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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11189 ***
+
+CAPTAINS ALL
+
+By W.W. Jacobs
+
+
+
+THE MADNESS OF MR. LISTER
+
+[Illustration: "The Madness of Mr. Lister."]
+
+Old Jem Lister, of the _Susannah,_ was possessed of two devils--the love
+of strong drink and avarice--and the only thing the twain had in common
+was to get a drink without paying for it.  When Mr. Lister paid for a
+drink, the demon of avarice masquerading as conscience preached a
+teetotal lecture, and when he showed signs of profiting by it, the demon
+of drink would send him hanging round public-house doors cadging for
+drinks in a way which his shipmates regarded as a slur upon the entire
+ship's company.  Many a healthy thirst reared on salt beef and tickled
+with strong tobacco had been spoiled by the sight of Mr. Lister standing
+by the entrance, with a propitiatory smile, waiting to be invited in to
+share it, and on one occasion they had even seen him (him, Jem Lister,
+A.B.) holding a horse's head, with ulterior motives.
+
+It was pointed out to Mr. Lister at last that his conduct was reflecting
+discredit upon men who were fully able to look after themselves in that
+direction, without having any additional burden thrust upon them.  Bill
+Henshaw was the spokesman, and on the score of violence (miscalled
+firmness) his remarks left little to be desired.  On the score of
+profanity, Bill might recall with pride that in the opinion of his
+fellows he had left nothing unsaid.
+
+"You ought to ha' been a member o' Parliament, Bill," said Harry Lea,
+when he had finished.
+
+"It wants money," said Henshaw, shaking his head.
+
+Mr. Lister laughed, a senile laugh, but not lacking in venom.
+
+"That's what we've got to say," said Henshaw, turning upon him suddenly.
+"If there's anything I hate in this world, it's a drinking miser.  You
+know our opinion, and the best thing you can do is to turn over a new
+leaf now."
+
+"Take us all in to the Goat and Compasses," urged Lea; "bring out some o'
+those sovrins you've been hoarding."
+
+Mr. Lister gazed at him with frigid scorn, and finding that the
+conversation still seemed to centre round his unworthy person, went up on
+deck and sat glowering over the insults which had been heaped upon him.
+His futile wrath when Bill dogged his footsteps ashore next day and
+revealed his character to a bibulous individual whom he had almost
+persuaded to be a Christian--from his point of view--bordered upon the
+maudlin, and he wandered back to the ship, wild-eyed and dry of throat.
+
+For the next two months it was safe to say that every drink he had he
+paid for.  His eyes got brighter and his complexion clearer, nor was
+he as pleased as one of the other sex might have been when the
+self-satisfied Henshaw pointed out these improvements to his companions,
+and claimed entire responsibility for them.  It is probable that Mr.
+Lister, under these circumstances, might in time have lived down his
+taste for strong drink, but that at just that time they shipped a new
+cook.
+
+He was a big, cadaverous young fellow, who looked too closely after his
+own interests to be much of a favourite with the other men forward.  On
+the score of thrift, it was soon discovered that he and Mr. Lister had
+much in common, and the latter, pleased to find a congenial spirit, was
+disposed to make the most of him, and spent, despite the heat, much of
+his spare time in the galley.
+
+"You keep to it," said the greybeard impressively; "money was made to be
+took care of; if you don't spend your money you've always got it.  I've
+always been a saving man--what's the result?"
+
+The cook, waiting some time in patience to be told, gently inquired what
+it was.
+
+"'Ere am I," said Mr. Lister, good-naturedly helping him to cut a
+cabbage, "at the age of sixty-two with a bank-book down below in my
+chest, with one hundered an' ninety pounds odd in it."
+
+"One 'undered and ninety pounds!" repeated the cook, with awe.
+
+"To say nothing of other things," continued Mr. Lister, with joyful
+appreciation of the effect he was producing.  "Altogether I've got a
+little over four 'undered pounds."
+
+The cook gasped, and with gentle firmness took the cabbage from him as
+being unfit work for a man of such wealth.
+
+"It's very nice," he said, slowly.  "It's very nice.  You'll be able to
+live on it in your old age."
+
+Mr. Lister shook his head mournfully, and his eyes became humid.
+
+"There's no old age for me," he said, sadly; "but you needn't tell them,"
+and he jerked his thumb towards the forecastle.
+
+"No, no," said the cook.
+
+"I've never been one to talk over my affairs," said Mr. Lister, in a low
+voice.  "I've never yet took fancy enough to anybody so to do.  No, my
+lad, I'm saving up for somebody else."
+
+"What are you going to live on when you're past work then?" demanded the
+other.
+
+Mr. Lister took him gently by the sleeve, and his voice sank with the
+solemnity of his subject: "I'm not going to have no old age," he said,
+resignedly.
+
+"Not going to live!" repeated the cook, gazing uneasily at a knife by his
+side.  "How do you know?"
+
+"I went to a orsepittle in London," said Mr. Lister.  "I've been to two
+or three altogether, while the money I've spent on doctors is more than I
+like to think of, and they're all surprised to think that I've lived so
+long.  I'm so chock-full o' complaints, that they tell me I can't live
+more than two years, and I might go off at any moment."
+
+"Well, you've got money," said the cook, "why don't you knock off work
+now and spend the evenin' of your life ashore?  Why should you save up
+for your relatives?"
+
+"I've got no relatives," said Mr. Lister; "I'm all alone.  I 'spose I
+shall leave my money to some nice young feller, and I hope it'll do 'im
+good."
+
+With the dazzling thoughts which flashed through the cook's brain the
+cabbage dropped violently into the saucepan, and a shower of cooling
+drops fell on both men.
+
+"I 'spose you take medicine?" he said, at length.
+
+"A little rum," said Mr. Lister, faintly; "the doctors tell me that it is
+the only thing that keeps me up--o' course, the chaps down there "--he
+indicated the forecastle again with a jerk of his head--"accuse me o'
+taking too much."
+
+"What do ye take any notice of 'em for?" inquired the other, indignantly.
+
+"I 'spose it is foolish," admitted Mr. Lister; "but I don't like being
+misunderstood.  I keep my troubles to myself as a rule, cook.  I don't
+know what's made me talk to you like this.  I 'eard the other day you was
+keeping company with a young woman."
+
+"Well, I won't say as I ain't," replied the other, busying himself over
+the fire.
+
+"An' the best thing, too, my lad," said the old man, warmly.  "It keeps
+you stiddy, keeps you out of public-'ouses; not as they ain't good in
+moderation--I 'ope you'll be 'appy."
+
+A friendship sprang up between the two men which puzzled the remainder
+of the crew not a little.
+
+The cook thanked him, and noticed that Mr. Lister was fidgeting with a
+piece of paper.
+
+"A little something I wrote the other day," said the old man, catching
+his eye.  "If I let you see it, will you promise not to tell a soul about
+it, and not to give me no thanks?"
+
+The wondering cook promised, and, the old man being somewhat emphatic on
+the subject, backed his promise with a home made affidavit of singular
+power and profanity.
+
+"Here it is, then," said Mr. Lister.
+
+The cook took the paper, and as he read the letters danced before him.
+He blinked his eyes and started again, slowly.  In plain black and white
+and nondescript-coloured finger-marks, Mr. Lister, after a general
+statement as to his bodily and mental health, left the whole of his
+estate to the cook.  The will was properly dated and witnessed, and the
+cook's voice shook with excitement and emotion as he offered to hand it
+back.
+
+"I don't know what I've done for you to do this," he said.
+
+Mr. Lister waved it away again.  "Keep it," he said, simply; "while
+you've got it on you, you'll know it's safe."
+
+From this moment a friendship sprang up between the two men which puzzled
+the remainder of the crew not a little.  The attitude of the cook was as
+that of a son to a father: the benignancy of Mr. Lister beautiful to
+behold.  It was noticed, too, that he had abandoned the reprehensible
+practice of hanging round tavern doors in favour of going inside and
+drinking the cook's health.
+
+[Illustration: "A friendship sprang up between the two men which puzzled
+the remainder of the crew not a little."]
+
+For about six months the cook, although always in somewhat straitened
+circumstances, was well content with the tacit bargain, and then, bit by
+bit, the character of Mr. Lister was revealed to him.  It was not a nice
+character, but subtle; and when he made the startling discovery that a
+will could be rendered invalid by the simple process of making another
+one the next day, he became as a man possessed.  When he ascertained that
+Mr. Lister when at home had free quarters at the house of a married
+niece, he used to sit about alone, and try and think of ways and means of
+securing capital sunk in a concern which seemed to show no signs of being
+wound-up.
+
+"I've got a touch of the 'art again, lad," said the elderly invalid, as
+they sat alone in the forecastle one night at Seacole.
+
+"You move about too much," said the cook.  "Why not turn in and rest?"
+
+Mr. Lister, who had not expected this, fidgeted.  "I think I'll go ashore
+a bit and try the air," he said, suggestively.  "I'll just go as far as
+the Black Horse and back.  You won't have me long now, my lad."
+
+"No, I know," said the cook; "that's what's worrying me a bit."
+"Don't worry about me," said the old man, pausing with his hand on the
+other's shoulder; "I'm not worth it.  Don't look so glum, lad."
+
+"I've got something on my mind, Jem," said the cook, staring straight in
+front of him.
+
+"What is it?" inquired Mr. Lister.
+
+"You know what you told me about those pains in your inside?" said the
+cook, without looking at him.
+
+Jem groaned and felt his side.
+
+"And what you said about its being a relief to die," continued the other,
+"only you was afraid to commit suicide?"
+
+"Well?" said Mr. Lister.
+
+"It used to worry me," continued the cook, earnestly.  "I used to say to
+myself, 'Poor old Jem,' I ses, 'why should 'e suffer like this when he
+wants to die?  It seemed 'ard.'"
+
+"It is 'ard," said Mr. Lister, "but what about it?"
+
+The other made no reply, but looking at him for the first time, surveyed
+him with a troubled expression.
+
+"What about it?" repeated Mr. Lister, with some emphasis.
+
+"You did say you wanted to die, didn't you?"  said the cook.  "Now
+suppose suppose----"
+
+"Suppose what?" inquired the old man, sharply.  "Why don't you say what
+you're agoing to say?"
+
+"Suppose," said the cook, "some one what liked you, Jem--what liked you,
+mind--'eard you say this over and over again, an' see you sufferin' and
+'eard you groanin' and not able to do nothin' for you except lend you a
+few shillings here and there for medicine, or stand you a few glasses o'
+rum; suppose they knew a chap in a chemist's shop?"
+
+"Suppose they did?" said the other, turning pale.
+
+"A chap what knows all about p'isons," continued the cook, "p'isons what
+a man can take without knowing it in 'is grub.  Would it be wrong, do you
+think, if that friend I was speaking about put it in your food to put you
+out of your misery?"
+
+"Wrong," said Mr. Lister, with glassy eyes.  "Wrong.  Look 'ere, cook--"
+
+"I don't mean anything to give him pain," said the other, waving his
+hand; "you ain't felt no pain lately, 'ave you, Jem?"
+
+"Do you mean to say" shouted Mr. Lister.
+
+"I don't mean to say anything," said the cook.  "Answer my question.  You
+ain't felt no pain lately, 'ave you?"
+
+"Have--you--been--putting--p'ison--in--my--wittles?" demanded Mr. Lister,
+in trembling accents.
+
+"If I 'ad, Jem, supposin' that I 'ad," said the cook, in accents of
+reproachful surprise, "do you mean to say that you'd mind?"
+
+"MIND," said Mr. Lister, with fervour.  "I'd 'ave you 'ung!"
+
+"But you said you wanted to die," said the surprised cook.
+
+Mr. Lister swore at him with startling vigour.  "I'll 'ave you 'ung," he
+repeated, wildly.
+
+"Me," said the cook, artlessly.  "What for?"
+
+"For giving me p'ison," said Mr. Lister, frantically.  "Do you think you
+can deceive me by your roundabouts?  Do you think I can't see through
+you?"
+
+The other with a sphinx-like smile sat unmoved.  "Prove it," he said,
+darkly.  "But supposin' if anybody 'ad been givin' you p'ison, would you
+like to take something to prevent its acting?"
+
+"I'd take gallons of it," said Mr. Lister, feverishly.
+
+The other sat pondering, while the old man watched him anxiously.  "It's
+a pity you don't know your own mind, Jem," he said, at length; "still,
+you know your own business best.  But it's very expensive stuff."
+
+"How much?" inquired the other.
+
+"Well, they won't sell more than two shillings-worth at a time," said the
+cook, trying to speak carelessly, "but if you like to let me 'ave the
+money, I'll go ashore to the chemist's and get the first lot now."
+
+Mr. Lister's face was a study in emotions, which the other tried in vain
+to decipher.
+
+Then he slowly extracted the amount from his trousers-pocket, and handed
+it over with-out a word.
+
+"I'll go at once," said the cook, with a little feeling, "and I'll never
+take a man at his word again, Jem."
+
+He ran blithely up on deck, and stepping ashore, spat on the coins for
+luck and dropped them in his pocket.  Down below, Mr. Lister, with his
+chin in his hand, sat in a state of mind pretty evenly divided between
+rage and fear.
+
+The cook, who was in no mood for company, missed the rest of the crew by
+two public-houses, and having purchased a baby's teething powder and
+removed the label, had a congratulatory drink or two before going on
+board again.  A chatter of voices from the forecastle warned him that the
+crew had returned, but the tongues ceased abruptly as he descended, and
+three pairs of eyes surveyed him in grim silence.
+
+"What's up?" he demanded.
+
+"Wot 'ave you been doin' to poor old Jem?" demanded Henshaw, sternly.
+
+"Nothin'," said the other, shortly.
+
+"You ain't been p'isoning 'im?" demanded Henshaw.
+
+"Certainly not," said the cook, emphatically.
+
+"He ses you told 'im you p'isoned 'im," said Henshaw, solemnly, "and 'e
+give you two shillings to get something to cure 'im.  It's too late now."
+
+"What?" stammered the bewildered cook.  He looked round anxiously at the
+men.
+
+They were all very grave, and the silence became oppressive.
+"Where is he?" he demanded.
+
+Henshaw and the others exchanged glances.  "He's gone mad," said he,
+slowly.
+
+"Mad?" repeated the horrified cook, and, seeing the aversion of the crew,
+in a broken voice he narrated the way in which he had been victimized.
+
+"Well, you've done it now," said Henshaw, when he had finished.  "He's
+gone right orf 'is 'ed."
+
+"Where is he?" inquired the cook.
+
+"Where you can't follow him," said the other, slowly.
+
+"Heaven?" hazarded the unfortunate cook.  "No; skipper's bunk," said Lea.
+
+"Oh, can't I foller 'im?" said the cook, starting up.  "I'll soon 'ave
+'im out o' that."
+
+"Better leave 'im alone," said Henshaw.  "He was that wild we couldn't do
+nothing with 'im, singing an' larfin' and crying all together--I
+certainly thought he was p'isoned."
+
+"I'll swear I ain't touched him," said the cook.
+
+"Well, you've upset his reason," said Henshaw; "there'll be an awful row
+when the skipper comes aboard and finds 'im in 'is bed.
+
+"'Well, come an' 'elp me to get 'im out," said the cook.
+
+"I ain't going to be mixed up in it," said Henshaw, shaking his head.
+
+"Don't you, Bill," said the other two.
+
+"Wot the skipper'll say I don't know," said Henshaw; "anyway, it'll be
+said to you, not----"
+
+"I'll go and get 'im out if 'e was five madmen," said the cook,
+compressing his lips.
+
+"You'll harve to carry 'im out, then," said Henshaw.  "I don't wish you
+no 'arm, cook, and perhaps it would be as well to get 'im out afore the
+skipper or mate comes aboard.  If it was me, I know what I should do."
+
+"What?" inquired the cook, breathlessly.
+
+"Draw a sack over his head," said Henshaw, impressively; "he'll scream
+like blazes as soon as you touch him, and rouse the folks ashore if you
+don't.  Besides that, if you draw it well down it'll keep his arms fast."
+
+The cook thanked him fervently, and routing out a sack, rushed hastily on
+deck, his departure being the signal for Mr. Henshaw and his friends to
+make preparations for retiring for the night so hastily as almost to
+savour of panic.
+
+The cook, after a hasty glance ashore, went softly below with the sack
+over his arm and felt his way in the darkness to the skipper's bunk.  The
+sound of deep and regular breathing reassured him, and without undue
+haste he opened the mouth of the sack and gently raised the sleeper's
+head.
+
+"Eh?  Wha----" began a sleepy voice.
+
+The next moment the cook had bagged him, and gripping him tightly round
+the middle, turned a deaf ear to the smothered cries of his victim as he
+strove to lift him out of the bunk.  In the exciting time which followed,
+he had more than one reason for thinking that he had caught a centipede.
+
+"Now, you keep still," he cried, breathlessly.  "I'm not going to hurt
+you."
+
+He got his burden out of bed at last, and staggered to the foot of the
+companion-ladder with it.  Then there was a halt, two legs sticking
+obstinately across the narrow way and refusing to be moved, while a
+furious humming proceeded from the other end of the sack.
+
+Four times did the exhausted cook get his shoulder under his burden and
+try and push it up the ladder, and four times did it wriggle and fight
+its way down again.  Half crazy with fear and rage, he essayed it for the
+fifth time, and had got it half-way up when there was a sudden
+exclamation of surprise from above, and the voice of the mate sharply
+demanding an explanation.
+
+"What the blazes are you up to?" he cried.
+
+"It's all right, sir," said the panting cook; "old Jem's had a drop too
+much and got down aft, and I'm getting 'im for'ard again."
+
+"Jem?" said the astonished mate.  "Why, he's sitting up here on the
+fore-hatch.  He came aboard with me."
+
+"Sitting," began the horrified cook; "sit--oh, lor!"
+
+He stood with his writhing burden wedged between his body and the ladder,
+and looked up despairingly at the mate.
+
+"I'm afraid I've made a mistake," he said in a trembling voice.
+
+The mate struck a match and looked down.
+
+"Take that sack off," he demanded, sternly.
+
+The cook placed his burden upon its feet, and running up the ladder stood
+by the mate shivering.  The latter struck another match, and the twain
+watched in breathless silence the writhings of the strange creature below
+as the covering worked slowly upwards.  In the fourth match it got free,
+and revealed the empurpled visage of the master of the _Susannah_.  For
+the fraction of a second the cook gazed at him in speechless horror, and
+then, with a hopeless cry, sprang ashore and ran for it, hotly pursued by
+his enraged victim.  At the time of sailing he was still absent, and the
+skipper, loth to part two such friends, sent Mr. James Lister, at the
+urgent request of the anxious crew, to look for him.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Madness of Mr. Lister, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11189 ***