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diff --git a/10933-0.txt b/10933-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c0009e --- /dev/null +++ b/10933-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2260 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10933 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TIFFANY & CO., | + | | + | UNION SQUARE, | + | | + | Offer a large and choice stock of | + | | + | LADIES' WATCHES, | + | | + | Of all sizes and every variety of Casing, with Movements | + | of the finest quality. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER, | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. II. No. 38 + + +SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie Flowers," +"Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large and small. + +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. + +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. + +L. PRANG & CO., Boston + + * * * * * + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | [Illustration: The most Preferred Stock on the Market.] | + | | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HIRAM GREEN, ESQ., | + | LAIT GUSTICE OF THE PEECE. | + | | + | Now writing for "Punchinello," | + | | + | IS PREPARED TO DISCOURSE BEFORE LYCEUMS | + | AND ASSOCIATIONS, ON | + | | + | "BILE." | + | | + | Address for terms &c., | + | W. A. WILKINS, | + | | + | Care of Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | 83 Nassau Street New York. | + | P.O. Box No. 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | JOHN NICKINSON, | + | | + | ROOM No. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | DAILY DEMOCRAT, | + | | + | _AN EVENING PAPER._ | + | | + | JAMES H. LAMBERT, | + | | + | EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR. | + | | + | All the news fifteen hours in advance of Morning Papers. | + | | + | PRICE TWO CENTS. | + | | + | Subscription price by mail, $6.00. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 8 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six Per Cent. Interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President._ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FACTS FOR THE LADIES. | + | | + | I have a Wheeler & Wilson machine (No. 289), bought of Mr. | + | Gardner in 1853, he having used it a year. I have used it | + | constantly, in shirt manufacturing as well as family sewing, | + | sixteen years. My wife ran it four years, and earned between | + | $700 and $800, besides doing her housework. I have never | + | expended fifty cents on it for repairs. It is, to-day, in | + | the best of order, stitching fine linen bosoms nicely. I | + | started manufacturing shirts with this machine, and now have | + | over one hundred of them in use. I have paid at least $3,000 | + | for the stitching done by this old machine, and it will do | + | as much now as any machine I have. | + | | + | W.F. TAYLOR. | + | | + | BERLIN, N.Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The only Journal of its kind in America!! | + | | + | The American Chemist: | + | | + | A MONTHLY JOURNAL | + | | + | OF | + | | + | Theoretical, Analytical, and Technical Chemistry | + | | + | DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS. | + | | + | EDITED BY Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W. H. Chandler. | + | | + | The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | + | reception of original articles from any part of the country, | + | subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any | + | point of interest within the scope of the Journal will | + | receive prompt attention. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. Subscription, | + | $5.00 per annum. In advance. 50 cts. per number. Specimen | + | copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO--the only first-class, | + | original, illustrated, humorous and satirical weekly paper | + | published in this country--ending with No. 26, September 24, | + | 1870, | + | | + | Bound In Extra Cloth, | + | | + | is now ready for delivery, | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | + | price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | + | and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid), will be sent to | + | any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | + | extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | + | subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, | + | for $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | + | electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Salable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in Post-Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper everywhere. Send for our | + | Special Circular. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N.Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No. 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + + MAN AND WIVES. + +A TRAVESTY. + +By MOSE SKINNER. + +CHAPTER FIFTH. + +QUEER DOINGS AT THE HALF-WAY HOUSE. + +"Tell the minister," said ANN to TEDDY, "to come in. If I don't get a +husband out of this _somehow_, I ain't smart. I'll just marry the man +I've got here." + +ARCHIBALD sank down on the sofa, bathed in a cold perspiration. + +"Oh, _don't_" he groaned; "you mustn't. 'Twasn't my fault; JEFF sent +me." + +Her eyes flashed on him angrily. + +"Yes, you helped JEFF set a trap for _me_," said she, "and you've fell +into it yourself. Come, here's the minister." + +But ARCHIBALD didn't come, he only turned white, and made a gurgling +noise. + +"There should be somebody here competent to give away the bridegroom," +said the minister, with an air of annoyance. + +"Sure, and it's meself as'll do that same," said TEDDY, obeying a nod +from ANN. + +"Away now with sich modeshty, youngster. Bear up and be a man. It'll +soon be over. And if ye make a fuss," he added in a whisper, "I'll knock +the head off ye. Do ye mind that?" Then, as if relating his experience +to a large and sympathetic audience: "'Twas just that way I felt meself +like, when the knot was tied. Wake in the knees sim'larly, and a faylin' +like I was a cold dish-cloth wrung out. But Lord, he'll hold up his head +agin, _I'll_ warrant ye." + +"Oh, why can't you let me go?" begged ARCHIBALD, "I ain't done nothin'." + +TEDDY smiled. 'Twas such a smile as a dentist gives, just before he +swoops upon his prey. + +"Did you iver now?" said he, appealing to the minister. "What a man it +is. As bashful as a young gyrl, without a mammy to smooth it over. +Steady now. There you are, as nice as a cotton hat," he continued, as he +put ARCHIBALD'S arm within ANN'S. "Lean aginst me as hard as iver ye +like, man. I well knows as I'll nivir git me reward in _this_ world, for +all the young cooples as I've startid in life, but, thank Hevins, +there's another." + +The ceremony commenced. + +What can one coy youth do, single-handed, against a woman who is +determined to marry him? Like the beautiful young lady in the endless +love-stories, who faints at the altar with her hard-hearted father, the +Duke, on one side, and the relentless bridegroom, the Count, on the +other, ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP was hemmed in by destiny. There was alas! no +steel-clad knight with his visor down, to rush in, and shout in trumpet +tones: "_Hold! I forbid the bans--_ To be continued in our next. Back +numbers sent to any address." No. Steel-clad knights are, unfortunately, +somewhat scarce in Indiana, and so the ceremony continued. + +TEDDY was first bridesman. He not only supported ARCHIBALD, but he held +his head and jerked it forward occasionally, thus assisting in the +responses. + +The ceremony concluded. + +At its close ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, according to the Law of Indiana, was a +Man and One Wife. + +At its close ANN BRUMMET, according to the same Law, was a Woman and One +Husband. + +The world is large. To a woman of her immense strategical resources this +was but a fair beginning. Blest with a good constitution and rare +matrimonial attainments, why should she falter in the good work thus +begun? + +They picked the new-made husband up, limp as a rag, and laid him +tenderly on the sofa. TEDDY and the minister withdrew, and the Honeymoon +commenced. + +ARCHIBALD began to recover. "Where am I?" he moaned faintly. + +"You're married," said ANN. + +He groaned, and wiped the perspiration from his pallid brow. + +"Can I go home?" he inquired feebly. + +"Yes," replied ANN. "Go, and when I want you I'll come for you. Tell +your _dear_ BELINDA that ANN BRUMMET, the poor relation, has got ahead +of her on _this_ heat. She didn't think, did she, when she was courting +you, that she was only just getting you ready for me?" + +But before she was through, ARCHIBALD, moaning in broken accents that he +wished he was dead, had rushed frantically from the house. + +ANN was congratulating herself on her success, when there came another +rap from TEDDY. + +"Sure and it's your lawyer this time. Will I sind him away?" + +"No," said ANN, "I want to see him. And bring in some oysters and +sherry. I'm getting hungry." + +"Well," said the lawyer, entering and taking a chair familiarly, where's +your man?" + +"Gone," said ANN. + +"What! without the divorce? Whew! that's _too_ bad. How did it happen?" + +"JEFF didn't come," replied ANN. "He sent a substitute. But I wasn't +going to be fooled that way, so I just drafted _him_ instead." + +"What! _married_ him?" queried the lawyer, incredulously. + +"Yes, why not? DIGBY was here, you see, and I could not find it in my +heart to cheat the poor man out of a job, with a large family on his +hands, too." And she laughed. + +"Well, that _is_ a joke," was the lawyer's reply. And he rubbed his +hands appreciatively. "Who is the fellow? What's his name?" + +"BLINKSOP," said ANN, "ARCHIBALD. Oh, won't there be a row," she +chuckled. "He's engaged to my cousin BELINDA, you see." + +At this juncture TEDDY entered with the oysters and sherry. + +"Come," said ANN to the lawyer, "sit up here and have something to eat, +and I'll tell you all about it. TEDDY," she continued facetiously, "will +you ask a blessing?" + +TEDDY closed his eyes reverentially. + +"For what I'm going to resayve out of this," said he, "may I be truly +thankful, and, oh Lord! I wish 'twas more." And he went out with a +solemn air. + +"Did I understand you to say," inquired the lawyer, after he had +animated his diaphragm with two glasses of sherry, "that this BLINKSOP +is engaged to your cousin?" + +"Yes," replied ANN, struggling with a very large oyster. "I call her +cousin, but there's no blood-relation." + +"When did the engagement take place?" he inquired, hoisting another +glass of sherry. + +"Only yesterday; but it's pretty well known that she's been soft on him +for a good while." + +"Has the engagement been formally announced?" said he, holding the now +empty bottle upside down, and squeezing it vigorously. "Let me fill your +glass," he continued, holding the bottle to the light and examining it +critically, with one eye closed. + +"No, I thank you, I've got enough. Yes," she went on, "the engagement +was known far and wide in less than two hours. There was a croquet party +at the house yesterday, and BELINDA told 'em all. Why?" + +"Because," replied the lawyer, setting his glass upside down, and +rolling the empty bottle along the floor, with a dejected air, "because +it may affect this marriage of yours." + +"What, my marriage with BLINKSOP?" + +"Yes." + +"In what way?" + +"It may test its legality," was the answer. "Mind, I don't say your +marriage is not valid; but, in this State, if a couple solemnly engage +themselves, they are, to all intents and purposes, legally married. In +New England it is even more rigid. There, I understand, if a young man +goes home with a young lady on a Sunday evening, it is considered as +good as an engagement; and if, on the next Sunday evening, he goes home +with another young lady, he is looked upon as a fickle-minded miscreant, +capable of ruining a whole town. Little children avoid him, and even +dogs go round the corner at his approach. Now, if this BLINKSOP chooses +to contest this, marriage, I think--mind you, I only _think_--that with +this previous engagement to back his unwillingness to marry you, this +marriage will go for nothing." + +Having delivered this legal opinion with an air of profound wisdom, and +the most acute penetration, he leaned back in his chair, crossed his +legs, and regarded his empty glass as with the air of a man whose +fondest hopes in that direction had been ruthlessly crushed. And ANN was +walking the floor thoroughly excited. + +"It's just my confounded luck," said she, angrily, "just as I was +counting on galling BELINDA, too. I don't believe," she added after a +pause, "that BLINKSOP'S got spunk enough to contest it." + +"Perhaps not; but if he _should_----" + +"Well, what shall I do?" she interrupted, impatiently. + +The lawyer reached deliberately over the table, and drank the few drops +of wine that remained in ANN'S glass. + +"Do," said he, slowly, "just what you were going to do, in the first +place." + +"What! Marry JEFFRY MAULBOY?" + +The lawyer nodded. + +"But it's too late now. He wouldn't come." + +"Try it," was the lawyer's answer. "_Urge_ him," he added, +significantly. + +The woman who hesitates is lost. ANN hesitated, but she wasn't lost. No; +she rather thought she was found. + +"I'll do it, old boy," she finally said, "if I can find him, high or +low. See here, if you don't hear from me, come here day after +to-morrow--will you--and bring DIGBY with you?" + +The lawyer promised, and took his departure. + +ANN immediately wrote a letter, sealed and directed it to JEFFRY +MAULBOY, and rung for TEDDY. + +"Do you know of a man named JEFFRY MAULBOY?" said she. + +TEDDY opened his eyes very wide. + +"What, the Prize-Fighter?" said he. "It's a jokin' ye are; fur how could +ye ask that same, afther I see him giv' TIM MCGONIGLE sich an illegant +knock-down with me own eyes, at the torchlight procession in the fall of +the winter? And JIM, with a shlit in his ear as was bewtifool to look +at, jumps up, and says he----" + +He paused, for tears stood in ANN'S eyes. The reminiscence was too much +for her overcharged soul. + +"Yes," she murmured. "He was always just such a lovely brick, was JEFF." +Then she added, with an effort: "I want you to take this letter to him +the first thing in the morning. Go to Mrs. LADLE'S first, and if he +ain't there--Do you know where his folks live?" + +"I do that. It's a lawyer his father is, and lives at Western Bend. I'll +find him, mum, sure." + +"Do it," said ANN, "and I'll find _you_ for a month." + +TEDDY took the letter and retired to his room. + +"To JIFFRY MAULBOY the Prize-Fighter," said he, patting it lovingly. +"Well-a-day! Who'd a thought it now? _Here's_ somethin to be proud of. +_Here's_ somethin to boast of like, a settin' at the fireside, mebbe, +with me little ansisters upon me knees. 'And it's meself, me little +ducks,' I'd say, 'as carried a letther, with me _own hands_, to the +great JIFFRY MAULBOY, as wiped out PATSY MCFADDEN in a fair shtand-up +fight, and giv' TIM MCGONIGLE a private mark as he carried to his +grave.' I wonder what's in it?" he continued, holding it up to the +light. "Divil a word now can I see. That's illaygil, and shows there's +mischief brewin'. Now what would an unconvarted haythen do as hadn't the +moril welfare of the community a layin' close to his heart like? Carry +the letther, and ax no questions. But what would an airnest Christian +do, who's a bloomin' all over with religion, and looks upon the piety of +the public as the apple of his eye? He'd take his pinknife, jist so, and +shlip the blade under the saylin'-wax, jist so, and pacify his +conscience like by raydin' the letther." + +Having convinced himself that the operation, viewed in a purely +religious light, was strictly mercantile, TEDDY snuffed the candle with +his thumb and forefinger, and spread the letter on the table. + +It ran thus:-- + +"HALF-WAY HOUSE, June 30th--Evening. + +"JEFFRY MAULBOY:--You have gone back on your word, and made a desperate +woman of me. I'll do all I threatened, and more. I have just written to +Mrs. CUPID, and kept back _nothing_. If you ain't here by day after +to-morrow, ready to marry me, _as you agreed to_, I'll send the letter, +and go to her besides. Do as you please. I don't care for _my_ future, +if you don't for _yours_. Trust the bearer. + +"ANN BRUMMET." + +TEDDY read it twice. Then he held up his hands, lost in admiration. + +"Married to one man, and a goin' for another afore the ceremony is cold! +What talints! What nupchility! Oh, what an illegant Mormyn is bein' +wastid in this very house! If ye could grow a daughter like _that_, +TEDDY me boy, she'd sit ye up for life." He shook his head, sighed +heavily, and gazed wistfully at the letter. + +"I couldn't look poshterity in the face," he continued, with a +self-accusing air, "without a copy of that letther." + +He went and got writing materials with evident reluctance, and after +three or four trials, succeeded in producing a very good duplicate of +ANN'S letter, bearing himself, throughout, like a man who sees his duty +plainly before him, and does it without flinching. + +He put the duplicate in the envelope, sealed it carefully, put the +original in his pocket, and in ten minutes was abed and asleep. + +(To be continued.) + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S PLAN FOR THE PREVENTION AND DETECTION OF CRIME. + +In view of the amount of crime which the detective police is apparently +unable to trace to its authors, and the number of criminals who +constantly elude arrest, Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs to submit an entirely new +and original plan for the prevention and detection of crime, which he +hopes will receive the favorable consideration of the powers that be. + +In the first place, he would recommend that all Jail Birds be +immediately transported to the Canary Islands. + +_Second._ The entire population of the City of New York should be +organized into a Vigilance Committee. This force should be employed +night and day in watching the remaining inhabitants and outsiders. Any +member found asleep on his (lamp) post should be drawn (by our special +artist) and quartered (in a station-house for the night). + +_Third._ All residents should be compelled, on pain of being instantly +garroted, to surrender their valuables, and even their invaluables, to +the Property Clerk, Comic Headquarters, PUNCHINELLO Office, who should +be held strictly irresponsible and be well paid for it. + +_Fourth._ Everybody should be instantly arrested and held to bail, as a +precaution against the escape of wrong-doers. It should be made the duty +of proprietors of liquor saloons to Bale out their customers when "too +full." + +_Fifth._ Any person found with a 'Dog' in his possession should be +compelled to give a strict account of himself; the 'Dog' should be +Collared, sent to the Pound, closely interrogated, and his evidence +carefully Weighed. In cases of 'Barking up the Wrong Tree' the person +unjustly arrested should be indemnified. + +_Sixth._ The City Government should immediately offer an immense reward +for the invention of a telescope of sufficient power to detect crime +whenever and wherever committed within the city limits. This instrument +should be placed on the summit of the dome of the New County Court +House, and a competent scientific person appointed to be continually on +the look-out, and his observations noted down by a Stenographer. + +_Seventh._ There should be frequent balloon ascensions in various parts +of the city, under the direction of distinguished aeronauts, for the +purpose of watching the behavior of evil disposed persons. In order that +these aerial movements may excite no suspicion in the minds of persons +under surveillance, the balloons should ascend high enough to be out of +sight. They will then be out of mind. + +_Eighth._ A Sub-Committee should be chosen, the members of which shall +hang about the various haunts of vice in back slums, and learn as much +as possible of the nefarious projects of the desperate characters who +frequent such dens. Each member should report daily, and if he is not +familiar with the 'flash' dialect in which thieves converse (which is +very improbable, if chosen as suggested), should take care to provide +himself with a copy of GROSE'S Slang Dictionary or Vocabulary of Gross +Language, which will the better enable him to understand it. + +_Ninth._ A strict blockade of the port should be maintained, to prevent +the ingress of bad characters from abroad, and especially from the now +Radical State of New Jersey, with which ferry-boat communication should +be immediately cut off. + +_Tenth._ A Reformatory School in which the Dangerous Classes might +(except during recitations) be kept under restraint would be a great +public benefit. The study of metaphysics should be prohibited at such an +institution. Burglars especially should not be allowed to Open Locke on +the Human Understanding. + + * * * * * + +The Worst Kind of "Paris Green." + +It is stated by observant _flâneurs_ that much _absinthe_ is consumed by +ladies who frequent fashionable up-town restaurants. One lovely blonde +has grown so _absinthe_-minded from the habit, that she regularly leaves +the restaurant without paying for her luncheon. + + * * * * * + +Quarrelsome in their Cups. + +Should the European Powers get into a fight over the Sublime Porte, what +a strong argument it would be in favor of temperance! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ABOUT A FOOT. + +_Mr. Bunyan (whose corns have just been subjected to severe pressure)._ +"YOU OLD BEGGAR, YOU!" + +_Mr. Lightfoot (who is a little hard of hearing)._ "NO APOLOGY +NECESSARY, I ASSURE YOU, SIR; MATTER OF NO CONSEQUENCE WHATEVER; PRAY +DON'T MENTION IT."] + + * * * * * + +MR. BEZZLE'S DREAM. + +MR. BEZZLE was the editor and proprietor of a large and influential +newspaper that sold two for a cent, and had special correspondents in +every corner of the office. By honest industry and a generous disregard +of what went into the newspaper, so that it paid, he had raised himself +to the highest rung of fortune's ladder, and we all know what tall +ringing _that_ is. He used to say that to accept one kind of +advertisement and to reject another, was an injustice to the public and +an outrage upon society, and that strict integrity required that he +should accept, at as much as he could get a line, every advertisement +sent for insertion. It would have done you good to have witnessed Mr. +BEZZLE'S integrity in this respect, and the noble spirit of +self-sacrifice with which he resolved that none of the public should be +slighted. He used to laugh to scorn the transcendental notion about the +editorial columns not being purchased, "If my opinions are worth +anything," he used to exclaim, "they are worth being paid for; and if I +unsay to-morrow what I said yesterday, the contradiction is only +apparent, and is in accordance with the great spirit of progress and the +breaking up of old institutions." The sequel to this magnanimous career +may be imagined. The enterprise paid so well that old BEZZLE found it to +his interest to employ a man at fifteen dollars a week to do nothing +else but write notes from "Old Subscribers," informing BEZZLE that they +had taken his "valuable paper" for over twenty years, that no family +should be without it, and that they would rather, any morning, go +without their breakfast than go without reading the _Hifalutin' +Harbinger_. One day, when BEZZLE had been an editor for forty years, he +fell asleep and had a dreadful dream. He thought that he rose early one +morning, dressed himself in his best suit of broadcloth, which he had +taken for a bad debt, walked up to the ticket office of a theatre where +he was well known, and asked for a couple of seats. The gentlemanly +treasurer (was there ever a treasurer that wasn't gentlemanly in a +newspaper notice?) handed him two of the best seats in the house--end +seats, middle aisle, six rows from the stage. Mr. BEZZLE slapped down a +five-dollar bill with that air of virtue which had become a second +nature to him. (Second nature, by the by, is no more like nature at +first hand than second childhood is like real childhood.) + +"Why, Mr. BEZZLE!" exclaimed the treasurer, "have you taken leave of +your senses, sir? Put that back in your pocket;" and he pointed to the +recumbent bank-note. "Who ever heard of an editor paying for two seats +at the theatre since the world began? What have we ever done to offend +you, Mr. BEZZLE, that you should behave thus?" + +"Sir," said Mr. BEZZLE, "I once was young, but now am old. I see the +error of my editorial ways, and have resolved to mend 'em. My columns +are _not_ to be bought, sir. My dramatic critic is not to be suborned. I +am determined to tear down the flaunting lie with which THESPIS has so +long concealed her blushless face, and to show the deluded public the +cothurnus bespattered, and the sock and buskin draggled in the mire. +Perish my theatrical advertising columns when I cease to tell the truth! +There is the sum twice told: I pays my money and I takes my choice. +Never mind the change." And with these words Mr. BEZZLE stalked off, his +face crimson with a rush of aesthetics to the head. + +From the theatre Mr. BEZZLE went to the house of a celebrated publisher, +who received him with open arms, and conducted him to a counter where +all the newest and most expensive books were displayed. "We are just +settled in our new quarters," explained the publisher, "and any little +thing you might say about us in your valuable paper would be--I don't +_ask_ it, you know--but it would be--upon my word it would. See here, +Mr. BEZZLE, I want you to pick out from this counter just what you want, +and--" + +"Sir!" exclaimed Mr. BEZZLE, leaping at the publisher with eyes that +fairly blazed with the radiance of rectitude, "who do you take me for?" +If Mr. BEZZLE had been less violent he would probably have said, "_Whom_ +do you take me for," and so have spared himself the ignominy of sinking +to the ungrammatical level of the Common Herd. But the fact is, his +proud spirit was chafed and fretted at the spectacle of sordid +self-seeking that everywhere met his gaze, and excess of sentiment made +him forgetful of syntax. "Mark me, my friend, I am not to be bought," he +continued in unconscious blank verse. "I _shall_ take my pick, sir, and +_you_ will take this check." And he handed the amazed publisher a check +for five hundred dollars. "I sicken, sir," he continued, "of this +qualmish air of half-truth that I have breathed so long. I am going to +read these books, and say what I think of 'em, and five hundred dollars +is dirt cheap for the privilege. I had sooner that every 'New +Publications' ad. should die out of my newspaper than that my literary +columns should be contaminated with a Lie! Never mind the change, sir. +If anything is left over, send it to the proprietor of the new penny +paper that is struggling to keep its head above water. Don't say that it +came from me. Say that it came from a converted roper-in." And Mr. +BEZZLE stalked out of the office in such a tempest of morality that the +publisher felt as though a tidal wave of virtue had swept over him. + +After this, Mr. BEZZLE'S dream became a trifle confused; but he thought +that this noble course of conduct was greatly approved by the public, +that its eminent practicability commended it to all classes of people, +and that theatres, publishers, and others quadrupled their +advertisements. "Ah!" sighed Mr. BEZZLE, rubbing his hands, but still +asleep, "what a sweet thing virtue is! Honesty _is_ the best policy +after all!" + +At this moment his elbow was nudged, and opening his eyes he beheld one +of the office boys, whom he had sent up to the theatre half an hour ago, +to ask for six reserved seats near the stage. + +"Mr. PUPPET says he's very sorry, sir," said the boy, "but the seats is +all taken for to-night, and so he can't send any." + +"Can't send any, can't he?" exclaimed BEZZLE, wide awake. "All right. +Just go to Mr. SNAPPETY, the dramatic editor, for me, and tell him not +to say one word about that theatre in his criticism to-morrow, I'll +teach Mr. PUPPET," etc., etc., etc. + +SPIFFKINS. + + * * * * * + +TURKEYS--A FANTASY. + +[Illustration: Bishop of Turkey] + +We hear a great deal from scientific men about the influence of climate, +atmosphere, and even the proximity of certain mineral substances, upon +the life and welfare of man; but there is yet another vein to be worked +in this region of human knowledge. Taking a chance train of ideas--an +excursion-train, we may say--which came in our way on last Thanksgiving, +we were brought to some interesting conclusions in regard to the +influence exercised by the turkey upon human affairs. The annual +happiness of how many thousands at the return of Thanksgiving Day--the +unfed woes of how many thousands more--does this estimable fowl revolve +within his urbane crop! Every kernel of grain which he picks from the +barn-floor may represent an instant of masticatory joy held in store for +some as yet unconscious maxillary; we may weigh the bird by the amount +of happiness he will afford. When we go to market, to barter for our +Thanksgiving turkey, we inquire substantially of the spruce vender, +glistening in his white apron: "How much gustatory delight does yonder +cock contain?" And he, gross slave of matter, doth respond, giving the +estimate in dollars and parts of dollars! + +But how inadequate is any material representative of his value to us. +Indeed, it is next to impossible to conceive of the niceties involved in +this question of how much we owe the turkey. For him the country air has +been sweetened; the rain has fallen that he might thrive; the wheat and +barley sprouted that he might be fed. A shade more of leanness in the +legs, one jot less of rotundity in the breast--what misery might not +these seemingly trivial incidents have created? A failure in the supply +of turkeys?--it would have been a national calamity! What were life, +indeed, without the turkey? + +As for Thanksgiving, the turkey he is it. _Paris, c'est la France!_ +Remove the turkey, and you undermine Thanksgiving. How could a +conscientious man go to church on Thanksgiving morning, knowing within +himself that he shall return to beef, or mutton, or veal for his dinner, +as on work-days? I tell you, religion would disappear with the turkey. + +Toward the close of Thanksgiving, how manifest becomes the influence of +this feathered sovereign. Observe yonder jaundiced youth pacing the +street moodily, his lips set in a cynic sneer. His turkey was lean. I +know it. He cannot hide that turkey. The gaunt fowl obtrudes himself +from every part. On the other hand, none but the primest of prime +turkeys could have set in motion this brisk old gentleman with the ruddy +check and hale, clear eye, whom we next pass. A most stanch and royal +turkey lurks behind that portly front--a sound and fresh animal, with +plenty of cranberries to boot.--What are these soldiers? Carpet-knights +who have united their thanks over a grand regimental banquet. What +frisky gobblers they have shared in, to be sure! They prance and amble +over the pavements as if they had absorbed the very soul of Chanticleer, +and fancied themselves once more princes of the barnyard. The most +singular and freakish of the turkey's manifestations this, by far! + +Indeed, on a review of these suggestive facts, we cannot but feel a +marvellous reverence for the potent cock, established as patron of this +feast. This sentiment is wide-spread among our people, and perhaps it is +not too fanciful to predict that it will some day expand itself to a +_cultus_ like that of the Egyptian APIS, or, more properly, the Stork of +Japan. The advanced civilization of the Chinese, indeed, has already +made the Chicken an object of religious veneration. In the slow march of +ages we shall perhaps develop our as yet crude and imperfect religions +into an exalted worship of the Turkey. Then shall the symbolic bird, +trussed as for Thanksgiving, be enshrined in all our temples, and the +multitudes making pilgrimage from afar to such sanctuaries shall be +greeted by an inscription over the temple-gate of BRILLAT SAVARIN'S +axiom:-- + +"Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are." + + * * * * * + +BOOTS. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO:--Breaking in a young span of boots is ecstasy, or would +be, if fitting bootmakers could be found; but there's the pinch, though +they do give you fits sometimes. + +Getting tailored to suit me, the next thing was to get booted, I +succeeded. It cost me nineteen dollars. + +I'd willingly return the compliment for nothing. + +At last my boots were finished, and I went into them right and left; at +least, I tried so to do. + +With every nerve flashing lightning, I pulled and tugged most +thrillingly, but in vain. + +"There's no putting my foot in it," says I. + +"Give one more try," says he. + +Although almost tried out, I generously gave one more. I placed the +bootmaker's awl in one strap, and his last-hook in the other, and with +"two roses" mantling my cheeks, postured for the contest. + +I tried the heeling process, and earnestly endeavored to toe the mark; +but to successfully start the thing on foot was a bootless effort. + +Then I slumberously gravitated, and dreamed thus:-- + +Old "LEATHERBRAINS" in SATAN'S livery, producing a hammer from a +carpet-bag (he was a carpet-bagger), proceeded to shape my feet, and +fill them with shoe-pegs. + +My nap was ruffled, and not to be continued under those circumstances, +so I wisely concluded it. + +"They're on!" says the bootmaker. + +And a tight on it was, excruciatingly so. + +I suspected at the time that I had been put to sleep by chloroform, but +I afterward remembered that a feeble youth was reading aloud from the +Special Cable Dispatches of the _Tribune._ + +My feelings centred in those boots, tears filled my eyes, and I was dumb +with emotion, but quickly reviving, I slaked the cordwainer with a flood +of rabid eloquence. + +The cowering wretch suggested that they would stretch. He lied, the +villain, he lied, they shrank. + +However, "in verdure clad," I was persuaded into wearing them, and +stiffly sidled off, a badgered biped, my head swinging round the circle, +and my voice hanging on the verge of profanity all the way. + +As fit boots they were a most successful failure. I gave them to the +office boy; but the crutches I afterward bought him cost me twenty-seven +dollars. + +Henceforth I shall take my cue from JOHN CHINAMAN, and encase my +understanding in wood. Yours calmly, + +VICTOR KING. + + * * * * * + +Recognized at Last. + +A recent telegram from London says:-- + +"The Prussian hussars rode down and out to pieces a regiment of marine +infantry." + +Hooray! Cheer, boys, cheer! The mythical Horse-Marines are +thus at last recognized as an accomplished fact. + + * * * * * + +"As I was going to St. Ives." + +At St. Ives, Huntingdonshire, England, Lord ROBERT MONTAGU, M.P., was +lately burned in effigy by some intelligent boors, because he had joined +the Roman Catholic faith. That tells badly for the burners, who should +not have cared an _f i g_ about the matter. + + * * * * * + +"Walker." + +MCETTRICK, the pedestrian, was arrested at Boston, a few days since, for +giving an exhibition without a license. He gave bail. Probably +_leg_-bail. + + * * * * * + +On the Bench + +When is a judge like the structures that are to support the Brooklyn +Suspension-Bridge? When he's called a _caisson._ + + * * * * * + +AN OFFICER WHO MUST ALWAYS BE OUT OF GUN-SHOT RANGE. + +General FARRE. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +By this time everybody has seen _Rip Van Winkle,_ and everybody has +expressed the same unbounded admiration of Mr. JEFFERSON'S matchless +genius. But the world never has been, and doubtless never will be, +without the pestiferous presence of Reformers, Men of Progress, Earnest +Men, who insist upon improving everything after their own fashion, and +who are unhappy because they did not have the opportunity of making the +solar year consist of an even number of days, and because they were not +present at the building of the Ark, in order to urge upon NOAH the +propriety of attaching a screw propeller to that primitive Great +Eastern. These horribly energetic nuisances never find anything that +precisely suits them, and are always insisting that everything stands in +need of the improvements which they gratuitously suggest. Latterly they +have ventured to attack _Rip Van Winkle,_--not the actor, but the +play,--and to insist that the closing scene should be so modified as to +make the play a temperance lecture of the most unmistakable character. + +If you recollect--as of course you do--the last scene in that exquisite +drama, you can still hear "RIP'S" tremulous voice as he says, "I will +take my pipe and my glass, and will tell my strange story to all my +friends. And I will drink _your_ good health, and your family's, and may +you live long and prosper." And now come the Progressive Nuisances, and +ask Mr. JEFFERSON to change this ending so that it will read as +follows:-- + +GRETCHEN.--"Here is your glass, RIP." + +RIP.--"But I swore off." + +GRETCHEN.--"Bless you, my husband. Promise me never more to touch the +intoxicating beer-mug." + +RIP.--"I promise. Hereafter I will take my TUPPER'S Proverbial +Philosophy and my glass of water, and I will daily address all my +friends on the subject of total abstinence from everything that cheers, +whether it inebriates or not. And I will now close this evening's +lecture by an appeal to the audience now present, to take warning by me, +and never drink a drop of lager-beer. Think, my friends, what would be +the feelings of your respective wives, should you return home, after a +drunken sleep of twenty or thirty years, and find them all married to +richer husbands! Think how they would revile the weakness of the beer +which could not keep you asleep forever. Think how you would complicate +the real estate business, when you came to turn out the mistaken people +who had occupied, improved, and sold your property during your brief +absence. Think of the difficulties that would arise from the increase in +the size of your families, which would probably have taken place while +you were sleeping out in the open air, and for which you would have to +provide, although you had not been consulted in the matter. Think, too, +of the extent to which you would be interviewed by the reporters of the +_Sun_, and the atrocious libels concerning yourselves and your families +which that unclean sheet would publish. Think of all these things, my +friends, and then step into the box-office on your way out and sign the +total abstinence pledge. The ushers will now make a collection for the +support of the temperance cause. Mr. MOLLENHAUER will please lead the +audience in singing that beautiful temperance anthem--" + + "'Cold water is the only thing + Worth loving here below; + The man who won't its praises sing, + Will straight to Hades go.'" + +Now, for one, I don't like this improved version of "RIP." Of course, +the Temperance Reformers will construe this expression of opinion into +an admission that every man, woman, or advocate of female suffrage, who +has ever written a line for PUNCHINELLO is a confirmed drunkard. In +spite of this probability, I still have the courage to maintain that so +long as Mr. JEFFERSON is an artist, and not a temperance lecturer, he +need not mix up the drama with the Temperance Reform, or any other +hobby. If he is to be compelled to deliver a temperance address every +time he plays _Rip Van Winkle,_ let us compel Mr. GREELEY to play "RIP" +every time he gives a temperance lecture. If the latter catastrophe were +to happen, the punishment of the Reforming Nuisances would be complete. + +There are, however, plays which could be changed so as to terminate much +more naturally and effectively than they now do. For example, there is +_Enoch Arden._ At present ENOCH, when he looks through the window and +sees his wife enjoying herself with PHILIP in the dining-room, +immediately lies down on the grass-plat in the back-yard, and groans in +a most harrowing style,--after which he picks himself up, and, going +back to his hotel, dies without so much as recognizing his old friends +and congratulating them upon their prosperity. Now the way in which the +play should have ended, had the dramatist wished to convince us that +"ENOCH" was a reasonable being, would have been somewhat as follows:-- + +ENOCH (looking through the window).--"Well, here's a go. My wife has +actually married PHILIP. They look pretty comfortable, too. PHILIP is +evidently rich. Here's luck for me at last. I've got him where I can +strike him pretty heavily." _[He enters the house,]_ + +PHILIP AND HIS WIFE.--"ENOCH! Can it be possible? Why, we thought you +were entirely dead, and so we married. Well! well! This is a healthy +state of things." + +ENOCH (sternly).--"Mr. PHILIP RAY. You have had the impertinence to +marry my wife. Sir! I consider that you have taken an unjustifiable +liberty. Have you anything to say for yourself before I proceed to shoot +you? I might mention that I once had a third cousin whose aunt by +marriage was slightly insane, so you see that I can kill you with a calm +certainty that the jury will acquit me, on the ground of my hereditary +insanity." + +PHILIP.--"Take a drink, old boy. We'll be reasonable about this matter. +Don't attempt murder,--it's no longer respectable since MCFARLAND went +into the business. Why can't we compromise this affair?" + +ENOCH.--"It will cost you something. There are my lacerated feelings, +which can't be repaired without a good deal of expense. Still I will do +the fair thing by you. Give me fifty thousand dollars and I'll leave the +country and say nothing more about it. You can keep my wife, if you want +her. I'm sure _I_ don't." + +PHILIP.--"But I've been to a good deal of expense about her. Her clothes +have cost me no end of money, and there are all our new children +besides. Children, let me tell you, are a great deal more expensive now +than they were in your day. Now, I'll give you twenty thousand dollars, +and your wife, and we'll call it square." + +ENOCH.--"No, sir. I don't want the wife, and I insist on more than +twenty thousand dollars. I've got you entirely in my power, and you know +it. I'll come down to forty thousand dollars, but not a cent less. Draw +a check on the bank, or I'll draw a revolver on you. Be quick about it, +too, for my hereditary insanity may develop itself at any moment." + +PHILIP.--"Well, if I must, I must. Here is your money. How did you leave +things at--well, at the place you came from? Everybody well, I hope?" + +ENOCH.--"There were no people, and consequently nothing to drink there. +Don't speak of the wretched place. Thanks for the check. Hope you'll +find your wife satisfactory. Let this be a warning to you, not to marry +a widow another time, unless you have a sure thing. Don't believe her +when she says her husband is dead, unless you have him dug up, and +personally inspect his bones. Thank you! I _will_ take another drink +since you insist upon it. Here's luck! You'll agree with me that this is +the best day's work I have ever done. Good-by. I'm off to Chicago." + +Now, would not that be the way in which "ENOCH" would have acted had he +been a practical business man? You see the play thus altered is +eminently probable, not to say realistic. I have several more improved +catastrophes, which, if substituted for the present ending of some of +our more recent popular plays, would render them quite perfect. _Hamlet_ +especially needs changing in this respect. Some of these days I will +show the readers of PUNCHINELLO how SHAKSPEARE should have ended that +drama. I rather think they will agree with me, that SHAKSPEARE, clever +as he doubtless was in certain respects, knew very little about writing +plays that should be at once effective and probable. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +ON THE ROAD TO ROUEN. + + The Prussians. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN BULL DETECTS A BEAR-FACED INTRUDER UPON THE PRIVACY +OF THE BLACK SEA.] + + * * * * * + +"AB" + +I. + + Absinthe's a cunning word + Dram-drinkers to entice, + It comes from a Greek root which means + The opposite of nice. + +II. + + The wormwood shrub its gall + Essentially doth give + To "ab" by which so many die. + For which so many live. + +III. + + Its color is sea-green. + And should you enter where + The blissful stimulant is sold. + You'll see green people there. + +IV. + + King DEATH no longer drenches + With "coal-black wine" his throttle. + But slakes the drouth of his awful mouth + With pulls at the _absinthe_ bottle. + +V. + + And why should we repine + At the poison that's in his cup, + Since the fools we can spare are everywhere + And "_ab_" will use them up? + +VI. + + Then heigh! for the wormwood shrub. + And ho! for the sea-green liquor + That softens the brain to sillybub + And turns the blood to ichor! + + * * * * * + +GRAIN ELEVATORS. + +Rye cocktails. + + * * * * * + +ODD REQUEST. + +Bishop Potter having forbidden the celebration of the Holy Communion +privately at St. Sacrament Mission, when a priest is the only +communicant, it seems that Father BEADLEY "has asked for the _formation +of thirty persons_, one of whom shall commune with him each day." + +When Father B.'s thirty communing persons are fully "formed," we should +like to take a look at them. We should expect to find that a new race is +started at last. This would be disagreeable news to Professor DARWIN, +but there are plenty of other and rival Professors who would be +delighted at the phenomenon. Twenty-nine at least of the newly-formed +"persons" will always be "on view," as but one of the thirty can be +engaged at a time. Doubtless they will be able to converse in the +American language, and it will be _so_ interesting to hear them talk! To +tell how they feel, and what they think of things! + +We should look for original and piquant views of everything and +everybody. If they should appeal to Nature's Standard, and pronounce Mr. +PUNCHINELLO the handsomest man in New York, who could wonder? They would +simply confirm the opinions of connoisseurs. + +We hope they will give us a call as soon as "formed." Give us but the +opportunity, and we promise to make something of these unsophisticated +"persons." If we can but succeed in impressing on their plastic young +minds the principles which have hitherto guided us in our own glorious +path, we shall have no idle fears of their future. They will be all +right from the start. Just as the twig is bent, or rather straightened, +the high old tree has got to shoot up. + +We look with interest for news of this unique formation. + + * * * * * + +Rebottling his Wrath. + + BOTTLED BUTLER talks fierce against poor JOHN BULL, + All the British he'd kill at one slap, + With their bones Bully BEN a canal would fill full-- + The one that he dug at Dutch Gap. + + * * * * * + +Con by a Switch-tender. + +Why is a railway accident like a dandy? Because it's death on the Ties. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BONED TURKEY. + +_John Bull._ "WELL, NOW, THIS IS TOO BAD!--HERE'S THIS ROOSHAN FELLER +BEEN AND GOBBLED UP ALL THE TURKEY!"] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN'S FASHION REPORT. + +The only Strictly Reliable Report on the Market. + + +A full-dressed girl of the Period, as she sails out for an afternoon +airin, looks like somethin as I imagine the north pole would, with a 1/2 +dozen rainbows rapt about it. She is a sorter of a flag-staff, from +whose perpendicularity the ensines of all nations blows and flaps, and +any man base enuff to haul down one solitary flag will be shot on the +spot. _A far dixy_. Tellin the thing jest as it is, there's more +flummy-diddles and mushroon attachments to a woman's toggery nowadays +than there is honest men in Wall street. + +Durin the past season, overskirts and p-an-ears have been looped up, +makin the fair secks look as if she was gettin her garments in trim to +leep over some frog-pond. + +The only change in overskirts now, is that they have been let down a few +pegs, giving the fair wearer an appearance of havin landed safe on +tother side of the Pollywog Asilum, which she has been all summer waitin +to jump over. + +LONG TRAILLIN DRESSES are agin comin into fashin, to the great detriment +of the legitimate okerpashon of street-sweepin. + +I understand that MARK TWAIN endorses long traillin skirts, and compels +his new infant to wear 'em. How schockin! + +JET TRIMMINS are agin to have a run. The United States Sennit will +probably _Read_ in a few black _orniments_ this winter. + +SHAWL SOOTS are a pooty gay harniss, nowadays, to sling on. To make one, +get an old shawl, ram your head through the middle of it, then draw it +snug about the waist, with a cast-off nitecap string. + +Yaller and red are becoming cullers for a broonet, says _Harper's +bazar_. The 15th amendment ladies will please take notiss and cultivate +yaller hair and red noses in the futer. + +RED GLOVES are much worn, makin the fashinable bell's hands look like a +washer-woman's thumb on a frosty mornin. + +Some pooty _desines_ have appeared in EAR RINGS, but the _desines_ of a +sertin strong-minded click of femails to _ring_ the _ears_ of their +lords and masters hain't endorsed in this ere report. + +HAIR-DRESSIN. + +The more frizzled and stirred up a ladey's hair appears nowadays, the +hire she stands in the eyes of the _Bon tung_. A waterfall which will go +into a store door without the wearer stoopin over, hain't considered of +suffishent altitood for a fashinable got-up _femme de sham_ to tug +around. + +Thrashin masheens are now used to get just the rite angle on the hair. + +The head is inserted in the masheen, which proceeds to give the +_copiliary_ attraction a wuss shampoonin than can be got in a Rale Rode +smash up. + +Where thrashin masheens hain't to be had, young gals sprinkle the hair +with corn-meel, and then let the chickens scratch it out. This gets up a +_snarl_ which a Filadephy lawyer can't ontangle. + +_Chauced bolony sassiges_ are fashinable danglin from a ladey's back +hair. + +These are often worn dubble barrelled, remindin us of a yoke of +oxen--takin a waggin view of it. + +MEN'S HARNISS. + +Trowsers are very narrer contracted about the walkin pins. + +The only way a feller can get his _calves_ into his bifurkates, is to +fill his butes with _milk_ and coax 'em through. + +N.B.--The readers of this report musen't misunderstand me, and undertake +to crawl head first through their garments, for I assure _him_ or _her_, +that I refer to the _calves_ of their perambulaters. + +Cotes are worn short waisted, short in the skirts, and short in the +sleeves. I have known them _short_ in the pocket, when the taler sent in +his bill. + +Neckties are worn large, what would usually be alowed for a silk dress +is required now for a fashenable scarf. + +With the 2 long ends, which hangs danglin down over a feller's buzzum, +it doesent make a bit of difference if he wears a ragged shirt, dirty +shirt, or no shirt at all. + +Charity covers a multitood of sins, I'm told, and so does the new stile +of scarfs cover a heep of dirt and old rags. + +The new stile of silk hats, worn by a femail heart destroyer, is big +enuff to hitch up dubble, with the shoo, in which the old lady and her +children "hung out." + +Altho the wimmen fokes have got off the _steel trimmims_, I notiss the +Internal Revenoo Offisers are continerly gettin in _stealin trim_. + +This strictly reliable report will be isshood as often as the undersined +gets any new cloze. + +Any person wishin to know how to dress, can obtain the required +informashen by sendin a ten cent shinny to PUNCHINELLO Pub. Co. + +A well-drest man is the noblest work of his taler, likewise is a +full-rigged woman the noblest work of her taleress. + +Which is the opinion of the compiler of this work. + +Stilishly Ewers, + +HIRAM GREEN, ESQ., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + * * * * * + +THE DREAM OF A DINER-OUT. + + But yesterday night I dreamed a dream-- + I forget what I'd dined on, really,-- + 'Twas something heavy, and then I'd read + "What I Know of Farming," by GREELEY. + + Many and strange were the sights I saw + As I turned on my restless pillow, + BISMARCK and BLUCHER pitching cents + For beer, 'neath a weeping willow. + + JULIUS CAESAR was turning up trumps + In a nice little game at euchre, + With a Chinese coolie, GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, + SATAN, and old JOE HOOKER. + + EARL RUSSELL the small, to make himself tall, + Close by on his dignity stood, + While LITTLE JOHN sang the "Song of the Shirt" + 'Till I thought he was ROBBIN' HOOD! + + BRUTUS was taking a "whiskey straight," + Which I didn't think orthodox; + While GRANT, with his usual zeal for sport, + Seemed busy with fighting Cox! + + But I woke at last with a boisterous laugh + From a dream that was simply ridiculous, + For I knew (so did you) it couldn't be true + That France had succumbed to St. NICHOLAS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RAILWAY TALK. + +_Old Lady_. "SONNY, BE THEM EGGS FRESH OR STALE?" + +_Boy_. "FRESH, 'M. I _buys_ MY EGGS, I DOESN'T STALE 'EM!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EGGS-ACTLY! + +_Mr. Benedick._ "BY JOVE! WHAT AN AWFUL SMELL OF ASAFOETIDA THIS EGG +HAS!" + +_Mrs. B._ "O, HOW SHOCKING! NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, I _did_ THROW AWAY +SOME ASAFOETIDA PILLS, AND I SUPPOSE THE HENS HAVE BEEN EATING THEM!"] + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO XIV. + + By by, baby bunting, + Daddy's gone a-hunting, + To get a little rabbit skin + To wrap the baby bunting in. + +At last there came a day when the husband was of no consequence in his +own house. When numerous female visitors frowned upon and snubbed him. +When his mother-in-law glared at him and entreated him despitefully if +he ventured into her august and fearful presence; and even that +wonderful and mysterious person, the hired nurse, unfeelingly ordered +him out of the house, and bade him "begone about his business." The +miserable and conscience-stricken wretch wandered disconsolately from +room to room, only to meet with fresh humiliation and contumely, and at +last, in sheer despair, betook himself off to a lonely and gloomsome +spot in the dark wood, and there, in penitent humility, bewailed his +misfortune in being that miserably and insignificant nonentity--_a man._ + +Sorrowfully resting his head upon his hands, his eyes fixed upon the +ground, his whole soul absorbed in self-reproach, he passes the long +hours in gloomy abstraction, wishing, he hardly knew what, only that he +was not, what he unfortunately happened to be at that moment, a man +despised of women and hated by his mother-in-law. His sorrowful musings +were broken in upon by his one faithful friend, the gentle companion of +many a quiet hour, his affectionate and devoted pet, his beloved cat. +Gently rubbing her head against his penitent knee, she awakens the +absorbed poet to a realization of her presence, and to a feeling of +pleasure that he is not deserted by all, but has one heart left that +beats for him alone. + +Fondly taking his feline friend in his arms, he softly strokes her back, +and gazes lovingly into the soft green eyes that look responsively into +his, and rebukes her not when, in impulsive love, she rubs her cold nose +against his burning cheek, and wipes her eyes upon his frail moustache. + +Night draws on apace. The dew begins to fall; the pangs of hunger to +manifest themselves; and hesitatingly and timidly he and his cat turn +their footsteps homeward. Loiter as he will, each moment brings him +nearer to that abode where once he thought himself master; but to his +astonishment he now finds himself an outcast and a reproach. + +Slowly and quietly he creeps around to the back kitchen door, his cat +held tightly in his arms, stealthily enters, and meekly drops into a +chair, the image of a self-convicted burglar. + +Presently he hears a sound of smothered laughter, a quick, light step, +and mother-in-law and nurse enter, full of importance, and unnaturally +friendly with each other. The unhappy man silently tries to shrink into +nothingness, and thus escape being again driven out of doors; but the +Argus eyes peer into the dark corner, and his intentions are frustrated. + +Tremblingly he steps forth, into the light, prepared to meekly obey the +harsh command, when, to his great surprise, his fearful mother-in-law +smiles benignly upon him, and with a knowing look and gracious beckoning +with the forefinger, bids him follow. + +He follows, dizzy with the unlooked-for reception, and, in a bewildered +state, is ushered into that sanctum of privacy from which he has been +ignominiously debarred all day--his wife's room. + +The revulsion of feeling was too much for the poor man. His head began +to whirl, and his eyes were blinded. He had a faint perception of his +wife speaking to him, and of his being shown something, he didn't know +what; of being told to do something, he didn't know what; and standing +dazed and helpless until forcibly led from the room, and bidden to "go +get his supper and not act like a fool." + +The familiar expression and natural manner completely restored his +wavering consciousness, and he knowingly made his way to the kitchen and +vigorously attacked a largo pork-pie, which he gloriously conquered and +felt all the pride of a hero. + +The next day, having regained in a measure his usual self-control, he +was allowed once more, in consideration of the position he held in the +family, to enter that _sanctum sanctorum_, and gaze upon its inmates. +His acute mother-in-law, having extracted a promise of absence for the +day, on condition of being allowed to look at his own child a moment, +carefully deposits in his trembling hands a small woollen bundle with a +tiny speck of a face peering therefrom. + +Indescribable emotions rushed through his frame at the first touch of +that soft warm roll of flannel, and a torrent of tumultuous joy bubbled +up in his heart when he had so far mastered his emotions as to be able +to touch with one nervous finger the little soft red cheek, lying so +peacefully in his arms. The tiny hands doubled up, so brave looking yet +so helpless now, giving promise of the future, brought tears of joy and +pride to his eyes, and stooping over the wondrous future man, he pressed +a kiss upon its unconscious face. + +That kiss awoke the sleeping muse within him. Blissful visions of the +future, and ambitious feelings for the present, started into being. His +first thought was to do something to please the potent little fellow; +but happening to glance at his "everlasting terror," he remembered his +promise. A brilliant idea striking him at that moment, he apostrophized +the infant in the touching words:-- + + By by, baby bunting, + Daddy's gone a-hunting, + To get a little rabbit skin + To wrap the baby bunting in. + +One more kiss, and with a little sigh he lays the precious burden down, +and departs to spend the day in the woods, according to promise, so as +not to be bothering around under foot, and getting in everybody's way +when he ain't wanted. + +As he cannot entirely control circumstances, he is determined to make +the best of them, and he mentally blesses the happy thought, or rather +inspiration, that suggested the soft rabbit skin as a bed for the baby, +and resolves that it alone shall be the object of his day's search. + + * * * * * + +POLISHING THE POLICE. + +[Illustration] + +Doubtless there is much room for improvement in the deportment and +speech of our very efficient Municipal Police. Citizens have frequently +to apply to them for information, and it sometimes happens that the +answer is couched in language that may be Polish, so far as the querist +knows, though, in fact, there is no polish about it. It is more likely +to be COPTIC, as the policeman of the period likes to call himself a +"COP." If there is a street sensation in progress, and you ask a +contemplative policeman the cause of it, matters are not made perfectly +clear to you when he replies that it is "only a put-up job to screen a +fence" or words to that affect. If you ask him to explain things more +fully he will probably say, "Shoo! fly," or "you know how it is +yourself," or recommend you to "scratch gravel." Such expressions as +these are very embarrassing to strangers, and even to citizens whose +pathways have not led them through the brambly tracts of police +philology. + +In view of these facts, the public have reason to be thankful to Justice +DOWLING for the reproof administered by him, a few days since, to a +policeman who made use of slang in addressing the bench. The reprehended +officer of the law spoke about a prisoner being "turned over," when he +should have said "discharged." This gave Mr. DOWLING occasion to pass +some severe remarks with regard to the use of slang terms generally, by +policemen, and to caution them against addressing persons in any such +jargon. The lesson was a timely one, and we hope that it may prove +effective, since we frequently hear perplexed inquirers complaining that +their education has been neglected so far as slang is concerned, and +lamenting that, when young, they had not devoted themselves rather to +the study of the Thieves' Dictionary than to that of the polite but +comparatively useless treatises on their native tongue. + + * * * * * + +THREE LETTERS. + +I was persuaded to send my son to Dr. STUFFEM'S boarding-school, in "the +salubrious village of Whelpville" (I quote from the Doctor's circular), +"where the moral training of the pupils is under the parental +supervision of the Principal." Since the arrival of Master THEOPHILUS, I +have just received weekly reports of his progress on printed forms, and +I presume it is satisfactory, although I do not precisely understand +these weekly missives, which are only a complex arrangement of figures. +To-day, however, I am favored with three letters which came in a bulky +envelope, and I append them, in the order of their perusal by myself. +The first seems to be written by a schoolmate of my son's, and was +probably placed in the envelope inadvertently by THEOPHILUS. I do not +venture to make any alteration in the orthography of the first and +second epistles, as I do not know what dictionary may be authoritative +in Whelpville. + +"Deer Thee its rainin like blaises and I cant get out since I came heer +Ive had bully times and I hope Ill keep sik a good wile our doctur lets +me eat donuts but sez I musnt play out in the rain wen its rainin +farther told me Id beter rite to sum of my scholmaids and giv me this +hole sheet of paper maibe Id get a leter rote before dinner but I cant +tell you mutch wile its rainin Thee git sik and you can come heer to git +wel our doctur is bully I havent took no stuf but sitrate of magneeshia +and I don't mind that litel Billy Sims wot lives down by the postofis +has got meesils and you can ketch them from him if he arnt ded and then +old Stuffy can rite to your farther to let you come here and tel him +weve got a bully doctor Thee if Billy Sims is ded or got wel you mite +ketch somthin ells and its prime heer farthers got a gun and I no where +the pouder is bring some pecushin caps with you Thee or well hav to tuch +her off with a cole if old Beeswax wont let you come you mite send me +some caps in a leter don't mash em Thee doctur sais I wil be wel in +about a munth if I don't ketch cold but I can easy fall in the pond +before the munth is out Thee its hoopincof time and you can easy ketch +that you only hav to hold yur breth til you most bust our doctur is +bully for hoopincof. + +"Thee weve got a barn and theres lots of ha on 2 high plaises were we +can clime up there arnt no steps nor lader and we hav to clime up poles +its bully Thee theres four cats heer and one lets me nuss her the others +is all wild and run under the barn we can hunt them wild ones Ive got 2 +long poles to poke under the barn but I wont hunt the cats till you +come. I get lots of aigs up on the ha when it arnt rainin I got four +yesterda and sukt 2 and took 2 to mother the 2 I sukt was elegant but +one of mothers had a litel chiking in it. + +"Thee you hav to come heer on the ralerode farther brot me but yore +farther needent bring you there arnt no plais for him to sleep but you +can sleep with me theres a boy sels candy in the cars and theres penuts +on a stand in the deepoe 5 sents gits a pocketful the candy is nasty but +its in purty boxes its ten sents theres a old wommen keeps the penut +stand but shes got a litel gurl and the gurl gives you most for 5 sents +don't let the old wommen wate on you but just ask the prise and then sa +sis give us 5 sents worth shes awful spry wen you git the penuts just +come out of the big dore of the deepoe and keep strait down the rode til +you come to our house you can tel it by the 4 cats if they arnt under +the barn but you can ask somebody ware farther lives his name is Mister +Gillander but these fools that lives about hear cal him Mr. Glander. + +"Thee do come dinners reddy + +"Yores afectionate DICK GILLANDER" + +My son's letter, or rather the first draft of it, is not much more +artistic in appearance than the foregoing. He is evidently in the same +class in orthography with his friend, Master Gillander, and I do not +doubt that, under careful culture, he may emulate the various virtues of +his friend, and become, in time, an accomplished "aig" sucker. Here is +his letter in the original:-- + +"DEER FARTHER:--As this is the da fur composition doctur STUFFEM sed I +mite rite you a leter for my composition and I rite these fu lines to +let you no that I am wel, but one of the boys is my roomait and is gone +home sick but he is beter and has got a good doctur and be wants me to +come down to his howse pleas sir send me a dolar it is on a ralerode and +the fair is fourty 5 sents. I can go Satterda and come back Mundy and +there is a meetin house clost by dicks howse and they go to meetin in a +carrige and dick drives + +"Yores respectful + +"THEOPHILUS" + +The third epistle was written on a clean sheet, the date being in the +middle of the first page, and the entire production bearing the marks of +herculean effort. I infer that this final letter was a "corrected, +proof," and had to pass a severe examination. Probably, this was the +only one intended for my eye, and I cannot account for the arrival of +the three documents, except upon the hypothesis that my boy heedlessly +and hurriedly thrust them in one enclosure, and forgot to remove the +phonetic specimens before mail time. It ran thus:-- + +"MY DEAR FATHER: In lieu of the usual essay required of pupils on this +day, my preceptor allows me to write a letter to you, which he hopes may +serve to evince my progress in the art of composition, the improvement +in my penmanship (to which he devotes special attention), and to inform +you of my continued health. Indeed, in this delightful locality, nothing +else could be expected, as Whelpville, being 796 feet above tide-water, +is entirely free from those miasmatic influences which unfortunately +affect the sanitary condition of those institutions of learning that are +less favorably situated. The only case of sickness that has occurred +since my arrival, and for a long time previously, was that of my +room-mate and friend, Richard Gillander, whose father has recently +purchased an estate in our neighborhood, principally on account of the +salubrity of our climate. But Richard had doubtless contracted the +disease, which was of an intermittent character, at his former school, +which was the Riverbank Classical Academy, at Swamptown. Our kind +preceptor allowed Richard to return to his father's house until his +health should be entirely restored. He is now decidedly convalescent, +and has written me an urgent invitation to visit him on Saturday next. +As this invitation is corroborated by a letter from Mr. Gillander to our +preceptor, I should be much pleased to accept it, with your approval. If +you have no objection to this arrangement, therefore, I will thank you +to enclose me one dollar by mail, as the railway fare to Richard's home +amounts to nearly this sum. + +"Hoping for a favorable reply, and promising myself the pleasure of +writing you a full account of this visit one week hence, + +"I remain, + +My dear parent, + +Your dutiful Son, + +THEOPHILUS." + +This letter breathed such an air of lofty morality that I was quite +overcome. I enclosed the required dollar, of course, and wrote a line to +Doctor STUFFEM complimenting him upon the manifest improvement in his +pupil. I am looking with some anxiety for the promised letter recounting +the incidents of the projected visit, and have some misgivings induced +by Master DICK'S hints concerning the gun, powderhorn, and +percussion-caps. I infer, however, from the last letter, that such a +change has been wrought upon THEOPHILUS, that he will probably spend his +holiday in reciting moral apothegms to his friend and "room-mait." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SEVERE. + +_Irascible old Gent (to garrulous barber)._ "SHOO! SHOO!--WHY DON'T YOU +TREAT YOUR TALK AS YOU DO YOUR HAIR--CUT IT SHORT?"] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA. + +PART III. + +THE GEYSERS. + +A fascinating, achromatic sketch of the Geysers of Iceland, those +wonderful hydraulic volcanoes, which would readily he considered objects +of the greatest natural grandeur, if the hotels in the neighborhood were +only a little better kept and more judiciously advertised. Before these +stupendous hot-water works the spectator stands aghast, and boils his +egg in fourteen seconds, by a stop-watch. + +It would seem as though the poet's invocation, + + "Come, gentle spring! ethereal mildness, come," + +were somewhat rudely answered, for the spring comes with a noise like +thunder, bringing with it "ethereal mildness" at the rate of ten +thousand gallons a minute. It has been calculated that there is thrown +out annually water enough to supply all the hot whiskey punches that are +required during that time in the State of Maine alone. Old sailors say +it reminds them of a whale fastened alongside their ship--it is a +Seething Tide. + +These vast wreaths, which the painter's art has so beautifully revealed +to us at the top of the canvas, are steam. It runs no machinery, bursts +no boilers, does nothing, in fact, that is useful, but only hangs round. +Yet these volcanoes are full of instruction to those who live by them, +impressing upon each and every one the mournful, yet scientific truth, +that his life is but a vapor. + +A VIEW OF MELROSE, MIDDLESEX COUNTY, MASS. + +It has been well said, "If you would view fair Melrose, do it by +moonlight." Our artist found that the suburban trains had not been +arranged with an eye to this effect, and he was reluctantly obliged to +give us his impressions of this charming spot by daylight. + +This, however, has its advantages. + +The elegant private residences, neatly trimmed lawns, graceful shade +trees, beautifully dressed women and children, driving or promenading, +are all more distinctly brought out. + +The male population, for the most part, are brought out a few hours +later, by steam and horse cars. + +Everything here betokens ease and refinement. Here they refine sugar, in +this large brick building. + +The school-houses, churches, and town-hall are easily distinguished from +each other, being of brick, with a brown belfry. On the extreme left is +the town-farm for paupers. We haven't time, so we won't dwell upon this. + + +THE PYRAMIDS OF EGYPT. + +These highly interesting old buildings are presented with extraordinary +fidelity. They were taken on the spot. They are three in number, you +will observe. I presume you cannot tell me what this is? We paid for it +as the Sphinx, and it is pronounced by competent judges an exceedingly +flattering portrait. The Pyramids are centuries old. It is understood +that Miss Sphinx, out of respect to her sex, is about thirty +summers--permanently. + +I will not deceive you. These structures are immense tombs full of +mummies; all the rooms are taken. From careful observation, it is +concluded that, like the Federal Union, they "must be preserved." Here +they stay in rapt solitude. A glance at the superintendent's register, +as you go in, shows that the "PHARAOH family" furnish the largest number +of inmates. + +Look at this caravan about to cross the Desert. The camels are going +instead of coming. They are the ships of the desert--hardships. The +leading camel has a bell appended to his neck, which at this moment is +ringing for Sahara. We wish them good luck on their journey. + +This gentleman on the rear camel (which you notice carries a red flag to +prevent collision), who is jauntily attired in nankeen trousers and a +blue cotton umbrella, is a physician from New Jersey, whose sands of +life have nearly run out. He will get plenty more by to-morrow. + + +A STORM OFF HATTERAS. + +A terrific sight! + +You can't sec anything, it is so thick. The sea runs mountain high. The +gallant ship, with creaking masts, drives before the gale and plunges +over the crests of the foaming billows. That is what she was built for. + +The thunder peals crash after crash, and occasionally crash before +crash. The lightning's lurid glare illumines, ever and anon, the scene. + +The stoutest hold their breath, and if they can't do that, they hold to +a belaying-pin, while the awe-stricken crew in vain attempt to pump out +the hold. All is darkness, except in the binnacle. + +We leave the noble vessel to her fate, with the cheering conviction that +she is fully insured. + + +THE COLISEUM AT ROME. + +Who has not yet heard of the Coliseum at Rome, that great masterpiece of +Architecture, wherein Rome held her gladiatorial combats, her peace +jubilees, and other solemnities! What classic associations cluster +around it; what tender recollections of Latin Grammar and of ROMULUS and +REMUS, CATILINE, and other friends of our youth, crowd upon us! + +Here is where the poet saw the lying gladiator die; and where Mr. +FORREST beheld the arena swim around him. You perceive from the outline +of this immense building that there was ample room for this purpose. + +A look at this recalls past ages; the palmy days of Rome. I need not +remind my young friends that Rome is not so palmy as she was. And yet +there is no reason in the world why she couldn't be made a great +railroad centre. Look at Troy! + +Strangers repair to this venerable pile from every part of the earth, +though it is somewhat out of repair just at present. + +This view, I need hardly explain, is intended to be by moonlight. The +student, the philosopher, the lover of the classics, will gaze upon this +ruin with emotions of mingled joy and sadness. + +Other lovers will gaze at this object, which, without my assistance, +they will recognize as the silver-orbed moon. Mark its pensive rays. The +silver moon will now roll on--to the next subject. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | ARE OFFERING | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | VIZ: | + | An Extra Quality Printed Rep, | + | 20c. PER YARD; REGULAR PRICE 25c. | + | Plain Poplins, | + | 25c. AND 30c. PER YARD. | + | VERY HEAVY AND FINE PLAID POPLINS, | + | 50c. PER YARD; RECENT PACKAGE PRICE, 65c. | + | A LARGE LOT OF | + | EMPRESS CLOTHS, | + | 50c. PER YARD; RECENTLY SOLD AT 75c. | + | CLOTH COLORED SERGES, | + | DRAPS DE FRANCE, | + | DRAPS D'ETE, | + | CACHIMERES, | + | MERINOES, | + | SILK AND WOOL AND ALL | + | WOOL EPINCLINES, | + | Etc. | + | | + | AT GREATLY REDUCED PRICES. | + | ALL OF WHICH ARE OF THE FINEST AND | + | CHOICEST FRENCH MANUFACTURE. | + | | + | BROADWAY, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | HAVE JUST RECEIVED AND OPENED | + | 2 Crates of Very Elegant Imported Lap | + | Rugs | + | ALSO | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | DOMESTIC LAP RUGS, | + | AT | + | GREATLY REDUCED PRICES, VIZ: | + | $4 TO $6 EACH. | + | | + | BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., | + | 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | RESPECTFULLY REQUEST THE ATTENTION | + | OF THEIR FRIENDS AND CUSTOMERS | + | TO THEIR | + | ELEGANT ASSORTMENT | + | OF | + | LADIES' READY-MADE | + | VELVET, | + | SILK, | + | POPLIN and | + | CLOTH SUITS. | + | | + | THE HIGHEST AND MOST ATTRACTIVE | + | OFFERED THIS SEASON. | + | PRICES FROM $50 TO $375 EACH. | + | WHITE ORGANDIE DRESSES, | + | VERY ELEGANT. | + | ALSO THE BALANCE OF THEIR | + | LADIES' CHEVIOT | + | WOOL SHAWL SUITS, | + | $5 EACH | + | LADIES' WATER-PROOF SUITS, | + | $7.50 EACH. | + | LADIES' BLACK ALPACA SUITS, | + | $8 EACH. | + | CHILDREN'S WATER-PROOF SUITS, | + | $2 50 EACH. | + | Children's Elegantly Braided Suits. | + | $4 50 EACH. | + | ABOUT ONE-HALF THE COST OF PRODUCTION. | + | BROADWAY, 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. 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Each 13 x 16-3/4 | + | | + | Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | + | | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | + | | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and | + | | + | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | + | price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | + | | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: CHURCH BELLES. + +_Husband._ "MAKE HASTE, BELLA, THE CHURCH BELLS HAVE CEASED RINGING." + +_Wife._ "DON'T WORRY, DEAR! MRS. GOLDRISK NEVER GETS TO CHURCH UNTIL AFTER +THE FIRST LESSON, AND SHE IS SWEETLY GOOD AS WELL AS FASHIONABLE."] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" AND "THE UNITED | + | STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,73 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of Printing, | + | | + | Furnish all kinds of STATIONERY, | + | | + | Make all kinds of BLANK BOOKS, | + | | + | Execute the finest styles of LITHOGRAPHY | + | | + | Make the Best and Cheapest ENVELOPES Ever offered to the | + | Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + | States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and | + | have INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is | + | the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West. | + | | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST COMFORTABLE | + | ROUTE. | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, with all | + | Lines | + | | + | By Rail or River | + | | + | For NEW ORLEANS LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | | + | And all Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING-COACHES on all Express Trains. | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE: revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE one of the delights and pleasures of | + | this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I. ENDING SEPT. 24 | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management | + | and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | + | and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | + | Capital to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are enclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 | + | Single copies 10 | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt | + | of ten cents. | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, for 7 00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box 2789. NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PROFESSOR JAMES DE MILLE, | + | | + | Author of | + | | + | "THE DODGE CLUB ABROAD" | + | | + | AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS, | + | | + | Will Commence a New Serial | + | | + | IN THE NUMBER OF | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | JANUARY; 7th, 1871, | + | | + | Written expressly for this Paper. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A CHRISTMAS STORY, | + | | + | Written expressly for this Paper, | + | | + | By FRANK R. STOCKTON, | + | | + | Author of "Ting-a-ling," etc., etc., | + | | + | WILL BE COMMENCED IN No. 38, FOR DECEMBER 17TH, AND | + | CONCLUDED IN THREE NUMBERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II. No. 38, +Saturday, December 17, 1870., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10933 *** |