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diff --git a/old/11177.txt b/old/11177.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2fba8a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11177.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2435 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, April +2, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, April 2, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 20, 2004 [EBook #11177] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 1, *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General Job Printers, Blank-Book Manufacturers, Stationers, | + | Wholesale and Retail, Lithographic Printers and Engravers, | + | Copper-Plate Engravers and Printers, Card Manufacturers | + | Envelope Manufacturers, Fine Cut and Color Printers | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 Pearl Street, | + | AND | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 Pine Street, | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | ADVANTAGE: All on the same premises and under the | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | AGENTS WANTED | + | | + | To canvas every State, County, and Town in the United | + | States for | + | FIRST-CLASS PUBLICATIONS, | + | Popular in Contents, | + | Artistic in Illustration, | + | Admirable in Style of Manufacture, | + | And Easy to Sell. | + | | + | Special Inducements Offered. | + | | + | Apply to J.B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | MOLLER'S PUREST NORWEGIAN | + | COD-LIVER OIL. | + | | + | "Of late years it has become almost impossible to get any | + | Cod-Liver Oil that patients can digest, owing to the | + | objectionable mode of procuring and preparing the livers.... | + | Moller, of Christiana, Norway, prepares an oil which is | + | perfectly pure, and in every respect all that can be | + | wished."--DR. L.A. SAVRE, before Academy of Medicine. See | + | _Medical Record,_ December, 1869, p. 417. | + | | + | SOLD BY DRUGGISTS. | + | W.H. SCHIEFFELIN & CO., | + | Sole Agents for the United States and Canada. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +VOL. I. No. 1 + + +PUBLISHED BY THE PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + + +AT THEIR OFFICE, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK + +SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 1870 + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE COLLINS | + | | + | Watch Factory. | + | | + | THE CELEBRATED IMITATION | + | | + | GOLD HUNTING WATCHES. | + | | + | "Collins Metal," (Improved Oroide.) | + | | + | These Justly celebrated Watches have, been so thoroughly | + | tested during the last four years, and their reputation for | + | time and as Imitation of Gold Watches is so well established | + |as to require no recommendations. They retain their color; and| + | each on is fully guaranteed by special certificate. | + | | + | PRICES: | + | HORIZONTAL WATCHES................ $10 | + | FULL-JEWELED PATENT LEVERS......... 15 | + | | + |(Equal in appearance and for time to gold ones costing $150.) | + |Those of extra fine finish, $20. (Equaling a $200 gold watch.)| + |Also, an extra heavy, superbly finished, and splendid watch at| + | $25. This equals in appearance a $250 gold one. All our | + | watches are in hunting cases, Gent's and Ladies' sizes. | + | Chains, $2 to $8. | + | | + | Also, Jewelry of every kind, equal to gold, at one tenth the | + | price. | + | | + | "The goods of C.E. Collins & Co. have invariably given | + | satisfaction."--_N.Y. Times._ | + | | + | "One of the $20 watches is worn in our office, and we have | + | no hesitation in recommending them."--_Pomeroy's Democrat._ | + | | + | | + | TO CLUBS. | + | | + | Where Six Watches are ordered at one time, we send a | + | Seventh Watch free. | + | | + | Goods sent by express to all parts of the United States, to | + | be paid for on delivery. | + | | + | C.E. COLLINS & CO., | + | | + | No. 335 Broadway, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 Liberty Street, New-York. | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent | + | to any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money | + | by calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GUFFROY'S | + | | + | COD-LIVER DRAGEES. | + | | + | SUGAR-COATED PILLS OF COD-LIVER EXTRACT. | + | | + |A perfect substitute for Cod-Liver Oil, more efficacious, more| + |economical, and free from all its disagreeable qualities. Used| + | in English, French, and American hospitals, and highly | + | recommended by the Medical Faculty here and in Europe. | + | | + | Send for a pamphlet, which contains many very emphatic | + | testimonials from eminent physicians who have tried them. | + | | + | Ward, Southerland & Co., | + | | + | 130 William Street, New-York. | + | | + | A box of 240 Dragees, equal to six pints Cod-Liver Oil, $2. | + | Sent by mail on receipt of price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMER, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ART PRINCIPLES. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN DRAWING BOOK, | + | | + | BY J.G. CHAPMAN, N.A. | + | | + | A manual for the Amateur, and Basis of study for the | + | Professional Artist. Adapted for schools and Private | + | Instruction. | + | | + | Price, $6. | + | | + | To be had of dealers, or from the Publishers, by mail | + | post-paid on receipt of price. | + | | + | A.S. BARNES & CO., | + | | + | _111 and 113 William. Street, New-York._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | | + | The first number of which will be issued under date of April | + | 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will | + | endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the | + | country; and to that end has secured a | + | | + | VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS | + | | + | in various sections of the Union, while its columnists will | + | always be open to appropriate first-class literary and | + | artistic talent. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable news-dealers | + | who have the judgement to know a good thing when they see | + | it, or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. | + | Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed | + | him in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by | + | leading artist in the respective specialties. | + | | + | The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM | + | A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, | + | both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications can not be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance.........................$4.00 | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of | + | ten cents. | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper price, $2.50, for.................$5.50 | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper price $4, for.....$7.00 | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to: | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | (_For terms to Clubs, see 16th. page._) | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered to members residence for five cents each | + | delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR | + | | + | SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | SYPHER & CO., | + | | + | (SUCCESSORS TO D. MARLEY.) | + | | + | No. 557: Broadway, New-York, | + | | + | MODERN AND ANTIQUE | + | | + | FURNITURE, | + | BRONZES, | + | CHINA, | + | AND | + | | + | ARTICLES OF VERTU. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | American Buttonhole, Overseaming | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 563 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + |improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to all| + | the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + |$60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest to| + | manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the market. | + |Machines warranted, and full instruction given to purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | BELMONT HOTEL. | + | | + | J.P. RICHARDS, Proprietor. | + | | + | DINING ROOMS. | + | | + | | + | Rooms 50c., 75c., and $1 per night. | + | | + | 133, 135, and 137 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | DOUGAN, | + | | + | PRACTICAL HATTER, | + | | + | 102 NASSAU STREET, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +PREFACE + +PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. No. 1. + +(Suggestion: "Take care of No. 1.") + +PUNCHINELLO TO THE PUBLIC, GREETING: + +His name, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will not be found a difficult one to +articulate. He flatters himself that it has a smack of grape-juice and +olives about it. It rhymes with "mellow," which naturally brings us to +"good fellow.". On occasions PUNCHINELLO can "bellow," cut a "tremendous +swell," O, and he never throws away a chance of pocketing the "yellow." +He would like to rhyme with "swallow;" but alas! it can not, can not be. + +And yet, in spite of (or perhaps on account of) PUNCHINELLO'S +mellifluous name, much cavil has been brought to bear upon him. (Prepare +to receive cavilry.) + +Squadrons of well-meaning persons with speaking-trumpets marched to and +fro before the sponsors of PUNCHINELLO, each roaring at them to stop +such a name as _that_, and attend to _his_ suggestion, and his only. + +One did not like PUNCHINELLO because it means a "little Punch," and +he--the speaking-trumpeter--liked a great deal; and lo! while he spoke, +he changed his trumpet for several horns. Then he was taken with a fit +of herpetology in his boots, and sank to advise no more. + +Another--a fellow with an infinite fancy for buffo minstrelsy--was +vociferous that PUNCHINELLO should be called "Tommy Dodd." The +discussion upon this lasted for three months; but finally, "Tommy Dodd" +was rejected on account of the superfluously aristocratic aroma that +exhaled from the name. + +Four divisions of men with banners then came by, each division +respectively composed of members of the waning families of Smith, Brown, +Jones, and Robinson, and each division bawled and thundered that the +name round which it rallied should be adopted instead of PUNCHINELLO, on +pain of death. + +And thousands of others came with suggestions of a like sort; for which +some of them wanted "stamps." And when they had all had their say, +PUNCHINELLO was called PUNCHINELLO, and nothing else--a name by which he +means to stand or fall. + +And now to business. PUNCHINELLO is not going to define his position +here. He refrains from boring his readers with prolix gammon about his +foreign and domestic relations. He will content himself (and readers, he +hopes) by briefly mentioning that he has foreign and domestic relations +in every part of the habitable globe, and that they each and all furnish +him with correspondence of the most reliable and spicy character, +regularly and for publication. Among his foreign relations he is happy +to reckon M. MEISSONNIER, the celebrated French artist, to whom he is +indebted for the original painting from which PUNCHINELLO, as he appears +on his own title-page, is taken. + +A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of great +humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress. +PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these +with a light finger. (No allusion, here, to the "light-fingered gentry," +for whom PUNCHINELLO keeps a large grape vine in pickle.) + +PUNCHINELLO observes the incipient tendency to return to specie +payments. To this revival, however, he is not as yet prepared to give +his adhesion, though, on the whole, he considers it preferable to +relapsing fever, which is also noted on 'Change. Cuba shall have her due +share of attention from him. And if She-Cuba, (Queen of the Antilles, +you know,) why not also He-Cuba?--lovely and preposterous woman, who, +from her eagerness to slip on certain habiliments that are masculine, +but shall here be nameless, shall henceforth be appropriately +distinguished by that name. + +Let other important topics take care of themselves. PUNCHINELLO will +only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers +than _habeas corpus_, and that he means to take the gloss off the grim +joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York." + +It is pleasant for PUNCHINELLO to draw the attention of his readers to +the fact that this, his First Number, is dated April 2d--the day after +All Fools' Day. This is cheering; since thus it is manifest that +PUNCHINELLO leaves all the fools and jesters behind, and is, therefore, +first in the race for the crown of comic laurel and the quiver of +satiric shafts. + +And now, by DAN PHOEBUS!--that's the DAN (ah!) that drives the _Sun_, you +know, and is the biggest spot upon it--here we find that we have talked +ourself all the way to DELMONICO'S, and there's CHARLEY on the lookout. + +_Punchinello:_ "Good evening, Mr. DELMONICO; have you any room for us?" + +_Delmonico:_ "You are very welcome, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and your rooms are +quite ready; for we have been expecting you ever so long. Of course, +your staff of artists can be accommodated in our Drawing-room, if you +will permit me to throw off so insignificant a joke." + +_Punchinello:_ "Tut, CHARLES!--'tis a joke of the first water, (first +brandy-and-water, CHARLES.) Cap your joke with another as good, and then +consider yourself on our staff. Lead us to our apartments, CHARLES." + +And so, looking from his pleasant Fifth Avenue windows, PUNCHINELLO +waves a salutation to his audience with a "May you be happy, each and +all of you, and live all your days in clover," (admission ten cents.) + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S NEW CHARTER. + +THE GREAT PLATFORM OF THE RINGS. + + The Lions and the Lambs lie down together, + While the "Sun" stands still. + + +The People of the State of New-York, represented by PUNCHINELLO and his +troop of admirers, hereby enact: + +Sec. 1. All the offices now provided by law with within the City and County +of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag; + +Sec. 2. It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of the Central Park to +devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of +poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the +grab-bag. + +Sec. 3. HORACE GREELEY, PETER COOPER, the Rev. Dr. THOMPSON, DANIEL DREW, +and REDDY THE BLACKSMITH, are hereby constituted Inspectors and +Canvassers for the grabbers. + +Sec. 4. It shall be the duty of the said inspectors to prepare a +registry-list of all the persons intending to grab, who are required to +serve a notice of intention through the post-office upon REDDY THE +BLACKSMITH, the Chairman. DANIEL DREW is to provide funds wherewith to +pay the postage. + +Sec. 5. The registry-list shall be alphabetically prepared, and the number +of chances shall be determined by dividing the number of grabbers by the +number of offices. + +Sec. 6. The grabbers shall be selected by lot. + +Sec. 7. The lots shall be drawn by REDDY THE BLACKSMITH from his own hat, +his eyes wide open, while every other inspector, and the voters, shall +be blindfolded with newspapers from the files of the _Christian Union_; +whereupon, as the names of the fortunate grabbers are called, each one +shall proceed to the grab-bag and grab his office. + +Sec. 8. There shall be no repeaters of the process. + +Sec. 9. The persons thus grabbing offices shall be then and there, by the +Inspectors, declared duly elected to the offices grabbed, for life. + +Sec. 10. Any vacancy occurring by assassination shall be immediately filled +by the Inspectors appointing the assassin. + +Sec. 11. Every person owning real estate on the Island shall contribute one +ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following +Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the +Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable +contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided +among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted +to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement. + +Sec. 12. Owners of real estate in the city of New York are hereby allowed +to make their own arrangements with the gas companies for the supply of +light; but nothing herein shall be construed to devote any part of the +proceeds to light the public streets at night and real estate owners +shall be allowed to make their own arrangements for the supply of water +with the grab income-bents of the Croton Grab Board. + +Sec. 13. The sewers of the city shall be converted to burial places for +persons assassinated at political meetings. + +Sec. 14. Nothing herein contained shall be so construed as to permit any +judge to grant an injunction against any grabbers of the offices. + +Sec. 15. The "dead-beats," heretofore known as policemen and soldiers of +the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall be +a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a +six-shooter. + +Sec. 16. All provisions of the United States or State constitutions +inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed. + + * * * * * + +From Gertrude of Wyoming. + +Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does not +follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the +women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally +supply the family linen. + + * * * * * + +SURE TO BE LOST AT C.--Signor LEFRANC's voice, if he continues to +recklessly strain it with his chest C. + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE FAMILY. + +As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be extended into +all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. Every +other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes, +cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts; and PUNCHINELLO, +intending to offer the most advantages, expects to become so necessary +to the economical housewife and the prudent bread-winner that no family +will be able to do without him. So, with no further prologue, we will +present our readers with some valuable hints in regard to the use that +can be made of things that often lie about the house gathering +dust--idle clutter and of no service to any body. The first hint, we +know, if followed up, will be found of the greatest advantage to all, +yielding great measure of convenience at little cost. Take a wide +board--as wide as you can get it--and as long as it will cut without +cracks or knotholes, and saw the ends off square. Then bore four large +holes in the corners, and insert the ends of four sticks, each about +three feet long. Place it upon the floor, so that the board will be +supported by the sticks, thus: + +[Illustration] + +This contrivance will be found very useful for various purposes. It will +do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any +other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household +objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to +serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. If on such +occasions it be covered with a white linen or cotton cloth, its +appearance will be much improved, and in time it can not fail to become +a favorite article of furniture. + +The next hint will please the ladies. Take two pieces of cotton or +woolen cloth, of any size from two inches to a foot square, and sew them +together at the edges, leaving, however, a small place unsewed at one +corner. You will now find that you have something like a square bag. +This is to be tightly filled with wool, bran, mowings, clippings of +human hair, or something of the kind, and the open corner is then to be +sewed up. When finished, the affair will assume this appearance and will +be found very useful for the preservation of pins. The manner of using +it is as follows: you take the pin in the hand and firmly press it into +the bag, when it will be found that the body of the pin will easily +enter, but that the head will prevent its entire disappearance. The +stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight +degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious +little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always +hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more +economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the +pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. The top and +corners can be ornamented _a discretion_. + +[Illustration] + +Hint the third is especially addressed to country families. Take one of +the ordinary toilet-tables that are to be found in so many rural +habitations, and, on removing the white cover, you will probably find +that the table is formed of an empty flour-barrel with a board nailed on +top of it. Remove this board; get a head from another barrel of the same +size; place it properly upon the top; put some good hoops around the +ends, nail it all up tightly, and you will find that you will have a +very good barrel. + + * * * * * + +Founded upon Fact. + +Why is BRENTANO like a hardware man? + +Because he keeps _Tomahawks_ for sale. + + * * * * * + +Definition by an Envious Wood-Engraver. + +ZINCALI--Artists who draw on zinc plates. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN AGGRAVATED CASE. + +_Man with Muffler_. "IT ISN'T THE FACT OF THE SORE THROAT I MIND SO MUCH +AS THE SUSPICION THAT I CAUGHT IT FROM THAT BEASTLY SNOB, BURLAPS, WHO +OCCUPIES THE ROOMS OPPOSITE."] + + * * * * * + +Truly Noble. + +We have been requested to publish the following letter: + +NEW-YORK, March 1, 1870. + +TO THE PATRIOTS HAVING CHARGE OF THE MONUMENT TO VICTOR NOIR: + +GENTLEMEN: I honor the brave! I am of America, American! I import from +bleeding France her brandy, her champagne, her claret, her olives, and +her sardines. I dispose of them at 1108 Lispenard street, New-York, +where my peculiar facilities enable me to offer unusual inducements to +the trade! I am with you and against tyrants! _Vive la freedom!_ I +inclose seven francs as a contribution to the monument! D.E.D. BEHTE. + + * * * * * + +Perennius AEre. + +In view of the recent long and luminous discourse by a distinguished +United States Senator upon the subject of the funding bill, it is +respectfully suggested that a part of the amount to be saved to the +nation by this financial scheme shall be devoted to the erection of a +"palace lifting to eternal SUMNER!" + + * * * * * + +A Question for Ben Butler's Nurse. + +Was the honorable member from Massachusetts _really_ born with a silver +spoon in his _mouth_? + + * * * * * + +The Witch and the Switch. + +Fashionable women are like the conventional school-mistress--they +believe in the switch. + + * * * * * + +Naughty. + +When did the people send a cipher to the State Senate? When they sent +NORT-on there. + + * * * * * + +THE MARINER'S WRONGS. + +Within the memories of men who are not yet old, the sailor was always +looked upon and talked about as "a jolly dog." There was a glamour of +romance about him when he was at sea, and "JACK ashore" was for ages +held up as the presentment of all that was happy, and contented, and +free from care. His hardest duty was supposed to be shinning up the +ratlin to "reef," or "brail up," or "splice the mainbrace," or do some +other of those mysterious things that caused him to look so mythical to +the minds of land-lubbers and the simple-hearted kind of women that used +to be, but now no longer are. His lighter hours (about eighteen out of +the twenty-four) were passed in terpsichorean performances on the +"fo'k'sl," and were so fascinating to the shorey mind that music was +specially composed for them, and the "Sailor's Hornpipe" is one of the +scourges inflicted upon mortals, for their sins, by barrel-organists at +the present day. Grog was dealt out to him by the gallon, and, as for +"backy," the light-hearted fellow was never allowed to suffer for want +of _that_; so that his happiness may be said to have been complete. + +Things are sadly changed, now, with regard to poor JACK. Every day we +read of outrageous assaults upon him with marline-spikes and other +perverted marine stores, by brutal skippers and flagitious mates, whose +proper end would be the yard-arm and the rope's end. All belaying-pin +and no pay has made JACK a dull boy. His windpipe refuses to furnish the +whilom exhilarating tooraloo for his hornpipe. Silent are the "yarns" +with which he used to while away the time when off his watch and +huddling under the lee of the capstan with his messmates. And then, when +he comes ashore, it is only to be devoured by the sharks that lie in +wait for him and drag him away bodily to their obscene "boarding-house" +dens. + +Once on a time JACK, when in dock, used to make holiday of it on Sunday. +He looked as gay as a tobacconist's sign when rigged out in his best +blue for a lark ashore, where he was occasionally to be seen on +horseback with a row of his jovial messmates, all of them sitting with +their backs to the horse's head, and the sternmost of them steering the +bewildered animal by his tail. Now there seems to be a movement to cut +off from JACK even the holiday to which he is surely entitled. The +captain of a bark, lying at San Francisco, has lately stopped wages, to +the amount of sixty-five dollars, from a seaman, because the latter +refused to assist in discharging cargo on Sunday. Blue has, in one +sense, always been JACK's favorite color; but if this sort of thing goes +on much further, he must become bluer than ever, and his cheerless +condition will be such that he will not have a cheer left to shake the +welkin with when he helps to man the yards. + + * * * * * + +Postal. + +Frankly speaking, can Senator REVEL's letters be called _Blackmail_? + + * * * * * + +Propagandism. + +Ancient Rome was saved by a proper goose; modern Rome by a proper +gander. + + * * * * * + +The Sheriff's party tell us that they are always "watch"ful in the +interest of the tax-payers. So they should be, for don't they own the +most "repeaters"? + + * * * * * + +The Plays and Shows. + +HAMLET--WITH A YELLOW WIG. + +The poet--his name is of no consequence--has defined the evening as + +"The close of the day when the HAMLET is still." + +Evidently he was a bucolic, and not a metropolitan poet. Otherwise he +would have remembered that the close of the day, or, to speak with +mathematical accuracy, the hour of eight P.M., is precisely the time +when the HAMLET of a well-regulated theatrical community begins to make +himself vocally prominent. A few nights since, we had no less than three +HAMLETS propounding at the same time the unnecessary question, whether +to be or not to be is the correct thing. The serious HAMLET of the eagle +eye, and the burlesque HAMLET of the vulpine nose, are with us yet; but +the rival of the latter, the HAMLET of the taurine neck, has gone to +Boston, where his wiggish peculiarity will he better appreciated than it +was in this Democratic city. + +The late Mr. WEGG prided himself upon being a literary man--with a +wooden leg. Mr. FECHTER aspires to be a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Mr. +WEGG had this advantage over Mr. FECHTER, that his literary ability did +not wholly depend upon his ligneous leg. Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET, on the +contrary, owes its existence solely to his wig. The key to his +popularity must he sought in his yellow locks. + +There are, it is true, meritorious points in Mr. FECHTER'S Dane. One is +his skill in fencing; another, the fact that he finally suffers himself +to be killed. Unfortunately, this latter redeeming incident takes place +only in the last scene of the play, and the Fat Prince has therefore +abundant previous opportunity to mar the superb acting of Miss LECLERCQ. +Why this admirable artist did not insist that her OPHELIA should receive +a better support than was furnished by Messrs. BANGS, LEVICK, and +FECHTER, at Niblo's Garden, is an insoluble mystery. She must have +perceived the absurdity of drowning herself for a Prince--fair, fat, and +faulty--who refused to give her a share of his "loaf," and denied, with +an evident eye to a possible breach of promise suit, that he had given +her any "bresents." + +That Mr. FECHTER speaks English imperfectly is, however, the least of +his defects. If he could not speak at all, his audience would have +reason for self-congratulation. We might, too, forget that he is an +obese, round-shouldered, short-necked, and eminently beery HAMLET, with +a tendency to speak through his nose. But how can we overlook his +incapacity to express the subtle changes of HAMLET'S ever questioning +mind? One of his admirers has recently quoted RUSKIN in his support. MR. +FECHTER gives no heed to RUSKIN'S axiom, that all true art is delicate +art. There is no delicacy in his conception of HAMLET. True, he is +impulsive and sensitive; but this is due to his physical and not to his +mental organization. A HAMLET without delicacy is quite as intolerable a +spectacle as a _Grande Duchesse_ without decency. + +What, then, has given him his reputation? The answer is evident;--His +yellow wig. NAPOLEON gilded the dome of the _Invalides_, and the +Parisians forgot to murmur at the arbitrary acts of his reign. Mr. +FECHTER crowns himself with a golden wig, and the public forgets to +murmur at the five acts of his HAMLET. + +In all other respects Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET is inferior to that of his +rival Mr. FOX. It is not nearly as funny, and it is much less +impressive. Both actors are wrong, however, in not omitting the +graveyard scene. To make a burlesque of Death is to unlawfully invade +the province of Messrs. BEECHER and FROTHINGHAM. + +The popularity of Mr. FECHTER is only a new proof of the potency of +yellow hair. It is the yellow hair of the British blonde, joined to that +kindliness of disposition with which--like a personification of +Charity--she "bareth all things," that makes her a thing of beauty in +the eyes of R.G.W., and a joy for as many seasons as her hair will keep +its color. It is because Mr. FECHTER decided that the hair presumptive +of the Royal Dane must have been yellow, that his name has grown famous +in England. + +The veracious chronicler relates that, on one occasion, Mr. VENUS +deprived his literary friend with a wooden leg of that useful appendage. +But that act of constructive mayhem did not destroy Mr. WEGG'S literary +reputation. Can MR. FECHTER'S HAMLET endure an analogous test? If he has +confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a +change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of +hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET +with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than simply +a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Until then we shall be constrained to class +him with the other blonde burlesquers. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +WHAT THE PRESS IS EXPECTED TO SAY OF US. + + +There is no trash in this paper.--_Literary Standard_. + +PUNCHINELLO is a perfect beauty, and good as beautiful.--_Moralist_. + +--a most suitable companion for our walks and meditations.--_Casuist_. + +PUNCHINELLO pays beautifully.--_Cash Account_. + +--just the thing for our mothers-in-law.--_Domestic-Hearth_. + +--its wisdom and learning are equally remarkable.--_College Club_. + +PUNCHINELLO deserves to be styled A Brick.--_Midnight Male_. + +--the most irreproachable thing going; and every man who does not buy a +copy for himself, every week, and another for his wife, with one for +each of his children, is a brute.--_Plain Speaker_. + +--bully.--_Western Grazier_. + +--knows beans.--_Horticulturist_. + +--up to snuff.--_Market Reporter_. + +--cock of the walk.--_Prairie Chicken_. + +--perfectly lovely.--_Ladies' Voice_. + +--read it, try to parse it, and then set it to music and sing +it.--_Yankee Teacher_. + +--the thing we dreamed of, longed for, sighed for, and paid +for.--_Public at Large_. + + * * * * * + +A Walking Fish. + +The Walk in life of Mr. Secretary of State FISH, considering him as a +private individual, has hitherto been irreproachable. Nevertheless, his +walk might be much improved by President GRANT, if the latter would only +teach him to Walk Spanish. + + * * * * * + +"Hole-in-the-Day." + +It is stated, though on what authority we are unable to say, that the +Philadelphia _Day_ is printed on straw paper made from the surplus +straw-hats that formed an item of a notorious government contract +negotiated during the war. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MESMERISM IN WALL STREET. + +_First Lady Broker, (entrancing subject.)_ "THERE, I'VE GOT HIM TO THE +POINT NOW. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, QUICK." + +_Commodore V-nd-rb-lt, (murmurs.)_ "SELL ME ONE THOUSAND SHARES +CENTRAL." + +_Second Lady Broker._ "BOOKED!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF CAPTAIN EYRE, + +OF THE PACIFIC AND ORIENTAL STEAMSHIP "BOMBAY." + + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed, + When I sailed; + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed; + My name was ARTHUR EYRE, a true British snob, I swear, + Who for Yankees didn't care, as I sailed. + + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed, + Ere I sailed; + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed; + I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, that JOHN BULL his fingers snaps + At the "cussed Yankee chaps," ere I sailed. + + So I steered across the seas, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + I steered across the seas, as I sailed; + I steered across the seas, and swilled my hale at hease; + I was master, "if you please," as I sailed. + + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed; + VICTORIA'S flag I flew, and wore her colors too, + Like a British sailor true, as I sailed. + + Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed; + Off the shore of far Japan, I a Yankee ship did scan, + That with helm a-starboard ran, as I sailed. + + A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed; + A curse rose to my lip as on the Yankee ship + Through the darkness I did slip, as I sailed. + + And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed; + Ay, I ran the Yankee down, and I left the dogs to drown, + While to Yokohama town on I sailed. + + They say they showed a light, as I sailed, + As I sailed; + They say they showed a light, as I sailed; + They say they showed a light, to tell their hopeless plight, + But "I served them bloody right," as I sailed! + + For my name is Captain EYRE, as I sail, + As I sail; + My name is Captain EYRE, as I sail; + For my name is Captain EYRE, and it's d-----d absurd, I swear, + That for Yankees I should care, as I sail! + + * * * * * + +"Arcades Ambo." + +As there seem to be some disorganizing elements just now at work in the +ancient and honorable order of the Knights of Pythias, might it not be +well for them to compromise by a fraternal secession of the discontented +spirits, who could form a kindred order under the title of the Deys of +Damon? + + * * * * * + +USEFUL MATERIAL FOR FANCY CLOG-DANCERS--Sandal-wood. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: + +March 4, 1869. +A GIANT AMONG THE PIGMIES. + +March 4, 1870. +A PIGMY AMONG THE GIANTS.] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET. + +That it is not PUNCHINELLO'S intention to overlook Wall street, may be +absolutely taken at par. To look over Wall street is quite another +matter, and P. knows how to do it to a T. Many a time at midnight, from +his perch on the tip of the spire of Old Trinity, (a tip-top point from +which to look over Wall street--you see the point?) has PUNCHINELLO +beheld the ghosts of dead speculations floating hopelessly through the +murky air. It could not be said of them that there was "no speculation +in those eyes." The ghost of a dead speculation was never so utterly +damned, the eyes of a ghost of a dead speculation were never so +absolutely dimmed, but that speculation of some kind might be discerned +fluttering like a mummy-cloth from the shadowy outline of the former, +and gleaming feebly from the gloomy goggles of the latter. Gleam on, +poor ghosts! Goggle while you may, and gibber. PUNCHINELLO watches you +with interest, (25 per cent.,) as you are weighed down to the very dirt +of The Street by the night-fog of Despair, flapping your wings on a very +small "margin," as if attempting vainly to "operate for a rise." Go +down, poor ghosts; repair to your incandescent place below, for there is +no hope for you. As we sit here upon our spire, we can not say to you, +_Dum spiramus speramus_. Alas! no. We would like to do so, of course; +but our sense of truth revolts against the enunciation of such a +taradiddle. + +Soon after daylight has been fully turned on, it is the wont of +PUNCHINELLO to descend from his perch on the church, (rhyme,) and roam +waywardly and invisibly among the denizens who occupy the dens of The +Street. He knows all the ins and outs of the place, and has long been +disgustingly familiar with its ups and downs. Gently has he dabbled in +stocks, and no modern operator is half so conversant an he is with the +juggles of the Stock Exchange. PUNCHINELLO, though as fresh and frisky, +in mind and body, as a kid on a June morning, is older than he chooses +to let every body know. Bless you all, readers dear! he was by when the +Tulip Mania was hatched, (mixed figure,) and it was he who punctured the +great South Sea Bubble, and sent it on a burst. Ha! ha! he-e-e!--how he +laughs when he recurs to those days of the long, long ago, with their +miserable little swindles, no better than farthing candles, (allowable +rhyme,) and their puny dodges devised for flagellating LUCIFER round a +stump. + +Just think of a lot of fellows pretending to play at Tulipmaniacs +bolting Bubble-and-squeak, and not a jockey among them all had ever +heard of "puts" and "calls." Deuce a one of them know a "corner" from a +cockatrice's egg, and if you had mentioned a "scoop" to the most +intelligent of them, he'd have sworn that you had been and gone and +swallowed a Scandinavian dictionary. (N.B. In this application the nave +in Scandinavian might properly be spelt with a k.) Ah! yes, yes: +What-d'ye-call him was wide-awake when he remarked to Thingumbob that +"the world _does move_." + +How strong the contrast to PUNCHINELLO as he glides, invisible, to and +fro among the bulls and bears on 'Change, observing the "modern +instances" of their improved manner of doing business, and taking all +their devices into the corner of his brightest eye! (The only safe +"corner" _he_ knows of on The Street.) How he chuckles as he observes +the ways of 'em--sees a bear selling that which he hasn't, and a bull +buying that which he doesn't want--all "on a margin" and to "settle +regular," of course. Bless you! children of the modern Mammon. Go in and +win, or lose if you find it more exciting. Learn to control finances, if +you would fain grow to be good men and contribute hereafter good men to +the taxable population. Proceed with your virtuous transactions on +'Change. Never mind each other's toes; they who have corns must not care +for being cornered. (Meant playfully.) Inflate the market with your +heavy purchases. Blow the market, and "corner the shorts." Be a "bear," +if you will; and when you play at "bull," remember the frog in the +fable, who would be an ox, and went on inflating until he burst. + +You bloated stockmonger there, with your hands in your pockets and your +eye on the mean chance, what care you how much capital is represented by +certificates issued? "That's played out," you say? You know it is, you +slimy salamander, and so does PUNCHINELLO. You know that by the use of +convertible bonds capital can be increased or diminished _ad infinitum_. +Loan your millions to Erie, to save it from destruction or the Sheriff, +(synonymous terms,) and you will derive sweet consolation from the +consciousness of your power to add or diminish at will. + +Look at the "Great Waterer." When he chose to "snake away" Erie from its +friends, and make it tributary to New-York Central, the printing-press +was at work--a fact which he did not discover until he had paid out ten +millions. Then the foreigners purchased ream after ream of certificates +to control Erie, and to-day their stock is declared not worth a row of +pins, owing to the piles of money swallowed by the afflictive suits on +the stamped certificates. + +Observe SNIGGER and SNAGGER, too; mark the goings and comings of these +partners in business and iniquity. How regularly they have kept swearing +that their business never paid, and yet their dividends always increased +when they wished to distribute their stock. + +And here is one who--more audacious, far, than King CANUTE of old--would +control even the ocean. This man starts a Pacific Mail with a capital of +ten millions, increases the amount to twenty millions, and swears it is +worth thirty. Then he "puts his foot in it" and shows the knave in his +deal, (dealings--jocular,) by selling the stock at thirty-five. + +This from PUNCHINELLO, as he looks over The Street--and through it--from +his lofty pinnacle. Don't strain your precious eyes and necks in +fruitless endeavors to discover him there, since he can make himself +invisible at will. But listen, ye men of The Street, with all your ears, +(Erie,) and you will hear a solemn chant like unto that of the _muezzin_ +from the minaret. 'Tis the voice of PUNCHINELLO wafting sonorously from +his tower the instructive moral-- + + "Whoe'er sells stocks as isn't his'n, + Must pay up or go to pris'n." + + * * * * * + +A New Conglomerate Pavement. + +It was well said by a saucy Frenchman, "that England had fifty religions +but only one sauce." Paraphrasing this loosely, we may say of New-York, +that she has a dozen different pavements and deuce a good one. There was +the "Russ," on which the horses used to be "let slide," but couldn't +trot; the "Belgian," of dubious repute; the "Nicholson," which, from its +material, must have been invented by "Nick of the Woods;" the +"Mouse-trap," set to catch other things than mice; the "Fiske," a +pavement pitched in altogether too high a key to be pleasant; The +"Stafford," the "Stow," and several others which it would be painful to +enumerate here. Why doesn't the daily press look lively, and devise a +better pavement than any of these? There's STONE, of the _Journal of +Commerce_; WOOD, of the _News_; MARBLE, of the _World_; and BRICK, of +the _Democrat_. Let them put their heads together and give us a good +conglomerate. + + * * * * * + +A Hopeful Anticipation. + +Now that the darkeys are about to take part in national legislation, we +shall probably be able to negrotiate a postal treaty with France. + + * * * * * + +On one Drowned. + +He left a large circle, etc.! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SYMPATHY WITH CUBA. + +_Enthusiastic Sympathizer._ "What I say is, we _must_ have our cigars; +and _therefore_, Cuba _must_ be ours."] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO'S LYRICS. + +No. 1. + + Ho! I am the jolly repeater, + And I train with the magical band, + Who the legerdemain of the ballot + With the skill of a wizard command. + + Once a year every poll I explore, + Honest voting is Greenland to me; + Free suffrage is ever my motto, + To my amnesty judges agree. + + The trickster inspector I loathe, sir! + Or the canvasser's pencils that thieve; + Voting early and often is nobler + Than ballots to change from one's sleeve. + + No eight hours' labor I ask for, + Votes from sunrise to sunset I cast; + They are bread on political waters, + And my sinecures follow them fast. + + WILLIAM B. and his millionaire crew + Will only vote once, sir; while I + (Who to scorn laugh the honest assessors) + Plump a score to their one--on the sly! + + Who asks for my name? I repeat it-- + Ho! the jolly repeater am I; + Each book of the registry knows me, + And I'm now in the market--Who'll buy? + +(The above may be sung _da capo_, which is Italian for "repeat.") + + * * * * * + +Music and Morals in Chicago. + +The _Marriage of Figaro_ did not interest the Chicago people when it was +produced in that peculiar city. Had it been called the "Divorce of +Figaro," it would have aroused their warmest admiration. + + * * * * * + +MR. GREELEY'S AIDS TO LITERARY EFFORT. + +On the general principle that "no one is a hero to his valet," not even +a valetudinarian, it may be safely asserted that the divinity that doth +hedge most great writers is lost the moment their admirers become +acquainted with their habits of thought and methods of composition. The +popular delusion that H.G. "knows every thing" is calculated to work +indefinite injury to some modest men who are supposed to "know +something." GREELEY'S mind, like a _camera obscura_, may be said to +retain its impressions while in the dark, and to lose them when exposed +to the light. He has never, to any extent, heeded the scriptural +injunction against walking in darkness, which explains why so many +_Tribune_ readers are in the dark concerning the truth and justice of +popular questions. Consequently, as in the case of other great men, when +GREELEY'S mind becomes pregnant with a theme, moved to pity by the +neglected education and limited mental resources of many of his readers, +he repairs to one of his numerous literary lairs, and ransacks the pages +of the Past for plunder befitting his pen and party. When he is about to +write an editorial article on Protection, he invariably prepares his +mind by reading several chapters on the "Manly Art of Self-Defense," +which accounts for the wisdom and brilliancy displayed by him on the +subject of tariffs. In order to approach a discussion of the subject of +vegetarianism without prejudice, H.G. repairs to the wheezy WINDUST'S, +where, for hours at a time, he literally "crams" with his favorite dish +of pork and beans. The Amelioration of the condition of the Working +Classes is another favorite theme with GREELEY, and, in order to discuss +clearly and cogently the many phases and ramifications of this lively +and exciting topic, he devotes several hours to the study of "Idleness +as a Fine Art." Before writing a particularly funny or spirited article +upon Politics, the Fine Arts, or the Drama, H.G., it is said, may be +seen for several hours at the Astor Library, poring over BURTON'S +_Anatomy of Melancholy_. While in the throes of literary labor upon _The +Great Conflict_, he had numerous dogmatic discussions with Mr. KIT +BURNS, participated in several flights of the "fancy" to the +bird-battling haunts of New Jersey, and even pursued the ministers of +muscle to the scene of their bucolic pastimes in the P.R. It is, +perhaps, unnecessary to remark that Mr. GREELEY'S _Recollections of a +Busy Life_ were inspired almost directly by frequent collusion with the +pages of DE QUINCEY and COLERIDGE, whose wild lives and turbulent +experiences possess a peculiar charm for the Triton of the _Tribune_. +When Mr. GREELEY wishes to write against capital punishment--which he +does about every time the moon changes--he naturally turns over a few +pages of _Thirty Years in Washington_. When he purposes to tempt the +bounding bean of the kitchen garden of Chappaqua, or humble the hopeful +harrow of agriculture, he may be found either at the Italian Opera, +serenely sleeping under the soporific strains of _Sonnambula_, or at the +Circus, benignly blinking at the agglomerating Arabs. The inspiration +for that thrilling story in real life, entitled, _What I Know about +Farming_, is said to have been received almost wholly from the state of +somnolency induced by that clever clairvoyant, the Rev. Dr. CHAPIN. A +curious notion exists in the minds of a few ignorant persons, to the +effect that Mr. GREELEY vexes his mellow mind for essays on the +temperance question with frequent and numerous imbibitions of "soda +straight;" but it is high time that this popular error was exploded. All +who have seen Mr. GREELEY in the bar-room of a certain city hotel, +dashing down brandy or pouring down whisky, and have next morning +perused a Tribune editorial on "The Evils of Intemperance," need not be +reminded of the chief source of H.G.'s animated style and vigorous +diction. An extended walk along the beautiful avenues of the city, or a +drive through Central Park, invariably prepares Mr. GREELEY's mind for +the birth of an article on the advantages to young men of leaving the +metropolis and seeking homes in the West. Some months ago, Mr. GREELEY +purchased a small, select library, which contains, among other choice +works, the sweet pastoral productions of SYLVANUS COBB, Jr.; the quaint +and exhilarating narratives of EUGENE SUE; the wholesome and harmless +fictions of NED BUNTLINE, together with the complete poetical works of +MARTIN FARQUHAR TUPPER, and it was from the perusal of these comforting +and pellucid contributions to American literature that Mr. GREELEY +caught the spirit and the style which distinguish his thrilling work on +Political Economy. But something too much of this. We would not embitter +the life of Mr. GREELEY, at present, by any farther revelations, and +therefore we let the subject drop. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +At the opening, Senator SUMNER rose to a personal explanation. In fact, +he always does. He said that General PRIM had disowned having had any +thing to do with him upon the Cuban question. General PRIM was perfectly +correct. (Applause.) He did not know much about the Cuban question; but +he flattered himself that he was familiar with the gurreat purrinciples +of Eternal Justice, and he intended to apply them to the solution of all +our political problems. He said that Lord COKE had justly and eloquently +observed _de minimis non curat lex._ He thought this would apply to our +relations with the Island, where, although the sugar-cane lifts its +lofty top and the woodbine twineth, the accursed spirit of caste still +prevails. He begged to bring to the attention of the Senate and the +country the amended lines of the sacred poet: + + "What though the spicy breezes + Blow soft o'er Cuba's isle; + Though every prospect pleases, + And only man is vile?" + +The Senate would say with CICERO, _de non apparentious et non +existentibus, eadem est ratio_, and they would remember with reference +to the revolutionists of Cuba the great saying of Lord BACON, "Put a +beggar on horseback, and he will go to the Senate from Massachusetts." +Whatever the issue of the Cuban contest might be, he could lay his hand +upon his heart, and say with the Mantuan bard, "_Homo sum_." or, in the +language of our own Shakespeare, that which we call a rose by any other +name would smell as sweet. These were all the sentiments he could find +in his library which bore directly upon this subject. + +Senator SUMNER then introduced a bill to provide for the resumption of +specie payments. The bill sets forth that it shall hereafter be a felony +for any person to make tender of any thing other than gold and silver to +any person of African descent, in any of the States lately in rebellion. +In moving the bill, the senator said that its passage was imperatively +demanded by several negroes whom he knew, and that he would not consent +to deliver these helpless persons into the hands of their late masters +without some such guarantee as this bill furnished. He quoted from +ARISTOTLE, LOCKE, and BURKE to prove that classes liable to oppression +were apt to be oppressed. + +Senator TRUMBULL wished to know what that had to do with the resumption +of specie payments. + +Senator SUMNER considered the inquiry impertinent. The great principles +of justice were always in order. + +Senator GARRET DAVIS took the floor, and made a neat speech of three +days and a half in opposition to the bill. He said he was a Democrat, +and he always had been a Democrat. The founders of the republic would +weep if they could see what the government had come to. What would CLAY +and CALHOUN have said to seeing such men as his honorable friend from +Nevada (Mr. NYE) and himself in the Senate? If he might be permitted to +infringe upon the domain of the senator from Massachusetts, he would +quote Shakspeare, "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between +heaven and earth?" (Loud applause.) At the close of Mr. DAVIS'S speech +his friends came in from WELCKER'S, and congratulated him on having got +through. Exhausted nature made the Senate adjourn. + + +HOUSE. + +After some general sparring, of which a set to between Mr. GARFIELD and +Mr. HAIGHT formed the most conspicuous feature, the cadetship question +came up. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he never had sold any cadetships. +Mr. LOGAN wished to know who said he had. Mr. VOORHEES remarked that Mr. +LOGAN was another. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he had appointed the son +of a constituent, and that subsequently to the appointment he had taken +a drink at the expense and the request of the constituent. He always +took his straight, and the cost to his constituent was only fifteen +cents. Which one of his colleagues would have acted otherwise? (Voices, +"Not one.") + +Mr. BUTLER denounced the course of Mr. VOORHEES. For his part, he saw no +impropriety in selling cadetships or any thing else. What do gentlemen +suppose that cadetships exist for, if it is not for the emolument of +congressmen? He considered his patronage as a part of his perquisites. +This had been the guiding principle of his life, alike in his military +and his political career. He considered the action of Mr. VOORHEES to be +an act of deliberate treachery to this House. If he accepted a pitiful +drink in return for his official influence, he was guilty of a gross +offense in cheapening the price of patronage. A cadetship was worth $500 +if it was worth a cent. If, on the other hand, he gave his cadetship +away, his conduct was even more culpable; for other congressmen might be +weak enough to follow his baleful example, and the market would be +broken down. He advocated the formation of a Congressional Labor Union +to determine the value of these appointments, and to expel all members +who took less than the standard rate. This was what was done in other +branches of business, and if his colleagues wished to be like him, the +little busy B.F.B., and improve each shining hour, this is what they +would do. + +And then the House adjourned. + + * * * * * + +READY-MADE EPITAPHS. + +On a Departed Clown. + +Though lost to sight, to mummery dear. + +On a Faithful Book-keeper. + +Posted up. + + * * * * * + +Wring the Belles. + +American belles ought to make good housewives, because they put up with +little or no waist. + + * * * * * + +To whom it may Concern. + +Persons who take music by the wholesale are informed that they can +procure it of the street organ-grinders, who dispose of it by the +Barrel. + + * * * * * + +Voice in the Air. + +"What is honor? Air."--Sir JOHN FALSTAFF. + +"What is dishonor? EYRE."--Every body. + + * * * * * + +The "Cumming" Man. + +The "sensation" editor of the _Sun_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BLAG YER BOOTS, MISTER!"] + + * * * * * + +A Huge Sell. + +The appointing to cadetships at West-Point. + + * * * * * + +The Most Religious Editor in New-York. + +C.A. DANA--because every week-day is observed as a _"Sun"_ day by him. + + * * * * * + +A Good General Idea. + +A neat practical joke was that perpetrated by one of our contributors, +who, having been requested to bring us "something pat," walked into our +office a day or two after with a couple of Fenian generals in tow. + + * * * * * + +A Happy Thought. + +The Elevated Railway is worked by means of what is known to engineers as +an "endless rope." Might it not be well to work the murderers and +robbers of New-York on the same principle? + + * * * * * + +Abnormal. + +One of the strangest anomalies in color known is to be observed at +Mobile and other places on the Southern coast, where black men are +frequently Bay pilots. + + * * * * * + +KING OAKEY THE FIRST, OF IRELAND. + +BY ALDERMAN ROONEY. + + HOORAH! the dawn begins to break, + Ould Ireland's sons at last awake, + And from their sowls the shackles shake + That long have kept them under. + Arise, then, brave Phoenicians all, + Obey your noble gineral's call; + From off the steps of City Hall + You hear his voice of thunder! + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + To take ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Go rowl the news across the say, + Of how we spint the glorious day, + A hundred thousand on Broadway, + And more upon the Island. + Go tell the lords in Parlamint, + Of how Saint PATRICK'S day was spint, + And see if they don't reduce the rint + On every fut of dry land. + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + To take ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Go tell them how you raised the flag, + The green above their crimson rag, + And should they talk of Yankee brag, + We'll tache them how to rue it. + Go tell them how all day you stud, + Wid both your nate feet in the mud, + As if it had been Saxon blood + And you wor fightin' thro' it! + + O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan + Who've tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man. + And make you King of Ireland! + + Your innimies say you're not sincere, + Nor care a straw for Irish here, + Unless whin 'lection time is near, + And Irish votes are wanted. + But don't you throuble yourself at all, + We'll drive your innimies to the wall; + We know you better, OAKEY HALL, + Than take sich stuff for granted. + + No! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + Who've tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + They say you want to be Mayor once more, + And after that, to be Governore-- + As if you wouldn't be needed before, + To lade the Faynians over. + And they say you raise this hullabaloo, + 'Bout Ireland's wrongs, and Cuba's too, + That Irish fools might cotton to you, + And you might sit in clover. + + But no! for OAKEY, you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland! + + Oh! no; we are not so aisy schooled, + By slanders bought wid Saxon goold; + They'll find, who think us so aisy fooled, + How much they underrate us. + Then up, mavrone! and take your stand, + The layder of the Faynian band, + And King you'll soon be of the land + Of shamrogues and potatoes! + + Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + We'll pummel the Britishers every man, + And make you King of Ireland. + + So, good Saint PATRICK, bless the day + Whin Gineral HALL will march away, + Across the deep and briny say, + My country's bonds to sever; + And bless him whin he goes ashore. + And whin he walks in British gore, + And whin he's Ireland's King asthore, + Oh! may he live forever. + + Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan + That tuk ould Erin by the han'; + An' you'll be King of all her lan', + King OAKEY First, of Ireland. + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE MAKING | + | | + | GREAT REDUCTIONS | + | | + | In the Prices of the Goods | + | | + | IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS | + | | + | OF THEIR | + | | + | Retail Establishment, | + | | + | NAMELY, | + | | + | Silks, Satins, Velvets, Dress Goods, | + | Laces, Embroideries, Real | + | India Camel's Hair Shawls, | + | | + | Ladies', Misses', and Children's | + | Walking-Suits, Reception-Dresses, | + | Morning-Robes, Undergarments. | + | Infants' Wardrobes, | + | | + | Gentlemen's Furnishing Goods of every | + | Description, | + | | + | Housekeeping and House-furnishing | + | Goods, Linens, Sheetings, Damasks, | + | Damask Table-Cloths, Napkins, | + | Towels, Towelings, | + | Blankets, Flannels, | + | Quilts, Counterpanes, Carpets, Mats, | + | Rugs, English and American | + | Oil-Cloths, | + | | + | Upholstery Goods in Brocatelles, | + | Silk Terrys, Plain Satins, Figured | + | Cotelaines, Striped Reps, | + | Furniture Chintzes, | + | | + | Etc., Etc., Etc., | + | | + | _AT EXTREMELY LOW PRICES._ | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Avenue and Tenth Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The cleverest novel of the season."--_Baltimore Gazette._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | _Nos. 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street,_ | + | | + | HAVE NOW READY | + | | + | _A New Edition_ | + | | + | OF | + | | + | Red as a Rose is She. | + | | + | By the author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | _From the Boston Traveller._ | + | | + | "After reading such a work, one can no more read an ordinary | + | book than one could enjoy a lunch on dry bread immediately | + | after having dined on Curry and Chili, washed down with | + | burnt brandy." | + | | + | _From the Baltimore Gazette._ | + | | + | "The cleverest novel of the season. The characters are few, | + | but remarkably well drawn; the dialogue fresh, crisp, and | + | sparkling, and the incidents thoroughly natural." | + | | + | _From the Cincinnati Chronicle._ | + | | + | "There is a singular freshness about this novel, often a | + | quaint originality of expression, always a smooth rippling | + | of words not without ideas, of seed thoughts, many of which | + | are well worth cherishing, and which may germinate and grow | + | in the reader's mind long after he has forgotten that 'Red | + | as a Rose is She,' and has ceased to wonder as to who is the | + | author who has so pleasantly entertained him." | + | | + | | + | D. Appleton & Co. | + | | + | PUBLISH, BY THE SAME AUTHOR, | + | | + | _COMETH UP AS A FLOWER._ | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents. | + | | + | _NOT WISELY BUT TOO WELL._ | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Sixty cents. | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | _Third Edition._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, | + | | + | Have now ready the Third Edition of | + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | From the New-York _Evening Express_. | + | | + | "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | + | breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | + | | + | From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | + | | + | "The author can and does write well, the descriptions of | + | scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and | + | never overstrained." | + | | + | D.A. & Co. have just published: | + | | + | A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, | + | ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | + | | + | By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THEIR VARIOUS | + | ORDERS, WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE | + | MOST INTERESTING. | + | | + | By Louis Figuier. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 1 vol. | + | 8vo, $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND | + | CONSEQUENCES. | + | | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | | + | I. THE HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | | + | IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | + | | + | Price, 50 cents each. | + | | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _An Absolutely Pure Article._ | + | | + | | + | | + | THE | + | | + | KNICKERBOCKER | + | | + | Gin Company's | + | | + | WORLD-RENOWNED | + | | + | Double Distilled | + | | + | B. & V.'s "ANCHOR" BRAND | + | | + | OF | + | | + | PURE | + | | + | HOLLAND GIN, | + | | + | FROM THEIR OWN DISTILLERY AT | + | | + | LEIDEN, NEAR SCHIEDAM, HOLLAND. | + | | + | | + | This brand of liquor has obtained a great reputation, not | + | only in Holland but throughout Europe, where it has been | + | tested | + | | + | IN THE MOST CELEBRATED | + | | + | Chemical Institutions. | + | | + | | + | _MILLIONS OF GALLONS_ | + | | + | Have been sent to all parts of the world, and principally to | + | the | + | | + | EAST AND WEST INDIES, AUSTRALIA, AND AFRICA, | + | | + | Where it is used | + | | + | In Preference to any other Brand known. | + | | + | | + | Orders will be received at their office, | + | | + | No. 15 William Street, | + | | + | For the above, and also for their other importations of | + | | + | WINES, | + | | + | BRANDIES, | + | | + | CIGARS, Etc., | + | | + | Which they guarantee as to | + | | + | _PURITY AND GENUINENESS._ | + | | + | | + | KNICKERBOCKER GIN CO., | + | | + | 15 William Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: LUCIFER INTERVIEWS THE MAYOR. + +_Mayor Hall_. "WANT YOUR PLACE PAVED, YOU SAY? CERTAINLY, SIR; HOW WILL +YOU HAVE IT DONE, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS OR WITH BROKEN PROMISES? WE CAN +SUPPLY YOU WITH EITHER AT THE CITY HALL."] + ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| WALTHAM WATCHES. | +| | +| 3-4 PLATE. | +| | +| _16 and 20 Sizes._ | +| | +| To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | +| devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | +| command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | +| beauty, no less than for the greater excellences of | +| mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | +| execution, these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | +| | +| In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | +| Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | +| | +| FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELERS. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| HENRY L. STEPHENS, | +| | +| ARTIST, | +| | +| No. 160 Fulton Street, | +| | +| NEW-YORK. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ +| | +| Important to Newsdealers! | +| | +| ALL ORDERS FOR | +| | +| PUNCHINELLO | +| | +| Will be supplied by | +| | +| OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS, | +| | +| American News Co. | +| | +| NEW-YORK. | +| | ++--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 1, Saturday, +April 2, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 1, *** + +***** This file should be named 11177.txt or 11177.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/1/7/11177/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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