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diff --git a/old/1090.txt b/old/1090.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d23b0dd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1090.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1768 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Bickerstaff-Partridge Papers, by Jonathan Swift + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Bickerstaff-Partridge Papers + +Author: Jonathan Swift + +Posting Date: July 23, 2008 [EBook #1090] +Release Date: November, 1997 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BICKERSTAFF-PARTRIDGE PAPERS *** + + + + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + + + + + +THE BICKERSTAFF-PARTRIDGE PAPERS + +by Jonathan Swift + + +Jonathan Swift, et al. The Bickerstaff-Partridge Papers, etc. Annus +Mirabilis + + + + +Predictions For The Year 1708 + + +Wherein the month, and day of the month are set down, the persons named, +and the great actions and events of next year particularly related, as +will come to pass. + +Written to prevent the people of England from being farther imposed on +by vulgar almanack-makers. + +By Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq. + + +I have long consider'd the gross abuse of astrology in this kingdom, and +upon debating the matter with myself, I could not possibly lay the +fault upon the art, but upon those gross impostors, who set up to be the +artists. I know several learned men have contended that the whole is a +cheat; that it is absurd and ridiculous to imagine, the stars can have +any influence at all upon human actions, thoughts, or inclinations: And +whoever has not bent his studies that way, may be excused for thinking +so, when he sees in how wretched a manner that noble art is treated by +a few mean illiterate traders between us and the stars; who import a +yearly stock of nonsense, lyes, folly, and impertinence, which they +offer to the world as genuine from the planets, tho' they descend from +no greater a height than their own brains. + +I intend in a short time to publish a large and rational defence of this +art, and therefore shall say no more in its justification at present, +than that it hath been in all ages defended by many learned men, and +among the rest by Socrates himself, whom I look upon as undoubtedly the +wisest of uninspir'd mortals: To which if we add, that those who have +condemned this art, though otherwise learned, having been such as either +did not apply their studies this way, or at least did not succeed in +their applications; their testimony will not be of much weight to +its disadvantage, since they are liable to the common objection of +condemning what they did not understand. + +Nor am I at all offended, or think it an injury to the art, when I see +the common dealers in it, the students in astrology, the philomaths, and +the rest of that tribe, treated by wise men with the utmost scorn and +contempt; but rather wonder, when I observe gentlemen in the country, +rich enough to serve the nation in parliament, poring in Partridge's +almanack, to find out the events of the year at home and abroad; not +daring to propose a hunting-match, till Gadbury or he have fixed the +weather. + +I will allow either of the two I have mentioned, or any other of the +fraternity, to be not only astrologers, but conjurers too, if I do not +produce a hundred instances in all their almanacks, to convince any +reasonable man, that they do not so much as understand common grammar +and syntax; that they are not able to spell any word out of the usual +road, nor even in their prefaces write common sense or intelligible +English. Then for their observations and predictions, they are such as +will equally suit any age or country in the world. "This month a certain +great person will be threatened with death or sickness." This the +news-papers will tell them; for there we find at the end of the year, +that no month passes without the death of some person of note; and it +would be hard if it should be otherwise, when there are at least two +thousand persons of not in this kingdom, many of them old, and the +almanack-maker has the liberty of chusing the sickliest season of the +year where he may fix his prediction. Again, "This month an eminent +clergyman will be preferr'd;" of which there may be some hundreds half +of them with one foot in the grave. Then "such a planet in such a house +shews great machinations, plots and conspiracies, that may in time +be brought to light:" After which, if we hear of any discovery, the +astrologer gets the honour; if not, his prediction still stands good. +And at last, "God preserve King William from all his open and secret +enemies, Amen." When if the King should happen to have died, the +astrologer plainly foretold it; otherwise it passes but for the pious +ejaculation of a loyal subject: Though it unluckily happen'd in some of +their almanacks, that poor King William was pray'd for many months after +he was dead, because it fell out that he died about the beginning of the +year. + +To mention no more of their impertinent predictions: What have we to +do with their advertisements about pills and drink for the venereal +disease? Or their mutual quarrels in verse and prose of Whig and Tory, +wherewith the stars have little to do? + +Having long observed and lamented these, and a hundred other abuses of +this art, too tedious to repeat, I resolved to proceed in a new way, +which I doubt not will be to the general satisfaction of the kingdom: +I can this year produce but a specimen of what I design for the future; +having employ'd most part of my time in adjusting and correcting the +calculations I made some years past, because I would offer nothing to +the world of which I am not as fully satisfied, as that I am now +alive. For these two last years I have not failed in above one or two +particulars, and those of no very great moment. I exactly foretold the +miscarriage at Toulon, with all its particulars; and the loss of Admiral +Shovel, tho' I was mistaken as to the day, placing that accident about +thirty-six hours sooner than it happen'd; but upon reviewing my schemes, +I quickly found the cause of that error. I likewise foretold the Battle +of Almanza to the very day and hour, with the loss on both sides, and +the consequences thereof. All which I shewed to some friends many months +before they happened, that is, I gave them papers sealed up, to open at +such a time, after which they were at liberty to read them; and there +they found my predictions true in every article, except one or two, very +minute. + +As for the few following predictions I now offer the world, I forbore +to publish them till I had perused the several almanacks for the year we +are now enter'd on. I find them in all the usual strain, and I beg the +reader will compare their manner with mine: And here I make bold to tell +the world, that I lay the whole credit of my art upon the truth of these +predictions; and I will be content, that Partridge, and the rest of his +clan, may hoot me for a cheat and impostor, if I fail in any singular +particular of moment. I believe, any man who reads this paper, will look +upon me to be at least a person of as much honesty and understanding, as +a common maker of almanacks. I do not lurk in the dark; I am not wholly +unknown in the world; I have set my name at length, to be a mark of +infamy to mankind, if they shall find I deceive them. + +In one thing I must desire to be forgiven, that I talk more sparingly of +home-affairs: As it will be imprudence to discover secrets of state, so +it would be dangerous to my person; but in smaller matters, and that are +not of publick consequence, I shall be very free; and the truth of my +conjectures will as much appear from those as the other. As for the most +signal events abroad in France, Flanders, Italy and Spain, I shall +make no scruple to predict them in plain terms: Some of them are of +importance, and I hope I shall seldom mistake the day they will happen; +therefore, I think good to inform the reader, that I all along make use +of the Old Style observed in England, which I desire he will compare +with that of the news-papers, at the time they relate the actions I +mention. + +I must add one word more: I know it hath been the opinion of several of +the learned, who think well enough of the true art of astrology, That +the stars do only incline, and not force the actions or wills of men: +And therefore, however I may proceed by right rules, yet I cannot in +prudence so confidently assure the events will follow exactly as I +predict them. + +I hope I have maturely considered this objection, which in some cases +is of no little weight. For example: A man may, by the influence of an +over-ruling planet, be disposed or inclined to lust, rage, or avarice, +and yet by the force of reason overcome that bad influence; and this +was the case of Socrates: But as the great events of the world usually +depend upon numbers of men, it cannot be expected they should all unite +to cross their inclinations, from pursuing a general design, wherein +they unanimously agree. Besides the influence of the stars reaches to +many actions and events which are not any way in the power of reason; +as sickness, death, and what we commonly call accidents, with many more, +needless to repeat. + +But now it is time to proceed to my predictions, which I have begun to +calculate from the time that the Sun enters into Aries. And this I take +to be properly the beginning of the natural year. I pursue them to the +time that he enters Libra, or somewhat more, which is the busy period of +the year. The remainder I have not yet adjusted, upon account of several +impediments needless here to mention: Besides, I must remind the reader +again, that this is but a specimen of what I design in succeeding years +to treat more at large, if I may have liberty and encouragement. + +My first prediction is but a trifle, yet I will mention it, to show +how ignorant those sottish pretenders to astrology are in their own +concerns: It relates to Partridge the almanack-maker; I have consulted +the stars of his nativity by my own rules, and find he will infallibly +die upon the 29th of March next, about eleven at night, of a raging +fever; therefore I advise him to consider of it, and settle his affairs +in time. + +The month of April will be observable for the death of many great +persons. On the 4th will die the Cardinal de Noailles, Archbishop of +Paris: On the 11th the young Prince of Asturias, son to the Duke +of Anjou: On the 14th a great peer of this realm will die at his +country-house: On the 19th an old layman of great fame for learning: +and on the 23rd an eminent goldsmith in Lombard-Street. I could mention +others, both at home and abroad, if I did not consider it is of very +little use or instruction to the reader, or to the world. + +As to publick affairs: On the 7th of this month there will be an +insurrection in Dauphine, occasion'd by the oppressions of the people, +which will not be quieted in some months. + +On the 15th will be a violent storm on the south-east coast of France, +which will destroy many of their ships, and some in the very harbour. + +The 19th will be famous for the revolt of a whole province or kingdom, +excepting one city, by which the affairs of a certain prince in the +alliance will take a better face. + +May, against common conjectures, will be no very busy month in Europe, +but very signal for the death of the Dauphin, which will happen on +the 7th, after a short fit of sickness, and grievous torments with the +strangury. He dies less lamented by the court than the kingdom. + +On the 9th a Mareschal of France will break his leg by a fall from his +horse. I have not been able to discover whether he will then die or not. + +On the 11th will begin a most important siege, which the eyes of all +Europe will be upon: I cannot be more particular: for in relating +affairs that so nearly concern the Confederates, and consequently this +Kingdom, I am forced to confine myself, for several reasons very obvious +to the reader. + +On the 15th news will arrive of a very surprizing event, than which +nothing could be more unexpected. + +On the 19th three noble ladies of this Kingdom will, against all +expectation, prove with child, to the great joy of their husbands. + +On the 23rd a famous buffoon of the play-house will die a ridiculous +death, suitable to his vocation. + +June. This month will be distinguish'd at home, by the utter dispersing +of those ridiculous deluded enthusiasts, commonly call'd the Prophets; +occasion'd chiefly by seeing the time come that many of their prophecies +should be fulfill'd, and then finding themselves deceiv'd by contrary +events. It is indeed to be admir'd how any deceiver can be so weak, to +foretel things near at hand, when a very few months must of necessity +discover the impostor to all the world; in this point less prudent than +common almanack-makers, who are so wise to wonder in generals, and talk +dubiously, and leave to the reader the business of interpreting. + +On the 1st of this month a French general will be killed by a random +shot of a cannon-ball. + +On the 6th a fire will break out in the suburbs of Paris, which will +destroy above a thousand houses; and seems to be the foreboding of +what will happen, to the surprize of all Europe, about the end of the +following month. + +On the 10th a great battle will be fought, which will begin at four +of the clock in the afternoon; and last till nine at night with great +obstinacy, but no very decisive event. I shall not name the place, for +the reasons aforesaid; but the commanders on each left wing will be +killed.--I see bonfires, and hear the noise of guns for a victory. + +On the 14th there will be a false report of the French king's death. + +On the 20th Cardinal Portocarero will die of a dysentery, with great +suspicion of poison; but the report of his intention to revolt to King +Charles, will prove false. + +July. The 6th of this month a certain general will, by a glorious +action, recover the reputation he lost by former misfortunes. + +On the 12th a great commander will die a prisoner in the hands of his +enemies. + +On the 14th a shameful discovery will be made of a French Jesuit, giving +poison to a great foreign general; and when he is put to the torture, +will make wonderful discoveries. + +In short this will prove a month of great action, if I might have +liberty to relate the particulars. + +At home, the death of an old famous senator will happen on the 15th at +his country-house, worn with age and diseases. + +But that which will make this month memorable to all posterity, is the +death of the French King, Lewis the fourteenth, after a week's sickness +at Marli, which will happen on the 29th, about six o'clock in the +evening. It seems to be an effect of the gout in his stomach, followed +by a flux. And in three days after Monsieur Chamillard will follow his +master, dying suddenly of an appoplexy. + +In this month likewise an ambassador will die in London; but I cannot +assign the day. + +August. The affairs of France will seem to suffer no change for a +while under the Duke of Burgundy's administration; but the genius that +animated the whole machine being gone, will be the cause of mighty turns +and revolutions in the following year. The new King makes yet little +change either in the army or the ministry; but the libels against his +grandfather, that fly about his very court, give him uneasiness. + +I see an express in mighty haste, with joy and wonder in his looks, +arriving by break of day on the 26th of this month, having travell'd in +three days a prodigious journey by land and sea. In the evening I hear +bells and guns, and see the blazing of a thousand bonfires. + +A young admiral of noble birth, does likewise this month gain immortal +honour by a great achievement. + +The affairs of Poland are this month entirely settled: Augustus resigns +his pretensions which he had again taken up for some time: Stanislaus is +peaceably possess'd of the throne; and the King of Sweden declares for +the Emperor. + +I cannot omit one particular accident here at home; that near the end of +this month much mischief will be done at Bartholomew Fair, by the fall +of a booth. + +September. This month begins with a very surprizing fit of frosty +weather, which will last near twelve days. + +The Pope having long languish'd last month, the swellings in his legs +breaking, and the flesh mortifying, will die on the 11th instant; and in +three weeks time, after a mighty contest, be succeeded by a cardinal of +the imperial faction, but native of Tuscany, who is now about sixty-one +years old. + +The French army acts now wholly on the defensive, strongly fortify'd in +their trenches; and the young French King sends overtures for a treaty +of peace by the Duke of Mantua; which, because it is a matter of state +that concerns us here at home, I shall speak no farther of it. + +I shall add but one prediction more, and that in mystical terms, which +shall be included in a verse out of Virgil, + +Alter erit jam Tethys, & altera quae vehat Argo. Delectos heroas. + +Upon the 25th day of this month, the fulfilling of this prediction will +be manifest to every body. + +This is the farthest I have proceeded in my calculations for the present +year. I do not pretend, that these are all the great events which will +happen in this period, but that those I have set down will infallibly +come to pass. It will perhaps still be objected, why I have not spoke +more particularly of affairs at home, or of the success of our armies +abroad, which I might, and could very largely have done; but those in +power have wisely discouraged men from meddling in publick concerns, +and I was resolv'd by no means to give the least offence. This I will +venture to say, That it will be a glorious campaign for the allies, +wherein the English forces, both by sea and land, will have their full +share of honour: That her Majesty Queen Anne will continue in health +and prosperity: And that no ill accident will arrive to any of the chief +ministry. + +As to the particular events I have mention'd, the readers may judge +by the fulfilling of 'em, whether I am on the level with common +astrologers; who, with an old paultry cant, and a few pothook for +planets, to amuse the vulgar, have, in my opinion, too long been +suffer'd to abuse the world: But an honest physician ought not to be +despis'd, because there are such things as mountebanks. I hope I have +some share of reputation, which I would not willingly forfeit for a +frolick or humour: And I believe no gentleman, who reads this paper, +will look upon it to be of the same cast or mould with the common +scribblers that are every day hawk'd about. My fortune has placed me +above the little regard of scribbling for a few pence, which I neither +value or want: Therefore let no wise men too hastily condemn this essay, +intended for a good design, to cultivate and improve an ancient art, +long in disgrace, by having fallen into mean and unskilful hands. A +little time will determine whether I have deceived others or myself: +and I think it is no very unreasonable request, that men would please to +suspend their judgments till then. I was once of the opinion with those +who despise all predictions from the stars, till the year 1686, a man +of quality shew'd me, written in his album, That the most learned +astronomer, Captain H. assured him, he would never believe any thing of +the stars' influence, if there were not a great revolution in England in +the year 1688. Since that time I began to have other thoughts, and after +eighteen years diligent study and application, I think I have no reason +to repent of my pains. I shall detain the reader no longer, than to let +him know, that the account I design to give of next year's events, shall +take in the principal affairs that happen in Europe; and if I be denied +the liberty of offering it to my own country, I shall appeal to the +learned world, by publishing it in Latin, and giving order to have it +printed in Holland. + + +***** + + + + +The Accomplishment of the First of Mr Bickerstaff's Predictions; + +being an account of the death of Mr Partridge, the almanack-maker, upon +the 29th instant. + +In a letter to a person of honour Written in the year 1708 + +My Lord, + +In obedience to your Lordship's commands, as well as to satisfy my own +curiosity, I have for some days past enquired constantly after Partridge +the almanack-maker, of whom it was foretold in Mr. Bickerstaff's +predictions, publish'd about a month ago, that he should die on the +29th instant about eleven at night of a raging fever. I had some sort +of knowledge of him when I was employ'd in the Revenue, because he used +every year to present me with his almanack, as he did other gentlemen, +upon the score of some little gratuity we gave him. I saw him +accidentally once or twice about ten days before he died, and observed +he began very much to droop and languish, tho' I hear his friends did +not seem to apprehend him in any danger. About two or three days ago +he grew ill, and was confin'd first to his chamber, and in a few hours +after to his bed, where Dr. Case and Mrs. Kirleus were sent for to +visit, and to prescribe to him. Upon this intelligence I sent thrice +every day one servant or other to enquire after his health; and +yesterday, about four in the afternoon, word was brought me that he +was past hopes: Upon which, I prevailed with myself to go and see him, +partly out of commiseration, and I confess, partly out of curiosity. +He knew me very well, seem'd surpriz'd at my condescension, and made me +compliments upon it as well as he could, in the condition he was. The +people about him said, he had been for some time delirious; but when +I saw him, he had his understanding as well as ever I knew, and spake +strong and hearty, without any seeming uneasiness or constraint. After +I told him how sorry I was to see him in those melancholy circumstances, +and said some other civilities, suitable to the occasion, I desired +him to tell me freely and ingeniously, whether the predictions Mr. +Bickerstaff had publish'd relating to his death, had not too much +affected and worked on his imagination. He confess'd he had often had +it in his head, but never with much apprehension, till about a fortnight +before; since which time it had the perpetual possession of his mind and +thoughts, and he did verily believe was the true natural cause of his +present distemper: For, said he, I am thoroughly persuaded, and I think +I have very good reasons, that Mr. Bickerstaff spoke altogether by +guess, and knew no more what will happen this year than I did myself. +I told him his discourse surprized me; and I would be glad he were in a +state of health to be able to tell me what reason he had to be convinc'd +of Mr. Bickerstaff's ignorance. He reply'd, I am a poor ignorant fellow, +bred to a mean trade, yet I have sense enough to know that all pretences +of foretelling by astrology are deceits, for this manifest reason, +because the wise and the learned, who can only know whether there be any +truth in this science, do all unanimously agree to laugh at and despise +it; and none but the poor ignorant vulgar give it any credit, and that +only upon the word of such silly wretches as I and my fellows, who can +hardly write or read. I then asked him why he had not calculated his +own nativity, to see whether it agreed with Bickerstaff's prediction? at +which he shook his head, and said, Oh! sir, this is no time for jesting, +but for repenting those fooleries, as I do now from the very bottom of +my heart. By what I can gather from you, said I, the observations and +predictions you printed, with your almanacks, were mere impositions on +the people. He reply'd, if it were otherwise I should have the less +to answer for. We have a common form for all those things, as to +foretelling the weather, we never meddle with that, but leave it to the +printer, who takes it out of any old almanack, as he thinks fit; the +rest was my own invention, to make my almanack sell, having a wife to +maintain, and no other way to get my bread; for mending old shoes is +a poor livelihood; and, (added he, sighing) I wish I may not have done +more mischief by my physick than my astrology; tho' I had some good +receipts from my grandmother, and my own compositions were such as I +thought could at least do no hurt. + +I had some other discourse with him, which now I cannot call to mind; +and I fear I have already tired your Lordship. I shall only add one +circumstance, That on his death-bed he declared himself a Nonconformist, +and had a fanatick preacher to be his spiritual guide. After half an +hour's conversation I took my leave, being half stifled by the closeness +of the room. I imagine he could not hold out long, and therefore +withdrew to a little coffee-house hard by, leaving a servant at the +house with orders to come immediately, and tell me, as near as he could, +the minute when Partridge should expire, which was not above two hours +after; when, looking upon my watch, I found it to be above five minutes +after seven; by which it is clear that Mr. Bickerstaff was mistaken +almost four hours in his calculation. In the other circumstances he was +exact enough. But whether he has not been the cause of this poor man's +death, as well as the predictor, may be very reasonably disputed. +However, it must be confess'd the matter is odd enough, whether +we should endeavour to account for it by chance, or the effect of +imagination: For my own part, tho' I believe no man has less faith in +these matters, yet I shall wait with some impatience, and not without +some expectation, the fulfilling of Mr. Bickerstaff's second prediction, +that the Cardinal de Noailles is to die upon the fourth of April, and if +that should be verified as exactly as this of poor Partridge, I must +own I should be wholly surprized, and at a loss, and should infallibly +expect the accomplishment of all the rest. + + +***** + + + + +An Elegy on the supposed Death of Partridge, the Almanack-Maker. + + Well, 'tis as Bickerstaff has guess'd, + Tho' we all took it for a jest; + Partridge is dead, nay more, he dy'd + E're he could prove the good 'Squire ly'd. + Strange, an Astrologer shou'd die, + Without one Wonder in the Sky! + Not one of all his Crony Stars + To pay their Duty at his Herse? + No Meteor, no Eclipse appear'd? + No Comet with a flaming Beard? + The Sun has rose, and gone to Bed, + Just as if partridge were not dead: + Nor hid himself behind the Moon, + To make a dreadful Night at Noon. + He at fit Periods walks through Aries, + Howe'er our earthly Motion varies; + And twice a Year he'll cut th' Equator, + As if there had been no such Matter. + + Some Wits have wonder'd what Analogy + There is 'twixt Cobbling* and Astrology: + How Partridge made his Optics rise, + From a Shoe-Sole, to reach the Skies. + + A List of Coblers Temples Ties, + To keep the Hair out of their Eyes; + From whence 'tis plain the Diadem + That Princes wear, derives from them. + And therefore Crowns are now-a-days + Adorn'd with Golden Stars and Rays, + Which plainly shews the near Alliance + 'Twixt cobling and the Planets Science. + + Besides, that slow-pac'd Sign Bootes, + As 'tis miscall'd, we know not who 'tis? + But Partridge ended all Disputes, + He knew his Trade, and call'd it **Boots. + + The Horned Moon, which heretofore + Upon their Shoes the Romans wore, + Whose Wideness kept their Toes from Corns, + And whence we claim our Shooing-Horns; + Shows how the Art of Cobling bears + A near Resemblance to the Spheres. + + A Scrap of Parchment hung by Geometry + (A great Refinement in Barometry) + Can, like the Stars, foretel the Weather; + And what is Parchment else but Leather? + Which an Astrologer might use, + Either for Almanacks or Shoes. + + Thus Partridge, by his Wit and Parts, + At once did practise both these Arts; + And as the boading Owl (or rather + The Bat, because her Wings are Leather) + Steals from her private Cell by Night, + And flies about the Candle-Light; + So learned Partridge could as well + Creep in the Dark from Leathern Cell, + And, in his Fancy, fly as fair, + To peep upon a twinkling Star. + + Besides, he could confound the Spheres, + And set the Planets by the Ears; + To shew his Skill, he Mars could join + To Venus in Aspect Mali'n; + Then call in Mercury for Aid, + And cure the Wounds that Venus made. + + Great Scholars have in Lucian read, + When Philip, King of Greece was dead, + His Soul and Spirit did divide, + And each Part took a diff'rent Side; + One rose a Star, the other fell + Beneath, and mended Shoes in Hell. + + Thus Partridge still shines in each Art, + The Cobling and Star-gazing Part, + And is install'd as good a Star + As any of the Caesars are. + + Triumphant Star! some Pity shew + On Coblers militant below, + Whom roguish Boys in stormy Nights + Torment, by pissing out their Lights; + Or thro' a Chink convey their Smoke; + Inclos'd Artificers to choke. + + Thou, high exalted in thy Sphere, + May'st follow still thy Calling there. + To thee the Bull will lend his hide, + By Phoebus newly tann'd and dry'd. + For thee they Argo's Hulk will tax, + And scrape her pitchy Sides for Wax. + Then Ariadne kindly lends + Her braided Hair to make thee Ends. + The Point of Sagittarius' Dart + Turns to an awl, by heav'nly Art; + And Vulcan, wheedled by his Wife, + Will forge for thee a Paring-Knife. + For want of Room, by Virgo's Side, + She'll strain a Point, and sit astride***, + To take thee kindly in between, + And then the Signs will be Thirteen. + + *Partridge was a Cobler. + + ** See his Almanack + + ***Tibi brachia contrahet ingens Scorpius, etc. + + +***** + + + + +An Epitaph on Partridge. + + Here, five Foot deep, lies on his Back, + A Cobler, Starmonger, and Quack; + Who to the Stars in pure Good-will, + Does to his best look upward still. + Weep all you Customers that use + His Pills, his Almanacks, or Shoes; + And you that did your Fortunes seek, + Step to his Grave but once a Week: + This Earth which bears his Body's Print, + You'll find has so much Vertue in't, + That I durst pawn my Ears 'twill tell + Whate'er concerns you full as well, + In Physick, Stolen Goods, or Love, + As he himself could, when above. + + +***** + + + + +Partridge's reply + +'Squire Bickerstaff detected; or, the astrological impostor convicted; + +by John Partridge, student in physick and astrology. + +It is hard, my dear countrymen of these united nations, it is very +hard that a Briton born, a Protestant astrologer, a man of revolution +principles, an assertor of the liberty and property of the people, +should cry out, in vain, for justice against a Frenchman, a Papist, an +illiterate pretender to science; that would blast my reputation, +most inhumanly bury me alive, and defraud my native country of those +services, that, in my double capacity, I daily offer to the publick. + +What great provocations I have receiv'd, let the impartial reader judge, +and how unwillingly, even in my own defence, I now enter the lists +against falsehood, ignorance and envy: But I am exasperated, at length, +to drag out this cacus from the den of obscurity where he lurks, detect +him by the light of those stars he has so impudently traduced, and +shew there's not a monster in the skies so pernicious and malevolent to +mankind, as an ignorant pretender to physick and astrology. I shall +not directly fall on the many gross errors, nor expose the notorious +absurdities of this prostituted libeller, till I have let the learned +world fairly into the controversy depending, and then leave the +unprejudiced to judge of the merits and justice of the cause. + +It was towards the conclusion of the year 1707, when an impudent +pamphlet crept into the world, intituled, 'Predictions, etc.' by Isaac +Bickerstaff, Esq;--Amongst the many arrogant assertions laid down by +that lying spirit of divination, he was pleas'd to pitch on the Cardinal +de Noailles and myself, among many other eminent and illustrious +persons, that were to die within the compass of the ensuing year; and +peremptorily fixes the month, day, and hour of our deaths: This, I +think, is sporting with great men, and publick spirits, to the scandal +of religion, and reproach of power; and if sovereign princes and +astrologers must make diversion for the vulgar---- why then farewel, say +I, to all governments, ecclesiastical and civil. But, I thank my better +stars, I am alive to confront this false and audacious predictor, and to +make him rue the hour he ever affronted a man of science and resentment. +The Cardinal may take what measures he pleases with him; as his +excellency is a foreigner, and a papist, he has no reason to rely on me +for his justification; I shall only assure the world he is alive---- but +as he was bred to letters, and is master of a pen, let him use it in +his own defence. In the mean time I shall present the publick with a +faithful narrative of the ungenerous treatment and hard usage I have +received from the virulent papers and malicious practices of this +pretended astrologer. + +A true and impartial account of the proceedings of Isaac Bickerstaff, +Esq; against me---- + +The 28th of March, Anno Dom. 1708, being the night this sham-prophet had +so impudently fix'd for my last, which made little impression on myself; +but I cannot answer for my whole family; for my wife, with a concern +more than usual, prevailed on me to take somewhat to sweat for a cold; +and, between the hours of eight and nine, to go to bed: The maid, as she +was warming my bed, with a curiosity natural to young wenches, runs to +the window, and asks of one passing the street, who the bell toll'd for? +Dr. Partridge, says he, that famous almanack-maker, who died suddenly +this evening: The poor girl provoked, told him he ly'd like a rascal; +the other very sedately reply'd, the sexton had so informed him, and if +false, he was to blame for imposing upon a stranger. She asked a second, +and a third, as they passed, and every one was in the same tone. Now I +don't say these are accomplices to a certain astrological 'squire, and +that one Bickerstaff might be sauntring thereabouts; because I will +assert nothing here but what I dare attest, and plain matter of fact. My +wife at this fell into a violent disorder; and I must own I was a little +discomposed at the oddness of the accident. In the mean time one knocks +at my door, Betty runs down, and opening, finds a sober grave person, +who modestly enquires if this was Dr. Partridge's? She taking him for +some cautious city-patient, that came at that time for privacy, shews +him into the dining room. As soon as I could compose myself, I went to +him, and was surprized to find my gentleman mounted on a table with a +two-foot rule in his hand, measuring my walls, and taking the dimensions +of the room. Pray sir, says I, not to interrupt you, have you any +business with me? Only, sir, replies he, order the girl to bring me a +better light, for this is but a very dim one. Sir, says I, my name is +Partridge: Oh! the Doctor's brother, belike, cries he; the stair-case, +I believe, and these two apartments hung in close mourning, will be +sufficient, and only a strip of bays round the other rooms. The Doctor +must needs die rich, he had great dealings in his way for many years; +if he had no family coat, you had as good use the escutcheons of the +company, they are as showish, and will look as magnificent as if he +was descended from the blood royal. With that I assumed a great air of +authority, and demanded who employ'd him, or how he came there? Why, +I was sent, sir, by the Company of Undertakers, says he, and they were +employed by the honest gentleman, who is executor to the good Doctor +departed; and our rascally porter, I believe, is fallen fast asleep with +the black cloth and sconces, or he had been here, and we might have been +tacking up by this time. Sir, says I, pray be advis'd by a friend, and +make the best of your speed out of my doors, for I hear my wife's voice, +(which by the by, is pretty distinguishable) and in that corner of the +room stands a good cudgel, which somebody has felt e're now; if that +light in her hands, and she know the business you come about, without +consulting the stars, I can assure you it will be employed very much to +the detriment of your person. Sir, cries he, bowing with great civility, +I perceive extreme grief for the loss of the Doctor disorders you a +little at present, but early in the morning I'll wait on you with all +necessary materials. Now I mention no Mr. Bickerstaff, nor do I say, +that a certain star-gazing 'squire has been playing my executor before +his time; but I leave the world to judge, and if he puts things and +things fairly together, it won't be much wide of the mark. + +Well, once more I got my doors clos'd, and prepar'd for bed, in hopes of +a little repose after so many ruffling adventures; just as I was putting +out my light in order to it, another bounces as hard as he can knock; +I open the window, and ask who's there, and what he wants? I am Ned the +sexton, replies he, and come to know whether the Doctor left any orders +for a funeral sermon, and where he is to be laid, and whether his grave +is to be plain or bricked? Why, sirrah, says I, you know me well enough; +you know I am not dead, and how dare you affront me in this manner? +Alack-a-day, replies the fellow, why 'tis in print, and the whole town +knows you are dead; why, there's Mr. White the joiner is but fitting +screws to your coffin, he'll be here with it in an instant: he was +afraid you would have wanted it before this time. Sirrah, Sirrah, says +I, you shall know tomorrow to your cost, that I am alive, and alive like +to be. Why, 'tis strange, sir, says he, you should make such a secret +of your death to us that are your neighbours; it looks as if you had a +design to defraud the church of its dues; and let me tell you, for one +that has lived so long by the heavens, that's unhandsomely done. Hist, +Hist, says another rogue that stood by him, away Doctor, in your flannel +gear as fast as you can, for here's a whole pack of dismals coming to +you with their black equipage, and how indecent will it look for you +to stand fright'ning folks at your window, when you should have been +in your coffin this three hours? In short, what with undertakers, +imbalmers, joiners, sextons, and your damn'd elegy hawkers, upon a late +practitioner in physick and astrology, I got not one wink of sleep that +night, nor scarce a moment's rest ever since. Now I doubt not but this +villainous 'squire has the impudence to assert, that these are entirely +strangers to him; he, good man, knows nothing of the matter, and honest +Isaac Bickerstaff, I warrant you, is more a man of honour, than to be an +accomplice with a pack of rascals, that walk the streets on nights, and +disturb good people in their beds; but he is out, if he thinks the whole +world is blind; for there is one John Partridge can smell a knave as +far as Grubstreet,--tho' he lies in the most exalted garret, and writes +himself 'Squire:-- + +But I'll keep my temper, and proceed in the narration. + +I could not stir out of doors for the space of three months after this, +but presently one comes up to me in the street; Mr Partridge, that +coffin you was last buried in I have not been yet paid for: Doctor, +cries another dog, How d'ye think people can live by making of graves +for nothing? Next time you die, you may e'en toll out the bell yourself +for Ned. A third rogue tips me by the elbow, and wonders how I have the +conscience to sneak abroad without paying my funeral expences. Lord, +says one, I durst have swore that was honest Dr. Partridge, my old +friend; but poor man, he is gone. I beg your pardon, says another, you +look so like my old acquaintance that I used to consult on some private +occasions; but, alack, he's gone the way of all flesh---- Look, look, +look, cries a third, after a competent space of staring at me, would not +one think our neighbour the almanack-maker, was crept out of his grave +to take t'other peep at the stars in this world, and shew how much he is +improv'd in fortune-telling by having taken a journey to the other? + +Nay, the very reader, of our parish, a good sober, discreet person, has +sent two or three times for me to come and be buried decently, or send +him sufficient reasons to the contrary, if I have been interr'd in any +other parish, to produce my certificate, as the act requires. My poor +wife is almost run distracted with being called Widow Partridge, when +she knows its false; and once a term she is cited into the court, to +take out letters of administration. But the greatest grievance is, a +paultry quack, that takes up my calling just under my nose, and in his +printed directions with N.B. says, He lives in the house of the late +ingenious Mr. John Partridge, an eminent practitioner in leather, +physick and astrology. + +But to show how far the wicked spirit of envy, malice and resentment can +hurry some men, my nameless old persecutor had provided me a monument at +the stone-cutter's and would have erected it in the parish-church; and +this piece of notorious and expensive villany had actually succeeded, +had I not used my utmost interest with the vestry, where it was carried +at last but by two voices, that I am still alive. That stratagem +failing, out comes a long sable elegy, bedeck'd with hour-glasses, +mattocks, sculls, spades, and skeletons, with an epitaph as confidently +written to abuse me, and my profession, as if I had been under ground +these twenty years. + +And, after such barbarous treatment as this, can the world blame me, +when I ask, What is become of the freedom of an Englishman? And where +is the liberty and property that my old glorious friend came over to +assert? We have drove popery out of the nation, and sent slavery to +foreign climes. The arts only remain in bondage, when a man of science +and character shall be openly insulted in the midst of the many useful +services he is daily paying to the publick. Was it ever heard, even in +Turkey or Algiers, that a state-astrologer was banter'd out of his +life by an ignorant impostor, or bawl'd out of the world by a pack of +villanous, deep-mouth'd hawkers? Though I print almanacks, and publish +advertisements; though I produce certificates under the ministers +and church-wardens hands I am alive, and attest the same on oath at +quarter-sessions, out comes a full and true relation of the death and +interment of John Partridge; Truth is bore down, attestations neglected, +the testimony of sober persons despised, and a man is looked upon by his +neighbours as if he had been seven years dead, and is buried alive in +the midst of his friends and acquaintance. + +Now can any man of common sense think it consistent with the honour of +my profession, and not much beneath the dignity of a philosopher, to +stand bawling before his own door?---- Alive! Alive ho! The famous Dr. +Partridge! No counterfeit, but all alive!---- As if I had the twelve +celestial monsters of the zodiac to shew within, or was forced for a +livelihood to turn retailer to May and Bartholomew Fairs. Therefore, if +Her Majesty would but graciously be pleased to think a hardship of this +nature worthy her royal consideration, and the next parliament, in their +great wisdom cast but an eye towards the deplorable case of their old +philomath, that annually bestows his poetical good wishes on them, I am +sure there is one Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq; would soon be truss'd up for +his bloody predictions, and putting good subjects in terror of their +lives: And that henceforward to murder a man by way of prophecy, and +bury him in a printed letter, either to a lord or commoner, shall as +legally entitle him to the present possession of Tyburn, as if he robb'd +on the highway, or cut your throat in bed. + +I shall demonstrate to the judicious, that France and Rome are at the +bottom of this horrid conspiracy against me; and that culprit aforesaid +is a popish emissary, has paid his visits to St. Germains, and is now in +the measures of Lewis XIV. That in attempting my reputation, there is +a general massacre of learning designed in these realms; and through my +sides there is a wound given to all the Protestant almanack-makers in +the universe. + +Vivat Regina. + + +***** + + + + +A vindication of Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq; + +against what is objected to him by Mr. Partridge in his almanack for the +present year 1709. + +By the said Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq; + +Written in the year 1709. + +Mr. Partridge hath been lately pleased to treat me after a very rough +manner, in that which is called, his almanack for the present year: Such +usage is very undecent from one gentleman to another, and does not at +all contribute to the discovery of truth, which ought to be the great +end in all disputes of the learned. To call a man fool and villain, +and impudent fellow, only for differing from him in a point meer +speculative, is, in my humble opinion, a very improper style for a +person of his education. I appeal to the learned world, whether in +my last year's predictions I gave him the least provocation for such +unworthy treatment. Philosophers have differed in all ages; but the +discreetest among them have always differed as became philosophers. +Scurrility and passion, in a controversy among scholars, is just so much +of nothing to the purpose, and at best, a tacit confession of a weak +cause: My concern is not so much for my own reputation, as that of the +Republick of Letters, which Mr. Partridge hath endeavoured to wound +through my sides. If men of publick spirit must be superciliously +treated for their ingenious attempts, how will true useful knowledge +be ever advanced? I wish Mr. Partridge knew the thoughts which foreign +universities have conceived of his ungenerous proceedings with me; but +I am too tender of his reputation to publish them to the world. That +spirit of envy and pride, which blasts so many rising genius's in +our nation, is yet unknown among professors abroad: The necessity of +justifying myself will excuse my vanity, when I tell the reader that I +have near a hundred honorary letters from several parts of Europe (some +as far as Muscovy) in praise of my performance. Besides several others, +which, as I have been credibly informed, were open'd in the post-office +and never sent me. 'Tis true the Inquisition in Portugal was pleased to +burn my predictions, and condem the author and readers of them; but I +hope at the same time, it will be consider'd in how deplorable a state +learning lies at present in that kingdom: And with the profoundest +veneration for crown'd heads, I will presume to add, that it a little +concerned His Majesty of Portugal, to interpose his authority in behalf +of a scholar and a gentleman, the subject of a nation with which he +is now in so strict an alliance. But the other kingdoms and states of +Europe have treated me with more candor and generosity. If I had leave +to print the Latin letters transmitted to me from foreign parts, +they would fill a volume, and be a full defence against all that Mr. +Partridge, or his accomplices of the Portugal Inquisition, will be able +to object; who, by the way, are the only enemies my predictions have +ever met with at home or abroad. But I hope I know better what is due to +the honour of a learned correspondence in so tender a point. Yet some +of those illustrious persons will perhaps excuse me from transcribing a +passage or two in my own vindication. The most learned Monsieur Leibnits +thus addresses to me his third letter: Illustrissimo Bickerstaffio +Astrologiae instauratori, etc. Monsieur le Clerc, quoting my predictions +in a treatise he published last year, is pleased to say, Ita nuperrime +Bickerstaffius magnum illud Angliae fidus. Another great professor +writing of me, has these words: Bickerstaffius, nobilis Anglus, +Astrologorum hujusce Saeculi facile Princeps. Signior Magliabecchi, the +Great Duke's famous library-keeper, spends almost his whole letter in +compliments and praises. 'Tis true, the renowned Professor of Astronomy +at Utrecht, seems to differ from me in one article; but it is in a +modest manner, that becomes a philosopher; as, Pace tanti viri dixerim: +And pag.55, he seems to lay the error upon the printer (as indeed +it ought) and says, vel forsan error typographi, cum alioquin +Bickerstaffius ver doctissimus, etc. + +If Mr. Partridge had followed this example in the controversy between +us, he might have spared me the trouble of justifying myself in so +publick a manner. I believe few men are readier to own their errors than +I, or more thankful to those who will please to inform me of them. But +it seems this gentleman, instead of encouraging the progress of his own +art, is pleased to look upon all attempts of that kind as an invasion +of his province. He has been indeed so wise to make no objection against +the truth of my predictions, except in one single point, relating +to himself: And to demonstrate how much men are blinded by their own +partiality, I do solemnly assure the reader, that he is the only person +from whom I ever heard that objection offered; which consideration +alone, I think, will take off all its weight. + +With my utmost endeavours, I have not been able to trace above two +objections ever made against the truth of my last year's prophecies: The +first was of a French man, who was pleased to publish to the world, that +the Cardinal de Noailles was still alive, notwithstanding the pretended +prophecy of Monsieur Biquerstaffe: But how far a Frenchman, a papist, +and an enemy is to be believed in his own case against an English +Protestant, who is true to his government, I shall leave to the candid +and impartial reader. + +The other objection is the unhappy occasion of this discourse, and +relates to an article in my predictions, which foretold the death of Mr. +Partridge, to happen on March 29, 1708. This he is pleased to contradict +absolutely in the almanack he has published for the present year, and +in that ungentlemanly manner (pardon the expression) as I have above +related. In that work he very roundly asserts, That he is not only now +alive, but was likewise alive upon that very 29th of March, when I had +foretold he should die. This is the subject of the present controversy +between us; which I design to handle with all brevity, perspicuity, and +calmness: In this dispute, I am sensible the eyes not only of England, +but of all Europe, will be upon us; and the learned in every country +will, I doubt not, take part on that side, where they find most +appearance of reason and truth. + +Without entering into criticisms of chronology about the hour of his +death, I shall only prove that Mr. Partridge is not alive. And my first +argument is thus: Above a thousand gentelmen having bought his almanacks +for this year, merely to find what he said against me; at every line +they read, they would lift up their eyes, and cry out, betwixt rage and +laughter, "They were sure no man alive ever writ such damn'd stuff +as this." Neither did I ever hear that opinion disputed: So that Mr. +Partridge lies under a dilemma, either of disowning his almanack, or +allowing himself to be "no man alive". But now if an uninformed +carcase walks still about, and is pleased to call itself Partridge, Mr. +Bickerstaff does not think himself any way answerable for that. Neither +had the said carcase any right to beat the poor boy who happen'd to pass +by it in the street, crying, "A full and true account of Dr. Partridge's +death, etc." + +Secondly, Mr. Partridge pretends to tell fortunes, and recover stolen +goods; which all the parish says he must do by conversing with the +devil and other evil spirits: And no wise man will ever allow he could +converse personally with either, till after he was dead. + +Thirdly, I will plainly prove him to be dead out of his own almanack for +this year, and from the very passage which he produces to make us think +him alive. He there says, "He is not only now alive, but was also alive +on the very 29th of March, which I foretold he should die on": By this, +he declares his opinion, that a man may be alive now, who was not +alive a twelvemonth ago. And indeed, there lies the sophistry of this +argument. He dares not assert, he was alive ever since that 29th of +March, but that he is now alive, and was so on that day: I grant the +latter; for he did not die till night, as appears by the printed account +of his death, in a letter to a lord; and whether he is since revived +I leave the world to judge. This indeed is perfect cavilling, and I am +ashamed to dwell any longer upon it. + +Fourthly, I will appeal to Mr. Partridge himself, whether it be probable +I could have been so indiscreet, to begin my predictions with the only +falsehood that ever was pretended to be in them; and this in an affair +at home, where I had so many opportunities to be exact; and must have +given such advantages against me to a person of Mr. Partridge's wit and +learning, who, if he could possibly have raised one single objection +more against the truth of my prophecies, would hardly have spared me. + +And here I must take occasion to reprove the above mention'd writer of +the relation of Mr. Partridge's death, in a letter to a lord; who was +pleased to tax me with a mistake of four whole hours in my calculation +of that event. I must confess, this censure pronounced with an air +of certainty, in a matter that so nearly concerned me, and by a grave +judicious author, moved me not a little. But tho' I was at that time out +of town, yet several of my friends, whose curiosity had led them to be +exactly informed (for as to my own part, having no doubt at all in the +matter, I never once thought of it) assured me, I computed to something +under half an hour: which (I speak my private opinion) is an error of no +very great magnitude, that men should raise a clamour about it. I shall +only say, it would not be amiss, if that author would henceforth be more +tender of other men's reputations as well as his own. It is well there +were no more mistakes of that kind; if there had, I presume he would +have told me of them with as little ceremony. + +There is one objection against Mr. Partridge's death, which I have +sometimes met with, though indeed very slightly offered, That he still +continues to write almanacks. But this is no more than what is common +to all that profession; Gadbury, Poor Robin, Dove, Wing, and several +others, do yearly publish their almanacks, though several of them have +been dead since before the Revolution. Now the natural reason of this +I take to be, that whereas it is the privilege of other authors to live +after their deaths; almanack-makers are alone excluded, because their +dissertations treating only upon the minutes as they pass, become +useless as those go off. In consideration of which, Time, whose +registers they are, gives them a lease in reversion, to continue their +works after their death. + +I should not have given the publick or myself the trouble of this +vindication, if my name had not been made use of by several persons, +to whom I never lent it; one of which, a few days ago, was pleased to +father on me a new sett of predictions. But I think those are things too +serious to be trifled with. It grieved me to the heart, when I saw my +labours, which had cost me so much thought and watching, bawl'd about by +common hawkers, which I only intended for the weighty consideration of +the gravest persons. This prejudiced the world so much at first, that +several of my friends had the assurance to ask me whether I were in +jest? To which I only answered coldly, that the event would shew. But +it is the talent of our age and nation, to turn things of the greatest +importance into ridicule. When the end of the year had verified all my +predictions, out comes Mr. Partridge's almanack, disputing the point +of his death; so that I am employed, like the general who was forced to +kill his enemies twice over, whom a necromancer had raised to life. If +Mr. Partridge has practised the same experiment upon himself, and +be again alive, long may he continue so; that does not in the least +contradict my veracity: But I think I have clearly proved, by invincible +demonstration, that he died at farthest within half an hour of the time +I foretold, and not four hours sooner, as the above-mentioned author, in +his letter to a lord, hath maliciously suggested, with design to blast +my credit, by charging me with so gross a mistake. + + +***** + + + + +A famous prediction of Merlin, the British wizard. + +Written above a thousand years ago, and relating to the year 1709, with +explanatory notes. + +Last year was publish'd a paper of predictions, pretended to be written +by one Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq; but the true design of it was to +ridicule the art of astrology, and expose its professors as ignorant +or impostors. Against this imputation, Dr. Partridge hath vindicated +himself in his almanack for that year. + +For a farther vindication of this famous art, I have thought fit to +present the world with the following prophecy. The original is said to +be of the famous Merlin, who lived about a thousand years ago; and +the following translation is two hundred years old, for it seems to be +written near the end of Henry the Seventh's reign. I found it in an old +edition of Merlin's Prophecies, imprinted at London by John Hawkins +in the year 1530, page 39. I set it down word for word in the old +orthography, and shall take leave to subjoin a few explanatory notes. + + Seven and Ten addyd to Nyne, + Of Fraunce her Woe this is the Sygne, + Tamys Rivere twys y-frozen, + Walke sans wetyng Shoes ne Hozen. + Then comyth foorthe, ich understonde, + From Town of Stoffe to farryn Londe, + An herdye Chyftan, woe the Morne + To Fraunce, that evere he was born. + Than shall the fyshe beweyle his Bosse; + Nor shall grin Berrys make up the Losse. + Yonge Symnele shall again miscarrye: + And Norways Pryd again shall marrye. + And from the tree where Blosums feele, + Ripe Fruit shall come, and all is wele, + Reaums shall daunce Honde in Honde, + And it shall be merrye in old Inglonde, + Then old Inglonde shall be no more, + And no man shall be sorre therefore. + Geryon shall have three Hedes agayne, + Till Hapsburge makyth them but twayne. + +Explanatory notes. + +Seven and Ten. This line describes the year when these events shall +happen. Seven and ten makes seventeen, which I explain seventeen +hundred, and this number added to nine, makes the year we are now in; +for it must be understood of the natural year, which begins the first of +January. + +Tamys Rivere twys, etc. The River Thames, frozen twice in one year, so +as men to walk on it, is a very signal accident, which perhaps hath not +fallen out for several hundred years before, and is the reason why some +astrologers have thought that this prophecy could never be fulfilled, +because they imagine such a thing would never happen in our climate. + +From Town of Stoffe, etc. This is a plain designation of the Duke of +Marlborough: One kind of stuff used to fatten land is called marle, +and every body knows that borough is a name for a town; and this way +of expression is after the usual dark manner of old astrological +predictions. + +Then shall the Fyshe, etc. By the fish, is understood the Dauphin of +France, as their kings eldest sons are called: 'Tis here said, he shall +lament the loss of the Duke of Burgundy, called the Bosse, which is an +old English word for hump-shoulder, or crook-back, as that Duke is known +to be; and the prophecy seems to mean, that he should be overcome or +slain. By the green berrys, in the next line, is meant the young Duke +of Berry, the Dauphin's third son, who shall not have valour or fortune +enough to supply the loss of his eldest brother. + +Yonge Symnele, etc. By Symnele is meant the pretended Prince of Wales, +who, if he offers to attempt anything against England, shall miscarry as +he did before. Lambert Symnele is the name of a young man, noted in our +histories for personating the son (as I remember) of Edward the fourth. + +And Norway's Pryd, etc. I cannot guess who is meant by Norway's Pride, +perhaps the reader may, as well as the sense of the two following lines. + +Reaums shall, etc. Reums, or, as the word is now, realms, is the old +name for kingdoms: And this is a very plain prediction of our happy +Union, with the felicities that shall attend it. It is added that Old +England shall be no more, and yet no man shall be sorry for it. And +indeed, properly speaking, England is now no more, for the whole island +is one Kingdom, under the name of Britain. + +Geryon shall, etc. This prediction, tho' somewhat obscure, is +wonderfully adapt. Geryon is said to have been a king of Spain, whom +Hercules slew. It was a fiction of the poets, that he had three heads, +which the author says he shall have again: That is, Spain shall have +three kings; which is now wonderfully verified; for besides the King of +Portugal, which properly is part of Spain, there are now two rivals for +Spain, Charles and Philip: But Charles being descended fro the Count of +Hapsburgh, founder of the Austrian family, shall soon make those heads +but two; by overturning Philip, and driving him out of Spain. + +Some of these predictions are already fulfilled; and it is highly +probable the rest may be in due time; and, I think, I have not forced +the words, by my explication, into any other sense than what they will +naturally bear. If this be granted, I am sure it must be also allow'd, +that the author (whoever he were) was a person of extraordinary +sagacity; and that astrology brought to such perfection as this, is by +no means an art to be despised, whatever Mr. Bickerstaff, or other +merry gentlemen are pleased to think. As to the tradition of these lines +having been writ in the original by Merlin, I confess I lay not much +weight upon it: But it is enough to justify their authority, that the +book from whence I have transcrib'd them, was printed 170 years ago, as +appears by the title-page. For the satisfaction of any gentleman, who +may be either doubtful of the truth, or curious to be inform'd; I shall +give order to have the very book sent to the printer of this paper, with +directions to let anybody see it that pleases, because I believe it is +pretty scarce. + + +***** + + + + +Dr. John Arbuthnot and Alexander Pope + +Annus Mirabilis: or, The wonderful effects of the approaching +conjunction of the planets Jupiter, Mars, and Saturn. + +By Mart. Scriblerus, Philomath. + +In nova fert animus mutatas dicere formas corpora..... + +I suppose every body is sufficiently appriz'd of, and duly prepar'd +for, the famous conjunction to be celebrated the 29th of this instant +December, 1722, foretold by all the sages of antiquity, under the name +of the Annus Mirabilis, or the metamorphostical conjunction: a word +which denotes the mutual transformation of sexes, (the effect of that +configuration of the celestial bodies) the human males being turn'd into +females, and the human females into males. + +The Egyptians have represented this great transformation by several +significant hieroglyphicks, particularly one very remarkable. There are +carv'd upon an obelisk, a barber and a midwife; the barber delivers +his razor to the midwife, and she her swadling-cloaths to the barber. +Accordingly Thales Milesius (who like the rest of his countrymen, +borrow'd his learning from the Egyptians) after having computed the +time of this famous conjunction, "Then," says he, "shall men and women +mutually exchange the pangs of shaving and child-bearing." + +Anaximander modestly describes this metamorphosis in mathematical terms: +"Then," says he, "shall the negative quantity of the women be turn'd +into positive, their - into +;" (i.e.) their minus into plus. + +Plato not only speaks of this great change, but describes all the +preparations towards it. "Long before the bodily transformation, (says +he) nature shall begin the most difficult part of her work, by changing +the ideas and inclinations of the two sexes: Men shall turn effeminate, +and women manly; wives shall domineer, and husbands obey; ladies shall +ride a horseback, dress'd like cavaliers; princes and nobles appear in +night-rails and petticoats; men shall squeak upon theatres with female +voices, and women corrupt virgins; lords shall knot and cut paper; and +even the northern people.........:" A Greek phrase (which for modesty's +sake I forbear to translate) which denotes a vice too frequent amongst +us. + +That the Ministry foresaw this great change, is plain from the +Callico-Act; whereby it is now become the occupation of women all +over England, to convert their useless female habits into beds, +window-curtains, chairs, and joint-stools; undressing themselves (as it +were) before their transformation. + +The philosophy of this transformation will not seem surprizing to people +who search into the bottom of things. Madam Bourignon, a devout French +lady, has shewn us, how man was at first created male and female in +one individual, having the faculty of propagation within himself: +A circumstance necessary to the state of innocence, wherein a man's +happiness was not to depend upon the caprice of another. It was not till +after he had made a faux pas, that he had his female mate. Many such +transformations of individuals have been well attested; particularly +one by Montaigne, and another by the late Bishop of Salisbury. From +all which it appears, that this system of male and female has already +undergone and may hereafter suffer, several alterations. Every smatterer +in anatomy knows, that a woman is but an introverted man; a new fusion +and flatus will turn the hollow bottom of a bottle into a convexity; but +I forbear, (for the sake of my modest men-readers, who are in a few days +to be virgins.) + +In some subjects, the smallest alterations will do: some men are +sufficiently spread about the hips, and contriv'd with female softness, +that they want only the negative quantity to make them buxom wenches; +and there are women who are, as it were, already the ebauche of a good +sturdy man. If nature cou'd be puzzl'd, it will be how to bestow the +redundant matter of the exuberant bubbies that now appear about town, or +how to roll out the short dapper fellows into well-siz'd women. + +This great conjunction will begin to operate on Saturday the 29th +instant. Accordingly, about eight at night, as Senezino shall begin at +the Opera, si videte, he shall be observ'd to make an unusual motion; +upon which the audience will be affected with a red suffusion over their +countenance: And because a strong succession of the muscles of the belly +is necessary towards performing this great operation, both sexes will +be thrown into a profuse involuntary laughter. Then (to use the modest +terms of Anaximander) shall negative quantity be turn'd into positive, +etc. Time never beheld, nor will it ever assemble, such a number +of untouch'd virgins within those walls! but alas! such will be the +impatience and curiosity of people to act in their new capacity, that +many of them will be compleated men and women that very night. To +prevent the disorders that may happen upon this occasion, is the chief +design of this paper. + +Gentlemen have begun already to make use of this conjunction to compass +their filthy purposes. They tell the ladies forsooth, that it is only +parting with a perishable commodity, hardly of so much value as a +callico under-petticoat; since, like its mistress, it will be useless in +the form it is now in. If the ladies have no regard to the dishonour and +immorality of the action, I desire they will consider, that nature who +never destroys her own productions, will exempt big-belly'd women till +the time of their lying-in; so that not to be transformed, will be the +same as to be pregnant. If they don't think it worth while to defend a +fortress that is to be demolish'd in a few days, let them reflect that +it will be a melancholy thing nine months hence, to be brought to bed of +a bastard; a posthumous bastard as it were, to which the quondam father +can be no more than a dry nurse. + +This wonderful transformation is the instrument of nature, to balance +matters between the sexes. The cruelty of scornful mistresses shall be +return'd; the slighted maid shall grow into an imperious gallant, and +reward her undoer with a big belly, and a bastard. + +It is hardly possible to imagine the revolutions that this wonderful +phaenomenon will occasion over the face of the earth. I long impatiently +to see the proceedings of the Parliament of Paris, as to the title +of succession to the crown, this being a case not provided for by the +salique law. There will be no preventing disorders amongst friars and +monks; for certainly vows of chastity do not bind but under the sex in +which they were made. The same will hold good with marriages, tho' I +think it will be a scandal amongst Protestants for husbands and wives +to part, since there remains still a possibility to perform the debitus +conjugale, by the husband being femme couverte. I submit it to the +judgment of the gentlemen of the long robe, whether this transformation +does not discharge all suits of rapes? + +The Pope must undergo a new groping; but the false prophet Mahomet has +contriv'd matters well for his successors; for as the Grand Signior +has now a great many fine women, he will then have as many fine young +gentelmen, at his devotion. + +These are surprizing scenes; but I beg leave to affirm, that the solemn +operations of nature are subjects of contemplation, not of ridicule. +Therefore I make it my earnest request to the merry fellows, and +giggling girls about town, that they would not put themselves in a high +twitter, when they go to visit a general lying-in of his first child; +his officers serving as midwives, nurses and rockers dispensing caudle; +or if they behold the reverend prelates dressing the heads and airing +the linnen at court, I beg they will remember that these offices must be +fill'd with people of the greatest regularity, and best characters. For +the same reason, I am sorry that a certain prelate, who notwithstanding +his confinement (in December 1723), still preserves his healthy, +chearful countenance, cannot come in time to be a nurse at court. + +I likewise earnestly intreat the maids of honour, (then ensigns and +captains of the guard) that, at their first setting out, they have some +regard to their former station, and do not run wild through all the +infamous houses about town: That the present grooms of the bed-chamber +(then maids of honour) would not eat chalk and lime in their +green-sickness: And in general, that the men would remember they are +become retromingent, and not by inadvertency lift up against walls and +posts. + +Petticoats will not be burdensome to the clergy; but balls and +assemblies will be indecent for some time. + +As for you, coquettes, bawds, and chamber-maids, (the future ministers, +plenipotentiaries, and cabinet-counsellors to the princes of the earth,) +manage the great intrigues that will be committed to your charge, with +your usual secrecy and conduct; and the affairs of your masters will go +better than ever. + +O ye exchange women! (our right worshipful representatives that are to +be) be not so griping in the sale of your ware as your predecessors, +but consider that the nation, like a spend-thrift heir, has run out: +Be likewise a little more continent in your tongues than you are at +present, else the length of debates will spoil your dinners. + +You housewifely good women, who now preside over the confectionary, +(henceforth commissioners of the Treasury) be so good as to dispense the +sugar-plumbs of the Government with a more impartial and frugal hand. + +Ye prudes and censorious old maids, (the hopes of the Bench) exert +but your usual talent of finding faults, and the laws will be strictly +executed; only I would not have you proceed upon such slender evidences +as you have done hitherto. + +It is from you, eloquent oyster-merchants of Billingsgate, (just ready +to be called to the Bar, and quoif'd like your sister-serjants,) that we +expect the shortening the time, and lessening the expences of law-suits: +For I think you are observ'd to bring your debates to a short issue; and +even custom will restrain you from taking the oyster, and leaving only +the shell to your client. + +O ye physicians, (who in the figure of old women are to clean the tripe +in the markets) scour it as effectually as you have done that of your +patients, and the town will fare most deliciously on Saturdays. + +I cannot but congratulate human nature, upon this happy transformation; +the only expedient left to restore the liberties and tranquillity of +mankind. This is so evident, that it is almost an affront to common +sense to insist upon the proof: If there can be any such stupid +creature as to doubt it, I desire he will make but the following obvious +reflection. There are in Europe alone, at present, about a million of +sturdy fellows, under the denomination of standing forces, with arms in +their hands: That those are masters of the lives, liberties and fortunes +of all the rest, I believe no body will deny. It is no less true in +fact, that reams of paper, and above a square mile of skins of vellum +have been employ'd to no purpose, to settle peace among those sons +of violence. Pray, who is he that will say unto them, Go and disband +yourselves? But lo! by this transformation it is done at once, and the +halcyon days of publick tranquillity return: For neither the military +temper nor discipline can taint the soft sex for a whole age to +come: Bellaque matribus invisa, War odious to mothers, will not grow +immediately palatable in their paternal state. + +Nor will the influence of this transformation be less in family +tranquillity, than it is in national. Great faults will be amended, and +frailties forgiven, on both sides. A wife who has been disturb'd with +late hours, and choak'd with the hautgout of a sot, will remember her +sufferings, and avoid the temptations; and will, for the same reason, +indulge her mate in his female capacity in some passions, which she is +sensible from experience are natural to the sex. Such as vanity of fine +cloaths, being admir'd, etc. And how tenderly must she use her mate +under the breeding qualms and labour-pains which she hath felt her self? +In short, all unreasonable demands upon husbands must cease, because +they are already satisfy'd from natural experience that they are +impossible. + +That the ladies may govern the affairs of the world, and the gentlemen +those of their household, better than either of them have hitherto done, +is the hearty desire of, Their most sincere well-wisher, M.S. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Bickerstaff-Partridge Papers, by Jonathan Swift + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BICKERSTAFF-PARTRIDGE PAPERS *** + +***** This file should be named 1090.txt or 1090.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/9/1090/ + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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