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diff --git a/11169-0.txt b/11169-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..282c105 --- /dev/null +++ b/11169-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1838 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11169 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +AUGUST 15, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"In the heroic days of 1914," says Count REVENTLOW, "God gave us our +daily bread and our daily victory." We feel sure that, as regards the +provision of victories, some recognition ought to be made of the able +assistance of the WOLFF Bureau. + + *** + +We read with some surprise that, in the motor collision in which he +participated recently, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S car _was run into_ by +another coming in the opposite direction. This is not the Antwerp spirit +that the Munitions Department is waiting for. + + *** + +A movement is on foot for the presentation of a suitable testimonial to +the people of Dundee for returning Mr. CHURCHILL to Parliament, after +being distinctly requested not to do so by a certain morning paper. + + *** + +"What shall we do with the Allotment Harvest?" asks _The Evening News_. +It seems only too probable that, unless a national effort is made to +preserve them, some of the world's noblest vegetables will have to be +eaten. + + *** + +"Just as a soldier gives his valour or a captain of industry his +talent," said Lord CURZON, speaking on the sale of titles, "so a wealthy +man gives his wealth, which is very often his only asset, for the +benefit of his country." Nothing like a delicate compliment or two to +encourage him in the good work. + + *** + +A lively correspondence has been filling the columns of a contemporary +under the heading, "The Facts about Bacon." The discussion seems to have +turned upon the famous line, "There's something rotten from the state of +Denmark." + + *** + +Sixpenny paper notes are now being issued in various parts of Germany. +If you can't find anything to buy with them you can use them to patch +the new paper trousers. + + *** + +Judging by his recent speech, Herr VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has lost heart +and found a liver. + + *** + +At a recent inquest it was stated that a doctor had prepared a death +certificate while deceased was still alive. The subsequent correct +behaviour of the patient is regarded as a distinct feather in the +medical profession's cap. + + *** + +A nephew of Field-Marshal VON HINDENBUBG has just joined the United +States Navy, but the rumour that upon hearing this HINDENBURG tried to +look severe is of course an impossible story. + + *** + +The sum of sixty pounds has been taken from the Ransom Lane Post Office, +Hull, and burglars are reminded that withdrawals of money from the Post +Office cannot in future be allowed unless application is first made on +the prescribed form. + + *** + +Baron SONNINO, the Italian Minister for Foreign Affairs, was accorded a +truly British welcome on his arrival in this country. It rained all day. + + *** + +It appears from a weekly paper that the KAISER is fond of nice quiet +amusement. If this is so we cannot understand his refusal to have a +Reichstag run on lines similar to the British Parliament. + + *** + +Sir EDWARD CARSON'S physical recreations, says _The Daily Mail_, are +officially stated to be riding, golf and cycling. Unofficially, we +believe, he has occasionally done some drilling. + + *** + +At a recent pacifist meeting in Bristol Councillor THOMPSON declared +that he was with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in the South African War, but was +against him in the present campaign. The authorities are doing their +best to keep the news from the PREMIER. + + *** + +A man at Tottenham has been fined five pounds for feeding a horse with +bread. We understand that action was taken on the initiative of the +R.S.P.C.A. + + *** + +The German Government is doing everything possible to curry favour with +its people. It has now commandeered all stocks of soap. + + *** + +A Bermondsey house of amusement has organised a competition, in which +the competitors have to eat a pudding with their hands tied. This of +course is a great improvement on the modern and more difficult game of +trying to eat a lump of sugar in a restaurant with full use of the +hands, and even legs. + + *** + +An official notice in the British Museum Library states that readers +will incur little risk during air raids, "except from a bomb that bursts +in the room." It is the ability to think out things like this which +raises the official mind so high above the ordinary. + + *** + +The German Government, says the _Gazette de Lausanne_, is establishing a +regular business base in Berne. We have no illusions as to the base +business that will be conducted from it. + + *** + +"When a German travels round the world," said Dr. MICHAELIS in a lecture +delivered twenty-five years ago, "he cannot help being terribly envious +of England." Funnily enough he is as envious as ever, even though the +opportunities for travel are no longer available. + + *** + +When the Folkestone raid syren goes off, a man told the Dover Council, +it blows your hat off. On the other hand if it doesn't go off you may +not have anywhere to wear a hat, so what are you to do? + + *** + +Willesden allotment-holders are complaining of a shortage of male blooms +on their vegetable-marrow plants. This is the first intimation we have +had of the calling-up of this class. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE +SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."] + + * * * * * + +THRILLS FROM THE TERMINI. + +Mr. Punch, following the example of his daily contemporaries, despatched +a representative to some of the great London termini to note the August +exodus from town. The following thrilling report is to hand:-- + +At Waterton and Paddingloo great crowds continued to board the limited +number of West-bound and South-west-bound trains. On being asked why +they were leaving town, those of the travellers who answered at all said +it was the regular time for their annual holiday and they wanted a +change. They were mostly a jolly hearty lot, happily confident that at +some time in the course of the next forty-eight hours they would be +deposited in some part of the West or South-west of England. Those +fortunate persons who had secured seats were sitting down, those who +were unable to get seats were standing, and, in spite of the congested +state of the carriages and corridors, almost all were smiling, the +exceptions being those highly-strung and excitable passengers who had +come to blows over corner seats and windows up or down. Many of the +travellers carried baskets of food. Your representative, anxious to +report on the quality and quantity of the provisions carried, ventured +to peep into one of the baskets, and was in consequence involved in a +rather unpleasant affair, being actually accused of having abstracted a +sandwich! + +The engine-driver, questioned as to whether he liked having passengers +on the engine and whether he considered it safe for them, was understood +to say that so long as they didn't get in his way it didn't matter to +him, and as to its being safe for them, he jolly well didn't care +whether it was safe for them or not. The guard, detained by the sleeve +by your representative, who inquired how he felt about being almost +crowded out of his brake by passengers, drew away his sleeve with some +violence and his answer was quite unworthy to be reported. An elderly +but strongly-built porter, with the luggage of fourteen families on his +truck, and the fourteen families surrounding him and all talking at +once, was approached by your representative for a little quiet chat, but +he became so threatening that it was thought advisable to leave him +alone. + +At Ticvoria Station your representative found a seething mob intent on +getting to those ever popular and already much overcrowded South-coast +resorts, Paradeville, Shingleton-on-Sea, Promenade Bay, etc. The +eleven-o'clock "Paradeville fast," due to start in half-an-hour, was at +No. 20 platform. All sitting and standing room had been occupied for +some hours, and the passengers were enjoying the sport of seeing the +later arrivals running the whole length of the train and back again in +the mad hope of finding places. Your representative managed to get a +word with some of these later arrivals, and asked them how they liked +running up and down, and whether they were much disappointed at not +finding room; but the answers were mostly unsatisfactory and in some +cases uncivil. The booking-clerk, questioned as to the phraseology +employed by August holiday folk in asking for their tickets, whether it +is "Third return, please," or "Third return," or "Third return and look +sharp," showed by his answer that the expression "please" is falling +into desuetude on these occasions, his exact words being "There's +precious little 'please' knocking about, and anyone who has the cheek to +tell me to 'look sharp' is jolly well kept waiting till the last!" Your +representative, wishing to report at first-hand the experience of those +who were travelling thirty in a compartment meant to accommodate ten in +the "Paradeville fast," tried to get in and make a thirty-first, +explaining that it was only for a minute and was with the object of +getting local colour, but was forcibly expelled, and, falling on the +platform and sustaining some slight contusions, decided to cease +reporting on August scenes at the great termini for that day. + + * * * * * + +TWO DUMB WARRIORS. + +I.--HYLDEBRAND. + +When the Heatherdale Hussars received a two-hours' notice to "trek" +they, of course, dumped their mascot, Hyldebrand, a six-months-old wild +boar, at the Town Major's. They would have done the same with a baby or +a full-grown hippopotamus. The harassed T.M. discovered Hyldebrand in +the next stable to his slightly hysterical horse the morning after the +H.H. had evacuated, and informed me (his village Sanitary Inspector) +that "as I was fond of animals" (he had seen me distributing fly-traps +and painting horse-trough notice-boards) I was henceforth in sole +command of Hyldebrand until such time as his owners should reclaim him. +A grant of five sous _per diem_ had been left for the piglette's +maintenance. + +I took charge of Hyldebrand, provided an old dog-kennel for his shelter, +an older dog-collar for his adornment and six yards of "flex" for his +restraint. I further appointed the runner--a youth from Huddersfield, +nicknamed "Isinglass," in playful sarcastic comment on his speed--second +in command. He was to feed, groom and exercise Hyldebrand. I would +inspect Hyldebrand twice a week. + +Hyldebrand rose fast in village popularity. One forgot that his parents +had been shot for cattle maiming, body snatching, breaking into +granaries and defying the gendarmerie on the public roads. But Hyldy was +all docility. He ate his way through the grant, the office stationery, +and the central tin dump with the most disarming _naïvété_. He was the +spoilt darling of every mess. The reflected glory which Isinglass and +myself enjoyed was positively embarrassing. + +But as the summer advanced so did Hyldebrand. He became (to quote his +keeper) a "battle pig," with the head of a pantomime dragon, +fore-quarters of a bison, the hind-legs of a deer and a back like an +heraldic scrubbing-brush. In March I had inspected him as he sat upon my +knee. In June I shook hands with him as he strained at his tether. In +mid-September we nodded to each other from opposite sides of a barbed +wire fence. Yet Isinglass retained the most complete mastery of his +ferocious-looking protégé, and beneath his skilful massage Hyldebrand +would throw himself upon the ground and guggle in a porcine ecstacy. + +One sunny afternoon, when there had come upon the little village street +the inevitable hush which preceded Hyldebrand's hour for exercise, I +espied the village cripple making for his home with the celerity of an A +1 man. He glared reproachfully at me, and, with an exclamation of +"_Sacré sanglier!_" vanished in the open doorway of the local +boulangerie, that being nearer than his cottage. Then came Hyldebrand, +froth on his snout and murder in his little eyes, and after him +Isinglass more than living up to his equine namesake. I joined him, and, +following Hyldy in a cloud of dust, the runner informed me between gasps +that it was "along of burning his snout-raking for a bully-beef tin in +the insinuator." + +A band outside B Mess was nearing the climax of GRIEG'S "Peer Gynt" +suite. Hyldebrand just failed to perpetrate the time-worn gag of jumping +through the big drum, but he contrived to make that final crashing chord +sound like the last sneeze of a giant dying of hay-fever. The rest the +crowd saw through a film of dust. Hyldebrand headed for the turning by +the school, reached it as the gates opened to release young France, and +comedy would have turned to tragedy but for the point duty M.P. and his +revolver. + +There was a note and a parcel for me a day or so after. The note, which +was addressed to and had been opened by the T.M., stated that Hyldebrand +was being sent for by the Heatherdale Hussars on the morrow. Outside the +parcel was scrawled, above the initials of the G.H.Q. officers' cook, a +friend of mine, "It's top hole--try it with a drop of sauce." Inside was +a cold pork chop! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW LOAF. + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "LUCKY RHONDDA! BUT I TAUGHT HIM THOSE NUMBERS."] + + * * * * * + +II.--ERMYNTRUDE. + +It so happened in a quiet part of the line that men were scarce and work +abundant, so it was decided to use mules to carry the rations further +than usual. All went well until one night when friend Fritz changed his +habits and put some assorted fireworks rather near the mules. + +Now the transport, being human and moreover unaccustomed to fireworks, +disliked this entertainment. Therefore they sought what shelter they +could. In a few minutes the Hun repented, but no mules and no rations +could the transport see. Moreover it began to rain. So back they went +and spoke at great length of the hundreds of seventeen-inch which had +blown up all the mules. + +The morning began to come and a machine-gun subaltern, looking at a +black East in search of daylight, so that he might say, "It is now +light; I may go to bed," was somewhat startled. "For," he said, "I have +received shocks as the result of too much whisky of old, but from a +split tea and chloride of lime--no! It must be the pork and beans." +However, he collected eight puzzled but peaceful mules and handed them +to a still more bewildered adjutant, who knew not if they were "trench +stores" or "articles to be returned to salvage." + +In the meanwhile the Transport Officer was making inquiries, and he +recovered the eight mules. "All," he said, "are back, except Ermyntrude. +I grieve for Ermyntrude, but still more for my driver's fate." + +Where Ermyntrude spent the day no one knows. All that is known is of her +conduct the next night. About eleven o'clock she stepped on a shelter, +and, being a heavy mule, came into the trench abruptly. This worried but +did not hurt her, and she proceeded down the trench at a steady trot, +bumping into the traverses. She met a ration party, and for the first +time in their lives they took refuge over the top, for Ermyntrude was +angry. + +Ermyntrude reached the end of the trench and somehow got out, heading, +by chance, for Germany. That was her undoing. In a minute or so three +machine-guns began firing, bombs and rifle shots were heard, and Verey +lights innumerable flared. We never saw Ermyntrude again. But we heard +of her--or rather we read of her--for the German official report wrote +her epitaph, thus: "Near the village of ---- hostile raiding detachments +were repulsed by our machine-gun fire." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Monica (taken in to see her mother and her new sister, +who is fretful--to nurse)_. "TAKE HER AWAY AND BRING ONE THAT DOESN'T +CRY."] + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR ALLOTMENT-HOLDERS. + +"LET US SPRAY." + + * * * * * + +"We welcome back to a position he once filled so well, the Rev. ----, +who is taking on the pork of the parish for the duration of the +war."--_Bath and Wilts Chronicle_. + +We trust it will agree with him. + + * * * * * + +"WANTED, a Very Plain Girl, very good references and photo asked, to +care for three children and do housework."--_Morning Paper_. + +You can almost see the green-eyed monster lurking in the background. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: +_Soulful Soldier (carried away by red sunset)._ "BY JOVE! LOOK AT THAT! +ISN'T IT GLORIOUS?" + +_His Tent Mate._ "YUS. ANOTHER MUCKIN' 'OT DAY TO-MORRER." + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXIV. + + MY DEAR CHARLES,--Since I last wrote to you I have enjoyed + seeing again an officer with whom I had many curious dealings in + the past, and who, if half the facts he divulges about himself + were true, would certainly be the wickedest Colonel in the + B.E.F., notwithstanding that he fought busily in the early + stages and had the best part of himself knocked out in so doing. + He has performed many strange duties since, and the steps he + took to qualify for one of them will, I think, illustrate for + you his wickedness. + + It has been found, on experience, that modesty is out of place + when you are being called upon to state your qualifications for + a post. The knowing, upon being asked if they possess certain + attributes, reply in an immediate affirmative and add others, + just to be on the safe side. It is felt that what is really + required in this War is thrust and ingenuity, things which + adequately make up for the absence of any specialist knowledge. + Accordingly my friend found himself described as possessing, + among other things, "French, fluent." It was not until he was + informed that the Official Interpreter would like to hear a + little of this that he looked more closely into the matter and + discovered that he knew no French at all. Undismayed, he spent + the two days' interval before the _vivâ-voce_ examination in + learning some. You might suppose that two days is a short time + in which to become so familiar with a strange language that you + may be able to understand and answer any question which may be + put to you in it. Sly friend, however, did not let this worry + him. He learnt by heart a long and detailed narrative, embracing + all the most impressive idioms and all the most popular slang, + the subject of which was an accident which had occurred to him + in the earlier days of the campaign, a long and a vivid story, + which, once started, would last indefinitely and could not be + interrupted meanwhile. + + Armed with no other knowledge of the French language than this, + my friend duly presented himself before the Official + Interpreter, greeted him with a genial salute and waited + throughout his opening speech, which was in French and contained + many inquiries. + + My friend made no endeavour to follow these simple questions. He + knew he couldn't succeed and had no intention of giving himself + away by an attempt. Advancing towards the Interpreter's table + and putting his right hand to his ear, "Pardon, monsieur," he + said, "mais je suis un peu sourd, depuis mon accident." + + "Quel accident?" said the Interpreter; after which my friend did + not stop talking until he was passed out with a "French, + garrulous." + + We met quite recently and talked over things in general, telling + each other, in confidence and on the best authority, all those + exciting details of the progress of the War which men go on + saying and believing until they are officially contradicted. + Getting down to realities, he told me that he has now the + greatest difficulty in believing in the War at all, though he is + within ear-shot of it all the time. His difficulty is due to the + last thing he saw before he left his office: three men standing + at his gate, in that attitude of contented and contemplative + leisure which one associates with Saturday afternoons and + village pumps, looking at nothing in particular and spitting + thoughtfully as occasion required. One of them was a British + soldier, one a French soldier and one a German soldier. The + whole picture suggested anything but war; if there was a war on, + which nation was fighting against which? My friend, however, is + somewhat oddly situated in this respect, since he commands for + the moment a detachment of German prisoners in our back area. + Some of them, he tells me, are extraordinarily smart. One + Prussian N.C.O. in particular was remarkable. Dressed in his + impressive overcoat, hatted for all the world like our Staff and + carrying under his arm his dapper cane, this N.C.O. went round + from group to group of working prisoners, accompanying the + English sergeant in charge of the party and interpreting the + latter's orders to the men. So striking was his get-up that all + paused to look at him. + + Thinking it might please you, my friend showed me an official + memo., which he had just received from one of his officers in + command of an outlying detachment, and of course of the odds and + ends of British personnel adhering thereto: cooks, guards, etc. + The memo. ran as follows, and it repays careful study and + thinking out; I give you the whole of it:-- + + "_To the Commanding Officer, Orderly Room, Hqrs._" + + The undermentioned is in my opinion entirely unfitted + for the duty to which he has been detailed with this + detachment. He shows no signs of either intelligence or + industry, and I propose, with your approval, to take the + necessary steps to get rid of him forthwith. + + A. B. SMITH, + + _Capt. i.c. 'B' Detachment._ + + My friend was much concerned to hit upon exactly the right form + of reply. Eventually we agreed:-- + + "_To Capt. A. B. Smith, i.c. 'B' Detachment._ + + Good-bye. + + C. D. JONES, + + _Lt.-Col., O.C., etc., etc._" + + Finally, let me tell you a disgraceful tale of my same friend, + which does not refer to his present command, and is, I hope, + untrue of him in any command. + + The crowd for which he was then responsible was suddenly + threatened with inspection by the General who is charged with + the welfare of such people, and who very properly desired to + satisfy himself that they were both well disciplined and well + tended. So that success might be assured my friend had a + rehearsal parade. All inspections and manoeuvres being + completed, my friend stood the crowd at ease and thus addressed + them:-- + + "All ranks will take the utmost care to turn themselves + out smartly for the inspection and to make the + inspection a success. As the General passes along the + lines inspecting you, you will stand rigidly to + attention, eyes front. You will be asked if you have any + complaints to make, and each of you will have an + opportunity of making a complaint in the correct manner. + + "In making his complaint the man should advance two + paces forward, salute smartly, stand to attention and + make his complaint. + + "And, by Heavens, if anybody does...!" + + Yours ever, + + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +A TRACT FOR GROUSERS. + +Ernest and I were seated by the river. It was very pleasant there, and +it seemed a small thing to us that we were both still disabled. + +"Did you ever say to yourself, when you were out there, that if ever you +got out of it alive you'd never grumble at anything again?'" said +Ernest. + +My reply was in the affirmative. + +We were silent for a while, remorse weighing heavily upon us. + +"The worst case," said Ernest at length, "was when I got my commission +and came home for my kit." + +I composed myself to listen, piously determined not to grumble however +tedious I might find his recital. + +"We'd been near a place called Ypres," he began. + +"I seem to have heard the name," I murmured. + +"I hadn't been sleeping really well for a week--we'd been in the +trenches that time--and before that I had lain somewhat uneasily upon a +concrete floor." + +"Yes, concrete is hard, isn't it?" I said. + +"We came out at three in the morning, and arrived at our billets about +seven. I knew this commission was on the _tapis_--French word meaning +carpet--so I hung round not daring to turn in. At eleven o'clock I had +orders to push off home to get my kit. You'll guess I didn't want asking +twice. I made my way to the railhead at once in case of any hitch, and +had to wait some time for a train. It was a goods train when it came, +but it did quite well and deposited me outside the port of embarkation +about nine o'clock at night. I walked on into the port and found the +ship that was crossing next morning. I went below in search of a cabin. +There was a French sailor there to whom I explained my need." + +"How?" I asked, for I do not share Ernest's opinion of his mastery of +the French language, but he ignored this. + +"It was dark down there," he went on, "too dark for him to see that I +was in a private's uniform, so I put on a bit of side and he took me for +an officer." + +"A French officer?" + +"Very likely. Anyway he found me a beautiful cabin with a lovely couch +in it all covered with plush. You would have thought I should want +nothing but to be left to sleep; but no, I saw that the officer in the +next cabin had a candle, and there was no candle for me. Instantly my +worst instincts were aroused. I felt I was being put upon. I demanded a +candle. The sailor declared there wasn't one left." + +"You're sure he understood what you were asking for?" + +"Yes, I know that candle is boogy, thank you. I argued with him for ten +minutes and then turned in, grumbling. Queer, wasn't it?" + +"Yes," I said. + +I sat there for a while, thinking over Ernest's story, which had, it +seemed to me, something of the tract about it. + +Later the midges began to attack us. + +"Aren't these midges absolutely--" I began, and then stopped, +remembering Ernest's tract. It only shows, as I said to Ernest, that we +may learn something even from the most unlikely people. + + * * * * * + +"Wanted, a strong Boy, about 15 years old, for bottling, &c. The +Brewery, Brixham." + +_The Western Guardian._ + +"Waiter, bring me a bottle of the boy." + + * * * * * + +"... contest the right of the Spanish authorities to intern damaged +submarines seeking refuse in neutral ports."--_Star._ + +The Spanish authorities are expected to reply that if that is what the +U-boats are after there is no need for them to leave home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Artist._ "BY GAD! OLD PARSLEY'S SURPASSED +HIMSELF. LAMB CUTLETS, TWO CHOCOLATE CAKES AND THREE LUMPS OF SUGAR. +RATTLING GOOD SUBJECT." + +_Second Artist._ "I THOUGHT OF ONE NEARLY AS GOOD, BUT COULDN'T AFFORD +THE MODELS."] + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +_(The GERMAN CROWN PRINCE and Fritz, his Valet.)_ + +_The Crown Prince (in bed and yawning)._ Is that you, Fritz? + +_Fritz._ Yes, your Royal Highness. What uniform shall I lay out for his +Royal Highness? + +_The C.P._ You can lay out the best I have--the one of the Death's Head +Hussars, with all my stars and medals. I am expecting an important +visit. + +_Fritz (with a meaning smile)._ If I might venture so far, I would +suggest to his Royal Highness that he should wear the Trench uniform, +which I arranged with the bullet-holes and the mud-splashes. It creates +a greater effect, especially if the visitor be a lady. + +_The C.P._ Fritz, you dog, how dare you? Very well, have it your own way +and let it be the Trench uniform. + +_Fritz._ I am only anxious to promote his Royal Highness's interest in +every possible way. + +_The C.P._ I know, I know. Only we shall have old HINDENBURG growling +and grunting and looking as black as a thundercloud. I cannot imagine +what my revered father sees in that old wooden effigy, whose only idea +of strategy is to retreat from strong positions. That, at any rate, is +not the fashion in which I have learnt war. I'm thoroughly tired of +hearing of all these HINDENBURG plans, which come to nothing. + +_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness is, of course, right. But what I say to +myself is that the ALL-HIGHEST, your Royal Highness's most gracious +father, has in all this a deep-laid design to show conclusively that all +these HINDENBURG plans mean nothing, so that in the end true skill and +merit may have a chance, and the chief command may be placed in the only +hands that are fit to exercise it. Oh, yes, I know what I'm talking +about, and everyone I meet says the same. + +_The C.P._ I have always felt that that must be so. No matter, a time +will come. By the way, Fritz, have you packed up the _Sèvres_ +dinner-service? + +_Fritz._ I have already packed six from as many different French and +Belgian houses, and have sent them to Berlin, according to your Royal +Highness's directions. Which does your Royal Highness refer to? + +_The C.P._ I mean the one with the simple pattern of pink flowers and +the coat-of-arms. + +_Fritz._ Yes, that I have packed like the rest and have sent off. + +_The C.P._ And the silver dishes and the lace? + +_Fritz._ Yes, they have all gone. + +_The C.P._ Good. And the clocks? + +_Fritz._ Yes, I did in every case what your Royal Highness ordered me to +do. + +_The C.P._ And you packed them, I hope, with the greatest care? + +_Fritz._ I did; nothing, I am certain, will suffer damage. + +_The C.P._ Excellent. War is, no doubt, a rough and brutal affair, but +at least it cannot be said that we Prussians do not behave like +gentlemen. + +_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness speaks, as always, the plain truth. How +different from the degenerate French and the intolerable English. + +_The C.P._ Yes, Fritz; and now you can go. Stay; there was something I +wanted to ask you. Dear me, I am losing my memory. Ah! I have it. How is +my offensive getting on? Has any news come in from the _Chemin des +Dames_? + +_Fritz._ Your Royal Highness's offensive has not advanced to any great +extent. The French last night recaptured all their positions and even +penetrated into ours. + +_The C.P._ Did they? How very annoying. Somebody bungled, of course. +Well, well, I shall have to put it right when I have time. Have you +finished laying out my uniform? Yes. Then you can go. + + * * * * * + +THE HUMILIATION OF THE PALFREY. + + Where is she now, the pride of the battalion, + That ambled always at the Colonel's side, + A fair white steed, like some majestic galleon + Which takes deliberate the harbour tide, + So soft, so slow, she scarcely seems to stir? + And that, indeed, was very true of her + Who was till late, so kind her character, + The only horse the Adjutant could ride. + + Ever she led the regiment on its journeys, + And held sweet converse with the Colonel's gee: + Of knights, no doubt, and old heroic tourneys, + And how she bare great ladies o'er the lea; + And on high hill-sides, when the men felt dead, + Far up the height they viewed her at the head, + A star of hope, and shook themselves, and said, + "If she can do it, dammit, so can we!" + + But where is now my Adjutantial palfrey? + In front no longer but in rear to-day, + Behind the bicycles, and not at all free + To be familiar with the General's gray, + She walks in shame with all those misanthropes, + The sad pack-animals who have no hopes + But must by men be led about on ropes, + Condemned till death to carry S.A.A., + + And bombs, and beef, and officers' valises; + And I at eve have marked my wistful mare + By thronging dumps where cursing never ceases + And rations come, for oft she brings them there, + Patient, aloof; and when the shrapnel dropp'd + And the young mules complained and kicked and hopp'd, + She only stood unmoved, with one leg propp'd, + As if she heard it not or did not care; + + Or heard, maybe, but hoped to get a Blighty; + For on her past she lately seemed to brood + And dreamed herself once more among the mighty, + By grooms beloved and reverently shoed; + But now she has no standing in the corps, + And Death itself would hardly be a bore, + Save that, although she carries me no more, + 'Tis something still to carry up my food. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE WAR-NOTE IN EXAMINATIONS. + +Extract from Smith Minor's Scripture paper:-- + + "And when Jephthah saw his daughter coming to meet him he was + very much upset. But he had to keep to his vow, so he gave her + two months' leave and then he killed her." + + * * * * * + Quoting a European statesman, saying the war would be won by the + last 500,000 bushels of what, Mr. Hoover said."--_New York + Times_. + +We trust Mr. HOOVER will hurry up with his peroration. + + * * * * * + + "I feel that I might claim almost a special kinship with Baron + Sonnino, because I believe his mother was a Welsh lady." + + _"Weekly Dispatch" Report of Premier's Speech._ + + "Baron Sonnino, by the way, who is of half-Scottish extraction, + speaks English perfectly. How many of the master minds at our + Foreign Office speak Italian perfectly?" + + _"Weekly Dispatch" Secret History of the Week._ + +But in fairness to the "master minds" it should be remembered that few +of them have the advantage of a Scotch father and a Welsh mother. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hospital Wardmaid (who has shown the new matron into her +room)._--"WELL, I MUST SAY I HOPE YOU'VE COME TO STAY. YOU'LL BE THE +SIXTH MATRON I'VE TRAINED."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE BETTER 'OLE." + +I must congratulate Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN on his courage in transforming +the Oxford Music-hall into a home of "the legitimate," and still more on +his good fortune in securing for the initiation of his new venture the +play which Captain BRUCE BAIRNSFATHER and Captain ARTHUR ELIOT have +written round the adventures of "Old Bill." In form it resembles a +_revue_, but I prefer to call it a play, because it possesses a plot, +distinct if slight--an encumbrance banned by most _revue_ producers; and +because it contains an abundance of honest spontaneous fun. The authors +start with the advantage, if it be an advantage, that the principal +characters are already familiar to the audience through the medium of +Captain BAIRNSFATHER's popular drawings; but they have not been content +with reproducing their well-known, now almost hackneyed, adventures, but +have added many others which are new and yet "come into the picture." + +Their greatest piece of luck was in finding a comedian exactly fitted to +fill the part of the humble hero. Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER as _Old Bill_ is +absolutely "it." His make-up is perfect; he might have stepped out of +the drawing, or sat for it, whichever you please. But, much more than +that, he seems to have exactly realised the sort of man _Old Bill_ +probably is in real life--slow-speaking and stolid in manner, yet with a +vein of common-sense underlying his apparent stupidity; much addicted to +beer and other liquids, but not brutalized thereby; and, while often +grousing and grumbling, nevertheless possessed almost unconsciously of a +strong sense of duty and an undaunted determination to see it through. +It is a tribute to the essential truthfulness of Captain BAIRNSFATHER'S +conception and Mr. BOURCHIER'S acting that one comes away from _The +Better 'Ole_ feeling that there must be thousands of _Old Bills_ at the +Front fighting for our freedom. + +Admirable work is done, too, by Mr. TOM WOOTTWELL as _Bert_, the +incorrigible amorist, for whom each new girl is "the only girl," and who +has an apparently inexhaustible supply of identity-discs to leave with +them as "sooveneers"; and by Mr. SINCLAIR COTTER as _Alf_, the cynical +humourist--"Where were you eddicated, Eton or Harrod's?" is one of his +best _mots_--who spends most of his time in wrestling with an automatic +cigar-lighter. I think it would be only poetical justice if in the +concluding scene, when _Old Bill_ comes into his own, the authors were +for once to allow _Alf_ to succeed in lighting his "fag." + +Of the many ladies who add charm to the entertainment I can only mention +Miss EDMÉE DORMEUIL, who as _Victoire_ has an important share in the +plot and saves _Old Bill's_ life; Miss GOODIE REEVE, who sings some +capital songs; and Miss PEGGY DORAN, who looks bewitching as an officer +of the Woman Workers' Corps. The music, arranged by Mr. HERMAN DAREWSKI, +is catchy and not uncomfortably original: and the scenery, designed by +Captain BAIRNSFATHER, gives one, I should say, as good an idea of the +trenches as one can get without going there. In fine I would parody _Old +Bill_ and say, "If you knows of a better show, go to it!" + +L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Perfect stranger (to Jones, who has not forgotten +Willie's birthday)._ "AIN'T YOU ASHAMED TO GO BATTING THESE DAYS?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE +SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."] + + * * * * * + +TO A MODERN MUSE. + + O Metaphasia, peerless maid, + How can I fitly sing + The priceless decorative aid + To dialogue you bring, + Enabling serious folk, whose brains + Are commonplace and crude, + To soar to unimagined planes + Of sweet ineptitude. + + Changed by your magic, common-sense + Nonsensical appears, + And stars of sober influence + Shoot madly from their spheres. + You lure us from the beaten track, + From minding P.'s and Q.'s, + To paths where white is always black + And pies resemble pews. + + Strange beasts, more strange than the giraffe, + You conjure up to view, + The flue-box and the forking-calf, + Unknown at any Zoo; + And new vocations you unfold, + Wonder on wonder heaping, + Hell-banging for the over-bold, + And toffee-cavern keeping. + + With you we hatch the pasty snipe, + And all undaunted face + Huge fish of unfamiliar type-- + Bush-pike and bubble-dace; + Or, fired by hopes of lyric fame, + We deviate from prose, + And make it our especial aim + Bun-sonnets to compose. + + I wonder did the ancients prove + Responsive to your spell, + Or, riveted to Reason's groove, + Against your charms rebel. + And yet some senator obese, + In Rome long years ago, + May have misnamed a masterpiece + _De Gallo bellico_. + + We know there were heroic men + Ere AGAMEMNON'S days, + Who passed forgotten from our ken, + Lacking a poet's praise; + But, though great Metaphasiarchs + Have doubtless flourished sooner, + I'm sure their raciest remarks + Have been eclipsed by S-----r. + + * * * * * + +THE LIMIT. + + "The daily cost of the war has shown an alarming tendency to + mount, and has gone beyond the 700 millions which some folk + thought must be the limit a few months ago." + + _Sussex Daily News._ + + * * * * * + + "Junior Assistant wanted to Grocery, Spirit and Provision + business; send copy references and salary expected."--_Irish + Paper._ + +Quite a promising idea for getting more capital into a business. + + * * * * * + +INVENTIONS. + +"Amongst a number of new inventions," says the _Frankfischer Tagwacht_, +"is an imitation of the smell of Limburger cheese." This has caused some +alarm and not a little interest in this country, as the following +extracts will show:-- + +"Berlin Resident" states that he has too long been fed up with imitation +meals, and for weeks past has had nothing to eat but holes from +Limburger. + +"Cynic" remarks that it is impossible for the German scientists to +defeat the WOLFF wireless at inventions. + +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is anxious to know whether they have yet +discovered a substitute for _The Morning Post_. + +_The Times_ Greenwich correspondent wires: "If they have invented a +method whereby a news report will make a noise like 'Passed by Censor' +will they wire terms?" + + * * * * * + +Inscription on a French picture post-card:-- + + "Une locomotive abandonée devant Thiepval. One locomotive a + profligate woman forepart Thiepval." + +Smith minor is avenged. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE REAL VOICE OF LABOUR. + +TOMMY. "SO YOU'RE GOING TO STOCKHOLM TO TALK TO FRITZ, ARE YOU? WELL, +I'M GOING BACK TO FRANCE TO _FIGHT_ HIM."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, August 6th._--This being Bank Holiday and the first fine day +after a week's downpour, Members for the most part stayed away from +Westminster. Some, it is charitably supposed, have gone to look after +their allotments. Others, it is believed, have been kept away by a +different reason. The taxicab-drivers, men constitutionally averse from +extortion, have refused to enter the railway-station yards so long as +the companies persist in exacting from them a whole penny for the +privilege. Consequently some of our week-ending legislators are reported +to be interned at Waterloo and Paddington, sitting disconsolately upon +their portmanteaux. As an appeal to the Board of Trade elicited nothing +more from Mr. G. ROBERTS than a disclaimer of personal responsibility, +it is expected that redress will be sought from the Taxi-cabinet. + +Mr. HENDERSON'S dual personality continues to arouse curiosity. There +was some justification for Mr. KING'S inquiry whether he went to +Petrograd as a Ministerial _Jekyll_ or a Labourist _Hyde_. Mr. BONAR LAW +assured the House that on this occasion at least Mr. HENDERSON went +purely as a Cabinet Minister, guiltless of any duplicity. + +Mr. PROTHERO enlivened the discussion on the Corn Production Bill by a +new clause providing that where a farmer failed to destroy the rabbits +on his land the Board of Agriculture should have power to do it for him +and recover the expenses incurred. Sir JOHN SPEAR expected that in some +cases the rabbits secured would more than defray the cost of the +capture, and declared that unless the farmer was allowed to keep the +rabbits the Government would be guilty of "profiteering." As other +agricultural Members appeared to share this view, Mr. PROTHERO, most +obliging of Ministers, agreed to alter the word "cost" to "net cost." I +hope no litigious farmer will seek to evade his liabilities on the +ground that, as the Act only says "net cost," he need not pay for the +ferrets. + +_Tuesday, August 7th._--Those peers who were supposed to be shaking in +their shoes at the thought of Lord SELBORNE'S impending revelations as +to the means by which they acquired their honours might have spared +their tremors. He opened his bag to-day, but no cat jumped out, not even +the smallest kitten. If he had given a single concrete example of a peer +who, having notoriously no public services at his back, must be presumed +to have purchased his title, he would have created some effect. But the +admission that all his information on the subject was confidential cut +the ground from under his feet; and needless to say none of the Peers +whom he hypothetically accused of buying their coronets responded to his +appeal by standing forth in a white sheet and making open confession of +his crime. + +[Illustration: THE FOUNT OF HONOUR AT WORK. + +LORD CURZON CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT.] + +Lord SELBORNE was one of three heirs to peerages who a generation ago +banded themselves together to resist elevation to the House of Lords. +Another of them is Lord CURZON, who answered him to-night, and whose +contempt for the Chamber which he now adorns seems to have grown with +the years that he has spent in it. Reading between the lines of his +speech a cynic could only infer that the Upper House, as at present +constituted, is such a useless and superfluous assembly that it does not +much matter who gets into it or by what venal ladder he climbs. + +The only peers who ventured to get to close quarters with the scandal +were Lord KNUTSFORD, who told a moving tale of how a potential baronet +diverted £25,000 from the London Hospital to a certain party fund, and +thereby achieved his purpose; and Lord SALISBURY, who declared from his +knowledge of Prime Ministers that they were sick of administering the +system of which Lord CURZON was so ostentatiously ignorant. + +[Illustration: WINSTON'S GIFT TO HIS NEW PRIVATE SECRETARY, MR. +MACCALLUM SCOTT.] + +Many reasons have been assigned for Mr. CHURCHILL'S reinclusion in the +Ministry, but I am inclined to think that the real one has only just +been discovered. Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT is one of the most pertinacious +inquisitors of the Treasury Bench; he is also a whole-souled admirer of +the Member for DUNDEE, and has written a book in eulogy of his +achievements by sea and land. Mr. CHURCHILL has rewarded this devotion +by appointing Mr. SCOTT his private secretary, and, as it is contrary to +Parliamentary etiquette for a Member holding this position to +interrogate other Ministers, has thereby conferred a distinct benefit +upon his new colleagues. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is now reported to be on the +look-out for other statesmen in whom Mr. HOGGE and Mr. PRINGLE repose a +similar trust, but so far without success; and it is thought that his +only chance is to make Mr. PRINGLE an Under-Secretary on condition that +he takes Mr. HOGGE as his _âme damnée_, or _vice versâ_. + +_Wednesday, August 8th._--Lord BURNHAM shocked some of the more ancient +peers by his skittish references to the coming Conference on the Second +Chamber. When he expressed the hope that Lord CURZON would make an +explicit statement, on the ground that their Lordships' House was in no +need of a soporific, I fully expected one of the occupants of the +mausoleum to rise and reprove him in the words of Dr. JOHNSON, "Sir, in +order to be facetious it is not necessary to be indecent." + +The advent of the feminine lawyer was rendered a little nearer when her +champions successfully held up a Bill promoted by the Incorporated Law +Society until the Government undertook to find time for the discussion +of a measure enabling women to become solicitors. Already _Shylock_ is +trembling at the prospect. + +_Thursday, August 9th_.--When the House on two successive occasions +rejected Proportional Representation it was generally thought that +nothing more would be heard of the other proposals for securing minority +representation. To-night, however, after a brisk debate, the +"Alternative vote" in three-cornered contests was saved in a free +division by a single vote; and it was further decided that "P.R." itself +should be adopted at University elections, despite the unanimous +opposition of the University Representatives. + + * * * * * + +THE CHOICE. + +The bright August sun certainly made the dining-room paper look dingy. +It was a plain, self-coloured paper, but we were rather attached to it, +and didn't like the idea of a change. + +But there seemed no help for it, so I arranged to leave my office early +on Friday afternoon, meet Alison at the Marble Arch tube station and go +with her to choose a new paper. + +When we reached the wall-paperer's lair we were ushered by an immaculate +personage into a room that looked more like the dining-room of a private +house than a part of business premises. + +"Perhaps," I said, in an awed whisper, "you don't care to have anything +to do with such trifling things as--er--wall-paper?" + +"Indeed we do," said the nobleman. "Most important things, wall-papers. +Where did you want it for?" + +"For a room in my house, of course," I said. "Not for the garden." + +"Oh, not for the garden. And what sort of house is yours?" he asked. + +"A very nice house," I said. + +"I meant what was the style of the house--Jacobean, Georgian?" + +"Brixtonian rococo outwardly," I said, "as far as I can judge; but very +snug inside. No doubt you could show us something we should like which +would also satisfy your sense of propriety." + +"I think it might be managed," he said, waving his hand towards two or +three giant books of patterns. + +"What we want," I said, "is something meaty." + +"Ah, for the dining-room," he said. + +"Well, it's a courtesy title," I said, "but really in these hard times +we have reduced economy to such a fine art that I thought a wall-paper +with body in it might help matters." + +"I think I catch the idea," said the marquis. "Something that would make +you feel more satisfied after dinner than you otherwise would feel, as +it were." + +"My dear Sir," I said, "you have hit it exactly. Yours is a sympathetic +nature. How readily you have divined my thoughts! No doubt you too are +suffering." + +He sighed almost audibly. "How is the room furnished?" he said. + +"Leading features," I said, "a Welsh dresser, rush-bottomed chairs, +gate-legged table, bookcases--" + +"Saxe-blue carpet," said Alison. + +"A most important detail," Lord Bayswater said. "Don't you think +something of a chintzy nature would ... etc." + +Both Alison and I agreed that a prescription of that kind might possibly +... etc. + +I don't know what is comprised under the term chintzy, but it appeared +to be a comprehensive one, for the nobleman descanted on the merits of +the following patterns among others:-- + +(1) Cockatoos on trees, cockatooing. + +(2) Pheasants on trees, eating blackberries. + +(3) Other birds on trees, doing nothing in particular. + +(4) Roses, in full bloom, half bloom, fading, falling. + +(5) Forget-me-nots in bunches, ready for sale. + +(6) Grapes doing whatever it is that grapes do. + +(7) Other flowers and fruits, also acting after the manner of their +kind. + +Many other patterns were shown us and we spent an hour or two looking at +them. Our host tried hard to push the cockatoos on to us. His idea was +that the pattern would act as wallpaper and pictures combined. Alison's +idea was that there would be too many portraits of cockatoos round the +room, and I maintained that the wretched birds looked so realistic that +I should certainly feel I ought to be giving them some food, and this +would of course hardly assist my idea. The noes had it. + +In the end we came away with four patterns (fruits and flowers) and a +promise to let Lord Bayswater know which one we preferred. One of them I +chose really to show my tailor, as it was a top-hole scheme for a winter +waistcoat. + +Alison and I spent the evening hanging the patterns up one after the +other on one wall of the dining-room, and tried to paper the rest of the +walls in the mind's eye, but at eleven o'clock we knocked off for the +night and went to bed with headaches. + +I fancy Alison must have had a disturbed night. As I was leaving the +house after breakfast she said, "Have you made up your mind about those +patterns?" + +"No, I haven't," I said. "I'm going to leave it to you. Choose which you +like." + +"I've chosen," she said with an air of finality. + +"Well," said Alison, when I reached home that evening, "it's up." + +"Up?" I said. "The new paper, already?" + +"Come and see," Alison said. + +"By Jove, how well it looks!" I said. "You've chosen well. There's +something familiar about it, though it looks almost new." + +"Yes," said Alison, "Ellen and I cleaned it all over with bread-crumbs." + +"Poor Lord Bayswater," I said. "But you've done the right thing. +Wall-paper as usual during the War." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NAH, ALL THEM AS IS WILLIN' TO COME ALONG O' ME, PLEASE +SIGNIFY THE SAME IN THE USUAL MANNER. CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First dangerous Mule (to second ditto)._ "DON'T YOU GO +NEAR HER, MATE--SHE'LL KICK YER."] + + * * * * * + + "The annual agricultural returns show that the increased area in + England and Wales of corn and potatoes for the present harvest + amount to no less than 347,0000 acres. This result exceeds all + expectations." + +_Bradford Daily Argus_. + +We can well believe it. + + * * * * * + +From a sale advertisement:-- + + "LACE DEPT. + + Ladies' Overalls and Breeches for the farm, garden, or home use, + reduced in Price." + + _Daily Paper._ + +Cooler and cooler. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Angry Lady (on being told that Fido's favourite biscuits +are now unobtainable)._ + +"NOTHING BUT THESE! REALLY, THIS WAR IS GETTING BEYOND A JOKE!"] + + * * * * * + +"SKILLY." + +Prior to "Skilly" being taken on the regimental strength, our canteen +was the paradise of a battalion of mice, from whose nightly raids +nothing was sacred. But from the day "Skilly" enlisted the marauders +became less and less obtrusive. And "Skilly" grew sleek. + +Then came a time of scarcity. Mice fought shy of the canteen, and +"Skilly" visibly suffered from lack of nourishment. A sergeant's wife +provided welcome hospitality; but no sooner was "Skilly" billeted +outside the canteen than the plague returned, and so she was recalled +urgently to active service. Again was the enemy routed; but again came +the wilting-time of dire want. Virtue, however, did not go unrewarded a +second time. "Skilly" had earned honourable mention, and representations +to the proper quarters resulted in an order that she should be rationed +so long as she remained on canteen duty. + +With times of ease came time for love. In due course "Skilly" presented +an absentee and unidentifiable spouse with five bouncing baby kittens. +Throughout their extreme infancy the family throve; but the time came +when the devoted mother was no longer able to supply sufficient +nutriment for five lusty youngsters. Clearly something must be done, and +the canteen sergeant was the man to do it. He sent in a proper formal +application to the regimental powers, requesting that increased feline +rations be ordered as "subsistence for Canteen Skilly and family of +five." + +Time passed, and--let this be read and remembered by all carping critics +who accuse our army of want of method and business sense--in due course +the application was returned, properly entered, checked, signed and +counter-signed. The verdict run thus: "Application on behalf of Canteen +Skilly refused, as apparently she married off the strength of the +regiment." + + * * * * * + + "No youth should be regarded educationally as a finished article + at 1 years of age." _Yorkshire Post._ + +Mr. Fisher will be pleased. + + * * * * * + +"A MERRY HEART GOES ALL THE DAY." + + I jogged along the footpath way + And leant against the stile; + "A merry heart goes all the day," + Stoutly I sang the old refrain; + My own heart mocked me back again, + "Yet tire you in a mile!" + + Well may I tire, that stand alone + And turn a wistful glance + On each remembered tree and stone, + Familiar landmarks of a road + Where once so light of heart I strode + With one who sleeps in France. + + Heavily on the stile I lean, + Not as we leant of yore, + To drink the beauty of the scene, + Glory of green and blue and gold, + Shadow and gleam on wood and wold + That he will see no more. + + Then came from somewhere far afield + A song of thrush unseen, + And suddenly there stood revealed + (Oh heart so merry, song so true!) + A day when we shall walk, we two, + Where other worlds are green. + + * * * * * + +THE REVIEWS FOR ----. + +_(A specimen article for the use of those editors who have come to the +realisation that the contents of our heavier periodicals never change. +All that is needed is the insertion of the right month and the survey +can be used as a serial.)_ + +In _The Umteenth Century and Forever_, which is, as usual, alert and +interesting, the place of honour is given to an article by Sir Vincent +Stodge, M.P., on "Proportional Representation in New Patagonia." Sir +Vincent's argument may or may not convince, but it is succinctly stated. +Sir ERNEST CASSEL writes usefully on "Economy for Cottagers," and Lord +Sopwith, in a paper on "Air Raids and Glowworms," shows how important it +is that on dark nights there should be some compulsory extinction of the +light of these dangerous and, he fears, pro-German, insects. Mr. HARRY +DE WINDT describes "Galicia as I Knew It," and there are suggestive +papers on "The Probable Course of History for the next Three Centuries," +by the Dean of LINCOLN; "Potatoes as Food," by Sir WALTER RALEIGH; and +"Hair in Relation to Eminence," by Dr. SALEEBY, in which all the strong +men in history famous for their locks, from SAMSON to Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, +are passed in review. An excellent number, full of mental nutriment, is +brought to a close by a symposium of Bishops on the petrol restrictions. + + * * * * * + +By a strange coincidence _The Shortsightly_ also has a valuable paper on +"Proportional Representation," by Mr. and Mrs. C.N. WILLIAMSON, who thus +make their bow for the first time among what might be called our +thinking novelists, their effort being in some degree balanced by an +essay in the same number from so inveterate a politician as Mr. J.M. +HOGGE, M.P., on the "Wit and Humour of WILLIAM LE QUEUX." There is also +an anonymous article of great power on "Conscientious Objectors as Food +for Racehorses," which should cause discussion, both by reason of its +arguments and also through the secret of its authorship, which to the +initiated is only of course a _secret de Polichinelle_. For the rest we +content ourselves with drawing attention to "The Small Holding," by Lord +PIRRIE; "Women and Tobacco," by the Manager of the Piccadilly Hotel; +"Feud Control," by Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN, M.P.; "Russia as I knew it," by +Mr. HARRY DE WINDT; and "The Spirit of Ireland," by Sir JOHN POWER. + + * * * * * + +_The Peremptory Review_ opens with Lord CURZON'S well-reasoned appeal to +Labour to relinquish its attitude of criticism and trust the powers that +be. Other notable articles deal with the possible effect of woman's +franchise on the cult of Pekinese spaniels, the case pro and con. for a +tunnel under St. George's Channel, and the philosophy of E. PHILLIPS +OPPENHEIM. Mr. HARRY DE WINDT writes of "Serbia as I Knew It." A +spirited attack on the MINISTER of MUNITIONS by the Editor of _The +Morning Post_ brings an excellent number to a close. + + * * * * * + +_Backwood's_ is, as usual, strong in the martial element, and is further +proof that in the present conflict there is no excluding rivalry between +pen and sword, but plenty of room for both. The article wittily +entitled, "Mess-up-otamia" should be read by everyone who is not tired +of that theme. The trenchant author of "Reflections without Rancour" +displays his customary vigilance as a censor of _bêtes noires_, not +sparing the whip even when some of the animals are dead. + + * * * * * + +In the ever iconoclastic and live _Gnashing All Review_ Mr. Smacksy is, +as usual, at his most vigorous. Among the statesmen who come in for his +attacks are Mr. ASQUITH and Lord HALDANE, both of whom are probably by +now quite inured to his blows. Nothing could be more amusing than the +renewed play which is made with the phrase, "spiritual home." Mr. +Smacksy has also something to say to members of what might be called his +own Party. Other articles deal with "The Psychology of the Pacifist," a +trenchant exposure; "The Teeth of American Presidents," which contains a +number of curious statistics; "The Film and the Future," by Viscount +CHAPLIN; "The Honours List," in which the anonymous writer makes the +revolutionary suggestion that the KING'S birthday should in future be +marked by the withdrawal of old titles instead of the conferring of new. +Mr. HARRY DE WINDT descries "Roumania as I Knew It"; "A Suggestion for +the Settlement of the Irish Problem" is offered by Mr. GINNELL, M.P.; +and Mr. C.B. COCHRAN utters a disinterested plea for "The Small +Theatre." + + * * * * * + +_The Jinglish Review_, also famous for the activity of its fighting +editor, has no fewer than four articles from his pen, of which the least +negligible is perhaps that of "The Partition of Europe after the War." +The others deal with "The Real Germany," "Sunday Journalism as a World +Asset," and "HORATIO BOTTOMLEY the Prophet." Other contributions in a +varied number include a series of votive verses to Mr. EDWARD MARSH, +C.B., by a band of Georgian poets, on the occasion of his resumption of +his duties as private secretary to Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A charming +study of leprosy, translated from the Russian of Lugubriski, brings the +number to a close. + + * * * * * + +LONDON PRIDE. + + Upon a lily-laden tide, + Where galleons rocked with sails blown wide + And white swans gleamed, there was a city + Whose citizens called "London Pride" + The flower that some call "None-so-Pretty." + + It grew beside the frowning tower, + By RALEGH'S walk and BOLEYN'S bower, + As frail as joy, as sweet as pity; + And "London Pride" they called that flower + Which country folk call "None-so-Pretty." + + When London lads made holiday + In dewy hours o' th' month o' May, + And footed it with Moll and Kitty, + Among the maypole garlands gay + Be sure they plaited "None-so-Pretty." + + When London lads in battle bent + Their bows beside the bows of Kent + ('Tis told in many a gallant ditty) + Their caps were tufted as they went + With "London Pride" or "None-so-Pretty." + + Oh, London is what London was, + And mighty food for pride she has; + Her saints are wise, her sinners witty, + And Picard clay and Flemish grass + Are sweet with stars of "None-so-Pretty." + + * * * * * + +"SAMMIES." + +_À propos_ of the note in our issue of August 1st, a Correspondent +suggests that the Americans might go into action to the tune of "Tommy +make room for your Uncle." + + * * * * * + + "A Leghorn pullet, belonging to Mrs. G.R. Bell, of Coxhoe, + Durham, has laid an egg 3-1/4 oz. in weight, 7-1/2 in. in + diameter, and 6-1/4 in. in circumference."--_Scotch Paper._ + +Most interesting and novel, but very disconcerting to the +mathematicians. + + * * * * * + + "The procession was headed by the choristers and songmen, and + included the surplus clergy and the Very Rev. the Dean." + + _Yorkshire Herald._ + +No support here, you will note, for the recent suggestion that Deans are +superfluous. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FAILURE OF THE FILM-THRILL. + +PATIENTS FROM THE LATEST PUSH AT THE PICTURES.] + + * * * * * + +DUELLING EXTRAORDINARY. + +The contemplated single-stick encounter between Colonel ARCHER-SHEE and +Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING recalls to mind a ludicrous affair which actually +happened some years ago in a foreign city which I will here call +Killemalivo. + +Mr. Alec McTavish, a Briton many years resident in that fair capital and +editor of the only English newspaper, had taken up stout verbal cudgels +on behalf of the Americans, who had been viciously attacked in the +columns of a local "daily." The United States of the North, in its +capacity of "special" to the entire American continent, comes in for +plenty of abuse when a new revolution is about to be perpetrated. + +The strife had waxed fast and furious and eventually had taken on a +personal tone, the editor of _La Muera_ accusing the editor of the +English paper of being "that lowest of all living things--a Texan." It +will be remembered that in times gone by the State of Texas decided to +desert its Latin parents and roost under the shadow of the eagle's wing, +thereby earning for itself prosperity and an evil reputation--in certain +quarters. + +McTavish's editorial reply was a gem of satire and displayed an intimate +knowledge of the antecedents of the rival editor. + +At that time duelling was still prevalent, and it was not many days +before the editorial sanctum of _The Tribune_ was honoured by the visit +of two officers in full-dress uniform. + +The eventual outcome of their visit was that Mr. McTavish found himself +pledged to fight a duel with a man who was, among other things, a +first-class pistol shot and exceptionally expert with the "florette," +all of which McTavish was not. + +The affair looked particularly unpleasant--to McTavish, who was short, +fat, and by no means young. But the dignity of the foreign population as +represented by the editor of _The Killemalivo Tribune_ must of necessity +be upheld. + +Faced by this quite unusual difficulty, McTavish bethought him of his +old and tried friend, General O'Flynnone, an Irish-American of many +years' residence in the Latin Americas. No one seemed to know his real +name, and the title of General had come to him from his last place. + +The General was delighted at the turn of events, agreed to be McTavish's +second, and promised to get him through the affair with a whole skin and +no loss of honour. + +As the challenged party McTavish had choice of weapons, which was the +crux of the situation, as the General pointed out. + +Among the Killemalivo aristocracy the favourite weapons were the +duelling pistol and the "florette," or rapier. The "pelado," or lower +orders, preferred the "lingua de vaca," which means literally "cow's +tongue," a nasty-looking knife of no mean proportions. + +As O'Flynnone explained, the duel would have to be fought with "killing +weapons"; nothing else would satisfy the bloodthirsty editor. Meanwhile +he would think on the matter, and he advised McTavish to do likewise. + +The following were the most unpleasant days of his life, as McTavish +confessed afterwards. He was not a "conscientious objector," but he had +no pressing wish to exterminate his opponent, as that would have +necessitated a sudden and forcible exile from the land of his adoption; +still less did he fancy an early demise in the interests of his paper. + +Meanwhile the General visited the rival editor's seconds and arranged +for a meeting in his own rooms to discuss final conditions. + +O'Flynnone's rooms contained, among other things, a collection of +curious and ancient weapons. The walls were decorated with all sorts and +conditions of strange and barbarous instruments of slaughter; Zulu +assegais, Afghan knives and Burmese swords hung in savage array. + +The meeting took place on the following Sunday afternoon. The officers +greeted the General agreeably enough, but saluted McTavish with the +stiffness that the occasion called for. + +"Well, Señores," commenced the General, after depositing his visitors in +the most comfortable chairs, "to business. Mr. McTavish, as you will +admit, has the choice of weapons." + +The officers nodded assent. + +"This gentleman," continued O'Flynnone, "comes of that most noble and +warlike race--the Scotch. Fiercest of fighters, although they do not +sometimes look it, the warriors of Scotland alone among all nations +withstood the ravages of the conquering English. I feel sorry, very +sorry for the 'caballero' whom you have the honour to represent." + +The pause which followed was most impressive. The General's air was +suggestive of dire things, as with dramatic suddenness he produced from +beneath the sideboard two enormous double-edged battle-axes, which +careful polishing had made to shine as new. + +"These," said he, "are the weapons which Mr. McTavish has +chosen--weapons of men, such as they use in his own country," he +continued, brandishing one of them savagely. "And the fight will be on +barebacked horses, for such is the custom of the Scotch." + +The duel did not occur. + + * * * * * + +THE GAME OF HIS LIFE. + +I met the mercurial Gosling at the club a few days ago. As I hadn't seen +him for some time I asked if he had been on a holiday. "Yes," he said, +"down at Shinglestrand. Golfing? No--yes. I did play one game, the first +since the War, and rather a remarkable game it was. I'm a member of the +golf-club there, and was down at the clubhouse one morning looking at +the papers when a fat middle-aged man, about my age, asked me if I cared +for a game. I didn't, but in a spirit of self-sacrifice said that I +should be very glad. 'I think I ought to tell you,' he went on, 'that I +don't care about playing with a 18-handicap man, and that I always like +to have a sovereign on the match.' Now I never was much of a player--too +erratic, I suppose. My handicap has gone up from 12 to 18, and the last +time I played it was about 24. But, exasperated by his swank, I suddenly +found myself saying, 'My handicap is 12.' 'Very well,' replied the fat +man, 'I'll give you 4 strokes.' We went out to the first tee, and after +he had made a moderate shot I hit the drive of my life. My second landed +on the green and I ran down a long putt--this for a 4-bogey hole. I'm +not going to bore you with details. I won the second and third holes, +and then the fat man went to pieces. I never wanted any of my strokes +and downed him by 5 and 3. As we re-entered the club-house my partner, +who had become strangely silent, walked up to the board which gives the +list of handicaps and looked at them. There was my name with 18 opposite +it. 'I thought you said your handicap was 12,' he observed. 'Well,' I +answered, 'it wasn't more than that this morning.' The fat man was very +angry. He said he would report me to the committee, and he did. But the +secretary (who happens to be my brother) played up nobly. He +communicated with the secretary of the fat man's club, whom he happened +to know, and, having found out that the fat man's handicap was not 6 but +12, he wrote to him to say that in view of the fact that 'the lies had +been equally bad on both sides' the committee did not propose to take +any action. The fat man got no change out of my brother and I kept my +sovereign." + + * * * * * + +The Globe Trotters. + + "Mr. and Mrs. ----, of Knysna, are on a + visit to Knysna."--_South African Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MAYOR AND CORPORATION OF SPARKLINGTON-ON-SEA SOLEMNLY +TOUCHING WOOD ON THE OCCASION OF THEIR SENDING OUT TO THE PRESS A NOTICE +THAT THEIR TOWN HAS NEVER SUFFERED FROM ENEMY AIR-RAIDS.] + + * * * * * + +V.A.D. + + There's an angel in our ward as keeps a-flittin' to and fro + With fifty eyes upon 'er wherever she may go; + She's as pretty as a picture and as bright as mercury, + And she wears the cap and apron of a V.A.D. + + The Matron she is gracious and the Sister she is kind, + But they wasn't born just yesterday and lets you know their mind; + The M.O. and the Padre is as thoughtful as can be, + But they ain't so good to look at as our V.A.D. + + She's a honourable miss because 'er father is a dook, + But, Lord, you'd never guess it and it ain't no good to look + For 'er portrait in the illustrated papers, for you see + She ain't an advertiser, not _our_ V.A.D. + + Not like them that wash a tea-cup in an orficer's canteen + And then "Engaged in War Work" in the weekly Press is seen; + She's on the trot from morn to night and busy as a bee, + And there's 'eaps of wounded Tommies bless that V.A.D. + + She's the lightest 'and at dressin's and she polishes the floor, + She feeds Bill Smith who'll never never use 'is 'ands no more; + And we're all of us supporters of the harristocracy + 'Cos our weary days are lightened by that V.A.D. + + And when the War is over, some knight or belted earl, + What's survived from killin' Germans, will take 'er for 'is girl; + They'll go and see the pictures and then 'ave shrimps and tea; + 'E's a lucky man as gets 'er--and don't I wish 'twas me! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In _No Man's Land_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is revealed a breadth of +vision which may astonish some of us who have been inclined to regard +SAPPER as merely a talented story-teller. Among the writers on the War I +place him first, for the simple reason that I like him best; and I am +not at all sure that I should like him any better if he cured himself of +his cardinal fault. With his tongue in his cheek he dashes away from his +story to give us either a long or short digression; no more confirmed +digressionist ever put pen to paper, and the wonderful thing is that +these wanton excursions are worth following. True he often apologises +for them, but I do not think that we need take these apologies +seriously. This book is divided into four parts, "The Way to the Land," +"The Land," "Seed Time," and "Harvest," and in "Seed Time," at any rate, +we have a series of chapters which require not only to be read but to be +thought over. But whether he is out for fun, as in "Bendigo Jones--His +Tree," or for pathos, as in "Morphia," he obtains his effects without +the smallest appearance of effort. And I reserve a special word of +praise for "My Lady of the Jasmine," and commend it to the notice of +those pessimists who hold that only the French and the Americans can +write a good short story. Thank the powers that be for SAPPER. + + * * * * * + +_The Loom of Youth_ (GRANT RICHARDS) is yet another school story, but +with a difference, the difference being, partly at least, that it is +written by one who has so lately ceased to belong himself to the life +described that his account must carry an authority altogether unusual. +Here, one feels, is that strange and so-soon-forgotten country revealed +for us from within, and by a native denizen. For this alone Mr. ALEC +WAUGH'S book merits the epithet remarkable; indeed, considered as the +work of "a lad of seventeen," its vitality, discretion and general +maturity of tone seem little short of amazing. Realism is the note of +it. The modern schoolboy, as Mr. WAUGH paints him, employs, for example, +a vocabulary whose frequency, and freedom may possibly startle the +parental reader. Apart from this one might call the book an indictment +of hero-worship, as heroism is understood in a society where (still!) +athletic eminence places its possessor above all laws. This in itself is +so old an educational problem that it is interesting to find it handled +afresh in a study of ultra-modern boyhood. The actual matter of the +tale, individual character in its reaction to system, is naturally +common to most school stories; but even here Mr. WAUGH has contrived to +give an ending both original and sincere. Prophecy is dangerous; but +from a writer who has proved so brilliantly that, for once, _jeunesse +peut_, one seems justified in hoping that enlarged experience will +result in work of the highest quality. + + * * * * * + +Quite a host of moral reflections, none of them very original, flock to +one's mind in considering by what devious ways our Italian allies came +to range themselves on the side of that freedom which they have always +loved as well and bravely as any of the rest of us. For instance--a very +stale reflection--one sees Germany overdoing her own cleverness and +under-rating that of her neighbours--this more especially in her +arrogant dominance of Italy's commerce; further, one notices the Hun's +Belgian brutalities costing him dear in a quarter least expected; and +again one realises Italy's decision as a thing mainly dependent, in +spite of all Germany's taking little ways, on a righteous hatred of +Austria--a consideration which brings one surprisingly near to gratitude +towards the big-bully Government of Vienna. Our southern ally's loyalty +to her beautiful "unredeemed" provinces, and her claim, which all +right-minded Englishmen (I include myself) most heartily endorse, to +dominate the historically Italian waters of the Adriatic, happily proved +too strong for a machine-made sympathy for Berlin based on nothing +better than a superficial resemblance between the histories of Piedmont +and Prussia, and a record of nominal alliance with powers whose respect +for paper treaties was always fairly apparent. All the same, in reading +Mr. W. KAY WALLACE'S essay in recent history, _Greater Italy_ +(CONSTABLE), a volume which I cannot too strongly commend for its +admirable way of telling these and similar things, I am struck most of +all by the super-incumbent mass of Germanism that had to be burst +asunder before the true Italy broke free. The story of that liberation +is romance of an amazing order, for in it one sees the very soul of a +great and ancient people struggling to renewal of life. It is more than +good to have such an ally, it is an inspiration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Allotment Tripper._ "THIS HERE NORTH SEA DON'T HALF WANT +WEEDING."] + + * * * * * + +If you wish to complete your knowledge of the working of our new armies +and learn something of the business of the A.S.C. you can do so without +being bored in _L. of C._ (CONSTABLE), by Captain JAMES AGATE. The +author is one of that bright band of Mancunians which _The Manchester +Guardian_ has attached to its august fringes. He writes of the business +in hand, the vagaries of stores and indents and mere men and brass hats, +on this and the other side of the Channel, all with a very light and +engaging pen, and then spreads himself on any old far-off thing that +interests him, such as the theatre, perhaps a little self-consciously +and with a pleasant air of swagger most forgivable and, indeed, +enjoyable. His chief preoccupation is with art and letters, it is clear; +but, turning from them to the handling of urgent things and difficult +men, he faces the business manfully. Of the men in particular he has +illuminating things to say, redounding to their credit and, by +implication, to his. To those who appreciate form in penwork this book +may be safely recommended. + + * * * * * + +The Welcome. + + "Mr. F.H. ----, the newly co-opted member of the Hampstead Board + of Guardians, attended his first meeting of the Board on + Thursday, and lost his umbrella."--_Hampstead and Highgate + Express._ + + * * * * * + +"BEET COMMISSION CONCLUDES BUSINESS. + + Petrograd, July 9.--Except for a few final conferences with the + members of the Russian Government, the work here of the Root + Commission virtually has been concluded." + + _The Daily Gleaner (Jamaica)._ + +How headlines jump to conclusions! The Hon. ELIHU ROOT is, we feel +confident, anything but beet. + + * * * * * + +From a Parish Magazine:-- + + "BOY SCOUTS.--The troop held their annual sports on Saturday.... + The burden of arrangements for all fell upon the Scoutmaster + (Rev. ----), and showed how great is the need for him to have + some capable assistants." + +Still, was it quite tactful to say so? + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, Aug 15, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11169 *** |