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diff --git a/10923-0.txt b/10923-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ec9b8cd --- /dev/null +++ b/10923-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1871 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10923 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 10923-h.htm or 10923-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/2/10923/10923-h/10923-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/2/10923/10923-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +AUGUST 29, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Germany is a bankrupt concern, says _The Daily Mail_. A denial is +expected every hour from Herr MICHAELIS, who is Germany's Official +Deceiver. + + *** + +Much sympathy is felt in Germany for Admiral VON TIRPITZ, whose +proposed cure in Switzerland is off. His medical adviser has advised +him to take a long sea voyage, but failed to couple with the advice a +few particulars on how to carry it out. + + *** + +Patrons of the royal theatres in Germany who pay in gold can now +obtain two seats for the price of one. This is not the inducement it +might seem to be. The German who used to buy one ticket and occupy two +seats is almost extinct. + + *** + +A chicken with four legs and four wings is reported from Soberton. +Did it come from any other place we should receive the story with +suspicion. + + *** + +"New Labour troubles are brewing," declares _The Evening News_. The +chief Labour trouble, however, seems to be not brewing. + + *** + +One sportsman, says a news item, has landed seventy-seven pounds of +bream at Wrexham. It may have been sport, but it has all the earmarks +of honest toil. + + *** + +A man charged with smoking in a munitions factory told the court +he was trying to cure the toothache. A fine was imposed, the Bench +pointing out that the man was lucky not to have lost the tooth +altogether. + + *** + +As a means of preserving the memory of hero M.P.s, Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL suggests a name-plate on the back of the seats they had in +the House. We understand that Mr. GINNELL resolutely refuses to have +such a plate on the back of his old seat. + + *** + +Honour where honour is due. A man named KITE told the Willesden +magistrate that he had joined the Royal Flying Corps, and the +magistrate refrained from being funny. + + *** + +Light cars are now becoming very popular, says _The Autocar_. We +understand that they have always been preferred by pedestrians, who +realise that they make only a slight indentation in the person as +compared with the really heavy car. + + *** + +"Whatever else may happen," says a contemporary, "the final decision +as to Stockholm rests with the Government." Our contemporary is far +too modest. A few months ago the final decision would have rested with +the stunt Press. + + *** + +Portsmouth is to have three M.P.s, we read, under the Proportional +Representation scheme, though it is not known what Portsmouth has done +to deserve this. + + *** + +Something like a panic was caused in the City the other day when news +got round that no mention of Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL appeared in a +_Morning Post_ leader. + + *** + +A postwoman charged at Old Street Police Court admitted that she had +swallowed a postal order and a pound Treasury note. Some women have a +remarkable objection to using the ordinary purse. + + *** + +A woodworm in the timbering of Westminster Hall has been attacked with +a gas-spray by the Board of Works. The little fellow put up a gallant +fight and died bravely defending his third line trenches against a +vastly superior force. + + *** + +The Vienna _Neue Freie Presse_ says that so far £18,000,000,000 has +been spent on the War. But even those who contend that it might have +been more cheaply done admit that the notice was too short to enable +the belligerents to call for tenders. + + *** + +In a Brixton tramway car the other morning Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, it is +announced, had to borrow coppers from a companion to pay his fare. The +most popular explanation is that he had spent all his money in buying +the latest editions of the evening papers. + + *** + +According to the Acton magistrate, under new instructions boys over +fourteen must pay their own fines or go to prison, parents paying the +fines for those below that age. This class legislation is bitterly +resented by some of our younger wage-earners, who intend to insist +upon their right to pay for their own amusements. + + *** + +People living next door to a post-office where burglars blew open the +safe thought it was an air raid and went into the cellar. A suggestion +that signals, clearly distinguishable from those used in air raids, +should be used on these occasions, is under consideration in the right +quarter. + + *** + +The FOOD CONTROLLER has advised the Liverpool Corporation that +vegetable marrows are not fruit. There is a growing belief among jam +manufacturers that Lord RHONDDA'S business ability has been overrated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HINT. + +_Unsuccessful Competitor at the Allotment-holders' Show._ "I AIN'T +MAKING ANY COMPLAINT, MR. SMITH. BUT W'EN THE FUST PRIZE FOR ONIONS +GOES TO THE JUDGE'S BROTHER-IN-LAW AND THE FUST PRIZE FOR MARRERS TO +'IS WIFE'S GRANDFATHER, IT MAKES YER THINK A BIT, THAT'S ALL."] + + * * * * * + +CALLING A CAB. + + ["But how to get a cab without whistling--that is the + problem."--_Evening News_.] + +A very good plan is to purchase a camp-stool and sit down in the +Strand until a taxicab breaks down. When you are sure that the driver +is not looking step inside. + +Taxi-drivers are human, and if caught young can be made so tame that +they will take fares by the hand. + +An excellent plan is to make a noise like a road under repair. But be +careful that the driver does not make a noise like a cab going over a +human body. + +The essential thing is to interest the driver in your personal +affairs. If you see a car rushing along stand in the road. When the +cab pulls up, ask the driver if he would like to see your cigarette +pictures. + + * * * * * + +A HEAD CASE. + +We were discussing that much discussed question, whether it is better +to be wounded in the leg or in the arm, when young Spilbury butted in. + +"I don't know about legs and arms," he said, "but I know there are +certain advantages in having your head bound up." Spilbury's own head +was bound up, and we all said at once that of course the head was much +the worst place in which to be wounded. + +"It may be," said Spilbury. "But what I said was that there are +certain advantages in having your head bound up. That's not quite +the same thing as being wounded in the head. For instance, I wasn't +wounded in the head. I was wounded in the jaw. But they can't bandage +the jaw without bandaging the head, which I have found has certain +advantages." + +"I can't see where they come in," said Cotterell, "except so far as +personal appearance goes, of course. I won't say that that nun-like +head-dress doesn't become you. You look almost handsome in it." + +"It is extremely polite of you to say so," said Spilbury, "but I was +not thinking of that. I was thinking of Dulcie." + +There was silence for a space, and then Cotterell said, "If you do not +mention her other name, you may tell us about Dulcie." + +"I became acquainted with Dulcie" Spilbury began, "or the lady I +will call Dulcie--for that is not actually her name--while we were +quartered at a camp somewhere in England. Friendships ripen quickly in +war-time. I was signalling officer, and perhaps I signalled to Dulcie +rather more than I meant. I won't say I was wholly blameless in the +matter." + +"I shouldn't," said I. + +"I won't," said Spilbury. "After I went out we corresponded. But after +a little I began to see I had perhaps over-estimated my affection for +Dulcie. At the time I was wounded I had owed her a letter for some +time, I remember. When I got back to England I did not let Dulcie know +at once, but after a while she heard where I was in hospital and came +to see me. In the meantime I had met Daphne." + +"This is a highly discreditable story," said Cotterell. "I am sorry I +allowed you to tell it." + +"I won't finish it, then," said Spilbury complacently. + +"Yes, you must finish it now." + +"Well, I didn't quite know what to do about it. I had felt when we +were somewhere in England that Dulcie brought out all that was best in +me. I found now that Daphne brought out still more." + +"She must have been a clever girl," I said. + +"She was," said Spilbury, "but I saw that if they both tried at once +they might bring out almost too much. I had to act quickly, for Dulcie +was already by my bedside." + +"'Well, Reggie,'" she said. + +"I looked at her kindly but firmly. + +"'I think there is some mistake,' I said. 'I don't remember having +met you.' Then I pointed to my bandaged head, and added, 'I may have +forgotten. My memory isn't very good.' + +"Well, she chatted a bit about general subjects, and then departed. +I don't mind saying I felt rather a worm. Also I wasn't quite sure +that Dulcie couldn't bring out more that was good in me than Daphne, +after all. So I thought about it a bit, and then wrote and said I'd +remembered her now, and would she come again to see me? She wrote +back and said she would, and I must congratulate her as she was just +engaged to be married. That was a rotten day, I remember, because in +the afternoon Daphne came and said that she was engaged to be married +too. A perfect epidemic. But that's beside the point." + +"The point was, if I remember rightly," said Cotterell, "that it's a +great advantage to have your head bandaged. Have you quite proved it?" + +"No," said Spilbury thoughtfully. "Now you mention it, I hardly think +I have. But if my story acts as an example and a warning I shall be +satisfied." + +So as an example and a warning (though of what or to whom is not too +clear) I have recorded it. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL MURMURINGS. + +(_BY OUR ORCHESTRAL EXPERT._) + +The full programme for the season of Promenade Concerts which opened +last Saturday is, as usual, a most interesting document, and we are of +course glad to see that our gallant Allies are so well represented. +But it is the function of the critic to criticise, and we may be +permitted to express a mild regret that our native school, though by +no means excluded, does not make so good a show as its energy and +talents would seem to warrant. Our native composers are especially +noticeable for their wide range of themes, for the Celtic and Gaelic +glamour which they infuse into their treatment of them, and for their +realistic titles. We have drawn up a list of instrumental works +which illustrate these characteristics, but which are unfortunately +conspicuous by their absence from Sir HENRY WOOD'S scheme. As, +however, it is subject to alteration we are not without the hope that +some of them may yet be included in the list of works to be heard at +the Queen's Hall in the next six weeks. + +SYMPHONIC VARIATIONS. "Father's lost his collar-stud." _Hans +Halfburn_. + +KELTIC KORONACH. "Wirrasthrue." _Seumas Macdthoirbwlch_. + +FUNERAL MARCH OF A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR. _Nelson Wellington_. + +SIAMESE LULLABY for Sixteen Trombones. _Quantock de Banville_. + +FANTASIA. "Wardour Street." _Yokeling Ffoulkes_. + +MANX MEDITATION for Revolving Orchestra. "Laxey Wheel." _Bradda +Quellyn_. + +OVERTURE. "Glasgow Fair." _Talisker McUsquebaugh_. + +CAMBRIAN "SNEEZE" for Full Orchestra. _Taliesin Jones_. + +ORCHESTRA MUSINGS ON IRISH RAILWAY STATIONS. _Dermod MacCathmhaoil_. +(a) Stillorgan. (b) Dundrum. (c) Bray. + +BUBBLINGS FROM BUTE. _Diarmid Dinwiddie_. + +DITHYRAMBIC ODE. "The Belles of Barmouth." _Ivor Jenkins_. + +VALSE FANTASTIQUE. "Synthetic Rubber." _Marcellus Thom_. + + * * * * * + +_CHEMIN DES DAMES_. + + In silks and satins the ladies went + Where the breezes sighed and the poplars bent, + Taking the air of a Sunday morn + Midst the red of poppies and gold of corn-- + Flowery ladies in gold brocades, + With negro pages and serving-maids, + In scarlet coach or in gilt sedan, + With brooch and buckle and flounce and fan, + Patch and powder and trailing scent, + Under the trees the ladies went-- + Lovely ladies that gleamed and glowed, + As they took the air on the Ladies' Road. + + Boom of thunder and lightning flash-- + The torn earth rocks to the barrage crash; + The bullets whine and the bullets sing + From the mad machine-guns chattering; + Black smoke rolling across the mud, + Trenches plastered with flesh and blood-- + The blue ranks lock with the ranks of gray, + Stab and stagger and sob and sway; + The living cringe from the shrapnel bursts, + The dying moan of their burning thirsts, + Moan and die in the gulping slough-- + Where are the butterfly ladies now? + + PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + "No persons were injured and no houses were bit by the + bombs."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + +But they barked horrid. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CORNERED. + +KAISER (_having read Mr. GERARD'S German reminiscences_). "I NEVER SAW +A MORE ABOMINABLE TISSUE OF DELIBERATE TRUTHS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LIFE OF PLEASURE. + +"MOTHER, NURSE PUT ME RIGHT INTO THE VERY COLDEST PART OF THE SEA."] + + * * * * * + +THE BROWN CART-HORSE. + +"Brain-fag! That's wot we 'orses are suffering from. Ah! there's bin +a deal o' queer things 'appen since they women started on the farm! I +shan't never forget the first time one of them females come into my +stall. The roan pony, wot's got sentimental thro' being everlasting +driven in the governess-cart, sez she was a pretty young woman. +I never noticed nothing 'bout 'er 'cept the pink rose in 'er +button-'ole. I never 'eard tell of a farm 'and with a pink rose in 'is +shirt before. Maybe such carryings on is all right for they grooms an' +kerridge-'orses, but it ain't 'ardly decent for a respectable farm +'orse. So when this 'ere woman come along I up and 'as a grab at it. +D'ye think she'd 'it me? I never 'ad such a shock in me life, not +since I went backwards when the coal-cart tipped! Lor, lumme! if she +didn't catch 'old of me round the neck an' kiss me! 'Oh, you darlin'!' +she said, 'did you want me rose then, ducky?' I'm a brown 'orse, but I +tell you I blushed chestnut that morning. 'Course the roan pony next +door started giggling, and then she 'ad to go and kiss 'im, and that +settled 'is little game. + +"Well, then she come along with the collar. I need 'ardly tell you 'ow +often she tried to fix it on the wrong way round. There I 'ad to stand +with 'er shoving the blooming thing till I thought my 'ead would 'ave +dropped orf. Being a female, it took 'er some time before she thought +of putting the big end of the collar up first, but when she did I just +took and put me 'ead thro' and nipped orf 'er rose. 'If that don't +fetch you,' I sez, 'nothink will.' If that woman 'ad clouted me on the +'ead then, I'd 'ave loved 'er; 'stead o' which she calls out to 'er +pal 'oo was mucking round cleaning out the stalls with a broom-'andle, +'May!' she sez. 'Oh, do look!' she sez, 'this 'ere dear 'orse,' she +sez, ''as bin and ate my rose!' + +"Well, when we done all the kissing and that, she led me out of the +stall, and I promise you I was a sight! My bridle was over one eye and +my girths 'anging loose. Maybe that was my own fault; when she started +to pull in the straps 'course I blew meself out, same as any 'orse +would, just to give 'er something to pull on. 'Oh dear!' says the +female. 'Poor 'orse, this 'ere girth's too tight!' Any'ow, when we did +get to the 'ayfield she 'ad to fetch a man to put me into the rake. +Well, 'e told her 'ow to go on, and we moves orf. That wasn't 'arf a +journey! Wot with 'er pulling one way an' pulling another, I got fair +mazed. Arter a bit I stopped. ''Ave it your own way then,' I sez. Next +minute I 'eard 'er calling out like a train whistle to the bailiff, +'oo was passing. 'Smith!' she sez, 'this pore 'orse is tired!' And +Smith sez, 'Tired!' 'e sez; ''e's lazy!' And with that 'e fetched me +one. 'All right, my girl,' I thinks; 'you wait a bit.' + +"This 'ere field run past a railway, and when Smith 'ad gone I seen +one of the signals on the line go down. 'That's the ticket!' I sez, +and when the train come by I up and shook me 'ead. The woman didn't +say nothing, so I gives a 'op with all me feet at once. Still she +don't say nothing, and I couldn't feel 'er on the reins, so I done a +few side steps. And then she spoke, and this is wot she sez: 'Oh!' she +sez, 'please don't!' and started crying. + +"There's no vice about me, and when she begun 'er game I stopped mine. +You'd 'ardly believe it, but that 'ere woman got down orf that 'ere +rake and she come round to my 'ead and, 'Pore darling,' she sez, 'was +you frightened of the train then?' Me! wot's 'ad me life in the London +docks till I come 'aying 'long of the War. + +"Ah! I reckon the roan pony's right: You can't 'ave the larst word +with females!" + + * * * * * + + "For sale--A large stone gentleman's diamond ring, set in a solid + gold band."--_Cork Examiner_. + +The National Museum should not fail to secure this remarkable relic of +the Palæolithic Age. + + * * * * * + +From a report of Mr. HENDERSON'S speech on Stockholm:-- + + "The Prime Minister has been in favour again. What was a virtue in + May ought of this conference once, and he may be so not to be a + crime for us in August."--_Daily Dispatch_. + +The Stockholm atmosphere appears to be fatal to clearness of +statement. + + * * * * * + +SUAVITER IN MODO. + +Profound stillness reigned in the wardroom of H.M.S. _Sinister_, +broken only by the low tones of the Paymaster and the First Lieutenant +disputing over the question of proportional representation and by +the snores of the Junior Watchkeeper, stretched inelegantly on the +sofa. The rest of the occupants were in the coma induced by all-night +coaling. Into this haven of quiet burst the ship's Doctor in a state +of exaggerated despair. He groaned and, sinking into a chair, mopped +his forehead ostentatiously. The disputants ceased their discussion +and watched him intently as though he were some performing animal. + +"Gentlemen," said the Paymaster presently in tones of sepulchral +gloom, "the neophyte of ÆSCULAPIUS, to whose care the inscrutable +wisdom of Providence has entrusted our lives, is being excruciatingly +funny. Number One says it is belated remorse for the gallant servants +of His Majesty whom he has consigned to an untimely grave." + +"Poor jesting fool," said his victim, "little he knows that even now +Heaven has prepared a punishment fitted even to his crimes. I have +seen it--nay, I have spoken with it." + +"Suppose," intervened the Commander, "that you postpone this contest +of wits and let us have your news." + +"Certainly, Sir," acquiesced the Doctor. "It's Pay's new assistant. +He's ..." the Doctor paused in search of adequate expression, "he's +here. He is, I fancy, at this moment slapping the skipper on the back +and asking him to have a drink. He called me 'old socks.'" The doctor +shuddered. "Then he said he expected this was some mess; Naval messes +were always hot stuff. He wanted to spin me yarns of his infant +excesses, but I choked him off by telling him he ought to report to +the skipper. You'll have to look after him, Pay. That will give you +some honest work for a change." + +It must be confessed that at lunch the newcomer justified the Doctor's +worst forebodings. Afterwards the First Lieutenant and the Paymaster +had an earnest colloquy. Then the latter sought his new assistant; +he found him gloomily turning over the pages of a six-months-old +illustrated paper. + +"What do you think of the ship?" he asked cheerfully. + +"Rotten slow lot," replied the A.P.; "I tried to make things hum a bit +at lunch and they all sat looking like stuffed owls." + +"Ah, you'll find it different this evening after the Commander has +gone. Bad form to tell smoking-room yarns while he's here." + +Meanwhile the First Lieutenant visited the Commander in his cabin. + +"Very well," said the latter on parting; "only mind, no unnecessary +violence." + +"I understand, Sir. I hope it won't be necessary." + +The Assistant Paymaster had no cause to complain of lack of hilarity +at dinner. The most trivial remark was greeted with roars of +merriment. When the KING'S health had been drunk the Commander pleaded +letters and left the ward-room. Instantly a perfect babel arose. +Everyone seemed to be asking everyone else to have a drink. The +newcomer selected a large whisky. + +"Wilkes," said the First Lieutenant, "one large whisky, one dozen +soda, one dozen ginger-beer and two large bottles of lime-juice." + +"Large bottles, you blighter!" he yelled after the back of the +astonished marine who went out to fulfil this remarkable order. + +"Now," said the Junior Watchkeeper, when all the glasses had been +filled, "I call on Number One for a song." Amid vociferous applause +the First Lieutenant, clasping a huge tumbler of ginger-beer, rose +unsteadily. Without the semblance of a note anywhere he proceeded to +bawl "A frog he would a-wooing go." A _prima donna_ at the zenith of +her fame might have envied his reception. The Junior Watchkeeper broke +half the glasses in the transports of his enthusiasm. "Come along, +Doc," said the singer as soon as he could make himself heard; "give us +a yarn." With the assistance of his neighbours the Doctor placed one +foot on his chair and the other on the table. "Say, you fellows," he +said thickly, "jolly litl' yarn--Goblylocks an' Three Bears." + +Overcome, apparently, by tender recollections he was silent, and fixed +the walnuts with a dreamy stare. + +"Go on, Doc!" "Goldilocks, Goldilocks." "The Doc," said the Paymaster, +"was always a devil for the girls." + +"Pay," remonstrated the First Lieutenant sorrowfully, "that's the +third half-penny for swearing this year. You mean that the Doctor has +always evinced a marked partiality for the society of the gentler +sex." + +Punctuated at the more exciting points with breathless exclamations of +horror and amazement from his audience, the Doctor's rendering of the +story proved an overwhelming success. As he painted in vivid periods +the scene where Goldilocks was discovered by all three bears asleep in +the little bear's bed, the First Lieutenant broke down completely and +had to be patted and soothed into a more tranquil frame of mind before +the story could proceed. Then there was a spell of musical chairs, +the First Engineer obliging at the piano, and afterwards giving a +tuneful West-Country folk-song at the Doctor's request. The Junior +Watchkeeper, declaring his inability to remember anything, read half a +column from the "Situations Vacant" portion of _The Times_, and amid +the ensuing applause slipped quietly from the room in obedience to an +unspoken signal from the First Lieutenant. After the Second Engineer +had given an exhibition of what he asserted to be an Eskimo tribal +dance, the First Lieutenant addressed the Assistant Paymaster. + +"Now then, young fellow, it is your turn. D'you want to give us a +yarn?" + +But the boy had learned his lesson. "I'm afraid I don't know any yarns +that would interest you, Sir," he said. "If you don't mind I think +I'll turn in." + +The First Lieutenant smiled on him with the mature wisdom of +twenty-seven summers. "Quite right, my lad. By the way, you might +look in at the bath-room on the way to your cabin and tell the Junior +Watchkeeper that we shan't want the bath that he is filling from the +cold tap. I'm very glad we shan't." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Jack (_who has been bowled by a ball which kept very +low_): "BLOOMIN' U-BOAT TACTICS!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Voice from gallery (during grave-digger scene in +"Hamlet")._ "AIN'T YER GOING TO 'AVE NO PARAPET?"] + + * * * * * + + "Now is the opportunity for carrying out the recommendation of a + Select Committee in 1908 that there should be a common gallery for + men and women."--_The Vote_. + +A sort of Mixed Grille, in fact. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Upper Housemaid of two; wages £30; 5 maids; two ladies in + family; quiet country place."--_Daily Paper_. + +Who said our upper classes are not feeling the War? + + * * * * * + + "Required, very small nicely Furnished House or Cottage. + Bathroom and good private girls' school within easy walk + essential."--_Daily Paper_. + +There is nothing so invigorating as a little walk before one's bath. + + * * * * * + +_SEMPER EADEM_. + + A prisoner, Gunner Grogan, E., + To-day will be brought up to me + For impudence and sloth; + _Reveillé_ only made him sneer; + Aroused, he lipped a Bombardier + (And very natural--both). + + And I shall counter, with disdain, + His feeble efforts to explain + Or justify such deeds. + It will be funny if I fail + To twist young Gunner Grogan's tail, + That being what he needs. + + I know he isn't really bad; + Myself, I rather like the lad. + (And loathe that Bombardier!) + Beneath his buttons--none too bright-- + May lurk the spirit of a knight-- + A thwarted cavalier. + + For some who fought at Creçy, too, + Snored on or scoffed when trumpets blew, + And presently were caught; + And when the clanking N.C.O.'s + Came round to prod them, I suppose + They up and spoke their thought. + + Then they were for it; up they went + Paraded by the Prince's tent, + While he, to meet the crime, + Recalled the nastiest words he knew, + And learned the worst that he could do + From "K.R." of the time. + + And yet such criminals as those + Did England proud with English bows + As schoolboys have to read; + And Gunner Grogan would to-day + Prove every bit as stout as they + Should there arise the need. + + But just as heroes of Romance, + Who dodged parades with half a chance, + Were strafed--and mighty hard-- + So likewise Gunner Grogan, E., + Employed in making history, + Will do an extra guard. + + * * * * * + + "We are informed by the Right Hon. the Lord Mayor of Bristol + that his Lordship still has a supply of famous men connected + with the great war, and will be pleased to supply them to + applicants."--_Evening Times and Echo (Bristol)_. + +Will the PRIME MINISTER please note? + + * * * * * + + "A conference of the Ministers of departments concerned will take + place in London to arrange measures for their execution."--_Daily + Chronicle_. + +Anticipated comment from _The Mourning Toast_: "And quite time, too." + + * * * * * + + "Lord Lawrence, once Viceroy of India, said, 'Notwithstanding all + that English people have done to benefit India, the missionaries + have done more than all other agonies combined.'"--_Malay + Tribune_. + +Missionaries in the East have a lot to put up with. + + * * * * * + +A LETTER FROM THE FRONT + +ON A PURELY DOMESTIC MATTER. + +MY DEAR WIFE,--Yours to hand of the 10th inst., and contents, _re_ +son, noted. I observe that you are for the moment satisfied with his +progress, and that you feel yourself in a position to be able to see +your way to inform me that he is beginning to have and express ideas +of his own on all subjects. He shows himself a fine fellow, and you +have every reason to be as happy as it is possible to be in wartime. + +By the same post arrived the new uniform from Dover Street, London, W. +You will be glad to hear that Messrs. Blenkinson have done us proud, +managing to carry out your many suggestions without departing from +regulation. They make a fine fellow of me, neat but not gaudy, +striking in appearance without being offensive to the eye. Once more +they too have shown themselves fine fellows. We are all fine fellows; +my dear, you are positively surrounded on all sides by fine fellows, +and it would look as if, given peace, we are all together going to be +as happy as the day is long. + +So I thought at first blush; but are we so sure? The separate +ingredients are excellent; there couldn't be a better son than Robert +or better tailors than Messrs. Blenkinson. But how will they blend? +Mind you, I'm not daring to doubt the courtesy and tact of a single +Blenkinson; but these views which son Robert is beginning to form, +where will they lead him ... and us ... and the Blenkinsons? Again, +I'm not suggesting that Robert will ever go to such lengths in +view-forming as to dare to attack such an anciently and honourably +established firm as Messrs. Blenkinson; indeed, I could almost wish it +might fall out that way, and that they and I might continue, without +intervention, upon our present terms of mutual esteem and entire +satisfaction. If things stand so well between us, while I am but +young, claiming no higher rank or standing than that of Captain +(Temp.), how much more must we flourish when I have risen to those +heights to which we know I am bound to reach in my full maturity? +Against such an alliance even the youthful and vigorous Robert would +hurl himself and his criticisms in vain. No, I foresee a danger more +subtle and formidable than that. + +Some of the very first views that Robert forms will be on the subject +of clothes. His very desire to be perfectly dressed will take him to +Blenkinsons', and, when he has spent two hours trying on the very +latest, his desire to get me, at any rate, passably dressed will +induce him to say to Mr. Blenkinson, senior: "I say, can't you do +something to stop the governor wearing clothes like _that?_" + +Blenkinson, having long anticipated and dreaded this, will at once +hasten round to the back with the tape-measure; but Robert will catch +him when he comes round again and say, "I shouldn't have believed +that _you_ would ever consent to make such clothes as he insists on +wearing." + +Blenkinson perforce will smile that deferential and conciliatory smile +of his, which seems to say: "We entirely agree with you, Sir, but it +isn't for us to say so." + +Robert, blown out with conceit, upon being tacitly corroborated by +Blenkinsons in a matter of taste, will pursue the subject mercilessly, +until his victim is forced into some definite statement. Looking round +to see that he cannot possibly be overheard, Blenkinson, senior, will +be led by his too perfect courtesy to commit himself. "Well, Sir," he +will murmur, "we have on one or two occasions dared to hint that his +cut was rather out of date, and would he permit us to alter it in +some small particulars? But Sir Reginald" (or shall we make it "the +General"?) "prefers, quite rightly, of course, to decide these things +for himself." + +"'Quite rightly' be blowed," Robert will retort. "We know and he +doesn't. Can't you make him understand? You can sometimes get him to +be reasonable, if you stick to him long enough." + +Blenkinson will be quite unable to let his old and honoured customer +go entirely undefended or unexcused on so grave an issue. "We fancy, +Sir, that the General" (or shall we say "His Lordship"?) "understands +just as well as we do, Sir, but...." + +"But what?" Robert would exclaim, a little exasperated to hear it +suggested in his presence that I understand anything. + +Mr. Blenkinson, senior, will rub his chin, wondering very much whether +he is justified in allowing himself to go so far as to hint at the +truth in this instance. "But--er--well, Sir," will be extracted from +him at last, "we gather--er--we gather, Sir--er'm--her Ladyship +insists." + +I see Robert's face clear and I hear him say in quite a different +tone, "Oh, I'll soon manage mother for you." And off he trots home, +and in a week or less I have to adopt his ridiculously ugly, obviously +impracticable and damnably uncomfortable fashions--tight trousers and +high collars, no doubt. + +Yes, that's where Robert, and you, with your Robert, are leading me, +confound you both. It will be as bad as that; confound you both. + +"Don't speak like that, even in jest," you'll say brazenly. + +"But damme, Mary--" + +"And I certainly will not have my name coupled with that sort of +language, please." + +I shall appeal to Robert to bear evidence that I am the injured party, +and not you. Robert of course will stand by you, and you, worthless +woman that you are, will sink your identity and sacrifice your soul +and stand by TIGHT TROUSERS AND HIGH COLLARS. + +And I shall get red in the face (and at the back of the neck). + +And in the end I shall have to make good by taking you all out to the +most expensive dinner, theatre and supper possible--very nice for +you two, no doubt, but what about me in those infernal trousers and +collars? + +It will right itself in the end, for I cannot believe your reason +will permanently forsake you, even for that precious nut of a Robert. +Eventually we shall prefer, unanimously you and I, to slink about the +back streets, clothed in our own ideas, rather than promenade the +fashionable parts clothed in Robert's. + +Do you say to yourself that that supreme test, the sacrifice of +Piccadilly, Bond Street and the Park, is too much? Don't cry, darling; +it will never be as bad as that. And why? Because, according to that +incredibly stupid young man, Robert, Piccadilly, Bond Street and the +Park will then be the back streets, in which no decent people, except +out-of-date, old-fashioned fogeys like ourselves, would ever consent +to be seen. So it is really myself who is still alone. Yours, R. + + * * * * * + +LOVELY WOMAN. + +If the casual gods send inquiring strangers into my camp, let them +(the intruders) be civil, please, or at least be male. Citizens I can +at once wave away with a regretful _nescio vos_; foot-officers are +decently reserved in their thirst for knowledge of an essentially +Secret Service; but officers' wives-- + +I was growing to like the Royal Gapshire Cyclists (H.D.), my +neighbours in the next field, until last Friday, when they perpetrated +their Grand Athletic Tournament. Quite early in the day twos and +threes of subalterns, with here and there a company commander, +dribbled across with a diffident wish to be shown round the guns, and +round we went. By the ninth tour I was wearying fast of the cicerone +act, and hoping they would not mistake my dutiful reticence for +stuffiness. They had made me free of a mess that has its points. Then, +towards tea-time, She came. The Major, who brought, introduced Her, +apologised (not for bringing Her) and withdrew. He was due to start +the Three-Legged Obstacle Relay. She, on the other hand, was _so_ +interested, and _would_ I, etc.? Would I not! + +"Lovely woman!" thought I. "Fit soil for a romantic seed! Farewell +reserve and half-told truth!" I then proceeded to describe unto her +things unattempted yet in Field, Garrison, or High Angle Ballistics. +Her first question (pointing to the recoil-controlling gear of No. +2 gun), whether _both_ barrels were fired at once, gave me a cue +priceless and not to be missed. My imagination held good for full +fifteen minutes, and by the time we were ambling back to the fence I +had got on to our new sensitive electrical plant for registering the +sound, height, range, speed and direction of hostile aircraft. The +fluent ease of it intoxicated, and I was lucky not to mar the whole +by working in something crude and trite about the pilot's name. + +She departed, smiling radiant thanks, and I thought no more of it +until this morning, when Post Orderly handed me the following note:-- + +"DEAR SIR,--It was too kind of you to tell me all about your guns +the other day, and it was too bad of me to let you. I ought to have +mentioned that my husband is _the_ Colonel Strokes, of the High Angle +Ordnance Council. One of his favourite remarks is that the one woman +of his acquaintance who knows more about artillery than a cow does of +mathematics is + +"Very sincerely yours, + +"EVELYN STROKES. + +"P.S.--Do you by any chance write?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Recruit._ "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT HAVE THE GERMANS THE +SAME METHODS IN BAYONET-FIGHTING AS WE HAVE?" + +_Instructor._ "LET'S HOPE SO. IT'S YOUR ONLY CHANCE."] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +From a company's report:-- + + "Interim dividend on the Ordinary snares for half-year ended July + 31, 1917, at the rate of 10 per cent. per annum, less income + tax."--_Evening Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "A twelve-year-old boy was at Aberavon on Thursday sent to a + reformatory school for five years. He was charged with stealing + 5-1/2 6-5/8 Nbegetable marrows from an allotment."--_Western + Mail._ + +It is supposed that he intended to reduce them to decimals. + + * * * * * + +CRICKET. + +There is no truth in the rumour that spectacular cricket is to be +resumed. It is perfectly true that a section of the public who are +devoted to watching the game and cannot understand why, because the +nations happen to be at war, this favourite summer recreation should +be denied them, have been agitating for the Government to arrange +with the War Office to release all first-class cricketers now in the +Forces, so that they may be free to play matches at home. It is also +true that the Government, having refused to do this, subsequently, in +view of the arguments urged by a deputation of cricket enthusiasts, +agreed to do so, since it has always set its face against any pedantic +rigidity of purpose. But none the less no such matches will be played, +for the simple reason that the cricketers themselves refuse to come +back until their job is finished. + + * * * * * + + "Boots.--Save nearly 50% buying Factory direct."--_News of the + World_. + +On second thoughts we think we shall continue buying one pair at a +time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (as distinguished admiral enters)._ "BE +QUIET, FIDO, YOU SILLY DOG--_THAT_'S NOT THE POSTMAN."] + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF JONES'S BLIGHTY. + + There are some men who dwell for years + Within the battle's hem, + Almost impervious, it appears, + To shot or stratagem; + Some well-intentioned sprite contrives + By hook or crook to save their lives + (It also keeps them from their wives), + And Jones was one of them. + + The hugest bolts of Messrs. KRUPP + Hissed harmless through his hair; + The Bosch might blow his billet up, + But he would be elsewhere; + And if with soul-destroying thud + A monstrous Minnie hit the mud, + The thing was sure to be a dud + If only Jones was there. + + Men envied him his scatheless skin, + But he deplored the fact, + And day by day, from sheer chagrin, + He did some dangerous act; + He slew innumerable Huns, + He captured towns, he captured guns; + His friends went home with Blighty ones, + But he remained intact. + + We had a horse of antique shape, + Mild and of mellowed age, + And, after some unique escape, + Which made him mad with rage, + On this grave steed Jones rode away... + They bore him back at break of day, + And Jones is now with Mrs. J.-- + The convalescent stage. + + The world observed the chance was droll + That sent so mild a hack + To smite the invulnerable soul + Whom WILLIAM could not whack; + But spiteful folk remarked, of course, + He must have used terrific force + Before he got that wretched horse + To throw him off its back. + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Many coolies of the savage tribes from the hilly places, who have + been enlisted for the labour corps, were seen passing this town by + train lately. Some had too few clothes. Our late Chief Secretary, + the Hon'ble Mr. ----, was seen among them."--_Times of Assam_. + + * * * * * + + "All can sympathise with Mr. ---- and his teetotal party in + deploring the excesses of 'liquor' of any description, and the + vice, want and misery it brings in its course. But we cannot for a + single moment listen to their selfish and pitiful beatings, when + we know that if their methods were carried out through the land + it would people our beloved country with a virile race of effete + degenerates."--_Provincial Paper_. + +"Virile" is good, and should encourage the teetotalers to proceed with +their "beatings." + + * * * * * + +GERMAN CAVALRY IN (AND OUT OF) ACTION. + + "'Polybe,' writing in the _Figaro_, estimates the German losses at + 20,000 horse de combat on the first day of the battle."--_Local + Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Following the Franco-German war an epidemic of smallpox raged + throughout Europe, which was not checked until Jenner's famous + vaccination discovery."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +It is sad to think that JENNER's discovery, made in 1796, should have +remained dormant till after 1870. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Gerard's reminiscences have caused much perturbation in + German Court circles."--_Daily Paper_. + + Little scraps of paper, + Little drops of ink + Make the KAISER caper + And the Nations think. + + * * * * * + + "A money prize offered to boys at Barcombe, Suxxes, for + killing cabbage butterflies resulted in over 4,000 insects + being destroyed. The winner, Victor King, accounted for + 1,395."--_Liverpool Echo_. + +We congratulate him on his Suxxes. + + * * * * * + + "One new thing he [Mr. HENDERSON] disclosed was that in his + pervious statement that carried the Conference to the Stockholm + vote, &c."--_Daily Mail_. + +As "pervious," according to WEBSTER, means "capable of being seen +through," we think the printer is to be congratulated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BREAKING IT UP.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Member of Committee (interviewing candidate for +training for farm work)_. "AND ARE YOU FOND OF ANIMALS--HORSES +AND COWS?" + +_Candidate_. "WELL, NO--NOT VERY." + +_Member of Committee_. "BUT I'M AFRAID THAT'S RATHER NECESSARY." + +_Candidate (brightly resolute)_. "OH, BUT I SHOULD TRY NOT TO THINK +ABOUT THEM."] + + * * * * * + +AN IDEAL MEDICAL BOARD. + +(_A DREAM OF THE FUTURE_.) + +I was due to go in front of the local Medical Board next morning, +and I was seeking distraction in the evening paper. Suddenly my eye +was caught by the headlines announcing the transfer of recruiting +arrangements from the Military to the Civil authorities. This promised +to be interesting. + +All at once the room grew misty, and when the atmosphere cleared again +I found myself in the open street. Before me was a palatial building +with the words "_Medical Board_" carved on a marble slab over the main +entrance. + +I entered, and was immediately confronted by a liveried janitor who +bowed obsequiously. + +"I have come to be medically examined," I explained. + +"Yes, Sir," he replied. "Will you be good enough to wait one moment, +Sir, while I settle with your taxi-driver, and then I will take you to +the waiting-room, Sir." + +"I have no taxi," I said. "I just walked." + +An expression of concern passed across his face. + +"Oh, you shouldn't have done that, Sir. The Authorities don't like it. +There is a special fund for such expenses, you know, Sir. Will you +please come this way, Sir?" + +I followed him along the corridor, and was shown into a luxurious +apartment overlooking a pleasant garden. The janitor placed an easy +chair in position for me, handed me a copy of _Punch_, and brought me +a glass of wine and some biscuits. + +"Now, Sir, if you will give me your papers I will send them up to the +Board." + +I handed the packet to him, and he left the room. + +A few minutes later a message-girl entered. + +"Are you Mr. Smith?" she inquired. + +I confessed that I was, upon which she handed me a sealed envelope. I +opened it, and found a letter and a cheque for five pounds. The letter +ran as follows:-- + +"SIR,--The above-named Medical Board regrets its inability to examine +you to-day. As you are no doubt aware, it is contrary to its rule to +examine more than three persons in one day, and an unusually difficult +case, held over from yesterday, has upset all its arrangements. + +"The Board would consider it a favour if you could make it convenient +to call again to-morrow morning at the same time. + +"The enclosed cheque is intended to compensate you for the unnecessary +trouble to which you have been put. + +"Your obedient Servants ----" + +Punctually at the time appointed I again entered the building, and was +met by the same janitor. + +"The Board is quite ready for you, Sir," he said. "Will you please +ascend to the dressing-room, Sir?" + +He committed me to the care of a lift-girl, who conveyed me to the +second storey. Here I was handed over to a smart valet, who assisted +me to undress in a comfortable little apartment replete with every +convenience. + +Having donned a warm dressing-gown, I was conducted to the Board Room, +where I found a dozen of our greatest Specialists assembled. The +President shook hands and greeted me effusively. Then I passed in turn +from one Doctor to another, each making, with the utmost delicacy and +consideration, a thorough examination of that part of my anatomy on +which he was an acknowledged expert. + +When this was over I was invited to retire to the dressing-room and +resume my garments while the Board held a protracted consultation on +my case. On returning to the Board Room I was provided with a seat, +and the President addressed me. + +"Well, Mr. Smith, we can find nothing constitutionally wrong with you. +But tell me, have you ever had any serious illness?" + +I shook my head. I had always been abnormally healthy. + +"Think carefully," he urged. "We don't want to pass you as fit if we +can help it." + +He seemed so anxious that I felt ashamed to disappoint him. + +"Well," I replied, "the only thing I can call to mind is that, +according to my mother, I had a severe teething rash when I was ten +months old." + +As I uttered these words the faces of all became suddenly grave. + +"That is quite enough, Mr. Smith," said the President. "You are given +total exemption. You should never have been brought here at all, but I +am sure you will realise that in times of national emergency mistakes +of this nature are bound to occur. If you will apply to the Cashier on +your way out he will give you a draft for twenty pounds, to reimburse +you in some small way for the loss of your valuable time. Good-bye!" + +He held out his hand, but before I could grasp it a mist again +enveloped me, from which I emerged upon the dreadful facts of life. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Employer._ "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" + +_Old Operative._ "'AVING ME 'AIR CUT." + +_Employer._ "WHAT, IN _MY_ TIME?" + +_Old Operative._ "WELL, IT GREW IN YOUR TIME."] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION + +VI. + +BALLAD OF THE POTATO. + + Above three hundred years ago + To Britain's shores there came + An immigrant of lineage low-- + Sol Tuberose his name. + + He settled down in mean estate, + Despised on every side, + Until at last he waxéd great, + Grew rich and multiplied. + + Now none so popular as he; + To every house he goes, + At every table he must be-- + The great Sol Tuberose! + + In time of war he proves his worth + He helps us everywhere; + There's nothing on (or in) this earth + That can with him compare. + + Not the great LLOYD could save the land + Except for mighty Sol; + For he is Bread's twin-brother--and + He gives us Alcohol; + + Not such as fills the toper's tum, + But such as fills the shell-- + Such as will be in days to come + Heat, light, and pow'r as well. + + Yes, in the spacious days to come + We'll bless Sol Tuberose, + When all our motor engines hum + On what the farmer grows. + + Then cultivate him all you can, + With him and his stand well in; + There's one that is a _Nobleman_, + There's one _Sir John Llewellyn_. + + There's one that is a _British Queen_, + There's one a dwarf, _Ashleaf_, + There's one that is a plain _Colleen_, + There's one an _Arran Chief_. + + He'll serve us if we do him well + (Last year he failed our foes). + Oh, who can all the praises tell + Of good Sol Tuberose! + + W.B. + + * * * * * + +THE REVENANT. + + "CAPTAIN STANLEY WILSON'S RETURN HOME. + + "CHEERFUL AND WELL AFTER LONG INTERMENT."--_Yorkshire Post_. + + * * * * * + + "Gentleman, 30, offers 10/- weekly, own laundry, and help with + children, refined country home. No needlework."--_The Lady_. + +Slacker! + + * * * * * + +Letter sent by a soldier's wife to the Army Pay Department:-- + + "I am sending you my marage sertificate and six children there + were seven but won died. You only sent six back her name was fanny + and was baptised on a half sheet of paper by the reverend Thomas." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (on leave)._ "SO YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, PETER?" + +_Peter._ "YES, SIR--AN' I'M GOIN' TO SEE ANOTHER CHRISTMAS, SIR. YOU +SEE, SIR, I'VE ALWAYS NOTICED THAT WHEN I LIVE THROUGH THE MONTH OF +AUGUST I LIVE OUT THE WHOLE YEAR."] + + * * * * * + +A CENTENARY. + +JOHN LEECH. + +_BORN AUGUST 29TH_, 1817. + +I.--TO OUR GREATEST CONTRIBUTOR. + + JOHN LEECH, a hundred years ago, + When you were born and after, + There shone a sort of kindly glow + Of airy fun and laughter; + It was a sound that seemed to sing, + A universal humming + That made the echoing rafters ring + And so proclaimed your coming. + + It was not noted at the time: + I was not there to note it, + But now I set it down in rhyme + That other men may quote it + And still maintain the thing is true, + Defying Wisdom's strictures, + And lose all doubt by looking through + A book of LEECH'S pictures. + + You drew our English country-folk + As many others saw them-- + The simple life, the simple joke, + But only you could draw them; + The warp and woof of country joys + In green and pleasant places; + The mischievous and merry boys, + The girls with shining faces. + + The Squires, the Centaurs of the chase + And all the chase's patrons, + Each in his own, his ordered place; + The comfortable matrons-- + These were your stuff, and these your skill + Consigned to future ages, + And caught and set them down at will + In Mr. Punch's pages. + + Besides, you bound us to your praise + With many strong indentures + By limning Mr. Briggs, his ways + And countless misadventures. + For these and many a hundred more, + Far as our voice can reach, Sir, + We send it out from shore to shore, + And bless your name, JOHN LEECH, Sir. + + R.C.L. + +II.--HISTORIAN AND PROPHET. + +A hundred years ago to the very day was JOHN LEECH born. Mr. Punch +came into the world on July 17th, 1841, and was thus twenty-four years +younger. But in spite of any disparity in age the two great men were +made for each other. JOHN LEECH without Mr. Punch would still have +spread delight, for did he not illustrate those _Handley Cross_ novels +which his friend THACKERAY said he would rather have written than any +of his own books? But to think of Mr. Punch without JOHN LEECH is, +as the Irishman said, unthinkable. From the third volume, when LEECH +got really into his stride, until his lamented early death in 1864, +LEECH'S genius was at the service of his young friend: his quick +perceptive kindly eyes ever vigilant for humorous incident, his +ears alert for humorous sayings, and his hand translating all into +pictorial drama and by a sure and benign instinct seizing always upon +the happiest moment. + +His three monumental volumes called _Pictures of Life and Character_ +constitute a truer history of the English people in the middle of +the last century than any author could have composed: history made +gay with laughter, but history none the less. And this leaves out of +account altogether the artist's work as a cartoonist, where he often +exceeded the duty of the historian, and not only recorded the course +of events but actually influenced it. + +To influence the course of events was however far from being this +simple gentleman's ambition. What he chiefly wished was to enable +others to share his own enjoyment in the fun and foibles of a world +in which it is better to be cheerful than sad, and, in the process of +passing on his amusement, to earn a sufficient livelihood to enable +him to pay his way and now and then be free to follow the hounds. + +All these praises he would probably wish unsaid, so modest and +unassuming was he. Let us therefore stop and merely draw attention to +the two pages of his drawings which follow, each of which shows JOHN +LEECH in the light of a prophet. + + * * * * * + +ANTICIPATIONS BY JOHN LEECH. + +[Illustration: ONE OF THE RIGHT SORT. + +_Grandmamma_. "WHAT _CAN_ YOU WANT, ARTHUR, TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL SO +PARTICULARLY ON MONDAY FOR? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO STAY WITH US +TILL THE END OF THE WEEK!" + +_Arthur_. "WHY, YOU SEE, GRAN'MA--WE ARE GOING TO ELECT OFFICERS FOR +OUR RIFLE CORPS ON MONDAY, AND I DON'T LIKE TO BE OUT OF IT!" + +_"Punch," June 30, 1860._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR SPECIALS. + +_Special's Wife_. "CONTRARY TO REGULATIONS, INDEED! FIDDLESTICKS! I +MUST _INSIST_, FREDERICK, UPON YOUR TAKING THIS HOT BRANDY-AND-WATER. +I SHALL BE HAVING YOU LAID UP NEXT, AND NOT FIT FOR ANYTHING." + +_"Punch," April 22, 1848._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CURIOUS ECHO AT A RAILWAY STATION. + +_Traveller_. "PORTER! PORTER!" + +_Echo_. "DON'T YOU WISH YOU MAY GET HIM?" + +_"Punch," October 19, 1861._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RIGHT MEN IN THE RIGHT PLACE; VIZ., A CLUB WINDOW. + +_Old General Muddle_. "WHAT I SAY, IS--IS--EH? WHAT? BY JOVE! WHAT THE +DOOCE SHOULD CIVILIANS KNOW ABOUT--EH? WHAT--AHEM!--MILITARY AFFAIRS! +AFFAIRS! EH?" + +_Colonel Splutter_. "HAH! THE PRESS, SIR! BY JOVE, THE PRESS IS THE +CURSE OF THE COUNTRY, AND WILL BE THE RUIN OF THE ARMY! BY JOVE, I'D +HANG ALL LITTERY MEN--HANG 'EM, SIR!" + +_"Punch," February 27, 1858._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WELL INTENDED, NO DOUBT. + +_Quaker to British Lion_. "THERE, FRIEND! NOW LET ME PUT AWAY THOSE +DANGEROUS VANITIES!" + +_"Punch," November 20, 1852._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTRESSED AGRICULTURIST. + +_Landlord_. "WELL, MR. SPRINGWHEAT, ACCORDING TO THE PAPERS, THERE +SEEMS TO BE A PROBABILITY OF A CESSATION OF HOSTILITIES." + +_Tenant (who strongly approves of War prices)_. "GOODNESS, GRACIOUS! +WHY, YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY THAT THERE'S ANY _DANGER OF PEACE_!" + +_"Punch," February 2, 1856._] + + * * * * * + +ANTICIPATIONS BY JOHN LEECH. + +[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY FEMALE. + +_Father of the Family_. "COME, DEAR; WE SO SELDOM GO OUT TOGETHER +NOW--CAN'T YOU TAKE US ALL TO THE PLAY TO-NIGHT?" + +_Mistress of the House and M.P._ "HOW YOU TALK, CHARLES! DON'T YOU SEE +THAT I AM TOO BUSY? I HAVE A COMMITTEE TOMORROW MORNING, AND I HAVE MY +SPEECH ON THE GREAT CROCHET QUESTION TO PREPARE FOR THE EVENING." + +_"Punch's Almanack" for 1853._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN ASTONISHING REQUEST. + +_Fast young lady (to old gent)_. "HAVE YOU SUCH A THING AS A LUCIFER +ABOUT YOU, FOR I'VE LEFT MY CIGAR-LIGHTS AT HOME?" + +[_"Punch," August 29, 1857._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT VERY LIKELY. + +_Mistress_. "WELL, I'M SURE! AND PRAY WHO IS THAT?" + +_Cook_. "OH, IF YOU PLEASE, 'M, IT'S ONLY MY COUSIN WHO HAS CALLED +JUST TO SHOW ME HOW TO BOIL A POTATO." + +_"Punch," August 31, 1850._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR SPECIALS. + +_Special Constable._ "NOW MIND, YOU KNOW--IF I KILL YOU, IT'S NOTHING; +BUT IF YOU KILL ME, BY JINGO, IT'S MURDER." + +_"Punch," April 22, 1848._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PEACE CONFERENCE. + +_Flora._ "OH, I AM SO GLAD--DEAR HARRIET--THERE IS A CHANCE OF +PEACE--I AM MAKING THESE SLIPPERS AGAINST DEAR ALFRED COMES BACK!" + +_Cousin Tom._ "HAH, WELL! I AIN'T QUITE SO ANXIOUS ABOUT PEACE--FOR, +YOU SEE, SINCE THOSE SOLDIER CHAPS HAVE BEEN ABROAD, WE CIVILIANS HAVE +HAD IT PRETTY MUCH OUR OWN WAY WITH THE GURLS!" + +_"Punch," March 22, 1856._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOME AMUSEMENTS. + +GRAND PEACE DEMONSTRATION IN OUR NURSERY! + +_"Punch," May 24, 1856._] + + * * * * * + +A BALLAD OF EELS. + + ["Lord Desborough has just been reminding us of the neglected + source of food supply that we have in the eels of our rivers and + ponds. He stated, 'The food value of an eel is remarkable. In food + value one pound of eels is better than a loin of beef.... The + greatest eel-breeding establishment in the world is at Comacchio, + on the Adriatic. This eel nursery is a gigantic swamp of 140 miles + in circumference. It has been in existence for centuries, and in + the sixteenth century it yielded an annual revenue of £1,200 to + the Pope.'"--_Liverpool Daily Post_.] + + When lowering clouds refuse to lift + And spread depression far and wide, + And when the need of strenuous thrift + Is loudly preached on every side, + What boundless gratitude one feels + To DESBOROUGH, inspiring chief, + For telling us: "One pound of eels + Is better than a loin of beef" + + Of old, Popes made eel-breeding pay + (At least Lord DESBOROUGH says they did), + And cleared _per annum_ in this way + Twelve hundred jingling, tingling quid. + In fact my brain in anguish reels + To think we never took a leaf + Out of the book which taught that eels + Are better than prime cuts of beef. + + In youth, fastidiously inclined, + I own with shame that I eschewed, + Like most of my unthinking kind, + This luscious and nutritious food; + But now that DESBOROUGH reveals + Its value, with profound belief + I sing with him: "One pound of eels + Is better than a loin of beef." + + I chant it loudly in my bath, + I chant it when the sun is high, + And when the moon pursues her path + Noctambulating through the sky. + And when the bill of fare at meals + Is more than usually brief, + Again I sing: "One pound of eels + Is better than a loin of beef." + + It is a charm that never fails + When friends accost me in the street + And utter agonizing wails + About the price of butcher's meat. + "Cheer up," I tell them, "creels on creels + Are hastening to your relief; + Cheer up, my friends, one pound of eels + Is better than a loin of beef." + + Then all ye fearful folk, dismayed + By threatened shortage of supplies, + Let not your anxious hearts be swayed + By croakers or their dismal cries; + But, from Penzance to Galashiels, + From Abertillery to Crieff, + Remember that "one pound of eels + Is better than a loin of beef." + + But these are only pleasant dreams + Unless, to realise our hopes, + Proprietors of ponds and streams + Re-stock them, like the early Popes. + Then, though we still run short of keels + And corn be leaner in the sheaf, + We shall at least have endless eels, + Unnumbered super-loins of beef. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"BILLETED." + +No wonder the Royalty Management, realising how resolutely determined +the public was to have nothing to do with anything so witty and +workmanlike as _The Foundations_ of Mr. GALSWORTHY, have for their +new bill declined upon the pleasantly trivial comedy of errors and +tarradiddles, _Billeted_. + +[Illustration: BILLETING AND COOING. + _(The happy ending.)_ + _Captain Rymill_ ... MR. DENNIS EADIE. + _Betty Taradine_ ... MISS IRIS HOEY.] + +_Betty Taradine_ is billeting at her pretty manor-house a nice +vague Colonel. The Vicar's sister disapproves, because _Betty_ is a +grass-widow, and _Penelope_, the all-but-flapper, an insufficient +chaperone. She expresses her disapproval with a hardy insolence +which must be rare with vicars' sisters in these emancipated times. +Naturally when you have a great deal of palaver about _Betty's_ +husband having deserted her two years ago after a serious tiff, and no +word spoken or written since, you rightly guess that the expected new +Adjutant, _Captain Rymill_, will be none other than the missing man. +But you probably don't guess that _Betty_, to spoof the Church and +keep the _Colonel_, has decided to kill her husband by faked telegram. +So you have a distinctly intriguing theme, which Miss TENNYSON JESSE +and Captain HARWOOD handle with very considerable adroitness and +embroider with many really sparkling and laughter-compelling lines. + +I should like to ask the pleasant authors some questions. How is it +that the infinitely susceptible Colonel who loves _Penelope_, but +is so overcome by the pseudo-sorrowing _Betty_ that he is afraid of +"saying so much more than he means," and appeals to his invaluable +Adjutant for help--how is it he survived a bachelor till fifty? And +how did _Betty_, with her abysmal ignorance of pass-book lore, manage +to postpone her financial catastrophe for two whole years? And how do +they suppose so popular and personable man as _Taradine_ could come +back to England under an assumed name without a number of highly +inconvenient questions being asked? More seriously, I would ask if +they really expect us to believe in the reconciliation on so deep +a note of this nice butterfly and this callous husband, who never +intended, but for the War, to come back from his big-game shooting, +and who took no pains to arrange suitable guidance (there was a lawyer +vaguely mentioned but he seems to have been singularly unobtrusive) +for the obviously incompetent spouse whom he professes still to love? +I am afraid it will not do. The one real point of weakness in the +presentation was that Mr. EADIE could not modulate from the key of +agreeable flippancy in which the comedy as a whole was set into that +of the solemnly sentimental coda. Thus was the artistic unity of a +pleasant trifle destroyed. + +Mr. DAWSON MILWARD'S clever careful method made the _Colonel_ a +very live and plausible figure. Some of his intimate touches were +exceedingly adroit. The authors deserve a fair share of the credit. +Indeed there was throughout a suggestion of clever characterisation +conspicuously above the average of this _genre_. _Penelope_ was an +excellently developed part, rendered with unexpectedly mature skill by +Miss STELLA JESSE. The _Vicar_ promised at first to be a new type, but +the authors seemed to have lost interest in him half-way, and not even +Mr. LAWRENCE HANRAY'S skill and restraint could quite save him. I rate +Mr. EADIE as an actor too high to be much amused by him in obviously +EADIE parts. "A man's reach must exceed his grasp." I think it just to +Miss HOEY to say that she seemed a little handicapped by efforts of +memory, a condition which will duly disappear and leave her charm to +assert itself. Mr. GEORGE HOWARD was quite admirable as a Scots bank +manager; Miss BLANCHE STANLEY, a really sound combination of essential +good-nature and wounded dignity as a cook on the verge of giving +notice. Miss GERTRUDE STERROLL tackled a vicaress of the Mid-Victorian +era (authors' responsibility this) with a courage which deserves both +praise and sympathy. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OPTIMIST. + +"IF THIS IS THE RIGHT VILLAGE THEN WE'RE ALL RIGHT. THE INSTRUCTIONS +IS CLEAR--'GO PAST THE POST-OFFICE AND SHARP TO THE LEFT AFORE YOU +COME TO THE CHURCH.'"] + + * * * * * + +THE AIRMAN. + + Jack loves dreadnoughts, Peggy loves trains, + But I know what I love--aeroplanes. + + Jack will sail the high seas if he can stick it; + Peggy'll be the girl in blue who asks to see your ticket; + But I will steer my aeroplane over London town + And loop the loop till Nurse cries out, "Lor', Master Jim, come down!" + + Jack will be an admiral if he isn't sick; + Peggy'll take the tickets and punch them with a click; + But I will make a splendid hum up there in the blue; + I'll look down on London town, I'll look down on you. + + Jack will hunt for U-boats and sink the beasts by scores; + Peggy'll have a perfect life, slamming carriage doors; + But I shall join the R.F.C. and Nurse herself will shout, + "There's Master Flight-Commander Jim has put them Huns to rout." + + * * * * * + + "A well-known Liverpool shipowner and philanthropist is giving + £70,000--£100 for each year of his life--to various charitable + and philanthropic objects."--_Scotsman_. + +He might almost have lived in the time of the Patriarchs, but we +gather that he preferred the days of the profits. + + * * * * * + + "Often it was impossible to detect the existence of underground + works until their occupants opened fire. At one such spot a white + hag was displayed, and when our men charily approached a burst of + fire met them."--_East Anglian Daily Times_. + +The enemy is evidently up to his old trick--taking cover behind women. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +I foresee the appearance, during the next few years, of many +regimental handbooks that will record the history at this present +visibly and gloriously in the making. One such has already reached me, +a second edition of _A Brief History of the King's Royal Rifle Corps_ +(WARREN), compiled and edited by Lieut.-General Sir EDWARD HUTTON, +K.C.B. It is a book to be bought and treasured by many to whom the +record of a fine and famous regiment has become in these last years +doubly precious. The moment of its appearance is indeed excellently +opportune, from the fact that, in the first place, the K.R.R. was +recruited from our brothers across the Atlantic, the 60th Royal +Americans (as they were then) having been raised, in 1756, from the +colonists in the Eastern States, with a view to retrieving the recent +disaster to General BRADDOCK'S troops, and to provide a force that +could meet the French and Indians upon equal terms. Thus the Regiment, +which its historian modestly calls a typical unit of the British Army, +is in its origin another link between the two great English-speaking +allies of to-day. It has a record, certainly second to none, from +Quebec to Ypres--one that splendidly bears out the words, themselves +ringing like steel, of its motto, _Celer et Audax._ I should add that +all profits from the sale of the book will go to "The Ladies' Guild of +the King's Royal Rifle Corps." Friends past and present will no doubt +see to it that these profits are considerable. + + * * * * * + +In _The Immortal Gamble_ (A. AND C. BLACK), by A.T. STEWART and C.J. +PESHALL, the Acting Commander and Chaplain of _H.M.S. Cornwallis_ +describe the part taken by their ship and its gallant complement in +the bombardment of Gallipoli and the subsequent landings down to the +final evacuation. The account is clear, concise, unemotional, and +uncontroversial. As a glimpse rather than a survey of the Dardanelles +campaign it strengthens our faith in the spirit of the race without +hopelessly undermining our confidence in its intelligence. Beyond +the fact that it records deeds of brave men the book has no mission, +and its cheerful detachment might not, in the absence of sterner +chronicles, be salutary. But as long as there are enough Commissions +to publish scathing reports on this or that phase of national +ineptitude it is not the publishers' business to provide cathartics +for the fatted soul of a self-satisfied people. As the passing of time +obliterates the futilities and burnishes the heroisms of the noblest +and most forlorn adventure in the history of the race, _The Immortal +Gamble_ will find a just place among the simple chronicles of courage +which the War is storing up for the inspiration of the generations to +come. + + * * * * * + +I fancy that of late the cinema has somewhat departed from its +life-long preoccupation with the cow-boy, otherwise, I should have +little hesitation in predicting a great future on the film for _Naomi +of the Mountains_ (CASSELL). For this very stirring drama of the +wilder West is so packed with what I can't resist calling "reelism" +that it is almost impossible to think of it otherwise than in terms +of the screen. It is concerned with the wooing, by two contrasted +suitors, of _Naomi_, herself more or less a child of nature, who dwelt +in the back-of-beyond with her old, fanatic and extremely unpleasant +father. But, though the action is of the breathless type that we +have come to expect from such a setting, there is far more character +and serious observation than you would be prepared to find. Mr. +CHRISTOPHER CULLEY has drawn a real woman, and at least two human and +well-observed men. I will not give you in detail the varied course +of _Naomi's_ romance, which ends in a perfect orgy of battle, with +sheriffs and shooting, redskins and revolvers--in short, all the +effects that Mr. HAWTREY not long ago so successfully illustrated on +the stage. To sum up, I should describe _Naomi of the Mountains_ as +melodrama with a difference--the difference residing in its clever +character-drawing and some touches of genuine emotion which lift it +above the ordinary. And this from one to whom the Wild West in fiction +has long been a weariness is something more than tepid praise. + + * * * * * + +Sir CHARLES WALDSTEIN, author of the thoughtful _Aristodemocracy_, is +a thinker with an internationalist mind. But pray don't think he's +not a whole-hogger about the War. In _What Germany is Fighting For_ +(LONGMANS) he analyses the Germans' statement of their war-aims and +does good service by presenting an excellent translation, with comment +and epilogue, of the famous manifesto of "The Six Associations," and +the "Independent Committee for a German Peace." It is an insolent, +humourless, immoral document. Anything like it published in England +would be laughed out of court by Englishmen. It is difficult to keep +one's temper when one reads all this nauseating stuff about the +little German lamb being threatened by the wolf, England (or Russia +or France, as best suits the current paragraph), and Germany's fine +solicitude for the freedom of the seas. It is no disrespect to Sir +CHARLES WALDSTEIN that his acute and dispassionate comment is not so +forcible an argument to hold us unflinchingly to the essence of our +task as any page of the manifesto itself. The German, with all his +craft, has an almost unlimited capacity for giving himself away. It +would seem that, after all, humour _is_ the best gift of the gods.... +Our commentator ends with an epigram to the general effect that +"until they adopt, in common with us, the ideal of the Gentleman, in +contradistinction to that of the Superman," we must continue to strafe +them in war or peace. His book constitutes an important War document. + + * * * * * + +If I had been compelled to nominate an author to write a book called +_The Gossip Shop_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) I should have selected Mrs. +J.E. BUCKROSE without a moment's hesitation. So I ought to be happy. +Anything more soothing to tired nerves than the tittle-tattle of +these Wendlebury old ladies it is impossible to imagine. And to add +to the lullaby we are given an ancient cab-horse called _Griselda_, +who with a flick of her tail seems to render the atmosphere even +more calm and serene. Then there is a love-story which, in spite of +misunderstandings, is never really perturbing, and--as a spice--a +fortune telling lady who in such respectable society is as near to +being naughty as doesn't matter. Small beer? Perhaps. But if you want +to get away from the War and rumours of it, I advise you to take a +draught of this tranquillizing potion. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR HISTORICAL MUSEUM. + +FANCY PORTRAIT OF THE LAST BLOWER OF THE LAST WHISTLE FOR A LONDON +CAB, AUGUST 21ST, 1917.] + + * * * * * + +From a Booksellers' Catalogue:-- + + "PLUTARCH: His Life, his Parallel Lives, and his Morals. 3/6." + +So spicy a story is surely cheap at the price. + + * * * * * + + "The cause of the explosion is unknown, but it is assumed that + some combustible matter was among the coal."--_Daily Dispatch_. + +It is only fair to some of the coal merchants to say that they take +great pains to reduce this danger to a minimum. + + * * * * * + +THE FISHES' FEAST. + + "Sugar cargoes amounting to over 40,000 tons have been put down + by mines and submarines."--_Daily Paper_. + + Full many a cube of Sparkling Loaf agleam + The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; + Full many a sack of Crystals melts astream + And wastes its sweetness on the fishes there. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10923 *** |