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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:36:11 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:36:11 -0700 |
| commit | 19c6abf3c2bb7f8b92a7eec16c747390696d8e53 (patch) | |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11177-0.txt b/11177-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ad44d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2010 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11177 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General Job Printers, Blank-Book Manufacturers, Stationers, | + | Wholesale and Retail, Lithographic Printers and Engravers, | + | Copper-Plate Engravers and Printers, Card Manufacturers | + | Envelope Manufacturers, Fine Cut and Color Printers | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 Pearl Street, | + | AND | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 Pine Street, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | ADVANTAGE: All on the same premises and under the | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | AGENTS WANTED | + | | + | To canvas every State, County, and Town in the United | + | States for | + | FIRST-CLASS PUBLICATIONS, | + | Popular in Contents, | + | Artistic in Illustration, | + | Admirable in Style of Manufacture, | + | And Easy to Sell. | + | | + | Special Inducements Offered. | + | | + | Apply to J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN | + | COD-LIVER OIL. | + | | + | "Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any | + | Cod-Liver Oil that patients can digest, owing to the | + | objectionable mode of procuring and preparing the livers.... | + | Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil which is | + | perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be | + | wished."--DR. L.A. SAVRE, before Academy of Medicine. See | + | _Medical Record,_ December, 1869, p. 417. | + | | + | SOLD BY DRUGGISTS. | + | W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO., | + | Sole Agents for the United States and Canada. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +VOL. I. No. 1 + + +PUBLISHED BY THE PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + + +AT THEIR OFFICE, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK + +SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 1870 + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE COLLINS | + | | + | Watch Factory. | + | | + | THE CELEBRATED IMITATION | + | | + | GOLD HUNTING WATCHES. | + | | + | "Collins Metal," (Improved Oroide.) | + | | + | These Justly celebrated Watches have, been so thoroughly | + | tested during the last four years, and their reputation for | + | time and as Imitation of Gold Watches is so well established | + |as to require no recommendations. They retain their color; and| + | each on is fully guaranteed by special certificate. | + | | + | PRICES: | + | HORIZONTAL WATCHES................ $10 | + | FULL-JEWELED PATENT LEVERS......... 15 | + | | + |(Equal in appearance and for time to gold ones costing $150.) | + |Those of extra fine finish, $20. (Equaling a $200 gold watch.)| + |Also, an extra heavy, superbly finished, and splendid watch at| + | $25. This equals in appearance a $250 gold one. All our | + | watches are in hunting cases, Gent's and Ladies' sizes. | + | Chains, $2 to $8. | + | | + | Also, Jewelry of every kind, equal to gold, at one tenth the | + | price. | + | | + | "The goods of C.E. Collins & Co. have invariably given | + | satisfaction."--_N.Y. Times._ | + | | + | "One of the $20 watches is worn in our office, and we have | + | no hesitation in recommending them."--_Pomeroy's Democrat._ | + | | + | | + | TO CLUBS. | + | | + | Where Six Watches are ordered at one time, we send a | + | Seventh Watch free. | + | | + | Goods sent by express to all parts of the United States, to | + | be paid for on delivery. | + | | + | C.E. COLLINS & CO., | + | | + | No. 335 Broadway, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 Liberty Street, New-York. | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent | + | to any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money | + | by calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GUFFROY'S | + | | + | COD-LIVER DRAGEES. | + | | + | SUGAR-COATED PILLS OF COD-LIVER EXTRACT. | + | | + |A perfect substitute for Cod-Liver Oil, more efficacious, more| + |economical, and free from all its disagreeable qualities. Used| + | in English, French, and American hospitals, and highly | + | recommended by the Medical Faculty here and in Europe. | + | | + | Send for a pamphlet, which contains many very emphatic | + | testimonials from eminent physicians who have tried them. | + | | + | Ward, Southerland & Co., | + | | + | 130 William Street, New-York. | + | | + | A box of 240 Dragées, equal to six pints Cod-Liver Oil, $2. | + | Sent by mail on receipt of price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMER, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ART PRINCIPLES. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN DRAWING BOOK, | + | | + | BY J.G. CHAPMAN, N.A. | + | | + | A manual for the Amateur, and Basis of study for the | + | Professional Artist. Adapted for schools and Private | + | Instruction. | + | | + | Price, $6. | + | | + | To be had of dealers, or from the Publishers, by mail | + | post-paid on receipt of price. | + | | + | A.S. BARNES & CO., | + | | + | _111 and 113 William. Street, New-York._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | | + | The first number of which will be issued under date of April | + | 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will | + | endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the | + | country; and to that end has secured a | + | | + | VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS | + | | + | in various sections of the Union, while its columnists will | + | always be open to appropriate first-class literary and | + | artistic talent. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable news-dealers | + | who have the judgement to know a good thing when they see | + | it, or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. | + | Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed | + | him in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by | + | leading artist in the respective specialties. | + | | + | The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM | + | A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, | + | both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications can not be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance.........................$4.00 | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of | + | ten cents. | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper price, $2.50, for.................$5.50 | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper price $4, for.....$7.00 | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | (_For terms to Clubs, see 16th. page._) | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered to members residence for five cents each | + | delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR | + | | + | SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | SYPHER & CO., | + | | + | (SUCCESSORS TO D. MARLEY.) | + | | + | No. 557: Broadway, New-York, | + | | + | MODERN AND ANTIQUE | + | | + | FURNITURE, | + | BRONZES, | + | CHINA, | + | AND | + | | + | ARTICLES OF VERTU. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | American Buttonhole, Overseaming | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 563 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + |improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to all| + | the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + |$60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to| + | manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the market. | + |Machines warranted, and full instruction given to purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | BELMONT HOTEL. | + | | + | J.P. RICHARDS, Proprietor. | + | | + | DINING ROOMS. | + | | + | | + | Rooms 50c., 75c., and $1 per night. | + | | + | 133, 135, and 137 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | DOUGAN, | + | | + | PRACTICAL HATTER, | + | | + | 102 NASSAU STREET, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +PREFACE + +PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. No. 1. + +(Suggestion: "Take care of No. 1.") + +PUNCHINELLO TO THE PUBLIC, GREETING: + +His name, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will not be found a difficult one to +articulate. He flatters himself that it has a smack of grape-juice and +olives about it. It rhymes with "mellow," which naturally brings us to +"good fellow.". On occasions PUNCHINELLO can "bellow," cut a "tremendous +swell," O, and he never throws away a chance of pocketing the "yellow." +He would like to rhyme with "swallow;" but alas! it can not, can not be. + +And yet, in spite of (or perhaps on account of) PUNCHINELLO'S +mellifluous name, much cavil has been brought to bear upon him. (Prepare +to receive cavilry.) + +Squadrons of well-meaning persons with speaking-trumpets marched to and +fro before the sponsors of PUNCHINELLO, each roaring at them to stop +such a name as _that_, and attend to _his_ suggestion, and his only. + +One did not like PUNCHINELLO because it means a "little Punch," and +he--the speaking-trumpeter--liked a great deal; and lo! while he spoke, +he changed his trumpet for several horns. Then he was taken with a fit +of herpetology in his boots, and sank to advise no more. + +Another--a fellow with an infinite fancy for buffo minstrelsy--was +vociferous that PUNCHINELLO should be called "Tommy Dodd." The +discussion upon this lasted for three months; but finally, "Tommy Dodd" +was rejected on account of the superfluously aristocratic aroma that +exhaled from the name. + +Four divisions of men with banners then came by, each division +respectively composed of members of the waning families of Smith, Brown, +Jones, and Robinson, and each division bawled and thundered that the +name round which it rallied should be adopted instead of PUNCHINELLO, on +pain of death. + +And thousands of others came with suggestions of a like sort; for which +some of them wanted "stamps." And when they had all had their say, +PUNCHINELLO was called PUNCHINELLO, and nothing else--a name by which he +means to stand or fall. + +And now to business. PUNCHINELLO is not going to define his position +here. He refrains from boring his readers with prolix gammon about his +foreign and domestic relations. He will content himself (and readers, he +hopes) by briefly mentioning that he has foreign and domestic relations +in every part of the habitable globe, and that they each and all furnish +him with correspondence of the most reliable and spicy character, +regularly and for publication. Among his foreign relations he is happy +to reckon M. MEISSONNIER, the celebrated French artist, to whom he is +indebted for the original painting from which PUNCHINELLO, as he appears +on his own title-page, is taken. + +A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of great +humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress. +PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these +with a light finger. (No allusion, here, to the "light-fingered gentry," +for whom PUNCHINELLO keeps a large grape vine in pickle.) + +PUNCHINELLO observes the incipient tendency to return to specie +payments. To this revival, however, he is not as yet prepared to give +his adhesion, though, on the whole, he considers it preferable to +relapsing fever, which is also noted on 'Change. Cuba shall have her due +share of attention from him. And if She-Cuba, (Queen of the Antilles, +you know,) why not also He-Cuba?--lovely and preposterous woman, who, +from her eagerness to slip on certain habiliments that are masculine, +but shall here be nameless, shall henceforth be appropriately +distinguished by that name. + +Let other important topics take care of themselves. PUNCHINELLO will +only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers +than _habeas corpus_, and that he means to take the gloss off the grim +joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York." + +It is pleasant for PUNCHINELLO to draw the attention of his readers to +the fact that this, his First Number, is dated April 2d--the day after +All Fools' Day. This is cheering; since thus it is manifest that +PUNCHINELLO leaves all the fools and jesters behind, and is, therefore, +first in the race for the crown of comic laurel and the quiver of +satiric shafts. + +And now, by DAN PHOEBUS!--that's the DAN (ah!) that drives the _Sun_, you +know, and is the biggest spot upon it--here we find that we have talked +ourself all the way to DELMONICO'S, and there's CHARLEY on the lookout. + +_Punchinello:_ "Good evening, Mr. DELMONICO; have you any room for us?" + +_Delmonico:_ "You are very welcome, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and your rooms are +quite ready; for we have been expecting you ever so long. Of course, +your staff of artists can be accommodated in our Drawing-room, if you +will permit me to throw off so insignificant a joke." + +_Punchinello:_ "Tut, CHARLES!--'tis a joke of the first water, (first +brandy-and-water, CHARLES.) Cap your joke with another as good, and then +consider yourself on our staff. Lead us to our apartments, CHARLES." + +And so, looking from his pleasant Fifth Avenue windows, PUNCHINELLO +waves a salutation to his audience with a "May you be happy, each and +all of you, and live all your days in clover," (admission ten cents.) + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S NEW CHARTER. + +THE GREAT PLATFORM OF THE RINGS. + + The Lions and the Lambs lie down together, + While the "Sun" stands still. + + +The People of the State of New-York, represented by PUNCHINELLO and his +troop of admirers, hereby enact: + +§ 1. All the offices now provided by law with within the City and County +of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag; + +§ 2. It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of the Central Park to +devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of +poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the +grab-bag. + +§ 3. HORACE GREELEY, PETER COOPER, the Rev. Dr. THOMPSON, DANIEL DREW, +and REDDY THE BLACKSMITH, are hereby constituted Inspectors and +Canvassers for the grabbers. + +§ 4. It shall be the duty of the said inspectors to prepare a +registry-list of all the persons intending to grab, who are required to +serve a notice of intention through the post-office upon REDDY THE +BLACKSMITH, the Chairman. DANIEL DREW is to provide funds wherewith to +pay the postage. + +§ 5. The registry-list shall be alphabetically prepared, and the number +of chances shall be determined by dividing the number of grabbers by the +number of offices. + +§ 6. The grabbers shall be selected by lot. + +§ 7. The lots shall be drawn by REDDY THE BLACKSMITH from his own hat, +his eyes wide open, while every other inspector, and the voters, shall +be blindfolded with newspapers from the files of the _Christian Union_; +whereupon, as the names of the fortunate grabbers are called, each one +shall proceed to the grab-bag and grab his office. + +§ 8. There shall be no repeaters of the process. + +§ 9. The persons thus grabbing offices shall be then and there, by the +Inspectors, declared duly elected to the offices grabbed, for life. + +§ 10. Any vacancy occurring by assassination shall be immediately filled +by the Inspectors appointing the assassin. + +§ 11. Every person owning real estate on the Island shall contribute one +ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following +Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the +Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable +contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided +among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted +to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement. + +§ 12. Owners of real estate in the city of New York are hereby allowed +to make their own arrangements with the gas companies for the supply of +light; but nothing herein shall be construed to devote any part of the +proceeds to light the public streets at night and real estate owners +shall be allowed to make their own arrangements for the supply of water +with the grab income-bents of the Croton Grab Board. + +§ 13. The sewers of the city shall be converted to burial places for +persons assassinated at political meetings. + +§ 14. Nothing herein contained shall be so construed as to permit any +judge to grant an injunction against any grabbers of the offices. + +§ 15. The "dead-beats," heretofore known as policemen and soldiers of +the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall be +a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a +six-shooter. + +§ 16. All provisions of the United States or State constitutions +inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed. + + * * * * * + +From Gertrude of Wyoming. + +Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does not +follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the +women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally +supply the family linen. + + * * * * * + +SURE TO BE LOST AT C.--Signor LEFRANC's voice, if he continues to +recklessly strain it with his chest C. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE FAMILY. + +As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be extended into +all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. Every +other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes, +cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts; and PUNCHINELLO, +intending to offer the most advantages, expects to become so necessary +to the economical housewife and the prudent bread-winner that no family +will be able to do without him. So, with no further prologue, we will +present our readers with some valuable hints in regard to the use that +can be made of things that often lie about the house gathering +dust--idle clutter and of no service to any body. The first hint, we +know, if followed up, will be found of the greatest advantage to all, +yielding great measure of convenience at little cost. Take a wide +board--as wide as you can get it--and as long as it will cut without +cracks or knotholes, and saw the ends off square. Then bore four large +holes in the corners, and insert the ends of four sticks, each about +three feet long. Place it upon the floor, so that the board will be +supported by the sticks, thus: + +[Illustration] + +This contrivance will be found very useful for various purposes. It will +do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any +other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household +objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to +serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. If on such +occasions it be covered with a white linen or cotton cloth, its +appearance will be much improved, and in time it can not fail to become +a favorite article of furniture. + +The next hint will please the ladies. Take two pieces of cotton or +woolen cloth, of any size from two inches to a foot square, and sew them +together at the edges, leaving, however, a small place unsewed at one +corner. You will now find that you have something like a square bag. +This is to be tightly filled with wool, bran, mowings, clippings of +human hair, or something of the kind, and the open corner is then to be +sewed up. When finished, the affair will assume this appearance and will +be found very useful for the preservation of pins. The manner of using +it is as follows: you take the pin in the hand and firmly press it into +the bag, when it will be found that the body of the pin will easily +enter, but that the head will prevent its entire disappearance. The +stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight +degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious +little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always +hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more +economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the +pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. The top and +corners can be ornamented _à discrétion_. + +[Illustration] + +Hint the third is especially addressed to country families. Take one of +the ordinary toilet-tables that are to be found in so many rural +habitations, and, on removing the white cover, you will probably find +that the table is formed of an empty flour-barrel with a board nailed on +top of it. Remove this board; get a head from another barrel of the same +size; place it properly upon the top; put some good hoops around the +ends, nail it all up tightly, and you will find that you will have a +very good barrel. + + * * * * * + +Founded upon Fact. + +Why is BRENTANO like a hardware man? + +Because he keeps _Tomahawks_ for sale. + + * * * * * + +Definition by an Envious Wood-Engraver. + +ZINCALI--Artists who draw on zinc plates. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN AGGRAVATED CASE. + +_Man with Muffler_. "IT ISN'T THE FACT OF THE SORE THROAT I MIND SO MUCH +AS THE SUSPICION THAT I CAUGHT IT FROM THAT BEASTLY SNOB, BURLAPS, WHO +OCCUPIES THE ROOMS OPPOSITE."] + + * * * * * + +Truly Noble. + +We have been requested to publish the following letter: + +NEW-YORK, March 1, 1870. + +TO THE PATRIOTS HAVING CHARGE OF THE MONUMENT TO VICTOR NOIR: + +GENTLEMEN: I honor the brave! I am of America, American! I import from +bleeding France her brandy, her champagne, her claret, her olives, and +her sardines. I dispose of them at 1108 Lispenard street, New-York, +where my peculiar facilities enable me to offer unusual inducements to +the trade! I am with you and against tyrants! _Vive la freedom!_ I +inclose seven francs as a contribution to the monument! D.E.D. BEHTE. + + * * * * * + +Perennius Ære. + +In view of the recent long and luminous discourse by a distinguished +United States Senator upon the subject of the funding bill, it is +respectfully suggested that a part of the amount to be saved to the +nation by this financial scheme shall be devoted to the erection of a +"palace lifting to eternal SUMNER!" + + * * * * * + +A Question for Ben Butler's Nurse. + +Was the honorable member from Massachusetts _really_ born with a silver +spoon in his _mouth_? + + * * * * * + +The Witch and the Switch. + +Fashionable women are like the conventional school-mistress--they +believe in the switch. + + * * * * * + +Naughty. + +When did the people send a cipher to the State Senate? When they sent +NORT-on there. + + * * * * * + +THE MARINER'S WRONGS. + +Within the memories of men who are not yet old, the sailor was always +looked upon and talked about as "a jolly dog." There was a glamour of +romance about him when he was at sea, and "JACK ashore" was for ages +held up as the presentment of all that was happy, and contented, and +free from care. His hardest duty was supposed to be shinning up the +ratlin to "reef," or "brail up," or "splice the mainbrace," or do some +other of those mysterious things that caused him to look so mythical to +the minds of land-lubbers and the simple-hearted kind of women that used +to be, but now no longer are. His lighter hours (about eighteen out of +the twenty-four) were passed in terpsichorean performances on the +"fo'k'sl," and were so fascinating to the shorey mind that music was +specially composed for them, and the "Sailor's Hornpipe" is one of the +scourges inflicted upon mortals, for their sins, by barrel-organists at +the present day. Grog was dealt out to him by the gallon, and, as for +"backy," the light-hearted fellow was never allowed to suffer for want +of _that_; so that his happiness may be said to have been complete. + +Things are sadly changed, now, with regard to poor JACK. Every day we +read of outrageous assaults upon him with marline-spikes and other +perverted marine stores, by brutal skippers and flagitious mates, whose +proper end would be the yard-arm and the rope's end. All belaying-pin +and no pay has made JACK a dull boy. His windpipe refuses to furnish the +whilom exhilarating tooraloo for his hornpipe. Silent are the "yarns" +with which he used to while away the time when off his watch and +huddling under the lee of the capstan with his messmates. And then, when +he comes ashore, it is only to be devoured by the sharks that lie in +wait for him and drag him away bodily to their obscene "boarding-house" +dens. + +Once on a time JACK, when in dock, used to make holiday of it on Sunday. +He looked as gay as a tobacconist's sign when rigged out in his best +blue for a lark ashore, where he was occasionally to be seen on +horseback with a row of his jovial messmates, all of them sitting with +their backs to the horse's head, and the sternmost of them steering the +bewildered animal by his tail. Now there seems to be a movement to cut +off from JACK even the holiday to which he is surely entitled. The +captain of a bark, lying at San Francisco, has lately stopped wages, to +the amount of sixty-five dollars, from a seaman, because the latter +refused to assist in discharging cargo on Sunday. Blue has, in one +sense, always been JACK's favorite color; but if this sort of thing goes +on much further, he must become bluer than ever, and his cheerless +condition will be such that he will not have a cheer left to shake the +welkin with when he helps to man the yards. + + * * * * * + +Postal. + +Frankly speaking, can Senator REVEL's letters be called _Blackmail_? + + * * * * * + +Propagandism. + +Ancient Rome was saved by a proper goose; modern Rome by a proper +gander. + + * * * * * + +The Sheriff's party tell us that they are always "watch"ful in the +interest of the tax-payers. So they should be, for don't they own the +most "repeaters"? + + * * * * * + +The Plays and Shows. + +HAMLET--WITH A YELLOW WIG. + +The poet--his name is of no consequence--has defined the evening as + +"The close of the day when the HAMLET is still." + +Evidently he was a bucolic, and not a metropolitan poet. Otherwise he +would have remembered that the close of the day, or, to speak with +mathematical accuracy, the hour of eight P.M., is precisely the time +when the HAMLET of a well-regulated theatrical community begins to make +himself vocally prominent. A few nights since, we had no less than three +HAMLETS propounding at the same time the unnecessary question, whether +to be or not to be is the correct thing. The serious HAMLET of the eagle +eye, and the burlesque HAMLET of the vulpine nose, are with us yet; but +the rival of the latter, the HAMLET of the taurine neck, has gone to +Boston, where his wiggish peculiarity will he better appreciated than it +was in this Democratic city. + +The late Mr. WEGG prided himself upon being a literary man--with a +wooden leg. Mr. FECHTER aspires to be a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Mr. +WEGG had this advantage over Mr. FECHTER, that his literary ability did +not wholly depend upon his ligneous leg. Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET, on the +contrary, owes its existence solely to his wig. The key to his +popularity must he sought in his yellow locks. + +There are, it is true, meritorious points in Mr. FECHTER'S Dane. One is +his skill in fencing; another, the fact that he finally suffers himself +to be killed. Unfortunately, this latter redeeming incident takes place +only in the last scene of the play, and the Fat Prince has therefore +abundant previous opportunity to mar the superb acting of Miss LECLERCQ. +Why this admirable artist did not insist that her OPHELIA should receive +a better support than was furnished by Messrs. BANGS, LEVICK, and +FECHTER, at Niblo's Garden, is an insoluble mystery. She must have +perceived the absurdity of drowning herself for a Prince--fair, fat, and +faulty--who refused to give her a share of his "loaf," and denied, with +an evident eye to a possible breach of promise suit, that he had given +her any "bresents." + +That Mr. FECHTER speaks English imperfectly is, however, the least of +his defects. If he could not speak at all, his audience would have +reason for self-congratulation. We might, too, forget that he is an +obese, round-shouldered, short-necked, and eminently beery HAMLET, with +a tendency to speak through his nose. But how can we overlook his +incapacity to express the subtle changes of HAMLET'S ever questioning +mind? One of his admirers has recently quoted RUSKIN in his support. MR. +FECHTER gives no heed to RUSKIN'S axiom, that all true art is delicate +art. There is no delicacy in his conception of HAMLET. True, he is +impulsive and sensitive; but this is due to his physical and not to his +mental organization. A HAMLET without delicacy is quite as intolerable a +spectacle as a _Grande Duchesse_ without decency. + +What, then, has given him his reputation? The answer is evident;--His +yellow wig. NAPOLEON gilded the dome of the _Invalides_, and the +Parisians forgot to murmur at the arbitrary acts of his reign. Mr. +FECHTER crowns himself with a golden wig, and the public forgets to +murmur at the five acts of his HAMLET. + +In all other respects Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET is inferior to that of his +rival Mr. FOX. It is not nearly as funny, and it is much less +impressive. Both actors are wrong, however, in not omitting the +graveyard scene. To make a burlesque of Death is to unlawfully invade +the province of Messrs. BEECHER and FROTHINGHAM. + +The popularity of Mr. FECHTER is only a new proof of the potency of +yellow hair. It is the yellow hair of the British blonde, joined to that +kindliness of disposition with which--like a personification of +Charity--she "bareth all things," that makes her a thing of beauty in +the eyes of R.G.W., and a joy for as many seasons as her hair will keep +its color. It is because Mr. FECHTER decided that the hair presumptive +of the Royal Dane must have been yellow, that his name has grown famous +in England. + +The veracious chronicler relates that, on one occasion, Mr. VENUS +deprived his literary friend with a wooden leg of that useful appendage. +But that act of constructive mayhem did not destroy Mr. WEGG'S literary +reputation. Can MR. FECHTER'S HAMLET endure an analogous test? If he has +confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a +change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of +hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET +with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than simply +a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Until then we shall be constrained to class +him with the other blonde burlesquers. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +WHAT THE PRESS IS EXPECTED TO SAY OF US. + + +There is no trash in this paper.--_Literary Standard_. + +PUNCHINELLO is a perfect beauty, and good as beautiful.--_Moralist_. + +--a most suitable companion for our walks and meditations.--_Casuist_. + +PUNCHINELLO pays beautifully.--_Cash Account_. + +--just the thing for our mothers-in-law.--_Domestic-Hearth_. + +--its wisdom and learning are equally remarkable.--_College Club_. + +PUNCHINELLO deserves to be styled A Brick.--_Midnight Male_. + +--the most irreproachable thing going; and every man who does not buy a +copy for himself, every week, and another for his wife, with one for +each of his children, is a brute.--_Plain Speaker_. + +--bully.--_Western Grazier_. + +--knows beans.--_Horticulturist_. + +--up to snuff.--_Market Reporter_. + +--cock of the walk.--_Prairie Chicken_. + +--perfectly lovely.--_Ladies' Voice_. + +--read it, try to parse it, and then set it to music and sing +it.--_Yankee Teacher_. + +--the thing we dreamed of, longed for, sighed for, and paid +for.--_Public at Large_. + + * * * * * + +A Walking Fish. + +The Walk in life of Mr. Secretary of State FISH, considering him as a +private individual, has hitherto been irreproachable. Nevertheless, his +walk might be much improved by President GRANT, if the latter would only +teach him to Walk Spanish. + + * * * * * + +"Hole-in-the-Day." + +It is stated, though on what authority we are unable to say, that the +Philadelphia _Day_ is printed on straw paper made from the surplus +straw-hats that formed an item of a notorious government contract +negotiated during the war. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MESMERISM IN WALL STREET. + +_First Lady Broker, (entrancing subject.)_ "THERE, I'VE GOT HIM TO THE +POINT NOW. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, QUICK." + +_Commodore V-nd-rb-lt, (murmurs.)_ "SELL ME ONE THOUSAND SHARES +CENTRAL." + +_Second Lady Broker._ "BOOKED!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF CAPTAIN EYRE, + +OF THE PACIFIC AND ORIENTAL STEAMSHIP "BOMBAY." + + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed, + When I sailed; + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed; + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, a true British snob, I swear, + Who for Yankees didn't care, as I sailed. + + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed, + Ere I sailed; + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed; + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, that JOHN BULL his fingers snaps + At the "cussed Yankee chaps," ere I sailed. + + So I steered across the seas, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + I steered across the seas, as I sailed; + I steered across the seas, and swilled my hale at hease; + I was master, "if you please," as I sailed. + + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed; + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, and wore her colors too, + Like a British sailor true, as I sailed. + + Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed; + Off the shore of far Japan, I a Yankee ship did scan, + That with helm a-starboard ran, as I sailed. + + A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed; + A curse rose to my lip as on the Yankee ship + Through the darkness I did slip, as I sailed. + + And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed; + Ay, I ran the Yankee down, and I left the dogs to drown, + While to Yokohama town on I sailed. + + They say they showed a light, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + They say they showed a light, as I sailed; + They say they showed a light, to tell their hopeless plight, + But "I served them bloody right," as I sailed! + + For my name is Captain EYRE, as I sail, + As I sail; + My name is Captain EYRE, as I sail; + For my name is Captain EYRE, and it's d-----d absurd, I swear, + That for Yankees I should care, as I sail! + + * * * * * + +"Arcades Ambo." + +As there seem to be some disorganizing elements just now at work in the +ancient and honorable order of the Knights of Pythias, might it not be +well for them to compromise by a fraternal secession of the discontented +spirits, who could form a kindred order under the title of the Deys of +Damon? + + * * * * * + +USEFUL MATERIAL FOR FANCY CLOG-DANCERS--Sandal-wood. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: + +March 4, 1869. +A GIANT AMONG THE PIGMIES. + +March 4, 1870. +A PIGMY AMONG THE GIANTS.] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET. + +That it is not PUNCHINELLO'S intention to overlook Wall street, may be +absolutely taken at par. To look over Wall street is quite another +matter, and P. knows how to do it to a T. Many a time at midnight, from +his perch on the tip of the spire of Old Trinity, (a tip-top point from +which to look over Wall street--you see the point?) has PUNCHINELLO +beheld the ghosts of dead speculations floating hopelessly through the +murky air. It could not be said of them that there was "no speculation +in those eyes." The ghost of a dead speculation was never so utterly +damned, the eyes of a ghost of a dead speculation were never so +absolutely dimmed, but that speculation of some kind might be discerned +fluttering like a mummy-cloth from the shadowy outline of the former, +and gleaming feebly from the gloomy goggles of the latter. Gleam on, +poor ghosts! Goggle while you may, and gibber. PUNCHINELLO watches you +with interest, (25 per cent.,) as you are weighed down to the very dirt +of The Street by the night-fog of Despair, flapping your wings on a very +small "margin," as if attempting vainly to "operate for a rise." Go +down, poor ghosts; repair to your incandescent place below, for there is +no hope for you. As we sit here upon our spire, we can not say to you, +_Dum spiramus speramus_. Alas! no. We would like to do so, of course; +but our sense of truth revolts against the enunciation of such a +taradiddle. + +Soon after daylight has been fully turned on, it is the wont of +PUNCHINELLO to descend from his perch on the church, (rhyme,) and roam +waywardly and invisibly among the denizens who occupy the dens of The +Street. He knows all the ins and outs of the place, and has long been +disgustingly familiar with its ups and downs. Gently has he dabbled in +stocks, and no modern operator is half so conversant an he is with the +juggles of the Stock Exchange. PUNCHINELLO, though as fresh and frisky, +in mind and body, as a kid on a June morning, is older than he chooses +to let every body know. Bless you all, readers dear! he was by when the +Tulip Mania was hatched, (mixed figure,) and it was he who punctured the +great South Sea Bubble, and sent it on a burst. Ha! ha! he-e-e!--how he +laughs when he recurs to those days of the long, long ago, with their +miserable little swindles, no better than farthing candles, (allowable +rhyme,) and their puny dodges devised for flagellating LUCIFER round a +stump. + +Just think of a lot of fellows pretending to play at Tulipmaniacs +bolting Bubble-and-squeak, and not a jockey among them all had ever +heard of "puts" and "calls." Deuce a one of them know a "corner" from a +cockatrice's egg, and if you had mentioned a "scoop" to the most +intelligent of them, he'd have sworn that you had been and gone and +swallowed a Scandinavian dictionary. (N.B. In this application the nave +in Scandinavian might properly be spelt with a k.) Ah! yes, yes: +What-d'ye-call him was wide-awake when he remarked to Thingumbob that +"the world _does move_." + +How strong the contrast to PUNCHINELLO as he glides, invisible, to and +fro among the bulls and bears on 'Change, observing the "modern +instances" of their improved manner of doing business, and taking all +their devices into the corner of his brightest eye! (The only safe +"corner" _he_ knows of on The Street.) How he chuckles as he observes +the ways of 'em--sees a bear selling that which he hasn't, and a bull +buying that which he doesn't want--all "on a margin" and to "settle +regular," of course. Bless you! children of the modern Mammon. Go in and +win, or lose if you find it more exciting. Learn to control finances, if +you would fain grow to be good men and contribute hereafter good men to +the taxable population. Proceed with your virtuous transactions on +'Change. Never mind each other's toes; they who have corns must not care +for being cornered. (Meant playfully.) Inflate the market with your +heavy purchases. Blow the market, and "corner the shorts." Be a "bear," +if you will; and when you play at "bull," remember the frog in the +fable, who would be an ox, and went on inflating until he burst. + +You bloated stockmonger there, with your hands in your pockets and your +eye on the mean chance, what care you how much capital is represented by +certificates issued? "That's played out," you say? You know it is, you +slimy salamander, and so does PUNCHINELLO. You know that by the use of +convertible bonds capital can be increased or diminished _ad infinitum_. +Loan your millions to Erie, to save it from destruction or the Sheriff, +(synonymous terms,) and you will derive sweet consolation from the +consciousness of your power to add or diminish at will. + +Look at the "Great Waterer." When he chose to "snake away" Erie from its +friends, and make it tributary to New-York Central, the printing-press +was at work--a fact which he did not discover until he had paid out ten +millions. Then the foreigners purchased ream after ream of certificates +to control Erie, and to-day their stock is declared not worth a row of +pins, owing to the piles of money swallowed by the afflictive suits on +the stamped certificates. + +Observe SNIGGER and SNAGGER, too; mark the goings and comings of these +partners in business and iniquity. How regularly they have kept swearing +that their business never paid, and yet their dividends always increased +when they wished to distribute their stock. + +And here is one who--more audacious, far, than King CANUTE of old--would +control even the ocean. This man starts a Pacific Mail with a capital of +ten millions, increases the amount to twenty millions, and swears it is +worth thirty. Then he "puts his foot in it" and shows the knave in his +deal, (dealings--jocular,) by selling the stock at thirty-five. + +This from PUNCHINELLO, as he looks over The Street--and through it--from +his lofty pinnacle. Don't strain your precious eyes and necks in +fruitless endeavors to discover him there, since he can make himself +invisible at will. But listen, ye men of The Street, with all your ears, +(Erie,) and you will hear a solemn chant like unto that of the _muezzin_ +from the minaret. 'Tis the voice of PUNCHINELLO wafting sonorously from +his tower the instructive moral-- + + "Whoe'er sells stocks as isn't his'n, + Must pay up or go to pris'n." + + * * * * * + +A New Conglomerate Pavement. + +It was well said by a saucy Frenchman, "that England had fifty religions +but only one sauce." Paraphrasing this loosely, we may say of New-York, +that she has a dozen different pavements and deuce a good one. There was +the "Russ," on which the horses used to be "let slide," but couldn't +trot; the "Belgian," of dubious repute; the "Nicholson," which, from its +material, must have been invented by "Nick of the Woods;" the +"Mouse-trap," set to catch other things than mice; the "Fiske," a +pavement pitched in altogether too high a key to be pleasant; The +"Stafford," the "Stow," and several others which it would be painful to +enumerate here. Why doesn't the daily press look lively, and devise a +better pavement than any of these? There's STONE, of the _Journal of +Commerce_; WOOD, of the _News_; MARBLE, of the _World_; and BRICK, of +the _Democrat_. Let them put their heads together and give us a good +conglomerate. + + * * * * * + +A Hopeful Anticipation. + +Now that the darkeys are about to take part in national legislation, we +shall probably be able to negrotiate a postal treaty with France. + + * * * * * + +On one Drowned. + +He left a large circle, etc.! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHY WITH CUBA. + +_Enthusiastic Sympathizer._ "What I say is, we _must_ have our cigars; +and _therefore_, Cuba _must_ be ours."] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S LYRICS. + +No. 1. + + Ho! I am the jolly repeater, + And I train with the magical band, + Who the legerdemain of the ballot + With the skill of a wizard command. + + Once a year every poll I explore, + Honest voting is Greenland to me; + Free suffrage is ever my motto, + To my amnesty judges agree. + + The trickster inspector I loathe, sir! + Or the canvasser's pencils that thieve; + Voting early and often is nobler + Than ballots to change from one's sleeve. + + No eight hours' labor I ask for, + Votes from sunrise to sunset I cast; + They are bread on political waters, + And my sinecures follow them fast. + + WILLIAM B. and his millionaire crew + Will only vote once, sir; while I + (Who to scorn laugh the honest assessors) + Plump a score to their one--on the sly! + + Who asks for my name? I repeat it-- + Ho! the jolly repeater am I; + Each book of the registry knows me, + And I'm now in the market--Who'll buy? + +(The above may be sung _da capo_, which is Italian for "repeat.") + + * * * * * + +Music and Morals in Chicago. + +The _Marriage of Figaro_ did not interest the Chicago people when it was +produced in that peculiar city. Had it been called the "Divorce of +Figaro," it would have aroused their warmest admiration. + + * * * * * + +MR. GREELEY'S AIDS TO LITERARY EFFORT. + +On the general principle that "no one is a hero to his valet," not even +a valetudinarian, it may be safely asserted that the divinity that doth +hedge most great writers is lost the moment their admirers become +acquainted with their habits of thought and methods of composition. The +popular delusion that H.G. "knows every thing" is calculated to work +indefinite injury to some modest men who are supposed to "know +something." GREELEY'S mind, like a _camera obscura_, may be said to +retain its impressions while in the dark, and to lose them when exposed +to the light. He has never, to any extent, heeded the scriptural +injunction against walking in darkness, which explains why so many +_Tribune_ readers are in the dark concerning the truth and justice of +popular questions. Consequently, as in the case of other great men, when +GREELEY'S mind becomes pregnant with a theme, moved to pity by the +neglected education and limited mental resources of many of his readers, +he repairs to one of his numerous literary lairs, and ransacks the pages +of the Past for plunder befitting his pen and party. When he is about to +write an editorial article on Protection, he invariably prepares his +mind by reading several chapters on the "Manly Art of Self-Defense," +which accounts for the wisdom and brilliancy displayed by him on the +subject of tariffs. In order to approach a discussion of the subject of +vegetarianism without prejudice, H.G. repairs to the wheezy WINDUST'S, +where, for hours at a time, he literally "crams" with his favorite dish +of pork and beans. The Amelioration of the condition of the Working +Classes is another favorite theme with GREELEY, and, in order to discuss +clearly and cogently the many phases and ramifications of this lively +and exciting topic, he devotes several hours to the study of "Idleness +as a Fine Art." Before writing a particularly funny or spirited article +upon Politics, the Fine Arts, or the Drama, H.G., it is said, may be +seen for several hours at the Astor Library, poring over BURTON'S +_Anatomy of Melancholy_. While in the throes of literary labor upon _The +Great Conflict_, he had numerous dogmatic discussions with Mr. KIT +BURNS, participated in several flights of the "fancy" to the +bird-battling haunts of New Jersey, and even pursued the ministers of +muscle to the scene of their bucolic pastimes in the P.R. It is, +perhaps, unnecessary to remark that Mr. GREELEY'S _Recollections of a +Busy Life_ were inspired almost directly by frequent collusion with the +pages of DE QUINCEY and COLERIDGE, whose wild lives and turbulent +experiences possess a peculiar charm for the Triton of the _Tribune_. +When Mr. GREELEY wishes to write against capital punishment--which he +does about every time the moon changes--he naturally turns over a few +pages of _Thirty Years in Washington_. When he purposes to tempt the +bounding bean of the kitchen garden of Chappaqua, or humble the hopeful +harrow of agriculture, he may be found either at the Italian Opera, +serenely sleeping under the soporific strains of _Sonnambula_, or at the +Circus, benignly blinking at the agglomerating Arabs. The inspiration +for that thrilling story in real life, entitled, _What I Know about +Farming_, is said to have been received almost wholly from the state of +somnolency induced by that clever clairvoyant, the Rev. Dr. CHAPIN. A +curious notion exists in the minds of a few ignorant persons, to the +effect that Mr. GREELEY vexes his mellow mind for essays on the +temperance question with frequent and numerous imbibitions of "soda +straight;" but it is high time that this popular error was exploded. All +who have seen Mr. GREELEY in the bar-room of a certain city hotel, +dashing down brandy or pouring down whisky, and have next morning +perused a Tribune editorial on "The Evils of Intemperance," need not be +reminded of the chief source of H.G.'s animated style and vigorous +diction. An extended walk along the beautiful avenues of the city, or a +drive through Central Park, invariably prepares Mr. GREELEY's mind for +the birth of an article on the advantages to young men of leaving the +metropolis and seeking homes in the West. Some months ago, Mr. GREELEY +purchased a small, select library, which contains, among other choice +works, the sweet pastoral productions of SYLVANUS COBB, Jr.; the quaint +and exhilarating narratives of EUGENE SUE; the wholesome and harmless +fictions of NED BUNTLINE, together with the complete poetical works of +MARTIN FARQUHAR TUPPER, and it was from the perusal of these comforting +and pellucid contributions to American literature that Mr. GREELEY +caught the spirit and the style which distinguish his thrilling work on +Political Economy. But something too much of this. We would not embitter +the life of Mr. GREELEY, at present, by any farther revelations, and +therefore we let the subject drop. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +At the opening, Senator SUMNER rose to a personal explanation. In fact, +he always does. He said that General PRIM had disowned having had any +thing to do with him upon the Cuban question. General PRIM was perfectly +correct. (Applause.) He did not know much about the Cuban question; but +he flattered himself that he was familiar with the gurreat purrinciples +of Eternal Justice, and he intended to apply them to the solution of all +our political problems. He said that Lord COKE had justly and eloquently +observed _de minimis non curat lex._ He thought this would apply to our +relations with the Island, where, although the sugar-cane lifts its +lofty top and the woodbine twineth, the accursed spirit of caste still +prevails. He begged to bring to the attention of the Senate and the +country the amended lines of the sacred poet: + + "What though the spicy breezes + Blow soft o'er Cuba's isle; + Though every prospect pleases, + And only man is vile?" + +The Senate would say with CICERO, _de non apparentious et non +existentibus, eadem est ratio_, and they would remember with reference +to the revolutionists of Cuba the great saying of Lord BACON, "Put a +beggar on horseback, and he will go to the Senate from Massachusetts." +Whatever the issue of the Cuban contest might be, he could lay his hand +upon his heart, and say with the Mantuan bard, "_Homo sum_." or, in the +language of our own Shakespeare, that which we call a rose by any other +name would smell as sweet. These were all the sentiments he could find +in his library which bore directly upon this subject. + +Senator SUMNER then introduced a bill to provide for the resumption of +specie payments. The bill sets forth that it shall hereafter be a felony +for any person to make tender of any thing other than gold and silver to +any person of African descent, in any of the States lately in rebellion. +In moving the bill, the senator said that its passage was imperatively +demanded by several negroes whom he knew, and that he would not consent +to deliver these helpless persons into the hands of their late masters +without some such guarantee as this bill furnished. He quoted from +ARISTOTLE, LOCKE, and BURKE to prove that classes liable to oppression +were apt to be oppressed. + +Senator TRUMBULL wished to know what that had to do with the resumption +of specie payments. + +Senator SUMNER considered the inquiry impertinent. The great principles +of justice were always in order. + +Senator GARRET DAVIS took the floor, and made a neat speech of three +days and a half in opposition to the bill. He said he was a Democrat, +and he always had been a Democrat. The founders of the republic would +weep if they could see what the government had come to. What would CLAY +and CALHOUN have said to seeing such men as his honorable friend from +Nevada (Mr. NYE) and himself in the Senate? If he might be permitted to +infringe upon the domain of the senator from Massachusetts, he would +quote Shakspeare, "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between +heaven and earth?" (Loud applause.) At the close of Mr. DAVIS'S speech +his friends came in from WELCKER'S, and congratulated him on having got +through. Exhausted nature made the Senate adjourn. + + +HOUSE. + +After some general sparring, of which a set to between Mr. GARFIELD and +Mr. HAIGHT formed the most conspicuous feature, the cadetship question +came up. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he never had sold any cadetships. +Mr. LOGAN wished to know who said he had. Mr. VOORHEES remarked that Mr. +LOGAN was another. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he had appointed the son +of a constituent, and that subsequently to the appointment he had taken +a drink at the expense and the request of the constituent. He always +took his straight, and the cost to his constituent was only fifteen +cents. Which one of his colleagues would have acted otherwise? (Voices, +"Not one.") + +Mr. BUTLER denounced the course of Mr. VOORHEES. For his part, he saw no +impropriety in selling cadetships or any thing else. What do gentlemen +suppose that cadetships exist for, if it is not for the emolument of +congressmen? He considered his patronage as a part of his perquisites. +This had been the guiding principle of his life, alike in his military +and his political career. He considered the action of Mr. VOORHEES to be +an act of deliberate treachery to this House. If he accepted a pitiful +drink in return for his official influence, he was guilty of a gross +offense in cheapening the price of patronage. A cadetship was worth $500 +if it was worth a cent. If, on the other hand, he gave his cadetship +away, his conduct was even more culpable; for other congressmen might be +weak enough to follow his baleful example, and the market would be +broken down. He advocated the formation of a Congressional Labor Union +to determine the value of these appointments, and to expel all members +who took less than the standard rate. This was what was done in other +branches of business, and if his colleagues wished to be like him, the +little busy B.F.B., and improve each shining hour, this is what they +would do. + +And then the House adjourned. + + * * * * * + +READY-MADE EPITAPHS. + +On a Departed Clown. + +Though lost to sight, to mummery dear. + +On a Faithful Book-keeper. + +Posted up. + + * * * * * + +Wring the Belles. + +American belles ought to make good housewives, because they put up with +little or no waist. + + * * * * * + +To whom it may Concern. + +Persons who take music by the wholesale are informed that they can +procure it of the street organ-grinders, who dispose of it by the +Barrel. + + * * * * * + +Voice in the Air. + +"What is honor? Air."--Sir JOHN FALSTAFF. + +"What is dishonor? EYRE."--Every body. + + * * * * * + +The "Cumming" Man. + +The "sensation" editor of the _Sun_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BLAG YER BOOTS, MISTER!"] + + * * * * * + +A Huge Sell. + +The appointing to cadetships at West-Point. + + * * * * * + +The Most Religious Editor in New-York. + +C.A. DANA--because every week-day is observed as a _"Sun"_ day by him. + + * * * * * + +A Good General Idea. + +A neat practical joke was that perpetrated by one of our contributors, +who, having been requested to bring us "something pat," walked into our +office a day or two after with a couple of Fenian generals in tow. + + * * * * * + +A Happy Thought. + +The Elevated Railway is worked by means of what is known to engineers as +an "endless rope." Might it not be well to work the murderers and +robbers of New-York on the same principle? + + * * * * * + +Abnormal. + +One of the strangest anomalies in color known is to be observed at +Mobile and other places on the Southern coast, where black men are +frequently Bay pilots. + + * * * * * + +KING OAKEY THE FIRST, OF IRELAND. + +BY ALDERMAN ROONEY. + + HOORAH! the dawn begins to break, + Ould Ireland's sons at last awake, + And from their sowls the shackles shake + That long have kept them under. + Arise, then, brave Phoenicians all, + Obey your noble gineral's call; + From off the steps of City Hall + You hear his voice of thunder! + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + To take ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Go rowl the news across the say, + Of how we spint the glorious day, + A hundred thousand on Broadway, + And more upon the Island. + Go tell the lords in Parlamint, + Of how Saint PATRICK'S day was spint, + And see if they don't reduce the rint + On every fut of dry land. + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + To take ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Go tell them how you raised the flag, + The green above their crimson rag, + And should they talk of Yankee brag, + We'll tache them how to rue it. + Go tell them how all day you stud, + Wid both your nate feet in the mud, + As if it had been Saxon blood + And you wor fightin' thro' it! + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + Who've tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man. + And make you King of Ireland! + + Your innimies say you're not sincere, + Nor care a straw for Irish here, + Unless whin 'lection time is near, + And Irish votes are wanted. + But don't you throuble yourself at all, + We'll drive your innimies to the wall; + We know you better, OAKEY HALL, + Than take sich stuff for granted. + + No! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + Who've tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + They say you want to be Mayor once more, + And after that, to be Governore-- + As if you wouldn't be needed before, + To lade the Faynians over. + And they say you raise this hullabaloo, + 'Bout Ireland's wrongs, and Cuba's too, + That Irish fools might cotton to you, + And you might sit in clover. + + But no! for OAKEY, you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Oh! no; we are not so aisy schooled, + By slanders bought wid Saxon goold; + They'll find, who think us so aisy fooled, + How much they underrate us. + Then up, mavrone! and take your stand, + The layder of the Faynian band, + And King you'll soon be of the land + Of shamrogues and potatoes! + + Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland. + + So, good Saint PATRICK, bless the day + Whin Gineral HALL will march away, + Across the deep and briny say, + My country's bonds to sever; + And bless him whin he goes ashore. + And whin he walks in British gore, + And whin he's Ireland's King asthore, + Oh! may he live forever. + + Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + An' you'll be King of all her lan', + King OAKEY First, of Ireland. + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE MAKING | + | | + | GREAT REDUCTIONS | + | | + | In the Prices of the Goods | + | | + | IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS | + | | + | OF THEIR | + | | + | Retail Establishment, | + | | + | NAMELY, | + | | + | Silks, Satins, Velvets, Dress Goods, | + | Laces, Embroideries, Real | + | India Camel's Hair Shawls, | + | | + | Ladies', Misses', and Children's | + | Walking-Suits, Reception-Dresses, | + | Morning-Robes, Undergarments. | + | Infants' Wardrobes, | + | | + | Gentlemen's Furnishing Goods of every | + | Description, | + | | + | Housekeeping and House-furnishing | + | Goods, Linens, Sheetings, Damasks, | + | Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins, | + | Towels, Towelings, | + | Blankets, Flannels, | + | Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats, | + | Rugs, English and American | + | Oil-Cloths, | + | | + | Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles, | + | Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured | + | Cotelaines, Striped Reps, | + | Furniture Chintzes, | + | | + | Etc., Etc., Etc., | + | | + | _AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES._ | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Avenue and Tenth Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The cleverest novel of the season."--_Baltimore Gazette._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | _Nos. 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,_ | + | | + | HAVE NOW READY | + | | + | _A New Edition_ | + | | + | OF | + | | + | Red as a Rose is She. | + | | + | By the author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | _From the Boston Traveller._ | + | | + | "After reading such a work, one can no more read an ordinary | + | book than one could enjoy a lunch on dry bread immediately | + | after having dined on Curry and Chili, washed down with | + | burnt brandy." | + | | + | _From the Baltimore Gazette._ | + | | + | "The cleverest novel of the season. The characters are few, | + | but remarkably well drawn; the dialogue fresh, crisp, and | + | sparkling, and the incidents thoroughly natural." | + | | + | _From the Cincinnati Chronicle._ | + | | + | "There is a singular freshness about this novel, often a | + | quaint originality of expression, always a smooth rippling | + | of words not without ideas, of seed thoughts, many of which | + | are well worth cherishing, and which may germinate and grow | + | in the reader's mind long after he has forgotten that 'Red | + | as a Rose is She,' and has ceased to wonder as to who is the | + | author who has so pleasantly entertained him." | + | | + | | + | D. Appleton & Co. | + | | + | PUBLISH, BY THE SAME AUTHOR, | + | | + | _COMETH UP AS A FLOWER._ | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents. | + | | + | _NOT WISELY BUT TOO WELL._ | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents. | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | _Third Edition._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, | + | | + | Have now ready the Third Edition of | + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | From the New-York _Evening Express_. | + | | + | "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | + | breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | + | | + | From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | + | | + | "The author can and does write well, the descriptions of | + | scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and | + | never overstrained." | + | | + | D.A. & Co. have just published: | + | | + | A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, | + | ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | + | | + | By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS | + | ORDERS, WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE | + | MOST INTERESTING. | + | | + | By Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. | + | 8vo, $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND | + | CONSEQUENCES. | + | | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | | + | I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | | + | IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | + | | + | Price, 50 cents each. | + | | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _An Absolutely Pure Article._ | + | | + | | + | | + | THE | + | | + | KNICKERBOCKER | + | | + | Gin Company's | + | | + | WORLD-RENOWNED | + | | + | Double Distilled | + | | + | B. & V.'s "ANCHOR" BRAND | + | | + | OF | + | | + | PURE | + | | + | HOLLAND GIN, | + | | + | FROM THEIR OWN DISTILLERY AT | + | | + | LEIDEN, NEAR SCHIEDAM, HOLLAND. | + | | + | | + | This brand of liquor has obtained a great reputation, not | + | only in Holland but throughout Europe, where it has been | + | tested | + | | + | IN THE MOST CELEBRATED | + | | + | Chemical Institutions. | + | | + | | + | _MILLIONS OF GALLONS_ | + | | + | Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to | + | the | + | | + | EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND AFRICA, | + | | + | Where it is used | + | | + | In Preference to any other Brand known. | + | | + | | + | Orders will be received at their office, | + | | + | No. 15 William Street, | + | | + | For the above, and also for their other importations of | + | | + | WINES, | + | | + | BRANDIES, | + | | + | CIGARS, Etc., | + | | + | Which they guarantee as to | + | | + | _PURITY AND GENUINENESS._ | + | | + | | + | KNICKERBOCKER GIN CO., | + | | + | 15 William Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: LUCIFER INTERVIEWS THE MAYOR. + +_Mayor Hall_. "WANT YOUR PLACE PAVED, YOU SAY? CERTAINLY, SIR; HOW WILL +YOU HAVE IT DONE, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS OR WITH BROKEN PROMISES? WE CAN +SUPPLY YOU WITH EITHER AT THE CITY HALL."] + ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| WALTHAM WATCHES. | +| | +| 3-4 PLATE. | +| | +| _16 and 20 Sizes._ | +| | +| To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | +| devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | +| command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | +| beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of | +| mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | +| execution, these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | +| | +| In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | +| Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | +| | +| FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELERS. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| HENRY L. STEPHENS, | +| | +| ARTIST, | +| | +| No. 160 Fulton Street, | +| | +| NEW-YORK. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| Important to Newsdealers! | +| | +| ALL ORDERS FOR | +| | +| PUNCHINELLO | +| | +| Will be supplied by | +| | +| OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS, | +| | +| American News Co. | +| | +| NEW-YORK. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, +April 2, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11177 *** diff --git a/11177-h/11177-h.htm b/11177-h/11177-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c071b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/11177-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1959 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. 1.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem .caesura {vertical-align: -200%;} + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11177 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p>"The Printing House of the United States."</p> + <p><big><b>GEO.F.NESBITT & CO.,</b></big></p> + <p>General <b>JOB PRINTERS,</b></p> + <p>BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.</p> + <p><b>163, 165,167,</b> and <b>169</b> PEARL ST.,<br> + <small>AND</small><b><br> +73, 75, 77,</b> +and <b>79</b> PINE ST., New-York.</p> + <p>Advantages. --> All on the same premises, and under +the immediate supervision of the proprietors.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <b>AGENTS WANTED</b><br> + <br> +To canvas every State, County, and Town in the United +States for<br> +FIRST-CLASS PUBLICATIONS,<br> + <i>Popular in Contents,<br> +Artistic in Illustration,<br> +Admirable in Style of Manufacture,<br> +And Easy to Sell.</i><br> + <br> +Special Inducements Offered.<br> + <br> +Apply to J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers,<br> +39 Park Row, New-York.<br> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center><span style="font-weight: bold;"> MOLLER'S PUREST +NORWEGIAN</span><br> + <b>COD-LIVER OIL.</b><br> + <br> +"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any +Cod-Liver Oil that patients can digest, owing to the +objectionable mode of procuring and preparing the livers....<br> +Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil which is +perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be +wished."—DR. L.A. SAVRE, before Academy of Medicine. See <i>Medical +Record,</i> December, 1869, p. 417.<br> + <br> +SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.<br> +W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,<br> +Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.<br> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center><br> + <img src="images/001.png" alt=""> <br> + <h2>SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 1870.</h2> + <br> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>AT THEIR OFFICE, 83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + <br> + <br> + <br> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN</p> + <p><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></p> + <p>SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO</p> + <p>J. NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p>83 NASSAU STREET.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>ART PRINCIPLES.</b></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN DRAWING BOOK,</b></p> + <p><b>BY J.G. CHAPMAN, N.A.</b></p> + <p>A manual for the Amateur, and Basis of study for the +Professional +Artist. Adapted for schools and Private Instruction.</p> + <p>Price, $6.</p> + <p>To be had of dealers, or from the Publishers, by mail +post-paid +on receipt of price.</p> + <p><b>A.S. BARNES & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b><i>111 and 113 William. Street, New-York.</i></b></p> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p><big><big><b>Mercantile Library,</b></big></big></p> + <p>Clinton Hall, Astor Place</p> + <p>New-York.</p> + <p>This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the +number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About +1000 volumes are added each month; and very large purchases +are made of all new and popular works.</p> + <p>Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each +delivery.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:</p> + <p>TO CLERKS,</p> + <p>$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.</p> + <p>TO OTHERS, $5 a year.</p> + <p>SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR +SIX MONTHS.</p> + <p><b>BRANCH OFFICES</b></p> + <p>NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,</p> + <p>AND AT</p> + <p>Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE COLLINS</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Watch Factory.</big></big></big></p> + <p>THE CELEBRATED IMITATION</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">GOLD HUNTING WATCHES.</p> + <p>"Collins Metal," (Improved Oroide.)</p> + <p>These Justly celebrated Watches have, been so thoroughly +tested during the last four years, and their reputation for +time and as Imitation of Gold Watches is so well established +as to require no recommendations. They retain their color; +and each on is fully guaranteed by special certificate.</p> +PRICES:<br> + <small>HORIZONTAL WATCHES................ $10<br> +FULL-JEWELED PATENT LEVERS..$13</small><br> + <p>(Equal in appearance and for time to gold ones costing $150.) +Those of extra fine finish, $20. (Equaling a $200 gold watch.) +Also, an extra heavy, superbly finished, and splendid watch at +$25. This equals in appearance a $250 gold one. All our +watches are in hunting cases, Gent's and Ladies' sizes. Chains, +$2 to $8.</p> + <p>Also, Jewelry of every kind, equal to gold, at one tenth the +price.</p> + <p>"The goods of C.E. Collins & Co. have invariably given +satisfaction."—<i>N.Y. Times.</i></p> + <p>"One of the $20 watches is worn in our office, and we have +no hesitation in recommending them."—<i>Pomeroy's Democrat.</i></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TO CLUBS.</p> + <p>Where Six Watches are ordered at one time, we send a +Seventh Watch free.</p> + <p>Goods sent by express to all parts of the United States, to +be paid for on delivery.</p> + <p>C.E. COLLINS & CO.,</p> + <p>No. 335 Broadway, New York.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="6" align="center"> + <h2>PUNCHINELLO.</h2> + <p>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with +the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify +the undertaking, the</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.</b></p> + <p>OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,</p> + <p>Presents to the public for approval, the</p> + <p><b>NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL</b></p> + <p>WEEKLY PAPER,</p> + <p><big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></big></p> + <p>The first number of which will be issued under date of April +2, +1870, and thereafter weekly.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO will be <i>National</i>, and not <i>local</i>; +and will +endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the country; +and to that end has secured a</p> + <p>VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS</p> + <p>in various sections of the Union, while its columns will +always be +open to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, +without +vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a +superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for +sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a +good +thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.</p> + <p>The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. +Stephens, whose +celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of +humorous artists, assisted by leading arists in their respective +specialties.</p> + <p>The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. +STEPHENS, +with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were +identified with VANITY FAIR.</p> + <p>ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</p> + <p>Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive +ideas +or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are +always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.</p> + <p>Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage +stamps are inclosed.</p> + <p><b>TERMS:</b></p> + <p>One copy, per year, in advance $4.00</p> + <p>Single copies, ten cents.</p> + <p>A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten +cents.</p> + <p>One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other +magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5.50</p> + <p>One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, for 7.00</p> + <p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street</p> + <p>NEW-YORK</p> + <p>P.O. Box, 2783.</p> + <p><i>(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)</i></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,</p> + <p>29 LIBERTY STREET,<br> +New-York,</p> + <p>MANUFACTURERS OF THE</p> + <p><i>Finest Cigars made in<br> +the United States.</i></p> + <p>All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to +any responsible house. <br> +Also Importers of the</p> + <p><b>"FUSBOS" BRAND,</b></p> + <p>Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from +ten +to twenty per cent cheaper.</p> + <p>Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by +calling at</p> + <p><b>29 LIBERTY STREET</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b>SYPHER & CO</b>.,</big></big></p> + <p>(SUCCESSORS TO D. MARLEY.)</p> + <p>No. 557: Broadway, New-York,</p> + <p>MODERN AND ANTIQUE</p> +FURNITURE,<br> +BRONZES,<br> +CHINA,<br> +AND + <p></p> + <p>ARTICLES OF VERTU.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>GUFFROY'S</p> + <p><b>COD-LIVER DRAGEES.</b></p> + <p>SUGAR-COATED PILLS OF COD-LIVER EXTRACT.</p> + <p>A perfect substitute for Cod-Liver Oil, more efficacious, more +economical, and free from all its disagreeable qualities. Used +in English, French, and American hospitals, and highly recommended +by the Medical Faculty here and in Europe.</p> + <p>Send for a pamphlet, which contains many very emphatic +testimonials from eminent physicians who have tried them.</p> + <p><b>Ward, Southerland & Co.,</b></p> + <p>130 William Street, New-York.</p> + <p>A box of 240 Dragées, equal to six pints Cod-Liver Oil, +$2. +Sent by mail on receipt of price.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN<br> +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,</p> + <p>AND</p> + <p><big>SEWING-MACHINE CO.,</big></p> + <p><b>563 Broadway, New-York.</b></p> + <p>This great combination machine is the last and greatest +improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to all +work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful</p> + <p>BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;</p> + <p>in all fabrics.</p> + <p>Machine, with finely finished</p> + <p>OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER</p> + <p>complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, +$60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to +manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the market. +Machines warranted, and full instruction given to purchasers.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">DOUGAN,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PRACTICAL HATTER,</p> + <p>102 NASSAU STREET,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">WEVILL & HAMMAR,</p> + <p><big><big><b>Wood Engravers,</b></big></big></p> + <p>No. 208 BROADWAY,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BELMONT HOTEL.</p> + <p>J.P. RICHARDS, Proprietor.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>DINING ROOMS.</big></p> + <p>Rooms 50c., 75c., and $1 per night.</p> + <p>133, 135, and 137 FULTON STREET,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by +the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of United States, for the Southern District of New-York.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center> <img src="images/003.png" alt="PREFACE"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. No. 1.</b></p> + <p>(Suggestion: "Take care of No. 1.")</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO TO THE PUBLIC, GREETING:</p> + </center> + <p>His name, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will not be found a difficult one +to +articulate. He flatters himself that it has a smack of grape-juice and +olives about it. It rhymes with "mellow," which naturally brings us to +"good fellow.". On occasions PUNCHINELLO can "bellow," cut a +"tremendous +swell," O, and he never throws away a chance of pocketing the "yellow." +He would like to rhyme with "swallow;" but alas! it can not, can not be.</p> + <p>And yet, in spite of (or perhaps on account of) PUNCHINELLO'S +mellifluous name, much cavil has been brought to bear upon him. +(Prepare +to receive cavilry.)</p> + <p>Squadrons of well-meaning persons with speaking-trumpets +marched to and +fro before the sponsors of PUNCHINELLO, each roaring at them to stop +such a name as <i>that</i>, and attend to <i>his</i> suggestion, and +his only.</p> + <p>One did not like PUNCHINELLO because it means a "little +Punch," and +he—the speaking-trumpeter—liked a great deal; and lo! while he spoke, +he changed his trumpet for several horns. Then he was taken with a fit +of herpetology in his boots, and sank to advise no more.</p> + <p>Another—a fellow with an infinite fancy for buffo +minstrelsy—was +vociferous that PUNCHINELLO should be called "Tommy Dodd." The +discussion upon this lasted for three months; but finally, "Tommy Dodd" +was rejected on account of the superfluously aristocratic aroma that +exhaled from the name.</p> + <p>Four divisions of men with banners then came by, each division +respectively composed of members of the waning families of Smith, +Brown, +Jones, and Robinson, and each division bawled and thundered that the +name round which it rallied should be adopted instead of PUNCHINELLO, +on +pain of death.</p> + <p>And thousands of others came with suggestions of a like sort; +for which +some of them wanted "stamps." And when they had all had their say, +PUNCHINELLO was called PUNCHINELLO, and nothing else—a name by which he +means to stand or fall.</p> + <p>And now to business. PUNCHINELLO is not going to define his +position +here. He refrains from boring his readers with prolix gammon about his +foreign and domestic relations. He will content himself (and readers, +he +hopes) by briefly mentioning that he has foreign and domestic relations +in every part of the habitable globe, and that they each and all +furnish +him with correspondence of the most reliable and spicy character, +regularly and for publication. Among his foreign relations he is happy +to reckon M. MEISSONNIER, the celebrated French artist, to whom he is +indebted for the original painting from which PUNCHINELLO, as he +appears +on his own title-page, is taken.</p> + <p>A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of +great +humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress. +PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these +with a light finger. (No allusion, here, to the "light-fingered +gentry," +for whom PUNCHINELLO keeps a large grape vine in pickle.)</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO observes the incipient tendency to return to +specie +payments. To this revival, however, he is not as yet prepared to give +his adhesion, though, on the whole, he considers it preferable to +relapsing fever, which is also noted on 'Change. Cuba shall have her +due +share of attention from him. And if She-Cuba, (Queen of the Antilles, +you know,) why not also He-Cuba?—lovely and preposterous woman, who, +from her eagerness to slip on certain habiliments that are masculine, +but shall here be nameless, shall henceforth be appropriately +distinguished by that name.</p> + <p>Let other important topics take care of themselves. +PUNCHINELLO will +only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers +than <i>habeas corpus</i>, and that he means to take the gloss off the +grim +joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York."</p> + <p>It is pleasant for PUNCHINELLO to draw the attention of his +readers to +the fact that this, his First Number, is dated April 2d—the day after +All Fools' Day. This is cheering; since thus it is manifest that +PUNCHINELLO leaves all the fools and jesters behind, and is, therefore, +first in the race for the crown of comic laurel and the quiver of +satiric shafts.</p> + <p>And now, by DAN PHOEBUS!—that's the DAN (ah!) that drives the <i>Sun</i>, +you +know, and is the biggest spot upon it—here we find that we have talked +ourself all the way to DELMONICO'S, and there's CHARLEY on the lookout.</p> + <p><i>Punchinello:</i> "Good evening, Mr. DELMONICO; have you any +room for us?"</p> + <p><i>Delmonico:</i> "You are very welcome, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and +your rooms are +quite ready; for we have been expecting you ever so long. Of course, +your staff of artists can be accommodated in our Drawing-room, if you +will permit me to throw off so insignificant a joke."</p> + <p><i>Punchinello:</i> "Tut, CHARLES!—'tis a joke of the first +water, (first +brandy-and-water, CHARLES.) Cap your joke with another as good, and +then +consider yourself on our staff. Lead us to our apartments, CHARLES."</p> + <p>And so, looking from his pleasant Fifth Avenue windows, +PUNCHINELLO +waves a salutation to his audience with a "May you be happy, each and +all of you, and live all your days in clover," (admission ten cents.)</p> + <center><img src="images/004.png" align="middle" alt=""></center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO'S NEW CHARTER.</b></p> + <p>THE GREAT PLATFORM OF THE RINGS.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">The Lions and the Lambs lie down +together,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">While the "Sun" stands still.</span><br> + <br> + <p>The People of the State of New-York, represented by +PUNCHINELLO and his +troop of admirers, hereby enact:</p> + <p><b>§ 1.</b> All the offices now provided by law with +within the City and County +of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag;</p> + <p><b>§ 2.</b> It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of +the Central Park to +devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of +poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the +grab-bag.</p> + <p><b>§ 3.</b> HORACE GREELEY, PETER COOPER, the Rev. Dr. +THOMPSON, DANIEL DREW, +and REDDY THE BLACKSMITH, are hereby constituted Inspectors and +Canvassers for the grabbers.</p> + <p><b>§ 4.</b> It shall be the duty of the said inspectors +to prepare a +registry-list of all the persons intending to grab, who are required to +serve a notice of intention through the post-office upon REDDY THE +BLACKSMITH, the Chairman. DANIEL DREW is to provide funds wherewith to +pay the postage.</p> + <p><b>§ 5.</b> The registry-list shall be alphabetically +prepared, and the number +of chances shall be determined by dividing the number of grabbers by +the +number of offices.</p> + <p><b>§ 6.</b> The grabbers shall be selected by lot.</p> + <p><b>§ 7.</b> The lots shall be drawn by REDDY THE +BLACKSMITH from his own hat, +his eyes wide open, while every other inspector, and the voters, shall +be blindfolded with newspapers from the files of the <i>Christian Union</i>; +whereupon, as the names of the fortunate grabbers are called, each one +shall proceed to the grab-bag and grab his office.</p> + <p><b>§ 8.</b> There shall be no repeaters of the process.</p> + <p><b>§ 9.</b> The persons thus grabbing offices shall be +then and there, by the +Inspectors, declared duly elected to the offices grabbed, for life.</p> + <p><b>§ 10.</b> Any vacancy occurring by assassination shall +be immediately filled +by the Inspectors appointing the assassin.</p> + <p><b>§ 11.</b> Every person owning real estate on the +Island shall contribute one +ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following +Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the +Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable +contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided +among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted +to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement.</p> + <p><b>§ 12.</b> Owners of real estate in the city of New +York are hereby allowed +to make their own arrangements with the gas companies for the supply of +light; but nothing herein shall be construed to devote any part of the +proceeds to light the public streets at night and real estate owners +shall be allowed to make their own arrangements for the supply of water +with the grab income-bents of the Croton Grab Board.</p> + <p><b>§ 13.</b> The sewers of the city shall be converted to +burial places for +persons assassinated at political meetings.</p> + <p><b>§ 14.</b> Nothing herein contained shall be so +construed as to permit any +judge to grant an injunction against any grabbers of the offices.</p> + <p><b>§ 15.</b> The "dead-beats," heretofore known as +policemen and soldiers of +the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall +be +a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a +six-shooter.</p> + <p><b>§ 16.</b> All provisions of the United States or State +constitutions +inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>From Gertrude of Wyoming.</b></p> + <p>Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does +not +follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the +women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally +supply the family linen.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>SURE TO BE LOST AT C.</b>—Signor LEFRANC's voice, if he +continues to +recklessly strain it with his chest C.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.</b></p> + <p>As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be +extended into +all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. +Every +other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes, +cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts; and PUNCHINELLO, +intending to offer the most advantages, expects to become so necessary +to the economical housewife and the prudent bread-winner that no family +will be able to do without him. So, with no further prologue, we will +present our readers with some valuable hints in regard to the use that +can be made of things that often lie about the house gathering +dust—idle clutter and of no service to any body. <img + src="images/005a.png" align="left" alt=""> The first hint, we +know, if followed up, will be found of the greatest advantage to all, +yielding great measure of convenience at little cost. Take a wide +board—as wide as you can get it—and as long as it will cut without +cracks or knotholes, and saw the ends off square. Then bore four large +holes in the corners, and insert the ends of four sticks, each about +three feet long. Place it upon the floor, so that the board will be +supported by the sticks, thus:</p> + <p>This contrivance will be found very useful for various +purposes. It will +do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any +other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household +objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to +serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. If on such +occasions it be covered with a white linen or cotton cloth, its +appearance will be much improved, and in time it can not fail to become +a favorite article of furniture.</p> + <img src="images/005b.png" align="right" alt=""> + <p>The next hint will please the ladies. Take two pieces of +cotton or +woolen cloth, of any size from two inches to a foot square, and sew +them +together at the edges, leaving, however, a small place unsewed at one +corner. You will now find that you have something like a square bag. +This is to be tightly filled with wool, bran, mowings, clippings of +human hair, or something of the kind, and the open corner is then to be +sewed up. When finished, the affair will assume this appearance and +will +be found very useful for the preservation of pins. The manner of using +it is as follows: you take the pin in the hand and firmly press it into +the bag, when it will be found that the body of the pin will easily +enter, but that the head will prevent its entire disappearance. The +stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight +degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious +little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always +hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more +economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the +pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. The top and +corners can be ornamented <i>à discrétion</i>.</p> + <p>Hint the third is especially addressed to country families. +Take one of +the ordinary toilet-tables that are to be found in so many rural +habitations, and, on removing the white cover, you will probably find +that the table is formed of an empty flour-barrel with a board nailed +on +top of it. Remove this board; get a head from another barrel of the +same +size; place it properly upon the top; put some good hoops around the +ends, nail it all up tightly, and you will find that you will have a +very good barrel.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Founded upon Fact.</b></p> + <p>Why is BRENTANO like a hardware man?</p> + <p>Because he keeps <i>Tomahawks</i> for sale.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Definition by an Envious Wood-Engraver.</b></p> + <p>ZINCALI—Artists who draw on zinc plates.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center><img src="images/006.png" alt=""> + <p><b>AN AGGRAVATED CASE.</b></p> + <p><i>Man with Muffler</i>. "IT ISN'T THE FACT OF THE SORE THROAT +I MIND SO MUCH +AS THE SUSPICION THAT I CAUGHT IT FROM THAT BEASTLY SNOB, BURLAPS, WHO +OCCUPIES THE ROOMS OPPOSITE."</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Truly Noble.</b></p> + <p>We have been requested to publish the following letter:</p> + <p>NEW-YORK, March 1, 1870.</p> + <p>TO THE PATRIOTS HAVING CHARGE OF THE MONUMENT TO VICTOR NOIR:</p> + <p>GENTLEMEN: I honor the brave! I am of America, American! I +import from +bleeding France her brandy, her champagne, her claret, her olives, and +her sardines. I dispose of them at 1108 Lispenard street, New-York, +where my peculiar facilities enable me to offer unusual inducements to +the trade! I am with you and against tyrants! <i>Vive la freedom!</i> +I +inclose seven francs as a contribution to the monument! D.E.D. BEHTE.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Perennius Ære.</b></p> + <p>In view of the recent long and luminous discourse by a +distinguished +United States Senator upon the subject of the funding bill, it is +respectfully suggested that a part of the amount to be saved to the +nation by this financial scheme shall be devoted to the erection of a +"palace lifting to eternal SUMNER!"</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Question for Ben Butler's Nurse.</b></p> + <p>Was the honorable member from Massachusetts <i>really</i> +born with a silver +spoon in his <i>mouth</i>?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The Witch and the Switch.</b></p> + <p>Fashionable women are like the conventional +school-mistress—they +believe in the switch.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Naughty.</b></p> + <p>When did the people send a cipher to the State Senate? When +they sent +NORT-on there.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>THE MARINER'S WRONGS.</b></p> + <p>Within the memories of men who are not yet old, the sailor was +always +looked upon and talked about as "a jolly dog." There was a glamour of +romance about him when he was at sea, and "JACK ashore" was for ages +held up as the presentment of all that was happy, and contented, and +free from care. His hardest duty was supposed to be shinning up the +ratlin to "reef," or "brail up," or "splice the mainbrace," or do some +other of those mysterious things that caused him to look so mythical to +the minds of land-lubbers and the simple-hearted kind of women that +used +to be, but now no longer are. His lighter hours (about eighteen out of +the twenty-four) were passed in terpsichorean performances on the +"fo'k'sl," and were so fascinating to the shorey mind that music was +specially composed for them, and the "Sailor's Hornpipe" is one of the +scourges inflicted upon mortals, for their sins, by barrel-organists at +the present day. Grog was dealt out to him by the gallon, and, as for +"backy," the light-hearted fellow was never allowed to suffer for want +of <i>that</i>; so that his happiness may be said to have been +complete.</p> + <p>Things are sadly changed, now, with regard to poor JACK. Every +day we +read of outrageous assaults upon him with marline-spikes and other +perverted marine stores, by brutal skippers and flagitious mates, whose +proper end would be the yard-arm and the rope's end. All belaying-pin +and no pay has made JACK a dull boy. His windpipe refuses to furnish +the +whilom exhilarating tooraloo for his hornpipe. Silent are the "yarns" +with which he used to while away the time when off his watch and +huddling under the lee of the capstan with his messmates. And then, +when +he comes ashore, it is only to be devoured by the sharks that lie in +wait for him and drag him away bodily to their obscene "boarding-house" +dens.</p> + <p>Once on a time JACK, when in dock, used to make holiday of it +on Sunday. +He looked as gay as a tobacconist's sign when rigged out in his best +blue for a lark ashore, where he was occasionally to be seen on +horseback with a row of his jovial messmates, all of them sitting with +their backs to the horse's head, and the sternmost of them steering the +bewildered animal by his tail. Now there seems to be a movement to cut +off from JACK even the holiday to which he is surely entitled. The +captain of a bark, lying at San Francisco, has lately stopped wages, to +the amount of sixty-five dollars, from a seaman, because the latter +refused to assist in discharging cargo on Sunday. Blue has, in one +sense, always been JACK's favorite color; but if this sort of thing +goes +on much further, he must become bluer than ever, and his cheerless +condition will be such that he will not have a cheer left to shake the +welkin with when he helps to man the yards.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Postal.</b></p> + <p>Frankly speaking, can Senator REVEL's letters be called <i>Blackmail</i>?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Propagandism.</b></p> + <p>Ancient Rome was saved by a proper goose; modern Rome by a +proper +gander.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p>The Sheriff's party tell us that they are always "watch"ful in +the +interest of the tax-payers. So they should be, for don't they own the +most "repeaters"?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The Plays and Shows.</b></p> + <p>HAMLET—WITH A YELLOW WIG.</p> + <p><img src="images/007.png" align="left" alt="The"> poet—his +name is of no consequence—has defined the evening +as</p> + <p>"The close of the day when the HAMLET is still."</p> + <p>Evidently he was a bucolic, and not a metropolitan poet. +Otherwise he +would have remembered that the close of the day, or, to speak with +mathematical accuracy, the hour of eight P.M., is precisely the time +when the HAMLET of a well-regulated theatrical community begins to make +himself vocally prominent. A few nights since, we had no less than +three +HAMLETS propounding at the same time the unnecessary question, whether +to be or not to be is the correct thing. The serious HAMLET of the +eagle +eye, and the burlesque HAMLET of the vulpine nose, are with us yet; but +the rival of the latter, the HAMLET of the taurine neck, has gone to +Boston, where his wiggish peculiarity will he better appreciated than +it +was in this Democratic city.</p> + <p>The late Mr. WEGG prided himself upon being a literary +man—with a +wooden leg. Mr. FECHTER aspires to be a HAMLET—with a yellow wig. Mr. +WEGG had this advantage over Mr. FECHTER, that his literary ability did +not wholly depend upon his ligneous leg. Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET, on the +contrary, owes its existence solely to his wig. The key to his +popularity must he sought in his yellow locks.</p> + <p>There are, it is true, meritorious points in Mr. FECHTER'S +Dane. One is +his skill in fencing; another, the fact that he finally suffers himself +to be killed. Unfortunately, this latter redeeming incident takes place +only in the last scene of the play, and the Fat Prince has therefore +abundant previous opportunity to mar the superb acting of Miss +LECLERCQ. +Why this admirable artist did not insist that her OPHELIA should +receive +a better support than was furnished by Messrs. BANGS, LEVICK, and +FECHTER, at Niblo's Garden, is an insoluble mystery. She must have +perceived the absurdity of drowning herself for a Prince—fair, fat, and +faulty—who refused to give her a share of his "loaf," and denied, with +an evident eye to a possible breach of promise suit, that he had given +her any "bresents."</p> + <p>That Mr. FECHTER speaks English imperfectly is, however, the +least of +his defects. If he could not speak at all, his audience would have +reason for self-congratulation. We might, too, forget that he is an +obese, round-shouldered, short-necked, and eminently beery HAMLET, with +a tendency to speak through his nose. But how can we overlook his +incapacity to express the subtle changes of HAMLET'S ever questioning +mind? One of his admirers has recently quoted RUSKIN in his support. +MR. +FECHTER gives no heed to RUSKIN'S axiom, that all true art is delicate +art. There is no delicacy in his conception of HAMLET. True, he is +impulsive and sensitive; but this is due to his physical and not to his +mental organization. A HAMLET without delicacy is quite as intolerable +a +spectacle as a <i>Grande Duchesse</i> without decency.</p> + <p>What, then, has given him his reputation? The answer is +evident;—His +yellow wig. NAPOLEON gilded the dome of the <i>Invalides</i>, and the +Parisians forgot to murmur at the arbitrary acts of his reign. Mr. +FECHTER crowns himself with a golden wig, and the public forgets to +murmur at the five acts of his HAMLET.</p> + <p>In all other respects Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET is inferior to that +of his +rival Mr. FOX. It is not nearly as funny, and it is much less +impressive. Both actors are wrong, however, in not omitting the +graveyard scene. To make a burlesque of Death is to unlawfully invade +the province of Messrs. BEECHER and FROTHINGHAM.</p> + <p>The popularity of Mr. FECHTER is only a new proof of the +potency of +yellow hair. It is the yellow hair of the British blonde, joined to +that +kindliness of disposition with which—like a personification of +Charity—she "bareth all things," that makes her a thing of beauty in +the eyes of R.G.W., and a joy for as many seasons as her hair will keep +its color. It is because Mr. FECHTER decided that the hair presumptive +of the Royal Dane must have been yellow, that his name has grown famous +in England.</p> + <p>The veracious chronicler relates that, on one occasion, Mr. +VENUS +deprived his literary friend with a wooden leg of that useful +appendage. +But that act of constructive mayhem did not destroy Mr. WEGG'S literary +reputation. Can MR. FECHTER'S HAMLET endure an analogous test? If he +has +confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a +change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of +hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET +with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than +simply +a HAMLET—with a yellow wig. Until then we shall be constrained to class +him with the other blonde burlesquers.</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>WHAT THE PRESS IS EXPECTED TO SAY OF US.</b></p> + <p>There is no trash in this paper.—<i>Literary Standard</i>.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO is a perfect beauty, and good as beautiful.—<i>Moralist</i>.</p> + <p>—a most suitable companion for our walks and meditations.—<i>Casuist</i>.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO pays beautifully.—<i>Cash Account</i>.</p> + <p>—just the thing for our mothers-in-law.—<i>Domestic-Hearth</i>.</p> + <p>—its wisdom and learning are equally remarkable.—<i>College +Club</i>.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO deserves to be styled A Brick.—<i>Midnight Male</i>.</p> + <p>—the most irreproachable thing going; and every man who does +not buy a +copy for himself, every week, and another for his wife, with one for +each of his children, is a brute.—<i>Plain Speaker</i>.</p> + <p>—bully.—<i>Western Grazier</i>.</p> + <p>—knows beans.—<i>Horticulturist</i>.</p> + <p>—up to snuff.—<i>Market Reporter</i>.</p> + <p>—cock of the walk.—<i>Prairie Chicken</i>.</p> + <p>—perfectly lovely.—<i>Ladies' Voice</i>.</p> + <p>—read it, try to parse it, and then set it to music and sing +it.—<i>Yankee Teacher</i>.</p> + <p>—the thing we dreamed of, longed for, sighed for, and paid +for.—<i>Public at Large</i>.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Walking Fish.</b></p> + <p>The Walk in life of Mr. Secretary of State FISH, considering +him as a +private individual, has hitherto been irreproachable. Nevertheless, his +walk might be much improved by President GRANT, if the latter would +only +teach him to Walk Spanish.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>"Hole-in-the-Day."</b></p> + <p>It is stated, though on what authority we are unable to say, +that the +Philadelphia <i>Day</i> is printed on straw paper made from the +surplus +straw-hats that formed an item of a notorious government contract +negotiated during the war.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center><img src="images/008.png" alt=""> + <p><b>MESMERISM IN WALL STREET.</b></p> + <p><i>First Lady Broker, (entrancing subject.)</i> "THERE, I'VE +GOT HIM TO THE +POINT NOW.<br> +TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, QUICK."</p> + <p><i>Commodore V-nd-rb-lt, (murmurs.)</i> "SELL ME ONE THOUSAND +SHARES +CENTRAL."</p> + <p><i>Second Lady Broker.</i> "BOOKED!"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>THE BALLAD OF CAPTAIN EYRE,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>OF THE PACIFIC AND ORIENTAL +STEAMSHIP "BOMBAY."</small></p> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p>My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed,</p> + <p>When I sailed;</p> + <p>My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed;</p> + <p>My name was ARTHUR EYRE, a true British snob, I swear,</p> + <p>Who for Yankees didn't care, as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed,</p> + <p>Ere I sailed;</p> + <p>I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed;</p> + <p>I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, that JOHN BULL his fingers +snaps</p> + <p>At the "cussed Yankee chaps," ere I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I steered across the seas, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>I steered across the seas, as I sailed;</p> + <p>I steered across the seas, and swilled my hale at hease;</p> + <p>I was master, "if you please," as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed;</p> + <p>VICTORIA'S flag I flew, and wore her colors too,</p> + <p>Like a British sailor true, as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed;</p> + <p>Off the shore of far Japan, I a Yankee ship did scan,</p> + <p>That with helm a-starboard ran, as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed;</p> + <p>A curse rose to my lip as on the Yankee ship</p> + <p>Through the darkness I did slip, as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed;</p> + <p>Ay, I ran the Yankee down, and I left the dogs to drown,</p> + <p>While to Yokohama town on I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They say they showed a light, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>They say they showed a light, as I sailed;</p> + <p>They say they showed a light, to tell their hopeless plight,</p> + <p>But "I served them bloody right," as I sailed!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For my name is Captain EYRE, as I sail,</p> + <p>As I sail;</p> + <p>My name is Captain EYRE, as I sail;</p> + <p>For my name is Captain EYRE, and it's d-----d absurd, I swear,</p> + <p>That for Yankees I should care, as I sail!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>"Arcades Ambo."</b></p> + <p>As there seem to be some disorganizing elements just now at +work in the +ancient and honorable order of the Knights of Pythias, might it not be +well for them to compromise by a fraternal secession of the +discontented +spirits, who could form a kindred order under the title of the Deys of +Damon?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>USEFUL MATERIAL FOR FANCY CLOG-DANCERS</b>—Sandal-wood.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/009.png" alt=""> + <table width="100%"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" width="50%"> + <p><b>March 4, 1869.</b><br> +A GIANT AMONG THE PIGMIES.</p> + </td> + <td align="center" width="50%"> + <p><b>March 4, 1870.</b><br> +A PIGMY AMONG THE GIANTS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/011.png" align="left" alt="T">hat it is not +PUNCHINELLO'S intention to overlook Wall +street, may be +absolutely taken at par. To look over Wall street is quite another +matter, and P. knows how to do it to a T. Many a time at midnight, from +his perch on the tip of the spire of Old Trinity, (a tip-top point from +which to look over Wall street—you see the point?) has PUNCHINELLO +beheld the ghosts of dead speculations floating hopelessly through the +murky air. It could not be said of them that there was "no speculation +in those eyes." The ghost of a dead speculation was never so utterly +damned, the eyes of a ghost of a dead speculation were never so +absolutely dimmed, but that speculation of some kind might be discerned +fluttering like a mummy-cloth from the shadowy outline of the former, +and gleaming feebly from the gloomy goggles of the latter. Gleam on, +poor ghosts! Goggle while you may, and gibber. PUNCHINELLO watches you +with interest, (25 per cent.,) as you are weighed down to the very dirt +of The Street by the night-fog of Despair, flapping your wings on a +very +small "margin," as if attempting vainly to "operate for a rise." Go +down, poor ghosts; repair to your incandescent place below, for there +is +no hope for you. As we sit here upon our spire, we can not say to you, <i>Dum +spiramus speramus</i>. Alas! no. We would like to do so, +of course; +but our sense of truth revolts against the enunciation of such a +taradiddle.</p> + <p>Soon after daylight has been fully turned on, it is the wont +of +PUNCHINELLO to descend from his perch on the church, (rhyme,) and roam +waywardly and invisibly among the denizens who occupy the dens of The +Street. He knows all the ins and outs of the place, and has long been +disgustingly familiar with its ups and downs. Gently has he dabbled in +stocks, and no modern operator is half so conversant an he is with the +juggles of the Stock Exchange. PUNCHINELLO, though as fresh and frisky, +in mind and body, as a kid on a June morning, is older than he chooses +to let every body know. Bless you all, readers dear! he was by when the +Tulip Mania was hatched, (mixed figure,) and it was he who punctured +the +great South Sea Bubble, and sent it on a burst. Ha! ha! he-e-e!--how he +laughs when he recurs to those days of the long, long ago, with their +miserable little swindles, no better than farthing candles, (allowable +rhyme,) and their puny dodges devised for flagellating LUCIFER round a +stump.</p> + <p>Just think of a lot of fellows pretending to play at +Tulipmaniacs +bolting Bubble-and-squeak, and not a jockey among them all had ever +heard of "puts" and "calls." Deuce a one of them know a "corner" from a +cockatrice's egg, and if you had mentioned a "scoop" to the most +intelligent of them, he'd have sworn that you had been and gone and +swallowed a Scandinavian dictionary. (N.B. In this application the nave +in Scandinavian might properly be spelt with a k.) Ah! yes, yes: +What-d'ye-call him was wide-awake when he remarked to Thingumbob that +"the world <i>does move</i>."</p> + <p>How strong the contrast to PUNCHINELLO as he glides, +invisible, to and +fro among the bulls and bears on 'Change, observing the "modern +instances" of their improved manner of doing business, and taking all +their devices into the corner of his brightest eye! (The only safe +"corner" <i>he</i> knows of on The Street.) How he chuckles as he +observes +the ways of 'em—sees a bear selling that which he hasn't, and a bull +buying that which he doesn't want—all "on a margin" and to "settle +regular," of course. Bless you! children of the modern Mammon. Go in +and +win, or lose if you find it more exciting. Learn to control finances, +if +you would fain grow to be good men and contribute hereafter good men to +the taxable population. Proceed with your virtuous transactions on +'Change. Never mind each other's toes; they who have corns must not +care +for being cornered. (Meant playfully.) Inflate the market with your +heavy purchases. Blow the market, and "corner the shorts." Be a "bear," +if you will; and when you play at "bull," remember the frog in the +fable, who would be an ox, and went on inflating until he burst.</p> + <p>You bloated stockmonger there, with your hands in your pockets +and your +eye on the mean chance, what care you how much capital is represented +by +certificates issued? "That's played out," you say? You know it is, you +slimy salamander, and so does PUNCHINELLO. You know that by the use of +convertible bonds capital can be increased or diminished <i>ad +infinitum</i>. +Loan your millions to Erie, to save it from destruction or the Sheriff, +(synonymous terms,) and you will derive sweet consolation from the +consciousness of your power to add or diminish at will.</p> + <p>Look at the "Great Waterer." When he chose to "snake away" +Erie from its +friends, and make it tributary to New-York Central, the printing-press +was at work—a fact which he did not discover until he had paid out ten +millions. Then the foreigners purchased ream after ream of certificates +to control Erie, and to-day their stock is declared not worth a row of +pins, owing to the piles of money swallowed by the afflictive suits on +the stamped certificates.</p> + <p>Observe SNIGGER and SNAGGER, too; mark the goings and comings +of these +partners in business and iniquity. How regularly they have kept +swearing +that their business never paid, and yet their dividends always +increased +when they wished to distribute their stock.</p> + <p>And here is one who—more audacious, far, than King CANUTE of +old—would +control even the ocean. This man starts a Pacific Mail with a capital +of +ten millions, increases the amount to twenty millions, and swears it is +worth thirty. Then he "puts his foot in it" and shows the knave in his +deal, (dealings—jocular,) by selling the stock at thirty-five.</p> + <p>This from PUNCHINELLO, as he looks over The Street—and through +it—from +his lofty pinnacle. Don't strain your precious eyes and necks in +fruitless endeavors to discover him there, since he can make himself +invisible at will. But listen, ye men of The Street, with all your +ears, +(Erie,) and you will hear a solemn chant like unto that of the <i>muezzin</i> +from the minaret. 'Tis the voice of PUNCHINELLO wafting sonorously from +his tower the instructive moral—</p> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p>"Whoe'er sells stocks as isn't his'n,</p> + <p>Must pay up or go to pris'n."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A New Conglomerate Pavement.</b></p> + <p>It was well said by a saucy Frenchman, "that England had fifty +religions +but only one sauce." Paraphrasing this loosely, we may say of New-York, +that she has a dozen different pavements and deuce a good one. There +was +the "Russ," on which the horses used to be "let slide," but couldn't +trot; the "Belgian," of dubious repute; the "Nicholson," which, from +its +material, must have been invented by "Nick of the Woods;" the +"Mouse-trap," set to catch other things than mice; the "Fiske," a +pavement pitched in altogether too high a key to be pleasant; The +"Stafford," the "Stow," and several others which it would be painful to +enumerate here. Why doesn't the daily press look lively, and devise a +better pavement than any of these? There's STONE, of the <i>Journal of +Commerce</i>; WOOD, of the <i>News</i>; MARBLE, of the <i>World</i>; +and BRICK, of +the <i>Democrat</i>. Let them put their heads together and give us a +good +conglomerate.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Hopeful Anticipation.</b></p> + <p>Now that the darkeys are about to take part in national +legislation, we +shall probably be able to negrotiate a postal treaty with France.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>On one Drowned.</b></p> + <p>He left a large circle, etc.!</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center><img src="images/012.png" alt=""> + <p><b>SYMPATHY WITH CUBA.</b></p> + <p><i>Enthusiastic Sympathizer.</i> "What I say is, we <i>must</i> +have our cigars; +and <i>therefore</i>, Cuba <i>must</i> be ours."</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO'S LYRICS.</b></p> + <p>No. 1.</p> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p>Ho! I am the jolly repeater,</p> + <p class="i2">And I train with the magical band,</p> + <p>Who the legerdemain of the ballot</p> + <p class="i2">With the skill of a wizard command.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once a year every poll I explore,</p> + <p class="i2">Honest voting is Greenland to me;</p> + <p>Free suffrage is ever my motto,</p> + <p class="i2">To my amnesty judges agree.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The trickster inspector I loathe, sir!</p> + <p class="i2">Or the canvasser's pencils that thieve;</p> + <p>Voting early and often is nobler</p> + <p class="i2">Than ballots to change from one's sleeve.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No eight hours' labor I ask for,</p> + <p class="i2">Votes from sunrise to sunset I cast;</p> + <p>They are bread on political waters,</p> + <p class="i2">And my sinecures follow them fast.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>WILLIAM B. and his millionaire crew</p> + <p class="i2">Will only vote once, sir; while I</p> + <p>(Who to scorn laugh the honest assessors)</p> + <p class="i2">Plump a score to their one—on the sly!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who asks for my name? I repeat it—</p> + <p class="i2">Ho! the jolly repeater am I;</p> + <p>Each book of the registry knows me,</p> + <p class="i2">And I'm now in the market—Who'll buy?</p> + </div> + </div> + <p>(The above may be sung <i>da capo</i>, which is Italian for +"repeat.")</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Music and Morals in Chicago.</b></p> + <p>The <i>Marriage of Figaro</i> did not interest the Chicago +people when it was +produced in that peculiar city. Had it been called the "Divorce of +Figaro," it would have aroused their warmest admiration.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>MR. GREELEY'S AIDS TO LITERARY EFFORT.</b></p> + <p>On the general principle that "no one is a hero to his valet," +not even +a valetudinarian, it may be safely asserted that the divinity that doth +hedge most great writers is lost the moment their admirers become +acquainted with their habits of thought and methods of composition. The +popular delusion that H.G. "knows every thing" is calculated to work +indefinite injury to some modest men who are supposed to "know +something." GREELEY'S mind, like a <i>camera obscura</i>, may be said +to +retain its impressions while in the dark, and to lose them when exposed +to the light. He has never, to any extent, heeded the scriptural +injunction against walking in darkness, which explains why so many <i>Tribune</i> +readers are in the dark concerning the truth and +justice of +popular questions. Consequently, as in the case of other great men, +when +GREELEY'S mind becomes pregnant with a theme, moved to pity by the +neglected education and limited mental resources of many of his +readers, +he repairs to one of his numerous literary lairs, and ransacks the +pages +of the Past for plunder befitting his pen and party. When he is about +to +write an editorial article on Protection, he invariably prepares his +mind by reading several chapters on the "Manly Art of Self-Defense," +which accounts for the wisdom and brilliancy displayed by him on the +subject of tariffs. In order to approach a discussion of the subject of +vegetarianism without prejudice, H.G. repairs to the wheezy WINDUST'S, +where, for hours at a time, he literally "crams" with his favorite dish +of pork and beans. The Amelioration of the condition of the Working +Classes is another favorite theme with GREELEY, and, in order to +discuss +clearly and cogently the many phases and ramifications of this lively +and exciting topic, he devotes several hours to the study of "Idleness +as a Fine Art." Before writing a particularly funny or spirited article +upon Politics, the Fine Arts, or the Drama, H.G., it is said, may be +seen for several hours at the Astor Library, poring over BURTON'S <i>Anatomy +of Melancholy</i>. While in the throes of literary +labor upon <i>The +Great Conflict</i>, he had numerous dogmatic discussions with Mr. KIT +BURNS, participated in several flights of the "fancy" to the +bird-battling haunts of New Jersey, and even pursued the ministers of +muscle to the scene of their bucolic pastimes in the P.R. It is, +perhaps, unnecessary to remark that Mr. GREELEY'S <i>Recollections of +a +Busy Life</i> were inspired almost directly by frequent collusion with +the +pages of DE QUINCEY and COLERIDGE, whose wild lives and turbulent +experiences possess a peculiar charm for the Triton of the <i>Tribune</i>. +When Mr. GREELEY wishes to write against capital punishment—which he +does about every time the moon changes—he naturally turns over a few +pages of <i>Thirty Years in Washington</i>. When he purposes to tempt +the +bounding bean of the kitchen garden of Chappaqua, or humble the hopeful +harrow of agriculture, he may be found either at the Italian Opera, +serenely sleeping under the soporific strains of <i>Sonnambula</i>, or +at the +Circus, benignly blinking at the agglomerating Arabs. The inspiration +for that thrilling story in real life, entitled, <i>What I Know about +Farming</i>, is said to have been received almost wholly from the state +of +somnolency induced by that clever clairvoyant, the Rev. Dr. CHAPIN. A +curious notion exists in the minds of a few ignorant persons, to the +effect that Mr. GREELEY vexes his mellow mind for essays on the +temperance question with frequent and numerous imbibitions of "soda +straight;" but it is high time that this popular error was exploded. +All +who have seen Mr. GREELEY in the bar-room of a certain city hotel, +dashing down brandy or pouring down whisky, and have next morning +perused a Tribune editorial on "The Evils of Intemperance," need not be +reminded of the chief source of H.G.'s animated style and vigorous +diction. An extended walk along the beautiful avenues of the city, or a +drive through Central Park, invariably prepares Mr. GREELEY's mind for +the birth of an article on the advantages to young men of leaving the +metropolis and seeking homes in the West. Some months ago, Mr. GREELEY +purchased a small, select library, which contains, among other choice +works, the sweet pastoral productions of SYLVANUS COBB, Jr.; the quaint +and exhilarating narratives of EUGENE SUE; the wholesome and harmless +fictions of NED BUNTLINE, together with the complete poetical works of +MARTIN FARQUHAR TUPPER, and it was from the perusal of these comforting +and pellucid contributions to American literature that Mr. GREELEY +caught the spirit and the style which distinguish his thrilling work on +Political Economy. But something too much of this. We would not +embitter +the life of Mr. GREELEY, at present, by any farther revelations, and +therefore we let the subject drop.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</b></p> + <p>SENATE.</p> + <p><img src="images/013.png" align="left" alt="A">t the opening, +Senator SUMNER rose to a personal explanation. +In fact, +he always does. He said that General PRIM had disowned having had any +thing to do with him upon the Cuban question. General PRIM was +perfectly +correct. (Applause.) He did not know much about the Cuban question; but +he flattered himself that he was familiar with the gurreat purrinciples +of Eternal Justice, and he intended to apply them to the solution of +all +our political problems. He said that Lord COKE had justly and +eloquently +observed <i>de minimis non curat lex.</i> He thought this would apply +to our +relations with the Island, where, although the sugar-cane lifts its +lofty top and the woodbine twineth, the accursed spirit of caste still +prevails. He begged to bring to the attention of the Senate and the +country the amended lines of the sacred poet:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 50%;"> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p>"What though the spicy breezes</p> + <p class="i2">Blow soft o'er Cuba's isle;</p> + <p>Though every prospect pleases,</p> + <p class="i2">And only man is vile?"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <p>The Senate would say with CICERO, <i>de non apparentious et +non +existentibus, eadem est ratio</i>, and they would remember with +reference +to the revolutionists of Cuba the great saying of Lord BACON, "Put a +beggar on horseback, and he will go to the Senate from Massachusetts." +Whatever the issue of the Cuban contest might be, he could lay his hand +upon his heart, and say with the Mantuan bard, "<i>Homo sum</i>." or, +in the +language of our own Shakespeare, that which we call a rose by any other +name would smell as sweet. These were all the sentiments he could find +in his library which bore directly upon this subject.</p> + <p>Senator SUMNER then introduced a bill to provide for the +resumption of +specie payments. The bill sets forth that it shall hereafter be a +felony +for any person to make tender of any thing other than gold and silver +to +any person of African descent, in any of the States lately in +rebellion. +In moving the bill, the senator said that its passage was imperatively +demanded by several negroes whom he knew, and that he would not consent +to deliver these helpless persons into the hands of their late masters +without some such guarantee as this bill furnished. He quoted from +ARISTOTLE, LOCKE, and BURKE to prove that classes liable to oppression +were apt to be oppressed.</p> + <p>Senator TRUMBULL wished to know what that had to do with the +resumption +of specie payments.</p> + <p>Senator SUMNER considered the inquiry impertinent. The great +principles +of justice were always in order.</p> + <p>Senator GARRET DAVIS took the floor, and made a neat speech of +three +days and a half in opposition to the bill. He said he was a Democrat, +and he always had been a Democrat. The founders of the republic would +weep if they could see what the government had come to. What would CLAY +and CALHOUN have said to seeing such men as his honorable friend from +Nevada (Mr. NYE) and himself in the Senate? If he might be permitted to +infringe upon the domain of the senator from Massachusetts, he would +quote Shakspeare, "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between +heaven and earth?" (Loud applause.) At the close of Mr. DAVIS'S speech +his friends came in from WELCKER'S, and congratulated him on having got +through. Exhausted nature made the Senate adjourn.</p> + <br> + <p>HOUSE.</p> + <p>After some general sparring, of which a set to between Mr. +GARFIELD and +Mr. HAIGHT formed the most conspicuous feature, the cadetship question +came up. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he never had sold any cadetships. +Mr. LOGAN wished to know who said he had. Mr. VOORHEES remarked that +Mr. +LOGAN was another. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he had appointed the son +of a constituent, and that subsequently to the appointment he had taken +a drink at the expense and the request of the constituent. He always +took his straight, and the cost to his constituent was only fifteen +cents. Which one of his colleagues would have acted otherwise? (Voices, +"Not one.")</p> + <p>Mr. BUTLER denounced the course of Mr. VOORHEES. For his part, +he saw no +impropriety in selling cadetships or any thing else. What do gentlemen +suppose that cadetships exist for, if it is not for the emolument of +congressmen? He considered his patronage as a part of his perquisites. +This had been the guiding principle of his life, alike in his military +and his political career. He considered the action of Mr. VOORHEES to +be +an act of deliberate treachery to this House. If he accepted a pitiful +drink in return for his official influence, he was guilty of a gross +offense in cheapening the price of patronage. A cadetship was worth +$500 +if it was worth a cent. If, on the other hand, he gave his cadetship +away, his conduct was even more culpable; for other congressmen might +be +weak enough to follow his baleful example, and the market would be +broken down. He advocated the formation of a Congressional Labor Union +to determine the value of these appointments, and to expel all members +who took less than the standard rate. This was what was done in other +branches of business, and if his colleagues wished to be like him, the +little busy B.F.B., and improve each shining hour, this is what they +would do.</p> + <p>And then the House adjourned.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>READY-MADE EPITAPHS.</b></p> + <p><b>On a Departed Clown.</b></p> + <p>Though lost to sight, to mummery dear.</p> + <p><b>On a Faithful Book-keeper.</b></p> + <p>Posted up.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Wring the Belles.</b></p> + <p>American belles ought to make good housewives, because they +put up with +little or no waist.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>To whom it may Concern.</b></p> + <p>Persons who take music by the wholesale are informed that they +can +procure it of the street organ-grinders, who dispose of it by the +Barrel.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Voice in the Air.</b></p> + <p>"What is honor? Air."—Sir JOHN FALSTAFF.</p> + <p>"What is dishonor? EYRE."—Every body.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The "Cumming" Man.</b></p> + <p>The "sensation" editor of the <i>Sun</i>.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center><img src="images/014.png" alt=""> + <p><b>"BLAG YER BOOTS, MISTER!"</b></p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Huge Sell.</b></p> + <p>The appointing to cadetships at West-Point.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The Most Religious Editor in New-York.</b></p> + <p>C.A. DANA—because every week-day is observed as a <i>"Sun"</i> +day by him.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Good General Idea.</b></p> + <p>A neat practical joke was that perpetrated by one of our +contributors, +who, having been requested to bring us "something pat," walked into our +office a day or two after with a couple of Fenian generals in tow.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Happy Thought.</b></p> + <p>The Elevated Railway is worked by means of what is known to +engineers as +an "endless rope." Might it not be well to work the murderers and +robbers of New-York on the same principle?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Abnormal.</b></p> + <p>One of the strangest anomalies in color known is to be +observed at +Mobile and other places on the Southern coast, where black men are +frequently Bay pilots.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>KING OAKEY THE FIRST, OF IRELAND.</b></p> + <p>BY ALDERMAN ROONEY.</p> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p class="i4">HOORAH! the dawn begins to break,</p> + <p class="i4">Ould Ireland's sons at last awake,</p> + <p class="i4">And from their sowls the shackles shake</p> + <p class="i6">That long have kept them under.</p> + <p class="i4">Arise, then, brave Phoenicians all,</p> + <p class="i4">Obey your noble gineral's call;</p> + <p class="i4">From off the steps of City Hall</p> + <p class="i6">You hear his voice of thunder!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan</p> + <p>To take ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Go rowl the news across the say,</p> + <p class="i4">Of how we spint the glorious day,</p> + <p class="i4">A hundred thousand on Broadway,</p> + <p class="i6">And more upon the Island.</p> + <p class="i4">Go tell the lords in Parlamint,</p> + <p class="i4">Of how Saint PATRICK'S day was spint,</p> + <p class="i4">And see if they don't reduce the rint</p> + <p class="i6">On every fut of dry land.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan</p> + <p>To take ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Go tell them how you raised the flag,</p> + <p class="i4">The green above their crimson rag,</p> + <p class="i4">And should they talk of Yankee brag,</p> + <p class="i6">We'll tache them how to rue it.</p> + <p class="i4">Go tell them how all day you stud,</p> + <p class="i4">Wid both your nate feet in the mud,</p> + <p class="i4">As if it had been Saxon blood</p> + <p class="i6">And you wor fightin' thro' it!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan</p> + <p>Who've tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man.</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Your innimies say you're not sincere,</p> + <p class="i4">Nor care a straw for Irish here,</p> + <p class="i4">Unless whin 'lection time is near,</p> + <p class="i6">And Irish votes are wanted.</p> + <p class="i4">But don't you throuble yourself at all,</p> + <p class="i4">We'll drive your innimies to the wall;</p> + <p class="i4">We know you better, OAKEY HALL,</p> + <p class="i6">Than take sich stuff for granted.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan</p> + <p>Who've tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">They say you want to be Mayor once more,</p> + <p class="i4">And after that, to be Governore—</p> + <p class="i4">As if you wouldn't be needed before,</p> + <p class="i6">To lade the Faynians over.</p> + <p class="i4">And they say you raise this hullabaloo,</p> + <p class="i4">'Bout Ireland's wrongs, and Cuba's too,</p> + <p class="i4">That Irish fools might cotton to you,</p> + <p class="i6">And you might sit in clover.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But no! for OAKEY, you're the wan</p> + <p>That tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Oh! no; we are not so aisy schooled,</p> + <p class="i4">By slanders bought wid Saxon goold;</p> + <p class="i4">They'll find, who think us so aisy fooled,</p> + <p class="i6">How much they underrate us.</p> + <p class="i4">Then up, mavrone! and take your stand,</p> + <p class="i4">The layder of the Faynian band,</p> + <p class="i4">And King you'll soon be of the land</p> + <p class="i6">Of shamrogues and potatoes!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan</p> + <p>That tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">So, good Saint PATRICK, bless the day</p> + <p class="i4">Whin Gineral HALL will march away,</p> + <p class="i4">Across the deep and briny say,</p> + <p class="i6">My country's bonds to sever;</p> + <p class="i4">And bless him whin he goes ashore.</p> + <p class="i4">And whin he walks in British gore,</p> + <p class="i4">And whin he's Ireland's King asthore,</p> + <p class="i6">Oh! may he live forever.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan</p> + <p>That tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>An' you'll be King of all her lan',</p> + <p class="i2">King OAKEY First, of Ireland.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 800px; height: 2180px;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2" width="30%"> <big><big><b>A.T. +STEWART & +CO.</b></big></big><br> + <br> +ARE MAKING<br> + <br> +GREAT REDUCTIONS<br> + <br> + <b>In the Prices of the Goods</b><br> + <br> +IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS<br> + <br> +OF THEIR<br> + <br> +Retail Establishment,<br> + <br> +NAMELY,<br> + <br> +Silks, Satins, Velvets, Dress Goods,<br> +Laces, Embroideries, Real<br> +India Camel's Hair Shawls,<br> + <br> +Ladies', Misses', and Children's<br> +Walking-Suits, Reception-Dresses,<br> +Morning-Robes, Undergarments.<br> +Infants' Wardrobes,<br> + <br> +Gentlemen's Furnishing Goods of every<br> +Description,<br> + <br> +Housekeeping and House-furnishing<br> +Goods, Linens, Sheetings, Damasks,<br> +Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins,<br> +Towels, Towelings,<br> +Blankets, Flannels,<br> +Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats,<br> +Rugs, English and American<br> +Oil-Cloths,<br> + <br> +Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles,<br> +Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured<br> +Cotelaines, Striped Reps,<br> +Furniture Chintzes,<br> + <br> +Etc., Etc., Etc.,<br> + <br> + <i>AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES.</i><br> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Fourth Avenue and Tenth Street</span>.<br> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>"The cleverest novel of the season."—<i>Baltimore Gazette.</i></p> + <p>D. APPLETON & CO.,</p> + <p><i>Nos. 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,</i></p> + <p>HAVE NOW READY</p> + <p><i>A New Edition</i></p> + <p>OF</p> + <p><b>Red as a Rose is She.</b></p> + <p>By the author of "Cometh up as a Flower."</p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Paper covers, 60 cents.</p> + <p><i>From the Boston Traveller.</i></p> + <p>"After reading such a work, one can no more read an ordinary +book than one could enjoy a lunch on dry bread immediately +after having dined on Curry and Chili, washed +down with burnt brandy."</p> + <p><i>From the Baltimore Gazette.</i></p> + <p>"The cleverest novel of the season. The characters are few, +but remarkably well drawn; the dialogue fresh, crisp, and +sparkling, and the incidents thoroughly natural."</p> + <p><i>From the Cincinnati Chronicle.</i></p> + <p>"There is a singular freshness about this novel, often a +quaint originality of expression, always a smooth rippling of +words not without ideas, of seed thoughts, many of which are +well worth cherishing, and which may germinate and grow +in the reader's mind long after he has forgotten that 'Red +as a Rose is She,' and has ceased to wonder as to who is the +author who has so pleasantly entertained him."</p> + <br> + <p>D. Appleton & Co.</p> + <p>PUBLISH, BY THE SAME AUTHOR,</p> + <p><i>COMETH UP AS A FLOWER.</i></p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents.</p> + <p><i>NOT WISELY BUT TOO WELL.</i></p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents.</p> + <p>Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on +receipt +of the price.</p> + </td> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><span style="font-style: italic;">An Absolutely Pure Article.</span><br> + </p> + <p><br> +THE</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>KNICKERBOCKER</big></p> + <p><big><big><big>Gin Company's</big></big></big></p> + <p>WORLD-RENOWNED</p> + <p>Double Distilled</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">B. & V.'s "ANCHOR" BRAND</p> + <p>OF</p> + <p><big>PURE</big></p> + <p><big><big><big>HOLLAND GIN,</big></big></big></p> + <p>FROM THEIR OWN DISTILLERY AT</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>LEIDEN, NEAR SCHIEDAM, +HOLLAND.</small></p> + <br> + <p>This brand of liquor has obtained a great reputation, not +only in Holland but throughout Europe, where it has been +tested</p> + <p>IN THE MOST CELEBRATED</p> + <p>Chemical Institutions.</p> + <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small><i>MILLIONS OF GALLONS</i></small></p> + <p>Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to +the</p> + <p>EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND AFRICA,</p> + <p>Where it is used</p> + <p>In Preference to any other Brand known.</p> + <br> + <p>Orders will be received at their office,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>No. 15 William Street,</small></p> + <p>For the above, and also for their other importations of</p> + <p>WINES,</p> + <p>BRANDIES,</p> + <p>CIGARS, Etc.,</p> + <p>Which they guarantee as to</p> + <p><i>PURITY AND GENUINENESS.</i></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">KNICKERBOCKER GIN CO.,</p> + <p>15 William Street,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.</big></p> + <p><i>Third Edition.</i></p> + <p>D. APPLETON & CO., +90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, +Have now ready the Third Edition of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.</big></p> + <p>By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."</p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.</p> + <p>From the New-York <i>Evening Express</i>. +"This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents +breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title."</p> + <p>From the Philadelphia <i>Inquirer</i>. +"The author can and does write well; the descriptions of +scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and never +overstrained."</p> + <p>D.A. & Co. have just published:</p> + <p>A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE +RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. +By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.</p> + <p>REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT +OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A +DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY +OF THE MOST INTERESTING. +By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. +8vo, $6.</p> + <p>HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS +LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. +By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.</p> + <p>HAND-BOOK _ THE MASTERY SERIES _ +LEARNING LANGUAGES.</p> + <p>I. THE HAND-BOOK _ THE MASTERY SERIES. +II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. +III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. +IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. +Price, 50 cents each.</p> + <p>Either of the above sent free by mall to any address on +receipt of the price.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="3" width="66%"><br> + <img src="images/016.png" alt=""> + <p><b>LUCIFER INTERVIEWS THE MAYOR.</b></p> + <p><i>Mayor Hall</i>. "WANT YOUR PLACE PAVED, YOU SAY? CERTAINLY, +SIR; HOW WILL +YOU HAVE IT DONE, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS OR WITH BROKEN PROMISES? WE CAN +SUPPLY YOU WITH EITHER AT THE CITY HALL."</p> + <br> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>WALTHAM WATCHES</b></p> + <p>3-4 PLATE.</p> + <p>16 and 20 Sizes.</p> + <p>To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have +devoted all +the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently +claim +that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences +of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these +watches are unsurpassed anywhere.</p> + <p>In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches +is not +even attempted except at Waltham.</p> + <p>FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HENRY L. STEPHENS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">ARTIST,</p> + <p>No. 160 Fulton Street,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>Important to Newsdealers!</p> + <p>ALL ORDERS FOR</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO</big></big></big></p> + <p>Will be supplied by</p> + <p>OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>American News Co.</big></p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <h2>PUNCHINELLO:</h2> + <h1><b>TERMS TO CLUBS.</b></h1> + <p>WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS</p> + </center> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>FIRST:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,</i></p> + <p>The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced +for spinning +purposes.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>SECOND:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.</i></p> + <p>These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well +as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>THIRD:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER.</i></p> + <p>This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It +knits +every thing.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>FOURTH:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE.</i></p> + <p>This great combination machine is the last and greatest +improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small>WE WILL SEND THE</small></p> + </center> + <table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">Family Spinner,</td> + <td align="left">price, $8,</td> + <td align="left">for 4 subscribers and $16.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No. 1 Crochet,</td> + <td align="left">price, $8,</td> + <td align="left">for 4 subscribers and $16.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No.2 Crochet,</td> + <td align="left">price, $15,</td> + <td align="left">for 6 subscribers and $24.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No. 1 Automatic Knitter,<br> +72 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $30,</td> + <td align="left">for 12 subscribers and $48.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No.2 Automatic Knitter,<br> +84 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $33,</td> + <td align="left">for 13 subscribers and $52.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No.3 Automatic Knitter,<br> +100 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $37,</td> + <td align="left">for 15 subscribers and $60.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left">No.4 Automatic Knitter,</td> + <td align="left">2 cylinders,<br> +72 needles<br> +1 100 needles</td> + <td align="left">price, $40.</td> + <td align="left">for 16 subscribers and $64.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No. 1 American Buttonhole<br> +and Overseaming Machine,</td> + <td align="left">price, $75,</td> + <td align="left">for 30 subscribers and $120.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left">No. 2 American Buttonhole<br> +and Overseaming Machine,</td> + <td align="left"> without buttonhole <br> +parts, etc., </td> + <td align="left">price, $60,</td> + <td align="left">for 25 subscribers and $100.</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Descriptive Circulars</p> + <p>Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this +office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.</p> + <p>Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may +deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four +subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may +send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.</p> + <p>Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, +or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish.</p> + <p>Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net +amount only +will be credited.</p> + <p>Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to +prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State.</p> + <p>The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, +payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription.</p> + <p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783.</p> + <br> + <p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY</p> + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER +JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11177 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11177-h/images/001.png b/11177-h/images/001.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..09371a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/001.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/003.png b/11177-h/images/003.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1aa71ac --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/003.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/004.png b/11177-h/images/004.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9a6894 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/004.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/005a.png b/11177-h/images/005a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ffe311 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/005a.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/005b.png b/11177-h/images/005b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1a5257 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/005b.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/006.png b/11177-h/images/006.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da3b0a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/006.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/007.png b/11177-h/images/007.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b75aa1c --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/007.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/008.png b/11177-h/images/008.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4110015 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/008.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/009.png b/11177-h/images/009.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..37fff7a --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/009.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/011.png b/11177-h/images/011.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6ff89f --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/011.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/012.png b/11177-h/images/012.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6cdf77d --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/012.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/013.png b/11177-h/images/013.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c7a98d --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/013.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/014.png b/11177-h/images/014.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3154f39 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/014.png diff --git a/11177-h/images/016.png b/11177-h/images/016.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7055274 --- /dev/null +++ b/11177-h/images/016.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d703d70 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11177 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11177) diff --git a/old/11177-8.txt b/old/11177-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a40100 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11177-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2435 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, April +2, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, April 2, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 20, 2004 [EBook #11177] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 1, *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General Job Printers, Blank-Book Manufacturers, Stationers, | + | Wholesale and Retail, Lithographic Printers and Engravers, | + | Copper-Plate Engravers and Printers, Card Manufacturers | + | Envelope Manufacturers, Fine Cut and Color Printers | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 Pearl Street, | + | AND | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 Pine Street, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | ADVANTAGE: All on the same premises and under the | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | AGENTS WANTED | + | | + | To canvas every State, County, and Town in the United | + | States for | + | FIRST-CLASS PUBLICATIONS, | + | Popular in Contents, | + | Artistic in Illustration, | + | Admirable in Style of Manufacture, | + | And Easy to Sell. | + | | + | Special Inducements Offered. | + | | + | Apply to J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN | + | COD-LIVER OIL. | + | | + | "Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any | + | Cod-Liver Oil that patients can digest, owing to the | + | objectionable mode of procuring and preparing the livers.... | + | Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil which is | + | perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be | + | wished."--DR. L.A. SAVRE, before Academy of Medicine. See | + | _Medical Record,_ December, 1869, p. 417. | + | | + | SOLD BY DRUGGISTS. | + | W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO., | + | Sole Agents for the United States and Canada. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +VOL. I. No. 1 + + +PUBLISHED BY THE PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + + +AT THEIR OFFICE, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK + +SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 1870 + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE COLLINS | + | | + | Watch Factory. | + | | + | THE CELEBRATED IMITATION | + | | + | GOLD HUNTING WATCHES. | + | | + | "Collins Metal," (Improved Oroide.) | + | | + | These Justly celebrated Watches have, been so thoroughly | + | tested during the last four years, and their reputation for | + | time and as Imitation of Gold Watches is so well established | + |as to require no recommendations. They retain their color; and| + | each on is fully guaranteed by special certificate. | + | | + | PRICES: | + | HORIZONTAL WATCHES................ $10 | + | FULL-JEWELED PATENT LEVERS......... 15 | + | | + |(Equal in appearance and for time to gold ones costing $150.) | + |Those of extra fine finish, $20. (Equaling a $200 gold watch.)| + |Also, an extra heavy, superbly finished, and splendid watch at| + | $25. This equals in appearance a $250 gold one. All our | + | watches are in hunting cases, Gent's and Ladies' sizes. | + | Chains, $2 to $8. | + | | + | Also, Jewelry of every kind, equal to gold, at one tenth the | + | price. | + | | + | "The goods of C.E. Collins & Co. have invariably given | + | satisfaction."--_N.Y. Times._ | + | | + | "One of the $20 watches is worn in our office, and we have | + | no hesitation in recommending them."--_Pomeroy's Democrat._ | + | | + | | + | TO CLUBS. | + | | + | Where Six Watches are ordered at one time, we send a | + | Seventh Watch free. | + | | + | Goods sent by express to all parts of the United States, to | + | be paid for on delivery. | + | | + | C.E. COLLINS & CO., | + | | + | No. 335 Broadway, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 Liberty Street, New-York. | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent | + | to any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money | + | by calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GUFFROY'S | + | | + | COD-LIVER DRAGEES. | + | | + | SUGAR-COATED PILLS OF COD-LIVER EXTRACT. | + | | + |A perfect substitute for Cod-Liver Oil, more efficacious, more| + |economical, and free from all its disagreeable qualities. Used| + | in English, French, and American hospitals, and highly | + | recommended by the Medical Faculty here and in Europe. | + | | + | Send for a pamphlet, which contains many very emphatic | + | testimonials from eminent physicians who have tried them. | + | | + | Ward, Southerland & Co., | + | | + | 130 William Street, New-York. | + | | + | A box of 240 Dragées, equal to six pints Cod-Liver Oil, $2. | + | Sent by mail on receipt of price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMER, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ART PRINCIPLES. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN DRAWING BOOK, | + | | + | BY J.G. CHAPMAN, N.A. | + | | + | A manual for the Amateur, and Basis of study for the | + | Professional Artist. Adapted for schools and Private | + | Instruction. | + | | + | Price, $6. | + | | + | To be had of dealers, or from the Publishers, by mail | + | post-paid on receipt of price. | + | | + | A.S. BARNES & CO., | + | | + | _111 and 113 William. Street, New-York._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | | + | The first number of which will be issued under date of April | + | 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will | + | endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the | + | country; and to that end has secured a | + | | + | VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS | + | | + | in various sections of the Union, while its columnists will | + | always be open to appropriate first-class literary and | + | artistic talent. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable news-dealers | + | who have the judgement to know a good thing when they see | + | it, or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. | + | Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed | + | him in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by | + | leading artist in the respective specialties. | + | | + | The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM | + | A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, | + | both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications can not be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance.........................$4.00 | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of | + | ten cents. | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper price, $2.50, for.................$5.50 | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper price $4, for.....$7.00 | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | (_For terms to Clubs, see 16th. page._) | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered to members residence for five cents each | + | delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR | + | | + | SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | SYPHER & CO., | + | | + | (SUCCESSORS TO D. MARLEY.) | + | | + | No. 557: Broadway, New-York, | + | | + | MODERN AND ANTIQUE | + | | + | FURNITURE, | + | BRONZES, | + | CHINA, | + | AND | + | | + | ARTICLES OF VERTU. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | American Buttonhole, Overseaming | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 563 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + |improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to all| + | the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + |$60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to| + | manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the market. | + |Machines warranted, and full instruction given to purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | BELMONT HOTEL. | + | | + | J.P. RICHARDS, Proprietor. | + | | + | DINING ROOMS. | + | | + | | + | Rooms 50c., 75c., and $1 per night. | + | | + | 133, 135, and 137 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | DOUGAN, | + | | + | PRACTICAL HATTER, | + | | + | 102 NASSAU STREET, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +PREFACE + +PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. No. 1. + +(Suggestion: "Take care of No. 1.") + +PUNCHINELLO TO THE PUBLIC, GREETING: + +His name, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will not be found a difficult one to +articulate. He flatters himself that it has a smack of grape-juice and +olives about it. It rhymes with "mellow," which naturally brings us to +"good fellow.". On occasions PUNCHINELLO can "bellow," cut a "tremendous +swell," O, and he never throws away a chance of pocketing the "yellow." +He would like to rhyme with "swallow;" but alas! it can not, can not be. + +And yet, in spite of (or perhaps on account of) PUNCHINELLO'S +mellifluous name, much cavil has been brought to bear upon him. (Prepare +to receive cavilry.) + +Squadrons of well-meaning persons with speaking-trumpets marched to and +fro before the sponsors of PUNCHINELLO, each roaring at them to stop +such a name as _that_, and attend to _his_ suggestion, and his only. + +One did not like PUNCHINELLO because it means a "little Punch," and +he--the speaking-trumpeter--liked a great deal; and lo! while he spoke, +he changed his trumpet for several horns. Then he was taken with a fit +of herpetology in his boots, and sank to advise no more. + +Another--a fellow with an infinite fancy for buffo minstrelsy--was +vociferous that PUNCHINELLO should be called "Tommy Dodd." The +discussion upon this lasted for three months; but finally, "Tommy Dodd" +was rejected on account of the superfluously aristocratic aroma that +exhaled from the name. + +Four divisions of men with banners then came by, each division +respectively composed of members of the waning families of Smith, Brown, +Jones, and Robinson, and each division bawled and thundered that the +name round which it rallied should be adopted instead of PUNCHINELLO, on +pain of death. + +And thousands of others came with suggestions of a like sort; for which +some of them wanted "stamps." And when they had all had their say, +PUNCHINELLO was called PUNCHINELLO, and nothing else--a name by which he +means to stand or fall. + +And now to business. PUNCHINELLO is not going to define his position +here. He refrains from boring his readers with prolix gammon about his +foreign and domestic relations. He will content himself (and readers, he +hopes) by briefly mentioning that he has foreign and domestic relations +in every part of the habitable globe, and that they each and all furnish +him with correspondence of the most reliable and spicy character, +regularly and for publication. Among his foreign relations he is happy +to reckon M. MEISSONNIER, the celebrated French artist, to whom he is +indebted for the original painting from which PUNCHINELLO, as he appears +on his own title-page, is taken. + +A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of great +humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress. +PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these +with a light finger. (No allusion, here, to the "light-fingered gentry," +for whom PUNCHINELLO keeps a large grape vine in pickle.) + +PUNCHINELLO observes the incipient tendency to return to specie +payments. To this revival, however, he is not as yet prepared to give +his adhesion, though, on the whole, he considers it preferable to +relapsing fever, which is also noted on 'Change. Cuba shall have her due +share of attention from him. And if She-Cuba, (Queen of the Antilles, +you know,) why not also He-Cuba?--lovely and preposterous woman, who, +from her eagerness to slip on certain habiliments that are masculine, +but shall here be nameless, shall henceforth be appropriately +distinguished by that name. + +Let other important topics take care of themselves. PUNCHINELLO will +only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers +than _habeas corpus_, and that he means to take the gloss off the grim +joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York." + +It is pleasant for PUNCHINELLO to draw the attention of his readers to +the fact that this, his First Number, is dated April 2d--the day after +All Fools' Day. This is cheering; since thus it is manifest that +PUNCHINELLO leaves all the fools and jesters behind, and is, therefore, +first in the race for the crown of comic laurel and the quiver of +satiric shafts. + +And now, by DAN PHOEBUS!--that's the DAN (ah!) that drives the _Sun_, you +know, and is the biggest spot upon it--here we find that we have talked +ourself all the way to DELMONICO'S, and there's CHARLEY on the lookout. + +_Punchinello:_ "Good evening, Mr. DELMONICO; have you any room for us?" + +_Delmonico:_ "You are very welcome, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and your rooms are +quite ready; for we have been expecting you ever so long. Of course, +your staff of artists can be accommodated in our Drawing-room, if you +will permit me to throw off so insignificant a joke." + +_Punchinello:_ "Tut, CHARLES!--'tis a joke of the first water, (first +brandy-and-water, CHARLES.) Cap your joke with another as good, and then +consider yourself on our staff. Lead us to our apartments, CHARLES." + +And so, looking from his pleasant Fifth Avenue windows, PUNCHINELLO +waves a salutation to his audience with a "May you be happy, each and +all of you, and live all your days in clover," (admission ten cents.) + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S NEW CHARTER. + +THE GREAT PLATFORM OF THE RINGS. + + The Lions and the Lambs lie down together, + While the "Sun" stands still. + + +The People of the State of New-York, represented by PUNCHINELLO and his +troop of admirers, hereby enact: + +§ 1. All the offices now provided by law with within the City and County +of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag; + +§ 2. It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of the Central Park to +devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of +poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the +grab-bag. + +§ 3. HORACE GREELEY, PETER COOPER, the Rev. Dr. THOMPSON, DANIEL DREW, +and REDDY THE BLACKSMITH, are hereby constituted Inspectors and +Canvassers for the grabbers. + +§ 4. It shall be the duty of the said inspectors to prepare a +registry-list of all the persons intending to grab, who are required to +serve a notice of intention through the post-office upon REDDY THE +BLACKSMITH, the Chairman. DANIEL DREW is to provide funds wherewith to +pay the postage. + +§ 5. The registry-list shall be alphabetically prepared, and the number +of chances shall be determined by dividing the number of grabbers by the +number of offices. + +§ 6. The grabbers shall be selected by lot. + +§ 7. The lots shall be drawn by REDDY THE BLACKSMITH from his own hat, +his eyes wide open, while every other inspector, and the voters, shall +be blindfolded with newspapers from the files of the _Christian Union_; +whereupon, as the names of the fortunate grabbers are called, each one +shall proceed to the grab-bag and grab his office. + +§ 8. There shall be no repeaters of the process. + +§ 9. The persons thus grabbing offices shall be then and there, by the +Inspectors, declared duly elected to the offices grabbed, for life. + +§ 10. Any vacancy occurring by assassination shall be immediately filled +by the Inspectors appointing the assassin. + +§ 11. Every person owning real estate on the Island shall contribute one +ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following +Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the +Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable +contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided +among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted +to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement. + +§ 12. Owners of real estate in the city of New York are hereby allowed +to make their own arrangements with the gas companies for the supply of +light; but nothing herein shall be construed to devote any part of the +proceeds to light the public streets at night and real estate owners +shall be allowed to make their own arrangements for the supply of water +with the grab income-bents of the Croton Grab Board. + +§ 13. The sewers of the city shall be converted to burial places for +persons assassinated at political meetings. + +§ 14. Nothing herein contained shall be so construed as to permit any +judge to grant an injunction against any grabbers of the offices. + +§ 15. The "dead-beats," heretofore known as policemen and soldiers of +the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall be +a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a +six-shooter. + +§ 16. All provisions of the United States or State constitutions +inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed. + + * * * * * + +From Gertrude of Wyoming. + +Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does not +follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the +women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally +supply the family linen. + + * * * * * + +SURE TO BE LOST AT C.--Signor LEFRANC's voice, if he continues to +recklessly strain it with his chest C. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE FAMILY. + +As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be extended into +all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. Every +other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes, +cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts; and PUNCHINELLO, +intending to offer the most advantages, expects to become so necessary +to the economical housewife and the prudent bread-winner that no family +will be able to do without him. So, with no further prologue, we will +present our readers with some valuable hints in regard to the use that +can be made of things that often lie about the house gathering +dust--idle clutter and of no service to any body. The first hint, we +know, if followed up, will be found of the greatest advantage to all, +yielding great measure of convenience at little cost. Take a wide +board--as wide as you can get it--and as long as it will cut without +cracks or knotholes, and saw the ends off square. Then bore four large +holes in the corners, and insert the ends of four sticks, each about +three feet long. Place it upon the floor, so that the board will be +supported by the sticks, thus: + +[Illustration] + +This contrivance will be found very useful for various purposes. It will +do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any +other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household +objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to +serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. If on such +occasions it be covered with a white linen or cotton cloth, its +appearance will be much improved, and in time it can not fail to become +a favorite article of furniture. + +The next hint will please the ladies. Take two pieces of cotton or +woolen cloth, of any size from two inches to a foot square, and sew them +together at the edges, leaving, however, a small place unsewed at one +corner. You will now find that you have something like a square bag. +This is to be tightly filled with wool, bran, mowings, clippings of +human hair, or something of the kind, and the open corner is then to be +sewed up. When finished, the affair will assume this appearance and will +be found very useful for the preservation of pins. The manner of using +it is as follows: you take the pin in the hand and firmly press it into +the bag, when it will be found that the body of the pin will easily +enter, but that the head will prevent its entire disappearance. The +stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight +degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious +little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always +hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more +economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the +pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. The top and +corners can be ornamented _à discrétion_. + +[Illustration] + +Hint the third is especially addressed to country families. Take one of +the ordinary toilet-tables that are to be found in so many rural +habitations, and, on removing the white cover, you will probably find +that the table is formed of an empty flour-barrel with a board nailed on +top of it. Remove this board; get a head from another barrel of the same +size; place it properly upon the top; put some good hoops around the +ends, nail it all up tightly, and you will find that you will have a +very good barrel. + + * * * * * + +Founded upon Fact. + +Why is BRENTANO like a hardware man? + +Because he keeps _Tomahawks_ for sale. + + * * * * * + +Definition by an Envious Wood-Engraver. + +ZINCALI--Artists who draw on zinc plates. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN AGGRAVATED CASE. + +_Man with Muffler_. "IT ISN'T THE FACT OF THE SORE THROAT I MIND SO MUCH +AS THE SUSPICION THAT I CAUGHT IT FROM THAT BEASTLY SNOB, BURLAPS, WHO +OCCUPIES THE ROOMS OPPOSITE."] + + * * * * * + +Truly Noble. + +We have been requested to publish the following letter: + +NEW-YORK, March 1, 1870. + +TO THE PATRIOTS HAVING CHARGE OF THE MONUMENT TO VICTOR NOIR: + +GENTLEMEN: I honor the brave! I am of America, American! I import from +bleeding France her brandy, her champagne, her claret, her olives, and +her sardines. I dispose of them at 1108 Lispenard street, New-York, +where my peculiar facilities enable me to offer unusual inducements to +the trade! I am with you and against tyrants! _Vive la freedom!_ I +inclose seven francs as a contribution to the monument! D.E.D. BEHTE. + + * * * * * + +Perennius Ære. + +In view of the recent long and luminous discourse by a distinguished +United States Senator upon the subject of the funding bill, it is +respectfully suggested that a part of the amount to be saved to the +nation by this financial scheme shall be devoted to the erection of a +"palace lifting to eternal SUMNER!" + + * * * * * + +A Question for Ben Butler's Nurse. + +Was the honorable member from Massachusetts _really_ born with a silver +spoon in his _mouth_? + + * * * * * + +The Witch and the Switch. + +Fashionable women are like the conventional school-mistress--they +believe in the switch. + + * * * * * + +Naughty. + +When did the people send a cipher to the State Senate? When they sent +NORT-on there. + + * * * * * + +THE MARINER'S WRONGS. + +Within the memories of men who are not yet old, the sailor was always +looked upon and talked about as "a jolly dog." There was a glamour of +romance about him when he was at sea, and "JACK ashore" was for ages +held up as the presentment of all that was happy, and contented, and +free from care. His hardest duty was supposed to be shinning up the +ratlin to "reef," or "brail up," or "splice the mainbrace," or do some +other of those mysterious things that caused him to look so mythical to +the minds of land-lubbers and the simple-hearted kind of women that used +to be, but now no longer are. His lighter hours (about eighteen out of +the twenty-four) were passed in terpsichorean performances on the +"fo'k'sl," and were so fascinating to the shorey mind that music was +specially composed for them, and the "Sailor's Hornpipe" is one of the +scourges inflicted upon mortals, for their sins, by barrel-organists at +the present day. Grog was dealt out to him by the gallon, and, as for +"backy," the light-hearted fellow was never allowed to suffer for want +of _that_; so that his happiness may be said to have been complete. + +Things are sadly changed, now, with regard to poor JACK. Every day we +read of outrageous assaults upon him with marline-spikes and other +perverted marine stores, by brutal skippers and flagitious mates, whose +proper end would be the yard-arm and the rope's end. All belaying-pin +and no pay has made JACK a dull boy. His windpipe refuses to furnish the +whilom exhilarating tooraloo for his hornpipe. Silent are the "yarns" +with which he used to while away the time when off his watch and +huddling under the lee of the capstan with his messmates. And then, when +he comes ashore, it is only to be devoured by the sharks that lie in +wait for him and drag him away bodily to their obscene "boarding-house" +dens. + +Once on a time JACK, when in dock, used to make holiday of it on Sunday. +He looked as gay as a tobacconist's sign when rigged out in his best +blue for a lark ashore, where he was occasionally to be seen on +horseback with a row of his jovial messmates, all of them sitting with +their backs to the horse's head, and the sternmost of them steering the +bewildered animal by his tail. Now there seems to be a movement to cut +off from JACK even the holiday to which he is surely entitled. The +captain of a bark, lying at San Francisco, has lately stopped wages, to +the amount of sixty-five dollars, from a seaman, because the latter +refused to assist in discharging cargo on Sunday. Blue has, in one +sense, always been JACK's favorite color; but if this sort of thing goes +on much further, he must become bluer than ever, and his cheerless +condition will be such that he will not have a cheer left to shake the +welkin with when he helps to man the yards. + + * * * * * + +Postal. + +Frankly speaking, can Senator REVEL's letters be called _Blackmail_? + + * * * * * + +Propagandism. + +Ancient Rome was saved by a proper goose; modern Rome by a proper +gander. + + * * * * * + +The Sheriff's party tell us that they are always "watch"ful in the +interest of the tax-payers. So they should be, for don't they own the +most "repeaters"? + + * * * * * + +The Plays and Shows. + +HAMLET--WITH A YELLOW WIG. + +The poet--his name is of no consequence--has defined the evening as + +"The close of the day when the HAMLET is still." + +Evidently he was a bucolic, and not a metropolitan poet. Otherwise he +would have remembered that the close of the day, or, to speak with +mathematical accuracy, the hour of eight P.M., is precisely the time +when the HAMLET of a well-regulated theatrical community begins to make +himself vocally prominent. A few nights since, we had no less than three +HAMLETS propounding at the same time the unnecessary question, whether +to be or not to be is the correct thing. The serious HAMLET of the eagle +eye, and the burlesque HAMLET of the vulpine nose, are with us yet; but +the rival of the latter, the HAMLET of the taurine neck, has gone to +Boston, where his wiggish peculiarity will he better appreciated than it +was in this Democratic city. + +The late Mr. WEGG prided himself upon being a literary man--with a +wooden leg. Mr. FECHTER aspires to be a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Mr. +WEGG had this advantage over Mr. FECHTER, that his literary ability did +not wholly depend upon his ligneous leg. Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET, on the +contrary, owes its existence solely to his wig. The key to his +popularity must he sought in his yellow locks. + +There are, it is true, meritorious points in Mr. FECHTER'S Dane. One is +his skill in fencing; another, the fact that he finally suffers himself +to be killed. Unfortunately, this latter redeeming incident takes place +only in the last scene of the play, and the Fat Prince has therefore +abundant previous opportunity to mar the superb acting of Miss LECLERCQ. +Why this admirable artist did not insist that her OPHELIA should receive +a better support than was furnished by Messrs. BANGS, LEVICK, and +FECHTER, at Niblo's Garden, is an insoluble mystery. She must have +perceived the absurdity of drowning herself for a Prince--fair, fat, and +faulty--who refused to give her a share of his "loaf," and denied, with +an evident eye to a possible breach of promise suit, that he had given +her any "bresents." + +That Mr. FECHTER speaks English imperfectly is, however, the least of +his defects. If he could not speak at all, his audience would have +reason for self-congratulation. We might, too, forget that he is an +obese, round-shouldered, short-necked, and eminently beery HAMLET, with +a tendency to speak through his nose. But how can we overlook his +incapacity to express the subtle changes of HAMLET'S ever questioning +mind? One of his admirers has recently quoted RUSKIN in his support. MR. +FECHTER gives no heed to RUSKIN'S axiom, that all true art is delicate +art. There is no delicacy in his conception of HAMLET. True, he is +impulsive and sensitive; but this is due to his physical and not to his +mental organization. A HAMLET without delicacy is quite as intolerable a +spectacle as a _Grande Duchesse_ without decency. + +What, then, has given him his reputation? The answer is evident;--His +yellow wig. NAPOLEON gilded the dome of the _Invalides_, and the +Parisians forgot to murmur at the arbitrary acts of his reign. Mr. +FECHTER crowns himself with a golden wig, and the public forgets to +murmur at the five acts of his HAMLET. + +In all other respects Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET is inferior to that of his +rival Mr. FOX. It is not nearly as funny, and it is much less +impressive. Both actors are wrong, however, in not omitting the +graveyard scene. To make a burlesque of Death is to unlawfully invade +the province of Messrs. BEECHER and FROTHINGHAM. + +The popularity of Mr. FECHTER is only a new proof of the potency of +yellow hair. It is the yellow hair of the British blonde, joined to that +kindliness of disposition with which--like a personification of +Charity--she "bareth all things," that makes her a thing of beauty in +the eyes of R.G.W., and a joy for as many seasons as her hair will keep +its color. It is because Mr. FECHTER decided that the hair presumptive +of the Royal Dane must have been yellow, that his name has grown famous +in England. + +The veracious chronicler relates that, on one occasion, Mr. VENUS +deprived his literary friend with a wooden leg of that useful appendage. +But that act of constructive mayhem did not destroy Mr. WEGG'S literary +reputation. Can MR. FECHTER'S HAMLET endure an analogous test? If he has +confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a +change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of +hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET +with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than simply +a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Until then we shall be constrained to class +him with the other blonde burlesquers. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +WHAT THE PRESS IS EXPECTED TO SAY OF US. + + +There is no trash in this paper.--_Literary Standard_. + +PUNCHINELLO is a perfect beauty, and good as beautiful.--_Moralist_. + +--a most suitable companion for our walks and meditations.--_Casuist_. + +PUNCHINELLO pays beautifully.--_Cash Account_. + +--just the thing for our mothers-in-law.--_Domestic-Hearth_. + +--its wisdom and learning are equally remarkable.--_College Club_. + +PUNCHINELLO deserves to be styled A Brick.--_Midnight Male_. + +--the most irreproachable thing going; and every man who does not buy a +copy for himself, every week, and another for his wife, with one for +each of his children, is a brute.--_Plain Speaker_. + +--bully.--_Western Grazier_. + +--knows beans.--_Horticulturist_. + +--up to snuff.--_Market Reporter_. + +--cock of the walk.--_Prairie Chicken_. + +--perfectly lovely.--_Ladies' Voice_. + +--read it, try to parse it, and then set it to music and sing +it.--_Yankee Teacher_. + +--the thing we dreamed of, longed for, sighed for, and paid +for.--_Public at Large_. + + * * * * * + +A Walking Fish. + +The Walk in life of Mr. Secretary of State FISH, considering him as a +private individual, has hitherto been irreproachable. Nevertheless, his +walk might be much improved by President GRANT, if the latter would only +teach him to Walk Spanish. + + * * * * * + +"Hole-in-the-Day." + +It is stated, though on what authority we are unable to say, that the +Philadelphia _Day_ is printed on straw paper made from the surplus +straw-hats that formed an item of a notorious government contract +negotiated during the war. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MESMERISM IN WALL STREET. + +_First Lady Broker, (entrancing subject.)_ "THERE, I'VE GOT HIM TO THE +POINT NOW. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, QUICK." + +_Commodore V-nd-rb-lt, (murmurs.)_ "SELL ME ONE THOUSAND SHARES +CENTRAL." + +_Second Lady Broker._ "BOOKED!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF CAPTAIN EYRE, + +OF THE PACIFIC AND ORIENTAL STEAMSHIP "BOMBAY." + + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed, + When I sailed; + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed; + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, a true British snob, I swear, + Who for Yankees didn't care, as I sailed. + + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed, + Ere I sailed; + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed; + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, that JOHN BULL his fingers snaps + At the "cussed Yankee chaps," ere I sailed. + + So I steered across the seas, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + I steered across the seas, as I sailed; + I steered across the seas, and swilled my hale at hease; + I was master, "if you please," as I sailed. + + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed; + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, and wore her colors too, + Like a British sailor true, as I sailed. + + Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed; + Off the shore of far Japan, I a Yankee ship did scan, + That with helm a-starboard ran, as I sailed. + + A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed; + A curse rose to my lip as on the Yankee ship + Through the darkness I did slip, as I sailed. + + And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed; + Ay, I ran the Yankee down, and I left the dogs to drown, + While to Yokohama town on I sailed. + + They say they showed a light, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + They say they showed a light, as I sailed; + They say they showed a light, to tell their hopeless plight, + But "I served them bloody right," as I sailed! + + For my name is Captain EYRE, as I sail, + As I sail; + My name is Captain EYRE, as I sail; + For my name is Captain EYRE, and it's d-----d absurd, I swear, + That for Yankees I should care, as I sail! + + * * * * * + +"Arcades Ambo." + +As there seem to be some disorganizing elements just now at work in the +ancient and honorable order of the Knights of Pythias, might it not be +well for them to compromise by a fraternal secession of the discontented +spirits, who could form a kindred order under the title of the Deys of +Damon? + + * * * * * + +USEFUL MATERIAL FOR FANCY CLOG-DANCERS--Sandal-wood. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: + +March 4, 1869. +A GIANT AMONG THE PIGMIES. + +March 4, 1870. +A PIGMY AMONG THE GIANTS.] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET. + +That it is not PUNCHINELLO'S intention to overlook Wall street, may be +absolutely taken at par. To look over Wall street is quite another +matter, and P. knows how to do it to a T. Many a time at midnight, from +his perch on the tip of the spire of Old Trinity, (a tip-top point from +which to look over Wall street--you see the point?) has PUNCHINELLO +beheld the ghosts of dead speculations floating hopelessly through the +murky air. It could not be said of them that there was "no speculation +in those eyes." The ghost of a dead speculation was never so utterly +damned, the eyes of a ghost of a dead speculation were never so +absolutely dimmed, but that speculation of some kind might be discerned +fluttering like a mummy-cloth from the shadowy outline of the former, +and gleaming feebly from the gloomy goggles of the latter. Gleam on, +poor ghosts! Goggle while you may, and gibber. PUNCHINELLO watches you +with interest, (25 per cent.,) as you are weighed down to the very dirt +of The Street by the night-fog of Despair, flapping your wings on a very +small "margin," as if attempting vainly to "operate for a rise." Go +down, poor ghosts; repair to your incandescent place below, for there is +no hope for you. As we sit here upon our spire, we can not say to you, +_Dum spiramus speramus_. Alas! no. We would like to do so, of course; +but our sense of truth revolts against the enunciation of such a +taradiddle. + +Soon after daylight has been fully turned on, it is the wont of +PUNCHINELLO to descend from his perch on the church, (rhyme,) and roam +waywardly and invisibly among the denizens who occupy the dens of The +Street. He knows all the ins and outs of the place, and has long been +disgustingly familiar with its ups and downs. Gently has he dabbled in +stocks, and no modern operator is half so conversant an he is with the +juggles of the Stock Exchange. PUNCHINELLO, though as fresh and frisky, +in mind and body, as a kid on a June morning, is older than he chooses +to let every body know. Bless you all, readers dear! he was by when the +Tulip Mania was hatched, (mixed figure,) and it was he who punctured the +great South Sea Bubble, and sent it on a burst. Ha! ha! he-e-e!--how he +laughs when he recurs to those days of the long, long ago, with their +miserable little swindles, no better than farthing candles, (allowable +rhyme,) and their puny dodges devised for flagellating LUCIFER round a +stump. + +Just think of a lot of fellows pretending to play at Tulipmaniacs +bolting Bubble-and-squeak, and not a jockey among them all had ever +heard of "puts" and "calls." Deuce a one of them know a "corner" from a +cockatrice's egg, and if you had mentioned a "scoop" to the most +intelligent of them, he'd have sworn that you had been and gone and +swallowed a Scandinavian dictionary. (N.B. In this application the nave +in Scandinavian might properly be spelt with a k.) Ah! yes, yes: +What-d'ye-call him was wide-awake when he remarked to Thingumbob that +"the world _does move_." + +How strong the contrast to PUNCHINELLO as he glides, invisible, to and +fro among the bulls and bears on 'Change, observing the "modern +instances" of their improved manner of doing business, and taking all +their devices into the corner of his brightest eye! (The only safe +"corner" _he_ knows of on The Street.) How he chuckles as he observes +the ways of 'em--sees a bear selling that which he hasn't, and a bull +buying that which he doesn't want--all "on a margin" and to "settle +regular," of course. Bless you! children of the modern Mammon. Go in and +win, or lose if you find it more exciting. Learn to control finances, if +you would fain grow to be good men and contribute hereafter good men to +the taxable population. Proceed with your virtuous transactions on +'Change. Never mind each other's toes; they who have corns must not care +for being cornered. (Meant playfully.) Inflate the market with your +heavy purchases. Blow the market, and "corner the shorts." Be a "bear," +if you will; and when you play at "bull," remember the frog in the +fable, who would be an ox, and went on inflating until he burst. + +You bloated stockmonger there, with your hands in your pockets and your +eye on the mean chance, what care you how much capital is represented by +certificates issued? "That's played out," you say? You know it is, you +slimy salamander, and so does PUNCHINELLO. You know that by the use of +convertible bonds capital can be increased or diminished _ad infinitum_. +Loan your millions to Erie, to save it from destruction or the Sheriff, +(synonymous terms,) and you will derive sweet consolation from the +consciousness of your power to add or diminish at will. + +Look at the "Great Waterer." When he chose to "snake away" Erie from its +friends, and make it tributary to New-York Central, the printing-press +was at work--a fact which he did not discover until he had paid out ten +millions. Then the foreigners purchased ream after ream of certificates +to control Erie, and to-day their stock is declared not worth a row of +pins, owing to the piles of money swallowed by the afflictive suits on +the stamped certificates. + +Observe SNIGGER and SNAGGER, too; mark the goings and comings of these +partners in business and iniquity. How regularly they have kept swearing +that their business never paid, and yet their dividends always increased +when they wished to distribute their stock. + +And here is one who--more audacious, far, than King CANUTE of old--would +control even the ocean. This man starts a Pacific Mail with a capital of +ten millions, increases the amount to twenty millions, and swears it is +worth thirty. Then he "puts his foot in it" and shows the knave in his +deal, (dealings--jocular,) by selling the stock at thirty-five. + +This from PUNCHINELLO, as he looks over The Street--and through it--from +his lofty pinnacle. Don't strain your precious eyes and necks in +fruitless endeavors to discover him there, since he can make himself +invisible at will. But listen, ye men of The Street, with all your ears, +(Erie,) and you will hear a solemn chant like unto that of the _muezzin_ +from the minaret. 'Tis the voice of PUNCHINELLO wafting sonorously from +his tower the instructive moral-- + + "Whoe'er sells stocks as isn't his'n, + Must pay up or go to pris'n." + + * * * * * + +A New Conglomerate Pavement. + +It was well said by a saucy Frenchman, "that England had fifty religions +but only one sauce." Paraphrasing this loosely, we may say of New-York, +that she has a dozen different pavements and deuce a good one. There was +the "Russ," on which the horses used to be "let slide," but couldn't +trot; the "Belgian," of dubious repute; the "Nicholson," which, from its +material, must have been invented by "Nick of the Woods;" the +"Mouse-trap," set to catch other things than mice; the "Fiske," a +pavement pitched in altogether too high a key to be pleasant; The +"Stafford," the "Stow," and several others which it would be painful to +enumerate here. Why doesn't the daily press look lively, and devise a +better pavement than any of these? There's STONE, of the _Journal of +Commerce_; WOOD, of the _News_; MARBLE, of the _World_; and BRICK, of +the _Democrat_. Let them put their heads together and give us a good +conglomerate. + + * * * * * + +A Hopeful Anticipation. + +Now that the darkeys are about to take part in national legislation, we +shall probably be able to negrotiate a postal treaty with France. + + * * * * * + +On one Drowned. + +He left a large circle, etc.! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHY WITH CUBA. + +_Enthusiastic Sympathizer._ "What I say is, we _must_ have our cigars; +and _therefore_, Cuba _must_ be ours."] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S LYRICS. + +No. 1. + + Ho! I am the jolly repeater, + And I train with the magical band, + Who the legerdemain of the ballot + With the skill of a wizard command. + + Once a year every poll I explore, + Honest voting is Greenland to me; + Free suffrage is ever my motto, + To my amnesty judges agree. + + The trickster inspector I loathe, sir! + Or the canvasser's pencils that thieve; + Voting early and often is nobler + Than ballots to change from one's sleeve. + + No eight hours' labor I ask for, + Votes from sunrise to sunset I cast; + They are bread on political waters, + And my sinecures follow them fast. + + WILLIAM B. and his millionaire crew + Will only vote once, sir; while I + (Who to scorn laugh the honest assessors) + Plump a score to their one--on the sly! + + Who asks for my name? I repeat it-- + Ho! the jolly repeater am I; + Each book of the registry knows me, + And I'm now in the market--Who'll buy? + +(The above may be sung _da capo_, which is Italian for "repeat.") + + * * * * * + +Music and Morals in Chicago. + +The _Marriage of Figaro_ did not interest the Chicago people when it was +produced in that peculiar city. Had it been called the "Divorce of +Figaro," it would have aroused their warmest admiration. + + * * * * * + +MR. GREELEY'S AIDS TO LITERARY EFFORT. + +On the general principle that "no one is a hero to his valet," not even +a valetudinarian, it may be safely asserted that the divinity that doth +hedge most great writers is lost the moment their admirers become +acquainted with their habits of thought and methods of composition. The +popular delusion that H.G. "knows every thing" is calculated to work +indefinite injury to some modest men who are supposed to "know +something." GREELEY'S mind, like a _camera obscura_, may be said to +retain its impressions while in the dark, and to lose them when exposed +to the light. He has never, to any extent, heeded the scriptural +injunction against walking in darkness, which explains why so many +_Tribune_ readers are in the dark concerning the truth and justice of +popular questions. Consequently, as in the case of other great men, when +GREELEY'S mind becomes pregnant with a theme, moved to pity by the +neglected education and limited mental resources of many of his readers, +he repairs to one of his numerous literary lairs, and ransacks the pages +of the Past for plunder befitting his pen and party. When he is about to +write an editorial article on Protection, he invariably prepares his +mind by reading several chapters on the "Manly Art of Self-Defense," +which accounts for the wisdom and brilliancy displayed by him on the +subject of tariffs. In order to approach a discussion of the subject of +vegetarianism without prejudice, H.G. repairs to the wheezy WINDUST'S, +where, for hours at a time, he literally "crams" with his favorite dish +of pork and beans. The Amelioration of the condition of the Working +Classes is another favorite theme with GREELEY, and, in order to discuss +clearly and cogently the many phases and ramifications of this lively +and exciting topic, he devotes several hours to the study of "Idleness +as a Fine Art." Before writing a particularly funny or spirited article +upon Politics, the Fine Arts, or the Drama, H.G., it is said, may be +seen for several hours at the Astor Library, poring over BURTON'S +_Anatomy of Melancholy_. While in the throes of literary labor upon _The +Great Conflict_, he had numerous dogmatic discussions with Mr. KIT +BURNS, participated in several flights of the "fancy" to the +bird-battling haunts of New Jersey, and even pursued the ministers of +muscle to the scene of their bucolic pastimes in the P.R. It is, +perhaps, unnecessary to remark that Mr. GREELEY'S _Recollections of a +Busy Life_ were inspired almost directly by frequent collusion with the +pages of DE QUINCEY and COLERIDGE, whose wild lives and turbulent +experiences possess a peculiar charm for the Triton of the _Tribune_. +When Mr. GREELEY wishes to write against capital punishment--which he +does about every time the moon changes--he naturally turns over a few +pages of _Thirty Years in Washington_. When he purposes to tempt the +bounding bean of the kitchen garden of Chappaqua, or humble the hopeful +harrow of agriculture, he may be found either at the Italian Opera, +serenely sleeping under the soporific strains of _Sonnambula_, or at the +Circus, benignly blinking at the agglomerating Arabs. The inspiration +for that thrilling story in real life, entitled, _What I Know about +Farming_, is said to have been received almost wholly from the state of +somnolency induced by that clever clairvoyant, the Rev. Dr. CHAPIN. A +curious notion exists in the minds of a few ignorant persons, to the +effect that Mr. GREELEY vexes his mellow mind for essays on the +temperance question with frequent and numerous imbibitions of "soda +straight;" but it is high time that this popular error was exploded. All +who have seen Mr. GREELEY in the bar-room of a certain city hotel, +dashing down brandy or pouring down whisky, and have next morning +perused a Tribune editorial on "The Evils of Intemperance," need not be +reminded of the chief source of H.G.'s animated style and vigorous +diction. An extended walk along the beautiful avenues of the city, or a +drive through Central Park, invariably prepares Mr. GREELEY's mind for +the birth of an article on the advantages to young men of leaving the +metropolis and seeking homes in the West. Some months ago, Mr. GREELEY +purchased a small, select library, which contains, among other choice +works, the sweet pastoral productions of SYLVANUS COBB, Jr.; the quaint +and exhilarating narratives of EUGENE SUE; the wholesome and harmless +fictions of NED BUNTLINE, together with the complete poetical works of +MARTIN FARQUHAR TUPPER, and it was from the perusal of these comforting +and pellucid contributions to American literature that Mr. GREELEY +caught the spirit and the style which distinguish his thrilling work on +Political Economy. But something too much of this. We would not embitter +the life of Mr. GREELEY, at present, by any farther revelations, and +therefore we let the subject drop. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +At the opening, Senator SUMNER rose to a personal explanation. In fact, +he always does. He said that General PRIM had disowned having had any +thing to do with him upon the Cuban question. General PRIM was perfectly +correct. (Applause.) He did not know much about the Cuban question; but +he flattered himself that he was familiar with the gurreat purrinciples +of Eternal Justice, and he intended to apply them to the solution of all +our political problems. He said that Lord COKE had justly and eloquently +observed _de minimis non curat lex._ He thought this would apply to our +relations with the Island, where, although the sugar-cane lifts its +lofty top and the woodbine twineth, the accursed spirit of caste still +prevails. He begged to bring to the attention of the Senate and the +country the amended lines of the sacred poet: + + "What though the spicy breezes + Blow soft o'er Cuba's isle; + Though every prospect pleases, + And only man is vile?" + +The Senate would say with CICERO, _de non apparentious et non +existentibus, eadem est ratio_, and they would remember with reference +to the revolutionists of Cuba the great saying of Lord BACON, "Put a +beggar on horseback, and he will go to the Senate from Massachusetts." +Whatever the issue of the Cuban contest might be, he could lay his hand +upon his heart, and say with the Mantuan bard, "_Homo sum_." or, in the +language of our own Shakespeare, that which we call a rose by any other +name would smell as sweet. These were all the sentiments he could find +in his library which bore directly upon this subject. + +Senator SUMNER then introduced a bill to provide for the resumption of +specie payments. The bill sets forth that it shall hereafter be a felony +for any person to make tender of any thing other than gold and silver to +any person of African descent, in any of the States lately in rebellion. +In moving the bill, the senator said that its passage was imperatively +demanded by several negroes whom he knew, and that he would not consent +to deliver these helpless persons into the hands of their late masters +without some such guarantee as this bill furnished. He quoted from +ARISTOTLE, LOCKE, and BURKE to prove that classes liable to oppression +were apt to be oppressed. + +Senator TRUMBULL wished to know what that had to do with the resumption +of specie payments. + +Senator SUMNER considered the inquiry impertinent. The great principles +of justice were always in order. + +Senator GARRET DAVIS took the floor, and made a neat speech of three +days and a half in opposition to the bill. He said he was a Democrat, +and he always had been a Democrat. The founders of the republic would +weep if they could see what the government had come to. What would CLAY +and CALHOUN have said to seeing such men as his honorable friend from +Nevada (Mr. NYE) and himself in the Senate? If he might be permitted to +infringe upon the domain of the senator from Massachusetts, he would +quote Shakspeare, "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between +heaven and earth?" (Loud applause.) At the close of Mr. DAVIS'S speech +his friends came in from WELCKER'S, and congratulated him on having got +through. Exhausted nature made the Senate adjourn. + + +HOUSE. + +After some general sparring, of which a set to between Mr. GARFIELD and +Mr. HAIGHT formed the most conspicuous feature, the cadetship question +came up. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he never had sold any cadetships. +Mr. LOGAN wished to know who said he had. Mr. VOORHEES remarked that Mr. +LOGAN was another. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he had appointed the son +of a constituent, and that subsequently to the appointment he had taken +a drink at the expense and the request of the constituent. He always +took his straight, and the cost to his constituent was only fifteen +cents. Which one of his colleagues would have acted otherwise? (Voices, +"Not one.") + +Mr. BUTLER denounced the course of Mr. VOORHEES. For his part, he saw no +impropriety in selling cadetships or any thing else. What do gentlemen +suppose that cadetships exist for, if it is not for the emolument of +congressmen? He considered his patronage as a part of his perquisites. +This had been the guiding principle of his life, alike in his military +and his political career. He considered the action of Mr. VOORHEES to be +an act of deliberate treachery to this House. If he accepted a pitiful +drink in return for his official influence, he was guilty of a gross +offense in cheapening the price of patronage. A cadetship was worth $500 +if it was worth a cent. If, on the other hand, he gave his cadetship +away, his conduct was even more culpable; for other congressmen might be +weak enough to follow his baleful example, and the market would be +broken down. He advocated the formation of a Congressional Labor Union +to determine the value of these appointments, and to expel all members +who took less than the standard rate. This was what was done in other +branches of business, and if his colleagues wished to be like him, the +little busy B.F.B., and improve each shining hour, this is what they +would do. + +And then the House adjourned. + + * * * * * + +READY-MADE EPITAPHS. + +On a Departed Clown. + +Though lost to sight, to mummery dear. + +On a Faithful Book-keeper. + +Posted up. + + * * * * * + +Wring the Belles. + +American belles ought to make good housewives, because they put up with +little or no waist. + + * * * * * + +To whom it may Concern. + +Persons who take music by the wholesale are informed that they can +procure it of the street organ-grinders, who dispose of it by the +Barrel. + + * * * * * + +Voice in the Air. + +"What is honor? Air."--Sir JOHN FALSTAFF. + +"What is dishonor? EYRE."--Every body. + + * * * * * + +The "Cumming" Man. + +The "sensation" editor of the _Sun_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BLAG YER BOOTS, MISTER!"] + + * * * * * + +A Huge Sell. + +The appointing to cadetships at West-Point. + + * * * * * + +The Most Religious Editor in New-York. + +C.A. DANA--because every week-day is observed as a _"Sun"_ day by him. + + * * * * * + +A Good General Idea. + +A neat practical joke was that perpetrated by one of our contributors, +who, having been requested to bring us "something pat," walked into our +office a day or two after with a couple of Fenian generals in tow. + + * * * * * + +A Happy Thought. + +The Elevated Railway is worked by means of what is known to engineers as +an "endless rope." Might it not be well to work the murderers and +robbers of New-York on the same principle? + + * * * * * + +Abnormal. + +One of the strangest anomalies in color known is to be observed at +Mobile and other places on the Southern coast, where black men are +frequently Bay pilots. + + * * * * * + +KING OAKEY THE FIRST, OF IRELAND. + +BY ALDERMAN ROONEY. + + HOORAH! the dawn begins to break, + Ould Ireland's sons at last awake, + And from their sowls the shackles shake + That long have kept them under. + Arise, then, brave Phoenicians all, + Obey your noble gineral's call; + From off the steps of City Hall + You hear his voice of thunder! + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + To take ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Go rowl the news across the say, + Of how we spint the glorious day, + A hundred thousand on Broadway, + And more upon the Island. + Go tell the lords in Parlamint, + Of how Saint PATRICK'S day was spint, + And see if they don't reduce the rint + On every fut of dry land. + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + To take ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Go tell them how you raised the flag, + The green above their crimson rag, + And should they talk of Yankee brag, + We'll tache them how to rue it. + Go tell them how all day you stud, + Wid both your nate feet in the mud, + As if it had been Saxon blood + And you wor fightin' thro' it! + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + Who've tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man. + And make you King of Ireland! + + Your innimies say you're not sincere, + Nor care a straw for Irish here, + Unless whin 'lection time is near, + And Irish votes are wanted. + But don't you throuble yourself at all, + We'll drive your innimies to the wall; + We know you better, OAKEY HALL, + Than take sich stuff for granted. + + No! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + Who've tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + They say you want to be Mayor once more, + And after that, to be Governore-- + As if you wouldn't be needed before, + To lade the Faynians over. + And they say you raise this hullabaloo, + 'Bout Ireland's wrongs, and Cuba's too, + That Irish fools might cotton to you, + And you might sit in clover. + + But no! for OAKEY, you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Oh! no; we are not so aisy schooled, + By slanders bought wid Saxon goold; + They'll find, who think us so aisy fooled, + How much they underrate us. + Then up, mavrone! and take your stand, + The layder of the Faynian band, + And King you'll soon be of the land + Of shamrogues and potatoes! + + Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland. + + So, good Saint PATRICK, bless the day + Whin Gineral HALL will march away, + Across the deep and briny say, + My country's bonds to sever; + And bless him whin he goes ashore. + And whin he walks in British gore, + And whin he's Ireland's King asthore, + Oh! may he live forever. + + Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + An' you'll be King of all her lan', + King OAKEY First, of Ireland. + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE MAKING | + | | + | GREAT REDUCTIONS | + | | + | In the Prices of the Goods | + | | + | IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS | + | | + | OF THEIR | + | | + | Retail Establishment, | + | | + | NAMELY, | + | | + | Silks, Satins, Velvets, Dress Goods, | + | Laces, Embroideries, Real | + | India Camel's Hair Shawls, | + | | + | Ladies', Misses', and Children's | + | Walking-Suits, Reception-Dresses, | + | Morning-Robes, Undergarments. | + | Infants' Wardrobes, | + | | + | Gentlemen's Furnishing Goods of every | + | Description, | + | | + | Housekeeping and House-furnishing | + | Goods, Linens, Sheetings, Damasks, | + | Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins, | + | Towels, Towelings, | + | Blankets, Flannels, | + | Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats, | + | Rugs, English and American | + | Oil-Cloths, | + | | + | Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles, | + | Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured | + | Cotelaines, Striped Reps, | + | Furniture Chintzes, | + | | + | Etc., Etc., Etc., | + | | + | _AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES._ | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Avenue and Tenth Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The cleverest novel of the season."--_Baltimore Gazette._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | _Nos. 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,_ | + | | + | HAVE NOW READY | + | | + | _A New Edition_ | + | | + | OF | + | | + | Red as a Rose is She. | + | | + | By the author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | _From the Boston Traveller._ | + | | + | "After reading such a work, one can no more read an ordinary | + | book than one could enjoy a lunch on dry bread immediately | + | after having dined on Curry and Chili, washed down with | + | burnt brandy." | + | | + | _From the Baltimore Gazette._ | + | | + | "The cleverest novel of the season. The characters are few, | + | but remarkably well drawn; the dialogue fresh, crisp, and | + | sparkling, and the incidents thoroughly natural." | + | | + | _From the Cincinnati Chronicle._ | + | | + | "There is a singular freshness about this novel, often a | + | quaint originality of expression, always a smooth rippling | + | of words not without ideas, of seed thoughts, many of which | + | are well worth cherishing, and which may germinate and grow | + | in the reader's mind long after he has forgotten that 'Red | + | as a Rose is She,' and has ceased to wonder as to who is the | + | author who has so pleasantly entertained him." | + | | + | | + | D. Appleton & Co. | + | | + | PUBLISH, BY THE SAME AUTHOR, | + | | + | _COMETH UP AS A FLOWER._ | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents. | + | | + | _NOT WISELY BUT TOO WELL._ | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents. | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | _Third Edition._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, | + | | + | Have now ready the Third Edition of | + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | From the New-York _Evening Express_. | + | | + | "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | + | breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | + | | + | From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | + | | + | "The author can and does write well, the descriptions of | + | scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and | + | never overstrained." | + | | + | D.A. & Co. have just published: | + | | + | A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, | + | ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | + | | + | By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS | + | ORDERS, WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE | + | MOST INTERESTING. | + | | + | By Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. | + | 8vo, $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND | + | CONSEQUENCES. | + | | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | | + | I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | | + | IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | + | | + | Price, 50 cents each. | + | | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _An Absolutely Pure Article._ | + | | + | | + | | + | THE | + | | + | KNICKERBOCKER | + | | + | Gin Company's | + | | + | WORLD-RENOWNED | + | | + | Double Distilled | + | | + | B. & V.'s "ANCHOR" BRAND | + | | + | OF | + | | + | PURE | + | | + | HOLLAND GIN, | + | | + | FROM THEIR OWN DISTILLERY AT | + | | + | LEIDEN, NEAR SCHIEDAM, HOLLAND. | + | | + | | + | This brand of liquor has obtained a great reputation, not | + | only in Holland but throughout Europe, where it has been | + | tested | + | | + | IN THE MOST CELEBRATED | + | | + | Chemical Institutions. | + | | + | | + | _MILLIONS OF GALLONS_ | + | | + | Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to | + | the | + | | + | EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND AFRICA, | + | | + | Where it is used | + | | + | In Preference to any other Brand known. | + | | + | | + | Orders will be received at their office, | + | | + | No. 15 William Street, | + | | + | For the above, and also for their other importations of | + | | + | WINES, | + | | + | BRANDIES, | + | | + | CIGARS, Etc., | + | | + | Which they guarantee as to | + | | + | _PURITY AND GENUINENESS._ | + | | + | | + | KNICKERBOCKER GIN CO., | + | | + | 15 William Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: LUCIFER INTERVIEWS THE MAYOR. + +_Mayor Hall_. "WANT YOUR PLACE PAVED, YOU SAY? CERTAINLY, SIR; HOW WILL +YOU HAVE IT DONE, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS OR WITH BROKEN PROMISES? WE CAN +SUPPLY YOU WITH EITHER AT THE CITY HALL."] + ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| WALTHAM WATCHES. | +| | +| 3-4 PLATE. | +| | +| _16 and 20 Sizes._ | +| | +| To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | +| devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | +| command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | +| beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of | +| mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | +| execution, these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | +| | +| In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | +| Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | +| | +| FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELERS. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| HENRY L. STEPHENS, | +| | +| ARTIST, | +| | +| No. 160 Fulton Street, | +| | +| NEW-YORK. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| Important to Newsdealers! | +| | +| ALL ORDERS FOR | +| | +| PUNCHINELLO | +| | +| Will be supplied by | +| | +| OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS, | +| | +| American News Co. | +| | +| NEW-YORK. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, +April 2, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 1, *** + +***** This file should be named 11177-8.txt or 11177-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/1/7/11177/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, April 2, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 20, 2004 [EBook #11177] +[Date last updated: December 22, 2005] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 1, *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p>"The Printing House of the United States."</p> + <p><big><b>GEO.F.NESBITT & CO.,</b></big></p> + <p>General <b>JOB PRINTERS,</b></p> + <p>BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.</p> + <p><b>163, 165,167,</b> and <b>169</b> PEARL ST.,<br> + <small>AND</small><b><br> +73, 75, 77,</b> +and <b>79</b> PINE ST., New-York.</p> + <p>Advantages. --> All on the same premises, and under +the immediate supervision of the proprietors.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <b>AGENTS WANTED</b><br> + <br> +To canvas every State, County, and Town in the United +States for<br> +FIRST-CLASS PUBLICATIONS,<br> + <i>Popular in Contents,<br> +Artistic in Illustration,<br> +Admirable in Style of Manufacture,<br> +And Easy to Sell.</i><br> + <br> +Special Inducements Offered.<br> + <br> +Apply to J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers,<br> +39 Park Row, New-York.<br> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center><span style="font-weight: bold;"> MOLLER'S PUREST +NORWEGIAN</span><br> + <b>COD-LIVER OIL.</b><br> + <br> +"Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any +Cod-Liver Oil that patients can digest, owing to the +objectionable mode of procuring and preparing the livers....<br> +Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil which is +perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be +wished."—DR. L.A. SAVRE, before Academy of Medicine. See <i>Medical +Record,</i> December, 1869, p. 417.<br> + <br> +SOLD BY DRUGGISTS.<br> +W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO.,<br> +Sole Agents for the United States and Canada.<br> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center><br> + <img src="images/001.png" alt=""> <br> + <h2>SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 1870.</h2> + <br> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>AT THEIR OFFICE, 83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + <br> + <br> + <br> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN</p> + <p><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></p> + <p>SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO</p> + <p>J. NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p>83 NASSAU STREET.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>ART PRINCIPLES.</b></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN DRAWING BOOK,</b></p> + <p><b>BY J.G. CHAPMAN, N.A.</b></p> + <p>A manual for the Amateur, and Basis of study for the +Professional +Artist. Adapted for schools and Private Instruction.</p> + <p>Price, $6.</p> + <p>To be had of dealers, or from the Publishers, by mail +post-paid +on receipt of price.</p> + <p><b>A.S. BARNES & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b><i>111 and 113 William. Street, New-York.</i></b></p> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p><big><big><b>Mercantile Library,</b></big></big></p> + <p>Clinton Hall, Astor Place</p> + <p>New-York.</p> + <p>This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the +number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About +1000 volumes are added each month; and very large purchases +are made of all new and popular works.</p> + <p>Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each +delivery.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:</p> + <p>TO CLERKS,</p> + <p>$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.</p> + <p>TO OTHERS, $5 a year.</p> + <p>SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR +SIX MONTHS.</p> + <p><b>BRANCH OFFICES</b></p> + <p>NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,</p> + <p>AND AT</p> + <p>Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE COLLINS</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Watch Factory.</big></big></big></p> + <p>THE CELEBRATED IMITATION</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">GOLD HUNTING WATCHES.</p> + <p>"Collins Metal," (Improved Oroide.)</p> + <p>These Justly celebrated Watches have, been so thoroughly +tested during the last four years, and their reputation for +time and as Imitation of Gold Watches is so well established +as to require no recommendations. They retain their color; +and each on is fully guaranteed by special certificate.</p> +PRICES:<br> + <small>HORIZONTAL WATCHES................ $10<br> +FULL-JEWELED PATENT LEVERS..$13</small><br> + <p>(Equal in appearance and for time to gold ones costing $150.) +Those of extra fine finish, $20. (Equaling a $200 gold watch.) +Also, an extra heavy, superbly finished, and splendid watch at +$25. This equals in appearance a $250 gold one. All our +watches are in hunting cases, Gent's and Ladies' sizes. Chains, +$2 to $8.</p> + <p>Also, Jewelry of every kind, equal to gold, at one tenth the +price.</p> + <p>"The goods of C.E. Collins & Co. have invariably given +satisfaction."—<i>N.Y. Times.</i></p> + <p>"One of the $20 watches is worn in our office, and we have +no hesitation in recommending them."—<i>Pomeroy's Democrat.</i></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TO CLUBS.</p> + <p>Where Six Watches are ordered at one time, we send a +Seventh Watch free.</p> + <p>Goods sent by express to all parts of the United States, to +be paid for on delivery.</p> + <p>C.E. COLLINS & CO.,</p> + <p>No. 335 Broadway, New York.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="6" align="center"> + <h2>PUNCHINELLO.</h2> + <p>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with +the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify +the undertaking, the</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.</b></p> + <p>OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK,</p> + <p>Presents to the public for approval, the</p> + <p><b>NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL</b></p> + <p>WEEKLY PAPER,</p> + <p><big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></big></p> + <p>The first number of which will be issued under date of April +2, +1870, and thereafter weekly.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO will be <i>National</i>, and not <i>local</i>; +and will +endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the country; +and to that end has secured a</p> + <p>VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS</p> + <p>in various sections of the Union, while its columns will +always be +open to appropriate first-class literary and artistic talent.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, +without +vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be printed on a +superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for +sale by all respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a +good +thing when they see it, or by subscription from this office.</p> + <p>The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. +Stephens, whose +celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed him in the front rank of +humorous artists, assisted by leading arists in their respective +specialties.</p> + <p>The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM A. +STEPHENS, +with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, both of whom were +identified with VANITY FAIR.</p> + <p>ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</p> + <p>Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive +ideas +or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are +always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally.</p> + <p>Rejected communications can not be returned, unless postage +stamps are inclosed.</p> + <p><b>TERMS:</b></p> + <p>One copy, per year, in advance $4.00</p> + <p>Single copies, ten cents.</p> + <p>A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten +cents.</p> + <p>One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other +magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5.50</p> + <p>One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, for 7.00</p> + <p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street</p> + <p>NEW-YORK</p> + <p>P.O. Box, 2783.</p> + <p><i>(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)</i></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Thomas J. Rayner & Co.,</p> + <p>29 LIBERTY STREET,<br> +New-York,</p> + <p>MANUFACTURERS OF THE</p> + <p><i>Finest Cigars made in<br> +the United States.</i></p> + <p>All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to +any responsible house. <br> +Also Importers of the</p> + <p><b>"FUSBOS" BRAND,</b></p> + <p>Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from +ten +to twenty per cent cheaper.</p> + <p>Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by +calling at</p> + <p><b>29 LIBERTY STREET</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b>SYPHER & CO</b>.,</big></big></p> + <p>(SUCCESSORS TO D. MARLEY.)</p> + <p>No. 557: Broadway, New-York,</p> + <p>MODERN AND ANTIQUE</p> +FURNITURE,<br> +BRONZES,<br> +CHINA,<br> +AND + <p></p> + <p>ARTICLES OF VERTU.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>GUFFROY'S</p> + <p><b>COD-LIVER DRAGEES.</b></p> + <p>SUGAR-COATED PILLS OF COD-LIVER EXTRACT.</p> + <p>A perfect substitute for Cod-Liver Oil, more efficacious, more +economical, and free from all its disagreeable qualities. Used +in English, French, and American hospitals, and highly recommended +by the Medical Faculty here and in Europe.</p> + <p>Send for a pamphlet, which contains many very emphatic +testimonials from eminent physicians who have tried them.</p> + <p><b>Ward, Southerland & Co.,</b></p> + <p>130 William Street, New-York.</p> + <p>A box of 240 Dragées, equal to six pints Cod-Liver Oil, +$2. +Sent by mail on receipt of price.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN<br> +BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,</p> + <p>AND</p> + <p><big>SEWING-MACHINE CO.,</big></p> + <p><b>563 Broadway, New-York.</b></p> + <p>This great combination machine is the last and greatest +improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to all +work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful</p> + <p>BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;</p> + <p>in all fabrics.</p> + <p>Machine, with finely finished</p> + <p>OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER</p> + <p>complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, +$60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to +manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the market. +Machines warranted, and full instruction given to purchasers.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">DOUGAN,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PRACTICAL HATTER,</p> + <p>102 NASSAU STREET,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">WEVILL & HAMMAR,</p> + <p><big><big><b>Wood Engravers,</b></big></big></p> + <p>No. 208 BROADWAY,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BELMONT HOTEL.</p> + <p>J.P. RICHARDS, Proprietor.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>DINING ROOMS.</big></p> + <p>Rooms 50c., 75c., and $1 per night.</p> + <p>133, 135, and 137 FULTON STREET,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by +the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of United States, for the Southern District of New-York.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center> <img src="images/003.png" alt="PREFACE"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. No. 1.</b></p> + <p>(Suggestion: "Take care of No. 1.")</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO TO THE PUBLIC, GREETING:</p> + </center> + <p>His name, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will not be found a difficult one +to +articulate. He flatters himself that it has a smack of grape-juice and +olives about it. It rhymes with "mellow," which naturally brings us to +"good fellow.". On occasions PUNCHINELLO can "bellow," cut a +"tremendous +swell," O, and he never throws away a chance of pocketing the "yellow." +He would like to rhyme with "swallow;" but alas! it can not, can not be.</p> + <p>And yet, in spite of (or perhaps on account of) PUNCHINELLO'S +mellifluous name, much cavil has been brought to bear upon him. +(Prepare +to receive cavilry.)</p> + <p>Squadrons of well-meaning persons with speaking-trumpets +marched to and +fro before the sponsors of PUNCHINELLO, each roaring at them to stop +such a name as <i>that</i>, and attend to <i>his</i> suggestion, and +his only.</p> + <p>One did not like PUNCHINELLO because it means a "little +Punch," and +he—the speaking-trumpeter—liked a great deal; and lo! while he spoke, +he changed his trumpet for several horns. Then he was taken with a fit +of herpetology in his boots, and sank to advise no more.</p> + <p>Another—a fellow with an infinite fancy for buffo +minstrelsy—was +vociferous that PUNCHINELLO should be called "Tommy Dodd." The +discussion upon this lasted for three months; but finally, "Tommy Dodd" +was rejected on account of the superfluously aristocratic aroma that +exhaled from the name.</p> + <p>Four divisions of men with banners then came by, each division +respectively composed of members of the waning families of Smith, +Brown, +Jones, and Robinson, and each division bawled and thundered that the +name round which it rallied should be adopted instead of PUNCHINELLO, +on +pain of death.</p> + <p>And thousands of others came with suggestions of a like sort; +for which +some of them wanted "stamps." And when they had all had their say, +PUNCHINELLO was called PUNCHINELLO, and nothing else—a name by which he +means to stand or fall.</p> + <p>And now to business. PUNCHINELLO is not going to define his +position +here. He refrains from boring his readers with prolix gammon about his +foreign and domestic relations. He will content himself (and readers, +he +hopes) by briefly mentioning that he has foreign and domestic relations +in every part of the habitable globe, and that they each and all +furnish +him with correspondence of the most reliable and spicy character, +regularly and for publication. Among his foreign relations he is happy +to reckon M. MEISSONNIER, the celebrated French artist, to whom he is +indebted for the original painting from which PUNCHINELLO, as he +appears +on his own title-page, is taken.</p> + <p>A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of +great +humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress. +PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these +with a light finger. (No allusion, here, to the "light-fingered +gentry," +for whom PUNCHINELLO keeps a large grape vine in pickle.)</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO observes the incipient tendency to return to +specie +payments. To this revival, however, he is not as yet prepared to give +his adhesion, though, on the whole, he considers it preferable to +relapsing fever, which is also noted on 'Change. Cuba shall have her +due +share of attention from him. And if She-Cuba, (Queen of the Antilles, +you know,) why not also He-Cuba?—lovely and preposterous woman, who, +from her eagerness to slip on certain habiliments that are masculine, +but shall here be nameless, shall henceforth be appropriately +distinguished by that name.</p> + <p>Let other important topics take care of themselves. +PUNCHINELLO will +only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers +than <i>habeas corpus</i>, and that he means to take the gloss off the +grim +joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York."</p> + <p>It is pleasant for PUNCHINELLO to draw the attention of his +readers to +the fact that this, his First Number, is dated April 2d—the day after +All Fools' Day. This is cheering; since thus it is manifest that +PUNCHINELLO leaves all the fools and jesters behind, and is, therefore, +first in the race for the crown of comic laurel and the quiver of +satiric shafts.</p> + <p>And now, by DAN PHOEBUS!—that's the DAN (ah!) that drives the <i>Sun</i>, +you +know, and is the biggest spot upon it—here we find that we have talked +ourself all the way to DELMONICO'S, and there's CHARLEY on the lookout.</p> + <p><i>Punchinello:</i> "Good evening, Mr. DELMONICO; have you any +room for us?"</p> + <p><i>Delmonico:</i> "You are very welcome, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and +your rooms are +quite ready; for we have been expecting you ever so long. Of course, +your staff of artists can be accommodated in our Drawing-room, if you +will permit me to throw off so insignificant a joke."</p> + <p><i>Punchinello:</i> "Tut, CHARLES!—'tis a joke of the first +water, (first +brandy-and-water, CHARLES.) Cap your joke with another as good, and +then +consider yourself on our staff. Lead us to our apartments, CHARLES."</p> + <p>And so, looking from his pleasant Fifth Avenue windows, +PUNCHINELLO +waves a salutation to his audience with a "May you be happy, each and +all of you, and live all your days in clover," (admission ten cents.)</p> + <center><img src="images/004.png" align="middle" alt=""></center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO'S NEW CHARTER.</b></p> + <p>THE GREAT PLATFORM OF THE RINGS.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">The Lions and the Lambs lie down +together,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">While the "Sun" stands still.</span><br> + <br> + <p>The People of the State of New-York, represented by +PUNCHINELLO and his +troop of admirers, hereby enact:</p> + <p><b>§ 1.</b> All the offices now provided by law with +within the City and County +of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag;</p> + <p><b>§ 2.</b> It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of +the Central Park to +devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of +poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the +grab-bag.</p> + <p><b>§ 3.</b> HORACE GREELEY, PETER COOPER, the Rev. Dr. +THOMPSON, DANIEL DREW, +and REDDY THE BLACKSMITH, are hereby constituted Inspectors and +Canvassers for the grabbers.</p> + <p><b>§ 4.</b> It shall be the duty of the said inspectors +to prepare a +registry-list of all the persons intending to grab, who are required to +serve a notice of intention through the post-office upon REDDY THE +BLACKSMITH, the Chairman. DANIEL DREW is to provide funds wherewith to +pay the postage.</p> + <p><b>§ 5.</b> The registry-list shall be alphabetically +prepared, and the number +of chances shall be determined by dividing the number of grabbers by +the +number of offices.</p> + <p><b>§ 6.</b> The grabbers shall be selected by lot.</p> + <p><b>§ 7.</b> The lots shall be drawn by REDDY THE +BLACKSMITH from his own hat, +his eyes wide open, while every other inspector, and the voters, shall +be blindfolded with newspapers from the files of the <i>Christian Union</i>; +whereupon, as the names of the fortunate grabbers are called, each one +shall proceed to the grab-bag and grab his office.</p> + <p><b>§ 8.</b> There shall be no repeaters of the process.</p> + <p><b>§ 9.</b> The persons thus grabbing offices shall be +then and there, by the +Inspectors, declared duly elected to the offices grabbed, for life.</p> + <p><b>§ 10.</b> Any vacancy occurring by assassination shall +be immediately filled +by the Inspectors appointing the assassin.</p> + <p><b>§ 11.</b> Every person owning real estate on the +Island shall contribute one +ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following +Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the +Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable +contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided +among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted +to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement.</p> + <p><b>§ 12.</b> Owners of real estate in the city of New +York are hereby allowed +to make their own arrangements with the gas companies for the supply of +light; but nothing herein shall be construed to devote any part of the +proceeds to light the public streets at night and real estate owners +shall be allowed to make their own arrangements for the supply of water +with the grab income-bents of the Croton Grab Board.</p> + <p><b>§ 13.</b> The sewers of the city shall be converted to +burial places for +persons assassinated at political meetings.</p> + <p><b>§ 14.</b> Nothing herein contained shall be so +construed as to permit any +judge to grant an injunction against any grabbers of the offices.</p> + <p><b>§ 15.</b> The "dead-beats," heretofore known as +policemen and soldiers of +the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall +be +a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a +six-shooter.</p> + <p><b>§ 16.</b> All provisions of the United States or State +constitutions +inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>From Gertrude of Wyoming.</b></p> + <p>Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does +not +follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the +women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally +supply the family linen.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>SURE TO BE LOST AT C.</b>—Signor LEFRANC's voice, if he +continues to +recklessly strain it with his chest C.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.</b></p> + <p>As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be +extended into +all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. +Every +other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes, +cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts; and PUNCHINELLO, +intending to offer the most advantages, expects to become so necessary +to the economical housewife and the prudent bread-winner that no family +will be able to do without him. So, with no further prologue, we will +present our readers with some valuable hints in regard to the use that +can be made of things that often lie about the house gathering +dust—idle clutter and of no service to any body. <img + src="images/005a.png" align="left" alt=""> The first hint, we +know, if followed up, will be found of the greatest advantage to all, +yielding great measure of convenience at little cost. Take a wide +board—as wide as you can get it—and as long as it will cut without +cracks or knotholes, and saw the ends off square. Then bore four large +holes in the corners, and insert the ends of four sticks, each about +three feet long. Place it upon the floor, so that the board will be +supported by the sticks, thus:</p> + <p>This contrivance will be found very useful for various +purposes. It will +do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any +other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household +objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to +serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. If on such +occasions it be covered with a white linen or cotton cloth, its +appearance will be much improved, and in time it can not fail to become +a favorite article of furniture.</p> + <img src="images/005b.png" align="right" alt=""> + <p>The next hint will please the ladies. Take two pieces of +cotton or +woolen cloth, of any size from two inches to a foot square, and sew +them +together at the edges, leaving, however, a small place unsewed at one +corner. You will now find that you have something like a square bag. +This is to be tightly filled with wool, bran, mowings, clippings of +human hair, or something of the kind, and the open corner is then to be +sewed up. When finished, the affair will assume this appearance and +will +be found very useful for the preservation of pins. The manner of using +it is as follows: you take the pin in the hand and firmly press it into +the bag, when it will be found that the body of the pin will easily +enter, but that the head will prevent its entire disappearance. The +stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight +degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious +little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always +hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more +economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the +pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. The top and +corners can be ornamented <i>à discrétion</i>.</p> + <p>Hint the third is especially addressed to country families. +Take one of +the ordinary toilet-tables that are to be found in so many rural +habitations, and, on removing the white cover, you will probably find +that the table is formed of an empty flour-barrel with a board nailed +on +top of it. Remove this board; get a head from another barrel of the +same +size; place it properly upon the top; put some good hoops around the +ends, nail it all up tightly, and you will find that you will have a +very good barrel.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Founded upon Fact.</b></p> + <p>Why is BRENTANO like a hardware man?</p> + <p>Because he keeps <i>Tomahawks</i> for sale.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Definition by an Envious Wood-Engraver.</b></p> + <p>ZINCALI—Artists who draw on zinc plates.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center><img src="images/006.png" alt=""> + <p><b>AN AGGRAVATED CASE.</b></p> + <p><i>Man with Muffler</i>. "IT ISN'T THE FACT OF THE SORE THROAT +I MIND SO MUCH +AS THE SUSPICION THAT I CAUGHT IT FROM THAT BEASTLY SNOB, BURLAPS, WHO +OCCUPIES THE ROOMS OPPOSITE."</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Truly Noble.</b></p> + <p>We have been requested to publish the following letter:</p> + <p>NEW-YORK, March 1, 1870.</p> + <p>TO THE PATRIOTS HAVING CHARGE OF THE MONUMENT TO VICTOR NOIR:</p> + <p>GENTLEMEN: I honor the brave! I am of America, American! I +import from +bleeding France her brandy, her champagne, her claret, her olives, and +her sardines. I dispose of them at 1108 Lispenard street, New-York, +where my peculiar facilities enable me to offer unusual inducements to +the trade! I am with you and against tyrants! <i>Vive la freedom!</i> +I +inclose seven francs as a contribution to the monument! D.E.D. BEHTE.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Perennius Ære.</b></p> + <p>In view of the recent long and luminous discourse by a +distinguished +United States Senator upon the subject of the funding bill, it is +respectfully suggested that a part of the amount to be saved to the +nation by this financial scheme shall be devoted to the erection of a +"palace lifting to eternal SUMNER!"</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Question for Ben Butler's Nurse.</b></p> + <p>Was the honorable member from Massachusetts <i>really</i> +born with a silver +spoon in his <i>mouth</i>?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The Witch and the Switch.</b></p> + <p>Fashionable women are like the conventional +school-mistress—they +believe in the switch.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Naughty.</b></p> + <p>When did the people send a cipher to the State Senate? When +they sent +NORT-on there.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>THE MARINER'S WRONGS.</b></p> + <p>Within the memories of men who are not yet old, the sailor was +always +looked upon and talked about as "a jolly dog." There was a glamour of +romance about him when he was at sea, and "JACK ashore" was for ages +held up as the presentment of all that was happy, and contented, and +free from care. His hardest duty was supposed to be shinning up the +ratlin to "reef," or "brail up," or "splice the mainbrace," or do some +other of those mysterious things that caused him to look so mythical to +the minds of land-lubbers and the simple-hearted kind of women that +used +to be, but now no longer are. His lighter hours (about eighteen out of +the twenty-four) were passed in terpsichorean performances on the +"fo'k'sl," and were so fascinating to the shorey mind that music was +specially composed for them, and the "Sailor's Hornpipe" is one of the +scourges inflicted upon mortals, for their sins, by barrel-organists at +the present day. Grog was dealt out to him by the gallon, and, as for +"backy," the light-hearted fellow was never allowed to suffer for want +of <i>that</i>; so that his happiness may be said to have been +complete.</p> + <p>Things are sadly changed, now, with regard to poor JACK. Every +day we +read of outrageous assaults upon him with marline-spikes and other +perverted marine stores, by brutal skippers and flagitious mates, whose +proper end would be the yard-arm and the rope's end. All belaying-pin +and no pay has made JACK a dull boy. His windpipe refuses to furnish +the +whilom exhilarating tooraloo for his hornpipe. Silent are the "yarns" +with which he used to while away the time when off his watch and +huddling under the lee of the capstan with his messmates. And then, +when +he comes ashore, it is only to be devoured by the sharks that lie in +wait for him and drag him away bodily to their obscene "boarding-house" +dens.</p> + <p>Once on a time JACK, when in dock, used to make holiday of it +on Sunday. +He looked as gay as a tobacconist's sign when rigged out in his best +blue for a lark ashore, where he was occasionally to be seen on +horseback with a row of his jovial messmates, all of them sitting with +their backs to the horse's head, and the sternmost of them steering the +bewildered animal by his tail. Now there seems to be a movement to cut +off from JACK even the holiday to which he is surely entitled. The +captain of a bark, lying at San Francisco, has lately stopped wages, to +the amount of sixty-five dollars, from a seaman, because the latter +refused to assist in discharging cargo on Sunday. Blue has, in one +sense, always been JACK's favorite color; but if this sort of thing +goes +on much further, he must become bluer than ever, and his cheerless +condition will be such that he will not have a cheer left to shake the +welkin with when he helps to man the yards.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Postal.</b></p> + <p>Frankly speaking, can Senator REVEL's letters be called <i>Blackmail</i>?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Propagandism.</b></p> + <p>Ancient Rome was saved by a proper goose; modern Rome by a +proper +gander.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p>The Sheriff's party tell us that they are always "watch"ful in +the +interest of the tax-payers. So they should be, for don't they own the +most "repeaters"?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The Plays and Shows.</b></p> + <p>HAMLET—WITH A YELLOW WIG.</p> + <p><img src="images/007.png" align="left" alt="The"> poet—his +name is of no consequence—has defined the evening +as</p> + <p>"The close of the day when the HAMLET is still."</p> + <p>Evidently he was a bucolic, and not a metropolitan poet. +Otherwise he +would have remembered that the close of the day, or, to speak with +mathematical accuracy, the hour of eight P.M., is precisely the time +when the HAMLET of a well-regulated theatrical community begins to make +himself vocally prominent. A few nights since, we had no less than +three +HAMLETS propounding at the same time the unnecessary question, whether +to be or not to be is the correct thing. The serious HAMLET of the +eagle +eye, and the burlesque HAMLET of the vulpine nose, are with us yet; but +the rival of the latter, the HAMLET of the taurine neck, has gone to +Boston, where his wiggish peculiarity will he better appreciated than +it +was in this Democratic city.</p> + <p>The late Mr. WEGG prided himself upon being a literary +man—with a +wooden leg. Mr. FECHTER aspires to be a HAMLET—with a yellow wig. Mr. +WEGG had this advantage over Mr. FECHTER, that his literary ability did +not wholly depend upon his ligneous leg. Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET, on the +contrary, owes its existence solely to his wig. The key to his +popularity must he sought in his yellow locks.</p> + <p>There are, it is true, meritorious points in Mr. FECHTER'S +Dane. One is +his skill in fencing; another, the fact that he finally suffers himself +to be killed. Unfortunately, this latter redeeming incident takes place +only in the last scene of the play, and the Fat Prince has therefore +abundant previous opportunity to mar the superb acting of Miss +LECLERCQ. +Why this admirable artist did not insist that her OPHELIA should +receive +a better support than was furnished by Messrs. BANGS, LEVICK, and +FECHTER, at Niblo's Garden, is an insoluble mystery. She must have +perceived the absurdity of drowning herself for a Prince—fair, fat, and +faulty—who refused to give her a share of his "loaf," and denied, with +an evident eye to a possible breach of promise suit, that he had given +her any "bresents."</p> + <p>That Mr. FECHTER speaks English imperfectly is, however, the +least of +his defects. If he could not speak at all, his audience would have +reason for self-congratulation. We might, too, forget that he is an +obese, round-shouldered, short-necked, and eminently beery HAMLET, with +a tendency to speak through his nose. But how can we overlook his +incapacity to express the subtle changes of HAMLET'S ever questioning +mind? One of his admirers has recently quoted RUSKIN in his support. +MR. +FECHTER gives no heed to RUSKIN'S axiom, that all true art is delicate +art. There is no delicacy in his conception of HAMLET. True, he is +impulsive and sensitive; but this is due to his physical and not to his +mental organization. A HAMLET without delicacy is quite as intolerable +a +spectacle as a <i>Grande Duchesse</i> without decency.</p> + <p>What, then, has given him his reputation? The answer is +evident;—His +yellow wig. NAPOLEON gilded the dome of the <i>Invalides</i>, and the +Parisians forgot to murmur at the arbitrary acts of his reign. Mr. +FECHTER crowns himself with a golden wig, and the public forgets to +murmur at the five acts of his HAMLET.</p> + <p>In all other respects Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET is inferior to that +of his +rival Mr. FOX. It is not nearly as funny, and it is much less +impressive. Both actors are wrong, however, in not omitting the +graveyard scene. To make a burlesque of Death is to unlawfully invade +the province of Messrs. BEECHER and FROTHINGHAM.</p> + <p>The popularity of Mr. FECHTER is only a new proof of the +potency of +yellow hair. It is the yellow hair of the British blonde, joined to +that +kindliness of disposition with which—like a personification of +Charity—she "bareth all things," that makes her a thing of beauty in +the eyes of R.G.W., and a joy for as many seasons as her hair will keep +its color. It is because Mr. FECHTER decided that the hair presumptive +of the Royal Dane must have been yellow, that his name has grown famous +in England.</p> + <p>The veracious chronicler relates that, on one occasion, Mr. +VENUS +deprived his literary friend with a wooden leg of that useful +appendage. +But that act of constructive mayhem did not destroy Mr. WEGG'S literary +reputation. Can MR. FECHTER'S HAMLET endure an analogous test? If he +has +confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a +change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of +hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET +with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than +simply +a HAMLET—with a yellow wig. Until then we shall be constrained to class +him with the other blonde burlesquers.</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>WHAT THE PRESS IS EXPECTED TO SAY OF US.</b></p> + <p>There is no trash in this paper.—<i>Literary Standard</i>.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO is a perfect beauty, and good as beautiful.—<i>Moralist</i>.</p> + <p>—a most suitable companion for our walks and meditations.—<i>Casuist</i>.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO pays beautifully.—<i>Cash Account</i>.</p> + <p>—just the thing for our mothers-in-law.—<i>Domestic-Hearth</i>.</p> + <p>—its wisdom and learning are equally remarkable.—<i>College +Club</i>.</p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO deserves to be styled A Brick.—<i>Midnight Male</i>.</p> + <p>—the most irreproachable thing going; and every man who does +not buy a +copy for himself, every week, and another for his wife, with one for +each of his children, is a brute.—<i>Plain Speaker</i>.</p> + <p>—bully.—<i>Western Grazier</i>.</p> + <p>—knows beans.—<i>Horticulturist</i>.</p> + <p>—up to snuff.—<i>Market Reporter</i>.</p> + <p>—cock of the walk.—<i>Prairie Chicken</i>.</p> + <p>—perfectly lovely.—<i>Ladies' Voice</i>.</p> + <p>—read it, try to parse it, and then set it to music and sing +it.—<i>Yankee Teacher</i>.</p> + <p>—the thing we dreamed of, longed for, sighed for, and paid +for.—<i>Public at Large</i>.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Walking Fish.</b></p> + <p>The Walk in life of Mr. Secretary of State FISH, considering +him as a +private individual, has hitherto been irreproachable. Nevertheless, his +walk might be much improved by President GRANT, if the latter would +only +teach him to Walk Spanish.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>"Hole-in-the-Day."</b></p> + <p>It is stated, though on what authority we are unable to say, +that the +Philadelphia <i>Day</i> is printed on straw paper made from the +surplus +straw-hats that formed an item of a notorious government contract +negotiated during the war.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center><img src="images/008.png" alt=""> + <p><b>MESMERISM IN WALL STREET.</b></p> + <p><i>First Lady Broker, (entrancing subject.)</i> "THERE, I'VE +GOT HIM TO THE +POINT NOW.<br> +TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, QUICK."</p> + <p><i>Commodore V-nd-rb-lt, (murmurs.)</i> "SELL ME ONE THOUSAND +SHARES +CENTRAL."</p> + <p><i>Second Lady Broker.</i> "BOOKED!"</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>THE BALLAD OF CAPTAIN EYRE,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>OF THE PACIFIC AND ORIENTAL +STEAMSHIP "BOMBAY."</small></p> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p>My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed,</p> + <p>When I sailed;</p> + <p>My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed;</p> + <p>My name was ARTHUR EYRE, a true British snob, I swear,</p> + <p>Who for Yankees didn't care, as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed,</p> + <p>Ere I sailed;</p> + <p>I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed;</p> + <p>I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, that JOHN BULL his fingers +snaps</p> + <p>At the "cussed Yankee chaps," ere I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So I steered across the seas, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>I steered across the seas, as I sailed;</p> + <p>I steered across the seas, and swilled my hale at hease;</p> + <p>I was master, "if you please," as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed;</p> + <p>VICTORIA'S flag I flew, and wore her colors too,</p> + <p>Like a British sailor true, as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed;</p> + <p>Off the shore of far Japan, I a Yankee ship did scan,</p> + <p>That with helm a-starboard ran, as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed;</p> + <p>A curse rose to my lip as on the Yankee ship</p> + <p>Through the darkness I did slip, as I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed;</p> + <p>Ay, I ran the Yankee down, and I left the dogs to drown,</p> + <p>While to Yokohama town on I sailed.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They say they showed a light, as I sailed,</p> + <p>As I sailed;</p> + <p>They say they showed a light, as I sailed;</p> + <p>They say they showed a light, to tell their hopeless plight,</p> + <p>But "I served them bloody right," as I sailed!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For my name is Captain EYRE, as I sail,</p> + <p>As I sail;</p> + <p>My name is Captain EYRE, as I sail;</p> + <p>For my name is Captain EYRE, and it's d-----d absurd, I swear,</p> + <p>That for Yankees I should care, as I sail!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>"Arcades Ambo."</b></p> + <p>As there seem to be some disorganizing elements just now at +work in the +ancient and honorable order of the Knights of Pythias, might it not be +well for them to compromise by a fraternal secession of the +discontented +spirits, who could form a kindred order under the title of the Deys of +Damon?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>USEFUL MATERIAL FOR FANCY CLOG-DANCERS</b>—Sandal-wood.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/009.png" alt=""> + <table width="100%"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" width="50%"> + <p><b>March 4, 1869.</b><br> +A GIANT AMONG THE PIGMIES.</p> + </td> + <td align="center" width="50%"> + <p><b>March 4, 1870.</b><br> +A PIGMY AMONG THE GIANTS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/011.png" align="left" alt="T">hat it is not +PUNCHINELLO'S intention to overlook Wall +street, may be +absolutely taken at par. To look over Wall street is quite another +matter, and P. knows how to do it to a T. Many a time at midnight, from +his perch on the tip of the spire of Old Trinity, (a tip-top point from +which to look over Wall street—you see the point?) has PUNCHINELLO +beheld the ghosts of dead speculations floating hopelessly through the +murky air. It could not be said of them that there was "no speculation +in those eyes." The ghost of a dead speculation was never so utterly +damned, the eyes of a ghost of a dead speculation were never so +absolutely dimmed, but that speculation of some kind might be discerned +fluttering like a mummy-cloth from the shadowy outline of the former, +and gleaming feebly from the gloomy goggles of the latter. Gleam on, +poor ghosts! Goggle while you may, and gibber. PUNCHINELLO watches you +with interest, (25 per cent.,) as you are weighed down to the very dirt +of The Street by the night-fog of Despair, flapping your wings on a +very +small "margin," as if attempting vainly to "operate for a rise." Go +down, poor ghosts; repair to your incandescent place below, for there +is +no hope for you. As we sit here upon our spire, we can not say to you, <i>Dum +spiramus speramus</i>. Alas! no. We would like to do so, +of course; +but our sense of truth revolts against the enunciation of such a +taradiddle.</p> + <p>Soon after daylight has been fully turned on, it is the wont +of +PUNCHINELLO to descend from his perch on the church, (rhyme,) and roam +waywardly and invisibly among the denizens who occupy the dens of The +Street. He knows all the ins and outs of the place, and has long been +disgustingly familiar with its ups and downs. Gently has he dabbled in +stocks, and no modern operator is half so conversant an he is with the +juggles of the Stock Exchange. PUNCHINELLO, though as fresh and frisky, +in mind and body, as a kid on a June morning, is older than he chooses +to let every body know. Bless you all, readers dear! he was by when the +Tulip Mania was hatched, (mixed figure,) and it was he who punctured +the +great South Sea Bubble, and sent it on a burst. Ha! ha! he-e-e!--how he +laughs when he recurs to those days of the long, long ago, with their +miserable little swindles, no better than farthing candles, (allowable +rhyme,) and their puny dodges devised for flagellating LUCIFER round a +stump.</p> + <p>Just think of a lot of fellows pretending to play at +Tulipmaniacs +bolting Bubble-and-squeak, and not a jockey among them all had ever +heard of "puts" and "calls." Deuce a one of them know a "corner" from a +cockatrice's egg, and if you had mentioned a "scoop" to the most +intelligent of them, he'd have sworn that you had been and gone and +swallowed a Scandinavian dictionary. (N.B. In this application the nave +in Scandinavian might properly be spelt with a k.) Ah! yes, yes: +What-d'ye-call him was wide-awake when he remarked to Thingumbob that +"the world <i>does move</i>."</p> + <p>How strong the contrast to PUNCHINELLO as he glides, +invisible, to and +fro among the bulls and bears on 'Change, observing the "modern +instances" of their improved manner of doing business, and taking all +their devices into the corner of his brightest eye! (The only safe +"corner" <i>he</i> knows of on The Street.) How he chuckles as he +observes +the ways of 'em—sees a bear selling that which he hasn't, and a bull +buying that which he doesn't want—all "on a margin" and to "settle +regular," of course. Bless you! children of the modern Mammon. Go in +and +win, or lose if you find it more exciting. Learn to control finances, +if +you would fain grow to be good men and contribute hereafter good men to +the taxable population. Proceed with your virtuous transactions on +'Change. Never mind each other's toes; they who have corns must not +care +for being cornered. (Meant playfully.) Inflate the market with your +heavy purchases. Blow the market, and "corner the shorts." Be a "bear," +if you will; and when you play at "bull," remember the frog in the +fable, who would be an ox, and went on inflating until he burst.</p> + <p>You bloated stockmonger there, with your hands in your pockets +and your +eye on the mean chance, what care you how much capital is represented +by +certificates issued? "That's played out," you say? You know it is, you +slimy salamander, and so does PUNCHINELLO. You know that by the use of +convertible bonds capital can be increased or diminished <i>ad +infinitum</i>. +Loan your millions to Erie, to save it from destruction or the Sheriff, +(synonymous terms,) and you will derive sweet consolation from the +consciousness of your power to add or diminish at will.</p> + <p>Look at the "Great Waterer." When he chose to "snake away" +Erie from its +friends, and make it tributary to New-York Central, the printing-press +was at work—a fact which he did not discover until he had paid out ten +millions. Then the foreigners purchased ream after ream of certificates +to control Erie, and to-day their stock is declared not worth a row of +pins, owing to the piles of money swallowed by the afflictive suits on +the stamped certificates.</p> + <p>Observe SNIGGER and SNAGGER, too; mark the goings and comings +of these +partners in business and iniquity. How regularly they have kept +swearing +that their business never paid, and yet their dividends always +increased +when they wished to distribute their stock.</p> + <p>And here is one who—more audacious, far, than King CANUTE of +old—would +control even the ocean. This man starts a Pacific Mail with a capital +of +ten millions, increases the amount to twenty millions, and swears it is +worth thirty. Then he "puts his foot in it" and shows the knave in his +deal, (dealings—jocular,) by selling the stock at thirty-five.</p> + <p>This from PUNCHINELLO, as he looks over The Street—and through +it—from +his lofty pinnacle. Don't strain your precious eyes and necks in +fruitless endeavors to discover him there, since he can make himself +invisible at will. But listen, ye men of The Street, with all your +ears, +(Erie,) and you will hear a solemn chant like unto that of the <i>muezzin</i> +from the minaret. 'Tis the voice of PUNCHINELLO wafting sonorously from +his tower the instructive moral—</p> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p>"Whoe'er sells stocks as isn't his'n,</p> + <p>Must pay up or go to pris'n."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A New Conglomerate Pavement.</b></p> + <p>It was well said by a saucy Frenchman, "that England had fifty +religions +but only one sauce." Paraphrasing this loosely, we may say of New-York, +that she has a dozen different pavements and deuce a good one. There +was +the "Russ," on which the horses used to be "let slide," but couldn't +trot; the "Belgian," of dubious repute; the "Nicholson," which, from +its +material, must have been invented by "Nick of the Woods;" the +"Mouse-trap," set to catch other things than mice; the "Fiske," a +pavement pitched in altogether too high a key to be pleasant; The +"Stafford," the "Stow," and several others which it would be painful to +enumerate here. Why doesn't the daily press look lively, and devise a +better pavement than any of these? There's STONE, of the <i>Journal of +Commerce</i>; WOOD, of the <i>News</i>; MARBLE, of the <i>World</i>; +and BRICK, of +the <i>Democrat</i>. Let them put their heads together and give us a +good +conglomerate.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Hopeful Anticipation.</b></p> + <p>Now that the darkeys are about to take part in national +legislation, we +shall probably be able to negrotiate a postal treaty with France.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>On one Drowned.</b></p> + <p>He left a large circle, etc.!</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center><img src="images/012.png" alt=""> + <p><b>SYMPATHY WITH CUBA.</b></p> + <p><i>Enthusiastic Sympathizer.</i> "What I say is, we <i>must</i> +have our cigars; +and <i>therefore</i>, Cuba <i>must</i> be ours."</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO'S LYRICS.</b></p> + <p>No. 1.</p> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p>Ho! I am the jolly repeater,</p> + <p class="i2">And I train with the magical band,</p> + <p>Who the legerdemain of the ballot</p> + <p class="i2">With the skill of a wizard command.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once a year every poll I explore,</p> + <p class="i2">Honest voting is Greenland to me;</p> + <p>Free suffrage is ever my motto,</p> + <p class="i2">To my amnesty judges agree.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The trickster inspector I loathe, sir!</p> + <p class="i2">Or the canvasser's pencils that thieve;</p> + <p>Voting early and often is nobler</p> + <p class="i2">Than ballots to change from one's sleeve.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No eight hours' labor I ask for,</p> + <p class="i2">Votes from sunrise to sunset I cast;</p> + <p>They are bread on political waters,</p> + <p class="i2">And my sinecures follow them fast.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>WILLIAM B. and his millionaire crew</p> + <p class="i2">Will only vote once, sir; while I</p> + <p>(Who to scorn laugh the honest assessors)</p> + <p class="i2">Plump a score to their one—on the sly!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who asks for my name? I repeat it—</p> + <p class="i2">Ho! the jolly repeater am I;</p> + <p>Each book of the registry knows me,</p> + <p class="i2">And I'm now in the market—Who'll buy?</p> + </div> + </div> + <p>(The above may be sung <i>da capo</i>, which is Italian for +"repeat.")</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Music and Morals in Chicago.</b></p> + <p>The <i>Marriage of Figaro</i> did not interest the Chicago +people when it was +produced in that peculiar city. Had it been called the "Divorce of +Figaro," it would have aroused their warmest admiration.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>MR. GREELEY'S AIDS TO LITERARY EFFORT.</b></p> + <p>On the general principle that "no one is a hero to his valet," +not even +a valetudinarian, it may be safely asserted that the divinity that doth +hedge most great writers is lost the moment their admirers become +acquainted with their habits of thought and methods of composition. The +popular delusion that H.G. "knows every thing" is calculated to work +indefinite injury to some modest men who are supposed to "know +something." GREELEY'S mind, like a <i>camera obscura</i>, may be said +to +retain its impressions while in the dark, and to lose them when exposed +to the light. He has never, to any extent, heeded the scriptural +injunction against walking in darkness, which explains why so many <i>Tribune</i> +readers are in the dark concerning the truth and +justice of +popular questions. Consequently, as in the case of other great men, +when +GREELEY'S mind becomes pregnant with a theme, moved to pity by the +neglected education and limited mental resources of many of his +readers, +he repairs to one of his numerous literary lairs, and ransacks the +pages +of the Past for plunder befitting his pen and party. When he is about +to +write an editorial article on Protection, he invariably prepares his +mind by reading several chapters on the "Manly Art of Self-Defense," +which accounts for the wisdom and brilliancy displayed by him on the +subject of tariffs. In order to approach a discussion of the subject of +vegetarianism without prejudice, H.G. repairs to the wheezy WINDUST'S, +where, for hours at a time, he literally "crams" with his favorite dish +of pork and beans. The Amelioration of the condition of the Working +Classes is another favorite theme with GREELEY, and, in order to +discuss +clearly and cogently the many phases and ramifications of this lively +and exciting topic, he devotes several hours to the study of "Idleness +as a Fine Art." Before writing a particularly funny or spirited article +upon Politics, the Fine Arts, or the Drama, H.G., it is said, may be +seen for several hours at the Astor Library, poring over BURTON'S <i>Anatomy +of Melancholy</i>. While in the throes of literary +labor upon <i>The +Great Conflict</i>, he had numerous dogmatic discussions with Mr. KIT +BURNS, participated in several flights of the "fancy" to the +bird-battling haunts of New Jersey, and even pursued the ministers of +muscle to the scene of their bucolic pastimes in the P.R. It is, +perhaps, unnecessary to remark that Mr. GREELEY'S <i>Recollections of +a +Busy Life</i> were inspired almost directly by frequent collusion with +the +pages of DE QUINCEY and COLERIDGE, whose wild lives and turbulent +experiences possess a peculiar charm for the Triton of the <i>Tribune</i>. +When Mr. GREELEY wishes to write against capital punishment—which he +does about every time the moon changes—he naturally turns over a few +pages of <i>Thirty Years in Washington</i>. When he purposes to tempt +the +bounding bean of the kitchen garden of Chappaqua, or humble the hopeful +harrow of agriculture, he may be found either at the Italian Opera, +serenely sleeping under the soporific strains of <i>Sonnambula</i>, or +at the +Circus, benignly blinking at the agglomerating Arabs. The inspiration +for that thrilling story in real life, entitled, <i>What I Know about +Farming</i>, is said to have been received almost wholly from the state +of +somnolency induced by that clever clairvoyant, the Rev. Dr. CHAPIN. A +curious notion exists in the minds of a few ignorant persons, to the +effect that Mr. GREELEY vexes his mellow mind for essays on the +temperance question with frequent and numerous imbibitions of "soda +straight;" but it is high time that this popular error was exploded. +All +who have seen Mr. GREELEY in the bar-room of a certain city hotel, +dashing down brandy or pouring down whisky, and have next morning +perused a Tribune editorial on "The Evils of Intemperance," need not be +reminded of the chief source of H.G.'s animated style and vigorous +diction. An extended walk along the beautiful avenues of the city, or a +drive through Central Park, invariably prepares Mr. GREELEY's mind for +the birth of an article on the advantages to young men of leaving the +metropolis and seeking homes in the West. Some months ago, Mr. GREELEY +purchased a small, select library, which contains, among other choice +works, the sweet pastoral productions of SYLVANUS COBB, Jr.; the quaint +and exhilarating narratives of EUGENE SUE; the wholesome and harmless +fictions of NED BUNTLINE, together with the complete poetical works of +MARTIN FARQUHAR TUPPER, and it was from the perusal of these comforting +and pellucid contributions to American literature that Mr. GREELEY +caught the spirit and the style which distinguish his thrilling work on +Political Economy. But something too much of this. We would not +embitter +the life of Mr. GREELEY, at present, by any farther revelations, and +therefore we let the subject drop.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</b></p> + <p>SENATE.</p> + <p><img src="images/013.png" align="left" alt="A">t the opening, +Senator SUMNER rose to a personal explanation. +In fact, +he always does. He said that General PRIM had disowned having had any +thing to do with him upon the Cuban question. General PRIM was +perfectly +correct. (Applause.) He did not know much about the Cuban question; but +he flattered himself that he was familiar with the gurreat purrinciples +of Eternal Justice, and he intended to apply them to the solution of +all +our political problems. He said that Lord COKE had justly and +eloquently +observed <i>de minimis non curat lex.</i> He thought this would apply +to our +relations with the Island, where, although the sugar-cane lifts its +lofty top and the woodbine twineth, the accursed spirit of caste still +prevails. He begged to bring to the attention of the Senate and the +country the amended lines of the sacred poet:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 50%;"> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p>"What though the spicy breezes</p> + <p class="i2">Blow soft o'er Cuba's isle;</p> + <p>Though every prospect pleases,</p> + <p class="i2">And only man is vile?"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <p>The Senate would say with CICERO, <i>de non apparentious et +non +existentibus, eadem est ratio</i>, and they would remember with +reference +to the revolutionists of Cuba the great saying of Lord BACON, "Put a +beggar on horseback, and he will go to the Senate from Massachusetts." +Whatever the issue of the Cuban contest might be, he could lay his hand +upon his heart, and say with the Mantuan bard, "<i>Homo sum</i>." or, +in the +language of our own Shakespeare, that which we call a rose by any other +name would smell as sweet. These were all the sentiments he could find +in his library which bore directly upon this subject.</p> + <p>Senator SUMNER then introduced a bill to provide for the +resumption of +specie payments. The bill sets forth that it shall hereafter be a +felony +for any person to make tender of any thing other than gold and silver +to +any person of African descent, in any of the States lately in +rebellion. +In moving the bill, the senator said that its passage was imperatively +demanded by several negroes whom he knew, and that he would not consent +to deliver these helpless persons into the hands of their late masters +without some such guarantee as this bill furnished. He quoted from +ARISTOTLE, LOCKE, and BURKE to prove that classes liable to oppression +were apt to be oppressed.</p> + <p>Senator TRUMBULL wished to know what that had to do with the +resumption +of specie payments.</p> + <p>Senator SUMNER considered the inquiry impertinent. The great +principles +of justice were always in order.</p> + <p>Senator GARRET DAVIS took the floor, and made a neat speech of +three +days and a half in opposition to the bill. He said he was a Democrat, +and he always had been a Democrat. The founders of the republic would +weep if they could see what the government had come to. What would CLAY +and CALHOUN have said to seeing such men as his honorable friend from +Nevada (Mr. NYE) and himself in the Senate? If he might be permitted to +infringe upon the domain of the senator from Massachusetts, he would +quote Shakspeare, "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between +heaven and earth?" (Loud applause.) At the close of Mr. DAVIS'S speech +his friends came in from WELCKER'S, and congratulated him on having got +through. Exhausted nature made the Senate adjourn.</p> + <br> + <p>HOUSE.</p> + <p>After some general sparring, of which a set to between Mr. +GARFIELD and +Mr. HAIGHT formed the most conspicuous feature, the cadetship question +came up. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he never had sold any cadetships. +Mr. LOGAN wished to know who said he had. Mr. VOORHEES remarked that +Mr. +LOGAN was another. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he had appointed the son +of a constituent, and that subsequently to the appointment he had taken +a drink at the expense and the request of the constituent. He always +took his straight, and the cost to his constituent was only fifteen +cents. Which one of his colleagues would have acted otherwise? (Voices, +"Not one.")</p> + <p>Mr. BUTLER denounced the course of Mr. VOORHEES. For his part, +he saw no +impropriety in selling cadetships or any thing else. What do gentlemen +suppose that cadetships exist for, if it is not for the emolument of +congressmen? He considered his patronage as a part of his perquisites. +This had been the guiding principle of his life, alike in his military +and his political career. He considered the action of Mr. VOORHEES to +be +an act of deliberate treachery to this House. If he accepted a pitiful +drink in return for his official influence, he was guilty of a gross +offense in cheapening the price of patronage. A cadetship was worth +$500 +if it was worth a cent. If, on the other hand, he gave his cadetship +away, his conduct was even more culpable; for other congressmen might +be +weak enough to follow his baleful example, and the market would be +broken down. He advocated the formation of a Congressional Labor Union +to determine the value of these appointments, and to expel all members +who took less than the standard rate. This was what was done in other +branches of business, and if his colleagues wished to be like him, the +little busy B.F.B., and improve each shining hour, this is what they +would do.</p> + <p>And then the House adjourned.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>READY-MADE EPITAPHS.</b></p> + <p><b>On a Departed Clown.</b></p> + <p>Though lost to sight, to mummery dear.</p> + <p><b>On a Faithful Book-keeper.</b></p> + <p>Posted up.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Wring the Belles.</b></p> + <p>American belles ought to make good housewives, because they +put up with +little or no waist.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>To whom it may Concern.</b></p> + <p>Persons who take music by the wholesale are informed that they +can +procure it of the street organ-grinders, who dispose of it by the +Barrel.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Voice in the Air.</b></p> + <p>"What is honor? Air."—Sir JOHN FALSTAFF.</p> + <p>"What is dishonor? EYRE."—Every body.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The "Cumming" Man.</b></p> + <p>The "sensation" editor of the <i>Sun</i>.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center><img src="images/014.png" alt=""> + <p><b>"BLAG YER BOOTS, MISTER!"</b></p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Huge Sell.</b></p> + <p>The appointing to cadetships at West-Point.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>The Most Religious Editor in New-York.</b></p> + <p>C.A. DANA—because every week-day is observed as a <i>"Sun"</i> +day by him.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Good General Idea.</b></p> + <p>A neat practical joke was that perpetrated by one of our +contributors, +who, having been requested to bring us "something pat," walked into our +office a day or two after with a couple of Fenian generals in tow.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>A Happy Thought.</b></p> + <p>The Elevated Railway is worked by means of what is known to +engineers as +an "endless rope." Might it not be well to work the murderers and +robbers of New-York on the same principle?</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>Abnormal.</b></p> + <p>One of the strangest anomalies in color known is to be +observed at +Mobile and other places on the Southern coast, where black men are +frequently Bay pilots.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p><b>KING OAKEY THE FIRST, OF IRELAND.</b></p> + <p>BY ALDERMAN ROONEY.</p> + <div class="poem"> + <p></p> + <div class="stanza"> + <p></p> + <p class="i4">HOORAH! the dawn begins to break,</p> + <p class="i4">Ould Ireland's sons at last awake,</p> + <p class="i4">And from their sowls the shackles shake</p> + <p class="i6">That long have kept them under.</p> + <p class="i4">Arise, then, brave Phoenicians all,</p> + <p class="i4">Obey your noble gineral's call;</p> + <p class="i4">From off the steps of City Hall</p> + <p class="i6">You hear his voice of thunder!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan</p> + <p>To take ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Go rowl the news across the say,</p> + <p class="i4">Of how we spint the glorious day,</p> + <p class="i4">A hundred thousand on Broadway,</p> + <p class="i6">And more upon the Island.</p> + <p class="i4">Go tell the lords in Parlamint,</p> + <p class="i4">Of how Saint PATRICK'S day was spint,</p> + <p class="i4">And see if they don't reduce the rint</p> + <p class="i6">On every fut of dry land.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan</p> + <p>To take ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Go tell them how you raised the flag,</p> + <p class="i4">The green above their crimson rag,</p> + <p class="i4">And should they talk of Yankee brag,</p> + <p class="i6">We'll tache them how to rue it.</p> + <p class="i4">Go tell them how all day you stud,</p> + <p class="i4">Wid both your nate feet in the mud,</p> + <p class="i4">As if it had been Saxon blood</p> + <p class="i6">And you wor fightin' thro' it!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan</p> + <p>Who've tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man.</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Your innimies say you're not sincere,</p> + <p class="i4">Nor care a straw for Irish here,</p> + <p class="i4">Unless whin 'lection time is near,</p> + <p class="i6">And Irish votes are wanted.</p> + <p class="i4">But don't you throuble yourself at all,</p> + <p class="i4">We'll drive your innimies to the wall;</p> + <p class="i4">We know you better, OAKEY HALL,</p> + <p class="i6">Than take sich stuff for granted.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan</p> + <p>Who've tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">They say you want to be Mayor once more,</p> + <p class="i4">And after that, to be Governore—</p> + <p class="i4">As if you wouldn't be needed before,</p> + <p class="i6">To lade the Faynians over.</p> + <p class="i4">And they say you raise this hullabaloo,</p> + <p class="i4">'Bout Ireland's wrongs, and Cuba's too,</p> + <p class="i4">That Irish fools might cotton to you,</p> + <p class="i6">And you might sit in clover.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But no! for OAKEY, you're the wan</p> + <p>That tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Oh! no; we are not so aisy schooled,</p> + <p class="i4">By slanders bought wid Saxon goold;</p> + <p class="i4">They'll find, who think us so aisy fooled,</p> + <p class="i6">How much they underrate us.</p> + <p class="i4">Then up, mavrone! and take your stand,</p> + <p class="i4">The layder of the Faynian band,</p> + <p class="i4">And King you'll soon be of the land</p> + <p class="i6">Of shamrogues and potatoes!</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan</p> + <p>That tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>We'll pummel the Britishers every man,</p> + <p class="i2">And make you King of Ireland.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">So, good Saint PATRICK, bless the day</p> + <p class="i4">Whin Gineral HALL will march away,</p> + <p class="i4">Across the deep and briny say,</p> + <p class="i6">My country's bonds to sever;</p> + <p class="i4">And bless him whin he goes ashore.</p> + <p class="i4">And whin he walks in British gore,</p> + <p class="i4">And whin he's Ireland's King asthore,</p> + <p class="i6">Oh! may he live forever.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan</p> + <p>That tuk ould Erin by the han';</p> + <p>An' you'll be King of all her lan',</p> + <p class="i2">King OAKEY First, of Ireland.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 800px; height: 2180px;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2" width="30%"> <big><big><b>A.T. +STEWART & +CO.</b></big></big><br> + <br> +ARE MAKING<br> + <br> +GREAT REDUCTIONS<br> + <br> + <b>In the Prices of the Goods</b><br> + <br> +IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS<br> + <br> +OF THEIR<br> + <br> +Retail Establishment,<br> + <br> +NAMELY,<br> + <br> +Silks, Satins, Velvets, Dress Goods,<br> +Laces, Embroideries, Real<br> +India Camel's Hair Shawls,<br> + <br> +Ladies', Misses', and Children's<br> +Walking-Suits, Reception-Dresses,<br> +Morning-Robes, Undergarments.<br> +Infants' Wardrobes,<br> + <br> +Gentlemen's Furnishing Goods of every<br> +Description,<br> + <br> +Housekeeping and House-furnishing<br> +Goods, Linens, Sheetings, Damasks,<br> +Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins,<br> +Towels, Towelings,<br> +Blankets, Flannels,<br> +Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats,<br> +Rugs, English and American<br> +Oil-Cloths,<br> + <br> +Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles,<br> +Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured<br> +Cotelaines, Striped Reps,<br> +Furniture Chintzes,<br> + <br> +Etc., Etc., Etc.,<br> + <br> + <i>AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES.</i><br> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Fourth Avenue and Tenth Street</span>.<br> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>"The cleverest novel of the season."—<i>Baltimore Gazette.</i></p> + <p>D. APPLETON & CO.,</p> + <p><i>Nos. 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,</i></p> + <p>HAVE NOW READY</p> + <p><i>A New Edition</i></p> + <p>OF</p> + <p><b>Red as a Rose is She.</b></p> + <p>By the author of "Cometh up as a Flower."</p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Paper covers, 60 cents.</p> + <p><i>From the Boston Traveller.</i></p> + <p>"After reading such a work, one can no more read an ordinary +book than one could enjoy a lunch on dry bread immediately +after having dined on Curry and Chili, washed +down with burnt brandy."</p> + <p><i>From the Baltimore Gazette.</i></p> + <p>"The cleverest novel of the season. The characters are few, +but remarkably well drawn; the dialogue fresh, crisp, and +sparkling, and the incidents thoroughly natural."</p> + <p><i>From the Cincinnati Chronicle.</i></p> + <p>"There is a singular freshness about this novel, often a +quaint originality of expression, always a smooth rippling of +words not without ideas, of seed thoughts, many of which are +well worth cherishing, and which may germinate and grow +in the reader's mind long after he has forgotten that 'Red +as a Rose is She,' and has ceased to wonder as to who is the +author who has so pleasantly entertained him."</p> + <br> + <p>D. Appleton & Co.</p> + <p>PUBLISH, BY THE SAME AUTHOR,</p> + <p><i>COMETH UP AS A FLOWER.</i></p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents.</p> + <p><i>NOT WISELY BUT TOO WELL.</i></p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents.</p> + <p>Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on +receipt +of the price.</p> + </td> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><span style="font-style: italic;">An Absolutely Pure Article.</span><br> + </p> + <p><br> +THE</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>KNICKERBOCKER</big></p> + <p><big><big><big>Gin Company's</big></big></big></p> + <p>WORLD-RENOWNED</p> + <p>Double Distilled</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">B. & V.'s "ANCHOR" BRAND</p> + <p>OF</p> + <p><big>PURE</big></p> + <p><big><big><big>HOLLAND GIN,</big></big></big></p> + <p>FROM THEIR OWN DISTILLERY AT</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>LEIDEN, NEAR SCHIEDAM, +HOLLAND.</small></p> + <br> + <p>This brand of liquor has obtained a great reputation, not +only in Holland but throughout Europe, where it has been +tested</p> + <p>IN THE MOST CELEBRATED</p> + <p>Chemical Institutions.</p> + <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small><i>MILLIONS OF GALLONS</i></small></p> + <p>Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to +the</p> + <p>EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND AFRICA,</p> + <p>Where it is used</p> + <p>In Preference to any other Brand known.</p> + <br> + <p>Orders will be received at their office,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>No. 15 William Street,</small></p> + <p>For the above, and also for their other importations of</p> + <p>WINES,</p> + <p>BRANDIES,</p> + <p>CIGARS, Etc.,</p> + <p>Which they guarantee as to</p> + <p><i>PURITY AND GENUINENESS.</i></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">KNICKERBOCKER GIN CO.,</p> + <p>15 William Street,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.</big></p> + <p><i>Third Edition.</i></p> + <p>D. APPLETON & CO., +90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, +Have now ready the Third Edition of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>RED AS A ROSE IS SHE.</big></p> + <p>By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower."</p> + <p>1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents.</p> + <p>From the New-York <i>Evening Express</i>. +"This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents +breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title."</p> + <p>From the Philadelphia <i>Inquirer</i>. +"The author can and does write well; the descriptions of +scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and never +overstrained."</p> + <p>D.A. & Co. have just published:</p> + <p>A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE +RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. +By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3.</p> + <p>REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT +OF THEIR VARIOUS ORDERS, WITH A +DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY +OF THE MOST INTERESTING. +By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. +8vo, $6.</p> + <p>HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS +LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES. +By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50.</p> + <p>HAND-BOOK _ THE MASTERY SERIES _ +LEARNING LANGUAGES.</p> + <p>I. THE HAND-BOOK _ THE MASTERY SERIES. +II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. +III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. +IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. +Price, 50 cents each.</p> + <p>Either of the above sent free by mall to any address on +receipt of the price.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="3" width="66%"><br> + <img src="images/016.png" alt=""> + <p><b>LUCIFER INTERVIEWS THE MAYOR.</b></p> + <p><i>Mayor Hall</i>. "WANT YOUR PLACE PAVED, YOU SAY? CERTAINLY, +SIR; HOW WILL +YOU HAVE IT DONE, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS OR WITH BROKEN PROMISES? WE CAN +SUPPLY YOU WITH EITHER AT THE CITY HALL."</p> + <br> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>WALTHAM WATCHES</b></p> + <p>3-4 PLATE.</p> + <p>16 and 20 Sizes.</p> + <p>To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have +devoted all +the science and skill in the art at their command, and confidently +claim +that, for fineness and beauty, no less than for the greater excellences +of mechanical and scientific correctness of design and execution, these +watches are unsurpassed anywhere.</p> + <p>In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of Watches +is not +even attempted except at Waltham.</p> + <p>FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HENRY L. STEPHENS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">ARTIST,</p> + <p>No. 160 Fulton Street,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>Important to Newsdealers!</p> + <p>ALL ORDERS FOR</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO</big></big></big></p> + <p>Will be supplied by</p> + <p>OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>American News Co.</big></p> + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <h2>PUNCHINELLO:</h2> + <h1><b>TERMS TO CLUBS.</b></h1> + <p>WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS</p> + </center> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>FIRST:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,</i></p> + <p>The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced +for spinning +purposes.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>SECOND:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.</i></p> + <p>These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well +as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>THIRD:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER.</i></p> + <p>This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It +knits +every thing.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small><small>FOURTH:</small></small></p> + </center> + <p><i>AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE.</i></p> + <p>This great combination machine is the last and greatest +improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60.</p> + <center style="font-weight: bold;"> + <p><small>WE WILL SEND THE</small></p> + </center> + <table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">Family Spinner,</td> + <td align="left">price, $8,</td> + <td align="left">for 4 subscribers and $16.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No. 1 Crochet,</td> + <td align="left">price, $8,</td> + <td align="left">for 4 subscribers and $16.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No.2 Crochet,</td> + <td align="left">price, $15,</td> + <td align="left">for 6 subscribers and $24.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No. 1 Automatic Knitter,<br> +72 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $30,</td> + <td align="left">for 12 subscribers and $48.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No.2 Automatic Knitter,<br> +84 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $33,</td> + <td align="left">for 13 subscribers and $52.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No.3 Automatic Knitter,<br> +100 needles,</td> + <td align="left">price, $37,</td> + <td align="left">for 15 subscribers and $60.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left">No.4 Automatic Knitter,</td> + <td align="left">2 cylinders,<br> +72 needles<br> +1 100 needles</td> + <td align="left">price, $40.</td> + <td align="left">for 16 subscribers and $64.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left" colspan="2">No. 1 American Buttonhole<br> +and Overseaming Machine,</td> + <td align="left">price, $75,</td> + <td align="left">for 30 subscribers and $120.</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="left">No. 2 American Buttonhole<br> +and Overseaming Machine,</td> + <td align="left"> without buttonhole <br> +parts, etc., </td> + <td align="left">price, $60,</td> + <td align="left">for 25 subscribers and $100.</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Descriptive Circulars</p> + <p>Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this +office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.</p> + <p>Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may +deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four +subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may +send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.</p> + <p>Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, +or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish.</p> + <p>Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net +amount only +will be credited.</p> + <p>Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to +prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State.</p> + <p>The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, +payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription.</p> + <p>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783.</p> + <br> + <p>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY</p> + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street,</p> + <p>NEW-YORK</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER +JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, +April 2, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 1, *** + +***** This file should be named 11177-h.htm or 11177-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/1/7/11177/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, April 2, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 20, 2004 [EBook #11177] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 1, *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General Job Printers, Blank-Book Manufacturers, Stationers, | + | Wholesale and Retail, Lithographic Printers and Engravers, | + | Copper-Plate Engravers and Printers, Card Manufacturers | + | Envelope Manufacturers, Fine Cut and Color Printers | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 Pearl Street, | + | AND | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 Pine Street, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | ADVANTAGE: All on the same premises and under the | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | AGENTS WANTED | + | | + | To canvas every State, County, and Town in the United | + | States for | + | FIRST-CLASS PUBLICATIONS, | + | Popular in Contents, | + | Artistic in Illustration, | + | Admirable in Style of Manufacture, | + | And Easy to Sell. | + | | + | Special Inducements Offered. | + | | + | Apply to J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN | + | COD-LIVER OIL. | + | | + | "Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any | + | Cod-Liver Oil that patients can digest, owing to the | + | objectionable mode of procuring and preparing the livers.... | + | Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil which is | + | perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be | + | wished."--DR. L.A. SAVRE, before Academy of Medicine. See | + | _Medical Record,_ December, 1869, p. 417. | + | | + | SOLD BY DRUGGISTS. | + | W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO., | + | Sole Agents for the United States and Canada. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +VOL. I. No. 1 + + +PUBLISHED BY THE PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + + +AT THEIR OFFICE, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK + +SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 1870 + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE COLLINS | + | | + | Watch Factory. | + | | + | THE CELEBRATED IMITATION | + | | + | GOLD HUNTING WATCHES. | + | | + | "Collins Metal," (Improved Oroide.) | + | | + | These Justly celebrated Watches have, been so thoroughly | + | tested during the last four years, and their reputation for | + | time and as Imitation of Gold Watches is so well established | + |as to require no recommendations. They retain their color; and| + | each on is fully guaranteed by special certificate. | + | | + | PRICES: | + | HORIZONTAL WATCHES................ $10 | + | FULL-JEWELED PATENT LEVERS......... 15 | + | | + |(Equal in appearance and for time to gold ones costing $150.) | + |Those of extra fine finish, $20. (Equaling a $200 gold watch.)| + |Also, an extra heavy, superbly finished, and splendid watch at| + | $25. This equals in appearance a $250 gold one. All our | + | watches are in hunting cases, Gent's and Ladies' sizes. | + | Chains, $2 to $8. | + | | + | Also, Jewelry of every kind, equal to gold, at one tenth the | + | price. | + | | + | "The goods of C.E. Collins & Co. have invariably given | + | satisfaction."--_N.Y. Times._ | + | | + | "One of the $20 watches is worn in our office, and we have | + | no hesitation in recommending them."--_Pomeroy's Democrat._ | + | | + | | + | TO CLUBS. | + | | + | Where Six Watches are ordered at one time, we send a | + | Seventh Watch free. | + | | + | Goods sent by express to all parts of the United States, to | + | be paid for on delivery. | + | | + | C.E. COLLINS & CO., | + | | + | No. 335 Broadway, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 Liberty Street, New-York. | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent | + | to any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money | + | by calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GUFFROY'S | + | | + | COD-LIVER DRAGEES. | + | | + | SUGAR-COATED PILLS OF COD-LIVER EXTRACT. | + | | + |A perfect substitute for Cod-Liver Oil, more efficacious, more| + |economical, and free from all its disagreeable qualities. Used| + | in English, French, and American hospitals, and highly | + | recommended by the Medical Faculty here and in Europe. | + | | + | Send for a pamphlet, which contains many very emphatic | + | testimonials from eminent physicians who have tried them. | + | | + | Ward, Southerland & Co., | + | | + | 130 William Street, New-York. | + | | + | A box of 240 Dragees, equal to six pints Cod-Liver Oil, $2. | + | Sent by mail on receipt of price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMER, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ART PRINCIPLES. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN DRAWING BOOK, | + | | + | BY J.G. CHAPMAN, N.A. | + | | + | A manual for the Amateur, and Basis of study for the | + | Professional Artist. Adapted for schools and Private | + | Instruction. | + | | + | Price, $6. | + | | + | To be had of dealers, or from the Publishers, by mail | + | post-paid on receipt of price. | + | | + | A.S. BARNES & CO., | + | | + | _111 and 113 William. Street, New-York._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | | + | The first number of which will be issued under date of April | + | 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will | + | endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the | + | country; and to that end has secured a | + | | + | VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS | + | | + | in various sections of the Union, while its columnists will | + | always be open to appropriate first-class literary and | + | artistic talent. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable news-dealers | + | who have the judgement to know a good thing when they see | + | it, or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. | + | Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed | + | him in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by | + | leading artist in the respective specialties. | + | | + | The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM | + | A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, | + | both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications can not be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance.........................$4.00 | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of | + | ten cents. | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper price, $2.50, for.................$5.50 | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper price $4, for.....$7.00 | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | (_For terms to Clubs, see 16th. page._) | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered to members residence for five cents each | + | delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR | + | | + | SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | SYPHER & CO., | + | | + | (SUCCESSORS TO D. MARLEY.) | + | | + | No. 557: Broadway, New-York, | + | | + | MODERN AND ANTIQUE | + | | + | FURNITURE, | + | BRONZES, | + | CHINA, | + | AND | + | | + | ARTICLES OF VERTU. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | American Buttonhole, Overseaming | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 563 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + |improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to all| + | the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + |$60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to| + | manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the market. | + |Machines warranted, and full instruction given to purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | BELMONT HOTEL. | + | | + | J.P. RICHARDS, Proprietor. | + | | + | DINING ROOMS. | + | | + | | + | Rooms 50c., 75c., and $1 per night. | + | | + | 133, 135, and 137 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | DOUGAN, | + | | + | PRACTICAL HATTER, | + | | + | 102 NASSAU STREET, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +PREFACE + +PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. No. 1. + +(Suggestion: "Take care of No. 1.") + +PUNCHINELLO TO THE PUBLIC, GREETING: + +His name, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will not be found a difficult one to +articulate. He flatters himself that it has a smack of grape-juice and +olives about it. It rhymes with "mellow," which naturally brings us to +"good fellow.". On occasions PUNCHINELLO can "bellow," cut a "tremendous +swell," O, and he never throws away a chance of pocketing the "yellow." +He would like to rhyme with "swallow;" but alas! it can not, can not be. + +And yet, in spite of (or perhaps on account of) PUNCHINELLO'S +mellifluous name, much cavil has been brought to bear upon him. (Prepare +to receive cavilry.) + +Squadrons of well-meaning persons with speaking-trumpets marched to and +fro before the sponsors of PUNCHINELLO, each roaring at them to stop +such a name as _that_, and attend to _his_ suggestion, and his only. + +One did not like PUNCHINELLO because it means a "little Punch," and +he--the speaking-trumpeter--liked a great deal; and lo! while he spoke, +he changed his trumpet for several horns. Then he was taken with a fit +of herpetology in his boots, and sank to advise no more. + +Another--a fellow with an infinite fancy for buffo minstrelsy--was +vociferous that PUNCHINELLO should be called "Tommy Dodd." The +discussion upon this lasted for three months; but finally, "Tommy Dodd" +was rejected on account of the superfluously aristocratic aroma that +exhaled from the name. + +Four divisions of men with banners then came by, each division +respectively composed of members of the waning families of Smith, Brown, +Jones, and Robinson, and each division bawled and thundered that the +name round which it rallied should be adopted instead of PUNCHINELLO, on +pain of death. + +And thousands of others came with suggestions of a like sort; for which +some of them wanted "stamps." And when they had all had their say, +PUNCHINELLO was called PUNCHINELLO, and nothing else--a name by which he +means to stand or fall. + +And now to business. PUNCHINELLO is not going to define his position +here. He refrains from boring his readers with prolix gammon about his +foreign and domestic relations. He will content himself (and readers, he +hopes) by briefly mentioning that he has foreign and domestic relations +in every part of the habitable globe, and that they each and all furnish +him with correspondence of the most reliable and spicy character, +regularly and for publication. Among his foreign relations he is happy +to reckon M. MEISSONNIER, the celebrated French artist, to whom he is +indebted for the original painting from which PUNCHINELLO, as he appears +on his own title-page, is taken. + +A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of great +humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress. +PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these +with a light finger. (No allusion, here, to the "light-fingered gentry," +for whom PUNCHINELLO keeps a large grape vine in pickle.) + +PUNCHINELLO observes the incipient tendency to return to specie +payments. To this revival, however, he is not as yet prepared to give +his adhesion, though, on the whole, he considers it preferable to +relapsing fever, which is also noted on 'Change. Cuba shall have her due +share of attention from him. And if She-Cuba, (Queen of the Antilles, +you know,) why not also He-Cuba?--lovely and preposterous woman, who, +from her eagerness to slip on certain habiliments that are masculine, +but shall here be nameless, shall henceforth be appropriately +distinguished by that name. + +Let other important topics take care of themselves. PUNCHINELLO will +only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers +than _habeas corpus_, and that he means to take the gloss off the grim +joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York." + +It is pleasant for PUNCHINELLO to draw the attention of his readers to +the fact that this, his First Number, is dated April 2d--the day after +All Fools' Day. This is cheering; since thus it is manifest that +PUNCHINELLO leaves all the fools and jesters behind, and is, therefore, +first in the race for the crown of comic laurel and the quiver of +satiric shafts. + +And now, by DAN PHOEBUS!--that's the DAN (ah!) that drives the _Sun_, you +know, and is the biggest spot upon it--here we find that we have talked +ourself all the way to DELMONICO'S, and there's CHARLEY on the lookout. + +_Punchinello:_ "Good evening, Mr. DELMONICO; have you any room for us?" + +_Delmonico:_ "You are very welcome, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and your rooms are +quite ready; for we have been expecting you ever so long. Of course, +your staff of artists can be accommodated in our Drawing-room, if you +will permit me to throw off so insignificant a joke." + +_Punchinello:_ "Tut, CHARLES!--'tis a joke of the first water, (first +brandy-and-water, CHARLES.) Cap your joke with another as good, and then +consider yourself on our staff. Lead us to our apartments, CHARLES." + +And so, looking from his pleasant Fifth Avenue windows, PUNCHINELLO +waves a salutation to his audience with a "May you be happy, each and +all of you, and live all your days in clover," (admission ten cents.) + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S NEW CHARTER. + +THE GREAT PLATFORM OF THE RINGS. + + The Lions and the Lambs lie down together, + While the "Sun" stands still. + + +The People of the State of New-York, represented by PUNCHINELLO and his +troop of admirers, hereby enact: + +Sec. 1. All the offices now provided by law with within the City and County +of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag; + +Sec. 2. It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of the Central Park to +devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of +poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the +grab-bag. + +Sec. 3. HORACE GREELEY, PETER COOPER, the Rev. Dr. THOMPSON, DANIEL DREW, +and REDDY THE BLACKSMITH, are hereby constituted Inspectors and +Canvassers for the grabbers. + +Sec. 4. It shall be the duty of the said inspectors to prepare a +registry-list of all the persons intending to grab, who are required to +serve a notice of intention through the post-office upon REDDY THE +BLACKSMITH, the Chairman. DANIEL DREW is to provide funds wherewith to +pay the postage. + +Sec. 5. The registry-list shall be alphabetically prepared, and the number +of chances shall be determined by dividing the number of grabbers by the +number of offices. + +Sec. 6. The grabbers shall be selected by lot. + +Sec. 7. The lots shall be drawn by REDDY THE BLACKSMITH from his own hat, +his eyes wide open, while every other inspector, and the voters, shall +be blindfolded with newspapers from the files of the _Christian Union_; +whereupon, as the names of the fortunate grabbers are called, each one +shall proceed to the grab-bag and grab his office. + +Sec. 8. There shall be no repeaters of the process. + +Sec. 9. The persons thus grabbing offices shall be then and there, by the +Inspectors, declared duly elected to the offices grabbed, for life. + +Sec. 10. Any vacancy occurring by assassination shall be immediately filled +by the Inspectors appointing the assassin. + +Sec. 11. Every person owning real estate on the Island shall contribute one +ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following +Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the +Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable +contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided +among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted +to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement. + +Sec. 12. Owners of real estate in the city of New York are hereby allowed +to make their own arrangements with the gas companies for the supply of +light; but nothing herein shall be construed to devote any part of the +proceeds to light the public streets at night and real estate owners +shall be allowed to make their own arrangements for the supply of water +with the grab income-bents of the Croton Grab Board. + +Sec. 13. The sewers of the city shall be converted to burial places for +persons assassinated at political meetings. + +Sec. 14. Nothing herein contained shall be so construed as to permit any +judge to grant an injunction against any grabbers of the offices. + +Sec. 15. The "dead-beats," heretofore known as policemen and soldiers of +the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall be +a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a +six-shooter. + +Sec. 16. All provisions of the United States or State constitutions +inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed. + + * * * * * + +From Gertrude of Wyoming. + +Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does not +follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the +women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally +supply the family linen. + + * * * * * + +SURE TO BE LOST AT C.--Signor LEFRANC's voice, if he continues to +recklessly strain it with his chest C. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE FAMILY. + +As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be extended into +all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. Every +other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes, +cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts; and PUNCHINELLO, +intending to offer the most advantages, expects to become so necessary +to the economical housewife and the prudent bread-winner that no family +will be able to do without him. So, with no further prologue, we will +present our readers with some valuable hints in regard to the use that +can be made of things that often lie about the house gathering +dust--idle clutter and of no service to any body. The first hint, we +know, if followed up, will be found of the greatest advantage to all, +yielding great measure of convenience at little cost. Take a wide +board--as wide as you can get it--and as long as it will cut without +cracks or knotholes, and saw the ends off square. Then bore four large +holes in the corners, and insert the ends of four sticks, each about +three feet long. Place it upon the floor, so that the board will be +supported by the sticks, thus: + +[Illustration] + +This contrivance will be found very useful for various purposes. It will +do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any +other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household +objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to +serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. If on such +occasions it be covered with a white linen or cotton cloth, its +appearance will be much improved, and in time it can not fail to become +a favorite article of furniture. + +The next hint will please the ladies. Take two pieces of cotton or +woolen cloth, of any size from two inches to a foot square, and sew them +together at the edges, leaving, however, a small place unsewed at one +corner. You will now find that you have something like a square bag. +This is to be tightly filled with wool, bran, mowings, clippings of +human hair, or something of the kind, and the open corner is then to be +sewed up. When finished, the affair will assume this appearance and will +be found very useful for the preservation of pins. The manner of using +it is as follows: you take the pin in the hand and firmly press it into +the bag, when it will be found that the body of the pin will easily +enter, but that the head will prevent its entire disappearance. The +stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight +degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious +little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always +hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more +economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the +pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. The top and +corners can be ornamented _a discretion_. + +[Illustration] + +Hint the third is especially addressed to country families. Take one of +the ordinary toilet-tables that are to be found in so many rural +habitations, and, on removing the white cover, you will probably find +that the table is formed of an empty flour-barrel with a board nailed on +top of it. Remove this board; get a head from another barrel of the same +size; place it properly upon the top; put some good hoops around the +ends, nail it all up tightly, and you will find that you will have a +very good barrel. + + * * * * * + +Founded upon Fact. + +Why is BRENTANO like a hardware man? + +Because he keeps _Tomahawks_ for sale. + + * * * * * + +Definition by an Envious Wood-Engraver. + +ZINCALI--Artists who draw on zinc plates. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN AGGRAVATED CASE. + +_Man with Muffler_. "IT ISN'T THE FACT OF THE SORE THROAT I MIND SO MUCH +AS THE SUSPICION THAT I CAUGHT IT FROM THAT BEASTLY SNOB, BURLAPS, WHO +OCCUPIES THE ROOMS OPPOSITE."] + + * * * * * + +Truly Noble. + +We have been requested to publish the following letter: + +NEW-YORK, March 1, 1870. + +TO THE PATRIOTS HAVING CHARGE OF THE MONUMENT TO VICTOR NOIR: + +GENTLEMEN: I honor the brave! I am of America, American! I import from +bleeding France her brandy, her champagne, her claret, her olives, and +her sardines. I dispose of them at 1108 Lispenard street, New-York, +where my peculiar facilities enable me to offer unusual inducements to +the trade! I am with you and against tyrants! _Vive la freedom!_ I +inclose seven francs as a contribution to the monument! D.E.D. BEHTE. + + * * * * * + +Perennius AEre. + +In view of the recent long and luminous discourse by a distinguished +United States Senator upon the subject of the funding bill, it is +respectfully suggested that a part of the amount to be saved to the +nation by this financial scheme shall be devoted to the erection of a +"palace lifting to eternal SUMNER!" + + * * * * * + +A Question for Ben Butler's Nurse. + +Was the honorable member from Massachusetts _really_ born with a silver +spoon in his _mouth_? + + * * * * * + +The Witch and the Switch. + +Fashionable women are like the conventional school-mistress--they +believe in the switch. + + * * * * * + +Naughty. + +When did the people send a cipher to the State Senate? When they sent +NORT-on there. + + * * * * * + +THE MARINER'S WRONGS. + +Within the memories of men who are not yet old, the sailor was always +looked upon and talked about as "a jolly dog." There was a glamour of +romance about him when he was at sea, and "JACK ashore" was for ages +held up as the presentment of all that was happy, and contented, and +free from care. His hardest duty was supposed to be shinning up the +ratlin to "reef," or "brail up," or "splice the mainbrace," or do some +other of those mysterious things that caused him to look so mythical to +the minds of land-lubbers and the simple-hearted kind of women that used +to be, but now no longer are. His lighter hours (about eighteen out of +the twenty-four) were passed in terpsichorean performances on the +"fo'k'sl," and were so fascinating to the shorey mind that music was +specially composed for them, and the "Sailor's Hornpipe" is one of the +scourges inflicted upon mortals, for their sins, by barrel-organists at +the present day. Grog was dealt out to him by the gallon, and, as for +"backy," the light-hearted fellow was never allowed to suffer for want +of _that_; so that his happiness may be said to have been complete. + +Things are sadly changed, now, with regard to poor JACK. Every day we +read of outrageous assaults upon him with marline-spikes and other +perverted marine stores, by brutal skippers and flagitious mates, whose +proper end would be the yard-arm and the rope's end. All belaying-pin +and no pay has made JACK a dull boy. His windpipe refuses to furnish the +whilom exhilarating tooraloo for his hornpipe. Silent are the "yarns" +with which he used to while away the time when off his watch and +huddling under the lee of the capstan with his messmates. And then, when +he comes ashore, it is only to be devoured by the sharks that lie in +wait for him and drag him away bodily to their obscene "boarding-house" +dens. + +Once on a time JACK, when in dock, used to make holiday of it on Sunday. +He looked as gay as a tobacconist's sign when rigged out in his best +blue for a lark ashore, where he was occasionally to be seen on +horseback with a row of his jovial messmates, all of them sitting with +their backs to the horse's head, and the sternmost of them steering the +bewildered animal by his tail. Now there seems to be a movement to cut +off from JACK even the holiday to which he is surely entitled. The +captain of a bark, lying at San Francisco, has lately stopped wages, to +the amount of sixty-five dollars, from a seaman, because the latter +refused to assist in discharging cargo on Sunday. Blue has, in one +sense, always been JACK's favorite color; but if this sort of thing goes +on much further, he must become bluer than ever, and his cheerless +condition will be such that he will not have a cheer left to shake the +welkin with when he helps to man the yards. + + * * * * * + +Postal. + +Frankly speaking, can Senator REVEL's letters be called _Blackmail_? + + * * * * * + +Propagandism. + +Ancient Rome was saved by a proper goose; modern Rome by a proper +gander. + + * * * * * + +The Sheriff's party tell us that they are always "watch"ful in the +interest of the tax-payers. So they should be, for don't they own the +most "repeaters"? + + * * * * * + +The Plays and Shows. + +HAMLET--WITH A YELLOW WIG. + +The poet--his name is of no consequence--has defined the evening as + +"The close of the day when the HAMLET is still." + +Evidently he was a bucolic, and not a metropolitan poet. Otherwise he +would have remembered that the close of the day, or, to speak with +mathematical accuracy, the hour of eight P.M., is precisely the time +when the HAMLET of a well-regulated theatrical community begins to make +himself vocally prominent. A few nights since, we had no less than three +HAMLETS propounding at the same time the unnecessary question, whether +to be or not to be is the correct thing. The serious HAMLET of the eagle +eye, and the burlesque HAMLET of the vulpine nose, are with us yet; but +the rival of the latter, the HAMLET of the taurine neck, has gone to +Boston, where his wiggish peculiarity will he better appreciated than it +was in this Democratic city. + +The late Mr. WEGG prided himself upon being a literary man--with a +wooden leg. Mr. FECHTER aspires to be a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Mr. +WEGG had this advantage over Mr. FECHTER, that his literary ability did +not wholly depend upon his ligneous leg. Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET, on the +contrary, owes its existence solely to his wig. The key to his +popularity must he sought in his yellow locks. + +There are, it is true, meritorious points in Mr. FECHTER'S Dane. One is +his skill in fencing; another, the fact that he finally suffers himself +to be killed. Unfortunately, this latter redeeming incident takes place +only in the last scene of the play, and the Fat Prince has therefore +abundant previous opportunity to mar the superb acting of Miss LECLERCQ. +Why this admirable artist did not insist that her OPHELIA should receive +a better support than was furnished by Messrs. BANGS, LEVICK, and +FECHTER, at Niblo's Garden, is an insoluble mystery. She must have +perceived the absurdity of drowning herself for a Prince--fair, fat, and +faulty--who refused to give her a share of his "loaf," and denied, with +an evident eye to a possible breach of promise suit, that he had given +her any "bresents." + +That Mr. FECHTER speaks English imperfectly is, however, the least of +his defects. If he could not speak at all, his audience would have +reason for self-congratulation. We might, too, forget that he is an +obese, round-shouldered, short-necked, and eminently beery HAMLET, with +a tendency to speak through his nose. But how can we overlook his +incapacity to express the subtle changes of HAMLET'S ever questioning +mind? One of his admirers has recently quoted RUSKIN in his support. MR. +FECHTER gives no heed to RUSKIN'S axiom, that all true art is delicate +art. There is no delicacy in his conception of HAMLET. True, he is +impulsive and sensitive; but this is due to his physical and not to his +mental organization. A HAMLET without delicacy is quite as intolerable a +spectacle as a _Grande Duchesse_ without decency. + +What, then, has given him his reputation? The answer is evident;--His +yellow wig. NAPOLEON gilded the dome of the _Invalides_, and the +Parisians forgot to murmur at the arbitrary acts of his reign. Mr. +FECHTER crowns himself with a golden wig, and the public forgets to +murmur at the five acts of his HAMLET. + +In all other respects Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET is inferior to that of his +rival Mr. FOX. It is not nearly as funny, and it is much less +impressive. Both actors are wrong, however, in not omitting the +graveyard scene. To make a burlesque of Death is to unlawfully invade +the province of Messrs. BEECHER and FROTHINGHAM. + +The popularity of Mr. FECHTER is only a new proof of the potency of +yellow hair. It is the yellow hair of the British blonde, joined to that +kindliness of disposition with which--like a personification of +Charity--she "bareth all things," that makes her a thing of beauty in +the eyes of R.G.W., and a joy for as many seasons as her hair will keep +its color. It is because Mr. FECHTER decided that the hair presumptive +of the Royal Dane must have been yellow, that his name has grown famous +in England. + +The veracious chronicler relates that, on one occasion, Mr. VENUS +deprived his literary friend with a wooden leg of that useful appendage. +But that act of constructive mayhem did not destroy Mr. WEGG'S literary +reputation. Can MR. FECHTER'S HAMLET endure an analogous test? If he has +confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a +change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of +hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET +with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than simply +a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Until then we shall be constrained to class +him with the other blonde burlesquers. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +WHAT THE PRESS IS EXPECTED TO SAY OF US. + + +There is no trash in this paper.--_Literary Standard_. + +PUNCHINELLO is a perfect beauty, and good as beautiful.--_Moralist_. + +--a most suitable companion for our walks and meditations.--_Casuist_. + +PUNCHINELLO pays beautifully.--_Cash Account_. + +--just the thing for our mothers-in-law.--_Domestic-Hearth_. + +--its wisdom and learning are equally remarkable.--_College Club_. + +PUNCHINELLO deserves to be styled A Brick.--_Midnight Male_. + +--the most irreproachable thing going; and every man who does not buy a +copy for himself, every week, and another for his wife, with one for +each of his children, is a brute.--_Plain Speaker_. + +--bully.--_Western Grazier_. + +--knows beans.--_Horticulturist_. + +--up to snuff.--_Market Reporter_. + +--cock of the walk.--_Prairie Chicken_. + +--perfectly lovely.--_Ladies' Voice_. + +--read it, try to parse it, and then set it to music and sing +it.--_Yankee Teacher_. + +--the thing we dreamed of, longed for, sighed for, and paid +for.--_Public at Large_. + + * * * * * + +A Walking Fish. + +The Walk in life of Mr. Secretary of State FISH, considering him as a +private individual, has hitherto been irreproachable. Nevertheless, his +walk might be much improved by President GRANT, if the latter would only +teach him to Walk Spanish. + + * * * * * + +"Hole-in-the-Day." + +It is stated, though on what authority we are unable to say, that the +Philadelphia _Day_ is printed on straw paper made from the surplus +straw-hats that formed an item of a notorious government contract +negotiated during the war. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MESMERISM IN WALL STREET. + +_First Lady Broker, (entrancing subject.)_ "THERE, I'VE GOT HIM TO THE +POINT NOW. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, QUICK." + +_Commodore V-nd-rb-lt, (murmurs.)_ "SELL ME ONE THOUSAND SHARES +CENTRAL." + +_Second Lady Broker._ "BOOKED!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF CAPTAIN EYRE, + +OF THE PACIFIC AND ORIENTAL STEAMSHIP "BOMBAY." + + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed, + When I sailed; + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed; + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, a true British snob, I swear, + Who for Yankees didn't care, as I sailed. + + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed, + Ere I sailed; + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed; + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, that JOHN BULL his fingers snaps + At the "cussed Yankee chaps," ere I sailed. + + So I steered across the seas, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + I steered across the seas, as I sailed; + I steered across the seas, and swilled my hale at hease; + I was master, "if you please," as I sailed. + + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed; + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, and wore her colors too, + Like a British sailor true, as I sailed. + + Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed; + Off the shore of far Japan, I a Yankee ship did scan, + That with helm a-starboard ran, as I sailed. + + A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed; + A curse rose to my lip as on the Yankee ship + Through the darkness I did slip, as I sailed. + + And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed; + Ay, I ran the Yankee down, and I left the dogs to drown, + While to Yokohama town on I sailed. + + They say they showed a light, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + They say they showed a light, as I sailed; + They say they showed a light, to tell their hopeless plight, + But "I served them bloody right," as I sailed! + + For my name is Captain EYRE, as I sail, + As I sail; + My name is Captain EYRE, as I sail; + For my name is Captain EYRE, and it's d-----d absurd, I swear, + That for Yankees I should care, as I sail! + + * * * * * + +"Arcades Ambo." + +As there seem to be some disorganizing elements just now at work in the +ancient and honorable order of the Knights of Pythias, might it not be +well for them to compromise by a fraternal secession of the discontented +spirits, who could form a kindred order under the title of the Deys of +Damon? + + * * * * * + +USEFUL MATERIAL FOR FANCY CLOG-DANCERS--Sandal-wood. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: + +March 4, 1869. +A GIANT AMONG THE PIGMIES. + +March 4, 1870. +A PIGMY AMONG THE GIANTS.] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET. + +That it is not PUNCHINELLO'S intention to overlook Wall street, may be +absolutely taken at par. To look over Wall street is quite another +matter, and P. knows how to do it to a T. Many a time at midnight, from +his perch on the tip of the spire of Old Trinity, (a tip-top point from +which to look over Wall street--you see the point?) has PUNCHINELLO +beheld the ghosts of dead speculations floating hopelessly through the +murky air. It could not be said of them that there was "no speculation +in those eyes." The ghost of a dead speculation was never so utterly +damned, the eyes of a ghost of a dead speculation were never so +absolutely dimmed, but that speculation of some kind might be discerned +fluttering like a mummy-cloth from the shadowy outline of the former, +and gleaming feebly from the gloomy goggles of the latter. Gleam on, +poor ghosts! Goggle while you may, and gibber. PUNCHINELLO watches you +with interest, (25 per cent.,) as you are weighed down to the very dirt +of The Street by the night-fog of Despair, flapping your wings on a very +small "margin," as if attempting vainly to "operate for a rise." Go +down, poor ghosts; repair to your incandescent place below, for there is +no hope for you. As we sit here upon our spire, we can not say to you, +_Dum spiramus speramus_. Alas! no. We would like to do so, of course; +but our sense of truth revolts against the enunciation of such a +taradiddle. + +Soon after daylight has been fully turned on, it is the wont of +PUNCHINELLO to descend from his perch on the church, (rhyme,) and roam +waywardly and invisibly among the denizens who occupy the dens of The +Street. He knows all the ins and outs of the place, and has long been +disgustingly familiar with its ups and downs. Gently has he dabbled in +stocks, and no modern operator is half so conversant an he is with the +juggles of the Stock Exchange. PUNCHINELLO, though as fresh and frisky, +in mind and body, as a kid on a June morning, is older than he chooses +to let every body know. Bless you all, readers dear! he was by when the +Tulip Mania was hatched, (mixed figure,) and it was he who punctured the +great South Sea Bubble, and sent it on a burst. Ha! ha! he-e-e!--how he +laughs when he recurs to those days of the long, long ago, with their +miserable little swindles, no better than farthing candles, (allowable +rhyme,) and their puny dodges devised for flagellating LUCIFER round a +stump. + +Just think of a lot of fellows pretending to play at Tulipmaniacs +bolting Bubble-and-squeak, and not a jockey among them all had ever +heard of "puts" and "calls." Deuce a one of them know a "corner" from a +cockatrice's egg, and if you had mentioned a "scoop" to the most +intelligent of them, he'd have sworn that you had been and gone and +swallowed a Scandinavian dictionary. (N.B. In this application the nave +in Scandinavian might properly be spelt with a k.) Ah! yes, yes: +What-d'ye-call him was wide-awake when he remarked to Thingumbob that +"the world _does move_." + +How strong the contrast to PUNCHINELLO as he glides, invisible, to and +fro among the bulls and bears on 'Change, observing the "modern +instances" of their improved manner of doing business, and taking all +their devices into the corner of his brightest eye! (The only safe +"corner" _he_ knows of on The Street.) How he chuckles as he observes +the ways of 'em--sees a bear selling that which he hasn't, and a bull +buying that which he doesn't want--all "on a margin" and to "settle +regular," of course. Bless you! children of the modern Mammon. Go in and +win, or lose if you find it more exciting. Learn to control finances, if +you would fain grow to be good men and contribute hereafter good men to +the taxable population. Proceed with your virtuous transactions on +'Change. Never mind each other's toes; they who have corns must not care +for being cornered. (Meant playfully.) Inflate the market with your +heavy purchases. Blow the market, and "corner the shorts." Be a "bear," +if you will; and when you play at "bull," remember the frog in the +fable, who would be an ox, and went on inflating until he burst. + +You bloated stockmonger there, with your hands in your pockets and your +eye on the mean chance, what care you how much capital is represented by +certificates issued? "That's played out," you say? You know it is, you +slimy salamander, and so does PUNCHINELLO. You know that by the use of +convertible bonds capital can be increased or diminished _ad infinitum_. +Loan your millions to Erie, to save it from destruction or the Sheriff, +(synonymous terms,) and you will derive sweet consolation from the +consciousness of your power to add or diminish at will. + +Look at the "Great Waterer." When he chose to "snake away" Erie from its +friends, and make it tributary to New-York Central, the printing-press +was at work--a fact which he did not discover until he had paid out ten +millions. Then the foreigners purchased ream after ream of certificates +to control Erie, and to-day their stock is declared not worth a row of +pins, owing to the piles of money swallowed by the afflictive suits on +the stamped certificates. + +Observe SNIGGER and SNAGGER, too; mark the goings and comings of these +partners in business and iniquity. How regularly they have kept swearing +that their business never paid, and yet their dividends always increased +when they wished to distribute their stock. + +And here is one who--more audacious, far, than King CANUTE of old--would +control even the ocean. This man starts a Pacific Mail with a capital of +ten millions, increases the amount to twenty millions, and swears it is +worth thirty. Then he "puts his foot in it" and shows the knave in his +deal, (dealings--jocular,) by selling the stock at thirty-five. + +This from PUNCHINELLO, as he looks over The Street--and through it--from +his lofty pinnacle. Don't strain your precious eyes and necks in +fruitless endeavors to discover him there, since he can make himself +invisible at will. But listen, ye men of The Street, with all your ears, +(Erie,) and you will hear a solemn chant like unto that of the _muezzin_ +from the minaret. 'Tis the voice of PUNCHINELLO wafting sonorously from +his tower the instructive moral-- + + "Whoe'er sells stocks as isn't his'n, + Must pay up or go to pris'n." + + * * * * * + +A New Conglomerate Pavement. + +It was well said by a saucy Frenchman, "that England had fifty religions +but only one sauce." Paraphrasing this loosely, we may say of New-York, +that she has a dozen different pavements and deuce a good one. There was +the "Russ," on which the horses used to be "let slide," but couldn't +trot; the "Belgian," of dubious repute; the "Nicholson," which, from its +material, must have been invented by "Nick of the Woods;" the +"Mouse-trap," set to catch other things than mice; the "Fiske," a +pavement pitched in altogether too high a key to be pleasant; The +"Stafford," the "Stow," and several others which it would be painful to +enumerate here. Why doesn't the daily press look lively, and devise a +better pavement than any of these? There's STONE, of the _Journal of +Commerce_; WOOD, of the _News_; MARBLE, of the _World_; and BRICK, of +the _Democrat_. Let them put their heads together and give us a good +conglomerate. + + * * * * * + +A Hopeful Anticipation. + +Now that the darkeys are about to take part in national legislation, we +shall probably be able to negrotiate a postal treaty with France. + + * * * * * + +On one Drowned. + +He left a large circle, etc.! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHY WITH CUBA. + +_Enthusiastic Sympathizer._ "What I say is, we _must_ have our cigars; +and _therefore_, Cuba _must_ be ours."] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S LYRICS. + +No. 1. + + Ho! I am the jolly repeater, + And I train with the magical band, + Who the legerdemain of the ballot + With the skill of a wizard command. + + Once a year every poll I explore, + Honest voting is Greenland to me; + Free suffrage is ever my motto, + To my amnesty judges agree. + + The trickster inspector I loathe, sir! + Or the canvasser's pencils that thieve; + Voting early and often is nobler + Than ballots to change from one's sleeve. + + No eight hours' labor I ask for, + Votes from sunrise to sunset I cast; + They are bread on political waters, + And my sinecures follow them fast. + + WILLIAM B. and his millionaire crew + Will only vote once, sir; while I + (Who to scorn laugh the honest assessors) + Plump a score to their one--on the sly! + + Who asks for my name? I repeat it-- + Ho! the jolly repeater am I; + Each book of the registry knows me, + And I'm now in the market--Who'll buy? + +(The above may be sung _da capo_, which is Italian for "repeat.") + + * * * * * + +Music and Morals in Chicago. + +The _Marriage of Figaro_ did not interest the Chicago people when it was +produced in that peculiar city. Had it been called the "Divorce of +Figaro," it would have aroused their warmest admiration. + + * * * * * + +MR. GREELEY'S AIDS TO LITERARY EFFORT. + +On the general principle that "no one is a hero to his valet," not even +a valetudinarian, it may be safely asserted that the divinity that doth +hedge most great writers is lost the moment their admirers become +acquainted with their habits of thought and methods of composition. The +popular delusion that H.G. "knows every thing" is calculated to work +indefinite injury to some modest men who are supposed to "know +something." GREELEY'S mind, like a _camera obscura_, may be said to +retain its impressions while in the dark, and to lose them when exposed +to the light. He has never, to any extent, heeded the scriptural +injunction against walking in darkness, which explains why so many +_Tribune_ readers are in the dark concerning the truth and justice of +popular questions. Consequently, as in the case of other great men, when +GREELEY'S mind becomes pregnant with a theme, moved to pity by the +neglected education and limited mental resources of many of his readers, +he repairs to one of his numerous literary lairs, and ransacks the pages +of the Past for plunder befitting his pen and party. When he is about to +write an editorial article on Protection, he invariably prepares his +mind by reading several chapters on the "Manly Art of Self-Defense," +which accounts for the wisdom and brilliancy displayed by him on the +subject of tariffs. In order to approach a discussion of the subject of +vegetarianism without prejudice, H.G. repairs to the wheezy WINDUST'S, +where, for hours at a time, he literally "crams" with his favorite dish +of pork and beans. The Amelioration of the condition of the Working +Classes is another favorite theme with GREELEY, and, in order to discuss +clearly and cogently the many phases and ramifications of this lively +and exciting topic, he devotes several hours to the study of "Idleness +as a Fine Art." Before writing a particularly funny or spirited article +upon Politics, the Fine Arts, or the Drama, H.G., it is said, may be +seen for several hours at the Astor Library, poring over BURTON'S +_Anatomy of Melancholy_. While in the throes of literary labor upon _The +Great Conflict_, he had numerous dogmatic discussions with Mr. KIT +BURNS, participated in several flights of the "fancy" to the +bird-battling haunts of New Jersey, and even pursued the ministers of +muscle to the scene of their bucolic pastimes in the P.R. It is, +perhaps, unnecessary to remark that Mr. GREELEY'S _Recollections of a +Busy Life_ were inspired almost directly by frequent collusion with the +pages of DE QUINCEY and COLERIDGE, whose wild lives and turbulent +experiences possess a peculiar charm for the Triton of the _Tribune_. +When Mr. GREELEY wishes to write against capital punishment--which he +does about every time the moon changes--he naturally turns over a few +pages of _Thirty Years in Washington_. When he purposes to tempt the +bounding bean of the kitchen garden of Chappaqua, or humble the hopeful +harrow of agriculture, he may be found either at the Italian Opera, +serenely sleeping under the soporific strains of _Sonnambula_, or at the +Circus, benignly blinking at the agglomerating Arabs. The inspiration +for that thrilling story in real life, entitled, _What I Know about +Farming_, is said to have been received almost wholly from the state of +somnolency induced by that clever clairvoyant, the Rev. Dr. CHAPIN. A +curious notion exists in the minds of a few ignorant persons, to the +effect that Mr. GREELEY vexes his mellow mind for essays on the +temperance question with frequent and numerous imbibitions of "soda +straight;" but it is high time that this popular error was exploded. All +who have seen Mr. GREELEY in the bar-room of a certain city hotel, +dashing down brandy or pouring down whisky, and have next morning +perused a Tribune editorial on "The Evils of Intemperance," need not be +reminded of the chief source of H.G.'s animated style and vigorous +diction. An extended walk along the beautiful avenues of the city, or a +drive through Central Park, invariably prepares Mr. GREELEY's mind for +the birth of an article on the advantages to young men of leaving the +metropolis and seeking homes in the West. Some months ago, Mr. GREELEY +purchased a small, select library, which contains, among other choice +works, the sweet pastoral productions of SYLVANUS COBB, Jr.; the quaint +and exhilarating narratives of EUGENE SUE; the wholesome and harmless +fictions of NED BUNTLINE, together with the complete poetical works of +MARTIN FARQUHAR TUPPER, and it was from the perusal of these comforting +and pellucid contributions to American literature that Mr. GREELEY +caught the spirit and the style which distinguish his thrilling work on +Political Economy. But something too much of this. We would not embitter +the life of Mr. GREELEY, at present, by any farther revelations, and +therefore we let the subject drop. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +At the opening, Senator SUMNER rose to a personal explanation. In fact, +he always does. He said that General PRIM had disowned having had any +thing to do with him upon the Cuban question. General PRIM was perfectly +correct. (Applause.) He did not know much about the Cuban question; but +he flattered himself that he was familiar with the gurreat purrinciples +of Eternal Justice, and he intended to apply them to the solution of all +our political problems. He said that Lord COKE had justly and eloquently +observed _de minimis non curat lex._ He thought this would apply to our +relations with the Island, where, although the sugar-cane lifts its +lofty top and the woodbine twineth, the accursed spirit of caste still +prevails. He begged to bring to the attention of the Senate and the +country the amended lines of the sacred poet: + + "What though the spicy breezes + Blow soft o'er Cuba's isle; + Though every prospect pleases, + And only man is vile?" + +The Senate would say with CICERO, _de non apparentious et non +existentibus, eadem est ratio_, and they would remember with reference +to the revolutionists of Cuba the great saying of Lord BACON, "Put a +beggar on horseback, and he will go to the Senate from Massachusetts." +Whatever the issue of the Cuban contest might be, he could lay his hand +upon his heart, and say with the Mantuan bard, "_Homo sum_." or, in the +language of our own Shakespeare, that which we call a rose by any other +name would smell as sweet. These were all the sentiments he could find +in his library which bore directly upon this subject. + +Senator SUMNER then introduced a bill to provide for the resumption of +specie payments. The bill sets forth that it shall hereafter be a felony +for any person to make tender of any thing other than gold and silver to +any person of African descent, in any of the States lately in rebellion. +In moving the bill, the senator said that its passage was imperatively +demanded by several negroes whom he knew, and that he would not consent +to deliver these helpless persons into the hands of their late masters +without some such guarantee as this bill furnished. He quoted from +ARISTOTLE, LOCKE, and BURKE to prove that classes liable to oppression +were apt to be oppressed. + +Senator TRUMBULL wished to know what that had to do with the resumption +of specie payments. + +Senator SUMNER considered the inquiry impertinent. The great principles +of justice were always in order. + +Senator GARRET DAVIS took the floor, and made a neat speech of three +days and a half in opposition to the bill. He said he was a Democrat, +and he always had been a Democrat. The founders of the republic would +weep if they could see what the government had come to. What would CLAY +and CALHOUN have said to seeing such men as his honorable friend from +Nevada (Mr. NYE) and himself in the Senate? If he might be permitted to +infringe upon the domain of the senator from Massachusetts, he would +quote Shakspeare, "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between +heaven and earth?" (Loud applause.) At the close of Mr. DAVIS'S speech +his friends came in from WELCKER'S, and congratulated him on having got +through. Exhausted nature made the Senate adjourn. + + +HOUSE. + +After some general sparring, of which a set to between Mr. GARFIELD and +Mr. HAIGHT formed the most conspicuous feature, the cadetship question +came up. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he never had sold any cadetships. +Mr. LOGAN wished to know who said he had. Mr. VOORHEES remarked that Mr. +LOGAN was another. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he had appointed the son +of a constituent, and that subsequently to the appointment he had taken +a drink at the expense and the request of the constituent. He always +took his straight, and the cost to his constituent was only fifteen +cents. Which one of his colleagues would have acted otherwise? (Voices, +"Not one.") + +Mr. BUTLER denounced the course of Mr. VOORHEES. For his part, he saw no +impropriety in selling cadetships or any thing else. What do gentlemen +suppose that cadetships exist for, if it is not for the emolument of +congressmen? He considered his patronage as a part of his perquisites. +This had been the guiding principle of his life, alike in his military +and his political career. He considered the action of Mr. VOORHEES to be +an act of deliberate treachery to this House. If he accepted a pitiful +drink in return for his official influence, he was guilty of a gross +offense in cheapening the price of patronage. A cadetship was worth $500 +if it was worth a cent. If, on the other hand, he gave his cadetship +away, his conduct was even more culpable; for other congressmen might be +weak enough to follow his baleful example, and the market would be +broken down. He advocated the formation of a Congressional Labor Union +to determine the value of these appointments, and to expel all members +who took less than the standard rate. This was what was done in other +branches of business, and if his colleagues wished to be like him, the +little busy B.F.B., and improve each shining hour, this is what they +would do. + +And then the House adjourned. + + * * * * * + +READY-MADE EPITAPHS. + +On a Departed Clown. + +Though lost to sight, to mummery dear. + +On a Faithful Book-keeper. + +Posted up. + + * * * * * + +Wring the Belles. + +American belles ought to make good housewives, because they put up with +little or no waist. + + * * * * * + +To whom it may Concern. + +Persons who take music by the wholesale are informed that they can +procure it of the street organ-grinders, who dispose of it by the +Barrel. + + * * * * * + +Voice in the Air. + +"What is honor? Air."--Sir JOHN FALSTAFF. + +"What is dishonor? EYRE."--Every body. + + * * * * * + +The "Cumming" Man. + +The "sensation" editor of the _Sun_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BLAG YER BOOTS, MISTER!"] + + * * * * * + +A Huge Sell. + +The appointing to cadetships at West-Point. + + * * * * * + +The Most Religious Editor in New-York. + +C.A. DANA--because every week-day is observed as a _"Sun"_ day by him. + + * * * * * + +A Good General Idea. + +A neat practical joke was that perpetrated by one of our contributors, +who, having been requested to bring us "something pat," walked into our +office a day or two after with a couple of Fenian generals in tow. + + * * * * * + +A Happy Thought. + +The Elevated Railway is worked by means of what is known to engineers as +an "endless rope." Might it not be well to work the murderers and +robbers of New-York on the same principle? + + * * * * * + +Abnormal. + +One of the strangest anomalies in color known is to be observed at +Mobile and other places on the Southern coast, where black men are +frequently Bay pilots. + + * * * * * + +KING OAKEY THE FIRST, OF IRELAND. + +BY ALDERMAN ROONEY. + + HOORAH! the dawn begins to break, + Ould Ireland's sons at last awake, + And from their sowls the shackles shake + That long have kept them under. + Arise, then, brave Phoenicians all, + Obey your noble gineral's call; + From off the steps of City Hall + You hear his voice of thunder! + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + To take ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Go rowl the news across the say, + Of how we spint the glorious day, + A hundred thousand on Broadway, + And more upon the Island. + Go tell the lords in Parlamint, + Of how Saint PATRICK'S day was spint, + And see if they don't reduce the rint + On every fut of dry land. + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + To take ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Go tell them how you raised the flag, + The green above their crimson rag, + And should they talk of Yankee brag, + We'll tache them how to rue it. + Go tell them how all day you stud, + Wid both your nate feet in the mud, + As if it had been Saxon blood + And you wor fightin' thro' it! + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + Who've tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man. + And make you King of Ireland! + + Your innimies say you're not sincere, + Nor care a straw for Irish here, + Unless whin 'lection time is near, + And Irish votes are wanted. + But don't you throuble yourself at all, + We'll drive your innimies to the wall; + We know you better, OAKEY HALL, + Than take sich stuff for granted. + + No! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + Who've tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + They say you want to be Mayor once more, + And after that, to be Governore-- + As if you wouldn't be needed before, + To lade the Faynians over. + And they say you raise this hullabaloo, + 'Bout Ireland's wrongs, and Cuba's too, + That Irish fools might cotton to you, + And you might sit in clover. + + But no! for OAKEY, you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Oh! no; we are not so aisy schooled, + By slanders bought wid Saxon goold; + They'll find, who think us so aisy fooled, + How much they underrate us. + Then up, mavrone! and take your stand, + The layder of the Faynian band, + And King you'll soon be of the land + Of shamrogues and potatoes! + + Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland. + + So, good Saint PATRICK, bless the day + Whin Gineral HALL will march away, + Across the deep and briny say, + My country's bonds to sever; + And bless him whin he goes ashore. + And whin he walks in British gore, + And whin he's Ireland's King asthore, + Oh! may he live forever. + + Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + An' you'll be King of all her lan', + King OAKEY First, of Ireland. + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. 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Paper Covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | From the New-York _Evening Express_. | + | | + | "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | + | breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | + | | + | From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | + | | + | "The author can and does write well, the descriptions of | + | scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and | + | never overstrained." | + | | + | D.A. & Co. have just published: | + | | + | A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, | + | ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | + | | + | By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS | + | ORDERS, WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE | + | MOST INTERESTING. | + | | + | By Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. | + | 8vo, $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND | + | CONSEQUENCES. | + | | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | | + | I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | | + | IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | + | | + | Price, 50 cents each. | + | | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _An Absolutely Pure Article._ | + | | + | | + | | + | THE | + | | + | KNICKERBOCKER | + | | + | Gin Company's | + | | + | WORLD-RENOWNED | + | | + | Double Distilled | + | | + | B. & V.'s "ANCHOR" BRAND | + | | + | OF | + | | + | PURE | + | | + | HOLLAND GIN, | + | | + | FROM THEIR OWN DISTILLERY AT | + | | + | LEIDEN, NEAR SCHIEDAM, HOLLAND. | + | | + | | + | This brand of liquor has obtained a great reputation, not | + | only in Holland but throughout Europe, where it has been | + | tested | + | | + | IN THE MOST CELEBRATED | + | | + | Chemical Institutions. | + | | + | | + | _MILLIONS OF GALLONS_ | + | | + | Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to | + | the | + | | + | EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND AFRICA, | + | | + | Where it is used | + | | + | In Preference to any other Brand known. | + | | + | | + | Orders will be received at their office, | + | | + | No. 15 William Street, | + | | + | For the above, and also for their other importations of | + | | + | WINES, | + | | + | BRANDIES, | + | | + | CIGARS, Etc., | + | | + | Which they guarantee as to | + | | + | _PURITY AND GENUINENESS._ | + | | + | | + | KNICKERBOCKER GIN CO., | + | | + | 15 William Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: LUCIFER INTERVIEWS THE MAYOR. + +_Mayor Hall_. "WANT YOUR PLACE PAVED, YOU SAY? CERTAINLY, SIR; HOW WILL +YOU HAVE IT DONE, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS OR WITH BROKEN PROMISES? WE CAN +SUPPLY YOU WITH EITHER AT THE CITY HALL."] + ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| WALTHAM WATCHES. | +| | +| 3-4 PLATE. | +| | +| _16 and 20 Sizes._ | +| | +| To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | +| devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | +| command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | +| beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of | +| mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | +| execution, these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | +| | +| In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | +| Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | +| | +| FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELERS. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| HENRY L. STEPHENS, | +| | +| ARTIST, | +| | +| No. 160 Fulton Street, | +| | +| NEW-YORK. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| Important to Newsdealers! | +| | +| ALL ORDERS FOR | +| | +| PUNCHINELLO | +| | +| Will be supplied by | +| | +| OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS, | +| | +| American News Co. | +| | +| NEW-YORK. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, +April 2, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 1, *** + +***** This file should be named 11177.txt or 11177.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/1/7/11177/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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