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diff --git a/old/11201.txt b/old/11201.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..26d5e9b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11201.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2324 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156., +March 5, 1919, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156., March 5, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 21, 2004 [EBook #11201] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +March 5, 1919. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"What is whisky?" asks an evening paper headline. Our memory is not +what is was, but we have certainly seen the name somewhere. + + *** + +"Bitter," says the _Koelnische Zeitung_, "is the taste of defeat." A +reference, presumably, to the thirty thousand tons of American bacon +sold to Germany by the Allies. + + *** + +"The Octopus," said the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN in his inaugural address, +"is showing its fangs." Meanwhile Cardinal GIBBONS is busy twisting +the Lion's tentacles. + + *** + +The owner of a mule found wandering at Walton-on-Thames is being +advertised for. "Trooper," writing from Mesopotamia, says that if it +had a portion of khaki breeching and a stirrup in its mouth it is +probably the brute which slipped out of his hands about six months +ago. + + *** + +With regard to the man who was seen struggling in the river last week, +the report that his house was immediately taken by a passer-by is +untrue. The man who pushed him in had got there first. + + *** + +So much controversy has been caused by DE VALERA'S escape from prison +that there is some idea of getting him to go back and do it again. + + *** + +It is reported that just before his escape DE VALERA had been greatly +affected by the account of some labour strike. He is supposed to have +come out in sympathy. + + *** + +There are now, it is announced, thirty-six prices at which bottled +beer may be sold. It is only fair to our readers to state that the +price it used to be is not included in the thirty-six. + + *** + +A Servant Girls' Trade Union has been formed. So far there is no +suggestion of interfering with the mistresses' evening out. + + *** + +Mr. Punch has already called attention to the statement that is costs +the nation a guinea every time a question is asked in Parliament. The +only difference between Westminster and the haunts of the General +Practitioner is that in the latter case (1) you pay out of your own +pocket, and (2) your tongue is protruded instead of being kept in the +cheek. + + *** + +Burglars are very superstitious, says a press-gossip. For example +the appearance of a policeman while a burglar is drilling a safe is +considered distinctly unlucky. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NO, MADAM. _NINE GUINEAS_--NOT NINE-AND-NINEPENCE."] + + * * * * * + +"The pores of the ordinary individual," says a, weekly paper, "would +reach nearly forty miles if placed end to end." We hope that nothing +of the kind will be attempted, as the traffic difficulties are bad +enough already. + + *** + +A Thames bargee is reported to have sworn at a policeman for eleven +minutes without stopping. We understand that there is talk of having +the oration set to music. + + *** + +Considerable damage has been caused in the Isle of Wight by rats. A +description of the offenders has been furnished to the police. + + *** + +In order to cope with the traffic problem the L.G.O. Company have +placed one hundred additional omnibuses on the London streets. This +is such an admirable solution of a serious difficulty that people are +wondering what member of the Government first suggested it. + + *** + +Despite the fact that his wife has attempted to shoot him eleven times +a Detroit architect declares that he will never leave her. He appears +to be one of those men who can never take a hint. + + *** + +Mr. F.M.B. FISHER reports that in New Zealand some convicts recently +went on hunger-strike because a band played outside the prison. It +seems that their ground of complaint was that this was not included in +the sentence. + + *** + +A correspondent writing to _The Daily News_ points out that the reign +of Satan has been cut short by eighty thousand years, and that the end +of the world is at hand. Several people in search of flats are now +wondering whether it is worth while after all. + + *** + +Mr. SEAN T.O. KELLY, the Sinn Fein M.P., has handed M. CLEMENCEAU a +copy of the "Declaration of Independence of Ireland." Other means have +also been employed to entertain and amuse the distinguished invalid +during his enforced rest. + + *** + +We understand that a West-End lady has just been appointed mistress to +a young parlourmaid. + + *** + +We hear that the soldier who, after being demobilised, at once +returned to barracks in order to say a few suitable words to his late +sergeant-major, was put off on being told that he would have to take +his turn in the queue. + + * * * * * + +THE PRE-WAR HABIT. + + "Clerk (male) quick and accurate at figures; one used to wages + preferred."--_Daily Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "The engine, which is based on the principle of the turbine, is + designed to produce 30,000 revolutions a minute."--_Daily Paper_. + +Bolshevists please note. + + * * * * * + + "Commander Ramsay and the Princess themselves had a private survey + of their new possessions yesterday before the guests appeared, and + report has it warmly congratulated one another on the interest + and beauty of most of the things, and the unusual percentage of + unimaginative and ugly offerings." + + _Daily Sketch_. + +Although the statement is somewhat ambiguous, we feel sure that the +writer meant well. + + * * * * * + +THE TONIC OF MARCH. + +_(With acknowledgments to the author)._ + + Month of the Winds (especially the East) + That staunch the young year's floods by dyke and dam, + Who enter like a lion, that great beast, + And make your egress like a woolly lamb; + Who come, as Mars full-armed for battle's shocks, + From lethargy of Winter's sloth to wean us, + Then melt (about the vernal equinox), + As he did in the softer arms of Venus;-- + + O Month, before your final moon is set, + Much may have happened--anything, in fact; + More than in any March that I have met + (Last year excepted) fearful nerves are racked; + Anarchy does with Russia what it likes; + Paris is put conundrums very knotty; + And here in England, with its talk of strikes, + Men, like your own March hares, seem going dotty. + + Blow, then, with all your gales and clear our skies! + We did not win that War the other day + To please the Huns or gladden TROTSKY'S eyes + By fighting, kin with kin, this futile way; + Blow--not too hard, of course--I should not care + To inconvenience Mr. WILSON on his voyage-- + But just enough to clean the germy air + And usher in the universal Joy-Age. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +GOOD-BYE TO THE AUXILIARY PATROL. + +II.--THE SHIP'S COMPANY. + +Demobilisation in the Navy, whatever it may be in the Army, is a +simple affair. You are first sent for by the Master-at-Arms, who +glares, thrusts papers into your trembling hand and ejects you +violently in the direction of the Demobilising Office. Here they +regard you curiously, stifle a yawn, languidly inspect your papers and +send you to the Paymaster, who, after wandering disconsolately round +the Pay Office, exclaiming pathetically, "I say, hasn't _anyone_ seen +that Mixed Muster book? It must be _somewhere_, you know," returns you +without thanks to the D.O., where they tell you to call again in three +days' time. On returning you are provided with a P.I.O. and numerous +necessary papers, requested to sign a few dozen forms, overwhelmed +with an unexpected _largesse_ of pay and sent forth on that +twenty-eight days' leave from which no traveller returns. There's +nothing in it at all; the whole thing only lasts four days. They do it +by a system, I believe. + +As we assembled on board for the last time, awaiting our railway +warrants, there were some moving spectacles. The Mate and the +Second-Engineer were bidding each other affectionate and tearful +farewells behind the winch. "You won't quite forget me, Bill, will +yer?" I heard the Second exclaim brokenly, but the only reply was a +strangled sob. The Steward, seated on his kit-bag, was murmuring a +snatch of song that asserted the rather personal fact that "our gel's +a big plump lass." He is an oyster-dredger in civil life and is +eagerly looking forward to experiencing once more the delicate thrills +and excitement of this hazardous sport. Jones, our Signaller, who +recently wrote a poem which opened with the lines, + + "I for one will be surprised + When we are demobilised," + +was struggling painfully to insert a pair of boots into a recalcitrant +kit-bag, and exhibited an expression of dogged determination rather +than the astonishment he had predicted. The Trimmer was heard +complaining mournfully that when he left the Patrol Office for the +last time they never said good-bye. He seemed to feel this keenly. + +All of us were more or less excited, all as it were on tip-toe with +expectancy, like school-boys on breaking-up morning. All, did I say? +No, there was one member of the crew who sat supremely indifferent to +the prevailing atmosphere of emotion, gazing calmly before him with +his solitary lacklustre eye. The Silent Menace, the ship's dog, +betrayed none of our childlike sentiment. Demobilisation was nothing +to him--he was too old a campaigner to let a little matter like that +agitate his habitual reserve. To us the recent period of hostilities +had been "The War," the only war in which we had ever been privileged +to fight; but to him it was just one of the numberless affrays of an +adventurous life, and, judging by the worn condition of his ears and +the veteran scars that tattooed his tail, some of the previous ones +had had their share of frightfulness. And to-morrow, no doubt, he will +try the game again. + +It was the Third Hand who suddenly propounded the unsolvable question: +"Who's goin' to keep that there Menace?" + +There was an almost universal chorus of "Me!" I say "almost universal" +because Jones, who is R.N.V.R. and educated, probably said, "I," and +the Chief Engineer was lighting his pipe and merely succeeded in +blowing the match out. + +"You can't all have him," said the Third Hand, "so I think I'll take +him along with me. I knows a bit about dawgs." + +There was instant and clamant disapproval, each one of us urging an +unquestionable claim to the guardianship of the orphan Menace. The +Steward said he was the only one with the ghost of a right to the dog; +had it not always been the Menace's custom to help him wash up the +plates and dishes? A Deck Hand, however, protested that as he had +eaten one of his mittens the Silent Menace was already in part his +property. The Mate and the Second-Engineer nearly came to blows about +it. + +The question was still unsettled when the warrants arrived. As time +was short it was finally decided that whomsoever he should follow was +to be adjudged his future owner. We climbed ashore and spread out +fanwise, looking back and uttering those noises best calculated to +incline the unyielding heart of the Menace towards us. He himself rose +from the deck and strolled on to the wharf, where he stood coolly +regarding us. Without emotion his Cyclopean orb directed its gaze +from one to another till, midway between the Third Hand and +the Second-Engineer, it was observed to irradiate a sudden and +unaccustomed luminosity. + +"Come along then, Menace," wheedled the Second. + +"Yoicks, old dawg!" exclaimed the Third Hand, patting his knee +encouragingly. + +But they had misinterpreted their Menace, for in the middle distance, +on a pile of timber directly behind the expectant twain, had appeared +the sleek person of a sandy cat which proved to be the attraction. For +an instant the Menace stood motionless, his spine bristling and his +tail growing stiff; then with a short sharp bark he sprang forward +like an arrow from a bow in the direction of the feline objective. We +saw a streak of yellow as she fled for safety and life; a cloud of +dust, and the Menace and his quarry disappeared from view. Faintly +from afar floated an eager yelp, telling that the chase was still in +full cry. + +"Well, sink me," said the Second-Engineer, "that settles it." + +There were trains to be caught, and so, slowly and sadly, we turned +away. + +Thus did the Silent Menace, with the rest of his shipmates, bid +good-bye to the Auxiliary Patrol. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HOME FROM HOME. + +PRESIDENT WILSON (_quitting America in his Fourteen-League-of-Nations +Boots_). "IT'S TIME I WAS GETTING BACK TO A HEMISPHERE WHERE I REALLY +_AM_ APPRECIATED."] + + * * * * * + +THE ROAD TO THE RHINE. + +A LITTLE LOOT. + +It was at the time when men still imagined that to be a pivotal man in +some way enhanced their chances of being demobilised that an abnormal +wave of acquisitiveness passed over us. Before it passed, I regret +to say, it _hovered_, chiefly on account of the prospect of a speedy +return home and the desire to take back some kind of trophy to satisfy +the still small voice of inquiry concerning papa and the Great War. + +The very first day after we had arrived in the most unimportant +village imaginable (our usual luck), Roley, the fattest subaltern +on record, lurched into the room and told us of the discovery of a +wonderful trainload of abandoned Bosch material, Being a Regular +soldier, acquisitiveness runs through his whole being, of course, and +he gave us a most glowing account of the wonders to be found. "Full +of things," he cried, "coal, Bosch beds, field-guns and +souvenirs--hundreds of 'em." + +I know no rabbit that could have pricked up his ears quicker than did +the pivotal men at the sound of that magic word. "Hail, Roley!" we +cried; "we who are about to be demobilised salute you!" + +That evening a select conclave of super-scroungers met with great +solemnity. Beds for the men and coal for all--certainly, and _then_ we +would start collecting. By the morrow each man slept in luxury, while +subalterns from other companies came in to warm themselves by our +roaring fires. Not till then did we feel justified in turning our +thoughts to the furnishing of the baronial hall at home. + +Some day, we pivotal men are still ready to believe, when +demobilisation is nearly complete we shall return to our bowler hats +and civic respectability, but meantime, let me tell you, respectable +elderly subalterns _enjoy_ things like clambering over a forbidden +Bosch train in search of loot. When we had climbed to the end of the +trucks and were thoroughly dirty, we found we had done very badly. +The souvenirs were there all right, but no matter how interesting and +desirable it may be, you simply cannot pack up a field-gun and send it +home--the tail part does stick out so. + +Chardenal and I had picked up the best thing we could find, brass +cartridge cases (about three feet high) of a 5.9 gun, and some shorter +eight-inch affairs. It was hard work. I carried four of the former and +Chardenal carried two of each, and we looked as if we had come to mend +a main drain. Not having been in the Army long enough to have lost all +sense of shame, Chardenal began by trying to hide his cases under his +British warm. His biggest effort at concealment was made when passing +the sentry of the Brigade Headquarters' guard, and the noise he made +doing it brought the whole guard out. However, being sentries, they +took very little notice of what we did, except that the N.C.O. in +charge certainly did pick up one of the dropped cases and hand it to +Chardenal. This was after I had tried to help him and we had dropped +the whole lot. + +After this Chardenal gave up all idea of concealment and tried to +express by his carriage that he accepted no responsibility whatever +for the souvenirs. He didn't want the things, not he! They were +_there_, certainly, and--well, yes, he was carrying them, but _why_ +he was carrying them (here he would have shrugged his shoulders if +he could) he really couldn't tell you; it was a matter of absolute +indifference to him, anyway. Histrionically I have no doubt it was a +great piece of work, but the only possible inference anybody could +have drawn was that he might have been carrying them to oblige +me--which I resented. + +Heavens, how our arms ached, for it was over two miles to the billet! +A collision of milk-trains could hardly have made more noise than we +did as we clashed and clanged down the main street. Of course we met +everybody we knew. People we hadn't seen for years, people we didn't +like, people who didn't like us--all seemed to have been paraded +especially for the occasion. + +We got home in the end, and it was a great triumph. The only +unenthusiastic person was Mr. Brown, my batman, who surveyed the +things in silence, betokening that he knew quite well he would be +called upon to sew them up in sacking and label them "Officer's Spare +Kit, c/o Cox and Co." Then he looked sadly at my soiled tunic and my +British warm and asked if I had carried them far. + +"Over two miles," I replied proudly. "Pity," he said; "there's a whole +dump of them at the bottom of the garden here." + +There the matter might have ended if the fat Roley had not lurched +up again the next day with a steel box containing a dial-sight off +a field-gun. The dial-sight was a complicated affair of prisms and +lenses which probably cost the Bosch about sixty pounds, and we felt a +little sick at having overlooked such a find. + +"Awful job I had too," he went on. "Some fellows were seen yesterday +taking stuff away and they've put a sentry on the train." + +"Serve them right," we said. + +Next day we returned to the trucks to try again. The sentry was +engaged in a little conversation, and whilst Chardenal took his +photograph (ostensibly for _The Daily Snap_ as "Sentry Guarding a +Train") I slipped behind the trucks, opened a couple of lids in the +tails of some field-guns, picked out two cases of sights and hurried +off. Chardenal joined me later and, concealing our swag under our +British warms, we walked as quickly as we could until the Brigadier +stopped and had a little chat with us about things in general. And +there we had to stand for a quarter of an hour on a freezing afternoon +with two fingers holding the box and the other fingers holding the +coat down to effect better concealment. Chardenal was in so much pain +and wore such an expression of agonized innocence that the Brigadier +wanted him to come into headquarters until he felt better. + +"Well, what have you got?" asked Carfax, another candidate for +demobilisation, when we finally got back and showed him the cases. + +"Only two?" he cried, "and you promised _me_ one!" We said things. + +"What lenses are they?" he asked. + +"I don't know," said Chardenal, "but, whatever's the heaviest kind, +that's the kind we've brought." + +And we opened the boxes and they were empty. + +The baronial hall will remain unfurnished. I'm fed up with the whole +business. + +L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_to land-girl, who has been sent to feed the +pigs_). "WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE SWILL BACK?" + +_Land Girl_. "WELL, THEY WERE ASLEEP AND LOOKED SO COMFY--I SIMPLY +HADN'T THE HEART TO DISTURB THEM."] + + * * * * * + +THE LANGUAGE TEST FOR V.A.D.'S. + +From an Official Form of Application for stripes:-- + + "I certify that these Members have diligently attended their + duties at the Hospital, are always neat in appearance, punctual in + their habits and proficient in their cursing. I recommend they be + allowed to enter for the Blue Stripe Examination." + + * * * * * + +From the announcement of a musical service:-- + + "Soprano Solo, 'With Verger clad'. (_Creation_), Miss Dorothy + ----,"--_Canadian Paper_. + +Quite a new "creation." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CASTING PEARLS. + +_Philistine_ (_who has been dragged by wife to Jazz tea-shop_). "WHAT +IS IT THEY'BE TRYING TO PLAY, DEAR?" + +_Modern Wife_. "OH, YOU WOULDN'T BE ANY THE WISER.--NOTHING OUT OF +'THE BOHEMIAN GIRL.'"] + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSE HISTRIONIC. + +The enterprise of Mr. C.B. COCHRAN, who announces that the oak-parlour +used in his play at the St. Martin's Theatre will be sold by auction +at the conclusion of the run, has not unnaturally provoked a certain +liveliness in architectural circles. Should advertisements of houses +for sale ever reappear in the newspapers, it is thought likely that +they may include something like this:-- + +Desirable Family Mansion of unique interest, suit dramatist seeking +congenial associations. Exceptionally fine dining-hall, as used in +the supper scene in _Macbeth_, and equipped with convenient _Banquo_ +sliding-panel to kitchen. The latter apartment deserves the epithet +Baronial, being transported direct from the successful pantomime, +_Puss-in-Boots_, and capable of accommodating a ballet of two hundred +cooks. The elegantly proportioned drawing-room (to which a fourth wall +has been since added) was the subject of special mention in several +leading newspapers after the production of _Epigrams_ at the Niobe +Theatre; while each of the twelve bedrooms represents some recent +triumph in the Problematical Drama. An attractive feature is the +fitting of an artificial sunlight attachment to the outside of each +window; while every room is provided with one or more telephones. + +Snug Bachelor Flat, direct from the phenomenally successful farce, +_Peers and Pyjamas_, at the Plenipotentiaries Theatre. The fine +central living-room contains sixteen doors, opening into bedrooms, +kitchen, coal-cellar, etc. May be as conveniently entered by the +window as by the doors. All the latter work upon the well-known +dramatic hinge, by which as soon as one shuts another opens. Unlimited +facilities for hide-and-seek. Exceptional opportunity for active +tenant. + + * * * * * + +From _The Mistress of Court Regina_, by Mr. CHARLES GARVICE:-- + + "He kissed her, taking his cigarette out of his mouth to do so." + +This courteous consideration is invariably shown in the best circles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Geordie_. "WELL, AH'M BLOWED! THEY'M NAMED YON PLAACE +AFTER T'OWD DOOG-OUT ON T' SOMME!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SUBALTERNS' PARADISE. + +I met Bilsden and congratulated him on being in "civvies." + +"What are you going to do now?" I asked. "Back to the old firm?" + +"No," said Bilsden gravely; "when a man has acquired the power of +leading men he's thrown away in an accountant's office, especially as +the junior member of the staff. I see no prospect in England. I have +offered to take charge of large departments of English firms, and be +responsible for entire supervision, but they fail to recognise what +the capacity for leadership gained in the army will do. I'm off to +Ceylon--tea-planting. Just to control big gangs of coolies and see +that they work. It will be child's play for me. Lovely climate; +elephants. An absolutely ideal job." + +It seemed to me on that foggy frosty day, that to lie in a hammock in +the shade, with the temperature about ninety, watching coolies work, +would be the perfect form of labour. + +I congratulated Bilsden on having found his _metier_. + +Half-an-hour later I met Parkinson, another second-loot who had just +shed his pip. + +"Well, what are you going to do now?" I asked. + +"I'm a bit dubious," he said. + +"Try tea-planting in Ceylon," I suggested. "Elephants, spicy breezes, +swing in a hammock all day watching coolies. My dear boy, were I +twenty years younger I should be inquiring about a berth on the next +steamer." + +"Ah," said Parkinson, "of course Ceylon's all right, and I've a lot +of pals going out there; but what about rubber-planting in the Malay +Peninsula? They've got tigers there. That's rather a pull." + +I admitted the attraction of tigers to certain tastes, but not to +mine. In my case the pull, I thought, might be on the tiger's side. + +Since these interviews I have been going the rounds of my military +acquaintances and I find a general feeling in favour of Ceylon or the +Malay Peninsula. + +Of course it's an excellent thing that they should take up the white +man's burden and make the coolies work, only I'm in dread lest the +overcrowding we suffer from in England may be extended to the Orient. +Will there be enough plantations, coolies and big game to go round +amongst our subalterns? + +I can see the Government introducing several Bills-- + +(1) For the extension of the Isle of Ceylon; + +(2) For the lengthening of the Malay Peninsula; + +(3) For the importation of five million coolies, estimated at the +rate of five hundred coolies each, to give employment to ten thousand +second-loots; + +(4) For the importation of elephants, tigers, lions, buffalo, +hippopotami, giraffes and capercailzie. + + * * * * * + +AT PRINTING-HOUSE SQUARE. + + [Mr. GEOFFREY DAWSON has resigned the Editorship of _The Times_, + owing to a disagreement with Lord NORTHCLIFFE over matters of + policy, and has been succeeded by Mr. H. WICKHAM STEED, formerly + foreign editor.] + + "Once more upon the waters! Yet once more! + And the waves bound beneath me as a Steed + That knows his master." + +_Byron_, "_Childe Harold's Pilgrimage_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Inspecting Officer_. "WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT NUT +ON THIS LORRY?" + +_Driver_ (_ex-infantry_). "I AM, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +A CAREER. + +(_The Right Man in the Right Place_.) + + You should see our son James! + You should just see our James! + As bright as a button, as sharp as a knife! + My wife says to me and I say to my wife, + "You'll never have seen such a son in your life + As our jammy son, James." + + He is now three years old; + He's a good three years old; + When the fellow was two you could see by his brow + (At the age of a year, you could guess by the row) + That this was a coming celebrity. Now + He's a stout three-year-old. + + Question: What shall he be? + Tell us, what shall he be? + Shall he follow his father and go to the Bar, + Where, passing his father, he's bound to go far? + "But one knows," says his mother,"what barristers are. + Something else he must be!" + + Do you fancy a Haig? + Shall our James be a Haig? + The War Office tell me he's late for this war, + Have the honour to add there won't be any more + Since that's what the League of the Nations is for; + So it's off about Haig. + + But his mother sees light + (Mothers always see light). + "This League of the Nations we mentioned above, + With the motto, 'Be Quiet,' the trade-mark, a Dove, + Will be wanting a President, won't it, my love?" + Jimmy's mother sees light. + + Yes, that could be arranged; + Nay, it must be arranged. + In the matter of years Master Jimmy would meet + Presidential requirements. What age can compete, + In avoiding the gawdy, achieving the neat, + With forty to fifty? Thus, forty-five be't. + Given forty-two years, he'll be finding his feet + And the Treaty of Peace should be getting complete.... + And so that's all arranged. + +HENRY. + + * * * * * + + "I am sorry to have to say that this statement is a ------, and if + any of my readers have any doubt as to whether I used that strong + term without just reason, I invite them to communicate with the + Ministry of Shipping on the subject."--_Letter in "The Observer."_ + +We respect our contemporary's discretion, but we _should_ like to know +what was the "strong term". + + * * * * * + + "The Literary Class has grown beyond all expectations, the numbers + attending the last few meetings averaging nearly 100. Papers have + been read and discussed on Dickens' Works, _Tess, Tale of Two + Cities_." + + _The Highway_. + +Flushed with success, the Literary Class is expected next to tackle +HARDY; _Jude the Obscure_ and _The Mystery of Edwin Drood_ being the +first objectives. + + * * * * * + +_NOUVELLES DE PARIS._ + + _Paris, March 3rd, 1919._ + + DEAREST POPPY,--You know, don't you, that I write for the + Press? You _must_ write, _ma chere_, if you want to be _dans le + mouvement_ nowadays. It's getting to be almost as big a craze as + jazzing and is quite as exciting. It has its difficulties, of + course, but so has the jazz roll. And if you've got a title or + have been mixed up in a _cause celebre_ you can write on anything + _sans aucune connaissance speciale_. Camilla Blythely says she + just sends in her photo and signature and those obliging newspaper + people do the rest--which is most helpful to a busy person. But + then we can't all be as notorious as dear Camilla. + + I hope it isn't getting just a little overdone. But I hear that + lots of papers are offering only three guineas a column now for + quite important signatures, while others actually insist on + contributors writing their own articles. + + _Quant a moi_, I'm writing up the light side of the Peace + Conference. I do those snappy pars about LLOYD GEORGE'S ties and + CLEMENCEAU'S gloves and all those little domestic touches that + people would much rather read about than such remote things as + Czecho-Slovaks and Jugo-Slavs. I did a most _thrilling_ three + columns about the hats of the delegates, from the bowler of Mr. + BONAR LAW to the "coffieh" and "igal" headdress of EMIR FAISUL, + the Arab Prince. (It's always so effective if you can stick in a + word or two like that that nobody understands. You never need get + them right). + + Talking of odd words, the latest _boutade_ over here is to find + new names and epithets for our dress materials--some of them quite + weird. If you want a silk _tricot_ you ask for "_djersador_," + while a coarser texture is "_djersacier_"; "_mousseux_" now + describes velvet as well as champagne; _ninon_ is known as + "_vapoureuse"_; while to make one of the newest Spring dresses you + require only three-and-a-half yards of "_Salome_." Some of the + _couturiers_ in the Rue de la Paix are issuing fashion-pronouncing + handbooks, while others have their own interpreters to assist + customers. + + The theatres over here are getting extremely--well, what our + grandparents termed "_risques_," but it really goes further than + that. And the worst of it is my countrypeople seem to think + it's the smart thing to go to them, which they do most + indiscriminately. _Heureusement_ they don't understand the stuff. + Whenever I see a most circumspect and highly proper British matron + entering one of the Boulevard theatres nowadays I think what + a mercy it is that we as a nation rely so much on pronouncing + phrase-books for acquiring foreign languages. It keeps one so + single-minded in the midst of a wicked world. + + But, after all, propriety is a _question de localite_. Else why + do people do things here which would badly shock us at home? _Par + exemple_, dancing between the courses of a meal is our latest + _caprice_ here; but I was _un peu etonnee_, the other evening, to + see the Duchess of Mintford, at a restaurant of the most _chic_, + jazzing off the effects of the turbot with light-hearted + _abandon_. + + Unfortunately a waiter carrying a tray darted across the track + at the very moment when she was involved in that step so + _embrouillant_, the side-roll. + + It took quite a long time to collect, and put in their proper + order, the waiter, the contents of the tray, her Grace and all the + other jazzers who were coming up behind. + + But, _apres tout_, little comment was roused because most of the + onlookers thought the incident was just part of the dance. + + So long, old thing. + + _Bien a vous_, + + ANNE. + + * * * * * + +THE TRUMP SUIT. + + Those who wield Britannia's power + Have decreed a blissful hour, + When the mellow bugle-note + Sounds in every ship afloat, + And you see the forrard decks + Littered up with leathernecks, + Seamen sprawling on the hatches, + Darning socks and fitting patches, + Cleaning jumpers, sewing, smoking, + Writing, fighting, sleeping, joking, + Baiting foe and twitting friend-- + Sailors call it "Make and Mend." + + In this jolly throng each day + Gunner 'Erbert, R.M.A., + Sat and smoked serenely bored, + So that I must needs record + When that precious hour was ended + He had neither made nor mended. + + 'Erbert was a crumpled rose + In the beds of N.C.O.'s, + And a blot on the escutcheon + Which they pride themselves so much on; + For, in spite of threat and curse, + Cells and badges lost, or worse, + Captain's frown or sergeants' oaths, + 'Erbert _wouldn't_ mend his clothes. + + In a distant Eastern land + Certain tribes got out of hand, + And, to comfort little Mary, + Sought to stew the missionary. + Our Marines were duly sent + To apportion chastisement, + And they snatched him from the larder, + But alas! pursuing harder + Than was wise in such a scrap, + They were landed in a trap. + For the wily natives got + All around and copped the lot, + Stripping off them every stitch + Of the clothes they stood in, which, + I am sure you'll all agree, + Was a great indignity. + + Copped the lot? No, there was one + Absent when the deed was done. + 'Erb, with his accustomed push, + Was advancing when the bush + Dragged the last remaining stitches + From the bag he called his breeches, + Leaving nothing but the dregs + Of the red stripe down his legs. + 'Erbert paused; though not a prude, + He had never liked the nude. + + Seated in a distant clearing. + He remarked the natives cheering, + And, directed by the din, + Saw the plight his mates were in. + When he thought the time was ripe, + Clad in little but his stripe + 'Erbert charged.... The tribes in wonder + Promptly bolted with the plunder. + + 'Erbert with averted head + Quickly gathered every shred + Of his late-lamented kit, + Saying, as he handed it + To the Major, "I infer + You have lost your breeches, Sir." + + With his glasses in his hands + On his deck the Captain stands, + Watching with surprise and fear + His detachment reappear-- + First the Major, garbed in dirt + And the tail of 'Erbert's shirt; + Then the Sergeant, better dressed + In the sleeves of 'Erbert's vest; + Then the rest in fragments torn + From the jumper he had worn. + Last comes 'Erbert, proud as NELSON, + With a smile and nothing else on. + + Is it Fortune's final stroke, + Or the Skipper's little joke? + As the ladder they ascend + Comes the bugle "Make and Mend." + + * * * * * + + "A flotilla of Portuguese warships is actively maintaining the + blockade between the mouth of the Volga and that of the Minho." + + _Daily Paper_. + +The report that the Bolshevists have borrowed a "Big Bertha" and +are meditating a bombardment of Lisbon by way of reprisal is as yet +unconfirmed. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. W.A. Appleton, secretary of the Feedration of Trade Unions, + declares that since the Armistice the federation 'has lost no + opportunity of endeavouring to smash the controls that meant + continued high prices (of food)."--_Evening Paper_. + +More power to the "Feedration" in its self-sacrificing campaign. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GUEST WHO BROUGHT A BANJO.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THERE'S A BIT OF A FINANCIAL CRISIS ON AT THE PRESENT +MOMENT. I BLEW INTO COX'S ON THE WAY HERE, ON THE OFF CHANCE, +BUT--NOTHING DOING!" + +"I S'POSE YOUR OVERDRAFT BLEW YOU OUT AGAIN--WHAT?"] + + * * * * * + +THE RIGHTS OF LABOUR. + +_(Extract from "The Times and Mail" of January 1st, 1925.)_ + +A significant case was heard yesterday in the courts, when William +Blogg, bricklayer's labourer, recovered twenty-five pounds damages +from James Buskin Carruthers, artist, for injury done to the +plaintiff's eight-cylinder car through defendant's culpable negligence +in allowing himself to be run over by it. + +Plaintiff urged that he was a labouring-man, who worked eight hours a +day. The court was at once adjourned, while restoratives were applied +to the Bench. + +On the resumption of the proceedings it was explained that since the +passing of the Two Hours Maximum Day Bill the supply of labour had +been inadequate to meet the demands made upon it, and plaintiff had +patriotically filled four posts, at the minimum rate of fifteen +shillings an hour. It was while he was hurrying from one sphere of +activity to another that the collision occurred, resulting in injury +to the plaintiff's mud-guard and loss of valuable time. + +Defendant, who admitted negligence, pleaded poverty and threw himself +upon the mercy of the Court. + +The Bench, in summing up, called the jury's attention to the fact that +defendant was not a labourer, but only a professional man; at the same +time he reminded them of the impartiality of British justice, which +did not admit that there was one law for the rich and another for +the poor. Even the wealthiest labouring-man must be protected in the +exercise of his inalienable right to work. + +The accompanying photograph shows the plaintiff in the act of +assisting to build a wall.; He is a self-made man, having started +life as a solicitor and by sheer perseverance raised himself to the +lucrative and responsible' position of an unskilled bricklayer's +labourer. + + * * * * * + +TO M. GEORGES CLEMENCEAU. + + Strong son of France, whose words were ever lit + By lightning flashes of ironic wit; + More fond of power than of pelf or place, + Eternal foeman of the mean and base, + And always ready in a righteous cause + To suffer odium and contemn applause-- + Men call you still the "tiger," but the name + Has long outworn the faintest hint of blame, + Since in your country's direst hour of need + You have revealed your true heroic breed; + A tiger--yes, to enemies and Huns, + But trusted, idolised, by France's sons. + So when of late a traitor's felon blow + Was like to lay you, old and ailing, low, + And France was sorely stricken in her Chief, + The wide world shared her anguish--and relief; + For the assassin, resolute to kill, + Was foiled by your indomitable will. + Immortal France! she cannot spare you yet, + Till you have paid in full your filial debt, + And by the great Redemption and Release + Stamped Victory with the final seal of Peace. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CINDERELLA. + +(No representative of the General Public seems to have been invited to +sit on the Coal Industry Commission.)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, February 24th._--The mantle of the lamented Mr. JOSEPH KING, +whose taste in _proteges_ was so remarkable, seems to have descended +upon Colonel WEDGWOOD. His request for the return to this country of +LAJPAT RAI, "the Indian patriot," aroused a storm of objection from +other hon. Members, who considered the description inapplicable to +a person deported for sedition. But it was quickly quelled by the +SPEAKER with the unanswerable assertion that "everybody calls himself +a patriot in these days." + +Mr. RAPER sought an assurance that no "wrack"--which appears to be a +term of art in the timber trade--should be used in the houses to be +erected under the Government's new housing scheme. If these were not +to be "the unsubstantial fabric of a vision," he implied, the official +builders had better leave the wrack behind. + +Something is at last to be done to reduce the growing plague of +Questions. Hitherto each Member has been entitled to put down eight +Questions for oral reply on any one day. But in future no one is to be +permitted to "star" more than four Questions _per diem_. Even that is +regarded by some Members as an extravagant allowance. Major HENNESSY, +I understand, thinks "three stars" enough for any man. + +"The Government is not a trustee for one class, but for all," was +the leading theme of the PRIME MINISTER'S firm and tactful speech +in introducing the Coal Industry Commission Bill. He was studiously +conciliatory to the miners, but made it plain that they could not be +allowed to put a pistol at the head of the general community. + +The miners appear, however, to be in the mood of the little girl who +said, "I don't want to go to bed; I want to be _in_ bed." The gist of +eloquent speeches delivered on their behalf by Mr. HARTSHORN and Mr. +RICHARDS was that the Government already possessed all the relevant +facts, and should give the desired relief at once. But they mustered +only 43 in the Division Lobby against 257 for the Second Reading. + +_Tuesday, February 25th._--Their Lordships resumed their debate on +Industrial Unrest. Lord RUSSELL attributed it mainly to ignorance--on +the part of the capitalists and the newspapers, who, with few +exceptions, never gave fair play to Labour. He was supported to some +extent by His Grace of YORK, who declared that, after a perusal of the +Labour Press and the non-Labour Press, he could hardly believe they +were dealing with the same subject. + +[Illustration: PERSUASIVE PURRING. MR. BRACE.] + +Up to almost the eleventh hour the Committee stage of the Coal +Commission Bill in the Commons was not encouraging. The Labour +representatives moved amendment after amendment, designed either to +wreck the measure or to make the Commission a mere registration-office +to approve their own cut-and-dried plans. + +Mr. RICHARDS moved to omit wages and hours from its purview, but the +House, brought up in the belief that _Hamlet_ without the _Prince of +Denmark_ is but a poor play, voted him down by 270 to 40. + +[Illustration: MR. JOYNSON HICKS'S FAIR WARNING TO SIR ERIC GEDDES.] + +Then came another question-begging amendment from Mr. ADAMSON, +suggesting that the Commission's inquiries into the possibilities of +reorganising the mines should be limited to the single question of +"nationalization"--the "blessed word" of Labour just now. This was +supported in a capital maiden speech by Mr. SPOOR, an ex-pitman, whose +father and son are both in the mines, and by Mr. CLYNES, who rather +unreasonably complained that the HOME SECRETARY made SHORTT speeches; +but it shared the same fate. + +Not till the Bill was nearly through Committee was there any sign of +_rapprochement_. Then, in response to the persuasive purring of Mr. +BRACE, who had urged that the Commission should issue an interim +report on wages and hours by March 12th, the PRIME MINISTER declared +that, after consultation with Mr. Justice SANKEY, he was prepared +to promise that the report should be ready on March 20th. A smile, +extending almost to the extreme limits of his moustache, spread over +Mr. BRACE'S benevolent countenance. Thenceforward all was peace, and +the Third Reading was carried without a division. + +_Wednesday, February 26th._--The Lords passed the Coal Industry +Commission Bill through all its stages without a pause. Then Lord +DEVONPORT expatiated on the mistakes of the Food Controllers with such +a wealth of illustration that the LORD CHANCELLOR, who is fond of +Classical "tags," was heard to murmur, _"Omnium consensu capax imperil +nisi imperasset."_ + +A Second Reading was given to the Re-election of Ministers Bill, on +the plea of the LORD CHANCELLOR that until it is passed several of his +Ministerial colleagues will be _nantes in gurgite vasto_--or, in other +words, all at sea. + +Rumours that a new Department of Public Information was to be set up +excited much curiosity in the Commons, but only negative replies were +received. The Department, if, and when, it comes into existence, is +not to advertise the virtues of the Coalition, nor is it to publish a +newspaper of its own; though, to judge by the leaflets, circulars and +_communiques_ issued by the existing Ministries in the course of the +week, such an organ would certainly not perish for lack of copy. + +The so-called Ten Minutes' Rule was originally intended for the +introduction of comparatively unimportant Bills. This after-noon Mr. +SHORTT employed it for the purpose of explaining the provisions of +one of the most revolutionary and comprehensive measures ever brought +forward in any country. Briefly it is to put under the control of a +single Minister of Ways and Communications our railways, our canals, +our roads, and also our supply of electricity, hitherto in the hands +of hundreds of public companies and local authorities. Only on one +point did the Bill meet with opposition. I do not know whether Mr. +JOYNSON HICKS claims any connection with Hicks's Hall, which stands in +the old road-books as the starting-point of the great highway to +the North, but he became almost lyrical in his denunciation of the +proposal to put all the roads in the country in charge of a railwayman +like Sir ERIC GEDDES. They ought, in his opinion, to be under the +care of someone "born on roads" and "trained on roads"--a sort of +super-tramp, I suppose. + +_Thursday, February 27th._--To an appeal for an increase in the +pensions of Crimea and Mutiny veterans, to meet the rise in the cost +of living, response was made that such an increase would be granted +in the case of those not over seventy years of age. It is not +thought that the concession will cause a heavy drain on the national +resources, few of the veterans having joined up before entering their +'teens. + +As a retort, "Yah! German!" is, I am told, already considered _vieux +jeu_ by the wits of the pavement. But Ulstermen and Nationalists still +think it effective to twit one another with having been supplied +with rifles from the arsenals of the Bosch. They bandied charges and +contradictions so vigorously this afternoon that the SPEAKER had to +intervene to put an end to these "nonsensical bickerings." + +The SECRETARY OP THE TREASURY scouted the suggestion that County +cricket-matches should be exempted from the entertainment tax. It +is believed that his answer was based solely upon financial +considerations, and that he must not be held to have expressed the +opinion that first-class cricket, as played by certain counties, _is_, +in point of fact, entertaining. + + * * * * * + + "German residents in South-west Africa have forwarded the + Administrator a petition for transmission to President Wilson, + claiming permission to erect a republic union with the Republic + of Germany. The petitioners claim that they not only represent a + majority of the white inhabitants, but interpret the views of + the wishes of the majority of the majority of the ahmbahmbahmbah + natives." + + _New Zealand Paper_. + +We should like to know more of this remarkable tribe, which, +_inter alia_, seems to have evolved a new method of proportional +representation. + + * * * * * + +THE RED WINE OF THE COUNTRY. + +"Did I iver tell ye," asked ex-Sergeant O'Reilly, filling his pipe +from my tobacco-jar, "about the red wine?" + +"I remember a story about sparkling Burgundy," I said. + +"Och, that wouldn't be it at all. 'Twas another time altogither." + +"Well," I said, "tell me about the red wine." + +"'Twas this way." O'Reilly leant back in his chair, covered his maimed +hand with a pocket-handkerchief--a curious way he had--and looked +at me with that expression of openness and simplicity which demands +confidence. "We was 'way back o' the line at the time, at a place +where ye'd expect to get a taste o' rest; but what wid fancy attacks +an' 'special coorses' (thim 's the divil an' all!) there wasn't enough +rest for an honest man to get into mischief. Well, there was to be a +grand inshpection by a tremenjus brass-hat, one o' thim soort all over +ribbons that rides wid a shtiff back. 'Twas the mornin' before the +great day whin the O.C. comes to me all of a flutter, an' says he, +'Sergint, ye've a chanct now to do me a good turn.' + +"'I'll do it, Sorr,' says I, 'if it costs me my shtripes.' + +"'The fact is,' says he, 'we've run out o' claret, an' there's no +dacent shtuff to be had for twinty miles round; annyway, that's what +I'm tould. Now the Gin'ral has a great fancy for red wine.' + +"''Tis a sad business,' says I. + +"'I've heard it whispered,' says the poor man, an' he wid the D.S.O. +an' all, 'that where there's a good dhrop o' dhrink you're the man +to find it. An',' says he, 'there's no discredit to ye in that, +O'Reilly.' + +"'Indeed no, Sorr,' says I; ''tis a gift.' + +"'Well,' says he, 'would ye use that same gift of yours for the honour +o' the Rig'mint?'" + +O'Reilly felt in his pocket for a tobacco-stopper, attended carefully +to his pipe and again fixed me with his candid gaze. + +"'There's a bit of a place 'way back,' says I, 'where I've a fancy I +might find somethin'.' + +"Wid that he shtuck a bunch o' notes in me hand. 'Don't shpare the +cost,' says he, 'but get it. 'Tis up to you, Sergint, to save a +disp'rit situation.'" + +"It was a terrible responsibility," I said. + +"Ye may say that. Whin I was alone wid thim notes bulgin' in me tunic, +I'd a notion I might let down the Rig'mint afther all, an' that would +have bruk me heart. But off I wint to see Achille. 'Twas four miles to +the village, an' I wint on my blessed feet, an' by the time I got +to the place I was as nervous as a mouse in a thrap. Achille's shop +wasn't a cafe or an estaminet or a buvette or anny o' thim places. He +had a bit of a brass plate on his door wid 'Marchand de Vins' on it. +I knew him by raison of a fancy that took me wan day for a dhrop o' +brandy. So I wint in through Achille's door wid thim notes as hot in +me pocket as Patsy Donelly's pipe. + +"Achille hopped out o' the little room at the hack same's a bird out +of a cage. 'Ah,' says he, 'that was good cognac, eh? You shall have +more, me son.' + +"'Achille,' says I, ''tis a shtrange thing, but there's niver a +thought o' cognac in me mind at all. 'Tis red wine, the best, that I'm +afther.' + +"'Red wine!' says he. 'I haven't a litre o' red wine in the cellars.' + +"'Holy Powers!' says I, 'an' you wid "Marchand de Vins" on yer door.' +The shock of it took the breath out o' me entirely. So I sat up on the +counter to think. + +"''Tis a matther,' says I, 'that concerns the Rig'mint, a rig'mint +that was niver bate yet.' An' I explained about the Gin'ral an' what +the O.C. tould me. An' thin I tuk the notes from me pocket an' put +thim on the counther undher his eyes. + +"'Ach,' says he, ''tisn't money I want from ye, but to hilp a frind.' +Then he folded his arms an' his forehead wint up into a puzzle o' +wrinkles. + +"'An' why wouldn't white wine do?' says he. + +"'Is it offer white wine to a Gin'ral an' him wid a taste for red?' +says I. 'It might rouse him terrible. Now, Achille,' says I, 'would +there be no way of makin' the white red?'" + +O'Reilly put a persuasiveness into the last words that revealed +Achille to me as an honest merchant confronted with the most subtle of +temptations. + +"O'Reilly," I said, "was that fair?" + +"Maybe not, but I'd the Gin'ral an' the honour o' the Rig'mint fixed +in me mind. 'That's a good joke, very good,' says Achille; but thore +was niver a smile on his face. + +"'I 'd no intintion to make anny joke,' says I. 'Come, Achille, you're +a knowin' man. Would there be no way at all?' + +"Now it happened that he'd lift the door o' the little room open, an' +I could see a bit o' a garden through the window. 'What's the shtuff +growin' out there,' says I, 'wid the dark red leaves to it, or maybe +ye'd call thim purple?' + +"'That's beet,' says he with a kind of a groan. + +"'Beet,' says I. 'An' isn't beet a red kind of a thing an' mighty full +o' juice?' + +"'It is that,' says he, wid the eyes of him almost out o' his head. + +"'Then how would it be,' says I, 'to touch up the white wine wid some +o' that same juice?' + +"'The thought was in me mind, God help me,' says he, an' wid that he +sat up on the counther forninst me, an' we shtared into the garden +like two men in a play. + +"'Would it make the wine cloudy?' says I. + +"'I could filter it so's it'd come as clear as sunshine,' says he. + +"'An' how would it be for taste?' says I. + +"Achille put a hand on me arm an' I could feel him shakin' like a man +wid the ague. + +"'Heaven forgive me,' says he, 'but ye might say it was the wine o' +the counthry, an' that taste was the mark of it.' 'Tis my belief he +was near cryin', for he was an honest man, an' 'twas for me he was +lowerin' himself to deceit." + +"You were a nice pair," I said. + +"'Twas a beautiful schame," O'Reilly went on. "I was niver concerned +in a betther." + +"Did it come off?" I asked. + +"To a turn," said O'Reilly. "We was docthorin' that blissed wine for +the best part o' the day, an' I tuk back a dozen bottles to camp. The +O.C. was hangin' round, as anxious as a dog for his master. + +"'Have ye the wine, O'Reilly?' says he. + +"'I have, sorr,' says I; 'but I'd be glad if ye'd ask me no questions +about it.' + +"'Not for the world,' says he, givin' me a queer look, an' was off +like a mountain hare." + +"Did the General recover?" I asked. + +"That wine made a new man of him. He praised the Rig'mint up to the +heighths. We was the pink o' the Army, bedad! The throuble was he +wanted to know where he'd get more o' that same wine. + +"'There's no more to be had,' says I to the O.C., for I was done wid +the job. + +"'He says it has a powerful bouquet,' says the O.C. + +"'That may be,' says I, 'but he'll niver taste the like of it agin. +'Twas an ould wine o' the counthry, an' there's niver been the match +of it before or since.' + +"'Couldn't it be managed annyhow?' says the O.C. + +"'Not for all the Gin'rals in the British army,' says I. 'Twas for the +love o' the Rig'mint I got that wine, an' I 'm done wid the job.'" + +"Is that the end?" I asked. + +"Barrin' this," said O'Reilly. And he produced from his pocket a +silver cigarette case, inside which was engraved, "To Sergeant Dennis +O'Reilly, who saved the situation, October 15th, 1917." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BACK TO THE LAND. + +_Ex-Air-Mechanic (in difficulties)._ "SEEMS TO BE A RARE OLD BUS FOR +NOSE-DIVING."] + + * * * * * + + "No, thank you; I hate publicity.--Lord Jellicoe, in reply to a + request for a farewell massage."--_Provincial Paper_. + +We agree with the gallant Admiral that such operations are better +conducted in private. + + * * * * * + + "It was stated that the cow took ill, and died on 23rd June last, + and the purser now claimed the value of the animal, namely, L5O, + and also a further sum of L5, being the loss which he sustained + through the want of milk, butter, and cheese, supplied by said + cow from the date of her death to the date of the raising of the + action."--_Scots Paper_. + +"Faithful unto death"--and a bit over. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SARTORIAL CONTRASTS. + +THE DUKE OF WESSEX WELCOMES THE LEADING FINANCIAL MAGNATE OF A +FRIENDLY NATION ON HIS ARRIVAL AT VICTORIA STATION. + +UPPER-CUT BILL OF STEPNEY, THE WEST OF EUROPE HEAVYWEIGHT, WELCOMES +BASHER SCROGGINS OF VALPARAISO ON HIS ARRIVAL AT LIVERPOOL.] + + * * * * * + +THE ART OF LEAVING. + +If I had a son one of the first things I should teach him would be the +art of leaving. I would have him swift in all ways, but swiftest when +the time came to go. And when he went he should go absolutely. For +although the people who leave slowly are bad enough, they are as +nothing compared with the people who make false exits and return with +afterthoughts. + +The other day the necessity came for me to visit a house agent. Life +has these chequered moments. There is something of despatch and order +wanting about most house-agents, possibly the result of their very odd +and difficult business, which is for the greater part carried on with +people who don't know their own minds and apparently are least likely +to take an eligible residence when they most profess satisfaction with +it. Be that as it may, house agents' offices in general have a want of +definiteness unknown to, say, banks or pawnbrokers'. There is no exact +spot for you to stand or sit; you are unaware as to which of the +clerks is going to attend to you, and the odds are heavy that the one +you approach will transfer you to another. There is also a certain +air of familiarity or friendliness: not, of course, approaching the +camaraderie of the dealer in motor cars, who leans against the wall +with his hands in his pockets and talks to customers through a +cigarette; but something much more human than the attitude of a female +clerk in a post-office. + +Being pressed for time and having only the very briefest transaction +to perform, it follows that I was kept waiting for my turn with "our +Mr. Plausible," in whose optimistic hands my affairs at the moment +repose. + +Occupying his far too tolerant ear was another client, whose need was +a country house surrounded by enough grass-land for a small stud farm. + +This is what happened (he had, by the way, the only chair at that +desk):-- + +_Our Mr. Plausible (for the fortieth time)._ I understand perfectly. A +nice house, out-buildings and about twenty acres of meadow. + +_Client_. Twenty to thirty. + +_Our Mr. P_. Yes, or thirty. + +_C_. You see, what I want is to breed stock--cattle and horses too. + +_Our Mr. P_. Exactly. Well, the three places I have given you are all +well-adapted. + +_C_. When a man gets to my age and has put a little money by he may +just as well take it quietly as not. I don't want a real farm; I want +just a smallish place where I can play at raising pedigree animals. + +_Our Mr. P_. That's just the kind of place I've given you. The one +near Newbury is probably the most suitable. I should see that first, +and then the one near Alton. + +_C_. You understand, I don't want a big farm. Anybody else can have +the arable. Just a comfortable house and some meadows; about twenty +acres or even thirty. + +_Our Mr. P_. The biggest one I've given you is thirty. The place near +Newbury is twenty-three. + +_C_. Well, I'11 go and see them as soon as I can. _[Gets up_. + +_Our Mr. P_. The sooner the better, I should advise. There's a great +demand for country-houses just now. + +_C.(sitting solidly down again)._ Ah, yes, but this is different. What +I want is not so much a country-house in the ordinary meaning of the +term as a farm-house, but without possessing a farm. Just enough +buildings and meadow-land to breed a few shorthorns and a yearling or +two. The house must be comfortable, you know, roomy, but not anything +pretentious. _[Gets up again_. + +_Our Mr.P._ I quite understand. That's just what I've given you. + +_C. (again seating himself)._ The whole scheme may be foolishness. My +wife says it is. But _(here I believe I groaned audibly; at any rate +all the other clerks looked up)_ there it is. When a man has enough to +retire on and pay the piper he's entitled to call the tune; isn't he? + +_[At this point I resist the temptation to take him by the shoulders +and push him out_. + +_Our Mr. P_. Quite, quite. Well, Sir, if you take my advice you'11 go +to Newbury as quickly as you can. It's a first-rate place--most highly +recommended. + +_[Here the client very deliberately puts the three "orders to view" in +his inside pocket and slowly buttons his coat. I flutter on tiptoe, +eager for his chair._ + +_C_. If these won't do you'11 find me some more? + +_Our Mr. P_. With pleasure. + +_C_. Very well; good morning. + +_[Moves away. I have just begun to speak when he returns._ + +_C_. Don't forget what I want it for. And not too far from London or +my wife will dislike it. + +_Our Mr. P_. Yes, you told me that. I've got a note of it here. + +_C_. And you won't forget about the acreage? + +_Our Mr. P_. No." + +_C.(addressing me)._ I'm afraid I've kept you waiting. + +_I (like the craven liar I am)._ It's all right. + +_[Client ultimately withdraws, but still with reluctance, and after +two or three hesitations and half-turns back_. + +And the tragic part of it is that his name is Legion. + +That is why if I had a boy I should teach him the art of leaving. +Almost nothing else matters. + + * * * * * + +OFFICIAL EUPHEMISM. + +DR. ADDISON has stated that for some time past it has been the +practice riot to use the word "pauper" in official documents when it +was possible to use another expression; and no well-conditioned +person will cavil at the spirit which has prompted the use of a less +invidious substitute. But surely the process might be carried a good +deal further. The practice of giving a dog a bad name is not only +condemned by the proverbial philosophy of the ancients but by the most +emancipated of the orthopsychical educationists of to-day. + +If you keep on calling a man a "criminal," you will end by making +him one. How much wiser it would be to refer to the impulses which +occasionally bring him into conflict with the custodians of law and +order as emanating from a dynamic individualism! In that way you may +very possibly convert him into a static individualist and sterilize +his potential malignance by a subliminal _serum._. + +The amount of harm done by disparaging nomenclature is incalculable. +Take the word "thief," for example. Its meaning can be expressed with +infinitely greater precision and delicacy in the phrase, "one who is +unable to discriminate between _meum_ and _tuum_." Here you have in +place of one mean little word a well-cadenced phrase of ten. Euphony +as well as humanity prompts the variation. + +Classical writers may have objected to the use of sesquipedalian +words, but we know better, and Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S famous synonym +for "lie" is permanently enshrined in the annals of circumlocution. +One of the most offensive words in the language is "idiot"; yet it can +be shorn of nearly all its sting when replaced by the definition, "a +person of infra-normal mentality." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Demolilisation Officer_. "WHAT IS THE NUMBER OF YOUR +GROUP?" + +_Private_. "I DON'T KNOW, SIR. I WAS A TURF ACCOUNTANT." + +_Demobilisation Officer_. "AH! AGRICULTURE--GROUP 1."] + + * * * * * + + "London, Dec. 16.--At a meeting of the County Cricket Advisory + Committee it was decided to run the County Championship during + 1919, the matches to be limited to two days. There will be no + change in the number of balls in the over.--Reuter's. + + The Soviets are preparing the sharpest + counter-measure.--Reuter's."--_Canton Times_. + +But we are confident that whatever the Soviets' little game is it will +not be cricket. + + * * * * * + +STATE LOTTERIES. + + [An Equality Theatre is being-run in Munich, where the public pays + a fixed price and is allotted by chance a seat in the stalls or + the gallery.] + + The Equality plan we will run if we can + So that never a man or a woman need grumble-- + If theatres, should the idea not include + Books, clothing and food for the great and the humble? + You will pay a fixed sum and accept what may come, + Be it loser or plum; and, to shun all that vexes, + We'll even eliminate what modern women hate, + And will not discriminate as to the sexes. + + The question of dress may at first, I confess, + Make a sort of a mess of our smart Small-and-Earlies, + Where the First Footman John wears the garb of a don, + And Lord CURZON comes on from the House in his pearlies; + But when our char kneels on the steps and reveals + The last word in "Lucilles," will she not put her heart more + And more in her duties while great social beauties + Slink by in "pampooties" and arrows from Dartmoor? + + Our tastes and our breeding no more will be leading + The paths of our reading; we'll read what we've got to + (And it _will_ be a sell for Mamma if her Nell + Gets the last ETHEL DELL, when Mamma told her _not_ to); + It may be a worry to poor GILBERT MURRAY + To read Hints on Curry and Blouses and Batter + In _Home Chat_, it's true; but still more of a stew + _The Occult Review_ may appear to his hatter. + + In the matter of meals, since the rations one feels + Hedonistic ideals have so soundly been shaken + That even the swankiest Duke might say, "Thankee!" + For Hodge's red hanky of bread and cold bacon; + But if in the sequel all chances are equal + You'll have to see me quell a volume of curses + When our "jobs" they allot, and I _still_ have to swot, + If I like it or not, writing topical verses. + + * * * * * + +A HARDY ANNUAL. + +The butler, John Binns, who is an old and faithful retainer to this +household, is now suffering from his annual cough. It is a terrific +cough, capable of disputing supremacy with all other coughs of which +the world has heard. The special points about this cough are (1) its +loudness; (2) its combination of the noises made by all other +coughs; (3) its depth; (4) its shriek of despair as it trembles +and reverberates through the house; (5) its capacity to repel and +annihilate sympathy. It is true that I have interviewed Binns with +regard to his cough--it is an annual interview and is expected of me. +I have urged him as he values our friendship not to neglect his cough, +and he has assured me in return that the doctor has prepared for him a +draught which possesses the supreme quality of being absolutely unable +to effect the purpose for which it was devised. + +"I shall drink 'is stuff," says Binns, "but I 'aven't any 'opes of its +doing me any good. It doesn't seem to get me _be'ind_ the eough. If +once I could really get be'ind it I should soon finish it. But yon +can't expect to do anything with a cough unless you're be'ind it." + +"Have you tried chloraline?" I venture to suggest, mentioning not by +that name, but by another, a much-advertised specific. + +"I've been living on chloraline--that is when I wasn't taking camphor +lozenges. But my symptoms are too strong for that kind o' stuff. +Besides, I find that it's no use to fill yerself up with remedies, +because they only weigh down the cough unnaturally, and then when it +does bust out it's fit to tear yer throat in pieces. But none of them +get be'ind it--no, not once." + +It will be observed that Binns has almost a superstition in regard to +"getting be'ind." If he got rid of his cough with everything still in +front, he would take no satisfaction whatever in his malady; but as +it is he feels a legitimate pride in it. He has been a member of this +household for forty years, and punctually on the Kalends of March in +every year his cough turns up. It never reduces his efficiency, but, +while it alienates affection, it makes him more valuable to himself as +being one who has symptoms capable of being related at full length +to Mrs. Hankinson, the cook, or to any of the maids who have not +yet experienced it and must be made aware that they belong to an +establishment which has the high merit of accommodating John Binns's +annual cough. + +It is something to have a butler who has coughed his irresistible +way through two-and-a-half generations. It is a perfectly harmless +affliction, but it gets on nerves in the same way as it did when first +it huicked and honked and strangled and choked in the seventies of +last century. I can see no decrease in its vigour or its variety. It +deserves the chance of immortality that I hereby offer it, thus giving +it a place beside the cough that _Johnson_ coughed at _Dr. Blimber's_ +famous establishment. It will be remembered that, when the _Doctor_ +began an excursus on the Romans, _Johnson_, "who happened to be +drinking and who caught the Doctor's eye glaring at him through the +side of his tumbler, left off so hastily that he was convulsed for +some moments and in the sequel ruined Dr. Blimber's point." He +struggled gallantly, but had in the end to give way to an overwhelming +paroxysm of coughing. It was a good cough, but an isolated one, and +was perhaps, after all, not equal to Binns's. + + * * * * * + +THE GOOD OLD TIMES. + +Captain Reginald Jones _and_ Captain James Smith, _demobilised, +meet accidentally in the waiting-room of a Government office. Their +acquaintanceship had originated in a shell-hole near Plum-Tree Farm in +1916._ + +_Reggie_. Cheerio, old egg. + +_Jimmy_. Same to you. Doing anything? + +_Reggie_. Lord, yes! I've been pushed on to the directorate of the +pater's firm. + +_Jimmy_. Congrats! + +_Reggie_. Stow it, old man; I'm simply worried to death. The whole +cabush is on strike. + +_Jimmy_. The blighters! What bunch are they? + +_Reggie_. Stone-breakers. + +_Jimmy_. Not the stone-breakers, surely? + +_Reggie_. Yes, the stone-breakers, perish them! + +_Jimmy_. And are you here about it? + +_Reggie_. Sure. The junior director gets all the dirty work to do. + +_Jimmy_. What a coincidence! I'm on the same stunt, old thing. + +_Reggie_. Board of Trade? + +_Jimmy_. Rats! Organising secretary of the Stone-breakers' Union. + +_Reggie (after, gasp of surprise)._ Lucky devil. + +_Jimmy_. Rot! I'd chuck it if I could afford to. Don't you wish +sometimes you were back at Plum-Tree Farm? + +_Reggie_. Crumbs, Jimmy; but weren't those the glorious days? + + * * * * * + + "EX-CROWN PRINCE'S HORSE TO RUN."--_Heading in "The Times_." + +Like master like horse. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOR ENTERPRISING DISPERSAL STATIONS. SPEED UP YOUR +OUTPUT BY INSTALLING THE MOVING-STAIRCASE SYSTEM. NO TIME LOST. +GOVERNMENT SUITS "ASSEMBLED" BY SKILLED WORKMEN IN RECORD TIME.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +I SHALL begin by saying straight out that Miss CICELY HAMILTON'S new +book, _William--an Englishman_ (SKEFFINGTON), is one of the finest +war-stories that anyone has yet given us. You know already what +qualities the author brings to her writing; you may believe me +that she has done nothing more real, more nobly conceived, and by +consequence more moving than this short tale. It opens, in a style +of half-humorous irony, with an account of the youth, early life and +courtship of _William_, who, with the girl whom he married, belonged +to the vehement circles of the Labour-Suffragist group, spending a +cheerfully ignorant life in a round of meetings, in hunger-striking +and whole-hearted support of the pacifism that "seeks peace and ensues +it by insisting firmly, and even to blood, that it is the other +side's duty to give way." One small concession you must make to +Miss HAMILTON'S plot. It is improbable that, when such a couple as +_William_ and _Griselda_ left England in July 1914 to take their +honeymoon in a remote valley of the Belgian Ardennes, their friends, +knowing them to be without news and ignorant of all speech save +English, should have made no effort to warn them. But, this granted, +the tragedy that follows becomes inevitable. It is so finely told and +so horrible (the more so for the deliberate restraint of the telling) +that I will say nothing to weaken its effect. From one scene, however, +I cannot withhold my tribute of admiration--that in which _William_, +alone, brokenhearted, and almost crazed with the ruin of everything +that made up his life, creeps home to find his old associates still +glibly echoing the platitudes in which he once believed. A hint here +of insincerity or conscious arrangement would have ruined all; as it +is, the scene holds and haunts one with an impression of absolute +truth, For the end, marked like all by an almost grim avoidance of +sentimentality, I shall only refer you to the book itself. After +reading it you will, I hope, not think me guilty of exaggeration when +I call it, slight though it is, one for which its author has deserved +well of the State. + + * * * * * + +The dominant impression left upon me by Miss MERIEL BUCHANAN'S +_Petrograd the City of Trouble_ (COLLINS) is that its author is a +sportswoman of the first order. You see her pressing to the windows to +observe the shooting in the streets, going out to shop, to dine, to +dance, during the stormy months of the various phases of the +various Russian Revolutions. And I hasten to add, for fear of +misunderstanding, that there is no suggestion of pose as the heroic +Englishwoman. It was not till the end of 1918 that Sir GEORGE BUCHANAN +withdrew from a country in which ambassadorial functions had obviously +no reasonable scope. But he and his family, including our chronicler, +his spirited daughter, remained long after there was any plausible +reason to hope for the restoration of order and very long after +considerations of personal safety might well have dictated and +justified retreat. Mr. HUGH WALPOLE in his preface points out that +Miss BUCHANAN is the first English writer to give a sense of the +atmosphere of Russia during the New Terror. It is curious, but the +impression she conveys is of something far less formidable than +we have imagined. That may well be due to her high courage which +minimised the ever-present dangers. Another odd impression is that her +accounts of current events, e.g. of the death of RASPUTIN, seem to be +as unplausible as those which have been patched from various reports +and guesses by writers far from the actual scene. It is perhaps the +very nearness of the author to the source of the host of wild rumours +and speculations concerning this strange tragedy that conveys this +sense of the impossible. Have I thereby suggested that the book lacks +interest? On the contrary, it hasn't a dull or insincere page. + + * * * * * + +_Little Houses_ (METHUEN) is not, as you might excusably suppose, a +treatise upon the problem of the hour, but a novel. I confess that, +when I read in the puff preliminary that it was "minutely observed" +and "drab" in setting, my heart sank. But Mr. WODEN'S book is not made +after that sufficiently-exploited fashion. He has a definite scheme, +and (but for the fault of creating more characters than he can +conveniently manage) tells his simple tale with a mature ease +remarkable in a first novel. The plan of it is the life-story of a +group of persons in a provincial factory town in those Victorian days +when trade-unions were first starting, when the caricaturists lived +upon Mr. GLADSTONE'S collars and the Irish Question was very much in +the same state as it is to-day. We watch the hero, _John Allday_, +developing from a Sunday-school urchin to flourishing owner of his +own business and prospective alderman. Of course I admit that this +synopsis does not sound peculiarly thrilling; also that as a tale it +is by now considerably more than twice told. But I can only repeat +that, for those with a taste for such stories, here is one excellent +of its kind. Whether Mr. WODEN has been drawing upon personal memories +for it, writing in fact that one novel of which every man is said to +be capable, time and the publishing lists will show. I shall certainly +be interested to see. Meanwhile the fact that despite his name +GEORGE--always an object of the gravest suspicion--I accept his +masculinity without question is my tribute both to the balance of his +style and to the admirable drawing of his hero. + + * * * * * + +That gallant and heroic gentleman, the late Mr. CECIL CHESTERTON, +proved his quality by his service and death in the ranks of our army. +In such scanty leisure as he could command be wrote, quite casually +as it were, _A History of the United Slates_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS). He +seemed to say as _Wemmick_ might have said, "Hullo! Here's a nation! +Let's write its history," which he at once proceeded to do with +immense gusto and considerable accuracy. Americans will not +universally agree with all the views he puts forward. I myself am +of opinion (probably quite wrongly) that I could make a better +argumentative case for the North in the Civil War on the question of +slavery. And in his account of the War of 1812-1814 Mr. CHESTERTON +spends a great deal of indignation over the burning by the British of +some public buildings in Washington, omitting to mention that this was +done in reprisal for the burning by the Americans in the previous +year of the public buildings of Toronto. But in the main this history +brilliantly justifies Mr. CHESTERTON'S courage in undertaking it, and +it is written in a style that carries the reader with it from first +to last. The book is introduced by a moving tribute from Mr. G.K. +CHESTERTON to his dead brother. + + * * * * * + +We doubt whether Mr. BOOTH TARKINGTON'S many admirers on this side +of the Atlantic will read _The Magnificent Ambersons_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON) with any great sense of satisfaction. _George Minafer_ is +a spoilt and egotistical cad, and as we pursue his unpleasant +personality from infancy onward our impatience with the adoring +relatives who allow the impossible little bounder to turn their lives +to tragedy becomes more and more pronounced. In England his "come +uppance" would have commenced at an early age and in the time-honoured +place thereunto provided. But in the case of young American nabobs +these corrective agencies are too often wanting, and though it is +hard to believe that a sophisticated uncle, a soldier grandfather and +various other relatives would have allowed a conceited and overbearing +young boor to wreck his mother's life by separating her from a former +sweetheart, it cannot be said that such cases have not existed or +that the picture is altogether overdrawn. But we do not like _George +Minafer_, and his final reconciliation with his own sweetheart and her +father--the man whom ho has prevented his mother from marrying--leaves +us cold. But if the characters are unpleasing the craftsmanship of +_The Magnificent Ambersons_ is of Mr. BOOTH TARKINGTON'S best, and his +description "of the decline and fall of a locally supreme dynasty +of plutocrats before the hosts of the Goths and Huns of spawning +industrialism is almost a contribution to American social history. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Disturbed Burglar_. "'SORL RIGHT, CONSTABLE. I'M ONLY +'AVIN' A GLOAT OVER ME WHIST-DRIVE PRIZES."] + + * * * * * + +Of the two tales in _Wild Youth and Another_ (HUTCHINSON) I prefer +the other. In "Wild Youth" Sir GILBERT PARKER gives us the unedifying +picture of a horrible old man married to a young and pretty girl. +Jealous, tyrannical and vicious, this creature--referred to as a +behemoth--is in all conscience unsavoury enough; but no one can read +his story without feeling that he never had a dog's chance; and +although the tale is in many respects well-told, I feel that it +would have been vastly improved if some redeeming qualities had been +vouchsafed to the villain of the piece. "Jordan is a Hard Road" is a +more engaging piece of work. Here we have a man who has walked +through most of the commandments--with especial attention to the +eighth--trying to mend his ways. And he makes rather a sound job of it +until something quite unforeseen happens; and then the old Adam (if +this is quite fair to Adam) asserts himself. From a publisher's +"literary note" enclosed in this book you will learn that Sir +GILBERT'S imagination is "as boundless as the tracts of the Prairie +which he loves and knows how to make his readers love." This is +perhaps rather a large order, but I will content myself by saying that +for the scenes of these stories Sir GILBERT has chosen ground that is +familiar to him, and that knowledge is sometimes even more useful than +imagination. + + * * * * * + +"HAMLET" AND THE FLU (an appeal to the Government): "Angels and +Ministers of Health defend us!" + + + +END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156., March 5, 1919, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 11201.txt or 11201.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/2/0/11201/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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