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diff --git a/10934-0.txt b/10934-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7582a8e --- /dev/null +++ b/10934-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2348 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10934 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TIFFANY & CO., | + | | + | UNION SQUARE, | + | | + | Offer a large and choice stock of | + | | + | LADIES' WATCHES, | + | | + | Of all sizes and every variety of Casing, with Movements | + | of the finest quality. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER, | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + +Vol. II. No. 39. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie Flowers," +"Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large and small. +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. +L. 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I have paid at least $3,000 | + | for the stitching done by this old machine, and it will do | + | as much now as any machine I have. | + | | + | W.F. TAYLOR. | + | | + | BERLIN, N.Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The only Journal of its kind in America!! | + | | + | The American Chemist: | + | | + | A MONTHLY JOURNAL | + | | + | OF | + | | + | Theoretical, Analytical, and Technical Chemistry | + | | + | DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS. | + | | + | EDITED BY Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W. H. Chandler. | + | | + | The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | + | reception of original articles from any part of the country, | + | subject to approval of the editor. 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Send for our | + | Special Circular. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N.Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No. 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +MAN AND WIVES. + +A TRAVESTY. + +By MOSE SKINNER, + +CHAPTER SIXTH. + +ANN'S RECEPTION. + +The next morning, as ANN was eating breakfast, who should drive up in a +covered wagon but the Hon. MICHAEL. + +"Just as I expected," said she. "They've found out where I am, and +they'll come out here and try to pump me about it. But I don't envy 'em +their job. Come in," she added, in answer to the Hon. MICHAEL'S somewhat +timid knock. + +"How'd'do, ANN," said he. "Sister-in-law said you was here, and I +thought I'd come over and see you. Besides," he continued, in evident +embarrassment, "there's one or two things I thought you'd like to know." + +"Well?" said she, as he paused. "Out with it, old fellow. Don't be +bashful." + +"Oh! I ain't," he replied, rubbing his knees nervously. "Well, in the +fust place, the old lady is awfully down on you, says you've disgraced +the family, and she disowns you, and all that sort of humbug, but I shet +her up by telling her that whatever she said agin _you_, she said agin +_me_." He looked at ANN admiringly, and, taking from his pocket a large +package of red and white candy, handed it to her. Then he turned very +red in the face, looked hard at the ceiling, and repeated Mrs. LADLE'S +message all over again. + +"First thing, _told_," said he. + +It was plain to ANN that he had really come with the intention of making +love to her, but was anxious to find how the land lay first. But she +didn't give him any encouragement. Under existing circumstances, she +didn't think 'twould be right. + +"Well," said she, "anything else?" + +"Oh yes, I believe so,--ah--BELINDA sends love, and is jest about crazy +to see you, and hear all about it. Shouldn't wonder a bit if she was +over here afore the day's over." + +He moved his chair nearer hers, glanced at her furtively, and sighed +deeply. + +"Second thing, told," said he. + +"Well, I'm much obliged to you. Items of gossip are victuals and drink +to our sex, you know. Don't be in a hurry," she continued, seeing that +he showed no signs of going. "Looking for your hat? Yes, here it is. Let +me put it on for you," she added in her gentle, winning way. "Good-by. +To think," she added, looking after him, "that the old pill should get +spoony on _me_!" + +Sure enough, in the afternoon up drove BELINDA. + +"Awful glad to see you, ANN dear," said she, kissing her. "I'm dying to +know all about it. As soon as I found out where you were, I rushed out +and hitched up the old mare myself. But I knew she'd never go so far +from home without an object in view to urge her. So I fastened a bag of +oats in front of her head. Didn't she just streak it? The idea of her +chasing them oats five miles before she caught 'em! She's out there now +eating 'em, propped up by a couple of fence-rails. But tell me, quick, +are you really married, as you said you'd be in that letter you left on +my wash-stand?" + +"Yes, I am," replied ANN. + +"Where's your husband? Who is he? Do tell me all about it. Does he look +like anybody I know?" + +"Well, I should say he did." answered ANN, grinning. "You see it's a +sort of a joke, BELINDA. You wouldn't see the point now, half as well as +you will after you're married to ARCHIBALD. Then I'll tell you. Oh, it's +too rich!" And she laughed immoderately. + +"Oh, I can't wait. Tell me now. If you will, I'll give you my new +_piqué_ and that bracelet. Come, why can't you?" + +"Because I don't choose to," replied ANN coolly. + +"Seems to me you're mighty short about it anyhow. Putting on airs, ain't +you, because you got married before I did?" + +"Well, you needn't think nobody can get a fellow but you. Pooh, I could +cut _you_ out, any time." + +"Oh, you _could_, could you?" returned BELINDA in high disdain. "Perhaps +you'd better try it on, with them freckles and that mole. I don't think +your husband, whoever he is, can brag much of his taste in the female +line. I'm sure _I_ don't want to see him, so you can keep him locked up, +you jealous thing. It's some old rowdy, I s'pose, that nobody else would +look at. I hate you, and always did. Don't never come near me. There!" +And she left in high dudgeon. + +As she drove off, ANN stood by the window watching her. She +soliloquized, "So you think, Miss BELINDA, do you, 'that I'd better try +it on, with them freckles and that mole!' I think I _have_ tried it on, +and pretty effectually too. Just wait till you're married to BLINKSOP, +that's all." + +By dark she began to look impatiently for TEDDY, for she felt sure he'd +find JEFFRY somewhere. It was nine o'clock, however, before he made his +appearance. + +"Did you find him?" she inquired eagerly. + +"I did, mum, sure, and a hard pull I had of it. I beat the whole town +through, and at last I found him a rollin' bowly alleys, and I giv him +your letther. Sich dreadful swears as he giv, mum, a walkin' up and down +an' a crushing his fingers like, and a bitin' his teeth together, and +then he stops in front of me, and says in an awful theatur voice, 'Tell +her,' says he, 'that I'll come,' and he giv me a kick, mum, as boosted +me clear to the sidewalk, and I see plainly as he had more remarks of +that same kind to deliver, and I edged off at about five miles an hour. +Goodnight to ye, mum." + +ANN slept calmly and sweetly that night, for the one cherished idea of +her innocent girlhood was about to be consummated, and she smiled in her +sleep and thought she saw her mother. + +JEFFRY MAULBOY kept his word. He was there at noon of the next day. And +the minister that was to marry them, and the lawyer that was to divorce +them, were there also. + +At one o'clock they were man and wife, sworn to love, honor, and obey +each other till death did them part. At a quarter of two o'clock they +were man and woman, sworn to love, honor, and obey anybody they wanted +to, for a divorce did them part. And they went their separate ways. + + +CHAPTER SEVENTH. + +WHERE IS ANN? + +BELINDA returned from the Half-Way House, firmly determined to find out +all about that affair of ANN'S. Any woman would naturally feel curious +about it, and BELINDA really cannot be blamed for showing a little +feeling. "To think." said she, "after all my bragging that I'd be +married first, and the times I've twitted her of being too homely to get +a beau, that she should step out and get married right under my very +nose, and I not know anything about it, or even who she's married. Oh, +it's _too_ much. But I'll find out, if I die for it, and if there _is_ +anything about it that ain't straight, won't I crow over her?" + +The Hon. MICHAEL was also very anxious to find out about it. With the +affectionate ardor of a grass widower of fifty-five, in a State where +divorces sprout like mushrooms, he was loath to believe that ANN was +utterly lost to him. No, he would find her, he would follow her if +necessary to the world's end, living only in this hope, and when at last +the goal was reached, and her adored form greeted his vision, he would +pour out his wealth of love, bending his ear to catch the sweet +response, and then, and only then, would everything be lovely. + +And so it comes that he and BELINDA, each with a different motive, take +counsel together in reference to the same end. + +BELINDA'S first step was to send ARCHIBALD to the Half-Way House, for a +full description of the man that called there for ANN. + +"Be smart for once in your life," said she, "and find out _something_." + +Then she and the Hon. MICHAEL started off to find out what direction ANN +took after leaving the Half-Way House. They interviewed every +carriage-driver, depot-master, and hotel-keeper for miles around, but +without the slightest success. They finally came across a farmer, +however, who said be drove a woman to the station below. To their eager +inquiries as to her appearance, he could say nothing further, than he +thought she wore a dress, and was quite sure, though not certain, that +she had on either a shawl, or some other outside garment. He remembered +her distinctly, because the half-dollar she gave him turned out to be +counterfeit, and he got rid of it by giving it to a blind beggar; after +which, he said, he sneaked round the corner, and laughed till he was red +in the face, to think how slick that beggar was fooled. + +This might be ANN, they thought, but to make sure, they telegraphed to +six different stations, promising a small reward in case their pursuit +was successful. In due time the answers came, all very much alike, and +to the effect that a woman, answering their description, was seen to +take such and such a train, and that the reward would reach them at the +following address, etc.; at which they went home rather discouraged, to +see what ARCHIBALD had accomplished. + +He said he went to the Half-way House, and questioned Mrs. BACKUP and +TEDDY for four hours, without finding out the first thing. "You're a +numskull," said BELINDA. "If I hadn't got any more brains than you have, +I'd swap myself off for a dog, and then kill the dog." + +"I don't believe the folks there would tell, anyhow," said the Hon. +MICHAEL; "she's probably hired 'em to keep mum." + +Now the fact was, ARCHIBALD hadn't been near the Half-way House at all. +There wasn't money enough in the State to hire him to do so, after the +fearful ordeal he had there passed through. So he hid in the woods all +day, and rehearsed this terrible falsehood, making himself miserable by +repeating those extracts from the catechism which refer to the future +abode of liars. + +Though thus foiled in their active investigations, they still held long +consultations on the absorbing topic, and in which, to ARCHIBALD'S +horror, he is often obliged to participate. He has had it on his +tongue's end forty times to tell BELINDA all about his forced marriage +with ANN at the Half-way House. He has even dreamed, on two separate +nights, that he has done so, but he woke up both times in a cold, clammy +sort of ooze, and it has naturally shaken his confidence, and so the +words stick in his throat. And he remembers ANN'S horrible threat of +coming for him when she wants him, and he makes it a point of doing all +his out-door business before dark, and the bare mention of her name will +make him start and glare wildly about him. And still BELINDA courts him +more persistently than ever, and it is a scene calculated to touch the +most rugged nature to watch them together, she smoothing his hair, and +calling him her "Tootsy-pootsy," or reading poetry to him, stopping +between each verse to cast languishing glances at him, and he bearing it +all with that haggard, imbecile look peculiar to an over-courted man. +And as their wedding-day approaches is it any wonder that poor ARCHIBALD +looks forward to it as a condemned criminal to the scaffold, and watches +day by day the setting of the sun with the same air of grim despair. +Once he tried to run away, but BELINDA, in ambush, flanked him and led +him home. Then she sent for his trunk, and made him board there. And so +he is floating along in a hopeless sort of daze, a wretched victim of +diabolical circumstances. + +JEFFRY MAULBOY is visiting his brother JUDAS, at Terre Haute. He has +signed articles of agreement for the great Prize Fight with SANDY +MCCORMICK, known for his prowess in the Ring as the "nasty masher." The +fight will take place some time during the winter, and JEFFRY will go +into training early in September. And the papers are full of +biographical sketches of the two combatants, together with comments on +their weight, general appearance, and a list of fights heretofore +participated in, with vague speculations as to the number of eyes, +fragments of ears, &c., each one is supposed to possess, preserved in +alcohol as trophies. And when JEFFRY appears in public the masses regard +him with respectful admiration, and _gamins_ applaud. And when he gets +home he finds a brigade of those literary drummers, known as reporters, +sitting on his doorsteps, from beneath whose classic foreheads there +glares a wild and hungry eye, to be pacified only by a satisfactory +interview. The last exploit of the "Champion Nine" sinks into +insignificance beside this great, this momentous event, and the man who +walked a hundred miles in twenty-four hours is nowhere. He realizes the +cruel fact that Fame is fickle, and he makes one desperate effort to +grasp it, by offering determinedly to walk around the world in ninety +days, stopping for his gruel only at Hong Kong. + +(To be concluded.) + + * * * * * + +NUISANCE ABATED. + +G.F.T.--the apostle of Highfalutin, the most egregious nuisance of +modern times--has come to grief. We have the pleasure of announcing that +(for the present at least) we are relieved from our very natural anxiety +lest TRAIN should re-appear on the American _tapis._ It seems that he is +even more intolerable in France than he is in this country. He had only +got as far as Lyons, in the course of his airy progress through the new +Republic, when the authorities concluded that about the most sensible +thing they could do with their guest would be to lock him up. It gives +us pleasure to write that they did so. + +They don't know how great is the favor they have conferred on the world +by this humane act. We shall ever remember the magistrates of Lyons with +feelings of regard, for the judicious energy displayed by them in this +matter. + + * * * * * + +Ehau! France. + +Unhappy France! Well may her children weep over the misfortunes that have +befallen her. But alas! TITTERS cannot cure them. + + * * * * * + +THE OYSTER-SUPPER CRITIC. + + He has a heavy head of hair; + His heavy hands are cleanly kidded; + He twists a heavy dark moustache, + And even his eyes are heavy-lidded. + He babbles in a heavy style, + And heavily grows analytic, + This literary heavy-weight, + This heavy oyster-supper critic. + + He chatters about love of "art," + This actor's "method," that one's "school," + And pits the stock against the star, + With Contrast as his favorite rule. + He freights the columns of the press + With praise and blame alike mephitic, + And names the burden a _critique_-- + And that's the oyster-supper critic. + + To-day he dines with _opera-bouffe_, + To-morrow breakfasts with burlesque, + And tights and tinsel, face to face, + Encounters, pink and picturesque. + Nor frown, if, in next week's review, + His gropings after the artistic + Should crop out into verse, and take + The form of some SWINBURNIAN distich. + + At night he flits from box to box + Or stands and gossips in the lobby, + With jest and gesture fast and free, + And _tout-ensemble_ neat and nobby. + And whilst he eyes the _debutante_, + And first resolves to praise, then damn her, + New York no other critic boasts + So good at heart, so bad at grammar. + + But should some fair friend grace the stage, + Of praise he is not too abstemious, + But shares, alas! in all the faults + That genius has--without the genius! + His prejudices (like those words + That LINDLEY MURRAY terms "enelitic") + Cling close, and grow a part of him. + To form the oyster-supper critic. + + The manager's his bosom-friend; + The agents love him like a brother. + His golden rule's to treat himself + As he'd be treated by another. + Though, in a business way, he sells + Impartial puffs for filthy lucre, + There's not, at the dramatic cards, + A rival whom, he cannot euchre. + + He makes translations from the French, + Of "interest contemporaneous," + And ekes a modest salary out + By bribes and bonuses extraneous. + He loves to "buzz" some British _blonde_ + Who from a prince received her "breedin'" + And ever since has lived like EVE, + Unclothed (but _not_ ashamed) in Eden. + + Widows and orphanesses fair, + Upon the stage, are all his go. + But, _off_, the widow he likes most + Is mentioned as the _Veuve_ CLICQUOT. + Like VATHEK lost in ERLIS' hall, + Upborne on shoulder-blades Afritic, + He bears, within, a perjured heart, + This sensual oyster-supper critic. + +SPIFFKINS. + + * * * * * + +Two Men + +JULES FAVRE is said to possess fair administrative abilities, but +GAMBETTA-- + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REDUCED TO EXTREMITIES. + +IT IS WHISPERED BY JENKINS THAT A "PASSING BELLE" OF MADISON AVENUE HAS +RESORTED TO A NOVEL EUROPEAN FASHION BY EXHIBITING A CAST OF HER--WELL, +"INFERIOR ANATOMY," AS A DRAWING-ROOM ORNAMENT.] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Harrowing effects of the uncertainty of war news--Shocking waste of +literary ammunition--A bill against the Provisional Government for +damages. + +TOURS, TENTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +It was late in the afternoon when the intelligence arrived of a decisive +victory for the army of General PALADINES, who had been manoeuvring for +nearly a fortnight to draw the Germans into a sort of _cul-de-sac_ +formed by the extension of the French lines from Le Mans to Nogent and +Etamps. + +It came from such an authentic source, and had about it such appearances +of probability, that I immediately retired to the silence of my chamber +for the purpose of preparing a graphic review of the French situation, a +review in fact for which I had long sought some such opportunity. I had +made considerable progress with my paper, and was about to enter upon +that branch of the subject devoted to discussing the bearings of such a +victory upon the future prospects of France, when a tap at my door was +heard, and the red head of my landlady's first-born appeared. + +"Monsieur is wanted down stairs," said the boy, with an alarmed look. I +hurried down and out into the street, only to be met by a messenger from +the Hotel de Ville, with the information that later despatches +contradicted the victory. The shock to my feelings can only be +appreciated by a writer who feels that he has consumed thirty or forty +pages of foolscap in vain. I had been over two hours at that work. I had +put all the brains I possessed in it. Many of the sentences so pleased +me that I had turned back with pardonable conceit to read them over and +admire them: but now, like a destroying angel, came the news that shook +from beneath my beautiful superstructure its very foundations, and left +me nothing but the humiliation of so much time and labor lost. + +I went back to my room, and cast myself on the bed in deep affliction. +If I had been a single man I believe I could have hanged myself without +a pang. Sheer mortification soon lulled me to sleep, however, and when a +second banging at my door awakened me it was nightfall, and there were +sounds of rapid movement and confusion outside. I put my head out of the +window and heard a voice below, shouting: + +"The Germans are coming!" + +"S'death!" said I to myself, "what am I going to do?" My last stitch of +clothing, save what I had on my back, was in the hands of the +_blanchisseuse_, and PIERRE of the carrot "top" had possession of my +only pair of trousers for the purpose of cleaning them the following +morning. It would not have been a pleasant paragraph for me to read in +the newspapers that a correspondent bearing my name had been captured +_in puris naturalibus_. It would never do for an American to be taken +_sans culottes_, and then have the story of his surprise reviewed by +English and Yankee critics. + +I don't know what I might have done in my distress; but kind fortune +favored me, for the landlady, anticipating the probability of my being +disturbed by the commotion, knocked at the door to say that it was a +false alarm, and that the Germans, though victorious, had halted ten or +twelve miles from the city. Promptly, therefore, I dashed into the midst +of another review of the French situation, predicated upon the late +French defeat. It was what I might call a perfect "stinger." It used +France up completely. The _grande nation_ wasn't left a peg to stand on; +and as for King WILLIAM, I proved him to be a butcher of the most +surpassing kind. In the short space of two hours I had covered +forty-three pages more of foolscap, and was about entering on my +forty-fourth, when there came a banging at my door for the third time, +and a despatch was handed me announcing that there _had been no battle +at all!_ + +From early childhood I had been taught that "whom the Lord loveth he +chasteneth," and, although the present circumstances clearly left me no +escape from the conviction that I must be an especial favorite of +Heaven, they could not prevent me from compensating my pent-up agony of +soul by literally eating seven and a half pages of my last "review." I +never knew before what "living on literary diet" meant, but I am wiser +now, and do not regret the "dread ordeal" by which I came to know all I +do know. Revenge occurred to me as the natural impulse of a man in such +a situation; but upon whom was I to be revenged? The government had +given currency to all these wild rumors; but it had too many heads for +me to punch. The job was bigger than I cared to undertake. The thought +occurred to me that I might present a bill of damages. Their sense of +justice would allow its fairness. I had been the dupe of false +intelligence, the victim of a series of frauds perpetrated to "regulate" +the popular feeling. I did not debate the thought, but took my +resolution immediately, and drew up the following. + +LA NOTE. + + + Provisional Government of France. + To DICK TINTO, Correspondent, &c., Dr. + Francs. + + To thirty-seven pages foolscap paper, consumed in writing + Review of French situation, &c., upon basis of reported + French victory near Orleans . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.17 + + To Forty-three pages foolscap paper, consumed in writing + Review of French situation, &c., upon basis of reported + German victory near Orleans . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.95 + + To astonishment and grief occasioned by report that there had + been no battle at all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150.00 + + To landlady's boy with red head, by name PIERRE, for carrying + messages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.10 + + To general wear and tear of nervous system, consequent upon + agitation resulting from uncertainty as to what to believe . 500.00 + ______ + + Grand total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 656.22 + + +I could not conceal from myself that the bill for damages was altogether +too small; but as France is poor, and the demands upon her exchequer are +great, I determined to send it just as it was, and wait in patience for +the result. I did so, and have been waiting ever since. The recollection +of what the Judge told JOHN BUNYAN when he sent him to jail keeps me up: +"Patient waiting, JOHN," observed the philosophic magistrate, "is no +loss." I try to fancy that I combine the patience of BUNYAN with the +philosophy of the Judge, and in that belief subscribe myself, +Bill-iously yours, + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT A MASTER. + +IN FOUR EASY LESSONS. + +Despond not, ye bachelors--anybody can get married. It's as easy as +rolling off from the roof of a six-story house, and quite as beneficial +to the system. I have known people who did this little business without +intending to accomplish it, but they never crowed over it; and I have +known others who have intentionally done it three or four times. But +everybody cannot do this work as it should be done. It's all very well +for you to have an elegant creature of your own, dressed in a white robe +and a blue ribbon; but, if you did not win her in the proper manner, you +feel degraded every time you gaze on her. Style is everything in this +business. For the benefit of the rising generation I have written this +little treatise, which will elucidate all the mysteries of the marriage +business, and will make every man his own guide to wedded bliss. + +CHAPTER I. + +FINDING THE GAME. + +The true sportsman in this field is very wary. He casts his optics +around him until he finds the bird for which he thinks he had better go. +A vast amount of skill can properly be expended here. If the hunter is +young and rich, he can go for almost anything; if he is verging towards +gray hair and false teeth, he must not demand too much in the way of +beauty or money. If he has reached the well-preserved period, he can +have youth or beauty, but not wealth. No true sportsman ever goes for +brains, because it is almost impossible to find them, and, when found, +they are very unsatisfactory. + +If the bird is an orphan, examine the books in the Surrogate's office +until you find her father's will; if her papa is still alive and +kicking, persuade her to take his bank-book into the back kitchen and +there count the shekels. Never let your heart get into the mess, for +that complicates matters. + +If you have a hankering for widows, never run after one who has been in +the business more than once. They become so knowing after two or three +trials. Besides, there is a fatality about some women--they're bound to +be widows. Furthermore, widows have a way of appearing to be loaded down +with ducats, when, in reality, they are pawning the late defunct's +unmentionables for the means of existence. + +Always select young game, if possible, as it is more likely to be tender +than that which has been condemned to the wall at numberless parties. +Game with freckles, or pimples, or cross eyes, can never be first-class. + +CHAPTER II. + +AMMUNITION. + +Too much care cannot be exercised in the selection of this article. You +must take care that it is adapted to the game. If the bird be an +unbleached _blonde_, try first-class prayer-meetings, mild decoctions of +Sunday-school exhibitions, parlor concerts, and readings. If it wear +spectacles, some light, airy, and poetical reading matter, like BUTLER'S +_Analogy_, or the _Tribune_, is useful. If the bird be a _brunette_, try +theatres, balls, operas, etc.; suppers at DEL.'S have been known to do +execution among this class. Never try lectures to young women with this +kind of bird. The bleached _blondes_ are difficult to handle. If you +suspect the bleaching, try a judicious mixture of both kinds of +ammunition. + +Some kinds of ammunition are adapted to all classes. Rings, especially +diamonds, fans, bouquets, and jewels can be used in quantities only +limited by the amount of your bank account, or of your employer's petty +cash. I have seen a bracelet do the business at once, though, to be +sure, it was a very gorgeous one. Serenades may be used to advantage, +but care must be taken in selecting the songs and the windows. To a +_blonde_ you may very well sing, "Thy eyes so blue, of violet hue;" to a +_brunette_, "Black-eyed Mary" or Susan; to a bleached _blonde_, "I am +dying, Egypt, dying." Never sing vulgar songs, which are used by hungry +lovers of cooks, such as, "Wilt thou meat me to-night by the old garden +gate," or, "Meat me by moonlight alone." + +CHAPTER III. + +BRINGING DOWN THE GAME. + +Nowhere is more real skill required than here; If you do not make a dead +shot, you might better have saved your ammunition. Almost every wounded +bird escapes. Always make sure of your aim, and, when you fire, bring +down the bird. The proper course to pursue is this: carefully use your +ammunition, and, when you think things are favorable, and you get a good +sight, make your shot. You can always deliver it best on your knees. Be +careful that there is no little sister or brother around when you go in +for business, for snickering is catching, and the bird may fly before +you have delivered your shot. + +Some shady nook is the proper place in which to do this part of the +business, unless the weather be cold; in that case I have known game to +be brought down by a sportsman in the hall, where the house was heated +by hot air. Parent birds sometimes interrupt the sportsman just as he +imagines that he has a sure thing, which certainly is very aggravating. +Game properly brought down drops upon your left shoulder, and you +judiciously apply your lips to its bill. After that a proper amount of +hugging is advantageous and nice, but be very careful not to keep the +parent birds up too late. + +CHAPTER IV. + +BAGGING THE GAME. + +This should always be done in the very best style. First-class churches, +and two or three parsons, can generally bag you and the bird properly. +Notice of the bagging should always be given to your friends, and the +bag should be large enough to hold not only the bird, but also any +first-class houses, greenbacks, or silver-ware which may be furnished by +the friends of the bird. They say that BROWN, of Grace Church, +understands all the details of this kind of bagging. The game should be +elegantly dressed for the occasion, at the expense of the parent birds, +of course. You must take care that the bag is so tied that the bird +cannot escape, though they do say that, if you go to the neighborhood of +Chicago, the bird will escape, even if the bag is fastened in the most +careful manner. I advise you, therefore, not to emigrate in that +direction. + +By the aid of the foregoing lessons any man should be enabled to catch a +bird which, in the course of a month, he will wish he had left alone. + + * * * * * + +Military Interference. + +The Republicans insist that General GRANT did not intend to interfere +with the last New York election. They had better "tell that to the +Marines." + + * * * * * + +"The Absorption of Germany." + +To realize the meaning of the above phrase, which one hears so often +now, one need only explore the Bowery of an evening. He will observe +that the absorption of Germany is immense. + + * * * * * + +Sporting Intelligence. + +The great Shakespearian artist, Mr. JAMES MACE, plays two pieces in one +evening; he plays "As You Like It," and also _plays_ Cast. + + * * * * * + +Not to be Wondered at. + +OLIVER DYER, the prototype of "the wickedest man in New York," is +getting anxious about "How to get to Heaven." + + * * * * * + +Remarkable Feat. + +The authorities of Lyons have succeeded in doing with GEORGE FRANCIS +TRAIN that which people in this country have tried in vain. They have +shut him up. + + * * * * * + +A Sure Sign of the Holidays. + +When the voice of the turkey is heard in the land. + + * * * * * + +The Grant Tartan. + +A thousand-dollar check. + + * * * * * + +THE WINTER FASHIONS. + +Owing to the war in France, which has deprived this country of the usual +Paris fashions, it has been feared that no clothes would be worn by the +fashionable world this winter; but, fortunately, Mr. PUNCHINELLO is +enabled to announce that such will not be the case. Garments of various +kinds will be in vogue, and the following descriptions of some of them +may prove useful and interesting to the _beau monde:_-- + +Gentlemen will wear business coats with sleeves. The will open and +button in front. Coats buttoning behind now meet with no favor from the +strictly fashionable classes. Coats for evening and dress occasions, +however, will open behind as well as in front, but the will not open all +the way up the back, unless in case of accident. + +Pantaloons will be worn on the legs, as last season, and they will reach +below the knee. + +Vests will be worn under the coat this winter, and will have pockets. +One of these is to be appropriated to the watch, and the practice of +carrying it in the coat-tail pocket will be entirely abandoned, as it is +now considered neither convenient nor stylish. + +Collars will be worn around the neck, as last season, and cravats will +tie in front. The "Greeley" style is, however, an exception to this +rule. It is considered the correct thing, among gentlemen of position in +the fashionable world, to wear a cotton or linen shirt under their +ordinary suits. Only a small portion of this garment must be exposed,--a +part of the bosom, for instance. Handkerchiefs should be hemmed. +Stockings are to be worn, this year, under the boots, and although a +different arrangement may be allowed to old gentlemen, in icy and +sleety weather, it is not considered proper to wear woollen or other +stockings over the boots at evening parties or other social reunions. +Black is the favorite color for boots, and the most _recherché_ and +convenient style is that in which small loops are placed at the top of +the boot-leg, one on each side, so that they may be drawn on after +having been taken off; thus avoiding the necessity of wearing them at +all times. Any one who dislikes sleeping in boots will appreciate this +arrangement. Gloves will be made with separate compartments for the +fingers, and few persons now wear the old-fashioned mitten at the opera. +The best fastenings for gentlemen's clothing will be found to be +buttons. No gentleman, having tried these, will be any longer content +with hooks and eyes. + +In regard to the fashion for ladies, Mr. PUNCHINELLO cannot now enter +into details, but he will give a slight description of a few novelties. +Frocks, or, as they are now called, dresses, will be worn this winter. +Those with skirts are considered much the most stylish. Corsets still +maintain a firm hold upon the female portion of the community, and +hoop-skirts will not be worn outside of the clothing this winter, but +will be tastefully concealed. + +Ultra fashionable ladies will wear shoes and stockings this season, not +only in the street, but in the house, and Mr. PUNCHINELLO is glad to see +the favor accorded to so sensible a fashion. Children will dress very +much as the means of their parents allow, but as a rule, their clothes +will be cut smaller that those of the adult members of the family. + + * * * * * + +Britannia Rules the Waves. + +FROM the fate of the _Captain_ and the recent report concerning the +_Monarch,_ Mr. PUNCHINELLO would suggest to his friend Miss BRITANNIA, +that if she desires to retain her naval supremacy, the best thing she +can do is to provide all her rivals with iron-clads of this first-class +kind, gratis, so as to induce them to accept them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Waiter._ "DID YOU SAY A PLAIN STEW, SIR?" + +_Gruff Customer._ "OF COURSE I SAID A PLAIN STEW, YOU AGGRAVATING +BABOON--SO PLAIN THAT I CAN SEE IT!"] + + * * * * * + +WAR DESPATCHES MADE EASY + +BERLIN, December 12.--A despatch from King WILLIAM to Queen AUGUSTA has +reached this city by telegraph. + +[The King WILLIAM above mentioned is a native of Prussia, in which +country he is frequently spoken of as König WILHELM. Queen AUGUSTA is +his wife. They have been married several years. Some children, one of +whom is popularly known as OUR FRITZ, are the fruit of their union. The +King has been absent from home a few months, and his wife must have been +much pleased to get a despatch from him.] + +TOURS, December 12.--Prussian troops, fully armed and equipped, have +lately been observed by some of the French outposts. + +[Prussian troops have been in France since the early part of August. +They entered by force, and have refused to leave, though several times +requested to do so. Their presence is not desired by the inhabitants, +who are chiefly hostile to them: several attempts to eject them have +failed. They wear clothing, and some have whiskers, and they carry a +weapon called Zündnadelgewehr. The time of their return to their own +country has not yet been definitely agreed upon.] + +LONDON, December 13.--Balloon despatches from Paris have been received +at Tours. They contain information in regard to affairs within the +beleaguered city. + +[Paris is a city of several hundred thousand inhabitants. It is located +on the Seine, which is the name of a river that divides it. It is also +divided by some other things, principally political feeling. Paris is +well known by travellers. It has been in its present location more than +a thousand years, and will probably remain some time longer. Although it +has frequently been moved by great events, it is as stationary as any +other city in the world. It is at present surrounded by a Prussian +army.] + +BRUSSELS, December 13.--Some carrier-pigeons have arrived here from the +French capital, bearing important despatches. + +[The carrier-pigeon is a bird. It should not be confounded with the +elephant or hippopotamus, and only the most ignorant persons would +suppose any connection between them. It flies through the air, as birds +generally do, and though not lazy it lays. The eggs of this bird are +valuable. When properly hatched they produce young pigeons, which often +grow up and go into the express business like their parents. The +carrier-pigeon is not a modern invention, but was made simultaneously +with other ornithological curiosities.] + +TOURS, December 14.--GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN has been arrested by the +Government and committed to prison as a nuisance. + +[GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN is a native of Boston, U.S. He is one of the most +celebrated men living. He celebrates himself everywhere he goes, and he +goes to a great many places. He has an inspired confidence that in the +course of a few years all the people of his native country will become +idiots, and that they will then make him their ruler. The _civis +Americanus sum_ of his existence is talk about GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN. The +American Government does not at present propose to declare war against +France for arresting him, but perhaps he will do so himself.] + +VIENNA, December 14.--Diplomatic circles are more confident, and it is +believed the Black Sea question will be settled. + +[The Black Sea is in Europe. It is bounded all round and contains an +immense quantity of water, which, being black, is useful for writing. +The trouble about the Black Sea is owing altogether to its location, and +could be removed forever by filling up the place and laying it out in +building-lots. If it were in New Jersey this would be done, but the +effete despotisms and bloated aristocracies of the Old World haven't +enough enterprise to try it.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOM'S CHRISTMAS JOKE. + +_Master Tom_. "O, GRAN'MA, GRAN'MA! THE PONY HAS GOT A FIT!--RUN TO THE +WINDOW AND LOOK!" + +AND THE OLD LADY RUSHED TO THE WINDOW, BUT THE ONLY "FIT" +THE PONY HAD WAS THE NEW SIDE-SADDLE SENT AT CHRISTMAS BY UNCLE TOM, +WHO, NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT PONIES, FANCIED THAT THIS ONE MUST HAVE +GROWN TO A HORSE SINCE HE PRESENTED IT LAST YEAR.] + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO XV. + + Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketfull of rye, + Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. + When the pie was opened the birds began to sing; + Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king? + +The poet had now reached that stage of parental experience where he +realized to its fullest extent, what many another poor mortal has +learned to his sorrow, that a baby in the house is the greatest tyrant +ever invented. A baby may be a well-spring of joy, a gleam of bright +sunshine, an angel from Heaven, a compound of unalloyed blissfulness, or +a mixture of "snaps and snails and puppy dogs' tails;" but it is +nevertheless the tyrant of the household, the king of the family, the +royal personage to whom all must bow, and to whom everything must yield. +What father or mother is there who dares set his or her will up in +opposition to the baby. If baby wants papa's spectacles, it must have +them, no matter if papa is reading. If it wants mamma's thimble, it has +it. If baby wants to go to sleep, the whole family must move on tip-toe, +and not speak above a whisper. If baby gets the croup at night, the +whole family must be aroused, papa must run two miles to the doctor's, +grandmother must be routed from her warm bed and brought post-haste to +help take care of it, everybody from the cook upwards must stir about +lively and be on the watch ready any moment to offer their devotional +incense at the shrine of this potent baby monarch, the wee ruler who's +slightest wish has greater weight than the king's command. + +It is owing to this peculiarity of our humanity which always has been +and always will be, that the world has received the remarkable lines +placed at the heading of this article. Since the Poet's time there have +been attempts by other aspirants to immortality to continue the story so +well begun, and add a lengthy jingle to the already completed verse, +conceiving in their futile minds the idea that it was an unfinished +structure upon which they could build for themselves a temple of fame; +but all such dastardly attempts met with the success they deserved, and +that was speedy oblivion; and we contend and will maintain to the bitter +end, that these lines are the only right and true lines written on the +subject by our immortal Poet, and that the others which are falsely +circulated as part and parcel of the original, are spurious, emanating, +it is said, from a half-insane idiot who hung himself immediately after +finishing them. + +The inspiration to the above lines came about in a very natural way. The +Poet was poor. That is, speaking after the manner of later days, he was +occasionally hard-up. His occasions were very lengthy ones and the +interregnum a period remarkably brief. It had become a sort of chronic +state with him, and although he occasionally wrote a bit of verse by +request, his modesty would not allow him to charge more than a sixpence +or thereabouts for any article, and the consequence was that he +understood to the fullest extent the meaning of the term hard times. Now +it is a well-known fact that families, especially where there are wives +and babies, do not take kindly to poverty and its concomitants, but +emphatically insist upon having something to eat, drink, and wear. + +Time has proved that even the weakest are wise in their own way, and are +given knowledge for self-protection; and woman, although she may not +command success by main strength, nor by force of will, has learned that +when other resources fail she has only to stoop to conquer: that her +weakness is her strength, her tears her weapons, and her baby her +shield. So when the Poet's politic little wife found there was no money +forthcoming, and consequently no dinner, she advised him to go hunting +for birds, as it was very necessary for growing children to have the +little bones to pick; not that she cared for a pie made from birds +herself, but it was really necessary for the child just at this age. + +Off sets the duped husband in a spirit of self-sacrifice, determined +that no negligence of his shall prevent his child from growing properly; +and if birds are necessary to the process, then birds it shall be. A +weary day is spent tramping among the woods and bushes, and towards +night, with two dozen of the feathered creatures in his bag, he turns +his footsteps homeward. He is rewarded by a smile and a word of praise +for his unusual good luck, and with a pat on the shoulder and a promise +of a splendid dinner in an hour or two, he is set to work to pluck the +birds. + +Time passes on, the savory smell of the cooking birds occasionally +saluting his nostrils and making his mouth water with anticipation, when +at last comes the joyful summons, and all seat themselves around the +table and engage with unbounded admiration in this wonderful issue of +the day's labor. + +The little lever which has moved the mighty events to this result sits +in his high chair, a spoon in one hand, a fork in the other, and beats a +grand tattoo ornamented with numerous little shrill sounds of baby joy, +in honor of the glorious sight, the like of which his eyes have never +seen before. Father and mother gaze enraptured upon the joyful sight of +the crowing youngster, exchange intelligent and admiring glances at his +precocity, and inwardly congratulate themselves upon possessing such a +wonderful improvement on babies in general. + +But the Poet himself, with his sensitive nature--who can fathom the +profound depths of his soul now stirred by two such entrancing sights as +the high-smoking blackbird-pie won by his own prowess, and the little +monarch for whose sake all this was brought about? The delicious smell +excites him like draughts of rich old wine, and all the soul within him +bubbles up exultingly, and he improvises on the moment. Joyfully he +sings in melodious tones, his nerves trembling with ecstasy, and his +blood bubbling through his veins like sparkling champagne:-- + + Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye, + Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. + When the pie was opened the birds began to sing; + Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king? + +One adoring glance at the rosy little king, who sits with open mouth and +spoon poised in air, staring in amazement at such unusual hilarity; one +comprehensive glance at his wife, and the keen knife and fork pierce to +the depth of the dainty dish, and the delicate blackbirds come forth; +but they do not sing. That was poetic license. Perhaps, on the whole, it +was just as well that they did not sing, for it would only have delayed +the dinner, and hungry folks are rather practical, and would much prefer +testing the birds for themselves to hearing from them. + +The event of the day is over. Quiet has settled upon the earth and upon +the Poet's household. He leans back in his chair in peaceful revery, and +muses upon the scenes of the day. Slowly, like distant music, come back +to his mind the diamonds of thought that dropped from his lips under the +unwonted excitement, and as he strings them together he jots them down +in his memorandum for future service. + + * * * * * + +[ILLUSTRATION: The Tempter and the Tempted + +_Mephistopheles Butler._ "MR. PRESIDENT, PUT IN ABOUT ST. DOMINGO, +STRONG."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN PITTSBURGH. + +Owing to the smokey condition of the city, the "Lait Gustise" looses his +identity. + +I have just got back from a pertracted jirney, of a weeks durashun, from +the state of Pensilvania. + +While pursooin my tower I hove up in Pittsburg, which city is serrounded +by a lot of iron furnases, whose smoky chimleys is enuff to smoke a dog +out of a tan yard. Chicken raisin dont ammount to shucks there. + +When they have a spell of cloudy wether, fowls keep rite on roostin, and +don't leave their perches ontil they tumble off, starved to deth. + +This is because darkness rains, unless the sun shines. + +Pittsburg is an ecommikle place for nigger minstrel shows. + +15 minnits walk in the open air bare-hedded, will put a black head onto +'em, which will pars muster before a select committy of Freedman burows, +or pull the wool over the eyes of such Filantropistors as WENDILL +FILLIPS. Bildins are never painted in fancy cullers down there. + +When a man wants to look slick, he takes an old blackin brush and rubs +his domisil over with stove blackin, then goes over it with an old +broom, puttin a polish onto a bildin, which makes it shine like a bran +new cookstove. It is no onusual thing for the citezins of Pittsburg to +carry along with them a basin of water, sope, towels, &c.; and when a +person stops to shake hands with 'em, wash their faces, so as to be sure +they haint associatin with a reglar descendant of HAM. + +This way is confined to the upper tendoms; but it is a singler fact that +it is neccessary to remove the _upper crust,_ so as to oncover the +superior man. + +Never havin heerd anything about the smokey condition of Pittsburgh, I +was the victim of an adventoor which come mitey nigh puttin a quietuss, +for a permanent period, onto my terrestial egistance. Ide just arroven +into the city, from the northern part of the State. Thinkin Ide like to +look the city over a bit, I sholdered my bloo cotton umbreller and +carpet bag, and started on a tower of observashun. + +I walkt along gaeopin rite and left at the bildins, which I could only +distingwish, as I got rite opposite of em. + +Just as I stopped to rest myself a minnit, a man say's to me: "Git out +of the way, Cuffee." + +I turned to impale him with my impenetratin gaze, when he disappeared in +the smoke. + +Gropin my way along I suddenly was run into, by another man. As he +struck me vilently into the stomack, he hollered out: "You black raskil! +how dare you run into a respectable man?" My blood was gettin hot. + +"Me, a black raskel," said I, makin a push to ceaze him by the throte, +"Ile larn you that you can't call them names to me with impunerty, not +by a darn site." + +In the thick smoke which surronded me, I grabbed for Mister man, when to +my horror! my hand came in contact with a lot of curly hair, and by the +shriek which greeted my ear, I was conshus that I had made a misgo, and +was clutchin a womans water-fall. + +Turnin full onto me (and Ketchin my cote sleeve), she says, "Oh! you +black villian, how dare you insult a lady?" Tearin myself from her +grasp, I rushed madly on. I could feel pedestrians glide by me. + +There I was in a strange land. From all sides it was, +smoke--smoke--smoke, darkness--darkness--darkness. Ide read about the +Egipshun darkness, but Pittsburgh is ahead of that, for while I couldent +see in Pittsburgh, the blamed smoke was suffocatin me, and makin the +teers run down my cheeks, like the prodigal son, when he was mournin for +the deth of a rich unkle, who'd left him some cash, I made up my mind, +that I would try and enter a bildin somewhere, and implore the ade of a +pilot. + +Hearin voices, I made a bee line from whence issood the voise. After +tumblin over severil dry goods boxes, I went head first throo a big +glass winder, and landed my voluptous form at the feet of the cerprised +groceryman, who was engaged in the lofty pursoot of measurin out a peck +of onions. "See here! my cullered friend," says he, takin me by the cote +collar, and marchin me up to view the ruin, which I had made. "Yoove +smashed a ten doller pane of glass. Come, shell out the damage, or ile +call a policeman." I tride to remonstrate with him agin his callin me a +cullered man, at which he agin insisted on my payin for broken glass, +&c. To avoid further discussion, I planked down the required ammount, +and flew into the street, with my mind vergin onto madness. + +Why, oh! why? was I addressed as a "blackraskil," "scoundrel," &c.? was +the thoughts which was ruunin' throo my mind. + +Bringin my hands to my eyes, a terrible suspishon flashed across my +brain, as I diskivered to my horror, that my usually lilly white hands +had turned black. + +I couldent stand such feelins as I was in, for a great while. + +Feelin along the side of numerous houses, I found my way into another +store. + +"Mister STOREKEEPER, who am I?--and what am I?" said I, wildly +interogatin a individual, who was standin by a big pile of caliker. + +"I should say you was a descendant of HAM, and a pooty well died one +too," says he laffin. + +"Me black? impossible sir!" was my reply. + +He ceazed me by the hand and led me to a lookin glass. + +Yes, the terrible truth stared me in the face. + +I begun to realize my situation. It suddenly occurred to me, that in the +confusion of changin cars that mornin, that, likely as not, I'de got +swapped off with some cullered preacher. + +With my feelins workt up to a traggick pitch, and madly cussin the day +that I left Skeensboro, I staggered into the street. + +For a few minnits, I assumed the air and garbage of a loonytick. + +I ran vilently again numerous individuals, and as the concussion +generally piled me into the gutter, I quickly sprung to my feet, and +waved my umbreller wildly into the air. + +I was suddenly grabbed by the cote coller and moked into a large bildin, +which I afterwards diskivered to be the Monongaheeler House. I found +myself confrontin a perliceman. Says I, strikin a tragick attitood, "Am +I GREEN, or am I not GREEN? If I haint GREEN, who in SAM HILL am I?" + +"Old man," said the porliceman, tryin to quiet me, "you mite have been +_green_ before you struck Pittsburg, but if I haint mistaken, yoo've +been out and got smoked up, and are now as _black_ as the ase of +spades." + +"Oh! hor-ri-ble, hor-ri-ble!" I hissed, and rushed into the washroom. + +After soakin my head in a wash-basin for a few minnits, reezin agin +returned, and I diskivered, to my disgust, that I had been sold by the +consarned smoke a settin down onto me. Well, Mister PUNCHINELLO, it was +a narrer escape for the old man, you bet. I wasent long in gettin washed +up; and if ever a lone traveller was tickled to set foot onto a rale +rode car homeward bound, it was your hily intelectual and venerable +quill jerkist. + +I told Mrs. GREEN of my adventoor. It emejetly sot her into one of her +cranky tantrums. Says she, "HIRAM, you've an old fool. Why don't you +stay home, where you belong, and not go pokin about the country like a +great big booby?" + +"But, my dear," was my reply, "GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN got up his name by +gittin into musses, and wastin and pinin away into furrin pastiles." + +"GEORGE FRANCIS your grandmother," said she. "You and he orter be tide +together and caged. If I only had the keepin of you then, Ide nock the +foolishness out of your nozzles, or break your pesky old topknots in the +atemt." + +Between us, Mister PUNCHINELLO, MARIAR would do that ere thing to the +letter, if she had a chance. + +Ewers, white as the druv snow, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +Lait Gustise of the Pees. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TERMS OF SURRENDER. + +_Madge (to her elder sister, who has just rung the hall-door bell)._ +"FLORA, YOUR BEAU'S HERE." + +_Flora._ "LET ME IN IMMEDIATELY, YOU NAUGHTY GIRL." + +_Madge._ "I WILL IF YOU'LL PROMISE TO GIVE ME YOUR BON-BON BOX AND CORAL +PIN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIGH REVEL IN THE WHITE HOUSE.] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA. + +PART IV. + +THE GOLDEN GATE. + +An animated and picturesque view, fresh from the hand of genius. + +The mellow sunshine, the birds fluttering in the air, the ships dashing +through the briny deep, the foliage upon the hills in the dim distance, +the glittering steeples of the great city of El Dorado,--and one of +GEORGE LAW'S old man-traps in the foreground, with a high-pressure +boiler (you see there is an excursion party on board, with a band of +music), and an open bay,--all combine to lend to this wonderful triumph +of art an airy and exhilarating tone, indescribably delicious. + +This is the Golden Gate which guards the harbor of San Francisco. It is +open and shut by means of an earthquake. This water, extending in every +direction, is the well-known Pacific Ocean. They have called this the +_Golden_ Gate, because somewhere in this vicinity the precious metal +was discovered, accidentally, as it were. + +Observe the skill--with which our artist has distinguished land from +water; trees from ships; clouds from church spires; human beings from +Chinamen. In so doing, he has distinguished himself also. + +In view of these sloops on the extreme left, may we not say that this is +a mast apiece? + +This exquisite gem was completed about the same time as the Pacific +Railroad, and yet how different. Here the eye of the beholder lingers +fondly upon the scene, drinking in at every point new and inspiring +beauties. I presume that the traveller upon the Union Pacific may drink +at every point if he wants to, but he can't linger. Their time-table +doesn't allow it. + +I forgot to mention that in the background can be detected glimpses of +the great State of California. + + +BOTANY BAY. + +What emotions arise in the breast as you approach this remarkable spot! +Tour mind naturally reverts to your English ancestry, to those early +settlers, the noble forefathers of this colony, who forsook their old +homes and braved the perils of the deep till they reached these distant +shores. They came not from a feverish thirst for gold, nor with +ambitious visions of a new and powerful empire. They came rather from a +_conviction_, that here was where they were wanted. + +This crowded canvas gives you some faint idea of what has been the +result of that generous, patriotic pilgrimage. + +This is Felon's Avenue. + +Burglar's Hall,--a fine public building,--Headman's Block, The College +of Forgery, Counterfeiter's Exchange, The Cracksman's Crib, (a new and +elegant hotel), Mutiny Row, and many other prominent buildings are to be +seen. + +Such are the natural beauties of the place that persons who come here +feel compelled to stay a good while. (The melodeon will evolve "Home, +sweet home.") + + +THE NATURAL BRIDGE OF VIRGINIA. + +Next to Mount Vernon, the Libby Prison at Richmond, and John Brown's +Engine House at Harper's Ferry, this is to the stranger the most +interesting piece of scenery in the Old Dominion. So firm and +substantial is the masonry that it is supposed to have been standing +long before the English settlement of the country. Some learned writers +think that those stately abutments are too massive for the red man of +the forest to have constructed. Besides, what did he know about +engineering? I'm sure I can't say how this is; but I had always supposed +that there never was a camp of these savages without an Indian near. + +At all events the effect is very natural, and it only needs a toll-house +to render it completely so. + +This dizzy elevation has been scaled by daring adventurers who cut their +names in the soft, yielding rock; not so many, it is true, of late +years. They have rather fallen off. + +There is food for contemplation in this beautiful object; also in the +hotel which you perceive not far off. + + +NIGHT ON THE PRAIRIE. + +This represents a very dark night, with no moon, exceedingly cloudy, and +all the fires out. You will be struck with the interesting fact that a +night on the prairie, under such circumstances, looks very much like a +similar night elsewhere. + + +SUNRISE, ON THE PRAIRIE. + +People who have never seen the sun rise on the prairie, or anywhere +else, say that this is exactly like it. + +These two vivid representations of our Western domain are the efforts of +two boys, both of them brothers. One panted for fame. So did the other. +That made a pair of pants. + +Both miners, they mixed a good deal with rough people, in fact from the +cradle up. They mixed paints well. They did this job in gangs of one +each. + +One of these boys has grown up and dyed. His bones are bleaching on the +plains of Arkansas. He is carrying on an extensive dye-house and +bleachery in the suburbs of Little Rock. + +The other boy, I hardly know whether he has grown up or not. He was a +pattern young man. The last I heard of him he was making patterns for a +large manufacturing establishment at Pittsburgh. + + +BOSTON. + +An exceedingly accurate view of the City of Boston and vicinity. The +vicinity has all been annexed; so it is Boston proper. All Boston is +proper--very proper. + +This view was taken by BLACK, a distinguished artist. Colored men draw +better in Boston. The picture was originally a small one, taken by +photograph, and then "thrown up," as the technical term is. Our artist +threw it up for pecuniary reasons. I have forgotten the man's name who +took it again. I think he said his name was SHERIFF. + +The spectator is supposed to be standing just in front of the +foreground, except where this perspective comes in; then he is perched, +with a smoked glass, in the look-out at the top of the State House. + +Boston Common; the Harbor; the Mall on the Common; Fort Warren; the Old +Elm Tree on the Common; Bunker Hill Monument; Fountain on the Common; +Park Street Church, orthodox--these other docks are at East Boston; +Children of the Public Schools playing on the Common; Faneuil Hall; Frog +Pond on the Common; the Public Garden, etc. + +The Great Organ is played at about this point. Travellers from New York +frequently come upon the Sound when miles away. + +We would like to show one or two of the important men of Boston, but the +artist assured us we hadn't room. + +Boston is high-toned. I believe the taxes here are higher than in any +other city in the country. I would like to say a good deal more about +Boston, but being a Boston man myself, my modesty prevents me. You will +always notice this peculiarity in a Boston man--he seldom mentions +Boston. It is a way we have in Boston. + + * * * * * + +Lunatic + +What man is most looked up to? The Man in the Moon. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +WALTER MONTGOMERY has been playing "HAMLET" and "OTHELLO" at NIBLO'S +GARDEN. So graceful and elegant is he in his stage presence, that I have +been obliged to decline to take MARGARET to see him. There is nothing so +annoying as to escort one's cousin (I think I have mentioned that +MARGARET is my cousin) to the theatre and to hear her express the most +ecstatic admiration of that "perfectly lovely Mr. MONTGOMERY." I have +suffered from this sort of thing once, and don't propose to subject +myself to it a second time. I do not consider myself a jealous man, but +as Mr. GUPPY finely and forcibly remarks, "there _are_ chords in the +human breast." + +Last week, I referred in pointed, not to say Greeleyesque language, to +the REFORMING NUISANCES who insist upon improving everything according +to their own fashion. The NUISANCE, however, has this peculiarity, that +he never wants to change anything that really needs to be reformed. He +will insist upon bullying Mr. TILTON into total abstinence from the +mildest form of claret and water, but he never thinks of urging Mr. +GREELEY to a wholesome moderation in the use of objurgatory epithets. He +is clamorous in his demand that _Rip Van Winkle_ should be transformed +into a temperance lecture, but he is entirely satisfied with the +preposterous manner in which the clever but inartistic SHAKESPEARE has +thought fit to end his two meritorious tragedies, _Hamlet_ and +_Othello_. Now no one at all familiar with either of these two popular +plays can fail to perceive the gross faults of construction which +characterize them both. + +To be sure, if we accept the theory of "HAMLET'S" insanity, we can +account for the preposterous idiocy of his conduct. But from the +greatest to the worst of our interpreters of "HAMLET,"--from BOOTH to +FECHTER,--there is no modern actor who believes in the real insanity of +the melancholy Dane. The fault of his folly, therefore, lies with the +dramatist, and not the actor. + +What does "HAMLET" do when he decides--on the unsworn statement of an +irresponsible GHOST--that his father has been murdered by the GHOST'S +brother? We all know that he devotes himself to the duties of a private +detective; that he drives his sweetheart crazy by using very improper +language to her, and by coolly denying that he had ever had any serious +intentions toward her. Then he gets up the worst specimen of private +theatricals that even a royal drawing-room ever witnessed,--a +performance so hopelessly stupid as to actually make the KING and his +consort seriously ill. Next he insults his mother, and, under the weak +pretext of killing rats, wantonly makes a hole in her best tapestry. And +finally, after having killed the young man who was to have been his +brother-in-law, he stabs his own uncle and calmly watches the dying +agonies of his mother, who has succumbed to an indiscreet indulgence in +adulterated whiskey. His death is the only redeeming incident in his +career,--only he should have died in the first, instead of the fifth +act. + +The real "HAMLET"--if there ever was such a person--would have shown the +traditional thrift and enterprise of his race by a very different course +of conduct. After the interview with the GHOST he would have had a +private audience with the KING, and there would have ensued a scene +somewhat like the following one. Of course he would not have talked in +blank verse. The world has never properly condemned the outrageous cheek +with which SHAKESPEARE has attempted to make us believe that blank verse +was ever the ordinary speech of sensible men. + +HAMLET.--"I have a little business to settle with your majesty." + +KING.--"Well! out with it; I've got an appointment with the German +Ambassador about that Schleswig-Holstein business at 2 o'clock, and can +only spare you ten minutes." + +HAMLET.--"I want to be appointed collector of the port of Copenhagen, +with a salary of ten thousand dollars a month besides the fees. Also, I +want to marry OPHELIA, and to be recognized as the heir apparent to your +throne." + +KING.--"Well! I rather like your cheek. Do you mistake me for an +American President, that you ask me to appoint one of my own relations +to the fattest office in my gift? Why you impertinent young scoundrel!" + +HAMLET.--"Draw it mild, if you please. The reason why I ask these favors +of you is, that if granted they will prevent me from talking in my +sleep." + +KING (_aside_).--"He's got 'em at last. I knew he would, if he kept +company with politicians." (_To Hamlet._) "Are you drunk or crazy? Not +that it is of much consequence, but still I should like to know the +reason of this impudence." + +HAMLET (_in a sepulchral whisper_).--"Uncle! I have seen a reliable +gentleman who saw my late father die. Now don't do anything rash. You +see I know all. Appoint me collector, and I'll agree to think no more +about it. Refuse, and I shall take the course that filial love and duty +prompt." + +KING.--"There is no need of any dispute between relatives on such a +little matter as this appointment. I appreciate your business capacity. +Swear to forget the nonsense you have hinted at, and you shall be +collector. Is it a bargain?" + +HAMLET.--"It is." + +Here the play would naturally end, and the audience would feel that both +"HAMLET" and the "KING" had conducted themselves in a creditable manner. +By such a change as this, _Hamlet_ becomes a rational and enjoyable +play. But will, you ever find a REFORMING NUISANCE who will offer to +improve _Hamlet_? Not a bit of it. There is nothing which your NUISANCE +is more reluctant to do than to engage in any really useful work. + +"OTHELLO" is another idiotic person, who spoils what would otherwise +have been a respectable play, by his stupid jealousy. How much better +would the drama have been had the fifth act proceeded in this wise:-- + +OTHELLO.--"Desdy, my dear, are you in bed?" + +DESDEMONA.--"Yes, and I'm sleepy too, and don't want to be bothered. +There's your night-shirt hanging on the chair." + +OTHELLO.--"IAGO tells me you've been flirting with Lieutenant CASSIO. +Now that won't do. Remember that under the Fifteenth Amendment I have +the right, being a colored man, of doing pretty much as I choose. If +this flirtation isn't stopped promptly I'll go to Indiana, divorce you, +and marry EMILIA. Do you know where the boot-jack is?" + +DESDEMONA.--"I never did flirt with him, and IAGO tells a big story if +he says I did. The boot-jack must have been kicked under the bed. As for +flirting, after the way you have gone on with EMILIA, the less say about +it the better. If you can't find the boot-jack, call the servant and let +him pull your boots off--you'll catch your death if you go poking round +under the bureau and sofa and things much longer." + +OTHELLO.--"Of course it's all right, only don't have too much to say to +him. There's that confounded boot-jack at last. You see, my dear, that +people will talk if you give them the slightest reason. There's a button +off this shirt. Are you all ready for me to put the gas out?" + +With the extinction of the gas, the curtain would naturally fall. And it +would fall upon a pleasant, well-constructed, probable, and eminently +realistic play. As it is, OTHELLO ends with a complicated massacre +worthy of the Bowery Theatre in its bloodiest days. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +"Parlez aux Suisses." + +It seems that Water Valley, Mississippi, is attracting hosts of Swiss +settlers, speaking of whom a contemporary calls them "iron-handed +mountaineers." We were not previously aware that the Swiss are provided +with iron hands, though we have long known that they have _glaciers_. + + * * * * * + +A Warning. + +The man who tried to arrange his hair with an ice pick got it into a +Nice Pickle. + + * * * * * + +Suggested by a "Tight" Fit. + +What county of Scotland is the best to get a foot-hold in? Bute. + + * * * * * + +AN EVEN TEMPERATURE FOR CONGRESS. + +Warmed by WOOD; Cooled by BROOKS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER "SUCCESSFUL FRENCH SORTIE."] + + * * * * * + +THE MARCH OF PROGRESS. + +The nations of Europe appear to suppose that their advance in +civilization is marked by improvement in their rifles rather than in +their school-houses. The possession of the needle-gun by Prussia +stimulated France to invent the Chassepot, and now it appears that +Russia claims to have a new rifle which surpasses them both. If we may +judge from Prussia's actions in this war, this improvement in rifles +leads to improvement in rifling; and though it is difficult to imagine +how Russia could surpass Prussia's proficiency in this art, which in +civil parlance would be called robbing, yet there is no knowing to what +further point of perfection it may be carried. It is only to be hoped +that the industry of Europe, which offers the field for the exercise of +these improvements, will continue to be piously thankful for the noble +position which it is thus made to hold in the march of progress. + + * * * * * + +"Drawn from the Wood." + + "What d'ye want? Why come you here?" + Said the Beetle inside the bark + Unto the crafty Woodpecker + Who rapped on the pine-tree in the park. + + "Never mind what, and never mind why," + Replied the Woodpecker, hammering still, + "The question will be, 'How's this for high?' + When I send in my little bill." + + * * * * * + +Hand and Glove. + +The scarcity of kid gloves, caused by this war, will, no doubt, force +many a fair one to bare a hand during its continuance. Yet the +conservative bigots say that women should not vote unless they are +willing to do their part in the fighting. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO DISTINGUISH A WEALTHY MAN. + +By the CROESUS in his face. + + * * * * * + +Q.E.D. + +Astronomers say that there is no water on the moon's surface. We, on the +contrary, know that there are large oceans there. No one ever heard of +ship captains in a place destitute of water; and, as the moon is made of +green cheese, there must of course be "skippers" there. + + * * * * * + +A Christmas Joke. + +When JENKINS felt in his pocket, after leaving the 37th Regt. Armory the +other night, he exclaimed; "Well, if this is a French fair, I prefer an +American fowl!" + + * * * * * + +Theatrical. + +The "Gods" at our theatres generally evince good taste in selecting +their favorite actresses, and as they usually choose _blondes_, we +cannot believe that "those whom the gods love dye young." + + * * * * * + +Accident. + +AUNT BATHSHEBA fell into the East River last Monday, and she now +declares that the dress she wore on that occasion is watered silk. + + * * * * * + +Query. + +Should an account of the present administration be called Dent'ist'ry? + + * * * * * + +History Repeats Itself. + +PARIS and 'L.N. have again been separated. + + * * * * * + +A-ROUND ROBBIN'.--Nearly all the office-holders in Washington. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT AMERICAN BIRD. The "bird in the hand." + + * * * * * + +"A MOVEMENT ON FOOT," Any chiropodist's. + + * * * * * + +PROTECTION PROTECTED. + +A Western editor has issued a conundrum in a volume with the title _Does +Protection Protect?_ and undertakes to prove by statistics that answer +is No. These Western people are in the habit, we know, of bragging a +good deal of their exploits, and so the writer referred to says he used +to think the answer to his conundrum was Yes, but investigation has +shown him he was wrong. What business has he to investigate it? There is +Mr. GREELEY, he says the answer is YES!! and does any one suppose that +he ever investigated it, or could so investigate any subject as to +change his opinion about it? Of course not. + +Then there is H.C. CAREY, who used to say, when he was interested in +statistics, that the answer was No; but now that he is more interested +in mining, he says the answer is Yes. Could there be any better proof +that the Western man is wrong? + +Besides, has not Mr. KELLEY proved a thousand times that protection does +protect his constituents, and that by making everybody pay dearer for +iron, the money goes where, according to the true laws of trade, it +ought to go--into the pockets of the mine-owners? Can it be possible +that the castor-oil man, the thread man, the salt man, the steel man, +and all the others of this kind, don't know that protection protects +them, and that they are the important persons in the country? + +If this freedom of inquiry is allowed much longer, protection itself +will have to be protected. Let that Western editor prosecute his studies +further, until he becomes convinced that Americans are naturally a lazy, +idle, and shiftless people, and never would, or could, engage in any +industry unless they were so protected in it that it can be made as +flourishing as ship-building, machine-shops, and manufactures of all +kinds are now. Or, if he thinks that would take too much time, let him +join some snug little ring, if he can find such a vacancy, and enjoy the +reflection, when Republican orators talk of the glorious results of +protection to American industry, that he is one of the glorious results. + + * * * * * + +For Sawyers. + +What kind of pine is the most difficult to saw into lumber? The +Porcupine. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | ARE OFFERING | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | VIZ: | + | An Extra Quality Printed Rep, | + | 20c. PER YARD; REGULAR PRICE 25c. | + | Plain Poplins, | + | 25c. AND 30c. PER YARD. | + | VERY HEAVY AND FINE PLAID POPLINS, | + | 50c. PER YARD; RECENT PACKAGE PRICE, 65c. | + | A LARGE LOT OF | + | EMPRESS CLOTHS, | + | 50c. PER YARD; RECENTLY SOLD AT 75c. | + | CLOTH COLORED SERGES, | + | DRAPS DE FRANCE, | + | DRAPS D'ETE, | + | CACHIMERES, | + | MERINOES, | + | SILK AND WOOL AND ALL | + | WOOL EPINCLINES, | + | Etc. | + | | + | AT GREATLY REDUCED PRICES. | + | ALL OF WHICH ARE OF THE FINEST AND | + | CHOICEST FRENCH MANUFACTURE. | + | | + | BROADWAY, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | HAVE JUST RECEIVED AND OPENED | + | 2 Crates of Very Elegant Imported Lap | + | Rugs | + | ALSO | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | DOMESTIC LAP RUGS, | + | AT | + | GREATLY REDUCED PRICES, VIZ: | + | $4 TO $6 EACH. | + | | + | BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., | + | 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | RESPECTFULLY REQUEST THE ATTENTION | + | OF THEIR FRIENDS AND CUSTOMERS | + | TO THEIR | + | ELEGANT ASSORTMENT | + | OF | + | LADIES' READY-MADE | + | VELVET, | + | SILK, | + | POPLIN and | + | CLOTH SUITS. | + | | + | THE HIGHEST AND MOST ATTRACTIVE | + | OFFERED THIS SEASON. | + | PRICES FROM $50 TO $375 EACH. | + | WHITE ORGANDIE DRESSES, | + | VERY ELEGANT. | + | ALSO THE BALANCE OF THEIR | + | LADIES' CHEVIOT | + | WOOL SHAWL SUITS, | + | $5 EACH | + | LADIES' WATER-PROOF SUITS, | + | $7.50 EACH. | + | LADIES' BLACK ALPACA SUITS, | + | $8 EACH. | + | CHILDREN'S WATER-PROOF SUITS, | + | $2 50 EACH. | + | Children's Elegantly Braided Suits. | + | $4 50 EACH. | + | ABOUT ONE-HALF THE COST OF PRODUCTION. | + | BROADWAY, 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) . . $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) . . . 2.00 | + | " " three months, . . . . . . . . . . . 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 | + | | + | | + | "We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for. . . . . . $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | _Wild Roses._ 12-1/8 x 9. | + | | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/5 x 10-1/4--for. . . . . . . . . $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. | + | Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 | + | | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; | + | The Unconscious Sleeper; | + | The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4 | + | | + | Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | + | | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | + | | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and | + | | + | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | + | price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | + | | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: THE EXTENSION OF WOMAN'S SPHERE. + +_Fond Mother (to visitor)._ "AND AS FOR SUSIE, THERE, MY DEAR, SHE'S +_so_ CLEVER!--PHYSICS HER DOLL REGULAR WITH DIRT PILLS, AND HAS JUST +BEEN AND AMPUTATED ONE OF THE POOR DUMB THING'S LEGS, AND SO WE'RE GOING +TO MAKE A DOCTOR OF HER."] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" AND "THE UNITED | + | STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,73 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of Printing, | + | | + | Furnish all kinds of STATIONERY, | + | | + | Make all kinds of BLANK BOOKS, | + | | + | Execute the finest styles of LITHOGRAPHY | + | | + | Make the Best and Cheapest ENVELOPES Ever offered to the | + | Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + | States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and | + | have INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is | + | the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West. | + | | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST COMFORTABLE | + | ROUTE. | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, with all | + | Lines | + | | + | By Rail or River | + | | + | For NEW ORLEANS LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | | + | And all Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING-COACHES on all Express Trains. | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE: revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE one of the delights and pleasures of | + | this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | STANDARD AMERICAN BILLIARD TABLES | + | | + | PHELAN & COLLENDER | + | | + | No. 738 Broadway, | + | NEW YORK CITY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management | + | and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | + | and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | + | Capital to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are enclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 | + | Single copies 10 | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt | + | of ten cents. | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, for 7 00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box 2789. NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PROFESSOR JAMES DE MILLE, | + | | + | Author of | + | | + | "THE DODGE CLUB ABROAD" | + | | + | AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS, | + | | + | Will Commence a New Serial | + | | + | IN THE NUMBER OF | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | JANUARY; 7th, 1871, | + | | + | Written expressly for this Paper. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A CHRISTMAS STORY, | + | | + | "Written expressly for this Paper, | + | | + | By FRANK R. STOCKTON, | + | | + | Author of "Ting-a-ling," etc., etc., | + | | + | WILL BE COMMENCED IN No. 38, FOR DECEMBER 17TH, AND | + | CONCLUDED IN THREE NUMBERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., No. 39., +Saturday, December 24, 1870., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10934 *** |