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diff --git a/old/10903.txt b/old/10903.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8308100 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10903.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2014 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Oct. 17, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Oct. 17, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 1, 2004 [eBook #10903] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, OCT. 17, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, +William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading +Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 10903-h.htm or 10903-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/0/10903/10903-h/10903-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/0/10903/10903-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +OCTOBER 17, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The mutiny of the German sailors at Kiel is now explained. They +preferred death to another speech from the KAISER. + + *** + +A Constantinople poet has translated the plays of SHAKSPEARE into +Turkish. The rendering is said to be faithful to the text, and it is +assumed that a keen appreciation of Turkey's military necessities +alone accounts for his reference to the "Swan of Avon" as the "Bulbul +of Potsdam." + + *** + +The use of flour as an ingredient of sausages is now forbidden. Young +sausages which have hitherto been fed on bread and milk must either be +broken to bones or killed for the table. + + *** + +An optimist writes to express the hope that by this elimination of +flour the dreadful secret of the sausage may be at last revealed. + + *** + +The German Government has created a Pulp Commission. We have always +said they would be reduced to it in time. + + *** + +The King of SIAM'S royal yacht has been turned into a cargo boat. +Reports that the Sacred White Elephant has been commandeered for use +as a floating dock are still unconfirmed. + + *** + +For giving corn to pheasants a fine of ten pounds has been inflicted +on a merchant of New York (Lincs.) The removal _en bloc_ of this +village from the mouth of the Hudson river to its present site should +finally convince the sceptics of the magnitude of America's war +effort. + + *** + +The Vacant Land Cultivation Society offers a prize of ten shillings +for the heaviest potato. Some of our most notorious potato-tellers are +expected to compete. + + *** + +The provision of steel helmets for the Metropolitan Police is all +right so far as it goes, but the Force is still asking why it cannot +be furnished with some protection for its other extremities. + + *** + +From China it is reported that an aboriginal priest now claiming +the Throne has been accustomed to eat the flesh of tigers, wolves, +leopards, &c., also the human heart. It is, however, only fair to our +own restaurateurs to state that, though China is alleged to be on the +eve of war, there is as yet no food-control in that country. + + *** + +An unusual scarcity of wasps is reported from various parts of the +country. Nothing is being done about it. + + *** + +A calf has been sold for two thousand seven hundred guineas in +Aberdeenshire. The plucky purchaser is understood to have had for some +time past a craving for a veal cutlet. + + *** + +A new form of frightfulness is evidently being practised upon their +guards by our interned Huns. "Some of them," says a contemporary, +"purchase a hundred cigars with a portion of the one pound a day which +is the miserable maximum they may spend on luxuries." + + *** + +"People who speak of suicide seldom do anything desperate," says a +well-known mental expert. So that the KAISER'S threat to fight England +to the death may be taken for what it is worth. + + *** + +An extraordinary meeting of German Reichstag Members has arrived at +the decision that the Germans cannot hope for victory in the field. We +see nothing extraordinary in this. + + *** + +Professor BERGEN was once described as "the well-known inventor and +philanthropist." He still invents (his latest is a gas-thrower, +reported by the _Berliner Tageblatt_ to be "a veritable monster of +destruction"), but has dropped the other job. + + *** + +A swallow-tail butterfly which escaped from the Zoo has been +re-captured at Eastbourne. When caught it gave the policeman to +understand that it would go quietly. + + *** + +Two men, we read, took twenty-two hours to chisel a hole through the +three-foot flint concrete roof of the London Opera House. The report +that they did this to avoid the Entertainment Tax has now been +contradicted. + + *** + +"The American Winston Churchill," says _The Daily Express_, "has to +plod through life without a middle name." We all have our little cross +to bear. Even the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS has to plod through life with +the knowledge that there is another Winston Churchill loose about the +world. + + *** + +It is proposed that Parliament shall sit from 10 A.M. to 5 P.M., +instead of from 3 to 11 P.M. We do not care for this crude attempt to +mix business with politics. + + *** + +The Boundary Commission Report advocates the creation of thirty-one +new M.P.'s. It will be a bitter disappointment for those who were +sanguine enough to hope that Redistribution would spell Reform. + + *** + +The Government has commandeered all stocks of rum. The rigours of war, +it seems, must be suffered even by our little tots. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Wit._ "AH, NOW YOU'RE FOR IT, ALBERT?" + +_Tractor-Driver._ "WOT'S THE MATTER?" + +_The Wit._ "WHY, YOU'VE BEEN AND GONE AND COME ON PARADE WITHOUT +YOUR SPURS."] + + * * * * * + + "The bridegroom, 6 ft. 35 ins. in height, was wearing the + full-dress uniform of a captain in the Army."--_Great + Yarmouth Independent_. + +He would need it all. + + * * * * * + +Headline to a description of a recent push:-- + + "VONDERFUL RESULTS."--_Evening Paper_. + +The "Hidden Hand" in the composing-room? + + * * * * * + +THE INNOCENTS ABROAD. + + ["Stedfastness and righteousness are the qualities which the + German people value in the highest degree, and which have brought + it a good and honourable reputation in the whole world. When we + make experiments in lies and deception, intrigue and low cunning, + we suffer hopeless and brutal failure. Our lies are coarse and + improbable, our ambiguity is pitiful simplicity. The history + of the War proves this by a hundred examples. When our enemies + poured all these things upon us like a hailstorm, and we convinced + ourselves of the effectiveness of such tactics, we tried to + imitate them. But these tactics will not fit the German. We are + rough but moral, we are credulous but honest."--_Herr DERNBURG, in + "Deutsche Politik."_] + + In Eden bowers, so fair to see, + There dwelt, when sin was yet to be, + A guileless Serpent up a tree, + Sniffing the virgin breezes; + Till EVE (the huzzy!), one fine day, + With evil purpose came his way, + And led that simple worm astray + By low and wicked wheezes. + + A Wolf there was, quite sweet and good, + Till in his path Red Riding-Hood + Went camouflaging through the wood-- + A brazen little terror; + Large teeth she had and bulgy eyes + And told the most amazing lies, + And taught him, in a flowery guise, + The downward route to error. + + Of Fritz's nature, fresh as morn, + Pure as a babe that's just been born, + Clean as a poodle lately-shorn, + These are symbolic samples; + The Wolf unversed in specious vice, + The Serpent with a taste as nice + As anything in Paradise-- + Debauched by bad examples. + + England seduced us. 'Neath her spell, + Mistress of lies, we fell and fell + Into the poisoned sink, or well, + Of faked and fabulous rumour; + And there, as we were bound to do, + We failed, because we loved the True, + And loathed the False as alien to + Our artless German humour. + + I speak as one who ought to know; + Myself I tried a trick or so + In U.S.A. and had to go, + Looking absurdly silly; + And now against us, big with fate, + That Hemisphere has thrown its weight, + Both North and South (though up to date + We haven't heard from Chili). + + Laughter we've earned--a noble shame! + Built to achieve a higher aim, + We honest Huns can't play the game + Of shifty propaganders; + Henceforth we'd better all get back + On to the straight and righteous track + And help our HINDENBURG to hack + (If not too late) through Flanders. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + + "Red heels were much in evidence, both Lady D---- and Lady C---- + affected them, and they were to be seen in other unexpected + places."--_Observer_. + +Certainly their use as ornaments in the small of the back surprised us +a good deal. + + * * * * * + +THE CARP AT MIRAMEL. + + [In the following article all actual names, personal, geographical + and regimental, have been duly camouflaged.] + +The carp that live in the moat of the Chateau de Miramel (in the zone +of the armies in France) are of an age and ugliness incredible and +of a superlative cynicism. One of them--local tradition pointed to a +one-eyed old reprobate with a yellow face--is the richer these hundred +years past by an English peeress's diamond ring. + +From the bottom of the moat one world-war is like another, and none +of them very different from peace. It is but a row of grinning red +healthy faces over the coping and a shower of bread and biscuit. + +When the nightmare of BONAPARTE was ended in the Autumn of 1815, the +22nd K.R. Lancers, commanded by an English peer, billeted themselves +in and around the Chateau de Miramel. The English peer, finding time +hang heavy on his hands, or my lady's letters proving insistent, sent +for her to come out to him at Miramel. You could do that sort of +homely thing in 1815. + +So my lady comes to Miramel, and the very first day, as she leans out +of window in the round tower, mishandles her diamond ring (gift of my +lord) and drops it into the moat. Her host, the good Comte de Miramel, +dredged and drained, but no trace of the diamond ring was ever found. +But old Cyclops, the carp, grinned horribly. + +In due course my lord and lady went home to the Isle of Fogs, and +thence they sent their portraits to their host as a souvenir of their +stay. Here indeed the portraits still hang, very graceful in the style +of the period. And to the appreciative visitor Madame de Miramel (of +to-day) shows a missive of thanks, written in indifferent bad French, +in which my lady refers sorrowfully to "_ma bague diamantee_." + + * * * * * + +Once again the 22nd K.R. Lancers are billeted in Miramel. The other +day I noticed on a worn stone pillar at the great door the following +half-obliterated words:-- + + "ED. WYNN, pikeman of the dashing 22nd King's Ryol ridgemet of + lanciers. Sept. 1815"; + +and freshly scratched above the inscription:-- + + "Better at piking than at speling. + 22nd K.R. Lancers. JAS. BARNET. Sept. 1917." + +The old carp seems to be right, and one war is very like another. +There is no radical change in the orthography of the 22nd King's +Royal Lancers, and some-one else's wall is still the medium for +self-expression. + +Old Cyclops must be throwing his mind back a hundred years or so. +There is a rain of bread and biscuits into the moat and a ring of +red grinning faces above the coping. Yesterday I threw a disused +safety-razor blade over the old scoundrel's nose. And "Bless my soul!" +he said, as he lazily bolted it, "there hasn't been such a year for +minnows since 1815." + +But Armageddon 1917 holds surprises even for those who live at the +bottom of a moat. For very early this morning a bauble fell into the +moat that Cyclops himself couldn't digest. The old cynic was found +floating, scarred belly upwards, on the surface of the water. + +The mess-waiter took charge of the _post-mortem_. Like the _Duke of +Plaza Toro_, he "likes an interment" and rarely misses a last rite. +A keen fisherman, he had little difficulty in extracting an exhibit +for the Court's inspection, which he unhesitatingly pronounced to be +a diamond ring in an advanced state of decomposition. + +The mess-cook, on the other hand, identified the relic as the +stopping, recently mislaid, from one of his back teeth. + +In any case there seems little room for doubt that a Hun airman has +avenged the long-dead lady. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENIGMA. + +POLICEMAN (_on duty at St. Stephen's_). "STAND ASIDE, PLEASE." + +MR. PUNCH. "WHAT'S HAPPENING?" + +POLICEMAN. "PARLIAMENT REASSEMBLING." + +MR. PUNCH. "WHY?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ex-Bus-driver (in difficulties in the roadless zone)._ +"'ERE'S OLE PICCADILLY UP AGIN--FAIR IN THE 'IGHTH OF THE SEASON."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +All the world has marvelled at "the irrepressible good humour" of old +Atkins. Every distinguished tripper who comes Cook's-touring to the +Front for a couple of days devotes at least a chapter of his resultant +book to it. "How in thunder does Thomas do it?" they ask. "What the +mischief does he find to laugh at?" Listen. + +Years ago, when the well-known War was young, a great man sat in +his sanctum exercising his grey matter. Ho said to himself, "There +is a War on. Men, amounting to several, will be prised loose from +comfortable surroundings and condemned to get on with it for the term +of their unnatural lives. They will be shelled, gassed, mined and +bombed, smothered in mud, worked to the bone, bored stiff and scared +silly. Fatigues will be unending, rations short, rum diluted, reliefs +late and leave nil. Their girls will forsake them for diamond-studded +munitioneers. Their wives will write saying, 'Little Jimmie has the +mumps; and what about the rent? You aren't spending all of five bob a +week on yourself, are you?' This is but a tithe (or else a tittle) of +the things that will occur to them, and their sunny natures will sour +and sicken if something isn't done about it." + +The great man sat up all night chewing penholders and pondering on the +problem. The BIG IDEA came with the end of the eighth penholder. + +He sprang to his feet, fires of inspiration flashing from his eyes, +and boomed, "Let there be _Funny Cuts_!"--then went to bed. Next +morning he created "I." (which stands for Intelligence), carefully +selected his Staff, arrayed them in tabs of appropriate hue, and told +them to go the limit. And they have been going it faithfully ever +since. What the Marines are to the Senior Service, "I." is to us. +Should a Subaltern come in with the yarn that the spook of HINDENBURG +accosted him at Bloody Corner and offered him a cigar, or a balloon +cherub buttonhole you with the story of a Bosch tank fitted with +rubber tyres, C-springs and hot and cold water, that he has seen +climbing trees behind St. Quentin, we retort, "Oh, go and tell it to +'I.'" and then sit back and see what the inspired official organ of +the green tabs will make of it. A hint is as good as a wink to them, +a nudge ample. Under the genius of these imaginative artists the most +trivial incident burgeons forth into a LE QUEUX spell-binder, and the +whole British Army, mustering about its Sergeant-Majors, gets selected +cameos read to it every morning at roll-call, laughs brokenly into the +jaws of dawn and continues chuckling to itself all day. Now you know. + +Our Adjutant had a telephone call not long ago. "Army speaking," said +a voice. "Will you send somebody over to Rataplan and see if there is +a Town Major there?" + +The Adjutant said he would, and a N.C.O. was despatched forthwith. He +returned later, reporting no symptoms of one, so the Adjutant rang +up Exchange and asked to be hooked on to Army Headquarters. "Which +branch?" Exchange inquired. "Why, really I don't know--forgot to ask," +the Adjutant confessed. "I'll have a try at 'A.'" + +"Hello," said "A." "There is no Town Major at Rataplan," said the +Adjutant. "You astound me, Fair Unknown," said "A."; "but what about +it, anyway?" The Adjutant apologised and asked Exchange for "Q." +department. "Hello," said "Q." "There is no Town Major at Rataplan," +said the Adjutant. "Sorry, old thing, whoever you are," said "Q.," +"but we don't stock 'em. Rations, iron; perspirators, box; oil, whale, +delivered with promptitude and civility, but NOT Town Majors--sorry." +The Adjutant sighed and consulted with Exchange as to who possibly +could have rung him up. + +Exchange couldn't guess unless it was "I."--no harm in trying, anyhow. + +"Hello!" said "I." "There is no Town Major at Rataplan," the Adjutant, +droned somewhat wearily. "Wha-t!" "I." exclaimed, suddenly interested. +"Say it again, clearer." "RAT-A-PLAN--NO--TOWN--MA-JOR," the Adjutant +repeated. There was a pause; then he heard the somebody give off an +awed "Good Lord!" and drop the receiver. Next morning in _Funny Cuts_ +(the organ of Intelligence) we learned that "Corps Headquarters +was heavily shelled last night. The Town Major is missing. This is +evidence that the enemy has brought long-range guns into the opposite +sector." Followed masses of information as to the probable make of the +guns, the size of shell they preferred, the life-story of the Battery +Commander, his favourite flower and author. + +The Bosch, always on the alert to snaffle the paying devices of an +opposition firm, now has his "I." staff and _Funny Cuts_ as well. From +time to time we capture a copy and read this sort of thing:-- + +"From agonised screeches heard by one of our intrepid airmen while +patrolling over the enemy's lines yesterday, it is evident that the +brutal and relentless British are bayonetting their prisoners." + +A Highland Division, whose star pipers were holding a dirge and lament +contest on that date, are now ticking off the hours to the next +offensive. + +The Antrims had a _cordon bleu_ by the name of Michael O'Callagan. +He was a sturdy rogue, having retreated all the way from Mons, and +subsequently advanced all the way back to the Yser with a huge +stock-pot on his back, from which he had furnished mysterious stews +to all comers, at all hours, under any conditions. For this, and for +the fact that he could cook under water, and would turn out hot meals +when other _chefs_ were committing suicide, much was forgiven him, +but he was prone to look upon the _vin_ when it was _rouge_ and was +habitually coated an inch thick with a varnish of soot and pot-black. +One morning he calmly hove himself over the parapet and, in spite of +the earnest attentions of Hun snipers, remained there long enough to +collect sufficient _debris_ to boil his dixies. Next day the Bosch +_Funny Cuts_ flared forth scareheads:-- + + "SAVAGES ON THE SOMME. + + "The desperate and unprincipled British are employing black + cannibal Zulus in the defence of their system. Yesterday one of + them, a chief of incredibly depraved appearance, was observed + scouting in the open." + +The communique ended with a treatise on the Zulu, its black man-eating +habits, and an exhortation to "our old Brandenburgers" not to be +dismayed. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OWING TO PRESSURE FROM THE ALL-HIGHEST, HIS ORIENTAL +ALLY IS FORMING A MAGIC-CARPET BOMBING SQUADRON.] + + * * * * * + +MORE SEX PROBLEMS. + +From a stock-auction report:-- + + "THE BULL CALVES. THE BULL CALVES." + _Glasgow Herald._ + +Notwithstanding the repetition of this statement we find great +difficulty in believing it. + + * * * * * + + "SOLDIERS' CHRISTMAS GIFTS. POSTING DATES FOR EGYPT AND SALONIKA." + _Times._ + +It sounds a little like consigning coal to Newcastle. + + * * * * * + + "AIR RAIDS.--Peaceful country rectory, Hampshire, well out of + danger zone, can receive three or four paying guests. Large + garden, beautiful scenery, high, bracing. Simple life. L10 + each weekly."--_The Times._ + +This enterprising parson seems to have borrowed his recipe for the +simple life from GRAY'S _Elegy_:-- + + Along the cool sequester'd vale of life + They kept the noiseless tenner of their way. + + * * * * * + +BEASTS ROYAL. + +IV. + +KING HENRY'S STAG-HOUND. A.D. 1536. + + Ten puffs upon my master's toes, + And twenty on his sleeves, + Upon his hat a Tudor rose + Set round with silver leaves; + But never a hunting-spear, + And never a rowel-spur; + Who is this that he calls his Dear? + I think I will bark at her. + + The Windsor groves were fresh and green, + Dangling with Summer dew, + When my master rode with his Spanish queen, + And the huntsman cried, "Halloo!" + Now never a horn is heard, + And never the lances stir; + Who is this that he calls his Bird? + I think I will follow her. + + To-night my master walks alone + In the pleached pathway dim, + And the thick moss reddens on the stone + Where she used to walk with him. + When will he shout for the glove + And the spear of the verderer? + Where is she gone whom he called his Love? + For I cannot follow her. + + * * * * * + +SECOND CHILDHOOD. + +I must make a confession to someone. I have wasted raw material which +is a substitute for something else indispensable for defeating the +Hun, and probably traitor is the right name for me. Let me explain. + +Somewhere in Nutshire there is a place called Cotterham. It is one of +those little villages which somehow nobody expects to meet nowadays +outside the pages of a KATE GREENAWAY painting book. There is the +village green, with its pond and geese and absurdly pretty cottages +with gardens full of red bergamot and lads'-love, and a little +school where the children are still taught to curtsey and pull their +forelocks when the Squire goes by. And beyond the Green, at the end +of Plough Lane and after you have crossed Leg-o'-Mutton Common, you +come to Down Wood, and if you don't meet Little Red Riding-Hood on +the way or come on Snow White and her seven dwarfs, that is only +because you must have taken the wrong turning after you came through +the kissing-gate at the bottom of Lovers' Lane. I am a native of +Cotterham, and in my more reflective moments I wonder why such an +idyllic place should have produced anything so unromantic as myself, +His Majesty's Deputy Assistant Acting Inspector for All Sorts of +Unexpected Explosives. Cotterham still has a large place in my +affections, and it gave me a considerable shock the other day to get +a letter from the Squire, who is an old friend, asking me down for a +week-end, and adding, "You can do a little professional job for me +too. You really will be interested to see what splendid work is being +done here in your line of fire. The output is some of the best in the +district. But there has been trouble lately and the leaders of the two +biggest shifts were found to have appropriated a substantial part of +the output to their own uses. I shall rely on you to straighten things +out and suggest the right penalties." + +So they were even making munitions in Cotterham. I conjured up visions +of interminable rows of huts, of thousands of overalled workers +swamping Plough Lane, trampling the Green brown, scaring the geese, +obliterating the immemorial shape of Leg-o'-Mutton Common by a +mushroom township, laying Down Wood low, and coming to me with some +miserable tale of petty pilfering for my adjustment. I must own I got +out of the train at Muddlehampstead and into the station fly feeling +distinctly low-spirited. It was some consolation to find that the +railway still stopped seven miles short of my village, though I +reflected gloomily that the place itself was doubtless a network of +light railways by this time. We bowled along in stately fashion up +Plough Lane and past Halfpenny Cross to the Manor House with its +thatched roof and Virginia-creeper all over the porch. The Squire +carried me off at once for the professional part of my visit, but we +fell to talking of fishing, which had been good, and cubbing, which +had been bad, and were on to Leg-o'-Mutton Common before I remembered +to speak of munitions. + +"Not much sign of war here," I said with a relieved sigh. "I was +afraid they'd have spoilt the dear old heath for a certainty. Only +don't say it's Down Wood they've gone to, for that'd be more than I +could stand. I thought there were fairies there long after I ought +to have been a hard-headed young man of six, and if they've gone and +desecrated that wood with factories--" + +The Squire smiled. + +"I don't think I should worry. Amongst all your Unexpected Explosives +do you happen to condescend to have heard of the gentle horse-chestnut +and the school-children that collect them? Here are the two +delinquents I wrote to you about, and we've caught them in the act. +Just look at them wasting the precious things." + +Two small boys were playing at conkers, two small boys with very +earnest faces and grubby clothes which never figured in KATE +GREENAWAY'S pictures, wasting precious material which five-and-thirty +other scholars were diligently collecting and stuffing into sacks. I +ought to have given them a lecture on patriotism--the army behind the +Army. But we each of us keep one childish passion untamed, even if we +are unromantic old bachelors, and I, His Majesty's Deputy Assistant +Acting Inspector for All Sorts of Unexpected Explosives and his very +loyal subject, who have lived for nearly half-a-century of Octobers in +London town--I borrowed the bigger conker and systematically and in +deadly earnest I fought and defeated the other small boy. + +They say that treason never succeeds; so perhaps I can't be a traitor +after all. + + * * * * * + +THE UNDISMAYED. + +In a world of insecurity and change it is good to have one bedrock +certainty upon which the mind can rest. Thrones totter and fall; +Commanders-in-chief are superseded; Admirals of the High Fleet are +displaced; in politics leaders come and go and reputations pass; in +ordinary life a thousand mutations are visible. But amid all this flux +there remains mercifully one resolute piece of routine that nothing +can alter. Whatever may be happening elsewhere in the world--mutinies +in the German Navy, revolutions in Russia, advances in France, +advances in Flanders--Leicester Square keeps its head. Armageddon +may be turning the world upside down, but it cannot cause those old +antagonists, STEVENSON and REECE, to cease their perpetual contest; +and if the War lasts another ten years you will read in _The Times_ +of October 17th, 1927, a paragraph to the effect that "at the close +of play yesterday in the billiard match of 16,000 points up between +Stevenson and Reece, at the Grand Hall, Leicester Square, the scores +were: Reece (in play), 4,676; Stevenson, 2,837." + + * * * * * + +NOT CANNIBALS AFTER ALL. + + "The first contingent of the American troops brought food for six + months, and hence the fears of the peasants in France lest they + should be eaten up are groundless."--_Adelaide Advertiser_. + + * * * * * + + "If the public continue to spend the same sum of money on bread + at 9d. as they did when it was 1s., it is easy to see that the + consumption will rise by a quarter or 25 per cent."--_Glasgow + Evening News_. + +We are always timid about questioning a Scotsman's arithmetic, but we +make the increase a third, or 33-1/3 per cent. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _He (connoisseur of wines)_. "WE STAYED SEVERAL DAYS AT +AN INN IN A LITTLE GLOUCESTERSHIRE VILLAGE, AS WE FOUND THEY HAD SUCH +AN EXCELLENT CELLAR." + +_She_. "REALLY! I HAD NO IDEA THE RAIDERS HAD GOT SO FAR WEST AS +THAT."] + + * * * * * + +CROSS-TALK WITH PETHERTON. + +Petherton and I have just emerged from another bombardment. Certain +correspondence in _The Surbury Gazette and North Herts Courier_ gave +me a welcome excuse for firing what I may term a sighting shot. I +wrote to my genial neighbour as follows:-- + +DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--No doubt you have seen the recent letters in the +local paper anent the remains of the old Cross, which are at once an +ornament to Castle Street, Surbury, and a standing menace to the peace +of mind of the local antiquarians. + +I am exceedingly interested in the matter myself and feel that the +views of one who, I am sure, adds a wide knowledge of archaeology +to the long list of his accomplishments, would be both interesting +and instructive to myself and (if you would allow your views to be +published) to our little community in general. + +If therefore you will write and let me know your opinion on the +matter I shall take it as a friendly and cousinly (_vide_ certain +eighteenth-century documents in the Record Office) act. + +Yours sincerely, + +HENRY J. FORDYCE. + +Petherton replied with a whizz-bang as thus:-- + +SIR,--I have read the idiotic correspondence to which you refer, and +am informed that you are the author of the screed which appeared in +last Saturday's issue of the paper. If my informant is correct as to +the authorship of the letter I can only say it is a pity that, with +apparently no knowledge of the subject, you should venture into print. +Anyone enjoying the least acquaintance with the rudiments of English +history would be perfectly aware that the remains have no connection +with QUEEN ELEANOR whatever. The whereabouts of all the crosses put +up to her memory are quite well known to archaeologists. + +Yours faithfully, + +FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I replied with light artillery:-- + +DEAR PETHERTON,--Yours _re_ the late Mrs. EDWARD PLANTAGENET to hand. + +Though not a professed archaeologist I do know something of the ruin in +question, having several times examined it and having heard, perhaps, +most, if not all, the various theories concerning it. I have been here +a good deal longer than you have, I believe, and cannot think that you +know more of the subject than I. + +Have you read Wycherley's treatise on the Eleanor Crosses? [I invented +this monograph for the purpose of inducing Petherton to reload.] If +not, why not? Perhaps you would like to dispute the existence of a +castle on the site where the Castle Farm now stands, and where such +shameless profiteering is carried on in eggs and butter? + +By the way, how is your poultry? I notice that your _seizieme siecle_ +rooster wants his tail remodelling. Perhaps you are not worrying about +new plumage for him till after the War, though it seems like carrying +patriotism to absurd lengths. + +Yours sincerely, + +HENRY J. FORDYCE. + +I hope you will allow your letter to be published in _The Gazette_. + +In reply to this Petherton discharged with:-- + +SIR,--I am not concerned with the castle, which may or may not have +existed in Surbury, nor am I interested in your friend's monograph on +Eleanor Crosses. Other people besides yourself have the impudence to +rush into print on matters of which they are sublimely ignorant. + +Perhaps I had better inform you that EDWARD I. reigned at the end +of the thirteenth and the beginning of the fourteenth centuries +(1272-1307), not in the fifteenth, and a very slight knowledge of +architecture would convince you that the Surbury relics are not +earlier than the fifteenth century. + +Trusting you will not commit any further absurdities, though I am not +too sanguine, + +I am, Yours faithfully, + +FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +My views are not for publication. I prefer not to be mixed up in such +a symposium. + +It was evident that my neighbour's weapon was beginning to get heated, +so I flicked him with some more light artillery to draw him on, and +loosed off with:-- + +Dear Old Man,--What a historian you are! You have JOHN RICHARD GREEN +beaten to his knees, FROUDE and GARDINER out of sight, and even the +authoress of the immortal _Little Arthur_ could not have placed EDDY +I. with greater chronological exactitude. In fact there seems to be no +subject on which you cannot write informatively, which makes me sorry +that you will not join in the literary fray in the local paper, as it +deprives the natives of a great treat. + +But--there is a but, my dear Fred--I cannot admit your claim to +superior knowledge of the Surbury relics. Remember, I have grown up +with them as it were. Yours ever, + +HARRY FORDYCE. + +Sir (exploded Petherton),--What senseless drivel you write on the +least provocation! Whether you grew up with the Surbury relics or not, +you have certainly decayed with them. Every stone that's left of that +confounded ruin (probably only a simple market-cross) proclaims the +date of its birth. Even the broken finial and the two crockets lying +on the ground expose your ignorance. Eleanor Cross, bah! + +Yours flly., F. PETHERTON. + +I thought it was time to emerge from my literary camouflage and let +off a heavy howitzer; which I did, with the following:-- + +Dear Freddy,--I am afraid you have got hold of the wrong end of the +stick and laid an egg in a mare's nest. [These mixed metaphors were +designed to tease him into a further barrage.] I did not write, and +I do not remember saying that I had written, the letter to the paper +which seems to have given you as much pleasure as it has given me. +I had no hand in the symposium, but the way you have brought your +Chesterfield battery into action has been so masterly that I, for one, +can never regret that you were misinformed. I believe the particular +letter to _The Gazette_ was written by one of the staff, a native of +the place, who probably carved his name on the base in his youth, and +has felt a personal interest in the Cross ever since. I hope with this +new light on the affair you will favour me with your further views on +history and archaeology. + +Yours ever, Harry. + +How lovely the blackberries are looking after the rain! + +But I couldn't draw Petherton's fire again, for his gun had been +knocked out by this direct hit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Excitable Lady (describing to wounded Tommies the +appearance of a bomb-hole on the London Front)._ "You could have +buried a horse in it. You never saw such a thing in your life!"] + + * * * * * + +SUGAR CONTROL. + +Thanks to the new sugar regulations we now expect half a pound of +sugar per head per week instead of half a pound of sugar per head +per-haps. + + * * * * * + + "HOGS STILL SOARING." + _Headline in Canadian Paper._ + +The shortage of petrol seems to have driven them from the roads. + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Hare declares that there is no truth in the statement + that he is saying '----' to the stage."--_Bournemouth Echo._ + +Personally, we never believed that he would be guilty of such +language. + + * * * * * + + "The only thing which will actually bring peace is an army of + occupation standing on its own flat feet, either in Germany or + on the German frontier."--_Weekly Dispatch._ + +But why this preference for the flat-footed? Are not the hammer-toed +to have a chance? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DANCE OF DEATH. + +THE KAISER. "STOP! STOP! I'M TIRED." + +DEATH. "I STARTED AT YOUR BIDDING; I STOP WHEN I CHOOSE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_. "I SAY--LOOK HERE. I TOLD YOU TO GO TO +PADDINGTON, AND YOU'RE GOING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION." + +_Taxi-Driver_. "ORL RIGHT--ORL RIGHT! YOU'RE LUCKY TO GET A CAB AT ALL +INSTEAD OF GRUMBLIN' ABAHT WHERE YER WANTS TER GO TO!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM. + +CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LX. + +_Mary._ I wish, Mamma, that there were not so many shocking stories in +history. + +_Mrs. M._ History is, indeed, a sad catalogue of human miseries, and +one is glad to turn aside from the horrors of war to the amenities of +private life. Shall I tell you something of the domestic habits of the +English in the early twentieth century? + +_Mary._ Oh do, Mamma; I shall like that very much. + +_Mrs. M._ The nobility and the well-to-do classes no longer lived +shut up in gloomy castles, but made a point of spending most of their +time in public. They never took their meals at home, but habitually +frequented large buildings called restaurants, fitted up with +sumptuous and semi-Sultanic splendour. In these halls, while the +guests sat at a number of tables, they were entertained by minstrels +and singers. It was even said that they acquired the habit of eating +and drinking in time to the music. They were waited upon for the +most part by foreigners, who spoke broken English, and what with the +babel of tongues, the din of the music and the constant popping of +corks, for alcohol had not yet been prohibited, the scene beggared +description. + +_Richard._ Well, I am sure I would rather dine in our neat little +dining-room, with our silent wireless waiter, than partake of the most +extravagant repasts in those sumptuous halls. + +_George._ I must just ask you, Mamma, about one thing that has all +along puzzled me very much. What was the House of Lords about all this +time that they let the House of Commons govern the country and have +their own way in everything? + +_Mrs. M._ I am afraid, my dear George, that you are animated by a +somewhat reactionary bias in favour of feudalism, which in your own +best interests you would do well to curb. It is enough to say that +some of the peers supported the House of Commons, and the majority +were too timid to make any stand against the numbers and violence of +the other House. Nowadays, thanks to the wide diffusion of peerages +and the fact that they are conferred far more freely on persons of +advanced political views, this lack of independence has largely been +eliminated. + +_Richard._ I am sure we must all thank you for the trouble you took to +explain about Free Trade and Protection; but if you are not too tired +will you kindly tell us something about the learned and clever men who +lived at this time? + +_Mrs. M._ You know, my dear boy, that I am always happy to impart +information, and am pleased to have such attentive listeners. The +authoress of your favourite poems, Mary, lived in this reign. I mean +Mrs. ELLA WHEELER WILCOX. The Rev. H.G. WELLS, the famous theologian +who abolished the Latin and Greek grammars; the Baroness Corkscrew--to +call her by the name under which she was ultimately elevated to the +peerage--who wrote so many beautiful historical romances that she +quite superseded Sir WALTER SCOTT; Sir JOHN OXENHAM, one of England's +greatest poets; and Lord HALL-CAINE, author of _Isle of Man Power_, +were commanding figures in this period. + +_Richard._ Oh, Mamma, did not Lord HALL-CAINE discover the North Pole? + +_Mrs. M._ Not that I am aware of, my dear boy, though it is quite +possible. But you are probably confusing him with the Arctic explorer, +Dr. KANE. Among the scientific men I must mention Sir WILLIAM +ROBERTSON NICOLL, the great Scots agriculturist who first applied +intensive culture to the kailyard; General BELLOC, the illustrious +topographer, and HAROLD BEGBIE, who discovered and popularized Sir +OLIVER LODGE. + +_Richard._ Ah, Mamma, I know enough about the Georgians to feel sure +that you have left out a great many things. You have never told +us about the Marquis of NORTHCLIFFE'S discovery of America, his +introduction of the potato to that Continent, and his building of +the Yellow House in the Yellowstone Park. + +_George._ And you have not fully satisfied our curiosity about Sir +GEORGE ROBEY, Baronet, Lord LAUDER, Sir CHARLES CHAPLIN and other +great Leaders of English Society. + +_Mrs. M._ True, my dear, but you must read their lives in the +_Dictionary of National Biography_, for here is the tea, and I +must leave off. + + * * * * * + +ALLIRAP ASRAS. + +It would be interesting to know more of this great Persian ruler, +but history being reticent our chance has gone, unless it should be +the good fortune of some member of Sir STANLEY MAUDE'S expedition, +rummaging in the archives of Baghdad, to come upon new facts. +Meanwhile I offer the name as a terse and snappy one for a Persian +kitten, such as I saw the other day convert several shillings'-worth +of my aunt's Berlin wool (as it is still, I believe, called, in spite +of _The Daily Mail_) into sheer scrap. Knitting however is not what it +was in the early days of the War and the tragedy led to no bloodshed, +my aunt, who has evidently an emulative admiration for Sir ISAAC +NEWTON, merely shaking her finger. But self-control among women +must be on the increase, for in a hotel the other day I overheard a +coffee-room conversation in which two cases were instanced of supreme +heroism under agonising conditions--one being when a butler (an old +and honoured butler too, who had never misconducted himself before) +fainted while carrying round the after-dinner coffee and poured most +of it over the ample shoulders of a dowager. This lady not only +disregarded the pain and the damp, but assisted in bringing the butler +to. The Distinguished Service Order has been given for less than that. + +It was either in this hotel or another that I met the Naval officer +among whose duties is the granting or refusing of permits to amateur +photographers in districts where "Dora" does not wish for enemy +cameras. Among the requirements of the form which has to be filled up +is one asking the applicant, in the interests of identification, to +specify any peculiar skin marks. One lady, with a conscientiousness +not excelled by the actor who blacked himself all over to play +_Othello_, stated that she had only an appendicitis scar. + +But I am digressing. Where was I? Oh yes, we were discussing that +great Persian, Allirap Asras. Those authorities who think that he was +a predecessor of BAHRAM, the hunter, are wrong, for there was never +any Persian of the name at all. I am sorry to have deceived you, but +you must blame not me but a certain domestic remedy. If one bright +cart, drawn by a mettled steed and dispensing this medicinal beverage +at a penny a glass, will insist upon being outside Westminster Abbey +and another at the top of Cockspur Street every working day of the +week for ever and ever, how can one help sooner or later spelling its +staple product backwards and embroidering a little on the result? + +But what I want to know is--who drinks sarsaparilla, anyway? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Vague Tommy (writing letter)._ "WOT DAY IS IT?" + +_Chorus._ "THE FOURTEENTH." + +_Tommy._ "WOT MONTH?" + +_Chorus._ "OCTOBER." + +_Tommy._ "WOT YEAR?"] + + * * * * * + + "What fine fellows we might have been had we lived in those bygone + times. We too, perhaps, would have influenced history and our + names might have been inscribed in the book of immorality."--_New + Ireland._ + +We understand now why they call it Sin-Fain. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LAMENTABLE LARCENY IN A BOARDING-HOUSE.] + + * * * * * + +A DECLARATION OF WAR. + + This is the yarn that M'Larty told by the brazier fire, + Where over the mud-filled trenches the star shells blaze and expire-- + A yarn he swore was a true one; but Mac was an awful liar:-- + + "'Way up in the wild North Country, a couple of years ago + I hauled Hank out of a snowdrift--it was maybe thirty 'below,' + And I packed him along to my shanty and I took and thawed him with snow. + + "He was stiff as a cold-store bullock, I might have left him for dead, + But I packed him along, as I've told you, and melted him out instead, + And I rolled him up in my blankets and put him to sleep in my bed. + + "So he dwelt in my humble shanty while the wintry gales did roar, + While the blizzards howled in the passes and the timber wolves at the + door, + And he slept in my bunk at night-time while I stretched out on the floor. + + "He watched me frying my bacon and he said that the smell was grand; + He watched me bucking the stove-wood, but he never lent me a hand, + And he played on my concertina the airs of his native land. + + "And one month grew into two months and two months grew into three, + And there he was sitting and smiling like a blooming Old Man of the Sea, + Eating my pork and beans up and necking my whisky and tea. + + "You say, 'Why didn't I shift him?' For the life o' me I dunno; + I suppose there's something inside me that can't tell a fellow to go + I hauled by the heels from a snowdrift at maybe thirty 'below.'... + + "But at last, when the snows were going and the blue Spring skies + were pale, + Out after bear in the valley I met a chap on the trail-- + A chap coming up from the city, who stopped and told me a tale-- + + "A tale of a red war raging all over the land and sea, + And when he was through I was laughing, for the joke of it seemed to be + That Hank was a goldarn German--and Hank was rooming with me! + + "So off I hiked to the shanty, and never a word I said, + I floated in like a cyclone, I yanked him out of my bed, + And I grabbed the concertina and smashed it over his head. + + "I shook him up for a minute, I stood him down on the floor, + I grabbed the scruff of his trousers and ran him along to the door, + And I said, 'This here, if you get me, is a Declaration of War!' + + "And I gave him a hoist with my gum-boot, a kind of a lift with my toe; + But you can't give a fellow a hiding, as anyone sure must know, + When you hauled him out of a snowdrift at maybe thirty 'below.'" + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +A GOOD DAY'S WORK. + + "He left Flanders on leave at one o'clock yesterday morning + and was in London after fourteen months' fighting before + sundown."--_Daily News_. + + * * * * * + + "Why can't we find machies for long-distance raids since Germans + can?"--_Evening News_. + +Personally, if distance is required, we prefer a brassie. We can only +assume that the iron club is chosen in consequence of the number of +bad lies there are about. + + * * * * * + +On the German Naval mutiny:-- + + "They may be divided into two camps. One holds that it is not + an affair to which too much importance can be attached; the + other that it is an affair to which one cannot attach too much + importance."--_Star_. + +We cannot help feeling that these two factions might safely be +accommodated in the same camp. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LONG-SIGHTED PATRIOT. + +_Aunt Susie (whose charity begins as far as possible from home)._ +"HAVE YOU FOUND OUT WHETHER THEY WEAR KNITTED SOCKS IN ARGENTINA?"] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"ONE HOUR OF LIFE." + +In Captain DESMOND COKE'S extravaganza a group of philanthropists +adopt the time-honoured procedure of ROBIN HOOD and his Greenwood +Company, robbing Dives on system to pay Lazarus. Their economics are +sounder than their sociology, which is of the crudest. They specialize +in jewellery--useless, barbaric and generally vulgar survivals--which +they extract from shop and safe, and sell in Amsterdam, distributing +the proceeds to various deserving charitable agencies. In this +particular crowded hour of life the leader of the group, a fanatical +prig with hypnotic eyes, abducts the beautiful _Lady Fenton_, with +ten thousand pounds' worth of stuff upon her, from one of the least +ambitious of Soho restaurants. + +How came she there, thus bedizened? Well, her husband, eccentric peer +with a priceless collection of snuffboxes and a chronic deficiency of +humour, had arranged the little dinner to effect a reconciliation, +away from the prying eyes of their set. It was not a success. She felt +that she sparkled too much, was piqued, and dismissed her lord. Enter +the hypnotic prig, who adroitly conveys her to his headquarters, +preaches to her and converts her to the point of surrendering her +jewels without a pang, and offering to assist in the lifting of the +snuffboxes. I can't say more without endangering the effect of Captain +COKE'S ingenious shifts and spoofs. + +The author seemed to me to tempt Providence by placing his perfervid +philanthropist and his serious doctrines against a background of +burlesque. But he succeeded in entertaining his audience. Miss LILLAH +MCCARTHY, looking her very best as _Lady Fenton_, and Mr. COWLEY +WRIGHT, looking quite plausible as the irresistible chief of the +General Charities Distribution Bureau, shared the chief honours of the +evening. + +T. + + * * * * * + + "The views expressed by Mr. Roosevelt are crystallising + everywhere, and are bearing excellent fruit."--_Daily Paper._ + +How does he get his sugar? + + * * * * * + + "Two million troubles are now standing to Koslovsky's account + in Petrograd banks."--_Rangitikei Advocate (N.Z.)._ + +We knew conditions were very trying in Russia, but had no idea any one +man had such a burden as this. + + * * * * * + +RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. + + There was a false Pasha named BOLO, + Who sank in iniquity so low. + That the dirtiest work + Of the Hun and the Turk + Never made him ejaculate _Nolo!_ + + There was a stout fellow called YAPP, + A great Red Triangular chap; + Now he's working still harder + To stock the State larder, + And never has time for a nap. + + The manners and customs of Clare + Have long been admittedly "quare," + But the tolerance shown + To sedition full-blown + Is enough to make CADBURY swear. + + Politicians unstable and vague + May well take example from HAIG, + Who talks to the Huns + In the voice of his guns + Till they dread him far worse than the plague. + + Renowned for her fine macaroni, + And also for Signor MARCONI, + Now Italy sends, + To enrapture her friends, + (And to finish these rhymes), the Caproni. + + * * * * * + +MISSING. + + "He was last seen going over the parapet into the German + trenches." + + What did you find after war's fierce alarms, + When the kind earth gave you a resting place, + And comforting night gathered you in her arms, + With light dew falling on your upturned face? + + Did your heart beat, remembering what had been? + Did you still hear around you, as you lay, + The wings of airmen sweeping by unseen, + The thunder of the guns at close of day? + + All nature stoops to guard your lonely bed; + Sunshine and rain fall with their calming breath; + You need no pall, so young and newly dead, + Where the Lost Legion triumphs over death. + + When with the morrow's dawn the bugle blew, + For the first time it summoned you in vain; + The Last Post does not sound for such as you; + But God's Reveille wakens you again. + + * * * * * + +SUGAR. + +"Francesca," I said, "you must be very deeply occupied; for ten +minutes I have not heard your silvery voice." + +"I am attempting," she said, "to fill up our sugar form." + +"Is it a tremendous struggle?" + +"Yes," she said, "it is a regular brain-smasher." + +"Give me the paper, and let me have a go at it." + +With a haggard face, but without a word, she handed me the buff form, +and sat silently while I read the various explanations and directions. + +"Francesca," I said, "you are doing wrong. It says that the form must +be filled up and signed by a responsible member of the household. Now +you can say that you're brilliant or amiable or handsome or powerful +or domineering, but can you honestly say you're responsible? No, you +can't. So I shall keep this form and fill it up myself in due time, +and leave you to look after the hens or talk to the gardener." + +"Anybody," she said, "who can wring a smile from a gardener, as I have +this morning, is entitled to be considered responsible. Infirm of +purpose! hand me the paper." + +"Very well," I said, "you can have the paper; only remember that, +if we get fined a thousand pounds for transgressing the Defence of +the Realm Act, you mustn't ask me for the money. You must pay it +yourself." + +"I'll chance that," she said, as I handed back the paper. + +"Now then, we shan't be long. Which of these two addresses shall we +have?" + +"How do you mean?" + +"Why, they tell you to fill in the address in capital letters, and +then they give you two to pick from. One is 1000, Upper Grosvenor +Street, W. 1--" + +"It is a longer street than I had supposed." + +"And the other," she continued, "is 17, Church Lane, Middlewich, +Cheshire." + +"Let it be Middlewich," I said. "Since boyhood's hour I have dreamt +of living in Middlewich. As for the other, I simply couldn't live in +a street of a thousand houses. Could you?" + +"No," she said, "I couldn't. We'll be Middlewichians.... There, it's +done. Capital letters and all." + +"Don't slack off," I said. "Fill it all up now that you've got +started." + +"I suppose I'd better begin with myself." + +"Yes," I said, "you may have that privilege. Put it down quick: +Carlyon, Francesca; age blank, because they don't want ages over +eighteen; F for female, and Married Woman for occupation. Then treat +me in the same way, putting M for F, and 2nd Lieutenant of Volunteers +instead of Married Woman." + +"Why shouldn't I put Married Man as your occupation?" + +"Simply because it isn't done. It's a splendid occupation, but it +isn't recognised as such in formal documents." + +"Another injustice to women. I shall enter you as Married Man." + +"Enter me as anything you like," I said, "only let's get on with the +job." + +"Very well; you're down as Married Man." + +"Now get on with the children. Muriel first. What about her?" + +"But she's away having her education finished." + +"Yes," I said, "but she'll be back for the holidays, and she'll want +her sugar then, like the rest of us. And Frederick is away at _his_ +school, probably getting much better sugar than we are. He'll be +wanting his ration in the holidays. You'd better put a note about +that." + +"A note?" she said. "There's no room for notes on this form. All they +want is a bald statement. And that's just what they can't get. They'll +have to take it with the hair on. I'm cramming in about the holidays, +and I hope Lord RHONDDA will be pleased with all the information he's +getting about our family." + +"Keep going," I said; "you've still got the servants to do." + +"Yes, but the kitchenmaid's gone, and I haven't engaged another one +yet." + +"Don't let that worry you," I said. "Write down--Kitchenmaid about to +be engaged. Name will be supplied later.'" + +"You're quite brilliant to-day. There, that's finished, thank Heaven." + +"Not yet. You've got to address it to the Local Food Office." + +"But I haven't the remotest where the Local Food Office is. It can't +have been there more than a short time, anyhow." + +"Hurrah!" I said, looking over her shoulder at the document. "It says +if you are in doubt as to the name of the district of your Local Food +Office you are to inquire of any policeman or special constable." + +"That's all very well," she said, "but how are we to find a policeman +in this remote and peaceful place? I've never seen one. Have you?" + +"Yes," I said, "I think I saw one last year on a bicycle." + +"Well, he's probably arrived somewhere else by this time. He's no good +to us." + +"No, but we might find a special constable." + +"I'll tell you what," she said, "old Glumgold is a special constable. +I heard him complaining bitterly of having been hauled out of bed +during the last air-raid on London. 'No nigher to we nor forty mile,' +he said it was. He's sure to be among the cabbages. Be a dear and dash +out and ask him." + +So I found Glumgold in among the cabbages and asked him where the +Local Food Office was, and he said he'd be gingered if he knew, he +or his old woman either; and that was the question they was a-going +to arst of us, because to-day was the last day for sending in. So I +advised him to chance it with Nebsbury, which happens to be eight +miles off and possesses a High Street; and then I went back to +Francesca and told her that Glumgold advised Nebsbury--which was +cowardly, but one can't spend a lifetime over a fiddle-headed document +like that. Anyhow, we folded it up and posted it, and we've heard +nothing since. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ECHOES OF THE AIR-RAIDS. + +_First Souvenir-hunter_. "FOUND ANYFINK, 'ERB?" + +_Second ditto_. "NO; BUT THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT. THEY'RE SURE TO COME +AGAIN TERMORRER NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Not for a great while have I met a story at once so moving and so +simply made as _Summer_ (MACMILLAN). Of course at this time the art +of EDITH WHARTON is no new discovery; but to my thinking she has never +done better work than this tale of a New England village, and the +wakening to love of the girl who was drowsing away her youth there. +It is all, as I say, so simple, and written with such apparent economy +of effort, that only afterwards does the amazing cleverness of Mrs. +WHARTON'S method impress itself upon the reader. _Charity Royall_ was +a waif, of worse than ambiguous parentage, brought up in a community +where her passionate and violently sensitive nature was stifled. Two +men loved her--dour middle-aged Lawyer _Royall_, whose house she kept, +and _Lucius Harney_, the young visitor from the city, the fairy-prince +of poor _Charity's_ one great romance, through whom came tragedy. You +see already the whole stark simplicity of the theme. What I cannot +convey to you is that secret of Mrs. WHARTON'S that enables her by +some exquisitely right word or phrase so to illuminate a scene that +you see it as though by an inspiration of your own, and feel that +thus and thus did the thing in fact happen. There are episodes in +_Summer_--for example the Fourth of July firework evening, or the +wildly macabre scene of the night funeral on the mountain--that seem +to me to come as near perfection in their telling as anything I am +ever likely to read, and when you have enjoyed them for yourself I +fancy you will be inclined to join me in very sincere gratitude for +work of such rare quality. + + * * * * * + +Those who admired (which is the same as saying those who read) that +excellent book, _The Retreat from Mons_, will be glad to hear that +its author, Major A. CORBETT-SMITH, has now continued his record in a +further volume, called _The Marne and After_ (CASSELL). In it you will +find all those qualities, a sane and soldier-like common-sense, an +entire absence of gush, and a saving humour in the midst of horrors, +which made the earlier installment memorable. Above all else I +have been impressed by the first of these characteristics. Major +CORBETT-SMITH writes from the viewpoint of one to whom even this +ghastliest of wars is part of the day's work. That he sees its human +and hideous sides by no means impairs this quiet professional outlook. +I recall one phrase in his chapter on the secret agents of the enemy: +"At the Aisne German spies were a regular plague"--just as one might +speak of wasps or weather--which somehow conveyed to me very vividly +the secret of our original little army's disproportionate influence +in the early weeks of the War. The operations which we call the +actual Battle of the Marne (surely fated to be the most fought-again +engagement in history) are here very clearly described, with +illustrative plans; while one other chapter, called suggestively +"_Kultur_," may be commended to those super-philosophers amongst us +who are already beginning an attempt to belittle the foul record of +calculated crime that must for at least a generation place Germany +outside the pale of civilization. For this grim chapter alone I should +like to see Major CORBETT-SMITH'S otherwise cheery volume scattered +broadcast over the country. + + * * * * * + +_June_ (METHUEN) is saturated with the simple sentimentality in which +American authors excel. I do not know whether British novelists could +write this sort of book successfully if they would, but I do know that +they don't. Miss EDITH BARNARD DELANO, however, succeeds in getting +considerable charm into her story, and if it leaves rather a sweeter +taste in the mouth than some of us relish there are others who like +their fiction to be strongly sugared. _June_, an orphan child, was +looked after by nigger servants, and by one, _Mammy_, in particular. +She possessed a house and a valley; and a young man prospecting in the +latter met with an accident and was discovered by the child. Hence +complications, and the removal of _June_ from her home to be educated +with some cousins. Then poverty, hard times and plenty of pluck. +But the clouds began to lift when _June_ discovered that an emerald +cross of hers was worth four thousand dollars; and finally the sun +burst forth when, through the agency of the accidental young man, +her property was found to be very valuable, and she more valuable +still--to the young man. It sounds ingenuous, doesn't it? But not +nearly so easy to write as it seems, for to produce anything as +artless as _June_ is an art in itself. + + * * * * * + +In _The Book of the Happy Warrior_ (LONGMANS) a chivalrous modern +knight holds up to our youngsters the patterns of an older chivalry +to teach them courage, clean fighting and devoted service. Sir HENEY +NEWBOLT claims that the tradition of the public schools is the direct +survival of the mediaeval training for knighthood, and incidentally +defends flannelled and muddied youth from hasty aspersions. ROLAND and +his OLIVER, RICHARD LION-HEART, EDWARD the Black Prince and CHANDOS, +DU GUESCLIN and BAYARD, if they revisited this tortured earth, would +be dismayed by the procedure and the chilling impersonality of modern +war. Perhaps in the glorious single combats of the Flying Corps they +might recognise some faint semblance of their ancient method. Sir +HENRY, rightly from his point of view, chooses to ignore the wholesale +horrors of to-day's warfare and to emphasize the ideal of fighting +service as a fine discipline and proof of manly worth. He shows an +obvious, honest, aristocratic bias, but he does not forget another +side of the matter, as a fragment of an imaginary conversation +between a young lord and a squire present at the great tourney at St. +Inglebert's between the Gentlemen of England and of France pleasantly +shows. The Englishmen were worsted and took their defeat in a fine +sporting spirit. "How is it we're beaten? We always win the battles, +don't we?" asks the boy. "The archers win them for us," says the +Squire. Quite a characteristic little touch of subaltern modesty! One +thought occurs to me especially. It is unthinkable that a book like +this should appear in the Germany of to-day. It will be worth your +while giving it to your boy to find out why. + + * * * * * + +Since the practice of writing first novels is becoming increasingly +popular with young authors it was inevitable that a "First Novel +Library" should find its way on to the market. Whether the +classification is to be construed as an appeal for forbearance for +the shortcomings of the neophyte, or as a warning which a considerate +publisher feels is due to the public, is not for me to say. But the +policy of charging six shillings for these maiden efforts--all that +is required of us for the mature masterpieces of our MAURICE HEWLETTS +and ARNOLD BENNETTS--is open to question. _The Puppet_, by JANE +HARDING (UNWIN), is not without merit, but the faults of the beginner +are present in manifold. The heroine tells her story in the first +person--a difficult method of handling fiction at the best--and in the +result we find a young lady of no particular education or apparent +attainments holding forth in the stilted diction of a rather prosy +early-Victorian Archbishop. The effect of unreality produced goes far +to spoil a plot which is wound and unwound with considerable skill. +Miss HARDING will write a good novel yet, but she must learn to make +her characters act the parts she assigns to them. + + * * * * * + +We all must be writing books about the War. It is natural enough to +suppose one's own share of war-work is worthy of record, and indeed, +when we come to think of it, the historian of the future will get his +complete picture of the time only when he realises how every scrap +of the national energy was absorbed in the one master purpose. That +being so it is arguable that Mr. WARD MUIR was thinking far ahead in +compiling his hospital reminiscences, _Observations of an Orderly_ +(SIMPKIN). One hastens to make it clear that the last thing intended +or desired is to disparage the usefulness or the stark self-sacrifice +of the men who are serving in menial capacities in our war hospitals, +but to tell the truth this account of sculleries and laundry-baskets, +polishing paste and nigger minstrels, bathrooms and pillow-slips, has +not much intrinsic interest about it, nor are the author's general +reflections very different from what one could supply oneself without +much effort. His notes on war slang are about the best thing in +the volume, and I liked the story of the blinded soldiers--feeling +anything in the world but mournful or pathetic--who played pranks on +the Tube escalator; but on the whole this is a book which will be of +considerable interest only to the writer's fellow-labourers. They, +beyond any doubt, will be glad to read this history of their familiar +rounds and common tasks. + + * * * * * + +_Wanted, a Tortoise-Shell_ (LANE) would have made an excellent short +story, but to pursue its farcical developments through three hundred +pages requires a considerable amount of perseverance. The scene of Mr. +PETER BLUNDER'S book is laid in tropical Jallagar, where the British +Resident was keener on cats than on his duties. A male tortoise-shell +was what he fanatically and almost ferociously desired, and to obtain +it he was ready to barter his daughter to one _Kamp_, who is tersely +described as "a fat Swede." I conceived a strong distaste for this +large and perspiring man, and can congratulate Mr. BLUNDELL on having +created a character odious enough to linger in the memory. For the +rest there are some gleams of real fun where a beach-comber tries to +palm off a dyed cat as the long-deferred tortoise-shell, and the exit +of this animal from a world too covetous to hold it is thoroughly +sound farce. But on the whole I failed to get many of those quiet +gurgles of delight which are the best tribute one can pay to a funny +man's work. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chairman at Farmers' Ordinary._ "NOW, GENTLEMEN, FILL +UP YOUR MATCHBOXES TO THE VERY GOOD HEALTH OF THE CATERER."] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, OCT. 17, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 10903.txt or 10903.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/9/0/10903 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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