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diff --git a/old/10144.txt b/old/10144.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0cdbfa6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10144.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2614 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., No. 35, November 26, +1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. II., No. 35, November 26, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 20, 2003 [EBook #10144] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 35 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, | + | on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER, | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR | + | | + | THE TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. II. No. 35. + + +SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1870. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie Flowers," +"Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large and small. + +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp, + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO--the | + | only first-class, original, illustrated, | + | humorous and satirical weekly paper | + | published in this country--ending with | + | No. 26, September 24, 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Extra Cloth, | + | | + | is now ready for delivery, | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United | + | States on receipt of price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from | + | October 1st, No. 27, and the Bound | + | Volume (the latter prepaid), will be sent | + | to any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three | + | Bound Volumes, with an extra copy of | + | Bound Volume, to any person sending | + | us three subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, | + | with a fine chromo premium, | + | for $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, | + | as the paper is electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Salable Book. | + | | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | Post-Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper | + | everywhere. Send for our Special Circular. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N.Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No. 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | JOHN NICKINSON, | + | | + | ROOM No. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for October | + | | + | Bound In a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price 40 cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six Per Cent. Interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President._ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FACTS FOR THE LADIES. | + | | + | I have a Wheeler & Wilson machine (No. 289), bought of Mr. | + | Gardner in 1853, he having used it a year. I have used it | + | constantly, in shirt manufacturing as well as family sewing, | + | sixteen years. My wife ran it four years, and earned between | + | $700 and $800, besides doing her housework. I have never | + | expended fifty cents on it for repairs. It is, to-day, in | + | the best of order, stitching fine linen bosoms nicely. I | + | started manufacturing shirts with this machine, and now have | + | over one hundred of them in use. I have paid at least $3,000 | + | for the stitching done by this old machine, and it will do | + | as much now as any machine I have. | + | | + | W.F. TAYLOR. | + | | + | BERLIN, N.Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer, | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEORGE WEVILL, | + | | + | WOOD ENGRAVER, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The only Journal of its kind in America!! | + | | + | The American Chemist: | + | | + | A MONTHLY JOURNAL | + | | + | OF | + | | + | THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL | + | CHEMISTRY. | + | | + | DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS. | + | | + | EDITED BY | + | Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler. | + | | + | The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, | + | having purchased the subscription list and stock of the | + | American reprint of THE CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to | + | advance the interests of American Chemical Science by the | + | publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of | + | communication for all practical, thinking, experimenting, | + | and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. | + | | + | The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | + | reception of original articles from any part of the country, | + | subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any | + | point of interest within the scope of Journal will receive | + | prompt attention. | + | | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | + | | + | Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; | + | 50 cts. per number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | _434 Broome Street, New York._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +MAN AND WIVES. + +A TRAVESTY. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +CHAPTER FIRST. + +CROQUET. + +A croquet party has assembled in Mrs. TIMOTHY LADLE'S front yard, +located in one of the most romantic spots in that sylvan retreat, the +State of Indiana. + +"Who's going to play," did you say? + +Come with me, and I'll introduce you. + +This austere female, with such inflexible rigidity of form, such +harrowing cork-screw curls, and chronic expression as of smelling +something disagreeable, is Mrs. LADLE, the hostess. A widow. Her +husband, the late TIMOTHY, was a New York detective. Amassing a +competency, he emigrated to Indiana, became a Bank Director and +Sunday-School Superintendent, and died beloved by all. + +Produce your very best bow for Mrs. LADLE, and trot out your company +talk, for she's in the mother-in-law business, and thoroughly up to +snuff. + +This old male party, with the remains of a luxuriant growth of very red +hair, clinging fondly, like underbrush round a rock, to the sides of his +head, with a seedy-looking patch far under the chin to match, whose limp +dickey droops pensively as if seeking to crawl bodily into the embrace +of the plaid gingham which encircles his neck, and in whose nose is +embodied that rare vermilion tint which artists so love to dwell +upon;--this is the Hon. MICHAEL LADLE, brother of the late TIMOTHY, a +Western Member of Congress, and a grass widower. + +This girl of the period, whose saucy black eyes bear down on you like a +twenty-four gun frigate; looking as it were through you, and counting +the hairs on the back of your neck, is Miss BELINDA LADLE, daughter of +the deceased TIMOTHY, and step-daughter to the hostess who was TIM'S +second matrimonial venture, you understand. + +This young woman mounts a lager-beer cask, and stops the buzz of +conversation by bringing her mallet down with a smart rap upon the head +of the nearest bald-headed gentleman. + +"Attention, company," said she--"Stand up straight, and look as well as +you can.--_Take_--mallets." + +While the guests are boisterously laughing, with that rare appreciation +of refined humor peculiar to the West, Mrs. LADLE, the proper, attempts +an indignant remonstrance, but is interrupted by the Hon. MICHAEL. + +"Oh, let the little gal have her tantrums, sister-in-law," said he. +"Mebbe _you_ was young once, though nobody now living could swear to +it." + +"Come," interrupted BELINDA, "we've had gassin' enough. Choose your +partners. Mildewed age, before infantile beauty. Mother-in-law, go in." + +The extremely respectable and highly dignified female last alluded to +shook her fist at BELINDA on the sly, and said: + +"I'll take ANN BRUMMET." + +The lady who stepped forward at this summons was greeted with a wide +stare, and every eye-glass was focussed. + +She was a remarkable-looking female. She wasn't exactly handsome, but +there was a sort of a something about her, you understand, +that--ah--riveted the gaze of folks generally, you see, and a +fellow--ah--caught himself looking the second time, as you may say--and +ah--it wasn't style either, for one shoulder was higher than the other, +and her hair was done up in a bob, and she took awful long steps, and +swung her arms as far as they would go each way; and her collar looked +as though she'd slept in it, and she wore rubbers like a school-ma'am. + +And you couldn't say 'twas regularity of features exactly, either, for +her eyes were too limited in circumference, and her nose too numerous in +diameter; and her mouth monopolized too much latitude, and she had a +hair-mole on one cheek, and faint dawnings of a moustache on her upper +lip. But in spite of these trivial eccentricities, you felt when you +looked at her, as I said before--ah--a sort of--as it were--a-- + +By Jove, I can't describe it. + +The general impression was that she was an heiress, and the comments +were numerous. + +"How graceful!" "Look at that swan-like neck!" "What a perfect form!" +"What a dove-like expression!" "Do introduce me!" "Who is she?" + +"She's a poor relation of Mrs. LADLE'S." + +"There, I thought so!" "What an object!" "Forcing herself into genteel +society, too!" "The audacity of these creatures is perfectly horrid." + +It was BELINDA'S turn to choose next, and she pointed straight at the +man she wanted, and said: + +"JEFFRY MAULBOY." + +It was natural she should choose him, for he was greatly respected by +all present, and the ladies especially regarded him as simply a hero; +for he was one of the Great Masters in the noble Art of Muscle. + +Let me explain. + +At the time of which I write, there had been a contest in the +Universities of America between Brains and Muscle, and the latter had +conquered. Brains were accounted a very good thing in their way, but +what we want, sir, is Muscle. If a man can master his Greek, and his +Latin, and his Theology, and his Law, and such frothy trifles between +times, well and good, but he musn't neglect his Muscle. + +And so base-ball clubs were organized, and the Long Heels challenged the +Short Heels, and the leading journals published cards of defiance from +the Knockers to the Hitters, together with labored editorials on the +same. And boat-races and sculling matches were set on foot, and once a +year the students repaired with their friends to a city afflicted with a +lake, where, pending the contest, they organized a Reign of Terror, +during which the harmless inhabitants locked themselves in their houses +and clasped their offspring to their bosoms, or gazed terror-stricken +from an attic-window upon the classical marauders below, as they +indulged in a _post-mortem_ examination of a private dwelling, or the +rare pleasantry of roasting a policeman. But dared complain, for public +excitement waxed high on the subject of Muscle. + +And when the day arrived which was to decide the momentous question, the +banks of the lake were decked with the beauty and culture of the land, +and fair hands "staked their odds," and fair lips became familiar with +"home-stretches," "spurts," and "fouls." + +A body of students crossed the ocean to win a boat-race, and the public +Press told us in very large capitals what they ate and drank, and the +exact condition of a boil belonging to one of the party. But the heart +of the nation beat high with hope, until the appalling intelligence was +flashed across the wires that they were defeated. It was a cruel blow. +Strong men looked at one another in mute agony, or spoke as if there was +a corpse in the next room. The Press sent up a wail that resounded +through the land. An eminent divine pronounced it a "National +misfortune," and the pictorials containing wood-cuts of the lamented +heroes were put away, as we put away the playthings of a child that has +died. + +No wonder that Mr. JEFFRY MAULBOY was looked up to and courted, for he +had a medal bestowed upon him as a Champion Paddler, and had lost a bet +of fifty dollars on the "Great International Contest." + +But his towering ambition remained unsated. He realized that he lived in +a progressive age, and his superior talents enabled him to take a stand +far ahead of his fellows. By diligent application to his noble +profession, he was now a member of that exalted Institution, "The Prize +Ring of America," and the letters P.R.U.S.A. were elegantly imprinted +with blue ink upon his right arm. + +There were two persons present, however, who didn't regard JEFFRY +MAULBOY as a little god. One was the Hon. MICHAEL LADLE; the other was +ANN BRUMMET. + +She was putting her tongue out, and making faces at him from behind an +apple-tree. A lady who saw her said it improved her appearance. + +When BELINDA chose JEFFRY, he very deliberately took a chew of tobacco, +and said he wouldn't play. + +"This is the sickest croquet party I ever saw," said BELINDA. "All +backing out. Spos'en I take you then, you dear old buffer," she added, +addressing the Hon. MICHAEL. + +"I may be an old buffer," said the Hon. Member from the West, but I am +young enough for anything here. As STOWE BYRON says: + + "Oh, days of my childhood's hours, + I'm a gazin' on ye yit." + +He was interrupted by JEFFRY MAULBOY. + +"You say you are young enough for anything here," said he; "suppose you +and I try a little mill out back of the house." + +"Young man," replied the Hon. MICHAEL, "if there's one mistake in life +that your parents grieve over, it is probably the mistake of your birth. +If you don't have any serious drawbacks, and are careful of your health, +you will make a first-class DEAD BEAT. When a man insults me, sir, I lay +him out, without depending in the smallest degree upon an undertaker, +but as for standing up in front of a man who mashes noses by contract, +and chaws off ears as a matter of genteel business, why it ain't my +cut." + +JEFFRY MAULBOY took another chew of tobacco. + +"You can go on," he said. "I won't hurt you. You're too small potatoes +for me." + +While this gentle raillery was in progress, BELINDA felt somebody +tugging at her dress. She looked down, and saw Mr. ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, a +sailor-looking chap who smelt of tar, and well he might, for he had +ploughed the tempestuous deep for upwards of six months, as a common +sailor on the Erie Canal. + +"Shiver my starboard binnacle amidships," said he, "why don't you choose +_me?"_ + +She squeezed his hand and winked at him. + +"I _will_ choose you, dear," said she. "Don't blush so." + +The game has commenced. + +JEFFRY MAULBOY, standing aloof, is just taking a fresh chew, when a hand +is laid on his shoulder. + +The hand is that of ANN BRUMMET, the poor relation, and the voice that +breaks on his ear is also the property of that extraordinary woman. + +"JEFF," said she cautiously, "meet me in just half an hour, out back of +the house. You know the place. Where the woodbine has twined so much. +I've got something _very_ particular to tell you." And she pinched his +arm slyly. + +The game progresses. + +The Hon. MICHAEL LADLE and ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP are conversing together. + +"That MAULBOY is a jackass," said the former. "Is he a friend of +your'n?" + +"Well, not exactly," returned ARCHIBALD. "You see, it's just like this," +he continued, hitching up his pants behind, and rolling, the same as +sailors do on the stage. "About two months ago JEFF made a voyage with +me. One night we were bowling along the canal under a very stiff breeze. +The compass stood north-east and a half, the thermometer was chafing +fearfully, and the jib-boom, only two-thirds reefed was lashing +furiously against the poop-deck. Suddenly, that terrible cry, 'A man +overboard!' I lost no time. I bore down on the taffrail threw the cook +overboard, and soon had the satisfaction of seeing our noble craft lay +over abaft the wind. Then, quick as thought, I belayed the windlass and +lowered a gaff. It struck something soft. I heard JEFF cry: 'Don't hit +my head again.' I was careful. The gaff slid along his back, and finally +settled firmly into the seat of his trousers. He was hoisted aboard. The +first thing he did was to see if his tobacco was safe. Then he offered +me a chew and said: 'Bless you, bless you; you have saved my life, and +owe me a debt of gratitude forever.' And I 'spose I do," added ARCHIBALD. +"It's the way of the world." + +"Well," said the Hon. MICHAEL, "I don't envy you. I shouldn't want to +owe him a debt of any kind." + +"Why?" queried BLINKSOP. + +"Because, sooner or later, you'll have to pay it, double over," was the +reply. + +(To be continued.) + + * * * * * + +From Gay to Grave. + +Here is a suggestive item from abroad:-- + +"On the Crown Prince's birthday he and his staff dined with the King of +Prussia at the Prefecture at Versailles, where covers were laid for +eighty." + +Will PRUSSIA have the goodness to inform PUNCHINELLO (post-paid) how +many victims of the battle-field _covers_ have been laid for since the +beginning of the war? + + * * * * * + +Confidential. + +Business at the Interior Department will now be done up in a rapid +manner, for there can be no delay by DELA-NO. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE. + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Veritas._ A paragraph has been going the rounds of the papers, giving +some description of an animal called the "Tygomelia"--a sort of +camelopard--said to have lately been captured in the Hudson Bay +Territory. Is any such animal known to naturalists? +_Answer._ Not that we know of; but there's no telling what sort of +animals the writer of the paragraph referred to might have running in +his head. + +_Blondula._ My hair has gradually assumed a lovely golden hue, but my +complexion is very dark. Will eating arsenic make me fair? +_Answer._ Stuff! (but not with arsenic.) Keep a candy-store, and be fair +in your dealings. + +_Ornithologist._ I have a stuffed specimen of a beautiful bird called +the "Wax-wing." Was this kind of bird known to the ancients, and, if so, +where can I find a description of it? +_Answer._ Look for ICARUS, in LEMPRIERE'S Dictionary. ICARUS was the son +of DAEDALUS. It is said that old DAEDY, his daddy, made wings for him, +and stuck them on with cobbler's wax. ICKY took flight with them, and +got so close to the sun that the wax melted and his wings came off. Then +JUPITER caught him in his umbrella as he was falling, and transformed +him to the bird known as the "Wax wing." + +G.F. TRAIN. Down with the Uhlans! Up with the black flag! Killed four +Uhlans before breakfast this morning. Uhlans wear baggy sky-blue +breeches. Give 'em sky-blue fits! BOURBAKI dined with me yesterday. +American fare. Gopher soup; rattlesnake hash; squirrel _saute;_ +fricasseed opossum; pumpkin pie. That's your sort! Blue coat and brass +buttons. White Marseilles waistcoat. France saved by Marseilles +waistcoat. Organize earthquake to swallow London. JOHN BULL trembles. +Tours trembles. Italy trembles. Leaning tower of Pisa changes base and +slopes other way. Tired of France. Change base and slope other way. +PUNCHINELLO for the throne of Spain! Down with AOSTA! Down with effete +monarchies! Down with rents! Up with G.F. TRAIN! +_Answer._ Certainly. + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO TO "THE SUN." + +DEAR SUNNY:--In our issue dated November 19th, we took occasion to +congratulate you upon the sparkle added to your "Sunbeams" by the +judicious reproduction of our crisp and crystalline little poem "SALLY +SALTER." We have no doubt that your languid circulation was partly +restored by the timely aid thus unconsciously afforded you by +PUNCHINELLO. If any SALTER could save your bacon for you, surely "SALLY" +was the one to do it; only you shouldn't have tried to pass her off as +one of your own SALLIES. The jackdaw decked out in peacock's feathers +was a bird truly absurd, though not a whit more so than a Solar Dodo +like yourself with a PUNCHINELLO plume for a tail. + +Now, in your number for November 9th, we find a remarkably pretty +"Autumn Song." It was pointed out to us, triumphantly, by a man who +carries _The Sun_ in his pocket, and who wanted to know why PUNCHINELLO +never gave his readers anything like _that?_ In reply, we courteously +referred him to PUNCHINELLO of October 22d, in which that identical +"Autumn Song" made its "first appearance upon any stage." And so there +you go, dear DODO SUNNY, with another PUNCHINELLO feather in your +pensive tail. Keep decking yourself with the feathers, dear SUNNY. They +become you well; and when you've got a bushel or so of 'em, we'll +dispose of you to BARNUM as the original Anti-Promethean Dodo that stole +fire from PUNCHINELLO to light up _The Sun._ + +PUNCHINELLO. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THAT BLONDE BUSINESS. + +_Little Nell._ "O MA, WHAT PRETTY BOOTS THOSE LADIES HAVE!" + +_Mamma._ "AND SUCH NICE DRESSES, TOO." + +_Little Nell._ "DRESSES, MA? I DON'T SEE ANY DRESSES--I ONLY SEE THEIR +BOOTS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +A Bilious Review of the French Situation.--Hot Fat for Idiots.--Trochu +Encounters a Conundrum. + +PARIS, SEVENTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--If America has any "bowels of compassion" it is fit +that they should yearn now. This frothy and frenzied Republic is at that +ebb where national "extreme unction" must be administered speedily, else +the sufferer will pass away from the theatre of sublunary things without +the benefit of clergy. I feel as if I would like to get the whole nation +on a toasting-fork before a slow fire, and roast it into a realizing +sense of what the devil is doing for it. To see BISMARCK feeding on +shrimps with anchovy sauce, and drinking champagne, while TROCHU and +JULES FAVRE fight domestic treason within the walls, and the Prussians +without, upon stomachs that feebly digest Parisian "hard tack" and +gritty _vin ordinaire,_ is enough to make the spirit of liberty lay over +the mourner's bench and perpetrate a perfect Niagara of tears. When +FLOURENS bagged the whole government at the Hotel de Ville the other +day, my feelings got the better of me, and I went for him. + +"Idiotic Frenchmen!" I exclaimed, in a voice that must have sounded like +an echo working its way through a thick upper crust of doughy +apple-dumplings; "Idiotic Frenchmen, do you know what you are doing? +Have you the feelings of a man, or of a mad dog? Which is it that it is, +that you should be worrying the life out of this croupy infant of +liberty, as is hardly able to waggle its head, barring all hope that it +will ever get upon its pins and take its 'constitutional' like other +mortals in distress? Where is the ghost of MIRABEAU, that it does not +come upon you all of a sudden, to confiscate the very marrow in your +bones and set up a candle factory in spite of the tax on tallow? Where +is LAFAYETTE? Where is REGINALD DE LYLE? Where is ROBESPIERRE and GEORGE +FRANCIS TRAIN? Where is the DUKE DE MONTEBELLO, or the Count of MONTE +CHRISTO, that they don't hang round you like aggravated wasps, and sting +you into that appreciation of the fitness of things whereby some razor +may be slipped across your wizzen, and Paris follow your corse to the +_Pere la Chaise_ with joy and gladness? Why, in the name of all the +torments--" + +I stopped for want of breath, in time to see that the crowd paid no +attention, and that, to say the least of it, I had been making an ass of +myself. Not that there was no wisdom in my words, but these Frenchmen +are the most "dog gorned" insensible people to right up and down, plain, +everyday gospel truth that Providence ever permitted to play checkers +with Destiny. I had no hankering for a closer interview with FLOURENS. +He and I could never had got at a basis peace. There is no harmony in +the method of our mental "jointings." I would have given "stamps" to +have got his head under a quiet village pump, but I wouldn't have +undertaken to reason with him for all the gold of the Credit Mobilier. +There is another creamy idiot, trying his "level best" to smash things +here. Look at him! JULES VALLES! a patriot by name and a Pat-rioter by +nature, with enough hair on his head to stuff a gabion, and not sense +enough beneath it to accommodate a well-informed parrot. These fellows +call FAVRE a "milk-sop," and the trouble of it is that FAYRE +occasionally gives them reason for doing so. Strolling through the +_Passage des Princes_ this morning, I saw TROCHU and accosted him. +"General," I said, probably with some trifling vindictiveness in my +heart, "isn't there a grease vat in Paris sufficiently large to boil +down Monsieur FLOURENS and his friends?" He might have thought that I +was a little overheated, or that some of the _Grand Cafe_ "tangle-foot" +had got into my head; but his looks undeniably indicated that he did not +regard this as an unusually _cool_ proposal. He simply said, "Oh my!" in +tolerably good English, and then I continued: + +"You mistake me, General. I was not born in New Zealand. There is +nothing of the cannibal about me, and I trust the supply of provisions +in Paris won't compel us to eat each other just yet; but if there is no +satisfaction for the stomach in putting a tun or two of boiling fat +around GUSTAVE FLOURENS, can you think of anything better calculated to +produce serenity in the public mind?" + +He didn't answer me then. It couldn't be expected, perhaps; but I am +still of the impression that this conundrum is gradually working towards +a solution in the brain of the Commander-in-Chief. I hope it don't lay +heavily there; I wouldn't do anything to distress him. If GOLDWIN SMITH +were expounding political economy to him in one ear, and HORACE GREELEY +talking agriculture in the other, the poor man couldn't be more bothered +than he is. No, no; far be it from me to add one harrowing burden to his +already heavy load; but when a man sees the porter-house steak of +Liberty a burning up on the grid-iron of war, why shouldn't he put forth +his "flipper" and save it if he can? And there's another conundrum: but +it's for PUNCHINELLO and his hemisphere of adorers. + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +A GOOD BAR-GAIN SUGGESTED. + +The suggestion for purifying the New York Bar by classifying its tenders +is a good one and should be acted upon. As it is now, the justice there +dispensed is so mixed and doctored that it satisfies only the vitiated +taste of the roughs. The proceedings in the McFARLAND and JACKSON case +show that swagger, not study--bullying, not brains, are in a fair way to +become the important qualifications of a counsel. The lawyers should +organize in their own defence and classify themselves. Mr. PUNCHINELLO +suggests the following method as the simplest and probably the most +effective in its application to matters of legal digestion. Let there be +two classes made, the one to embrace the well-bred, and the other the +GRAHAM bred practitioners. + + * * * * * + +THE SPORT AT WASHINGTON.--Fighting COX. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS + +"O What a wretched smell of orange-peel and sawdust!" says MARGARET to me, +as we enter the gateway of the CIRCUS. Wretched! Why of all perfumes, +next to that of the clover and the new-mown hay, it is the most +delicious. For it brings back to us the days of our innocent childhood, +when we stole unlawful pennies to pay for admission to the charmed +circle of equestrian delights, and in youthful purity of soul, and +general dirtiness of face and hands, listened to the ingenious +witticisms of the clown, while we cracked the peaceful peanut, and +shared the social gingerbread. + +Childlike innocence is a phrase that must originally have been applied +exclusively to girls. Obviously it is sheer nonsense as applied to boys. +Who ever saw an innocent boy, especially in a place of amusement? Are +they not, one and all, given to untimely hunger, and addicted to +undesirable methods of assuaging its pangs? Are they not prone to +perpetual colds in the head, accompanied by loud and labored breathing, +and rarely mitigated by the judicious use of pocket-handkerchiefs? Do +they not indulge in a vicious and wholly unpardonable wealth of muddy +boots, wherewith to trample upon their unoffending neighbors? Are they +not as prone to bad language as the _Tribune,_ and as noisy and noisome +as the _Sun_ itself? In short, are they not always and altogether the +most oppressive nuisance that can annoy the peaceful pleasure-seeker? +Echo answers that there isn't the smallest possible doubt of it. Why, +then, do we foolishly speak of innocent boyhood? + +Girls, on the other hand, may be innocent,--that is to say, when they +are extremely young. Of course they outgrow it when they arrive at years +of flirtation; but up to--say--their tenth or eleventh year, they rarely +go in for muddy boots and inappropriate peanuts,--at least not to the +same extent as boys. The average little girl is, moreover, seldom found +at the CIRCUS. She prefers WALLACK'S, or BOOTH'S theatre,--whereas your +usual boy despises the legitimate drama, and prefers to have his +dissipations served up with a great deal of horse and plentifully spiced +with the presence of the cheerful clown. For my part, I frankly confess +that I do not like boys, and heartily approve of the noble sentiment +expressed the other day by my landlady, who, on reading that the +Parisians had destroyed the Bois de Boulogne, remarked that, "Even if +the French couldn't spell 'boys' properly, she was glad to see that they +knew how to treat them." Pardon the errors of her pronunciation. She +learned French at a young ladies' seminary. + +But I digress. It is a reprehensible habit. It is much better, as a +rule, to die game than it is to digress, though on the present occasion +there is no reason why I should do either. By the way, if a man has to +choose between having either his leg or his arm amputated, which ought +he to choose? Obviously he should choose ether,--that being much safer +than chloroform. + +As I was saying, the CIRCUS always has a strong flavor of orange peel. +Will some one explain why orange-peel has such a close affinity for +horses and sawdust? I have attempted to account for it by an elaborate +stretching of the theory of chemical affinities. People crack peanuts at +the CIRCUS, because the cracking of peanuts in its prosaic dreariness is +in harmony with the cracking of jokes by the dreary clown. The clown +himself is always hoarse, obviously because of his intimate association +with the feats of horsemanship. Here are two cases in which the theory +of affinities clearly applies. Now, can we not go further, and find some +connection between the ring of the Circus and the peel of the orange? Or +again, may not the presence of unwholesome animals in the arena have +something to do with the presence of orange-rind in the seats? The +latter is clearly a rind-pest of the very worst variety. + +At this rate we shall never get inside the _Circus_ building. So say +MARGARET; and I therefore cease my philosophical remarks, which have so +strongly impressed the doorkeeper that he has finally beckoned to a +policeman to come and listen to them. Up the steep stairs we hasten, and +are put into a reserved pen, where we watch the glory of motley and the +glitter of spangles in the ring below. + +A terrific feat of horsemanship is in progress. A daring rider, mounted +on a broad platform, which is borne on the back of a placid horse, is +carried on a slow canter around the ring. He evidently impersonates a +member of the horse marines, for he executes elaborate imitations of +pulling ropes, reefing and furling sails. Probably the horse marines +reef topsails on horseback. In the absence of opposing testimony we +accept his theory, and are greatly pleased to find that the equestrian +sailor finally escapes being wrecked on the lower row of benches, and so +meeting a watery grave among the sawdust, while his horse slowly +founders beneath him. + +I remark to MARGARET, while this daring act of marine horsemanship in +progress, that "I hope the horse won't founder"--meaning to pun on the +latter word. + +But I am overheard by a horsey person in the neighborhood, who replies, +"That horse hain't got a symptom of foundering. LENT keeps his horses in +too good condition for that." + +And I to him, in a light and jocose manner--"LENT keeps them so well fed +that they never keep Lent themselves, I suppose." + +But the horsey person does not see my joke,--thus proving that he shares +a dulness of perception that I have too often noticed, even among my +friends. So I mercifully give him one more chance and say: "I suppose +Mr. LENT keeps all the fast horses, so that they never have to keep fast +themselves." But he gruffly answers, "You think yourself smart, don't +you? You ain't, though, and you'd better keep yourself mighty quiet." I +agree with him in the latter opinion, and relapse into a dignified +silence. + +Presently the "Antipodal Brothers" begin their fraternal gymnastics. I +again feel the spirit of speculation strong within me, and say to +MARGARET, "Why are gymnasts always born in couples? Why couldn't the +Antipodal Cousins, or the Antipodal Relations by Marriage, break their +necks together with as much effect as though they were brothers? Does +the fraternal supply of brotherly gymnastics exist in consequence of a +presumed demand for the article by the public? If so, why does the +public make such demand?" + +And she answers, "It is a mystery. Seek not to penetrate it. That way +madness lies." + +Here a conundrum obtrudes itself upon me, and I ask, "Suppose Gen. TERRY +had a daughter, why would she necessarily be a delightful puzzle? +Obviously because she would be a Miss TERRY." + +But the horsey person turns round and says, "If you want a head put on +you, just keep on talking; so that folks can't hear the brothers turn a +somersault. You'll be accommodated; do you understand?" + +I accept his general hint, and watch the somersaulting pair. What an +editor the elder brother would make! He could turn as sudden and perfect +a somersault as did Mr. DANA, when he transformed the _Sun_ in a single +night from a decent daily to what it now is. Or what a politician the +younger brother might become, were he to exhibit in the arena of public +life the agility in turning flip-flaps, and reversing himself by +unexpectedly standing on his head, which he displays in the CIRCUS ring. +Then the famous equestrienne--or rideress, as WEBSTER would probably +call her--careers around the circle on her thoroughbred Alaskian steed: +she is evidently a great favorite, and the small boy behind me exclaims, +with an ecstatic kick at the back of my neck: "Isn't this bully?" + +I venture to correct him by remarking: "My son, you should say 'horsey.' +You would thereby avoid confounding the noble animals before you with +the no less useful, but undeniably less attractive--in an aesthetic +point of view--animals which belong to the bovine race." + +He is evidently overcome by my flow of language, and he asks, with a +feeble show of independence: "You ain't hungry, are you?" + +I say to myself: "Kind-hearted little fellow. He is grateful for my +reproof, and proposes to reward me with peanuts." So I kindly reply: +"No, my child, I am not hungry; why do you ask?" + +"Because," answers the young villain, "I thought you couldn't be, after +having histed in a whole big dictionary." + +I turn abruptly to MARGARET and say: "Come, my dear"--(she is my maiden +aunt, and I use the language of affection and respect to her)--"let us +go. This thing is only fit for children. We'll go over to WALLACK'S and +see an old comedy." + +She rises reluctantly; but as we emerge into Fourteenth street, she +says: "The CIRCUS is one of the nicest places in town, and I like it a +million times better than I do your stupid old comedies." + +The curious circumstance in connection with this remark is, that +MARGARET is nearly always right. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--Some months ago, a friend of mine requested me to +write him up descriptions for a set of panoramic views, which he had +purchased at a low figure at auction, and which he proposed to exhibit +through the country. The "Professor" who was engaged to travel with him, +it seems, was highly gifted so far as good clothes, a fine head of hair, +and a sweet expression, were concerned. He could also play rudimentary +music upon the flute. But he couldn't handle his mother tongue glibly +enough to accompany the scenes in first class showman style. + +Having the subjects given me, but without seeing a foot of the canvas, I +knocked off a few remarks, which I aimed to render as appropriate as +circumstances, and no regard whatever for the truth, would permit. The +"Professor" was to commit them to memory, with the usual gestures, as he +flourished his pointing-stick; he was to twirl his moustache, manoeuvre +his pocket handkerchief, and occasionally resort to a glass of +water,--and I am told he recites with great abandon. + +Some of PUNCHINELLO'S readers may not enjoy the privilege of seeing the +"Panoramic Cosmos." For their special benefit I am allowed to append a +portion of the narration. They will observe that the back towns are +indeed fortunate to obtain at a moderate price so rare an intellectual +treat. + +Yours, + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +PART I. + +LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:--We are proud to have the honor of appearing +before you with our series of unrivalled paintings. Inferior exhibitions +boast of the extent of their canvas: ours is literally endless. Like Mr. +BROOKS' TENNYSON (I beg pardon,--Mr. TENNYSON'S BROOK), it "runs on +forever." It embraces every variety of landscape, waterscape, and, in +the crowded halls of our large cities, a new patent fire-escape. + +Everywhere we have met with unparalleled success. We have appeared +before the crowned heads of Europe, and the woolly heads of Charleston +and Savannah,--the verdict of praise is unanimous. Purchasing our oil +and varnish at wholesale prices, we defy competition. While we have +given orders to our artists to furnish the most brilliant colors and +gorgeous imagination that the market affords, there is nothing here +(except, perhaps, myself) to offend the most fastidious. + +Our aim is high, but combined with a price that is unquestionably low; +we strive to elevate and instruct the people, at twenty-five cents a +head (or packages of five tickets for one dollar), and inspire a love +for the pure and beautiful in art, with a liberal discount to Sunday and +day schools. + +As the audience sit spell-bound (no extra charge for reserved seats) +before one grand conception of the artist's pencil,--lost in +admiration--another glides noiselessly into view; the eye is gratified, +the brain is refreshed, the digestion stimulated, and we all breathe +easier. + +This alone is worth double the price of admission. + +But not to detain you longer on the threshold, I will ring up the +curtain, and travel with you in this varied journey. + +THE GIANTS' CAUSEWAY. + +This stupendous structure is agreeably located on the coast of Ireland, +where the waves are ever beating, and the stormy winds do blow. These +pillars, grottoes, and colonnades strike the beholder with awe. They +have resulted from some grand convulsion of Nature; rocked in the cradle +of the deep, as things seem to be here. + +It is not yet decided whether they belong to the pre-Raphaelite or the +pre-Adamite period. + +As the spectator gazes spell-bound on this scene of grandeur, he almost +fancies that he hears the surges beating heavily at the base of these +grim rocks. (This is effected by costly machinery, concealed behind the +canvas.) + +These columns have probably been standing here for centuries. At least +that is my opinion. + +I propose it to this scientific audience with great humility. + +By this I mean that the great HUGH MILLER thinks as I do. + +He must be a bold man to contradict such authority. + +This, however, is a boulder! + +JUAN FERNANDEZ, + +An island in the Pacific. It is called an island, as it is entirely +surrounded by water. It is famous as the residence of ROBINSON CRUSOE, +who, to avoid taxation in his native land, lived here in great +retirement. He had a faithful servant, FRIDAY, whom he enjoyed as much +as one of these boys here does Saturday afternoon. + +There is quite a local look to this view, which renders it valuable to +the enthusiastic student of geography. + +Ships sometimes stop here. Our artist's ship stopped fifteen minutes, +thus giving him ample time for this spirited and life-like +representation. + + * * * * * + +"DE TEA FABULA NARRATUR." + +The women have embarked in the tea business. Tea at net prices is to be +one of the chief tenets of the woman's rights party. The middle men now +engaged in the business are all to be abolished. All the women lecturers +are to become tea-totallers, and go before their audiences laden with +packages for sale, in lots to suit, for cash. Intimations of all this we +gather from the recent news from Japan, where the agent of the Woman's +Tea Company, who has undertaken this reformation, has arrived, and been +interviewed, on her way to secure the stock. But really, if the women do +manage to give us our tea at a reasonable rate, we will buy it gladly, +even though, perhaps, we should be forced to attend the lectures in +order to obtain it. It is an ill wind which blows nobody good, even +though the tempest originates in a tea-pot. + + * * * * * + +The Spanish Question Settled. + +AUNT BATHSHEBA'S mind is very chaotic as regards the throne of Spain. +She heard them talking about D'AOSTA for the situation, and says:-- + +"A Oyster sit upon the Spanish throne, my dear!--ay, ay--it just serves +the Spanish right. They was always in a Stew, and is the most +Shellfishest of people as crawls the earth!" + + * * * * * + +Anomalous. + +A despatch announces that the Pope is about leaving Rome. As nothing is +said with regard to his Holiness's particular destination, however, it +seems as though he were about _going_ to Roam. + + * * * * * + +From Our Special Cockney. + +If, as the _Tribune_ says, this is an "off year" with the Republicans, +shouldn't they be satisfied with an 'OFFMAN for Governor? + + * * * * * + +Interesting to the Public. + +There is a new envelope machine now in use in the Post-Office Department +at Washington, which will dispense with the use of TOOL(E)S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRACTICAL (?) SUGGESTION. + +_Big Man to Little One_. "NOW THEN, HOSKINS, DON'T GO INTO COURT ABOUT +THIS MATTER, AND HAVE ALL YOUR WASH BILLS READ OUT BY THE LAWYERS. JUST +CATCH THE RASCAL AND GIVE HIM A GOOD SQUARE LICKING."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration "BUSINESS FIRST." + +_John Bull._ "GOT ALL THE ARMS YOU WANT?--ALL THE AMMUNITION?--ALL THE +COAL?" + +_France._ "YES, ALL." + +_J.B._ "AND YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING MORE FROM ME?" + +_France._ "NO." + +_J.B._ "THEN I THINK IT IS TIME FOR ME TO INTERFERE."] + + * * * * * + +SPIFFKINS. + +MR. SPIFFKINS was a reporter upon a daily newspaper. The reader is +particularly requested to bear in mind that SPIFFKINS'S paper was a +_daily,_ not a nightly one. MR. SPIFFKINS had never written a line +which, dying, he would wish to blot. In fact his "copy" was always +clean, and he used to say, since it was so easy to write a line over +again, where was the use in blotting it! The specific department that +Mr. SPIFFKINS attended to was "interviewing." Mr. SPIFFKINS chose this +department on account of having been born a gentleman, and of having +always moved in the very best society. Interviewing brought him into +contact with all sorts of distinguished people, with whom he immediately +made himself at home. On one occasion he made himself so completely at +home that the gentleman whom he was visiting considerately pointed out +the mistake, and then SPIFFKINS suddenly remembered the distinction. Mr. +SPIFFKINS was a man of great delicacy of feeling and keen sense of +honor. One day a man cut his throat from ear to ear because his +boarding-house-keeper would put ham into the hash. The brother of the +man called upon SPIFFKINS and requested him as a favor to keep the thing +out of his newspaper, as all the other journals had promised to do so. +SPIFFKINS gave the required promise, and the next day SPIFFKINS'S paper +was the only one that had mention of the suicide. But then SPIFFKINS had +no intention of hurting the suicide's family's feelings. Not by any +means. His only aim was to beat the other newspapers and to serve his +employers. SPIFFKINS wrote pure English, his style--like that of other +reporters--being noticeable for its elegance and perspicuity. Thus, +whenever SPIFFKINS had occasion to use the word "memories," he +invariably said "memories of the past," and by this means made it plain +that he meant no reference whatever to the memories of the future. The +force, originality, and beauty of his epithets were remarkable. In his +local reports suicides were always "determined" suicides, and their acts +were always "rash" acts. Among purists in the use of words the +employment of these adjectives has always been considered a delightful +and legitimate mode of discriminating between people who kill themselves +precipitately and those who use a considerable amount of caution, and +(so to speak) apply strychnine with one hand and the stomach-pump with +the other. SPIFFKINS used to report fires, murders, and police doings +generally in a quiet and genteel manner, and by the Superintendent of +Police he was as much beloved for the goodness of his heart as he was by +the city editor for the goodness of his grammar. Once upon a time +SPIFFKINS had the opportunity of trying his hand at dramatic criticism, +and adopted a startlingly new system, which consisted simply in telling +the truth. The consequence was that his newspaper obtained a great +reputation for high moral tone, and lost all its theatrical +advertisements. Even when SPIFFKINS wrote an original American comedy of +"contemporaneous human interest" (and which had had a previous run in +Paris of five thousand nights), and that comedy was brilliantly rejected +by a manager, SPIFFKINS never went back on his system of telling the +truth. Weaker critics would have let up on that manager lest it should +be thought that they abused him because he refused their plays. But not +so with SPIFFKINS. _His_ moral courage was too heroic to resort to so +mean a subterfuge as that, and to this day that manager believes that +the reason SPIFFKINS abused him is because he refused his play! +Sometimes SPIFFKINS threw a little light on subjects that were generally +misunderstood. For instance, he said that NILSSON was a "charming +mezzo-soprano," and declared that "RIP VAN WINKLE" was a more delightful +translation from the French than had been seen for many a day. +Occasionally SPIFFKINS eked out his salary by writing letters to the +provincial press. In this respect he was invaluable, because his letters +contained, about things in New York, information which never appeared in +the New York papers; so that when a Philadelphia family takes the +newspaper which SPIFFKINS corresponds with, that family is fully posted +upon everything which might just as well have happened here as not. +SPIFFKINS is too real a gentleman at heart to be much of one in +appearance. If his boots and manners are equally unpolished, I know that +his heart is in the right place--just where his pocket-book is; and if +his linen is dirty and his face unshorn, I feel certain that his soul is +clad in immaculate spiritual lawn, and that his better nature is shaved +close. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MODERN "OLD KING COLE." + + He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl, + And he called for his Fiddlers three, + Von BISMARK, Von MOLKIE and Von ROON, + For a merry old monarch was he. +] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN TO H. WARD BEECHER. + +The "Lait Gustice's" Advice to the Brooklyn Divine. + +SKEENSBORO, Nye onto Varmont. + +MY KLERGICAL FRIEND--Feelin it my duty to encourage a man when he +strikes the rite gait, I seize the goose-quil to set down and scratch +off a letter to you. I've heard you preach, and, to do the square thing, +I am constrained to say you've got talents into you, on which to bild a +first-class Dominy. My advice is, to let your talents sintilate; don't +undertake to hide 'em under a bushel of peanuts. Let 'em blaze, friend +B.--let 'em blaze. + +I dident notiss any bill-boards hangin about your mouth, savin as how +"Rooms was to let in your sky-lofts;" but contrary wise, it's my opinion +there haint a tenement house in New York which is packed fuller of +people than your figger-head is of slap-up idees. You haint afeard to +stand out baldly and face the sea of upturned red maskaline noses, or +hily-frizzled, gorgeously-got-up femilines, and skatter Fiseology rite +and left, not carin a pickaune who's hit or who haint. + +A man who scores up as you do, is bound to win in the long run, if he +only keeps his eyes about him, and don't undertake to go it blind. + +Yoove got a futer ahead of you bigger'n a meetin-house. Keep ploddin +along in the evening tender of your way, and I predict you'l ocupy a +front rank among the clergy. + +I, the lait Gustise, which has served his country for 4 yeer as Gustise +of the Peece, tells you so; and havin asshiated with a good many big +guns in my day, my profetic vision is as clear as Rine wine. + +You haint much like a preacher I once useter sleep under. + +We called him OLD CLOROFORM. His sermons were dredful soothin to take. + +Old Mother WINSLOW couldent play 2nd fiddle to his preachin, and her +sirop is better'n a club to put children to sleep. Why, friend BEECHER, +that ere minnister was warranted to talk a squallin young one to sleep +in 30 seconds. + +When our Doctors had a leg to saw off, they always sent for Dominy +CLOROFORM to put the patient to sleep. + +He dident preach "Rest for the weary" without practisin what he +preached, by makin his weary congregation rest like kittens. + +But the old man has been scooped in, and our drug store has gone up on +cloroform. + +His last words were:-- + +"Sweet sleepers, I go. I'le drug no more." And beneath the mirtle, the +Canada thistle, and the gooseberry-bush he rests, with the follerin +epitaff on his tombstun:-- + + Hee's gone to rest, don't wake him up, + His labors heer are ore; + He useter preach fokes fast to sleep, + Who entered his church-door. + +Minnisters, in gettin hold of the public heart, resort to different +ways. + +Some of 'em make love to the pretty little lambs of their flox of the +femail persuasion. + +Others indulge freely in gin and milk, and get boozy, while agin some +others histe in mug after mug of lager beer, and then lay in with some +Bohemian to rite 'em up. + +This gives 'em a popularity which $500 worth of paid-for advertisements +wouldent bring 'em. And their church stock goes up to 200 per cent. +above par. Big crowds rush to hear the guzzlin divine extort. And, sir! +before you know it, that preacher is richer'n mud, and just as likely as +not, owns stock in a race-course or a lager-bier brewery. Thus, as +SHAKSPEER says:-- + + "Their is a course somewhere which shapes + Our latter ends, ruff hue 'em + As we will. The only truble is to + Find that course--and freeze to it." + +But, Master B., don't imitate any of them ere stiles. + +You soot me as you are. + +You hain't one of them chaps, who believes that if a man wants to be +good, he must draw down his face, and look as if he had been fetched up +on chow-chow and cider vinegar. + +Long faces don't make good fokes, which reminds me that _fine feathers_ +don't allers make fine birds, especcially if it's a broiled chicken full +of _fine pin feathers_. + +I notiss that in your sermons you handle polerticians and bizziness men +without gloves. + +Between you and I, some of them store keepers and eatin house chaps on +Broadway, N.Y., go on the principle--give as little as they can, for as +much as they can squeeze out of their customers. + +Up to DELMONICO'S you can buy an apple dumplin for $3.00, and 25 cents +extra for a tooth-pick, while at some other places it costs a man 1/2 a +dollar to poke his head into a store door. + +I went into an ice cream saloon on B'way last time I was in N.Y. + +They asked me 50 cents for a plate of ice cream. + +When I was leavin, the proprieter accused me of stealin his dish. + +I indignantly scorned his vile insineration. + +Next mornin, I was pickin out a holler tooth, when sumthing hard struck +my tooth-pick. + +I pulled out my jack-nife, and dug it out. To my cerprise, the missin +dish came forth, which had been wedged into the cavity beneath a 75 cent +piece of pie. + +I notiss you draw big houses. + +Outsiders grumble some, because they can't go into your church and take +the best seats, and crowd out regular pew-holders. + +Let em grumble. I allers found out that when a man is gettin up in the +world, that, like carrion crows hoverin over a sick animal, grumblers +fly about him, lickin their chops and watchin a good opportunity to +scratch him ragged. + +When you git off joaks and set your congregation to laffin, don't it +make you feel scrumpshus? + +As a _Klergical humorist_, there is stamps in you. + +But Ive writ more'n I expected when I sot down. + +It would delite me and Mrs. GREEN to have you and your good woman pay us +a visit. + +If you'l come, drop us a line, and we'l open the front parler and invite +in a few first families to give you a lively time. + +I'l have a coat of white-wash put onto the bed-room walls. White-wash +makes a sleepin-room smell sweet. Besides it makes bugs dust in a hurry. +My old woman is a sweet white-washer. I'de bet odds, that MARIAR can get +over more territory, with a white-wash brush, than the smartest +committee of congresses ever appinted to cover up some dark transaction. + +Hopin these few lines will find you in apple-pie order, and able to +indulge in numerous frugal meals of hash etc., Ile now say _Adux_, + +Ewers, Litterarily, HIRAM GREEN, ESQ., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + * * * * * + +The Extreme or Fashion. + +It is announced by journals devoted to fashion, that trains are to be +worn even longer during the coming winter than they have yet been. +Coincidental with this, is the announcement made by sundry papers that +"a piece of calico a mile long has been manufactured in New England." +The Miss who gets this for a train will be as good as a Mile, and such +is the length, dear boys and girls, to which fashion may be carried. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +"AT THE LAST _Bal Masque_ ON THE AVENUE. A DISTINGUISHED SOUTHERN +GENTLEMAN CREATED MUCH AMUSEMENT COSTUMED AS 'RECONSTRUCTION.'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. BROWN HAS BEEN RECOMMENDED BY A FRIEND TO HAVE A +LITTLE GLYCERINE DROPPED INTO HIS EAR FOR DEAFNESS. BY MISTAKE HE +PURCHASES NITRO-GLYCERINE. RESULT.] + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO XII. + + Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross, + To see an old woman ride on a white horse. + Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, + She shall have music wherever she goes. + +The above verse commemorates an epoch in the Poet's lifetime. He went to +the Circus. A noteworthy event, when it is considered how few Circuses +there were in those days, and how seldom those few came near enough to +disturb the calm of an out-of-the-way country village. Such a thing had +never occurred before in his lifetime, nor within the memory of the +oldest inhabitant. All were therefore properly impressed with the +importance of the occurrence, and none more so than the excitable, +impressible, enthusiastic Poet. For days before the one appointed to +make the journey to the Market Town, he was in a great state of +excitement and hilarious pleasure, and with difficulty controlled his +inclinations to laugh, dance, and sing, and otherwise gayly disport +himself. The exuberance of his spirits caused no little alarm to his +family, who feared he was going mad with delight, and endeavored in +every possible way to quiet down the dangerous symptoms. + + "In vain did his mother command him to stop: + He only laughed louder and higher did hop;" + +till at last, fearing the torrent could never be stemmed, she thought to +direct it in a less dangerous channel. + +So, putting on her most insinuating expression she asked, "Why don't you +write a piece about the Circus? It might be real nice. Tell all about +the beautiful young lady on horseback, and the music, and the ride over +to Banbury, and everything you can think about. Come now, that's a good +boy; go and do that for your mother." + +The deceived youth stared in amazement at the request. Such a thing had +never been heard before under that humble roof-tree. His own mother +actually telling him to write some poetry. Incredible! Instead of +laughing, and snubbing him as she usually did, positively telling him to +do the very thing she had so often forbidden,--the very thing he had +always been obliged to do under so many discouragements. The thought +took away his breath. That his talent was at length recognized by his +family was a matter of rejoicing, and springing up with a cheerful cry, +"I'll do it," he bounded up the back-kitchen stairs, and was soon lost +to sight amid the cobwebs of time. + +The provident old lady, with a knowing look and sagacious shake of the +head, said, "He's safe for awhile, thank Heaven; now let us have peace." + +Let us follow the poet up-stairs and peep into that attic chamber. The +sanctum sanctorum of the writer. The visiting-place of the Muses. The +stable of Pegasus. There, in one corner, is a little cot bed, with a +single pillow, showing at once a privileged member of the family; near +its head an ancient wash-stand and a tin wash-basin, and by its side a +pail of water, with a tin dipper reposing quietly on its surface. +Nothing unnecessary, everything useful. By the window stands a square +pine table, spotted and streaked with ink, to match the floor, which +resembles in a homely way MARK TWAIN'S map of Paris on an enlarged +scale. Before that table, his head resting on his hands, his eyes +glaring on the paper, sits the immortal Bard whose lightest words were +to be remembered long after his name was forgotten. + +The first in order of events in the journey to the Market Town. The +arrangements have all been made. He and TOM are to ride the horse, while +his mother and DICK ride the mare. There is no use telling the world all +the particulars, so he simply writes:-- + + "Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross." + +He doesn't care to mention that two intend to ride the cock horse. If +the world chooses to think only one rides him, let them think so. He +will write ambiguously if he wants to; there is no law to prevent him +from doing so. + +"Now what is to be seen after getting there? His mother said a beautiful +lady on horseback, and splendid music. But that cannot be. What! a +beautiful young lady ride in public on horseback? She wouldn't do such a +thing. He knows too much for that. It must be some old woman; and he +writes accordingly:-- + + "To see an old woman ride on a white horse." + +She is to be gayly dressed, he has heard, and loaded with diamond rings; +but how about the music? Probably she has bells on her toes; at least he +will put it so, and then adds;-- + + "Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes." + +He thinks awhile longer. He sees in imagination the venerable old dame +riding around on the white horse, gayly dressed and bespangled, the +rings glistening, the bells ringing, and his sensitive soul fancies it +hears the wonderful music, and he knows that ever and ever, so long as +she rides, + + "She will have music wherever she goes." + +He has become enraptured with the glowing vision, and now, as he lays +down his pen his eyes flash and his cheeks burn with poetic fire. How +happy his mother will be to hear the result of his afternoon's labor! +Rejoicing he descends, taking with him the precious verse, and proudly +begins to read it to his appreciative audience. Falteringly he +commences, but, warming with the subject, his spirits rise, till at the +last line he triumphantly waves the paper over his head, looks around +for applause, and sees----his mother lying on the floor in a dead faint. + + * * * * * + +Pen and Sword. + +"War to the knife!" is the cry of the Paris _Siecle_. This is merely a +cry from a Pen-knife, of course; but then it is sure to be heard by the +Butcher-knife. + + * * * * * + +Nurse Wanted. + +We understand that there will shortly be a "Birth" at WALLACK'S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BAD LOOK OUT. + +_Paterfamilias (reading)._ "IT APPEARS FROM THIS PAPER THAT TURKEY IS +LIKELY TO BE ENTIRELY GOBBLED UP BY RUSSIA." + +_Alitmentive Youth._ "THEN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THANKSGIVING +DAY?"] + + * * * * * + +ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN. + +A THRILLING TALE. + +WITH EXPLANATORY NOTES. + +CHAPTER I. + +_Once._--In serious literature you cannot be too exact. You will notice +that I say once, not twice or thrice, and you will find that that is a +very important point at once. Thus, you might put your hand under a +trip-hammer once, but not twice. You might take a trip on a Mississippi +steamer, or an Erie train, once. You might go to the Legislature or +Congress and be honest once. You might get a seat in a horse-car once. +You might be civilly treated by a public official once. You might lend +an umbrella, or indulge in the luxury of a lawsuit, or persuade your +better half that you are only tired when you are really beery, once; +but, I assure you, that your chance of doing any of those things twice +is decidedly slim. If you do any of them once and don't find yourself in +Greenwood, the alms-house, or matrimonial hot water, retire on your +laurels and let out the job. + + +CHAPTER II. + +_Upon a time._--This is not a fairy tale, though it opens in a very +suspicious manner. It is a sad recital of facts. Upon a time does not +mean that any one sat down on a watch, or made himself familiar with the +town clock. It is not very specific, I admit. It may refer to any time, +but, I think, the design was to call attention to Benedict's time. You +know how it is yourself. You remember how often you have stood on a +dock, and seen the steamboat ten feet out in the stream, or have struck +a depot just as the train was rolling around a curve in the distance, +simply because you were not upon a time. Then, as you walked on the dock +or platform, you would strew your pathway with--curses. But I do not +mean anything of that sort. No, I refer to something grander, nobler, +more magnificent. + + +CHAPTER III. + +_There was._--Here's explicitness! Here's directness! Here's +explanatoryness! In my pap days I learned that without a verb there +could not be a sentence, not even a judge's sentence. I know "was" ain't +much of a word all alone by itself, but then chuck it in among a lot of +other fellows, and how it does make them stand around. And then it's so +deliciously incomprehensible--there was. Mind you, it don't say that the +same thing isn't now. And, mind you, it don't say whether it refers to +the day before yesterday, or the commencement of the Franco-Prussian +opera bouffe, or our late unpleasantness, or the beginning of the world, +or before that. No, it can't go back of the beginning, for before that +there wasn't. Anyhow, it leaves you in such a pleasant state of +uncertainty that you very willingly pass on to. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +_A man._--Here we arrive at something specific. "A two-legged animal, +who laughs." That definition excludes women, because they giggle, or +chuckle, or cachinnate. This expression is a very general one; it +includes a vast number of individuals. It even takes in tailors, for, by +a wise provision of Providence, the number of tailors in this world at +any one time is always a multiple of nine; so that you can point to any +nine of them and boldly say, a man. I am not sure that this term does +not include gorillas, for, by a wise provision of Congress, they can at +any time be made men and brethren. One advantage about the subject of +this chapter is this: it is never necessary to put a head on it, as it +is generally furnished with that appendage by nature. + +So endeth this thrilling tale. A sequel to it will be published in the +early part of the next century, entitled, + +"THERE WAS ONCE A TIME UPON A MAN." + + * * * * * + +HORSE-CAR HUMBUGS. + +The Horse-Car is an omnivorous animal, though its chief diet is garbage, +as our sense of smell has often proved to us. + +The "people's coach" it has been called, but in misery's name, I ask, +must the whole public crowd into one coach? Yesterday, after I had +waited for a car the best part of the forenoon, it came crawling along +at snail-like pace, the horses fast asleep, and the driver gazing +vacantly into space, thoroughly exhausted in endeavors to wake them up. + +I entered, and was thrust into one of two congealed rows of mortality, +which faced each other from opposite benches. + +Then the people filled the passage; they crowded it to suffocation; they +piled on to the platforms in battalions; six wretches depended from the +hind brake; others were suspended from the top of the car, with hands +and feet thrust through the leathers, and two actually balanced +themselves around the driver's neck. + +Fearful moans arose from the enormous mass of condensed humanity; people +panted for breath; they gasped, and rolled their eyes in horrible +frenzy, and still the conductor yelled fiercely, and with demoniac +leer:-- + + And thus his Voice rang through the stifling air, + "Plenty of room in front, move forward, there!" + +It was raining; parasols leaked into my shoes, soaking water-proofs +embraced me, and monstrous brogans crushed my feet to chaos; then, +umbrellas punched my eyes, out, jabbed holes in my hat, and wrote +hieroglyphics all over my shirt bosom, while baskets of meat were +deposited in my lap, and the intruding tail of a codfish roughly slapped +my face a dozen times. + +In short, I emerged from that car ruined, wilted, and utterly +demoralized. + +When I got home my wife didn't know me, and I could only prove my +identity by carefully scraping my feet, hanging up my hat, and otherwise +exhibiting the results of her superior disciplinary powers. My hardest +work, however, was to establish the fact that I hadn't been rolled in +the gutter, my rheumatic hobble, dilapidated aspect, and blood-shot eyes +telling fearfully against me. + +The next time I ride in a horse-car, I shall take a private hack. + +S.R. DEEN. + + * * * * * + +A Con of the Period. + +When this cruel war is over, and crowds of tourists rush to see the +place where LOUIS NAPOLEON surrendered, why will that place be like +BRYANT'S Minstrels? + +Because such a lot of people will go to See DAN. + + * * * * * + +Con from Our Correspondent in benighted Africa. + +Why would CAESAR have made a fine novelist? + +Because he was a great Roman--Sir. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAD HIM THERE. + +_Brown._ "BET YOU FIFTY DOLLARS THE WAR IS OVER IN FRANCE IN FIVE DAYS." + +_Smith._ "BET YOU A HUNDRED IT ISN'T." + +_Brown._ "SHELL OUT YOUR HUNDRED--THE WAR IS OVER THERE NOW, ISN'T +IT?--HA! HA! HA!"] + + * * * * * + +LETTER FROM A SCHOOLMASTER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: Respected Sir:--I am a schoolmaster, and in +investigating, for the benefit of my pupils (number limited; English and +classical courses; French and guitar extra; scholars bring their own +slippers and tooth-brushes; privileges of a home, etc., etc.), the vast +arena of Science, applied and unapplied, I have found that there are +many things that the world does not yet know. This may surprise you, but +it is nevertheless true. Through the medium of your valuable journal I +propose to give to the world, to which we all owe so much, a few hints +in regard to the deficiencies of Science, and thus place these, my +carefully nurtured ideas, at the service of my race. + +It is to be presumed that there are but few persons who have not +observed the great benefits of _pruning_ in the vegetable kingdom. He +who sits under the shade of his own vine and fig-tree (or even those +which are leased or rented) will find the shade and the fruit of his +vine and his tree greatly increased by judicious and seasonable pruning. +The theories of Science and the practice of horticulturists have made +this fact so potent that it is needless to enlarge upon it now. But +Science stops here. What she has given the world, in respect to this +important subject, is of far less value than that of which she has +deprived it, by her failure to carry her investigations into the animal +kingdom. With the exception of the docking of horses' tails and the +clipping of the ears of dogs, she has done little or nothing in this +respect, and it is much to be feared that the great benefits of pruning, +as applied to the human race, are denied to the present generation; for +we all know how difficult it is, in the face of the dogged opposition of +the masses, to inaugurate a truly valuable reform. But it is my belief, +and I have carefully studied the subject in all its bearings, that the +crowning gift of Science to Man will be the system of PRUNING FOR +CONSUMPTION. + +When we consider how the strength of a weak and spindling tree is +augmented by the excision of some of its useless branches, we can well +understand that weak and spindling man may be strengthened and +invigorated by the amputation of one or more of his limbs. The sap, or +blood, which was before applied to the support and nourishment of this +excised limb, will now assist in the nourishment of the whole body, and +the man, like the tree, will become vigorous, stout, and healthy. In +proof of this, it is only necessary to consider the condition of those +soldiers, sailors, or civilians who have suffered the amputation of a +leg or arm. How plump and rosy they all appear! Is it not certain, then, +that instead of wasting their time and substance in Cod-liver oil and +trips to Minnesota and Florida, it would be far better for those persons +who may fancy themselves consumptive to repair to their physician's +abode, and request him to trim off an arm, a foot, or a leg, according +to the urgency of their symptoms? And if this first pruning were found +to be insufficient, the individual might be further trimmed until his +form was of a size and extent no greater than his natural forces were +capable of nourishing. When this result was attained, the patient might +expect to grow as vigorous and wholesome as a properly pruned grape-vine +or a dwarf pear-tree. Hoping, respected Sir, that I have made myself +intelligible to yourself and readers, and that Science may take the +valuable hints I have given her, I am + +Yours truly, + +ANDREW SCOGGIN. + + * * * * * + +INCREDIBLE CREDULITY. + +A CABLE despatch from Paris to PUNCHINELLO (cost $8.62) announces that +the editor of La Verite has been sent to a cold and gloomy dungeon +for publishing false news,--a warning to the Sunny CHARLES, our +well-beloved neighbor! But the most mysterious part of the matter is, +that this editorial Frenchman actually published this false news upon +the doubly dubious authority of the Chevalier WICKOFF! Why, this gallant +adventurer is so well known in New York that if he should come into our +sanctum and tell us that we had fallen heirs to a neat fortune of +$500,000, we shouldn't believe him for a moment. + + * * * * * + +A POSITIVE ANALOGY. + +The Positivists of New York, at a recent meeting, passed unanimously a +set of resolutions, in one of which they spoke of King WILLIAM of +Prussia as the modern ATTILA. As an admirer of that fine old barbarian, +Mr. PUNCHINELLO protests against such a slanderous attack upon his +historic reputation. ATTILA and the hordes he led were honest thieves, +who made no hypocritical pretences to virtue in order to hide their real +motives. They were plunderers by profession, and were not ashamed to +openly proclaim it. ATTILA himself, like any high-minded savage of his +crew, would have quickly avenged, as an insult, any attempt to ascribe +to him another motive for his action than the pure and simple desire for +plunder: nor did he and his men pretend to lead the Europe of their day +in any of the branches of thought which go towards making the culture of +any country. The Positivists have great faith in the historic method of +analogy, and they are right in so doing. But in using analogies it is +just as well, if not better, to have them analogies. + + * * * * * + +The Peace In Preparation. + +The new piece which, for the last few weeks, has been announced as in +preparation and shortly to appear in the Puppet Show of the European +Political Theatre has not yet been produced, and the expecting +spectators are asking why! The reason, however, is plain. The wire +pullers have been hard at work, but have been constantly thwarted by +finding that the wires which were effective with the imperial dolls will +have no effect upon the republican figures. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. 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LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | + | of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | | + | PRICE $2. 50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large | + | and small. | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE NEW YORK | + | DAILY DEMOCRAT, | + | JAMES H. LAMBERT, | + | EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR. | + | | + | Publication Office, 166 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + | Democratic in politics, spicy and sharp, and contains all | + | the news of the day fifteen hours in advance of the Morning | + | Papers, and at half-price. | + | | + | THE DEMOCRAT is a first-class advertising medium, with low | + | rates. Special rates for long-time advertisements given upon | + | application to C. P. SYKES, Publisher. | + | | + | Buy the Evening Democrat, | + | PRICE TWO CENTS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies,......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for................. 5.50 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PROFESSOR JAMES DE MILLE, | + | | + | Author of | + | | + | "THE DODGE CLUB" | + | | + | AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS, | + | | + | Will Commence a New Serial | + | | + | IN THE NUMBER OF | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | JANUARY 7th, 1871, | + | | + | Written expressly for this Paper. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., No. 35, +November 26, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 35 *** + +***** This file should be named 10144.txt or 10144.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/1/4/10144/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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