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diff --git a/old/10047.txt b/old/10047.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f34407 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10047.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2785 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October 15, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October 15, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 11, 2003 [EBook #10047] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 29 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," to preserve the paper for binding, will be | + | sent postpaid, on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "503," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +VOL II., NO. 29 + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. 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His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will hare a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J. B. 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Letters of inquiry on any | + | points of interest within the scope of the Journal will | + | receive prompt attention. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | + | | + | Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per | + | number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXII.--(Continued.) + +When Miss POTTS and Mr. SIMPSON rejoined Mr. DIBBLE, in the office of +the latter, across the street, it was decided that the flighty young +girl should be made less expensive to her friends by temporary +accommodation in an economical boarding-house, and that the Gospeler, +returning to Bumsteadville, should persuade Miss CAROWTHERS to come and +stay with her until the time for the reopening of the Macassar Female +College. + +Subsequently, with his homeless ward upon his arm, the benignant old +lawyer underwent a series of scathing rebuffs from the various +high-strung descendants of better days at whose once luxurious but now +darkened homes he applied for the desired board. Time after time was he +reminded, by unspeakably majestic middle-aged ladies with bass voices, +that when a fine old family loses its former wealth by those +vicissitudes of fortune which bring out the noblest traits of character +and compel the letting-out of a few damp rooms, it is significant of a +weak understanding, or a depraved disrespect of the dignity of +adversity, to expect that such families shall lose money and lower their +hereditary high tone by waiting upon a parcel of young girls. A few +Single Gentlemen desiring all the comforts of a home would not be +considered insulting unless they objected to the butter, and a couple of +married Childless Gentlemen with their wives might be pardoned for +respectfully applying; but the idea of a parcel of young girls! Wherever +he went, the reproach of not being a few Single Gentlemen, or a, couple +of married Childless Gentlemen with their wives, abashed Mr. DIBBLE into +helpless retreat; while FLORA'S increasing guilty consciousness of the +implacable sentiment against her as a parcel of young girls, culminated +at last in tears. Finally, when the miserable lawyer was beginning to +think strongly of the House of the Good Shepherd, or the Orphan Asylum, +as a last resort, it suddenly occurred to him that Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, a +distant widowed aunt of his clerk, Mr. BLADAMS, had been known to live +upon boarders in Bleecker Street; and thither he dragged hastily the +despised object on his arm. + +Being a widow without children, and relieved of nearly all the +weaknesses of her sex by the systematic refusal of the opposite sex to +give her any encouragement in them, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN was a relentless +advocate of Woman's Inalienable Rights, and only wished that Man could +just see himself in that contemptible light in which he was distinctly +visible to One who, sooner than be his Legal Slave, would never again +accompany him to the Altar. + +"I tell you candidly, DIBBLE," said she, in answer to his application, +"that if you had applied to be taken yourself, I should have said +'Never!' and at once called in the police. Since SKAMMERHORN died +delirious, I have always refused to have his sex in the house, and I +tell you, frankly, that I consider it hardly human. If this girl of +yours, however, and the elderly female whom, you say, she expects to +join her in a few days, will make themselves generally useful about the +house, and try to be companions to me, I can give them the very room +where SKAMMERHORN died." + +Perceiving that FLORA turned pale, her guardian whispered to her that +she would not be alone in the room, at any rate; and then respectfully +asked whether the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN had ever been seen around the +house since his death? + +"To be frank with you," answered the widow, "I did think that I came +upon him once in the closet, with his back to me, as often I'd seen the +weak creature in life going after a bottle on the top shelf. But it was +only his coat hanging there, with his boots standing below and my muff +hanging over to look like his head." + +"You think, then," said Mr. DIBBLE, inquiringly, "that it is such a room +as two ladies could occupy, without awaking at midnight with a strange +sensation and thinking they felt a supernatural presence?" + +"Not if the bed was rightly searched beforehand, and all the joints well +peppered with magnetic powder," was the assuring answer. + +"Could we see the room, madam?" + +"If the shutters were open you could; as they're not;" returned the +widow, not offering to stir; "but ever since SKAMMERHORN, starting up +with a howl, said 'Here he comes again, red-hot!' and tried to jump out +of the window, I've never opened them for any single man, and never +shall. I couldn't bear it, DIBBLE, to see one of your sex in that room +again, and hope you will not insist." + +Broken in spirit as he was by preceding humiliations, the old lawyer had +not the heart to contest the point, and it was agreed, that, upon the +arrival of Miss CAROWTHERS from Bumsteadville, she and FLORA should +accept the memorable room in question. + +Upon their way back to the hotel, guardian and ward met Mr. BENTHAM, +who, from the moment of becoming a character in their Story, had been +possessed with that mysterious madness for open-air exercise which +afflicted every acquaintance of the late EDWIN DROOD, and now saluted +them in the broiling street and solemnly besought their company for a +long walk. "It has occurred to me," said the Comic Paper man, who had +resumed his black worsted gloves, "that Mr. DIBBLE and Miss POTTS may be +willing to aid me in walking-off some of the darker suicidal +inclinations incident to first-class Humorous Journalism in America. +Reading the 'proof' of an instalment of a comic serial now publishing in +my paper, I contracted such gloom, that a frantic rush into the fresh +air was my only hope of on escape from self-destruction. Let us walk, +if you please." + +Led on, in the profoundest melancholy, by this chastened character, Mr. +DIBBLE and the Flowerpot were presently toiling hotly through a +succession of grievous side-streets, and forlorn short-cuts to dismal +ferries; the state of their conductor's spirits inclining him to find a +certain refreshingly solemn joy in the horrors of pedestrianism imposed +by obstructions of merchandise on side-walks, and repeated climbings +over skids extending from store doors to drays. Inspired to an +extraordinary flow of malignant animal spirits by the complexities of +travel incident to the odorous mazes of some hundred odd kegs of salt +mackerel and boxes of brown soap impressively stacked before one very +enterprising Commission house, Mr. BENTHAM lightened the journey with +anecdotes of self-made Commission men who had risen in life by breaking +human legs and city ordinances; and dwelt emotionally upon the scenes in +the city hospitals where ladies and gentlemen were brought in, with +nails from the hoops of sugar-hogsheads sticking into their feet, or +limbs dislocated from too-loftily piled firkins of butter falling upon +them. Through incredible hardships, and amongst astounding complications +of horse-cars, target companies, and barrels of everything, Mr. BENTHAM +also amused his friends with circuits of several of the fine public +markets of New York; explaining to them the relations of the various +miasmatic smells of those quaint edifices with the various devastating +diseases of the day, and expatiating quite eloquently upon the political +corruption involved in the renting of the stalls, and the fine openings +there were for Cholera and Yellow Fever in the Fish and Vegetable +departments. Then, as a last treat, he led his panting companions +through several lively up-hill blocks of drug-mills and tobacco firms, +to where they had a distant view of a tenement house next door to a +kerosene factory, where, as he vivaciously told them, in the event of a +fire, at least one hundred human beings would be slowly done to a turn. +After which all three returned from their walk, firmly convinced that an +unctuous vein of humor had been conscientiously worked, and abstractedly +wishing themselves dead.[1] + +The exhilarating effect of the genial Comic Paper man upon FLORA did +not, indeed, pass away, until she and Miss CAROWTHERS were in their +appointed quarters under the roof of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, whither they went +immediately upon the arrival of the elder spinster from Bumsteadville. + +"It could have been wished, my good woman," said Miss CAROWTHERS, +casting a rather disparaging look around the death-chamber of the late +Mr. SKAMMERHORN, "that you had assigned to educated single young ladies, +like ourselves, an apartment less suggestive of Man in his wedded +aspects. The spectacle of a pair of pegged boots sticking out from under +a bed, and a razor and a hone grouped on the mantle-shelf, is not such +as I should desire to encourage in the dormitory of a pupil under my +tuition." + +"That's much to be deplored, I'm sure, CAROWTHERS," returned Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN, severely, "and sorry am I that I ever married, on that +particular account. I'd not have done it, if you'd only told me. But, +seeing that I married SKAMMERHORN, and then he died delirious, his +boots and razor must remain, just as he often wished to throw the +former at me in his ravings. Once married is enough, say I; and those +who never were, through having no proposals, must bear with those who +have, and take things as they come." + +"There are those, I'd have you know, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, to whom proposals +have been no inducement," said Miss CAROWTHERS, sharply; "or, if being +made, and then withdrawn, have given our sex opportunities to prove, in +courts of law, that damages can still be got. I'm afraid of no Man, my +good woman, as a person named BLODGETT once learned from a jury; but +boots and razors are not what I would have familiar to the mind of one +who never had a husband to die in raging torments, nor yet has sued for +breach." + +"Miss POTTS is but a chicken, I'll admit," retorted Mrs. SKAMMERHORN; +"but you're not such, CAROWTHERS, by many a good year. On the contrary, +quite a hen. Then, you being with her, if the boots and razor make her +think she sees that poor, weak SKAMMERHORN a-ranging round the room, +when in his grave it is his place to be, you've only got to say: 'A fool +you are, and always were,'--as often I, myself, called at him in his +lifetime,--and off he'll go into his tomb again for fear of +broomsticks." + +"FLORA, my dear," said Miss CAROWTHERS, turning with dignity to her +pupil, "if I know anything of human nature, the man who has once got +away from here, will stay away. Only single ghosts have attachments for +the houses in which they once lived. So, never mind the boots and razor, +darling; which, after all, if seen by peddlers, or men who come to fix +the gas, might keep us safe from robbers." + +"As safe as any man himself, young woman, with pistols under his head +that he would never dare to fire if robbers were no more than cats +rampaging," added Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, enthusiastically. "With nothing but +an old black hat of SKAMMERHORN'S, and walking-cane, kept hanging in the +hall, I haven't lost a spoon by tramps or census takers for six mortal +years. So, make yourselves at home, I beg you both, while I go down and +cook the liver for our dinner. You'll find it tender as a chicken, after +what you've broke your teeth upon in boarding-schools; though +SKAMMERHORN declared it made him bilious in the second year, forgetting +what he'd drank with sugar to his taste, beforehand." + +Thus was sweet FLORA POTTS introduced to her new home; where, but for +looking down from her windows at the fashions, making-up hundreds of +bows of ribbons for her neck, and making-over all her dresses, her +woman's mind must have been a blank. What time Miss CAROWTHERS told her +all day how she looked in this or that style of wearing her hair, and +read her to sleep each night with extracts from the pages of cheery +HANNAH MORE. As for the object nearest her young heart, to say that she +was wholly unruffled by it would be inaccurate; but by address she kept +it hidden from all eyes save her own. + +[Footnote 1: Ordinary readers, while admiring the heavy humor of this +unexpected open-air episode, may wonder what on earth it has to do with +the the Story; but the cultivated few, understanding the ingenious +mechanics of novel-writing, will appreciate it as a most skilful and +happy device to cover the interval between the hiring of Mrs. +SKAMMERHORN's room, and the occupation thereof by FLORA and her late +teacher--another instance of what our profoundly critical American +journals call "artistic--elaboration." (See corresponding Chapter of +the original English Story.)] + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +GOING HOME IN THE MORNING. + +After having thrown all his Ritualistic friends at home into a most +unholy and exasperated condition of mind, by a steady series of vague +remarks as to the extreme likelihood of their united implication in the +possible deed of darkness by which he has lost a broadcloth nephew and +an alpaca umbrella, the mournful Mr. BUMSTEAD is once more awaiting the +dawn in that popular retreat in Mulberry Street where he first +contracted his taste for cloves. The Assistant-Assessor and the Alderman +of the Ward are again there, tilted back against the wall in their +chairs; their shares in the Congressional Nominating Convention held in +that room earlier in the night having left them too weary for further +locomotion. The decanters and tumblers hurled by the Nominating +Convention over the question of which Irishman could drink the most to +be nominated, are still scattered about the floor; here and there a +forgotten slungshot marks the places where rival delegations have +confidently presented their claims for recognition; and a few +bullet-holes in the wall above the bar enumerate the various pauses in +the great debate upon the perils of the public peace from Negro +Suffrage. + +Reclining with great ease of attitude upon an uncushioned settee, the +Ritualistic organist is aroused from dreamy slumber by the turning-over +of the pipe in his mouth, and majestically motions for the venerable +woman of the house to come and brush the ashes from his clothes. + +"Wud yez have it filled again, honey?" asks the woman. "Sure, wan pipe +more would do ye no harrum." + +"I'mtooshleepy," he says, dropping the pipe. + +"An' are yez too shlapey, asthore, to talk a little bissiness wid an +ould woman?" she asks, insinuatingly. "Couldn't yez be afther payin' me +the bit av a schore I've got agin ye?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his eyes reproachfully, and wishes to know how she +can dare talk about money matters to an organist who, at almost any +moment, may be obliged to see a Chinaman hired in his place on account +of cheapness? + +"Could the haythen crayture play, thin?" she asks, wonderingly. + +"Thairvairimitative," he tells her;--"Cookwashiron' n' eatbirdsnests." + +"An' vote would they, honey?" + +"Yesh--'f course--thairvairimitative, I tell y'," snarls he: +"do'tcheapzdirt." + +"Is it vote chaper they would, the haythen naygurs, than daycint, +hardworkin' white min?" she asks, excitedly. + +"Yesh. Chinesecheaplabor," he says, bitterly. + +"Och, hone!" cries the woman, in anguish; "and f'hat's the poor to do +then, honey?" + +"Gowest; go'nfarm!" sobs Mr. BUMSTEAD, shedding tears. "I'd go m'self if +a-hadn't lost dear-er-rerelative.--Nephew'n' umbrella." + +"Saint PAYTHER! an' f'hat's that?" + +"EDWINS!" cries the unhappy organist, starting to his feet with a wild +reel. "Th' pride of'suncle'sheart! I see 'm now, +in'sh'fectionatemanhood, with whalebone ribs, made 'f alpaca, +andyetsoyoung. 'Help me!' hiccries; 'PENDRAGON'sash'nate'n me!' +hiccries--and I go!" + +While uttering this extraordinary burst of feeling, he has advanced +towards the door in a kind of demoniac can-can, and, at its close, +abruptly darts into the street and frantically makes off. + +"The cross of the holy fathers!" ejaculates the woman, momentarily +bewildered by this sudden termination of the scene. Then a new +expression comes swiftly over her face, and she adds, in a different +tone, "Odether-nodether, but it's coonin' as a fox he is, and it's off +he's gone again widout payin' me the schore! Sure, but I'll follow him, +if it's to the wurruld's ind, and see f'hat he is and where he is." + +Thus it happens that she reaches Bumsteadville almost as soon as the +Ritualistic organist, and, following him to his boarding-house, +encounters Mr. TRACEY CLEWS upon the steps. + +"Well, now!" calls that gentleman, as she looks inquiringly at him, "who +do you want?" + +"Him as just passed in, your Honor." + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD?" + +"Ah. Where does he play the organ?" + +"In St. Cow's Church, down yonder. Mass at seven o'clock, and he'll be +there in half an hour." + +"It's there I'll be, thin," mumbles the woman; "and bad luck to it that +I didn't know before; whin I came to ax him for me schore, and might +have gone home widout a cint but for a good lad named EDDY who gave me a +sthamp.--The same EDDY, I'm thinkin', that I've heard him mutter about +in his shlape at my shebang in town, whin he came there on political +business." + +After a start and a pause, Mr. CLEWS repeats his information concerning +the Ritualistic church, and then cautiously follows the woman as she +goes thither. + +Unconscious of the remarkable female figure intently watching him from +under a corner of the gallery, and occasionally shaking a fist at him, +Mr. BUMSTEAD attends to the musical part of the service with as much +artistic accuracy as a hasty head-bath and a glass of soda-water are +capable of securing. The worshippers are too busy with risings, +kneelings, bowings, and miscellaneous devout gymnastics, to heed his +casual imperfections, and his headache makes him fiercely indifferent to +what any one else may think. + +Coming out of the athletic edifice, Mr. CLEWS comes upon the woman +again, who seems excited. + +"Well?" he says. + +"Sure he saw me in time to shlip out of a back dure," she returns, +savagely; "but it's shtrait to his boording-house I'm going afther him, +the spalpeen." + +Again Mr. TRACEY CLEWS follows her; but this time he allows her to go up +to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, while he turns into his own apartment where his +breakfast awaits him. "I can make a chalk mark for the trail I've struck +to-day," he says; and then thoughtfully attacks the meal upon the +table.[2] + +(_To be Continued._) + + +[Footnote 2: At this point, the English original of this Adaptation--the +"Mystery of EDWIN DROOD"--breaks off forever.] + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Nilsson has come; and, sad to say, has brought dissension and discord +with her. Not that there is any discord in her matchless voice, but +there is a vast amount of wrangling as to her precise merits. Do you +doubt this? Then come with me in my light Fourth Avenue car, while the +stars are bright and the sky is blue, (this is an adaptation of a once +popular love-song by Dr. WATTS,) and we will go to Steinway Hall to hear +the Improved Swedish Nightingale, and feast our eyes on STRAKOSCH'S +flowers. + +We pass up the steep staircase--with many misgivings as to our ankles, +if we belong to the sex which considers the possession of those +anatomical features a fact to be carefully concealed, provided they are +not symmetrical. We pass the door-keeper, who, as is the custom of his +kind, frowns malignantly at us, and evidently asks himself--"How much +longer can I refrain from tearing up the tickets of these impudent +pleasure-seekers, and throwing the pieces in their infamously contented +countenances?" We gain the hall, and are sent to the inevitable "other +aisle," by the usher, (by the way, why is it that one always gets into +the wrong aisle, only to be ignominiously ordered to the opposite side +of the house?) and we finally turn various illegal occupants out of our +seats, and begin to fan ourselves in fervid anticipation of the coming +musical treat. A buzz of conversation is everywhere going on. Did any +one ever notice the curious fact that a middle-aged man and woman can +converse at a theatre or concert room without either one finding any +difficulty in hearing what the other says, while no young man can make +his accompanying young lady hear a single word unless his mouth is in +close proximity to her ear? This singular state of things is doubtless +due to the peculiar acoustical properties of public buildings. We +manage, however, to hear a good deal of both young and middle-aged +conversation, of the following improving type. + +RURAL PERSON. "I've heard most everybody that's sung in our Philadelphy +opera house, and some of 'em are pretty hard to beat. NILSSON may beat +'em, you know. Mind, now, I don't say she won't, but she's got a mighty +hard row to hoe." + +CRITIC. _(Who sent for seats for his eight sisters and their +friends--but who did not get them.)_ "There comes the Scandinavian +Society--fifty Irishmen at fifty cents a head. Did you see the flowers +piled up in the lobby? MAX paid seven hundred dollars for the lot." + +YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! I wish you wouldn't look at that fellow across the +way. You know how your own darling loves you, and--" + +YOUNG LADY. "Hush! Don't bother. Here comes VIEUXTEMPS." + +VIEUXTEMPS plays, and the audience listens with the air of people who +are dreadfully bored, but are afraid to show it. He disappears with an +amount of applause carefully graduated so as to express enthusiasm +without the desire for hearing him again. The Rural Person remarks that +"he doesn't think much of fiddlers anyhow. Give him a trombone, or a +banjo, for his money." + +MR. WEHLI then trifles with the piano. Him, too, the audience politely +endure, but plainly do not appreciate. They have come to hear NILSSON, +and feel outraged at having to hear anybody else. A cornet solo by the +Angel GABRIEL himself would be secretly regarded as undoubtedly +artistic, but certainly a little out of place. + +CHORUS OF RIVAL PIANO-MAKERS. "What a wretched instrument that poor +fellow is made to play upon. Nobody can produce any effect on a STEINWAY +piano. It's good for nothing but for boarding-school practice." + +CRITIC, (who knows Mr. STEINWAY.) "Anybody can please people by playing +on a STEINWAY. I defy WEHLI or any other man to play badly on such a +superb instrument as that." + +YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! Do you remember the day when you gave me one of +your hair-pins? I have worn it next my--" + +YOUNG LADY. "Oh, don't bother. NILSSON is just going to sing." + +And she does sing, with that voice so matchless in its perfect purity, +that even the disappointed critic grows uneasy as he tries in vain to +find some reasonable fault with it. She ceases, and amid wild cheers +from the paying part of the audience, silent approval from the +deadheads, and shouts of "Hooroo!" and "Begorra!" from the Scandinavian +Society, MAX'S flowers are brought in solemn procession up the aisle, +and laid at the feet of the Improved Nightingale. + +CRITIC. "Those flowers will just be taken out of the back door, and +brought in again to be used the second time. There's a hand-cart waiting +for them now, at the Fifteenth Street entrance." + +SIX PRIME DONNE, _(who were not asked to sing at the NILSSON concerts.)_ +"Well, did you ever hear 'Angels Ever Bright' sung in a more atrocious +style? If that is NILSSON's idea of expression, the sooner she leaves +the stage to artists, the better." + +CYNICAL OLD MUSICIAN. "Bah! NILSSON infuses religious sentiment into her +singing, and these envious creatures don't know what religious sentiment +is, so they think she is all wrong. If she had sung HANDEL with a smile, +and a coquettish tossing of her head, they would still have hated her, +but they would not have ventured to call her "inartistic."" + +YOUNG MAN. "Darling! I had rather hear your sweet voice, than listen to +NILSSON or a choir of angels for the rest of my--" + +YOUNG LADY. "CHARLES, you will drive me wild, with your intolerable +spooniness. I'll never come out with you again. See how the SMITH girls +are looking at you." + +RURAL PERSON. "--So I says to the usher, 'If you think I'm a countryman +who don't know what's what, you're everlastingly sold.' 'I'm from +Philadelphy,' says I, 'and we've got singers there that can knock spots +out of your NILLOGGS and KELSONS and the rest of 'em.' So he just--" + +RIVAL MANAGER. "My tear fellow, you shust mind dis. MAX vill lose all +his monish. NILSSON can't sing, my tear! She vanted me to encage her a +year ago, but I vouldn't do it. Dere ish no monish in her, now you mind +vot I says." + +DISTINGUISHED TEACHER. "You call her an artist! Why, look here, if one +of my scholars were to phrase as wretchedly as she does, I'd never show +my face in public again. Her voice is so-so, but her school is simply +infamous." + +CELEBRATED TEACHER. "Well, I don't mind saying that I never heard her +equal in point of quality of voice. She gives you pure tone, which is +what hardly any other singer does." + +NINE TENTHS OF THE AUDIENCE. "She is perfectly lovely. There never was +anybody like her." + +CONNOISSEUR, _(who really does know something about music, but who +actually has no prejudices.)_ "Her voice is such a one as MARGARET must +have had when she sang by her spinning-wheel, before fate threw her in +the way of FAUST. And these professional musicians will tear her +reputation to pieces among themselves! Why should musical people be, of +all others, most fond of discord?" + +CRITIC. "There! those fools are determined to make her sing again. I +can't stand this. I'll see MAX once more, and if he don't do the right +thing, I'll say that NILSSON was played out in Europe before she came +here, and that she is a complete failure." + +YOUNG MAN, "Sweetest! may I ask you one question?" + +YOUNG LADY. "No, you shan't. Will you keep quiet? Everybody is looking +at you." + +EVERYBODY. "Sh! sh! sh!" + +NILSSON sings again. As her delicious notes die out in the thunder of +applause, I make my way out of the Hall, into the clear and silent +night. For not even the witchery of VIEUXTEMPS'S violin is fit to mate +in memory with the peerless tones of NILSSON. + +Here I meant to do some fine writing, but as this is PUNCHINELLO, and +not the "Easy Chair" of Harper's Magazine, I conquer the temptation. +Wherefore I accept the gratitude of my readers, and sign myself + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Congestion at "The Sun." + +PUNCHINELLO is pained to know that the circulation of his bewitching +contemporary, _The Sun_, is daily growing more and more languid. +Paralysis has set in, and the patient but seldom has the energy to +dictate the daily bulletin giving the state of his circulation. + + * * * * * + +Only a Suggestion. + +It will be bad enough for the Prussian Cavalrymen to water their horses +in the Seine, but if they go to driving their stakes in the Bois de +Boulogne, won't the Parisians think it looks a little like running +things into the ground? + + * * * * * + +OUR MASTERS OF ART. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: The knights of the pencil and easel, having returned +from their usual visits to their summer haunts, and having exchanged the +blue skies and grassy vales of Nature for the smoky ceilings and dirty +floors of Art, (I believe that is the proper way to commence this kind +of an article,) your correspondent has visited a number of them, and has +obtained authentic accounts of their present occupations, and has also +been permitted to make slight sketches of some of their principal works. + +BIERSTADT, as usual, is painting Yos. Having entirely exhausted the Yo +Semite, he is now at work on a grand picture of a Southdown Ewe, and +will soon commence a view of his studio,--at sunrise. He well deserves +his title of the Yeoman of Art. + +JAMES HAMILTON, of Philadelphia, is painting a sunset. It may not be +generally known, but it is a fact, that he paints the sun every time it +sets. The following sketch will give a good idea of his next great +picture. The nails are inserted in the sun to keep it from going down +any further, and spoiling the scene. + +[Illustration] + +WILLIAM T. RICHARDS, of the same city, is hard at work on a picture +which is intended to represent, to the life, water in motion; a +specialty which he has lately adopted. It is entitled "A Scene on the +Barbary Coast; Water in Motion, Steamer in the Distance." The subjoined +sketch represents the general plan of the picture. + +[Illustration] + +Still another Philadelphia artist, Mr. ROTHERMEL, is very busy at a +great work. He is putting the finishing-touches to his vast painting of +the Battle of Gettysburg. On this enormous canvas may be seen correct +likenesses of all the principal generals, colonels, captains, majors, +first and second lieutenants, sergeant-majors, sergeants, corporals and +high privates who were engaged in that battle; and by the consummate +skill of the artist, each one of them, to the great gratification of +himself and his family, is placed prominently in the foreground. Such +distinguished success should meet appropriate reward, and it is now +rumored that the artist will soon be commissioned by Congress to paint +for the Rotunda of the Capitol a grand picture of our late civil war, +with all the incidents of that struggle, upon one canvas. + +Of the artists who affect the "shaded wood," we learn that Mr. HENNESSY, +now absent in Europe, is drawing another "Booth." Whether this is +intended particularly for "Every Saturday," I cannot say, but I suppose +it will answer for any other week-day. At any rate, here is his last +"Booth." + +[Illustration] + +NAST is at work on a series of sarcastic pictures illustrating the +miseries of France. Most of them show how LOUIS NAPOLEON ought to finish +up his career and dynasty. In fact, should this gifted artist ever +travel among Bonapartists, he will certainly be hunted down in an +astounding manner, and the populace, adopting American customs, will +probably congregate to see him astride a rail. Two of his smaller +studies are very interesting. One of them, called "An Astray," is simply +a ray of black light; and another, intended for the contemplation of +persons who desire light and airy pictures, is simply a portrait of +himself, entitled "A Nasturtium." + +The well-known Miss EDMONIA LEWIS has been exhibiting her statue of +"HAGAR," in Chicago. As HAGAR was the first woman who suffered anything +like divorce, Chicago is a capital place for her statue, and Miss LEWIS +evidently knows what she is about. Her name reminds me that our great +landscapist, LEWIS, is at work on a picture which he calls "A Scene in +France after a Reign." This little sketch will give an idea of the +painting. + +[Illustration] + +Most of our other artists are also worthily engaged, but time, (I +believe that is the regular way to end an article of this kind) will not +permit present mention of them. + +EFARES. + + * * * * * + +HAM AND EGGS. + +War always brings with it its signs and portents. A hen somewhere in +Virginia, according to a local paper, has lately produced an egg on the +white of which the word "War" was plainly written in black letters. Now, +when we consider that the career of LOUIS NAPOLEON was more or less +influenced by Ham, there is something very significant in the advent of +this providential egg; nor should we be surprised to learn, ere long, +that the same hen had laid another egg, this time with a Prussian yolk. + + * * * * * + +Eheu! Strasbourg. + +Reading an old traveller's description of the famous Cathedral of +Strasbourg, we note that he dwells particularly on its "fretted +windows." + +Ah! yes. They have much to fret about, now, have these old windows; and +that makes us think whether the _larmiers_ of the roof over them do not +run real tears. + + * * * * * + +"Lo" Cunning. + +The cunning of the red Indian of the Plains. + + * * * * * + +PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. + +A gaunt, tall, spectacled creature, gender feminine, number singular, +person first, case always possessive, that's the standard bearer; a +broomstick from the top of which floats a petticoat, that's the +standard. Under that standard march in the U.S. at least 20,000,000 +feminines, and--horrible to relate--gal children are on the increase. + +Certainly the devil must have invented petticoats. After EVE had +finished up that little apple job, she went into the petticoat business, +and--hence all our tears. Instantly petticoat government became a +possibility. Then, as her daughters became wiser, they invented the +weeping business, the swooning business, and the curtain lecture +business; they went for our pocket-books and they got them, and +petticoat government became a probability. Not satisfied with the +pocket-books, they are now going for the business by means of which we +fill the books, and oh, what a hankering they have for public pap! They +stick to the curtain lecture business, but now they do it before the +curtain. Alas, petticoat government is now a certainty! + +It's all very well for you to talk about the grandeur of the governments +of BOADICEA, and ELIZABETH and CATHERINE, but I don't believe that BOA, +or LIZZY, or KATE would have been very nice as a companion, if she and +you were sitting before the fire, and she wanted stamps and was going +for them as a matter of business. Besides, there was only one of them at +a time, and they didn't trouble common people much, but in this +enlightened nineteenth century I have seen a poor, miserable, six foot +dry-goods clerk turned out of a retail store by a strapping little +female, who couldn't jump a counter worth shucks. I have seen him in his +misery industriously study "What I Know About Farming," squat on a farm +in the West, and bring himself, his wife, and four miserable offshoots +to the alms-house by endeavoring to apply the rules set down in "What I +Know About Farming" to 160 acres of land. I have seen the poor, +half-paid type-setters strike for their altars, their sires, and more +wages, and I have seen a troop of petticoats, with gal children inside +them, trot into the type-setter's place, so that the miserable +compositors were compelled to return and starve on four or five dollars +a day. That's petticoat government with a vengeance. Putting your nose +to the grindstone isn't nice at any time, but it's awful when the gal +children turn. + +But that is only the beginning. They have struck for bigger things. In +the expressive language of the immortal JOHNNY MILTON, they are going +for the whole hog. They want to vote; some of them have been caught +repeating already; they want to sit on juries, and they want to go to +Congress. Heaven forbid that any of them should ever reach the House of +Representatives! Imagine the size of the _Congressional Globe_ if we +should send women there! Why, there would be as great a dearth of paper +in Washington as there is now in Paris. They want to shave you, dress +you, doctor you into your coffins, preach a funeral discourse over your +remains, and then take your will into the Surrogate's Court and fight +over the little property they have left you. + +They say all this means that they are our equals, and intend to show it. +Listen. In a town some hundreds of miles distant there is a law firm +whose sign reads thus: + + MRS. SMITH _and husband_. + +Shades of our forefathers! Ghost of BLUEBEARD! Spirit of HENRY VIII! can +this thing be? Imagine old LABAN'S daughter starting in business, and +hanging out a sign something like this: + + +-------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MRS. JACOB _and husband, | + | Having large orders from the West_, | + | SOLICIT CUSTOM. | + | N.B.--Gentlemen attended to by Mr. JACOB. | + | _The Original Mrs_. JACOB. | + | | + +-------------------------------------------+ + +Don't you suppose that JACOB, if he had found that sign over his +doorstep, would have raised a row, and if he had been overcome, don't +you suppose he would have wondered what he served those seven years for? + +Oh, young man, sitting by the side of that dainty damsel, looking so +spoonily into her deep blue eyes, playing so daintily with her golden +curls, sucking honey so frequently from her ruby lips, beware! _beware!_ +BEWARE! Remember, when she wants stamps, you can't put her off as your +pa did your ma. You can't say, "Business is awful dull," because she'll +do the business, and make you her book-keeper or porter or something of +that sort + +Petticoat government is all very well for those who like it. Some men go +through life playing a sort of insane tag, in which, first their +mothers' petticoats, and then their wives', are hunk, and they never +leave hunk. As for me, give me trouser government, or give me a first +class funeral procession with me for the corpse. + +Brethren, listen! Give me your ears! (the big ones first.) This thing +must be stopped _now_. Let us form an association for the suppression of +women, or a society for the prevention of cruelty to men. There is but +one way to cure this thing. Far out on the Western prairies dwells the +only sensible man on this continent. In the city ruled by him a man may +come home as tired as gin can make him, and his wife opens not her +mouth; he may jump over as many counters as he pleases, and none of his +wives will desire to go and do likewise. There she is the weaker vessel, +and it takes so many of her to equal one man, that she is kept in a +proper state of subjection. That's the secret; marry her a good deal. +The old maids are the ones who start the rows. Let them all be married +to some one man of a peaceable, loving, quiet disposition--say WENDELL +PHILLIPS. Let the President, if necessary, issue his proclamation making +the United States one vast Utah, and let us all be Young. + +LOT. + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I should tell you that I particularly excelled in +writing verses you'd hardly believe me. But such is the fact. I've sent +poem after poem to all the first-class magazines in the country, which, +if they'd been published, would have enabled me to pay my debts, and +start new accounts from Maine to Georgia. But they've never been +published--and why? It's jealousy. A child with half an eye can see +that. Those boss poets who get the big salaries, probably see my verses, +and pay the publishers a big price not to print 'em. + +How little the public know of the inside workings of these things! + +I'm disgusted with this trickery, and am going to shut right down on the +whole thing. Oh! they may howl, but not another line do they get! + +I'm going into the song business. That's something that isn't overdone. +I composed a perfect little gem lately. It is called "Lines on the death +of a child." I chose this subject because it is comparatively new. A few +have attempted it, but they betray a crudeness and lack of pathos +painful to witness. + +Whether I have supplied that deficiency or not is for the public, not +me, to judge. But if the public, or any other man, be he male or female, +thinks that by ribaldry and derision I can be induced to publish the +whole of this work before it's copyrighted, they're mistaken. The salt +that's going on the tail of this particular fowl ain't ripe yet. + +It's going to be set to music and it'll probably hatch a song. I called +on a publisher last week about it. + +"Don't you think," said I, "that it'll take 'em by storm?" + +"Worse than that," he replied. "It's a reg'lar _line_ gale." + +I knew he'd be enthusiastic about it. + +He said he hadn't got any notes in, that would fit it just then, but be +expected a lot in the next steamer, and I could have my choice. He was +very polite, and I thanked him kindly. + +Jealous as I am of my reputation, I am willing to stake it on this poem. +A man don't collect the obituary notices of one hundred infants and boil +'em down over a slow fire without something to be proud of, you know. + +Here is a sample of it: + + LINES ON THE DEATH OF A CHILD. + + "Tell me, dear mother, + Hast the swallows homeward flode + When the clock strikes nine? + Does our WILLIE'S spirit roam + In that home + Beyond the skies, + Along with LIZE? + Say, mother + Say--" + +The other verses are, if anything, better than this. If you are anxious +to publish this poem entire, why not leave out the pictures and all the +reading matter from PUNCHINELLO for two weeks, and show the public what +genius, brains, and ability can accomplish, unaided? If you publish it +in detachments, it weakens it, you see. If the verses can't lean against +each other, they pine away immediately. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE YOUNG DEMOC TRYING TO PUT THE BIG SACHEM'S PIPE OUT. + +_Big Sachem_. "SAY, YOUNG MAN, AIN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'LL BURN YOUR +BREECHES?"] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG HAS HIS HEAD EXAMINED. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--The last time I visited a barber's shop I wanted my +hair trimmed. Being in somewhat of a hurry for the train, I told the +proprietor to cut it short. As a matter of course, I was left. As for my +hair, there was precious little of that left, though. Science was too +much for it. A hand-glass, brought to bear upon a mirror, opened up a +perspective of pretty much all the back country belonging to my skull, +that is seldom equalled outside the State Prison or the Prize Ring. + +I was indignant. I was so mad that my hair stood on end--voluntarily. +The barber talked soothingly of making a discount on the bill; and I, +looking at it in a strictly diplomatic light, gradually permitted myself +to grow calmer. He went further, and did the handsome thing by me--as if +it wasn't enough to cut under his price! A phrenologist by profession, +so he said, he had resorted to barbering simply for amusement, and under +the circumstances he would give me a professional sitting gratuitously. + +It has always been a cherished ambition with me to have my head surveyed +and staked out scientifically; SO I told him at once he might take it +and look it over. + +"My friend," said I, as I gracefully described an imaginary aureole +about my brain factory, "you abolish the poll-tax. I grant you full +leave to explore." + +This was the first time I ever had my head examined. The whole of me, it +is true, was once examined before a Trial Justice; but as that was years +ago, and it was "the other boy" that was to blame, I refrain from +incorporating the details into the history of our country. + +It occurred to me that old Scissors couldn't have been much of a +scholar; at all events he breathed very hard for an educated man, and he +had a rough, muscular way of moving his fingers about my upper story, +that made those regions ache every time he touched them. You may fancy +my feelings. I certainly didn't fancy _his_. + +For the benefit of those who come after us, (I don't refer to Sheriffs +and Constables, so much as I do to posterity,) I append a few results of +the gentleman's vigorous researches. + + * * * + +"There's a great deal of surface here; in fact, everybody that is +acquainted with this head must be struck at once with its superficial +contents." + +"Thickness--obvious. Great breadth between the ears, indicating +longevity. You will never die of teething, or cholera infantum; nor is +it likely you will ever become a murderess. + +"Forehead, large and imposing; that is, it might impose on people who +don't know you. + +"Your intellect may be pronounced massive, dropsical, in fact. You have +brilliant talents, but your bump of cash payments is remarkably small. + +"Locality, 20 to 30. You are always somewhere, or just going there. +Eventuality, 18 carat fine; absorption, 99 per cent. This means you will +eventually absorb a good deal of borrowed money. + +"I find here acquisitiveness and secretiveness enough to stock an entire +Board of Aldermen and a Congressional Committee." + +"Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a colossal +scale. Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you would be +in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country. + +"If I owned that sanguine temperament of yours, I should proceed at once +to marry into President GRANT'S family, and take some foreign mission. + +"You're a good feeder. Alimentiveness and order well developed. No man +better fitted to order a waiter around. From the immature condition of +your organ of benevolence, I shouldn't care, however, to be the waiter. + +"Self esteem doesn't seem to have been kept back by the drought. + +"Ideality, I discover from the depression in the S. W. corner, is +missing. Nature beautifully compensates this loss by making language +very full--more words than ideas. In profane language, I dare say, now, +you are particularly gifted. + +"In one respect your head resembles that of the Father of His Country. +It lacks adhesiveness. So does GEORGE'S--on the postage stamps. + +"Unlike most subjects, your organ of firmness is not confined to any one +spot, but is spread over the entire skull. This phenomenon is due to +your being what we technically call 'mule-headed'--a fine specimen +which--" + +"Excuse me," said I, unwilling any longer to impose on his good nature, +"I feel I must make sure of that other train, so I will just trouble you +for that organ of firmness and the rest of them. I never travel without +them." Then, hurrying all my phrenology into my hat, I started down the +street. + +I wonder he didn't say something about my memory's being below +par--somehow I quite forgot to pay him for shaving me. + +Yours, without recourse, + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY "HARD CIDER." + +THE PIPPINS OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY, (MESSRS. MORRISSEY, O'BRIEN, AND +FOX,) GETTING THEIR LAST SQUEEZE FROM GOVERNOR HOFFMAN.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM. + +He Strays among Sharpers, and "Sees the Elephant." + +There's many things in the big city which pleases me, and causes us +_all_ to feel hily tickled over our success as a Republic. + +At the present writin', many furrin' nations would give all their old +butes and shoes if, like us, they could throw their roolers overboard +every 4 years, and have a new deel. + +Our institutions are, many of 'em, sound: altho' I've diskivered to my +sorrer, that some of the inhabitants of New York are about as +puselanermus a set of dead-beats which ever stood up. + +While sojernin' here, my distinguished looks kicked up quite a sensation +wherever I put in an appearance. On one occasion, a man stepped up to me +who thought I was a banker, and richer than Creosote, and wanted me to +change a $100 bill. I diden't do it. Not much. No, sir-ee!--they +coulden't fool the old man on that ancient dodge. + +But, friend PUNCHINELLO, to my disgust and shagrin', I must acknolidge +the corn, and say, I hain't quite so soon as I allers give myself credit +for bein', as the sekel of this letter will show. + +Last Saturday P.M. I was a sailin' down Dye Street with my bloo cotton +umbreller under my arm, feelin' all so fine and so gay. + +When near the corner of West Street I turned around just in time to see +a ragged boy pick up a pocket-book. + +As the afoursaid boy started to run off, a well dressed lookin' man +ketched him by the cote coller. + +"What in thunder are you about?" says the boy. + +"That pocket-book belongs to this old gentleman," said the man, pintin' +to me. "I saw him drop it." + +"No it don't, nether," said the boy, tryin' to break away, "and I want +yer to let go my cote coller." + +The infatuated youth then tried his level best to jerk away, while his +capturer yanked and cuffed him, ontil the boy sot up a cryin'. + +I notissed as the youth turned around that he partly opened the wallet, +which was chock full of greenbax. + +A thought suddenly struck me. That 'ere boy looked as if he was depraved +enuff to steel the shoe-strings off'n the end of a Chinaman's cue, so +the Monongohalian's hair woulden't stay braided. + +Thinks I, if the young raskel should keep that pocket-book, like as not +he mite buy a fashinable soot of close and enter on a new career of +crime, and finally fetch up as a ward polertician. + +I must confess, that as I beheld that wallet full of bills, my mouth did +water rather freely, and I made up my mind, if wuss come to wusser, I +would not allow too much _temptashun_ to get in that boy's way. The man +turned to me and says: + +"Stranger, this is your pocket-book, for I'le swear I saw you drop it." + +What could a poor helpless old man like me do in euch a case, Mister +PUNCHINELLO? That man was willin' to sware that I dropped it, and I +larnt enuff about law, when I was Gustise of the Peece, to know I +coulden't swear I diden't drop it, and any court would decide agin me; +at the same time my hands itched to get holt of the well filled wallet. + +I trembled all over for fear a policeman, who was standin' on the +opposite corner, mite come over and stick in his lip. + +But no! like the wooden injuns before cigar stores, armed with a +tommyhawk and scalpin' knife, these city petroleums, bein' rather +slippery chaps, hain't half so savage as they look. + +When the boy heerd the man say I owned the pocket-book he caved in, and +began to blubber. Said he, whimperin': + +"Well--I--want--a--re--ward--for--findin' the--pocket-bo--hoo--ok." + +The well dressed individual, still holdin' onto the boy, then said to +me: + +"My friend, I'me a merchant, doin' bizziness on Broadway, at 4-11-44. +You've had a narrer escape from losin' your pocket-book. Give this rash +youth $50, to encourage him in bein' honest in the futer, and a glorious +reward awaits you. Look at me, sir!" said he, vehemently; "the turnin' +pint of my life was similar to this depraved youth's; but, sir! a reward +from a good lookin', beneverlent old gent like you, made a man of me, +and to-day I'me President of a Society for the _Penny-Ante_ corruption +of good morrils,' and there hain't a judge in the city who wouldn't give +me a home for the pleasure of my company." + +Such a man, I knew, woulden't lie about seein' me drop that pocket-book. +I took another look at the Guardian (?) of the public peace, morrils, +etc., who, when he was on his _Beat_, haden't the least objection to +anybody else bein' on _their beat_. He wasen't lookin' our way, but was +star-gazin', seein' if the sines was rite for him to go and take another +drink. + +"You are sure you saw me drop this wallet?" said I, addressin' the +President of the Penny-antee Society. + +"I'le take my affidavy on it," said he. + +I pulled out $50 and handed it to the boy, who handed me the pocket-book. + +"Mrs. GREEN! Mrs. GREEN!" soliloquised I, as I walked away, feelin' as +rich as if I held a good fat goverment offis, "if you could only see +your old man now, methinks you'd feel sorry that you hid all of his +close one mornin' last spring, so he coulden't go and attend a barn +raisin'. Yes, madam, your talented husband has struck ile." + +I stepped in a stairway to count my little fortin. I was very much +agitated. The wallet was soon opened; when-- + +"Ye ministers fallen from grace, defend us!" was the first exclamation +which bust 4th from my lips; for I hope to be flambusticated if I hadn't +gone and paid $50 for a lot of brown paper, rapt up into patent medesin +advertisements, printed like greenbax. + +For a few minnits I was crazier than a loon. + +I rusht madly into the street, runnin' into an old apple woman, nockin' +her "gally west." + +I quickly jumped to my feet and begun hollerin': + +"Murder! Thieves! Robbers!" + +The Policemen scattered, while a crowd of ragged urchins colected about +me. "My youthful vagabones," roared I, as loud as I could scream, "bring +along your stuffed wallets. The market price of brown paper is $50 an +ounce on call.--If you are lookin' for a greenhorn, I'me your man." + +I then broke my umbreller over a lamp-post, and button-hold a passer by, +offerin him a $100 if he'd send me to a loonatic asilum. + +Seein' a sine on the opposite corner which read: "Weigher's Office," I +rusht wildly in, and said to a man: + +"Captin, I've been _litened_. If you've got such a thing as a pair of +apothecary's scales about your premises, dump me on and give me the +figgers." + +I then tried to jump through a winder, but the man caught me by the cote +tails, and haulin' me back, sot me down into a cheer. + +I soon got cooled down, when I told the man how I'de been swindled, and +asked him what I had better do. + +"Do?" said he, laffin' as if heed bust. "My advice is, for you to take +the next train for your home, and then charge your loss to the acc't of +seein' the elefant." + +It hain't often I git took in, but that time I was swallered, +specturcals, white hat and all, as slick as if I'de been buttered all +over. + +I don't intend to let Mrs. GREEN know anything about this little +adventoor, but just as like as not, some day when I hain't thinking she +will worm it out of me, when Mariar will no doubt say: + +"Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that's what you git for stoppin' +takin' the weekly noosepapers, because they won't print the darned +nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and asleep." + +Ewers, lite as a fether, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + + * * * * * + + +A Serious Complication. + +The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in a +magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the +story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." Vernacularly, +this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it puzzles one to think +why the acquisition of wealth should subject the holder of it to the +liability of being kicked. + + * * * * * + +Enough Said. + +"Modern physiologists," said the Doctor, "have arrived at the conclusion +that man begins as a cell." + +"And what about woman?" returned the Scalper, "doesn't she begin as a +sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?" + +"She does," replied the doctor. + + * * * * * + +A Relative Question. + +Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun come +within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly +connected? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.] + + * * * * * + +A CRABBED HISTORY. + +Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs. A dainty succulent soft +shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the eye of the +epicure and makes his mouth water. Even a hard shell is not to be +despised when no other is attainable. We eat them with great gusto, +thinking they are "so nice," without considering for a moment that they +have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended for any other +purpose than the gratification of our palate. But that is a mistake +which I will try to rectify in order that the _bon vivant_ may enjoy +hereafter the pleasures of a mental and bodily feast conjointly. + +Most crabs are hatched from eggs, and begin life in a very small way. +They float round in the water, at first, without really knowing what +they are about. They have but little sense to start with, but after a +while improve and begin to strike out in a blind instinctive way, which, +after a few efforts, resolves itself into real genuine swimming. They +commence walking about the same time. Awkward straggling steps, to be +sure, but they get over the ground, and that is the most they care for. + +When they are about a month old they begin to feel that life has its +realities, and that they must do something towards the end for which +they were made. The thought is faint at first, but by degrees grows +weightier, till at last they can stand it no longer, and, making a great +effort to throw off the incubus of babyhood that weighs so heavily upon +them, they burst open the back door of their shell and slowly creep out +backwards. It takes about five minutes for them to get entirely out, +head, legs and all, and then for a moment or two they gaze in +stupefaction at their old shell, amazed to find that they have, by their +own efforts, unaided and alone, accomplished such a wonderful change. + +The thought is overwhelming. It fills them with pride; rejoicingly they +exult, and swell with gratification. This state of self-gratulation +lasts about twenty minutes, at the end of which time they have increased +their bulk to nearly double its former size, and they remain so. + +They can't get back into the old shell now, for it won't fit them, and +as there is no other for them to go into, the only thing left for them +to do is to build another house. + +It takes three or four days before they get fairly to work, and during +this time they are called soft-shell crabs. This stage is particularly +dangerous to the delicate creatures, for they, in their tender beauty, +are so attractive to hungry fishes that it is really a wonder any +escape. Tender, helpless, innocent and beautiful, they are almost sure +to be victimized and gormandized. + +Some, however, escape the fate intended for them, and in a few days +begin to enjoy life in a crabbed sort of a way. Another month passes on. +They become restless and uneasy, and feel that it won't do to stay too +long in one place. They think they had better make another change, and +so this time, in a more self-confident manner, they pack up and move out +at the back door again. They are no more provident now, however, than +they were at first, for, after having given up the old house, they have +no new one to move into. They are not troubled as we are with +house-hunting; they are good builders, and can make one to suit +themselves. A wise provision of nature, for these interesting creatures +are really obliged monthly to go out doors to grow. + +This state is to them doubly dangerous. Mankind they always have to +fear, but now they are tempting to their own race. A wicked old crab +goes out for a stroll. The walk gives him an appetite; he looks around +for something to eat and spies a younger brother just moving. +Treacherously be plants himself behind a stone or shell, and watches the +process, chuckling in his inmost stomach over the dainty meal in +prospect. The youthful one has just got clear of his old home and its +restraints, and is delighting in his freedom, when up walks the vampire, +strikes him a blow on his defenceless head, knocks the life out of him, +and then sits down to a dinner of soft-shell crab. He is an old +sportsman, and enjoys exceedingly the meal gained by his own prowess. + +Dinner over, he wipes his claws on the muddy table-cloth and walks out +for his digestion. Off in the distance he spies a young gentleman crab +making love to a beautiful female. He looks at her with a discriminating +eye. Sees she is fair to look upon, and thinks he would like to be +acquainted. He makes several sideway moves in the direction, ungraceful, +but satisfactory to himself, and as he advances his admiration +increases, his courage improves; he feels almost heroic. The observant +lover with staring eyes perceives the advancing strides of another +gentleman crab, and instantly, seized with jealous fears, clasps his +_inamorata_ to his shelly breast with his numerous little legs, holds +her tightly so that she can't fall, and walks off on his hands. + +The old cannibal observes the change of base, feels insulted at the +implied distrust, and resolves to have satisfaction. Increasing his +efforts, he soon overtakes the runaway lovers, challenges his rival by +giving him a dig with his claw, and tells him to "come out and show +himself a crab." Of course no crab of spirit is going to receive an +insult before his beloved and not resent it; with one painful quiver of +his little legs, he sets the lady crab down, and then the two amorous +lovers proceed to deadly combat. Love strengthens the young crab's +heart. Justice nerves his arm; and soon a lucky blow from the sharp claw +pierces in a vital part the hardened sinner, who, with a gulp, gives up +the contest and his life at once. + +An exultant shout bubbles up in the water, and then the heroic defender +of crabbed maidenhood leads his beloved to view the remains of this +ravager of hard-shell rights. + +They rejoice over the fallen adversary a while, and then, to make their +happiness more complete, and to prosper his wooing, the victor invites +his love to dine on the tender part of the victim. + +The invitation is gladly accepted, and they enjoy a delicious meal, +rendered doubly tasteful from the fact that they are feasting on an +enemy. + +The facts deduced from the above history prove that crabs have tastes +and feelings just as mankind have. They are gallant to their females; +never engage in combat with the weaker sex; fight and kill each other +when angry; love good eating, and are cannibalistic--which last habit +they may have learned from their ancestors of the Feejee Islands. + + * * * * * + +BAITED BREATH.--That of the boy who had "wums fur bait" in his mouth. + + * * * * * + +OCTOBER JOTTINGS. + +Attracted by the dulcet strains of a brass band, a day or two since, +PUNCHINELLO ascended to the summit of the N.E. tower of his residence, +looking from which he beheld a target company all with crimson shirts +ablaze marching up the Bowery. Then, glancing over towards Long Island, +he observed that Nature was already assuming her russet robes, which +circumstance, combined with that of the target company, reminded him +that the shooting season had just commenced. A few hints to young +sportsmen, then, from so old a one as PUNCHINELLO, will not, be hopes, +be taken amiss--not even though, in shooting phrase, a miss is generally +as good as a mile. + +Before taking the field, look well to your shooting-irons. +Fowling-pieces are far more apt to Get Foul while they are lying away +during the off season, than when they are taken out for a day's sport by +the fowlers. + +On releasing your gun from its summer prison, always examine it +carefully, to ascertain whether it is loaded. This you can do by looking +down into the barrel and touching the trigger with your toe. If your +head is blown off, then you may be sure that the gun was loaded. +Otherwise not. + +Should your gun be a breech-loader, always load it at the muzzle. This +will show that you know better than the man who made it, or, at least, +that he is no better than you. + +If you are a novice in gunnery it will be safest for you to put the shot +in before the powder. By doing this you will not only provide against +possible accidents, but will secure for yourself the reputation of being +a very safe man to go out shooting with. + +When you go out with your gun, always dress in a shootable costume. For +instance, if you want to bag lots of Dead Rabbits, TWEED will be the +best stuff you can wear--especially about November 8th, on which day you +will be certain to find Some Quail about the polling places. (N.B. They +are beginning to quail already.) + +The best time to acquire the art of shooting flying is fly time. Always +carry a whiskey flask about you, so that you can practice at Swallows. + +When you hear the drum of the ruffed grouse, steal silently through the +thicket and let drive in the direction of the sound. Should you bring +down a target company instead of a ruffed grouse, so much the better. It +will only be bagging ruffs of another kind, and by silencing their drums +you will have conferred an obligation upon humanity. + +There is much diversity of opinion regarding the best kind of dog for +fowling purposes. It all depends upon what work you want your dog to do +for you. If you want to have birds pointed, a pointer is best for your +purpose. If set, a setter. But if you want a dog that will go in and +kill without either pointing or setting, be sure that the Iron Dog is +the dog for your money. You can procure one of Staunch Blood by +application at Police Head-Quarters. + +Before going out for a day's sport, resolve yourself into a committee of +one for the preservation of choice ornithological specimens. By this we +do not mean that you are to set up in business as a taxidermist, but +that you are bound--if a true sportsman--to protect the song birds, and +the birds that are useful in destroying noxious vermin, and all the +beautiful feathered creatures that ornament our woods, and fields, and +parks, from the depredations of the ignorant, loutish, pestilent, +pernicious pot-hunter. The Sportsmen's Clubs that have been organized +throughout the country should be supported by every true sportsman; and +if you lay a thick stick vigorously across the back of the first fool +you see about to kill Cock Robin, you will have established a very +efficacious Sportsman's Club of your own, and will have earned the best +regards of Mr. PUNCHINELLO to boot--by which he means, if you choose, +that you have his leave and license to boot the fellow into the bargain. + + * * * * * + +MORE ABOUT CHIGNONS. + +The chignon is coming to the front again. By this we do not mean that it +is worn, or likely to be worn before--in saying which the word "before" +is not used by us in its acceptation of previously, but in that of +front; although, now that we come to think of it, the _chignon_ +certainly has been worn before, as may be seen by consulting +old-fashioned prints, in which it is shown worn behind. This, to the +ordinary mind, may seem rather confused; and so it is; but what else +could you expect from a writer when he has got _chignon_ upon the brain? + +For newspapers the _chignon_ is just now a teeming subject. Every day or +so somebody writes to a paper, saying that be has discovered a new kind +of parasite, hatched by the genial warmth of woman's nape from some +deleterious padding or other used in the manufacture of her _chignon_. +Sometimes it is vegetable stuff, sometimes animal, but it always teems +with pedicular creatures akin to that low and vulgar kind not usually +recognized in polite society. All these horrors come and and don't make +much difference in the _chignon_ market; but PUNCHINELLO has a new one +that is calculated to create a sensation--about the nape of the female +neck--and here it is. + +In the beech forests of Hungary, as is well known to Danubian explorers, +there exists a very remarkable breed of pigs, one of their peculiarities +being that they are covered with wool instead of with bristles. These +pigs are shorn regularly every year, like sheep. Their wool, which is +very stiff and curly, is used for stuffing cushions and mattresses of +the cheap and nasty kind. Since _chignons_ have come into fashion, a +vast amount of pig's wool has been imported for their manufacture. By +microscopic investigation the wool of the Hungary pig has been found +swarming with _trichinae_; to a fearful extent. Now, it is easy to +imagine that the _trichinae_ obtained from a hungry pig must be of a +very insatiable and ravenous disposition, and this is but too often +realized by the silly wearers of the porcine _chignons_, into whose +brains, (when they happen to have any,) the horrible little parasites +worm their way in myriads, rendering their hapless victims pig-headed to +an extent that defies description either with pen or pencil. + +The Pig-faced Woman exhibited some time ago in Europe was once a very +pretty girl, her hideous deformity being the result of wearing a +_chignon_ stuffed with Hungary pigs' wool. + +In purchasing a pig _chignon_, then, the Girl of the Period had better +look out that she does not get "too much pork for a shilling." + + * * * * * + +MATCHING THE MATCHLESS. + +Matchmaking has always been traditionally supposed to be the chief end +of woman. No wonder that, with the spread of the new theories of woman's +rights, therefore, we find them invading departments of industry which +were formerly supposed to be peculiarly the domain of the stronger sex. +We have recently seen running matches, swimming matches, rowing matches, +and other fancy matches, made by women. And why not? The women are wise +in thus preparing themselves for proficiency in the arts of primary +elections, ballot stuffing and the rest, incidental to untrammelled +suffrage. + +In regard to this, also, it may not be amiss to suggest that this +passion for match-making lies at the bottom of the recent increase in +divorce, which so alarms some timid moralists. Certain it is that easy +divorce enlarges the opportunities for its gratification, and to be +"fancy" and "free" is no longer a charm peculiar only to "maiden +meditation." + + * * * * * + +HISTORY FACTORY. + +Card to the Public. + +The undersigned, having recently increased their facilities for the +manufacture of History upon an unusually large scale, would hereby +announce to their patrons and the public in general that they have +associated with them Messrs. VICTOR EMANUEL and General TROCHU. + +LOUIS NAPOLEON, + +M. BISMARCK, + +WM. O'PRUSSIA, + + * * * * * + +Commercial. + +A proof of the present great depression in the Whaling business is the +fact that the editor of the _Sun_ still walks about unflogged. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HORSE-CAR AMENITIES. + +_Conductor_. "Wanted to get off, did you?--Then why in thunder didn't +you say so?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CHOICE OF PARIS (IN AMERICA.) + + One drink, dear friend, before we part-- + Before I tempt the shining sea; + One drink to pledge each constant heart-- + Yet stay, what shall the tipple be? + + My eyes are dazed with bar-room "signs" + In which, I pray, shall friendship conquer? + Can alien I drink "native" wines? + Are Jew-lips Christian tipple, _mon coeur_? + + This "cobbler"--is't a heeling drink? + A "smash" were surely inauspicious; + _Toute de-suite_, two "sours"--yet I think + Ah! _qu'est-ce-qui c'est!_--acetate is vicious! + + _Garcon!_ two "skins"--the name is 'cute--- + You Yankees "twig" the pharmaceutical; + But hold! art sure the flay-vor'll suit? + Will it not smack too much of cuticle? + + No, boy, no "skins." Let's try some beer, + A milder fluid for to-day; + Ottawa bring us--_c'est a dire_, + Some beer that keeps the 'ot away. + + No? Well, some ale: in limpid Bass + We'll drown our thirst and parting grief; + Come drink--_arretez!_ this _must_ pass-- + 'Twould look too much like bas-relief! + + The hour arrives; our lips are dry; + What _shall_ it be? Oh, name it for me! + A _tasse_ of gin? I drink and fly + To toss upon the ocean stormy. + + * * * * * + + +"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER." + +Freedom of action is one of the greatest boons enjoyed by mankind in +modern days. Its rate of progress is encouraging, especially since the +Liberal Club of this city has taken it under its protection. It is a +very significant association, is the Liberal Club; rather iconoclastic, +to be sure, but only a little ahead of the times, perhaps, in that +respect; Some of our cherished forms of speech have already been +rendered obsolete by the Liberal Club. It used to be such a clincher to +say, when one wanted to enforce a point by indicating an impossibility, +"I will eat my boots unless"--etc., etc. That clincher has gone to the +place whither good clinchers go, forever. At a late meeting of the +Liberal Club, Professor VAN DER WEYDE contributed to the evening +collation a pudding made of an old boot. The pudding was garnished with +the wooden pegs that had kept the boot together, sole and body, while it +walked the earth. The boot-jack with which the original source of the +pudding used to be pulled off was also exhibited, and excited great +interest. It is the intention, of the Professor to subject this +implement to some process by which it will be resolved into farina, or +sawdust, and then to make a Jack Pudding of it. Many of the ladies and +gentlemen present partook of the boot pudding, and pronounced it +excellent. One lady, (a member of Sorosis, we believe,) said that she +thought it tasted like a pear. The Professor assured her, however, that +he had used but one boot in making it, not a pair. Altogether, the +pudding was a success. Freedom of action had been vindicated, and the +absurd prejudice that had hitherto prevented men from utilizing their +old boots as food, except in extreme cases, was shattered with one blow. + + * * * * * + +PANOPLY FOR OUR POLICE. + +PUNCHINELLO felicitates the Municipal Police Force on the magnificent +new shields with which the manly breasts of its members are decorated. +Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO considers it sheer mockery to call that a +shield by which nothing is shielded. A buckle might as well be called a +buckler as the policeman's badge a shield. Already our noble skirmishers +of the side-walk are fully provided for the offensive, and, considering +the risks run by them from the roughs, the toughs and the gruffs, it is +high time that they were furnished with something in the defensive line. +Curb-chain undershirts have been suggested, but an objection to their +use is that links of them are apt to be carried into the interior +anatomy by pistol bullets, thus introducing a surplus of iron into the +blood,--an accession which is apt to steel the heart of the officer thus +experimented on, and so render him deaf to the cries of innocence in +distress. PUNCHINELLO suggests, then, that the policeman's shield should +_be_ a shield. Let it be made sufficiently large to cover the most +vulnerable portion of the person, as shown in the annexed design. If +made of gong-metal, so much the better, as the wearer could then ring +out signals upon it with his locust far more effectively than by the +present ridiculous mode of beating up rowdydow upon the flag-stones. +Although our gallant Municipal Blue is never backward in facing danger, +yet it might be judicious for him to wear a shield upon his back as well +as upon his front, because it is just possible that, in case of a row, +his large, heavy boots might be conveying him away in a direction +diametrically opposite to the spot at which the shooting was going on. + +[Illustration] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | GENTLEMENS' HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LADIES LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemens' | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 8th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED | + | | + | A Splendid Assortment of | + | | + | PARIS MADE DRESSES, | + | | + | From Worth E Pingnet and other Celebrated | + | Makers | + | | + | ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS, | + | OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE, | + | | + | Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not | + | superior, to any in this city. | + | | + | Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats | + | Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot's and other | + | Modletes of the highest Parisian standing. | + | | + | The Prices of the Above are Extremely | + | Attractive. | + | | + | BROADWAY | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains. | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | GRAY MIXED SUITS, | + | MADE OF BEST QUALITY FRINGED CHEVIOT | + | SUITINGS, $8 EACH. | + | | + | Scotch Plaid Fringed Suits, | + | VERY HANDSOME, ALSO $8 EACH. | + | | + | WATERPROOF SUITS, | + | WITH DEEP OVERSKITS, $10 EACH. | + | | + | A LARGE STOCK OF | + | POPLIN ALPACA SUITS, | + | CHOICE SHADES OF COLOR, | + | From $12 each upward. | + | | + | Heavy Rich | + | SILK AND POPLIN SUITS, | + | ELEGANTLY TRIMMED, FROM $60 EACH UPWARD | + | | + | ONE CASE PARIS-MADE SUITS, | + | One Case Handsome Millinery, | + | THREE CASES CHILDREN'S | + | Part, and London Made | + | | + | Dresses, Suits, Robes and Underwear, | + | One Case Pattern Velvet and Cloth. | + | Cloaks, Sacques and Richly Embroidered | + | Breakfast Jackets, | + | | + | AT VERY ATTRACTIVE PRICES. | + | | + | BROADWAY | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) . . $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) . . . 2.00 | + | " " three months, . . . . . . . . . . . 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 | + | | + | | + | "We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for. . . . . . $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | _Wild Roses._ 12-1/8 x 9. | + | | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/5 x 10-1/4--for. . . . . . . . . $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. | + | Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 | + | | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; | + | The Unconscious Sleeper; | + | The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4 | + | | + | Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | + | | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | + | | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and | + | | + | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | + | price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | + | | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | --for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AGGRAVATING. + +_Sidewalk Merchant_. "BUY A BUNDLE OF TOOTHPICKS, BOSS--ONLY THREE +CENTS." _Old Gent_. "TOOTHPICKS?--WHY, I'VE JUST BIN AND HAD MY LAST +TOOTH OUT!"] + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | AND | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | PRINTING, | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | STATIONERY, | + | Make all kinds of | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | Makes the Best and Cheapest | + | ENVELOPES | + | Ever offered to the Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + |States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have | + | INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the | + | most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, | + | with all Lines | + | By Rail or River | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, | + | ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | + | of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | | + | PRICE $2. 50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies,......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written Expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, | + | one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783 | + | | + | 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October +15, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 29 *** + +***** This file should be named 10047.txt or 10047.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/4/10047/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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