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diff --git a/1093.txt b/1093.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..13cde18 --- /dev/null +++ b/1093.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2188 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Beast in the Jungle, by Henry James + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Beast in the Jungle + +Author: Henry James + +Release Date: February 6, 2005 [eBook #1093] +[This file last updated November 30, 2010] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAST IN THE JUNGLE*** + + + + + +Transcribed from the 1915 Martin Secker edition by David Price, email +ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +THE BEAST IN THE JUNGLE + + +CHAPTER I + + +What determined the speech that startled him in the course of their +encounter scarcely matters, being probably but some words spoken by +himself quite without intention--spoken as they lingered and slowly moved +together after their renewal of acquaintance. He had been conveyed by +friends an hour or two before to the house at which she was staying; the +party of visitors at the other house, of whom he was one, and thanks to +whom it was his theory, as always, that he was lost in the crowd, had +been invited over to luncheon. There had been after luncheon much +dispersal, all in the interest of the original motive, a view of +Weatherend itself and the fine things, intrinsic features, pictures, +heirlooms, treasures of all the arts, that made the place almost famous; +and the great rooms were so numerous that guests could wander at their +will, hang back from the principal group and in cases where they took +such matters with the last seriousness give themselves up to mysterious +appreciations and measurements. There were persons to be observed, +singly or in couples, bending toward objects in out-of-the-way corners +with their hands on their knees and their heads nodding quite as with the +emphasis of an excited sense of smell. When they were two they either +mingled their sounds of ecstasy or melted into silences of even deeper +import, so that there were aspects of the occasion that gave it for +Marcher much the air of the "look round," previous to a sale highly +advertised, that excites or quenches, as may be, the dream of +acquisition. The dream of acquisition at Weatherend would have had to be +wild indeed, and John Marcher found himself, among such suggestions, +disconcerted almost equally by the presence of those who knew too much +and by that of those who knew nothing. The great rooms caused so much +poetry and history to press upon him that he needed some straying apart +to feel in a proper relation with them, though this impulse was not, as +happened, like the gloating of some of his companions, to be compared to +the movements of a dog sniffing a cupboard. It had an issue promptly +enough in a direction that was not to have been calculated. + +It led, briefly, in the course of the October afternoon, to his closer +meeting with May Bartram, whose face, a reminder, yet not quite a +remembrance, as they sat much separated at a very long table, had begun +merely by troubling him rather pleasantly. It affected him as the sequel +of something of which he had lost the beginning. He knew it, and for the +time quite welcomed it, as a continuation, but didn't know what it +continued, which was an interest or an amusement the greater as he was +also somehow aware--yet without a direct sign from her--that the young +woman herself hadn't lost the thread. She hadn't lost it, but she +wouldn't give it back to him, he saw, without some putting forth of his +hand for it; and he not only saw that, but saw several things more, +things odd enough in the light of the fact that at the moment some +accident of grouping brought them face to face he was still merely +fumbling with the idea that any contact between them in the past would +have had no importance. If it had had no importance he scarcely knew why +his actual impression of her should so seem to have so much; the answer +to which, however, was that in such a life as they all appeared to be +leading for the moment one could but take things as they came. He was +satisfied, without in the least being able to say why, that this young +lady might roughly have ranked in the house as a poor relation; satisfied +also that she was not there on a brief visit, but was more or less a part +of the establishment--almost a working, a remunerated part. Didn't she +enjoy at periods a protection that she paid for by helping, among other +services, to show the place and explain it, deal with the tiresome +people, answer questions about the dates of the building, the styles of +the furniture, the authorship of the pictures, the favourite haunts of +the ghost? It wasn't that she looked as if you could have given her +shillings--it was impossible to look less so. Yet when she finally +drifted toward him, distinctly handsome, though ever so much older--older +than when he had seen her before--it might have been as an effect of her +guessing that he had, within the couple of hours, devoted more +imagination to her than to all the others put together, and had thereby +penetrated to a kind of truth that the others were too stupid for. She +_was_ there on harder terms than any one; she was there as a consequence +of things suffered, one way and another, in the interval of years; and +she remembered him very much as she was remembered--only a good deal +better. + +By the time they at last thus came to speech they were alone in one of +the rooms--remarkable for a fine portrait over the chimney-place--out of +which their friends had passed, and the charm of it was that even before +they had spoken they had practically arranged with each other to stay +behind for talk. The charm, happily, was in other things too--partly in +there being scarce a spot at Weatherend without something to stay behind +for. It was in the way the autumn day looked into the high windows as it +waned; the way the red light, breaking at the close from under a low +sombre sky, reached out in a long shaft and played over old wainscots, +old tapestry, old gold, old colour. It was most of all perhaps in the +way she came to him as if, since she had been turned on to deal with the +simpler sort, he might, should he choose to keep the whole thing down, +just take her mild attention for a part of her general business. As soon +as he heard her voice, however, the gap was filled up and the missing +link supplied; the slight irony he divined in her attitude lost its +advantage. He almost jumped at it to get there before her. "I met you +years and years ago in Rome. I remember all about it." She confessed to +disappointment--she had been so sure he didn't; and to prove how well he +did he began to pour forth the particular recollections that popped up as +he called for them. Her face and her voice, all at his service now, +worked the miracle--the impression operating like the torch of a +lamplighter who touches into flame, one by one, a long row of gas-jets. +Marcher flattered himself the illumination was brilliant, yet he was +really still more pleased on her showing him, with amusement, that in his +haste to make everything right he had got most things rather wrong. It +hadn't been at Rome--it had been at Naples; and it hadn't been eight +years before--it had been more nearly ten. She hadn't been, either, with +her uncle and aunt, but with her mother and brother; in addition to which +it was not with the Pembles _he_ had been, but with the Boyers, coming +down in their company from Rome--a point on which she insisted, a little +to his confusion, and as to which she had her evidence in hand. The +Boyers she had known, but didn't know the Pembles, though she had heard +of them, and it was the people he was with who had made them acquainted. +The incident of the thunderstorm that had raged round them with such +violence as to drive them for refuge into an excavation--this incident +had not occurred at the Palace of the Caesars, but at Pompeii, on an +occasion when they had been present there at an important find. + +He accepted her amendments, he enjoyed her corrections, though the moral +of them was, she pointed out, that he _really_ didn't remember the least +thing about her; and he only felt it as a drawback that when all was made +strictly historic there didn't appear much of anything left. They +lingered together still, she neglecting her office--for from the moment +he was so clever she had no proper right to him--and both neglecting the +house, just waiting as to see if a memory or two more wouldn't again +breathe on them. It hadn't taken them many minutes, after all, to put +down on the table, like the cards of a pack, those that constituted their +respective hands; only what came out was that the pack was unfortunately +not perfect--that the past, invoked, invited, encouraged, could give +them, naturally, no more than it had. It had made them anciently +meet--her at twenty, him at twenty-five; but nothing was so strange, they +seemed to say to each other, as that, while so occupied, it hadn't done a +little more for them. They looked at each other as with the feeling of +an occasion missed; the present would have been so much better if the +other, in the far distance, in the foreign land, hadn't been so stupidly +meagre. There weren't, apparently, all counted, more than a dozen little +old things that had succeeded in coming to pass between them; +trivialities of youth, simplicities of freshness, stupidities of +ignorance, small possible germs, but too deeply buried--too deeply +(didn't it seem?) to sprout after so many years. Marcher could only feel +he ought to have rendered her some service--saved her from a capsized +boat in the bay or at least recovered her dressing-bag, filched from her +cab in the streets of Naples by a lazzarone with a stiletto. Or it would +have been nice if he could have been taken with fever all alone at his +hotel, and she could have come to look after him, to write to his people, +to drive him out in convalescence. _Then_ they would be in possession of +the something or other that their actual show seemed to lack. It yet +somehow presented itself, this show, as too good to be spoiled; so that +they were reduced for a few minutes more to wondering a little helplessly +why--since they seemed to know a certain number of the same people--their +reunion had been so long averted. They didn't use that name for it, but +their delay from minute to minute to join the others was a kind of +confession that they didn't quite want it to be a failure. Their +attempted supposition of reasons for their not having met but showed how +little they knew of each other. There came in fact a moment when Marcher +felt a positive pang. It was vain to pretend she was an old friend, for +all the communities were wanting, in spite of which it was as an old +friend that he saw she would have suited him. He had new ones enough--was +surrounded with them for instance on the stage of the other house; as a +new one he probably wouldn't have so much as noticed her. He would have +liked to invent something, get her to make-believe with him that some +passage of a romantic or critical kind _had_ originally occurred. He was +really almost reaching out in imagination--as against time--for something +that would do, and saying to himself that if it didn't come this sketch +of a fresh start would show for quite awkwardly bungled. They would +separate, and now for no second or no third chance. They would have +tried and not succeeded. Then it was, just at the turn, as he afterwards +made it out to himself, that, everything else failing, she herself +decided to take up the case and, as it were, save the situation. He felt +as soon as she spoke that she had been consciously keeping back what she +said and hoping to get on without it; a scruple in her that immensely +touched him when, by the end of three or four minutes more, he was able +to measure it. What she brought out, at any rate, quite cleared the air +and supplied the link--the link it was so odd he should frivolously have +managed to lose. + +"You know you told me something I've never forgotten and that again and +again has made me think of you since; it was that tremendously hot day +when we went to Sorrento, across the bay, for the breeze. What I allude +to was what you said to me, on the way back, as we sat under the awning +of the boat enjoying the cool. Have you forgotten?" + +He had forgotten, and was even more surprised than ashamed. But the +great thing was that he saw in this no vulgar reminder of any "sweet" +speech. The vanity of women had long memories, but she was making no +claim on him of a compliment or a mistake. With another woman, a totally +different one, he might have feared the recall possibly even some +imbecile "offer." So, in having to say that he had indeed forgotten, he +was conscious rather of a loss than of a gain; he already saw an interest +in the matter of her mention. "I try to think--but I give it up. Yet I +remember the Sorrento day." + +"I'm not very sure you do," May Bartram after a moment said; "and I'm not +very sure I ought to want you to. It's dreadful to bring a person back +at any time to what he was ten years before. If you've lived away from +it," she smiled, "so much the better." + +"Ah if _you_ haven't why should I?" he asked. + +"Lived away, you mean, from what I myself was?" + +"From what _I_ was. I was of course an ass," Marcher went on; "but I +would rather know from you just the sort of ass I was than--from the +moment you have something in your mind--not know anything." + +Still, however, she hesitated. "But if you've completely ceased to be +that sort--?" + +"Why I can then all the more bear to know. Besides, perhaps I haven't." + +"Perhaps. Yet if you haven't," she added, "I should suppose you'd +remember. Not indeed that _I_ in the least connect with my impression +the invidious name you use. If I had only thought you foolish," she +explained, "the thing I speak of wouldn't so have remained with me. It +was about yourself." She waited as if it might come to him; but as, only +meeting her eyes in wonder, he gave no sign, she burnt her ships. "Has +it ever happened?" + +Then it was that, while he continued to stare, a light broke for him and +the blood slowly came to his face, which began to burn with recognition. + +"Do you mean I told you--?" But he faltered, lest what came to him +shouldn't be right, lest he should only give himself away. + +"It was something about yourself that it was natural one shouldn't +forget--that is if one remembered you at all. That's why I ask you," she +smiled, "if the thing you then spoke of has ever come to pass?" + +Oh then he saw, but he was lost in wonder and found himself embarrassed. +This, he also saw, made her sorry for him, as if her allusion had been a +mistake. It took him but a moment, however, to feel it hadn't been, much +as it had been a surprise. After the first little shock of it her +knowledge on the contrary began, even if rather strangely, to taste sweet +to him. She was the only other person in the world then who would have +it, and she had had it all these years, while the fact of his having so +breathed his secret had unaccountably faded from him. No wonder they +couldn't have met as if nothing had happened. "I judge," he finally +said, "that I know what you mean. Only I had strangely enough lost any +sense of having taken you so far into my confidence." + +"Is it because you've taken so many others as well?" + +"I've taken nobody. Not a creature since then." + +"So that I'm the only person who knows?" + +"The only person in the world." + +"Well," she quickly replied, "I myself have never spoken. I've never, +never repeated of you what you told me." She looked at him so that he +perfectly believed her. Their eyes met over it in such a way that he was +without a doubt. "And I never will." + +She spoke with an earnestness that, as if almost excessive, put him at +ease about her possible derision. Somehow the whole question was a new +luxury to him--that is from the moment she was in possession. If she +didn't take the sarcastic view she clearly took the sympathetic, and that +was what he had had, in all the long time, from no one whomsoever. What +he felt was that he couldn't at present have begun to tell her, and yet +could profit perhaps exquisitely by the accident of having done so of +old. "Please don't then. We're just right as it is." + +"Oh I am," she laughed, "if you are!" To which she added: "Then you do +still feel in the same way?" + +It was impossible he shouldn't take to himself that she was really +interested, though it all kept coming as a perfect surprise. He had +thought of himself so long as abominably alone, and lo he wasn't alone a +bit. He hadn't been, it appeared, for an hour--since those moments on +the Sorrento boat. It was she who had been, he seemed to see as he +looked at her--she who had been made so by the graceless fact of his +lapse of fidelity. To tell her what he had told her--what had it been +but to ask something of her? something that she had given, in her +charity, without his having, by a remembrance, by a return of the spirit, +failing another encounter, so much as thanked her. What he had asked of +her had been simply at first not to laugh at him. She had beautifully +not done so for ten years, and she was not doing so now. So he had +endless gratitude to make up. Only for that he must see just how he had +figured to her. "What, exactly, was the account I gave--?" + +"Of the way you did feel? Well, it was very simple. You said you had +had from your earliest time, as the deepest thing within you, the sense +of being kept for something rare and strange, possibly prodigious and +terrible, that was sooner or later to happen to you, that you had in your +bones the foreboding and the conviction of, and that would perhaps +overwhelm you." + +"Do you call that very simple?" John Marcher asked. + +She thought a moment. "It was perhaps because I seemed, as you spoke, to +understand it." + +"You do understand it?" he eagerly asked. + +Again she kept her kind eyes on him. "You still have the belief?" + +"Oh!" he exclaimed helplessly. There was too much to say. + +"Whatever it's to be," she clearly made out, "it hasn't yet come." + +He shook his head in complete surrender now. "It hasn't yet come. Only, +you know, it isn't anything I'm to do, to achieve in the world, to be +distinguished or admired for. I'm not such an ass as _that_. It would +be much better, no doubt, if I were." + +"It's to be something you're merely to suffer?" + +"Well, say to wait for--to have to meet, to face, to see suddenly break +out in my life; possibly destroying all further consciousness, possibly +annihilating me; possibly, on the other hand, only altering everything, +striking at the root of all my world and leaving me to the consequences, +however they shape themselves." + +She took this in, but the light in her eyes continued for him not to be +that of mockery. "Isn't what you describe perhaps but the expectation--or +at any rate the sense of danger, familiar to so many people--of falling +in love?" + +John Marcher thought. "Did you ask me that before?" + +"No--I wasn't so free-and-easy then. But it's what strikes me now." + +"Of course," he said after a moment, "it strikes you. Of course it +strikes _me_. Of course what's in store for me may be no more than that. +The only thing is," he went on, "that I think if it had been that I +should by this time know." + +"Do you mean because you've _been_ in love?" And then as he but looked +at her in silence: "You've been in love, and it hasn't meant such a +cataclysm, hasn't proved the great affair?" + +"Here I am, you see. It hasn't been overwhelming." + +"Then it hasn't been love," said May Bartram. + +"Well, I at least thought it was. I took it for that--I've taken it till +now. It was agreeable, it was delightful, it was miserable," he +explained. "But it wasn't strange. It wasn't what my affair's to be." + +"You want something all to yourself--something that nobody else knows or +_has_ known?" + +"It isn't a question of what I 'want'--God knows I don't want anything. +It's only a question of the apprehension that haunts me--that I live with +day by day." + +He said this so lucidly and consistently that he could see it further +impose itself. If she hadn't been interested before she'd have been +interested now. + +"Is it a sense of coming violence?" + +Evidently now too again he liked to talk of it. "I don't think of it +as--when it does come--necessarily violent. I only think of it as +natural and as of course above all unmistakeable. I think of it simply +as _the_ thing. _The_ thing will of itself appear natural." + +"Then how will it appear strange?" + +Marcher bethought himself. "It won't--to _me_." + +"To whom then?" + +"Well," he replied, smiling at last, "say to you." + +"Oh then I'm to be present?" + +"Why you are present--since you know." + +"I see." She turned it over. "But I mean at the catastrophe." + +At this, for a minute, their lightness gave way to their gravity; it was +as if the long look they exchanged held them together. "It will only +depend on yourself--if you'll watch with me." + +"Are you afraid?" she asked. + +"Don't leave me now," he went on. + +"Are you afraid?" she repeated. + +"Do you think me simply out of my mind?" he pursued instead of answering. +"Do I merely strike you as a harmless lunatic?" + +"No," said May Bartram. "I understand you. I believe you." + +"You mean you feel how my obsession--poor old thing--may correspond to +some possible reality?" + +"To some possible reality." + +"Then you _will_ watch with me?" + +She hesitated, then for the third time put her question. "Are you +afraid?" + +"Did I tell you I was--at Naples?" + +"No, you said nothing about it." + +"Then I don't know. And I should like to know," said John Marcher. +"You'll tell me yourself whether you think so. If you'll watch with me +you'll see." + +"Very good then." They had been moving by this time across the room, and +at the door, before passing out, they paused as for the full wind-up of +their understanding. "I'll watch with you," said May Bartram. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +The fact that she "knew"--knew and yet neither chaffed him nor betrayed +him--had in a short time begun to constitute between them a goodly bond, +which became more marked when, within the year that followed their +afternoon at Weatherend, the opportunities for meeting multiplied. The +event that thus promoted these occasions was the death of the ancient +lady her great-aunt, under whose wing, since losing her mother, she had +to such an extent found shelter, and who, though but the widowed mother +of the new successor to the property, had succeeded--thanks to a high +tone and a high temper--in not forfeiting the supreme position at the +great house. The deposition of this personage arrived but with her +death, which, followed by many changes, made in particular a difference +for the young woman in whom Marcher's expert attention had recognised +from the first a dependent with a pride that might ache though it didn't +bristle. Nothing for a long time had made him easier than the thought +that the aching must have been much soothed by Miss Bartram's now finding +herself able to set up a small home in London. She had acquired +property, to an amount that made that luxury just possible, under her +aunt's extremely complicated will, and when the whole matter began to be +straightened out, which indeed took time, she let him know that the happy +issue was at last in view. He had seen her again before that day, both +because she had more than once accompanied the ancient lady to town and +because he had paid another visit to the friends who so conveniently made +of Weatherend one of the charms of their own hospitality. These friends +had taken him back there; he had achieved there again with Miss Bartram +some quiet detachment; and he had in London succeeded in persuading her +to more than one brief absence from her aunt. They went together, on +these latter occasions, to the National Gallery and the South Kensington +Museum, where, among vivid reminders, they talked of Italy at large--not +now attempting to recover, as at first, the taste of their youth and +their ignorance. That recovery, the first day at Weatherend, had served +its purpose well, had given them quite enough; so that they were, to +Marcher's sense, no longer hovering about the head-waters of their +stream, but had felt their boat pushed sharply off and down the current. + +They were literally afloat together; for our gentleman this was marked, +quite as marked as that the fortunate cause of it was just the buried +treasure of her knowledge. He had with his own hands dug up this little +hoard, brought to light--that is to within reach of the dim day +constituted by their discretions and privacies--the object of value the +hiding-place of which he had, after putting it into the ground himself, +so strangely, so long forgotten. The rare luck of his having again just +stumbled on the spot made him indifferent to any other question; he would +doubtless have devoted more time to the odd accident of his lapse of +memory if he hadn't been moved to devote so much to the sweetness, the +comfort, as he felt, for the future, that this accident itself had helped +to keep fresh. It had never entered into his plan that any one should +"know", and mainly for the reason that it wasn't in him to tell any one. +That would have been impossible, for nothing but the amusement of a cold +world would have waited on it. Since, however, a mysterious fate had +opened his mouth betimes, in spite of him, he would count that a +compensation and profit by it to the utmost. That the right person +_should_ know tempered the asperity of his secret more even than his +shyness had permitted him to imagine; and May Bartram was clearly right, +because--well, because there she was. Her knowledge simply settled it; +he would have been sure enough by this time had she been wrong. There +was that in his situation, no doubt, that disposed him too much to see +her as a mere confidant, taking all her light for him from the fact--the +fact only--of her interest in his predicament; from her mercy, sympathy, +seriousness, her consent not to regard him as the funniest of the funny. +Aware, in fine, that her price for him was just in her giving him this +constant sense of his being admirably spared, he was careful to remember +that she had also a life of her own, with things that might happen to +_her_, things that in friendship one should likewise take account of. +Something fairly remarkable came to pass with him, for that matter, in +this connexion--something represented by a certain passage of his +consciousness, in the suddenest way, from one extreme to the other. + +He had thought himself, so long as nobody knew, the most disinterested +person in the world, carrying his concentrated burden, his perpetual +suspense, ever so quietly, holding his tongue about it, giving others no +glimpse of it nor of its effect upon his life, asking of them no +allowance and only making on his side all those that were asked. He +hadn't disturbed people with the queerness of their having to know a +haunted man, though he had had moments of rather special temptation on +hearing them say they were forsooth "unsettled." If they were as +unsettled as he was--he who had never been settled for an hour in his +life--they would know what it meant. Yet it wasn't, all the same, for +him to make them, and he listened to them civilly enough. This was why +he had such good--though possibly such rather colourless--manners; this +was why, above all, he could regard himself, in a greedy world, as +decently--as in fact perhaps even a little sublimely--unselfish. Our +point is accordingly that he valued this character quite sufficiently to +measure his present danger of letting it lapse, against which he promised +himself to be much on his guard. He was quite ready, none the less, to +be selfish just a little, since surely no more charming occasion for it +had come to him. "Just a little," in a word, was just as much as Miss +Bartram, taking one day with another, would let him. He never would be +in the least coercive, and would keep well before him the lines on which +consideration for her--the very highest--ought to proceed. He would +thoroughly establish the heads under which her affairs, her requirements, +her peculiarities--he went so far as to give them the latitude of that +name--would come into their intercourse. All this naturally was a sign +of how much he took the intercourse itself for granted. There was +nothing more to be done about that. It simply existed; had sprung into +being with her first penetrating question to him in the autumn light +there at Weatherend. The real form it should have taken on the basis +that stood out large was the form of their marrying. But the devil in +this was that the very basis itself put marrying out of the question. His +conviction, his apprehension, his obsession, in short, wasn't a privilege +he could invite a woman to share; and that consequence of it was +precisely what was the matter with him. Something or other lay in wait +for him, amid the twists and the turns of the months and the years, like +a crouching Beast in the Jungle. It signified little whether the +crouching Beast were destined to slay him or to be slain. The definite +point was the inevitable spring of the creature; and the definite lesson +from that was that a man of feeling didn't cause himself to be +accompanied by a lady on a tiger-hunt. Such was the image under which he +had ended by figuring his life. + +They had at first, none the less, in the scattered hours spent together, +made no allusion to that view of it; which was a sign he was handsomely +alert to give that he didn't expect, that he in fact didn't care, always +to be talking about it. Such a feature in one's outlook was really like +a hump on one's back. The difference it made every minute of the day +existed quite independently of discussion. One discussed of course +_like_ a hunchback, for there was always, if nothing else, the hunchback +face. That remained, and she was watching him; but people watched best, +as a general thing, in silence, so that such would be predominantly the +manner of their vigil. Yet he didn't want, at the same time, to be tense +and solemn; tense and solemn was what he imagined he too much showed for +with other people. The thing to be, with the one person who knew, was +easy and natural--to make the reference rather than be seeming to avoid +it, to avoid it rather than be seeming to make it, and to keep it, in any +case, familiar, facetious even, rather than pedantic and portentous. Some +such consideration as the latter was doubtless in his mind for instance +when he wrote pleasantly to Miss Bartram that perhaps the great thing he +had so long felt as in the lap of the gods was no more than this +circumstance, which touched him so nearly, of her acquiring a house in +London. It was the first allusion they had yet again made, needing any +other hitherto so little; but when she replied, after having given him +the news, that she was by no means satisfied with such a trifle as the +climax to so special a suspense, she almost set him wondering if she +hadn't even a larger conception of singularity for him than he had for +himself. He was at all events destined to become aware little by little, +as time went by, that she was all the while looking at his life, judging +it, measuring it, in the light of the thing she knew, which grew to be at +last, with the consecration of the years, never mentioned between them +save as "the real truth" about him. That had always been his own form of +reference to it, but she adopted the form so quietly that, looking back +at the end of a period, he knew there was no moment at which it was +traceable that she had, as he might say, got inside his idea, or +exchanged the attitude of beautifully indulging for that of still more +beautifully believing him. + +It was always open to him to accuse her of seeing him but as the most +harmless of maniacs, and this, in the long run--since it covered so much +ground--was his easiest description of their friendship. He had a screw +loose for her but she liked him in spite of it and was practically, +against the rest of the world, his kind wise keeper, unremunerated but +fairly amused and, in the absence of other near ties, not disreputably +occupied. The rest of the world of course thought him queer, but she, +she only, knew how, and above all why, queer; which was precisely what +enabled her to dispose the concealing veil in the right folds. She took +his gaiety from him--since it had to pass with them for gaiety--as she +took everything else; but she certainly so far justified by her unerring +touch his finer sense of the degree to which he had ended by convincing +her. _She_ at least never spoke of the secret of his life except as "the +real truth about you," and she had in fact a wonderful way of making it +seem, as such, the secret of her own life too. That was in fine how he +so constantly felt her as allowing for him; he couldn't on the whole call +it anything else. He allowed for himself, but she, exactly, allowed +still more; partly because, better placed for a sight of the matter, she +traced his unhappy perversion through reaches of its course into which he +could scarce follow it. He knew how he felt, but, besides knowing that, +she knew how he looked as well; he knew each of the things of importance +he was insidiously kept from doing, but she could add up the amount they +made, understand how much, with a lighter weight on his spirit, he might +have done, and thereby establish how, clever as he was, he fell short. +Above all she was in the secret of the difference between the forms he +went through--those of his little office under Government, those of +caring for his modest patrimony, for his library, for his garden in the +country, for the people in London whose invitations he accepted and +repaid--and the detachment that reigned beneath them and that made of all +behaviour, all that could in the least be called behaviour, a long act of +dissimulation. What it had come to was that he wore a mask painted with +the social simper, out of the eye-holes of which there looked eyes of an +expression not in the least matching the other features. This the stupid +world, even after years, had never more than half discovered. It was +only May Bartram who had, and she achieved, by an art indescribable, the +feat of at once--or perhaps it was only alternately--meeting the eyes +from in front and mingling her own vision, as from over his shoulder, +with their peep through the apertures. + +So while they grew older together she did watch with him, and so she let +this association give shape and colour to her own existence. Beneath +_her_ forms as well detachment had learned to sit, and behaviour had +become for her, in the social sense, a false account of herself. There +was but one account of her that would have been true all the while and +that she could give straight to nobody, least of all to John Marcher. Her +whole attitude was a virtual statement, but the perception of that only +seemed called to take its place for him as one of the many things +necessarily crowded out of his consciousness. If she had moreover, like +himself, to make sacrifices to their real truth, it was to be granted +that her compensation might have affected her as more prompt and more +natural. They had long periods, in this London time, during which, when +they were together, a stranger might have listened to them without in the +least pricking up his ears; on the other hand the real truth was equally +liable at any moment to rise to the surface, and the auditor would then +have wondered indeed what they were talking about. They had from an +early hour made up their mind that society was, luckily, unintelligent, +and the margin allowed them by this had fairly become one of their +commonplaces. Yet there were still moments when the situation turned +almost fresh--usually under the effect of some expression drawn from +herself. Her expressions doubtless repeated themselves, but her +intervals were generous. "What saves us, you know, is that we answer so +completely to so usual an appearance: that of the man and woman whose +friendship has become such a daily habit--or almost--as to be at last +indispensable." That for instance was a remark she had frequently enough +had occasion to make, though she had given it at different times +different developments. What we are especially concerned with is the +turn it happened to take from her one afternoon when he had come to see +her in honour of her birthday. This anniversary had fallen on a Sunday, +at a season of thick fog and general outward gloom; but he had brought +her his customary offering, having known her now long enough to have +established a hundred small traditions. It was one of his proofs to +himself, the present he made her on her birthday, that he hadn't sunk +into real selfishness. It was mostly nothing more than a small trinket, +but it was always fine of its kind, and he was regularly careful to pay +for it more than he thought he could afford. "Our habit saves you, at +least, don't you see? because it makes you, after all, for the vulgar, +indistinguishable from other men. What's the most inveterate mark of men +in general? Why the capacity to spend endless time with dull women--to +spend it I won't say without being bored, but without minding that they +are, without being driven off at a tangent by it; which comes to the same +thing. I'm your dull woman, a part of the daily bread for which you pray +at church. That covers your tracks more than anything." + +"And what covers yours?" asked Marcher, whom his dull woman could mostly +to this extent amuse. "I see of course what you mean by your saving me, +in this way and that, so far as other people are concerned--I've seen it +all along. Only what is it that saves _you_? I often think, you know, +of that." + +She looked as if she sometimes thought of that too, but rather in a +different way. "Where other people, you mean, are concerned?" + +"Well, you're really so in with me, you know--as a sort of result of my +being so in with yourself. I mean of my having such an immense regard +for you, being so tremendously mindful of all you've done for me. I +sometimes ask myself if it's quite fair. Fair I mean to have so involved +and--since one may say it--interested you. I almost feel as if you +hadn't really had time to do anything else." + +"Anything else but be interested?" she asked. "Ah what else does one +ever want to be? If I've been 'watching' with you, as we long ago agreed +I was to do, watching's always in itself an absorption." + +"Oh certainly," John Marcher said, "if you hadn't had your curiosity--! +Only doesn't it sometimes come to you as time goes on that your curiosity +isn't being particularly repaid?" + +May Bartram had a pause. "Do you ask that, by any chance, because you +feel at all that yours isn't? I mean because you have to wait so long." + +Oh he understood what she meant! "For the thing to happen that never +does happen? For the Beast to jump out? No, I'm just where I was about +it. It isn't a matter as to which I can _choose_, I can decide for a +change. It isn't one as to which there _can_ be a change. It's in the +lap of the gods. One's in the hands of one's law--there one is. As to +the form the law will take, the way it will operate, that's its own +affair." + +"Yes," Miss Bartram replied; "of course one's fate's coming, of course it +_has_ come in its own form and its own way, all the while. Only, you +know, the form and the way in your case were to have been--well, +something so exceptional and, as one may say, so particularly _your_ +own." + +Something in this made him look at her with suspicion. "You say 'were to +_have_ been,' as if in your heart you had begun to doubt." + +"Oh!" she vaguely protested. + +"As if you believed," he went on, "that nothing will now take place." + +She shook her head slowly but rather inscrutably. "You're far from my +thought." + +He continued to look at her. "What then is the matter with you?" + +"Well," she said after another wait, "the matter with me is simply that +I'm more sure than ever my curiosity, as you call it, will be but too +well repaid." + +They were frankly grave now; he had got up from his seat, had turned once +more about the little drawing-room to which, year after year, he brought +his inevitable topic; in which he had, as he might have said, tasted +their intimate community with every sauce, where every object was as +familiar to him as the things of his own house and the very carpets were +worn with his fitful walk very much as the desks in old counting-houses +are worn by the elbows of generations of clerks. The generations of his +nervous moods had been at work there, and the place was the written +history of his whole middle life. Under the impression of what his +friend had just said he knew himself, for some reason, more aware of +these things; which made him, after a moment, stop again before her. "Is +it possibly that you've grown afraid?" + +"Afraid?" He thought, as she repeated the word, that his question had +made her, a little, change colour; so that, lest he should have touched +on a truth, he explained very kindly: "You remember that that was what +you asked _me_ long ago--that first day at Weatherend." + +"Oh yes, and you told me you didn't know--that I was to see for myself. +We've said little about it since, even in so long a time." + +"Precisely," Marcher interposed--"quite as if it were too delicate a +matter for us to make free with. Quite as if we might find, on pressure, +that I _am_ afraid. For then," he said, "we shouldn't, should we? quite +know what to do." + +She had for the time no answer to this question. "There have been days +when I thought you were. Only, of course," she added, "there have been +days when we have thought almost anything." + +"Everything. Oh!" Marcher softly groaned, as with a gasp, half spent, at +the face, more uncovered just then than it had been for a long while, of +the imagination always with them. It had always had it's incalculable +moments of glaring out, quite as with the very eyes of the very Beast, +and, used as he was to them, they could still draw from him the tribute +of a sigh that rose from the depths of his being. All they had thought, +first and last, rolled over him; the past seemed to have been reduced to +mere barren speculation. This in fact was what the place had just struck +him as so full of--the simplification of everything but the state of +suspense. That remained only by seeming to hang in the void surrounding +it. Even his original fear, if fear it as had been, had lost itself in +the desert. "I judge, however," he continued, "that you see I'm not +afraid now." + +"What I see, as I make it out, is that you've achieved something almost +unprecedented in the way of getting used to danger. Living with it so +long and so closely you've lost your sense of it; you know it's there, +but you're indifferent, and you cease even, as of old, to have to whistle +in the dark. Considering what the danger is," May Bartram wound up, "I'm +bound to say I don't think your attitude could well be surpassed." + +John Marcher faintly smiled. "It's heroic?" + +"Certainly--call it that." + +It was what he would have liked indeed to call it. "I _am_ then a man of +courage?" + +"That's what you were to show me." + +He still, however, wondered. "But doesn't the man of courage know what +he's afraid of--or not afraid of? I don't know _that_, you see. I don't +focus it. I can't name it. I only know I'm exposed." + +"Yes, but exposed--how shall I say?--so directly. So intimately. That's +surely enough." + +"Enough to make you feel then--as what we may call the end and the upshot +of our watch--that I'm not afraid?" + +"You're not afraid. But it isn't," she said, "the end of our watch. That +is it isn't the end of yours. You've everything still to see." + +"Then why haven't you?" he asked. He had had, all along, to-day, the +sense of her keeping something back, and he still had it. As this was +his first impression of that it quite made a date. The case was the more +marked as she didn't at first answer; which in turn made him go on. "You +know something I don't." Then his voice, for that of a man of courage, +trembled a little. "You know what's to happen." Her silence, with the +face she showed, was almost a confession--it made him sure. "You know, +and you're afraid to tell me. It's so bad that you're afraid I'll find +out." + +All this might be true, for she did look as if, unexpectedly to her, he +had crossed some mystic line that she had secretly drawn round her. Yet +she might, after all, not have worried; and the real climax was that he +himself, at all events, needn't. "You'll never find out." + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +It was all to have made, none the less, as I have said, a date; which +came out in the fact that again and again, even after long intervals, +other things that passed between them were in relation to this hour but +the character of recalls and results. Its immediate effect had been +indeed rather to lighten insistence--almost to provoke a reaction; as if +their topic had dropped by its own weight and as if moreover, for that +matter, Marcher had been visited by one of his occasional warnings +against egotism. He had kept up, he felt, and very decently on the +whole, his consciousness of the importance of not being selfish, and it +was true that he had never sinned in that direction without promptly +enough trying to press the scales the other way. He often repaired his +fault, the season permitting, by inviting his friend to accompany him to +the opera; and it not infrequently thus happened that, to show he didn't +wish her to have but one sort of food for her mind, he was the cause of +her appearing there with him a dozen nights in the month. It even +happened that, seeing her home at such times, he occasionally went in +with her to finish, as he called it, the evening, and, the better to make +his point, sat down to the frugal but always careful little supper that +awaited his pleasure. His point was made, he thought, by his not +eternally insisting with her on himself; made for instance, at such +hours, when it befell that, her piano at hand and each of them familiar +with it, they went over passages of the opera together. It chanced to be +on one of these occasions, however, that he reminded her of her not +having answered a certain question he had put to her during the talk that +had taken place between them on her last birthday. "What is it that +saves _you_?"--saved her, he meant, from that appearance of variation +from the usual human type. If he had practically escaped remark, as she +pretended, by doing, in the most important particular, what most men +do--find the answer to life in patching up an alliance of a sort with a +woman no better than himself--how had she escaped it, and how could the +alliance, such as it was, since they must suppose it had been more or +less noticed, have failed to make her rather positively talked about? + +"I never said," May Bartram replied, "that it hadn't made me a good deal +talked about." + +"Ah well then you're not 'saved.'" + +"It hasn't been a question for me. If you've had your woman I've had," +she said, "my man." + +"And you mean that makes you all right?" + +Oh it was always as if there were so much to say! + +"I don't know why it shouldn't make me--humanly, which is what we're +speaking of--as right as it makes you." + +"I see," Marcher returned. "'Humanly,' no doubt, as showing that you're +living for something. Not, that is, just for me and my secret." + +May Bartram smiled. "I don't pretend it exactly shows that I'm not +living for you. It's my intimacy with you that's in question." + +He laughed as he saw what she meant. "Yes, but since, as you say, I'm +only, so far as people make out, ordinary, you're--aren't you? no more +than ordinary either. You help me to pass for a man like another. So if +I _am_, as I understand you, you're not compromised. Is that it?" + +She had another of her waits, but she spoke clearly enough. "That's it. +It's all that concerns me--to help you to pass for a man like another." + +He was careful to acknowledge the remark handsomely. "How kind, how +beautiful, you are to me! How shall I ever repay you?" + +She had her last grave pause, as if there might be a choice of ways. But +she chose. "By going on as you are." + +It was into this going on as he was that they relapsed, and really for so +long a time that the day inevitably came for a further sounding of their +depths. These depths, constantly bridged over by a structure firm enough +in spite of its lightness and of its occasional oscillation in the +somewhat vertiginous air, invited on occasion, in the interest of their +nerves, a dropping of the plummet and a measurement of the abyss. A +difference had been made moreover, once for all, by the fact that she had +all the while not appeared to feel the need of rebutting his charge of an +idea within her that she didn't dare to express--a charge uttered just +before one of the fullest of their later discussions ended. It had come +up for him then that she "knew" something and that what she knew was +bad--too bad to tell him. When he had spoken of it as visibly so bad +that she was afraid he might find it out, her reply had left the matter +too equivocal to be let alone and yet, for Marcher's special sensibility, +almost too formidable again to touch. He circled about it at a distance +that alternately narrowed and widened and that still wasn't much affected +by the consciousness in him that there was nothing she could "know," +after all, any better than he did. She had no source of knowledge he +hadn't equally--except of course that she might have finer nerves. That +was what women had where they were interested; they made out things, +where people were concerned, that the people often couldn't have made out +for themselves. Their nerves, their sensibility, their imagination, were +conductors and revealers, and the beauty of May Bartram was in particular +that she had given herself so to his case. He felt in these days what, +oddly enough, he had never felt before, the growth of a dread of losing +her by some catastrophe--some catastrophe that yet wouldn't at all be the +catastrophe: partly because she had almost of a sudden begun to strike +him as more useful to him than ever yet, and partly by reason of an +appearance of uncertainty in her health, co-incident and equally new. It +was characteristic of the inner detachment he had hitherto so +successfully cultivated and to which our whole account of him is a +reference, it was characteristic that his complications, such as they +were, had never yet seemed so as at this crisis to thicken about him, +even to the point of making him ask himself if he were, by any chance, of +a truth, within sight or sound, within touch or reach, within the +immediate jurisdiction, of the thing that waited. + +When the day came, as come it had to, that his friend confessed to him +her fear of a deep disorder in her blood, he felt somehow the shadow of a +change and the chill of a shock. He immediately began to imagine +aggravations and disasters, and above all to think of her peril as the +direct menace for himself of personal privation. This indeed gave him +one of those partial recoveries of equanimity that were agreeable to +him--it showed him that what was still first in his mind was the loss she +herself might suffer. "What if she should have to die before knowing, +before seeing--?" It would have been brutal, in the early stages of her +trouble, to put that question to her; but it had immediately sounded for +him to his own concern, and the possibility was what most made him sorry +for her. If she did "know," moreover, in the sense of her having had +some--what should he think?--mystical irresistible light, this would make +the matter not better, but worse, inasmuch as her original adoption of +his own curiosity had quite become the basis of her life. She had been +living to see what would _be_ to be seen, and it would quite lacerate her +to have to give up before the accomplishment of the vision. These +reflexions, as I say, quickened his generosity; yet, make them as he +might, he saw himself, with the lapse of the period, more and more +disconcerted. It lapsed for him with a strange steady sweep, and the +oddest oddity was that it gave him, independently of the threat of much +inconvenience, almost the only positive surprise his career, if career it +could be called, had yet offered him. She kept the house as she had +never done; he had to go to her to see her--she could meet him nowhere +now, though there was scarce a corner of their loved old London in which +she hadn't in the past, at one time or another, done so; and he found her +always seated by her fire in the deep old-fashioned chair she was less +and less able to leave. He had been struck one day, after an absence +exceeding his usual measure, with her suddenly looking much older to him +than he had ever thought of her being; then he recognised that the +suddenness was all on his side--he had just simply and suddenly noticed. +She looked older because inevitably, after so many years, she _was_ old, +or almost; which was of course true in still greater measure of her +companion. If she was old, or almost, John Marcher assuredly was, and +yet it was her showing of the lesson, not his own, that brought the truth +home to him. His surprises began here; when once they had begun they +multiplied; they came rather with a rush: it was as if, in the oddest way +in the world, they had all been kept back, sown in a thick cluster, for +the late afternoon of life, the time at which for people in general the +unexpected has died out. + +One of them was that he should have caught himself--for he _had_ so +done--_really_ wondering if the great accident would take form now as +nothing more than his being condemned to see this charming woman, this +admirable friend, pass away from him. He had never so unreservedly +qualified her as while confronted in thought with such a possibility; in +spite of which there was small doubt for him that as an answer to his +long riddle the mere effacement of even so fine a feature of his +situation would be an abject anticlimax. It would represent, as +connected with his past attitude, a drop of dignity under the shadow of +which his existence could only become the most grotesques of failures. He +had been far from holding it a failure--long as he had waited for the +appearance that was to make it a success. He had waited for quite +another thing, not for such a thing as that. The breath of his good +faith came short, however, as he recognised how long he had waited, or +how long at least his companion had. That she, at all events, might be +recorded as having waited in vain--this affected him sharply, and all the +more because of his at first having done little more than amuse himself +with the idea. It grew more grave as the gravity of her condition grew, +and the state of mind it produced in him, which he himself ended by +watching as if it had been some definite disfigurement of his outer +person, may pass for another of his surprises. This conjoined itself +still with another, the really stupefying consciousness of a question +that he would have allowed to shape itself had he dared. What did +everything mean--what, that is, did _she_ mean, she and her vain waiting +and her probable death and the soundless admonition of it all--unless +that, at this time of day, it was simply, it was overwhelmingly too late? +He had never at any stage of his queer consciousness admitted the whisper +of such a correction; he had never till within these last few months been +so false to his conviction as not to hold that what was to come to him +had time, whether _he_ struck himself as having it or not. That at last, +at last, he certainly hadn't it, to speak of, or had it but in the +scantiest measure--such, soon enough, as things went with him, became the +inference with which his old obsession had to reckon: and this it was not +helped to do by the more and more confirmed appearance that the great +vagueness casting the long shadow in which he had lived had, to attest +itself, almost no margin left. Since it was in Time that he was to have +met his fate, so it was in Time that his fate was to have acted; and as +he waked up to the sense of no longer being young, which was exactly the +sense of being stale, just as that, in turn, was the sense of being weak, +he waked up to another matter beside. It all hung together; they were +subject, he and the great vagueness, to an equal and indivisible law. +When the possibilities themselves had accordingly turned stale, when the +secret of the gods had grown faint, had perhaps even quite evaporated, +that, and that only, was failure. It wouldn't have been failure to be +bankrupt, dishonoured, pilloried, hanged; it was failure not to be +anything. And so, in the dark valley into which his path had taken its +unlooked-for twist, he wondered not a little as he groped. He didn't +care what awful crash might overtake him, with what ignominy or what +monstrosity he might yet be associated--since he wasn't after all too +utterly old to suffer--if it would only be decently proportionate to the +posture he had kept, all his life, in the threatened presence of it. He +had but one desire left--that he shouldn't have been "sold." + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +Then it was that, one afternoon, while the spring of the year was young +and new she met all in her own way his frankest betrayal of these alarms. +He had gone in late to see her, but evening hadn't settled and she was +presented to him in that long fresh light of waning April days which +affects us often with a sadness sharper than the greyest hours of autumn. +The week had been warm, the spring was supposed to have begun early, and +May Bartram sat, for the first time in the year, without a fire; a fact +that, to Marcher's sense, gave the scene of which she formed part a +smooth and ultimate look, an air of knowing, in its immaculate order and +cold meaningless cheer, that it would never see a fire again. Her own +aspect--he could scarce have said why--intensified this note. Almost as +white as wax, with the marks and signs in her face as numerous and as +fine as if they had been etched by a needle, with soft white draperies +relieved by a faded green scarf on the delicate tone of which the years +had further refined, she was the picture of a serene and exquisite but +impenetrable sphinx, whose head, or indeed all whose person, might have +been powdered with silver. She was a sphinx, yet with her white petals +and green fronds she might have been a lily too--only an artificial lily, +wonderfully imitated and constantly kept, without dust or stain, though +not exempt from a slight droop and a complexity of faint creases, under +some clear glass bell. The perfection of household care, of high polish +and finish, always reigned in her rooms, but they now looked most as if +everything had been wound up, tucked in, put away, so that she might sit +with folded hands and with nothing more to do. She was "out of it," to +Marcher's vision; her work was over; she communicated with him as across +some gulf or from some island of rest that she had already reached, and +it made him feel strangely abandoned. Was it--or rather wasn't it--that +if for so long she had been watching with him the answer to their +question must have swum into her ken and taken on its name, so that her +occupation was verily gone? He had as much as charged her with this in +saying to her, many months before, that she even then knew something she +was keeping from him. It was a point he had never since ventured to +press, vaguely fearing as he did that it might become a difference, +perhaps a disagreement, between them. He had in this later time turned +nervous, which was what he in all the other years had never been; and the +oddity was that his nervousness should have waited till he had begun to +doubt, should have held off so long as he was sure. There was something, +it seemed to him, that the wrong word would bring down on his head, +something that would so at least ease off his tension. But he wanted not +to speak the wrong word; that would make everything ugly. He wanted the +knowledge he lacked to drop on him, if drop it could, by its own august +weight. If she was to forsake him it was surely for her to take leave. +This was why he didn't directly ask her again what she knew; but it was +also why, approaching the matter from another side, he said to her in the +course of his visit: "What do you regard as the very worst that at this +time of day _can_ happen to me?" + +He had asked her that in the past often enough; they had, with the odd +irregular rhythm of their intensities and avoidances, exchanged ideas +about it and then had seen the ideas washed away by cool intervals, +washed like figures traced in sea-sand. It had ever been the mark of +their talk that the oldest allusions in it required but a little +dismissal and reaction to come out again, sounding for the hour as new. +She could thus at present meet his enquiry quite freshly and patiently. +"Oh yes, I've repeatedly thought, only it always seemed to me of old that +I couldn't quite make up my mind. I thought of dreadful things, between +which it was difficult to choose; and so must you have done." + +"Rather! I feel now as if I had scarce done anything else. I appear to +myself to have spent my life in thinking of nothing but dreadful things. +A great many of them I've at different times named to you, but there were +others I couldn't name." + +"They were too, too dreadful?" + +"Too, too dreadful--some of them." + +She looked at him a minute, and there came to him as he met it, an +inconsequent sense that her eyes, when one got their full clearness, were +still as beautiful as they had been in youth, only beautiful with a +strange cold light--a light that somehow was a part of the effect, if it +wasn't rather a part of the cause, of the pale hard sweetness of the +season and the hour. "And yet," she said at last, "there are horrors +we've mentioned." + +It deepened the strangeness to see her, as such a figure in such a +picture, talk of "horrors," but she was to do in a few minutes something +stranger yet--though even of this he was to take the full measure but +afterwards--and the note of it already trembled. It was, for the matter +of that, one of the signs that her eyes were having again the high +flicker of their prime. He had to admit, however, what she said. "Oh +yes, there were times when we did go far." He caught himself in the act +of speaking as if it all were over. Well, he wished it were; and the +consummation depended for him clearly more and more on his friend. + +But she had now a soft smile. "Oh far--!" + +It was oddly ironic. "Do you mean you're prepared to go further?" + +She was frail and ancient and charming as she continued to look at him, +yet it was rather as if she had lost the thread. "Do you consider that +we went far?" + +"Why I thought it the point you were just making--that we _had_ looked +most things in the face." + +"Including each other?" She still smiled. "But you're quite right. +We've had together great imaginations, often great fears; but some of +them have been unspoken." + +"Then the worst--we haven't faced that. I _could_ face it, I believe, if +I knew what you think it. I feel," he explained, "as if I had lost my +power to conceive such things." And he wondered if he looked as blank as +he sounded. "It's spent." + +"Then why do you assume," she asked, "that mine isn't?" + +"Because you've given me signs to the contrary. It isn't a question for +you of conceiving, imagining, comparing. It isn't a question now of +choosing." At last he came out with it. "You know something I don't. +You've shown me that before." + +These last words had affected her, he made out in a moment, exceedingly, +and she spoke with firmness. "I've shown you, my dear, nothing." + +He shook his head. "You can't hide it." + +"Oh, oh!" May Bartram sounded over what she couldn't hide. It was almost +a smothered groan. + +"You admitted it months ago, when I spoke of it to you as of something +you were afraid I should find out. Your answer was that I couldn't, that +I wouldn't, and I don't pretend I have. But you had something therefore +in mind, and I see now how it must have been, how it still is, the +possibility that, of all possibilities, has settled itself for you as the +worst. This," he went on, "is why I appeal to you. I'm only afraid of +ignorance to-day--I'm not afraid of knowledge." And then as for a while +she said nothing: "What makes me sure is that I see in your face and feel +here, in this air and amid these appearances, that you're out of it. +You've done. You've had your experience. You leave me to my fate." + +Well, she listened, motionless and white in her chair, as on a decision +to be made, so that her manner was fairly an avowal, though still, with a +small fine inner stiffness, an imperfect surrender. "It _would_ be the +worst," she finally let herself say. "I mean the thing I've never said." + +It hushed him a moment. "More monstrous than all the monstrosities we've +named?" + +"More monstrous. Isn't that what you sufficiently express," she asked, +"in calling it the worst?" + +Marcher thought. "Assuredly--if you mean, as I do, something that +includes all the loss and all the shame that are thinkable." + +"It would if it _should_ happen," said May Bartram. "What we're speaking +of, remember, is only my idea." + +"It's your belief," Marcher returned. "That's enough for me. I feel +your beliefs are right. Therefore if, having this one, you give me no +more light on it, you abandon me." + +"No, no!" she repeated. "I'm with you--don't you see?--still." And as +to make it more vivid to him she rose from her chair--a movement she +seldom risked in these days--and showed herself, all draped and all soft, +in her fairness and slimness. "I haven't forsaken you." + +It was really, in its effort against weakness, a generous assurance, and +had the success of the impulse not, happily, been great, it would have +touched him to pain more than to pleasure. But the cold charm in her +eyes had spread, as she hovered before him, to all the rest of her +person, so that it was for the minute almost a recovery of youth. He +couldn't pity her for that; he could only take her as she showed--as +capable even yet of helping him. It was as if, at the same time, her +light might at any instant go out; wherefore he must make the most of it. +There passed before him with intensity the three or four things he wanted +most to know; but the question that came of itself to his lips really +covered the others. "Then tell me if I shall consciously suffer." + +She promptly shook her head. "Never!" + +It confirmed the authority he imputed to her, and it produced on him an +extraordinary effect. "Well, what's better than that? Do you call that +the worst?" + +"You think nothing is better?" she asked. + +She seemed to mean something so special that he again sharply wondered, +though still with the dawn of a prospect of relief. "Why not, if one +doesn't _know_?" After which, as their eyes, over his question, met in a +silence, the dawn deepened, and something to his purpose came +prodigiously out of her very face. His own, as he took it in, suddenly +flushed to the forehead, and he gasped with the force of a perception to +which, on the instant, everything fitted. The sound of his gasp filled +the air; then he became articulate. "I see--if I don't suffer!" + +In her own look, however, was doubt. "You see what?" + +"Why what you mean--what you've always meant." + +She again shook her head. "What I mean isn't what I've always meant. +It's different." + +"It's something new?" + +She hung back from it a little. "Something new. It's not what you +think. I see what you think." + +His divination drew breath then; only her correction might be wrong. "It +isn't that I _am_ a blockhead?" he asked between faintness and grimness. +"It isn't that it's all a mistake?" + +"A mistake?" she pityingly echoed. _That_ possibility, for her, he saw, +would be monstrous; and if she guaranteed him the immunity from pain it +would accordingly not be what she had in mind. "Oh no," she declared; +"it's nothing of that sort. You've been right." + +Yet he couldn't help asking himself if she weren't, thus pressed, +speaking but to save him. It seemed to him he should be most in a hole +if his history should prove all a platitude. "Are you telling me the +truth, so that I shan't have been a bigger idiot than I can bear to know? +I _haven't_ lived with a vain imagination, in the most besotted illusion? +I haven't waited but to see the door shut in my face?" + +She shook her head again. "However the case stands _that_ isn't the +truth. Whatever the reality, it _is_ a reality. The door isn't shut. +The door's open," said May Bartram. + +"Then something's to come?" + +She waited once again, always with her cold sweet eyes on him. "It's +never too late." She had, with her gliding step, diminished the distance +between them, and she stood nearer to him, close to him, a minute, as if +still charged with the unspoken. Her movement might have been for some +finer emphasis of what she was at once hesitating and deciding to say. He +had been standing by the chimney-piece, fireless and sparely adorned, a +small perfect old French clock and two morsels of rosy Dresden +constituting all its furniture; and her hand grasped the shelf while she +kept him waiting, grasped it a little as for support and encouragement. +She only kept him waiting, however; that is he only waited. It had +become suddenly, from her movement and attitude, beautiful and vivid to +him that she had something more to give him; her wasted face delicately +shone with it--it glittered almost as with the white lustre of silver in +her expression. She was right, incontestably, for what he saw in her +face was the truth, and strangely, without consequence, while their talk +of it as dreadful was still in the air, she appeared to present it as +inordinately soft. This, prompting bewilderment, made him but gape the +more gratefully for her revelation, so that they continued for some +minutes silent, her face shining at him, her contact imponderably +pressing, and his stare all kind but all expectant. The end, none the +less, was that what he had expected failed to come to him. Something +else took place instead, which seemed to consist at first in the mere +closing of her eyes. She gave way at the same instant to a slow fine +shudder, and though he remained staring--though he stared in fact but the +harder--turned off and regained her chair. It was the end of what she +had been intending, but it left him thinking only of that. + +"Well, you don't say--?" + +She had touched in her passage a bell near the chimney and had sunk back +strangely pale. "I'm afraid I'm too ill." + +"Too ill to tell me?" it sprang up sharp to him, and almost to his lips, +the fear she might die without giving him light. He checked himself in +time from so expressing his question, but she answered as if she had +heard the words. + +"Don't you know--now?" + +"'Now'--?" She had spoken as if some difference had been made within +the moment. But her maid, quickly obedient to her bell, was already with +them. "I know nothing." And he was afterwards to say to himself that he +must have spoken with odious impatience, such an impatience as to show +that, supremely disconcerted, he washed his hands of the whole question. + +"Oh!" said May Bartram. + +"Are you in pain?" he asked as the woman went to her. + +"No," said May Bartram. + +Her maid, who had put an arm round her as if to take her to her room, +fixed on him eyes that appealingly contradicted her; in spite of which, +however, he showed once more his mystification. + +"What then has happened?" + +She was once more, with her companion's help, on her feet, and, feeling +withdrawal imposed on him, he had blankly found his hat and gloves and +had reached the door. Yet he waited for her answer. "What _was_ to," +she said. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +He came back the next day, but she was then unable to see him, and as it +was literally the first time this had occurred in the long stretch of +their acquaintance he turned away, defeated and sore, almost angry--or +feeling at least that such a break in their custom was really the +beginning of the end--and wandered alone with his thoughts, especially +with the one he was least able to keep down. She was dying and he would +lose her; she was dying and his life would end. He stopped in the Park, +into which he had passed, and stared before him at his recurrent doubt. +Away from her the doubt pressed again; in her presence he had believed +her, but as he felt his forlornness he threw himself into the explanation +that, nearest at hand, had most of a miserable warmth for him and least +of a cold torment. She had deceived him to save him--to put him off with +something in which he should be able to rest. What could the thing that +was to happen to him be, after all, but just this thing that had began to +happen? Her dying, her death, his consequent solitude--that was what he +had figured as the Beast in the Jungle, that was what had been in the lap +of the gods. He had had her word for it as he left her--what else on +earth could she have meant? It wasn't a thing of a monstrous order; not +a fate rare and distinguished; not a stroke of fortune that overwhelmed +and immortalised; it had only the stamp of the common doom. But poor +Marcher at this hour judged the common doom sufficient. It would serve +his turn, and even as the consummation of infinite waiting he would bend +his pride to accept it. He sat down on a bench in the twilight. He +hadn't been a fool. Something had _been_, as she had said, to come. +Before he rose indeed it had quite struck him that the final fact really +matched with the long avenue through which he had had to reach it. As +sharing his suspense and as giving herself all, giving her life, to bring +it to an end, she had come with him every step of the way. He had lived +by her aid, and to leave her behind would be cruelly, damnably to miss +her. What could be more overwhelming than that? + +Well, he was to know within the week, for though she kept him a while at +bay, left him restless and wretched during a series of days on each of +which he asked about her only again to have to turn away, she ended his +trial by receiving him where she had always received him. Yet she had +been brought out at some hazard into the presence of so many of the +things that were, consciously, vainly, half their past, and there was +scant service left in the gentleness of her mere desire, all too visible, +to check his obsession and wind up his long trouble. That was clearly +what she wanted; the one thing more for her own peace while she could +still put out her hand. He was so affected by her state that, once +seated by her chair, he was moved to let everything go; it was she +herself therefore who brought him back, took up again, before she +dismissed him, her last word of the other time. She showed how she +wished to leave their business in order. "I'm not sure you understood. +You've nothing to wait for more. It _has_ come." + +Oh how he looked at her! "Really?" + +"Really." + +"The thing that, as you said, _was_ to?" + +"The thing that we began in our youth to watch for." + +Face to face with her once more he believed her; it was a claim to which +he had so abjectly little to oppose. "You mean that it has come as a +positive definite occurrence, with a name and a date?" + +"Positive. Definite. I don't know about the 'name,' but, oh with a +date!" + +He found himself again too helplessly at sea. "But come in the +night--come and passed me by?" + +May Bartram had her strange faint smile. "Oh no, it hasn't passed you +by!" + +"But if I haven't been aware of it and it hasn't touched me--?" + +"Ah your not being aware of it"--and she seemed to hesitate an instant to +deal with this--"your not being aware of it is the strangeness in the +strangeness. It's the wonder _of_ the wonder." She spoke as with the +softness almost of a sick child, yet now at last, at the end of all, with +the perfect straightness of a sibyl. She visibly knew that she knew, and +the effect on him was of something co-ordinate, in its high character, +with the law that had ruled him. It was the true voice of the law; so on +her lips would the law itself have sounded. "It _has_ touched you," she +went on. "It has done its office. It has made you all its own." + +"So utterly without my knowing it?" + +"So utterly without your knowing it." His hand, as he leaned to her, was +on the arm of her chair, and, dimly smiling always now, she placed her +own on it. "It's enough if _I_ know it." + +"Oh!" he confusedly breathed, as she herself of late so often had done. + +"What I long ago said is true. You'll never know now, and I think you +ought to be content. You've _had_ it," said May Bartram. + +"But had what?" + +"Why what was to have marked you out. The proof of your law. It has +acted. I'm too glad," she then bravely added, "to have been able to see +what it's _not_." + +He continued to attach his eyes to her, and with the sense that it was +all beyond him, and that _she_ was too, he would still have sharply +challenged her hadn't he so felt it an abuse of her weakness to do more +than take devoutly what she gave him, take it hushed as to a revelation. +If he did speak, it was out of the foreknowledge of his loneliness to +come. "If you're glad of what it's 'not' it might then have been worse?" + +She turned her eyes away, she looked straight before her; with which +after a moment: "Well, you know our fears." + +He wondered. "It's something then we never feared?" + +On this slowly she turned to him. "Did we ever dream, with all our +dreams, that we should sit and talk of it thus?" + +He tried for a little to make out that they had; but it was as if their +dreams, numberless enough, were in solution in some thick cold mist +through which thought lost itself. "It might have been that we couldn't +talk." + +"Well"--she did her best for him--"not from this side. This, you see," +she said, "is the _other_ side." + +"I think," poor Marcher returned, "that all sides are the same to me." +Then, however, as she gently shook her head in correction: "We mightn't, +as it were, have got across--?" + +"To where we are--no. We're _here_"--she made her weak emphasis. + +"And much good does it do us!" was her friend's frank comment. + +"It does us the good it can. It does us the good that _it_ isn't here. +It's past. It's behind," said May Bartram. "Before--" but her voice +dropped. + +He had got up, not to tire her, but it was hard to combat his yearning. +She after all told him nothing but that his light had failed--which he +knew well enough without her. "Before--?" he blankly echoed. + +"Before you see, it was always to _come_. That kept it present." + +"Oh I don't care what comes now! Besides," Marcher added, "it seems to +me I liked it better present, as you say, than I can like it absent with +_your_ absence." + +"Oh mine!"--and her pale hands made light of it. + +"With the absence of everything." He had a dreadful sense of standing +there before her for--so far as anything but this proved, this bottomless +drop was concerned--the last time of their life. It rested on him with a +weight he felt he could scarce bear, and this weight it apparently was +that still pressed out what remained in him of speakable protest. "I +believe you; but I can't begin to pretend I understand. _Nothing_, for +me, is past; nothing _will_ pass till I pass myself, which I pray my +stars may be as soon as possible. Say, however," he added, "that I've +eaten my cake, as you contend, to the last crumb--how can the thing I've +never felt at all be the thing I was marked out to feel?" + +She met him perhaps less directly, but she met him unperturbed. "You +take your 'feelings' for granted. You were to suffer your fate. That +was not necessarily to know it." + +"How in the world--when what is such knowledge but suffering?" + +She looked up at him a while in silence. "No--you don't understand." + +"I suffer," said John Marcher. + +"Don't, don't!" + +"How can I help at least _that_?" + +"_Don't_!" May Bartram repeated. + +She spoke it in a tone so special, in spite of her weakness, that he +stared an instant--stared as if some light, hitherto hidden, had +shimmered across his vision. Darkness again closed over it, but the +gleam had already become for him an idea. "Because I haven't the +right--?" + +"Don't _know_--when you needn't," she mercifully urged. "You needn't--for +we shouldn't." + +"Shouldn't?" If he could but know what she meant! + +"No-- it's too much." + +"Too much?" he still asked but with a mystification that was the next +moment of a sudden to give way. Her words, if they meant something, +affected him in this light--the light also of her wasted face--as meaning +_all_, and the sense of what knowledge had been for herself came over him +with a rush which broke through into a question. "Is it of that then +you're dying?" + +She but watched him, gravely at first, as to see, with this, where he +was, and she might have seen something or feared something that moved her +sympathy. "I would live for you still--if I could." Her eyes closed for +a little, as if, withdrawn into herself, she were for a last time trying. +"But I can't!" she said as she raised them again to take leave of him. + +She couldn't indeed, as but too promptly and sharply appeared, and he had +no vision of her after this that was anything but darkness and doom. They +had parted for ever in that strange talk; access to her chamber of pain, +rigidly guarded, was almost wholly forbidden him; he was feeling now +moreover, in the face of doctors, nurses, the two or three relatives +attracted doubtless by the presumption of what she had to "leave," how +few were the rights, as they were called in such cases, that he had to +put forward, and how odd it might even seem that their intimacy shouldn't +have given him more of them. The stupidest fourth cousin had more, even +though she had been nothing in such a person's life. She had been a +feature of features in _his_, for what else was it to have been so +indispensable? Strange beyond saying were the ways of existence, +baffling for him the anomaly of his lack, as he felt it to be, of +producible claim. A woman might have been, as it were, everything to +him, and it might yet present him, in no connexion that any one seemed +held to recognise. If this was the case in these closing weeks it was +the case more sharply on the occasion of the last offices rendered, in +the great grey London cemetery, to what had been mortal, to what had been +precious, in his friend. The concourse at her grave was not numerous, +but he saw himself treated as scarce more nearly concerned with it than +if there had been a thousand others. He was in short from this moment +face to face with the fact that he was to profit extraordinarily little +by the interest May Bartram had taken in him. He couldn't quite have +said what he expected, but he hadn't surely expected this approach to a +double privation. Not only had her interest failed him, but he seemed to +feel himself unattended--and for a reason he couldn't seize--by the +distinction, the dignity, the propriety, if nothing else, of the man +markedly bereaved. It was as if, in the view of society he had not +_been_ markedly bereaved, as if there still failed some sign or proof of +it, and as if none the less his character could never be affirmed nor the +deficiency ever made up. There were moments as the weeks went by when he +would have liked, by some almost aggressive act, to take his stand on the +intimacy of his loss, in order that it _might_ be questioned and his +retort, to the relief of his spirit, so recorded; but the moments of an +irritation more helpless followed fast on these, the moments during +which, turning things over with a good conscience but with a bare +horizon, he found himself wondering if he oughtn't to have begun, so to +speak, further back. + +He found himself wondering indeed at many things, and this last +speculation had others to keep it company. What could he have done, +after all, in her lifetime, without giving them both, as it were, away? +He couldn't have made known she was watching him, for that would have +published the superstition of the Beast. This was what closed his mouth +now--now that the Jungle had been thrashed to vacancy and that the Beast +had stolen away. It sounded too foolish and too flat; the difference for +him in this particular, the extinction in his life of the element of +suspense, was such as in fact to surprise him. He could scarce have said +what the effect resembled; the abrupt cessation, the positive +prohibition, of music perhaps, more than anything else, in some place all +adjusted and all accustomed to sonority and to attention. If he could at +any rate have conceived lifting the veil from his image at some moment of +the past (what had he done, after all, if not lift it to _her_?) so to do +this to-day, to talk to people at large of the Jungle cleared and confide +to them that he now felt it as safe, would have been not only to see them +listen as to a goodwife's tale, but really to hear himself tell one. What +it presently came to in truth was that poor Marcher waded through his +beaten grass, where no life stirred, where no breath sounded, where no +evil eye seemed to gleam from a possible lair, very much as if vaguely +looking for the Beast, and still more as if acutely missing it. He +walked about in an existence that had grown strangely more spacious, and, +stopping fitfully in places where the undergrowth of life struck him as +closer, asked himself yearningly, wondered secretly and sorely, if it +would have lurked here or there. It would have at all events sprung; +what was at least complete was his belief in the truth itself of the +assurance given him. The change from his old sense to his new was +absolute and final: what was to happen had so absolutely and finally +happened that he was as little able to know a fear for his future as to +know a hope; so absent in short was any question of anything still to +come. He was to live entirely with the other question, that of his +unidentified past, that of his having to see his fortune impenetrably +muffled and masked. + +The torment of this vision became then his occupation; he couldn't +perhaps have consented to live but for the possibility of guessing. She +had told him, his friend, not to guess; she had forbidden him, so far as +he might, to know, and she had even in a sort denied the power in him to +learn: which were so many things, precisely, to deprive him of rest. It +wasn't that he wanted, he argued for fairness, that anything past and +done should repeat itself; it was only that he shouldn't, as an +anticlimax, have been taken sleeping so sound as not to be able to win +back by an effort of thought the lost stuff of consciousness. He +declared to himself at moments that he would either win it back or have +done with consciousness for ever; he made this idea his one motive in +fine, made it so much his passion that none other, to compare with it, +seemed ever to have touched him. The lost stuff of consciousness became +thus for him as a strayed or stolen child to an unappeasable father; he +hunted it up and down very much as if he were knocking at doors and +enquiring of the police. This was the spirit in which, inevitably, he +set himself to travel; he started on a journey that was to be as long as +he could make it; it danced before him that, as the other side of the +globe couldn't possibly have less to say to him, it might, by a +possibility of suggestion, have more. Before he quitted London, however, +he made a pilgrimage to May Bartram's grave, took his way to it through +the endless avenues of the grim suburban necropolis, sought it out in the +wilderness of tombs, and, though he had come but for the renewal of the +act of farewell, found himself, when he had at last stood by it, beguiled +into long intensities. He stood for an hour, powerless to turn away and +yet powerless to penetrate the darkness of death; fixing with his eyes +her inscribed name and date, beating his forehead against the fact of the +secret they kept, drawing his breath, while he waited, as if some sense +would in pity of him rise from the stones. He kneeled on the stones, +however, in vain; they kept what they concealed; and if the face of the +tomb did become a face for him it was because her two names became a pair +of eyes that didn't know him. He gave them a last long look, but no +palest light broke. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +He stayed away, after this, for a year; he visited the depths of Asia, +spending himself on scenes of romantic interest, of superlative sanctity; +but what was present to him everywhere was that for a man who had known +what _he_ had known the world was vulgar and vain. The state of mind in +which he had lived for so many years shone out to him, in reflexion, as a +light that coloured and refined, a light beside which the glow of the +East was garish cheap and thin. The terrible truth was that he had +lost--with everything else--a distinction as well; the things he saw +couldn't help being common when he had become common to look at them. He +was simply now one of them himself--he was in the dust, without a peg for +the sense of difference; and there were hours when, before the temples of +gods and the sepulchres of kings, his spirit turned for nobleness of +association to the barely discriminated slab in the London suburb. That +had become for him, and more intensely with time and distance, his one +witness of a past glory. It was all that was left to him for proof or +pride, yet the past glories of Pharaohs were nothing to him as he thought +of it. Small wonder then that he came back to it on the morrow of his +return. He was drawn there this time as irresistibly as the other, yet +with a confidence, almost, that was doubtless the effect of the many +months that had elapsed. He had lived, in spite of himself, into his +change of feeling, and in wandering over the earth had wandered, as might +be said, from the circumference to the centre of his desert. He had +settled to his safety and accepted perforce his extinction; figuring to +himself, with some colour, in the likeness of certain little old men he +remembered to have seen, of whom, all meagre and wizened as they might +look, it was related that they had in their time fought twenty duels or +been loved by ten princesses. They indeed had been wondrous for others +while he was but wondrous for himself; which, however, was exactly the +cause of his haste to renew the wonder by getting back, as he might put +it, into his own presence. That had quickened his steps and checked his +delay. If his visit was prompt it was because he had been separated so +long from the part of himself that alone he now valued. + +It's accordingly not false to say that he reached his goal with a certain +elation and stood there again with a certain assurance. The creature +beneath the sod knew of his rare experience, so that, strangely now, the +place had lost for him its mere blankness of expression. It met him in +mildness--not, as before, in mockery; it wore for him the air of +conscious greeting that we find, after absence, in things that have +closely belonged to us and which seem to confess of themselves to the +connexion. The plot of ground, the graven tablet, the tended flowers +affected him so as belonging to him that he resembled for the hour a +contented landlord reviewing a piece of property. Whatever had +happened--well, had happened. He had not come back this time with the +vanity of that question, his former worrying "What, _what_?" now +practically so spent. Yet he would none the less never again so cut +himself off from the spot; he would come back to it every month, for if +he did nothing else by its aid he at least held up his head. It thus +grew for him, in the oddest way, a positive resource; he carried out his +idea of periodical returns, which took their place at last among the most +inveterate of his habits. What it all amounted to, oddly enough, was +that in his finally so simplified world this garden of death gave him the +few square feet of earth on which he could still most live. It was as +if, being nothing anywhere else for any one, nothing even for himself, he +were just everything here, and if not for a crowd of witnesses or indeed +for any witness but John Marcher, then by clear right of the register +that he could scan like an open page. The open page was the tomb of his +friend, and there were the facts of the past, there the truth of his +life, there the backward reaches in which he could lose himself. He did +this from time to time with such effect that he seemed to wander through +the old years with his hand in the arm of a companion who was, in the +most extraordinary manner, his other, his younger self; and to wander, +which was more extraordinary yet, round and round a third presence--not +wandering she, but stationary, still, whose eyes, turning with his +revolution, never ceased to follow him, and whose seat was his point, so +to speak, of orientation. Thus in short he settled to live--feeding all +on the sense that he once _had_ lived, and dependent on it not alone for +a support but for an identity. + +It sufficed him in its way for months and the year elapsed; it would +doubtless even have carried him further but for an accident, +superficially slight, which moved him, quite in another direction, with a +force beyond any of his impressions of Egypt or of India. It was a thing +of the merest chance--the turn, as he afterwards felt, of a hair, though +he was indeed to live to believe that if light hadn't come to him in this +particular fashion it would still have come in another. He was to live +to believe this, I say, though he was not to live, I may not less +definitely mention, to do much else. We allow him at any rate the +benefit of the conviction, struggling up for him at the end, that, +whatever might have happened or not happened, he would have come round of +himself to the light. The incident of an autumn day had put the match to +the train laid from of old by his misery. With the light before him he +knew that even of late his ache had only been smothered. It was +strangely drugged, but it throbbed; at the touch it began to bleed. And +the touch, in the event, was the face of a fellow-mortal. This face, one +grey afternoon when the leaves were thick in the alleys, looked into +Marcher's own, at the cemetery, with an expression like the cut of a +blade. He felt it, that is, so deep down that he winced at the steady +thrust. The person who so mutely assaulted him was a figure he had +noticed, on reaching his own goal, absorbed by a grave a short distance +away, a grave apparently fresh, so that the emotion of the visitor would +probably match it for frankness. This fact alone forbade further +attention, though during the time he stayed he remained vaguely conscious +of his neighbour, a middle-aged man apparently, in mourning, whose bowed +back, among the clustered monuments and mortuary yews, was constantly +presented. Marcher's theory that these were elements in contact with +which he himself revived, had suffered, on this occasion, it may be +granted, a marked, an excessive check. The autumn day was dire for him +as none had recently been, and he rested with a heaviness he had not yet +known on the low stone table that bore May Bartram's name. He rested +without power to move, as if some spring in him, some spell vouchsafed, +had suddenly been broken for ever. If he could have done that moment as +he wanted he would simply have stretched himself on the slab that was +ready to take him, treating it as a place prepared to receive his last +sleep. What in all the wide world had he now to keep awake for? He +stared before him with the question, and it was then that, as one of the +cemetery walks passed near him, he caught the shock of the face. + +His neighbour at the other grave had withdrawn, as he himself, with force +enough in him, would have done by now, and was advancing along the path +on his way to one of the gates. This brought him close, and his pace, +was slow, so that--and all the more as there was a kind of hunger in his +look--the two men were for a minute directly confronted. Marcher knew +him at once for one of the deeply stricken--a perception so sharp that +nothing else in the picture comparatively lived, neither his dress, his +age, nor his presumable character and class; nothing lived but the deep +ravage of the features that he showed. He _showed_ them--that was the +point; he was moved, as he passed, by some impulse that was either a +signal for sympathy or, more possibly, a challenge to an opposed sorrow. +He might already have been aware of our friend, might at some previous +hour have noticed in him the smooth habit of the scene, with which the +state of his own senses so scantly consorted, and might thereby have been +stirred as by an overt discord. What Marcher was at all events conscious +of was in the first place that the image of scarred passion presented to +him was conscious too--of something that profaned the air; and in the +second that, roused, startled, shocked, he was yet the next moment +looking after it, as it went, with envy. The most extraordinary thing +that had happened to him--though he had given that name to other matters +as well--took place, after his immediate vague stare, as a consequence of +this impression. The stranger passed, but the raw glare of his grief +remained, making our friend wonder in pity what wrong, what wound it +expressed, what injury not to be healed. What had the man _had_, to make +him by the loss of it so bleed and yet live? + +Something--and this reached him with a pang--that _he_, John Marcher, +hadn't; the proof of which was precisely John Marcher's arid end. No +passion had ever touched him, for this was what passion meant; he had +survived and maundered and pined, but where had been _his_ deep ravage? +The extraordinary thing we speak of was the sudden rush of the result of +this question. The sight that had just met his eyes named to him, as in +letters of quick flame, something he had utterly, insanely missed, and +what he had missed made these things a train of fire, made them mark +themselves in an anguish of inward throbs. He had seen _outside_ of his +life, not learned it within, the way a woman was mourned when she had +been loved for herself: such was the force of his conviction of the +meaning of the stranger's face, which still flared for him as a smoky +torch. It hadn't come to him, the knowledge, on the wings of experience; +it had brushed him, jostled him, upset him, with the disrespect of +chance, the insolence of accident. Now that the illumination had begun, +however, it blazed to the zenith, and what he presently stood there +gazing at was the sounded void of his life. He gazed, he drew breath, in +pain; he turned in his dismay, and, turning, he had before him in sharper +incision than ever the open page of his story. The name on the table +smote him as the passage of his neighbour had done, and what it said to +him, full in the face, was that she was what he had missed. This was the +awful thought, the answer to all the past, the vision at the dread +clearness of which he turned as cold as the stone beneath him. Everything +fell together, confessed, explained, overwhelmed; leaving him most of all +stupefied at the blindness he had cherished. The fate he had been marked +for he had met with a vengeance--he had emptied the cup to the lees; he +had been the man of his time, _the_ man, to whom nothing on earth was to +have happened. That was the rare stroke--that was his visitation. So he +saw it, as we say, in pale horror, while the pieces fitted and fitted. So +_she_ had seen it while he didn't, and so she served at this hour to +drive the truth home. It was the truth, vivid and monstrous, that all +the while he had waited the wait was itself his portion. This the +companion of his vigil had at a given moment made out, and she had then +offered him the chance to baffle his doom. One's doom, however, was +never baffled, and on the day she told him his own had come down she had +seen him but stupidly stare at the escape she offered him. + +The escape would have been to love her; then, _then_ he would have lived. +_She_ had lived--who could say now with what passion?--since she had +loved him for himself; whereas he had never thought of her (ah how it +hugely glared at him!) but in the chill of his egotism and the light of +her use. Her spoken words came back to him--the chain stretched and +stretched. The Beast had lurked indeed, and the Beast, at its hour, had +sprung; it had sprung in that twilight of the cold April when, pale, ill, +wasted, but all beautiful, and perhaps even then recoverable, she had +risen from her chair to stand before him and let him imaginably guess. It +had sprung as he didn't guess; it had sprung as she hopelessly turned +from him, and the mark, by the time he left her, had fallen where it +_was_ to fall. He had justified his fear and achieved his fate; he had +failed, with the last exactitude, of all he was to fail of; and a moan +now rose to his lips as he remembered she had prayed he mightn't know. +This horror of waking--_this_ was knowledge, knowledge under the breath +of which the very tears in his eyes seemed to freeze. Through them, none +the less, he tried to fix it and hold it; he kept it there before him so +that he might feel the pain. That at least, belated and bitter, had +something of the taste of life. But the bitterness suddenly sickened +him, and it was as if, horribly, he saw, in the truth, in the cruelty of +his image, what had been appointed and done. He saw the Jungle of his +life and saw the lurking Beast; then, while he looked, perceived it, as +by a stir of the air, rise, huge and hideous, for the leap that was to +settle him. His eyes darkened--it was close; and, instinctively turning, +in his hallucination, to avoid it, he flung himself, face down, on the +tomb. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BEAST IN THE JUNGLE*** + + +******* This file should be named 1093.txt or 1093.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/9/1093 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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