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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:33:48 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:33:48 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/10047-0.txt b/10047-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c6f5f0f --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2364 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10047 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," to preserve the paper for binding, will be | + | sent postpaid, on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "503," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +VOL II., NO. 29 + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +Continued in this Number. + + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO-- the only first-class, | + | original, illustrated, humorous and satirical weekly paper | + | published in this country--ending with No. 26, September 24, | + | 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Extra Cloth, | + | | + | will be ready for delivery on Oct 1, 1870. | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | + | price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | + | and the Bound Volume, (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to | + | any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | + | extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | + | subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of a paper for one year, with a fine chromo | + | premium, for..... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | + | electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper everywhere. Send for our | + | Special Circular. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N.Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No. 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | JOHN NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for September, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | + | | + | MATERNITY | + | | + | A POPULAR TREATISE | + | | + | For Young Wives and Mothers | + | | + | BY T. S. VERDI, A. M., M. D., OF WASHINGTON, D. C. | + | | + | Dr. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | + | Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | + | experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will hare a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J. B. 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Chandler. | + | | + | The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, | + | having purchased the subscription list and stock of the | + | American reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to | + | advance the interests of the American Chemical Science by | + | the publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of | + | communication for all practical, thinking, experimenting, | + | and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. | + | | + | The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | + | reception of original articles from any part of the country, | + | subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any | + | points of interest within the scope of the Journal will | + | receive prompt attention. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | + | | + | Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per | + | number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXII.--(Continued.) + +When Miss POTTS and Mr. SIMPSON rejoined Mr. DIBBLE, in the office of +the latter, across the street, it was decided that the flighty young +girl should be made less expensive to her friends by temporary +accommodation in an economical boarding-house, and that the Gospeler, +returning to Bumsteadville, should persuade Miss CAROWTHERS to come and +stay with her until the time for the reopening of the Macassar Female +College. + +Subsequently, with his homeless ward upon his arm, the benignant old +lawyer underwent a series of scathing rebuffs from the various +high-strung descendants of better days at whose once luxurious but now +darkened homes he applied for the desired board. Time after time was he +reminded, by unspeakably majestic middle-aged ladies with bass voices, +that when a fine old family loses its former wealth by those +vicissitudes of fortune which bring out the noblest traits of character +and compel the letting-out of a few damp rooms, it is significant of a +weak understanding, or a depraved disrespect of the dignity of +adversity, to expect that such families shall lose money and lower their +hereditary high tone by waiting upon a parcel of young girls. A few +Single Gentlemen desiring all the comforts of a home would not be +considered insulting unless they objected to the butter, and a couple of +married Childless Gentlemen with their wives might be pardoned for +respectfully applying; but the idea of a parcel of young girls! Wherever +he went, the reproach of not being a few Single Gentlemen, or a, couple +of married Childless Gentlemen with their wives, abashed Mr. DIBBLE into +helpless retreat; while FLORA'S increasing guilty consciousness of the +implacable sentiment against her as a parcel of young girls, culminated +at last in tears. Finally, when the miserable lawyer was beginning to +think strongly of the House of the Good Shepherd, or the Orphan Asylum, +as a last resort, it suddenly occurred to him that Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, a +distant widowed aunt of his clerk, Mr. BLADAMS, had been known to live +upon boarders in Bleecker Street; and thither he dragged hastily the +despised object on his arm. + +Being a widow without children, and relieved of nearly all the +weaknesses of her sex by the systematic refusal of the opposite sex to +give her any encouragement in them, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN was a relentless +advocate of Woman's Inalienable Rights, and only wished that Man could +just see himself in that contemptible light in which he was distinctly +visible to One who, sooner than be his Legal Slave, would never again +accompany him to the Altar. + +"I tell you candidly, DIBBLE," said she, in answer to his application, +"that if you had applied to be taken yourself, I should have said +'Never!' and at once called in the police. Since SKAMMERHORN died +delirious, I have always refused to have his sex in the house, and I +tell you, frankly, that I consider it hardly human. If this girl of +yours, however, and the elderly female whom, you say, she expects to +join her in a few days, will make themselves generally useful about the +house, and try to be companions to me, I can give them the very room +where SKAMMERHORN died." + +Perceiving that FLORA turned pale, her guardian whispered to her that +she would not be alone in the room, at any rate; and then respectfully +asked whether the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN had ever been seen around the +house since his death? + +"To be frank with you," answered the widow, "I did think that I came +upon him once in the closet, with his back to me, as often I'd seen the +weak creature in life going after a bottle on the top shelf. But it was +only his coat hanging there, with his boots standing below and my muff +hanging over to look like his head." + +"You think, then," said Mr. DIBBLE, inquiringly, "that it is such a room +as two ladies could occupy, without awaking at midnight with a strange +sensation and thinking they felt a supernatural presence?" + +"Not if the bed was rightly searched beforehand, and all the joints well +peppered with magnetic powder," was the assuring answer. + +"Could we see the room, madam?" + +"If the shutters were open you could; as they're not;" returned the +widow, not offering to stir; "but ever since SKAMMERHORN, starting up +with a howl, said 'Here he comes again, red-hot!' and tried to jump out +of the window, I've never opened them for any single man, and never +shall. I couldn't bear it, DIBBLE, to see one of your sex in that room +again, and hope you will not insist." + +Broken in spirit as he was by preceding humiliations, the old lawyer had +not the heart to contest the point, and it was agreed, that, upon the +arrival of Miss CAROWTHERS from Bumsteadville, she and FLORA should +accept the memorable room in question. + +Upon their way back to the hotel, guardian and ward met Mr. BENTHAM, +who, from the moment of becoming a character in their Story, had been +possessed with that mysterious madness for open-air exercise which +afflicted every acquaintance of the late EDWIN DROOD, and now saluted +them in the broiling street and solemnly besought their company for a +long walk. "It has occurred to me," said the Comic Paper man, who had +resumed his black worsted gloves, "that Mr. DIBBLE and Miss POTTS may be +willing to aid me in walking-off some of the darker suicidal +inclinations incident to first-class Humorous Journalism in America. +Reading the 'proof' of an instalment of a comic serial now publishing in +my paper, I contracted such gloom, that a frantic rush into the fresh +air was my only hope of on escape from self-destruction. Let us walk, +if you please." + +Led on, in the profoundest melancholy, by this chastened character, Mr. +DIBBLE and the Flowerpot were presently toiling hotly through a +succession of grievous side-streets, and forlorn short-cuts to dismal +ferries; the state of their conductor's spirits inclining him to find a +certain refreshingly solemn joy in the horrors of pedestrianism imposed +by obstructions of merchandise on side-walks, and repeated climbings +over skids extending from store doors to drays. Inspired to an +extraordinary flow of malignant animal spirits by the complexities of +travel incident to the odorous mazes of some hundred odd kegs of salt +mackerel and boxes of brown soap impressively stacked before one very +enterprising Commission house, Mr. BENTHAM lightened the journey with +anecdotes of self-made Commission men who had risen in life by breaking +human legs and city ordinances; and dwelt emotionally upon the scenes in +the city hospitals where ladies and gentlemen were brought in, with +nails from the hoops of sugar-hogsheads sticking into their feet, or +limbs dislocated from too-loftily piled firkins of butter falling upon +them. Through incredible hardships, and amongst astounding complications +of horse-cars, target companies, and barrels of everything, Mr. BENTHAM +also amused his friends with circuits of several of the fine public +markets of New York; explaining to them the relations of the various +miasmatic smells of those quaint edifices with the various devastating +diseases of the day, and expatiating quite eloquently upon the political +corruption involved in the renting of the stalls, and the fine openings +there were for Cholera and Yellow Fever in the Fish and Vegetable +departments. Then, as a last treat, he led his panting companions +through several lively up-hill blocks of drug-mills and tobacco firms, +to where they had a distant view of a tenement house next door to a +kerosene factory, where, as he vivaciously told them, in the event of a +fire, at least one hundred human beings would be slowly done to a turn. +After which all three returned from their walk, firmly convinced that an +unctuous vein of humor had been conscientiously worked, and abstractedly +wishing themselves dead.[1] + +The exhilarating effect of the genial Comic Paper man upon FLORA did +not, indeed, pass away, until she and Miss CAROWTHERS were in their +appointed quarters under the roof of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, whither they went +immediately upon the arrival of the elder spinster from Bumsteadville. + +"It could have been wished, my good woman," said Miss CAROWTHERS, +casting a rather disparaging look around the death-chamber of the late +Mr. SKAMMERHORN, "that you had assigned to educated single young ladies, +like ourselves, an apartment less suggestive of Man in his wedded +aspects. The spectacle of a pair of pegged boots sticking out from under +a bed, and a razor and a hone grouped on the mantle-shelf, is not such +as I should desire to encourage in the dormitory of a pupil under my +tuition." + +"That's much to be deplored, I'm sure, CAROWTHERS," returned Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN, severely, "and sorry am I that I ever married, on that +particular account. I'd not have done it, if you'd only told me. But, +seeing that I married SKAMMERHORN, and then he died delirious, his +boots and razor must remain, just as he often wished to throw the +former at me in his ravings. Once married is enough, say I; and those +who never were, through having no proposals, must bear with those who +have, and take things as they come." + +"There are those, I'd have you know, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, to whom proposals +have been no inducement," said Miss CAROWTHERS, sharply; "or, if being +made, and then withdrawn, have given our sex opportunities to prove, in +courts of law, that damages can still be got. I'm afraid of no Man, my +good woman, as a person named BLODGETT once learned from a jury; but +boots and razors are not what I would have familiar to the mind of one +who never had a husband to die in raging torments, nor yet has sued for +breach." + +"Miss POTTS is but a chicken, I'll admit," retorted Mrs. SKAMMERHORN; +"but you're not such, CAROWTHERS, by many a good year. On the contrary, +quite a hen. Then, you being with her, if the boots and razor make her +think she sees that poor, weak SKAMMERHORN a-ranging round the room, +when in his grave it is his place to be, you've only got to say: 'A fool +you are, and always were,'--as often I, myself, called at him in his +lifetime,--and off he'll go into his tomb again for fear of +broomsticks." + +"FLORA, my dear," said Miss CAROWTHERS, turning with dignity to her +pupil, "if I know anything of human nature, the man who has once got +away from here, will stay away. Only single ghosts have attachments for +the houses in which they once lived. So, never mind the boots and razor, +darling; which, after all, if seen by peddlers, or men who come to fix +the gas, might keep us safe from robbers." + +"As safe as any man himself, young woman, with pistols under his head +that he would never dare to fire if robbers were no more than cats +rampaging," added Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, enthusiastically. "With nothing but +an old black hat of SKAMMERHORN'S, and walking-cane, kept hanging in the +hall, I haven't lost a spoon by tramps or census takers for six mortal +years. So, make yourselves at home, I beg you both, while I go down and +cook the liver for our dinner. You'll find it tender as a chicken, after +what you've broke your teeth upon in boarding-schools; though +SKAMMERHORN declared it made him bilious in the second year, forgetting +what he'd drank with sugar to his taste, beforehand." + +Thus was sweet FLORA POTTS introduced to her new home; where, but for +looking down from her windows at the fashions, making-up hundreds of +bows of ribbons for her neck, and making-over all her dresses, her +woman's mind must have been a blank. What time Miss CAROWTHERS told her +all day how she looked in this or that style of wearing her hair, and +read her to sleep each night with extracts from the pages of cheery +HANNAH MORE. As for the object nearest her young heart, to say that she +was wholly unruffled by it would be inaccurate; but by address she kept +it hidden from all eyes save her own. + +[Footnote 1: Ordinary readers, while admiring the heavy humor of this +unexpected open-air episode, may wonder what on earth it has to do with +the the Story; but the cultivated few, understanding the ingenious +mechanics of novel-writing, will appreciate it as a most skilful and +happy device to cover the interval between the hiring of Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN's room, and the occupation thereof by FLORA and her late +teacher--another instance of what our profoundly critical American +journals call "artistic--elaboration." (See corresponding Chapter of +the original English Story.)] + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +GOING HOME IN THE MORNING. + +After having thrown all his Ritualistic friends at home into a most +unholy and exasperated condition of mind, by a steady series of vague +remarks as to the extreme likelihood of their united implication in the +possible deed of darkness by which he has lost a broadcloth nephew and +an alpaca umbrella, the mournful Mr. BUMSTEAD is once more awaiting the +dawn in that popular retreat in Mulberry Street where he first +contracted his taste for cloves. The Assistant-Assessor and the Alderman +of the Ward are again there, tilted back against the wall in their +chairs; their shares in the Congressional Nominating Convention held in +that room earlier in the night having left them too weary for further +locomotion. The decanters and tumblers hurled by the Nominating +Convention over the question of which Irishman could drink the most to +be nominated, are still scattered about the floor; here and there a +forgotten slungshot marks the places where rival delegations have +confidently presented their claims for recognition; and a few +bullet-holes in the wall above the bar enumerate the various pauses in +the great debate upon the perils of the public peace from Negro +Suffrage. + +Reclining with great ease of attitude upon an uncushioned settee, the +Ritualistic organist is aroused from dreamy slumber by the turning-over +of the pipe in his mouth, and majestically motions for the venerable +woman of the house to come and brush the ashes from his clothes. + +"Wud yez have it filled again, honey?" asks the woman. "Sure, wan pipe +more would do ye no harrum." + +"I'mtooshleepy," he says, dropping the pipe. + +"An' are yez too shlapey, asthore, to talk a little bissiness wid an +ould woman?" she asks, insinuatingly. "Couldn't yez be afther payin' me +the bit av a schore I've got agin ye?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his eyes reproachfully, and wishes to know how she +can dare talk about money matters to an organist who, at almost any +moment, may be obliged to see a Chinaman hired in his place on account +of cheapness? + +"Could the haythen crayture play, thin?" she asks, wonderingly. + +"Thairvairimitative," he tells her;--"Cookwashiron' n' eatbirdsnests." + +"An' vote would they, honey?" + +"Yesh--'f course--thairvairimitative, I tell y'," snarls he: +"do'tcheapzdirt." + +"Is it vote chaper they would, the haythen naygurs, than daycint, +hardworkin' white min?" she asks, excitedly. + +"Yesh. Chinesecheaplabor," he says, bitterly. + +"Och, hone!" cries the woman, in anguish; "and f'hat's the poor to do +then, honey?" + +"Gowest; go'nfarm!" sobs Mr. BUMSTEAD, shedding tears. "I'd go m'self if +a-hadn't lost dear-er-rerelative.--Nephew'n' umbrella." + +"Saint PAYTHER! an' f'hat's that?" + +"EDWINS!" cries the unhappy organist, starting to his feet with a wild +reel. "Th' pride of'suncle'sheart! I see 'm now, +in'sh'fectionatemanhood, with whalebone ribs, made 'f alpaca, +andyetsoyoung. 'Help me!' hiccries; 'PENDRAGON'sash'nate'n me!' +hiccries--and I go!" + +While uttering this extraordinary burst of feeling, he has advanced +towards the door in a kind of demoniac can-can, and, at its close, +abruptly darts into the street and frantically makes off. + +"The cross of the holy fathers!" ejaculates the woman, momentarily +bewildered by this sudden termination of the scene. Then a new +expression comes swiftly over her face, and she adds, in a different +tone, "Odether-nodether, but it's coonin' as a fox he is, and it's off +he's gone again widout payin' me the schore! Sure, but I'll follow him, +if it's to the wurruld's ind, and see f'hat he is and where he is." + +Thus it happens that she reaches Bumsteadville almost as soon as the +Ritualistic organist, and, following him to his boarding-house, +encounters Mr. TRACEY CLEWS upon the steps. + +"Well, now!" calls that gentleman, as she looks inquiringly at him, "who +do you want?" + +"Him as just passed in, your Honor." + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD?" + +"Ah. Where does he play the organ?" + +"In St. Cow's Church, down yonder. Mass at seven o'clock, and he'll be +there in half an hour." + +"It's there I'll be, thin," mumbles the woman; "and bad luck to it that +I didn't know before; whin I came to ax him for me schore, and might +have gone home widout a cint but for a good lad named EDDY who gave me a +sthamp.--The same EDDY, I'm thinkin', that I've heard him mutter about +in his shlape at my shebang in town, whin he came there on political +business." + +After a start and a pause, Mr. CLEWS repeats his information concerning +the Ritualistic church, and then cautiously follows the woman as she +goes thither. + +Unconscious of the remarkable female figure intently watching him from +under a corner of the gallery, and occasionally shaking a fist at him, +Mr. BUMSTEAD attends to the musical part of the service with as much +artistic accuracy as a hasty head-bath and a glass of soda-water are +capable of securing. The worshippers are too busy with risings, +kneelings, bowings, and miscellaneous devout gymnastics, to heed his +casual imperfections, and his headache makes him fiercely indifferent to +what any one else may think. + +Coming out of the athletic edifice, Mr. CLEWS comes upon the woman +again, who seems excited. + +"Well?" he says. + +"Sure he saw me in time to shlip out of a back dure," she returns, +savagely; "but it's shtrait to his boording-house I'm going afther him, +the spalpeen." + +Again Mr. TRACEY CLEWS follows her; but this time he allows her to go up +to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, while he turns into his own apartment where his +breakfast awaits him. "I can make a chalk mark for the trail I've struck +to-day," he says; and then thoughtfully attacks the meal upon the +table.[2] + +(_To be Continued._) + + +[Footnote 2: At this point, the English original of this Adaptation--the +"Mystery of EDWIN DROOD"--breaks off forever.] + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Nilsson has come; and, sad to say, has brought dissension and discord +with her. Not that there is any discord in her matchless voice, but +there is a vast amount of wrangling as to her precise merits. Do you +doubt this? Then come with me in my light Fourth Avenue car, while the +stars are bright and the sky is blue, (this is an adaptation of a once +popular love-song by Dr. WATTS,) and we will go to Steinway Hall to hear +the Improved Swedish Nightingale, and feast our eyes on STRAKOSCH'S +flowers. + +We pass up the steep staircase--with many misgivings as to our ankles, +if we belong to the sex which considers the possession of those +anatomical features a fact to be carefully concealed, provided they are +not symmetrical. We pass the door-keeper, who, as is the custom of his +kind, frowns malignantly at us, and evidently asks himself--"How much +longer can I refrain from tearing up the tickets of these impudent +pleasure-seekers, and throwing the pieces in their infamously contented +countenances?" We gain the hall, and are sent to the inevitable "other +aisle," by the usher, (by the way, why is it that one always gets into +the wrong aisle, only to be ignominiously ordered to the opposite side +of the house?) and we finally turn various illegal occupants out of our +seats, and begin to fan ourselves in fervid anticipation of the coming +musical treat. A buzz of conversation is everywhere going on. Did any +one ever notice the curious fact that a middle-aged man and woman can +converse at a theatre or concert room without either one finding any +difficulty in hearing what the other says, while no young man can make +his accompanying young lady hear a single word unless his mouth is in +close proximity to her ear? This singular state of things is doubtless +due to the peculiar acoustical properties of public buildings. We +manage, however, to hear a good deal of both young and middle-aged +conversation, of the following improving type. + +RURAL PERSON. "I've heard most everybody that's sung in our Philadelphy +opera house, and some of 'em are pretty hard to beat. NILSSON may beat +'em, you know. Mind, now, I don't say she won't, but she's got a mighty +hard row to hoe." + +CRITIC. _(Who sent for seats for his eight sisters and their +friends--but who did not get them.)_ "There comes the Scandinavian +Society--fifty Irishmen at fifty cents a head. Did you see the flowers +piled up in the lobby? MAX paid seven hundred dollars for the lot." + +YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! I wish you wouldn't look at that fellow across the +way. You know how your own darling loves you, and--" + +YOUNG LADY. "Hush! Don't bother. Here comes VIEUXTEMPS." + +VIEUXTEMPS plays, and the audience listens with the air of people who +are dreadfully bored, but are afraid to show it. He disappears with an +amount of applause carefully graduated so as to express enthusiasm +without the desire for hearing him again. The Rural Person remarks that +"he doesn't think much of fiddlers anyhow. Give him a trombone, or a +banjo, for his money." + +MR. WEHLI then trifles with the piano. Him, too, the audience politely +endure, but plainly do not appreciate. They have come to hear NILSSON, +and feel outraged at having to hear anybody else. A cornet solo by the +Angel GABRIEL himself would be secretly regarded as undoubtedly +artistic, but certainly a little out of place. + +CHORUS OF RIVAL PIANO-MAKERS. "What a wretched instrument that poor +fellow is made to play upon. Nobody can produce any effect on a STEINWAY +piano. It's good for nothing but for boarding-school practice." + +CRITIC, (who knows Mr. STEINWAY.) "Anybody can please people by playing +on a STEINWAY. I defy WEHLI or any other man to play badly on such a +superb instrument as that." + +YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! Do you remember the day when you gave me one of +your hair-pins? I have worn it next my--" + +YOUNG LADY. "Oh, don't bother. NILSSON is just going to sing." + +And she does sing, with that voice so matchless in its perfect purity, +that even the disappointed critic grows uneasy as he tries in vain to +find some reasonable fault with it. She ceases, and amid wild cheers +from the paying part of the audience, silent approval from the +deadheads, and shouts of "Hooroo!" and "Begorra!" from the Scandinavian +Society, MAX'S flowers are brought in solemn procession up the aisle, +and laid at the feet of the Improved Nightingale. + +CRITIC. "Those flowers will just be taken out of the back door, and +brought in again to be used the second time. There's a hand-cart waiting +for them now, at the Fifteenth Street entrance." + +SIX PRIME DONNE, _(who were not asked to sing at the NILSSON concerts.)_ +"Well, did you ever hear 'Angels Ever Bright' sung in a more atrocious +style? If that is NILSSON's idea of expression, the sooner she leaves +the stage to artists, the better." + +CYNICAL OLD MUSICIAN. "Bah! NILSSON infuses religious sentiment into her +singing, and these envious creatures don't know what religious sentiment +is, so they think she is all wrong. If she had sung HANDEL with a smile, +and a coquettish tossing of her head, they would still have hated her, +but they would not have ventured to call her "inartistic."" + +YOUNG MAN. "Darling! I had rather hear your sweet voice, than listen to +NILSSON or a choir of angels for the rest of my--" + +YOUNG LADY. "CHARLES, you will drive me wild, with your intolerable +spooniness. I'll never come out with you again. See how the SMITH girls +are looking at you." + +RURAL PERSON. "--So I says to the usher, 'If you think I'm a countryman +who don't know what's what, you're everlastingly sold.' 'I'm from +Philadelphy,' says I, 'and we've got singers there that can knock spots +out of your NILLOGGS and KELSONS and the rest of 'em.' So he just--" + +RIVAL MANAGER. "My tear fellow, you shust mind dis. MAX vill lose all +his monish. NILSSON can't sing, my tear! She vanted me to encage her a +year ago, but I vouldn't do it. Dere ish no monish in her, now you mind +vot I says." + +DISTINGUISHED TEACHER. "You call her an artist! Why, look here, if one +of my scholars were to phrase as wretchedly as she does, I'd never show +my face in public again. Her voice is so-so, but her school is simply +infamous." + +CELEBRATED TEACHER. "Well, I don't mind saying that I never heard her +equal in point of quality of voice. She gives you pure tone, which is +what hardly any other singer does." + +NINE TENTHS OF THE AUDIENCE. "She is perfectly lovely. There never was +anybody like her." + +CONNOISSEUR, _(who really does know something about music, but who +actually has no prejudices.)_ "Her voice is such a one as MARGARET must +have had when she sang by her spinning-wheel, before fate threw her in +the way of FAUST. And these professional musicians will tear her +reputation to pieces among themselves! Why should musical people be, of +all others, most fond of discord?" + +CRITIC. "There! those fools are determined to make her sing again. I +can't stand this. I'll see MAX once more, and if he don't do the right +thing, I'll say that NILSSON was played out in Europe before she came +here, and that she is a complete failure." + +YOUNG MAN, "Sweetest! may I ask you one question?" + +YOUNG LADY. "No, you shan't. Will you keep quiet? Everybody is looking +at you." + +EVERYBODY. "Sh! sh! sh!" + +NILSSON sings again. As her delicious notes die out in the thunder of +applause, I make my way out of the Hall, into the clear and silent +night. For not even the witchery of VIEUXTEMPS'S violin is fit to mate +in memory with the peerless tones of NILSSON. + +Here I meant to do some fine writing, but as this is PUNCHINELLO, and +not the "Easy Chair" of Harper's Magazine, I conquer the temptation. +Wherefore I accept the gratitude of my readers, and sign myself + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Congestion at "The Sun." + +PUNCHINELLO is pained to know that the circulation of his bewitching +contemporary, _The Sun_, is daily growing more and more languid. +Paralysis has set in, and the patient but seldom has the energy to +dictate the daily bulletin giving the state of his circulation. + + * * * * * + +Only a Suggestion. + +It will be bad enough for the Prussian Cavalrymen to water their horses +in the Seine, but if they go to driving their stakes in the Bois de +Boulogne, won't the Parisians think it looks a little like running +things into the ground? + + * * * * * + +OUR MASTERS OF ART. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: The knights of the pencil and easel, having returned +from their usual visits to their summer haunts, and having exchanged the +blue skies and grassy vales of Nature for the smoky ceilings and dirty +floors of Art, (I believe that is the proper way to commence this kind +of an article,) your correspondent has visited a number of them, and has +obtained authentic accounts of their present occupations, and has also +been permitted to make slight sketches of some of their principal works. + +BIERSTADT, as usual, is painting Yos. Having entirely exhausted the Yo +Semite, he is now at work on a grand picture of a Southdown Ewe, and +will soon commence a view of his studio,--at sunrise. He well deserves +his title of the Yeoman of Art. + +JAMES HAMILTON, of Philadelphia, is painting a sunset. It may not be +generally known, but it is a fact, that he paints the sun every time it +sets. The following sketch will give a good idea of his next great +picture. The nails are inserted in the sun to keep it from going down +any further, and spoiling the scene. + +[Illustration] + +WILLIAM T. RICHARDS, of the same city, is hard at work on a picture +which is intended to represent, to the life, water in motion; a +specialty which he has lately adopted. It is entitled "A Scene on the +Barbary Coast; Water in Motion, Steamer in the Distance." The subjoined +sketch represents the general plan of the picture. + +[Illustration] + +Still another Philadelphia artist, Mr. ROTHERMEL, is very busy at a +great work. He is putting the finishing-touches to his vast painting of +the Battle of Gettysburg. On this enormous canvas may be seen correct +likenesses of all the principal generals, colonels, captains, majors, +first and second lieutenants, sergeant-majors, sergeants, corporals and +high privates who were engaged in that battle; and by the consummate +skill of the artist, each one of them, to the great gratification of +himself and his family, is placed prominently in the foreground. Such +distinguished success should meet appropriate reward, and it is now +rumored that the artist will soon be commissioned by Congress to paint +for the Rotunda of the Capitol a grand picture of our late civil war, +with all the incidents of that struggle, upon one canvas. + +Of the artists who affect the "shaded wood," we learn that Mr. HENNESSY, +now absent in Europe, is drawing another "Booth." Whether this is +intended particularly for "Every Saturday," I cannot say, but I suppose +it will answer for any other week-day. At any rate, here is his last +"Booth." + +[Illustration] + +NAST is at work on a series of sarcastic pictures illustrating the +miseries of France. Most of them show how LOUIS NAPOLEON ought to finish +up his career and dynasty. In fact, should this gifted artist ever +travel among Bonapartists, he will certainly be hunted down in an +astounding manner, and the populace, adopting American customs, will +probably congregate to see him astride a rail. Two of his smaller +studies are very interesting. One of them, called "An Astray," is simply +a ray of black light; and another, intended for the contemplation of +persons who desire light and airy pictures, is simply a portrait of +himself, entitled "A Nasturtium." + +The well-known Miss EDMONIA LEWIS has been exhibiting her statue of +"HAGAR," in Chicago. As HAGAR was the first woman who suffered anything +like divorce, Chicago is a capital place for her statue, and Miss LEWIS +evidently knows what she is about. Her name reminds me that our great +landscapist, LEWIS, is at work on a picture which he calls "A Scene in +France after a Reign." This little sketch will give an idea of the +painting. + +[Illustration] + +Most of our other artists are also worthily engaged, but time, (I +believe that is the regular way to end an article of this kind) will not +permit present mention of them. + +EFARES. + + * * * * * + +HAM AND EGGS. + +War always brings with it its signs and portents. A hen somewhere in +Virginia, according to a local paper, has lately produced an egg on the +white of which the word "War" was plainly written in black letters. Now, +when we consider that the career of LOUIS NAPOLEON was more or less +influenced by Ham, there is something very significant in the advent of +this providential egg; nor should we be surprised to learn, ere long, +that the same hen had laid another egg, this time with a Prussian yolk. + + * * * * * + +Eheu! Strasbourg. + +Reading an old traveller's description of the famous Cathedral of +Strasbourg, we note that he dwells particularly on its "fretted +windows." + +Ah! yes. They have much to fret about, now, have these old windows; and +that makes us think whether the _larmiers_ of the roof over them do not +run real tears. + + * * * * * + +"Lo" Cunning. + +The cunning of the red Indian of the Plains. + + * * * * * + +PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. + +A gaunt, tall, spectacled creature, gender feminine, number singular, +person first, case always possessive, that's the standard bearer; a +broomstick from the top of which floats a petticoat, that's the +standard. Under that standard march in the U.S. at least 20,000,000 +feminines, and--horrible to relate--gal children are on the increase. + +Certainly the devil must have invented petticoats. After EVE had +finished up that little apple job, she went into the petticoat business, +and--hence all our tears. Instantly petticoat government became a +possibility. Then, as her daughters became wiser, they invented the +weeping business, the swooning business, and the curtain lecture +business; they went for our pocket-books and they got them, and +petticoat government became a probability. Not satisfied with the +pocket-books, they are now going for the business by means of which we +fill the books, and oh, what a hankering they have for public pap! They +stick to the curtain lecture business, but now they do it before the +curtain. Alas, petticoat government is now a certainty! + +It's all very well for you to talk about the grandeur of the governments +of BOADICEA, and ELIZABETH and CATHERINE, but I don't believe that BOA, +or LIZZY, or KATE would have been very nice as a companion, if she and +you were sitting before the fire, and she wanted stamps and was going +for them as a matter of business. Besides, there was only one of them at +a time, and they didn't trouble common people much, but in this +enlightened nineteenth century I have seen a poor, miserable, six foot +dry-goods clerk turned out of a retail store by a strapping little +female, who couldn't jump a counter worth shucks. I have seen him in his +misery industriously study "What I Know About Farming," squat on a farm +in the West, and bring himself, his wife, and four miserable offshoots +to the alms-house by endeavoring to apply the rules set down in "What I +Know About Farming" to 160 acres of land. I have seen the poor, +half-paid type-setters strike for their altars, their sires, and more +wages, and I have seen a troop of petticoats, with gal children inside +them, trot into the type-setter's place, so that the miserable +compositors were compelled to return and starve on four or five dollars +a day. That's petticoat government with a vengeance. Putting your nose +to the grindstone isn't nice at any time, but it's awful when the gal +children turn. + +But that is only the beginning. They have struck for bigger things. In +the expressive language of the immortal JOHNNY MILTON, they are going +for the whole hog. They want to vote; some of them have been caught +repeating already; they want to sit on juries, and they want to go to +Congress. Heaven forbid that any of them should ever reach the House of +Representatives! Imagine the size of the _Congressional Globe_ if we +should send women there! Why, there would be as great a dearth of paper +in Washington as there is now in Paris. They want to shave you, dress +you, doctor you into your coffins, preach a funeral discourse over your +remains, and then take your will into the Surrogate's Court and fight +over the little property they have left you. + +They say all this means that they are our equals, and intend to show it. +Listen. In a town some hundreds of miles distant there is a law firm +whose sign reads thus: + + MRS. SMITH _and husband_. + +Shades of our forefathers! Ghost of BLUEBEARD! Spirit of HENRY VIII! can +this thing be? Imagine old LABAN'S daughter starting in business, and +hanging out a sign something like this: + + +-------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MRS. JACOB _and husband, | + | Having large orders from the West_, | + | SOLICIT CUSTOM. | + | N.B.--Gentlemen attended to by Mr. JACOB. | + | _The Original Mrs_. JACOB. | + | | + +-------------------------------------------+ + +Don't you suppose that JACOB, if he had found that sign over his +doorstep, would have raised a row, and if he had been overcome, don't +you suppose he would have wondered what he served those seven years for? + +Oh, young man, sitting by the side of that dainty damsel, looking so +spoonily into her deep blue eyes, playing so daintily with her golden +curls, sucking honey so frequently from her ruby lips, beware! _beware!_ +BEWARE! Remember, when she wants stamps, you can't put her off as your +pa did your ma. You can't say, "Business is awful dull," because she'll +do the business, and make you her book-keeper or porter or something of +that sort + +Petticoat government is all very well for those who like it. Some men go +through life playing a sort of insane tag, in which, first their +mothers' petticoats, and then their wives', are hunk, and they never +leave hunk. As for me, give me trouser government, or give me a first +class funeral procession with me for the corpse. + +Brethren, listen! Give me your ears! (the big ones first.) This thing +must be stopped _now_. Let us form an association for the suppression of +women, or a society for the prevention of cruelty to men. There is but +one way to cure this thing. Far out on the Western prairies dwells the +only sensible man on this continent. In the city ruled by him a man may +come home as tired as gin can make him, and his wife opens not her +mouth; he may jump over as many counters as he pleases, and none of his +wives will desire to go and do likewise. There she is the weaker vessel, +and it takes so many of her to equal one man, that she is kept in a +proper state of subjection. That's the secret; marry her a good deal. +The old maids are the ones who start the rows. Let them all be married +to some one man of a peaceable, loving, quiet disposition--say WENDELL +PHILLIPS. Let the President, if necessary, issue his proclamation making +the United States one vast Utah, and let us all be Young. + +LOT. + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I should tell you that I particularly excelled in +writing verses you'd hardly believe me. But such is the fact. I've sent +poem after poem to all the first-class magazines in the country, which, +if they'd been published, would have enabled me to pay my debts, and +start new accounts from Maine to Georgia. But they've never been +published--and why? It's jealousy. A child with half an eye can see +that. Those boss poets who get the big salaries, probably see my verses, +and pay the publishers a big price not to print 'em. + +How little the public know of the inside workings of these things! + +I'm disgusted with this trickery, and am going to shut right down on the +whole thing. Oh! they may howl, but not another line do they get! + +I'm going into the song business. That's something that isn't overdone. +I composed a perfect little gem lately. It is called "Lines on the death +of a child." I chose this subject because it is comparatively new. A few +have attempted it, but they betray a crudeness and lack of pathos +painful to witness. + +Whether I have supplied that deficiency or not is for the public, not +me, to judge. But if the public, or any other man, be he male or female, +thinks that by ribaldry and derision I can be induced to publish the +whole of this work before it's copyrighted, they're mistaken. The salt +that's going on the tail of this particular fowl ain't ripe yet. + +It's going to be set to music and it'll probably hatch a song. I called +on a publisher last week about it. + +"Don't you think," said I, "that it'll take 'em by storm?" + +"Worse than that," he replied. "It's a reg'lar _line_ gale." + +I knew he'd be enthusiastic about it. + +He said he hadn't got any notes in, that would fit it just then, but be +expected a lot in the next steamer, and I could have my choice. He was +very polite, and I thanked him kindly. + +Jealous as I am of my reputation, I am willing to stake it on this poem. +A man don't collect the obituary notices of one hundred infants and boil +'em down over a slow fire without something to be proud of, you know. + +Here is a sample of it: + + LINES ON THE DEATH OF A CHILD. + + "Tell me, dear mother, + Hast the swallows homeward flode + When the clock strikes nine? + Does our WILLIE'S spirit roam + In that home + Beyond the skies, + Along with LIZE? + Say, mother + Say--" + +The other verses are, if anything, better than this. If you are anxious +to publish this poem entire, why not leave out the pictures and all the +reading matter from PUNCHINELLO for two weeks, and show the public what +genius, brains, and ability can accomplish, unaided? If you publish it +in detachments, it weakens it, you see. If the verses can't lean against +each other, they pine away immediately. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG DEMOC TRYING TO PUT THE BIG SACHEM'S PIPE OUT. + +_Big Sachem_. "SAY, YOUNG MAN, AIN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'LL BURN YOUR +BREECHES?"] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG HAS HIS HEAD EXAMINED. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--The last time I visited a barber's shop I wanted my +hair trimmed. Being in somewhat of a hurry for the train, I told the +proprietor to cut it short. As a matter of course, I was left. As for my +hair, there was precious little of that left, though. Science was too +much for it. A hand-glass, brought to bear upon a mirror, opened up a +perspective of pretty much all the back country belonging to my skull, +that is seldom equalled outside the State Prison or the Prize Ring. + +I was indignant. I was so mad that my hair stood on end--voluntarily. +The barber talked soothingly of making a discount on the bill; and I, +looking at it in a strictly diplomatic light, gradually permitted myself +to grow calmer. He went further, and did the handsome thing by me--as if +it wasn't enough to cut under his price! A phrenologist by profession, +so he said, he had resorted to barbering simply for amusement, and under +the circumstances he would give me a professional sitting gratuitously. + +It has always been a cherished ambition with me to have my head surveyed +and staked out scientifically; SO I told him at once he might take it +and look it over. + +"My friend," said I, as I gracefully described an imaginary aureole +about my brain factory, "you abolish the poll-tax. I grant you full +leave to explore." + +This was the first time I ever had my head examined. The whole of me, it +is true, was once examined before a Trial Justice; but as that was years +ago, and it was "the other boy" that was to blame, I refrain from +incorporating the details into the history of our country. + +It occurred to me that old Scissors couldn't have been much of a +scholar; at all events he breathed very hard for an educated man, and he +had a rough, muscular way of moving his fingers about my upper story, +that made those regions ache every time he touched them. You may fancy +my feelings. I certainly didn't fancy _his_. + +For the benefit of those who come after us, (I don't refer to Sheriffs +and Constables, so much as I do to posterity,) I append a few results of +the gentleman's vigorous researches. + + * * * + +"There's a great deal of surface here; in fact, everybody that is +acquainted with this head must be struck at once with its superficial +contents." + +"Thickness--obvious. Great breadth between the ears, indicating +longevity. You will never die of teething, or cholera infantum; nor is +it likely you will ever become a murderess. + +"Forehead, large and imposing; that is, it might impose on people who +don't know you. + +"Your intellect may be pronounced massive, dropsical, in fact. You have +brilliant talents, but your bump of cash payments is remarkably small. + +"Locality, 20 to 30. You are always somewhere, or just going there. +Eventuality, 18 carat fine; absorption, 99 per cent. This means you will +eventually absorb a good deal of borrowed money. + +"I find here acquisitiveness and secretiveness enough to stock an entire +Board of Aldermen and a Congressional Committee." + +"Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a colossal +scale. Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you would be +in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country. + +"If I owned that sanguine temperament of yours, I should proceed at once +to marry into President GRANT'S family, and take some foreign mission. + +"You're a good feeder. Alimentiveness and order well developed. No man +better fitted to order a waiter around. From the immature condition of +your organ of benevolence, I shouldn't care, however, to be the waiter. + +"Self esteem doesn't seem to have been kept back by the drought. + +"Ideality, I discover from the depression in the S. W. corner, is +missing. Nature beautifully compensates this loss by making language +very full--more words than ideas. In profane language, I dare say, now, +you are particularly gifted. + +"In one respect your head resembles that of the Father of His Country. +It lacks adhesiveness. So does GEORGE'S--on the postage stamps. + +"Unlike most subjects, your organ of firmness is not confined to any one +spot, but is spread over the entire skull. This phenomenon is due to +your being what we technically call 'mule-headed'--a fine specimen +which--" + +"Excuse me," said I, unwilling any longer to impose on his good nature, +"I feel I must make sure of that other train, so I will just trouble you +for that organ of firmness and the rest of them. I never travel without +them." Then, hurrying all my phrenology into my hat, I started down the +street. + +I wonder he didn't say something about my memory's being below +par--somehow I quite forgot to pay him for shaving me. + +Yours, without recourse, + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY "HARD CIDER." + +THE PIPPINS OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY, (MESSRS. MORRISSEY, O'BRIEN, AND +FOX,) GETTING THEIR LAST SQUEEZE FROM GOVERNOR HOFFMAN.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM. + +He Strays among Sharpers, and "Sees the Elephant." + +There's many things in the big city which pleases me, and causes us +_all_ to feel hily tickled over our success as a Republic. + +At the present writin', many furrin' nations would give all their old +butes and shoes if, like us, they could throw their roolers overboard +every 4 years, and have a new deel. + +Our institutions are, many of 'em, sound: altho' I've diskivered to my +sorrer, that some of the inhabitants of New York are about as +puselanermus a set of dead-beats which ever stood up. + +While sojernin' here, my distinguished looks kicked up quite a sensation +wherever I put in an appearance. On one occasion, a man stepped up to me +who thought I was a banker, and richer than Creosote, and wanted me to +change a $100 bill. I diden't do it. Not much. No, sir-ee!--they +coulden't fool the old man on that ancient dodge. + +But, friend PUNCHINELLO, to my disgust and shagrin', I must acknolidge +the corn, and say, I hain't quite so soon as I allers give myself credit +for bein', as the sekel of this letter will show. + +Last Saturday P.M. I was a sailin' down Dye Street with my bloo cotton +umbreller under my arm, feelin' all so fine and so gay. + +When near the corner of West Street I turned around just in time to see +a ragged boy pick up a pocket-book. + +As the afoursaid boy started to run off, a well dressed lookin' man +ketched him by the cote coller. + +"What in thunder are you about?" says the boy. + +"That pocket-book belongs to this old gentleman," said the man, pintin' +to me. "I saw him drop it." + +"No it don't, nether," said the boy, tryin' to break away, "and I want +yer to let go my cote coller." + +The infatuated youth then tried his level best to jerk away, while his +capturer yanked and cuffed him, ontil the boy sot up a cryin'. + +I notissed as the youth turned around that he partly opened the wallet, +which was chock full of greenbax. + +A thought suddenly struck me. That 'ere boy looked as if he was depraved +enuff to steel the shoe-strings off'n the end of a Chinaman's cue, so +the Monongohalian's hair woulden't stay braided. + +Thinks I, if the young raskel should keep that pocket-book, like as not +he mite buy a fashinable soot of close and enter on a new career of +crime, and finally fetch up as a ward polertician. + +I must confess, that as I beheld that wallet full of bills, my mouth did +water rather freely, and I made up my mind, if wuss come to wusser, I +would not allow too much _temptashun_ to get in that boy's way. The man +turned to me and says: + +"Stranger, this is your pocket-book, for I'le swear I saw you drop it." + +What could a poor helpless old man like me do in euch a case, Mister +PUNCHINELLO? That man was willin' to sware that I dropped it, and I +larnt enuff about law, when I was Gustise of the Peece, to know I +coulden't swear I diden't drop it, and any court would decide agin me; +at the same time my hands itched to get holt of the well filled wallet. + +I trembled all over for fear a policeman, who was standin' on the +opposite corner, mite come over and stick in his lip. + +But no! like the wooden injuns before cigar stores, armed with a +tommyhawk and scalpin' knife, these city petroleums, bein' rather +slippery chaps, hain't half so savage as they look. + +When the boy heerd the man say I owned the pocket-book he caved in, and +began to blubber. Said he, whimperin': + +"Well--I--want--a--re--ward--for--findin' the--pocket-bo--hoo--ok." + +The well dressed individual, still holdin' onto the boy, then said to +me: + +"My friend, I'me a merchant, doin' bizziness on Broadway, at 4-11-44. +You've had a narrer escape from losin' your pocket-book. Give this rash +youth $50, to encourage him in bein' honest in the futer, and a glorious +reward awaits you. Look at me, sir!" said he, vehemently; "the turnin' +pint of my life was similar to this depraved youth's; but, sir! a reward +from a good lookin', beneverlent old gent like you, made a man of me, +and to-day I'me President of a Society for the _Penny-Ante_ corruption +of good morrils,' and there hain't a judge in the city who wouldn't give +me a home for the pleasure of my company." + +Such a man, I knew, woulden't lie about seein' me drop that pocket-book. +I took another look at the Guardian (?) of the public peace, morrils, +etc., who, when he was on his _Beat_, haden't the least objection to +anybody else bein' on _their beat_. He wasen't lookin' our way, but was +star-gazin', seein' if the sines was rite for him to go and take another +drink. + +"You are sure you saw me drop this wallet?" said I, addressin' the +President of the Penny-antee Society. + +"I'le take my affidavy on it," said he. + +I pulled out $50 and handed it to the boy, who handed me the pocket-book. + +"Mrs. GREEN! Mrs. GREEN!" soliloquised I, as I walked away, feelin' as +rich as if I held a good fat goverment offis, "if you could only see +your old man now, methinks you'd feel sorry that you hid all of his +close one mornin' last spring, so he coulden't go and attend a barn +raisin'. Yes, madam, your talented husband has struck ile." + +I stepped in a stairway to count my little fortin. I was very much +agitated. The wallet was soon opened; when-- + +"Ye ministers fallen from grace, defend us!" was the first exclamation +which bust 4th from my lips; for I hope to be flambusticated if I hadn't +gone and paid $50 for a lot of brown paper, rapt up into patent medesin +advertisements, printed like greenbax. + +For a few minnits I was crazier than a loon. + +I rusht madly into the street, runnin' into an old apple woman, nockin' +her "gally west." + +I quickly jumped to my feet and begun hollerin': + +"Murder! Thieves! Robbers!" + +The Policemen scattered, while a crowd of ragged urchins colected about +me. "My youthful vagabones," roared I, as loud as I could scream, "bring +along your stuffed wallets. The market price of brown paper is $50 an +ounce on call.--If you are lookin' for a greenhorn, I'me your man." + +I then broke my umbreller over a lamp-post, and button-hold a passer by, +offerin him a $100 if he'd send me to a loonatic asilum. + +Seein' a sine on the opposite corner which read: "Weigher's Office," I +rusht wildly in, and said to a man: + +"Captin, I've been _litened_. If you've got such a thing as a pair of +apothecary's scales about your premises, dump me on and give me the +figgers." + +I then tried to jump through a winder, but the man caught me by the cote +tails, and haulin' me back, sot me down into a cheer. + +I soon got cooled down, when I told the man how I'de been swindled, and +asked him what I had better do. + +"Do?" said he, laffin' as if heed bust. "My advice is, for you to take +the next train for your home, and then charge your loss to the acc't of +seein' the elefant." + +It hain't often I git took in, but that time I was swallered, +specturcals, white hat and all, as slick as if I'de been buttered all +over. + +I don't intend to let Mrs. GREEN know anything about this little +adventoor, but just as like as not, some day when I hain't thinking she +will worm it out of me, when Mariar will no doubt say: + +"Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that's what you git for stoppin' +takin' the weekly noosepapers, because they won't print the darned +nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and asleep." + +Ewers, lite as a fether, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + + * * * * * + + +A Serious Complication. + +The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in a +magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the +story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." Vernacularly, +this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it puzzles one to think +why the acquisition of wealth should subject the holder of it to the +liability of being kicked. + + * * * * * + +Enough Said. + +"Modern physiologists," said the Doctor, "have arrived at the conclusion +that man begins as a cell." + +"And what about woman?" returned the Scalper, "doesn't she begin as a +sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?" + +"She does," replied the doctor. + + * * * * * + +A Relative Question. + +Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun come +within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly +connected? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.] + + * * * * * + +A CRABBED HISTORY. + +Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs. A dainty succulent soft +shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the eye of the +epicure and makes his mouth water. Even a hard shell is not to be +despised when no other is attainable. We eat them with great gusto, +thinking they are "so nice," without considering for a moment that they +have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended for any other +purpose than the gratification of our palate. But that is a mistake +which I will try to rectify in order that the _bon vivant_ may enjoy +hereafter the pleasures of a mental and bodily feast conjointly. + +Most crabs are hatched from eggs, and begin life in a very small way. +They float round in the water, at first, without really knowing what +they are about. They have but little sense to start with, but after a +while improve and begin to strike out in a blind instinctive way, which, +after a few efforts, resolves itself into real genuine swimming. They +commence walking about the same time. Awkward straggling steps, to be +sure, but they get over the ground, and that is the most they care for. + +When they are about a month old they begin to feel that life has its +realities, and that they must do something towards the end for which +they were made. The thought is faint at first, but by degrees grows +weightier, till at last they can stand it no longer, and, making a great +effort to throw off the incubus of babyhood that weighs so heavily upon +them, they burst open the back door of their shell and slowly creep out +backwards. It takes about five minutes for them to get entirely out, +head, legs and all, and then for a moment or two they gaze in +stupefaction at their old shell, amazed to find that they have, by their +own efforts, unaided and alone, accomplished such a wonderful change. + +The thought is overwhelming. It fills them with pride; rejoicingly they +exult, and swell with gratification. This state of self-gratulation +lasts about twenty minutes, at the end of which time they have increased +their bulk to nearly double its former size, and they remain so. + +They can't get back into the old shell now, for it won't fit them, and +as there is no other for them to go into, the only thing left for them +to do is to build another house. + +It takes three or four days before they get fairly to work, and during +this time they are called soft-shell crabs. This stage is particularly +dangerous to the delicate creatures, for they, in their tender beauty, +are so attractive to hungry fishes that it is really a wonder any +escape. Tender, helpless, innocent and beautiful, they are almost sure +to be victimized and gormandized. + +Some, however, escape the fate intended for them, and in a few days +begin to enjoy life in a crabbed sort of a way. Another month passes on. +They become restless and uneasy, and feel that it won't do to stay too +long in one place. They think they had better make another change, and +so this time, in a more self-confident manner, they pack up and move out +at the back door again. They are no more provident now, however, than +they were at first, for, after having given up the old house, they have +no new one to move into. They are not troubled as we are with +house-hunting; they are good builders, and can make one to suit +themselves. A wise provision of nature, for these interesting creatures +are really obliged monthly to go out doors to grow. + +This state is to them doubly dangerous. Mankind they always have to +fear, but now they are tempting to their own race. A wicked old crab +goes out for a stroll. The walk gives him an appetite; he looks around +for something to eat and spies a younger brother just moving. +Treacherously be plants himself behind a stone or shell, and watches the +process, chuckling in his inmost stomach over the dainty meal in +prospect. The youthful one has just got clear of his old home and its +restraints, and is delighting in his freedom, when up walks the vampire, +strikes him a blow on his defenceless head, knocks the life out of him, +and then sits down to a dinner of soft-shell crab. He is an old +sportsman, and enjoys exceedingly the meal gained by his own prowess. + +Dinner over, he wipes his claws on the muddy table-cloth and walks out +for his digestion. Off in the distance he spies a young gentleman crab +making love to a beautiful female. He looks at her with a discriminating +eye. Sees she is fair to look upon, and thinks he would like to be +acquainted. He makes several sideway moves in the direction, ungraceful, +but satisfactory to himself, and as he advances his admiration +increases, his courage improves; he feels almost heroic. The observant +lover with staring eyes perceives the advancing strides of another +gentleman crab, and instantly, seized with jealous fears, clasps his +_inamorata_ to his shelly breast with his numerous little legs, holds +her tightly so that she can't fall, and walks off on his hands. + +The old cannibal observes the change of base, feels insulted at the +implied distrust, and resolves to have satisfaction. Increasing his +efforts, he soon overtakes the runaway lovers, challenges his rival by +giving him a dig with his claw, and tells him to "come out and show +himself a crab." Of course no crab of spirit is going to receive an +insult before his beloved and not resent it; with one painful quiver of +his little legs, he sets the lady crab down, and then the two amorous +lovers proceed to deadly combat. Love strengthens the young crab's +heart. Justice nerves his arm; and soon a lucky blow from the sharp claw +pierces in a vital part the hardened sinner, who, with a gulp, gives up +the contest and his life at once. + +An exultant shout bubbles up in the water, and then the heroic defender +of crabbed maidenhood leads his beloved to view the remains of this +ravager of hard-shell rights. + +They rejoice over the fallen adversary a while, and then, to make their +happiness more complete, and to prosper his wooing, the victor invites +his love to dine on the tender part of the victim. + +The invitation is gladly accepted, and they enjoy a delicious meal, +rendered doubly tasteful from the fact that they are feasting on an +enemy. + +The facts deduced from the above history prove that crabs have tastes +and feelings just as mankind have. They are gallant to their females; +never engage in combat with the weaker sex; fight and kill each other +when angry; love good eating, and are cannibalistic--which last habit +they may have learned from their ancestors of the Feejee Islands. + + * * * * * + +BAITED BREATH.--That of the boy who had "wums fur bait" in his mouth. + + * * * * * + +OCTOBER JOTTINGS. + +Attracted by the dulcet strains of a brass band, a day or two since, +PUNCHINELLO ascended to the summit of the N.E. tower of his residence, +looking from which he beheld a target company all with crimson shirts +ablaze marching up the Bowery. Then, glancing over towards Long Island, +he observed that Nature was already assuming her russet robes, which +circumstance, combined with that of the target company, reminded him +that the shooting season had just commenced. A few hints to young +sportsmen, then, from so old a one as PUNCHINELLO, will not, be hopes, +be taken amiss--not even though, in shooting phrase, a miss is generally +as good as a mile. + +Before taking the field, look well to your shooting-irons. +Fowling-pieces are far more apt to Get Foul while they are lying away +during the off season, than when they are taken out for a day's sport by +the fowlers. + +On releasing your gun from its summer prison, always examine it +carefully, to ascertain whether it is loaded. This you can do by looking +down into the barrel and touching the trigger with your toe. If your +head is blown off, then you may be sure that the gun was loaded. +Otherwise not. + +Should your gun be a breech-loader, always load it at the muzzle. This +will show that you know better than the man who made it, or, at least, +that he is no better than you. + +If you are a novice in gunnery it will be safest for you to put the shot +in before the powder. By doing this you will not only provide against +possible accidents, but will secure for yourself the reputation of being +a very safe man to go out shooting with. + +When you go out with your gun, always dress in a shootable costume. For +instance, if you want to bag lots of Dead Rabbits, TWEED will be the +best stuff you can wear--especially about November 8th, on which day you +will be certain to find Some Quail about the polling places. (N.B. They +are beginning to quail already.) + +The best time to acquire the art of shooting flying is fly time. Always +carry a whiskey flask about you, so that you can practice at Swallows. + +When you hear the drum of the ruffed grouse, steal silently through the +thicket and let drive in the direction of the sound. Should you bring +down a target company instead of a ruffed grouse, so much the better. It +will only be bagging ruffs of another kind, and by silencing their drums +you will have conferred an obligation upon humanity. + +There is much diversity of opinion regarding the best kind of dog for +fowling purposes. It all depends upon what work you want your dog to do +for you. If you want to have birds pointed, a pointer is best for your +purpose. If set, a setter. But if you want a dog that will go in and +kill without either pointing or setting, be sure that the Iron Dog is +the dog for your money. You can procure one of Staunch Blood by +application at Police Head-Quarters. + +Before going out for a day's sport, resolve yourself into a committee of +one for the preservation of choice ornithological specimens. By this we +do not mean that you are to set up in business as a taxidermist, but +that you are bound--if a true sportsman--to protect the song birds, and +the birds that are useful in destroying noxious vermin, and all the +beautiful feathered creatures that ornament our woods, and fields, and +parks, from the depredations of the ignorant, loutish, pestilent, +pernicious pot-hunter. The Sportsmen's Clubs that have been organized +throughout the country should be supported by every true sportsman; and +if you lay a thick stick vigorously across the back of the first fool +you see about to kill Cock Robin, you will have established a very +efficacious Sportsman's Club of your own, and will have earned the best +regards of Mr. PUNCHINELLO to boot--by which he means, if you choose, +that you have his leave and license to boot the fellow into the bargain. + + * * * * * + +MORE ABOUT CHIGNONS. + +The chignon is coming to the front again. By this we do not mean that it +is worn, or likely to be worn before--in saying which the word "before" +is not used by us in its acceptation of previously, but in that of +front; although, now that we come to think of it, the _chignon_ +certainly has been worn before, as may be seen by consulting +old-fashioned prints, in which it is shown worn behind. This, to the +ordinary mind, may seem rather confused; and so it is; but what else +could you expect from a writer when he has got _chignon_ upon the brain? + +For newspapers the _chignon_ is just now a teeming subject. Every day or +so somebody writes to a paper, saying that be has discovered a new kind +of parasite, hatched by the genial warmth of woman's nape from some +deleterious padding or other used in the manufacture of her _chignon_. +Sometimes it is vegetable stuff, sometimes animal, but it always teems +with pedicular creatures akin to that low and vulgar kind not usually +recognized in polite society. All these horrors come and and don't make +much difference in the _chignon_ market; but PUNCHINELLO has a new one +that is calculated to create a sensation--about the nape of the female +neck--and here it is. + +In the beech forests of Hungary, as is well known to Danubian explorers, +there exists a very remarkable breed of pigs, one of their peculiarities +being that they are covered with wool instead of with bristles. These +pigs are shorn regularly every year, like sheep. Their wool, which is +very stiff and curly, is used for stuffing cushions and mattresses of +the cheap and nasty kind. Since _chignons_ have come into fashion, a +vast amount of pig's wool has been imported for their manufacture. By +microscopic investigation the wool of the Hungary pig has been found +swarming with _trichinae_; to a fearful extent. Now, it is easy to +imagine that the _trichinae_ obtained from a hungry pig must be of a +very insatiable and ravenous disposition, and this is but too often +realized by the silly wearers of the porcine _chignons_, into whose +brains, (when they happen to have any,) the horrible little parasites +worm their way in myriads, rendering their hapless victims pig-headed to +an extent that defies description either with pen or pencil. + +The Pig-faced Woman exhibited some time ago in Europe was once a very +pretty girl, her hideous deformity being the result of wearing a +_chignon_ stuffed with Hungary pigs' wool. + +In purchasing a pig _chignon_, then, the Girl of the Period had better +look out that she does not get "too much pork for a shilling." + + * * * * * + +MATCHING THE MATCHLESS. + +Matchmaking has always been traditionally supposed to be the chief end +of woman. No wonder that, with the spread of the new theories of woman's +rights, therefore, we find them invading departments of industry which +were formerly supposed to be peculiarly the domain of the stronger sex. +We have recently seen running matches, swimming matches, rowing matches, +and other fancy matches, made by women. And why not? The women are wise +in thus preparing themselves for proficiency in the arts of primary +elections, ballot stuffing and the rest, incidental to untrammelled +suffrage. + +In regard to this, also, it may not be amiss to suggest that this +passion for match-making lies at the bottom of the recent increase in +divorce, which so alarms some timid moralists. Certain it is that easy +divorce enlarges the opportunities for its gratification, and to be +"fancy" and "free" is no longer a charm peculiar only to "maiden +meditation." + + * * * * * + +HISTORY FACTORY. + +Card to the Public. + +The undersigned, having recently increased their facilities for the +manufacture of History upon an unusually large scale, would hereby +announce to their patrons and the public in general that they have +associated with them Messrs. VICTOR EMANUEL and General TROCHU. + +LOUIS NAPOLEON, + +M. BISMARCK, + +WM. O'PRUSSIA, + + * * * * * + +Commercial. + +A proof of the present great depression in the Whaling business is the +fact that the editor of the _Sun_ still walks about unflogged. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HORSE-CAR AMENITIES. + +_Conductor_. "Wanted to get off, did you?--Then why in thunder didn't +you say so?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CHOICE OF PARIS (IN AMERICA.) + + One drink, dear friend, before we part-- + Before I tempt the shining sea; + One drink to pledge each constant heart-- + Yet stay, what shall the tipple be? + + My eyes are dazed with bar-room "signs" + In which, I pray, shall friendship conquer? + Can alien I drink "native" wines? + Are Jew-lips Christian tipple, _mon coeur_? + + This "cobbler"--is't a heeling drink? + A "smash" were surely inauspicious; + _Toute de-suite_, two "sours"--yet I think + Ah! _qu'est-ce-qui c'est!_--acetate is vicious! + + _Garçon!_ two "skins"--the name is 'cute--- + You Yankees "twig" the pharmaceutical; + But hold! art sure the flay-vor'll suit? + Will it not smack too much of cuticle? + + No, boy, no "skins." Let's try some beer, + A milder fluid for to-day; + Ottawa bring us--_c'est à dire_, + Some beer that keeps the 'ot away. + + No? Well, some ale: in limpid Bass + We'll drown our thirst and parting grief; + Come drink--_arretez!_ this _must_ pass-- + 'Twould look too much like bas-relief! + + The hour arrives; our lips are dry; + What _shall_ it be? Oh, name it for me! + A _tasse_ of gin? I drink and fly + To toss upon the ocean stormy. + + * * * * * + + +"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER." + +Freedom of action is one of the greatest boons enjoyed by mankind in +modern days. Its rate of progress is encouraging, especially since the +Liberal Club of this city has taken it under its protection. It is a +very significant association, is the Liberal Club; rather iconoclastic, +to be sure, but only a little ahead of the times, perhaps, in that +respect; Some of our cherished forms of speech have already been +rendered obsolete by the Liberal Club. It used to be such a clincher to +say, when one wanted to enforce a point by indicating an impossibility, +"I will eat my boots unless"--etc., etc. That clincher has gone to the +place whither good clinchers go, forever. At a late meeting of the +Liberal Club, Professor VAN DER WEYDE contributed to the evening +collation a pudding made of an old boot. The pudding was garnished with +the wooden pegs that had kept the boot together, sole and body, while it +walked the earth. The boot-jack with which the original source of the +pudding used to be pulled off was also exhibited, and excited great +interest. It is the intention, of the Professor to subject this +implement to some process by which it will be resolved into farina, or +sawdust, and then to make a Jack Pudding of it. Many of the ladies and +gentlemen present partook of the boot pudding, and pronounced it +excellent. One lady, (a member of Sorosis, we believe,) said that she +thought it tasted like a pear. The Professor assured her, however, that +he had used but one boot in making it, not a pair. Altogether, the +pudding was a success. Freedom of action had been vindicated, and the +absurd prejudice that had hitherto prevented men from utilizing their +old boots as food, except in extreme cases, was shattered with one blow. + + * * * * * + +PANOPLY FOR OUR POLICE. + +PUNCHINELLO felicitates the Municipal Police Force on the magnificent +new shields with which the manly breasts of its members are decorated. +Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO considers it sheer mockery to call that a +shield by which nothing is shielded. A buckle might as well be called a +buckler as the policeman's badge a shield. Already our noble skirmishers +of the side-walk are fully provided for the offensive, and, considering +the risks run by them from the roughs, the toughs and the gruffs, it is +high time that they were furnished with something in the defensive line. +Curb-chain undershirts have been suggested, but an objection to their +use is that links of them are apt to be carried into the interior +anatomy by pistol bullets, thus introducing a surplus of iron into the +blood,--an accession which is apt to steel the heart of the officer thus +experimented on, and so render him deaf to the cries of innocence in +distress. PUNCHINELLO suggests, then, that the policeman's shield should +_be_ a shield. Let it be made sufficiently large to cover the most +vulnerable portion of the person, as shown in the annexed design. If +made of gong-metal, so much the better, as the wearer could then ring +out signals upon it with his locust far more effectively than by the +present ridiculous mode of beating up rowdydow upon the flag-stones. +Although our gallant Municipal Blue is never backward in facing danger, +yet it might be judicious for him to wear a shield upon his back as well +as upon his front, because it is just possible that, in case of a row, +his large, heavy boots might be conveying him away in a direction +diametrically opposite to the spot at which the shooting was going on. + +[Illustration] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | GENTLEMENS' HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LADIES LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemens' | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 8th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED | + | | + | A Splendid Assortment of | + | | + | PARIS MADE DRESSES, | + | | + | From Worth E Pingnet and other Celebrated | + | Makers | + | | + | ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS, | + | OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE, | + | | + | Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not | + | superior, to any in this city. | + | | + | Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats | + | Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot's and other | + | Modletes of the highest Parisian standing. | + | | + | The Prices of the Above are Extremely | + | Attractive. | + | | + | BROADWAY | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains. | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | GRAY MIXED SUITS, | + | MADE OF BEST QUALITY FRINGED CHEVIOT | + | SUITINGS, $8 EACH. | + | | + | Scotch Plaid Fringed Suits, | + | VERY HANDSOME, ALSO $8 EACH. | + | | + | WATERPROOF SUITS, | + | WITH DEEP OVERSKITS, $10 EACH. | + | | + | A LARGE STOCK OF | + | POPLIN ALPACA SUITS, | + | CHOICE SHADES OF COLOR, | + | From $12 each upward. | + | | + | Heavy Rich | + | SILK AND POPLIN SUITS, | + | ELEGANTLY TRIMMED, FROM $60 EACH UPWARD | + | | + | ONE CASE PARIS-MADE SUITS, | + | One Case Handsome Millinery, | + | THREE CASES CHILDREN'S | + | Part, and London Made | + | | + | Dresses, Suits, Robes and Underwear, | + | One Case Pattern Velvet and Cloth. | + | Cloaks, Sacques and Richly Embroidered | + | Breakfast Jackets, | + | | + | AT VERY ATTRACTIVE PRICES. | + | | + | BROADWAY | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) . . $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) . . . 2.00 | + | " " three months, . . . . . . . . . . . 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 | + | | + | | + | "We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for. . . . . . $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | _Wild Roses._ 12-1/8 x 9. | + | | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/5 x 10-1/4--for. . . . . . . . . $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. | + | Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 | + | | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; | + | The Unconscious Sleeper; | + | The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4 | + | | + | Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | + | | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | + | | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and | + | | + | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | + | price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | + | | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | --for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AGGRAVATING. + +_Sidewalk Merchant_. "BUY A BUNDLE OF TOOTHPICKS, BOSS--ONLY THREE +CENTS." _Old Gent_. "TOOTHPICKS?--WHY, I'VE JUST BIN AND HAD MY LAST +TOOTH OUT!"] + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | AND | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | PRINTING, | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | STATIONERY, | + | Make all kinds of | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | Makes the Best and Cheapest | + | ENVELOPES | + | Ever offered to the Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + |States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have | + | INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the | + | most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, | + | with all Lines | + | By Rail or River | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, | + | ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | + | of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | | + | PRICE $2. 50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies,......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written Expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, | + | one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783 | + | | + | 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October +15, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10047 *** diff --git a/10047-h/10047-h.htm b/10047-h/10047-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f91426f --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/10047-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2068 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. II, No. 29.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10047 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><b><big><big>CONANT'S</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <b>Lettered & Stamped,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </b> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <b>83 Nassau Street.</b> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img src="images/33.jpg" alt=""><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 29.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="7" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">APPLICATIONS +FOR ADVERTISING IN</small><br> + <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">SHOULD +BE ADDRESSED TO</small><br> +JOHN NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p><b>No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y.</b></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b><big><big>FOLEY'S</big></big><br> + <big><big><big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></big></b><br> +THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.<br> + <b>256 BROADWAY.</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. 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BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big><br> +33 BROADWAY,<br> + <b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i><br> +REEVES E. 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NICKINSON</p> + <p>begs to announce to the friends of</p> + <p><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></p> + <p><small>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, +he has made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</small></p> + <p><b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</b></p> + <p><small>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</small></p> + <p><small>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OFFICE OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>83 Nassau Street.</p> + <p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="3"> + <p><small>A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK.</small><br> + <b>MATERNITY</b><br> +A POPULAR TREATISE<br> +For Young Wives and Mothers</p> + <p><b>BY T. S. VERDI, A. M., M. D., OF WASHINGTON, D. C.</b></p> + <p><small><small>Dr. VERDI is a well-known and successful +Homoeopathic Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large +experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own practice, +as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young Mothers, and an assistant +to the family physician. It deals skilfully, sensibly, and delicately +with the perplexities of early married life, as connected with the holy +duties of Maternity, giving information which women must have, either +in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as +this—evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a delicate and +sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but without offense to the +most fastidious taste, the style of this book must commend it to +careful perusal. It treats of the needs, dangers, and alleviations of +the time of travail; and gives extended detailed instructions for the +care and medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the +perils of early life.</small></small></p> + <p><small><small>As a Mother's Manual, it will hare a large sale, +and as a book of special and reliable information on very important +topics, it will be heartily welcomed.</small></small></p> + <p><small>Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, +extra English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25.</small></p> + <p><small><i>For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent +post-paid on receipt of the price by</i></small></p> + <p><b>J. B. FORD & CO., Publishers, 39 Park Row, New York.</b></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p><b>CHAPTER XXII.—(Continued.)</b></p> + <p>When Miss POTTS and Mr. SIMPSON rejoined Mr. DIBBLE, in the +office of the latter, across the street, it was decided that the +flighty young girl should be made less expensive to her friends by +temporary accommodation in an economical boarding-house, and that the +Gospeler, returning to Bumsteadville, should persuade Miss CAROWTHERS +to come and stay with her until the time for the reopening of the +Macassar Female College.</p> + <p>Subsequently, with his homeless ward upon his arm, the +benignant old lawyer underwent a series of scathing rebuffs from the +various high-strung descendants of better days at whose once luxurious +but now darkened homes he applied for the desired board. Time after +time was he reminded, by unspeakably majestic middle-aged ladies with +bass voices, that when a fine old family loses its former wealth by +those vicissitudes of fortune which bring out the noblest traits of +character and compel the letting-out of a few damp rooms, it is +significant of a weak understanding, or a depraved disrespect of the +dignity of adversity, to expect that such families shall lose money and +lower their hereditary high tone by waiting upon a parcel of young +girls. A few Single Gentlemen desiring all the comforts of a home would +not be considered insulting unless they objected to the butter, and a +couple of married Childless Gentlemen with their wives might be +pardoned for respectfully applying; but the idea of a parcel of young +girls! Wherever he went, the reproach of not being a few Single +Gentlemen, or a, couple of married Childless Gentlemen with their +wives, abashed Mr. DIBBLE into helpless retreat; while FLORA'S +increasing guilty consciousness of the implacable sentiment against her +as a parcel of young girls, culminated at last in tears. Finally, when +the miserable lawyer was beginning to think strongly of the House of +the Good Shepherd, or the Orphan Asylum, as a last resort, it suddenly +occurred to him that Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, a distant widowed aunt of his +clerk, Mr. BLADAMS, had been known to live upon boarders in Bleecker +Street; and thither he dragged hastily the despised object on his arm.</p> + <p>Being a widow without children, and relieved of nearly all the +weaknesses of her sex by the systematic refusal of the opposite sex to +give her any encouragement in them, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN was a relentless +advocate of Woman's Inalienable Rights, and only wished that Man could +just see himself in that contemptible light in which he was distinctly +visible to One who, sooner than be his Legal Slave, would never again +accompany him to the Altar.</p> + <p>"I tell you candidly, DIBBLE," said she, in answer to his +application, "that if you had applied to be taken yourself, I should +have said 'Never!' and at once called in the police. Since SKAMMERHORN +died delirious, I have always refused to have his sex in the house, and +I tell you, frankly, that I consider it hardly human. If this girl of +yours, however, and the elderly female whom, you say, she expects to +join her in a few days, will make themselves generally useful about the +house, and try to be companions to me, I can give them the very room +where SKAMMERHORN died."</p> + <p>Perceiving that FLORA turned pale, her guardian whispered to +her that she would not be alone in the room, at any rate; and then +respectfully asked whether the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN had ever been seen +around the house since his death?</p> + <p>"To be frank with you," answered the widow, "I did think that +I came upon him once in the closet, with his back to me, as often I'd +seen the weak creature in life going after a bottle on the top shelf. +But it was only his coat hanging there, with his boots standing below +and my muff hanging over to look like his head."</p> + <p>"You think, then," said Mr. DIBBLE, inquiringly, "that it is +such a room as two ladies could occupy, without awaking at midnight +with a strange sensation and thinking they felt a supernatural +presence?"</p> + <p>"Not if the bed was rightly searched beforehand, and all the +joints well peppered with magnetic powder," was the assuring answer.</p> + <p>"Could we see the room, madam?"</p> + <p>"If the shutters were open you could; as they're not;" +returned the widow, not offering to stir; "but ever since SKAMMERHORN, +starting up with a howl, said 'Here he comes again, red-hot!' and tried +to jump out of the window, I've never opened them for any single man, +and never shall. I couldn't bear it, DIBBLE, to see one of your sex in +that room again, and hope you will not insist."</p> + <p>Broken in spirit as he was by preceding humiliations, the old +lawyer had not the heart to contest the point, and it was agreed, that, +upon the arrival of Miss CAROWTHERS from Bumsteadville, she and FLORA +should accept the memorable room in question.</p> + <p>Upon their way back to the hotel, guardian and ward met Mr. +BENTHAM, who, from the moment of becoming a character in their Story, +had been possessed with that mysterious madness for open-air exercise +which afflicted every acquaintance of the late EDWIN DROOD, and now +saluted them in the broiling street and solemnly besought their company +for a long walk. "It has occurred to me," said the Comic Paper man, who +had resumed his black worsted gloves, "that Mr. DIBBLE and Miss POTTS +may be willing to aid me in walking-off some of the darker suicidal +inclinations incident to first-class Humorous Journalism in America. +Reading the 'proof' of an instalment of a comic serial now publishing +in my paper, I contracted such gloom, that a frantic rush into the +fresh air was my only hope of on escape from self-destruction. Let us +walk, if you please."</p> + <p>Led on, in the profoundest melancholy, by this chastened +character, Mr. DIBBLE and the Flowerpot were presently toiling hotly +through a succession of grievous side-streets, and forlorn short-cuts +to dismal ferries; the state of their conductor's spirits inclining him +to find a certain refreshingly solemn joy in the horrors of +pedestrianism imposed by obstructions of merchandise on side-walks, and +repeated climbings over skids extending from store doors to drays. +Inspired to an extraordinary flow of malignant animal spirits by the +complexities of travel incident to the odorous mazes of some hundred +odd kegs of salt mackerel and boxes of brown soap impressively stacked +before one very enterprising Commission house, Mr. BENTHAM lightened +the journey with anecdotes of self-made Commission men who had risen in +life by breaking human legs and city ordinances; and dwelt emotionally +upon the scenes in the city hospitals where ladies and gentlemen were +brought in, with nails from the hoops of sugar-hogsheads sticking into +their feet, or limbs dislocated from too-loftily piled firkins of +butter falling upon them. Through incredible hardships, and amongst +astounding complications of horse-cars, target companies, and barrels +of everything, Mr. BENTHAM also amused his friends with circuits of +several of the fine public markets of New York; explaining to them the +relations of the various miasmatic smells of those quaint edifices with +the various devastating diseases of the day, and expatiating quite +eloquently upon the political corruption involved in the renting of the +stalls, and the fine openings there were for Cholera and Yellow Fever +in the Fish and Vegetable departments. Then, as a last treat, he led +his panting companions through several lively up-hill blocks of +drug-mills and tobacco firms, to where they had a distant view of a +tenement house next door to a kerosene factory, where, as he +vivaciously told them, in the event of a fire, at least one hundred +human beings would be slowly done to a turn. After which all three +returned from their walk, firmly convinced that an unctuous vein of +humor had been conscientiously worked, and abstractedly wishing +themselves dead.<a name="FNanchor1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a></p> + <p>The exhilarating effect of the genial Comic Paper man upon +FLORA did not, indeed, pass away, until she and Miss CAROWTHERS were in +their appointed quarters under the roof of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, whither +they went immediately upon the arrival of the elder spinster from +Bumsteadville.</p> + <p>"It could have been wished, my good woman," said Miss +CAROWTHERS, casting a rather disparaging look around the death-chamber +of the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN, "that you had assigned to educated single +young ladies, like ourselves, an apartment less suggestive of Man in +his wedded aspects. The spectacle of a pair of pegged boots sticking +out from under a bed, and a razor and a hone grouped on the +mantle-shelf, is not such as I should desire to encourage in the +dormitory of a pupil under my tuition."</p> + <p>"That's much to be deplored, I'm sure, CAROWTHERS," returned +Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, severely, "and sorry am I that I ever married, on +that particular account. I'd not have done it, if you'd only told me. +But, seeing that I married SKAMMERHORN, and then he died delirious, his +boots and razor must remain, just as he often wished to throw the +former at me in his ravings. Once married is enough, say I; and those +who never were, through having no proposals, must bear with those who +have, and take things as they come."</p> + <p>"There are those, I'd have you know, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, to whom +proposals have been no inducement," said Miss CAROWTHERS, sharply; "or, +if being made, and then withdrawn, have given our sex opportunities to +prove, in courts of law, that damages can still be got. I'm afraid of +no Man, my good woman, as a person named BLODGETT once learned from a +jury; but boots and razors are not what I would have familiar to the +mind of one who never had a husband to die in raging torments, nor yet +has sued for breach."</p> + <p>"Miss POTTS is but a chicken, I'll admit," retorted Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN; "but you're not such, CAROWTHERS, by many a good year. On +the contrary, quite a hen. Then, you being with her, if the boots and +razor make her think she sees that poor, weak SKAMMERHORN a-ranging +round the room, when in his grave it is his place to be, you've only +got to say: 'A fool you are, and always were,'—as often I, myself, +called at him in his lifetime,—and off he'll go into his tomb again for +fear of broomsticks."</p> + <p>"FLORA, my dear," said Miss CAROWTHERS, turning with dignity +to her pupil, "if I know anything of human nature, the man who has once +got away from here, will stay away. Only single ghosts have attachments +for the houses in which they once lived. So, never mind the boots and +razor, darling; which, after all, if seen by peddlers, or men who come +to fix the gas, might keep us safe from robbers."</p> + <p>"As safe as any man himself, young woman, with pistols under +his head that he would never dare to fire if robbers were no more than +cats rampaging," added Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, enthusiastically. "With +nothing but an old black hat of SKAMMERHORN'S, and walking-cane, kept +hanging in the hall, I haven't lost a spoon by tramps or census takers +for six mortal years. So, make yourselves at home, I beg you both, +while I go down and cook the liver for our dinner. You'll find it +tender as a chicken, after what you've broke your teeth upon in +boarding-schools; though SKAMMERHORN declared it made him bilious in +the second year, forgetting what he'd drank with sugar to his taste, +beforehand."</p> + <p>Thus was sweet FLORA POTTS introduced to her new home; where, +but for looking down from her windows at the fashions, making-up +hundreds of bows of ribbons for her neck, and making-over all her +dresses, her woman's mind must have been a blank. What time Miss +CAROWTHERS told her all day how she looked in this or that style of +wearing her hair, and read her to sleep each night with extracts from +the pages of cheery HANNAH MORE. As for the object nearest her young +heart, to say that she was wholly unruffled by it would be inaccurate; +but by address she kept it hidden from all eyes save her own.</p> + <p><a name="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor1">[1]</a> +Ordinary readers, while admiring the heavy humor of this unexpected +open-air episode, may wonder what on earth it has to do with the the +Story; but the cultivated few, understanding the ingenious mechanics of +novel-writing, will appreciate it as a most skilful and happy device to +cover the interval between the hiring of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN's room, and +the occupation thereof by FLORA and her late teacher—another instance +of what our profoundly critical American journals call +"artistic—elaboration." (See corresponding Chapter of the original +English Story.)</p> + <br> + <p><b>CHAPTER XXIII.</b></p> + <p>GOING HOME IN THE MORNING.</p> + <p>After having thrown all his Ritualistic friends at home into a +most unholy and exasperated condition of mind, by a steady series of +vague remarks as to the extreme likelihood of their united implication +in the possible deed of darkness by which he has lost a broadcloth +nephew and an alpaca umbrella, the mournful Mr. BUMSTEAD is once more +awaiting the dawn in that popular retreat in Mulberry Street where he +first contracted his taste for cloves. The Assistant-Assessor and the +Alderman of the Ward are again there, tilted back against the wall in +their chairs; their shares in the Congressional Nominating Convention +held in that room earlier in the night having left them too weary for +further locomotion. The decanters and tumblers hurled by the Nominating +Convention over the question of which Irishman could drink the most to +be nominated, are still scattered about the floor; here and there a +forgotten slungshot marks the places where rival delegations have +confidently presented their claims for recognition; and a few +bullet-holes in the wall above the bar enumerate the various pauses in +the great debate upon the perils of the public peace from Negro +Suffrage.</p> + <p>Reclining with great ease of attitude upon an uncushioned +settee, the Ritualistic organist is aroused from dreamy slumber by the +turning-over of the pipe in his mouth, and majestically motions for the +venerable woman of the house to come and brush the ashes from his +clothes.</p> + <p>"Wud yez have it filled again, honey?" asks the woman. "Sure, +wan pipe more would do ye no harrum."</p> + <p>"I'mtooshleepy," he says, dropping the pipe.</p> + <p>"An' are yez too shlapey, asthore, to talk a little bissiness +wid an ould woman?" she asks, insinuatingly. "Couldn't yez be afther +payin' me the bit av a schore I've got agin ye?"</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his eyes reproachfully, and wishes to know +how she can dare talk about money matters to an organist who, at almost +any moment, may be obliged to see a Chinaman hired in his place on +account of cheapness?</p> + <p>"Could the haythen crayture play, thin?" she asks, wonderingly.</p> + <p>"Thairvairimitative," he tells her;—"Cookwashiron' n' +eatbirdsnests."</p> + <p>"An' vote would they, honey?"</p> + <p>"Yesh—'f course—thairvairimitative, I tell y'," snarls he: +"do'tcheapzdirt."</p> + <p>"Is it vote chaper they would, the haythen naygurs, than +daycint, hardworkin' white min?" she asks, excitedly.</p> + <p>"Yesh. Chinesecheaplabor," he says, bitterly.</p> + <p>"Och, hone!" cries the woman, in anguish; "and f'hat's the +poor to do then, honey?"</p> + <p>"Gowest; go'nfarm!" sobs Mr. BUMSTEAD, shedding tears. "I'd go +m'self if a-hadn't lost dear-er-rerelative.—Nephew'n' umbrella."</p> + <p>"Saint PAYTHER! an' f'hat's that?"</p> + <p>"EDWINS!" cries the unhappy organist, starting to his feet +with a wild reel. "Th' pride of'suncle'sheart! I see 'm now, +in'sh'fectionatemanhood, with whalebone ribs, made 'f alpaca, +andyetsoyoung. 'Help me!' hiccries; 'PENDRAGON'sash'nate'n me!' +hiccries—and I go!"</p> + <p>While uttering this extraordinary burst of feeling, he has +advanced towards the door in a kind of demoniac can-can, and, at its +close, abruptly darts into the street and frantically makes off.</p> + <p>"The cross of the holy fathers!" ejaculates the woman, +momentarily bewildered by this sudden termination of the scene. Then a +new expression comes swiftly over her face, and she adds, in a +different tone, "Odether-nodether, but it's coonin' as a fox he is, and +it's off he's gone again widout payin' me the schore! Sure, but I'll +follow him, if it's to the wurruld's ind, and see f'hat he is and where +he is."</p> + <p>Thus it happens that she reaches Bumsteadville almost as soon +as the Ritualistic organist, and, following him to his boarding-house, +encounters Mr. TRACEY CLEWS upon the steps.</p> + <p>"Well, now!" calls that gentleman, as she looks inquiringly at +him, "who do you want?"</p> + <p>"Him as just passed in, your Honor."</p> + <p>"Mr. BUMSTEAD?"</p> + <p>"Ah. Where does he play the organ?"</p> + <p>"In St. Cow's Church, down yonder. Mass at seven o'clock, and +he'll be there in half an hour."</p> + <p>"It's there I'll be, thin," mumbles the woman; "and bad luck +to it that I didn't know before; whin I came to ax him for me schore, +and might have gone home widout a cint but for a good lad named EDDY +who gave me a sthamp.—The same EDDY, I'm thinkin', that I've heard him +mutter about in his shlape at my shebang in town, whin he came there on +political business."</p> + <p>After a start and a pause, Mr. CLEWS repeats his information +concerning the Ritualistic church, and then cautiously follows the +woman as she goes thither.</p> + <p>Unconscious of the remarkable female figure intently watching +him from under a corner of the gallery, and occasionally shaking a fist +at him, Mr. BUMSTEAD attends to the musical part of the service with as +much artistic accuracy as a hasty head-bath and a glass of soda-water +are capable of securing. The worshippers are too busy with risings, +kneelings, bowings, and miscellaneous devout gymnastics, to heed his +casual imperfections, and his headache makes him fiercely indifferent +to what any one else may think.</p> + <p>Coming out of the athletic edifice, Mr. CLEWS comes upon the +woman again, who seems excited.</p> + <p>"Well?" he says.</p> + <p>"Sure he saw me in time to shlip out of a back dure," she +returns, savagely; "but it's shtrait to his boording-house I'm going +afther him, the spalpeen."</p> + <p>Again Mr. TRACEY CLEWS follows her; but this time he allows +her to go up to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, while he turns into his own +apartment where his breakfast awaits him. "I can make a chalk mark for +the trail I've struck to-day," he says; and then thoughtfully attacks +the meal upon the table.<a name="FNanchor2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2"><sup>[2]</sup></a></p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <p><a name="Footnote_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor2">[2]</a> +At this point, the English original of this Adaptation—the "Mystery of +EDWIN DROOD"—breaks off forever.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/37.jpg" align="left" alt="N">ilsson has come; +and, sad to say, has brought dissension and discord with her. Not that +there is any discord in her matchless voice, but there is a vast amount +of wrangling as to her precise merits. Do you doubt this? Then come +with me in my light Fourth Avenue car, while the stars are bright and +the sky is blue, (this is an adaptation of a once popular love-song by +Dr. WATTS,) and we will go to Steinway Hall to hear the Improved +Swedish Nightingale, and feast our eyes on STRAKOSCH'S flowers.</p> + <p>We pass up the steep staircase—with many misgivings as to our +ankles, if we belong to the sex which considers the possession of those +anatomical features a fact to be carefully concealed, provided they are +not symmetrical. We pass the door-keeper, who, as is the custom of his +kind, frowns malignantly at us, and evidently asks himself—"How much +longer can I refrain from tearing up the tickets of these impudent +pleasure-seekers, and throwing the pieces in their infamously contented +countenances?" We gain the hall, and are sent to the inevitable "other +aisle," by the usher, (by the way, why is it that one always gets into +the wrong aisle, only to be ignominiously ordered to the opposite side +of the house?) and we finally turn various illegal occupants out of our +seats, and begin to fan ourselves in fervid anticipation of the coming +musical treat. A buzz of conversation is everywhere going on. Did any +one ever notice the curious fact that a middle-aged man and woman can +converse at a theatre or concert room without either one finding any +difficulty in hearing what the other says, while no young man can make +his accompanying young lady hear a single word unless his mouth is in +close proximity to her ear? This singular state of things is doubtless +due to the peculiar acoustical properties of public buildings. We +manage, however, to hear a good deal of both young and middle-aged +conversation, of the following improving type.</p> + <p>RURAL PERSON. "I've heard most everybody that's sung in our +Philadelphy opera house, and some of 'em are pretty hard to beat. +NILSSON may beat 'em, you know. Mind, now, I don't say she won't, but +she's got a mighty hard row to hoe."</p> + <p>CRITIC. <i>(Who sent for seats for his eight sisters and +their friends—but who did not get them.)</i> "There comes the +Scandinavian Society—fifty Irishmen at fifty cents a head. Did you see +the flowers piled up in the lobby? MAX paid seven hundred dollars for +the lot."</p> + <p>YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! I wish you wouldn't look at that fellow +across the way. You know how your own darling loves you, and—"</p> + <p>YOUNG LADY. "Hush! Don't bother. Here comes VIEUXTEMPS."</p> + <p>VIEUXTEMPS plays, and the audience listens with the air of +people who are dreadfully bored, but are afraid to show it. He +disappears with an amount of applause carefully graduated so as to +express enthusiasm without the desire for hearing him again. The Rural +Person remarks that "he doesn't think much of fiddlers anyhow. Give him +a trombone, or a banjo, for his money."</p> + <p>MR. WEHLI then trifles with the piano. Him, too, the audience +politely endure, but plainly do not appreciate. They have come to hear +NILSSON, and feel outraged at having to hear anybody else. A cornet +solo by the Angel GABRIEL himself would be secretly regarded as +undoubtedly artistic, but certainly a little out of place.</p> + <p>CHORUS OF RIVAL PIANO-MAKERS. "What a wretched instrument that +poor fellow is made to play upon. Nobody can produce any effect on a +STEINWAY piano. It's good for nothing but for boarding-school practice."</p> + <p>CRITIC, (who knows Mr. STEINWAY.) "Anybody can please people +by playing on a STEINWAY. I defy WEHLI or any other man to play badly +on such a superb instrument as that."</p> + <p>YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! Do you remember the day when you gave me +one of your hair-pins? I have worn it next my—"</p> + <p>YOUNG LADY. "Oh, don't bother. NILSSON is just going to sing."</p> + <p>And she does sing, with that voice so matchless in its perfect +purity, that even the disappointed critic grows uneasy as he tries in +vain to find some reasonable fault with it. She ceases, and amid wild +cheers from the paying part of the audience, silent approval from the +deadheads, and shouts of "Hooroo!" and "Begorra!" from the Scandinavian +Society, MAX'S flowers are brought in solemn procession up the aisle, +and laid at the feet of the Improved Nightingale.</p> + <p>CRITIC. "Those flowers will just be taken out of the back +door, and brought in again to be used the second time. There's a +hand-cart waiting for them now, at the Fifteenth Street entrance."</p> + <p>SIX PRIME DONNE, <i>(who were not asked to sing at the +NILSSON concerts.)</i> "Well, did you ever hear 'Angels Ever Bright' +sung in a more atrocious style? If that is NILSSON's idea of +expression, the sooner she leaves the stage to artists, the better."</p> + <p>CYNICAL OLD MUSICIAN. "Bah! NILSSON infuses religious +sentiment into her singing, and these envious creatures don't know what +religious sentiment is, so they think she is all wrong. If she had sung +HANDEL with a smile, and a coquettish tossing of her head, they would +still have hated her, but they would not have ventured to call her +"inartistic.""</p> + <p>YOUNG MAN. "Darling! I had rather hear your sweet voice, than +listen to NILSSON or a choir of angels for the rest of my—"</p> + <p>YOUNG LADY. "CHARLES, you will drive me wild, with your +intolerable spooniness. I'll never come out with you again. See how the +SMITH girls are looking at you."</p> + <p>RURAL PERSON. "—So I says to the usher, 'If you think I'm a +countryman who don't know what's what, you're everlastingly sold.' 'I'm +from Philadelphy,' says I, 'and we've got singers there that can knock +spots out of your NILLOGGS and KELSONS and the rest of 'em.' So he +just—"</p> + <p>RIVAL MANAGER. "My tear fellow, you shust mind dis. MAX vill +lose all his monish. NILSSON can't sing, my tear! She vanted me to +encage her a year ago, but I vouldn't do it. Dere ish no monish in her, +now you mind vot I says."</p> + <p>DISTINGUISHED TEACHER. "You call her an artist! Why, look +here, if one of my scholars were to phrase as wretchedly as she does, +I'd never show my face in public again. Her voice is so-so, but her +school is simply infamous."</p> + <p>CELEBRATED TEACHER. "Well, I don't mind saying that I never +heard her equal in point of quality of voice. She gives you pure tone, +which is what hardly any other singer does."</p> + <p>NINE TENTHS OF THE AUDIENCE. "She is perfectly lovely. There +never was anybody like her."</p> + <p>CONNOISSEUR, <i>(who really does know something about music, +but who actually has no prejudices.)</i> "Her voice is such a one as +MARGARET must have had when she sang by her spinning-wheel, before fate +threw her in the way of FAUST. And these professional musicians will +tear her reputation to pieces among themselves! Why should musical +people be, of all others, most fond of discord?"</p> + <p>CRITIC. "There! those fools are determined to make her sing +again. I can't stand this. I'll see MAX once more, and if he don't do +the right thing, I'll say that NILSSON was played out in Europe before +she came here, and that she is a complete failure."</p> + <p>YOUNG MAN, "Sweetest! may I ask you one question?"</p> + <p>YOUNG LADY. "No, you shan't. Will you keep quiet? Everybody is +looking at you."</p> + <p>EVERYBODY. "Sh! sh! sh!"</p> + <p>NILSSON sings again. As her delicious notes die out in the +thunder of applause, I make my way out of the Hall, into the clear and +silent night. For not even the witchery of VIEUXTEMPS'S violin is fit +to mate in memory with the peerless tones of NILSSON.</p> + <p>Here I meant to do some fine writing, but as this is +PUNCHINELLO, and not the "Easy Chair" of Harper's Magazine, I conquer +the temptation. Wherefore I accept the gratitude of my readers, and +sign myself</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Congestion at "The Sun."</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO is pained to know that the circulation of his +bewitching contemporary, <i>The Sun</i>, is daily growing more and +more languid. Paralysis has set in, and the patient but seldom has the +energy to dictate the daily bulletin giving the state of his +circulation.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Only a Suggestion.</b></p> + <p>It will be bad enough for the Prussian Cavalrymen to water +their horses in the Seine, but if they go to driving their stakes in +the Bois de Boulogne, won't the Parisians think it looks a little like +running things into the ground?</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>OUR MASTERS OF ART.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: The knights of the pencil and easel, having +returned from their usual visits to their summer haunts, and having +exchanged the blue skies and grassy vales of Nature for the smoky +ceilings and dirty floors of Art, (I believe that is the proper way to +commence this kind of an article,) your correspondent has visited a +number of them, and has obtained authentic accounts of their present +occupations, and has also been permitted to make slight sketches of +some of their principal works.</p> + <p>BIERSTADT, as usual, is painting Yos. Having entirely +exhausted the Yo Semite, he is now at work on a grand picture of a +Southdown Ewe, and will soon commence a view of his studio,—at sunrise. +He well deserves his title of the Yeoman of Art.</p> + <p>JAMES HAMILTON, of Philadelphia, is painting a sunset. It may +not be generally known, but it is a fact, that he paints the sun every +time it sets. The following sketch will give a good idea of his next +great picture. The nails are inserted in the sun to keep it from going +down any further, and spoiling the scene.</p> + <center> <img src="images/38a.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <p>WILLIAM T. RICHARDS, of the same city, is hard at work on a +picture which is intended to represent, to the life, water in motion; a +specialty which he has lately adopted. It is entitled "A Scene on the +Barbary Coast; Water in Motion, Steamer in the Distance." The subjoined +sketch represents the general plan of the picture.</p> + <center> <img src="images/38b.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <p>Still another Philadelphia artist, Mr. ROTHERMEL, is very busy +at a great work. He is putting the finishing-touches to his vast +painting of the Battle of Gettysburg. On this enormous canvas may be +seen correct likenesses of all the principal generals, colonels, +captains, majors, first and second lieutenants, sergeant-majors, +sergeants, corporals and high privates who were engaged in that battle; +and by the consummate skill of the artist, each one of them, to the +great gratification of himself and his family, is placed prominently in +the foreground. Such distinguished success should meet appropriate +reward, and it is now rumored that the artist will soon be commissioned +by Congress to paint for the Rotunda of the Capitol a grand picture of +our late civil war, with all the incidents of that struggle, upon one +canvas.</p> + <p>Of the artists who affect the "shaded wood," we learn that Mr. +HENNESSY, now absent in Europe, is drawing another "Booth." Whether +this is intended particularly for "Every Saturday," I cannot say, but I +suppose it will answer for any other week-day. At any rate, here is his +last "Booth."</p> + <center> <img src="images/38c.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <p>NAST is at work on a series of sarcastic pictures illustrating +the miseries of France. Most of them show how LOUIS NAPOLEON ought to +finish up his career and dynasty. In fact, should this gifted artist +ever travel among Bonapartists, he will certainly be hunted down in an +astounding manner, and the populace, adopting American customs, will +probably congregate to see him astride a rail. Two of his smaller +studies are very interesting. One of them, called "An Astray," is +simply a ray of black light; and another, intended for the +contemplation of persons who desire light and airy pictures, is simply +a portrait of himself, entitled "A Nasturtium."</p> + <p>The well-known Miss EDMONIA LEWIS has been exhibiting her +statue of "HAGAR," in Chicago. As HAGAR was the first woman who +suffered anything like divorce, Chicago is a capital place for her +statue, and Miss LEWIS evidently knows what she is about. Her name +reminds me that our great landscapist, LEWIS, is at work on a picture +which he calls "A Scene in France after a Reign." This little sketch +will give an idea of the painting.</p> + <center> <img src="images/38d.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <p>Most of our other artists are also worthily engaged, but time, +(I believe that is the regular way to end an article of this kind) will +not permit present mention of them.</p> + <p>EFARES.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HAM AND EGGS.</p> + <p>War always brings with it its signs and portents. A hen +somewhere in Virginia, according to a local paper, has lately produced +an egg on the white of which the word "War" was plainly written in +black letters. Now, when we consider that the career of LOUIS NAPOLEON +was more or less influenced by Ham, there is something very significant +in the advent of this providential egg; nor should we be surprised to +learn, ere long, that the same hen had laid another egg, this time with +a Prussian yolk.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Eheu! Strasbourg.</b></p> + <p>Reading an old traveller's description of the famous Cathedral +of Strasbourg, we note that he dwells particularly on its "fretted +windows."</p> + <p>Ah! yes. They have much to fret about, now, have these old +windows; and that makes us think whether the <i>larmiers</i> of the +roof over them do not run real tears.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>"Lo" Cunning.</b></p> + <p>The cunning of the red Indian of the Plains.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT.</b></p> + <p>A gaunt, tall, spectacled creature, gender feminine, number +singular, person first, case always possessive, that's the standard +bearer; a broomstick from the top of which floats a petticoat, that's +the standard. Under that standard march in the U.S. at least 20,000,000 +feminines, and—horrible to relate—gal children are on the increase.</p> + <p>Certainly the devil must have invented petticoats. After EVE +had finished up that little apple job, she went into the petticoat +business, and—hence all our tears. Instantly petticoat government +became a possibility. Then, as her daughters became wiser, they +invented the weeping business, the swooning business, and the curtain +lecture business; they went for our pocket-books and they got them, and +petticoat government became a probability. Not satisfied with the +pocket-books, they are now going for the business by means of which we +fill the books, and oh, what a hankering they have for public pap! They +stick to the curtain lecture business, but now they do it before the +curtain. Alas, petticoat government is now a certainty!</p> + <p>It's all very well for you to talk about the grandeur of the +governments of BOADICEA, and ELIZABETH and CATHERINE, but I don't +believe that BOA, or LIZZY, or KATE would have been very nice as a +companion, if she and you were sitting before the fire, and she wanted +stamps and was going for them as a matter of business. Besides, there +was only one of them at a time, and they didn't trouble common people +much, but in this enlightened nineteenth century I have seen a poor, +miserable, six foot dry-goods clerk turned out of a retail store by a +strapping little female, who couldn't jump a counter worth shucks. I +have seen him in his misery industriously study "What I Know About +Farming," squat on a farm in the West, and bring himself, his wife, and +four miserable offshoots to the alms-house by endeavoring to apply the +rules set down in "What I Know About Farming" to 160 acres of land. I +have seen the poor, half-paid type-setters strike for their altars, +their sires, and more wages, and I have seen a troop of petticoats, +with gal children inside them, trot into the type-setter's place, so +that the miserable compositors were compelled to return and starve on +four or five dollars a day. That's petticoat government with a +vengeance. Putting your nose to the grindstone isn't nice at any time, +but it's awful when the gal children turn.</p> + <p>But that is only the beginning. They have struck for bigger +things. In the expressive language of the immortal JOHNNY MILTON, they +are going for the whole hog. They want to vote; some of them have been +caught repeating already; they want to sit on juries, and they want to +go to Congress. Heaven forbid that any of them should ever reach the +House of Representatives! Imagine the size of the <i>Congressional +Globe</i> if we should send women there! Why, there would be as great a +dearth of paper in Washington as there is now in Paris. They want to +shave you, dress you, doctor you into your coffins, preach a funeral +discourse over your remains, and then take your will into the +Surrogate's Court and fight over the little property they have left you.</p> + <p>They say all this means that they are our equals, and intend +to show it. Listen. In a town some hundreds of miles distant there is a +law firm whose sign reads thus:</p> + <center> MRS. SMITH <i>and husband</i>. </center> + <br> + <br> + <p>Shades of our forefathers! Ghost of BLUEBEARD! Spirit of HENRY +VIII! can this thing be? Imagine old LABAN'S daughter starting in +business, and hanging out a sign something like this:</p> + <center> MRS. JACOB <i>and husband,</i><br> + <i>Having large orders from the West</i>,<br> +SOLICIT CUSTOM.<br> +N.B.—Gentlemen attended to by Mr. JACOB.<br> + <i>The Original Mrs</i>. JACOB. </center> + <p>Don't you suppose that JACOB, if he had found that sign over +his doorstep, would have raised a row, and if he had been overcome, +don't you suppose he would have wondered what he served those seven +years for?</p> + <p>Oh, young man, sitting by the side of that dainty damsel, +looking so spoonily into her deep blue eyes, playing so daintily with +her golden curls, sucking honey so frequently from her ruby lips, +beware! <i>beware!</i> BEWARE! Remember, when she wants stamps, you +can't put her off as your pa did your ma. You can't say, "Business is +awful dull," because she'll do the business, and make you her +book-keeper or porter or something of that sort</p> + <p>Petticoat government is all very well for those who like it. +Some men go through life playing a sort of insane tag, in which, first +their mothers' petticoats, and then their wives', are hunk, and they +never leave hunk. As for me, give me trouser government, or give me a +first class funeral procession with me for the corpse.</p> + <p>Brethren, listen! Give me your ears! (the big ones first.) +This thing must be stopped <i>now</i>. Let us form an association for +the suppression of women, or a society for the prevention of cruelty to +men. There is but one way to cure this thing. Far out on the Western +prairies dwells the only sensible man on this continent. In the city +ruled by him a man may come home as tired as gin can make him, and his +wife opens not her mouth; he may jump over as many counters as he +pleases, and none of his wives will desire to go and do likewise. There +she is the weaker vessel, and it takes so many of her to equal one man, +that she is kept in a proper state of subjection. That's the secret; +marry her a good deal. The old maids are the ones who start the rows. +Let them all be married to some one man of a peaceable, loving, quiet +disposition—say WENDELL PHILLIPS. Let the President, if necessary, +issue his proclamation making the United States one vast Utah, and let +us all be Young.</p> + <p>LOT.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>RAMBLINGS.</b></p> + <p>BY MOSE SKINNER.</p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I should tell you that I particularly +excelled in writing verses you'd hardly believe me. But such is the +fact. I've sent poem after poem to all the first-class magazines in the +country, which, if they'd been published, would have enabled me to pay +my debts, and start new accounts from Maine to Georgia. But they've +never been published—and why? It's jealousy. A child with half an eye +can see that. Those boss poets who get the big salaries, probably see +my verses, and pay the publishers a big price not to print 'em.</p> + <p>How little the public know of the inside workings of these +things!</p> + <p>I'm disgusted with this trickery, and am going to shut right +down on the whole thing. Oh! they may howl, but not another line do +they get!</p> + <p>I'm going into the song business. That's something that isn't +overdone. I composed a perfect little gem lately. It is called "Lines +on the death of a child." I chose this subject because it is +comparatively new. A few have attempted it, but they betray a crudeness +and lack of pathos painful to witness.</p> + <p>Whether I have supplied that deficiency or not is for the +public, not me, to judge. But if the public, or any other man, be he +male or female, thinks that by ribaldry and derision I can be induced +to publish the whole of this work before it's copyrighted, they're +mistaken. The salt that's going on the tail of this particular fowl +ain't ripe yet.</p> + <p>It's going to be set to music and it'll probably hatch a song. +I called on a publisher last week about it.</p> + <p>"Don't you think," said I, "that it'll take 'em by storm?"</p> + <p>"Worse than that," he replied. "It's a reg'lar <i>line</i> +gale."</p> + <p>I knew he'd be enthusiastic about it.</p> + <p>He said he hadn't got any notes in, that would fit it just +then, but be expected a lot in the next steamer, and I could have my +choice. He was very polite, and I thanked him kindly.</p> + <p>Jealous as I am of my reputation, I am willing to stake it on +this poem. A man don't collect the obituary notices of one hundred +infants and boil 'em down over a slow fire without something to be +proud of, you know.</p> + <p>Here is a sample of it:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">LINES +ON THE DEATH OF A CHILD.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">"Tell me, dear mother,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hast the swallows homeward flode</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">When the clock strikes nine?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Does our WILLIE'S spirit roam</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3.75em;">In that home</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;">Beyond the skies,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">Along with LIZE?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Say, mother</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 5em;">Say—"</span> </div> + <p>The other verses are, if anything, better than this. If you +are anxious to publish this poem entire, why not leave out the pictures +and all the reading matter from PUNCHINELLO for two weeks, and show the +public what genius, brains, and ability can accomplish, unaided? If you +publish it in detachments, it weakens it, you see. If the verses can't +lean against each other, they pine away immediately.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <center> <img src="images/40.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE YOUNG DEMOC TRYING TO PUT THE BIG SACHEM'S PIPE OUT.</b></p> + <p><i>Big Sachem</i>. "SAY, YOUNG MAN, AIN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'LL +BURN YOUR BREECHES?"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SARSFIELD YOUNG HAS HIS HEAD +EXAMINED.</p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO:—The last time I visited a barber's shop I +wanted my hair trimmed. Being in somewhat of a hurry for the train, I +told the proprietor to cut it short. As a matter of course, I was left. +As for my hair, there was precious little of that left, though. Science +was too much for it. A hand-glass, brought to bear upon a mirror, +opened up a perspective of pretty much all the back country belonging +to my skull, that is seldom equalled outside the State Prison or the +Prize Ring.</p> + <p>I was indignant. I was so mad that my hair stood on +end—voluntarily. The barber talked soothingly of making a discount on +the bill; and I, looking at it in a strictly diplomatic light, +gradually permitted myself to grow calmer. He went further, and did the +handsome thing by me—as if it wasn't enough to cut under his price! A +phrenologist by profession, so he said, he had resorted to barbering +simply for amusement, and under the circumstances he would give me a +professional sitting gratuitously.</p> + <p>It has always been a cherished ambition with me to have my +head surveyed and staked out scientifically; SO I told him at once he +might take it and look it over.</p> + <p>"My friend," said I, as I gracefully described an imaginary +aureole about my brain factory, "you abolish the poll-tax. I grant you +full leave to explore."</p> + <p>This was the first time I ever had my head examined. The whole +of me, it is true, was once examined before a Trial Justice; but as +that was years ago, and it was "the other boy" that was to blame, I +refrain from incorporating the details into the history of our country.</p> + <p>It occurred to me that old Scissors couldn't have been much of +a scholar; at all events he breathed very hard for an educated man, and +he had a rough, muscular way of moving his fingers about my upper +story, that made those regions ache every time he touched them. You may +fancy my feelings. I certainly didn't fancy <i>his</i>.</p> + <p>For the benefit of those who come after us, (I don't refer to +Sheriffs and Constables, so much as I do to posterity,) I append a few +results of the gentleman's vigorous researches.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">* +* *</span><br> + <p>"There's a great deal of surface here; in fact, everybody that +is acquainted with this head must be struck at once with its +superficial contents."</p> + <p>"Thickness—obvious. Great breadth between the ears, indicating +longevity. You will never die of teething, or cholera infantum; nor is +it likely you will ever become a murderess.</p> + <p>"Forehead, large and imposing; that is, it might impose on +people who don't know you.</p> + <p>"Your intellect may be pronounced massive, dropsical, in fact. +You have brilliant talents, but your bump of cash payments is +remarkably small.</p> + <p>"Locality, 20 to 30. You are always somewhere, or just going +there. Eventuality, 18 carat fine; absorption, 99 per cent. This means +you will eventually absorb a good deal of borrowed money.</p> + <p>"I find here acquisitiveness and secretiveness enough to stock +an entire Board of Aldermen and a Congressional Committee."</p> + <p>"Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a +colossal scale. Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you +would be in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country.</p> + <p>"If I owned that sanguine temperament of yours, I should +proceed at once to marry into President GRANT'S family, and take some +foreign mission.</p> + <p>"You're a good feeder. Alimentiveness and order well +developed. No man better fitted to order a waiter around. From the +immature condition of your organ of benevolence, I shouldn't care, +however, to be the waiter.</p> + <p>"Self esteem doesn't seem to have been kept back by the +drought.</p> + <p>"Ideality, I discover from the depression in the S. W. corner, +is missing. Nature beautifully compensates this loss by making language +very full—more words than ideas. In profane language, I dare say, now, +you are particularly gifted.</p> + <p>"In one respect your head resembles that of the Father of His +Country. It lacks adhesiveness. So does GEORGE'S—on the postage stamps.</p> + <p>"Unlike most subjects, your organ of firmness is not confined +to any one spot, but is spread over the entire skull. This phenomenon +is due to your being what we technically call 'mule-headed'—a fine +specimen which—"</p> + <p>"Excuse me," said I, unwilling any longer to impose on his +good nature, "I feel I must make sure of that other train, so I will +just trouble you for that organ of firmness and the rest of them. I +never travel without them." Then, hurrying all my phrenology into my +hat, I started down the street.</p> + <p>I wonder he didn't say something about my memory's being below +par—somehow I quite forgot to pay him for shaving me.</p> + <p>Yours, without recourse,</p> + <p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <center> <img src="images/41.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>VERY "HARD CIDER."</b></p> + <p>THE PIPPINS OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY, (MESSRS. MORRISSEY, +O'BRIEN, AND FOX,) GETTING THEIR LAST SQUEEZE FROM GOVERNOR HOFFMAN.</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM.</b></p> + <p><b>He Strays among Sharpers, and "Sees the Elephant."</b></p> + <p>There's many things in the big city which pleases me, and +causes us <i>all</i> to feel hily tickled over our success as a +Republic.</p> + <p>At the present writin', many furrin' nations would give all +their old butes and shoes if, like us, they could throw their roolers +overboard every 4 years, and have a new deel.</p> + <p>Our institutions are, many of 'em, sound: altho' I've +diskivered to my sorrer, that some of the inhabitants of New York are +about as puselanermus a set of dead-beats which ever stood up.</p> + <p>While sojernin' here, my distinguished looks kicked up quite a +sensation wherever I put in an appearance. On one occasion, a man +stepped up to me who thought I was a banker, and richer than Creosote, +and wanted me to change a $100 bill. I diden't do it. Not much. No, +sir-ee!—they coulden't fool the old man on that ancient dodge.</p> + <p>But, friend PUNCHINELLO, to my disgust and shagrin', I must +acknolidge the corn, and say, I hain't quite so soon as I allers give +myself credit for bein', as the sekel of this letter will show.</p> + <p>Last Saturday P.M. I was a sailin' down Dye Street with my +bloo cotton umbreller under my arm, feelin' all so fine and so gay.</p> + <p>When near the corner of West Street I turned around just in +time to see a ragged boy pick up a pocket-book.</p> + <p>As the afoursaid boy started to run off, a well dressed +lookin' man ketched him by the cote coller.</p> + <p>"What in thunder are you about?" says the boy.</p> + <p>"That pocket-book belongs to this old gentleman," said the +man, pintin' to me. "I saw him drop it."</p> + <p>"No it don't, nether," said the boy, tryin' to break away, +"and I want yer to let go my cote coller."</p> + <p>The infatuated youth then tried his level best to jerk away, +while his capturer yanked and cuffed him, ontil the boy sot up a cryin'.</p> + <p>I notissed as the youth turned around that he partly opened +the wallet, which was chock full of greenbax.</p> + <p>A thought suddenly struck me. That 'ere boy looked as if he +was depraved enuff to steel the shoe-strings off'n the end of a +Chinaman's cue, so the Monongohalian's hair woulden't stay braided.</p> + <p>Thinks I, if the young raskel should keep that pocket-book, +like as not he mite buy a fashinable soot of close and enter on a new +career of crime, and finally fetch up as a ward polertician.</p> + <p>I must confess, that as I beheld that wallet full of bills, my +mouth did water rather freely, and I made up my mind, if wuss come to +wusser, I would not allow too much <i>temptashun</i> to get in that +boy's way. The man turned to me and says:</p> + <p>"Stranger, this is your pocket-book, for I'le swear I saw you +drop it."</p> + <p>What could a poor helpless old man like me do in euch a case, +Mister PUNCHINELLO? That man was willin' to sware that I dropped it, +and I larnt enuff about law, when I was Gustise of the Peece, to know I +coulden't swear I diden't drop it, and any court would decide agin me; +at the same time my hands itched to get holt of the well filled wallet.</p> + <p>I trembled all over for fear a policeman, who was standin' on +the opposite corner, mite come over and stick in his lip.</p> + <p>But no! like the wooden injuns before cigar stores, armed with +a tommyhawk and scalpin' knife, these city petroleums, bein' rather +slippery chaps, hain't half so savage as they look.</p> + <p>When the boy heerd the man say I owned the pocket-book he +caved in, and began to blubber. Said he, whimperin':</p> + <p> "Well—I—want—a—re—ward—for—findin' the—pocket-bo—hoo—ok."</p> + <p>The well dressed individual, still holdin' onto the boy, then +said to me:</p> + <p>"My friend, I'me a merchant, doin' bizziness on Broadway, at +4-11-44. You've had a narrer escape from losin' your pocket-book. Give +this rash youth $50, to encourage him in bein' honest in the futer, and +a glorious reward awaits you. Look at me, sir!" said he, vehemently; +"the turnin' pint of my life was similar to this depraved youth's; but, +sir! a reward from a good lookin', beneverlent old gent like you, made +a man of me, and to-day I'me President of a Society for the <i>Penny-Ante</i> +corruption of good morrils,' and there hain't a judge in the city who +wouldn't give me a home for the pleasure of my company."</p> + <p>Such a man, I knew, woulden't lie about seein' me drop that +pocket-book. I took another look at the Guardian (?) of the public +peace, morrils, etc., who, when he was on his <i>Beat</i>, haden't the +least objection to anybody else bein' on <i>their beat</i>. He wasen't +lookin' our way, but was star-gazin', seein' if the sines was rite for +him to go and take another drink.</p> + <p>"You are sure you saw me drop this wallet?" said I, addressin' +the President of the Penny-antee Society.</p> + <p>"I'le take my affidavy on it," said he.</p> + <p>I pulled out $50 and handed it to the boy, who handed me the +pocket-book.</p> + <p>"Mrs. GREEN! Mrs. GREEN!" soliloquised I, as I walked away, +feelin' as rich as if I held a good fat goverment offis, "if you could +only see your old man now, methinks you'd feel sorry that you hid all +of his close one mornin' last spring, so he coulden't go and attend a +barn raisin'. Yes, madam, your talented husband has struck ile."</p> + <p>I stepped in a stairway to count my little fortin. I was very +much agitated. The wallet was soon opened; when—</p> + <p>"Ye ministers fallen from grace, defend us!" was the first +exclamation which bust 4th from my lips; for I hope to be +flambusticated if I hadn't gone and paid $50 for a lot of brown paper, +rapt up into patent medesin advertisements, printed like greenbax.</p> + <p>For a few minnits I was crazier than a loon.</p> + <p>I rusht madly into the street, runnin' into an old apple +woman, nockin' her "gally west."</p> + <p>I quickly jumped to my feet and begun hollerin':</p> + <p>"Murder! Thieves! Robbers!"</p> + <p>The Policemen scattered, while a crowd of ragged urchins +colected about me. "My youthful vagabones," roared I, as loud as I +could scream, "bring along your stuffed wallets. The market price of +brown paper is $50 an ounce on call.—If you are lookin' for a +greenhorn, I'me your man."</p> + <p>I then broke my umbreller over a lamp-post, and button-hold a +passer by, offerin him a $100 if he'd send me to a loonatic asilum.</p> + <p>Seein' a sine on the opposite corner which read: "Weigher's +Office," I rusht wildly in, and said to a man:</p> + <p>"Captin, I've been <i>litened</i>. If you've got such a thing +as a pair of apothecary's scales about your premises, dump me on and +give me the figgers."</p> + <p>I then tried to jump through a winder, but the man caught me +by the cote tails, and haulin' me back, sot me down into a cheer.</p> + <p>I soon got cooled down, when I told the man how I'de been +swindled, and asked him what I had better do.</p> + <p>"Do?" said he, laffin' as if heed bust. "My advice is, for you +to take the next train for your home, and then charge your loss to the +acc't of seein' the elefant."</p> + <p>It hain't often I git took in, but that time I was swallered, +specturcals, white hat and all, as slick as if I'de been buttered all +over.</p> + <p>I don't intend to let Mrs. GREEN know anything about this +little adventoor, but just as like as not, some day when I hain't +thinking she will worm it out of me, when Mariar will no doubt say:</p> + <p>"Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that's what you git for +stoppin' takin' the weekly noosepapers, because they won't print the +darned nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and +asleep."</p> + <p>Ewers, lite as a fether,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Serious Complication.</b></p> + <p>The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in +a magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the +story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." +Vernacularly, this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it +puzzles one to think why the acquisition of wealth should subject the +holder of it to the liability of being kicked.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Enough Said.</b></p> + <p>"Modern physiologists," said the Doctor, "have arrived at the +conclusion that man begins as a cell."</p> + <p>"And what about woman?" returned the Scalper, "doesn't she +begin as a sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?"</p> + <p>"She does," replied the doctor.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>A Relative Question.</b></p> + <p>Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun +come within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly +connected?</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <center> <img src="images/44.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.</b></p> + </center> + <br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A CRABBED HISTORY.</p> + <p>Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs. A dainty +succulent soft shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the +eye of the epicure and makes his mouth water. Even a hard shell is not +to be despised when no other is attainable. We eat them with great +gusto, thinking they are "so nice," without considering for a moment +that they have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended +for any other purpose than the gratification of our palate. But that is +a mistake which I will try to rectify in order that the <i>bon vivant</i> +may enjoy hereafter the pleasures of a mental and bodily feast +conjointly.</p> + <p>Most crabs are hatched from eggs, and begin life in a very +small way. They float round in the water, at first, without really +knowing what they are about. They have but little sense to start with, +but after a while improve and begin to strike out in a blind +instinctive way, which, after a few efforts, resolves itself into real +genuine swimming. They commence walking about the same time. Awkward +straggling steps, to be sure, but they get over the ground, and that is +the most they care for.</p> + <p>When they are about a month old they begin to feel that life +has its realities, and that they must do something towards the end for +which they were made. The thought is faint at first, but by degrees +grows weightier, till at last they can stand it no longer, and, making +a great effort to throw off the incubus of babyhood that weighs so +heavily upon them, they burst open the back door of their shell and +slowly creep out backwards. It takes about five minutes for them to get +entirely out, head, legs and all, and then for a moment or two they +gaze in stupefaction at their old shell, amazed to find that they have, +by their own efforts, unaided and alone, accomplished such a wonderful +change.</p> + <p>The thought is overwhelming. It fills them with pride; +rejoicingly they exult, and swell with gratification. This state of +self-gratulation lasts about twenty minutes, at the end of which time +they have increased their bulk to nearly double its former size, and +they remain so.</p> + <p>They can't get back into the old shell now, for it won't fit +them, and as there is no other for them to go into, the only thing left +for them to do is to build another house.</p> + <p>It takes three or four days before they get fairly to work, +and during this time they are called soft-shell crabs. This stage is +particularly dangerous to the delicate creatures, for they, in their +tender beauty, are so attractive to hungry fishes that it is really a +wonder any escape. Tender, helpless, innocent and beautiful, they are +almost sure to be victimized and gormandized.</p> + <p>Some, however, escape the fate intended for them, and in a few +days begin to enjoy life in a crabbed sort of a way. Another month +passes on. They become restless and uneasy, and feel that it won't do +to stay too long in one place. They think they had better make another +change, and so this time, in a more self-confident manner, they pack up +and move out at the back door again. They are no more provident now, +however, than they were at first, for, after having given up the old +house, they have no new one to move into. They are not troubled as we +are with house-hunting; they are good builders, and can make one to +suit themselves. A wise provision of nature, for these interesting +creatures are really obliged monthly to go out doors to grow.</p> + <p>This state is to them doubly dangerous. Mankind they always +have to fear, but now they are tempting to their own race. A wicked old +crab goes out for a stroll. The walk gives him an appetite; he looks +around for something to eat and spies a younger brother just moving. +Treacherously be plants himself behind a stone or shell, and watches +the process, chuckling in his inmost stomach over the dainty meal in +prospect. The youthful one has just got clear of his old home and its +restraints, and is delighting in his freedom, when up walks the +vampire, strikes him a blow on his defenceless head, knocks the life +out of him, and then sits down to a dinner of soft-shell crab. He is an +old sportsman, and enjoys exceedingly the meal gained by his own +prowess.</p> + <p>Dinner over, he wipes his claws on the muddy table-cloth and +walks out for his digestion. Off in the distance he spies a young +gentleman crab making love to a beautiful female. He looks at her with +a discriminating eye. Sees she is fair to look upon, and thinks he +would like to be acquainted. He makes several sideway moves in the +direction, ungraceful, but satisfactory to himself, and as he advances +his admiration increases, his courage improves; he feels almost heroic. +The observant lover with staring eyes perceives the advancing strides +of another gentleman crab, and instantly, seized with jealous fears, +clasps his <i>inamorata</i> to his shelly breast with his numerous +little legs, holds her tightly so that she can't fall, and walks off on +his hands.</p> + <p>The old cannibal observes the change of base, feels insulted +at the implied distrust, and resolves to have satisfaction. Increasing +his efforts, he soon overtakes the runaway lovers, challenges his rival +by giving him a dig with his claw, and tells him to "come out and show +himself a crab." Of course no crab of spirit is going to receive an +insult before his beloved and not resent it; with one painful quiver of +his little legs, he sets the lady crab down, and then the two amorous +lovers proceed to deadly combat. Love strengthens the young crab's +heart. Justice nerves his arm; and soon a lucky blow from the sharp +claw pierces in a vital part the hardened sinner, who, with a gulp, +gives up the contest and his life at once.</p> + <p>An exultant shout bubbles up in the water, and then the heroic +defender of crabbed maidenhood leads his beloved to view the remains of +this ravager of hard-shell rights.</p> + <p>They rejoice over the fallen adversary a while, and then, to +make their happiness more complete, and to prosper his wooing, the +victor invites his love to dine on the tender part of the victim.</p> + <p>The invitation is gladly accepted, and they enjoy a delicious +meal, rendered doubly tasteful from the fact that they are feasting on +an enemy.</p> + <p>The facts deduced from the above history prove that crabs have +tastes and feelings just as mankind have. They are gallant to their +females; never engage in combat with the weaker sex; fight and kill +each other when angry; love good eating, and are cannibalistic—which +last habit they may have learned from their ancestors of the Feejee +Islands.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>BAITED BREATH.</b>—That of the boy who had "wums fur bait" +in his mouth.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>OCTOBER JOTTINGS.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/45.jpg" align="left" alt="A">ttracted by the +dulcet strains of a brass band, a day or two since, PUNCHINELLO +ascended to the summit of the N.E. tower of his residence, looking from +which he beheld a target company all with crimson shirts ablaze +marching up the Bowery. Then, glancing over towards Long Island, he +observed that Nature was already assuming her russet robes, which +circumstance, combined with that of the target company, reminded him +that the shooting season had just commenced. A few hints to young +sportsmen, then, from so old a one as PUNCHINELLO, will not, be hopes, +be taken amiss—not even though, in shooting phrase, a miss is generally +as good as a mile.</p> + <p>Before taking the field, look well to your shooting-irons. +Fowling-pieces are far more apt to Get Foul while they are lying away +during the off season, than when they are taken out for a day's sport +by the fowlers.</p> + <p>On releasing your gun from its summer prison, always examine +it carefully, to ascertain whether it is loaded. This you can do by +looking down into the barrel and touching the trigger with your toe. If +your head is blown off, then you may be sure that the gun was loaded. +Otherwise not.</p> + <p>Should your gun be a breech-loader, always load it at the +muzzle. This will show that you know better than the man who made it, +or, at least, that he is no better than you.</p> + <p>If you are a novice in gunnery it will be safest for you to +put the shot in before the powder. By doing this you will not only +provide against possible accidents, but will secure for yourself the +reputation of being a very safe man to go out shooting with.</p> + <p>When you go out with your gun, always dress in a shootable +costume. For instance, if you want to bag lots of Dead Rabbits, TWEED +will be the best stuff you can wear—especially about November 8th, on +which day you will be certain to find Some Quail about the polling +places. (N.B. They are beginning to quail already.)</p> + <p>The best time to acquire the art of shooting flying is fly +time. Always carry a whiskey flask about you, so that you can practice +at Swallows.</p> + <p>When you hear the drum of the ruffed grouse, steal silently +through the thicket and let drive in the direction of the sound. Should +you bring down a target company instead of a ruffed grouse, so much the +better. It will only be bagging ruffs of another kind, and by silencing +their drums you will have conferred an obligation upon humanity.</p> + <p>There is much diversity of opinion regarding the best kind of +dog for fowling purposes. It all depends upon what work you want your +dog to do for you. If you want to have birds pointed, a pointer is best +for your purpose. If set, a setter. But if you want a dog that will go +in and kill without either pointing or setting, be sure that the Iron +Dog is the dog for your money. You can procure one of Staunch Blood by +application at Police Head-Quarters.</p> + <p>Before going out for a day's sport, resolve yourself into a +committee of one for the preservation of choice ornithological +specimens. By this we do not mean that you are to set up in business as +a taxidermist, but that you are bound—if a true sportsman—to protect +the song birds, and the birds that are useful in destroying noxious +vermin, and all the beautiful feathered creatures that ornament our +woods, and fields, and parks, from the depredations of the ignorant, +loutish, pestilent, pernicious pot-hunter. The Sportsmen's Clubs that +have been organized throughout the country should be supported by every +true sportsman; and if you lay a thick stick vigorously across the back +of the first fool you see about to kill Cock Robin, you will have +established a very efficacious Sportsman's Club of your own, and will +have earned the best regards of Mr. PUNCHINELLO to boot—by which he +means, if you choose, that you have his leave and license to boot the +fellow into the bargain.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">MORE ABOUT CHIGNONS.</p> + <p>The chignon is coming to the front again. By this we do not +mean that it is worn, or likely to be worn before—in saying which the +word "before" is not used by us in its acceptation of previously, but +in that of front; although, now that we come to think of it, the <i>chignon</i> +certainly has been worn before, as may be seen by consulting +old-fashioned prints, in which it is shown worn behind. This, to the +ordinary mind, may seem rather confused; and so it is; but what else +could you expect from a writer when he has got <i>chignon</i> upon the +brain?</p> + <p>For newspapers the <i>chignon</i> is just now a teeming +subject. Every day or so somebody writes to a paper, saying that be has +discovered a new kind of parasite, hatched by the genial warmth of +woman's nape from some deleterious padding or other used in the +manufacture of her <i>chignon</i>. Sometimes it is vegetable stuff, +sometimes animal, but it always teems with pedicular creatures akin to +that low and vulgar kind not usually recognized in polite society. All +these horrors come and and don't make much difference in the <i>chignon</i> +market; but PUNCHINELLO has a new one that is calculated to create a +sensation—about the nape of the female neck—and here it is.</p> + <p>In the beech forests of Hungary, as is well known to Danubian +explorers, there exists a very remarkable breed of pigs, one of their +peculiarities being that they are covered with wool instead of with +bristles. These pigs are shorn regularly every year, like sheep. Their +wool, which is very stiff and curly, is used for stuffing cushions and +mattresses of the cheap and nasty kind. Since <i>chignons</i> have +come into fashion, a vast amount of pig's wool has been imported for +their manufacture. By microscopic investigation the wool of the Hungary +pig has been found swarming with <i>trichinae</i>; to a fearful +extent. Now, it is easy to imagine that the <i>trichinae</i> obtained +from a hungry pig must be of a very insatiable and ravenous +disposition, and this is but too often realized by the silly wearers of +the porcine <i>chignons</i>, into whose brains, (when they happen to +have any,) the horrible little parasites worm their way in myriads, +rendering their hapless victims pig-headed to an extent that defies +description either with pen or pencil.</p> + <p>The Pig-faced Woman exhibited some time ago in Europe was once +a very pretty girl, her hideous deformity being the result of wearing a + <i>chignon</i> stuffed with Hungary pigs' wool.</p> + <p>In purchasing a pig <i>chignon</i>, then, the Girl of the +Period had better look out that she does not get "too much pork for a +shilling."</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>MATCHING THE MATCHLESS.</b></p> + <p>Matchmaking has always been traditionally supposed to be the +chief end of woman. No wonder that, with the spread of the new theories +of woman's rights, therefore, we find them invading departments of +industry which were formerly supposed to be peculiarly the domain of +the stronger sex. We have recently seen running matches, swimming +matches, rowing matches, and other fancy matches, made by women. And +why not? The women are wise in thus preparing themselves for +proficiency in the arts of primary elections, ballot stuffing and the +rest, incidental to untrammelled suffrage.</p> + <p>In regard to this, also, it may not be amiss to suggest that +this passion for match-making lies at the bottom of the recent increase +in divorce, which so alarms some timid moralists. Certain it is that +easy divorce enlarges the opportunities for its gratification, and to +be "fancy" and "free" is no longer a charm peculiar only to "maiden +meditation."</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>HISTORY FACTORY.</b></p> + <p>Card to the Public.</p> + <p>The undersigned, having recently increased their facilities +for the manufacture of History upon an unusually large scale, would +hereby announce to their patrons and the public in general that they +have associated with them Messrs. VICTOR EMANUEL and General TROCHU.</p> + <p>LOUIS NAPOLEON,<br> +M. BISMARCK,<br> +WM. O'PRUSSIA,</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Commercial.</b></p> + <p>A proof of the present great depression in the Whaling +business is the fact that the editor of the <i>Sun</i> still walks +about unflogged.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <center> <img src="images/46a.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>HORSE-CAR AMENITIES.</b></p> + <p><i>Conductor</i>. "Wanted to get off, did you?—Then why in +thunder didn't you say so?"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>THE CHOICE OF PARIS (IN AMERICA.)</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">One +drink, dear friend, before we part—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Before I tempt the shining sea;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">One drink to pledge each constant +heart—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yet stay, what shall the tipple +be?<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">My eyes are dazed with +bar-room "signs"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">In which, I pray, shall +friendship conquer?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Can alien I drink "native" wines?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Are Jew-lips Christian tipple, <i>mon +coeur</i>?<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">This "cobbler"—is't a +heeling drink?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A "smash" were surely +inauspicious;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Toute de-suite</i>, two +"sours"—yet I think</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ah! <i>qu'est-ce-qui c'est!</i>—acetate +is vicious!<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Garçon!</i> +two "skins"—the name is 'cute---</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">You Yankees "twig" the +pharmaceutical;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But hold! art sure the +flay-vor'll suit?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Will it not smack too much of +cuticle?<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">No, boy, no "skins." +Let's try some beer,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A milder fluid for to-day;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ottawa bring us—<i>c'est à +dire</i>,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Some beer that keeps the 'ot +away.<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">No? Well, some ale: in +limpid Bass</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We'll drown our thirst and +parting grief;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Come drink—<i>arretez!</i> this <i>must</i> +pass—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Twould look too much like +bas-relief!<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The hour arrives; our +lips are dry;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">What <i>shall</i> it be? Oh, +name it for me!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">A <i>tasse</i> of gin? I drink +and fly</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To toss upon the ocean stormy.</span> + </div> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> <br> + <p><b>"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER."</b></p> + <p>Freedom of action is one of the greatest boons enjoyed by +mankind in modern days. Its rate of progress is encouraging, especially +since the Liberal Club of this city has taken it under its protection. +It is a very significant association, is the Liberal Club; rather +iconoclastic, to be sure, but only a little ahead of the times, +perhaps, in that respect; Some of our cherished forms of speech have +already been rendered obsolete by the Liberal Club. It used to be such +a clincher to say, when one wanted to enforce a point by indicating an +impossibility, "I will eat my boots unless"—etc., etc. That clincher +has gone to the place whither good clinchers go, forever. At a late +meeting of the Liberal Club, Professor VAN DER WEYDE contributed to the +evening collation a pudding made of an old boot. The pudding was +garnished with the wooden pegs that had kept the boot together, sole +and body, while it walked the earth. The boot-jack with which the +original source of the pudding used to be pulled off was also +exhibited, and excited great interest. It is the intention, of the +Professor to subject this implement to some process by which it will be +resolved into farina, or sawdust, and then to make a Jack Pudding of +it. Many of the ladies and gentlemen present partook of the boot +pudding, and pronounced it excellent. One lady, (a member of Sorosis, +we believe,) said that she thought it tasted like a pear. The Professor +assured her, however, that he had used but one boot in making it, not a +pair. Altogether, the pudding was a success. Freedom of action had been +vindicated, and the absurd prejudice that had hitherto prevented men +from utilizing their old boots as food, except in extreme cases, was +shattered with one blow.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>PANOPLY FOR OUR POLICE.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO felicitates the Municipal Police Force on the +magnificent new shields with which the manly breasts of its members are +decorated. Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO considers it sheer mockery to call +that a shield by which nothing is shielded. A buckle might as well be +called a buckler as the policeman's badge a shield. Already our noble +skirmishers of the side-walk are fully provided for the offensive, and, +considering the risks run by them from the roughs, the toughs and the +gruffs, it is high time that they were furnished with something in the +defensive line. Curb-chain undershirts have been suggested, but an +objection to their use is that links of them are apt to be carried into +the interior anatomy by pistol bullets, thus introducing a surplus of +iron into the blood,—an accession which is apt to steel the heart of +the officer thus experimented on, and so render him deaf to the cries +of innocence in distress. PUNCHINELLO suggests, then, that the +policeman's shield should <i>be</i> a shield. Let it be made +sufficiently large to cover the most vulnerable portion of the person, +as shown in the annexed design. If made of gong-metal, so much the +better, as the wearer could then ring out signals upon it with his +locust far more effectively than by the present ridiculous mode of +beating up rowdydow upon the flag-stones. Although our gallant +Municipal Blue is never backward in facing danger, yet it might be +judicious for him to wear a shield upon his back as well as upon his +front, because it is just possible that, in case of a row, his large, +heavy boots might be conveying him away in a direction diametrically +opposite to the spot at which the shooting was going on.</p> + <center> <img src="images/46b.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p>ARE OFFERING</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS</p> + <p><b>LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>FULL REGULAR MAKES,</b><br> +From 25 cents per pair upward.</p> + <p><small>ALSO,</small></p> + <p><b>GENTLEMENS' HALF HOSE,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b> EXTRA QUALITY,</b><br> +25 cents per pair upward.</p> + <p><b>LADIES LINES OF</b><br> +Ladies' and Gentlemens'<br> +Silk and Merino Underwear.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">8th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="3"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <b>CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</b><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>"The Awakening,"</b></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Wild Roses.</b></big></big> 12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Grand Exposition.<br> + <br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. STEWART & CO.</big></p> + <p><small>HAVE OPENED</small></p> + <p>A Splendid Assortment of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PARIS MADE DRESSES,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>From Worth E Pingnet and +other Celebrated Makers</small></p> + <p><small>ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS,</small><br> + <b>OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE,</b></p> + <p>Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not superior, to any in +this city.</p> + <p><big><b>Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats</b></big><br> +Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot'<br> +and other Modletes of the<br> +highest Parisian standing.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The Prices of the Above are +Extremely Attractive.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Extraordinary Bargains.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p>ARE OFFERING<br> + <big><b>GRAY MIXED SUITS,</b></big><br> + <small>MADE OF BEST QUALITY<br> + FRINGED CHEVIOT SUITINGS,<br> + $8 EACH.</small></p> + <p>Scotch Plaid Fringed Suits,<br> + <big><b>VERY HANDSOME,</b></big><br> +ALSO $8 EACH.</p> + <p><big><b>WATERPROOF SUITS,<br> + </b></big> WITH DEEP OVERSKITS,<br> +$10 EACH.</p> + <p>A LARGE STOCK OF<br> + <big><b>POPLIN ALPACA SUITS,</b></big><br> + CHOICE SHADES OF COLOR,<br> + From $12 each upward.</p> + <p>Heavy Rich<br> + <big><b>SILK AND POPLIN SUITS,</b></big><br> + ELEGANTLY TRIMMED,<br> +FROM $60 EACH UPWARD</p> + <p>ONE CASE PARIS-MADE SUITS,<br> + One Case Handsome Millinery,<br> + THREE CASES CHILDREN'S<br> +Part, and London Made</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>Dresses, Suits, Robes and +Underwear, One Case Pattern Velvet and Cloth. Cloaks, Sacques and +Richly Embroidered Breakfast Jackets,</small></p> + <p>AT VERY ATTRACTIVE PRICES.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS,</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img src="images/48.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>AGGRAVATING.</b></p> + <p><i>Sidewalk Merchant</i>. "BUY A BUNDLE OF TOOTHPICKS, +BOSS—ONLY THREE CENTS."<br><br> + <i>Old Gent</i>. "TOOTHPICKS?—WHY, I'VE JUST BIN AND HAD MY LAST +TOOTH OUT!"</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><br> + <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<br> + </small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><b>IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST +COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</b></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <b>For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, +NASHVILLE, MOBILE,<br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point."<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> Sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp.</small></p> + <br> + <br> + <b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b> </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</b>.<br> + <br> + <b>OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</b><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <b>ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL</b><br> + <br> + <small><b>WEEKLY PAPER,</b></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <b>ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</b><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> + <b>No 83 Nassau Street,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</b> </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10047 ***</div> +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/10047-h/images/33.jpg b/10047-h/images/33.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a96eda --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/33.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/37.jpg b/10047-h/images/37.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..24b9207 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/37.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/38a.jpg b/10047-h/images/38a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c9e82ce --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/38a.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/38b.jpg b/10047-h/images/38b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed581c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/38b.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/38c.jpg b/10047-h/images/38c.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..afdb744 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/38c.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/38d.jpg b/10047-h/images/38d.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e23148 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/38d.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/40.jpg b/10047-h/images/40.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b27a6a --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/40.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/41.jpg b/10047-h/images/41.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..88d65d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/41.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/44.jpg b/10047-h/images/44.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bfa2ad7 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/44.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/45.jpg b/10047-h/images/45.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50da483 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/45.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/46a.jpg b/10047-h/images/46a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ab10015 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/46a.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/46b.jpg b/10047-h/images/46b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..85ea2f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/46b.jpg diff --git a/10047-h/images/48.jpg b/10047-h/images/48.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f4ffb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/10047-h/images/48.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9720ef2 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #10047 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10047) diff --git a/old/10047-8.txt b/old/10047-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa6a5f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10047-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2785 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October 15, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October 15, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 11, 2003 [EBook #10047] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 29 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," to preserve the paper for binding, will be | + | sent postpaid, on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "503," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +VOL II., NO. 29 + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. 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NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | + | | + | MATERNITY | + | | + | A POPULAR TREATISE | + | | + | For Young Wives and Mothers | + | | + | BY T. S. VERDI, A. M., M. D., OF WASHINGTON, D. C. | + | | + | Dr. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | + | Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | + | experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will hare a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J. B. 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Letters of inquiry on any | + | points of interest within the scope of the Journal will | + | receive prompt attention. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | + | | + | Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per | + | number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXII.--(Continued.) + +When Miss POTTS and Mr. SIMPSON rejoined Mr. DIBBLE, in the office of +the latter, across the street, it was decided that the flighty young +girl should be made less expensive to her friends by temporary +accommodation in an economical boarding-house, and that the Gospeler, +returning to Bumsteadville, should persuade Miss CAROWTHERS to come and +stay with her until the time for the reopening of the Macassar Female +College. + +Subsequently, with his homeless ward upon his arm, the benignant old +lawyer underwent a series of scathing rebuffs from the various +high-strung descendants of better days at whose once luxurious but now +darkened homes he applied for the desired board. Time after time was he +reminded, by unspeakably majestic middle-aged ladies with bass voices, +that when a fine old family loses its former wealth by those +vicissitudes of fortune which bring out the noblest traits of character +and compel the letting-out of a few damp rooms, it is significant of a +weak understanding, or a depraved disrespect of the dignity of +adversity, to expect that such families shall lose money and lower their +hereditary high tone by waiting upon a parcel of young girls. A few +Single Gentlemen desiring all the comforts of a home would not be +considered insulting unless they objected to the butter, and a couple of +married Childless Gentlemen with their wives might be pardoned for +respectfully applying; but the idea of a parcel of young girls! Wherever +he went, the reproach of not being a few Single Gentlemen, or a, couple +of married Childless Gentlemen with their wives, abashed Mr. DIBBLE into +helpless retreat; while FLORA'S increasing guilty consciousness of the +implacable sentiment against her as a parcel of young girls, culminated +at last in tears. Finally, when the miserable lawyer was beginning to +think strongly of the House of the Good Shepherd, or the Orphan Asylum, +as a last resort, it suddenly occurred to him that Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, a +distant widowed aunt of his clerk, Mr. BLADAMS, had been known to live +upon boarders in Bleecker Street; and thither he dragged hastily the +despised object on his arm. + +Being a widow without children, and relieved of nearly all the +weaknesses of her sex by the systematic refusal of the opposite sex to +give her any encouragement in them, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN was a relentless +advocate of Woman's Inalienable Rights, and only wished that Man could +just see himself in that contemptible light in which he was distinctly +visible to One who, sooner than be his Legal Slave, would never again +accompany him to the Altar. + +"I tell you candidly, DIBBLE," said she, in answer to his application, +"that if you had applied to be taken yourself, I should have said +'Never!' and at once called in the police. Since SKAMMERHORN died +delirious, I have always refused to have his sex in the house, and I +tell you, frankly, that I consider it hardly human. If this girl of +yours, however, and the elderly female whom, you say, she expects to +join her in a few days, will make themselves generally useful about the +house, and try to be companions to me, I can give them the very room +where SKAMMERHORN died." + +Perceiving that FLORA turned pale, her guardian whispered to her that +she would not be alone in the room, at any rate; and then respectfully +asked whether the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN had ever been seen around the +house since his death? + +"To be frank with you," answered the widow, "I did think that I came +upon him once in the closet, with his back to me, as often I'd seen the +weak creature in life going after a bottle on the top shelf. But it was +only his coat hanging there, with his boots standing below and my muff +hanging over to look like his head." + +"You think, then," said Mr. DIBBLE, inquiringly, "that it is such a room +as two ladies could occupy, without awaking at midnight with a strange +sensation and thinking they felt a supernatural presence?" + +"Not if the bed was rightly searched beforehand, and all the joints well +peppered with magnetic powder," was the assuring answer. + +"Could we see the room, madam?" + +"If the shutters were open you could; as they're not;" returned the +widow, not offering to stir; "but ever since SKAMMERHORN, starting up +with a howl, said 'Here he comes again, red-hot!' and tried to jump out +of the window, I've never opened them for any single man, and never +shall. I couldn't bear it, DIBBLE, to see one of your sex in that room +again, and hope you will not insist." + +Broken in spirit as he was by preceding humiliations, the old lawyer had +not the heart to contest the point, and it was agreed, that, upon the +arrival of Miss CAROWTHERS from Bumsteadville, she and FLORA should +accept the memorable room in question. + +Upon their way back to the hotel, guardian and ward met Mr. BENTHAM, +who, from the moment of becoming a character in their Story, had been +possessed with that mysterious madness for open-air exercise which +afflicted every acquaintance of the late EDWIN DROOD, and now saluted +them in the broiling street and solemnly besought their company for a +long walk. "It has occurred to me," said the Comic Paper man, who had +resumed his black worsted gloves, "that Mr. DIBBLE and Miss POTTS may be +willing to aid me in walking-off some of the darker suicidal +inclinations incident to first-class Humorous Journalism in America. +Reading the 'proof' of an instalment of a comic serial now publishing in +my paper, I contracted such gloom, that a frantic rush into the fresh +air was my only hope of on escape from self-destruction. Let us walk, +if you please." + +Led on, in the profoundest melancholy, by this chastened character, Mr. +DIBBLE and the Flowerpot were presently toiling hotly through a +succession of grievous side-streets, and forlorn short-cuts to dismal +ferries; the state of their conductor's spirits inclining him to find a +certain refreshingly solemn joy in the horrors of pedestrianism imposed +by obstructions of merchandise on side-walks, and repeated climbings +over skids extending from store doors to drays. Inspired to an +extraordinary flow of malignant animal spirits by the complexities of +travel incident to the odorous mazes of some hundred odd kegs of salt +mackerel and boxes of brown soap impressively stacked before one very +enterprising Commission house, Mr. BENTHAM lightened the journey with +anecdotes of self-made Commission men who had risen in life by breaking +human legs and city ordinances; and dwelt emotionally upon the scenes in +the city hospitals where ladies and gentlemen were brought in, with +nails from the hoops of sugar-hogsheads sticking into their feet, or +limbs dislocated from too-loftily piled firkins of butter falling upon +them. Through incredible hardships, and amongst astounding complications +of horse-cars, target companies, and barrels of everything, Mr. BENTHAM +also amused his friends with circuits of several of the fine public +markets of New York; explaining to them the relations of the various +miasmatic smells of those quaint edifices with the various devastating +diseases of the day, and expatiating quite eloquently upon the political +corruption involved in the renting of the stalls, and the fine openings +there were for Cholera and Yellow Fever in the Fish and Vegetable +departments. Then, as a last treat, he led his panting companions +through several lively up-hill blocks of drug-mills and tobacco firms, +to where they had a distant view of a tenement house next door to a +kerosene factory, where, as he vivaciously told them, in the event of a +fire, at least one hundred human beings would be slowly done to a turn. +After which all three returned from their walk, firmly convinced that an +unctuous vein of humor had been conscientiously worked, and abstractedly +wishing themselves dead.[1] + +The exhilarating effect of the genial Comic Paper man upon FLORA did +not, indeed, pass away, until she and Miss CAROWTHERS were in their +appointed quarters under the roof of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, whither they went +immediately upon the arrival of the elder spinster from Bumsteadville. + +"It could have been wished, my good woman," said Miss CAROWTHERS, +casting a rather disparaging look around the death-chamber of the late +Mr. SKAMMERHORN, "that you had assigned to educated single young ladies, +like ourselves, an apartment less suggestive of Man in his wedded +aspects. The spectacle of a pair of pegged boots sticking out from under +a bed, and a razor and a hone grouped on the mantle-shelf, is not such +as I should desire to encourage in the dormitory of a pupil under my +tuition." + +"That's much to be deplored, I'm sure, CAROWTHERS," returned Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN, severely, "and sorry am I that I ever married, on that +particular account. I'd not have done it, if you'd only told me. But, +seeing that I married SKAMMERHORN, and then he died delirious, his +boots and razor must remain, just as he often wished to throw the +former at me in his ravings. Once married is enough, say I; and those +who never were, through having no proposals, must bear with those who +have, and take things as they come." + +"There are those, I'd have you know, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, to whom proposals +have been no inducement," said Miss CAROWTHERS, sharply; "or, if being +made, and then withdrawn, have given our sex opportunities to prove, in +courts of law, that damages can still be got. I'm afraid of no Man, my +good woman, as a person named BLODGETT once learned from a jury; but +boots and razors are not what I would have familiar to the mind of one +who never had a husband to die in raging torments, nor yet has sued for +breach." + +"Miss POTTS is but a chicken, I'll admit," retorted Mrs. SKAMMERHORN; +"but you're not such, CAROWTHERS, by many a good year. On the contrary, +quite a hen. Then, you being with her, if the boots and razor make her +think she sees that poor, weak SKAMMERHORN a-ranging round the room, +when in his grave it is his place to be, you've only got to say: 'A fool +you are, and always were,'--as often I, myself, called at him in his +lifetime,--and off he'll go into his tomb again for fear of +broomsticks." + +"FLORA, my dear," said Miss CAROWTHERS, turning with dignity to her +pupil, "if I know anything of human nature, the man who has once got +away from here, will stay away. Only single ghosts have attachments for +the houses in which they once lived. So, never mind the boots and razor, +darling; which, after all, if seen by peddlers, or men who come to fix +the gas, might keep us safe from robbers." + +"As safe as any man himself, young woman, with pistols under his head +that he would never dare to fire if robbers were no more than cats +rampaging," added Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, enthusiastically. "With nothing but +an old black hat of SKAMMERHORN'S, and walking-cane, kept hanging in the +hall, I haven't lost a spoon by tramps or census takers for six mortal +years. So, make yourselves at home, I beg you both, while I go down and +cook the liver for our dinner. You'll find it tender as a chicken, after +what you've broke your teeth upon in boarding-schools; though +SKAMMERHORN declared it made him bilious in the second year, forgetting +what he'd drank with sugar to his taste, beforehand." + +Thus was sweet FLORA POTTS introduced to her new home; where, but for +looking down from her windows at the fashions, making-up hundreds of +bows of ribbons for her neck, and making-over all her dresses, her +woman's mind must have been a blank. What time Miss CAROWTHERS told her +all day how she looked in this or that style of wearing her hair, and +read her to sleep each night with extracts from the pages of cheery +HANNAH MORE. As for the object nearest her young heart, to say that she +was wholly unruffled by it would be inaccurate; but by address she kept +it hidden from all eyes save her own. + +[Footnote 1: Ordinary readers, while admiring the heavy humor of this +unexpected open-air episode, may wonder what on earth it has to do with +the the Story; but the cultivated few, understanding the ingenious +mechanics of novel-writing, will appreciate it as a most skilful and +happy device to cover the interval between the hiring of Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN's room, and the occupation thereof by FLORA and her late +teacher--another instance of what our profoundly critical American +journals call "artistic--elaboration." (See corresponding Chapter of +the original English Story.)] + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +GOING HOME IN THE MORNING. + +After having thrown all his Ritualistic friends at home into a most +unholy and exasperated condition of mind, by a steady series of vague +remarks as to the extreme likelihood of their united implication in the +possible deed of darkness by which he has lost a broadcloth nephew and +an alpaca umbrella, the mournful Mr. BUMSTEAD is once more awaiting the +dawn in that popular retreat in Mulberry Street where he first +contracted his taste for cloves. The Assistant-Assessor and the Alderman +of the Ward are again there, tilted back against the wall in their +chairs; their shares in the Congressional Nominating Convention held in +that room earlier in the night having left them too weary for further +locomotion. The decanters and tumblers hurled by the Nominating +Convention over the question of which Irishman could drink the most to +be nominated, are still scattered about the floor; here and there a +forgotten slungshot marks the places where rival delegations have +confidently presented their claims for recognition; and a few +bullet-holes in the wall above the bar enumerate the various pauses in +the great debate upon the perils of the public peace from Negro +Suffrage. + +Reclining with great ease of attitude upon an uncushioned settee, the +Ritualistic organist is aroused from dreamy slumber by the turning-over +of the pipe in his mouth, and majestically motions for the venerable +woman of the house to come and brush the ashes from his clothes. + +"Wud yez have it filled again, honey?" asks the woman. "Sure, wan pipe +more would do ye no harrum." + +"I'mtooshleepy," he says, dropping the pipe. + +"An' are yez too shlapey, asthore, to talk a little bissiness wid an +ould woman?" she asks, insinuatingly. "Couldn't yez be afther payin' me +the bit av a schore I've got agin ye?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his eyes reproachfully, and wishes to know how she +can dare talk about money matters to an organist who, at almost any +moment, may be obliged to see a Chinaman hired in his place on account +of cheapness? + +"Could the haythen crayture play, thin?" she asks, wonderingly. + +"Thairvairimitative," he tells her;--"Cookwashiron' n' eatbirdsnests." + +"An' vote would they, honey?" + +"Yesh--'f course--thairvairimitative, I tell y'," snarls he: +"do'tcheapzdirt." + +"Is it vote chaper they would, the haythen naygurs, than daycint, +hardworkin' white min?" she asks, excitedly. + +"Yesh. Chinesecheaplabor," he says, bitterly. + +"Och, hone!" cries the woman, in anguish; "and f'hat's the poor to do +then, honey?" + +"Gowest; go'nfarm!" sobs Mr. BUMSTEAD, shedding tears. "I'd go m'self if +a-hadn't lost dear-er-rerelative.--Nephew'n' umbrella." + +"Saint PAYTHER! an' f'hat's that?" + +"EDWINS!" cries the unhappy organist, starting to his feet with a wild +reel. "Th' pride of'suncle'sheart! I see 'm now, +in'sh'fectionatemanhood, with whalebone ribs, made 'f alpaca, +andyetsoyoung. 'Help me!' hiccries; 'PENDRAGON'sash'nate'n me!' +hiccries--and I go!" + +While uttering this extraordinary burst of feeling, he has advanced +towards the door in a kind of demoniac can-can, and, at its close, +abruptly darts into the street and frantically makes off. + +"The cross of the holy fathers!" ejaculates the woman, momentarily +bewildered by this sudden termination of the scene. Then a new +expression comes swiftly over her face, and she adds, in a different +tone, "Odether-nodether, but it's coonin' as a fox he is, and it's off +he's gone again widout payin' me the schore! Sure, but I'll follow him, +if it's to the wurruld's ind, and see f'hat he is and where he is." + +Thus it happens that she reaches Bumsteadville almost as soon as the +Ritualistic organist, and, following him to his boarding-house, +encounters Mr. TRACEY CLEWS upon the steps. + +"Well, now!" calls that gentleman, as she looks inquiringly at him, "who +do you want?" + +"Him as just passed in, your Honor." + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD?" + +"Ah. Where does he play the organ?" + +"In St. Cow's Church, down yonder. Mass at seven o'clock, and he'll be +there in half an hour." + +"It's there I'll be, thin," mumbles the woman; "and bad luck to it that +I didn't know before; whin I came to ax him for me schore, and might +have gone home widout a cint but for a good lad named EDDY who gave me a +sthamp.--The same EDDY, I'm thinkin', that I've heard him mutter about +in his shlape at my shebang in town, whin he came there on political +business." + +After a start and a pause, Mr. CLEWS repeats his information concerning +the Ritualistic church, and then cautiously follows the woman as she +goes thither. + +Unconscious of the remarkable female figure intently watching him from +under a corner of the gallery, and occasionally shaking a fist at him, +Mr. BUMSTEAD attends to the musical part of the service with as much +artistic accuracy as a hasty head-bath and a glass of soda-water are +capable of securing. The worshippers are too busy with risings, +kneelings, bowings, and miscellaneous devout gymnastics, to heed his +casual imperfections, and his headache makes him fiercely indifferent to +what any one else may think. + +Coming out of the athletic edifice, Mr. CLEWS comes upon the woman +again, who seems excited. + +"Well?" he says. + +"Sure he saw me in time to shlip out of a back dure," she returns, +savagely; "but it's shtrait to his boording-house I'm going afther him, +the spalpeen." + +Again Mr. TRACEY CLEWS follows her; but this time he allows her to go up +to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, while he turns into his own apartment where his +breakfast awaits him. "I can make a chalk mark for the trail I've struck +to-day," he says; and then thoughtfully attacks the meal upon the +table.[2] + +(_To be Continued._) + + +[Footnote 2: At this point, the English original of this Adaptation--the +"Mystery of EDWIN DROOD"--breaks off forever.] + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Nilsson has come; and, sad to say, has brought dissension and discord +with her. Not that there is any discord in her matchless voice, but +there is a vast amount of wrangling as to her precise merits. Do you +doubt this? Then come with me in my light Fourth Avenue car, while the +stars are bright and the sky is blue, (this is an adaptation of a once +popular love-song by Dr. WATTS,) and we will go to Steinway Hall to hear +the Improved Swedish Nightingale, and feast our eyes on STRAKOSCH'S +flowers. + +We pass up the steep staircase--with many misgivings as to our ankles, +if we belong to the sex which considers the possession of those +anatomical features a fact to be carefully concealed, provided they are +not symmetrical. We pass the door-keeper, who, as is the custom of his +kind, frowns malignantly at us, and evidently asks himself--"How much +longer can I refrain from tearing up the tickets of these impudent +pleasure-seekers, and throwing the pieces in their infamously contented +countenances?" We gain the hall, and are sent to the inevitable "other +aisle," by the usher, (by the way, why is it that one always gets into +the wrong aisle, only to be ignominiously ordered to the opposite side +of the house?) and we finally turn various illegal occupants out of our +seats, and begin to fan ourselves in fervid anticipation of the coming +musical treat. A buzz of conversation is everywhere going on. Did any +one ever notice the curious fact that a middle-aged man and woman can +converse at a theatre or concert room without either one finding any +difficulty in hearing what the other says, while no young man can make +his accompanying young lady hear a single word unless his mouth is in +close proximity to her ear? This singular state of things is doubtless +due to the peculiar acoustical properties of public buildings. We +manage, however, to hear a good deal of both young and middle-aged +conversation, of the following improving type. + +RURAL PERSON. "I've heard most everybody that's sung in our Philadelphy +opera house, and some of 'em are pretty hard to beat. NILSSON may beat +'em, you know. Mind, now, I don't say she won't, but she's got a mighty +hard row to hoe." + +CRITIC. _(Who sent for seats for his eight sisters and their +friends--but who did not get them.)_ "There comes the Scandinavian +Society--fifty Irishmen at fifty cents a head. Did you see the flowers +piled up in the lobby? MAX paid seven hundred dollars for the lot." + +YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! I wish you wouldn't look at that fellow across the +way. You know how your own darling loves you, and--" + +YOUNG LADY. "Hush! Don't bother. Here comes VIEUXTEMPS." + +VIEUXTEMPS plays, and the audience listens with the air of people who +are dreadfully bored, but are afraid to show it. He disappears with an +amount of applause carefully graduated so as to express enthusiasm +without the desire for hearing him again. The Rural Person remarks that +"he doesn't think much of fiddlers anyhow. Give him a trombone, or a +banjo, for his money." + +MR. WEHLI then trifles with the piano. Him, too, the audience politely +endure, but plainly do not appreciate. They have come to hear NILSSON, +and feel outraged at having to hear anybody else. A cornet solo by the +Angel GABRIEL himself would be secretly regarded as undoubtedly +artistic, but certainly a little out of place. + +CHORUS OF RIVAL PIANO-MAKERS. "What a wretched instrument that poor +fellow is made to play upon. Nobody can produce any effect on a STEINWAY +piano. It's good for nothing but for boarding-school practice." + +CRITIC, (who knows Mr. STEINWAY.) "Anybody can please people by playing +on a STEINWAY. I defy WEHLI or any other man to play badly on such a +superb instrument as that." + +YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! Do you remember the day when you gave me one of +your hair-pins? I have worn it next my--" + +YOUNG LADY. "Oh, don't bother. NILSSON is just going to sing." + +And she does sing, with that voice so matchless in its perfect purity, +that even the disappointed critic grows uneasy as he tries in vain to +find some reasonable fault with it. She ceases, and amid wild cheers +from the paying part of the audience, silent approval from the +deadheads, and shouts of "Hooroo!" and "Begorra!" from the Scandinavian +Society, MAX'S flowers are brought in solemn procession up the aisle, +and laid at the feet of the Improved Nightingale. + +CRITIC. "Those flowers will just be taken out of the back door, and +brought in again to be used the second time. There's a hand-cart waiting +for them now, at the Fifteenth Street entrance." + +SIX PRIME DONNE, _(who were not asked to sing at the NILSSON concerts.)_ +"Well, did you ever hear 'Angels Ever Bright' sung in a more atrocious +style? If that is NILSSON's idea of expression, the sooner she leaves +the stage to artists, the better." + +CYNICAL OLD MUSICIAN. "Bah! NILSSON infuses religious sentiment into her +singing, and these envious creatures don't know what religious sentiment +is, so they think she is all wrong. If she had sung HANDEL with a smile, +and a coquettish tossing of her head, they would still have hated her, +but they would not have ventured to call her "inartistic."" + +YOUNG MAN. "Darling! I had rather hear your sweet voice, than listen to +NILSSON or a choir of angels for the rest of my--" + +YOUNG LADY. "CHARLES, you will drive me wild, with your intolerable +spooniness. I'll never come out with you again. See how the SMITH girls +are looking at you." + +RURAL PERSON. "--So I says to the usher, 'If you think I'm a countryman +who don't know what's what, you're everlastingly sold.' 'I'm from +Philadelphy,' says I, 'and we've got singers there that can knock spots +out of your NILLOGGS and KELSONS and the rest of 'em.' So he just--" + +RIVAL MANAGER. "My tear fellow, you shust mind dis. MAX vill lose all +his monish. NILSSON can't sing, my tear! She vanted me to encage her a +year ago, but I vouldn't do it. Dere ish no monish in her, now you mind +vot I says." + +DISTINGUISHED TEACHER. "You call her an artist! Why, look here, if one +of my scholars were to phrase as wretchedly as she does, I'd never show +my face in public again. Her voice is so-so, but her school is simply +infamous." + +CELEBRATED TEACHER. "Well, I don't mind saying that I never heard her +equal in point of quality of voice. She gives you pure tone, which is +what hardly any other singer does." + +NINE TENTHS OF THE AUDIENCE. "She is perfectly lovely. There never was +anybody like her." + +CONNOISSEUR, _(who really does know something about music, but who +actually has no prejudices.)_ "Her voice is such a one as MARGARET must +have had when she sang by her spinning-wheel, before fate threw her in +the way of FAUST. And these professional musicians will tear her +reputation to pieces among themselves! Why should musical people be, of +all others, most fond of discord?" + +CRITIC. "There! those fools are determined to make her sing again. I +can't stand this. I'll see MAX once more, and if he don't do the right +thing, I'll say that NILSSON was played out in Europe before she came +here, and that she is a complete failure." + +YOUNG MAN, "Sweetest! may I ask you one question?" + +YOUNG LADY. "No, you shan't. Will you keep quiet? Everybody is looking +at you." + +EVERYBODY. "Sh! sh! sh!" + +NILSSON sings again. As her delicious notes die out in the thunder of +applause, I make my way out of the Hall, into the clear and silent +night. For not even the witchery of VIEUXTEMPS'S violin is fit to mate +in memory with the peerless tones of NILSSON. + +Here I meant to do some fine writing, but as this is PUNCHINELLO, and +not the "Easy Chair" of Harper's Magazine, I conquer the temptation. +Wherefore I accept the gratitude of my readers, and sign myself + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Congestion at "The Sun." + +PUNCHINELLO is pained to know that the circulation of his bewitching +contemporary, _The Sun_, is daily growing more and more languid. +Paralysis has set in, and the patient but seldom has the energy to +dictate the daily bulletin giving the state of his circulation. + + * * * * * + +Only a Suggestion. + +It will be bad enough for the Prussian Cavalrymen to water their horses +in the Seine, but if they go to driving their stakes in the Bois de +Boulogne, won't the Parisians think it looks a little like running +things into the ground? + + * * * * * + +OUR MASTERS OF ART. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: The knights of the pencil and easel, having returned +from their usual visits to their summer haunts, and having exchanged the +blue skies and grassy vales of Nature for the smoky ceilings and dirty +floors of Art, (I believe that is the proper way to commence this kind +of an article,) your correspondent has visited a number of them, and has +obtained authentic accounts of their present occupations, and has also +been permitted to make slight sketches of some of their principal works. + +BIERSTADT, as usual, is painting Yos. Having entirely exhausted the Yo +Semite, he is now at work on a grand picture of a Southdown Ewe, and +will soon commence a view of his studio,--at sunrise. He well deserves +his title of the Yeoman of Art. + +JAMES HAMILTON, of Philadelphia, is painting a sunset. It may not be +generally known, but it is a fact, that he paints the sun every time it +sets. The following sketch will give a good idea of his next great +picture. The nails are inserted in the sun to keep it from going down +any further, and spoiling the scene. + +[Illustration] + +WILLIAM T. RICHARDS, of the same city, is hard at work on a picture +which is intended to represent, to the life, water in motion; a +specialty which he has lately adopted. It is entitled "A Scene on the +Barbary Coast; Water in Motion, Steamer in the Distance." The subjoined +sketch represents the general plan of the picture. + +[Illustration] + +Still another Philadelphia artist, Mr. ROTHERMEL, is very busy at a +great work. He is putting the finishing-touches to his vast painting of +the Battle of Gettysburg. On this enormous canvas may be seen correct +likenesses of all the principal generals, colonels, captains, majors, +first and second lieutenants, sergeant-majors, sergeants, corporals and +high privates who were engaged in that battle; and by the consummate +skill of the artist, each one of them, to the great gratification of +himself and his family, is placed prominently in the foreground. Such +distinguished success should meet appropriate reward, and it is now +rumored that the artist will soon be commissioned by Congress to paint +for the Rotunda of the Capitol a grand picture of our late civil war, +with all the incidents of that struggle, upon one canvas. + +Of the artists who affect the "shaded wood," we learn that Mr. HENNESSY, +now absent in Europe, is drawing another "Booth." Whether this is +intended particularly for "Every Saturday," I cannot say, but I suppose +it will answer for any other week-day. At any rate, here is his last +"Booth." + +[Illustration] + +NAST is at work on a series of sarcastic pictures illustrating the +miseries of France. Most of them show how LOUIS NAPOLEON ought to finish +up his career and dynasty. In fact, should this gifted artist ever +travel among Bonapartists, he will certainly be hunted down in an +astounding manner, and the populace, adopting American customs, will +probably congregate to see him astride a rail. Two of his smaller +studies are very interesting. One of them, called "An Astray," is simply +a ray of black light; and another, intended for the contemplation of +persons who desire light and airy pictures, is simply a portrait of +himself, entitled "A Nasturtium." + +The well-known Miss EDMONIA LEWIS has been exhibiting her statue of +"HAGAR," in Chicago. As HAGAR was the first woman who suffered anything +like divorce, Chicago is a capital place for her statue, and Miss LEWIS +evidently knows what she is about. Her name reminds me that our great +landscapist, LEWIS, is at work on a picture which he calls "A Scene in +France after a Reign." This little sketch will give an idea of the +painting. + +[Illustration] + +Most of our other artists are also worthily engaged, but time, (I +believe that is the regular way to end an article of this kind) will not +permit present mention of them. + +EFARES. + + * * * * * + +HAM AND EGGS. + +War always brings with it its signs and portents. A hen somewhere in +Virginia, according to a local paper, has lately produced an egg on the +white of which the word "War" was plainly written in black letters. Now, +when we consider that the career of LOUIS NAPOLEON was more or less +influenced by Ham, there is something very significant in the advent of +this providential egg; nor should we be surprised to learn, ere long, +that the same hen had laid another egg, this time with a Prussian yolk. + + * * * * * + +Eheu! Strasbourg. + +Reading an old traveller's description of the famous Cathedral of +Strasbourg, we note that he dwells particularly on its "fretted +windows." + +Ah! yes. They have much to fret about, now, have these old windows; and +that makes us think whether the _larmiers_ of the roof over them do not +run real tears. + + * * * * * + +"Lo" Cunning. + +The cunning of the red Indian of the Plains. + + * * * * * + +PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. + +A gaunt, tall, spectacled creature, gender feminine, number singular, +person first, case always possessive, that's the standard bearer; a +broomstick from the top of which floats a petticoat, that's the +standard. Under that standard march in the U.S. at least 20,000,000 +feminines, and--horrible to relate--gal children are on the increase. + +Certainly the devil must have invented petticoats. After EVE had +finished up that little apple job, she went into the petticoat business, +and--hence all our tears. Instantly petticoat government became a +possibility. Then, as her daughters became wiser, they invented the +weeping business, the swooning business, and the curtain lecture +business; they went for our pocket-books and they got them, and +petticoat government became a probability. Not satisfied with the +pocket-books, they are now going for the business by means of which we +fill the books, and oh, what a hankering they have for public pap! They +stick to the curtain lecture business, but now they do it before the +curtain. Alas, petticoat government is now a certainty! + +It's all very well for you to talk about the grandeur of the governments +of BOADICEA, and ELIZABETH and CATHERINE, but I don't believe that BOA, +or LIZZY, or KATE would have been very nice as a companion, if she and +you were sitting before the fire, and she wanted stamps and was going +for them as a matter of business. Besides, there was only one of them at +a time, and they didn't trouble common people much, but in this +enlightened nineteenth century I have seen a poor, miserable, six foot +dry-goods clerk turned out of a retail store by a strapping little +female, who couldn't jump a counter worth shucks. I have seen him in his +misery industriously study "What I Know About Farming," squat on a farm +in the West, and bring himself, his wife, and four miserable offshoots +to the alms-house by endeavoring to apply the rules set down in "What I +Know About Farming" to 160 acres of land. I have seen the poor, +half-paid type-setters strike for their altars, their sires, and more +wages, and I have seen a troop of petticoats, with gal children inside +them, trot into the type-setter's place, so that the miserable +compositors were compelled to return and starve on four or five dollars +a day. That's petticoat government with a vengeance. Putting your nose +to the grindstone isn't nice at any time, but it's awful when the gal +children turn. + +But that is only the beginning. They have struck for bigger things. In +the expressive language of the immortal JOHNNY MILTON, they are going +for the whole hog. They want to vote; some of them have been caught +repeating already; they want to sit on juries, and they want to go to +Congress. Heaven forbid that any of them should ever reach the House of +Representatives! Imagine the size of the _Congressional Globe_ if we +should send women there! Why, there would be as great a dearth of paper +in Washington as there is now in Paris. They want to shave you, dress +you, doctor you into your coffins, preach a funeral discourse over your +remains, and then take your will into the Surrogate's Court and fight +over the little property they have left you. + +They say all this means that they are our equals, and intend to show it. +Listen. In a town some hundreds of miles distant there is a law firm +whose sign reads thus: + + MRS. SMITH _and husband_. + +Shades of our forefathers! Ghost of BLUEBEARD! Spirit of HENRY VIII! can +this thing be? Imagine old LABAN'S daughter starting in business, and +hanging out a sign something like this: + + +-------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MRS. JACOB _and husband, | + | Having large orders from the West_, | + | SOLICIT CUSTOM. | + | N.B.--Gentlemen attended to by Mr. JACOB. | + | _The Original Mrs_. JACOB. | + | | + +-------------------------------------------+ + +Don't you suppose that JACOB, if he had found that sign over his +doorstep, would have raised a row, and if he had been overcome, don't +you suppose he would have wondered what he served those seven years for? + +Oh, young man, sitting by the side of that dainty damsel, looking so +spoonily into her deep blue eyes, playing so daintily with her golden +curls, sucking honey so frequently from her ruby lips, beware! _beware!_ +BEWARE! Remember, when she wants stamps, you can't put her off as your +pa did your ma. You can't say, "Business is awful dull," because she'll +do the business, and make you her book-keeper or porter or something of +that sort + +Petticoat government is all very well for those who like it. Some men go +through life playing a sort of insane tag, in which, first their +mothers' petticoats, and then their wives', are hunk, and they never +leave hunk. As for me, give me trouser government, or give me a first +class funeral procession with me for the corpse. + +Brethren, listen! Give me your ears! (the big ones first.) This thing +must be stopped _now_. Let us form an association for the suppression of +women, or a society for the prevention of cruelty to men. There is but +one way to cure this thing. Far out on the Western prairies dwells the +only sensible man on this continent. In the city ruled by him a man may +come home as tired as gin can make him, and his wife opens not her +mouth; he may jump over as many counters as he pleases, and none of his +wives will desire to go and do likewise. There she is the weaker vessel, +and it takes so many of her to equal one man, that she is kept in a +proper state of subjection. That's the secret; marry her a good deal. +The old maids are the ones who start the rows. Let them all be married +to some one man of a peaceable, loving, quiet disposition--say WENDELL +PHILLIPS. Let the President, if necessary, issue his proclamation making +the United States one vast Utah, and let us all be Young. + +LOT. + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I should tell you that I particularly excelled in +writing verses you'd hardly believe me. But such is the fact. I've sent +poem after poem to all the first-class magazines in the country, which, +if they'd been published, would have enabled me to pay my debts, and +start new accounts from Maine to Georgia. But they've never been +published--and why? It's jealousy. A child with half an eye can see +that. Those boss poets who get the big salaries, probably see my verses, +and pay the publishers a big price not to print 'em. + +How little the public know of the inside workings of these things! + +I'm disgusted with this trickery, and am going to shut right down on the +whole thing. Oh! they may howl, but not another line do they get! + +I'm going into the song business. That's something that isn't overdone. +I composed a perfect little gem lately. It is called "Lines on the death +of a child." I chose this subject because it is comparatively new. A few +have attempted it, but they betray a crudeness and lack of pathos +painful to witness. + +Whether I have supplied that deficiency or not is for the public, not +me, to judge. But if the public, or any other man, be he male or female, +thinks that by ribaldry and derision I can be induced to publish the +whole of this work before it's copyrighted, they're mistaken. The salt +that's going on the tail of this particular fowl ain't ripe yet. + +It's going to be set to music and it'll probably hatch a song. I called +on a publisher last week about it. + +"Don't you think," said I, "that it'll take 'em by storm?" + +"Worse than that," he replied. "It's a reg'lar _line_ gale." + +I knew he'd be enthusiastic about it. + +He said he hadn't got any notes in, that would fit it just then, but be +expected a lot in the next steamer, and I could have my choice. He was +very polite, and I thanked him kindly. + +Jealous as I am of my reputation, I am willing to stake it on this poem. +A man don't collect the obituary notices of one hundred infants and boil +'em down over a slow fire without something to be proud of, you know. + +Here is a sample of it: + + LINES ON THE DEATH OF A CHILD. + + "Tell me, dear mother, + Hast the swallows homeward flode + When the clock strikes nine? + Does our WILLIE'S spirit roam + In that home + Beyond the skies, + Along with LIZE? + Say, mother + Say--" + +The other verses are, if anything, better than this. If you are anxious +to publish this poem entire, why not leave out the pictures and all the +reading matter from PUNCHINELLO for two weeks, and show the public what +genius, brains, and ability can accomplish, unaided? If you publish it +in detachments, it weakens it, you see. If the verses can't lean against +each other, they pine away immediately. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG DEMOC TRYING TO PUT THE BIG SACHEM'S PIPE OUT. + +_Big Sachem_. "SAY, YOUNG MAN, AIN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'LL BURN YOUR +BREECHES?"] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG HAS HIS HEAD EXAMINED. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--The last time I visited a barber's shop I wanted my +hair trimmed. Being in somewhat of a hurry for the train, I told the +proprietor to cut it short. As a matter of course, I was left. As for my +hair, there was precious little of that left, though. Science was too +much for it. A hand-glass, brought to bear upon a mirror, opened up a +perspective of pretty much all the back country belonging to my skull, +that is seldom equalled outside the State Prison or the Prize Ring. + +I was indignant. I was so mad that my hair stood on end--voluntarily. +The barber talked soothingly of making a discount on the bill; and I, +looking at it in a strictly diplomatic light, gradually permitted myself +to grow calmer. He went further, and did the handsome thing by me--as if +it wasn't enough to cut under his price! A phrenologist by profession, +so he said, he had resorted to barbering simply for amusement, and under +the circumstances he would give me a professional sitting gratuitously. + +It has always been a cherished ambition with me to have my head surveyed +and staked out scientifically; SO I told him at once he might take it +and look it over. + +"My friend," said I, as I gracefully described an imaginary aureole +about my brain factory, "you abolish the poll-tax. I grant you full +leave to explore." + +This was the first time I ever had my head examined. The whole of me, it +is true, was once examined before a Trial Justice; but as that was years +ago, and it was "the other boy" that was to blame, I refrain from +incorporating the details into the history of our country. + +It occurred to me that old Scissors couldn't have been much of a +scholar; at all events he breathed very hard for an educated man, and he +had a rough, muscular way of moving his fingers about my upper story, +that made those regions ache every time he touched them. You may fancy +my feelings. I certainly didn't fancy _his_. + +For the benefit of those who come after us, (I don't refer to Sheriffs +and Constables, so much as I do to posterity,) I append a few results of +the gentleman's vigorous researches. + + * * * + +"There's a great deal of surface here; in fact, everybody that is +acquainted with this head must be struck at once with its superficial +contents." + +"Thickness--obvious. Great breadth between the ears, indicating +longevity. You will never die of teething, or cholera infantum; nor is +it likely you will ever become a murderess. + +"Forehead, large and imposing; that is, it might impose on people who +don't know you. + +"Your intellect may be pronounced massive, dropsical, in fact. You have +brilliant talents, but your bump of cash payments is remarkably small. + +"Locality, 20 to 30. You are always somewhere, or just going there. +Eventuality, 18 carat fine; absorption, 99 per cent. This means you will +eventually absorb a good deal of borrowed money. + +"I find here acquisitiveness and secretiveness enough to stock an entire +Board of Aldermen and a Congressional Committee." + +"Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a colossal +scale. Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you would be +in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country. + +"If I owned that sanguine temperament of yours, I should proceed at once +to marry into President GRANT'S family, and take some foreign mission. + +"You're a good feeder. Alimentiveness and order well developed. No man +better fitted to order a waiter around. From the immature condition of +your organ of benevolence, I shouldn't care, however, to be the waiter. + +"Self esteem doesn't seem to have been kept back by the drought. + +"Ideality, I discover from the depression in the S. W. corner, is +missing. Nature beautifully compensates this loss by making language +very full--more words than ideas. In profane language, I dare say, now, +you are particularly gifted. + +"In one respect your head resembles that of the Father of His Country. +It lacks adhesiveness. So does GEORGE'S--on the postage stamps. + +"Unlike most subjects, your organ of firmness is not confined to any one +spot, but is spread over the entire skull. This phenomenon is due to +your being what we technically call 'mule-headed'--a fine specimen +which--" + +"Excuse me," said I, unwilling any longer to impose on his good nature, +"I feel I must make sure of that other train, so I will just trouble you +for that organ of firmness and the rest of them. I never travel without +them." Then, hurrying all my phrenology into my hat, I started down the +street. + +I wonder he didn't say something about my memory's being below +par--somehow I quite forgot to pay him for shaving me. + +Yours, without recourse, + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY "HARD CIDER." + +THE PIPPINS OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY, (MESSRS. MORRISSEY, O'BRIEN, AND +FOX,) GETTING THEIR LAST SQUEEZE FROM GOVERNOR HOFFMAN.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM. + +He Strays among Sharpers, and "Sees the Elephant." + +There's many things in the big city which pleases me, and causes us +_all_ to feel hily tickled over our success as a Republic. + +At the present writin', many furrin' nations would give all their old +butes and shoes if, like us, they could throw their roolers overboard +every 4 years, and have a new deel. + +Our institutions are, many of 'em, sound: altho' I've diskivered to my +sorrer, that some of the inhabitants of New York are about as +puselanermus a set of dead-beats which ever stood up. + +While sojernin' here, my distinguished looks kicked up quite a sensation +wherever I put in an appearance. On one occasion, a man stepped up to me +who thought I was a banker, and richer than Creosote, and wanted me to +change a $100 bill. I diden't do it. Not much. No, sir-ee!--they +coulden't fool the old man on that ancient dodge. + +But, friend PUNCHINELLO, to my disgust and shagrin', I must acknolidge +the corn, and say, I hain't quite so soon as I allers give myself credit +for bein', as the sekel of this letter will show. + +Last Saturday P.M. I was a sailin' down Dye Street with my bloo cotton +umbreller under my arm, feelin' all so fine and so gay. + +When near the corner of West Street I turned around just in time to see +a ragged boy pick up a pocket-book. + +As the afoursaid boy started to run off, a well dressed lookin' man +ketched him by the cote coller. + +"What in thunder are you about?" says the boy. + +"That pocket-book belongs to this old gentleman," said the man, pintin' +to me. "I saw him drop it." + +"No it don't, nether," said the boy, tryin' to break away, "and I want +yer to let go my cote coller." + +The infatuated youth then tried his level best to jerk away, while his +capturer yanked and cuffed him, ontil the boy sot up a cryin'. + +I notissed as the youth turned around that he partly opened the wallet, +which was chock full of greenbax. + +A thought suddenly struck me. That 'ere boy looked as if he was depraved +enuff to steel the shoe-strings off'n the end of a Chinaman's cue, so +the Monongohalian's hair woulden't stay braided. + +Thinks I, if the young raskel should keep that pocket-book, like as not +he mite buy a fashinable soot of close and enter on a new career of +crime, and finally fetch up as a ward polertician. + +I must confess, that as I beheld that wallet full of bills, my mouth did +water rather freely, and I made up my mind, if wuss come to wusser, I +would not allow too much _temptashun_ to get in that boy's way. The man +turned to me and says: + +"Stranger, this is your pocket-book, for I'le swear I saw you drop it." + +What could a poor helpless old man like me do in euch a case, Mister +PUNCHINELLO? That man was willin' to sware that I dropped it, and I +larnt enuff about law, when I was Gustise of the Peece, to know I +coulden't swear I diden't drop it, and any court would decide agin me; +at the same time my hands itched to get holt of the well filled wallet. + +I trembled all over for fear a policeman, who was standin' on the +opposite corner, mite come over and stick in his lip. + +But no! like the wooden injuns before cigar stores, armed with a +tommyhawk and scalpin' knife, these city petroleums, bein' rather +slippery chaps, hain't half so savage as they look. + +When the boy heerd the man say I owned the pocket-book he caved in, and +began to blubber. Said he, whimperin': + +"Well--I--want--a--re--ward--for--findin' the--pocket-bo--hoo--ok." + +The well dressed individual, still holdin' onto the boy, then said to +me: + +"My friend, I'me a merchant, doin' bizziness on Broadway, at 4-11-44. +You've had a narrer escape from losin' your pocket-book. Give this rash +youth $50, to encourage him in bein' honest in the futer, and a glorious +reward awaits you. Look at me, sir!" said he, vehemently; "the turnin' +pint of my life was similar to this depraved youth's; but, sir! a reward +from a good lookin', beneverlent old gent like you, made a man of me, +and to-day I'me President of a Society for the _Penny-Ante_ corruption +of good morrils,' and there hain't a judge in the city who wouldn't give +me a home for the pleasure of my company." + +Such a man, I knew, woulden't lie about seein' me drop that pocket-book. +I took another look at the Guardian (?) of the public peace, morrils, +etc., who, when he was on his _Beat_, haden't the least objection to +anybody else bein' on _their beat_. He wasen't lookin' our way, but was +star-gazin', seein' if the sines was rite for him to go and take another +drink. + +"You are sure you saw me drop this wallet?" said I, addressin' the +President of the Penny-antee Society. + +"I'le take my affidavy on it," said he. + +I pulled out $50 and handed it to the boy, who handed me the pocket-book. + +"Mrs. GREEN! Mrs. GREEN!" soliloquised I, as I walked away, feelin' as +rich as if I held a good fat goverment offis, "if you could only see +your old man now, methinks you'd feel sorry that you hid all of his +close one mornin' last spring, so he coulden't go and attend a barn +raisin'. Yes, madam, your talented husband has struck ile." + +I stepped in a stairway to count my little fortin. I was very much +agitated. The wallet was soon opened; when-- + +"Ye ministers fallen from grace, defend us!" was the first exclamation +which bust 4th from my lips; for I hope to be flambusticated if I hadn't +gone and paid $50 for a lot of brown paper, rapt up into patent medesin +advertisements, printed like greenbax. + +For a few minnits I was crazier than a loon. + +I rusht madly into the street, runnin' into an old apple woman, nockin' +her "gally west." + +I quickly jumped to my feet and begun hollerin': + +"Murder! Thieves! Robbers!" + +The Policemen scattered, while a crowd of ragged urchins colected about +me. "My youthful vagabones," roared I, as loud as I could scream, "bring +along your stuffed wallets. The market price of brown paper is $50 an +ounce on call.--If you are lookin' for a greenhorn, I'me your man." + +I then broke my umbreller over a lamp-post, and button-hold a passer by, +offerin him a $100 if he'd send me to a loonatic asilum. + +Seein' a sine on the opposite corner which read: "Weigher's Office," I +rusht wildly in, and said to a man: + +"Captin, I've been _litened_. If you've got such a thing as a pair of +apothecary's scales about your premises, dump me on and give me the +figgers." + +I then tried to jump through a winder, but the man caught me by the cote +tails, and haulin' me back, sot me down into a cheer. + +I soon got cooled down, when I told the man how I'de been swindled, and +asked him what I had better do. + +"Do?" said he, laffin' as if heed bust. "My advice is, for you to take +the next train for your home, and then charge your loss to the acc't of +seein' the elefant." + +It hain't often I git took in, but that time I was swallered, +specturcals, white hat and all, as slick as if I'de been buttered all +over. + +I don't intend to let Mrs. GREEN know anything about this little +adventoor, but just as like as not, some day when I hain't thinking she +will worm it out of me, when Mariar will no doubt say: + +"Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that's what you git for stoppin' +takin' the weekly noosepapers, because they won't print the darned +nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and asleep." + +Ewers, lite as a fether, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + + * * * * * + + +A Serious Complication. + +The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in a +magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the +story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." Vernacularly, +this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it puzzles one to think +why the acquisition of wealth should subject the holder of it to the +liability of being kicked. + + * * * * * + +Enough Said. + +"Modern physiologists," said the Doctor, "have arrived at the conclusion +that man begins as a cell." + +"And what about woman?" returned the Scalper, "doesn't she begin as a +sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?" + +"She does," replied the doctor. + + * * * * * + +A Relative Question. + +Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun come +within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly +connected? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.] + + * * * * * + +A CRABBED HISTORY. + +Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs. A dainty succulent soft +shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the eye of the +epicure and makes his mouth water. Even a hard shell is not to be +despised when no other is attainable. We eat them with great gusto, +thinking they are "so nice," without considering for a moment that they +have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended for any other +purpose than the gratification of our palate. But that is a mistake +which I will try to rectify in order that the _bon vivant_ may enjoy +hereafter the pleasures of a mental and bodily feast conjointly. + +Most crabs are hatched from eggs, and begin life in a very small way. +They float round in the water, at first, without really knowing what +they are about. They have but little sense to start with, but after a +while improve and begin to strike out in a blind instinctive way, which, +after a few efforts, resolves itself into real genuine swimming. They +commence walking about the same time. Awkward straggling steps, to be +sure, but they get over the ground, and that is the most they care for. + +When they are about a month old they begin to feel that life has its +realities, and that they must do something towards the end for which +they were made. The thought is faint at first, but by degrees grows +weightier, till at last they can stand it no longer, and, making a great +effort to throw off the incubus of babyhood that weighs so heavily upon +them, they burst open the back door of their shell and slowly creep out +backwards. It takes about five minutes for them to get entirely out, +head, legs and all, and then for a moment or two they gaze in +stupefaction at their old shell, amazed to find that they have, by their +own efforts, unaided and alone, accomplished such a wonderful change. + +The thought is overwhelming. It fills them with pride; rejoicingly they +exult, and swell with gratification. This state of self-gratulation +lasts about twenty minutes, at the end of which time they have increased +their bulk to nearly double its former size, and they remain so. + +They can't get back into the old shell now, for it won't fit them, and +as there is no other for them to go into, the only thing left for them +to do is to build another house. + +It takes three or four days before they get fairly to work, and during +this time they are called soft-shell crabs. This stage is particularly +dangerous to the delicate creatures, for they, in their tender beauty, +are so attractive to hungry fishes that it is really a wonder any +escape. Tender, helpless, innocent and beautiful, they are almost sure +to be victimized and gormandized. + +Some, however, escape the fate intended for them, and in a few days +begin to enjoy life in a crabbed sort of a way. Another month passes on. +They become restless and uneasy, and feel that it won't do to stay too +long in one place. They think they had better make another change, and +so this time, in a more self-confident manner, they pack up and move out +at the back door again. They are no more provident now, however, than +they were at first, for, after having given up the old house, they have +no new one to move into. They are not troubled as we are with +house-hunting; they are good builders, and can make one to suit +themselves. A wise provision of nature, for these interesting creatures +are really obliged monthly to go out doors to grow. + +This state is to them doubly dangerous. Mankind they always have to +fear, but now they are tempting to their own race. A wicked old crab +goes out for a stroll. The walk gives him an appetite; he looks around +for something to eat and spies a younger brother just moving. +Treacherously be plants himself behind a stone or shell, and watches the +process, chuckling in his inmost stomach over the dainty meal in +prospect. The youthful one has just got clear of his old home and its +restraints, and is delighting in his freedom, when up walks the vampire, +strikes him a blow on his defenceless head, knocks the life out of him, +and then sits down to a dinner of soft-shell crab. He is an old +sportsman, and enjoys exceedingly the meal gained by his own prowess. + +Dinner over, he wipes his claws on the muddy table-cloth and walks out +for his digestion. Off in the distance he spies a young gentleman crab +making love to a beautiful female. He looks at her with a discriminating +eye. Sees she is fair to look upon, and thinks he would like to be +acquainted. He makes several sideway moves in the direction, ungraceful, +but satisfactory to himself, and as he advances his admiration +increases, his courage improves; he feels almost heroic. The observant +lover with staring eyes perceives the advancing strides of another +gentleman crab, and instantly, seized with jealous fears, clasps his +_inamorata_ to his shelly breast with his numerous little legs, holds +her tightly so that she can't fall, and walks off on his hands. + +The old cannibal observes the change of base, feels insulted at the +implied distrust, and resolves to have satisfaction. Increasing his +efforts, he soon overtakes the runaway lovers, challenges his rival by +giving him a dig with his claw, and tells him to "come out and show +himself a crab." Of course no crab of spirit is going to receive an +insult before his beloved and not resent it; with one painful quiver of +his little legs, he sets the lady crab down, and then the two amorous +lovers proceed to deadly combat. Love strengthens the young crab's +heart. Justice nerves his arm; and soon a lucky blow from the sharp claw +pierces in a vital part the hardened sinner, who, with a gulp, gives up +the contest and his life at once. + +An exultant shout bubbles up in the water, and then the heroic defender +of crabbed maidenhood leads his beloved to view the remains of this +ravager of hard-shell rights. + +They rejoice over the fallen adversary a while, and then, to make their +happiness more complete, and to prosper his wooing, the victor invites +his love to dine on the tender part of the victim. + +The invitation is gladly accepted, and they enjoy a delicious meal, +rendered doubly tasteful from the fact that they are feasting on an +enemy. + +The facts deduced from the above history prove that crabs have tastes +and feelings just as mankind have. They are gallant to their females; +never engage in combat with the weaker sex; fight and kill each other +when angry; love good eating, and are cannibalistic--which last habit +they may have learned from their ancestors of the Feejee Islands. + + * * * * * + +BAITED BREATH.--That of the boy who had "wums fur bait" in his mouth. + + * * * * * + +OCTOBER JOTTINGS. + +Attracted by the dulcet strains of a brass band, a day or two since, +PUNCHINELLO ascended to the summit of the N.E. tower of his residence, +looking from which he beheld a target company all with crimson shirts +ablaze marching up the Bowery. Then, glancing over towards Long Island, +he observed that Nature was already assuming her russet robes, which +circumstance, combined with that of the target company, reminded him +that the shooting season had just commenced. A few hints to young +sportsmen, then, from so old a one as PUNCHINELLO, will not, be hopes, +be taken amiss--not even though, in shooting phrase, a miss is generally +as good as a mile. + +Before taking the field, look well to your shooting-irons. +Fowling-pieces are far more apt to Get Foul while they are lying away +during the off season, than when they are taken out for a day's sport by +the fowlers. + +On releasing your gun from its summer prison, always examine it +carefully, to ascertain whether it is loaded. This you can do by looking +down into the barrel and touching the trigger with your toe. If your +head is blown off, then you may be sure that the gun was loaded. +Otherwise not. + +Should your gun be a breech-loader, always load it at the muzzle. This +will show that you know better than the man who made it, or, at least, +that he is no better than you. + +If you are a novice in gunnery it will be safest for you to put the shot +in before the powder. By doing this you will not only provide against +possible accidents, but will secure for yourself the reputation of being +a very safe man to go out shooting with. + +When you go out with your gun, always dress in a shootable costume. For +instance, if you want to bag lots of Dead Rabbits, TWEED will be the +best stuff you can wear--especially about November 8th, on which day you +will be certain to find Some Quail about the polling places. (N.B. They +are beginning to quail already.) + +The best time to acquire the art of shooting flying is fly time. Always +carry a whiskey flask about you, so that you can practice at Swallows. + +When you hear the drum of the ruffed grouse, steal silently through the +thicket and let drive in the direction of the sound. Should you bring +down a target company instead of a ruffed grouse, so much the better. It +will only be bagging ruffs of another kind, and by silencing their drums +you will have conferred an obligation upon humanity. + +There is much diversity of opinion regarding the best kind of dog for +fowling purposes. It all depends upon what work you want your dog to do +for you. If you want to have birds pointed, a pointer is best for your +purpose. If set, a setter. But if you want a dog that will go in and +kill without either pointing or setting, be sure that the Iron Dog is +the dog for your money. You can procure one of Staunch Blood by +application at Police Head-Quarters. + +Before going out for a day's sport, resolve yourself into a committee of +one for the preservation of choice ornithological specimens. By this we +do not mean that you are to set up in business as a taxidermist, but +that you are bound--if a true sportsman--to protect the song birds, and +the birds that are useful in destroying noxious vermin, and all the +beautiful feathered creatures that ornament our woods, and fields, and +parks, from the depredations of the ignorant, loutish, pestilent, +pernicious pot-hunter. The Sportsmen's Clubs that have been organized +throughout the country should be supported by every true sportsman; and +if you lay a thick stick vigorously across the back of the first fool +you see about to kill Cock Robin, you will have established a very +efficacious Sportsman's Club of your own, and will have earned the best +regards of Mr. PUNCHINELLO to boot--by which he means, if you choose, +that you have his leave and license to boot the fellow into the bargain. + + * * * * * + +MORE ABOUT CHIGNONS. + +The chignon is coming to the front again. By this we do not mean that it +is worn, or likely to be worn before--in saying which the word "before" +is not used by us in its acceptation of previously, but in that of +front; although, now that we come to think of it, the _chignon_ +certainly has been worn before, as may be seen by consulting +old-fashioned prints, in which it is shown worn behind. This, to the +ordinary mind, may seem rather confused; and so it is; but what else +could you expect from a writer when he has got _chignon_ upon the brain? + +For newspapers the _chignon_ is just now a teeming subject. Every day or +so somebody writes to a paper, saying that be has discovered a new kind +of parasite, hatched by the genial warmth of woman's nape from some +deleterious padding or other used in the manufacture of her _chignon_. +Sometimes it is vegetable stuff, sometimes animal, but it always teems +with pedicular creatures akin to that low and vulgar kind not usually +recognized in polite society. All these horrors come and and don't make +much difference in the _chignon_ market; but PUNCHINELLO has a new one +that is calculated to create a sensation--about the nape of the female +neck--and here it is. + +In the beech forests of Hungary, as is well known to Danubian explorers, +there exists a very remarkable breed of pigs, one of their peculiarities +being that they are covered with wool instead of with bristles. These +pigs are shorn regularly every year, like sheep. Their wool, which is +very stiff and curly, is used for stuffing cushions and mattresses of +the cheap and nasty kind. Since _chignons_ have come into fashion, a +vast amount of pig's wool has been imported for their manufacture. By +microscopic investigation the wool of the Hungary pig has been found +swarming with _trichinae_; to a fearful extent. Now, it is easy to +imagine that the _trichinae_ obtained from a hungry pig must be of a +very insatiable and ravenous disposition, and this is but too often +realized by the silly wearers of the porcine _chignons_, into whose +brains, (when they happen to have any,) the horrible little parasites +worm their way in myriads, rendering their hapless victims pig-headed to +an extent that defies description either with pen or pencil. + +The Pig-faced Woman exhibited some time ago in Europe was once a very +pretty girl, her hideous deformity being the result of wearing a +_chignon_ stuffed with Hungary pigs' wool. + +In purchasing a pig _chignon_, then, the Girl of the Period had better +look out that she does not get "too much pork for a shilling." + + * * * * * + +MATCHING THE MATCHLESS. + +Matchmaking has always been traditionally supposed to be the chief end +of woman. No wonder that, with the spread of the new theories of woman's +rights, therefore, we find them invading departments of industry which +were formerly supposed to be peculiarly the domain of the stronger sex. +We have recently seen running matches, swimming matches, rowing matches, +and other fancy matches, made by women. And why not? The women are wise +in thus preparing themselves for proficiency in the arts of primary +elections, ballot stuffing and the rest, incidental to untrammelled +suffrage. + +In regard to this, also, it may not be amiss to suggest that this +passion for match-making lies at the bottom of the recent increase in +divorce, which so alarms some timid moralists. Certain it is that easy +divorce enlarges the opportunities for its gratification, and to be +"fancy" and "free" is no longer a charm peculiar only to "maiden +meditation." + + * * * * * + +HISTORY FACTORY. + +Card to the Public. + +The undersigned, having recently increased their facilities for the +manufacture of History upon an unusually large scale, would hereby +announce to their patrons and the public in general that they have +associated with them Messrs. VICTOR EMANUEL and General TROCHU. + +LOUIS NAPOLEON, + +M. BISMARCK, + +WM. O'PRUSSIA, + + * * * * * + +Commercial. + +A proof of the present great depression in the Whaling business is the +fact that the editor of the _Sun_ still walks about unflogged. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HORSE-CAR AMENITIES. + +_Conductor_. "Wanted to get off, did you?--Then why in thunder didn't +you say so?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CHOICE OF PARIS (IN AMERICA.) + + One drink, dear friend, before we part-- + Before I tempt the shining sea; + One drink to pledge each constant heart-- + Yet stay, what shall the tipple be? + + My eyes are dazed with bar-room "signs" + In which, I pray, shall friendship conquer? + Can alien I drink "native" wines? + Are Jew-lips Christian tipple, _mon coeur_? + + This "cobbler"--is't a heeling drink? + A "smash" were surely inauspicious; + _Toute de-suite_, two "sours"--yet I think + Ah! _qu'est-ce-qui c'est!_--acetate is vicious! + + _Garçon!_ two "skins"--the name is 'cute--- + You Yankees "twig" the pharmaceutical; + But hold! art sure the flay-vor'll suit? + Will it not smack too much of cuticle? + + No, boy, no "skins." Let's try some beer, + A milder fluid for to-day; + Ottawa bring us--_c'est à dire_, + Some beer that keeps the 'ot away. + + No? Well, some ale: in limpid Bass + We'll drown our thirst and parting grief; + Come drink--_arretez!_ this _must_ pass-- + 'Twould look too much like bas-relief! + + The hour arrives; our lips are dry; + What _shall_ it be? Oh, name it for me! + A _tasse_ of gin? I drink and fly + To toss upon the ocean stormy. + + * * * * * + + +"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER." + +Freedom of action is one of the greatest boons enjoyed by mankind in +modern days. Its rate of progress is encouraging, especially since the +Liberal Club of this city has taken it under its protection. It is a +very significant association, is the Liberal Club; rather iconoclastic, +to be sure, but only a little ahead of the times, perhaps, in that +respect; Some of our cherished forms of speech have already been +rendered obsolete by the Liberal Club. It used to be such a clincher to +say, when one wanted to enforce a point by indicating an impossibility, +"I will eat my boots unless"--etc., etc. That clincher has gone to the +place whither good clinchers go, forever. At a late meeting of the +Liberal Club, Professor VAN DER WEYDE contributed to the evening +collation a pudding made of an old boot. The pudding was garnished with +the wooden pegs that had kept the boot together, sole and body, while it +walked the earth. The boot-jack with which the original source of the +pudding used to be pulled off was also exhibited, and excited great +interest. It is the intention, of the Professor to subject this +implement to some process by which it will be resolved into farina, or +sawdust, and then to make a Jack Pudding of it. Many of the ladies and +gentlemen present partook of the boot pudding, and pronounced it +excellent. One lady, (a member of Sorosis, we believe,) said that she +thought it tasted like a pear. The Professor assured her, however, that +he had used but one boot in making it, not a pair. Altogether, the +pudding was a success. Freedom of action had been vindicated, and the +absurd prejudice that had hitherto prevented men from utilizing their +old boots as food, except in extreme cases, was shattered with one blow. + + * * * * * + +PANOPLY FOR OUR POLICE. + +PUNCHINELLO felicitates the Municipal Police Force on the magnificent +new shields with which the manly breasts of its members are decorated. +Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO considers it sheer mockery to call that a +shield by which nothing is shielded. A buckle might as well be called a +buckler as the policeman's badge a shield. Already our noble skirmishers +of the side-walk are fully provided for the offensive, and, considering +the risks run by them from the roughs, the toughs and the gruffs, it is +high time that they were furnished with something in the defensive line. +Curb-chain undershirts have been suggested, but an objection to their +use is that links of them are apt to be carried into the interior +anatomy by pistol bullets, thus introducing a surplus of iron into the +blood,--an accession which is apt to steel the heart of the officer thus +experimented on, and so render him deaf to the cries of innocence in +distress. PUNCHINELLO suggests, then, that the policeman's shield should +_be_ a shield. Let it be made sufficiently large to cover the most +vulnerable portion of the person, as shown in the annexed design. If +made of gong-metal, so much the better, as the wearer could then ring +out signals upon it with his locust far more effectively than by the +present ridiculous mode of beating up rowdydow upon the flag-stones. +Although our gallant Municipal Blue is never backward in facing danger, +yet it might be judicious for him to wear a shield upon his back as well +as upon his front, because it is just possible that, in case of a row, +his large, heavy boots might be conveying him away in a direction +diametrically opposite to the spot at which the shooting was going on. + +[Illustration] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | GENTLEMENS' HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LADIES LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemens' | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 8th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED | + | | + | A Splendid Assortment of | + | | + | PARIS MADE DRESSES, | + | | + | From Worth E Pingnet and other Celebrated | + | Makers | + | | + | ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS, | + | OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE, | + | | + | Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not | + | superior, to any in this city. | + | | + | Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats | + | Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot's and other | + | Modletes of the highest Parisian standing. | + | | + | The Prices of the Above are Extremely | + | Attractive. | + | | + | BROADWAY | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains. | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | GRAY MIXED SUITS, | + | MADE OF BEST QUALITY FRINGED CHEVIOT | + | SUITINGS, $8 EACH. | + | | + | Scotch Plaid Fringed Suits, | + | VERY HANDSOME, ALSO $8 EACH. | + | | + | WATERPROOF SUITS, | + | WITH DEEP OVERSKITS, $10 EACH. | + | | + | A LARGE STOCK OF | + | POPLIN ALPACA SUITS, | + | CHOICE SHADES OF COLOR, | + | From $12 each upward. | + | | + | Heavy Rich | + | SILK AND POPLIN SUITS, | + | ELEGANTLY TRIMMED, FROM $60 EACH UPWARD | + | | + | ONE CASE PARIS-MADE SUITS, | + | One Case Handsome Millinery, | + | THREE CASES CHILDREN'S | + | Part, and London Made | + | | + | Dresses, Suits, Robes and Underwear, | + | One Case Pattern Velvet and Cloth. | + | Cloaks, Sacques and Richly Embroidered | + | Breakfast Jackets, | + | | + | AT VERY ATTRACTIVE PRICES. | + | | + | BROADWAY | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) . . $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) . . . 2.00 | + | " " three months, . . . . . . . . . . . 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 | + | | + | | + | "We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for. . . . . . $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | _Wild Roses._ 12-1/8 x 9. | + | | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/5 x 10-1/4--for. . . . . . . . . $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. | + | Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 | + | | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; | + | The Unconscious Sleeper; | + | The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4 | + | | + | Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | + | | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | + | | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and | + | | + | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | + | price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | + | | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | --for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AGGRAVATING. + +_Sidewalk Merchant_. "BUY A BUNDLE OF TOOTHPICKS, BOSS--ONLY THREE +CENTS." _Old Gent_. "TOOTHPICKS?--WHY, I'VE JUST BIN AND HAD MY LAST +TOOTH OUT!"] + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | AND | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | PRINTING, | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | STATIONERY, | + | Make all kinds of | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | Makes the Best and Cheapest | + | ENVELOPES | + | Ever offered to the Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + |States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have | + | INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the | + | most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, | + | with all Lines | + | By Rail or River | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, | + | ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | + | of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | | + | PRICE $2. 50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies,......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written Expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, | + | one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783 | + | | + | 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October +15, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 29 *** + +***** This file should be named 10047-8.txt or 10047-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/4/10047/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October 15, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 11, 2003 [EBook #10047] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 29 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><b><big><big>CONANT'S</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <b>Lettered & Stamped,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </b> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <b>83 Nassau Street.</b> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img src="images/33.jpg" alt=""><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 29.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="7" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">APPLICATIONS +FOR ADVERTISING IN</small><br> + <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">SHOULD +BE ADDRESSED TO</small><br> +JOHN NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p><b>No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y.</b></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b><big><big>FOLEY'S</big></big><br> + <big><big><big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></big></b><br> +THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.<br> + <b>256 BROADWAY.</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p><b>AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,</b></p> + <p><small>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>FORST & AVERELL</big></big></p> + <p>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press</p> + <p><big><big>PRINTERS,</big></big><br> + <b>EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS.</b></p> + <p><small>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><b>23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold +Street,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> +[P.O. BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big><br> +33 BROADWAY,<br> + <b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i><br> +REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.<br> +WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><b>A MONTHLY JOURNAL</b><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler.</small></p> + <p><small>The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, +having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American +reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of +the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which +shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, +experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country.</small></p> + <p><small>The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the +reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to +approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO +COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per +number. Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON</p> + <p>begs to announce to the friends of</p> + <p><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></p> + <p><small>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, +he has made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</small></p> + <p><b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</b></p> + <p><small>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</small></p> + <p><small>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OFFICE OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>83 Nassau Street.</p> + <p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="3"> + <p><small>A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK.</small><br> + <b>MATERNITY</b><br> +A POPULAR TREATISE<br> +For Young Wives and Mothers</p> + <p><b>BY T. S. VERDI, A. M., M. D., OF WASHINGTON, D. C.</b></p> + <p><small><small>Dr. VERDI is a well-known and successful +Homoeopathic Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large +experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own practice, +as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young Mothers, and an assistant +to the family physician. It deals skilfully, sensibly, and delicately +with the perplexities of early married life, as connected with the holy +duties of Maternity, giving information which women must have, either +in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as +this—evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a delicate and +sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but without offense to the +most fastidious taste, the style of this book must commend it to +careful perusal. It treats of the needs, dangers, and alleviations of +the time of travail; and gives extended detailed instructions for the +care and medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the +perils of early life.</small></small></p> + <p><small><small>As a Mother's Manual, it will hare a large sale, +and as a book of special and reliable information on very important +topics, it will be heartily welcomed.</small></small></p> + <p><small>Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, +extra English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25.</small></p> + <p><small><i>For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent +post-paid on receipt of the price by</i></small></p> + <p><b>J. B. FORD & CO., Publishers, 39 Park Row, New York.</b></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p><b>CHAPTER XXII.—(Continued.)</b></p> + <p>When Miss POTTS and Mr. SIMPSON rejoined Mr. DIBBLE, in the +office of the latter, across the street, it was decided that the +flighty young girl should be made less expensive to her friends by +temporary accommodation in an economical boarding-house, and that the +Gospeler, returning to Bumsteadville, should persuade Miss CAROWTHERS +to come and stay with her until the time for the reopening of the +Macassar Female College.</p> + <p>Subsequently, with his homeless ward upon his arm, the +benignant old lawyer underwent a series of scathing rebuffs from the +various high-strung descendants of better days at whose once luxurious +but now darkened homes he applied for the desired board. Time after +time was he reminded, by unspeakably majestic middle-aged ladies with +bass voices, that when a fine old family loses its former wealth by +those vicissitudes of fortune which bring out the noblest traits of +character and compel the letting-out of a few damp rooms, it is +significant of a weak understanding, or a depraved disrespect of the +dignity of adversity, to expect that such families shall lose money and +lower their hereditary high tone by waiting upon a parcel of young +girls. A few Single Gentlemen desiring all the comforts of a home would +not be considered insulting unless they objected to the butter, and a +couple of married Childless Gentlemen with their wives might be +pardoned for respectfully applying; but the idea of a parcel of young +girls! Wherever he went, the reproach of not being a few Single +Gentlemen, or a, couple of married Childless Gentlemen with their +wives, abashed Mr. DIBBLE into helpless retreat; while FLORA'S +increasing guilty consciousness of the implacable sentiment against her +as a parcel of young girls, culminated at last in tears. Finally, when +the miserable lawyer was beginning to think strongly of the House of +the Good Shepherd, or the Orphan Asylum, as a last resort, it suddenly +occurred to him that Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, a distant widowed aunt of his +clerk, Mr. BLADAMS, had been known to live upon boarders in Bleecker +Street; and thither he dragged hastily the despised object on his arm.</p> + <p>Being a widow without children, and relieved of nearly all the +weaknesses of her sex by the systematic refusal of the opposite sex to +give her any encouragement in them, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN was a relentless +advocate of Woman's Inalienable Rights, and only wished that Man could +just see himself in that contemptible light in which he was distinctly +visible to One who, sooner than be his Legal Slave, would never again +accompany him to the Altar.</p> + <p>"I tell you candidly, DIBBLE," said she, in answer to his +application, "that if you had applied to be taken yourself, I should +have said 'Never!' and at once called in the police. Since SKAMMERHORN +died delirious, I have always refused to have his sex in the house, and +I tell you, frankly, that I consider it hardly human. If this girl of +yours, however, and the elderly female whom, you say, she expects to +join her in a few days, will make themselves generally useful about the +house, and try to be companions to me, I can give them the very room +where SKAMMERHORN died."</p> + <p>Perceiving that FLORA turned pale, her guardian whispered to +her that she would not be alone in the room, at any rate; and then +respectfully asked whether the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN had ever been seen +around the house since his death?</p> + <p>"To be frank with you," answered the widow, "I did think that +I came upon him once in the closet, with his back to me, as often I'd +seen the weak creature in life going after a bottle on the top shelf. +But it was only his coat hanging there, with his boots standing below +and my muff hanging over to look like his head."</p> + <p>"You think, then," said Mr. DIBBLE, inquiringly, "that it is +such a room as two ladies could occupy, without awaking at midnight +with a strange sensation and thinking they felt a supernatural +presence?"</p> + <p>"Not if the bed was rightly searched beforehand, and all the +joints well peppered with magnetic powder," was the assuring answer.</p> + <p>"Could we see the room, madam?"</p> + <p>"If the shutters were open you could; as they're not;" +returned the widow, not offering to stir; "but ever since SKAMMERHORN, +starting up with a howl, said 'Here he comes again, red-hot!' and tried +to jump out of the window, I've never opened them for any single man, +and never shall. I couldn't bear it, DIBBLE, to see one of your sex in +that room again, and hope you will not insist."</p> + <p>Broken in spirit as he was by preceding humiliations, the old +lawyer had not the heart to contest the point, and it was agreed, that, +upon the arrival of Miss CAROWTHERS from Bumsteadville, she and FLORA +should accept the memorable room in question.</p> + <p>Upon their way back to the hotel, guardian and ward met Mr. +BENTHAM, who, from the moment of becoming a character in their Story, +had been possessed with that mysterious madness for open-air exercise +which afflicted every acquaintance of the late EDWIN DROOD, and now +saluted them in the broiling street and solemnly besought their company +for a long walk. "It has occurred to me," said the Comic Paper man, who +had resumed his black worsted gloves, "that Mr. DIBBLE and Miss POTTS +may be willing to aid me in walking-off some of the darker suicidal +inclinations incident to first-class Humorous Journalism in America. +Reading the 'proof' of an instalment of a comic serial now publishing +in my paper, I contracted such gloom, that a frantic rush into the +fresh air was my only hope of on escape from self-destruction. Let us +walk, if you please."</p> + <p>Led on, in the profoundest melancholy, by this chastened +character, Mr. DIBBLE and the Flowerpot were presently toiling hotly +through a succession of grievous side-streets, and forlorn short-cuts +to dismal ferries; the state of their conductor's spirits inclining him +to find a certain refreshingly solemn joy in the horrors of +pedestrianism imposed by obstructions of merchandise on side-walks, and +repeated climbings over skids extending from store doors to drays. +Inspired to an extraordinary flow of malignant animal spirits by the +complexities of travel incident to the odorous mazes of some hundred +odd kegs of salt mackerel and boxes of brown soap impressively stacked +before one very enterprising Commission house, Mr. BENTHAM lightened +the journey with anecdotes of self-made Commission men who had risen in +life by breaking human legs and city ordinances; and dwelt emotionally +upon the scenes in the city hospitals where ladies and gentlemen were +brought in, with nails from the hoops of sugar-hogsheads sticking into +their feet, or limbs dislocated from too-loftily piled firkins of +butter falling upon them. Through incredible hardships, and amongst +astounding complications of horse-cars, target companies, and barrels +of everything, Mr. BENTHAM also amused his friends with circuits of +several of the fine public markets of New York; explaining to them the +relations of the various miasmatic smells of those quaint edifices with +the various devastating diseases of the day, and expatiating quite +eloquently upon the political corruption involved in the renting of the +stalls, and the fine openings there were for Cholera and Yellow Fever +in the Fish and Vegetable departments. Then, as a last treat, he led +his panting companions through several lively up-hill blocks of +drug-mills and tobacco firms, to where they had a distant view of a +tenement house next door to a kerosene factory, where, as he +vivaciously told them, in the event of a fire, at least one hundred +human beings would be slowly done to a turn. After which all three +returned from their walk, firmly convinced that an unctuous vein of +humor had been conscientiously worked, and abstractedly wishing +themselves dead.<a name="FNanchor1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a></p> + <p>The exhilarating effect of the genial Comic Paper man upon +FLORA did not, indeed, pass away, until she and Miss CAROWTHERS were in +their appointed quarters under the roof of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, whither +they went immediately upon the arrival of the elder spinster from +Bumsteadville.</p> + <p>"It could have been wished, my good woman," said Miss +CAROWTHERS, casting a rather disparaging look around the death-chamber +of the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN, "that you had assigned to educated single +young ladies, like ourselves, an apartment less suggestive of Man in +his wedded aspects. The spectacle of a pair of pegged boots sticking +out from under a bed, and a razor and a hone grouped on the +mantle-shelf, is not such as I should desire to encourage in the +dormitory of a pupil under my tuition."</p> + <p>"That's much to be deplored, I'm sure, CAROWTHERS," returned +Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, severely, "and sorry am I that I ever married, on +that particular account. I'd not have done it, if you'd only told me. +But, seeing that I married SKAMMERHORN, and then he died delirious, his +boots and razor must remain, just as he often wished to throw the +former at me in his ravings. Once married is enough, say I; and those +who never were, through having no proposals, must bear with those who +have, and take things as they come."</p> + <p>"There are those, I'd have you know, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, to whom +proposals have been no inducement," said Miss CAROWTHERS, sharply; "or, +if being made, and then withdrawn, have given our sex opportunities to +prove, in courts of law, that damages can still be got. I'm afraid of +no Man, my good woman, as a person named BLODGETT once learned from a +jury; but boots and razors are not what I would have familiar to the +mind of one who never had a husband to die in raging torments, nor yet +has sued for breach."</p> + <p>"Miss POTTS is but a chicken, I'll admit," retorted Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN; "but you're not such, CAROWTHERS, by many a good year. On +the contrary, quite a hen. Then, you being with her, if the boots and +razor make her think she sees that poor, weak SKAMMERHORN a-ranging +round the room, when in his grave it is his place to be, you've only +got to say: 'A fool you are, and always were,'—as often I, myself, +called at him in his lifetime,—and off he'll go into his tomb again for +fear of broomsticks."</p> + <p>"FLORA, my dear," said Miss CAROWTHERS, turning with dignity +to her pupil, "if I know anything of human nature, the man who has once +got away from here, will stay away. Only single ghosts have attachments +for the houses in which they once lived. So, never mind the boots and +razor, darling; which, after all, if seen by peddlers, or men who come +to fix the gas, might keep us safe from robbers."</p> + <p>"As safe as any man himself, young woman, with pistols under +his head that he would never dare to fire if robbers were no more than +cats rampaging," added Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, enthusiastically. "With +nothing but an old black hat of SKAMMERHORN'S, and walking-cane, kept +hanging in the hall, I haven't lost a spoon by tramps or census takers +for six mortal years. So, make yourselves at home, I beg you both, +while I go down and cook the liver for our dinner. You'll find it +tender as a chicken, after what you've broke your teeth upon in +boarding-schools; though SKAMMERHORN declared it made him bilious in +the second year, forgetting what he'd drank with sugar to his taste, +beforehand."</p> + <p>Thus was sweet FLORA POTTS introduced to her new home; where, +but for looking down from her windows at the fashions, making-up +hundreds of bows of ribbons for her neck, and making-over all her +dresses, her woman's mind must have been a blank. What time Miss +CAROWTHERS told her all day how she looked in this or that style of +wearing her hair, and read her to sleep each night with extracts from +the pages of cheery HANNAH MORE. As for the object nearest her young +heart, to say that she was wholly unruffled by it would be inaccurate; +but by address she kept it hidden from all eyes save her own.</p> + <p><a name="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor1">[1]</a> +Ordinary readers, while admiring the heavy humor of this unexpected +open-air episode, may wonder what on earth it has to do with the the +Story; but the cultivated few, understanding the ingenious mechanics of +novel-writing, will appreciate it as a most skilful and happy device to +cover the interval between the hiring of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN's room, and +the occupation thereof by FLORA and her late teacher—another instance +of what our profoundly critical American journals call +"artistic—elaboration." (See corresponding Chapter of the original +English Story.)</p> + <br> + <p><b>CHAPTER XXIII.</b></p> + <p>GOING HOME IN THE MORNING.</p> + <p>After having thrown all his Ritualistic friends at home into a +most unholy and exasperated condition of mind, by a steady series of +vague remarks as to the extreme likelihood of their united implication +in the possible deed of darkness by which he has lost a broadcloth +nephew and an alpaca umbrella, the mournful Mr. BUMSTEAD is once more +awaiting the dawn in that popular retreat in Mulberry Street where he +first contracted his taste for cloves. The Assistant-Assessor and the +Alderman of the Ward are again there, tilted back against the wall in +their chairs; their shares in the Congressional Nominating Convention +held in that room earlier in the night having left them too weary for +further locomotion. The decanters and tumblers hurled by the Nominating +Convention over the question of which Irishman could drink the most to +be nominated, are still scattered about the floor; here and there a +forgotten slungshot marks the places where rival delegations have +confidently presented their claims for recognition; and a few +bullet-holes in the wall above the bar enumerate the various pauses in +the great debate upon the perils of the public peace from Negro +Suffrage.</p> + <p>Reclining with great ease of attitude upon an uncushioned +settee, the Ritualistic organist is aroused from dreamy slumber by the +turning-over of the pipe in his mouth, and majestically motions for the +venerable woman of the house to come and brush the ashes from his +clothes.</p> + <p>"Wud yez have it filled again, honey?" asks the woman. "Sure, +wan pipe more would do ye no harrum."</p> + <p>"I'mtooshleepy," he says, dropping the pipe.</p> + <p>"An' are yez too shlapey, asthore, to talk a little bissiness +wid an ould woman?" she asks, insinuatingly. "Couldn't yez be afther +payin' me the bit av a schore I've got agin ye?"</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his eyes reproachfully, and wishes to know +how she can dare talk about money matters to an organist who, at almost +any moment, may be obliged to see a Chinaman hired in his place on +account of cheapness?</p> + <p>"Could the haythen crayture play, thin?" she asks, wonderingly.</p> + <p>"Thairvairimitative," he tells her;—"Cookwashiron' n' +eatbirdsnests."</p> + <p>"An' vote would they, honey?"</p> + <p>"Yesh—'f course—thairvairimitative, I tell y'," snarls he: +"do'tcheapzdirt."</p> + <p>"Is it vote chaper they would, the haythen naygurs, than +daycint, hardworkin' white min?" she asks, excitedly.</p> + <p>"Yesh. Chinesecheaplabor," he says, bitterly.</p> + <p>"Och, hone!" cries the woman, in anguish; "and f'hat's the +poor to do then, honey?"</p> + <p>"Gowest; go'nfarm!" sobs Mr. BUMSTEAD, shedding tears. "I'd go +m'self if a-hadn't lost dear-er-rerelative.—Nephew'n' umbrella."</p> + <p>"Saint PAYTHER! an' f'hat's that?"</p> + <p>"EDWINS!" cries the unhappy organist, starting to his feet +with a wild reel. "Th' pride of'suncle'sheart! I see 'm now, +in'sh'fectionatemanhood, with whalebone ribs, made 'f alpaca, +andyetsoyoung. 'Help me!' hiccries; 'PENDRAGON'sash'nate'n me!' +hiccries—and I go!"</p> + <p>While uttering this extraordinary burst of feeling, he has +advanced towards the door in a kind of demoniac can-can, and, at its +close, abruptly darts into the street and frantically makes off.</p> + <p>"The cross of the holy fathers!" ejaculates the woman, +momentarily bewildered by this sudden termination of the scene. Then a +new expression comes swiftly over her face, and she adds, in a +different tone, "Odether-nodether, but it's coonin' as a fox he is, and +it's off he's gone again widout payin' me the schore! Sure, but I'll +follow him, if it's to the wurruld's ind, and see f'hat he is and where +he is."</p> + <p>Thus it happens that she reaches Bumsteadville almost as soon +as the Ritualistic organist, and, following him to his boarding-house, +encounters Mr. TRACEY CLEWS upon the steps.</p> + <p>"Well, now!" calls that gentleman, as she looks inquiringly at +him, "who do you want?"</p> + <p>"Him as just passed in, your Honor."</p> + <p>"Mr. BUMSTEAD?"</p> + <p>"Ah. Where does he play the organ?"</p> + <p>"In St. Cow's Church, down yonder. Mass at seven o'clock, and +he'll be there in half an hour."</p> + <p>"It's there I'll be, thin," mumbles the woman; "and bad luck +to it that I didn't know before; whin I came to ax him for me schore, +and might have gone home widout a cint but for a good lad named EDDY +who gave me a sthamp.—The same EDDY, I'm thinkin', that I've heard him +mutter about in his shlape at my shebang in town, whin he came there on +political business."</p> + <p>After a start and a pause, Mr. CLEWS repeats his information +concerning the Ritualistic church, and then cautiously follows the +woman as she goes thither.</p> + <p>Unconscious of the remarkable female figure intently watching +him from under a corner of the gallery, and occasionally shaking a fist +at him, Mr. BUMSTEAD attends to the musical part of the service with as +much artistic accuracy as a hasty head-bath and a glass of soda-water +are capable of securing. The worshippers are too busy with risings, +kneelings, bowings, and miscellaneous devout gymnastics, to heed his +casual imperfections, and his headache makes him fiercely indifferent +to what any one else may think.</p> + <p>Coming out of the athletic edifice, Mr. CLEWS comes upon the +woman again, who seems excited.</p> + <p>"Well?" he says.</p> + <p>"Sure he saw me in time to shlip out of a back dure," she +returns, savagely; "but it's shtrait to his boording-house I'm going +afther him, the spalpeen."</p> + <p>Again Mr. TRACEY CLEWS follows her; but this time he allows +her to go up to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, while he turns into his own +apartment where his breakfast awaits him. "I can make a chalk mark for +the trail I've struck to-day," he says; and then thoughtfully attacks +the meal upon the table.<a name="FNanchor2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2"><sup>[2]</sup></a></p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <p><a name="Footnote_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor2">[2]</a> +At this point, the English original of this Adaptation—the "Mystery of +EDWIN DROOD"—breaks off forever.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/37.jpg" align="left" alt="N">ilsson has come; +and, sad to say, has brought dissension and discord with her. Not that +there is any discord in her matchless voice, but there is a vast amount +of wrangling as to her precise merits. Do you doubt this? Then come +with me in my light Fourth Avenue car, while the stars are bright and +the sky is blue, (this is an adaptation of a once popular love-song by +Dr. WATTS,) and we will go to Steinway Hall to hear the Improved +Swedish Nightingale, and feast our eyes on STRAKOSCH'S flowers.</p> + <p>We pass up the steep staircase—with many misgivings as to our +ankles, if we belong to the sex which considers the possession of those +anatomical features a fact to be carefully concealed, provided they are +not symmetrical. We pass the door-keeper, who, as is the custom of his +kind, frowns malignantly at us, and evidently asks himself—"How much +longer can I refrain from tearing up the tickets of these impudent +pleasure-seekers, and throwing the pieces in their infamously contented +countenances?" We gain the hall, and are sent to the inevitable "other +aisle," by the usher, (by the way, why is it that one always gets into +the wrong aisle, only to be ignominiously ordered to the opposite side +of the house?) and we finally turn various illegal occupants out of our +seats, and begin to fan ourselves in fervid anticipation of the coming +musical treat. A buzz of conversation is everywhere going on. Did any +one ever notice the curious fact that a middle-aged man and woman can +converse at a theatre or concert room without either one finding any +difficulty in hearing what the other says, while no young man can make +his accompanying young lady hear a single word unless his mouth is in +close proximity to her ear? This singular state of things is doubtless +due to the peculiar acoustical properties of public buildings. We +manage, however, to hear a good deal of both young and middle-aged +conversation, of the following improving type.</p> + <p>RURAL PERSON. "I've heard most everybody that's sung in our +Philadelphy opera house, and some of 'em are pretty hard to beat. +NILSSON may beat 'em, you know. Mind, now, I don't say she won't, but +she's got a mighty hard row to hoe."</p> + <p>CRITIC. <i>(Who sent for seats for his eight sisters and +their friends—but who did not get them.)</i> "There comes the +Scandinavian Society—fifty Irishmen at fifty cents a head. Did you see +the flowers piled up in the lobby? MAX paid seven hundred dollars for +the lot."</p> + <p>YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! I wish you wouldn't look at that fellow +across the way. You know how your own darling loves you, and—"</p> + <p>YOUNG LADY. "Hush! Don't bother. Here comes VIEUXTEMPS."</p> + <p>VIEUXTEMPS plays, and the audience listens with the air of +people who are dreadfully bored, but are afraid to show it. He +disappears with an amount of applause carefully graduated so as to +express enthusiasm without the desire for hearing him again. The Rural +Person remarks that "he doesn't think much of fiddlers anyhow. Give him +a trombone, or a banjo, for his money."</p> + <p>MR. WEHLI then trifles with the piano. Him, too, the audience +politely endure, but plainly do not appreciate. They have come to hear +NILSSON, and feel outraged at having to hear anybody else. A cornet +solo by the Angel GABRIEL himself would be secretly regarded as +undoubtedly artistic, but certainly a little out of place.</p> + <p>CHORUS OF RIVAL PIANO-MAKERS. "What a wretched instrument that +poor fellow is made to play upon. Nobody can produce any effect on a +STEINWAY piano. It's good for nothing but for boarding-school practice."</p> + <p>CRITIC, (who knows Mr. STEINWAY.) "Anybody can please people +by playing on a STEINWAY. I defy WEHLI or any other man to play badly +on such a superb instrument as that."</p> + <p>YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! Do you remember the day when you gave me +one of your hair-pins? I have worn it next my—"</p> + <p>YOUNG LADY. "Oh, don't bother. NILSSON is just going to sing."</p> + <p>And she does sing, with that voice so matchless in its perfect +purity, that even the disappointed critic grows uneasy as he tries in +vain to find some reasonable fault with it. She ceases, and amid wild +cheers from the paying part of the audience, silent approval from the +deadheads, and shouts of "Hooroo!" and "Begorra!" from the Scandinavian +Society, MAX'S flowers are brought in solemn procession up the aisle, +and laid at the feet of the Improved Nightingale.</p> + <p>CRITIC. "Those flowers will just be taken out of the back +door, and brought in again to be used the second time. There's a +hand-cart waiting for them now, at the Fifteenth Street entrance."</p> + <p>SIX PRIME DONNE, <i>(who were not asked to sing at the +NILSSON concerts.)</i> "Well, did you ever hear 'Angels Ever Bright' +sung in a more atrocious style? If that is NILSSON's idea of +expression, the sooner she leaves the stage to artists, the better."</p> + <p>CYNICAL OLD MUSICIAN. "Bah! NILSSON infuses religious +sentiment into her singing, and these envious creatures don't know what +religious sentiment is, so they think she is all wrong. If she had sung +HANDEL with a smile, and a coquettish tossing of her head, they would +still have hated her, but they would not have ventured to call her +"inartistic.""</p> + <p>YOUNG MAN. "Darling! I had rather hear your sweet voice, than +listen to NILSSON or a choir of angels for the rest of my—"</p> + <p>YOUNG LADY. "CHARLES, you will drive me wild, with your +intolerable spooniness. I'll never come out with you again. See how the +SMITH girls are looking at you."</p> + <p>RURAL PERSON. "—So I says to the usher, 'If you think I'm a +countryman who don't know what's what, you're everlastingly sold.' 'I'm +from Philadelphy,' says I, 'and we've got singers there that can knock +spots out of your NILLOGGS and KELSONS and the rest of 'em.' So he +just—"</p> + <p>RIVAL MANAGER. "My tear fellow, you shust mind dis. MAX vill +lose all his monish. NILSSON can't sing, my tear! She vanted me to +encage her a year ago, but I vouldn't do it. Dere ish no monish in her, +now you mind vot I says."</p> + <p>DISTINGUISHED TEACHER. "You call her an artist! Why, look +here, if one of my scholars were to phrase as wretchedly as she does, +I'd never show my face in public again. Her voice is so-so, but her +school is simply infamous."</p> + <p>CELEBRATED TEACHER. "Well, I don't mind saying that I never +heard her equal in point of quality of voice. She gives you pure tone, +which is what hardly any other singer does."</p> + <p>NINE TENTHS OF THE AUDIENCE. "She is perfectly lovely. There +never was anybody like her."</p> + <p>CONNOISSEUR, <i>(who really does know something about music, +but who actually has no prejudices.)</i> "Her voice is such a one as +MARGARET must have had when she sang by her spinning-wheel, before fate +threw her in the way of FAUST. And these professional musicians will +tear her reputation to pieces among themselves! Why should musical +people be, of all others, most fond of discord?"</p> + <p>CRITIC. "There! those fools are determined to make her sing +again. I can't stand this. I'll see MAX once more, and if he don't do +the right thing, I'll say that NILSSON was played out in Europe before +she came here, and that she is a complete failure."</p> + <p>YOUNG MAN, "Sweetest! may I ask you one question?"</p> + <p>YOUNG LADY. "No, you shan't. Will you keep quiet? Everybody is +looking at you."</p> + <p>EVERYBODY. "Sh! sh! sh!"</p> + <p>NILSSON sings again. As her delicious notes die out in the +thunder of applause, I make my way out of the Hall, into the clear and +silent night. For not even the witchery of VIEUXTEMPS'S violin is fit +to mate in memory with the peerless tones of NILSSON.</p> + <p>Here I meant to do some fine writing, but as this is +PUNCHINELLO, and not the "Easy Chair" of Harper's Magazine, I conquer +the temptation. Wherefore I accept the gratitude of my readers, and +sign myself</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Congestion at "The Sun."</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO is pained to know that the circulation of his +bewitching contemporary, <i>The Sun</i>, is daily growing more and +more languid. Paralysis has set in, and the patient but seldom has the +energy to dictate the daily bulletin giving the state of his +circulation.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Only a Suggestion.</b></p> + <p>It will be bad enough for the Prussian Cavalrymen to water +their horses in the Seine, but if they go to driving their stakes in +the Bois de Boulogne, won't the Parisians think it looks a little like +running things into the ground?</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>OUR MASTERS OF ART.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: The knights of the pencil and easel, having +returned from their usual visits to their summer haunts, and having +exchanged the blue skies and grassy vales of Nature for the smoky +ceilings and dirty floors of Art, (I believe that is the proper way to +commence this kind of an article,) your correspondent has visited a +number of them, and has obtained authentic accounts of their present +occupations, and has also been permitted to make slight sketches of +some of their principal works.</p> + <p>BIERSTADT, as usual, is painting Yos. Having entirely +exhausted the Yo Semite, he is now at work on a grand picture of a +Southdown Ewe, and will soon commence a view of his studio,—at sunrise. +He well deserves his title of the Yeoman of Art.</p> + <p>JAMES HAMILTON, of Philadelphia, is painting a sunset. It may +not be generally known, but it is a fact, that he paints the sun every +time it sets. The following sketch will give a good idea of his next +great picture. The nails are inserted in the sun to keep it from going +down any further, and spoiling the scene.</p> + <center> <img src="images/38a.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <p>WILLIAM T. RICHARDS, of the same city, is hard at work on a +picture which is intended to represent, to the life, water in motion; a +specialty which he has lately adopted. It is entitled "A Scene on the +Barbary Coast; Water in Motion, Steamer in the Distance." The subjoined +sketch represents the general plan of the picture.</p> + <center> <img src="images/38b.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <p>Still another Philadelphia artist, Mr. ROTHERMEL, is very busy +at a great work. He is putting the finishing-touches to his vast +painting of the Battle of Gettysburg. On this enormous canvas may be +seen correct likenesses of all the principal generals, colonels, +captains, majors, first and second lieutenants, sergeant-majors, +sergeants, corporals and high privates who were engaged in that battle; +and by the consummate skill of the artist, each one of them, to the +great gratification of himself and his family, is placed prominently in +the foreground. Such distinguished success should meet appropriate +reward, and it is now rumored that the artist will soon be commissioned +by Congress to paint for the Rotunda of the Capitol a grand picture of +our late civil war, with all the incidents of that struggle, upon one +canvas.</p> + <p>Of the artists who affect the "shaded wood," we learn that Mr. +HENNESSY, now absent in Europe, is drawing another "Booth." Whether +this is intended particularly for "Every Saturday," I cannot say, but I +suppose it will answer for any other week-day. At any rate, here is his +last "Booth."</p> + <center> <img src="images/38c.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <p>NAST is at work on a series of sarcastic pictures illustrating +the miseries of France. Most of them show how LOUIS NAPOLEON ought to +finish up his career and dynasty. In fact, should this gifted artist +ever travel among Bonapartists, he will certainly be hunted down in an +astounding manner, and the populace, adopting American customs, will +probably congregate to see him astride a rail. Two of his smaller +studies are very interesting. One of them, called "An Astray," is +simply a ray of black light; and another, intended for the +contemplation of persons who desire light and airy pictures, is simply +a portrait of himself, entitled "A Nasturtium."</p> + <p>The well-known Miss EDMONIA LEWIS has been exhibiting her +statue of "HAGAR," in Chicago. As HAGAR was the first woman who +suffered anything like divorce, Chicago is a capital place for her +statue, and Miss LEWIS evidently knows what she is about. Her name +reminds me that our great landscapist, LEWIS, is at work on a picture +which he calls "A Scene in France after a Reign." This little sketch +will give an idea of the painting.</p> + <center> <img src="images/38d.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <p>Most of our other artists are also worthily engaged, but time, +(I believe that is the regular way to end an article of this kind) will +not permit present mention of them.</p> + <p>EFARES.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HAM AND EGGS.</p> + <p>War always brings with it its signs and portents. A hen +somewhere in Virginia, according to a local paper, has lately produced +an egg on the white of which the word "War" was plainly written in +black letters. Now, when we consider that the career of LOUIS NAPOLEON +was more or less influenced by Ham, there is something very significant +in the advent of this providential egg; nor should we be surprised to +learn, ere long, that the same hen had laid another egg, this time with +a Prussian yolk.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Eheu! Strasbourg.</b></p> + <p>Reading an old traveller's description of the famous Cathedral +of Strasbourg, we note that he dwells particularly on its "fretted +windows."</p> + <p>Ah! yes. They have much to fret about, now, have these old +windows; and that makes us think whether the <i>larmiers</i> of the +roof over them do not run real tears.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>"Lo" Cunning.</b></p> + <p>The cunning of the red Indian of the Plains.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT.</b></p> + <p>A gaunt, tall, spectacled creature, gender feminine, number +singular, person first, case always possessive, that's the standard +bearer; a broomstick from the top of which floats a petticoat, that's +the standard. Under that standard march in the U.S. at least 20,000,000 +feminines, and—horrible to relate—gal children are on the increase.</p> + <p>Certainly the devil must have invented petticoats. After EVE +had finished up that little apple job, she went into the petticoat +business, and—hence all our tears. Instantly petticoat government +became a possibility. Then, as her daughters became wiser, they +invented the weeping business, the swooning business, and the curtain +lecture business; they went for our pocket-books and they got them, and +petticoat government became a probability. Not satisfied with the +pocket-books, they are now going for the business by means of which we +fill the books, and oh, what a hankering they have for public pap! They +stick to the curtain lecture business, but now they do it before the +curtain. Alas, petticoat government is now a certainty!</p> + <p>It's all very well for you to talk about the grandeur of the +governments of BOADICEA, and ELIZABETH and CATHERINE, but I don't +believe that BOA, or LIZZY, or KATE would have been very nice as a +companion, if she and you were sitting before the fire, and she wanted +stamps and was going for them as a matter of business. Besides, there +was only one of them at a time, and they didn't trouble common people +much, but in this enlightened nineteenth century I have seen a poor, +miserable, six foot dry-goods clerk turned out of a retail store by a +strapping little female, who couldn't jump a counter worth shucks. I +have seen him in his misery industriously study "What I Know About +Farming," squat on a farm in the West, and bring himself, his wife, and +four miserable offshoots to the alms-house by endeavoring to apply the +rules set down in "What I Know About Farming" to 160 acres of land. I +have seen the poor, half-paid type-setters strike for their altars, +their sires, and more wages, and I have seen a troop of petticoats, +with gal children inside them, trot into the type-setter's place, so +that the miserable compositors were compelled to return and starve on +four or five dollars a day. That's petticoat government with a +vengeance. Putting your nose to the grindstone isn't nice at any time, +but it's awful when the gal children turn.</p> + <p>But that is only the beginning. They have struck for bigger +things. In the expressive language of the immortal JOHNNY MILTON, they +are going for the whole hog. They want to vote; some of them have been +caught repeating already; they want to sit on juries, and they want to +go to Congress. Heaven forbid that any of them should ever reach the +House of Representatives! Imagine the size of the <i>Congressional +Globe</i> if we should send women there! Why, there would be as great a +dearth of paper in Washington as there is now in Paris. They want to +shave you, dress you, doctor you into your coffins, preach a funeral +discourse over your remains, and then take your will into the +Surrogate's Court and fight over the little property they have left you.</p> + <p>They say all this means that they are our equals, and intend +to show it. Listen. In a town some hundreds of miles distant there is a +law firm whose sign reads thus:</p> + <center> MRS. SMITH <i>and husband</i>. </center> + <br> + <br> + <p>Shades of our forefathers! Ghost of BLUEBEARD! Spirit of HENRY +VIII! can this thing be? Imagine old LABAN'S daughter starting in +business, and hanging out a sign something like this:</p> + <center> MRS. JACOB <i>and husband,</i><br> + <i>Having large orders from the West</i>,<br> +SOLICIT CUSTOM.<br> +N.B.—Gentlemen attended to by Mr. JACOB.<br> + <i>The Original Mrs</i>. JACOB. </center> + <p>Don't you suppose that JACOB, if he had found that sign over +his doorstep, would have raised a row, and if he had been overcome, +don't you suppose he would have wondered what he served those seven +years for?</p> + <p>Oh, young man, sitting by the side of that dainty damsel, +looking so spoonily into her deep blue eyes, playing so daintily with +her golden curls, sucking honey so frequently from her ruby lips, +beware! <i>beware!</i> BEWARE! Remember, when she wants stamps, you +can't put her off as your pa did your ma. You can't say, "Business is +awful dull," because she'll do the business, and make you her +book-keeper or porter or something of that sort</p> + <p>Petticoat government is all very well for those who like it. +Some men go through life playing a sort of insane tag, in which, first +their mothers' petticoats, and then their wives', are hunk, and they +never leave hunk. As for me, give me trouser government, or give me a +first class funeral procession with me for the corpse.</p> + <p>Brethren, listen! Give me your ears! (the big ones first.) +This thing must be stopped <i>now</i>. Let us form an association for +the suppression of women, or a society for the prevention of cruelty to +men. There is but one way to cure this thing. Far out on the Western +prairies dwells the only sensible man on this continent. In the city +ruled by him a man may come home as tired as gin can make him, and his +wife opens not her mouth; he may jump over as many counters as he +pleases, and none of his wives will desire to go and do likewise. There +she is the weaker vessel, and it takes so many of her to equal one man, +that she is kept in a proper state of subjection. That's the secret; +marry her a good deal. The old maids are the ones who start the rows. +Let them all be married to some one man of a peaceable, loving, quiet +disposition—say WENDELL PHILLIPS. Let the President, if necessary, +issue his proclamation making the United States one vast Utah, and let +us all be Young.</p> + <p>LOT.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>RAMBLINGS.</b></p> + <p>BY MOSE SKINNER.</p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I should tell you that I particularly +excelled in writing verses you'd hardly believe me. But such is the +fact. I've sent poem after poem to all the first-class magazines in the +country, which, if they'd been published, would have enabled me to pay +my debts, and start new accounts from Maine to Georgia. But they've +never been published—and why? It's jealousy. A child with half an eye +can see that. Those boss poets who get the big salaries, probably see +my verses, and pay the publishers a big price not to print 'em.</p> + <p>How little the public know of the inside workings of these +things!</p> + <p>I'm disgusted with this trickery, and am going to shut right +down on the whole thing. Oh! they may howl, but not another line do +they get!</p> + <p>I'm going into the song business. That's something that isn't +overdone. I composed a perfect little gem lately. It is called "Lines +on the death of a child." I chose this subject because it is +comparatively new. A few have attempted it, but they betray a crudeness +and lack of pathos painful to witness.</p> + <p>Whether I have supplied that deficiency or not is for the +public, not me, to judge. But if the public, or any other man, be he +male or female, thinks that by ribaldry and derision I can be induced +to publish the whole of this work before it's copyrighted, they're +mistaken. The salt that's going on the tail of this particular fowl +ain't ripe yet.</p> + <p>It's going to be set to music and it'll probably hatch a song. +I called on a publisher last week about it.</p> + <p>"Don't you think," said I, "that it'll take 'em by storm?"</p> + <p>"Worse than that," he replied. "It's a reg'lar <i>line</i> +gale."</p> + <p>I knew he'd be enthusiastic about it.</p> + <p>He said he hadn't got any notes in, that would fit it just +then, but be expected a lot in the next steamer, and I could have my +choice. He was very polite, and I thanked him kindly.</p> + <p>Jealous as I am of my reputation, I am willing to stake it on +this poem. A man don't collect the obituary notices of one hundred +infants and boil 'em down over a slow fire without something to be +proud of, you know.</p> + <p>Here is a sample of it:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">LINES +ON THE DEATH OF A CHILD.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">"Tell me, dear mother,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hast the swallows homeward flode</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">When the clock strikes nine?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Does our WILLIE'S spirit roam</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3.75em;">In that home</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3em;">Beyond the skies,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">Along with LIZE?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 4em;">Say, mother</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 5em;">Say—"</span> </div> + <p>The other verses are, if anything, better than this. If you +are anxious to publish this poem entire, why not leave out the pictures +and all the reading matter from PUNCHINELLO for two weeks, and show the +public what genius, brains, and ability can accomplish, unaided? If you +publish it in detachments, it weakens it, you see. If the verses can't +lean against each other, they pine away immediately.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <center> <img src="images/40.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE YOUNG DEMOC TRYING TO PUT THE BIG SACHEM'S PIPE OUT.</b></p> + <p><i>Big Sachem</i>. "SAY, YOUNG MAN, AIN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'LL +BURN YOUR BREECHES?"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SARSFIELD YOUNG HAS HIS HEAD +EXAMINED.</p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO:—The last time I visited a barber's shop I +wanted my hair trimmed. Being in somewhat of a hurry for the train, I +told the proprietor to cut it short. As a matter of course, I was left. +As for my hair, there was precious little of that left, though. Science +was too much for it. A hand-glass, brought to bear upon a mirror, +opened up a perspective of pretty much all the back country belonging +to my skull, that is seldom equalled outside the State Prison or the +Prize Ring.</p> + <p>I was indignant. I was so mad that my hair stood on +end—voluntarily. The barber talked soothingly of making a discount on +the bill; and I, looking at it in a strictly diplomatic light, +gradually permitted myself to grow calmer. He went further, and did the +handsome thing by me—as if it wasn't enough to cut under his price! A +phrenologist by profession, so he said, he had resorted to barbering +simply for amusement, and under the circumstances he would give me a +professional sitting gratuitously.</p> + <p>It has always been a cherished ambition with me to have my +head surveyed and staked out scientifically; SO I told him at once he +might take it and look it over.</p> + <p>"My friend," said I, as I gracefully described an imaginary +aureole about my brain factory, "you abolish the poll-tax. I grant you +full leave to explore."</p> + <p>This was the first time I ever had my head examined. The whole +of me, it is true, was once examined before a Trial Justice; but as +that was years ago, and it was "the other boy" that was to blame, I +refrain from incorporating the details into the history of our country.</p> + <p>It occurred to me that old Scissors couldn't have been much of +a scholar; at all events he breathed very hard for an educated man, and +he had a rough, muscular way of moving his fingers about my upper +story, that made those regions ache every time he touched them. You may +fancy my feelings. I certainly didn't fancy <i>his</i>.</p> + <p>For the benefit of those who come after us, (I don't refer to +Sheriffs and Constables, so much as I do to posterity,) I append a few +results of the gentleman's vigorous researches.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">* +* *</span><br> + <p>"There's a great deal of surface here; in fact, everybody that +is acquainted with this head must be struck at once with its +superficial contents."</p> + <p>"Thickness—obvious. Great breadth between the ears, indicating +longevity. You will never die of teething, or cholera infantum; nor is +it likely you will ever become a murderess.</p> + <p>"Forehead, large and imposing; that is, it might impose on +people who don't know you.</p> + <p>"Your intellect may be pronounced massive, dropsical, in fact. +You have brilliant talents, but your bump of cash payments is +remarkably small.</p> + <p>"Locality, 20 to 30. You are always somewhere, or just going +there. Eventuality, 18 carat fine; absorption, 99 per cent. This means +you will eventually absorb a good deal of borrowed money.</p> + <p>"I find here acquisitiveness and secretiveness enough to stock +an entire Board of Aldermen and a Congressional Committee."</p> + <p>"Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a +colossal scale. Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you +would be in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country.</p> + <p>"If I owned that sanguine temperament of yours, I should +proceed at once to marry into President GRANT'S family, and take some +foreign mission.</p> + <p>"You're a good feeder. Alimentiveness and order well +developed. No man better fitted to order a waiter around. From the +immature condition of your organ of benevolence, I shouldn't care, +however, to be the waiter.</p> + <p>"Self esteem doesn't seem to have been kept back by the +drought.</p> + <p>"Ideality, I discover from the depression in the S. W. corner, +is missing. Nature beautifully compensates this loss by making language +very full—more words than ideas. In profane language, I dare say, now, +you are particularly gifted.</p> + <p>"In one respect your head resembles that of the Father of His +Country. It lacks adhesiveness. So does GEORGE'S—on the postage stamps.</p> + <p>"Unlike most subjects, your organ of firmness is not confined +to any one spot, but is spread over the entire skull. This phenomenon +is due to your being what we technically call 'mule-headed'—a fine +specimen which—"</p> + <p>"Excuse me," said I, unwilling any longer to impose on his +good nature, "I feel I must make sure of that other train, so I will +just trouble you for that organ of firmness and the rest of them. I +never travel without them." Then, hurrying all my phrenology into my +hat, I started down the street.</p> + <p>I wonder he didn't say something about my memory's being below +par—somehow I quite forgot to pay him for shaving me.</p> + <p>Yours, without recourse,</p> + <p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <center> <img src="images/41.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>VERY "HARD CIDER."</b></p> + <p>THE PIPPINS OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY, (MESSRS. MORRISSEY, +O'BRIEN, AND FOX,) GETTING THEIR LAST SQUEEZE FROM GOVERNOR HOFFMAN.</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM.</b></p> + <p><b>He Strays among Sharpers, and "Sees the Elephant."</b></p> + <p>There's many things in the big city which pleases me, and +causes us <i>all</i> to feel hily tickled over our success as a +Republic.</p> + <p>At the present writin', many furrin' nations would give all +their old butes and shoes if, like us, they could throw their roolers +overboard every 4 years, and have a new deel.</p> + <p>Our institutions are, many of 'em, sound: altho' I've +diskivered to my sorrer, that some of the inhabitants of New York are +about as puselanermus a set of dead-beats which ever stood up.</p> + <p>While sojernin' here, my distinguished looks kicked up quite a +sensation wherever I put in an appearance. On one occasion, a man +stepped up to me who thought I was a banker, and richer than Creosote, +and wanted me to change a $100 bill. I diden't do it. Not much. No, +sir-ee!—they coulden't fool the old man on that ancient dodge.</p> + <p>But, friend PUNCHINELLO, to my disgust and shagrin', I must +acknolidge the corn, and say, I hain't quite so soon as I allers give +myself credit for bein', as the sekel of this letter will show.</p> + <p>Last Saturday P.M. I was a sailin' down Dye Street with my +bloo cotton umbreller under my arm, feelin' all so fine and so gay.</p> + <p>When near the corner of West Street I turned around just in +time to see a ragged boy pick up a pocket-book.</p> + <p>As the afoursaid boy started to run off, a well dressed +lookin' man ketched him by the cote coller.</p> + <p>"What in thunder are you about?" says the boy.</p> + <p>"That pocket-book belongs to this old gentleman," said the +man, pintin' to me. "I saw him drop it."</p> + <p>"No it don't, nether," said the boy, tryin' to break away, +"and I want yer to let go my cote coller."</p> + <p>The infatuated youth then tried his level best to jerk away, +while his capturer yanked and cuffed him, ontil the boy sot up a cryin'.</p> + <p>I notissed as the youth turned around that he partly opened +the wallet, which was chock full of greenbax.</p> + <p>A thought suddenly struck me. That 'ere boy looked as if he +was depraved enuff to steel the shoe-strings off'n the end of a +Chinaman's cue, so the Monongohalian's hair woulden't stay braided.</p> + <p>Thinks I, if the young raskel should keep that pocket-book, +like as not he mite buy a fashinable soot of close and enter on a new +career of crime, and finally fetch up as a ward polertician.</p> + <p>I must confess, that as I beheld that wallet full of bills, my +mouth did water rather freely, and I made up my mind, if wuss come to +wusser, I would not allow too much <i>temptashun</i> to get in that +boy's way. The man turned to me and says:</p> + <p>"Stranger, this is your pocket-book, for I'le swear I saw you +drop it."</p> + <p>What could a poor helpless old man like me do in euch a case, +Mister PUNCHINELLO? That man was willin' to sware that I dropped it, +and I larnt enuff about law, when I was Gustise of the Peece, to know I +coulden't swear I diden't drop it, and any court would decide agin me; +at the same time my hands itched to get holt of the well filled wallet.</p> + <p>I trembled all over for fear a policeman, who was standin' on +the opposite corner, mite come over and stick in his lip.</p> + <p>But no! like the wooden injuns before cigar stores, armed with +a tommyhawk and scalpin' knife, these city petroleums, bein' rather +slippery chaps, hain't half so savage as they look.</p> + <p>When the boy heerd the man say I owned the pocket-book he +caved in, and began to blubber. Said he, whimperin':</p> + <p> "Well—I—want—a—re—ward—for—findin' the—pocket-bo—hoo—ok."</p> + <p>The well dressed individual, still holdin' onto the boy, then +said to me:</p> + <p>"My friend, I'me a merchant, doin' bizziness on Broadway, at +4-11-44. You've had a narrer escape from losin' your pocket-book. Give +this rash youth $50, to encourage him in bein' honest in the futer, and +a glorious reward awaits you. Look at me, sir!" said he, vehemently; +"the turnin' pint of my life was similar to this depraved youth's; but, +sir! a reward from a good lookin', beneverlent old gent like you, made +a man of me, and to-day I'me President of a Society for the <i>Penny-Ante</i> +corruption of good morrils,' and there hain't a judge in the city who +wouldn't give me a home for the pleasure of my company."</p> + <p>Such a man, I knew, woulden't lie about seein' me drop that +pocket-book. I took another look at the Guardian (?) of the public +peace, morrils, etc., who, when he was on his <i>Beat</i>, haden't the +least objection to anybody else bein' on <i>their beat</i>. He wasen't +lookin' our way, but was star-gazin', seein' if the sines was rite for +him to go and take another drink.</p> + <p>"You are sure you saw me drop this wallet?" said I, addressin' +the President of the Penny-antee Society.</p> + <p>"I'le take my affidavy on it," said he.</p> + <p>I pulled out $50 and handed it to the boy, who handed me the +pocket-book.</p> + <p>"Mrs. GREEN! Mrs. GREEN!" soliloquised I, as I walked away, +feelin' as rich as if I held a good fat goverment offis, "if you could +only see your old man now, methinks you'd feel sorry that you hid all +of his close one mornin' last spring, so he coulden't go and attend a +barn raisin'. Yes, madam, your talented husband has struck ile."</p> + <p>I stepped in a stairway to count my little fortin. I was very +much agitated. The wallet was soon opened; when—</p> + <p>"Ye ministers fallen from grace, defend us!" was the first +exclamation which bust 4th from my lips; for I hope to be +flambusticated if I hadn't gone and paid $50 for a lot of brown paper, +rapt up into patent medesin advertisements, printed like greenbax.</p> + <p>For a few minnits I was crazier than a loon.</p> + <p>I rusht madly into the street, runnin' into an old apple +woman, nockin' her "gally west."</p> + <p>I quickly jumped to my feet and begun hollerin':</p> + <p>"Murder! Thieves! Robbers!"</p> + <p>The Policemen scattered, while a crowd of ragged urchins +colected about me. "My youthful vagabones," roared I, as loud as I +could scream, "bring along your stuffed wallets. The market price of +brown paper is $50 an ounce on call.—If you are lookin' for a +greenhorn, I'me your man."</p> + <p>I then broke my umbreller over a lamp-post, and button-hold a +passer by, offerin him a $100 if he'd send me to a loonatic asilum.</p> + <p>Seein' a sine on the opposite corner which read: "Weigher's +Office," I rusht wildly in, and said to a man:</p> + <p>"Captin, I've been <i>litened</i>. If you've got such a thing +as a pair of apothecary's scales about your premises, dump me on and +give me the figgers."</p> + <p>I then tried to jump through a winder, but the man caught me +by the cote tails, and haulin' me back, sot me down into a cheer.</p> + <p>I soon got cooled down, when I told the man how I'de been +swindled, and asked him what I had better do.</p> + <p>"Do?" said he, laffin' as if heed bust. "My advice is, for you +to take the next train for your home, and then charge your loss to the +acc't of seein' the elefant."</p> + <p>It hain't often I git took in, but that time I was swallered, +specturcals, white hat and all, as slick as if I'de been buttered all +over.</p> + <p>I don't intend to let Mrs. GREEN know anything about this +little adventoor, but just as like as not, some day when I hain't +thinking she will worm it out of me, when Mariar will no doubt say:</p> + <p>"Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that's what you git for +stoppin' takin' the weekly noosepapers, because they won't print the +darned nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and +asleep."</p> + <p>Ewers, lite as a fether,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Serious Complication.</b></p> + <p>The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in +a magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the +story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." +Vernacularly, this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it +puzzles one to think why the acquisition of wealth should subject the +holder of it to the liability of being kicked.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Enough Said.</b></p> + <p>"Modern physiologists," said the Doctor, "have arrived at the +conclusion that man begins as a cell."</p> + <p>"And what about woman?" returned the Scalper, "doesn't she +begin as a sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?"</p> + <p>"She does," replied the doctor.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>A Relative Question.</b></p> + <p>Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun +come within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly +connected?</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <center> <img src="images/44.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.</b></p> + </center> + <br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A CRABBED HISTORY.</p> + <p>Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs. A dainty +succulent soft shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the +eye of the epicure and makes his mouth water. Even a hard shell is not +to be despised when no other is attainable. We eat them with great +gusto, thinking they are "so nice," without considering for a moment +that they have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended +for any other purpose than the gratification of our palate. But that is +a mistake which I will try to rectify in order that the <i>bon vivant</i> +may enjoy hereafter the pleasures of a mental and bodily feast +conjointly.</p> + <p>Most crabs are hatched from eggs, and begin life in a very +small way. They float round in the water, at first, without really +knowing what they are about. They have but little sense to start with, +but after a while improve and begin to strike out in a blind +instinctive way, which, after a few efforts, resolves itself into real +genuine swimming. They commence walking about the same time. Awkward +straggling steps, to be sure, but they get over the ground, and that is +the most they care for.</p> + <p>When they are about a month old they begin to feel that life +has its realities, and that they must do something towards the end for +which they were made. The thought is faint at first, but by degrees +grows weightier, till at last they can stand it no longer, and, making +a great effort to throw off the incubus of babyhood that weighs so +heavily upon them, they burst open the back door of their shell and +slowly creep out backwards. It takes about five minutes for them to get +entirely out, head, legs and all, and then for a moment or two they +gaze in stupefaction at their old shell, amazed to find that they have, +by their own efforts, unaided and alone, accomplished such a wonderful +change.</p> + <p>The thought is overwhelming. It fills them with pride; +rejoicingly they exult, and swell with gratification. This state of +self-gratulation lasts about twenty minutes, at the end of which time +they have increased their bulk to nearly double its former size, and +they remain so.</p> + <p>They can't get back into the old shell now, for it won't fit +them, and as there is no other for them to go into, the only thing left +for them to do is to build another house.</p> + <p>It takes three or four days before they get fairly to work, +and during this time they are called soft-shell crabs. This stage is +particularly dangerous to the delicate creatures, for they, in their +tender beauty, are so attractive to hungry fishes that it is really a +wonder any escape. Tender, helpless, innocent and beautiful, they are +almost sure to be victimized and gormandized.</p> + <p>Some, however, escape the fate intended for them, and in a few +days begin to enjoy life in a crabbed sort of a way. Another month +passes on. They become restless and uneasy, and feel that it won't do +to stay too long in one place. They think they had better make another +change, and so this time, in a more self-confident manner, they pack up +and move out at the back door again. They are no more provident now, +however, than they were at first, for, after having given up the old +house, they have no new one to move into. They are not troubled as we +are with house-hunting; they are good builders, and can make one to +suit themselves. A wise provision of nature, for these interesting +creatures are really obliged monthly to go out doors to grow.</p> + <p>This state is to them doubly dangerous. Mankind they always +have to fear, but now they are tempting to their own race. A wicked old +crab goes out for a stroll. The walk gives him an appetite; he looks +around for something to eat and spies a younger brother just moving. +Treacherously be plants himself behind a stone or shell, and watches +the process, chuckling in his inmost stomach over the dainty meal in +prospect. The youthful one has just got clear of his old home and its +restraints, and is delighting in his freedom, when up walks the +vampire, strikes him a blow on his defenceless head, knocks the life +out of him, and then sits down to a dinner of soft-shell crab. He is an +old sportsman, and enjoys exceedingly the meal gained by his own +prowess.</p> + <p>Dinner over, he wipes his claws on the muddy table-cloth and +walks out for his digestion. Off in the distance he spies a young +gentleman crab making love to a beautiful female. He looks at her with +a discriminating eye. Sees she is fair to look upon, and thinks he +would like to be acquainted. He makes several sideway moves in the +direction, ungraceful, but satisfactory to himself, and as he advances +his admiration increases, his courage improves; he feels almost heroic. +The observant lover with staring eyes perceives the advancing strides +of another gentleman crab, and instantly, seized with jealous fears, +clasps his <i>inamorata</i> to his shelly breast with his numerous +little legs, holds her tightly so that she can't fall, and walks off on +his hands.</p> + <p>The old cannibal observes the change of base, feels insulted +at the implied distrust, and resolves to have satisfaction. Increasing +his efforts, he soon overtakes the runaway lovers, challenges his rival +by giving him a dig with his claw, and tells him to "come out and show +himself a crab." Of course no crab of spirit is going to receive an +insult before his beloved and not resent it; with one painful quiver of +his little legs, he sets the lady crab down, and then the two amorous +lovers proceed to deadly combat. Love strengthens the young crab's +heart. Justice nerves his arm; and soon a lucky blow from the sharp +claw pierces in a vital part the hardened sinner, who, with a gulp, +gives up the contest and his life at once.</p> + <p>An exultant shout bubbles up in the water, and then the heroic +defender of crabbed maidenhood leads his beloved to view the remains of +this ravager of hard-shell rights.</p> + <p>They rejoice over the fallen adversary a while, and then, to +make their happiness more complete, and to prosper his wooing, the +victor invites his love to dine on the tender part of the victim.</p> + <p>The invitation is gladly accepted, and they enjoy a delicious +meal, rendered doubly tasteful from the fact that they are feasting on +an enemy.</p> + <p>The facts deduced from the above history prove that crabs have +tastes and feelings just as mankind have. They are gallant to their +females; never engage in combat with the weaker sex; fight and kill +each other when angry; love good eating, and are cannibalistic—which +last habit they may have learned from their ancestors of the Feejee +Islands.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>BAITED BREATH.</b>—That of the boy who had "wums fur bait" +in his mouth.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>OCTOBER JOTTINGS.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/45.jpg" align="left" alt="A">ttracted by the +dulcet strains of a brass band, a day or two since, PUNCHINELLO +ascended to the summit of the N.E. tower of his residence, looking from +which he beheld a target company all with crimson shirts ablaze +marching up the Bowery. Then, glancing over towards Long Island, he +observed that Nature was already assuming her russet robes, which +circumstance, combined with that of the target company, reminded him +that the shooting season had just commenced. A few hints to young +sportsmen, then, from so old a one as PUNCHINELLO, will not, be hopes, +be taken amiss—not even though, in shooting phrase, a miss is generally +as good as a mile.</p> + <p>Before taking the field, look well to your shooting-irons. +Fowling-pieces are far more apt to Get Foul while they are lying away +during the off season, than when they are taken out for a day's sport +by the fowlers.</p> + <p>On releasing your gun from its summer prison, always examine +it carefully, to ascertain whether it is loaded. This you can do by +looking down into the barrel and touching the trigger with your toe. If +your head is blown off, then you may be sure that the gun was loaded. +Otherwise not.</p> + <p>Should your gun be a breech-loader, always load it at the +muzzle. This will show that you know better than the man who made it, +or, at least, that he is no better than you.</p> + <p>If you are a novice in gunnery it will be safest for you to +put the shot in before the powder. By doing this you will not only +provide against possible accidents, but will secure for yourself the +reputation of being a very safe man to go out shooting with.</p> + <p>When you go out with your gun, always dress in a shootable +costume. For instance, if you want to bag lots of Dead Rabbits, TWEED +will be the best stuff you can wear—especially about November 8th, on +which day you will be certain to find Some Quail about the polling +places. (N.B. They are beginning to quail already.)</p> + <p>The best time to acquire the art of shooting flying is fly +time. Always carry a whiskey flask about you, so that you can practice +at Swallows.</p> + <p>When you hear the drum of the ruffed grouse, steal silently +through the thicket and let drive in the direction of the sound. Should +you bring down a target company instead of a ruffed grouse, so much the +better. It will only be bagging ruffs of another kind, and by silencing +their drums you will have conferred an obligation upon humanity.</p> + <p>There is much diversity of opinion regarding the best kind of +dog for fowling purposes. It all depends upon what work you want your +dog to do for you. If you want to have birds pointed, a pointer is best +for your purpose. If set, a setter. But if you want a dog that will go +in and kill without either pointing or setting, be sure that the Iron +Dog is the dog for your money. You can procure one of Staunch Blood by +application at Police Head-Quarters.</p> + <p>Before going out for a day's sport, resolve yourself into a +committee of one for the preservation of choice ornithological +specimens. By this we do not mean that you are to set up in business as +a taxidermist, but that you are bound—if a true sportsman—to protect +the song birds, and the birds that are useful in destroying noxious +vermin, and all the beautiful feathered creatures that ornament our +woods, and fields, and parks, from the depredations of the ignorant, +loutish, pestilent, pernicious pot-hunter. The Sportsmen's Clubs that +have been organized throughout the country should be supported by every +true sportsman; and if you lay a thick stick vigorously across the back +of the first fool you see about to kill Cock Robin, you will have +established a very efficacious Sportsman's Club of your own, and will +have earned the best regards of Mr. PUNCHINELLO to boot—by which he +means, if you choose, that you have his leave and license to boot the +fellow into the bargain.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">MORE ABOUT CHIGNONS.</p> + <p>The chignon is coming to the front again. By this we do not +mean that it is worn, or likely to be worn before—in saying which the +word "before" is not used by us in its acceptation of previously, but +in that of front; although, now that we come to think of it, the <i>chignon</i> +certainly has been worn before, as may be seen by consulting +old-fashioned prints, in which it is shown worn behind. This, to the +ordinary mind, may seem rather confused; and so it is; but what else +could you expect from a writer when he has got <i>chignon</i> upon the +brain?</p> + <p>For newspapers the <i>chignon</i> is just now a teeming +subject. Every day or so somebody writes to a paper, saying that be has +discovered a new kind of parasite, hatched by the genial warmth of +woman's nape from some deleterious padding or other used in the +manufacture of her <i>chignon</i>. Sometimes it is vegetable stuff, +sometimes animal, but it always teems with pedicular creatures akin to +that low and vulgar kind not usually recognized in polite society. All +these horrors come and and don't make much difference in the <i>chignon</i> +market; but PUNCHINELLO has a new one that is calculated to create a +sensation—about the nape of the female neck—and here it is.</p> + <p>In the beech forests of Hungary, as is well known to Danubian +explorers, there exists a very remarkable breed of pigs, one of their +peculiarities being that they are covered with wool instead of with +bristles. These pigs are shorn regularly every year, like sheep. Their +wool, which is very stiff and curly, is used for stuffing cushions and +mattresses of the cheap and nasty kind. Since <i>chignons</i> have +come into fashion, a vast amount of pig's wool has been imported for +their manufacture. By microscopic investigation the wool of the Hungary +pig has been found swarming with <i>trichinae</i>; to a fearful +extent. Now, it is easy to imagine that the <i>trichinae</i> obtained +from a hungry pig must be of a very insatiable and ravenous +disposition, and this is but too often realized by the silly wearers of +the porcine <i>chignons</i>, into whose brains, (when they happen to +have any,) the horrible little parasites worm their way in myriads, +rendering their hapless victims pig-headed to an extent that defies +description either with pen or pencil.</p> + <p>The Pig-faced Woman exhibited some time ago in Europe was once +a very pretty girl, her hideous deformity being the result of wearing a + <i>chignon</i> stuffed with Hungary pigs' wool.</p> + <p>In purchasing a pig <i>chignon</i>, then, the Girl of the +Period had better look out that she does not get "too much pork for a +shilling."</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>MATCHING THE MATCHLESS.</b></p> + <p>Matchmaking has always been traditionally supposed to be the +chief end of woman. No wonder that, with the spread of the new theories +of woman's rights, therefore, we find them invading departments of +industry which were formerly supposed to be peculiarly the domain of +the stronger sex. We have recently seen running matches, swimming +matches, rowing matches, and other fancy matches, made by women. And +why not? The women are wise in thus preparing themselves for +proficiency in the arts of primary elections, ballot stuffing and the +rest, incidental to untrammelled suffrage.</p> + <p>In regard to this, also, it may not be amiss to suggest that +this passion for match-making lies at the bottom of the recent increase +in divorce, which so alarms some timid moralists. Certain it is that +easy divorce enlarges the opportunities for its gratification, and to +be "fancy" and "free" is no longer a charm peculiar only to "maiden +meditation."</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>HISTORY FACTORY.</b></p> + <p>Card to the Public.</p> + <p>The undersigned, having recently increased their facilities +for the manufacture of History upon an unusually large scale, would +hereby announce to their patrons and the public in general that they +have associated with them Messrs. VICTOR EMANUEL and General TROCHU.</p> + <p>LOUIS NAPOLEON,<br> +M. BISMARCK,<br> +WM. O'PRUSSIA,</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>Commercial.</b></p> + <p>A proof of the present great depression in the Whaling +business is the fact that the editor of the <i>Sun</i> still walks +about unflogged.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <center> <img src="images/46a.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>HORSE-CAR AMENITIES.</b></p> + <p><i>Conductor</i>. "Wanted to get off, did you?—Then why in +thunder didn't you say so?"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>THE CHOICE OF PARIS (IN AMERICA.)</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">One +drink, dear friend, before we part—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Before I tempt the shining sea;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">One drink to pledge each constant +heart—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yet stay, what shall the tipple +be?<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">My eyes are dazed with +bar-room "signs"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">In which, I pray, shall +friendship conquer?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Can alien I drink "native" wines?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Are Jew-lips Christian tipple, <i>mon +coeur</i>?<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">This "cobbler"—is't a +heeling drink?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A "smash" were surely +inauspicious;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Toute de-suite</i>, two +"sours"—yet I think</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ah! <i>qu'est-ce-qui c'est!</i>—acetate +is vicious!<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Garçon!</i> +two "skins"—the name is 'cute---</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">You Yankees "twig" the +pharmaceutical;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But hold! art sure the +flay-vor'll suit?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Will it not smack too much of +cuticle?<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">No, boy, no "skins." +Let's try some beer,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A milder fluid for to-day;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ottawa bring us—<i>c'est à +dire</i>,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Some beer that keeps the 'ot +away.<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">No? Well, some ale: in +limpid Bass</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We'll drown our thirst and +parting grief;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Come drink—<i>arretez!</i> this <i>must</i> +pass—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Twould look too much like +bas-relief!<br> + <br> + </span> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The hour arrives; our +lips are dry;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">What <i>shall</i> it be? Oh, +name it for me!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">A <i>tasse</i> of gin? I drink +and fly</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To toss upon the ocean stormy.</span> + </div> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> <br> + <p><b>"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER."</b></p> + <p>Freedom of action is one of the greatest boons enjoyed by +mankind in modern days. Its rate of progress is encouraging, especially +since the Liberal Club of this city has taken it under its protection. +It is a very significant association, is the Liberal Club; rather +iconoclastic, to be sure, but only a little ahead of the times, +perhaps, in that respect; Some of our cherished forms of speech have +already been rendered obsolete by the Liberal Club. It used to be such +a clincher to say, when one wanted to enforce a point by indicating an +impossibility, "I will eat my boots unless"—etc., etc. That clincher +has gone to the place whither good clinchers go, forever. At a late +meeting of the Liberal Club, Professor VAN DER WEYDE contributed to the +evening collation a pudding made of an old boot. The pudding was +garnished with the wooden pegs that had kept the boot together, sole +and body, while it walked the earth. The boot-jack with which the +original source of the pudding used to be pulled off was also +exhibited, and excited great interest. It is the intention, of the +Professor to subject this implement to some process by which it will be +resolved into farina, or sawdust, and then to make a Jack Pudding of +it. Many of the ladies and gentlemen present partook of the boot +pudding, and pronounced it excellent. One lady, (a member of Sorosis, +we believe,) said that she thought it tasted like a pear. The Professor +assured her, however, that he had used but one boot in making it, not a +pair. Altogether, the pudding was a success. Freedom of action had been +vindicated, and the absurd prejudice that had hitherto prevented men +from utilizing their old boots as food, except in extreme cases, was +shattered with one blow.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>PANOPLY FOR OUR POLICE.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO felicitates the Municipal Police Force on the +magnificent new shields with which the manly breasts of its members are +decorated. Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO considers it sheer mockery to call +that a shield by which nothing is shielded. A buckle might as well be +called a buckler as the policeman's badge a shield. Already our noble +skirmishers of the side-walk are fully provided for the offensive, and, +considering the risks run by them from the roughs, the toughs and the +gruffs, it is high time that they were furnished with something in the +defensive line. Curb-chain undershirts have been suggested, but an +objection to their use is that links of them are apt to be carried into +the interior anatomy by pistol bullets, thus introducing a surplus of +iron into the blood,—an accession which is apt to steel the heart of +the officer thus experimented on, and so render him deaf to the cries +of innocence in distress. PUNCHINELLO suggests, then, that the +policeman's shield should <i>be</i> a shield. Let it be made +sufficiently large to cover the most vulnerable portion of the person, +as shown in the annexed design. If made of gong-metal, so much the +better, as the wearer could then ring out signals upon it with his +locust far more effectively than by the present ridiculous mode of +beating up rowdydow upon the flag-stones. Although our gallant +Municipal Blue is never backward in facing danger, yet it might be +judicious for him to wear a shield upon his back as well as upon his +front, because it is just possible that, in case of a row, his large, +heavy boots might be conveying him away in a direction diametrically +opposite to the spot at which the shooting was going on.</p> + <center> <img src="images/46b.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p>ARE OFFERING</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS</p> + <p><b>LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>FULL REGULAR MAKES,</b><br> +From 25 cents per pair upward.</p> + <p><small>ALSO,</small></p> + <p><b>GENTLEMENS' HALF HOSE,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b> EXTRA QUALITY,</b><br> +25 cents per pair upward.</p> + <p><b>LADIES LINES OF</b><br> +Ladies' and Gentlemens'<br> +Silk and Merino Underwear.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">8th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="3"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <b>CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</b><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>"The Awakening,"</b></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Wild Roses.</b></big></big> 12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Grand Exposition.<br> + <br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. STEWART & CO.</big></p> + <p><small>HAVE OPENED</small></p> + <p>A Splendid Assortment of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PARIS MADE DRESSES,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>From Worth E Pingnet and +other Celebrated Makers</small></p> + <p><small>ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS,</small><br> + <b>OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE,</b></p> + <p>Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not superior, to any in +this city.</p> + <p><big><b>Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats</b></big><br> +Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot'<br> +and other Modletes of the<br> +highest Parisian standing.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The Prices of the Above are +Extremely Attractive.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Extraordinary Bargains.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p>ARE OFFERING<br> + <big><b>GRAY MIXED SUITS,</b></big><br> + <small>MADE OF BEST QUALITY<br> + FRINGED CHEVIOT SUITINGS,<br> + $8 EACH.</small></p> + <p>Scotch Plaid Fringed Suits,<br> + <big><b>VERY HANDSOME,</b></big><br> +ALSO $8 EACH.</p> + <p><big><b>WATERPROOF SUITS,<br> + </b></big> WITH DEEP OVERSKITS,<br> +$10 EACH.</p> + <p>A LARGE STOCK OF<br> + <big><b>POPLIN ALPACA SUITS,</b></big><br> + CHOICE SHADES OF COLOR,<br> + From $12 each upward.</p> + <p>Heavy Rich<br> + <big><b>SILK AND POPLIN SUITS,</b></big><br> + ELEGANTLY TRIMMED,<br> +FROM $60 EACH UPWARD</p> + <p>ONE CASE PARIS-MADE SUITS,<br> + One Case Handsome Millinery,<br> + THREE CASES CHILDREN'S<br> +Part, and London Made</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>Dresses, Suits, Robes and +Underwear, One Case Pattern Velvet and Cloth. Cloaks, Sacques and +Richly Embroidered Breakfast Jackets,</small></p> + <p>AT VERY ATTRACTIVE PRICES.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS,</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img src="images/48.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>AGGRAVATING.</b></p> + <p><i>Sidewalk Merchant</i>. "BUY A BUNDLE OF TOOTHPICKS, +BOSS—ONLY THREE CENTS."<br><br> + <i>Old Gent</i>. "TOOTHPICKS?—WHY, I'VE JUST BIN AND HAD MY LAST +TOOTH OUT!"</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><br> + <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<br> + </small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><b>IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST +COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</b></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <b>For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, +NASHVILLE, MOBILE,<br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point."<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> Sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp.</small></p> + <br> + <br> + <b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b> </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</b>.<br> + <br> + <b>OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</b><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <b>ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL</b><br> + <br> + <small><b>WEEKLY PAPER,</b></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <b>ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</b><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> + <b>No 83 Nassau Street,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</b> </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October +15, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 29 *** + +***** This file should be named 10047-h.htm or 10047-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/4/10047/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October 15, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 11, 2003 [EBook #10047] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 29 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," to preserve the paper for binding, will be | + | sent postpaid, on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "503," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +VOL II., NO. 29 + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +Continued in this Number. + + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO-- the only first-class, | + | original, illustrated, humorous and satirical weekly paper | + | published in this country--ending with No. 26, September 24, | + | 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Extra Cloth, | + | | + | will be ready for delivery on Oct 1, 1870. | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | + | price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | + | and the Bound Volume, (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to | + | any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | + | extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | + | subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of a paper for one year, with a fine chromo | + | premium, for..... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | + | electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper everywhere. 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NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | + | | + | MATERNITY | + | | + | A POPULAR TREATISE | + | | + | For Young Wives and Mothers | + | | + | BY T. S. VERDI, A. M., M. D., OF WASHINGTON, D. C. | + | | + | Dr. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | + | Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | + | experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will hare a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J. B. 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Chandler. | + | | + | The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, | + | having purchased the subscription list and stock of the | + | American reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to | + | advance the interests of the American Chemical Science by | + | the publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of | + | communication for all practical, thinking, experimenting, | + | and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. | + | | + | The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | + | reception of original articles from any part of the country, | + | subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any | + | points of interest within the scope of the Journal will | + | receive prompt attention. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | + | | + | Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per | + | number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXII.--(Continued.) + +When Miss POTTS and Mr. SIMPSON rejoined Mr. DIBBLE, in the office of +the latter, across the street, it was decided that the flighty young +girl should be made less expensive to her friends by temporary +accommodation in an economical boarding-house, and that the Gospeler, +returning to Bumsteadville, should persuade Miss CAROWTHERS to come and +stay with her until the time for the reopening of the Macassar Female +College. + +Subsequently, with his homeless ward upon his arm, the benignant old +lawyer underwent a series of scathing rebuffs from the various +high-strung descendants of better days at whose once luxurious but now +darkened homes he applied for the desired board. Time after time was he +reminded, by unspeakably majestic middle-aged ladies with bass voices, +that when a fine old family loses its former wealth by those +vicissitudes of fortune which bring out the noblest traits of character +and compel the letting-out of a few damp rooms, it is significant of a +weak understanding, or a depraved disrespect of the dignity of +adversity, to expect that such families shall lose money and lower their +hereditary high tone by waiting upon a parcel of young girls. A few +Single Gentlemen desiring all the comforts of a home would not be +considered insulting unless they objected to the butter, and a couple of +married Childless Gentlemen with their wives might be pardoned for +respectfully applying; but the idea of a parcel of young girls! Wherever +he went, the reproach of not being a few Single Gentlemen, or a, couple +of married Childless Gentlemen with their wives, abashed Mr. DIBBLE into +helpless retreat; while FLORA'S increasing guilty consciousness of the +implacable sentiment against her as a parcel of young girls, culminated +at last in tears. Finally, when the miserable lawyer was beginning to +think strongly of the House of the Good Shepherd, or the Orphan Asylum, +as a last resort, it suddenly occurred to him that Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, a +distant widowed aunt of his clerk, Mr. BLADAMS, had been known to live +upon boarders in Bleecker Street; and thither he dragged hastily the +despised object on his arm. + +Being a widow without children, and relieved of nearly all the +weaknesses of her sex by the systematic refusal of the opposite sex to +give her any encouragement in them, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN was a relentless +advocate of Woman's Inalienable Rights, and only wished that Man could +just see himself in that contemptible light in which he was distinctly +visible to One who, sooner than be his Legal Slave, would never again +accompany him to the Altar. + +"I tell you candidly, DIBBLE," said she, in answer to his application, +"that if you had applied to be taken yourself, I should have said +'Never!' and at once called in the police. Since SKAMMERHORN died +delirious, I have always refused to have his sex in the house, and I +tell you, frankly, that I consider it hardly human. If this girl of +yours, however, and the elderly female whom, you say, she expects to +join her in a few days, will make themselves generally useful about the +house, and try to be companions to me, I can give them the very room +where SKAMMERHORN died." + +Perceiving that FLORA turned pale, her guardian whispered to her that +she would not be alone in the room, at any rate; and then respectfully +asked whether the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN had ever been seen around the +house since his death? + +"To be frank with you," answered the widow, "I did think that I came +upon him once in the closet, with his back to me, as often I'd seen the +weak creature in life going after a bottle on the top shelf. But it was +only his coat hanging there, with his boots standing below and my muff +hanging over to look like his head." + +"You think, then," said Mr. DIBBLE, inquiringly, "that it is such a room +as two ladies could occupy, without awaking at midnight with a strange +sensation and thinking they felt a supernatural presence?" + +"Not if the bed was rightly searched beforehand, and all the joints well +peppered with magnetic powder," was the assuring answer. + +"Could we see the room, madam?" + +"If the shutters were open you could; as they're not;" returned the +widow, not offering to stir; "but ever since SKAMMERHORN, starting up +with a howl, said 'Here he comes again, red-hot!' and tried to jump out +of the window, I've never opened them for any single man, and never +shall. I couldn't bear it, DIBBLE, to see one of your sex in that room +again, and hope you will not insist." + +Broken in spirit as he was by preceding humiliations, the old lawyer had +not the heart to contest the point, and it was agreed, that, upon the +arrival of Miss CAROWTHERS from Bumsteadville, she and FLORA should +accept the memorable room in question. + +Upon their way back to the hotel, guardian and ward met Mr. BENTHAM, +who, from the moment of becoming a character in their Story, had been +possessed with that mysterious madness for open-air exercise which +afflicted every acquaintance of the late EDWIN DROOD, and now saluted +them in the broiling street and solemnly besought their company for a +long walk. "It has occurred to me," said the Comic Paper man, who had +resumed his black worsted gloves, "that Mr. DIBBLE and Miss POTTS may be +willing to aid me in walking-off some of the darker suicidal +inclinations incident to first-class Humorous Journalism in America. +Reading the 'proof' of an instalment of a comic serial now publishing in +my paper, I contracted such gloom, that a frantic rush into the fresh +air was my only hope of on escape from self-destruction. Let us walk, +if you please." + +Led on, in the profoundest melancholy, by this chastened character, Mr. +DIBBLE and the Flowerpot were presently toiling hotly through a +succession of grievous side-streets, and forlorn short-cuts to dismal +ferries; the state of their conductor's spirits inclining him to find a +certain refreshingly solemn joy in the horrors of pedestrianism imposed +by obstructions of merchandise on side-walks, and repeated climbings +over skids extending from store doors to drays. Inspired to an +extraordinary flow of malignant animal spirits by the complexities of +travel incident to the odorous mazes of some hundred odd kegs of salt +mackerel and boxes of brown soap impressively stacked before one very +enterprising Commission house, Mr. BENTHAM lightened the journey with +anecdotes of self-made Commission men who had risen in life by breaking +human legs and city ordinances; and dwelt emotionally upon the scenes in +the city hospitals where ladies and gentlemen were brought in, with +nails from the hoops of sugar-hogsheads sticking into their feet, or +limbs dislocated from too-loftily piled firkins of butter falling upon +them. Through incredible hardships, and amongst astounding complications +of horse-cars, target companies, and barrels of everything, Mr. BENTHAM +also amused his friends with circuits of several of the fine public +markets of New York; explaining to them the relations of the various +miasmatic smells of those quaint edifices with the various devastating +diseases of the day, and expatiating quite eloquently upon the political +corruption involved in the renting of the stalls, and the fine openings +there were for Cholera and Yellow Fever in the Fish and Vegetable +departments. Then, as a last treat, he led his panting companions +through several lively up-hill blocks of drug-mills and tobacco firms, +to where they had a distant view of a tenement house next door to a +kerosene factory, where, as he vivaciously told them, in the event of a +fire, at least one hundred human beings would be slowly done to a turn. +After which all three returned from their walk, firmly convinced that an +unctuous vein of humor had been conscientiously worked, and abstractedly +wishing themselves dead.[1] + +The exhilarating effect of the genial Comic Paper man upon FLORA did +not, indeed, pass away, until she and Miss CAROWTHERS were in their +appointed quarters under the roof of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, whither they went +immediately upon the arrival of the elder spinster from Bumsteadville. + +"It could have been wished, my good woman," said Miss CAROWTHERS, +casting a rather disparaging look around the death-chamber of the late +Mr. SKAMMERHORN, "that you had assigned to educated single young ladies, +like ourselves, an apartment less suggestive of Man in his wedded +aspects. The spectacle of a pair of pegged boots sticking out from under +a bed, and a razor and a hone grouped on the mantle-shelf, is not such +as I should desire to encourage in the dormitory of a pupil under my +tuition." + +"That's much to be deplored, I'm sure, CAROWTHERS," returned Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN, severely, "and sorry am I that I ever married, on that +particular account. I'd not have done it, if you'd only told me. But, +seeing that I married SKAMMERHORN, and then he died delirious, his +boots and razor must remain, just as he often wished to throw the +former at me in his ravings. Once married is enough, say I; and those +who never were, through having no proposals, must bear with those who +have, and take things as they come." + +"There are those, I'd have you know, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, to whom proposals +have been no inducement," said Miss CAROWTHERS, sharply; "or, if being +made, and then withdrawn, have given our sex opportunities to prove, in +courts of law, that damages can still be got. I'm afraid of no Man, my +good woman, as a person named BLODGETT once learned from a jury; but +boots and razors are not what I would have familiar to the mind of one +who never had a husband to die in raging torments, nor yet has sued for +breach." + +"Miss POTTS is but a chicken, I'll admit," retorted Mrs. SKAMMERHORN; +"but you're not such, CAROWTHERS, by many a good year. On the contrary, +quite a hen. Then, you being with her, if the boots and razor make her +think she sees that poor, weak SKAMMERHORN a-ranging round the room, +when in his grave it is his place to be, you've only got to say: 'A fool +you are, and always were,'--as often I, myself, called at him in his +lifetime,--and off he'll go into his tomb again for fear of +broomsticks." + +"FLORA, my dear," said Miss CAROWTHERS, turning with dignity to her +pupil, "if I know anything of human nature, the man who has once got +away from here, will stay away. Only single ghosts have attachments for +the houses in which they once lived. So, never mind the boots and razor, +darling; which, after all, if seen by peddlers, or men who come to fix +the gas, might keep us safe from robbers." + +"As safe as any man himself, young woman, with pistols under his head +that he would never dare to fire if robbers were no more than cats +rampaging," added Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, enthusiastically. "With nothing but +an old black hat of SKAMMERHORN'S, and walking-cane, kept hanging in the +hall, I haven't lost a spoon by tramps or census takers for six mortal +years. So, make yourselves at home, I beg you both, while I go down and +cook the liver for our dinner. You'll find it tender as a chicken, after +what you've broke your teeth upon in boarding-schools; though +SKAMMERHORN declared it made him bilious in the second year, forgetting +what he'd drank with sugar to his taste, beforehand." + +Thus was sweet FLORA POTTS introduced to her new home; where, but for +looking down from her windows at the fashions, making-up hundreds of +bows of ribbons for her neck, and making-over all her dresses, her +woman's mind must have been a blank. What time Miss CAROWTHERS told her +all day how she looked in this or that style of wearing her hair, and +read her to sleep each night with extracts from the pages of cheery +HANNAH MORE. As for the object nearest her young heart, to say that she +was wholly unruffled by it would be inaccurate; but by address she kept +it hidden from all eyes save her own. + +[Footnote 1: Ordinary readers, while admiring the heavy humor of this +unexpected open-air episode, may wonder what on earth it has to do with +the the Story; but the cultivated few, understanding the ingenious +mechanics of novel-writing, will appreciate it as a most skilful and +happy device to cover the interval between the hiring of Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN's room, and the occupation thereof by FLORA and her late +teacher--another instance of what our profoundly critical American +journals call "artistic--elaboration." (See corresponding Chapter of +the original English Story.)] + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +GOING HOME IN THE MORNING. + +After having thrown all his Ritualistic friends at home into a most +unholy and exasperated condition of mind, by a steady series of vague +remarks as to the extreme likelihood of their united implication in the +possible deed of darkness by which he has lost a broadcloth nephew and +an alpaca umbrella, the mournful Mr. BUMSTEAD is once more awaiting the +dawn in that popular retreat in Mulberry Street where he first +contracted his taste for cloves. The Assistant-Assessor and the Alderman +of the Ward are again there, tilted back against the wall in their +chairs; their shares in the Congressional Nominating Convention held in +that room earlier in the night having left them too weary for further +locomotion. The decanters and tumblers hurled by the Nominating +Convention over the question of which Irishman could drink the most to +be nominated, are still scattered about the floor; here and there a +forgotten slungshot marks the places where rival delegations have +confidently presented their claims for recognition; and a few +bullet-holes in the wall above the bar enumerate the various pauses in +the great debate upon the perils of the public peace from Negro +Suffrage. + +Reclining with great ease of attitude upon an uncushioned settee, the +Ritualistic organist is aroused from dreamy slumber by the turning-over +of the pipe in his mouth, and majestically motions for the venerable +woman of the house to come and brush the ashes from his clothes. + +"Wud yez have it filled again, honey?" asks the woman. "Sure, wan pipe +more would do ye no harrum." + +"I'mtooshleepy," he says, dropping the pipe. + +"An' are yez too shlapey, asthore, to talk a little bissiness wid an +ould woman?" she asks, insinuatingly. "Couldn't yez be afther payin' me +the bit av a schore I've got agin ye?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his eyes reproachfully, and wishes to know how she +can dare talk about money matters to an organist who, at almost any +moment, may be obliged to see a Chinaman hired in his place on account +of cheapness? + +"Could the haythen crayture play, thin?" she asks, wonderingly. + +"Thairvairimitative," he tells her;--"Cookwashiron' n' eatbirdsnests." + +"An' vote would they, honey?" + +"Yesh--'f course--thairvairimitative, I tell y'," snarls he: +"do'tcheapzdirt." + +"Is it vote chaper they would, the haythen naygurs, than daycint, +hardworkin' white min?" she asks, excitedly. + +"Yesh. Chinesecheaplabor," he says, bitterly. + +"Och, hone!" cries the woman, in anguish; "and f'hat's the poor to do +then, honey?" + +"Gowest; go'nfarm!" sobs Mr. BUMSTEAD, shedding tears. "I'd go m'self if +a-hadn't lost dear-er-rerelative.--Nephew'n' umbrella." + +"Saint PAYTHER! an' f'hat's that?" + +"EDWINS!" cries the unhappy organist, starting to his feet with a wild +reel. "Th' pride of'suncle'sheart! I see 'm now, +in'sh'fectionatemanhood, with whalebone ribs, made 'f alpaca, +andyetsoyoung. 'Help me!' hiccries; 'PENDRAGON'sash'nate'n me!' +hiccries--and I go!" + +While uttering this extraordinary burst of feeling, he has advanced +towards the door in a kind of demoniac can-can, and, at its close, +abruptly darts into the street and frantically makes off. + +"The cross of the holy fathers!" ejaculates the woman, momentarily +bewildered by this sudden termination of the scene. Then a new +expression comes swiftly over her face, and she adds, in a different +tone, "Odether-nodether, but it's coonin' as a fox he is, and it's off +he's gone again widout payin' me the schore! Sure, but I'll follow him, +if it's to the wurruld's ind, and see f'hat he is and where he is." + +Thus it happens that she reaches Bumsteadville almost as soon as the +Ritualistic organist, and, following him to his boarding-house, +encounters Mr. TRACEY CLEWS upon the steps. + +"Well, now!" calls that gentleman, as she looks inquiringly at him, "who +do you want?" + +"Him as just passed in, your Honor." + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD?" + +"Ah. Where does he play the organ?" + +"In St. Cow's Church, down yonder. Mass at seven o'clock, and he'll be +there in half an hour." + +"It's there I'll be, thin," mumbles the woman; "and bad luck to it that +I didn't know before; whin I came to ax him for me schore, and might +have gone home widout a cint but for a good lad named EDDY who gave me a +sthamp.--The same EDDY, I'm thinkin', that I've heard him mutter about +in his shlape at my shebang in town, whin he came there on political +business." + +After a start and a pause, Mr. CLEWS repeats his information concerning +the Ritualistic church, and then cautiously follows the woman as she +goes thither. + +Unconscious of the remarkable female figure intently watching him from +under a corner of the gallery, and occasionally shaking a fist at him, +Mr. BUMSTEAD attends to the musical part of the service with as much +artistic accuracy as a hasty head-bath and a glass of soda-water are +capable of securing. The worshippers are too busy with risings, +kneelings, bowings, and miscellaneous devout gymnastics, to heed his +casual imperfections, and his headache makes him fiercely indifferent to +what any one else may think. + +Coming out of the athletic edifice, Mr. CLEWS comes upon the woman +again, who seems excited. + +"Well?" he says. + +"Sure he saw me in time to shlip out of a back dure," she returns, +savagely; "but it's shtrait to his boording-house I'm going afther him, +the spalpeen." + +Again Mr. TRACEY CLEWS follows her; but this time he allows her to go up +to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, while he turns into his own apartment where his +breakfast awaits him. "I can make a chalk mark for the trail I've struck +to-day," he says; and then thoughtfully attacks the meal upon the +table.[2] + +(_To be Continued._) + + +[Footnote 2: At this point, the English original of this Adaptation--the +"Mystery of EDWIN DROOD"--breaks off forever.] + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Nilsson has come; and, sad to say, has brought dissension and discord +with her. Not that there is any discord in her matchless voice, but +there is a vast amount of wrangling as to her precise merits. Do you +doubt this? Then come with me in my light Fourth Avenue car, while the +stars are bright and the sky is blue, (this is an adaptation of a once +popular love-song by Dr. WATTS,) and we will go to Steinway Hall to hear +the Improved Swedish Nightingale, and feast our eyes on STRAKOSCH'S +flowers. + +We pass up the steep staircase--with many misgivings as to our ankles, +if we belong to the sex which considers the possession of those +anatomical features a fact to be carefully concealed, provided they are +not symmetrical. We pass the door-keeper, who, as is the custom of his +kind, frowns malignantly at us, and evidently asks himself--"How much +longer can I refrain from tearing up the tickets of these impudent +pleasure-seekers, and throwing the pieces in their infamously contented +countenances?" We gain the hall, and are sent to the inevitable "other +aisle," by the usher, (by the way, why is it that one always gets into +the wrong aisle, only to be ignominiously ordered to the opposite side +of the house?) and we finally turn various illegal occupants out of our +seats, and begin to fan ourselves in fervid anticipation of the coming +musical treat. A buzz of conversation is everywhere going on. Did any +one ever notice the curious fact that a middle-aged man and woman can +converse at a theatre or concert room without either one finding any +difficulty in hearing what the other says, while no young man can make +his accompanying young lady hear a single word unless his mouth is in +close proximity to her ear? This singular state of things is doubtless +due to the peculiar acoustical properties of public buildings. We +manage, however, to hear a good deal of both young and middle-aged +conversation, of the following improving type. + +RURAL PERSON. "I've heard most everybody that's sung in our Philadelphy +opera house, and some of 'em are pretty hard to beat. NILSSON may beat +'em, you know. Mind, now, I don't say she won't, but she's got a mighty +hard row to hoe." + +CRITIC. _(Who sent for seats for his eight sisters and their +friends--but who did not get them.)_ "There comes the Scandinavian +Society--fifty Irishmen at fifty cents a head. Did you see the flowers +piled up in the lobby? MAX paid seven hundred dollars for the lot." + +YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! I wish you wouldn't look at that fellow across the +way. You know how your own darling loves you, and--" + +YOUNG LADY. "Hush! Don't bother. Here comes VIEUXTEMPS." + +VIEUXTEMPS plays, and the audience listens with the air of people who +are dreadfully bored, but are afraid to show it. He disappears with an +amount of applause carefully graduated so as to express enthusiasm +without the desire for hearing him again. The Rural Person remarks that +"he doesn't think much of fiddlers anyhow. Give him a trombone, or a +banjo, for his money." + +MR. WEHLI then trifles with the piano. Him, too, the audience politely +endure, but plainly do not appreciate. They have come to hear NILSSON, +and feel outraged at having to hear anybody else. A cornet solo by the +Angel GABRIEL himself would be secretly regarded as undoubtedly +artistic, but certainly a little out of place. + +CHORUS OF RIVAL PIANO-MAKERS. "What a wretched instrument that poor +fellow is made to play upon. Nobody can produce any effect on a STEINWAY +piano. It's good for nothing but for boarding-school practice." + +CRITIC, (who knows Mr. STEINWAY.) "Anybody can please people by playing +on a STEINWAY. I defy WEHLI or any other man to play badly on such a +superb instrument as that." + +YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! Do you remember the day when you gave me one of +your hair-pins? I have worn it next my--" + +YOUNG LADY. "Oh, don't bother. NILSSON is just going to sing." + +And she does sing, with that voice so matchless in its perfect purity, +that even the disappointed critic grows uneasy as he tries in vain to +find some reasonable fault with it. She ceases, and amid wild cheers +from the paying part of the audience, silent approval from the +deadheads, and shouts of "Hooroo!" and "Begorra!" from the Scandinavian +Society, MAX'S flowers are brought in solemn procession up the aisle, +and laid at the feet of the Improved Nightingale. + +CRITIC. "Those flowers will just be taken out of the back door, and +brought in again to be used the second time. There's a hand-cart waiting +for them now, at the Fifteenth Street entrance." + +SIX PRIME DONNE, _(who were not asked to sing at the NILSSON concerts.)_ +"Well, did you ever hear 'Angels Ever Bright' sung in a more atrocious +style? If that is NILSSON's idea of expression, the sooner she leaves +the stage to artists, the better." + +CYNICAL OLD MUSICIAN. "Bah! NILSSON infuses religious sentiment into her +singing, and these envious creatures don't know what religious sentiment +is, so they think she is all wrong. If she had sung HANDEL with a smile, +and a coquettish tossing of her head, they would still have hated her, +but they would not have ventured to call her "inartistic."" + +YOUNG MAN. "Darling! I had rather hear your sweet voice, than listen to +NILSSON or a choir of angels for the rest of my--" + +YOUNG LADY. "CHARLES, you will drive me wild, with your intolerable +spooniness. I'll never come out with you again. See how the SMITH girls +are looking at you." + +RURAL PERSON. "--So I says to the usher, 'If you think I'm a countryman +who don't know what's what, you're everlastingly sold.' 'I'm from +Philadelphy,' says I, 'and we've got singers there that can knock spots +out of your NILLOGGS and KELSONS and the rest of 'em.' So he just--" + +RIVAL MANAGER. "My tear fellow, you shust mind dis. MAX vill lose all +his monish. NILSSON can't sing, my tear! She vanted me to encage her a +year ago, but I vouldn't do it. Dere ish no monish in her, now you mind +vot I says." + +DISTINGUISHED TEACHER. "You call her an artist! Why, look here, if one +of my scholars were to phrase as wretchedly as she does, I'd never show +my face in public again. Her voice is so-so, but her school is simply +infamous." + +CELEBRATED TEACHER. "Well, I don't mind saying that I never heard her +equal in point of quality of voice. She gives you pure tone, which is +what hardly any other singer does." + +NINE TENTHS OF THE AUDIENCE. "She is perfectly lovely. There never was +anybody like her." + +CONNOISSEUR, _(who really does know something about music, but who +actually has no prejudices.)_ "Her voice is such a one as MARGARET must +have had when she sang by her spinning-wheel, before fate threw her in +the way of FAUST. And these professional musicians will tear her +reputation to pieces among themselves! Why should musical people be, of +all others, most fond of discord?" + +CRITIC. "There! those fools are determined to make her sing again. I +can't stand this. I'll see MAX once more, and if he don't do the right +thing, I'll say that NILSSON was played out in Europe before she came +here, and that she is a complete failure." + +YOUNG MAN, "Sweetest! may I ask you one question?" + +YOUNG LADY. "No, you shan't. Will you keep quiet? Everybody is looking +at you." + +EVERYBODY. "Sh! sh! sh!" + +NILSSON sings again. As her delicious notes die out in the thunder of +applause, I make my way out of the Hall, into the clear and silent +night. For not even the witchery of VIEUXTEMPS'S violin is fit to mate +in memory with the peerless tones of NILSSON. + +Here I meant to do some fine writing, but as this is PUNCHINELLO, and +not the "Easy Chair" of Harper's Magazine, I conquer the temptation. +Wherefore I accept the gratitude of my readers, and sign myself + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Congestion at "The Sun." + +PUNCHINELLO is pained to know that the circulation of his bewitching +contemporary, _The Sun_, is daily growing more and more languid. +Paralysis has set in, and the patient but seldom has the energy to +dictate the daily bulletin giving the state of his circulation. + + * * * * * + +Only a Suggestion. + +It will be bad enough for the Prussian Cavalrymen to water their horses +in the Seine, but if they go to driving their stakes in the Bois de +Boulogne, won't the Parisians think it looks a little like running +things into the ground? + + * * * * * + +OUR MASTERS OF ART. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: The knights of the pencil and easel, having returned +from their usual visits to their summer haunts, and having exchanged the +blue skies and grassy vales of Nature for the smoky ceilings and dirty +floors of Art, (I believe that is the proper way to commence this kind +of an article,) your correspondent has visited a number of them, and has +obtained authentic accounts of their present occupations, and has also +been permitted to make slight sketches of some of their principal works. + +BIERSTADT, as usual, is painting Yos. Having entirely exhausted the Yo +Semite, he is now at work on a grand picture of a Southdown Ewe, and +will soon commence a view of his studio,--at sunrise. He well deserves +his title of the Yeoman of Art. + +JAMES HAMILTON, of Philadelphia, is painting a sunset. It may not be +generally known, but it is a fact, that he paints the sun every time it +sets. The following sketch will give a good idea of his next great +picture. The nails are inserted in the sun to keep it from going down +any further, and spoiling the scene. + +[Illustration] + +WILLIAM T. RICHARDS, of the same city, is hard at work on a picture +which is intended to represent, to the life, water in motion; a +specialty which he has lately adopted. It is entitled "A Scene on the +Barbary Coast; Water in Motion, Steamer in the Distance." The subjoined +sketch represents the general plan of the picture. + +[Illustration] + +Still another Philadelphia artist, Mr. ROTHERMEL, is very busy at a +great work. He is putting the finishing-touches to his vast painting of +the Battle of Gettysburg. On this enormous canvas may be seen correct +likenesses of all the principal generals, colonels, captains, majors, +first and second lieutenants, sergeant-majors, sergeants, corporals and +high privates who were engaged in that battle; and by the consummate +skill of the artist, each one of them, to the great gratification of +himself and his family, is placed prominently in the foreground. Such +distinguished success should meet appropriate reward, and it is now +rumored that the artist will soon be commissioned by Congress to paint +for the Rotunda of the Capitol a grand picture of our late civil war, +with all the incidents of that struggle, upon one canvas. + +Of the artists who affect the "shaded wood," we learn that Mr. HENNESSY, +now absent in Europe, is drawing another "Booth." Whether this is +intended particularly for "Every Saturday," I cannot say, but I suppose +it will answer for any other week-day. At any rate, here is his last +"Booth." + +[Illustration] + +NAST is at work on a series of sarcastic pictures illustrating the +miseries of France. Most of them show how LOUIS NAPOLEON ought to finish +up his career and dynasty. In fact, should this gifted artist ever +travel among Bonapartists, he will certainly be hunted down in an +astounding manner, and the populace, adopting American customs, will +probably congregate to see him astride a rail. Two of his smaller +studies are very interesting. One of them, called "An Astray," is simply +a ray of black light; and another, intended for the contemplation of +persons who desire light and airy pictures, is simply a portrait of +himself, entitled "A Nasturtium." + +The well-known Miss EDMONIA LEWIS has been exhibiting her statue of +"HAGAR," in Chicago. As HAGAR was the first woman who suffered anything +like divorce, Chicago is a capital place for her statue, and Miss LEWIS +evidently knows what she is about. Her name reminds me that our great +landscapist, LEWIS, is at work on a picture which he calls "A Scene in +France after a Reign." This little sketch will give an idea of the +painting. + +[Illustration] + +Most of our other artists are also worthily engaged, but time, (I +believe that is the regular way to end an article of this kind) will not +permit present mention of them. + +EFARES. + + * * * * * + +HAM AND EGGS. + +War always brings with it its signs and portents. A hen somewhere in +Virginia, according to a local paper, has lately produced an egg on the +white of which the word "War" was plainly written in black letters. Now, +when we consider that the career of LOUIS NAPOLEON was more or less +influenced by Ham, there is something very significant in the advent of +this providential egg; nor should we be surprised to learn, ere long, +that the same hen had laid another egg, this time with a Prussian yolk. + + * * * * * + +Eheu! Strasbourg. + +Reading an old traveller's description of the famous Cathedral of +Strasbourg, we note that he dwells particularly on its "fretted +windows." + +Ah! yes. They have much to fret about, now, have these old windows; and +that makes us think whether the _larmiers_ of the roof over them do not +run real tears. + + * * * * * + +"Lo" Cunning. + +The cunning of the red Indian of the Plains. + + * * * * * + +PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. + +A gaunt, tall, spectacled creature, gender feminine, number singular, +person first, case always possessive, that's the standard bearer; a +broomstick from the top of which floats a petticoat, that's the +standard. Under that standard march in the U.S. at least 20,000,000 +feminines, and--horrible to relate--gal children are on the increase. + +Certainly the devil must have invented petticoats. After EVE had +finished up that little apple job, she went into the petticoat business, +and--hence all our tears. Instantly petticoat government became a +possibility. Then, as her daughters became wiser, they invented the +weeping business, the swooning business, and the curtain lecture +business; they went for our pocket-books and they got them, and +petticoat government became a probability. Not satisfied with the +pocket-books, they are now going for the business by means of which we +fill the books, and oh, what a hankering they have for public pap! They +stick to the curtain lecture business, but now they do it before the +curtain. Alas, petticoat government is now a certainty! + +It's all very well for you to talk about the grandeur of the governments +of BOADICEA, and ELIZABETH and CATHERINE, but I don't believe that BOA, +or LIZZY, or KATE would have been very nice as a companion, if she and +you were sitting before the fire, and she wanted stamps and was going +for them as a matter of business. Besides, there was only one of them at +a time, and they didn't trouble common people much, but in this +enlightened nineteenth century I have seen a poor, miserable, six foot +dry-goods clerk turned out of a retail store by a strapping little +female, who couldn't jump a counter worth shucks. I have seen him in his +misery industriously study "What I Know About Farming," squat on a farm +in the West, and bring himself, his wife, and four miserable offshoots +to the alms-house by endeavoring to apply the rules set down in "What I +Know About Farming" to 160 acres of land. I have seen the poor, +half-paid type-setters strike for their altars, their sires, and more +wages, and I have seen a troop of petticoats, with gal children inside +them, trot into the type-setter's place, so that the miserable +compositors were compelled to return and starve on four or five dollars +a day. That's petticoat government with a vengeance. Putting your nose +to the grindstone isn't nice at any time, but it's awful when the gal +children turn. + +But that is only the beginning. They have struck for bigger things. In +the expressive language of the immortal JOHNNY MILTON, they are going +for the whole hog. They want to vote; some of them have been caught +repeating already; they want to sit on juries, and they want to go to +Congress. Heaven forbid that any of them should ever reach the House of +Representatives! Imagine the size of the _Congressional Globe_ if we +should send women there! Why, there would be as great a dearth of paper +in Washington as there is now in Paris. They want to shave you, dress +you, doctor you into your coffins, preach a funeral discourse over your +remains, and then take your will into the Surrogate's Court and fight +over the little property they have left you. + +They say all this means that they are our equals, and intend to show it. +Listen. In a town some hundreds of miles distant there is a law firm +whose sign reads thus: + + MRS. SMITH _and husband_. + +Shades of our forefathers! Ghost of BLUEBEARD! Spirit of HENRY VIII! can +this thing be? Imagine old LABAN'S daughter starting in business, and +hanging out a sign something like this: + + +-------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MRS. JACOB _and husband, | + | Having large orders from the West_, | + | SOLICIT CUSTOM. | + | N.B.--Gentlemen attended to by Mr. JACOB. | + | _The Original Mrs_. JACOB. | + | | + +-------------------------------------------+ + +Don't you suppose that JACOB, if he had found that sign over his +doorstep, would have raised a row, and if he had been overcome, don't +you suppose he would have wondered what he served those seven years for? + +Oh, young man, sitting by the side of that dainty damsel, looking so +spoonily into her deep blue eyes, playing so daintily with her golden +curls, sucking honey so frequently from her ruby lips, beware! _beware!_ +BEWARE! Remember, when she wants stamps, you can't put her off as your +pa did your ma. You can't say, "Business is awful dull," because she'll +do the business, and make you her book-keeper or porter or something of +that sort + +Petticoat government is all very well for those who like it. Some men go +through life playing a sort of insane tag, in which, first their +mothers' petticoats, and then their wives', are hunk, and they never +leave hunk. As for me, give me trouser government, or give me a first +class funeral procession with me for the corpse. + +Brethren, listen! Give me your ears! (the big ones first.) This thing +must be stopped _now_. Let us form an association for the suppression of +women, or a society for the prevention of cruelty to men. There is but +one way to cure this thing. Far out on the Western prairies dwells the +only sensible man on this continent. In the city ruled by him a man may +come home as tired as gin can make him, and his wife opens not her +mouth; he may jump over as many counters as he pleases, and none of his +wives will desire to go and do likewise. There she is the weaker vessel, +and it takes so many of her to equal one man, that she is kept in a +proper state of subjection. That's the secret; marry her a good deal. +The old maids are the ones who start the rows. Let them all be married +to some one man of a peaceable, loving, quiet disposition--say WENDELL +PHILLIPS. Let the President, if necessary, issue his proclamation making +the United States one vast Utah, and let us all be Young. + +LOT. + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I should tell you that I particularly excelled in +writing verses you'd hardly believe me. But such is the fact. I've sent +poem after poem to all the first-class magazines in the country, which, +if they'd been published, would have enabled me to pay my debts, and +start new accounts from Maine to Georgia. But they've never been +published--and why? It's jealousy. A child with half an eye can see +that. Those boss poets who get the big salaries, probably see my verses, +and pay the publishers a big price not to print 'em. + +How little the public know of the inside workings of these things! + +I'm disgusted with this trickery, and am going to shut right down on the +whole thing. Oh! they may howl, but not another line do they get! + +I'm going into the song business. That's something that isn't overdone. +I composed a perfect little gem lately. It is called "Lines on the death +of a child." I chose this subject because it is comparatively new. A few +have attempted it, but they betray a crudeness and lack of pathos +painful to witness. + +Whether I have supplied that deficiency or not is for the public, not +me, to judge. But if the public, or any other man, be he male or female, +thinks that by ribaldry and derision I can be induced to publish the +whole of this work before it's copyrighted, they're mistaken. The salt +that's going on the tail of this particular fowl ain't ripe yet. + +It's going to be set to music and it'll probably hatch a song. I called +on a publisher last week about it. + +"Don't you think," said I, "that it'll take 'em by storm?" + +"Worse than that," he replied. "It's a reg'lar _line_ gale." + +I knew he'd be enthusiastic about it. + +He said he hadn't got any notes in, that would fit it just then, but be +expected a lot in the next steamer, and I could have my choice. He was +very polite, and I thanked him kindly. + +Jealous as I am of my reputation, I am willing to stake it on this poem. +A man don't collect the obituary notices of one hundred infants and boil +'em down over a slow fire without something to be proud of, you know. + +Here is a sample of it: + + LINES ON THE DEATH OF A CHILD. + + "Tell me, dear mother, + Hast the swallows homeward flode + When the clock strikes nine? + Does our WILLIE'S spirit roam + In that home + Beyond the skies, + Along with LIZE? + Say, mother + Say--" + +The other verses are, if anything, better than this. If you are anxious +to publish this poem entire, why not leave out the pictures and all the +reading matter from PUNCHINELLO for two weeks, and show the public what +genius, brains, and ability can accomplish, unaided? If you publish it +in detachments, it weakens it, you see. If the verses can't lean against +each other, they pine away immediately. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG DEMOC TRYING TO PUT THE BIG SACHEM'S PIPE OUT. + +_Big Sachem_. "SAY, YOUNG MAN, AIN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'LL BURN YOUR +BREECHES?"] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG HAS HIS HEAD EXAMINED. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--The last time I visited a barber's shop I wanted my +hair trimmed. Being in somewhat of a hurry for the train, I told the +proprietor to cut it short. As a matter of course, I was left. As for my +hair, there was precious little of that left, though. Science was too +much for it. A hand-glass, brought to bear upon a mirror, opened up a +perspective of pretty much all the back country belonging to my skull, +that is seldom equalled outside the State Prison or the Prize Ring. + +I was indignant. I was so mad that my hair stood on end--voluntarily. +The barber talked soothingly of making a discount on the bill; and I, +looking at it in a strictly diplomatic light, gradually permitted myself +to grow calmer. He went further, and did the handsome thing by me--as if +it wasn't enough to cut under his price! A phrenologist by profession, +so he said, he had resorted to barbering simply for amusement, and under +the circumstances he would give me a professional sitting gratuitously. + +It has always been a cherished ambition with me to have my head surveyed +and staked out scientifically; SO I told him at once he might take it +and look it over. + +"My friend," said I, as I gracefully described an imaginary aureole +about my brain factory, "you abolish the poll-tax. I grant you full +leave to explore." + +This was the first time I ever had my head examined. The whole of me, it +is true, was once examined before a Trial Justice; but as that was years +ago, and it was "the other boy" that was to blame, I refrain from +incorporating the details into the history of our country. + +It occurred to me that old Scissors couldn't have been much of a +scholar; at all events he breathed very hard for an educated man, and he +had a rough, muscular way of moving his fingers about my upper story, +that made those regions ache every time he touched them. You may fancy +my feelings. I certainly didn't fancy _his_. + +For the benefit of those who come after us, (I don't refer to Sheriffs +and Constables, so much as I do to posterity,) I append a few results of +the gentleman's vigorous researches. + + * * * + +"There's a great deal of surface here; in fact, everybody that is +acquainted with this head must be struck at once with its superficial +contents." + +"Thickness--obvious. Great breadth between the ears, indicating +longevity. You will never die of teething, or cholera infantum; nor is +it likely you will ever become a murderess. + +"Forehead, large and imposing; that is, it might impose on people who +don't know you. + +"Your intellect may be pronounced massive, dropsical, in fact. You have +brilliant talents, but your bump of cash payments is remarkably small. + +"Locality, 20 to 30. You are always somewhere, or just going there. +Eventuality, 18 carat fine; absorption, 99 per cent. This means you will +eventually absorb a good deal of borrowed money. + +"I find here acquisitiveness and secretiveness enough to stock an entire +Board of Aldermen and a Congressional Committee." + +"Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a colossal +scale. Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you would be +in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country. + +"If I owned that sanguine temperament of yours, I should proceed at once +to marry into President GRANT'S family, and take some foreign mission. + +"You're a good feeder. Alimentiveness and order well developed. No man +better fitted to order a waiter around. From the immature condition of +your organ of benevolence, I shouldn't care, however, to be the waiter. + +"Self esteem doesn't seem to have been kept back by the drought. + +"Ideality, I discover from the depression in the S. W. corner, is +missing. Nature beautifully compensates this loss by making language +very full--more words than ideas. In profane language, I dare say, now, +you are particularly gifted. + +"In one respect your head resembles that of the Father of His Country. +It lacks adhesiveness. So does GEORGE'S--on the postage stamps. + +"Unlike most subjects, your organ of firmness is not confined to any one +spot, but is spread over the entire skull. This phenomenon is due to +your being what we technically call 'mule-headed'--a fine specimen +which--" + +"Excuse me," said I, unwilling any longer to impose on his good nature, +"I feel I must make sure of that other train, so I will just trouble you +for that organ of firmness and the rest of them. I never travel without +them." Then, hurrying all my phrenology into my hat, I started down the +street. + +I wonder he didn't say something about my memory's being below +par--somehow I quite forgot to pay him for shaving me. + +Yours, without recourse, + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY "HARD CIDER." + +THE PIPPINS OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY, (MESSRS. MORRISSEY, O'BRIEN, AND +FOX,) GETTING THEIR LAST SQUEEZE FROM GOVERNOR HOFFMAN.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM. + +He Strays among Sharpers, and "Sees the Elephant." + +There's many things in the big city which pleases me, and causes us +_all_ to feel hily tickled over our success as a Republic. + +At the present writin', many furrin' nations would give all their old +butes and shoes if, like us, they could throw their roolers overboard +every 4 years, and have a new deel. + +Our institutions are, many of 'em, sound: altho' I've diskivered to my +sorrer, that some of the inhabitants of New York are about as +puselanermus a set of dead-beats which ever stood up. + +While sojernin' here, my distinguished looks kicked up quite a sensation +wherever I put in an appearance. On one occasion, a man stepped up to me +who thought I was a banker, and richer than Creosote, and wanted me to +change a $100 bill. I diden't do it. Not much. No, sir-ee!--they +coulden't fool the old man on that ancient dodge. + +But, friend PUNCHINELLO, to my disgust and shagrin', I must acknolidge +the corn, and say, I hain't quite so soon as I allers give myself credit +for bein', as the sekel of this letter will show. + +Last Saturday P.M. I was a sailin' down Dye Street with my bloo cotton +umbreller under my arm, feelin' all so fine and so gay. + +When near the corner of West Street I turned around just in time to see +a ragged boy pick up a pocket-book. + +As the afoursaid boy started to run off, a well dressed lookin' man +ketched him by the cote coller. + +"What in thunder are you about?" says the boy. + +"That pocket-book belongs to this old gentleman," said the man, pintin' +to me. "I saw him drop it." + +"No it don't, nether," said the boy, tryin' to break away, "and I want +yer to let go my cote coller." + +The infatuated youth then tried his level best to jerk away, while his +capturer yanked and cuffed him, ontil the boy sot up a cryin'. + +I notissed as the youth turned around that he partly opened the wallet, +which was chock full of greenbax. + +A thought suddenly struck me. That 'ere boy looked as if he was depraved +enuff to steel the shoe-strings off'n the end of a Chinaman's cue, so +the Monongohalian's hair woulden't stay braided. + +Thinks I, if the young raskel should keep that pocket-book, like as not +he mite buy a fashinable soot of close and enter on a new career of +crime, and finally fetch up as a ward polertician. + +I must confess, that as I beheld that wallet full of bills, my mouth did +water rather freely, and I made up my mind, if wuss come to wusser, I +would not allow too much _temptashun_ to get in that boy's way. The man +turned to me and says: + +"Stranger, this is your pocket-book, for I'le swear I saw you drop it." + +What could a poor helpless old man like me do in euch a case, Mister +PUNCHINELLO? That man was willin' to sware that I dropped it, and I +larnt enuff about law, when I was Gustise of the Peece, to know I +coulden't swear I diden't drop it, and any court would decide agin me; +at the same time my hands itched to get holt of the well filled wallet. + +I trembled all over for fear a policeman, who was standin' on the +opposite corner, mite come over and stick in his lip. + +But no! like the wooden injuns before cigar stores, armed with a +tommyhawk and scalpin' knife, these city petroleums, bein' rather +slippery chaps, hain't half so savage as they look. + +When the boy heerd the man say I owned the pocket-book he caved in, and +began to blubber. Said he, whimperin': + +"Well--I--want--a--re--ward--for--findin' the--pocket-bo--hoo--ok." + +The well dressed individual, still holdin' onto the boy, then said to +me: + +"My friend, I'me a merchant, doin' bizziness on Broadway, at 4-11-44. +You've had a narrer escape from losin' your pocket-book. Give this rash +youth $50, to encourage him in bein' honest in the futer, and a glorious +reward awaits you. Look at me, sir!" said he, vehemently; "the turnin' +pint of my life was similar to this depraved youth's; but, sir! a reward +from a good lookin', beneverlent old gent like you, made a man of me, +and to-day I'me President of a Society for the _Penny-Ante_ corruption +of good morrils,' and there hain't a judge in the city who wouldn't give +me a home for the pleasure of my company." + +Such a man, I knew, woulden't lie about seein' me drop that pocket-book. +I took another look at the Guardian (?) of the public peace, morrils, +etc., who, when he was on his _Beat_, haden't the least objection to +anybody else bein' on _their beat_. He wasen't lookin' our way, but was +star-gazin', seein' if the sines was rite for him to go and take another +drink. + +"You are sure you saw me drop this wallet?" said I, addressin' the +President of the Penny-antee Society. + +"I'le take my affidavy on it," said he. + +I pulled out $50 and handed it to the boy, who handed me the pocket-book. + +"Mrs. GREEN! Mrs. GREEN!" soliloquised I, as I walked away, feelin' as +rich as if I held a good fat goverment offis, "if you could only see +your old man now, methinks you'd feel sorry that you hid all of his +close one mornin' last spring, so he coulden't go and attend a barn +raisin'. Yes, madam, your talented husband has struck ile." + +I stepped in a stairway to count my little fortin. I was very much +agitated. The wallet was soon opened; when-- + +"Ye ministers fallen from grace, defend us!" was the first exclamation +which bust 4th from my lips; for I hope to be flambusticated if I hadn't +gone and paid $50 for a lot of brown paper, rapt up into patent medesin +advertisements, printed like greenbax. + +For a few minnits I was crazier than a loon. + +I rusht madly into the street, runnin' into an old apple woman, nockin' +her "gally west." + +I quickly jumped to my feet and begun hollerin': + +"Murder! Thieves! Robbers!" + +The Policemen scattered, while a crowd of ragged urchins colected about +me. "My youthful vagabones," roared I, as loud as I could scream, "bring +along your stuffed wallets. The market price of brown paper is $50 an +ounce on call.--If you are lookin' for a greenhorn, I'me your man." + +I then broke my umbreller over a lamp-post, and button-hold a passer by, +offerin him a $100 if he'd send me to a loonatic asilum. + +Seein' a sine on the opposite corner which read: "Weigher's Office," I +rusht wildly in, and said to a man: + +"Captin, I've been _litened_. If you've got such a thing as a pair of +apothecary's scales about your premises, dump me on and give me the +figgers." + +I then tried to jump through a winder, but the man caught me by the cote +tails, and haulin' me back, sot me down into a cheer. + +I soon got cooled down, when I told the man how I'de been swindled, and +asked him what I had better do. + +"Do?" said he, laffin' as if heed bust. "My advice is, for you to take +the next train for your home, and then charge your loss to the acc't of +seein' the elefant." + +It hain't often I git took in, but that time I was swallered, +specturcals, white hat and all, as slick as if I'de been buttered all +over. + +I don't intend to let Mrs. GREEN know anything about this little +adventoor, but just as like as not, some day when I hain't thinking she +will worm it out of me, when Mariar will no doubt say: + +"Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that's what you git for stoppin' +takin' the weekly noosepapers, because they won't print the darned +nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and asleep." + +Ewers, lite as a fether, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + + * * * * * + + +A Serious Complication. + +The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in a +magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the +story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." Vernacularly, +this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it puzzles one to think +why the acquisition of wealth should subject the holder of it to the +liability of being kicked. + + * * * * * + +Enough Said. + +"Modern physiologists," said the Doctor, "have arrived at the conclusion +that man begins as a cell." + +"And what about woman?" returned the Scalper, "doesn't she begin as a +sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?" + +"She does," replied the doctor. + + * * * * * + +A Relative Question. + +Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun come +within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly +connected? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.] + + * * * * * + +A CRABBED HISTORY. + +Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs. A dainty succulent soft +shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the eye of the +epicure and makes his mouth water. Even a hard shell is not to be +despised when no other is attainable. We eat them with great gusto, +thinking they are "so nice," without considering for a moment that they +have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended for any other +purpose than the gratification of our palate. But that is a mistake +which I will try to rectify in order that the _bon vivant_ may enjoy +hereafter the pleasures of a mental and bodily feast conjointly. + +Most crabs are hatched from eggs, and begin life in a very small way. +They float round in the water, at first, without really knowing what +they are about. They have but little sense to start with, but after a +while improve and begin to strike out in a blind instinctive way, which, +after a few efforts, resolves itself into real genuine swimming. They +commence walking about the same time. Awkward straggling steps, to be +sure, but they get over the ground, and that is the most they care for. + +When they are about a month old they begin to feel that life has its +realities, and that they must do something towards the end for which +they were made. The thought is faint at first, but by degrees grows +weightier, till at last they can stand it no longer, and, making a great +effort to throw off the incubus of babyhood that weighs so heavily upon +them, they burst open the back door of their shell and slowly creep out +backwards. It takes about five minutes for them to get entirely out, +head, legs and all, and then for a moment or two they gaze in +stupefaction at their old shell, amazed to find that they have, by their +own efforts, unaided and alone, accomplished such a wonderful change. + +The thought is overwhelming. It fills them with pride; rejoicingly they +exult, and swell with gratification. This state of self-gratulation +lasts about twenty minutes, at the end of which time they have increased +their bulk to nearly double its former size, and they remain so. + +They can't get back into the old shell now, for it won't fit them, and +as there is no other for them to go into, the only thing left for them +to do is to build another house. + +It takes three or four days before they get fairly to work, and during +this time they are called soft-shell crabs. This stage is particularly +dangerous to the delicate creatures, for they, in their tender beauty, +are so attractive to hungry fishes that it is really a wonder any +escape. Tender, helpless, innocent and beautiful, they are almost sure +to be victimized and gormandized. + +Some, however, escape the fate intended for them, and in a few days +begin to enjoy life in a crabbed sort of a way. Another month passes on. +They become restless and uneasy, and feel that it won't do to stay too +long in one place. They think they had better make another change, and +so this time, in a more self-confident manner, they pack up and move out +at the back door again. They are no more provident now, however, than +they were at first, for, after having given up the old house, they have +no new one to move into. They are not troubled as we are with +house-hunting; they are good builders, and can make one to suit +themselves. A wise provision of nature, for these interesting creatures +are really obliged monthly to go out doors to grow. + +This state is to them doubly dangerous. Mankind they always have to +fear, but now they are tempting to their own race. A wicked old crab +goes out for a stroll. The walk gives him an appetite; he looks around +for something to eat and spies a younger brother just moving. +Treacherously be plants himself behind a stone or shell, and watches the +process, chuckling in his inmost stomach over the dainty meal in +prospect. The youthful one has just got clear of his old home and its +restraints, and is delighting in his freedom, when up walks the vampire, +strikes him a blow on his defenceless head, knocks the life out of him, +and then sits down to a dinner of soft-shell crab. He is an old +sportsman, and enjoys exceedingly the meal gained by his own prowess. + +Dinner over, he wipes his claws on the muddy table-cloth and walks out +for his digestion. Off in the distance he spies a young gentleman crab +making love to a beautiful female. He looks at her with a discriminating +eye. Sees she is fair to look upon, and thinks he would like to be +acquainted. He makes several sideway moves in the direction, ungraceful, +but satisfactory to himself, and as he advances his admiration +increases, his courage improves; he feels almost heroic. The observant +lover with staring eyes perceives the advancing strides of another +gentleman crab, and instantly, seized with jealous fears, clasps his +_inamorata_ to his shelly breast with his numerous little legs, holds +her tightly so that she can't fall, and walks off on his hands. + +The old cannibal observes the change of base, feels insulted at the +implied distrust, and resolves to have satisfaction. Increasing his +efforts, he soon overtakes the runaway lovers, challenges his rival by +giving him a dig with his claw, and tells him to "come out and show +himself a crab." Of course no crab of spirit is going to receive an +insult before his beloved and not resent it; with one painful quiver of +his little legs, he sets the lady crab down, and then the two amorous +lovers proceed to deadly combat. Love strengthens the young crab's +heart. Justice nerves his arm; and soon a lucky blow from the sharp claw +pierces in a vital part the hardened sinner, who, with a gulp, gives up +the contest and his life at once. + +An exultant shout bubbles up in the water, and then the heroic defender +of crabbed maidenhood leads his beloved to view the remains of this +ravager of hard-shell rights. + +They rejoice over the fallen adversary a while, and then, to make their +happiness more complete, and to prosper his wooing, the victor invites +his love to dine on the tender part of the victim. + +The invitation is gladly accepted, and they enjoy a delicious meal, +rendered doubly tasteful from the fact that they are feasting on an +enemy. + +The facts deduced from the above history prove that crabs have tastes +and feelings just as mankind have. They are gallant to their females; +never engage in combat with the weaker sex; fight and kill each other +when angry; love good eating, and are cannibalistic--which last habit +they may have learned from their ancestors of the Feejee Islands. + + * * * * * + +BAITED BREATH.--That of the boy who had "wums fur bait" in his mouth. + + * * * * * + +OCTOBER JOTTINGS. + +Attracted by the dulcet strains of a brass band, a day or two since, +PUNCHINELLO ascended to the summit of the N.E. tower of his residence, +looking from which he beheld a target company all with crimson shirts +ablaze marching up the Bowery. Then, glancing over towards Long Island, +he observed that Nature was already assuming her russet robes, which +circumstance, combined with that of the target company, reminded him +that the shooting season had just commenced. A few hints to young +sportsmen, then, from so old a one as PUNCHINELLO, will not, be hopes, +be taken amiss--not even though, in shooting phrase, a miss is generally +as good as a mile. + +Before taking the field, look well to your shooting-irons. +Fowling-pieces are far more apt to Get Foul while they are lying away +during the off season, than when they are taken out for a day's sport by +the fowlers. + +On releasing your gun from its summer prison, always examine it +carefully, to ascertain whether it is loaded. This you can do by looking +down into the barrel and touching the trigger with your toe. If your +head is blown off, then you may be sure that the gun was loaded. +Otherwise not. + +Should your gun be a breech-loader, always load it at the muzzle. This +will show that you know better than the man who made it, or, at least, +that he is no better than you. + +If you are a novice in gunnery it will be safest for you to put the shot +in before the powder. By doing this you will not only provide against +possible accidents, but will secure for yourself the reputation of being +a very safe man to go out shooting with. + +When you go out with your gun, always dress in a shootable costume. For +instance, if you want to bag lots of Dead Rabbits, TWEED will be the +best stuff you can wear--especially about November 8th, on which day you +will be certain to find Some Quail about the polling places. (N.B. They +are beginning to quail already.) + +The best time to acquire the art of shooting flying is fly time. Always +carry a whiskey flask about you, so that you can practice at Swallows. + +When you hear the drum of the ruffed grouse, steal silently through the +thicket and let drive in the direction of the sound. Should you bring +down a target company instead of a ruffed grouse, so much the better. It +will only be bagging ruffs of another kind, and by silencing their drums +you will have conferred an obligation upon humanity. + +There is much diversity of opinion regarding the best kind of dog for +fowling purposes. It all depends upon what work you want your dog to do +for you. If you want to have birds pointed, a pointer is best for your +purpose. If set, a setter. But if you want a dog that will go in and +kill without either pointing or setting, be sure that the Iron Dog is +the dog for your money. You can procure one of Staunch Blood by +application at Police Head-Quarters. + +Before going out for a day's sport, resolve yourself into a committee of +one for the preservation of choice ornithological specimens. By this we +do not mean that you are to set up in business as a taxidermist, but +that you are bound--if a true sportsman--to protect the song birds, and +the birds that are useful in destroying noxious vermin, and all the +beautiful feathered creatures that ornament our woods, and fields, and +parks, from the depredations of the ignorant, loutish, pestilent, +pernicious pot-hunter. The Sportsmen's Clubs that have been organized +throughout the country should be supported by every true sportsman; and +if you lay a thick stick vigorously across the back of the first fool +you see about to kill Cock Robin, you will have established a very +efficacious Sportsman's Club of your own, and will have earned the best +regards of Mr. PUNCHINELLO to boot--by which he means, if you choose, +that you have his leave and license to boot the fellow into the bargain. + + * * * * * + +MORE ABOUT CHIGNONS. + +The chignon is coming to the front again. By this we do not mean that it +is worn, or likely to be worn before--in saying which the word "before" +is not used by us in its acceptation of previously, but in that of +front; although, now that we come to think of it, the _chignon_ +certainly has been worn before, as may be seen by consulting +old-fashioned prints, in which it is shown worn behind. This, to the +ordinary mind, may seem rather confused; and so it is; but what else +could you expect from a writer when he has got _chignon_ upon the brain? + +For newspapers the _chignon_ is just now a teeming subject. Every day or +so somebody writes to a paper, saying that be has discovered a new kind +of parasite, hatched by the genial warmth of woman's nape from some +deleterious padding or other used in the manufacture of her _chignon_. +Sometimes it is vegetable stuff, sometimes animal, but it always teems +with pedicular creatures akin to that low and vulgar kind not usually +recognized in polite society. All these horrors come and and don't make +much difference in the _chignon_ market; but PUNCHINELLO has a new one +that is calculated to create a sensation--about the nape of the female +neck--and here it is. + +In the beech forests of Hungary, as is well known to Danubian explorers, +there exists a very remarkable breed of pigs, one of their peculiarities +being that they are covered with wool instead of with bristles. These +pigs are shorn regularly every year, like sheep. Their wool, which is +very stiff and curly, is used for stuffing cushions and mattresses of +the cheap and nasty kind. Since _chignons_ have come into fashion, a +vast amount of pig's wool has been imported for their manufacture. By +microscopic investigation the wool of the Hungary pig has been found +swarming with _trichinae_; to a fearful extent. Now, it is easy to +imagine that the _trichinae_ obtained from a hungry pig must be of a +very insatiable and ravenous disposition, and this is but too often +realized by the silly wearers of the porcine _chignons_, into whose +brains, (when they happen to have any,) the horrible little parasites +worm their way in myriads, rendering their hapless victims pig-headed to +an extent that defies description either with pen or pencil. + +The Pig-faced Woman exhibited some time ago in Europe was once a very +pretty girl, her hideous deformity being the result of wearing a +_chignon_ stuffed with Hungary pigs' wool. + +In purchasing a pig _chignon_, then, the Girl of the Period had better +look out that she does not get "too much pork for a shilling." + + * * * * * + +MATCHING THE MATCHLESS. + +Matchmaking has always been traditionally supposed to be the chief end +of woman. No wonder that, with the spread of the new theories of woman's +rights, therefore, we find them invading departments of industry which +were formerly supposed to be peculiarly the domain of the stronger sex. +We have recently seen running matches, swimming matches, rowing matches, +and other fancy matches, made by women. And why not? The women are wise +in thus preparing themselves for proficiency in the arts of primary +elections, ballot stuffing and the rest, incidental to untrammelled +suffrage. + +In regard to this, also, it may not be amiss to suggest that this +passion for match-making lies at the bottom of the recent increase in +divorce, which so alarms some timid moralists. Certain it is that easy +divorce enlarges the opportunities for its gratification, and to be +"fancy" and "free" is no longer a charm peculiar only to "maiden +meditation." + + * * * * * + +HISTORY FACTORY. + +Card to the Public. + +The undersigned, having recently increased their facilities for the +manufacture of History upon an unusually large scale, would hereby +announce to their patrons and the public in general that they have +associated with them Messrs. VICTOR EMANUEL and General TROCHU. + +LOUIS NAPOLEON, + +M. BISMARCK, + +WM. O'PRUSSIA, + + * * * * * + +Commercial. + +A proof of the present great depression in the Whaling business is the +fact that the editor of the _Sun_ still walks about unflogged. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HORSE-CAR AMENITIES. + +_Conductor_. "Wanted to get off, did you?--Then why in thunder didn't +you say so?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CHOICE OF PARIS (IN AMERICA.) + + One drink, dear friend, before we part-- + Before I tempt the shining sea; + One drink to pledge each constant heart-- + Yet stay, what shall the tipple be? + + My eyes are dazed with bar-room "signs" + In which, I pray, shall friendship conquer? + Can alien I drink "native" wines? + Are Jew-lips Christian tipple, _mon coeur_? + + This "cobbler"--is't a heeling drink? + A "smash" were surely inauspicious; + _Toute de-suite_, two "sours"--yet I think + Ah! _qu'est-ce-qui c'est!_--acetate is vicious! + + _Garcon!_ two "skins"--the name is 'cute--- + You Yankees "twig" the pharmaceutical; + But hold! art sure the flay-vor'll suit? + Will it not smack too much of cuticle? + + No, boy, no "skins." Let's try some beer, + A milder fluid for to-day; + Ottawa bring us--_c'est a dire_, + Some beer that keeps the 'ot away. + + No? Well, some ale: in limpid Bass + We'll drown our thirst and parting grief; + Come drink--_arretez!_ this _must_ pass-- + 'Twould look too much like bas-relief! + + The hour arrives; our lips are dry; + What _shall_ it be? Oh, name it for me! + A _tasse_ of gin? I drink and fly + To toss upon the ocean stormy. + + * * * * * + + +"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER." + +Freedom of action is one of the greatest boons enjoyed by mankind in +modern days. Its rate of progress is encouraging, especially since the +Liberal Club of this city has taken it under its protection. It is a +very significant association, is the Liberal Club; rather iconoclastic, +to be sure, but only a little ahead of the times, perhaps, in that +respect; Some of our cherished forms of speech have already been +rendered obsolete by the Liberal Club. It used to be such a clincher to +say, when one wanted to enforce a point by indicating an impossibility, +"I will eat my boots unless"--etc., etc. That clincher has gone to the +place whither good clinchers go, forever. At a late meeting of the +Liberal Club, Professor VAN DER WEYDE contributed to the evening +collation a pudding made of an old boot. The pudding was garnished with +the wooden pegs that had kept the boot together, sole and body, while it +walked the earth. The boot-jack with which the original source of the +pudding used to be pulled off was also exhibited, and excited great +interest. It is the intention, of the Professor to subject this +implement to some process by which it will be resolved into farina, or +sawdust, and then to make a Jack Pudding of it. Many of the ladies and +gentlemen present partook of the boot pudding, and pronounced it +excellent. One lady, (a member of Sorosis, we believe,) said that she +thought it tasted like a pear. The Professor assured her, however, that +he had used but one boot in making it, not a pair. Altogether, the +pudding was a success. Freedom of action had been vindicated, and the +absurd prejudice that had hitherto prevented men from utilizing their +old boots as food, except in extreme cases, was shattered with one blow. + + * * * * * + +PANOPLY FOR OUR POLICE. + +PUNCHINELLO felicitates the Municipal Police Force on the magnificent +new shields with which the manly breasts of its members are decorated. +Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO considers it sheer mockery to call that a +shield by which nothing is shielded. A buckle might as well be called a +buckler as the policeman's badge a shield. Already our noble skirmishers +of the side-walk are fully provided for the offensive, and, considering +the risks run by them from the roughs, the toughs and the gruffs, it is +high time that they were furnished with something in the defensive line. +Curb-chain undershirts have been suggested, but an objection to their +use is that links of them are apt to be carried into the interior +anatomy by pistol bullets, thus introducing a surplus of iron into the +blood,--an accession which is apt to steel the heart of the officer thus +experimented on, and so render him deaf to the cries of innocence in +distress. PUNCHINELLO suggests, then, that the policeman's shield should +_be_ a shield. Let it be made sufficiently large to cover the most +vulnerable portion of the person, as shown in the annexed design. If +made of gong-metal, so much the better, as the wearer could then ring +out signals upon it with his locust far more effectively than by the +present ridiculous mode of beating up rowdydow upon the flag-stones. +Although our gallant Municipal Blue is never backward in facing danger, +yet it might be judicious for him to wear a shield upon his back as well +as upon his front, because it is just possible that, in case of a row, +his large, heavy boots might be conveying him away in a direction +diametrically opposite to the spot at which the shooting was going on. + +[Illustration] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | GENTLEMENS' HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LADIES LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemens' | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 8th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED | + | | + | A Splendid Assortment of | + | | + | PARIS MADE DRESSES, | + | | + | From Worth E Pingnet and other Celebrated | + | Makers | + | | + | ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS, | + | OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE, | + | | + | Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not | + | superior, to any in this city. | + | | + | Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats | + | Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot's and other | + | Modletes of the highest Parisian standing. | + | | + | The Prices of the Above are Extremely | + | Attractive. | + | | + | BROADWAY | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains. | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | GRAY MIXED SUITS, | + | MADE OF BEST QUALITY FRINGED CHEVIOT | + | SUITINGS, $8 EACH. | + | | + | Scotch Plaid Fringed Suits, | + | VERY HANDSOME, ALSO $8 EACH. | + | | + | WATERPROOF SUITS, | + | WITH DEEP OVERSKITS, $10 EACH. | + | | + | A LARGE STOCK OF | + | POPLIN ALPACA SUITS, | + | CHOICE SHADES OF COLOR, | + | From $12 each upward. | + | | + | Heavy Rich | + | SILK AND POPLIN SUITS, | + | ELEGANTLY TRIMMED, FROM $60 EACH UPWARD | + | | + | ONE CASE PARIS-MADE SUITS, | + | One Case Handsome Millinery, | + | THREE CASES CHILDREN'S | + | Part, and London Made | + | | + | Dresses, Suits, Robes and Underwear, | + | One Case Pattern Velvet and Cloth. | + | Cloaks, Sacques and Richly Embroidered | + | Breakfast Jackets, | + | | + | AT VERY ATTRACTIVE PRICES. | + | | + | BROADWAY | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. 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