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diff --git a/old/11189.txt b/old/11189.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..05115f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11189.txt @@ -0,0 +1,886 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Madness of Mr. Lister, by W.W. Jacobs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Madness of Mr. Lister + Captains All, Book 9. + +Author: W.W. Jacobs + +Release Date: February 20, 2004 [EBook #11189] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MADNESS OF MR. LISTER *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + +CAPTAINS ALL + +By W.W. Jacobs + + + +THE MADNESS OF MR. LISTER + +[Illustration: "The Madness of Mr. Lister."] + +Old Jem Lister, of the _Susannah,_ was possessed of two devils--the love +of strong drink and avarice--and the only thing the twain had in common +was to get a drink without paying for it. When Mr. Lister paid for a +drink, the demon of avarice masquerading as conscience preached a +teetotal lecture, and when he showed signs of profiting by it, the demon +of drink would send him hanging round public-house doors cadging for +drinks in a way which his shipmates regarded as a slur upon the entire +ship's company. Many a healthy thirst reared on salt beef and tickled +with strong tobacco had been spoiled by the sight of Mr. Lister standing +by the entrance, with a propitiatory smile, waiting to be invited in to +share it, and on one occasion they had even seen him (him, Jem Lister, +A.B.) holding a horse's head, with ulterior motives. + +It was pointed out to Mr. Lister at last that his conduct was reflecting +discredit upon men who were fully able to look after themselves in that +direction, without having any additional burden thrust upon them. Bill +Henshaw was the spokesman, and on the score of violence (miscalled +firmness) his remarks left little to be desired. On the score of +profanity, Bill might recall with pride that in the opinion of his +fellows he had left nothing unsaid. + +"You ought to ha' been a member o' Parliament, Bill," said Harry Lea, +when he had finished. + +"It wants money," said Henshaw, shaking his head. + +Mr. Lister laughed, a senile laugh, but not lacking in venom. + +"That's what we've got to say," said Henshaw, turning upon him suddenly. +"If there's anything I hate in this world, it's a drinking miser. You +know our opinion, and the best thing you can do is to turn over a new +leaf now." + +"Take us all in to the Goat and Compasses," urged Lea; "bring out some o' +those sovrins you've been hoarding." + +Mr. Lister gazed at him with frigid scorn, and finding that the +conversation still seemed to centre round his unworthy person, went up on +deck and sat glowering over the insults which had been heaped upon him. +His futile wrath when Bill dogged his footsteps ashore next day and +revealed his character to a bibulous individual whom he had almost +persuaded to be a Christian--from his point of view--bordered upon the +maudlin, and he wandered back to the ship, wild-eyed and dry of throat. + +For the next two months it was safe to say that every drink he had he +paid for. His eyes got brighter and his complexion clearer, nor was +he as pleased as one of the other sex might have been when the +self-satisfied Henshaw pointed out these improvements to his companions, +and claimed entire responsibility for them. It is probable that Mr. +Lister, under these circumstances, might in time have lived down his +taste for strong drink, but that at just that time they shipped a new +cook. + +He was a big, cadaverous young fellow, who looked too closely after his +own interests to be much of a favourite with the other men forward. On +the score of thrift, it was soon discovered that he and Mr. Lister had +much in common, and the latter, pleased to find a congenial spirit, was +disposed to make the most of him, and spent, despite the heat, much of +his spare time in the galley. + +"You keep to it," said the greybeard impressively; "money was made to be +took care of; if you don't spend your money you've always got it. I've +always been a saving man--what's the result?" + +The cook, waiting some time in patience to be told, gently inquired what +it was. + +"'Ere am I," said Mr. Lister, good-naturedly helping him to cut a +cabbage, "at the age of sixty-two with a bank-book down below in my +chest, with one hundered an' ninety pounds odd in it." + +"One 'undered and ninety pounds!" repeated the cook, with awe. + +"To say nothing of other things," continued Mr. Lister, with joyful +appreciation of the effect he was producing. "Altogether I've got a +little over four 'undered pounds." + +The cook gasped, and with gentle firmness took the cabbage from him as +being unfit work for a man of such wealth. + +"It's very nice," he said, slowly. "It's very nice. You'll be able to +live on it in your old age." + +Mr. Lister shook his head mournfully, and his eyes became humid. + +"There's no old age for me," he said, sadly; "but you needn't tell them," +and he jerked his thumb towards the forecastle. + +"No, no," said the cook. + +"I've never been one to talk over my affairs," said Mr. Lister, in a low +voice. "I've never yet took fancy enough to anybody so to do. No, my +lad, I'm saving up for somebody else." + +"What are you going to live on when you're past work then?" demanded the +other. + +Mr. Lister took him gently by the sleeve, and his voice sank with the +solemnity of his subject: "I'm not going to have no old age," he said, +resignedly. + +"Not going to live!" repeated the cook, gazing uneasily at a knife by his +side. "How do you know?" + +"I went to a orsepittle in London," said Mr. Lister. "I've been to two +or three altogether, while the money I've spent on doctors is more than I +like to think of, and they're all surprised to think that I've lived so +long. I'm so chock-full o' complaints, that they tell me I can't live +more than two years, and I might go off at any moment." + +"Well, you've got money," said the cook, "why don't you knock off work +now and spend the evenin' of your life ashore? Why should you save up +for your relatives?" + +"I've got no relatives," said Mr. Lister; "I'm all alone. I 'spose I +shall leave my money to some nice young feller, and I hope it'll do 'im +good." + +With the dazzling thoughts which flashed through the cook's brain the +cabbage dropped violently into the saucepan, and a shower of cooling +drops fell on both men. + +"I 'spose you take medicine?" he said, at length. + +"A little rum," said Mr. Lister, faintly; "the doctors tell me that it is +the only thing that keeps me up--o' course, the chaps down there "--he +indicated the forecastle again with a jerk of his head--"accuse me o' +taking too much." + +"What do ye take any notice of 'em for?" inquired the other, indignantly. + +"I 'spose it is foolish," admitted Mr. Lister; "but I don't like being +misunderstood. I keep my troubles to myself as a rule, cook. I don't +know what's made me talk to you like this. I 'eard the other day you was +keeping company with a young woman." + +"Well, I won't say as I ain't," replied the other, busying himself over +the fire. + +"An' the best thing, too, my lad," said the old man, warmly. "It keeps +you stiddy, keeps you out of public-'ouses; not as they ain't good in +moderation--I 'ope you'll be 'appy." + +A friendship sprang up between the two men which puzzled the remainder +of the crew not a little. + +The cook thanked him, and noticed that Mr. Lister was fidgeting with a +piece of paper. + +"A little something I wrote the other day," said the old man, catching +his eye. "If I let you see it, will you promise not to tell a soul about +it, and not to give me no thanks?" + +The wondering cook promised, and, the old man being somewhat emphatic on +the subject, backed his promise with a home made affidavit of singular +power and profanity. + +"Here it is, then," said Mr. Lister. + +The cook took the paper, and as he read the letters danced before him. +He blinked his eyes and started again, slowly. In plain black and white +and nondescript-coloured finger-marks, Mr. Lister, after a general +statement as to his bodily and mental health, left the whole of his +estate to the cook. The will was properly dated and witnessed, and the +cook's voice shook with excitement and emotion as he offered to hand it +back. + +"I don't know what I've done for you to do this," he said. + +Mr. Lister waved it away again. "Keep it," he said, simply; "while +you've got it on you, you'll know it's safe." + +From this moment a friendship sprang up between the two men which puzzled +the remainder of the crew not a little. The attitude of the cook was as +that of a son to a father: the benignancy of Mr. Lister beautiful to +behold. It was noticed, too, that he had abandoned the reprehensible +practice of hanging round tavern doors in favour of going inside and +drinking the cook's health. + +[Illustration: "A friendship sprang up between the two men which puzzled +the remainder of the crew not a little."] + +For about six months the cook, although always in somewhat straitened +circumstances, was well content with the tacit bargain, and then, bit by +bit, the character of Mr. Lister was revealed to him. It was not a nice +character, but subtle; and when he made the startling discovery that a +will could be rendered invalid by the simple process of making another +one the next day, he became as a man possessed. When he ascertained that +Mr. Lister when at home had free quarters at the house of a married +niece, he used to sit about alone, and try and think of ways and means of +securing capital sunk in a concern which seemed to show no signs of being +wound-up. + +"I've got a touch of the 'art again, lad," said the elderly invalid, as +they sat alone in the forecastle one night at Seacole. + +"You move about too much," said the cook. "Why not turn in and rest?" + +Mr. Lister, who had not expected this, fidgeted. "I think I'll go ashore +a bit and try the air," he said, suggestively. "I'll just go as far as +the Black Horse and back. You won't have me long now, my lad." + +"No, I know," said the cook; "that's what's worrying me a bit." +"Don't worry about me," said the old man, pausing with his hand on the +other's shoulder; "I'm not worth it. Don't look so glum, lad." + +"I've got something on my mind, Jem," said the cook, staring straight in +front of him. + +"What is it?" inquired Mr. Lister. + +"You know what you told me about those pains in your inside?" said the +cook, without looking at him. + +Jem groaned and felt his side. + +"And what you said about its being a relief to die," continued the other, +"only you was afraid to commit suicide?" + +"Well?" said Mr. Lister. + +"It used to worry me," continued the cook, earnestly. "I used to say to +myself, 'Poor old Jem,' I ses, 'why should 'e suffer like this when he +wants to die? It seemed 'ard.'" + +"It is 'ard," said Mr. Lister, "but what about it?" + +The other made no reply, but looking at him for the first time, surveyed +him with a troubled expression. + +"What about it?" repeated Mr. Lister, with some emphasis. + +"You did say you wanted to die, didn't you?" said the cook. "Now +suppose suppose----" + +"Suppose what?" inquired the old man, sharply. "Why don't you say what +you're agoing to say?" + +"Suppose," said the cook, "some one what liked you, Jem--what liked you, +mind--'eard you say this over and over again, an' see you sufferin' and +'eard you groanin' and not able to do nothin' for you except lend you a +few shillings here and there for medicine, or stand you a few glasses o' +rum; suppose they knew a chap in a chemist's shop?" + +"Suppose they did?" said the other, turning pale. + +"A chap what knows all about p'isons," continued the cook, "p'isons what +a man can take without knowing it in 'is grub. Would it be wrong, do you +think, if that friend I was speaking about put it in your food to put you +out of your misery?" + +"Wrong," said Mr. Lister, with glassy eyes. "Wrong. Look 'ere, cook--" + +"I don't mean anything to give him pain," said the other, waving his +hand; "you ain't felt no pain lately, 'ave you, Jem?" + +"Do you mean to say" shouted Mr. Lister. + +"I don't mean to say anything," said the cook. "Answer my question. You +ain't felt no pain lately, 'ave you?" + +"Have--you--been--putting--p'ison--in--my--wittles?" demanded Mr. Lister, +in trembling accents. + +"If I 'ad, Jem, supposin' that I 'ad," said the cook, in accents of +reproachful surprise, "do you mean to say that you'd mind?" + +"MIND," said Mr. Lister, with fervour. "I'd 'ave you 'ung!" + +"But you said you wanted to die," said the surprised cook. + +Mr. Lister swore at him with startling vigour. "I'll 'ave you 'ung," he +repeated, wildly. + +"Me," said the cook, artlessly. "What for?" + +"For giving me p'ison," said Mr. Lister, frantically. "Do you think you +can deceive me by your roundabouts? Do you think I can't see through +you?" + +The other with a sphinx-like smile sat unmoved. "Prove it," he said, +darkly. "But supposin' if anybody 'ad been givin' you p'ison, would you +like to take something to prevent its acting?" + +"I'd take gallons of it," said Mr. Lister, feverishly. + +The other sat pondering, while the old man watched him anxiously. "It's +a pity you don't know your own mind, Jem," he said, at length; "still, +you know your own business best. But it's very expensive stuff." + +"How much?" inquired the other. + +"Well, they won't sell more than two shillings-worth at a time," said the +cook, trying to speak carelessly, "but if you like to let me 'ave the +money, I'll go ashore to the chemist's and get the first lot now." + +Mr. Lister's face was a study in emotions, which the other tried in vain +to decipher. + +Then he slowly extracted the amount from his trousers-pocket, and handed +it over with-out a word. + +"I'll go at once," said the cook, with a little feeling, "and I'll never +take a man at his word again, Jem." + +He ran blithely up on deck, and stepping ashore, spat on the coins for +luck and dropped them in his pocket. Down below, Mr. Lister, with his +chin in his hand, sat in a state of mind pretty evenly divided between +rage and fear. + +The cook, who was in no mood for company, missed the rest of the crew by +two public-houses, and having purchased a baby's teething powder and +removed the label, had a congratulatory drink or two before going on +board again. A chatter of voices from the forecastle warned him that the +crew had returned, but the tongues ceased abruptly as he descended, and +three pairs of eyes surveyed him in grim silence. + +"What's up?" he demanded. + +"Wot 'ave you been doin' to poor old Jem?" demanded Henshaw, sternly. + +"Nothin'," said the other, shortly. + +"You ain't been p'isoning 'im?" demanded Henshaw. + +"Certainly not," said the cook, emphatically. + +"He ses you told 'im you p'isoned 'im," said Henshaw, solemnly, "and 'e +give you two shillings to get something to cure 'im. It's too late now." + +"What?" stammered the bewildered cook. He looked round anxiously at the +men. + +They were all very grave, and the silence became oppressive. +"Where is he?" he demanded. + +Henshaw and the others exchanged glances. "He's gone mad," said he, +slowly. + +"Mad?" repeated the horrified cook, and, seeing the aversion of the crew, +in a broken voice he narrated the way in which he had been victimized. + +"Well, you've done it now," said Henshaw, when he had finished. "He's +gone right orf 'is 'ed." + +"Where is he?" inquired the cook. + +"Where you can't follow him," said the other, slowly. + +"Heaven?" hazarded the unfortunate cook. "No; skipper's bunk," said Lea. + +"Oh, can't I foller 'im?" said the cook, starting up. "I'll soon 'ave +'im out o' that." + +"Better leave 'im alone," said Henshaw. "He was that wild we couldn't do +nothing with 'im, singing an' larfin' and crying all together--I +certainly thought he was p'isoned." + +"I'll swear I ain't touched him," said the cook. + +"Well, you've upset his reason," said Henshaw; "there'll be an awful row +when the skipper comes aboard and finds 'im in 'is bed. + +"'Well, come an' 'elp me to get 'im out," said the cook. + +"I ain't going to be mixed up in it," said Henshaw, shaking his head. + +"Don't you, Bill," said the other two. + +"Wot the skipper'll say I don't know," said Henshaw; "anyway, it'll be +said to you, not----" + +"I'll go and get 'im out if 'e was five madmen," said the cook, +compressing his lips. + +"You'll harve to carry 'im out, then," said Henshaw. "I don't wish you +no 'arm, cook, and perhaps it would be as well to get 'im out afore the +skipper or mate comes aboard. If it was me, I know what I should do." + +"What?" inquired the cook, breathlessly. + +"Draw a sack over his head," said Henshaw, impressively; "he'll scream +like blazes as soon as you touch him, and rouse the folks ashore if you +don't. Besides that, if you draw it well down it'll keep his arms fast." + +The cook thanked him fervently, and routing out a sack, rushed hastily on +deck, his departure being the signal for Mr. Henshaw and his friends to +make preparations for retiring for the night so hastily as almost to +savour of panic. + +The cook, after a hasty glance ashore, went softly below with the sack +over his arm and felt his way in the darkness to the skipper's bunk. The +sound of deep and regular breathing reassured him, and without undue +haste he opened the mouth of the sack and gently raised the sleeper's +head. + +"Eh? Wha----" began a sleepy voice. + +The next moment the cook had bagged him, and gripping him tightly round +the middle, turned a deaf ear to the smothered cries of his victim as he +strove to lift him out of the bunk. In the exciting time which followed, +he had more than one reason for thinking that he had caught a centipede. + +"Now, you keep still," he cried, breathlessly. "I'm not going to hurt +you." + +He got his burden out of bed at last, and staggered to the foot of the +companion-ladder with it. Then there was a halt, two legs sticking +obstinately across the narrow way and refusing to be moved, while a +furious humming proceeded from the other end of the sack. + +Four times did the exhausted cook get his shoulder under his burden and +try and push it up the ladder, and four times did it wriggle and fight +its way down again. Half crazy with fear and rage, he essayed it for the +fifth time, and had got it half-way up when there was a sudden +exclamation of surprise from above, and the voice of the mate sharply +demanding an explanation. + +"What the blazes are you up to?" he cried. + +"It's all right, sir," said the panting cook; "old Jem's had a drop too +much and got down aft, and I'm getting 'im for'ard again." + +"Jem?" said the astonished mate. "Why, he's sitting up here on the +fore-hatch. He came aboard with me." + +"Sitting," began the horrified cook; "sit--oh, lor!" + +He stood with his writhing burden wedged between his body and the ladder, +and looked up despairingly at the mate. + +"I'm afraid I've made a mistake," he said in a trembling voice. + +The mate struck a match and looked down. + +"Take that sack off," he demanded, sternly. + +The cook placed his burden upon its feet, and running up the ladder stood +by the mate shivering. The latter struck another match, and the twain +watched in breathless silence the writhings of the strange creature below +as the covering worked slowly upwards. In the fourth match it got free, +and revealed the empurpled visage of the master of the _Susannah_. For +the fraction of a second the cook gazed at him in speechless horror, and +then, with a hopeless cry, sprang ashore and ran for it, hotly pursued by +his enraged victim. At the time of sailing he was still absent, and the +skipper, loth to part two such friends, sent Mr. James Lister, at the +urgent request of the anxious crew, to look for him. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Madness of Mr. Lister, by W.W. Jacobs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MADNESS OF MR. 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