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diff --git a/10933-h/10933-h.htm b/10933-h/10933-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..31a483e --- /dev/null +++ b/10933-h/10933-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2025 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. II, No. 38.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em;} + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10933 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>TIFFANY & CO.,</big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>UNION SQUARE,<br> + </big></p> + <p>Offer a large and choice stock of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> <big>LADIES' +WATCHES,</big></p> + <p>Of all sizes and every variety of Casing, with Movements of +the finest quality.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <b>Lettered & Stamped,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </b> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <b>83 Nassau Street.</b> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/179.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 38.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large and +small.<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp,<br> + <b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b></small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> <b>The most Preferred Stock on the Market.</b><br> + <img src="images/180.jpg" alt=""> </center> + </td> + <td rowspan="5" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Extra Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>is now ready for delivery,</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,</p> + <p><b>LAIT GUSTICE OF THE PEECE.</b></p> + <p>Now writing for <b>"Punchinello,"</b></p> + <p>IS PREPARED TO DISCOURSE BEFORE LYCEUMS AND ASSOCIATIONS, ON</p> + <p><b>"BILE."</b></p> + <p>Address for terms &c.,</p> + <p>W. A. WILKINS,</p> + <p>Care of <b>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</b></p> + <p>83 Nassau Street New York.</p> + <p>P.O. Box No. 2783.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p><big><b>FACTS FOR THE LADIES.</b></big></p> + <p><small>I have a Wheeler & Wilson machine (No. 289), bought +of Mr. Gardner in 1853, he having used it a year. I have used it +constantly, in shirt manufacturing as well as family sewing, sixteen +years. My wife ran it four years, and earned between $700 and $800, +besides doing her housework. I have never expended fifty cents on it +for repairs. It is, to-day, in the best of order, stitching fine linen +bosoms nicely. I started manufacturing shirts with this machine, and +now have over one hundred of them in use. I have paid at least $3,000 +for the stitching done by this old machine, and it will do as much now +as any machine I have.</small></p> + <p>W.F. TAYLOR.</p> + <p>BERLIN, N.Y.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">APPLICATIONS +FOR ADVERTISING IN<br> + <br> + </small> <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"<br> + <br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">SHOULD +BE ADDRESSED TO<br> + <br> + </small> JOHN NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p><b>No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y.</b></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b><big><big>FOLEY'S<br> + <br> + </big></big> <big><big><big>GOLD PENS.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></b> THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + <br> + <p><b>256 BROADWAY.</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NEW YORK</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>DAILY DEMOCRAT,</big></big></p> + <p><i>AN EVENING PAPER.<br> + </i></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">JAMES H. LAMBERT,</p> + <p>EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR.</p> + <p>All the news fifteen hours in advance of Morning Papers.</p> + <p>PRICE TWO CENTS.</p> + <p>Subscription price by mail, $6.00.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><b>A MONTHLY JOURNAL</b><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler.</small></p> + <p><small>The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, +having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American +reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of +the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which +shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, +experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country.</small></p> + <p><small>The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the +reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to +approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO +COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum,<br> +in advance; 50 cts. per number.<br> +Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big></p> + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from</p> + <p>10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.<br> + </small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i> REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN,<br> + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <b>MAN AND WIVES.</b><br> + <p>A TRAVESTY.</p> + <p><b>By MOSE SKINNER.</b></p> + <p>CHAPTER FIFTH.</p> + <p>QUEER DOINGS AT THE HALF-WAY HOUSE.</p> + <p><img alt="" align="left" src="images/181.jpg">"Tell the +minister," said ANN to TEDDY, "to come in. If I don't get a husband out +of this <i>somehow</i>, I ain't smart. I'll just marry the man I've +got here."</p> + <p>ARCHIBALD sank down on the sofa, bathed in a cold perspiration.</p> + <p>"Oh, <i>don't</i>" he groaned; "you mustn't. 'Twasn't my +fault; JEFF sent me."</p> + <p>Her eyes flashed on him angrily.</p> + <p>"Yes, you helped JEFF set a trap for <i>me</i>," said she, +"and you've fell into it yourself. Come, here's the minister."</p> + <p>But ARCHIBALD didn't come, he only turned white, and made a +gurgling noise.</p> + <p>"There should be somebody here competent to give away the +bridegroom," said the minister, with an air of annoyance.</p> + <p>"Sure, and it's meself as'll do that same," said TEDDY, +obeying a nod from ANN.</p> + <p>"Away now with sich modeshty, youngster. Bear up and be a man. +It'll soon be over. And if ye make a fuss," he added in a whisper, +"I'll knock the head off ye. Do ye mind that?" Then, as if relating his +experience to a large and sympathetic audience: "'Twas just that way I +felt meself like, when the knot was tied. Wake in the knees sim'larly, +and a faylin' like I was a cold dish-cloth wrung out. But Lord, he'll +hold up his head agin, <i>I'll</i> warrant ye."</p> + <p>"Oh, why can't you let me go?" begged ARCHIBALD, "I ain't done +nothin'."</p> + <p>TEDDY smiled. 'Twas such a smile as a dentist gives, just +before he swoops upon his prey.</p> + <p>"Did you iver now?" said he, appealing to the minister. "What +a man it is. As bashful as a young gyrl, without a mammy to smooth it +over. Steady now. There you are, as nice as a cotton hat," he +continued, as he put ARCHIBALD'S arm within ANN'S. "Lean aginst me as +hard as iver ye like, man. I well knows as I'll nivir git me reward in <i>this</i> +world, for all the young cooples as I've startid in life, but, thank +Hevins, there's another."</p> + <p>The ceremony commenced.</p> + <p>What can one coy youth do, single-handed, against a woman who +is determined to marry him? Like the beautiful young lady in the +endless love-stories, who faints at the altar with her hard-hearted +father, the Duke, on one side, and the relentless bridegroom, the +Count, on the other, ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP was hemmed in by destiny. There +was alas! no steel-clad knight with his visor down, to rush in, and +shout in trumpet tones: "<i>Hold! I forbid the bans——</i> To be +continued in our next. Back numbers sent to any address." No. +Steel-clad knights are, unfortunately, somewhat scarce in Indiana, and +so the ceremony continued.</p> + <p>TEDDY was first bridesman. He not only supported ARCHIBALD, +but he held his head and jerked it forward occasionally, thus assisting +in the responses.</p> + <p>The ceremony concluded.</p> + <p>At its close ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP, according to the Law of +Indiana, was a Man and One Wife.</p> + <p>At its close ANN BRUMMET, according to the same Law, was a +Woman and One Husband.</p> + <p>The world is large. To a woman of her immense strategical +resources this was but a fair beginning. Blest with a good constitution +and rare matrimonial attainments, why should she falter in the good +work thus begun?</p> + <p>They picked the new-made husband up, limp as a rag, and laid +him tenderly on the sofa. TEDDY and the minister withdrew, and the +Honeymoon commenced.</p> + <p>ARCHIBALD began to recover. "Where am I?" he moaned faintly.</p> + <p>"You're married," said ANN.</p> + <p>He groaned, and wiped the perspiration from his pallid brow.</p> + <p>"Can I go home?" he inquired feebly.</p> + <p>"Yes," replied ANN. "Go, and when I want you I'll come for +you. Tell your <i>dear</i> BELINDA that ANN BRUMMET, the poor +relation, has got ahead of her on <i>this</i> heat. She didn't think, +did she, when she was courting you, that she was only just getting you +ready for me?"</p> + <p>But before she was through, ARCHIBALD, moaning in broken +accents that he wished he was dead, had rushed frantically from the +house.</p> + <p>ANN was congratulating herself on her success, when there came +another rap from TEDDY.</p> + <p>"Sure and it's your lawyer this time. Will I sind him away?"</p> + <p>"No," said ANN, "I want to see him. And bring in some oysters +and sherry. I'm getting hungry."</p> + <p>"Well," said the lawyer, entering and taking a chair +familiarly, where's your man?"</p> + <p>"Gone," said ANN.</p> + <p>"What! without the divorce? Whew! that's <i>too</i> bad. How +did it happen?"</p> + <p>"JEFF didn't come," replied ANN. "He sent a substitute. But I +wasn't going to be fooled that way, so I just drafted <i>him</i> +instead."</p> + <p>"What! <i>married</i> him?" queried the lawyer, incredulously.</p> + <p>"Yes, why not? DIGBY was here, you see, and I could not find +it in my heart to cheat the poor man out of a job, with a large family +on his hands, too." And she laughed.</p> + <p>"Well, that <i>is</i> a joke," was the lawyer's reply. And he +rubbed his hands appreciatively. "Who is the fellow? What's his name?"</p> + <p>"BLINKSOP," said ANN, "ARCHIBALD. Oh, won't there be a row," +she chuckled. "He's engaged to my cousin BELINDA, you see."</p> + <p>At this juncture TEDDY entered with the oysters and sherry.</p> + <p>"Come," said ANN to the lawyer, "sit up here and have +something to eat, and I'll tell you all about it. TEDDY," she continued +facetiously, "will you ask a blessing?"</p> + <p>TEDDY closed his eyes reverentially.</p> + <p>"For what I'm going to resayve out of this," said he, "may I +be truly thankful, and, oh Lord! I wish 'twas more." And he went out +with a solemn air.</p> + <p>"Did I understand you to say," inquired the lawyer, after he +had animated his diaphragm with two glasses of sherry, "that this +BLINKSOP is engaged to your cousin?"</p> + <p>"Yes," replied ANN, struggling with a very large oyster. "I +call her cousin, but there's no blood-relation."</p> + <p>"When did the engagement take place?" he inquired, hoisting +another glass of sherry.</p> + <p>"Only yesterday; but it's pretty well known that she's been +soft on him for a good while."</p> + <p>"Has the engagement been formally announced?" said he, holding +the now empty bottle upside down, and squeezing it vigorously. "Let me +fill your glass," he continued, holding the bottle to the light and +examining it critically, with one eye closed.</p> + <p>"No, I thank you, I've got enough. Yes," she went on, "the +engagement was known far and wide in less than two hours. There was a +croquet party at the house yesterday, and BELINDA told 'em all. Why?"</p> + <p>"Because," replied the lawyer, setting his glass upside down, +and rolling the empty bottle along the floor, with a dejected air, +"because it may affect this marriage of yours."</p> + <p>"What, my marriage with BLINKSOP?"</p> + <p>"Yes."</p> + <p>"In what way?"</p> + <p>"It may test its legality," was the answer. "Mind, I don't say +your marriage is not valid; but, in this State, if a couple solemnly +engage themselves, they are, to all intents and purposes, legally +married. In New England it is even more rigid. There, I understand, if +a young man goes home with a young lady on a Sunday evening, it is +considered as good as an engagement; and if, on the next Sunday +evening, he goes home with another young lady, he is looked upon as a +fickle-minded miscreant, capable of ruining a whole town. Little +children avoid him, and even dogs go round the corner at his approach. +Now, if this BLINKSOP chooses to contest this, marriage, I +think—mind you, I only <i>think</i>—that with this +previous engagement to back his unwillingness to marry you, this +marriage will go for nothing."</p> + <p>Having delivered this legal opinion with an air of profound +wisdom, and the most acute penetration, he leaned back in his chair, +crossed his legs, and regarded his empty glass as with the air of a man +whose fondest hopes in that direction had been ruthlessly crushed. And +ANN was walking the floor thoroughly excited.</p> + <p>"It's just my confounded luck," said she, angrily, "just as I +was counting on galling BELINDA, too. I don't believe," she added after +a pause, "that BLINKSOP'S got spunk enough to contest it."</p> + <p>"Perhaps not; but if he <i>should</i>——"</p> + <p>"Well, what shall I do?" she interrupted, impatiently.</p> + <p>The lawyer reached deliberately over the table, and drank the +few drops of wine that remained in ANN'S glass.</p> + <p>"Do," said he, slowly, "just what you were going to do, in the +first place."</p> + <p>"What! Marry JEFFRY MAULBOY?"</p> + <p>The lawyer nodded.</p> + <p>"But it's too late now. He wouldn't come."</p> + <p>"Try it," was the lawyer's answer. "<i>Urge</i> him," he +added, significantly.</p> + <p>The woman who hesitates is lost. ANN hesitated, but she wasn't +lost. No; she rather thought she was found.</p> + <p>"I'll do it, old boy," she finally said, "if I can find him, +high or low. See here, if you don't hear from me, come here day after +to-morrow—will you—and bring DIGBY with you?"</p> + <p>The lawyer promised, and took his departure.</p> + <p>ANN immediately wrote a letter, sealed and directed it to +JEFFRY MAULBOY, and rung for TEDDY.</p> + <p>"Do you know of a man named JEFFRY MAULBOY?" said she.</p> + <p>TEDDY opened his eyes very wide.</p> + <p>"What, the Prize-Fighter?" said he. "It's a jokin' ye are; fur +how could ye ask that same, afther I see him giv' TIM MCGONIGLE sich an +illegant knock-down with me own eyes, at the torchlight procession in +the fall of the winter? And JIM, with a shlit in his ear as was +bewtifool to look at, jumps up, and says he——"</p> + <p>He paused, for tears stood in ANN'S eyes. The reminiscence was +too much for her overcharged soul.</p> + <p>"Yes," she murmured. "He was always just such a lovely brick, +was JEFF." Then she added, with an effort: "I want you to take this +letter to him the first thing in the morning. Go to Mrs. LADLE'S first, +and if he ain't there—Do you know where his folks live?"</p> + <p>"I do that. It's a lawyer his father is, and lives at Western +Bend. I'll find him, mum, sure."</p> + <p>"Do it," said ANN, "and I'll find <i>you</i> for a month."</p> + <p>TEDDY took the letter and retired to his room.</p> + <p>"To JIFFRY MAULBOY the Prize-Fighter," said he, patting it +lovingly. "Well-a-day! Who'd a thought it now? <i>Here's</i> somethin +to be proud of. <i>Here's</i> somethin to boast of like, a settin' at +the fireside, mebbe, with me little ansisters upon me knees. 'And it's +meself, me little ducks,' I'd say, 'as carried a letther, with me <i>own +hands</i>, to the great JIFFRY MAULBOY, as wiped out PATSY MCFADDEN in +a fair shtand-up fight, and giv' TIM MCGONIGLE a private mark as he +carried to his grave.' I wonder what's in it?" he continued, holding it +up to the light. "Divil a word now can I see. That's illaygil, and +shows there's mischief brewin'. Now what would an unconvarted haythen +do as hadn't the moril welfare of the community a layin' close to his +heart like? Carry the letther, and ax no questions. But what would an +airnest Christian do, who's a bloomin' all over with religion, and +looks upon the piety of the public as the apple of his eye? He'd take +his pinknife, jist so, and shlip the blade under the saylin'-wax, jist +so, and pacify his conscience like by raydin' the letther."</p> + <p>Having convinced himself that the operation, viewed in a +purely religious light, was strictly mercantile, TEDDY snuffed the +candle with his thumb and forefinger, and spread the letter on the +table.</p> + <p>It ran thus:—</p> + <p>"HALF-WAY HOUSE, June 30th—Evening.</p> + <p>"JEFFRY MAULBOY:—You have gone back on your word, +and made a desperate woman of me. I'll do all I threatened, and more. I +have just written to Mrs. CUPID, and kept back <i>nothing</i>. If you +ain't here by day after to-morrow, ready to marry me, <i>as you agreed +to</i>, I'll send the letter, and go to her besides. Do as you please. +I don't care for <i>my</i> future, if you don't for <i>yours</i>. +Trust the bearer.</p> + <p>"ANN BRUMMET."</p> + <p>TEDDY read it twice. Then he held up his hands, lost in +admiration.</p> + <p>"Married to one man, and a goin' for another afore the +ceremony is cold! What talints! What nupchility! Oh, what an illegant +Mormyn is bein' wastid in this very house! If ye could grow a daughter +like <i>that</i>, TEDDY me boy, she'd sit ye up for life." He shook +his head, sighed heavily, and gazed wistfully at the letter.</p> + <p>"I couldn't look poshterity in the face," he continued, with a +self-accusing air, "without a copy of that letther."</p> + <p>He went and got writing materials with evident reluctance, and +after three or four trials, succeeded in producing a very good +duplicate of ANN'S letter, bearing himself, throughout, like a man who +sees his duty plainly before him, and does it without flinching.</p> + <p>He put the duplicate in the envelope, sealed it carefully, put +the original in his pocket, and in ten minutes was abed and asleep.</p> + <p>(To be continued.)</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO'S PLAN FOR THE PREVENTION AND DETECTION OF +CRIME.</b></p> + <p>In view of the amount of crime which the detective police is +apparently unable to trace to its authors, and the number of criminals +who constantly elude arrest, Mr. PUNCHINELLO begs to submit an entirely +new and original plan for the prevention and detection of crime, which +he hopes will receive the favorable consideration of the powers that be.</p> + <p>In the first place, he would recommend that all Jail Birds be +immediately transported to the Canary Islands.</p> + <p><i>Second.</i> The entire population of the City of New York +should be organized into a Vigilance Committee. This force should be +employed night and day in watching the remaining inhabitants and +outsiders. Any member found asleep on his (lamp) post should be drawn +(by our special artist) and quartered (in a station-house for the +night).</p> + <p><i>Third.</i> All residents should be compelled, on pain of +being instantly garroted, to surrender their valuables, and even their +invaluables, to the Property Clerk, Comic Headquarters, PUNCHINELLO +Office, who should be held strictly irresponsible and be well paid for +it.</p> + <p><i>Fourth.</i> Everybody should be instantly arrested and held +to bail, as a precaution against the escape of wrong-doers. It should +be made the duty of proprietors of liquor saloons to Bale out their +customers when "too full."</p> + <p><i>Fifth.</i> Any person found with a 'Dog' in his possession +should be compelled to give a strict account of himself; the 'Dog' +should be Collared, sent to the Pound, closely interrogated, and his +evidence carefully Weighed. In cases of 'Barking up the Wrong Tree' the +person unjustly arrested should be indemnified.</p> + <p><i>Sixth.</i> The City Government should immediately offer an +immense reward for the invention of a telescope of sufficient power to +detect crime whenever and wherever committed within the city limits. +This instrument should be placed on the summit of the dome of the New +County Court House, and a competent scientific person appointed to be +continually on the look-out, and his observations noted down by a +Stenographer.</p> + <p><i>Seventh.</i> There should be frequent balloon ascensions in +various parts of the city, under the direction of distinguished +aeronauts, for the purpose of watching the behavior of evil disposed +persons. In order that these aerial movements may excite no suspicion +in the minds of persons under surveillance, the balloons should ascend +high enough to be out of sight. They will then be out of mind.</p> + <p><i>Eighth.</i> A Sub-Committee should be chosen, the members +of which shall hang about the various haunts of vice in back slums, and +learn as much as possible of the nefarious projects of the desperate +characters who frequent such dens. Each member should report daily, and +if he is not familiar with the 'flash' dialect in which thieves +converse (which is very improbable, if chosen as suggested), should +take care to provide himself with a copy of GROSE'S Slang Dictionary or +Vocabulary of Gross Language, which will the better enable him to +understand it.</p> + <p><i>Ninth.</i> A strict blockade of the port should be +maintained, to prevent the ingress of bad characters from abroad, and +especially from the now Radical State of New Jersey, with which +ferry-boat communication should be immediately cut off.</p> + <p><i>Tenth.</i> A Reformatory School in which the Dangerous +Classes might (except during recitations) be kept under restraint would +be a great public benefit. The study of metaphysics should be +prohibited at such an institution. Burglars especially should not be +allowed to Open Locke on the Human Understanding.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Worst Kind of "Paris Green."</b></p> + <p>It is stated by observant <i>flâneurs</i> that much <i>absinthe</i> +is consumed by ladies who frequent fashionable up-town restaurants. One +lovely blonde has grown so <i>absinthe</i>-minded from the habit, that +she regularly leaves the restaurant without paying for her luncheon.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Quarrelsome in their Cups.</b></p> + <p>Should the European Powers get into a fight over the Sublime +Porte, what a strong argument it would be in favor of temperance!</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/183.jpg"> + <p><b>ABOUT A FOOT.</b></p> + <p><i>Mr. Bunyan (whose corns have just been subjected to severe +pressure).</i> "YOU OLD BEGGAR, YOU!"</p> + <p><i>Mr. Lightfoot (who is a little hard of hearing).</i> "NO +APOLOGY NECESSARY, I ASSURE YOU, SIR; MATTER OF NO CONSEQUENCE +WHATEVER; PRAY DON'T MENTION IT."</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>MR. BEZZLE'S DREAM.</b></p> + <p>MR. BEZZLE was the editor and proprietor of a large and +influential newspaper that sold two for a cent, and had special +correspondents in every corner of the office. By honest industry and a +generous disregard of what went into the newspaper, so that it paid, he +had raised himself to the highest rung of fortune's ladder, and we all +know what tall ringing <i>that</i> is. He used to say that to accept +one kind of advertisement and to reject another, was an injustice to +the public and an outrage upon society, and that strict integrity +required that he should accept, at as much as he could get a line, +every advertisement sent for insertion. It would have done you good to +have witnessed Mr. BEZZLE'S integrity in this respect, and the noble +spirit of self-sacrifice with which he resolved that none of the public +should be slighted. He used to laugh to scorn the transcendental notion +about the editorial columns not being purchased, "If my opinions are +worth anything," he used to exclaim, "they are worth being paid for; +and if I unsay to-morrow what I said yesterday, the contradiction is +only apparent, and is in accordance with the great spirit of progress +and the breaking up of old institutions." The sequel to this +magnanimous career may be imagined. The enterprise paid so well that +old BEZZLE found it to his interest to employ a man at fifteen dollars +a week to do nothing else but write notes from "Old Subscribers," +informing BEZZLE that they had taken his "valuable paper" for over +twenty years, that no family should be without it, and that they would +rather, any morning, go without their breakfast than go without reading +the <i>Hifalutin' Harbinger</i>. One day, when BEZZLE had been an +editor for forty years, he fell asleep and had a dreadful dream. He +thought that he rose early one morning, dressed himself in his best +suit of broadcloth, which he had taken for a bad debt, walked up to the +ticket office of a theatre where he was well known, and asked for a +couple of seats. The gentlemanly treasurer (was there ever a treasurer +that wasn't gentlemanly in a newspaper notice?) handed him two of the +best seats in the house—end seats, middle aisle, six rows +from the stage. Mr. BEZZLE slapped down a five-dollar bill with that +air of virtue which had become a second nature to him. (Second nature, +by the by, is no more like nature at first hand than second childhood +is like real childhood.)</p> + <p>"Why, Mr. BEZZLE!" exclaimed the treasurer, "have you taken +leave of your senses, sir? Put that back in your pocket;" and he +pointed to the recumbent bank-note. "Who ever heard of an editor paying +for two seats at the theatre since the world began? What have we ever +done to offend you, Mr. BEZZLE, that you should behave thus?"</p> + <p>"Sir," said Mr. BEZZLE, "I once was young, but now am old. I +see the error of my editorial ways, and have resolved to mend 'em. My +columns are <i>not</i> to be bought, sir. My dramatic critic is not to +be suborned. I am determined to tear down the flaunting lie with which +THESPIS has so long concealed her blushless face, and to show the +deluded public the cothurnus bespattered, and the sock and buskin +draggled in the mire. Perish my theatrical advertising columns when I +cease to tell the truth! There is the sum twice told: I pays my money +and I takes my choice. Never mind the change." And with these words Mr. +BEZZLE stalked off, his face crimson with a rush of aesthetics to the +head.</p> + <p>From the theatre Mr. BEZZLE went to the house of a celebrated +publisher, who received him with open arms, and conducted him to a +counter where all the newest and most expensive books were displayed. +"We are just settled in our new quarters," explained the publisher, +"and any little thing you might say about us in your valuable paper +would be—I don't <i>ask</i> it, you know—but it +would be—upon my word it would. See here, Mr. BEZZLE, I want +you to pick out from this counter just what you want, and—"</p> + <p>"Sir!" exclaimed Mr. BEZZLE, leaping at the publisher with +eyes that fairly blazed with the radiance of rectitude, "who do you +take me for?" If Mr. BEZZLE had been less violent he would probably +have said, "<i>Whom</i> do you take me for," and so have spared himself +the ignominy of sinking to the ungrammatical level of the Common Herd. +But the fact is, his proud spirit was chafed and fretted at the +spectacle of sordid self-seeking that everywhere met his gaze, and +excess of sentiment made him forgetful of syntax. "Mark me, my friend, +I am not to be bought," he continued in unconscious blank verse. "I <i>shall</i> +take my pick, sir, and <i>you</i> will take this check." And he handed +the amazed publisher a check for five hundred dollars. "I sicken, sir," +he continued, "of this qualmish air of half-truth that I have breathed +so long. I am going to read these books, and say what I think of 'em, +and five hundred dollars is dirt cheap for the privilege. I had sooner +that every 'New Publications' ad. should die out of my newspaper than +that my literary columns should be contaminated with a Lie! Never mind +the change, sir. If anything is left over, send it to the proprietor of +the new penny paper that is struggling to keep its head above water. +Don't say that it came from me. Say that it came from a converted +roper-in." And Mr. BEZZLE stalked out of the office in such a tempest +of morality that the publisher felt as though a tidal wave of virtue +had swept over him.</p> + <p>After this, Mr. BEZZLE'S dream became a trifle confused; but +he thought that this noble course of conduct was greatly approved by +the public, that its eminent practicability commended it to all classes +of people, and that theatres, publishers, and others quadrupled their +advertisements. "Ah!" sighed Mr. BEZZLE, rubbing his hands, but still +asleep, "what a sweet thing virtue is! Honesty <i>is</i> the best +policy after all!"</p> + <p>At this moment his elbow was nudged, and opening his eyes he +beheld one of the office boys, whom he had sent up to the theatre half +an hour ago, to ask for six reserved seats near the stage.</p> + <p>"Mr. PUPPET says he's very sorry, sir," said the boy, "but the +seats is all taken for to-night, and so he can't send any."</p> + <p>"Can't send any, can't he?" exclaimed BEZZLE, wide awake. "All +right. Just go to Mr. SNAPPETY, the dramatic editor, for me, and tell +him not to say one word about that theatre in his criticism to-morrow, +I'll teach Mr. PUPPET," etc., etc., etc.</p> + <p>SPIFFKINS.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>TURKEYS—A FANTASY.</b></p> + <p><img alt="W" align="left" src="images/184.jpg">e hear a great +deal from scientific men about the influence of climate, atmosphere, +and even the proximity of certain mineral substances, upon the life and +welfare of man; but there is yet another vein to be worked in this +region of human knowledge. Taking a chance train of ideas—an +excursion-train, we may say—which came in our way on last +Thanksgiving, we were brought to some interesting conclusions in regard +to the influence exercised by the turkey upon human affairs. The annual +happiness of how many thousands at the return of Thanksgiving +Day—the unfed woes of how many thousands more—does +this estimable fowl revolve within his urbane crop! Every kernel of +grain which he picks from the barn-floor may represent an instant of +masticatory joy held in store for some as yet unconscious maxillary; we +may weigh the bird by the amount of happiness he will afford. When we +go to market, to barter for our Thanksgiving turkey, we inquire +substantially of the spruce vender, glistening in his white apron: "How +much gustatory delight does yonder cock contain?" And he, gross slave +of matter, doth respond, giving the estimate in dollars and parts of +dollars!</p> + <p>But how inadequate is any material representative of his value +to us. Indeed, it is next to impossible to conceive of the niceties +involved in this question of how much we owe the turkey. For him the +country air has been sweetened; the rain has fallen that he might +thrive; the wheat and barley sprouted that he might be fed. A shade +more of leanness in the legs, one jot less of rotundity in the +breast—what misery might not these seemingly trivial +incidents have created? A failure in the supply of +turkeys?—it would have been a national calamity! What were +life, indeed, without the turkey?</p> + <p>As for Thanksgiving, the turkey he is it. <i>Paris, c'est la +France!</i> Remove the turkey, and you undermine Thanksgiving. How +could a conscientious man go to church on Thanksgiving morning, knowing +within himself that he shall return to beef, or mutton, or veal for his +dinner, as on work-days? I tell you, religion would disappear with the +turkey.</p> + <p>Toward the close of Thanksgiving, how manifest becomes the +influence of this feathered sovereign. Observe yonder jaundiced youth +pacing the street moodily, his lips set in a cynic sneer. His turkey +was lean. I know it. He cannot hide that turkey. The gaunt fowl +obtrudes himself from every part. On the other hand, none but the +primest of prime turkeys could have set in motion this brisk old +gentleman with the ruddy check and hale, clear eye, whom we next pass. +A most stanch and royal turkey lurks behind that portly +front—a sound and fresh animal, with plenty of cranberries to +boot.—What are these soldiers? Carpet-knights who have united +their thanks over a grand regimental banquet. What frisky gobblers they +have shared in, to be sure! They prance and amble over the pavements as +if they had absorbed the very soul of Chanticleer, and fancied +themselves once more princes of the barnyard. The most singular and +freakish of the turkey's manifestations this, by far!</p> + <p>Indeed, on a review of these suggestive facts, we cannot but +feel a marvellous reverence for the potent cock, established as patron +of this feast. This sentiment is wide-spread among our people, and +perhaps it is not too fanciful to predict that it will some day expand +itself to a <i>cultus</i> like that of the Egyptian APIS, or, more +properly, the Stork of Japan. The advanced civilization of the Chinese, +indeed, has already made the Chicken an object of religious veneration. +In the slow march of ages we shall perhaps develop our as yet crude and +imperfect religions into an exalted worship of the Turkey. Then shall +the symbolic bird, trussed as for Thanksgiving, be enshrined in all our +temples, and the multitudes making pilgrimage from afar to such +sanctuaries shall be greeted by an inscription over the temple-gate of +BRILLAT SAVARIN'S axiom:—</p> + <p>"Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are."</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>BOOTS.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO:—Breaking in a young span of boots +is ecstasy, or would be, if fitting bootmakers could be found; but +there's the pinch, though they do give you fits sometimes.</p> + <p>Getting tailored to suit me, the next thing was to get booted, +I succeeded. It cost me nineteen dollars.</p> + <p>I'd willingly return the compliment for nothing.</p> + <p>At last my boots were finished, and I went into them right and +left; at least, I tried so to do.</p> + <p>With every nerve flashing lightning, I pulled and tugged most +thrillingly, but in vain.</p> + <p>"There's no putting my foot in it," says I.</p> + <p>"Give one more try," says he.</p> + <p>Although almost tried out, I generously gave one more. I +placed the bootmaker's awl in one strap, and his last-hook in the +other, and with "two roses" mantling my cheeks, postured for the +contest.</p> + <p>I tried the heeling process, and earnestly endeavored to toe +the mark; but to successfully start the thing on foot was a bootless +effort.</p> + <p>Then I slumberously gravitated, and dreamed thus:—</p> + <p>Old "LEATHERBRAINS" in SATAN'S livery, producing a hammer from +a carpet-bag (he was a carpet-bagger), proceeded to shape my feet, and +fill them with shoe-pegs.</p> + <p>My nap was ruffled, and not to be continued under those +circumstances, so I wisely concluded it.</p> + <p>"They're on!" says the bootmaker.</p> + <p>And a tight on it was, excruciatingly so.</p> + <p>I suspected at the time that I had been put to sleep by +chloroform, but I afterward remembered that a feeble youth was reading +aloud from the Special Cable Dispatches of the <i>Tribune.</i></p> + <p>My feelings centred in those boots, tears filled my eyes, and +I was dumb with emotion, but quickly reviving, I slaked the cordwainer +with a flood of rabid eloquence.</p> + <p>The cowering wretch suggested that they would stretch. He +lied, the villain, he lied, they shrank.</p> + <p>However, "in verdure clad," I was persuaded into wearing them, +and stiffly sidled off, a badgered biped, my head swinging round the +circle, and my voice hanging on the verge of profanity all the way.</p> + <p>As fit boots they were a most successful failure. I gave them +to the office boy; but the crutches I afterward bought him cost me +twenty-seven dollars.</p> + <p>Henceforth I shall take my cue from JOHN CHINAMAN, and encase +my understanding in wood. Yours calmly,</p> + <p>VICTOR KING.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Recognized at Last.</b></p> + <p>A recent telegram from London says:—</p> + <p>"The Prussian hussars rode down and out to pieces a regiment +of marine infantry."</p> + <p>Hooray! Cheer, boys, cheer! The mythical Horse-Marines are +thus at last recognized as an accomplished fact.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"As I was going to St. Ives."</b></p> + <p>At St. Ives, Huntingdonshire, England, Lord ROBERT MONTAGU, +M.P., was lately burned in effigy by some intelligent boors, because he +had joined the Roman Catholic faith. That tells badly for the burners, +who should not have cared an <i>f i g</i> about the matter.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"Walker."</b></p> + <p>MCETTRICK, the pedestrian, was arrested at Boston, a few days +since, for giving an exhibition without a license. He gave bail. +Probably <i>leg</i>-bail.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>On the Bench</b></p> + <p>When is a judge like the structures that are to support the +Brooklyn Suspension-Bridge? When he's called a <i>caisson.</i></p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN OFFICER WHO MUST ALWAYS BE OUT OF GUN-SHOT RANGE.</b></p> + <p>General FARRE.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <br> + <p><img alt="B" align="left" src="images/185.jpg">y this time +everybody has seen <i>Rip Van Winkle,</i> and everybody has expressed +the same unbounded admiration of Mr. JEFFERSON'S matchless genius. But +the world never has been, and doubtless never will be, without the +pestiferous presence of Reformers, Men of Progress, Earnest Men, who +insist upon improving everything after their own fashion, and who are +unhappy because they did not have the opportunity of making the solar +year consist of an even number of days, and because they were not +present at the building of the Ark, in order to urge upon NOAH the +propriety of attaching a screw propeller to that primitive Great +Eastern. These horribly energetic nuisances never find anything that +precisely suits them, and are always insisting that everything stands +in need of the improvements which they gratuitously suggest. Latterly +they have ventured to attack <i>Rip Van Winkle,</i>—not the +actor, but the play,—and to insist that the closing scene +should be so modified as to make the play a temperance lecture of the +most unmistakable character.</p> + <p>If you recollect—as of course you do—the +last scene in that exquisite drama, you can still hear "RIP'S" +tremulous voice as he says, "I will take my pipe and my glass, and will +tell my strange story to all my friends. And I will drink <i>your</i> +good health, and your family's, and may you live long and prosper." And +now come the Progressive Nuisances, and ask Mr. JEFFERSON to change +this ending so that it will read as follows:—</p> + <p>GRETCHEN.—"Here is your glass, RIP."</p> + <p>RIP.—"But I swore off."</p> + <p>GRETCHEN.—"Bless you, my husband. Promise me never +more to touch the intoxicating beer-mug."</p> + <p>RIP.—"I promise. Hereafter I will take my TUPPER'S +Proverbial Philosophy and my glass of water, and I will daily address +all my friends on the subject of total abstinence from everything that +cheers, whether it inebriates or not. And I will now close this +evening's lecture by an appeal to the audience now present, to take +warning by me, and never drink a drop of lager-beer. Think, my friends, +what would be the feelings of your respective wives, should you return +home, after a drunken sleep of twenty or thirty years, and find them +all married to richer husbands! Think how they would revile the +weakness of the beer which could not keep you asleep forever. Think how +you would complicate the real estate business, when you came to turn +out the mistaken people who had occupied, improved, and sold your +property during your brief absence. Think of the difficulties that +would arise from the increase in the size of your families, which would +probably have taken place while you were sleeping out in the open air, +and for which you would have to provide, although you had not been +consulted in the matter. Think, too, of the extent to which you would +be interviewed by the reporters of the <i>Sun</i>, and the atrocious +libels concerning yourselves and your families which that unclean sheet +would publish. Think of all these things, my friends, and then step +into the box-office on your way out and sign the total abstinence +pledge. The ushers will now make a collection for the support of the +temperance cause. Mr. MOLLENHAUER will please lead the audience in +singing that beautiful temperance anthem—"</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"'Cold water is the only thing</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Worth loving here below;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The man who won't its praises +sing,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Will straight to Hades go.'"</span><br> + <p>Now, for one, I don't like this improved version of "RIP." Of +course, the Temperance Reformers will construe this expression of +opinion into an admission that every man, woman, or advocate of female +suffrage, who has ever written a line for PUNCHINELLO is a confirmed +drunkard. In spite of this probability, I still have the courage to +maintain that so long as Mr. JEFFERSON is an artist, and not a +temperance lecturer, he need not mix up the drama with the Temperance +Reform, or any other hobby. If he is to be compelled to deliver a +temperance address every time he plays <i>Rip Van Winkle,</i> let us +compel Mr. GREELEY to play "RIP" every time he gives a temperance +lecture. If the latter catastrophe were to happen, the punishment of +the Reforming Nuisances would be complete.</p> + <p>There are, however, plays which could be changed so as to +terminate much more naturally and effectively than they now do. For +example, there is <i>Enoch Arden.</i> At present ENOCH, when he looks +through the window and sees his wife enjoying herself with PHILIP in +the dining-room, immediately lies down on the grass-plat in the +back-yard, and groans in a most harrowing style,—after which +he picks himself up, and, going back to his hotel, dies without so much +as recognizing his old friends and congratulating them upon their +prosperity. Now the way in which the play should have ended, had the +dramatist wished to convince us that "ENOCH" was a reasonable being, +would have been somewhat as follows:—</p> + <p>ENOCH (looking through the window).—"Well, here's a +go. My wife has actually married PHILIP. They look pretty comfortable, +too. PHILIP is evidently rich. Here's luck for me at last. I've got him +where I can strike him pretty heavily." <i>[He enters the house,]</i></p> + <p>PHILIP AND HIS WIFE.—"ENOCH! Can it be possible? +Why, we thought you were entirely dead, and so we married. Well! well! +This is a healthy state of things."</p> + <p>ENOCH (sternly).—"Mr. PHILIP RAY. You have had the +impertinence to marry my wife. Sir! I consider that you have taken an +unjustifiable liberty. Have you anything to say for yourself before I +proceed to shoot you? I might mention that I once had a third cousin +whose aunt by marriage was slightly insane, so you see that I can kill +you with a calm certainty that the jury will acquit me, on the ground +of my hereditary insanity."</p> + <p>PHILIP.—"Take a drink, old boy. We'll be reasonable +about this matter. Don't attempt murder,—it's no longer +respectable since MCFARLAND went into the business. Why can't we +compromise this affair?"</p> + <p>ENOCH.—"It will cost you something. There are my +lacerated feelings, which can't be repaired without a good deal of +expense. Still I will do the fair thing by you. Give me fifty thousand +dollars and I'll leave the country and say nothing more about it. You +can keep my wife, if you want her. I'm sure <i>I</i> don't."</p> + <p>PHILIP.—"But I've been to a good deal of expense +about her. Her clothes have cost me no end of money, and there are all +our new children besides. Children, let me tell you, are a great deal +more expensive now than they were in your day. Now, I'll give you +twenty thousand dollars, and your wife, and we'll call it square."</p> + <p>ENOCH.—"No, sir. I don't want the wife, and I insist +on more than twenty thousand dollars. I've got you entirely in my +power, and you know it. I'll come down to forty thousand dollars, but +not a cent less. Draw a check on the bank, or I'll draw a revolver on +you. Be quick about it, too, for my hereditary insanity may develop +itself at any moment."</p> + <p>PHILIP.—"Well, if I must, I must. Here is your +money. How did you leave things at—well, at the place you +came from? Everybody well, I hope?"</p> + <p>ENOCH.—"There were no people, and consequently +nothing to drink there. Don't speak of the wretched place. Thanks for +the check. Hope you'll find your wife satisfactory. Let this be a +warning to you, not to marry a widow another time, unless you have a +sure thing. Don't believe her when she says her husband is dead, unless +you have him dug up, and personally inspect his bones. Thank you! I <i>will</i> +take another drink since you insist upon it. Here's luck! You'll agree +with me that this is the best day's work I have ever done. Good-by. I'm +off to Chicago."</p> + <p>Now, would not that be the way in which "ENOCH" would have +acted had he been a practical business man? You see the play thus +altered is eminently probable, not to say realistic. I have several +more improved catastrophes, which, if substituted for the present +ending of some of our more recent popular plays, would render them +quite perfect. <i>Hamlet</i> especially needs changing in this +respect. Some of these days I will show the readers of PUNCHINELLO how +SHAKSPEARE should have ended that drama. I rather think they will agree +with me, that SHAKSPEARE, clever as he doubtless was in certain +respects, knew very little about writing plays that should be at once +effective and probable.</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>ON THE ROAD TO ROUEN.</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Prussians.</span><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/186.jpg"> + <p><b>JOHN BULL DETECTS A BEAR-FACED INTRUDER UPON THE PRIVACY OF +THE BLACK SEA.</b></p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"AB"</b></p> +I.<br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Absinthe's a cunning word</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Dram-drinkers to entice,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">It comes from a Greek root which +means</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">The opposite of nice.</span><br> + <br> + <br> +II.<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The wormwood shrub its gall</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Essentially doth give</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To "ab" by which so many die.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">For which so many live.</span><br> + <br> + <br> +III.<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Its color is sea-green.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And should you enter where</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The blissful stimulant is sold.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">You'll see green people there.</span><br> + <br> + <br> +IV.<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">King DEATH no longer drenches</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">With "coal-black wine" his +throttle.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But slakes the drouth of his +awful mouth</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">With pulls at the <i>absinthe</i> +bottle.</span><br> + <br> + <br> +V.<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And why should we repine</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">At the poison that's in his cup,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Since the fools we can spare are +everywhere</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And "<i>ab</i>" will use them up?</span><br> + <br> +VI.<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then heigh! for the wormwood +shrub.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And ho! for the sea-green liquor</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">That softens the brain to sillybub</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And turns the blood to ichor!</span><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>GRAIN ELEVATORS.</b></p> + <p>Rye cocktails.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>ODD REQUEST.</b></p> + <p>Bishop Potter having forbidden the celebration of the Holy +Communion privately at St. Sacrament Mission, when a priest is the only +communicant, it seems that Father BEADLEY "has asked for the <i>formation +of thirty persons</i>, one of whom shall commune with him each day."</p> + <p>When Father B.'s thirty communing persons are fully "formed," +we should like to take a look at them. We should expect to find that a +new race is started at last. This would be disagreeable news to +Professor DARWIN, but there are plenty of other and rival Professors +who would be delighted at the phenomenon. Twenty-nine at least of the +newly-formed "persons" will always be "on view," as but one of the +thirty can be engaged at a time. Doubtless they will be able to +converse in the American language, and it will be <i>so</i> +interesting to hear them talk! To tell how they feel, and what they +think of things!</p> + <p>We should look for original and piquant views of everything +and everybody. If they should appeal to Nature's Standard, and +pronounce Mr. PUNCHINELLO the handsomest man in New York, who could +wonder? They would simply confirm the opinions of connoisseurs.</p> + <p>We hope they will give us a call as soon as "formed." Give us +but the opportunity, and we promise to make something of these +unsophisticated "persons." If we can but succeed in impressing on their +plastic young minds the principles which have hitherto guided us in our +own glorious path, we shall have no idle fears of their future. They +will be all right from the start. Just as the twig is bent, or rather +straightened, the high old tree has got to shoot up.</p> + <p>We look with interest for news of this unique formation.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Rebottling his Wrath.</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">BOTTLED BUTLER talks fierce +against poor JOHN BULL,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">All the British he'd kill at one +slap,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With their bones Bully BEN a +canal would fill full—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">The one that he dug at Dutch Gap.</span><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Con by a Switch-tender.</b></p> + <p>Why is a railway accident like a dandy? Because it's death on +the Ties.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/187.jpg"> + <p><b>BONED TURKEY.</b></p> + <p><i>John Bull.</i> "WELL, NOW, THIS IS TOO BAD!—HERE'S THIS +ROOSHAN FELLER BEEN AND GOBBLED UP ALL THE TURKEY!"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN'S FASHION REPORT.</b></p> + <p>The only Strictly Reliable Report on the Market.</p> + <br> + <p>A full-dressed girl of the Period, as she sails out for an +afternoon airin, looks like somethin as I imagine the north pole would, +with a 1/2 dozen rainbows rapt about it. She is a sorter of a +flag-staff, from whose perpendicularity the ensines of all nations +blows and flaps, and any man base enuff to haul down one solitary flag +will be shot on the spot. <i>A far dixy</i>. Tellin the thing jest as +it is, there's more flummy-diddles and mushroon attachments to a +woman's toggery nowadays than there is honest men in Wall street.</p> + <p>Durin the past season, overskirts and p-an-ears have been +looped up, makin the fair secks look as if she was gettin her garments +in trim to leep over some frog-pond.</p> + <p>The only change in overskirts now, is that they have been let +down a few pegs, giving the fair wearer an appearance of havin landed +safe on tother side of the Pollywog Asilum, which she has been all +summer waitin to jump over.</p> + <p>LONG TRAILLIN DRESSES are agin comin into fashin, to the great +detriment of the legitimate okerpashon of street-sweepin.</p> + <p>I understand that MARK TWAIN endorses long traillin skirts, +and compels his new infant to wear 'em. How schockin!</p> + <p>JET TRIMMINS are agin to have a run. The United States Sennit +will probably <i>Read</i> in a few black <i>orniments</i> this winter.</p> + <p>SHAWL SOOTS are a pooty gay harniss, nowadays, to sling on. To +make one, get an old shawl, ram your head through the middle of it, +then draw it snug about the waist, with a cast-off nitecap string.</p> + <p>Yaller and red are becoming cullers for a broonet, says <i>Harper's +bazar</i>. The 15th amendment ladies will please take notiss and +cultivate yaller hair and red noses in the futer.</p> + <p>RED GLOVES are much worn, makin the fashinable bell's hands +look like a washer-woman's thumb on a frosty mornin.</p> + <p>Some pooty <i>desines</i> have appeared in EAR RINGS, but the + <i>desines</i> of a sertin strong-minded click of femails to <i>ring</i> +the <i>ears</i> of their lords and masters hain't endorsed in this ere +report.</p> + <p>HAIR-DRESSIN.</p> + <p>The more frizzled and stirred up a ladey's hair appears +nowadays, the hire she stands in the eyes of the <i>Bon tung</i>. A +waterfall which will go into a store door without the wearer stoopin +over, hain't considered of suffishent altitood for a fashinable got-up <i>femme +de sham</i> to tug around.</p> + <p>Thrashin masheens are now used to get just the rite angle on +the hair.</p> + <p>The head is inserted in the masheen, which proceeds to give +the <i>copiliary</i> attraction a wuss shampoonin than can be got in a +Rale Rode smash up.</p> + <p>Where thrashin masheens hain't to be had, young gals sprinkle +the hair with corn-meel, and then let the chickens scratch it out. This +gets up a <i>snarl</i> which a Filadephy lawyer can't ontangle.</p> + <p><i>Chauced bolony sassiges</i> are fashinable danglin from a +ladey's back hair.</p> + <p>These are often worn dubble barrelled, remindin us of a yoke +of oxen—takin a waggin view of it.</p> + <p>MEN'S HARNISS.</p> + <p>Trowsers are very narrer contracted about the walkin pins.</p> + <p>The only way a feller can get his <i>calves</i> into his +bifurkates, is to fill his butes with <i>milk</i> and coax 'em through.</p> + <p>N.B.—The readers of this report musen't +misunderstand me, and undertake to crawl head first through their +garments, for I assure <i>him</i> or <i>her</i>, that I refer to the <i>calves</i> +of their perambulaters.</p> + <p>Cotes are worn short waisted, short in the skirts, and short +in the sleeves. I have known them <i>short</i> in the pocket, when the +taler sent in his bill.</p> + <p>Neckties are worn large, what would usually be alowed for a +silk dress is required now for a fashenable scarf.</p> + <p>With the 2 long ends, which hangs danglin down over a feller's +buzzum, it doesent make a bit of difference if he wears a ragged shirt, +dirty shirt, or no shirt at all.</p> + <p>Charity covers a multitood of sins, I'm told, and so does the +new stile of scarfs cover a heep of dirt and old rags.</p> + <p>The new stile of silk hats, worn by a femail heart destroyer, +is big enuff to hitch up dubble, with the shoo, in which the old lady +and her children "hung out."</p> + <p>Altho the wimmen fokes have got off the <i>steel trimmims</i>, +I notiss the Internal Revenoo Offisers are continerly gettin in <i>stealin +trim</i>.</p> + <p>This strictly reliable report will be isshood as often as the +undersined gets any new cloze.</p> + <p>Any person wishin to know how to dress, can obtain the +required informashen by sendin a ten cent shinny to PUNCHINELLO Pub. Co.</p> + <p>A well-drest man is the noblest work of his taler, likewise is +a full-rigged woman the noblest work of her taleress.</p> + <p>Which is the opinion of the compiler of this work.</p> + <p>Stilishly Ewers,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,</p> + <p>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE DREAM OF A DINER-OUT.</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But yesterday night I dreamed a +dream—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">I forget what I'd dined on, +really,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Twas something heavy, and then +I'd read</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">"What I Know of Farming," by +GREELEY.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Many and strange were the sights +I saw</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">As I turned on my restless pillow,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">BISMARCK and BLUCHER pitching +cents</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">For beer, 'neath a weeping willow.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">JULIUS CAESAR was turning up +trumps</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">In a nice little game at euchre,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With a Chinese coolie, GEORGE +FRANCIS TRAIN,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">SATAN, and old JOE HOOKER.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">EARL RUSSELL the small, to make +himself tall,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Close by on his dignity stood,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">While LITTLE JOHN sang the "Song +of the Shirt"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">'Till I thought he was ROBBIN' +HOOD!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">BRUTUS was taking a "whiskey +straight,"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Which I didn't think orthodox;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">While GRANT, with his usual zeal +for sport,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Seemed busy with fighting Cox!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But I woke at last with a +boisterous laugh</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">From a dream that was simply +ridiculous,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For I knew (so did you) it +couldn't be true</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">That France had succumbed to St. +NICHOLAS.</span><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/189.jpg"> + <p><b>RAILWAY TALK.</b></p> + <p><i>Old Lady</i>. "SONNY, BE THEM EGGS FRESH OR STALE?"</p> + <p><i>Boy</i>. "FRESH, 'M. I <i>buys</i> MY EGGS, I DOESN'T +STALE 'EM!"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/190.jpg"> + <p><b>EGGS-ACTLY!</b></p> + <p><i>Mr. Benedick.</i> "BY JOVE! WHAT AN AWFUL SMELL OF +ASAFOETIDA THIS EGG HAS!"</p> + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> "O, HOW SHOCKING! NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, I <i>DID</i> +THROW AWAY SOME ASAFOETIDA PILLS, AND I SUPPOSE THE HENS HAVE BEEN +EATING THEM!"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO XIV.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">By by, baby bunting,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Daddy's gone a-hunting,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To get a little rabbit skin</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To wrap the baby bunting in.</span><br> + <p>At last there came a day when the husband was of no +consequence in his own house. When numerous female visitors frowned +upon and snubbed him. When his mother-in-law glared at him and +entreated him despitefully if he ventured into her august and fearful +presence; and even that wonderful and mysterious person, the hired +nurse, unfeelingly ordered him out of the house, and bade him "begone +about his business." The miserable and conscience-stricken wretch +wandered disconsolately from room to room, only to meet with fresh +humiliation and contumely, and at last, in sheer despair, betook +himself off to a lonely and gloomsome spot in the dark wood, and there, +in penitent humility, bewailed his misfortune in being that miserably +and insignificant nonentity—<i>a man.</i></p> + <p>Sorrowfully resting his head upon his hands, his eyes fixed +upon the ground, his whole soul absorbed in self-reproach, he passes +the long hours in gloomy abstraction, wishing, he hardly knew what, +only that he was not, what he unfortunately happened to be at that +moment, a man despised of women and hated by his mother-in-law. His +sorrowful musings were broken in upon by his one faithful friend, the +gentle companion of many a quiet hour, his affectionate and devoted +pet, his beloved cat. Gently rubbing her head against his penitent +knee, she awakens the absorbed poet to a realization of her presence, +and to a feeling of pleasure that he is not deserted by all, but has +one heart left that beats for him alone.</p> + <p>Fondly taking his feline friend in his arms, he softly strokes +her back, and gazes lovingly into the soft green eyes that look +responsively into his, and rebukes her not when, in impulsive love, she +rubs her cold nose against his burning cheek, and wipes her eyes upon +his frail moustache.</p> + <p>Night draws on apace. The dew begins to fall; the pangs of +hunger to manifest themselves; and hesitatingly and timidly he and his +cat turn their footsteps homeward. Loiter as he will, each moment +brings him nearer to that abode where once he thought himself master; +but to his astonishment he now finds himself an outcast and a reproach.</p> + <p>Slowly and quietly he creeps around to the back kitchen door, +his cat held tightly in his arms, stealthily enters, and meekly drops +into a chair, the image of a self-convicted burglar.</p> + <p>Presently he hears a sound of smothered laughter, a quick, +light step, and mother-in-law and nurse enter, full of importance, and +unnaturally friendly with each other. The unhappy man silently tries to +shrink into nothingness, and thus escape being again driven out of +doors; but the Argus eyes peer into the dark corner, and his intentions +are frustrated.</p> + <p>Tremblingly he steps forth, into the light, prepared to meekly +obey the harsh command, when, to his great surprise, his fearful +mother-in-law smiles benignly upon him, and with a knowing look and +gracious beckoning with the forefinger, bids him follow.</p> + <p>He follows, dizzy with the unlooked-for reception, and, in a +bewildered state, is ushered into that sanctum of privacy from which he +has been ignominiously debarred all day—his wife's room.</p> + <p>The revulsion of feeling was too much for the poor man. His +head began to whirl, and his eyes were blinded. He had a faint +perception of his wife speaking to him, and of his being shown +something, he didn't know what; of being told to do something, he +didn't know what; and standing dazed and helpless until forcibly led +from the room, and bidden to "go get his supper and not act like a +fool."</p> + <p>The familiar expression and natural manner completely restored +his wavering consciousness, and he knowingly made his way to the +kitchen and vigorously attacked a largo pork-pie, which he gloriously +conquered and felt all the pride of a hero.</p> + <p>The next day, having regained in a measure his usual +self-control, he was allowed once more, in consideration of the +position he held in the family, to enter that <i>sanctum sanctorum</i>, +and gaze upon its inmates. His acute mother-in-law, having extracted a +promise of absence for the day, on condition of being allowed to look +at his own child a moment, carefully deposits in his trembling hands a +small woollen bundle with a tiny speck of a face peering therefrom.</p> + <p>Indescribable emotions rushed through his frame at the first +touch of that soft warm roll of flannel, and a torrent of tumultuous +joy bubbled up in his heart when he had so far mastered his emotions as +to be able to touch with one nervous finger the little soft red cheek, +lying so peacefully in his arms. The tiny hands doubled up, so brave +looking yet so helpless now, giving promise of the future, brought +tears of joy and pride to his eyes, and stooping over the wondrous +future man, he pressed a kiss upon its unconscious face.</p> + <p>That kiss awoke the sleeping muse within him. Blissful visions +of the future, and ambitious feelings for the present, started into +being. His first thought was to do something to please the potent +little fellow; but happening to glance at his "everlasting terror," he +remembered his promise. A brilliant idea striking him at that moment, +he apostrophized the infant in the touching words:—</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">By by, baby bunting,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Daddy's gone a-hunting,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To get a little rabbit skin</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To wrap the baby bunting in.</span><br> + <p>One more kiss, and with a little sigh he lays the precious +burden down, and departs to spend the day in the woods, according to +promise, so as not to be bothering around under foot, and getting in +everybody's way when he ain't wanted.</p> + <p>As he cannot entirely control circumstances, he is determined +to make the best of them, and he mentally blesses the happy thought, or +rather inspiration, that suggested the soft rabbit skin as a bed for +the baby, and resolves that it alone shall be the object of his day's +search.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POLISHING THE POLICE.</b></p> + <p><img alt="D" align="left" src="images/191.jpg">oubtless there +is much room for improvement in the deportment and speech of our very +efficient Municipal Police. Citizens have frequently to apply to them +for information, and it sometimes happens that the answer is couched in +language that may be Polish, so far as the querist knows, though, in +fact, there is no polish about it. It is more likely to be COPTIC, as +the policeman of the period likes to call himself a "COP." If there is +a street sensation in progress, and you ask a contemplative policeman +the cause of it, matters are not made perfectly clear to you when he +replies that it is "only a put-up job to screen a fence" or words to +that affect. If you ask him to explain things more fully he will +probably say, "Shoo! fly," or "you know how it is yourself," or +recommend you to "scratch gravel." Such expressions as these are very +embarrassing to strangers, and even to citizens whose pathways have not +led them through the brambly tracts of police philology.</p> + <p>In view of these facts, the public have reason to be thankful +to Justice DOWLING for the reproof administered by him, a few days +since, to a policeman who made use of slang in addressing the bench. +The reprehended officer of the law spoke about a prisoner being "turned +over," when he should have said "discharged." This gave Mr. DOWLING +occasion to pass some severe remarks with regard to the use of slang +terms generally, by policemen, and to caution them against addressing +persons in any such jargon. The lesson was a timely one, and we hope +that it may prove effective, since we frequently hear perplexed +inquirers complaining that their education has been neglected so far as +slang is concerned, and lamenting that, when young, they had not +devoted themselves rather to the study of the Thieves' Dictionary than +to that of the polite but comparatively useless treatises on their +native tongue.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>THREE LETTERS.</b></p> + <p>I was persuaded to send my son to Dr. STUFFEM'S +boarding-school, in "the salubrious village of Whelpville" (I quote +from the Doctor's circular), "where the moral training of the pupils is +under the parental supervision of the Principal." Since the arrival of +Master THEOPHILUS, I have just received weekly reports of his progress +on printed forms, and I presume it is satisfactory, although I do not +precisely understand these weekly missives, which are only a complex +arrangement of figures. To-day, however, I am favored with three +letters which came in a bulky envelope, and I append them, in the order +of their perusal by myself. The first seems to be written by a +schoolmate of my son's, and was probably placed in the envelope +inadvertently by THEOPHILUS. I do not venture to make any alteration in +the orthography of the first and second epistles, as I do not know what +dictionary may be authoritative in Whelpville.</p> + <blockquote> + <p>"Deer Thee its rainin like blaises and I cant get out since +I came heer Ive had bully times and I hope Ill keep sik a good wile our +doctur lets me eat donuts but sez I musnt play out in the rain wen its +rainin farther told me Id beter rite to sum of my scholmaids and giv me +this hole sheet of paper maibe Id get a leter rote before dinner but I +cant tell you mutch wile its rainin Thee git sik and you can come heer +to git wel our doctur is bully I havent took no stuf but sitrate of +magneeshia and I don't mind that litel Billy Sims wot lives down by the +postofis has got meesils and you can ketch them from him if he arnt ded +and then old Stuffy can rite to your farther to let you come here and +tel him weve got a bully doctor Thee if Billy Sims is ded or got wel +you mite ketch somthin ells and its prime heer farthers got a gun and I +no where the pouder is bring some pecushin caps with you Thee or well +hav to tuch her off with a cole if old Beeswax wont let you come you +mite send me some caps in a leter don't mash em Thee doctur sais I wil +be wel in about a munth if I don't ketch cold but I can easy fall in +the pond before the munth is out Thee its hoopincof time and you can +easy ketch that you only hav to hold yur breth til you most bust our +doctur is bully for hoopincof.</p> + <p>"Thee weve got a barn and theres lots of ha on 2 high +plaises were we can clime up there arnt no steps nor lader and we hav +to clime up poles its bully Thee theres four cats heer and one lets me +nuss her the others is all wild and run under the barn we can hunt them +wild ones Ive got 2 long poles to poke under the barn but I wont hunt +the cats till you come. I get lots of aigs up on the ha when it arnt +rainin I got four yesterda and sukt 2 and took 2 to mother the 2 I sukt +was elegant but one of mothers had a litel chiking in it.</p> + <p>"Thee you hav to come heer on the ralerode farther brot me +but yore farther needent bring you there arnt no plais for him to sleep +but you can sleep with me theres a boy sels candy in the cars and +theres penuts on a stand in the deepoe 5 sents gits a pocketful the +candy is nasty but its in purty boxes its ten sents theres a old wommen +keeps the penut stand but shes got a litel gurl and the gurl gives you +most for 5 sents don't let the old wommen wate on you but just ask the +prise and then sa sis give us 5 sents worth shes awful spry wen you git +the penuts just come out of the big dore of the deepoe and keep strait +down the rode til you come to our house you can tel it by the 4 cats if +they arnt under the barn but you can ask somebody ware farther lives +his name is Mister Gillander but these fools that lives about hear cal +him Mr. Glander.</p> + <p>"Thee do come dinners reddy</p> + <p>"Yores afectionate DICK GILLANDER"</p> + </blockquote> + <p>My son's letter, or rather the first draft of it, is not much +more artistic in appearance than the foregoing. He is evidently in the +same class in orthography with his friend, Master Gillander, and I do +not doubt that, under careful culture, he may emulate the various +virtues of his friend, and become, in time, an accomplished "aig" +sucker. Here is his letter in the original:—</p> + <blockquote> + <p>"DEER FARTHER:—As this is the da fur composition +doctur STUFFEM sed I mite rite you a leter for my composition and I +rite these fu lines to let you no that I am wel, but one of the boys is +my roomait and is gone home sick but he is beter and has got a good +doctur and be wants me to come down to his howse pleas sir send me a +dolar it is on a ralerode and the fair is fourty 5 sents. I can go +Satterda and come back Mundy and there is a meetin house clost by dicks +howse and they go to meetin in a carrige and dick drives</p> + <p>"Yores respectful</p> + <p>"THEOPHILUS"</p> + </blockquote> + <p>The third epistle was written on a clean sheet, the date being +in the middle of the first page, and the entire production bearing the +marks of herculean effort. I infer that this final letter was a +"corrected, proof," and had to pass a severe examination. Probably, +this was the only one intended for my eye, and I cannot account for the +arrival of the three documents, except upon the hypothesis that my boy +heedlessly and hurriedly thrust them in one enclosure, and forgot to +remove the phonetic specimens before mail time. It ran thus:—</p> + <blockquote> + <p>"MY DEAR FATHER: In lieu of the usual essay required of +pupils on this day, my preceptor allows me to write a letter to you, +which he hopes may serve to evince my progress in the art of +composition, the improvement in my penmanship (to which he devotes +special attention), and to inform you of my continued health. Indeed, +in this delightful locality, nothing else could be expected, as +Whelpville, being 796 feet above tide-water, is entirely free from +those miasmatic influences which unfortunately affect the sanitary +condition of those institutions of learning that are less favorably +situated. The only case of sickness that has occurred since my arrival, +and for a long time previously, was that of my room-mate and friend, +Richard Gillander, whose father has recently purchased an estate in our +neighborhood, principally on account of the salubrity of our climate. +But Richard had doubtless contracted the disease, which was of an +intermittent character, at his former school, which was the Riverbank +Classical Academy, at Swamptown. Our kind preceptor allowed Richard to +return to his father's house until his health should be entirely +restored. He is now decidedly convalescent, and has written me an +urgent invitation to visit him on Saturday next. As this invitation is +corroborated by a letter from Mr. Gillander to our preceptor, I should +be much pleased to accept it, with your approval. If you have no +objection to this arrangement, therefore, I will thank you to enclose +me one dollar by mail, as the railway fare to Richard's home amounts to +nearly this sum.</p> + <p>"Hoping for a favorable reply, and promising myself the +pleasure of writing you a full account of this visit one week hence,</p> + <p>"I remain,</p> + <p>My dear parent,</p> + <p>Your dutiful Son,</p> + <p>THEOPHILUS."</p> + </blockquote> + <p>This letter breathed such an air of lofty morality that I was +quite overcome. I enclosed the required dollar, of course, and wrote a +line to Doctor STUFFEM complimenting him upon the manifest improvement +in his pupil. I am looking with some anxiety for the promised letter +recounting the incidents of the projected visit, and have some +misgivings induced by Master DICK'S hints concerning the gun, +powderhorn, and percussion-caps. I infer, however, from the last +letter, that such a change has been wrought upon THEOPHILUS, that he +will probably spend his holiday in reciting moral apothegms to his +friend and "room-mait."</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/192.jpg"> + <p><b>SEVERE.</b></p> + <p><i>Irascible old Gent (to garrulous barber).</i> "SHOO! +SHOO!—WHY DON'T YOU TREAT YOUR TALK<br> +AS YOU DO YOUR HAIR—CUT IT SHORT?"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA.</b></p> + <p>PART III.</p> + <p>THE GEYSERS.</p> + <p>A fascinating, achromatic sketch of the Geysers of Iceland, +those wonderful hydraulic volcanoes, which would readily he considered +objects of the greatest natural grandeur, if the hotels in the +neighborhood were only a little better kept and more judiciously +advertised. Before these stupendous hot-water works the spectator +stands aghast, and boils his egg in fourteen seconds, by a stop-watch.</p> + <p>It would seem as though the poet's invocation,</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"Come, gentle spring! ethereal +mildness, come,"</span><br> + <p>were somewhat rudely answered, for the spring comes with a +noise like thunder, bringing with it "ethereal mildness" at the rate of +ten thousand gallons a minute. It has been calculated that there is +thrown out annually water enough to supply all the hot whiskey punches +that are required during that time in the State of Maine alone. Old +sailors say it reminds them of a whale fastened alongside their +ship—it is a Seething Tide.</p> + <p>These vast wreaths, which the painter's art has so beautifully +revealed to us at the top of the canvas, are steam. It runs no +machinery, bursts no boilers, does nothing, in fact, that is useful, +but only hangs round. Yet these volcanoes are full of instruction to +those who live by them, impressing upon each and every one the +mournful, yet scientific truth, that his life is but a vapor.</p> + <br> + <p>A VIEW OF MELROSE, MIDDLESEX COUNTY, MASS.</p> + <p>It has been well said, "If you would view fair Melrose, do it +by moonlight." Our artist found that the suburban trains had not been +arranged with an eye to this effect, and he was reluctantly obliged to +give us his impressions of this charming spot by daylight.</p> + <p>This, however, has its advantages.</p> + <p>The elegant private residences, neatly trimmed lawns, graceful +shade trees, beautifully dressed women and children, driving or +promenading, are all more distinctly brought out.</p> + <p>The male population, for the most part, are brought out a few +hours later, by steam and horse cars.</p> + <p>Everything here betokens ease and refinement. Here they refine +sugar, in this large brick building.</p> + <p>The school-houses, churches, and town-hall are easily +distinguished from each other, being of brick, with a brown belfry. On +the extreme left is the town-farm for paupers. We haven't time, so we +won't dwell upon this.</p> + <br> + <p>THE PYRAMIDS OF EGYPT.</p> + <p>These highly interesting old buildings are presented with +extraordinary fidelity. They were taken on the spot. They are three in +number, you will observe. I presume you cannot tell me what this is? We +paid for it as the Sphinx, and it is pronounced by competent judges an +exceedingly flattering portrait. The Pyramids are centuries old. It is +understood that Miss Sphinx, out of respect to her sex, is about thirty +summers—permanently.</p> + <p>I will not deceive you. These structures are immense tombs +full of mummies; all the rooms are taken. From careful observation, it +is concluded that, like the Federal Union, they "must be preserved." +Here they stay in rapt solitude. A glance at the superintendent's +register, as you go in, shows that the "PHARAOH family" furnish the +largest number of inmates.</p> + <p>Look at this caravan about to cross the Desert. The camels are +going instead of coming. They are the ships of the +desert—hardships. The leading camel has a bell appended to +his neck, which at this moment is ringing for Sahara. We wish them good +luck on their journey.</p> + <p>This gentleman on the rear camel (which you notice carries a +red flag to prevent collision), who is jauntily attired in nankeen +trousers and a blue cotton umbrella, is a physician from New Jersey, +whose sands of life have nearly run out. He will get plenty more by +to-morrow.</p> + <br> + <p>A STORM OFF HATTERAS.</p> + <p>A terrific sight!</p> + <p>You can't sec anything, it is so thick. The sea runs mountain +high. The gallant ship, with creaking masts, drives before the gale and +plunges over the crests of the foaming billows. That is what she was +built for.</p> + <p>The thunder peals crash after crash, and occasionally crash +before crash. The lightning's lurid glare illumines, ever and anon, the +scene.</p> + <p>The stoutest hold their breath, and if they can't do that, +they hold to a belaying-pin, while the awe-stricken crew in vain +attempt to pump out the hold. All is darkness, except in the binnacle.</p> + <p>We leave the noble vessel to her fate, with the cheering +conviction that she is fully insured.</p> + <br> + <p>THE COLISEUM AT ROME.</p> + <p>Who has not yet heard of the Coliseum at Rome, that great +masterpiece of Architecture, wherein Rome held her gladiatorial +combats, her peace jubilees, and other solemnities! What classic +associations cluster around it; what tender recollections of Latin +Grammar and of ROMULUS and REMUS, CATILINE, and other friends of our +youth, crowd upon us!</p> + <p>Here is where the poet saw the lying gladiator die; and where +Mr. FORREST beheld the arena swim around him. You perceive from the +outline of this immense building that there was ample room for this +purpose.</p> + <p>A look at this recalls past ages; the palmy days of Rome. I +need not remind my young friends that Rome is not so palmy as she was. +And yet there is no reason in the world why she couldn't be made a +great railroad centre. Look at Troy!</p> + <p>Strangers repair to this venerable pile from every part of the +earth, though it is somewhat out of repair just at present.</p> + <p>This view, I need hardly explain, is intended to be by +moonlight. The student, the philosopher, the lover of the classics, +will gaze upon this ruin with emotions of mingled joy and sadness.</p> + <p>Other lovers will gaze at this object, which, without my +assistance, they will recognize as the silver-orbed moon. Mark its +pensive rays. The silver moon will now roll on—to the next +subject.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART & CO.</span></big><br> + <small>ARE OFFERING<br> + </small> EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS<br> + IN DRESS GOODS,<br> + <small>VIZ:</small><br> +An Extra Quality Printed Rep,<br> +20c. PER YARD;<br> +REGULAR PRICE 25c.<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Plain Poplins,</span></big><br> +25c. AND 30c. PER YARD.</p> + <p><small><br> +VERY HEAVY AND FINE PLAID POPLINS,</small> 50c. PER YARD; RECENT +PACKAGE PRICE, 65c.</p> + <p> A LARGE LOT OF<br> + <big>EMPRESS CLOTHS,</big><br> +50c. PER YARD; RECENTLY SOLD AT 75c</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">CLOTH COLORED SERGES,<br> + DRAPS DE FRANCE,<br> +DRAPS D'ETE,<br> +CACHIMERES,<br> +MERINOES,<br> +SILK AND WOOL AND ALL<br> +WOOL EPINCLINES, Etc.</p> + <p><big>AT GREATLY REDUCED PRICES</big>.<br> + ALL OF WHICH ARE OF THE FINEST AND CHOICEST FRENCH MANUFACTURE.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th +Streets.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="3" style="text-align: left;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <b>CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</b><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>"The Awakening,"</b></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Wild Roses.</b></big></big> 12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x +10-1/4—for ..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART & CO.<br> + <br> + </span></big> <small>HAVE JUST RECEIVED AND OPENED</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">2 Crates of Very Elegant +Imported Lap Rugs<br> + <br> + </span> <small>ALSO<br> + <br> + </small> A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF<br> + <big> DOMESTIC LAP RUGS,</big><br> +AT<br> +GREATLY REDUCED PRICES,<br> +VIZ:<br> +$4 TO $6 EACH.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, Fourth Ave.,<br> + 9th and 10th Sts.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A. T. STEWART & CO.</big></p> + <p>RESPECTFULLY REQUEST THE ATTENTION OF THEIR FRIENDS AND +CUSTOMERS TO THEIR ELEGANT ASSORTMENT OF<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;"> LADIES' READY-MADE</span></big> +VELVET,<br> +SILK,<br> +POPLIN and<br> +CLOTH SUITS.</p> + <p>THE HIGHEST AND MOST ATTRACTIVE OFFERED THIS SEASON.<br> + <small>PRICES FROM $50 TO $375 EACH.</small></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHITE ORGANDIE DRESSES,</span> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">VERY ELEGANT.</span></small></p> + <p><small>ALSO THE BALANCE OF THEIR</small> LADIES' CHEVIOT<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">WOOL SHAWL SUITS,</span></big><br> + <small>$5 EACH<br> + <br> + </small> LADIES' WATER-PROOF SUITS, <small>$7.50 EACH.<br> + <br> + </small> LADIES' BLACK ALPACA SUITS,<small>$8 EACH.<br> + <br> + </small> CHILDREN'S WATER-PROOF SUITS, <small>$2 50 EACH.<br> + <br> + </small> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Children's Elegantly +Braided Suits.</span><br> +$4 50 EACH.</p> + <p><small>ABOUT ONE-HALF THE COST OF PRODUCTION.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, 4th Ave., 9th and 10th +Sts.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" width="66%"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/194.jpg"> <b>CHURCH BELLES.</b><br> + <br> + <i>Husband.</i> "MAKE HASTE, BELLA, THE CHURCH BELLS HAVE CEASED +RINGING."<br> + <br> + <i>Wife.</i> "DON'T WORRY, DEAR! MRS. GOLDRISK NEVER GETS TO +CHURCH UNTIL AFTER THE FIRST LESSON, AND SHE IS SWEETLY GOOD AS WELL AS +FASHIONABLE." </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><br> + <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<br> + </small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><b>IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST +COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</b></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <b>For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, +NASHVILLE, MOBILE,<br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b><br> + <small>VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24,<br> +BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH,<br> +IS NOW READY.</small></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">PRICE $2.50.</span><br> + <small>Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</span><br> +83 Nassau Street, New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="30%" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>PUNCHINELLO.</big></big></p> + <p><small>With a large and varied experience in the management +and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with +the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.</p> + <p><small>OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK</small></p> + <p><small>Presents to the public for approval, the new</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>Illustrated Humorous and +Satirical</small></p> + <p><small>WEEKLY PAPER,</small></p> + <p><big><big>PUNCHINELLO,</big></big></p> + <p><small>The first number of which was issued under date of +April 2.</small></p> + <p>ORIGINAL ARTICLES</p> + <p><small>Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs or +suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the +day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally.</small></p> + <p><small>Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless +postage stamps are enclosed.</small></p> + <p>TERMS:</p> + <p><small>One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies 10 A +specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents. One +copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper, +price $2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, +for 7 00</small></p> + <p><small>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed +to</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span></p> + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street,</p> + <p>P.O. Box 2789. NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>PROFESSOR JAMES DE +MILLE,</big></big></big></p> + <p>Author of</p> + <p><big>"THE DODGE CLUB ABROAD"</big><br> + <small>AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS,</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Will Commence a New Serial</p> + <p>IN THE NUMBER OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big><big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"</big></big></big></big></p> + <p>FOR</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>January 7th, 1871,</big></p> + <p><big>Written expressly for this paper.</big></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><big><b>A CHRISTMAS STORY,</b></big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Written expressly for this +Paper,</big></p> + <p>By FRANK R. STOCKTON,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Author of "Ting-a-ling," etc., etc.,</p> + <p>WILL BE COMMENCED IN No. 38, FOR DECEMBER 17TH,<br> +AND CONCLUDED IN THREE NUMBERS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10933 ***</div> +</body> +</html> + + |