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diff --git a/old/10036.txt b/old/10036.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fadfef --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10036.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2778 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello Vol. 2, No. 28, October 8, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello Vol. 2, No. 28, October 8, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10036] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO VOL. 2, NO. 28 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. 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BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | POMEROY'S DEMOCRAT | + | | + | Will each week contain Pomeroy's Saturday Night Chapters, | + | Pomeroy's Social Chat with Friends, Editorials on different | + | Topics, Terence McGrant Letters, a splendid Masonic | + | Department; in short, everything that helps to make a | + | first-class Family Newspaper, and the best advertising | + | medium in the United States. | + | | + | | + | Single Subscription, $2.50. | + | | + | For sale by News Dealers everywhere at Six Cents per copy. | + | | + | Office, 166 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + | C. P. SYKES, Publisher. | + | | + | M. M. POMEROY, Editor and Proprietor. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXI. + +BENTHAM TO THE RESCUE. + +European travellers in this country--especially if one economical +condition of their coming hither has not been the composition of works +of imagination on America, sufficiently contemptuous to pay all the +expenses of the trip--have, occasionally--and particularly if they have +been invited to write for New York magazines, take professorships in +native colleges, or lecture on the encouraging Continental progress of +scientific atheism before Boston audiences;--such travellers, we say, +convinced that they shall lose no money by it, but, on the contrary, +rather sanguine of making a little thereby in the long run, have +occasionally remarked, that, in the United States, women journeying +alone are treated with a chivalric courtesy and deference not so +habitually practiced in any other second-class new nation on the face of +the earth.[1] + +What, oh, what can be more true than this? A lady well stricken in +years, and of adequate protraction of nose and rectilinear undeviation +of figure, can travel alone from Maine to Florida with as perfect +immunity from offensive masculine intrusion as though she were guarded +by a regiment; while a somewhat younger girl, with curls and an innocent +look, can not appear unaccompanied by an escort in an American omnibus, +car, ferry-boat, or hotel, without appealing at once to the finest +fatherly feelings of every manly middle-aged observer whose wife is not +watching him, and exciting as general a desire to make her trip socially +delightful as though each gentlemanly eye seeking hers were indeed that +of a tender sire. + +Thus, although Miss POTTS'S lonely stay in her hotel had been so brief, +the mysterious American instinct of chivalry had discovered it very +early on the first morning after her arrival, and she arose from her +delicious sleep to find at least half a dozen written offers of +hospitality from generous strangers, sticking under her door. +Understanding that she was sojourning without natural protectors in a +strange city, the thoughtful writers, who appeared to be chiefly Western +men of implied immense fortunes, begged her (by the delicate name of +"Fair Unknown") to take comfort in the thought that they were stopping +at the same hotel and would protect her from all harm with their lives. +In proof of this unselfish disposition on their parts, several of them +were respectively ready to take her to a circus-matinee, or to drive in +Central Park, on that very day: and her prompt acceptance of these +signal evidences of a disinterested friendship for womanhood without a +natural protector could not be more simply indicated to those who now +freely offered such friendship, than by her dropping her fork _twice_ at +the public breakfast table, or sending the waiter back _three_ times +with the boiled eggs to have them cooked rightly. + +FLORA had completed her chemical toilet, put all the bottles, jars, and +small round boxes back into her satchel again, and sat down to a second +reading of these gratifying intimations that a prepossessing female +orphan is not necessarily without assiduous paternal guardianship at her +command wherever there are Western fathers, when Mr. DIBBLE appeared, as +he had promised, accompanied by Gospeler SIMPSON. + +"Miss CAROWTHERS was so excited by your sudden flight, Miss POTTS," said +the latter, "that she came at once to me and OLDY with your farewell +note, and would not stop saying 'Did you ever!' until, to restrain my +aggravated mother from fits, I promised to follow you to your guardian's +and ascertain what your good-bye note would have meant if it had +actually been punctuated." + +"Our reverend friend reached me about an hour ago," added Mr. DIBBLE, +"saying, that a farewell note without a comma, colon, semi-colon, or +period in it, and with every other word beginning with a capital, and +underscored, was calculated to drive friends to distraction. I took the +liberty of reminding him, my dear, that young girls from boarding-school +should hardly be expected to have advanced as far as English composition +in their French and musical studies; and I also related to him what you +had told me of Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +"And I don't know that, under the circumstances, you could do a better +thing than you have done," continued the Gospeler. "Mr. BUMSTEAD, +himself, explains your flight upon the supposition that you were +possibly engaged with myself, my mother, Mr. DIBBLE, and the PENDRAGONS, +in killing poor Mr. DROOD." + +"Oh, oughtn't he to be ashamed of himself, when he knows that I never +did kill any absurd creature!" cried the Flowerpot, in earnest +deprecation. "And just think of darling MAGNOLIA, too, with her poor, +ridiculous brother! You're a lawyer, Mr. DIBBLE and I should think you +could get them a _habeas corpus_, or a divorce, or some other perfectly +absurd thing about courts, that would make the judges tell the juries to +bring them in Not Guilty." + +Fixing upon the lovely young reasoner a look expressive of his +affectionate wonder at her inspired perception of legal possibilities, +the old lawyer said, that the first thing in order was a meeting between +herself and Miss PENDRAGON; which, as it could scarcely take place (all +things considered,) with propriety in the private room of that lady's +brother, nor without publicity in his own office, or in a hotel, he +hardly knew how to bring about. + +And here we have an example of that difference between novels and real +life which has been illustrated more than once before in this +conscientious American Adaptation of what all our profoundly critical +native journals pronounce the "most elaborately artistic work" of the +grandest of English novelists. In an equivalent situation of real life, +Mr. DIBBLE'S quandary would not have been easily relieved; but, by the +magic of artistic fiction, the particular kind of extemporized character +absolutely necessary to help him and the novel continuously along was at +that moment coming up the stairs of the hotel.[2] + +At the critical instant, a servant knocked, to say, that there was a +gentleman below, "with a face as long me arrum, sir, who axed me was +there a man here av the name av SIMPSON, Miss?" + +"It is JOHN--it is Mr. BUMSTEAD!" shrieked FLORA, hastening +involuntarily towards a mirror,--"and just see how my dress is +wrinkled!" + +"My name is BENTHAM--JEREMY BENTHAM," said a deep voice in the doorway; +and there entered a gloomy figure, with smoky, light hair, a curiously +long countenance, and black worsted gloves. "SIMPSON!--old +OCTAVIUS!--did you never, never see me before?" + +"If I am not greatly mistaken," returned the Gospeler, sternly. "I saw +you standing in the bar-room of the hotel, just now, as we came up." + +"Yes," sighed the stranger, "I was there--waiting for a Western +friend--when you passed in. And has sorrow, then, so changed me, that +you do not know me? Alas! alack! woe's me!" + +"BENTHAM, you say?" cried the Ritualistic clergyman, with a start, and +sudden change of countenance. "Surely you're not the rollicking +fellow-student who saved my life at Yale?" + +"I am! I am!" sobbed the other, smiting his bosom. "While studying +theology, you'd gone to sleep in bed reading the Decameron. I, in the +next room, suddenly smelt a smell of wood burning. Breaking into your +apartment, I saw your candle fallen upon your pillow and your head on +fire. Believing that, if neglected, the flames would spread to some +vital part, I seized a water-pitcher and dashed the contents upon you. +Up you instantly sprang, with a theological expression on your lips, and +engaged me in violent single combat. "Madman!" roared I, "is it thus you +treat one who has saved your life?" Falling upon the floor, with a black +eye, you at once consented to be reconciled; and, from that hour forth, +we were both members of the same secret society." + +Leaping forward, the Reverend OCTAVIUS wrung both the black worsted +gloves of Mr. BENTHAM, and introduced the latter to the old lawyer and +his ward. + +"He did indeed save all but my head from the conflagration, and +extinguished that, even, before it was much charred," cried the grateful +Ritualist, with marked emotion.--"But, JEREMY, why this aspect of +depression?" + +"OCTAVIUS, old friend," said BENTHAM, his hollow voice quivering, "let +no man boast himself upon the gaiety of his youth, and fondly +dream--poor self-deceiver!--that his maturity may be one of revelry. You +know what I once was. Now I am conducting a first-class American Comic +Paper." + +Commiseration, earnest and unaffected, appeared upon every countenance, +and Mr. DIBBLE was the first to break the ensuing deep silence. + +"If I am not mistaken, then," observed the good lawyer, quietly, "the +scene of your daily loss of spirits is in the same building with our +young friend, Mr. PENDRAGON, whom you may know." + +"I do know him, sir; and that his sister has lately come unto him. His +room, by means of outside shutters, was once a refuge to me from the +Man"--Here Mr. BENTHAM'S face flamed with inconceivable hatred--"who +came to tell me just how an American first-class Comic Paper _should_ be +conducted." + +"At what time does your rush of subscribers cease?" + +"As soon as I begin to charge anything for my paper." + +"And the newsmen, who take it by the week,--what is their usual time for +swarming in your office?" + +"On the day appointed for the return of unsold copies." + +"Then I _have_ an idea," said Mr. DIBBLE. "It appears to me, Mr. +BENTHAM, that your office, besides being so near Mr. PENDRAGON'S +quarters, furnishes all the conditions for a perfectly private +confidential interview between this young lady here, and her friend, +Miss PENDRAGON. Mr. SIMPSON, if you approve, be kind enough to acquaint +Mr. BENTHAM with Miss POTTS'S history, without mentioning names; and +explain to him, also, why the ladies' interview should take place in a +spot whither that singular young man, Mr. BUMSTEAD, would not be likely +to prowl, if in town, in his inspection of umbrellas." + +The Gospeler hurriedly related the material points of FLORA'S history to +his recovered friend, who moaned with all the more cheerful parts, and +seemed to think that the serious ones might be worked-up in comic +miss-spelling for his paper.--"For there is nothing more humorous in +human life," said he, gloomily, "than the defective orthography of a +fashionable young girl's education for the solemnity of matrimony." + +Finally, they all set off for the appointed place of retirement, upon +nearing which Mr. DIBBLE volunteered to remain outside as a guard +against any possible interruption. The Gospeler led the way up the dark +stairs of the building, when they had gained it; and the Flowerpot, +following, on JEREMY BENTHAM'S arm, could not help glancing shyly up +into the melancholy face of her escort, occasionally. "Do you _never_ +smile?" she could not help asking. + +"Yes," he said, mournfully, "sometimes: when I clean my teeth." + +No more was said; for they were entering the room of which the tone and +atmosphere were those of a receiving-vault. + + +[Footnote 1: Shades of QUINTILIAN and Dr. JOHNSON, what a +sentence!] + +[Footnote 2: Quite +independently of any specific design to that end by the Adapter, this +Adaptation, carefully following the original English narrative as it +does, can not avoid acting as a kind of practical--and, of course, +somewhat exaggerative--commentary upon what is strained, forced, or out +of the line of average probabilities, in the work Adapted.] + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +A CONFUSED STATE OF THINGS. + +The principal office of the Comic Paper was one of those amazingly +unsympathetic rooms in which the walls, windows and doors all have a +stiff, unsalient aspect of the most hard-finished indifference to every +emotion of humanity, and a perfectly rigid insensibility to the +pleasures or pains of the tenants within their impassive shelter. In the +whole configuration of the heartless, uncharacterized place there was +not one gracious inequality to lean against; not a ledge to rest elbow +upon; not a panel, not even a stove-pipe hole, to become dearly familiar +to the wistful eye; not so much as a genial crack in the plastering, or +a companionable rattle in a casement, or a little human obstinacy in a +door to base some kind of an acquaintance upon and make one less lonely. +Through the grim, untwinkling windows, gaping sullenly the wrong way +with iron shutters, came a discouraged light, strained through the +narrow intervals of the dusty roofs above, to discover a large +coffin-colored desk surmounted by ghastly busts of HERVEY, KEBLE and +BLAIR;[3] a smaller desk, over which hung a picture of the Tomb of +WASHINGTON, and at which sat a pallid assistant-editor in deep mourning, +opening the comic contributions received by last mail; a still smaller +desk, for the nominal writer of subscription-wrappers; files of the +_Evangelist_, _Observer_ and _Christian Union_ hanging along the wall; a +dead carpet of churchyard-green on the floor; and a print of Mr. PARKE +GODWIN just above the mantel of momumental marble. + + +Upon finding themselves in this temple of Momus, and observing that its +peculiar arrangement of sunshine made their complexions look as though +they had been dead a few days, Gospeler SIMPSON and the Flowerpot +involuntarily spoke in whispers behind their hands. + +"Does that room belong to your establishment, also, BENTHAM?" whispered +the Gospeler, pointing rather fearfully, as he spoke, towards a +side-door leading apparently into an adjoining' apartment. + +"Yes," was the low response. + +"Is there--is there anybody dead in there?" whispered Mr. SIMPSON, +tremulously. + +"No.--Not yet" + +"Then," whispered the Ritualistic clergyman, "you might step in there, +Miss POTTS, and have your interview with Miss PENDRAGON, whom Mr. +BENTHAM will, I am sure, cause to be summoned from up-stairs." + +The assistant-editor of the Comic Paper stealing softly from the office +to call the other young lady down, Mr. JEREMY BENTHAM made a sign that +FLORA should follow him to the supplementary room indicated; his +low-spirited manner being as though he had said: "If you wish to look at +the body, miss, I will now show you the way." + +Leaving the Gospeler lost in dark abstraction near the black mantel, the +Flowerpot allowed the sexton of the establishment to conduct her +funereally into the place assigned for her interview, and stopped aghast +before a huge black object standing therein. + +"What's this?" she gasped, almost hysterically. + +"Only a safe," said Mr. BENTHAM, with inexplicable bitterness of tone. +"Merely our fire-and-burglar-proof receptacle for the money constantly +pouring in from first-class American Comic journalism."--Here Mr. +BENTHAM slapped his forehead passionately, checked something like a sob +in his throat, and abruptly returned to the main office. + +Scarcely, however, had he closed the door of communication behind him, +when another door, opening from the hall, was noiselessly unlatched, and +MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON glided into the arms of her friend. + +"FLORA!" murmured the Southern girl, "I can scarcely credit my eyes! It +seems so long since we last met! You've been getting a new bonnet, I +see." + +"It's like an absurd dream!" responded the Flowerpot, wonderingly +caressing her. "I've thought of you and your poor, ridiculous brother +twenty times a day. How much you must have gone through here! Are they +wearing skirts full, or scant, this season?" + +"About medium, dear. But how do you happen to be here, in Mr. BENTHAM'S +office?" + +In answer to this question, FLORA related all that bad happened at +Bumsteadville and since her flight from thence; concluding by warning +MAGNOLIA, that her possession of a black alpaca waist, slightly worn, +had subjected her to the ominous suspicion of the Ritualistic organist. + +"I scorn and defy the suspicions of that enemy of the persecuted South, +and high-handed wooer of exclusively Northern women!" exclaimed Miss +PENDRAGON, vehemently. "Is this Mr. BENTHAM married?" + +"I suppose not." + +"Is he visiting any one?" + +"I shouldn't think so, dear." + +"Then," added MAGNOLIA, thoughtfully, "if dear Mr. DIBBLE approves, he +might be a friend to MONTGOMERY and myself; and, by being so near us, +protect us both from Mr. BUMSTEAD. Just think, dear FLORA, what heaps of +sorrow I should endure, if that base man's suspicion about my alpaca +waist should be only a pretence, to frighten me into ultimately +receiving his addresses." + +"I don't think there's any danger, love," said Miss POTTS, rather +sharply. + +"Why, FLORA precious?" + +"Oh, because he's so absurdly fastidious, you know, about regularity of +features in women." + +"More than he is about brains, I should think, dear, from what you tell +me of his making love to you." + +Here both young ladies trembled very much, and said they never, never +would have believed it of each other; and were only reconciled when +FLORA sobbed that she was a poor unmarried orphan, and Miss PENDRAGON +moaned piteously that an unwedded Southern girl without money had better +go away somewhere in the desert, with her crushed brother, and die at +once for their down-trodden section. Then, indeed, they embraced +tearfully; and, in proof of the perfect restoration of their devoted +friendship, agreed never to marry if they could avoid it, and told each +other the prices of all their best clothes. + +"You _won't_ tell your brother that I've been here?" said the +Flowerpot. "I'm so absurdly afraid that he can't help blaming me for +causing some of his trouble." + +"Can't I tell him, even if it would serve to amuse him in his +desolation?" asked the sister, persuasively. "I want to see him smile +again, just as he does some days when a hand-organ-man's monkey climbs +up to our windows from the street." + +"Well, you _may_ tell him, then, you absurd thing!" returned FLORA, +blushing; and, with another embrace, they parted, and the deeply +momentous interview was over. + +(_To be Continued._) + + +[Footnote 3: Author of "The Grave."] + + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ROMANCE AND REALITY. + +IN THE LIBRARY. + +_Jones, (reading.)_ "THE GLASS OF FASHION AND THE MOULD OF FORM, THE +OBSERVED OF ALL OBSERVERS." + +_Jenkins, (with enthusiasm.)_ "PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF MY WIFE!" + + +IN THE GARDEN. + +THIS IS MRS. JENKINS, IN HER MORNING TOILETTE.] + + * * * * * + +OFFICE SEEKING.[4] + +BY ICHABOD BOGGS, + +THE NEW AMERICAN POET. + +PREFATORY NOTE.--The reader is requested to judge the following +production mildly, as it is the first effort of a youthful genius (16 +years old in looks and feeling, 42 by the family bible and census.) The +author has felt that America should have a new kind of verse of its own, +and he thinks he here offers one which has never been used by any other +mortal poet. It is called the duodekameter. Perhaps it may be proper to +add that the following is _poetry_. + +I. + + You see everybody in our town was running around, getting fat jobs + and positions, and picking up a million dollars or so, + So I felt it incumbent on me + To shake myself up, and see if there wasn't a good butter firkin, well + filled, loafing around idle, in which could conveniently locate my + centre of gravity, and so I said to myself, I'll go + To Washington and see, + Says ICHABOD BOGGS, says I. + +II. + + Now, don't you see, you might just as well ask for a big position at + first, and then take what you can get, + At least that has been my rule so far, + For, as I says to myself, if you can only get a very high position, with + a sort of nabob's salary, and lots of perquisites running in + annually, you needn't do anything, you bet, + But puff at your cigar, + Says ICHABOD BOGGS, says I. + +III. + + So I put on my best clothes, and a sort of a big blue necktie, + and shortly thereafter showed myself to Mr. GRANT, + And said that there had been quite enough + Of this giving away big offices to people who hadn't big reputations, + and that he had other fish to fry, and that, as he wouldn't give the + Custom House to my son, I'd take it myself, and then I stopped, + and he looked, "I shan't," + But all he said was--puff, + Says General GRANT, says he. + +IV. + + Then all the smoke got in my nose, and I sneezed and snorted a bit, + and then I just simply remarked and said + That he needn't go and get into a huff, + And if he didn't like to give me that office, couldn't he make me + Minister to England, as I was a big feeder, or if that didn't suit, + why, if he'd do it, I wouldn't object to being Minister to Cuba, + when the Cubans had been all killed, and were thoroughly dead? + But all be said was--puff, + Says General GRANT, says he. + +V. + + Well, then I got kind of discouraged, but I thought that I'd better try + again, and not get up so far, + But ask for what he'd give beyond doubt, + So I asked for a position as night watchman at the Navy Yard, and + thought I'd get it, and he'd answer my request, for I'd noticed that + his Havana was gradually growing smaller, and he did answer me, + just as he'd thrown away the end of his cigar, + He simply said, "Get out!" + Says General GRANT, says he. + +VI. + + So I got out, as fast as a pair of legs, with a number twelve boot + kicking at the place where they're joined, would permit, + And wandered off, just about as far + As I conveniently could, and then I sat down on a milestone and raised + my voice to Heaven, and cried aloud, that, weather permitting, + General GRANT should never, _never_, NEVER, go back to the White + House, not if I could help it, + To puff on his cigar, + Said ICHABOD BOGGS, said I. + +[Footnote 4: We hope none of our readers will labor under the impression +that we look upon the above effusion as a poetical one, but, in this day +of many isms, it may happen that the above style may become prevalent, +and we think it our duty to present everything that is new. EDS.] + + * * * * * + +2.02 TO HARNESS. + +Mr. Punchinello on the Turf. + +History relates that the era of Horse-racing commenced about the year +680 B. C., but it was some time after that when Mr. PUNCHINELLO made his +_debut_ as a candidate for the honors of the turf. To put the matter +more concisely, it is just six days since he drove his horse "Creeping +Peter" on the track at Monmouth Park, Long Branch. The only object which +Mr. P. had in view, when he purchased his celebrated trotter and put him +into training, was the improvement of the breed of American horses. +While our BONNERS, VANDERBILTS and GRANTS are devoting all their +surplus time and means to this great end, Mr. P., in placing the name of +his yellow horse in the hands of the poolseller, would scorn to have a +less noble aim. + +But this great object need not interfere with others of less importance, +and therefore Mr. P. will not deny that, after having exhibited to his +friends and the sporting fraternity in general, his little investment in +fancy horseflesh, he made up a very satisfactory betting-book. + +Now Mr. P. believed,--and events proved him to be correct,--that when +his friends and the sporting fraternity saw his horse, they would bet +heavily against him. Mr. P., however, in all the pride of amateur +ownership, bet quite as heavily _upon_ his noble steed. His friends and +the above-mentioned fraternity chuckled and winked behind his back, but +although Mr. P. heard them chuckle and knew that they were winking, his +belief in his final success never wavered. Any ordinary observer might +be expected to remark that Creeping Peter was not entirely without +blemish. Besides being spavined and having three of his hoofs injured by +sand-crack, he had poll-evil, fistulas, malanders, ring-bone, capped +hock, curb, splint, and several other maladies which made him a very +suitable horse for the general public to bet against. + +But Mr. P.'s courage never quailed! + +When he made his appearance on the track (for he drove his horse +himself) he was the object of general attention. The following view +(from a photograph by ROCKWOOD) gives an excellent idea of the horse and +driver. + +[Illustration] + +Nearly everybody on the ground advised Mr. P. to leave his cloth in the +stable, for it would certainly interfere with the speed of his horse and +probably get wrapped up in the wheels and cause an accident. But Mr. P. +would listen to nothing of the sort. He told everybody that he wasn't +going to catch cold in his knees, even if he lost the race, and that he +was perfectly willing to run the risk of accidents. + +For the benefit of his readers, however, Mr. P. will lift up this +heavily shotted lap-cloth and show what was under it. + +[Illustration] + +Here is arranged a steam-engine, which drives the wheels of the vehicle, +and which will of course propel the whole turnout, horse and all, at a +great rate of speed. + +It will now be easily perceived why Mr. P. persisted in keeping his +lap-cloth over his knees. + +The entries were as follows: + + ROBERT BONNER'S b. h. Dexter. + DEREN O. SUE'S b. m. Lady Thorn. + PUNCHINELLO'S y. h. Creeping Peter. + +When the word was given, the horses all got off well and Dexter +immediately took the lead,--buzzing through the air like a +humming-top,--followed closely by Lady Thorn, her nose just lapping his +off jaw. For the first few seconds Mr. P. fell behind, owing to his +fires not yet being properly under way, but the water soon bubbled +merrily in his boiler, and his wheels began to revolve with great +rapidity. And now he sped merrily. Never did the war trumpet inspire the +fiery charger, or hounds and horn excite the mettled hunter, as the +steam-engine in his rear woke all the energies of Creeping Peter. + +Swift as revolving pin-wheels or rapid peg-top, those spavins, those +ring-bones, those bulbous hocks, those sand-cracked hoofs and those +rattling ribs went whistling o'er the track. Mid the shouts and yells of +the excited multitude he passed Lady Thorn, overtook Dexter and shot +ahead of him! But he cannot stand that tremendous pace, and down goes +Creeping Peter on his knees. Every man who had bet against him set up a +howl of rapture, but Mr. P. never relaxed a muscle, and on went Creeping +Peter, just as fast as ever, his horny bones dashing away the sand and +gravel like spray from the cut-water of a scudding yacht, and, amid the +wildest clamor, he shot past the judges' stand on his nose and one leg, +making his mile in two minutes and two seconds! + +[Illustration] + +It is needless to dwell upon the results of this race. + +Mr. P. now owes no man anything, nor is he even indebted to his noble +steed. Behold his testimony to the merits of that valuable animal! + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +Something Original In Suicide. + +An item in an evening paper states that "a man near Syracuse recently +cut his throat with a scythe." + +Well, certainly this was a new Mowed of doing the business, although, as +it was the first instance of the kind on record, it cannot properly be +said that the business was done _a la mowed_. + + * * * * * + +Jocular and Ocular. + +Can the public be properly said to have looked forward to SEEBACH? + + * * * * * + +ANNA DICKINSON. + +One bright October morning in the year 1828, a lone lorn woman by the +name of GUMMIDGE might have been seen standing at the corner of a +wheat-field where two cross-roads met and embraced. She was weeping +violently. Ever and anon she would raise her head and gaze mysteriously +in the direction of a cloud of dust which moved slowly over the hill +toward the town. Her name was FATIMA. FATIMA GUMMIDGE. "Sister ANNIE," +she cried, "what do you see?" But sister ANNIE was far away. She was not +there. She was attending an agricultural fair in the beautiful young +state of Kansas. + +Thus gracefully do we introduce our heroine upon the scene. The reader +will be able to judge, from this, whether we are familiar with the +literature of our day, or not. He will be able to form a complimentary +opinion of our culture. He will perceive that we are acquainted with the +writings of Messrs. JAMES, and DICKENS, and BLUEBEARD. There is nothing +like impressing your reader with an adequate sense of your ability for +laborious research, when you are doing biography for a high-toned +journal. + +At what period in her career our illustrious victim applied to the +Legislature to change her name from GUMMIDGE to DICKINSON, we are unable +to discover. There is no record of the event in the musty tomes we have +waded through at the Astor Library in search of reliable data. One thing +must be apparent, even to the most violently prejudiced and brutish +bigot--namely, that Miss DICKINSON no longer confesses to the name of +GUMMIDGE. However disrespectful this may be to the memory of Mrs. +GUMMIDGE'S father--but on reflection is it not possible that Mrs. +GUMMIDGE'S maiden name was DICKINSON? There may be something in this. +Let us see. Mrs. GUMMIDGE was born of the brain of Mr. C. DICKENS. Mr. +DICKENS may be said to be the father of the whole GUMMIDGE family. This, +of course, includes GUMMIDGE _pere_. GUMMIDGE _pere_ was therefore +DICKENS' son. Hence the name of DICKENSON. Very good, so far. Now-- + +But it is unnecessary to press the argument. If the prejudiced bigot is +not yet convinced, nothing would convince him short of a horse-whipping. + +The poet, when he wrote "Thou wilt come no more, gentle ANNIE," was +clearly laboring under a mistake. If he had written "Thou wilt be sure +to come again next season, gentle ANNIE," he would have hit it. Lecture +committees know this. Miss DICKINSON earns her living by lecturing. +Occasionally she takes a turn at scrubbing pavements, or going to hear +WENDELL PHILLIPS on "The Lost Arts," or other violent exertion, but her +best hold is lecturing. She has followed the business ever since she was +a girl, and twenty-four (24) years of steady application have made her +no longer a Timid Young Thing. She is not afraid of audiences any more. + +It is a favorite recreation of the moral boot-blacks and pious newsboys +of New York to gather in the evening on the steps of Mr. FROTHINGHAM'S +church, and scare each other with thrilling stories of the gentle +ANNIE'S fierce exploits and deeds of daring. Among the best +authenticated of these (stripped of the ornate figures of speech with +which the pious newsboys are wont to embellish the simple facts) are the +following: + +1. In the memorable canvass of 1848, Miss DICKINSON stumped the mining +districts of Pennsylvania for FRED DOUGLASS, and was shot at by the +infuriated miners forty-two times, the bullets whistling through her +back hair to that extent that her chignon looked like a section of +suction-hose when the campaign was over. + +2. Near the close of the rebellion, Miss DICKINSON wrote to JEFF DAVIS +that she was going to raise a regiment and go for him. Peace followed +promptly. + +3. In the year 1867 she published a book. + +4. In the year 1868 she went to California overland, by railroad, alone. + +5. In the year 1869 she attended a lecture by OLIVE LOGAN, and further +showed her fearless nature by embracing Miss LOGAN tempestuously, and +offering to marry her. + +6. At various times during her career she has received and successfully +done battle with 14,624 proposals of marriage, 14,600 of which were made +to her _in the city of Chicago!!!_ + +These evidences of her courage are sufficient to show what she is equal +to, under any emergency. We are now waiting to hear of a seventh act of +bravery on her part which will distance all the above; when she shall +have announced that she is prepared to lecture on "CHARLES DICKENS" she +will have given the last convincing proof that she is equal to +_anything_ terrible. + +(Should Mr. PUNCHINELLO object that this biographical sketch is +desultory and "wandering," let him try, himself, to write the biography +of a lady who is incessantly and frantically roaming from one end of the +country to the other, and if he don't wander it will be a wonder.) + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!--HEIRS WANTED! + +NEW YORK, Oct. 1, 1870. + +We, the undersigned, as representatives of the family of the decedent, +hereby call upon all heirs of the late RICHARD COEUR DE LION, who may be +residing in or near this locality, to meet at the Astor House, in New +York, on the fifteenth of this present month of October, to take +measures for the recovery of such portion of the estate of said LION as +is known to have legally descended to his heirs in this country. This +property, to which it will be easy to prove that we, the undersigned, +together with the other members of our family, are the lineal heirs, is +believed to consist mainly of the two hundred thousand byzants assured +to the said LION by SALADIN after the capitulation of Acre. This sum, +which we have reason to believe was duly paid by said SALADIN at the +time appointed, when reduced from golden byzants into greenbacks, and +compound-interest at seven _per centum_ for the term of six hundred and +seventy-nine years calculated thereupon, will be found to amount to +upwards of one hundred and seventy thousand million dollars. When the +ransom money of twenty-five hundred Saracens, slain by said LION to +enforce the speedy payment of the principal of this sum by the said +SALADIN, shall have been deducted and paid to such heirs and survivors +of said Saracens as may immediately present their claims, the remainder +will be divided, (as soon as the necessary legal measures shall be +taken,) among the heirs and descendants of said LION in this country. + +The immediate object of the meeting, which is now called by the +undersigned, is the collection of sufficient funds from said heirs and +descendants to defray the expenses of a committee (composed of the +undersigned) who shall be charged with the duty of visiting England, +Normandy and Palestine, and obtaining such evidence and such copies of +record in relation to this portion of the estate of the said LION, as +shall make necessary a speedy and equitable division of paid property +among the members of the family in this country. + +Lineal heirs who may not be able to attend this meeting in person will +have their interests taken in charge by the undersigned, on the receipt +of twenty-five dollars, which will be due from each heir as the primary +instalment on account of necessary expenses. + +Punctual attention to this notice is requested. + +(Signed) + + JACOB RICHARDS, + PETER MCCURDY, + EBENEZER LYONS. + JAMES MCLEON, + L. J. O'LYNN, + HENRY RICHARDSON, + Rev. THOS. DICK, + DICK E. DICKQUE DOUT. + + + * * * * * + +RECOGNITION OF NILSSON. + + Not that we mean to "patronize," fair Swede; + No, no, indeed! + 'Tis homage, honest homage that we bring; + For you can sing! + + Pray, do not think we build you any throne + On _skill_ alone; + There's nothing regal in a music box-- + In simple _vox_! + + But when an ardent spirit warms the strain-- + When it is plain + The artist feels the passion of the scene-- + She's then our Queen! + + But, dear CHRISTINA! we should still declare + The Fates unfair, + Unless she lived as chastely as the rose; + As NILSSON does! + + Still, still we hesitate!--We will confess, + (For _you'd_ not guess!) + We'd have her--that the likeness be complete-- + Young, fair, and sweet! + + In fine, (and now we'll tell you everything,) + If she can sing, + And act, and feel, and look, and _be_ like you, + Why, that will do! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG DEMOC-RATS, ENCOURAGED BY THE OLD RAT DANA, +COME TO GRIEF IN TRYING TO PUT OUT THE HOFFMAN LIGHT.] + + * * * * * + +A New Pierian Spring. + +The Principal of the "Student's Home," at V------, N.Y., advertising +the advantages of his school, makes the following telling appeal, which +we should think would be hard to resist by such as find study interfere +with digestion. + +"COME TO V------. Its Mineral Water strengthens the body, and its +Seminary the mind." + +The hope of eventually leaving those classic shades in such a state of +two-fold invigoration, should prove inspiring to the dyspeptic and +studious. + +Whether this constant cramming of the mind and purging of the body be +the true secret of longevity as well as of scholarship, we know not; we +should judge, however, from the appearance and conversation of students +in general, that a system directly the reverse of the above mentioned +process would be more certain of turning out the real article. + + * * * * * + + +Spare Us! + +Nor only is everybody's attention directed towards Paris, but the +English Sparrows appear to be gradually Worming themselves into public +estimation. They have been picking away so vigorously, since they were +brought over here, that some of them are now able to pick their way +across Broadway, in the muddiest weather. In course of time, we suppose +the worms will disappear, and then, when these poor birds have nothing +else to pick, they will go out to pic-nics. Come, arouse then, friends +of the sparrow! Fetch out your bread and your grain, and fear not that +these little twitterers will ever over-burden the city. + + * * * * * + +A Gourd of Honor(!) + +The latest, and most important news from Spain is that SICKLES has been +furnished with a guard by the government. + +Some things are managed better in Spain than in this country. SICKLES +should have been placed under guard, here, many a year ago, to keep him +out of mischief. + + * * * * * + +"Carpe Diem." + +The following telegraphic item is a remarkable instance of the exactness +with which news can be transmitted by the submarine cable: + +"LONDON, September 16. Mr. CHARLES REED, member of Parliament for +Hackney, to-day unveiled the monument to ALEXANDER DEFOE, at Bunhill +Fields. The monument in practically one to ROBINSON CRUSOE." + +With the triffing exception of calling ROBINSON DEFOE ALEXANDER DEFOE, +(and that is a pardonable error, considering that ALEXANDER SELKIRK was +the prototype of DANIEL CRUSOE,) the above item is perfectly +satisfactory. All the more so, if one pays attention to the date, and +remembers that September 16 fell upon a FRIDAY. + + * * * * * + +BY TELEGRAPH FROM VARIOUS PARTS OF THE WORLD. + +[Special Correspondence of Punchinello.] + +BERLIN, October 15.--In a conversation with King WILLIAM, yesterday, he +said that he relied upon the growing taste in Hoboken for Bavarian beer +to destroy the sympathy of the United States with the French Republic. + +METZ, October 12.--While examining the fortifications to-day with +BISMARCK, I lent him my cigar-holder, and he told me that Prussia would +refuse to entertain any propositions tending to peace until the +Schleswig-Holstein question was definitely settled. + +STRASBOURG, October 14--Among the priceless volumes destroyed in the +library here, was a full set of ABBOTT'S NAPOLEON histories. They were +all presentation copies from the author, with autograph inscriptions. +The regret expressed at their destruction is deep-felt and universal. + +WINDSOR, Oct. 16th.--I came up to-day with VICTORIA from Balmoral. She +was engaged during most of the trip in reading HORACE GREELEY'S "What I +Know About Farming," with which she is much delighted. She said she +thought the satire was finer than SWIFT'S, and wondered the people did +not insist upon GREELEY'S being Governor. + +ROME, Oct. 15.--Talking this morning with the Pope, who took breakfast +with me, His Holiness said he had accepted JAMES GORDON BENNETT'S +invitation to come to Washington Heights on a visit, and wanted to know +whether I thought he would be expected to wear his tiara during meals. I +told him that I thought it would not be obligatory. + +DUBLIN, Oct. 16.--The Irish Republic was to-day proclaimed at Cork, with +GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN as Emperor. The Fenians say they would prefer a +constitutional monarchy. + +PARIS, Oct. 15.--General CLUSERET assured me to-day that though Minister +WASHBURNE speaks French better than a native, yet he has not entirely +forgotten what little English he used to know, and further, that he is +confident it is not that gentleman's intention to make himself Dictator +of France by a _coup d' etat_. + +LONG BRANCH, Oct. 22--While smoking to-day with GRANT, I asked him what +he thought of the European complication, and he answered with a most +expressive silence. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STAYING THE MARCH. + +_Liberty._ "HALT!" ] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM. + +The venerable "Lait Gustise" sees the Sights, under Perplexing +Difficulties. + +The native borned Gothamite mite have notissed, a short time since, a +venerable lookin' ex-Statesman, dressed in a becomin' soot of clothes +and a slick lookin' white hat. + +The a-four-said honest old man carried a bloo cotton umbreller in one +hand, and an acksminister carpet bag in t'other. He had jest arroven to +the meetropolis on a North River steambote. The reader has probly gessed +by this time, that the man in question was the subscriber. + +If he hasen't so surmised, I would inform him that it was. Jess so. +Arrivin' at a well-known tavern, where hash is provided for man and +beast, I handed my carpet bag over the counter. + +The clerk at the offis put on rather more airs than a Revenoo offiser. +In fact, he was so full of airs I got a vilent cold standin' in his +pressence. + +"Shan't I take that anshient circus tent?" said he, pintin' to my +umbreller, "and lock it up in the safe?" + +I made no reply to this onmanerly interogetory, but strikin' an attitude +of pain, give him one of those gazes which BEN BUTLER allers makes tell, +in tryin' criminal cases. + +I looked at that clerk cross-eyed, and it made him squirm. + +I wasen't blind--not much. + +That clerk wanted to steel _that_ umbreller, to send to HORRIS GREELEY, +so the Filosifer could keep the reign storms of Tammany from spatterin' +his white cote. + +I understood his little dodge and nipped it. + +"Snowball," said I, addressin' a dark skinned individual with a white +apern, while I was seated at the dinner table, "what in the deuce makes +all your dishes so small?" + +"Dem is for one pusson, sah," said he. "Dat is an indiwidual butter +dish, sah. Dem is indiwidual vegetable dishes--and dat's an indiwidual +salt-cellar, sah," said he, pintin' to each piece of crockery. + +I was hungry, and the crockery was soon empty. + +Seein' a platter of ice cream down the table aways, I got up onto my +feet, and havin' a good long arm, reached for it. + +It was awful cold, and sot my stumps to achin'. + +I got one holler tooth full of the stuff. + +"Snowball," said I, "look here." + +"Well, sah?" he replied. + +"I've got my tooth full of that cold puddin'," said I, pintin' to the +dish; "please bring me an individual toothpick, so I can dig it out." +He vanished. I coulden't wait, so I undertook to dig it out with my +fork. + +A man opposite me, who thot heed play smart, sent word to the +tavern-keeper that I was swollerin' his forks. + +Up comes the tavern-keeper, and ketchin' holt of my cote coller, shaked +me out in the middle of the dinin'-room floor. + +"What in thunder are you about?" says I. + +"Old man," says he, "them forks cost $9.00 a dozen. How many have you +swallered?" + +"Not a gol darned fork," hollered I as loud as I could screem. Gittin' +onto my feet, I pulled off my cote and vest, and if I didn't make the +fur fly, and give that 'ere tavern-keeper the nisest little polishin' +off mortal man ever become acquainted with, then I don't understand the +roodiments of the English prize ring. + +At Central Park, that hily cultivated forrest, the sharpers tried to +chissel me. + +Just as I approched the gate which leads into the Park, a fansy lookin' +feller with short hair and plad briches stopt me and says: "Unkle, you'r +fair." + +"You're a man of excellent judgment," I replide; "I think I am pooty +good lookin' for a man of my years." + +"You don't undertand me, sir," he agin said. "Come down with your +stamps." + +"My which?" said I, turnin' a little red in the face. + +"Your gate money," he replied, tryin' to shove me back. "We charge $1.00 +for goin' in here." + +"You do, do you?" said I, wavin' my umbreller over his head +threatenin' manner. "When our goverment resooms speshie payment agin +maybe I'le send you a silver dollar with a hole into it, and maybe I +won't; it will depend a good deal on the pertater crop." + +I was very much agitated. Pullin' out my silver watch I says: "My sweet +sented Plumbob, if you don't histe your butes away from that gate in 2 +seconds I'le bust your biler with this 'ere bunch of bones," and I +tickled the end of his probocis with my fist, as I gently rubbed it +under his smeller. + +He saw heed caught a Tarter, in fact, a regular Tarter emetic, and he +slunk away rather sudden. + +I had sent too many of such skinamelinks to the clay banks when I was +Gustice of the Peece to allow 'em to fool me much. + +I visited WOOD'S Museum to see the wacks figgers and things. + +The statutes of the 12 Apostles attracted my attention. + +"And this," said a ministerial long-faced lookin' man, with a white +choker, "is the last supper.--What a sagacious eye has PETER got--How +doubtful THOMAS looks--MATTHEW is in deep thought, probly thinkin' of +the times he was a fisherman. What a _longin'_ look in that astoot +eye," said he, nudgin' me with his gold-headed cane. + +"Yes," said I, "he is probly _longin'_ for that 'ere dish of ham and +eggs, in the middle of the table." + +"Look at SIMON," he continered. "See! his eye rests upon his rite hand, +which is closed beside him on the table. His lips are parted as if he +was going to say-- + +"SIMON says thumbs up," I quickly replide, interruptin' him. I diden't +mean anything disrespectful to nobody, but that 'ere man flew into a +vilent rage. + +"Can it be, that a soul so devoid of poetry lives in this age?" said he. +"My venerable friend, I blush for you--yes, I blush for you, you are +devoid of sentiment." + +"Look here, Captin," said I, "you may be a good preacher and all that +sort of thing. Excuse me for sayin' it, you hain't a BEECHER--Skarcely. +H. WARD soots me--He is chock full of sentiment--at the same time he can +relish a joak ekal to the best of us. Mix a little sunshine with that +gloomy lookin' countenance of yours. Don't let people of the world think +they must draw down their faces and colaps, because a man joaks about a +lot of wacks figgers dressed up in 6 penny caliker. Them's the kind of +sentiment which ales me every time." Sayin' which I storked +contemptously out of the wacks figger department. + +I shall remain a few days in the big city, friend PUNCHINELLO, and if +the citizens of New York insist on givin' me a reception at the City +Hall, I will submit to the sacrifice, especially if the vitels are well +cookt. Ewers on a scare up, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustice of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +THE CENSUS ENUMERATOR'S PLAINT. + + The names that these newspapers call us + Are hardest of all to surmount, + They say Mayor HALL may o'erhaul us; + He claims that our count is no 'count. + + I never had any such trouble + In registering voters down South, + I set every nigger down double + And put the whites down in the mouth. + + But here they're so very exacting + They kick up a row, don't you know? + Though under instructions we're acting + In playing our figures "for low." + + I try to play Sharpe in these matters, + I dodge all the bricks and spittoons-- + (Curse that bull-dog! he's torn to tatters + The seat of my best pantaloons!) + + A tailor refused me admission, + And said he "vould shoot mit his gun," + So I, out of Shear opposition, + Counted him and eight others for one. + + While not in the habit of swearing, + I can't but be slightly profane + To hear these New Yorkers declaring + Their names have been taken in vain. + + * * * * * + +The most appropriate kind of dish on which to serve up Horseflesh + +A Charger. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SEVERE ON BYRON BUBBS. + +_Bubbs_. "DOES YOUR SISTER NETTIE EVER TALK ABOUT ME?" + +_Little Rose_. "OH, YES! I HEARD HER TELL MA, YESTERDAY, YOU HAD SUCH A +BEAUTIFUL NECK, SO LONG THAT IT WOULD DO TO TIE IN A DOUBLE BOW-KNOT!"] + + * * * * * + +BY GEORGE! + +(_Concluded_.) + +LAKE GEORGE, N. Y., Sept. 12. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: "SLUKER," continued the long-haired man in an +absent-minded manner, "was a _corker_! there is no mistake about that. + +Like the Ghost at BOOTH'S, he was a terror to the peaceful Hamlet. He +was always getting up shindys without the slightest provocation, and was +evidently possessed of the unpleasant ambition, as well as ability, to +whale the entire township in detachments of one. + +Things got to be so bad after a while that the bark was rubbed off every +tree in town on account of the people incontinently shinning up them +whenever SLUKER came in sight. + +It was no unusual thing to see business entirely suspended for hours, +while SLUKER marched up and down the main street, whistling, with his +hands in his pockets, and every soul in the place, from the minister +down, roosting as high as they could get, six on a branch, sometimes. + +Matters went on in this way until one day a little incident occurred +that somewhat discouraged this gentle youth. He had just returned from a +discussion with a butcher, (from the effects of which the latter now +sleeps in the valley,) when a party of his fellow-townsmen entered the +store in which he was loafing, and ordered a coil of half-inch rope from +New York by the morning's train. + +It was the Overland route that SLUKER took for California, and when his +aged mother heard that three eyes had been gouged out in one day in the +Golden City, she wept tears of joy. Her fond heart told her that the +perilous journey was over, and her darling boy was safe. + +After ten years of a brilliant career he bethought him again of the +place of his birth. His heart yearned for the gentle delights,--the +heavy laden trees--of his boyhood's home. He said he must go. + +His friends said he must go, too. In fact they had already appointed a +select and vigilant Committee to see him safely on his way. + +In some respects SLUKER came back an altered man. The stamp of change +was on his noble face, indeed it had been stamped on itself, until it +looked like a wax doll under a hot stove. But he still retained his +warlike spirit. + +There was not so much chance of indulging it now, however. The Fire +Company had disbanded, and nearly every one had grown rich enough to own +a shot-gun. There was only one chance left. + +He joined the Presbyterian Choir. + +Not that he had much of a voice, though he used to play 'Comin' thro' +the Rye' oh the fiddle sometimes, until he got it going _through him_ so +much he couldn't draw a note. + +Nobody would have taken them if he had. + +Well, SLUKER had a pretty warm time of it in the Choir, and enjoyed +himself very much, until they got a new Organist who pitched every thing +in 'high C,' which was this young man's strong lead. + +As the Choir always sang in G, of coarse, there was a row the first +Sunday, and it was generally understood that SLUKER was going to fix +MIDDLERIB that night. + +When the evening service commenced, and the Choir was about to begin, +the congregation were startled by an ominous click in the gallery, and +looking up, they beheld SLUKER covering the Organist's second shirt-stud +with his revolver. + +"Give us G, Mr. MIDDLERIB, if you please!" he said blandly. + +But the pirate on the high C's refused to Gee, and Whoa was the natural +result. + +The confusion that followed was terrible: SLUKER fired at everybody. +MIDDLERIB hit him with the music stool. The soprano was thrown over the +railing, and somebody turned off the gas. + +In the ensuing darkness every one skirmished for themselves. SLUKER took +off his boots and hunted for MIDDLERIB in his stocking feet. + +Suddenly he heard a single note on the 'high C.' He groped his way to +the keyboard, but there was no one there. + +The solution rushed upon him,--MIDDLERIB must be _in_ the organ. + +He crept round to the handle and bore his weight on it. + +It was too true; the unhappy wretch had cut a hole in the bellows and +crawled in. But for his ruling passion he would have escaped. + +There were a few muffled groans as the handle slowly descended upon the +doomed man, and as the breath rushed out of his body into his favorite +pipe, the wild 'high C of agony that ran through the sacred edifice +told them that all was over. + +Let us draw a vail over the horrid picture." + + * * * + +I was very much interested in this story, very much indeed, and so I +jostled the long-haired man--who was about falling asleep--and asked him +if anything was done to this wicked SLUKER. + +He looked at me reproachfully. "What's the matter with you, my friend?" +he said, in the same melancholy voice. "Don't you know who I am? I write +for the _Ledger_, and whenever 'I draw a vail, etc.,' that ends it, that +does!" + +As we stepped from the steamer to the landing, I observed a youth of +about six summers dressed in the most elaborately agonizing manner. He +had two Schutzenfest targets in his cuffs; in one hand he held an +enormous cane, in the other a cigar, and through an eyeglass he gazed at +the ankles on the gang-plank with an air of patient weariness with this +slow old world that was very touching. + +"Where," I exclaimed as I surveyed this show-card of a fast generation, +"O! where have our _children_ vanished? Take from childhood the +sparkling water of its purity--the sugar of its innocent affections--its +ardent but refreshing spirits--and what, ah! what have we left?" + +"Nothing," said the melancholy voice at my elbow. "Absolutely nothing +save the mint and the straw!" + +And he was right, my dear PUNCHINELLO, he was right. + +SAGINAW DODD. + + * * * * * + +"SOLEMN SILENCE." + +Perhaps very few persons--and especially very few members of the +Republican party--are aware that a monument to ABRAHAM LINCOLN has at +last been completed, and that it has been placed on the site allotted +for it in Union Square. It is very creditable to the Republican Party +that they exercised such control over their feelings when the day for +unveiling the LINCOLN Monument arrived. Some parties might have made a +demonstration on the occasion of post-mortuary honors being accorded to +a leader whom they professed to worship while he lived, and whom they +demi-deified after his death. No such extravagant folly can be laid at +the door of the Republican Party. "Let bygones be bygones" is their +motto. They allowed their "sham ABRAHAM," in heroic bronze, to be +hoisted on to his pedestal in Union Square in solitude and silence. That +was commendable. A live ass is better than a dead lion; and so the +Republican Party, who consider themselves very much alive, went to look +after their daily thistles and left their dead lion in charge of a +policeman. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +LOTTA is lithe; (which is alliterative,) pretty, piquant, and addicted +to the banjo. The latter characteristic is inseparable from her. In +whatever situation the dramatist may place her, whether in a London +drawing-room or a Cockney kitchen, whether on an Algerian battle-field +or in a California mining-camp, she is certain to produce the inevitable +banjo, and to sing the irrepressible comic song. In fact, her plays are +written not for LOTTA, but for LOTTA'S banjo. The dramatist takes the +presence of the banjo as the central fact of his drama, and weaves his +plot around it. His play is made on the model of that celebrated drama +written to introduce Mr. CRUMMLES'S pump and tubs. Thus does he preserve +the sacred unity of LOTTA and the banjo. + +_Heart's Ease_--in which she is now playing at NIBLO'S Garden, is +plainly born of the banjo, and lives for that melodious instrument +alone. The author said to himself, "A California mining-camp would be a +nice place for a banjo solo." Wherefore he conceived the camp, with a +chorus of red-shirted miners. Wherefore too, he created a comic Yankee +who should be eccentric enough to bring a banjo to the camp, and a lover +who should be charmed by its touching strains. It required a prologue +and three acts to enable him to successfully introduce the banjo. In a +somewhat condensed form, these acts and this prologue are here set +forth. + +PROLOGUE. _A seedy husband who is audaciously palmed upon the public as +a Reasoning Animal is discovered in a London garret, with a +healthy-looking wife, in a rapid consumption_. + +REASONING ANIMAL. "I loved you, my dear, and therefore brought you from +a comfortable home to this dreary garret. I cannot bear to leave you, so +I will go out for a walk." (_The bell rings, and the wife's mother, +brother and family physician enter._) + +MOTHER. "You must leave your husband and come home and live with us." + +BROTHER. "Of course you must. You need not hesitate about a little thing +like that. Go into the other room and consult the Doctor. Here comes +your husband." (_Re-enter_ REASONING ANIMAL.) + +REASONING ANIMAL. "Her berrotherr! Herre!" + +BROTHER, "Yes. You can't support your wife. The Doctor says she needs +nice parties and other necessaries of life. Give her to us, and go to +California." + +REASONING ANIMAL. "I will. Bring her here till I embrace her. (_She is +brought._) Farewell, my dear. I will go and make my fortune." + +WIFE. "Take our little girl with you." + +REASONING ANIMAL. "I will, for she needs a mother's care. Good-bye! +Leave me to weep and wash the baby's face and hands alone." + +ACT I.--_Scene, a California mining-camp. Various miners of assorted +nationalities--one of each--hard at work lying on the ground._ + +1ST MINER. "I want more whiskey." + +CHORUS. "So do we." + +2ND MINER. "MAY WILDROSE won't sell any more." + +CHORUS. "But she gives it to her lover." + +3RD MINER. "He looks clean; he must have found a nugget. Let's kill +him." + +4TH MINER. "Sh--we will." (_Enter_ MAY WILDROSE--_which her name it is_ +MISS LOTTA.) + +MAY. "Here comes my darling LIONEL. Let me get you some brandy, love." + +LIONEL. "Certainly, my dear. How full of forethought is a true woman's +love!" + +CHORUS of MINERS. "She gives it to him, but not to us. Beware, young +woman, or we will go back on you." + +MAY. "No you won't. My father earns a laborious living by making me keep +a whiskey shop. We have a monopoly of the business, and you will have to +buy of us, whether you like it or not. Get out of my sight, or I'll lick +the whole boiling of you." (_They fly, and she returns to the parental +whiskey shop._) + +LIONEL. "Night is coming on. I will go among the rocks; why, I don't +know, but still I will go." (_Goes. Three miners follow and attack +him._) + +LIONEL. "Save me, somebody." + +MAY. _Appearing suddenly with a revolver_--"You bet." (_She shoots the +miners and brings down the curtain triumphantly._) + +ACT II.--_Scene--the whiskey shop of the_ REASONING ANIMAL.--LIONEL +_asleep on a bed evidently borrowed from some boarding-house--since it +is several feet too short for him_.--MAY _engaged in peeling +potatoes.--Enter_ REASONING ANIMAL. + +REASONING ANIMAL. "My daughter! I see you are passionately in love with +LIONEL. Therefore, as I know him to be a fine young fellow, you must +never see him more." (_Enter_ COMIC YANKEE.) + +COMIC YANKEE. "Here's your new banjo, Miss MAY. Play us something comic +and depressing." + +MAY. "Thank Heaven, I can get at the banjo at last" (_Plays and is +encored a dozen times._) + +COMIC YANKEE. "Miss MAY, you must go and take a walk." (_She goes._) +"LIONEL, you are well enough to leave this ranche. Get up and get." + +LIONEL. "Farewell, beloved whiskey shop. Tell MAY I am going to leave +her, and give her my sketches. If she once looks at them, she can love +me no longer." (_Goes out to slow music. Re-enter_ MAY.) + +MAY. "The wretch has left me without a word. I will bury his infamous +sketches under the floor. They may frighten away the rats." (_Pulls up +the floor and finds an immense nugget. Her father rushes in to see it. +Two miners also see it and try to raise it. They are promptly seen and +called by_ MAY, _who shoots one and holds the pistol pointed at the +other, while the curtain slowly falls._) + +ACT III.--_Scene, a London drawing-room. Enter_ MAY, _gorgeously +dressed. Also her father, who has forgotten all about his wife, and +also_ LIONEL _and the_ COMIC YANKEE. + +COMIC YANKEE. "Let us sing." + +MAY. "Come on, old hoss." (_They sing and dance for an hour, such being +the pleasant custom of fashionable London society._) + +MAY. "Miss CLARA! I understand you are engaged to marry LIONEL, and that +if you marry anybody else you lose your dower of twenty thousand pounds. +Sell LIONEL to me, and I will give you a check for the amount." + +CLARA. "Thanks, noble stranger, there is the receipt. Hand over the +money." + +LIONEL. "Dearest MAY, as you must have a pretty large bank account, to +be able to draw checks for twenty thousand pounds, I am quite sure I +love you." + +MAY. "Come to my arms. Now then, everybody, how is that for high!" +(_Slow curtain, relieved by eccentric gymnastics by the_ COMIC YANKEE.) + +BOY IN THE AUDIENCE. "Pa! isn't that splendid?" + +DISCRIMINATING PARENT. "What! How! Who! Where am I? O, to be sure, I +came to see _Heart's Ease_, and to take my evening nap. Did LOTTA play +the banjo?" + +BOY. "O didn't she just. She played and sung dead loads of times." + +DISCRIMINATING PARENT. "I have had a sweet nap. My son, I think I can +now risk taking you to the minstrels. If I slept through this, I could +feel reasonably sure of sleeping through even the dark conundrums and +sentimental colored ballads. There is only a shade of difference between +the two styles of performance, and that slight shade is only burnt +cork." + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Mural Decorations in Rome. + +The "dead walls" of Rome, as we learn from the telegrams, were lately +placarded with immense posters proclaiming the Italian Republic. + +Rome being an "Eternal City," we were not previously aware that any of +her walls were dead. If they are, however, it may be that the posters of +the posters referred to took that method of bringing them to life again, +which may be looked on as a _post mortem_ proceeding. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETORT COURTEOUS. + +_Newly-arrived Briton._ "ENGLISH SPARROWS?--IMPOSSIBLE. WHY, THEY CHIRP +THROUGH THEIR LITTLE NOSES LIKE WEGULAR YANKEES." + +_Park-Keeper._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT TAKES TWO MEN AND A CART, +EVERY DAY TO REMOVE THE 'Hs' DROPPED BY THEM ABOUT THE PARK."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +PARIS, FIRST WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Things are becoming so mixed here that I am thinking +of retiring to Tours with the other tourists. The city is all on the +go--that is to say, the non-combatants are all going out of it as fast +as possible. + +GAMBETTA left here the early part of the week, and it was better for him +that he should. I wouldn't give a _sou_ for any of these republicans if +they chance to fall into the clutches of King WILLIAM. It is reported +that he has issued an order for the strangulation of all French children +between the ages of three and five, in reprisal for the treacherous +blowing up of Germans at Laon. + +BISMARCK has requested the privilege of cooking ROCHEFORT'S mutton for +him, should he be taken alive when Paris falls. What he means by +"cooking his mutton" has not yet transpired, but it is gloomily +vaticinated that he intends to boil him down. ROCHEFORT mutton with +caper sauce ought to satisfy the epicurean taste of BISMARCK, especially +as ROCHEFORT would cease his caperings from that hour. Late last night +there was an alarm in the city that the whole Prussian army was at +Noisy-le-Sec. As you may have suspected, a noisy demonstration followed +this announcement. + +I got out of bed, rang the bell, and requested the _concierge_ to bring +me an auger. The man looked a little astonished at what he undoubtedly +considered a strange request. + +For a man to get out of bed in the middle of the night and call for an +auger, was indeed a trifle peculiar. When he brought it, I increased his +astonishment by proceeding to bore a hole through the top of my trunk. + +"_C'est un imbecile_," said the concierge, retreating a step or two. + +"Not much," I retorted, boring away with renewed vigor. Presently the +orifice was made. Into it I thrust an Alpen stock which had accompanied +me in many a toilsome march through Switzerland, and lifting the lid, +took from the cradle of the trunk a star-spangled banner made of silk, +which had been presented to me by the Young Men's Christian Association +of New York, prior to my departure for Europe, as a token of their +esteem for my services in the capacity of a "reformed drunkard." I +fastened the flag to the stock, put my boots, clothes and other +valuables on top of the trunk, and in a voice intended to express my +defiance of King WILLIAM and his German Lagerheads, spoke these words: + + Wave fearless, there, thou standard sheet! + That Yankee trunk and all it holds + (Though Prussian hirelings throng each street) + Is safe beneath thy starry folds! + +Saying which I dismissed the humiliated _concierge_, took a drink, blew +out the _bougie_, and sank into the arms of "Tired nature's sweet +restorer." + +Instances like the above are quite common among Americans in Paris. It +was only the other day at the depot of the _Chemin de fer du Nord_ that +I saw a sick Bostonian sitting on his trunk outside the gates, waiting +for a chance to get into the train, with a Skye-terrier between his legs +wrapped in the American flag. You easily get accustomed to such sights, +and don't think anything about them. + +Yesterday I called at the office of the American Minister. I gave the +porter my card, and asked if "WASH." was in. He eyed me strangely. (Most +people when they first see me generally do. I have thought sometimes +that a certificate of good character posted conspicuously about my +person would obviate this--but as they say here, "_n' importe_.") + +"I'll see," said the porter, in reply to my question. He walked off, +taking with him the door mat, an umbrella that stood in the hall, four +coats and three hats that hung on the rack, besides numerous other small +portable articles of _vertu_ that would have come handy for a +professional "lifter." + +I did not consider this movement a reflection upon my character, for it +seemed but appropriate that he should do it. "What," said I to myself, +"are porters for, but to remove portable articles?" + +"WASH" was in, and fortunately for me, too, as I obtained a bit of news +that has not yet been printed in the cable dispatches from "Private +Sources." + +It came by letter from General FORSYTH, SHERIDAN'S aide-de-camp and Lord +High Chamberlain, and was to the effect that SHERIDAN had not tasted a +drop of whiskey or uttered an oath since landing in Germany. WASH, asked +me to communicate the fact to you with the request that you would +forward it to the "Society for the Encouragement of Practical Piety" at +Boston. He also told me that, between looking after German interests in +Paris and receiving ovations from enthusiastic mobs, he didn't think he +could do justice to his salary. + +"WASH," says I, "it isn't so much that, as it is that the salary doesn't +do justice to you. If that's the case speak right out; PUNCHINELLO can +fix it for you." This took WASH. so suddenly that he couldn't speak, but +his eyes were running over with language. Don't move in the matter, +however, till you hear from me again, when I shall have something more +to tell you about the march of the Prussians to this capital, and the +capital march I propose to make out of it. + +Yours, in a revolutionary state, DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +NEW PUBLICATIONS. + +MONSIEUR SYLVESTRE. By GEORGE SAND. Boston: ROBERTS BROTHERS. + +A welcome version of one of Madame DUDEVANT'S novels, well rendered into +English by Mr. F.G. SHAW. It is issued in very neat and attractive +form, and is one of a series of the SAND novels, publishing by Messrs. +ROBERTS. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. 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