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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Aug 15, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Aug 15, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 19, 2004 [EBook #11169]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, Sandra Brown
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+
+
+AUGUST 15, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"In the heroic days of 1914," says Count REVENTLOW, "God gave us our
+daily bread and our daily victory." We feel sure that, as regards the
+provision of victories, some recognition ought to be made of the able
+assistance of the WOLFF Bureau.
+
+       ***
+
+We read with some surprise that, in the motor collision in which he
+participated recently, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S car _was run into_ by
+another coming in the opposite direction. This is not the Antwerp spirit
+that the Munitions Department is waiting for.
+
+       ***
+
+A movement is on foot for the presentation of a suitable testimonial to
+the people of Dundee for returning Mr. CHURCHILL to Parliament, after
+being distinctly requested not to do so by a certain morning paper.
+
+       ***
+
+"What shall we do with the Allotment Harvest?" asks _The Evening News_.
+It seems only too probable that, unless a national effort is made to
+preserve them, some of the world's noblest vegetables will have to be
+eaten.
+
+       ***
+
+"Just as a soldier gives his valour or a captain of industry his
+talent," said Lord CURZON, speaking on the sale of titles, "so a wealthy
+man gives his wealth, which is very often his only asset, for the
+benefit of his country." Nothing like a delicate compliment or two to
+encourage him in the good work.
+
+       ***
+
+A lively correspondence has been filling the columns of a contemporary
+under the heading, "The Facts about Bacon." The discussion seems to have
+turned upon the famous line, "There's something rotten from the state of
+Denmark."
+
+       ***
+
+Sixpenny paper notes are now being issued in various parts of Germany.
+If you can't find anything to buy with them you can use them to patch
+the new paper trousers.
+
+       ***
+
+Judging by his recent speech, Herr VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has lost heart
+and found a liver.
+
+       ***
+
+At a recent inquest it was stated that a doctor had prepared a death
+certificate while deceased was still alive. The subsequent correct
+behaviour of the patient is regarded as a distinct feather in the
+medical profession's cap.
+
+       ***
+
+A nephew of Field-Marshal VON HINDENBUBG has just joined the United
+States Navy, but the rumour that upon hearing this HINDENBURG tried to
+look severe is of course an impossible story.
+
+       ***
+
+The sum of sixty pounds has been taken from the Ransom Lane Post Office,
+Hull, and burglars are reminded that withdrawals of money from the Post
+Office cannot in future be allowed unless application is first made on
+the prescribed form.
+
+       ***
+
+Baron SONNINO, the Italian Minister for Foreign Affairs, was accorded a
+truly British welcome on his arrival in this country. It rained all day.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears from a weekly paper that the KAISER is fond of nice quiet
+amusement. If this is so we cannot understand his refusal to have a
+Reichstag run on lines similar to the British Parliament.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON'S physical recreations, says _The Daily Mail_, are
+officially stated to be riding, golf and cycling. Unofficially, we
+believe, he has occasionally done some drilling.
+
+       ***
+
+At a recent pacifist meeting in Bristol Councillor THOMPSON declared
+that he was with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in the South African War, but was
+against him in the present campaign. The authorities are doing their
+best to keep the news from the PREMIER.
+
+       ***
+
+A man at Tottenham has been fined five pounds for feeding a horse with
+bread. We understand that action was taken on the initiative of the
+R.S.P.C.A.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Government is doing everything possible to curry favour with
+its people. It has now commandeered all stocks of soap.
+
+       ***
+
+A Bermondsey house of amusement has organised a competition, in which
+the competitors have to eat a pudding with their hands tied. This of
+course is a great improvement on the modern and more difficult game of
+trying to eat a lump of sugar in a restaurant with full use of the
+hands, and even legs.
+
+       ***
+
+An official notice in the British Museum Library states that readers
+will incur little risk during air raids, "except from a bomb that bursts
+in the room." It is the ability to think out things like this which
+raises the official mind so high above the ordinary.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Government, says the _Gazette de Lausanne_, is establishing a
+regular business base in Berne. We have no illusions as to the base
+business that will be conducted from it.
+
+       ***
+
+"When a German travels round the world," said Dr. MICHAELIS in a lecture
+delivered twenty-five years ago, "he cannot help being terribly envious
+of England." Funnily enough he is as envious as ever, even though the
+opportunities for travel are no longer available.
+
+       ***
+
+When the Folkestone raid syren goes off, a man told the Dover Council,
+it blows your hat off. On the other hand if it doesn't go off you may
+not have anywhere to wear a hat, so what are you to do?
+
+       ***
+
+Willesden allotment-holders are complaining of a shortage of male blooms
+on their vegetable-marrow plants. This is the first intimation we have
+had of the calling-up of this class.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE
+SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THRILLS FROM THE TERMINI.
+
+Mr. Punch, following the example of his daily contemporaries, despatched
+a representative to some of the great London termini to note the August
+exodus from town. The following thrilling report is to hand:--
+
+At Waterton and Paddingloo great crowds continued to board the limited
+number of West-bound and South-west-bound trains. On being asked why
+they were leaving town, those of the travellers who answered at all said
+it was the regular time for their annual holiday and they wanted a
+change. They were mostly a jolly hearty lot, happily confident that at
+some time in the course of the next forty-eight hours they would be
+deposited in some part of the West or South-west of England. Those
+fortunate persons who had secured seats were sitting down, those who
+were unable to get seats were standing, and, in spite of the congested
+state of the carriages and corridors, almost all were smiling, the
+exceptions being those highly-strung and excitable passengers who had
+come to blows over corner seats and windows up or down. Many of the
+travellers carried baskets of food. Your representative, anxious to
+report on the quality and quantity of the provisions carried, ventured
+to peep into one of the baskets, and was in consequence involved in a
+rather unpleasant affair, being actually accused of having abstracted a
+sandwich!
+
+The engine-driver, questioned as to whether he liked having passengers
+on the engine and whether he considered it safe for them, was understood
+to say that so long as they didn't get in his way it didn't matter to
+him, and as to its being safe for them, he jolly well didn't care
+whether it was safe for them or not. The guard, detained by the sleeve
+by your representative, who inquired how he felt about being almost
+crowded out of his brake by passengers, drew away his sleeve with some
+violence and his answer was quite unworthy to be reported. An elderly
+but strongly-built porter, with the luggage of fourteen families on his
+truck, and the fourteen families surrounding him and all talking at
+once, was approached by your representative for a little quiet chat, but
+he became so threatening that it was thought advisable to leave him
+alone.
+
+At Ticvoria Station your representative found a seething mob intent on
+getting to those ever popular and already much overcrowded South-coast
+resorts, Paradeville, Shingleton-on-Sea, Promenade Bay, etc. The
+eleven-o'clock "Paradeville fast," due to start in half-an-hour, was at
+No. 20 platform. All sitting and standing room had been occupied for
+some hours, and the passengers were enjoying the sport of seeing the
+later arrivals running the whole length of the train and back again in
+the mad hope of finding places. Your representative managed to get a
+word with some of these later arrivals, and asked them how they liked
+running up and down, and whether they were much disappointed at not
+finding room; but the answers were mostly unsatisfactory and in some
+cases uncivil. The booking-clerk, questioned as to the phraseology
+employed by August holiday folk in asking for their tickets, whether it
+is "Third return, please," or "Third return," or "Third return and look
+sharp," showed by his answer that the expression "please" is falling
+into desuetude on these occasions, his exact words being "There's
+precious little 'please' knocking about, and anyone who has the cheek to
+tell me to 'look sharp' is jolly well kept waiting till the last!" Your
+representative, wishing to report at first-hand the experience of those
+who were travelling thirty in a compartment meant to accommodate ten in
+the "Paradeville fast," tried to get in and make a thirty-first,
+explaining that it was only for a minute and was with the object of
+getting local colour, but was forcibly expelled, and, falling on the
+platform and sustaining some slight contusions, decided to cease
+reporting on August scenes at the great termini for that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO DUMB WARRIORS.
+
+I.--HYLDEBRAND.
+
+When the Heatherdale Hussars received a two-hours' notice to "trek"
+they, of course, dumped their mascot, Hyldebrand, a six-months-old wild
+boar, at the Town Major's. They would have done the same with a baby or
+a full-grown hippopotamus. The harassed T.M. discovered Hyldebrand in
+the next stable to his slightly hysterical horse the morning after the
+H.H. had evacuated, and informed me (his village Sanitary Inspector)
+that "as I was fond of animals" (he had seen me distributing fly-traps
+and painting horse-trough notice-boards) I was henceforth in sole
+command of Hyldebrand until such time as his owners should reclaim him.
+A grant of five sous _per diem_ had been left for the piglette's
+maintenance.
+
+I took charge of Hyldebrand, provided an old dog-kennel for his shelter,
+an older dog-collar for his adornment and six yards of "flex" for his
+restraint. I further appointed the runner--a youth from Huddersfield,
+nicknamed "Isinglass," in playful sarcastic comment on his speed--second
+in command. He was to feed, groom and exercise Hyldebrand. I would
+inspect Hyldebrand twice a week.
+
+Hyldebrand rose fast in village popularity. One forgot that his parents
+had been shot for cattle maiming, body snatching, breaking into
+granaries and defying the gendarmerie on the public roads. But Hyldy was
+all docility. He ate his way through the grant, the office stationery,
+and the central tin dump with the most disarming _naïvété_. He was the
+spoilt darling of every mess. The reflected glory which Isinglass and
+myself enjoyed was positively embarrassing.
+
+But as the summer advanced so did Hyldebrand. He became (to quote his
+keeper) a "battle pig," with the head of a pantomime dragon,
+fore-quarters of a bison, the hind-legs of a deer and a back like an
+heraldic scrubbing-brush. In March I had inspected him as he sat upon my
+knee. In June I shook hands with him as he strained at his tether. In
+mid-September we nodded to each other from opposite sides of a barbed
+wire fence. Yet Isinglass retained the most complete mastery of his
+ferocious-looking protégé, and beneath his skilful massage Hyldebrand
+would throw himself upon the ground and guggle in a porcine ecstacy.
+
+One sunny afternoon, when there had come upon the little village street
+the inevitable hush which preceded Hyldebrand's hour for exercise, I
+espied the village cripple making for his home with the celerity of an A
+1 man. He glared reproachfully at me, and, with an exclamation of
+"_Sacré sanglier!_" vanished in the open doorway of the local
+boulangerie, that being nearer than his cottage. Then came Hyldebrand,
+froth on his snout and murder in his little eyes, and after him
+Isinglass more than living up to his equine namesake. I joined him, and,
+following Hyldy in a cloud of dust, the runner informed me between gasps
+that it was "along of burning his snout-raking for a bully-beef tin in
+the insinuator."
+
+A band outside B Mess was nearing the climax of GRIEG'S "Peer Gynt"
+suite. Hyldebrand just failed to perpetrate the time-worn gag of jumping
+through the big drum, but he contrived to make that final crashing chord
+sound like the last sneeze of a giant dying of hay-fever. The rest the
+crowd saw through a film of dust. Hyldebrand headed for the turning by
+the school, reached it as the gates opened to release young France, and
+comedy would have turned to tragedy but for the point duty M.P. and his
+revolver.
+
+There was a note and a parcel for me a day or so after. The note, which
+was addressed to and had been opened by the T.M., stated that Hyldebrand
+was being sent for by the Heatherdale Hussars on the morrow. Outside the
+parcel was scrawled, above the initials of the G.H.Q. officers' cook, a
+friend of mine, "It's top hole--try it with a drop of sauce." Inside was
+a cold pork chop!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW LOAF.
+
+MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "LUCKY RHONDDA! BUT I TAUGHT HIM THOSE NUMBERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+II.--ERMYNTRUDE.
+
+It so happened in a quiet part of the line that men were scarce and work
+abundant, so it was decided to use mules to carry the rations further
+than usual. All went well until one night when friend Fritz changed his
+habits and put some assorted fireworks rather near the mules.
+
+Now the transport, being human and moreover unaccustomed to fireworks,
+disliked this entertainment. Therefore they sought what shelter they
+could. In a few minutes the Hun repented, but no mules and no rations
+could the transport see. Moreover it began to rain. So back they went
+and spoke at great length of the hundreds of seventeen-inch which had
+blown up all the mules.
+
+The morning began to come and a machine-gun subaltern, looking at a
+black East in search of daylight, so that he might say, "It is now
+light; I may go to bed," was somewhat startled. "For," he said, "I have
+received shocks as the result of too much whisky of old, but from a
+split tea and chloride of lime--no! It must be the pork and beans."
+However, he collected eight puzzled but peaceful mules and handed them
+to a still more bewildered adjutant, who knew not if they were "trench
+stores" or "articles to be returned to salvage."
+
+In the meanwhile the Transport Officer was making inquiries, and he
+recovered the eight mules. "All," he said, "are back, except Ermyntrude.
+I grieve for Ermyntrude, but still more for my driver's fate."
+
+Where Ermyntrude spent the day no one knows. All that is known is of her
+conduct the next night. About eleven o'clock she stepped on a shelter,
+and, being a heavy mule, came into the trench abruptly. This worried but
+did not hurt her, and she proceeded down the trench at a steady trot,
+bumping into the traverses. She met a ration party, and for the first
+time in their lives they took refuge over the top, for Ermyntrude was
+angry.
+
+Ermyntrude reached the end of the trench and somehow got out, heading,
+by chance, for Germany. That was her undoing. In a minute or so three
+machine-guns began firing, bombs and rifle shots were heard, and Verey
+lights innumerable flared. We never saw Ermyntrude again. But we heard
+of her--or rather we read of her--for the German official report wrote
+her epitaph, thus: "Near the village of ---- hostile raiding detachments
+were repulsed by our machine-gun fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Monica (taken in to see her mother and her new sister,
+who is fretful--to nurse)_. "TAKE HER AWAY AND BRING ONE THAT DOESN'T
+CRY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR ALLOTMENT-HOLDERS.
+
+"LET US SPRAY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"We welcome back to a position he once filled so well, the Rev. ----,
+who is taking on the pork of the parish for the duration of the
+war."--_Bath and Wilts Chronicle_.
+
+We trust it will agree with him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WANTED, a Very Plain Girl, very good references and photo asked, to
+care for three children and do housework."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+You can almost see the green-eyed monster lurking in the background.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+_Soulful Soldier (carried away by red sunset)._ "BY JOVE! LOOK AT THAT!
+ISN'T IT GLORIOUS?"
+
+_His Tent Mate._ "YUS. ANOTHER MUCKIN' 'OT DAY TO-MORRER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LXIV.
+
+    MY DEAR CHARLES,--Since I last wrote to you I have enjoyed
+    seeing again an officer with whom I had many curious dealings in
+    the past, and who, if half the facts he divulges about himself
+    were true, would certainly be the wickedest Colonel in the
+    B.E.F., notwithstanding that he fought busily in the early
+    stages and had the best part of himself knocked out in so doing.
+    He has performed many strange duties since, and the steps he
+    took to qualify for one of them will, I think, illustrate for
+    you his wickedness.
+
+    It has been found, on experience, that modesty is out of place
+    when you are being called upon to state your qualifications for
+    a post. The knowing, upon being asked if they possess certain
+    attributes, reply in an immediate affirmative and add others,
+    just to be on the safe side. It is felt that what is really
+    required in this War is thrust and ingenuity, things which
+    adequately make up for the absence of any specialist knowledge.
+    Accordingly my friend found himself described as possessing,
+    among other things, "French, fluent." It was not until he was
+    informed that the Official Interpreter would like to hear a
+    little of this that he looked more closely into the matter and
+    discovered that he knew no French at all. Undismayed, he spent
+    the two days' interval before the _vivâ-voce_ examination in
+    learning some. You might suppose that two days is a short time
+    in which to become so familiar with a strange language that you
+    may be able to understand and answer any question which may be
+    put to you in it. Sly friend, however, did not let this worry
+    him. He learnt by heart a long and detailed narrative, embracing
+    all the most impressive idioms and all the most popular slang,
+    the subject of which was an accident which had occurred to him
+    in the earlier days of the campaign, a long and a vivid story,
+    which, once started, would last indefinitely and could not be
+    interrupted meanwhile.
+
+    Armed with no other knowledge of the French language than this,
+    my friend duly presented himself before the Official
+    Interpreter, greeted him with a genial salute and waited
+    throughout his opening speech, which was in French and contained
+    many inquiries.
+
+    My friend made no endeavour to follow these simple questions. He
+    knew he couldn't succeed and had no intention of giving himself
+    away by an attempt. Advancing towards the Interpreter's table
+    and putting his right hand to his ear, "Pardon, monsieur," he
+    said, "mais je suis un peu sourd, depuis mon accident."
+
+    "Quel accident?" said the Interpreter; after which my friend did
+    not stop talking until he was passed out with a "French,
+    garrulous."
+
+    We met quite recently and talked over things in general, telling
+    each other, in confidence and on the best authority, all those
+    exciting details of the progress of the War which men go on
+    saying and believing until they are officially contradicted.
+    Getting down to realities, he told me that he has now the
+    greatest difficulty in believing in the War at all, though he is
+    within ear-shot of it all the time. His difficulty is due to the
+    last thing he saw before he left his office: three men standing
+    at his gate, in that attitude of contented and contemplative
+    leisure which one associates with Saturday afternoons and
+    village pumps, looking at nothing in particular and spitting
+    thoughtfully as occasion required. One of them was a British
+    soldier, one a French soldier and one a German soldier. The
+    whole picture suggested anything but war; if there was a war on,
+    which nation was fighting against which? My friend, however, is
+    somewhat oddly situated in this respect, since he commands for
+    the moment a detachment of German prisoners in our back area.
+    Some of them, he tells me, are extraordinarily smart. One
+    Prussian N.C.O. in particular was remarkable. Dressed in his
+    impressive overcoat, hatted for all the world like our Staff and
+    carrying under his arm his dapper cane, this N.C.O. went round
+    from group to group of working prisoners, accompanying the
+    English sergeant in charge of the party and interpreting the
+    latter's orders to the men. So striking was his get-up that all
+    paused to look at him.
+
+    Thinking it might please you, my friend showed me an official
+    memo., which he had just received from one of his officers in
+    command of an outlying detachment, and of course of the odds and
+    ends of British personnel adhering thereto: cooks, guards, etc.
+    The memo. ran as follows, and it repays careful study and
+    thinking out; I give you the whole of it:--
+
+        "_To the Commanding Officer, Orderly Room, Hqrs._"
+
+        The undermentioned is in my opinion entirely unfitted
+        for the duty to which he has been detailed with this
+        detachment. He shows no signs of either intelligence or
+        industry, and I propose, with your approval, to take the
+        necessary steps to get rid of him forthwith.
+
+        A. B. SMITH,
+
+        _Capt. i.c. 'B' Detachment._
+
+    My friend was much concerned to hit upon exactly the right form
+    of reply. Eventually we agreed:--
+
+        "_To Capt. A. B. Smith, i.c. 'B' Detachment._
+
+        Good-bye.
+
+        C. D. JONES,
+
+        _Lt.-Col., O.C., etc., etc._"
+
+    Finally, let me tell you a disgraceful tale of my same friend,
+    which does not refer to his present command, and is, I hope,
+    untrue of him in any command.
+
+    The crowd for which he was then responsible was suddenly
+    threatened with inspection by the General who is charged with
+    the welfare of such people, and who very properly desired to
+    satisfy himself that they were both well disciplined and well
+    tended. So that success might be assured my friend had a
+    rehearsal parade. All inspections and manoeuvres being
+    completed, my friend stood the crowd at ease and thus addressed
+    them:--
+
+        "All ranks will take the utmost care to turn themselves
+        out smartly for the inspection and to make the
+        inspection a success. As the General passes along the
+        lines inspecting you, you will stand rigidly to
+        attention, eyes front. You will be asked if you have any
+        complaints to make, and each of you will have an
+        opportunity of making a complaint in the correct manner.
+
+        "In making his complaint the man should advance two
+        paces forward, salute smartly, stand to attention and
+        make his complaint.
+
+        "And, by Heavens, if anybody does...!"
+
+    Yours ever,
+
+    HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRACT FOR GROUSERS.
+
+Ernest and I were seated by the river. It was very pleasant there, and
+it seemed a small thing to us that we were both still disabled.
+
+"Did you ever say to yourself, when you were out there, that if ever you
+got out of it alive you'd never grumble at anything again?'" said
+Ernest.
+
+My reply was in the affirmative.
+
+We were silent for a while, remorse weighing heavily upon us.
+
+"The worst case," said Ernest at length, "was when I got my commission
+and came home for my kit."
+
+I composed myself to listen, piously determined not to grumble however
+tedious I might find his recital.
+
+"We'd been near a place called Ypres," he began.
+
+"I seem to have heard the name," I murmured.
+
+"I hadn't been sleeping really well for a week--we'd been in the
+trenches that time--and before that I had lain somewhat uneasily upon a
+concrete floor."
+
+"Yes, concrete is hard, isn't it?" I said.
+
+"We came out at three in the morning, and arrived at our billets about
+seven. I knew this commission was on the _tapis_--French word meaning
+carpet--so I hung round not daring to turn in. At eleven o'clock I had
+orders to push off home to get my kit. You'll guess I didn't want asking
+twice. I made my way to the railhead at once in case of any hitch, and
+had to wait some time for a train. It was a goods train when it came,
+but it did quite well and deposited me outside the port of embarkation
+about nine o'clock at night. I walked on into the port and found the
+ship that was crossing next morning. I went below in search of a cabin.
+There was a French sailor there to whom I explained my need."
+
+"How?" I asked, for I do not share Ernest's opinion of his mastery of
+the French language, but he ignored this.
+
+"It was dark down there," he went on, "too dark for him to see that I
+was in a private's uniform, so I put on a bit of side and he took me for
+an officer."
+
+"A French officer?"
+
+"Very likely. Anyway he found me a beautiful cabin with a lovely couch
+in it all covered with plush. You would have thought I should want
+nothing but to be left to sleep; but no, I saw that the officer in the
+next cabin had a candle, and there was no candle for me. Instantly my
+worst instincts were aroused. I felt I was being put upon. I demanded a
+candle. The sailor declared there wasn't one left."
+
+"You're sure he understood what you were asking for?"
+
+"Yes, I know that candle is boogy, thank you. I argued with him for ten
+minutes and then turned in, grumbling. Queer, wasn't it?"
+
+"Yes," I said.
+
+I sat there for a while, thinking over Ernest's story, which had, it
+seemed to me, something of the tract about it.
+
+Later the midges began to attack us.
+
+"Aren't these midges absolutely--" I began, and then stopped,
+remembering Ernest's tract. It only shows, as I said to Ernest, that we
+may learn something even from the most unlikely people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Wanted, a strong Boy, about 15 years old, for bottling, &c. The
+Brewery, Brixham."
+
+_The Western Guardian._
+
+"Waiter, bring me a bottle of the boy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"... contest the right of the Spanish authorities to intern damaged
+submarines seeking refuse in neutral ports."--_Star._
+
+The Spanish authorities are expected to reply that if that is what the
+U-boats are after there is no need for them to leave home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Artist._ "BY GAD! OLD PARSLEY'S SURPASSED
+HIMSELF. LAMB CUTLETS, TWO CHOCOLATE CAKES AND THREE LUMPS OF SUGAR.
+RATTLING GOOD SUBJECT."
+
+_Second Artist._ "I THOUGHT OF ONE NEARLY AS GOOD, BUT COULDN'T AFFORD
+THE MODELS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+_(The GERMAN CROWN PRINCE and Fritz, his Valet.)_
+
+_The Crown Prince (in bed and yawning)._ Is that you, Fritz?
+
+_Fritz._ Yes, your Royal Highness. What uniform shall I lay out for his
+Royal Highness?
+
+_The C.P._ You can lay out the best I have--the one of the Death's Head
+Hussars, with all my stars and medals. I am expecting an important
+visit.
+
+_Fritz (with a meaning smile)._ If I might venture so far, I would
+suggest to his Royal Highness that he should wear the Trench uniform,
+which I arranged with the bullet-holes and the mud-splashes. It creates
+a greater effect, especially if the visitor be a lady.
+
+_The C.P._ Fritz, you dog, how dare you? Very well, have it your own way
+and let it be the Trench uniform.
+
+_Fritz._ I am only anxious to promote his Royal Highness's interest in
+every possible way.
+
+_The C.P._ I know, I know. Only we shall have old HINDENBURG growling
+and grunting and looking as black as a thundercloud. I cannot imagine
+what my revered father sees in that old wooden effigy, whose only idea
+of strategy is to retreat from strong positions. That, at any rate, is
+not the fashion in which I have learnt war. I'm thoroughly tired of
+hearing of all these HINDENBURG plans, which come to nothing.
+
+_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness is, of course, right. But what I say to
+myself is that the ALL-HIGHEST, your Royal Highness's most gracious
+father, has in all this a deep-laid design to show conclusively that all
+these HINDENBURG plans mean nothing, so that in the end true skill and
+merit may have a chance, and the chief command may be placed in the only
+hands that are fit to exercise it. Oh, yes, I know what I'm talking
+about, and everyone I meet says the same.
+
+_The C.P._ I have always felt that that must be so. No matter, a time
+will come. By the way, Fritz, have you packed up the _Sèvres_
+dinner-service?
+
+_Fritz._ I have already packed six from as many different French and
+Belgian houses, and have sent them to Berlin, according to your Royal
+Highness's directions. Which does your Royal Highness refer to?
+
+_The C.P._ I mean the one with the simple pattern of pink flowers and
+the coat-of-arms.
+
+_Fritz._ Yes, that I have packed like the rest and have sent off.
+
+_The C.P._ And the silver dishes and the lace?
+
+_Fritz._ Yes, they have all gone.
+
+_The C.P._ Good. And the clocks?
+
+_Fritz._ Yes, I did in every case what your Royal Highness ordered me to
+do.
+
+_The C.P._ And you packed them, I hope, with the greatest care?
+
+_Fritz._ I did; nothing, I am certain, will suffer damage.
+
+_The C.P._ Excellent. War is, no doubt, a rough and brutal affair, but
+at least it cannot be said that we Prussians do not behave like
+gentlemen.
+
+_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness speaks, as always, the plain truth. How
+different from the degenerate French and the intolerable English.
+
+_The C.P._ Yes, Fritz; and now you can go. Stay; there was something I
+wanted to ask you. Dear me, I am losing my memory. Ah! I have it. How is
+my offensive getting on? Has any news come in from the _Chemin des
+Dames_?
+
+_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness's offensive has not advanced to any great
+extent. The French last night recaptured all their positions and even
+penetrated into ours.
+
+_The C.P._ Did they? How very annoying. Somebody bungled, of course.
+Well, well, I shall have to put it right when I have time. Have you
+finished laying out my uniform? Yes. Then you can go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUMILIATION OF THE PALFREY.
+
+  Where is she now, the pride of the battalion,
+    That ambled always at the Colonel's side,
+  A fair white steed, like some majestic galleon
+    Which takes deliberate the harbour tide,
+      So soft, so slow, she scarcely seems to stir?
+      And that, indeed, was very true of her
+      Who was till late, so kind her character,
+    The only horse the Adjutant could ride.
+
+  Ever she led the regiment on its journeys,
+    And held sweet converse with the Colonel's gee:
+  Of knights, no doubt, and old heroic tourneys,
+    And how she bare great ladies o'er the lea;
+      And on high hill-sides, when the men felt dead,
+      Far up the height they viewed her at the head,
+      A star of hope, and shook themselves, and said,
+    "If she can do it, dammit, so can we!"
+
+  But where is now my Adjutantial palfrey?
+    In front no longer but in rear to-day,
+  Behind the bicycles, and not at all free
+    To be familiar with the General's gray,
+      She walks in shame with all those misanthropes,
+      The sad pack-animals who have no hopes
+      But must by men be led about on ropes,
+    Condemned till death to carry S.A.A.,
+
+  And bombs, and beef, and officers' valises;
+    And I at eve have marked my wistful mare
+  By thronging dumps where cursing never ceases
+    And rations come, for oft she brings them there,
+      Patient, aloof; and when the shrapnel dropp'd
+      And the young mules complained and kicked and hopp'd,
+      She only stood unmoved, with one leg propp'd,
+    As if she heard it not or did not care;
+
+  Or heard, maybe, but hoped to get a Blighty;
+    For on her past she lately seemed to brood
+  And dreamed herself once more among the mighty,
+    By grooms beloved and reverently shoed;
+      But now she has no standing in the corps,
+      And Death itself would hardly be a bore,
+      Save that, although she carries me no more,
+    'Tis something still to carry up my food.
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAR-NOTE IN EXAMINATIONS.
+
+Extract from Smith Minor's Scripture paper:--
+
+    "And when Jephthah saw his daughter coming to meet him he was
+    very much upset. But he had to keep to his vow, so he gave her
+    two months' leave and then he killed her."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    Quoting a European statesman, saying the war would be won by the
+    last 500,000 bushels of what, Mr. Hoover said."--_New York
+    Times_.
+
+We trust Mr. HOOVER will hurry up with his peroration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I feel that I might claim almost a special kinship with Baron
+    Sonnino, because I believe his mother was a Welsh lady."
+
+    _"Weekly Dispatch" Report of Premier's Speech._
+
+    "Baron Sonnino, by the way, who is of half-Scottish extraction,
+    speaks English perfectly. How many of the master minds at our
+    Foreign Office speak Italian perfectly?"
+
+    _"Weekly Dispatch" Secret History of the Week._
+
+But in fairness to the "master minds" it should be remembered that few
+of them have the advantage of a Scotch father and a Welsh mother.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hospital Wardmaid (who has shown the new matron into her
+room)._--"WELL, I MUST SAY I HOPE YOU'VE COME TO STAY. YOU'LL BE THE
+SIXTH MATRON I'VE TRAINED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE BETTER 'OLE."
+
+I must congratulate Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN on his courage in transforming
+the Oxford Music-hall into a home of "the legitimate," and still more on
+his good fortune in securing for the initiation of his new venture the
+play which Captain BRUCE BAIRNSFATHER and Captain ARTHUR ELIOT have
+written round the adventures of "Old Bill." In form it resembles a
+_revue_, but I prefer to call it a play, because it possesses a plot,
+distinct if slight--an encumbrance banned by most _revue_ producers; and
+because it contains an abundance of honest spontaneous fun. The authors
+start with the advantage, if it be an advantage, that the principal
+characters are already familiar to the audience through the medium of
+Captain BAIRNSFATHER's popular drawings; but they have not been content
+with reproducing their well-known, now almost hackneyed, adventures, but
+have added many others which are new and yet "come into the picture."
+
+Their greatest piece of luck was in finding a comedian exactly fitted to
+fill the part of the humble hero. Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER as _Old Bill_ is
+absolutely "it." His make-up is perfect; he might have stepped out of
+the drawing, or sat for it, whichever you please. But, much more than
+that, he seems to have exactly realised the sort of man _Old Bill_
+probably is in real life--slow-speaking and stolid in manner, yet with a
+vein of common-sense underlying his apparent stupidity; much addicted to
+beer and other liquids, but not brutalized thereby; and, while often
+grousing and grumbling, nevertheless possessed almost unconsciously of a
+strong sense of duty and an undaunted determination to see it through.
+It is a tribute to the essential truthfulness of Captain BAIRNSFATHER'S
+conception and Mr. BOURCHIER'S acting that one comes away from _The
+Better 'Ole_ feeling that there must be thousands of _Old Bills_ at the
+Front fighting for our freedom.
+
+Admirable work is done, too, by Mr. TOM WOOTTWELL as _Bert_, the
+incorrigible amorist, for whom each new girl is "the only girl," and who
+has an apparently inexhaustible supply of identity-discs to leave with
+them as "sooveneers"; and by Mr. SINCLAIR COTTER as _Alf_, the cynical
+humourist--"Where were you eddicated, Eton or Harrod's?" is one of his
+best _mots_--who spends most of his time in wrestling with an automatic
+cigar-lighter. I think it would be only poetical justice if in the
+concluding scene, when _Old Bill_ comes into his own, the authors were
+for once to allow _Alf_ to succeed in lighting his "fag."
+
+Of the many ladies who add charm to the entertainment I can only mention
+Miss EDMÉE DORMEUIL, who as _Victoire_ has an important share in the
+plot and saves _Old Bill's_ life; Miss GOODIE REEVE, who sings some
+capital songs; and Miss PEGGY DORAN, who looks bewitching as an officer
+of the Woman Workers' Corps. The music, arranged by Mr. HERMAN DAREWSKI,
+is catchy and not uncomfortably original: and the scenery, designed by
+Captain BAIRNSFATHER, gives one, I should say, as good an idea of the
+trenches as one can get without going there. In fine I would parody _Old
+Bill_ and say, "If you knows of a better show, go to it!"
+
+L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Perfect stranger (to Jones, who has not forgotten
+Willie's birthday)._ "AIN'T YOU ASHAMED TO GO BATTING THESE DAYS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE
+SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A MODERN MUSE.
+
+  O Metaphasia, peerless maid,
+    How can I fitly sing
+  The priceless decorative aid
+    To dialogue you bring,
+  Enabling serious folk, whose brains
+    Are commonplace and crude,
+  To soar to unimagined planes
+    Of sweet ineptitude.
+
+  Changed by your magic, common-sense
+    Nonsensical appears,
+  And stars of sober influence
+    Shoot madly from their spheres.
+  You lure us from the beaten track,
+    From minding P.'s and Q.'s,
+  To paths where white is always black
+    And pies resemble pews.
+
+  Strange beasts, more strange than the giraffe,
+    You conjure up to view,
+  The flue-box and the forking-calf,
+    Unknown at any Zoo;
+  And new vocations you unfold,
+    Wonder on wonder heaping,
+  Hell-banging for the over-bold,
+    And toffee-cavern keeping.
+
+  With you we hatch the pasty snipe,
+    And all undaunted face
+  Huge fish of unfamiliar type--
+    Bush-pike and bubble-dace;
+  Or, fired by hopes of lyric fame,
+    We deviate from prose,
+  And make it our especial aim
+    Bun-sonnets to compose.
+
+  I wonder did the ancients prove
+    Responsive to your spell,
+  Or, riveted to Reason's groove,
+    Against your charms rebel.
+  And yet some senator obese,
+    In Rome long years ago,
+  May have misnamed a masterpiece
+    _De Gallo bellico_.
+
+  We know there were heroic men
+    Ere AGAMEMNON'S days,
+  Who passed forgotten from our ken,
+    Lacking a poet's praise;
+  But, though great Metaphasiarchs
+    Have doubtless flourished sooner,
+  I'm sure their raciest remarks
+    Have been eclipsed by S-----r.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LIMIT.
+
+    "The daily cost of the war has shown an alarming tendency to
+    mount, and has gone beyond the 700 millions which some folk
+    thought must be the limit a few months ago."
+
+    _Sussex Daily News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Junior Assistant wanted to Grocery, Spirit and Provision
+    business; send copy references and salary expected."--_Irish
+    Paper._
+
+Quite a promising idea for getting more capital into a business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INVENTIONS.
+
+"Amongst a number of new inventions," says the _Frankfischer Tagwacht_,
+"is an imitation of the smell of Limburger cheese." This has caused some
+alarm and not a little interest in this country, as the following
+extracts will show:--
+
+"Berlin Resident" states that he has too long been fed up with imitation
+meals, and for weeks past has had nothing to eat but holes from
+Limburger.
+
+"Cynic" remarks that it is impossible for the German scientists to
+defeat the WOLFF wireless at inventions.
+
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is anxious to know whether they have yet
+discovered a substitute for _The Morning Post_.
+
+_The Times_ Greenwich correspondent wires: "If they have invented a
+method whereby a news report will make a noise like 'Passed by Censor'
+will they wire terms?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Inscription on a French picture post-card:--
+
+    "Une locomotive abandonée devant Thiepval.  One locomotive a
+    profligate woman forepart Thiepval."
+
+Smith minor is avenged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE REAL VOICE OF LABOUR.
+
+TOMMY. "SO YOU'RE GOING TO STOCKHOLM TO TALK TO FRITZ, ARE YOU? WELL,
+I'M GOING BACK TO FRANCE TO _FIGHT_ HIM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, August 6th._--This being Bank Holiday and the first fine day
+after a week's downpour, Members for the most part stayed away from
+Westminster. Some, it is charitably supposed, have gone to look after
+their allotments. Others, it is believed, have been kept away by a
+different reason. The taxicab-drivers, men constitutionally averse from
+extortion, have refused to enter the railway-station yards so long as
+the companies persist in exacting from them a whole penny for the
+privilege. Consequently some of our week-ending legislators are reported
+to be interned at Waterloo and Paddington, sitting disconsolately upon
+their portmanteaux. As an appeal to the Board of Trade elicited nothing
+more from Mr. G. ROBERTS than a disclaimer of personal responsibility,
+it is expected that redress will be sought from the Taxi-cabinet.
+
+Mr. HENDERSON'S dual personality continues to arouse curiosity. There
+was some justification for Mr. KING'S inquiry whether he went to
+Petrograd as a Ministerial _Jekyll_ or a Labourist _Hyde_. Mr. BONAR LAW
+assured the House that on this occasion at least Mr. HENDERSON went
+purely as a Cabinet Minister, guiltless of any duplicity.
+
+Mr. PROTHERO enlivened the discussion on the Corn Production Bill by a
+new clause providing that where a farmer failed to destroy the rabbits
+on his land the Board of Agriculture should have power to do it for him
+and recover the expenses incurred. Sir JOHN SPEAR expected that in some
+cases the rabbits secured would more than defray the cost of the
+capture, and declared that unless the farmer was allowed to keep the
+rabbits the Government would be guilty of "profiteering." As other
+agricultural Members appeared to share this view, Mr. PROTHERO, most
+obliging of Ministers, agreed to alter the word "cost" to "net cost." I
+hope no litigious farmer will seek to evade his liabilities on the
+ground that, as the Act only says "net cost," he need not pay for the
+ferrets.
+
+_Tuesday, August 7th._--Those peers who were supposed to be shaking in
+their shoes at the thought of Lord SELBORNE'S impending revelations as
+to the means by which they acquired their honours might have spared
+their tremors. He opened his bag to-day, but no cat jumped out, not even
+the smallest kitten. If he had given a single concrete example of a peer
+who, having notoriously no public services at his back, must be presumed
+to have purchased his title, he would have created some effect. But the
+admission that all his information on the subject was confidential cut
+the ground from under his feet; and needless to say none of the Peers
+whom he hypothetically accused of buying their coronets responded to his
+appeal by standing forth in a white sheet and making open confession of
+his crime.
+
+[Illustration: THE FOUNT OF HONOUR AT WORK.
+
+LORD CURZON CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT.]
+
+Lord SELBORNE was one of three heirs to peerages who a generation ago
+banded themselves together to resist elevation to the House of Lords.
+Another of them is Lord CURZON, who answered him to-night, and whose
+contempt for the Chamber which he now adorns seems to have grown with
+the years that he has spent in it. Reading between the lines of his
+speech a cynic could only infer that the Upper House, as at present
+constituted, is such a useless and superfluous assembly that it does not
+much matter who gets into it or by what venal ladder he climbs.
+
+The only peers who ventured to get to close quarters with the scandal
+were Lord KNUTSFORD, who told a moving tale of how a potential baronet
+diverted £25,000 from the London Hospital to a certain party fund, and
+thereby achieved his purpose; and Lord SALISBURY, who declared from his
+knowledge of Prime Ministers that they were sick of administering the
+system of which Lord CURZON was so ostentatiously ignorant.
+
+[Illustration: WINSTON'S GIFT TO HIS NEW PRIVATE SECRETARY, MR.
+MACCALLUM SCOTT.]
+
+Many reasons have been assigned for Mr. CHURCHILL'S reinclusion in the
+Ministry, but I am inclined to think that the real one has only just
+been discovered. Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT is one of the most pertinacious
+inquisitors of the Treasury Bench; he is also a whole-souled admirer of
+the Member for DUNDEE, and has written a book in eulogy of his
+achievements by sea and land. Mr. CHURCHILL has rewarded this devotion
+by appointing Mr. SCOTT his private secretary, and, as it is contrary to
+Parliamentary etiquette for a Member holding this position to
+interrogate other Ministers, has thereby conferred a distinct benefit
+upon his new colleagues. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is now reported to be on the
+look-out for other statesmen in whom Mr. HOGGE and Mr. PRINGLE repose a
+similar trust, but so far without success; and it is thought that his
+only chance is to make Mr. PRINGLE an Under-Secretary on condition that
+he takes Mr. HOGGE as his _âme damnée_, or _vice versâ_.
+
+_Wednesday, August 8th._--Lord BURNHAM shocked some of the more ancient
+peers by his skittish references to the coming Conference on the Second
+Chamber. When he expressed the hope that Lord CURZON would make an
+explicit statement, on the ground that their Lordships' House was in no
+need of a soporific, I fully expected one of the occupants of the
+mausoleum to rise and reprove him in the words of Dr. JOHNSON, "Sir, in
+order to be facetious it is not necessary to be indecent."
+
+The advent of the feminine lawyer was rendered a little nearer when her
+champions successfully held up a Bill promoted by the Incorporated Law
+Society until the Government undertook to find time for the discussion
+of a measure enabling women to become solicitors. Already _Shylock_ is
+trembling at the prospect.
+
+_Thursday, August 9th_.--When the House on two successive occasions
+rejected Proportional Representation it was generally thought that
+nothing more would be heard of the other proposals for securing minority
+representation. To-night, however, after a brisk debate, the
+"Alternative vote" in three-cornered contests was saved in a free
+division by a single vote; and it was further decided that "P.R." itself
+should be adopted at University elections, despite the unanimous
+opposition of the University Representatives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHOICE.
+
+The bright August sun certainly made the dining-room paper look dingy.
+It was a plain, self-coloured paper, but we were rather attached to it,
+and didn't like the idea of a change.
+
+But there seemed no help for it, so I arranged to leave my office early
+on Friday afternoon, meet Alison at the Marble Arch tube station and go
+with her to choose a new paper.
+
+When we reached the wall-paperer's lair we were ushered by an immaculate
+personage into a room that looked more like the dining-room of a private
+house than a part of business premises.
+
+"Perhaps," I said, in an awed whisper, "you don't care to have anything
+to do with such trifling things as--er--wall-paper?"
+
+"Indeed we do," said the nobleman. "Most important things, wall-papers.
+Where did you want it for?"
+
+"For a room in my house, of course," I said. "Not for the garden."
+
+"Oh, not for the garden. And what sort of house is yours?" he asked.
+
+"A very nice house," I said.
+
+"I meant what was the style of the house--Jacobean, Georgian?"
+
+"Brixtonian rococo outwardly," I said, "as far as I can judge; but very
+snug inside. No doubt you could show us something we should like which
+would also satisfy your sense of propriety."
+
+"I think it might be managed," he said, waving his hand towards two or
+three giant books of patterns.
+
+"What we want," I said, "is something meaty."
+
+"Ah, for the dining-room," he said.
+
+"Well, it's a courtesy title," I said, "but really in these hard times
+we have reduced economy to such a fine art that I thought a wall-paper
+with body in it might help matters."
+
+"I think I catch the idea," said the marquis. "Something that would make
+you feel more satisfied after dinner than you otherwise would feel, as
+it were."
+
+"My dear Sir," I said, "you have hit it exactly. Yours is a sympathetic
+nature. How readily you have divined my thoughts! No doubt you too are
+suffering."
+
+He sighed almost audibly. "How is the room furnished?" he said.
+
+"Leading features," I said, "a Welsh dresser, rush-bottomed chairs,
+gate-legged table, bookcases--"
+
+"Saxe-blue carpet," said Alison.
+
+"A most important detail," Lord Bayswater said.  "Don't you think
+something of a chintzy nature would ... etc."
+
+Both Alison and I agreed that a prescription of that kind might possibly
+... etc.
+
+I don't know what is comprised under the term chintzy, but it appeared
+to be a comprehensive one, for the nobleman descanted on the merits of
+the following patterns among others:--
+
+(1) Cockatoos on trees, cockatooing.
+
+(2) Pheasants on trees, eating blackberries.
+
+(3) Other birds on trees, doing nothing in particular.
+
+(4) Roses, in full bloom, half bloom, fading, falling.
+
+(5) Forget-me-nots in bunches, ready for sale.
+
+(6) Grapes doing whatever it is that grapes do.
+
+(7) Other flowers and fruits, also acting after the manner of their
+kind.
+
+Many other patterns were shown us and we spent an hour or two looking at
+them. Our host tried hard to push the cockatoos on to us. His idea was
+that the pattern would act as wallpaper and pictures combined. Alison's
+idea was that there would be too many portraits of cockatoos round the
+room, and I maintained that the wretched birds looked so realistic that
+I should certainly feel I ought to be giving them some food, and this
+would of course hardly assist my idea. The noes had it.
+
+In the end we came away with four patterns (fruits and flowers) and a
+promise to let Lord Bayswater know which one we preferred. One of them I
+chose really to show my tailor, as it was a top-hole scheme for a winter
+waistcoat.
+
+Alison and I spent the evening hanging the patterns up one after the
+other on one wall of the dining-room, and tried to paper the rest of the
+walls in the mind's eye, but at eleven o'clock we knocked off for the
+night and went to bed with headaches.
+
+I fancy Alison must have had a disturbed night. As I was leaving the
+house after breakfast she said, "Have you made up your mind about those
+patterns?"
+
+"No, I haven't," I said. "I'm going to leave it to you. Choose which you
+like."
+
+"I've chosen," she said with an air of finality.
+
+"Well," said Alison, when I reached home that evening, "it's up."
+
+"Up?" I said. "The new paper, already?"
+
+"Come and see," Alison said.
+
+"By Jove, how well it looks!" I said. "You've chosen well. There's
+something familiar about it, though it looks almost new."
+
+"Yes," said Alison, "Ellen and I cleaned it all over with bread-crumbs."
+
+"Poor Lord Bayswater," I said. "But you've done the right thing.
+Wall-paper as usual during the War."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE
+SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First dangerous Mule (to second ditto)._ "DON'T YOU GO
+NEAR HER, MATE--SHE'LL KICK YER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The annual agricultural returns show that the increased area in
+    England and Wales of corn and potatoes for the present harvest
+    amount to no less than 347,0000 acres. This result exceeds all
+    expectations."
+
+_Bradford Daily Argus_.
+
+We can well believe it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a sale advertisement:--
+
+    "LACE DEPT.
+
+    Ladies' Overalls and Breeches for the farm, garden, or home use,
+    reduced in Price."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Cooler and cooler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Angry Lady (on being told that Fido's favourite biscuits
+are now unobtainable)._
+
+"NOTHING BUT THESE! REALLY, THIS WAR IS GETTING BEYOND A JOKE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SKILLY."
+
+Prior to "Skilly" being taken on the regimental strength, our canteen
+was the paradise of a battalion of mice, from whose nightly raids
+nothing was sacred. But from the day "Skilly" enlisted the marauders
+became less and less obtrusive. And "Skilly" grew sleek.
+
+Then came a time of scarcity. Mice fought shy of the canteen, and
+"Skilly" visibly suffered from lack of nourishment. A sergeant's wife
+provided welcome hospitality; but no sooner was "Skilly" billeted
+outside the canteen than the plague returned, and so she was recalled
+urgently to active service. Again was the enemy routed; but again came
+the wilting-time of dire want. Virtue, however, did not go unrewarded a
+second time. "Skilly" had earned honourable mention, and representations
+to the proper quarters resulted in an order that she should be rationed
+so long as she remained on canteen duty.
+
+With times of ease came time for love. In due course "Skilly" presented
+an absentee and unidentifiable spouse with five bouncing baby kittens.
+Throughout their extreme infancy the family throve; but the time came
+when the devoted mother was no longer able to supply sufficient
+nutriment for five lusty youngsters. Clearly something must be done, and
+the canteen sergeant was the man to do it. He sent in a proper formal
+application to the regimental powers, requesting that increased feline
+rations be ordered as "subsistence for Canteen Skilly and family of
+five."
+
+Time passed, and--let this be read and remembered by all carping critics
+who accuse our army of want of method and business sense--in due course
+the application was returned, properly entered, checked, signed and
+counter-signed. The verdict run thus: "Application on behalf of Canteen
+Skilly refused, as apparently she married off the strength of the
+regiment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "No youth should be regarded educationally as a finished article
+    at 1 years of age." _Yorkshire Post._
+
+Mr. Fisher will be pleased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A MERRY HEART GOES ALL THE DAY."
+
+  I jogged along the footpath way
+    And leant against the stile;
+  "A merry heart goes all the day,"
+  Stoutly I sang the old refrain;
+  My own heart mocked me back again,
+    "Yet tire you in a mile!"
+
+  Well may I tire, that stand alone
+    And turn a wistful glance
+  On each remembered tree and stone,
+  Familiar landmarks of a road
+  Where once so light of heart I strode
+    With one who sleeps in France.
+
+  Heavily on the stile I lean,
+    Not as we leant of yore,
+  To drink the beauty of the scene,
+  Glory of green and blue and gold,
+  Shadow and gleam on wood and wold
+    That he will see no more.
+
+  Then came from somewhere far afield
+    A song of thrush unseen,
+  And suddenly there stood revealed
+  (Oh heart so merry, song so true!)
+  A day when we shall walk, we two,
+    Where other worlds are green.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REVIEWS FOR ----.
+
+_(A specimen article for the use of those editors who have come to the
+realisation that the contents of our heavier periodicals never change.
+All that is needed is the insertion of the right month and the survey
+can be used as a serial.)_
+
+In _The Umteenth Century and Forever_, which is, as usual, alert and
+interesting, the place of honour is given to an article by Sir Vincent
+Stodge, M.P., on "Proportional Representation in New Patagonia." Sir
+Vincent's argument may or may not convince, but it is succinctly stated.
+Sir ERNEST CASSEL writes usefully on "Economy for Cottagers," and Lord
+Sopwith, in a paper on "Air Raids and Glowworms," shows how important it
+is that on dark nights there should be some compulsory extinction of the
+light of these dangerous and, he fears, pro-German, insects. Mr. HARRY
+DE WINDT describes "Galicia as I Knew It," and there are suggestive
+papers on "The Probable Course of History for the next Three Centuries,"
+by the Dean of LINCOLN; "Potatoes as Food," by Sir WALTER RALEIGH; and
+"Hair in Relation to Eminence," by Dr. SALEEBY, in which all the strong
+men in history famous for their locks, from SAMSON to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
+are passed in review. An excellent number, full of mental nutriment, is
+brought to a close by a symposium of Bishops on the petrol restrictions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a strange coincidence _The Shortsightly_ also has a valuable paper on
+"Proportional Representation," by Mr. and Mrs. C.N. WILLIAMSON, who thus
+make their bow for the first time among what might be called our
+thinking novelists, their effort being in some degree balanced by an
+essay in the same number from so inveterate a politician as Mr. J.M.
+HOGGE, M.P., on the "Wit and Humour of WILLIAM LE QUEUX." There is also
+an anonymous article of great power on "Conscientious Objectors as Food
+for Racehorses," which should cause discussion, both by reason of its
+arguments and also through the secret of its authorship, which to the
+initiated is only of course a _secret de Polichinelle_. For the rest we
+content ourselves with drawing attention to "The Small Holding," by Lord
+PIRRIE; "Women and Tobacco," by the Manager of the Piccadilly Hotel;
+"Feud Control," by Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, M.P.; "Russia as I knew it," by
+Mr. HARRY DE WINDT; and "The Spirit of Ireland," by Sir JOHN POWER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Peremptory Review_ opens with Lord CURZON'S well-reasoned appeal to
+Labour to relinquish its attitude of criticism and trust the powers that
+be. Other notable articles deal with the possible effect of woman's
+franchise on the cult of Pekinese spaniels, the case pro and con. for a
+tunnel under St. George's Channel, and the philosophy of E. PHILLIPS
+OPPENHEIM. Mr. HARRY DE WINDT writes of "Serbia as I Knew It." A
+spirited attack on the MINISTER of MUNITIONS by the Editor of _The
+Morning Post_ brings an excellent number to a close.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Backwood's_ is, as usual, strong in the martial element, and is further
+proof that in the present conflict there is no excluding rivalry between
+pen and sword, but plenty of room for both. The article wittily
+entitled, "Mess-up-otamia" should be read by everyone who is not tired
+of that theme. The trenchant author of "Reflections without Rancour"
+displays his customary vigilance as a censor of _bêtes noires_, not
+sparing the whip even when some of the animals are dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the ever iconoclastic and live _Gnashing All Review_ Mr. Smacksy is,
+as usual, at his most vigorous. Among the statesmen who come in for his
+attacks are Mr. ASQUITH and Lord HALDANE, both of whom are probably by
+now quite inured to his blows. Nothing could be more amusing than the
+renewed play which is made with the phrase, "spiritual home." Mr.
+Smacksy has also something to say to members of what might be called his
+own Party. Other articles deal with "The Psychology of the Pacifist," a
+trenchant exposure; "The Teeth of American Presidents," which contains a
+number of curious statistics; "The Film and the Future," by Viscount
+CHAPLIN; "The Honours List," in which the anonymous writer makes the
+revolutionary suggestion that the KING'S birthday should in future be
+marked by the withdrawal of old titles instead of the conferring of new.
+Mr. HARRY DE WINDT descries "Roumania as I Knew It"; "A Suggestion for
+the Settlement of the Irish Problem" is offered by Mr. GINNELL, M.P.;
+and Mr. C.B. COCHRAN utters a disinterested plea for "The Small
+Theatre."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Jinglish Review_, also famous for the activity of its fighting
+editor, has no fewer than four articles from his pen, of which the least
+negligible is perhaps that of "The Partition of Europe after the War."
+The others deal with "The Real Germany," "Sunday Journalism as a World
+Asset," and "HORATIO BOTTOMLEY the Prophet." Other contributions in a
+varied number include a series of votive verses to Mr. EDWARD MARSH,
+C.B., by a band of Georgian poets, on the occasion of his resumption of
+his duties as private secretary to Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A charming
+study of leprosy, translated from the Russian of Lugubriski, brings the
+number to a close.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONDON PRIDE.
+
+  Upon a lily-laden tide,
+  Where galleons rocked with sails blown wide
+    And white swans gleamed, there was a city
+  Whose citizens called "London Pride"
+    The flower that some call "None-so-Pretty."
+
+  It grew beside the frowning tower,
+  By RALEGH'S walk and BOLEYN'S bower,
+    As frail as joy, as sweet as pity;
+  And "London Pride" they called that flower
+    Which country folk call "None-so-Pretty."
+
+  When London lads made holiday
+  In dewy hours o' th' month o' May,
+    And footed it with Moll and Kitty,
+  Among the maypole garlands gay
+    Be sure they plaited "None-so-Pretty."
+
+  When London lads in battle bent
+  Their bows beside the bows of Kent
+    ('Tis told in many a gallant ditty)
+  Their caps were tufted as they went
+    With "London Pride" or "None-so-Pretty."
+
+  Oh, London is what London was,
+  And mighty food for pride she has;
+    Her saints are wise, her sinners witty,
+  And Picard clay and Flemish grass
+    Are sweet with stars of "None-so-Pretty."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SAMMIES."
+
+_À propos_ of the note in our issue of August 1st, a Correspondent
+suggests that the Americans might go into action to the tune of "Tommy
+make room for your Uncle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Leghorn pullet, belonging to Mrs. G.R. Bell, of Coxhoe,
+    Durham, has laid an egg 3-1/4 oz. in weight, 7-1/2 in. in
+    diameter, and 6-1/4 in. in circumference."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+Most interesting and novel, but very disconcerting to the
+mathematicians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The procession was headed by the choristers and songmen, and
+    included the surplus clergy and the Very Rev. the Dean."
+
+    _Yorkshire Herald._
+
+No support here, you will note, for the recent suggestion that Deans are
+superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FAILURE OF THE FILM-THRILL.
+
+PATIENTS FROM THE LATEST PUSH AT THE PICTURES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DUELLING EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+The contemplated single-stick encounter between Colonel ARCHER-SHEE and
+Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING recalls to mind a ludicrous affair which actually
+happened some years ago in a foreign city which I will here call
+Killemalivo.
+
+Mr. Alec McTavish, a Briton many years resident in that fair capital and
+editor of the only English newspaper, had taken up stout verbal cudgels
+on behalf of the Americans, who had been viciously attacked in the
+columns of a local "daily." The United States of the North, in its
+capacity of "special" to the entire American continent, comes in for
+plenty of abuse when a new revolution is about to be perpetrated.
+
+The strife had waxed fast and furious and eventually had taken on a
+personal tone, the editor of _La Muera_ accusing the editor of the
+English paper of being "that lowest of all living things--a Texan." It
+will be remembered that in times gone by the State of Texas decided to
+desert its Latin parents and roost under the shadow of the eagle's wing,
+thereby earning for itself prosperity and an evil reputation--in certain
+quarters.
+
+McTavish's editorial reply was a gem of satire and displayed an intimate
+knowledge of the antecedents of the rival editor.
+
+At that time duelling was still prevalent, and it was not many days
+before the editorial sanctum of _The Tribune_ was honoured by the visit
+of two officers in full-dress uniform.
+
+The eventual outcome of their visit was that Mr. McTavish found himself
+pledged to fight a duel with a man who was, among other things, a
+first-class pistol shot and exceptionally expert with the "florette,"
+all of which McTavish was not.
+
+The affair looked particularly unpleasant--to McTavish, who was short,
+fat, and by no means young. But the dignity of the foreign population as
+represented by the editor of _The Killemalivo Tribune_ must of necessity
+be upheld.
+
+Faced by this quite unusual difficulty, McTavish bethought him of his
+old and tried friend, General O'Flynnone, an Irish-American of many
+years' residence in the Latin Americas. No one seemed to know his real
+name, and the title of General had come to him from his last place.
+
+The General was delighted at the turn of events, agreed to be McTavish's
+second, and promised to get him through the affair with a whole skin and
+no loss of honour.
+
+As the challenged party McTavish had choice of weapons, which was the
+crux of the situation, as the General pointed out.
+
+Among the Killemalivo aristocracy the favourite weapons were the
+duelling pistol and the "florette," or rapier. The "pelado," or lower
+orders, preferred the "lingua de vaca," which means literally "cow's
+tongue," a nasty-looking knife of no mean proportions.
+
+As O'Flynnone explained, the duel would have to be fought with "killing
+weapons"; nothing else would satisfy the bloodthirsty editor. Meanwhile
+he would think on the matter, and he advised McTavish to do likewise.
+
+The following were the most unpleasant days of his life, as McTavish
+confessed afterwards. He was not a "conscientious objector," but he had
+no pressing wish to exterminate his opponent, as that would have
+necessitated a sudden and forcible exile from the land of his adoption;
+still less did he fancy an early demise in the interests of his paper.
+
+Meanwhile the General visited the rival editor's seconds and arranged
+for a meeting in his own rooms to discuss final conditions.
+
+O'Flynnone's rooms contained, among other things, a collection of
+curious and ancient weapons. The walls were decorated with all sorts and
+conditions of strange and barbarous instruments of slaughter; Zulu
+assegais, Afghan knives and Burmese swords hung in savage array.
+
+The meeting took place on the following Sunday afternoon. The officers
+greeted the General agreeably enough, but saluted McTavish with the
+stiffness that the occasion called for.
+
+"Well, Señores," commenced the General, after depositing his visitors in
+the most comfortable chairs, "to business. Mr. McTavish, as you will
+admit, has the choice of weapons."
+
+The officers nodded assent.
+
+"This gentleman," continued O'Flynnone, "comes of that most noble and
+warlike race--the Scotch. Fiercest of fighters, although they do not
+sometimes look it, the warriors of Scotland alone among all nations
+withstood the ravages of the conquering English. I feel sorry, very
+sorry for the 'caballero' whom you have the honour to represent."
+
+The pause which followed was most impressive. The General's air was
+suggestive of dire things, as with dramatic suddenness he produced from
+beneath the sideboard two enormous double-edged battle-axes, which
+careful polishing had made to shine as new.
+
+"These," said he, "are the weapons which Mr. McTavish has
+chosen--weapons of men, such as they use in his own country," he
+continued, brandishing one of them savagely. "And the fight will be on
+barebacked horses, for such is the custom of the Scotch."
+
+The duel did not occur.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GAME OF HIS LIFE.
+
+I met the mercurial Gosling at the club a few days ago. As I hadn't seen
+him for some time I asked if he had been on a holiday. "Yes," he said,
+"down at Shinglestrand. Golfing? No--yes. I did play one game, the first
+since the War, and rather a remarkable game it was. I'm a member of the
+golf-club there, and was down at the clubhouse one morning looking at
+the papers when a fat middle-aged man, about my age, asked me if I cared
+for a game. I didn't, but in a spirit of self-sacrifice said that I
+should be very glad. 'I think I ought to tell you,' he went on, 'that I
+don't care about playing with a 18-handicap man, and that I always like
+to have a sovereign on the match.' Now I never was much of a player--too
+erratic, I suppose. My handicap has gone up from 12 to 18, and the last
+time I played it was about 24. But, exasperated by his swank, I suddenly
+found myself saying, 'My handicap is 12.' 'Very well,' replied the fat
+man, 'I'll give you 4 strokes.' We went out to the first tee, and after
+he had made a moderate shot I hit the drive of my life. My second landed
+on the green and I ran down a long putt--this for a 4-bogey hole. I'm
+not going to bore you with details. I won the second and third holes,
+and then the fat man went to pieces. I never wanted any of my strokes
+and downed him by 5 and 3. As we re-entered the club-house my partner,
+who had become strangely silent, walked up to the board which gives the
+list of handicaps and looked at them. There was my name with 18 opposite
+it. 'I thought you said your handicap was 12,' he observed. 'Well,' I
+answered, 'it wasn't more than that this morning.' The fat man was very
+angry. He said he would report me to the committee, and he did. But the
+secretary (who happens to be my brother) played up nobly. He
+communicated with the secretary of the fat man's club, whom he happened
+to know, and, having found out that the fat man's handicap was not 6 but
+12, he wrote to him to say that in view of the fact that 'the lies had
+been equally bad on both sides' the committee did not propose to take
+any action. The fat man got no change out of my brother and I kept my
+sovereign."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Globe Trotters.
+
+  "Mr. and Mrs. ----, of Knysna, are on a
+  visit to Knysna."--_South African Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAYOR AND CORPORATION OF SPARKLINGTON-ON-SEA SOLEMNLY
+TOUCHING WOOD ON THE OCCASION OF THEIR SENDING OUT TO THE PRESS A NOTICE
+THAT THEIR TOWN HAS NEVER SUFFERED FROM ENEMY AIR-RAIDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+V.A.D.
+
+  There's an angel in our ward as keeps a-flittin' to and fro
+  With fifty eyes upon 'er wherever she may go;
+  She's as pretty as a picture and as bright as mercury,
+  And she wears the cap and apron of a V.A.D.
+
+  The Matron she is gracious and the Sister she is kind,
+  But they wasn't born just yesterday and lets you know their mind;
+  The M.O. and the Padre is as thoughtful as can be,
+  But they ain't so good to look at as our V.A.D.
+
+  She's a honourable miss because 'er father is a dook,
+  But, Lord, you'd never guess it and it ain't no good to look
+  For 'er portrait in the illustrated papers, for you see
+  She ain't an advertiser, not _our_ V.A.D.
+
+  Not like them that wash a tea-cup in an orficer's canteen
+  And then "Engaged in War Work" in the weekly Press is seen;
+  She's on the trot from morn to night and busy as a bee,
+  And there's 'eaps of wounded Tommies bless that V.A.D.
+
+  She's the lightest 'and at dressin's and she polishes the floor,
+  She feeds Bill Smith who'll never never use 'is 'ands no more;
+  And we're all of us supporters of the harristocracy
+  'Cos our weary days are lightened by that V.A.D.
+
+  And when the War is over, some knight or belted earl,
+  What's survived from killin' Germans, will take 'er for 'is girl;
+  They'll go and see the pictures and then 'ave shrimps and tea;
+  'E's a lucky man as gets 'er--and don't I wish 'twas me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In _No Man's Land_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is revealed a breadth of
+vision which may astonish some of us who have been inclined to regard
+SAPPER as merely a talented story-teller. Among the writers on the War I
+place him first, for the simple reason that I like him best; and I am
+not at all sure that I should like him any better if he cured himself of
+his cardinal fault. With his tongue in his cheek he dashes away from his
+story to give us either a long or short digression; no more confirmed
+digressionist ever put pen to paper, and the wonderful thing is that
+these wanton excursions are worth following. True he often apologises
+for them, but I do not think that we need take these apologies
+seriously. This book is divided into four parts, "The Way to the Land,"
+"The Land," "Seed Time," and "Harvest," and in "Seed Time," at any rate,
+we have a series of chapters which require not only to be read but to be
+thought over. But whether he is out for fun, as in "Bendigo Jones--His
+Tree," or for pathos, as in "Morphia," he obtains his effects without
+the smallest appearance of effort. And I reserve a special word of
+praise for "My Lady of the Jasmine," and commend it to the notice of
+those pessimists who hold that only the French and the Americans can
+write a good short story. Thank the powers that be for SAPPER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Loom of Youth_ (GRANT RICHARDS) is yet another school story, but
+with a difference, the difference being, partly at least, that it is
+written by one who has so lately ceased to belong himself to the life
+described that his account must carry an authority altogether unusual.
+Here, one feels, is that strange and so-soon-forgotten country revealed
+for us from within, and by a native denizen. For this alone Mr. ALEC
+WAUGH'S book merits the epithet remarkable; indeed, considered as the
+work of "a lad of seventeen," its vitality, discretion and general
+maturity of tone seem little short of amazing. Realism is the note of
+it. The modern schoolboy, as Mr. WAUGH paints him, employs, for example,
+a vocabulary whose frequency, and freedom may possibly startle the
+parental reader. Apart from this one might call the book an indictment
+of hero-worship, as heroism is understood in a society where (still!)
+athletic eminence places its possessor above all laws. This in itself is
+so old an educational problem that it is interesting to find it handled
+afresh in a study of ultra-modern boyhood. The actual matter of the
+tale, individual character in its reaction to system, is naturally
+common to most school stories; but even here Mr. WAUGH has contrived to
+give an ending both original and sincere. Prophecy is dangerous; but
+from a writer who has proved so brilliantly that, for once, _jeunesse
+peut_, one seems justified in hoping that enlarged experience will
+result in work of the highest quality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Quite a host of moral reflections, none of them very original, flock to
+one's mind in considering by what devious ways our Italian allies came
+to range themselves on the side of that freedom which they have always
+loved as well and bravely as any of the rest of us. For instance--a very
+stale reflection--one sees Germany overdoing her own cleverness and
+under-rating that of her neighbours--this more especially in her
+arrogant dominance of Italy's commerce; further, one notices the Hun's
+Belgian brutalities costing him dear in a quarter least expected; and
+again one realises Italy's decision as a thing mainly dependent, in
+spite of all Germany's taking little ways, on a righteous hatred of
+Austria--a consideration which brings one surprisingly near to gratitude
+towards the big-bully Government of Vienna. Our southern ally's loyalty
+to her beautiful "unredeemed" provinces, and her claim, which all
+right-minded Englishmen (I include myself) most heartily endorse, to
+dominate the historically Italian waters of the Adriatic, happily proved
+too strong for a machine-made sympathy for Berlin based on nothing
+better than a superficial resemblance between the histories of Piedmont
+and Prussia, and a record of nominal alliance with powers whose respect
+for paper treaties was always fairly apparent. All the same, in reading
+Mr. W. KAY WALLACE'S essay in recent history, _Greater Italy_
+(CONSTABLE), a volume which I cannot too strongly commend for its
+admirable way of telling these and similar things, I am struck most of
+all by the super-incumbent mass of Germanism that had to be burst
+asunder before the true Italy broke free. The story of that liberation
+is romance of an amazing order, for in it one sees the very soul of a
+great and ancient people struggling to renewal of life. It is more than
+good to have such an ally, it is an inspiration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Allotment Tripper._ "THIS HERE NORTH SEA DON'T HALF WANT
+WEEDING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you wish to complete your knowledge of the working of our new armies
+and learn something of the business of the A.S.C. you can do so without
+being bored in _L. of C._ (CONSTABLE), by Captain JAMES AGATE. The
+author is one of that bright band of Mancunians which _The Manchester
+Guardian_ has attached to its august fringes. He writes of the business
+in hand, the vagaries of stores and indents and mere men and brass hats,
+on this and the other side of the Channel, all with a very light and
+engaging pen, and then spreads himself on any old far-off thing that
+interests him, such as the theatre, perhaps a little self-consciously
+and with a pleasant air of swagger most forgivable and, indeed,
+enjoyable. His chief preoccupation is with art and letters, it is clear;
+but, turning from them to the handling of urgent things and difficult
+men, he faces the business manfully. Of the men in particular he has
+illuminating things to say, redounding to their credit and, by
+implication, to his. To those who appreciate form in penwork this book
+may be safely recommended.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Welcome.
+
+    "Mr. F.H. ----, the newly co-opted member of the Hampstead Board
+    of Guardians, attended his first meeting of the Board on
+    Thursday, and lost his umbrella."--_Hampstead and Highgate
+    Express._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BEET COMMISSION CONCLUDES BUSINESS.
+
+    Petrograd, July 9.--Except for a few final conferences with the
+    members of the Russian Government, the work here of the Root
+    Commission virtually has been concluded."
+
+    _The Daily Gleaner (Jamaica)._
+
+How headlines jump to conclusions! The Hon. ELIHU ROOT is, we feel
+confident, anything but beet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Parish Magazine:--
+
+    "BOY SCOUTS.--The troop held their annual sports on Saturday....
+    The burden of arrangements for all fell upon the Scoutmaster
+    (Rev. ----), and showed how great is the need for him to have
+    some capable assistants."
+
+Still, was it quite tactful to say so?
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+153, Aug 15, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 ***
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Aug 15, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Aug 15, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 19, 2004 [EBook #11169]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 153.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>AUGUST 15th, 1917.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" id="page107"></a>[pg
+107]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+<p>"In the heroic days of 1914," says Count REVENTLOW, "God gave us
+our daily bread and our daily victory." We feel sure that, as
+regards the provision of victories, some recognition ought to be
+made of the able assistance of the WOLFF Bureau.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We read with some surprise that, in the motor collision in which
+he participated recently, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S car <i>was run
+into</i> by another coming in the opposite direction. This is not
+the Antwerp spirit that the Munitions Department is waiting
+for.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A movement is on foot for the presentation of a suitable
+testimonial to the people of Dundee for returning Mr. CHURCHILL to
+Parliament, after being distinctly requested not to do so by a
+certain morning paper.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What shall we do with the Allotment Harvest?" asks <i>The
+Evening News</i>. It seems only too probable that, unless a
+national effort is made to preserve them, some of the world's
+noblest vegetables will have to be eaten.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Just as a soldier gives his valour or a captain of industry his
+talent," said Lord CURZON, speaking on the sale of titles, "so a
+wealthy man gives his wealth, which is very often his only asset,
+for the benefit of his country." Nothing like a delicate compliment
+or two to encourage him in the good work.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lively correspondence has been filling the columns of a
+contemporary under the heading, "The Facts about Bacon." The
+discussion seems to have turned upon the famous line, "There's
+something rotten from the state of Denmark."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sixpenny paper notes are now being issued in various parts of
+Germany. If you can't find anything to buy with them you can use
+them to patch the new paper trousers.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Judging by his recent speech, Herr VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has lost
+heart and found a liver.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a recent inquest it was stated that a doctor had prepared a
+death certificate while deceased was still alive. The subsequent
+correct behaviour of the patient is regarded as a distinct feather
+in the medical profession's cap.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A nephew of Field-Marshal VON HINDENBUBG has just joined the
+United States Navy, but the rumour that upon hearing this
+HINDENBURG tried to look severe is of course an impossible
+story.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The sum of sixty pounds has been taken from the Ransom Lane Post
+Office, Hull, and burglars are reminded that withdrawals of money
+from the Post Office cannot in future be allowed unless application
+is first made on the prescribed form.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Baron SONNINO, the Italian Minister for Foreign Affairs, was
+accorded a truly British welcome on his arrival in this country. It
+rained all day.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It appears from a weekly paper that the KAISER is fond of nice
+quiet amusement. If this is so we cannot understand his refusal to
+have a Reichstag run on lines similar to the British
+Parliament.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sir EDWARD CARSON'S physical recreations, says <i>The Daily
+Mail</i>, are officially stated to be riding, golf and cycling.
+Unofficially, we believe, he has occasionally done some
+drilling.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>At a recent pacifist meeting in Bristol Councillor THOMPSON
+declared that he was with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in the South African
+War, but was against him in the present campaign. The authorities
+are doing their best to keep the news from the PREMIER.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man at Tottenham has been fined five pounds for feeding a
+horse with bread. We understand that action was taken on the
+initiative of the R.S.P.C.A.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The German Government is doing everything possible to curry
+favour with its people. It has now commandeered all stocks of
+soap.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Bermondsey house of amusement has organised a competition, in
+which the competitors have to eat a pudding with their hands tied.
+This of course is a great improvement on the modern and more
+difficult game of trying to eat a lump of sugar in a restaurant
+with full use of the hands, and even legs.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An official notice in the British Museum Library states that
+readers will incur little risk during air raids, "except from a
+bomb that bursts in the room." It is the ability to think out
+things like this which raises the official mind so high above the
+ordinary.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The German Government, says the <i>Gazette de Lausanne</i>, is
+establishing a regular business base in Berne. We have no illusions
+as to the base business that will be conducted from it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"When a German travels round the world," said Dr. MICHAELIS in a
+lecture delivered twenty-five years ago, "he cannot help being
+terribly envious of England." Funnily enough he is as envious as
+ever, even though the opportunities for travel are no longer
+available.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When the Folkestone raid syren goes off, a man told the Dover
+Council, it blows your hat off. On the other hand if it doesn't go
+off you may not have anywhere to wear a hat, so what are you to
+do?</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Willesden allotment-holders are complaining of a shortage of
+male blooms on their vegetable-marrow plants. This is the first
+intimation we have had of the calling-up of this class.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href=
+"images/107.png"><img width="100%" src="images/107.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p>"NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE SIGNIFY
+THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page108" name="page108"></a>[pg
+108]</span>
+<h2>THRILLS FROM THE TERMINI.</h2>
+<p>Mr. Punch, following the example of his daily contemporaries,
+despatched a representative to some of the great London termini to
+note the August exodus from town. The following thrilling report is
+to hand:&mdash;</p>
+<p>At Waterton and Paddingloo great crowds continued to board the
+limited number of West-bound and South-west-bound trains. On being
+asked why they were leaving town, those of the travellers who
+answered at all said it was the regular time for their annual
+holiday and they wanted a change. They were mostly a jolly hearty
+lot, happily confident that at some time in the course of the next
+forty-eight hours they would be deposited in some part of the West
+or South-west of England. Those fortunate persons who had secured
+seats were sitting down, those who were unable to get seats were
+standing, and, in spite of the congested state of the carriages and
+corridors, almost all were smiling, the exceptions being those
+highly-strung and excitable passengers who had come to blows over
+corner seats and windows up or down. Many of the travellers carried
+baskets of food. Your representative, anxious to report on the
+quality and quantity of the provisions carried, ventured to peep
+into one of the baskets, and was in consequence involved in a
+rather unpleasant affair, being actually accused of having
+abstracted a sandwich!</p>
+<p>The engine-driver, questioned as to whether he liked having
+passengers on the engine and whether he considered it safe for
+them, was understood to say that so long as they didn't get in his
+way it didn't matter to him, and as to its being safe for them, he
+jolly well didn't care whether it was safe for them or not. The
+guard, detained by the sleeve by your representative, who inquired
+how he felt about being almost crowded out of his brake by
+passengers, drew away his sleeve with some violence and his answer
+was quite unworthy to be reported. An elderly but strongly-built
+porter, with the luggage of fourteen families on his truck, and the
+fourteen families surrounding him and all talking at once, was
+approached by your representative for a little quiet chat, but he
+became so threatening that it was thought advisable to leave him
+alone.</p>
+<p>At Ticvoria Station your representative found a seething mob
+intent on getting to those ever popular and already much
+overcrowded South-coast resorts, Paradeville, Shingleton-on-Sea,
+Promenade Bay, etc. The eleven-o'clock "Paradeville fast," due to
+start in half-an-hour, was at No. 20 platform. All sitting and
+standing room had been occupied for some hours, and the passengers
+were enjoying the sport of seeing the later arrivals running the
+whole length of the train and back again in the mad hope of finding
+places. Your representative managed to get a word with some of
+these later arrivals, and asked them how they liked running up and
+down, and whether they were much disappointed at not finding room;
+but the answers were mostly unsatisfactory and in some cases
+uncivil. The booking-clerk, questioned as to the phraseology
+employed by August holiday folk in asking for their tickets,
+whether it is "Third return, please," or "Third return," or "Third
+return and look sharp," showed by his answer that the expression
+"please" is falling into desuetude on these occasions, his exact
+words being "There's precious little 'please' knocking about, and
+anyone who has the cheek to tell me to 'look sharp' is jolly well
+kept waiting till the last!" Your representative, wishing to report
+at first-hand the experience of those who were travelling thirty in
+a compartment meant to accommodate ten in the "Paradeville fast,"
+tried to get in and make a thirty-first, explaining that it was
+only for a minute and was with the object of getting local colour,
+but was forcibly expelled, and, falling on the platform and
+sustaining some slight contusions, decided to cease reporting on
+August scenes at the great termini for that day.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page109" name="page109"></a>[pg
+109]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/109.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE NEW LOAF.</h3>
+MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "LUCKY RHONDDA! BUT I TAUGHT HIM THOSE
+NUMBERS."
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>TWO DUMB WARRIORS.</h2>
+<h4>I.&mdash;HYLDEBRAND.</h4>
+<p>When the Heatherdale Hussars received a two-hours' notice to
+"trek" they, of course, dumped their mascot, Hyldebrand, a
+six-months-old wild boar, at the Town Major's. They would have done
+the same with a baby or a full-grown hippopotamus. The harassed
+T.M. discovered Hyldebrand in the next stable to his slightly
+hysterical horse the morning after the H.H. had evacuated, and
+informed me (his village Sanitary Inspector) that "as I was fond of
+animals" (he had seen me distributing fly-traps and painting
+horse-trough notice-boards) I was henceforth in sole command of
+Hyldebrand until such time as his owners should reclaim him. A
+grant of five sous <i>per diem</i> had been left for the piglette's
+maintenance.</p>
+<p>I took charge of Hyldebrand, provided an old dog-kennel for his
+shelter, an older dog-collar for his adornment and six yards of
+"flex" for his restraint. I further appointed the runner&mdash;a
+youth from Huddersfield, nicknamed "Isinglass," in playful
+sarcastic comment on his speed&mdash;second in command. He was to
+feed, groom and exercise Hyldebrand. I would inspect Hyldebrand
+twice a week.</p>
+<p>Hyldebrand rose fast in village popularity. One forgot that his
+parents had been shot for cattle maiming, body snatching, breaking
+into granaries and defying the gendarmerie on the public roads. But
+Hyldy was all docility. He ate his way through the grant, the
+office stationery, and the central tin dump with the most disarming
+<i>na&iuml;v&eacute;t&eacute;</i>. He was the spoilt darling of
+every mess. The reflected glory which Isinglass and myself enjoyed
+was positively embarrassing.</p>
+<p>But as the summer advanced so did Hyldebrand. He became (to
+quote his keeper) a "battle pig," with the head of a pantomime
+dragon, fore-quarters of a bison, the hind-legs of a deer and a
+back like an heraldic scrubbing-brush. In March I had inspected him
+as he sat upon my knee. In June I shook hands with him as he
+strained at his tether. In mid-September we nodded to each other
+from opposite sides of a barbed wire fence. Yet Isinglass retained
+the most complete mastery of his ferocious-looking
+prot&eacute;g&eacute;, and beneath his skilful massage Hyldebrand
+would throw himself upon the ground and guggle in a porcine
+ecstacy.</p>
+<p>One sunny afternoon, when there had come upon the little village
+street the inevitable hush which preceded Hyldebrand's hour for
+exercise, I espied the village cripple making for his home with the
+celerity of an A 1 man. He glared reproachfully at me, and, with an
+exclamation of "<i>Sacr&eacute; sanglier!</i>" vanished in the open
+doorway of the local boulangerie, that being nearer than his
+cottage. Then came Hyldebrand, froth on his snout and murder in his
+little eyes, and after him Isinglass more than living up to his
+equine namesake. I joined him, and, following Hyldy in a cloud of
+dust, the runner informed me between gasps that it was "along of
+burning his snout-raking for a bully-beef tin in the
+insinuator."</p>
+<p>A band outside B Mess was nearing the climax of GRIEG'S "Peer
+Gynt" suite. Hyldebrand just failed to perpetrate the time-worn gag
+of jumping through the big drum, but he contrived to make that
+final crashing chord sound like the last sneeze of a giant dying of
+hay-fever. The rest the crowd saw through a film of dust.
+Hyldebrand headed for the turning by the school, reached it as the
+gates opened to release young France, and comedy would have turned
+to tragedy but for the point duty M.P. and his revolver.</p>
+<p>There was a note and a parcel for <span class="pagenum"><a id=
+"page111" name="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span> me a day or so after.
+The note, which was addressed to and had been opened by the T.M.,
+stated that Hyldebrand was being sent for by the Heatherdale
+Hussars on the morrow. Outside the parcel was scrawled, above the
+initials of the G.H.Q. officers' cook, a friend of mine, "It's top
+hole&mdash;try it with a drop of sauce." Inside was a cold pork
+chop!</p>
+<h4>II.&mdash;ERMYNTRUDE.</h4>
+<p>It so happened in a quiet part of the line that men were scarce
+and work abundant, so it was decided to use mules to carry the
+rations further than usual. All went well until one night when
+friend Fritz changed his habits and put some assorted fireworks
+rather near the mules.</p>
+<p>Now the transport, being human and moreover unaccustomed to
+fireworks, disliked this entertainment. Therefore they sought what
+shelter they could. In a few minutes the Hun repented, but no mules
+and no rations could the transport see. Moreover it began to rain.
+So back they went and spoke at great length of the hundreds of
+seventeen-inch which had blown up all the mules.</p>
+<p>The morning began to come and a machine-gun subaltern, looking
+at a black East in search of daylight, so that he might say, "It is
+now light; I may go to bed," was somewhat startled. "For," he said,
+"I have received shocks as the result of too much whisky of old,
+but from a split tea and chloride of lime&mdash;no! It must be the
+pork and beans." However, he collected eight puzzled but peaceful
+mules and handed them to a still more bewildered adjutant, who knew
+not if they were "trench stores" or "articles to be returned to
+salvage."</p>
+<p>In the meanwhile the Transport Officer was making inquiries, and
+he recovered the eight mules. "All," he said, "are back, except
+Ermyntrude. I grieve for Ermyntrude, but still more for my driver's
+fate."</p>
+<p>Where Ermyntrude spent the day no one knows. All that is known
+is of her conduct the next night. About eleven o'clock she stepped
+on a shelter, and, being a heavy mule, came into the trench
+abruptly. This worried but did not hurt her, and she proceeded down
+the trench at a steady trot, bumping into the traverses. She met a
+ration party, and for the first time in their lives they took
+refuge over the top, for Ermyntrude was angry.</p>
+<p>Ermyntrude reached the end of the trench and somehow got out,
+heading, by chance, for Germany. That was her undoing. In a minute
+or so three machine-guns began firing, bombs and rifle shots were
+heard, and Verey lights innumerable flared. We never saw Ermyntrude
+again. But we heard of her&mdash;or rather we read of her&mdash;for
+the German official report wrote her epitaph, thus: "Near the
+village of &mdash;&mdash; hostile raiding detachments were repulsed
+by our machine-gun fire."</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/111.png"><img width="100%" src="images/111.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<i>Monica (Taken in to See Her Mother and Her New Sister, Who is
+Fretful&mdash;to Nurse)</i>. "TAKE HER AWAY AND BRING ONE THAT
+DOESN'T CRY."
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>MOTTO FOR ALLOTMENT-HOLDERS.</h3>
+<center>"LET US SPRAY."</center><br />
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"We welcome back to a position he once filled so well,
+the Rev. &mdash;&mdash;, who is taking on the pork of the parish
+for the duration of the war."&mdash;<i>Bath and Wilts
+Chronicle</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We trust it will agree with him.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"WANTED, a Very Plain Girl, very good references and
+photo asked, to care for three children and do
+housework."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>You can almost see the green-eyed monster lurking in the
+background.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page112" name="page112"></a>[pg
+112]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/112.png"><img width="100%" src="images/112.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Soulful Soldier (carried away by red sunset).</i> "BY JOVE!
+LOOK AT THAT! ISN'T IT GLORIOUS?"</p>
+<p><i>His Tent Mate.</i> "YUS. ANOTHER MUCKIN' 'OT DAY
+TO-MORRER."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+<h5>LXIV.</h5>
+<blockquote>MY DEAR CHARLES,&mdash;Since I last wrote to you I have
+enjoyed seeing again an officer with whom I had many curious
+dealings in the past, and who, if half the facts he divulges about
+himself were true, would certainly be the wickedest Colonel in the
+B.E.F., notwithstanding that he fought busily in the early stages
+and had the best part of himself knocked out in so doing. He has
+performed many strange duties since, and the steps he took to
+qualify for one of them will, I think, illustrate for you his
+wickedness. It has been found, on experience, that modesty is out
+of place when you are being called upon to state your
+qualifications for a post. The knowing, upon being asked if they
+possess certain attributes, reply in an immediate affirmative and
+add others, just to be on the safe side. It is felt that what is
+really required in this War is thrust and ingenuity, things which
+adequately make up for the absence of any specialist knowledge.
+Accordingly my friend found himself described as possessing, among
+other things, "French, fluent." It was not until he was informed
+that the Official Interpreter would like to hear a little of this
+that he looked more closely into the matter and discovered that he
+knew no French at all. Undismayed, he spent the two days' interval
+before the <i>viv&acirc;-voce</i> examination in learning some. You
+might suppose that two days is a short time in which to become so
+familiar with a strange language that you may be able to understand
+and answer any question which may be put to you in it. Sly friend,
+however, did not let this worry him. He learnt by heart a long and
+detailed narrative, embracing all the most impressive idioms and
+all the most popular slang, the subject of which was an accident
+which had occurred to him in the earlier days of the campaign, a
+long and a vivid story, which, once started, would last
+indefinitely and could not be interrupted meanwhile. Armed with no
+other knowledge of the French language than this, my friend duly
+presented himself before the Official Interpreter, greeted him with
+a genial salute and waited throughout his opening speech, which was
+in French and contained many inquiries. My friend made no endeavour
+to follow these simple questions. He knew he couldn't succeed and
+had no intention of giving himself away by an attempt. Advancing
+towards the Interpreter's table and putting his right hand to his
+ear, "Pardon, monsieur," he said, "mais je suis un peu sourd,
+depuis mon accident." "Quel accident?" said the Interpreter; after
+which my friend did not stop talking until he was passed out with a
+"French, garrulous." We met quite recently and talked over things
+in general, telling each other, in confidence and on the best
+authority, all those exciting details of the progress of the War
+which men go on saying and believing until they are officially
+contradicted. Getting down to realities, he told me that he has now
+the greatest difficulty in believing in the War at all, though he
+is within ear-shot of it all the time. His difficulty is due to the
+last thing he saw before he left his office: three men standing at
+his gate, in that attitude of contented and contemplative leisure
+which one associates with Saturday afternoons and village pumps,
+looking at nothing in particular and spitting thoughtfully as
+occasion required. One of them was a British soldier, one a French
+soldier and one a German soldier. The whole picture suggested
+anything but war; if there was a war on, which nation was fighting
+against which? My friend, however, is somewhat oddly situated in
+this respect, since he commands for the moment a detachment of
+German prisoners in our back area. Some of them, he tells me, are
+extraordinarily smart. One Prussian N.C.O. in particular was
+remarkable. Dressed in his impressive overcoat, hatted for all the
+world like our Staff and carrying under his arm his dapper cane,
+this N.C.O. went round from group to group of working prisoners,
+accompanying the English sergeant in charge of the party and
+interpreting the latter's orders to the men. So striking was his
+get-up that all paused to look at him. Thinking it might please
+you, my friend showed me an official memo., which he had just
+received from one of his officers in command of an outlying
+detachment, and of course of the odds and ends of British personnel
+adhering thereto: cooks, guards, etc. The memo. ran as follows, and
+it repays careful study and thinking out; I give you the whole of
+it:&mdash;
+<blockquote><i>"To the Commanding Officer, Orderly Room,
+Hqrs."</i><br />
+<br />
+The undermentioned is in my opinion entirely unfitted for the duty
+to which he has been detailed with this detachment. He shows no
+signs of either intelligence or industry, and I propose, with your
+approval, to take the necessary steps to get rid of him
+forthwith.<br />
+<br />
+A. B. SMITH,<br />
+<br />
+<i>Capt. i.c. 'B' Detachment.</i></blockquote>
+My friend was much concerned to hit upon exactly the right form of
+reply. Eventually we agreed:&mdash;
+<blockquote><i>"To Capt. A. B. Smith, i.c. 'B'
+Detachment.</i><br />
+<br />
+Good-bye.<br />
+<br />
+C. D. JONES,<br />
+<br />
+<i>Lt.-Col., O.C., etc., etc.</i>"</blockquote>
+Finally, let me tell you a disgraceful tale of my same friend,
+which does not refer to his present command, and is, I hope, untrue
+of him in any command. The crowd for which he was then responsible
+was suddenly threatened with inspection by the General who is
+charged with the welfare of such people, and who very properly
+desired to satisfy himself that they were both well disciplined and
+well tended. So that success might be assured my friend had a
+rehearsal parade. All inspections and manoeuvres being completed,
+my friend stood the crowd at ease and thus addressed them:&mdash;
+<blockquote>"All ranks will take the utmost care to turn themselves
+out smartly for the inspection and to make the inspection a
+success. As the General passes along the lines inspecting you, you
+will stand rigidly to attention, eyes front. You will be asked if
+you have any complaints to make, and each of you will have an
+opportunity of making a complaint in the correct manner.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page113" name="page113"></a>[pg
+113]</span> "In making his complaint the man should advance two
+paces forward, salute smartly, stand to attention and make his
+complaint.<br />
+<br />
+"And, by Heavens, if anybody does...!"</blockquote>
+Yours ever,<br />
+<br />
+HENRY.</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<h3>A TRACT FOR GROUSERS.</h3>
+<p>Ernest and I were seated by the river. It was very pleasant
+there, and it seemed a small thing to us that we were both still
+disabled.</p>
+<p>"Did you ever say to yourself, when you were out there, that if
+ever you got out of it alive you'd never grumble at anything
+again?'" said Ernest.</p>
+<p>My reply was in the affirmative.</p>
+<p>We were silent for a while, remorse weighing heavily upon
+us.</p>
+<p>"The worst case," said Ernest at length, "was when I got my
+commission and came home for my kit."</p>
+<p>I composed myself to listen, piously determined not to grumble
+however tedious I might find his recital.</p>
+<p>"We'd been near a place called Ypres," he began.</p>
+<p>"I seem to have heard the name," I murmured.</p>
+<p>"I hadn't been sleeping really well for a week&mdash;we'd been
+in the trenches that time&mdash;and before that I had lain somewhat
+uneasily upon a concrete floor."</p>
+<p>"Yes, concrete is hard, isn't it?" I said.</p>
+<p>"We came out at three in the morning, and arrived at our billets
+about seven. I knew this commission was on the
+<i>tapis</i>&mdash;French word meaning carpet&mdash;so I hung round
+not daring to turn in. At eleven o'clock I had orders to push off
+home to get my kit. You'll guess I didn't want asking twice. I made
+my way to the railhead at once in case of any hitch, and had to
+wait some time for a train. It was a goods train when it came, but
+it did quite well and deposited me outside the port of embarkation
+about nine o'clock at night. I walked on into the port and found
+the ship that was crossing next morning. I went below in search of
+a cabin. There was a French sailor there to whom I explained my
+need."</p>
+<p>"How?" I asked, for I do not share Ernest's opinion of his
+mastery of the French language, but he ignored this.</p>
+<p>"It was dark down there," he went on, "too dark for him to see
+that I was in a private's uniform, so I put on a bit of side and he
+took me for an officer."</p>
+<p>"A French officer?"</p>
+<p>"Very likely. Anyway he found me a beautiful cabin with a lovely
+couch in it all covered with plush. You would have thought I should
+want nothing but to be left to sleep; but no, I saw that the
+officer in the next cabin had a candle, and there was no candle for
+me. Instantly my worst instincts were aroused. I felt I was being
+put upon. I demanded a candle. The sailor declared there wasn't one
+left."</p>
+<p>"You're sure he understood what you were asking for?"</p>
+<p>"Yes, I know that candle is boogy, thank you. I argued with him
+for ten minutes and then turned in, grumbling. Queer, wasn't
+it?"</p>
+<p>"Yes," I said.</p>
+<p>I sat there for a while, thinking over Ernest's story, which
+had, it seemed to me, something of the tract about it.</p>
+<p>Later the midges began to attack us.</p>
+<p>"Aren't these midges absolutely&mdash;" I began, and then
+stopped, remembering Ernest's tract. It only shows, as I said to
+Ernest, that we may learn something even from the most unlikely
+people.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"Wanted, a strong Boy, about 15 years old, for
+bottling, &amp;c. The Brewery, Brixham."<br />
+<i>The Western Guardian.</i></blockquote>
+<p>"Waiter, bring me a bottle of the boy."</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"... contest the right of the Spanish authorities to
+intern damaged submarines seeking refuse in neutral
+ports."&mdash;<i>Star.</i></blockquote>
+<p>The Spanish authorities are expected to reply that if that is
+what the U-boats are after there is no need for them to leave
+home.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/113.png"><img src="images/113.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>First Artist.</i> "BY GAD! OLD PARSLEY'S SURPASSED HIMSELF.
+LAMB CUTLETS, TWO CHOCOLATE CAKES AND THREE LUMPS OF SUGAR.
+RATTLING GOOD SUBJECT."</p>
+<p><i>Second Artist.</i> "I THOUGHT OF ONE NEARLY AS GOOD, BUT
+COULDN'T AFFORD THE MODELS."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page114" name="page114"></a>[pg
+114]</span>
+<h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2>
+<p><i>(The GERMAN CROWN PRINCE and Fritz, his Valet.)</i></p>
+<p><i>The Crown Prince (in bed and yawning).</i> Is that you,
+Fritz?</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> Yes, your Royal Highness. What uniform shall I lay
+out for his Royal Highness?</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> You can lay out the best I have&mdash;the one of
+the Death's Head Hussars, with all my stars and medals. I am
+expecting an important visit.</p>
+<p><i>Fritz (with a meaning smile).</i> If I might venture so far,
+I would suggest to his Royal Highness that he should wear the
+Trench uniform, which I arranged with the bullet-holes and the
+mud-splashes. It creates a greater effect, especially if the
+visitor be a lady.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> Fritz, you dog, how dare you? Very well, have it
+your own way and let it be the Trench uniform.</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> I am only anxious to promote his Royal Highness's
+interest in every possible way.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> I know, I know. Only we shall have old
+HINDENBURG growling and grunting and looking as black as a
+thundercloud. I cannot imagine what my revered father sees in that
+old wooden effigy, whose only idea of strategy is to retreat from
+strong positions. That, at any rate, is not the fashion in which I
+have learnt war. I'm thoroughly tired of hearing of all these
+HINDENBURG plans, which come to nothing.</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> Your Royal Highness is, of course, right. But what
+I say to myself is that the ALL-HIGHEST, your Royal Highness's most
+gracious father, has in all this a deep-laid design to show
+conclusively that all these HINDENBURG plans mean nothing, so that
+in the end true skill and merit may have a chance, and the chief
+command may be placed in the only hands that are fit to exercise
+it. Oh, yes, I know what I'm talking about, and everyone I meet
+says the same.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> I have always felt that that must be so. No
+matter, a time will come. By the way, Fritz, have you packed up the
+<i>S&egrave;vres</i> dinner-service?</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> I have already packed six from as many different
+French and Belgian houses, and have sent them to Berlin, according
+to your Royal Highness's directions. Which does your Royal Highness
+refer to?</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> I mean the one with the simple pattern of pink
+flowers and the coat-of-arms.</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> Yes, that I have packed like the rest and have
+sent off.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> And the silver dishes and the lace?</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> Yes, they have all gone.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> Good. And the clocks?</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> Yes, I did in every case what your Royal Highness
+ordered me to do.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> And you packed them, I hope, with the greatest
+care?</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> I did; nothing, I am certain, will suffer
+damage.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> Excellent. War is, no doubt, a rough and brutal
+affair, but at least it cannot be said that we Prussians do not
+behave like gentlemen.</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> Your Royal Highness speaks, as always, the plain
+truth. How different from the degenerate French and the intolerable
+English.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> Yes, Fritz; and now you can go. Stay; there was
+something I wanted to ask you. Dear me, I am losing my memory. Ah!
+I have it. How is my offensive getting on? Has any news come in
+from the <i>Chemin des Dames</i>?</p>
+<p><i>Fritz.</i> Your Royal Highness's offensive has not advanced
+to any great extent. The French last night recaptured all their
+positions and even penetrated into ours.</p>
+<p><i>The C.P.</i> Did they? How very annoying. Somebody bungled,
+of course. Well, well, I shall have to put it right when I have
+time. Have you finished laying out my uniform? Yes. Then you can
+go.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE HUMILIATION OF THE PALFREY.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Where is she now, the pride of the battalion,</p>
+<p class="i2">That ambled always at the Colonel's side,</p>
+<p>A fair white steed, like some majestic galleon</p>
+<p class="i2">Which takes deliberate the harbour tide,</p>
+<p class="i4">So soft, so slow, she scarcely seems to stir?</p>
+<p class="i4">And that, indeed, was very true of her</p>
+<p class="i4">Who was till late, so kind her character,</p>
+<p class="i2">The only horse the Adjutant could ride.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Ever she led the regiment on its journeys,</p>
+<p class="i2">And held sweet converse with the Colonel's gee:</p>
+<p>Of knights, no doubt, and old heroic tourneys,</p>
+<p class="i2">And how she bare great ladies o'er the lea;</p>
+<p class="i4">And on high hill-sides, when the men felt dead,</p>
+<p class="i4">Far up the height they viewed her at the head,</p>
+<p class="i4">A star of hope, and shook themselves, and said,</p>
+<p class="i2">"If she can do it, dammit, so can we!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But where is now my Adjutantial palfrey?</p>
+<p class="i2">In front no longer but in rear to-day,</p>
+<p>Behind the bicycles, and not at all free</p>
+<p class="i2">To be familiar with the General's gray,</p>
+<p class="i4">She walks in shame with all those misanthropes,</p>
+<p class="i4">The sad pack-animals who have no hopes</p>
+<p class="i4">But must by men be led about on ropes,</p>
+<p class="i2">Condemned till death to carry S.A.A.,</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And bombs, and beef, and officers' valises;</p>
+<p class="i2">And I at eve have marked my wistful mare</p>
+<p>By thronging dumps where cursing never ceases</p>
+<p class="i2">And rations come, for oft she brings them there,</p>
+<p class="i4">Patient, aloof; and when the shrapnel dropp'd</p>
+<p class="i4">And the young mules complained and kicked and
+hopp'd,</p>
+<p class="i4">She only stood unmoved, with one leg propp'd,</p>
+<p class="i2">As if she heard it not or did not care;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Or heard, maybe, but hoped to get a Blighty;</p>
+<p class="i2">For on her past she lately seemed to brood</p>
+<p>And dreamed herself once more among the mighty,</p>
+<p class="i2">By grooms beloved and reverently shoed;</p>
+<p class="i4">But now she has no standing in the corps,</p>
+<p class="i4">And Death itself would hardly be a bore,</p>
+<p class="i4">Save that, although she carries me no more,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Tis something still to carry up my food.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>A.P.H.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE WAR-NOTE IN EXAMINATIONS.</h3>
+<p>Extract from Smith Minor's Scripture paper:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"And when Jephthah saw his daughter coming to meet him
+he was very much upset. But he had to keep to his vow, so he gave
+her two months' leave and then he killed her."</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>Quoting a European statesman, saying the war would be
+won by the last 500,000 bushels of what, Mr. Hoover
+said."&mdash;<i>New York Times</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We trust Mr. HOOVER will hurry up with his peroration.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"I feel that I might claim almost a special kinship
+with Baron Sonnino, because I believe his mother was a Welsh
+lady."<br />
+<i>"Weekly Dispatch" Report of Premier's Speech.</i><br />
+<br />
+"Baron Sonnino, by the way, who is of half-Scottish extraction,
+speaks English perfectly. How many of the master minds at our
+Foreign Office speak Italian perfectly?"<br />
+<i>"Weekly Dispatch" Secret History of the Week.</i></blockquote>
+<p>But in fairness to the "master minds" it should be remembered
+that few of them have the advantage of a Scotch father and a Welsh
+mother.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page115" name="page115"></a>[pg
+115]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/115.png"><img width="100%" src="images/115.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Hospital Wardmaid (Who Has Shown the New Matron Into Her
+Room).</i>&mdash;"WELL, I MUST SAY I HOPE YOU'VE COME TO STAY.
+YOU'LL BE THE SIXTH MATRON I'VE TRAINED."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+<h5>"THE BETTER 'OLE."</h5>
+<p>I must congratulate Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN on his courage in
+transforming the Oxford Music-hall into a home of "the legitimate,"
+and still more on his good fortune in securing for the initiation
+of his new venture the play which Captain BRUCE BAIRNSFATHER and
+Captain ARTHUR ELIOT have written round the adventures of "Old
+Bill." In form it resembles a <i>revue</i>, but I prefer to call it
+a play, because it possesses a plot, distinct if slight&mdash;an
+encumbrance banned by most <i>revue</i> producers; and because it
+contains an abundance of honest spontaneous fun. The authors start
+with the advantage, if it be an advantage, that the principal
+characters are already familiar to the audience through the medium
+of Captain BAIRNSFATHER's popular drawings; but they have not been
+content with reproducing their well-known, now almost hackneyed,
+adventures, but have added many others which are new and yet "come
+into the picture."</p>
+<p>Their greatest piece of luck was in finding a comedian exactly
+fitted to fill the part of the humble hero. Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER as
+<i>Old Bill</i> is absolutely "it." His make-up is perfect; he
+might have stepped out of the drawing, or sat for it, whichever you
+please. But, much more than that, he seems to have exactly realised
+the sort of man <i>Old Bill</i> probably is in real
+life&mdash;slow-speaking and stolid in manner, yet with a vein of
+common-sense underlying his apparent stupidity; much addicted to
+beer and other liquids, but not brutalized thereby; and, while
+often grousing and grumbling, nevertheless possessed almost
+unconsciously of a strong sense of duty and an undaunted
+determination to see it through. It is a tribute to the essential
+truthfulness of Captain BAIRNSFATHER'S conception and Mr.
+BOURCHIER'S acting that one comes away from <i>The Better 'Ole</i>
+feeling that there must be thousands of <i>Old Bills</i> at the
+Front fighting for our freedom.</p>
+<p>Admirable work is done, too, by Mr. TOM WOOTTWELL as
+<i>Bert</i>, the incorrigible amorist, for whom each new girl is
+"the only girl," and who has an apparently inexhaustible supply of
+identity-discs to leave with them as "sooveneers"; and by Mr.
+SINCLAIR COTTER as <i>Alf</i>, the cynical humourist&mdash;"Where
+were you eddicated, Eton or Harrod's?" is one of his best
+<i>mots</i>&mdash;who spends most of his time in wrestling with an
+automatic cigar-lighter. I think it would be only poetical justice
+if in the concluding scene, when <i>Old Bill</i> comes into his
+own, the authors were for once to allow <i>Alf</i> to succeed in
+lighting his "fag."</p>
+<p>Of the many ladies who add charm to the entertainment I can only
+mention Miss EDM&Eacute;E DORMEUIL, who as <i>Victoire</i> has an
+important share in the plot and saves <i>Old Bill's</i> life; Miss
+GOODIE REEVE, who sings some capital songs; and Miss PEGGY DORAN,
+who looks bewitching as an officer of the Woman Workers' Corps. The
+music, arranged by Mr. HERMAN DAREWSKI, is catchy and not
+uncomfortably original: and the scenery, designed by Captain
+BAIRNSFATHER, gives one, I should say, as good an idea of the
+trenches as one can get without going there. In fine I would parody
+<i>Old Bill</i> and say, "If you knows of a better show, go to
+it!"</p>
+<p>L.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page116" name="page116"></a>[pg
+116]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/116.png"><img width="100%" src="images/116.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Perfect Stranger (To Jones, Who Has Not Forgotten Willie's
+Birthday).</i> "AIN'T YOU ASHAMED TO GO BATTING THESE DAYS?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>TO A MODERN MUSE.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>O Metaphasia, peerless maid,</p>
+<p class="i2">How can I fitly sing</p>
+<p>The priceless decorative aid</p>
+<p class="i2">To dialogue you bring,</p>
+<p>Enabling serious folk, whose brains</p>
+<p class="i2">Are commonplace and crude,</p>
+<p>To soar to unimagined planes</p>
+<p class="i2">Of sweet ineptitude.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Changed by your magic, common-sense</p>
+<p class="i2">Nonsensical appears,</p>
+<p>And stars of sober influence</p>
+<p class="i2">Shoot madly from their spheres.</p>
+<p>You lure us from the beaten track,</p>
+<p class="i2">From minding P.'s and Q.'s,</p>
+<p>To paths where white is always black</p>
+<p class="i2">And pies resemble pews.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Strange beasts, more strange than the giraffe,</p>
+<p class="i2">You conjure up to view,</p>
+<p>The flue-box and the forking-calf,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unknown at any Zoo;</p>
+<p>And new vocations you unfold,</p>
+<p class="i2">Wonder on wonder heaping,</p>
+<p>Hell-banging for the over-bold,</p>
+<p class="i2">And toffee-cavern keeping.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>With you we hatch the pasty snipe,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all undaunted face</p>
+<p>Huge fish of unfamiliar type&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Bush-pike and bubble-dace;</p>
+<p>Or, fired by hopes of lyric fame,</p>
+<p class="i2">We deviate from prose,</p>
+<p>And make it our especial aim</p>
+<p class="i2">Bun-sonnets to compose.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I wonder did the ancients prove</p>
+<p class="i2">Responsive to your spell,</p>
+<p>Or, riveted to Reason's groove,</p>
+<p class="i2">Against your charms rebel.</p>
+<p>And yet some senator obese,</p>
+<p class="i2">In Rome long years ago,</p>
+<p>May have misnamed a masterpiece</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>De Gallo bellico</i>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>We know there were heroic men</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere AGAMEMNON'S days,</p>
+<p>Who passed forgotten from our ken,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lacking a poet's praise;</p>
+<p>But, though great Metaphasiarchs</p>
+<p class="i2">Have doubtless flourished sooner,</p>
+<p>I'm sure their raciest remarks</p>
+<p class="i2">Have been eclipsed by S*****r.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE LIMIT.</h3>
+<blockquote>"The daily cost of the war has shown an alarming
+tendency to mount, and has gone beyond the 700 millions which some
+folk thought must be the limit a few months ago."<br />
+<i>Sussex Daily News.</i></blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"Junior Assistant wanted to Grocery, Spirit and
+Provision business; send copy references and salary
+expected."&mdash;<i>Irish Paper.</i></blockquote>
+<p>Quite a promising idea for getting more capital into a
+business.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>INVENTIONS.</h3>
+<p>"Amongst a number of new inventions," says the <i>Frankfischer
+Tagwacht</i>, "is an imitation of the smell of Limburger cheese."
+This has caused some alarm and not a little interest in this
+country, as the following extracts will show:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Berlin Resident" states that he has too long been fed up with
+imitation meals, and for weeks past has had nothing to eat but
+holes from Limburger.</p>
+<p>"Cynic" remarks that it is impossible for the German scientists
+to defeat the WOLFF wireless at inventions.</p>
+<p>Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is anxious to know whether they have yet
+discovered a substitute for <i>The Morning Post</i>.</p>
+<p><i>The Times</i> Greenwich correspondent wires: "If they have
+invented a method whereby a news report will make a noise like
+'Passed by Censor' will they wire terms?"</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Inscription on a French picture post-card:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"Une locomotive abandon&eacute;e devant Thiepval. One
+locomotive a profligate woman forepart Thiepval."</blockquote>
+<p>Smith minor is avenged.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page117" name="page117"></a>[pg
+117]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/117.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE REAL VOICE OF LABOUR.</h3>
+<p>TOMMY. "SO YOU'RE GOING TO STOCKHOLM TO TALK TO FRITZ, ARE YOU?
+WELL, I'M GOING BACK TO FRANCE TO <i>FIGHT</i> HIM."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page119" name="page119"></a>[pg
+119]</span>
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+<p><i>Monday, August 6th.</i>&mdash;This being Bank Holiday and the
+first fine day after a week's downpour, Members for the most part
+stayed away from Westminster. Some, it is charitably supposed, have
+gone to look after their allotments. Others, it is believed, have
+been kept away by a different reason. The taxicab-drivers, men
+constitutionally averse from extortion, have refused to enter the
+railway-station yards so long as the companies persist in exacting
+from them a whole penny for the privilege. Consequently some of our
+week-ending legislators are reported to be interned at Waterloo and
+Paddington, sitting disconsolately upon their portmanteaux. As an
+appeal to the Board of Trade elicited nothing more from Mr. G.
+ROBERTS than a disclaimer of personal responsibility, it is
+expected that redress will be sought from the Taxi-cabinet.</p>
+<p>Mr. HENDERSON'S dual personality continues to arouse curiosity.
+There was some justification for Mr. KING'S inquiry whether he went
+to Petrograd as a Ministerial <i>Jekyll</i> or a Labourist
+<i>Hyde</i>. Mr. BONAR LAW assured the House that on this occasion
+at least Mr. HENDERSON went purely as a Cabinet Minister, guiltless
+of any duplicity.</p>
+<p>Mr. PROTHERO enlivened the discussion on the Corn Production
+Bill by a new clause providing that where a farmer failed to
+destroy the rabbits on his land the Board of Agriculture should
+have power to do it for him and recover the expenses incurred. Sir
+JOHN SPEAR expected that in some cases the rabbits secured would
+more than defray the cost of the capture, and declared that unless
+the farmer was allowed to keep the rabbits the Government would be
+guilty of "profiteering." As other agricultural Members appeared to
+share this view, Mr. PROTHERO, most obliging of Ministers, agreed
+to alter the word "cost" to "net cost." I hope no litigious farmer
+will seek to evade his liabilities on the ground that, as the Act
+only says "net cost," he need not pay for the ferrets.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href=
+"images/119-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119-1.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h4>THE FOUNT OF HONOUR AT WORK.</h4>
+LORD CURZON CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT.
+</div>
+<p><i>Tuesday, August 7th.</i>&mdash;Those peers who were supposed
+to be shaking in their shoes at the thought of Lord SELBORNE'S
+impending revelations as to the means by which they acquired their
+honours might have spared their tremors. He opened his bag to-day,
+but no cat jumped out, not even the smallest kitten. If he had
+given a single concrete example of a peer who, having notoriously
+no public services at his back, must be presumed to have purchased
+his title, he would have created some effect. But the admission
+that all his information on the subject was confidential cut the
+ground from under his feet; and needless to say none of the Peers
+whom he hypothetically accused of buying their coronets responded
+to his appeal by standing forth in a white sheet and making open
+confession of his crime.</p>
+<p>Lord SELBORNE was one of three heirs to peerages who a
+generation ago banded themselves together to resist elevation to
+the House of Lords. Another of them is Lord CURZON, who answered
+him to-night, and whose contempt for the Chamber which he now
+adorns seems to have grown with the years that he has spent in it.
+Reading between the lines of his speech a cynic could only infer
+that the Upper House, as at present constituted, is such a useless
+and superfluous assembly that it does not much matter who gets into
+it or by what venal ladder he climbs.</p>
+<p>The only peers who ventured to get to close quarters with the
+scandal were Lord KNUTSFORD, who told a moving tale of how a
+potential baronet diverted &pound;25,000 from the London Hospital
+to a certain party fund, and thereby achieved his purpose; and Lord
+SALISBURY, who declared from his knowledge of Prime Ministers that
+they were sick of administering the system of which Lord CURZON was
+so ostentatiously ignorant.</p>
+<p>Many reasons have been assigned for Mr. CHURCHILL'S reinclusion
+in the Ministry, but I am inclined to think that the real one has
+only just been discovered. Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT is one of the most
+pertinacious inquisitors of the Treasury Bench; he is also a
+whole-souled admirer of the Member for DUNDEE, and has written a
+book in eulogy of his achievements by sea and land. Mr. CHURCHILL
+has rewarded this devotion by appointing Mr. SCOTT his private
+secretary, and, as it is contrary to Parliamentary etiquette for a
+Member holding this position to interrogate other Ministers, has
+thereby conferred a distinct benefit upon his new colleagues. Mr.
+LLOYD GEORGE is now reported to be on the look-out for other
+statesmen in whom Mr. HOGGE and Mr. PRINGLE repose a similar trust,
+but so far without success; and it is thought that his only chance
+is to make Mr. PRINGLE an Under-Secretary on condition that he
+takes Mr. HOGGE as his <i>&acirc;me damn&eacute;e</i>, or <i>vice
+vers&acirc;</i>.</p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/119-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119-2.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+WINSTON'S GIFT TO HIS NEW PRIVATE SECRETARY,<br />
+MR. MACCALLUM SCOTT.
+</div>
+<p><i>Wednesday, August 8th.</i>&mdash;Lord BURNHAM shocked some of
+the more ancient peers by his skittish references to the coming
+Conference on the Second Chamber. When he expressed the hope that
+Lord CURZON would make an explicit statement, on the ground that
+their Lordships' House was in no need of a soporific, I fully
+expected one of the occupants of the mausoleum to rise and reprove
+him in the words of Dr. JOHNSON, "Sir, in order to be facetious it
+is not necessary to be indecent."</p>
+<p>The advent of the feminine lawyer was rendered a little nearer
+when her champions successfully held up a Bill promoted by the
+Incorporated Law <span class="pagenum"><a id="page120" name=
+"page120"></a>[pg 120]</span> Society until the Government
+undertook to find time for the discussion of a measure enabling
+women to become solicitors. Already <i>Shylock</i> is trembling at
+the prospect.</p>
+<p><i>Thursday, August 9th</i>.&mdash;When the House on two
+successive occasions rejected Proportional Representation it was
+generally thought that nothing more would be heard of the other
+proposals for securing minority representation. To-night, however,
+after a brisk debate, the "Alternative vote" in three-cornered
+contests was saved in a free division by a single vote; and it was
+further decided that "P.R." itself should be adopted at University
+elections, despite the unanimous opposition of the University
+Representatives.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE CHOICE.</h3>
+<p>The bright August sun certainly made the dining-room paper look
+dingy. It was a plain, self-coloured paper, but we were rather
+attached to it, and didn't like the idea of a change.</p>
+<p>But there seemed no help for it, so I arranged to leave my
+office early on Friday afternoon, meet Alison at the Marble Arch
+tube station and go with her to choose a new paper.</p>
+<p>When we reached the wall-paperer's lair we were ushered by an
+immaculate personage into a room that looked more like the
+dining-room of a private house than a part of business
+premises.</p>
+<p>"Perhaps," I said, in an awed whisper, "you don't care to have
+anything to do with such trifling things
+as&mdash;er&mdash;wall-paper?"</p>
+<p>"Indeed we do," said the nobleman. "Most important things,
+wall-papers. Where did you want it for?"</p>
+<p>"For a room in my house, of course," I said. "Not for the
+garden."</p>
+<p>"Oh, not for the garden. And what sort of house is yours?" he
+asked.</p>
+<p>"A very nice house," I said.</p>
+<p>"I meant what was the style of the house&mdash;Jacobean,
+Georgian?"</p>
+<p>"Brixtonian rococo outwardly," I said, "as far as I can judge;
+but very snug inside. No doubt you could show us something we
+should like which would also satisfy your sense of propriety."</p>
+<p>"I think it might be managed," he said, waving his hand towards
+two or three giant books of patterns.</p>
+<p>"What we want," I said, "is something meaty."</p>
+<p>"Ah, for the dining-room," he said.</p>
+<p>"Well, it's a courtesy title," I said, "but really in these hard
+times we have reduced economy to such a fine art that I thought a
+wall-paper with body in it might help matters."</p>
+<p>"I think I catch the idea," said the marquis. "Something that
+would make you feel more satisfied after dinner than you otherwise
+would feel, as it were."</p>
+<p>"My dear Sir," I said, "you have hit it exactly. Yours is a
+sympathetic nature. How readily you have divined my thoughts! No
+doubt you too are suffering."</p>
+<p>He sighed almost audibly. "How is the room furnished?" he
+said.</p>
+<p>"Leading features," I said, "a Welsh dresser, rush-bottomed
+chairs, gate-legged table, bookcases&mdash;"</p>
+<p>"Saxe-blue carpet," said Alison.</p>
+<p>"A most important detail," Lord Bayswater said. "Don't you think
+something of a chintzy nature would ... etc."</p>
+<p>Both Alison and I agreed that a prescription of that kind might
+possibly ... etc.</p>
+<p>I don't know what is comprised under the term chintzy, but it
+appeared to be a comprehensive one, for the nobleman descanted on
+the merits of the following patterns among others:&mdash;</p>
+<p>(1) Cockatoos on trees, cockatooing.</p>
+<p>(2) Pheasants on trees, eating blackberries.</p>
+<p>(3) Other birds on trees, doing nothing in particular.</p>
+<p>(4) Roses, in full bloom, half bloom, fading, falling.</p>
+<p>(5) Forget-me-nots in bunches, ready for sale.</p>
+<p>(6) Grapes doing whatever it is that grapes do.</p>
+<p>(7) Other flowers and fruits, also acting after the manner of
+their kind.</p>
+<p>Many other patterns were shown us and we spent an hour or two
+looking at them. Our host tried hard to push the cockatoos on to
+us. His idea was that the pattern would act as wallpaper and
+pictures combined. Alison's idea was that there would be too many
+portraits of cockatoos round the room, and I maintained that the
+wretched birds looked so realistic that I should certainly feel I
+ought to be giving them some food, and this would of course hardly
+assist my idea. The noes had it.</p>
+<p>In the end we came away with four patterns (fruits and flowers)
+and a promise to let Lord Bayswater know which one we preferred.
+One of them I chose really to show my tailor, as it was a top-hole
+scheme for a winter waistcoat.</p>
+<p>Alison and I spent the evening hanging the patterns up one after
+the other on one wall of the dining-room, and tried to paper the
+rest of the walls in the mind's eye, but at eleven o'clock we
+knocked off for the night and went to bed with headaches.</p>
+<p>I fancy Alison must have had a disturbed night. As I was leaving
+the house after breakfast she said, "Have you made up your mind
+about those patterns?"</p>
+<p>"No, I haven't," I said. "I'm going to leave it to you. Choose
+which you like."</p>
+<p>"I've chosen," she said with an air of finality.</p>
+<p>"Well," said Alison, when I reached home that evening, "it's
+up."</p>
+<p>"Up?" I said. "The new paper, already?"</p>
+<p>"Come and see," Alison said.</p>
+<p>"By Jove, how well it looks!" I said. "You've chosen well.
+There's something familiar about it, though it looks almost
+new."</p>
+<p>"Yes," said Alison, "Ellen and I cleaned it all over with
+bread-crumbs."</p>
+<p>"Poor Lord Bayswater," I said. "But you've done the right thing.
+Wall-paper as usual during the War."</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/120.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>First Dangerous Mule (to Second Ditto).</i>"DON'T YOU
+GO NEAR HER, MATE&mdash;SHE'LL KICK YER."</p></div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"The annual agricultural returns show that the
+increased area in England and Wales of corn and potatoes for the
+present harvest amount to no less than 347,0000 acres. This result
+exceeds all expectations."<br />
+<i>Bradford Daily Argus</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We can well believe it.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From a sale advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<h5>"LACE DEPT.</h5>
+Ladies' Overalls and Breeches for the farm, garden, or home use,
+reduced in Price."<br />
+<i>Daily Paper.</i></blockquote>
+<p>Cooler and cooler.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page121" name="page121"></a>[pg
+121]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/121.png"><img width="100%" src="images/121.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<i>Angry Lady (On Being Told That Fido's Favourite Biscuits Are
+Now Unobtainable).</i><br />
+"NOTHING BUT THESE! REALLY, THIS WAR IS GETTING BEYOND A
+JOKE!"
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>"SKILLY."</h3>
+<p>Prior to "Skilly" being taken on the regimental strength, our
+canteen was the paradise of a battalion of mice, from whose nightly
+raids nothing was sacred. But from the day "Skilly" enlisted the
+marauders became less and less obtrusive. And "Skilly" grew
+sleek.</p>
+<p>Then came a time of scarcity. Mice fought shy of the canteen,
+and "Skilly" visibly suffered from lack of nourishment. A
+sergeant's wife provided welcome hospitality; but no sooner was
+"Skilly" billeted outside the canteen than the plague returned, and
+so she was recalled urgently to active service. Again was the enemy
+routed; but again came the wilting-time of dire want. Virtue,
+however, did not go unrewarded a second time. "Skilly" had earned
+honourable mention, and representations to the proper quarters
+resulted in an order that she should be rationed so long as she
+remained on canteen duty.</p>
+<p>With times of ease came time for love. In due course "Skilly"
+presented an absentee and unidentifiable spouse with five bouncing
+baby kittens. Throughout their extreme infancy the family throve;
+but the time came when the devoted mother was no longer able to
+supply sufficient nutriment for five lusty youngsters. Clearly
+something must be done, and the canteen sergeant was the man to do
+it. He sent in a proper formal application to the regimental
+powers, requesting that increased feline rations be ordered as
+"subsistence for Canteen Skilly and family of five."</p>
+<p>Time passed, and&mdash;let this be read and remembered by all
+carping critics who accuse our army of want of method and business
+sense&mdash;in due course the application was returned, properly
+entered, checked, signed and counter-signed. The verdict run thus:
+"Application on behalf of Canteen Skilly refused, as apparently she
+married off the strength of the regiment."</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"No youth should be regarded educationally as a
+finished article at 1 years of age." <i>Yorkshire
+Post.</i></blockquote>
+<p>Mr. Fisher will be pleased.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>"A MERRY HEART GOES ALL THE DAY."</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I jogged along the footpath way</p>
+<p class="i2">And leant against the stile;</p>
+<p>"A merry heart goes all the day,"</p>
+<p>Stoutly I sang the old refrain;</p>
+<p>My own heart mocked me back again,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Yet tire you in a mile!"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Well may I tire, that stand alone</p>
+<p class="i2">And turn a wistful glance</p>
+<p>On each remembered tree and stone,</p>
+<p>Familiar landmarks of a road</p>
+<p>Where once so light of heart I strode</p>
+<p class="i2">With one who sleeps in France.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Heavily on the stile I lean,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not as we leant of yore,</p>
+<p>To drink the beauty of the scene,</p>
+<p>Glory of green and blue and gold,</p>
+<p>Shadow and gleam on wood and wold</p>
+<p class="i2">That he will see no more.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Then came from somewhere far afield</p>
+<p class="i2">A song of thrush unseen,</p>
+<p>And suddenly there stood revealed</p>
+<p>(Oh heart so merry, song so true!)</p>
+<p>A day when we shall walk, we two,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where other worlds are green.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" name="page122"></a>[pg
+122]</span>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE REVIEWS FOR &mdash;&mdash;.</h3>
+<p><i>(A specimen article for the use of those editors who have
+come to the realisation that the contents of our heavier
+periodicals never change. All that is needed is the insertion of
+the right month and the survey can be used as a serial.)</i></p>
+<p>In <i>The Umteenth Century and Forever</i>, which is, as usual,
+alert and interesting, the place of honour is given to an article
+by Sir Vincent Stodge, M.P., on "Proportional Representation in New
+Patagonia." Sir Vincent's argument may or may not convince, but it
+is succinctly stated. Sir ERNEST CASSEL writes usefully on "Economy
+for Cottagers," and Lord Sopwith, in a paper on "Air Raids and
+Glowworms," shows how important it is that on dark nights there
+should be some compulsory extinction of the light of these
+dangerous and, he fears, pro-German, insects. Mr. HARRY DE WINDT
+describes "Galicia as I Knew It," and there are suggestive papers
+on "The Probable Course of History for the next Three Centuries,"
+by the Dean of LINCOLN; "Potatoes as Food," by Sir WALTER RALEIGH;
+and "Hair in Relation to Eminence," by Dr. SALEEBY, in which all
+the strong men in history famous for their locks, from SAMSON to
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, are passed in review. An excellent number, full
+of mental nutriment, is brought to a close by a symposium of
+Bishops on the petrol restrictions.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>By a strange coincidence <i>The Shortsightly</i> also has a
+valuable paper on "Proportional Representation," by Mr. and Mrs.
+C.N. WILLIAMSON, who thus make their bow for the first time among
+what might be called our thinking novelists, their effort being in
+some degree balanced by an essay in the same number from so
+inveterate a politician as Mr. J.M. HOGGE, M.P., on the "Wit and
+Humour of WILLIAM LE QUEUX." There is also an anonymous article of
+great power on "Conscientious Objectors as Food for Racehorses,"
+which should cause discussion, both by reason of its arguments and
+also through the secret of its authorship, which to the initiated
+is only of course a <i>secret de Polichinelle</i>. For the rest we
+content ourselves with drawing attention to "The Small Holding," by
+Lord PIRRIE; "Women and Tobacco," by the Manager of the Piccadilly
+Hotel; "Feud Control," by Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, M.P.; "Russia as I
+knew it," by Mr. HARRY DE WINDT; and "The Spirit of Ireland," by
+Sir JOHN POWER.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>The Peremptory Review</i> opens with Lord CURZON'S
+well-reasoned appeal to Labour to relinquish its attitude of
+criticism and trust the powers that be. Other notable articles deal
+with the possible effect of woman's franchise on the cult of
+Pekinese spaniels, the case pro and con. for a tunnel under St.
+George's Channel, and the philosophy of E. PHILLIPS OPPENHEIM. Mr.
+HARRY DE WINDT writes of "Serbia as I Knew It." A spirited attack
+on the MINISTER of MUNITIONS by the Editor of <i>The Morning
+Post</i> brings an excellent number to a close.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Backwood's</i> is, as usual, strong in the martial element,
+and is further proof that in the present conflict there is no
+excluding rivalry between pen and sword, but plenty of room for
+both. The article wittily entitled, "Mess-up-otamia" should be read
+by everyone who is not tired of that theme. The trenchant author of
+"Reflections without Rancour" displays his customary vigilance as a
+censor of <i>b&ecirc;tes noires</i>, not sparing the whip even when
+some of the animals are dead.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In the ever iconoclastic and live <i>Gnashing All Review</i> Mr.
+Smacksy is, as usual, at his most vigorous. Among the statesmen who
+come in for his attacks are Mr. ASQUITH and Lord HALDANE, both of
+whom are probably by now quite inured to his blows. Nothing could
+be more amusing than the renewed play which is made with the
+phrase, "spiritual home." Mr. Smacksy has also something to say to
+members of what might be called his own Party. Other articles deal
+with "The Psychology of the Pacifist," a trenchant exposure; "The
+Teeth of American Presidents," which contains a number of curious
+statistics; "The Film and the Future," by Viscount CHAPLIN; "The
+Honours List," in which the anonymous writer makes the
+revolutionary suggestion that the KING'S birthday should in future
+be marked by the withdrawal of old titles instead of the conferring
+of new. Mr. HARRY DE WINDT descries "Roumania as I Knew It"; "A
+Suggestion for the Settlement of the Irish Problem" is offered by
+Mr. GINNELL, M.P.; and Mr. C.B. COCHRAN utters a disinterested plea
+for "The Small Theatre."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>The Jinglish Review</i>, also famous for the activity of its
+fighting editor, has no fewer than four articles from his pen, of
+which the least negligible is perhaps that of "The Partition of
+Europe after the War." The others deal with "The Real Germany,"
+"Sunday Journalism as a World Asset," and "HORATIO BOTTOMLEY the
+Prophet." Other contributions in a varied number include a series
+of votive verses to Mr. EDWARD MARSH, C.B., by a band of Georgian
+poets, on the occasion of his resumption of his duties as private
+secretary to Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A charming study of leprosy,
+translated from the Russian of Lugubriski, brings the number to a
+close.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>LONDON PRIDE.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Upon a lily-laden tide,</p>
+<p>Where galleons rocked with sails blown wide</p>
+<p class="i2">And white swans gleamed, there was a city</p>
+<p>Whose citizens called "London Pride"</p>
+<p class="i2">The flower that some call "None-so-Pretty."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>It grew beside the frowning tower,</p>
+<p>By RALEGH'S walk and BOLEYN'S bower,</p>
+<p class="i2">As frail as joy, as sweet as pity;</p>
+<p>And "London Pride" they called that flower</p>
+<p class="i2">Which country folk call "None-so-Pretty."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>When London lads made holiday</p>
+<p>In dewy hours o' th' month o' May,</p>
+<p class="i2">And footed it with Moll and Kitty,</p>
+<p>Among the maypole garlands gay</p>
+<p class="i2">Be sure they plaited "None-so-Pretty."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>When London lads in battle bent</p>
+<p>Their bows beside the bows of Kent</p>
+<p class="i2">('Tis told in many a gallant ditty)</p>
+<p>Their caps were tufted as they went</p>
+<p class="i2">With "London Pride" or "None-so-Pretty."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, London is what London was,</p>
+<p>And mighty food for pride she has;</p>
+<p class="i2">Her saints are wise, her sinners witty,</p>
+<p>And Picard clay and Flemish grass</p>
+<p class="i2">Are sweet with stars of "None-so-Pretty."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>"SAMMIES."</h3>
+<p><i>&Agrave; propos</i> of the note in our issue of August 1st, a
+Correspondent suggests that the Americans might go into action to
+the tune of "Tommy make room for your Uncle."</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"A Leghorn pullet, belonging to Mrs. G.R. Bell, of
+Coxhoe, Durham, has laid an egg 3-1/4 oz. in weight, 7-1/2 in. in
+diameter, and 6-1/4 in. in circumference."&mdash;<i>Scotch
+Paper.</i></blockquote>
+<p>Most interesting and novel, but very disconcerting to the
+mathematicians.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>"The procession was headed by the choristers and
+songmen, and included the surplus clergy and the Very Rev. the
+Dean."<br />
+<i>Yorkshire Herald.</i></blockquote>
+<p>No support here, you will note, for the recent suggestion that
+Deans are superfluous.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a>[pg
+123]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/123.png"><img width="100%" src="images/123.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE FAILURE OF THE FILM-THRILL.</h3>
+PATIENTS FROM THE LATEST PUSH AT THE PICTURES.
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a>[pg
+124]</span>
+<h2>DUELLING EXTRAORDINARY.</h2>
+<p>The contemplated single-stick encounter between Colonel
+ARCHER-SHEE and Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING recalls to mind a ludicrous
+affair which actually happened some years ago in a foreign city
+which I will here call Killemalivo.</p>
+<p>Mr. Alec McTavish, a Briton many years resident in that fair
+capital and editor of the only English newspaper, had taken up
+stout verbal cudgels on behalf of the Americans, who had been
+viciously attacked in the columns of a local "daily." The United
+States of the North, in its capacity of "special" to the entire
+American continent, comes in for plenty of abuse when a new
+revolution is about to be perpetrated.</p>
+<p>The strife had waxed fast and furious and eventually had taken
+on a personal tone, the editor of <i>La Muera</i> accusing the
+editor of the English paper of being "that lowest of all living
+things&mdash;a Texan." It will be remembered that in times gone by
+the State of Texas decided to desert its Latin parents and roost
+under the shadow of the eagle's wing, thereby earning for itself
+prosperity and an evil reputation&mdash;in certain quarters.</p>
+<p>McTavish's editorial reply was a gem of satire and displayed an
+intimate knowledge of the antecedents of the rival editor.</p>
+<p>At that time duelling was still prevalent, and it was not many
+days before the editorial sanctum of <i>The Tribune</i> was
+honoured by the visit of two officers in full-dress uniform.</p>
+<p>The eventual outcome of their visit was that Mr. McTavish found
+himself pledged to fight a duel with a man who was, among other
+things, a first-class pistol shot and exceptionally expert with the
+"florette," all of which McTavish was not.</p>
+<p>The affair looked particularly unpleasant&mdash;to McTavish, who
+was short, fat, and by no means young. But the dignity of the
+foreign population as represented by the editor of <i>The
+Killemalivo Tribune</i> must of necessity be upheld.</p>
+<p>Faced by this quite unusual difficulty, McTavish bethought him
+of his old and tried friend, General O'Flynnone, an Irish-American
+of many years' residence in the Latin Americas. No one seemed to
+know his real name, and the title of General had come to him from
+his last place.</p>
+<p>The General was delighted at the turn of events, agreed to be
+McTavish's second, and promised to get him through the affair with
+a whole skin and no loss of honour.</p>
+<p>As the challenged party McTavish had choice of weapons, which
+was the crux of the situation, as the General pointed out.</p>
+<p>Among the Killemalivo aristocracy the favourite weapons were the
+duelling pistol and the "florette," or rapier. The "pelado," or
+lower orders, preferred the "lingua de vaca," which means literally
+"cow's tongue," a nasty-looking knife of no mean proportions.</p>
+<p>As O'Flynnone explained, the duel would have to be fought with
+"killing weapons"; nothing else would satisfy the bloodthirsty
+editor. Meanwhile he would think on the matter, and he advised
+McTavish to do likewise.</p>
+<p>The following were the most unpleasant days of his life, as
+McTavish confessed afterwards. He was not a "conscientious
+objector," but he had no pressing wish to exterminate his opponent,
+as that would have necessitated a sudden and forcible exile from
+the land of his adoption; still less did he fancy an early demise
+in the interests of his paper.</p>
+<p>Meanwhile the General visited the rival editor's seconds and
+arranged for a meeting in his own rooms to discuss final
+conditions.</p>
+<p>O'Flynnone's rooms contained, among other things, a collection
+of curious and ancient weapons. The walls were decorated with all
+sorts and conditions of strange and barbarous instruments of
+slaughter; Zulu assegais, Afghan knives and Burmese swords hung in
+savage array.</p>
+<p>The meeting took place on the following Sunday afternoon. The
+officers greeted the General agreeably enough, but saluted McTavish
+with the stiffness that the occasion called for.</p>
+<p>"Well, Se&ntilde;ores," commenced the General, after depositing
+his visitors in the most comfortable chairs, "to business. Mr.
+McTavish, as you will admit, has the choice of weapons."</p>
+<p>The officers nodded assent.</p>
+<p>"This gentleman," continued O'Flynnone, "comes of that most
+noble and warlike race&mdash;the Scotch. Fiercest of fighters,
+although they do not sometimes look it, the warriors of Scotland
+alone among all nations withstood the ravages of the conquering
+English. I feel sorry, very sorry for the 'caballero' whom you have
+the honour to represent."</p>
+<p>The pause which followed was most impressive. The General's air
+was suggestive of dire things, as with dramatic suddenness he
+produced from beneath the sideboard two enormous double-edged
+battle-axes, which careful polishing had made to shine as new.</p>
+<p>"These," said he, "are the weapons which Mr. McTavish has
+chosen&mdash;weapons of men, such as they use in his own country,"
+he continued, brandishing one of them savagely. "And the fight will
+be on barebacked horses, for such is the custom of the Scotch."</p>
+<p>The duel did not occur.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE GAME OF HIS LIFE.</h2>
+<p>I met the mercurial Gosling at the club a few days ago. As I
+hadn't seen him for some time I asked if he had been on a holiday.
+"Yes," he said, "down at Shinglestrand. Golfing? No&mdash;yes. I
+did play one game, the first since the War, and rather a remarkable
+game it was. I'm a member of the golf-club there, and was down at
+the clubhouse one morning looking at the papers when a fat
+middle-aged man, about my age, asked me if I cared for a game. I
+didn't, but in a spirit of self-sacrifice said that I should be
+very glad. 'I think I ought to tell you,' he went on, 'that I don't
+care about playing with a 18-handicap man, and that I always like
+to have a sovereign on the match.' Now I never was much of a
+player&mdash;too erratic, I suppose. My handicap has gone up from
+12 to 18, and the last time I played it was about 24. But,
+exasperated by his swank, I suddenly found myself saying, 'My
+handicap is 12.' 'Very well,' replied the fat man, 'I'll give you 4
+strokes.' We went out to the first tee, and after he had made a
+moderate shot I hit the drive of my life. My second landed on the
+green and I ran down a long putt&mdash;this for a 4-bogey hole. I'm
+not going to bore you with details. I won the second and third
+holes, and then the fat man went to pieces. I never wanted any of
+my strokes and downed him by 5 and 3. As we re-entered the
+club-house my partner, who had become strangely silent, walked up
+to the board which gives the list of handicaps and looked at them.
+There was my name with 18 opposite it. 'I thought you said your
+handicap was 12,' he observed. 'Well,' I answered, 'it wasn't more
+than that this morning.' The fat man was very angry. He said he
+would report me to the committee, and he did. But the secretary
+(who happens to be my brother) played up nobly. He communicated
+with the secretary of the fat man's club, whom he happened to know,
+and, having found out that the fat man's handicap was not 6 but 12,
+he wrote to him to say that in view of the fact that 'the lies had
+been equally bad on both sides' the committee did not propose to
+take any action. The fat man got no change out of my brother and I
+kept my sovereign."</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>The Globe Trotters.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Mr. and Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;, of Knysna, are on a visit
+to Knysna."&mdash;<i>South African Paper.</i></blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page125" name="page125"></a>[pg
+125]</span>
+<div class="figure" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/125.png"><img width="100%" src="images/125.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p>THE MAYOR AND CORPORATION OF SPARKLINGTON-ON-SEA SOLEMNLY
+TOUCHING WOOD ON THE OCCASION OF THEIR SENDING OUT TO THE PRESS A
+NOTICE THAT THEIR TOWN HAS NEVER SUFFERED FROM ENEMY AIR-RAIDS.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>V.A.D.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>There's an angel in our ward as keeps a-flittin' to and fro</p>
+<p>With fifty eyes upon 'er wherever she may go;</p>
+<p>She's as pretty as a picture and as bright as mercury,</p>
+<p>And she wears the cap and apron of a V.A.D.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The Matron she is gracious and the Sister she is kind,</p>
+<p>But they wasn't born just yesterday and lets you know their
+mind;</p>
+<p>The M.O. and the Padre is as thoughtful as can be,</p>
+<p>But they ain't so good to look at as our V.A.D.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>She's a honourable miss because 'er father is a dook,</p>
+<p>But, Lord, you'd never guess it and it ain't no good to look</p>
+<p>For 'er portrait in the illustrated papers, for you see</p>
+<p>She ain't an advertiser, not <i>our</i> V.A.D.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Not like them that wash a tea-cup in an orficer's canteen</p>
+<p>And then "Engaged in War Work" in the weekly Press is seen;</p>
+<p>She's on the trot from morn to night and busy as a bee,</p>
+<p>And there's 'eaps of wounded Tommies bless that V.A.D.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>She's the lightest 'and at dressin's and she polishes the
+floor,</p>
+<p>She feeds Bill Smith who'll never never use 'is 'ands no
+more;</p>
+<p>And we're all of us supporters of the harristocracy</p>
+<p>'Cos our weary days are lightened by that V.A.D.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And when the War is over, some knight or belted earl,</p>
+<p>What's survived from killin' Germans, will take 'er for 'is
+girl;</p>
+<p>They'll go and see the pictures and then 'ave shrimps and
+tea;</p>
+<p>'E's a lucky man as gets 'er&mdash;and don't I wish 'twas
+me!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+<p>In <i>No Man's Land</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is revealed a
+breadth of vision which may astonish some of us who have been
+inclined to regard SAPPER as merely a talented story-teller. Among
+the writers on the War I place him first, for the simple reason
+that I like him best; and I am not at all sure that I should like
+him any better if he cured himself of his cardinal fault. With his
+tongue in his cheek he dashes away from his story to give us either
+a long or short digression; no more confirmed digressionist ever
+put pen to paper, and the wonderful thing is that these wanton
+excursions are worth following. True he often apologises for them,
+but I do not think that we need take these apologies seriously.
+This book is divided into four parts, "The Way to the Land," "The
+Land," "Seed Time," and "Harvest," and in "Seed Time," at any rate,
+we have a series of chapters which require not only to be read but
+to be thought over. But whether he is out for fun, as in "Bendigo
+Jones&mdash;His <span class="pagenum"><a id="page126" name=
+"page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> Tree," or for pathos, as in
+"Morphia," he obtains his effects without the smallest appearance
+of effort. And I reserve a special word of praise for "My Lady of
+the Jasmine," and commend it to the notice of those pessimists who
+hold that only the French and the Americans can write a good short
+story. Thank the powers that be for SAPPER.</p>
+<hr />
+<p><i>The Loom of Youth</i> (GRANT RICHARDS) is yet another school
+story, but with a difference, the difference being, partly at
+least, that it is written by one who has so lately ceased to belong
+himself to the life described that his account must carry an
+authority altogether unusual. Here, one feels, is that strange and
+so-soon-forgotten country revealed for us from within, and by a
+native denizen. For this alone Mr. ALEC WAUGH'S book merits the
+epithet remarkable; indeed, considered as the work of "a lad of
+seventeen," its vitality, discretion and general maturity of tone
+seem little short of amazing. Realism is the note of it. The modern
+schoolboy, as Mr. WAUGH paints him, employs, for example, a
+vocabulary whose frequency, and freedom may possibly startle the
+parental reader. Apart from this one might call the book an
+indictment of hero-worship, as heroism is understood in a society
+where (still!) athletic eminence places its possessor above all
+laws. This in itself is so old an educational problem that it is
+interesting to find it handled afresh in a study of ultra-modern
+boyhood. The actual matter of the tale, individual character in its
+reaction to system, is naturally common to most school stories; but
+even here Mr. WAUGH has contrived to give an ending both original
+and sincere. Prophecy is dangerous; but from a writer who has
+proved so brilliantly that, for once, <i>jeunesse peut</i>, one
+seems justified in hoping that enlarged experience will result in
+work of the highest quality.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Quite a host of moral reflections, none of them very original,
+flock to one's mind in considering by what devious ways our Italian
+allies came to range themselves on the side of that freedom which
+they have always loved as well and bravely as any of the rest of
+us. For instance&mdash;a very stale reflection&mdash;one sees
+Germany overdoing her own cleverness and under-rating that of her
+neighbours&mdash;this more especially in her arrogant dominance of
+Italy's commerce; further, one notices the Hun's Belgian
+brutalities costing him dear in a quarter least expected; and again
+one realises Italy's decision as a thing mainly dependent, in spite
+of all Germany's taking little ways, on a righteous hatred of
+Austria&mdash;a consideration which brings one surprisingly near to
+gratitude towards the big-bully Government of Vienna. Our southern
+ally's loyalty to her beautiful "unredeemed" provinces, and her
+claim, which all right-minded Englishmen (I include myself) most
+heartily endorse, to dominate the historically Italian waters of
+the Adriatic, happily proved too strong for a machine-made sympathy
+for Berlin based on nothing better than a superficial resemblance
+between the histories of Piedmont and Prussia, and a record of
+nominal alliance with powers whose respect for paper treaties was
+always fairly apparent. All the same, in reading Mr. W. KAY
+WALLACE'S essay in recent history, <i>Greater Italy</i>
+(CONSTABLE), a volume which I cannot too strongly commend for its
+admirable way of telling these and similar things, I am struck most
+of all by the super-incumbent mass of Germanism that had to be
+burst asunder before the true Italy broke free. The story of that
+liberation is romance of an amazing order, for in it one sees the
+very soul of a great and ancient people struggling to renewal of
+life. It is more than good to have such an ally, it is an
+inspiration.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>If you wish to complete your knowledge of the working of our new
+armies and learn something of the business of the A.S.C. you can do
+so without being bored in <i>L. of C.</i> (CONSTABLE), by Captain
+JAMES AGATE. The author is one of that bright band of Mancunians
+which <i>The Manchester Guardian</i> has attached to its august
+fringes. He writes of the business in hand, the vagaries of stores
+and indents and mere men and brass hats, on this and the other side
+of the Channel, all with a very light and engaging pen, and then
+spreads himself on any old far-off thing that interests him, such
+as the theatre, perhaps a little self-consciously and with a
+pleasant air of swagger most forgivable and, indeed, enjoyable. His
+chief preoccupation is with art and letters, it is clear; but,
+turning from them to the handling of urgent things and difficult
+men, he faces the business manfully. Of the men in particular he
+has illuminating things to say, redounding to their credit and, by
+implication, to his. To those who appreciate form in penwork this
+book may be safely recommended.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/126.png"><img width="100%" src="images/126.png" alt=
+"" /></a> <i>Allotment Tripper.</i> "THIS HERE NORTH SEA DON'T HALF
+WANT WEEDING."</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>The Welcome.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Mr. F.H. &mdash;&mdash;, the newly co-opted member of
+the Hampstead Board of Guardians, attended his first meeting of the
+Board on Thursday, and lost his umbrella."&mdash;<i>Hampstead and
+Highgate Express.</i></blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote><center>"BEET COMMISSION CONCLUDES BUSINESS.</center>
+Petrograd, July 9.&mdash;Except for a few final
+conferences with the members of the Russian Government, the work
+here of the Root Commission virtually has been concluded."<br />
+<i>The Daily Gleaner (Jamaica).</i></blockquote>
+<p>How headlines jump to conclusions! The Hon. ELIHU ROOT is, we
+feel confident, anything but beet.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From a Parish Magazine:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"BOY SCOUTS.&mdash;The troop held their annual sports
+on Saturday.... The burden of arrangements for all fell upon the
+Scoutmaster (Rev. &mdash;&mdash;), and showed how great is the need
+for him to have some capable assistants."</blockquote>
+<p>Still, was it quite tactful to say so?</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+153, Aug 15, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 ***
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2261 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Aug 15, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Aug 15, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 19, 2004 [EBook #11169]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+
+
+AUGUST 15, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"In the heroic days of 1914," says Count REVENTLOW, "God gave us our
+daily bread and our daily victory." We feel sure that, as regards the
+provision of victories, some recognition ought to be made of the able
+assistance of the WOLFF Bureau.
+
+       ***
+
+We read with some surprise that, in the motor collision in which he
+participated recently, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S car _was run into_ by
+another coming in the opposite direction. This is not the Antwerp spirit
+that the Munitions Department is waiting for.
+
+       ***
+
+A movement is on foot for the presentation of a suitable testimonial to
+the people of Dundee for returning Mr. CHURCHILL to Parliament, after
+being distinctly requested not to do so by a certain morning paper.
+
+       ***
+
+"What shall we do with the Allotment Harvest?" asks _The Evening News_.
+It seems only too probable that, unless a national effort is made to
+preserve them, some of the world's noblest vegetables will have to be
+eaten.
+
+       ***
+
+"Just as a soldier gives his valour or a captain of industry his
+talent," said Lord CURZON, speaking on the sale of titles, "so a wealthy
+man gives his wealth, which is very often his only asset, for the
+benefit of his country." Nothing like a delicate compliment or two to
+encourage him in the good work.
+
+       ***
+
+A lively correspondence has been filling the columns of a contemporary
+under the heading, "The Facts about Bacon." The discussion seems to have
+turned upon the famous line, "There's something rotten from the state of
+Denmark."
+
+       ***
+
+Sixpenny paper notes are now being issued in various parts of Germany.
+If you can't find anything to buy with them you can use them to patch
+the new paper trousers.
+
+       ***
+
+Judging by his recent speech, Herr VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has lost heart
+and found a liver.
+
+       ***
+
+At a recent inquest it was stated that a doctor had prepared a death
+certificate while deceased was still alive. The subsequent correct
+behaviour of the patient is regarded as a distinct feather in the
+medical profession's cap.
+
+       ***
+
+A nephew of Field-Marshal VON HINDENBUBG has just joined the United
+States Navy, but the rumour that upon hearing this HINDENBURG tried to
+look severe is of course an impossible story.
+
+       ***
+
+The sum of sixty pounds has been taken from the Ransom Lane Post Office,
+Hull, and burglars are reminded that withdrawals of money from the Post
+Office cannot in future be allowed unless application is first made on
+the prescribed form.
+
+       ***
+
+Baron SONNINO, the Italian Minister for Foreign Affairs, was accorded a
+truly British welcome on his arrival in this country. It rained all day.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears from a weekly paper that the KAISER is fond of nice quiet
+amusement. If this is so we cannot understand his refusal to have a
+Reichstag run on lines similar to the British Parliament.
+
+       ***
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON'S physical recreations, says _The Daily Mail_, are
+officially stated to be riding, golf and cycling. Unofficially, we
+believe, he has occasionally done some drilling.
+
+       ***
+
+At a recent pacifist meeting in Bristol Councillor THOMPSON declared
+that he was with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in the South African War, but was
+against him in the present campaign. The authorities are doing their
+best to keep the news from the PREMIER.
+
+       ***
+
+A man at Tottenham has been fined five pounds for feeding a horse with
+bread. We understand that action was taken on the initiative of the
+R.S.P.C.A.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Government is doing everything possible to curry favour with
+its people. It has now commandeered all stocks of soap.
+
+       ***
+
+A Bermondsey house of amusement has organised a competition, in which
+the competitors have to eat a pudding with their hands tied. This of
+course is a great improvement on the modern and more difficult game of
+trying to eat a lump of sugar in a restaurant with full use of the
+hands, and even legs.
+
+       ***
+
+An official notice in the British Museum Library states that readers
+will incur little risk during air raids, "except from a bomb that bursts
+in the room." It is the ability to think out things like this which
+raises the official mind so high above the ordinary.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Government, says the _Gazette de Lausanne_, is establishing a
+regular business base in Berne. We have no illusions as to the base
+business that will be conducted from it.
+
+       ***
+
+"When a German travels round the world," said Dr. MICHAELIS in a lecture
+delivered twenty-five years ago, "he cannot help being terribly envious
+of England." Funnily enough he is as envious as ever, even though the
+opportunities for travel are no longer available.
+
+       ***
+
+When the Folkestone raid syren goes off, a man told the Dover Council,
+it blows your hat off. On the other hand if it doesn't go off you may
+not have anywhere to wear a hat, so what are you to do?
+
+       ***
+
+Willesden allotment-holders are complaining of a shortage of male blooms
+on their vegetable-marrow plants. This is the first intimation we have
+had of the calling-up of this class.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE
+SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THRILLS FROM THE TERMINI.
+
+Mr. Punch, following the example of his daily contemporaries, despatched
+a representative to some of the great London termini to note the August
+exodus from town. The following thrilling report is to hand:--
+
+At Waterton and Paddingloo great crowds continued to board the limited
+number of West-bound and South-west-bound trains. On being asked why
+they were leaving town, those of the travellers who answered at all said
+it was the regular time for their annual holiday and they wanted a
+change. They were mostly a jolly hearty lot, happily confident that at
+some time in the course of the next forty-eight hours they would be
+deposited in some part of the West or South-west of England. Those
+fortunate persons who had secured seats were sitting down, those who
+were unable to get seats were standing, and, in spite of the congested
+state of the carriages and corridors, almost all were smiling, the
+exceptions being those highly-strung and excitable passengers who had
+come to blows over corner seats and windows up or down. Many of the
+travellers carried baskets of food. Your representative, anxious to
+report on the quality and quantity of the provisions carried, ventured
+to peep into one of the baskets, and was in consequence involved in a
+rather unpleasant affair, being actually accused of having abstracted a
+sandwich!
+
+The engine-driver, questioned as to whether he liked having passengers
+on the engine and whether he considered it safe for them, was understood
+to say that so long as they didn't get in his way it didn't matter to
+him, and as to its being safe for them, he jolly well didn't care
+whether it was safe for them or not. The guard, detained by the sleeve
+by your representative, who inquired how he felt about being almost
+crowded out of his brake by passengers, drew away his sleeve with some
+violence and his answer was quite unworthy to be reported. An elderly
+but strongly-built porter, with the luggage of fourteen families on his
+truck, and the fourteen families surrounding him and all talking at
+once, was approached by your representative for a little quiet chat, but
+he became so threatening that it was thought advisable to leave him
+alone.
+
+At Ticvoria Station your representative found a seething mob intent on
+getting to those ever popular and already much overcrowded South-coast
+resorts, Paradeville, Shingleton-on-Sea, Promenade Bay, etc. The
+eleven-o'clock "Paradeville fast," due to start in half-an-hour, was at
+No. 20 platform. All sitting and standing room had been occupied for
+some hours, and the passengers were enjoying the sport of seeing the
+later arrivals running the whole length of the train and back again in
+the mad hope of finding places. Your representative managed to get a
+word with some of these later arrivals, and asked them how they liked
+running up and down, and whether they were much disappointed at not
+finding room; but the answers were mostly unsatisfactory and in some
+cases uncivil. The booking-clerk, questioned as to the phraseology
+employed by August holiday folk in asking for their tickets, whether it
+is "Third return, please," or "Third return," or "Third return and look
+sharp," showed by his answer that the expression "please" is falling
+into desuetude on these occasions, his exact words being "There's
+precious little 'please' knocking about, and anyone who has the cheek to
+tell me to 'look sharp' is jolly well kept waiting till the last!" Your
+representative, wishing to report at first-hand the experience of those
+who were travelling thirty in a compartment meant to accommodate ten in
+the "Paradeville fast," tried to get in and make a thirty-first,
+explaining that it was only for a minute and was with the object of
+getting local colour, but was forcibly expelled, and, falling on the
+platform and sustaining some slight contusions, decided to cease
+reporting on August scenes at the great termini for that day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO DUMB WARRIORS.
+
+I.--HYLDEBRAND.
+
+When the Heatherdale Hussars received a two-hours' notice to "trek"
+they, of course, dumped their mascot, Hyldebrand, a six-months-old wild
+boar, at the Town Major's. They would have done the same with a baby or
+a full-grown hippopotamus. The harassed T.M. discovered Hyldebrand in
+the next stable to his slightly hysterical horse the morning after the
+H.H. had evacuated, and informed me (his village Sanitary Inspector)
+that "as I was fond of animals" (he had seen me distributing fly-traps
+and painting horse-trough notice-boards) I was henceforth in sole
+command of Hyldebrand until such time as his owners should reclaim him.
+A grant of five sous _per diem_ had been left for the piglette's
+maintenance.
+
+I took charge of Hyldebrand, provided an old dog-kennel for his shelter,
+an older dog-collar for his adornment and six yards of "flex" for his
+restraint. I further appointed the runner--a youth from Huddersfield,
+nicknamed "Isinglass," in playful sarcastic comment on his speed--second
+in command. He was to feed, groom and exercise Hyldebrand. I would
+inspect Hyldebrand twice a week.
+
+Hyldebrand rose fast in village popularity. One forgot that his parents
+had been shot for cattle maiming, body snatching, breaking into
+granaries and defying the gendarmerie on the public roads. But Hyldy was
+all docility. He ate his way through the grant, the office stationery,
+and the central tin dump with the most disarming _naivete_. He was the
+spoilt darling of every mess. The reflected glory which Isinglass and
+myself enjoyed was positively embarrassing.
+
+But as the summer advanced so did Hyldebrand. He became (to quote his
+keeper) a "battle pig," with the head of a pantomime dragon,
+fore-quarters of a bison, the hind-legs of a deer and a back like an
+heraldic scrubbing-brush. In March I had inspected him as he sat upon my
+knee. In June I shook hands with him as he strained at his tether. In
+mid-September we nodded to each other from opposite sides of a barbed
+wire fence. Yet Isinglass retained the most complete mastery of his
+ferocious-looking protege, and beneath his skilful massage Hyldebrand
+would throw himself upon the ground and guggle in a porcine ecstacy.
+
+One sunny afternoon, when there had come upon the little village street
+the inevitable hush which preceded Hyldebrand's hour for exercise, I
+espied the village cripple making for his home with the celerity of an A
+1 man. He glared reproachfully at me, and, with an exclamation of
+"_Sacre sanglier!_" vanished in the open doorway of the local
+boulangerie, that being nearer than his cottage. Then came Hyldebrand,
+froth on his snout and murder in his little eyes, and after him
+Isinglass more than living up to his equine namesake. I joined him, and,
+following Hyldy in a cloud of dust, the runner informed me between gasps
+that it was "along of burning his snout-raking for a bully-beef tin in
+the insinuator."
+
+A band outside B Mess was nearing the climax of GRIEG'S "Peer Gynt"
+suite. Hyldebrand just failed to perpetrate the time-worn gag of jumping
+through the big drum, but he contrived to make that final crashing chord
+sound like the last sneeze of a giant dying of hay-fever. The rest the
+crowd saw through a film of dust. Hyldebrand headed for the turning by
+the school, reached it as the gates opened to release young France, and
+comedy would have turned to tragedy but for the point duty M.P. and his
+revolver.
+
+There was a note and a parcel for me a day or so after. The note, which
+was addressed to and had been opened by the T.M., stated that Hyldebrand
+was being sent for by the Heatherdale Hussars on the morrow. Outside the
+parcel was scrawled, above the initials of the G.H.Q. officers' cook, a
+friend of mine, "It's top hole--try it with a drop of sauce." Inside was
+a cold pork chop!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW LOAF.
+
+MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "LUCKY RHONDDA! BUT I TAUGHT HIM THOSE NUMBERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+II.--ERMYNTRUDE.
+
+It so happened in a quiet part of the line that men were scarce and work
+abundant, so it was decided to use mules to carry the rations further
+than usual. All went well until one night when friend Fritz changed his
+habits and put some assorted fireworks rather near the mules.
+
+Now the transport, being human and moreover unaccustomed to fireworks,
+disliked this entertainment. Therefore they sought what shelter they
+could. In a few minutes the Hun repented, but no mules and no rations
+could the transport see. Moreover it began to rain. So back they went
+and spoke at great length of the hundreds of seventeen-inch which had
+blown up all the mules.
+
+The morning began to come and a machine-gun subaltern, looking at a
+black East in search of daylight, so that he might say, "It is now
+light; I may go to bed," was somewhat startled. "For," he said, "I have
+received shocks as the result of too much whisky of old, but from a
+split tea and chloride of lime--no! It must be the pork and beans."
+However, he collected eight puzzled but peaceful mules and handed them
+to a still more bewildered adjutant, who knew not if they were "trench
+stores" or "articles to be returned to salvage."
+
+In the meanwhile the Transport Officer was making inquiries, and he
+recovered the eight mules. "All," he said, "are back, except Ermyntrude.
+I grieve for Ermyntrude, but still more for my driver's fate."
+
+Where Ermyntrude spent the day no one knows. All that is known is of her
+conduct the next night. About eleven o'clock she stepped on a shelter,
+and, being a heavy mule, came into the trench abruptly. This worried but
+did not hurt her, and she proceeded down the trench at a steady trot,
+bumping into the traverses. She met a ration party, and for the first
+time in their lives they took refuge over the top, for Ermyntrude was
+angry.
+
+Ermyntrude reached the end of the trench and somehow got out, heading,
+by chance, for Germany. That was her undoing. In a minute or so three
+machine-guns began firing, bombs and rifle shots were heard, and Verey
+lights innumerable flared. We never saw Ermyntrude again. But we heard
+of her--or rather we read of her--for the German official report wrote
+her epitaph, thus: "Near the village of ---- hostile raiding detachments
+were repulsed by our machine-gun fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Monica (taken in to see her mother and her new sister,
+who is fretful--to nurse)_. "TAKE HER AWAY AND BRING ONE THAT DOESN'T
+CRY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR ALLOTMENT-HOLDERS.
+
+"LET US SPRAY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"We welcome back to a position he once filled so well, the Rev. ----,
+who is taking on the pork of the parish for the duration of the
+war."--_Bath and Wilts Chronicle_.
+
+We trust it will agree with him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WANTED, a Very Plain Girl, very good references and photo asked, to
+care for three children and do housework."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+You can almost see the green-eyed monster lurking in the background.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+_Soulful Soldier (carried away by red sunset)._ "BY JOVE! LOOK AT THAT!
+ISN'T IT GLORIOUS?"
+
+_His Tent Mate._ "YUS. ANOTHER MUCKIN' 'OT DAY TO-MORRER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LXIV.
+
+    MY DEAR CHARLES,--Since I last wrote to you I have enjoyed
+    seeing again an officer with whom I had many curious dealings in
+    the past, and who, if half the facts he divulges about himself
+    were true, would certainly be the wickedest Colonel in the
+    B.E.F., notwithstanding that he fought busily in the early
+    stages and had the best part of himself knocked out in so doing.
+    He has performed many strange duties since, and the steps he
+    took to qualify for one of them will, I think, illustrate for
+    you his wickedness.
+
+    It has been found, on experience, that modesty is out of place
+    when you are being called upon to state your qualifications for
+    a post. The knowing, upon being asked if they possess certain
+    attributes, reply in an immediate affirmative and add others,
+    just to be on the safe side. It is felt that what is really
+    required in this War is thrust and ingenuity, things which
+    adequately make up for the absence of any specialist knowledge.
+    Accordingly my friend found himself described as possessing,
+    among other things, "French, fluent." It was not until he was
+    informed that the Official Interpreter would like to hear a
+    little of this that he looked more closely into the matter and
+    discovered that he knew no French at all. Undismayed, he spent
+    the two days' interval before the _viva-voce_ examination in
+    learning some. You might suppose that two days is a short time
+    in which to become so familiar with a strange language that you
+    may be able to understand and answer any question which may be
+    put to you in it. Sly friend, however, did not let this worry
+    him. He learnt by heart a long and detailed narrative, embracing
+    all the most impressive idioms and all the most popular slang,
+    the subject of which was an accident which had occurred to him
+    in the earlier days of the campaign, a long and a vivid story,
+    which, once started, would last indefinitely and could not be
+    interrupted meanwhile.
+
+    Armed with no other knowledge of the French language than this,
+    my friend duly presented himself before the Official
+    Interpreter, greeted him with a genial salute and waited
+    throughout his opening speech, which was in French and contained
+    many inquiries.
+
+    My friend made no endeavour to follow these simple questions. He
+    knew he couldn't succeed and had no intention of giving himself
+    away by an attempt. Advancing towards the Interpreter's table
+    and putting his right hand to his ear, "Pardon, monsieur," he
+    said, "mais je suis un peu sourd, depuis mon accident."
+
+    "Quel accident?" said the Interpreter; after which my friend did
+    not stop talking until he was passed out with a "French,
+    garrulous."
+
+    We met quite recently and talked over things in general, telling
+    each other, in confidence and on the best authority, all those
+    exciting details of the progress of the War which men go on
+    saying and believing until they are officially contradicted.
+    Getting down to realities, he told me that he has now the
+    greatest difficulty in believing in the War at all, though he is
+    within ear-shot of it all the time. His difficulty is due to the
+    last thing he saw before he left his office: three men standing
+    at his gate, in that attitude of contented and contemplative
+    leisure which one associates with Saturday afternoons and
+    village pumps, looking at nothing in particular and spitting
+    thoughtfully as occasion required. One of them was a British
+    soldier, one a French soldier and one a German soldier. The
+    whole picture suggested anything but war; if there was a war on,
+    which nation was fighting against which? My friend, however, is
+    somewhat oddly situated in this respect, since he commands for
+    the moment a detachment of German prisoners in our back area.
+    Some of them, he tells me, are extraordinarily smart. One
+    Prussian N.C.O. in particular was remarkable. Dressed in his
+    impressive overcoat, hatted for all the world like our Staff and
+    carrying under his arm his dapper cane, this N.C.O. went round
+    from group to group of working prisoners, accompanying the
+    English sergeant in charge of the party and interpreting the
+    latter's orders to the men. So striking was his get-up that all
+    paused to look at him.
+
+    Thinking it might please you, my friend showed me an official
+    memo., which he had just received from one of his officers in
+    command of an outlying detachment, and of course of the odds and
+    ends of British personnel adhering thereto: cooks, guards, etc.
+    The memo. ran as follows, and it repays careful study and
+    thinking out; I give you the whole of it:--
+
+        "_To the Commanding Officer, Orderly Room, Hqrs._"
+
+        The undermentioned is in my opinion entirely unfitted
+        for the duty to which he has been detailed with this
+        detachment. He shows no signs of either intelligence or
+        industry, and I propose, with your approval, to take the
+        necessary steps to get rid of him forthwith.
+
+        A. B. SMITH,
+
+        _Capt. i.c. 'B' Detachment._
+
+    My friend was much concerned to hit upon exactly the right form
+    of reply. Eventually we agreed:--
+
+        "_To Capt. A. B. Smith, i.c. 'B' Detachment._
+
+        Good-bye.
+
+        C. D. JONES,
+
+        _Lt.-Col., O.C., etc., etc._"
+
+    Finally, let me tell you a disgraceful tale of my same friend,
+    which does not refer to his present command, and is, I hope,
+    untrue of him in any command.
+
+    The crowd for which he was then responsible was suddenly
+    threatened with inspection by the General who is charged with
+    the welfare of such people, and who very properly desired to
+    satisfy himself that they were both well disciplined and well
+    tended. So that success might be assured my friend had a
+    rehearsal parade. All inspections and manoeuvres being
+    completed, my friend stood the crowd at ease and thus addressed
+    them:--
+
+        "All ranks will take the utmost care to turn themselves
+        out smartly for the inspection and to make the
+        inspection a success. As the General passes along the
+        lines inspecting you, you will stand rigidly to
+        attention, eyes front. You will be asked if you have any
+        complaints to make, and each of you will have an
+        opportunity of making a complaint in the correct manner.
+
+        "In making his complaint the man should advance two
+        paces forward, salute smartly, stand to attention and
+        make his complaint.
+
+        "And, by Heavens, if anybody does...!"
+
+    Yours ever,
+
+    HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRACT FOR GROUSERS.
+
+Ernest and I were seated by the river. It was very pleasant there, and
+it seemed a small thing to us that we were both still disabled.
+
+"Did you ever say to yourself, when you were out there, that if ever you
+got out of it alive you'd never grumble at anything again?'" said
+Ernest.
+
+My reply was in the affirmative.
+
+We were silent for a while, remorse weighing heavily upon us.
+
+"The worst case," said Ernest at length, "was when I got my commission
+and came home for my kit."
+
+I composed myself to listen, piously determined not to grumble however
+tedious I might find his recital.
+
+"We'd been near a place called Ypres," he began.
+
+"I seem to have heard the name," I murmured.
+
+"I hadn't been sleeping really well for a week--we'd been in the
+trenches that time--and before that I had lain somewhat uneasily upon a
+concrete floor."
+
+"Yes, concrete is hard, isn't it?" I said.
+
+"We came out at three in the morning, and arrived at our billets about
+seven. I knew this commission was on the _tapis_--French word meaning
+carpet--so I hung round not daring to turn in. At eleven o'clock I had
+orders to push off home to get my kit. You'll guess I didn't want asking
+twice. I made my way to the railhead at once in case of any hitch, and
+had to wait some time for a train. It was a goods train when it came,
+but it did quite well and deposited me outside the port of embarkation
+about nine o'clock at night. I walked on into the port and found the
+ship that was crossing next morning. I went below in search of a cabin.
+There was a French sailor there to whom I explained my need."
+
+"How?" I asked, for I do not share Ernest's opinion of his mastery of
+the French language, but he ignored this.
+
+"It was dark down there," he went on, "too dark for him to see that I
+was in a private's uniform, so I put on a bit of side and he took me for
+an officer."
+
+"A French officer?"
+
+"Very likely. Anyway he found me a beautiful cabin with a lovely couch
+in it all covered with plush. You would have thought I should want
+nothing but to be left to sleep; but no, I saw that the officer in the
+next cabin had a candle, and there was no candle for me. Instantly my
+worst instincts were aroused. I felt I was being put upon. I demanded a
+candle. The sailor declared there wasn't one left."
+
+"You're sure he understood what you were asking for?"
+
+"Yes, I know that candle is boogy, thank you. I argued with him for ten
+minutes and then turned in, grumbling. Queer, wasn't it?"
+
+"Yes," I said.
+
+I sat there for a while, thinking over Ernest's story, which had, it
+seemed to me, something of the tract about it.
+
+Later the midges began to attack us.
+
+"Aren't these midges absolutely--" I began, and then stopped,
+remembering Ernest's tract. It only shows, as I said to Ernest, that we
+may learn something even from the most unlikely people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Wanted, a strong Boy, about 15 years old, for bottling, &c. The
+Brewery, Brixham."
+
+_The Western Guardian._
+
+"Waiter, bring me a bottle of the boy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"... contest the right of the Spanish authorities to intern damaged
+submarines seeking refuse in neutral ports."--_Star._
+
+The Spanish authorities are expected to reply that if that is what the
+U-boats are after there is no need for them to leave home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Artist._ "BY GAD! OLD PARSLEY'S SURPASSED
+HIMSELF. LAMB CUTLETS, TWO CHOCOLATE CAKES AND THREE LUMPS OF SUGAR.
+RATTLING GOOD SUBJECT."
+
+_Second Artist._ "I THOUGHT OF ONE NEARLY AS GOOD, BUT COULDN'T AFFORD
+THE MODELS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+_(The GERMAN CROWN PRINCE and Fritz, his Valet.)_
+
+_The Crown Prince (in bed and yawning)._ Is that you, Fritz?
+
+_Fritz._ Yes, your Royal Highness. What uniform shall I lay out for his
+Royal Highness?
+
+_The C.P._ You can lay out the best I have--the one of the Death's Head
+Hussars, with all my stars and medals. I am expecting an important
+visit.
+
+_Fritz (with a meaning smile)._ If I might venture so far, I would
+suggest to his Royal Highness that he should wear the Trench uniform,
+which I arranged with the bullet-holes and the mud-splashes. It creates
+a greater effect, especially if the visitor be a lady.
+
+_The C.P._ Fritz, you dog, how dare you? Very well, have it your own way
+and let it be the Trench uniform.
+
+_Fritz._ I am only anxious to promote his Royal Highness's interest in
+every possible way.
+
+_The C.P._ I know, I know. Only we shall have old HINDENBURG growling
+and grunting and looking as black as a thundercloud. I cannot imagine
+what my revered father sees in that old wooden effigy, whose only idea
+of strategy is to retreat from strong positions. That, at any rate, is
+not the fashion in which I have learnt war. I'm thoroughly tired of
+hearing of all these HINDENBURG plans, which come to nothing.
+
+_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness is, of course, right. But what I say to
+myself is that the ALL-HIGHEST, your Royal Highness's most gracious
+father, has in all this a deep-laid design to show conclusively that all
+these HINDENBURG plans mean nothing, so that in the end true skill and
+merit may have a chance, and the chief command may be placed in the only
+hands that are fit to exercise it. Oh, yes, I know what I'm talking
+about, and everyone I meet says the same.
+
+_The C.P._ I have always felt that that must be so. No matter, a time
+will come. By the way, Fritz, have you packed up the _Sevres_
+dinner-service?
+
+_Fritz._ I have already packed six from as many different French and
+Belgian houses, and have sent them to Berlin, according to your Royal
+Highness's directions. Which does your Royal Highness refer to?
+
+_The C.P._ I mean the one with the simple pattern of pink flowers and
+the coat-of-arms.
+
+_Fritz._ Yes, that I have packed like the rest and have sent off.
+
+_The C.P._ And the silver dishes and the lace?
+
+_Fritz._ Yes, they have all gone.
+
+_The C.P._ Good. And the clocks?
+
+_Fritz._ Yes, I did in every case what your Royal Highness ordered me to
+do.
+
+_The C.P._ And you packed them, I hope, with the greatest care?
+
+_Fritz._ I did; nothing, I am certain, will suffer damage.
+
+_The C.P._ Excellent. War is, no doubt, a rough and brutal affair, but
+at least it cannot be said that we Prussians do not behave like
+gentlemen.
+
+_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness speaks, as always, the plain truth. How
+different from the degenerate French and the intolerable English.
+
+_The C.P._ Yes, Fritz; and now you can go. Stay; there was something I
+wanted to ask you. Dear me, I am losing my memory. Ah! I have it. How is
+my offensive getting on? Has any news come in from the _Chemin des
+Dames_?
+
+_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness's offensive has not advanced to any great
+extent. The French last night recaptured all their positions and even
+penetrated into ours.
+
+_The C.P._ Did they? How very annoying. Somebody bungled, of course.
+Well, well, I shall have to put it right when I have time. Have you
+finished laying out my uniform? Yes. Then you can go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUMILIATION OF THE PALFREY.
+
+  Where is she now, the pride of the battalion,
+    That ambled always at the Colonel's side,
+  A fair white steed, like some majestic galleon
+    Which takes deliberate the harbour tide,
+      So soft, so slow, she scarcely seems to stir?
+      And that, indeed, was very true of her
+      Who was till late, so kind her character,
+    The only horse the Adjutant could ride.
+
+  Ever she led the regiment on its journeys,
+    And held sweet converse with the Colonel's gee:
+  Of knights, no doubt, and old heroic tourneys,
+    And how she bare great ladies o'er the lea;
+      And on high hill-sides, when the men felt dead,
+      Far up the height they viewed her at the head,
+      A star of hope, and shook themselves, and said,
+    "If she can do it, dammit, so can we!"
+
+  But where is now my Adjutantial palfrey?
+    In front no longer but in rear to-day,
+  Behind the bicycles, and not at all free
+    To be familiar with the General's gray,
+      She walks in shame with all those misanthropes,
+      The sad pack-animals who have no hopes
+      But must by men be led about on ropes,
+    Condemned till death to carry S.A.A.,
+
+  And bombs, and beef, and officers' valises;
+    And I at eve have marked my wistful mare
+  By thronging dumps where cursing never ceases
+    And rations come, for oft she brings them there,
+      Patient, aloof; and when the shrapnel dropp'd
+      And the young mules complained and kicked and hopp'd,
+      She only stood unmoved, with one leg propp'd,
+    As if she heard it not or did not care;
+
+  Or heard, maybe, but hoped to get a Blighty;
+    For on her past she lately seemed to brood
+  And dreamed herself once more among the mighty,
+    By grooms beloved and reverently shoed;
+      But now she has no standing in the corps,
+      And Death itself would hardly be a bore,
+      Save that, although she carries me no more,
+    'Tis something still to carry up my food.
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAR-NOTE IN EXAMINATIONS.
+
+Extract from Smith Minor's Scripture paper:--
+
+    "And when Jephthah saw his daughter coming to meet him he was
+    very much upset. But he had to keep to his vow, so he gave her
+    two months' leave and then he killed her."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    Quoting a European statesman, saying the war would be won by the
+    last 500,000 bushels of what, Mr. Hoover said."--_New York
+    Times_.
+
+We trust Mr. HOOVER will hurry up with his peroration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I feel that I might claim almost a special kinship with Baron
+    Sonnino, because I believe his mother was a Welsh lady."
+
+    _"Weekly Dispatch" Report of Premier's Speech._
+
+    "Baron Sonnino, by the way, who is of half-Scottish extraction,
+    speaks English perfectly. How many of the master minds at our
+    Foreign Office speak Italian perfectly?"
+
+    _"Weekly Dispatch" Secret History of the Week._
+
+But in fairness to the "master minds" it should be remembered that few
+of them have the advantage of a Scotch father and a Welsh mother.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hospital Wardmaid (who has shown the new matron into her
+room)._--"WELL, I MUST SAY I HOPE YOU'VE COME TO STAY. YOU'LL BE THE
+SIXTH MATRON I'VE TRAINED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE BETTER 'OLE."
+
+I must congratulate Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN on his courage in transforming
+the Oxford Music-hall into a home of "the legitimate," and still more on
+his good fortune in securing for the initiation of his new venture the
+play which Captain BRUCE BAIRNSFATHER and Captain ARTHUR ELIOT have
+written round the adventures of "Old Bill." In form it resembles a
+_revue_, but I prefer to call it a play, because it possesses a plot,
+distinct if slight--an encumbrance banned by most _revue_ producers; and
+because it contains an abundance of honest spontaneous fun. The authors
+start with the advantage, if it be an advantage, that the principal
+characters are already familiar to the audience through the medium of
+Captain BAIRNSFATHER's popular drawings; but they have not been content
+with reproducing their well-known, now almost hackneyed, adventures, but
+have added many others which are new and yet "come into the picture."
+
+Their greatest piece of luck was in finding a comedian exactly fitted to
+fill the part of the humble hero. Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER as _Old Bill_ is
+absolutely "it." His make-up is perfect; he might have stepped out of
+the drawing, or sat for it, whichever you please. But, much more than
+that, he seems to have exactly realised the sort of man _Old Bill_
+probably is in real life--slow-speaking and stolid in manner, yet with a
+vein of common-sense underlying his apparent stupidity; much addicted to
+beer and other liquids, but not brutalized thereby; and, while often
+grousing and grumbling, nevertheless possessed almost unconsciously of a
+strong sense of duty and an undaunted determination to see it through.
+It is a tribute to the essential truthfulness of Captain BAIRNSFATHER'S
+conception and Mr. BOURCHIER'S acting that one comes away from _The
+Better 'Ole_ feeling that there must be thousands of _Old Bills_ at the
+Front fighting for our freedom.
+
+Admirable work is done, too, by Mr. TOM WOOTTWELL as _Bert_, the
+incorrigible amorist, for whom each new girl is "the only girl," and who
+has an apparently inexhaustible supply of identity-discs to leave with
+them as "sooveneers"; and by Mr. SINCLAIR COTTER as _Alf_, the cynical
+humourist--"Where were you eddicated, Eton or Harrod's?" is one of his
+best _mots_--who spends most of his time in wrestling with an automatic
+cigar-lighter. I think it would be only poetical justice if in the
+concluding scene, when _Old Bill_ comes into his own, the authors were
+for once to allow _Alf_ to succeed in lighting his "fag."
+
+Of the many ladies who add charm to the entertainment I can only mention
+Miss EDMEE DORMEUIL, who as _Victoire_ has an important share in the
+plot and saves _Old Bill's_ life; Miss GOODIE REEVE, who sings some
+capital songs; and Miss PEGGY DORAN, who looks bewitching as an officer
+of the Woman Workers' Corps. The music, arranged by Mr. HERMAN DAREWSKI,
+is catchy and not uncomfortably original: and the scenery, designed by
+Captain BAIRNSFATHER, gives one, I should say, as good an idea of the
+trenches as one can get without going there. In fine I would parody _Old
+Bill_ and say, "If you knows of a better show, go to it!"
+
+L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Perfect stranger (to Jones, who has not forgotten
+Willie's birthday)._ "AIN'T YOU ASHAMED TO GO BATTING THESE DAYS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE
+SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A MODERN MUSE.
+
+  O Metaphasia, peerless maid,
+    How can I fitly sing
+  The priceless decorative aid
+    To dialogue you bring,
+  Enabling serious folk, whose brains
+    Are commonplace and crude,
+  To soar to unimagined planes
+    Of sweet ineptitude.
+
+  Changed by your magic, common-sense
+    Nonsensical appears,
+  And stars of sober influence
+    Shoot madly from their spheres.
+  You lure us from the beaten track,
+    From minding P.'s and Q.'s,
+  To paths where white is always black
+    And pies resemble pews.
+
+  Strange beasts, more strange than the giraffe,
+    You conjure up to view,
+  The flue-box and the forking-calf,
+    Unknown at any Zoo;
+  And new vocations you unfold,
+    Wonder on wonder heaping,
+  Hell-banging for the over-bold,
+    And toffee-cavern keeping.
+
+  With you we hatch the pasty snipe,
+    And all undaunted face
+  Huge fish of unfamiliar type--
+    Bush-pike and bubble-dace;
+  Or, fired by hopes of lyric fame,
+    We deviate from prose,
+  And make it our especial aim
+    Bun-sonnets to compose.
+
+  I wonder did the ancients prove
+    Responsive to your spell,
+  Or, riveted to Reason's groove,
+    Against your charms rebel.
+  And yet some senator obese,
+    In Rome long years ago,
+  May have misnamed a masterpiece
+    _De Gallo bellico_.
+
+  We know there were heroic men
+    Ere AGAMEMNON'S days,
+  Who passed forgotten from our ken,
+    Lacking a poet's praise;
+  But, though great Metaphasiarchs
+    Have doubtless flourished sooner,
+  I'm sure their raciest remarks
+    Have been eclipsed by S-----r.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LIMIT.
+
+    "The daily cost of the war has shown an alarming tendency to
+    mount, and has gone beyond the 700 millions which some folk
+    thought must be the limit a few months ago."
+
+    _Sussex Daily News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Junior Assistant wanted to Grocery, Spirit and Provision
+    business; send copy references and salary expected."--_Irish
+    Paper._
+
+Quite a promising idea for getting more capital into a business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INVENTIONS.
+
+"Amongst a number of new inventions," says the _Frankfischer Tagwacht_,
+"is an imitation of the smell of Limburger cheese." This has caused some
+alarm and not a little interest in this country, as the following
+extracts will show:--
+
+"Berlin Resident" states that he has too long been fed up with imitation
+meals, and for weeks past has had nothing to eat but holes from
+Limburger.
+
+"Cynic" remarks that it is impossible for the German scientists to
+defeat the WOLFF wireless at inventions.
+
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is anxious to know whether they have yet
+discovered a substitute for _The Morning Post_.
+
+_The Times_ Greenwich correspondent wires: "If they have invented a
+method whereby a news report will make a noise like 'Passed by Censor'
+will they wire terms?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Inscription on a French picture post-card:--
+
+    "Une locomotive abandonee devant Thiepval.  One locomotive a
+    profligate woman forepart Thiepval."
+
+Smith minor is avenged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE REAL VOICE OF LABOUR.
+
+TOMMY. "SO YOU'RE GOING TO STOCKHOLM TO TALK TO FRITZ, ARE YOU? WELL,
+I'M GOING BACK TO FRANCE TO _FIGHT_ HIM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, August 6th._--This being Bank Holiday and the first fine day
+after a week's downpour, Members for the most part stayed away from
+Westminster. Some, it is charitably supposed, have gone to look after
+their allotments. Others, it is believed, have been kept away by a
+different reason. The taxicab-drivers, men constitutionally averse from
+extortion, have refused to enter the railway-station yards so long as
+the companies persist in exacting from them a whole penny for the
+privilege. Consequently some of our week-ending legislators are reported
+to be interned at Waterloo and Paddington, sitting disconsolately upon
+their portmanteaux. As an appeal to the Board of Trade elicited nothing
+more from Mr. G. ROBERTS than a disclaimer of personal responsibility,
+it is expected that redress will be sought from the Taxi-cabinet.
+
+Mr. HENDERSON'S dual personality continues to arouse curiosity. There
+was some justification for Mr. KING'S inquiry whether he went to
+Petrograd as a Ministerial _Jekyll_ or a Labourist _Hyde_. Mr. BONAR LAW
+assured the House that on this occasion at least Mr. HENDERSON went
+purely as a Cabinet Minister, guiltless of any duplicity.
+
+Mr. PROTHERO enlivened the discussion on the Corn Production Bill by a
+new clause providing that where a farmer failed to destroy the rabbits
+on his land the Board of Agriculture should have power to do it for him
+and recover the expenses incurred. Sir JOHN SPEAR expected that in some
+cases the rabbits secured would more than defray the cost of the
+capture, and declared that unless the farmer was allowed to keep the
+rabbits the Government would be guilty of "profiteering." As other
+agricultural Members appeared to share this view, Mr. PROTHERO, most
+obliging of Ministers, agreed to alter the word "cost" to "net cost." I
+hope no litigious farmer will seek to evade his liabilities on the
+ground that, as the Act only says "net cost," he need not pay for the
+ferrets.
+
+_Tuesday, August 7th._--Those peers who were supposed to be shaking in
+their shoes at the thought of Lord SELBORNE'S impending revelations as
+to the means by which they acquired their honours might have spared
+their tremors. He opened his bag to-day, but no cat jumped out, not even
+the smallest kitten. If he had given a single concrete example of a peer
+who, having notoriously no public services at his back, must be presumed
+to have purchased his title, he would have created some effect. But the
+admission that all his information on the subject was confidential cut
+the ground from under his feet; and needless to say none of the Peers
+whom he hypothetically accused of buying their coronets responded to his
+appeal by standing forth in a white sheet and making open confession of
+his crime.
+
+[Illustration: THE FOUNT OF HONOUR AT WORK.
+
+LORD CURZON CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT.]
+
+Lord SELBORNE was one of three heirs to peerages who a generation ago
+banded themselves together to resist elevation to the House of Lords.
+Another of them is Lord CURZON, who answered him to-night, and whose
+contempt for the Chamber which he now adorns seems to have grown with
+the years that he has spent in it. Reading between the lines of his
+speech a cynic could only infer that the Upper House, as at present
+constituted, is such a useless and superfluous assembly that it does not
+much matter who gets into it or by what venal ladder he climbs.
+
+The only peers who ventured to get to close quarters with the scandal
+were Lord KNUTSFORD, who told a moving tale of how a potential baronet
+diverted L25,000 from the London Hospital to a certain party fund, and
+thereby achieved his purpose; and Lord SALISBURY, who declared from his
+knowledge of Prime Ministers that they were sick of administering the
+system of which Lord CURZON was so ostentatiously ignorant.
+
+[Illustration: WINSTON'S GIFT TO HIS NEW PRIVATE SECRETARY, MR.
+MACCALLUM SCOTT.]
+
+Many reasons have been assigned for Mr. CHURCHILL'S reinclusion in the
+Ministry, but I am inclined to think that the real one has only just
+been discovered. Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT is one of the most pertinacious
+inquisitors of the Treasury Bench; he is also a whole-souled admirer of
+the Member for DUNDEE, and has written a book in eulogy of his
+achievements by sea and land. Mr. CHURCHILL has rewarded this devotion
+by appointing Mr. SCOTT his private secretary, and, as it is contrary to
+Parliamentary etiquette for a Member holding this position to
+interrogate other Ministers, has thereby conferred a distinct benefit
+upon his new colleagues. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is now reported to be on the
+look-out for other statesmen in whom Mr. HOGGE and Mr. PRINGLE repose a
+similar trust, but so far without success; and it is thought that his
+only chance is to make Mr. PRINGLE an Under-Secretary on condition that
+he takes Mr. HOGGE as his _ame damnee_, or _vice versa_.
+
+_Wednesday, August 8th._--Lord BURNHAM shocked some of the more ancient
+peers by his skittish references to the coming Conference on the Second
+Chamber. When he expressed the hope that Lord CURZON would make an
+explicit statement, on the ground that their Lordships' House was in no
+need of a soporific, I fully expected one of the occupants of the
+mausoleum to rise and reprove him in the words of Dr. JOHNSON, "Sir, in
+order to be facetious it is not necessary to be indecent."
+
+The advent of the feminine lawyer was rendered a little nearer when her
+champions successfully held up a Bill promoted by the Incorporated Law
+Society until the Government undertook to find time for the discussion
+of a measure enabling women to become solicitors. Already _Shylock_ is
+trembling at the prospect.
+
+_Thursday, August 9th_.--When the House on two successive occasions
+rejected Proportional Representation it was generally thought that
+nothing more would be heard of the other proposals for securing minority
+representation. To-night, however, after a brisk debate, the
+"Alternative vote" in three-cornered contests was saved in a free
+division by a single vote; and it was further decided that "P.R." itself
+should be adopted at University elections, despite the unanimous
+opposition of the University Representatives.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHOICE.
+
+The bright August sun certainly made the dining-room paper look dingy.
+It was a plain, self-coloured paper, but we were rather attached to it,
+and didn't like the idea of a change.
+
+But there seemed no help for it, so I arranged to leave my office early
+on Friday afternoon, meet Alison at the Marble Arch tube station and go
+with her to choose a new paper.
+
+When we reached the wall-paperer's lair we were ushered by an immaculate
+personage into a room that looked more like the dining-room of a private
+house than a part of business premises.
+
+"Perhaps," I said, in an awed whisper, "you don't care to have anything
+to do with such trifling things as--er--wall-paper?"
+
+"Indeed we do," said the nobleman. "Most important things, wall-papers.
+Where did you want it for?"
+
+"For a room in my house, of course," I said. "Not for the garden."
+
+"Oh, not for the garden. And what sort of house is yours?" he asked.
+
+"A very nice house," I said.
+
+"I meant what was the style of the house--Jacobean, Georgian?"
+
+"Brixtonian rococo outwardly," I said, "as far as I can judge; but very
+snug inside. No doubt you could show us something we should like which
+would also satisfy your sense of propriety."
+
+"I think it might be managed," he said, waving his hand towards two or
+three giant books of patterns.
+
+"What we want," I said, "is something meaty."
+
+"Ah, for the dining-room," he said.
+
+"Well, it's a courtesy title," I said, "but really in these hard times
+we have reduced economy to such a fine art that I thought a wall-paper
+with body in it might help matters."
+
+"I think I catch the idea," said the marquis. "Something that would make
+you feel more satisfied after dinner than you otherwise would feel, as
+it were."
+
+"My dear Sir," I said, "you have hit it exactly. Yours is a sympathetic
+nature. How readily you have divined my thoughts! No doubt you too are
+suffering."
+
+He sighed almost audibly. "How is the room furnished?" he said.
+
+"Leading features," I said, "a Welsh dresser, rush-bottomed chairs,
+gate-legged table, bookcases--"
+
+"Saxe-blue carpet," said Alison.
+
+"A most important detail," Lord Bayswater said.  "Don't you think
+something of a chintzy nature would ... etc."
+
+Both Alison and I agreed that a prescription of that kind might possibly
+... etc.
+
+I don't know what is comprised under the term chintzy, but it appeared
+to be a comprehensive one, for the nobleman descanted on the merits of
+the following patterns among others:--
+
+(1) Cockatoos on trees, cockatooing.
+
+(2) Pheasants on trees, eating blackberries.
+
+(3) Other birds on trees, doing nothing in particular.
+
+(4) Roses, in full bloom, half bloom, fading, falling.
+
+(5) Forget-me-nots in bunches, ready for sale.
+
+(6) Grapes doing whatever it is that grapes do.
+
+(7) Other flowers and fruits, also acting after the manner of their
+kind.
+
+Many other patterns were shown us and we spent an hour or two looking at
+them. Our host tried hard to push the cockatoos on to us. His idea was
+that the pattern would act as wallpaper and pictures combined. Alison's
+idea was that there would be too many portraits of cockatoos round the
+room, and I maintained that the wretched birds looked so realistic that
+I should certainly feel I ought to be giving them some food, and this
+would of course hardly assist my idea. The noes had it.
+
+In the end we came away with four patterns (fruits and flowers) and a
+promise to let Lord Bayswater know which one we preferred. One of them I
+chose really to show my tailor, as it was a top-hole scheme for a winter
+waistcoat.
+
+Alison and I spent the evening hanging the patterns up one after the
+other on one wall of the dining-room, and tried to paper the rest of the
+walls in the mind's eye, but at eleven o'clock we knocked off for the
+night and went to bed with headaches.
+
+I fancy Alison must have had a disturbed night. As I was leaving the
+house after breakfast she said, "Have you made up your mind about those
+patterns?"
+
+"No, I haven't," I said. "I'm going to leave it to you. Choose which you
+like."
+
+"I've chosen," she said with an air of finality.
+
+"Well," said Alison, when I reached home that evening, "it's up."
+
+"Up?" I said. "The new paper, already?"
+
+"Come and see," Alison said.
+
+"By Jove, how well it looks!" I said. "You've chosen well. There's
+something familiar about it, though it looks almost new."
+
+"Yes," said Alison, "Ellen and I cleaned it all over with bread-crumbs."
+
+"Poor Lord Bayswater," I said. "But you've done the right thing.
+Wall-paper as usual during the War."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE
+SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First dangerous Mule (to second ditto)._ "DON'T YOU GO
+NEAR HER, MATE--SHE'LL KICK YER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The annual agricultural returns show that the increased area in
+    England and Wales of corn and potatoes for the present harvest
+    amount to no less than 347,0000 acres. This result exceeds all
+    expectations."
+
+_Bradford Daily Argus_.
+
+We can well believe it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a sale advertisement:--
+
+    "LACE DEPT.
+
+    Ladies' Overalls and Breeches for the farm, garden, or home use,
+    reduced in Price."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Cooler and cooler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Angry Lady (on being told that Fido's favourite biscuits
+are now unobtainable)._
+
+"NOTHING BUT THESE! REALLY, THIS WAR IS GETTING BEYOND A JOKE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SKILLY."
+
+Prior to "Skilly" being taken on the regimental strength, our canteen
+was the paradise of a battalion of mice, from whose nightly raids
+nothing was sacred. But from the day "Skilly" enlisted the marauders
+became less and less obtrusive. And "Skilly" grew sleek.
+
+Then came a time of scarcity. Mice fought shy of the canteen, and
+"Skilly" visibly suffered from lack of nourishment. A sergeant's wife
+provided welcome hospitality; but no sooner was "Skilly" billeted
+outside the canteen than the plague returned, and so she was recalled
+urgently to active service. Again was the enemy routed; but again came
+the wilting-time of dire want. Virtue, however, did not go unrewarded a
+second time. "Skilly" had earned honourable mention, and representations
+to the proper quarters resulted in an order that she should be rationed
+so long as she remained on canteen duty.
+
+With times of ease came time for love. In due course "Skilly" presented
+an absentee and unidentifiable spouse with five bouncing baby kittens.
+Throughout their extreme infancy the family throve; but the time came
+when the devoted mother was no longer able to supply sufficient
+nutriment for five lusty youngsters. Clearly something must be done, and
+the canteen sergeant was the man to do it. He sent in a proper formal
+application to the regimental powers, requesting that increased feline
+rations be ordered as "subsistence for Canteen Skilly and family of
+five."
+
+Time passed, and--let this be read and remembered by all carping critics
+who accuse our army of want of method and business sense--in due course
+the application was returned, properly entered, checked, signed and
+counter-signed. The verdict run thus: "Application on behalf of Canteen
+Skilly refused, as apparently she married off the strength of the
+regiment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "No youth should be regarded educationally as a finished article
+    at 1 years of age." _Yorkshire Post._
+
+Mr. Fisher will be pleased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A MERRY HEART GOES ALL THE DAY."
+
+  I jogged along the footpath way
+    And leant against the stile;
+  "A merry heart goes all the day,"
+  Stoutly I sang the old refrain;
+  My own heart mocked me back again,
+    "Yet tire you in a mile!"
+
+  Well may I tire, that stand alone
+    And turn a wistful glance
+  On each remembered tree and stone,
+  Familiar landmarks of a road
+  Where once so light of heart I strode
+    With one who sleeps in France.
+
+  Heavily on the stile I lean,
+    Not as we leant of yore,
+  To drink the beauty of the scene,
+  Glory of green and blue and gold,
+  Shadow and gleam on wood and wold
+    That he will see no more.
+
+  Then came from somewhere far afield
+    A song of thrush unseen,
+  And suddenly there stood revealed
+  (Oh heart so merry, song so true!)
+  A day when we shall walk, we two,
+    Where other worlds are green.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REVIEWS FOR ----.
+
+_(A specimen article for the use of those editors who have come to the
+realisation that the contents of our heavier periodicals never change.
+All that is needed is the insertion of the right month and the survey
+can be used as a serial.)_
+
+In _The Umteenth Century and Forever_, which is, as usual, alert and
+interesting, the place of honour is given to an article by Sir Vincent
+Stodge, M.P., on "Proportional Representation in New Patagonia." Sir
+Vincent's argument may or may not convince, but it is succinctly stated.
+Sir ERNEST CASSEL writes usefully on "Economy for Cottagers," and Lord
+Sopwith, in a paper on "Air Raids and Glowworms," shows how important it
+is that on dark nights there should be some compulsory extinction of the
+light of these dangerous and, he fears, pro-German, insects. Mr. HARRY
+DE WINDT describes "Galicia as I Knew It," and there are suggestive
+papers on "The Probable Course of History for the next Three Centuries,"
+by the Dean of LINCOLN; "Potatoes as Food," by Sir WALTER RALEIGH; and
+"Hair in Relation to Eminence," by Dr. SALEEBY, in which all the strong
+men in history famous for their locks, from SAMSON to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
+are passed in review. An excellent number, full of mental nutriment, is
+brought to a close by a symposium of Bishops on the petrol restrictions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a strange coincidence _The Shortsightly_ also has a valuable paper on
+"Proportional Representation," by Mr. and Mrs. C.N. WILLIAMSON, who thus
+make their bow for the first time among what might be called our
+thinking novelists, their effort being in some degree balanced by an
+essay in the same number from so inveterate a politician as Mr. J.M.
+HOGGE, M.P., on the "Wit and Humour of WILLIAM LE QUEUX." There is also
+an anonymous article of great power on "Conscientious Objectors as Food
+for Racehorses," which should cause discussion, both by reason of its
+arguments and also through the secret of its authorship, which to the
+initiated is only of course a _secret de Polichinelle_. For the rest we
+content ourselves with drawing attention to "The Small Holding," by Lord
+PIRRIE; "Women and Tobacco," by the Manager of the Piccadilly Hotel;
+"Feud Control," by Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, M.P.; "Russia as I knew it," by
+Mr. HARRY DE WINDT; and "The Spirit of Ireland," by Sir JOHN POWER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Peremptory Review_ opens with Lord CURZON'S well-reasoned appeal to
+Labour to relinquish its attitude of criticism and trust the powers that
+be. Other notable articles deal with the possible effect of woman's
+franchise on the cult of Pekinese spaniels, the case pro and con. for a
+tunnel under St. George's Channel, and the philosophy of E. PHILLIPS
+OPPENHEIM. Mr. HARRY DE WINDT writes of "Serbia as I Knew It." A
+spirited attack on the MINISTER of MUNITIONS by the Editor of _The
+Morning Post_ brings an excellent number to a close.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Backwood's_ is, as usual, strong in the martial element, and is further
+proof that in the present conflict there is no excluding rivalry between
+pen and sword, but plenty of room for both. The article wittily
+entitled, "Mess-up-otamia" should be read by everyone who is not tired
+of that theme. The trenchant author of "Reflections without Rancour"
+displays his customary vigilance as a censor of _betes noires_, not
+sparing the whip even when some of the animals are dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the ever iconoclastic and live _Gnashing All Review_ Mr. Smacksy is,
+as usual, at his most vigorous. Among the statesmen who come in for his
+attacks are Mr. ASQUITH and Lord HALDANE, both of whom are probably by
+now quite inured to his blows. Nothing could be more amusing than the
+renewed play which is made with the phrase, "spiritual home." Mr.
+Smacksy has also something to say to members of what might be called his
+own Party. Other articles deal with "The Psychology of the Pacifist," a
+trenchant exposure; "The Teeth of American Presidents," which contains a
+number of curious statistics; "The Film and the Future," by Viscount
+CHAPLIN; "The Honours List," in which the anonymous writer makes the
+revolutionary suggestion that the KING'S birthday should in future be
+marked by the withdrawal of old titles instead of the conferring of new.
+Mr. HARRY DE WINDT descries "Roumania as I Knew It"; "A Suggestion for
+the Settlement of the Irish Problem" is offered by Mr. GINNELL, M.P.;
+and Mr. C.B. COCHRAN utters a disinterested plea for "The Small
+Theatre."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Jinglish Review_, also famous for the activity of its fighting
+editor, has no fewer than four articles from his pen, of which the least
+negligible is perhaps that of "The Partition of Europe after the War."
+The others deal with "The Real Germany," "Sunday Journalism as a World
+Asset," and "HORATIO BOTTOMLEY the Prophet." Other contributions in a
+varied number include a series of votive verses to Mr. EDWARD MARSH,
+C.B., by a band of Georgian poets, on the occasion of his resumption of
+his duties as private secretary to Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A charming
+study of leprosy, translated from the Russian of Lugubriski, brings the
+number to a close.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONDON PRIDE.
+
+  Upon a lily-laden tide,
+  Where galleons rocked with sails blown wide
+    And white swans gleamed, there was a city
+  Whose citizens called "London Pride"
+    The flower that some call "None-so-Pretty."
+
+  It grew beside the frowning tower,
+  By RALEGH'S walk and BOLEYN'S bower,
+    As frail as joy, as sweet as pity;
+  And "London Pride" they called that flower
+    Which country folk call "None-so-Pretty."
+
+  When London lads made holiday
+  In dewy hours o' th' month o' May,
+    And footed it with Moll and Kitty,
+  Among the maypole garlands gay
+    Be sure they plaited "None-so-Pretty."
+
+  When London lads in battle bent
+  Their bows beside the bows of Kent
+    ('Tis told in many a gallant ditty)
+  Their caps were tufted as they went
+    With "London Pride" or "None-so-Pretty."
+
+  Oh, London is what London was,
+  And mighty food for pride she has;
+    Her saints are wise, her sinners witty,
+  And Picard clay and Flemish grass
+    Are sweet with stars of "None-so-Pretty."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SAMMIES."
+
+_A propos_ of the note in our issue of August 1st, a Correspondent
+suggests that the Americans might go into action to the tune of "Tommy
+make room for your Uncle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Leghorn pullet, belonging to Mrs. G.R. Bell, of Coxhoe,
+    Durham, has laid an egg 3-1/4 oz. in weight, 7-1/2 in. in
+    diameter, and 6-1/4 in. in circumference."--_Scotch Paper._
+
+Most interesting and novel, but very disconcerting to the
+mathematicians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The procession was headed by the choristers and songmen, and
+    included the surplus clergy and the Very Rev. the Dean."
+
+    _Yorkshire Herald._
+
+No support here, you will note, for the recent suggestion that Deans are
+superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FAILURE OF THE FILM-THRILL.
+
+PATIENTS FROM THE LATEST PUSH AT THE PICTURES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DUELLING EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+The contemplated single-stick encounter between Colonel ARCHER-SHEE and
+Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING recalls to mind a ludicrous affair which actually
+happened some years ago in a foreign city which I will here call
+Killemalivo.
+
+Mr. Alec McTavish, a Briton many years resident in that fair capital and
+editor of the only English newspaper, had taken up stout verbal cudgels
+on behalf of the Americans, who had been viciously attacked in the
+columns of a local "daily." The United States of the North, in its
+capacity of "special" to the entire American continent, comes in for
+plenty of abuse when a new revolution is about to be perpetrated.
+
+The strife had waxed fast and furious and eventually had taken on a
+personal tone, the editor of _La Muera_ accusing the editor of the
+English paper of being "that lowest of all living things--a Texan." It
+will be remembered that in times gone by the State of Texas decided to
+desert its Latin parents and roost under the shadow of the eagle's wing,
+thereby earning for itself prosperity and an evil reputation--in certain
+quarters.
+
+McTavish's editorial reply was a gem of satire and displayed an intimate
+knowledge of the antecedents of the rival editor.
+
+At that time duelling was still prevalent, and it was not many days
+before the editorial sanctum of _The Tribune_ was honoured by the visit
+of two officers in full-dress uniform.
+
+The eventual outcome of their visit was that Mr. McTavish found himself
+pledged to fight a duel with a man who was, among other things, a
+first-class pistol shot and exceptionally expert with the "florette,"
+all of which McTavish was not.
+
+The affair looked particularly unpleasant--to McTavish, who was short,
+fat, and by no means young. But the dignity of the foreign population as
+represented by the editor of _The Killemalivo Tribune_ must of necessity
+be upheld.
+
+Faced by this quite unusual difficulty, McTavish bethought him of his
+old and tried friend, General O'Flynnone, an Irish-American of many
+years' residence in the Latin Americas. No one seemed to know his real
+name, and the title of General had come to him from his last place.
+
+The General was delighted at the turn of events, agreed to be McTavish's
+second, and promised to get him through the affair with a whole skin and
+no loss of honour.
+
+As the challenged party McTavish had choice of weapons, which was the
+crux of the situation, as the General pointed out.
+
+Among the Killemalivo aristocracy the favourite weapons were the
+duelling pistol and the "florette," or rapier. The "pelado," or lower
+orders, preferred the "lingua de vaca," which means literally "cow's
+tongue," a nasty-looking knife of no mean proportions.
+
+As O'Flynnone explained, the duel would have to be fought with "killing
+weapons"; nothing else would satisfy the bloodthirsty editor. Meanwhile
+he would think on the matter, and he advised McTavish to do likewise.
+
+The following were the most unpleasant days of his life, as McTavish
+confessed afterwards. He was not a "conscientious objector," but he had
+no pressing wish to exterminate his opponent, as that would have
+necessitated a sudden and forcible exile from the land of his adoption;
+still less did he fancy an early demise in the interests of his paper.
+
+Meanwhile the General visited the rival editor's seconds and arranged
+for a meeting in his own rooms to discuss final conditions.
+
+O'Flynnone's rooms contained, among other things, a collection of
+curious and ancient weapons. The walls were decorated with all sorts and
+conditions of strange and barbarous instruments of slaughter; Zulu
+assegais, Afghan knives and Burmese swords hung in savage array.
+
+The meeting took place on the following Sunday afternoon. The officers
+greeted the General agreeably enough, but saluted McTavish with the
+stiffness that the occasion called for.
+
+"Well, Senores," commenced the General, after depositing his visitors in
+the most comfortable chairs, "to business. Mr. McTavish, as you will
+admit, has the choice of weapons."
+
+The officers nodded assent.
+
+"This gentleman," continued O'Flynnone, "comes of that most noble and
+warlike race--the Scotch. Fiercest of fighters, although they do not
+sometimes look it, the warriors of Scotland alone among all nations
+withstood the ravages of the conquering English. I feel sorry, very
+sorry for the 'caballero' whom you have the honour to represent."
+
+The pause which followed was most impressive. The General's air was
+suggestive of dire things, as with dramatic suddenness he produced from
+beneath the sideboard two enormous double-edged battle-axes, which
+careful polishing had made to shine as new.
+
+"These," said he, "are the weapons which Mr. McTavish has
+chosen--weapons of men, such as they use in his own country," he
+continued, brandishing one of them savagely. "And the fight will be on
+barebacked horses, for such is the custom of the Scotch."
+
+The duel did not occur.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GAME OF HIS LIFE.
+
+I met the mercurial Gosling at the club a few days ago. As I hadn't seen
+him for some time I asked if he had been on a holiday. "Yes," he said,
+"down at Shinglestrand. Golfing? No--yes. I did play one game, the first
+since the War, and rather a remarkable game it was. I'm a member of the
+golf-club there, and was down at the clubhouse one morning looking at
+the papers when a fat middle-aged man, about my age, asked me if I cared
+for a game. I didn't, but in a spirit of self-sacrifice said that I
+should be very glad. 'I think I ought to tell you,' he went on, 'that I
+don't care about playing with a 18-handicap man, and that I always like
+to have a sovereign on the match.' Now I never was much of a player--too
+erratic, I suppose. My handicap has gone up from 12 to 18, and the last
+time I played it was about 24. But, exasperated by his swank, I suddenly
+found myself saying, 'My handicap is 12.' 'Very well,' replied the fat
+man, 'I'll give you 4 strokes.' We went out to the first tee, and after
+he had made a moderate shot I hit the drive of my life. My second landed
+on the green and I ran down a long putt--this for a 4-bogey hole. I'm
+not going to bore you with details. I won the second and third holes,
+and then the fat man went to pieces. I never wanted any of my strokes
+and downed him by 5 and 3. As we re-entered the club-house my partner,
+who had become strangely silent, walked up to the board which gives the
+list of handicaps and looked at them. There was my name with 18 opposite
+it. 'I thought you said your handicap was 12,' he observed. 'Well,' I
+answered, 'it wasn't more than that this morning.' The fat man was very
+angry. He said he would report me to the committee, and he did. But the
+secretary (who happens to be my brother) played up nobly. He
+communicated with the secretary of the fat man's club, whom he happened
+to know, and, having found out that the fat man's handicap was not 6 but
+12, he wrote to him to say that in view of the fact that 'the lies had
+been equally bad on both sides' the committee did not propose to take
+any action. The fat man got no change out of my brother and I kept my
+sovereign."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Globe Trotters.
+
+  "Mr. and Mrs. ----, of Knysna, are on a
+  visit to Knysna."--_South African Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAYOR AND CORPORATION OF SPARKLINGTON-ON-SEA SOLEMNLY
+TOUCHING WOOD ON THE OCCASION OF THEIR SENDING OUT TO THE PRESS A NOTICE
+THAT THEIR TOWN HAS NEVER SUFFERED FROM ENEMY AIR-RAIDS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+V.A.D.
+
+  There's an angel in our ward as keeps a-flittin' to and fro
+  With fifty eyes upon 'er wherever she may go;
+  She's as pretty as a picture and as bright as mercury,
+  And she wears the cap and apron of a V.A.D.
+
+  The Matron she is gracious and the Sister she is kind,
+  But they wasn't born just yesterday and lets you know their mind;
+  The M.O. and the Padre is as thoughtful as can be,
+  But they ain't so good to look at as our V.A.D.
+
+  She's a honourable miss because 'er father is a dook,
+  But, Lord, you'd never guess it and it ain't no good to look
+  For 'er portrait in the illustrated papers, for you see
+  She ain't an advertiser, not _our_ V.A.D.
+
+  Not like them that wash a tea-cup in an orficer's canteen
+  And then "Engaged in War Work" in the weekly Press is seen;
+  She's on the trot from morn to night and busy as a bee,
+  And there's 'eaps of wounded Tommies bless that V.A.D.
+
+  She's the lightest 'and at dressin's and she polishes the floor,
+  She feeds Bill Smith who'll never never use 'is 'ands no more;
+  And we're all of us supporters of the harristocracy
+  'Cos our weary days are lightened by that V.A.D.
+
+  And when the War is over, some knight or belted earl,
+  What's survived from killin' Germans, will take 'er for 'is girl;
+  They'll go and see the pictures and then 'ave shrimps and tea;
+  'E's a lucky man as gets 'er--and don't I wish 'twas me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In _No Man's Land_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is revealed a breadth of
+vision which may astonish some of us who have been inclined to regard
+SAPPER as merely a talented story-teller. Among the writers on the War I
+place him first, for the simple reason that I like him best; and I am
+not at all sure that I should like him any better if he cured himself of
+his cardinal fault. With his tongue in his cheek he dashes away from his
+story to give us either a long or short digression; no more confirmed
+digressionist ever put pen to paper, and the wonderful thing is that
+these wanton excursions are worth following. True he often apologises
+for them, but I do not think that we need take these apologies
+seriously. This book is divided into four parts, "The Way to the Land,"
+"The Land," "Seed Time," and "Harvest," and in "Seed Time," at any rate,
+we have a series of chapters which require not only to be read but to be
+thought over. But whether he is out for fun, as in "Bendigo Jones--His
+Tree," or for pathos, as in "Morphia," he obtains his effects without
+the smallest appearance of effort. And I reserve a special word of
+praise for "My Lady of the Jasmine," and commend it to the notice of
+those pessimists who hold that only the French and the Americans can
+write a good short story. Thank the powers that be for SAPPER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Loom of Youth_ (GRANT RICHARDS) is yet another school story, but
+with a difference, the difference being, partly at least, that it is
+written by one who has so lately ceased to belong himself to the life
+described that his account must carry an authority altogether unusual.
+Here, one feels, is that strange and so-soon-forgotten country revealed
+for us from within, and by a native denizen. For this alone Mr. ALEC
+WAUGH'S book merits the epithet remarkable; indeed, considered as the
+work of "a lad of seventeen," its vitality, discretion and general
+maturity of tone seem little short of amazing. Realism is the note of
+it. The modern schoolboy, as Mr. WAUGH paints him, employs, for example,
+a vocabulary whose frequency, and freedom may possibly startle the
+parental reader. Apart from this one might call the book an indictment
+of hero-worship, as heroism is understood in a society where (still!)
+athletic eminence places its possessor above all laws. This in itself is
+so old an educational problem that it is interesting to find it handled
+afresh in a study of ultra-modern boyhood. The actual matter of the
+tale, individual character in its reaction to system, is naturally
+common to most school stories; but even here Mr. WAUGH has contrived to
+give an ending both original and sincere. Prophecy is dangerous; but
+from a writer who has proved so brilliantly that, for once, _jeunesse
+peut_, one seems justified in hoping that enlarged experience will
+result in work of the highest quality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Quite a host of moral reflections, none of them very original, flock to
+one's mind in considering by what devious ways our Italian allies came
+to range themselves on the side of that freedom which they have always
+loved as well and bravely as any of the rest of us. For instance--a very
+stale reflection--one sees Germany overdoing her own cleverness and
+under-rating that of her neighbours--this more especially in her
+arrogant dominance of Italy's commerce; further, one notices the Hun's
+Belgian brutalities costing him dear in a quarter least expected; and
+again one realises Italy's decision as a thing mainly dependent, in
+spite of all Germany's taking little ways, on a righteous hatred of
+Austria--a consideration which brings one surprisingly near to gratitude
+towards the big-bully Government of Vienna. Our southern ally's loyalty
+to her beautiful "unredeemed" provinces, and her claim, which all
+right-minded Englishmen (I include myself) most heartily endorse, to
+dominate the historically Italian waters of the Adriatic, happily proved
+too strong for a machine-made sympathy for Berlin based on nothing
+better than a superficial resemblance between the histories of Piedmont
+and Prussia, and a record of nominal alliance with powers whose respect
+for paper treaties was always fairly apparent. All the same, in reading
+Mr. W. KAY WALLACE'S essay in recent history, _Greater Italy_
+(CONSTABLE), a volume which I cannot too strongly commend for its
+admirable way of telling these and similar things, I am struck most of
+all by the super-incumbent mass of Germanism that had to be burst
+asunder before the true Italy broke free. The story of that liberation
+is romance of an amazing order, for in it one sees the very soul of a
+great and ancient people struggling to renewal of life. It is more than
+good to have such an ally, it is an inspiration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Allotment Tripper._ "THIS HERE NORTH SEA DON'T HALF WANT
+WEEDING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you wish to complete your knowledge of the working of our new armies
+and learn something of the business of the A.S.C. you can do so without
+being bored in _L. of C._ (CONSTABLE), by Captain JAMES AGATE. The
+author is one of that bright band of Mancunians which _The Manchester
+Guardian_ has attached to its august fringes. He writes of the business
+in hand, the vagaries of stores and indents and mere men and brass hats,
+on this and the other side of the Channel, all with a very light and
+engaging pen, and then spreads himself on any old far-off thing that
+interests him, such as the theatre, perhaps a little self-consciously
+and with a pleasant air of swagger most forgivable and, indeed,
+enjoyable. His chief preoccupation is with art and letters, it is clear;
+but, turning from them to the handling of urgent things and difficult
+men, he faces the business manfully. Of the men in particular he has
+illuminating things to say, redounding to their credit and, by
+implication, to his. To those who appreciate form in penwork this book
+may be safely recommended.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Welcome.
+
+    "Mr. F.H. ----, the newly co-opted member of the Hampstead Board
+    of Guardians, attended his first meeting of the Board on
+    Thursday, and lost his umbrella."--_Hampstead and Highgate
+    Express._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BEET COMMISSION CONCLUDES BUSINESS.
+
+    Petrograd, July 9.--Except for a few final conferences with the
+    members of the Russian Government, the work here of the Root
+    Commission virtually has been concluded."
+
+    _The Daily Gleaner (Jamaica)._
+
+How headlines jump to conclusions! The Hon. ELIHU ROOT is, we feel
+confident, anything but beet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Parish Magazine:--
+
+    "BOY SCOUTS.--The troop held their annual sports on Saturday....
+    The burden of arrangements for all fell upon the Scoutmaster
+    (Rev. ----), and showed how great is the need for him to have
+    some capable assistants."
+
+Still, was it quite tactful to say so?
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+153, Aug 15, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 11169.txt or 11169.zip *****
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