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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:35 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:35 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11686-0.txt b/11686-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..347c7cc --- /dev/null +++ b/11686-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14859 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11686 *** + +WITHOUT DOGMA. + +A NOVEL OF MODERN POLAND. + +BY + +HENRYK SIENKIEWICZ + +AUTHOR OF +"WITH FIRE AND SWORD," "THE DELUGE," "QUO VADIS," ETC. + +TRANSLATED FROM THE POLISH BY + +IZA YOUNG. + +1893 + + + + + + +"A man who leaves memoirs, whether well or badly written, provided +they be sincere, renders a service to future psychologists and +writers, giving them not only a faithful picture of the times, but +likewise human documents that can be relied upon." + + + + +PUBLISHER'S PREFACE + + +In "WITHOUT DOGMA" we have a remarkable work, by a writer known +only in this country through his historical novels; and a few words +concerning this novel and its author may not be without interest. + +Readers of Henryk Sienkiewicz in America, who have known him only +through Mr. Curtin's fine, strong translations, will be surprised to +meet with a production so unlike "Fire and Sword," and "The Deluge," +that on first reading one can scarcely believe it to be from the pen +of the great novelist. + +"Fire and Sword," "The Deluge," and "Pan Michael" (now in press) form, +so to speak, a Polish trilogy. They are, first and last, Polish in +sentiment, nationality, and patriotism. What Wagner did for Germany in +music, what Dumas did for France, and Scott for all English-speaking +people, the great Pole has achieved for his own country in literature. +Even to those most unfamiliar with her history, it grows life-like and +real as it speaks to us from the pages of these historical romances. +Only a very great genius can unearth the dusty chronicles of past +centuries, and make its men and women live and breathe, and speak to +us. These historical characters are not mere shadows, puppets, or +nullities, but very real men and women, our own flesh and blood. + +His warriors fight, love, hate; they embrace each other; they laugh; +they weep in each other's arms; give each other sage counsels, with a +truly Homeric simplicity. They are deep-versed in stratagems of love +and war, these Poles of the seventeenth century! They have their +Nestor, their Agamemnon, their great Achilles sulking in his tent. +Oddly enough, at times they grow very familiar to us, and in spite of +their Polish titles and faces, and a certain tenderness of nature that +is almost feminine, they seem to have good, stout, Saxon stuff in +them. Especially where the illustrious knights recount their heroic +deeds there is a Falstaffian strut in their performance, and there +runs riot a Falstaffian imagination truly sublime. + +Yet, be it observed, however much in all this is suggestive of the +literature of other races and ages, these characters never cease for a +moment to be Poles. Here is a vast, moving panorama spread before us; +across it pass mighty armies; hetman and banneret go by; the scene +is full of stir, life, action. It is constantly changing, so that +at times we are almost bewildered, attempting to follow the quick +succession of events. We are transported in a moment from the din +and uproar of a beleaguered town to the awful solitude of the vast +steppes,--yet it is always the Polish Commonwealth that the novelist +paints for us, and beneath every other music rises the wild Slavic +music, rude, rhythmical, and sad. + +There is, too, a background against which these pictures paint +themselves, and it reminds us not a little of Verestchagin,--the same +deep feeling for nature, and a certain sadness that seems inseparable +from the Russian and Lithuanian temperaments, tears following closely +upon mirth. At times, after incident upon incident of war, the reader +is tempted to exclaim, "Something too much of this!" Yet nowhere, +perhaps, except from the great canvases of Verestchagin, has there +ever come a more awful, powerful plea for peace than from the pages of +"Fire and Sword." + +In "Without Dogma" is presented quite another theme, treated in a +fashion strikingly different. In the historical novels the stage +is crowded with personages. In "Without Dogma," the chief interest +centres in a single character. This is not a battle between contending +armies, but the greater conflict that goes on in silence,--the battle +of a man for his own soul. + +He can scarcely be considered an heroic character; he is to some +extent the creature of circumstances, the fine product of a +highly complex culture and civilization. He regards himself as a +nineteenth-century Hamlet, and for him not merely the times, but his +race and all mankind, are out of joint. He is not especially Polish +save by birth; he is as little at home in Paris or at Rome as in +Warsaw. Set him down in any quarter of the globe and he would be +equally out of place. He folds the mantle of his pessimism about him. +Life has interested him purely as a spectacle, in which he plays no +part save a purely passive one. His relation to life is that of the +Greek chorus, passing across the stage, crying "Woe, woe!" + +Life has interested, entertained, and sometimes wearied him. He muses, +philosophizes, utters the most profound observations upon life, art, +and the mystery of things. He puts mankind and himself upon the +dissecting-table. + +Here is a nature so sensitive that it photographs every impression, +an artistic temperament, a highly endowed organism; yet it produces +nothing. The secret of this unproductiveness lies perhaps in a certain +tendency to analyze and philosophize away every strong emotion that +should lead to action. Here is a man in possession of two distinct +selves,--the one emotional, active; the other eternally occupied in +self-contemplation, judgment, and criticism. The one paralyzes the +other. He defines himself as "a genius without a portfolio," just as +there are certain ministers-of-state without portfolios. + +In such a character many of us will find just enough of ourselves to +make its weaknesses distasteful to us. We resent, just because +we recognize the truth of the picture. Leon Ploszowski belongs +unmistakably to our own times. His doubts and his dilettanteism are +our own. His fine aesthetic sense, his pessimism, his self-probings, +his weariness, his overstrung nerves, his whole philosophy of +negation,--these are qualities belonging to this century, the outcome +of our own age and culture. + +If this were all the book offers us one might well wonder why it +was written. But its real interest centres in the moment when the +cultivated pessimist "without dogma" discovers that the strongest and +most genuine emotion of his life is its love for another man's wife. +It is an old theme; certainly two thirds of our modern French novels +deal with it; we know exactly how the conventional, respectable +British novel would handle it. But here is a treatment, bold, +original, and unconventional. The character of the woman stands out in +splendid contrast to the man's. Its simplicity, strength, truth, and +faith are the antidote for his doubt and weakness. Her very weakness +becomes her strength. Her dogmatism saves him. + +The background of the book, its lesser incidents, are thoroughly +artistic, its ending masterly in its brevity and pathos; here again is +the distinguishing mark of genius, the power of condensation. The man +who has philosophized and speculated now writes the tragedy of +his life in four words: "Aniela died this morning." This is the +culmination towards which his whole life has been moving; the rest is +foregone conclusion, and matters but little. + +One sees throughout the book the strong influence that other minds, +Shakespeare notably, have produced upon this mind; here its attitude +is never merely pessimistic. It does not criticise them, it has +absorbed them. + +One last word concerning this novel. It does not seek to formulate, or +to preach directly. Its chief value and the keynote to its motive lie +in the words that Sienkiewicz at the beginning puts into the mouth of +his hero:-- + +"A man who leaves memoirs, whether well or badly written, provided +they be sincere, renders a service to future psychologists and +writers, giving them not only a faithful picture, but likewise _human +documents_ that may be relied upon." + +A _human document_--the modern novel is this, when it is anything at +all. If Mr. Crawford's canons of literary art are true, and we believe +they are, they give us a standard by which to judge; he tells us that +the heart in each man and woman means the whole body of innate and +inherited instincts, impulses, and beliefs, which, when quiescent, we +call Self, when roused to emotional activity, we call Heart. It is to +this self, or heart, he observes, that whatever is permanent in the +novel must appeal; and whatever does so must live and find a hearing +with humanity "so long as humanity is human." If this be a test, we +cannot doubt as to what will be the reception of "Without Dogma." + +A few words concerning the novelist himself. The facts obtainable +are of the most meagre kind. He was born in 1845, in Lithuania. The +country itself, its natural and strongly religious and political +influences, its melancholy, seem to have left their strong, lasting +impression upon him. He has a passionate fondness for the Lithuanian, +and paints him and his surroundings most lovingly. + +His student days were spent at Warsaw. He devoted himself afterward to +literature, writing at first under a pseudonym. He does not seem to +have won immediate recognition. He spent some years in California; +a series of articles published in this connection in a Polish paper +brought him into notice. + +In 1880, various novelettes and sketches of his production were +published in three volumes. + +In 1884 were given to the Polish public the three historical novels +which immediately gave their author the foremost place in Polish +literature. It is a matter of pride that the first translation of +these great works into English is the work of an American, and offered +to the American public. + +He is a prolific writer, and it would be impossible to attempt to give +even the names of all his minor sketches and romances. Some of them +have been translated into German, but much has been lost in the +translation. + +Sienkiewicz is still a contributor to journalistic literature. He has +travelled much, and is a citizen of the world. He is equally at home +in the Orient or the West, by the banks of the Dnieper, or beside the +Nile. Probably there is scarcely a corner of Poland that he has not +explored. He depicts no type of life that has not actually come under +his own observation. The various social strata of his own country, the +condition of its peasantry, the marked contrast between the simplicity +of that life and the culture of the ecclesiastic and aristocratic +bodies, the religious, poetic, artistic temperament of the +people,--all these he paints in a life-like fashion, but always as an +artist. + +So much of the writer. Of the man Sienkiewicz there is little to +be obtained. Like all great creative geniuses, he is so completely +identified with his work that even while his personality lives in +his creations it eludes them. He offers us no confidences concerning +himself, no opinions or prejudices. He does not divert the reader with +personalities. He sets before us certain groups of men and women, whom +certainly he knows and loves, and has lived among. He sets them in +motion; they become living, breathing creations; they assume relations +in time and space; they speak and act for themselves. If there be a +prompter he remains always behind the scenes. Admire or criticise or +love the actors as you will, you cannot for a moment doubt that they +are alive. + +This is the supreme miracle of genius,--the fine union of dramatic +instinct, the aesthetic sense, and an intense, vital realism; not the +realism of the cesspool or the morgue, but the realism of the earth +and sky, and of healthy human nature. We are inclined to believe that +Henryk Sienkiewicz has answered an often discussed question that has +much exercised the keenly critical intellect of this age. One school +of thought cries out, "Let us have life as it is. Paint anything, but +draw it as it is. Let the final test of all literary works be, 'Is it +real and true?'" + +To the romantic school quite another class of ideas appeals; to it +much of the so-called realistic literature seems very bad, or merely +"weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable." The profoundest utterances of +realism do not impress it much in themselves. It insists that art has +something to say to literature, that in this field as elsewhere +holds good the law of natural selection of types and survival of the +fittest. + +While each school has its down-sittings and up-risings, its supporters +and its critics, neither school has yet exhausted the possibilities of +literature. The novel's aim is to depict Life, and life is neither all +romance nor all realism, but a curious mixture of both. Man is neither +a beast nor a celestial being, but a compound. Though he can crawl, +and may have clinging to him certain brute instincts that may be +the relics of his anthropoidal days, he has also, thank God, divine +desires and discontents, and certain rudimentary wings. And neither +school alone is competent to paint him as he is. The author of "La +Bête Humaine" fails as completely as the visionary À Kempis. Neither +realism nor romance alone will ever with its small plummet sound to +its depths the human heart or its mystery; yet from the union of the +two much perhaps might come. + +We believe that just here lies the value of the novels of Henryk +Sienkiewicz. He has worked out the problem of the modern novel so as +to satisfy the most ardent realist, but he has worked it out upon +great and broadly human lines. For him facts are facts indeed; but +facts have souls as well as bodies. His genius is analytic, but also +imaginative and constructive; it is not forever going upon botanizing +excursions. He paints things and thoughts human. + +The greatest genius assimilates unconsciously the best with which +it comes in contact, and by a subtle chemistry of its own makes new +combinations. Shakespeare, Dante, Goethe, and the realists, as well as +all the forces of nature, have helped to make Henryk Sienkiewicz; yet +he is not any one of them. He is never merely imitative. Originality +and imaginative fire, a style vivid and strong, large humor, a +profound pathos, a strong feeling for nature, and a deep reverence +for the forms and the spirit of religion, the breath of the true +cosmopolitan united with the intense patriotism of the Pole, a great +creative genius,--these are the most striking qualities of the work of +this modern novelist, who has married Romance to Realism. + + * * * * * + + + + +WITHOUT DOGMA. + + +ROME, 9 January. + +Some months ago I met my old friend and school-fellow, Jozef +Sniatynski, who for the last few years has occupied a prominent place +among our literary men. In a discussion about literature Sniatynski +spoke about diaries. He said that a man who leaves memoirs, whether +well or badly written, provided they be sincere, renders a service +to future psychologists and writers, giving them not only a faithful +picture of the times, but likewise human documents that can be relied +upon. He seemed to think that most likely the novel of the future +would take the form of diary; finally he asserted that anybody who +keeps a diary works for the common good, and does a meritorious thing. + +I am thirty-five, and do not remember ever having done anything for my +country, for the reason, maybe, that after leaving the University, my +life, with slight intervals, was spent abroad. This fact, so lightly +touched upon, has given me, in spite of all my scepticism, many a +bitter pang; therefore I resolved to follow my friend's advice. If +this indeed means work, with some kind of merit in it, I will try to +be of some use in this way. + +I intend to be perfectly sincere. I enter upon the task, not only +because of the above-mentioned reasons, but also because the idea +pleases me. Sniatynski says that if a man gets accustomed to put down +his thoughts and impressions it becomes gradually one of the most +delightful occupations of his life. If it should prove the contrary, +then the Lord have mercy on my diary; it would snap asunder like a +string too tightly drawn. I am ready to do much for my community; but +to bore myself for its sake, oh, no! I could not do it. + +Nevertheless, I am resolved not to be discouraged by first +difficulties, and shall give it a fair trial. "Do not adopt any style; +do not write from a literary point of view," says Sniatynski. Easier +said than done. I fully understand that the greater the writer, the +less he writes in a purely literary style; but I am a _dilettante_, +and have no command over any style. I know from experience that to one +who thinks much and feels deeply, it often seems that he has only +to put down his thoughts and feelings in order to produce something +altogether out of the common; yet as soon as he sets to work he falls +into a certain mannerism of style and common phraseology; his thoughts +do not come spontaneously, and one might almost say that it is not the +mind that directs the pen, but the pen leads the mind into common, +empty artificiality. I am afraid of this for myself, for if I am +wanting in eloquence, literary simplicity, or picturesqueness, I am +not wanting in good taste, and my own style might become distasteful +to myself, and thereby render my task impossible. But this I shall see +later on. I begin my diary with a short introductory autobiography. + +My name is Leon Ploszowski, and I am, as I said before, thirty-five +years of age. I come from a wealthy family which has been able to +preserve its fortune. As to myself I shall not increase it, and at the +same time I am not likely to squander it. My position is such that +there is no necessity for me to enter into competition with struggling +humanity. As to expensive and ruinous pleasures, I am a sceptic who +knows how much they are worth, or rather, knows that they are not +worth anything. + +My mother died a week after I was born. My father, who loved her +more than his life, became affected with melancholia. Even after he +recovered from this, at Vienna, he did not wish to return to his +estates, as the memories associated with them rent his very soul; he +left Ploszow under the care of his sister, my aunt, and betook himself +in the year 1848 to Rome, which, during thirty-odd years, he never +left once, so as to be near my mother's tomb. I forgot to mention that +he brought her remains to Rome, and buried her on the Campo Santo. + +We have our own house on the Babuino, called Casa Osoria, from our +coat of arms. It looks more like a museum than anything else, as +my father possesses no mean collections, especially from the early +Christian times. In these collections his whole life is now absorbed. +As a young man, he was very brilliant in appearance as well as in +mind; his wealth and name added to this, all roads were open to him, +and consequently great things were expected from him. I know this from +his fellow-students at Berlin. He was deeply absorbed in the study of +philosophy, and it was generally believed his name would rank with +such as Cieszkowski, Libelt, and others. Society, and his being a +favorite in female circles, diverted him somewhat from scientific +studies. In society he was known by the nickname of "Leon +l'Invincible." In spite of his social success he did not neglect his +philosophical researches, and everybody expected that some day he +would electrify the world with a great work, and make his name +illustrious. They were disappointed in their expectations. + +Of the once so beautiful appearance there still remains up to this day +one of the finest and noblest heads. Artists are of the same opinion, +and not long ago one of them remarked that it would be difficult to +find a more perfect type of a patrician head. As to his +scientific career, my father is and remains a cultured and gifted +nobleman-dilettante. I almost believe dilettantism to be the fate of +all Ploszowskis, to which I will refer later on, when I come to +write about myself. As to my father, there is in his desk a yellow +manuscript about Triplicity in Nature. I perused it, and it did not +interest me. I only remember a comparison between the transcendental +belief of Christianity in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and +the natural triplicity of oxygen, hydrogen, and ozone, with many other +analogous triplicities from absolute truth, goodness, and beauty, +to the syllogism of the minor premise, the major premise, and the +conclusion,--a quaint mixture of Hegel and Hoene-Wronski, and utterly +useless. I am quite convinced that my father did not intend to have +it published, if only for the reason that speculative philosophy had +failed in him even before it was set aside by the world. The reason +for this failure was the death of my mother. My father, who in spite +of his nickname, "Leon l'Invincible," and reputation of conqueror of +hearts, was a man of deep feelings and simply worshipped my mother, +put many terrible questions to his philosophy, and not obtaining +either answer or comfort, recognized its utter emptiness in the +presence of a great sorrow. This must have been an awful tragedy of +his life, since it almost shattered its foundations,--the brain +and heart. His mind became affected, as I said before, and when he +recovered he went back to his religious convictions. I was told that +at one time he prayed night and day, knelt down in the street when he +passed a church, and was carried away by his religious fervor to such +an extent that he was looked upon by some as a madman, by others as a +saint. It was evident he found more consolation in this than in his +philosophical triplicities, for he gradually calmed down and began +to lead a more rational life. His heart, with all his power for +affection, turned towards me, and his aesthetic bent found employment +in the study of early Christianity. The lofty, restless mind wanted +nourishment. After his first year in Rome he took up archaeology, and +by dint of hard study acquired a thorough knowledge of the antique. + +Father Calvi, my first tutor and at the same time a great judge of +Roman antiquities, gave him the final impulse towards investigation of +the Eternal City. Some fifteen years ago my father became acquainted +and subsequently on terms of friendship with the great Rossi, in +whose company he spent whole days in the catacombs. Thanks to his +extraordinary gifts he soon acquired such consummate knowledge of Rome +as to astonish Rossi himself. Several times he began writing treatises +on the subject, but never finished what he had begun. Maybe the +completion of his collections took up too much of his time, but most +likely the reason he will not leave anything behind him except his +collections is that he did not confine himself to one epoch or any +specialty in his researches. Gradually mediaeval Rome began to +fascinate him as much as the first era of Christianity. There was a +time when his mind was full of Orsinis and Colonnas; after that he +approached the Renaissance, and was fairly captivated by it. From +inscriptions, tombs, and the first traces of Christian architecture he +passed to nearer times; from the Byzantine paintings to Fiesole +and Giotto, from these to artists of the fourteenth and fifteenth +centuries, and so on; he fell in love with statues and pictures; his +collections certainly increased, but the great work in Polish +about the three Romes remained forever in the land of unfulfilled +intentions. + +As to these collections my father has a singular idea. He wants to +bequeath them to Rome under the condition they should be placed in +a separate gallery named after him, "Museum Osoria Ploszowski." Of +course his wishes will be respected. I only wonder why my father +believes that in doing this he will be more useful to his community +than by sending them to his own country. + +Not long ago he said to me: "You perceive that scarcely anybody there +would see them, and very few derive any benefit, whereas here the +whole world can study them, and every individual that benefits thereby +carries the benefit to other communities." It does not befit me to +analyze how much family pride and the thought of having his name +engraved in marble in the Eternal City has to do with the whole +scheme. I almost think that such must be the case. As to myself, I +am perfectly indifferent where the collections are to remain. But my +aunt, to whom by the bye I am shortly going to pay a visit at Warsaw, +is very indignant at the idea of leaving the collections out of the +country, and as, with her, thought and speech go always together, she +expresses her indignation in every letter. Some years ago she was at +Rome, and they wrangled every day over the matter, and would have +quarrelled outright had not the affection she has towards me subdued +her temper. + +My aunt is older than my father by several years. When my father, +after his great sorrow, left the country, he gave up the Ploszow +estate to her, and took instead the ready capital. My aunt has managed +the property for thirty years, and manages it perfectly. She is of a +rather uncommon character, therefore I will devote to her a few lines. +At the age of twenty she was betrothed to a young man who died in +exile just when my aunt was about to follow him abroad. From that time +forth she refused all offers of marriage and remained an old maid. +After my mother's death she went with my father to Vienna and +Rome, where she lived with him, surrounding him with the tenderest +affections, which she subsequently transferred to me. She is, in the +full meaning of the word, _une grande dame_, somewhat of an autocrat, +haughty and outspoken, with that self-possession wealth and a high +position give, but withal the very essence of goodness and kindliness. +Under the cover of abrupt manners she has an excellent and lenient +disposition, loving not only her own family, as for instance my father +and myself and her own household, but mankind in general. She is so +virtuous that really I do not know whether there be any merit in +it, as she could not be otherwise if she tried. Her charities are +proverbial. She orders poor people about like a constable, and tends +them like a Saint Vincent de Paul. She is very religious. No doubts +whatever assail her mind. What she does, she does from unshaken +principles, and therefore never hesitates in the choice of ways and +means. Therefore she is always at peace with herself and very happy. +At Warsaw they call my aunt, on account of her abrupt manners, _le +bourreau bienfaisant_. Some people, especially among women, dislike +her, but generally speaking she lives in peace with all classes. + +Ploszow is not far from Warsaw, where my aunt owns a house in which +she spends the winter. Every winter she tries to inveigle me there in +the hope to see me married. Even now I received a mysteriously worded +missive adjuring me to come at once. I shall have to go, as I have not +seen her for some time. She writes that she is getting old and wishes +to see me before she dies. I confess I do not always feel inclined to +go. I know that my aunt's dearest wish is to see me married, therefore +every visit brings her a cruel disappointment. The very idea of such a +decisive step frightens me. To begin a new life when I am so tired +of the old one! Finally, there is another vexatious element in my +relations with my aunt. As formerly my father's friends looked upon +him as a genius, so she persists in regarding me as one exceptionally +gifted, from whom great things are to be expected. To allow her to +remain of this opinion seems an abuse of her good faith; to tell +her that nothing is to be expected from me would be a more likely +conclusion, but at the same time inflict upon the dear old lady a +cruel blow. + +To my misfortune many of those near me share my aunt's opinion, and +this brings me to the point of drawing a sketch of my own character, +which is by no means an easy task, as my nature is rather a +complicated one. + +I brought with me into the world very sensitive nerves, nerves +perfected by the culture of generations. During the first years of my +childhood I remained under the care of my aunt; after her departure, +according to the custom of our country, a nursery governess was +engaged for me. As we lived in Rome, among foreign surroundings, and +my father wished me to be well grounded in my own language, he engaged +a Polish governess. She is still with us as housekeeper at Babuino. +My father also bestowed some pains upon me, especially after my fifth +year. I used to go to his room to talk with him, and this developed my +mind prodigiously, too much so perhaps for my age. Later on, when his +studies and archaeologic researches took up his whole time, he engaged +a tutor, Father Calvi. This was an old man, with a mind and faith +exceedingly serene. He loved art beyond everything. I believe religion +even reacted upon him through its beauty. In the galleries before the +old masters, or listening to the music in the Sistine Chapel, he lost +himself altogether. There was nothing pagan in these feelings, as they +were not based upon sybaritism or sensual enjoyment. Father Calvi +loved art with the pure, serene feeling as maybe a Da Fiesole, a +Cimabue, or Giotto loved it. And he loved in all humility, as he +himself had no gifts that way. I could not say which of the fine arts +he loved best, but I believe he leaned mostly towards harmony, which +responded to the harmony of his own mind. + +Whenever I think of Father Calvi, I am reminded at the same time of +the old man that stands beside Raphael's Saint Cecilia listening +intently to the music of the spheres. + +Between my father and the priest sprang up a friendship which lasted +unto the latter's death. It was he who confirmed my father in his +archaeologic researches, especially about Rome. There was another +bond between these two,--their love for me. Both considered me as an +exceptionally gifted child, and of a God knows what promising future. +It strikes me at times that I formed for them a kind of harmony,--a +rounding of and completion to the world in which they lived; and they +loved me with the same absorbing passion with which they loved Rome +and its antiquities. Such an atmosphere, such surroundings, could not +fail to impress my mind. I was brought up in an original way. With +my tutor,--sometimes with my father,--I visited galleries, museums, +villas, ruins, catacombs, and the environs of Rome. Father Calvi was +equally sensitive to the beauties of nature and to those of art, and +taught me at an early age to understand poetic melancholy. The Roman +Campagna, the harmony of the arch-line on the sky of the arches in the +ruined aqueducts, the fine tracery of the pines,--I understood all +this before I could read or had mastered the first rudiments of +arithmetic. I was able to set English tourists right to whom the names +of Carracci and Caravaggio caused confusion. I learned Latin early and +without effort, from being familiar with the Italian language. I +gave my opinion about Italian and foreign masters,--which, however +unsophisticated, made both my father and my tutor look at each other +in astonishment. I did not like Ribera,--there was too great a +contrast of color in his pictures, and he frightened me a little; but +I liked Carlo Dolce. In short, my tutor, my father, and his friends +considered me a very prodigy; I heard myself praised, and it flattered +my vanity. But, all the same, it was not the healthiest of educations; +and my nervous system, developed too early, always remained very +sensitive. It seems strange that these influences were neither so deep +nor so lasting as might have been expected. That I did not become an +artist is owing, may be, to a lack of gifts that way,--although my +drawing and music masters opined differently; but how was it that +neither my father nor the priest was able to imbue me with that +love of art for art's sake? Have I a feeling for art? Yes. Is art a +necessity of my life? Yes, again. But they loved it; I only feel it as +a _dilettante_; it is a necessity in so far as it complements every +kind of pleasant and delightful sensation. It is one of my delights, +but not an all-absorbing passion; I should not like to live without +it, but could not devote my whole life to it. + +As the schools at Rome left much to be desired, my father sent me to +a college in Metz, where I carried off honors and prizes with very +little effort. A year before the last term, I ran away to join Don +Carlos, and with Tristan's detachment wandered for some time about +the Pyrenees; until my father, with the help of the consul in Burgos, +found me, and I was sent back to Metz to be duly punished. The penalty +was not a heavy one, as my father and the teachers were secretly proud +of my escapade. A brilliant success at the examinations quickly earned +me a full absolution. + +Among my schoolfellows, whose sympathies were naturally with Don +Carlos, I henceforth passed as a hero; and as I was at the same time +one of the foremost pupils, my position as the first at school was +beyond dispute. I was growing up with the conviction that later on, in +a larger sphere, it would be the same. This opinion was shared by +my teachers and schoolfellows; and yet the fact is that many of my +schoolfellows who at one time would not have dreamed of competing with +me, occupy to-day in France high places in literary, scientific, and +political spheres; whereas I, had I to choose a profession, should +feel considerably perplexed. My social position is excellent. I +possess independent means from my mother's side, shall inherit my +father's fortune in time to come, and administer the Ploszow estate +more or less wisely, as the case may be; but the very limitation +of the work excludes all hope of distinguishing myself in life, or +playing any prominent part in it. + +I shall never be a great administrator or agriculturist; for though I +do not mean to shirk my duties, I could not devote my whole life to +them,--for the simple reason that my aspirations aim much higher. +Sometimes I ask myself whether we Ploszowskis do not delude ourselves +as to our abilities. But if such were the case, the delusion would be +only personal; other people, strangers, could not be deceived in the +same way. Besides, I know that my father is an extraordinarily gifted +man. As to myself, I will not enter more fully on the subject, as it +might appear mere boastfulness; nevertheless I have the conviction +that I could be something infinitely greater than I am. + +For instance, at Warsaw (my father and my aunt wished me to enter the +university there) Sniatynski and I were fellow-students. We both were +drawn towards literature, and tried our hand at it. I do not say I was +looked upon as the more gifted of the two, but the truth is that my +work then was considered better and more promising than Sniatynski's. +Sniatynski has for some years past occupied a prominent position in +literature, and I am still the greatly promising Pan Ploszowski, of +whom here and there people are wont to say: "If he would only take up +something!" + +Ah! there is the rub,--"if he would!" But they do not seem to take it +into account that one has to know how to will. I thought sometimes +that if I had no means of subsistence I should have to work. Certainly +I should have to do something in order to earn my bread; but even +then I am firmly convinced I should not derive the twentieth part of +advantage from my capacities. Besides, such men as Darwin or Buckle +were rich; Sir John Lubbock is a banker; most of the known men in +France are in easy circumstances. This proves that wealth is not a +hindrance, but rather a help towards attaining a proper standing in +the chosen field of labor. I confess that, as far as I am concerned, +it has done me some service, as it preserved my character from many a +crookedness poverty might have exposed it to. I do not mean by this +that I have a weak character,--although struggle for existence might +have made it stronger; but still I maintain that the less stony the +road, the less chance of a fall. It is not owing to constitutional +laziness, either, that I am a nullity. I possess alike a great +facility for acquiring knowledge, and a desire for it; I read much, +and have a good memory. Perhaps I could not summon energy enough for a +long, slow work, but the greater facility ought to serve instead; and +besides, there is no urgent necessity for me to write encyclopedias, +like Littré. He who cannot shine with the steady light of a sun +might at least dazzle as a meteor. But oh! that nothingness of the +past,--the most probable nothingness of the future! I am growing +peevish--and tired; and will leave off writing for to-day. + + +ROME, 10 January. + +Last night, at Count Malatesta's reception, I heard by chance these +two words: "l'improductivité Slave." I experienced the same relief as +does a nervous patient when the physician tells him that his symptoms +are common enough, and that many others suffer from the same disease. +I have many fellow-sufferers, not only among other Slavs, a race which +I know but imperfectly, but in my own country. I thought about that +"improductivité Slave" all night. He had his wits about him who summed +the thing up in two words. There is something in us,--an incapacity to +give forth all that is in us. One might say, God has given us bow and +arrow, but refused us the power to string the bow and send the arrow +straight to its aim. I should like to discuss it with my father, but +am afraid to touch a sore point. Instead of this, I will discuss it +with my diary. Perhaps it will be just the thing to give it any value. +Besides, what can be more natural than to write about what interests +me? Everybody carries within him his tragedy. Mine is this same +"improductivité slave" of the Ploszowskis. Not long ago, when +romanticism flourished in hearts and poetry, everybody carried his +tragedy draped around him as a picturesque cloak; now it is carried +still, but as a jaegervest next to the skin. But with a diary it is +different; with a diary one may be sincere. + + +ROME, 11 January. + +The few days which remain to me before my departure I will use in +retrospects of the past, until I come to note down day after day the +events of my present life. As I said before, I do not intend to +write an autobiography; who and what I am, my future life will show +sufficiently. I should not like to enter into minute details of the +past,--it is a kind of adding number to number, and a summing up. I +always hated the four rules of arithmetic, and especially the first. +But I want to have a general idea of the total, so as to have a +clearer view of myself. Therefore I go on with the mere outline. + +After having finished my studies at the university I went to an +agricultural school in France. The work there was easy enough, but it +had no special attraction for me. I did it as one who knows that this +special branch of knowledge will be useful to him, but at the same +time feels that he lowers himself to it and that it does not respond +either to his ambition or his faculties. I derived a twofold gain from +my sojourn there. Agriculture became to me familiar enough to protect +me from being cheated by any agents or bailiffs, and it strengthened +my frame so that it could withstand the life I later on led in Paris. + +The years following I spent either in Koine or in Paris, not to +mention short stays at Warsaw, where my aunt summoned me now and then +in order to introduce me to some special favorite of hers with a view +to matrimony. + +Paris and its life attracted me greatly. With the truly excellent +opinion I had then of myself, with more confidence in my intelligence +and the self-possession an independent position gives, I still played +a very unsophisticated part on this scene of the world. I began by +falling desperately in love with Mademoiselle Richemberg of the +Comédie Française, and absolutely insisted upon marrying her. I will +not dwell now upon the many tragicomic imbroglios, as I am partly +ashamed of those times, and partly inclined to laugh at them. Still +later on it happened that I took counterfeits for pure gold. The +French women, and for the matter of that, my own countrywomen, of +whatever class and in spite of all their virtues when young, remind me +of my fencing lessons. As the fencer has his hour of practice with the +foils so as to keep his hand in, so women practise with sentimental +foils. As a mere youth, fairly good looking, I was sometimes invited +to a passage of arms, and as I took the matter seriously, received +many a scratch. They were not mortal wounds and healed quickly. +Besides, everybody has to pay for his apprenticeship in this +world, especially in a world like that. My time of probation was, +comparatively speaking, a short one. Then came a period one might call +"la revanche." I paid back in the same coin, and if now and then I was +still taken in, it was with my eyes open to the fact. + +Myself of a good social standing, I came to know all shades of +society, from the old legitimist circles, where I was not a little +bored, to the new aristocracy created by the Bonapartes and the +Orléanists, representing the society, perhaps not of Paris, but let +us say, of _Nice_. Dumas the Younger, Sardou, and others, take +thence their counts, marquises, and princes, who, without historical +traditions, have titles and money in plenty, and whose principal aim +is to enjoy life. I frequented their salons mostly for the sake of +their female element. They are very subtle, the women there, with +highly strung nerves always in search for new pleasures, fresh +sensations, and truly void of any idealism. They are often as corrupt +as the novels they are reading, because their morality finds no +support either in religion or tradition. But it is a brilliant world +all the same. The hours of practice with the foils are so long +there that they look more like days and nights, and the weapons are +dangerous sometimes, as they are not blunted. There too I received a +few painful lessons until I got my hand in. It would be a sign of mere +vanity and still more of bad taste to write about my successes, and +I will only say this, that I tried to keep alive the tradition of my +father's youth. + +The lowest circles of this world slightly merge into the higher sphere +of the great _demi-monde._ This _demi-monde_ is far more dangerous +than appears on the surface because it is not in the least +commonplace. Its cynicism has a certain air of refinement and art. If +I did not leave many feathers there it must be because my beak had +acquired a certain curve and my claws had grown. Generally speaking of +the life in Paris, a man who has passed through that mill feels rather +exhausted, and what then of such as I, who leave only to go back +again? It is only later on in life we begin to understand that +triumphs like these are somewhat like the victories of Pyrrhus. My +naturally strong constitution withstood this life, but my nerves are +somewhat shattered. + +Paris, though, possesses one superiority over other centres of +civilization. I do not know of any other city in the world where the +elements of art, science, and all kinds of human ideas seem to float +in the air to be assimilated by the human brain. Almost unconsciously +it imbibes not only the newest ideas in the sphere of intellect, +but also loses some of its onesidedness, broadens out, becomes more +civilized. I say again, civilized, because in Italy, Germany, and +Poland, I met with brains and powerful brains too, but who would not +recognize any light but their own, so onesided and barbarian that for +one who did not want to sacrifice his own opinions, intercourse from +an intellectual point of view was simply impossible. + +In France and still more in Paris, similar manifestations have no +existence. As a running stream smoothes and polishes the pebbles, +rubbing them against each other, so the swift current of life rubs +off the angles from the human mind. It is obvious that under such +influences my mind became that of a civilized being, that can make due +allowance for other people's opinions; I do not utter peacock cries +when I hear of anything opposed to my views or something utterly new. +It may be that such leniency and tolerance of all opinions leads +finally to indifferentism and weakens the active principle in the +human mind, but I could not be different now. + +A certain mental current got hold of me and carried me along. If the +social circles, salons, boudoirs, and clubs took up a considerable +part of my time, they did not occupy it altogether. I made many +acquaintances in the literary and artistic world, and lived their +life, or rather I live it still. Prompted by innate curiosity I read +very much, and as I have the faculty of assimilating what I read, I +may say that I derived considerable benefit from it and am able to +keep step with every intellectual movement of the time. + +My consciousness of self is highly developed. At times I feel inclined +to send that second self to the devil, that self which does not permit +yielding to any sensation, but is always there, searching, criticising +every action, feeling, delight, or passion. "Know thyself" may be a +wise maxim, but to carry about one's self an ever watchful critic +deadens the feeling, dividing as it were your soul in two parts. To +exist in a state of mind like this is about as easy as for the bird +to fly with one wing. Besides, selfconsciousness too much developed +weakens the power of action. But for this, Hamlet would have made a +hole in his uncle in the first act, and with the greatest composure +taken possession of the throne. + +As far as I am concerned, it sometimes protects me or saves me +from heedless slips, yet more often tires me, preventing absolute +concentration upon one point of action. I carry within me two +beings,--the one that protests and criticises, the other leading only +half a life, losing gradually all power of decision. I am afraid I +shall never free myself from that yoke; on the contrary, the more my +mind expands, the more minute will be the knowledge of self, and even +on my deathbed I shall not leave off criticising the dying Ploszowski +unless disease has fogged my brain. + +I must have inherited from my father a synthetic mind, because I +always try to generalize matters, and for that reason science attracts +me more than philosophy. In my father's time philosophy embraced no +more nor less than the whole universe and all being; consequently +it had a ready answer for all questions. In our times it has become +rational in so far as to confess that it has ceased to exist in the +old meaning of the word and remains only as a philosophy of special +scientific branches. Truly, when I come to think of it it seems that +the human mind too has its tragedies, and it began by confessing its +own powerlessness. As I write a personal diary I will treat these +matters from a personal point of view. I am not a professed +philosopher, because I am nothing by profession; but as a thinking +being I am interested in the new philosophic movement; I have been +and am under its influence, and have a full right to speak about what +entered the composition, and contributed to the creation, of my moral +and intellectual being. + +To begin with, I note down that my religious belief I carried still +intact with me from Metz did not withstand the study of natural +philosophy. It does not follow that I am an atheist. Oh, no! This was +good enough in former times, when he who did not believe in spirit, +said to himself, "Matter," and that settled for him the question. +Nowadays only provincial philosophers cling to that worn-out creed. +Philosophy of our times does not pronounce upon the matter; to all +such questions it says, "I do not know!" and that "I do not know" +sinks into and permeates the mind. Nowadays psychology occupies itself +with close analysis and researches of spiritual manifestations; but +when questioned upon the immortality of the soul it says the same,--"I +do not know;" and truly it does not know, and it cannot know. And now +it will be easier to describe the state of my mind. It all lies in +these words: I do not know. In this--in the acknowledged impotence +of the human mind--lies the tragedy. Not to mention the fact that +humanity always has asked, and always will ask, for an answer, they +are truly questions of more importance than anything else in the +world. If there be something on the other side, and that something an +eternal life, then misfortunes and losses on this side are as nothing. +In this case we might exclaim with Hamlet: "Nay, then, let the devil +wear black, for I'll have a suit of sables." + +"I am content to die," says Renan; "but I should like to know whether +death will be of any use to me." + +And philosophy replies, "I do not know." + +And man beats against that blank wall, and like the bedridden sufferer +fancies, if he could lie on this or on that side, he would feel +easier. What is to be done? Are we to abuse philosophy that, instead +of building up new systems which, like a house of cards, fall at a +touch, it has confessed its impotence, and begun to search for and +classify manifestations within reach of the human intellect? Methinks +that I and everybody else has a right to say: "Philosophy, I am struck +by your common sense, admire your close analysis; but with all that, +you have made me supremely wretched. By your own confession you have +no answer for a question, to me of the greatest importance, and yet +you had power enough to destroy that faith which not only cleared up +all doubts, but soothed and comforted the soul. And do not say that, +since you do not lay down the law, you permit me to adhere to my old +beliefs. It is not true! Your method, your soul, your very essence is +doubt and criticism. This, your scientific method, this scepticism, +this criticism you have implanted in the soul till they have become a +second nature. As with lunar caustic, you have deadened the spiritual +nerves by the help of which one believes simply and without question, +so that even if I would believe I have lost the power. You permit me +to go to church if I like; but you have poisoned me with scepticism +to such a degree that I have grown sceptical even with regard to +you,--sceptical in regard to my own scepticism; and I do not know, I +do not know. I torture myself, and am maddened by the darkness." + + +ROME, 12 January. + +Yesterday I allowed myself to be carried away by my writing. But all +the same it seems to me that I laid a finger upon the rottenness of my +soul and that of humanity. There are times when I am indifferent to +these questions; then again they seem to tear at me without mercy; all +the more as those are matters kept within the privacy of the soul. +It would be better to put them aside; but they are too important for +that. We want to know what we are to expect, and arrange our life +accordingly. I have tried to say to myself: "Stop, you will never +leave that enchanted circle; why enter it at all?" I have every +qualification to render myself a well-satisfied, cheerful animal; +but I cannot always be satisfied with that. It is said the Slav +temperament has a tendency towards mysticism. I have noticed that +our greatest writers and poets end by becoming mystics. It is not +surprising that lesser minds should be now and then troubled. As to +myself I feel obliged to take notice of those inward struggles in +order to get a faithful image of myself. Perhaps I feel also the want +of justifying myself before my own conscience. For instance, with the +great "I do not know" before me, I still observe the regulations of +the Church; yet do not consider myself a hypocrite. This would be the +case if, instead of the "I do not know," I could say "I know there is +nothing." But our scepticism is not an open negation; it is rather a +sorrowful, anxious suspicion that perhaps there is nothing,--a dense +fog around our minds that stifles the breath and hides from us the +light. I therefore stretch out my hands towards that sun that maybe +shines beyond the mist. I fancy that not I alone am in that position, +and that of all those who go to church and mass on Sundays the prayers +might be condensed in these words: "O God! lift the mist!" + +I cannot write coldly or dispassionately about all this. I keep +religious observances for the simple reason that I long to believe, +and since the sweet teaching of my childhood tells me that faith is a +gift of grace, I am waiting for that grace. I am waiting that it may +be given unto me; that my soul may believe unquestioningly, even as it +believed in childhood. Those are my motives; no self-interest prompts +me; it would be much easier to be a cheerful, contented animal. Since +I am justifying my outward semblance of piety, I have some other less +noble and more practical reasons. From the days of my childhood I have +been accustomed to keep certain rules, and they have grown into a +habit. Henry the Fourth said Paris was well worth a mass; so say I +that the peace of those nearest is worth a mass; people of my class, +as a rule, observe religious prescriptions, and I should protest +against the outward symbols only in such a case if I could find +something more conclusive to say than "I do not know." I go to church +because I am a sceptic in regard to my own scepticism. It is not a +comfortable feeling, and my soul drags one wing along the earth. +But it would be much worse with me if I always pondered over these +questions so earnestly as I have done while writing these last pages. +Fortunately for me this is not the case. I have mentioned already that +at times I am indifferent to them. Life carries me along, and although +in the main I know what to think of its hollow pleasures, I give +myself up to it altogether, and then the moral "to be, or not to be" +has no meaning for me. A strange thing, about the power of which not +much has been said, is the influence of social suggestion on the mind. +In Paris, for instance, I feel happier not only because the continual +mill deafens me,--I am swallowed up by the surging masses, and my +mind is diverted by tricks of the fencing ring,--but also because the +people there, without being conscious of it, live as if it were worth +their while to put all their energies into this life, and as if beyond +there was nothing but a chemical process. My pulse begins to beat in +unison with theirs; I feel myself in harmony with my surroundings; +amuse myself or bore myself, conquer or am conquered, but enjoy a +comparative rest. + + +ROME, BABUINO, 13 January. + +I have only four days left before my departure, and will now sum up +what I said about myself. I am an individual rather worn out, very +sensitive, and of a highly nervous temperament. I have a strongly +developed consciousness of self, seconded by comparative culture, and +taken altogether, may consider myself an intellectually developed +being. + +My scepticism debars me from all firm convictions. I look, observe, +criticise, sometimes fancy I get hold of some essential truth, but +am ready always to doubt even that. I have already said all that was +necessary in reference to religion. As to my social creed I am a +conservative so far as a man in my position is bound to be, and so +far as conservatism suits me. No need to mention that I am far from +considering conservatism as a dogma, which no one is allowed to touch +or to criticise. I am too much civilized to take a party view of +either aristocracy or democracy. I leave that as a pastime to those +who live in the country, or in remote places where ideas, like +fashions, are some ten years late. From the time when privileges were +done away with, the question has been closed; but in remoter parts, +where the world remains more or less stagnant, it has become not +so much a question of principle as rather a question of vanity and +nerves. In regard to myself, I like well-bred people,--people with +brains and nerves, and look for them where they are most readily +found. I like them as I like works of art, fine scenery, and beautiful +women. From an aesthetic point of view, I possess refined nerves,--too +refined, perhaps, owing to my early training and a naturally +impressionable temperament. This aesthetic sensitiveness gives me +as many delights as torments, and renders me one great service: it +preserves me from cynicism or otherwise extreme corruption, and serves +me instead of moral principle. I recoil from many things, not because +they are wicked, but because they are ugly. From my aesthetic nerves I +derive also a certain delicacy of feeling. Taken all in all, it seems +to me that I am a man a little marred by life, decent enough though to +say the truth, rather floating in mid-air because not supported by any +dogma, either social or religious. I am also without an aim to which I +could devote my life. + +One word more about my abilities before concluding the synthesis. My +father, my aunt, my colleagues, and sometimes strangers, consider them +simply prodigious. I allow that my intellect has a certain glitter. +But will the _improductivité Slave_ scatter all the hopes invested in +me? Considering all I have, or rather have not done up to this day, +either for others or myself, I feel inclined to think that such +will be the case. This confession costs me more than appears on the +surface. My irony when I think of myself tastes bitter on the palate. +There was something barren in the clay from which God formed the +Ploszowskis, since on that soil everything springs up and grows so +luxuriously, yet produces no fruit. Truly, if with this barrenness, +this powerlessness to act, I possessed the abilities of a genius, it +would be a strange kind of genius,--a genius without portfolio, as +there are ministers of state without portfolio. + +This definition, "a genius without portfolio" seems to fit me to +perfection. I shall take out a patent of invention for the word. But +the definition does not apply to me alone. Its name is legion. Side +by side with the _improductivité Slave_ goes the genius without +portfolio; it is a pure product of the Slav soil. Once more I say its +name is legion. I do not know another part of the world where so much +ability is wasted, in which even those who bring forth something give +so little, so incredibly little, in comparison with what God gave +them. + + +ROME, BABUINO, 14 January. + +Another letter from my aunt urging me to come. I am coming, I am +coming, dear aunt, though God knows I am doing it out of love for you; +otherwise I should greatly prefer to remain where I am. My father +seems not well; from time to time he feels a strange numbness on +the whole of his left side. At my urgent entreaties he has seen a +physician, but I am quite sure the physic he received is safely stowed +away in a cupboard, according to an old custom he has. Once he opened +the mysterious receptacle and showed me a whole collection of bottles, +pill-boxes, and powders, saying: "For mercy's sake! this would kill +a strong man, let alone a sick one." Up to now, this quaint way of +looking upon medicine has not done him any harm, but I am troubled +about the future. Another reason for my unwillingness to go is my +aunt's plan of campaign. Of course she is anxious to see me married. I +do not know whether she has anything definite in view. God grant I +may be wrong; but she does not deny the intention. "About an eligible +_parti_ like you," she writes, "there will be at once a war of the +roses, you may be sure of that." I am tired and do not wish for any +war, and least of all to end it like Henry VII. by a marriage. On the +other hand,--I dare not tell my aunt, but may confess it to myself,--I +do not like Polish women. I am thirty-five, and like other men that +live much in society, I had my sentimental passages, among others, +with Polish women, and from these encounters I carried away the +impression that they are the most impossible and most wearying women +in the world. I do not know whether, generally speaking, they are more +virtuous than their French or Italian sisters; I only know that they +are more pathetic. The very remembrance of it gives me a creepy +sensation. I can understand an elegy over a broken pitcher when you +behold the shards for the first time; but to go on with the same +pathos over a much mended pitcher, looks more like a comic opera. A +pleasant role that of the listener, whom courtesy bids to take it +seriously. + +Strange, fantastic women with fiery imagination and cold temperaments! +In their sentiments there is neither cheerfulness nor even simplicity. +They are in love with the outward forms of love, caring less for +its intrinsic value. With French or Italian women after the first +skirmishes, you may be sure of your "ergo." With a Pole it is +different. Somebody said that if a man is mistaken and says two and +two makes five, you may be able to set him right; a woman says two and +two is a lamp, and you come against a blank wall. In a Polish woman's +logic two and two may be not four, but a lamp, love, hatred, a cat, +tears, duty, scorn; in brief, you cannot foresee anything, calculate +upon anything, or guard against anything. It may be, after all, +because of these very pitfalls that their virtue is better guarded +than that of other women, if only for the reason that the beleaguering +forces get mortally tired. But what struck me, and what I resented +most, is that those pitfalls, barricades, and the whole array of +defence are not so much erected for the repulse of the enemy as to +give them the sensation of warfare. I spoke of this in a roundabout +way with a clever woman only half a Pole, for her father was an +Italian. + +She listened to me for a while, then said at last:-- + +"It seems to me you are very much like the fox looking at the +dovecote. He does not like, and it makes him wroth, to see the doves +dwelling so high, and unlike the hens, always on the wing. All you +have said tells in favor of Polish women." + +"How do you make that out?" + +"The more a Polish woman seems intolerable as somebody else's wife, +the more desirable she is to have for one's own." + +She had driven me into a corner, and I could not find an answer. +Perhaps she is right, and I look upon it from a fox's point of view. +There is also not the slightest doubt that if I were to marry, +especially a Pole, I not only should search for her among the high +flying doves, but I should choose a perfectly white one. + +But I am like the chickens when asked in what sauce they would like to +be served; I do not want to be dished up at all. Now, to return to my +grievance against you, dear ladies, you are before everything in love +with love, and not with the lover. Every one of you is a queen in her +own rights, and in this you differ from other women; every one seems +to confer a boon and a favor in permitting herself to be loved; none +agrees to be only an addition or completion of a man's life, who, +besides matrimony, has some other aims in life. You want us to live +for you, instead of living for us. Last, but not least, you love your +children more than your husband. His final fate is that of a satellite +turning forever round in the same orbit. I have seen this and noticed +it very often in a general way; but now and then there happens to +be found a pure diamond too among the chaff. No, my queens and +princesses, permit me to worship you from a safe distance. + +Fancy putting aside all other aims, all ideals, in order to burn +incense every day at the shrine of a woman, and that woman one's own +wife. No, dear ladies, that is not sufficient to fill a man's life. + +Nevertheless, that second self sometimes mutters, "And what else is +there for you to do? If, anybody it is you who are fittest for the +sacrifice, for what are your aims or your intentions? No! the deuce +and all! To change the whole tenor of one's life, renounce old habits, +comforts, pleasures, it must be a great love, indeed, that could +induce me to such a venture. Marriage means a most amazing act of +faith in a woman, I could never summon courage enough to commit. No, +most decidedly, I do not wish to be served up in any sauce whatever." + + +WARSAW, 21 January. + +I arrived here to-day. I broke my journey at Vienna which made it less +tiring, but my nerves do not let me sleep, so I take up my journal +which has grown as a friend to me. What joy there was in the house +at my arrival, and what a dear, kind soul that aunt of mine is! I do +believe she is awake now for very joy. She could scarcely eat any +dinner. When in the country at Ploszow, she is continually wrangling +with her land-agent, Pan Chwastowski, a burly old nobleman who does +not give in to her one whit. Sometimes their disputes reach to such +a pitch that a catastrophe seems imminent; then suddenly my aunt +relaxes, falls to with an appetite and eats her dinner with a certain +determination. To-day she had only the servants to scold, and that was +not sufficient to give her an appetite. She was in capital spirits +though, and the loving glances she bestowed on me beggar description. +In intimate circles I am called my aunt's fetich, which makes her very +angry. + +Of course my fears and presentiments have not deceived me. There are +not only plans, but also a definite object. After dinner my aunt is +in the habit of walking up and down the room, and often thinks aloud. +Therefore, in spite of the mystery she deems fit to surround herself +with, I heard the following monologue:-- + +"He is young, handsome, rich, intelligent; she would be a fool if she +did not fall in love with him at once." + +To-morrow I am to go to a picnic the gentlemen are giving for the +ladies. They say it is going to be a grand entertainment. + + +WARSAW, 25 January. + +I am often bored at balls. As a _homo sapiens_ and an _éligible +parti_, I abhor them; as an artist, that is, artist without portfolio, +I now and then like them. What a splendid sight, for instance, that +broad staircase well lit up, where, amid a profusion of flowers the +women ascend to the ball-room. They all appear tall, and when not seen +from below (because the training robes destroy the illusion) they +remind one of the angels on Jacob's ladder. I like the motion, the +light, the flowers, and the gauzy material which enwraps the young +girls as in a soft mist; and then those shoulders, necks, and arms +which released from the warm cloaks seem at once to grow firm and +crisp as marble. My sense of smell, too, is gratified, for I delight +in good perfumes. + +The picnic was a great success. To give Staszewski his due, he knows +how to arrange these things. I arrived together with my aunt, but lost +sight of her in the entrance hall, for Staszewski himself came down to +lead her upstairs. The dear old lady had on her ermine cloak she uses +on great occasions, and which her friends call her robe of state. When +I entered the ballroom I remained near the door and looked around. +What a strange sensation when, after a long interval, one comes back +to once familiar scenes. I feel I am a part of them, and yet I look at +them and criticise them as if I were a stranger. Especially the women +attracted my attention,--I must admit, fastidious as I am, that our +society is very choice. I saw pretty faces and plain faces, but all +stamped with the same well-bred refinement. The necks and shoulders, +in spite of the softly rounded contours, simply reminded me of Sevres +china. There is a restful elegance, something daintily finished, in +all of them. Truly, they do not imitate Europe,--they are Europe. + +I remained there about a quarter of an hour indolently musing which of +all these dainty damsels my aunt had chosen for me, when Sniatynski +and his wife came up. I had seen him only a few months ago at Rome, +and had known her, too, for some time. I like her very much; she has a +sweet face and belongs to those exceptional Poles that do not absorb +their husband's whole life, but surrender their own. Presently a young +girl slipped in between us, and while greeting Pani Sniatynska, put +out a small hand encased in a white kid glove and said:-- + +"Don't you know me, Leon?" + +I felt slightly perplexed at this question, for indeed I did not know +who it was that greeted me thus familiarly; but not wishing to seem +rude, I smiled and pressed the little hand, saying, "Of course I do." +I must have looked a little foolish because, presently Pani Sniatynska +burst out laughing and said, "But he does not recognize you; it is +Aniela P." + +Aniela, my cousin! No wonder I did not recognize her. The last time +I saw her, some ten or eleven years ago at Ploszow, she wore a short +frock and pink stockings. I remember the midges had stung her about +the legs, and she stamped on the ground like a little pony. How could +I dream that these white shoulders, this breast covered with violets, +this pretty face with the dark eyes, in short, this girl in the full +bloom of maidenhood, was the same as the little wagtail on thin feet +I had known formerly. How pretty she had grown; a fine butterfly +had come from that chrysalis. I renewed my greeting very heartily. +Afterwards when the Sniatynskis had left us she told me that my aunt +and her mother had sent her to fetch me. I offered my arm and we went +across the room. + +All at once it burst in upon me. It was she, Aniela, my aunt had in +her mind. That then was the secret, the surprise meant for me. My aunt +always used to be fond of her, and troubled herself not a little over +Pani P.'s financial difficulties. I only wondered why these ladies +were not stopping with my aunt; but I did not ponder over it long; I +preferred to look at Aniela, who naturally interested me more than the +average girl. As we had to make our way to the other end of the +room and the crush was great, I had ample time for conversation and +scrutiny. Fashion this year has it that gloves should be worn halfway +up the elbow, so I noticed that the arm which rested on mine had a +slightly dusky shade, covered as it was with a light down. And yet she +could not be called a brunette. Her hair is a light brown with a gleam +of bronze. Her eyes are light too, but appear dark, shaded as they are +by long eyelashes; the eyebrows, on the contrary, are dark and very +pretty. The characteristic of this little head with the low brow is +that exuberance of hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, and that down, which +on the face is very slight. This at some future time may spoil her +beauty, but at present she is so young that it points only to an +exuberance of organism, and shows that she is not a doll, but a woman +full of warm, active life. + +I do not deny that, fastidious as are my nerves and not easily +thrilled, I fell under a spell. She is my type exactly. My aunt, who, +if she ever heard about Darwin would call him a wicked writer, has +unconsciously adopted his theory of natural selection. Yes, she is my +type. They have baited the hook this time with a dainty morsel. + +An electric current seemed to pass from her arm into mine. Besides I +noticed that she too seemed pleased with me, and that naturally raises +one's spirits. My scrutiny from an artistic point of view proved +highly satisfactory. There are faces that seem to be a translation +from music or poetry into human shape. Such a face is Aniela's. There +is nothing commonplace about it. As children are inoculated for +small-pox so the upper classes inoculate modesty in their girls; there +is something so very innocent in this face, but through that very +innocence peeps out a warm temperament. What a combination!--as if +some one said, "An innocent Satan!" + +Unsophisticated as Aniela is, she is yet a little bit of a coquette, +and quite conscious of her attractions. Knowing for instance that she +has beautiful eyelashes, she very often drops her eyes. She has also +a graceful way of lifting her head and looking at the person she +is speaking to. In the beginning she was slightly artificial, from +shyness I fancy, but soon afterwards we chatted together as if we had +never been separated since those times at Ploszow. My aunt is highly +amusing with her absentmindedness, but I should not care to have her +for a fellow-conspirator. Scarcely had we approached the two elderly +ladies and I exchanged greetings with Aniela's mother, when my aunt, +noticing my animation, turned to her companion and said aloud, "How +pretty she looks in those violets! It was, after all, a happy thought +that he should see her the first time at a ball." + +Aniela's mother grew very confused, and so did Aniela, and the truth +began to dawn upon me why it was the ladies were not staying with my +aunt. This had been Pani P.'s idea; she and my aunt had been plotting +together. I suppose Aniela had not been taken into confidence, but +thanks to female perspicacity could not help guessing how matters +stood. + +To put an end to the embarrassing situation I turned to her and said, +"I warn you that I am not very proficient at dancing, but as they will +carry you off any moment, will you grant me a waltz?" + +Aniela for all answer handed me her tablets and said resolutely, "Put +down as many as you like." + +I confess that I do not like the rôle of a puppet pulled by a string, +therefore I resolved to take an active part in the old ladies' +politics. I took the tablets and wrote, "Did you understand that they +want us to marry?" + +Aniela read it and changed color. She remained silent for a moment, +as if not trusting her voice, or hesitating what to say; at last she +lifted her eyelashes and looking straight into my eyes she replied, +"Yes." + +It was now her turn to question me, not in words but with her eyes. I +already knew I had made a favorable impression on her, and if she had +an inkling of the truth her mind must needs dwell a good deal on me. +I interpreted the look of her eyes thus: "I am aware my mother and my +aunt want us to become acquainted, to know each other well. And you?" + +Instead of an answer I put my arm around her waist, and lightly +drawing her towards me, led her into the mazes of a waltz. I +remembered my fencing practice. + +A mute answer could not but stir up fancies in a girl's mind, +especially after what I had written on the tablets. I thought to +myself: "What harm is there if her fancy turns into my direction? As +far as I am concerned I shall not go a step further than I intend, +and if her fancy travels further I cannot help it." Aniela dances +exquisitely, and she danced this waltz as a woman should, with a +certain vehemence and self-abandon at the same time. I noticed that +the violets on her breast rose and fell far quicker than the quiet +step of the dance warranted. I understood that she felt agitated. Love +is a law of nature, kept under control by a careful bringing-up. But +once the girl is told that she may love this one or that, the chance +is she will obey very readily. Aniela evidently expected that after +I had been bold enough to write those few words I would allude to it +further, but I kept aloof on purpose to leave her in suspense. + +I wished also to look at her from a distance. Decidedly she is my +type. Women of that kind have a special attraction for me. Oh, if only +she were thirty, and not a girl they expect me to marry! + + +WARSAW, 30 January. + +They have come to stay with us. Yesterday I spent all the day with +Aniela. She has more pages to her soul than most girls at her age. On +many of these pages the future will write, but there is room for many +beautiful things. She feels and understands everything, and is an +excellent listener, and follows the conversation with her large, +intelligent eyes. A woman that can listen possesses one more +attraction, because she flatters man's vanity. I do not know whether +Aniela is conscious of this, or whether it be her womanly instinct. +Maybe she has heard so much about me from my aunt that she deems every +word I say an oracle. She is decidedly not without coquetry. To-day +I asked her what she wished for most in life. She answered, "To see +Rome;" then her eyelashes fell, and she looked indescribably pretty. +She sees that I like her, and it makes her happy. Her coquetry is +charming, because it comes straight from a delighted heart, and tries +to please the chosen object. I have not the slightest doubt that her +heart is fluttering towards me, as a moth flutters into the candle. +Poor child! she feels the elders have given their mute consent, and +she obeys only too willingly. I can watch the process from hour to +hour. + +Perhaps I ought to inquire of myself, "If you do not want to marry +her, why are you trying to make her love you?" But I do not choose to +answer that question. I feel at peace here, and restful! After +all, what is it I am doing? I try not to appear more foolish or +disagreeable or less courteous than I am by nature, that is all. + +Aniela appeared to-day at breakfast in a loose sailor-dress, +which only just betrayed the outline of her shape, and she looked +bewitching. Her eyes were still full of dreaminess and sleep. It is +something wonderful what an impression she is making on me. + + +31 January. + +My aunt is giving an entertainment in honor of Aniela. I am +paying visits and leaving cards right and left. I called upon the +Sniatynskis, and sat with them for a long time, because I feel there +at home. Sniatynski and his wife are always wrangling with each other, +but their life is different from that of most other married people. +As a rule, it happens when there is one cloak, each tries to get +possession of it; these two dispute because he wishes her to have +it, and she wants it all for him. I like them immensely,--it is so +refreshing to see there is still happiness out of novels. With all +that, he is so clever; as sensitive as a Stradivarius violin, and +quite conscious of his happiness. He wanted it, and has got it. I envy +him. I always used to like his conversation. They offered me some +black coffee; it is only at literary people's houses one can get such +coffee. He asked me what I thought of Warsaw after so long an absence. +There was also some talk about the ball, especially from the lady's +part. She seems to guess something about my aunt's plans, and wants to +have one of her rosy fingers in the pie,--especially as she comes from +the same part of the country as Aniela. + +We touched personal matter very slightly, but had a lively discussion +about society in general. I told him what I thought about its +refinement; and as Sniatynski, though he criticises it himself +mercilessly, is always greedy to hear its praises sung, it put him +into capital spirits. + +"I like to hear you say so," he remarked, "as you have so many chances +to make comparisons, and are rather inclined to look at the world from +a pessimist's point of view." + +"I do not know whether what I just said does not lean that way." + +"How do you prove that?" asked Sniatynski, quickly. + +"You see, refined culture might be compared to cases with glass and +china, upon which is written, 'Fragile.' For you, a spiritual son of +Athens, for me and a few others, it is pleasant to be in touch with +it; but if you want to build anything on such foundation, you will +find the beams coming down on your head. Don't you think those refined +_dilettanti_ of life are bound to get the worst in a struggle with a +people of strong nerves, a tough skin, and iron muscles?" + +Sniatynski, who is very lively, jumped up and walked about the room, +then rushed at me impetuously. "You have seen only one side of the +picture, and not the best one, either; do not think there is nothing +more to be seen. You come from abroad, and pronounce judgment upon us +as if you had lived here all your life." + +"I do not know what else there may be, but I know that nowhere in the +world is there such a vast difference between the classes. On one +side, the most refined culture,--over-refined, if anything; on the +other, absolute barbarism and ignorance." + +A long discussion followed, and it was dusk before I left them. He +said if I came oftener to see them, he would show me the connecting +link between the two classes, introduce me to men who were neither +over-refined, ignorant, nor sickening with dilettantism, but strong +men, who knew what they wanted, and were going straight for it. + +When I was going away, Sniatynski called out after me: + +"From such as you nothing good will come, but your children may +be men; but you and such like must lose every penny you possess, +otherwise even your grandchildren will do nothing useful." + +I still think that on the whole I was right. I have taken special +notice of this conversation, as this discrepancy has occupied my +thoughts ever since my arrival. The fact is that between the classes +there is a vast gulf that precludes all mutual understanding, and +makes simultaneous efforts simply impossible. At least, I look upon +it in that light. Sèvres china and common clay,--nothing between; one +_très fragile_, the other, Ovidius's "rudis indigestaque moles." Of +course Sèvres china sooner or later breaks, and from the clay the +future may mould anything it likes. + + +2 February. + +Yesterday my aunt's entertainment took place. Aniela was the cynosure +of every eye. Her white shoulders peeping out from a cloud of muslin, +gauze, or whatever it is called, she looked like a Venus rising from +the foam. I fancy it is already gossiped about that I am going to +marry her. I noticed that her eyes often strayed in my direction, and +she listened to her partners with an absent, distracted expression. + +Guileless child! she cannot hide the truth, and shows so plainly what +is going on in her heart that I could not help seeing it, unless I +were blind. And she is so humble and quietly happy when I am with her! +I like her immensely, and begin to waver. Sniatynski is so happy in +his home life! It is not the first time I have asked myself whether +Sniatynski be more foolish or wiser than I. Of the many problems of +life, I have not solved one. I am nothing; scepticism is sapping +my whole system; I am not happy, and am very tired. He, with less +knowledge than I, does useful work, has a good and handsome wife, the +rogue! and his very philosophical principles, adapted to life, help to +make him happy. No, it must be acknowledged, it is I who am the more +foolish of the two. + +The keynote of Sniatynski's philosophy is found in his dogmas of life. +Before he was married he said to me: "There are two things I never +approach with scepticism, and do not criticise: to me as a literary +man, the community is a dogma; as a private individual, the beloved +woman." I thought to myself then: "My mind is bolder,--it analyzes +even that." But I see now that this boldness has not led me to +anything. And how lovely she is,--that little dogma of mine with the +long eyelashes! Decidedly, I am going the way I did not mean to go. +The singular attraction which draws me towards her cannot be explained +by the law of natural selection. Ho! there is something more, and I +know what it is. She loves me with all the freshness of her honest +heart, as I was never loved before. How different from the fencing +practice of former years, when thrusts were dealt or guarded against! +The woman who is much liked, and who in her turn loves, is sure to win +in the end if she perseveres. + +"The stray bird," says the poet Slowacki, "comes back to his haven +of rest and peace all the more eagerly after the lonesomeness of his +stormy flight. Nothing takes so firm a hold upon a man's heart as the +consciousness that he is loved." + +A few pages before, I wrote God knows what about Polish women; but if +any one fancies that for the sake of a few written sentences I feel +myself bound to pursue a certain course, he is vastly mistaken. + +How that girl satisfies my artistic taste is simply wonderful. After +the ball, came the pleasantest moment when, everybody gone, we sat +down and had some tea. Wanting to see how the world looked outside, I +drew back the heavy curtains. It was eight o'clock in the morning and +a flood of daylight poured into the room. It was so perfectly blue, +seen by the glare of the lamps, that it reminded me of the Capri +grotto. And there stood Aniela, with that blue haze around her white +shoulders. She looked so lovely that all my resolutions tottered and +fell to pieces; I felt positively grateful to her for this glimpse of +beauty, as if it were her doing. I pressed her hand more tenderly than +I had ever done before when saying good-night to her. + +"Good-morning, you mean, not good-night,--good-morning." + +Either I am blind and deaf or her eyes and voice expressed: "I love +you, I love you." + +I do the same--almost. + +My aunt looking at us gave a low grunt of contentment. I saw tears +shining in her eyes. + +To-morrow we leave here for Ploszow. + + +PLOSZOW, 5 February. + +This is my second day in the country. We had a splendid drive. The +weather was clear and frosty. The snow creaked under the runners of +the sledge and glittered and sparkled in the fields. Towards sunset +the vast plain assumed pink and purple shades. The rooks, cawing and +flapping their wings, flew in and out the lime trees. Winter, the +strong, homely winter, is a beautiful thing. There is a certain vigor +in it, and dignity, and what is more, so much sincerity. Like a true +friend, who, regardless as to consequences, hurls cutting truths, +it smites you between the eyes without asking leave. By way of +compensation it bestows upon you some of its own vigor. We were all +of us glad to leave the town--the elder ladies, that their pet scheme +might be brought to a climax by closer companionship; I, because I was +near Aniela; she, maybe for the same reason, felt happy too. She bent +down several times to kiss my aunt's hands, apropos of nothing, out +of sheer content. She looked very pretty in a long, fluffy boa and +a coquettish fur cap, from under which the dark eyes and the almost +childish face peeped forth. + +How young she looks. + +I feel at home in Ploszow, it is so quiet and restful; and I like the +huge, old-fashioned chimneys. The woods are to my aunt as the apple of +her eye, but she does not grudge herself fuel; and big logs, which are +crackling and burning there from morning until night, make it look +bright and cheerful. We sat around the fire the whole afternoon. I +brought out some of my reminiscences, and told them about Rome and its +treasures. The three women listened with such devoutness that it made +me feel ridiculous in my own eyes. From time to time, while I was +talking, my aunt cast a searching glance at Aniela to see whether she +expressed enough admiration. But there is too much of that already. +Yesterday she said to me:-- + +"Another man might spend there his whole life and not see half the +beautiful things you do." + +My aunt added with dogmatic firmness,-- + +"I have always said so." + +It is as well that there is not another sceptic here, for his presence +would embarrass me not a little. + +A certain dissonant chord in our little circle is Aniela's mother. The +poor soul has had so many sorrows and anxieties that her cheerfulness, +if ever she had any, is a thing of the past. She is simply afraid of +the future, and instinctively suspects pitfalls even in good fortune. +She was very unhappy in her married life, and afterwards has had +continual worries about her estate, which is very much involved. In +addition to all this she suffers from nervous headaches. + +Aniela belongs to that category of women who never trouble themselves +about money matters. I like her for that, for it proves that she +thinks of higher things. For the matter of that, everything in her +pleases and delights me now. + +Tenderness grows on the soil of attraction by the senses, as quick +as flowers after a warm rain. To-day, in the morning, I saw the maid +carrying up her gown and boots; this moved me very much, especially +the little, little boots, as if the wearing of them was the crown of +all virtues in Aniela. + +PLOSZOW, 8 or 9 February. + +My aunt has taken up her visual warfare with Pan Chwastowski. This +is such an original habit of hers that I must describe one of their +disputes. The dear lady can evidently not exist without it, or at +least not enjoy her dinner; Chwastowski, again, who, by the bye, is an +excellent manager, is a compound of brimstone and saltpetre, and does +not allow anybody to thwart him; therefore the quarrels sometimes +reach the acute state. When entering the dining-room they eye each +other with suspicious glances. The first shot is fired by my aunt +while eating her soup. + +"It is a very long time, Pan Chwastowski, since I heard anything +about the winter crops, and Pan Chwastowski, instead of giving me the +information, speaks about anything but what I want to know." + +"They were very promising in autumn, my lady; now they are covered by +a yard or two of snow,--how am I to know the state they are in? I am +not the Lord Almighty." + +"I beg of you, Pan Chwastowski, not to take the Lord's name in vain." + +"I do not look under His snow, therefore do not offend Him." + +"Do you mean to insinuate that I do?" + +"Most certainly." + +"Pan Chwastowski, you are unbearable." + +"Oho! bearable enough because he bears a great deal." + +In this or that way the screw goes round. There is scarcely a meal but +they have some differences. Then my aunt at last subsides, and seems +to wreak the remnants of her anger on the dinner. She enjoys a hearty +appetite. As the dinner goes on she gradually brightens up and +recovers her usual spirits. After dinner, I offer my arm to Aniela's +mother, my aunt accepts Pan Chwastowski's, and presently they sip +their black coffee in peace and perfect amity. My aunt inquires after +his sons, and he kisses her hands. I saw those sons of his when they +were at the university, and I hear they are promising young men, but +great radicals. + +Aniela used to get frightened at first at these prandial disputes, +until I gave her the clue to the real state of things. So now when +the first signal of battle is given, she looks at me slyly from under +those long lashes, and there is a little smile lurking in the corners +of her mouth. She is so pretty then I feel tempted to take her in +my arms. I have never met a woman with such delicate veins on her +temples. + + +12 February. + +Truly a metamorphosis of Ovidius on the earth and within me! The frost +has gone, the fine weather vanished, and there is Egyptian darkness. I +cannot describe it better than by saying the weather is foul. What an +abominable climate! In Rome, at the worst, the sun shines at intervals +half a dozen times a day; here lamps ought to be lit these two days. +The black, heavy mist seems to permeate one's thoughts, and paint them +a uniform gray. My aunt and Pan Chwastowski were more intent than +usual upon warfare. He maintained that my aunt, by not allowing the +woods to be touched, causes the timber to spoil; my aunt replied that +others did their best to cut down all the timber, and not a bit of +forest would soon be left in the country. "I am getting old; let +the trees grow old too." This reminds me of the nobleman of vast +possessions who only allowed as much land to be cultivated as to where +the bark of his dog could be heard. + +Aniela's mother, without intending it, gave me to-day a bad quarter of +an hour. Alone with me in the conservatory, she began telling me, with +maternal boastfulness, that an acquaintance of mine, a certain Pan +Kromitzki, had made overtures for Aniela's hand. + +I had a sensation as if somebody tried to remove a splinter from my +flesh with a fork. As the blue waves of light had stirred up within me +a tender feeling for Aniela,--although it was no merit of hers,--so +now the wooing of such a man as Kromitzki threw cold water upon the +nascent affections. I know that ape Kromitzki, and do not like him. He +comes from Austrian Silesia, where it seems they had owned estates. +In Rome he used to say that his family had borne the title of count +already in the fifteenth century, and at the hotels put himself down +as "Graf von Kromitzki." But for his small, black eyes, not unlike +coffee-berries, and his black hair, his head looks as if cut out +from a cheese-rind,--for such is his complexion. He reminds me of a +death's-head, and I simply have a physical loathing for him. Ugh! how +the thought of him in connection with Aniela has spoiled her image. +I am quite aware that she is in no way responsible for Kromitzki's +intentions; but it has damaged her in my eyes. I do not know why her +mother should think it necessary to tell me these details; if it be a +warning, it has missed its aim. She must have some grand qualities, +this Pani P., since she has managed to steer her life through so many +difficulties, and at the same time educated her daughter so well; but +she is clumsy and tedious with her headaches and her macaronism. + +"I confess," she said, "that the alliance suited me. At times I almost +break down under the weight of troubles. I am a woman with little +knowledge of business, and what I acquired I have paid for with my +health; but I had to think of my child. Kromitzki is very clever. He +has large concerns at Odessa, and is at present engaged in some large +speculations in naphtha at Baku, or some such place, 'que sais-je.' It +seems there is some difficulty about his not being a Russian subject. +If he married Aniela he might clear the estate; and as an extensive +landowner he would have no difficulty in getting naturalized." + +"What does Aniela say to this?" I asked impatiently. + +"She does not care for him, but is a good and obedient child. I am +anxious to see her married before I die." + +I did not care to prolong the conversation, which irritated me more +than I can tell; and though I understand well enough, if that match +has not been arranged, it was Aniela's doing, yet I feel aggrieved +that she should allow a man like that even to look at her. For me this +would be a mere question of nerves. I forget, however, that others +are not constituted like me, and that Kromitzki, in spite of his +cadaverous face, passes among women as a good-looking man. + +I wonder what his affairs are. I forgot to ask whether he is at +Warsaw; most likely he is, as he goes there every winter. As to his +business, it may be very magnificent, but I doubt whether it be on a +solid basis. I am not a speculator, and could not for the life of me +transact a stock-exchange affair; but I am shrewd enough to know +it. Besides I am a close observer, and quick to draw conclusions. +Therefore I do not believe in noblemen with a genius for speculation. +I am afraid Kromitzki's is neither an inherited nor innate quality, +but a neurosis driving him into a certain direction. I have seen +examples of that kind. Now and then blind fortune favors the +nobleman-speculator, and he accumulates wealth; but I have not seen +one who did not come to grief before he died. + +Capacities such as these are either inherited or acquired by early +training. Chwastowski's boys will be able to do something in that way +because their father lost by accident all his fortune, and they +have to make a fresh start. But he who with ready capital, without +commercial tradition or professional knowledge, embarks upon commerce, +is bound to come to grief. Speculation cannot be based upon illusions, +and there is too much of that in the speculations of our noblemen. +Upon the whole, I wish Pan von Kromitzki every luck! + + +14 February. + +Pax! pax! pax! The painful impression has vanished. What keen +perceptions Aniela has! I endeavored to be cheerful, though I felt out +of spirits, and I do not think there was any perceptible change in my +behavior; yet she perceived a change at once. To-day, when we looked +at the albums and were alone,--which happens pretty often, on purpose +I suppose,--she grew embarrassed and changed color. I saw at once she +wanted to say something, and did not dare. For a single moment the mad +thought flashed across my brain that she was about to confess her love +for me. But as quick as the thought, I remembered it was a Polish girl +I had before me. A mere chit of a girl--I beg her pardon, a young +princess,--would rather die than be the first to confess her love. +When asked she gives her assent rather as a favor. Besides, Aniela +very quickly corrected my mistake; suddenly closing the album she said +in a hesitating voice: "What is the matter with you, Leon? There is +something the matter, is there not?" + +I began assuring her at once that there was nothing the matter with +me, and to laugh away her perturbation; but she only shook her head +and said: "I have seen that something was amiss these last two days. I +know that men like you may be easily offended, and I have asked myself +whether anything I might have done or said--" Her voice shook a +little, but she looked straight at me. + +"I have not hurt you, have I?" + +There was a moment I felt tempted to say, "If there is anything +wanting to my happiness it is you, Aniela, only you;" but a sudden +terror clutched me by the hair. Not terror of her, but of the +consequences that might follow. I took her hand, kissed it, and said +in the most cheerful voice I could assume, "You are a good and dear +girl; do not mind me,--there is nothing whatever the matter; besides, +you are our guest, and it is I who ought to see that you are +comfortable." + +And I kissed again her hand, both hands in fact. All this could be +still put down to cousinly affection,--human nature is so mean that +the consciousness that there was still a door through which I could +escape lent me courage. I call this feeling mean for the very reason +that I am not responsible to anybody except to myself, and myself I +cannot deceive. Yet I feel that even to myself I shall not give a +strict account, because in so far as my relations to Aniela are +concerned I am carried away by my sensations. I still feel on my lips +the touch of her hand,--and my desires are simply without limit. +Sooner or later I shall myself close that door through which I could +still escape. But could I still escape? Yes, if some extraneous +circumstances came to my aid. + +In the meanwhile she loves me, and everything draws me towards her. +To-day I asked myself, "If it is to be, why put it off?" I found +a ready answer: "Because I do not want to lose any of my present +sensations; the sudden thrills, the charm of the words unspoken, the +questioning glances, the expectations. I wish to spin out the romance +to the very end. I found fault with women that they preferred the +semblance of love to love itself, and now I am quite as anxious not to +lose any of its outward manifestations. But as one gets more advanced +in years one attaches greater importance to these things; and besides, +I am an Epicurean in my sensations." + +After the above conversation with Aniela, we both recovered our +spirits. During evening I helped her in the cutting out of lampshades, +which gave me the opportunity to touch her hands and dress. I hindered +her with the work and she became as gay as a child, and in a child's +quick, plaintive voice called out, "Aunty, Leon is very naughty." + + +14 February. + +Ill luck would have it that I accepted an invitation to attend a +meeting at Councillor S.'s, who always tries to bring together +representatives of all shades and opinions, and over a cup of tea and +a sandwich to bring about a mutual understanding. As a man almost +continually living abroad, I came to this meeting to find out what was +going on in the minds of my countrymen and listen to their reasonings. +The crush was very great, which made me feel uncomfortable, and at the +same time happened what usually happens at large gatherings. Those of +the same shade of opinion congregated in separate rooms to pay each +other compliments and so forth. I was made acquainted with various +councillors and representatives of the press. In other countries, +there is a considerable difference between writers and journalists. +The first is considered an artist and a thinker, the latter, a mere +paragraph-monger--I cannot find a better word. Here there is no such +distinction, and men of both occupations are known under the same +collective name as literary men. The greater part of them follow both +avocations, literature and journalism. Personally, they are more +refined than the journalists I met abroad. I do not like the daily +press, and consider it as one of the plagues sent down to torment +humanity. The swiftness with which the world becomes acquainted with +current events is equal to the superficiality of the information, and +does not compensate for the incredible perversion of public opinion, +as any one who is not prejudiced must perceive. Thanks to the daily +press, the sense which knows how to sift the true from the false +has become blunted, the notions of right and wrong have well-nigh +disappeared, evil stalks about in the garb of righteousness, and +oppression speaks the language of justice; in brief, the human soul +has become immoral and blind. + +There was, among others, also Stawowski, who is considered a leader +among the advanced progressists. He spoke cleverly, but appeared to me +a man suffering from a two-fold disease: liver, and self. He carries +his ego like a glass of water filled to the brim, and seems to say, +"Take care, or it will spill." This fear, by some subtle process, +seems to communicate itself to his audience to such an extent that +nobody dares to be of a different opinion. He has this influence over +others because he believes in what he says. They are wrong, those who +consider him a sceptic. On the contrary, he is of the temperament +which makes fanatics. Had he been born a hundred years ago and been a +judge, he would have sentenced people to have their tongues cut out +for uttering blasphemy. Born as he is in the more enlightened times, +he hates what he would have loved then; but essentially it is the same +man. + +I noticed that our conservatives crowded round Stawowski, not so +much out of curiosity to hear what he said as rather with a certain +watchful coquetry. Here, and maybe in other countries, this party has +little courage. They looked at the speaker with insinuating smiles, as +if they would say: "Although conservatives, nevertheless--" Ah! that +"nevertheless" was like an act of contrition, a kind of submission. +This was so evident that I who am a sceptic as to all party spirit, +began to contradict Stawowski, not as a representative of any party, +but simply as a man who is of a different opinion. My audacity excited +some astonishment. The matter in question was the position of the +working-men. Stawowski spoke of their hopeless condition, their +weakness and incapacity for defending themselves; the audience which +listened to his words grew every minute larger, when I interrupted:-- + +"Do you believe in Darwin's theory, the survival of the fittest?" + +Stawowski, who is a naturalist by profession, took up the challenge at +once. + +"Of course I do," he said. + +"Then allow me to point out to you that you are inconsequent. If I, +as a Christian, care for the weak and defenceless, I do so by the +doctrine of Christ; but you, from a standpoint of a struggle-for-life +existence, ought to see it in a different light: they are weak, they +are foolish, consequently bound to succumb; it is a capital law of +nature,--let the weaker go to perdition. Why is it you do not take it +this way? please explain the contradiction." + +Whether Stawowski was taken aback by the unexpected opposition, or +whether he really had never put the two things together, the fact was +that he was at a loss for a ready answer, grew confused, and did not +even venture upon the expression "altruism," which, after all, says +very little. + +The hero of the evening worsted, the conservatives came over to me in +a body, and I might have become the hero now; but it was getting late, +I was bored, and wanted to get back to Ploszow. Gradually the others +too began to disperse. I was already in my fur coat and searching +for my eyeglasses, that had slipped between the coat and furs, when +Stawowski, who evidently had found his answer, came up to me and +said:-- + +"You asked why--" + +I, still searching for the eyeglasses and rather put out, said +impatiently:-- + +"Plainly speaking, the question does not interest me very much. It is +getting late and everybody is leaving; besides I can guess what you +are going to say, therefore permit me to wish you good-night." + +I fancy I have made an enemy of the man, especially by my last remark. + +It was one o'clock when I arrived at Ploszow, and there a pleasant +surprise awaited me; Aniela was sitting up to make some tea for me. I +found her in the dining-room, still fully dressed, with the exception +of her hair, which was done up for the night. From the intense delight +I felt in seeing her thus unexpectedly, I perceived how deeply she had +entered into my heart. What a dear girl she is, and how pretty she +looks with the tresses coiled low down her neck. And to think that I +have only to say the word and in a month or two I might have the right +to undo those tresses and let them fall on her shoulders. I cannot +think of it quietly. It seems past all belief that happiness should be +so easy to get. + +I began to scold her a little for sitting up so late, and she +replied:-- + +"But I was not in the least sleepy, and begged mamma and aunty to let +me sit up for you. Mamma would not allow it, said it was not proper; +but I explained to her that we were cousins, and that makes all the +difference. And do you know who took my part?--auntie." + +"Dear aunt! You will take some tea with me, will you not?" + +I watched her handling the cups with those deft, graceful fingers, and +felt a desire to kiss them. + +She looked at me now and then, but upon meeting my eyes her eyelashes +drooped. Presently she inquired how I had spent the evening, and what +impressions I had carried away. We spoke in a low voice, though the +sleeping-rooms were far enough away to make it unnecessary. There was +such confidence and heartiness in our intercourse as among relatives +who are fond of each other. + +I told her what I had seen and noticed, as one tells a friend. I spoke +about the general impression the society of the country makes upon a +man that has chiefly lived abroad. She listened quietly with wide-open +eyes, happy to be thus taken into confidence. Then she said:-- + +"Why do you not write about all that, Leon? That I do not think +of such things is not to be wondered at; but nobody else here has +thoughts like these." + +"Why do I not write?" I replied. "There are many reasons for it. I +will explain to you some time; one of them is that I have nobody near +me who, like you, says: 'Leon, why do you not do something?'" + +After this we both became silent. I had never seen Aniela's lashes +veil her eyes so closely, and I could almost hear the beating of her +heart. + +And indeed she had a right to expect me to say: "Will you remain with +me always and put the same question?" But I found such a keen delight +in skirting the precipice before making the final plunge, and feeling +that heart palpitating almost in my hand that I could not do it. + +"Good-night," I said, after a short time. + +And that angelic creature gave not the slightest sign that she had met +with a disappointment. She rose, and with the least touch of sadness +in her voice, but no impatience, replied: "Good-night." + +We shook hands and parted for the night. My hand was already on the +latch, when I turned round and saw her still standing near the table. + +"Aniela! Tell me," I said, "do you not think me a fantastic kind of +man, full of whims and fancies?" + +"Oh, no, not fantastic; sometimes I think you a little strange, but +then I say to myself that men like you are bound to be different from +others." + +"One question more; when was it you thought me strange the first +time?" + +Aniela blushed to the tips of her ears. How pretty she looked with the +pink flame spreading over her face and neck. + +"No, I could not tell you." + +"Then let me guess, and if I am right say yes. It is a single word." + +"What word?" she asked, with increased confusion. + +"Tablets. Yes, or no?" + +"Yes," said Aniela, with drooping eyes. + +"Then I will tell you why I wrote those words. First, because I wanted +a link connecting us together, a little secret shared by both of us, +and also--" + +I pointed at the flowers the gardener had brought from the hot-house. + +"You know flowers want light to bring out all their beauty, and I +wanted plenty of light for our atmosphere." + +"I cannot always follow you," she said, after a momentary silence, +"but I trust you, yes, and believe in you." + +We remained once more silent; I pressed her hand again, saying +good-night. We stopped near the door, and our eyes met. The waters +begin to rise and to rise. They will overstep their boundary any +moment. + + +23 February. + +The human being, like the sea, has his ebb and flood tides. To-day my +will, my energy, the very action of life are at a very low tide. It +came upon me without warning, a mere matter of nerves. But for that +very reason my thoughts are full of bitterness. What right have I, +a man physically worn out and mentally exhausted, to marry at all? +Involuntarily the words of Hamlet come in my mind: "Get thee to a +nunnery; why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?" I shall not bury +myself within cloister walls. The future sinners will be like me, +all nerves, oversensitive, not fit for any practical life,--in fact, +artists without portfolios. But the deuce take it, it is not they, but +Aniela I am thinking of. Have I a right to marry her,--to link that +fresh budding life, full of simple faith in God and the world, to my +doubts, my spiritual impotence, my hopeless scepticism, my criticism +and nerves? What will be the result of it for her? I cannot regain +another spiritual youth, and even at her side cannot find my old self; +my brains cannot change, or my nerves grow more vigorous,--and what +then? Is she to wither at my side? It would be simply monstrous. I to +play the part of a polypus that sucks the life-blood of its victims in +order to renew its own life! A heavy cloud weighs on my brain. But if +such be the case why did I allow it to go so far? What have I been +doing ever since I met Aniela? Playing on her very heartstrings to +bring forth sweet music. And yet, what for me was "Quasi una fantasia" +may prove to her "Quasi un dolore." Yes, I have played on that +sensitive instrument from morning until night; and what is more, +I feel that in spite of my self-upbraidings, I shall do the same +to-morrow and the days following, for I cannot help it; she attracts +me more than any woman I ever met, I desire her above all things--I +love her! + +Why delude myself any longer?--I love her! + +What is to be done? Must I go away back to Rome? That means a +disappointment and sorrow for her; for who knows how deeply rooted +her feelings may be? To marry her is the same as to sacrifice her for +myself, and make her life unhappy in another way. A truly enchanted +circle! Only people of the Ploszowski species ever get into such +dilemmas. And there is devilish little comfort in the thought that +there are more such as I, or that their name is legion. + +Whether the species be gradually dying out, as badly fitted for the +struggle of life, remains to be seen; for in addition to an incapacity +for life, there is ill luck as well. I might have met such an Aniela +ten years ago, when my sails were not, as now, worn to shreds and +patches. + +If that honest soul, my aunt, knew how, with the best of intentions, +she brought me to this pass, she would be truly grieved. There was +tragedy enough in my life,--the consciousness of utter failure, the +dark mist in which my thoughts were straying; now there is a new,--to +be, or not to be; but no, it is far worse than that! + + +26 February. + +Yesterday I went again to Warsaw by appointment, to meet a certain Pan +Julius Keo, on whose estates I lodged part of the capital I inherited +from my mother. Pan Julius Keo wants to pay off the mortgage, and +asked me to meet him at a fixed time; and I waited for him the whole +day. The devil take their ways of managing any business in this +country! He will make five other appointments, and not keep one. He is +very rich, wants to get rid of the mortgage, and is able to pay it off +any time; and yet--such is our way of transacting business. + +From my own observations I long since came to the conclusion that in +money matters we are the most flighty and unbusinesslike people in the +world. I, who like to go to the root of matters, often pondered over +this phenomenon. + +According to my ideas, this is the result of the purely agricultural +occupation of the people. Commerce was in the hands of the Jews, and +these could not teach us accuracy; the cultivator of the soil is +unreliable because the soil is unreliable, he is unpunctual because +nature has no punctuality. Working in the soil, they gradually take +some of its characteristics, which enters into their moral being, and +in the course of time becomes an inherited defect. + +The knowledge of cause and effect does not restore me to an equable +temper. I had to tear myself away from Aniela for a whole day, and +what is more, shall have to go through the some process a few +days hence; but it cannot be helped. In my aunt's house I found +visiting-cards from Kromitzki,--one for me and two for the elder +ladies. I was afraid he might take it into his head to pay us a +visit at Ploszow; to avoid that, I went out to leave my card on him. +Unfortunately for me, he was at home, and I had to stay half an hour. +He began his conversation by telling me that he had promised to call +at Ploszow; to which I replied that we had gone there merely for a few +days, and would be back in town almost immediately. He asked after +Aniela's mother, and very guardedly after Aniela herself. He evidently +wanted to impress me with the fact that he inquired as a mere +acquaintance. I am so impressionable that even this gave me a twinge; +how I loathe that man! I fancy the Tartars under Batu Khan must have +played many pranks in what is to-day Austrian Silesia, when looting +the country after the battle of Liegnitz. That those black eyes, like +roasted coffee-berries, did not come from Silesian ancestors, I have +not the slightest doubt. + +He was exceedingly polite to me, because I am rich. It is true, he +wants nothing from me,--I do not give him anything, and my being rich +is of no advantage to him; but as a financier he worships money. We +spoke about the difficulties in which Aniela's mother was and is still +involved. According to Kromitzki, a great deal of her fortune might +still be saved if she would part with the estate. Kromitzki looks upon +the reluctance to part with ancestral lands as a mere fad. He said he +might be able to understand it if she had the means to prevent it, but +as the case stood it was mere sentimentality. + +He is very talkative, and discussed at some length our national +idiocy. Money was lying on the pavement, to be had for the picking up. +His father, like other noblemen, had left scarcely any fortune; when +all debts were cleared off there remained a paltry hundred thousand +florins, and the world knew how he, Kromitzki, stood at present. + +"If that business in Turkestan comes off, I shall be able to wind up +my affairs. The Jews and Greeks have made millions in the contract +business; why should not we be able to do as well? I do not put +myself as an example; but I say, why should we not? There is room for +everybody,--why not go in for it?" + +According to my opinion, Kromitzki has a certain aptness for business, +but is foolish in a general sense. That we are shiftless, everybody +knows that; and that here and there somebody makes a fortune by +contracts, I can well believe; but the greater part of the people must +work at home, and not look for millions from contracts in Turkestan. + +May God save Aniela from an alliance with that man. He may have some +good qualities, but he belongs to a different moral type. If there be +a worse fate in store for her, ought I to hesitate any longer? + + +28 February. + +The elder ladies seem uneasy that the affair is not going on as +speedily as they had fancied; my aunt, who is of an impatient temper, +must chafe inwardly not a little. But the expression of happiness on +Aniela's face soothes them, and allays their fears. I can read in her +eyes endless trust and thorough belief in me. She fills my thoughts so +that I cannot think of anything but her. I desire her more and more, +and do not want to play upon her feelings any longer,--I want her. + + +4 March. + +This day has been to me of so much importance that I am obliged to +muster all my calmness and self-possession to put down everything in +its proper order. Nevertheless, I cannot contain myself. The die is +cast, or as good as cast. I could not have gone on quietly, had I not +put that down. + +And now I can begin. Sniatynski and his wife arrived here towards +noon, for an early dinner. He had to go back, as a new play of his +is coming out at the theatre. However happy we may be in our rural +seclusion, we are always delighted to see them. Aniela is great +friends with Pani Sniatynska, and I suppose there will be an exchange +of confidences. Pani Sniatynska guessed at the state of things, and +tried to put her hand to the wheel, to make the cart go a little +faster. She had only just arrived, when she said to my aunt:-- + +"How lovely and peaceful everything is here! No wonder the young +people there do not pine after the dissipations of town." + +We both, Aniela and I, understood perfectly well that Pani Sniatynska, +calling us the young people, was not referring only to our age. +Besides, she repeated the same thing several times during dinner: "the +young people," "the young couple," as if making a pointed difference +between us two and the elder ladies. But there was such real sympathy +for us in the friendly eyes; such a pricking up of her little ears to +hear what we were saying to each other; and the little woman looked so +charming withal that I forgive her readily her good-natured meddling. +I have arrived at such a state of infatuation that this coupling of +our names rather gladdens than irritates me. Aniela too seemed to hear +it with pleasure. In her efforts to please the Sniatynskis and the +attentions she bestowed on them during dinner, she truly looked like a +young bride, who receives dear visitors for the first time in her new +home. At the sight of this my aunt's heart seemed to swell, and she +said many kind and polite things to both Sniatynskis. I noticed a +wonderful thing, which I should not believe had I not seen it with my +own eyes. Pani Sniatynska blushes up to her ears when anybody praises +her husband! To blush with pleasure when her husband is praised after +eight years of married life! Surely, I committed an egregious mistake +writing as I did about Polish women. + +The dinner passed off very pleasantly. A married couple, like these +two, are born matchmakers. The very sight of them sets people +thinking: "If married life is like that, let us go and commit +matrimony." I at least saw it for the first time in a quite different +light,--not as the prose of life, a commonplace, more or less +skilfully disguised indifference, but as a thing to be desired. + +Aniela evidently read our future in the same light; I saw it in her +eyes shining with happiness. + +After dinner I remained in the dining-room with Sniatynski, who liked +a quiet talk over a glass of cognac after his coffee. The elder ladies +went to the drawing-room, and Aniela took Pani Sniatynska upstairs to +show her some photographs of Volhynia. I questioned Sniatynski about +his new play, the fate of which seemed to make him a little anxious. +Our conversation drifted on to those times when we both tried our +sprouting wings. He told me how afterwards, step by step, he had +worked his way upward; how he had been full of doubts, and still +doubted his power, in spite of having acquired a certain reputation. + +"Tell me," I asked, "what do you do with your fame?" + +"How do you mean what I do with my fame?" + +"For instance, do you wear it as a crown on your head, or as a golden +fleece round your neck? do you put it over your writing-desk, or hang +it up in your drawing-room? I only ask as a man who has no idea what +to do with it if he once obtains it?" + +"Let us suppose I have won it; the man must be deuced ill-bred +mentally either to wear the so-called fame as an ornament or to put it +up for show. I confess that at first it gratifies one's vanity; but +only a spiritual parvenu would find it sufficient to fill the whole +life, or take the place of real happiness. It is quite another thing +to be conscious you are doing good work; that the public appreciates +it, and that your work calls forth an echo in other minds,--a public +man has the right to feel pleased with that. But as to feeling +gratified when somebody, looking more or less foolish, comes up and +says: 'We are indebted to you for so much pleasure;' or, when a dinner +does not agree with me, our daily press remarks: 'We communicate +to our readers the sad news that our famous XX suffers from a +stomachache,'--pshaw! what do you take me for, that such a thing could +give me satisfaction?" + +"Listen," I said, "I am not inordinately vain; but I confess that, +when people speak of my extraordinary talents, and regret that I make +not a better use of them, it flatters me; and though I feel more +than ever my uselessness, it gives me pleasure; humankind is fond of +approbation." + +"That is because you pity yourself, and in that you are quite right. +But you are turning away from the question. I do not say that it would +give one pleasure to be called an ass." + +"But the public esteem that goes hand in hand with fame?" + +Sniatynski, who is very lively and always walks about the room, +sitting down on any table or chair, now sat on the window-sill, and +replied:-- + +"Public esteem? You are wrong there, old fellow; there is no such +thing. Ours is a strange society, dominated by a pure republican +jealousy. I write plays, work for the stage; very good. I have gained +a certain reputation; better still. Now, these plays excite the +jealousy,--of another playwright, you think? Not at all; it is the +engineer, the bank clerk, the teacher, the physician, the railway +official,--in short, people who never wrote a play in their +lives,--that envy you. All these in their intercourse will show that +they do not think much of you, will speak slightingly of you behind +your back, and belittle you on purpose, so as to add an inch or two to +their own height. 'Sniatynski? who is he? Yes, I remember; he dresses +at the same tailor as I.' Such is fame, my dear fellow." + +"But if must be worth something, since people risk their lives for +it?" + +Sniatynski grew thoughtful, and replied with a certain gravity:-- + +"In private life it is worth something; you can make a footstool of it +for the woman you love." + +"You will gain a new fame by this definition." + +Sniatynski rushed at me with lively impetuosity. + +"Yes, yes; put all your laurels into a cushion, go to the dear one, +and say to her: 'This for which people risk their lives; this which +they consider supreme happiness, appreciate more than wealth,--I have +got it, striven for it; and now put your dear feet on it at once.' If +you do this, you will be loved all your life. You wanted to know what +fame is good for, and there you are." + +Further discussions were cut short by the entrance of Pani Sniatynska +and Aniela. They were dressed for going out to the hot-houses. What an +imp of mischief lurks in that little woman. She came up to her husband +to ask his permission to go out, which he granted, insisting only that +she should wrap herself up warm; she turned to me and said with a +roguish smile,-- + +"You will let Aniela go, will you not?" + +That Aniela should blush furiously was only natural, but that I, +an old stager, a razor sharpened against the strops of so many +experiences, should have betrayed so much confusion, I cannot forgive +myself. But, putting on a semblance of self-possession, I went up to +Aniela, and raising her hand to my lips, said:-- + +"It is Aniela who gives orders at Ploszow, and I am her humble +subject." + +I should have liked to take Sniatynski with me and join the excursion, +but refrained. I felt a want to speak about Aniela, my future +marriage, and I knew that sooner or later Sniatynski himself would +broach the question. I gave him an opening after the ladies had left +us by saying:-- + +"And do you still believe as firmly as ever in your life-dogmas?" + +"More than ever, or rather, the same as ever. There is no expression +more worn to tatters than the word 'love;' one scarcely likes to use +it; but between ourselves, I tell you; love in the general meaning, +love in the individual sense does not permit of criticism. It is one +of the canons of life. My philosophy consists in not philosophizing +about it at all,--and the deuce take me if for the matter of that, I +consider myself more foolish than other people. With love, life is +worth something; without, it is not worth a bag of chaff." + +"Let us see what you have to say about individual love,--or better +still, put in its place woman." + +"Very well, let it be woman." + +"My good friend, do you not perceive on what brittle foundation you +are building human happiness?" + +"On about as brittle a foundation as life,--no more nor less!" + +I did not want to drift into a discussion of life and death, and +pulled Sniatynski up. + +"For mercy's sake, do not generalize about individual happiness. You +chanced to find the right woman, another might not." + +He would not even listen to that. According to his view, ninety out of +a hundred were successful. Women were better, purer, and nobler than +men. + +"We are rascals all, in comparison with them!" he shouted, waving his +arms and snaking his leonine mane. "Nothing but rascals! It is I who +say it,--I, who study mankind closely, if only for the reason that I +am a playwright." + +He was sitting astride on his chair, attacking me, as it were, with +the chairback, and went on with his usual impetuosity:-- + +"There are, as Dumas says, apes from the land of Nod, who know neither +curb nor bridle; but what are eyes given for but to see that you do +not take to wife an ape from Nod? Generally speaking a woman does not +betray her husband nor deceive him, unless he himself corrupts her +heart, tramples on her feelings, or repulses and estranges her by his +meanness, his selfishness, narrowness, and his miserable, worthless +nature. You must love her! Let her feel that she is not only your +female, but the crown of your head, as precious as your child and +friend; wear her close to your heart, let her feel the warmth of it, +and you may rest in peace; year after year she will cling closer to +you, until you two are like Siamese twins. If you do not give her all +that, you pervert her, estrange her by your worthlessness,--and she +will leave you. She will leave you as soon as she sees nobler hands +stretched out for her; she is forced to do it, as this warmth, this +appreciation, are as necessary to her life as the air she breathes." + +He charged me with the chairback as with a battering ram. I retreated +before him until we had come close to the window; there he jumped up. + +"How blind you are! In presence of such social drought, such utter +absence of general happiness as stamps our time, not to grasp this +felicity that is within reach! Shiver on the forum, and not light a +fire at home! Idiotism can go no farther! I tell you plainly, go and +get married." + +He pointed through the window at Aniela, who with his wife was coming +back from the hot-houses, and added: "There is your happiness. There +it patters in fur boots on the frozen snow. Take her by weight of +gold, by weight in carats rather! You simply have no home, not only in +a physical sense, but in a moral, intellectual meaning; you have no +basis, no point of rest, and she will give you all that. But do not +philosophize her away as you have philosophized away your abilities +and your thirty-five years of life!" + +He could not have told me anything better, nobler, or what chimed in +more with my own desires. I pressed his hands and replied:-- + +"No, I will not philosophize her away, because I love her." + +Upon this the ladies entered, and Pani Sniatynska observed:-- + +"We heard some disputes when we were leaving, but I see peace is +restored. May I ask what you have been discussing?" + +"Woman, madame," I said. + +"And what was the result?" + +"As you see, a treaty of peace sealed by a grasp of the hand, and +something further may come of it in the course of time." + +The sledge was already waiting at the door. The short day was drawing +to its close, and they had to go back; but as the weather was calm, +and the snow on the drive as smooth as a parquetted floor, we +resolved, Aniela and I, to accompany them as far as the high-road. + +And so we did. After having said good-by to our charming visitors, we +went slowly homeward. It was already dusk; in the dim light I could +still see Aniela's face. She seemed moved, perhaps had opened her +heart to Pani Sniatynska, and even now hoped for the long deferred +word. It was almost burning on my tongue; but, oh, wonder! I who never +yet had lost all my self-possession, I who was used to play upon +heartstrings, who at a fencing match of that kind, if not cleverly, at +least with perfect composure guarded myself against the most masterly +strokes, I was as deeply moved as a lad in his teens. What a +difference from former sentiments. I was afraid I could not find words +to express myself,--and remained silent. + +Thus in silence we approached the veranda. The snow was slippery; +I offered her my arm, and when she leaned on it I felt how all my +desires were centred in her. The feeling grew so intense that it +thrilled my nerves like electric sparks. We entered the hall. There +was nobody there; not even the lamps were lit, the only light came in +fitful gleams from the open stoves. In this half-light and in silence +I began to relieve Aniela of her furs, when suddenly the warmth +emanating from her body seemed to enter into my veins; I put my arm +around her, and drawing her close to me I pressed my lips on her brow. + +It was done almost unconsciously, and Aniela must have been greatly +startled, for she made not the slightest resistance. Presently a +footstep became audible; it was the servant with the lamps. She went +upstairs, and I, deeply moved, entered the dining-room. + +To every man who is ever so little enterprising, similar events occur +in the course of life. I am no exception, but, as a rule, I always +kept the mastery over myself. Now it was different. Thoughts and +sensations whirled across my brain like leaves before a gale. +Fortunately the dining-room was empty; my aunt and Aniela's mother +were in the drawing-room, where I joined them after a while. My +thoughts were so far away that I scarcely heard what they were saying +to me. I felt restless. I seemed to see Aniela sitting in her room, +pressing her hands to her temples, trying to realize what it all +meant. Soon Aniela herself came down. I felt relieved, as I had feared +she might not come down again for the evening. She had two burning +spots on either side of her face, and eyes bright as if from recent +slumber. She had tried to cool her face with powder; I saw the traces +on her left temple. The sight of her moved me; I felt that I loved her +deeply. + +Presently she stooped over some needlework. I saw that her breath came +and went irregularly, and once or twice I intercepted a quick glance +full of unsettled questions and trouble. + +In order to set her mind at rest I thrust myself into the conversation +of the elder ladies, who were speaking about Sniatynski, and said:-- + +"Sniatynski considers me a kind of Hamlet, and says I philosophize too +much; but I am going to show him that he is mistaken, and that not +later than to-morrow." + +I laid some stress on the "to-morrow," and Aniela caught the meaning, +for she gave me a long look; but my aunt, all unconscious, asked:-- + +"Are you going to see him to-morrow?" + +"We ought to go and see his play, and if Aniela agrees we will all go +to-morrow." + +The dear girl looked at me shyly but trustingly, and said, with +indescribable sweetness:-- + +"I will go with great pleasure." + +There was a moment when I could scarcely contain myself, and felt +I ought to speak there and then; but I had said "to-morrow," and +refrained. + +I feel like a man who shuts his eyes and ears before taking the final +plunge. But I really think it is a costly pearl I shall find at the +bottom of the deep. + + +CASA OSORIA, 6 March. + +Yesterday I arrived at Rome. My father is not quite so bad as I +had feared. His left arm and the left side of his body are almost +paralyzed, but the doctor tells me his heart is not threatened, and +that he may live for years. + + +7 March. + +I left Aniela in doubt, expectation, and suspense. But I could not do +otherwise. The day following the Sniatynskis' visit, the very day I +was going to ask Aniela to be my wife, I received a letter from my +father telling me about his illness. + +"Make haste, dear boy," he wrote, "for I should like to see you before +I die, and I feel my bark very close to the shore." + +After the receipt of such a letter I took the first train, and never +stopped until I reached Rome. When leaving Ploszow I had very little +hope to find my father alive. In vain my aunt tried to comfort me, +saying if things were so bad he would surely have sent a telegram +instead of a letter. + +I know my father's little oddities, among which is a rooted dislike to +telegrams. But my aunt's composure was only put on, at the bottom she +felt as frightened as myself. + +In the hurry, the sudden shock, and under the horror of my father's +likely death, I could not speak of love and marriage. It seemed +against nature, almost a brutal thing, to whisper words of love, not +knowing whether at the same time my father might not be breathing his +last. They all understood that, and especially Aniela. + +"I will write to you from Rome," I said before starting; to which she +replied: "May God comfort you first." + +She trusts me altogether. Rightly or wrongly, I have the reputation +of fickleness in regard to women, and Aniela must have heard remarks +about it; maybe it is for that very reason the dear girl shows such +unbounded confidence in me. I understand, and can almost hear the +pure soul saying: "They wrong you,--you are not fickle; and those who +accuse you of fickleness do not know what love means, and did not love +you as truly and deeply as I love you." + +Perhaps I am a little fickle by nature, and this disposition, +developed under the influence of the barren, empty, worthless +sentiments I met with in the world,--this might have dried up my heart +and corrupted it altogether; in which case Aniela would have to pay +for the sins of others. But I believe the case is not hopeless, and +the blessed physician has not come too late. Who knows whether it be +ever too late, and that the pure, honest love of a woman does not +possess the power to raise the dead? Perhaps, too, the masculine heart +has a greater power of recuperation. There is a legend about the rose +of Jericho, which, though dry to the core, revives and brings forth +leaves when touched by a drop of dew. I have noticed that the male +nature has more elasticity than the female. A man steeped in such +utter corruption that half of its venom would cover the woman with +moral leprosy is able to throw off the contagion, and recover easily +not only his moral freshness, but even a certain virginity of heart. +It is the same with the affections. I have known women whose hearts +were so used up that they lost every capacity of loving, even of +respecting anything or anybody. I have never known men like that. +Decidedly, love cleanses our hearts. Definitions like these sound +strange from a sceptic's pen; but in the first place I have no more +belief in my doubts than I have in any other kind of assertions, +axioms, and observations which serve general humanity as a basis of +life. I am ready to admit at any moment that my doubts are as far +removed from the essence of things as are these axioms. Secondly, I +am writing now under the influence of my love for Aniela, who, maybe, +does not know herself how wisely she is acting, and how by that very +trust in me she has secured a powerful hold on my affections. Lastly, +whenever I speak of love, or any other principle of life, I speak and +write of it as it appears to me in the present. What my opinion about +it will be to-morrow, I do not know. Ah, if I but knew that whatever +view I take or principle I confess would withstand the blasting +scepticism of to-morrow or the days following, I would make it my +canon of life, and float along with sails unfurled, like Sniatynski, +in the light, instead of groping my way in darkness and solitude. + +But I do not intend to go back now to my inner tragedy. As to love in +general, from the standpoint of a sceptic in regard to the world and +its manifestations, I might say with Solomon, "Vanitas vanitatum;" +but I should be utterly blind did I not perceive that of all active +principles this is the most powerful,--so powerful indeed that +whenever I think of it or my eyes roam over the everlasting ocean +of all-life, I am simply struck with amazement at its almightiness. +Though these are known things, as much known as the rising of the sun +and the tides of the ocean, nevertheless they are always wonderful. + +After Empedocles, who divined that Eros evolved the worlds from Chaos, +metaphysics have not advanced one step. Only death is a power equally +absolute; yet in the eternal struggle between the two, love is the +stronger; love conquers death by night and day, conquers it every +spring, follows death step by step, throwing fresh grain into the gulf +it creates. People occupied with every-day affairs forget or do not +wish to remember that they are love's servants. It is strange when we +come to think of it that the warrior, the chancellor of state, the +cultivator of the soil, the merchant, the banker, in all their +efforts, which apparently have nothing to do with love, are merely +furthering its ends; that is, they serve the law of nature which bids +the man to stretch out his arms for the woman. A mad paradox it would +seem to a Bismarck if he were told that the final and only aim of all +his endeavors is to further the love of Hermann and Dorothea. It seems +even to me a paradox; and yet Bismarck's aim is the consolidation of +the German empire, and this can be achieved only through Hermann and +Dorothea. What else, then, has a Bismarck to do but to create by +the help of politics and bayonets such conditions that Hermann and +Dorothea may love each other in peace, unite in happiness, and bring +up new generations? + +When at the university I read an Arabian ghazel in which the poet +compares the power of love to that of infernal torments. I forget the +name of the poet, but the idea remained in my memory. Truly, love is +the one power that lasts for all times, holds the world together, and +creates new worlds. + + +10 March. + +To-day I tore up three or four letters to Aniela. After dinner, I went +into my father's room to talk with him about my aunt's plans. I found +him looking through a lens at some epilichnions with the earth still +adhering to them, he had received from the Peloponnesus. How splendid +he looked in that light coming through stained windows in the large +room full of Etruscan vases, statues more or less mutilated, and all +kinds of Greek and Roman treasures. Among these surroundings his face +reminded me of a divine Plato or of some other Greek sage. When I +entered he interrupted his work, listened attentively to what I had to +say, and then asked, "Do you hesitate?" + +"No, I do not hesitate, but I am reflecting. I want to know why I want +it." + +"Then I will tell you this; I was once like you, inclined to analyze +not only my own feelings but all manifestations of life. When I came +to know your mother I lost that faculty at once. I knew one thing +only, that I wanted her, and did not care to know anything else. +Therefore if you have a like powerful desire, marry. I express myself +wrongly, for if you wish it very much you will do it without anybody's +help or advice, and be as happy as I was until your mother died." + +We remained silent for some time. If I were to apply my father's words +closely to my own case, I should feel small comfort. I love Aniela, +there is no doubt; but I have not arrived yet at a state that +precludes all reflection. But I do not consider this as a bad sign; +it simply means that I belong to a generation that has gone a step +farther on the way to knowledge. + +There are always two persons within me,--the actor, and the spectator. +Often the spectator is dissatisfied with the actor, but at present +they both agree. + +My father was the first to interrupt the silence. + +"Tell me what she is like." + +Since a description is an unsatisfactory way of painting a portrait, I +showed my father a large and really excellent photograph of Aniela, at +which he looked with the keenest interest. I was no less interested in +the study of his face, in which I saw not only the roused artist, +but also the refined connoisseur of female beauty, the old Leon +_l'Invincible_. Resting the photograph on the poor hand half +paralyzed, he put on his eyeglass with the right, and then holding the +likeness at a longer or shorter distance he began to say: "But for +certain details, the face is like one of those Ary-Schaeffer liked to +paint. How lovely she would look with tears in her eyes. Some people +dislike angelic faces in women, but I think that to teach an angel +how to become a woman is the very height of victory. She is very +beautiful, very uncommon looking. 'Enfin, tout ce qu'il y a de plus +beau au monde--c'est la femme.'" + +Here he fumbled with his eyeglass, and then added: "Judging by the +face, or rather by the photograph (sometimes one makes mistakes, but I +have had some practice), hers is a thoroughly loyal nature. Women of +this type are in love with the whiteness of their plumage. God bless +you, my boy! I like her very much, this Aniela of yours. I used to be +afraid you might end by marrying a foreigner--let it be Aniela." + +I came up close to him and he put his arm round my neck. + +"I should like to see my future daughter before I die." + +I assured him that he would certainly see her shortly. Then I unfolded +my plans of bringing Aniela and her mother over to Rome. After a +betrothal by letter I might expect as much, and the ladies would not +refuse, if only out of consideration for my father. In this case the +marriage ceremony would take place at Rome, and that very soon. + +My father was delighted with the plan; old and sick people like to see +around them life and motion. I knew that Aniela would be pleased with +this turn of affairs, and let my thoughts dwell upon it with more and +more pleasure. Within a few weeks everything would be settled. Such +quick decision would be against my nature, but the very idea that I +could exert myself if I wished raised my spirits. I already saw myself +escorting Aniela about Rome. Only those who live there understand +what a delight it is to show to anybody the endless treasures of that +city,--a much greater delight when the somebody is the beloved woman. + +Our conversation was interrupted by a visit from Mr. and Mrs. Davis, +who come every day to see my father. He is an English Jew, and she +an Italian nobleman's daughter who married him for the sake of his +wealth. Mr. Davis himself is a valetudinarian, who took out of his +life twice as much as his poor organization could bear. He is ill, +threatened with softening of the brain, indifferent to everything that +goes on around him,--one of those specimens of mankind one meets at +hydropathic establishments. Mrs. Davis looks like a Juno; her eyebrows +meet on her forehead, and she has the figure of a Greek statue. I do +not like her; she reminds me of the leaning tower at Pisa,--leans but +does not fall. A year ago I paid her some attentions; she flirted with +me outrageously, that was all. My father has a singular weakness for +her; I thought at times he was in love with her. At any rate, he +admires her from a thinker and artist's point of view; for beautiful +she is,--there can be no two opinions as to that,--and of more than +average intelligence. Their conversations, which my father calls +"causeries Romaines," are endless, and they never seem to get tired of +them; maybe these discussions about life's problems with a beautiful +woman appear Italian to him, poetical, and worthy of the times of the +Renaissance. I very seldom take part in these conversations because +I do not believe in Mrs. Davis' sincerity. It seems to me that her +intellect is merely a matter of brain, and not of soul, and that in +reality she does not care for anything except her beauty and the +comforts of life. I have often met women who seem full of lofty +aspiration; upon closer acquaintance it seems that religion, +philosophy, art, and literature, are only so many items of their +toilet. They dress themselves in either as it suits their style of +beauty. I suppose it is the same with Mrs. Davis; she drapes herself +in problems of life, sometimes in Greek and Roman antiquities, in the +Divina Commedia, or the Renaissance, the churches, museums, and so +forth. I can understand a powerful intellectual organism making itself +the centre of the universe; but in a woman, and one who is bent upon +futile things, it is mere laughable egoism and vanity. + +I ask myself what makes Mrs. Davis so fond of my father; and I fancy +I know the reason. My father, with his fine head of a patrician +philosopher, and his manners reminding one of the eighteenth +century, is for her a kind of _objet d'art_, and still more, a grand +intelligent mirror, in which she can admire her own beauty and +cleverness; besides, she feels grateful that he never criticises her, +and likes her very much. Upon this basis has sprung up a friendship, +or rather a kind of affection for my father which gradually has become +a necessity of her life. Moreover, Mrs. Davis has the reputation of a +coquette, and coming here to see my father every day, she says to +the world: "It is not true; this old man is seventy, and nobody can +suspect me of flirting with him, and yet I show him more attentions +than to any one else." Finally, though she herself comes from an old +family, Mr. Davis, in spite of his wealth, is a mere nobody, and their +friendship with my father strengthens their position in society. There +was a time when I asked myself whether these daily visits were not +partly for my sake--and who knows? At any rate, it is not my qualities +which attract her, nor any real feeling on her part. But she feels +that I do not believe in her, and this irritates her. I should not +wonder if she hated me, and yet would like to see me at her feet. I +might have been, for she is a splendid specimen of the human species; +I would have been, if only for the sake of the meeting eyebrows and +the Juno shoulders,--but at a price she does not feel inclined to pay. + +Soon after the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Davis my father began a +philosophical discussion, which, going from one question to another, +concluded with an analysis of human feelings. Mrs. Davis made +several very shrewd remarks. From the studio we went to the terrace +overlooking our gardens. It is only the tenth of March, and here +spring is at its best. This year everything is much advanced,--fierce +heat in the daytime, the magnolias covered with snow-white blossoms, +and the nights as warm as in July. What a different world from that of +Ploszow. I breathe here with all my lungs. + +Mrs. Davis on the terrace with the moon shining upon her was +beautiful as a Greek dream. I saw she was under the influence of that +indescribable Roman night. Her voice was softer, even, and more mellow +than usual. Perhaps even now she only thinks of herself, is impressed +because it is herself who feels it, dresses herself in moonbeams, +restfulness, and magnolia scent as in a new shawl or bonnet. But all +the same the dress suits her splendidly. Were it not that my heart is +full of Aniela, I should fall under the spell of the picture. Besides +this, she said things which not many could have conceived. + +All the same, whenever I am present at these _causeries Romaines_ +I have always a feeling that my father, I, such as Mrs. Davis, and +generally speaking, all the people of the so-called upper classes do +not live a true, real life. Below us something is always going +on, something always happens; there is the struggle for life, for +bread,--a life full of diligent work, animal necessities, appetites, +passions, every-day efforts,--a palpable life, which roars, leaps, and +tumbles like ocean waves; and we are sitting eternally on terraces, +discussing art, literature, love, woman, strangers to that other +life far removed from it, obliterating, out of the seven, the six +work-days. Without being conscious of it, our inclinations, +nerves, and soul are fit only for holidays. Immersed into blissful +dilettantism as in a warm bath, we are half awake, half dreaming. +Consuming leisurely our wealth, and our inherited supply of nerves and +muscles, we gradually lose our foothold upon the soil. We are as the +down, carried away by the wind. Scarcely do we touch ground, when the +real life pushes us back, and we draw aside; for we have no power of +resistance. + +When I think of it I see nothing but contradictions in us. We consider +ourselves the outcome and highest rung of civilization, and yet have +lost faith in ourselves; only the most foolish believe in our _raison +d'être._ We look out instinctively for places of enjoyment, gayety, +and happiness, and yet we do not believe in happiness. Though our +pessimism be wan and ephemeral as the clouds from our Havanas, it +obscures our view of wider horizons. Amidst these clouds and mists +we create for ourselves a separate world, a world torn off from the +immensity of all life, shut up within itself, a little empty and +somnolent. If this merely concerned the aristocracy, whether by +descent or wealth, the portent would be less weighty. But to this +isolated world belong more or less all those who boast of a higher +culture,--men of science, literature, and art. This world does not +dwell within the very marrow of life, but parting from it creates a +separate circle; in consequence withers within itself and does not +help in softening down the animalism of those millions which writhe +and surge below. + +I do not speak as a reformer, because I lack the strength. Besides, +what matters it to me? Who can avoid the inevitable? But at times I +have the dim presentiment of a terrible danger which threatens the +cultured world. The great wave which will wash us from off the surface +of the earth will carry off more than that one which washed away +hairpowder and shirtfrills. It is true that to those who perished then +it seemed that with them the whole civilization was perishing. + +In the mean while it is pleasant to sit on moonlit terraces and talk +in subdued tones about art, love, and woman, and look at the divine +profile of such a woman as Mrs. Davis. + + +10 March. + +Mountains, towers, rocks, the further they recede from our view, +appear as a mere outline through a veil of blue haze. There is a kind +of psychical blue haze that enfolds those who are removed from us. +Death itself is a removal, but the chasm is so wide that the beloved +ones who have crossed it disappear within the haze and become as +beloved shadows. The Greek genius understood this when he peopled the +Elysian fields with shadows. + +But I will not enlarge upon these mournful comparisons, especially +when I want to write about Aniela. I am quite certain my feelings +towards her have not changed, but I seem to see her a long distance +off, shrouded in a blue haze and less real than at Ploszow. I do not +feel her through my senses. When I compare my present feelings with +those I had at Ploszow, she is more of a beloved spirit than a desired +woman. From a certain point of view it is better, as a desired woman +might be even such a woman as Mrs. Davis; but on the other hand this +is not one of the reasons that have prevented me from writing to +Aniela. Doubtless that profile of Mrs. Davis which I still see before +me is a mere passing impression. When I compare these two women my +feeling for the other becomes very tender; and yet I leave her in +cruel suspense and uncertainty. + +To-day my father wrote to my aunt, setting her mind at rest as to his +health, and I added a postscript from myself, sending kind regards +to Aniela and her mother. I could not say much in a few lines, but I +might have promised them a longer letter. Such a promise would have +comforted Aniela and the elder ladies. I did not do it because I could +not. To-day my spirits are at a very low ebb. My wish for another +life, and my trust in the future have retreated into the farthest +distance; I can see them no more, see only the barren, sandy +wilderness. I cannot get rid of the idea that I can only marry Aniela +if I can conscientiously believe that our union would lead to mutual +happiness. I cannot represent it otherwise to Aniela without uttering +a lie; for I have none of that belief, and instead of it an utter +hopelessness almost a dislike of life. She is ill at ease with longing +and uncertainty, but I am worse, all the more so because I love her. + + +11 March. + +Mrs. Davis, to whom, during our _causerie_ on the moonlit terrace, I +unfolded my view as to the all-powerfulness of love, more or less as I +have written it down, called me Anacreon, and advised me to crown my +head with vine leaves, and then said more soberly, "If such be your +opinions, why play the part of pessimist? Belief in such a deity ought +to make any man happy." + +Why? I did not tell her, but I know why. Love conquers death, but +saves from it only the species. What matters it to me that the species +be preserved, when I, the individual, am sentenced to a merciless, +unavoidable death? Is it not rather a refined cruelty that the very +affections, which can be felt only by the individual, should serve the +future of the species only? To feel the throbbing of an eternal power, +and yet to die,--that is the height of misery. In reality there +exists only the individual; the species is an abstract idea, and in +comparison to the individual, an utter Nirvana. I understand the love +for a son, a grandson, a great grandson,--for the individual, in fact, +that is sentenced to perish,--but to profess love for one's species +one needs be insincere, or a fanatical sectarian. I can understand now +how centuries after Empedocles there came Schopenhauer and Hartmann. + +My brain feels as sore as the back of the laborer who carries burdens +beyond his strength. But the laborer stooping to his work earns his +daily bread and is at peace. + +I still seem to hear Sniatynski's words: "Do not philosophize +her away, as you have philosophized away your abilities and your +thirty-five years of life." I know it leads to nothing, I know it is +wrong, but I do not know how not to think. + + +13 March. + +My father died this morning. He was ill only a few hours. + + +PELI, VILLA LAURA, 22 March. + +Death is such a gulf, and though we know that all have to go thither, +yet when it swallows up one of our dear ones, we who remain on the +brink are torn with fear, sorrow, and despair. On that brink all +reasoning leaves us, and we only cry out for help which cannot come +from anywhere. The only solace and comfort lies in faith, but he who +is deprived of that light gets well-nigh maddened by the impenetrable +darkness. Ten times a day it seems to me impossible, too horrible, +that death should be the end of everything,--and then again, a dozen +times I feel that such is the case. + + +23 March. + +When I arrived from Ploszow I found my father so much better that it +never even entered my mind that the end could be so near. What strange +twists there are in the human mind. God knows how sincerely I rejoiced +when I found my father so much better than I had thought, and yet +because throughout that anxious journey I had fancied him sick unto +death, and already saw myself kneeling at his coffin, I was sorry +for my wasted anxieties. Now the memory of this fills me with keen +remorse. + +How thoroughly unhappy is the individual whose heart and soul have +lost their simplicity. Thus not less bitter, not less of a reproach is +the remembrance that at my father's deathbed there were two persons in +me: one of them the son full of anguish, who gnawed his hands to keep +back his sobs; the other the philosopher, who studied the psychology +of death. I am unutterably unhappy because my nature is an unhappy +one. + +My father died with full consciousness. Saturday evening he felt a +little worse. I sent for the doctor, that he might be at hand in case +we should want him. The doctor prescribed some physic, and my father, +according to his habit, disputed the point, demonstrating that the +physic would bring on a stroke. The doctor calmed my fears, and said +though there was always fear of another stroke, he saw no immediate +danger, and that my father most likely would live for many years to +come. He repeated the same to the patient, who, hearing of the many +years to come, incredulously shook his head and said: "We will see." +As he has always been in the habit of contradicting his doctors, and +proving to them that they know nothing, I did not take his words +seriously. Towards ten at night, when taking his tea, he suddenly rose +and called out:-- + +"Leon, come here, quick!" + +A quarter of an hour later he was in his bed, and within an hour he +was dying. + + +24 March. + +I am convinced that people preserve their idiosyncracies and +originality to the last minute of their life. Thus my father, in the +solemn dignity of thoughts at the approaching end, still showed a +gratified vanity that he, and not the doctor, had been right, and that +his unbelief in medicine was well founded. I listened to what he said, +and besides, read his thoughts in his face. He was deeply impressed +with the importance of the moment; there was also curiosity as to the +future life,--not a shadow of doubt as to its existence, but rather a +certain uneasiness about how he would be received, joined to an almost +unconscious, unsophisticated belief that he would not be treated as a +mere nobody in particular. I shall never die like this, because I have +no basis to uphold me in the hour of death. My father parted with his +life in absolute faith and the deep contrition of a true Christian. At +the moment when he received the last sacraments he was so venerable, +so purely saintly, that his image will remain with me always. + +How futile, how miserable, appears to me my scepticism in presence of +that immense power of faith that, stronger even than love, triumphs +over death at the very moment when it extinguishes life. After having +received the last sacraments, a great tenderness took possession of +him. He grasped my hand strongly, almost convulsively, and did not let +it go again, as if through me he wanted to hold fast to life. And yet +it was neither fear nor despair that moved him, he was not in the +least afraid. Presently I saw the eyes riveted upon my face grow dim +and fixed, his forehead became moist, as if covered by a gentle dew; +he opened his mouth several times as if to catch his breath,--sighed +deeply once more,--and died. + +I was not present at the embalming of the body,--I had not the +strength; but after that I did not leave the dear remains for a +minute, out of fear they might treat him as a thing of no consequence. +How truly awful are those last rites of death,--the whole funereal +paraphernalia, the candles, the misericordia, with the covered faces +of the singers. It still clings to my ears, the "Anima ejus," and +"Requiem aeternam." There breathes from it all the gloomy, awful +spirit of Death. We carried the remains to Santa Maria Maggiore, and +there I looked for the last time at the dear, grand face. The Campo +Santo looks already like a green isle. Spring is very early this +year. The trees are in bloom and the white marble monuments bathed in +sunshine. What an awful contrast, the young, nascent life, the budding +trees, the birds in full song,--and a funeral. Crowds of people filled +the cemetery, for my father was known for his benevolence in Rome as +much as my aunt is at Warsaw. All these people so full of life, as +if reflecting the joys of spring, jarred upon my feelings. Crowds, +especially in Italy, consider everything as a spectacle got up +for their special benefit, and even now their faces betrayed more +curiosity to see a grand funeral than any sympathy. Human selfishness +knows no limit, and I am convinced that even people morally and +intellectually educated, when following a funeral, feel a kind of +unconscious satisfaction that this has happened to somebody else, and +it is not they who are to be interred. + +My aunt arrived, as I had summoned her by telegram. She, from the +standpoint of faith, looks upon death as a change essentially for the +better; therefore received the blow with far more calmness than I. +This did not prevent her from, shedding bitter tears at her brother's +coffin. + +Afterwards she spoke to me long and tenderly,--a conversation full +of exceeding goodness, I took much amiss at the time, for which I am +sorry now. She did not mention Aniela's name,--spoke only of my future +loneliness, and insisted upon my coming to Ploszow; where, surrounded +by tender hearts, especially the one old heart which loved me beyond +everything on earth, I would feel less sad. I saw in all this only +her desire to continue her matchmaking; and in presence of my recent +bereavement this seemed to me improper, and irritated me very much. I +felt not inclined to think of the life before me, nor of love-speeches +or weddings, with the shadow of death across my path. I refused +peremptorily, even curtly; told my aunt I was going away,--most likely +to Corfu, then would come back to Rome in order to arrange my father's +affairs, and after that would come to Ploszow. + +She did not insist upon having her own way. Feeling deeply for me, she +was even more gentle than usual, and left Rome three days after the +funeral. I did not go to Corfu; instead of that, Mr. and Mrs. Davis +carried me off to their villa at Peli, where I have been now for +several days. Whether Mrs. Davis is sincere or not I do not know, and +will not even enter upon that now; I know only that no sister could +have shown more sympathy and solicitude. With a nature poisoned by +scepticism, I am always prone to suspect and misjudge those around me; +but if it should be proved that I misjudged this woman, I should feel +truly guilty,--because her goodness to me is quite extraordinary. + + +26 March. + +My windows look out upon the vast blueness of the Mediterranean, +encompassed by bands of a darker blue on the far horizon. Close to the +villa, the crisped waves glitter like fiery scales; in the distance, +the sea is glassy and still, as if lulled to sleep in its blue veil. +White lateen sails flash in the sun, and once a day a steamer from +Marseilles for Genoa passes hence, dragging in her wake woolly coils +of smoke that hang over the sea like a dark cloud, until it +gradually dissolves and disappears. The restfulness of the place is +indescribable. Thoughts dissolve like yonder black cloud between the +blue sky and azure sea, and life is a blissful vegetation. + +I felt very tired yesterday, but to-day I inhale with eager lungs the +fresh sea-breezes, that leave a salty taste on my lips. Say what they +like, the Riviera is one of the gems of God's creation. I fancy to +myself how the wind whistles at Ploszow; the sudden changes from mild +spring weather to wintry blasts; the darkness, sleet, and hail, with +intermittent gleams of sunshine. Here the sky is transparent and +serene; the soft breeze which even now caresses my face comes through +the open window together with the scent of heliotropes, roses, and +mignonette. It is the enchanted land, where the orange blossoms, and +also an enchanted palace; because everything that millions can buy, +combined with the exquisite taste of Mrs. Davis, is to be found in +this villa. I am surrounded by masterworks of art,--statues, pictures, +matchless specimens of ceramics, chased works by Benvenuto. Eyes +feast on nature, feast on art, and do not know where to dwell +longest,--unless it be on the splendid pagan, the mistress of all +these splendors, and whose only religion is beauty. + +But is it quite just to call her a pagan? because, I say again, +whether sincere or not, she shares my sorrows and tries to soothe +them. We talk for hours about my father, and I have often seen tears +in her eyes. Since she found out that music acts soothingly upon my +mind, she plays for hours, and often until late at night. Sometimes +I sit in my room in the dark, look absently at the sea riddled by a +silver network, and listen to the sounds of her music mingling with +the splashing of the waves. I listen until I feel half distracted, +half sleepy,--until in sleep I forget the real life, with all its +sorrows. + + +29 March. + +I do not even feel inclined to write every day. We are reading +together the Divina Commedia,--or rather, its last part. There was +a time when I felt more attracted by the awful plasticity of the +Inferno. Now I like to plunge into the luminous mist, peopled with +still more luminous spirits, of the Dantesque heaven. At times it +seems as if amid all that radiance I see the dear, familiar features, +and my sorrow becomes almost sweet to me. I never before understood +the exceeding beauty of heaven. Never has human mind taken such a +lofty flight, encompassed such greatness, or borrowed such a slice +from infinity as in this sublime, immortal poem. The day before +yesterday and the two days following, we read it together in the boat. +We usually go out a long distance, and when the sea is quite still I +furl the sail; and we read, rocked by the waves,--or rather, she reads +and I listen. Surrounded by the glories of the sunset, far from the +shore, with the most beautiful woman reading to me Dante, I was under +a delusion, that I had been transferred to another world. + + +30 March. + +At times the sorrow that seemed to be lulled to sleep wakes up with +renewed force. I feel then as if I wanted to fly hence. + + +VILLA LAURA, 31 March. + +To-day I thought a great deal about Aniela. I have a strange feeling, +as if lands and seas divided us. It seems to me as if Ploszow were a +Hyperborean island somewhere at the confines of the world. We have +delusions of that kind when personal impression takes the place of +tangible reality. It is not Aniela who is far from me, it is I who go +farther and farther away from the Leon whose heart and thoughts were +once so full of her. This does not mean that my feelings for her have +vanished. By close analysis I find they have only changed in their +active character. Some weeks ago, I loved her and wanted something; I +love her still, but want nothing. My father's death has scattered the +concentration of the feelings. It would be the same, for instance, had +I begun some literary work, and some unfortunate accident interrupted +the even flow of my thoughts. But that is not all. Not long ago, all +the faculties of my mind were strung to their highest pitch; now, +under the influence of a heavy sorrow, a soft atmosphere, and the +gently rocking sea, they have relaxed. I live, as I said before, the +life of a plant; I rest as one rests after a long fatigue, and as if +immersed in a warm bath. Never did I feel less inclined to any kind of +exertion; the very thought of it gives me pain. If I had to choose a +watchword, it would be, "Do not wake me." What will happen when I wake +up, I do not know. I am sad now, but not unhappy; therefore I do not +want to wake up, and do not consider it my duty. It is even difficult +to me to recall the image of the Ploszowski who fancied himself bound +to Aniela. Bound,--why? by what reason? What has happened between us? + +A slight, almost imperceptible kiss on the forehead,--a caress which, +among near relations, can be put down to brotherly affection. These +are ridiculous scruples. I have broken ties far different from these +without the slightest twinge of conscience. Were she not a relation, +it would be a different matter. It is true, she understood it in a +different way, and so did I at the time,--but let it pass. One prick +of conscience more or less, what does it matter? We do worse things +continually, to which the disappointment I caused Aniela is mere +childishness. Conscience that can occupy itself with such peccadilloes +must have nothing else to do. There is about the same proportion of +such kinds of crime to real ones as our conversations on the terrace +to real life. + +Upon the whole, I do foresee what will happen; but I want to be left +in peace at present and not think of anything. "Do not wake me." +To-day it was determined that we ought to leave Peli as soon as the +hot weather sets in,--perhaps in the middle of April,--and go to +Switzerland. Even that terrifies me. I fancy Mrs. Davis will have to +place her husband under restraint; he shows symptoms of insanity. He +says not a word for whole days, but sits staring either at the floor +or at his finger-nails; he is afraid they will come off. These are +with him the consequences of a wild life and narcotics. + +I leave off writing as it is our time for sailing. + + +2 April. + +Yesterday there was a thunderstorm. A strong southern wind drove the +clouds along as a herd of wild horses. It pulled and tore, chased +and scattered them, then got them under and threw them with a mighty +effort upon the sea, which darkened instantly as man in wrath, and +began in its turn to send its foam aloft,--a veritable battle of two +furies, which, battering each other, produce thunder and lightning +flashes. But all this lasted only a short time. We did not go out to +sea, as the waves were too rough. Instead of it we looked at the storm +from the glazed balcony, and sometimes looked at each other. It is no +use deluding myself any longer; there is something going on between +us,--a subtle change in our relations to each other. Neither of us has +said a word or overstepped the boundary line of friendship; neither +has confessed to anything, and yet speaking to each other we feel that +our words serve only to disguise our thoughts. It is the same when we +are in the boat, reading together, or when I listen to her music. +All our acts seem mere shadows,--an outward form that hides the real +essence of things, with its face still veiled, but following us +wherever we go. Neither of us has given it a name; but we both feel +its presence. Manifestations like these take place probably every time +man and woman begin to influence each other. I could not tell +exactly when it began; but I confess it did not come upon me quite +unexpectedly. + +I accepted their hospitality because Mrs. Davis was my father's +friend; and it was she who, after his death, showed me more sympathy +than any one else in Rome. I have so much consciousness of self, am so +able to divide myself, that soon after my arrival here, in spite of +my heavy sorrow I had the presentiment that our mutual relation would +undergo a change. I hated myself that so soon after my father's death +I should harbor thoughts like these; but they were there. I find now +that my presentiments were right. If I said that the changed relation +has still its face veiled, I meant to say that I do not know exactly +when the veil will be torn asunder, and I am under the spell of +expectation. I should be unsophisticated indeed, if I supposed she +were less conscious of all this than I. She is probably more so. +Most likely she is guiding all these changes; and everything that is +happening happens according to her wishes and cool reflection. Diana +the Huntress is spreading her net for the game! But what does it +matter to me? what is there for me to lose? As nearly every man, I am +that kind of game which allows itself to be hunted for the purpose of +turning at a given moment against the hunter. In such circumstances +we all have energy enough. In a hand-to-hand fight, like this, the +victory rests always with us. I know perfectly well that Mrs. Davis +does not love me, any more than I love her. We simply react upon each +other through our pagan nature, our sensuous and artistic instincts. + +With her it is also a question of vanity,--the worse for her, as it +may lead her whither love leads. I shall not go too far. In my feeling +for her there is neither affection nor tenderness,--nothing but +rapture at the sight of nature's masterwork, and the attraction +natural in a man when that masterwork is a woman. My father said that +the height of victory would be to change an angel into a woman; I +maintain that it is no less a triumph to feel around one's neck the +arms, palpitating with life, of a Florentine Venus. + +As far as beauty goes she is the highest expression of whatever the +most exalted imagination is able to conceive. She is a Phryne. It +would turn most men's heads to see her in a tight-fitting riding-habit +that shows the outline of her figure as beautiful as that of a statue. +In the boat, reading Dante, she looked like a Sybil, and one could +understand a Nero's sacrilegious passion. Hers is an almost baleful +beauty. Only the joining eyebrows make her appear a woman of our +times, and this makes her all the more irritating. She has a certain +habit of pushing back her hair by putting both hands at the back of +her head; then her shoulders are raised; the whole shape acquires a +certain curve, and the breast stands firmly out,--and one feels a +desire to carry her off in one's arms from everybody's eyes. + +In each of us there is a hidden Satyr. As to myself, as I said +already, I am highly impressionable; therefore, when I think of it, +that there is something going on between me and this live statue of +a Juno, that some mysterious power pushes us towards each other,--my +head is in a whirl, and I ask myself what would I wish for more +perfect than this. + + +3 April. + +As much as ever woman can show kindness and sympathy to a friend +in trouble, she has shown to me. And yet, strange to say, all this +kindness has upon me the effect of moonlight,--radiance without +warmth; she possesses perfection of form, but there is no soul; with +her all is premeditation, but not nature. There speaks again the +sceptic; but I shall never be so intoxicated as to lose my capacity +of observation. If this divinity were kind, she would be kind to +everybody. Thus, for instance, the way she treats her husband is +enough to destroy any illusion as to her heart. The unfortunate Davis +is such a bloodless creature that he feels chilly in the hottest +sunshine, and oh! so chilly at her side. I never noticed in her the +slightest sign of compassion for his misery. He simply does not exist, +for her. This millionnaire, in the midst of all his wealth, is so poor +that it would rouse any one's pity. He is apparently indifferent +to everything; and yet the human being, with ever so little +consciousness, feels kindness. The best proof of it is that Davis +feels grateful to me because I speak to him now and then about his +health. + +Perhaps it is the instinctive attraction of the weaker towards the +stronger organism. When I look at that face as white as chalk, no +bigger than my fist, those feet like walking-sticks, and that shrunken +figure, wrapped up in a plaid during the hottest of weathers, I am +truly sorry for him. But I will not make myself out better than I am. +I may pity the man; but compassion will not stand in my way. It has +often struck me that, when woman is in question, man becomes pitiless; +it is still a remnant of the animal instinct that fights to the +uttermost for the female. In such a fight between human beings, +whatever shape it takes, the weaker goes to the wall. Even honor is no +curb; it is only religion that condemns it absolutely. + + +12 April. + +I have not written for nearly ten days. The veil was rent a week ago. +I always suspected the sea would help us to an understanding. Women +like Laura never forget the fitting background. If they do charitable +deeds because it enhances their beauty, the more they want beauty when +they fall. Joined to this is their passion for anything out of the +common, which does not spring from the poetical faculties of their +mind, but from a desire to adorn themselves. I have not so lost my +head as not to be able to judge Laura, though really I do not know +whether she has not the right to be what she is, and to think the sun +and stars are made on purpose for her adornment. Absolute beauty, +in the nature of things, must be essentially egotistic, and subject +everything to its rule. Laura is the very incarnation of beauty, and +nobody has the right to ask anything else from her than to be always +and everywhere beautiful; at least, I do not ask for more. + +Thanks to my skill in seamanship, we can be alone on our excursions. +A week ago, on a sultry day, Laura expressed a wish to go out in the +boat. Like a Hecate, she exults in heat. A gentle breeze drove us a +long distance from the shore, and then the wind fell. The lateen sail +hung motionless from the mast. The rays of the sun, reflected from the +glassy surface of the water, increased the heat, although it was late +in the afternoon. Laura threw herself on the Indian matting, and +resting her head against the cushions, remained motionless, all in +a red glow, from the sun filtering through the awning. A strange +laziness had taken possession of me, and at the same time the sight +of this woman with her Greek form that showed through the clinging +drapery sent a thrill of admiration through my veins. Her eyes were +veiled, the lips slightly parted; her whole presence expressed +powerlessness, and seemed to say, "I am weak." + +We came back late to the villa, and the return will remain for a long +time in my memory. After a sunset in which sky and earth seemed to be +wedded in a splendor without limit and without division, there came a +night of such beauty as I had never seen on the Riviera. From the vast +deep rose the immense red orb of the moon, which filled the air with a +mellow light, and at the same time made a broad, luminous path on the +sea, on which we glided towards the shore. There was a gentle swell on +the water, like a heaving sigh. From the little harbor the voices +of the Ligurian fishermen, singing a chorus, came up to us. A light +breeze from the shore wafted towards us the scent of orange-blossoms. +Although not prone to let myself be carried away by my sensations, I +was under the spell of this unutterable sweetness that floated over +land and sea, and clung like dew to soul and body. + +From time to time my eyes rested upon the Helen-like woman whose white +draperies glistened in the moonlight, and I fancied myself living in +ancient Greece, and that we were floating somewhere, maybe towards the +sacred olive groves where the Eleusinian mysteries were enacted. Our +rapture did not seem any more a rapture of the senses, but a cult, a +mystic alliance with that night, that spring, and all nature. + + +15 April. + +The time fixed for our departure has arrived, but we do not depart. My +Hecate does not fear the sun, Mr. Davis likes it, and as far as I am +concerned, whether here or in Switzerland is a matter of indifference. + +A strange thought has taken hold of me; I almost shrink from it, but +nevertheless will confess: It seems to me that a Christian soul, +though the spring of faith be dried up therein, cannot live altogether +on the mere beauty of form. This means more sorrow in store for me; +if the thought proves true the whole basis of my life falls to the +ground. We are beings of a different culture. Our souls are full of +Gothic arches, pinnacles, twisted traceries we cannot shake off, and +of which Greek minds knew nothing. Our minds shoot upward; theirs, +full of repose and simplicity, rested nearer the earth. Those of us in +whom the spirit of Hellas beats more powerfully consider the beautiful +a necessity of life, and search after it eagerly, but instinctively +demand that Aspasia should have the eyes of Dante's Beatrice. A +similar longing is planted within me. When I think of it, that a +beautiful human animal like Laura belongs to me and will belong as +long as I wish it, a twofold joy gets hold of me,--the joy of the man +and the delight of the artist; and yet there is a want and something +missing. On the altar of my Greek temple there is a marble goddess; +but my Gothic shrine is empty. I admit that in her I have found +something bordering upon the perfect, and I defend myself from a +suspicion that this perfection throws a big shadow. I thought once +that Goethe's words, "You shall be like unto gods and beasts," +embraced all life and were the highest expression of his wisdom; now, +when I follow the commandment, I feel that he omitted the angel. + + +17 April. + +Mr. Davis came into the room when I was sitting at Laura's feet, my +head leaning against her knees. His bloodless face and dim eyes +showed no feeling beyond indifferent sullenness. In his soft slippers +embroidered with Indian suns, he shuffled across the room, and +into the library. Laura looked magnificent, her eyes flashing with +unrestrained wrath. I rose and awaited what would happen. A thought +crossed my mind that Mr. Davis might come back, a revolver in his +hand. In such a case I should have pitched him through the window, +revolver, plaid, and Indian slippers. But he did not come back; I +waited a long time in vain. I do not know what he was doing there; +whether he was thinking over his misery, weeping, or perfectly +indifferent. We all three met again at lunch, and he was sitting there +as if nothing unusual had happened. Perhaps it was my fancy that +made me think that Laura looked menacingly at him, and also that his +apathetic expression was even more mournful than usual. I confess that +such a tame ending of the business is the most painful to me. I am not +one to provoke a quarrel, but ready to answer for my deeds; finally, I +would rather the man were not so defenceless, such a small, miserable +creature. I have a nasty feeling, as if I had knocked down a cripple, +and never yet felt so disgusted with myself. + +We went out in the boat as usual. I did not want Laura to think I was +afraid of Davis; but there we had our first quarrel. I confessed to +her my scruples and she laughed at them. I said to her plainly,-- + +"The laughter does not become you; and remember, you may do most +things, but not what is not becoming." + +There was a deep frown on the meeting eyebrows, and she replied +bitterly,-- + +"After what has passed between us, you may insult me even with more +impunity than you could Davis." + +After such a reproach there remained nothing else but to ask her +forgiveness; and presently, harmony being restored, Laura began +to talk about herself. I had another instance of her cleverness. +Generally the women I have known intimately showed a desire to tell me +their life. I do not blame them for it; it shows that they feel the +need to justify themselves in their own eyes and ours. We men do +not. Yet I never met a woman either so clever as not to overstep the +artistic proportions in her confession, or so sincere as not to tell +lies in order to justify herself. I call to witness all men who when +the occasion occurs may verify how wonderfully similar all these cases +of going astray are, and consequently how tedious. Laura, too, began +to talk about herself with a certain eager satisfaction, but only in +this respect did she follow the beaten track of other fallen angels. +In what she told me there was a certain posing for originality, but +she was certainly not posing as a victim. Knowing she had to deal with +a sceptic, she did not want to call forth a smile of incredulity. Her +sincerity was skirting upon the bold, almost the cynical, one +might say, were it not that to her it is a system of life in which +aestheticism has taken the place of ethics. She prefers simply a life +in the shape of an Apollo to that of humpbacked Pulcinello; that is +her philosophy. She had married Davis not so much for his wealth +as for the purpose of making her life as beautiful as lay in human +power,--beautiful not in the common meaning of the word, but in the +highest artistic sense. Besides she did not consider she had any +duties toward her husband, as she had never even pretended to love +him; she had for him as much pity as repugnance, and as he was +indifferent to everything, he was of no more account than if he were +dead. She added that she did not take account of anything that was +contrary to her ideas of a purely beautiful and artistic life. Regard +for society she had very little, and who thought otherwise of her +would be utterly wrong. She had felt friendship for my father, not +because of his social position, but because she had looked upon him +as a masterwork of nature. As to myself, she had loved me for a long +time. She understood perfectly that I would have prized her more had +the victory been less easy, but she did not care to bargain when her +happiness was at stake. + +This kind of principles, announced by that perfect mouth in a soft +voice full of metallic vibrations, gave me a strange sensation. While +speaking to me she drew her draperies close to her as if to make room +for me at her side. At times her eyes followed the motions of the +sea-gulls circling above our heads, then again they rested keenly upon +my face as if she wanted to read the impression her words had made +upon me. I listened to her words with a certain satisfaction, as they +proved to me that I had judged her pretty correctly. Yet there was +something in them quite new to me. I had always rendered her justice +as to her cleverness, but I thought her acts were the instinctive +outcome of her nature. I had never supposed her capable of inventing +a whole system in order to support and justify the impulses of her +nature. This showed her in a somewhat nobler light, as it proved that +where I had suspected her of more or less mean calculation, she only +acted according to her own principles,--maybe bad, even terrible, but +always principles. For instance, I had suspected her of wanting to +marry me after Davis's death,--she proved me utterly in the wrong. She +herself began to talk about it. She confessed that if I were to ask +her for her hand she might not be able to refuse me, as she loved me +more than I believed (here as I am a living man I saw a warm blush +mounting to her neck and brow), but she knew this would never happen; +sooner or later I would leave her with a light heart,--but what of +that? If she dipped her hand into the water and felt the refreshing +coolness, should she refuse herself this delight because the sun would +suck the cool moisture? + +Saying this she bent over the gunwale, which showed her figure in +all its immaculate perfection, and after plunging her hands into the +water, she stretched them out to me moist and pink and gleaming in +the sunshine. I took hold of the hands, and she, as if echoing my +sensations, said in a caressing voice, "Come." + + +20 April. + +I did not see Laura the whole of yesterday, as she was not well. +She had caught a chill sitting out late on the balcony, and it had +affected her teeth. What a nuisance! Fortunately the day before +yesterday a doctor arrived who is to remain in attendance upon Mr. +Davis; otherwise I should not have a soul to speak to. He is a young +Italian, small of stature, very dark, with an enormous head and very +sharp eyes. He seems very intelligent. It is evident that from the +very first he has grasped the situation, and found it very natural, +for without hesitation he addressed me as the master of the house. I +could not help laughing when he came this morning and asked me whether +he could see the countess so that he might prescribe for her. They +have some very quaint notions in this country. Usually, when a married +woman is suspected to belong to somebody else, the world is in arms to +hunt and run her down, often with thoughtless cruelty. Here, on the +contrary, they worship at the altar of love, and one and all take +sides with and plot for the lover. I told the doctor I would see +whether the countess would see him. I penetrated into Laura's sanctum. +She received me unwillingly, because her face is a little swollen, and +she did not wish me to see her in that state. And in truth her face +reminded me of my old drawing lessons. I noticed even then that with +a modern face one may commit inaccuracies, change this or that, and +provided the expression, the idea of the face remain intact, the +likeness will not suffer. It is quite a different thing drawing from +the antique; the slightest inaccuracy, the least deviation, destroys +the harmony of the face and makes it different altogether. I had an +example in Laura. The swelling was very slight,--I scarcely noticed it +as she obstinately turned the sound part of her face to me; but as her +eyes were a little reddened, the eyelids heavier than usual, it was +not the same face, perfect in its harmony and beauty. Of course I did +not let her see this, but she received my greeting half-disturbed, +as if troubled with a bad conscience. Evidently according to her +principles toothache is a mortal sin. + +Queer principles these, anyway! I too have the soul of an ancient +Greek, but beyond the Pagan there is something else in me. Laura will +be sometime very unhappy with her philosophy. I can understand that +one may make a religion of beauty in a general sense, but to make +a religion of one's own beauty is to prepare great unhappiness for +ourselves. What kind of religion is that which a simple toothache +undermines, and a pimple on the nose shatters into ruin? + + +25 April. + +We shall have to leave for Switzerland, for the heat is almost +unbearable. Besides the heat, there is the Sirocco, that comes now and +then like a hot breath from Africa. The sea-breezes somewhat mitigate +the fierceness of this visitor from the desert, but it is none the +less very disagreeable. + +The Sirocco acts injuriously on Mr. Davis. The doctor watches him +closely lest he should take opium, and consequently become either very +irritable or else quite stupefied. I notice that in his greatest +fits of anger he is afraid of Laura and myself. Who knows whether a +homicidal mania is not already germinating in the half-insane brain? +or maybe he is afraid we are going to kill him. Generally speaking, +my relation with him is one of the darkest sides of the part I am +enacting. I say one of the darkest, because I am fully aware that +there is more than one. I should not be my own self if I did not +perceive that my soul not only is stagnating, but is getting swiftly +corrupted in the arms of that woman. I cannot even express what +loathing, what bitterness and pangs of conscience, it caused me at +first that I should have plunged myself into the depth of sensuous +raptures so soon after the death of my father. It was not only my +conscience, but also the delicacy of feelings which I undoubtedly +possess, that revolted against it. I felt this so deeply that I could +not write about it. I have grown more callous since. I still reproach +myself from time to time, and seriously reflect, but the feeling has +lost its poignancy. + +As to Aniela, I try to forget her, because the memory is troublesome, +or rather I cannot arrive at a clear understanding as to the whole +Ploszow episode. At times I feel inclined to think that I was not +worthy of her; at others, that I made an ass of myself over a girl +like dozens of others. This irritates my vanity, and makes me feel +angry with Aniela. One moment I feel an unsavory consciousness of +guilt in regard to her, in another the offence appears to me futile +and childish. Taken altogether, I do not approve of the part I played +at Ploszow, nor do I approve of the part I am playing here. The +division between right and wrong is becoming more and more indistinct +within me, and what is more I do not care to make it clearer. This is +the result of a certain apathy of mind, which again acts as a sleeping +draught; for when the inward struggle tires me out I say to myself: +"Suppose you are worse than you were--what of that? Why should you +trouble about anything?" + +Then I see another change in myself. Gradually I have got used to what +at first chafed my honor,--the insulting of the crippled man. I notice +that I permit myself hundreds of things I would not do if Davis, +instead of being physically and mentally afflicted, were an +able-bodied man capable of defending his own honor. We do not even +take the trouble of going out to sea. I never even imagined that my +sensitiveness could become so blunted. It is very easy to say to +myself: "What does the wretched Eastern matter to you?" But verily I +cannot get rid of the thought that my black-haired Juno is no Juno at +all,--that her name is Circe, and her touch changes men (as one might +say in correct mythological language) into nurslings of Eumaeus. + +And when I ask myself as to the cause, the answer shatters many of my +former opinions. It is this: our love is a love of the senses, but +not of the soul. The thought again comes back that we, the outcome of +modern culture, cannot be satisfied with it. Laura and I were like +unto gods and beasts with humanity left out. In a proper sense our +feelings cannot be called love; we are desirable to each other, but +not dear. If we both were different from what we are, we might be a +hundred times more unhappy, but I should not have the consciousness +that I am drawing near the shelter of Eumaeus. I understand that love +merely spiritual remains a shadow, but love without spiritualism +becomes utter degradation. It is another matter that some people +touched by Circe's wand may find contentment in their degradation. It +seems a sad thing and very strange that I, a man of the Hellenic type, +should write thus. Scepticism even here steps in, and in regard to +Hellenism I begin to have my doubts whether life be possible with +those worn-out forms; and as I am always sincere, I write what I +think. + + +30 April. + +Yesterday I received a letter from my aunt. It was sent after me from +Rome and dated two weeks back. I cannot understand why they kept it so +long at Casa Osoria. My aunt was sure I had gone to Corfu, but thought +I might have returned by this, and writes thus:-- + +"We have been expecting to hear from you for some time, and are +looking out with great longing for a letter. I, an old woman, am too +deeply rooted in the soil to be easily shaken, but it tells upon +Aniela. She evidently expected to hear from you, and when no letter +came either from Vienna or Rome, I saw she felt uneasy. Then came your +father's death. I said then, in her presence, that you could not think +now of anything but your loss; by and by you would shake off your +trouble and return to your old life. I saw at once that my words +comforted her. But afterwards, when week passed after week and you did +not send us a single line, she grew very troubled, mostly about your +health, but I fancy because she thought you had forgotten her. I, too, +began to feel uneasy, and wrote 'poste restante' to Corfu, as we had +agreed. Not getting any reply, I am sending another letter to your +house at Rome, because the thought that you may be ill makes us all +very unhappy. Write, if only a few lines; and, Leon, dear, pull +yourself together, shake off that apathy, and be yourself again. +I will be quite open with you. In addition to Aniela's troubles, +somebody has told her mother that you are known everywhere for your +love affairs. Fancy my indignation! Celina was so put out that she +repeated it to her daughter, and now the one has continual headaches, +and the other, poor child, looks so pale and listless that it makes +my heart bleed. And she is such a dear girl, and as good as gold. She +tries to look cheerful so as not to grieve her mother; but I am not so +easily deceived, and feel deeply for her. My dearest boy, I did not +say much to you at Rome, because I respected your affliction; but a +sorrow like that is sent by God, and we have to submit to His will and +not allow it to spoil our life. Could you not write a few words to +give us some comfort,--if not to me, at least to the poor child? I +never disguised it from you that my greatest wish was to see you two +happily married if it were in a year or two, as Aniela is a woman in a +thousand. But if you think otherwise it would be better to let me know +it in some way. You know I never exaggerate things, but I am really +afraid for Aniela's health. And then there is her future to be thought +of. Kromitzki calls very frequently upon the ladies, evidently with +some intentions. I wanted to dismiss him without ceremony, especially +as I have my suspicions that it was he who spread those tales about +you; but Celina solemnly entreated me not to do this. She is quite +distracted, and does not believe in your affection for Aniela. What +could I do? Suppose her motherly instinct is right, after all? Write +at once, my dear Leon, and accept the love and blessing of the old +woman who has only you now in the world. Aniela wanted to write to you +a letter of condolence after your father's death, but Celina did not +let her, and we had a quarrel over this. Celina is the best of women, +but very provoking at times. Kind greetings and love from us all. +Young Chwastowski is establishing a brewery on the estate. He had some +money of his own, and the rest I lent him." + +At first I thought the letter had not made any impression upon me; but +presently, when walking up and down the room, I found that I had been +mistaken. The impression increased every minute, and became very +strong indeed. After an hour I said to myself with amazement: "The +deuce is in it! I cannot think of anything else but that." Strange how +quick my thoughts travel, chasing each other like clouds driven by the +wind. What a creature of nerves I am! First, a great tenderness for +Aniela woke up within me. All that I had felt for her not long ago, +and that had lain dormant in odd nooks of my soul, stirred into life. +To go at once, soothe her, make her happy, was the first impulse of my +heart,--not clearly defined, perhaps, but very strong all the same. +When I imagined to myself the tearful eyes, her hands resting within +mine, the old feeling for her woke up with renewed strength. Then the +idea crossed my mind to compare her to Laura,--with a fatal result for +Laura. I felt sick of the life I was leading; felt the want of a purer +atmosphere than I was breathing here,--of restfulness, gentleness, and +above all, rectitude of feeling. At the same time a great joy filled +my heart, that nothing was lost yet, everything could be made right; +it depended only upon my will. Suddenly I bethought myself of +Kromitzki, and of Aniela's mother, who, not trusting me, is evidently +on his side. A dull anger rose within me, which, gradually increasing, +smothered all other feelings. The more my reason acknowledged that +Pani Celina was right in mistrusting me, the more I felt offended that +she should harbor that mistrust. I worked myself up into a terrible +rage against everybody, including myself. What I thought and felt can +be expressed in a few words: "Very well, let it be as they wish!" + +The letter came yesterday; to-day, analyzing myself more quietly, I +find to my own astonishment that the offence not only rankles in my +mind, but also has taken firmer root. I say to myself all that a +soberly thinking man can say in mitigation thereof, and yet I cannot +forgive either Aniela or her mother the Kromitzki business. Aniela +could have put a stop to it with one word, and if she has not done it, +she is sacrificing me to her mother's headaches. Besides, Kromitzki +lowers Aniela in my eyes, stains her, and brings her down to the level +of marriageable girls. I cannot even speak of it quietly. + +Maybe my reasoning and feeling are those of an exasperated man; maybe +that love of self is too predominant in me. I know that I am able to +look at and judge myself as a stranger would; but this dualism does +not help me in the least. I am more and more embittered. To write +about it irritates my nerves,--therefore, enough! + + +1 May. + +During the night I thought, "Perhaps to-morrow I shall be more +composed." Nothing of the kind. I am simply in a rage with Aniela, +Aniela's mother, my aunt, and myself. The wind ought to be tempered +for the shorn lamb, and they forget that my wool is deucedly thin. +After all, I am comfortable where I am. Laura is like a marble statue. +Near her nothing troubles me very much, because there is nothing +except beauty. I am tired of over-strained, tender souls. Let +Kromitski comfort her. + + +2 May. + +I carried the letter to the post-office myself. It was not a long one: +"I wish Pan Kromitzki every happiness with Panna Aniela, and Panna +Aniela with Pan Kroinitzki. You wished for a decision, dear aunt, and +I comply with your wish." + + +3 May. + +I was thinking whether my aunt's allusion to Kromitzki was but a piece +of female diplomacy in order to bring me to book. If so, she is to be +congratulated upon her skill and knowledge of human nature. + + +10 May. + +A week has passed. I have not written because I feel half suffocated, +torn by doubts, sorrow, and anxiety. Aniela has never been, and is not +indifferent to me. The words of Hamlet recur to me:-- + + "I loved Ophelia; forty thousand brothers + Could not, with all their quantity of love, + Make up my sum." + +I should only have to change the outcry:-- + +"I loved Aniela; forty thousand Lauras could not make up my sum." + +And needs must be that with my own hands I wrought the evil. There is +a glimmer of comfort in the thought that to be united to a man like me +might be a worse fate for her,--but it is not so. If she were mine I +would be true to her. Then again it rankles in my mind that perhaps +a Kromitzki is sufficient to her happiness. When I think of this +everything seethes within me, and I feel ready to send off another +such letter. + +It is done with! that is the only comfort for people like me, for then +they can fold their hands and idle away their time as before. Perhaps +it is a sign of exceptional weakness, but I find some comfort in it. +Now I can think in peace. + +I put to myself the question, "How is it that a man who not only +boasts of a thorough knowledge of self, but also possesses it, has for +some time almost blindly followed his instinctive impulses?" Of what +use is self-knowledge if at the first commotion of the nerves it hides +in a remote nook of the brain and remains there, a passive witness to +impulsive acts? To investigate things _post factum?_ I do not know of +what use this can be to me, but as I have nothing else to do, let us +investigate. Why did I act as I did? It must be because though I am an +intelligent man, very intelligent even (the deuce take me if I intend +to boast or flatter myself), I lack judgment. And chiefly it is the +calm, masculine judgment that is wanting. I do not control my nerves, +I am hypersensitive, and a crumpled roseleaf would irritate me. +There is something feminine in my composition. Perhaps I am not an +exception, and there are more of that type in my country, which is of +small comfort. This kind of mind may have much understanding, but is a +bad guide through life; it darts restlessly here and there, hesitates, +sifts, and filters every intention, and at last loses itself among +cross-roads. Consequently the capacity for acting gets impaired, and +finally it degenerates into a weakness of character, an innate and not +uncommon fault with us. Then I put to myself another question. Let us +say my aunt had not made any allusion to Kromitzki, would the result +have turned out differently? And truly I dare not say yes. It would +not have come so swiftly,--that is certain; but who knows whether in +the end it would have turned out more satisfactory. Weak characters +want infinite accommodations; only powerful ones are spurred on by +opposition. Laura, who in certain things is as subtle as musk, most +likely understood this and therefore showed herself so--gracious. + +Finally, what is the upshot of it? Am I a milksop? Not in the least. +A man who looks straight at truth would not shrink from confessing +it,--but no. I feel that I could go on an arctic expedition without a +moment's hesitation, be a missionary in darkest Africa. I am possessed +of a certain pluck, inherited courage, which would carry me through +many bold adventures and risky enterprises. My temperament is lively; +perhaps less nimble than Sniatynski, I am yet no laggard. But when +it comes to solving any of life's problems my scepticism renders me +powerless, my intellect loses itself in observations, reasonings, the +will has nothing to rest upon, and my acts depend mainly upon external +circumstances. + + +12 May. + +I never liked Laura, though I was and am still under the spell of +her physical charms. This at first sight looks like a paradox, but +nevertheless is a common enough occurrence. One may love and not like +the person in question. As often as I happened to meet a love full of +thorns and apt to take easily offence, it was only because there was +no real liking at the bottom. Now Sniatynski and his wife are not only +in love, but they like each other immensely, and therefore are happy. +Ah me! I feel I could have liked Aniela, and we might have been as +happy! Better not think about it. As to Laura, she will meet many who +may fall in love with her raven hair and statuesque beauty, but +she will never inspire real liking. This singular woman attracts +irresistibly, and at the same time repulses. I have said that beyond +beauty there is nothing else; for even her uncommon intelligence is +only the humble slave kneeling at the feet of her own beauty. Not more +than a week ago I saw Laura giving money to a child whose father had +been drowned recently, and I thought to myself: "She would put the +child's eyes out in the same way, gracefully and sweetly, if she +thought it would add to her beauty." One feels these things, and one +may lose one's head over a woman like that, but it is impossible to +like her. And she who understands so many things does not understand +this. + +Yet how beautiful she is! A few days ago, when she came down the steps +leading into the garden, swaying lightly on those magnificent hips, +"I thought I should drop," as the poet Slowacki says. Decidedly I +am under the sway of two powers,--the one attracting, the other +repelling. I want to go to Switzerland, and I want to go back to Rome. +I do not know how it will end. Ribot rightly says that a desire to do +a thing is only a consciousness, not an act of volition; still less is +it an act of volition to have a twofold desire. I received a letter +from my lawyer, who wants to see me about the affairs of the +succession; these are mere formalities, and they could arrange things +without me, did I feel disinclined to move. But it will serve as a +pretext. For some time I have liked Laura even less than formerly. It +is for no fault of hers, as she is always the same, but as it happens, +I have transferred to her some of the dislike I have for myself. At +the time of my inward struggles I turned to her not only for peace, +but also for a kind of wilful degradation; now for that very reason I +feel displeased with her. She did not even know of the storm raging +in my breast; besides, what could it matter to her, as it was nothing +which could serve her as an ornament? She only noticed that I was +feverish and more impulsive than usual; she asked a little after +the cause, but without insisting too much. Perhaps after all the +attraction here will win and I shall not depart; in any case, I am +going to tell her that I am obliged to go. I am curious to know how +she will take it, still more curious as I can imagine it very well. I +suspect that with all her love for me, which is very like my love for +her, she does not really like me,--that is, if she ever takes the +trouble to like or to dislike anybody. Our minds have certain points +of resemblance, but thousands of contradictions. + +I am terribly tired. I cannot help thinking of the sensation my letter +has made at Ploszow. I think incessantly of this even when with Laura; +I see before me continually Aniela and my aunt. How happy Laura is in +her everlasting repose! I have such difficulty to bear with my own +self. + +I shall be glad of a change. Peli, though a seaside resort, is very +empty. The heat is quite exceptional. The sea is calm; no waves wash +against the shore; it seems exhausted and breathless from the heat. +At times the wind rises, but it is a suffocating blast, that raises +clouds of white dust which covers the palms, fig-trees, and myrtles, +and penetrates through the blinds into the house. My eyes ache as the +walls reflect a glaring sun, and in the daytime it is impossible to +look at anything. + +To Switzerland or to Rome, but away from here. It seems anywhere it +would be better than here. We all prepare for the journey. I have not +seen Mr. Davis for four or five days. I fancy his insanity will break +out any day. The doctor tells me the poor man challenges him to fight. +He considers this a bad sign. + + +ROME, CASA OSORIA, 18 May. + +It was evidently solitude I wanted. I feel as I felt after my arrival +at Peli, sad, but at the same time peaceful. I feel even more peaceful +here than in my first days at Peli, because there is none of that +uneasiness Laura's presence used to give me. I walk about the still, +gloomy house, and find thousands of details that remind me of my +father, and the memory grows fresh again in my heart. He too had +vanished into the distant haze, and now I meet him again as in his +former, real life. There on the table in his studio are the lenses +through which he looked at his specimens, the bronze implement he +used in scraping the dry soil from the pottery; colors, brushes, +manuscripts, and notes about the collections are lying about. At times +I have a feeling as if he had gone out and would return presently to +his work, and when the illusion disappears a great sorrow seizes me, +and I love not only his memory, but love him who sleeps the eternal +sleep on the Campo Santo. + +And I feel sad; but the feeling is so infinitely purer than those +which had such absolute sway over my mind those last weeks that I feel +more at ease,--a better man, or, at least, not so corrupt as I had +seemed to myself. I notice also that no reasoning, nor the most +desperate argumentation can deprive us of a certain feeling of +satisfaction, when we come in contact with nobler elements. Whence +comes that irresistible, irrepressible tendency towards the good? +Spinning out this thread I go very far. Since our reason is considered +a reflection of the logical principle of all life, may not our +conception of good be a similar reflection from an absolute good. Were +it so, one might throw at once all doubts to the wind, and shout, not +only, "Eureka!" but also, "Alleluia!" Nevertheless, I am afraid lest +the foundation fall to pieces, like many others, and I dare not build +on it. Besides the reasoning is but vague; I shall go back to it +undoubtedly, because this means the extraction of a thorn, not from +the feet, but from the soul. Now I am too tired, too sad and restful +at the same time. + +It seems to me that of all creatures upon earth it is only the human +being that can act sometimes against his volition. I wanted to leave +Peli for some time, and yet day after day passed, and I remained. The +day previous to my departure I was almost certain I should stop, when +unexpectedly Laura herself helped me to a decision. + +I told her about the lawyer's letter and my going away, only to +see how she would receive the news. We were alone. I expected some +exclamation from her part, some emotion, and lastly a "veto." Nothing +of the kind took place. + +Hearing the news, she turned to me, passing her hand gently over my +hair; she brought her face close to mine, and said:-- + +"You will come back, will you not?" + +By Jove! it is still an enigma to me what she meant. Did she suppose I +was really obliged to go? or, trusting to the power of her beauty, had +she no doubt whatever that I would come back? or, finally, did she +grasp at the chance to get rid of me?--because after such a question +there remained nothing for me but to go. The caressing touch and +accompanying question are a little against the last supposition, +which after all seems to me the likeliest. At odd moments I am almost +certain she wanted to say by it:-- + +"It is not you who dismiss me; it is I who dismiss you." + +I confess that, if it was a dismission, Laura's cleverness is simply +amazing; all the more so, as the manner was so sweet and caressing, +and left me in uncertainty whether she was mocking me or not. But why +delude myself? By that simple question she had won the game. Perhaps +at other times my vanity would have suffered; but now it leaves me +indifferent. That same evening, instead of coolness, there was perfect +harmony between us. We separated very late. I see her still, walking +with me, her eyes lowered, as far as my room. She was simply so +beautiful that I felt sorry I was going. The next morning she said +good-by to me at the station. The bunch of tea-roses I lost only in +Genoa. Strange woman! As I went further on my journey, I felt side by +side a physical longing and a great relief. I went on to Rome without +stopping, and now feel as a bird released from his cage. + + +22 May. + +There is scarcely anybody I know in Rome. The heat has driven them to +their villas, or up into the mountains. In the daytime there are +few people in the streets except tourists, mostly Englishmen in +pith-helmets, puggarees, red Baedekers, with their everlasting "Very +interesting!" on their lips. At noon our Babuino is so deserted that +the footstep of a solitary passer-by re-echoes on the pavement. But in +the evening the street swarms with people. At that time I feel usually +very depressed, nervous, and restless. I go out, and walk about until +I am tired; and that gives me relief. I walk mostly on the Pincio, +three or four times along that magnificent terrace. At this time +lovers stroll about. Some couples walk arm in arm, their heads close +together, their eyes uplifted, as if overflowing with happiness; +others sit in the deep shadows of the trees. The flickering light of +the lamp reveals now and then half-concealed under his plumes the +profile of a Bersagliere, sometimes the light dress of a girl, or the +face of a laborer or student. Whispers reach my ear; love-vows and low +snatches of song. All this gives me the impression of a carnival of +spring. I find a singular charm in thus losing myself among the crowd, +and breathe their gayety and health. There is so much happiness and +simplicity! This simplicity seems to penetrate into my whole being, +and acts more soothingly upon my nerves than a sleeping draught. The +evenings are clear and warm, but full of cool breezes. The moon rises +beyond Trinitá dei Monti, and sails above that human beehive like a +great silver bark, illuminating the tops of trees, roofs, and towers. +At the foot of the terrace glimmers and surges the city, and somewhere +in the distance, on a silvery background, appears the dark outline of +St. Peter's, with a shining cupola like a second moon. Never did Rome +seem more beautiful to me, and I discover new charms every day. I +return home late, and go to bed almost happy in the thought that +to-morrow I shall wake up again in Rome. And I do sleep. I do not know +whether it is the exercise I take, but I sleep so heavily that it +leaves a kind of dizziness when I wake up in the morning. + +Part of the morning I spend with the lawyer. Sometimes I work at +compiling a catalogue of the collections for my own use. My father did +not leave any instructions as to his collections; consequently they +are my property. I would hand them over to the city, in fulfilment of +his wishes, if I were quite sure he did wish it. As he did not will +them away, he, moved by my aunt's remonstrances, may have left it to +me to bring them sometime or other over to Poland. That my father +thought of this in later times is proved by the numerous bequests and +codicils in his will. Among others there is one that touched me more +deeply than I can tell: "The head of the Madonna by Sassoferrato I +leave to my future daughter-in-law." + + +25 May. + +The sculptor Lukomski began a month ago a full-length statue of my +father, from a bust done by himself some years ago. I call upon him +often in the middle of the day to watch the progress of the work. The +studio is a barn-like building, with a huge skylight on the north +side; consequently no sun comes in, and the light is cold. When I sit +there I seem to be out of Rome altogether. To heighten the illusion, +there is Lukomski, with his Northern features, light beard, and the +dreamy blue eyes of a mystic. His two assistants are Poles, and the +two dogs in the yard are called Kruk and Kurta,--in short, the place +has the appearance of a northern isle in a southern sea. I like to go +there for the quaintness of the thing, and I like to watch Lukomski +at his work. There is in him at the same time so much power and +simplicity. He is especially interesting when he stands back a short +distance so as to get a better view of his work, and then suddenly +goes back as to an attack. He is a very talented sculptor. The shape +of my father seems to grow under his hand, and assume a wonderful +likeness. It will be not only a portrait, but a work of art. + +If anybody, it is he who is altogether absorbed in the beauty of form. +It seems to me that he works out his thoughts by the help of Greek +noses, heads, arms, and torsos, more than by help of ideas. He has +lived fifteen years at Rome, and still goes to galleries and museums, +as if he had arrived yesterday. This proves that worship of form may +fill a man's life, and become his religion, provided he is its high +priest. Lukomski has as much veneration for beauty in human shape as +devotees for holy shrines. I asked him which he considered the most +beautiful woman in Rome. He answered, without hesitation, "Mrs. +Davis;" and there and then, with his plastic thumbs, with the +expressive motion common to artists, he began to draw her outline in +the air. Lukomski, as a rule, is self-contained and melancholy; but +at this moment he was so animated that his eyes lost their mystic +expression. "Like this, for instance," he said, drawing a new line, +"or like that. She is the most beautiful woman not only in Rome, but +in the whole world." He says that when she lifts her head, the neck +is as the continuation of the face,--the same breadth, which is very +rare; sometime on the Transtevere one might see women with similar +necks; but never in that perfection. Really, who seeks to find a flaw +in Laura's beauty, must seek in vain. Lukomski goes so far as to +maintain that statues ought to be raised to women like her in their +lifetime. Of course, I did not contradict him. + + +29 May. + +The Italian law procedure begins to bore me. How slow they are, in +spite of their vivacity! and how they talk! I am literally talked to +shreds. I sent for some of the newest French novels, and read for +whole days. The writers make upon me the impression of clever +draughts-men. How quickly and skilfully each character is outlined! +and what character and power in those sketches! The technical part can +go no farther. As to the characters thus drawn, I can only say what I +said before,--their love is only skin deep. This may be the case now +and then; but that in the whole of France nobody should be capable of +deeper feelings, let them tell this to somebody else. I know France +too well, and say that she is better than her literature. That running +after glaring, realistic truth makes the novel untrue to life. It is +the individual we love; and the individual is composed not only +of face, voice, shape, and expression, but also of intelligence, +character, a way of thinking,--in brief, of various intellectual and +moral elements. My relation to Laura is the best proof that a feeling +founded upon outward admiration does not deserve the name of love. +Besides, Laura is an exceptional case. + + +31 May. + +Yesterday I lunched with Lukomski; in the evening I loitered as usual +on the Pincio. My imagination sometimes plays me strange tricks. I +fancied that Aniela was leaning on my arm. We walked together, +and talked like people who are very fond of each other. I felt so +happy,--so different from what I had felt near Laura! When the +illusion vanished I felt very lonely; I did not want to go home. That +night I could not sleep at all. + +How utterly unprofitable my life is! These continual searchings of +my mind are leading me into the desert. And it might have been so +different! I am surprised that the memory of Aniela should be still so +fresh and green. Why is it that I never dream of walking arm-in-arm +with Laura? And since I come to mention her name, I add inwardly, +"Perdition upon the memory!" I often think I have been holding +happiness by both wings, and let it escape. + + +2 June. + +I never was so amazed in my life as to-day, in regard to Lukomski. We +went together to the museum on the Capitol. When near the Venus, +he surprised me by saying he preferred the Neapolitan Psyche by +Praxiteles, as being more spiritual. A strange confession from a +sculptor like him; but a greater surprise was in store for me near +"The Dying Gladiator." Lukomski looked at him for nearly half an hour, +then said, through clenched teeth, as he does when deeply moved,--"I +have heard it said a hundred times that he has a Slavonic face, but +really the likeness is wonderful. My brother has a farm,--Koslowka, +near Sierpiec. There was one of the laborers, Michna, who was drowned +driving horses through the water. I tell you it is exactly the same +face. I come here very often for an hour, because I feel a longing to +look at it." + +I could not believe my ears, and was surprised the roof of the Capitol +did not come down on our heads. Sierpiec, Koslowka, Michna, here in +the world of the antique, of classic forms! and from whose lips?--from +those of Lukomski! I saw at once, peeping out from beneath the +sculptor, the man. And that is the artist, I thought,--that the Roman, +the Greek! You come here to look at the Gladiator, not so much for the +sake of the form, as because he reminds you of Michna from Koslowka. +I begin to understand now the taciturnity and melancholy. Lukomski +evidently guessed my thoughts; for, the mystic eyes looking straight +before him, he began in a broken voice to reply to my unuttered words: +"Rome is well enough,--to live in, but not to die in! I am getting on +fairly well,--no right to complain. I remain here because I must; but +the longing for the old place tears me like all the devils. When the +dogs bark at night in the garden, I fancy the sound comes from the +village; and I feel as if I could scratch the walls. I should go mad +if I did not go there once a year. I am going now, shortly, because I +cannot breathe here any longer." + +He put his hand to his throat, and screwed up his mouth as if +to whistle, to hide the trembling of the lips. It was almost an +explosion,--the more astounding, as it was so unexpected. A sudden +emotion seized me at the thought of the vast difference between me and +such men as he and Sniatynski. Even now I think of it with a certain +apprehension. There are vast horizons out of my reach. What an +intensity of feeling there is in those men! They may be happy or +wretched with it; but how immeasurably richer they are than I! +There is no danger of life becoming to them a desert and a barren +wilderness. In each of them there is life enough for ten. I too feel +conscious of ties to my country; but the consciousness is not so +pressing, does not burn with the same steady light, and is not part +of myself. My existence does not depend upon any Koslowka, Michna, or +Ploszow. Where men such as Sniatynski or Lukomski find live springs +from which they draw their motive vigor, I find dry sand. And yet, if +they had not this basis, there remains still, for one his sculpture, +for the other his literature. It seems incredible that a man +possessing so many conditions of happiness should be not only so +little happy, but clearly does not see the reason why he should exist +at all. + +It is doubtless my bringing up which has something to do with +it,--those Metzes, Romes, Paris; I have always been as a tree taken +from its soil and not firmly planted in another. Partly it is my own +fault; because I am putting points of interrogation all along the road +of life, and philosophize where others love only. The consequence is +that philosophy, instead of giving me anything, has eaten my heart +away. + + +8 June. + +I note down the occurrences of a whole week. I received, among other +letters, one from Sniatynski. The honest fellow is so concerned about +the turn my affair with Aniela has taken that he does not even abuse +me. He tells me, though, that his wife is angry past forgiveness, and +does not allow my name to be mentioned in her presence,--considers me +a perfect monster, who finds his only delight in gloating over fresh +victims. For once I am a good Christian, and not only do not bear +malice to the little woman, but feel very friendly towards her. What a +warm, generous heart hers is! Sniatynski evidently thinks the question +finally settled; for he refrains from advice, and only expresses +sorrow. + +"God grant," he writes, "you may find another like her." Strange, when +I come to think of it! It seems to me that I do not want another like +Aniela, or a better one either,--I want her. I say it seems to me; +for it is a feeling without any definite shape. I carry within me +something like an entangled skein; I weary myself, and yet am not able +to reduce it to any kind of order. In spite of all my self-knowledge, +I cannot quite make out what it is that makes me feel sad. Is it +because I find I love her, or is it because I feel I could love her +very much? Sniatynski unconsciously replies to this question in these +words: "I have heard or read that gold nuggets have sometimes a large +admixture of quartz, which must be crushed in order to get at the +gold. I suppose your heart is thus covered with an incrustation, that +only partly melted while you were staying at Ploszow. You did not +remain long enough, and simply had no time to let your love grow +sufficiently strong. You have, maybe, energy enough to act, but not +enough to decide; but you would have found the energy if the feeling +had been powerful enough. You went away, and according to your custom, +began to ponder, to think it over; and it came to pass, as I was +afraid it would, that you philosophized away your own happiness and +that of another." What strikes me most in Sniatynski's words is +that they are almost a repetition of what my father said to me. But +Sniatynski penetrates deeper; for he adds almost immediately: "It is +the old story,--he who inquires too deeply into his own mind ends by +disagreeing with himself; and who disagrees with himself is incapable +of any decision. Truly times must be out of joint, when only asses +have any power of action left, and those who have a little more +intelligence use it to doubt everything, and to persuade themselves +that it is not worth while to attempt anything." I have read similar +observations in one of the French authors; and by Jove! he is right. + +I almost wish Sniatynski had given me a downright scolding, instead of +larding his letter with sentences like this "In spite of all your good +qualities it will come to this, that you will always be a cause of +suffering and anxiety to those who love you." He brings it home with a +vengeance. I have caused suffering to Aniela, her mother, and my-aunt, +and to myself also. I feel inclined to laugh a little as I read +further: "According to the laws of nature, there is always something +growing within us; beware, lest it be a poisonous weed that will +destroy your whole existence!" No,--I am not afraid of that. There +is some mould sown by Laura's fair hands, but it grows only on the +outward crust of which Sniatynski speaks, and has not struck any +roots. There is no need of uprooting anything; it is as easily wiped +off as dust. Sniatynski is more reasonable when he is himself again, +and steps forth with his pet dogma that lies always close to his +heart: "If you consider yourself a superior type, or even if you be +such, let me tell you that the sum total of such superiority, is +socially, a minus quantity." + +I am far from considering myself a superior type, unless it be in +comparison to such as Kromitzki; but Sniatynski is right. Men like me +escape being minus quantities in society only when they are men of +science or great artists,--not artists without portfolios. Often they +take the part of great reformers. As to myself I could only be a +reformer as regards my own person. I went about with that thought all +the day. + +It is surpassing strange that, knowing my own short-comings so well, I +do not make any attempt to mend matters. For instance, after debating +for half a day whether to go out or not, ought I not to take myself by +the collar and thrust myself into the street? I am a sceptic?--very +well! Could I not act for once as if I were not a sceptic? A little +more or less conviction, what does it matter? What ought I to do now? +Pack up my things and go straight to Ploszow. I could do it easily +enough. What the result of such a step would be, I do not know, but at +any rate it would be doing something. Then Sniatynski writes: "That +ape is now every day at Ploszow, keeping watch over the ladies, who, +without that additional trouble, are worn to shadows." + +Perhaps it is too late. Sniatynski does not say when he was last at +Ploszow, perhaps a week ago or maybe two; since then things may have +gone much farther. Yes, but I do not know anything for certain, and +when all is said how can it be worse than it is already? I feel that +anybody with a little more energy in his composition would go at once, +and I should feel more respect for myself if I brought myself to do +it, especially as Sniatynski, who is usually so enterprising, does not +urge me. The very thought brightens me up, and in this brightness I +see a beloved face which at this moment is dearer to me than anything +else in the world, and--per Baccho! I shall most probably do it. + + +9 June. + +"La nuit porte conseil." I will not go at once to Ploszow, it would be +a journey in the dark; but I have written a long letter to my aunt, +quite different from that I wrote at Peli. Within a week, or at the +most ten days, I shall get an answer, and according to it I shall +either go or stay,--in fact, I do not know myself yet what I shall do. +I might count upon a favorable answer if I had written for instance +like this: "Dearest aunt, send Kromitzki about his business; I beg +Aniela to forgive me. I love her, and my dearest wish is to make her +my wife." Unless she were married already,--and things could not have +been managed there so speedily,--such a letter could have but one +result. But I did not write anything of that kind. My missive was +intended to reconnoitre the position, sent in fact as a scout to find +out how affairs were progressing, and partly, to learn what Aniela +was thinking. To say the truth, if I did not express myself more +definitely, it is because experience has taught me to mistrust myself. +Ah! if Aniela, in spite of the wrong inflicted upon her by me, +refused Kromitzki, how gratified I should feel towards her; and how +immeasurably higher she would rise in my esteem if once removed from +the ranks of marriageable girls whose only aim is to get a husband. +What a pity I ever heard about Kromitzki. Once rid of the entanglement +with Laura, I should have flown on wings to Aniela's side. This dear +aunt has managed things with a clumsy hand in writing to me about +Kromitzki and the encouragement he had from Aniela's mother. In these +times of overwrought nerves, it is not only women that are like +sensitive plants. A rough touch, and, the soul shrinks, folds itself +up, maybe forever. I know it is foolish, even wrong, but I cannot help +it. To change myself I should have to order at an anatomist's a new +set of nerves, and keep those I have for special occasions. No one, +not even Pani Sniatynski, can judge me more severely than I judge +myself. But is Kromitzki better than I? Is his low, money-making +neurosis better than mine? Without any boastfulness I may say that I +have more delicacy of feeling, nobler impulses, a better heart, more +tenderness, and--his own mother would be obliged to own it--more +intelligence. It is true I could not make millions to save my life; +but then Kromitzki has not achieved it yet; instead of that, I could +guarantee that my wife would spend her life in a broader and warmer +atmosphere; there would be more sincerity in it and nobler aims. + +It is not the first time I have compared myself to Kromitzki, and it +makes me angry considering what a vast difference there is between us. +We are like inhabitants of different planets, and as to our souls, if +one has to climb up to reach mine, such as Aniela would have to stoop +very low to reach his. But would this be such a difficult task for +her? It is a horrible question; but in regard to women I have seen so +monstrous things, especially in my country where the women generally +speaking are superior to the men, that I am obliged to consider it. +I have seen girls, angels in all but wings, full of noble impulses, +sensitive to everything beautiful and uncommon, not only marry +louts of narrow and mean characters, but adopt after marriage their +husbands' maxims of life, vanities, narrowness, and commonplace +opinions. What is more, some of them did this eagerly, as if former +ideals were only fit to be thrown aside with the bridal wreath. They +seemed to labor under the conviction that only thus they could prove +themselves true wives. It is true that sometimes a reaction follows, +but in a general sense Shakspeare's Titania is a common enough type, +to be met with every day. + +I am a sceptic from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, but +my scepticism springs from pain, for it hurts me to think that such +may be Aniela's fate. Perhaps she too will shrug her shoulders at the +memory of her girlish aspirations, and consider contracts in Turkestan +better adapted to practical life. A dull wrath seizes me at the +thought, all the more as it will be partly my fault, that is, if it +should come to that. + +On the other side these reflections and vacillations are not merely +the result of a want of decision, as Sniatynski seems to think. I have +such a high conception about marriage, such lofty demands, that they +take away my courage. It is true that often husband and wife fit each +other like two warped boards, and yet jog through life contentedly +enough; but this would not be enough for me. For the very reason that +I believe in happiness so little, I should like to attain it; but can +I attain it? It is not so much the unhappy marriages I have met with +that make me so wavering, but the few happy ones I have seen; at the +remembrance of these I ask myself, "Is it possible I could be so +happy?" And yet happiness is not met with in fiction only,--but how to +know where to look for it! + + +11 June. + +In the last few days I have become quite intimate with Lukomski. He +is not so self-contained and melancholy as he used to be. Yesterday, +towards evening, he came to see me; we went out for a walk as far as +the Thermes of Caracalla; then I asked him to come back with me, and +he stopped until midnight. I had a long talk with him, which I note +down, as it made upon me a certain impression. Lukomski seemed a +little ashamed of the exhibition of feeling he had made near "The +Dying Gladiator;" but I led him on and gradually came to know the +man as he really was. As we were growing very friendly I ventured to +remark,-- + +"Excuse the question, but I cannot understand why a man so fond of +domestic life has not taken to himself a companion. Neither your +studio, your assistants, nor your dogs can give you the feeling of a +home you are missing, as a wife would." + +Lukomski smiled, and pointing to the ring on his finger, said,-- + +"I am going to be married shortly. We are only waiting because the +young lady is in mourning for her father; I am to join her in two +months." + +"At Sierpiec?" + +"No, she comes from Wilkomierz." + +"What took you to Wilkomierz?" + +"I have never been there. I met her by accident on the Corso in Rome." + +"That was a fortunate accident, was it not?" + +"The most fortunate in my life." + +"Was it during the Carnival?" + +"No. It happened in this way: I was on my way to the studio when, in +the Via Condotto, I saw two fair-haired women inquiring in very +bad Italian the way to the Capitol. They were saying: 'Capitolio, +Capitole, Capitol,' and nobody seemed to know what they wanted, +because here, as you know, they call it 'Campidolio.' I could not have +been mistaken,--they were Poles, evidently mother and daughter. They +were overjoyed when I addressed them in Polish; I was very glad too, +and so I not only showed them the way but went there with them." + +"You have no idea how this interests me; and so you went together?" + +"Yes, we went together. On the way I looked at the younger lady; a +figure like a young poplar, graceful, pretty, a small head, ears a +perfect model, the face full of expression, and eyelashes pure gold, +such as, you find only at home; there is nothing of that kind here, +unless now and then at Venice. She pleased me very much too because of +that thoughtfulness for her mother, who was in grief, having lost her +husband; I thought she must have a good heart. For about a week I went +with them everywhere, and then asked for the young lady's hand." + +"After a week's acquaintance; is it possible?" + +"Yes, because the ladies were going back to Florence." + +"At any rate you are not one of those who take a long time to make up +their minds." + +"At home it would have taken much longer; but here, sir, the very +thought they were my countrywomen made me long to kiss their hands." + +"Yes, but marriage is such an important step." + +"That is true; but three or four weeks more would not help me to a +clearer view of it. I had certain scruples, I confess; I feel a little +reluctant to speak of it. In our family there is hereditary deafness. +My grandfather at an advanced age became quite deaf. My father was +deaf at forty. One can live with that, but it is a great drawback, +because deaf people as a rule are irritable. I debated within myself +whether it was right for a young girl to marry a man threatened with +such a defect, and who in course of time might become a burden to +her." + +I began to observe now that Lukomski had in the expression of his +eyes, and the way he listened to what was said to him, a certain +peculiarity noticed in deaf people. His hearing was still excellent, +but he evidently feared that he might be losing the faculty. + +I told him he had no right to let that stand in his way. + +"I thought so a little myself. It is not worth while to spoil one's +life for a thing that may never happen. There is the cholera that +sweeps now and then over Italy; it would be foolish for Italians not +to marry for fear they might leave orphans and widows. Besides I have +done what I considered my duty. I told Panna Vanda that I loved +her and would give my life to call her my own, but there was this +impediment. And do you know what her answer was? 'When you are no +longer able to hear me saying I love you, I will write it.' All this +did not come off without some crying, but an hour afterwards we made +merry over it. I pretended to have suddenly grown deaf, to make her +write, 'I love you.'" + +This conversation fixed itself in my mind. Sniatynski is wrong when +he maintains that among us only asses have still a kind of will. +This sculptor had a real motive to reflect, and yet a week seemed +sufficient for such a weighty decision. Maybe he does not possess the +same knowledge of self as I, but he is a very intelligent fellow. What +a plucky woman the future Pani Lukomska is; I like her ready answer. +Aniela would do the same. If, for instance, I were to lose my +eyesight, Laura would care only in so far as she could show me off, a +picturesque Demadoc, singing at her feast; but Aniela would take care +of me even if she were not my wife. + +I must acknowledge that, having such convictions, a week of indecision +seems a long time; and here I have been wavering for five months, and +the letter I wrote to my aunt was not very decisive either. + +But I comfort myself with the thought that my aunt is a clever woman, +and loving me as she does, will guess what I meant to say, and will +help me in her own way; and then there is Aniela who will assist her. +Nevertheless, I regret now that I did not write more openly, and I +feel half inclined to send another letter, but will not yield to the +impulse. Perhaps it will be as well to wait for the reply. Happy those +people, like Lukomski, whose first impulse is towards action. + + +15 June. + +Whatever name I might give to the feeling I cherish for Aniela, it is +different from anything I ever felt before. Either night or day she is +never out of my thought; it has grown into a kind of personal affair +for which I feel responsible to myself. This never used to be the +case. My other love affairs lasted a longer or shorter time, their +memories were pleasant sometimes, a little sad at others, or +distasteful as the case might be, but never absorbed my whole being. +In the idle, aimless life we are leading, woman, perforce, occupies a +large space,--she is always before us; we bestow our attentions upon +her until we become so used to it that she counts only as a venial sin +in our lives. To disappoint a woman causes us but little trouble +of conscience, though a little more perhaps than she feels in +disappointing us. With all the sensitiveness of my nature, I have a +rather blunted conscience. Sometimes it happened I said to myself, +"Now is the time for a pathetic lecture!" but I only shrugged my +shoulders and preferred to think of something more pleasant. This time +it is altogether different. For instance, I think of something that +has no connection with it whatever; presently I am overcome by a +feeling that something is missing, a great trouble seizes me, a fear +as if I had forgotten something of great importance, not done a thing +I ought to have done; and I find out that the thought of Aniela has +percolated through every nook and cranny of the mind, and taken +possession of it. It knocks there night and day like the death-tick in +the desk of Mickiewicz's poem. When I try to lessen or to ridicule the +impression, my scepticism and irony fail me, or rather help me only +for a moment; then I go back to the enchanted circle. Strictly +speaking, it is neither a great sorrow nor a sting of conscience; it +is rather a troublesome fastening upon one subject, and a restless, +feverish curiosity as to what will happen next,--as if upon that next +my very life depended. If I analyzed myself less closely, I should say +it was an all-absorbing love that had taken possession of me; but I +notice that there is something besides Aniela that causes me anxiety. +There is no doubt as to her having made a deep impression upon me; but +Sniatynski is right,--if I had loved her as much as Sniatynski loved +his wife, I should have desired to make her my own. But I--and this is +quite a fact--do not desire her so much as I am afraid to lose her. +It is not everybody perhaps who could perceive the singular and great +difference. I feel quite convinced that but for Kromitzki and the fear +of losing Aniela, I should not feel either anxieties or trouble. My +entangled skein is gradually getting straighter, and I can see now +more clearly that it is not so much love for Aniela as fear of losing +her, and with her some future happiness, that moves me, and still more +the utter loneliness I see before me should Aniela go out from my +life. + +I have noticed that the stoutest pessimists, when fate or men try to +take something out of their lives, fight tooth and nail, and cry out +as loud as the greatest optimists. I am exactly in the like position. +I do not cry out, but a terrible fear clutches at my heart, that a few +days hence I shall not know what to do with myself in this world. + + +16 June. + +I had indirect news of Laura through my lawyer, who is also their +legal adviser. Mr. Davis is already in a lunatic asylum, and Laura at +Interlaken, at the foot of the Jungfrau. Perhaps she has some ideas +about climbing the mountain heights, drapes herself in Alps, eternal +snow, and rising sun, sails gracefully on the lake, and bends over +precipices. I expressed my regret at Mr. Davis's condition, and the +lady's, who at so early an age was left without protection. Thereupon +the old lawyer set my mind at rest, telling me that Count Maleschi, a +Neapolitan, and Laura's cousin, had gone to Switzerland. I know +him. He is beautiful as an Antinous, but an inveterate gambler, and +somewhat of a coward. It appears I was a little out of my reckoning +when I compared Laura to the tower of Pisa. + +It has happened to me literally for the first time that the memory of +a woman whom I did not love, though I made her believe I did, rouses +within me much ill-feeling. I am so ungrateful and ungenerous to her +that it makes me feel ashamed. Plainly, what reason have I for any +ill-feeling, and what has she done to me that I cannot forgive? It is +because, as I said before, from the very beginning of our relations, +though not through any fault of hers, I did many things I have +never done before in my life. I did not respect my sorrow, had +no consideration for the weakness and helplessness of Davis, got +corrupted, slothful, and finally sent off that fatal letter. + +It is all my fault! But the blind man when he stumbles over a stone, +curses the stone, not the blindness that made him stumble. + + +17 June. + +To-day I paid Lukomski, gave a power of attorney to the lawyer, had my +things packed, and am ready for the journey. Rome begins to pall upon +me. + + +18 June. + +I have been counting that my aunt's reply ought to have reached me by +this. Putting aside all the worst suppositions, I try to guess what +she is going to tell me. I regret, for I do not know how many times, +that my letter was not more conclusive. Yet I wrote that I would come +to Ploszow if I felt sure my presence would be acceptable to my aunt's +guests, sending them my kindest regards at the same time. I also +mentioned that during the last days of my stay at Peli I felt so +irritable that I scarcely knew what I was doing. The letter, while I +was writing it, seemed to me very clever; now it appears to me as the +height of folly. It was simply that my vanity did not permit me to +revoke clearly and decidedly what I had written previously. I counted +upon my aunt grasping at the opportunity I gave her for settling +matters, and then I meant to make my appearance as the generous +prince. Human nature is very pitiful. Nothing now remains but to hold +fast to the hope that my aunt would guess how it stood with me. + +With my anxiety increasing every moment, I feel not only that I could +have loved Aniela, but that I do love her beyond expression, and also +that I might become an incomparably better man. Strictly speaking, why +do I act as if beyond nerves and egoism there were nothing else in me? +and if there be anything else, why does not my auto-analysis point it +out to me? I have the courage to draw extreme conclusions, and do not +hide the truth from myself, but I decidedly negative the notion. +Why? Because I have the unshaken conviction that I am better than my +actions. The cause of the latter is partly a certain incapacity of +life, partly the inheritance of my race and the disease of the times +in which I live, and finally that over-analysis which does not permit +me to follow the first, simple impulses of nature, but criticises +until it reduces the soul to utter impotence. When a child I used to +amuse myself by piling up coin upon coin until the column, bending +under its own weight, tumbled down into one chaotic heap. I am doing +now exactly the same with my thoughts and intentions, until they +collapse and roll over each other in a disorderly confusion. For this +very reason it has always been easier for me to play a passive part +than an active one. It appears to me that many cultured people are +attacked by the same disease. Criticism of ourselves and everything +else is corroding our active power; we have no stable basis, no point +of issue, no faith in life. Therein lies the reason why I do not care +so much to win Aniela as I am afraid of losing her. In speaking of a +disease common to our time, I will not confine myself exclusively to +my own case. That somebody takes to his bed when an epidemic disease +is raging is a very common occurrence; nowadays criticism of +everything is the epidemic spreading all over the world. The result +is that various roofs that sheltered men collapse over their heads. +Religion, the very name of which means "ties," is getting unloosened. +Faith, even in those who still believe, is getting restive. Through +the roof of what we call Fatherland social currents begin to filter. +There remains only one ideal in presence of which the most hardened +sceptic raises his hat,--the People. But on the base of this statue +mischievous spirits are beginning already to scribble more or less +ribald jokes, and, what is still more strange, the mist of unbelief is +rising from the heads of those who, in the nature of things, ought +to bow down reverently. Finally there will come a gifted sceptic, a +second Heine, to spit and trample on the idol, as in his time did +Aristophanes; he will not, however, trample on it in the name of old +ideals, but in the name of freedom of thought, in the name of freedom +of doubt; and what will happen then I do not know. Most likely on the +huge, clean-wiped slate the devil will write sonnets. Can anything +be done to prevent all this? Finally, what does it matter to me? To +attempt anything is not my business; I have been trained too carefully +as a child of my time. But if all that is thought, that is achieved +and happening, has for its ultimate aim to increase the sum of general +happiness, I permit myself a personal remark as to that happiness; by +which I do not mean material comfort, but that inward spiritual peace +in which I as well as anybody else may be wanting. Thus my grandfather +was happier than my father, my father happier than I, and as to my +son, if ever I have one, he will simply be an object of commiseration. + + +FLORENCE, 20 June. + +The house of cards has tumbled down. I received a letter from my aunt. +Aniela is engaged to Kromitzki, and the marriage will take place in a +few weeks. She herself has fixed such a short date. After receiving +the news I took a railway ticket, with the intention of going straight +to Ploszow, conscious all the time that it was a foolish thing to do, +which could lead to nothing. But the impulse was upon me, and carried +me along; when, collecting the last remnants of common-sense and +reflection, I stuck fast here. + + +FLORENCE, 22 June. + +Simultaneously with my aunt's letter, I received a "faire part" +addressed in a female hand. It is not Aniela's handwriting, or her +mother's; neither of them would have done it. Most likely it is Pani +Sniatynska's malicious device. Upon the whole, what does it matter? I +got a blow with a club on the head, and feel dizzy; it has shaken me +more than it has hurt. I do not know how it will be later on; they say +one does not feel a bullet wound at once. But I have not sent a bullet +through my head, I am not mad; I look at the Lung Arno; I could sit +down to a game of patience if I knew how to play; in fact, I am quite +well. It is the old story,--among sincere friends the dogs tore the +hare to pieces. My aunt considered it her Christian duty to show +Aniela the letter I had written from Peli. + + +FLORENCE, 23 June. + +In the morning, when I wake up,--or rather, when opening my +eyes,--I am obliged to repeat to myself that Aniela is marrying +Kromitzki,--Aniela, so good, so loving, who insisted on sitting up to +take care of me when I returned from Warsaw to Ploszow; who looked +into my eyes, hung upon every word that came from my lips, and with +every glance told me she was mine. That same Aniela will not only be +Kromitzki's wife, but within a week from the wedding will not be able +to conceive how she could ever hesitate in her choice between such a +man as Ploszowski and a Jupiter like Kromitzki. Strange things happen +in this world,--so terrible and irrevocable that it takes away the +desire to live out the mean remnant of one's existence. Most likely +Pani Celina together with Pani Sniatynska make a great ado about +Kromitzki, and praise him at my expense. I hope they will leave Aniela +in peace. It is my aunt's doing; she ought not to have allowed it, if +only for Aniela's sake, as she cannot possibly be happy with him. She +herself says Aniela has accepted him out of despair. + +Here is that long, cursed letter:-- + +"I thank you for the last news,--all the more as that first letter +from Peli was not only conclusive, but also very cruel. I could +scarcely believe that you had not only no affection for the girl, but +also neither friendship nor compassion. My dear Leon, I never asked +nor advised you to become engaged to Aniela at once,--I only wanted +you to write a few kindly words, not to her directly, but in a letter +to me. And believe me, it would have been sufficient; for she +loved you as only girls like her can love. Put yourself in my +position,--what could I do after having received your letter? How +could I conscientiously allow her to remain in her illusion, and at +the same time in that anxiety that evidently undermined her health? +Chwastowski always sends a special messenger for papers and letters, +and brings them himself when he comes to breakfast. Aniela saw there +was a letter from you, because the poor child was always on the +lookout for Chwastowski, and took the letters from him under pretext +that she wanted to put them under my napkin; and the real reason was +that she might see whether there was a letter from you. I noticed how +her hands trembled when she poured out the tea. Touched by a sudden +foreboding, I hesitated whether to put off the reading of your letter +until I had gone into my room; but I was anxious about your health, +and could not wait. God knows what it cost me not to show what I felt, +especially as Aniela's eyes were fixed upon my face. But I got a firm +grip of myself, and even managed to say: 'Leon is still sorrowing, +but, thank God! his health is all right, and he sends you kind +messages.' Aniela inquired, as it were in her usual voice, 'Is he +going to remain long in Italy?' I saw how much the question meant +to her, and had not the heart to undeceive her then,--especially as +Chwastowski and the servants were there; so I said merely: 'No, not +very long; I believe he will soon come to see us.' If you had seen the +flame that shot up in her face, the sudden joy that kindled her eyes, +and the effort she made not to burst into tears. Poor child! I feel +inclined to cry every time I think of it. What I went through in the +solitude of my own room, you cannot imagine; but you wrote distinctly, +'I wish her happiness with Kromitzki;' it was duty, my conscience told +me, to open her eyes. There was no need to send for her,--she came +herself. I said to her, 'Aniela, dear, you are a good girl, and a girl +that submits to God's will. We must be open with each other. I have +seen the affection that was springing up between you and Leon. It was +my dearest wish you might come to love each other; but evidently the +Lord willed it otherwise. If you have still any illusions, you must +try to get rid of them.' I took her into my arms; for she had grown +deadly white, and I was afraid she might faint. But she did not lose +consciousness, but hid her head on my knees and said over and over +again: 'What message did he send me?' I did not want to tell her, but +then it struck me it might be better for her if she knew the whole +truth; and I told her you wished her happiness with Kromitzki. She +rose, and after a moment said, in a quite changed voice: 'Thank him +for me, aunty!' and then left the room. I am afraid you will not thank +me for repeating to her your very words, without disguising them under +any kind expressions; but since you do not want Aniela, the more +plainly she is told about it the better. Convinced that you treated +her badly, she may forget you all the sooner. Besides, if it give +you pain, remember how much pain and anxiety you have caused +us,--especially Aniela. Yet she has more control over herself than I +even expected. Her eyes were quite dry the whole day, and she gave +no sign of inward trouble; she is anxious to spare her mother, about +whose health she is much concerned; she only clung more to her and +to me,--which moved me so deeply that it made my chin tremble. Pan +Sniatynski, who came to see us the same day, did not notice anything +unusual in Aniela. Knowing he is in your confidence, I told him all +about it; and he was dreadfully shocked, and got into such a rage with +you that it made me quite angry with him. I need not repeat what +he said,--you know his ways. You, who do not love Aniela, cannot +understand how happy you might have been with her; but you have done +wrong, Leon, in making her believe you loved her. Not only she,--we +all thought the same; and that is where the sting lies. Only God +knows how much she suffered; and it was this that made her accept +Kromitzki,--it was done out of despair. She must have had a long talk +with her mother, and then it was decided. When Kromitzki arrived the +day after, she treated him differently; and a week later they were +engaged. Pan Sniatynski heard about it only a few days ago, and he was +tearing his hair; and as to my own feelings, I will not even try to +put them into words. + +"I was more angry with you than I have ever been in my life with +anybody, and only your second letter has pacified me a little, though +it convinced me at the same time of the futility of my dreams. I +confess that after the first letter, and before Kromitzki had finally +proposed, I still thought: 'Perhaps God will be good to us and change +his heart; maybe he has written thus in a fit of auger!' but when +afterwards you sent kind messages to Aniela without denying or +contradicting what you had written in the first letter, I saw it was +of no use deceiving myself any longer. Aniela's wedding is to take +place on the 25th of July, and I will tell you why they have fixed +upon such a short date. Celina is really very ill, thinks she will +soon die, and is afraid her death might delay the marriage, and thus +leave Aniela without a protector. Kromitzki is in a hurry because he +has his business to attend to in the East; lastly, Aniela wishes to +drain the cup with as little delay as possible. Ah! Leon, my boy, +why should all this have happened, and why is that poor child made +unhappy? + +"I would never have allowed her to marry Kromitzki, but how could I +say a word against it, feeling as I do that I am guilty in regard +to Aniela. I was over-anxious to see you settled in life, and never +considered what might be the consequences for her. It is my fault, +and consequently I suffer not a little; I pray every day for the poor +child. + +"After the ceremony they will immediately leave for Volhynia. Celina +remains with me for the present; she was thinking of Odessa, but I +will not let her go on any account. You know, my dear boy, how happy I +am when you are with me, but do not come now to Ploszow for Aniela's +sake; if you wish to see me I will come to you, but we must spare +Aniela now as much as we can." + +Why deceive myself any longer? When I read that letter I felt as if I +could ram my head against the wall,--not in rage or jealousy but in +utter anguish. + + +23 June. + +I cannot possibly fold my hands and let things take their own way. +This marriage must not take place; it would be too monstrous. To-day, +Thursday, I have sent a telegram to Sniatynski, entreating him by all +the powers to be at Cracow by Sunday. I shall leave here to-morrow. I +asked him not to mention the telegram to anybody. I will see him, talk +to him, and beg him to see Aniela in my name. I count much upon his +influence. Aniela respects and likes him very much. I did not apply to +my aunt, because we men understand one another better. Sniatynski, as +a psychologist, can make allowance for the phase of life I have been +passing through lately. I can tell him, too, about Laura; if I were +to mention such a thing to my aunt she would cross herself as if in +presence of the Evil One. I first wanted to write to Aniela; but a +letter from me would attract attention and cause a general confusion. +I know Aniela's straight-forwardness; she would show the letter to her +mother, who does not like me and might twist the words so as to suit +her own schemes, and Kromitzki would help her. Sniatynski must see +Aniela alone. His wife will help him. I hope he will undertake the +mission, though I am fully aware what a delicate task it is. I have +not slept for several nights. When I shut my eyes I see Aniela before +me,--her face, her eyes, her smile,--I even hear her voice. I cannot +go on like this. + + +CRACOW, 26 June. + +Sniatynski has arrived. He has promised to do it,--good fellow, God +bless him for it! It is four o'clock at night, but I cannot sleep, so +I sit down to write, for I can do nothing else. We talked together, +discussed and quarrelled till three o'clock. Now he is sleeping in the +adjoining room. I could not at first persuade him to undertake the +mission. "My dear fellow," he said, "what right have I, a stranger, to +meddle in your family affairs, and such a delicate affair too? Pana +Aniela could reduce me to silence at once by saying, 'What business is +it of yours?'" + +I assured him that Aniela would do nothing of that kind. I +acknowledged he was right in the main, but this was an exceptional +case, and general rules could not apply to it. My argument that it was +for Aniela's sake seemed to convince him most; but I think he is doing +it a little for my sake too; he seemed sorry, and said I looked very +ill. Besides, he cannot bear Kromitzki. Sniatynski maintains that +money speculations is the same as taking money out of somebody +else's pocket and put it in one's own. He takes many things amiss in +Kromitzki, and says of him: "If he had a higher or honester aim in +view I could forgive him; but he tries to gain money for the mere sake +of having it." Aniela's marriage is almost as repugnant to him as +to me, and his opinion is that she is preparing a wretched life for +herself. At my entreaties he promised to take the first train in the +morning. + +The day after both he and his wife will go to Ploszow, and if they do +not find a chance of seeing Aniela alone, carry her off to Warsaw for +a few hours. He is going to tell Aniela how much I suffer, and that my +life is in her hands. He is able to do it. He will speak to her with a +certain authority, gently and persuasively; he will convince her that +a woman, however wounded her heart may be, has no right to marry the +man she does not love; that doing so she acts dishonestly, and is not +true to herself; that, likewise, she has no right to throw over the +man she loves, because in an access of jealousy he wrote a letter he +repents of now from the veriest depths of his heart. + +Towards the end Sniatynski said to me:-- + +"I will do what you wish under one condition: you must pledge me your +word that in case my mission fails, you will not go to Ploszow and +make a scene which the ladies might pay for with their health; you may +write to Aniela if you wish, but you will not go, unless she gives you +permission." + +What does he take me for? I promised unreservedly, but his words +increased my anxiety. But I count upon Aniela's heart and Sniatynski's +eloquence. Ah! how he can speak! He did not encourage my hopes, but I +can see he is hopeful himself. As a last resource he promised to get +Aniela to delay the marriage for six months. In that case the victory +is ours, for Kromitzki will draw back. I shall remember this day for +a long time. Sniatynski, when in presence of a real sorrow, can be as +gentle as a woman, and he was anxious to spare my feelings. Yet +it costs me something to lay bare even before such a friend my +madness,--weak points,--and put into his hands my whole fate, instead +of fighting it out by myself. But what does it all matter when Aniela +is in question? + + +27 June. + +Sniatynski left early. I went with him to the station. On the way I +kept repeating various instructions as if he were an idiot. He said +teasingly that if he were successful in his mission, I would begin +again philosophizing. I felt a desire to shake him. He went away with +such a cheerful face I could swear he feels sure not to fail. + +After his departure I went straight to St. Mary's Church, and I, the +sceptic, the philosopher, I who do not know, do not know, do not +know, had a mass offered in the names of Leon and Aniela. I not only +remained during mass in church, but put down here, black on white: +Perdition upon all my scepticism, philosophy, and my "I do not know!" + + +28 June. + +It is one o'clock in the afternoon. Sniatynski and his wife are +starting for Ploszow. Aniela ought to agree at least to a postponement +of her marriage. Various thoughts cross my mind. That Kromitzki is +greedy for money there is not the slightest doubt; then why did he not +fix his attentions on a richer girl? Aniela's estate is large, but +encumbered with debts,--perhaps it was the landed property he wanted, +so as to secure himself a position and a citizenship. Yet Kromitzki, +with his reputation as a rich man, could have got all this, and money +with his wife besides. Evidently Aniela attracted him personally +and for some time. It is not to be wondered at that Aniela should +captivate any one. + +And to think that she was waiting, as one waits for one's happiness or +salvation, for one word from me! My aunt says it, that she was lying +in wait for Chwastowski, to take the letters from him. A terrible fear +seizes me that all this may not be forgiven, and that I am doomed and +all those that are like me. + + +10 o'clock in the evening. + +I had a terrible neuralgia in the head; it has passed now, but what +with the pain, the sleeplessness, and anxiety, I feel as if I were +hypnotized. My mind, open and excited on one point, concentrated upon +one thought, sees more clearly than it has ever done before how the +affair will end. It seems to me that I am at Ploszow; I listen to what +Aniela says to Sniatynski, and I cannot understand how I could buoy +myself up with false hopes. She has no pity on me. These are not mere +suppositions, they are a dead certainty. Truly, something strange is +going on with me. A terrible gravity has suddenly fallen upon me, as +if up to this moment I had only been a child,--and such a terrible +sadness. Am I going to be ill? I made Sniatynski promise to send me a +telegram. No message has as yet arrived, though, properly speaking, it +will not tell me anything new. + + +29 June. + +The telegram has come. It contains these words: "It is of no +use,--pull yourself together and travel." Yes, I will do it. Oh, +Aniela! + + +Paris, 2 April. + +It is some ten months since I put down anything in my journal; it had +become such a familiar friend that I missed it. But I said to myself: +what is the use of it? If I put down on paper thoughts worthy of a +Pascal; deeper than the ocean depth; loftier than the Alps,--it would +not change the simple fact that she is married. With that fact staring +at me, my hands dropped powerless. Sometimes life concentrates itself +in one object, not necessarily an important one; but if that fails us +we seem at a loss what to do with ourselves. It is strange,--almost +laughable,--but for a long time I remained in a state of mind in which +the most commonplace functions of life seemed irksome and useless, +and it took me some time to remember that I used to go to clubs and +theatres, shaved, dressed, and dined before I knew her. The first +months I travelled a great deal, straying as far as Iceland. The sight +of Swedish lakes, Norwegian fiords, and Icelandic geysers conveyed to +me no direct impressions; I only tried to imagine what Aniela would +have felt or said to such a view,--in short, I saw with her eyes, +thought her thoughts, and felt with her heart. And when presently I +remembered that she was Aniela no longer, but Pani Kromitzka, I went +straight to the nearest railway station or ship to go somewhere else, +as what I looked upon had ceased to interest me. It did not matter +to me in the least that I played a part in one of the so commonly +ridiculed dramas where thousands of fools have played the same parts +before. And death is a drama; and those who are entering its gates +think the world is coming to an end; and so it is,--for them. + +I do not know, and will not enter into it now, whether my feeling +the first few months was one of fathomless despair. Everything is +relative. I know only that my whole being was absorbed by one woman, +and I understood for the first time the void created by the death of a +dearly loved being. + +But gradually the habit--not the zest--of life recovered its vital +power. This is a common enough fact. I have known people, inwardly +intensely sad, without a grain of cheerfulness in their souls, yet +keep up an appearance of cheerfulness because they had once been +cheerful, and the habit clung to them. And time dulls the pain, and I +found an antidote to the poison. I read once, in a book of travels by +Farini, that the Caffres, when stung by a scorpion, cure themselves +by letting the scorpion sting them in the same place. Such a +scorpion,--such an antidote,--was for me, and is generally for most +people, the word, "It is done; there is no help for it." + +It is done, therefore I suffer; it is done, and I feel relieved. +There is an anodyne in the consciousness that it cannot be helped. It +reminds me of the Indian carried away by the Niagara: he struggled +at first with all his strength against the current; but seeing the +hopelessness of his efforts, threw away his oar, laid himself down in +the bottom of the canoe, and began to sing. I am ready to sing now. +The Niagara Falls have that advantage--they crush the life out of a +man; there are others that throw him on a lonely barren shore without +water. This has happened to me. + +The evil genius bent upon wrecking my life had not taken in account +one thing: a man crushed and utterly wretched cares less for himself +than a happy one. In presence of that indifference fate becomes more +or less powerless. I was and am still in that frame of mind that, if +angry Fortuna came to me in person, and said: "Go to perdition," I +should reply calmly: "Be it so,"--not out of sorrow for the loss of +Aniela, but from mere indifference to everything within or without me. + +This is a special kind of armor which not only protects the man +himself, but also makes him dangerous to others. It is clear that +he who does not spare himself will not spare others. Even God's +commandment does not say: "Love thy neighbor more than thyself." It +does not follow that I mean to cut somebody's throat one of these +days. What I said has merely a theoretical bearing upon life in +general; nobody will be any the worse for it; for if indifference +diminishes altruism, it also lessens egoism. If I were to sleep +with my neighbor under the, same cloak, I should not surrender it +altogether; neither should I take it all to myself. + +Dangerous, and even very dangerous, such a man as I am may become +when at length he is aroused from his lethargy, drawn forth from the +seclusion of his egotism, and forced into definite action. He then +acquires the precision of motion, and also the merciless power, of +an engine, I have gained that mechanical power. For some time I have +noticed that I impress others by my way of thinking and my will more +strongly than formerly, though I have not sought it in the least. The +everlasting source of weakness is love of self, vanity, and coquetry +in regard to others. Almost unconsciously everybody tries to please, +to gain sympathy; and towards that end often sacrifices his own +opinions and convictions. At present this coquetry, if not altogether +gone, is greatly diminished; and the indifference as to whether I +please or not gives me a kind of superiority over others. I have +noticed that during my travels, and especially now at Paris. There are +many here who at one time had an ascendency over me; now I have the +ascendency, for the very reason that I care less for it. + +In a general way I look upon myself as a man who could be energetic +if he wished to exert himself; but the will acts in proportion to the +passions, and mine are in the passive state. + +As the habit of giving an account to myself for my thoughts and +actions still remains with me, I explain in this way that in certain +conditions of life we may as strongly desire not to live, as in others +we should wish the contrary. Most likely my indifference springs from +this dislike of life. It is this which renders it different from the +apathy of such men as Davis. + +It is quite certain that I have grown more independent than formerly, +and might say with Hamlet that there is something dangerous in +me. Fortunately nobody crosses my path. Everybody is as supremely +indifferent and cool towards me as I am in regard to them. Only my +aunt in far-away Ploszow loves me as of old; but I suppose even +her love has lost its active character, and there will be no more +match-making in my behalf. + + +3 April. + +Alas! that indifference I compared to pure water without taste or +color is only apparently colorless. Looking more closely I perceive +tiny bubbles which dim its purity. They are my idiosyncrasies. +Everything else has left me and they remained. I do not love anybody, +have no active hatred towards any one, but am full of aversions in +regard to various people. One of these is Kromitzki. I do not hate him +because he has taken Aniela from me; I dislike him for his long, flat +feet, his thick knees, lank figure, and that voice like a coffee-mill. +He was always repulsive to me, and I mention the fact now because that +aversion has such a strange vitality in me. I cannot help thinking of +people who jar upon my nerves. If only Kromitzki and Pani Celina came +under that category, I might think those antipathies were hatred in +the disguise of aversion. But it is not so. There are others who have +roused at some time or other an aversion in me that clings quite as +perversely to my memory. As I cannot ascribe it to the state of my +health,--I never felt better in my life,--I explain it in this way: +The world has robbed me of my love, time has dried up hatred, and as +the living individual must feel something, I live upon what remains to +me. I must also say that he who feels and lives thus does not get a +surfeit of happiness. + +My former sympathies have cooled down very considerably. To Sniatynski +I have taken a dislike which no reasoning on my part can overcome. +Sniatynski has many grand qualities and is pleasantly conscious of +them, which gives him, as painters express it, a certain mannerism. I +suppose it is exceedingly rare that a man who sees that his individual +characteristics impress people favorably does not fall in love with +his own type, and end by exaggerating it. Sniatynski consequently has +grown artificial, and for the sake of the pose sacrifices his innate +delicacy; as in case of the abrupt telegram he sent to Cracow, after +his mission with Aniela had failed,--his advice to travel, which I +should have done without it,--and I received another letter from him +at Christiania soon after Aniela's wedding, written in a friendly +spirit, but very abrupt and artificial. I might give its substance as +follows: "Panna Aniela is now Pani Kromitzka,--the thing is done; I am +sorry for you; do not think the bottom is falling out of the universe; +there are other things in the world of more importance, the deuce take +it. Norway must be splendid just now. Come back soon and set to work. +Good-by," and so forth. I do not repeat it word for word, but such was +the gist of the letter. It impressed me unpleasantly, first because +I had not asked Sniatynski to lend me his yard-measure to measure my +sorrow with; secondly, I had thought him a sensible man, and supposed +he understood that his "more important things" are merely empty words +unless they imply feelings and inclinations that existed before. I +wanted to write to him there and then and ask him to release me from +his spiritual tutelage, but thinking better of it did not answer +at all,--I fancy that is the easiest way of breaking off a +correspondence. Entering more minutely into the matter, I find that +neither his telegram nor his letter have caused my dislike. Properly +speaking, I cannot forgive him that for which I ought to feel +grateful,--his mediation between me and Aniela. I myself implored him +to undertake it, but exactly because I implored him, entrusted him +with my fate, confessed to him my weaknesses, and made him in a way my +protector, and because the humiliation and sorrow which overwhelmed me +passed through his hands,--this, perhaps, explains my dislike towards +him. I felt angry with myself, and angry with Sniatynski as having +a part in it. It is unjust, I know, but I cannot help it, and my +friendship for him has burned out like a candle. + +Besides, I have never been quick in forming ties of friendship. With +Sniatynski my relations were closer than with anybody else, perhaps +because we lived each of us in a different part of Europe. I had no +other friends. I belong in general to the class of persons called +singles. I remember there was a time when I considered this a sign +of strength. In the animal world, for instance, the weak ones mostly +cling together, and those whom nature has endowed with powerful claws +and teeth go single, because they suffice unto themselves. This +principle can be applied to human beings only in exceptional cases. +Incapacity for friendship proves mostly dryness of heart, not strength +of character. As to myself, the cause of it was a certain shyness and +sensitiveness. My heart is like that plant which closes its leaves at +the slightest touch. That I never formed ties of friendship with a +woman is a different thing altogether. I had a desire for friendship +in regard to those from whom I expected more. I feigned it sometimes, +as the fox makes believe to be dead in order to secure the rooks. It +does not follow that I disbelieve in friendship between man and woman. +I am not a fool who measures the world according to his own standard, +or a churl who is for ever suspecting evil; besides, various +observations have proved to me that such a friendship is quite +possible. As there exists the relation of brother and sister, the same +feeling may exist between two persons who feel as brother and sister +towards each other. Moreover, the capacity for that kind of friendship +belongs to the choicer spirits who have a natural inclination for +Platonic feasts, such as poets, artists, philosophers, and generally, +people who cannot be measured by the common standard. If this be a +proof that I was not made of the stuff artists, poets, and great men +are made of,--the worse for me. Most likely it is so, since I am +nothing but Leon Ploszowski. There was a time when I felt that if +Aniela had become my wife, she would not only have been my love, but +also my dearest friend. But I prefer not to think of it. Ghosts of +this kind visit me far too often, and I shall never have any peace +until I banish them altogether. + + +4 April. + +I meet Mrs. Davis here pretty often, and call upon her at her house. +And nothing else! There is some dislike, a little contempt under a +thick layer of ashes, and for the rest, the usual social intercourse. +She is still too beautiful to be classified among my idiosyncrasies. +I cannot love her, and do not take the trouble to hate her. She +understood that at once, and adapted herself to circumstances. All the +same she cannot always conceal her irritation at my self-possession +and cool independence; but for that very reason shows me greater +consideration. It is very strange, that easiness with which women from +closest relations pass on to mere acquaintanceship. Laura and I treat +each other as if there had never been anything between us,--not only +before people, but even when we are alone together. It does not +seem to cost her the slightest effort; she is polite, cool, and +self-possessed, affable in her way, and her manners influence me +to such a degree that I should never dream of calling her by her +Christian name. + +The Neapolitan cousin, Maleschi, used to roll his eyes so ferociously +at me that I almost considered it my duty to ask him not to injure his +optics; he has now calmed down, seeing how very distant our relations +to each other are, and is very friendly towards me. He has already +fought a duel about Laura, and in spite of the reputation of coward he +had in Italy, showed a deal of pluck. Poor Davis has passed to Nirvana +some months ago, and I suppose after a decent interval of widowhood, +Laura will marry Maleschi. They will make a splendid couple. The +Italian has the torso and head of an Antinous; in addition to that, a +complexion like pale gold, raven black hair, and eyes as blue as the +Mediterranean. It may be that Laura loves him, but for some reason +known only to herself, she bullies him a great deal. Several times in +my presence she treated him so uncivilly that I was surprised, as I +had thought her aesthetic nature incapable of such an exhibition of +temper. Aspasia and Xantippe in one. + +I have often noticed that women, merely beautiful, without striking +qualities of the soul, who are looked upon as stars, are something +more than stars; they are a whole constellation, two in fact,--a Great +Bear to their surroundings, a Cross to their husbands. Laura was a +Cross to poor Davis, and is now a Bear in regard to Maleschi. She +would treat me a little in that way, too, if it were not that she is +not familiar with the ways of Parisian society, and considers it safer +to have me for an ally than an enemy. It is very strange, but she +does not create here the same sensation as in Italy, or on the +Mediterranean. She is simply too classical, too beautiful for +Parisians, whose taste is to a certain degree morbid, as appears in +their literature and art; and characteristic ugliness more strongly +excites their blunted nerves than simple beauty. It is a noted fact +that the most celebrated stars of the _demi-monde_ are rather ugly +than beautiful. In regard to Laura, there is another reason for +her non-success with the Parisians. Her intelligence, though very +uncommon, is upon too straight lines, wanting in that kind of dash +so appreciated here. There are thinkers, and deep thinkers, too, in +Paris, but in society those mostly win a reputation whose minds are +nimble enough to cling to any subject, as a monkey to a branch by his +tail or feet, turning head over heel. The more these jumps are sudden +and unexpected, the surer the success. Laura understands this, and at +the same time is conscious that to do this would be as easy for her +as to dance on a rope. She considers me an adept in these kinds of +gymnastics, and consequently wants me. + +To increase the attraction of her salon, she has made it into a temple +of music. She herself sings like a siren, and thereby attracts +many people. I meet there often a pianiste, Clara Hilst, a young, +good-looking German girl, very tall of figure, whom one of the +painters here describes thus: "C'est beau, mais c'est deux fois +grandeur naturelle." In spite of her German origin, she has met with +a considerable success. As to myself, I evidently belong to the old +school, for I do not understand the music of the present, which +consists in a great deal of noise and confusion. Listening the last +time to Miss Hilst's playing at Laura's, I thought to myself that if +the piano were a man who had seduced her sister, she could not +belabor him more mercilessly. She also plays on the harmonium. Her +compositions are thought of a great deal here, and considered very +deep; most likely because those who could not understand them, hearing +them for the tenth time, hope the eleventh time will make them more +intelligible. I must confess that these remarks sound malicious, +perhaps bold in one who does not profess to be a judge. Yet it seems +to me that music for the understanding of which one has to be a +professor of the Conservatorium, and for which people intellectually +developed, let alone simple folk, do not possess the key, is not what +it ought to be. I am afraid that musicians following the same track +will end by creating a separate caste, like the Egyptian priests, in +order to keep knowledge and art exclusively to themselves. + +I say this because I notice that since Wagner's time, music, compared, +for instance, to painting, has taken a quite different direction. The +newer school of painting is narrowing spontaneously the limit of its +proportions, tries to divest itself from philosophical and literary +ideas; does not attempt speeches, sermons, historical events that +require a commentary, or allegory that does not explain itself at a +glance; in fact confines itself with the full consciousness of doing +so to the reproduction of shape and color. Music since Wagner's time +goes in the opposite direction,--tries to be, not only a harmony of +sound, but at the same time the philosophy of harmony. I sometimes +think a great musical genius of the future will say, as Hegel did in +his time:-- + +"There was only one who understood me, and he understood me wrongly." + +Miss Hilst belongs to the category of musical philosophers, which is +all the more strange, as her mind is full of simplicity. This caryatid +has the limpid, innocent eyes of a child, and is unsophisticated and +sincere like one. She is surrounded by a great throng of admirers, who +are attracted by her beauty, and more still by the nimbus that makes a +woman touched by the hand of the Muses always a centre of attraction; +nevertheless, not a breath has touched her fair fame. Even the women +speak well of her, for she disarms them by her invariable good humor +and sincerity. She is as gay as any street urchin, and I have seen her +laughing as schoolgirls laugh, the tears running down her face, which +would be considered bad form in anybody but an artist, who is a +privileged person. Hers, from a moral point of view, is a beautiful +character, though beyond her art, she is not endowed with great +intellectual gifts. Laura, who, in the main, does not like her, hinted +to me several times that the caryatid is in love with me. I do not +believe it; she might love me, perhaps, if I tried to make her. One +thing is certain, she likes me very much, and felt sympathy for me the +first time we met. I return the sentiment, and do not try to disturb +her peace of mind. When I meet a woman for the first time I look upon +her, from old habit I suppose, as a possible conquest; it is the first +instinct. A second thought is quite different. Generally speaking, +women interest me in the way precious stones interest a jeweller who +has retired from business. Seeing a valuable gem, I say to myself it +is worth having, and then I remember that I have sold out, and go on +my way. + +In spite of all that, I once, half in jest, urged her to go to Warsaw, +and promised to escort her as honorary _impresario_. I do not say that +such a journey would be without charm. I really intend going. My aunt +has given me her town house, and wants me to come over in order to +take the property. Besides, I always go to Warsaw for the races. Who +would believe that my aunt, a grave, serious-minded lady, devoted to +the management of the estate, to prayer and benevolent schemes, had +such a worldly weakness as horse-racing. It is her one passion. Maybe +the knightly instincts which women inherit as well as men, find an +outlet in this noble sport. Our horses have been running for Heaven +knows how many years,--and are always beaten. My aunt never fails to +attend the races, and is an enthusiast about horses. While her own +horses are running, she stands on the back seat of her carriage, +leaning on a stick, her bonnet usually awry, and watches for the +result,--then gets very angry, and for at least a month makes +Chwastowski's life a burden to him. At present I hear she has reared +a wonderful horse, and she bids me to come and witness the triumph of +the black and orange colors. I shall go. There are other reasons too +which make me inclined to go. As I have said, I am comparatively +speaking calm, do not wish for anything, or expect anything, am +resigned in fact to that kind of spiritual paralysis until the time +comes when bodily paralysis carries me off, as it carried off my +father. Nevertheless, I cannot forget altogether, therefore it is +only a partial paralysis. The one being I ever loved presents herself +before my mind in two shapes. The one is called Pani Kromitzka, the +other Aniela. As far as Pani Kromitzka is concerned, I am indifferent +and a stranger; but Aniela still haunts me and brings with her, +as gifts, the consciousness of wrong, my foolishness, spiritual +crookedness, pain, bitterness, disappointment, and loss. Verily a +munificent spirit! I might be even now perfectly contented if somebody +could take from my brain that particular part wherein memory dwells. I +try to drive away the thoughts of what might have been if things had +turned out differently, but cannot always manage it. My munificent, +generous angel will come now and then, and from her cornucopia shower +her gifts upon me. At times the idea comes into my mind that Pani +Kromitzka will lay the ghost of Aniela,--and that is one reason I wish +to go; to look upon her happiness, her married life, and all those +changes which must have made her different from the old Aniela. +Perhaps I may meet her at Ploszow, as she will want to see her mother, +after so many months of separation. + +I suppose that I do not delude myself, and that "ceci tuera cela." +I count mostly upon my nerves, which are so easily worked upon. I +remember that when I had made Aniela's acquaintance and her charm +began to act upon me with such irresistible force, the very mention of +Kromitzki in connection with her made her less desirable. This will +be more so now, when she belongs to him body and soul. I am almost +certain the remedy will prove efficacious, and that "ceci tuera cela." +And if not, if it should turn out differently, what have I to lose? I +do not wish to gain anything, but should not be sorry perhaps to know +that the guilt was not on my side only, and that henceforth the burden +would have to be divided between us two; this might give me a kind of +satisfaction. I say, it _might_, because I am not sure that it would. +Thoughts of revenge are very far from me. It is only on theatrical +boards that disappointed lovers are thirsting for revenge; in real +life they go away with distaste, that is all. Moreover, to make Pani +Kromitzka believe that she had done wrong in rejecting my repentance I +should have to believe firmly in it myself,--and strange to say, there +are moments I am not sure of anything. + + +5 April. + +I know for certain I shall meet Pani Kromitzka. Her husband has sold +the estate, betaken himself to Baku on business speculation, and has +sent his wife to join her mother at Ploszow; so my aunt tells me in +her letter. I received the news if not indifferently, at least with +perfect composure, but I notice that the impression gradually gained +upon me. At present I cannot think of anything else, as the fact is of +so great importance to the two women. After so short a space as ten +months he sold the estate which over four hundred years had been in +Aniela's family, and to the preservation of which Pani Celina had +devoted her own life. Then comes a Pan Kromitzki and sells it with a +light heart because he wants the money for his speculations. Suppose +he does make millions--will that compensate the women for the loss of +what they prized above money? What will they think of him now? My +aunt writes that she is sitting by Pani Celina's bedside, who after +receiving the news of the sale grew worse at once. I am quite certain +that Aniela, when putting her signature to the deed which empowered +her husband to dispose of the land, did not know what she was signing. +She is even now defending her husband. My aunt quotes from Aniela's +letter: "A great misfortune has happened, but it was not Charles's +fault." Defend him, defend him, O loyal wife; but you cannot prevent +my thinking that he has wounded you deeply, and that at the bottom of +your heart you despise him. Neither kisses nor soft words will efface +from your memory the one word "sold." And Pani Celina thought that +after the marriage he would devote his money towards clearing off the +debts and disincumbering the property! Dear ladies, I, a man who does +not boast of civic virtues, would not have done it, if for no other +reason than innate delicacy of feeling, affection for you, and fear to +wound you. But for speculations, ready money is wanted. I hope it is +not merely prejudice, but these millions I heard so much about appear +to me like a great point of interrogation. Maybe he will get them; +perhaps the capital realized from the sale will help him towards it; +but if he had possessed the wealth he used to boast of, would he have +dealt his wife and mother-in-law such a blow, and sold their ancestral +seat? My aunt writes that he left immediately after the sale for Baku, +and intends to go as far as Turkestan. Aniela being too young to live +by herself must needs come to Ploszow, as her mother cannot leave it +at present, because she is too ill to travel; and besides my aunt will +not let her go, and she is afraid of crossing her in any way. I know +Aniela too well to suspect her of any calculations. She is the very +essence of disinterestedness. But the mother, who would grasp all the +world for her only child, doubtless counts upon the chance of a legacy +for Aniela. And she is not mistaken either. My aunt, who never quite +believed in Kromitzki's millions, gave me to understand several times +that she meant to do something for Aniela; she said it with a certain +hesitation, almost humbly, as she considers everything ought to go to +a Ploszowski, and that to leave anything to another would be a wrong +to the family. How little she knows me! If Aniela were in want of a +pair of shoes and I had to sell Ploszow and give all I possess, she +should have them. I might be prompted by a less noble motive,--for +instance, to appear different from a Kromitzki,--but from whatever +motive, I should give it certainly. But there is no question of that +now. I am thinking continually that she is living at Ploszow, and will +remain there as long as Kromitzki's journeys last, which may be God +only knows for how long. I shall see Pani Kromitzka every day. At the +thought of this I feel a certain uneasiness, with a strong admixture +of curiosity as to our future relations towards each other; and I +clearly see what might happen if my disposition and feelings in regard +to her were different. I never lie to myself; I repeat again that I +am going there in order to cure myself, that I do not love Pani +Kromitzka, and never will love her; that on the contrary, I am in +hope that the sight of her will drive Aniela out of my heart far more +successfully than all the fiords and geysers; but I would not be +myself, the man who has lived much and thought much, if I did not see +the danger which under other circumstances such a position might bring +forth. + +If I wanted to revenge myself, if the very name Pani Kromitzka did not +excite my loathing, what could stand in my way or hinder me,--in +quiet Ploszow, where would be we two only, and the elder ladies, as +unsuspicious and unsophisticated in their stainless virtue as any +babies? In regard to this I know my aunt and Pani Celina. In the +higher spheres of society one meets sometimes women thoroughly +corrupted; but there are many, especially among the older generation, +who pass through life like angels, with no thought of evil ever coming +near them. Neither my aunt nor Pani Celina would ever dream of any +danger threatening Aniela now she is married. Aniela herself belongs +to that kind. She would not have rejected my prayers had she not given +her word to Kromitzki. But Polish women of this kind would rather +break a heart than break their word. At the very thought of it a dull +wrath seizes me. I crush down within me the desire every one has to +prove the truth of his opinion. I do not want to argue at all with +Pani Kromitzka, but if somebody else would do it,--point out to women +like her that the laws of nature, laws of affection, cannot be broken +with impunity, that they are stronger than any ethic laws, I should be +glad of it. It is true I have sinned in regard to Aniela, but I wished +to make amendment from the very depth of my heart, and she rejected +me,--rejected me perhaps so as to be able to say to herself: "I am not +a Leon Ploszowski; I have given a promise, and do not take it back." +This is not virtue, it is want of heart; it is not heroism, but +foolishness; not rectitude of conscience, but vanity. I cannot forget, +I cannot; but Pani Kromitzka will help me. When I come to see her in +her new matronly dignity, satisfied with her heroism, self-possessed, +in love, or apparently so, with her husband, watching me furtively to +see whether I have been punished, and punished sufficiently, full of +happiness and her own virtues, the ghost of my old love will be laid, +and I can go back to where the reindeer lives without Aniela's memory +following me like the sea-gulls in the track of ships. + +It is possible that Pani Kromitzka will put on the airs of an injured +victim, and her whole manner to me may say: "It is your fault!" Very +well. We have seen some of that in the world. As artificial flowers +have one defect, the want of scent, artificial crowns of thorn have +one advantage, they do not prick, and may be worn as a bonnet, very +becoming to a pretty face. Whenever I met one of those victims who +married out of despair I felt a desire to say: "It is not true! you +were a victim maybe in good faith as long as the chosen one did not +approach you in his slippers. From that moment you ceased to be +pathetic, and are only ridiculous, and the more so if you pose as a +victim." + + +6 April. + +How beautiful and wise is the Greek word "ananke." It was fated that +through a woman I should lose my peace of mind, though I had ceased +to care for her. The news that her ancestral seat is sold, and she +herself coming to live at Ploszow, moved me so deeply that I could not +sleep. Various questions knocked at my brain, asking for admittance. +I tried to solve the question whether I had any right to lead Pani +Kromitzka from the path of virtue. I neither wish, nor will I endeavor +to do so, because she has ceased to attract me; but would it be right? +I fill my life with these questions of "to be, or not to be," because +I have nothing else to do. Thoughts like mine are not reckoned among +the delights of life. It is like the dog trying to catch his tail; he +does not catch anything. I do not prove anything, only tire myself; +but have the satisfaction that another day has passed, or another +night gone by. + +I observe at the same time, that with all my scepticism, I am still +beset with scruples worthy of the vicar of Ploszow. The modern man is +composed of so many threads that in trying to set himself right, he +gets more and more entangled. It was in vain I repeated to myself, +if only in theory, that I had the right. A voice, as from the parish +church, seemed to say at intervals: "No! no! you have not the right!" +But scruples like these ought to be kept down, as for me this is a +question of keeping my mind evenly balanced. At this quiet evening +time, I feel just in the humor for it. This afternoon, at a well-known +painter's studio, I heard Mrs. Davis maintain, in discussion with two +literary men, that a woman ought to be unapproachable all her life, +if only "pour la netteté du plumage," and Maleschi repeated, "Oui, +oui,--du plumaze." Oh, ye gods and fishes! I fancied all the crabs +in the Mediterranean rolling on their backs in silent laughter, and +raising their claws to heaven, imploring Jove for a thunderbolt! By +the bye, Mrs. Davis borrowed that sentence from me, and I borrowed +it from Feuillet. I kept my gravity, and did not permit myself the +slightest smile, but it put me into a merry, cynical humor, the +reflection of which still remains with me, and is for the moment the +best weapon against scruples of conscience. + +Now for the start. Would it be right for me to fall in love with Pani +Kromitzka, and in case of success lead her from the path of duty? +First, let us look at it from a point of honor, as people consider it +who call themselves, and whom the world regards as, gentlemen. There +is not a single paragraph there against it. It is one of the queerest +codices ever invented under the sun. If, for instance, I steal +somebody's money, the disgrace falls upon me, and not upon the man who +is robbed, according to the world's rule of honor; but if I rob him of +his wife, it is not I, but the robbed man who is disgraced. What does +it mean? Is it a mere aberration of the moral sense, or is it that +between stealing a man's purse and stealing his wife, there is such +a vast difference that the two cases cannot be even compared? I have +often thought over this, and have come to the conclusion that there +is a great difference. A human being can never be as absolutely a +property as a thing, and the taking away somebody's wife is an act of +a double will. Why should I respect the rights of a husband if his own +wife does not? What is he to me? I meet a woman who wants to be mine, +and I take her. Her husband does not exist for me; her vows are no +affair of mine. What should hold me back? Respect for the matrimonial +institution? But if I loved Pani Kromitzka, I would cry out from the +very depth of my soul: "I protest against this marriage; protest +against her duties towards Kromitzki. I am the worm this marriage has +crushed; and they tell me, writhing in anguish, to respect it,--me, +who would sting it with my last breath." Why; for what reason? What do +I care for a social institution that has wrung from me the last drop +of blood, deprived me of my very existence? Man lives on fish. Go tell +the fish to respect the order that it be skinned alive before being +put on the fire. I protest and sting,--that is my answer. Spencer's +ideal of a finally developed man, in whom the individual impulses will +be in perfect harmony with social laws, is nothing but an assumption. +I know perfectly that such as Sniatynski would demolish my theory with +one question: "You are then for free-love?" No, nothing of the sort. I +am for myself. I do not wish to hear anything about your theories. If +you fall in love with another woman, or your wife with somebody else, +we shall see what becomes of your rules, paragraphs, and respect for +social institutions. At the worst, I might be called inconsequent. I +was inconsequent, too, when I, a sceptic, had a mass offered up for +Leon and Aniela, and prayed like a child, and swallowed my tears like +any fool. In future I will always be inconsequent when it suits me and +makes me happier. There is only one logic in the world,--the logic of +passions. Reason holds the reins for a time, but when the horses tear +along in mad career, she sits on the box and merely watches lest +the vehicle should go to pieces. The human heart cannot be rendered +love-proof, and love is an element strong as tidal waves. The very +gates of hell cannot overcome a woman who loves her husband, for the +marriage vows are only the sealing of love's compact; but if it be +mere duty, the first tide will throw her on the sands like a dead +fish. I cannot bind myself not to let my hair grow, or to remain +always young; and as often as I did so, the laws of nature would take +their course in spite of human bonds. It is strange, but all that I +am writing is pure theory. I have no schemes I need justify before +myself, and yet all these reflections have stirred my soul to such +an extent that I had to leave off writing. My calmness is evidently +artificial. I walked up and down the room for an hour, and at last +found out what disturbed me. + +It is very late. From the windows of my room I see the cupola of the +Invalides gleaming in the moonlight, as once I saw St. Peter's cupola, +when, full of hope, I walked on the Pincio, thinking of Aniela. +Unconsciously I had given myself up to those memories. Whatever there +be or awaits us in the future, one thing is certain: I could have been +happy, and she might be ten, nay, a hundred times happier than she +is. Even now, if I had any hidden schemes, or if she were to me the +greatest temptation, I would respect her unhappiness. I would not hurt +her for anything. The very thought of it would take away my courage +and decision, I had such an amount of tenderness for her. + +But all that is in the past. The sceptic dwelling within me creeps up +again with another question: Would she be really so unhappy? I have +verified, not once, but several times, the fact that women are unhappy +only while they struggle. The battle once over, regardless of the +result, there follows a period of calm and happiness. I knew at one +time a woman in Paris who resisted most persistently for three years. +When at last her heart got the upper hand and she gave in, she only +reproached herself for not having done so sooner. + +But what is the use of putting all these questions or trying to solve +problems? I know that every principle is open to argument, and every +proof to scepticism. The good old times when people doubted everything +except their intelligence to recognize the true from the false, have +gone. At present there is nothing but labyrinths upon labyrinths. +I had better not think of anything but the journey before me. And +Kromitzki sold his wife's ancestral home and thus inflicted on her a +cruel blow! I had to write it down black on white once more, otherwise +I could not believe it. + + +10 April. + +I went towards evening to say good-by to Mrs. Davis, and dropped in +for a regular concert. Laura seems really very fond of music. Miss +Hilst was playing on the harmonium. I always like to see her, but +especially when she sits down to the harmonium, and playing the +prelude, keeps her eyes on the keys. There is so much earnestness and +intentness in her face, combined with calmness. She reminds me of +Saint Cecilia, the most sympathetic of all saints, with whom I should +have fallen in love had she lived in our times. A pity Clara is so +tall; but one forgets it when she is playing. From time to time she +lifts her eyes, as if recalling to memory a note heard somewhere in +the spheres, or seeking inspiration, and she herself looks like +one inspired. She rightly bears the name of Clara, for it would be +difficult to find a more transparent soul. I said I liked to see her; +as to her music, it is still the same; I do not understand it, +or rather I follow her meaning with the greatest difficulty. +Nevertheless, in spite of my satirical remarks, I think she has a +remarkable talent. + +When she had finished I approached her, and still half jestingly said +the time had come and I was ready to escort her to Warsaw according +to our agreement. I was surprised to see her take my proposition so +seriously. She said that she had wanted to go there for some time, and +was quite ready; it was all a question of informing an old relative +who always went with her, and of taking a dumb piano, as she practised +even on her journeys. + +The prospect began to alarm me somewhat. If she goes, I shall have to +help her in getting up a concert; and I would rather go straight on to +Ploszow. As a last resource I could hand her over to Sniatynski, +who would be more useful to her than I. Besides, Miss Hilst is the +daughter of a rich mill-owner at Frankfurt, and it is not a question +of material success with her. The eagerness with which she agreed to +the journey made me thoughtful. I had half a mind to tell her that I +did not object to the dumb piano so much as to the elderly relative. +Men are so prone to lie in wait for women that few approach a young +and pretty one without an after-thought. As to myself, though wholly +absorbed by something else, the idea of the old relative travelling +with us was unpleasant, the more so as my person evidently plays some +part in this so quickly arranged journey. Paris presents a far wider +scope for her musical talent, and she does not care for gain; why +should she be so anxious to go to Warsaw? Laura, as I have said, has +hinted more than once that Miss Hilst has more than a liking for me. A +strange woman, Laura! Clara's innocence excites her envy, but only as +it might be excited by a beautiful jewel, or by rare lace,--with her +it is merely a question of adornment. Maybe for that reason she would +like to push that big child into my arms. She does not care for me any +longer; I am an ornament she has worn already. + +That woman, though unconsciously, has wrought me such irreparable harm +that I ought to hate her, but cannot,--first, because I am conscious +that, had she never crossed my path, I should have probably found some +other means to wreck my happiness; secondly, as Satan is a fallen +angel, so hatred is degenerated love, and I never loved Laura. There +is a little contempt for her, a little dislike, and she returns the +feeling undoubtedly a hundredfold. + +As to Clara's feelings, Laura may be right. To-day I saw it clearer +than ever. If that be the case, I am grateful to her. For the first +time in my life I long for the pure friendship of a woman. A soul so +restless as mine will find solace and comfort in such a friendship. + +We conversed together to-day, Clara and I, like old friends. Her +intelligence is not large, but clear and discerning between bad and +good, ugly and what she considers beautiful; consequently her judgment +is not shifty, but calm and serene. She has that kind of spiritual +healthiness often met with in Germans. Coming across them now and +then I observe that the type I belong to is very rare among them. The +Germans and the English are generally positive and know what they +want. They too are sounding the fathomless depth of doubt, but they +do it methodically as scientists, not as sensitive geniuses without +portfolio like me; in consequence of which their recent transcendental +philosophy, their present scientific pessimism, and their poetic +_Weltschmerz_ have only a theoretical meaning. Their everyday practice +consists in adapting themselves to the rules of life. According to +Hartmann, the more humanity gains in intensity and consciousness. +The more unhappy it grows. The same Hartmann, with the calmness of a +German _Cultur-träger_, becomes practical when he raises his voice +in favor of suppressing the Polish element as detrimental to German +supremacy. But, putting aside this incident, which belongs to the +category of human villanies, Germans do not take theories seriously, +and therefore are always calm and capable of action. This same +calmness Clara possesses. Things which rend and trouble human souls +must have come near her some time or other, but if so they left no +trace and were not absorbed by her; thus she never lost faith in +truth and in her art. If she has any deeper feeling for me than mere +friendship, the feeling is unconscious and does not ask for anything +in return. If it were otherwise, it would be the beginning of her +tragedy, as I could not return her love and might make her unhappy. I +am not so conceited as to think that no woman could resist me, but I +am of the opinion that no woman can resist the man she truly loves. +It is a trite saying that "a fortress besieged is a fortress +surrendered," but there is some truth in it when adapted to woman, +especially when behind the entrenchment of her virtues she harbors +such a traitor as her own heart. But Clara may rest tranquil. We shall +travel peacefully together: she, her old relative, myself, and the +dumb piano. + + +16 April. + +I arrived at Warsaw three days ago, but have not been able to go to +Ploszow as, shortly after my arrival, I got a cold in my teeth and my +face is swollen. I do not wish to show myself to the ladies in that +state. + +I have seen Sniatynski, and my aunt, who has welcomed me as the +prodigal son. Aniela arrived at Ploszow a week ago. Her mother is very +ill, so ill that the doctors who advised her to try Wiesbaden now +declare she could not bear the journey. She will therefore remain +at Ploszow until she recovers--or dies, and Aniela with her, until +Kromitzki winds up his business or thinks it proper to give her a +home. From what my aunt says this may take him some months. I tried to +get from my aunt as much news about Aniela as I could, which is easy +enough, as she speaks about her with perfect freedom. She simply +cannot understand how a married woman could excite any feeling except +in the way of relationship; or rather, she has never even considered +the question. She spoke openly about the sale of Aniela's home, which +she considers a great shame. She got so excited over it as to break +her watch-chain and let the watch roll on the floor. + +"I will tell him so to his face," she said. "I would rather have lent +him the money had I known anything about it. Only what would have been +the use? His speculations are a gulf. I do not know whether any good +will come out of it, but in the meanwhile everything is swallowed up +in it. Let him only come, and I will tell him that he makes Aniela +unhappy, kills her mother, and will end in ruining them and himself." +I asked my aunt whether she had said anything about this to Aniela. + +"To Aniela?" she replied. "I am glad you have come; it relieves my +mind and makes it easier to bear. I cannot speak about it with Aniela. +I tried it once when I could not contain myself any longer. I made +some remark and she grew very angry, then burst out crying and said, +'He was obliged, he was obliged, and could not help it.' She does not +allow anybody to say a word against him, and would like to cover all +his short-comings before the world; but she cannot deceive an old +woman like me, and I know that at the bottom of her heart she must +condemn him as I do." + +"Do you mean she does not love him?" + +My aunt looked at me in unfeigned surprise. + +"Not love him? Of course she loves him. Whom should she love if not +him? That's just where the sting lies; she grieves because she loves +him. But one may love and yet have one's eyes open to what is wrong." + +I had my own opinion on that point, but preferred not to express it, +and allowed my aunt to proceed. + +"What I resent most in him are his lies. He assured Celina and Aniela +that in a year or two he would be able to buy the estate back. Just +tell me, is this possible? and those women believe he is in earnest!" + +"According to my opinion it is quite impossible. Besides, he will go +on speculating." + +"He knows it even better than we do, and yet he goes on lying to the +women." + +"Perhaps he does it to relieve their anxiety." + +My aunt grew angrier still. + +"Relieve their anxiety! fiddlesticks! they would not have had any +anxiety if he had not sold it. Do not defend him, it is of no use. +Everybody blames him. Chwastowski was wild about it. He had looked +into the affairs, and says that without any ready money he could have +cleared the estate himself in a few years. I would have given the +money and so would you, would you not? and now it is too late." + +Presently I inquired about Aniela's health, with a strange, troubled +foreboding I might hear something which, though perfectly natural +and in the order of things, would give a shock to my nerves. My aunt +caught the drift of my thoughts and replied with as much acerbity as +before:-- + +"There is nothing whatever the matter with her. All he could do +he did; that was to sell his wife's estate. No, there is nothing +expected." + +I turned the conversation to something else. I told my aunt I had +arrived together with the celebrated pianist Miss Hilst, who, having +considerable means of her own, wished to give a few concerts gratis. +My aunt is a queer mixture of eccentricities. She began by abusing +Miss Hilst for not coming in winter, when the time for concerts was +more propitious; presently began considering that it was not too late +yet, and wanted to go and call upon her at once. I could scarcely +persuade her to put off her visit until I had told Miss Hilst about +it. My aunt is a patroness of several charitable institutions, and it +is with her a point of honor to get for them as much as she can at the +expense of other institutions, consequently was afraid somebody else +might forestall her with the artist. + +When leaving me she asked, "When are you coming to stay at Ploszow?" + +I replied that I was not going to stay there at all. I had thought of +that during the journey and came to the conclusion that it would be +better to have my headquarters at Warsaw. Ploszow is only six miles +from here, and I can go there in the morning and stay as long as I +like. It is indifferent to me where I live, and my living here will +prevent people talking. Besides, I do not want Pani Kromitzka to think +I am anxious to dwell under the same roof with her. I spoke of this to +Sniatynski, and saw that he fully agreed with me; he seemed anxious to +discuss Aniela with me. Sniatynski is a very intelligent man, but he +does not seem to understand that changed circumstances mean changed +relations, even between the best of friends. He came to me as if I +were the same Leon Ploszowski who, shaking in every limb, asked for +his help at Cracow; he approached me with the same abrupt sincerity, +desiring to plunge his hand up to his elbow under my ribs. I pulled +him up sharply, and he seemed surprised and somewhat angry. Presently +he fell in with my humor, and we talked together as if the last +meeting at Cracow had never taken place. I noticed, nevertheless, +that he watched me furtively, and not being able to make me out tried +indirect inquiry, with all the clumsiness of an author who is a +deep psychologist and reader of the human mind at his desk, and as +unsophisticated as any student in practical life. As Hamlet of yore, I +might have handed him a pipe and said, "Do you think I am easier to be +played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you +can fret me, yet you cannot play upon me." + +I had been reading Hamlet the night before, as I have read it many a +time, and involuntarily these words came into my mind. It seems to +me surpassing strange that a man of my time, in whatever position or +complicated trouble of soul, should find so much analogy to himself +as I find in this drama, based upon Holinshed's sanguinary and gross +legend. Hamlet is the human soul as it was, as it is, and as it will +be. In conceiving this drama, Shakspeare overstepped the limit fixed +even for genius. I can understand Homer and Dante, studied by the +light of their epoch. I can comprehend that they could do what they +did; but how an Englishman of the seventeenth century could foreknow +psychosis, a science of recent growth, will be to me, in spite of my +study of Hamlet, an everlasting mystery. + +Having mentally handed over to Sniatynski Hamlet's pipe, I recommended +to his care Miss Hilst, and then began to discuss his pet theories. +Upon his wanting to know what brought me back, I said it was the +longing for the country, and consciousness of unfulfilled duties +towards it. I said it in a careless, off-hand way, and Sniatynski +looked puzzled, not knowing whether I spoke seriously or mockingly. +And again the same phenomenon of which I spoke in Paris repeated +itself here. The moral ascendency he had gained over me gradually +disappeared. He did not know himself what to think, but he saw the +old key would not serve any longer. When he said good-by I again +recommended to him Miss Hilst. He looked at me keenly. + +"Do you attach much importance to her success?" + +"Yes, very much. She is a person I hold in great esteem, and have much +friendship for." + +In this way I centred all his attention on Miss Hilst. Most likely he +thought I had fallen in love with her. He went away angry, and could +not disguise his feelings. He shut the door sharply; and when I +accompanied him as far as the staircase, and turned back to the +anteroom, I heard him descending the staircase, taking four steps at +once, and whistling,--which he always does when angry. Besides, it was +quite true, what I said about Miss Hilst. I wrote to-day to Clara, +explaining why I had not been to see her, and received a reply at +once. She is delighted with Warsaw, and especially its inhabitants. +All the musical world has called upon her, and they are vying with +each other in politeness and offers of help. Whether they would +be quite as enthusiastic had she come to settle here, is another +question; but Clara has the gift to win friends wherever she goes. She +has already seen something of the town, and was much charmed with the +Sazienki Park and Palace. I am glad she likes it,--the more so as +the country, soon after crossing the frontier, seemed to her rather +depressing. Truly, only those born on the soil can find any charm in +the vast solitary plains, where the eye finds very little to rest +upon. Clara, looking through the carriage window, said more than once: +"Ah! I can understand Chopin now!" She is utterly mistaken,--she does +not understand Chopin and his feelings, any more than she is in touch +with his native land. I, though a cosmopolitan by education, by +atavism understand our nature, and am surprised myself at the spell +a Polish spring casts upon me, and it seems as if I could never +feel tired of it. Properly speaking, what does the view consist of? +Sometimes, on purpose, I put myself into a stranger's place,--a +painter's, having no preconceived ideas about it, and look at it with +his eyes. The landscape then makes upon me the impression as if a +child had drawn it, or a savage, who had no notion about drawing. Flat +fallow-land, wet meadows, huts with their rectangular outline, the +straight poplars around country-seats on the distant horizon, a broad, +flat plain, finished off with a belt of woods,--that "ten miles of +nothing," as the Germans call it; all this reminds me of a first +attempt at drawing landscape. There is scarcely enough for a +background. From the moment I cease looking upon it with a stranger's +eyes, I begin to feel the simplicity of the view, incorporate myself +with that immense breadth, where every outlined object melts into the +far distance, as a soul in Nirvana; it has not only the artistic +charm of primitiveness, but it acts soothingly upon me. I admire the +Apennines; but my spirit is not in touch with them, and sooner or +later they become wearisome. The human being finds a resting-place +only where he is in harmony with his surroundings; and is reminded +that his soul and the soul of nature are of the same organization. +Homesickness springs from the isolation of the soul from its +surroundings. It appears to me that the principle of psychical +relationship could be applied in a still wider sense. It may seem +strange that I, brought up in foreign lands, permeated by their +culture, should harbor such views; but I go farther still, and say +a foreign woman, even the most beautiful, appears to me more as a +species of the female kind than a soul. + +I remember what I wrote at one time concerning Polish women, but one +statement does not contradict the other; I may perceive their faults, +and yet feel myself nearer to them than to strangers. Besides, my old +opinions--at least, the greater part of them--are now in tatters, like +a worn-out garment. + +But enough of this! I notice with a certain shame and surprise +that all I have been writing has been done in order to distract my +thoughts. Yes, that is true. I speak about landscapes, homesickness, +and so forth, while all my thoughts are at Ploszow. I did not want to +acknowledge it, even to myself. I feel restless, and something seems +to weigh me down. It is very probable that my going there and the +getting over the first meeting will be easier and far simpler than I +imagine. Expectancy of anything is always oppressive. When a young +lad, I had a duel; and on the eve of the day I felt troubled. Then, +too, I tried to think of something else, and could not manage it. +My thoughts are not at all tender, not even friendly, towards Pani +Kromitzka; but they swarm around me like angry bees, and I cannot +drive them away. + + +17 April. + +I have been to Ploszow, and found things very different indeed from +what I had pictured to myself. I left Warsaw at seven in the morning +in a cab, counting I should be in Ploszow by eight. The oppressive +feeling still remained with me. I had said to myself that I would not +make any plans about that first meeting, or my future bearing towards +her. Let chance be my guide. But I could not help speculating how +it would be,--how she would greet me, what she would try to make me +understand, and what our future relation to each other would be. Not +having formed any plans of my own, I fancied, I do not know why that +she would want to act according to a well-defined system. Trying to +fathom this, I felt almost inimical towards her. Then again, at the +thought that the meeting might cause her pain, I felt something akin +to pity, and seemed to see her before me as she used to be. I saw +distinctly the low brow with the wealth of auburn hair, the long +eyelashes, and the small, delicate face. I tried to guess how +she would be dressed. Memories came back of words she had said, +expressions of the face, graceful motions, dresses. With strange +pertinacity, the one memory remained with me,--her coming into the +room after she had tried to disguise her emotion by applying powder +to her face. At last these memories became so vivid as to equal a +second-sight. "There she is again," I said to myself; and in order to +pull myself together, I began talking to the driver, and asked him +whether he were married; whereupon he replied that without the old +woman at home, there would be no go, then said something I did not +hear, as I had caught sight of the Ploszow poplars in the distance. I +had not paid any heed to the time we had been on the road. + +At the sight of Ploszow I felt more troubled still, and my eagerness +increased. I tried to pay attention to outward things, changes that +had taken place during my absence, and look at the new buildings on +the road. I repeated to myself mechanically that the weather was very +fine, and the spring exceptionally early this year. And indeed, the +weather was magnificent; the morning air was crisp and transparent; +near the cottages the apple-trees, in full bloom, were scattering +their petals like snowflakes on the grass; it was like a long line of +pictures by the modern school of painters. Wherever the eye turned, +there was that luminous _plein-air_ in the midst of which moved the +figures of people working in the fields or near their cottages. I saw +it all, observed every detail; but, strange to say, I was not able to +take it in, or give myself up to it altogether. The impressions had +lost their absorbing power, and remained only on the surface of the +brain, the brain itself being full of other thoughts. In this state of +divided attention I approached Ploszow. + +Presently the cool air of the lime avenue fanned my face, and I saw +at the other end, far off, the windows of the house. The scattered, +futile thoughts hammered and knocked louder than ever at my brain. I +stopped the driver from going straight to the house, and dismissed +him, I do not know why, at the gate. Followed by his thanks, I went on +foot straight towards the veranda. I cannot explain to myself why I +felt so troubled, unless it was that within these well-known walls +something unknown was awaiting me, which was in close connection with +the tragic past. Crossing the courtyard, I felt such a weight upon my +chest that it obstructed my breath. "What the deuce is the matter with +me?" said I, inwardly. As I had dismissed the cab, nobody had heard me +coming. The hall was empty; I went in to the dining-room to wait until +the ladies came down. + +I knew they would come soon, as the table was laid for breakfast, +and the samovar, whispering and growling, was sending coils of steam +aloft. Again not the slightest detail escaped my notice. I observed +that the room was cool and comparatively dark, as the windows faced +the north. For a moment my attention was fixed on the three luminous +streaks the light from the windows made upon the polished floor. I +looked at the carved sideboard I remembered since a child, and then +recalled the conversation I had in this same room with Sniatynski, and +we looked through the window at his wife and Aniela, in fur boots, +coming from the hot-houses. + +At last a feeling of great solitude and sadness overcame me, and +I went close to the window to get more light and make further +observations in the garden. But all this did not restore my balance of +mind. The only real thought my mind was full of was that I should meet +her in a few minutes. There are people who out of fear are capable of +the most heroic deeds. With me it is different. Fear, uncertainty +of what may come next, rouses me to anger. This happened now. The +difference between the old Aniela and the present Pani Kromitzka +impressed itself upon me more forcibly than ever. "If you borrowed the +very moonbeams for your head-dress, if you were a hundred times +more beautiful than my fancy can paint, you would be as nothing to +me,--less than nothing, because an object of aversion." My anger rose +still, for I fancied that she would come to me in order to point out +my guilt, my wrong-doing; that she would be still desirable, but +unapproachable. "We shall see," I replied inwardly, under the vivid +impression that with this woman there was awaiting me a duel; a +struggle in which I should lose and gain at the same time,--lose the +haunting memories and regain peace. At that moment I felt the power to +overcome any obstacles, repulse any attack. + +Then the door opened quietly, and Aniela came in. + +At the sight of her I felt my brain in a whirl, and my finger-tips +grew icy cold. The being before me bore the name of Pani Kromitzka, +but had the sweet, hundred times beloved features and inexpressible +charm of the Aniela I had known. In the chaotic bewilderment of my +brain there was only one sound I heard distinctly: "Aniela! Aniela! +Aniela!" And she did not see me, or took me for somebody else as I +stood against the light. But when I drew nearer, she raised her eyes +and stood still as if turned into stone. I cannot even describe the +expression of sudden terror, confusion, emotion, and humility which +shone in her face. She had grown white to the lips, and I was afraid +she might faint. When I took her hand it felt as cold as ice. I had +expected anything but that. I thought she would let me know in some +way or other that she was Pani Kromitzka, but there was nothing of the +sort. She stood before me moved, frightened, my former little Aniela. +It was I who had made her unhappy,--I who was guilty, a hundred times +guilty; and at this moment she looked at me as if she herself asked +to be forgiven. The old love, contrition for the past, and pity +overwhelmed me to such a degree that I almost lost my head, and +thought I must take her into my arms, and soothe her with endearing +words, as one soothes a beloved being. I was so agitated by the +unexpected meeting, not with Pani Kromitzka, but Aniela, that I +could only press her hand in silence. And yet I felt obliged to say +something; therefore, pulling myself together, I said, as if in +somebody else's voice,-- + +"Did aunt not tell you I was coming?" + +"Yes; she told me," said Aniela, with an evident effort. + +And then we fell back into silence. I felt that I ought to ask after +her mother, and about herself, but could not force myself to do so. +I wished from my soul somebody would come and deliver us from this +position. Presently my aunt came in with the young Doctor Chwastowski, +the agent's son, who for a month past has had the care of Pani Celina. +Aniela slipped away to pour out the tea, and I began to talk with my +aunt. I had recovered my presence of mind entirely when we sat down to +breakfast. I began now to inquire after Pani Celina's health. My aunt, +telling me about her, appealed every moment to the doctor, who turned +to me with that peculiar shade of superciliousness with which a newly +patented scientist treats outsiders, and at the same time with the +watchfulness of a democrat who is afraid of slights where none are +intended. He appeared to me very conceited; and after all, I treated +him with far greater politeness than he exhibited towards me. This +amused me a little, and helped to keep my thoughts, which the sight +of Aniela confused, under control. From time to time I looked at her +across the table, and repeated to myself: "The same features, the same +little face, the same low brow shaded by a wealth of hair; it is the +same Aniela, almost a little girl, my love, my happiness; and now lost +to me forever." There was inexpressible sweetness in the sensation, +mingled with exquisite pain. Aniela, too, had recovered from her +emotion, but looked still frightened. I tried to draw her into +conversation, speaking about her mother. I was partly successful; she +seemed a little more at ease, and said,-- + +"Mamma will be very glad to see you." + +I permitted myself a doubt as far as her mother was concerned, but +listened to her voice with half-closed eyes; it was sweeter to me than +any music. + +We were conversing more freely every moment. My aunt was in excellent +spirits,--first, because of seeing me once more at Ploszow, and also +because she had seen Clara and got from her the promise of a concert. +When leaving the artist she had met two other ladies, patronesses of +charitable institutions, ascending the staircase bent on the same +errand. They were too late, and that had put her in a high good-humor. +She asked me a great many questions about Clara, who had made an +excellent impression upon her. Towards the end of breakfast, to +satisfy my aunt's curiosity, I had to say something about my travels. +She was amazed to hear I had been as far as Iceland, and asked what it +looked like; she then remarked,-- + +"One must be desperate to go to such places as that." + +"Yes; I did not feel very cheerful when I went." + +Aniela looked at me for a moment, and there was that hunted, +half-frightened expression in her eyes again. If she had put her hand +upon my naked heart she could not have given it a sharper pull. The +more I had prepared myself for an exhibition of triumphant coldness +and satisfaction at my disappointment, the more I felt crushed now by +that angelic compassion. All my calculations and foresight had been +put to naught. I supposed she could not help showing herself off as a +married woman. And now I had to remind myself that she was married; +but in the recollection there was no loathing, nothing but +inexpressible sorrow. + +It is in my nature that in every moral suffering I try to reopen my +wounds. I wanted to do that even now by speaking about her husband; +but I could not do it. It seemed to me cruel, almost a profanation. +Instead of that I said that I should like to see her mother, if she +were able to receive me. Aniela went to see, and presently came back +and said,-- + +"Mamma will be pleased to see you." + +We crossed to the other side of the house, my aunt going with us. I +wanted to say a kind word to Aniela so as to put her more at ease; but +my aunt was in the way; presently I thought it would be even better if +I said it within my aunt's hearing. Near the door, leading into Pani +Celina's rooms, I stopped and, turning to Aniela, said,-- + +"Give me your hand, my dear little sister." + +Aniela put her hand into mine; I saw her eyes lighting up with +gratitude for the words "little sister," and the pressure of her hand +seemed to say:-- + +"Oh! let us be friends! let us forgive each other!" + +"I hope you two will agree together," muttered my aunt. + +"We shall, we shall; he is so good!" replied Aniela. + +And truly, my heart was very full of good-will at that moment. + +Entering Pani Celina's room, I greeted her very cordially, but she +replied with a certain constraint, and I am sure she would have +received me with still greater coldness had she not feared to +offend my aunt. But I was not hurt by this; her resentment is quite +justifiable. Maybe, in her mind, she connects me with the loss of her +estate, and thinks all this would not have happened if I had acted +differently. I found her much changed. For some time she has been +confined to her invalid chair, on which they wheel her on fine days +into the garden. Her face, always delicate, looked as if moulded in +wax. There are still traces that show how beautiful she must have +been, and at the same time so unhappy. + +I asked after her health, and expressed the hope that, with the return +of the fine weather, she would soon recover her strength. She listened +with a sad smile, and shook her head; two tears rolled silently down +her face. + +Then, fixing her sad eyes upon me, she said,-- + +"You know Gluchow has been sold?" + +This evidently is the thought ever present,--her continual sorrow and +gnawing trouble. + +When Aniela heard the question she grew very red. It was a painful +blush, because a blush of shame and sorrow. + +"Yes, I have heard," I said quickly. "Perhaps it can be recovered; if +so, nothing is lost; and if not, you must submit to God's will." + +Aniela cast a grateful glance at me, and Pani Celina said,-- + +"I have lost all hope." + +It was not true; she still clung to the delusion that the estate might +be recovered. Her eyes looked hungrily at me, waiting for the words +which might confirm her secret hopes. I resolved to gratify her wish, +and said,-- + +"It seems to have been a case of necessity, and I do not see how any +one can be blamed for it. Yet there are no obstacles which cannot be +overcome where there is a will and adequate means. Sometimes it has +happened that a sale has been invalidated in law from some omission of +formality." + +By the bye, this was not strictly true; but I saw it was balm to +Pani Celina's sore heart. I had also stood up for Kromitzki, without +mentioning his name, which neither of the others had done in my +presence. + +To say the truth it was not generosity which prompted me, but rather a +desire to conciliate Aniela, and show myself before her in the light +of goodness and nobility. + +And Aniela was grateful; for, when we had left the room, she came out +to me, and, stretching out her hand, said,-- + +"Thank you for being so good to mamma." + +For all answer I raised her hand to my lips. + +My aunt too seemed touched by my goodness. I left her and, lighting a +cigar, went into the park for a quiet stroll to collect my thoughts +and impressions; but I met there the young doctor who was taking +his morning constitutional. As I wished to conciliate every one at +Ploszow, I went up to him, and asked him, with the special regard due +to science and authority, what he thought about Pani Celina's chances +of regaining her health. I saw that this flattered him a little, and +gradually he began to lose some of his democratic stiffness, and +enlarged upon the theme of Pani Celina's illness with the ready +eagerness of a young scientist who has had no time yet to doubt his +powers. In speaking, he used every now and then Latin expressions, as +if addressing a colleague. His strong, healthy frame, a certain power +of speech and eye impressed me favorably. I saw in him a type of that +new generation Sniatynski at one time had spoken of to me. Walking +along the avenues, we had one of the so-called intellectual +conversations, which consist a great deal in quoting names of books +and authors. Chwastowski is thoroughly acquainted with certain +subjects; but I have read more, and this seemed to astonish him not a +little. At moments he looked almost vexed, as if he considered it an +encroachment upon his own territory that I, an aristocrat, should know +so much about certain books and authors. But then again I won his +approbation by the liberality of my opinions. My liberality consists +merely in a kind of tolerance for other people's views, and looking +upon them without party feeling; and that from a man of my position +and wealth was sufficient to win over the young radical. At the end +of our conversation we felt towards each other as men do who have +understood each other, and agreed on many points. + +Most likely I shall be the exception of the rule as regards Doctor +Chwastowski. As in my country every nobleman has his particular Jew in +whom he believes,--though he dislikes the race in general,--so every +democrat has his aristocrat for whom he feels a special weakness. + +When going away I asked Doctor Chwastowski about his brothers. He said +that one of them had a brewery at Ploszow, which I knew already from +my aunt's letter; a second had a bookshop at Warsaw; and a third, +who had been at a mercantile school, had gone as assistant with Pan +Kromitzki to the East. + +"It is the brewer who has the best of it just now," he said; "but +we all work, and in time shall win good positions. It was lucky our +father lost his fortune; otherwise every one of us would sit on his +bit of land 'glebae adscripti,' and in the end lose it as my father +did." + +In spite of the preoccupation of my mind I listened with a certain +interest. "There are, then," I said to myself, "people that are neither +over-civilized nor steeped in ignorance. There are those that can do +something and thus form the intermediate, healthy link between decay +and barbarism." It is possible that this social strata mostly exists +in bigger towns, where it is continually recruited by the influx +of the sons of bankrupt noblemen, who adapt themselves to burgher +traditions of work, and bring to it strong nerves and muscles. I then +recalled what Sniatynski once said when I left him: "From such as you +nothing good can come; your fathers must first lose all they have, +else even your grandsons will not work." And here are Chwastowski's +sons who take to it, and push on in the world by help of their own +strong shoulders. I, too, perhaps, had I no fortune, should have to do +something, and should acquire that energy of decision in which I have +been wanting all my life. + +The doctor left me presently as he had another patient at Ploszow, a +young cleric from the Warsaw seminary, the son of one of the Ploszow +peasants. He is in the last stage of consumption. My aunt has given +him a room in one of the out-buildings, where she and Aniela look +after him. When I heard of this I went to pay him a visit, and +instead of the dying man I expected to see, I found a young, rather +thin-looking lad, but bright and full of life. The doctor says it +is the last flicker of the lamp. The young cleric was nursed by his +mother, who, upon seeing me, overwhelmed me with a shower of gratitude +copious enough to drown myself in. + +Aniela did not visit the sick man that day, but remained with her +mother. I saw her only at dinner, at which also the mother was present +in her invalid's chair. It is only natural that Aniela should devote +her time to her mother, and yet I fancy she does it partly to avoid +being alone with me. In time our mutual relations will establish +themselves upon an easier footing, but I quite understand that at +first it will be a little awkward. Aniela has so much intelligence of +heart, so much goodness and sensibility, that she cannot look upon our +present position with indifference, and has not worldly experience +enough to preserve an appearance of ease. This practice comes with +later years, when the live spring of feelings begins to dry up and the +mind acquires a certain conventionality. + +I had let Aniela see there was no resentment in my heart towards her, +and I shall not allude even to the past, and for that reason did not +try to see her alone. In the evening during tea we discussed general +topics. My aunt questioned me about Clara, who interests her very +much. I told her all I knew about her, and from that we drifted into +conversation about artists generally. My aunt looks upon them as +people sent into the world by kind Providence to give performances for +the benefit of charitable institutions. I maintained that artists, +provided their hearts were pure and not filled with vanity and love of +self, might be the happiest creatures in the world, as they are always +in contact with something infinite and absolutely perfect. From life +comes all evil, from art only happiness. This was, indeed, my point of +view, supported by observation. Aniela agreed with me, and if I took +note of the conversation it is because I was struck by a remark of +Aniela's, simple in itself, but to me full of meaning. When we spoke +about the contentment arising from art she said: "Music is a great +consoler." + +I saw in this involuntary confession that she is unhappy, and is +conscious of it. Besides, in regard to that, I never had any doubts. +Even the face is not the face of a happy woman. If anything, it is +more beautiful than before,--apparently calm, even serene; but there +is none of that light which springs from inward happiness, and there +is a certain preoccupation that was not there formerly. In the course +of the day I noticed that her temples have a slight yellow tint like +that of ivory. I looked at her with an ever renewed delight, comparing +her to the Aniela of the past. I could not get enough of this +exchange of memories with reality. There is something so irresistibly +attractive in Aniela that had I never seen her before, if she were +among thousands of beautiful women and I were told to choose, I should +go straight to her and say: "This one and no other." She answers +so exactly to the feminine prototype every man carries in his +imagination. I fancy she must have noticed that I watched and admired +her. + +I left at dusk. I was so shaken by the sensations of the day, so +utterly different from all my preconceived ideas, that I had lost the +power of dissecting my thoughts. I expected to find Pani Kromitska, +and found Aniela; I put it down once more. God only knows what will +be the consequence of this for us both. When I think of it I have the +sensation of a great happiness, and also a slight disappointment. And +yet I was right, theoretically, in expecting those psychical changes +which necessarily take place in a woman after she is married, and I +might easily be led to think she would show in some way that she was +glad she had not chosen me. There is not another woman who would have +denied herself that satisfaction of vanity. And as I know myself, my +sensitiveness and my nerves, I could take my oath on it, that if such +had been the case I should have been now full of bitterness, anger, +and sarcasm,--but cured. In the mean while, things have fallen +out differently,--altogether differently. She is a being of such +unfathomable goodness and simplicity that the measure I have for +goodness is not large enough for her. + +What will happen next, what will happen to me or to her, I cannot say. +My life might have run on quietly towards that ocean where all life is +absorbed,--now it may run like a cataract down to a precipice. Let it +be so. At the worst I can only be a little more unhappy, that is +all. Until now I have not been lying on a bed of roses, with that +consciousness of my useless life continually before me. + +I do not remember; somebody, was it my father? said that there must +always be something growing within us, that such is the law of +nature. It is true. Even in the desert the forces of life hidden in +the depth bring forth palms in the oasis. + + +21 April. + +I live nominally at Warsaw, but have spent four consecutive days at +Ploszow. Pani Celina is better, but the cleric Latyzs died the day +before yesterday. Doctor Chwastowski says it was a splendid case of +pulmonary consumption, and with difficulty conceals his satisfaction +that he foretold the exact course of the disease up to the last hour. +We had been to see the young man twelve hours before he died. He was +quite merry with us, and full of hope because the fever had left him, +which was only a sign of weakness. Yesterday, when sitting with Aniela +on the veranda, the cleric's mother came up to tell us about his +death, in her own quaint way, in which sorrow blended with quiet +submission to the inevitable. In my pity for her, there was a great +deal of curiosity, for up to now I had not much occasion to see +anything of the inner life of the peasants. What quaint expressions +they use! I tried to remember her words in order to note them down. + +She embraced my knees, then Aniela's, after which she put the outside +of her hands over her eyes, and began to wail: "O little Jesus, +dear--O Maria, holiest of Virgins! He is dead, my poor lamb, dead! He +was eager to see the Lord face to face; more eager than to stop with +his little father and mother! Nothing could hold him back, not even +the ladies' cares! Wine he had in plenty, and good food, and that +could not save him; O little Jesus, dear! O holiest of Virgins! O +Jesus mine!" + +In her voice there was certainly a mother's sorrow! but what struck me +most was the modulation of the voice, as if set to some local music. I +never heard before the peasants lament their dead, but I am quite +sure they all do it in more or less the same way, as if according to +certain rules. + +Tears were trembling on Aniela's eyelashes, and with that peculiar +goodness only women are capable of, she began to inquire into the +details of his death, guessing that it would soothe the poor woman to +speak about it. + +And in fact she began at once most eagerly:-- + +"When the priest had left him I said thus: 'Whether you die or not is +in God's hands! You are nicely prepared now, so lay ye down and go to +sleep.' Says he: 'Very well, little mother,' and fell in a doze, and +I too; as, not reproaching the Lord with it, I had not had a proper +sleep for three nights. At the first crow my old man comes in and +wakes me; thus we were both sitting there, and he still asleep. I says +to the old man: 'Is he gone?' and he says, 'Happen and he is gone.' I +pulled him by the hand; he opened his eyes and said: 'I feel better +now.' Then he remained quite still for about five _paters_ and _aves_, +and smiled toward the ceiling. This made me angry, and I says: 'Oh, +you good-for-nothing, how can you laugh at my misery? But he only +smiled at death, not at my misery, for he began breathing very hard, +and that was all he did until the sun rose." + +She began moaning again, and then invited us to come and see the body, +as he was dressed already, and looked as beautiful as a picture. +Aniela wanted to go at once, but I held her back; besides, the woman +had already forgotten all about it, and began now lamenting her +poverty. Her husband, it seems, had been a well-to-do peasant +proprietor, but they had spent every bit of money upon their son's +education. Acre after acre had been bought by the neighbors, and at +present they had nothing but the hut,--no land whatever. One thousand +two hundred roubles he had cost them. They had hoped to find a shelter +for their old age with him at a parsonage, and now God had taken him. +The old woman declared, with all the stoicism of the peasant, that +they had already made their plans, and would go a begging. She seemed +not afraid of it, and spoke of it with a kind of half-concealed +satisfaction. She was only afraid the community might raise +difficulties about the certificate, which, for some reason unknown +to me, seemed to be necessary for the new profession. Hundreds of +realistic details mingled with the calling upon the Lord Jesus, the +Holy Virgin, and laments over the dead son. Aniela went into the +house, and returned presently with some money for the woman. I +arrested her hand; another idea, I thought good at the time, had +crossed my mind. + +"So you spent a thousand two hundred roubles on your son?" I said to +the woman. + +"That's so, please the gracious Pan. We thought when he got his church +we would go and live with him. The Almighty willed it otherwise; no +church for us now, but the church door" (place where beggars sit). + +"I will give you the thousand two hundred roubles; you can buy some +land if you like, and start fresh again." + +I should have given it at once, but had not enough money by me; I +intended to take it from my aunt, and told the woman to come back for +it in an hour. She stared at me with wide-open eyes, without saying a +word, and then with a cry fell down at my feet. But I got rid of her +and her gratitude very soon, as she was in a hurry to be off to tell +her husband the good news. + +I remained alone with Aniela, who seemed moved deeply, and who +repeated:-- + +"How good you are! how good you are!" + +"There is not much goodness in it," I said in a careless manner. "I +did not do it for these people I have seen for the first time in my +life. I did it because you care for them,--to please you." It was +true; they did not interest me more than any other people would in +the same position, but I would have given ten times as much to please +Aniela. I said it on purpose, as words like these said to a woman +carry a deep meaning. It is almost the same as if I told her, "I would +do anything for you, because you are everything to me." And, moreover, +no woman can defend herself against a tacit confession such as this, +or has any right to be offended. I had disguised the meaning, treating +it as the most natural thing in the world; but Aniela perceived the +drift, and lowering her eyes in evident confusion, said: "I must go +back now to mamma," and left me alone. + +I am quite aware that in acting thus I introduce a disturbing element +into Aniela's soul. I perceive, too, with surprise, that if, on the +one hand, my conscience cries out against this wilful destroying of +the peace of the one being for whom I would give my life, on the other +hand, it causes me a savage delight, as if thereby I satisfied man's +innate instinct of destruction. I have also the conviction that no +consciousness of evil, or sting of conscience, will stop me. I am too +headstrong to let anything stand in my way, especially in presence of +that powerful, inexpressible spell she has cast upon me. I am now as +that Indian who threw away his oar, and gave himself up to fate. I +do not reflect now that it was my fault, that all might have been so +different, and that I had only to stretch out my hand to secure +the happiness I am now yearning for in vain. But it could not be +otherwise. I have come to the conclusion that generations which had +lost all vital power, have made me what I am; that nothing remains but +to cast away the oars and let myself drift with the current. + +This morning we three--my aunt, Aniela, and I--went to the funeral of +the young cleric. + +It was a strange sight, this village procession headed by the priest, +the coffin on a cart, followed by a crowd of peasants, men and women +who were singing a tune sad and weird as if set to some Chaldean +music. At the furthest end, the men and women were talking to each +other in a drawling, half-sleepy way. Going along, among the rowan +trees, the procession came now and then into the glare of the sun, and +then the kerchiefs flashed into flames of blue, and red, and yellow, +which but for the coffin and the incense of juniper berries, made the +procession rather look like a wedding than a funeral. Death does not +seem to make much impression upon the rustic mind; perhaps they regard +it in the light of an everlasting holiday. As we stood by the open +grave, I noticed their faces following the ceremony with concentrated +attention and curiosity; but I saw no trace of thoughtfulness or +reflection at the inexorable end, after which begins the great, +terrible Unknown. + +I looked at Aniela as she stooped for a handful of soil to throw upon +the lowered coffin. She was paler than usual, and with the sun shining +upon her I could read the transparent features as an open book. I was +certain she was thinking of her own death. To me it seemed simply +monstrous, a horrible improbability, that this face so full of +expression, so full of life and charming individuality, should at some +time be stony white and remain in eternal darkness. + +And as if a sudden frost had nipped all my thoughts, I grew suddenly +conscious that the first ceremony I assisted at with Aniela was a +funeral. As a person in long sickness, having lost faith in medicine, +turns to quack doctors and wise women, so the sick soul, doubting +everything, still clings to certain superstitions. + +Probably no one is so near the gulf of mysticism as the absolute +sceptic. Those who have lost faith in religious and sociological +ideals, those whose belief in the power of science and the human +intellect is shaken, that whole mass of highly cultured people, +uncertain of their way, deprived of all dogmas, hopelessly struggling +in the dark, drift more and more towards mysticism. It seems to spring +up everywhere,--the usual reaction of a society whose life is based +upon positivism, the overthrow of ideals, empty pleasures, and +soulless striving after gain. The human spirit begins to burst its +shell, which is too narrow, too much like a stock exchange. One epoch +draws to an end, and then appears a simultaneous evolution in all +directions. It has struck me often with amazement that, for instance, +the more recent great writers seem not to know how very close upon +mysticism they are. Some of them are conscious of it, and confess so +openly. In every book I opened lately, I found, not the human soul, +will, and personal passions, but merely fatal forces with all +the characteristics of terrible beings, independent of personal +manifestations, living alone within themselves, like Goethe's +"Mother." + +As regards myself, I too come near the brink. I see it and am not +afraid. The abyss attracts; personally it attracts me so much that if +I could I would go to the very bottom, and will some time when I am +able. + + +28 April. + +I intoxicate myself with the life at Ploszow, the daily sight of +Aniela, and forget that she belongs to somebody else. Kromitzki, who +is somewhere at Baku, or further still, appears to me as something +unreal, a being deprived of real existence, something bad that might +come down upon us, as for instance, death, but of which one does not +think continually. But yesterday something happened to bring him +before my mind. It was a small and apparently most natural incident. +Aniela received at breakfast two letters. My aunt asked whether they +were from her husband, and she replied, "Yes." Hearing that, I felt +the sensation a condemned man may feel when they rouse him from +a sweet dream in order to tell him to have his hair cut for the +guillotine. I saw my whole misfortune more distinctly than ever +before, and the sensation remained with me the whole day, especially +as my aunt, quite unconsciously, of course, was bent upon torturing me +further. Aniela wanted to put off the reading of the letters, but +my aunt insisted upon her opening them, and presently inquired how +Kromitzki was. + +"Thank you, aunty, he is very well." + +"And how are his affairs going on?" + +"Thank God! he writes that everything prospers beyond expectation." + +"When does he think of coming back?" + +"He says as soon as he can possibly manage." + +And I, with my sensitiveness, had to listen to these questions and +answers. If my aunt and Aniela had started unexpectedly a quite +improbable cynical conversation it could not have shocked me more. +The first time since my arrival at Ploszow I felt something like +resentment towards Aniela. "Have a little mercy at least, and do not +speak of that man in my presence; do not return thanks for being asked +after him, and say 'Thank God!' because he is prosperous," I thought. +In the mean time she had opened the second letter, and looking at the +date, said: "It has been written at an earlier date;" then began +to read. I looked at the bowed head, the parting of the hair, the +drooping lashes--and it seemed to me that the reading lasted very +long. I thought what a world of mutual interests and aims bound these +two together, and that for some indispensable reason they must feel +that they belonged to each other. I felt that I had no part in it, and +that by force of circumstances I should always be outside her life +even if I won her love. Up to now I had felt the depth of my misery +as one sees the depth of a precipice veiled by clouds. Now the mist +lifted, I looked down and comprehended its whole extent. + +My nature is so constituted that under great pressure it resists. Up +to the present my love had not dared to ask for anything, but at this +moment hatred began to clamor loudly for the abolition of merciless +laws, those ties and bondages. Aniela did not read many minutes, but +during that time I ran through a whole gamut of tortures, because +other thoughts relating to my self-analysis and criticism were +haunting me. I said to myself that the agitation, the very bitterness +I felt, were nothing but the ridiculous characteristics of female +ill-humor. How is it possible to live with nerves such as mine? If +such a simple thing as a letter from the husband to his wife makes you +lose your balance, what will happen when he himself comes to claim +her? + +I said to myself: "I will kill him!" and at the same time I felt the +ridiculousness and folly of the answer. + +Aniela having finished her letters noticed at once that something was +amiss, and looked at me with troubled eyes. Hers is one of those sweet +dispositions that cannot bear to see unfriendly faces, or live in an +atmosphere of cold displeasure. This springs from a great tenderness +of heart. I remember how uneasy she used to be when first she +witnessed the disputes between my aunt and Chwastowzki. Now she was +evidently ill at ease. She began to speak about the concert and Clara, +but her eyes seemed to say: "What have I done, what is the matter with +you?" I merely replied by a cold glance, not being able to forgive her +either the letters or her conversation with my aunt. After breakfast I +rose at once and said I was obliged to go back to Warsaw. + +My aunt wanted me to stop to dinner; after which, according to our +agreement, we were to start together for the concert. But I pleaded +some business; the truth was I wanted to be alone. I gave orders for +the carriage to be ready, and then my aunt remarked:-- + +"I should like to show some gratitude to Miss Hilst, and thought of +inviting her to Ploszow for the day." + +Evidently my aunt considers an invitation to Ploszow such a great +reward that she doubted whether it would not be out of all proportion. + +After a moment's pause she began again:-- + +"If I were quite sure that she is of a proper standing." + +"Miss Hilst is a personal friend of the queen of Roumania," I +replied, a little impatiently; "and if there be any honor, it will be +altogether on our side." + +"Well, well," muttered my aunt. + +"You will come with us to the concert?" I said, turning to Aniela. + +"I am afraid not. I shall have to remain with mamma; and besides, I +have some letters to write." + +"Oh! if it is a question of wifely tenderness I will not insist." + +This ironical remark gave me a momentary relief. "Let her be aware +that I am jealous," I thought; "she herself, her mother, and my aunt +belong to those women of the angelic kind, who do not believe there +can be any evil in the world. Let her understand that I love her, +become familiar with the thought, troubled by it, and fight it. To +bring into her soul a strange, decomposing element, a ferment like +this, is half the battle. We shall see what will happen afterwards." + +It was a momentary but great relief, and very much like a wicked +delight. But presently, when alone in the carriage, I felt angry with +myself and disgusted,--disgusted because I became conscious of the +littleness of all I had thought and felt, based as it was upon +overstrung and fanciful nerves worthy an hysterical woman, not a man. +It was a heavy journey, far heavier than the one when after my return +from abroad I went the first time to Ploszow. I was reflecting upon +that terrible incapacity for life which casts its shadow upon my +existence and the existence of those like me, and came to the +conclusion that its main source is the feminine element which +predominates in our character. I do not mean by this that we are +physically effeminate or wanting in manly courage. No! it is something +quite different. Courage and daring we are not deficient in; but as +regards psychical elements, every one of us is a she, not a he. There +is in, us a lack of the synthetic faculty which distinguishes +things that are important from those that are not. The least matter +discourages, hurts, and repulses us; in consequence of which we +sacrifice very great things for small ones. My past is a proof +thereof. I sacrificed inexpressible happiness, my future and the +future of the beloved woman, because I had read in my aunt's letter +that Kromitzki wished to marry her. My nerves took the bit between +their teeth, and carried me where I did not wish to go. This was +nothing but a disease of the will. But it is a feminine disease, not +a masculine one. Is it to be wondered at that I act as an hysterical +woman? It is a misfortune I brought with me into the world, to which +whole generations have contributed their share, as also the conditions +of life in which we exist. + +The shaking myself thus free from all responsibility did not give me +any relief. When I arrived at Warsaw I intended to call upon Clara, +but was prevented by a severe headache; which got better towards +evening before my aunt came up. + +She found me already dressed, and we drove together to the concert, +which was a great success. Clara's fame had attracted the whole +musical and intelligent world, and the charitable purpose the +aristocratic circles. I saw many people there I knew, among them +Sniatynski and his wife. The concert room was crowded. But I was out +of humor, and everything irritated me. I do not know why, but I felt +afraid Clara's performance would be a failure. When she appeared on +the platform a programme clung to the folds of her dress; I thought it +would make her appear ridiculous. She herself in full evening dress +seemed to me more like a stranger than a friend. I involuntarily asked +myself whether it was the same Clara I was so intimate with. When +the hearty applause had ceased she sat down to the piano, and I +acknowledged to myself that she had a noble and artistic presence, +full of simplicity and quite free of any affectation. On all +faces there was the concentrated attention of people who have no +understanding of art, but like to pass for connoisseurs and judges. +She played Mendelssohn's concerto, which I know by heart,--but whether +it was the thought that much was expected from her, or that the +unusually enthusiastic reception had moved her, she played worse +than I had ever heard her. I was sorry for it and looked at her with +astonishment; our eyes met for a moment. The expression of my face put +the final touch to her confusion, and I heard a few dim notes without +force or expression. I was quite sure now she would fail. Never had +the piano, with its lack of continuity, its sound smothered by the +acoustic properties of the room, seemed to me a more miserable +instrument. At times it seemed as if I heard the sharp, staccato +sounds of a harp. Presently Clara recovered her self-possession, but +upon the whole I thought she had played but indifferently. I was very +much surprised indeed when after she had finished there rose such a +storm of applause as I had not heard even in Paris, where Clara was +received with exceptional enthusiasm. During the short pause, amateurs +and professionals began discussing the music, and in their animated +faces I read perfect satisfaction. The cheering lasted until Clara +reappeared on the platform. She stepped forth with downcast eyes, and +I who could read her face saw what she wanted to express: "You are +very kind, and I thank you for it; but it was not good and I feel +inclined to cry." I too had applauded with the rest, for which I +received a passing glance full of reproach. Clara loves her art too +much to be gratified by undeserved applause. I felt sorry for her, and +should have liked to say a few encouraging words, but the continued +cheering did not permit her to leave the platform. She sat down again +and played Beethoven's Sonata in cis-moll, which was not on the +programme. There is, I believe, no composition in the whole world that +shows with the same distinctness the soul torn by tragic conflict; +especially in the third part of the Sonata, the _Presto-agitato_. The +music evidently responded to the tune of Clara's soul, and certainly +harmonized with my own disposition, for never had I heard Beethoven +interpreted and understood like this before. I am not a musician, but +I suppose even musicians do not know how much there is in that Sonata. +I cannot find another word than "oppressiveness" to describe the +sensation wrought upon the audience. One had a feeling as if mystical +rites were being performed; there rose before me a vast desert, not of +this world, weird and unutterably sad, without shape, half lit up by a +ghostly moon, in the midst of which hopeless despair waited and +sobbed and tore its hair. It was terrible and impressive because so +unearthly; and yet irresistibly attractive,--never had my spirit +come in such close proximity to the infinite. It was almost an +hallucination. I imagined that in the shapeless desert, in the dusk of +a world of shadows, I was searching for somebody dearer to me than the +whole world, one without whom I could not and would not live, and I +searched with the conviction that I should have to search forever and +never find what I was looking for. My heart was so oppressed that at +times I could scarcely breathe. I paid no attention to the mechanical +part of the execution, which no doubt was as perfect as the +expression. + +All in the room seemed under the same spell, not excepting Clara +herself. + +When she left off playing she remained for a moment with uplifted head +and eyes, lips slightly parted, and face very pale. And it was not +a mere concert effect, it was real inspiration and forgetfulness of +self. + +There was a great hush in that crowd, as if they expected something, +or were benumbed by sorrow, or tried to catch the last echo of sobbing +despair, carried away by a wind from the other world. + +Presently there happened what probably never happened in a concert +room before. A great tumult arose, and such an outcry as if a +catastrophe were threatening the whole audience. Several musicians +and reporters approached the platform. I saw their heads bowed over +Clara's hands, she had tears on her eyelashes, her face looked still +inspired, but calm and serene. I went with the others to press her +hands. + +From the first moment of our acquaintance Clara had always addressed +me in French; now for the first time, returning the pressure of my +hand, she said in German: + +"Haben Sie mich verstanden?" + +"Ja," I replied, "und ich war sehr unglücklich!" And it was true. + +The continuation of the concert was one great triumph. After the +performance Sniatynski and his wife carried Clara off to their house. +I had no wish to go there. When I reached home, I felt so tired that +without undressing I threw myself upon the sofa, and remained there an +hour without moving, yet not asleep. + +After a long time I became conscious that I had been thinking about +the young cleric's funeral, Aniela, and death. I rung for lights, and +then began to write. + + +29 April. + +Kromitzki's letters have stirred me to such a degree that I cannot +get over the impression. My unreasonable resentment towards Aniela is +passing, and the more I feel how undeserved was my harshness, the more +contrite I become, and the more tenderly I think of her. Yet more +clearly than ever I see how these two are bound by the power of a +simple fact. Since yesterday I have been in the clutches of these +thoughts, and that is the reason I did not go to Ploszow. There I +am obliged to keep watch upon myself and to put on an appearance +of calmness, and at present I could not do it. Everything within +me--thoughts, feelings, nerves--has risen up in revolt against what +has been done. I do not know whether there can be a more desperate +state of mind than when we do not agree with something, protest with +every fibre of heart and brain, and at the same time feel powerless +in presence of an accomplished fact. I understand that this is only a +foretaste of what is awaiting me in the future. There is nothing to be +done,--nothing. She is married, is Pani Kromitzka; she belongs to him, +will always belong to him; and I who cannot consent, for to do so +would mean losing my own self, am obliged to consent. I might as well +protest against the earth turning round as against that other law +which bids a woman stand by her husband. Does this mean that I ought +to respect that law? How can I submit when my whole being cries out +against it? At moments I feel inclined to go away, but I understand +perfectly that beyond this woman the world has for me as much meaning +as death,--that is, nothingness; moreover, I know beforehand that I +shall not go, because I could not muster strength enough to do so. +Sometimes I have thought that human misery goes far beyond human +imagination,--imagination has its limits, and misery, like the vast +seas, appears to be without end. It seems to me that I am floating on +those seas. But no,--there is still something for me to do. + +I read once, in Amiel's memoirs, that the deed is only the +crystallized matter of thought. But thoughts may remain in the +abstract,--not so feelings. Theoretically I was conscious of it +before; it is only now I have come to prove it actually on myself. +From the time of my arrival at Ploszow until now, I have never clearly +and distinctly said to myself that I wanted to win Aniela's love, but +it was merely a question of words. In reality I know that I wanted +her, and want her still. Every look of mine, every word, and all my +actions are tending that way. Affection which does not include desire +and action is a mere shadow. Let it be understood,--I want her. I want +to be for Aniela the most beloved being, as she is to me. I want to +win her love, all her thoughts, her soul; and I do not intend to put +any limit to my desires. I shall do everything my heart dictates, and +use all means my intelligence sees most efficient to win her. I shall +take from Kromitzki as much of Aniela as I can; I shall take her from +him altogether if she be willing. In this way I shall have an aim in +life; shall know why I wake up in the morning, take nourishment during +the day, and recuperate myself in sleep. I shall not be happy; for I +could be happy only if she were exclusively my own, and I could crush +the man who had her before me. But I shall have something at least to +live for. It will be my salvation. And this is not a resolution taken +upon the spur of the moment; it is only a translation into words of +all the forces that work within me,--the will and the desires which +belong to the feeling and make an indivisible part of it. + +I throw all my scruples to the winds. Even the fear that Aniela might +be unhappy loving me must give way before the great truth, great +as the universe, that the presence of Love fills the life; gives +sustenance to it, and is a hundred thousand times worth more than +emptiness and nothingness of existence. + +Thousands of years ago it was known to the world that virtue and +righteousness alone give power to life; that emptiness and nothingness +dwell in the realm of evil. The moment when that dear head rests on my +breast, when the beloved lips meet mine, truth and goodness will be +with us. In the midst of doubts which crowd my brain, that one truth +shines clearly,--of this I can say I believe in it. At last I have +found something certain in life. I know perfectly what a gulf there is +between my belief and the small conventional moralities created for +every-day use. I know that to Aniela it will be a strange, fearsome +world; but I will take her by the hand and lead her there, because +I can tell her with sincere conviction that there are truth and +goodness. + +I find great solace in these thoughts. The greater part of the day +passed miserably enough, because of the consciousness of my impotency +to overcome the obstacles that stand in our, mine and Aniela's, way. +The thought crossed my mind: "Suppose, after all, she loves her +husband?" + +Fortunately for me, a visit from Doctor Chwastowski interrupted my +train of thoughts. He had come from Ploszow to consult with one of the +physicians who at some time had attended Pani Celina. Before going +back he had come to see me. He said Pani Celina was still neither +better nor worse, but Pani Kromitzka was confined to her room with a +severe headache. Then he began to speak about Aniela, and I listened +with pleasure, as it seemed in some way to make up for the loss of +seeing her. He spoke intelligently enough, for a young man of so +little experience. He said he had made it a rule to look mistrustingly +upon mankind in general, not because he thought it the right point +of view, but because it was the safest. As to Pani Kromitzka, he was +quite sure hers was a nature of exceptional goodness and nobility. +He spoke of her with a scarcely disguised enthusiasm, and I had some +suspicion he felt more than admiration for her. But this did not +trouble me in the least; there is too great a distance between her and +this young medical student. On the contrary, I felt pleased that +he appreciated her, and asked him to stop as long as he could; his +presence did me good, as it kept me from thinking. + +In the course of our conversation I asked about his plans for the +future. He replied that first he must save some money in order to go +abroad and see something of foreign hospitals; afterwards he intended +to settle at Warsaw. + +"What do you understand by settling at Warsaw?" + +"Work at some of the hospitals, and a possible practice." + +"And then you will get married, I suppose?" + +"I suppose so; but there is plenty of time for that." + +"Unless you meet somebody that subjugates your will; as a doctor you +know that love is a physiological necessity." + +Young Chwastowski wants to show himself off as a sober-minded man +above human weaknesses; so he only shrugged his broad shoulders, +smoothed his short-cropped head, and said: "I acknowledge the +necessity; but do not intend to allow it to occupy too large a space +in my life." + +He looked very knowing, but I replied gravely: "Considering somewhat +deeper the question of feeling, who knows whether it be worth while to +live for anything else?" + +Chwastowski pondered over this a little while. + +"No," he said, "I do not agree with you. There are many other objects +in life,--for instance, science, or even social duties. I do not say +anything against matrimony; a man ought to marry for himself as +well as to have children. But matrimony is one thing, and continual +love-making another." + +"What is the difference between them?" + +"The difference is obvious, sir. We are like ants constructing an +ant-hill. We have our work to do, and not much time to spare for love +and women. That is all very well for those who cannot work, or who do +not want to do anything." + +Saying this he looked like a man who speaks in the name of all that is +strongest in the country, and expresses himself well. I looked with +a certain satisfaction at this healthy specimen of mankind, and +acknowledged that, except for a certain touch of youthful arrogance, +he spoke very sensibly. + +It is quite true that woman and love do not occupy a large space in +the life of those who work, and those who have before them great +undertakings and serious aims. The peasant marries because such is the +custom, and he wants a housekeeper. There is very little sentiment in +him, although poets and novelists want us to believe the contrary. The +man of science, the statesman, the leader, the politician devote only +a small part of their life to woman. Artists are exceptional. Their +profession brings them in touch with love, for art exists through love +and woman. Generally, it is only in rich communities that woman reigns +supreme and fills the life of those who have no serious work in hand. +She encompasses all their thoughts, becomes the leading motive of +their actions, and the exclusive aim of their exertions. And it cannot +be otherwise. There is myself for instance. The community to which +I belong is not as rich as others, but personally I am rich. These +riches prevented me from doing anything, and I have no fixed aim in +life. It might be different had I been born an Englishman or a German, +and not been handicapped by that _improductivité Slave_. No one of the +compound active principles of civilization attracts me or fills up the +void, for the simple reason that civilization is faint and permeated +with scepticism. If it feels its end is drawing near and doubts +itself, why should I believe in it and devote to it my life? Generally +speaking, I live as if in mid air, with no firm hold upon the earth. +If my disposition were cold and dry, if I were dull of mind or merely +sensuous, I could have limited my life to mere vegetation or animal +enjoyment. But it happened otherwise. I brought with me into the world +a bright intellect, a luxuriant organism, and vital powers of no mean +degree. These forces had to find an outlet, and they could find it +only in the love for a woman. There remained nothing else for me. My +whole misfortune is that, as a child of a diseased civilization, I +grew up crooked; therefore love, too, came to me crooked. + +Simplicity of mind would have given me happiness, but what is the use +to speak of it? The hunchback, too, would be glad to get rid of his +hump, but he cannot, because hump-backed he came from his mother's +womb. My hump was caused by the abnormal state of civilization that +brought me into the world. But straight or crooked, I must love, and I +will. + + +4 May. + +My reason is now altogether subservient to feeling, and is, in truth, +like the driver who passively clings to his box, and can do nothing +but watch whether the vehicle will go to pieces. I went back to +Ploszow a few days ago, and all I say and all I do are only the +tactics of love. He is a clever doctor--is Chwastowski--to prescribe +for Aniela exercise in the park. I found her there this morning. There +are moments when the feeling in my heart--though I am always conscious +of it--manifests itself with such extraordinary power that it almost +frightens me by its magnitude. Such a moment I had to-day, when at a +sudden turn of the road I met Aniela. Never had she appeared to me +more beautiful, more desirable, and more as if she were my own. This +is exactly the only woman in the world who by virtue of certain +natural forces, scarcely known by name, was to attract me, as the +magnet attracts iron, to reign over me, to attach me to her, and +become the aim and completion of my life. Her voice, her shape, her +glances intoxicate me. To-day, when I thus unexpectedly met her, I +thought it was not only her personal charm she carried with her, but +the charm of that early morning, that spring and serene weather, the +joy of all the birds and plants,--in fact, she seemed to be more an +incarnation of beauty and nature than a woman. And it struck me then +that, if nature had created her thus that she should react upon me +more than upon any other man, nature had meant her to be mine, and +that my right had been trodden under foot by this marriage. Who knows +whether all the crookedness of the world does not spring from the +non-fulfilment of certain laws, and whether that be not the cause of +the imperfectness of life? + +They are wrong who say that love is blind. On the contrary, +nothing--not the smallest detail--escapes its eyes; it sees everything +in the beloved being, notices everything; but melts it all in one +flame in the great and simple "I love." When I came close to Aniela, I +noticed that her eyes were brilliant as if from recent slumber; that +on her face and the light print dress fell the golden rays of the +morning sun filtering through the young leaves; her hair was tied in +a loose knot, and the flowing morning dress showed the outline of her +shoulders and supple waist, and in its very carelessness had a certain +freshness, which enhanced a thousandfold her charm. It did not escape +my notice how much smaller than usual she looked among the tall elm +trees of the avenue,--almost a child; in brief, nothing escaped me, +but all my observations changed into the rapture of one who loves +deliriously. She returned my morning greeting with some confusion. For +the last few days she seems afraid of me, for I hypnotize her with +every glance and word. Her peace of thought is already disturbed, and +the ferment has entered her soul. She cannot help seeing I love her, +but does not own it, not even to herself. Sometimes I have a +sensation as if I were holding a bird in my hand, and heard its heart +palpitating under my fingers. We walked together in embarrassed +silence, which I did not care to interrupt. I know this uneasiness is +oppressive to her; but it renders her my accomplice, and brings me +nearer to the end. In the silence which surrounded us not a sound +was audible but the crunching of the gravel under our feet, and the +whistling of the golden orioles, which are plentiful in the park. I +started at last a conversation. I directed it to suit my plans, for +however much my mind is closed against influences that have no bearing +upon my feeling, within their sphere I have a well-nigh redoubled +presence of mind,--an acuteness of perception, as have those plunged +into a hypnotic trance, and in a given direction see more clearly +than people in their normal state. We passed speedily on to personal +topics. I spoke about myself in the confidential tone in which one +speaks to those nearest, who alone have the right to know everything. +There sprung up between us a whole world of mutual understanding and +thoughts, common to us both. Since such a bond ought to exist by +virtue of marriage,--between her and her husband,--I was leading +her towards spiritual faithlessness by such gradual steps that she +scarcely could be aware of it. + +Nevertheless, the subtle nature perceived the drift. But I had taken +her by the hand, and led her; yet while leading, I felt a moral +resistance. I was fully aware the resistance would grow stronger if I +pushed much farther, and she perceived the danger. But I saw too that +I was gaining ground, and that step by step I could lead her where I +wanted. + +In the meantime I spoke on purpose about the past. + +"Do you remember," I said, "how in the days gone by--those happier +days--you asked me why I did not remain in the country, and turn my +abilities to some use. It was when I came home late, and you were +sitting up for me. I cannot tell you even what power you had over +me. I could not then begin to work, I had to go away; then came my +father's death. But I never forgot those words. I have come back now +to live and to work at home, and if I ever achieve anything it will be +owing to you,--your influence will be the source of my achievement." + +There ensued a momentary silence between us, broken only by the +whistling of the orioles. Aniela was evidently searching for a reply, +and at last said,-- + +"I cannot believe that a man like you should not be able to find a +more weighty inducement. You know very well it is your duty, and what +is past is past, and now everything is changed." + +"I am not so sure of that," I replied. "Perhaps, when once I start, I +shall find in the work itself some pleasure and encouragement. But +a man like me, who, in spite of what you are saying about duty, has +never been, fully conscious of it, must have some personal reason for +changing the whole tenor of his life; and the more he is unhappy, the +more he wants that personal inducement. Why should I tell you what is +not true? I am not happy. The consciousness of duty is a beautiful +thing, no doubt; but unfortunately I do not have it. You, who are so +much better, nobler than I, could have taught it me; but it was fated +otherwise. But even now, if only for the sake of those times when you +wanted me to do something, I can do it still if you will help me." + +Aniela hastened her steps, as if she wanted to return home, and said +almost in a whisper,-- + +"Do not say that, Leon; please do not. You know I cannot do it." + +"Why can you not? Do not understand me wrongly. You are and always +will be a very dear sister to me. It is only this I wanted you to +know." + +Aniela almost feverishly gave me her hand, which I raised reverently +to my lips. + +"Yes, I will be that,--always that," she replied quickly. + +And I saw what a heavy weight I had lifted from her mind; how that one +word "sister" had calmed and moved her. This made me recover all my +self-possession; for, when I had touched her hand with my lips, it +almost grew dark before my eyes, and I wanted to take her in my arms, +and tell her the whole truth. In the mean time Aniela's face had grown +brighter and more cheerful. As we came nearer the house, her trouble +seemed to slip off from her, and seeing how much I had gained by +taking this way with her, I continued in the same strain of friendly +conversation. + +"You see, little sister, there is such a void around me. My father is +no more; my aunt is a saintly woman; but she does not understand new +times and new people. Her ideas are different from mine. I shall +never marry,--think only what a lonely man I am. I have nobody near +me,--nobody to share my thoughts, my plans, or my sorrows; nothing but +loneliness around me. Is it not natural that I look for sympathy where +I might expect to find it? I am like the crippled beggar, who stands +waiting at the gate until they give him a small coin. At this moment +the beggar is very poor indeed, and he stands under your window, and +begs for a little friendliness, sympathy, and pity. A very small coin +will satisfy him,--you will not refuse him that, Aniela, will you?" + +"I will not, Leon; I will not, since you are so unhappy--" + +Her voice broke, and she began to tremble. Again I had to make a great +effort to restrain myself; and as I looked at her, something like +unshed tears took me by the throat. + +"Aniela! little Aniela!" I exclaimed, not knowing what to say. + +But she waved her hands, as if to ward me off, and said, her eyes full +of tears,-- + +"Let me go--I shall be better presently. I can not go back like this; +let me go." + +And she went swiftly away. + +"Aniela, forgive me!" I called after her. + +My first impulse was to follow her, but I thought it would be better +to leave her to herself, and I only followed her with my eyes. She +went quickly back into the avenue we had crossed together, and then +turned into a side path. Sometimes the foliage hid her from my eyes, +then again the light dress lit up by the sun appeared between the +trees. From the distance I saw how she shut and opened her sunshade, +as if trying by physical exertion to overcome her emotion. During all +that time I inwardly called her the most endearing names that love +could invent. I could not go away without looking once more into her +eyes; but I had a long time to wait. She came at last, but passed +quickly by, as if afraid of another shock; she only smiled at me in +passing, with angelic sweetness, and said, "I am all right again." + +On her face, pink with exercise, there was no trace of tears. I +remained alone, and a mad, indescribable joy got hold of me, hope +filled my heart, and there was one thought dominating everything: "She +loves me, she fights against it, does not yield, deludes herself--but +loves." At times, the most self-possessed of men, in the +super-abundance of some emotion, comes near the brink of madness. I +was so near it then that I felt a wild desire to hide myself in the +deepest recess of the woods, tear the grass, and shout at the top of +my voice, "She loves me!" At present, when I am able to think more +calmly of this joy, I find it was composed of various active forces. +There was the joy of the artist who sees that a masterpiece he has +begun is progressing satisfactorily; maybe also the satisfaction +of the spider when the fly comes near the web; but there was also +kindness, pity, great tenderness, and all that over which angels +rejoice, as the poet has it. I felt sorry the defenceless little thing +should fall into my hands; and that pity increased the love, and the +desire to conquer Aniela. I felt also a sting of conscience that I had +deceived her, and yet I had the consciousness that I had spoken the +truth when I asked for her sympathy and friendship. I want it as I +want my health. But I did not confess to all my desires, because the +time for it has not yet come. I did not tell her the whole truth, so +as not to frighten the timid soul. I shall come to it by and by, and +the road which leads towards it in the straightest line is the best. + + +10 May. + +The weather is still serene, and everything is serene between us. +Aniela is calm and happy. She thoroughly believes in what I said, +and, as I did not ask for anything but sisterly affection, and her +conscience approves, she allows her heart to follow its dictates. +I alone know that it is a loyal way of deceiving herself and her +husband; for under cover of sisterly affection there is another +feeling, the growth of which I am watching daily. Of course I do not +intend to undeceive her until the feeling grows too strong for her. +By and by she will be enveloped in a flame which neither will, nor +consciousness of duty, nor the modesty of the woman white as a swan, +will be able to keep under control. Constantly the thought dwells with +me that since I love her most, mine is the higher right. What can +there be more logical or more true? The unwritten code of ethics of +all people, of whatever faith, says that the mutual belonging of man +and woman to each other is based upon love. + +But to-day I am so restful and happy that I prefer to feel rather +than to reason. There is now between us a great cordiality, ease, and +intimacy. How we were made for each other, cling to each other, and +how the dear little thing delights in the warmth, delusive warmth +of brotherly affection. Never since my return have I seen her +so cheerful. Formerly when I looked at her she reminded me of +Shakspeare's "Poor Tom." A nature like hers wants love, as her body +wants air to breathe. Kromitzki, occupied with speculations, does not +love her enough, perhaps does not know what love means. She might +rightly say with Shakspeare, "Poor Tom's acold." When I think of this +my heart is stirred, and I make a silent vow that she shall never feel +cold as long as I live. + +If our love were wrong there could not be within us such peace. That +Aniela does not call it by its proper name means nothing; it is there +all the same. The whole day passed for us like an idyl. Formerly I +disliked Sundays; now I find that a Sunday, from morning until night, +may be like a poem, especially in the country. Soon after breakfast, +we went to church in time for the early mass. My aunt followed in our +rear; even Pani Celina, profiting by the fine weather, was wheeled +thither in her Bath chair. There were not many people in church, as +most of them go later for high mass. Sitting on the bench by Aniela's +side, I had the blissful illusion that I was sitting with my affianced +wife. From time to time I looked at the sweet, dear profile, at the +hands which were resting on the desk before her, and the concentration +in her face and bearing gradually infected me. My senses went to +sleep, my thoughts became purer, and I loved her at that moment with +an ideal love, because I felt more than ever how different she was +from any other woman, how infinitely better and purer. + +For a long time I had not felt anything like what I felt in this quiet +village church. Added to Aniela's presence there was the impressive +dignity of the church itself, the soft, flickering light of the +candles in the dim recess of the altar, shafts of colored light coming +through the windows, the chirping sparrows, and the still mass. +All this, with the dreaminess of an early morning, had something +unutterably soothing. My thoughts began to flow as evenly as the +incense at the altar. Nobler feelings stirred within me, and a desire +to sacrifice my own self. An inward voice began to remonstrate:-- + +"Do not disturb that transparent water; respect its purity." + +When the mass came to an end, and we left the church, I saw, to my +greatest amazement, both the Latyszes crouching near the church gate, +with wooden plates in their hands, asking for alms. My aunt, who knew +about my gift, grew very angry upon seeing them there, and began to +abuse them roundly. But the old woman, still holding out her wooden +plate, and not at all abashed, said quietly:-- + +"His lordship's generosity is one thing, and God's will is another. We +must not go against the Lord's will. When the little Lord Jesus told +us to sit here, we must, now and forever and ever, Amen." + +There was nothing to say against this kind of reasoning; especially +that "forever and ever, Amen," imposed upon me, to such an extent that +I gave them some money for the oddity of the thing. These people at +the bottom of their hearts believe in fate, which they dress up in +Christian forms, and submit to it blindly. These Latyszes, to whom I +gave a thousand two hundred roubles, are now better off than they ever +were in their lives, and yet they went to sit at the church gates +because such was their fate,--which the old woman translated into the +"will of God." + +When we were wending our way homewards, the bells were ringing for +high mass. On the road appeared groups of men and women. From the more +distant hamlets one could see them going Indian file along the narrow +paths amid the corn, which, though still green, had shot up to a +considerable height, owing to the early spring. As far as the eye +could reach, in the pure translucid atmosphere, the bright colored +kerchiefs of the girls appeared above the wheat-fields like so many +poppy flowers. By the bye, there is nowhere in Europe such a breadth +of atmosphere as in Poland. What struck me most of all was the +distinctly Sunday character of the day, not in the people alone, but +also in nature. It is true the weather was splendid, but it seemed as +if the wind were hushed because it was Sunday; even the corn did not +rock, not a leaf shook on the poplars, the stillness was perfect; yet +there was the cheerfulness of the Sunday in the festive garments, and +in the dancing sunbeams. + +I explained to Aniela how, from an artistic point of view, those +bright spots harmonized with the landscape and melted in the distance +into a blue haze. Then we began to talk about the peasants. I +confessed that I did not see anything but a crowd of more or less +picturesque models; but Aniela looks at them from a quite different +point of view. She began telling me many characteristic traits, some +sad, and some amusing, and while talking grew very animated, and at +the same time as lovely as a summer's dream. + +The conversation again drifted towards the old couple we had left +sitting under the church gate, and especially the old woman, whose +reasoning had amused us so much. I began comparing her position to my +own. As my aunt remained with Pani Celina, whom the servant wheeled +along at a certain distance behind, I could with freedom allude to our +last conversation in the park. + +"Not long ago," I said, "I asked you for alms, and you bestowed them +on me. I see now that this does not bind me to anything, and I may +again hold out my wooden platter at the church gate." + +"Eh! to ask other charitable souls for the same," replied Aniela. +"Aunty is going to invite one charitable soul to Ploszow, I +understand." + +"If it is Miss Hilst you mean, she is too big to find room in a single +heart; it wants three at least to hold her," but Aniela did not leave +off teasing, and shaking her little finger at me, said:-- + +"It is a suspicious case, very suspicious." + +"At present there is no ground for suspicion," I replied. "My heart +is a repository of brotherly feelings, and there reigns supreme the +spiteful little being who is tormenting me at present." + +Aniela ceased laughing and jesting, slackened her pace, and presently +we joined the elder ladies. The remainder of the day passed without +a cloud, and so pleasantly that at times I fancied myself again a +schoolboy. My eyes still spoke to her of love; but my desires slept. +My aunt went to Warsaw after lunch, and I remained in Pani Celina's +room, reading to her Montalembert's letters, with whom my father at +one time had a regular correspondence. These letters would have seemed +very tedious to me but for Aniela's presence. Raising my eyes now and +then, I met her glance, which filled me with inexpressible joy. Unless +I have lost all power of judgment, she looks at me as would look a +pure, innocent woman, unconsciously loving with all her soul. What a +good day it has been! + +My aunt came back towards evening, and announced visitors. To-morrow +both the Sniatynskis are coming, and Clara Hilst. + +It is very late, but I do not want to sleep, for I am loathe to part +with the memories of the day. Sleep cannot be more beautiful. The park +is literally alive with the song of the nightingales, and there is +still in me a great deal of the old romanticist. The night is clear +and limpid, and the sky full of stars. Thinking of Aniela, I say a +hundred times good-night to her. I see that side by side with the +_improductivité Slave_, there is in me a great deal of purely Polish +sentimentality. I had not known myself in that capacity before. But +what does it matter? I love her very much. + + +13 May. + +Clara and the Sniatynskis have not arrived. Instead of this, there +came a letter, informing us they would come to-morrow, the weather +permitting. To-day we had a thunder-storm, the like of which they have +not experienced here for a long time. About ten o'clock in the morning +a hot wind rose, which smothered everything in clouds of dust. The +wind fell at times, and then rose again with such fury that it seemed +to lay the trees flat. Our beautiful park was filled with the sound of +crashing branches, and clouds of dust mingled with torn-off leaves and +twigs. The great lime-tree close to the pavilion, where young Latysz +died, was split in two. It was fear-fully close, there was no air, and +the wind seemed to come straight from a heated furnace, and carried +with it a breath of carbon. I, used to the Italian _scirocco_, did not +mind it so much, but Pani Celina suffered greatly, and indirectly, +Aniela. My aunt was in a bad temper about the damage done to the park, +and as usual, vented it on Chwastowski. The peppery old gentleman, +who probably was caned often enough over his Homer, had evidently not +forgotten the Odyssey, nor his ready speech either, for he replied to +my aunt that if he were Æolus he would not serve her as agent, and +bear with her unjust tantrums. My aunt gave way this time, merely +because of the redoubled threats from the skies. It had grown very +still all at once, but from the south, banks of cloud, black as a +funereal pall, overcast with a sickly red sheen, came rolling up. In +a moment it grew as dark as night, and Pani Celina rung for lights. +Shortly afterwards the darkness yielded to an ominous reddish light. +Chwastowski rushed off in a hurry to give orders for the cattle to be +driven home, but the cow-herds had started without waiting for orders, +for presently we heard distinctly the mournful lowing of the cattle. +Then my aunt fetched the bell of Our Lady of Loreto, and went around +the house ringing energetically. I did not even try to explain to her +that ringing a bell in that motionless atmosphere might rather attract +than avert a thunderbolt, and in spite of the consciousness that in +case of danger I could not be of the slightest help, I was ashamed to +let her risk the danger alone. The old lady was simply magnificent +when, with her head thrown back, she seemed to defy the black and +copper-colored banks of clouds, and shook at them her Loreto bell. +I did not regret having gone with her, if only to see a symbolic +picture. At a moment when everything trembles before the approaching +horror, crouches in terror almost stupefied, faith alone has no fear; +it defies, and rings a bell. This is, from whatever side we look at +it, an element of incalculable power in the human soul. + +We returned when the first thunder began to growl all around the +horizon. A few minutes later the roar became incessant. I had a +sensation as if the thunder rolled on the lower stratum of the clouds, +and the whole mass would burst at any moment and come with a deafening +crash upon the earth. A thunderbolt fell into the pond at the other +end of the park, followed by another so close by that the house +shook on its foundations. My ladies began to say the Litany; I felt +uncertain what to do; if I joined them it would be hypocrisy on my +part, and if I did not it would look as if I were showing myself off +as an ill-bred wiseacre, who cannot make allowance for country customs +and female terrors. But I was wrong; they were not afraid; their faces +were calm, even serene. It was evident that the familiar Litany was +to them a sufficient armor against all dangers, and that there was no +fear in their hearts. The thought crossed my mind what a stranger in +spirit I was in presence of these Polish women, of whom each knows ten +times less than I, and according to human measure, is worth ten times +as much as I. They are like books of comparatively few pages, each +page containing clear and simple rules, whereas I, with all those +volumes of which I am composed, do not possess a single undoubted +truth. + +It was but a passing thought, as presently the storm that broke upon +us with terrific force engaged all my attention. The wind rose again, +crashing among the trees. It fell at moments, and then the rain came +down in streams; no drops were visible, but long spouts that seemed to +join sky and earth. The avenues in the park were like foaming brooks. +Sometimes a strong gust of wind whipped the water into a fine spray +that hung between earth and sky and obscured the whole view. The +deafening roar of thunder went on incessantly. The air was saturated +with electricity. My pulses were beating loudly; in the rooms an +irritating smell of sulphur made itself felt. The raging elements +without seemed to influence me in a strange way, and I began to lose +control over myself. + +"Do you want to see the storm?" I asked Aniela. + +"Very well. Where from?" + +"Come into the next room, there is a larger window." + +We went and stood at the window. It was very dark then, and every +moment white and red forks of lightning tore across the clouds, +opening the skies and at the same time illuminating our faces and the +dark world without. Aniela was calm, but seemed every moment more +desirable. + +"Are you afraid?" I whispered. + +"No." + +"Give me your hand." + +She looked at me wonderingly. Another moment and I should have folded +her in my arms and pressed my lips against hers, and then let Ploszow +be razed to the ground, by the tempest. But she was terrified, not by +the storm, but by the expression of my face and that whisper; she drew +back from the window and returned to the room where the elder ladies +were sitting. + +I remained alone,--with a feeling of anger and humiliation. That I +should have taken advantage of Aniela's confidence is quite certain, +and yet I felt offended by her want of trust, and resolved to pay her +out in some way. I stood for an hour at the window looking absently at +the lightning flashes. Then it grew lighter and lighter outside; at +last the clouds parted, and the sun shone forth fresh and bright and +as if wondering at the devastation the tempest had wrought. + +It was very considerable; the avenues were still flooded with yellow, +foaming water, above which floated broken branches. Here and there big +trees were lying about, snapped across or torn out by the roots; the +bark was partly stripped from the trunks of pine trees, leaving what +looked like gaping wounds. Everywhere the eye could reach there was +ruin and devastation, as if after a battle. + +When the water had drained off a little I went out toward the ponds +to ascertain the extent of the damage. Suddenly the whole park became +alive with people, who, with an almost savage energy, began to tear +off the broken branches and chop at the fallen trunks. It appears they +were peasant-lodgers who had no right in the woods. In the main, I +did not care whether they gathered the sticks, but as they had come +through the broken fence without permission, and in such a savage +manner, I, being out of humor, began to drive them away, my anger +rising at their stubborn resistance. At last I threatened them with +the village authorities, when suddenly, close by, the sweetest voice +in the world said in French:-- + +"Is there any harm in their clearing the park, Leon?" + +I turned round and saw Aniela, her head covered with a kerchief tied +under her chin. With both hands she was holding up her dress, showing +up to the ankles her little feet encased in high boots; bending +slightly forward she looked at me entreatingly. + +At her sight my anger vanished at once. I forgot the unpleasant +sensations that had troubled me a little while before, and looked at +her as if I could never fill myself enough with the sight. + +"Is it your wish?" I asked. + +Then, turning to the people, I said:-- + +"Take the wood, and thank the lady for the permission." + +This time they obeyed with alacrity. Some of them, evidently strangers +to Ploszow, addressed her as "gracious Panienka" (Miss), which caused +me unspeakable delight. If Ploszow were mine they might cut down every +tree at her wish. In half an hour every broken branch and fallen tree +was cleared away, and the park looked really all the better for it. +Walking with Aniela along the paths I found a great many swallows and +other birds, either killed by the storm or half dead and drenched +with rain. I picked them up, and handing them one by one to Aniela, +I touched her hands, looked into her eyes, and again felt happy. The +idyl of the day before repeated itself, for us both, and brought with +it ease and cheerfulness. My heart was full of joy, for I saw what +Aniela could not see,--that in our brotherly relation there was twice +as much tenderness as would be or ought to be between the most loving +brother and sister. I was quite sure now that, unconsciously, she +loved me as much as I loved her. In this way one half of my hopes and +schemes are realized already; there remains only to bring it home to +her and make her own to the feeling. When I think of that I remember, +with a heart beating fast with happiness, what I wrote down some time +ago: that "no woman in the world can resist the man she truly loves." + + +15 May. + +Our visitors did not come yesterday but to-day, which was very +sensible, as all traces of the storm have disappeared and the weather +is very fine. This fifteenth of May will be one of the best remembered +days in my life. It is now past midnight; I am wide awake, as if I +never wanted to sleep again, and intend to write until morning. I am +collecting my thoughts so as not to begin at the end, and put it all +down in proper order. Force of habit is a great help in this. + +My aunt sent the carriage for the Sniatynskis and Clara very early, in +consequence of which they arrived before noon. The ladies were bright, +cheerful, and chirping like sparrows, glad of the fine weather and +their excursion. What toilets, and what quaint hats! Clara looked +very well in a light, striped dress that made her seem less tall than +usual. I observed that Aniela, after the first greeting, looked at her +searchingly and seemed struck by her beauty, of which I had scarcely +said anything to her. I had not refrained out of calculation, but +had been so occupied with Aniela that I had not thought of it. For +instance, though I had met Pani Sniatynska several times I had never +noticed she wore her hair short, which suits her style of beauty. The +light, curly hair falling over her brow gives her the expression of a +resolute, rosy-faced boy. We are excellent friends again. There was a +time she would have liked to kill me, so angry was she about Aniela. +Evidently her husband had told her what I suffered, and women have +a special weakness for those who suffer for love's sake; she has +forgiven me and reinstalled me in her favor. The presence of such a +bright, vivacious, easy-going woman was a great help in bringing Clara +and Aniela into closer relation. I saw that my aunt met Clara with +great heartiness; but Aniela, in spite of her sweet disposition, +seemed shy, and kept aloof from her. At lunch, amid a cheerful +conversation, she thawed a little. Clara seemed struck by Aniela's +beauty, and as she always says what she thinks, she expressed her +admiration with so much grace and enthusiasm that Aniela had to yield. + +Pani Celina, who now perhaps for the first time found herself in +company with an artist, looked gratified, and turning to her said that +"though Aniela's mother, she must say that as a child she was very +pretty,--promising far greater beauty." Both Sniatynskis joined in the +conversation. He began to discuss with Clara various female types, +then spoke of Aniela's type and its aesthetic perfection in a highly +amusing objective manner, as if she were a portrait hanging on the +wall, rather than a living presence. She, listening to this, blushed +and lowered her eyes, truly like a little girl, which made her look +more charming than ever. + +I was silent, but inwardly compared these three female faces, treating +them also objectively, that is, putting aside the fact that one of +them was the loved one, and as such occupied an exceptional position; +even then everything spoke in her favor. Pani Sniatynska's, especially +in her short curly hair, is a charming head, yet nothing but what may +be found in any English Keepsake. Clara's beauty rests mainly upon her +calm expression, the blue eyes, and that transparent complexion so +often met with in German women; but for her art, which surrounds her +as with a nimbus, she could only be called a handsome woman. Aniela +is not only an artistic production of an exceedingly noble style as +regards her features, but there is something individual in her that +cannot be measured by any standard. Maybe her individuality rests upon +the fact that, being neither dark nor fair, she gives the physical +impression of a brunette and the spiritual one of a blonde. The cause +of this is perhaps the great abundance of hair on a comparatively +small head; enough that she is unique in her kind. She excels even +Mrs. Davis in this regard, whose beauty was without a flaw, but it was +the beauty of a statue. Mrs. Davis only excited the admiration of my +senses, while Aniela rouses in me the idealist, who goes in rapture +over the poetry of her expression. + +But I will not even compare these two so utterly different beings. +I yielded to these reflections during lunch, because the topic in +question had brought me on that track; besides, the analysis of +Aniela's beauty always gives me a keen delight. My aunt interrupted +the discussion, deeming it proper, as lady of the house, to say +something about Clara's last concert. She spoke much and very well; +I never supposed she had such knowledge of music; she paid her some +graceful compliments with the air of a _grande dame_, in that flowing, +winning style only people of the older generation are capable of. In +short, I observed that my downright, outspoken aunt was still able to +recall the times of powder and patches. Clara seemed quite charmed, +and did not remain behind-hand in graceful acknowledgment. + +"I shall always be able to play well at Warsaw," she said, "because +I am in touch with my audience, but I play best in small circles of +friends where I feel in sympathy with everybody,--and if you will +permit, I will give you a proof of it after lunch." + +My aunt, who was very anxious that Pani Celina should hear her, yet +had misgivings whether it would be right to ask her to play, was much +pleased by the proposal. I began to speak of Clara's performances at +Paris and her triumphs at Erard's concerts; Sniatynski gave an account +of what was said at Warsaw; and so the time passed until we rose from +lunch. Clara herself got hold of Paul Celina's invalid chair and would +not allow anybody to help, declaring laughingly that she was by +far the strongest among us, and was not afraid to tire her hands. +Presently she sat down to the piano, and as evidently Mozart suited +her disposition, she gave us Don Juan. The first notes sounded, she +was a different Clara; not the merry, lively child any longer, but an +incarnate Saint Cecilia. There shone in her the close relationship of +outward form with the spirit of harmony, which surrounded her with a +dignity above common womanhood. I made another observation, namely: +that a man in love can find food for his feelings even in what tells +against the loved woman. When I thought how far my Aniela was from +being a Sybil, saw her sitting in a corner of the drawing-room so +small and still, as if crushed down by some weight, I loved her all +the more, and it made her if possible dearer to me than ever. It also +occurred to me that a woman is not in reality what she appears to +people in general, but such as the man who loves sees her; therefore +her absolute excellence is in proportion to the power of love she +inspires. I had no time to follow out this idea, but it pleased me +because I saw dimly before me the conclusion that in the name of this +excellence the woman ought to give her heart to him who loves her +most. + +Clara played superbly. I watched the sensation on the others' faces, +when presently I noticed that Aniela was looking at me for the same +reason. Was it mere curiosity, or an involuntary uneasiness of heart +which could not say what it feared and yet was afraid? I said to +myself: "If the last supposition were true it would be a proof that +she loves me." The thought filled me with joy, and I resolved to find +an answer to it in the course of the day. Thenceforth I bestowed all +my attention upon Clara, and was more attentive to her than I had ever +been before. In the woods whither we had driven, I walked with her, +glancing furtively now and then at Aniela, who remained with the +Suiatynskis. Clara was in rapture with the woods, which are indeed at +their best now, the fresh green of the leafy trees forming a perfect +canopy over the more sombre looking pines. + +The sun filtering across the branches converted the earth, carpeted +with ferns and tender mosses, into a delicate golden embroidery. There +were the cheerful voices of spring around us, the cuckoo's call and +the woodpecker's knock-knock at the trees. When we joined the others +I asked Clara to translate into music the voices of spring. She said +there was already a _Frühlingslied_ singing within her, and she +would try to give it expression. Truly she looked as if the song was +there,--besides she is like a great harp that speaks only in sounds. + +Her face was bright with burning blushes; Aniela instead looked +fagged, though she evidently tried to keep up with the Sniatynskis, +who were as lively as a couple of school-children on their holiday. +They began finally to race with each other, and Clara joined in the +sport, which she ought not to have done, considering her size, as the +quick motion was anything but graceful,--nay, almost ridiculous. + +When they were thus running after each other I remained alone with +Aniela. According to my plan of operations I was anxious to bring +her mind to full consciousness through the uneasiness with which she +seemed to be oppressed. + +"There is something troubling you, Aniela; what is it?" I asked. + +"No, nothing whatever." + +"It seemed to me as if you were dissatisfied with something; is it +that you do not like Clara?" + +"No; I like her very much, and do not wonder she is so much admired." + +Further conversation was made impossible by the return of the truants. +It was also time to go back. On the way, Sniatynski asked Clara +whether she felt really satisfied with her stay at Warsaw. + +"The best proof I can give you of this is that I do not think of going +away yet," she replied gayly. + +"We must try to keep you with us always," I interpolated. + +Clara, in spite of the simplicity with which she accepts all that is +said to her, looked questioningly at me, then grew a little confused, +and replied,--"They are all very kind to me here." + +I was conscious that my words were in a way dishonorable, as they +might mislead Clara; but all I cared for was the impression they would +make upon Aniela. Unfortunately, I could not see her face, as she was +buttoning her gloves, with her head bent so low that her hat concealed +it from me. This sudden movement seemed to me a good sign. + +The elder ladies were awaiting us with the dinner, which lasted until +nine o'clock; and then Clara improvised her _Frühlingslied_. I am +almost certain that since Ploszow existed there had never been heard +such music within its walls, but I paid very little attention to it. +I sat near her in the dusk, as she did not want the lamps lit. +Sniatynski waved his arm as if it were a baton; which evidently +annoyed his wife, as she pulled his sleeve several times. Aniela sat +quite motionless; maybe she, too, was absorbed in her own thoughts, +and did not listen to the _Frühlingslied_. I was almost certain she +was thinking about me and Clara, and especially about the meaning of +the words I had said to Clara. It was easy enough to guess that even +if she did not love me, or had the slightest consciousness that my +love was any other but brotherly affection, she would feel sore and +disappointed if that were about to be taken away from her. A woman who +is not happy in her married life clings round any other feeling, if +it be only friendship, as the ivy clings to the tree. I had no doubt +whatever that if at this moment I knelt down at her feet and told her +it was she, and she alone, that I loved, she would feel a sudden joy, +as one feels upon recovering something very precious. And if so, I +debated within me, why not hasten the solution, if only a way could be +found,--frightening her as little as possible, or making her forget +all terror in her joy. I began at once to devise ways and means, as +I understood it must be done in such a way as to make it forever +impossible for her to cast me off. My mind worked very hard at it, as +the problem was not an easy one. Gradually a great emotion stole over +me: and strange to say, it was more on Aniela's account than on my own +that I felt moved,--for I realized suddenly what a great wrench it +would be, and I was afraid for her. + +In the mean time it had grown lighter in the drawing-room; the moon +had risen above the trees, and cast luminous shafts across the floor. +The melodies of the _Frühlingslied_ still filled the air, and the +nightingales responded to it through the open French window. It was +a glorious evening, warm and balmy, and full of harmony and love. I +thought involuntarily that, if life does not give us happiness, it +presents us with a ready frame for it. + +In the luminous dusk my eyes searched for Aniela; but she looked at +Clara, who at this moment seemed more a vision than a substantial +being. The moonlight, advancing more and more into the room, rested +now upon her; and in the light dress she looked like the silvery +spirit of music. But the vision did not last long. Clara finished her +song; whereupon Pani Sniatynska rose, and saying it was late, gave the +signal for departure. As the evening was so warm, I proposed we should +see our visitors off as far as the high-road, about half a mile from +our house. I did this on purpose, so as to walk home with Aniela. I +knew she could not well refuse such a mere act of politeness, and I +was also sure my aunt would not go with us. + +I gave orders for the carriage to drive on and wait on the road, and +we went on foot through the lime avenue. I offered my arm to Clara, +but we walked all abreast, accompanied by the croaking of the frogs in +the Ploszow mere. + +Clara stopped a moment to listen to that chorus, which ceased now and +then, to start afresh with redoubled vigor, and said,-- + +"This is the finale of my Song of Spring." + +"What an exquisite evening!" remarked Sniatynski, and then began to +quote the beautiful lines from the "Merchant of Venice":-- + + "How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank! + Here will we sit and let the sounds of music + Creep in our ears: soft stillness and the night + Become the touches of sweet harmony." + +He did not remember the rest, but I did, and took up the strain:-- + + "Sit, Jessica. Look how the floor of heaven + Is thick inlaid with patines of bright gold: + There's not the smallest orb which thou behold'st + But in his motion like an angel sings, + Still quiring to the young-eyed cherubins; + Such harmony is in immortal souls; + But whilst this muddy vesture of decay + Doth grossly close it in, we cannot hear it." + +Then I repeated to Clara, who does not understand Polish, the lines in +French, improvising the translation. She listened to it, then raised +her eyes heavenward, and said simply,-- + +"I was always certain there is music in the spheres." + +It appeared that Pani Sniatynska was equally certain of it, and +reminded her husband that she had discussed it with him not long +before, but he was not quite sure he remembered; whereupon a slight +matrimonial dispute took place, at which Clara and I laughed. Aniela +had not joined the conversation at all; did she feel hurt that I +had offered my arm to Clara, and paid her some attention? The very +supposition made me feel happy. Yet I tried not to lose my head, and +said to myself, "Do not run away with the idea that she knows what +jealousy means; she is only a little sad and feels lonely, that is +all." I would have given at this moment a whole host of artists such +as Clara for a few words with Aniela,--to tell her that I belong +to her, and only to her. Then Sniatynski began a discussion about +astronomy, of which I heard now and then a few words, though this +science attracts me more than I can tell,--for in its very nature +there is no limit, either in itself or for the human mind; it is +infinite. + +We reached at last the end, where our guests mounted into the +carriage. Presently the wheels rattled on the road, the last good-bys +reached our ears, and I was alone with Aniela. We turned homewards, +and for some time walked side by side in silence. The croaking of +the frogs has ceased, and from the distance came the sound of the +watchman's whistle and the loud baying of the dogs. I did not speak to +Aniela, because the silence seemed fraught with deep meaning,--both +our minds being full of the same subject. When about half-way I said +to Aniela,-- + +"What a pleasant day it has been, has it not?" + +"Yes. I never heard such beautiful music before." + +"And yet you seemed not in your usual spirits, and though you will not +tell me the cause, I notice every passing cloud on your face." + +"You were obliged to look after your guests. You are very kind to +trouble about me, but there is nothing the matter with me." + +"To-day as any other day I was occupied with you only, and as a proof +of it let me tell you of what you were thinking to-day." And without +waiting for permission, I went on at once: "You thought I resembled +somewhat the Latysz couple; you thought I had deceived you in speaking +of the void around me; lastly, you thought that I had no need to ask +for your friendship while I was seeking friendship elsewhere. Was it +not so? Tell me the truth." + +Aniela replied with evident effort: "If you insist upon knowing--yes, +perhaps it is so. But I ought to be only glad of it." + +"What ought you be glad of?" + +"Of your mutual friendship with Clara." + +"As to our friendship,--I wish her well, that is all. But Clara, like +all other women, is indifferent to me. Do you know why?" + +I began to tremble a little, because I perceived that the moment +had come. I waited a moment to see whether Aniela would take up my +question, and then, in a voice I tried to render steady, I said,-- + +"Surely you must see and understand that my whole being belongs to +you; that I loved you and love you still madly." + +Aniela stood still as if turned to stone. By the icy coldness of my +face I felt that I was growing pale; and if the world seemed to totter +under that poor child's feet, it was my life, too, which was at stake. +Knowing with whom I had to deal, I did not give her time to repulse +me. I began to speak very quickly:-- + +"Do not answer me, for I do not want anything from you. I desire +nothing,--nothing whatever, understand that well. I wanted to tell you +that you have taken my life, and it is henceforth yours, to do with it +what you like. But you have seen yourself that such is the case, and +it matters nothing whether I speak of it or not. I repeat that I +desire nothing, nor do I expect anything. You cannot repulse me, +because I repulse myself. I only tell you as I might tell a friend, a +sister. I come and complain to you, because I have nowhere else to +go, that I love a woman that belongs to somebody else,--love her to +distraction,--oh, Aniela!--and without limit!" + +We were near the gate, but still in the deep shadow of the trees. For +a moment I had the delusion that she was leaning towards me like +a broken flower, that I might snatch her into my arms; but I was +mistaken. + +Aniela, recovering from the sudden shock, began suddenly to say, with +a kind of nervous energy I had not suspected in her,-- + +"I will not listen to this, Leon. I will not; I will not; I will not!" + +And she ran into the moonlit courtyard. Yes; she ran away from my +words,--my confession. Presently she disappeared within the portico, +and I remained alone with a feeling of unrest, fear, and great pity +for her, and triumph at the same time that the words which should be +the beginning of a new life for us both had been spoken. For, to say +the truth, I could not expect anything else from her at first; but the +seed from which something must spring up was sown. + +When I came into the house there was no Aniela visible. I found +only my aunt, walking up and down the room muttering her rosary and +soliloquizing between the prayers. I said good-night, and went at once +to my room thinking that it would calm me if I put down the day's +impressions; but it only tired me more. I intend to go away to-morrow, +or rather to-day, for I see the daylight coming through the window. I +want to confirm Aniela in the conviction that I expect nothing from +her,--want her to calm down and get familiar with what I told her. But +to confess the whole truth, I go away also because I am afraid to meet +her so soon, and would fain put it off. There are moments when +it seems to me a monstrous deed to have introduced an element of +corruption in this pure atmosphere. But does not the principal evil +lie in her marrying a man she cannot love? What is more immoral, my +love which is a manifestation of nature's great law, or the belonging +of Aniela to that man, which is a shameful breaking of the same law? +And I, who understand this so clearly, am yet so weak that a horror +seizes me when I kick against that corrupt morality. But all these +scruples melt like snow at the words, "I love." If even now my heart +feels sore at the thought that at this very moment she may be awake, +weeping perhaps, or torn by doubts, it is only another proof how I +love her. It hurts me, and at the same time I do not see how otherwise +we can arrive at happiness. + + +19 May. + +The first night after my arrival I slept profoundly. At Ploszow I +grudged every moment that kept me from Aniela, and during the night I +was writing; consequently I felt deadly tired. And now I feel still +heavy, but am able to think. I am somewhat ashamed that I ran away and +left Aniela alone to bear the burden of my confession; but when the +beloved woman is in question, a little cowardice is not dishonorable. +Besides, I should not have fled had it not been necessary for the +future weal of my love. Now, every day when she rises and says her +prayers, walks in the park or attends her sick mother, she must, if +ever so unwillingly, say to herself, "He loves me," and the thought +will gradually become familiar, less terrifying to her. Human nature +gets accustomed to everything, and a woman soon becomes reconciled to +the thought that she is loved, especially when she returns that love. +This question, "Does she love me?" I put to myself the first time when +I knew I loved her still; and again I turn it over in my mind, try to +weigh all the circumstances as if somebody else's fate were at stake, +and I arrive at the conviction that it cannot be otherwise. When she +married she loved me, not Kromitzki; she only yielded to him her hand +driven by despair. If she had married a superior man who dazzled her +by his fame, his thoughts, or exceptional character, she might have +forgotten me. But how could a Kromitzki, with his money-grubbing +neurosis, get hold of her affection? Besides, he left her soon after +they were married; he sold Gluchow, which was as the very apple of the +eye to these two women. Judging Kromitzki quite impartially, there +was nothing in him which could win a being full of ideal impulses and +feelings. Then I came back,--I, whom she had loved. I touched the +chords of her heart with memories of the past, by every word and +glance. I drew her towards me, not only with that skill an experience +of life gives, but also with that magnetic force true love bestows on +man. Adding to this the fact that she knew how much I suffered when I +sent Sniatynski to her, she must have pitied me, and that pity cannot +have vanished altogether. I play for my life, but the cards are in my +favor. I cannot lose the game. + +I am as much in my right as anybody who is defending his life. I do +not say this upon the impulse of the moment, but after calm reasoning. +I have no convictions, no beliefs, no principles, no stable ground +under my feet, for the ground has been undermined by criticism and +reflection. I have only those forces of life born with us, and they +are all concentrated on one woman. Therefore I clutch my love as a +drowning man clutches a plank; if this gives way there will be nothing +left to live for. If common-sense asks, "Why did you not marry +Aniela?" I say what I have said before: I did not marry her simply for +the reason that I am not straight, but crooked,--partly because born +so, partly because so reared by those two nurses, Reflection and +Criticism. Why this woman and no other should be my plank of +salvation, I do not know. Most likely because it was she and not +another. It did not depend upon me. + +If she were free to-day, I would stretch my hands out for her without +hesitation; if she had never been married, who knows?--I am ashamed +of the thought, and yet it may be that she would not be so desirable. +Most likely, judging by the past, I should have gone on watching her, +watching my own feelings, until somebody else carried her off; but I +prefer not to think of it, because it makes me inclined to swear. + + +20 May. + +I considered to-day what would happen if I gained Aniela's love, or +rather brought her to confess it. I see happiness before me but no way +of reaching it. I know that if in presence of these women I uttered +the word "divorce," they would think the roof was crashing down over +our heads. There cannot be even a question as to that, because my +aunt's and Pani Celina's ideas upon that point are such that neither +of them would survive the shock. I have no illusions as to Aniela; her +ideas are the same. And yet the moment she owns her love, I will say +the word, and she must accustom herself to it; but we shall have to +wait until my aunt's and Pani Celina's death. There is nothing else +for it. Kromitzki will either agree willingly or he will not. In the +latter case I shall carry Aniela off, if I have to go as far as the +Indies, and the divorce, or rather invalidation of the marriage, I +shall conduct myself, in spite of his wishes. Fortunately, there is no +want of means. As regards myself, I am ready for everything, and the +inward conviction that I am right justifies me in my own eyes. This +time it is not a mere love intrigue, but a feeling that absorbs my +whole being. Its sincerity and strength make all my stratagems lawful. +I know that I deceive her in saying that all I wish to gain is a +sister's love. I deceive her when I say I do not desire anything; all +this would be wrong and a lie if my love were in itself a lie. In +presence of a great truth, they are mere diplomatic stratagems of +love. It all belongs to the course of love. It is a known fact that +even affianced lovers have recourse to stratagems, in order to make +each other confess their love. As to myself, I am sincere even when I +say what is not true. + + +21 May. + +I told Aniela that I intended to work, and I will do so, if only for +the reason that I said so to her. I will have the collections brought +over from Rome, and found a museum. This will be Aniela's merit, +and the first useful deed that springs from our love. I suppose the +Italian government will raise difficulties, as there is a law that +prohibits the exportation of antiquities and precious works of art. +But my lawyer will arrange that for me. And that reminds me of the +Madonna by Sassoferrato, which my father bequeathed to his future +daughter-in-law. I will have it sent over at once, because I want it. + + +22 May. + +Human nature is ever malicious. I have a grim satisfaction in thinking +how ridiculous a man like Kromitzki must seem, who is turning +summersaults in the East in his effort to make money, while somebody +whispers love vows into his wife's ears; and sooner or later Aniela +must see it in this light. The whole Kromitzki can be summed up in +the one fact: he sold Gluchow and left the women without a home. He +thought perhaps they would live in Odessa or Kieff; in the mean while +Pani Celina's illness brought Aniela to Ploszow. + +Yet he knew how precarious the lady's health was; he ought to have +foreseen that she might fall ill, and that Aniela would remain alone +with the burden of sorrow and trouble. If his business requires his +presence in the East, why did he marry at all? + +To-morrow I go back to Ploszow. I feel very lonely here, and besides +I feel the longing to look once more into Aniela's eyes, and at times +feel guilty, as if I had been shirking a duty by running away. It was +necessary at the time, but I must go back now. Who knows? greater +happiness than I suppose may be waiting for me,--perhaps she too is +longing for me. + +I called upon the Sniatynskis, and Clara, whom I did not find at home. +I paid also a visit to the celebrated beauty, Pani Korytzka. The +latter carries her historical name like a jockey cap, and her wit as +a riding-whip; she hits people with it between the eyes. I came off +unscathed; she even tried a little coquetry on me. I made a dozen or +so calls and left cards. I wish people to think that I am settled at +Warsaw. + +As the bringing over of my father's collections is only a matter of +will and ready money, I am seeking what else there is for me to do. +Men of my position are usually occupied with the administration of +their fortune; and very badly they administer it on the whole, far +worse than I. Very few take any part in public life. I mentioned +before that here they still amuse themselves with aristocracy and +democracy; there are even some whose whole aim in life consists in +backing up social hierarchy, and stemming the tide of democratic +currents. It is a sport as good as any other, but since I am no +sportsman, I take no interest in that amusement. Even if it were no +mere play, if there were some sense at the bottom of it, I am too much +of a sceptic in regard to both parties to belong to either. Democracy, +by which I mean patented democrats, not people of humble extraction, +acts upon my nerves. As to aristocracy, methinks that if their _raison +d'être_ is based upon services rendered to the country by their +ancestors, those services have often been such that the sooner their +descendants don the hair shirt and cover their heads with ashes the +better. Besides, these two parties, with the exception of a few +foolish individuals, do not really believe in themselves. Some feign +sincerity in order to serve their own ends, and as I never feign +anything, it is clear that to take part in such struggles is not the +work for me. Then there are those of the Sniatynski order who stand +above both parties, but are always ready to drown both in their +synthesis. They are, as a rule, strong men; but even if I could agree +with them I should have to do something,--mere consciousness of duty +is not work. Sniatynski writes plays. Truly, when I look things +straight in the face, I find that I am outside the parenthesis, and +do not see my way to get inside. It is strange that a man who has +considerable means, culture, certain capacities, and a wish for +something to do, should find nothing he can put his hands to. Again +I feel inclined to swear, as it is all owing to that intellectual +splitting of hairs. They ought to make a diagnosis upon me, as to the +disease of Time's old age, which in me has reached the acute stage. +He who is a sceptic in regard to faith, in regard to science, +conservatism, progress, and so on, has indeed difficulty in finding +anything to do. + +In addition to all that, my aspirations are far greater than the +possibility of satisfying them. Life rests upon work; and therefore, +here people work at something or other. But it is the work of a +dray-horse, carting grain to the granary. I could not do it even if I +wished. I am a high-stepper, fit only for a carriage, and of no use on +sandy, rutty roads, where common horses do the work better and more +steadily. At the building of a house I could not carry the bricks, but +might do something in the ornamental line, but where it is a question +of four simple walls and a sound roof, artisans such as I are not +wanted. If at least I had a mighty impulse towards work, I still might +be able to force myself to do something. But in the main, it is only a +question of appearances. I wish to work in order to please the woman +I love. Aniela in regard to that has exalted notions, and it would +certainly please her. Moreover, for that very reason my vanity and +also my calculations urge me to bid for a prominent position, which +would raise my value in her eyes. I will see what can be done, and +in the meanwhile my purse will do the work for me. I shall have the +collection sent over, support various institutions, and give money +where it is wanted. + +What a strange power there is in woman! She comes in contact with a +genius without portfolio, an exceptionally useless implement like me, +and then, without any preaching on her part, he feels himself in duty +bound to do all sorts of things he never dreamed of doing before. + +The deuce take me if I ever thought of bringing my collections to +Paris or Vienna for the sake of a Parisian or Viennese. I am going +back to Ploszow; I long to be near my good spirit. + + +23 May. + +When I went away from Ploszow for some time, it was to bring Aniela +to some kind of decision. At Warsaw and on the way back to Ploszow, I +tried to guess what she had resolved upon. I knew she could not write +to her husband: "Come and take me away, for Ploszowski is making love +to me;" she would not have done so even if she hated me. There is too +much delicacy of feeling in her to do that. Putting aside that an +encounter between me and Kromitzki might be the consequence of such a +step, Aniela would have to leave her sick mother, who cannot go away +from Ploszow. + +Aniela's position is indeed a difficult one, and I counted upon that +before I made my confession. The thought crossed my mind that she +might take it into her head to avoid me altogether, and shut herself +up in her mother's rooms. But I dismissed the thought. In the country +and under the same roof it would be quite impracticable, or at any +rate so conspicuous as to rouse the elder ladies' attention and +consequently act injuriously upon her mother's health. In truth I take +the utmost advantage of her position, but who that is in love does not +do the same? I foresaw that Aniela, even if she returns my love, will +not allow me in the future to repeat my avowal,--she will resist more +than any other married woman; for what with her principles and her +modesty, the slightest sign of yielding would appear to her an +incredible crime. But how can she prevent me from telling her my love? +There is only one way,--by getting from me a voluntary promise; I +guessed she would speak to me about it, and I was right. + +When I arrived at Ploszow she seemed pale, and a little worn, but +looked at me with a resolute face. It was evident the dear child had +laid by a whole store of arguments to convince me with, and believed +that after displaying them there would be nothing for me but to remain +silent forever. Angelic delusion; to think there is only one truth in +the world. No! do not enter into any arguments with me, my Aniela, for +if I believe in any truth, it is the truth and right of love; besides, +I am too wily, and each argument will be turned inside out like a +glove and made into a weapon against yourself. Neither argument nor +reasoning, not even my pity will save you; for the whiter, the more +perfect and angelic you prove yourself, the more I shall love you, and +the more I love, the more desirable you will be to me. I have nothing +but crocodile tears for you, which will only sharpen my rapacity. Such +is the mazy circle of love. At the sight of Aniela I felt myself drawn +into that circle. In the afternoon, that same day, when Pani Celina +had fallen asleep on the veranda, Aniela motioned me to follow her +into the park. From the earnest expression of her face, I guessed that +the time had come for those arguments, and I followed her eagerly. As +we went farther from the veranda, I noticed that Aniela's animation +began to flag; she had grown paler and seemed frightened at her own +temerity; but she could not draw back now, and began in an unsteady +voice:-- + +"If you only knew how unhappy I have been these last days--" + +"Do you think I have been much happier?" I replied. + +"I know you have not, and because of that I have a request to make. +You understand everything, and are so good and generous you will not +refuse what I ask you." + +"Tell me, what do you want me to do?" + +"Leon, you must leave here, go abroad again, and do not come back +until mamma and I are able to leave Ploszow." + +I was sure she would ask me that. I remained silent for a while as if +searching for an answer. + +"You can do with me what you like," I said; "but tell me, why do you +send me into exile?" + +"I do not send you into exile; but you know why--" + +"I know," I replied, with unfeigned sadness and resignation; "it is +because I am ready to give the last drop of my blood for you, because +I would shield you with my body from any danger, because I love you +more than my life,--these are heavy sins indeed!" + +"No," she interrupted, with feverish energy, "but because I am the +wife of a man I love and respect,--and I will not listen to such +words." + +Impatience and anger seized me; I knew she did not speak the truth. +All married women shield themselves with love and respect for the +husband when they arrive at a turning-point of their life, though +there may not be a shadow of that feeling in their hearts; +nevertheless, Aniela's words sent a shock through my nerves, and I +could scarcely repress the exclamation: "You say what is not true! you +are perjuring yourself, for you neither love nor respect the man;" but +the thought that her energy would not hold out long made me refrain, +and I replied, almost humbly:-- + +"Do not be angry with me, Aniela; I will go." + +I saw that my humility disarmed her, and that she felt sorry for me. +Suddenly she pulled a leaf from a low-hanging branch, and began to +tear it nervously to pieces. She made superhuman efforts not to burst +into tears, but I saw her breast heaving with agitation. + +I, too, was moved to the very depth of my soul, and continued with +difficulty:-- + +"Do not wonder that I hesitate to comply with your wish, for it is +very heavy upon me. I have told you that I do not wish for anything +but to breathe the same air with you, to look at you, and God knows it +is not too much I ask for; yet such as it is, it is my all. And you +take it away from me. Think only; everybody else is allowed to come +here, to speak to you, look at you--but me. Why am I shut out? Because +you are dearer to me than to anybody else! What a refined cruelty of +fate! Only put yourself in my place. It is difficult for you, who have +never known what loneliness means; you love your husband, or think +you do, which comes to the same; put yourself for a moment into my +position, and you will understand that such a sentence is worse than +death. You ought to feel at least a little pity. Driving me from here, +you take everything from me. I told you I had come home to do some +useful work, in which I might find peace, forgetfulness, and redeem +my former sins; only recently I resolved to bring over my father's +collections; and you want me to renounce all that, bid me go away and +begin again a wandering, aimless, life. But have your wish; I will +go if you tell me the same three days hence, for I fancy you did not +quite understand what all this meant for me. Now you know, I only ask +for three days' respite, nothing more." + +Aniela covered her eyes with her hands and moaned: "Oh, my God! my +God!" + +There was something inexpressibly touching in the low cry, like the +wail of a child at its own powerlessness. There was a moment I felt +tempted to promise everything she asked. But in that wail I saw the +promise of a future victory, and I would not lose its fruits. + +"Listen to me," I said, "I will go at once, this very moment, and put +seas between us, if you tell me that it is necessary for your own +peace of mind. I speak to you now as a friend, a brother! I know from +my aunt that you loved me; if that love be still alive I will go at +your bidding." + +Sincere pain on my part dictated these words; but it was a terrible +trap for Aniela, which might wring a confession from her. If that had +happened--I do not know--maybe I should have kept my word, but as the +heavens are above us, I would have taken her into my arms. But she +only shuddered as if I had touched an open wound; then her face flamed +up in anger and indignation. "No!" she exclaimed with desperate +passion, "it is not true! not true! You may do as you like, go away +or stay, but it is not true!" The very passion with which these words +were uttered showed me that it might be true. I felt inclined to tell +her so with frank brutality, but I saw my aunt coming towards us. +Aniela was not able to conceal her emotion, and my aunt looking at her +asked at once:-- + +"What is troubling you, child? what have you two been talking about?" + +"Aniela was telling me how grieved her mother was about the sale of +Gluchow--and I do not wonder she took it so much to heart." + +Whether Aniela's strength was exhausted, or the untruth I made her +take a silent part in filled the cup of bitterness to overflowing, she +burst into incontrollable sobs that shook her like a reed; my aunt +folded her into her arms and hushed her as if she were a little child. + +"Aniela, my darling, there is no help for it; let us submit to God's +will. The hail has ruined five of my farms, and I did not even say a +word about it to Chwastowski." + +The mention of the five farms appeared to me so inappropriate, +selfish, and futile in presence of Aniela's tears that it made me +quite angry with my aunt. + +"Never mind the farms," I said brusquely, "she is grieved about her +mother;" and I went away in sorrow, for I felt I was torturing the +woman I loved beyond anything. I had conquered along the whole line, +yet I felt profoundly sad, as if the future were full of unknown +terrors. + + +25 May. + +To-day is the third day since our conversation, and as Aniela has not +referred to it again, I remain. She does not say much to me, nor does +she avoid me altogether, fearing to attract notice. I try to be good, +friendly, and attentive, but do not thrust myself in her way. I want +her to think I keep my feeling under control, but she cannot help +seeing it is there, and increasing every moment. At any rate we have a +little world to ourselves, where only we two dwell; we have our mutual +secret from the others. When we speak about indifferent topics we both +know that at the bottom of our hearts there is something we both think +about but do not put into words. This forms a tie; time and patience +will do the rest. From my love I weave a thousand threads around her, +which will bind us more and more. This would be all in vain if she +loved her husband; it would make her hate me. But the past speaks in +my favor, and the present does not not belong to Kromitzki. I still +think it over with the greatest impartiality, and I come to the same +conclusion, that she cannot love him. Aniela's resistance is the +inward struggle of an exceptionally pure soul, that does not allow a +breath of faithlessness to come near it. But she is without help in +that struggle. I know the resistance will be long, and difficult to +overcome; I must always be on the watch, give a clear account to +myself of every trifle, and weave around her strong and invisible +threads. Even if I should commit any mistakes they will be only, the +result of my love, and as such will be rather a help than a hindrance. + + +26 May. + +I told Sniatynski about my intention to have my Roman collections +conveyed to Warsaw,--calculating that it would reach the press, which +could not fail to laud me up to the sky as a public benefactor. Aniela +involuntarily must compare me to Kromitzki, which will count in my +favor. I sent also a telegram to Rome, asking for the Sassoferrato. + +During breakfast I told Aniela, in presence of the others, that my +father had left the picture to her in his will; which confused her, +and she guessed at once that he had looked upon her as his future +daughter. It is true there was no name mentioned in the will, and for +that very reason I want Aniela to have it. The mention of this bequest +reawoke in us both a host of memories. I had done this on purpose to +turn Aniela's thoughts to the past, when she loved me and could love +me in peace. I know the remembrance must be mingled with some bitter +thoughts, even some resentment; it cannot be otherwise; but it would +be worse without the message I sent her through Sniatynski. This +message is the only extenuating circumstance in the whole guilty +affair. Aniela knows that I wanted to undo the wrong, that I loved her +then, suffered, and repented,--am repenting still, and that if we are +unhappy she too helped to bring that unhappiness on both. She is bound +to absolve me in her heart, regret the past and dream what the future +might have been but for my misdeeds and her severity. Even then I was +reading in her face that she felt frightened at her own thoughts +and visions, and tried to drive them away by a conversation upon +indifferent subjects. My aunt is so full of the approaching races +and the expected victory of Naughty Boy, who is put down for the +government stakes, that she cannot think of anything else. Aniela +thereupon began to talk about the races, and made some random remarks +and asked a few questions, until my aunt got scandalized and said:-- + +"My dear child, I see you have not the slightest notion about races." + +I said to her with my eyes: "I know you want to stifle your feelings;" +and she understood me as if I had said it in so many words. And +indeed, I am quite certain that she is as much absorbed in our mutual +relation as I am. The thought of love independent of matrimony is +already planted in her soul; it is there, and does not leave her for +a moment. She must live with it, and get reconciled to it. In such a +case a woman, even if she had loved her husband, would turn from him. +A drop of water will hollow out a stone. If Aniela loves me ever so +little, if she only loves the past, she will be mine. I cannot think +of it calmly, because the foretaste of happiness is almost choking me. + +There are here and there quicksands on the seashore, and the unwary +traveller who wanders there is lost. At times it seems to me that my +love is like one of those quicksands, and that I am dragging Aniela +into it; I myself am sinking, sinking--Let it be so--but together! + + +28 May. + +My aunt is spending six to eight hours out of the twenty-four at +Burzany, one of her farms, a mile from Ploszow, where she passes her +time in contemplation of Naughty Boy, and in looking after Webb, the +English trainer. I was there above an hour yesterday. Naughty Boy is +a fine animal,--let us hope he will not be naughty when the great day +arrives. But what does it matter to me? Various business is taking me +to town, but I am loath to leave Ploszow. Pani Celina has been worse +the last few days, but young Chwast, as my aunt calls him, says it +is merely a passing symptom; he considers it necessary that somebody +should always be with the sick lady, to distract her from the thoughts +which dwell upon the loss of the dear ancestral home, and consequently +weaken her nerves. I try to show her almost a son's attention, because +in this way I earn Aniela's gratitude, and she gets used to consider +me as belonging to them. I have now not the slightest ill-feeling +towards the old lady,--she is too unhappy herself; and besides, I +begin to love everything and everybody that belongs to Aniela,--with +one exception. + +Yesterday I spent several hours with the invalid, together with Aniela +and Chwast. We were reading and talking. Pani Celina does not sleep at +night, and as the doctor does not approve of sleeping-draughts, she +dozes off in the daytime after any lengthy conversation, and strange +to say, only a sudden silence wakes her up. For this reason we keep up +the conversation or the reading. It was the same to-day. But for the +doctor's presence I could speak to Aniela with the greatest freedom. + +Just at this time the daily papers are fully occupied with the divorce +of the beautiful Pani Korytzka. Everybody talks about it, and my aunt, +who is related to the husband, is greatly shocked. I resolved to make +the most of my opportunity, and plant ideas in Aniela's mind that had +not been there before. + +"You are quite wrong, dear aunt, to blame Pani Korytzka. To me it +seems that she acts as a true and honest woman should. Where love +begins, human will ends,--even you must acknowledge that. If Pani +Korytzka loves somebody else, nothing remains for her but to leave +her husband. I know what you are going to say, and also what Aniela +thinks,--that duty still remains; is it not so?" + +"I think you too must be of the same opinion," replied Aniela. + +"Most certainly. The question is which way lies Pani Korytzka's duty." + +I do not know why, but the young doctor stipulated that he did +not recognize any free will, but afterwards listened attentively, +evidently pleased with the boldness of my views. + +But seeing astonishment on Aniela's face, I went on quickly:-- + +"What can there be more barbarous or unnatural than to ask a woman to +sacrifice the man she loves to the man she does not love? Religious +beliefs may be in contradiction with one another, but they all agree +upon the same ethics, that marriage is based upon love. What then is +matrimony? It is either something inviolable and essentially holy +when resting upon such a basis, or if otherwise, only a contract +in contradiction to religion and morality, and as such ought to be +dissolved. Otherwise speaking, a woman's duties spring from her +feelings, and not from a number of more or less solemn ceremonies, +which in themselves are only so many forms. I say this because I am a +man who puts truth above mere forms. I know the word 'faithlessness' +sounds very terrible. But do not delude yourselves with the notion +that a woman is faithless at the moment she leaves her husband. She +is faithless the very moment she feels that her love for him is gone. +What follows after is only a question of her capacity to bring things +to a logical conclusion, of her courage and her heart that knows, or +does not know, the meaning of love. Pani Korytzka loved the man for +whom she divorces her husband before she was married; the marriage +was contracted in a moment of misunderstanding, she mistaking an +exhibition of jealousy for indifference. This was her only mistake; +which she wants to correct now that she understands that it was not +right to sacrifice the man she loved to the man she looked upon with +indifference; nobody but those who will not see can call her bad or a +hypocrite." + +There was as much fiction as truth in what I was saying. I knew my +aunt would never agree to the theory that the will ends when love +steps in; but I said it to impress Aniela with the idea that there was +no doubt about it. That first lover was also an invention of my own, +to make the story more to the point. But I was perfectly sincere when +speaking about the rights and duties springing from feeling. It is +quite another thing that I might not stand up for this theory if it +did not suit me just then; but man is always subjective, especially +the man who has doubted all objective truths. + +I stood up for myself, and should have been foolish to speak against +my own interest. I counted that this kind of reasoning would hasten +the evolution of her soul, encourage her, and finally justify her in +her own eyes. Considering her great sensitiveness, I thought some of +it would take root. She understood me perfectly, and I could see that +every word thrilled her nerves; her color came and went; she put her +hands to her burning face to cool it. At last, when I had ceased +speaking, she replied:-- + +"Everything may be proved in some way or other; but when we do wrong +our conscience tells us, 'It is wrong, wrong!' and nothing can +convince it to the contrary." + +Young Chwastowski must have thought Aniela wanting in philosophical +development, and as to myself I had a sensation like that, for +instance, when a weapon comes into contact with a stone wall. Aniela's +reply, in its simplicity and dogmatism, brought to naught all my +arguments. For if the principle that the will ends where love steps in +might be open to doubt, there is no doubt whatever that where dogma +begins reasoning ceases. Women generally, and Polish women especially, +agree with logic as long as it does not bring them into danger. At the +approach of danger they shelter themselves behind the fortifications +of simple faith and catechismal truth, which strong feeling might +force to surrender, but reasoning, never. It is their weakness, and at +the same time their strength. In consequence of this their power of +reasoning is weaker than man's, but their saintliness in certain +conditions becomes unassailable. The devil can lead a woman astray +only when he inspires her with love; by way of reasoning he can do +nothing, even if for once he has the right on his side. + +In presence of these reflections I feel disheartened. I am thinking +that any structure, however cleverly and artfully raised by me, will +be pulled down by the simple words: "It is wrong; conscience does not +permit it." + +In presence of that I am powerless. I must be very careful so as +not to estrange or frighten her by the boldness of ideas I try to +acclimatize in her mind. And yet I cannot give up all endeavors of +this kind. Though they do not occupy the first place in the plan of +subduing her, they may hasten the solution. They would be of no use +whatever if it were true that she did not love me. If I had made a +mistake,--but even then there would be some kind of solution. + + +29 May. + +To-day I found Aniela standing on a chair before the old Dantzic clock +which had gone wrong. At the moment she raised herself on tip-toe to +reach the hands, the chair gave way. I had only time to cry out, "Take +care! you are falling!" I caught her in my arms, and put her on the +floor. For the twinkling of an eye I held the dear girl in my arms, +her hair touched my face, her breath fanned my cheek. I felt so dizzy +that I had to steady myself by grasping the back of a chair,--and she +saw it. She knows I love her madly. I cannot write any more. + + +30 May. + +My whole day was poisoned, for Aniela has received another letter from +Kromitzki. I heard her telling my aunt that he does not know himself +when he will be able to return,--may be shortly, or it may be two +months hence. I cannot even imagine how I shall be able to bear his +presence near Aniela. At times it seems that I simply could not bear +it. I count upon some lucky chance that will prevent his coming back. +Chwastowski says Pani Celina ought to go to Gastein as soon as she can +bear the journey. Gastein is such a distance from Baku that it may be +too far for Kromitzki to go. I shall go there as sure as there is a +heaven above us. It is a happy thought of Chwastowski's; the baths +will do us all much good. I too feel fagged and in want of bracing +mountain air, and still more in want of being near Aniela. To-morrow I +shall go to Warsaw, and send a telegram to the manager of the bathing +establishment to secure rooms for the ladies. If no rooms are to be +had, I am ready to buy a villa. When Pani Celina spoke of the trouble +and difficulties it would give Aniela were she to go there, I only +said: "Leave it all to me;" and then, in a lower voice, to Aniela: "I +will take care of her as if she were my own mother." I saw that Pani +Celina, who believes less and less in Kromitzki's millions, was afraid +I might arrange things on too expensive a scale; but I have already +settled it in my mind to show her a fictitious agreement, and take the +greater part of the expenses upon myself. Of course, I never mentioned +that I intended going there myself. I will arrange it so that the +proposal shall come from my aunt. I am quite sure that, as soon as I +unfold my plans of going somewhere in the hills to recruit my health, +the good soul will fall into the trap, and say: "Why not go with them? +it will be more comfortable for all of you." I know it will frighten +Aniela, and in the most secret recess of her heart please her a +little. Maybe it will remind her of the poet's line, "You are +everywhere: above me, around me, and within me." Then truly, my love +will surround her as with an enchanted circle, enter her heart in the +guise of thoughtfulness towards the mother,--in the guise of little +services she cannot refuse without exciting her mother's suspicions; +all this will gradually sink into her heart, in the guise of gratitude +and pity for my sufferings, will thrust itself upon her with all the +force of old memories. + +She hears my praises sung by everybody: by my aunt, who loves me +blindly as she always did; by young Chwastowski, who, to show the +impartiality people of his opinions are capable of, maintains I am an +exception in the "rotten sphere." I have even won over Pani Celina +by my attentions; she likes me now, and involuntarily, I dare say, +regrets that I am not Aniela's husband. All around Aniela there is one +great suggestion of love. + +And you, dearest, are you going to resist all these powers? When will +you come and tell me: "I cannot hold out any longer; take me,--I love +you"? + + +Warsaw, 31 May. + +Pani L., the patroness of a charitable institution, asked Clara to +give another concert for the benefit of the destitute. Clara refused +on the plea that she is busy upon a great musical work that engages +all her attention. The letter,--a very pattern of polite refusal,--was +accompanied by exactly the same sum of money the first concert had +brought in. It is easy to imagine what a sensation this act of +generosity made in Warsaw. The papers were full of it, raising the +musician and her generosity to the sky. Naturally, her private means, +which are considerable, gained in dimensions. I do not know how +society came to couple our names; perhaps, our acquaintance, dating +from a long time, our intimacy, and the exaggerated news of her wealth +gave rise to the rumor. I was at first a little angry on hearing this; +but upon maturer reflection, resolved not to give any direct denial, +because this puts my attentions towards Aniela beyond all suspicion. + +When I went to Clara's morning reception, Pani Korytzka came up to me, +and, with that witty, aggressive air of hers, asked me in presence of +some dozen people from the musical world and Warsaw society, in an +audible voice,-- + +"Tell me, cousin, who was that mythological person that could not +resist the Siren?" + +"Nobody resisted, _ma cousine_, except Ulysses; and he only because he +was tied to the mast." + +"And why have you not taken these precautions?" + +I saw some covert smiles lurking in the faces of those who witnessed +the attack, and I retorted,-- + +"Sometimes even that is of no use. You know that love sunders the +strongest ties." + +In spite of all her self-possession, Pani Korytzka grew confused, +and I gained one of those tiny victories which are comprised in the +proverb, "The scythe hit upon a stone," or in plain English, "The +biter bit." + +Whether people repeat to each other that I am going to marry Clara or +not, does not trouble me in the least; in fact, for the above stated +reason I do not mind it at all; but I did not expect that this visit +would turn out so unpleasant, and Clara herself be the cause of it. +When all the people had left, and only Sniatynski and I remained, she +sat down to the piano, and played her new concerto,--played it so +magnificently that we could not find words to express our admiration; +repeating at our request the finale, she said, suddenly,-- + +"This is my farewell, because everything comes to a finale." + +"Surely you are not thinking of leaving us?" asked Sniatynski. + +"Yes, in ten days at the furthest I must be at Frankfurt," replied +Clara. + +Thereupon Sniatynski turned to me,-- + +"And what do you say to that,--you who at Ploszow gave us to +understand, made us hope, Miss Hilst would remain with us always?" + +"Yes; and I say the same now: her memory will always remain with us." + +"Yes; I understood it so," replied Clara, with naïve resignation. + +Inwardly I was furious,--with myself, Sniatynski, and Clara. I am +neither so vain, foolish, nor mean that every conquest of that kind +should rejoice me; therefore felt annoyed at the thought that Clara +might love me, and nourish some baseless hopes. I knew she had some +kind of undefined feeling, which, given time and occasion, might +develop into something more lasting; but I had no idea this vague +feeling dared to wish or expect something. It suddenly struck me that +the announcement of her departure was prompted by a desire to find out +how I would receive the news. I received it very coolly. A love like +mine for Aniela ought to teach compassion; yet Clara's sadness and the +mention of her departure, not only did not move me, but seemed to me +an audacious flight of fancy and an insult to me. + +Why? Not from any aristocratic notions; that is certain. I could +not account at once for the strange phenomenon; but now explain it +thus,--the feeling of belonging to Aniela is so strong and exclusive +that it seems to me that any other woman wanting but one pulsation of +my heart endeavors to steal something that is Aniela's property. This +explanation is sufficient for me. No doubt, by and by I shall bid +Clara good-by, and feel as friendly as ever towards her; but the +sudden announcement of her departure gave me a distaste for her. It is +only Aniela who may with impunity trample on my nerves. Never did I +look at Clara so critically and resentfully; for the first time +I became fully aware of the amplitude of her figure, the bright +complexion, the dark hair, and blue, somewhat protruding eyes, the +lips like ripe cherries,--in brief, her whole beauty reminded me of +the cheap chromo-lithographs of harem beauties in second-class hotels. +I left her in the worst of humors, and went straight to a book-shop to +select some books for Aniela. + +For a week I had been thinking what to choose for her reading. I did +not wish to neglect anything, though I did not attach undue weight +to this, as it acts very slowly. Besides, I have noticed that to +our women, though their imagination is more developed than their +temperament, a book is always something unreal. If it falls even into +the hands of an exceptionally susceptible person, it creates in her +at the most an abstract world, that has no connection with real life +whatever. To almost none of them it occurs that ideas taken from books +can be applied to any practical purpose. I am convinced that if a +great writer tried to prove, for instance, that purity of thought and +mind were not only superfluous in a woman, but even blameworthy from +a moral point of view,--Aniela would opine that the principle might +apply to the whole world with the exception of herself. The utmost I +can hope for is that the reading of appropriate books will render her +familiar with a certain kind of broad views and thoughts. That is all +I wish for. Loving her from my whole soul, I want her to respond to +that love, and do not neglect any means towards that end. I, who never +deceive myself, confess openly that I want Aniela to sacrifice for me +her husband, but I do not want to corrupt her or to soil her purity. +Let nobody tell me that this is a sophism, and that the one includes +the other. The tormenting devil that is always within me raising +difficulties says: "You create new theories; the way of faithlessness +_is_ the way of corruption." How these conflicting thoughts tear me +to pieces! I reply to the familiar spirit: "I might doubt opposite +theories quite as much; I contrive what I can in defence of my +love,--it is my natural law." And there is a greater law still, the +law of love. Some feelings are mean and commonplace, others lofty and +full of nobility. A woman that follows the call of lofty feeling does +not lose the nobility of her soul. Such a great, exceptional love I +try to awake in Aniela, and therefore I may say conscientiously that I +do not want to corrupt her. + +Besides, these inward arguments do not lead to anything. Even if I had +not the slightest doubt that I am doing wrong, if I were unable to +give any conclusive answer to the tormenting spirit, I would not cease +loving; and always following where a greater power leads me, I should +go according to my feeling, and not according to abstract reasoning. + +But the true misfortune of those analytic and hyper-analytic modern +people is that, though not believing in the result of their analysis, +they have the invincible habit of inquiring into everything that goes +on within themselves. It is the same with me. For some time I have +been questioning myself how it is possible that a man absorbed by a +great feeling should be able to be so watchful, so calculating about +ways and means, and to account for everything as if somebody else did +it for him. I could reply to it in this way: The man of the period +reserves above everything part of himself to observe the other +part. Besides, the whole activity of a mind full of forethought, of +reflections apparently cool, stands eventually in proportion to the +temperature of the feeling. The hotter this grows, the more cool +reason is forced into service. I repeat, it is a mistake to represent +love with bandaged eyes. Love does not suppress reason, as it does +not suppress the breathing, or the beating of the heart,--it only +subjugates it. Reason thereupon becomes the first adviser, the +implement of war,--in other words, it plays the part of an Agrippa to +a Caesar Augustus. It is holding all the forces in readiness, leads +them into war, gains victories, and places the monarch on the +triumphal car; it erects finally,--not a Pantheon, like the historical +Agrippa,--but a Monotheon, where it serves its only divinity. In the +microcosm called man, the part reason plays is a still greater one +than that of chief commander,--for it reflects into infinite parts the +consciousness of everything and of self,--as a collection of properly +arranged mirrors reflect a given object infinitely. + + +1 June. + +Yesterday I received news from Gastein. The rooms for Pani Celina and +Aniela are ready. I sent them the particulars, together with a parcel +of books by Balzac and George Sand. To-day is Sunday, and the first +day of the races. My aunt has arrived from Ploszow and taken up her +abode with me. That she went to the races is a matter of course, +she is altogether absorbed in them. But our horses, Naughty Boy and +Aurora, which arrived here two days ago with the trainer Webb and Jack +Goose, the jockey, are on the list for Thursday; therefore my aunt's +attendance at the Sunday races was merely a platonic affair. The +goings on here are past all description. The stables have been +converted into a kind of fortress. My aunt fancies the jockeys of +other racing studkeepers shake in their shoes at the very mention of +Naughty Boy, and are ready to use every means to prevent his running; +consequently in every orange boy or organ grinder that comes into the +yard, she sees an enemy in disguise, bent upon some evil practice. The +Swiss porter and the servants have strict orders to keep an eye upon +everybody that comes in. In the stables, the precautions taken are +still stricter. The trainer Webb, being an Englishman, remains +impassive, but the unfortunate Jack Goose, a native of Burzany, and +whose name is a literal translation from the Polish Kuba Gonsior, +fairly loses his head; my aunt scolds him and the grooms, natives also +of Burzany, whenever she fancies things are going wrong. She was so +much at the stables that I did not see much of her, and only when +departing she told me that Aniela was to come for the races. I suppose +Pani Celina consented to this in order to please my aunt; besides, she +can very well remain alone for one day, with the doctor and the maids +to look after her. Aniela, who is walled up at Ploszow day after day, +really wants a little change. For me this is joyful news indeed. The +very thought that she will be under my roof has a singular charm for +me. Here I began to love her and maybe her heart kept beating a little +faster after that entertainment my aunt gave here in her honor. +Everything here will remind her of the past. + + +2 June. + +It is fortunate I did not have the rooms altered to suit a museum. I +have an idea to give a dinner-party after the races. In this way I +shall be able to keep her here a few hours longer,--and besides, she +will understand that it is all for her. + + +3 June. + +I ordered a cartload of plants and flowers to put along the staircase +and in the rooms. Aniela's room remains exactly as it was when she +occupied it. I suppose the ladies will arrive in the morning and +Aniela will want to change her dress. I had a large mirror put there, +and every requisite for a lady's toilet. Aniela will meet everywhere +proofs of thoughtfulness, memory, and faithful love. Only now, while +writing, it strikes me how much easier I feel when occupied with +something, when outward activity takes me out of the enchanted circle +of reflection and pondering over myself. Even driving nails into +the wall for the pictures of the future museum would be better than +twisting one idea around another. Why cannot I be a simple-minded man? +If I had been that in times gone by I should be now the happiest man +in the world. + + +4 June. + +I went to-day to invite the Sniatynskis and several other people to +dinner. Sniatynski has spread the news of my founding a museum for the +public, and I am at present the hero of the day. All the papers write +about it, improving the occasion as usual by pitching into those that +waste their substance abroad instead of doing good to the country. +I know their style so well, and it amuses me. There are the usual +phrases about a citizen's duties and "noblesse oblige," but it suits +my purpose. I gathered the whole packet to show my aunt and Aniela. + + +5 June. + +The races have been fixed a day sooner because of to-morrow's holiday. +Aniela and my aunt arrived this morning with a maid and sundry boxes +containing their racing toilets. The first glance at Aniela filled me +with terror. She does not look well at all; her face is wan and +has lost its former warm color; it seems smaller too, and there is +something misty about her that reminds me of Puvis de Chawannes' +figures. My aunt and her mother do not notice it, because they see her +every day; but to me, after the absence of a few days, the change is +very remarkable. I am seized with contrition and sincere pity. It is +evident that the inward struggle is telling upon her. If she would +only end it, and follow the dictates of a heart that is mine,--a +hundred times mine and pleads for me,--all her troubles would +cease and happiness begin. I am getting deeper and deeper into the +quicksands. It seemed to me that I knew her so well; every detail and +every feature stands out before my eyes when I do not see her, and yet +when I meet her, after a few days' absence, I discover a new charm, +and find something new I like in her. How she satisfies my every +taste, and I am deeply conscious that she is my type,--my only +affinity. This consciousness gives me a belief, half mystic, half +approaching the natural hypothesis, that she was meant for me. When +hearing the sound of wheels, I ran down to meet her, and again had the +sensation one might call falling under the spell; again the reality +seemed to me more perfect than the picture I carry in my heart. She +was dressed in a dust-cloak of Chinese silk; a long gray veil was +twisted round her hat and tied under her chin, and from amid that +frame the dear face, always more like a girl's than a married woman's, +smiled at me. Her greeting was more cheerful and more frank than +usual; it was evident the morning drive and the prospect of a little +pleasure had brightened her spirits; this filled me with delight. I +thought, "She is glad to see me again, and Ploszow appears to her dull +and empty without me." I offered one arm to my aunt and the other to +Aniela, as the staircase is wide enough for three persons, and led +them upstairs. At the sight of all the plants and flowers she uttered +a little cry of wonder. + +"It is my surprise," I said. + +I pressed her arm slightly, so slightly that it might have passed for +an accidental movement, and then turning to my aunt, said:-- + +"I am giving a dinner in honor of the Ploszowski success." + +My aunt was deeply gratified with my belief in that event. Ah! if she +knew how little I care for Naughty Boy, and all the races the Ploszow +horses might win on all the race-courses of Europe. Aniela evidently +guessed something of this, but she was in such spirits that she only +cast a passing glance at me, and bit her lips to hide a smile. + +I well-nigh lost my head. In the covert smile I saw a shade of +coquetry I had never noticed there before. It is impossible, I +thought, that she should have no vanity whatever, and not feel +flattered in the least, on perceiving that all I am doing is done +through her and for her sake. + +My aunt divested herself of her travelling-wraps, and without delay +went to inspect Naughty Boy and Aurora, and I showed Aniela the list +of the invited guests. + +"I tried to bring together people you like; but if there is anybody +else you would like to have, I will go myself, or send an invitation." + +"Show it to aunty;" replied Aniela, "let her decide." + +"No; aunty will sit at the head of the table, and we shall go to her +with our congratulations or condolences, as the case may be; but the +part of lady of the house I have assigned to you." + +Aniela blushed a little, and, trying to change the conversation, +said:-- + +"Leon, I do hope Naughty Boy will win; aunty has set her heart upon +it, and will be so vexed if it should turn out otherwise." + +"I have won already, because I have as guest under my roof a certain +small person who is sitting opposite me." + +"You are making fun; but I am really anxious about it." + +"My aunt," I replied, more seriously, "will have some compensation if +she loses. My collections will be in Warsaw in a few weeks, and this +has been the dearest wish of her life. She always tried to make my +father give them to the town. All the papers are full of it, and +praise me to an extent you have no idea of." + +The dear face lit up with pleasure. + +"Show me; read it to me," she said eagerly. + +I had a desire to kiss her hands for that glimpse of brightness. It +was a new proof. If I were indifferent to her, would she rejoice so +much when I am praised? + +"Not now," I replied. "I will read it when my aunt comes back, or +rather she must read it, and I will hide my blushes behind you; you, +at least, shall not see how foolish I look." + +"Why should you look foolish?" + +"Because the thing is not worth all the fuss, and if there be any +merit in it, it is yours, not mine. They ought to praise you. I would +give a good deal if I could tell those journalists: 'If you think well +of it, go _en masse_ and kneel at certain little feet and pour out +your gratitude there!'" + +"Leon! Leon!" interrupted Aniela. + +"Now do not say a word, lest I should feel tempted to divulge the +great secret." + +Aniela did not know what to say. The words were those of a man in +love; but the tone was so playful and jesting that she could not +possibly receive them in a tragic spirit. + +I was glad I had discovered a way by which I could convey a deeper +meaning without absolutely frightening her. But I did not take too +much advantage of it, and presently, in a more serious tone, began +telling her about the projected changes in the house. + +"The whole story is to be given up to the collections, with the +exception of the room in which you lived last winter. This remains as +it was. I have only permitted myself to adorn it a little for your +reception." + +Saying this I led her to the door. Standing on the threshold she +exclaimed with astonishment:-- + +"Oh, what lovely flowers!" + +I said in a low voice:-- + +"And you the most lovely among them!" + +Then added, earnestly:-- + +"You believe me, Aniela, if I tell you that it is in this room I wish +to die some day!" + +Oh, how much sincerity there was in these words. Aniela's face grew +misty; all the radiance had gone. I saw that my words had touched a +chord, as all words do that come from the depth of the soul. For +a moment her whole body swayed as if some inward power pushed her +towards me. But she resisted still. She stood before me, her eyes +veiled by the long lashes, and said, with mournful dignity:-- + +"Let me be at ease with you, Leon; do not sadden me." + +"Very well, Aniela; I will not say anything more; here is my hand upon +it." + +I gave her my hand, and she pressed it warmly, as if by that pressure +she wanted to say all she forbade her lips to utter. It indemnified me +for all I had suffered, and almost made me stagger on my feet. For +the first time I felt distinctly that I was taking for my own this +being,--body and soul. It was a sensation of such immeasurable +happiness as to cause me almost pain. New, unknown worlds began +to open for me. From this moment I grew quite convinced that her +resistance was only a question of time. + +My aunt returned from the stables in excellent humor; no attempt had +been made upon Naughty Boy's precious health. The trainer, Webb, to +all inquiries, had the same answer,--"All right." Jack Goose was +animated by the boldest spirit. We went to the window to see the +future conquerors come from the stables; for it was time they went to +the Mokotoff Field, there to pace around until their turn arrived. +A few minutes later we saw the grooms leading them into the yard, +encased from top to bottom as in a pillow-slip. Only the soft eyes +were visible through the slit; and from below, the shapely feet that +seemed wrought in steel. They were followed by Webb and our little +home-bred Englishman, Jack Goose, in a new overcoat, which concealed +his silks and jockey-boots. I called out to him through the open +window:-- + +"Mind, and don't get beaten, Kuba!" + +He raised his cap, and pointing with it at Naughty Boy, replied in the +purest, not London, but Bursany, dialect:-- + +"Bedom prosz jasnie hrabiego widzieli, ale ino jegozad." (They will +see him, my lord, but only his hind-quarters.) + +We sat down to a hurried lunch; nevertheless my aunt had time to read +what the papers had to say about the future museum. It is strange how +sensitive women are to public applause for their nearest mankind. My +aunt fairly beamed at me through her spectacles, and was incomparable +when she now and then, interrupting the reading, glanced keenly at +Aniela, and then said in her most dogmatic tone:-- + +"They do not exaggerate the least bit. He was always like that." + +Praise heaven there was not another sceptic mind present, otherwise I +should have looked foolish indeed. + +It was time for the ladies to dress. Before leaving the room my aunt +turned to me and said with the most innocent expression of face:-- + +"We must be quick, for I promised to call for Panna Zawilowski; she +was going with her father, but as he is suffering from an attack of +gout I shall have to chaperon her." + +With this she went to her room. We looked at each other, Aniela and I; +the corners of her mouth twitched with merriment. "Aniela, it is a new +matrimonial scheme, what shall I do?" She put a finger to her lips +in warning that I spoke too loud, and disappeared within her room; +presently the lovely head peeped out through the half-open door. + +"I just remembered you have not asked Miss Hilst," she said. + +"No, I have not asked her." + +"Why?" + +"Because I love her on the sly," I retorted, laughing. + +"Seriously, why did you not invite her?" + +"If you wish I will invite her now." + +"It is as you wish," she replied, and disappeared again. + +But I preferred not to invite Miss Hilst. + +An hour later we were driving in the Belvederski Avenue. Aniela wore a +cream-colored dress trimmed with lace. I have such a knack of saying +with my eyes what my lips must not utter, that Aniela read in them +my rapture. I recognized it in her face, that looked half-pleased, +half-vexed. We stopped on the way before the Zawilowski villa, and +before I had time to ring, the door opened, and Panna Zawilowska +herself came out. She stood before me a vision in silver gray, rather +a cold vision, as she barely nodded to me before going to my aunt. +She is rather plain than pretty,--a blond with steely blue eyes and +studied manners. She is considered a very pattern of distinction, and +with good reason; that is, if distinction means the same as stiffness. +Her treatment of me is as cold as her eyes, too cold even to be quite +natural. If this is a method adopted on purpose to chafe my vanity, it +is very foolish, for it only bores me, and does not provoke me in the +least. I am rather glad of it, as it permits me to pay her only such +attentions as simple politeness exacts. + +To-day I paid her a little more attention; she served me in fact as +a screen to avert any suspicion from Aniela. Presently we drove on +again, but very slowly, as in front and in rear as far as the eye +could reach, all sorts of vehicles were moving in the same direction. +Before us and behind, there was a perfect stream of sunshades; the +various colors of which shone in the sun and created a warmly tinted +shadow from beneath which peeped forth, women's heads with delicate +and refined features. There was the average number of pretty faces, +but they expressed a want of temperament. I did not even see it in the +financial world, which, besides many other things, puts on temperament +rather than possesses it in reality. Among the carriages not a few +displayed considerable taste, and the bright toilets changing and +gleaming in the sun on a background of green trees, the crowds of +fine people and fine horses gave the whole show a highly civilized +appearance, not lacking either in picturesqueness. I was glad to see +Aniela pleased with the motion and turmoil. Replying to my casual +remarks she looked at me with gratitude as if it were I that had +arranged it all for her pleasure. Sitting opposite, I could look at +her without constraint, but I turned oftener towards Panna Zawilowska, +from whom blew a cold air, as from a decanter of iced water, which +began to amuse me; her words and manner seemed to imply that she +agreed to my society, because politeness did not permit her to do +otherwise. I treated her with a certain good-humored courtesy that +seemed to irritate her not a little. + +We arrived at last on the Mokotoffskie Pola. There was a reserved +place near the grand stand for my aunt's carriage, and presently +various acquaintances with tickets stuck on their hats came up and +congratulated her upon the promising appearance of Naughty Boy. One of +the greatest horsebreeders said to her that the horse was a splendid +animal, though not sufficiently trained; but as the turf was soft from +yesterday's rain, a strong animal like Naughty Boy stood a fair chance +of coming in a winner. + +It seemed to me that he spoke a little ironically, which made me feel +uneasy. Naughty Boy's defeat would spoil the day for my aunt, and +indirectly for me, too, as her bad humor would damp our pleasure. In +the mean while I looked around me at the field, and searched for known +faces. The race course was thronged with people. The grand stand +looked like a dark, compact mass, relieved by bright female toilets. +The course was surrounded by rows after rows of spectators; even the +town walls were alive with them. On either side of the grand stand +stood a long line of carriages; each separately looked like a +flower-basket. Not very far from where I stood I became suddenly aware +of a pink face and aggressive little nose that could not belong to +anybody but Pani Sniatynska. I went up to her and she told me her +husband had just left her to look for Miss Hilst; and then, almost in +one breath, asked me how my aunt was, whether Aniela was at the races, +how the ladies would manage their journey to Gastein since Pani Celina +could not walk, whether I thought Naughty Boy would win the race, and +what we would do if he lost, and how many people had I invited to +dinner. While standing near her carriage I noticed what a sweet +expression her face has, and the pretty foot that peeped forth from +the carriage; but as to answering all the questions, I should have to +borrow Gargantua's mouth, as Shakspeare says. Replying to one or two +of the questions and saying I hoped to see her after the races, I +followed Sniatynski's track in search of Clara. I found her carriage +not far from my aunt's. Clara looked like a hill covered with +heliotrope blossoms. I found her surrounded by a host of admirers and +artists, conversing gayly with them. Her face clouded when she saw me, +and my reception was of the coolest. A friendly word from me would +have changed all that, but I remained cold; after a quarter of an +hour's polite and ceremonious conversation, I went farther, exchanging +here and there a few words with people I knew, and then turned toward +our own carriage. The first two races had taken place, and Naughty +Boy's turn came at last. + +I looked at my aunt; the expression of her face was very solemn; she +evidently tried her best to keep cool. On the contrary, Aniela's face +showed evident uneasiness. We had to wait some time before the horses +came out, because the weighing lasted unusually long. Suddenly +Sniatynski came running up, gesticulating with both hands, and showing +some bits of paper. + +"I have put a pot of money on Naughty Boy," he exclaimed; "if he +betrays me, I shall have to throw myself upon your well-known +charity." + +"I trust--" began my aunt, with all her dignity. + +But she did not finish her sentence, as at this moment from amid the +dark mass of people there rose the varicolored caps and silks of the +jockeys. The horses were slowly trotting along. Some of them, finding +themselves in the open, quickened their pace; others followed more +leisurely. At the start they passed us in a group and not very fast, +so as to save their horses' strength, the race being a double one. But +at the second turn they were drawn out in a line. It looked as if the +wind had scattered the petals of some flowers along the road. The +first was a jockey in white, closely followed by another in pale blue +and red, then two together, one in red, the other in red and yellow; +our Kuba in orange and black was last but one, followed by a jockey +in white and blue. This order did not last long. When the horses had +reached the other side of the course, there arose some commotion in +the carriages. The more excited ladies climbed up on the seats so as +not to lose the least part of the race; their example was followed by +my aunt, who evidently could not sit still any longer. + +Aniela offered her place to Panna Zawilowska, who, after some +ceremonious protests, accepted it; and I helped Aniela to the back +seat, and, as she had nothing to hold on by, offered her my hand. I +confess that I did not think of the race so much as of the dear little +hand that rested so trustingly in mine. + +My aunt's back obscured the view a little; but raising myself on +tiptoe, I swept the whole field with my eyes, and saw the jockeys +drawing near the curve of the other side. Seen from this distance, +they looked like bright-colored beetles flying through the air; the +motion appeared slow, and the throwing out of the horses' fore and +hind legs almost mechanical. But in spite of the apparent slowness, +they cleared the ground very swiftly. + +The order of the riders was changed again. The white was still +leading, followed by the red; but our Kuba was third now. The others +remained behind, and the distance between them grew wider every +moment. Naughty Boy was evidently not the worst among them. For a +moment I lost sight of him, and presently saw him again as they passed +us. The red was close upon the white, and Kuba gaining ground. I now +observed for the first time that the white would have no chance, as +the horse's flanks shone with moisture, as if water had been poured +over him. It was clear the race would lie between the red and orange +and black. At the worst, Naughty Boy would be second, and the defeat +not so complete. What inspired me with confidence was the horse's +pace; he threw out his legs so evenly, as if he performed a daily +task. The spectators' excitement became greater every moment. + +"Has Naughty Boy lost?" asked Aniela, in a low, excited voice, seeing +the order in which the horses came past the stand. + +"No, dear; they have still another round," I replied, pressing her +hand slightly. She did not withdraw her hand; it is true that her +whole attention was absorbed in the race. When the horses came to the +other side, Kuba was second, the white was so exhausted that he had to +fall back, and the three following riders came up to him. It was now a +race between the two, and there were only five or six lengths between +them. Suddenly a loud murmur from the stand told us that something +unusual had happened; Kuba was coming up to his adversary. The murmurs +on the stand grew into a tumult. Aniela was so carried away by +excitement that she squeezed my hand nervously, and asked every +moment, "What are they doing now?" The riders were on the left side of +the field. The red, by the help of his whip, had gained a little; +but presently Naughty Boy almost touched him with his nose. In this +furious pace they came both on a line with the stand, where we lost +sight of them again. The struggle would be over now in a few seconds. +On the stand there was a momentary silence, which suddenly changed +into loud, prolonged cheering. Many people were running along the +lines which hide the road, and at this moment we saw the red nostrils; +the horse's head, stretched out like a cord, orange and black, was +carried along as if by a hurricane. The bell rang on the grand +stand,--the victory was ours. + +The red had lost by a dozen lengths. + +I must say for my aunt that she never lost her self-possession. Nobody +but me noticed the few drops of perspiration which stood on her +forehead; she fanned with her pocket-handkerchief. Aniela was excited, +amused, and happy. We both congratulated our aunt; even Panna +Zawilowska said a few French sentences, stiff and proper, as if taken +from a copy-book. Presently a crowd of acquaintances thronged around +our carriage, and my aunt's triumph was complete. + +I was also intoxicated, but by something quite different; namely, +the pressure of Aniela's hand. In vain I said to myself that it was +nothing but the excitement of the moment; because it occurred to me +that a woman's resistance often passes a crisis in such moments of +exaltation, when carried beside herself by some amusement, beautiful +view, or other circumstance different from the even tenor of every-day +life. Then a certain relaxation of the nerves takes place, in presence +of which a loss of the usual balance is easily explained. Taking +into account this special state of Aniela's mind, I arrived at the +conclusion that she did not fight against her feeling any longer; and +I resolved to put an end to it. + +I suppose at Ploszow there will be no difficulty about a chance. We go +back to-morrow. To-day's entertainment, the dinner, the conversation, +and the excitement are so many drops of narcotic. She does not +even suppose what happiness there is in store for us; but she must +surrender her soul to me, wholly and unconditionally. + +Though my aunt had notified Pani Celina that we might remain at Warsaw +until the next day, we really intended going back after dinner,--when +something occurred that prevented our starting. Dinner and tea +afterwards lasted until ten o'clock. When the last of our guests had +departed somebody came to tell my aunt that Naughty Boy had been taken +ill. There was a great confusion. The vet was sent for in a hurry, but +it was midnight before he arrived. My aunt would not think of going so +late as that. + +Aniela wanted to go very much, but knew I would have to go with her; +and she is still afraid of me. My aunt told her she would only rouse +the whole house, disturbing thereby her mother, and wound up by +saying:-- + +"Leon does not mind my looking at his house as my own; consequently +you are my guest. It would be the same if I gave up Ploszow to him; I +should live there, and you with me,--at least, so long as Celina has +not recovered her health." + +And finally Aniela had to remain. + +It is now three o'clock in the morning. It is already growing light; +but lanterns are still flitting across the yard near the stables, +where they are busy with Naughty Boy. + +My aunt, when wishing us good-night, announced that she intended to +remain a day longer at Warsaw; whereupon I said that I had left some +papers at Ploszow, and would go and fetch them, and see Aniela home at +the same time. We shall be alone, and I will hesitate no longer. The +blood rushes to my heart at the thought that I shall travel, though +only a short distance, with the dear love close to my heart, and +listen to her confession that she loves me as much as I love her. + +The sky is clouded, and it has begun to rain. A few hours only divide +me from the moment when a new life is to begin for me. Of course I do +not sleep; I could not sleep now for anything in the world. There is +no heaviness on my eyelids,--I write, and recall memories. I still +seem to feel the pressure of her hand on mine. I made that soul, +educated, developed it, and prepared it for love. I am like the head +of an army, who has foreseen all chances, arranged and calculated +everything, and does not sleep on the eve of the day that will decide +his fate. But Aniela sleeps peacefully on the other side of the house; +and even her dreams plead for me, for my love. When I think of this, +all my nerves are vibrating. + +In that ocean of trouble, evil, foolishness, uncertainties, and doubts +we call life, there is one thing worth living for, as certain and as +strong as--nay, stronger than--death; and that is love. Beyond it +there is nothingness. + + +6 June. + +I went with Aniela, and am even now asking myself, "Have I gone mad?" +I did not hold her close to my heart, did not hear an avowal of love. +I was spurned without a moment's hesitation; all her modesty risen +in arms, she reduced me to a mere nothing. What is it? Am I a fool +without brains, or has she no heart? What am I fighting against? What +are the obstacles in my way? Why does she spurn me? My head is in such +a chaotic state that I can neither think, write, nor reason. I only +repeat to myself, over and over again, "What is it that bars my way?" + + +7 June. + +I have made an enormous mistake somewhere; there is something in +Aniela I have not observed or taken into account. For two days I have +tried to understand what has happened to me, but my head was in such a +whirl that I could not think. Now I am collecting my thoughts, pulling +myself together to look the situation in the face. It would be clear +enough if Aniela were guarded by a strong love for her husband. I +could understand then the offended modesty and indignation with which +a being, so meek and sweet-tempered usually, spurned me from her feet. +But I cannot even suppose such a thing. I have still enough brains +left to know that it is a mistake to see things too black, as it is +a mistake to see them too rose-colored. Where should her love for +Kromitzki have come from? She married him without love. In the short +time they lived together, he deceived her and sold the land so dear +to both of those women, and injured her mother's health. They have no +child; besides, a child does not teach a woman to love her husband; it +only teaches her to take him into account; it makes her safer,--that +is to say, it strengthens the union of hands, not of hearts. Aniela +besides does not belong to that kind of women to whom love comes +suddenly, as a revelation after marriage; women like that pine more +after their husbands, or more readily take a lover. I speak of all +this in such a matter of fact way that it hurts me; but why should +I spare myself? Finally, I am convinced she has no feeling even +approaching to love for Kromitzki,--what is more, does not even +respect him; she does not permit herself to despise him, that is all. +I consider that as proved, otherwise I should be blind. + +Then if her heart at the moment of my return was a _tabula rasa_ I +must have contrived to write something on it, I who managed this in +other conditions, and was more bent on it than I ever was on anything +in my life, who worked upon her feelings of friendship, touched the +chords of pity and memories of the past, not neglecting anything, +considering every trifle, and moreover am possessed of the power a +strong, earnest feeling gives. I take myself by the shoulders: "Man, +whatever you may be, you are not a provincial lion, that considers +himself irresistible to any woman chance throws in his way; have you +not deluded yourself into the belief that she loves you?" + +What speaks in favor of its being a delusion? + +At the first glance, her resistance. + +But I never supposed for a moment that she would not resist. I fancy +to myself any other married woman, desperately in love with another +man; can one suppose she would not resist and struggle against it and +the loved one, until her strength gave way? Resistance is not the +outcome of love, but since those two forces can exist side by side +like two birds in a nest, one does not exclude the other. + +I write this diary not only because it has become my second nature, my +passion, not only because it gives an outlet for my pent-up feelings, +but still more because it gives me a clear view and keeps account of +all that is passing. I read over again the pages where I have written +down my and Aniela's history from the time of my arrival at Ploszow. +I have taken note of well-nigh every glance, every smile and tear, +caught every tremor of her heart; and no! I do not deceive myself, the +analysis is not wrong! Hers were the tears, the words, the glances and +smiles of a woman--maybe unhappy--but not indifferent. I must have +influenced her, made an impression upon her. I am not blind; it tears +my heart day after day to see how her face is getting smaller, the +hands more transparent--and it makes my hair stand on end to think she +is paying out her life in this struggle. But all these are invincible +proofs. Her heart, her thoughts belong to me. For that very reason she +is unhappy--perhaps even more unhappy than I. + +I read over what I wrote a moment ago,--that I did not even suppose +she would not resist. I thought so soon after my return to Ploszow, +but lately and when she was at Warsaw I fancied that I saw signs of +yielding. I was wrong. She did not give way in the least, showed no +sign of pity; my words to which she would not even listen seemed +blasphemy to her. I saw in her eyes sparks of anger and resentment; +she tore away her hands I covered with kisses, and the words: "You +insult me!" were continually on her lips. Her energy daunted me the +more as I had least expected such an explosion of wrath. Ah me! She +threatened to leave the carriage and go on foot in the pelting rain +to Ploszow. The word "divorce" acted upon her as a red-hot iron. I +obtained nothing, nothing, nothing with all my eloquence and audacity; +neither my entreaties nor my love moved her; she took everything as an +insult to her womanhood, spurned my love and trampled on it. To-day +when I see her so meek and sweet-tempered it seems like a horrid +dream, and I can scarcely believe that it is the same woman. I cannot +hide it from myself; I have met with a defeat so complete and decisive +that if I had the strength, or anything else to live for I ought to go +away at once. + +Supposing she does love me, what good can it be to me if that feeling +is to remain for ever imprisoned within her own heart, and never show +itself--either in word or deed? I might as well be loved by Greek +Helen, Cleopatra, Beatrice, or Mary Stuart. Such must be the feeling +which does not desire anything, exact anything, and is sufficient +unto itself. Maybe her heart belongs to me, but it is a faint heart, +incapable of any action. + +Possibly she poses before herself as a lofty soul, sacrificing her +love upon the altar of duty--and pleases herself in that pose. It is a +satisfaction worth doing something for. Be it so! Sacrifice me; but if +you think you sacrifice much in immolating your feeling, and feed your +duty upon it, you are mistaken. I cannot, I cannot either think or +write calmly. + + +8 June. + +A coquette is like a usurer, giving very little and exacting upon it a +high percentage. To-day, as I am growing more composed and can think +again, I must render Aniela justice; she never encouraged me or +exacted anything. What I mistook for a touch of coquetry at Warsaw +was mere joyfulness of a youthful spirit that had shaken itself +momentarily free from all trouble. All that has happened was brought +on by me. I made mistake after mistake, and it is all my fault. + +To know something, and to make it a matter of calculation are two +different things. We account to ourselves for unknown factors which +act upon the soul of a given individual, but in dealing with the same +we generally take ourselves as a point of issue. This happened to me. +I knew, or at least was conscious of the fact, that Aniela and I are +as different from each other as if we were the inhabitants of two +separate planets, but I did not always remember it. Involuntarily I +counted upon her acting in a certain position as I should have acted. + +In spite of the consciousness that we two are the most dissimilar +beings under the sun, as opposite as the poles, I note it down with a +certain surprise, and seem not able to get used to the thought. And +yet it is true. I am a thousand times more like Laura Davis than +Aniela. + +And now I begin to understand why I failed. + +The rock I split against is the want of that which has vanished within +me, thereby freeing my thoughts, but bringing instead of it the mortal +disease that has become my tragedy; it is the catechismal simplicity +of the soul. + +Now I can account for it clearly, perhaps not quite satisfactorily, +for I am of so complex a disposition as to have lost the very instinct +of simplicity. "I hear thy voice, but I see thee not." My spiritual +sight suffers from Daltonian disease and cannot distinguish colors. + +I cannot even understand how any one can accept a principle, however +hallowed by ages, without looking at it from both sides, pulling it to +pieces, into shreds and atoms, until it crumbles into dust and cannot +be put together any more. + +Aniela cannot understand that a principle once considered good, +hallowed by religion, as well as by public opinion, could be +considered otherwise than as a sacred duty. + +It does not matter to me whether she is conscious of it, or it is +instinctive impulse reasoned out by her intelligence, or merely +acquired; it is enough that it has entered her very nature. + +I had a glimpse of it the other day when I spoke about Pani Korytzka's +divorce suit: "You can prove everything, and yet when one does wrong +conscience tells us: 'It is wrong, it is wrong!'" I did not then +attach the importance to these words that belonged to them. In Aniela +there is no wavering, no doubt whatever. Her soul winnows the chaff +from the grain with such precision that there can be no question about +its purity. She does not try to find her own norma, but takes it +ready-made from religion, general moral principles, and clings to +them so strongly that they become her very own, for they permeate her +system. The simpler the differential quality of good and evil, the +more absolute and merciless it grows. In this ethical code there are +no extenuating circumstances. As according to it the wife belongs to +her husband, she who gives herself to another does wrong. There are no +discussions, no considerations, or reflections,--there is the right +hand for the righteous, the left for the sinners, God's mercy above +all,--but nothing between, no intermediate place. + +It is the code of the honest villager, so simple that people like me +do not understand it. It seems to us that human life and human souls +are too complex to find room in it. Unfortunately we have not found +anything to replace it, and consequently we flutter here and there +like stray birds, in loneliness and alarm. + +The greater part of our women still hold fast to that code. Even those +who occasionally stray from it do not permit themselves a momentary +doubt as to its truth and sacredness. Where it begins, reasoning +leaves off. + +The poets erroneously represent woman as an enigma, a living Sphinx. +Man is a hundred times more of an enigma and a Sphinx. A healthy woman +that is not hysterical may be either good or bad, strong or weak, but +she has more spiritual simplicity than man. Forever and all times the +Ten Commandments are enough for her, whether she live according to +their tenets, or through human frailty set them aside. + +The female soul is so dogmatic that I have known a woman whose very +atheism took the form of religion. + +It is strange that this code of the honest villager does not exclude +in women either keen intelligence, a subtle mind, or loftiness of +ideas. Their soul seems to have something of the humming-bird which +flits in and out the thickest shrubs, without getting entangled in +their branches, or touching a single leaf. + +This may be said especially in regard to Aniela. The greatest +subtility of feeling and thought goes hand in hand with the utmost +simplicity of moral ideas. Her Ten Commandments are the same as the +village girls', with the exception that those of the latter are +wrought on coarse linen, and hers on a web as fine as lace. Why do +I discuss this question? Simply because it is a question of my +happiness, almost my life; for I feel that with all my complex and +intricate philosophy of love, I cannot get over the Ten Commandments. +And how can I conquer them, since I do not even believe in that +philosophy, while Aniela's faith in her principles is calm and +unshaken? + +Only the lips that have been drinking at the fountain of doubt opine +that a forbidden kiss is not a sin. A religious woman may be carried +away, as a tree is swept away by a hurricane, by forbidden love, but +she will never acknowledge it. + +Shall I ever be able to carry off Aniela? It is possible that my +present state of despondency and discouragement is only a passing one, +and to-morrow I shall feel more hopeful,--to-day all seems impossible. + +I wrote once in this same diary that in certain families they +inoculate their children with modesty as they inoculate for small-pox. +The rule which says the wife shall belong to the husband, and in which +Aniela believes so firmly, is strengthened by that modesty, so knitted +into her being, so worked into the system, that I could sooner fancy +Aniela cold and lifeless than baring her bosom in my presence. + +And I can still delude myself with the idea that I may expect anything +from her! It is simple idiocy! + +What am I to do then? Go away? + +No; I shall not go away. I will not, and cannot. + +I will remain, and since my love is idiotic, I will do as idiots do. +Enough of systems, calculations, forethought! Let things take their +own way. My former ways did not lead to anything. + + +9 June. + +She is not a bit happier than I am. What I saw to-day confirmed my +suspicion that she is fighting a heavy battle, with nothing to help +her except the truth of her own faith and convictions. + +After the departure of Pan Zawilowski and his daughter, who had paid +us a visit, my aunt, evidently with a certain purpose, began to +enlarge upon the good qualities of Panna Zawilowska. I burst out into +a sudden rage; I was tired, my nerves over-wrought by sleeplessness +and irritated beyond measure. I exclaimed: "Have your way then! If it +be a question of marriage only, and not of happiness, I will propose +to-morrow to Panna Zawilowska. She or somebody else; what does it +matter?" + +Anybody might have seen it was merely irritation, not conviction, that +dictated words I should never have acted upon. But Aniela had grown +very white. She rose and without apparent reason began to unfasten the +cords of the blind with trembling hands. Fortunately my aunt was so +taken aback by the suddenness of my outburst that she did not notice +her. She said something, I did not hear what, as all my attention was +concentrated upon Aniela. It is true that by reasoning I had come to +the conclusion that something must be going on in her heart, but to +reason out a thing and to see it, are two different things. As long as +I live I shall never forget that white face and those trembling hands. +I had now a tangible proof, which, however I might explain it by the +suddenness of my announcement, is still proof enough. Sudden news +either of the death or marriage of anybody that is indifferent to us +does not pale our cheeks. + +I thought a few days ago: "Of what use is it to me that she loves me, +if that love is to remain forever hidden in her breast?" and yet when +I came to read, as I did now, the confirmation of it, my hope rose +at once and all doubts vanished. Again a vision of possible victory +flashed before my eyes,--alas! to be dissolved almost at once into +nothing. My aunt, saying something, went out of the room, maybe to +wipe away a furtive tear at my hardness, and I went up to Aniela. + +"Aniela dear! I would not marry that girl for anything in the world, +but you ought to enter a little in my position. I have troubles enough +to bear, and even here they will not leave me in peace. You know best +that I could never dream of such a step." + +"On the contrary, I should be glad if that happened," she said, with +evident effort. + +"It is not true! I have seen you changing color,--I have seen it." + +"Permit me to go away." + +"Aniela mine! you love me! do not lie to me and to yourself; you love +me!" + +She grew white to her lips. + +"No," she replied quickly; "but I am afraid I might learn to hate +you." + +And with that she left the room. I know that to a woman who fights +with herself, a bitter and forbidden love often seems akin to hatred; +and yet Aniela's words staggered me and extinguished the newborn hope, +as one blows out a candle. There are many quite natural things in this +world which we are strong enough to bear but for our nerves. I am +struck by a truth not recognized by me formerly, not recognized +generally,--that love for another man's wife, if only a pastime is +the greatest vileness, and if real, the greatest misfortune that +can happen to any man; the more worthy the woman the greater the +misfortune. I have a burning curiosity within me, very bitter at the +same time, as to what Aniela would do if I said to her: "Either put +your arms round my neck and own that you love me, or I will blow out +my brains here before your eyes!" I know it would be the meanest thing +in the world, and I should never force her hand in that way; no! +whatever I may be, I am not bad enough for that! But I cannot help +thinking, "What would she do?" I am almost certain she would not +survive the shock and the scorn of herself, but she would not yield. +When I think of this I curse her and worship her at the same time; I +hate her and love her more than ever. The worst is I do not see how I +shall ever get out of this enchanted circle. Added to the passion +of the senses this woman wakes in me, I have for her a dog-like +affection. I envelop her with my eyes and thoughts, can never satiate +myself with the sight of her, and at the same time she is the most +desirable of women, and the very crown of my head. No other woman ever +attached me to her so absolutely and in that twofold manner. + +At times this influence of hers over me seems well-nigh incredible; +then again I explain it, and as usual take the worst view of it. I +have lived too quickly, passed already the zenith, and am going down +hill, where it is dark and cold. I feel that in her I could recover my +lost youth, vitality, and the desire for life. If she be lost to me, +then truly nothing remains but to vegetate, and gloominess unutterable +as the foretaste of decay. Therefore I love Aniela with the instinct +of self-preservation,--not with my senses only, not with my soul, but +also from the fear of annihilation. + +Aniela does not know all this; but I suppose she pities me, just as I +torture her, who would give my life to make her happy. And therefore +I say again that the love for another man's wife is the greatest +misfortune, since it leads the man to make her unhappy whose happiness +he would ensure at the cost of his own. The result of this is that we +are both unhappy. But you, Aniela, have at least your dogma to support +you, whereas I am verily like a boat drifting without helm and oar. + +I am not well in health either. I sleep very badly, or rather scarcely +at all. I should like to fall ill and lie unconscious for a month +without memories, without trouble--and rest. It would be a kind of +holiday. Chwastowski examined me yesterday, and said I had the nerves +of a decaying race, but had inherited a fair supply of muscular +strength. I believe he is right; but for that I should have succumbed +ere this to my nerves. Maybe to my very strength I may ascribe this +present concentration of feeling; it had to find an outlet somewhere, +and as it did not find it either in science or other useful work, it +all got absorbed into love for a woman. But owing to my nervous system +it is turbid, stormy, and crooked,--above all, crooked. + +What sensations I pass through every day! Towards evening the dear old +aunt came to me and began to apologize for praising Panna Zawilowska +to me. I kissed both her hands, and in my turn asked her to forgive my +momentary show of temper. She then said,-- + +"I promise never to mention her again. It is true, my dear Leon, I +wish from all my heart to see you married, for you are the last of our +race; but the Lord knows what is best. But believe me, dearest boy, it +is not family pride, but your happiness I am thinking of." + +I soothed her agitation as well as I could, and then said:-- + +"You must not mind me, dearest aunt; I am like a woman,--a nervous +woman!" + +"You a woman?" she said, indignantly. "Everybody is liable to make +mistakes. I only wish everybody had as much intelligence and character +as you; the world would then be quite a different place!" + +Ah, me! how can I dispel these illusions? Sometimes I grow quite +desperate as I say to myself: "What business have I in this house, +among these women who have taken a monopoly for saintliness? For me it +is too late to convert myself to their faith; but how many troubles, +disappointments, misfortunes may I not bring upon them?" + + +10 June. + +To-day I received two letters,--one from my lawyer in Rome, the other +from Sniatynski. The lawyer informs me that the difficulties the +Italian government usually raises at the exportation of art treasures +can be got over, my father's collections being private property and as +such not under government control, and that they could be transported +simply as furniture. + +I shall have to see to the arrangement of the house, which I do +unwillingly, as my heart is not any more in the scheme. What does it +matter to me now, and what is the use of it? If I do not give it up +altogether, it is only because I spread the news about it myself, and +cannot possibly draw back. I have fallen back into that state of mind +which possessed me during my wanderings after Aniela's marriage. Again +I understand nothing, cannot act or look upon anything that has no +direct bearing upon Aniela. The thoughts in which I do not see her +image at the bottom are meaningless to me. It is a proof how far a man +may sink his own self. I read this morning a lecture by Bunge called +"Vitality and Mechanism," and I perused it with exceptional interest. +He demonstrates scientifically that which has been in my mind more +as a dim, shapeless idea than a definite conviction. Here science +confesses scepticism in regard to itself, and, moreover, not only +confirms its own impotence but clearly points to the existence of +another world which is something more than matter and motion, which +cannot be explained either physically or chemically. It does not +concern me in the least whether that world be above matter or subject +to it. It is a mere play of words! I am not a scientist; I am not +bound to be careful in my deductions; therefore I throw myself +headforemost into that open door, and let science prate and say a +hundred times over that all is dark there. I feel it will be lighter +than here. I read with almost feverish eagerness and great relief. +Only fools do not acknowledge how materialism wearies and oppresses +us, what secret fear lurks in the mind lest their science should prove +true, what a dreary waiting for new scientific evolutions, and joy of +the prisoners when they see a small door ajar through which they +may escape into the open air. The worst of it is that the spirit is +already so oppressed that it dares not breathe freely or believe +in its own happiness. But I dared, and had a sensation as if I had +escaped from a stifling cellar. + +Perhaps this is only a momentary relief, for I understand well that +Neo-Vitalism does not form an epoch in science; maybe to-morrow I +shall go back to prison,--I do not know. In the meantime the breath +of air did me good. I said to myself over and over again: "If it be +possible that by way of scepticism one can arrive at the undoubted +certainty of another world, mocking at mechanical explanation, being +absolutely beyond all physico-chemical elucidation, then everything +is possible,--every creed, every dogma, every mysticism! It is +permissible then to think that, as there is infinite Space, there is +also infinite Reason, infinite Good, enfolding the whole universe +as in a vast cloak, under which we may find rest and shelter and +protection. And if so, all is well! I shall know at least why I live +and why I suffer. What an immense relief!" + +I repeat once more that I am not obliged to be timid and wary in my +deductions, and, as I said before, no one is so near mysticism as the +sceptic. I realized it once more in myself when I began spreading my +wings, like the bird which has been caged and delights in its new +freedom. I saw before me endless space covered with new life. I did +not know whether it was on another planet or farther still, beyond the +planetary sphere,--enough that the space was different from ours, the +light brighter and softer, the air cool and full of sweetness; the +difference consisted mainly in the closer union of the individual +spirit with the spirit of the universe; it was so close that it was +difficult to understand where the individual ceased and the universe +began. I felt at the same time it was upon that very dimness of the +boundary that the happiness of this other life rested, as the being +did not live in opposition or exclusion but in harmony with his +surroundings, and thus lived with the whole power of universal life. + +I do not say it was a vision; it was only a crossing of the narrow +boundary beyond which reasoning leaves off and conscious feeling +begins,--a feeling which as yet is only a conclusion of former +premises, but carried so far as to be difficult to grasp, as a golden +thread spun out to its utmost length. Moreover, I did not know how to +incorporate myself with that new life and new space,--how to melt in +it my own self. I had kept to a certain extent my own individuality, +and there was something wanting near me,--something I searched for. +Suddenly I became aware it was Aniela I was searching for. Of course, +only her and always her. What could another life matter to me without +her? I found her at last, and we roamed about together like the shadow +of Paolo with the shadow of Francesca di Rimini. I write this down +because I see in it an almost terrifying proof how far my whole being +has been absorbed by this love. + +What connection is there between Bunge's Neo-Vitalism and Aniela? +Nevertheless, even when thinking of things far removed, it all brings +me back to her. Science, art, nature, life,--all are carried back to +the same denominator. It is the axis around which turns my world. + +This is of great importance to me, for, in presence of all this, is it +possible that I should ever listen to the advice of reason and that +inward monitor that bids me to go away? + +I know it all will end in ruin. But how can I go away; how summon +strength and will and energy when all these have been taken from me? +Tell a man deprived of his legs to go and walk about. On what? And +from myself I add: "Why? whereto? My life is here." + +Sometimes I feel tempted to let Aniela read this diary, but do not +intend to do so. Her pity for me might be increased, but not her love. +If Aniela be ever mine, she will want to look up to me for support, +peace, and immovable faith for both; that is how it ought to be +where happiness is at stake. Here she would find nothing but doubts. +Supposing even she could understand all that has been and is going on +in my mind, there are many things she could not sympathize with. We +are too different from each other. For instance, when I plunge into +mysticism, when I say to myself that everything is possible, even a +future life, I do not shape it according to generally admitted ideas, +and if those general ideas may be called a normal point of view, mine +must needs be an abnormal one. Why? If everything is possible, then +why not a hell, a purgatory, a heaven, or my subplanetary spaces,--and +Dante's vision, which is far greater and more magnificent than mine? +Then why? For a twofold reason. First, because my scepticism, which +poisons itself by its own doubts, as the scorpion poisons itself with +its own venom, is nevertheless strong enough to exclude the most +simple and generally accepted ideas; secondly, I cannot fancy myself +in the Dantean divisions with Aniela,--I do not desire such a life. + +It is only part of myself that writes and thinks, the greater part is +always with Aniela. At this moment I see a streak of light from her +window resting on the barberry bushes. My poor love has sleepless +nights too. I saw her dozing over her needle-work to-day. Seated in +a deep armchair she looked to me so small, and she drew such a long +breath as if from weariness. I had a feeling for her as if she were my +child. + + +11 June. + +They have sent me at last the Madonna by Sassoferrato. I handed it to +Aniela in presence of the elder ladies, as a thing left to her in my +father's will, and so she could not refuse it. Afterwards I hung it up +myself in her little sitting-room, and it looks very pretty there. I +am not fond of Madonnas by Sassoferrato, but this one is so simple and +so serene in its clear shades. I like to think that as often as she +looks at it she will remember that it was I who gave her that relic, +gave it her because I love her. In this way the love she considers +sinful must in her thought be united to holy things. It is a childish +comfort, but he who has no other must be satisfied even with that. + +I had another crumb of comfort to-day. When the picture had been hung +in its place, Aniela came to thank me. As the armchair in which Pani +Celina sits was at the other end of the room, I held for a moment the +hand Aniela was about to withdraw, and asked in a low voice:-- + +"Is it true, Aniela, that you hate me?" + +She only shook her little head, as if in sadness. + +"Oh, no!" she replied quickly. + +This one word expressed so much. It was a way of saying that if the +feeling of the loved woman were always to remain hidden in her breast, +it would be the same as not to be loved at all. No! it is not the +same. Let me have it, if only that. I would not give it up for +anything in the world. If this were taken from me, I should have +nothing to live for any more. + + +12 June. + +I am at Warsaw in consequence of the letter from Sniatynski, received +the day before yesterday, in which he asked me to take part in a +farewell dinner in honor of Clara Hilst. I did not go to the dinner, +which took place yesterday, but said good-by to Clara at the station. +I have just returned thence. The good soul was going away, most likely +disappointed, and with some resentment against me in her heart, but +upon seeing me, forgave me everything, and we parted the best of +friends. I felt too that I should miss her, and that the loneliness +around me would be greater still. On my mystic fields there will be +no farewells. This one was truly sad,--in addition to it the sky was +overcast, and there was a drizzling rain that looked as if it would +last for days. In spite of that a great many people had come to see +the last of the celebrated artist. Her sleeping-car was filled with +bouquets and wreaths like a hearse; she will have to discard them +unless she lets herself be suffocated. Clara, at the moment of +departure, without taking into account what people might think or say, +devoted herself to me as much as the bustle of the place would permit. +I went into her carriage, and we conversed together like two old +friends, not paying any attention to the old and always silent +relative, or to the other people, who at last retired discreetly into +the corridor. I held both Clara's hands, and she looked at me with +those honest blue eyes of hers, and said in a moved voice:-- + +"It is only to you I say it openly, that I never was so sorry to go +away from anywhere as from here. There is no time to say much, with +all these people around us, but believe me, I am sorry to go. At +Frankfurt I meet many people, great artists, scientists; only there is +a difference,--you are like one of the more delicate instruments. As +regards yourself, I will not say anything." + +"You will let me write to you?" + +"I will write too. I wanted to ask you that. I have my music, but it +is not always sufficient now. I think you too will want to hear from +me now and then; though you may have many friends, you have none more +sincere and devoted than I. I am very foolish; anything upsets me, and +it is time to go." + +"We are both wanderers on the earth, you as an artist, I as a +Bohemian; therefore it will not be farewell, but au revoir." + +"Yes, au revoir, and that speedily. You too are an artist. You may not +play or paint, but you are an artist all the same. I saw it the first +moment I met you,--and also that you may seem happy, but are very sad +at heart. Remember there is a German girl who will be always as a +sister to you." + +I raised her hand to my lip, and she, thinking I was going, said +quickly:-- + +"There is still time, they have only rung the second bell!" + +But I really wished to leave. Oh, those wretched nerves of mine! +Clara's companion wore a stiff mackintosh which rustled at her every +motion; and that rustle, or rather swish of the india-rubber, set my +very teeth on edge. Besides, we had only a few minutes left. I stepped +aside to make place for Pani Sniatynska, who came rushing up. + +"Hilst, Frankfurt," Clara called out after me; "at home they will +forward my letters wherever I go!" + +Presently I found myself on the platform under the window of her +carriage, among all those who had come to see her off. Their farewells +and good-bys mingled with the labored breathing of the locomotive and +the shouts of the railway men. The window of the carriage was lowered, +and I saw the friendly, honest face once more. + +"Where are you going to spend the summer?" she asked. + +"I don't know, I will write to you," I replied. + +The panting of the locomotive grew quick, then came the last shrill +whistle, and the train began to move. We gave Clara a loud cheer, she +waved her hands to us, and then disappeared in the distance and the +dusk. + +"You will feel very lonely," said suddenly close to me Pani +Sniatynska's voice. + +"Yes, very," I said, and lifting my hat to her, I went home. And truly +I had the feeling as if somebody had left, who in case of need would +have given me a helping hand. I felt very despondent. Possibly the +gloomy evening, the mist and drizzling rain, in the midst of which the +street lamps looked like miniature rainbow arches, had something to +do with it. The last spark of hope seemed to have died out. There was +darkness not only within me, but it seemed to encompass the whole +world, and weigh upon it as the atmosphere weighs upon us and +permeates all nature. + +I carried home with me a heaviness of feeling and great restlessness +and a fear as if something unknown was threatening me. There woke +up within me a sudden longing for the sun and brighter skies, for +countries where there is no mist, no rain, and no darkness. It seemed +to me that if I went where there was sun and brightness, it would +shield me from some unknown danger. + +Oh, to go away! The entire capacity of my thoughts was filled with +that eager desire. Then suddenly another fear clutched at my heart: if +I went away, Aniela would be exposed to that same impalpable danger +from which I wanted to fly. I knew it was only a delusion of my brain, +and that really my departure would be the best thing for her. Yet +I could not get rid of the sensation that to desert her would be +cowardice and meanness. All my reasoning cannot get over this. +Besides, the going away is only an empty word; I may say it to myself +a hundred times, but if I were to try to change it into fact I should +find it altogether beyond my power. I have put so much of my life in +that one feeling that it would be easier to cut me into pieces than to +part me from it. + +I possess so much control over my thoughts, such a consciousness of +self that it seems to me impossible that I could ever lose my reason. +I cannot even imagine it; but at moments I feel as if my nerves could +not bear the strain any longer. + +I am sorry Clara is gone. I have seen but little of her lately; but +I liked to know that she was not far off; now Aniela will absorb me +altogether, because I give to her that power which rules our likings, +and makes us conscious of friendship. + +When I returned home, I found there young Chwastowski, who had come to +town in order to consult with his brother, the bookseller. They have +some scheme in hand about selling elementary books. They are always +scheming something, always busy, and that fills their life. I have +come to such a pass that I rejoiced to see him as a child that is +afraid of ghosts is glad to see somebody coming into the room. His +spiritual healthiness seems to brace me. He said that Pani Celina +was so much better that within a week she would be able to bear the +journey to Gastein. Oh yes! yes! Anything for a change! I shall push +that plan with all my powers. I will persuade my aunt to go too. She +will do it for my sake, and in that case nobody will be astonished at +my going. There is at least something I desire, and desire very much. +I shall have so many chances of taking care of Aniela, and shall be +nearer to her than at Ploszow. I feel somewhat relieved; but it has +been a terrible day, and nothing oppresses me so much as dark, rainy +weather. I still hear the drops falling from the waterspouts; but +there is a rift in the clouds, and a few stars are visible. + + +12 June. + +Kromitzki arrived to-day. + + +Gastein, 23 June. + +We arrived at Gastein a week ago,--the whole family: Aniela, my aunt, +Pani Celina, Kromitzki, and myself. I interrupted my diary for some +time, not because I had lost the zest for it, nor because I did not +feel the necessity for writing, but simply because I was in a state of +mind which words cannot express. As long as a man tries to resist his +fate, and wages war against the forces that crush him, he has neither +brains nor time for anything else. I was like the prisoner in +Sansson's memoirs, who when they tore his flesh and poured molten lead +into the wounds shouted in nervous ecstasy, "Encore! encore!" until +he fainted. I have fainted too, which means that I am exhausted and +resigned. + +A great hand seems to weigh upon me, as immense as the mountains that +loom up before me. What can I do against it? Nothing but submit and +remain passive while it crushes me. I did not know that one +could find, if not comfort, at least some kind of peace in this +consciousness of impotence and the looking straight at one's misery. + +If only I could keep from struggling against it, and not disturb this +state of quiescence. I could write then about things that happen to me +as if they had happened to somebody else. But I know from experience +that one day does not resemble another, and I am afraid of what the +morrow will bring forth. + + +24 June. + +Towards the end of my sojourn at Warsaw I put down these words: "Love +for another man's wife, if only a pastime, is a great villany, and if +real, is one of the greatest misfortunes that can happen to a man." +Writing this before Kromitzki's arrival, I had not taken into account +all the items which make up the sum of this misfortune. I also thought +it nobler than it really is. Now I begin to see that besides great +suffering, it includes a quantity of small humiliations, the +consciousness of villany, ridicule, the necessity of falsehood, the +doing of mean things, and the need of precautions unworthy of a man. +What a bouquet! Truly the scent of it is enough to overpower any man. + +God knows with what delight I would take such a Kromitzki by the +throat, press him to the wall, and tell him straight in his face, "I +love your wife!" Instead of that I must be careful lest the thought +should enter his mind that she pleases me. What a noble part to play +in her presence! What must she think of me? That too is one of the +flowers in the bouquet. + +As long as I live I shall not forget the day of Kromitzki's arrival. +He had gone straight to my house. Coming home late at night, I found +somebody's luggage in the anteroom. I do not know why it did not occur +to me that it might be Kromitzki's. Suddenly he himself looked out +from the adjacent room, and dropping his eyeglass rushed up with open +arms to salute his new relative. I saw as in a dream that dry skull, +so like a death's-head, the glittering eyes, and the crop of black +hair. Kromitzki's arrival was the most natural thing in the world, and +yet I felt as if I had looked into the face of death. It seemed to +me like a nightmare, and the words, "How do you do, Leon?" the most +fantastic and most improbable words I could have heard anywhere. +Presently such a rage, such a loathing combined with fear, seized me +that it took all my self-control to prevent me from throwing him down +and dashing out his brains. I have sometimes felt such paroxysms of +rage and loathing, but never combined with fear; it was not so much +fear of a living man as horror of the dead. For some time I could not +find a word to say. Fortunately he might suppose I had not recognized +him at first, or was astonished that a man I scarcely knew should +treat me so familiarly. It still irritates me when I think of it. + +I tried to recover myself; he in the mean while readjusted his +eyeglass, and shaking my hand once more, said:-- + +"Well, and how are you? How are Aniela and her mother? Old lady always +ill, I suppose. And our aunt, how is she?" + +I was seized with amazement and anger that this man should mention +those nearest and dearest to me as if they belonged to him. A man of +the world bears most things and hides his emotions, because he is +trained from his earliest years to keep himself under control; +nevertheless I felt that I could not bear it any longer, and in order +to pull myself together and occupy my thoughts with something else, I +called for the servant and told him to get tea ready. + +Kromitzki appeared uneasy that I did not reply at once to his +questions; the eyeglass dropped again, and he said, hurriedly:-- + +"There is nothing wrong, is there? Why don't you speak?" + +"They are all well," I replied. + +It suddenly struck me that my emotion might give the hateful man an +advantage over me, and the thought restored all my self-possession at +once. I led him into the dining-room, asked him to sit down, and then +said:-- + +"How is it going with you? Have you come to make a long stay?" + +"I do not know," he replied. "I was longing for Aniela; and I fancy +she too must have been anxious to have me back again. We have only +been a few months together, and for a newly married couple that is +not much, is it?" and he burst out into one of his wooden laughs. +"Besides," he added, "I have some business here to look after. Always +business, you see." + +Then he began a long-winded harangue about his affairs; of which I +did not hear much, except the often repeated words "combined forces," +observing meanwhile the motion of the eyeglass. It is a strange thing +how in presence of some great calamity small things will thrust +themselves into evidence. I do not know whether this be so with +everybody, but in the present instance the reiterated words "combined +forces" and the shifting of the eyeglass irritated me beyond +endurance. In the earlier moments of the interview I was almost +unconscious, and yet I could count how often that eyeglass dropped and +was put up again. It always used to be thus with me, and it was so +now. + +After tea I conducted Kromitzki to the room he was to occupy for the +night. He did not cease talking, but went on in the same strain while +with the help of the servant he unpacked his portmanteau. Sometimes +he interrupted his flow of words in order to show me some specimens +brought from the East. He undid his travelling straps, unfolded two +small Eastern rugs, and said:-- + +"I bought these at Batoum. Pretty things, are they not? They will do +to put before our bed." + +He got tired at last, and after the servant had gone he sat down in +the armchair, and still continued to talk about his affairs, while I +thought of something else. When we are not able to defend ourselves +from a great misfortune, there is one safety-valve,--we may be able +to grapple with some of its details. I was now mainly busy with +the thought whether Kromitzki would go with us to Gastein or not. +Therefore after some time I remarked:-- + +"I did not know you formerly; but I begin to think that you are the +kind of man to make your fortune. You are not in the least flighty, +and would never sacrifice important affairs for mere sentimentality." + +He pressed my hand warmly. "You have no idea," he said, "how much I +wish you to trust me." + +At the moment I did not attach any special meaning to his words. I +was too much occupied with my own thoughts, and especially with the +reflection that in regard to Kromitzki I had already been guilty of a +lie and a meanness,--a lie, because I did not believe in his business +capacities at all; a meanness, because I flattered the man I should +have liked to kill with a glance. But I was only anxious to induce +him not to go to Gastein; therefore I went deeper and deeper into the +quagmire. + +"I see this journey does not suit you in the least," I said. + +Thereupon, egoist that he is, feeling things only in so far as they +concern himself, he began to grumble at his mother-in-law. + +"Of course it does not suit me," he said; "and between ourselves I do +not see the necessity of it. There is a limit to everything, even to +a daughter's affection for her mother. Once married, a woman ought +to understand that her first duty is toward her husband. Besides, a +mother-in-law who is always there, either in the same room or in the +next, is a nuisance, and prevents a young married couple from drawing +near to each other, and living exclusively for themselves. I do not +say but that love for one's parents is a good thing, if not carried +too far and made an impediment in one's life." + +Once embarked upon that theme he gave expression to very commonplace +and mean sentiments, which irritated me all the more that from his +point of view there was certainly some truth in what he said. + +"There is no help for it," he concluded; "I made a bargain, and must +stick to it." + +"Then you mean to go with them to Gastein?" + +"Yes; I have some personal interest in the journey. I want to enter +into closer relation with my wife's family and gain your confidence. +We will speak of that later on. I am free for a month or six weeks. I +left Lucian Chwastowski in charge of the business, and he is, as the +English say, a 'solid' man. Besides, when one has a wife like Aniela +one wants to stop with her a little while,--you understand, eh?" + +Saying this he laughed, showing his yellow, decayed teeth, and clapped +me on the knee. A cold shiver penetrated to my very brain. I felt +myself growing pale. I rose and turned away from the light to hide my +face, then made a powerful effort to collect myself and asked "When do +you intend going to Ploszow?" + +"To-morrow, to-morrow." + +"Good-night." + +"Good-night," he replied, his eyeglass dropping once more. He put out +both hands, adding: "I am tremendously glad to have the opportunity +to get more acquainted with you. I always liked you, and I am sure we +shall understand each other." + +We understand each other! How intensely stupid the man is! But the +more stupid he is, the more horrible to me is the thought that Aniela +belongs to him, is simply a thing of his! I did not even try to +undress that night. I never had seen so clearly that there may be +situations where words come to an end, the power of reasoning ceases, +even the power of feeling one's calamity,--to which there seems to +be no limit. A truly magnificent life which is given unto us! It is +enough to say that those former occasions when Aniela trampled upon +my feelings, and when I thought I had reached the height of misery, +appear now to me as times of great happiness. If then, if even now, +the Evil One promised me in exchange for my soul that everything +should remain as it was, Aniela forever to reject my love, but +Kromitzki not to come near her,--I would sign the agreement without +hesitation. Because in the man rejected by a woman there grows +involuntarily a conviction that she is like a Gothic tower far out of +his reach, to which he scarcely dares to lift his eyes. Thus I always +thought of Aniela. And then comes a Pan Kromitzki, with two rugs from +Batoum, and drags her from the height, that inexorable priestess, +down to a level with those rugs. What a terrible thing it is, that +imagination can bring it all so clear before us! And how repulsively +mean he is, and how ridiculous withal! + +Where are all my theories, my reasonings, that love is far above +matrimonial bonds,--that I have a right to love Aniela? I still have +my theories, while Kromitzki has Aniela. As the wind is tempered to +the shorn lamb I thought the human being capable of carrying only a +certain weight, and that if more were put upon his back he must needs +break down. In my misery without bounds, and in my equally great +foolishness and degradation, I felt that from the time of Kromitzki's +arrival I was beginning to despise Aniela. Why? I could not justify it +upon any common grounds. "One wife, one husband." This law I know by +heart, like any other fool; but in relation to my own feelings it is a +degradation for Aniela. What does it matter that it does not stand to +reason? I know that I despise her, and it is more than I can bear. +I felt that existence under these conditions would become simply +impossible, and that necessarily there must be some change and the +past be buried. What change? If my scorn could throttle my love, as a +wolf throttles a lamb, it would be well. But I had a foreboding that +something else would take place. If I did not love Aniela I could not +despise her now; therefore my scorn is only another link in the +chain, I understand perfectly that beyond Pani Kromitzka, beyond +Pan Kromitzki and their relation to each other, nothing interests +me,--nothing whatever; neither light nor darkness, war nor peace, nor +any other thing. She, Aniela, or rather both she and her husband, and +my part in their life, are my reason for existence. If for this same +reason I cannot bear my existence any longer, what will happen then? +Suddenly it came upon me, as a surprise, that I had not thought of the +most simple solution of the problem,--death. + +What a tremendous power there is in human hands,--the power of cutting +the thread. Now I am ready. Evil genius of my life, do thy worst; +pile weight upon weight,--but only up to a certain time, as long as I +consent. If I find it too much I throw off the burden! "E poi eterna +silenza," Nirvana, the "fourth dimension" of Zöllner--what do I know? +The thought that it all depended upon me gave me an immense relief. + +I remained thus an hour, stretched out on the couch, thinking how and +when I would do it; and that very abstraction of my thoughts from +Kromitzki seemed to calm me. Such a thing as the taking of one's life +wants some preparation, and this also forced my thoughts into another +groove. I remembered at once that my travelling revolver was of too +small a calibre. I got up to look at it and resolved to buy a new one. +I began to calculate ways and means to make it appear an accident. +All this of course as a mere theory. Nothing was settled into a fixed +purpose. I might call it rather a contemplating the possibility of +suicide than a purpose. On the contrary, I was now certain it would +not come to that soon. Now that I knew the door by which I could +escape I thought I might wait a little to see how far my evils would +extend, and what new tortures fate had in store for me. I was consumed +by a burning and painful curiosity as to what would happen next, how +those two would meet, and how Aniela would face me? I became very +tired, and dressed as I was I fell into a troubled sleep, full +of Kromitzkis, eyeglasses, revolvers, and all sorts of confused +combinations of things and people. + +I woke up late. The servant told me that Pan Kromitzki had gone to +Ploszow. My first impulse was to follow and see them together. But +when seated in the carriage I suddenly felt I could not bear it, that +it would be too great a trial, and might hasten my escape through the +open door into the unknown; and I gave orders to drive somewhere else. + +The greatest pessimist instinctively avoids pain, and fights against +it with all his might. He clutches at every hope and expects relief +through every change. There awoke within me such a desire to make them +go to Gastein as if my very life depended upon it. To make them leave +Ploszow! The thought did not give me rest, and took such possession of +me that I gave my whole mind to its realization. This did not present +great difficulties. The ladies were almost ready to start. Kromitzki +had come unexpectedly, evidently intending to give his wife a +surprise. A few days later he would not have found us at Ploszow. I +went to the railway office and secured places in a sleeping-car for +Vienna; then sent a messenger with a letter to my aunt telling her I +had bought tickets for the following day, as all the carriages were +engaged for the following week, and we should have to go to-morrow. + + +26 June. + +I still linger over the last moments spent at Warsaw. These memories +impressed themselves so strongly on my mind that I cannot pass them +over in silence. The day following Kromitzki's arrival I had a strange +sensation. It seemed to me that I did not love Aniela any longer, and +yet could not live without her. It was the first time I felt this--I +might call it psychical dualism. Formerly my love went through its +regular course. I said to myself, "I love her, therefore I desire +her,"--with the same logic as Descartes employs in the statement, "I +think, therefore I exist." Now the formula is changed into, "I do not +love her, but desire her still;" and both elements exist in me as if +they were engraved on two separate stones. For some time I did not +realize that the "I do not love her" was merely a delusion. I love her +as before, but in such a sorrowing manner, with so much bitterness and +venom, that the love has nothing in common with happiness. + +Sometimes I fancy that even if Aniela were to confess to me her love, +if she were divorced or a widow, I should not be happy any more. I +would buy such an hour at the price of my life, but truly I do not +know whether I should be able to convert it into real happiness. Who +knows whether the nerves that feel happiness be not paralyzed in me? +Such a thing might happen. Really, what is life worth under such +conditions? + +The day before our departure, I went to a gunsmith's shop. It was a +quaint old man who sold me the revolver. If he were not a gunsmith +he might become a professor of psychology. I told him I wanted a +revolver, no matter whose make, Colt's or Smith's, provided it were +good and of a large calibre. The old man picked out the weapon, which +I accepted at once. + +"You will want cartridges, sir?" + +"Yes, I was going to ask you for them." + +"And a case, sir?" he said, looking at me keenly. + +"Of course, a case." + +"That's all right, sir; then I will give you cartridges of the same +number as the revolver." + +It was now my turn to look attentively at him. He understood the +inquiring look, and said:-- + +"I have been in the trade over forty years, sir, and learned something +about my customers. It often happens that people buy revolvers to blow +out their brains. Would you believe it never happens that such a one +buys a case? It is always this way: 'Please give me a revolver.' 'With +the case?' 'No, never mind the case.' It is a strange thing that a man +about to throw away his life should grudge a rouble for the case. But +such is human nature. Everybody says to himself, 'What the devil do +I want with a case?' And that's how I always find out whether a man +means mischief or not." + +"That is very curious indeed," I replied; and it seemed to me a very +characteristic sign. + +The gunsmith, with a slight twinkle in his eye, went on: "Therefore as +soon as I perceive his drift I make a point of giving him cartridges a +size too large. It is not a small thing, the taking away one's life; +it requires a deal of courage and determination. I fancy many a man +breaks into a cold perspiration as he finally says: 'Now for the +revolver! Ah, the cartridges do not fit; the gunsmith made a mistake;' +and he has to put it off until the following day. And do you think, +sir, it is an easy thing to do it twice over? Many a man who has faced +death once cannot do it again. There were some who came the next day +to buy a case. I laughed in my sleeve and said: 'There's your case, +and may it last you a long time.'" + +I note down this conversation because everything relating to suicide +has become of interest to me, and the old gunsmith's words appeared to +contain a bit of philosophy worth preserving. + + +27 June. + +Now and then I remind myself that Aniela loved me, that I could have +married her, that my life might have been made bright and happy, that +it merely depended upon me, and that I wasted all that through my +incapacity for action. Then I put to myself the question: "Is there +any sign of insanity in me, and is it indeed true that I could have +had Aniela forever?" It must be true, for how could I otherwise recall +all the incidents from the time I met her first up to the present +moment? And to think that she might have been mine, and as faithful +and loyal to me as she is to that other one!--a hundred times more +faithful, because she would love me from her whole soul. Innate +incapacity?--yes, that is it. But even if it justifies me in my own +eyes, what matters it to me, since it does not give me any comfort? +The only thought that gives me comfort is that the descendants of +decayed as well as of the most buoyant races have to go the same +way,--to dust and ashes. This makes the difference between the weak +and the strong a great deal less. The whole misfortune of beings like +me is their isolation. What erroneous ideas have our novelists, and +for the matter of that even our physiologists, about the decaying +races. They fancy that inward incapacity must invariably correspond +with physical deterioration, small build, weak muscles, anæmic brain, +and weak intelligence. This may be the case now and then, but +to regard it as a general principle is a mistake and a pedantic +repetition of the same thing over and over again. The descendants of +worn-out races have no lack of vital powers, but they lack harmony +among these powers. I myself am physically a powerful man, and never +was a fool. I knew people of my sphere built like Greek statues, +clever, gifted, and yet they did not know how to fit themselves into +life, and ended badly, exactly through that want of even balance in +their otherwise luxuriant vital powers. They exist among us as in a +badly organized society where nobody knows where the rights of the +one begin and those of another cease. We live in anarchy, and it is a +known fact that in anarchy society cannot exist. Each of the powers +drags its own way, often pulling all the others with it; and this +produces a tragic exclusiveness. I am now suffering from this +exclusiveness, by reason of which nothing interests me beyond Aniela, +nothing matters to me, and there is nothing else to which I can +attach my life. But people do not understand that such a want of even +balance, such anarchy of the vital powers, is a far greater disease +than physical or moral anæmia. This is the solution of the problem. + +Formerly the conditions of life and a differently constituted +community summoned us, and in a way forced us, into action. Now, in +these antihygienic times, when we have nothing to do with public life, +and are poisoned by philosophy and doubts, our disease has grown +more acute. We have come to this at last, that we are not capable of +sustained action, that our vitality shows itself only in sudden leaps +and bounds, and consequently the most gifted among us always end in +some kind of madness. Of all that constitutes life there is only woman +left for us; and we either fritter and squander ourselves away in +licentiousness or cling to one love as to a branch that overhangs a +precipice. As it is mostly an unlawful love we cling to, it carries +within itself the elements of a tragedy. I know that my love for +Aniela must end badly; and therefore I do not even try to defend +myself from it. Besides, whether I resist or submit, it means ruin +either way. + + +28 June. + +The baths and especially the cool, bracing air are improving Pani +Celina's health, and she is growing stronger day by day. I surround +her with every care and think of her comforts as if she were my own +mother. She is grateful for it, and seems to be growing very fond of +me. Aniela notices it, and cannot help feeling a certain regret at +this vision of happiness that might have been ours if things had +turned out differently. I am quite certain now that she does not love +Kromitzki. She is and will be faithful to him; but when I see them +together I notice in her face a certain constraint and humiliation. +I see it every time when he, whether really in love or only showing +himself off as a doting husband, fondles her hands, smoothes her hair +or kisses her brow. She would rather hide herself in the very earth +than be forced to submit to these endearments in my and other people's +presence. Nevertheless she submits, with a forced smile. I smile too, +but as a diversion I mentally plunge my hands into my vitals and +tear them to pieces. At times the thought crosses my mind that this +priestess of Diana is more at ease and less reticent when alone with +her husband. But I do not often indulge in thoughts like these, for I +feel that one drop more and I shall lose my self-control altogether. + +My relation to Aniela is terrible for me as well as for her. My love +shows itself in the guise of hatred, scorn, and irony. It frightens +Aniela and hurts her. She looks at me now and then, and her pleading +eyes say, "Is it my fault?" And I repeat to myself, "It is not her +fault;" but I cannot, God help me, I cannot be different to her. The +more I see her oppressed and hurt, the fiercer becomes my resentment +towards her, towards Kromitzki, myself, and the whole world. And yet +I pity her from my whole heart, for she is as unhappy as I am. But +as water, instead of subduing a conflagration, makes it rage all the +fiercer, so my feelings are rendered fiercer by despair. I treat the +dearest being with scorn, anger, and irony, and thereby hurt myself +far more than I hurt her; for she is capable of forgiveness, but I +shall never be able to forgive myself. + + +29 June. + +That man notices there is some ill-feeling between me and his wife, +and he explains it in a manner worthy of him. It seems to him that +I hate her because she preferred him to me. He fancies that my +resentment is nothing but offended vanity. Truly only a husband can +look upon it in this light. Consequently he tries to make it up to her +by his caresses, and treats me with the kind indulgence of a generous +victor. + +How vanity blinds some people! What a strange creature he is! He goes +every day to the Straubinger hotel, watches the couples promenading on +the Wandelbahn, and with a certain delight puts the worst construction +upon their mutual relations. He laughs at the husbands who, according +to his views, are deceived by their wives; every new discovery puts +him into better humor, and his eyeglass is continually dropping out +and put back again. And yet the same man who considers conjugal +faithlessness such an excellent opportunity for making silly jokes, +would consider it the most awful tragedy if it happened to himself. +Since it is only a question of other people it is a farce; touching +his own happiness it would cry out to heaven for vengeance. Why, +you fool!--go to the looking glass, see yourself as you are, your +Mongolian eyes, that hair like a black Astrachan cap, that eyeglass, +those long shanks; enter into yourself and see the meanness of your +intellect, the vulgarity of your character,--and tell me whether a +woman like Aniela ought to remain true to you for an hour! How did you +manage to get her, you spiritual and physical upstart? Is it not an +unnatural monstrosity that you are her husband? Dante's Beatrice, +marrying a common Florentine cad, would have been better matched. + +I had to interrupt my writing because I felt I was losing my balance; +and yet I fancied myself resigned! May Kromitzki rest easy; I do not +feel that I am any better than he. Even if I supposed I was made of +finer stuff than he, it would be small comfort, since my deeds are +worse than his. He has no need of hiding anything, and I am obliged +to play the hypocrite, take him always into account, conceal my real +feelings, deceive and circumvent him. Can there be anything meaner +than pursuing such a course of action, instead of taking him by the +throat? I abuse him in my diary. Such underhand satisfaction even a +slave may permit himself towards his master. Kromitzki never could +have felt so small as I did in my own eyes when I committed a +multitude of littlenesses, devised cunning plans to make him take +separate lodgings and not stop in the same house with Aniela. And +after all, I gained nothing. With the simple sentence, "I wish to be +near my wife" he demolished all my plans. It is simply unbearable, +especially as Aniela understands every movement of mine, every word +and scheme. I fancy she must often blush for me. All this taken +together makes up my daily food. I do not think I shall be able to +bear it much longer, as I cannot be equal to the situation,--which +simply means: I am not villain enough for the conditions in which I +live. + + +30 June. + +I overheard from the veranda the end of a conversation carried on in +an audible voice between Kromitzki and Aniela. + +"I will speak to him myself," said Kromitzki; "but you must tell your +aunt the position I am in." + +"I will never do it," replied Aniela. + +"Not if such is my wish?" he said sharply. + +Not desirous of playing the part of eavesdropper, I went into the +room. I saw on Aniela's face an expression of pain, which she tried to +hide upon seeing me. Kromitzki was white with anger, but greeted me +with a smile. For a moment an unreasonable fear got hold of me that +she had confessed something to her husband. I am not afraid of +Kromitzki; my only fear is that he may take away Aniela and thus part +me from my sorrows, my humiliations, and torments. I live by them; +without them I should be famished. Anything rather than part from +Aniela. In vain I racked my brain to guess what could have taken place +between them. At moments I thought it probable that she had told him +something; but then his manner towards me would have changed, and it +was if anything even more polite than usual. + +Generally speaking, but for my aversion to the man, I have no fault +to find with him in so far as I am concerned. He is very polite and +friendly, gives way to me in everything as if he were dealing with a +nervous woman. He tries all means to gain my confidence. It does +not discourage him in the least that I meet his advances at times +brusquely or sarcastically, and without much consideration for his +feelings show up his ignorance and want of refined nerves. I do not +miss any opportunity to expose before Aniela how commonplace he is in +heart and intellect. But he is wonderfully patient. Maybe he is so +only with me. To-day I saw him for the first time angry with Aniela, +and his complexion was of the greenish hue of people who are angry in +cold blood and nurse their wrath long afterwards. Aniela is probably +afraid of him, but she is afraid of everybody,--even of me. It is +sometimes difficult to understand how this woman with the temper of +a dove can at a given moment summon so much energy. There was a time +when I thought her too passive to be able to resist me long. What +a disappointment! Her resistance is all the stronger, the more +unexpected it is. I do not know what was the question between her and +Kromitzki, but if she says that she is not going to do what he asks +her, she will shake with fear but will not yield. If she were mine, I +would love her as the dog loves its mistress; I would carry her on +my hands, and not allow the dust to touch her feet; I would love her +until death. + + +1 July. + +My jealousy would be a miserable thing if it were not at the same time +the pain of the true believer who sees his divinity dragged in the +dust. I would abstain even from touching her hand if I could place her +on some inapproachable height where nobody could come near her. + + +2 July. + +I deluded myself as to my state of quiescence. It was only a temporary +torpidity of the nerves, which I mistook for calmness. Besides, I knew +it could not last. + + +3 July. + +Yes, something has passed between them. They hide some mutual offence, +but I see it. For some days I have noticed that he does not take her +hands, as he used to and kiss them in turn; he does not stroke her +hair or kiss her forehead. I had a moment of real joy, but Aniela +herself poisoned it. I see that she tries to conciliate and humor him +as if wishing to restore their former relations. At the sight of this +a great rage possessed me, and showed itself in my behavior to Aniela. +Never had I been so pitiless to her and myself. + + +4 July. + +To-day, returning from the Wandelbahn, I met Aniela on the bridge +opposite the Cascades. She stopped suddenly and said something, but +the roar of the water drowned her voice. This irritated me, for at +present everything irritates me. Whereupon, leading her across the +bridge towards our villa, I said impatiently: "I could not hear what +you were saying." + +"I wanted to ask you," she said, with emotion, "why you are so +different to me now? Why have you no pity upon me?" + +All my blood rushed to my heart at these words. + +"Can you not see," I said quickly, "that I love you more than words +can tell? and you treat it as if it were a mere nothing. Listen! I do +not want anything from you. Only tell me that you love me, surrender +your heart to me, and I will bear anything, suffer anything, and will +give my whole life to you and serve you to the last breath. Aniela, +you love me! Tell me, is it not true? You will save me by that one +word; say it!" + +Aniela had grown as pale as the foam on the cascade. It seemed as if +she had turned to ice. For a moment she could not utter a word; then +making a great effort, she replied:-- + +"You must not speak to me in that way." + +"Then you will never say it?" + +"Never!" + +"Then you have not the least--" I broke off. It suddenly whirled +across my brain that if Kromitzki asked her, she would not refuse him; +and at this thought rage and despair deprived me of all consciousness. +I heard the rushing of waters in my ear, and everything grew dark +before my eyes. I only remember that I hurled a few horrible, cynical +words at her, such as no man should use against a defenceless woman, +and which I dare not put down in this diary. I remember as in a dream +that she looked at me with dilated eyes, took me by the sleeve, then +shook my shoulder, and said, anxiously:-- + +"Leon, what is the matter with you,--what ails you?" + +What ailed me was that I was losing my senses. I tore my hand away and +rushed off in the opposite direction. After a moment I retraced my +steps; but she was gone. Then I understood only one thing: the time +had come to put an end to life. The thought seemed to me like a rift +in the dark clouds that weighed upon me. It was a strange state of +consciousness, in one direction. For the moment all thoughts about +myself, about Aniela, were wiped from my memory; but I contemplated +the thought of death with the greatest self-possession. I knew, for +instance, perfectly well that if I threw myself from the rocks it +would be considered an accident, and if I shot myself in my own room +my aunt would not survive the shock. It was still stranger that, in +spite of this consciousness, I did not feel called upon to make any +choice, as if the connection between my reasoning and my will and +its consequent action had been severed. With a perfectly clear +understanding that it would be better to throw myself from the rocks, +I yet went back to the villa for my revolver. Why? I cannot explain +it. I only remember that I ran faster and faster, at last went up +the stairs into my room, and began to search for the key of my +portmanteau, where the revolver was. Presently I heard steps +approaching my door. This roused me, and the thought flashed through +my mind that it was Aniela, that she had guessed my intention, and +came to prevent it. The door was flung open, and there was my aunt, +who called out in a breathless voice:-- + +"Leon, go quick for the doctor! Aniela has been taken ill." + +Hearing that, I forgot all else, and without hat I rushed forth, and +in a quarter of an hour brought a doctor from the Straubinger hotel. +The doctor went to see Aniela, and I remained with my aunt on the +veranda. I asked her what had happened to Aniela. + +"Half an hour ago," said my aunt, "Aniela came back with such a +feverishly burning face that both Celina and I asked whether anything +had happened to her. She replied, 'Nothing, nothing,' almost +impatiently; and when Celina insisted upon knowing what was the matter +with her, Aniela, for the first time since I have known her, lost her +temper and cried out, 'Why are you all bent upon tormenting me?' Then +she became quite hysterical, and laughed and cried. We were terribly +frightened, and then I came and asked you to fetch the doctor. Thank +God, she is calmer now. How she wept, poor child, and asked us to +forgive her for having spoken unkindly to us." + +I remained silent; my heart was too full for words. + +My aunt paced up and down the veranda, and presently, her arms akimbo, +stopped before me and said,-- + +"Do you know, my boy, what I am thinking? It is this: We somehow do +not like Kromitzki,--even Celina is not fond of him; and Aniela sees +it, and it hurts her feelings. It is a strange thing; he does his best +to make himself pleasant, and yet he always seems like an outsider. It +is not right, and it grieves Aniela." + +"Do you think, aunty, that she loves him so very much?" + +"I did not say very much. He is her husband, and so she loves him, and +feels hurt that we treat him badly." + +"But who treats him badly? I think she is not happy with him,--that is +all." + +"God forbid that you should be right. I do not say but she might have +done better; but after all there is nothing to be said against him. +He evidently loves her very much. Celina cannot quite forgive him the +sale of Gluchow; but as to Aniela, she defends him, and does not allow +anybody to say a word against him." + +"Perhaps against her own conviction?" + +"It proves all the more that she loves him. As to his affairs, the +worst is that nobody knows how he stands; and this is a great source +of trouble to Celina. But after all, wealth is not everything; +besides, as I told you before, I will not forget to provide for +Aniela, and you agree with me, do you not? We both owe her a kind of +duty, not to mention that she is a dear, affectionate creature, and +deserves everything we can do for her." + +"With all my heart, dear aunt; she will be always as a sister to me, +and shall not be in want of anything as long as I live." + +"I count upon my dear boy, and can die in peace." + +Thereupon she embraced me. The doctor, coming towards us, interrupted +our conversation. In a few words he set our minds at rest,-- + +"A little nervous agitation; it often appears after the first baths. +Leave off bathing for a few days, plenty of air and exercise,--that is +all that is wanted. The constitution is sound; strengthen the system, +and all will be well." + +I paid him so liberally that he bowed, and did not put on his hat till +he was beyond the railings of the villa. I would have given anything +if I could have gone immediately to Aniela, kissed her feet, and +begged her forgiveness for all the wrong I had done her. I vowed to +myself that I would be different, more patient, with Kromitzki,--not +revolt any more, nor grumble. Contrition, contrition deep and sincere, +permeated my whole being. How unspeakably I love her! + +Close upon noon I met Kromitzki coming back from a long walk on the +Kaiserweg. I put my good resolutions at once to the test, and was more +friendly with him. He thought it was sympathy because of his wife's +illness, and as such accepted it in a grateful spirit. He and Pani +Celina spent the remainder of the day with Aniela. She had expressed a +wish to dress and go out; but they did not let her. I did not permit +myself even to chafe at that. I do not remember that I ever subdued +myself to the same extent. "It is all for you, dearest," I said +inwardly. I was very stupid all the day, and felt an irresistible +desire to cry like a child. Even now tears fill my eyes. If I have +sinned greatly, I bear a heavy punishment. + + +5 July. + +After yesterday's commotion a calm has set in. The clouds have +discharged their electricity, and the storm is over. I feel exhausted +morally and physically. Aniela is better. This morning we met alone on +the veranda. I put her on a rocking-chair, wrapped a shawl around her +shoulders, as the morning was rather chilly, and said:-- + +"Aniela dear, I beg your pardon from my whole heart for what I said +yesterday. Forgive and forget if you can, though I shall never forgive +myself." + +She put out her hand at once, and I clung to it with my lips. I could +have groaned aloud; there is such a gulf between my love and my +misery. Aniela seemed to feel it too, for she did not withdraw her +hand at once. She too tried to control her emotion, and the feeling +which urged her towards me. Her neck and breast heaved as if she were +strangling the sobs that rose to her throat. She feels that I love her +beyond everything; that a love like mine is not to be met with every +day; and that it might have been a treasure of happiness to last our +whole life. Presently she grew more composed and her face became +serene. There was nothing but resignation there, and angelic goodness. + +"There is peace between us, is there not?" she asked. + +"Yes," I replied. + +"And forever?" + +"How can I tell, dearest? You know best how things stand with me." + +Her eyes again grew misty, and again she recovered herself. + +"All will be well," she said, "you are so good." + +"I, good?" I exclaimed with real indignation; "do you not know that if +you had not fallen ill yesterday I should--" + +I did not finish. I suddenly remembered that it would be mean and +cowardly to use such a weapon against her. I felt all the more ashamed +of my rashness as I saw the troubled eyes looking anxiously into mine. + +"What did you want to say?" + +"I was going to say words unworthy of myself; besides, they have no +meaning now." + +"Leon! I must know what you meant, else I shall have no peace." + +Suddenly a breath of wind blew a lock of her hair into her eyes. I +rose, and with the light, tender touch of a mother, put it back into +its place. + +"Dear Aniela, do not force me to tell what I ought to forget. If it be +a question of your peace of mind I pledge you my word that you need +not have any fear for the future." + +"You promise this?" she asked, still looking intently at me. + +"Yes, most solemnly and emphatically; will that satisfy you, and drive +out any foolish notions from the little head?" + +The postman coming in with a parcel of letters interrupted our +conversation. There was the usual budget from the East for Kromitzki; +only one letter for Aniela, from Sniatynski (I recognized his +handwriting on the envelope), and one for me from Clara. The latter +does not say much about herself, but inquires most minutely what I am +doing. I told Aniela who it was that had written, and she, to show me +that all ill-feeling and constraint had gone, began to tease me. I +paid her back in the same coin, and pointing to Sniatynski's letter +said there was another poor man who had succumbed to little Aniela's +wiles. We laughed and bandied jests for a little time. + +The human soul, like the bee, extracts sweetness even from bitter +herbs. The most unhappy wretch still tries to squeeze out a little +happiness from his woes, and the merest shadow and pretext will serve +his turn. Sometimes I think that this intense longing for happiness is +one proof more that happiness is awaiting us in another world. I am +convinced also that pessimism was invented as a comfort to satisfy a +want, sum up all human misery, and put it into a philosophic formula. +It satisfies our thirst for truth and knowledge, and happiness itself +is nothing but satisfied craving. Perhaps love in itself is such a +source of happiness that even a clouded love like ours is interwoven +with golden rays. Such a ray fell on our path to-day. I had not +expected it, as I had not expected that a man whose desires are +without limits could be satisfied with so little. + +We had scarcely read our letters when Pani Celina, who is now able to +walk without help, came towards us with a footstool for Aniela. + +"Oh mamma!" cried out Aniela, in a shocked voice; "You ought not to do +that." + +"And did you not yourself nurse me night and day when I was ill?" + +I took the footstool from Pani Celina's hands, and kneeling down +before Aniela, I waited until she had put her little feet upon it; and +kneeling thus before her for a second filled me with happiness for the +whole day. It is a fact. A very poor man lives upon crumbs, and smiles +gratefully--through tears. + + +6 July. + +I have a crippled heart, but it is capable of love. It is only now I +fully understand what Sniatynski meant. If I were not a man out +of joint, without an even-balanced mind, poisoned by scepticism, +criticism of myself, and criticism of criticism, if my love were in +harmony with law and principles, I should have found in Aniela the +dogma of my life, and other dogmas, other beliefs, would have come +to me in course of time. Yet I do not know; perhaps I could not love +otherwise than crookedly; and in this lies my incapacity for life. +In short, that which ought to have been my health and salvation has +become my disease and damnation. Strange to say, there was no lack of +warnings. It almost seems as if people had foreseen what would befall +me. I remember constantly the words Sniatynski wrote to me when I was +with the Davises at Peli: "Something must always be growing within +us; beware lest something should grow in you which would cause your +unhappiness, and the unhappiness of those near and dear to you." I +laughed then at the words, yet how true they were. My father, too, +spoke several times as if he had pierced the veil that hides the +future. To-day the remembrance is too late. I know it is useless to +rake up the ashes of the past, but I cannot help it. I am sorry for +myself, but more sorry still for Aniela. She would have been a hundred +times happier with me than with Kromitzki. Supposing even I should +have subjected her at first to analysis, and discovered various +faults, I should have loved her all the same. She would have been +mine, and as such she would have become part of me and entered into +the sphere of my egoism. Her faults would have been my weaknesses, and +we are always ready to make allowance for ourselves, and though we +criticise self we do not cease to care for its well-being. Thus she +would have been dear to me; and as she is infinitely better than I, in +time she would have become my pride, the noblest part of my soul; I +should have found out that criticism, as far as she was concerned, was +out of place; gradually she would have won me over to her pure faith +and wrought my salvation. All that has been wasted, spoiled, and +transmuted into a tragedy for her,--into evil and a tragedy for me. + + +7 July. + +I have been reading what I wrote yesterday, and am struck by what +I said at the end, namely: that the love which might have been my +salvation has become a source of evil. I cannot quite agree with the +thought. How can love for a pure woman like Aniela bring forth evil? +One word explains it,--it is a crooked love. I must own the truth. If +two years ago somebody had told me that I, a civilized man, a man with +aesthetic nerves, and living in peace with the penal code, should +meditate for nights and days how to put out of the world, even by +murder, a man who would be in my way, I should have taken that +somebody for an escaped lunatic. Yet it is true; I have come to that. +Kromitzki shuts out from me the world; he takes from me the earth, +water, and air. I cannot live because he lives; and for that reason I +incessantly think of his death. What a simple and complete solution of +all the difficulties and entanglements his death would be. I thought +more than once that since the hypnotizer can send his medium to sleep, +a more concentrated power would be able to put him to sleep forever. I +have sent for all the newest books about hypnotism. In the mean while +with every glance I say to Kromitzki, "Die!" and if such a suggestion +were sufficient, he would have been dead some time ago. But the whole +result of it is that he is as well as ever, is Aniela's husband, and +I remain with the consciousness that my intention is equally criminal +and foolish, ridiculous, and unworthy of an active man; and it makes +me lose my self-respect more and more. Yet it does not prevent my +trying to hypnotize Kromitzki. + +It is the old story again of the intelligent man who, given up by the +doctors, goes for advice to quacks and wise women. I want to kill my +enemy by hypnotism; and as it only shows my own worthlessness, it is I +who suffer by it. I must also confess that as often as I am alone, I +begin to think of all possible means in human power to put the hateful +man out of the way. For some time I nursed the thought of killing him +in a duel; but this would not lead to anything. Aniela would never +marry the man who had killed her husband; then, like a common +criminal, I began to think of other ways. And what is the strangest +thing of all, I discovered ways which human justice would not be able +to detect. Foolishness! vain thoughts! pure theory! + +Kromitzki need have no fear for his life; thoughts like these will +never be acted upon. I should not kill him if I could do it without +more responsibility than is incurred in crushing a spider; should not +kill him if we two were alone together on a desert island. If one +could divide the human brain as one cuts in two an apple, and lay +bare its thoughts, it would be found that mine is honeycombed with +murderous thoughts. What is more, I am well aware that if I refrain +from killing Kromitzki it is not by reason of any moral principle +contained in the law "Thou shalt do no murder." This law I have +already violated morally. I refrain from killing him because some +remnants of chivalric tradition bar my way; because my refined nerves +would not permit me to commit a brutal deed; in short, I am too far +removed from primitive man to be physically competent to the task, +though morally I slay him every day. And now I ask myself whether, in +presence of a higher judgment, I should be held responsible, as if I +had committed the deed. + +It may be that if one could lay open the human brain, as I said +before, in the most virtuous individual thoughts would be found to +make our hair stand on end. I remember that, when a little boy, there +came upon me a period of such religious fervor that I prayed from +morning until night; and at the same time, in the midst of my pious +transports, there came into my mind blasphemous thoughts, as if an +evil wind had blown them thither, or a demon whispered them into my +ear. In the same way I had irreverent thoughts about persons whom +I loved with all my heart and for whom I would have given my life +without a moment's hesitation. I remember that this, which I might +call a tragedy of childhood, cost me a great deal of anguish. But I +will not dwell upon that now. Going back to blasphemous or criminal +thoughts, I do not think we are responsible for them, as they come +from the knowledge of evil, not from an evil growing within the +organism itself; and for the very reason that it is outward to +ourselves we fancy an evil spirit suggesting the thoughts. Man listens +to it, and being averse to evil, spurns it; and there may be some +merit in this. But with me it is different. The thought of getting rid +of Kromitzki does not come from the outside, but springs from me and +exists within me. I have come down to that morally, and if I do not +commit the deed it is a mere matter of nerves. The part of my inward +Mephistopheles is confined to mocking and whispering into my ear that +the deed would only prove my energy, and not be much of a crime. + +These are the crossways on which I never dreamed of finding myself. +I look into the depths of my own self with amazement. I do not know +whether my exceptional troubles will partly atone for my errors, but +one thing I know, namely: that he whose life cannot find room in +the simple code Aniela and others like her cling to, if his soul is +brimming over and breaks its bounds it must mix with dust and be +polluted in the mud. + + +9 July. + +To-day in the reading-room Kromitzki pointed out to me an Englishman +accompanied by a very beautiful woman, and told me their story. The +beauty is a Roumanian by birth and married a Wallachian bankrupt +Boyar, from whom the Englishman simply bought her at Ostend. I have +heard of similar transactions at least a dozen times. Kromitzki even +mentioned the sum the Englishman had given for her. The story made a +strange impression upon me. I thought to myself, "This is one way, +however disgraceful for the seller and buyer; it is a simple method of +obtaining a desired result. The woman concerned in it need not know +anything about the transaction, and the agreement could be concealed +under decent appearances." Involuntarily I began to apply the idea to +our own situation. Suppose it answered. The whole thing presented +itself to me under two aspects: in regard to Aniela as a horrible +profanation; in regard to Kromitzki, not only as feasible, but at the +same time gratifying my scorn and hatred for him. If he agreed to it, +he would prove himself a villain, and show what kind of man he is, and +what a monstrous thing has been done in giving Aniela to him. I should +then be quite justified in all my endeavors to take her from him. But +would he agree? I said to myself: "You hate him, and consequently +believe him capable of any evil." But thinking of him objectively, I +remembered that the man had sold his wife's property, had deceived +her and Pani Celina, and also that the ruling passion of his life was +greed for gain. It was not I alone who considered him as one wholly +possessed by the gold fever. Sniatynski thought the same, and so do +my aunt and Pani Celina. This kind of moral disease always leads into +pitfalls. I understand that much will depend upon the state of his +affairs. How they stand nobody seems to know, unless it be his agent +Chwastowski. It suddenly struck me that I might get some information +from this same Chwastowski, but that would take some time. Perhaps I +will run over to Vienna and see his brother the doctor, who is working +in the Vienna hospitals; the brothers are sure to correspond with each +other. My aunt thinks that he is not doing as well as he wants us +to believe, and I imagine that he has sunk all his money in +some speculation from which he expects a great profit. Will he +succeed?--that is the question. He himself does not know; hence +his restlessness, and the multitude of letters he sends to young +Chwastowski. In the mean while I will sound him cautiously, lest I +should rouse his suspicions, as to what he thinks of the Boyar who +sold his wife to the Englishman. I do not suppose for a moment that +he will be quite sincere, but I will help him and guess the rest. The +whole sum and substance of this is, that it has put a little more life +into me. There is nothing more horrible than to suffer passively; and +anything that rouses me from my apathy is acceptable. I repeat to +myself, "At least to-morrow and the day after, you will have something +to do to further your plans;" and that promises a transition from +utter passiveness to a feverish activity. I must be doing something; +it is a question of not losing control over my senses. I pledged my +word to Aniela not to attempt my life, and I cannot go on living as I +do. If the road I am taking be ignominious, the ignominy will be for +Kromitzki more than for me. I must and will separate them, not only +for my own sake but also for Aniela's sake. I am really feverish. +Everybody seems to derive some benefit from the bathing except me. + + +10 July. + +There are some hot days even in Gastein. What heat! Aniela is dressed +in white soft flannel, such as English girls wear for lawn-tennis. We +have our breakfast in the open air. She comes from her bath as bright +and fresh as the snow at sunrise. The supple figure shows to great +advantage in the graceful dress. The morning light falls upon her and +shows distinctly every hair on the eyebrows, lashes, and the delicate +down on either side of her face. The hair is glistening with +moisture and looks fairer in this light, and the eyelids are almost +transparent. How young she is, and how intoxicating her appearance! In +her, then, is my life, in her everything I want. I will not go away, I +cannot. Looking at her I seem to lose my senses from intoxication, and +at the same time from pain; for close by her side sits he who is her +husband. It cannot continue thus; let her belong to no one provided +she be not his. She understands to a certain extent what I suffer, but +not altogether. She does not love her husband, but considers it her +duty to live with him. I gnash my teeth at the very thought, for in +admitting his rights she degrades herself; and that is not allowed, +even to her. Far better she were dead. Then she will be mine; because +the lawful husband will remain behind, but not I. By this token I am +more lawfully hers than he is. + +There is something very strange going on within me at times. For +instance, when I am very tired or when my mind is concentrated upon +one point I seem to look into the future, into far-away space which +remains invisible to me in a normal state. Then there comes to me such +a conviction that Aniela belongs to me--that in some way she is or +will be mine--that when I wake up I have to remind myself that there +exists such a man as Kromitzki. Maybe in moments like those I cross +the boundary which separates the living from the dead, and have a +vision of things more perfect, such as the ideals we dream about, +as they might shape themselves in outward form. Why is it these two +worlds are not more in touch with each other? As often as I try to +solve this problem I lose myself; I cannot understand this want of +harmony, but feel dimly that therein lie our imperfection and our +misery. The thought comforts me, for in the ideal world Aniela could +not belong to a man like Kromitzki. + + +11 July. + +Another disappointment, another plan shattered, but I have still hope +that all is not lost. I spoke to-day with Kromitzki about the Boyar +who sold his wife, and invented a whole story in order to discover his +real feelings. We met the Englishman with his purchased wife near the +Cascades. I began by praising her beauty, and then remarked:-- + +"The doctor here told me something about the transaction, and I think +you are a little hard upon the Boyar." + +"Hard upon him? not a bit; he amuses me intensely," he replied. + +"There are extenuating circumstances in the case. He is not only a +Boyar, but the owner of extensive tannery works. Suddenly, because of +the infection, the importation of skins from Roumania was forbidden. +The man recognized that unless he could tide over the time until the +law was repealed he would be ruined, and with him hundreds of families +to whom he gave employment. My dear fellow, he looked at it from +a business point of view; perhaps business morality is a little +different from general morality, and as he had once entered into +that--" + +"He had a right to sell his wife? To fulfil one part of his duties he +had no right to trample upon another and perhaps more binding duty." + +Kromitzki could not have disappointed me more thoroughly than by thus +showing some decent feeling. But I did not give up my hope at once. +I know that even the meanest person has still at his disposition +high-sounding words wherewith to mask his real character. Therefore I +went on:-- + +"You do not take into account one thing, namely, that the man would +have dragged his wife with him into poverty. Confess it is a singular +idea of duty that it should lead us to deprive those dependent on us +of their daily bread." + +"Do you know, I had no idea you were so deucedly sober-minded." + +"You fool!" I thought to myself; "don't you understand that these are +not my views, but views I want you to adopt?" Aloud I said:-- + +"I only try to put myself into the place of this business man. +Besides, you do not consider that the woman probably did not love her +husband, and that the other man was aware of it." + +"In such a case they were worthy of each other." + +"That is another question altogether. Looking a little deeper into +the affair, and supposing that being in love with the Englishman, she +nevertheless remained faithful to her husband, she may be worthier +than you think. As to the Boyar, he may be a villain for anything I +know, but what can he do, I ask you, in case somebody comes to him and +says: 'You are a bankrupt twice over; you have debts you cannot pay, +and a wife that does not love you. Divorce that woman, and I will take +care of her future, and will also take upon me all your liabilities.' +It is a way of speaking, to say the man 'sold' his wife; but can a +transaction like this be called a sale? Consider that the merchant +who agreed to this proposition by one stroke saved his wife from +poverty,--and possibly this is the right way to look upon duty,--and +saved all those who depended upon him!" + +Kromitzki thought a little, then dropped his eyeglass and said:-- + +"My dear fellow, as to business I flatter myself that I know a great +deal more about it than you; but as to arguments, I confess that you +would soon drive me into a corner. If you had not inherited millions +from your father, you would be able to amass a fortune as a barrister. +You have put the whole thing in such a light that I do not know what +to think of that Roumanian chap. All I know about it is that some +kind of transaction about his wife had occurred, and that, put it in +whatever light you will, is always a disreputable thing. Besides, as +I am somewhat of a merchant myself, I will tell you another thing: +a bankrupt can always find a way out of his difficulties: he either +makes another fortune and then pays his debts, or he blows out his +brains and pays with his life; and at the same time, if he is married, +he sets his wife free and gives her another chance." + +I fumed and raged inwardly, and would have given anything if I could +have shouted out to him: "You are a bankrupt already in one thing, for +your wife does not love you. You see the Cascades; jump in, set her +free, and give her the chance of some happiness." But I remained +silent, chewing the bitter cud of my reflections. Kromitzki, however +commonplace he might be, though capable of selling Gluchow and taking +advantage of his wife's trust in him, was not the villain I took him +for. It was a disappointment and destroyed the plan to which for the +moment I had clung as to a plank of safety. Again I felt powerless, +and saw looming up before me the vast solitude. Nevertheless, I held +fast to that purpose because I understood that unless I could do +something, I should go mad. "It will at least prepare the ground for +anything that may turn up, and accustom Kromitzki to the thought of +parting with Aniela," I said to myself. As I said before, nobody knows +in what state Kromitzki's affairs are, but I suppose that a man who +speculates is liable to losses as well as to gains. I said to him:-- + +"I do not know whether your principles are, strictly speaking, +business principles, but at any rate they are the sentiments of an +honorable man, and I respect you for them. You said, if I understood +you, that a man has no right to drag his wife with him into poverty." + +"No, I did not say that; I only said that to sell one's wife is a +villany; the wife ought to share her husband's fate. I think but +little of a fair-weather wife, who wants to break her marriage vows +because her husband cannot give her the comforts of life." + +"Suppose she did not agree, he might set her free against her will. +Besides, if she knew that by submitting to a divorce, she could save +her husband, duty well understood would bid her to yield." + +"It is unpleasant even to talk about such things." + +"Why? are you sorry for the Boyar?" + +"Not I; I shall always hold him for a blackguard." + +"Because you do not look at things from an objective point of view. +But that is not astonishing. A man like you, with whom everything is +prospering, cannot enter into the psychology of a bankrupt unless +he be a philosopher; and philosophy has nothing to do with making +millions." + +I did not wish to prolong the conversation, so utterly disgusted was +I with my own perversity. I had sown the seed,--a very small and +pitiable seed to produce anything; and yet I clung to it tenaciously. +One thing revived my hope. At the moment when I tried to make him +believe that a ruined man ought to set his wife free, there was a +certain constraint and trouble in his expression. I also noticed that +when I spoke about his millions a slight sigh escaped him. To infer +from this that he is on the brink of ruin, would be jumping at +conclusions; but I may fairly conjecture that his affairs are in +a precarious state. I resolved to get at the truth as quickly as +possible. + +In the mean while my own self seemed to be divided in two parts. The +one said: "If you waver ever so little, I will push you downward if +it should cost me my whole fortune. I will work your ruin, and when +I come to deal with a broken man, it remains to be seen whether for +certain transactions you do not find a gentler word than, 'villany.'" +Yet I was conscious at the same time that these were not my thoughts +nor my ways of dealing; that they had been suggested to me by somebody +else, and that but for my desperate position they would never have +found room in me, as they are averse to my nature and repulsive to me. +Money never played any part in my life, either as means or as aim. I +consider myself incapable of using such a weapon, and I felt what a +degradation it would be for me and Aniela to introduce that element +into our relations to each other. The thought of it was so repulsive +to me that I said to myself: "Will you not spare yourself? Must you +even drink from such a bowl? See how you are degenerating step by +step. Formerly thoughts like these would never have crossed your mind; +and what is more, schemes like these are utterly useless, and will +only lower you in your own eyes." + +In fact, formerly, when my aunt spoke of Kromitzki's affairs in a +doubting spirit, it had always caused me some uneasiness. The prospect +that at some time or other he might want me to assist him or take a +share in his transactions had made me consider what I should do in +such a case; and I always vowed that I would decline and have nothing +to do with any of his affairs; so repugnant to me was the thought of +mingling money matters with my relations to Aniela. I remember that +I saw in this another proof of the nobility and refinement of my +feelings. To-day I grasp that weapon as if I were a banker and had +lived by money transactions all my life. + +I perceive with absolute certainty that my thoughts and deeds are +worse than myself, and I ask myself how that can be. Most probably +because I cannot find the way out of the labyrinth. I love a noble +woman; my love is very great; and yet, putting the two together, the +net result is crookedness, and enchanted circles where my character +loses itself and even my nerves grow less sensitive. When, in former +times, I erred and strayed from the right path there still remained +something, some aesthetic feeling, by the help of which I still +distinguished good from evil. At present I have none of that feeling, +or if it still exists it is powerless. If I had only at the same time +lost the consciousness of what is ugly and offensive! But no; I have +it still, only it does not serve me as a curb, and is of no effect +except to aggravate my troubles. Beside my love for Aniela there is no +room for anything; but consciousness does not require space. I absorb +love, hatred, and sorrow as a cancer breeds in a diseased organism. + +He who has never been in a position similar to mine cannot understand +it. I knew that from love's entanglements spring various sufferings, +but I did not appreciate those sufferings. I did not believe they were +so real and so difficult to bear. Only now I understand the difference +between "knowing" and "believing," and the meaning of the French +thinker's words: "We know we must die, but we do not believe it." + + +12 July. + +To-day my pulses are beating wildly, and there is a singing in my +ears; for something has occurred the memory of which thrills every +nerve as in a fever. The day was very beautiful, the evening more +lovely still, and there was a full moon. We resolved to make an +excursion to Hofgastein,--all but Pani Celina, who preferred to remain +at home. My aunt, Kromitzki, and I went down together to the villa +gate, whence Kromitzki sped towards Straubinger's to order a carriage, +my aunt and I waiting for Aniela, who lingered behind. As she did not +come I went back and saw her descending the winding staircase leading +from the second floor into the garden. + +As the moon was on the other side, this part of the house was wrapped +in darkness, and Aniela came down very slowly. There was a moment when +my head was on a level with Aniela's feet. The temptation was too +great; I put my hands gently around them and pressed my lips to +them. I knew I should have to pay a heavy penalty for this minute of +happiness, but I could not forego it. God knows with what reverence I +touched her feet, and for how much pain this moment compensated me. +But for Aniela's resistance I should have put her foot upon my head +in token that I was her servant and her slave. She drew back and went +upstairs again but I ran down calling out loudly, so that my aunt +could hear me:-- + +"Aniela is coming, coming." + +Nothing remained for her now but to come down again, which she could +do safely, as I had remained near the gate. At the same moment +Kromitzki arrived with the carriage. Aniela coming up to us said:-- + +"I came to ask you, aunty, to let me stop at home. I would rather not +leave mamma alone. You can go, and I will wait for you with the tea." + +"But Celina is quite well," replied my aunt, with a shade of annoyance +in her voice, "it was she who proposed the excursion, mainly for your +sake." + +"Yes, but--" began Aniela. + +Kromitzki came up, and hearing what was the matter, said sharply: +"Please do not raise any difficulties." And Aniela, without saying a +word, took her seat in the carriage. + +In spite of my emotion I was struck by Kromitzki's tone of voice and +Aniela's silent obedience,--all the more as I had already noticed that +his manners towards her during the day had been those of a man who +is displeased. There was evidently the same reason, of which I knew +nothing, at the bottom of this, and of the estrangement some time ago. +But there was no room now for these reflections; the fresh memory of +the kiss I had imprinted on her feet still overpowered my senses. I +felt a great delight and joy, not unmixed with fear. I could account +for the delight because I felt it every time I only touched her hand. +But why the joy? Because I saw that the immaculate Aniela could not +escape from me altogether, and must needs confess to herself: "I am on +the downward path too, and cannot look people in the face; he was at +my feet a moment ago, the man who loves me, and I am obliged to be his +accomplice and cannot go to my husband and tell him to take me hence." +I knew she could not do this without creating a commotion; and if she +could, she would not do it, for fear of an encounter between me and +Kromitzki,--"And who knows for whom she is most afraid?" something +within me whispered. + +Aniela's position is indeed a difficult one, and I, knowing this, take +advantage of it without more scruples than are admitted by a general +in time of war who attacks the enemy at his weakest point. I asked +myself whether I would do the same if Kromitzki would make me +personally responsible; and as I could conscientiously say "Yes," I +thought there was no need for any further consideration. Kromitzki +inspires me with fear only in so far as he has power to remove Aniela +and put her out of my reach altogether. The very thought makes me +desperate. But at this moment, in the carriage, I only feared Aniela. +What will happen to-morrow? How will she take it? As a liberty, or as +a mere impulse of respect and worship? + +I felt as a dog may feel that has done wrong and is afraid of being +whipped. Sitting opposite Aniela, I tried at moments when the moon +shone on her face to read there what was to be my sentence. I looked +at her so humbly and was so meek that I pitied myself, and thought she +too ought to pity me a little. But she did not look at me at all, and +listened or seemed to listen attentively to what Kromitzki was telling +my aunt he would do if Gastein belonged to him. My aunt only nodded, +and he repeated every moment: "Now, really, don't you think I am +right?" It is evident that he wants to impress my aunt with his +enterprising spirit, and to convince her that he is capable of making +a shilling out of every penny. + +The road to Hofgastein, hewn out of the rocks, skirting the +precipices, winds and twists around the mountain slopes. The light +of the moon shone alternately on our faces and those of the ladies +opposite, according to the varying directions of the road. In Aniela's +face I saw nothing but a sweet sadness, and I took courage from the +fact that it was neither stern nor forbidding. I did not obtain +a single glance, but I comforted myself by the thought that when +concealed in the shadow, she would perhaps look at me and say to +herself: "Nobody loves me as he does, and nobody can be at the same +time more unhappy than he,"--which is true. We were both silent. Only +Kromitzki kept on talking; his voice mingled with the rush of the +waters below the rocks and the creaking of the brake, which the driver +often applied. This creaking irritated my nerves very much, but the +warm, transparent night lulled them into restfulness again. It was, +as I said before, full moon; the bright orb had risen above +the mountains, and sailing through space illumined the tops of +Bocksteinkogl, the Tischlkar glaciers, and the precipitous slopes +of the Graukogl. The snow on the heights shone with a pale-green, +metallic lustre, and as the mountain sides below were shrouded in +darkness, the snowy sheen seemed to float in mid air, as if not +belonging to the earth. There was such a charm, such peace and +restfulness in these sleeping mountains, that involuntarily the words +of the poet came into mind:-- + + "At such a moment, alas! two hearts are grieving. + What there is to forgive, they are forgiving; + What was to be forgot, they dismiss to oblivion." + +And yet what is there to forgive? That I kissed her feet? If she were +a sacred statue she could not be offended by such an act of reverence. +I thought if it came to an explanation between us I would tell her +that. + +I often think that Aniela does me a great wrong, not to say that she +calls things by wrong names. She considers my love a mere earthly +feeling, an infatuation of the senses. I do not deny that it is +composed of various threads, but there are among them some as purely +ideal as if spun of poetry. Very often my senses are lulled to sleep, +and I love her as one loves only in early youth. Then the second self +within me mocks, and says derisively: "I had no idea you could love +like a schoolboy or a romanticist!" Yet such is the fact. I may be +ridiculous, but I love her thus, and it is not an artificial feeling. +It is this which makes my love so complete, and at the same time so +sad; for Aniela misconstrues it and cannot enter into its spirit. Even +now I inwardly spoke to her thus: "Do you think there are no ideal +chords in my soul? At this moment I love you in such a way that you +may accept my love without fear. It would be a pity to spurn so much +feeling; it would cost you nothing, and it would be my salvation. +I could then say to myself: 'This is my whole world; within its +boundaries I am allowed to live. It would be something at least. I +would try to change my nature, try to believe in what you believe, and +hold fast to it all my life.'" + +It seemed to me that she ought to agree to such a proposition, after +which there would be everlasting peace between us. I promised myself +to put it before her, and once we know that our souls belong to each +other we may even part. There awoke within me a certain hope that she +will agree to this, for she must understand that without it both our +lives will remain miserable. + +It was nine o'clock when we arrived at Hofgastein. It was very quiet +and still in the village. Only the Gasthaus was lighted, and before +Meger's some excellent voices were singing mountain airs. I thought of +asking the serenaders to sing before our window, but I found they were +not villagers; they were Viennese mountaineers, to whom one could +not offer money. I bought two bunches of edelweiss and other Alpine +flowers, and giving one to Aniela I accidentally, as it were, +unloosened the other and the flowers fell under her feet. + +"Let them lie there," I said, seeing she was stooping to pick them up. +I went in search of some more flowers for my aunt. When I came back I +heard Kromitzki say:-- + +"Even here at Hofgastein, by erecting another branch establishment, +one could easily make a hundred per cent." + +"You are still hammering at the same subject," I said quietly. I said +this on purpose; it was the same as to say to Aniela: "See, while my +whole being is occupied with you he thinks of nothing but how to make +money. Compare our feelings; compare us with each other." I am almost +certain she understood my meaning. + +On the return journey I made several attempts to draw Aniela into +general conversation, but did not succeed. When we arrived at the gate +of the villa Kromitzki went upstairs with the ladies, and I remained +behind to pay for the carriage. When I went up I did not find Aniela +at tea. My aunt said she had gone to bed and seemed very tired. +A great uneasiness got hold of me, and I reproached myself for +tormenting her. There is nothing more crushing for the man who loves +truly than the consciousness that he is bringing unhappiness on her he +loves. We took our tea in silence, for my aunt was drowsy, Kromitzki +seemed depressed, and I tormented myself more and more with anxious +thoughts. "She must have taken it very much to heart," I thought, "and +as usual has put upon it the worst construction." I expected she would +avoid me the next day and consider our treaty of peace broken by that +rash act of mine. This filled me with fear, and I resolved to go, or +rather to escape, the next day to Vienna; firstly, because I dreaded +meeting Aniela, secondly, because I wanted to see Doctor Chwastowski; +and finally, I thought,--and God knows how bitter is the thought,--to +relieve her of my presence for a few days and give her rest. + + +15 July. + +A whole budget of events. I do not know where to begin, as the last +sensations are the uppermost. Never yet had I such convincing proofs +that she cares for me. It will cost me no small effort to put +everything down in proper order. I am now almost sure Aniela will +agree to the conditions I am going to propose to her. My head is still +in a whirl; but I will try to start from the beginning. + +I have been in Vienna and brought some news I am going to discuss with +my aunt. I have seen Chwastowski. What a fine fellow he is!--works at +the hospitals, is busy upon a series of hygienic articles his brother +is to publish in three-penny booklets for the people, belongs to +several medical and non-medical associations, and still finds time for +various gay entertainments on the Kaerthner Strasse. I do not know +when he finds time to sleep. And the fellow looks like a giant from a +fair. What an exuberance of life!--he seems literally brimming over +with life. I told him without any preliminaries what had brought me to +Vienna. + +"I do not know," I said, "whether you are aware that my aunt and I +possess considerable capital. We are not obliged to speculate, but +if we could invest our money in some enterprise where it would bring +profit, the profit would be so much gain for the country. I suppose if +at the same time we could render a service to Pan Kromitzki it would +be a two-fold gain. Between ourselves, he is personally indifferent to +us, but he is by his marriage connected with our family. We should be +glad to help him provided we can do so without running any risk." + +"And you would like to know how he stands in his affairs, sir?" + +"Yes, I should. He seems very sanguine in his hopes, and no doubt +believes himself to be right. The question is whether he does not +delude himself. Therefore if your brother has written you anything +without binding you to secrecy I should like to know what he says. You +might also ask him to give me an exact statement as to their business +transactions. My aunt relies upon you, considering that the relations +which connect us with your family are of a much older standing than +those connecting her with Kromitzki." + +"All right; I will let my brother know about it. He mentioned +something in one of his letters, but as it does not interest me very +much I did not take notice of it at the time." + +Saying this, he began to search in his desk among his papers, where +he found it easily and then read aloud: "'I am heartily tired of the +place. No women here worth talking about, and not a pretty one in the +whole lot.'" He laughed. "No, that's not what I wanted. He would like +to be in Vienna." Turning over a page he handed it to me, but I found +only these few lines:-- + +"As to Kromitzki, his speculation in oil has turned out a failure. +With the Rothschilds a struggle is impossible, and he went against +them. We had to get out of it as well as we could, but lost a deal +of money. We have got a monopoly in the contract business; there are +immense profits to be made, but there is also a considerable risk. It +all depends upon the honesty of the people we deal with. We treat them +fairly and trust to luck. But money is wanted, because the government +pays us at stated terms, and we have to pay money down, and besides +that, often receive bad material. I have to look at present after +everything myself." + +"We will furnish the money," I said, when I had finished reading. + +On the way back to Gastein I thought it over and my better instincts +prevailed. "Let the future take care of itself," I thought; and in +the mean while would it not be more simple and more honest to help +Kromitzki instead of ruining him? Aniela would appreciate such an act, +and my disinterestedness would win her approval; and as to the future, +let Providence decide about that. + +But would it be an act of disinterestedness on my part? Reflecting +upon it, I found that my own selfish views had a great deal to do with +it. Thus I foresaw that Kromitzki, getting hold of the money, would +leave Gastein immediately and release me from the torments his +presence near Aniela gives me. Aniela would remain alone, surrounded +by my devotion, with gratitude in her heart for me, resentment or even +indignation towards Kromitzki because he had availed himself of my +offer. I seemed to see new horizons opening before me. But above all, +and at whatever cost, I wanted to get free of Kromitzki's presence. + +I thought so much of my future relation to Aniela that I arrived +at Lend-Gastein before I was aware of it. At Lend I found a great +commotion. A railway accident had happened on the branch line of Zell +am See, and the place was full of wounded people; but scarcely had +I taken my seat in the carriage when the impression the killed and +wounded had made upon me gave way to the thoughts that occupied me so +exclusively. I saw clearly that some change must take place in our +relation, that the present state could not be prolonged indefinitely +without doing mischief to both of us and bringing us both to such a +pass that it would be better for me to roll down the precipice there +and then and make an end of it at once. + +Aniela, though she does not yield in the least, must needs be +distracted in her mind by the continual presence of that forbidden +love. It is true she does not give me any encouragement, but now and +then I kiss her hands, her feet; she is compelled to listen to words +of love, obliged to have secrets from her husband and her mother, and +always control herself and me lest I might overstep the boundary. Life +under such conditions becomes unbearable to us both. It must undergo +some change. At last I had found, I thought, a solution of the +problem. Let Aniela frankly admit that she loves me, and say to me: +"I am yours heart and soul, and will be yours forever; but let that +satisfy you. If you agree to that our souls henceforth will be as +one and belong to each other forever." And I bound myself to her. I +fancied I was taking her hand and saying: "I take you thus and promise +not to seek for anything more, promise that our relations will remain +purely spiritual, but as binding as those of husband and wife." + +Is such an agreement feasible, and will it put an end to our sorrow? +For me it is a renunciation of all my hopes and desires, but it +creates for me a new world in which Aniela will be mine. Besides that, +it will make our love a legitimate right; and I would give my very +health if Aniela would agree to it. I see in this another proof of the +earnestness of my love, and how I wish her to be mine; I am ready to +pay any price, accept any restrictions, provided she acknowledges her +love. + +I began to think intently whether she would agree. And it seemed to me +she would. I heard myself speaking to her in a persuasive, irrefutable +manner:-- + +"Since you really love me, what difference can it make to you if you +tell me so with your own lips? What can there be nobler, holier than +the love I ask you for? I have surrendered to you my whole life, +because I could not do otherwise. Ask your own conscience, and it +will tell you that you ought to do this much for me. It is the same +relation as Beatrice's to Dante. Angels love each other in that way. +You will be near me, as near as one soul can be to another, and yet as +distant as if you dwelt on the highest of heights. That it is a +love above all earthly loves is all the more a reason for your not +rejecting it; carried on the wings of such a love your soul will +remain pure; it will save me and bring peace and happiness to both of +us." + +I felt within me a boundless wealth of this almost mystic love, and a +belief that this earthly chrysalis would come forth in another world a +butterfly, which, detached from all earthly conditions would soar from +planet to planet, till it became united to the spirit of All-Life. For +the first time the thought crossed my mind that Aniela and I may pass +away as bodies, but our love will survive and even be our immortality. +"Who knows," I thought, "whether this be not the only existing form +of immortality?"--because I felt distinctly that there is something +everlasting in my feeling, quite distinct from the ever changing +phenomena of life. A man must love very deeply to be capable of such +feelings and visions; he must be very unhappy, and perhaps close on +the brink of insanity. I am not yet on that brink, but I am close upon +mysticism, and never so happy as when I thus lose myself and scatter +my own self, so that I have some difficulty in finding it again. I +fully understand why this is the case. My dualism, my inward criticism +shattered all the foundations of my life, together with the happiness +these foundations would have given me. In those lands where, instead +of syllogisms, visions and dim consciousness reign paramount, +criticism finds no room; and this solution gives me rest and relief. + +Thus I rested when I drew near Gastein. I saw myself and Aniela wedded +spiritually and at peace. I had the proud consciousness that I had +found a way out of the enchanted circle and into happiness. I was +certain Aniela would give me her hand, and thus together we would +begin a new life. + +Suddenly I started as if waking from a dream, and saw that my hand was +covered with blood. It appeared that the same vehicle I was travelling +in had been used to transport some of the injured victims of the +railway disaster. There was a deal of blood at one side of the seat, +which the driver had not noticed or had forgotten to wipe off. My +mysticism does not go so far as to create belief in the intervention +of mysterious powers through omens, signs, or predictions. Yet, though +not superstitious myself, I am able to enter the train of thought of a +superstitious man, and consequently observe the singular coincidence +of this fact. It seemed to me strange that in the carriage where I +dreamed about the beginning of a new life some other life had perhaps +breathed its last; also that with bloodstained hands I had been +thinking of peace and happiness. + +Coincidences like these more or less influence nervous persons, not by +filling them with presentiments, but rather by throwing a dark shadow +upon all their thoughts. Undoubtedly mine would have travelled in that +direction had I not been close upon Wildbad. Slowly crawling up the +hill I saw another carriage coming down at an unusual speed. "There +will be another collision," I thought, as on the steep road it is very +difficult for two carriages to pass each other. But at the same moment +the driver of the vehicle put on the brake with all his strength, and +the horses went at a slow pace. Suddenly, to my great astonishment, I +recognized in the inmates of the carriage my aunt and Aniela. They, +too, had caught sight of me; and Aniela cried out:-- + +"It is he! Leon! Leon!" + +In an instant I was at their side. My aunt fell upon my neck, and +repeated, "God has been good to us!" and breathed as rapidly as if she +had been running all the way from Wildbad. Aniela had clutched my hand +and held it fast; then all at once a terrible fear shone in her face, +and she cried out:-- + +"You are wounded?" + +I understood at once what was the matter, and said,-- + +"Not in the least. I was not at the accident at all. I got the blood +on my hand from the carriage, which had been used for the wounded." + +"Is it true, quite true?" + +"Quite true." + +"What train was it that was wrecked?" asked my aunt. + +"The train coming from Zell am See." + +"Oh, good God! A telegram came to say it was the Vienna train. It +almost killed me. Oh, God, what happiness! Praise be to God!" + +My aunt began wiping the perspiration from her face. Aniela was as +white as a sheet. She released my hand, and turned her head aside to +hide her tears and twitching mouth. + +"We were alone in the house," continued my aunt. "Kromitzki had gone +with some Belgians to Nassfeld. The landlord came and told us about +the accident on the line, and you can well imagine what state I was +in, knowing you were coming by that same line. I sent the landlord at +once for a carriage, and this dear child would not let me go alone. +What a terrible time it has been for us! Thank God, we escaped with a +mere fright. Did you see the wounded?" + +I kissed my aunt's and Aniela's hands, and told them what I had seen +at Lend-Gastein. It appeared that the telegram sent to the Kurhaus was +thus expressed: "Railway accident at Lend-Gastein; many killed and +wounded." From which everybody concluded that the calamity had +happened on the Vienna-Salzburg line. + +I gave them a few fragmentary details of what I had seen. I did not +think much of what I was saying, as my head was full of the one joyful +thought: "Aniela could not wait for news at home, and preferred to +come with my aunt and meet me!" Did she do this for my aunt's sake? +Most assuredly not. I saw the trouble in her face, the sudden terror +when she noticed the blood on my hand, and the lighting up of her +whole countenance when she heard I had not been near the place at the +time of the accident. I saw she was still so deeply moved as to be +inclined to weep from sheer happiness. She would have burst into tears +if at that moment I had taken her hands and told her how I loved her, +and would not have snatched them away. And as all this was as clear as +the day, it seemed to me that my torments were about to end, and that +from that moment the dawn of another life had begun. From time to time +I looked at her with eyes in which I concentrated all my power of +love, and she smiled at me. I noticed that she was without gloves +or mantle. She had evidently forgotten them in her haste and +perturbation. As it had grown rather chilly, I wanted to wrap her in +my overcoat. She resisted a little, but my aunt made her accept it. + +When we arrived at the villa Pani Celina met me with as much +overflowing tenderness and delight as if Aniela in case of my death +had not been the next of kin, and heiress to the Ploszow estate. Such +noble, disinterested women are not often met with in this world. I +would not guarantee that Kromitzki when he comes to hear about it may +not utter a discreet sigh, and think that the world would go on quite +as well if there were no Ploszowskis. + +Kromitzki returned very tired and cross. The Belgians he had met, and +with whom he had gone to Nassfeld, were capitalists from Antwerp. He +spoke of them as idiots who were satisfied to get three per cent. for +their capital. He said when parting for the night that he wished to +talk with me in the morning about some important matter. Formerly I +should have disliked the idea of this, for I suppose he will make some +financial proposition. Now I almost wished to get it over at once; but +I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, with my happiness, and with +Aniela in my heart and soul. I pressed her hand at good-night as a +lover might, and she returned a warm pressure. + +"Are you really and truly mine?" I said inwardly. + + +16 July. + +I had scarcely finished dressing in the morning when my aunt came +into my room, and after wishing me good-morning said, without any +preface,-- + +"While you were away Kromitzki made me a proposal to enter into +partnership with him." + +"And what answer did you give him?" + +"I refused point-blank. I said to him: 'My dear cousin, thank God, I +have as much as I want; and after my death Leon will be one of the +wealthiest men in the country. Why should we rush into adventures and +tempt Providence? If you make millions in your enterprises, it will be +a good thing for you; if you lose your money, why should we lose ours +with you? I do not know anything about these things, and am not in the +habit of undertaking what I know nothing about.' Was I right?" + +"Very much so." + +"That is just what I wanted to talk over with you, and I am glad you +look at it from the same point of view. You see, he was a little +offended that I called his enterprises adventures; he explained +everything to me, nevertheless, and told me what prospects he had for +the future. Then I asked him, straight out, why he wanted a partner, +since everything was going on so well. He replied that the more money +was put into the concern the greater would be the profit; that out +there everything was done on a great scale, and he would rather the +family shared the profits than strangers. I thanked him for his +family sympathies, but repeated my refusal. I saw that he was greatly +disappointed. He began to grumble that nobody in the country had any +brains for business; all they were capable of was to spend what they +had got. He said in plain words that it was a social crime not to use +one's capital to a better purpose. Thereupon I became very angry. 'My +good friend,' I said, 'I have managed my estate I dare say in woman +fashion, but I have not lost any money; rather I have increased my +property; and as to social crimes, if anybody has the right to speak +of that, it is certainly not you, who sold Gluchow. If you wanted to +hear the truth, you hear it now. If you had not sold Gluchow, I should +have trusted you more. As to your enterprises, it is not only I that +know nothing about them, but others too are equally in the dark; one +thing is quite clear to me, and that is that if your prospects were as +brilliant as you make them out, you would not be in search of partners +or feel hurt at my refusal. You want a partner because you cannot do +without; you have not dealt openly with me, and that I dislike more +than anything else.'" + +"What did he say to that?" + +"He said that he could not understand why he should be held +responsible for the sale of Gluchow. It was not he who had let the +estate slip through his fingers; it had been slipping gradually +through the hands of those that had administered it badly, and it +was their thoughtlessness and lavishness that had made the sale +indispensable. Aniela when she married him had nothing but debts. He +had saved out of the wreck more than anybody else could have done, and +now instead of gratitude he met with reproaches and--wait a bit, what +word did he use?--yes, and 'pathetic declamations.'" + +"It is not true," I said; "Gluchow could have been saved." + +"I said the same to him, and also that upon Gluchow I would have lent +him the money. 'You might have sent me word through Aniela,' I said +to him, 'about the sale, or told her to talk it over with me, and God +knows, I would have made any sacrifice to save the property. But such +is your method,--not to let anybody know what you are doing. We all +believed in your millions, and that is the reason I never dreamed of +offering you any pecuniary help.' He laughed ironically. 'Aniela,' +he said, 'is too great a lady and far too lofty to stoop to interest +herself in the details of her husband's business. I asked her twice to +speak to you about the partnership, and both times she refused most +decidedly. It is very easy to speak about saving Gluchow when the +opportunity is gone. Judging by the reception I have met with to-day, +I am entitled to believe that it would have been the same about +Gluchow.'" + +I had begun to listen with the greatest interest, for now I saw +clearly what had led to the estrangement between Kromitzki and Aniela. +My aunt continued:-- + +"When I heard that I said: 'Now you see how little sincerity there +is in what you told me. At first you said that you proposed the +partnership in order that the family might derive the benefit of it, +in preference to strangers, and now it turns out that you want it for +your own sake.' He is not wanting in cleverness, and therefore replied +at once that in this kind of affairs the gain was on both sides, and +that naturally it was a matter of concern to him to have as much +capital at his disposition as he could get; for in this kind of +business the larger the basis it rested upon, the more certain the +profit. 'Besides that,' he said, 'taking Aniela without any money I +thought I might count upon the support of the family, at least in +a case like this, when the help would turn out a clear gain to the +family.' He was very cross, especially when I told him he had not +taken Aniela without anything, as it had always been my intention to +give her the life interest of a certain sum." + +"You told him that?" + +"Yes. I told him all that was uppermost in my mind. 'I love Aniela,' I +said, 'as if she were my own child; and for that very reason, to make +her safe, I will not leave her the principal, but a life interest. The +principal might be swallowed up in your speculations, which may turn +out God knows how; and an annual income will give Aniela the means +of a decent establishment. The principal,' I said, 'will go to your +children, if you have any, after Aniela's death; and that is all I +intend to do,--which of course does not exclude any smaller services I +may be able to render you.'" + +"And that ended the conversation?" + +"Almost. I saw he was very much upset. I fancy he was especially angry +because I promised a life interest to Aniela instead of a round sum +down, as it shows how little I trust him. When going away he said that +for the future he would look for partners among strangers, as he could +not meet with less good-will, and might find a better understanding of +business matters. I meekly accepted this reproach. Yesterday he went +for an excursion with the Belgians and came back discontented, I +suppose he tried it on with them and met with a disappointment. Do you +know what I think, Leon? His business is shaky, since he is so anxious +to get partners. And I may tell you that the thought troubles me; for +if such be the case common-sense tells us not to have anything to do +with his affairs; and yet the simplest family duty bids us to help +him, if only for Aniela's sake. That is one reason why I was so +anxious to talk it over with you." + +"His affairs are not in such a desperate state as you think, aunty." +And I told her what I had heard from Chwastowski, and guessed long ago +from Kromitzki's manner, namely, that he was in want and looking about +for capital. I added that it was mainly to inquire about the state of +his affairs that I had gone to Vienna. + +My aunt was delighted with my tactics and perspicacity; and walking up +and down the room according to her habit she muttered to herself, "He +is a genius in everything." She finally decided to leave everything in +my hands, and to act as I thought best. Upon this, she went below, and +I, after perusing yesterday's papers for half an hour, followed her. + +I found the whole company gathered round the breakfast table, and one +glance was sufficient to tell me that something unusual had taken +place. Aniela looked frightened, Pani Celina troubled, and my aunt was +flushed with anger. Only Kromitzki was quietly reading the paper, but +he looked cross, and his face was as yellow as if he had been ill. + +"Do you know," said my aunt, pointing at Aniela, "what news she has +brought me as a morning's greeting?" + +"No, what is it?" I said, sitting down at the table. + +"Nothing more nor less than that in two weeks, Celina's health +permitting, they are both going to Odessa or somewhere farther still." + +If a thunderbolt had fallen in the middle of the table, I could not +have been more startled. My heart sank within me. I looked at Aniela, +who had grown very red, as if caught in the act of committing a wrong +deed, and at last asked, "Where are they going? why?" + +"They give me a deal of trouble at Ploszow, you know," said my aunt, +imitating Aniela's voice. "They do not want to be a burden to me, the +charitable souls. They evidently think I yearn after solitude; and in +case you went away too, it would be ever so much better, more cheerful +for me, to be by myself in that big house. They have discussed this +all the night, instead of sleeping like other respectable people." + +My aunt waxed angrier still, and turning upon Kromitzki asked: "Did +you preside at that debate?" + +"Not at all," he replied; "I was never even consulted. But if my wife +has resolved to go, I suppose it is in order to be nearer me, for +which I ought to feel grateful." + +"There is nothing settled yet," remarked Aniela. + +I, forgetting all precautions, looked steadily at her, but she did not +lift her eyes; which convinced me all the more that I was the cause +of this sudden resolve. I cannot find words to express what I felt +at that moment, and what deadly bitterness suffused my heart. Aniela +knows perfectly that I live for her only, exist through her; that all +my thoughts belong to her, my actions have only her in view; that she +is to me an issue of life and death; and in spite of all that she +calmly decides to go away. Whether I should perish or beat my head +against the wall, she never so much as considered. She will be more at +ease when she ceases to see me writhing like a beetle stuck on a pin; +she will be no longer afraid of my kissing her feet furtively, or +startling that virtuous conscience. How can she hesitate when such +excellent peace can be got, at so small a price as cutting somebody's +throat! Thoughts like these spun across my brain by thousands. I felt +a bitter taste in my mouth. "You are virtuous," I said inwardly to +Aniela, "because you have no heart. If a dog attached himself to you +as I am attached, something would be due to him. You have never shown +me any indulgence, or any spark of pity; you have never confessed to +me any tender feeling, and you have taken from me what you could. +If you were able, you would deprive me of your presence +altogether,--although you had the certainty that if I could not see +you my eyes would perish forever. But I begin to understand you now, +begin to see that your inflexibility is so great because your heart is +so small. You are cold and unfeeling, and your virtue is nothing +but an enormous egoism, that wants above everything to be left +undisturbed, and for that peace is capable of sacrificing all else." + +During the whole time of breakfast I did not say a word. When alone +in my own room I held my head with both hands and with a weary, +over-wrought brain, began to think again of what had happened. My +thoughts were still very bitter. Women of narrow hearts often remain +unyielding through a certain philistinism of virtue. The first thing +with them is to keep their accounts in order, like any tradesman. They +fear love, as the grocer fears street-risings, war, riots, exalted +ideas, and audacious flights of fancy. Peace at any price, because +peace is good for business. Everything that rises above the rational +and commonplace standard of life is bad, and deserves the contempt of +reasonable beings. Virtue has its heights and precipices, but also its +level plains. + +I now struggled with the exceedingly painful question whether Aniela +did not belong to that kind of commonplace virtuous women, who want to +keep their accounts in order, and reject love because it reaches above +the ordinary standard of their hearts and minds. I searched in the +past for proofs. "Who knows," I said to myself, "whether her simple +ethical code is not resting upon such a foundation?" I had believed +her to be one of those exceptional natures, different from all other +women, inaccessible as the snowy heights of the Alps that without any +slope soar straight heavenward. And now this lofty nature considers it +the most proper thing that a husband in slippers should trample on +those snows. What does it all mean? Whenever thoughts like these crowd +my brain I feel as if I were on the brink of madness; such a rage +seizes me that if I could I would throw down, trample, and spit upon +the forces of life, reduce the whole world to chaos and obliterate its +existence. On my journey back from Vienna I was searching for some +unearthly abode where I might love Aniela even as Dante loved +Beatrice. I built it of the sufferings from which as from fire my love +had risen purified, of my renunciations and sacrifices, and thought +that in a superhuman, simply angelic way she would be mine, and feel +that she belonged to me. And now it came into my thoughts that it was +not worth while to speak about it, as she would not understand me; not +worth while leading her on to those heights, as she would not be able +to breathe there. She might agree, in her soul, that I should go on +loving her, go on suffering, since that flatters her vanity; but no +compact, no union the most spiritual, no mutual belonging even in +the Dantesque meaning,--to none of these will she agree, because she +understands only one belonging and one right, which is expressed in a +man's dressing-gown, and her soul cannot rise above the narrow, mean, +matrimonial, book-keeping spirit. + +I felt an overwhelming regret that I had not been in the wrecked +train. The regret was as much the result of physical exhaustion as +of Aniela's cruelty. I was tired, as one who has watched night after +night at the sick bed of a very dear friend, and to whom death appears +as a desired rest. And then I thought that if they had brought my +mangled remains to Gastein something would perhaps have stirred in +her. Thinking of this I suddenly remembered yesterday's Aniela, who +went with my aunt in search of me. I recalled to my mind the sudden +terror and the joy close upon it, those eyes full of tears, the +disordered hair; and love immeasurable, love a hundred times more real +than all my thoughts and reasonings took possession of me. It was +like a great convulsive motion of the heart, which almost at once +got buried in a wave of doubts. All I had noticed that day might be +explained upon quite different grounds. Who knows whether it was I +or my aunt who played the principal part in this emotion? Besides +impressionable women have always a store of sympathy at command, +even for the merest stranger. What more natural than that she should +exhibit some feeling when he who was threatened by some danger was a +relative? She would naturally be horrified at the thought of my death, +and rejoice at seeing me alive. If, instead of her, Pani +Sniatynska had been staying with my aunt, she too would have been +terror-stricken, and I should have seen her without her gloves, and +her hair in disorder. No, in regard to that I cannot delude myself any +longer. Aniela knew very well that her departure would be to me a more +dangerous catastrophe than a wound on my head or the loss of an arm or +leg; and yet she did not hesitate a moment. I was perfectly aware that +it was all her doing. She wanted to be near her husband, and what +would become of me was not taken into account. + +Again I felt myself growing pale with anger, hatred, and indignation, +and only one step removed from madness. "Stop a little," I said to +myself, pressing both hands against my temples; "perhaps she is +seeking safety in flight because she loves you, and feels she cannot +resist any longer." Ah me! and these thoughts sprung up, but they did +not find any congenial soil and perished like the seed sown on a rock; +they only roused a bitter, despairing irony. "Yes," something said +within me, "hers is a love resembling the compassion which makes +people remove the pillow from under the dying man's head, to shorten +his agony. I shall not suffer much longer, and Kromitzki will be able +to see her often and bring her such comfort as a wife expects from her +husband." + +Aniela at that moment was hateful to me. For the first time in my +life I wished she really loved Kromitzki; she would have been less +repugnant to me. Anger and resentment almost deprived me of my senses, +and I saw clearly that if I did not do something, revenge myself upon +her in some way, something terrible would happen to me. I jumped up, +and under the influence of that thought, as if touched by a red-hot +iron, I took my hat and went forth in search of Kromitzki. I did +not find him either in the house or in the garden. I went to the +Wandelbahn, then to the reading-rooms; he was in neither of the two +places. I stopped for a moment on the bridge near the Cascades, +thinking what to do next. The wind coming from that direction blew a +cloud of spray into my face. This caused me a pleasant sensation and +relieved the tension of my nerves. I bared my head and exposed it to +the spray until my hair was quite wet. I felt a purely animal delight +in the coolness. I had regained all my self-possession. There remained +now only the distinct and decided wish to thwart Aniela. I said to +her, "You shall not be allowed to go away, and henceforth I will treat +you as a man who has paid for you with his money." I saw the way clear +before me, and was not afraid of making any mistakes in dealing with +Kromitzki. I found him outside Straubinger's hotel reading the paper. +When he saw me he dropped his eyeglass and said:-- + +"I was just thinking of going to look for you." + +"Let us go on the Kaiserweg." + +And we went. Not waiting for him to begin, I plunged at once into the +subject. + +"My aunt told me about your conversation with her yesterday," I said. + +"I am very sorry it took place at all," replied Kromitzki. + +"As far as I can judge, you were both not as calm as one ought to be +in treating affairs of that kind. My dear fellow, I will be open with +you, and tell you at once that you do not know my aunt. She is the +dearest woman in the world, but she has one weakness. Possessed of a +great deal of common-sense and shrewdness, she likes to assert them; +therefore any new scheme or proposition is met by her with a certain +almost exaggerated suspicion. For that reason she invariably refuses +at first to have anything to do with it. Chwastowski, her manager, +might tell you something about that. In dealing with her it is always +best to suggest a thing and leave her time to digest it; and besides, +you rubbed her the wrong way, and that makes her always more +determined; a pity you could not have avoided that." + +"But how could I have irritated her? If anybody it is I who should be +able to discuss matters of this kind." + +"You made a mistake in saying that you had married Aniela without a +dowry; she is still very angry about that." + +"I said it when she threw the sale of Gluchow in my teeth. Besides I +only spoke the truth; Gluchow was so encumbered that next to nothing +really belonged to Aniela." + +"Plainly speaking, what induced you to sell that unfortunate estate?" + +"Because by doing so I was able to do a good turn to somebody upon +whom my future career depends to a great extent; besides, he paid more +than I could have got from anybody else." + +"Well, let that pass. My aunt felt all the more hurt as she has some +intentions in regard to Aniela." + +"Yes, I know. She is going to leave her a yearly income." + +"Between ourselves, I tell you that she thinks of no such thing. I +know she spoke to you about a life interest, because she was angry and +wanted to let you feel that she mistrusted your business capacities. I +as her heir ought to know something about her intentions, especially +as she does nothing without consulting me." + +Kromitzki looked at me keenly. "Anything she is doing for Aniela," he +said, "would be against your interest as the heir." + +"Yes, that is so; but I do not spend even my income, consequently I +can speak about it quite calmly. If you cannot explain it any other +way, consider it as a whim of mine. There are such people in the +world. I may tell you that I do not intend to put any limit to my +aunt's generosity, and also that she intends to give Aniela, not the +life interest she spoke about, but the capital. Of course my influence +might turn the scale either way, but I do not intend to exert it +against you." + +Kromitzki squeezed my hand with effusion, and his shoulders moved +exactly like those of a wooden manikin. How repulsive the man is to +me! I suppose he considered me more of a fool than an oddity; but he +believed me, and that was all I wanted. He is quite right as to that, +for I was decided that Aniela should have the capital instead of only +a life interest. I saw that he was consumed with curiosity to know how +much and when; but he understood that it would not do to show his +hand so openly, and therefore remained silent as if from emotion. I +continued:-- + +"You must remember one thing, my aunt wants careful handling. I know +for certain that she means to provide for Aniela; but it all depends +on her will, and even her humor. In the mean while, what is it you +both are doing? Yesterday you made her angry, and to-day Aniela +vexed her still more. As the future heir I ought to rejoice at your +blunders, and not warn you, and yet you see I am doing the opposite. +My aunt was deeply hurt by Aniela's plan, and in her anger turned upon +you, hoping, I fancy, that you would take her side; but you, on the +contrary, supported them!" + +"My dear fellow," said Kromitzki, squeezing my hand again, "I will +tell you openly that I agreed to their plan because I was vexed with +your aunt, and that is the top and bottom of it. There is no sense in +it at all. I cannot stand exaltation, and both these women are full of +it. They always seem to think they ought not to take advantage of your +aunt's hospitality, that they cannot always remain at Ploszow, and so +on, _ad infinitum_. I am heartily sick of it. In the mean while it is +this way: I cannot take them with me to Turkestan, and when I am there +it is all the same to me whether they are at Odessa or at Warsaw. When +I wind up my affairs, with a more than considerable fortune, I hope I +shall give them, of course, an adequate home. That will take place in +a year at the latest. The sale of the business itself will bring in a +considerable sum. If they were not at Ploszow, I should have to look +out for some other place; but since your aunt offers her house and is +pleased to have them, it would be folly not to accept the offer. My +mother-in-law has only just recovered from her illness. Who knows what +might happen in the future? and if things went wrong, Aniela, young +and inexperienced as she is, would be alone with all these troubles. +I simply cannot remain with them; even now I am in a fever to be off, +and only delayed my departure in the hope that I might persuade you or +your aunt into a partnership. Now I have told you all that is in my +mind; and it is your turn to tell me whether I may count upon your +good-will." + +I breathed again. Aniela's scheme was reduced to nothing. I was +delighted because I had got what I wanted. Although my love for Aniela +was akin to deep hatred, it was all I had to live for, and it wanted +food; and this it would get only from Aniela's presence. From +Kromitzki's words I concluded that by one stroke I could gain the most +wished for end,--Kromitzki's departure for an almost unlimited time. +I remained impassive, and thought it more advisable to show myself a +little reluctant. + +"I cannot," I said, "give you any promise beforehand. Tell me first +exactly how you stand." + +He began to talk, and talked with great volubility, showing that once +embarked upon this theme, he felt himself in his proper element. Now +and then he paused to buttonhole me or press me against the rocks. +When he had said something he thought very convincing, he swiftly +screwed his eyeglass into his eye and scrutinized my face to see what +impression he had made upon me. This, added to his voice, which was +like the sound of creaking hinges, and the reiteration of his "what, +what," was very trying to my nerves, but I must render him justice; he +did not try to deceive me. He told me substantially the same things +that I had heard from Chwastowski. The affair stood thus: Great +capital had already been invested in material, the purveying of which +was solely in Kromitzki's hands. The danger of the business consisted +in the fact that the capital already sunk came back to him only after +passing through various official forms, therefore very slowly; and +also in the fact that Kromitzki had to deal with purveyors whose +interest it was to supply him with the very worst materials, for which +he was held responsible. This last point put him more or less at the +mercy of the agency, which besides had the most complete right to +accept only good material. Who knows what complications might arise +from that? After having listened to his statement, which lasted an +hour, I replied:-- + +"My good fellow, considering all you have told me, neither my aunt nor +I can have anything to do with the partnership." + +His countenance fell, and he turned very yellow. "Tell me why," he +said. + +"If you, in spite of cautiousness and care, are in danger of lawsuits, +we will not be mixed up in your affairs." + +"Looking at things in that way, nobody would embark in any business at +all." + +"There is no necessity for us to do so. But supposing we entered into +any partnership, how much would you want us to put into the business?" + +"It is of no use to speak of that now; but if you could have come into +it, let us say with seventy-five thousand roubles--" + +"No, we will not put anything into the business; we do not think it +advisable to do so. But as you are connected with our family, we +will help you in another way. In brief, I will lend you the sum you +mentioned upon a note of hand." + +Kromitzki stopped, looked at me, and blinked as one who is not fully +awake. But this lasted only a moment. He evidently thought it would +not be wise to show too great a delight,--a mercantile caution not at +all necessary, and ridiculous under present circumstances. He only +pressed my hand and said: "Thank you,--at what rate of interest?" + +"We will talk of that later on. I must go back now and talk with my +aunt." + +I said good-by at once. On the way I reflected whether Kromitzki would +not think my acting thus a little curious and open to suspicion. But +it was a vain fear. Husbands are proverbially blind, not because they +love and trust their wives, but because they love themselves. Besides, +Kromitzki, looking at us from his business point of view, considers +me and my aunt as two fantastic beings, who, with little knowledge of +practical matters, stick to antiquated notions about family ties +and duties. He is, indeed, in many respects of such an altogether +different type from us, that we cannot help looking upon him as an +intruder. + +When I came back to the villa I saw Aniela at the gate buying wild +strawberries from a peasant woman. Passing close by, I said roughly, +"You will not go away, because I do not wish it," and then went up +into my room. + +During dinner the conversation again turned upon the departure of the +ladies. This time Kromitzki spoke up and treated the whole thing as a +childish whim, to be laughed at by sensible people. He was not very +considerate either to his wife or his mother-in-law, but then his +nature is not a refined one. I did not say anything,--as if the +question of their going or staying mattered very little to me. But I +noticed that Aniela was conscious that her husband acted as a +mere puppet in my hands, and she felt ashamed for him and deeply +humiliated; but such was the resentment I had towards her that the +sight of it did me good. + +For in truth I was deeply wounded, and I cannot forgive Aniela. If, on +the way from Vienna, I had not thought so much of that new compact, if +I had not made a wholesale sacrifice of all my desires, passions, +and senses, in fact of my whole nature, I should not have felt the +disappointment so acutely. But it fell out so cruelly that, when, out +of love for her, I was ready to change my whole being, when I climbed +to a height I had never reached before, only to be near her, she, +without any consideration or pity for me, wished to push me into the +very depth of despair and without considering for a moment what would +become of me! These thoughts poison even the pleasure afforded by +Kroimitzki's departure. + +The future will bring some kind of solution, but I am too tired to +speculate upon it. The simplest solution would be inflammation of the +brain. It will come to that. I torment myself all the day, do not +sleep at night, smoke endless cigars to stupefy myself, and sit up +till daylight. + + +30 July. + +I have not written in my diary for two weeks. I went; with Kromitzki +to Vienna to conclude his business; after which he remained three days +and then left for the East. I had such violent headaches that I could +not write. Pani Celina's cure is completed, but we still remain at +Gastein because of the great heat. + +Kromitzki's departure was a great relief to me, to Pani Celina,--whom +he irritates to such a degree that if he were not her son-in-law she +could not stand him at all,--and perhaps also to Aniela. The latter +cannot forgive him that he involved me in his affairs. He, not +supposing there could be anything between me and his wife except +social relations, made no secret of the loan. She opposed it +energetically, but could not tell him the reason,--perhaps from a +secret fear that after an explanation he might compel her to remain +where she is, and thus destroy the last shred of respect she has for +him. I am almost sure that since the sale of Gluchow, both she and her +mother distrust him, and in the secrecy of their hearts consider him +worse than he really is. In my opinion he is a spiritual upstart, with +a dry and wooden disposition, and incapable of any fine feeling or +subtle thought. There is no generosity in him; his mind is neither +deep, noble, nor sensitive; but in the general acceptance of the word +he is a decent member of society. A certain natural pedantry aids +him in this, which harmonizes with his money-making neurosis,--a +degenerated imaginativeness seeking expression in financial adventure. +Taking him all in all, he is so intensely repulsive to me--with his +eyeglass, oblique eyes, long legs, and sallow, hairless face--that I +doubt if I am capable of judging him objectively. Nevertheless I am +quite sure that unless he loses his own money I shall not lose mine. +But I put it down, in all sincerity, that I would rather he lost the +money, his senses, his life, and went altogether to perdition. + +I am ill. I have seen very little of Aniela lately,--partly by reason +of my headaches, that kept me confined to my room, and partly because +I wished to let her feel how deeply she had injured and grieved me. +Not to see her cost me great self-denial, for my eyes want her as +they want the light. I have already mentioned that with all her +inflexibility, she has a certain weakness: she cannot bear that +anybody should be angry with her; it frightens her, and she tries +her best to conciliate those that are angry. She is then meek, sweet +tempered, and looks into one's eyes with the pleading expression of a +child who is afraid to be punished. This always moved me deeply and +was my delight, as it kept up the delusion that I had only to open my +arms and she would fall upon my neck, if only to soften my resentment. +I cannot get rid altogether of this delusion, although convinced of +its futility; and even now I cherish some hope in a corner of my +heart that when we come to make it up, something will happen between +us,--she will make a kind of submission and will draw closer to me. On +the other hand I see in this mutual irritation a tacit acknowledgment +on the part of Aniela that I have the right to love her; for if she +admits the resentment springing from love, she must admit the love +itself. It is a shadowy right, dim and vague as a dream, without shape +or substance; yet I cling to it, for it saves me from utter apathy and +hopelessness. + + +2 August. + +I have received another letter from Clara Hilst. She must have divined +something; there is much pity and sympathy in her words, as if she +knew how wretched I am. I do not know and do not want to know, whether +she loves me as a sister or otherwise, I only feel that she loves me. +I answered her letter in the same hearty spirit, grateful for her +friendliness. She is going to Berlin now, and promises her appearance +in Warsaw for the winter. She wants me to come to Berlin, if only for +a few days. I will not go to Berlin, will not part from my troubles, +but shall be glad to see her again at Warsaw. With Aniela I speak only +of indifferent subjects, so as not to draw the attention of the elder +ladies to the state of things between us. When alone we are both +silent. I noticed several times that she was about to say something, +but seemed afraid; as regards myself I could only say, "I love you;" +and even that seems inadequate to express my feelings. + +There is now resentment in my love. The thought is troubling my mind +that she has a narrow heart, and that in this lies the secret of her +unyieldingness. To-day, when I come to think it over more calmly, I go +back to the conviction that she has some feeling for me, composed of +gratitude, pity, and memories of the past; but it has no active power, +cannot rise above prejudice,--even to the avowal of its existence. +It does not respect itself, hides, is ashamed of itself, and in +comparison with mine is as the mustard-seed to those Alps which +surround us. From Aniela one may expect that she will restrict it +rather than let it grow. It is of no use to hope or watch for anything +from her; that conviction makes me very wretched. + + +4 August. + +Some time ago I had a faint hope that under the influence of +indignation against her husband, Aniela might come to me and say: +"Since you have paid for me, I am yours." Another of my delusions. Any +other woman, with exalted notions fed upon French novels, might have +acted thus; or one who wanted only a pretext to throw herself into a +lover's arms. No; Aniela will never do that, and if such a thought +came into my mind at all it is because I too have been fed upon those +pseudo-dramas of the feminine soul, which at bottom illustrate only +the desire to cast virtue adrift. There is but one thing which would +push Aniela into my arms, and that is her heart; but no artificial +scenes, no phrases or false pathos. There is not the slightest +possibility of her yielding to these. + +If it be a great misfortune to love another man's wife, be she ever so +commonplace, it is an infinitely greater misfortune to love a virtuous +woman. There is something in my relations to Aniela of which I never +heard or read; there is no getting out of it, no end. A solution, +whether it be a calamity or the fulfilment of desire, is something, +but this is only an enchanted circle. If she remain immovable and I do +not cease loving her, it will be an everlasting torment, and nothing +else. And I have the despairing conviction that neither of us will +give way. + +If she has a narrow heart it will not trouble her very much. As to +myself I desire nothing more ardently than to get free from bondage; +but I cannot get free. I say to myself, over and over again, that it +must be done; and I put forth all my strength, as the drowning man +does to save himself. At times I fancy that I have achieved some kind +of victory, when lo! I see her passing under my window, my eyes rest +upon her, and I experience a shock in my heart; the whole depth of +my feeling is revealed, as the flash of lightning tears asunder the +clouds and shows the depth of the sky. Ah me! what torture to have to +deal with virtue, cold and merciless as the letter of the law! Even if +Aniela had no heart I should still love her, as a mother would love a +child though it were deformed. Pity then grows all the stronger,--and +so does pain. + + +5 August. + +What an inadequate, mean standard is human intellect when it comes to +measure anything great, awesome, or very lofty. Reason, which serves +well enough in the everyday conditions of life, becomes a drivelling +fool, like Polonius, in exceptional cases. It seems to me that the +usual ethical code cannot be considered a standard by which to measure +great passions. To see in an immense feeling like mine only the +infringement of this or that law, not to see anything else, not to see +that it is an element and part of those higher forces that mock at +empty rules, a godlike, immeasurable, creative power on which rests +the All-Life, is a kind of blindness and littleness. Alas, Aniela thus +looks upon my love! I suppose she often thinks I must respect her for +her conduct; while I--God knows, I do not say it because it concerns +my own fate, but judging her quite impartially--despise her, or at +least try not to despise her for it, and say to her inwardly: "I +should respect you and worship you a thousandfold if you could look +upon the matter differently, not as regards our relations, but as +regards love in general." + + +6 August. + +There is something in Gastein very health-giving. To-day I noticed +that Aniela has gained quite a brown color from the mountain air, and +looks very well; which is all the more noteworthy, as she has had many +troubles and anxieties. One of her troubles was the difference arising +between her and her husband, the humiliation of his accepting a loan +from me, and my love, which distracts her mind and troubles her peace. +Notwithstanding all this, the delicate face is glowing with health. +There is more color in it than before we came here. I recall the +time when she seemed almost to fade away in my eyes. I remember how +horrified I was at the thought that her life might be in danger. +To-day that fear at least has ceased to haunt me. If I knew that in +the future there would be even less pity for me, that my feelings for +her would count for nothing, but that she would be happy and full +of health, I should say: "Let her be pitiless, let her slight my +feelings, provided she be well." In the composition of true feeling, +there is the desire for personal happiness, but there is also tender +thoughtfulness and affection. + +Yesterday Aniela had donned one of her old dresses. I noticed it +at once, and the whole past stood before me. God only knows what a +turmoil there was within me. + + +7 August. + +My aunt has forgiven Aniela long ago. She loves her so much that if +I died she would still have somebody to cling to, provided Aniela +remained. To-day the dear old aunt was lamenting that Aniela had no +amusements, was sitting too much in the house and had seen nothing of +the beautiful scenery around except the road to Hofgastein. "If I were +only stronger on my feet I would go with you everywhere; your +husband ought to have shown you something of the country, and he was +continually tramping about by himself." + +Aniela assured her that she was quite satisfied, and did not want more +exercise. + +"I have nothing to do," said I, in the most careless manner, "and walk +a great deal. I can accompany Aniela wherever she wants to go, +and show her all that is worth seeing,--at least in the nearest +neighborhood." Then I added, in a still more indifferent voice: "It +is considered quite the proper thing. In a place like this mere +acquaintances walk out together, not to say anything about near +relations." + +Aniela did not say anything, but both the elder ladies were unanimous +in their opinion that I was right. To-morrow we are to go to the +Schreckbrücke. + + +8 August. + +We have entered into our compact, and henceforth a new life is to +begin for us both. It is not quite the same as I had shaped it, but +my future life must adapt itself to it. From now, everything will be +clear and definite between us. There will be nothing new, nothing to +be expected or looked out for, but at any rate I shall not be any +longer like a man who has no roof to shelter him. + + +9 August. + +Yesterday towards evening we went to the Schreckbrücke. The elder +ladies accompanied us as far as the Cascades; there they sat down on +the first bench they found, and we two went on alone. We both seemed +to feel that some serious conversation would take place. At first I +wanted to point out to her various places and tell her the names, but +had scarcely mentioned Schareck when it struck me as so incongruous +with the thoughts nearest our hearts that I grew silent. We could talk +only about our two selves, or else remain silent. And we walked on in +silence for a long time; this silence besides was necessary for me, +and gave me time to conquer that restlessness which seizes us when +we approach a great crisis. I got myself so far under control that I +resolved to speak of my love, with calmness and naturally, as if it +were a known and established fact. Experience had taught me that women +can be attuned to any disposition. Nothing influences the feminine +mind so much as the tone of conversation; and if the man in making a +proposal does it with the air of one who expects the earth to swallow +him as soon as he has uttered the words, that is, in terror and the +consciousness that he is doing something quite unheard of, that terror +and that consciousness communicate themselves very quickly to the +woman. Acting in the opposite way, the proposal loses much of its +impressiveness, but it goes smoother and creates less opposition. +Besides, I had already told her of my love; all I wanted now was to +prevent Aniela from going off at a tangent at the first tender word; +in that case conversation would become impossible. It was necessary to +introduce the subject in order to establish our future relations on a +proper basis. Considering all this, I said in a very quiet voice:-- + +"You cannot have the slightest idea how deeply you hurt me by that +project of your departure. I know very well that the reasons you +gave were only ostensible, and that I was the cause of that sudden +resolution. In making your plans you forgot only one thing, and that +is what would become of me. That did not enter into your calculation +at all. Believe me, it was not your departure which would have hurt +me, so much as the thought that I count for nothing in your life. You +might say that you meant it for the best and wanted me to forget you. +Do not try that, for the remedy would be worse than you suppose." + +Aniela's face in an instant was covered with burning blushes. It was +evident that my words had touched her to the quick. I do not know what +she would have said, on the spur of the moment, had not an accident +diverted her attention. Close to the road, there suddenly appeared one +of those cretins so common about Gastein. He was not a pleasant sight, +with that big head, immense goître, and bestial expression of face. He +had risen so suddenly from amid the tall grasses that Aniela screamed +with terror. While she recovered herself and searched for some +money--I had forgotten my purse--several minutes elapsed. During that +time the impression my words had made upon her had grown less +vivid, and as we resumed our walk she said, in a sad voice, full of +inexpressible sweetness:-- + +"You have often been unjust to me, but never more so than now. You +think that it costs me nothing, that I have no heart; and yet I am not +a whit happier than you." + +Her voice seemed to fail, and my pulses began to beat wildly. It +seemed to me that one more effort and I should force from her a +confession. + +"Aniela!" I exclaimed, "for God's sake tell me what you mean!" + +"I mean that since I am unhappy, you must allow me to remain honest. +Dear Leon, I beg you to have pity upon me. You do not know how unhappy +I am! I would sacrifice everything except my honesty. Do not ask me to +give up that last plank of salvation,--because it is not right, one is +not allowed to sacrifice that! Oh, Leon, Leon!" + +She folded her hands and looked at me with eyes veiled by tears, and +her body trembling like an aspen leaf. I do not know, if I had taken +her into my arms she might have died afterwards from shame and sorrow, +but probably she would not have found the strength to resist. But at +that moment I forgot about my own self and saw only her. I threw at +her feet my senses, my passions, and my egoism. What did it all matter +where she was concerned? The beloved woman that defends herself with +tears, tears that do not flow for the sake of keeping up appearances +but from the depth of her sorrow, is invincible. I took both her +hands, kissed them with reverent love, and said:-- + +"It will be as you wish; I swear it upon the love I bear you." + +We both could not speak for some time. To confess the truth, I felt at +this moment a better and nobler man than I had ever been before. I was +like one who has passed the crisis in a severe illness, is still very +weak and exhausted, but glad of the dawning life before him. Presently +I began to talk to her, quietly and gently, not only as a lover but as +the nearest friend, whose main object is the happiness of the being +that belongs to him. + +"You do not want to stray from the right path," I said; "and I will +not lead you astray. You have changed me, and all the sorrows and +sufferings I endure have made a different man of me. Through you I +have come to understand the difference between love and passion. I +cannot promise that I shall cease to love you, for I cannot; I should +lie to you and to myself if I should promise that. I do not say it in +temporary exaltation, but as a man who has looked into his inmost self +and knows what is delusion and what truth. I will love you as if you +were dead,--I will love your soul. Do you agree to that, Aniela dear? +It is a sad love, but angelic. You can accept and return it. I make +my vow of faithfulness this moment, and it is as binding as if it had +been uttered before the altar. I shall never marry another woman; I +shall live for you only, and my soul will be yours. You too will love +me as if I had died. I do not ask for anything else; and you will not +refuse, because there is no sin. You have read Dante? Remember, he too +was married, and he loved Beatrice with the same love I ask from you; +he openly acknowledged the feeling, and the Church holds his poem as +almost a sacred thing. If you have that feeling for me in your heart, +give me your hand, and after that nothing will be able to come between +us or to mar our peace." + +Aniela, after a momentary silence, gave me her hand. "I always had +that friendship for you." she said, "and I promise you from my heart +and soul." + +I winced at the word "friendship," which is too small for me, and does +not express our feelings. But I did not say anything. "The word 'love' +still frightens her," I said to myself; "she will get accustomed to it +by and by;" and since the thing is essentially the same, it was not +worth while to disturb the peace at which we had arrived through +stormy seas of misunderstandings, troubles, and sorrows. We are both +so tired that the rest is welcome and is worth making some little +sacrifices for. + +Besides, it was a mere shadow, that disappeared in the joyful light of +the thought that the dear being belongs to me and is spiritually my +faithful wife. I would have given anything if to a question "Are you +really mine?" she had answered in the affirmative. I would have asked +the question a hundred times a day and never tired of the answer; +but at this moment I did not want to frighten her. I, who can make +allowance for so many things, understand that there are certain words +which, however expressive of the existing state of things they may be, +come with difficulty from a woman's lips,--especially from those of +such a woman as Aniela. Yet every word she said was a confession that +she loves me; and did she not consent that our souls should belong to +each other? What more could I wish for? + +When we had gone as far as the Schreckbrücke, we turned back. On the +way we tried to look at our new position, as people look around a new +house and try to make themselves at home in it. This did not come easy +to either of us at first. Even this pleased me, for it seemed to me +that thus bride and bridegroom would feel a few hours after they were +joined in wedlock, while yet they had not had time to grow accustomed +to each other. Nevertheless I spoke a great deal about us both. I +explained to her the holiness and purity of such a union as ours. I +tried to inspire her with trust and confidence. She listened to +me with a bright, serene countenance, and now and then turned her +beautiful eyes towards me. The serenity of the weather corresponded +with the serenity of our souls. The sun had gone down behind the +mountains; and they shone now in their evening dress of purple. I +offered my arm to Aniela, which she accepted, and so we went together +in the soothing stillness of the evening. Suddenly I noticed that her +step had grown uncertain, as if she were afraid of something, and her +face became very white. It lasted only a minute, but her disturbance +was so evident that I got frightened for her, and began to ask what +had frightened her. + +At first she did not want to tell me, but when I insisted she +confessed reluctantly that the unfortunate cretin had come into her +mind, and that for an instant she had felt afraid he might suddenly +jump up from the roadside. + +"I do not know," she said, "why he should have made such a horrible +impression on me, and feel ashamed to have such silly nerves, but I +would not meet him again for anything in the world." + +I soothed and comforted her, saying that nothing could happen to her +while I was by. She still kept looking uneasily at the roadside, but +presently our conversation dispersed the unpleasant impression. + +It was dusk when we arrived at the Cascades, but the evening was +exceptionally warm. On the square before Straubinger's a great many +people were listening to some strolling harpists. I do not know why +this solitary mountain pass should have reminded me so strongly of +Italy. It recalled to my memory the evenings on the Pincio, when I +thought how happy I could be had I Aniela at my side. I now felt her +arm resting upon mine, and still more felt her soul close to my own. +And thus, full of sweet peacefulness, we returned home. + + +10 August. + +I thought to-day much about what Aniela had said to me on the way to +the Schreckbrücke. I was particularly struck by the exclamation which +burst from her lips: "You do not know how unhappy I am!" There was +such deep sorrow, such a wail in these words, and an involuntary +confession that she does not love her husband, cannot love him; and +also that her heart, in spite of all her efforts, belongs to me. If so +she has been as unhappy as I. I say "has been," because at present she +is not. Now she can say to herself: "I can remain true and keep my +faith; and for the rest, I trust to God." + + +11 August. + +It came into my mind that I had no right to expect Aniela to sacrifice +everything for me. It is not true that one sacrifices everything to +love. If, for instance, I had an encounter with Kromitzki and she +adjured me in the name of our love to ask his pardon on my bended +knees, I would not do it. It is a fantastic, senseless supposition, +yet at the very thought the blood mounts to my head. No, Aniela dear, +you are right; there are things we may not sacrifice even to love. + + +12 August. + +We went in the morning on the Windischgrätzhöhe. It is about three +quarters of an hour on foot, but I got a horse for Aniela, which I led +by the bridle. Walking at her side, I rested my hand on the horse's +neck and at the same time touched her dress. Mounting on the horse's +back, she held on to me for a moment and the old Adam woke up very +strong in me. To kill him, I should have to annihilate my body and +become a spirit. I bound myself to keep my senses and impulses under +control, and I am doing so; but I did not bind myself not to have +them. I might as well have bound myself not to breathe. If the touch +of Aniela's hand made no more impression upon me than if it were a +piece of wood it would prove that I did not love her any longer, and +then all pledges would be unnecessary. Saying to Aniela that my whole +nature had changed in contact with her, I did not intend to deceive +her, but had not exactly defined the change. The truth is I only keep +myself in check. I renounced complete happiness in order to secure a +part of it. I preferred to have Aniela in this way to not having her +at all, and I think that every one who knows the meaning of true love +will understand me easily. If the passions are dogs, as the poets say, +I have chained them up, will starve them into submission, but I cannot +prevent their straining at the chain or emitting an occasional howl. + +I know to what I have pledged myself, and shall keep to it; there is +nothing else to do. In the face of Aniela's firmness of purpose there +is no room for any agreeing or disagreeing. The fear that she may take +back what she has given is enough curb for me. I rather exaggerate my +caution and wariness, so as not to frighten away the bird which I call +"spiritual love," and she calls "friendship." That word, which in the +first moment was merely a prick, enough to make me wince, is gradually +growing into a sore. At the time it seemed to me not expressive +enough, and now it appears to me too cautious, too full of conditions. +How strange that characteristic of feminine nature, not to call things +by their name. Yet I explained distinctly to Aniela what I was asking +for, and she understood me fully; and nevertheless she called the +feeling "friendship," as if she wanted to veil herself with it before +me, before herself and God. + +Looking at it from another point, it is true that a feeling devoid of +all earthly substance may be called by any name. There is sadness and +bitterness in the thought. This caution, common to very pure-minded +women, is undoubtedly the outcome of their modesty, but it does not +permit them to be generous. I might go straight to Aniela and say +to her: "I have sacrificed to you one half of my existence, and you +grudgingly dole me out your words; is it right?" And I tell her so +inwardly with reproachful eyes. It is difficult to imagine love +without generosity, without a desire to make some sacrifices. + +To-day on Windischgrätzhöhe we conversed together like two beings +closely connected by the ties of love and friendship, but there was +nothing in our speech that brother and sister might not have said to +each other. If we had made such an excursion before we had entered +into our compact, I should undoubtedly have taken some advantage of +it, kissed her hands or feet or even tried, if only for a moment, to +take her in my arms; to-day I walked quietly at her side, like one +who is afraid of the slightest frown. Partly I restrained myself on +purpose, thinking that in this way I should win her confidence and +favor. By this silence I meant to say: "You will not be disappointed +in me; I will take rather less than I have a right to,--so as not to +break our compact." + +But one feels hurt all the same, when the sacrifice is accepted +promptly and cheerfully as soon as it is offered. Involuntarily one +says inwardly to the beloved woman: "Do not let yourself be outdone in +generosity." And I said so,--but in vain. + +What is the result? A certain disappointment for myself. I used to +think if such a compact existed between us, I should have perfect +liberty within its boundaries; should be able to say, "I love you" as +often as I liked, and hear the same from her lips; and that this +would compensate me for all my torments, for the whole time of my +suffering,--in short that I should be king in that restricted kingdom; +but now it appears that my horizon gets narrower than ever, and doubts +arise within me that might be compressed in the query: "What have you +gained?" I try to chase the thoughts away. I have gained something. I +have gained the sight of a bright and happy face; I have gained the +smile; I have gained the delight of seeing her limpid eyes look +fearlessly into mine. If I feel cramped and not quite at home in the +new house, the reason is that I have not got used to it. Besides, +formerly I was without a roof to shelter me; and if I cannot always +see clearly what I have gained, I know perfectly well that I have lost +nothing. I shall never forget that. + + +14 August. + +My aunt begins to talk about going home. She is pining after her +beloved Ploszow. I asked Aniela if she would like to go. She said she +would; therefore I too am anxious to return. Formerly I attached some +vague, undefined hope to a change of place. Now I expect nothing; but +at Ploszow there are so many pleasant memories that I shall be glad to +see the place again. + + +16 August. + +The days flow now very evenly. I think much and I rest. My thoughts +are often sad, at times not without bitterness, but my soul was so +weary that I find this restfulness very soothing. It makes me feel +conscious how much better off I am than I used to be. I am mostly +with Aniela; we read together, and then discuss what we have read. +Everything I say to her is only a definition, a development of love; +everything tends in that direction; but strange to say I notice that +now I never speak of it directly, as if that feminine objection to +calling things by their proper names had also infected me. I do not +know why this is so, but it is a fact. And it grieves me,--sometimes +grieves me very much; and it pleases me, because I see that Aniela is +pleased, and what is more, loves me for it. In order to cement the +union of our souls, I have begun to speak much about myself so as not +to have any secrets from her. I am reticent only about such things as +might offend her delicacy of feeling or the purity of her thoughts. +I tried to initiate her into the workings of a spirit undermined by +scepticism and the want of a basis in life. I told her openly that I +had nothing to live for except her; told her also what was going on +within me after her marriage, what shocks had passed through my heart +and brain since my return to Ploszow; I spoke of this all the more +eagerly, as it was like a series of confessions, as it all meant: +"I loved you then, as I love you now, beyond expression." She was +deceived as to the meaning of these confidences and listened to them +as if there had been no question about her, with emotion, sympathy, +and possibly unconscious delight. I saw tears gathering in her eyes, +her breast heaved as if her whole spiritual being went out to me with +open arms saying: "Come to me; you have suffered enough and deserve +some happiness." And I reply with my eyes: "I do not ask, do not +remind you of anything; I am altogether at your mercy." + +I made those confidences also for another reason, namely, to introduce +the habit of mutual confidence between us, and make her tell me what +was going on in her mind at the same time. But I could not manage +it. I tried to ask, but the words seemed to come from her with such +difficulty, there was such evident constraint and uneasiness, that I +left off asking. To be quite open with me, she would have to reveal +all she felt for me and what was her relation to her husband. I wanted +her to come to that; but her modesty and her loyalty for the absent +husband would not permit her to speak. + +I understood all perfectly, but I could not help feeling very sore, +and my pessimism says: "It is you who pay the score; you give +everything, without getting anything in return; you are deceived in +thinking her soul belongs to you; even that soul remains a blank to +you; then what do you possess?" + +I admit the truthfulness of the utterance, but still I count upon the +future. + + +17 August. + +I am often reminded of the poet Mickiewicz's words, "Alas! it was only +a half-salvation!" But even if I did not see in that half-salvation +all that is wanting, I could not arrive at perfect peace. This would +be achieved only by not desiring anything more, in other words by +ceasing to love. There come upon me, more and more, moments of +despondency when I say to myself that this is only another enchanted +circle. I found some relief from torments I could bear no longer, that +is true; but relief is not the same as the removal of the pain. When +the famished Arab sucks pebbles instead of drinking water, he does not +satisfy his thirst; he only deceives it. Query: Do I deceive my self? +There are again two persons within me: the spectator and the actor; +and the one criticises and mocks the other. The sceptic Ploszowski, +the Ploszowski who has no settled and unshakable belief in the +existence of a soul, in love with a soul, appears simply ridiculous to +that critical number two. What is, after all, my relation with Aniela? +Sometimes I see in it merely the product of a diseased imagination. I +am now indeed like the bird that drags one wing on the earth. I have +doomed to paralysis one half of my being, live only half a life, and +love with half a love. It is a vain enterprise. To separate desire +from love is as impossible as to separate thought from existence. +Even religious feelings, the most ideal of all feelings, manifest +themselves by words, by songs, by kneeling, and kissing of sacred +objects; and I would deprive the love for a woman of all embodiment, +sever all connection with the earth, and make it live upon earth in a +transmundane shape! Love is a natural tendency and desire. What did I +take away from it? The tendency and the desire. I might as well have +gone to Aniela, and said to her, "Since I love you above everything, I +pledge myself to love you no longer." + +There is some terrible mistake in this. I had truly lost my way in the +desert; no wonder that I saw a Fata Morgana. + + +18 August. + +Yesterday I felt oppressed and troubled by various thoughts. I could +not sleep. I left off plunging into the depths of pessimism, and +instead of that began to think of Aniela and call her image before my +eyes. This always soothes me. My imagination strained to the utmost +point brings her before me so lifelike that I fancy I could speak to +her. I recalled to memory the time I had met her first as a grown-up +girl. I saw the white, gauzy draperies studded with bunches of +violets, the bare shoulders, and the face a little too small but fresh +like a spring morning, and so original in the bold outline of the +eyebrows, the long lashes, and that soft down on either side of the +face. It seems to me as if I still heard her voice saying, "Do you not +recognize me, Leon?" I wrote at the time that her face appeared to me +like music translated into human features. There was in her at the +same time the charm of the maiden and the attraction of the woman. No +other woman ever fascinated me so strongly, and there must needs cross +my way a Circe-like Laura to lure me away from the one woman I could +love, almost my bride. + +Nobody feels more than I that the words, "The spell thou hast cast +upon me lasts forever," are not a mere poetic fancy, but bitter +reality. Besides love and desire, I have for her an immense liking, +the tenderness of affection, and am drawn to her with the irresistible +force of the magnet to iron. And it cannot be otherwise, for she is +still the same Aniela, and is not changed in the least. It is the same +face of a little girl, with the charm of a woman, the same look, the +same eyelashes, brows, shoulders, and supple waist. She has now one +more charm,--that of the lost Paradise. + +What a tremendous gulf between our relations in the past and those in +the present. When I think of the Aniela who was waiting, as for her +salvation, to hear from me the words, "Will you be mine?" I can +scarcely believe it to have been true. Reflecting upon that, I feel +like the ruined magnate who at one time scattered his wealth about, +dazzling the world by his splendor, and in later years lived upon +charity. + +That night, when I thought about Aniela and evoked her image before my +eyes, it suddenly occurred to me that we had no portrait of her, and +a strong desire seized me to have her likeness. I grasped at the idea +with enthusiasm, and it made me feel so happy that it finally drove +all sleep from my eyes. "I shall have you," I said; "I shall be able +to look at you at any time, kiss your hands, your eyes, your lips; and +you will not be able to prevent it." I began at once to think how it +might be done. I could not go and say to Aniela, "Have your portrait +painted, and I will defray the expenses;" but with my aunt I could +always do what I liked, and a hint will be enough to make her wish for +Aniela's portrait. At Ploszow she has a whole collection of family +portraits, which are her pride, and my desperation, as some of them +are truly hideous; but my aunt will not have them removed out of +sight. Considering her deep attachment to Aniela, I was sure she would +be delighted with the idea of adding her picture to the collection. As +far as she is concerned I consider the thing done; but now came the +question whom to intrust with the execution of the portrait. I thought +it would be impossible to induce the ladies to take Paris on their +way; there I should have the choice between the accuracy and +objectivism of Bonnat, the bold breadth of Carolus Duran, and the +inimitable sweetness of Chaplin. Shutting my eyes, I imagined how each +of them would acquit himself of the task, and I was pleased with the +fancy. But I saw it was impracticable; I foresaw that my aunt would +insist upon a Polish painter. I should have no objection to that, for +I remembered seeing at the Warsaw and Cracow exhibition portraits as +excellent as from the brush of any foreign painter. I was only afraid +of the delay. As regards fancies, and also in many other things, there +is something eminently feminine in my composition. When I plan a thing +I want to get it done at once. As we were in Germany, not very far +from Munich and Vienna, I began to choose among the German painters. +I fixed upon two names: Lembach and Angeli. I had seen some fine +portraits by Lembach, but only men's; besides, I did not like his +self-assurance and sketchiness, which, as I am fond of French +painting, I can endure only from a Frenchman. Angeli's faces did not +altogether satisfy me, but I had to admit his delicacy of touch; and +that is just the thing wanted for Aniela's face. Besides, in order to +get Lembach we should have to go out of our way, and Angeli is on the +way,--a circumstance one is ashamed to confess, not wanting to be +regarded as a Philistine. But in this case I wanted to save time. "The +dead ride quick," as the poet says; but lovers ride quicker still. +Besides I should have chosen Angeli in any case, and finally decided +that he should paint Aniela's portrait. As a rule, I do not approve +of portraits in ball dress, but I resolved to have Aniela in a white +dress with violets. I want to have the delusion in looking at her that +she is the Aniela of the never-to-be-forgotten times. I do not want +anything to remind me that she is Pani Kromitzka. And besides, the +dress is dear to me as a memory. + +I thought the night would never end, so impatient was I to speak +about it to my aunt. I changed my plan though, for if my aunt had the +portrait painted, she would insist upon a Polish painter. I decided +instead to offer Aniela's likeness to my aunt on her name's-day, which +is towards the end of October. Put in this way, Aniela cannot refuse. +Of course I shall have a copy for myself. + +I scarcely slept at all, but look upon it as a satisfactory night, as +all the hours were occupied with these plans. I dozed a little towards +five, but was up and dressed at the stroke of eight. I went to +Straubinger's and sent a telegram to the Vienna Künstlerhaus +inquiring whether Angeli was at home, then returned to the villa +and found the ladies at the breakfast-table. I opened fire at once. +"Aniela," I said, "I have come to confess my guilt in regard to you. +Last night instead of sleeping I have disposed of your person, and it +now remains to be seen whether you will consent." + +She looked at me with half-frightened eyes. Perhaps she fancied I was +going mad, or that in a fit of despair I had made up my mind to blurt +out the truth before the elder ladies; but seeing my calmness she +asked:-- + +"How have you disposed of me?" + +"I wanted it to be a surprise for you, dear aunt, but I do not see +how it could be done in secret, and so I must tell you what present I +intend to give you for your name's-day;" and I told them what I had in +my mind. My aunt, who has an excellent portrait of me, painted some +years ago, was greatly delighted, and thanked me warmly. I saw that +Aniela was not less pleased, and that was enough for me. There and +then a lively discussion sprung up as to when and by whom the portrait +was to be painted, and the question of dress, so dear to the feminine +heart, had to be gone into with all details. I had a ready answer for +all questions and saw my chance of getting something else besides the +picture. + +"It will not take much time," I said. "I have sent a telegram to +Angeli, and I do not think it will delay our journey much. Aniela will +give Angeli five or six sittings, and as you would have to stop at +Vienna in any case to see Notnagel, there is no loss of time. The +dress can be painted from a model, and the face will be finished in +five sittings. But we must send at once Aniela's photograph and a lock +of her hair. The hair I must have at once. Then Angeli will be able to +make the rough sketch, and later on put in the finishing touches." +I counted upon the fact that none of the ladies knew much about +portrait-painting. I wanted the hair for myself, not for Angeli, to +whom it would have been of use only if he painted Aniela's portrait +from a photograph, to which he would not have consented. But I spoke +as if the whole portrait depended on that lock of hair. Two hours +after breakfast I received an answer to my telegram. Angeli is in +Vienna, where he is just finishing the portrait of the Princess M. I +wrote to him at once and sent him Aniela's photograph; then went out +to Aniela, who was walking in the garden. + +"And your hair?" I said; "I want to send the letter by the two-o'clock +post." + +She went at once into her room, and shortly afterwards returned with +a lock of hair. My hand shook a little as I took it from her, but my +eyes looked straight into hers and said in that glance:-- + +"Do you not guess that I want it for myself, that it will be for me +the most precious treasure?" + +Aniela did not say anything, but blushed like a girl who listens for +the first time to words of love. She had guessed it. I thought that +for one touch of those lips it would be worth while giving one's life. +My love for her becomes so strong at times that it is akin to pain. + +I have now a small part of her physical being. I got it by cunning. I +the man of the world, the sceptic, I who enter into myself and analyze +every thought, have come to practise little tricks and devices, +like Goethe's Siebel. But I say to myself, "At the worst I am only +sentimental and ridiculous." Who knows whether the second self that +reduces everything to consciousness with cold criticism is not more +foolish and more ridiculous? Analysis is like the pulling to pieces of +a flower. It spoils the beauty of life, therefore, its happiness--the +only sensible thing in life. + + +22 August. + +After the completion of Pani Celina's cure we waited for weeks till +the heat in the plains should have grown less intense, and at last the +weather broke and again delayed our journey. There has been an almost +Egyptian darkness for three days. The clouds which have been gathering +on the summits, breeding snow and rain, have descended from the +heights and enveloped Gastein as in a wet blanket. There is such a +mist that in the middle of the day I have to pick my way carefully +from Straubinger's to our villa. Everything is wrapped in a thick +veil,--the houses, the trees, the mountains, and cascades. The shapes +of things dissolve and disappear in the moist clouds that weigh upon +everything, and also upon the human mind. We light the lamps at two +o'clock in the afternoon. The ladies have finished packing, and we +should have gone in spite of the mist, but the road is torn up by the +mountain torrents beyond Hofgastein. Pani Celina again suffers from +headaches, and my aunt, after receiving a letter from Chwastowski +about the harvest, walks with heavy steps about the room, talking to +herself and scolding Chwastowski. Aniela looked pale and out of sorts +in the morning. She had a bad night and dreamed about the cretin she +had seen near the Schreckbrücke. She woke up, and could not go to +sleep again; she spent the rest of the night in nervous terror. It is +very strange what an impression the wretched cripple has made upon +her. I tried by cheerful conversation to make her forget about the +incident, in which I succeeded. Since our compact on the Schreckbrücke +she is without comparison brighter, more cheerful, and happier. + +As regards myself, seeing Aniela thus contented, I cannot find it in +my heart to complain, though it often occurs to me that our relation +is mainly based upon there being no relation at all. When I entered +into the compact I knew what I was doing and what shape our feeling +would take; but now that shape seems to be getting more intangible and +undefined, and wrapped up in a mist like that which enfolds Gastein. I +have a presentiment that Aniela will not grant me what is due to +me, and I dare not remind her about anything. I dare not, because a +struggle is too exhausting, especially a struggle for the woman we +love. I have been engaged in this struggle half a year and not gained +anything; and I feel so weary that I prefer the truce, such as it is, +to a renewal of my former warfare. There is also another reason. If +this state of things does not exactly answer to my expectations, it +pleases and conciliates Aniela. She fancies I love her in a nobler +way, therefore she appreciates, I dare not say loves, me more and +more. In spite of the absence of all outward signs, I see it and it +gives me courage; I say to myself, "If her feeling increases, only +persevere, and a time may come when it will be stronger than her power +of resistance." + +People generally, and women especially, fancy that the so-called +Platonic love is a peculiar species of love, very rare and very noble. +It is simply a confusion of ideas. There may be such a thing as +Platonic relations, but Platonic love is as much nonsense as dark +light. Even love for the dead consists of a longing after their bodily +presence as well as their souls. Among the living this feeling is +called resignation. + +I did not want to say an untruth when I told Aniela I would love her +as if she were dead; but resignation does not exclude all hope. In +spite of all my disappointments, in spite of the consciousness that my +hopes are vain, I still nourish in a corner of my heart the hope that +the present state of affairs is only a halting-place on the way +to love. I may repeat to myself over and over again, "Delusion! +delusion!" but I cannot get rid of it until I get rid of my desire. +They are inseparable. I agreed to the compact because I could not help +myself, because I preferred this to nothing at all; but I consider it, +almost unconsciously, as a diplomatic move which aims at complete, not +half happiness. What makes me nevertheless thoughtful, surprises, and +grieves me, and what I simply cannot understand, is that on this line +even I am defeated. My victories lie in the dim, far-off future; but +in the present, in spite of all my cunning, experience of life, strong +feelings, and diplomacy, I am defeated by a being infinitely more +simple than I, less skilled in life's tactics, less cautious and +calculating in the course she takes. It is a defeat; there is no other +word for it. What is our present relation? Nothing more than the +relation of brother and sister, which she wished for and which I did +not wish. Formerly I fought with the storm and often came to grief, +but I steered my own bark. Now Aniela steers for us both; we go more +smoothly and more evenly, but I feel I am going where I did not wish +to go. I now understand why she put out her hand at once, when I +mentioned Dante's love for Beatrice. She wanted to lead me. Has she +calculated everything beforehand more carefully and profoundly than I? +No; I do not know anybody less capable of any calculation, therefore +I cannot admit the idea; yet I cannot get rid of the consciousness, +bordering upon the mystical, that some one has calculated it for her. + +It is all very strange, and the strangest thing of all is that I +forged the fetters which bind me; I myself contrived to bring about +a relation so foreign to my nature, my views, and my most ardent +desires. If somebody had foretold to me, before I knew Aniela, that +I should hit upon such devices, it would have made me laugh at the +prophet and at myself. I, and Platonic relations! Even now I feel +sometimes inclined to laugh and jeer at myself. But I cannot; it is +sheer misery that has brought me to that pass. + + +23 August. + +We leave here to-morrow. The sky is clearing up and there is a +westerly breeze that promises fine weather. The mist has gathered into +long, whitish billows, that hang on the mountain sides, and like +huge leviathans are slowly rolling down. I went with Aniela on the +Kaiserweg. This morning the question arose in my mind what would +happen if the existing state of things ceased to satisfy Aniela. I +have no right to overstep the boundary, and I am afraid to do so; +suppose she too thought the same? Her innate modesty and shyness in +themselves would prove an almost insurmountable barrier; and if, added +to that, she thought the mutual agreement as binding for her as for +me, we should never come to an understanding; we should suffer in +vain. + +Reflecting upon this, I understood the futility of such fears. She, to +whom even that Platonic relation appears too broad, who consciously or +unconsciously restricts, and does not even grant me what is due to me +within these limits, should be the first to acknowledge any greater +rights. And yet the human soul, even if in hell, will never lose hope +altogether. In spite of the self-evident impossibility, I resolved to +make myself safe by giving Aniela to understand that if I considered +the agreement as binding, it was not the same with her. + +I wanted to say many other things, especially that she was doing me a +great wrong, and that my soul yearned to hear a word of love from her +lips, not once but many times, and that only thus I should be able to +remain on those lofty heights whereon she condemned me to dwell. But +that morning she was so gay, so cheerful and kind to me, that I had +not the heart to disturb her peace. Yesterday I could not understand +how a being so full of simplicity had got me under her power and +conquered me even on those fields I thought my exclusive domain. +To-day it seems clearer to me; and I have a ready and very sad +hypothesis,--she loves me less than I love her. + +I knew a man who had the trick of repeating in all his sentences, +"Never mind me." It would not be strange if I began to do the same. +For when I feel, as I do sometimes, a desire to get rid of some words +that almost burn my tongue, the sudden thought that I might mar her +cheerfulness, drive away the smile, and change her good disposition, +renders me mute. Ah me! how often this does happen! + +The thought that I love Aniela more than she loves me has crossed my +mind a hundred times; one day I think of it in one way, the next in +another. I am straying among my thoughts and look at the matter in a +different light every day. At one time it seems to me that she does +not care for me very much, in fact is incapable of any strong feeling; +and again, I not only think but am conscious that she has one of the +deepest and most loving hearts I ever met in the world. I have always +plenty of proofs either way. Thus I say to myself: "If her love +increases, three, four, ten times as much, will there not come a time +when it will grow stronger than her resistance?" Yes. Then it is only +a question of how great her feeling is? No. For if the feeling were +small she would not have suffered so much, and I have seen her suffer +almost as much as I did myself. Against all reasoning I have one +answer: "I have seen." + +To-day a sentence escaped her which I shall remember, for it is an +answer to my doubts. She would not have said this had I spoken about +us and our love. But I spoke in a general way, as I now always do. +I argued that it lay in the nature of feeling to be connected with +action; that love produces acts of will. When I had finished she said +quietly:-- + +"Not always. One may suffer." + +Of course one may suffer. With these few words she had crushed my +arguments and filled my heart with reverence for her. In moments like +these I am happy and unhappy, as again it seems to me that she loves +me as I love her, but will remain pure before God, and men, and +herself. And I shall not be able to shake that temple. When all is +said and done this analysis of her heart and feelings does not lead to +any certainty. I am always walking in the dark. To my philosophical +and social "I do not know" there is now added a personal +consideration, far more serious; for this "I do not know" threatens my +very life. + +I forged myself the chain which binds me to Aniela, and there is no +hope whatever that it ever will be broken. I love her despairingly, +and it is a question whether my love be not a disease. If I were +younger, less shattered in mind and nerves,--in short, of a more +normal disposition,--I might, seeing the hopelessness, try to break +that chain. As it is, I do not make even an effort. I love as a man +with diseased nerves, a man who is close upon mania; love as old +men do, clinging to love with all their might, as it is for them +a question of life. Thus one may cling to a branch overhanging a +precipice. + +This one thing has blossomed in my life, consequently its growth is so +out of all proportion. A phenomenon like this is easy to understand +and will repeat itself the oftener, the more people there are like me; +that is, hyper-analytical sceptics inclined to hysteria, with a great +nothingness in their souls, and a strong neurosis in their veins. This +modern product of our epoch, drawing to its end, may not love at all, +or may look upon love as mere licentiousness; but if it happen that +all the forces of one's life centre in one feeling, and come under the +sway of his neurosis, the predilection will become as ineradicable as +any other chronic disease. Physiologists have not fully understood +this, still less novelists, who occupy themselves with the analysis of +the modern human soul. + + +Vienna, 25 August. + +We arrived to-day at Vienna. On the way I listened to a conversation +between my aunt and Pani Celina, of which I took note, as it seemed to +make an extraordinary impression upon Aniela. We four were alone in +the railway carriage; we were discussing the portrait, and especially +the question whether the white dress would not have to be abandoned, +as the making of it would take up too much time. Suddenly Pani Celina, +whose mind is full of reminiscences and dates, which she quotes in and +out of season, turned to Aniela and said:-- + +"It is just two months to-day since your husband arrived at Ploszow, +is it not?" + +"I believe so," replied Aniela. + +At the same instant she grew very red and tried to hide her confusion +by taking down one of her bags from the rack. The blush had not gone +from her face when she turned round again, and there was in her face +an expression of acute pain. The ladies did not notice it, for they +were deep in a discussion as to the exact date of Kromitzki's arrival; +but I had noticed it and it grated upon my nerves, for it reminded me +that that very day she had to submit to his caresses. I was furious, +and at the same time ashamed for that blush of hers. In my love there +are many great thorns, but there are also a multitude of small, +hideous ones. Before that unlucky remark of Pani Celina's I felt +almost happy because I had the illusion that I was travelling with +Aniela as my affianced wife. Now in one moment the good disposition +fled. I felt resentment towards Aniela, and I showed it in my manners. +She noticed it at once, and when we arrived at Vienna and were left +alone for a moment, she asked:-- + +"Are you angry with me about something?" + +"No, but I love you," I said curtly. + +Her face grew sad. She thought, perhaps, that I had grown tired of the +peaceful current of our life, and the old Leon had come back again. +I felt angry with her, but angrier still with myself, that all my +philosophy and consciousness did not serve to give me the mastery over +the slightest sensations. + +I went at once to Angeli, but when I arrived at his studio it was +six o'clock and the studio was closed. Aniela will be rested, and +to-morrow I will go with her. I have changed my idea. I do not want +her in a ball-dress, showing her arms and shoulders; I will have her +as she is every day, and as I love her most. + +In the evening Doctor Chwastowski came to see us. He looks very well, +and as strong as a giant. + + +26 August. + +I had a very nasty dream. I begin with it the description of the day. +I am not one to attach any meaning to dreams, and I am convinced +that a healthy brain could not produce such stuff. Sleeplessness has +troubled me now for some time, but yesterday I had scarcely closed my +eyes when I fell into a heavy sleep. I do not know at what time I had +that dream; it must have been towards morning, for when I awoke it +was broad daylight, and I could not have dreamed long. I saw a great +quantity of cockchafers and black beetles crawl from under the +mattress and along the sides of the bed. They were as big as +matchboxes. Presently I saw them crawling up the wall. Strange how +realistic dreams can be; I distinctly heard the rustling of their +feet on the paper. Raising my eyes I noticed big clusters of beetles +hanging from the ceiling; but they were of a different kind, +much larger, with black and white spots. On some of them I could +distinguish the white belly, with two rows of feet on either side +which looked like ribs. In my dream they seemed quite in their place, +and yet horrible. They filled me with loathing, but I was neither +astonished nor afraid. Only after I had awoke the loathing became +unbearable and changed into a kind of fear,--fear of death. It was the +first time I had that sensation, and that fear of death took such a +form. "Who knows," I thought, "what hideous shapes are awaiting me in +the darkness, on the other side of life?" Later on I remembered that I +had seen some similar beetles in an entomological collection, but +at the time they seemed to me something unnatural, belonging to an +intangible after-life. I jumped up and raised the blind, and the sight +of daylight calmed me at once. The streets were already alive with the +traffic of the early morning,--vegetable carts drawn by dogs, servants +going to market, and laborers to their work. The sight of the normal +human life is the best remedy against phantasms like these. I feel now +an immense necessity for light and life. The final conclusion of all +this is that I am not well. My tragedy undermines me like a cancer. I +see white threads in my hair; this might have come in the course of +nature; but my face, especially in the morning, has a waxen hue, and +my hands are getting transparent. I am not getting thin, it is rather +the opposite, but I am conscious of anæmia as I am conscious of my +psychical state, and I feel that my vital powers are passing through a +crisis, and that some calamity is threatening me. + +I shall never go mad. I cannot even imagine how I could ever lose +control over myself. Besides, a celebrated physician, and what is +more an intelligent man, told me that at a certain point of developed +consciousness this was quite impossible. I think he has written a book +about it. But without going mad I may be on the eve of some portentous +nervous disease; and as I know a little what that means, I say +sincerely that any other would be preferable. + +I have not much faith in doctors, especially in those that trust to +physic, but I may take some advice if only to please my aunt. I know +one remedy, which would be infallible; if Kromitzki died and I could +marry Aniela I should speedily get well. A disease springing from +nerves must be cured through nerves. But she will not be my physician, +even if my life is in danger. + +I went with Aniela and my aunt to Angeli's studio. The first sitting +took place to-day. How right I was in saying that she is one of the +most beautiful women I ever met in life, because there is nothing +commonplace in her beauty. Angeli looked at her with manifest +pleasure, as if he had before him a noble piece of art. He was in +excellent spirits, drew the outline with enthusiasm, and did not +conceal at all the reason of his satisfaction. "In my profession," he +said, "a model like this is very rare indeed. With such a sitter it is +delightful to work. What a face! what expression!" + +The expression was by no means so charming as usual, because Aniela is +a shy little creature; she felt confused, bewildered, and it evidently +cost her an effort to keep a natural pose. Angeli understood that. + +"It will be easier the next time," he said; "like everything else, one +must get accustomed to it." And he repeated several times: "This will +be something like a portrait." + +He looked also with a pleased countenance at my aunt, who has noble +features and a singularly commanding presence. The way she met Angeli +was in itself a treat. It was the off-hand manner of the _grande +dame_, always in good taste, but evidently not making much of him. +Angeli, who is used to flattery and homage, and at the same time +a clever man, judged her aright, and I saw he was amused by her +demeanor. + +We had decided upon a black silk dress, very elegantly made. It shows +off Aniela's figure to perfection, its suppleness and rounded curves. +I can neither think nor write about it calmly. Angeli, addressing +Aniela, repeatedly called her "Mademoiselle." Feminine nature, even an +angelic one, has still its little weaknesses. I noticed that my dear +love was pleased, and still more so when I told Angeli of his mistake, +and he said:-- + +"But I shall always fall into the same mistake; looking at madame it +is impossible not to make the mistake." + +And indeed with those vivid blushes mantling in her face she was +surpassingly lovely. + +On our way out, when a little distance from my aunt, I whispered to +Aniela:-- + +"Aniela, do you know yourself how beautiful you are?" + +She did not say anything, but lowered her eyelashes, as she always +does in such a case. Nevertheless, I noticed that during the rest +of the day there was a shade of unconscious coquetry in her manner +towards me. Angeli's words and mine had attuned her to that +disposition. She knows I admire her, that never woman was admired +more, and it pleases her. I not only admired her, but I said inwardly, +rather shouted to myself: "To the deuce with all compacts. I love you +without limits and restrictions." + +In the evening we went to the opera to hear Wagner's "Fliegende +Hollander." I scarcely heard anything at all, or rather, heard and saw +only through her. I asked of Wagner: "What impression do you make upon +her? Does your music enter her soul and make her inclined to love me? +Do you transport her into higher spheres, where love is the highest +law?" That is the only thing that interests me. Women perhaps cannot +love so exclusively. They always reserve part of their soul for +themselves, for the world and its sensations. + + +27 August. + +My aunt expressed a wish to depart. She is anxious to be back at +Ploszow, and says that her presence here is not necessary, and that +in fact we should get on better without her; that we should not be +obliged to consider her and could devote all our time to the portrait. +We all protested a little, and maintained that a lady of her years +ought not to travel alone. Though reluctantly, I considered it my duty +to offer my companionship. I confess that I awaited her reply with +a certain trepidation; but the dear old lady said, with great +liveliness:-- + +"Don't think of it even. Suppose Celina should fall ill again, who +would look after them, or accompany Aniela to the studio? She must not +go alone." She shook her finger playfully at Aniela, and with a frown +on her brow, and smiling mouth she added: "I don't quite trust that +painter, he looks at her more than his work requires; and she sees it +too and is pleased with it,--I know her little ways." + +"But aunty, he is not a young man," said Aniela, laughingly kissing +her hands. + +My aunt muttered: "Little coaxing rogue, he is not a young man, you +say? but he pays you compliments all the same. Leon, you must keep +your eye on them." + +I relinquished the journey to Ploszow with delight, yielding to my +aunt's convincing reasons. Pani Celina insisted upon her taking the +maid, at least, who had gone with them to Gastein. My aunt refused at +first, but consented when Aniela pointed out that they would do very +well without a maid in the hotel. She gave orders at once to have her +things packed. She is very quick in her decisions and wants to go +to-morrow by an early train. I teased her during dinner, saying that +she liked her horses better than all of us together. "Foolish boy," +she said, "don't talk nonsense;" then forgot herself, and began +soliloquizing about the horses. The sitting was a very long one +to-day. Aniela posed much better. The face is already laid in. + + +28 August. + +My aunt left us this morning. Pani Celina, who went with us to the +studio, could scarcely restrain an exclamation of horror when she saw +Aniela's face on the picture. She has no idea about painting and the +different phases a picture has to go through, and fancied the face +would remain thus. I had to set her mind at rest. Then Angeli, who +guessed what was the matter, laughed and said that what she saw before +her was only the chrysalis, from which the butterfly would come forth +in time. + +"I believe it will be one of the best portraits I ever painted," he +said; "for a long time I have not worked so _con amore_." + +I hope his words will prove true. After the sitting I went to get +tickets for the opera. When I returned I found Aniela alone, and +suddenly temptation seized me with the force of a hurricane. I thought +if she would come into my arms, now was the moment; and at the very +thought I felt myself growing pale, my pulses beat wildly, I trembled +and caught my breath. The room was in semi-darkness, veiled by heavy +curtains. I made superhuman efforts to conquer the irresistible power +that pushed me towards her. It seemed as if a hot wave emanating from +her enfolded me, and that she too must feel the same storm in her +breast. "I must take her in my arms, kiss her eyes and lips," a voice +within me seemed to say, "though I were to perish for it afterwards." +She noticed at once my unusual state; there was a momentary terror in +her eyes, but she collected herself at once and said quickly:-- + +"You must be my guardian now in mamma's absence. There was a time when +I used to be afraid of you; but now I trust you and feel quite at ease +with you." + +I kissed her hands and said in a choking voice: "Oh, Aniela, if you +knew what is passing within me!" + +She replied, with sadness and compassion: "I know; you are so good, +and all the nobler." + +For a moment I still fought with myself; but she disarmed me,--I did +not dare. During the remainder of the day she tried to compensate me +for my restraint. Never had I seen in her eyes so much affection and +such tenderness. Is this not perhaps the best way, after all? Perhaps +in this guise the feeling will grow stronger and conquer her at last. +I do not know, I begin to lose my head. But following this road I +sacrifice every day my love for love's sake. + + +29 August. + +Something very strange and terrifying has happened. During the +sitting, while posing quietly, Aniela suddenly shuddered, her face +grew very red and then turned as white as snow. Both Angeli and I were +terribly frightened. He interrupted his work at once and asked Aniela +to rest; I brought her a glass of water. After a few moments she grew +better and wanted to resume the pose; but I saw that it cost her some +effort and that she still seemed dazed. Perhaps she was tired. The +weather is very hot to-day and the streets are like a baker's oven. We +went back much sooner than the day before, and I noticed that she had +not recovered her usual spirits. During dinner she grew suddenly very +red. Pani Celina asked whether she felt indisposed. She assured us +that nothing was the matter with her. To my offer to go and bring +a doctor, she replied with unusual vivacity, and with a touch of +irritation, that there was no need for it, that she was not ill. +During the remainder of the day she was pale, the black eyebrows +contracted every now and then, and there was an expression of +sternness in her face. She was more indifferent to me than yesterday, +and I fancied she avoided my eyes. I cannot make out what it means. I +am very restless, and shall not be able to sleep; or if I go to sleep +I shall have dreams such as I had before. + + +30 August. + +There is something mysterious going on around me. Towards noon I +knocked at the room of the ladies, to let Aniela know it was time to +go to the studio; but they were not there. The hotel servant told me +they had ordered a carriage two hours before and driven into town. A +little surprised at that, I resolved to wait for their return. Half +an hour later they came in, but Aniela gave me her hand silently and +passed at once into her room. A quick glance at her face told me it +was troubled. I thought she had only gone to change her dress, when +Pani Celina said:-- + +"My dear Leon, please go to Angeli and apologize for Aniela; her +nerves are so shaken that she cannot possibly sit for him." + +"What is the matter with her?" I asked, anxiously. + +Pani Celina seemed at a loss what to say, and at last replied: "I do +not know; I took her to the doctor, but we did not find him at home. I +left my card and asked him to call on us at the hotel; that is all I +can tell you." + +I could not get anything more out of her. I took a cab and drove at +once to Angeli's studio. When I told him that Aniela could not come +it seemed to me as if he looked suspicious. Perhaps the troubled +expression of my face had something to do with it. It crossed my mind, +"Suppose he suspects us to have changed our minds, and that we do not +want the portrait any longer?" He does not know us; he might even +think that some money difficulties are the cause of my anxiety. +To guard against such suspicions, I made up my mind to pay him in +advance. When he heard of this, he protested vehemently and said he +never accepted payment until the picture was finished; but I replied +that I was only the depositary of the sum, and as I might be called +away at any moment, I would rather get rid of the trouble. After some +more discussion, which bored me, it was settled according to my wish. +We agreed that the sitting should take place at the same hour the day +following, and in case Pani Kromitzka was still unable to attend I +would let him know before ten. When back at the hotel, I went at once +to the ladies. Aniela was in her room. Pani Celina said the doctor had +just gone away, but did not say anything conclusive; only advised her +to keep quiet and avoid emotion. I do not know why, but I fancied I +saw again in her face the same hesitation. Possibly it comes only from +her anxiety about Aniela, which I can well understand, as I feel the +same. + +When in my own room I reproached myself bitterly for having been, at +least partly, the cause of this; as all this struggle between her love +and her duty could not but act perniciously upon her health. Thinking +of all this, I had a sensation which might be summed up in a few +words: "Better I should perish than that she should suffer." I thought +with terror that she would not come down to dinner, as if something +serious, God knows what, had depended upon it. Fortunately she did +come down; but she still avoided my eyes, and there was the same +mysterious something in the air. First she grew confused at seeing me, +and then made an effort to be her usual self, but failed. She made +upon me the impression of a person that tries to conceal a trouble. +She must have been paler too than usual, for though she cannot be +called dark she almost looked like a brunette. + +I racked my brain to guess what could have happened. Was it anything +connected with Kromitzki; and if so, what could it be? Perhaps my +money is in danger. The deuce take the money! All I possess may +perish, rather than that Aniela should have a moment of anxiety. I +must get at the bottom of the mystery to-morrow. I am quite sure it +has to do with Kromitzki; but what can he have done? He has not sold +another Gluchow, for the simple reason that there is not another to +sell. + + +Berlin, 5 September. + +I am at Berlin, because escaping from Vienna I had to go somewhere. I +could not go to Ploszow, because she will be there. I was so convinced +that no human power could tear me from her that the very idea of +separation seemed to me a wild impossibility. But no! It is always the +unexpected that happens, for I have gone away, and everything is at +an end. I am at Berlin. I feel as if I had an engine in my head, the +wheels of which keep whirring incessantly. This hurts me; but I am +not mad. I know everything and remember everything. My physician was +right; it is only weak heads that come to grief. Besides, it could not +happen to me, because insanity sometimes means happiness. + + +6 September. + +Yet at times I fancy that my brain is bursting bounds. What is there +more natural than that a married woman should have children? But to me +that natural order seems so monstrous that it well-nigh maddens me. +Yet a thing cannot be at the same time in the order of nature and +a monstrosity. No brain can withstand that. What does it mean? I +understand that those whom fate means to crush are crushed by some +great, overwhelming calamity. With me it is different. I am rent +asunder by an ordinary, natural event,--and the more natural, the more +terrible it is. One contradicts the other. She is not responsible,--I +understand that because I am not mad. She is still virtuous, and yet +I could have sooner forgiven her any other crime. And I cannot, God +knows I cannot forgive you, because I loved you so much. And believe +me, there is not another woman in the whole world I scorn so much as I +scorn you. For, after all, it comes to this: you had two lovers, one +for Platonic love and the other for matrimonial love. There is in me a +wild desire to laugh, and at the same time to dash my head against the +wall. I had not foreseen that a way could be found to tear me from +you; and yet there is one, and it has proved effective. + + +8 September + +When I come to think that all is at an end between us, and that I have +left her forever, I can scarcely believe it. There is no Aniela for me +any more. Then what is there? Nothing. Then why do I live? I do not +know. It is not out of curiosity to know whether a son or a daughter +will be born to Pan Kromitzki. I always think of it as the most +natural thing in the world, and my head seems nigh to bursting. It +is very strange! I ought to have been prepared for that, and yet the +thought never entered my head. I should have sooner expected a stroke +of lightning to fell me down. Yet Kromitzki was with her at Ploszow; +they were together in Vienna, and afterward in Gastein. + +And I put it all down to her nerves, to her deep feelings! What +egregious foolishness! Since I could bear to see the two together, I +ought to be able to put up with the consequences. Alas, it is not +my reason that revolts, it is my nerves that quiver under these +consequences. There are people in whom these two forces dwell in +harmony; within me they worry each other like dogs. That is another +of my misfortunes. How is it I never thought of it? It ought to have +struck me that if there were any terrible coincidence, any blow more +painful than another, it would be reserved for me. + +Sometimes it seems to me as if I were hunted by a Providence that, not +satisfied by the logic of facts that contain in themselves a Nemesis, +took a special delight in fastening personally upon me. There are +many others who love their neighbors' wives, and they do not suffer, +because they love less honestly, more thoughtlessly. Is there any +justice in that? No, it is not that. There is no self-conscious +thought in the ordering of these things; they happen by chance and by +virtue of necessity. + + +10 September. + +The thought still pursues me that as a rule human tragedy is the +outcome of exceptional events and calamities, and mine comes from a +natural event. Really I do not know which is worst. The natural order +of things seems to me past bearing. + + +11 September. + +I have heard that a man struck by lightning stiffens, but does not +fall down at once. I too keep up, sustained by that thunderbolt that +struck me, but I feel myself falling. As soon as it grows dark in the +evening something strange takes place within me. I feel so oppressed +that it costs me an effort even to sigh; it seems as if the air could +not get to my lungs, and that I breathe with only a part of them. +During the night, and also in the day, a sudden nameless terror seizes +me,--terror of nothing in particular. I feel as if something horrible +was going to happen, something worse than death. Yesterday I put the +question to myself: "What would become of me if, in this foreign town, +I suddenly forgot my name and where I lived, and wandered on and on in +darkness without knowing where I was going?" + +These are sick fancies. Besides, in such a case that would happen to +my body which has already happened to my soul; for in a moral sense I +do not know where I dwell,--I walk in darkness, aimlessly, in a kind +of madness. I am afraid of everything, except of death. Strictly +speaking, I have a strange sensation as if it were not that I am +afraid, but as if fear dwelt in me, as a separate being,--and I +tremble; I cannot bear darkness now. In the evening I go out and walk +in the streets, lighted by electric lamps, until I am thoroughly +tired. If I met anybody I knew, I should escape, if to the other end +of the world; but crowds have become a necessity to me. When the +streets are getting empty I feel terrified. The thought of night fills +me with nameless fear. And how long they seem, these nights! + +I have continually a metallic taste in my mouth. I felt it for the +first time that night when I came home and found Kromitzki waiting +for me; the second time I felt it when Pani Celina told me the "great +news." What a day! I had gone to ask how Aniela was, when the doctor +had seen her for the second time. There was not the slightest +suspicion in my mind; I did not understand anything even when Pani +Celina said: "The doctor says that those are purely nervous symptoms, +and have nothing to do with her state." + +Seeing that I did not understand, she said, with a certain +uneasiness:-- + +"I must tell you the great news." + +And she told me the "great news." When I heard it I felt the metallic +taste in my mouth, and a cold sensation in my brain, exactly as I had +felt that evening I met Kromitzki unexpectedly. I went into my room. +I remember among other things that I felt an immense desire to +laugh. That ideal being, for whom even Platonic love seemed to be +impermissible, and who instead of "love" used the word "friendship!" I +felt a desire to laugh, and at the same time to dash my head against +the wall. + +I preserved nevertheless a mechanical self-possession. It came from +the consciousness that everything was over and done with; that I +must go--that there was nothing for it but to go. That consciousness +transformed me into an automaton, doing by routine everything that +was necessary for my departure. I was even conscious of keeping up +appearances. Why? I do not know, as this did not matter now to me any +longer. Most likely it was an instinctive action of the brain, which +for months had been trained in concealing the truth and keeping up +appearances. I told Pani Celina that I had seen a doctor, and that he +said there was something amiss with my heart, and ordered me to go to +Berlin without delay,--and she believed it. + +Not so Aniela. I saw her eyes dilated with terror, and in her face the +expression of a degraded martyr; and there were two persons within me: +one who said, "Is it her fault?" and another who despised her. Oh, why +did I love her so much? + + +12 September. + +It is almost two weeks since I left. They must be at Ploszow by this +time. I wrote to-day a letter to my aunt, because I was afraid +she might be uneasy about me and come here to look after me. I am +sometimes astonished to find there is still somebody that cares what +becomes of me. + + +13 September. + +There are men who lead astray other men's wives, deceive them, and +afterwards throw them aside and quietly resume their every-day life. +I have never done any such thing, and if Aniela had been my victim I +should have wiped the dust from off her path; no human power could +have torn me from her. There are greater crimes than mine, but upon +me has fallen such a burden that it gives me the impression of an +exceptional punishment; and I cannot help thinking that my love must +have been a terrible crime. + +This is a kind of instinctive fear, against which scepticism is no +safeguard. And yet by all moral laws it must be admitted that it would +be a greater offence to lead a woman to ruin without love, and do from +calculation what I did from a deep love. Surely the responsibility +cannot be greater for an immense, overpowering feeling than for a mean +little weakness. + +No! therefore my love is, above all, an awful calamity. A man free +from prejudices can imagine how he would feel if he were swayed by +prejudice; so, too, a man who doubts may imagine how he could pray if +he had the faith. I not only have the feeling, but it breaks forth +into a complaint, almost like a sincere prayer, and I say: "If I am +guilty, O God! I have been punished severely, and a little mercy might +be shown to me." But I cannot even imagine in what shape that mercy +could come to me now! It is impossible! + + +14 September. + +They must have gone back to Ploszow by this time. I still think of +Aniela very often, for we cannot wipe out the past; especially when we +have nothing to look for in the future; and I have nothing, nothing +at all. If I had faith I might become a priest; if I were a man who +denies the existence of God I might become a convert. But within me +the organs with which we believe are withered, as sometimes a limb +withers. I do not know anything except that in my sorrows I do not +find comfort in religion. + +When Aniela married Kromitzki, I thought everything between us was +over. I was mistaken. It is only now I have the full conviction that +everything is over; for now we are divided not only by our will and +my departure, but by something that is beyond us, by forces of nature +independent of us. We are like two parallel lines that can never meet, +though we wish for it ever so much. On Aniela's line there will be +suffering, but there will be also new worlds, a new life; on mine +there is nothing but solitude. She doubtless understands that as well +as I. I wonder whether sometimes she says to herself: "It is I who, +without intending it, have ruined that man." It does not matter much +to me, and yet I should like to know that she is sorry for me. Maybe +she will feel a little sorry until her child is born. After that all +her feelings will flow into one channel, and, for her, I shall not +exist any longer. That also is a law of nature,--an excellent law. + + +16 September. + +I saw to-day on an advertisement in big letters the name of Clara +Hilst. I now remembered that she had told me in her last letter that +she was going to Berlin. She is here, and she is going to give several +concerts. At the time, the news neither pleased nor displeased me. +Now, in proportion as my nervous restlessness increases, the sensation +grows more distinct, and takes a twofold shape: the thought that she +is near acts soothingly on me, but the thought is sufficient, and I +would rather not see her; and when I say to myself that I ought to +call on her it gives me an unpleasant sensation. Clara has that +inquisitive solicitude that wants to know everything and asks +questions. She has a strong leaning towards romantic situations, and +the firm belief that friendship is a remedy for all evils. For me to +make confidences is simply impossible. I often, lack the strength even +to think of what has happened. + + +17 September. + +Why do I wake up in the morning? Why do I exist? And what do I care +for acquaintances or people in general? I did not go to see Clara, +because she can have nothing to say to me that could possibly interest +me, and it wearies me beforehand. The whole world is as entirely +indifferent to me as I am to the world. + + +18 September. + +I did well to write to my aunt. If I had not done so she would have +come here. She writes thus:-- + +"Your letter came to hand the same day that Celina and Aniela arrived. +How are you now, my dearest boy? You say that you are all right, but +is that really and truly so? What did the doctors in Berlin say, and +how long do you think of remaining there? Send me a telegram whether +you are still there, and I will come to you at once. Celina says you +went away so suddenly that she and Aniela were terribly frightened. If +you had not mentioned that the doctor most likely will advise a sea +voyage, I should have started off at once after receiving your letter. +It is only some fifteen hours by rail, and I feel stronger than ever. +The congestions I used to have have not returned. I am very anxious +about you, and do not like the idea of the sea at all. You are used to +that sort of thing, but I shudder at the thought of ships and storms. +Celina is quite well, and Aniela fairly so. I hear that you have been +told the news. Before leaving Vienna they consulted a specialist, and +he said there was no doubt whatever about Aniela's state. Celina is +overjoyed, and I too am glad. Perhaps this will induce Kromitzki +to give up his speculations and settle at home. Aniela will now be +altogether happy, having an aim in life. She looked rather tired +and as if oppressed when she came back, but that may be only the +consequence of the journey. + +"Sniatynski's child has been very bad with croup, but is better now." + +Reading my aunt's letter gave me the impression that there is no room +for me among them, especially near Aniela. Even my memory will soon +become unpleasant to her. + + +19 September. + +I cannot imagine myself as living a year or two hence. What shall I +do? Such utter aimlessness ought to debar one from life. Properly +speaking, there is no room for me anywhere. + +I did not go to see Clara, but met her in the Friedrichsstrasse. +Seeing me she grew pale from joy and emotion, and greeted me with +such effusion that it pleased and pained me at the same time. I was +conscious that my cordiality towards her was a mere outward form, and +that I did not derive any pleasure from the meeting. When she had +recovered from the surprise at meeting me thus unexpectedly, she +scrutinized my face anxiously. Truly I must have presented a strange +sight; and my hair has become much grayer too. She began to inquire +after my health, and in spite of my friendship for her, I felt that +to see her often would be more than I could stand. I resolved to put +myself on guard against this; I told her that I did not feel very +well, and was shortly going away to a warmer climate. She tried to +persuade me to come and see her; than asked after my aunt, Pani +Celina, and Aniela. I put her off with general remarks. I thought to +myself that she perhaps is the only being who would have understood +me, and yet I felt that I could not open my heart to her. + +Nevertheless I am still susceptible to human kindness. At moments, +when those honest blue eyes of Clara's looked into mine with such +kindliness and such keen scrutiny, as if they wanted to look into my +very soul, her goodness humiliated me so that I felt a desire to weep. +Clara, in spite of my effort to seem as usual, noticed that I was +changed, and with quick feminine intuition she guessed that I speak, +live, almost think mechanically, and that my soul is half dead within +me. She left off all searchings and inquiries, but became very tender. +I saw that she was afraid of wearying me. She also tried to make +me understand that in the tenderness she was showing there was no +concealed intention of winning my regard, but only the desire to +comfort me. And it did comfort me, but I could not help feeling very +tired. My mind is not capable of any concentration, any effort to +maintain a conversation, even with a friend. And besides, since the +one aim of my life has vanished from my eyes, everything appears to me +so empty that I have continually the question in my mind: "What is the +use of it? what can it matter now?" + + +21 September. + +Never in my life have I passed a more terrible night. I had a +sensation of terror, as if I descended by endless steps into deeper +and deeper darkness, full of horrible, indefined, moving shapes. I +made up my mind to leave Berlin; I cannot breathe under that heavy, +leaden sky. I will go back to Rome, to my house on the Babuino, and +settle there for good. I think my accounts with Aniela and the world +in general may be considered as closed, and henceforth I will quietly +vegetate at Rome until my time comes. Anything for tranquillity! +Yesterday's visit to Clara convinced me that even if I wished it, I +cannot live with others, since I have nothing wherewith to repay their +kindness. I am excluded from general life and stand outside, and +though I am conscious of the indescribable solitude, I have no wish to +go back. The idea of Rome and my hermitage on the Babuino smiles upon +me; it is a pale, sorrowful smile, but I prefer it to anything else. +There I spread my wings to fly out into the world, and thither I go +back with broken wings,--to wait for the end. + +I am writing mostly in the morning, for at night I always descend +to those dark regions wherein fear dwells. To-day I shall go to the +concert and say good-by to Clara. To-morrow I depart. On the way I may +stop at Vienna, perhaps see Angeli, but am not certain. I am never +certain how I shall feel, or what I shall do the next day. + +I received to-day a note from Clara, in which she asks me to come and +see her after the concert. I shall go to the concert because there are +so many healthy-minded people there that I feel safer in their midst; +and they do not tire me, as they are personally unknown to me; I see +only the crowd. But I shall not go to Clara. She is too kind. It is +said of persons dying from starvation that for some time before their +death they cannot bear the sight of food. In the same way my spiritual +organism cannot stand sympathy and kindness. It cannot bear memories +either. It is a very small thing, but I know now why that visit to +Clara was such a trial to my nerves. She uses the same scent I brought +from Vienna for Aniela. I have noticed the same thing before, that +nothing recalls to the mind a certain person so distinctly as when one +inhales the perfume she is in the habit of using. + + +22 September. + +I have broken down at last. I caught a chill yesterday coming from +the concert-room, where the air was very close. I did not put on my +overcoat, and when I arrived at the hotel I was chilled to the bone. +Every breath I draw gives me a sensation as if my lungs in +expanding came in contact with two rows of needles hidden under the +shoulder-blade. I feel alternately very hot and very cold. I am +continually thirsty. At times I feel so weak that I could not go +downstairs. There is no question now about going away; I could not get +into the carriage without help. While writing I hear my own breath +coming three times as quick and loud as usual. I am quite certain that +but for my nerves the sudden chill would not have done me any harm, +but in my present state of nervous prostration I have lost all power +of resistance. It is undoubtedly inflammation of the lungs. + +I shall keep up as long as I can. In the morning as soon as I felt +ill, I wrote to my aunt, telling her I was all right, and would leave +Berlin in a few days. In a few days, if I am still conscious, I shall +write the same. I asked her to send all letters and telegrams to my +banker here. I shall take care that nobody at Ploszow knows about my +illness. How very fortunate I said good-by to Clara yesterday. + + +23 September. + +I am worse than yesterday. I am feverish and at times conscious that +my thoughts wander, but I have not lain down. When I shut my eyes the +border line between the real and the outcome of my sick brain seems to +vanish altogether. But I have still control over my senses. I am only +afraid the fever will overpower me and I shall lose consciousness +altogether. + +The thought comes now and then into my mind that I, a man more richly +endowed by fate than so many others, who could have a home, a family, +be surrounded by loving hearts, sits here lonely and in sickness, in +a strange place, with nobody near him to give him a glass of water. +Aniela would be near me too--I cannot go on. + + +14 October. + +I resume my writing after an interval of three weeks. Clara has left +me. Seeing me on a fair way to recovery she went to Hanover and +promised to come back in ten days. She nursed me during the whole +time of my illness. It was she who brought a doctor to me. I should +probably have died but for her. I do not remember whether it was the +third or fourth day of my illness she came here. I was conscious, but +at the same time as indifferent as if it were not to me that she had +come, or as if her being there were an every-day occurrence. She came +with the doctor, whose thick, curly, white hair attracted my attention +and fascinated me. After examining me he asked me several questions, +first in German, then in French; and though I understood what he said, +I did not feel the slightest inclination to answer, could not make an +effort,--as if my will-power had been struck down by the disease, as +well as the body. + +They worried me that day with cupping, and then I remained quiet +without any sensations. Sometimes I thought that I was going to die, +but this did not trouble me any more than what was going on around me. +Perhaps in severe illness, even when conscious, we lose the sense of +proportion between great and small matters, and for some reason or +other our attention is mainly fixed upon small things. Thus, for +instance, besides the doctor's curly hair, I was greatly interested in +seeing them push back the upper and lower bolt of the door of the room +adjoining mine, which Clara intended to occupy. I remember that I +could not take my eyes off that door, as if something depended on +whether it would open or not. Presently the surgeon came in who was to +look after me under Clara's supervision. He began to say something to +me, but Clara motioned him to be silent. + +I am still very tired, and must leave off. + + +16 October. + +My nerves have quieted down during that long illness. I have none of +those terrors that haunted me before. I only wish Clara would come +back as quickly as possible. It is not so much a longing for her +presence, as the selfishness of the convalescent, who feels that +nothing can replace her tender care and nursing. I know she will not +dwell close to me any longer; but her presence soothes me. Weakness +and helplessness cling to the protecting power as a child clings to +its mother. I am convinced that no other woman would have done for me +what Clara did; other women would have thought more of the proprieties +than of saving a man's life. Thinking of this, bitterness rises in my +throat, and there is one name on my lips--But those are things better +left alone, as long as I have not strength enough to think about them. +Clara used to sleep fully dressed on the sofa in the room next to +mine, with the door open. Whenever I moved she was at once at +my bedside: I saw her by night, leaning over my bed, her hair +disarranged, and eyes winking with sleeplessness and fatigue. She +herself measured out my physic, and raised my head from the pillow. +When, in moments of consciousness, I wanted to thank her, she put a +finger to her lips as a sign that the doctor had enjoined quietness. I +do not know how many nights she spent at my bedside. She looked very +tired in the daytime, and, when sitting near me in an armchair, +sometimes dozed off in the middle of a sentence. Waking up she smiled +at me, and dozed again. At nights she walked to and fro in her own +room, in order to keep awake; but so softly that I could not have +known it but for the shadow moving on the wall, which I saw through +the open door. Once, when she was near me, not knowing how to express +my gratitude, I raised her hand to my lips; she stooped down quickly, +and, before I could prevent it, kissed my hand. But I must confess +that I was not always so grateful. Sick people as a rule are fanciful +and irritable; I felt irritated at her being so tall. I felt a kind of +resentment that she was not like Aniela; for so long a time I had been +in the habit of acknowledging grace and beauty only in so far as they +approached the grace and beauty of that other one. + +Sometimes, looking at Clara, I irritated myself inwardly by the most +singular thought that she is beautiful, not because nature meant +her to be beautiful,--not by right of her race,--but by a fortunate +accident of birth. Sometimes other beautiful feminine heads made +upon me the same impression. These are subtle shades which only very +delicate and sensitive nerves can perceive. + +There were moments, especially at night, when, looking at Clara's face +grown thin and tired with watching me, I had a delusion that I saw the +other one. This happened when she was sitting in the half-light, a +certain distance from my bed. This delusion was fostered by fever and +a sick brain, for which impossibilities do not exist. Sometimes my +mind wandered and I called Clara by that other's name, spoke to her as +if she were Aniela. I remember it as if in a dream. + + +17 October. + +The banker B. sent me some letters written by my aunt. She asks me +about my plans for the future. She writes even about the crops, but +nothing about the inmates of Ploszow. I do not even know whether they +be alive or dead. What an irritating way of writing letters. What do I +care about the crops, and about the whole estate? I replied at once, +and could not disguise my displeasure. + + +18 October. + +To-day I received a telegram from Kromitzki addressed to Warsaw. My +aunt, instead of sending its contents in another telegram, put it into +an envelope, and sent it by post. Kromitzki entreats me to save my own +money and his whole future by sending him another twenty-five thousand +roubles. Beading this I merely shrugged my shoulders. What do I care +now for Kromitzki or my money? Let it go with the rest! If he only +knew the reason I helped him the first time, he would not ask me now. +Let him bear his losses as quietly as I bear mine. Moreover, there is +awaiting him the "great news;" that ought to comfort him. Rejoice as +much as you can; have as many children as you like; but if you think I +am going to provide for their future, you ask a little too much. + +If at least she had not sacrificed me with such inconsiderate egoism +to her so-called "principles." But enough of this; my brain cannot +stand it,--let me at least be ill in peace. + + +20 October. + +They cannot let me alone,--found me even here. Again for two days I +had no peace; again I press both hands against my head to stop that +whirring sound in my brain. I think again of Ploszow and of her, +and of the solitude that is awaiting me. It is a fearful thing +when suddenly something goes out of our life for which we lived +exclusively. I do not know whether illness has weakened my brain, but +I simply cannot understand various phenomena that I perceive within +myself. It seems as if jealousy had outlived my love. + +It is a twofold jealousy,--a jealousy not only of facts, but of +feelings. I am torn by the thought that the child which is to be born +will take Aniela's heart from me, and what is more, and concerns me +most, it will bring her closer to Kromitzki. I would not have her now +if she were free; but I cannot bear the thought of her loving her +husband. I would give all that remains of life if nobody would love +her, and she not love anybody any more. Under such conditions life +might be endurable still. + + +21 October. + +If what is now in my mind does not save me, I shall again fall ill, or +perhaps go mad. I am making up my accounts. Is there anything owing to +me from life? Nothing. What is awaiting me in the future? Nothing. If +so, there is no reason why I should not make a present of myself +to somebody whom that present would make happy. For my life, my +intellect, my abilities,--for the whole of my own self I would not +give a stiver. Moreover, I do not love Clara; but if she loves me, and +sees her happiness in me, it would be cruel to refuse her what I hold +so very cheap. I should consider it my duty to tell her what she is +taking; worse for her if it does not discourage her,--but that will be +her concern. + +This plan attracts me chiefly for one reason,--namely, it widens the +gulf that separates me from the other one. I will prove to her that, +as she has taken her own way, I am able to take mine. Then there will +be an end of it. But I am thinking of her still! I notice it, and +it puts me into a rage. Perhaps it is hatred now; but it is not +indifference. + +Pani Kromitzka probably fancied that I tore myself away forced by +circumstances; she will see now that it was also my wish. And the +thicker the wall I raise up between us, the sooner I shall be able to +banish her from my mind. As to Clara, I repeat that I do not love her; +but she loves me. Moreover, I owe her a debt of gratitude. During my +illness there were moments when I considered Clara's devotedness a +piece of German sentimentality, and yet the other one would not have +found courage enough for such sentimentality. It would be more in +accordance with her exalted virtue to let a man die than to see +him without his necktie; this is a freedom reserved for the lawful +husband. Clara did not care anything about such things; she gave up +for me her music, exposed herself to trouble, sleepless nights, and +possibly to the world's comments, and stood by me. I contracted +towards her a debt, and am going to pay it. I pay it badly and in +bad faith; for I offer to her what I do not value myself,--the mere +remnants of what was once a man. But if she values it, let it be hers. + +To my aunt it will be a disappointment; it will hurt her family pride +and patriotic feelings. Yet, if my aunt could but know what has been +lately going on in my heart, she would prefer this matrimonial scheme +to that other love; I have not the slightest doubt as to that. What +does it matter that Clara's ancestors were most probably weavers? I +have no prejudices; I have only nerves. Any casual view I take tends +rather towards liberalism. Sometimes I fancy that people professing to +be liberals are more narrow in their views than conservatives; but, on +the other hand, liberalism itself is resting on a larger basis than +conservatism, and more in accord with Christ's teachings; but I am +wholly indifferent to both parties. It is scarcely worth speaking or +reasoning about them. Real unhappiness shows us the emptiness of mere +partisan hair-splittings. Involuntarily I fall to thinking, "How will +Aniela receive the news of my resolve?" I have been so accustomed to +feel through her that the painful habit still clings to me. + + +22 October. + +This morning I sent the letter to Clara. To-morrow I shall have a +reply, or perhaps Clara herself will come tonight. In the afternoon +they sent me a second despatch from Kromitzki. It expresses as much +despair as a few words can contain. Things seem to have turned out +very badly, indeed; even I did not think ruin would come so quickly. +Some unexpected circumstances must have intervened that even Kromitzki +could not have foreseen. The loss I incur does not make a great +difference to me; I shall always be what I was,--but Kromitzki? Why +should I deceive myself? There lurks somewhere in a corner of my heart +a certain satisfaction at his ruin,--if only for the reason that these +two will be now entirely dependent on us; that is, upon my aunt, who +is the administrator of the Ploszow estate, and myself. In the mean +while I do not intend to reply at all. If I changed my intention +it would be to send him my congratulation at the expected family +increase. Later on it will be different. I will secure their future; +they shall have enough to live upon and more. + + +23 October. + +Clara has not arrived, and up to this moment there is no answer. This +is the more strange as she used to write every day, inquiring after my +health. Her silence would not surprise me if I thought she wanted even +ten minutes to make up her mind. I shall wait patiently; but it would +be better if she did not put it off. I feel that if I had not sent off +that letter, I should send now another like it; but if I could take it +back I should probably do so. + + +24 October. + +This is what Clara writes:-- + +Dear Monsieur Leon,--Upon receiving your letter I felt so foolishly +happy that I wanted to start for Berlin at once. But it is because I +love you sincerely that I listened to the voice which said to me that +the greatest love ought not to be the greatest egoism, and that I had +no right to sacrifice you for myself. + +You do not love me, Monsieur Leon. I would give my life were it +otherwise; but you do not love me. Your letter has been written in a +moment of impulse and despair. From the first instant of meeting you +in Berlin I noticed that you were neither well in body nor easy in +your mind, and it troubled me; the best proof of this is that although +you had wished me good-by, I sent every day to the hotel inquiring +whether you had gone, until I was told you were ill. Afterwards, +nursing you in your illness, I became convinced that my second fear +had been also right, and that you had some hidden sorrow, one of those +painful disappointments, after which it is difficult to be reconciled +to life. + +Now I have a conviction--and God knows how heavily it weighs upon +my heart--that you want to bind your life to mine in order to drown +certain memories, to forget and put a barrier between you and the +past. In the face of that is it possible that I could agree to what +you ask? In refusing your hand, the worst that can happen to me is +that I shall feel very unhappy, but I shall not have to reproach +myself with having become a burden and a dead weight upon you. I have +loved you from the first time we met, therefore it is nothing new +to me; and I have got used to the sorrow which is the inevitable +consequence of separation and the hopeless certainty that my love will +never be returned. But even if my life be sad, I can weep either with +tears in the usual woman-fashion, or through my music as an artist. I +shall always have that comfort at least, that when you think of me it +will be as a dear friend or sister. With this I can live. But if I +were your wife and came to see that you regretted your impulsiveness, +were not happy, perhaps learned to hate me, I should certainly +die. Besides, I say to myself: "What have you done to deserve such +happiness?" It is almost impossible to imagine perfect happiness. Can +you understand that one may love somebody with all one's heart in a +humble spirit? I can understand it, for I love thus. + +What I am going to say seems to me overbold, yet I do not feel it in +my heart to give up hope altogether. Do not be angry with me; God is +merciful, and the human soul is so athirst for happiness that it would +fain leave a door open for it to enter. If you ask me again in half a +year, a year, or any time in life the same question, I shall consider +myself rewarded for all I have suffered, and for the tears I am +shedding even at this moment. + + +Clara. + +There is within me something that is keenly conscious and can +appreciate every word of this noble letter. Not a syllable is lost to +me, and I say to myself: "All the more reason for asking her again; +she is so honest, simple, and loving." But there is also that other +self, very tired, who had all the strength taken out of him, who can +give sympathy but no love; because he has staked his all upon one +feeling, and sees clearly that for him there is no return. + + +28 October. + +I am quite certain that Clara will not come back to Berlin; and what +is more, that when she went away it was with the intention of not +coming back again. She wanted to avoid my gratitude. I think of her +gratefully and sadly, and am sorry she did not meet a different man +from me. There is such an irony of fate in this! But what is the use +of deceiving myself? I am still yoked to my memories. I see before me +Aniela, as she appeared to me at Warsaw, as I saw her at Ploszow and +Gastein; and I cannot tear myself away from the past. Besides, it has +absorbed so much of my strength and life that I am not surprised at +it. The difficulty is, not to remember. Every instant I catch myself +in the act of thinking about Aniela, and I have to remind myself +that she is changed now, that her feelings will be going, have gone +already, into another direction, and that I am nothing to her now. + +Formerly I preferred not to think of my wrecked condition, because my +brain could not stand the thought; now I do it sometimes on purpose, +if only to defend myself against the voice that calls out: "Is it her +fault? and how do you know what is passing in her heart? She would not +be a woman if she did not love her own child when it comes into the +world, but who told you that she is not as unhappy as you are?" At +times it seems to me that she is even more unhappy, and then I wish +for another inflammation of the lungs. Life with such a chaos of +thoughts is impossible. + + +30 October. + +With my returning health I am gradually drifting back into the magic +circle. The doctor says that in a few days I shall be able to travel. +I will go hence, for it is too near Warsaw and Ploszow. It may be one +of my nervous whims, but I feel I shall be better and more at rest in +Rome on the Babuino. I do not promise myself to forget the past; on +the contrary, I shall think of it from morning until night, but the +thoughts will be like unto meditations behind cloister walls. Besides, +what can I know of how it will be? All I know is that I cannot remain +here any longer. I shall call upon Angeli by the way; I must have her +portrait at Rome. + + +2 November. + +I leave Berlin, I renounce Rome, and go back to Ploszow. I wrote some +time ago that Aniela is not only the beloved woman, but the very +crown of my head. Yes, it is a fact; let it be called by any +name,--neurosis, or an old man's madness; I have got it in my blood +and in my soul. + +I am going to Ploszow. I will serve her, take care of her, do for her +what I can; and for all reward let me be able to look at her. I wonder +at myself that I fancied I should be able to live without seeing her. +One letter from my aunt brought out all that was buried within me. My +aunt says:-- + +"I did not write much about us, because I had nothing cheerful to tell +you; and as I am not clever at disguising things, I feared I should +make you uneasy, knowing that you were not well. I am in terrible +anxiety about Kromitzki, and should like to have your advice. +Chwastowski showed me his son's letter, in which he says that +Kromitzki's affairs are in a deplorable state, and that he is +threatened with legal prosecution. Everybody has deceived him. He +suddenly received orders to deliver a great quantity of goods, and as +the appointed term was very short, he had no time to look into things +and see whether everything was as it should be. It turned out that all +the goods were bad,--imitations, and second and third rate quality. +They were rejected; and in addition Kromitzki is threatened with a +trial for defrauding the agency. God grant that we may be able to +prevent this, especially as he is innocent. Ruin does not matter, +provided there be no disgrace. I am altogether at a loss what to do +and how to save him. I do not like to risk the money I intended Aniela +to have, and yet we must not let it come to a trial. Tell me what to +do, Leon; for you are wise and will know what is expedient in these +matters. I have not told Celina anything about it, nor Aniela,--and I +am very anxious about Aniela. I cannot understand what is the matter +with her. Celina is the worthiest of women, but she always had +exaggerated ideas about modesty, and has brought up Aniela in the same +way. I do not doubt that Aniela will be the best of mothers, but now +I am quite angry with her. A married woman ought to be prepared for +consequences, and Aniela seems to be in despair, as if it were a +disgrace. Nearly every day I see traces of tears in her eyes. It +torments me to see her looking so thin and pale, with those dark +rings under her eyes and ready to burst into tears at the slightest +provocation; and there is always an expression of pain and humiliation +in her face. I have never in my life seen a young woman so distressed +at her situation. I tried persuasion and I tried scolding,--all in +vain. Perhaps I love her too much, and in my old age am losing my +former energy; but then she is such an affectionate creature! If you +only knew how she asks after you day by day, whether a letter has +arrived and if you were well, when you will be going, and how long you +mean to stop at Berlin. She knows I like to speak about you, and +she makes me talk for hours. God give her strength to bear all the +troubles that are awaiting her. I am really so concerned about +her health that I positively dare not give her any hint about her +husband's position. But sooner or later it must come to her ears. I +have not said anything to Celina either, because she is troubled about +Aniela, and cannot understand why she should take her position so +tragically." + +Why? I alone in the world understand and could have answered that +question,--and that is the reason I go back to Ploszow. It is not her +position she takes tragically, but my desertion. My despair she is +aware of, the sundering of those ties that have grown dear to her from +the time when after so much suffering, so many efforts, she contrived +to change them into ideal relations. Only now I enter into her +thoughts, into her very soul. From the moment I came back to Ploszow +there arose a struggle between duty and feeling in that noble heart. +She wished to remain true to him to whom she had promised her faith, +because her spiritual nature abhors impurity and falsehood; and at the +same time she could not help being drawn to the man she had loved with +all the fresh feelings of her young heart,--all the more as the man +was near her, loved her, and was supremely unhappy. Whole months had +passed in that struggle. At last there came a moment of peace, when +the feeling had become a union of souls so pure and unearthly that +neither her modesty nor her loyalty could take exception to it. This +is the reason of her unhappiness; I am reading now her soul as an open +book,--therefore I go back. + +I also now see clearly that I would not have left her if I had had a +complete certainty that her feelings would outlast all changes in her +life. The mere animal jealousy that fills my mind with rage because +another has rights over her which are denied to me would not have been +sufficient to drive me away from the one woman who is all the world to +me. But I thought that the child, even before it was born, would take +possession of her heart, draw her closer to her husband, and blot me +out of her heart and life forever. + +I do not delude myself even now, for I know that I shall not be to +her what I have been, nor what I might have been but for the combined +forces of circumstances. I might have been the dearest and only one +for her, attaching her to life and happiness; now it will be quite +different. But as long as there is a glimmering spark of feeling for +me I will not leave her, because I cannot; I have nowhere to go. + +Therefore I return; I shall nurse that spark, fan it into life again, +and get some warmth from it for myself. I am reading again my aunt's +words: "If you only knew how she asks after you day by day, whether a +letter has arrived, and if you were well, when you will be going, and +how long you mean to stop at Berlin," and I cannot fill myself enough +with these words. It is as if I had been starving, and somebody had +given me a piece of bread. I am eating it, and feel as if I could cry +from sheer gratitude. Perhaps God's mercy toward me is beginning to +appear at last. For I feel that I am changed; the former self has +died in me. I shall not revolt against her will any more; I will bear +everything, will soothe and comfort her; I will even save her husband. + + +4 November. + +After thinking it over, I remain two days more at Berlin. It is a +great sacrifice for me, because I can scarcely contain myself in my +impatience; but it is necessary to send a letter to prepare her for my +coming. A telegram might alarm her, as also my sudden arrival. I have +sent off a cheerful letter, winding up with a friendly message for +Aniela as if nothing ever had happened between us. I want her to +understand that I am reconciled to my fate, and that I come back the +same I was before I left her. My aunt must have counted upon my coming +on receipt of her letter. + + +Warsaw, 6 November. + +I arrived this morning. My aunt awaited me at Warsaw. At Ploszow +things are a little better. Aniela is much calmer. There is no news +from Kromitzki. + +The poor old aunt met me with a horrified exclamation,--"Leon, +whatever has happened to you?" She did not know I had been so ill, +and protracted illness alters one's appearance; and my hair has +grown quite gray on the temples. I even thought of darkening it +artificially. I do not want to look old now. My aunt, too, had changed +very much, and although it is not so long since we parted, I found a +great difference in her appearance. Her face has lost its familiar +determined expression, though her features have grown more immovable. +I noticed that her head is trembling a little, especially when she +is listening with deep attention. When with some inward trouble I +inquired after her health, she said, with her usual frankness, "After +my return from Gastein I felt very well; but now everything seems to +go wrong, and I feel that my time is coming. We Ploszowskis all end +with paralysis; and I feel a numbness in my arm every morning. But it +is not worth talking about; it will be as God ordains." + +She would not say anything more. Instead of that we took counsel +together how to help Kromitzki, and we resolved not to let it come to +a criminal prosecution if we could help it. We could not save him from +ruin, as this would have involved our own ruin, which, if only in +consideration for Aniela, we must avoid. I made a proposition to +settle Kromitzki here, by giving him one of the larger farms. God +knows how my mind recoiled from, the very thought of his being always +with Aniela, but to make my sacrifice complete I had made up my mind +to swallow the bitter draught. + +My aunt offers one of her farms, and I am furnishing the necessary +capital to establish him, which, taken together, will be Aniela's +dowry. Kromitzki will have to pass his word not to embark in further +speculation. But before that can be done we must get him free, and for +that purpose we are going to send out an able lawyer with instructions +and ample means. + +When we had finished our consultation I began to inquire after Aniela. +My aunt told me, among other things, that she was very much changed, +and her former beauty almost gone. Hearing this, I felt the more pity +for her. Nothing will be able to turn my heart from her. She is the +very crown of my head. I wanted to start off at once for Ploszow, but +my aunt said she felt tired, and wanted to pass the night at Warsaw. +As I had told her about my having had inflammation of the lungs, I +suspect she remained on purpose so as not to let me travel in bad +weather. It has been raining since morning. Besides we should not have +been able to go, as Kromitzki's affairs must be dealt with at once. + + +7 November. + +We arrived in Ploszow at seven in the evening. It is now midnight, and +the whole house is asleep. Thank God, the meeting did not excite her +much. She came out to me with hesitating step, and there was fear and +shame in her eyes; but I had vowed to myself to meet her as if we had +parted yesterday, and take care to avoid anything in the nature of +reconciliation, anything to remind her that we had parted under +unusual circumstances. When I saw her coming, I put out my hand, +saying cheerfully,-- + +"How do you do, dear Aniela? I have been longing to see you all, and +it made me put off my sea voyage for another time." + +She understood at once that such a greeting meant reconciliation, +peace, and the sacrifice of myself for her sake. For a moment there +passed across her face a wave of such emotion that I felt afraid she +would lose command over herself. She wanted to say something and could +not; she only pressed my hand. I thought she might burst into tears, +but I did not give her time, and continued quickly in the same tone:-- + +"What about the portrait? The head was finished when you left Vienna, +was it not? Angeli will not send it soon, because he said to me it +would be his masterpiece. He will want to exhibit it in Vienna, +Munich, and Paris. It is lucky I asked him to make a copy, otherwise +we might wait a year before we got it. I wanted a copy for myself." + +She was obliged to fall in with my humor in spite of all the emotions +that worked in her breast, especially as my aunt and Pani Celina took +part in the conversation. In this way the first awkward moments were +tided over. Everything I said was intended to divert our attention +from the real state of feelings. I kept on in the same strain all the +evening, although at times I felt the perspiration breaking out on my +forehead from the effort. I was still weak after my recent illness, +and all this told upon me terribly. + +During supper Aniela looked at my pale face and the gray hairs. I +saw she guessed what I must have suffered. I spoke about my Berlin +experiences almost gayly. I avoided looking at her changed appearance, +so as not to let her see that I had noticed it, and that the sight +moved me deeply. Towards the end of the evening I felt faint several +times, but I fought against it, and she did not see anything in my +face except calmness, serenity, and boundless affection. She is very +keen-sighted; she knows, perceives, understands things very quickly; +but I fairly surpassed myself,--I was so natural and so much at my +ease. Even if there be still any lingering doubt in her mind as to my +submission, she has none as to my affection and her being to me the +same worshipped Aniela. + +I noticed that she seemed better and evidently began to revive in the +warmer atmosphere. I had indeed reason to be proud of myself, for +I brought at once an appearance of cheerfulness into a house where +dulness had reigned paramount. My aunt and Pani Celina appreciated it +keenly. The latter said frankly when I wished her good-night:-- + +"Thank Heaven, you have come. Everything looks different at once with +you in the house." + +Aniela, pressing my hand, said shyly, "You will not go away soon, will +you?" + +"No, Aniela," I replied; "I will not go away again." And I went, or +rather fled, to my room, because I felt that I could bear the strain +no longer. There had been such an accumulation of misery and tears in +my heart during that evening that I felt half choked. There are small +sacrifices that cost more than great ones. + + +8 November. + +Why do I repeat to myself so often that she is as the crown of my +head? Because one must love a woman more than life, consider her as +the crown of life, if he does not leave her under circumstances like +these. I am perfectly aware that mere physical repugnance would have +driven me from any other woman; and since I remain here the thought +occurs to me again that my love must be an aberration of the nerves, +which could not exist were I a normally healthy specimen of mankind. +The modern man, who explains to himself everything by the word +"neurosis," and is conscious of all that is going on within himself, +has not even the comfort which a conviction of his own faithfulness +might give him. For if he says to himself, "Your faithfulness +and perseverance are signs of disease, not virtues," it adds one +bitterness the more. If consciousness of all these things makes life +so much more difficult, why do we take so much care to cultivate it. + +To-day, by daylight, I noticed how much Aniela is changed, and my +heart was torn at the sight. Her mouth is swollen, and the once so +pure brow has lost its purity and clearness. My aunt was right,--her +beauty is almost gone. But the eyes are the same as those of the +former Aniela, and that is enough for me. That changed face only +increases my pity and tenderness, and she is dearer to me than ever. +If she were ten times more changed I should love her still. If this be +disease, I am sickening with it, and do not wish to get well again; I +would rather die of this disease than of any other. + + +9 November. + +A time will come when under changed circumstances she will recover her +beauty. I thought of it to-day and at once asked myself what would be +our relations towards each other in the future, and whether it would +make any change. I am certain it will not. I know already how it feels +to live without her, and shall not do anything which might make her +cast me off. She will always remain the same; I have now not the +slightest doubt that I am necessary to her life, but I know also that +she will never call the feeling she has for me by any other name than +great sisterly affection. What matters the name? it will be always the +ideal love of one soul towards another; and that is lawful, because +permitted to brother and sister. Were it otherwise, she would be in +arms against it at once. + +In regard to this I have no illusion whatever. I have already said +that since she changed our mutual relations into ideal feelings, they +have become dear to her. Let it remain thus, provided they be dear to +her. + + +10 November. + +It is an altogether wrong idea that the modern product of civilization +is less susceptible to love. I sometimes think it is the other way. He +who is deprived of one lung breathes all the harder with the remaining +one; we have lost much of what makes up the sum of life, and are +endowed instead with a nervous system more highly strung and more +sensitive than that of our ancestors. It is quite another matter that +a lack of red globules in our blood creates abnormal and unhealthy +feelings, and the tragedy of human life rather increases therefore +than grows less. It is increased for the very reason that, whereas the +former man in his disappointments found consolation in religion +and social duties, the modern man does not find it there. Formerly +character proved a strong curb for passions; in the present there is +not much strength in character, and it grows less and less because of +the prevailing scepticism, which is a decomposing element. It is like +a bacillus breeding in the human soul; it destroys the resistant power +against the physiological craving of the nerves, of nerves diseased. +The modern man is conscious of everything, and cannot find a remedy +against anything. + + +11 November. + +There has been no news from Kromitzki for some time; even Aniela has +not heard from him. I sent him a telegram to inform him that a lawyer +was coming out to him to set his affairs straight; then I wrote to +him,--trusting to chance that he may get the letter; for we do not +know where he is at present. No doubt the telegram and letter will +find him in time, but where or when we do not know. The elder +Chwastowski has written to his son; perhaps he first will hear +something as to how matters stand. + +I spend whole hours with Aniela, with nothing to disturb us. Pani +Celina, who knows now about Kromitzki's position, asked me to prepare +Aniela for any news she might be likely to receive. I have already +told Aniela what I think in regard to her husband's speculation, but +only from a personal point of view. I told her even that she ought not +to take it to heart if he lost all his money, which after all might be +the best thing that could happen to him, as then he might be able to +settle to a quiet, practical life. I set her mind at rest as to the +money I had lent him, and said that was all right; I also told her +something of my aunt's plans for their future. She listened with +comparative calmness and without showing signs of emotion. What most +gives her strength and comfort is the consciousness that so many +loving hearts are near her. I love her now beyond all words; she sees +it,--she reads it in my eyes, and in my whole manner towards her. When +I succeed in cheering her up, or call forth her smiles, I am beside +myself with delight. There is at present in my love something of the +attachment of the faithful servant who loves his mistress. I often +feel as if I ought to humble myself before her, as if my proper place +were at her feet. She never can grow ugly, changed, or old to me. I +accept everything, agree to everything, and worship her as she is. + + +12 November. + +Kromitzki is dead! The catastrophe has come upon us like a +thunderbolt. God keep Aniela from any harm in her present state. +To-day came a telegram to the effect that, accused of fraud and +threatened with imprisonment, he has taken his life. I should have +expected anything but that! Kromitzki is dead! Aniela is free! But how +will she bear it? I have been looking again and again at the telegram, +to make sure I am not dreaming. I cannot yet believe my own eyes; but +the signature, "Chwastowski," vouches for its truth. I knew it could +not end well, but I never supposed the end would be so speedy and so +tragic. No! the thought never crossed my mind. + +I feel as if I had received a blow on the head. If my brain does not +give way now, it can bear anything. I once helped Kromitzki, and +latterly I have done what I could for him, consequently I have nothing +to reproach myself with. There was a time when from my whole soul I +wished him dead,--that is true; but it is all the more to my credit +that I helped him in spite of that. And death has overtaken him, not +in consequence of anything I did, but in spite of it. And Aniela is +free! Strange, though I know it, I cannot believe it altogether. I +am as if only half conscious. Kromitzki to me was a mere stranger, +moreover the greatest obstacle in my way. The obstacle is removed, +therefore I ought to feel a boundless joy; and yet I cannot, dare not +feel it,--possibly because a fear of the consequences for Aniela is +connected with it. My first thought when I received the telegram was: +"What will happen to Aniela? How will she bear the news?" God guard +her! She did not love the man, but in her present state a shock may +kill her. I am thinking of taking her away from here. + +What a fortunate thing that I received the telegram in my own room, +and not in the dining-room. I do not know whether I should have been +able to control my features. For some time I could not recover myself +from the sudden shock. I then went to my aunt, but did not show her +the telegram. I said only:-- + +"I have had bad news about Kromitzki." + +"What has happened?" + +"You must not be shocked, aunty." + +"They brought him up for trial,--is that it?" + +"No, it is worse; he is brought up for trial, but before a higher +tribunal than ours." + +My aunt winked with both eyes vigorously. + +"What do you mean, Leon?" + +I showed her the telegram. She read it, and without saying a word went +to her prie-Dieu and buried her face in her hands. After a short time +she rose from her knees and said:-- + +"Aniela may pay for it with her life. What is to be done?" + +"She must not know anything until after the child is born." + +"But how can we prevent it? It will be in everybody's mouth; the +papers will discuss it. How can we keep it from her?" + +"Dearest aunt," I said, "there is only one way. We must have the +doctor here and ask him to prescribe for her a change of air. Then I +will take her and Pani Celina to Rome. There I can keep all news from +her. Here it would be difficult, especially when the servants come to +hear about it?" + +"But will she be able to bear the journey?" + +"I do not know; it all depends upon what the doctor says; I will send +for him at once." + +My aunt agreed to my proposal. It was really the best thing to do +under the circumstances. We resolved to take Pani Celina into our +confidence, in order that she might further our plan of departure. I +saw all the servants, and gave strict orders that all letters, papers, +and telegrams should be brought direct to my room, and nobody approach +the young lady with any news or gossip whatever. + +My aunt was terribly shocked. According to her views, suicide is one +of the greatest crimes anybody can commit; therefore with the pity for +the unfortunate man, there was a great deal of horror and +indignation. "He ought not to have done this," she said over and over +again,--"especially now when he expected to become a father." But I +suppose he might not have received news of that. During the last few +weeks he must have been in a state of feverish anxiety, travelling +from one place to another as the entangled position of his affairs +drove him. + +I dare not condemn him, and will confess openly that it has raised the +man in my esteem. There are some men who, justly accused of fraud and +wrong-dealing, and sentenced to imprisonment, take it easy, and pass +their time in prison gayly drinking champagne. He did not do that,--he +preferred death to disgrace. Maybe he remembered who he was. I should +have less sympathy with him if he had made away with himself merely +because he had failed; but I suppose even that would have been a +sufficient motive for him to do so. I remember what he said about +it at Gastein. If my love be a neurosis, then most undoubtedly his +feverish desire for gold is the same. When this one aim went out from +his life, this one basis slipped away from under his feet, he saw +before him, perhaps, a gulf and a desert such as I saw when alone at +Berlin. And what could hold him back? The thought of Aniela? He knew +we would take care of her; and besides,--who knows?--perhaps in a dim +way he felt that he was not necessary to her happiness. I did not +think he had it in him; I had not expected from him so much energy and +courage, and I confess that I judged him wrongly. + +I had put down my pen, but take it up again because I cannot sleep; +and besides, while writing my thoughts flow more evenly, and I do not +feel my brain reeling. Aniela is free! Aniela is free! I repeat it to +myself and cannot encompass the whole meaning. I feel as if I could +go mad with joy, and at the same time I am seized with an undefined +dread. Is it really true that a new life is dawning for me? What is +it? Is it one of Nature's tricks, or is it God's mercy at last for all +I suffered, and for the great love I bear in my heart? Perhaps there +exists a mystic law which gives the woman to the man who loves her +most in order that a great, eternal commandment of the Creator should +be fulfilled. I do not know. I have a feeling as if I and all those +near me were carried away by an immense wave, beyond human will or +human control. + +I interrupted my writing again, because the carriage I sent for the +doctor has come back without him. He has an operation on hand and +could not come, but promised to be here in the morning. He must remain +with us at Ploszow until our departure, and go with us to Rome. There +I shall find others to take his place. + +It is late in the night. Aniela is asleep, and has no foreboding of +what is hanging over her, what a complete change in her life has taken +place. May it bring peace and happiness to her! She deserves it all. +Perhaps it is for her sake God's mercy is showing. + +My nerves are so overstrung that I start when I hear a dog barking in +the distance, or the watchman's rattle; it seems to me as if somebody +were bringing news and trying to get to Aniela. I make an effort to +calm myself, and explain away the strange fear that haunts me, by the +state of Aniela's health; I try to be convinced that but for this I +should not feel so uneasy. I repeat to myself that my fear will pass, +as everything passes, and afterwards there will be the beginning of a +new life. + +I have to familiarize myself with the thought that Kromitzki is no +more. Out of this catastrophe springs my happiness, such happiness as +I dared not hope for; but there is within us a moral instinct which +forbids us to rejoice at the death of even an enemy. And moreover in +death itself there is an awful solemnity,--those who speak in presence +of it speak in hushed voices; that is the reason I dare not rejoice. + + +13 November. + +All my plans are shattered. The doctor came this morning, and after +examining Aniela, announced that there could be no question of any +long journey for her, as it would be positively dangerous. There seem +to be some irregularities in her state. What a torture to hear his +professional jargon, when every word he utters seems to threaten the +life of the beloved woman. I told the doctor the position we are in, +and he said that between two dangers he preferred the lesser one. + +What troubled and angered me most was his advice to tell Aniela, after +due preparation, about her husband's death. Alas! I cannot deny that +from his point of view he is right. "If you are quite sure," he said, +"that you can keep it from Pani Kromitzka for some months to come, it +would certainly be better to do so; but if not, it would be advisable +to prepare her mind and then tell her; for if she receives the news +suddenly there may be another catastrophe." + +What is to be done? I must establish a quarantine around Ploszow, not +let a paper or letter come in unknown to me, instruct the servants +what to say, and to keep even their features under command. + +What an impression news like this makes upon every one; I had an +illustration in Pani Celina, to whom we had to tell the truth. She +fainted twice, and then went off into hysterics; which almost drove me +frantic, because I thought she would be heard all over the house. And +yet she was not fond of her son-in-law; but she too, I suppose, was +mostly afraid for Aniela. I am strenuously opposed to the doctor's +advice, and do not think I shall ever agree to it. I cannot tell them +one thing,--that Aniela did not love her husband, and that for that +very reason the shock will be more terrible to her. + +It is not merely a question of sorrow after the death of a beloved +being, but of the reproaches she will apply to herself, thinking that +if she had loved him more he might have clung more to his life. Empty, +trivial, and unjust reproaches, for she did everything that force +of will could command,--she spurned my love and remained pure and +faithful to him. But one must know that soul full of scruples as I +know it, to gauge the depth of misery into which the news would plunge +her, and how she would suspect herself,--asking whether his death did +not correspond to some deeply hidden desire on her part for freedom +and happiness; whether it did not gratify those wishes she had +scarcely dared to form. My hair seems to rise at the very thought, +because it is his death that opens a new life for her; consequently it +will be a twofold shock,--two blows to fall upon the dear head. This, +neither the doctor, my aunt, nor Pani Celina can understand. No! she +ought not to be told until after the event. + +What a misfortune that she cannot go away! Here it is difficult, +almost impossible, to guard her. She will read in our faces what has +happened. The least word, the least glance will rouse her suspicion, +and she will fancy all sorts of things. To-day she was surprised by +the sudden arrival of the doctor. Pani Celina told me she had inquired +why he was sent for and whether she was in any danger. Fortunately, my +aunt, always ready for any emergency, said that it was the usual thing +in such a case to call in the doctor from time to time. Aniela has no +experience, and believed her at once. How shall I be able to persuade +the servants not to look so mysterious? They already guess that +something is the matter, from my warnings and cautionings, and they +will know all about it in time. I cannot dismiss them all. The +frequent telegrams are enough to excite their curiosity. To-day I had +another telegram from Chwastowski at Baku, with the inquiry what he is +to do with the body. I replied that he should bury it there for the +present. I asked the elder Chwastowski to take it to Warsaw, and sent +a money order by telegraph. I do not know even whether such an order +can be sent from Warsaw to Baku. + +To-day I looked through the papers. In two of them there was a +paragraph about Kromitzki's death. If that is young Chwastowski's +doing, he must be mad. The servants know everything. Their faces are +such that I am surprised Aniela does not suspect something. During +dinner she was cheerful and unusually lively. The doctor's presence is +a great relief to me. Kromitzki is nothing to him. He engages Aniela's +attention, makes jokes, and teaches her to play chess. Pani Celina, +on the contrary, reduces me to despair. The merrier Aniela grew, the +longer and more funereal became her mother's countenance. I spoke to +her about it rather sharply. + + +14 November. + +We are all at Warsaw. They told Aniela that hot-water pipes were to be +laid in all the rooms at Ploszow, and so, to avoid the general upset +and discomfort, we all intended to go to Warsaw. The drive tired her +very much; but I am glad we are here, for I can rely upon my servants. +The house is a little in disorder. A great many pictures are already +unpacked. Aniela, in spite of being tired, wanted to see them, and I +acted as cicerone. I told her that it was my greatest wish to be at +some time her cicerone at Rome, and she replied, with a shade of +sadness:-- + +"I, too, often dream of seeing Rome, but sometimes I think that I +shall never go there." + +Her words caused me a twinge of anguish, for I am afraid of +everything, even presentiments, and am ready to see in every word a +forecast of evil. + +"I promise you shall go to Rome and stop there as long as you like," I +replied cheerfully. + +It is strange how easily human nature adapts itself to a new position +and exercises its rights. Involuntarily I look upon Aniela as my own, +and guard her as my property. + +The doctor was right. We did well to come to Warsaw,--firstly, because +in case of any sudden emergency there is help at hand; secondly, we +are not obliged to receive visitors. At Ploszow we could not have +avoided that, as it is impossible to turn away a visitor from one's +own gates; and probably a great many would have come with condolences. +Finally, at Ploszow there existed already a mysterious, heavy +atmosphere, in which my efforts to give the conversation a light and +cheerful turn appeared unnatural. I suppose this cannot be avoided +even here, but Aniela's mind will be occupied with hundreds of little +sensations, and be less observant of any slight changes in her +surroundings than she would be at Ploszow. She will not go out often, +and never alone. The doctor orders exercise, but I have found means +for that. Beyond the stables there is a good-sized garden with a +wooden gallery near the wall. I will have it glazed, and in bad +weather Aniela can walk there. It is a terrible strain, this continual +anxiety hanging over our heads. + + +15 November. + +How did it happen? How the slightest suspicion could have entered +her head I cannot understand. And yet it is there. To-day, during +breakfast, she suddenly raised her eyes, looked inquiringly at all of +us in turn and said:-- + +"I cannot quite make it out, but I am under the impression that you +are concealing something from me." + +I felt myself growing pale,--Pani Celina behaved most fatally; only +the dear old aunt did not lose her presence of mind and at once began +to scold Aniela:-- + +"Of course we are hiding something, and did not like to tell you +that we consider that little head of yours a foolish one. Leon said +yesterday that you would never learn to play chess, as you had no idea +about combination." + +I breathed more easily, and getting hold of the clue began to make fun +of her. Aniela seemed satisfied for the moment, but I am quite +certain that we have not dispersed her suspicion, and that even my +cheerfulness may have seemed artificial to her. My aunt and Pani +Celina were thoroughly frightened, and I was in despair; for I saw +how fruitless would be our endeavors so keep the thing from her +altogether. I fancy that Aniela suspects we are keeping from her some +bad news about her husband's financial affairs; but what will she +think if week after week passes and she does not get any letters from +him? What can we tell her; how explain the silence? + +Towards noon the doctor came. We told him what had happened, and he +repeated what he had said before, that it would be better to let her +know the truth. + +"Naturally Pani Kromitzka will be getting anxious at not receiving any +letters, and thence will draw the worst conclusions." + +I still tried to avoid extreme measures and said that this anxiety +would prepare her mind for the news. + +"Yes," replied the doctor, "but anxiety prepares the organism badly +for an ordeal which even under more favorable circumstances would not +be an easy thing to bear." + +Perhaps he is right, but my heart quakes with terror. Everything has +its limits, and so has human courage There is something within me that +protests desperately against this, and I am afraid of the voice which +says, "No." + +The ladies have almost made up their minds to tell her to-morrow. I +will have nothing to do with it. I had no idea one could be afraid to +such an extent. But it is a question concerning her. + + +16 November. + +All was well until evening, when suddenly hemorrhage set in. And I +had said no! It is three o'clock at night. She has fallen asleep. The +doctor is with her. I must be calm--I must. It is necessary for her +that somebody in the house should preserve his presence of mind--I +must. + + +17 November + +The doctor says that the first phase of illness is progressing +according to rules. What does that mean? Does it mean that she will +die? The fever is not very great. This seems to be always so the first +two days. She is quite conscious, feels out of sorts and very weak, +but suffers little. The doctor prepared us to expect that the fever +would increase gradually up to forty degrees; there will be great +pains, sickness, and swelling of the feet--that is what he promises! + +Let there be at once also the end of the world! O God! if that is to +be my punishment, I swear I will go away, never to see her again in +life,--only save her! + + +18 November. + +I have not seen her. I sit at her door almost bereft of my senses; but +I do not go in, because I am afraid that the sight of me will make her +worse and increase the fever. At times a horrible idea crosses my mind +that I am going mad and might kill Aniela in a fit of insanity. That +is the reason I force myself to write, for it seems to me that it is +the best way of keeping my senses under control. + + +19 November. + +I heard her voice and her moans through the door. In that illness the +suffering is terrible. According to the doctor it is the usual sign, +but to me it seems blind cruelty! My aunt says she clings round her +neck and her mother's and asks them for help. And nothing can be done, +nothing! Continual sickness, the pains are increasing, the feet are +quite swollen. The doctor says nothing, but that it may turn out all +right, or may end badly. I know that without him! The fever is at +forty degrees. She is always conscious. + + +20 November. + +I know it now. Nobody told me, but I know for certain that she is +going to die. I have all my senses under control, I am even calm. +Aniela will die! Last night, sitting at her door, I saw it as clearly +as I now see the sunlight. A man in a certain condition of mind sees +things which other people with less concentrated minds cannot see. +Towards morning something passed within me which made me see how it +would end; it was as if a veil had been torn from my eyes and brain. +Nothing now can save Aniela. I know it better than all the doctors. +And that is the reason why I do not resist any longer. What good can +it do either to her or to me? The sentence has been pronounced. I +should be blind if I did not perceive that some power as strong as the +universe is parting us. What this power is, what it is called, I do +not know. I know only that if I knelt down, beat my head on the floor, +prayed, and cried out for mercy, I might move a mountain sooner than +move that power. As nothing now could part me from Aniela but death, +she must die. This may be very logical, but I do not consent to part +from her. + + +21 November. + +Aniela wished to see me. My aunt took everybody out of the room, +thinking she wanted to recommend her mother to my care, and this was +really the case. I saw my beloved, the soul of my life. She is always +conscious her eyes are very bright and her mental faculties excited. +The pain has almost ceased. All traces of her former state have +disappeared, and her face is like an angel's. She smiled at me, and I +smiled back. Since yesterday I know what is awaiting me, and it seems +to me as if I were dead already; therefore I am calm. Taking my hand +in hers, she began to speak about her mother, then looked at me as if +she wished to see as much as she could of me before her eyes closed +forever, and said:-- + +"Do not be afraid, Leon,--I feel much better; but in case anything +should happen to me I wanted to leave you something to remember me by. +Perhaps I ought not to say it so soon after my husband's death; but +as I might die, I wanted to tell you now that I loved you very, very +much." + +I replied to her: "I know it, dearest;" and I held her hand and we +looked into each other's eyes. For the first time in her life she +smiled at me as my betrothed wife. And I wedded her by vows stronger +and more lasting than earthly vows. We were happy at this moment +though overshadowed by a sadness as strong as death left her only when +we were told the priest had come. She had prepared me for his coming, +and asked me not to grieve at it; she had sent for him, not because +she thought she was dying, but that it might do her good and set her +mind at rest. + +When the priest had left I went back to her. After so many sleepless +nights she was tired and fell asleep she is sleeping now. When she +wakes up I will not leave her again until she falls asleep again. + + +22 November. + +She is very much better. Pani Celina is beside herself with joy. I am +the only one who knows what it is. There was no need for the doctor to +tell me that it means paralysis of the bowels. + + +23 November. + +Aniela died this morning. + + +ROME, 5 December. + +I might have been your happiness, and became your misfortune. I am the +cause of your death, for if I had been a different man, if I had not +been wanting in all principles, all foundations of life, there would +not have come upon you the shocks that killed you. I understood that +in the last moments of your life, and I promised myself I would follow +you. I vowed it at your dying bed, and my only duty is now near you. + +To your mother I leave my fortune; my aunt I leave to Christ, in whose +love she will find consolation in her declining years, and I follow +you--because I must. Do you think I am not afraid of death? I am +afraid because I do not know what there is, and see only darkness +without end; which makes me recoil. I do not know whether there +be nothingness, or existence without space and time; perhaps some +midplanetary wind carries the spiritual monad from star to star to +implant it in an ever-renewing existence. I do not know whether there +be immense restlessness, or a peace so perfect as only Omnipotence and +Love can bestow on us. But since you have died through my "I do not +know," how could I remain here--and live? + +The more I fear, the more I do not know,--the more I cannot let you go +alone; I cannot, Aniela mine,--and I follow. Together we shall sink +into nothingness, or together begin a new life; and here below where +we have suffered let us be buried in oblivion. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11686 *** diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6a1fcf1 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11686 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11686) diff --git a/old/11686-8.txt b/old/11686-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6ffb99c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11686-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15285 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Without Dogma, by Henryk Sienkiewicz, +Translated by Iza Young + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Without Dogma + +Author: Henryk Sienkiewicz + +Release Date: March 23, 2004 [eBook #11686] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WITHOUT DOGMA*** + + +E-text prepared by Charles Aldarondo, Tim Koeller, and Project Gutenberg +Distributed Proofreaders + + + +WITHOUT DOGMA. + +A NOVEL OF MODERN POLAND. + +BY + +HENRYK SIENKIEWICZ + +AUTHOR OF +"WITH FIRE AND SWORD," "THE DELUGE," "QUO VADIS," ETC. + +TRANSLATED FROM THE POLISH BY + +IZA YOUNG. + +1893 + + + + + + +"A man who leaves memoirs, whether well or badly written, provided +they be sincere, renders a service to future psychologists and +writers, giving them not only a faithful picture of the times, but +likewise human documents that can be relied upon." + + + + +PUBLISHER'S PREFACE + + +In "WITHOUT DOGMA" we have a remarkable work, by a writer known +only in this country through his historical novels; and a few words +concerning this novel and its author may not be without interest. + +Readers of Henryk Sienkiewicz in America, who have known him only +through Mr. Curtin's fine, strong translations, will be surprised to +meet with a production so unlike "Fire and Sword," and "The Deluge," +that on first reading one can scarcely believe it to be from the pen +of the great novelist. + +"Fire and Sword," "The Deluge," and "Pan Michael" (now in press) form, +so to speak, a Polish trilogy. They are, first and last, Polish in +sentiment, nationality, and patriotism. What Wagner did for Germany in +music, what Dumas did for France, and Scott for all English-speaking +people, the great Pole has achieved for his own country in literature. +Even to those most unfamiliar with her history, it grows life-like and +real as it speaks to us from the pages of these historical romances. +Only a very great genius can unearth the dusty chronicles of past +centuries, and make its men and women live and breathe, and speak to +us. These historical characters are not mere shadows, puppets, or +nullities, but very real men and women, our own flesh and blood. + +His warriors fight, love, hate; they embrace each other; they laugh; +they weep in each other's arms; give each other sage counsels, with a +truly Homeric simplicity. They are deep-versed in stratagems of love +and war, these Poles of the seventeenth century! They have their +Nestor, their Agamemnon, their great Achilles sulking in his tent. +Oddly enough, at times they grow very familiar to us, and in spite of +their Polish titles and faces, and a certain tenderness of nature that +is almost feminine, they seem to have good, stout, Saxon stuff in +them. Especially where the illustrious knights recount their heroic +deeds there is a Falstaffian strut in their performance, and there +runs riot a Falstaffian imagination truly sublime. + +Yet, be it observed, however much in all this is suggestive of the +literature of other races and ages, these characters never cease for a +moment to be Poles. Here is a vast, moving panorama spread before us; +across it pass mighty armies; hetman and banneret go by; the scene +is full of stir, life, action. It is constantly changing, so that +at times we are almost bewildered, attempting to follow the quick +succession of events. We are transported in a moment from the din +and uproar of a beleaguered town to the awful solitude of the vast +steppes,--yet it is always the Polish Commonwealth that the novelist +paints for us, and beneath every other music rises the wild Slavic +music, rude, rhythmical, and sad. + +There is, too, a background against which these pictures paint +themselves, and it reminds us not a little of Verestchagin,--the same +deep feeling for nature, and a certain sadness that seems inseparable +from the Russian and Lithuanian temperaments, tears following closely +upon mirth. At times, after incident upon incident of war, the reader +is tempted to exclaim, "Something too much of this!" Yet nowhere, +perhaps, except from the great canvases of Verestchagin, has there +ever come a more awful, powerful plea for peace than from the pages of +"Fire and Sword." + +In "Without Dogma" is presented quite another theme, treated in a +fashion strikingly different. In the historical novels the stage +is crowded with personages. In "Without Dogma," the chief interest +centres in a single character. This is not a battle between contending +armies, but the greater conflict that goes on in silence,--the battle +of a man for his own soul. + +He can scarcely be considered an heroic character; he is to some +extent the creature of circumstances, the fine product of a +highly complex culture and civilization. He regards himself as a +nineteenth-century Hamlet, and for him not merely the times, but his +race and all mankind, are out of joint. He is not especially Polish +save by birth; he is as little at home in Paris or at Rome as in +Warsaw. Set him down in any quarter of the globe and he would be +equally out of place. He folds the mantle of his pessimism about him. +Life has interested him purely as a spectacle, in which he plays no +part save a purely passive one. His relation to life is that of the +Greek chorus, passing across the stage, crying "Woe, woe!" + +Life has interested, entertained, and sometimes wearied him. He muses, +philosophizes, utters the most profound observations upon life, art, +and the mystery of things. He puts mankind and himself upon the +dissecting-table. + +Here is a nature so sensitive that it photographs every impression, +an artistic temperament, a highly endowed organism; yet it produces +nothing. The secret of this unproductiveness lies perhaps in a certain +tendency to analyze and philosophize away every strong emotion that +should lead to action. Here is a man in possession of two distinct +selves,--the one emotional, active; the other eternally occupied in +self-contemplation, judgment, and criticism. The one paralyzes the +other. He defines himself as "a genius without a portfolio," just as +there are certain ministers-of-state without portfolios. + +In such a character many of us will find just enough of ourselves to +make its weaknesses distasteful to us. We resent, just because +we recognize the truth of the picture. Leon Ploszowski belongs +unmistakably to our own times. His doubts and his dilettanteism are +our own. His fine aesthetic sense, his pessimism, his self-probings, +his weariness, his overstrung nerves, his whole philosophy of +negation,--these are qualities belonging to this century, the outcome +of our own age and culture. + +If this were all the book offers us one might well wonder why it +was written. But its real interest centres in the moment when the +cultivated pessimist "without dogma" discovers that the strongest and +most genuine emotion of his life is its love for another man's wife. +It is an old theme; certainly two thirds of our modern French novels +deal with it; we know exactly how the conventional, respectable +British novel would handle it. But here is a treatment, bold, +original, and unconventional. The character of the woman stands out in +splendid contrast to the man's. Its simplicity, strength, truth, and +faith are the antidote for his doubt and weakness. Her very weakness +becomes her strength. Her dogmatism saves him. + +The background of the book, its lesser incidents, are thoroughly +artistic, its ending masterly in its brevity and pathos; here again is +the distinguishing mark of genius, the power of condensation. The man +who has philosophized and speculated now writes the tragedy of +his life in four words: "Aniela died this morning." This is the +culmination towards which his whole life has been moving; the rest is +foregone conclusion, and matters but little. + +One sees throughout the book the strong influence that other minds, +Shakespeare notably, have produced upon this mind; here its attitude +is never merely pessimistic. It does not criticise them, it has +absorbed them. + +One last word concerning this novel. It does not seek to formulate, or +to preach directly. Its chief value and the keynote to its motive lie +in the words that Sienkiewicz at the beginning puts into the mouth of +his hero:-- + +"A man who leaves memoirs, whether well or badly written, provided +they be sincere, renders a service to future psychologists and +writers, giving them not only a faithful picture, but likewise _human +documents_ that may be relied upon." + +A _human document_--the modern novel is this, when it is anything at +all. If Mr. Crawford's canons of literary art are true, and we believe +they are, they give us a standard by which to judge; he tells us that +the heart in each man and woman means the whole body of innate and +inherited instincts, impulses, and beliefs, which, when quiescent, we +call Self, when roused to emotional activity, we call Heart. It is to +this self, or heart, he observes, that whatever is permanent in the +novel must appeal; and whatever does so must live and find a hearing +with humanity "so long as humanity is human." If this be a test, we +cannot doubt as to what will be the reception of "Without Dogma." + +A few words concerning the novelist himself. The facts obtainable +are of the most meagre kind. He was born in 1845, in Lithuania. The +country itself, its natural and strongly religious and political +influences, its melancholy, seem to have left their strong, lasting +impression upon him. He has a passionate fondness for the Lithuanian, +and paints him and his surroundings most lovingly. + +His student days were spent at Warsaw. He devoted himself afterward to +literature, writing at first under a pseudonym. He does not seem to +have won immediate recognition. He spent some years in California; +a series of articles published in this connection in a Polish paper +brought him into notice. + +In 1880, various novelettes and sketches of his production were +published in three volumes. + +In 1884 were given to the Polish public the three historical novels +which immediately gave their author the foremost place in Polish +literature. It is a matter of pride that the first translation of +these great works into English is the work of an American, and offered +to the American public. + +He is a prolific writer, and it would be impossible to attempt to give +even the names of all his minor sketches and romances. Some of them +have been translated into German, but much has been lost in the +translation. + +Sienkiewicz is still a contributor to journalistic literature. He has +travelled much, and is a citizen of the world. He is equally at home +in the Orient or the West, by the banks of the Dnieper, or beside the +Nile. Probably there is scarcely a corner of Poland that he has not +explored. He depicts no type of life that has not actually come under +his own observation. The various social strata of his own country, the +condition of its peasantry, the marked contrast between the simplicity +of that life and the culture of the ecclesiastic and aristocratic +bodies, the religious, poetic, artistic temperament of the +people,--all these he paints in a life-like fashion, but always as an +artist. + +So much of the writer. Of the man Sienkiewicz there is little to +be obtained. Like all great creative geniuses, he is so completely +identified with his work that even while his personality lives in +his creations it eludes them. He offers us no confidences concerning +himself, no opinions or prejudices. He does not divert the reader with +personalities. He sets before us certain groups of men and women, whom +certainly he knows and loves, and has lived among. He sets them in +motion; they become living, breathing creations; they assume relations +in time and space; they speak and act for themselves. If there be a +prompter he remains always behind the scenes. Admire or criticise or +love the actors as you will, you cannot for a moment doubt that they +are alive. + +This is the supreme miracle of genius,--the fine union of dramatic +instinct, the aesthetic sense, and an intense, vital realism; not the +realism of the cesspool or the morgue, but the realism of the earth +and sky, and of healthy human nature. We are inclined to believe that +Henryk Sienkiewicz has answered an often discussed question that has +much exercised the keenly critical intellect of this age. One school +of thought cries out, "Let us have life as it is. Paint anything, but +draw it as it is. Let the final test of all literary works be, 'Is it +real and true?'" + +To the romantic school quite another class of ideas appeals; to it +much of the so-called realistic literature seems very bad, or merely +"weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable." The profoundest utterances of +realism do not impress it much in themselves. It insists that art has +something to say to literature, that in this field as elsewhere +holds good the law of natural selection of types and survival of the +fittest. + +While each school has its down-sittings and up-risings, its supporters +and its critics, neither school has yet exhausted the possibilities of +literature. The novel's aim is to depict Life, and life is neither all +romance nor all realism, but a curious mixture of both. Man is neither +a beast nor a celestial being, but a compound. Though he can crawl, +and may have clinging to him certain brute instincts that may be +the relics of his anthropoidal days, he has also, thank God, divine +desires and discontents, and certain rudimentary wings. And neither +school alone is competent to paint him as he is. The author of "La +Bête Humaine" fails as completely as the visionary À Kempis. Neither +realism nor romance alone will ever with its small plummet sound to +its depths the human heart or its mystery; yet from the union of the +two much perhaps might come. + +We believe that just here lies the value of the novels of Henryk +Sienkiewicz. He has worked out the problem of the modern novel so as +to satisfy the most ardent realist, but he has worked it out upon +great and broadly human lines. For him facts are facts indeed; but +facts have souls as well as bodies. His genius is analytic, but also +imaginative and constructive; it is not forever going upon botanizing +excursions. He paints things and thoughts human. + +The greatest genius assimilates unconsciously the best with which +it comes in contact, and by a subtle chemistry of its own makes new +combinations. Shakespeare, Dante, Goethe, and the realists, as well as +all the forces of nature, have helped to make Henryk Sienkiewicz; yet +he is not any one of them. He is never merely imitative. Originality +and imaginative fire, a style vivid and strong, large humor, a +profound pathos, a strong feeling for nature, and a deep reverence +for the forms and the spirit of religion, the breath of the true +cosmopolitan united with the intense patriotism of the Pole, a great +creative genius,--these are the most striking qualities of the work of +this modern novelist, who has married Romance to Realism. + + * * * * * + + + + +WITHOUT DOGMA. + + +ROME, 9 January. + +Some months ago I met my old friend and school-fellow, Jozef +Sniatynski, who for the last few years has occupied a prominent place +among our literary men. In a discussion about literature Sniatynski +spoke about diaries. He said that a man who leaves memoirs, whether +well or badly written, provided they be sincere, renders a service +to future psychologists and writers, giving them not only a faithful +picture of the times, but likewise human documents that can be relied +upon. He seemed to think that most likely the novel of the future +would take the form of diary; finally he asserted that anybody who +keeps a diary works for the common good, and does a meritorious thing. + +I am thirty-five, and do not remember ever having done anything for my +country, for the reason, maybe, that after leaving the University, my +life, with slight intervals, was spent abroad. This fact, so lightly +touched upon, has given me, in spite of all my scepticism, many a +bitter pang; therefore I resolved to follow my friend's advice. If +this indeed means work, with some kind of merit in it, I will try to +be of some use in this way. + +I intend to be perfectly sincere. I enter upon the task, not only +because of the above-mentioned reasons, but also because the idea +pleases me. Sniatynski says that if a man gets accustomed to put down +his thoughts and impressions it becomes gradually one of the most +delightful occupations of his life. If it should prove the contrary, +then the Lord have mercy on my diary; it would snap asunder like a +string too tightly drawn. I am ready to do much for my community; but +to bore myself for its sake, oh, no! I could not do it. + +Nevertheless, I am resolved not to be discouraged by first +difficulties, and shall give it a fair trial. "Do not adopt any style; +do not write from a literary point of view," says Sniatynski. Easier +said than done. I fully understand that the greater the writer, the +less he writes in a purely literary style; but I am a _dilettante_, +and have no command over any style. I know from experience that to one +who thinks much and feels deeply, it often seems that he has only +to put down his thoughts and feelings in order to produce something +altogether out of the common; yet as soon as he sets to work he falls +into a certain mannerism of style and common phraseology; his thoughts +do not come spontaneously, and one might almost say that it is not the +mind that directs the pen, but the pen leads the mind into common, +empty artificiality. I am afraid of this for myself, for if I am +wanting in eloquence, literary simplicity, or picturesqueness, I am +not wanting in good taste, and my own style might become distasteful +to myself, and thereby render my task impossible. But this I shall see +later on. I begin my diary with a short introductory autobiography. + +My name is Leon Ploszowski, and I am, as I said before, thirty-five +years of age. I come from a wealthy family which has been able to +preserve its fortune. As to myself I shall not increase it, and at the +same time I am not likely to squander it. My position is such that +there is no necessity for me to enter into competition with struggling +humanity. As to expensive and ruinous pleasures, I am a sceptic who +knows how much they are worth, or rather, knows that they are not +worth anything. + +My mother died a week after I was born. My father, who loved her +more than his life, became affected with melancholia. Even after he +recovered from this, at Vienna, he did not wish to return to his +estates, as the memories associated with them rent his very soul; he +left Ploszow under the care of his sister, my aunt, and betook himself +in the year 1848 to Rome, which, during thirty-odd years, he never +left once, so as to be near my mother's tomb. I forgot to mention that +he brought her remains to Rome, and buried her on the Campo Santo. + +We have our own house on the Babuino, called Casa Osoria, from our +coat of arms. It looks more like a museum than anything else, as +my father possesses no mean collections, especially from the early +Christian times. In these collections his whole life is now absorbed. +As a young man, he was very brilliant in appearance as well as in +mind; his wealth and name added to this, all roads were open to him, +and consequently great things were expected from him. I know this from +his fellow-students at Berlin. He was deeply absorbed in the study of +philosophy, and it was generally believed his name would rank with +such as Cieszkowski, Libelt, and others. Society, and his being a +favorite in female circles, diverted him somewhat from scientific +studies. In society he was known by the nickname of "Leon +l'Invincible." In spite of his social success he did not neglect his +philosophical researches, and everybody expected that some day he +would electrify the world with a great work, and make his name +illustrious. They were disappointed in their expectations. + +Of the once so beautiful appearance there still remains up to this day +one of the finest and noblest heads. Artists are of the same opinion, +and not long ago one of them remarked that it would be difficult to +find a more perfect type of a patrician head. As to his +scientific career, my father is and remains a cultured and gifted +nobleman-dilettante. I almost believe dilettantism to be the fate of +all Ploszowskis, to which I will refer later on, when I come to +write about myself. As to my father, there is in his desk a yellow +manuscript about Triplicity in Nature. I perused it, and it did not +interest me. I only remember a comparison between the transcendental +belief of Christianity in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and +the natural triplicity of oxygen, hydrogen, and ozone, with many other +analogous triplicities from absolute truth, goodness, and beauty, +to the syllogism of the minor premise, the major premise, and the +conclusion,--a quaint mixture of Hegel and Hoene-Wronski, and utterly +useless. I am quite convinced that my father did not intend to have +it published, if only for the reason that speculative philosophy had +failed in him even before it was set aside by the world. The reason +for this failure was the death of my mother. My father, who in spite +of his nickname, "Leon l'Invincible," and reputation of conqueror of +hearts, was a man of deep feelings and simply worshipped my mother, +put many terrible questions to his philosophy, and not obtaining +either answer or comfort, recognized its utter emptiness in the +presence of a great sorrow. This must have been an awful tragedy of +his life, since it almost shattered its foundations,--the brain +and heart. His mind became affected, as I said before, and when he +recovered he went back to his religious convictions. I was told that +at one time he prayed night and day, knelt down in the street when he +passed a church, and was carried away by his religious fervor to such +an extent that he was looked upon by some as a madman, by others as a +saint. It was evident he found more consolation in this than in his +philosophical triplicities, for he gradually calmed down and began +to lead a more rational life. His heart, with all his power for +affection, turned towards me, and his aesthetic bent found employment +in the study of early Christianity. The lofty, restless mind wanted +nourishment. After his first year in Rome he took up archaeology, and +by dint of hard study acquired a thorough knowledge of the antique. + +Father Calvi, my first tutor and at the same time a great judge of +Roman antiquities, gave him the final impulse towards investigation of +the Eternal City. Some fifteen years ago my father became acquainted +and subsequently on terms of friendship with the great Rossi, in +whose company he spent whole days in the catacombs. Thanks to his +extraordinary gifts he soon acquired such consummate knowledge of Rome +as to astonish Rossi himself. Several times he began writing treatises +on the subject, but never finished what he had begun. Maybe the +completion of his collections took up too much of his time, but most +likely the reason he will not leave anything behind him except his +collections is that he did not confine himself to one epoch or any +specialty in his researches. Gradually mediaeval Rome began to +fascinate him as much as the first era of Christianity. There was a +time when his mind was full of Orsinis and Colonnas; after that he +approached the Renaissance, and was fairly captivated by it. From +inscriptions, tombs, and the first traces of Christian architecture he +passed to nearer times; from the Byzantine paintings to Fiesole +and Giotto, from these to artists of the fourteenth and fifteenth +centuries, and so on; he fell in love with statues and pictures; his +collections certainly increased, but the great work in Polish +about the three Romes remained forever in the land of unfulfilled +intentions. + +As to these collections my father has a singular idea. He wants to +bequeath them to Rome under the condition they should be placed in +a separate gallery named after him, "Museum Osoria Ploszowski." Of +course his wishes will be respected. I only wonder why my father +believes that in doing this he will be more useful to his community +than by sending them to his own country. + +Not long ago he said to me: "You perceive that scarcely anybody there +would see them, and very few derive any benefit, whereas here the +whole world can study them, and every individual that benefits thereby +carries the benefit to other communities." It does not befit me to +analyze how much family pride and the thought of having his name +engraved in marble in the Eternal City has to do with the whole +scheme. I almost think that such must be the case. As to myself, I +am perfectly indifferent where the collections are to remain. But my +aunt, to whom by the bye I am shortly going to pay a visit at Warsaw, +is very indignant at the idea of leaving the collections out of the +country, and as, with her, thought and speech go always together, she +expresses her indignation in every letter. Some years ago she was at +Rome, and they wrangled every day over the matter, and would have +quarrelled outright had not the affection she has towards me subdued +her temper. + +My aunt is older than my father by several years. When my father, +after his great sorrow, left the country, he gave up the Ploszow +estate to her, and took instead the ready capital. My aunt has managed +the property for thirty years, and manages it perfectly. She is of a +rather uncommon character, therefore I will devote to her a few lines. +At the age of twenty she was betrothed to a young man who died in +exile just when my aunt was about to follow him abroad. From that time +forth she refused all offers of marriage and remained an old maid. +After my mother's death she went with my father to Vienna and +Rome, where she lived with him, surrounding him with the tenderest +affections, which she subsequently transferred to me. She is, in the +full meaning of the word, _une grande dame_, somewhat of an autocrat, +haughty and outspoken, with that self-possession wealth and a high +position give, but withal the very essence of goodness and kindliness. +Under the cover of abrupt manners she has an excellent and lenient +disposition, loving not only her own family, as for instance my father +and myself and her own household, but mankind in general. She is so +virtuous that really I do not know whether there be any merit in +it, as she could not be otherwise if she tried. Her charities are +proverbial. She orders poor people about like a constable, and tends +them like a Saint Vincent de Paul. She is very religious. No doubts +whatever assail her mind. What she does, she does from unshaken +principles, and therefore never hesitates in the choice of ways and +means. Therefore she is always at peace with herself and very happy. +At Warsaw they call my aunt, on account of her abrupt manners, _le +bourreau bienfaisant_. Some people, especially among women, dislike +her, but generally speaking she lives in peace with all classes. + +Ploszow is not far from Warsaw, where my aunt owns a house in which +she spends the winter. Every winter she tries to inveigle me there in +the hope to see me married. Even now I received a mysteriously worded +missive adjuring me to come at once. I shall have to go, as I have not +seen her for some time. She writes that she is getting old and wishes +to see me before she dies. I confess I do not always feel inclined to +go. I know that my aunt's dearest wish is to see me married, therefore +every visit brings her a cruel disappointment. The very idea of such a +decisive step frightens me. To begin a new life when I am so tired +of the old one! Finally, there is another vexatious element in my +relations with my aunt. As formerly my father's friends looked upon +him as a genius, so she persists in regarding me as one exceptionally +gifted, from whom great things are to be expected. To allow her to +remain of this opinion seems an abuse of her good faith; to tell +her that nothing is to be expected from me would be a more likely +conclusion, but at the same time inflict upon the dear old lady a +cruel blow. + +To my misfortune many of those near me share my aunt's opinion, and +this brings me to the point of drawing a sketch of my own character, +which is by no means an easy task, as my nature is rather a +complicated one. + +I brought with me into the world very sensitive nerves, nerves +perfected by the culture of generations. During the first years of my +childhood I remained under the care of my aunt; after her departure, +according to the custom of our country, a nursery governess was +engaged for me. As we lived in Rome, among foreign surroundings, and +my father wished me to be well grounded in my own language, he engaged +a Polish governess. She is still with us as housekeeper at Babuino. +My father also bestowed some pains upon me, especially after my fifth +year. I used to go to his room to talk with him, and this developed my +mind prodigiously, too much so perhaps for my age. Later on, when his +studies and archaeologic researches took up his whole time, he engaged +a tutor, Father Calvi. This was an old man, with a mind and faith +exceedingly serene. He loved art beyond everything. I believe religion +even reacted upon him through its beauty. In the galleries before the +old masters, or listening to the music in the Sistine Chapel, he lost +himself altogether. There was nothing pagan in these feelings, as they +were not based upon sybaritism or sensual enjoyment. Father Calvi +loved art with the pure, serene feeling as maybe a Da Fiesole, a +Cimabue, or Giotto loved it. And he loved in all humility, as he +himself had no gifts that way. I could not say which of the fine arts +he loved best, but I believe he leaned mostly towards harmony, which +responded to the harmony of his own mind. + +Whenever I think of Father Calvi, I am reminded at the same time of +the old man that stands beside Raphael's Saint Cecilia listening +intently to the music of the spheres. + +Between my father and the priest sprang up a friendship which lasted +unto the latter's death. It was he who confirmed my father in his +archaeologic researches, especially about Rome. There was another +bond between these two,--their love for me. Both considered me as an +exceptionally gifted child, and of a God knows what promising future. +It strikes me at times that I formed for them a kind of harmony,--a +rounding of and completion to the world in which they lived; and they +loved me with the same absorbing passion with which they loved Rome +and its antiquities. Such an atmosphere, such surroundings, could not +fail to impress my mind. I was brought up in an original way. With +my tutor,--sometimes with my father,--I visited galleries, museums, +villas, ruins, catacombs, and the environs of Rome. Father Calvi was +equally sensitive to the beauties of nature and to those of art, and +taught me at an early age to understand poetic melancholy. The Roman +Campagna, the harmony of the arch-line on the sky of the arches in the +ruined aqueducts, the fine tracery of the pines,--I understood all +this before I could read or had mastered the first rudiments of +arithmetic. I was able to set English tourists right to whom the names +of Carracci and Caravaggio caused confusion. I learned Latin early and +without effort, from being familiar with the Italian language. I +gave my opinion about Italian and foreign masters,--which, however +unsophisticated, made both my father and my tutor look at each other +in astonishment. I did not like Ribera,--there was too great a +contrast of color in his pictures, and he frightened me a little; but +I liked Carlo Dolce. In short, my tutor, my father, and his friends +considered me a very prodigy; I heard myself praised, and it flattered +my vanity. But, all the same, it was not the healthiest of educations; +and my nervous system, developed too early, always remained very +sensitive. It seems strange that these influences were neither so deep +nor so lasting as might have been expected. That I did not become an +artist is owing, may be, to a lack of gifts that way,--although my +drawing and music masters opined differently; but how was it that +neither my father nor the priest was able to imbue me with that +love of art for art's sake? Have I a feeling for art? Yes. Is art a +necessity of my life? Yes, again. But they loved it; I only feel it as +a _dilettante_; it is a necessity in so far as it complements every +kind of pleasant and delightful sensation. It is one of my delights, +but not an all-absorbing passion; I should not like to live without +it, but could not devote my whole life to it. + +As the schools at Rome left much to be desired, my father sent me to +a college in Metz, where I carried off honors and prizes with very +little effort. A year before the last term, I ran away to join Don +Carlos, and with Tristan's detachment wandered for some time about +the Pyrenees; until my father, with the help of the consul in Burgos, +found me, and I was sent back to Metz to be duly punished. The penalty +was not a heavy one, as my father and the teachers were secretly proud +of my escapade. A brilliant success at the examinations quickly earned +me a full absolution. + +Among my schoolfellows, whose sympathies were naturally with Don +Carlos, I henceforth passed as a hero; and as I was at the same time +one of the foremost pupils, my position as the first at school was +beyond dispute. I was growing up with the conviction that later on, in +a larger sphere, it would be the same. This opinion was shared by +my teachers and schoolfellows; and yet the fact is that many of my +schoolfellows who at one time would not have dreamed of competing with +me, occupy to-day in France high places in literary, scientific, and +political spheres; whereas I, had I to choose a profession, should +feel considerably perplexed. My social position is excellent. I +possess independent means from my mother's side, shall inherit my +father's fortune in time to come, and administer the Ploszow estate +more or less wisely, as the case may be; but the very limitation +of the work excludes all hope of distinguishing myself in life, or +playing any prominent part in it. + +I shall never be a great administrator or agriculturist; for though I +do not mean to shirk my duties, I could not devote my whole life to +them,--for the simple reason that my aspirations aim much higher. +Sometimes I ask myself whether we Ploszowskis do not delude ourselves +as to our abilities. But if such were the case, the delusion would be +only personal; other people, strangers, could not be deceived in the +same way. Besides, I know that my father is an extraordinarily gifted +man. As to myself, I will not enter more fully on the subject, as it +might appear mere boastfulness; nevertheless I have the conviction +that I could be something infinitely greater than I am. + +For instance, at Warsaw (my father and my aunt wished me to enter the +university there) Sniatynski and I were fellow-students. We both were +drawn towards literature, and tried our hand at it. I do not say I was +looked upon as the more gifted of the two, but the truth is that my +work then was considered better and more promising than Sniatynski's. +Sniatynski has for some years past occupied a prominent position in +literature, and I am still the greatly promising Pan Ploszowski, of +whom here and there people are wont to say: "If he would only take up +something!" + +Ah! there is the rub,--"if he would!" But they do not seem to take it +into account that one has to know how to will. I thought sometimes +that if I had no means of subsistence I should have to work. Certainly +I should have to do something in order to earn my bread; but even +then I am firmly convinced I should not derive the twentieth part of +advantage from my capacities. Besides, such men as Darwin or Buckle +were rich; Sir John Lubbock is a banker; most of the known men in +France are in easy circumstances. This proves that wealth is not a +hindrance, but rather a help towards attaining a proper standing in +the chosen field of labor. I confess that, as far as I am concerned, +it has done me some service, as it preserved my character from many a +crookedness poverty might have exposed it to. I do not mean by this +that I have a weak character,--although struggle for existence might +have made it stronger; but still I maintain that the less stony the +road, the less chance of a fall. It is not owing to constitutional +laziness, either, that I am a nullity. I possess alike a great +facility for acquiring knowledge, and a desire for it; I read much, +and have a good memory. Perhaps I could not summon energy enough for a +long, slow work, but the greater facility ought to serve instead; and +besides, there is no urgent necessity for me to write encyclopedias, +like Littré. He who cannot shine with the steady light of a sun +might at least dazzle as a meteor. But oh! that nothingness of the +past,--the most probable nothingness of the future! I am growing +peevish--and tired; and will leave off writing for to-day. + + +ROME, 10 January. + +Last night, at Count Malatesta's reception, I heard by chance these +two words: "l'improductivité Slave." I experienced the same relief as +does a nervous patient when the physician tells him that his symptoms +are common enough, and that many others suffer from the same disease. +I have many fellow-sufferers, not only among other Slavs, a race which +I know but imperfectly, but in my own country. I thought about that +"improductivité Slave" all night. He had his wits about him who summed +the thing up in two words. There is something in us,--an incapacity to +give forth all that is in us. One might say, God has given us bow and +arrow, but refused us the power to string the bow and send the arrow +straight to its aim. I should like to discuss it with my father, but +am afraid to touch a sore point. Instead of this, I will discuss it +with my diary. Perhaps it will be just the thing to give it any value. +Besides, what can be more natural than to write about what interests +me? Everybody carries within him his tragedy. Mine is this same +"improductivité slave" of the Ploszowskis. Not long ago, when +romanticism flourished in hearts and poetry, everybody carried his +tragedy draped around him as a picturesque cloak; now it is carried +still, but as a jaegervest next to the skin. But with a diary it is +different; with a diary one may be sincere. + + +ROME, 11 January. + +The few days which remain to me before my departure I will use in +retrospects of the past, until I come to note down day after day the +events of my present life. As I said before, I do not intend to +write an autobiography; who and what I am, my future life will show +sufficiently. I should not like to enter into minute details of the +past,--it is a kind of adding number to number, and a summing up. I +always hated the four rules of arithmetic, and especially the first. +But I want to have a general idea of the total, so as to have a +clearer view of myself. Therefore I go on with the mere outline. + +After having finished my studies at the university I went to an +agricultural school in France. The work there was easy enough, but it +had no special attraction for me. I did it as one who knows that this +special branch of knowledge will be useful to him, but at the same +time feels that he lowers himself to it and that it does not respond +either to his ambition or his faculties. I derived a twofold gain from +my sojourn there. Agriculture became to me familiar enough to protect +me from being cheated by any agents or bailiffs, and it strengthened +my frame so that it could withstand the life I later on led in Paris. + +The years following I spent either in Koine or in Paris, not to +mention short stays at Warsaw, where my aunt summoned me now and then +in order to introduce me to some special favorite of hers with a view +to matrimony. + +Paris and its life attracted me greatly. With the truly excellent +opinion I had then of myself, with more confidence in my intelligence +and the self-possession an independent position gives, I still played +a very unsophisticated part on this scene of the world. I began by +falling desperately in love with Mademoiselle Richemberg of the +Comédie Française, and absolutely insisted upon marrying her. I will +not dwell now upon the many tragicomic imbroglios, as I am partly +ashamed of those times, and partly inclined to laugh at them. Still +later on it happened that I took counterfeits for pure gold. The +French women, and for the matter of that, my own countrywomen, of +whatever class and in spite of all their virtues when young, remind me +of my fencing lessons. As the fencer has his hour of practice with the +foils so as to keep his hand in, so women practise with sentimental +foils. As a mere youth, fairly good looking, I was sometimes invited +to a passage of arms, and as I took the matter seriously, received +many a scratch. They were not mortal wounds and healed quickly. +Besides, everybody has to pay for his apprenticeship in this +world, especially in a world like that. My time of probation was, +comparatively speaking, a short one. Then came a period one might call +"la revanche." I paid back in the same coin, and if now and then I was +still taken in, it was with my eyes open to the fact. + +Myself of a good social standing, I came to know all shades of +society, from the old legitimist circles, where I was not a little +bored, to the new aristocracy created by the Bonapartes and the +Orléanists, representing the society, perhaps not of Paris, but let +us say, of _Nice_. Dumas the Younger, Sardou, and others, take +thence their counts, marquises, and princes, who, without historical +traditions, have titles and money in plenty, and whose principal aim +is to enjoy life. I frequented their salons mostly for the sake of +their female element. They are very subtle, the women there, with +highly strung nerves always in search for new pleasures, fresh +sensations, and truly void of any idealism. They are often as corrupt +as the novels they are reading, because their morality finds no +support either in religion or tradition. But it is a brilliant world +all the same. The hours of practice with the foils are so long +there that they look more like days and nights, and the weapons are +dangerous sometimes, as they are not blunted. There too I received a +few painful lessons until I got my hand in. It would be a sign of mere +vanity and still more of bad taste to write about my successes, and +I will only say this, that I tried to keep alive the tradition of my +father's youth. + +The lowest circles of this world slightly merge into the higher sphere +of the great _demi-monde._ This _demi-monde_ is far more dangerous +than appears on the surface because it is not in the least +commonplace. Its cynicism has a certain air of refinement and art. If +I did not leave many feathers there it must be because my beak had +acquired a certain curve and my claws had grown. Generally speaking of +the life in Paris, a man who has passed through that mill feels rather +exhausted, and what then of such as I, who leave only to go back +again? It is only later on in life we begin to understand that +triumphs like these are somewhat like the victories of Pyrrhus. My +naturally strong constitution withstood this life, but my nerves are +somewhat shattered. + +Paris, though, possesses one superiority over other centres of +civilization. I do not know of any other city in the world where the +elements of art, science, and all kinds of human ideas seem to float +in the air to be assimilated by the human brain. Almost unconsciously +it imbibes not only the newest ideas in the sphere of intellect, +but also loses some of its onesidedness, broadens out, becomes more +civilized. I say again, civilized, because in Italy, Germany, and +Poland, I met with brains and powerful brains too, but who would not +recognize any light but their own, so onesided and barbarian that for +one who did not want to sacrifice his own opinions, intercourse from +an intellectual point of view was simply impossible. + +In France and still more in Paris, similar manifestations have no +existence. As a running stream smoothes and polishes the pebbles, +rubbing them against each other, so the swift current of life rubs +off the angles from the human mind. It is obvious that under such +influences my mind became that of a civilized being, that can make due +allowance for other people's opinions; I do not utter peacock cries +when I hear of anything opposed to my views or something utterly new. +It may be that such leniency and tolerance of all opinions leads +finally to indifferentism and weakens the active principle in the +human mind, but I could not be different now. + +A certain mental current got hold of me and carried me along. If the +social circles, salons, boudoirs, and clubs took up a considerable +part of my time, they did not occupy it altogether. I made many +acquaintances in the literary and artistic world, and lived their +life, or rather I live it still. Prompted by innate curiosity I read +very much, and as I have the faculty of assimilating what I read, I +may say that I derived considerable benefit from it and am able to +keep step with every intellectual movement of the time. + +My consciousness of self is highly developed. At times I feel inclined +to send that second self to the devil, that self which does not permit +yielding to any sensation, but is always there, searching, criticising +every action, feeling, delight, or passion. "Know thyself" may be a +wise maxim, but to carry about one's self an ever watchful critic +deadens the feeling, dividing as it were your soul in two parts. To +exist in a state of mind like this is about as easy as for the bird +to fly with one wing. Besides, selfconsciousness too much developed +weakens the power of action. But for this, Hamlet would have made a +hole in his uncle in the first act, and with the greatest composure +taken possession of the throne. + +As far as I am concerned, it sometimes protects me or saves me +from heedless slips, yet more often tires me, preventing absolute +concentration upon one point of action. I carry within me two +beings,--the one that protests and criticises, the other leading only +half a life, losing gradually all power of decision. I am afraid I +shall never free myself from that yoke; on the contrary, the more my +mind expands, the more minute will be the knowledge of self, and even +on my deathbed I shall not leave off criticising the dying Ploszowski +unless disease has fogged my brain. + +I must have inherited from my father a synthetic mind, because I +always try to generalize matters, and for that reason science attracts +me more than philosophy. In my father's time philosophy embraced no +more nor less than the whole universe and all being; consequently +it had a ready answer for all questions. In our times it has become +rational in so far as to confess that it has ceased to exist in the +old meaning of the word and remains only as a philosophy of special +scientific branches. Truly, when I come to think of it it seems that +the human mind too has its tragedies, and it began by confessing its +own powerlessness. As I write a personal diary I will treat these +matters from a personal point of view. I am not a professed +philosopher, because I am nothing by profession; but as a thinking +being I am interested in the new philosophic movement; I have been +and am under its influence, and have a full right to speak about what +entered the composition, and contributed to the creation, of my moral +and intellectual being. + +To begin with, I note down that my religious belief I carried still +intact with me from Metz did not withstand the study of natural +philosophy. It does not follow that I am an atheist. Oh, no! This was +good enough in former times, when he who did not believe in spirit, +said to himself, "Matter," and that settled for him the question. +Nowadays only provincial philosophers cling to that worn-out creed. +Philosophy of our times does not pronounce upon the matter; to all +such questions it says, "I do not know!" and that "I do not know" +sinks into and permeates the mind. Nowadays psychology occupies itself +with close analysis and researches of spiritual manifestations; but +when questioned upon the immortality of the soul it says the same,--"I +do not know;" and truly it does not know, and it cannot know. And now +it will be easier to describe the state of my mind. It all lies in +these words: I do not know. In this--in the acknowledged impotence +of the human mind--lies the tragedy. Not to mention the fact that +humanity always has asked, and always will ask, for an answer, they +are truly questions of more importance than anything else in the +world. If there be something on the other side, and that something an +eternal life, then misfortunes and losses on this side are as nothing. +In this case we might exclaim with Hamlet: "Nay, then, let the devil +wear black, for I'll have a suit of sables." + +"I am content to die," says Renan; "but I should like to know whether +death will be of any use to me." + +And philosophy replies, "I do not know." + +And man beats against that blank wall, and like the bedridden sufferer +fancies, if he could lie on this or on that side, he would feel +easier. What is to be done? Are we to abuse philosophy that, instead +of building up new systems which, like a house of cards, fall at a +touch, it has confessed its impotence, and begun to search for and +classify manifestations within reach of the human intellect? Methinks +that I and everybody else has a right to say: "Philosophy, I am struck +by your common sense, admire your close analysis; but with all that, +you have made me supremely wretched. By your own confession you have +no answer for a question, to me of the greatest importance, and yet +you had power enough to destroy that faith which not only cleared up +all doubts, but soothed and comforted the soul. And do not say that, +since you do not lay down the law, you permit me to adhere to my old +beliefs. It is not true! Your method, your soul, your very essence is +doubt and criticism. This, your scientific method, this scepticism, +this criticism you have implanted in the soul till they have become a +second nature. As with lunar caustic, you have deadened the spiritual +nerves by the help of which one believes simply and without question, +so that even if I would believe I have lost the power. You permit me +to go to church if I like; but you have poisoned me with scepticism +to such a degree that I have grown sceptical even with regard to +you,--sceptical in regard to my own scepticism; and I do not know, I +do not know. I torture myself, and am maddened by the darkness." + + +ROME, 12 January. + +Yesterday I allowed myself to be carried away by my writing. But all +the same it seems to me that I laid a finger upon the rottenness of my +soul and that of humanity. There are times when I am indifferent to +these questions; then again they seem to tear at me without mercy; all +the more as those are matters kept within the privacy of the soul. +It would be better to put them aside; but they are too important for +that. We want to know what we are to expect, and arrange our life +accordingly. I have tried to say to myself: "Stop, you will never +leave that enchanted circle; why enter it at all?" I have every +qualification to render myself a well-satisfied, cheerful animal; +but I cannot always be satisfied with that. It is said the Slav +temperament has a tendency towards mysticism. I have noticed that +our greatest writers and poets end by becoming mystics. It is not +surprising that lesser minds should be now and then troubled. As to +myself I feel obliged to take notice of those inward struggles in +order to get a faithful image of myself. Perhaps I feel also the want +of justifying myself before my own conscience. For instance, with the +great "I do not know" before me, I still observe the regulations of +the Church; yet do not consider myself a hypocrite. This would be the +case if, instead of the "I do not know," I could say "I know there is +nothing." But our scepticism is not an open negation; it is rather a +sorrowful, anxious suspicion that perhaps there is nothing,--a dense +fog around our minds that stifles the breath and hides from us the +light. I therefore stretch out my hands towards that sun that maybe +shines beyond the mist. I fancy that not I alone am in that position, +and that of all those who go to church and mass on Sundays the prayers +might be condensed in these words: "O God! lift the mist!" + +I cannot write coldly or dispassionately about all this. I keep +religious observances for the simple reason that I long to believe, +and since the sweet teaching of my childhood tells me that faith is a +gift of grace, I am waiting for that grace. I am waiting that it may +be given unto me; that my soul may believe unquestioningly, even as it +believed in childhood. Those are my motives; no self-interest prompts +me; it would be much easier to be a cheerful, contented animal. Since +I am justifying my outward semblance of piety, I have some other less +noble and more practical reasons. From the days of my childhood I have +been accustomed to keep certain rules, and they have grown into a +habit. Henry the Fourth said Paris was well worth a mass; so say I +that the peace of those nearest is worth a mass; people of my class, +as a rule, observe religious prescriptions, and I should protest +against the outward symbols only in such a case if I could find +something more conclusive to say than "I do not know." I go to church +because I am a sceptic in regard to my own scepticism. It is not a +comfortable feeling, and my soul drags one wing along the earth. +But it would be much worse with me if I always pondered over these +questions so earnestly as I have done while writing these last pages. +Fortunately for me this is not the case. I have mentioned already that +at times I am indifferent to them. Life carries me along, and although +in the main I know what to think of its hollow pleasures, I give +myself up to it altogether, and then the moral "to be, or not to be" +has no meaning for me. A strange thing, about the power of which not +much has been said, is the influence of social suggestion on the mind. +In Paris, for instance, I feel happier not only because the continual +mill deafens me,--I am swallowed up by the surging masses, and my +mind is diverted by tricks of the fencing ring,--but also because the +people there, without being conscious of it, live as if it were worth +their while to put all their energies into this life, and as if beyond +there was nothing but a chemical process. My pulse begins to beat in +unison with theirs; I feel myself in harmony with my surroundings; +amuse myself or bore myself, conquer or am conquered, but enjoy a +comparative rest. + + +ROME, BABUINO, 13 January. + +I have only four days left before my departure, and will now sum up +what I said about myself. I am an individual rather worn out, very +sensitive, and of a highly nervous temperament. I have a strongly +developed consciousness of self, seconded by comparative culture, and +taken altogether, may consider myself an intellectually developed +being. + +My scepticism debars me from all firm convictions. I look, observe, +criticise, sometimes fancy I get hold of some essential truth, but +am ready always to doubt even that. I have already said all that was +necessary in reference to religion. As to my social creed I am a +conservative so far as a man in my position is bound to be, and so +far as conservatism suits me. No need to mention that I am far from +considering conservatism as a dogma, which no one is allowed to touch +or to criticise. I am too much civilized to take a party view of +either aristocracy or democracy. I leave that as a pastime to those +who live in the country, or in remote places where ideas, like +fashions, are some ten years late. From the time when privileges were +done away with, the question has been closed; but in remoter parts, +where the world remains more or less stagnant, it has become not +so much a question of principle as rather a question of vanity and +nerves. In regard to myself, I like well-bred people,--people with +brains and nerves, and look for them where they are most readily +found. I like them as I like works of art, fine scenery, and beautiful +women. From an aesthetic point of view, I possess refined nerves,--too +refined, perhaps, owing to my early training and a naturally +impressionable temperament. This aesthetic sensitiveness gives me +as many delights as torments, and renders me one great service: it +preserves me from cynicism or otherwise extreme corruption, and serves +me instead of moral principle. I recoil from many things, not because +they are wicked, but because they are ugly. From my aesthetic nerves I +derive also a certain delicacy of feeling. Taken all in all, it seems +to me that I am a man a little marred by life, decent enough though to +say the truth, rather floating in mid-air because not supported by any +dogma, either social or religious. I am also without an aim to which I +could devote my life. + +One word more about my abilities before concluding the synthesis. My +father, my aunt, my colleagues, and sometimes strangers, consider them +simply prodigious. I allow that my intellect has a certain glitter. +But will the _improductivité Slave_ scatter all the hopes invested in +me? Considering all I have, or rather have not done up to this day, +either for others or myself, I feel inclined to think that such +will be the case. This confession costs me more than appears on the +surface. My irony when I think of myself tastes bitter on the palate. +There was something barren in the clay from which God formed the +Ploszowskis, since on that soil everything springs up and grows so +luxuriously, yet produces no fruit. Truly, if with this barrenness, +this powerlessness to act, I possessed the abilities of a genius, it +would be a strange kind of genius,--a genius without portfolio, as +there are ministers of state without portfolio. + +This definition, "a genius without portfolio" seems to fit me to +perfection. I shall take out a patent of invention for the word. But +the definition does not apply to me alone. Its name is legion. Side +by side with the _improductivité Slave_ goes the genius without +portfolio; it is a pure product of the Slav soil. Once more I say its +name is legion. I do not know another part of the world where so much +ability is wasted, in which even those who bring forth something give +so little, so incredibly little, in comparison with what God gave +them. + + +ROME, BABUINO, 14 January. + +Another letter from my aunt urging me to come. I am coming, I am +coming, dear aunt, though God knows I am doing it out of love for you; +otherwise I should greatly prefer to remain where I am. My father +seems not well; from time to time he feels a strange numbness on +the whole of his left side. At my urgent entreaties he has seen a +physician, but I am quite sure the physic he received is safely stowed +away in a cupboard, according to an old custom he has. Once he opened +the mysterious receptacle and showed me a whole collection of bottles, +pill-boxes, and powders, saying: "For mercy's sake! this would kill +a strong man, let alone a sick one." Up to now, this quaint way of +looking upon medicine has not done him any harm, but I am troubled +about the future. Another reason for my unwillingness to go is my +aunt's plan of campaign. Of course she is anxious to see me married. I +do not know whether she has anything definite in view. God grant I +may be wrong; but she does not deny the intention. "About an eligible +_parti_ like you," she writes, "there will be at once a war of the +roses, you may be sure of that." I am tired and do not wish for any +war, and least of all to end it like Henry VII. by a marriage. On the +other hand,--I dare not tell my aunt, but may confess it to myself,--I +do not like Polish women. I am thirty-five, and like other men that +live much in society, I had my sentimental passages, among others, +with Polish women, and from these encounters I carried away the +impression that they are the most impossible and most wearying women +in the world. I do not know whether, generally speaking, they are more +virtuous than their French or Italian sisters; I only know that they +are more pathetic. The very remembrance of it gives me a creepy +sensation. I can understand an elegy over a broken pitcher when you +behold the shards for the first time; but to go on with the same +pathos over a much mended pitcher, looks more like a comic opera. A +pleasant role that of the listener, whom courtesy bids to take it +seriously. + +Strange, fantastic women with fiery imagination and cold temperaments! +In their sentiments there is neither cheerfulness nor even simplicity. +They are in love with the outward forms of love, caring less for +its intrinsic value. With French or Italian women after the first +skirmishes, you may be sure of your "ergo." With a Pole it is +different. Somebody said that if a man is mistaken and says two and +two makes five, you may be able to set him right; a woman says two and +two is a lamp, and you come against a blank wall. In a Polish woman's +logic two and two may be not four, but a lamp, love, hatred, a cat, +tears, duty, scorn; in brief, you cannot foresee anything, calculate +upon anything, or guard against anything. It may be, after all, +because of these very pitfalls that their virtue is better guarded +than that of other women, if only for the reason that the beleaguering +forces get mortally tired. But what struck me, and what I resented +most, is that those pitfalls, barricades, and the whole array of +defence are not so much erected for the repulse of the enemy as to +give them the sensation of warfare. I spoke of this in a roundabout +way with a clever woman only half a Pole, for her father was an +Italian. + +She listened to me for a while, then said at last:-- + +"It seems to me you are very much like the fox looking at the +dovecote. He does not like, and it makes him wroth, to see the doves +dwelling so high, and unlike the hens, always on the wing. All you +have said tells in favor of Polish women." + +"How do you make that out?" + +"The more a Polish woman seems intolerable as somebody else's wife, +the more desirable she is to have for one's own." + +She had driven me into a corner, and I could not find an answer. +Perhaps she is right, and I look upon it from a fox's point of view. +There is also not the slightest doubt that if I were to marry, +especially a Pole, I not only should search for her among the high +flying doves, but I should choose a perfectly white one. + +But I am like the chickens when asked in what sauce they would like to +be served; I do not want to be dished up at all. Now, to return to my +grievance against you, dear ladies, you are before everything in love +with love, and not with the lover. Every one of you is a queen in her +own rights, and in this you differ from other women; every one seems +to confer a boon and a favor in permitting herself to be loved; none +agrees to be only an addition or completion of a man's life, who, +besides matrimony, has some other aims in life. You want us to live +for you, instead of living for us. Last, but not least, you love your +children more than your husband. His final fate is that of a satellite +turning forever round in the same orbit. I have seen this and noticed +it very often in a general way; but now and then there happens to +be found a pure diamond too among the chaff. No, my queens and +princesses, permit me to worship you from a safe distance. + +Fancy putting aside all other aims, all ideals, in order to burn +incense every day at the shrine of a woman, and that woman one's own +wife. No, dear ladies, that is not sufficient to fill a man's life. + +Nevertheless, that second self sometimes mutters, "And what else is +there for you to do? If, anybody it is you who are fittest for the +sacrifice, for what are your aims or your intentions? No! the deuce +and all! To change the whole tenor of one's life, renounce old habits, +comforts, pleasures, it must be a great love, indeed, that could +induce me to such a venture. Marriage means a most amazing act of +faith in a woman, I could never summon courage enough to commit. No, +most decidedly, I do not wish to be served up in any sauce whatever." + + +WARSAW, 21 January. + +I arrived here to-day. I broke my journey at Vienna which made it less +tiring, but my nerves do not let me sleep, so I take up my journal +which has grown as a friend to me. What joy there was in the house +at my arrival, and what a dear, kind soul that aunt of mine is! I do +believe she is awake now for very joy. She could scarcely eat any +dinner. When in the country at Ploszow, she is continually wrangling +with her land-agent, Pan Chwastowski, a burly old nobleman who does +not give in to her one whit. Sometimes their disputes reach to such +a pitch that a catastrophe seems imminent; then suddenly my aunt +relaxes, falls to with an appetite and eats her dinner with a certain +determination. To-day she had only the servants to scold, and that was +not sufficient to give her an appetite. She was in capital spirits +though, and the loving glances she bestowed on me beggar description. +In intimate circles I am called my aunt's fetich, which makes her very +angry. + +Of course my fears and presentiments have not deceived me. There are +not only plans, but also a definite object. After dinner my aunt is +in the habit of walking up and down the room, and often thinks aloud. +Therefore, in spite of the mystery she deems fit to surround herself +with, I heard the following monologue:-- + +"He is young, handsome, rich, intelligent; she would be a fool if she +did not fall in love with him at once." + +To-morrow I am to go to a picnic the gentlemen are giving for the +ladies. They say it is going to be a grand entertainment. + + +WARSAW, 25 January. + +I am often bored at balls. As a _homo sapiens_ and an _éligible +parti_, I abhor them; as an artist, that is, artist without portfolio, +I now and then like them. What a splendid sight, for instance, that +broad staircase well lit up, where, amid a profusion of flowers the +women ascend to the ball-room. They all appear tall, and when not seen +from below (because the training robes destroy the illusion) they +remind one of the angels on Jacob's ladder. I like the motion, the +light, the flowers, and the gauzy material which enwraps the young +girls as in a soft mist; and then those shoulders, necks, and arms +which released from the warm cloaks seem at once to grow firm and +crisp as marble. My sense of smell, too, is gratified, for I delight +in good perfumes. + +The picnic was a great success. To give Staszewski his due, he knows +how to arrange these things. I arrived together with my aunt, but lost +sight of her in the entrance hall, for Staszewski himself came down to +lead her upstairs. The dear old lady had on her ermine cloak she uses +on great occasions, and which her friends call her robe of state. When +I entered the ballroom I remained near the door and looked around. +What a strange sensation when, after a long interval, one comes back +to once familiar scenes. I feel I am a part of them, and yet I look at +them and criticise them as if I were a stranger. Especially the women +attracted my attention,--I must admit, fastidious as I am, that our +society is very choice. I saw pretty faces and plain faces, but all +stamped with the same well-bred refinement. The necks and shoulders, +in spite of the softly rounded contours, simply reminded me of Sevres +china. There is a restful elegance, something daintily finished, in +all of them. Truly, they do not imitate Europe,--they are Europe. + +I remained there about a quarter of an hour indolently musing which of +all these dainty damsels my aunt had chosen for me, when Sniatynski +and his wife came up. I had seen him only a few months ago at Rome, +and had known her, too, for some time. I like her very much; she has a +sweet face and belongs to those exceptional Poles that do not absorb +their husband's whole life, but surrender their own. Presently a young +girl slipped in between us, and while greeting Pani Sniatynska, put +out a small hand encased in a white kid glove and said:-- + +"Don't you know me, Leon?" + +I felt slightly perplexed at this question, for indeed I did not know +who it was that greeted me thus familiarly; but not wishing to seem +rude, I smiled and pressed the little hand, saying, "Of course I do." +I must have looked a little foolish because, presently Pani Sniatynska +burst out laughing and said, "But he does not recognize you; it is +Aniela P." + +Aniela, my cousin! No wonder I did not recognize her. The last time +I saw her, some ten or eleven years ago at Ploszow, she wore a short +frock and pink stockings. I remember the midges had stung her about +the legs, and she stamped on the ground like a little pony. How could +I dream that these white shoulders, this breast covered with violets, +this pretty face with the dark eyes, in short, this girl in the full +bloom of maidenhood, was the same as the little wagtail on thin feet +I had known formerly. How pretty she had grown; a fine butterfly +had come from that chrysalis. I renewed my greeting very heartily. +Afterwards when the Sniatynskis had left us she told me that my aunt +and her mother had sent her to fetch me. I offered my arm and we went +across the room. + +All at once it burst in upon me. It was she, Aniela, my aunt had in +her mind. That then was the secret, the surprise meant for me. My aunt +always used to be fond of her, and troubled herself not a little over +Pani P.'s financial difficulties. I only wondered why these ladies +were not stopping with my aunt; but I did not ponder over it long; I +preferred to look at Aniela, who naturally interested me more than the +average girl. As we had to make our way to the other end of the +room and the crush was great, I had ample time for conversation and +scrutiny. Fashion this year has it that gloves should be worn halfway +up the elbow, so I noticed that the arm which rested on mine had a +slightly dusky shade, covered as it was with a light down. And yet she +could not be called a brunette. Her hair is a light brown with a gleam +of bronze. Her eyes are light too, but appear dark, shaded as they are +by long eyelashes; the eyebrows, on the contrary, are dark and very +pretty. The characteristic of this little head with the low brow is +that exuberance of hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, and that down, which +on the face is very slight. This at some future time may spoil her +beauty, but at present she is so young that it points only to an +exuberance of organism, and shows that she is not a doll, but a woman +full of warm, active life. + +I do not deny that, fastidious as are my nerves and not easily +thrilled, I fell under a spell. She is my type exactly. My aunt, who, +if she ever heard about Darwin would call him a wicked writer, has +unconsciously adopted his theory of natural selection. Yes, she is my +type. They have baited the hook this time with a dainty morsel. + +An electric current seemed to pass from her arm into mine. Besides I +noticed that she too seemed pleased with me, and that naturally raises +one's spirits. My scrutiny from an artistic point of view proved +highly satisfactory. There are faces that seem to be a translation +from music or poetry into human shape. Such a face is Aniela's. There +is nothing commonplace about it. As children are inoculated for +small-pox so the upper classes inoculate modesty in their girls; there +is something so very innocent in this face, but through that very +innocence peeps out a warm temperament. What a combination!--as if +some one said, "An innocent Satan!" + +Unsophisticated as Aniela is, she is yet a little bit of a coquette, +and quite conscious of her attractions. Knowing for instance that she +has beautiful eyelashes, she very often drops her eyes. She has also +a graceful way of lifting her head and looking at the person she +is speaking to. In the beginning she was slightly artificial, from +shyness I fancy, but soon afterwards we chatted together as if we had +never been separated since those times at Ploszow. My aunt is highly +amusing with her absentmindedness, but I should not care to have her +for a fellow-conspirator. Scarcely had we approached the two elderly +ladies and I exchanged greetings with Aniela's mother, when my aunt, +noticing my animation, turned to her companion and said aloud, "How +pretty she looks in those violets! It was, after all, a happy thought +that he should see her the first time at a ball." + +Aniela's mother grew very confused, and so did Aniela, and the truth +began to dawn upon me why it was the ladies were not staying with my +aunt. This had been Pani P.'s idea; she and my aunt had been plotting +together. I suppose Aniela had not been taken into confidence, but +thanks to female perspicacity could not help guessing how matters +stood. + +To put an end to the embarrassing situation I turned to her and said, +"I warn you that I am not very proficient at dancing, but as they will +carry you off any moment, will you grant me a waltz?" + +Aniela for all answer handed me her tablets and said resolutely, "Put +down as many as you like." + +I confess that I do not like the rôle of a puppet pulled by a string, +therefore I resolved to take an active part in the old ladies' +politics. I took the tablets and wrote, "Did you understand that they +want us to marry?" + +Aniela read it and changed color. She remained silent for a moment, +as if not trusting her voice, or hesitating what to say; at last she +lifted her eyelashes and looking straight into my eyes she replied, +"Yes." + +It was now her turn to question me, not in words but with her eyes. I +already knew I had made a favorable impression on her, and if she had +an inkling of the truth her mind must needs dwell a good deal on me. +I interpreted the look of her eyes thus: "I am aware my mother and my +aunt want us to become acquainted, to know each other well. And you?" + +Instead of an answer I put my arm around her waist, and lightly +drawing her towards me, led her into the mazes of a waltz. I +remembered my fencing practice. + +A mute answer could not but stir up fancies in a girl's mind, +especially after what I had written on the tablets. I thought to +myself: "What harm is there if her fancy turns into my direction? As +far as I am concerned I shall not go a step further than I intend, +and if her fancy travels further I cannot help it." Aniela dances +exquisitely, and she danced this waltz as a woman should, with a +certain vehemence and self-abandon at the same time. I noticed that +the violets on her breast rose and fell far quicker than the quiet +step of the dance warranted. I understood that she felt agitated. Love +is a law of nature, kept under control by a careful bringing-up. But +once the girl is told that she may love this one or that, the chance +is she will obey very readily. Aniela evidently expected that after +I had been bold enough to write those few words I would allude to it +further, but I kept aloof on purpose to leave her in suspense. + +I wished also to look at her from a distance. Decidedly she is my +type. Women of that kind have a special attraction for me. Oh, if only +she were thirty, and not a girl they expect me to marry! + + +WARSAW, 30 January. + +They have come to stay with us. Yesterday I spent all the day with +Aniela. She has more pages to her soul than most girls at her age. On +many of these pages the future will write, but there is room for many +beautiful things. She feels and understands everything, and is an +excellent listener, and follows the conversation with her large, +intelligent eyes. A woman that can listen possesses one more +attraction, because she flatters man's vanity. I do not know whether +Aniela is conscious of this, or whether it be her womanly instinct. +Maybe she has heard so much about me from my aunt that she deems every +word I say an oracle. She is decidedly not without coquetry. To-day +I asked her what she wished for most in life. She answered, "To see +Rome;" then her eyelashes fell, and she looked indescribably pretty. +She sees that I like her, and it makes her happy. Her coquetry is +charming, because it comes straight from a delighted heart, and tries +to please the chosen object. I have not the slightest doubt that her +heart is fluttering towards me, as a moth flutters into the candle. +Poor child! she feels the elders have given their mute consent, and +she obeys only too willingly. I can watch the process from hour to +hour. + +Perhaps I ought to inquire of myself, "If you do not want to marry +her, why are you trying to make her love you?" But I do not choose to +answer that question. I feel at peace here, and restful! After +all, what is it I am doing? I try not to appear more foolish or +disagreeable or less courteous than I am by nature, that is all. + +Aniela appeared to-day at breakfast in a loose sailor-dress, +which only just betrayed the outline of her shape, and she looked +bewitching. Her eyes were still full of dreaminess and sleep. It is +something wonderful what an impression she is making on me. + + +31 January. + +My aunt is giving an entertainment in honor of Aniela. I am +paying visits and leaving cards right and left. I called upon the +Sniatynskis, and sat with them for a long time, because I feel there +at home. Sniatynski and his wife are always wrangling with each other, +but their life is different from that of most other married people. +As a rule, it happens when there is one cloak, each tries to get +possession of it; these two dispute because he wishes her to have +it, and she wants it all for him. I like them immensely,--it is so +refreshing to see there is still happiness out of novels. With all +that, he is so clever; as sensitive as a Stradivarius violin, and +quite conscious of his happiness. He wanted it, and has got it. I envy +him. I always used to like his conversation. They offered me some +black coffee; it is only at literary people's houses one can get such +coffee. He asked me what I thought of Warsaw after so long an absence. +There was also some talk about the ball, especially from the lady's +part. She seems to guess something about my aunt's plans, and wants to +have one of her rosy fingers in the pie,--especially as she comes from +the same part of the country as Aniela. + +We touched personal matter very slightly, but had a lively discussion +about society in general. I told him what I thought about its +refinement; and as Sniatynski, though he criticises it himself +mercilessly, is always greedy to hear its praises sung, it put him +into capital spirits. + +"I like to hear you say so," he remarked, "as you have so many chances +to make comparisons, and are rather inclined to look at the world from +a pessimist's point of view." + +"I do not know whether what I just said does not lean that way." + +"How do you prove that?" asked Sniatynski, quickly. + +"You see, refined culture might be compared to cases with glass and +china, upon which is written, 'Fragile.' For you, a spiritual son of +Athens, for me and a few others, it is pleasant to be in touch with +it; but if you want to build anything on such foundation, you will +find the beams coming down on your head. Don't you think those refined +_dilettanti_ of life are bound to get the worst in a struggle with a +people of strong nerves, a tough skin, and iron muscles?" + +Sniatynski, who is very lively, jumped up and walked about the room, +then rushed at me impetuously. "You have seen only one side of the +picture, and not the best one, either; do not think there is nothing +more to be seen. You come from abroad, and pronounce judgment upon us +as if you had lived here all your life." + +"I do not know what else there may be, but I know that nowhere in the +world is there such a vast difference between the classes. On one +side, the most refined culture,--over-refined, if anything; on the +other, absolute barbarism and ignorance." + +A long discussion followed, and it was dusk before I left them. He +said if I came oftener to see them, he would show me the connecting +link between the two classes, introduce me to men who were neither +over-refined, ignorant, nor sickening with dilettantism, but strong +men, who knew what they wanted, and were going straight for it. + +When I was going away, Sniatynski called out after me: + +"From such as you nothing good will come, but your children may +be men; but you and such like must lose every penny you possess, +otherwise even your grandchildren will do nothing useful." + +I still think that on the whole I was right. I have taken special +notice of this conversation, as this discrepancy has occupied my +thoughts ever since my arrival. The fact is that between the classes +there is a vast gulf that precludes all mutual understanding, and +makes simultaneous efforts simply impossible. At least, I look upon +it in that light. Sèvres china and common clay,--nothing between; one +_très fragile_, the other, Ovidius's "rudis indigestaque moles." Of +course Sèvres china sooner or later breaks, and from the clay the +future may mould anything it likes. + + +2 February. + +Yesterday my aunt's entertainment took place. Aniela was the cynosure +of every eye. Her white shoulders peeping out from a cloud of muslin, +gauze, or whatever it is called, she looked like a Venus rising from +the foam. I fancy it is already gossiped about that I am going to +marry her. I noticed that her eyes often strayed in my direction, and +she listened to her partners with an absent, distracted expression. + +Guileless child! she cannot hide the truth, and shows so plainly what +is going on in her heart that I could not help seeing it, unless I +were blind. And she is so humble and quietly happy when I am with her! +I like her immensely, and begin to waver. Sniatynski is so happy in +his home life! It is not the first time I have asked myself whether +Sniatynski be more foolish or wiser than I. Of the many problems of +life, I have not solved one. I am nothing; scepticism is sapping +my whole system; I am not happy, and am very tired. He, with less +knowledge than I, does useful work, has a good and handsome wife, the +rogue! and his very philosophical principles, adapted to life, help to +make him happy. No, it must be acknowledged, it is I who am the more +foolish of the two. + +The keynote of Sniatynski's philosophy is found in his dogmas of life. +Before he was married he said to me: "There are two things I never +approach with scepticism, and do not criticise: to me as a literary +man, the community is a dogma; as a private individual, the beloved +woman." I thought to myself then: "My mind is bolder,--it analyzes +even that." But I see now that this boldness has not led me to +anything. And how lovely she is,--that little dogma of mine with the +long eyelashes! Decidedly, I am going the way I did not mean to go. +The singular attraction which draws me towards her cannot be explained +by the law of natural selection. Ho! there is something more, and I +know what it is. She loves me with all the freshness of her honest +heart, as I was never loved before. How different from the fencing +practice of former years, when thrusts were dealt or guarded against! +The woman who is much liked, and who in her turn loves, is sure to win +in the end if she perseveres. + +"The stray bird," says the poet Slowacki, "comes back to his haven +of rest and peace all the more eagerly after the lonesomeness of his +stormy flight. Nothing takes so firm a hold upon a man's heart as the +consciousness that he is loved." + +A few pages before, I wrote God knows what about Polish women; but if +any one fancies that for the sake of a few written sentences I feel +myself bound to pursue a certain course, he is vastly mistaken. + +How that girl satisfies my artistic taste is simply wonderful. After +the ball, came the pleasantest moment when, everybody gone, we sat +down and had some tea. Wanting to see how the world looked outside, I +drew back the heavy curtains. It was eight o'clock in the morning and +a flood of daylight poured into the room. It was so perfectly blue, +seen by the glare of the lamps, that it reminded me of the Capri +grotto. And there stood Aniela, with that blue haze around her white +shoulders. She looked so lovely that all my resolutions tottered and +fell to pieces; I felt positively grateful to her for this glimpse of +beauty, as if it were her doing. I pressed her hand more tenderly than +I had ever done before when saying good-night to her. + +"Good-morning, you mean, not good-night,--good-morning." + +Either I am blind and deaf or her eyes and voice expressed: "I love +you, I love you." + +I do the same--almost. + +My aunt looking at us gave a low grunt of contentment. I saw tears +shining in her eyes. + +To-morrow we leave here for Ploszow. + + +PLOSZOW, 5 February. + +This is my second day in the country. We had a splendid drive. The +weather was clear and frosty. The snow creaked under the runners of +the sledge and glittered and sparkled in the fields. Towards sunset +the vast plain assumed pink and purple shades. The rooks, cawing and +flapping their wings, flew in and out the lime trees. Winter, the +strong, homely winter, is a beautiful thing. There is a certain vigor +in it, and dignity, and what is more, so much sincerity. Like a true +friend, who, regardless as to consequences, hurls cutting truths, +it smites you between the eyes without asking leave. By way of +compensation it bestows upon you some of its own vigor. We were all +of us glad to leave the town--the elder ladies, that their pet scheme +might be brought to a climax by closer companionship; I, because I was +near Aniela; she, maybe for the same reason, felt happy too. She bent +down several times to kiss my aunt's hands, apropos of nothing, out +of sheer content. She looked very pretty in a long, fluffy boa and +a coquettish fur cap, from under which the dark eyes and the almost +childish face peeped forth. + +How young she looks. + +I feel at home in Ploszow, it is so quiet and restful; and I like the +huge, old-fashioned chimneys. The woods are to my aunt as the apple of +her eye, but she does not grudge herself fuel; and big logs, which are +crackling and burning there from morning until night, make it look +bright and cheerful. We sat around the fire the whole afternoon. I +brought out some of my reminiscences, and told them about Rome and its +treasures. The three women listened with such devoutness that it made +me feel ridiculous in my own eyes. From time to time, while I was +talking, my aunt cast a searching glance at Aniela to see whether she +expressed enough admiration. But there is too much of that already. +Yesterday she said to me:-- + +"Another man might spend there his whole life and not see half the +beautiful things you do." + +My aunt added with dogmatic firmness,-- + +"I have always said so." + +It is as well that there is not another sceptic here, for his presence +would embarrass me not a little. + +A certain dissonant chord in our little circle is Aniela's mother. The +poor soul has had so many sorrows and anxieties that her cheerfulness, +if ever she had any, is a thing of the past. She is simply afraid of +the future, and instinctively suspects pitfalls even in good fortune. +She was very unhappy in her married life, and afterwards has had +continual worries about her estate, which is very much involved. In +addition to all this she suffers from nervous headaches. + +Aniela belongs to that category of women who never trouble themselves +about money matters. I like her for that, for it proves that she +thinks of higher things. For the matter of that, everything in her +pleases and delights me now. + +Tenderness grows on the soil of attraction by the senses, as quick +as flowers after a warm rain. To-day, in the morning, I saw the maid +carrying up her gown and boots; this moved me very much, especially +the little, little boots, as if the wearing of them was the crown of +all virtues in Aniela. + +PLOSZOW, 8 or 9 February. + +My aunt has taken up her visual warfare with Pan Chwastowski. This +is such an original habit of hers that I must describe one of their +disputes. The dear lady can evidently not exist without it, or at +least not enjoy her dinner; Chwastowski, again, who, by the bye, is an +excellent manager, is a compound of brimstone and saltpetre, and does +not allow anybody to thwart him; therefore the quarrels sometimes +reach the acute state. When entering the dining-room they eye each +other with suspicious glances. The first shot is fired by my aunt +while eating her soup. + +"It is a very long time, Pan Chwastowski, since I heard anything +about the winter crops, and Pan Chwastowski, instead of giving me the +information, speaks about anything but what I want to know." + +"They were very promising in autumn, my lady; now they are covered by +a yard or two of snow,--how am I to know the state they are in? I am +not the Lord Almighty." + +"I beg of you, Pan Chwastowski, not to take the Lord's name in vain." + +"I do not look under His snow, therefore do not offend Him." + +"Do you mean to insinuate that I do?" + +"Most certainly." + +"Pan Chwastowski, you are unbearable." + +"Oho! bearable enough because he bears a great deal." + +In this or that way the screw goes round. There is scarcely a meal but +they have some differences. Then my aunt at last subsides, and seems +to wreak the remnants of her anger on the dinner. She enjoys a hearty +appetite. As the dinner goes on she gradually brightens up and +recovers her usual spirits. After dinner, I offer my arm to Aniela's +mother, my aunt accepts Pan Chwastowski's, and presently they sip +their black coffee in peace and perfect amity. My aunt inquires after +his sons, and he kisses her hands. I saw those sons of his when they +were at the university, and I hear they are promising young men, but +great radicals. + +Aniela used to get frightened at first at these prandial disputes, +until I gave her the clue to the real state of things. So now when +the first signal of battle is given, she looks at me slyly from under +those long lashes, and there is a little smile lurking in the corners +of her mouth. She is so pretty then I feel tempted to take her in +my arms. I have never met a woman with such delicate veins on her +temples. + + +12 February. + +Truly a metamorphosis of Ovidius on the earth and within me! The frost +has gone, the fine weather vanished, and there is Egyptian darkness. I +cannot describe it better than by saying the weather is foul. What an +abominable climate! In Rome, at the worst, the sun shines at intervals +half a dozen times a day; here lamps ought to be lit these two days. +The black, heavy mist seems to permeate one's thoughts, and paint them +a uniform gray. My aunt and Pan Chwastowski were more intent than +usual upon warfare. He maintained that my aunt, by not allowing the +woods to be touched, causes the timber to spoil; my aunt replied that +others did their best to cut down all the timber, and not a bit of +forest would soon be left in the country. "I am getting old; let +the trees grow old too." This reminds me of the nobleman of vast +possessions who only allowed as much land to be cultivated as to where +the bark of his dog could be heard. + +Aniela's mother, without intending it, gave me to-day a bad quarter of +an hour. Alone with me in the conservatory, she began telling me, with +maternal boastfulness, that an acquaintance of mine, a certain Pan +Kromitzki, had made overtures for Aniela's hand. + +I had a sensation as if somebody tried to remove a splinter from my +flesh with a fork. As the blue waves of light had stirred up within me +a tender feeling for Aniela,--although it was no merit of hers,--so +now the wooing of such a man as Kromitzki threw cold water upon the +nascent affections. I know that ape Kromitzki, and do not like him. He +comes from Austrian Silesia, where it seems they had owned estates. +In Rome he used to say that his family had borne the title of count +already in the fifteenth century, and at the hotels put himself down +as "Graf von Kromitzki." But for his small, black eyes, not unlike +coffee-berries, and his black hair, his head looks as if cut out +from a cheese-rind,--for such is his complexion. He reminds me of a +death's-head, and I simply have a physical loathing for him. Ugh! how +the thought of him in connection with Aniela has spoiled her image. +I am quite aware that she is in no way responsible for Kromitzki's +intentions; but it has damaged her in my eyes. I do not know why her +mother should think it necessary to tell me these details; if it be a +warning, it has missed its aim. She must have some grand qualities, +this Pani P., since she has managed to steer her life through so many +difficulties, and at the same time educated her daughter so well; but +she is clumsy and tedious with her headaches and her macaronism. + +"I confess," she said, "that the alliance suited me. At times I almost +break down under the weight of troubles. I am a woman with little +knowledge of business, and what I acquired I have paid for with my +health; but I had to think of my child. Kromitzki is very clever. He +has large concerns at Odessa, and is at present engaged in some large +speculations in naphtha at Baku, or some such place, 'que sais-je.' It +seems there is some difficulty about his not being a Russian subject. +If he married Aniela he might clear the estate; and as an extensive +landowner he would have no difficulty in getting naturalized." + +"What does Aniela say to this?" I asked impatiently. + +"She does not care for him, but is a good and obedient child. I am +anxious to see her married before I die." + +I did not care to prolong the conversation, which irritated me more +than I can tell; and though I understand well enough, if that match +has not been arranged, it was Aniela's doing, yet I feel aggrieved +that she should allow a man like that even to look at her. For me this +would be a mere question of nerves. I forget, however, that others +are not constituted like me, and that Kromitzki, in spite of his +cadaverous face, passes among women as a good-looking man. + +I wonder what his affairs are. I forgot to ask whether he is at +Warsaw; most likely he is, as he goes there every winter. As to his +business, it may be very magnificent, but I doubt whether it be on a +solid basis. I am not a speculator, and could not for the life of me +transact a stock-exchange affair; but I am shrewd enough to know +it. Besides I am a close observer, and quick to draw conclusions. +Therefore I do not believe in noblemen with a genius for speculation. +I am afraid Kromitzki's is neither an inherited nor innate quality, +but a neurosis driving him into a certain direction. I have seen +examples of that kind. Now and then blind fortune favors the +nobleman-speculator, and he accumulates wealth; but I have not seen +one who did not come to grief before he died. + +Capacities such as these are either inherited or acquired by early +training. Chwastowski's boys will be able to do something in that way +because their father lost by accident all his fortune, and they +have to make a fresh start. But he who with ready capital, without +commercial tradition or professional knowledge, embarks upon commerce, +is bound to come to grief. Speculation cannot be based upon illusions, +and there is too much of that in the speculations of our noblemen. +Upon the whole, I wish Pan von Kromitzki every luck! + + +14 February. + +Pax! pax! pax! The painful impression has vanished. What keen +perceptions Aniela has! I endeavored to be cheerful, though I felt out +of spirits, and I do not think there was any perceptible change in my +behavior; yet she perceived a change at once. To-day, when we looked +at the albums and were alone,--which happens pretty often, on purpose +I suppose,--she grew embarrassed and changed color. I saw at once she +wanted to say something, and did not dare. For a single moment the mad +thought flashed across my brain that she was about to confess her love +for me. But as quick as the thought, I remembered it was a Polish girl +I had before me. A mere chit of a girl--I beg her pardon, a young +princess,--would rather die than be the first to confess her love. +When asked she gives her assent rather as a favor. Besides, Aniela +very quickly corrected my mistake; suddenly closing the album she said +in a hesitating voice: "What is the matter with you, Leon? There is +something the matter, is there not?" + +I began assuring her at once that there was nothing the matter with +me, and to laugh away her perturbation; but she only shook her head +and said: "I have seen that something was amiss these last two days. I +know that men like you may be easily offended, and I have asked myself +whether anything I might have done or said--" Her voice shook a +little, but she looked straight at me. + +"I have not hurt you, have I?" + +There was a moment I felt tempted to say, "If there is anything +wanting to my happiness it is you, Aniela, only you;" but a sudden +terror clutched me by the hair. Not terror of her, but of the +consequences that might follow. I took her hand, kissed it, and said +in the most cheerful voice I could assume, "You are a good and dear +girl; do not mind me,--there is nothing whatever the matter; besides, +you are our guest, and it is I who ought to see that you are +comfortable." + +And I kissed again her hand, both hands in fact. All this could be +still put down to cousinly affection,--human nature is so mean that +the consciousness that there was still a door through which I could +escape lent me courage. I call this feeling mean for the very reason +that I am not responsible to anybody except to myself, and myself I +cannot deceive. Yet I feel that even to myself I shall not give a +strict account, because in so far as my relations to Aniela are +concerned I am carried away by my sensations. I still feel on my lips +the touch of her hand,--and my desires are simply without limit. +Sooner or later I shall myself close that door through which I could +still escape. But could I still escape? Yes, if some extraneous +circumstances came to my aid. + +In the meanwhile she loves me, and everything draws me towards her. +To-day I asked myself, "If it is to be, why put it off?" I found +a ready answer: "Because I do not want to lose any of my present +sensations; the sudden thrills, the charm of the words unspoken, the +questioning glances, the expectations. I wish to spin out the romance +to the very end. I found fault with women that they preferred the +semblance of love to love itself, and now I am quite as anxious not to +lose any of its outward manifestations. But as one gets more advanced +in years one attaches greater importance to these things; and besides, +I am an Epicurean in my sensations." + +After the above conversation with Aniela, we both recovered our +spirits. During evening I helped her in the cutting out of lampshades, +which gave me the opportunity to touch her hands and dress. I hindered +her with the work and she became as gay as a child, and in a child's +quick, plaintive voice called out, "Aunty, Leon is very naughty." + + +14 February. + +Ill luck would have it that I accepted an invitation to attend a +meeting at Councillor S.'s, who always tries to bring together +representatives of all shades and opinions, and over a cup of tea and +a sandwich to bring about a mutual understanding. As a man almost +continually living abroad, I came to this meeting to find out what was +going on in the minds of my countrymen and listen to their reasonings. +The crush was very great, which made me feel uncomfortable, and at the +same time happened what usually happens at large gatherings. Those of +the same shade of opinion congregated in separate rooms to pay each +other compliments and so forth. I was made acquainted with various +councillors and representatives of the press. In other countries, +there is a considerable difference between writers and journalists. +The first is considered an artist and a thinker, the latter, a mere +paragraph-monger--I cannot find a better word. Here there is no such +distinction, and men of both occupations are known under the same +collective name as literary men. The greater part of them follow both +avocations, literature and journalism. Personally, they are more +refined than the journalists I met abroad. I do not like the daily +press, and consider it as one of the plagues sent down to torment +humanity. The swiftness with which the world becomes acquainted with +current events is equal to the superficiality of the information, and +does not compensate for the incredible perversion of public opinion, +as any one who is not prejudiced must perceive. Thanks to the daily +press, the sense which knows how to sift the true from the false +has become blunted, the notions of right and wrong have well-nigh +disappeared, evil stalks about in the garb of righteousness, and +oppression speaks the language of justice; in brief, the human soul +has become immoral and blind. + +There was, among others, also Stawowski, who is considered a leader +among the advanced progressists. He spoke cleverly, but appeared to me +a man suffering from a two-fold disease: liver, and self. He carries +his ego like a glass of water filled to the brim, and seems to say, +"Take care, or it will spill." This fear, by some subtle process, +seems to communicate itself to his audience to such an extent that +nobody dares to be of a different opinion. He has this influence over +others because he believes in what he says. They are wrong, those who +consider him a sceptic. On the contrary, he is of the temperament +which makes fanatics. Had he been born a hundred years ago and been a +judge, he would have sentenced people to have their tongues cut out +for uttering blasphemy. Born as he is in the more enlightened times, +he hates what he would have loved then; but essentially it is the same +man. + +I noticed that our conservatives crowded round Stawowski, not so +much out of curiosity to hear what he said as rather with a certain +watchful coquetry. Here, and maybe in other countries, this party has +little courage. They looked at the speaker with insinuating smiles, as +if they would say: "Although conservatives, nevertheless--" Ah! that +"nevertheless" was like an act of contrition, a kind of submission. +This was so evident that I who am a sceptic as to all party spirit, +began to contradict Stawowski, not as a representative of any party, +but simply as a man who is of a different opinion. My audacity excited +some astonishment. The matter in question was the position of the +working-men. Stawowski spoke of their hopeless condition, their +weakness and incapacity for defending themselves; the audience which +listened to his words grew every minute larger, when I interrupted:-- + +"Do you believe in Darwin's theory, the survival of the fittest?" + +Stawowski, who is a naturalist by profession, took up the challenge at +once. + +"Of course I do," he said. + +"Then allow me to point out to you that you are inconsequent. If I, +as a Christian, care for the weak and defenceless, I do so by the +doctrine of Christ; but you, from a standpoint of a struggle-for-life +existence, ought to see it in a different light: they are weak, they +are foolish, consequently bound to succumb; it is a capital law of +nature,--let the weaker go to perdition. Why is it you do not take it +this way? please explain the contradiction." + +Whether Stawowski was taken aback by the unexpected opposition, or +whether he really had never put the two things together, the fact was +that he was at a loss for a ready answer, grew confused, and did not +even venture upon the expression "altruism," which, after all, says +very little. + +The hero of the evening worsted, the conservatives came over to me in +a body, and I might have become the hero now; but it was getting late, +I was bored, and wanted to get back to Ploszow. Gradually the others +too began to disperse. I was already in my fur coat and searching +for my eyeglasses, that had slipped between the coat and furs, when +Stawowski, who evidently had found his answer, came up to me and +said:-- + +"You asked why--" + +I, still searching for the eyeglasses and rather put out, said +impatiently:-- + +"Plainly speaking, the question does not interest me very much. It is +getting late and everybody is leaving; besides I can guess what you +are going to say, therefore permit me to wish you good-night." + +I fancy I have made an enemy of the man, especially by my last remark. + +It was one o'clock when I arrived at Ploszow, and there a pleasant +surprise awaited me; Aniela was sitting up to make some tea for me. I +found her in the dining-room, still fully dressed, with the exception +of her hair, which was done up for the night. From the intense delight +I felt in seeing her thus unexpectedly, I perceived how deeply she had +entered into my heart. What a dear girl she is, and how pretty she +looks with the tresses coiled low down her neck. And to think that I +have only to say the word and in a month or two I might have the right +to undo those tresses and let them fall on her shoulders. I cannot +think of it quietly. It seems past all belief that happiness should be +so easy to get. + +I began to scold her a little for sitting up so late, and she +replied:-- + +"But I was not in the least sleepy, and begged mamma and aunty to let +me sit up for you. Mamma would not allow it, said it was not proper; +but I explained to her that we were cousins, and that makes all the +difference. And do you know who took my part?--auntie." + +"Dear aunt! You will take some tea with me, will you not?" + +I watched her handling the cups with those deft, graceful fingers, and +felt a desire to kiss them. + +She looked at me now and then, but upon meeting my eyes her eyelashes +drooped. Presently she inquired how I had spent the evening, and what +impressions I had carried away. We spoke in a low voice, though the +sleeping-rooms were far enough away to make it unnecessary. There was +such confidence and heartiness in our intercourse as among relatives +who are fond of each other. + +I told her what I had seen and noticed, as one tells a friend. I spoke +about the general impression the society of the country makes upon a +man that has chiefly lived abroad. She listened quietly with wide-open +eyes, happy to be thus taken into confidence. Then she said:-- + +"Why do you not write about all that, Leon? That I do not think +of such things is not to be wondered at; but nobody else here has +thoughts like these." + +"Why do I not write?" I replied. "There are many reasons for it. I +will explain to you some time; one of them is that I have nobody near +me who, like you, says: 'Leon, why do you not do something?'" + +After this we both became silent. I had never seen Aniela's lashes +veil her eyes so closely, and I could almost hear the beating of her +heart. + +And indeed she had a right to expect me to say: "Will you remain with +me always and put the same question?" But I found such a keen delight +in skirting the precipice before making the final plunge, and feeling +that heart palpitating almost in my hand that I could not do it. + +"Good-night," I said, after a short time. + +And that angelic creature gave not the slightest sign that she had met +with a disappointment. She rose, and with the least touch of sadness +in her voice, but no impatience, replied: "Good-night." + +We shook hands and parted for the night. My hand was already on the +latch, when I turned round and saw her still standing near the table. + +"Aniela! Tell me," I said, "do you not think me a fantastic kind of +man, full of whims and fancies?" + +"Oh, no, not fantastic; sometimes I think you a little strange, but +then I say to myself that men like you are bound to be different from +others." + +"One question more; when was it you thought me strange the first +time?" + +Aniela blushed to the tips of her ears. How pretty she looked with the +pink flame spreading over her face and neck. + +"No, I could not tell you." + +"Then let me guess, and if I am right say yes. It is a single word." + +"What word?" she asked, with increased confusion. + +"Tablets. Yes, or no?" + +"Yes," said Aniela, with drooping eyes. + +"Then I will tell you why I wrote those words. First, because I wanted +a link connecting us together, a little secret shared by both of us, +and also--" + +I pointed at the flowers the gardener had brought from the hot-house. + +"You know flowers want light to bring out all their beauty, and I +wanted plenty of light for our atmosphere." + +"I cannot always follow you," she said, after a momentary silence, +"but I trust you, yes, and believe in you." + +We remained once more silent; I pressed her hand again, saying +good-night. We stopped near the door, and our eyes met. The waters +begin to rise and to rise. They will overstep their boundary any +moment. + + +23 February. + +The human being, like the sea, has his ebb and flood tides. To-day my +will, my energy, the very action of life are at a very low tide. It +came upon me without warning, a mere matter of nerves. But for that +very reason my thoughts are full of bitterness. What right have I, +a man physically worn out and mentally exhausted, to marry at all? +Involuntarily the words of Hamlet come in my mind: "Get thee to a +nunnery; why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?" I shall not bury +myself within cloister walls. The future sinners will be like me, +all nerves, oversensitive, not fit for any practical life,--in fact, +artists without portfolios. But the deuce take it, it is not they, but +Aniela I am thinking of. Have I a right to marry her,--to link that +fresh budding life, full of simple faith in God and the world, to my +doubts, my spiritual impotence, my hopeless scepticism, my criticism +and nerves? What will be the result of it for her? I cannot regain +another spiritual youth, and even at her side cannot find my old self; +my brains cannot change, or my nerves grow more vigorous,--and what +then? Is she to wither at my side? It would be simply monstrous. I to +play the part of a polypus that sucks the life-blood of its victims in +order to renew its own life! A heavy cloud weighs on my brain. But if +such be the case why did I allow it to go so far? What have I been +doing ever since I met Aniela? Playing on her very heartstrings to +bring forth sweet music. And yet, what for me was "Quasi una fantasia" +may prove to her "Quasi un dolore." Yes, I have played on that +sensitive instrument from morning until night; and what is more, +I feel that in spite of my self-upbraidings, I shall do the same +to-morrow and the days following, for I cannot help it; she attracts +me more than any woman I ever met, I desire her above all things--I +love her! + +Why delude myself any longer?--I love her! + +What is to be done? Must I go away back to Rome? That means a +disappointment and sorrow for her; for who knows how deeply rooted +her feelings may be? To marry her is the same as to sacrifice her for +myself, and make her life unhappy in another way. A truly enchanted +circle! Only people of the Ploszowski species ever get into such +dilemmas. And there is devilish little comfort in the thought that +there are more such as I, or that their name is legion. + +Whether the species be gradually dying out, as badly fitted for the +struggle of life, remains to be seen; for in addition to an incapacity +for life, there is ill luck as well. I might have met such an Aniela +ten years ago, when my sails were not, as now, worn to shreds and +patches. + +If that honest soul, my aunt, knew how, with the best of intentions, +she brought me to this pass, she would be truly grieved. There was +tragedy enough in my life,--the consciousness of utter failure, the +dark mist in which my thoughts were straying; now there is a new,--to +be, or not to be; but no, it is far worse than that! + + +26 February. + +Yesterday I went again to Warsaw by appointment, to meet a certain Pan +Julius Keo, on whose estates I lodged part of the capital I inherited +from my mother. Pan Julius Keo wants to pay off the mortgage, and +asked me to meet him at a fixed time; and I waited for him the whole +day. The devil take their ways of managing any business in this +country! He will make five other appointments, and not keep one. He is +very rich, wants to get rid of the mortgage, and is able to pay it off +any time; and yet--such is our way of transacting business. + +From my own observations I long since came to the conclusion that in +money matters we are the most flighty and unbusinesslike people in the +world. I, who like to go to the root of matters, often pondered over +this phenomenon. + +According to my ideas, this is the result of the purely agricultural +occupation of the people. Commerce was in the hands of the Jews, and +these could not teach us accuracy; the cultivator of the soil is +unreliable because the soil is unreliable, he is unpunctual because +nature has no punctuality. Working in the soil, they gradually take +some of its characteristics, which enters into their moral being, and +in the course of time becomes an inherited defect. + +The knowledge of cause and effect does not restore me to an equable +temper. I had to tear myself away from Aniela for a whole day, and +what is more, shall have to go through the some process a few +days hence; but it cannot be helped. In my aunt's house I found +visiting-cards from Kromitzki,--one for me and two for the elder +ladies. I was afraid he might take it into his head to pay us a +visit at Ploszow; to avoid that, I went out to leave my card on him. +Unfortunately for me, he was at home, and I had to stay half an hour. +He began his conversation by telling me that he had promised to call +at Ploszow; to which I replied that we had gone there merely for a few +days, and would be back in town almost immediately. He asked after +Aniela's mother, and very guardedly after Aniela herself. He evidently +wanted to impress me with the fact that he inquired as a mere +acquaintance. I am so impressionable that even this gave me a twinge; +how I loathe that man! I fancy the Tartars under Batu Khan must have +played many pranks in what is to-day Austrian Silesia, when looting +the country after the battle of Liegnitz. That those black eyes, like +roasted coffee-berries, did not come from Silesian ancestors, I have +not the slightest doubt. + +He was exceedingly polite to me, because I am rich. It is true, he +wants nothing from me,--I do not give him anything, and my being rich +is of no advantage to him; but as a financier he worships money. We +spoke about the difficulties in which Aniela's mother was and is still +involved. According to Kromitzki, a great deal of her fortune might +still be saved if she would part with the estate. Kromitzki looks upon +the reluctance to part with ancestral lands as a mere fad. He said he +might be able to understand it if she had the means to prevent it, but +as the case stood it was mere sentimentality. + +He is very talkative, and discussed at some length our national +idiocy. Money was lying on the pavement, to be had for the picking up. +His father, like other noblemen, had left scarcely any fortune; when +all debts were cleared off there remained a paltry hundred thousand +florins, and the world knew how he, Kromitzki, stood at present. + +"If that business in Turkestan comes off, I shall be able to wind up +my affairs. The Jews and Greeks have made millions in the contract +business; why should not we be able to do as well? I do not put +myself as an example; but I say, why should we not? There is room for +everybody,--why not go in for it?" + +According to my opinion, Kromitzki has a certain aptness for business, +but is foolish in a general sense. That we are shiftless, everybody +knows that; and that here and there somebody makes a fortune by +contracts, I can well believe; but the greater part of the people must +work at home, and not look for millions from contracts in Turkestan. + +May God save Aniela from an alliance with that man. He may have some +good qualities, but he belongs to a different moral type. If there be +a worse fate in store for her, ought I to hesitate any longer? + + +28 February. + +The elder ladies seem uneasy that the affair is not going on as +speedily as they had fancied; my aunt, who is of an impatient temper, +must chafe inwardly not a little. But the expression of happiness on +Aniela's face soothes them, and allays their fears. I can read in her +eyes endless trust and thorough belief in me. She fills my thoughts so +that I cannot think of anything but her. I desire her more and more, +and do not want to play upon her feelings any longer,--I want her. + + +4 March. + +This day has been to me of so much importance that I am obliged to +muster all my calmness and self-possession to put down everything in +its proper order. Nevertheless, I cannot contain myself. The die is +cast, or as good as cast. I could not have gone on quietly, had I not +put that down. + +And now I can begin. Sniatynski and his wife arrived here towards +noon, for an early dinner. He had to go back, as a new play of his +is coming out at the theatre. However happy we may be in our rural +seclusion, we are always delighted to see them. Aniela is great +friends with Pani Sniatynska, and I suppose there will be an exchange +of confidences. Pani Sniatynska guessed at the state of things, and +tried to put her hand to the wheel, to make the cart go a little +faster. She had only just arrived, when she said to my aunt:-- + +"How lovely and peaceful everything is here! No wonder the young +people there do not pine after the dissipations of town." + +We both, Aniela and I, understood perfectly well that Pani Sniatynska, +calling us the young people, was not referring only to our age. +Besides, she repeated the same thing several times during dinner: "the +young people," "the young couple," as if making a pointed difference +between us two and the elder ladies. But there was such real sympathy +for us in the friendly eyes; such a pricking up of her little ears to +hear what we were saying to each other; and the little woman looked so +charming withal that I forgive her readily her good-natured meddling. +I have arrived at such a state of infatuation that this coupling of +our names rather gladdens than irritates me. Aniela too seemed to hear +it with pleasure. In her efforts to please the Sniatynskis and the +attentions she bestowed on them during dinner, she truly looked like a +young bride, who receives dear visitors for the first time in her new +home. At the sight of this my aunt's heart seemed to swell, and she +said many kind and polite things to both Sniatynskis. I noticed a +wonderful thing, which I should not believe had I not seen it with my +own eyes. Pani Sniatynska blushes up to her ears when anybody praises +her husband! To blush with pleasure when her husband is praised after +eight years of married life! Surely, I committed an egregious mistake +writing as I did about Polish women. + +The dinner passed off very pleasantly. A married couple, like these +two, are born matchmakers. The very sight of them sets people +thinking: "If married life is like that, let us go and commit +matrimony." I at least saw it for the first time in a quite different +light,--not as the prose of life, a commonplace, more or less +skilfully disguised indifference, but as a thing to be desired. + +Aniela evidently read our future in the same light; I saw it in her +eyes shining with happiness. + +After dinner I remained in the dining-room with Sniatynski, who liked +a quiet talk over a glass of cognac after his coffee. The elder ladies +went to the drawing-room, and Aniela took Pani Sniatynska upstairs to +show her some photographs of Volhynia. I questioned Sniatynski about +his new play, the fate of which seemed to make him a little anxious. +Our conversation drifted on to those times when we both tried our +sprouting wings. He told me how afterwards, step by step, he had +worked his way upward; how he had been full of doubts, and still +doubted his power, in spite of having acquired a certain reputation. + +"Tell me," I asked, "what do you do with your fame?" + +"How do you mean what I do with my fame?" + +"For instance, do you wear it as a crown on your head, or as a golden +fleece round your neck? do you put it over your writing-desk, or hang +it up in your drawing-room? I only ask as a man who has no idea what +to do with it if he once obtains it?" + +"Let us suppose I have won it; the man must be deuced ill-bred +mentally either to wear the so-called fame as an ornament or to put it +up for show. I confess that at first it gratifies one's vanity; but +only a spiritual parvenu would find it sufficient to fill the whole +life, or take the place of real happiness. It is quite another thing +to be conscious you are doing good work; that the public appreciates +it, and that your work calls forth an echo in other minds,--a public +man has the right to feel pleased with that. But as to feeling +gratified when somebody, looking more or less foolish, comes up and +says: 'We are indebted to you for so much pleasure;' or, when a dinner +does not agree with me, our daily press remarks: 'We communicate +to our readers the sad news that our famous XX suffers from a +stomachache,'--pshaw! what do you take me for, that such a thing could +give me satisfaction?" + +"Listen," I said, "I am not inordinately vain; but I confess that, +when people speak of my extraordinary talents, and regret that I make +not a better use of them, it flatters me; and though I feel more +than ever my uselessness, it gives me pleasure; humankind is fond of +approbation." + +"That is because you pity yourself, and in that you are quite right. +But you are turning away from the question. I do not say that it would +give one pleasure to be called an ass." + +"But the public esteem that goes hand in hand with fame?" + +Sniatynski, who is very lively and always walks about the room, +sitting down on any table or chair, now sat on the window-sill, and +replied:-- + +"Public esteem? You are wrong there, old fellow; there is no such +thing. Ours is a strange society, dominated by a pure republican +jealousy. I write plays, work for the stage; very good. I have gained +a certain reputation; better still. Now, these plays excite the +jealousy,--of another playwright, you think? Not at all; it is the +engineer, the bank clerk, the teacher, the physician, the railway +official,--in short, people who never wrote a play in their +lives,--that envy you. All these in their intercourse will show that +they do not think much of you, will speak slightingly of you behind +your back, and belittle you on purpose, so as to add an inch or two to +their own height. 'Sniatynski? who is he? Yes, I remember; he dresses +at the same tailor as I.' Such is fame, my dear fellow." + +"But if must be worth something, since people risk their lives for +it?" + +Sniatynski grew thoughtful, and replied with a certain gravity:-- + +"In private life it is worth something; you can make a footstool of it +for the woman you love." + +"You will gain a new fame by this definition." + +Sniatynski rushed at me with lively impetuosity. + +"Yes, yes; put all your laurels into a cushion, go to the dear one, +and say to her: 'This for which people risk their lives; this which +they consider supreme happiness, appreciate more than wealth,--I have +got it, striven for it; and now put your dear feet on it at once.' If +you do this, you will be loved all your life. You wanted to know what +fame is good for, and there you are." + +Further discussions were cut short by the entrance of Pani Sniatynska +and Aniela. They were dressed for going out to the hot-houses. What an +imp of mischief lurks in that little woman. She came up to her husband +to ask his permission to go out, which he granted, insisting only that +she should wrap herself up warm; she turned to me and said with a +roguish smile,-- + +"You will let Aniela go, will you not?" + +That Aniela should blush furiously was only natural, but that I, +an old stager, a razor sharpened against the strops of so many +experiences, should have betrayed so much confusion, I cannot forgive +myself. But, putting on a semblance of self-possession, I went up to +Aniela, and raising her hand to my lips, said:-- + +"It is Aniela who gives orders at Ploszow, and I am her humble +subject." + +I should have liked to take Sniatynski with me and join the excursion, +but refrained. I felt a want to speak about Aniela, my future +marriage, and I knew that sooner or later Sniatynski himself would +broach the question. I gave him an opening after the ladies had left +us by saying:-- + +"And do you still believe as firmly as ever in your life-dogmas?" + +"More than ever, or rather, the same as ever. There is no expression +more worn to tatters than the word 'love;' one scarcely likes to use +it; but between ourselves, I tell you; love in the general meaning, +love in the individual sense does not permit of criticism. It is one +of the canons of life. My philosophy consists in not philosophizing +about it at all,--and the deuce take me if for the matter of that, I +consider myself more foolish than other people. With love, life is +worth something; without, it is not worth a bag of chaff." + +"Let us see what you have to say about individual love,--or better +still, put in its place woman." + +"Very well, let it be woman." + +"My good friend, do you not perceive on what brittle foundation you +are building human happiness?" + +"On about as brittle a foundation as life,--no more nor less!" + +I did not want to drift into a discussion of life and death, and +pulled Sniatynski up. + +"For mercy's sake, do not generalize about individual happiness. You +chanced to find the right woman, another might not." + +He would not even listen to that. According to his view, ninety out of +a hundred were successful. Women were better, purer, and nobler than +men. + +"We are rascals all, in comparison with them!" he shouted, waving his +arms and snaking his leonine mane. "Nothing but rascals! It is I who +say it,--I, who study mankind closely, if only for the reason that I +am a playwright." + +He was sitting astride on his chair, attacking me, as it were, with +the chairback, and went on with his usual impetuosity:-- + +"There are, as Dumas says, apes from the land of Nod, who know neither +curb nor bridle; but what are eyes given for but to see that you do +not take to wife an ape from Nod? Generally speaking a woman does not +betray her husband nor deceive him, unless he himself corrupts her +heart, tramples on her feelings, or repulses and estranges her by his +meanness, his selfishness, narrowness, and his miserable, worthless +nature. You must love her! Let her feel that she is not only your +female, but the crown of your head, as precious as your child and +friend; wear her close to your heart, let her feel the warmth of it, +and you may rest in peace; year after year she will cling closer to +you, until you two are like Siamese twins. If you do not give her all +that, you pervert her, estrange her by your worthlessness,--and she +will leave you. She will leave you as soon as she sees nobler hands +stretched out for her; she is forced to do it, as this warmth, this +appreciation, are as necessary to her life as the air she breathes." + +He charged me with the chairback as with a battering ram. I retreated +before him until we had come close to the window; there he jumped up. + +"How blind you are! In presence of such social drought, such utter +absence of general happiness as stamps our time, not to grasp this +felicity that is within reach! Shiver on the forum, and not light a +fire at home! Idiotism can go no farther! I tell you plainly, go and +get married." + +He pointed through the window at Aniela, who with his wife was coming +back from the hot-houses, and added: "There is your happiness. There +it patters in fur boots on the frozen snow. Take her by weight of +gold, by weight in carats rather! You simply have no home, not only in +a physical sense, but in a moral, intellectual meaning; you have no +basis, no point of rest, and she will give you all that. But do not +philosophize her away as you have philosophized away your abilities +and your thirty-five years of life!" + +He could not have told me anything better, nobler, or what chimed in +more with my own desires. I pressed his hands and replied:-- + +"No, I will not philosophize her away, because I love her." + +Upon this the ladies entered, and Pani Sniatynska observed:-- + +"We heard some disputes when we were leaving, but I see peace is +restored. May I ask what you have been discussing?" + +"Woman, madame," I said. + +"And what was the result?" + +"As you see, a treaty of peace sealed by a grasp of the hand, and +something further may come of it in the course of time." + +The sledge was already waiting at the door. The short day was drawing +to its close, and they had to go back; but as the weather was calm, +and the snow on the drive as smooth as a parquetted floor, we +resolved, Aniela and I, to accompany them as far as the high-road. + +And so we did. After having said good-by to our charming visitors, we +went slowly homeward. It was already dusk; in the dim light I could +still see Aniela's face. She seemed moved, perhaps had opened her +heart to Pani Sniatynska, and even now hoped for the long deferred +word. It was almost burning on my tongue; but, oh, wonder! I who never +yet had lost all my self-possession, I who was used to play upon +heartstrings, who at a fencing match of that kind, if not cleverly, at +least with perfect composure guarded myself against the most masterly +strokes, I was as deeply moved as a lad in his teens. What a +difference from former sentiments. I was afraid I could not find words +to express myself,--and remained silent. + +Thus in silence we approached the veranda. The snow was slippery; +I offered her my arm, and when she leaned on it I felt how all my +desires were centred in her. The feeling grew so intense that it +thrilled my nerves like electric sparks. We entered the hall. There +was nobody there; not even the lamps were lit, the only light came in +fitful gleams from the open stoves. In this half-light and in silence +I began to relieve Aniela of her furs, when suddenly the warmth +emanating from her body seemed to enter into my veins; I put my arm +around her, and drawing her close to me I pressed my lips on her brow. + +It was done almost unconsciously, and Aniela must have been greatly +startled, for she made not the slightest resistance. Presently a +footstep became audible; it was the servant with the lamps. She went +upstairs, and I, deeply moved, entered the dining-room. + +To every man who is ever so little enterprising, similar events occur +in the course of life. I am no exception, but, as a rule, I always +kept the mastery over myself. Now it was different. Thoughts and +sensations whirled across my brain like leaves before a gale. +Fortunately the dining-room was empty; my aunt and Aniela's mother +were in the drawing-room, where I joined them after a while. My +thoughts were so far away that I scarcely heard what they were saying +to me. I felt restless. I seemed to see Aniela sitting in her room, +pressing her hands to her temples, trying to realize what it all +meant. Soon Aniela herself came down. I felt relieved, as I had feared +she might not come down again for the evening. She had two burning +spots on either side of her face, and eyes bright as if from recent +slumber. She had tried to cool her face with powder; I saw the traces +on her left temple. The sight of her moved me; I felt that I loved her +deeply. + +Presently she stooped over some needlework. I saw that her breath came +and went irregularly, and once or twice I intercepted a quick glance +full of unsettled questions and trouble. + +In order to set her mind at rest I thrust myself into the conversation +of the elder ladies, who were speaking about Sniatynski, and said:-- + +"Sniatynski considers me a kind of Hamlet, and says I philosophize too +much; but I am going to show him that he is mistaken, and that not +later than to-morrow." + +I laid some stress on the "to-morrow," and Aniela caught the meaning, +for she gave me a long look; but my aunt, all unconscious, asked:-- + +"Are you going to see him to-morrow?" + +"We ought to go and see his play, and if Aniela agrees we will all go +to-morrow." + +The dear girl looked at me shyly but trustingly, and said, with +indescribable sweetness:-- + +"I will go with great pleasure." + +There was a moment when I could scarcely contain myself, and felt +I ought to speak there and then; but I had said "to-morrow," and +refrained. + +I feel like a man who shuts his eyes and ears before taking the final +plunge. But I really think it is a costly pearl I shall find at the +bottom of the deep. + + +CASA OSORIA, 6 March. + +Yesterday I arrived at Rome. My father is not quite so bad as I +had feared. His left arm and the left side of his body are almost +paralyzed, but the doctor tells me his heart is not threatened, and +that he may live for years. + + +7 March. + +I left Aniela in doubt, expectation, and suspense. But I could not do +otherwise. The day following the Sniatynskis' visit, the very day I +was going to ask Aniela to be my wife, I received a letter from my +father telling me about his illness. + +"Make haste, dear boy," he wrote, "for I should like to see you before +I die, and I feel my bark very close to the shore." + +After the receipt of such a letter I took the first train, and never +stopped until I reached Rome. When leaving Ploszow I had very little +hope to find my father alive. In vain my aunt tried to comfort me, +saying if things were so bad he would surely have sent a telegram +instead of a letter. + +I know my father's little oddities, among which is a rooted dislike to +telegrams. But my aunt's composure was only put on, at the bottom she +felt as frightened as myself. + +In the hurry, the sudden shock, and under the horror of my father's +likely death, I could not speak of love and marriage. It seemed +against nature, almost a brutal thing, to whisper words of love, not +knowing whether at the same time my father might not be breathing his +last. They all understood that, and especially Aniela. + +"I will write to you from Rome," I said before starting; to which she +replied: "May God comfort you first." + +She trusts me altogether. Rightly or wrongly, I have the reputation +of fickleness in regard to women, and Aniela must have heard remarks +about it; maybe it is for that very reason the dear girl shows such +unbounded confidence in me. I understand, and can almost hear the +pure soul saying: "They wrong you,--you are not fickle; and those who +accuse you of fickleness do not know what love means, and did not love +you as truly and deeply as I love you." + +Perhaps I am a little fickle by nature, and this disposition, +developed under the influence of the barren, empty, worthless +sentiments I met with in the world,--this might have dried up my heart +and corrupted it altogether; in which case Aniela would have to pay +for the sins of others. But I believe the case is not hopeless, and +the blessed physician has not come too late. Who knows whether it be +ever too late, and that the pure, honest love of a woman does not +possess the power to raise the dead? Perhaps, too, the masculine heart +has a greater power of recuperation. There is a legend about the rose +of Jericho, which, though dry to the core, revives and brings forth +leaves when touched by a drop of dew. I have noticed that the male +nature has more elasticity than the female. A man steeped in such +utter corruption that half of its venom would cover the woman with +moral leprosy is able to throw off the contagion, and recover easily +not only his moral freshness, but even a certain virginity of heart. +It is the same with the affections. I have known women whose hearts +were so used up that they lost every capacity of loving, even of +respecting anything or anybody. I have never known men like that. +Decidedly, love cleanses our hearts. Definitions like these sound +strange from a sceptic's pen; but in the first place I have no more +belief in my doubts than I have in any other kind of assertions, +axioms, and observations which serve general humanity as a basis of +life. I am ready to admit at any moment that my doubts are as far +removed from the essence of things as are these axioms. Secondly, I +am writing now under the influence of my love for Aniela, who, maybe, +does not know herself how wisely she is acting, and how by that very +trust in me she has secured a powerful hold on my affections. Lastly, +whenever I speak of love, or any other principle of life, I speak and +write of it as it appears to me in the present. What my opinion about +it will be to-morrow, I do not know. Ah, if I but knew that whatever +view I take or principle I confess would withstand the blasting +scepticism of to-morrow or the days following, I would make it my +canon of life, and float along with sails unfurled, like Sniatynski, +in the light, instead of groping my way in darkness and solitude. + +But I do not intend to go back now to my inner tragedy. As to love in +general, from the standpoint of a sceptic in regard to the world and +its manifestations, I might say with Solomon, "Vanitas vanitatum;" +but I should be utterly blind did I not perceive that of all active +principles this is the most powerful,--so powerful indeed that +whenever I think of it or my eyes roam over the everlasting ocean +of all-life, I am simply struck with amazement at its almightiness. +Though these are known things, as much known as the rising of the sun +and the tides of the ocean, nevertheless they are always wonderful. + +After Empedocles, who divined that Eros evolved the worlds from Chaos, +metaphysics have not advanced one step. Only death is a power equally +absolute; yet in the eternal struggle between the two, love is the +stronger; love conquers death by night and day, conquers it every +spring, follows death step by step, throwing fresh grain into the gulf +it creates. People occupied with every-day affairs forget or do not +wish to remember that they are love's servants. It is strange when we +come to think of it that the warrior, the chancellor of state, the +cultivator of the soil, the merchant, the banker, in all their +efforts, which apparently have nothing to do with love, are merely +furthering its ends; that is, they serve the law of nature which bids +the man to stretch out his arms for the woman. A mad paradox it would +seem to a Bismarck if he were told that the final and only aim of all +his endeavors is to further the love of Hermann and Dorothea. It seems +even to me a paradox; and yet Bismarck's aim is the consolidation of +the German empire, and this can be achieved only through Hermann and +Dorothea. What else, then, has a Bismarck to do but to create by +the help of politics and bayonets such conditions that Hermann and +Dorothea may love each other in peace, unite in happiness, and bring +up new generations? + +When at the university I read an Arabian ghazel in which the poet +compares the power of love to that of infernal torments. I forget the +name of the poet, but the idea remained in my memory. Truly, love is +the one power that lasts for all times, holds the world together, and +creates new worlds. + + +10 March. + +To-day I tore up three or four letters to Aniela. After dinner, I went +into my father's room to talk with him about my aunt's plans. I found +him looking through a lens at some epilichnions with the earth still +adhering to them, he had received from the Peloponnesus. How splendid +he looked in that light coming through stained windows in the large +room full of Etruscan vases, statues more or less mutilated, and all +kinds of Greek and Roman treasures. Among these surroundings his face +reminded me of a divine Plato or of some other Greek sage. When I +entered he interrupted his work, listened attentively to what I had to +say, and then asked, "Do you hesitate?" + +"No, I do not hesitate, but I am reflecting. I want to know why I want +it." + +"Then I will tell you this; I was once like you, inclined to analyze +not only my own feelings but all manifestations of life. When I came +to know your mother I lost that faculty at once. I knew one thing +only, that I wanted her, and did not care to know anything else. +Therefore if you have a like powerful desire, marry. I express myself +wrongly, for if you wish it very much you will do it without anybody's +help or advice, and be as happy as I was until your mother died." + +We remained silent for some time. If I were to apply my father's words +closely to my own case, I should feel small comfort. I love Aniela, +there is no doubt; but I have not arrived yet at a state that +precludes all reflection. But I do not consider this as a bad sign; +it simply means that I belong to a generation that has gone a step +farther on the way to knowledge. + +There are always two persons within me,--the actor, and the spectator. +Often the spectator is dissatisfied with the actor, but at present +they both agree. + +My father was the first to interrupt the silence. + +"Tell me what she is like." + +Since a description is an unsatisfactory way of painting a portrait, I +showed my father a large and really excellent photograph of Aniela, at +which he looked with the keenest interest. I was no less interested in +the study of his face, in which I saw not only the roused artist, +but also the refined connoisseur of female beauty, the old Leon +_l'Invincible_. Resting the photograph on the poor hand half +paralyzed, he put on his eyeglass with the right, and then holding the +likeness at a longer or shorter distance he began to say: "But for +certain details, the face is like one of those Ary-Schaeffer liked to +paint. How lovely she would look with tears in her eyes. Some people +dislike angelic faces in women, but I think that to teach an angel +how to become a woman is the very height of victory. She is very +beautiful, very uncommon looking. 'Enfin, tout ce qu'il y a de plus +beau au monde--c'est la femme.'" + +Here he fumbled with his eyeglass, and then added: "Judging by the +face, or rather by the photograph (sometimes one makes mistakes, but I +have had some practice), hers is a thoroughly loyal nature. Women of +this type are in love with the whiteness of their plumage. God bless +you, my boy! I like her very much, this Aniela of yours. I used to be +afraid you might end by marrying a foreigner--let it be Aniela." + +I came up close to him and he put his arm round my neck. + +"I should like to see my future daughter before I die." + +I assured him that he would certainly see her shortly. Then I unfolded +my plans of bringing Aniela and her mother over to Rome. After a +betrothal by letter I might expect as much, and the ladies would not +refuse, if only out of consideration for my father. In this case the +marriage ceremony would take place at Rome, and that very soon. + +My father was delighted with the plan; old and sick people like to see +around them life and motion. I knew that Aniela would be pleased with +this turn of affairs, and let my thoughts dwell upon it with more and +more pleasure. Within a few weeks everything would be settled. Such +quick decision would be against my nature, but the very idea that I +could exert myself if I wished raised my spirits. I already saw myself +escorting Aniela about Rome. Only those who live there understand +what a delight it is to show to anybody the endless treasures of that +city,--a much greater delight when the somebody is the beloved woman. + +Our conversation was interrupted by a visit from Mr. and Mrs. Davis, +who come every day to see my father. He is an English Jew, and she +an Italian nobleman's daughter who married him for the sake of his +wealth. Mr. Davis himself is a valetudinarian, who took out of his +life twice as much as his poor organization could bear. He is ill, +threatened with softening of the brain, indifferent to everything that +goes on around him,--one of those specimens of mankind one meets at +hydropathic establishments. Mrs. Davis looks like a Juno; her eyebrows +meet on her forehead, and she has the figure of a Greek statue. I do +not like her; she reminds me of the leaning tower at Pisa,--leans but +does not fall. A year ago I paid her some attentions; she flirted with +me outrageously, that was all. My father has a singular weakness for +her; I thought at times he was in love with her. At any rate, he +admires her from a thinker and artist's point of view; for beautiful +she is,--there can be no two opinions as to that,--and of more than +average intelligence. Their conversations, which my father calls +"causeries Romaines," are endless, and they never seem to get tired of +them; maybe these discussions about life's problems with a beautiful +woman appear Italian to him, poetical, and worthy of the times of the +Renaissance. I very seldom take part in these conversations because +I do not believe in Mrs. Davis' sincerity. It seems to me that her +intellect is merely a matter of brain, and not of soul, and that in +reality she does not care for anything except her beauty and the +comforts of life. I have often met women who seem full of lofty +aspiration; upon closer acquaintance it seems that religion, +philosophy, art, and literature, are only so many items of their +toilet. They dress themselves in either as it suits their style of +beauty. I suppose it is the same with Mrs. Davis; she drapes herself +in problems of life, sometimes in Greek and Roman antiquities, in the +Divina Commedia, or the Renaissance, the churches, museums, and so +forth. I can understand a powerful intellectual organism making itself +the centre of the universe; but in a woman, and one who is bent upon +futile things, it is mere laughable egoism and vanity. + +I ask myself what makes Mrs. Davis so fond of my father; and I fancy +I know the reason. My father, with his fine head of a patrician +philosopher, and his manners reminding one of the eighteenth +century, is for her a kind of _objet d'art_, and still more, a grand +intelligent mirror, in which she can admire her own beauty and +cleverness; besides, she feels grateful that he never criticises her, +and likes her very much. Upon this basis has sprung up a friendship, +or rather a kind of affection for my father which gradually has become +a necessity of her life. Moreover, Mrs. Davis has the reputation of a +coquette, and coming here to see my father every day, she says to +the world: "It is not true; this old man is seventy, and nobody can +suspect me of flirting with him, and yet I show him more attentions +than to any one else." Finally, though she herself comes from an old +family, Mr. Davis, in spite of his wealth, is a mere nobody, and their +friendship with my father strengthens their position in society. There +was a time when I asked myself whether these daily visits were not +partly for my sake--and who knows? At any rate, it is not my qualities +which attract her, nor any real feeling on her part. But she feels +that I do not believe in her, and this irritates her. I should not +wonder if she hated me, and yet would like to see me at her feet. I +might have been, for she is a splendid specimen of the human species; +I would have been, if only for the sake of the meeting eyebrows and +the Juno shoulders,--but at a price she does not feel inclined to pay. + +Soon after the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Davis my father began a +philosophical discussion, which, going from one question to another, +concluded with an analysis of human feelings. Mrs. Davis made +several very shrewd remarks. From the studio we went to the terrace +overlooking our gardens. It is only the tenth of March, and here +spring is at its best. This year everything is much advanced,--fierce +heat in the daytime, the magnolias covered with snow-white blossoms, +and the nights as warm as in July. What a different world from that of +Ploszow. I breathe here with all my lungs. + +Mrs. Davis on the terrace with the moon shining upon her was +beautiful as a Greek dream. I saw she was under the influence of that +indescribable Roman night. Her voice was softer, even, and more mellow +than usual. Perhaps even now she only thinks of herself, is impressed +because it is herself who feels it, dresses herself in moonbeams, +restfulness, and magnolia scent as in a new shawl or bonnet. But all +the same the dress suits her splendidly. Were it not that my heart is +full of Aniela, I should fall under the spell of the picture. Besides +this, she said things which not many could have conceived. + +All the same, whenever I am present at these _causeries Romaines_ +I have always a feeling that my father, I, such as Mrs. Davis, and +generally speaking, all the people of the so-called upper classes do +not live a true, real life. Below us something is always going +on, something always happens; there is the struggle for life, for +bread,--a life full of diligent work, animal necessities, appetites, +passions, every-day efforts,--a palpable life, which roars, leaps, and +tumbles like ocean waves; and we are sitting eternally on terraces, +discussing art, literature, love, woman, strangers to that other +life far removed from it, obliterating, out of the seven, the six +work-days. Without being conscious of it, our inclinations, +nerves, and soul are fit only for holidays. Immersed into blissful +dilettantism as in a warm bath, we are half awake, half dreaming. +Consuming leisurely our wealth, and our inherited supply of nerves and +muscles, we gradually lose our foothold upon the soil. We are as the +down, carried away by the wind. Scarcely do we touch ground, when the +real life pushes us back, and we draw aside; for we have no power of +resistance. + +When I think of it I see nothing but contradictions in us. We consider +ourselves the outcome and highest rung of civilization, and yet have +lost faith in ourselves; only the most foolish believe in our _raison +d'être._ We look out instinctively for places of enjoyment, gayety, +and happiness, and yet we do not believe in happiness. Though our +pessimism be wan and ephemeral as the clouds from our Havanas, it +obscures our view of wider horizons. Amidst these clouds and mists +we create for ourselves a separate world, a world torn off from the +immensity of all life, shut up within itself, a little empty and +somnolent. If this merely concerned the aristocracy, whether by +descent or wealth, the portent would be less weighty. But to this +isolated world belong more or less all those who boast of a higher +culture,--men of science, literature, and art. This world does not +dwell within the very marrow of life, but parting from it creates a +separate circle; in consequence withers within itself and does not +help in softening down the animalism of those millions which writhe +and surge below. + +I do not speak as a reformer, because I lack the strength. Besides, +what matters it to me? Who can avoid the inevitable? But at times I +have the dim presentiment of a terrible danger which threatens the +cultured world. The great wave which will wash us from off the surface +of the earth will carry off more than that one which washed away +hairpowder and shirtfrills. It is true that to those who perished then +it seemed that with them the whole civilization was perishing. + +In the mean while it is pleasant to sit on moonlit terraces and talk +in subdued tones about art, love, and woman, and look at the divine +profile of such a woman as Mrs. Davis. + + +10 March. + +Mountains, towers, rocks, the further they recede from our view, +appear as a mere outline through a veil of blue haze. There is a kind +of psychical blue haze that enfolds those who are removed from us. +Death itself is a removal, but the chasm is so wide that the beloved +ones who have crossed it disappear within the haze and become as +beloved shadows. The Greek genius understood this when he peopled the +Elysian fields with shadows. + +But I will not enlarge upon these mournful comparisons, especially +when I want to write about Aniela. I am quite certain my feelings +towards her have not changed, but I seem to see her a long distance +off, shrouded in a blue haze and less real than at Ploszow. I do not +feel her through my senses. When I compare my present feelings with +those I had at Ploszow, she is more of a beloved spirit than a desired +woman. From a certain point of view it is better, as a desired woman +might be even such a woman as Mrs. Davis; but on the other hand this +is not one of the reasons that have prevented me from writing to +Aniela. Doubtless that profile of Mrs. Davis which I still see before +me is a mere passing impression. When I compare these two women my +feeling for the other becomes very tender; and yet I leave her in +cruel suspense and uncertainty. + +To-day my father wrote to my aunt, setting her mind at rest as to his +health, and I added a postscript from myself, sending kind regards +to Aniela and her mother. I could not say much in a few lines, but I +might have promised them a longer letter. Such a promise would have +comforted Aniela and the elder ladies. I did not do it because I could +not. To-day my spirits are at a very low ebb. My wish for another +life, and my trust in the future have retreated into the farthest +distance; I can see them no more, see only the barren, sandy +wilderness. I cannot get rid of the idea that I can only marry Aniela +if I can conscientiously believe that our union would lead to mutual +happiness. I cannot represent it otherwise to Aniela without uttering +a lie; for I have none of that belief, and instead of it an utter +hopelessness almost a dislike of life. She is ill at ease with longing +and uncertainty, but I am worse, all the more so because I love her. + + +11 March. + +Mrs. Davis, to whom, during our _causerie_ on the moonlit terrace, I +unfolded my view as to the all-powerfulness of love, more or less as I +have written it down, called me Anacreon, and advised me to crown my +head with vine leaves, and then said more soberly, "If such be your +opinions, why play the part of pessimist? Belief in such a deity ought +to make any man happy." + +Why? I did not tell her, but I know why. Love conquers death, but +saves from it only the species. What matters it to me that the species +be preserved, when I, the individual, am sentenced to a merciless, +unavoidable death? Is it not rather a refined cruelty that the very +affections, which can be felt only by the individual, should serve the +future of the species only? To feel the throbbing of an eternal power, +and yet to die,--that is the height of misery. In reality there +exists only the individual; the species is an abstract idea, and in +comparison to the individual, an utter Nirvana. I understand the love +for a son, a grandson, a great grandson,--for the individual, in fact, +that is sentenced to perish,--but to profess love for one's species +one needs be insincere, or a fanatical sectarian. I can understand now +how centuries after Empedocles there came Schopenhauer and Hartmann. + +My brain feels as sore as the back of the laborer who carries burdens +beyond his strength. But the laborer stooping to his work earns his +daily bread and is at peace. + +I still seem to hear Sniatynski's words: "Do not philosophize +her away, as you have philosophized away your abilities and your +thirty-five years of life." I know it leads to nothing, I know it is +wrong, but I do not know how not to think. + + +13 March. + +My father died this morning. He was ill only a few hours. + + +PELI, VILLA LAURA, 22 March. + +Death is such a gulf, and though we know that all have to go thither, +yet when it swallows up one of our dear ones, we who remain on the +brink are torn with fear, sorrow, and despair. On that brink all +reasoning leaves us, and we only cry out for help which cannot come +from anywhere. The only solace and comfort lies in faith, but he who +is deprived of that light gets well-nigh maddened by the impenetrable +darkness. Ten times a day it seems to me impossible, too horrible, +that death should be the end of everything,--and then again, a dozen +times I feel that such is the case. + + +23 March. + +When I arrived from Ploszow I found my father so much better that it +never even entered my mind that the end could be so near. What strange +twists there are in the human mind. God knows how sincerely I rejoiced +when I found my father so much better than I had thought, and yet +because throughout that anxious journey I had fancied him sick unto +death, and already saw myself kneeling at his coffin, I was sorry +for my wasted anxieties. Now the memory of this fills me with keen +remorse. + +How thoroughly unhappy is the individual whose heart and soul have +lost their simplicity. Thus not less bitter, not less of a reproach is +the remembrance that at my father's deathbed there were two persons in +me: one of them the son full of anguish, who gnawed his hands to keep +back his sobs; the other the philosopher, who studied the psychology +of death. I am unutterably unhappy because my nature is an unhappy +one. + +My father died with full consciousness. Saturday evening he felt a +little worse. I sent for the doctor, that he might be at hand in case +we should want him. The doctor prescribed some physic, and my father, +according to his habit, disputed the point, demonstrating that the +physic would bring on a stroke. The doctor calmed my fears, and said +though there was always fear of another stroke, he saw no immediate +danger, and that my father most likely would live for many years to +come. He repeated the same to the patient, who, hearing of the many +years to come, incredulously shook his head and said: "We will see." +As he has always been in the habit of contradicting his doctors, and +proving to them that they know nothing, I did not take his words +seriously. Towards ten at night, when taking his tea, he suddenly rose +and called out:-- + +"Leon, come here, quick!" + +A quarter of an hour later he was in his bed, and within an hour he +was dying. + + +24 March. + +I am convinced that people preserve their idiosyncracies and +originality to the last minute of their life. Thus my father, in the +solemn dignity of thoughts at the approaching end, still showed a +gratified vanity that he, and not the doctor, had been right, and that +his unbelief in medicine was well founded. I listened to what he said, +and besides, read his thoughts in his face. He was deeply impressed +with the importance of the moment; there was also curiosity as to the +future life,--not a shadow of doubt as to its existence, but rather a +certain uneasiness about how he would be received, joined to an almost +unconscious, unsophisticated belief that he would not be treated as a +mere nobody in particular. I shall never die like this, because I have +no basis to uphold me in the hour of death. My father parted with his +life in absolute faith and the deep contrition of a true Christian. At +the moment when he received the last sacraments he was so venerable, +so purely saintly, that his image will remain with me always. + +How futile, how miserable, appears to me my scepticism in presence of +that immense power of faith that, stronger even than love, triumphs +over death at the very moment when it extinguishes life. After having +received the last sacraments, a great tenderness took possession of +him. He grasped my hand strongly, almost convulsively, and did not let +it go again, as if through me he wanted to hold fast to life. And yet +it was neither fear nor despair that moved him, he was not in the +least afraid. Presently I saw the eyes riveted upon my face grow dim +and fixed, his forehead became moist, as if covered by a gentle dew; +he opened his mouth several times as if to catch his breath,--sighed +deeply once more,--and died. + +I was not present at the embalming of the body,--I had not the +strength; but after that I did not leave the dear remains for a +minute, out of fear they might treat him as a thing of no consequence. +How truly awful are those last rites of death,--the whole funereal +paraphernalia, the candles, the misericordia, with the covered faces +of the singers. It still clings to my ears, the "Anima ejus," and +"Requiem aeternam." There breathes from it all the gloomy, awful +spirit of Death. We carried the remains to Santa Maria Maggiore, and +there I looked for the last time at the dear, grand face. The Campo +Santo looks already like a green isle. Spring is very early this +year. The trees are in bloom and the white marble monuments bathed in +sunshine. What an awful contrast, the young, nascent life, the budding +trees, the birds in full song,--and a funeral. Crowds of people filled +the cemetery, for my father was known for his benevolence in Rome as +much as my aunt is at Warsaw. All these people so full of life, as +if reflecting the joys of spring, jarred upon my feelings. Crowds, +especially in Italy, consider everything as a spectacle got up +for their special benefit, and even now their faces betrayed more +curiosity to see a grand funeral than any sympathy. Human selfishness +knows no limit, and I am convinced that even people morally and +intellectually educated, when following a funeral, feel a kind of +unconscious satisfaction that this has happened to somebody else, and +it is not they who are to be interred. + +My aunt arrived, as I had summoned her by telegram. She, from the +standpoint of faith, looks upon death as a change essentially for the +better; therefore received the blow with far more calmness than I. +This did not prevent her from, shedding bitter tears at her brother's +coffin. + +Afterwards she spoke to me long and tenderly,--a conversation full +of exceeding goodness, I took much amiss at the time, for which I am +sorry now. She did not mention Aniela's name,--spoke only of my future +loneliness, and insisted upon my coming to Ploszow; where, surrounded +by tender hearts, especially the one old heart which loved me beyond +everything on earth, I would feel less sad. I saw in all this only +her desire to continue her matchmaking; and in presence of my recent +bereavement this seemed to me improper, and irritated me very much. I +felt not inclined to think of the life before me, nor of love-speeches +or weddings, with the shadow of death across my path. I refused +peremptorily, even curtly; told my aunt I was going away,--most likely +to Corfu, then would come back to Rome in order to arrange my father's +affairs, and after that would come to Ploszow. + +She did not insist upon having her own way. Feeling deeply for me, she +was even more gentle than usual, and left Rome three days after the +funeral. I did not go to Corfu; instead of that, Mr. and Mrs. Davis +carried me off to their villa at Peli, where I have been now for +several days. Whether Mrs. Davis is sincere or not I do not know, and +will not even enter upon that now; I know only that no sister could +have shown more sympathy and solicitude. With a nature poisoned by +scepticism, I am always prone to suspect and misjudge those around me; +but if it should be proved that I misjudged this woman, I should feel +truly guilty,--because her goodness to me is quite extraordinary. + + +26 March. + +My windows look out upon the vast blueness of the Mediterranean, +encompassed by bands of a darker blue on the far horizon. Close to the +villa, the crisped waves glitter like fiery scales; in the distance, +the sea is glassy and still, as if lulled to sleep in its blue veil. +White lateen sails flash in the sun, and once a day a steamer from +Marseilles for Genoa passes hence, dragging in her wake woolly coils +of smoke that hang over the sea like a dark cloud, until it +gradually dissolves and disappears. The restfulness of the place is +indescribable. Thoughts dissolve like yonder black cloud between the +blue sky and azure sea, and life is a blissful vegetation. + +I felt very tired yesterday, but to-day I inhale with eager lungs the +fresh sea-breezes, that leave a salty taste on my lips. Say what they +like, the Riviera is one of the gems of God's creation. I fancy to +myself how the wind whistles at Ploszow; the sudden changes from mild +spring weather to wintry blasts; the darkness, sleet, and hail, with +intermittent gleams of sunshine. Here the sky is transparent and +serene; the soft breeze which even now caresses my face comes through +the open window together with the scent of heliotropes, roses, and +mignonette. It is the enchanted land, where the orange blossoms, and +also an enchanted palace; because everything that millions can buy, +combined with the exquisite taste of Mrs. Davis, is to be found in +this villa. I am surrounded by masterworks of art,--statues, pictures, +matchless specimens of ceramics, chased works by Benvenuto. Eyes +feast on nature, feast on art, and do not know where to dwell +longest,--unless it be on the splendid pagan, the mistress of all +these splendors, and whose only religion is beauty. + +But is it quite just to call her a pagan? because, I say again, +whether sincere or not, she shares my sorrows and tries to soothe +them. We talk for hours about my father, and I have often seen tears +in her eyes. Since she found out that music acts soothingly upon my +mind, she plays for hours, and often until late at night. Sometimes +I sit in my room in the dark, look absently at the sea riddled by a +silver network, and listen to the sounds of her music mingling with +the splashing of the waves. I listen until I feel half distracted, +half sleepy,--until in sleep I forget the real life, with all its +sorrows. + + +29 March. + +I do not even feel inclined to write every day. We are reading +together the Divina Commedia,--or rather, its last part. There was +a time when I felt more attracted by the awful plasticity of the +Inferno. Now I like to plunge into the luminous mist, peopled with +still more luminous spirits, of the Dantesque heaven. At times it +seems as if amid all that radiance I see the dear, familiar features, +and my sorrow becomes almost sweet to me. I never before understood +the exceeding beauty of heaven. Never has human mind taken such a +lofty flight, encompassed such greatness, or borrowed such a slice +from infinity as in this sublime, immortal poem. The day before +yesterday and the two days following, we read it together in the boat. +We usually go out a long distance, and when the sea is quite still I +furl the sail; and we read, rocked by the waves,--or rather, she reads +and I listen. Surrounded by the glories of the sunset, far from the +shore, with the most beautiful woman reading to me Dante, I was under +a delusion, that I had been transferred to another world. + + +30 March. + +At times the sorrow that seemed to be lulled to sleep wakes up with +renewed force. I feel then as if I wanted to fly hence. + + +VILLA LAURA, 31 March. + +To-day I thought a great deal about Aniela. I have a strange feeling, +as if lands and seas divided us. It seems to me as if Ploszow were a +Hyperborean island somewhere at the confines of the world. We have +delusions of that kind when personal impression takes the place of +tangible reality. It is not Aniela who is far from me, it is I who go +farther and farther away from the Leon whose heart and thoughts were +once so full of her. This does not mean that my feelings for her have +vanished. By close analysis I find they have only changed in their +active character. Some weeks ago, I loved her and wanted something; I +love her still, but want nothing. My father's death has scattered the +concentration of the feelings. It would be the same, for instance, had +I begun some literary work, and some unfortunate accident interrupted +the even flow of my thoughts. But that is not all. Not long ago, all +the faculties of my mind were strung to their highest pitch; now, +under the influence of a heavy sorrow, a soft atmosphere, and the +gently rocking sea, they have relaxed. I live, as I said before, the +life of a plant; I rest as one rests after a long fatigue, and as if +immersed in a warm bath. Never did I feel less inclined to any kind of +exertion; the very thought of it gives me pain. If I had to choose a +watchword, it would be, "Do not wake me." What will happen when I wake +up, I do not know. I am sad now, but not unhappy; therefore I do not +want to wake up, and do not consider it my duty. It is even difficult +to me to recall the image of the Ploszowski who fancied himself bound +to Aniela. Bound,--why? by what reason? What has happened between us? + +A slight, almost imperceptible kiss on the forehead,--a caress which, +among near relations, can be put down to brotherly affection. These +are ridiculous scruples. I have broken ties far different from these +without the slightest twinge of conscience. Were she not a relation, +it would be a different matter. It is true, she understood it in a +different way, and so did I at the time,--but let it pass. One prick +of conscience more or less, what does it matter? We do worse things +continually, to which the disappointment I caused Aniela is mere +childishness. Conscience that can occupy itself with such peccadilloes +must have nothing else to do. There is about the same proportion of +such kinds of crime to real ones as our conversations on the terrace +to real life. + +Upon the whole, I do foresee what will happen; but I want to be left +in peace at present and not think of anything. "Do not wake me." +To-day it was determined that we ought to leave Peli as soon as the +hot weather sets in,--perhaps in the middle of April,--and go to +Switzerland. Even that terrifies me. I fancy Mrs. Davis will have to +place her husband under restraint; he shows symptoms of insanity. He +says not a word for whole days, but sits staring either at the floor +or at his finger-nails; he is afraid they will come off. These are +with him the consequences of a wild life and narcotics. + +I leave off writing as it is our time for sailing. + + +2 April. + +Yesterday there was a thunderstorm. A strong southern wind drove the +clouds along as a herd of wild horses. It pulled and tore, chased +and scattered them, then got them under and threw them with a mighty +effort upon the sea, which darkened instantly as man in wrath, and +began in its turn to send its foam aloft,--a veritable battle of two +furies, which, battering each other, produce thunder and lightning +flashes. But all this lasted only a short time. We did not go out to +sea, as the waves were too rough. Instead of it we looked at the storm +from the glazed balcony, and sometimes looked at each other. It is no +use deluding myself any longer; there is something going on between +us,--a subtle change in our relations to each other. Neither of us has +said a word or overstepped the boundary line of friendship; neither +has confessed to anything, and yet speaking to each other we feel that +our words serve only to disguise our thoughts. It is the same when we +are in the boat, reading together, or when I listen to her music. +All our acts seem mere shadows,--an outward form that hides the real +essence of things, with its face still veiled, but following us +wherever we go. Neither of us has given it a name; but we both feel +its presence. Manifestations like these take place probably every time +man and woman begin to influence each other. I could not tell +exactly when it began; but I confess it did not come upon me quite +unexpectedly. + +I accepted their hospitality because Mrs. Davis was my father's +friend; and it was she who, after his death, showed me more sympathy +than any one else in Rome. I have so much consciousness of self, am so +able to divide myself, that soon after my arrival here, in spite of +my heavy sorrow I had the presentiment that our mutual relation would +undergo a change. I hated myself that so soon after my father's death +I should harbor thoughts like these; but they were there. I find now +that my presentiments were right. If I said that the changed relation +has still its face veiled, I meant to say that I do not know exactly +when the veil will be torn asunder, and I am under the spell of +expectation. I should be unsophisticated indeed, if I supposed she +were less conscious of all this than I. She is probably more so. +Most likely she is guiding all these changes; and everything that is +happening happens according to her wishes and cool reflection. Diana +the Huntress is spreading her net for the game! But what does it +matter to me? what is there for me to lose? As nearly every man, I am +that kind of game which allows itself to be hunted for the purpose of +turning at a given moment against the hunter. In such circumstances +we all have energy enough. In a hand-to-hand fight, like this, the +victory rests always with us. I know perfectly well that Mrs. Davis +does not love me, any more than I love her. We simply react upon each +other through our pagan nature, our sensuous and artistic instincts. + +With her it is also a question of vanity,--the worse for her, as it +may lead her whither love leads. I shall not go too far. In my feeling +for her there is neither affection nor tenderness,--nothing but +rapture at the sight of nature's masterwork, and the attraction +natural in a man when that masterwork is a woman. My father said that +the height of victory would be to change an angel into a woman; I +maintain that it is no less a triumph to feel around one's neck the +arms, palpitating with life, of a Florentine Venus. + +As far as beauty goes she is the highest expression of whatever the +most exalted imagination is able to conceive. She is a Phryne. It +would turn most men's heads to see her in a tight-fitting riding-habit +that shows the outline of her figure as beautiful as that of a statue. +In the boat, reading Dante, she looked like a Sybil, and one could +understand a Nero's sacrilegious passion. Hers is an almost baleful +beauty. Only the joining eyebrows make her appear a woman of our +times, and this makes her all the more irritating. She has a certain +habit of pushing back her hair by putting both hands at the back of +her head; then her shoulders are raised; the whole shape acquires a +certain curve, and the breast stands firmly out,--and one feels a +desire to carry her off in one's arms from everybody's eyes. + +In each of us there is a hidden Satyr. As to myself, as I said +already, I am highly impressionable; therefore, when I think of it, +that there is something going on between me and this live statue of +a Juno, that some mysterious power pushes us towards each other,--my +head is in a whirl, and I ask myself what would I wish for more +perfect than this. + + +3 April. + +As much as ever woman can show kindness and sympathy to a friend +in trouble, she has shown to me. And yet, strange to say, all this +kindness has upon me the effect of moonlight,--radiance without +warmth; she possesses perfection of form, but there is no soul; with +her all is premeditation, but not nature. There speaks again the +sceptic; but I shall never be so intoxicated as to lose my capacity +of observation. If this divinity were kind, she would be kind to +everybody. Thus, for instance, the way she treats her husband is +enough to destroy any illusion as to her heart. The unfortunate Davis +is such a bloodless creature that he feels chilly in the hottest +sunshine, and oh! so chilly at her side. I never noticed in her the +slightest sign of compassion for his misery. He simply does not exist, +for her. This millionnaire, in the midst of all his wealth, is so poor +that it would rouse any one's pity. He is apparently indifferent +to everything; and yet the human being, with ever so little +consciousness, feels kindness. The best proof of it is that Davis +feels grateful to me because I speak to him now and then about his +health. + +Perhaps it is the instinctive attraction of the weaker towards the +stronger organism. When I look at that face as white as chalk, no +bigger than my fist, those feet like walking-sticks, and that shrunken +figure, wrapped up in a plaid during the hottest of weathers, I am +truly sorry for him. But I will not make myself out better than I am. +I may pity the man; but compassion will not stand in my way. It has +often struck me that, when woman is in question, man becomes pitiless; +it is still a remnant of the animal instinct that fights to the +uttermost for the female. In such a fight between human beings, +whatever shape it takes, the weaker goes to the wall. Even honor is no +curb; it is only religion that condemns it absolutely. + + +12 April. + +I have not written for nearly ten days. The veil was rent a week ago. +I always suspected the sea would help us to an understanding. Women +like Laura never forget the fitting background. If they do charitable +deeds because it enhances their beauty, the more they want beauty when +they fall. Joined to this is their passion for anything out of the +common, which does not spring from the poetical faculties of their +mind, but from a desire to adorn themselves. I have not so lost my +head as not to be able to judge Laura, though really I do not know +whether she has not the right to be what she is, and to think the sun +and stars are made on purpose for her adornment. Absolute beauty, +in the nature of things, must be essentially egotistic, and subject +everything to its rule. Laura is the very incarnation of beauty, and +nobody has the right to ask anything else from her than to be always +and everywhere beautiful; at least, I do not ask for more. + +Thanks to my skill in seamanship, we can be alone on our excursions. +A week ago, on a sultry day, Laura expressed a wish to go out in the +boat. Like a Hecate, she exults in heat. A gentle breeze drove us a +long distance from the shore, and then the wind fell. The lateen sail +hung motionless from the mast. The rays of the sun, reflected from the +glassy surface of the water, increased the heat, although it was late +in the afternoon. Laura threw herself on the Indian matting, and +resting her head against the cushions, remained motionless, all in +a red glow, from the sun filtering through the awning. A strange +laziness had taken possession of me, and at the same time the sight +of this woman with her Greek form that showed through the clinging +drapery sent a thrill of admiration through my veins. Her eyes were +veiled, the lips slightly parted; her whole presence expressed +powerlessness, and seemed to say, "I am weak." + +We came back late to the villa, and the return will remain for a long +time in my memory. After a sunset in which sky and earth seemed to be +wedded in a splendor without limit and without division, there came a +night of such beauty as I had never seen on the Riviera. From the vast +deep rose the immense red orb of the moon, which filled the air with a +mellow light, and at the same time made a broad, luminous path on the +sea, on which we glided towards the shore. There was a gentle swell on +the water, like a heaving sigh. From the little harbor the voices +of the Ligurian fishermen, singing a chorus, came up to us. A light +breeze from the shore wafted towards us the scent of orange-blossoms. +Although not prone to let myself be carried away by my sensations, I +was under the spell of this unutterable sweetness that floated over +land and sea, and clung like dew to soul and body. + +From time to time my eyes rested upon the Helen-like woman whose white +draperies glistened in the moonlight, and I fancied myself living in +ancient Greece, and that we were floating somewhere, maybe towards the +sacred olive groves where the Eleusinian mysteries were enacted. Our +rapture did not seem any more a rapture of the senses, but a cult, a +mystic alliance with that night, that spring, and all nature. + + +15 April. + +The time fixed for our departure has arrived, but we do not depart. My +Hecate does not fear the sun, Mr. Davis likes it, and as far as I am +concerned, whether here or in Switzerland is a matter of indifference. + +A strange thought has taken hold of me; I almost shrink from it, but +nevertheless will confess: It seems to me that a Christian soul, +though the spring of faith be dried up therein, cannot live altogether +on the mere beauty of form. This means more sorrow in store for me; +if the thought proves true the whole basis of my life falls to the +ground. We are beings of a different culture. Our souls are full of +Gothic arches, pinnacles, twisted traceries we cannot shake off, and +of which Greek minds knew nothing. Our minds shoot upward; theirs, +full of repose and simplicity, rested nearer the earth. Those of us in +whom the spirit of Hellas beats more powerfully consider the beautiful +a necessity of life, and search after it eagerly, but instinctively +demand that Aspasia should have the eyes of Dante's Beatrice. A +similar longing is planted within me. When I think of it, that a +beautiful human animal like Laura belongs to me and will belong as +long as I wish it, a twofold joy gets hold of me,--the joy of the man +and the delight of the artist; and yet there is a want and something +missing. On the altar of my Greek temple there is a marble goddess; +but my Gothic shrine is empty. I admit that in her I have found +something bordering upon the perfect, and I defend myself from a +suspicion that this perfection throws a big shadow. I thought once +that Goethe's words, "You shall be like unto gods and beasts," +embraced all life and were the highest expression of his wisdom; now, +when I follow the commandment, I feel that he omitted the angel. + + +17 April. + +Mr. Davis came into the room when I was sitting at Laura's feet, my +head leaning against her knees. His bloodless face and dim eyes +showed no feeling beyond indifferent sullenness. In his soft slippers +embroidered with Indian suns, he shuffled across the room, and +into the library. Laura looked magnificent, her eyes flashing with +unrestrained wrath. I rose and awaited what would happen. A thought +crossed my mind that Mr. Davis might come back, a revolver in his +hand. In such a case I should have pitched him through the window, +revolver, plaid, and Indian slippers. But he did not come back; I +waited a long time in vain. I do not know what he was doing there; +whether he was thinking over his misery, weeping, or perfectly +indifferent. We all three met again at lunch, and he was sitting there +as if nothing unusual had happened. Perhaps it was my fancy that +made me think that Laura looked menacingly at him, and also that his +apathetic expression was even more mournful than usual. I confess that +such a tame ending of the business is the most painful to me. I am not +one to provoke a quarrel, but ready to answer for my deeds; finally, I +would rather the man were not so defenceless, such a small, miserable +creature. I have a nasty feeling, as if I had knocked down a cripple, +and never yet felt so disgusted with myself. + +We went out in the boat as usual. I did not want Laura to think I was +afraid of Davis; but there we had our first quarrel. I confessed to +her my scruples and she laughed at them. I said to her plainly,-- + +"The laughter does not become you; and remember, you may do most +things, but not what is not becoming." + +There was a deep frown on the meeting eyebrows, and she replied +bitterly,-- + +"After what has passed between us, you may insult me even with more +impunity than you could Davis." + +After such a reproach there remained nothing else but to ask her +forgiveness; and presently, harmony being restored, Laura began +to talk about herself. I had another instance of her cleverness. +Generally the women I have known intimately showed a desire to tell me +their life. I do not blame them for it; it shows that they feel the +need to justify themselves in their own eyes and ours. We men do +not. Yet I never met a woman either so clever as not to overstep the +artistic proportions in her confession, or so sincere as not to tell +lies in order to justify herself. I call to witness all men who when +the occasion occurs may verify how wonderfully similar all these cases +of going astray are, and consequently how tedious. Laura, too, began +to talk about herself with a certain eager satisfaction, but only in +this respect did she follow the beaten track of other fallen angels. +In what she told me there was a certain posing for originality, but +she was certainly not posing as a victim. Knowing she had to deal with +a sceptic, she did not want to call forth a smile of incredulity. Her +sincerity was skirting upon the bold, almost the cynical, one +might say, were it not that to her it is a system of life in which +aestheticism has taken the place of ethics. She prefers simply a life +in the shape of an Apollo to that of humpbacked Pulcinello; that is +her philosophy. She had married Davis not so much for his wealth +as for the purpose of making her life as beautiful as lay in human +power,--beautiful not in the common meaning of the word, but in the +highest artistic sense. Besides she did not consider she had any +duties toward her husband, as she had never even pretended to love +him; she had for him as much pity as repugnance, and as he was +indifferent to everything, he was of no more account than if he were +dead. She added that she did not take account of anything that was +contrary to her ideas of a purely beautiful and artistic life. Regard +for society she had very little, and who thought otherwise of her +would be utterly wrong. She had felt friendship for my father, not +because of his social position, but because she had looked upon him +as a masterwork of nature. As to myself, she had loved me for a long +time. She understood perfectly that I would have prized her more had +the victory been less easy, but she did not care to bargain when her +happiness was at stake. + +This kind of principles, announced by that perfect mouth in a soft +voice full of metallic vibrations, gave me a strange sensation. While +speaking to me she drew her draperies close to her as if to make room +for me at her side. At times her eyes followed the motions of the +sea-gulls circling above our heads, then again they rested keenly upon +my face as if she wanted to read the impression her words had made +upon me. I listened to her words with a certain satisfaction, as they +proved to me that I had judged her pretty correctly. Yet there was +something in them quite new to me. I had always rendered her justice +as to her cleverness, but I thought her acts were the instinctive +outcome of her nature. I had never supposed her capable of inventing +a whole system in order to support and justify the impulses of her +nature. This showed her in a somewhat nobler light, as it proved that +where I had suspected her of more or less mean calculation, she only +acted according to her own principles,--maybe bad, even terrible, but +always principles. For instance, I had suspected her of wanting to +marry me after Davis's death,--she proved me utterly in the wrong. She +herself began to talk about it. She confessed that if I were to ask +her for her hand she might not be able to refuse me, as she loved me +more than I believed (here as I am a living man I saw a warm blush +mounting to her neck and brow), but she knew this would never happen; +sooner or later I would leave her with a light heart,--but what of +that? If she dipped her hand into the water and felt the refreshing +coolness, should she refuse herself this delight because the sun would +suck the cool moisture? + +Saying this she bent over the gunwale, which showed her figure in +all its immaculate perfection, and after plunging her hands into the +water, she stretched them out to me moist and pink and gleaming in +the sunshine. I took hold of the hands, and she, as if echoing my +sensations, said in a caressing voice, "Come." + + +20 April. + +I did not see Laura the whole of yesterday, as she was not well. +She had caught a chill sitting out late on the balcony, and it had +affected her teeth. What a nuisance! Fortunately the day before +yesterday a doctor arrived who is to remain in attendance upon Mr. +Davis; otherwise I should not have a soul to speak to. He is a young +Italian, small of stature, very dark, with an enormous head and very +sharp eyes. He seems very intelligent. It is evident that from the +very first he has grasped the situation, and found it very natural, +for without hesitation he addressed me as the master of the house. I +could not help laughing when he came this morning and asked me whether +he could see the countess so that he might prescribe for her. They +have some very quaint notions in this country. Usually, when a married +woman is suspected to belong to somebody else, the world is in arms to +hunt and run her down, often with thoughtless cruelty. Here, on the +contrary, they worship at the altar of love, and one and all take +sides with and plot for the lover. I told the doctor I would see +whether the countess would see him. I penetrated into Laura's sanctum. +She received me unwillingly, because her face is a little swollen, and +she did not wish me to see her in that state. And in truth her face +reminded me of my old drawing lessons. I noticed even then that with +a modern face one may commit inaccuracies, change this or that, and +provided the expression, the idea of the face remain intact, the +likeness will not suffer. It is quite a different thing drawing from +the antique; the slightest inaccuracy, the least deviation, destroys +the harmony of the face and makes it different altogether. I had an +example in Laura. The swelling was very slight,--I scarcely noticed it +as she obstinately turned the sound part of her face to me; but as her +eyes were a little reddened, the eyelids heavier than usual, it was +not the same face, perfect in its harmony and beauty. Of course I did +not let her see this, but she received my greeting half-disturbed, +as if troubled with a bad conscience. Evidently according to her +principles toothache is a mortal sin. + +Queer principles these, anyway! I too have the soul of an ancient +Greek, but beyond the Pagan there is something else in me. Laura will +be sometime very unhappy with her philosophy. I can understand that +one may make a religion of beauty in a general sense, but to make +a religion of one's own beauty is to prepare great unhappiness for +ourselves. What kind of religion is that which a simple toothache +undermines, and a pimple on the nose shatters into ruin? + + +25 April. + +We shall have to leave for Switzerland, for the heat is almost +unbearable. Besides the heat, there is the Sirocco, that comes now and +then like a hot breath from Africa. The sea-breezes somewhat mitigate +the fierceness of this visitor from the desert, but it is none the +less very disagreeable. + +The Sirocco acts injuriously on Mr. Davis. The doctor watches him +closely lest he should take opium, and consequently become either very +irritable or else quite stupefied. I notice that in his greatest +fits of anger he is afraid of Laura and myself. Who knows whether a +homicidal mania is not already germinating in the half-insane brain? +or maybe he is afraid we are going to kill him. Generally speaking, +my relation with him is one of the darkest sides of the part I am +enacting. I say one of the darkest, because I am fully aware that +there is more than one. I should not be my own self if I did not +perceive that my soul not only is stagnating, but is getting swiftly +corrupted in the arms of that woman. I cannot even express what +loathing, what bitterness and pangs of conscience, it caused me at +first that I should have plunged myself into the depth of sensuous +raptures so soon after the death of my father. It was not only my +conscience, but also the delicacy of feelings which I undoubtedly +possess, that revolted against it. I felt this so deeply that I could +not write about it. I have grown more callous since. I still reproach +myself from time to time, and seriously reflect, but the feeling has +lost its poignancy. + +As to Aniela, I try to forget her, because the memory is troublesome, +or rather I cannot arrive at a clear understanding as to the whole +Ploszow episode. At times I feel inclined to think that I was not +worthy of her; at others, that I made an ass of myself over a girl +like dozens of others. This irritates my vanity, and makes me feel +angry with Aniela. One moment I feel an unsavory consciousness of +guilt in regard to her, in another the offence appears to me futile +and childish. Taken altogether, I do not approve of the part I played +at Ploszow, nor do I approve of the part I am playing here. The +division between right and wrong is becoming more and more indistinct +within me, and what is more I do not care to make it clearer. This is +the result of a certain apathy of mind, which again acts as a sleeping +draught; for when the inward struggle tires me out I say to myself: +"Suppose you are worse than you were--what of that? Why should you +trouble about anything?" + +Then I see another change in myself. Gradually I have got used to what +at first chafed my honor,--the insulting of the crippled man. I notice +that I permit myself hundreds of things I would not do if Davis, +instead of being physically and mentally afflicted, were an +able-bodied man capable of defending his own honor. We do not even +take the trouble of going out to sea. I never even imagined that my +sensitiveness could become so blunted. It is very easy to say to +myself: "What does the wretched Eastern matter to you?" But verily I +cannot get rid of the thought that my black-haired Juno is no Juno at +all,--that her name is Circe, and her touch changes men (as one might +say in correct mythological language) into nurslings of Eumaeus. + +And when I ask myself as to the cause, the answer shatters many of my +former opinions. It is this: our love is a love of the senses, but +not of the soul. The thought again comes back that we, the outcome of +modern culture, cannot be satisfied with it. Laura and I were like +unto gods and beasts with humanity left out. In a proper sense our +feelings cannot be called love; we are desirable to each other, but +not dear. If we both were different from what we are, we might be a +hundred times more unhappy, but I should not have the consciousness +that I am drawing near the shelter of Eumaeus. I understand that love +merely spiritual remains a shadow, but love without spiritualism +becomes utter degradation. It is another matter that some people +touched by Circe's wand may find contentment in their degradation. It +seems a sad thing and very strange that I, a man of the Hellenic type, +should write thus. Scepticism even here steps in, and in regard to +Hellenism I begin to have my doubts whether life be possible with +those worn-out forms; and as I am always sincere, I write what I +think. + + +30 April. + +Yesterday I received a letter from my aunt. It was sent after me from +Rome and dated two weeks back. I cannot understand why they kept it so +long at Casa Osoria. My aunt was sure I had gone to Corfu, but thought +I might have returned by this, and writes thus:-- + +"We have been expecting to hear from you for some time, and are +looking out with great longing for a letter. I, an old woman, am too +deeply rooted in the soil to be easily shaken, but it tells upon +Aniela. She evidently expected to hear from you, and when no letter +came either from Vienna or Rome, I saw she felt uneasy. Then came your +father's death. I said then, in her presence, that you could not think +now of anything but your loss; by and by you would shake off your +trouble and return to your old life. I saw at once that my words +comforted her. But afterwards, when week passed after week and you did +not send us a single line, she grew very troubled, mostly about your +health, but I fancy because she thought you had forgotten her. I, too, +began to feel uneasy, and wrote 'poste restante' to Corfu, as we had +agreed. Not getting any reply, I am sending another letter to your +house at Rome, because the thought that you may be ill makes us all +very unhappy. Write, if only a few lines; and, Leon, dear, pull +yourself together, shake off that apathy, and be yourself again. +I will be quite open with you. In addition to Aniela's troubles, +somebody has told her mother that you are known everywhere for your +love affairs. Fancy my indignation! Celina was so put out that she +repeated it to her daughter, and now the one has continual headaches, +and the other, poor child, looks so pale and listless that it makes +my heart bleed. And she is such a dear girl, and as good as gold. She +tries to look cheerful so as not to grieve her mother; but I am not so +easily deceived, and feel deeply for her. My dearest boy, I did not +say much to you at Rome, because I respected your affliction; but a +sorrow like that is sent by God, and we have to submit to His will and +not allow it to spoil our life. Could you not write a few words to +give us some comfort,--if not to me, at least to the poor child? I +never disguised it from you that my greatest wish was to see you two +happily married if it were in a year or two, as Aniela is a woman in a +thousand. But if you think otherwise it would be better to let me know +it in some way. You know I never exaggerate things, but I am really +afraid for Aniela's health. And then there is her future to be thought +of. Kromitzki calls very frequently upon the ladies, evidently with +some intentions. I wanted to dismiss him without ceremony, especially +as I have my suspicions that it was he who spread those tales about +you; but Celina solemnly entreated me not to do this. She is quite +distracted, and does not believe in your affection for Aniela. What +could I do? Suppose her motherly instinct is right, after all? Write +at once, my dear Leon, and accept the love and blessing of the old +woman who has only you now in the world. Aniela wanted to write to you +a letter of condolence after your father's death, but Celina did not +let her, and we had a quarrel over this. Celina is the best of women, +but very provoking at times. Kind greetings and love from us all. +Young Chwastowski is establishing a brewery on the estate. He had some +money of his own, and the rest I lent him." + +At first I thought the letter had not made any impression upon me; but +presently, when walking up and down the room, I found that I had been +mistaken. The impression increased every minute, and became very +strong indeed. After an hour I said to myself with amazement: "The +deuce is in it! I cannot think of anything else but that." Strange how +quick my thoughts travel, chasing each other like clouds driven by the +wind. What a creature of nerves I am! First, a great tenderness for +Aniela woke up within me. All that I had felt for her not long ago, +and that had lain dormant in odd nooks of my soul, stirred into life. +To go at once, soothe her, make her happy, was the first impulse of my +heart,--not clearly defined, perhaps, but very strong all the same. +When I imagined to myself the tearful eyes, her hands resting within +mine, the old feeling for her woke up with renewed strength. Then the +idea crossed my mind to compare her to Laura,--with a fatal result for +Laura. I felt sick of the life I was leading; felt the want of a purer +atmosphere than I was breathing here,--of restfulness, gentleness, and +above all, rectitude of feeling. At the same time a great joy filled +my heart, that nothing was lost yet, everything could be made right; +it depended only upon my will. Suddenly I bethought myself of +Kromitzki, and of Aniela's mother, who, not trusting me, is evidently +on his side. A dull anger rose within me, which, gradually increasing, +smothered all other feelings. The more my reason acknowledged that +Pani Celina was right in mistrusting me, the more I felt offended that +she should harbor that mistrust. I worked myself up into a terrible +rage against everybody, including myself. What I thought and felt can +be expressed in a few words: "Very well, let it be as they wish!" + +The letter came yesterday; to-day, analyzing myself more quietly, I +find to my own astonishment that the offence not only rankles in my +mind, but also has taken firmer root. I say to myself all that a +soberly thinking man can say in mitigation thereof, and yet I cannot +forgive either Aniela or her mother the Kromitzki business. Aniela +could have put a stop to it with one word, and if she has not done it, +she is sacrificing me to her mother's headaches. Besides, Kromitzki +lowers Aniela in my eyes, stains her, and brings her down to the level +of marriageable girls. I cannot even speak of it quietly. + +Maybe my reasoning and feeling are those of an exasperated man; maybe +that love of self is too predominant in me. I know that I am able to +look at and judge myself as a stranger would; but this dualism does +not help me in the least. I am more and more embittered. To write +about it irritates my nerves,--therefore, enough! + + +1 May. + +During the night I thought, "Perhaps to-morrow I shall be more +composed." Nothing of the kind. I am simply in a rage with Aniela, +Aniela's mother, my aunt, and myself. The wind ought to be tempered +for the shorn lamb, and they forget that my wool is deucedly thin. +After all, I am comfortable where I am. Laura is like a marble statue. +Near her nothing troubles me very much, because there is nothing +except beauty. I am tired of over-strained, tender souls. Let +Kromitski comfort her. + + +2 May. + +I carried the letter to the post-office myself. It was not a long one: +"I wish Pan Kromitzki every happiness with Panna Aniela, and Panna +Aniela with Pan Kroinitzki. You wished for a decision, dear aunt, and +I comply with your wish." + + +3 May. + +I was thinking whether my aunt's allusion to Kromitzki was but a piece +of female diplomacy in order to bring me to book. If so, she is to be +congratulated upon her skill and knowledge of human nature. + + +10 May. + +A week has passed. I have not written because I feel half suffocated, +torn by doubts, sorrow, and anxiety. Aniela has never been, and is not +indifferent to me. The words of Hamlet recur to me:-- + + "I loved Ophelia; forty thousand brothers + Could not, with all their quantity of love, + Make up my sum." + +I should only have to change the outcry:-- + +"I loved Aniela; forty thousand Lauras could not make up my sum." + +And needs must be that with my own hands I wrought the evil. There is +a glimmer of comfort in the thought that to be united to a man like me +might be a worse fate for her,--but it is not so. If she were mine I +would be true to her. Then again it rankles in my mind that perhaps +a Kromitzki is sufficient to her happiness. When I think of this +everything seethes within me, and I feel ready to send off another +such letter. + +It is done with! that is the only comfort for people like me, for then +they can fold their hands and idle away their time as before. Perhaps +it is a sign of exceptional weakness, but I find some comfort in it. +Now I can think in peace. + +I put to myself the question, "How is it that a man who not only +boasts of a thorough knowledge of self, but also possesses it, has for +some time almost blindly followed his instinctive impulses?" Of what +use is self-knowledge if at the first commotion of the nerves it hides +in a remote nook of the brain and remains there, a passive witness to +impulsive acts? To investigate things _post factum?_ I do not know of +what use this can be to me, but as I have nothing else to do, let us +investigate. Why did I act as I did? It must be because though I am an +intelligent man, very intelligent even (the deuce take me if I intend +to boast or flatter myself), I lack judgment. And chiefly it is the +calm, masculine judgment that is wanting. I do not control my nerves, +I am hypersensitive, and a crumpled roseleaf would irritate me. +There is something feminine in my composition. Perhaps I am not an +exception, and there are more of that type in my country, which is of +small comfort. This kind of mind may have much understanding, but is a +bad guide through life; it darts restlessly here and there, hesitates, +sifts, and filters every intention, and at last loses itself among +cross-roads. Consequently the capacity for acting gets impaired, and +finally it degenerates into a weakness of character, an innate and not +uncommon fault with us. Then I put to myself another question. Let us +say my aunt had not made any allusion to Kromitzki, would the result +have turned out differently? And truly I dare not say yes. It would +not have come so swiftly,--that is certain; but who knows whether in +the end it would have turned out more satisfactory. Weak characters +want infinite accommodations; only powerful ones are spurred on by +opposition. Laura, who in certain things is as subtle as musk, most +likely understood this and therefore showed herself so--gracious. + +Finally, what is the upshot of it? Am I a milksop? Not in the least. +A man who looks straight at truth would not shrink from confessing +it,--but no. I feel that I could go on an arctic expedition without a +moment's hesitation, be a missionary in darkest Africa. I am possessed +of a certain pluck, inherited courage, which would carry me through +many bold adventures and risky enterprises. My temperament is lively; +perhaps less nimble than Sniatynski, I am yet no laggard. But when +it comes to solving any of life's problems my scepticism renders me +powerless, my intellect loses itself in observations, reasonings, the +will has nothing to rest upon, and my acts depend mainly upon external +circumstances. + + +12 May. + +I never liked Laura, though I was and am still under the spell of +her physical charms. This at first sight looks like a paradox, but +nevertheless is a common enough occurrence. One may love and not like +the person in question. As often as I happened to meet a love full of +thorns and apt to take easily offence, it was only because there was +no real liking at the bottom. Now Sniatynski and his wife are not only +in love, but they like each other immensely, and therefore are happy. +Ah me! I feel I could have liked Aniela, and we might have been as +happy! Better not think about it. As to Laura, she will meet many who +may fall in love with her raven hair and statuesque beauty, but +she will never inspire real liking. This singular woman attracts +irresistibly, and at the same time repulses. I have said that beyond +beauty there is nothing else; for even her uncommon intelligence is +only the humble slave kneeling at the feet of her own beauty. Not more +than a week ago I saw Laura giving money to a child whose father had +been drowned recently, and I thought to myself: "She would put the +child's eyes out in the same way, gracefully and sweetly, if she +thought it would add to her beauty." One feels these things, and one +may lose one's head over a woman like that, but it is impossible to +like her. And she who understands so many things does not understand +this. + +Yet how beautiful she is! A few days ago, when she came down the steps +leading into the garden, swaying lightly on those magnificent hips, +"I thought I should drop," as the poet Slowacki says. Decidedly I +am under the sway of two powers,--the one attracting, the other +repelling. I want to go to Switzerland, and I want to go back to Rome. +I do not know how it will end. Ribot rightly says that a desire to do +a thing is only a consciousness, not an act of volition; still less is +it an act of volition to have a twofold desire. I received a letter +from my lawyer, who wants to see me about the affairs of the +succession; these are mere formalities, and they could arrange things +without me, did I feel disinclined to move. But it will serve as a +pretext. For some time I have liked Laura even less than formerly. It +is for no fault of hers, as she is always the same, but as it happens, +I have transferred to her some of the dislike I have for myself. At +the time of my inward struggles I turned to her not only for peace, +but also for a kind of wilful degradation; now for that very reason I +feel displeased with her. She did not even know of the storm raging +in my breast; besides, what could it matter to her, as it was nothing +which could serve her as an ornament? She only noticed that I was +feverish and more impulsive than usual; she asked a little after +the cause, but without insisting too much. Perhaps after all the +attraction here will win and I shall not depart; in any case, I am +going to tell her that I am obliged to go. I am curious to know how +she will take it, still more curious as I can imagine it very well. I +suspect that with all her love for me, which is very like my love for +her, she does not really like me,--that is, if she ever takes the +trouble to like or to dislike anybody. Our minds have certain points +of resemblance, but thousands of contradictions. + +I am terribly tired. I cannot help thinking of the sensation my letter +has made at Ploszow. I think incessantly of this even when with Laura; +I see before me continually Aniela and my aunt. How happy Laura is in +her everlasting repose! I have such difficulty to bear with my own +self. + +I shall be glad of a change. Peli, though a seaside resort, is very +empty. The heat is quite exceptional. The sea is calm; no waves wash +against the shore; it seems exhausted and breathless from the heat. +At times the wind rises, but it is a suffocating blast, that raises +clouds of white dust which covers the palms, fig-trees, and myrtles, +and penetrates through the blinds into the house. My eyes ache as the +walls reflect a glaring sun, and in the daytime it is impossible to +look at anything. + +To Switzerland or to Rome, but away from here. It seems anywhere it +would be better than here. We all prepare for the journey. I have not +seen Mr. Davis for four or five days. I fancy his insanity will break +out any day. The doctor tells me the poor man challenges him to fight. +He considers this a bad sign. + + +ROME, CASA OSORIA, 18 May. + +It was evidently solitude I wanted. I feel as I felt after my arrival +at Peli, sad, but at the same time peaceful. I feel even more peaceful +here than in my first days at Peli, because there is none of that +uneasiness Laura's presence used to give me. I walk about the still, +gloomy house, and find thousands of details that remind me of my +father, and the memory grows fresh again in my heart. He too had +vanished into the distant haze, and now I meet him again as in his +former, real life. There on the table in his studio are the lenses +through which he looked at his specimens, the bronze implement he +used in scraping the dry soil from the pottery; colors, brushes, +manuscripts, and notes about the collections are lying about. At times +I have a feeling as if he had gone out and would return presently to +his work, and when the illusion disappears a great sorrow seizes me, +and I love not only his memory, but love him who sleeps the eternal +sleep on the Campo Santo. + +And I feel sad; but the feeling is so infinitely purer than those +which had such absolute sway over my mind those last weeks that I feel +more at ease,--a better man, or, at least, not so corrupt as I had +seemed to myself. I notice also that no reasoning, nor the most +desperate argumentation can deprive us of a certain feeling of +satisfaction, when we come in contact with nobler elements. Whence +comes that irresistible, irrepressible tendency towards the good? +Spinning out this thread I go very far. Since our reason is considered +a reflection of the logical principle of all life, may not our +conception of good be a similar reflection from an absolute good. Were +it so, one might throw at once all doubts to the wind, and shout, not +only, "Eureka!" but also, "Alleluia!" Nevertheless, I am afraid lest +the foundation fall to pieces, like many others, and I dare not build +on it. Besides the reasoning is but vague; I shall go back to it +undoubtedly, because this means the extraction of a thorn, not from +the feet, but from the soul. Now I am too tired, too sad and restful +at the same time. + +It seems to me that of all creatures upon earth it is only the human +being that can act sometimes against his volition. I wanted to leave +Peli for some time, and yet day after day passed, and I remained. The +day previous to my departure I was almost certain I should stop, when +unexpectedly Laura herself helped me to a decision. + +I told her about the lawyer's letter and my going away, only to +see how she would receive the news. We were alone. I expected some +exclamation from her part, some emotion, and lastly a "veto." Nothing +of the kind took place. + +Hearing the news, she turned to me, passing her hand gently over my +hair; she brought her face close to mine, and said:-- + +"You will come back, will you not?" + +By Jove! it is still an enigma to me what she meant. Did she suppose I +was really obliged to go? or, trusting to the power of her beauty, had +she no doubt whatever that I would come back? or, finally, did she +grasp at the chance to get rid of me?--because after such a question +there remained nothing for me but to go. The caressing touch and +accompanying question are a little against the last supposition, +which after all seems to me the likeliest. At odd moments I am almost +certain she wanted to say by it:-- + +"It is not you who dismiss me; it is I who dismiss you." + +I confess that, if it was a dismission, Laura's cleverness is simply +amazing; all the more so, as the manner was so sweet and caressing, +and left me in uncertainty whether she was mocking me or not. But why +delude myself? By that simple question she had won the game. Perhaps +at other times my vanity would have suffered; but now it leaves me +indifferent. That same evening, instead of coolness, there was perfect +harmony between us. We separated very late. I see her still, walking +with me, her eyes lowered, as far as my room. She was simply so +beautiful that I felt sorry I was going. The next morning she said +good-by to me at the station. The bunch of tea-roses I lost only in +Genoa. Strange woman! As I went further on my journey, I felt side by +side a physical longing and a great relief. I went on to Rome without +stopping, and now feel as a bird released from his cage. + + +22 May. + +There is scarcely anybody I know in Rome. The heat has driven them to +their villas, or up into the mountains. In the daytime there are +few people in the streets except tourists, mostly Englishmen in +pith-helmets, puggarees, red Baedekers, with their everlasting "Very +interesting!" on their lips. At noon our Babuino is so deserted that +the footstep of a solitary passer-by re-echoes on the pavement. But in +the evening the street swarms with people. At that time I feel usually +very depressed, nervous, and restless. I go out, and walk about until +I am tired; and that gives me relief. I walk mostly on the Pincio, +three or four times along that magnificent terrace. At this time +lovers stroll about. Some couples walk arm in arm, their heads close +together, their eyes uplifted, as if overflowing with happiness; +others sit in the deep shadows of the trees. The flickering light of +the lamp reveals now and then half-concealed under his plumes the +profile of a Bersagliere, sometimes the light dress of a girl, or the +face of a laborer or student. Whispers reach my ear; love-vows and low +snatches of song. All this gives me the impression of a carnival of +spring. I find a singular charm in thus losing myself among the crowd, +and breathe their gayety and health. There is so much happiness and +simplicity! This simplicity seems to penetrate into my whole being, +and acts more soothingly upon my nerves than a sleeping draught. The +evenings are clear and warm, but full of cool breezes. The moon rises +beyond Trinitá dei Monti, and sails above that human beehive like a +great silver bark, illuminating the tops of trees, roofs, and towers. +At the foot of the terrace glimmers and surges the city, and somewhere +in the distance, on a silvery background, appears the dark outline of +St. Peter's, with a shining cupola like a second moon. Never did Rome +seem more beautiful to me, and I discover new charms every day. I +return home late, and go to bed almost happy in the thought that +to-morrow I shall wake up again in Rome. And I do sleep. I do not know +whether it is the exercise I take, but I sleep so heavily that it +leaves a kind of dizziness when I wake up in the morning. + +Part of the morning I spend with the lawyer. Sometimes I work at +compiling a catalogue of the collections for my own use. My father did +not leave any instructions as to his collections; consequently they +are my property. I would hand them over to the city, in fulfilment of +his wishes, if I were quite sure he did wish it. As he did not will +them away, he, moved by my aunt's remonstrances, may have left it to +me to bring them sometime or other over to Poland. That my father +thought of this in later times is proved by the numerous bequests and +codicils in his will. Among others there is one that touched me more +deeply than I can tell: "The head of the Madonna by Sassoferrato I +leave to my future daughter-in-law." + + +25 May. + +The sculptor Lukomski began a month ago a full-length statue of my +father, from a bust done by himself some years ago. I call upon him +often in the middle of the day to watch the progress of the work. The +studio is a barn-like building, with a huge skylight on the north +side; consequently no sun comes in, and the light is cold. When I sit +there I seem to be out of Rome altogether. To heighten the illusion, +there is Lukomski, with his Northern features, light beard, and the +dreamy blue eyes of a mystic. His two assistants are Poles, and the +two dogs in the yard are called Kruk and Kurta,--in short, the place +has the appearance of a northern isle in a southern sea. I like to go +there for the quaintness of the thing, and I like to watch Lukomski +at his work. There is in him at the same time so much power and +simplicity. He is especially interesting when he stands back a short +distance so as to get a better view of his work, and then suddenly +goes back as to an attack. He is a very talented sculptor. The shape +of my father seems to grow under his hand, and assume a wonderful +likeness. It will be not only a portrait, but a work of art. + +If anybody, it is he who is altogether absorbed in the beauty of form. +It seems to me that he works out his thoughts by the help of Greek +noses, heads, arms, and torsos, more than by help of ideas. He has +lived fifteen years at Rome, and still goes to galleries and museums, +as if he had arrived yesterday. This proves that worship of form may +fill a man's life, and become his religion, provided he is its high +priest. Lukomski has as much veneration for beauty in human shape as +devotees for holy shrines. I asked him which he considered the most +beautiful woman in Rome. He answered, without hesitation, "Mrs. +Davis;" and there and then, with his plastic thumbs, with the +expressive motion common to artists, he began to draw her outline in +the air. Lukomski, as a rule, is self-contained and melancholy; but +at this moment he was so animated that his eyes lost their mystic +expression. "Like this, for instance," he said, drawing a new line, +"or like that. She is the most beautiful woman not only in Rome, but +in the whole world." He says that when she lifts her head, the neck +is as the continuation of the face,--the same breadth, which is very +rare; sometime on the Transtevere one might see women with similar +necks; but never in that perfection. Really, who seeks to find a flaw +in Laura's beauty, must seek in vain. Lukomski goes so far as to +maintain that statues ought to be raised to women like her in their +lifetime. Of course, I did not contradict him. + + +29 May. + +The Italian law procedure begins to bore me. How slow they are, in +spite of their vivacity! and how they talk! I am literally talked to +shreds. I sent for some of the newest French novels, and read for +whole days. The writers make upon me the impression of clever +draughts-men. How quickly and skilfully each character is outlined! +and what character and power in those sketches! The technical part can +go no farther. As to the characters thus drawn, I can only say what I +said before,--their love is only skin deep. This may be the case now +and then; but that in the whole of France nobody should be capable of +deeper feelings, let them tell this to somebody else. I know France +too well, and say that she is better than her literature. That running +after glaring, realistic truth makes the novel untrue to life. It is +the individual we love; and the individual is composed not only +of face, voice, shape, and expression, but also of intelligence, +character, a way of thinking,--in brief, of various intellectual and +moral elements. My relation to Laura is the best proof that a feeling +founded upon outward admiration does not deserve the name of love. +Besides, Laura is an exceptional case. + + +31 May. + +Yesterday I lunched with Lukomski; in the evening I loitered as usual +on the Pincio. My imagination sometimes plays me strange tricks. I +fancied that Aniela was leaning on my arm. We walked together, +and talked like people who are very fond of each other. I felt so +happy,--so different from what I had felt near Laura! When the +illusion vanished I felt very lonely; I did not want to go home. That +night I could not sleep at all. + +How utterly unprofitable my life is! These continual searchings of +my mind are leading me into the desert. And it might have been so +different! I am surprised that the memory of Aniela should be still so +fresh and green. Why is it that I never dream of walking arm-in-arm +with Laura? And since I come to mention her name, I add inwardly, +"Perdition upon the memory!" I often think I have been holding +happiness by both wings, and let it escape. + + +2 June. + +I never was so amazed in my life as to-day, in regard to Lukomski. We +went together to the museum on the Capitol. When near the Venus, +he surprised me by saying he preferred the Neapolitan Psyche by +Praxiteles, as being more spiritual. A strange confession from a +sculptor like him; but a greater surprise was in store for me near +"The Dying Gladiator." Lukomski looked at him for nearly half an hour, +then said, through clenched teeth, as he does when deeply moved,--"I +have heard it said a hundred times that he has a Slavonic face, but +really the likeness is wonderful. My brother has a farm,--Koslowka, +near Sierpiec. There was one of the laborers, Michna, who was drowned +driving horses through the water. I tell you it is exactly the same +face. I come here very often for an hour, because I feel a longing to +look at it." + +I could not believe my ears, and was surprised the roof of the Capitol +did not come down on our heads. Sierpiec, Koslowka, Michna, here in +the world of the antique, of classic forms! and from whose lips?--from +those of Lukomski! I saw at once, peeping out from beneath the +sculptor, the man. And that is the artist, I thought,--that the Roman, +the Greek! You come here to look at the Gladiator, not so much for the +sake of the form, as because he reminds you of Michna from Koslowka. +I begin to understand now the taciturnity and melancholy. Lukomski +evidently guessed my thoughts; for, the mystic eyes looking straight +before him, he began in a broken voice to reply to my unuttered words: +"Rome is well enough,--to live in, but not to die in! I am getting on +fairly well,--no right to complain. I remain here because I must; but +the longing for the old place tears me like all the devils. When the +dogs bark at night in the garden, I fancy the sound comes from the +village; and I feel as if I could scratch the walls. I should go mad +if I did not go there once a year. I am going now, shortly, because I +cannot breathe here any longer." + +He put his hand to his throat, and screwed up his mouth as if +to whistle, to hide the trembling of the lips. It was almost an +explosion,--the more astounding, as it was so unexpected. A sudden +emotion seized me at the thought of the vast difference between me and +such men as he and Sniatynski. Even now I think of it with a certain +apprehension. There are vast horizons out of my reach. What an +intensity of feeling there is in those men! They may be happy or +wretched with it; but how immeasurably richer they are than I! +There is no danger of life becoming to them a desert and a barren +wilderness. In each of them there is life enough for ten. I too feel +conscious of ties to my country; but the consciousness is not so +pressing, does not burn with the same steady light, and is not part +of myself. My existence does not depend upon any Koslowka, Michna, or +Ploszow. Where men such as Sniatynski or Lukomski find live springs +from which they draw their motive vigor, I find dry sand. And yet, if +they had not this basis, there remains still, for one his sculpture, +for the other his literature. It seems incredible that a man +possessing so many conditions of happiness should be not only so +little happy, but clearly does not see the reason why he should exist +at all. + +It is doubtless my bringing up which has something to do with +it,--those Metzes, Romes, Paris; I have always been as a tree taken +from its soil and not firmly planted in another. Partly it is my own +fault; because I am putting points of interrogation all along the road +of life, and philosophize where others love only. The consequence is +that philosophy, instead of giving me anything, has eaten my heart +away. + + +8 June. + +I note down the occurrences of a whole week. I received, among other +letters, one from Sniatynski. The honest fellow is so concerned about +the turn my affair with Aniela has taken that he does not even abuse +me. He tells me, though, that his wife is angry past forgiveness, and +does not allow my name to be mentioned in her presence,--considers me +a perfect monster, who finds his only delight in gloating over fresh +victims. For once I am a good Christian, and not only do not bear +malice to the little woman, but feel very friendly towards her. What a +warm, generous heart hers is! Sniatynski evidently thinks the question +finally settled; for he refrains from advice, and only expresses +sorrow. + +"God grant," he writes, "you may find another like her." Strange, when +I come to think of it! It seems to me that I do not want another like +Aniela, or a better one either,--I want her. I say it seems to me; +for it is a feeling without any definite shape. I carry within me +something like an entangled skein; I weary myself, and yet am not able +to reduce it to any kind of order. In spite of all my self-knowledge, +I cannot quite make out what it is that makes me feel sad. Is it +because I find I love her, or is it because I feel I could love her +very much? Sniatynski unconsciously replies to this question in these +words: "I have heard or read that gold nuggets have sometimes a large +admixture of quartz, which must be crushed in order to get at the +gold. I suppose your heart is thus covered with an incrustation, that +only partly melted while you were staying at Ploszow. You did not +remain long enough, and simply had no time to let your love grow +sufficiently strong. You have, maybe, energy enough to act, but not +enough to decide; but you would have found the energy if the feeling +had been powerful enough. You went away, and according to your custom, +began to ponder, to think it over; and it came to pass, as I was +afraid it would, that you philosophized away your own happiness and +that of another." What strikes me most in Sniatynski's words is +that they are almost a repetition of what my father said to me. But +Sniatynski penetrates deeper; for he adds almost immediately: "It is +the old story,--he who inquires too deeply into his own mind ends by +disagreeing with himself; and who disagrees with himself is incapable +of any decision. Truly times must be out of joint, when only asses +have any power of action left, and those who have a little more +intelligence use it to doubt everything, and to persuade themselves +that it is not worth while to attempt anything." I have read similar +observations in one of the French authors; and by Jove! he is right. + +I almost wish Sniatynski had given me a downright scolding, instead of +larding his letter with sentences like this "In spite of all your good +qualities it will come to this, that you will always be a cause of +suffering and anxiety to those who love you." He brings it home with a +vengeance. I have caused suffering to Aniela, her mother, and my-aunt, +and to myself also. I feel inclined to laugh a little as I read +further: "According to the laws of nature, there is always something +growing within us; beware, lest it be a poisonous weed that will +destroy your whole existence!" No,--I am not afraid of that. There +is some mould sown by Laura's fair hands, but it grows only on the +outward crust of which Sniatynski speaks, and has not struck any +roots. There is no need of uprooting anything; it is as easily wiped +off as dust. Sniatynski is more reasonable when he is himself again, +and steps forth with his pet dogma that lies always close to his +heart: "If you consider yourself a superior type, or even if you be +such, let me tell you that the sum total of such superiority, is +socially, a minus quantity." + +I am far from considering myself a superior type, unless it be in +comparison to such as Kromitzki; but Sniatynski is right. Men like me +escape being minus quantities in society only when they are men of +science or great artists,--not artists without portfolios. Often they +take the part of great reformers. As to myself I could only be a +reformer as regards my own person. I went about with that thought all +the day. + +It is surpassing strange that, knowing my own short-comings so well, I +do not make any attempt to mend matters. For instance, after debating +for half a day whether to go out or not, ought I not to take myself by +the collar and thrust myself into the street? I am a sceptic?--very +well! Could I not act for once as if I were not a sceptic? A little +more or less conviction, what does it matter? What ought I to do now? +Pack up my things and go straight to Ploszow. I could do it easily +enough. What the result of such a step would be, I do not know, but at +any rate it would be doing something. Then Sniatynski writes: "That +ape is now every day at Ploszow, keeping watch over the ladies, who, +without that additional trouble, are worn to shadows." + +Perhaps it is too late. Sniatynski does not say when he was last at +Ploszow, perhaps a week ago or maybe two; since then things may have +gone much farther. Yes, but I do not know anything for certain, and +when all is said how can it be worse than it is already? I feel that +anybody with a little more energy in his composition would go at once, +and I should feel more respect for myself if I brought myself to do +it, especially as Sniatynski, who is usually so enterprising, does not +urge me. The very thought brightens me up, and in this brightness I +see a beloved face which at this moment is dearer to me than anything +else in the world, and--per Baccho! I shall most probably do it. + + +9 June. + +"La nuit porte conseil." I will not go at once to Ploszow, it would be +a journey in the dark; but I have written a long letter to my aunt, +quite different from that I wrote at Peli. Within a week, or at the +most ten days, I shall get an answer, and according to it I shall +either go or stay,--in fact, I do not know myself yet what I shall do. +I might count upon a favorable answer if I had written for instance +like this: "Dearest aunt, send Kromitzki about his business; I beg +Aniela to forgive me. I love her, and my dearest wish is to make her +my wife." Unless she were married already,--and things could not have +been managed there so speedily,--such a letter could have but one +result. But I did not write anything of that kind. My missive was +intended to reconnoitre the position, sent in fact as a scout to find +out how affairs were progressing, and partly, to learn what Aniela +was thinking. To say the truth, if I did not express myself more +definitely, it is because experience has taught me to mistrust myself. +Ah! if Aniela, in spite of the wrong inflicted upon her by me, +refused Kromitzki, how gratified I should feel towards her; and how +immeasurably higher she would rise in my esteem if once removed from +the ranks of marriageable girls whose only aim is to get a husband. +What a pity I ever heard about Kromitzki. Once rid of the entanglement +with Laura, I should have flown on wings to Aniela's side. This dear +aunt has managed things with a clumsy hand in writing to me about +Kromitzki and the encouragement he had from Aniela's mother. In these +times of overwrought nerves, it is not only women that are like +sensitive plants. A rough touch, and, the soul shrinks, folds itself +up, maybe forever. I know it is foolish, even wrong, but I cannot help +it. To change myself I should have to order at an anatomist's a new +set of nerves, and keep those I have for special occasions. No one, +not even Pani Sniatynski, can judge me more severely than I judge +myself. But is Kromitzki better than I? Is his low, money-making +neurosis better than mine? Without any boastfulness I may say that I +have more delicacy of feeling, nobler impulses, a better heart, more +tenderness, and--his own mother would be obliged to own it--more +intelligence. It is true I could not make millions to save my life; +but then Kromitzki has not achieved it yet; instead of that, I could +guarantee that my wife would spend her life in a broader and warmer +atmosphere; there would be more sincerity in it and nobler aims. + +It is not the first time I have compared myself to Kromitzki, and it +makes me angry considering what a vast difference there is between us. +We are like inhabitants of different planets, and as to our souls, if +one has to climb up to reach mine, such as Aniela would have to stoop +very low to reach his. But would this be such a difficult task for +her? It is a horrible question; but in regard to women I have seen so +monstrous things, especially in my country where the women generally +speaking are superior to the men, that I am obliged to consider it. +I have seen girls, angels in all but wings, full of noble impulses, +sensitive to everything beautiful and uncommon, not only marry +louts of narrow and mean characters, but adopt after marriage their +husbands' maxims of life, vanities, narrowness, and commonplace +opinions. What is more, some of them did this eagerly, as if former +ideals were only fit to be thrown aside with the bridal wreath. They +seemed to labor under the conviction that only thus they could prove +themselves true wives. It is true that sometimes a reaction follows, +but in a general sense Shakspeare's Titania is a common enough type, +to be met with every day. + +I am a sceptic from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, but +my scepticism springs from pain, for it hurts me to think that such +may be Aniela's fate. Perhaps she too will shrug her shoulders at the +memory of her girlish aspirations, and consider contracts in Turkestan +better adapted to practical life. A dull wrath seizes me at the +thought, all the more as it will be partly my fault, that is, if it +should come to that. + +On the other side these reflections and vacillations are not merely +the result of a want of decision, as Sniatynski seems to think. I have +such a high conception about marriage, such lofty demands, that they +take away my courage. It is true that often husband and wife fit each +other like two warped boards, and yet jog through life contentedly +enough; but this would not be enough for me. For the very reason that +I believe in happiness so little, I should like to attain it; but can +I attain it? It is not so much the unhappy marriages I have met with +that make me so wavering, but the few happy ones I have seen; at the +remembrance of these I ask myself, "Is it possible I could be so +happy?" And yet happiness is not met with in fiction only,--but how to +know where to look for it! + + +11 June. + +In the last few days I have become quite intimate with Lukomski. He +is not so self-contained and melancholy as he used to be. Yesterday, +towards evening, he came to see me; we went out for a walk as far as +the Thermes of Caracalla; then I asked him to come back with me, and +he stopped until midnight. I had a long talk with him, which I note +down, as it made upon me a certain impression. Lukomski seemed a +little ashamed of the exhibition of feeling he had made near "The +Dying Gladiator;" but I led him on and gradually came to know the +man as he really was. As we were growing very friendly I ventured to +remark,-- + +"Excuse the question, but I cannot understand why a man so fond of +domestic life has not taken to himself a companion. Neither your +studio, your assistants, nor your dogs can give you the feeling of a +home you are missing, as a wife would." + +Lukomski smiled, and pointing to the ring on his finger, said,-- + +"I am going to be married shortly. We are only waiting because the +young lady is in mourning for her father; I am to join her in two +months." + +"At Sierpiec?" + +"No, she comes from Wilkomierz." + +"What took you to Wilkomierz?" + +"I have never been there. I met her by accident on the Corso in Rome." + +"That was a fortunate accident, was it not?" + +"The most fortunate in my life." + +"Was it during the Carnival?" + +"No. It happened in this way: I was on my way to the studio when, in +the Via Condotto, I saw two fair-haired women inquiring in very +bad Italian the way to the Capitol. They were saying: 'Capitolio, +Capitole, Capitol,' and nobody seemed to know what they wanted, +because here, as you know, they call it 'Campidolio.' I could not have +been mistaken,--they were Poles, evidently mother and daughter. They +were overjoyed when I addressed them in Polish; I was very glad too, +and so I not only showed them the way but went there with them." + +"You have no idea how this interests me; and so you went together?" + +"Yes, we went together. On the way I looked at the younger lady; a +figure like a young poplar, graceful, pretty, a small head, ears a +perfect model, the face full of expression, and eyelashes pure gold, +such as, you find only at home; there is nothing of that kind here, +unless now and then at Venice. She pleased me very much too because of +that thoughtfulness for her mother, who was in grief, having lost her +husband; I thought she must have a good heart. For about a week I went +with them everywhere, and then asked for the young lady's hand." + +"After a week's acquaintance; is it possible?" + +"Yes, because the ladies were going back to Florence." + +"At any rate you are not one of those who take a long time to make up +their minds." + +"At home it would have taken much longer; but here, sir, the very +thought they were my countrywomen made me long to kiss their hands." + +"Yes, but marriage is such an important step." + +"That is true; but three or four weeks more would not help me to a +clearer view of it. I had certain scruples, I confess; I feel a little +reluctant to speak of it. In our family there is hereditary deafness. +My grandfather at an advanced age became quite deaf. My father was +deaf at forty. One can live with that, but it is a great drawback, +because deaf people as a rule are irritable. I debated within myself +whether it was right for a young girl to marry a man threatened with +such a defect, and who in course of time might become a burden to +her." + +I began to observe now that Lukomski had in the expression of his +eyes, and the way he listened to what was said to him, a certain +peculiarity noticed in deaf people. His hearing was still excellent, +but he evidently feared that he might be losing the faculty. + +I told him he had no right to let that stand in his way. + +"I thought so a little myself. It is not worth while to spoil one's +life for a thing that may never happen. There is the cholera that +sweeps now and then over Italy; it would be foolish for Italians not +to marry for fear they might leave orphans and widows. Besides I have +done what I considered my duty. I told Panna Vanda that I loved +her and would give my life to call her my own, but there was this +impediment. And do you know what her answer was? 'When you are no +longer able to hear me saying I love you, I will write it.' All this +did not come off without some crying, but an hour afterwards we made +merry over it. I pretended to have suddenly grown deaf, to make her +write, 'I love you.'" + +This conversation fixed itself in my mind. Sniatynski is wrong when +he maintains that among us only asses have still a kind of will. +This sculptor had a real motive to reflect, and yet a week seemed +sufficient for such a weighty decision. Maybe he does not possess the +same knowledge of self as I, but he is a very intelligent fellow. What +a plucky woman the future Pani Lukomska is; I like her ready answer. +Aniela would do the same. If, for instance, I were to lose my +eyesight, Laura would care only in so far as she could show me off, a +picturesque Demadoc, singing at her feast; but Aniela would take care +of me even if she were not my wife. + +I must acknowledge that, having such convictions, a week of indecision +seems a long time; and here I have been wavering for five months, and +the letter I wrote to my aunt was not very decisive either. + +But I comfort myself with the thought that my aunt is a clever woman, +and loving me as she does, will guess what I meant to say, and will +help me in her own way; and then there is Aniela who will assist her. +Nevertheless, I regret now that I did not write more openly, and I +feel half inclined to send another letter, but will not yield to the +impulse. Perhaps it will be as well to wait for the reply. Happy those +people, like Lukomski, whose first impulse is towards action. + + +15 June. + +Whatever name I might give to the feeling I cherish for Aniela, it is +different from anything I ever felt before. Either night or day she is +never out of my thought; it has grown into a kind of personal affair +for which I feel responsible to myself. This never used to be the +case. My other love affairs lasted a longer or shorter time, their +memories were pleasant sometimes, a little sad at others, or +distasteful as the case might be, but never absorbed my whole being. +In the idle, aimless life we are leading, woman, perforce, occupies a +large space,--she is always before us; we bestow our attentions upon +her until we become so used to it that she counts only as a venial sin +in our lives. To disappoint a woman causes us but little trouble +of conscience, though a little more perhaps than she feels in +disappointing us. With all the sensitiveness of my nature, I have a +rather blunted conscience. Sometimes it happened I said to myself, +"Now is the time for a pathetic lecture!" but I only shrugged my +shoulders and preferred to think of something more pleasant. This time +it is altogether different. For instance, I think of something that +has no connection with it whatever; presently I am overcome by a +feeling that something is missing, a great trouble seizes me, a fear +as if I had forgotten something of great importance, not done a thing +I ought to have done; and I find out that the thought of Aniela has +percolated through every nook and cranny of the mind, and taken +possession of it. It knocks there night and day like the death-tick in +the desk of Mickiewicz's poem. When I try to lessen or to ridicule the +impression, my scepticism and irony fail me, or rather help me only +for a moment; then I go back to the enchanted circle. Strictly +speaking, it is neither a great sorrow nor a sting of conscience; it +is rather a troublesome fastening upon one subject, and a restless, +feverish curiosity as to what will happen next,--as if upon that next +my very life depended. If I analyzed myself less closely, I should say +it was an all-absorbing love that had taken possession of me; but I +notice that there is something besides Aniela that causes me anxiety. +There is no doubt as to her having made a deep impression upon me; but +Sniatynski is right,--if I had loved her as much as Sniatynski loved +his wife, I should have desired to make her my own. But I--and this is +quite a fact--do not desire her so much as I am afraid to lose her. +It is not everybody perhaps who could perceive the singular and great +difference. I feel quite convinced that but for Kromitzki and the fear +of losing Aniela, I should not feel either anxieties or trouble. My +entangled skein is gradually getting straighter, and I can see now +more clearly that it is not so much love for Aniela as fear of losing +her, and with her some future happiness, that moves me, and still more +the utter loneliness I see before me should Aniela go out from my +life. + +I have noticed that the stoutest pessimists, when fate or men try to +take something out of their lives, fight tooth and nail, and cry out +as loud as the greatest optimists. I am exactly in the like position. +I do not cry out, but a terrible fear clutches at my heart, that a few +days hence I shall not know what to do with myself in this world. + + +16 June. + +I had indirect news of Laura through my lawyer, who is also their +legal adviser. Mr. Davis is already in a lunatic asylum, and Laura at +Interlaken, at the foot of the Jungfrau. Perhaps she has some ideas +about climbing the mountain heights, drapes herself in Alps, eternal +snow, and rising sun, sails gracefully on the lake, and bends over +precipices. I expressed my regret at Mr. Davis's condition, and the +lady's, who at so early an age was left without protection. Thereupon +the old lawyer set my mind at rest, telling me that Count Maleschi, a +Neapolitan, and Laura's cousin, had gone to Switzerland. I know +him. He is beautiful as an Antinous, but an inveterate gambler, and +somewhat of a coward. It appears I was a little out of my reckoning +when I compared Laura to the tower of Pisa. + +It has happened to me literally for the first time that the memory of +a woman whom I did not love, though I made her believe I did, rouses +within me much ill-feeling. I am so ungrateful and ungenerous to her +that it makes me feel ashamed. Plainly, what reason have I for any +ill-feeling, and what has she done to me that I cannot forgive? It is +because, as I said before, from the very beginning of our relations, +though not through any fault of hers, I did many things I have +never done before in my life. I did not respect my sorrow, had +no consideration for the weakness and helplessness of Davis, got +corrupted, slothful, and finally sent off that fatal letter. + +It is all my fault! But the blind man when he stumbles over a stone, +curses the stone, not the blindness that made him stumble. + + +17 June. + +To-day I paid Lukomski, gave a power of attorney to the lawyer, had my +things packed, and am ready for the journey. Rome begins to pall upon +me. + + +18 June. + +I have been counting that my aunt's reply ought to have reached me by +this. Putting aside all the worst suppositions, I try to guess what +she is going to tell me. I regret, for I do not know how many times, +that my letter was not more conclusive. Yet I wrote that I would come +to Ploszow if I felt sure my presence would be acceptable to my aunt's +guests, sending them my kindest regards at the same time. I also +mentioned that during the last days of my stay at Peli I felt so +irritable that I scarcely knew what I was doing. The letter, while I +was writing it, seemed to me very clever; now it appears to me as the +height of folly. It was simply that my vanity did not permit me to +revoke clearly and decidedly what I had written previously. I counted +upon my aunt grasping at the opportunity I gave her for settling +matters, and then I meant to make my appearance as the generous +prince. Human nature is very pitiful. Nothing now remains but to hold +fast to the hope that my aunt would guess how it stood with me. + +With my anxiety increasing every moment, I feel not only that I could +have loved Aniela, but that I do love her beyond expression, and also +that I might become an incomparably better man. Strictly speaking, why +do I act as if beyond nerves and egoism there were nothing else in me? +and if there be anything else, why does not my auto-analysis point it +out to me? I have the courage to draw extreme conclusions, and do not +hide the truth from myself, but I decidedly negative the notion. +Why? Because I have the unshaken conviction that I am better than my +actions. The cause of the latter is partly a certain incapacity of +life, partly the inheritance of my race and the disease of the times +in which I live, and finally that over-analysis which does not permit +me to follow the first, simple impulses of nature, but criticises +until it reduces the soul to utter impotence. When a child I used to +amuse myself by piling up coin upon coin until the column, bending +under its own weight, tumbled down into one chaotic heap. I am doing +now exactly the same with my thoughts and intentions, until they +collapse and roll over each other in a disorderly confusion. For this +very reason it has always been easier for me to play a passive part +than an active one. It appears to me that many cultured people are +attacked by the same disease. Criticism of ourselves and everything +else is corroding our active power; we have no stable basis, no point +of issue, no faith in life. Therein lies the reason why I do not care +so much to win Aniela as I am afraid of losing her. In speaking of a +disease common to our time, I will not confine myself exclusively to +my own case. That somebody takes to his bed when an epidemic disease +is raging is a very common occurrence; nowadays criticism of +everything is the epidemic spreading all over the world. The result +is that various roofs that sheltered men collapse over their heads. +Religion, the very name of which means "ties," is getting unloosened. +Faith, even in those who still believe, is getting restive. Through +the roof of what we call Fatherland social currents begin to filter. +There remains only one ideal in presence of which the most hardened +sceptic raises his hat,--the People. But on the base of this statue +mischievous spirits are beginning already to scribble more or less +ribald jokes, and, what is still more strange, the mist of unbelief is +rising from the heads of those who, in the nature of things, ought +to bow down reverently. Finally there will come a gifted sceptic, a +second Heine, to spit and trample on the idol, as in his time did +Aristophanes; he will not, however, trample on it in the name of old +ideals, but in the name of freedom of thought, in the name of freedom +of doubt; and what will happen then I do not know. Most likely on the +huge, clean-wiped slate the devil will write sonnets. Can anything +be done to prevent all this? Finally, what does it matter to me? To +attempt anything is not my business; I have been trained too carefully +as a child of my time. But if all that is thought, that is achieved +and happening, has for its ultimate aim to increase the sum of general +happiness, I permit myself a personal remark as to that happiness; by +which I do not mean material comfort, but that inward spiritual peace +in which I as well as anybody else may be wanting. Thus my grandfather +was happier than my father, my father happier than I, and as to my +son, if ever I have one, he will simply be an object of commiseration. + + +FLORENCE, 20 June. + +The house of cards has tumbled down. I received a letter from my aunt. +Aniela is engaged to Kromitzki, and the marriage will take place in a +few weeks. She herself has fixed such a short date. After receiving +the news I took a railway ticket, with the intention of going straight +to Ploszow, conscious all the time that it was a foolish thing to do, +which could lead to nothing. But the impulse was upon me, and carried +me along; when, collecting the last remnants of common-sense and +reflection, I stuck fast here. + + +FLORENCE, 22 June. + +Simultaneously with my aunt's letter, I received a "faire part" +addressed in a female hand. It is not Aniela's handwriting, or her +mother's; neither of them would have done it. Most likely it is Pani +Sniatynska's malicious device. Upon the whole, what does it matter? I +got a blow with a club on the head, and feel dizzy; it has shaken me +more than it has hurt. I do not know how it will be later on; they say +one does not feel a bullet wound at once. But I have not sent a bullet +through my head, I am not mad; I look at the Lung Arno; I could sit +down to a game of patience if I knew how to play; in fact, I am quite +well. It is the old story,--among sincere friends the dogs tore the +hare to pieces. My aunt considered it her Christian duty to show +Aniela the letter I had written from Peli. + + +FLORENCE, 23 June. + +In the morning, when I wake up,--or rather, when opening my +eyes,--I am obliged to repeat to myself that Aniela is marrying +Kromitzki,--Aniela, so good, so loving, who insisted on sitting up to +take care of me when I returned from Warsaw to Ploszow; who looked +into my eyes, hung upon every word that came from my lips, and with +every glance told me she was mine. That same Aniela will not only be +Kromitzki's wife, but within a week from the wedding will not be able +to conceive how she could ever hesitate in her choice between such a +man as Ploszowski and a Jupiter like Kromitzki. Strange things happen +in this world,--so terrible and irrevocable that it takes away the +desire to live out the mean remnant of one's existence. Most likely +Pani Celina together with Pani Sniatynska make a great ado about +Kromitzki, and praise him at my expense. I hope they will leave Aniela +in peace. It is my aunt's doing; she ought not to have allowed it, if +only for Aniela's sake, as she cannot possibly be happy with him. She +herself says Aniela has accepted him out of despair. + +Here is that long, cursed letter:-- + +"I thank you for the last news,--all the more as that first letter +from Peli was not only conclusive, but also very cruel. I could +scarcely believe that you had not only no affection for the girl, but +also neither friendship nor compassion. My dear Leon, I never asked +nor advised you to become engaged to Aniela at once,--I only wanted +you to write a few kindly words, not to her directly, but in a letter +to me. And believe me, it would have been sufficient; for she +loved you as only girls like her can love. Put yourself in my +position,--what could I do after having received your letter? How +could I conscientiously allow her to remain in her illusion, and at +the same time in that anxiety that evidently undermined her health? +Chwastowski always sends a special messenger for papers and letters, +and brings them himself when he comes to breakfast. Aniela saw there +was a letter from you, because the poor child was always on the +lookout for Chwastowski, and took the letters from him under pretext +that she wanted to put them under my napkin; and the real reason was +that she might see whether there was a letter from you. I noticed how +her hands trembled when she poured out the tea. Touched by a sudden +foreboding, I hesitated whether to put off the reading of your letter +until I had gone into my room; but I was anxious about your health, +and could not wait. God knows what it cost me not to show what I felt, +especially as Aniela's eyes were fixed upon my face. But I got a firm +grip of myself, and even managed to say: 'Leon is still sorrowing, +but, thank God! his health is all right, and he sends you kind +messages.' Aniela inquired, as it were in her usual voice, 'Is he +going to remain long in Italy?' I saw how much the question meant +to her, and had not the heart to undeceive her then,--especially as +Chwastowski and the servants were there; so I said merely: 'No, not +very long; I believe he will soon come to see us.' If you had seen the +flame that shot up in her face, the sudden joy that kindled her eyes, +and the effort she made not to burst into tears. Poor child! I feel +inclined to cry every time I think of it. What I went through in the +solitude of my own room, you cannot imagine; but you wrote distinctly, +'I wish her happiness with Kromitzki;' it was duty, my conscience told +me, to open her eyes. There was no need to send for her,--she came +herself. I said to her, 'Aniela, dear, you are a good girl, and a girl +that submits to God's will. We must be open with each other. I have +seen the affection that was springing up between you and Leon. It was +my dearest wish you might come to love each other; but evidently the +Lord willed it otherwise. If you have still any illusions, you must +try to get rid of them.' I took her into my arms; for she had grown +deadly white, and I was afraid she might faint. But she did not lose +consciousness, but hid her head on my knees and said over and over +again: 'What message did he send me?' I did not want to tell her, but +then it struck me it might be better for her if she knew the whole +truth; and I told her you wished her happiness with Kromitzki. She +rose, and after a moment said, in a quite changed voice: 'Thank him +for me, aunty!' and then left the room. I am afraid you will not thank +me for repeating to her your very words, without disguising them under +any kind expressions; but since you do not want Aniela, the more +plainly she is told about it the better. Convinced that you treated +her badly, she may forget you all the sooner. Besides, if it give +you pain, remember how much pain and anxiety you have caused +us,--especially Aniela. Yet she has more control over herself than I +even expected. Her eyes were quite dry the whole day, and she gave +no sign of inward trouble; she is anxious to spare her mother, about +whose health she is much concerned; she only clung more to her and +to me,--which moved me so deeply that it made my chin tremble. Pan +Sniatynski, who came to see us the same day, did not notice anything +unusual in Aniela. Knowing he is in your confidence, I told him all +about it; and he was dreadfully shocked, and got into such a rage with +you that it made me quite angry with him. I need not repeat what +he said,--you know his ways. You, who do not love Aniela, cannot +understand how happy you might have been with her; but you have done +wrong, Leon, in making her believe you loved her. Not only she,--we +all thought the same; and that is where the sting lies. Only God +knows how much she suffered; and it was this that made her accept +Kromitzki,--it was done out of despair. She must have had a long talk +with her mother, and then it was decided. When Kromitzki arrived the +day after, she treated him differently; and a week later they were +engaged. Pan Sniatynski heard about it only a few days ago, and he was +tearing his hair; and as to my own feelings, I will not even try to +put them into words. + +"I was more angry with you than I have ever been in my life with +anybody, and only your second letter has pacified me a little, though +it convinced me at the same time of the futility of my dreams. I +confess that after the first letter, and before Kromitzki had finally +proposed, I still thought: 'Perhaps God will be good to us and change +his heart; maybe he has written thus in a fit of auger!' but when +afterwards you sent kind messages to Aniela without denying or +contradicting what you had written in the first letter, I saw it was +of no use deceiving myself any longer. Aniela's wedding is to take +place on the 25th of July, and I will tell you why they have fixed +upon such a short date. Celina is really very ill, thinks she will +soon die, and is afraid her death might delay the marriage, and thus +leave Aniela without a protector. Kromitzki is in a hurry because he +has his business to attend to in the East; lastly, Aniela wishes to +drain the cup with as little delay as possible. Ah! Leon, my boy, +why should all this have happened, and why is that poor child made +unhappy? + +"I would never have allowed her to marry Kromitzki, but how could I +say a word against it, feeling as I do that I am guilty in regard +to Aniela. I was over-anxious to see you settled in life, and never +considered what might be the consequences for her. It is my fault, +and consequently I suffer not a little; I pray every day for the poor +child. + +"After the ceremony they will immediately leave for Volhynia. Celina +remains with me for the present; she was thinking of Odessa, but I +will not let her go on any account. You know, my dear boy, how happy I +am when you are with me, but do not come now to Ploszow for Aniela's +sake; if you wish to see me I will come to you, but we must spare +Aniela now as much as we can." + +Why deceive myself any longer? When I read that letter I felt as if I +could ram my head against the wall,--not in rage or jealousy but in +utter anguish. + + +23 June. + +I cannot possibly fold my hands and let things take their own way. +This marriage must not take place; it would be too monstrous. To-day, +Thursday, I have sent a telegram to Sniatynski, entreating him by all +the powers to be at Cracow by Sunday. I shall leave here to-morrow. I +asked him not to mention the telegram to anybody. I will see him, talk +to him, and beg him to see Aniela in my name. I count much upon his +influence. Aniela respects and likes him very much. I did not apply to +my aunt, because we men understand one another better. Sniatynski, as +a psychologist, can make allowance for the phase of life I have been +passing through lately. I can tell him, too, about Laura; if I were +to mention such a thing to my aunt she would cross herself as if in +presence of the Evil One. I first wanted to write to Aniela; but a +letter from me would attract attention and cause a general confusion. +I know Aniela's straight-forwardness; she would show the letter to her +mother, who does not like me and might twist the words so as to suit +her own schemes, and Kromitzki would help her. Sniatynski must see +Aniela alone. His wife will help him. I hope he will undertake the +mission, though I am fully aware what a delicate task it is. I have +not slept for several nights. When I shut my eyes I see Aniela before +me,--her face, her eyes, her smile,--I even hear her voice. I cannot +go on like this. + + +CRACOW, 26 June. + +Sniatynski has arrived. He has promised to do it,--good fellow, God +bless him for it! It is four o'clock at night, but I cannot sleep, so +I sit down to write, for I can do nothing else. We talked together, +discussed and quarrelled till three o'clock. Now he is sleeping in the +adjoining room. I could not at first persuade him to undertake the +mission. "My dear fellow," he said, "what right have I, a stranger, to +meddle in your family affairs, and such a delicate affair too? Pana +Aniela could reduce me to silence at once by saying, 'What business is +it of yours?'" + +I assured him that Aniela would do nothing of that kind. I +acknowledged he was right in the main, but this was an exceptional +case, and general rules could not apply to it. My argument that it was +for Aniela's sake seemed to convince him most; but I think he is doing +it a little for my sake too; he seemed sorry, and said I looked very +ill. Besides, he cannot bear Kromitzki. Sniatynski maintains that +money speculations is the same as taking money out of somebody +else's pocket and put it in one's own. He takes many things amiss in +Kromitzki, and says of him: "If he had a higher or honester aim in +view I could forgive him; but he tries to gain money for the mere sake +of having it." Aniela's marriage is almost as repugnant to him as +to me, and his opinion is that she is preparing a wretched life for +herself. At my entreaties he promised to take the first train in the +morning. + +The day after both he and his wife will go to Ploszow, and if they do +not find a chance of seeing Aniela alone, carry her off to Warsaw for +a few hours. He is going to tell Aniela how much I suffer, and that my +life is in her hands. He is able to do it. He will speak to her with a +certain authority, gently and persuasively; he will convince her that +a woman, however wounded her heart may be, has no right to marry the +man she does not love; that doing so she acts dishonestly, and is not +true to herself; that, likewise, she has no right to throw over the +man she loves, because in an access of jealousy he wrote a letter he +repents of now from the veriest depths of his heart. + +Towards the end Sniatynski said to me:-- + +"I will do what you wish under one condition: you must pledge me your +word that in case my mission fails, you will not go to Ploszow and +make a scene which the ladies might pay for with their health; you may +write to Aniela if you wish, but you will not go, unless she gives you +permission." + +What does he take me for? I promised unreservedly, but his words +increased my anxiety. But I count upon Aniela's heart and Sniatynski's +eloquence. Ah! how he can speak! He did not encourage my hopes, but I +can see he is hopeful himself. As a last resource he promised to get +Aniela to delay the marriage for six months. In that case the victory +is ours, for Kromitzki will draw back. I shall remember this day for +a long time. Sniatynski, when in presence of a real sorrow, can be as +gentle as a woman, and he was anxious to spare my feelings. Yet +it costs me something to lay bare even before such a friend my +madness,--weak points,--and put into his hands my whole fate, instead +of fighting it out by myself. But what does it all matter when Aniela +is in question? + + +27 June. + +Sniatynski left early. I went with him to the station. On the way I +kept repeating various instructions as if he were an idiot. He said +teasingly that if he were successful in his mission, I would begin +again philosophizing. I felt a desire to shake him. He went away with +such a cheerful face I could swear he feels sure not to fail. + +After his departure I went straight to St. Mary's Church, and I, the +sceptic, the philosopher, I who do not know, do not know, do not +know, had a mass offered in the names of Leon and Aniela. I not only +remained during mass in church, but put down here, black on white: +Perdition upon all my scepticism, philosophy, and my "I do not know!" + + +28 June. + +It is one o'clock in the afternoon. Sniatynski and his wife are +starting for Ploszow. Aniela ought to agree at least to a postponement +of her marriage. Various thoughts cross my mind. That Kromitzki is +greedy for money there is not the slightest doubt; then why did he not +fix his attentions on a richer girl? Aniela's estate is large, but +encumbered with debts,--perhaps it was the landed property he wanted, +so as to secure himself a position and a citizenship. Yet Kromitzki, +with his reputation as a rich man, could have got all this, and money +with his wife besides. Evidently Aniela attracted him personally +and for some time. It is not to be wondered at that Aniela should +captivate any one. + +And to think that she was waiting, as one waits for one's happiness or +salvation, for one word from me! My aunt says it, that she was lying +in wait for Chwastowski, to take the letters from him. A terrible fear +seizes me that all this may not be forgiven, and that I am doomed and +all those that are like me. + + +10 o'clock in the evening. + +I had a terrible neuralgia in the head; it has passed now, but what +with the pain, the sleeplessness, and anxiety, I feel as if I were +hypnotized. My mind, open and excited on one point, concentrated upon +one thought, sees more clearly than it has ever done before how the +affair will end. It seems to me that I am at Ploszow; I listen to what +Aniela says to Sniatynski, and I cannot understand how I could buoy +myself up with false hopes. She has no pity on me. These are not mere +suppositions, they are a dead certainty. Truly, something strange is +going on with me. A terrible gravity has suddenly fallen upon me, as +if up to this moment I had only been a child,--and such a terrible +sadness. Am I going to be ill? I made Sniatynski promise to send me a +telegram. No message has as yet arrived, though, properly speaking, it +will not tell me anything new. + + +29 June. + +The telegram has come. It contains these words: "It is of no +use,--pull yourself together and travel." Yes, I will do it. Oh, +Aniela! + + +Paris, 2 April. + +It is some ten months since I put down anything in my journal; it had +become such a familiar friend that I missed it. But I said to myself: +what is the use of it? If I put down on paper thoughts worthy of a +Pascal; deeper than the ocean depth; loftier than the Alps,--it would +not change the simple fact that she is married. With that fact staring +at me, my hands dropped powerless. Sometimes life concentrates itself +in one object, not necessarily an important one; but if that fails us +we seem at a loss what to do with ourselves. It is strange,--almost +laughable,--but for a long time I remained in a state of mind in which +the most commonplace functions of life seemed irksome and useless, +and it took me some time to remember that I used to go to clubs and +theatres, shaved, dressed, and dined before I knew her. The first +months I travelled a great deal, straying as far as Iceland. The sight +of Swedish lakes, Norwegian fiords, and Icelandic geysers conveyed to +me no direct impressions; I only tried to imagine what Aniela would +have felt or said to such a view,--in short, I saw with her eyes, +thought her thoughts, and felt with her heart. And when presently I +remembered that she was Aniela no longer, but Pani Kromitzka, I went +straight to the nearest railway station or ship to go somewhere else, +as what I looked upon had ceased to interest me. It did not matter +to me in the least that I played a part in one of the so commonly +ridiculed dramas where thousands of fools have played the same parts +before. And death is a drama; and those who are entering its gates +think the world is coming to an end; and so it is,--for them. + +I do not know, and will not enter into it now, whether my feeling +the first few months was one of fathomless despair. Everything is +relative. I know only that my whole being was absorbed by one woman, +and I understood for the first time the void created by the death of a +dearly loved being. + +But gradually the habit--not the zest--of life recovered its vital +power. This is a common enough fact. I have known people, inwardly +intensely sad, without a grain of cheerfulness in their souls, yet +keep up an appearance of cheerfulness because they had once been +cheerful, and the habit clung to them. And time dulls the pain, and I +found an antidote to the poison. I read once, in a book of travels by +Farini, that the Caffres, when stung by a scorpion, cure themselves +by letting the scorpion sting them in the same place. Such a +scorpion,--such an antidote,--was for me, and is generally for most +people, the word, "It is done; there is no help for it." + +It is done, therefore I suffer; it is done, and I feel relieved. +There is an anodyne in the consciousness that it cannot be helped. It +reminds me of the Indian carried away by the Niagara: he struggled +at first with all his strength against the current; but seeing the +hopelessness of his efforts, threw away his oar, laid himself down in +the bottom of the canoe, and began to sing. I am ready to sing now. +The Niagara Falls have that advantage--they crush the life out of a +man; there are others that throw him on a lonely barren shore without +water. This has happened to me. + +The evil genius bent upon wrecking my life had not taken in account +one thing: a man crushed and utterly wretched cares less for himself +than a happy one. In presence of that indifference fate becomes more +or less powerless. I was and am still in that frame of mind that, if +angry Fortuna came to me in person, and said: "Go to perdition," I +should reply calmly: "Be it so,"--not out of sorrow for the loss of +Aniela, but from mere indifference to everything within or without me. + +This is a special kind of armor which not only protects the man +himself, but also makes him dangerous to others. It is clear that +he who does not spare himself will not spare others. Even God's +commandment does not say: "Love thy neighbor more than thyself." It +does not follow that I mean to cut somebody's throat one of these +days. What I said has merely a theoretical bearing upon life in +general; nobody will be any the worse for it; for if indifference +diminishes altruism, it also lessens egoism. If I were to sleep +with my neighbor under the, same cloak, I should not surrender it +altogether; neither should I take it all to myself. + +Dangerous, and even very dangerous, such a man as I am may become +when at length he is aroused from his lethargy, drawn forth from the +seclusion of his egotism, and forced into definite action. He then +acquires the precision of motion, and also the merciless power, of +an engine, I have gained that mechanical power. For some time I have +noticed that I impress others by my way of thinking and my will more +strongly than formerly, though I have not sought it in the least. The +everlasting source of weakness is love of self, vanity, and coquetry +in regard to others. Almost unconsciously everybody tries to please, +to gain sympathy; and towards that end often sacrifices his own +opinions and convictions. At present this coquetry, if not altogether +gone, is greatly diminished; and the indifference as to whether I +please or not gives me a kind of superiority over others. I have +noticed that during my travels, and especially now at Paris. There are +many here who at one time had an ascendency over me; now I have the +ascendency, for the very reason that I care less for it. + +In a general way I look upon myself as a man who could be energetic +if he wished to exert himself; but the will acts in proportion to the +passions, and mine are in the passive state. + +As the habit of giving an account to myself for my thoughts and +actions still remains with me, I explain in this way that in certain +conditions of life we may as strongly desire not to live, as in others +we should wish the contrary. Most likely my indifference springs from +this dislike of life. It is this which renders it different from the +apathy of such men as Davis. + +It is quite certain that I have grown more independent than formerly, +and might say with Hamlet that there is something dangerous in +me. Fortunately nobody crosses my path. Everybody is as supremely +indifferent and cool towards me as I am in regard to them. Only my +aunt in far-away Ploszow loves me as of old; but I suppose even +her love has lost its active character, and there will be no more +match-making in my behalf. + + +3 April. + +Alas! that indifference I compared to pure water without taste or +color is only apparently colorless. Looking more closely I perceive +tiny bubbles which dim its purity. They are my idiosyncrasies. +Everything else has left me and they remained. I do not love anybody, +have no active hatred towards any one, but am full of aversions in +regard to various people. One of these is Kromitzki. I do not hate him +because he has taken Aniela from me; I dislike him for his long, flat +feet, his thick knees, lank figure, and that voice like a coffee-mill. +He was always repulsive to me, and I mention the fact now because that +aversion has such a strange vitality in me. I cannot help thinking of +people who jar upon my nerves. If only Kromitzki and Pani Celina came +under that category, I might think those antipathies were hatred in +the disguise of aversion. But it is not so. There are others who have +roused at some time or other an aversion in me that clings quite as +perversely to my memory. As I cannot ascribe it to the state of my +health,--I never felt better in my life,--I explain it in this way: +The world has robbed me of my love, time has dried up hatred, and as +the living individual must feel something, I live upon what remains to +me. I must also say that he who feels and lives thus does not get a +surfeit of happiness. + +My former sympathies have cooled down very considerably. To Sniatynski +I have taken a dislike which no reasoning on my part can overcome. +Sniatynski has many grand qualities and is pleasantly conscious of +them, which gives him, as painters express it, a certain mannerism. I +suppose it is exceedingly rare that a man who sees that his individual +characteristics impress people favorably does not fall in love with +his own type, and end by exaggerating it. Sniatynski consequently has +grown artificial, and for the sake of the pose sacrifices his innate +delicacy; as in case of the abrupt telegram he sent to Cracow, after +his mission with Aniela had failed,--his advice to travel, which I +should have done without it,--and I received another letter from him +at Christiania soon after Aniela's wedding, written in a friendly +spirit, but very abrupt and artificial. I might give its substance as +follows: "Panna Aniela is now Pani Kromitzka,--the thing is done; I am +sorry for you; do not think the bottom is falling out of the universe; +there are other things in the world of more importance, the deuce take +it. Norway must be splendid just now. Come back soon and set to work. +Good-by," and so forth. I do not repeat it word for word, but such was +the gist of the letter. It impressed me unpleasantly, first because +I had not asked Sniatynski to lend me his yard-measure to measure my +sorrow with; secondly, I had thought him a sensible man, and supposed +he understood that his "more important things" are merely empty words +unless they imply feelings and inclinations that existed before. I +wanted to write to him there and then and ask him to release me from +his spiritual tutelage, but thinking better of it did not answer +at all,--I fancy that is the easiest way of breaking off a +correspondence. Entering more minutely into the matter, I find that +neither his telegram nor his letter have caused my dislike. Properly +speaking, I cannot forgive him that for which I ought to feel +grateful,--his mediation between me and Aniela. I myself implored him +to undertake it, but exactly because I implored him, entrusted him +with my fate, confessed to him my weaknesses, and made him in a way my +protector, and because the humiliation and sorrow which overwhelmed me +passed through his hands,--this, perhaps, explains my dislike towards +him. I felt angry with myself, and angry with Sniatynski as having +a part in it. It is unjust, I know, but I cannot help it, and my +friendship for him has burned out like a candle. + +Besides, I have never been quick in forming ties of friendship. With +Sniatynski my relations were closer than with anybody else, perhaps +because we lived each of us in a different part of Europe. I had no +other friends. I belong in general to the class of persons called +singles. I remember there was a time when I considered this a sign +of strength. In the animal world, for instance, the weak ones mostly +cling together, and those whom nature has endowed with powerful claws +and teeth go single, because they suffice unto themselves. This +principle can be applied to human beings only in exceptional cases. +Incapacity for friendship proves mostly dryness of heart, not strength +of character. As to myself, the cause of it was a certain shyness and +sensitiveness. My heart is like that plant which closes its leaves at +the slightest touch. That I never formed ties of friendship with a +woman is a different thing altogether. I had a desire for friendship +in regard to those from whom I expected more. I feigned it sometimes, +as the fox makes believe to be dead in order to secure the rooks. It +does not follow that I disbelieve in friendship between man and woman. +I am not a fool who measures the world according to his own standard, +or a churl who is for ever suspecting evil; besides, various +observations have proved to me that such a friendship is quite +possible. As there exists the relation of brother and sister, the same +feeling may exist between two persons who feel as brother and sister +towards each other. Moreover, the capacity for that kind of friendship +belongs to the choicer spirits who have a natural inclination for +Platonic feasts, such as poets, artists, philosophers, and generally, +people who cannot be measured by the common standard. If this be a +proof that I was not made of the stuff artists, poets, and great men +are made of,--the worse for me. Most likely it is so, since I am +nothing but Leon Ploszowski. There was a time when I felt that if +Aniela had become my wife, she would not only have been my love, but +also my dearest friend. But I prefer not to think of it. Ghosts of +this kind visit me far too often, and I shall never have any peace +until I banish them altogether. + + +4 April. + +I meet Mrs. Davis here pretty often, and call upon her at her house. +And nothing else! There is some dislike, a little contempt under a +thick layer of ashes, and for the rest, the usual social intercourse. +She is still too beautiful to be classified among my idiosyncrasies. +I cannot love her, and do not take the trouble to hate her. She +understood that at once, and adapted herself to circumstances. All the +same she cannot always conceal her irritation at my self-possession +and cool independence; but for that very reason shows me greater +consideration. It is very strange, that easiness with which women from +closest relations pass on to mere acquaintanceship. Laura and I treat +each other as if there had never been anything between us,--not only +before people, but even when we are alone together. It does not +seem to cost her the slightest effort; she is polite, cool, and +self-possessed, affable in her way, and her manners influence me +to such a degree that I should never dream of calling her by her +Christian name. + +The Neapolitan cousin, Maleschi, used to roll his eyes so ferociously +at me that I almost considered it my duty to ask him not to injure his +optics; he has now calmed down, seeing how very distant our relations +to each other are, and is very friendly towards me. He has already +fought a duel about Laura, and in spite of the reputation of coward he +had in Italy, showed a deal of pluck. Poor Davis has passed to Nirvana +some months ago, and I suppose after a decent interval of widowhood, +Laura will marry Maleschi. They will make a splendid couple. The +Italian has the torso and head of an Antinous; in addition to that, a +complexion like pale gold, raven black hair, and eyes as blue as the +Mediterranean. It may be that Laura loves him, but for some reason +known only to herself, she bullies him a great deal. Several times in +my presence she treated him so uncivilly that I was surprised, as I +had thought her aesthetic nature incapable of such an exhibition of +temper. Aspasia and Xantippe in one. + +I have often noticed that women, merely beautiful, without striking +qualities of the soul, who are looked upon as stars, are something +more than stars; they are a whole constellation, two in fact,--a Great +Bear to their surroundings, a Cross to their husbands. Laura was a +Cross to poor Davis, and is now a Bear in regard to Maleschi. She +would treat me a little in that way, too, if it were not that she is +not familiar with the ways of Parisian society, and considers it safer +to have me for an ally than an enemy. It is very strange, but she +does not create here the same sensation as in Italy, or on the +Mediterranean. She is simply too classical, too beautiful for +Parisians, whose taste is to a certain degree morbid, as appears in +their literature and art; and characteristic ugliness more strongly +excites their blunted nerves than simple beauty. It is a noted fact +that the most celebrated stars of the _demi-monde_ are rather ugly +than beautiful. In regard to Laura, there is another reason for +her non-success with the Parisians. Her intelligence, though very +uncommon, is upon too straight lines, wanting in that kind of dash +so appreciated here. There are thinkers, and deep thinkers, too, in +Paris, but in society those mostly win a reputation whose minds are +nimble enough to cling to any subject, as a monkey to a branch by his +tail or feet, turning head over heel. The more these jumps are sudden +and unexpected, the surer the success. Laura understands this, and at +the same time is conscious that to do this would be as easy for her +as to dance on a rope. She considers me an adept in these kinds of +gymnastics, and consequently wants me. + +To increase the attraction of her salon, she has made it into a temple +of music. She herself sings like a siren, and thereby attracts +many people. I meet there often a pianiste, Clara Hilst, a young, +good-looking German girl, very tall of figure, whom one of the +painters here describes thus: "C'est beau, mais c'est deux fois +grandeur naturelle." In spite of her German origin, she has met with +a considerable success. As to myself, I evidently belong to the old +school, for I do not understand the music of the present, which +consists in a great deal of noise and confusion. Listening the last +time to Miss Hilst's playing at Laura's, I thought to myself that if +the piano were a man who had seduced her sister, she could not +belabor him more mercilessly. She also plays on the harmonium. Her +compositions are thought of a great deal here, and considered very +deep; most likely because those who could not understand them, hearing +them for the tenth time, hope the eleventh time will make them more +intelligible. I must confess that these remarks sound malicious, +perhaps bold in one who does not profess to be a judge. Yet it seems +to me that music for the understanding of which one has to be a +professor of the Conservatorium, and for which people intellectually +developed, let alone simple folk, do not possess the key, is not what +it ought to be. I am afraid that musicians following the same track +will end by creating a separate caste, like the Egyptian priests, in +order to keep knowledge and art exclusively to themselves. + +I say this because I notice that since Wagner's time, music, compared, +for instance, to painting, has taken a quite different direction. The +newer school of painting is narrowing spontaneously the limit of its +proportions, tries to divest itself from philosophical and literary +ideas; does not attempt speeches, sermons, historical events that +require a commentary, or allegory that does not explain itself at a +glance; in fact confines itself with the full consciousness of doing +so to the reproduction of shape and color. Music since Wagner's time +goes in the opposite direction,--tries to be, not only a harmony of +sound, but at the same time the philosophy of harmony. I sometimes +think a great musical genius of the future will say, as Hegel did in +his time:-- + +"There was only one who understood me, and he understood me wrongly." + +Miss Hilst belongs to the category of musical philosophers, which is +all the more strange, as her mind is full of simplicity. This caryatid +has the limpid, innocent eyes of a child, and is unsophisticated and +sincere like one. She is surrounded by a great throng of admirers, who +are attracted by her beauty, and more still by the nimbus that makes a +woman touched by the hand of the Muses always a centre of attraction; +nevertheless, not a breath has touched her fair fame. Even the women +speak well of her, for she disarms them by her invariable good humor +and sincerity. She is as gay as any street urchin, and I have seen her +laughing as schoolgirls laugh, the tears running down her face, which +would be considered bad form in anybody but an artist, who is a +privileged person. Hers, from a moral point of view, is a beautiful +character, though beyond her art, she is not endowed with great +intellectual gifts. Laura, who, in the main, does not like her, hinted +to me several times that the caryatid is in love with me. I do not +believe it; she might love me, perhaps, if I tried to make her. One +thing is certain, she likes me very much, and felt sympathy for me the +first time we met. I return the sentiment, and do not try to disturb +her peace of mind. When I meet a woman for the first time I look upon +her, from old habit I suppose, as a possible conquest; it is the first +instinct. A second thought is quite different. Generally speaking, +women interest me in the way precious stones interest a jeweller who +has retired from business. Seeing a valuable gem, I say to myself it +is worth having, and then I remember that I have sold out, and go on +my way. + +In spite of all that, I once, half in jest, urged her to go to Warsaw, +and promised to escort her as honorary _impresario_. I do not say that +such a journey would be without charm. I really intend going. My aunt +has given me her town house, and wants me to come over in order to +take the property. Besides, I always go to Warsaw for the races. Who +would believe that my aunt, a grave, serious-minded lady, devoted to +the management of the estate, to prayer and benevolent schemes, had +such a worldly weakness as horse-racing. It is her one passion. Maybe +the knightly instincts which women inherit as well as men, find an +outlet in this noble sport. Our horses have been running for Heaven +knows how many years,--and are always beaten. My aunt never fails to +attend the races, and is an enthusiast about horses. While her own +horses are running, she stands on the back seat of her carriage, +leaning on a stick, her bonnet usually awry, and watches for the +result,--then gets very angry, and for at least a month makes +Chwastowski's life a burden to him. At present I hear she has reared +a wonderful horse, and she bids me to come and witness the triumph of +the black and orange colors. I shall go. There are other reasons too +which make me inclined to go. As I have said, I am comparatively +speaking calm, do not wish for anything, or expect anything, am +resigned in fact to that kind of spiritual paralysis until the time +comes when bodily paralysis carries me off, as it carried off my +father. Nevertheless, I cannot forget altogether, therefore it is +only a partial paralysis. The one being I ever loved presents herself +before my mind in two shapes. The one is called Pani Kromitzka, the +other Aniela. As far as Pani Kromitzka is concerned, I am indifferent +and a stranger; but Aniela still haunts me and brings with her, +as gifts, the consciousness of wrong, my foolishness, spiritual +crookedness, pain, bitterness, disappointment, and loss. Verily a +munificent spirit! I might be even now perfectly contented if somebody +could take from my brain that particular part wherein memory dwells. I +try to drive away the thoughts of what might have been if things had +turned out differently, but cannot always manage it. My munificent, +generous angel will come now and then, and from her cornucopia shower +her gifts upon me. At times the idea comes into my mind that Pani +Kromitzka will lay the ghost of Aniela,--and that is one reason I wish +to go; to look upon her happiness, her married life, and all those +changes which must have made her different from the old Aniela. +Perhaps I may meet her at Ploszow, as she will want to see her mother, +after so many months of separation. + +I suppose that I do not delude myself, and that "ceci tuera cela." +I count mostly upon my nerves, which are so easily worked upon. I +remember that when I had made Aniela's acquaintance and her charm +began to act upon me with such irresistible force, the very mention of +Kromitzki in connection with her made her less desirable. This will +be more so now, when she belongs to him body and soul. I am almost +certain the remedy will prove efficacious, and that "ceci tuera cela." +And if not, if it should turn out differently, what have I to lose? I +do not wish to gain anything, but should not be sorry perhaps to know +that the guilt was not on my side only, and that henceforth the burden +would have to be divided between us two; this might give me a kind of +satisfaction. I say, it _might_, because I am not sure that it would. +Thoughts of revenge are very far from me. It is only on theatrical +boards that disappointed lovers are thirsting for revenge; in real +life they go away with distaste, that is all. Moreover, to make Pani +Kromitzka believe that she had done wrong in rejecting my repentance I +should have to believe firmly in it myself,--and strange to say, there +are moments I am not sure of anything. + + +5 April. + +I know for certain I shall meet Pani Kromitzka. Her husband has sold +the estate, betaken himself to Baku on business speculation, and has +sent his wife to join her mother at Ploszow; so my aunt tells me in +her letter. I received the news if not indifferently, at least with +perfect composure, but I notice that the impression gradually gained +upon me. At present I cannot think of anything else, as the fact is of +so great importance to the two women. After so short a space as ten +months he sold the estate which over four hundred years had been in +Aniela's family, and to the preservation of which Pani Celina had +devoted her own life. Then comes a Pan Kromitzki and sells it with a +light heart because he wants the money for his speculations. Suppose +he does make millions--will that compensate the women for the loss of +what they prized above money? What will they think of him now? My +aunt writes that she is sitting by Pani Celina's bedside, who after +receiving the news of the sale grew worse at once. I am quite certain +that Aniela, when putting her signature to the deed which empowered +her husband to dispose of the land, did not know what she was signing. +She is even now defending her husband. My aunt quotes from Aniela's +letter: "A great misfortune has happened, but it was not Charles's +fault." Defend him, defend him, O loyal wife; but you cannot prevent +my thinking that he has wounded you deeply, and that at the bottom of +your heart you despise him. Neither kisses nor soft words will efface +from your memory the one word "sold." And Pani Celina thought that +after the marriage he would devote his money towards clearing off the +debts and disincumbering the property! Dear ladies, I, a man who does +not boast of civic virtues, would not have done it, if for no other +reason than innate delicacy of feeling, affection for you, and fear to +wound you. But for speculations, ready money is wanted. I hope it is +not merely prejudice, but these millions I heard so much about appear +to me like a great point of interrogation. Maybe he will get them; +perhaps the capital realized from the sale will help him towards it; +but if he had possessed the wealth he used to boast of, would he have +dealt his wife and mother-in-law such a blow, and sold their ancestral +seat? My aunt writes that he left immediately after the sale for Baku, +and intends to go as far as Turkestan. Aniela being too young to live +by herself must needs come to Ploszow, as her mother cannot leave it +at present, because she is too ill to travel; and besides my aunt will +not let her go, and she is afraid of crossing her in any way. I know +Aniela too well to suspect her of any calculations. She is the very +essence of disinterestedness. But the mother, who would grasp all the +world for her only child, doubtless counts upon the chance of a legacy +for Aniela. And she is not mistaken either. My aunt, who never quite +believed in Kromitzki's millions, gave me to understand several times +that she meant to do something for Aniela; she said it with a certain +hesitation, almost humbly, as she considers everything ought to go to +a Ploszowski, and that to leave anything to another would be a wrong +to the family. How little she knows me! If Aniela were in want of a +pair of shoes and I had to sell Ploszow and give all I possess, she +should have them. I might be prompted by a less noble motive,--for +instance, to appear different from a Kromitzki,--but from whatever +motive, I should give it certainly. But there is no question of that +now. I am thinking continually that she is living at Ploszow, and will +remain there as long as Kromitzki's journeys last, which may be God +only knows for how long. I shall see Pani Kromitzka every day. At the +thought of this I feel a certain uneasiness, with a strong admixture +of curiosity as to our future relations towards each other; and I +clearly see what might happen if my disposition and feelings in regard +to her were different. I never lie to myself; I repeat again that I +am going there in order to cure myself, that I do not love Pani +Kromitzka, and never will love her; that on the contrary, I am in +hope that the sight of her will drive Aniela out of my heart far more +successfully than all the fiords and geysers; but I would not be +myself, the man who has lived much and thought much, if I did not see +the danger which under other circumstances such a position might bring +forth. + +If I wanted to revenge myself, if the very name Pani Kromitzka did not +excite my loathing, what could stand in my way or hinder me,--in +quiet Ploszow, where would be we two only, and the elder ladies, as +unsuspicious and unsophisticated in their stainless virtue as any +babies? In regard to this I know my aunt and Pani Celina. In the +higher spheres of society one meets sometimes women thoroughly +corrupted; but there are many, especially among the older generation, +who pass through life like angels, with no thought of evil ever coming +near them. Neither my aunt nor Pani Celina would ever dream of any +danger threatening Aniela now she is married. Aniela herself belongs +to that kind. She would not have rejected my prayers had she not given +her word to Kromitzki. But Polish women of this kind would rather +break a heart than break their word. At the very thought of it a dull +wrath seizes me. I crush down within me the desire every one has to +prove the truth of his opinion. I do not want to argue at all with +Pani Kromitzka, but if somebody else would do it,--point out to women +like her that the laws of nature, laws of affection, cannot be broken +with impunity, that they are stronger than any ethic laws, I should be +glad of it. It is true I have sinned in regard to Aniela, but I wished +to make amendment from the very depth of my heart, and she rejected +me,--rejected me perhaps so as to be able to say to herself: "I am not +a Leon Ploszowski; I have given a promise, and do not take it back." +This is not virtue, it is want of heart; it is not heroism, but +foolishness; not rectitude of conscience, but vanity. I cannot forget, +I cannot; but Pani Kromitzka will help me. When I come to see her in +her new matronly dignity, satisfied with her heroism, self-possessed, +in love, or apparently so, with her husband, watching me furtively to +see whether I have been punished, and punished sufficiently, full of +happiness and her own virtues, the ghost of my old love will be laid, +and I can go back to where the reindeer lives without Aniela's memory +following me like the sea-gulls in the track of ships. + +It is possible that Pani Kromitzka will put on the airs of an injured +victim, and her whole manner to me may say: "It is your fault!" Very +well. We have seen some of that in the world. As artificial flowers +have one defect, the want of scent, artificial crowns of thorn have +one advantage, they do not prick, and may be worn as a bonnet, very +becoming to a pretty face. Whenever I met one of those victims who +married out of despair I felt a desire to say: "It is not true! you +were a victim maybe in good faith as long as the chosen one did not +approach you in his slippers. From that moment you ceased to be +pathetic, and are only ridiculous, and the more so if you pose as a +victim." + + +6 April. + +How beautiful and wise is the Greek word "ananke." It was fated that +through a woman I should lose my peace of mind, though I had ceased +to care for her. The news that her ancestral seat is sold, and she +herself coming to live at Ploszow, moved me so deeply that I could not +sleep. Various questions knocked at my brain, asking for admittance. +I tried to solve the question whether I had any right to lead Pani +Kromitzka from the path of virtue. I neither wish, nor will I endeavor +to do so, because she has ceased to attract me; but would it be right? +I fill my life with these questions of "to be, or not to be," because +I have nothing else to do. Thoughts like mine are not reckoned among +the delights of life. It is like the dog trying to catch his tail; he +does not catch anything. I do not prove anything, only tire myself; +but have the satisfaction that another day has passed, or another +night gone by. + +I observe at the same time, that with all my scepticism, I am still +beset with scruples worthy of the vicar of Ploszow. The modern man is +composed of so many threads that in trying to set himself right, he +gets more and more entangled. It was in vain I repeated to myself, +if only in theory, that I had the right. A voice, as from the parish +church, seemed to say at intervals: "No! no! you have not the right!" +But scruples like these ought to be kept down, as for me this is a +question of keeping my mind evenly balanced. At this quiet evening +time, I feel just in the humor for it. This afternoon, at a well-known +painter's studio, I heard Mrs. Davis maintain, in discussion with two +literary men, that a woman ought to be unapproachable all her life, +if only "pour la netteté du plumage," and Maleschi repeated, "Oui, +oui,--du plumaze." Oh, ye gods and fishes! I fancied all the crabs +in the Mediterranean rolling on their backs in silent laughter, and +raising their claws to heaven, imploring Jove for a thunderbolt! By +the bye, Mrs. Davis borrowed that sentence from me, and I borrowed +it from Feuillet. I kept my gravity, and did not permit myself the +slightest smile, but it put me into a merry, cynical humor, the +reflection of which still remains with me, and is for the moment the +best weapon against scruples of conscience. + +Now for the start. Would it be right for me to fall in love with Pani +Kromitzka, and in case of success lead her from the path of duty? +First, let us look at it from a point of honor, as people consider it +who call themselves, and whom the world regards as, gentlemen. There +is not a single paragraph there against it. It is one of the queerest +codices ever invented under the sun. If, for instance, I steal +somebody's money, the disgrace falls upon me, and not upon the man who +is robbed, according to the world's rule of honor; but if I rob him of +his wife, it is not I, but the robbed man who is disgraced. What does +it mean? Is it a mere aberration of the moral sense, or is it that +between stealing a man's purse and stealing his wife, there is such +a vast difference that the two cases cannot be even compared? I have +often thought over this, and have come to the conclusion that there +is a great difference. A human being can never be as absolutely a +property as a thing, and the taking away somebody's wife is an act of +a double will. Why should I respect the rights of a husband if his own +wife does not? What is he to me? I meet a woman who wants to be mine, +and I take her. Her husband does not exist for me; her vows are no +affair of mine. What should hold me back? Respect for the matrimonial +institution? But if I loved Pani Kromitzka, I would cry out from the +very depth of my soul: "I protest against this marriage; protest +against her duties towards Kromitzki. I am the worm this marriage has +crushed; and they tell me, writhing in anguish, to respect it,--me, +who would sting it with my last breath." Why; for what reason? What do +I care for a social institution that has wrung from me the last drop +of blood, deprived me of my very existence? Man lives on fish. Go tell +the fish to respect the order that it be skinned alive before being +put on the fire. I protest and sting,--that is my answer. Spencer's +ideal of a finally developed man, in whom the individual impulses will +be in perfect harmony with social laws, is nothing but an assumption. +I know perfectly that such as Sniatynski would demolish my theory with +one question: "You are then for free-love?" No, nothing of the sort. I +am for myself. I do not wish to hear anything about your theories. If +you fall in love with another woman, or your wife with somebody else, +we shall see what becomes of your rules, paragraphs, and respect for +social institutions. At the worst, I might be called inconsequent. I +was inconsequent, too, when I, a sceptic, had a mass offered up for +Leon and Aniela, and prayed like a child, and swallowed my tears like +any fool. In future I will always be inconsequent when it suits me and +makes me happier. There is only one logic in the world,--the logic of +passions. Reason holds the reins for a time, but when the horses tear +along in mad career, she sits on the box and merely watches lest +the vehicle should go to pieces. The human heart cannot be rendered +love-proof, and love is an element strong as tidal waves. The very +gates of hell cannot overcome a woman who loves her husband, for the +marriage vows are only the sealing of love's compact; but if it be +mere duty, the first tide will throw her on the sands like a dead +fish. I cannot bind myself not to let my hair grow, or to remain +always young; and as often as I did so, the laws of nature would take +their course in spite of human bonds. It is strange, but all that I +am writing is pure theory. I have no schemes I need justify before +myself, and yet all these reflections have stirred my soul to such +an extent that I had to leave off writing. My calmness is evidently +artificial. I walked up and down the room for an hour, and at last +found out what disturbed me. + +It is very late. From the windows of my room I see the cupola of the +Invalides gleaming in the moonlight, as once I saw St. Peter's cupola, +when, full of hope, I walked on the Pincio, thinking of Aniela. +Unconsciously I had given myself up to those memories. Whatever there +be or awaits us in the future, one thing is certain: I could have been +happy, and she might be ten, nay, a hundred times happier than she +is. Even now, if I had any hidden schemes, or if she were to me the +greatest temptation, I would respect her unhappiness. I would not hurt +her for anything. The very thought of it would take away my courage +and decision, I had such an amount of tenderness for her. + +But all that is in the past. The sceptic dwelling within me creeps up +again with another question: Would she be really so unhappy? I have +verified, not once, but several times, the fact that women are unhappy +only while they struggle. The battle once over, regardless of the +result, there follows a period of calm and happiness. I knew at one +time a woman in Paris who resisted most persistently for three years. +When at last her heart got the upper hand and she gave in, she only +reproached herself for not having done so sooner. + +But what is the use of putting all these questions or trying to solve +problems? I know that every principle is open to argument, and every +proof to scepticism. The good old times when people doubted everything +except their intelligence to recognize the true from the false, have +gone. At present there is nothing but labyrinths upon labyrinths. +I had better not think of anything but the journey before me. And +Kromitzki sold his wife's ancestral home and thus inflicted on her a +cruel blow! I had to write it down black on white once more, otherwise +I could not believe it. + + +10 April. + +I went towards evening to say good-by to Mrs. Davis, and dropped in +for a regular concert. Laura seems really very fond of music. Miss +Hilst was playing on the harmonium. I always like to see her, but +especially when she sits down to the harmonium, and playing the +prelude, keeps her eyes on the keys. There is so much earnestness and +intentness in her face, combined with calmness. She reminds me of +Saint Cecilia, the most sympathetic of all saints, with whom I should +have fallen in love had she lived in our times. A pity Clara is so +tall; but one forgets it when she is playing. From time to time she +lifts her eyes, as if recalling to memory a note heard somewhere in +the spheres, or seeking inspiration, and she herself looks like +one inspired. She rightly bears the name of Clara, for it would be +difficult to find a more transparent soul. I said I liked to see her; +as to her music, it is still the same; I do not understand it, +or rather I follow her meaning with the greatest difficulty. +Nevertheless, in spite of my satirical remarks, I think she has a +remarkable talent. + +When she had finished I approached her, and still half jestingly said +the time had come and I was ready to escort her to Warsaw according +to our agreement. I was surprised to see her take my proposition so +seriously. She said that she had wanted to go there for some time, and +was quite ready; it was all a question of informing an old relative +who always went with her, and of taking a dumb piano, as she practised +even on her journeys. + +The prospect began to alarm me somewhat. If she goes, I shall have to +help her in getting up a concert; and I would rather go straight on to +Ploszow. As a last resource I could hand her over to Sniatynski, +who would be more useful to her than I. Besides, Miss Hilst is the +daughter of a rich mill-owner at Frankfurt, and it is not a question +of material success with her. The eagerness with which she agreed to +the journey made me thoughtful. I had half a mind to tell her that I +did not object to the dumb piano so much as to the elderly relative. +Men are so prone to lie in wait for women that few approach a young +and pretty one without an after-thought. As to myself, though wholly +absorbed by something else, the idea of the old relative travelling +with us was unpleasant, the more so as my person evidently plays some +part in this so quickly arranged journey. Paris presents a far wider +scope for her musical talent, and she does not care for gain; why +should she be so anxious to go to Warsaw? Laura, as I have said, has +hinted more than once that Miss Hilst has more than a liking for me. A +strange woman, Laura! Clara's innocence excites her envy, but only as +it might be excited by a beautiful jewel, or by rare lace,--with her +it is merely a question of adornment. Maybe for that reason she would +like to push that big child into my arms. She does not care for me any +longer; I am an ornament she has worn already. + +That woman, though unconsciously, has wrought me such irreparable harm +that I ought to hate her, but cannot,--first, because I am conscious +that, had she never crossed my path, I should have probably found some +other means to wreck my happiness; secondly, as Satan is a fallen +angel, so hatred is degenerated love, and I never loved Laura. There +is a little contempt for her, a little dislike, and she returns the +feeling undoubtedly a hundredfold. + +As to Clara's feelings, Laura may be right. To-day I saw it clearer +than ever. If that be the case, I am grateful to her. For the first +time in my life I long for the pure friendship of a woman. A soul so +restless as mine will find solace and comfort in such a friendship. + +We conversed together to-day, Clara and I, like old friends. Her +intelligence is not large, but clear and discerning between bad and +good, ugly and what she considers beautiful; consequently her judgment +is not shifty, but calm and serene. She has that kind of spiritual +healthiness often met with in Germans. Coming across them now and +then I observe that the type I belong to is very rare among them. The +Germans and the English are generally positive and know what they +want. They too are sounding the fathomless depth of doubt, but they +do it methodically as scientists, not as sensitive geniuses without +portfolio like me; in consequence of which their recent transcendental +philosophy, their present scientific pessimism, and their poetic +_Weltschmerz_ have only a theoretical meaning. Their everyday practice +consists in adapting themselves to the rules of life. According to +Hartmann, the more humanity gains in intensity and consciousness. +The more unhappy it grows. The same Hartmann, with the calmness of a +German _Cultur-träger_, becomes practical when he raises his voice +in favor of suppressing the Polish element as detrimental to German +supremacy. But, putting aside this incident, which belongs to the +category of human villanies, Germans do not take theories seriously, +and therefore are always calm and capable of action. This same +calmness Clara possesses. Things which rend and trouble human souls +must have come near her some time or other, but if so they left no +trace and were not absorbed by her; thus she never lost faith in +truth and in her art. If she has any deeper feeling for me than mere +friendship, the feeling is unconscious and does not ask for anything +in return. If it were otherwise, it would be the beginning of her +tragedy, as I could not return her love and might make her unhappy. I +am not so conceited as to think that no woman could resist me, but I +am of the opinion that no woman can resist the man she truly loves. +It is a trite saying that "a fortress besieged is a fortress +surrendered," but there is some truth in it when adapted to woman, +especially when behind the entrenchment of her virtues she harbors +such a traitor as her own heart. But Clara may rest tranquil. We shall +travel peacefully together: she, her old relative, myself, and the +dumb piano. + + +16 April. + +I arrived at Warsaw three days ago, but have not been able to go to +Ploszow as, shortly after my arrival, I got a cold in my teeth and my +face is swollen. I do not wish to show myself to the ladies in that +state. + +I have seen Sniatynski, and my aunt, who has welcomed me as the +prodigal son. Aniela arrived at Ploszow a week ago. Her mother is very +ill, so ill that the doctors who advised her to try Wiesbaden now +declare she could not bear the journey. She will therefore remain +at Ploszow until she recovers--or dies, and Aniela with her, until +Kromitzki winds up his business or thinks it proper to give her a +home. From what my aunt says this may take him some months. I tried to +get from my aunt as much news about Aniela as I could, which is easy +enough, as she speaks about her with perfect freedom. She simply +cannot understand how a married woman could excite any feeling except +in the way of relationship; or rather, she has never even considered +the question. She spoke openly about the sale of Aniela's home, which +she considers a great shame. She got so excited over it as to break +her watch-chain and let the watch roll on the floor. + +"I will tell him so to his face," she said. "I would rather have lent +him the money had I known anything about it. Only what would have been +the use? His speculations are a gulf. I do not know whether any good +will come out of it, but in the meanwhile everything is swallowed up +in it. Let him only come, and I will tell him that he makes Aniela +unhappy, kills her mother, and will end in ruining them and himself." +I asked my aunt whether she had said anything about this to Aniela. + +"To Aniela?" she replied. "I am glad you have come; it relieves my +mind and makes it easier to bear. I cannot speak about it with Aniela. +I tried it once when I could not contain myself any longer. I made +some remark and she grew very angry, then burst out crying and said, +'He was obliged, he was obliged, and could not help it.' She does not +allow anybody to say a word against him, and would like to cover all +his short-comings before the world; but she cannot deceive an old +woman like me, and I know that at the bottom of her heart she must +condemn him as I do." + +"Do you mean she does not love him?" + +My aunt looked at me in unfeigned surprise. + +"Not love him? Of course she loves him. Whom should she love if not +him? That's just where the sting lies; she grieves because she loves +him. But one may love and yet have one's eyes open to what is wrong." + +I had my own opinion on that point, but preferred not to express it, +and allowed my aunt to proceed. + +"What I resent most in him are his lies. He assured Celina and Aniela +that in a year or two he would be able to buy the estate back. Just +tell me, is this possible? and those women believe he is in earnest!" + +"According to my opinion it is quite impossible. Besides, he will go +on speculating." + +"He knows it even better than we do, and yet he goes on lying to the +women." + +"Perhaps he does it to relieve their anxiety." + +My aunt grew angrier still. + +"Relieve their anxiety! fiddlesticks! they would not have had any +anxiety if he had not sold it. Do not defend him, it is of no use. +Everybody blames him. Chwastowski was wild about it. He had looked +into the affairs, and says that without any ready money he could have +cleared the estate himself in a few years. I would have given the +money and so would you, would you not? and now it is too late." + +Presently I inquired about Aniela's health, with a strange, troubled +foreboding I might hear something which, though perfectly natural +and in the order of things, would give a shock to my nerves. My aunt +caught the drift of my thoughts and replied with as much acerbity as +before:-- + +"There is nothing whatever the matter with her. All he could do +he did; that was to sell his wife's estate. No, there is nothing +expected." + +I turned the conversation to something else. I told my aunt I had +arrived together with the celebrated pianist Miss Hilst, who, having +considerable means of her own, wished to give a few concerts gratis. +My aunt is a queer mixture of eccentricities. She began by abusing +Miss Hilst for not coming in winter, when the time for concerts was +more propitious; presently began considering that it was not too late +yet, and wanted to go and call upon her at once. I could scarcely +persuade her to put off her visit until I had told Miss Hilst about +it. My aunt is a patroness of several charitable institutions, and it +is with her a point of honor to get for them as much as she can at the +expense of other institutions, consequently was afraid somebody else +might forestall her with the artist. + +When leaving me she asked, "When are you coming to stay at Ploszow?" + +I replied that I was not going to stay there at all. I had thought of +that during the journey and came to the conclusion that it would be +better to have my headquarters at Warsaw. Ploszow is only six miles +from here, and I can go there in the morning and stay as long as I +like. It is indifferent to me where I live, and my living here will +prevent people talking. Besides, I do not want Pani Kromitzka to think +I am anxious to dwell under the same roof with her. I spoke of this to +Sniatynski, and saw that he fully agreed with me; he seemed anxious to +discuss Aniela with me. Sniatynski is a very intelligent man, but he +does not seem to understand that changed circumstances mean changed +relations, even between the best of friends. He came to me as if I +were the same Leon Ploszowski who, shaking in every limb, asked for +his help at Cracow; he approached me with the same abrupt sincerity, +desiring to plunge his hand up to his elbow under my ribs. I pulled +him up sharply, and he seemed surprised and somewhat angry. Presently +he fell in with my humor, and we talked together as if the last +meeting at Cracow had never taken place. I noticed, nevertheless, +that he watched me furtively, and not being able to make me out tried +indirect inquiry, with all the clumsiness of an author who is a +deep psychologist and reader of the human mind at his desk, and as +unsophisticated as any student in practical life. As Hamlet of yore, I +might have handed him a pipe and said, "Do you think I am easier to be +played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you +can fret me, yet you cannot play upon me." + +I had been reading Hamlet the night before, as I have read it many a +time, and involuntarily these words came into my mind. It seems to +me surpassing strange that a man of my time, in whatever position or +complicated trouble of soul, should find so much analogy to himself +as I find in this drama, based upon Holinshed's sanguinary and gross +legend. Hamlet is the human soul as it was, as it is, and as it will +be. In conceiving this drama, Shakspeare overstepped the limit fixed +even for genius. I can understand Homer and Dante, studied by the +light of their epoch. I can comprehend that they could do what they +did; but how an Englishman of the seventeenth century could foreknow +psychosis, a science of recent growth, will be to me, in spite of my +study of Hamlet, an everlasting mystery. + +Having mentally handed over to Sniatynski Hamlet's pipe, I recommended +to his care Miss Hilst, and then began to discuss his pet theories. +Upon his wanting to know what brought me back, I said it was the +longing for the country, and consciousness of unfulfilled duties +towards it. I said it in a careless, off-hand way, and Sniatynski +looked puzzled, not knowing whether I spoke seriously or mockingly. +And again the same phenomenon of which I spoke in Paris repeated +itself here. The moral ascendency he had gained over me gradually +disappeared. He did not know himself what to think, but he saw the +old key would not serve any longer. When he said good-by I again +recommended to him Miss Hilst. He looked at me keenly. + +"Do you attach much importance to her success?" + +"Yes, very much. She is a person I hold in great esteem, and have much +friendship for." + +In this way I centred all his attention on Miss Hilst. Most likely he +thought I had fallen in love with her. He went away angry, and could +not disguise his feelings. He shut the door sharply; and when I +accompanied him as far as the staircase, and turned back to the +anteroom, I heard him descending the staircase, taking four steps at +once, and whistling,--which he always does when angry. Besides, it was +quite true, what I said about Miss Hilst. I wrote to-day to Clara, +explaining why I had not been to see her, and received a reply at +once. She is delighted with Warsaw, and especially its inhabitants. +All the musical world has called upon her, and they are vying with +each other in politeness and offers of help. Whether they would +be quite as enthusiastic had she come to settle here, is another +question; but Clara has the gift to win friends wherever she goes. She +has already seen something of the town, and was much charmed with the +Sazienki Park and Palace. I am glad she likes it,--the more so as +the country, soon after crossing the frontier, seemed to her rather +depressing. Truly, only those born on the soil can find any charm in +the vast solitary plains, where the eye finds very little to rest +upon. Clara, looking through the carriage window, said more than once: +"Ah! I can understand Chopin now!" She is utterly mistaken,--she does +not understand Chopin and his feelings, any more than she is in touch +with his native land. I, though a cosmopolitan by education, by +atavism understand our nature, and am surprised myself at the spell +a Polish spring casts upon me, and it seems as if I could never +feel tired of it. Properly speaking, what does the view consist of? +Sometimes, on purpose, I put myself into a stranger's place,--a +painter's, having no preconceived ideas about it, and look at it with +his eyes. The landscape then makes upon me the impression as if a +child had drawn it, or a savage, who had no notion about drawing. Flat +fallow-land, wet meadows, huts with their rectangular outline, the +straight poplars around country-seats on the distant horizon, a broad, +flat plain, finished off with a belt of woods,--that "ten miles of +nothing," as the Germans call it; all this reminds me of a first +attempt at drawing landscape. There is scarcely enough for a +background. From the moment I cease looking upon it with a stranger's +eyes, I begin to feel the simplicity of the view, incorporate myself +with that immense breadth, where every outlined object melts into the +far distance, as a soul in Nirvana; it has not only the artistic +charm of primitiveness, but it acts soothingly upon me. I admire the +Apennines; but my spirit is not in touch with them, and sooner or +later they become wearisome. The human being finds a resting-place +only where he is in harmony with his surroundings; and is reminded +that his soul and the soul of nature are of the same organization. +Homesickness springs from the isolation of the soul from its +surroundings. It appears to me that the principle of psychical +relationship could be applied in a still wider sense. It may seem +strange that I, brought up in foreign lands, permeated by their +culture, should harbor such views; but I go farther still, and say +a foreign woman, even the most beautiful, appears to me more as a +species of the female kind than a soul. + +I remember what I wrote at one time concerning Polish women, but one +statement does not contradict the other; I may perceive their faults, +and yet feel myself nearer to them than to strangers. Besides, my old +opinions--at least, the greater part of them--are now in tatters, like +a worn-out garment. + +But enough of this! I notice with a certain shame and surprise +that all I have been writing has been done in order to distract my +thoughts. Yes, that is true. I speak about landscapes, homesickness, +and so forth, while all my thoughts are at Ploszow. I did not want to +acknowledge it, even to myself. I feel restless, and something seems +to weigh me down. It is very probable that my going there and the +getting over the first meeting will be easier and far simpler than I +imagine. Expectancy of anything is always oppressive. When a young +lad, I had a duel; and on the eve of the day I felt troubled. Then, +too, I tried to think of something else, and could not manage it. +My thoughts are not at all tender, not even friendly, towards Pani +Kromitzka; but they swarm around me like angry bees, and I cannot +drive them away. + + +17 April. + +I have been to Ploszow, and found things very different indeed from +what I had pictured to myself. I left Warsaw at seven in the morning +in a cab, counting I should be in Ploszow by eight. The oppressive +feeling still remained with me. I had said to myself that I would not +make any plans about that first meeting, or my future bearing towards +her. Let chance be my guide. But I could not help speculating how +it would be,--how she would greet me, what she would try to make me +understand, and what our future relation to each other would be. Not +having formed any plans of my own, I fancied, I do not know why that +she would want to act according to a well-defined system. Trying to +fathom this, I felt almost inimical towards her. Then again, at the +thought that the meeting might cause her pain, I felt something akin +to pity, and seemed to see her before me as she used to be. I saw +distinctly the low brow with the wealth of auburn hair, the long +eyelashes, and the small, delicate face. I tried to guess how +she would be dressed. Memories came back of words she had said, +expressions of the face, graceful motions, dresses. With strange +pertinacity, the one memory remained with me,--her coming into the +room after she had tried to disguise her emotion by applying powder +to her face. At last these memories became so vivid as to equal a +second-sight. "There she is again," I said to myself; and in order to +pull myself together, I began talking to the driver, and asked him +whether he were married; whereupon he replied that without the old +woman at home, there would be no go, then said something I did not +hear, as I had caught sight of the Ploszow poplars in the distance. I +had not paid any heed to the time we had been on the road. + +At the sight of Ploszow I felt more troubled still, and my eagerness +increased. I tried to pay attention to outward things, changes that +had taken place during my absence, and look at the new buildings on +the road. I repeated to myself mechanically that the weather was very +fine, and the spring exceptionally early this year. And indeed, the +weather was magnificent; the morning air was crisp and transparent; +near the cottages the apple-trees, in full bloom, were scattering +their petals like snowflakes on the grass; it was like a long line of +pictures by the modern school of painters. Wherever the eye turned, +there was that luminous _plein-air_ in the midst of which moved the +figures of people working in the fields or near their cottages. I saw +it all, observed every detail; but, strange to say, I was not able to +take it in, or give myself up to it altogether. The impressions had +lost their absorbing power, and remained only on the surface of the +brain, the brain itself being full of other thoughts. In this state of +divided attention I approached Ploszow. + +Presently the cool air of the lime avenue fanned my face, and I saw +at the other end, far off, the windows of the house. The scattered, +futile thoughts hammered and knocked louder than ever at my brain. I +stopped the driver from going straight to the house, and dismissed +him, I do not know why, at the gate. Followed by his thanks, I went on +foot straight towards the veranda. I cannot explain to myself why I +felt so troubled, unless it was that within these well-known walls +something unknown was awaiting me, which was in close connection with +the tragic past. Crossing the courtyard, I felt such a weight upon my +chest that it obstructed my breath. "What the deuce is the matter with +me?" said I, inwardly. As I had dismissed the cab, nobody had heard me +coming. The hall was empty; I went in to the dining-room to wait until +the ladies came down. + +I knew they would come soon, as the table was laid for breakfast, +and the samovar, whispering and growling, was sending coils of steam +aloft. Again not the slightest detail escaped my notice. I observed +that the room was cool and comparatively dark, as the windows faced +the north. For a moment my attention was fixed on the three luminous +streaks the light from the windows made upon the polished floor. I +looked at the carved sideboard I remembered since a child, and then +recalled the conversation I had in this same room with Sniatynski, and +we looked through the window at his wife and Aniela, in fur boots, +coming from the hot-houses. + +At last a feeling of great solitude and sadness overcame me, and +I went close to the window to get more light and make further +observations in the garden. But all this did not restore my balance of +mind. The only real thought my mind was full of was that I should meet +her in a few minutes. There are people who out of fear are capable of +the most heroic deeds. With me it is different. Fear, uncertainty +of what may come next, rouses me to anger. This happened now. The +difference between the old Aniela and the present Pani Kromitzka +impressed itself upon me more forcibly than ever. "If you borrowed the +very moonbeams for your head-dress, if you were a hundred times +more beautiful than my fancy can paint, you would be as nothing to +me,--less than nothing, because an object of aversion." My anger rose +still, for I fancied that she would come to me in order to point out +my guilt, my wrong-doing; that she would be still desirable, but +unapproachable. "We shall see," I replied inwardly, under the vivid +impression that with this woman there was awaiting me a duel; a +struggle in which I should lose and gain at the same time,--lose the +haunting memories and regain peace. At that moment I felt the power to +overcome any obstacles, repulse any attack. + +Then the door opened quietly, and Aniela came in. + +At the sight of her I felt my brain in a whirl, and my finger-tips +grew icy cold. The being before me bore the name of Pani Kromitzka, +but had the sweet, hundred times beloved features and inexpressible +charm of the Aniela I had known. In the chaotic bewilderment of my +brain there was only one sound I heard distinctly: "Aniela! Aniela! +Aniela!" And she did not see me, or took me for somebody else as I +stood against the light. But when I drew nearer, she raised her eyes +and stood still as if turned into stone. I cannot even describe the +expression of sudden terror, confusion, emotion, and humility which +shone in her face. She had grown white to the lips, and I was afraid +she might faint. When I took her hand it felt as cold as ice. I had +expected anything but that. I thought she would let me know in some +way or other that she was Pani Kromitzka, but there was nothing of the +sort. She stood before me moved, frightened, my former little Aniela. +It was I who had made her unhappy,--I who was guilty, a hundred times +guilty; and at this moment she looked at me as if she herself asked +to be forgiven. The old love, contrition for the past, and pity +overwhelmed me to such a degree that I almost lost my head, and +thought I must take her into my arms, and soothe her with endearing +words, as one soothes a beloved being. I was so agitated by the +unexpected meeting, not with Pani Kromitzka, but Aniela, that I +could only press her hand in silence. And yet I felt obliged to say +something; therefore, pulling myself together, I said, as if in +somebody else's voice,-- + +"Did aunt not tell you I was coming?" + +"Yes; she told me," said Aniela, with an evident effort. + +And then we fell back into silence. I felt that I ought to ask after +her mother, and about herself, but could not force myself to do so. +I wished from my soul somebody would come and deliver us from this +position. Presently my aunt came in with the young Doctor Chwastowski, +the agent's son, who for a month past has had the care of Pani Celina. +Aniela slipped away to pour out the tea, and I began to talk with my +aunt. I had recovered my presence of mind entirely when we sat down to +breakfast. I began now to inquire after Pani Celina's health. My aunt, +telling me about her, appealed every moment to the doctor, who turned +to me with that peculiar shade of superciliousness with which a newly +patented scientist treats outsiders, and at the same time with the +watchfulness of a democrat who is afraid of slights where none are +intended. He appeared to me very conceited; and after all, I treated +him with far greater politeness than he exhibited towards me. This +amused me a little, and helped to keep my thoughts, which the sight +of Aniela confused, under control. From time to time I looked at her +across the table, and repeated to myself: "The same features, the same +little face, the same low brow shaded by a wealth of hair; it is the +same Aniela, almost a little girl, my love, my happiness; and now lost +to me forever." There was inexpressible sweetness in the sensation, +mingled with exquisite pain. Aniela, too, had recovered from her +emotion, but looked still frightened. I tried to draw her into +conversation, speaking about her mother. I was partly successful; she +seemed a little more at ease, and said,-- + +"Mamma will be very glad to see you." + +I permitted myself a doubt as far as her mother was concerned, but +listened to her voice with half-closed eyes; it was sweeter to me than +any music. + +We were conversing more freely every moment. My aunt was in excellent +spirits,--first, because of seeing me once more at Ploszow, and also +because she had seen Clara and got from her the promise of a concert. +When leaving the artist she had met two other ladies, patronesses of +charitable institutions, ascending the staircase bent on the same +errand. They were too late, and that had put her in a high good-humor. +She asked me a great many questions about Clara, who had made an +excellent impression upon her. Towards the end of breakfast, to +satisfy my aunt's curiosity, I had to say something about my travels. +She was amazed to hear I had been as far as Iceland, and asked what it +looked like; she then remarked,-- + +"One must be desperate to go to such places as that." + +"Yes; I did not feel very cheerful when I went." + +Aniela looked at me for a moment, and there was that hunted, +half-frightened expression in her eyes again. If she had put her hand +upon my naked heart she could not have given it a sharper pull. The +more I had prepared myself for an exhibition of triumphant coldness +and satisfaction at my disappointment, the more I felt crushed now by +that angelic compassion. All my calculations and foresight had been +put to naught. I supposed she could not help showing herself off as a +married woman. And now I had to remind myself that she was married; +but in the recollection there was no loathing, nothing but +inexpressible sorrow. + +It is in my nature that in every moral suffering I try to reopen my +wounds. I wanted to do that even now by speaking about her husband; +but I could not do it. It seemed to me cruel, almost a profanation. +Instead of that I said that I should like to see her mother, if she +were able to receive me. Aniela went to see, and presently came back +and said,-- + +"Mamma will be pleased to see you." + +We crossed to the other side of the house, my aunt going with us. I +wanted to say a kind word to Aniela so as to put her more at ease; but +my aunt was in the way; presently I thought it would be even better if +I said it within my aunt's hearing. Near the door, leading into Pani +Celina's rooms, I stopped and, turning to Aniela, said,-- + +"Give me your hand, my dear little sister." + +Aniela put her hand into mine; I saw her eyes lighting up with +gratitude for the words "little sister," and the pressure of her hand +seemed to say:-- + +"Oh! let us be friends! let us forgive each other!" + +"I hope you two will agree together," muttered my aunt. + +"We shall, we shall; he is so good!" replied Aniela. + +And truly, my heart was very full of good-will at that moment. + +Entering Pani Celina's room, I greeted her very cordially, but she +replied with a certain constraint, and I am sure she would have +received me with still greater coldness had she not feared to +offend my aunt. But I was not hurt by this; her resentment is quite +justifiable. Maybe, in her mind, she connects me with the loss of her +estate, and thinks all this would not have happened if I had acted +differently. I found her much changed. For some time she has been +confined to her invalid chair, on which they wheel her on fine days +into the garden. Her face, always delicate, looked as if moulded in +wax. There are still traces that show how beautiful she must have +been, and at the same time so unhappy. + +I asked after her health, and expressed the hope that, with the return +of the fine weather, she would soon recover her strength. She listened +with a sad smile, and shook her head; two tears rolled silently down +her face. + +Then, fixing her sad eyes upon me, she said,-- + +"You know Gluchow has been sold?" + +This evidently is the thought ever present,--her continual sorrow and +gnawing trouble. + +When Aniela heard the question she grew very red. It was a painful +blush, because a blush of shame and sorrow. + +"Yes, I have heard," I said quickly. "Perhaps it can be recovered; if +so, nothing is lost; and if not, you must submit to God's will." + +Aniela cast a grateful glance at me, and Pani Celina said,-- + +"I have lost all hope." + +It was not true; she still clung to the delusion that the estate might +be recovered. Her eyes looked hungrily at me, waiting for the words +which might confirm her secret hopes. I resolved to gratify her wish, +and said,-- + +"It seems to have been a case of necessity, and I do not see how any +one can be blamed for it. Yet there are no obstacles which cannot be +overcome where there is a will and adequate means. Sometimes it has +happened that a sale has been invalidated in law from some omission of +formality." + +By the bye, this was not strictly true; but I saw it was balm to +Pani Celina's sore heart. I had also stood up for Kromitzki, without +mentioning his name, which neither of the others had done in my +presence. + +To say the truth it was not generosity which prompted me, but rather a +desire to conciliate Aniela, and show myself before her in the light +of goodness and nobility. + +And Aniela was grateful; for, when we had left the room, she came out +to me, and, stretching out her hand, said,-- + +"Thank you for being so good to mamma." + +For all answer I raised her hand to my lips. + +My aunt too seemed touched by my goodness. I left her and, lighting a +cigar, went into the park for a quiet stroll to collect my thoughts +and impressions; but I met there the young doctor who was taking +his morning constitutional. As I wished to conciliate every one at +Ploszow, I went up to him, and asked him, with the special regard due +to science and authority, what he thought about Pani Celina's chances +of regaining her health. I saw that this flattered him a little, and +gradually he began to lose some of his democratic stiffness, and +enlarged upon the theme of Pani Celina's illness with the ready +eagerness of a young scientist who has had no time yet to doubt his +powers. In speaking, he used every now and then Latin expressions, as +if addressing a colleague. His strong, healthy frame, a certain power +of speech and eye impressed me favorably. I saw in him a type of that +new generation Sniatynski at one time had spoken of to me. Walking +along the avenues, we had one of the so-called intellectual +conversations, which consist a great deal in quoting names of books +and authors. Chwastowski is thoroughly acquainted with certain +subjects; but I have read more, and this seemed to astonish him not a +little. At moments he looked almost vexed, as if he considered it an +encroachment upon his own territory that I, an aristocrat, should know +so much about certain books and authors. But then again I won his +approbation by the liberality of my opinions. My liberality consists +merely in a kind of tolerance for other people's views, and looking +upon them without party feeling; and that from a man of my position +and wealth was sufficient to win over the young radical. At the end +of our conversation we felt towards each other as men do who have +understood each other, and agreed on many points. + +Most likely I shall be the exception of the rule as regards Doctor +Chwastowski. As in my country every nobleman has his particular Jew in +whom he believes,--though he dislikes the race in general,--so every +democrat has his aristocrat for whom he feels a special weakness. + +When going away I asked Doctor Chwastowski about his brothers. He said +that one of them had a brewery at Ploszow, which I knew already from +my aunt's letter; a second had a bookshop at Warsaw; and a third, +who had been at a mercantile school, had gone as assistant with Pan +Kromitzki to the East. + +"It is the brewer who has the best of it just now," he said; "but +we all work, and in time shall win good positions. It was lucky our +father lost his fortune; otherwise every one of us would sit on his +bit of land 'glebae adscripti,' and in the end lose it as my father +did." + +In spite of the preoccupation of my mind I listened with a certain +interest. "There are, then," I said to myself, "people that are neither +over-civilized nor steeped in ignorance. There are those that can do +something and thus form the intermediate, healthy link between decay +and barbarism." It is possible that this social strata mostly exists +in bigger towns, where it is continually recruited by the influx +of the sons of bankrupt noblemen, who adapt themselves to burgher +traditions of work, and bring to it strong nerves and muscles. I then +recalled what Sniatynski once said when I left him: "From such as you +nothing good can come; your fathers must first lose all they have, +else even your grandsons will not work." And here are Chwastowski's +sons who take to it, and push on in the world by help of their own +strong shoulders. I, too, perhaps, had I no fortune, should have to do +something, and should acquire that energy of decision in which I have +been wanting all my life. + +The doctor left me presently as he had another patient at Ploszow, a +young cleric from the Warsaw seminary, the son of one of the Ploszow +peasants. He is in the last stage of consumption. My aunt has given +him a room in one of the out-buildings, where she and Aniela look +after him. When I heard of this I went to pay him a visit, and +instead of the dying man I expected to see, I found a young, rather +thin-looking lad, but bright and full of life. The doctor says it +is the last flicker of the lamp. The young cleric was nursed by his +mother, who, upon seeing me, overwhelmed me with a shower of gratitude +copious enough to drown myself in. + +Aniela did not visit the sick man that day, but remained with her +mother. I saw her only at dinner, at which also the mother was present +in her invalid's chair. It is only natural that Aniela should devote +her time to her mother, and yet I fancy she does it partly to avoid +being alone with me. In time our mutual relations will establish +themselves upon an easier footing, but I quite understand that at +first it will be a little awkward. Aniela has so much intelligence of +heart, so much goodness and sensibility, that she cannot look upon our +present position with indifference, and has not worldly experience +enough to preserve an appearance of ease. This practice comes with +later years, when the live spring of feelings begins to dry up and the +mind acquires a certain conventionality. + +I had let Aniela see there was no resentment in my heart towards her, +and I shall not allude even to the past, and for that reason did not +try to see her alone. In the evening during tea we discussed general +topics. My aunt questioned me about Clara, who interests her very +much. I told her all I knew about her, and from that we drifted into +conversation about artists generally. My aunt looks upon them as +people sent into the world by kind Providence to give performances for +the benefit of charitable institutions. I maintained that artists, +provided their hearts were pure and not filled with vanity and love of +self, might be the happiest creatures in the world, as they are always +in contact with something infinite and absolutely perfect. From life +comes all evil, from art only happiness. This was, indeed, my point of +view, supported by observation. Aniela agreed with me, and if I took +note of the conversation it is because I was struck by a remark of +Aniela's, simple in itself, but to me full of meaning. When we spoke +about the contentment arising from art she said: "Music is a great +consoler." + +I saw in this involuntary confession that she is unhappy, and is +conscious of it. Besides, in regard to that, I never had any doubts. +Even the face is not the face of a happy woman. If anything, it is +more beautiful than before,--apparently calm, even serene; but there +is none of that light which springs from inward happiness, and there +is a certain preoccupation that was not there formerly. In the course +of the day I noticed that her temples have a slight yellow tint like +that of ivory. I looked at her with an ever renewed delight, comparing +her to the Aniela of the past. I could not get enough of this +exchange of memories with reality. There is something so irresistibly +attractive in Aniela that had I never seen her before, if she were +among thousands of beautiful women and I were told to choose, I should +go straight to her and say: "This one and no other." She answers +so exactly to the feminine prototype every man carries in his +imagination. I fancy she must have noticed that I watched and admired +her. + +I left at dusk. I was so shaken by the sensations of the day, so +utterly different from all my preconceived ideas, that I had lost the +power of dissecting my thoughts. I expected to find Pani Kromitska, +and found Aniela; I put it down once more. God only knows what will +be the consequence of this for us both. When I think of it I have the +sensation of a great happiness, and also a slight disappointment. And +yet I was right, theoretically, in expecting those psychical changes +which necessarily take place in a woman after she is married, and I +might easily be led to think she would show in some way that she was +glad she had not chosen me. There is not another woman who would have +denied herself that satisfaction of vanity. And as I know myself, my +sensitiveness and my nerves, I could take my oath on it, that if such +had been the case I should have been now full of bitterness, anger, +and sarcasm,--but cured. In the mean while, things have fallen +out differently,--altogether differently. She is a being of such +unfathomable goodness and simplicity that the measure I have for +goodness is not large enough for her. + +What will happen next, what will happen to me or to her, I cannot say. +My life might have run on quietly towards that ocean where all life is +absorbed,--now it may run like a cataract down to a precipice. Let it +be so. At the worst I can only be a little more unhappy, that is +all. Until now I have not been lying on a bed of roses, with that +consciousness of my useless life continually before me. + +I do not remember; somebody, was it my father? said that there must +always be something growing within us, that such is the law of +nature. It is true. Even in the desert the forces of life hidden in +the depth bring forth palms in the oasis. + + +21 April. + +I live nominally at Warsaw, but have spent four consecutive days at +Ploszow. Pani Celina is better, but the cleric Latyzs died the day +before yesterday. Doctor Chwastowski says it was a splendid case of +pulmonary consumption, and with difficulty conceals his satisfaction +that he foretold the exact course of the disease up to the last hour. +We had been to see the young man twelve hours before he died. He was +quite merry with us, and full of hope because the fever had left him, +which was only a sign of weakness. Yesterday, when sitting with Aniela +on the veranda, the cleric's mother came up to tell us about his +death, in her own quaint way, in which sorrow blended with quiet +submission to the inevitable. In my pity for her, there was a great +deal of curiosity, for up to now I had not much occasion to see +anything of the inner life of the peasants. What quaint expressions +they use! I tried to remember her words in order to note them down. + +She embraced my knees, then Aniela's, after which she put the outside +of her hands over her eyes, and began to wail: "O little Jesus, +dear--O Maria, holiest of Virgins! He is dead, my poor lamb, dead! He +was eager to see the Lord face to face; more eager than to stop with +his little father and mother! Nothing could hold him back, not even +the ladies' cares! Wine he had in plenty, and good food, and that +could not save him; O little Jesus, dear! O holiest of Virgins! O +Jesus mine!" + +In her voice there was certainly a mother's sorrow! but what struck me +most was the modulation of the voice, as if set to some local music. I +never heard before the peasants lament their dead, but I am quite +sure they all do it in more or less the same way, as if according to +certain rules. + +Tears were trembling on Aniela's eyelashes, and with that peculiar +goodness only women are capable of, she began to inquire into the +details of his death, guessing that it would soothe the poor woman to +speak about it. + +And in fact she began at once most eagerly:-- + +"When the priest had left him I said thus: 'Whether you die or not is +in God's hands! You are nicely prepared now, so lay ye down and go to +sleep.' Says he: 'Very well, little mother,' and fell in a doze, and +I too; as, not reproaching the Lord with it, I had not had a proper +sleep for three nights. At the first crow my old man comes in and +wakes me; thus we were both sitting there, and he still asleep. I says +to the old man: 'Is he gone?' and he says, 'Happen and he is gone.' I +pulled him by the hand; he opened his eyes and said: 'I feel better +now.' Then he remained quite still for about five _paters_ and _aves_, +and smiled toward the ceiling. This made me angry, and I says: 'Oh, +you good-for-nothing, how can you laugh at my misery? But he only +smiled at death, not at my misery, for he began breathing very hard, +and that was all he did until the sun rose." + +She began moaning again, and then invited us to come and see the body, +as he was dressed already, and looked as beautiful as a picture. +Aniela wanted to go at once, but I held her back; besides, the woman +had already forgotten all about it, and began now lamenting her +poverty. Her husband, it seems, had been a well-to-do peasant +proprietor, but they had spent every bit of money upon their son's +education. Acre after acre had been bought by the neighbors, and at +present they had nothing but the hut,--no land whatever. One thousand +two hundred roubles he had cost them. They had hoped to find a shelter +for their old age with him at a parsonage, and now God had taken him. +The old woman declared, with all the stoicism of the peasant, that +they had already made their plans, and would go a begging. She seemed +not afraid of it, and spoke of it with a kind of half-concealed +satisfaction. She was only afraid the community might raise +difficulties about the certificate, which, for some reason unknown +to me, seemed to be necessary for the new profession. Hundreds of +realistic details mingled with the calling upon the Lord Jesus, the +Holy Virgin, and laments over the dead son. Aniela went into the +house, and returned presently with some money for the woman. I +arrested her hand; another idea, I thought good at the time, had +crossed my mind. + +"So you spent a thousand two hundred roubles on your son?" I said to +the woman. + +"That's so, please the gracious Pan. We thought when he got his church +we would go and live with him. The Almighty willed it otherwise; no +church for us now, but the church door" (place where beggars sit). + +"I will give you the thousand two hundred roubles; you can buy some +land if you like, and start fresh again." + +I should have given it at once, but had not enough money by me; I +intended to take it from my aunt, and told the woman to come back for +it in an hour. She stared at me with wide-open eyes, without saying a +word, and then with a cry fell down at my feet. But I got rid of her +and her gratitude very soon, as she was in a hurry to be off to tell +her husband the good news. + +I remained alone with Aniela, who seemed moved deeply, and who +repeated:-- + +"How good you are! how good you are!" + +"There is not much goodness in it," I said in a careless manner. "I +did not do it for these people I have seen for the first time in my +life. I did it because you care for them,--to please you." It was +true; they did not interest me more than any other people would in +the same position, but I would have given ten times as much to please +Aniela. I said it on purpose, as words like these said to a woman +carry a deep meaning. It is almost the same as if I told her, "I would +do anything for you, because you are everything to me." And, moreover, +no woman can defend herself against a tacit confession such as this, +or has any right to be offended. I had disguised the meaning, treating +it as the most natural thing in the world; but Aniela perceived the +drift, and lowering her eyes in evident confusion, said: "I must go +back now to mamma," and left me alone. + +I am quite aware that in acting thus I introduce a disturbing element +into Aniela's soul. I perceive, too, with surprise, that if, on the +one hand, my conscience cries out against this wilful destroying of +the peace of the one being for whom I would give my life, on the other +hand, it causes me a savage delight, as if thereby I satisfied man's +innate instinct of destruction. I have also the conviction that no +consciousness of evil, or sting of conscience, will stop me. I am too +headstrong to let anything stand in my way, especially in presence of +that powerful, inexpressible spell she has cast upon me. I am now as +that Indian who threw away his oar, and gave himself up to fate. I +do not reflect now that it was my fault, that all might have been so +different, and that I had only to stretch out my hand to secure +the happiness I am now yearning for in vain. But it could not be +otherwise. I have come to the conclusion that generations which had +lost all vital power, have made me what I am; that nothing remains but +to cast away the oars and let myself drift with the current. + +This morning we three--my aunt, Aniela, and I--went to the funeral of +the young cleric. + +It was a strange sight, this village procession headed by the priest, +the coffin on a cart, followed by a crowd of peasants, men and women +who were singing a tune sad and weird as if set to some Chaldean +music. At the furthest end, the men and women were talking to each +other in a drawling, half-sleepy way. Going along, among the rowan +trees, the procession came now and then into the glare of the sun, and +then the kerchiefs flashed into flames of blue, and red, and yellow, +which but for the coffin and the incense of juniper berries, made the +procession rather look like a wedding than a funeral. Death does not +seem to make much impression upon the rustic mind; perhaps they regard +it in the light of an everlasting holiday. As we stood by the open +grave, I noticed their faces following the ceremony with concentrated +attention and curiosity; but I saw no trace of thoughtfulness or +reflection at the inexorable end, after which begins the great, +terrible Unknown. + +I looked at Aniela as she stooped for a handful of soil to throw upon +the lowered coffin. She was paler than usual, and with the sun shining +upon her I could read the transparent features as an open book. I was +certain she was thinking of her own death. To me it seemed simply +monstrous, a horrible improbability, that this face so full of +expression, so full of life and charming individuality, should at some +time be stony white and remain in eternal darkness. + +And as if a sudden frost had nipped all my thoughts, I grew suddenly +conscious that the first ceremony I assisted at with Aniela was a +funeral. As a person in long sickness, having lost faith in medicine, +turns to quack doctors and wise women, so the sick soul, doubting +everything, still clings to certain superstitions. + +Probably no one is so near the gulf of mysticism as the absolute +sceptic. Those who have lost faith in religious and sociological +ideals, those whose belief in the power of science and the human +intellect is shaken, that whole mass of highly cultured people, +uncertain of their way, deprived of all dogmas, hopelessly struggling +in the dark, drift more and more towards mysticism. It seems to spring +up everywhere,--the usual reaction of a society whose life is based +upon positivism, the overthrow of ideals, empty pleasures, and +soulless striving after gain. The human spirit begins to burst its +shell, which is too narrow, too much like a stock exchange. One epoch +draws to an end, and then appears a simultaneous evolution in all +directions. It has struck me often with amazement that, for instance, +the more recent great writers seem not to know how very close upon +mysticism they are. Some of them are conscious of it, and confess so +openly. In every book I opened lately, I found, not the human soul, +will, and personal passions, but merely fatal forces with all +the characteristics of terrible beings, independent of personal +manifestations, living alone within themselves, like Goethe's +"Mother." + +As regards myself, I too come near the brink. I see it and am not +afraid. The abyss attracts; personally it attracts me so much that if +I could I would go to the very bottom, and will some time when I am +able. + + +28 April. + +I intoxicate myself with the life at Ploszow, the daily sight of +Aniela, and forget that she belongs to somebody else. Kromitzki, who +is somewhere at Baku, or further still, appears to me as something +unreal, a being deprived of real existence, something bad that might +come down upon us, as for instance, death, but of which one does not +think continually. But yesterday something happened to bring him +before my mind. It was a small and apparently most natural incident. +Aniela received at breakfast two letters. My aunt asked whether they +were from her husband, and she replied, "Yes." Hearing that, I felt +the sensation a condemned man may feel when they rouse him from +a sweet dream in order to tell him to have his hair cut for the +guillotine. I saw my whole misfortune more distinctly than ever +before, and the sensation remained with me the whole day, especially +as my aunt, quite unconsciously, of course, was bent upon torturing me +further. Aniela wanted to put off the reading of the letters, but +my aunt insisted upon her opening them, and presently inquired how +Kromitzki was. + +"Thank you, aunty, he is very well." + +"And how are his affairs going on?" + +"Thank God! he writes that everything prospers beyond expectation." + +"When does he think of coming back?" + +"He says as soon as he can possibly manage." + +And I, with my sensitiveness, had to listen to these questions and +answers. If my aunt and Aniela had started unexpectedly a quite +improbable cynical conversation it could not have shocked me more. +The first time since my arrival at Ploszow I felt something like +resentment towards Aniela. "Have a little mercy at least, and do not +speak of that man in my presence; do not return thanks for being asked +after him, and say 'Thank God!' because he is prosperous," I thought. +In the mean time she had opened the second letter, and looking at the +date, said: "It has been written at an earlier date;" then began +to read. I looked at the bowed head, the parting of the hair, the +drooping lashes--and it seemed to me that the reading lasted very +long. I thought what a world of mutual interests and aims bound these +two together, and that for some indispensable reason they must feel +that they belonged to each other. I felt that I had no part in it, and +that by force of circumstances I should always be outside her life +even if I won her love. Up to now I had felt the depth of my misery +as one sees the depth of a precipice veiled by clouds. Now the mist +lifted, I looked down and comprehended its whole extent. + +My nature is so constituted that under great pressure it resists. Up +to the present my love had not dared to ask for anything, but at this +moment hatred began to clamor loudly for the abolition of merciless +laws, those ties and bondages. Aniela did not read many minutes, but +during that time I ran through a whole gamut of tortures, because +other thoughts relating to my self-analysis and criticism were +haunting me. I said to myself that the agitation, the very bitterness +I felt, were nothing but the ridiculous characteristics of female +ill-humor. How is it possible to live with nerves such as mine? If +such a simple thing as a letter from the husband to his wife makes you +lose your balance, what will happen when he himself comes to claim +her? + +I said to myself: "I will kill him!" and at the same time I felt the +ridiculousness and folly of the answer. + +Aniela having finished her letters noticed at once that something was +amiss, and looked at me with troubled eyes. Hers is one of those sweet +dispositions that cannot bear to see unfriendly faces, or live in an +atmosphere of cold displeasure. This springs from a great tenderness +of heart. I remember how uneasy she used to be when first she +witnessed the disputes between my aunt and Chwastowzki. Now she was +evidently ill at ease. She began to speak about the concert and Clara, +but her eyes seemed to say: "What have I done, what is the matter with +you?" I merely replied by a cold glance, not being able to forgive her +either the letters or her conversation with my aunt. After breakfast I +rose at once and said I was obliged to go back to Warsaw. + +My aunt wanted me to stop to dinner; after which, according to our +agreement, we were to start together for the concert. But I pleaded +some business; the truth was I wanted to be alone. I gave orders for +the carriage to be ready, and then my aunt remarked:-- + +"I should like to show some gratitude to Miss Hilst, and thought of +inviting her to Ploszow for the day." + +Evidently my aunt considers an invitation to Ploszow such a great +reward that she doubted whether it would not be out of all proportion. + +After a moment's pause she began again:-- + +"If I were quite sure that she is of a proper standing." + +"Miss Hilst is a personal friend of the queen of Roumania," I +replied, a little impatiently; "and if there be any honor, it will be +altogether on our side." + +"Well, well," muttered my aunt. + +"You will come with us to the concert?" I said, turning to Aniela. + +"I am afraid not. I shall have to remain with mamma; and besides, I +have some letters to write." + +"Oh! if it is a question of wifely tenderness I will not insist." + +This ironical remark gave me a momentary relief. "Let her be aware +that I am jealous," I thought; "she herself, her mother, and my aunt +belong to those women of the angelic kind, who do not believe there +can be any evil in the world. Let her understand that I love her, +become familiar with the thought, troubled by it, and fight it. To +bring into her soul a strange, decomposing element, a ferment like +this, is half the battle. We shall see what will happen afterwards." + +It was a momentary but great relief, and very much like a wicked +delight. But presently, when alone in the carriage, I felt angry with +myself and disgusted,--disgusted because I became conscious of the +littleness of all I had thought and felt, based as it was upon +overstrung and fanciful nerves worthy an hysterical woman, not a man. +It was a heavy journey, far heavier than the one when after my return +from abroad I went the first time to Ploszow. I was reflecting upon +that terrible incapacity for life which casts its shadow upon my +existence and the existence of those like me, and came to the +conclusion that its main source is the feminine element which +predominates in our character. I do not mean by this that we are +physically effeminate or wanting in manly courage. No! it is something +quite different. Courage and daring we are not deficient in; but as +regards psychical elements, every one of us is a she, not a he. There +is in, us a lack of the synthetic faculty which distinguishes +things that are important from those that are not. The least matter +discourages, hurts, and repulses us; in consequence of which we +sacrifice very great things for small ones. My past is a proof +thereof. I sacrificed inexpressible happiness, my future and the +future of the beloved woman, because I had read in my aunt's letter +that Kromitzki wished to marry her. My nerves took the bit between +their teeth, and carried me where I did not wish to go. This was +nothing but a disease of the will. But it is a feminine disease, not +a masculine one. Is it to be wondered at that I act as an hysterical +woman? It is a misfortune I brought with me into the world, to which +whole generations have contributed their share, as also the conditions +of life in which we exist. + +The shaking myself thus free from all responsibility did not give me +any relief. When I arrived at Warsaw I intended to call upon Clara, +but was prevented by a severe headache; which got better towards +evening before my aunt came up. + +She found me already dressed, and we drove together to the concert, +which was a great success. Clara's fame had attracted the whole +musical and intelligent world, and the charitable purpose the +aristocratic circles. I saw many people there I knew, among them +Sniatynski and his wife. The concert room was crowded. But I was out +of humor, and everything irritated me. I do not know why, but I felt +afraid Clara's performance would be a failure. When she appeared on +the platform a programme clung to the folds of her dress; I thought it +would make her appear ridiculous. She herself in full evening dress +seemed to me more like a stranger than a friend. I involuntarily asked +myself whether it was the same Clara I was so intimate with. When +the hearty applause had ceased she sat down to the piano, and I +acknowledged to myself that she had a noble and artistic presence, +full of simplicity and quite free of any affectation. On all +faces there was the concentrated attention of people who have no +understanding of art, but like to pass for connoisseurs and judges. +She played Mendelssohn's concerto, which I know by heart,--but whether +it was the thought that much was expected from her, or that the +unusually enthusiastic reception had moved her, she played worse +than I had ever heard her. I was sorry for it and looked at her with +astonishment; our eyes met for a moment. The expression of my face put +the final touch to her confusion, and I heard a few dim notes without +force or expression. I was quite sure now she would fail. Never had +the piano, with its lack of continuity, its sound smothered by the +acoustic properties of the room, seemed to me a more miserable +instrument. At times it seemed as if I heard the sharp, staccato +sounds of a harp. Presently Clara recovered her self-possession, but +upon the whole I thought she had played but indifferently. I was very +much surprised indeed when after she had finished there rose such a +storm of applause as I had not heard even in Paris, where Clara was +received with exceptional enthusiasm. During the short pause, amateurs +and professionals began discussing the music, and in their animated +faces I read perfect satisfaction. The cheering lasted until Clara +reappeared on the platform. She stepped forth with downcast eyes, and +I who could read her face saw what she wanted to express: "You are +very kind, and I thank you for it; but it was not good and I feel +inclined to cry." I too had applauded with the rest, for which I +received a passing glance full of reproach. Clara loves her art too +much to be gratified by undeserved applause. I felt sorry for her, and +should have liked to say a few encouraging words, but the continued +cheering did not permit her to leave the platform. She sat down again +and played Beethoven's Sonata in cis-moll, which was not on the +programme. There is, I believe, no composition in the whole world that +shows with the same distinctness the soul torn by tragic conflict; +especially in the third part of the Sonata, the _Presto-agitato_. The +music evidently responded to the tune of Clara's soul, and certainly +harmonized with my own disposition, for never had I heard Beethoven +interpreted and understood like this before. I am not a musician, but +I suppose even musicians do not know how much there is in that Sonata. +I cannot find another word than "oppressiveness" to describe the +sensation wrought upon the audience. One had a feeling as if mystical +rites were being performed; there rose before me a vast desert, not of +this world, weird and unutterably sad, without shape, half lit up by a +ghostly moon, in the midst of which hopeless despair waited and +sobbed and tore its hair. It was terrible and impressive because so +unearthly; and yet irresistibly attractive,--never had my spirit +come in such close proximity to the infinite. It was almost an +hallucination. I imagined that in the shapeless desert, in the dusk of +a world of shadows, I was searching for somebody dearer to me than the +whole world, one without whom I could not and would not live, and I +searched with the conviction that I should have to search forever and +never find what I was looking for. My heart was so oppressed that at +times I could scarcely breathe. I paid no attention to the mechanical +part of the execution, which no doubt was as perfect as the +expression. + +All in the room seemed under the same spell, not excepting Clara +herself. + +When she left off playing she remained for a moment with uplifted head +and eyes, lips slightly parted, and face very pale. And it was not +a mere concert effect, it was real inspiration and forgetfulness of +self. + +There was a great hush in that crowd, as if they expected something, +or were benumbed by sorrow, or tried to catch the last echo of sobbing +despair, carried away by a wind from the other world. + +Presently there happened what probably never happened in a concert +room before. A great tumult arose, and such an outcry as if a +catastrophe were threatening the whole audience. Several musicians +and reporters approached the platform. I saw their heads bowed over +Clara's hands, she had tears on her eyelashes, her face looked still +inspired, but calm and serene. I went with the others to press her +hands. + +From the first moment of our acquaintance Clara had always addressed +me in French; now for the first time, returning the pressure of my +hand, she said in German: + +"Haben Sie mich verstanden?" + +"Ja," I replied, "und ich war sehr unglücklich!" And it was true. + +The continuation of the concert was one great triumph. After the +performance Sniatynski and his wife carried Clara off to their house. +I had no wish to go there. When I reached home, I felt so tired that +without undressing I threw myself upon the sofa, and remained there an +hour without moving, yet not asleep. + +After a long time I became conscious that I had been thinking about +the young cleric's funeral, Aniela, and death. I rung for lights, and +then began to write. + + +29 April. + +Kromitzki's letters have stirred me to such a degree that I cannot +get over the impression. My unreasonable resentment towards Aniela is +passing, and the more I feel how undeserved was my harshness, the more +contrite I become, and the more tenderly I think of her. Yet more +clearly than ever I see how these two are bound by the power of a +simple fact. Since yesterday I have been in the clutches of these +thoughts, and that is the reason I did not go to Ploszow. There I +am obliged to keep watch upon myself and to put on an appearance +of calmness, and at present I could not do it. Everything within +me--thoughts, feelings, nerves--has risen up in revolt against what +has been done. I do not know whether there can be a more desperate +state of mind than when we do not agree with something, protest with +every fibre of heart and brain, and at the same time feel powerless +in presence of an accomplished fact. I understand that this is only a +foretaste of what is awaiting me in the future. There is nothing to be +done,--nothing. She is married, is Pani Kromitzka; she belongs to him, +will always belong to him; and I who cannot consent, for to do so +would mean losing my own self, am obliged to consent. I might as well +protest against the earth turning round as against that other law +which bids a woman stand by her husband. Does this mean that I ought +to respect that law? How can I submit when my whole being cries out +against it? At moments I feel inclined to go away, but I understand +perfectly that beyond this woman the world has for me as much meaning +as death,--that is, nothingness; moreover, I know beforehand that I +shall not go, because I could not muster strength enough to do so. +Sometimes I have thought that human misery goes far beyond human +imagination,--imagination has its limits, and misery, like the vast +seas, appears to be without end. It seems to me that I am floating on +those seas. But no,--there is still something for me to do. + +I read once, in Amiel's memoirs, that the deed is only the +crystallized matter of thought. But thoughts may remain in the +abstract,--not so feelings. Theoretically I was conscious of it +before; it is only now I have come to prove it actually on myself. +From the time of my arrival at Ploszow until now, I have never clearly +and distinctly said to myself that I wanted to win Aniela's love, but +it was merely a question of words. In reality I know that I wanted +her, and want her still. Every look of mine, every word, and all my +actions are tending that way. Affection which does not include desire +and action is a mere shadow. Let it be understood,--I want her. I want +to be for Aniela the most beloved being, as she is to me. I want to +win her love, all her thoughts, her soul; and I do not intend to put +any limit to my desires. I shall do everything my heart dictates, and +use all means my intelligence sees most efficient to win her. I shall +take from Kromitzki as much of Aniela as I can; I shall take her from +him altogether if she be willing. In this way I shall have an aim in +life; shall know why I wake up in the morning, take nourishment during +the day, and recuperate myself in sleep. I shall not be happy; for I +could be happy only if she were exclusively my own, and I could crush +the man who had her before me. But I shall have something at least to +live for. It will be my salvation. And this is not a resolution taken +upon the spur of the moment; it is only a translation into words of +all the forces that work within me,--the will and the desires which +belong to the feeling and make an indivisible part of it. + +I throw all my scruples to the winds. Even the fear that Aniela might +be unhappy loving me must give way before the great truth, great +as the universe, that the presence of Love fills the life; gives +sustenance to it, and is a hundred thousand times worth more than +emptiness and nothingness of existence. + +Thousands of years ago it was known to the world that virtue and +righteousness alone give power to life; that emptiness and nothingness +dwell in the realm of evil. The moment when that dear head rests on my +breast, when the beloved lips meet mine, truth and goodness will be +with us. In the midst of doubts which crowd my brain, that one truth +shines clearly,--of this I can say I believe in it. At last I have +found something certain in life. I know perfectly what a gulf there is +between my belief and the small conventional moralities created for +every-day use. I know that to Aniela it will be a strange, fearsome +world; but I will take her by the hand and lead her there, because +I can tell her with sincere conviction that there are truth and +goodness. + +I find great solace in these thoughts. The greater part of the day +passed miserably enough, because of the consciousness of my impotency +to overcome the obstacles that stand in our, mine and Aniela's, way. +The thought crossed my mind: "Suppose, after all, she loves her +husband?" + +Fortunately for me, a visit from Doctor Chwastowski interrupted my +train of thoughts. He had come from Ploszow to consult with one of the +physicians who at some time had attended Pani Celina. Before going +back he had come to see me. He said Pani Celina was still neither +better nor worse, but Pani Kromitzka was confined to her room with a +severe headache. Then he began to speak about Aniela, and I listened +with pleasure, as it seemed in some way to make up for the loss of +seeing her. He spoke intelligently enough, for a young man of so +little experience. He said he had made it a rule to look mistrustingly +upon mankind in general, not because he thought it the right point +of view, but because it was the safest. As to Pani Kromitzka, he was +quite sure hers was a nature of exceptional goodness and nobility. +He spoke of her with a scarcely disguised enthusiasm, and I had some +suspicion he felt more than admiration for her. But this did not +trouble me in the least; there is too great a distance between her and +this young medical student. On the contrary, I felt pleased that +he appreciated her, and asked him to stop as long as he could; his +presence did me good, as it kept me from thinking. + +In the course of our conversation I asked about his plans for the +future. He replied that first he must save some money in order to go +abroad and see something of foreign hospitals; afterwards he intended +to settle at Warsaw. + +"What do you understand by settling at Warsaw?" + +"Work at some of the hospitals, and a possible practice." + +"And then you will get married, I suppose?" + +"I suppose so; but there is plenty of time for that." + +"Unless you meet somebody that subjugates your will; as a doctor you +know that love is a physiological necessity." + +Young Chwastowski wants to show himself off as a sober-minded man +above human weaknesses; so he only shrugged his broad shoulders, +smoothed his short-cropped head, and said: "I acknowledge the +necessity; but do not intend to allow it to occupy too large a space +in my life." + +He looked very knowing, but I replied gravely: "Considering somewhat +deeper the question of feeling, who knows whether it be worth while to +live for anything else?" + +Chwastowski pondered over this a little while. + +"No," he said, "I do not agree with you. There are many other objects +in life,--for instance, science, or even social duties. I do not say +anything against matrimony; a man ought to marry for himself as +well as to have children. But matrimony is one thing, and continual +love-making another." + +"What is the difference between them?" + +"The difference is obvious, sir. We are like ants constructing an +ant-hill. We have our work to do, and not much time to spare for love +and women. That is all very well for those who cannot work, or who do +not want to do anything." + +Saying this he looked like a man who speaks in the name of all that is +strongest in the country, and expresses himself well. I looked with +a certain satisfaction at this healthy specimen of mankind, and +acknowledged that, except for a certain touch of youthful arrogance, +he spoke very sensibly. + +It is quite true that woman and love do not occupy a large space in +the life of those who work, and those who have before them great +undertakings and serious aims. The peasant marries because such is the +custom, and he wants a housekeeper. There is very little sentiment in +him, although poets and novelists want us to believe the contrary. The +man of science, the statesman, the leader, the politician devote only +a small part of their life to woman. Artists are exceptional. Their +profession brings them in touch with love, for art exists through love +and woman. Generally, it is only in rich communities that woman reigns +supreme and fills the life of those who have no serious work in hand. +She encompasses all their thoughts, becomes the leading motive of +their actions, and the exclusive aim of their exertions. And it cannot +be otherwise. There is myself for instance. The community to which +I belong is not as rich as others, but personally I am rich. These +riches prevented me from doing anything, and I have no fixed aim in +life. It might be different had I been born an Englishman or a German, +and not been handicapped by that _improductivité Slave_. No one of the +compound active principles of civilization attracts me or fills up the +void, for the simple reason that civilization is faint and permeated +with scepticism. If it feels its end is drawing near and doubts +itself, why should I believe in it and devote to it my life? Generally +speaking, I live as if in mid air, with no firm hold upon the earth. +If my disposition were cold and dry, if I were dull of mind or merely +sensuous, I could have limited my life to mere vegetation or animal +enjoyment. But it happened otherwise. I brought with me into the world +a bright intellect, a luxuriant organism, and vital powers of no mean +degree. These forces had to find an outlet, and they could find it +only in the love for a woman. There remained nothing else for me. My +whole misfortune is that, as a child of a diseased civilization, I +grew up crooked; therefore love, too, came to me crooked. + +Simplicity of mind would have given me happiness, but what is the use +to speak of it? The hunchback, too, would be glad to get rid of his +hump, but he cannot, because hump-backed he came from his mother's +womb. My hump was caused by the abnormal state of civilization that +brought me into the world. But straight or crooked, I must love, and I +will. + + +4 May. + +My reason is now altogether subservient to feeling, and is, in truth, +like the driver who passively clings to his box, and can do nothing +but watch whether the vehicle will go to pieces. I went back to +Ploszow a few days ago, and all I say and all I do are only the +tactics of love. He is a clever doctor--is Chwastowski--to prescribe +for Aniela exercise in the park. I found her there this morning. There +are moments when the feeling in my heart--though I am always conscious +of it--manifests itself with such extraordinary power that it almost +frightens me by its magnitude. Such a moment I had to-day, when at a +sudden turn of the road I met Aniela. Never had she appeared to me +more beautiful, more desirable, and more as if she were my own. This +is exactly the only woman in the world who by virtue of certain +natural forces, scarcely known by name, was to attract me, as the +magnet attracts iron, to reign over me, to attach me to her, and +become the aim and completion of my life. Her voice, her shape, her +glances intoxicate me. To-day, when I thus unexpectedly met her, I +thought it was not only her personal charm she carried with her, but +the charm of that early morning, that spring and serene weather, the +joy of all the birds and plants,--in fact, she seemed to be more an +incarnation of beauty and nature than a woman. And it struck me then +that, if nature had created her thus that she should react upon me +more than upon any other man, nature had meant her to be mine, and +that my right had been trodden under foot by this marriage. Who knows +whether all the crookedness of the world does not spring from the +non-fulfilment of certain laws, and whether that be not the cause of +the imperfectness of life? + +They are wrong who say that love is blind. On the contrary, +nothing--not the smallest detail--escapes its eyes; it sees everything +in the beloved being, notices everything; but melts it all in one +flame in the great and simple "I love." When I came close to Aniela, I +noticed that her eyes were brilliant as if from recent slumber; that +on her face and the light print dress fell the golden rays of the +morning sun filtering through the young leaves; her hair was tied in +a loose knot, and the flowing morning dress showed the outline of her +shoulders and supple waist, and in its very carelessness had a certain +freshness, which enhanced a thousandfold her charm. It did not escape +my notice how much smaller than usual she looked among the tall elm +trees of the avenue,--almost a child; in brief, nothing escaped me, +but all my observations changed into the rapture of one who loves +deliriously. She returned my morning greeting with some confusion. For +the last few days she seems afraid of me, for I hypnotize her with +every glance and word. Her peace of thought is already disturbed, and +the ferment has entered her soul. She cannot help seeing I love her, +but does not own it, not even to herself. Sometimes I have a +sensation as if I were holding a bird in my hand, and heard its heart +palpitating under my fingers. We walked together in embarrassed +silence, which I did not care to interrupt. I know this uneasiness is +oppressive to her; but it renders her my accomplice, and brings me +nearer to the end. In the silence which surrounded us not a sound +was audible but the crunching of the gravel under our feet, and the +whistling of the golden orioles, which are plentiful in the park. I +started at last a conversation. I directed it to suit my plans, for +however much my mind is closed against influences that have no bearing +upon my feeling, within their sphere I have a well-nigh redoubled +presence of mind,--an acuteness of perception, as have those plunged +into a hypnotic trance, and in a given direction see more clearly +than people in their normal state. We passed speedily on to personal +topics. I spoke about myself in the confidential tone in which one +speaks to those nearest, who alone have the right to know everything. +There sprung up between us a whole world of mutual understanding and +thoughts, common to us both. Since such a bond ought to exist by +virtue of marriage,--between her and her husband,--I was leading +her towards spiritual faithlessness by such gradual steps that she +scarcely could be aware of it. + +Nevertheless, the subtle nature perceived the drift. But I had taken +her by the hand, and led her; yet while leading, I felt a moral +resistance. I was fully aware the resistance would grow stronger if I +pushed much farther, and she perceived the danger. But I saw too that +I was gaining ground, and that step by step I could lead her where I +wanted. + +In the meantime I spoke on purpose about the past. + +"Do you remember," I said, "how in the days gone by--those happier +days--you asked me why I did not remain in the country, and turn my +abilities to some use. It was when I came home late, and you were +sitting up for me. I cannot tell you even what power you had over +me. I could not then begin to work, I had to go away; then came my +father's death. But I never forgot those words. I have come back now +to live and to work at home, and if I ever achieve anything it will be +owing to you,--your influence will be the source of my achievement." + +There ensued a momentary silence between us, broken only by the +whistling of the orioles. Aniela was evidently searching for a reply, +and at last said,-- + +"I cannot believe that a man like you should not be able to find a +more weighty inducement. You know very well it is your duty, and what +is past is past, and now everything is changed." + +"I am not so sure of that," I replied. "Perhaps, when once I start, I +shall find in the work itself some pleasure and encouragement. But +a man like me, who, in spite of what you are saying about duty, has +never been, fully conscious of it, must have some personal reason for +changing the whole tenor of his life; and the more he is unhappy, the +more he wants that personal inducement. Why should I tell you what is +not true? I am not happy. The consciousness of duty is a beautiful +thing, no doubt; but unfortunately I do not have it. You, who are so +much better, nobler than I, could have taught it me; but it was fated +otherwise. But even now, if only for the sake of those times when you +wanted me to do something, I can do it still if you will help me." + +Aniela hastened her steps, as if she wanted to return home, and said +almost in a whisper,-- + +"Do not say that, Leon; please do not. You know I cannot do it." + +"Why can you not? Do not understand me wrongly. You are and always +will be a very dear sister to me. It is only this I wanted you to +know." + +Aniela almost feverishly gave me her hand, which I raised reverently +to my lips. + +"Yes, I will be that,--always that," she replied quickly. + +And I saw what a heavy weight I had lifted from her mind; how that one +word "sister" had calmed and moved her. This made me recover all my +self-possession; for, when I had touched her hand with my lips, it +almost grew dark before my eyes, and I wanted to take her in my arms, +and tell her the whole truth. In the mean time Aniela's face had grown +brighter and more cheerful. As we came nearer the house, her trouble +seemed to slip off from her, and seeing how much I had gained by +taking this way with her, I continued in the same strain of friendly +conversation. + +"You see, little sister, there is such a void around me. My father is +no more; my aunt is a saintly woman; but she does not understand new +times and new people. Her ideas are different from mine. I shall +never marry,--think only what a lonely man I am. I have nobody near +me,--nobody to share my thoughts, my plans, or my sorrows; nothing but +loneliness around me. Is it not natural that I look for sympathy where +I might expect to find it? I am like the crippled beggar, who stands +waiting at the gate until they give him a small coin. At this moment +the beggar is very poor indeed, and he stands under your window, and +begs for a little friendliness, sympathy, and pity. A very small coin +will satisfy him,--you will not refuse him that, Aniela, will you?" + +"I will not, Leon; I will not, since you are so unhappy--" + +Her voice broke, and she began to tremble. Again I had to make a great +effort to restrain myself; and as I looked at her, something like +unshed tears took me by the throat. + +"Aniela! little Aniela!" I exclaimed, not knowing what to say. + +But she waved her hands, as if to ward me off, and said, her eyes full +of tears,-- + +"Let me go--I shall be better presently. I can not go back like this; +let me go." + +And she went swiftly away. + +"Aniela, forgive me!" I called after her. + +My first impulse was to follow her, but I thought it would be better +to leave her to herself, and I only followed her with my eyes. She +went quickly back into the avenue we had crossed together, and then +turned into a side path. Sometimes the foliage hid her from my eyes, +then again the light dress lit up by the sun appeared between the +trees. From the distance I saw how she shut and opened her sunshade, +as if trying by physical exertion to overcome her emotion. During all +that time I inwardly called her the most endearing names that love +could invent. I could not go away without looking once more into her +eyes; but I had a long time to wait. She came at last, but passed +quickly by, as if afraid of another shock; she only smiled at me in +passing, with angelic sweetness, and said, "I am all right again." + +On her face, pink with exercise, there was no trace of tears. I +remained alone, and a mad, indescribable joy got hold of me, hope +filled my heart, and there was one thought dominating everything: "She +loves me, she fights against it, does not yield, deludes herself--but +loves." At times, the most self-possessed of men, in the +super-abundance of some emotion, comes near the brink of madness. I +was so near it then that I felt a wild desire to hide myself in the +deepest recess of the woods, tear the grass, and shout at the top of +my voice, "She loves me!" At present, when I am able to think more +calmly of this joy, I find it was composed of various active forces. +There was the joy of the artist who sees that a masterpiece he has +begun is progressing satisfactorily; maybe also the satisfaction +of the spider when the fly comes near the web; but there was also +kindness, pity, great tenderness, and all that over which angels +rejoice, as the poet has it. I felt sorry the defenceless little thing +should fall into my hands; and that pity increased the love, and the +desire to conquer Aniela. I felt also a sting of conscience that I had +deceived her, and yet I had the consciousness that I had spoken the +truth when I asked for her sympathy and friendship. I want it as I +want my health. But I did not confess to all my desires, because the +time for it has not yet come. I did not tell her the whole truth, so +as not to frighten the timid soul. I shall come to it by and by, and +the road which leads towards it in the straightest line is the best. + + +10 May. + +The weather is still serene, and everything is serene between us. +Aniela is calm and happy. She thoroughly believes in what I said, +and, as I did not ask for anything but sisterly affection, and her +conscience approves, she allows her heart to follow its dictates. +I alone know that it is a loyal way of deceiving herself and her +husband; for under cover of sisterly affection there is another +feeling, the growth of which I am watching daily. Of course I do not +intend to undeceive her until the feeling grows too strong for her. +By and by she will be enveloped in a flame which neither will, nor +consciousness of duty, nor the modesty of the woman white as a swan, +will be able to keep under control. Constantly the thought dwells with +me that since I love her most, mine is the higher right. What can +there be more logical or more true? The unwritten code of ethics of +all people, of whatever faith, says that the mutual belonging of man +and woman to each other is based upon love. + +But to-day I am so restful and happy that I prefer to feel rather +than to reason. There is now between us a great cordiality, ease, and +intimacy. How we were made for each other, cling to each other, and +how the dear little thing delights in the warmth, delusive warmth +of brotherly affection. Never since my return have I seen her +so cheerful. Formerly when I looked at her she reminded me of +Shakspeare's "Poor Tom." A nature like hers wants love, as her body +wants air to breathe. Kromitzki, occupied with speculations, does not +love her enough, perhaps does not know what love means. She might +rightly say with Shakspeare, "Poor Tom's acold." When I think of this +my heart is stirred, and I make a silent vow that she shall never feel +cold as long as I live. + +If our love were wrong there could not be within us such peace. That +Aniela does not call it by its proper name means nothing; it is there +all the same. The whole day passed for us like an idyl. Formerly I +disliked Sundays; now I find that a Sunday, from morning until night, +may be like a poem, especially in the country. Soon after breakfast, +we went to church in time for the early mass. My aunt followed in our +rear; even Pani Celina, profiting by the fine weather, was wheeled +thither in her Bath chair. There were not many people in church, as +most of them go later for high mass. Sitting on the bench by Aniela's +side, I had the blissful illusion that I was sitting with my affianced +wife. From time to time I looked at the sweet, dear profile, at the +hands which were resting on the desk before her, and the concentration +in her face and bearing gradually infected me. My senses went to +sleep, my thoughts became purer, and I loved her at that moment with +an ideal love, because I felt more than ever how different she was +from any other woman, how infinitely better and purer. + +For a long time I had not felt anything like what I felt in this quiet +village church. Added to Aniela's presence there was the impressive +dignity of the church itself, the soft, flickering light of the +candles in the dim recess of the altar, shafts of colored light coming +through the windows, the chirping sparrows, and the still mass. +All this, with the dreaminess of an early morning, had something +unutterably soothing. My thoughts began to flow as evenly as the +incense at the altar. Nobler feelings stirred within me, and a desire +to sacrifice my own self. An inward voice began to remonstrate:-- + +"Do not disturb that transparent water; respect its purity." + +When the mass came to an end, and we left the church, I saw, to my +greatest amazement, both the Latyszes crouching near the church gate, +with wooden plates in their hands, asking for alms. My aunt, who knew +about my gift, grew very angry upon seeing them there, and began to +abuse them roundly. But the old woman, still holding out her wooden +plate, and not at all abashed, said quietly:-- + +"His lordship's generosity is one thing, and God's will is another. We +must not go against the Lord's will. When the little Lord Jesus told +us to sit here, we must, now and forever and ever, Amen." + +There was nothing to say against this kind of reasoning; especially +that "forever and ever, Amen," imposed upon me, to such an extent that +I gave them some money for the oddity of the thing. These people at +the bottom of their hearts believe in fate, which they dress up in +Christian forms, and submit to it blindly. These Latyszes, to whom I +gave a thousand two hundred roubles, are now better off than they ever +were in their lives, and yet they went to sit at the church gates +because such was their fate,--which the old woman translated into the +"will of God." + +When we were wending our way homewards, the bells were ringing for +high mass. On the road appeared groups of men and women. From the more +distant hamlets one could see them going Indian file along the narrow +paths amid the corn, which, though still green, had shot up to a +considerable height, owing to the early spring. As far as the eye +could reach, in the pure translucid atmosphere, the bright colored +kerchiefs of the girls appeared above the wheat-fields like so many +poppy flowers. By the bye, there is nowhere in Europe such a breadth +of atmosphere as in Poland. What struck me most of all was the +distinctly Sunday character of the day, not in the people alone, but +also in nature. It is true the weather was splendid, but it seemed as +if the wind were hushed because it was Sunday; even the corn did not +rock, not a leaf shook on the poplars, the stillness was perfect; yet +there was the cheerfulness of the Sunday in the festive garments, and +in the dancing sunbeams. + +I explained to Aniela how, from an artistic point of view, those +bright spots harmonized with the landscape and melted in the distance +into a blue haze. Then we began to talk about the peasants. I +confessed that I did not see anything but a crowd of more or less +picturesque models; but Aniela looks at them from a quite different +point of view. She began telling me many characteristic traits, some +sad, and some amusing, and while talking grew very animated, and at +the same time as lovely as a summer's dream. + +The conversation again drifted towards the old couple we had left +sitting under the church gate, and especially the old woman, whose +reasoning had amused us so much. I began comparing her position to my +own. As my aunt remained with Pani Celina, whom the servant wheeled +along at a certain distance behind, I could with freedom allude to our +last conversation in the park. + +"Not long ago," I said, "I asked you for alms, and you bestowed them +on me. I see now that this does not bind me to anything, and I may +again hold out my wooden platter at the church gate." + +"Eh! to ask other charitable souls for the same," replied Aniela. +"Aunty is going to invite one charitable soul to Ploszow, I +understand." + +"If it is Miss Hilst you mean, she is too big to find room in a single +heart; it wants three at least to hold her," but Aniela did not leave +off teasing, and shaking her little finger at me, said:-- + +"It is a suspicious case, very suspicious." + +"At present there is no ground for suspicion," I replied. "My heart +is a repository of brotherly feelings, and there reigns supreme the +spiteful little being who is tormenting me at present." + +Aniela ceased laughing and jesting, slackened her pace, and presently +we joined the elder ladies. The remainder of the day passed without +a cloud, and so pleasantly that at times I fancied myself again a +schoolboy. My eyes still spoke to her of love; but my desires slept. +My aunt went to Warsaw after lunch, and I remained in Pani Celina's +room, reading to her Montalembert's letters, with whom my father at +one time had a regular correspondence. These letters would have seemed +very tedious to me but for Aniela's presence. Raising my eyes now and +then, I met her glance, which filled me with inexpressible joy. Unless +I have lost all power of judgment, she looks at me as would look a +pure, innocent woman, unconsciously loving with all her soul. What a +good day it has been! + +My aunt came back towards evening, and announced visitors. To-morrow +both the Sniatynskis are coming, and Clara Hilst. + +It is very late, but I do not want to sleep, for I am loathe to part +with the memories of the day. Sleep cannot be more beautiful. The park +is literally alive with the song of the nightingales, and there is +still in me a great deal of the old romanticist. The night is clear +and limpid, and the sky full of stars. Thinking of Aniela, I say a +hundred times good-night to her. I see that side by side with the +_improductivité Slave_, there is in me a great deal of purely Polish +sentimentality. I had not known myself in that capacity before. But +what does it matter? I love her very much. + + +13 May. + +Clara and the Sniatynskis have not arrived. Instead of this, there +came a letter, informing us they would come to-morrow, the weather +permitting. To-day we had a thunder-storm, the like of which they have +not experienced here for a long time. About ten o'clock in the morning +a hot wind rose, which smothered everything in clouds of dust. The +wind fell at times, and then rose again with such fury that it seemed +to lay the trees flat. Our beautiful park was filled with the sound of +crashing branches, and clouds of dust mingled with torn-off leaves and +twigs. The great lime-tree close to the pavilion, where young Latysz +died, was split in two. It was fear-fully close, there was no air, and +the wind seemed to come straight from a heated furnace, and carried +with it a breath of carbon. I, used to the Italian _scirocco_, did not +mind it so much, but Pani Celina suffered greatly, and indirectly, +Aniela. My aunt was in a bad temper about the damage done to the park, +and as usual, vented it on Chwastowski. The peppery old gentleman, +who probably was caned often enough over his Homer, had evidently not +forgotten the Odyssey, nor his ready speech either, for he replied to +my aunt that if he were Æolus he would not serve her as agent, and +bear with her unjust tantrums. My aunt gave way this time, merely +because of the redoubled threats from the skies. It had grown very +still all at once, but from the south, banks of cloud, black as a +funereal pall, overcast with a sickly red sheen, came rolling up. In +a moment it grew as dark as night, and Pani Celina rung for lights. +Shortly afterwards the darkness yielded to an ominous reddish light. +Chwastowski rushed off in a hurry to give orders for the cattle to be +driven home, but the cow-herds had started without waiting for orders, +for presently we heard distinctly the mournful lowing of the cattle. +Then my aunt fetched the bell of Our Lady of Loreto, and went around +the house ringing energetically. I did not even try to explain to her +that ringing a bell in that motionless atmosphere might rather attract +than avert a thunderbolt, and in spite of the consciousness that in +case of danger I could not be of the slightest help, I was ashamed to +let her risk the danger alone. The old lady was simply magnificent +when, with her head thrown back, she seemed to defy the black and +copper-colored banks of clouds, and shook at them her Loreto bell. +I did not regret having gone with her, if only to see a symbolic +picture. At a moment when everything trembles before the approaching +horror, crouches in terror almost stupefied, faith alone has no fear; +it defies, and rings a bell. This is, from whatever side we look at +it, an element of incalculable power in the human soul. + +We returned when the first thunder began to growl all around the +horizon. A few minutes later the roar became incessant. I had a +sensation as if the thunder rolled on the lower stratum of the clouds, +and the whole mass would burst at any moment and come with a deafening +crash upon the earth. A thunderbolt fell into the pond at the other +end of the park, followed by another so close by that the house +shook on its foundations. My ladies began to say the Litany; I felt +uncertain what to do; if I joined them it would be hypocrisy on my +part, and if I did not it would look as if I were showing myself off +as an ill-bred wiseacre, who cannot make allowance for country customs +and female terrors. But I was wrong; they were not afraid; their faces +were calm, even serene. It was evident that the familiar Litany was +to them a sufficient armor against all dangers, and that there was no +fear in their hearts. The thought crossed my mind what a stranger in +spirit I was in presence of these Polish women, of whom each knows ten +times less than I, and according to human measure, is worth ten times +as much as I. They are like books of comparatively few pages, each +page containing clear and simple rules, whereas I, with all those +volumes of which I am composed, do not possess a single undoubted +truth. + +It was but a passing thought, as presently the storm that broke upon +us with terrific force engaged all my attention. The wind rose again, +crashing among the trees. It fell at moments, and then the rain came +down in streams; no drops were visible, but long spouts that seemed to +join sky and earth. The avenues in the park were like foaming brooks. +Sometimes a strong gust of wind whipped the water into a fine spray +that hung between earth and sky and obscured the whole view. The +deafening roar of thunder went on incessantly. The air was saturated +with electricity. My pulses were beating loudly; in the rooms an +irritating smell of sulphur made itself felt. The raging elements +without seemed to influence me in a strange way, and I began to lose +control over myself. + +"Do you want to see the storm?" I asked Aniela. + +"Very well. Where from?" + +"Come into the next room, there is a larger window." + +We went and stood at the window. It was very dark then, and every +moment white and red forks of lightning tore across the clouds, +opening the skies and at the same time illuminating our faces and the +dark world without. Aniela was calm, but seemed every moment more +desirable. + +"Are you afraid?" I whispered. + +"No." + +"Give me your hand." + +She looked at me wonderingly. Another moment and I should have folded +her in my arms and pressed my lips against hers, and then let Ploszow +be razed to the ground, by the tempest. But she was terrified, not by +the storm, but by the expression of my face and that whisper; she drew +back from the window and returned to the room where the elder ladies +were sitting. + +I remained alone,--with a feeling of anger and humiliation. That I +should have taken advantage of Aniela's confidence is quite certain, +and yet I felt offended by her want of trust, and resolved to pay her +out in some way. I stood for an hour at the window looking absently at +the lightning flashes. Then it grew lighter and lighter outside; at +last the clouds parted, and the sun shone forth fresh and bright and +as if wondering at the devastation the tempest had wrought. + +It was very considerable; the avenues were still flooded with yellow, +foaming water, above which floated broken branches. Here and there big +trees were lying about, snapped across or torn out by the roots; the +bark was partly stripped from the trunks of pine trees, leaving what +looked like gaping wounds. Everywhere the eye could reach there was +ruin and devastation, as if after a battle. + +When the water had drained off a little I went out toward the ponds +to ascertain the extent of the damage. Suddenly the whole park became +alive with people, who, with an almost savage energy, began to tear +off the broken branches and chop at the fallen trunks. It appears they +were peasant-lodgers who had no right in the woods. In the main, I +did not care whether they gathered the sticks, but as they had come +through the broken fence without permission, and in such a savage +manner, I, being out of humor, began to drive them away, my anger +rising at their stubborn resistance. At last I threatened them with +the village authorities, when suddenly, close by, the sweetest voice +in the world said in French:-- + +"Is there any harm in their clearing the park, Leon?" + +I turned round and saw Aniela, her head covered with a kerchief tied +under her chin. With both hands she was holding up her dress, showing +up to the ankles her little feet encased in high boots; bending +slightly forward she looked at me entreatingly. + +At her sight my anger vanished at once. I forgot the unpleasant +sensations that had troubled me a little while before, and looked at +her as if I could never fill myself enough with the sight. + +"Is it your wish?" I asked. + +Then, turning to the people, I said:-- + +"Take the wood, and thank the lady for the permission." + +This time they obeyed with alacrity. Some of them, evidently strangers +to Ploszow, addressed her as "gracious Panienka" (Miss), which caused +me unspeakable delight. If Ploszow were mine they might cut down every +tree at her wish. In half an hour every broken branch and fallen tree +was cleared away, and the park looked really all the better for it. +Walking with Aniela along the paths I found a great many swallows and +other birds, either killed by the storm or half dead and drenched +with rain. I picked them up, and handing them one by one to Aniela, +I touched her hands, looked into her eyes, and again felt happy. The +idyl of the day before repeated itself, for us both, and brought with +it ease and cheerfulness. My heart was full of joy, for I saw what +Aniela could not see,--that in our brotherly relation there was twice +as much tenderness as would be or ought to be between the most loving +brother and sister. I was quite sure now that, unconsciously, she +loved me as much as I loved her. In this way one half of my hopes and +schemes are realized already; there remains only to bring it home to +her and make her own to the feeling. When I think of that I remember, +with a heart beating fast with happiness, what I wrote down some time +ago: that "no woman in the world can resist the man she truly loves." + + +15 May. + +Our visitors did not come yesterday but to-day, which was very +sensible, as all traces of the storm have disappeared and the weather +is very fine. This fifteenth of May will be one of the best remembered +days in my life. It is now past midnight; I am wide awake, as if I +never wanted to sleep again, and intend to write until morning. I am +collecting my thoughts so as not to begin at the end, and put it all +down in proper order. Force of habit is a great help in this. + +My aunt sent the carriage for the Sniatynskis and Clara very early, in +consequence of which they arrived before noon. The ladies were bright, +cheerful, and chirping like sparrows, glad of the fine weather and +their excursion. What toilets, and what quaint hats! Clara looked +very well in a light, striped dress that made her seem less tall than +usual. I observed that Aniela, after the first greeting, looked at her +searchingly and seemed struck by her beauty, of which I had scarcely +said anything to her. I had not refrained out of calculation, but +had been so occupied with Aniela that I had not thought of it. For +instance, though I had met Pani Sniatynska several times I had never +noticed she wore her hair short, which suits her style of beauty. The +light, curly hair falling over her brow gives her the expression of a +resolute, rosy-faced boy. We are excellent friends again. There was a +time she would have liked to kill me, so angry was she about Aniela. +Evidently her husband had told her what I suffered, and women have +a special weakness for those who suffer for love's sake; she has +forgiven me and reinstalled me in her favor. The presence of such a +bright, vivacious, easy-going woman was a great help in bringing Clara +and Aniela into closer relation. I saw that my aunt met Clara with +great heartiness; but Aniela, in spite of her sweet disposition, +seemed shy, and kept aloof from her. At lunch, amid a cheerful +conversation, she thawed a little. Clara seemed struck by Aniela's +beauty, and as she always says what she thinks, she expressed her +admiration with so much grace and enthusiasm that Aniela had to yield. + +Pani Celina, who now perhaps for the first time found herself in +company with an artist, looked gratified, and turning to her said that +"though Aniela's mother, she must say that as a child she was very +pretty,--promising far greater beauty." Both Sniatynskis joined in the +conversation. He began to discuss with Clara various female types, +then spoke of Aniela's type and its aesthetic perfection in a highly +amusing objective manner, as if she were a portrait hanging on the +wall, rather than a living presence. She, listening to this, blushed +and lowered her eyes, truly like a little girl, which made her look +more charming than ever. + +I was silent, but inwardly compared these three female faces, treating +them also objectively, that is, putting aside the fact that one of +them was the loved one, and as such occupied an exceptional position; +even then everything spoke in her favor. Pani Sniatynska's, especially +in her short curly hair, is a charming head, yet nothing but what may +be found in any English Keepsake. Clara's beauty rests mainly upon her +calm expression, the blue eyes, and that transparent complexion so +often met with in German women; but for her art, which surrounds her +as with a nimbus, she could only be called a handsome woman. Aniela +is not only an artistic production of an exceedingly noble style as +regards her features, but there is something individual in her that +cannot be measured by any standard. Maybe her individuality rests upon +the fact that, being neither dark nor fair, she gives the physical +impression of a brunette and the spiritual one of a blonde. The cause +of this is perhaps the great abundance of hair on a comparatively +small head; enough that she is unique in her kind. She excels even +Mrs. Davis in this regard, whose beauty was without a flaw, but it was +the beauty of a statue. Mrs. Davis only excited the admiration of my +senses, while Aniela rouses in me the idealist, who goes in rapture +over the poetry of her expression. + +But I will not even compare these two so utterly different beings. +I yielded to these reflections during lunch, because the topic in +question had brought me on that track; besides, the analysis of +Aniela's beauty always gives me a keen delight. My aunt interrupted +the discussion, deeming it proper, as lady of the house, to say +something about Clara's last concert. She spoke much and very well; +I never supposed she had such knowledge of music; she paid her some +graceful compliments with the air of a _grande dame_, in that flowing, +winning style only people of the older generation are capable of. In +short, I observed that my downright, outspoken aunt was still able to +recall the times of powder and patches. Clara seemed quite charmed, +and did not remain behind-hand in graceful acknowledgment. + +"I shall always be able to play well at Warsaw," she said, "because +I am in touch with my audience, but I play best in small circles of +friends where I feel in sympathy with everybody,--and if you will +permit, I will give you a proof of it after lunch." + +My aunt, who was very anxious that Pani Celina should hear her, yet +had misgivings whether it would be right to ask her to play, was much +pleased by the proposal. I began to speak of Clara's performances at +Paris and her triumphs at Erard's concerts; Sniatynski gave an account +of what was said at Warsaw; and so the time passed until we rose from +lunch. Clara herself got hold of Paul Celina's invalid chair and would +not allow anybody to help, declaring laughingly that she was by +far the strongest among us, and was not afraid to tire her hands. +Presently she sat down to the piano, and as evidently Mozart suited +her disposition, she gave us Don Juan. The first notes sounded, she +was a different Clara; not the merry, lively child any longer, but an +incarnate Saint Cecilia. There shone in her the close relationship of +outward form with the spirit of harmony, which surrounded her with a +dignity above common womanhood. I made another observation, namely: +that a man in love can find food for his feelings even in what tells +against the loved woman. When I thought how far my Aniela was from +being a Sybil, saw her sitting in a corner of the drawing-room so +small and still, as if crushed down by some weight, I loved her all +the more, and it made her if possible dearer to me than ever. It also +occurred to me that a woman is not in reality what she appears to +people in general, but such as the man who loves sees her; therefore +her absolute excellence is in proportion to the power of love she +inspires. I had no time to follow out this idea, but it pleased me +because I saw dimly before me the conclusion that in the name of this +excellence the woman ought to give her heart to him who loves her +most. + +Clara played superbly. I watched the sensation on the others' faces, +when presently I noticed that Aniela was looking at me for the same +reason. Was it mere curiosity, or an involuntary uneasiness of heart +which could not say what it feared and yet was afraid? I said to +myself: "If the last supposition were true it would be a proof that +she loves me." The thought filled me with joy, and I resolved to find +an answer to it in the course of the day. Thenceforth I bestowed all +my attention upon Clara, and was more attentive to her than I had ever +been before. In the woods whither we had driven, I walked with her, +glancing furtively now and then at Aniela, who remained with the +Suiatynskis. Clara was in rapture with the woods, which are indeed at +their best now, the fresh green of the leafy trees forming a perfect +canopy over the more sombre looking pines. + +The sun filtering across the branches converted the earth, carpeted +with ferns and tender mosses, into a delicate golden embroidery. There +were the cheerful voices of spring around us, the cuckoo's call and +the woodpecker's knock-knock at the trees. When we joined the others +I asked Clara to translate into music the voices of spring. She said +there was already a _Frühlingslied_ singing within her, and she +would try to give it expression. Truly she looked as if the song was +there,--besides she is like a great harp that speaks only in sounds. + +Her face was bright with burning blushes; Aniela instead looked +fagged, though she evidently tried to keep up with the Sniatynskis, +who were as lively as a couple of school-children on their holiday. +They began finally to race with each other, and Clara joined in the +sport, which she ought not to have done, considering her size, as the +quick motion was anything but graceful,--nay, almost ridiculous. + +When they were thus running after each other I remained alone with +Aniela. According to my plan of operations I was anxious to bring +her mind to full consciousness through the uneasiness with which she +seemed to be oppressed. + +"There is something troubling you, Aniela; what is it?" I asked. + +"No, nothing whatever." + +"It seemed to me as if you were dissatisfied with something; is it +that you do not like Clara?" + +"No; I like her very much, and do not wonder she is so much admired." + +Further conversation was made impossible by the return of the truants. +It was also time to go back. On the way, Sniatynski asked Clara +whether she felt really satisfied with her stay at Warsaw. + +"The best proof I can give you of this is that I do not think of going +away yet," she replied gayly. + +"We must try to keep you with us always," I interpolated. + +Clara, in spite of the simplicity with which she accepts all that is +said to her, looked questioningly at me, then grew a little confused, +and replied,--"They are all very kind to me here." + +I was conscious that my words were in a way dishonorable, as they +might mislead Clara; but all I cared for was the impression they would +make upon Aniela. Unfortunately, I could not see her face, as she was +buttoning her gloves, with her head bent so low that her hat concealed +it from me. This sudden movement seemed to me a good sign. + +The elder ladies were awaiting us with the dinner, which lasted until +nine o'clock; and then Clara improvised her _Frühlingslied_. I am +almost certain that since Ploszow existed there had never been heard +such music within its walls, but I paid very little attention to it. +I sat near her in the dusk, as she did not want the lamps lit. +Sniatynski waved his arm as if it were a baton; which evidently +annoyed his wife, as she pulled his sleeve several times. Aniela sat +quite motionless; maybe she, too, was absorbed in her own thoughts, +and did not listen to the _Frühlingslied_. I was almost certain she +was thinking about me and Clara, and especially about the meaning of +the words I had said to Clara. It was easy enough to guess that even +if she did not love me, or had the slightest consciousness that my +love was any other but brotherly affection, she would feel sore and +disappointed if that were about to be taken away from her. A woman who +is not happy in her married life clings round any other feeling, if +it be only friendship, as the ivy clings to the tree. I had no doubt +whatever that if at this moment I knelt down at her feet and told her +it was she, and she alone, that I loved, she would feel a sudden joy, +as one feels upon recovering something very precious. And if so, I +debated within me, why not hasten the solution, if only a way could be +found,--frightening her as little as possible, or making her forget +all terror in her joy. I began at once to devise ways and means, as +I understood it must be done in such a way as to make it forever +impossible for her to cast me off. My mind worked very hard at it, as +the problem was not an easy one. Gradually a great emotion stole over +me: and strange to say, it was more on Aniela's account than on my own +that I felt moved,--for I realized suddenly what a great wrench it +would be, and I was afraid for her. + +In the mean time it had grown lighter in the drawing-room; the moon +had risen above the trees, and cast luminous shafts across the floor. +The melodies of the _Frühlingslied_ still filled the air, and the +nightingales responded to it through the open French window. It was +a glorious evening, warm and balmy, and full of harmony and love. I +thought involuntarily that, if life does not give us happiness, it +presents us with a ready frame for it. + +In the luminous dusk my eyes searched for Aniela; but she looked at +Clara, who at this moment seemed more a vision than a substantial +being. The moonlight, advancing more and more into the room, rested +now upon her; and in the light dress she looked like the silvery +spirit of music. But the vision did not last long. Clara finished her +song; whereupon Pani Sniatynska rose, and saying it was late, gave the +signal for departure. As the evening was so warm, I proposed we should +see our visitors off as far as the high-road, about half a mile from +our house. I did this on purpose, so as to walk home with Aniela. I +knew she could not well refuse such a mere act of politeness, and I +was also sure my aunt would not go with us. + +I gave orders for the carriage to drive on and wait on the road, and +we went on foot through the lime avenue. I offered my arm to Clara, +but we walked all abreast, accompanied by the croaking of the frogs in +the Ploszow mere. + +Clara stopped a moment to listen to that chorus, which ceased now and +then, to start afresh with redoubled vigor, and said,-- + +"This is the finale of my Song of Spring." + +"What an exquisite evening!" remarked Sniatynski, and then began to +quote the beautiful lines from the "Merchant of Venice":-- + + "How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank! + Here will we sit and let the sounds of music + Creep in our ears: soft stillness and the night + Become the touches of sweet harmony." + +He did not remember the rest, but I did, and took up the strain:-- + + "Sit, Jessica. Look how the floor of heaven + Is thick inlaid with patines of bright gold: + There's not the smallest orb which thou behold'st + But in his motion like an angel sings, + Still quiring to the young-eyed cherubins; + Such harmony is in immortal souls; + But whilst this muddy vesture of decay + Doth grossly close it in, we cannot hear it." + +Then I repeated to Clara, who does not understand Polish, the lines in +French, improvising the translation. She listened to it, then raised +her eyes heavenward, and said simply,-- + +"I was always certain there is music in the spheres." + +It appeared that Pani Sniatynska was equally certain of it, and +reminded her husband that she had discussed it with him not long +before, but he was not quite sure he remembered; whereupon a slight +matrimonial dispute took place, at which Clara and I laughed. Aniela +had not joined the conversation at all; did she feel hurt that I +had offered my arm to Clara, and paid her some attention? The very +supposition made me feel happy. Yet I tried not to lose my head, and +said to myself, "Do not run away with the idea that she knows what +jealousy means; she is only a little sad and feels lonely, that is +all." I would have given at this moment a whole host of artists such +as Clara for a few words with Aniela,--to tell her that I belong +to her, and only to her. Then Sniatynski began a discussion about +astronomy, of which I heard now and then a few words, though this +science attracts me more than I can tell,--for in its very nature +there is no limit, either in itself or for the human mind; it is +infinite. + +We reached at last the end, where our guests mounted into the +carriage. Presently the wheels rattled on the road, the last good-bys +reached our ears, and I was alone with Aniela. We turned homewards, +and for some time walked side by side in silence. The croaking of +the frogs has ceased, and from the distance came the sound of the +watchman's whistle and the loud baying of the dogs. I did not speak to +Aniela, because the silence seemed fraught with deep meaning,--both +our minds being full of the same subject. When about half-way I said +to Aniela,-- + +"What a pleasant day it has been, has it not?" + +"Yes. I never heard such beautiful music before." + +"And yet you seemed not in your usual spirits, and though you will not +tell me the cause, I notice every passing cloud on your face." + +"You were obliged to look after your guests. You are very kind to +trouble about me, but there is nothing the matter with me." + +"To-day as any other day I was occupied with you only, and as a proof +of it let me tell you of what you were thinking to-day." And without +waiting for permission, I went on at once: "You thought I resembled +somewhat the Latysz couple; you thought I had deceived you in speaking +of the void around me; lastly, you thought that I had no need to ask +for your friendship while I was seeking friendship elsewhere. Was it +not so? Tell me the truth." + +Aniela replied with evident effort: "If you insist upon knowing--yes, +perhaps it is so. But I ought to be only glad of it." + +"What ought you be glad of?" + +"Of your mutual friendship with Clara." + +"As to our friendship,--I wish her well, that is all. But Clara, like +all other women, is indifferent to me. Do you know why?" + +I began to tremble a little, because I perceived that the moment +had come. I waited a moment to see whether Aniela would take up my +question, and then, in a voice I tried to render steady, I said,-- + +"Surely you must see and understand that my whole being belongs to +you; that I loved you and love you still madly." + +Aniela stood still as if turned to stone. By the icy coldness of my +face I felt that I was growing pale; and if the world seemed to totter +under that poor child's feet, it was my life, too, which was at stake. +Knowing with whom I had to deal, I did not give her time to repulse +me. I began to speak very quickly:-- + +"Do not answer me, for I do not want anything from you. I desire +nothing,--nothing whatever, understand that well. I wanted to tell you +that you have taken my life, and it is henceforth yours, to do with it +what you like. But you have seen yourself that such is the case, and +it matters nothing whether I speak of it or not. I repeat that I +desire nothing, nor do I expect anything. You cannot repulse me, +because I repulse myself. I only tell you as I might tell a friend, a +sister. I come and complain to you, because I have nowhere else to +go, that I love a woman that belongs to somebody else,--love her to +distraction,--oh, Aniela!--and without limit!" + +We were near the gate, but still in the deep shadow of the trees. For +a moment I had the delusion that she was leaning towards me like +a broken flower, that I might snatch her into my arms; but I was +mistaken. + +Aniela, recovering from the sudden shock, began suddenly to say, with +a kind of nervous energy I had not suspected in her,-- + +"I will not listen to this, Leon. I will not; I will not; I will not!" + +And she ran into the moonlit courtyard. Yes; she ran away from my +words,--my confession. Presently she disappeared within the portico, +and I remained alone with a feeling of unrest, fear, and great pity +for her, and triumph at the same time that the words which should be +the beginning of a new life for us both had been spoken. For, to say +the truth, I could not expect anything else from her at first; but the +seed from which something must spring up was sown. + +When I came into the house there was no Aniela visible. I found +only my aunt, walking up and down the room muttering her rosary and +soliloquizing between the prayers. I said good-night, and went at once +to my room thinking that it would calm me if I put down the day's +impressions; but it only tired me more. I intend to go away to-morrow, +or rather to-day, for I see the daylight coming through the window. I +want to confirm Aniela in the conviction that I expect nothing from +her,--want her to calm down and get familiar with what I told her. But +to confess the whole truth, I go away also because I am afraid to meet +her so soon, and would fain put it off. There are moments when +it seems to me a monstrous deed to have introduced an element of +corruption in this pure atmosphere. But does not the principal evil +lie in her marrying a man she cannot love? What is more immoral, my +love which is a manifestation of nature's great law, or the belonging +of Aniela to that man, which is a shameful breaking of the same law? +And I, who understand this so clearly, am yet so weak that a horror +seizes me when I kick against that corrupt morality. But all these +scruples melt like snow at the words, "I love." If even now my heart +feels sore at the thought that at this very moment she may be awake, +weeping perhaps, or torn by doubts, it is only another proof how I +love her. It hurts me, and at the same time I do not see how otherwise +we can arrive at happiness. + + +19 May. + +The first night after my arrival I slept profoundly. At Ploszow I +grudged every moment that kept me from Aniela, and during the night I +was writing; consequently I felt deadly tired. And now I feel still +heavy, but am able to think. I am somewhat ashamed that I ran away and +left Aniela alone to bear the burden of my confession; but when the +beloved woman is in question, a little cowardice is not dishonorable. +Besides, I should not have fled had it not been necessary for the +future weal of my love. Now, every day when she rises and says her +prayers, walks in the park or attends her sick mother, she must, if +ever so unwillingly, say to herself, "He loves me," and the thought +will gradually become familiar, less terrifying to her. Human nature +gets accustomed to everything, and a woman soon becomes reconciled to +the thought that she is loved, especially when she returns that love. +This question, "Does she love me?" I put to myself the first time when +I knew I loved her still; and again I turn it over in my mind, try to +weigh all the circumstances as if somebody else's fate were at stake, +and I arrive at the conviction that it cannot be otherwise. When she +married she loved me, not Kromitzki; she only yielded to him her hand +driven by despair. If she had married a superior man who dazzled her +by his fame, his thoughts, or exceptional character, she might have +forgotten me. But how could a Kromitzki, with his money-grubbing +neurosis, get hold of her affection? Besides, he left her soon after +they were married; he sold Gluchow, which was as the very apple of the +eye to these two women. Judging Kromitzki quite impartially, there +was nothing in him which could win a being full of ideal impulses and +feelings. Then I came back,--I, whom she had loved. I touched the +chords of her heart with memories of the past, by every word and +glance. I drew her towards me, not only with that skill an experience +of life gives, but also with that magnetic force true love bestows on +man. Adding to this the fact that she knew how much I suffered when I +sent Sniatynski to her, she must have pitied me, and that pity cannot +have vanished altogether. I play for my life, but the cards are in my +favor. I cannot lose the game. + +I am as much in my right as anybody who is defending his life. I do +not say this upon the impulse of the moment, but after calm reasoning. +I have no convictions, no beliefs, no principles, no stable ground +under my feet, for the ground has been undermined by criticism and +reflection. I have only those forces of life born with us, and they +are all concentrated on one woman. Therefore I clutch my love as a +drowning man clutches a plank; if this gives way there will be nothing +left to live for. If common-sense asks, "Why did you not marry +Aniela?" I say what I have said before: I did not marry her simply for +the reason that I am not straight, but crooked,--partly because born +so, partly because so reared by those two nurses, Reflection and +Criticism. Why this woman and no other should be my plank of +salvation, I do not know. Most likely because it was she and not +another. It did not depend upon me. + +If she were free to-day, I would stretch my hands out for her without +hesitation; if she had never been married, who knows?--I am ashamed +of the thought, and yet it may be that she would not be so desirable. +Most likely, judging by the past, I should have gone on watching her, +watching my own feelings, until somebody else carried her off; but I +prefer not to think of it, because it makes me inclined to swear. + + +20 May. + +I considered to-day what would happen if I gained Aniela's love, or +rather brought her to confess it. I see happiness before me but no way +of reaching it. I know that if in presence of these women I uttered +the word "divorce," they would think the roof was crashing down over +our heads. There cannot be even a question as to that, because my +aunt's and Pani Celina's ideas upon that point are such that neither +of them would survive the shock. I have no illusions as to Aniela; her +ideas are the same. And yet the moment she owns her love, I will say +the word, and she must accustom herself to it; but we shall have to +wait until my aunt's and Pani Celina's death. There is nothing else +for it. Kromitzki will either agree willingly or he will not. In the +latter case I shall carry Aniela off, if I have to go as far as the +Indies, and the divorce, or rather invalidation of the marriage, I +shall conduct myself, in spite of his wishes. Fortunately, there is no +want of means. As regards myself, I am ready for everything, and the +inward conviction that I am right justifies me in my own eyes. This +time it is not a mere love intrigue, but a feeling that absorbs my +whole being. Its sincerity and strength make all my stratagems lawful. +I know that I deceive her in saying that all I wish to gain is a +sister's love. I deceive her when I say I do not desire anything; all +this would be wrong and a lie if my love were in itself a lie. In +presence of a great truth, they are mere diplomatic stratagems of +love. It all belongs to the course of love. It is a known fact that +even affianced lovers have recourse to stratagems, in order to make +each other confess their love. As to myself, I am sincere even when I +say what is not true. + + +21 May. + +I told Aniela that I intended to work, and I will do so, if only for +the reason that I said so to her. I will have the collections brought +over from Rome, and found a museum. This will be Aniela's merit, +and the first useful deed that springs from our love. I suppose the +Italian government will raise difficulties, as there is a law that +prohibits the exportation of antiquities and precious works of art. +But my lawyer will arrange that for me. And that reminds me of the +Madonna by Sassoferrato, which my father bequeathed to his future +daughter-in-law. I will have it sent over at once, because I want it. + + +22 May. + +Human nature is ever malicious. I have a grim satisfaction in thinking +how ridiculous a man like Kromitzki must seem, who is turning +summersaults in the East in his effort to make money, while somebody +whispers love vows into his wife's ears; and sooner or later Aniela +must see it in this light. The whole Kromitzki can be summed up in +the one fact: he sold Gluchow and left the women without a home. He +thought perhaps they would live in Odessa or Kieff; in the mean while +Pani Celina's illness brought Aniela to Ploszow. + +Yet he knew how precarious the lady's health was; he ought to have +foreseen that she might fall ill, and that Aniela would remain alone +with the burden of sorrow and trouble. If his business requires his +presence in the East, why did he marry at all? + +To-morrow I go back to Ploszow. I feel very lonely here, and besides +I feel the longing to look once more into Aniela's eyes, and at times +feel guilty, as if I had been shirking a duty by running away. It was +necessary at the time, but I must go back now. Who knows? greater +happiness than I suppose may be waiting for me,--perhaps she too is +longing for me. + +I called upon the Sniatynskis, and Clara, whom I did not find at home. +I paid also a visit to the celebrated beauty, Pani Korytzka. The +latter carries her historical name like a jockey cap, and her wit as +a riding-whip; she hits people with it between the eyes. I came off +unscathed; she even tried a little coquetry on me. I made a dozen or +so calls and left cards. I wish people to think that I am settled at +Warsaw. + +As the bringing over of my father's collections is only a matter of +will and ready money, I am seeking what else there is for me to do. +Men of my position are usually occupied with the administration of +their fortune; and very badly they administer it on the whole, far +worse than I. Very few take any part in public life. I mentioned +before that here they still amuse themselves with aristocracy and +democracy; there are even some whose whole aim in life consists in +backing up social hierarchy, and stemming the tide of democratic +currents. It is a sport as good as any other, but since I am no +sportsman, I take no interest in that amusement. Even if it were no +mere play, if there were some sense at the bottom of it, I am too much +of a sceptic in regard to both parties to belong to either. Democracy, +by which I mean patented democrats, not people of humble extraction, +acts upon my nerves. As to aristocracy, methinks that if their _raison +d'être_ is based upon services rendered to the country by their +ancestors, those services have often been such that the sooner their +descendants don the hair shirt and cover their heads with ashes the +better. Besides, these two parties, with the exception of a few +foolish individuals, do not really believe in themselves. Some feign +sincerity in order to serve their own ends, and as I never feign +anything, it is clear that to take part in such struggles is not the +work for me. Then there are those of the Sniatynski order who stand +above both parties, but are always ready to drown both in their +synthesis. They are, as a rule, strong men; but even if I could agree +with them I should have to do something,--mere consciousness of duty +is not work. Sniatynski writes plays. Truly, when I look things +straight in the face, I find that I am outside the parenthesis, and +do not see my way to get inside. It is strange that a man who has +considerable means, culture, certain capacities, and a wish for +something to do, should find nothing he can put his hands to. Again +I feel inclined to swear, as it is all owing to that intellectual +splitting of hairs. They ought to make a diagnosis upon me, as to the +disease of Time's old age, which in me has reached the acute stage. +He who is a sceptic in regard to faith, in regard to science, +conservatism, progress, and so on, has indeed difficulty in finding +anything to do. + +In addition to all that, my aspirations are far greater than the +possibility of satisfying them. Life rests upon work; and therefore, +here people work at something or other. But it is the work of a +dray-horse, carting grain to the granary. I could not do it even if I +wished. I am a high-stepper, fit only for a carriage, and of no use on +sandy, rutty roads, where common horses do the work better and more +steadily. At the building of a house I could not carry the bricks, but +might do something in the ornamental line, but where it is a question +of four simple walls and a sound roof, artisans such as I are not +wanted. If at least I had a mighty impulse towards work, I still might +be able to force myself to do something. But in the main, it is only a +question of appearances. I wish to work in order to please the woman +I love. Aniela in regard to that has exalted notions, and it would +certainly please her. Moreover, for that very reason my vanity and +also my calculations urge me to bid for a prominent position, which +would raise my value in her eyes. I will see what can be done, and +in the meanwhile my purse will do the work for me. I shall have the +collection sent over, support various institutions, and give money +where it is wanted. + +What a strange power there is in woman! She comes in contact with a +genius without portfolio, an exceptionally useless implement like me, +and then, without any preaching on her part, he feels himself in duty +bound to do all sorts of things he never dreamed of doing before. + +The deuce take me if I ever thought of bringing my collections to +Paris or Vienna for the sake of a Parisian or Viennese. I am going +back to Ploszow; I long to be near my good spirit. + + +23 May. + +When I went away from Ploszow for some time, it was to bring Aniela +to some kind of decision. At Warsaw and on the way back to Ploszow, I +tried to guess what she had resolved upon. I knew she could not write +to her husband: "Come and take me away, for Ploszowski is making love +to me;" she would not have done so even if she hated me. There is too +much delicacy of feeling in her to do that. Putting aside that an +encounter between me and Kromitzki might be the consequence of such a +step, Aniela would have to leave her sick mother, who cannot go away +from Ploszow. + +Aniela's position is indeed a difficult one, and I counted upon that +before I made my confession. The thought crossed my mind that she +might take it into her head to avoid me altogether, and shut herself +up in her mother's rooms. But I dismissed the thought. In the country +and under the same roof it would be quite impracticable, or at any +rate so conspicuous as to rouse the elder ladies' attention and +consequently act injuriously upon her mother's health. In truth I take +the utmost advantage of her position, but who that is in love does not +do the same? I foresaw that Aniela, even if she returns my love, will +not allow me in the future to repeat my avowal,--she will resist more +than any other married woman; for what with her principles and her +modesty, the slightest sign of yielding would appear to her an +incredible crime. But how can she prevent me from telling her my love? +There is only one way,--by getting from me a voluntary promise; I +guessed she would speak to me about it, and I was right. + +When I arrived at Ploszow she seemed pale, and a little worn, but +looked at me with a resolute face. It was evident the dear child had +laid by a whole store of arguments to convince me with, and believed +that after displaying them there would be nothing for me but to remain +silent forever. Angelic delusion; to think there is only one truth in +the world. No! do not enter into any arguments with me, my Aniela, for +if I believe in any truth, it is the truth and right of love; besides, +I am too wily, and each argument will be turned inside out like a +glove and made into a weapon against yourself. Neither argument nor +reasoning, not even my pity will save you; for the whiter, the more +perfect and angelic you prove yourself, the more I shall love you, and +the more I love, the more desirable you will be to me. I have nothing +but crocodile tears for you, which will only sharpen my rapacity. Such +is the mazy circle of love. At the sight of Aniela I felt myself drawn +into that circle. In the afternoon, that same day, when Pani Celina +had fallen asleep on the veranda, Aniela motioned me to follow her +into the park. From the earnest expression of her face, I guessed that +the time had come for those arguments, and I followed her eagerly. As +we went farther from the veranda, I noticed that Aniela's animation +began to flag; she had grown paler and seemed frightened at her own +temerity; but she could not draw back now, and began in an unsteady +voice:-- + +"If you only knew how unhappy I have been these last days--" + +"Do you think I have been much happier?" I replied. + +"I know you have not, and because of that I have a request to make. +You understand everything, and are so good and generous you will not +refuse what I ask you." + +"Tell me, what do you want me to do?" + +"Leon, you must leave here, go abroad again, and do not come back +until mamma and I are able to leave Ploszow." + +I was sure she would ask me that. I remained silent for a while as if +searching for an answer. + +"You can do with me what you like," I said; "but tell me, why do you +send me into exile?" + +"I do not send you into exile; but you know why--" + +"I know," I replied, with unfeigned sadness and resignation; "it is +because I am ready to give the last drop of my blood for you, because +I would shield you with my body from any danger, because I love you +more than my life,--these are heavy sins indeed!" + +"No," she interrupted, with feverish energy, "but because I am the +wife of a man I love and respect,--and I will not listen to such +words." + +Impatience and anger seized me; I knew she did not speak the truth. +All married women shield themselves with love and respect for the +husband when they arrive at a turning-point of their life, though +there may not be a shadow of that feeling in their hearts; +nevertheless, Aniela's words sent a shock through my nerves, and I +could scarcely repress the exclamation: "You say what is not true! you +are perjuring yourself, for you neither love nor respect the man;" but +the thought that her energy would not hold out long made me refrain, +and I replied, almost humbly:-- + +"Do not be angry with me, Aniela; I will go." + +I saw that my humility disarmed her, and that she felt sorry for me. +Suddenly she pulled a leaf from a low-hanging branch, and began to +tear it nervously to pieces. She made superhuman efforts not to burst +into tears, but I saw her breast heaving with agitation. + +I, too, was moved to the very depth of my soul, and continued with +difficulty:-- + +"Do not wonder that I hesitate to comply with your wish, for it is +very heavy upon me. I have told you that I do not wish for anything +but to breathe the same air with you, to look at you, and God knows it +is not too much I ask for; yet such as it is, it is my all. And you +take it away from me. Think only; everybody else is allowed to come +here, to speak to you, look at you--but me. Why am I shut out? Because +you are dearer to me than to anybody else! What a refined cruelty of +fate! Only put yourself in my place. It is difficult for you, who have +never known what loneliness means; you love your husband, or think +you do, which comes to the same; put yourself for a moment into my +position, and you will understand that such a sentence is worse than +death. You ought to feel at least a little pity. Driving me from here, +you take everything from me. I told you I had come home to do some +useful work, in which I might find peace, forgetfulness, and redeem +my former sins; only recently I resolved to bring over my father's +collections; and you want me to renounce all that, bid me go away and +begin again a wandering, aimless, life. But have your wish; I will +go if you tell me the same three days hence, for I fancy you did not +quite understand what all this meant for me. Now you know, I only ask +for three days' respite, nothing more." + +Aniela covered her eyes with her hands and moaned: "Oh, my God! my +God!" + +There was something inexpressibly touching in the low cry, like the +wail of a child at its own powerlessness. There was a moment I felt +tempted to promise everything she asked. But in that wail I saw the +promise of a future victory, and I would not lose its fruits. + +"Listen to me," I said, "I will go at once, this very moment, and put +seas between us, if you tell me that it is necessary for your own +peace of mind. I speak to you now as a friend, a brother! I know from +my aunt that you loved me; if that love be still alive I will go at +your bidding." + +Sincere pain on my part dictated these words; but it was a terrible +trap for Aniela, which might wring a confession from her. If that had +happened--I do not know--maybe I should have kept my word, but as the +heavens are above us, I would have taken her into my arms. But she +only shuddered as if I had touched an open wound; then her face flamed +up in anger and indignation. "No!" she exclaimed with desperate +passion, "it is not true! not true! You may do as you like, go away +or stay, but it is not true!" The very passion with which these words +were uttered showed me that it might be true. I felt inclined to tell +her so with frank brutality, but I saw my aunt coming towards us. +Aniela was not able to conceal her emotion, and my aunt looking at her +asked at once:-- + +"What is troubling you, child? what have you two been talking about?" + +"Aniela was telling me how grieved her mother was about the sale of +Gluchow--and I do not wonder she took it so much to heart." + +Whether Aniela's strength was exhausted, or the untruth I made her +take a silent part in filled the cup of bitterness to overflowing, she +burst into incontrollable sobs that shook her like a reed; my aunt +folded her into her arms and hushed her as if she were a little child. + +"Aniela, my darling, there is no help for it; let us submit to God's +will. The hail has ruined five of my farms, and I did not even say a +word about it to Chwastowski." + +The mention of the five farms appeared to me so inappropriate, +selfish, and futile in presence of Aniela's tears that it made me +quite angry with my aunt. + +"Never mind the farms," I said brusquely, "she is grieved about her +mother;" and I went away in sorrow, for I felt I was torturing the +woman I loved beyond anything. I had conquered along the whole line, +yet I felt profoundly sad, as if the future were full of unknown +terrors. + + +25 May. + +To-day is the third day since our conversation, and as Aniela has not +referred to it again, I remain. She does not say much to me, nor does +she avoid me altogether, fearing to attract notice. I try to be good, +friendly, and attentive, but do not thrust myself in her way. I want +her to think I keep my feeling under control, but she cannot help +seeing it is there, and increasing every moment. At any rate we have a +little world to ourselves, where only we two dwell; we have our mutual +secret from the others. When we speak about indifferent topics we both +know that at the bottom of our hearts there is something we both think +about but do not put into words. This forms a tie; time and patience +will do the rest. From my love I weave a thousand threads around her, +which will bind us more and more. This would be all in vain if she +loved her husband; it would make her hate me. But the past speaks in +my favor, and the present does not not belong to Kromitzki. I still +think it over with the greatest impartiality, and I come to the same +conclusion, that she cannot love him. Aniela's resistance is the +inward struggle of an exceptionally pure soul, that does not allow a +breath of faithlessness to come near it. But she is without help in +that struggle. I know the resistance will be long, and difficult to +overcome; I must always be on the watch, give a clear account to +myself of every trifle, and weave around her strong and invisible +threads. Even if I should commit any mistakes they will be only, the +result of my love, and as such will be rather a help than a hindrance. + + +26 May. + +I told Sniatynski about my intention to have my Roman collections +conveyed to Warsaw,--calculating that it would reach the press, which +could not fail to laud me up to the sky as a public benefactor. Aniela +involuntarily must compare me to Kromitzki, which will count in my +favor. I sent also a telegram to Rome, asking for the Sassoferrato. + +During breakfast I told Aniela, in presence of the others, that my +father had left the picture to her in his will; which confused her, +and she guessed at once that he had looked upon her as his future +daughter. It is true there was no name mentioned in the will, and for +that very reason I want Aniela to have it. The mention of this bequest +reawoke in us both a host of memories. I had done this on purpose to +turn Aniela's thoughts to the past, when she loved me and could love +me in peace. I know the remembrance must be mingled with some bitter +thoughts, even some resentment; it cannot be otherwise; but it would +be worse without the message I sent her through Sniatynski. This +message is the only extenuating circumstance in the whole guilty +affair. Aniela knows that I wanted to undo the wrong, that I loved her +then, suffered, and repented,--am repenting still, and that if we are +unhappy she too helped to bring that unhappiness on both. She is bound +to absolve me in her heart, regret the past and dream what the future +might have been but for my misdeeds and her severity. Even then I was +reading in her face that she felt frightened at her own thoughts +and visions, and tried to drive them away by a conversation upon +indifferent subjects. My aunt is so full of the approaching races +and the expected victory of Naughty Boy, who is put down for the +government stakes, that she cannot think of anything else. Aniela +thereupon began to talk about the races, and made some random remarks +and asked a few questions, until my aunt got scandalized and said:-- + +"My dear child, I see you have not the slightest notion about races." + +I said to her with my eyes: "I know you want to stifle your feelings;" +and she understood me as if I had said it in so many words. And +indeed, I am quite certain that she is as much absorbed in our mutual +relation as I am. The thought of love independent of matrimony is +already planted in her soul; it is there, and does not leave her for +a moment. She must live with it, and get reconciled to it. In such a +case a woman, even if she had loved her husband, would turn from him. +A drop of water will hollow out a stone. If Aniela loves me ever so +little, if she only loves the past, she will be mine. I cannot think +of it calmly, because the foretaste of happiness is almost choking me. + +There are here and there quicksands on the seashore, and the unwary +traveller who wanders there is lost. At times it seems to me that my +love is like one of those quicksands, and that I am dragging Aniela +into it; I myself am sinking, sinking--Let it be so--but together! + + +28 May. + +My aunt is spending six to eight hours out of the twenty-four at +Burzany, one of her farms, a mile from Ploszow, where she passes her +time in contemplation of Naughty Boy, and in looking after Webb, the +English trainer. I was there above an hour yesterday. Naughty Boy is +a fine animal,--let us hope he will not be naughty when the great day +arrives. But what does it matter to me? Various business is taking me +to town, but I am loath to leave Ploszow. Pani Celina has been worse +the last few days, but young Chwast, as my aunt calls him, says it +is merely a passing symptom; he considers it necessary that somebody +should always be with the sick lady, to distract her from the thoughts +which dwell upon the loss of the dear ancestral home, and consequently +weaken her nerves. I try to show her almost a son's attention, because +in this way I earn Aniela's gratitude, and she gets used to consider +me as belonging to them. I have now not the slightest ill-feeling +towards the old lady,--she is too unhappy herself; and besides, I +begin to love everything and everybody that belongs to Aniela,--with +one exception. + +Yesterday I spent several hours with the invalid, together with Aniela +and Chwast. We were reading and talking. Pani Celina does not sleep at +night, and as the doctor does not approve of sleeping-draughts, she +dozes off in the daytime after any lengthy conversation, and strange +to say, only a sudden silence wakes her up. For this reason we keep up +the conversation or the reading. It was the same to-day. But for the +doctor's presence I could speak to Aniela with the greatest freedom. + +Just at this time the daily papers are fully occupied with the divorce +of the beautiful Pani Korytzka. Everybody talks about it, and my aunt, +who is related to the husband, is greatly shocked. I resolved to make +the most of my opportunity, and plant ideas in Aniela's mind that had +not been there before. + +"You are quite wrong, dear aunt, to blame Pani Korytzka. To me it +seems that she acts as a true and honest woman should. Where love +begins, human will ends,--even you must acknowledge that. If Pani +Korytzka loves somebody else, nothing remains for her but to leave +her husband. I know what you are going to say, and also what Aniela +thinks,--that duty still remains; is it not so?" + +"I think you too must be of the same opinion," replied Aniela. + +"Most certainly. The question is which way lies Pani Korytzka's duty." + +I do not know why, but the young doctor stipulated that he did +not recognize any free will, but afterwards listened attentively, +evidently pleased with the boldness of my views. + +But seeing astonishment on Aniela's face, I went on quickly:-- + +"What can there be more barbarous or unnatural than to ask a woman to +sacrifice the man she loves to the man she does not love? Religious +beliefs may be in contradiction with one another, but they all agree +upon the same ethics, that marriage is based upon love. What then is +matrimony? It is either something inviolable and essentially holy +when resting upon such a basis, or if otherwise, only a contract +in contradiction to religion and morality, and as such ought to be +dissolved. Otherwise speaking, a woman's duties spring from her +feelings, and not from a number of more or less solemn ceremonies, +which in themselves are only so many forms. I say this because I am a +man who puts truth above mere forms. I know the word 'faithlessness' +sounds very terrible. But do not delude yourselves with the notion +that a woman is faithless at the moment she leaves her husband. She +is faithless the very moment she feels that her love for him is gone. +What follows after is only a question of her capacity to bring things +to a logical conclusion, of her courage and her heart that knows, or +does not know, the meaning of love. Pani Korytzka loved the man for +whom she divorces her husband before she was married; the marriage +was contracted in a moment of misunderstanding, she mistaking an +exhibition of jealousy for indifference. This was her only mistake; +which she wants to correct now that she understands that it was not +right to sacrifice the man she loved to the man she looked upon with +indifference; nobody but those who will not see can call her bad or a +hypocrite." + +There was as much fiction as truth in what I was saying. I knew my +aunt would never agree to the theory that the will ends when love +steps in; but I said it to impress Aniela with the idea that there was +no doubt about it. That first lover was also an invention of my own, +to make the story more to the point. But I was perfectly sincere when +speaking about the rights and duties springing from feeling. It is +quite another thing that I might not stand up for this theory if it +did not suit me just then; but man is always subjective, especially +the man who has doubted all objective truths. + +I stood up for myself, and should have been foolish to speak against +my own interest. I counted that this kind of reasoning would hasten +the evolution of her soul, encourage her, and finally justify her in +her own eyes. Considering her great sensitiveness, I thought some of +it would take root. She understood me perfectly, and I could see that +every word thrilled her nerves; her color came and went; she put her +hands to her burning face to cool it. At last, when I had ceased +speaking, she replied:-- + +"Everything may be proved in some way or other; but when we do wrong +our conscience tells us, 'It is wrong, wrong!' and nothing can +convince it to the contrary." + +Young Chwastowski must have thought Aniela wanting in philosophical +development, and as to myself I had a sensation like that, for +instance, when a weapon comes into contact with a stone wall. Aniela's +reply, in its simplicity and dogmatism, brought to naught all my +arguments. For if the principle that the will ends where love steps in +might be open to doubt, there is no doubt whatever that where dogma +begins reasoning ceases. Women generally, and Polish women especially, +agree with logic as long as it does not bring them into danger. At the +approach of danger they shelter themselves behind the fortifications +of simple faith and catechismal truth, which strong feeling might +force to surrender, but reasoning, never. It is their weakness, and at +the same time their strength. In consequence of this their power of +reasoning is weaker than man's, but their saintliness in certain +conditions becomes unassailable. The devil can lead a woman astray +only when he inspires her with love; by way of reasoning he can do +nothing, even if for once he has the right on his side. + +In presence of these reflections I feel disheartened. I am thinking +that any structure, however cleverly and artfully raised by me, will +be pulled down by the simple words: "It is wrong; conscience does not +permit it." + +In presence of that I am powerless. I must be very careful so as +not to estrange or frighten her by the boldness of ideas I try to +acclimatize in her mind. And yet I cannot give up all endeavors of +this kind. Though they do not occupy the first place in the plan of +subduing her, they may hasten the solution. They would be of no use +whatever if it were true that she did not love me. If I had made a +mistake,--but even then there would be some kind of solution. + + +29 May. + +To-day I found Aniela standing on a chair before the old Dantzic clock +which had gone wrong. At the moment she raised herself on tip-toe to +reach the hands, the chair gave way. I had only time to cry out, "Take +care! you are falling!" I caught her in my arms, and put her on the +floor. For the twinkling of an eye I held the dear girl in my arms, +her hair touched my face, her breath fanned my cheek. I felt so dizzy +that I had to steady myself by grasping the back of a chair,--and she +saw it. She knows I love her madly. I cannot write any more. + + +30 May. + +My whole day was poisoned, for Aniela has received another letter from +Kromitzki. I heard her telling my aunt that he does not know himself +when he will be able to return,--may be shortly, or it may be two +months hence. I cannot even imagine how I shall be able to bear his +presence near Aniela. At times it seems that I simply could not bear +it. I count upon some lucky chance that will prevent his coming back. +Chwastowski says Pani Celina ought to go to Gastein as soon as she can +bear the journey. Gastein is such a distance from Baku that it may be +too far for Kromitzki to go. I shall go there as sure as there is a +heaven above us. It is a happy thought of Chwastowski's; the baths +will do us all much good. I too feel fagged and in want of bracing +mountain air, and still more in want of being near Aniela. To-morrow I +shall go to Warsaw, and send a telegram to the manager of the bathing +establishment to secure rooms for the ladies. If no rooms are to be +had, I am ready to buy a villa. When Pani Celina spoke of the trouble +and difficulties it would give Aniela were she to go there, I only +said: "Leave it all to me;" and then, in a lower voice, to Aniela: "I +will take care of her as if she were my own mother." I saw that Pani +Celina, who believes less and less in Kromitzki's millions, was afraid +I might arrange things on too expensive a scale; but I have already +settled it in my mind to show her a fictitious agreement, and take the +greater part of the expenses upon myself. Of course, I never mentioned +that I intended going there myself. I will arrange it so that the +proposal shall come from my aunt. I am quite sure that, as soon as I +unfold my plans of going somewhere in the hills to recruit my health, +the good soul will fall into the trap, and say: "Why not go with them? +it will be more comfortable for all of you." I know it will frighten +Aniela, and in the most secret recess of her heart please her a +little. Maybe it will remind her of the poet's line, "You are +everywhere: above me, around me, and within me." Then truly, my love +will surround her as with an enchanted circle, enter her heart in the +guise of thoughtfulness towards the mother,--in the guise of little +services she cannot refuse without exciting her mother's suspicions; +all this will gradually sink into her heart, in the guise of gratitude +and pity for my sufferings, will thrust itself upon her with all the +force of old memories. + +She hears my praises sung by everybody: by my aunt, who loves me +blindly as she always did; by young Chwastowski, who, to show the +impartiality people of his opinions are capable of, maintains I am an +exception in the "rotten sphere." I have even won over Pani Celina +by my attentions; she likes me now, and involuntarily, I dare say, +regrets that I am not Aniela's husband. All around Aniela there is one +great suggestion of love. + +And you, dearest, are you going to resist all these powers? When will +you come and tell me: "I cannot hold out any longer; take me,--I love +you"? + + +Warsaw, 31 May. + +Pani L., the patroness of a charitable institution, asked Clara to +give another concert for the benefit of the destitute. Clara refused +on the plea that she is busy upon a great musical work that engages +all her attention. The letter,--a very pattern of polite refusal,--was +accompanied by exactly the same sum of money the first concert had +brought in. It is easy to imagine what a sensation this act of +generosity made in Warsaw. The papers were full of it, raising the +musician and her generosity to the sky. Naturally, her private means, +which are considerable, gained in dimensions. I do not know how +society came to couple our names; perhaps, our acquaintance, dating +from a long time, our intimacy, and the exaggerated news of her wealth +gave rise to the rumor. I was at first a little angry on hearing this; +but upon maturer reflection, resolved not to give any direct denial, +because this puts my attentions towards Aniela beyond all suspicion. + +When I went to Clara's morning reception, Pani Korytzka came up to me, +and, with that witty, aggressive air of hers, asked me in presence of +some dozen people from the musical world and Warsaw society, in an +audible voice,-- + +"Tell me, cousin, who was that mythological person that could not +resist the Siren?" + +"Nobody resisted, _ma cousine_, except Ulysses; and he only because he +was tied to the mast." + +"And why have you not taken these precautions?" + +I saw some covert smiles lurking in the faces of those who witnessed +the attack, and I retorted,-- + +"Sometimes even that is of no use. You know that love sunders the +strongest ties." + +In spite of all her self-possession, Pani Korytzka grew confused, +and I gained one of those tiny victories which are comprised in the +proverb, "The scythe hit upon a stone," or in plain English, "The +biter bit." + +Whether people repeat to each other that I am going to marry Clara or +not, does not trouble me in the least; in fact, for the above stated +reason I do not mind it at all; but I did not expect that this visit +would turn out so unpleasant, and Clara herself be the cause of it. +When all the people had left, and only Sniatynski and I remained, she +sat down to the piano, and played her new concerto,--played it so +magnificently that we could not find words to express our admiration; +repeating at our request the finale, she said, suddenly,-- + +"This is my farewell, because everything comes to a finale." + +"Surely you are not thinking of leaving us?" asked Sniatynski. + +"Yes, in ten days at the furthest I must be at Frankfurt," replied +Clara. + +Thereupon Sniatynski turned to me,-- + +"And what do you say to that,--you who at Ploszow gave us to +understand, made us hope, Miss Hilst would remain with us always?" + +"Yes; and I say the same now: her memory will always remain with us." + +"Yes; I understood it so," replied Clara, with naïve resignation. + +Inwardly I was furious,--with myself, Sniatynski, and Clara. I am +neither so vain, foolish, nor mean that every conquest of that kind +should rejoice me; therefore felt annoyed at the thought that Clara +might love me, and nourish some baseless hopes. I knew she had some +kind of undefined feeling, which, given time and occasion, might +develop into something more lasting; but I had no idea this vague +feeling dared to wish or expect something. It suddenly struck me that +the announcement of her departure was prompted by a desire to find out +how I would receive the news. I received it very coolly. A love like +mine for Aniela ought to teach compassion; yet Clara's sadness and the +mention of her departure, not only did not move me, but seemed to me +an audacious flight of fancy and an insult to me. + +Why? Not from any aristocratic notions; that is certain. I could +not account at once for the strange phenomenon; but now explain it +thus,--the feeling of belonging to Aniela is so strong and exclusive +that it seems to me that any other woman wanting but one pulsation of +my heart endeavors to steal something that is Aniela's property. This +explanation is sufficient for me. No doubt, by and by I shall bid +Clara good-by, and feel as friendly as ever towards her; but the +sudden announcement of her departure gave me a distaste for her. It is +only Aniela who may with impunity trample on my nerves. Never did I +look at Clara so critically and resentfully; for the first time +I became fully aware of the amplitude of her figure, the bright +complexion, the dark hair, and blue, somewhat protruding eyes, the +lips like ripe cherries,--in brief, her whole beauty reminded me of +the cheap chromo-lithographs of harem beauties in second-class hotels. +I left her in the worst of humors, and went straight to a book-shop to +select some books for Aniela. + +For a week I had been thinking what to choose for her reading. I did +not wish to neglect anything, though I did not attach undue weight +to this, as it acts very slowly. Besides, I have noticed that to +our women, though their imagination is more developed than their +temperament, a book is always something unreal. If it falls even into +the hands of an exceptionally susceptible person, it creates in her +at the most an abstract world, that has no connection with real life +whatever. To almost none of them it occurs that ideas taken from books +can be applied to any practical purpose. I am convinced that if a +great writer tried to prove, for instance, that purity of thought and +mind were not only superfluous in a woman, but even blameworthy from +a moral point of view,--Aniela would opine that the principle might +apply to the whole world with the exception of herself. The utmost I +can hope for is that the reading of appropriate books will render her +familiar with a certain kind of broad views and thoughts. That is all +I wish for. Loving her from my whole soul, I want her to respond to +that love, and do not neglect any means towards that end. I, who never +deceive myself, confess openly that I want Aniela to sacrifice for me +her husband, but I do not want to corrupt her or to soil her purity. +Let nobody tell me that this is a sophism, and that the one includes +the other. The tormenting devil that is always within me raising +difficulties says: "You create new theories; the way of faithlessness +_is_ the way of corruption." How these conflicting thoughts tear me +to pieces! I reply to the familiar spirit: "I might doubt opposite +theories quite as much; I contrive what I can in defence of my +love,--it is my natural law." And there is a greater law still, the +law of love. Some feelings are mean and commonplace, others lofty and +full of nobility. A woman that follows the call of lofty feeling does +not lose the nobility of her soul. Such a great, exceptional love I +try to awake in Aniela, and therefore I may say conscientiously that I +do not want to corrupt her. + +Besides, these inward arguments do not lead to anything. Even if I had +not the slightest doubt that I am doing wrong, if I were unable to +give any conclusive answer to the tormenting spirit, I would not cease +loving; and always following where a greater power leads me, I should +go according to my feeling, and not according to abstract reasoning. + +But the true misfortune of those analytic and hyper-analytic modern +people is that, though not believing in the result of their analysis, +they have the invincible habit of inquiring into everything that goes +on within themselves. It is the same with me. For some time I have +been questioning myself how it is possible that a man absorbed by a +great feeling should be able to be so watchful, so calculating about +ways and means, and to account for everything as if somebody else did +it for him. I could reply to it in this way: The man of the period +reserves above everything part of himself to observe the other +part. Besides, the whole activity of a mind full of forethought, of +reflections apparently cool, stands eventually in proportion to the +temperature of the feeling. The hotter this grows, the more cool +reason is forced into service. I repeat, it is a mistake to represent +love with bandaged eyes. Love does not suppress reason, as it does +not suppress the breathing, or the beating of the heart,--it only +subjugates it. Reason thereupon becomes the first adviser, the +implement of war,--in other words, it plays the part of an Agrippa to +a Caesar Augustus. It is holding all the forces in readiness, leads +them into war, gains victories, and places the monarch on the +triumphal car; it erects finally,--not a Pantheon, like the historical +Agrippa,--but a Monotheon, where it serves its only divinity. In the +microcosm called man, the part reason plays is a still greater one +than that of chief commander,--for it reflects into infinite parts the +consciousness of everything and of self,--as a collection of properly +arranged mirrors reflect a given object infinitely. + + +1 June. + +Yesterday I received news from Gastein. The rooms for Pani Celina and +Aniela are ready. I sent them the particulars, together with a parcel +of books by Balzac and George Sand. To-day is Sunday, and the first +day of the races. My aunt has arrived from Ploszow and taken up her +abode with me. That she went to the races is a matter of course, +she is altogether absorbed in them. But our horses, Naughty Boy and +Aurora, which arrived here two days ago with the trainer Webb and Jack +Goose, the jockey, are on the list for Thursday; therefore my aunt's +attendance at the Sunday races was merely a platonic affair. The +goings on here are past all description. The stables have been +converted into a kind of fortress. My aunt fancies the jockeys of +other racing studkeepers shake in their shoes at the very mention of +Naughty Boy, and are ready to use every means to prevent his running; +consequently in every orange boy or organ grinder that comes into the +yard, she sees an enemy in disguise, bent upon some evil practice. The +Swiss porter and the servants have strict orders to keep an eye upon +everybody that comes in. In the stables, the precautions taken are +still stricter. The trainer Webb, being an Englishman, remains +impassive, but the unfortunate Jack Goose, a native of Burzany, and +whose name is a literal translation from the Polish Kuba Gonsior, +fairly loses his head; my aunt scolds him and the grooms, natives also +of Burzany, whenever she fancies things are going wrong. She was so +much at the stables that I did not see much of her, and only when +departing she told me that Aniela was to come for the races. I suppose +Pani Celina consented to this in order to please my aunt; besides, she +can very well remain alone for one day, with the doctor and the maids +to look after her. Aniela, who is walled up at Ploszow day after day, +really wants a little change. For me this is joyful news indeed. The +very thought that she will be under my roof has a singular charm for +me. Here I began to love her and maybe her heart kept beating a little +faster after that entertainment my aunt gave here in her honor. +Everything here will remind her of the past. + + +2 June. + +It is fortunate I did not have the rooms altered to suit a museum. I +have an idea to give a dinner-party after the races. In this way I +shall be able to keep her here a few hours longer,--and besides, she +will understand that it is all for her. + + +3 June. + +I ordered a cartload of plants and flowers to put along the staircase +and in the rooms. Aniela's room remains exactly as it was when she +occupied it. I suppose the ladies will arrive in the morning and +Aniela will want to change her dress. I had a large mirror put there, +and every requisite for a lady's toilet. Aniela will meet everywhere +proofs of thoughtfulness, memory, and faithful love. Only now, while +writing, it strikes me how much easier I feel when occupied with +something, when outward activity takes me out of the enchanted circle +of reflection and pondering over myself. Even driving nails into +the wall for the pictures of the future museum would be better than +twisting one idea around another. Why cannot I be a simple-minded man? +If I had been that in times gone by I should be now the happiest man +in the world. + + +4 June. + +I went to-day to invite the Sniatynskis and several other people to +dinner. Sniatynski has spread the news of my founding a museum for the +public, and I am at present the hero of the day. All the papers write +about it, improving the occasion as usual by pitching into those that +waste their substance abroad instead of doing good to the country. +I know their style so well, and it amuses me. There are the usual +phrases about a citizen's duties and "noblesse oblige," but it suits +my purpose. I gathered the whole packet to show my aunt and Aniela. + + +5 June. + +The races have been fixed a day sooner because of to-morrow's holiday. +Aniela and my aunt arrived this morning with a maid and sundry boxes +containing their racing toilets. The first glance at Aniela filled me +with terror. She does not look well at all; her face is wan and +has lost its former warm color; it seems smaller too, and there is +something misty about her that reminds me of Puvis de Chawannes' +figures. My aunt and her mother do not notice it, because they see her +every day; but to me, after the absence of a few days, the change is +very remarkable. I am seized with contrition and sincere pity. It is +evident that the inward struggle is telling upon her. If she would +only end it, and follow the dictates of a heart that is mine,--a +hundred times mine and pleads for me,--all her troubles would +cease and happiness begin. I am getting deeper and deeper into the +quicksands. It seemed to me that I knew her so well; every detail and +every feature stands out before my eyes when I do not see her, and yet +when I meet her, after a few days' absence, I discover a new charm, +and find something new I like in her. How she satisfies my every +taste, and I am deeply conscious that she is my type,--my only +affinity. This consciousness gives me a belief, half mystic, half +approaching the natural hypothesis, that she was meant for me. When +hearing the sound of wheels, I ran down to meet her, and again had the +sensation one might call falling under the spell; again the reality +seemed to me more perfect than the picture I carry in my heart. She +was dressed in a dust-cloak of Chinese silk; a long gray veil was +twisted round her hat and tied under her chin, and from amid that +frame the dear face, always more like a girl's than a married woman's, +smiled at me. Her greeting was more cheerful and more frank than +usual; it was evident the morning drive and the prospect of a little +pleasure had brightened her spirits; this filled me with delight. I +thought, "She is glad to see me again, and Ploszow appears to her dull +and empty without me." I offered one arm to my aunt and the other to +Aniela, as the staircase is wide enough for three persons, and led +them upstairs. At the sight of all the plants and flowers she uttered +a little cry of wonder. + +"It is my surprise," I said. + +I pressed her arm slightly, so slightly that it might have passed for +an accidental movement, and then turning to my aunt, said:-- + +"I am giving a dinner in honor of the Ploszowski success." + +My aunt was deeply gratified with my belief in that event. Ah! if she +knew how little I care for Naughty Boy, and all the races the Ploszow +horses might win on all the race-courses of Europe. Aniela evidently +guessed something of this, but she was in such spirits that she only +cast a passing glance at me, and bit her lips to hide a smile. + +I well-nigh lost my head. In the covert smile I saw a shade of +coquetry I had never noticed there before. It is impossible, I +thought, that she should have no vanity whatever, and not feel +flattered in the least, on perceiving that all I am doing is done +through her and for her sake. + +My aunt divested herself of her travelling-wraps, and without delay +went to inspect Naughty Boy and Aurora, and I showed Aniela the list +of the invited guests. + +"I tried to bring together people you like; but if there is anybody +else you would like to have, I will go myself, or send an invitation." + +"Show it to aunty;" replied Aniela, "let her decide." + +"No; aunty will sit at the head of the table, and we shall go to her +with our congratulations or condolences, as the case may be; but the +part of lady of the house I have assigned to you." + +Aniela blushed a little, and, trying to change the conversation, +said:-- + +"Leon, I do hope Naughty Boy will win; aunty has set her heart upon +it, and will be so vexed if it should turn out otherwise." + +"I have won already, because I have as guest under my roof a certain +small person who is sitting opposite me." + +"You are making fun; but I am really anxious about it." + +"My aunt," I replied, more seriously, "will have some compensation if +she loses. My collections will be in Warsaw in a few weeks, and this +has been the dearest wish of her life. She always tried to make my +father give them to the town. All the papers are full of it, and +praise me to an extent you have no idea of." + +The dear face lit up with pleasure. + +"Show me; read it to me," she said eagerly. + +I had a desire to kiss her hands for that glimpse of brightness. It +was a new proof. If I were indifferent to her, would she rejoice so +much when I am praised? + +"Not now," I replied. "I will read it when my aunt comes back, or +rather she must read it, and I will hide my blushes behind you; you, +at least, shall not see how foolish I look." + +"Why should you look foolish?" + +"Because the thing is not worth all the fuss, and if there be any +merit in it, it is yours, not mine. They ought to praise you. I would +give a good deal if I could tell those journalists: 'If you think well +of it, go _en masse_ and kneel at certain little feet and pour out +your gratitude there!'" + +"Leon! Leon!" interrupted Aniela. + +"Now do not say a word, lest I should feel tempted to divulge the +great secret." + +Aniela did not know what to say. The words were those of a man in +love; but the tone was so playful and jesting that she could not +possibly receive them in a tragic spirit. + +I was glad I had discovered a way by which I could convey a deeper +meaning without absolutely frightening her. But I did not take too +much advantage of it, and presently, in a more serious tone, began +telling her about the projected changes in the house. + +"The whole story is to be given up to the collections, with the +exception of the room in which you lived last winter. This remains as +it was. I have only permitted myself to adorn it a little for your +reception." + +Saying this I led her to the door. Standing on the threshold she +exclaimed with astonishment:-- + +"Oh, what lovely flowers!" + +I said in a low voice:-- + +"And you the most lovely among them!" + +Then added, earnestly:-- + +"You believe me, Aniela, if I tell you that it is in this room I wish +to die some day!" + +Oh, how much sincerity there was in these words. Aniela's face grew +misty; all the radiance had gone. I saw that my words had touched a +chord, as all words do that come from the depth of the soul. For +a moment her whole body swayed as if some inward power pushed her +towards me. But she resisted still. She stood before me, her eyes +veiled by the long lashes, and said, with mournful dignity:-- + +"Let me be at ease with you, Leon; do not sadden me." + +"Very well, Aniela; I will not say anything more; here is my hand upon +it." + +I gave her my hand, and she pressed it warmly, as if by that pressure +she wanted to say all she forbade her lips to utter. It indemnified me +for all I had suffered, and almost made me stagger on my feet. For +the first time I felt distinctly that I was taking for my own this +being,--body and soul. It was a sensation of such immeasurable +happiness as to cause me almost pain. New, unknown worlds began +to open for me. From this moment I grew quite convinced that her +resistance was only a question of time. + +My aunt returned from the stables in excellent humor; no attempt had +been made upon Naughty Boy's precious health. The trainer, Webb, to +all inquiries, had the same answer,--"All right." Jack Goose was +animated by the boldest spirit. We went to the window to see the +future conquerors come from the stables; for it was time they went to +the Mokotoff Field, there to pace around until their turn arrived. +A few minutes later we saw the grooms leading them into the yard, +encased from top to bottom as in a pillow-slip. Only the soft eyes +were visible through the slit; and from below, the shapely feet that +seemed wrought in steel. They were followed by Webb and our little +home-bred Englishman, Jack Goose, in a new overcoat, which concealed +his silks and jockey-boots. I called out to him through the open +window:-- + +"Mind, and don't get beaten, Kuba!" + +He raised his cap, and pointing with it at Naughty Boy, replied in the +purest, not London, but Bursany, dialect:-- + +"Bedom prosz jasnie hrabiego widzieli, ale ino jegozad." (They will +see him, my lord, but only his hind-quarters.) + +We sat down to a hurried lunch; nevertheless my aunt had time to read +what the papers had to say about the future museum. It is strange how +sensitive women are to public applause for their nearest mankind. My +aunt fairly beamed at me through her spectacles, and was incomparable +when she now and then, interrupting the reading, glanced keenly at +Aniela, and then said in her most dogmatic tone:-- + +"They do not exaggerate the least bit. He was always like that." + +Praise heaven there was not another sceptic mind present, otherwise I +should have looked foolish indeed. + +It was time for the ladies to dress. Before leaving the room my aunt +turned to me and said with the most innocent expression of face:-- + +"We must be quick, for I promised to call for Panna Zawilowski; she +was going with her father, but as he is suffering from an attack of +gout I shall have to chaperon her." + +With this she went to her room. We looked at each other, Aniela and I; +the corners of her mouth twitched with merriment. "Aniela, it is a new +matrimonial scheme, what shall I do?" She put a finger to her lips +in warning that I spoke too loud, and disappeared within her room; +presently the lovely head peeped out through the half-open door. + +"I just remembered you have not asked Miss Hilst," she said. + +"No, I have not asked her." + +"Why?" + +"Because I love her on the sly," I retorted, laughing. + +"Seriously, why did you not invite her?" + +"If you wish I will invite her now." + +"It is as you wish," she replied, and disappeared again. + +But I preferred not to invite Miss Hilst. + +An hour later we were driving in the Belvederski Avenue. Aniela wore a +cream-colored dress trimmed with lace. I have such a knack of saying +with my eyes what my lips must not utter, that Aniela read in them +my rapture. I recognized it in her face, that looked half-pleased, +half-vexed. We stopped on the way before the Zawilowski villa, and +before I had time to ring, the door opened, and Panna Zawilowska +herself came out. She stood before me a vision in silver gray, rather +a cold vision, as she barely nodded to me before going to my aunt. +She is rather plain than pretty,--a blond with steely blue eyes and +studied manners. She is considered a very pattern of distinction, and +with good reason; that is, if distinction means the same as stiffness. +Her treatment of me is as cold as her eyes, too cold even to be quite +natural. If this is a method adopted on purpose to chafe my vanity, it +is very foolish, for it only bores me, and does not provoke me in the +least. I am rather glad of it, as it permits me to pay her only such +attentions as simple politeness exacts. + +To-day I paid her a little more attention; she served me in fact as +a screen to avert any suspicion from Aniela. Presently we drove on +again, but very slowly, as in front and in rear as far as the eye +could reach, all sorts of vehicles were moving in the same direction. +Before us and behind, there was a perfect stream of sunshades; the +various colors of which shone in the sun and created a warmly tinted +shadow from beneath which peeped forth, women's heads with delicate +and refined features. There was the average number of pretty faces, +but they expressed a want of temperament. I did not even see it in the +financial world, which, besides many other things, puts on temperament +rather than possesses it in reality. Among the carriages not a few +displayed considerable taste, and the bright toilets changing and +gleaming in the sun on a background of green trees, the crowds of +fine people and fine horses gave the whole show a highly civilized +appearance, not lacking either in picturesqueness. I was glad to see +Aniela pleased with the motion and turmoil. Replying to my casual +remarks she looked at me with gratitude as if it were I that had +arranged it all for her pleasure. Sitting opposite, I could look at +her without constraint, but I turned oftener towards Panna Zawilowska, +from whom blew a cold air, as from a decanter of iced water, which +began to amuse me; her words and manner seemed to imply that she +agreed to my society, because politeness did not permit her to do +otherwise. I treated her with a certain good-humored courtesy that +seemed to irritate her not a little. + +We arrived at last on the Mokotoffskie Pola. There was a reserved +place near the grand stand for my aunt's carriage, and presently +various acquaintances with tickets stuck on their hats came up and +congratulated her upon the promising appearance of Naughty Boy. One of +the greatest horsebreeders said to her that the horse was a splendid +animal, though not sufficiently trained; but as the turf was soft from +yesterday's rain, a strong animal like Naughty Boy stood a fair chance +of coming in a winner. + +It seemed to me that he spoke a little ironically, which made me feel +uneasy. Naughty Boy's defeat would spoil the day for my aunt, and +indirectly for me, too, as her bad humor would damp our pleasure. In +the mean while I looked around me at the field, and searched for known +faces. The race course was thronged with people. The grand stand +looked like a dark, compact mass, relieved by bright female toilets. +The course was surrounded by rows after rows of spectators; even the +town walls were alive with them. On either side of the grand stand +stood a long line of carriages; each separately looked like a +flower-basket. Not very far from where I stood I became suddenly aware +of a pink face and aggressive little nose that could not belong to +anybody but Pani Sniatynska. I went up to her and she told me her +husband had just left her to look for Miss Hilst; and then, almost in +one breath, asked me how my aunt was, whether Aniela was at the races, +how the ladies would manage their journey to Gastein since Pani Celina +could not walk, whether I thought Naughty Boy would win the race, and +what we would do if he lost, and how many people had I invited to +dinner. While standing near her carriage I noticed what a sweet +expression her face has, and the pretty foot that peeped forth from +the carriage; but as to answering all the questions, I should have to +borrow Gargantua's mouth, as Shakspeare says. Replying to one or two +of the questions and saying I hoped to see her after the races, I +followed Sniatynski's track in search of Clara. I found her carriage +not far from my aunt's. Clara looked like a hill covered with +heliotrope blossoms. I found her surrounded by a host of admirers and +artists, conversing gayly with them. Her face clouded when she saw me, +and my reception was of the coolest. A friendly word from me would +have changed all that, but I remained cold; after a quarter of an +hour's polite and ceremonious conversation, I went farther, exchanging +here and there a few words with people I knew, and then turned toward +our own carriage. The first two races had taken place, and Naughty +Boy's turn came at last. + +I looked at my aunt; the expression of her face was very solemn; she +evidently tried her best to keep cool. On the contrary, Aniela's face +showed evident uneasiness. We had to wait some time before the horses +came out, because the weighing lasted unusually long. Suddenly +Sniatynski came running up, gesticulating with both hands, and showing +some bits of paper. + +"I have put a pot of money on Naughty Boy," he exclaimed; "if he +betrays me, I shall have to throw myself upon your well-known +charity." + +"I trust--" began my aunt, with all her dignity. + +But she did not finish her sentence, as at this moment from amid the +dark mass of people there rose the varicolored caps and silks of the +jockeys. The horses were slowly trotting along. Some of them, finding +themselves in the open, quickened their pace; others followed more +leisurely. At the start they passed us in a group and not very fast, +so as to save their horses' strength, the race being a double one. But +at the second turn they were drawn out in a line. It looked as if the +wind had scattered the petals of some flowers along the road. The +first was a jockey in white, closely followed by another in pale blue +and red, then two together, one in red, the other in red and yellow; +our Kuba in orange and black was last but one, followed by a jockey +in white and blue. This order did not last long. When the horses had +reached the other side of the course, there arose some commotion in +the carriages. The more excited ladies climbed up on the seats so as +not to lose the least part of the race; their example was followed by +my aunt, who evidently could not sit still any longer. + +Aniela offered her place to Panna Zawilowska, who, after some +ceremonious protests, accepted it; and I helped Aniela to the back +seat, and, as she had nothing to hold on by, offered her my hand. I +confess that I did not think of the race so much as of the dear little +hand that rested so trustingly in mine. + +My aunt's back obscured the view a little; but raising myself on +tiptoe, I swept the whole field with my eyes, and saw the jockeys +drawing near the curve of the other side. Seen from this distance, +they looked like bright-colored beetles flying through the air; the +motion appeared slow, and the throwing out of the horses' fore and +hind legs almost mechanical. But in spite of the apparent slowness, +they cleared the ground very swiftly. + +The order of the riders was changed again. The white was still +leading, followed by the red; but our Kuba was third now. The others +remained behind, and the distance between them grew wider every +moment. Naughty Boy was evidently not the worst among them. For a +moment I lost sight of him, and presently saw him again as they passed +us. The red was close upon the white, and Kuba gaining ground. I now +observed for the first time that the white would have no chance, as +the horse's flanks shone with moisture, as if water had been poured +over him. It was clear the race would lie between the red and orange +and black. At the worst, Naughty Boy would be second, and the defeat +not so complete. What inspired me with confidence was the horse's +pace; he threw out his legs so evenly, as if he performed a daily +task. The spectators' excitement became greater every moment. + +"Has Naughty Boy lost?" asked Aniela, in a low, excited voice, seeing +the order in which the horses came past the stand. + +"No, dear; they have still another round," I replied, pressing her +hand slightly. She did not withdraw her hand; it is true that her +whole attention was absorbed in the race. When the horses came to the +other side, Kuba was second, the white was so exhausted that he had to +fall back, and the three following riders came up to him. It was now a +race between the two, and there were only five or six lengths between +them. Suddenly a loud murmur from the stand told us that something +unusual had happened; Kuba was coming up to his adversary. The murmurs +on the stand grew into a tumult. Aniela was so carried away by +excitement that she squeezed my hand nervously, and asked every +moment, "What are they doing now?" The riders were on the left side of +the field. The red, by the help of his whip, had gained a little; +but presently Naughty Boy almost touched him with his nose. In this +furious pace they came both on a line with the stand, where we lost +sight of them again. The struggle would be over now in a few seconds. +On the stand there was a momentary silence, which suddenly changed +into loud, prolonged cheering. Many people were running along the +lines which hide the road, and at this moment we saw the red nostrils; +the horse's head, stretched out like a cord, orange and black, was +carried along as if by a hurricane. The bell rang on the grand +stand,--the victory was ours. + +The red had lost by a dozen lengths. + +I must say for my aunt that she never lost her self-possession. Nobody +but me noticed the few drops of perspiration which stood on her +forehead; she fanned with her pocket-handkerchief. Aniela was excited, +amused, and happy. We both congratulated our aunt; even Panna +Zawilowska said a few French sentences, stiff and proper, as if taken +from a copy-book. Presently a crowd of acquaintances thronged around +our carriage, and my aunt's triumph was complete. + +I was also intoxicated, but by something quite different; namely, +the pressure of Aniela's hand. In vain I said to myself that it was +nothing but the excitement of the moment; because it occurred to me +that a woman's resistance often passes a crisis in such moments of +exaltation, when carried beside herself by some amusement, beautiful +view, or other circumstance different from the even tenor of every-day +life. Then a certain relaxation of the nerves takes place, in presence +of which a loss of the usual balance is easily explained. Taking +into account this special state of Aniela's mind, I arrived at the +conclusion that she did not fight against her feeling any longer; and +I resolved to put an end to it. + +I suppose at Ploszow there will be no difficulty about a chance. We go +back to-morrow. To-day's entertainment, the dinner, the conversation, +and the excitement are so many drops of narcotic. She does not +even suppose what happiness there is in store for us; but she must +surrender her soul to me, wholly and unconditionally. + +Though my aunt had notified Pani Celina that we might remain at Warsaw +until the next day, we really intended going back after dinner,--when +something occurred that prevented our starting. Dinner and tea +afterwards lasted until ten o'clock. When the last of our guests had +departed somebody came to tell my aunt that Naughty Boy had been taken +ill. There was a great confusion. The vet was sent for in a hurry, but +it was midnight before he arrived. My aunt would not think of going so +late as that. + +Aniela wanted to go very much, but knew I would have to go with her; +and she is still afraid of me. My aunt told her she would only rouse +the whole house, disturbing thereby her mother, and wound up by +saying:-- + +"Leon does not mind my looking at his house as my own; consequently +you are my guest. It would be the same if I gave up Ploszow to him; I +should live there, and you with me,--at least, so long as Celina has +not recovered her health." + +And finally Aniela had to remain. + +It is now three o'clock in the morning. It is already growing light; +but lanterns are still flitting across the yard near the stables, +where they are busy with Naughty Boy. + +My aunt, when wishing us good-night, announced that she intended to +remain a day longer at Warsaw; whereupon I said that I had left some +papers at Ploszow, and would go and fetch them, and see Aniela home at +the same time. We shall be alone, and I will hesitate no longer. The +blood rushes to my heart at the thought that I shall travel, though +only a short distance, with the dear love close to my heart, and +listen to her confession that she loves me as much as I love her. + +The sky is clouded, and it has begun to rain. A few hours only divide +me from the moment when a new life is to begin for me. Of course I do +not sleep; I could not sleep now for anything in the world. There is +no heaviness on my eyelids,--I write, and recall memories. I still +seem to feel the pressure of her hand on mine. I made that soul, +educated, developed it, and prepared it for love. I am like the head +of an army, who has foreseen all chances, arranged and calculated +everything, and does not sleep on the eve of the day that will decide +his fate. But Aniela sleeps peacefully on the other side of the house; +and even her dreams plead for me, for my love. When I think of this, +all my nerves are vibrating. + +In that ocean of trouble, evil, foolishness, uncertainties, and doubts +we call life, there is one thing worth living for, as certain and as +strong as--nay, stronger than--death; and that is love. Beyond it +there is nothingness. + + +6 June. + +I went with Aniela, and am even now asking myself, "Have I gone mad?" +I did not hold her close to my heart, did not hear an avowal of love. +I was spurned without a moment's hesitation; all her modesty risen +in arms, she reduced me to a mere nothing. What is it? Am I a fool +without brains, or has she no heart? What am I fighting against? What +are the obstacles in my way? Why does she spurn me? My head is in such +a chaotic state that I can neither think, write, nor reason. I only +repeat to myself, over and over again, "What is it that bars my way?" + + +7 June. + +I have made an enormous mistake somewhere; there is something in +Aniela I have not observed or taken into account. For two days I have +tried to understand what has happened to me, but my head was in such a +whirl that I could not think. Now I am collecting my thoughts, pulling +myself together to look the situation in the face. It would be clear +enough if Aniela were guarded by a strong love for her husband. I +could understand then the offended modesty and indignation with which +a being, so meek and sweet-tempered usually, spurned me from her feet. +But I cannot even suppose such a thing. I have still enough brains +left to know that it is a mistake to see things too black, as it is +a mistake to see them too rose-colored. Where should her love for +Kromitzki have come from? She married him without love. In the short +time they lived together, he deceived her and sold the land so dear +to both of those women, and injured her mother's health. They have no +child; besides, a child does not teach a woman to love her husband; it +only teaches her to take him into account; it makes her safer,--that +is to say, it strengthens the union of hands, not of hearts. Aniela +besides does not belong to that kind of women to whom love comes +suddenly, as a revelation after marriage; women like that pine more +after their husbands, or more readily take a lover. I speak of all +this in such a matter of fact way that it hurts me; but why should +I spare myself? Finally, I am convinced she has no feeling even +approaching to love for Kromitzki,--what is more, does not even +respect him; she does not permit herself to despise him, that is all. +I consider that as proved, otherwise I should be blind. + +Then if her heart at the moment of my return was a _tabula rasa_ I +must have contrived to write something on it, I who managed this in +other conditions, and was more bent on it than I ever was on anything +in my life, who worked upon her feelings of friendship, touched the +chords of pity and memories of the past, not neglecting anything, +considering every trifle, and moreover am possessed of the power a +strong, earnest feeling gives. I take myself by the shoulders: "Man, +whatever you may be, you are not a provincial lion, that considers +himself irresistible to any woman chance throws in his way; have you +not deluded yourself into the belief that she loves you?" + +What speaks in favor of its being a delusion? + +At the first glance, her resistance. + +But I never supposed for a moment that she would not resist. I fancy +to myself any other married woman, desperately in love with another +man; can one suppose she would not resist and struggle against it and +the loved one, until her strength gave way? Resistance is not the +outcome of love, but since those two forces can exist side by side +like two birds in a nest, one does not exclude the other. + +I write this diary not only because it has become my second nature, my +passion, not only because it gives an outlet for my pent-up feelings, +but still more because it gives me a clear view and keeps account of +all that is passing. I read over again the pages where I have written +down my and Aniela's history from the time of my arrival at Ploszow. +I have taken note of well-nigh every glance, every smile and tear, +caught every tremor of her heart; and no! I do not deceive myself, the +analysis is not wrong! Hers were the tears, the words, the glances and +smiles of a woman--maybe unhappy--but not indifferent. I must have +influenced her, made an impression upon her. I am not blind; it tears +my heart day after day to see how her face is getting smaller, the +hands more transparent--and it makes my hair stand on end to think she +is paying out her life in this struggle. But all these are invincible +proofs. Her heart, her thoughts belong to me. For that very reason she +is unhappy--perhaps even more unhappy than I. + +I read over what I wrote a moment ago,--that I did not even suppose +she would not resist. I thought so soon after my return to Ploszow, +but lately and when she was at Warsaw I fancied that I saw signs of +yielding. I was wrong. She did not give way in the least, showed no +sign of pity; my words to which she would not even listen seemed +blasphemy to her. I saw in her eyes sparks of anger and resentment; +she tore away her hands I covered with kisses, and the words: "You +insult me!" were continually on her lips. Her energy daunted me the +more as I had least expected such an explosion of wrath. Ah me! She +threatened to leave the carriage and go on foot in the pelting rain +to Ploszow. The word "divorce" acted upon her as a red-hot iron. I +obtained nothing, nothing, nothing with all my eloquence and audacity; +neither my entreaties nor my love moved her; she took everything as an +insult to her womanhood, spurned my love and trampled on it. To-day +when I see her so meek and sweet-tempered it seems like a horrid +dream, and I can scarcely believe that it is the same woman. I cannot +hide it from myself; I have met with a defeat so complete and decisive +that if I had the strength, or anything else to live for I ought to go +away at once. + +Supposing she does love me, what good can it be to me if that feeling +is to remain for ever imprisoned within her own heart, and never show +itself--either in word or deed? I might as well be loved by Greek +Helen, Cleopatra, Beatrice, or Mary Stuart. Such must be the feeling +which does not desire anything, exact anything, and is sufficient +unto itself. Maybe her heart belongs to me, but it is a faint heart, +incapable of any action. + +Possibly she poses before herself as a lofty soul, sacrificing her +love upon the altar of duty--and pleases herself in that pose. It is a +satisfaction worth doing something for. Be it so! Sacrifice me; but if +you think you sacrifice much in immolating your feeling, and feed your +duty upon it, you are mistaken. I cannot, I cannot either think or +write calmly. + + +8 June. + +A coquette is like a usurer, giving very little and exacting upon it a +high percentage. To-day, as I am growing more composed and can think +again, I must render Aniela justice; she never encouraged me or +exacted anything. What I mistook for a touch of coquetry at Warsaw +was mere joyfulness of a youthful spirit that had shaken itself +momentarily free from all trouble. All that has happened was brought +on by me. I made mistake after mistake, and it is all my fault. + +To know something, and to make it a matter of calculation are two +different things. We account to ourselves for unknown factors which +act upon the soul of a given individual, but in dealing with the same +we generally take ourselves as a point of issue. This happened to me. +I knew, or at least was conscious of the fact, that Aniela and I are +as different from each other as if we were the inhabitants of two +separate planets, but I did not always remember it. Involuntarily I +counted upon her acting in a certain position as I should have acted. + +In spite of the consciousness that we two are the most dissimilar +beings under the sun, as opposite as the poles, I note it down with a +certain surprise, and seem not able to get used to the thought. And +yet it is true. I am a thousand times more like Laura Davis than +Aniela. + +And now I begin to understand why I failed. + +The rock I split against is the want of that which has vanished within +me, thereby freeing my thoughts, but bringing instead of it the mortal +disease that has become my tragedy; it is the catechismal simplicity +of the soul. + +Now I can account for it clearly, perhaps not quite satisfactorily, +for I am of so complex a disposition as to have lost the very instinct +of simplicity. "I hear thy voice, but I see thee not." My spiritual +sight suffers from Daltonian disease and cannot distinguish colors. + +I cannot even understand how any one can accept a principle, however +hallowed by ages, without looking at it from both sides, pulling it to +pieces, into shreds and atoms, until it crumbles into dust and cannot +be put together any more. + +Aniela cannot understand that a principle once considered good, +hallowed by religion, as well as by public opinion, could be +considered otherwise than as a sacred duty. + +It does not matter to me whether she is conscious of it, or it is +instinctive impulse reasoned out by her intelligence, or merely +acquired; it is enough that it has entered her very nature. + +I had a glimpse of it the other day when I spoke about Pani Korytzka's +divorce suit: "You can prove everything, and yet when one does wrong +conscience tells us: 'It is wrong, it is wrong!'" I did not then +attach the importance to these words that belonged to them. In Aniela +there is no wavering, no doubt whatever. Her soul winnows the chaff +from the grain with such precision that there can be no question about +its purity. She does not try to find her own norma, but takes it +ready-made from religion, general moral principles, and clings to +them so strongly that they become her very own, for they permeate her +system. The simpler the differential quality of good and evil, the +more absolute and merciless it grows. In this ethical code there are +no extenuating circumstances. As according to it the wife belongs to +her husband, she who gives herself to another does wrong. There are no +discussions, no considerations, or reflections,--there is the right +hand for the righteous, the left for the sinners, God's mercy above +all,--but nothing between, no intermediate place. + +It is the code of the honest villager, so simple that people like me +do not understand it. It seems to us that human life and human souls +are too complex to find room in it. Unfortunately we have not found +anything to replace it, and consequently we flutter here and there +like stray birds, in loneliness and alarm. + +The greater part of our women still hold fast to that code. Even those +who occasionally stray from it do not permit themselves a momentary +doubt as to its truth and sacredness. Where it begins, reasoning +leaves off. + +The poets erroneously represent woman as an enigma, a living Sphinx. +Man is a hundred times more of an enigma and a Sphinx. A healthy woman +that is not hysterical may be either good or bad, strong or weak, but +she has more spiritual simplicity than man. Forever and all times the +Ten Commandments are enough for her, whether she live according to +their tenets, or through human frailty set them aside. + +The female soul is so dogmatic that I have known a woman whose very +atheism took the form of religion. + +It is strange that this code of the honest villager does not exclude +in women either keen intelligence, a subtle mind, or loftiness of +ideas. Their soul seems to have something of the humming-bird which +flits in and out the thickest shrubs, without getting entangled in +their branches, or touching a single leaf. + +This may be said especially in regard to Aniela. The greatest +subtility of feeling and thought goes hand in hand with the utmost +simplicity of moral ideas. Her Ten Commandments are the same as the +village girls', with the exception that those of the latter are +wrought on coarse linen, and hers on a web as fine as lace. Why do +I discuss this question? Simply because it is a question of my +happiness, almost my life; for I feel that with all my complex and +intricate philosophy of love, I cannot get over the Ten Commandments. +And how can I conquer them, since I do not even believe in that +philosophy, while Aniela's faith in her principles is calm and +unshaken? + +Only the lips that have been drinking at the fountain of doubt opine +that a forbidden kiss is not a sin. A religious woman may be carried +away, as a tree is swept away by a hurricane, by forbidden love, but +she will never acknowledge it. + +Shall I ever be able to carry off Aniela? It is possible that my +present state of despondency and discouragement is only a passing one, +and to-morrow I shall feel more hopeful,--to-day all seems impossible. + +I wrote once in this same diary that in certain families they +inoculate their children with modesty as they inoculate for small-pox. +The rule which says the wife shall belong to the husband, and in which +Aniela believes so firmly, is strengthened by that modesty, so knitted +into her being, so worked into the system, that I could sooner fancy +Aniela cold and lifeless than baring her bosom in my presence. + +And I can still delude myself with the idea that I may expect anything +from her! It is simple idiocy! + +What am I to do then? Go away? + +No; I shall not go away. I will not, and cannot. + +I will remain, and since my love is idiotic, I will do as idiots do. +Enough of systems, calculations, forethought! Let things take their +own way. My former ways did not lead to anything. + + +9 June. + +She is not a bit happier than I am. What I saw to-day confirmed my +suspicion that she is fighting a heavy battle, with nothing to help +her except the truth of her own faith and convictions. + +After the departure of Pan Zawilowski and his daughter, who had paid +us a visit, my aunt, evidently with a certain purpose, began to +enlarge upon the good qualities of Panna Zawilowska. I burst out into +a sudden rage; I was tired, my nerves over-wrought by sleeplessness +and irritated beyond measure. I exclaimed: "Have your way then! If it +be a question of marriage only, and not of happiness, I will propose +to-morrow to Panna Zawilowska. She or somebody else; what does it +matter?" + +Anybody might have seen it was merely irritation, not conviction, that +dictated words I should never have acted upon. But Aniela had grown +very white. She rose and without apparent reason began to unfasten the +cords of the blind with trembling hands. Fortunately my aunt was so +taken aback by the suddenness of my outburst that she did not notice +her. She said something, I did not hear what, as all my attention was +concentrated upon Aniela. It is true that by reasoning I had come to +the conclusion that something must be going on in her heart, but to +reason out a thing and to see it, are two different things. As long as +I live I shall never forget that white face and those trembling hands. +I had now a tangible proof, which, however I might explain it by the +suddenness of my announcement, is still proof enough. Sudden news +either of the death or marriage of anybody that is indifferent to us +does not pale our cheeks. + +I thought a few days ago: "Of what use is it to me that she loves me, +if that love is to remain forever hidden in her breast?" and yet when +I came to read, as I did now, the confirmation of it, my hope rose +at once and all doubts vanished. Again a vision of possible victory +flashed before my eyes,--alas! to be dissolved almost at once into +nothing. My aunt, saying something, went out of the room, maybe to +wipe away a furtive tear at my hardness, and I went up to Aniela. + +"Aniela dear! I would not marry that girl for anything in the world, +but you ought to enter a little in my position. I have troubles enough +to bear, and even here they will not leave me in peace. You know best +that I could never dream of such a step." + +"On the contrary, I should be glad if that happened," she said, with +evident effort. + +"It is not true! I have seen you changing color,--I have seen it." + +"Permit me to go away." + +"Aniela mine! you love me! do not lie to me and to yourself; you love +me!" + +She grew white to her lips. + +"No," she replied quickly; "but I am afraid I might learn to hate +you." + +And with that she left the room. I know that to a woman who fights +with herself, a bitter and forbidden love often seems akin to hatred; +and yet Aniela's words staggered me and extinguished the newborn hope, +as one blows out a candle. There are many quite natural things in this +world which we are strong enough to bear but for our nerves. I am +struck by a truth not recognized by me formerly, not recognized +generally,--that love for another man's wife, if only a pastime is +the greatest vileness, and if real, the greatest misfortune that +can happen to any man; the more worthy the woman the greater the +misfortune. I have a burning curiosity within me, very bitter at the +same time, as to what Aniela would do if I said to her: "Either put +your arms round my neck and own that you love me, or I will blow out +my brains here before your eyes!" I know it would be the meanest thing +in the world, and I should never force her hand in that way; no! +whatever I may be, I am not bad enough for that! But I cannot help +thinking, "What would she do?" I am almost certain she would not +survive the shock and the scorn of herself, but she would not yield. +When I think of this I curse her and worship her at the same time; I +hate her and love her more than ever. The worst is I do not see how I +shall ever get out of this enchanted circle. Added to the passion +of the senses this woman wakes in me, I have for her a dog-like +affection. I envelop her with my eyes and thoughts, can never satiate +myself with the sight of her, and at the same time she is the most +desirable of women, and the very crown of my head. No other woman ever +attached me to her so absolutely and in that twofold manner. + +At times this influence of hers over me seems well-nigh incredible; +then again I explain it, and as usual take the worst view of it. I +have lived too quickly, passed already the zenith, and am going down +hill, where it is dark and cold. I feel that in her I could recover my +lost youth, vitality, and the desire for life. If she be lost to me, +then truly nothing remains but to vegetate, and gloominess unutterable +as the foretaste of decay. Therefore I love Aniela with the instinct +of self-preservation,--not with my senses only, not with my soul, but +also from the fear of annihilation. + +Aniela does not know all this; but I suppose she pities me, just as I +torture her, who would give my life to make her happy. And therefore +I say again that the love for another man's wife is the greatest +misfortune, since it leads the man to make her unhappy whose happiness +he would ensure at the cost of his own. The result of this is that we +are both unhappy. But you, Aniela, have at least your dogma to support +you, whereas I am verily like a boat drifting without helm and oar. + +I am not well in health either. I sleep very badly, or rather scarcely +at all. I should like to fall ill and lie unconscious for a month +without memories, without trouble--and rest. It would be a kind of +holiday. Chwastowski examined me yesterday, and said I had the nerves +of a decaying race, but had inherited a fair supply of muscular +strength. I believe he is right; but for that I should have succumbed +ere this to my nerves. Maybe to my very strength I may ascribe this +present concentration of feeling; it had to find an outlet somewhere, +and as it did not find it either in science or other useful work, it +all got absorbed into love for a woman. But owing to my nervous system +it is turbid, stormy, and crooked,--above all, crooked. + +What sensations I pass through every day! Towards evening the dear old +aunt came to me and began to apologize for praising Panna Zawilowska +to me. I kissed both her hands, and in my turn asked her to forgive my +momentary show of temper. She then said,-- + +"I promise never to mention her again. It is true, my dear Leon, I +wish from all my heart to see you married, for you are the last of our +race; but the Lord knows what is best. But believe me, dearest boy, it +is not family pride, but your happiness I am thinking of." + +I soothed her agitation as well as I could, and then said:-- + +"You must not mind me, dearest aunt; I am like a woman,--a nervous +woman!" + +"You a woman?" she said, indignantly. "Everybody is liable to make +mistakes. I only wish everybody had as much intelligence and character +as you; the world would then be quite a different place!" + +Ah, me! how can I dispel these illusions? Sometimes I grow quite +desperate as I say to myself: "What business have I in this house, +among these women who have taken a monopoly for saintliness? For me it +is too late to convert myself to their faith; but how many troubles, +disappointments, misfortunes may I not bring upon them?" + + +10 June. + +To-day I received two letters,--one from my lawyer in Rome, the other +from Sniatynski. The lawyer informs me that the difficulties the +Italian government usually raises at the exportation of art treasures +can be got over, my father's collections being private property and as +such not under government control, and that they could be transported +simply as furniture. + +I shall have to see to the arrangement of the house, which I do +unwillingly, as my heart is not any more in the scheme. What does it +matter to me now, and what is the use of it? If I do not give it up +altogether, it is only because I spread the news about it myself, and +cannot possibly draw back. I have fallen back into that state of mind +which possessed me during my wanderings after Aniela's marriage. Again +I understand nothing, cannot act or look upon anything that has no +direct bearing upon Aniela. The thoughts in which I do not see her +image at the bottom are meaningless to me. It is a proof how far a man +may sink his own self. I read this morning a lecture by Bunge called +"Vitality and Mechanism," and I perused it with exceptional interest. +He demonstrates scientifically that which has been in my mind more +as a dim, shapeless idea than a definite conviction. Here science +confesses scepticism in regard to itself, and, moreover, not only +confirms its own impotence but clearly points to the existence of +another world which is something more than matter and motion, which +cannot be explained either physically or chemically. It does not +concern me in the least whether that world be above matter or subject +to it. It is a mere play of words! I am not a scientist; I am not +bound to be careful in my deductions; therefore I throw myself +headforemost into that open door, and let science prate and say a +hundred times over that all is dark there. I feel it will be lighter +than here. I read with almost feverish eagerness and great relief. +Only fools do not acknowledge how materialism wearies and oppresses +us, what secret fear lurks in the mind lest their science should prove +true, what a dreary waiting for new scientific evolutions, and joy of +the prisoners when they see a small door ajar through which they +may escape into the open air. The worst of it is that the spirit is +already so oppressed that it dares not breathe freely or believe +in its own happiness. But I dared, and had a sensation as if I had +escaped from a stifling cellar. + +Perhaps this is only a momentary relief, for I understand well that +Neo-Vitalism does not form an epoch in science; maybe to-morrow I +shall go back to prison,--I do not know. In the meantime the breath +of air did me good. I said to myself over and over again: "If it be +possible that by way of scepticism one can arrive at the undoubted +certainty of another world, mocking at mechanical explanation, being +absolutely beyond all physico-chemical elucidation, then everything +is possible,--every creed, every dogma, every mysticism! It is +permissible then to think that, as there is infinite Space, there is +also infinite Reason, infinite Good, enfolding the whole universe +as in a vast cloak, under which we may find rest and shelter and +protection. And if so, all is well! I shall know at least why I live +and why I suffer. What an immense relief!" + +I repeat once more that I am not obliged to be timid and wary in my +deductions, and, as I said before, no one is so near mysticism as the +sceptic. I realized it once more in myself when I began spreading my +wings, like the bird which has been caged and delights in its new +freedom. I saw before me endless space covered with new life. I did +not know whether it was on another planet or farther still, beyond the +planetary sphere,--enough that the space was different from ours, the +light brighter and softer, the air cool and full of sweetness; the +difference consisted mainly in the closer union of the individual +spirit with the spirit of the universe; it was so close that it was +difficult to understand where the individual ceased and the universe +began. I felt at the same time it was upon that very dimness of the +boundary that the happiness of this other life rested, as the being +did not live in opposition or exclusion but in harmony with his +surroundings, and thus lived with the whole power of universal life. + +I do not say it was a vision; it was only a crossing of the narrow +boundary beyond which reasoning leaves off and conscious feeling +begins,--a feeling which as yet is only a conclusion of former +premises, but carried so far as to be difficult to grasp, as a golden +thread spun out to its utmost length. Moreover, I did not know how to +incorporate myself with that new life and new space,--how to melt in +it my own self. I had kept to a certain extent my own individuality, +and there was something wanting near me,--something I searched for. +Suddenly I became aware it was Aniela I was searching for. Of course, +only her and always her. What could another life matter to me without +her? I found her at last, and we roamed about together like the shadow +of Paolo with the shadow of Francesca di Rimini. I write this down +because I see in it an almost terrifying proof how far my whole being +has been absorbed by this love. + +What connection is there between Bunge's Neo-Vitalism and Aniela? +Nevertheless, even when thinking of things far removed, it all brings +me back to her. Science, art, nature, life,--all are carried back to +the same denominator. It is the axis around which turns my world. + +This is of great importance to me, for, in presence of all this, is it +possible that I should ever listen to the advice of reason and that +inward monitor that bids me to go away? + +I know it all will end in ruin. But how can I go away; how summon +strength and will and energy when all these have been taken from me? +Tell a man deprived of his legs to go and walk about. On what? And +from myself I add: "Why? whereto? My life is here." + +Sometimes I feel tempted to let Aniela read this diary, but do not +intend to do so. Her pity for me might be increased, but not her love. +If Aniela be ever mine, she will want to look up to me for support, +peace, and immovable faith for both; that is how it ought to be +where happiness is at stake. Here she would find nothing but doubts. +Supposing even she could understand all that has been and is going on +in my mind, there are many things she could not sympathize with. We +are too different from each other. For instance, when I plunge into +mysticism, when I say to myself that everything is possible, even a +future life, I do not shape it according to generally admitted ideas, +and if those general ideas may be called a normal point of view, mine +must needs be an abnormal one. Why? If everything is possible, then +why not a hell, a purgatory, a heaven, or my subplanetary spaces,--and +Dante's vision, which is far greater and more magnificent than mine? +Then why? For a twofold reason. First, because my scepticism, which +poisons itself by its own doubts, as the scorpion poisons itself with +its own venom, is nevertheless strong enough to exclude the most +simple and generally accepted ideas; secondly, I cannot fancy myself +in the Dantean divisions with Aniela,--I do not desire such a life. + +It is only part of myself that writes and thinks, the greater part is +always with Aniela. At this moment I see a streak of light from her +window resting on the barberry bushes. My poor love has sleepless +nights too. I saw her dozing over her needle-work to-day. Seated in +a deep armchair she looked to me so small, and she drew such a long +breath as if from weariness. I had a feeling for her as if she were my +child. + + +11 June. + +They have sent me at last the Madonna by Sassoferrato. I handed it to +Aniela in presence of the elder ladies, as a thing left to her in my +father's will, and so she could not refuse it. Afterwards I hung it up +myself in her little sitting-room, and it looks very pretty there. I +am not fond of Madonnas by Sassoferrato, but this one is so simple and +so serene in its clear shades. I like to think that as often as she +looks at it she will remember that it was I who gave her that relic, +gave it her because I love her. In this way the love she considers +sinful must in her thought be united to holy things. It is a childish +comfort, but he who has no other must be satisfied even with that. + +I had another crumb of comfort to-day. When the picture had been hung +in its place, Aniela came to thank me. As the armchair in which Pani +Celina sits was at the other end of the room, I held for a moment the +hand Aniela was about to withdraw, and asked in a low voice:-- + +"Is it true, Aniela, that you hate me?" + +She only shook her little head, as if in sadness. + +"Oh, no!" she replied quickly. + +This one word expressed so much. It was a way of saying that if the +feeling of the loved woman were always to remain hidden in her breast, +it would be the same as not to be loved at all. No! it is not the +same. Let me have it, if only that. I would not give it up for +anything in the world. If this were taken from me, I should have +nothing to live for any more. + + +12 June. + +I am at Warsaw in consequence of the letter from Sniatynski, received +the day before yesterday, in which he asked me to take part in a +farewell dinner in honor of Clara Hilst. I did not go to the dinner, +which took place yesterday, but said good-by to Clara at the station. +I have just returned thence. The good soul was going away, most likely +disappointed, and with some resentment against me in her heart, but +upon seeing me, forgave me everything, and we parted the best of +friends. I felt too that I should miss her, and that the loneliness +around me would be greater still. On my mystic fields there will be +no farewells. This one was truly sad,--in addition to it the sky was +overcast, and there was a drizzling rain that looked as if it would +last for days. In spite of that a great many people had come to see +the last of the celebrated artist. Her sleeping-car was filled with +bouquets and wreaths like a hearse; she will have to discard them +unless she lets herself be suffocated. Clara, at the moment of +departure, without taking into account what people might think or say, +devoted herself to me as much as the bustle of the place would permit. +I went into her carriage, and we conversed together like two old +friends, not paying any attention to the old and always silent +relative, or to the other people, who at last retired discreetly into +the corridor. I held both Clara's hands, and she looked at me with +those honest blue eyes of hers, and said in a moved voice:-- + +"It is only to you I say it openly, that I never was so sorry to go +away from anywhere as from here. There is no time to say much, with +all these people around us, but believe me, I am sorry to go. At +Frankfurt I meet many people, great artists, scientists; only there is +a difference,--you are like one of the more delicate instruments. As +regards yourself, I will not say anything." + +"You will let me write to you?" + +"I will write too. I wanted to ask you that. I have my music, but it +is not always sufficient now. I think you too will want to hear from +me now and then; though you may have many friends, you have none more +sincere and devoted than I. I am very foolish; anything upsets me, and +it is time to go." + +"We are both wanderers on the earth, you as an artist, I as a +Bohemian; therefore it will not be farewell, but au revoir." + +"Yes, au revoir, and that speedily. You too are an artist. You may not +play or paint, but you are an artist all the same. I saw it the first +moment I met you,--and also that you may seem happy, but are very sad +at heart. Remember there is a German girl who will be always as a +sister to you." + +I raised her hand to my lip, and she, thinking I was going, said +quickly:-- + +"There is still time, they have only rung the second bell!" + +But I really wished to leave. Oh, those wretched nerves of mine! +Clara's companion wore a stiff mackintosh which rustled at her every +motion; and that rustle, or rather swish of the india-rubber, set my +very teeth on edge. Besides, we had only a few minutes left. I stepped +aside to make place for Pani Sniatynska, who came rushing up. + +"Hilst, Frankfurt," Clara called out after me; "at home they will +forward my letters wherever I go!" + +Presently I found myself on the platform under the window of her +carriage, among all those who had come to see her off. Their farewells +and good-bys mingled with the labored breathing of the locomotive and +the shouts of the railway men. The window of the carriage was lowered, +and I saw the friendly, honest face once more. + +"Where are you going to spend the summer?" she asked. + +"I don't know, I will write to you," I replied. + +The panting of the locomotive grew quick, then came the last shrill +whistle, and the train began to move. We gave Clara a loud cheer, she +waved her hands to us, and then disappeared in the distance and the +dusk. + +"You will feel very lonely," said suddenly close to me Pani +Sniatynska's voice. + +"Yes, very," I said, and lifting my hat to her, I went home. And truly +I had the feeling as if somebody had left, who in case of need would +have given me a helping hand. I felt very despondent. Possibly the +gloomy evening, the mist and drizzling rain, in the midst of which the +street lamps looked like miniature rainbow arches, had something to +do with it. The last spark of hope seemed to have died out. There was +darkness not only within me, but it seemed to encompass the whole +world, and weigh upon it as the atmosphere weighs upon us and +permeates all nature. + +I carried home with me a heaviness of feeling and great restlessness +and a fear as if something unknown was threatening me. There woke +up within me a sudden longing for the sun and brighter skies, for +countries where there is no mist, no rain, and no darkness. It seemed +to me that if I went where there was sun and brightness, it would +shield me from some unknown danger. + +Oh, to go away! The entire capacity of my thoughts was filled with +that eager desire. Then suddenly another fear clutched at my heart: if +I went away, Aniela would be exposed to that same impalpable danger +from which I wanted to fly. I knew it was only a delusion of my brain, +and that really my departure would be the best thing for her. Yet +I could not get rid of the sensation that to desert her would be +cowardice and meanness. All my reasoning cannot get over this. +Besides, the going away is only an empty word; I may say it to myself +a hundred times, but if I were to try to change it into fact I should +find it altogether beyond my power. I have put so much of my life in +that one feeling that it would be easier to cut me into pieces than to +part me from it. + +I possess so much control over my thoughts, such a consciousness of +self that it seems to me impossible that I could ever lose my reason. +I cannot even imagine it; but at moments I feel as if my nerves could +not bear the strain any longer. + +I am sorry Clara is gone. I have seen but little of her lately; but +I liked to know that she was not far off; now Aniela will absorb me +altogether, because I give to her that power which rules our likings, +and makes us conscious of friendship. + +When I returned home, I found there young Chwastowski, who had come to +town in order to consult with his brother, the bookseller. They have +some scheme in hand about selling elementary books. They are always +scheming something, always busy, and that fills their life. I have +come to such a pass that I rejoiced to see him as a child that is +afraid of ghosts is glad to see somebody coming into the room. His +spiritual healthiness seems to brace me. He said that Pani Celina +was so much better that within a week she would be able to bear the +journey to Gastein. Oh yes! yes! Anything for a change! I shall push +that plan with all my powers. I will persuade my aunt to go too. She +will do it for my sake, and in that case nobody will be astonished at +my going. There is at least something I desire, and desire very much. +I shall have so many chances of taking care of Aniela, and shall be +nearer to her than at Ploszow. I feel somewhat relieved; but it has +been a terrible day, and nothing oppresses me so much as dark, rainy +weather. I still hear the drops falling from the waterspouts; but +there is a rift in the clouds, and a few stars are visible. + + +12 June. + +Kromitzki arrived to-day. + + +Gastein, 23 June. + +We arrived at Gastein a week ago,--the whole family: Aniela, my aunt, +Pani Celina, Kromitzki, and myself. I interrupted my diary for some +time, not because I had lost the zest for it, nor because I did not +feel the necessity for writing, but simply because I was in a state of +mind which words cannot express. As long as a man tries to resist his +fate, and wages war against the forces that crush him, he has neither +brains nor time for anything else. I was like the prisoner in +Sansson's memoirs, who when they tore his flesh and poured molten lead +into the wounds shouted in nervous ecstasy, "Encore! encore!" until +he fainted. I have fainted too, which means that I am exhausted and +resigned. + +A great hand seems to weigh upon me, as immense as the mountains that +loom up before me. What can I do against it? Nothing but submit and +remain passive while it crushes me. I did not know that one +could find, if not comfort, at least some kind of peace in this +consciousness of impotence and the looking straight at one's misery. + +If only I could keep from struggling against it, and not disturb this +state of quiescence. I could write then about things that happen to me +as if they had happened to somebody else. But I know from experience +that one day does not resemble another, and I am afraid of what the +morrow will bring forth. + + +24 June. + +Towards the end of my sojourn at Warsaw I put down these words: "Love +for another man's wife, if only a pastime, is a great villany, and if +real, is one of the greatest misfortunes that can happen to a man." +Writing this before Kromitzki's arrival, I had not taken into account +all the items which make up the sum of this misfortune. I also thought +it nobler than it really is. Now I begin to see that besides great +suffering, it includes a quantity of small humiliations, the +consciousness of villany, ridicule, the necessity of falsehood, the +doing of mean things, and the need of precautions unworthy of a man. +What a bouquet! Truly the scent of it is enough to overpower any man. + +God knows with what delight I would take such a Kromitzki by the +throat, press him to the wall, and tell him straight in his face, "I +love your wife!" Instead of that I must be careful lest the thought +should enter his mind that she pleases me. What a noble part to play +in her presence! What must she think of me? That too is one of the +flowers in the bouquet. + +As long as I live I shall not forget the day of Kromitzki's arrival. +He had gone straight to my house. Coming home late at night, I found +somebody's luggage in the anteroom. I do not know why it did not occur +to me that it might be Kromitzki's. Suddenly he himself looked out +from the adjacent room, and dropping his eyeglass rushed up with open +arms to salute his new relative. I saw as in a dream that dry skull, +so like a death's-head, the glittering eyes, and the crop of black +hair. Kromitzki's arrival was the most natural thing in the world, and +yet I felt as if I had looked into the face of death. It seemed to +me like a nightmare, and the words, "How do you do, Leon?" the most +fantastic and most improbable words I could have heard anywhere. +Presently such a rage, such a loathing combined with fear, seized me +that it took all my self-control to prevent me from throwing him down +and dashing out his brains. I have sometimes felt such paroxysms of +rage and loathing, but never combined with fear; it was not so much +fear of a living man as horror of the dead. For some time I could not +find a word to say. Fortunately he might suppose I had not recognized +him at first, or was astonished that a man I scarcely knew should +treat me so familiarly. It still irritates me when I think of it. + +I tried to recover myself; he in the mean while readjusted his +eyeglass, and shaking my hand once more, said:-- + +"Well, and how are you? How are Aniela and her mother? Old lady always +ill, I suppose. And our aunt, how is she?" + +I was seized with amazement and anger that this man should mention +those nearest and dearest to me as if they belonged to him. A man of +the world bears most things and hides his emotions, because he is +trained from his earliest years to keep himself under control; +nevertheless I felt that I could not bear it any longer, and in order +to pull myself together and occupy my thoughts with something else, I +called for the servant and told him to get tea ready. + +Kromitzki appeared uneasy that I did not reply at once to his +questions; the eyeglass dropped again, and he said, hurriedly:-- + +"There is nothing wrong, is there? Why don't you speak?" + +"They are all well," I replied. + +It suddenly struck me that my emotion might give the hateful man an +advantage over me, and the thought restored all my self-possession at +once. I led him into the dining-room, asked him to sit down, and then +said:-- + +"How is it going with you? Have you come to make a long stay?" + +"I do not know," he replied. "I was longing for Aniela; and I fancy +she too must have been anxious to have me back again. We have only +been a few months together, and for a newly married couple that is +not much, is it?" and he burst out into one of his wooden laughs. +"Besides," he added, "I have some business here to look after. Always +business, you see." + +Then he began a long-winded harangue about his affairs; of which I +did not hear much, except the often repeated words "combined forces," +observing meanwhile the motion of the eyeglass. It is a strange thing +how in presence of some great calamity small things will thrust +themselves into evidence. I do not know whether this be so with +everybody, but in the present instance the reiterated words "combined +forces" and the shifting of the eyeglass irritated me beyond +endurance. In the earlier moments of the interview I was almost +unconscious, and yet I could count how often that eyeglass dropped and +was put up again. It always used to be thus with me, and it was so +now. + +After tea I conducted Kromitzki to the room he was to occupy for the +night. He did not cease talking, but went on in the same strain while +with the help of the servant he unpacked his portmanteau. Sometimes +he interrupted his flow of words in order to show me some specimens +brought from the East. He undid his travelling straps, unfolded two +small Eastern rugs, and said:-- + +"I bought these at Batoum. Pretty things, are they not? They will do +to put before our bed." + +He got tired at last, and after the servant had gone he sat down in +the armchair, and still continued to talk about his affairs, while I +thought of something else. When we are not able to defend ourselves +from a great misfortune, there is one safety-valve,--we may be able +to grapple with some of its details. I was now mainly busy with +the thought whether Kromitzki would go with us to Gastein or not. +Therefore after some time I remarked:-- + +"I did not know you formerly; but I begin to think that you are the +kind of man to make your fortune. You are not in the least flighty, +and would never sacrifice important affairs for mere sentimentality." + +He pressed my hand warmly. "You have no idea," he said, "how much I +wish you to trust me." + +At the moment I did not attach any special meaning to his words. I +was too much occupied with my own thoughts, and especially with the +reflection that in regard to Kromitzki I had already been guilty of a +lie and a meanness,--a lie, because I did not believe in his business +capacities at all; a meanness, because I flattered the man I should +have liked to kill with a glance. But I was only anxious to induce +him not to go to Gastein; therefore I went deeper and deeper into the +quagmire. + +"I see this journey does not suit you in the least," I said. + +Thereupon, egoist that he is, feeling things only in so far as they +concern himself, he began to grumble at his mother-in-law. + +"Of course it does not suit me," he said; "and between ourselves I do +not see the necessity of it. There is a limit to everything, even to +a daughter's affection for her mother. Once married, a woman ought +to understand that her first duty is toward her husband. Besides, a +mother-in-law who is always there, either in the same room or in the +next, is a nuisance, and prevents a young married couple from drawing +near to each other, and living exclusively for themselves. I do not +say but that love for one's parents is a good thing, if not carried +too far and made an impediment in one's life." + +Once embarked upon that theme he gave expression to very commonplace +and mean sentiments, which irritated me all the more that from his +point of view there was certainly some truth in what he said. + +"There is no help for it," he concluded; "I made a bargain, and must +stick to it." + +"Then you mean to go with them to Gastein?" + +"Yes; I have some personal interest in the journey. I want to enter +into closer relation with my wife's family and gain your confidence. +We will speak of that later on. I am free for a month or six weeks. I +left Lucian Chwastowski in charge of the business, and he is, as the +English say, a 'solid' man. Besides, when one has a wife like Aniela +one wants to stop with her a little while,--you understand, eh?" + +Saying this he laughed, showing his yellow, decayed teeth, and clapped +me on the knee. A cold shiver penetrated to my very brain. I felt +myself growing pale. I rose and turned away from the light to hide my +face, then made a powerful effort to collect myself and asked "When do +you intend going to Ploszow?" + +"To-morrow, to-morrow." + +"Good-night." + +"Good-night," he replied, his eyeglass dropping once more. He put out +both hands, adding: "I am tremendously glad to have the opportunity +to get more acquainted with you. I always liked you, and I am sure we +shall understand each other." + +We understand each other! How intensely stupid the man is! But the +more stupid he is, the more horrible to me is the thought that Aniela +belongs to him, is simply a thing of his! I did not even try to +undress that night. I never had seen so clearly that there may be +situations where words come to an end, the power of reasoning ceases, +even the power of feeling one's calamity,--to which there seems to +be no limit. A truly magnificent life which is given unto us! It is +enough to say that those former occasions when Aniela trampled upon +my feelings, and when I thought I had reached the height of misery, +appear now to me as times of great happiness. If then, if even now, +the Evil One promised me in exchange for my soul that everything +should remain as it was, Aniela forever to reject my love, but +Kromitzki not to come near her,--I would sign the agreement without +hesitation. Because in the man rejected by a woman there grows +involuntarily a conviction that she is like a Gothic tower far out of +his reach, to which he scarcely dares to lift his eyes. Thus I always +thought of Aniela. And then comes a Pan Kromitzki, with two rugs from +Batoum, and drags her from the height, that inexorable priestess, +down to a level with those rugs. What a terrible thing it is, that +imagination can bring it all so clear before us! And how repulsively +mean he is, and how ridiculous withal! + +Where are all my theories, my reasonings, that love is far above +matrimonial bonds,--that I have a right to love Aniela? I still have +my theories, while Kromitzki has Aniela. As the wind is tempered to +the shorn lamb I thought the human being capable of carrying only a +certain weight, and that if more were put upon his back he must needs +break down. In my misery without bounds, and in my equally great +foolishness and degradation, I felt that from the time of Kromitzki's +arrival I was beginning to despise Aniela. Why? I could not justify it +upon any common grounds. "One wife, one husband." This law I know by +heart, like any other fool; but in relation to my own feelings it is a +degradation for Aniela. What does it matter that it does not stand to +reason? I know that I despise her, and it is more than I can bear. +I felt that existence under these conditions would become simply +impossible, and that necessarily there must be some change and the +past be buried. What change? If my scorn could throttle my love, as a +wolf throttles a lamb, it would be well. But I had a foreboding that +something else would take place. If I did not love Aniela I could not +despise her now; therefore my scorn is only another link in the +chain, I understand perfectly that beyond Pani Kromitzka, beyond +Pan Kromitzki and their relation to each other, nothing interests +me,--nothing whatever; neither light nor darkness, war nor peace, nor +any other thing. She, Aniela, or rather both she and her husband, and +my part in their life, are my reason for existence. If for this same +reason I cannot bear my existence any longer, what will happen then? +Suddenly it came upon me, as a surprise, that I had not thought of the +most simple solution of the problem,--death. + +What a tremendous power there is in human hands,--the power of cutting +the thread. Now I am ready. Evil genius of my life, do thy worst; +pile weight upon weight,--but only up to a certain time, as long as I +consent. If I find it too much I throw off the burden! "E poi eterna +silenza," Nirvana, the "fourth dimension" of Zöllner--what do I know? +The thought that it all depended upon me gave me an immense relief. + +I remained thus an hour, stretched out on the couch, thinking how and +when I would do it; and that very abstraction of my thoughts from +Kromitzki seemed to calm me. Such a thing as the taking of one's life +wants some preparation, and this also forced my thoughts into another +groove. I remembered at once that my travelling revolver was of too +small a calibre. I got up to look at it and resolved to buy a new one. +I began to calculate ways and means to make it appear an accident. +All this of course as a mere theory. Nothing was settled into a fixed +purpose. I might call it rather a contemplating the possibility of +suicide than a purpose. On the contrary, I was now certain it would +not come to that soon. Now that I knew the door by which I could +escape I thought I might wait a little to see how far my evils would +extend, and what new tortures fate had in store for me. I was consumed +by a burning and painful curiosity as to what would happen next, how +those two would meet, and how Aniela would face me? I became very +tired, and dressed as I was I fell into a troubled sleep, full +of Kromitzkis, eyeglasses, revolvers, and all sorts of confused +combinations of things and people. + +I woke up late. The servant told me that Pan Kromitzki had gone to +Ploszow. My first impulse was to follow and see them together. But +when seated in the carriage I suddenly felt I could not bear it, that +it would be too great a trial, and might hasten my escape through the +open door into the unknown; and I gave orders to drive somewhere else. + +The greatest pessimist instinctively avoids pain, and fights against +it with all his might. He clutches at every hope and expects relief +through every change. There awoke within me such a desire to make them +go to Gastein as if my very life depended upon it. To make them leave +Ploszow! The thought did not give me rest, and took such possession of +me that I gave my whole mind to its realization. This did not present +great difficulties. The ladies were almost ready to start. Kromitzki +had come unexpectedly, evidently intending to give his wife a +surprise. A few days later he would not have found us at Ploszow. I +went to the railway office and secured places in a sleeping-car for +Vienna; then sent a messenger with a letter to my aunt telling her I +had bought tickets for the following day, as all the carriages were +engaged for the following week, and we should have to go to-morrow. + + +26 June. + +I still linger over the last moments spent at Warsaw. These memories +impressed themselves so strongly on my mind that I cannot pass them +over in silence. The day following Kromitzki's arrival I had a strange +sensation. It seemed to me that I did not love Aniela any longer, and +yet could not live without her. It was the first time I felt this--I +might call it psychical dualism. Formerly my love went through its +regular course. I said to myself, "I love her, therefore I desire +her,"--with the same logic as Descartes employs in the statement, "I +think, therefore I exist." Now the formula is changed into, "I do not +love her, but desire her still;" and both elements exist in me as if +they were engraved on two separate stones. For some time I did not +realize that the "I do not love her" was merely a delusion. I love her +as before, but in such a sorrowing manner, with so much bitterness and +venom, that the love has nothing in common with happiness. + +Sometimes I fancy that even if Aniela were to confess to me her love, +if she were divorced or a widow, I should not be happy any more. I +would buy such an hour at the price of my life, but truly I do not +know whether I should be able to convert it into real happiness. Who +knows whether the nerves that feel happiness be not paralyzed in me? +Such a thing might happen. Really, what is life worth under such +conditions? + +The day before our departure, I went to a gunsmith's shop. It was a +quaint old man who sold me the revolver. If he were not a gunsmith +he might become a professor of psychology. I told him I wanted a +revolver, no matter whose make, Colt's or Smith's, provided it were +good and of a large calibre. The old man picked out the weapon, which +I accepted at once. + +"You will want cartridges, sir?" + +"Yes, I was going to ask you for them." + +"And a case, sir?" he said, looking at me keenly. + +"Of course, a case." + +"That's all right, sir; then I will give you cartridges of the same +number as the revolver." + +It was now my turn to look attentively at him. He understood the +inquiring look, and said:-- + +"I have been in the trade over forty years, sir, and learned something +about my customers. It often happens that people buy revolvers to blow +out their brains. Would you believe it never happens that such a one +buys a case? It is always this way: 'Please give me a revolver.' 'With +the case?' 'No, never mind the case.' It is a strange thing that a man +about to throw away his life should grudge a rouble for the case. But +such is human nature. Everybody says to himself, 'What the devil do +I want with a case?' And that's how I always find out whether a man +means mischief or not." + +"That is very curious indeed," I replied; and it seemed to me a very +characteristic sign. + +The gunsmith, with a slight twinkle in his eye, went on: "Therefore as +soon as I perceive his drift I make a point of giving him cartridges a +size too large. It is not a small thing, the taking away one's life; +it requires a deal of courage and determination. I fancy many a man +breaks into a cold perspiration as he finally says: 'Now for the +revolver! Ah, the cartridges do not fit; the gunsmith made a mistake;' +and he has to put it off until the following day. And do you think, +sir, it is an easy thing to do it twice over? Many a man who has faced +death once cannot do it again. There were some who came the next day +to buy a case. I laughed in my sleeve and said: 'There's your case, +and may it last you a long time.'" + +I note down this conversation because everything relating to suicide +has become of interest to me, and the old gunsmith's words appeared to +contain a bit of philosophy worth preserving. + + +27 June. + +Now and then I remind myself that Aniela loved me, that I could have +married her, that my life might have been made bright and happy, that +it merely depended upon me, and that I wasted all that through my +incapacity for action. Then I put to myself the question: "Is there +any sign of insanity in me, and is it indeed true that I could have +had Aniela forever?" It must be true, for how could I otherwise recall +all the incidents from the time I met her first up to the present +moment? And to think that she might have been mine, and as faithful +and loyal to me as she is to that other one!--a hundred times more +faithful, because she would love me from her whole soul. Innate +incapacity?--yes, that is it. But even if it justifies me in my own +eyes, what matters it to me, since it does not give me any comfort? +The only thought that gives me comfort is that the descendants of +decayed as well as of the most buoyant races have to go the same +way,--to dust and ashes. This makes the difference between the weak +and the strong a great deal less. The whole misfortune of beings like +me is their isolation. What erroneous ideas have our novelists, and +for the matter of that even our physiologists, about the decaying +races. They fancy that inward incapacity must invariably correspond +with physical deterioration, small build, weak muscles, anæmic brain, +and weak intelligence. This may be the case now and then, but +to regard it as a general principle is a mistake and a pedantic +repetition of the same thing over and over again. The descendants of +worn-out races have no lack of vital powers, but they lack harmony +among these powers. I myself am physically a powerful man, and never +was a fool. I knew people of my sphere built like Greek statues, +clever, gifted, and yet they did not know how to fit themselves into +life, and ended badly, exactly through that want of even balance in +their otherwise luxuriant vital powers. They exist among us as in a +badly organized society where nobody knows where the rights of the +one begin and those of another cease. We live in anarchy, and it is a +known fact that in anarchy society cannot exist. Each of the powers +drags its own way, often pulling all the others with it; and this +produces a tragic exclusiveness. I am now suffering from this +exclusiveness, by reason of which nothing interests me beyond Aniela, +nothing matters to me, and there is nothing else to which I can +attach my life. But people do not understand that such a want of even +balance, such anarchy of the vital powers, is a far greater disease +than physical or moral anæmia. This is the solution of the problem. + +Formerly the conditions of life and a differently constituted +community summoned us, and in a way forced us, into action. Now, in +these antihygienic times, when we have nothing to do with public life, +and are poisoned by philosophy and doubts, our disease has grown +more acute. We have come to this at last, that we are not capable of +sustained action, that our vitality shows itself only in sudden leaps +and bounds, and consequently the most gifted among us always end in +some kind of madness. Of all that constitutes life there is only woman +left for us; and we either fritter and squander ourselves away in +licentiousness or cling to one love as to a branch that overhangs a +precipice. As it is mostly an unlawful love we cling to, it carries +within itself the elements of a tragedy. I know that my love for +Aniela must end badly; and therefore I do not even try to defend +myself from it. Besides, whether I resist or submit, it means ruin +either way. + + +28 June. + +The baths and especially the cool, bracing air are improving Pani +Celina's health, and she is growing stronger day by day. I surround +her with every care and think of her comforts as if she were my own +mother. She is grateful for it, and seems to be growing very fond of +me. Aniela notices it, and cannot help feeling a certain regret at +this vision of happiness that might have been ours if things had +turned out differently. I am quite certain now that she does not love +Kromitzki. She is and will be faithful to him; but when I see them +together I notice in her face a certain constraint and humiliation. +I see it every time when he, whether really in love or only showing +himself off as a doting husband, fondles her hands, smoothes her hair +or kisses her brow. She would rather hide herself in the very earth +than be forced to submit to these endearments in my and other people's +presence. Nevertheless she submits, with a forced smile. I smile too, +but as a diversion I mentally plunge my hands into my vitals and +tear them to pieces. At times the thought crosses my mind that this +priestess of Diana is more at ease and less reticent when alone with +her husband. But I do not often indulge in thoughts like these, for I +feel that one drop more and I shall lose my self-control altogether. + +My relation to Aniela is terrible for me as well as for her. My love +shows itself in the guise of hatred, scorn, and irony. It frightens +Aniela and hurts her. She looks at me now and then, and her pleading +eyes say, "Is it my fault?" And I repeat to myself, "It is not her +fault;" but I cannot, God help me, I cannot be different to her. The +more I see her oppressed and hurt, the fiercer becomes my resentment +towards her, towards Kromitzki, myself, and the whole world. And yet +I pity her from my whole heart, for she is as unhappy as I am. But +as water, instead of subduing a conflagration, makes it rage all the +fiercer, so my feelings are rendered fiercer by despair. I treat the +dearest being with scorn, anger, and irony, and thereby hurt myself +far more than I hurt her; for she is capable of forgiveness, but I +shall never be able to forgive myself. + + +29 June. + +That man notices there is some ill-feeling between me and his wife, +and he explains it in a manner worthy of him. It seems to him that +I hate her because she preferred him to me. He fancies that my +resentment is nothing but offended vanity. Truly only a husband can +look upon it in this light. Consequently he tries to make it up to her +by his caresses, and treats me with the kind indulgence of a generous +victor. + +How vanity blinds some people! What a strange creature he is! He goes +every day to the Straubinger hotel, watches the couples promenading on +the Wandelbahn, and with a certain delight puts the worst construction +upon their mutual relations. He laughs at the husbands who, according +to his views, are deceived by their wives; every new discovery puts +him into better humor, and his eyeglass is continually dropping out +and put back again. And yet the same man who considers conjugal +faithlessness such an excellent opportunity for making silly jokes, +would consider it the most awful tragedy if it happened to himself. +Since it is only a question of other people it is a farce; touching +his own happiness it would cry out to heaven for vengeance. Why, +you fool!--go to the looking glass, see yourself as you are, your +Mongolian eyes, that hair like a black Astrachan cap, that eyeglass, +those long shanks; enter into yourself and see the meanness of your +intellect, the vulgarity of your character,--and tell me whether a +woman like Aniela ought to remain true to you for an hour! How did you +manage to get her, you spiritual and physical upstart? Is it not an +unnatural monstrosity that you are her husband? Dante's Beatrice, +marrying a common Florentine cad, would have been better matched. + +I had to interrupt my writing because I felt I was losing my balance; +and yet I fancied myself resigned! May Kromitzki rest easy; I do not +feel that I am any better than he. Even if I supposed I was made of +finer stuff than he, it would be small comfort, since my deeds are +worse than his. He has no need of hiding anything, and I am obliged +to play the hypocrite, take him always into account, conceal my real +feelings, deceive and circumvent him. Can there be anything meaner +than pursuing such a course of action, instead of taking him by the +throat? I abuse him in my diary. Such underhand satisfaction even a +slave may permit himself towards his master. Kromitzki never could +have felt so small as I did in my own eyes when I committed a +multitude of littlenesses, devised cunning plans to make him take +separate lodgings and not stop in the same house with Aniela. And +after all, I gained nothing. With the simple sentence, "I wish to be +near my wife" he demolished all my plans. It is simply unbearable, +especially as Aniela understands every movement of mine, every word +and scheme. I fancy she must often blush for me. All this taken +together makes up my daily food. I do not think I shall be able to +bear it much longer, as I cannot be equal to the situation,--which +simply means: I am not villain enough for the conditions in which I +live. + + +30 June. + +I overheard from the veranda the end of a conversation carried on in +an audible voice between Kromitzki and Aniela. + +"I will speak to him myself," said Kromitzki; "but you must tell your +aunt the position I am in." + +"I will never do it," replied Aniela. + +"Not if such is my wish?" he said sharply. + +Not desirous of playing the part of eavesdropper, I went into the +room. I saw on Aniela's face an expression of pain, which she tried to +hide upon seeing me. Kromitzki was white with anger, but greeted me +with a smile. For a moment an unreasonable fear got hold of me that +she had confessed something to her husband. I am not afraid of +Kromitzki; my only fear is that he may take away Aniela and thus part +me from my sorrows, my humiliations, and torments. I live by them; +without them I should be famished. Anything rather than part from +Aniela. In vain I racked my brain to guess what could have taken place +between them. At moments I thought it probable that she had told him +something; but then his manner towards me would have changed, and it +was if anything even more polite than usual. + +Generally speaking, but for my aversion to the man, I have no fault +to find with him in so far as I am concerned. He is very polite and +friendly, gives way to me in everything as if he were dealing with a +nervous woman. He tries all means to gain my confidence. It does +not discourage him in the least that I meet his advances at times +brusquely or sarcastically, and without much consideration for his +feelings show up his ignorance and want of refined nerves. I do not +miss any opportunity to expose before Aniela how commonplace he is in +heart and intellect. But he is wonderfully patient. Maybe he is so +only with me. To-day I saw him for the first time angry with Aniela, +and his complexion was of the greenish hue of people who are angry in +cold blood and nurse their wrath long afterwards. Aniela is probably +afraid of him, but she is afraid of everybody,--even of me. It is +sometimes difficult to understand how this woman with the temper of +a dove can at a given moment summon so much energy. There was a time +when I thought her too passive to be able to resist me long. What +a disappointment! Her resistance is all the stronger, the more +unexpected it is. I do not know what was the question between her and +Kromitzki, but if she says that she is not going to do what he asks +her, she will shake with fear but will not yield. If she were mine, I +would love her as the dog loves its mistress; I would carry her on +my hands, and not allow the dust to touch her feet; I would love her +until death. + + +1 July. + +My jealousy would be a miserable thing if it were not at the same time +the pain of the true believer who sees his divinity dragged in the +dust. I would abstain even from touching her hand if I could place her +on some inapproachable height where nobody could come near her. + + +2 July. + +I deluded myself as to my state of quiescence. It was only a temporary +torpidity of the nerves, which I mistook for calmness. Besides, I knew +it could not last. + + +3 July. + +Yes, something has passed between them. They hide some mutual offence, +but I see it. For some days I have noticed that he does not take her +hands, as he used to and kiss them in turn; he does not stroke her +hair or kiss her forehead. I had a moment of real joy, but Aniela +herself poisoned it. I see that she tries to conciliate and humor him +as if wishing to restore their former relations. At the sight of this +a great rage possessed me, and showed itself in my behavior to Aniela. +Never had I been so pitiless to her and myself. + + +4 July. + +To-day, returning from the Wandelbahn, I met Aniela on the bridge +opposite the Cascades. She stopped suddenly and said something, but +the roar of the water drowned her voice. This irritated me, for at +present everything irritates me. Whereupon, leading her across the +bridge towards our villa, I said impatiently: "I could not hear what +you were saying." + +"I wanted to ask you," she said, with emotion, "why you are so +different to me now? Why have you no pity upon me?" + +All my blood rushed to my heart at these words. + +"Can you not see," I said quickly, "that I love you more than words +can tell? and you treat it as if it were a mere nothing. Listen! I do +not want anything from you. Only tell me that you love me, surrender +your heart to me, and I will bear anything, suffer anything, and will +give my whole life to you and serve you to the last breath. Aniela, +you love me! Tell me, is it not true? You will save me by that one +word; say it!" + +Aniela had grown as pale as the foam on the cascade. It seemed as if +she had turned to ice. For a moment she could not utter a word; then +making a great effort, she replied:-- + +"You must not speak to me in that way." + +"Then you will never say it?" + +"Never!" + +"Then you have not the least--" I broke off. It suddenly whirled +across my brain that if Kromitzki asked her, she would not refuse him; +and at this thought rage and despair deprived me of all consciousness. +I heard the rushing of waters in my ear, and everything grew dark +before my eyes. I only remember that I hurled a few horrible, cynical +words at her, such as no man should use against a defenceless woman, +and which I dare not put down in this diary. I remember as in a dream +that she looked at me with dilated eyes, took me by the sleeve, then +shook my shoulder, and said, anxiously:-- + +"Leon, what is the matter with you,--what ails you?" + +What ailed me was that I was losing my senses. I tore my hand away and +rushed off in the opposite direction. After a moment I retraced my +steps; but she was gone. Then I understood only one thing: the time +had come to put an end to life. The thought seemed to me like a rift +in the dark clouds that weighed upon me. It was a strange state of +consciousness, in one direction. For the moment all thoughts about +myself, about Aniela, were wiped from my memory; but I contemplated +the thought of death with the greatest self-possession. I knew, for +instance, perfectly well that if I threw myself from the rocks it +would be considered an accident, and if I shot myself in my own room +my aunt would not survive the shock. It was still stranger that, in +spite of this consciousness, I did not feel called upon to make any +choice, as if the connection between my reasoning and my will and +its consequent action had been severed. With a perfectly clear +understanding that it would be better to throw myself from the rocks, +I yet went back to the villa for my revolver. Why? I cannot explain +it. I only remember that I ran faster and faster, at last went up +the stairs into my room, and began to search for the key of my +portmanteau, where the revolver was. Presently I heard steps +approaching my door. This roused me, and the thought flashed through +my mind that it was Aniela, that she had guessed my intention, and +came to prevent it. The door was flung open, and there was my aunt, +who called out in a breathless voice:-- + +"Leon, go quick for the doctor! Aniela has been taken ill." + +Hearing that, I forgot all else, and without hat I rushed forth, and +in a quarter of an hour brought a doctor from the Straubinger hotel. +The doctor went to see Aniela, and I remained with my aunt on the +veranda. I asked her what had happened to Aniela. + +"Half an hour ago," said my aunt, "Aniela came back with such a +feverishly burning face that both Celina and I asked whether anything +had happened to her. She replied, 'Nothing, nothing,' almost +impatiently; and when Celina insisted upon knowing what was the matter +with her, Aniela, for the first time since I have known her, lost her +temper and cried out, 'Why are you all bent upon tormenting me?' Then +she became quite hysterical, and laughed and cried. We were terribly +frightened, and then I came and asked you to fetch the doctor. Thank +God, she is calmer now. How she wept, poor child, and asked us to +forgive her for having spoken unkindly to us." + +I remained silent; my heart was too full for words. + +My aunt paced up and down the veranda, and presently, her arms akimbo, +stopped before me and said,-- + +"Do you know, my boy, what I am thinking? It is this: We somehow do +not like Kromitzki,--even Celina is not fond of him; and Aniela sees +it, and it hurts her feelings. It is a strange thing; he does his best +to make himself pleasant, and yet he always seems like an outsider. It +is not right, and it grieves Aniela." + +"Do you think, aunty, that she loves him so very much?" + +"I did not say very much. He is her husband, and so she loves him, and +feels hurt that we treat him badly." + +"But who treats him badly? I think she is not happy with him,--that is +all." + +"God forbid that you should be right. I do not say but she might have +done better; but after all there is nothing to be said against him. +He evidently loves her very much. Celina cannot quite forgive him the +sale of Gluchow; but as to Aniela, she defends him, and does not allow +anybody to say a word against him." + +"Perhaps against her own conviction?" + +"It proves all the more that she loves him. As to his affairs, the +worst is that nobody knows how he stands; and this is a great source +of trouble to Celina. But after all, wealth is not everything; +besides, as I told you before, I will not forget to provide for +Aniela, and you agree with me, do you not? We both owe her a kind of +duty, not to mention that she is a dear, affectionate creature, and +deserves everything we can do for her." + +"With all my heart, dear aunt; she will be always as a sister to me, +and shall not be in want of anything as long as I live." + +"I count upon my dear boy, and can die in peace." + +Thereupon she embraced me. The doctor, coming towards us, interrupted +our conversation. In a few words he set our minds at rest,-- + +"A little nervous agitation; it often appears after the first baths. +Leave off bathing for a few days, plenty of air and exercise,--that is +all that is wanted. The constitution is sound; strengthen the system, +and all will be well." + +I paid him so liberally that he bowed, and did not put on his hat till +he was beyond the railings of the villa. I would have given anything +if I could have gone immediately to Aniela, kissed her feet, and +begged her forgiveness for all the wrong I had done her. I vowed to +myself that I would be different, more patient, with Kromitzki,--not +revolt any more, nor grumble. Contrition, contrition deep and sincere, +permeated my whole being. How unspeakably I love her! + +Close upon noon I met Kromitzki coming back from a long walk on the +Kaiserweg. I put my good resolutions at once to the test, and was more +friendly with him. He thought it was sympathy because of his wife's +illness, and as such accepted it in a grateful spirit. He and Pani +Celina spent the remainder of the day with Aniela. She had expressed a +wish to dress and go out; but they did not let her. I did not permit +myself even to chafe at that. I do not remember that I ever subdued +myself to the same extent. "It is all for you, dearest," I said +inwardly. I was very stupid all the day, and felt an irresistible +desire to cry like a child. Even now tears fill my eyes. If I have +sinned greatly, I bear a heavy punishment. + + +5 July. + +After yesterday's commotion a calm has set in. The clouds have +discharged their electricity, and the storm is over. I feel exhausted +morally and physically. Aniela is better. This morning we met alone on +the veranda. I put her on a rocking-chair, wrapped a shawl around her +shoulders, as the morning was rather chilly, and said:-- + +"Aniela dear, I beg your pardon from my whole heart for what I said +yesterday. Forgive and forget if you can, though I shall never forgive +myself." + +She put out her hand at once, and I clung to it with my lips. I could +have groaned aloud; there is such a gulf between my love and my +misery. Aniela seemed to feel it too, for she did not withdraw her +hand at once. She too tried to control her emotion, and the feeling +which urged her towards me. Her neck and breast heaved as if she were +strangling the sobs that rose to her throat. She feels that I love her +beyond everything; that a love like mine is not to be met with every +day; and that it might have been a treasure of happiness to last our +whole life. Presently she grew more composed and her face became +serene. There was nothing but resignation there, and angelic goodness. + +"There is peace between us, is there not?" she asked. + +"Yes," I replied. + +"And forever?" + +"How can I tell, dearest? You know best how things stand with me." + +Her eyes again grew misty, and again she recovered herself. + +"All will be well," she said, "you are so good." + +"I, good?" I exclaimed with real indignation; "do you not know that if +you had not fallen ill yesterday I should--" + +I did not finish. I suddenly remembered that it would be mean and +cowardly to use such a weapon against her. I felt all the more ashamed +of my rashness as I saw the troubled eyes looking anxiously into mine. + +"What did you want to say?" + +"I was going to say words unworthy of myself; besides, they have no +meaning now." + +"Leon! I must know what you meant, else I shall have no peace." + +Suddenly a breath of wind blew a lock of her hair into her eyes. I +rose, and with the light, tender touch of a mother, put it back into +its place. + +"Dear Aniela, do not force me to tell what I ought to forget. If it be +a question of your peace of mind I pledge you my word that you need +not have any fear for the future." + +"You promise this?" she asked, still looking intently at me. + +"Yes, most solemnly and emphatically; will that satisfy you, and drive +out any foolish notions from the little head?" + +The postman coming in with a parcel of letters interrupted our +conversation. There was the usual budget from the East for Kromitzki; +only one letter for Aniela, from Sniatynski (I recognized his +handwriting on the envelope), and one for me from Clara. The latter +does not say much about herself, but inquires most minutely what I am +doing. I told Aniela who it was that had written, and she, to show me +that all ill-feeling and constraint had gone, began to tease me. I +paid her back in the same coin, and pointing to Sniatynski's letter +said there was another poor man who had succumbed to little Aniela's +wiles. We laughed and bandied jests for a little time. + +The human soul, like the bee, extracts sweetness even from bitter +herbs. The most unhappy wretch still tries to squeeze out a little +happiness from his woes, and the merest shadow and pretext will serve +his turn. Sometimes I think that this intense longing for happiness is +one proof more that happiness is awaiting us in another world. I am +convinced also that pessimism was invented as a comfort to satisfy a +want, sum up all human misery, and put it into a philosophic formula. +It satisfies our thirst for truth and knowledge, and happiness itself +is nothing but satisfied craving. Perhaps love in itself is such a +source of happiness that even a clouded love like ours is interwoven +with golden rays. Such a ray fell on our path to-day. I had not +expected it, as I had not expected that a man whose desires are +without limits could be satisfied with so little. + +We had scarcely read our letters when Pani Celina, who is now able to +walk without help, came towards us with a footstool for Aniela. + +"Oh mamma!" cried out Aniela, in a shocked voice; "You ought not to do +that." + +"And did you not yourself nurse me night and day when I was ill?" + +I took the footstool from Pani Celina's hands, and kneeling down +before Aniela, I waited until she had put her little feet upon it; and +kneeling thus before her for a second filled me with happiness for the +whole day. It is a fact. A very poor man lives upon crumbs, and smiles +gratefully--through tears. + + +6 July. + +I have a crippled heart, but it is capable of love. It is only now I +fully understand what Sniatynski meant. If I were not a man out +of joint, without an even-balanced mind, poisoned by scepticism, +criticism of myself, and criticism of criticism, if my love were in +harmony with law and principles, I should have found in Aniela the +dogma of my life, and other dogmas, other beliefs, would have come +to me in course of time. Yet I do not know; perhaps I could not love +otherwise than crookedly; and in this lies my incapacity for life. +In short, that which ought to have been my health and salvation has +become my disease and damnation. Strange to say, there was no lack of +warnings. It almost seems as if people had foreseen what would befall +me. I remember constantly the words Sniatynski wrote to me when I was +with the Davises at Peli: "Something must always be growing within +us; beware lest something should grow in you which would cause your +unhappiness, and the unhappiness of those near and dear to you." I +laughed then at the words, yet how true they were. My father, too, +spoke several times as if he had pierced the veil that hides the +future. To-day the remembrance is too late. I know it is useless to +rake up the ashes of the past, but I cannot help it. I am sorry for +myself, but more sorry still for Aniela. She would have been a hundred +times happier with me than with Kromitzki. Supposing even I should +have subjected her at first to analysis, and discovered various +faults, I should have loved her all the same. She would have been +mine, and as such she would have become part of me and entered into +the sphere of my egoism. Her faults would have been my weaknesses, and +we are always ready to make allowance for ourselves, and though we +criticise self we do not cease to care for its well-being. Thus she +would have been dear to me; and as she is infinitely better than I, in +time she would have become my pride, the noblest part of my soul; I +should have found out that criticism, as far as she was concerned, was +out of place; gradually she would have won me over to her pure faith +and wrought my salvation. All that has been wasted, spoiled, and +transmuted into a tragedy for her,--into evil and a tragedy for me. + + +7 July. + +I have been reading what I wrote yesterday, and am struck by what +I said at the end, namely: that the love which might have been my +salvation has become a source of evil. I cannot quite agree with the +thought. How can love for a pure woman like Aniela bring forth evil? +One word explains it,--it is a crooked love. I must own the truth. If +two years ago somebody had told me that I, a civilized man, a man with +aesthetic nerves, and living in peace with the penal code, should +meditate for nights and days how to put out of the world, even by +murder, a man who would be in my way, I should have taken that +somebody for an escaped lunatic. Yet it is true; I have come to that. +Kromitzki shuts out from me the world; he takes from me the earth, +water, and air. I cannot live because he lives; and for that reason I +incessantly think of his death. What a simple and complete solution of +all the difficulties and entanglements his death would be. I thought +more than once that since the hypnotizer can send his medium to sleep, +a more concentrated power would be able to put him to sleep forever. I +have sent for all the newest books about hypnotism. In the mean while +with every glance I say to Kromitzki, "Die!" and if such a suggestion +were sufficient, he would have been dead some time ago. But the whole +result of it is that he is as well as ever, is Aniela's husband, and +I remain with the consciousness that my intention is equally criminal +and foolish, ridiculous, and unworthy of an active man; and it makes +me lose my self-respect more and more. Yet it does not prevent my +trying to hypnotize Kromitzki. + +It is the old story again of the intelligent man who, given up by the +doctors, goes for advice to quacks and wise women. I want to kill my +enemy by hypnotism; and as it only shows my own worthlessness, it is I +who suffer by it. I must also confess that as often as I am alone, I +begin to think of all possible means in human power to put the hateful +man out of the way. For some time I nursed the thought of killing him +in a duel; but this would not lead to anything. Aniela would never +marry the man who had killed her husband; then, like a common +criminal, I began to think of other ways. And what is the strangest +thing of all, I discovered ways which human justice would not be able +to detect. Foolishness! vain thoughts! pure theory! + +Kromitzki need have no fear for his life; thoughts like these will +never be acted upon. I should not kill him if I could do it without +more responsibility than is incurred in crushing a spider; should not +kill him if we two were alone together on a desert island. If one +could divide the human brain as one cuts in two an apple, and lay +bare its thoughts, it would be found that mine is honeycombed with +murderous thoughts. What is more, I am well aware that if I refrain +from killing Kromitzki it is not by reason of any moral principle +contained in the law "Thou shalt do no murder." This law I have +already violated morally. I refrain from killing him because some +remnants of chivalric tradition bar my way; because my refined nerves +would not permit me to commit a brutal deed; in short, I am too far +removed from primitive man to be physically competent to the task, +though morally I slay him every day. And now I ask myself whether, in +presence of a higher judgment, I should be held responsible, as if I +had committed the deed. + +It may be that if one could lay open the human brain, as I said +before, in the most virtuous individual thoughts would be found to +make our hair stand on end. I remember that, when a little boy, there +came upon me a period of such religious fervor that I prayed from +morning until night; and at the same time, in the midst of my pious +transports, there came into my mind blasphemous thoughts, as if an +evil wind had blown them thither, or a demon whispered them into my +ear. In the same way I had irreverent thoughts about persons whom +I loved with all my heart and for whom I would have given my life +without a moment's hesitation. I remember that this, which I might +call a tragedy of childhood, cost me a great deal of anguish. But I +will not dwell upon that now. Going back to blasphemous or criminal +thoughts, I do not think we are responsible for them, as they come +from the knowledge of evil, not from an evil growing within the +organism itself; and for the very reason that it is outward to +ourselves we fancy an evil spirit suggesting the thoughts. Man listens +to it, and being averse to evil, spurns it; and there may be some +merit in this. But with me it is different. The thought of getting rid +of Kromitzki does not come from the outside, but springs from me and +exists within me. I have come down to that morally, and if I do not +commit the deed it is a mere matter of nerves. The part of my inward +Mephistopheles is confined to mocking and whispering into my ear that +the deed would only prove my energy, and not be much of a crime. + +These are the crossways on which I never dreamed of finding myself. +I look into the depths of my own self with amazement. I do not know +whether my exceptional troubles will partly atone for my errors, but +one thing I know, namely: that he whose life cannot find room in +the simple code Aniela and others like her cling to, if his soul is +brimming over and breaks its bounds it must mix with dust and be +polluted in the mud. + + +9 July. + +To-day in the reading-room Kromitzki pointed out to me an Englishman +accompanied by a very beautiful woman, and told me their story. The +beauty is a Roumanian by birth and married a Wallachian bankrupt +Boyar, from whom the Englishman simply bought her at Ostend. I have +heard of similar transactions at least a dozen times. Kromitzki even +mentioned the sum the Englishman had given for her. The story made a +strange impression upon me. I thought to myself, "This is one way, +however disgraceful for the seller and buyer; it is a simple method of +obtaining a desired result. The woman concerned in it need not know +anything about the transaction, and the agreement could be concealed +under decent appearances." Involuntarily I began to apply the idea to +our own situation. Suppose it answered. The whole thing presented +itself to me under two aspects: in regard to Aniela as a horrible +profanation; in regard to Kromitzki, not only as feasible, but at the +same time gratifying my scorn and hatred for him. If he agreed to it, +he would prove himself a villain, and show what kind of man he is, and +what a monstrous thing has been done in giving Aniela to him. I should +then be quite justified in all my endeavors to take her from him. But +would he agree? I said to myself: "You hate him, and consequently +believe him capable of any evil." But thinking of him objectively, I +remembered that the man had sold his wife's property, had deceived +her and Pani Celina, and also that the ruling passion of his life was +greed for gain. It was not I alone who considered him as one wholly +possessed by the gold fever. Sniatynski thought the same, and so do +my aunt and Pani Celina. This kind of moral disease always leads into +pitfalls. I understand that much will depend upon the state of his +affairs. How they stand nobody seems to know, unless it be his agent +Chwastowski. It suddenly struck me that I might get some information +from this same Chwastowski, but that would take some time. Perhaps I +will run over to Vienna and see his brother the doctor, who is working +in the Vienna hospitals; the brothers are sure to correspond with each +other. My aunt thinks that he is not doing as well as he wants us +to believe, and I imagine that he has sunk all his money in +some speculation from which he expects a great profit. Will he +succeed?--that is the question. He himself does not know; hence +his restlessness, and the multitude of letters he sends to young +Chwastowski. In the mean while I will sound him cautiously, lest I +should rouse his suspicions, as to what he thinks of the Boyar who +sold his wife to the Englishman. I do not suppose for a moment that +he will be quite sincere, but I will help him and guess the rest. The +whole sum and substance of this is, that it has put a little more life +into me. There is nothing more horrible than to suffer passively; and +anything that rouses me from my apathy is acceptable. I repeat to +myself, "At least to-morrow and the day after, you will have something +to do to further your plans;" and that promises a transition from +utter passiveness to a feverish activity. I must be doing something; +it is a question of not losing control over my senses. I pledged my +word to Aniela not to attempt my life, and I cannot go on living as I +do. If the road I am taking be ignominious, the ignominy will be for +Kromitzki more than for me. I must and will separate them, not only +for my own sake but also for Aniela's sake. I am really feverish. +Everybody seems to derive some benefit from the bathing except me. + + +10 July. + +There are some hot days even in Gastein. What heat! Aniela is dressed +in white soft flannel, such as English girls wear for lawn-tennis. We +have our breakfast in the open air. She comes from her bath as bright +and fresh as the snow at sunrise. The supple figure shows to great +advantage in the graceful dress. The morning light falls upon her and +shows distinctly every hair on the eyebrows, lashes, and the delicate +down on either side of her face. The hair is glistening with +moisture and looks fairer in this light, and the eyelids are almost +transparent. How young she is, and how intoxicating her appearance! In +her, then, is my life, in her everything I want. I will not go away, I +cannot. Looking at her I seem to lose my senses from intoxication, and +at the same time from pain; for close by her side sits he who is her +husband. It cannot continue thus; let her belong to no one provided +she be not his. She understands to a certain extent what I suffer, but +not altogether. She does not love her husband, but considers it her +duty to live with him. I gnash my teeth at the very thought, for in +admitting his rights she degrades herself; and that is not allowed, +even to her. Far better she were dead. Then she will be mine; because +the lawful husband will remain behind, but not I. By this token I am +more lawfully hers than he is. + +There is something very strange going on within me at times. For +instance, when I am very tired or when my mind is concentrated upon +one point I seem to look into the future, into far-away space which +remains invisible to me in a normal state. Then there comes to me such +a conviction that Aniela belongs to me--that in some way she is or +will be mine--that when I wake up I have to remind myself that there +exists such a man as Kromitzki. Maybe in moments like those I cross +the boundary which separates the living from the dead, and have a +vision of things more perfect, such as the ideals we dream about, +as they might shape themselves in outward form. Why is it these two +worlds are not more in touch with each other? As often as I try to +solve this problem I lose myself; I cannot understand this want of +harmony, but feel dimly that therein lie our imperfection and our +misery. The thought comforts me, for in the ideal world Aniela could +not belong to a man like Kromitzki. + + +11 July. + +Another disappointment, another plan shattered, but I have still hope +that all is not lost. I spoke to-day with Kromitzki about the Boyar +who sold his wife, and invented a whole story in order to discover his +real feelings. We met the Englishman with his purchased wife near the +Cascades. I began by praising her beauty, and then remarked:-- + +"The doctor here told me something about the transaction, and I think +you are a little hard upon the Boyar." + +"Hard upon him? not a bit; he amuses me intensely," he replied. + +"There are extenuating circumstances in the case. He is not only a +Boyar, but the owner of extensive tannery works. Suddenly, because of +the infection, the importation of skins from Roumania was forbidden. +The man recognized that unless he could tide over the time until the +law was repealed he would be ruined, and with him hundreds of families +to whom he gave employment. My dear fellow, he looked at it from +a business point of view; perhaps business morality is a little +different from general morality, and as he had once entered into +that--" + +"He had a right to sell his wife? To fulfil one part of his duties he +had no right to trample upon another and perhaps more binding duty." + +Kromitzki could not have disappointed me more thoroughly than by thus +showing some decent feeling. But I did not give up my hope at once. +I know that even the meanest person has still at his disposition +high-sounding words wherewith to mask his real character. Therefore I +went on:-- + +"You do not take into account one thing, namely, that the man would +have dragged his wife with him into poverty. Confess it is a singular +idea of duty that it should lead us to deprive those dependent on us +of their daily bread." + +"Do you know, I had no idea you were so deucedly sober-minded." + +"You fool!" I thought to myself; "don't you understand that these are +not my views, but views I want you to adopt?" Aloud I said:-- + +"I only try to put myself into the place of this business man. +Besides, you do not consider that the woman probably did not love her +husband, and that the other man was aware of it." + +"In such a case they were worthy of each other." + +"That is another question altogether. Looking a little deeper into +the affair, and supposing that being in love with the Englishman, she +nevertheless remained faithful to her husband, she may be worthier +than you think. As to the Boyar, he may be a villain for anything I +know, but what can he do, I ask you, in case somebody comes to him and +says: 'You are a bankrupt twice over; you have debts you cannot pay, +and a wife that does not love you. Divorce that woman, and I will take +care of her future, and will also take upon me all your liabilities.' +It is a way of speaking, to say the man 'sold' his wife; but can a +transaction like this be called a sale? Consider that the merchant +who agreed to this proposition by one stroke saved his wife from +poverty,--and possibly this is the right way to look upon duty,--and +saved all those who depended upon him!" + +Kromitzki thought a little, then dropped his eyeglass and said:-- + +"My dear fellow, as to business I flatter myself that I know a great +deal more about it than you; but as to arguments, I confess that you +would soon drive me into a corner. If you had not inherited millions +from your father, you would be able to amass a fortune as a barrister. +You have put the whole thing in such a light that I do not know what +to think of that Roumanian chap. All I know about it is that some +kind of transaction about his wife had occurred, and that, put it in +whatever light you will, is always a disreputable thing. Besides, as +I am somewhat of a merchant myself, I will tell you another thing: +a bankrupt can always find a way out of his difficulties: he either +makes another fortune and then pays his debts, or he blows out his +brains and pays with his life; and at the same time, if he is married, +he sets his wife free and gives her another chance." + +I fumed and raged inwardly, and would have given anything if I could +have shouted out to him: "You are a bankrupt already in one thing, for +your wife does not love you. You see the Cascades; jump in, set her +free, and give her the chance of some happiness." But I remained +silent, chewing the bitter cud of my reflections. Kromitzki, however +commonplace he might be, though capable of selling Gluchow and taking +advantage of his wife's trust in him, was not the villain I took him +for. It was a disappointment and destroyed the plan to which for the +moment I had clung as to a plank of safety. Again I felt powerless, +and saw looming up before me the vast solitude. Nevertheless, I held +fast to that purpose because I understood that unless I could do +something, I should go mad. "It will at least prepare the ground for +anything that may turn up, and accustom Kromitzki to the thought of +parting with Aniela," I said to myself. As I said before, nobody knows +in what state Kromitzki's affairs are, but I suppose that a man who +speculates is liable to losses as well as to gains. I said to him:-- + +"I do not know whether your principles are, strictly speaking, +business principles, but at any rate they are the sentiments of an +honorable man, and I respect you for them. You said, if I understood +you, that a man has no right to drag his wife with him into poverty." + +"No, I did not say that; I only said that to sell one's wife is a +villany; the wife ought to share her husband's fate. I think but +little of a fair-weather wife, who wants to break her marriage vows +because her husband cannot give her the comforts of life." + +"Suppose she did not agree, he might set her free against her will. +Besides, if she knew that by submitting to a divorce, she could save +her husband, duty well understood would bid her to yield." + +"It is unpleasant even to talk about such things." + +"Why? are you sorry for the Boyar?" + +"Not I; I shall always hold him for a blackguard." + +"Because you do not look at things from an objective point of view. +But that is not astonishing. A man like you, with whom everything is +prospering, cannot enter into the psychology of a bankrupt unless +he be a philosopher; and philosophy has nothing to do with making +millions." + +I did not wish to prolong the conversation, so utterly disgusted was +I with my own perversity. I had sown the seed,--a very small and +pitiable seed to produce anything; and yet I clung to it tenaciously. +One thing revived my hope. At the moment when I tried to make him +believe that a ruined man ought to set his wife free, there was a +certain constraint and trouble in his expression. I also noticed that +when I spoke about his millions a slight sigh escaped him. To infer +from this that he is on the brink of ruin, would be jumping at +conclusions; but I may fairly conjecture that his affairs are in +a precarious state. I resolved to get at the truth as quickly as +possible. + +In the mean while my own self seemed to be divided in two parts. The +one said: "If you waver ever so little, I will push you downward if +it should cost me my whole fortune. I will work your ruin, and when +I come to deal with a broken man, it remains to be seen whether for +certain transactions you do not find a gentler word than, 'villany.'" +Yet I was conscious at the same time that these were not my thoughts +nor my ways of dealing; that they had been suggested to me by somebody +else, and that but for my desperate position they would never have +found room in me, as they are averse to my nature and repulsive to me. +Money never played any part in my life, either as means or as aim. I +consider myself incapable of using such a weapon, and I felt what a +degradation it would be for me and Aniela to introduce that element +into our relations to each other. The thought of it was so repulsive +to me that I said to myself: "Will you not spare yourself? Must you +even drink from such a bowl? See how you are degenerating step by +step. Formerly thoughts like these would never have crossed your mind; +and what is more, schemes like these are utterly useless, and will +only lower you in your own eyes." + +In fact, formerly, when my aunt spoke of Kromitzki's affairs in a +doubting spirit, it had always caused me some uneasiness. The prospect +that at some time or other he might want me to assist him or take a +share in his transactions had made me consider what I should do in +such a case; and I always vowed that I would decline and have nothing +to do with any of his affairs; so repugnant to me was the thought of +mingling money matters with my relations to Aniela. I remember that +I saw in this another proof of the nobility and refinement of my +feelings. To-day I grasp that weapon as if I were a banker and had +lived by money transactions all my life. + +I perceive with absolute certainty that my thoughts and deeds are +worse than myself, and I ask myself how that can be. Most probably +because I cannot find the way out of the labyrinth. I love a noble +woman; my love is very great; and yet, putting the two together, the +net result is crookedness, and enchanted circles where my character +loses itself and even my nerves grow less sensitive. When, in former +times, I erred and strayed from the right path there still remained +something, some aesthetic feeling, by the help of which I still +distinguished good from evil. At present I have none of that feeling, +or if it still exists it is powerless. If I had only at the same time +lost the consciousness of what is ugly and offensive! But no; I have +it still, only it does not serve me as a curb, and is of no effect +except to aggravate my troubles. Beside my love for Aniela there is no +room for anything; but consciousness does not require space. I absorb +love, hatred, and sorrow as a cancer breeds in a diseased organism. + +He who has never been in a position similar to mine cannot understand +it. I knew that from love's entanglements spring various sufferings, +but I did not appreciate those sufferings. I did not believe they were +so real and so difficult to bear. Only now I understand the difference +between "knowing" and "believing," and the meaning of the French +thinker's words: "We know we must die, but we do not believe it." + + +12 July. + +To-day my pulses are beating wildly, and there is a singing in my +ears; for something has occurred the memory of which thrills every +nerve as in a fever. The day was very beautiful, the evening more +lovely still, and there was a full moon. We resolved to make an +excursion to Hofgastein,--all but Pani Celina, who preferred to remain +at home. My aunt, Kromitzki, and I went down together to the villa +gate, whence Kromitzki sped towards Straubinger's to order a carriage, +my aunt and I waiting for Aniela, who lingered behind. As she did not +come I went back and saw her descending the winding staircase leading +from the second floor into the garden. + +As the moon was on the other side, this part of the house was wrapped +in darkness, and Aniela came down very slowly. There was a moment when +my head was on a level with Aniela's feet. The temptation was too +great; I put my hands gently around them and pressed my lips to +them. I knew I should have to pay a heavy penalty for this minute of +happiness, but I could not forego it. God knows with what reverence I +touched her feet, and for how much pain this moment compensated me. +But for Aniela's resistance I should have put her foot upon my head +in token that I was her servant and her slave. She drew back and went +upstairs again but I ran down calling out loudly, so that my aunt +could hear me:-- + +"Aniela is coming, coming." + +Nothing remained for her now but to come down again, which she could +do safely, as I had remained near the gate. At the same moment +Kromitzki arrived with the carriage. Aniela coming up to us said:-- + +"I came to ask you, aunty, to let me stop at home. I would rather not +leave mamma alone. You can go, and I will wait for you with the tea." + +"But Celina is quite well," replied my aunt, with a shade of annoyance +in her voice, "it was she who proposed the excursion, mainly for your +sake." + +"Yes, but--" began Aniela. + +Kromitzki came up, and hearing what was the matter, said sharply: +"Please do not raise any difficulties." And Aniela, without saying a +word, took her seat in the carriage. + +In spite of my emotion I was struck by Kromitzki's tone of voice and +Aniela's silent obedience,--all the more as I had already noticed that +his manners towards her during the day had been those of a man who +is displeased. There was evidently the same reason, of which I knew +nothing, at the bottom of this, and of the estrangement some time ago. +But there was no room now for these reflections; the fresh memory of +the kiss I had imprinted on her feet still overpowered my senses. I +felt a great delight and joy, not unmixed with fear. I could account +for the delight because I felt it every time I only touched her hand. +But why the joy? Because I saw that the immaculate Aniela could not +escape from me altogether, and must needs confess to herself: "I am on +the downward path too, and cannot look people in the face; he was at +my feet a moment ago, the man who loves me, and I am obliged to be his +accomplice and cannot go to my husband and tell him to take me hence." +I knew she could not do this without creating a commotion; and if she +could, she would not do it, for fear of an encounter between me and +Kromitzki,--"And who knows for whom she is most afraid?" something +within me whispered. + +Aniela's position is indeed a difficult one, and I, knowing this, take +advantage of it without more scruples than are admitted by a general +in time of war who attacks the enemy at his weakest point. I asked +myself whether I would do the same if Kromitzki would make me +personally responsible; and as I could conscientiously say "Yes," I +thought there was no need for any further consideration. Kromitzki +inspires me with fear only in so far as he has power to remove Aniela +and put her out of my reach altogether. The very thought makes me +desperate. But at this moment, in the carriage, I only feared Aniela. +What will happen to-morrow? How will she take it? As a liberty, or as +a mere impulse of respect and worship? + +I felt as a dog may feel that has done wrong and is afraid of being +whipped. Sitting opposite Aniela, I tried at moments when the moon +shone on her face to read there what was to be my sentence. I looked +at her so humbly and was so meek that I pitied myself, and thought she +too ought to pity me a little. But she did not look at me at all, and +listened or seemed to listen attentively to what Kromitzki was telling +my aunt he would do if Gastein belonged to him. My aunt only nodded, +and he repeated every moment: "Now, really, don't you think I am +right?" It is evident that he wants to impress my aunt with his +enterprising spirit, and to convince her that he is capable of making +a shilling out of every penny. + +The road to Hofgastein, hewn out of the rocks, skirting the +precipices, winds and twists around the mountain slopes. The light +of the moon shone alternately on our faces and those of the ladies +opposite, according to the varying directions of the road. In Aniela's +face I saw nothing but a sweet sadness, and I took courage from the +fact that it was neither stern nor forbidding. I did not obtain +a single glance, but I comforted myself by the thought that when +concealed in the shadow, she would perhaps look at me and say to +herself: "Nobody loves me as he does, and nobody can be at the same +time more unhappy than he,"--which is true. We were both silent. Only +Kromitzki kept on talking; his voice mingled with the rush of the +waters below the rocks and the creaking of the brake, which the driver +often applied. This creaking irritated my nerves very much, but the +warm, transparent night lulled them into restfulness again. It was, +as I said before, full moon; the bright orb had risen above +the mountains, and sailing through space illumined the tops of +Bocksteinkogl, the Tischlkar glaciers, and the precipitous slopes +of the Graukogl. The snow on the heights shone with a pale-green, +metallic lustre, and as the mountain sides below were shrouded in +darkness, the snowy sheen seemed to float in mid air, as if not +belonging to the earth. There was such a charm, such peace and +restfulness in these sleeping mountains, that involuntarily the words +of the poet came into mind:-- + + "At such a moment, alas! two hearts are grieving. + What there is to forgive, they are forgiving; + What was to be forgot, they dismiss to oblivion." + +And yet what is there to forgive? That I kissed her feet? If she were +a sacred statue she could not be offended by such an act of reverence. +I thought if it came to an explanation between us I would tell her +that. + +I often think that Aniela does me a great wrong, not to say that she +calls things by wrong names. She considers my love a mere earthly +feeling, an infatuation of the senses. I do not deny that it is +composed of various threads, but there are among them some as purely +ideal as if spun of poetry. Very often my senses are lulled to sleep, +and I love her as one loves only in early youth. Then the second self +within me mocks, and says derisively: "I had no idea you could love +like a schoolboy or a romanticist!" Yet such is the fact. I may be +ridiculous, but I love her thus, and it is not an artificial feeling. +It is this which makes my love so complete, and at the same time so +sad; for Aniela misconstrues it and cannot enter into its spirit. Even +now I inwardly spoke to her thus: "Do you think there are no ideal +chords in my soul? At this moment I love you in such a way that you +may accept my love without fear. It would be a pity to spurn so much +feeling; it would cost you nothing, and it would be my salvation. +I could then say to myself: 'This is my whole world; within its +boundaries I am allowed to live. It would be something at least. I +would try to change my nature, try to believe in what you believe, and +hold fast to it all my life.'" + +It seemed to me that she ought to agree to such a proposition, after +which there would be everlasting peace between us. I promised myself +to put it before her, and once we know that our souls belong to each +other we may even part. There awoke within me a certain hope that she +will agree to this, for she must understand that without it both our +lives will remain miserable. + +It was nine o'clock when we arrived at Hofgastein. It was very quiet +and still in the village. Only the Gasthaus was lighted, and before +Meger's some excellent voices were singing mountain airs. I thought of +asking the serenaders to sing before our window, but I found they were +not villagers; they were Viennese mountaineers, to whom one could +not offer money. I bought two bunches of edelweiss and other Alpine +flowers, and giving one to Aniela I accidentally, as it were, +unloosened the other and the flowers fell under her feet. + +"Let them lie there," I said, seeing she was stooping to pick them up. +I went in search of some more flowers for my aunt. When I came back I +heard Kromitzki say:-- + +"Even here at Hofgastein, by erecting another branch establishment, +one could easily make a hundred per cent." + +"You are still hammering at the same subject," I said quietly. I said +this on purpose; it was the same as to say to Aniela: "See, while my +whole being is occupied with you he thinks of nothing but how to make +money. Compare our feelings; compare us with each other." I am almost +certain she understood my meaning. + +On the return journey I made several attempts to draw Aniela into +general conversation, but did not succeed. When we arrived at the gate +of the villa Kromitzki went upstairs with the ladies, and I remained +behind to pay for the carriage. When I went up I did not find Aniela +at tea. My aunt said she had gone to bed and seemed very tired. +A great uneasiness got hold of me, and I reproached myself for +tormenting her. There is nothing more crushing for the man who loves +truly than the consciousness that he is bringing unhappiness on her he +loves. We took our tea in silence, for my aunt was drowsy, Kromitzki +seemed depressed, and I tormented myself more and more with anxious +thoughts. "She must have taken it very much to heart," I thought, "and +as usual has put upon it the worst construction." I expected she would +avoid me the next day and consider our treaty of peace broken by that +rash act of mine. This filled me with fear, and I resolved to go, or +rather to escape, the next day to Vienna; firstly, because I dreaded +meeting Aniela, secondly, because I wanted to see Doctor Chwastowski; +and finally, I thought,--and God knows how bitter is the thought,--to +relieve her of my presence for a few days and give her rest. + + +15 July. + +A whole budget of events. I do not know where to begin, as the last +sensations are the uppermost. Never yet had I such convincing proofs +that she cares for me. It will cost me no small effort to put +everything down in proper order. I am now almost sure Aniela will +agree to the conditions I am going to propose to her. My head is still +in a whirl; but I will try to start from the beginning. + +I have been in Vienna and brought some news I am going to discuss with +my aunt. I have seen Chwastowski. What a fine fellow he is!--works at +the hospitals, is busy upon a series of hygienic articles his brother +is to publish in three-penny booklets for the people, belongs to +several medical and non-medical associations, and still finds time for +various gay entertainments on the Kaerthner Strasse. I do not know +when he finds time to sleep. And the fellow looks like a giant from a +fair. What an exuberance of life!--he seems literally brimming over +with life. I told him without any preliminaries what had brought me to +Vienna. + +"I do not know," I said, "whether you are aware that my aunt and I +possess considerable capital. We are not obliged to speculate, but +if we could invest our money in some enterprise where it would bring +profit, the profit would be so much gain for the country. I suppose if +at the same time we could render a service to Pan Kromitzki it would +be a two-fold gain. Between ourselves, he is personally indifferent to +us, but he is by his marriage connected with our family. We should be +glad to help him provided we can do so without running any risk." + +"And you would like to know how he stands in his affairs, sir?" + +"Yes, I should. He seems very sanguine in his hopes, and no doubt +believes himself to be right. The question is whether he does not +delude himself. Therefore if your brother has written you anything +without binding you to secrecy I should like to know what he says. You +might also ask him to give me an exact statement as to their business +transactions. My aunt relies upon you, considering that the relations +which connect us with your family are of a much older standing than +those connecting her with Kromitzki." + +"All right; I will let my brother know about it. He mentioned +something in one of his letters, but as it does not interest me very +much I did not take notice of it at the time." + +Saying this, he began to search in his desk among his papers, where +he found it easily and then read aloud: "'I am heartily tired of the +place. No women here worth talking about, and not a pretty one in the +whole lot.'" He laughed. "No, that's not what I wanted. He would like +to be in Vienna." Turning over a page he handed it to me, but I found +only these few lines:-- + +"As to Kromitzki, his speculation in oil has turned out a failure. +With the Rothschilds a struggle is impossible, and he went against +them. We had to get out of it as well as we could, but lost a deal +of money. We have got a monopoly in the contract business; there are +immense profits to be made, but there is also a considerable risk. It +all depends upon the honesty of the people we deal with. We treat them +fairly and trust to luck. But money is wanted, because the government +pays us at stated terms, and we have to pay money down, and besides +that, often receive bad material. I have to look at present after +everything myself." + +"We will furnish the money," I said, when I had finished reading. + +On the way back to Gastein I thought it over and my better instincts +prevailed. "Let the future take care of itself," I thought; and in +the mean while would it not be more simple and more honest to help +Kromitzki instead of ruining him? Aniela would appreciate such an act, +and my disinterestedness would win her approval; and as to the future, +let Providence decide about that. + +But would it be an act of disinterestedness on my part? Reflecting +upon it, I found that my own selfish views had a great deal to do with +it. Thus I foresaw that Kromitzki, getting hold of the money, would +leave Gastein immediately and release me from the torments his +presence near Aniela gives me. Aniela would remain alone, surrounded +by my devotion, with gratitude in her heart for me, resentment or even +indignation towards Kromitzki because he had availed himself of my +offer. I seemed to see new horizons opening before me. But above all, +and at whatever cost, I wanted to get free of Kromitzki's presence. + +I thought so much of my future relation to Aniela that I arrived +at Lend-Gastein before I was aware of it. At Lend I found a great +commotion. A railway accident had happened on the branch line of Zell +am See, and the place was full of wounded people; but scarcely had +I taken my seat in the carriage when the impression the killed and +wounded had made upon me gave way to the thoughts that occupied me so +exclusively. I saw clearly that some change must take place in our +relation, that the present state could not be prolonged indefinitely +without doing mischief to both of us and bringing us both to such a +pass that it would be better for me to roll down the precipice there +and then and make an end of it at once. + +Aniela, though she does not yield in the least, must needs be +distracted in her mind by the continual presence of that forbidden +love. It is true she does not give me any encouragement, but now and +then I kiss her hands, her feet; she is compelled to listen to words +of love, obliged to have secrets from her husband and her mother, and +always control herself and me lest I might overstep the boundary. Life +under such conditions becomes unbearable to us both. It must undergo +some change. At last I had found, I thought, a solution of the +problem. Let Aniela frankly admit that she loves me, and say to me: +"I am yours heart and soul, and will be yours forever; but let that +satisfy you. If you agree to that our souls henceforth will be as +one and belong to each other forever." And I bound myself to her. I +fancied I was taking her hand and saying: "I take you thus and promise +not to seek for anything more, promise that our relations will remain +purely spiritual, but as binding as those of husband and wife." + +Is such an agreement feasible, and will it put an end to our sorrow? +For me it is a renunciation of all my hopes and desires, but it +creates for me a new world in which Aniela will be mine. Besides that, +it will make our love a legitimate right; and I would give my very +health if Aniela would agree to it. I see in this another proof of the +earnestness of my love, and how I wish her to be mine; I am ready to +pay any price, accept any restrictions, provided she acknowledges her +love. + +I began to think intently whether she would agree. And it seemed to me +she would. I heard myself speaking to her in a persuasive, irrefutable +manner:-- + +"Since you really love me, what difference can it make to you if you +tell me so with your own lips? What can there be nobler, holier than +the love I ask you for? I have surrendered to you my whole life, +because I could not do otherwise. Ask your own conscience, and it +will tell you that you ought to do this much for me. It is the same +relation as Beatrice's to Dante. Angels love each other in that way. +You will be near me, as near as one soul can be to another, and yet as +distant as if you dwelt on the highest of heights. That it is a +love above all earthly loves is all the more a reason for your not +rejecting it; carried on the wings of such a love your soul will +remain pure; it will save me and bring peace and happiness to both of +us." + +I felt within me a boundless wealth of this almost mystic love, and a +belief that this earthly chrysalis would come forth in another world a +butterfly, which, detached from all earthly conditions would soar from +planet to planet, till it became united to the spirit of All-Life. For +the first time the thought crossed my mind that Aniela and I may pass +away as bodies, but our love will survive and even be our immortality. +"Who knows," I thought, "whether this be not the only existing form +of immortality?"--because I felt distinctly that there is something +everlasting in my feeling, quite distinct from the ever changing +phenomena of life. A man must love very deeply to be capable of such +feelings and visions; he must be very unhappy, and perhaps close on +the brink of insanity. I am not yet on that brink, but I am close upon +mysticism, and never so happy as when I thus lose myself and scatter +my own self, so that I have some difficulty in finding it again. I +fully understand why this is the case. My dualism, my inward criticism +shattered all the foundations of my life, together with the happiness +these foundations would have given me. In those lands where, instead +of syllogisms, visions and dim consciousness reign paramount, +criticism finds no room; and this solution gives me rest and relief. + +Thus I rested when I drew near Gastein. I saw myself and Aniela wedded +spiritually and at peace. I had the proud consciousness that I had +found a way out of the enchanted circle and into happiness. I was +certain Aniela would give me her hand, and thus together we would +begin a new life. + +Suddenly I started as if waking from a dream, and saw that my hand was +covered with blood. It appeared that the same vehicle I was travelling +in had been used to transport some of the injured victims of the +railway disaster. There was a deal of blood at one side of the seat, +which the driver had not noticed or had forgotten to wipe off. My +mysticism does not go so far as to create belief in the intervention +of mysterious powers through omens, signs, or predictions. Yet, though +not superstitious myself, I am able to enter the train of thought of a +superstitious man, and consequently observe the singular coincidence +of this fact. It seemed to me strange that in the carriage where I +dreamed about the beginning of a new life some other life had perhaps +breathed its last; also that with bloodstained hands I had been +thinking of peace and happiness. + +Coincidences like these more or less influence nervous persons, not by +filling them with presentiments, but rather by throwing a dark shadow +upon all their thoughts. Undoubtedly mine would have travelled in that +direction had I not been close upon Wildbad. Slowly crawling up the +hill I saw another carriage coming down at an unusual speed. "There +will be another collision," I thought, as on the steep road it is very +difficult for two carriages to pass each other. But at the same moment +the driver of the vehicle put on the brake with all his strength, and +the horses went at a slow pace. Suddenly, to my great astonishment, I +recognized in the inmates of the carriage my aunt and Aniela. They, +too, had caught sight of me; and Aniela cried out:-- + +"It is he! Leon! Leon!" + +In an instant I was at their side. My aunt fell upon my neck, and +repeated, "God has been good to us!" and breathed as rapidly as if she +had been running all the way from Wildbad. Aniela had clutched my hand +and held it fast; then all at once a terrible fear shone in her face, +and she cried out:-- + +"You are wounded?" + +I understood at once what was the matter, and said,-- + +"Not in the least. I was not at the accident at all. I got the blood +on my hand from the carriage, which had been used for the wounded." + +"Is it true, quite true?" + +"Quite true." + +"What train was it that was wrecked?" asked my aunt. + +"The train coming from Zell am See." + +"Oh, good God! A telegram came to say it was the Vienna train. It +almost killed me. Oh, God, what happiness! Praise be to God!" + +My aunt began wiping the perspiration from her face. Aniela was as +white as a sheet. She released my hand, and turned her head aside to +hide her tears and twitching mouth. + +"We were alone in the house," continued my aunt. "Kromitzki had gone +with some Belgians to Nassfeld. The landlord came and told us about +the accident on the line, and you can well imagine what state I was +in, knowing you were coming by that same line. I sent the landlord at +once for a carriage, and this dear child would not let me go alone. +What a terrible time it has been for us! Thank God, we escaped with a +mere fright. Did you see the wounded?" + +I kissed my aunt's and Aniela's hands, and told them what I had seen +at Lend-Gastein. It appeared that the telegram sent to the Kurhaus was +thus expressed: "Railway accident at Lend-Gastein; many killed and +wounded." From which everybody concluded that the calamity had +happened on the Vienna-Salzburg line. + +I gave them a few fragmentary details of what I had seen. I did not +think much of what I was saying, as my head was full of the one joyful +thought: "Aniela could not wait for news at home, and preferred to +come with my aunt and meet me!" Did she do this for my aunt's sake? +Most assuredly not. I saw the trouble in her face, the sudden terror +when she noticed the blood on my hand, and the lighting up of her +whole countenance when she heard I had not been near the place at the +time of the accident. I saw she was still so deeply moved as to be +inclined to weep from sheer happiness. She would have burst into tears +if at that moment I had taken her hands and told her how I loved her, +and would not have snatched them away. And as all this was as clear as +the day, it seemed to me that my torments were about to end, and that +from that moment the dawn of another life had begun. From time to time +I looked at her with eyes in which I concentrated all my power of +love, and she smiled at me. I noticed that she was without gloves +or mantle. She had evidently forgotten them in her haste and +perturbation. As it had grown rather chilly, I wanted to wrap her in +my overcoat. She resisted a little, but my aunt made her accept it. + +When we arrived at the villa Pani Celina met me with as much +overflowing tenderness and delight as if Aniela in case of my death +had not been the next of kin, and heiress to the Ploszow estate. Such +noble, disinterested women are not often met with in this world. I +would not guarantee that Kromitzki when he comes to hear about it may +not utter a discreet sigh, and think that the world would go on quite +as well if there were no Ploszowskis. + +Kromitzki returned very tired and cross. The Belgians he had met, and +with whom he had gone to Nassfeld, were capitalists from Antwerp. He +spoke of them as idiots who were satisfied to get three per cent. for +their capital. He said when parting for the night that he wished to +talk with me in the morning about some important matter. Formerly I +should have disliked the idea of this, for I suppose he will make some +financial proposition. Now I almost wished to get it over at once; but +I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, with my happiness, and with +Aniela in my heart and soul. I pressed her hand at good-night as a +lover might, and she returned a warm pressure. + +"Are you really and truly mine?" I said inwardly. + + +16 July. + +I had scarcely finished dressing in the morning when my aunt came +into my room, and after wishing me good-morning said, without any +preface,-- + +"While you were away Kromitzki made me a proposal to enter into +partnership with him." + +"And what answer did you give him?" + +"I refused point-blank. I said to him: 'My dear cousin, thank God, I +have as much as I want; and after my death Leon will be one of the +wealthiest men in the country. Why should we rush into adventures and +tempt Providence? If you make millions in your enterprises, it will be +a good thing for you; if you lose your money, why should we lose ours +with you? I do not know anything about these things, and am not in the +habit of undertaking what I know nothing about.' Was I right?" + +"Very much so." + +"That is just what I wanted to talk over with you, and I am glad you +look at it from the same point of view. You see, he was a little +offended that I called his enterprises adventures; he explained +everything to me, nevertheless, and told me what prospects he had for +the future. Then I asked him, straight out, why he wanted a partner, +since everything was going on so well. He replied that the more money +was put into the concern the greater would be the profit; that out +there everything was done on a great scale, and he would rather the +family shared the profits than strangers. I thanked him for his +family sympathies, but repeated my refusal. I saw that he was greatly +disappointed. He began to grumble that nobody in the country had any +brains for business; all they were capable of was to spend what they +had got. He said in plain words that it was a social crime not to use +one's capital to a better purpose. Thereupon I became very angry. 'My +good friend,' I said, 'I have managed my estate I dare say in woman +fashion, but I have not lost any money; rather I have increased my +property; and as to social crimes, if anybody has the right to speak +of that, it is certainly not you, who sold Gluchow. If you wanted to +hear the truth, you hear it now. If you had not sold Gluchow, I should +have trusted you more. As to your enterprises, it is not only I that +know nothing about them, but others too are equally in the dark; one +thing is quite clear to me, and that is that if your prospects were as +brilliant as you make them out, you would not be in search of partners +or feel hurt at my refusal. You want a partner because you cannot do +without; you have not dealt openly with me, and that I dislike more +than anything else.'" + +"What did he say to that?" + +"He said that he could not understand why he should be held +responsible for the sale of Gluchow. It was not he who had let the +estate slip through his fingers; it had been slipping gradually +through the hands of those that had administered it badly, and it +was their thoughtlessness and lavishness that had made the sale +indispensable. Aniela when she married him had nothing but debts. He +had saved out of the wreck more than anybody else could have done, and +now instead of gratitude he met with reproaches and--wait a bit, what +word did he use?--yes, and 'pathetic declamations.'" + +"It is not true," I said; "Gluchow could have been saved." + +"I said the same to him, and also that upon Gluchow I would have lent +him the money. 'You might have sent me word through Aniela,' I said +to him, 'about the sale, or told her to talk it over with me, and God +knows, I would have made any sacrifice to save the property. But such +is your method,--not to let anybody know what you are doing. We all +believed in your millions, and that is the reason I never dreamed of +offering you any pecuniary help.' He laughed ironically. 'Aniela,' +he said, 'is too great a lady and far too lofty to stoop to interest +herself in the details of her husband's business. I asked her twice to +speak to you about the partnership, and both times she refused most +decidedly. It is very easy to speak about saving Gluchow when the +opportunity is gone. Judging by the reception I have met with to-day, +I am entitled to believe that it would have been the same about +Gluchow.'" + +I had begun to listen with the greatest interest, for now I saw +clearly what had led to the estrangement between Kromitzki and Aniela. +My aunt continued:-- + +"When I heard that I said: 'Now you see how little sincerity there +is in what you told me. At first you said that you proposed the +partnership in order that the family might derive the benefit of it, +in preference to strangers, and now it turns out that you want it for +your own sake.' He is not wanting in cleverness, and therefore replied +at once that in this kind of affairs the gain was on both sides, and +that naturally it was a matter of concern to him to have as much +capital at his disposition as he could get; for in this kind of +business the larger the basis it rested upon, the more certain the +profit. 'Besides that,' he said, 'taking Aniela without any money I +thought I might count upon the support of the family, at least in +a case like this, when the help would turn out a clear gain to the +family.' He was very cross, especially when I told him he had not +taken Aniela without anything, as it had always been my intention to +give her the life interest of a certain sum." + +"You told him that?" + +"Yes. I told him all that was uppermost in my mind. 'I love Aniela,' I +said, 'as if she were my own child; and for that very reason, to make +her safe, I will not leave her the principal, but a life interest. The +principal might be swallowed up in your speculations, which may turn +out God knows how; and an annual income will give Aniela the means +of a decent establishment. The principal,' I said, 'will go to your +children, if you have any, after Aniela's death; and that is all I +intend to do,--which of course does not exclude any smaller services I +may be able to render you.'" + +"And that ended the conversation?" + +"Almost. I saw he was very much upset. I fancy he was especially angry +because I promised a life interest to Aniela instead of a round sum +down, as it shows how little I trust him. When going away he said that +for the future he would look for partners among strangers, as he could +not meet with less good-will, and might find a better understanding of +business matters. I meekly accepted this reproach. Yesterday he went +for an excursion with the Belgians and came back discontented, I +suppose he tried it on with them and met with a disappointment. Do you +know what I think, Leon? His business is shaky, since he is so anxious +to get partners. And I may tell you that the thought troubles me; for +if such be the case common-sense tells us not to have anything to do +with his affairs; and yet the simplest family duty bids us to help +him, if only for Aniela's sake. That is one reason why I was so +anxious to talk it over with you." + +"His affairs are not in such a desperate state as you think, aunty." +And I told her what I had heard from Chwastowski, and guessed long ago +from Kromitzki's manner, namely, that he was in want and looking about +for capital. I added that it was mainly to inquire about the state of +his affairs that I had gone to Vienna. + +My aunt was delighted with my tactics and perspicacity; and walking up +and down the room according to her habit she muttered to herself, "He +is a genius in everything." She finally decided to leave everything in +my hands, and to act as I thought best. Upon this, she went below, and +I, after perusing yesterday's papers for half an hour, followed her. + +I found the whole company gathered round the breakfast table, and one +glance was sufficient to tell me that something unusual had taken +place. Aniela looked frightened, Pani Celina troubled, and my aunt was +flushed with anger. Only Kromitzki was quietly reading the paper, but +he looked cross, and his face was as yellow as if he had been ill. + +"Do you know," said my aunt, pointing at Aniela, "what news she has +brought me as a morning's greeting?" + +"No, what is it?" I said, sitting down at the table. + +"Nothing more nor less than that in two weeks, Celina's health +permitting, they are both going to Odessa or somewhere farther still." + +If a thunderbolt had fallen in the middle of the table, I could not +have been more startled. My heart sank within me. I looked at Aniela, +who had grown very red, as if caught in the act of committing a wrong +deed, and at last asked, "Where are they going? why?" + +"They give me a deal of trouble at Ploszow, you know," said my aunt, +imitating Aniela's voice. "They do not want to be a burden to me, the +charitable souls. They evidently think I yearn after solitude; and in +case you went away too, it would be ever so much better, more cheerful +for me, to be by myself in that big house. They have discussed this +all the night, instead of sleeping like other respectable people." + +My aunt waxed angrier still, and turning upon Kromitzki asked: "Did +you preside at that debate?" + +"Not at all," he replied; "I was never even consulted. But if my wife +has resolved to go, I suppose it is in order to be nearer me, for +which I ought to feel grateful." + +"There is nothing settled yet," remarked Aniela. + +I, forgetting all precautions, looked steadily at her, but she did not +lift her eyes; which convinced me all the more that I was the cause +of this sudden resolve. I cannot find words to express what I felt +at that moment, and what deadly bitterness suffused my heart. Aniela +knows perfectly that I live for her only, exist through her; that all +my thoughts belong to her, my actions have only her in view; that she +is to me an issue of life and death; and in spite of all that she +calmly decides to go away. Whether I should perish or beat my head +against the wall, she never so much as considered. She will be more at +ease when she ceases to see me writhing like a beetle stuck on a pin; +she will be no longer afraid of my kissing her feet furtively, or +startling that virtuous conscience. How can she hesitate when such +excellent peace can be got, at so small a price as cutting somebody's +throat! Thoughts like these spun across my brain by thousands. I felt +a bitter taste in my mouth. "You are virtuous," I said inwardly to +Aniela, "because you have no heart. If a dog attached himself to you +as I am attached, something would be due to him. You have never shown +me any indulgence, or any spark of pity; you have never confessed to +me any tender feeling, and you have taken from me what you could. +If you were able, you would deprive me of your presence +altogether,--although you had the certainty that if I could not see +you my eyes would perish forever. But I begin to understand you now, +begin to see that your inflexibility is so great because your heart is +so small. You are cold and unfeeling, and your virtue is nothing +but an enormous egoism, that wants above everything to be left +undisturbed, and for that peace is capable of sacrificing all else." + +During the whole time of breakfast I did not say a word. When alone +in my own room I held my head with both hands and with a weary, +over-wrought brain, began to think again of what had happened. My +thoughts were still very bitter. Women of narrow hearts often remain +unyielding through a certain philistinism of virtue. The first thing +with them is to keep their accounts in order, like any tradesman. They +fear love, as the grocer fears street-risings, war, riots, exalted +ideas, and audacious flights of fancy. Peace at any price, because +peace is good for business. Everything that rises above the rational +and commonplace standard of life is bad, and deserves the contempt of +reasonable beings. Virtue has its heights and precipices, but also its +level plains. + +I now struggled with the exceedingly painful question whether Aniela +did not belong to that kind of commonplace virtuous women, who want to +keep their accounts in order, and reject love because it reaches above +the ordinary standard of their hearts and minds. I searched in the +past for proofs. "Who knows," I said to myself, "whether her simple +ethical code is not resting upon such a foundation?" I had believed +her to be one of those exceptional natures, different from all other +women, inaccessible as the snowy heights of the Alps that without any +slope soar straight heavenward. And now this lofty nature considers it +the most proper thing that a husband in slippers should trample on +those snows. What does it all mean? Whenever thoughts like these crowd +my brain I feel as if I were on the brink of madness; such a rage +seizes me that if I could I would throw down, trample, and spit upon +the forces of life, reduce the whole world to chaos and obliterate its +existence. On my journey back from Vienna I was searching for some +unearthly abode where I might love Aniela even as Dante loved +Beatrice. I built it of the sufferings from which as from fire my love +had risen purified, of my renunciations and sacrifices, and thought +that in a superhuman, simply angelic way she would be mine, and feel +that she belonged to me. And now it came into my thoughts that it was +not worth while to speak about it, as she would not understand me; not +worth while leading her on to those heights, as she would not be able +to breathe there. She might agree, in her soul, that I should go on +loving her, go on suffering, since that flatters her vanity; but no +compact, no union the most spiritual, no mutual belonging even in +the Dantesque meaning,--to none of these will she agree, because she +understands only one belonging and one right, which is expressed in a +man's dressing-gown, and her soul cannot rise above the narrow, mean, +matrimonial, book-keeping spirit. + +I felt an overwhelming regret that I had not been in the wrecked +train. The regret was as much the result of physical exhaustion as +of Aniela's cruelty. I was tired, as one who has watched night after +night at the sick bed of a very dear friend, and to whom death appears +as a desired rest. And then I thought that if they had brought my +mangled remains to Gastein something would perhaps have stirred in +her. Thinking of this I suddenly remembered yesterday's Aniela, who +went with my aunt in search of me. I recalled to my mind the sudden +terror and the joy close upon it, those eyes full of tears, the +disordered hair; and love immeasurable, love a hundred times more real +than all my thoughts and reasonings took possession of me. It was +like a great convulsive motion of the heart, which almost at once +got buried in a wave of doubts. All I had noticed that day might be +explained upon quite different grounds. Who knows whether it was I +or my aunt who played the principal part in this emotion? Besides +impressionable women have always a store of sympathy at command, +even for the merest stranger. What more natural than that she should +exhibit some feeling when he who was threatened by some danger was a +relative? She would naturally be horrified at the thought of my death, +and rejoice at seeing me alive. If, instead of her, Pani +Sniatynska had been staying with my aunt, she too would have been +terror-stricken, and I should have seen her without her gloves, and +her hair in disorder. No, in regard to that I cannot delude myself any +longer. Aniela knew very well that her departure would be to me a more +dangerous catastrophe than a wound on my head or the loss of an arm or +leg; and yet she did not hesitate a moment. I was perfectly aware that +it was all her doing. She wanted to be near her husband, and what +would become of me was not taken into account. + +Again I felt myself growing pale with anger, hatred, and indignation, +and only one step removed from madness. "Stop a little," I said to +myself, pressing both hands against my temples; "perhaps she is +seeking safety in flight because she loves you, and feels she cannot +resist any longer." Ah me! and these thoughts sprung up, but they did +not find any congenial soil and perished like the seed sown on a rock; +they only roused a bitter, despairing irony. "Yes," something said +within me, "hers is a love resembling the compassion which makes +people remove the pillow from under the dying man's head, to shorten +his agony. I shall not suffer much longer, and Kromitzki will be able +to see her often and bring her such comfort as a wife expects from her +husband." + +Aniela at that moment was hateful to me. For the first time in my +life I wished she really loved Kromitzki; she would have been less +repugnant to me. Anger and resentment almost deprived me of my senses, +and I saw clearly that if I did not do something, revenge myself upon +her in some way, something terrible would happen to me. I jumped up, +and under the influence of that thought, as if touched by a red-hot +iron, I took my hat and went forth in search of Kromitzki. I did +not find him either in the house or in the garden. I went to the +Wandelbahn, then to the reading-rooms; he was in neither of the two +places. I stopped for a moment on the bridge near the Cascades, +thinking what to do next. The wind coming from that direction blew a +cloud of spray into my face. This caused me a pleasant sensation and +relieved the tension of my nerves. I bared my head and exposed it to +the spray until my hair was quite wet. I felt a purely animal delight +in the coolness. I had regained all my self-possession. There remained +now only the distinct and decided wish to thwart Aniela. I said to +her, "You shall not be allowed to go away, and henceforth I will treat +you as a man who has paid for you with his money." I saw the way clear +before me, and was not afraid of making any mistakes in dealing with +Kromitzki. I found him outside Straubinger's hotel reading the paper. +When he saw me he dropped his eyeglass and said:-- + +"I was just thinking of going to look for you." + +"Let us go on the Kaiserweg." + +And we went. Not waiting for him to begin, I plunged at once into the +subject. + +"My aunt told me about your conversation with her yesterday," I said. + +"I am very sorry it took place at all," replied Kromitzki. + +"As far as I can judge, you were both not as calm as one ought to be +in treating affairs of that kind. My dear fellow, I will be open with +you, and tell you at once that you do not know my aunt. She is the +dearest woman in the world, but she has one weakness. Possessed of a +great deal of common-sense and shrewdness, she likes to assert them; +therefore any new scheme or proposition is met by her with a certain +almost exaggerated suspicion. For that reason she invariably refuses +at first to have anything to do with it. Chwastowski, her manager, +might tell you something about that. In dealing with her it is always +best to suggest a thing and leave her time to digest it; and besides, +you rubbed her the wrong way, and that makes her always more +determined; a pity you could not have avoided that." + +"But how could I have irritated her? If anybody it is I who should be +able to discuss matters of this kind." + +"You made a mistake in saying that you had married Aniela without a +dowry; she is still very angry about that." + +"I said it when she threw the sale of Gluchow in my teeth. Besides I +only spoke the truth; Gluchow was so encumbered that next to nothing +really belonged to Aniela." + +"Plainly speaking, what induced you to sell that unfortunate estate?" + +"Because by doing so I was able to do a good turn to somebody upon +whom my future career depends to a great extent; besides, he paid more +than I could have got from anybody else." + +"Well, let that pass. My aunt felt all the more hurt as she has some +intentions in regard to Aniela." + +"Yes, I know. She is going to leave her a yearly income." + +"Between ourselves, I tell you that she thinks of no such thing. I +know she spoke to you about a life interest, because she was angry and +wanted to let you feel that she mistrusted your business capacities. I +as her heir ought to know something about her intentions, especially +as she does nothing without consulting me." + +Kromitzki looked at me keenly. "Anything she is doing for Aniela," he +said, "would be against your interest as the heir." + +"Yes, that is so; but I do not spend even my income, consequently I +can speak about it quite calmly. If you cannot explain it any other +way, consider it as a whim of mine. There are such people in the +world. I may tell you that I do not intend to put any limit to my +aunt's generosity, and also that she intends to give Aniela, not the +life interest she spoke about, but the capital. Of course my influence +might turn the scale either way, but I do not intend to exert it +against you." + +Kromitzki squeezed my hand with effusion, and his shoulders moved +exactly like those of a wooden manikin. How repulsive the man is to +me! I suppose he considered me more of a fool than an oddity; but he +believed me, and that was all I wanted. He is quite right as to that, +for I was decided that Aniela should have the capital instead of only +a life interest. I saw that he was consumed with curiosity to know how +much and when; but he understood that it would not do to show his +hand so openly, and therefore remained silent as if from emotion. I +continued:-- + +"You must remember one thing, my aunt wants careful handling. I know +for certain that she means to provide for Aniela; but it all depends +on her will, and even her humor. In the mean while, what is it you +both are doing? Yesterday you made her angry, and to-day Aniela +vexed her still more. As the future heir I ought to rejoice at your +blunders, and not warn you, and yet you see I am doing the opposite. +My aunt was deeply hurt by Aniela's plan, and in her anger turned upon +you, hoping, I fancy, that you would take her side; but you, on the +contrary, supported them!" + +"My dear fellow," said Kromitzki, squeezing my hand again, "I will +tell you openly that I agreed to their plan because I was vexed with +your aunt, and that is the top and bottom of it. There is no sense in +it at all. I cannot stand exaltation, and both these women are full of +it. They always seem to think they ought not to take advantage of your +aunt's hospitality, that they cannot always remain at Ploszow, and so +on, _ad infinitum_. I am heartily sick of it. In the mean while it is +this way: I cannot take them with me to Turkestan, and when I am there +it is all the same to me whether they are at Odessa or at Warsaw. When +I wind up my affairs, with a more than considerable fortune, I hope I +shall give them, of course, an adequate home. That will take place in +a year at the latest. The sale of the business itself will bring in a +considerable sum. If they were not at Ploszow, I should have to look +out for some other place; but since your aunt offers her house and is +pleased to have them, it would be folly not to accept the offer. My +mother-in-law has only just recovered from her illness. Who knows what +might happen in the future? and if things went wrong, Aniela, young +and inexperienced as she is, would be alone with all these troubles. +I simply cannot remain with them; even now I am in a fever to be off, +and only delayed my departure in the hope that I might persuade you or +your aunt into a partnership. Now I have told you all that is in my +mind; and it is your turn to tell me whether I may count upon your +good-will." + +I breathed again. Aniela's scheme was reduced to nothing. I was +delighted because I had got what I wanted. Although my love for Aniela +was akin to deep hatred, it was all I had to live for, and it wanted +food; and this it would get only from Aniela's presence. From +Kromitzki's words I concluded that by one stroke I could gain the most +wished for end,--Kromitzki's departure for an almost unlimited time. +I remained impassive, and thought it more advisable to show myself a +little reluctant. + +"I cannot," I said, "give you any promise beforehand. Tell me first +exactly how you stand." + +He began to talk, and talked with great volubility, showing that once +embarked upon this theme, he felt himself in his proper element. Now +and then he paused to buttonhole me or press me against the rocks. +When he had said something he thought very convincing, he swiftly +screwed his eyeglass into his eye and scrutinized my face to see what +impression he had made upon me. This, added to his voice, which was +like the sound of creaking hinges, and the reiteration of his "what, +what," was very trying to my nerves, but I must render him justice; he +did not try to deceive me. He told me substantially the same things +that I had heard from Chwastowski. The affair stood thus: Great +capital had already been invested in material, the purveying of which +was solely in Kromitzki's hands. The danger of the business consisted +in the fact that the capital already sunk came back to him only after +passing through various official forms, therefore very slowly; and +also in the fact that Kromitzki had to deal with purveyors whose +interest it was to supply him with the very worst materials, for which +he was held responsible. This last point put him more or less at the +mercy of the agency, which besides had the most complete right to +accept only good material. Who knows what complications might arise +from that? After having listened to his statement, which lasted an +hour, I replied:-- + +"My good fellow, considering all you have told me, neither my aunt nor +I can have anything to do with the partnership." + +His countenance fell, and he turned very yellow. "Tell me why," he +said. + +"If you, in spite of cautiousness and care, are in danger of lawsuits, +we will not be mixed up in your affairs." + +"Looking at things in that way, nobody would embark in any business at +all." + +"There is no necessity for us to do so. But supposing we entered into +any partnership, how much would you want us to put into the business?" + +"It is of no use to speak of that now; but if you could have come into +it, let us say with seventy-five thousand roubles--" + +"No, we will not put anything into the business; we do not think it +advisable to do so. But as you are connected with our family, we +will help you in another way. In brief, I will lend you the sum you +mentioned upon a note of hand." + +Kromitzki stopped, looked at me, and blinked as one who is not fully +awake. But this lasted only a moment. He evidently thought it would +not be wise to show too great a delight,--a mercantile caution not at +all necessary, and ridiculous under present circumstances. He only +pressed my hand and said: "Thank you,--at what rate of interest?" + +"We will talk of that later on. I must go back now and talk with my +aunt." + +I said good-by at once. On the way I reflected whether Kromitzki would +not think my acting thus a little curious and open to suspicion. But +it was a vain fear. Husbands are proverbially blind, not because they +love and trust their wives, but because they love themselves. Besides, +Kromitzki, looking at us from his business point of view, considers +me and my aunt as two fantastic beings, who, with little knowledge of +practical matters, stick to antiquated notions about family ties +and duties. He is, indeed, in many respects of such an altogether +different type from us, that we cannot help looking upon him as an +intruder. + +When I came back to the villa I saw Aniela at the gate buying wild +strawberries from a peasant woman. Passing close by, I said roughly, +"You will not go away, because I do not wish it," and then went up +into my room. + +During dinner the conversation again turned upon the departure of the +ladies. This time Kromitzki spoke up and treated the whole thing as a +childish whim, to be laughed at by sensible people. He was not very +considerate either to his wife or his mother-in-law, but then his +nature is not a refined one. I did not say anything,--as if the +question of their going or staying mattered very little to me. But I +noticed that Aniela was conscious that her husband acted as a +mere puppet in my hands, and she felt ashamed for him and deeply +humiliated; but such was the resentment I had towards her that the +sight of it did me good. + +For in truth I was deeply wounded, and I cannot forgive Aniela. If, on +the way from Vienna, I had not thought so much of that new compact, if +I had not made a wholesale sacrifice of all my desires, passions, +and senses, in fact of my whole nature, I should not have felt the +disappointment so acutely. But it fell out so cruelly that, when, out +of love for her, I was ready to change my whole being, when I climbed +to a height I had never reached before, only to be near her, she, +without any consideration or pity for me, wished to push me into the +very depth of despair and without considering for a moment what would +become of me! These thoughts poison even the pleasure afforded by +Kroimitzki's departure. + +The future will bring some kind of solution, but I am too tired to +speculate upon it. The simplest solution would be inflammation of the +brain. It will come to that. I torment myself all the day, do not +sleep at night, smoke endless cigars to stupefy myself, and sit up +till daylight. + + +30 July. + +I have not written in my diary for two weeks. I went; with Kromitzki +to Vienna to conclude his business; after which he remained three days +and then left for the East. I had such violent headaches that I could +not write. Pani Celina's cure is completed, but we still remain at +Gastein because of the great heat. + +Kromitzki's departure was a great relief to me, to Pani Celina,--whom +he irritates to such a degree that if he were not her son-in-law she +could not stand him at all,--and perhaps also to Aniela. The latter +cannot forgive him that he involved me in his affairs. He, not +supposing there could be anything between me and his wife except +social relations, made no secret of the loan. She opposed it +energetically, but could not tell him the reason,--perhaps from a +secret fear that after an explanation he might compel her to remain +where she is, and thus destroy the last shred of respect she has for +him. I am almost sure that since the sale of Gluchow, both she and her +mother distrust him, and in the secrecy of their hearts consider him +worse than he really is. In my opinion he is a spiritual upstart, with +a dry and wooden disposition, and incapable of any fine feeling or +subtle thought. There is no generosity in him; his mind is neither +deep, noble, nor sensitive; but in the general acceptance of the word +he is a decent member of society. A certain natural pedantry aids +him in this, which harmonizes with his money-making neurosis,--a +degenerated imaginativeness seeking expression in financial adventure. +Taking him all in all, he is so intensely repulsive to me--with his +eyeglass, oblique eyes, long legs, and sallow, hairless face--that I +doubt if I am capable of judging him objectively. Nevertheless I am +quite sure that unless he loses his own money I shall not lose mine. +But I put it down, in all sincerity, that I would rather he lost the +money, his senses, his life, and went altogether to perdition. + +I am ill. I have seen very little of Aniela lately,--partly by reason +of my headaches, that kept me confined to my room, and partly because +I wished to let her feel how deeply she had injured and grieved me. +Not to see her cost me great self-denial, for my eyes want her as +they want the light. I have already mentioned that with all her +inflexibility, she has a certain weakness: she cannot bear that +anybody should be angry with her; it frightens her, and she tries +her best to conciliate those that are angry. She is then meek, sweet +tempered, and looks into one's eyes with the pleading expression of a +child who is afraid to be punished. This always moved me deeply and +was my delight, as it kept up the delusion that I had only to open my +arms and she would fall upon my neck, if only to soften my resentment. +I cannot get rid altogether of this delusion, although convinced of +its futility; and even now I cherish some hope in a corner of my +heart that when we come to make it up, something will happen between +us,--she will make a kind of submission and will draw closer to me. On +the other hand I see in this mutual irritation a tacit acknowledgment +on the part of Aniela that I have the right to love her; for if she +admits the resentment springing from love, she must admit the love +itself. It is a shadowy right, dim and vague as a dream, without shape +or substance; yet I cling to it, for it saves me from utter apathy and +hopelessness. + + +2 August. + +I have received another letter from Clara Hilst. She must have divined +something; there is much pity and sympathy in her words, as if she +knew how wretched I am. I do not know and do not want to know, whether +she loves me as a sister or otherwise, I only feel that she loves me. +I answered her letter in the same hearty spirit, grateful for her +friendliness. She is going to Berlin now, and promises her appearance +in Warsaw for the winter. She wants me to come to Berlin, if only for +a few days. I will not go to Berlin, will not part from my troubles, +but shall be glad to see her again at Warsaw. With Aniela I speak only +of indifferent subjects, so as not to draw the attention of the elder +ladies to the state of things between us. When alone we are both +silent. I noticed several times that she was about to say something, +but seemed afraid; as regards myself I could only say, "I love you;" +and even that seems inadequate to express my feelings. + +There is now resentment in my love. The thought is troubling my mind +that she has a narrow heart, and that in this lies the secret of her +unyieldingness. To-day, when I come to think it over more calmly, I go +back to the conviction that she has some feeling for me, composed of +gratitude, pity, and memories of the past; but it has no active power, +cannot rise above prejudice,--even to the avowal of its existence. +It does not respect itself, hides, is ashamed of itself, and in +comparison with mine is as the mustard-seed to those Alps which +surround us. From Aniela one may expect that she will restrict it +rather than let it grow. It is of no use to hope or watch for anything +from her; that conviction makes me very wretched. + + +4 August. + +Some time ago I had a faint hope that under the influence of +indignation against her husband, Aniela might come to me and say: +"Since you have paid for me, I am yours." Another of my delusions. Any +other woman, with exalted notions fed upon French novels, might have +acted thus; or one who wanted only a pretext to throw herself into a +lover's arms. No; Aniela will never do that, and if such a thought +came into my mind at all it is because I too have been fed upon those +pseudo-dramas of the feminine soul, which at bottom illustrate only +the desire to cast virtue adrift. There is but one thing which would +push Aniela into my arms, and that is her heart; but no artificial +scenes, no phrases or false pathos. There is not the slightest +possibility of her yielding to these. + +If it be a great misfortune to love another man's wife, be she ever so +commonplace, it is an infinitely greater misfortune to love a virtuous +woman. There is something in my relations to Aniela of which I never +heard or read; there is no getting out of it, no end. A solution, +whether it be a calamity or the fulfilment of desire, is something, +but this is only an enchanted circle. If she remain immovable and I do +not cease loving her, it will be an everlasting torment, and nothing +else. And I have the despairing conviction that neither of us will +give way. + +If she has a narrow heart it will not trouble her very much. As to +myself I desire nothing more ardently than to get free from bondage; +but I cannot get free. I say to myself, over and over again, that it +must be done; and I put forth all my strength, as the drowning man +does to save himself. At times I fancy that I have achieved some kind +of victory, when lo! I see her passing under my window, my eyes rest +upon her, and I experience a shock in my heart; the whole depth of +my feeling is revealed, as the flash of lightning tears asunder the +clouds and shows the depth of the sky. Ah me! what torture to have to +deal with virtue, cold and merciless as the letter of the law! Even if +Aniela had no heart I should still love her, as a mother would love a +child though it were deformed. Pity then grows all the stronger,--and +so does pain. + + +5 August. + +What an inadequate, mean standard is human intellect when it comes to +measure anything great, awesome, or very lofty. Reason, which serves +well enough in the everyday conditions of life, becomes a drivelling +fool, like Polonius, in exceptional cases. It seems to me that the +usual ethical code cannot be considered a standard by which to measure +great passions. To see in an immense feeling like mine only the +infringement of this or that law, not to see anything else, not to see +that it is an element and part of those higher forces that mock at +empty rules, a godlike, immeasurable, creative power on which rests +the All-Life, is a kind of blindness and littleness. Alas, Aniela thus +looks upon my love! I suppose she often thinks I must respect her for +her conduct; while I--God knows, I do not say it because it concerns +my own fate, but judging her quite impartially--despise her, or at +least try not to despise her for it, and say to her inwardly: "I +should respect you and worship you a thousandfold if you could look +upon the matter differently, not as regards our relations, but as +regards love in general." + + +6 August. + +There is something in Gastein very health-giving. To-day I noticed +that Aniela has gained quite a brown color from the mountain air, and +looks very well; which is all the more noteworthy, as she has had many +troubles and anxieties. One of her troubles was the difference arising +between her and her husband, the humiliation of his accepting a loan +from me, and my love, which distracts her mind and troubles her peace. +Notwithstanding all this, the delicate face is glowing with health. +There is more color in it than before we came here. I recall the +time when she seemed almost to fade away in my eyes. I remember how +horrified I was at the thought that her life might be in danger. +To-day that fear at least has ceased to haunt me. If I knew that in +the future there would be even less pity for me, that my feelings for +her would count for nothing, but that she would be happy and full +of health, I should say: "Let her be pitiless, let her slight my +feelings, provided she be well." In the composition of true feeling, +there is the desire for personal happiness, but there is also tender +thoughtfulness and affection. + +Yesterday Aniela had donned one of her old dresses. I noticed it +at once, and the whole past stood before me. God only knows what a +turmoil there was within me. + + +7 August. + +My aunt has forgiven Aniela long ago. She loves her so much that if +I died she would still have somebody to cling to, provided Aniela +remained. To-day the dear old aunt was lamenting that Aniela had no +amusements, was sitting too much in the house and had seen nothing of +the beautiful scenery around except the road to Hofgastein. "If I were +only stronger on my feet I would go with you everywhere; your +husband ought to have shown you something of the country, and he was +continually tramping about by himself." + +Aniela assured her that she was quite satisfied, and did not want more +exercise. + +"I have nothing to do," said I, in the most careless manner, "and walk +a great deal. I can accompany Aniela wherever she wants to go, +and show her all that is worth seeing,--at least in the nearest +neighborhood." Then I added, in a still more indifferent voice: "It +is considered quite the proper thing. In a place like this mere +acquaintances walk out together, not to say anything about near +relations." + +Aniela did not say anything, but both the elder ladies were unanimous +in their opinion that I was right. To-morrow we are to go to the +Schreckbrücke. + + +8 August. + +We have entered into our compact, and henceforth a new life is to +begin for us both. It is not quite the same as I had shaped it, but +my future life must adapt itself to it. From now, everything will be +clear and definite between us. There will be nothing new, nothing to +be expected or looked out for, but at any rate I shall not be any +longer like a man who has no roof to shelter him. + + +9 August. + +Yesterday towards evening we went to the Schreckbrücke. The elder +ladies accompanied us as far as the Cascades; there they sat down on +the first bench they found, and we two went on alone. We both seemed +to feel that some serious conversation would take place. At first I +wanted to point out to her various places and tell her the names, but +had scarcely mentioned Schareck when it struck me as so incongruous +with the thoughts nearest our hearts that I grew silent. We could talk +only about our two selves, or else remain silent. And we walked on in +silence for a long time; this silence besides was necessary for me, +and gave me time to conquer that restlessness which seizes us when +we approach a great crisis. I got myself so far under control that I +resolved to speak of my love, with calmness and naturally, as if it +were a known and established fact. Experience had taught me that women +can be attuned to any disposition. Nothing influences the feminine +mind so much as the tone of conversation; and if the man in making a +proposal does it with the air of one who expects the earth to swallow +him as soon as he has uttered the words, that is, in terror and the +consciousness that he is doing something quite unheard of, that terror +and that consciousness communicate themselves very quickly to the +woman. Acting in the opposite way, the proposal loses much of its +impressiveness, but it goes smoother and creates less opposition. +Besides, I had already told her of my love; all I wanted now was to +prevent Aniela from going off at a tangent at the first tender word; +in that case conversation would become impossible. It was necessary to +introduce the subject in order to establish our future relations on a +proper basis. Considering all this, I said in a very quiet voice:-- + +"You cannot have the slightest idea how deeply you hurt me by that +project of your departure. I know very well that the reasons you +gave were only ostensible, and that I was the cause of that sudden +resolution. In making your plans you forgot only one thing, and that +is what would become of me. That did not enter into your calculation +at all. Believe me, it was not your departure which would have hurt +me, so much as the thought that I count for nothing in your life. You +might say that you meant it for the best and wanted me to forget you. +Do not try that, for the remedy would be worse than you suppose." + +Aniela's face in an instant was covered with burning blushes. It was +evident that my words had touched her to the quick. I do not know what +she would have said, on the spur of the moment, had not an accident +diverted her attention. Close to the road, there suddenly appeared one +of those cretins so common about Gastein. He was not a pleasant sight, +with that big head, immense goître, and bestial expression of face. He +had risen so suddenly from amid the tall grasses that Aniela screamed +with terror. While she recovered herself and searched for some +money--I had forgotten my purse--several minutes elapsed. During that +time the impression my words had made upon her had grown less +vivid, and as we resumed our walk she said, in a sad voice, full of +inexpressible sweetness:-- + +"You have often been unjust to me, but never more so than now. You +think that it costs me nothing, that I have no heart; and yet I am not +a whit happier than you." + +Her voice seemed to fail, and my pulses began to beat wildly. It +seemed to me that one more effort and I should force from her a +confession. + +"Aniela!" I exclaimed, "for God's sake tell me what you mean!" + +"I mean that since I am unhappy, you must allow me to remain honest. +Dear Leon, I beg you to have pity upon me. You do not know how unhappy +I am! I would sacrifice everything except my honesty. Do not ask me to +give up that last plank of salvation,--because it is not right, one is +not allowed to sacrifice that! Oh, Leon, Leon!" + +She folded her hands and looked at me with eyes veiled by tears, and +her body trembling like an aspen leaf. I do not know, if I had taken +her into my arms she might have died afterwards from shame and sorrow, +but probably she would not have found the strength to resist. But at +that moment I forgot about my own self and saw only her. I threw at +her feet my senses, my passions, and my egoism. What did it all matter +where she was concerned? The beloved woman that defends herself with +tears, tears that do not flow for the sake of keeping up appearances +but from the depth of her sorrow, is invincible. I took both her +hands, kissed them with reverent love, and said:-- + +"It will be as you wish; I swear it upon the love I bear you." + +We both could not speak for some time. To confess the truth, I felt at +this moment a better and nobler man than I had ever been before. I was +like one who has passed the crisis in a severe illness, is still very +weak and exhausted, but glad of the dawning life before him. Presently +I began to talk to her, quietly and gently, not only as a lover but as +the nearest friend, whose main object is the happiness of the being +that belongs to him. + +"You do not want to stray from the right path," I said; "and I will +not lead you astray. You have changed me, and all the sorrows and +sufferings I endure have made a different man of me. Through you I +have come to understand the difference between love and passion. I +cannot promise that I shall cease to love you, for I cannot; I should +lie to you and to myself if I should promise that. I do not say it in +temporary exaltation, but as a man who has looked into his inmost self +and knows what is delusion and what truth. I will love you as if you +were dead,--I will love your soul. Do you agree to that, Aniela dear? +It is a sad love, but angelic. You can accept and return it. I make +my vow of faithfulness this moment, and it is as binding as if it had +been uttered before the altar. I shall never marry another woman; I +shall live for you only, and my soul will be yours. You too will love +me as if I had died. I do not ask for anything else; and you will not +refuse, because there is no sin. You have read Dante? Remember, he too +was married, and he loved Beatrice with the same love I ask from you; +he openly acknowledged the feeling, and the Church holds his poem as +almost a sacred thing. If you have that feeling for me in your heart, +give me your hand, and after that nothing will be able to come between +us or to mar our peace." + +Aniela, after a momentary silence, gave me her hand. "I always had +that friendship for you." she said, "and I promise you from my heart +and soul." + +I winced at the word "friendship," which is too small for me, and does +not express our feelings. But I did not say anything. "The word 'love' +still frightens her," I said to myself; "she will get accustomed to it +by and by;" and since the thing is essentially the same, it was not +worth while to disturb the peace at which we had arrived through +stormy seas of misunderstandings, troubles, and sorrows. We are both +so tired that the rest is welcome and is worth making some little +sacrifices for. + +Besides, it was a mere shadow, that disappeared in the joyful light of +the thought that the dear being belongs to me and is spiritually my +faithful wife. I would have given anything if to a question "Are you +really mine?" she had answered in the affirmative. I would have asked +the question a hundred times a day and never tired of the answer; +but at this moment I did not want to frighten her. I, who can make +allowance for so many things, understand that there are certain words +which, however expressive of the existing state of things they may be, +come with difficulty from a woman's lips,--especially from those of +such a woman as Aniela. Yet every word she said was a confession that +she loves me; and did she not consent that our souls should belong to +each other? What more could I wish for? + +When we had gone as far as the Schreckbrücke, we turned back. On the +way we tried to look at our new position, as people look around a new +house and try to make themselves at home in it. This did not come easy +to either of us at first. Even this pleased me, for it seemed to me +that thus bride and bridegroom would feel a few hours after they were +joined in wedlock, while yet they had not had time to grow accustomed +to each other. Nevertheless I spoke a great deal about us both. I +explained to her the holiness and purity of such a union as ours. I +tried to inspire her with trust and confidence. She listened to +me with a bright, serene countenance, and now and then turned her +beautiful eyes towards me. The serenity of the weather corresponded +with the serenity of our souls. The sun had gone down behind the +mountains; and they shone now in their evening dress of purple. I +offered my arm to Aniela, which she accepted, and so we went together +in the soothing stillness of the evening. Suddenly I noticed that her +step had grown uncertain, as if she were afraid of something, and her +face became very white. It lasted only a minute, but her disturbance +was so evident that I got frightened for her, and began to ask what +had frightened her. + +At first she did not want to tell me, but when I insisted she +confessed reluctantly that the unfortunate cretin had come into her +mind, and that for an instant she had felt afraid he might suddenly +jump up from the roadside. + +"I do not know," she said, "why he should have made such a horrible +impression on me, and feel ashamed to have such silly nerves, but I +would not meet him again for anything in the world." + +I soothed and comforted her, saying that nothing could happen to her +while I was by. She still kept looking uneasily at the roadside, but +presently our conversation dispersed the unpleasant impression. + +It was dusk when we arrived at the Cascades, but the evening was +exceptionally warm. On the square before Straubinger's a great many +people were listening to some strolling harpists. I do not know why +this solitary mountain pass should have reminded me so strongly of +Italy. It recalled to my memory the evenings on the Pincio, when I +thought how happy I could be had I Aniela at my side. I now felt her +arm resting upon mine, and still more felt her soul close to my own. +And thus, full of sweet peacefulness, we returned home. + + +10 August. + +I thought to-day much about what Aniela had said to me on the way to +the Schreckbrücke. I was particularly struck by the exclamation which +burst from her lips: "You do not know how unhappy I am!" There was +such deep sorrow, such a wail in these words, and an involuntary +confession that she does not love her husband, cannot love him; and +also that her heart, in spite of all her efforts, belongs to me. If so +she has been as unhappy as I. I say "has been," because at present she +is not. Now she can say to herself: "I can remain true and keep my +faith; and for the rest, I trust to God." + + +11 August. + +It came into my mind that I had no right to expect Aniela to sacrifice +everything for me. It is not true that one sacrifices everything to +love. If, for instance, I had an encounter with Kromitzki and she +adjured me in the name of our love to ask his pardon on my bended +knees, I would not do it. It is a fantastic, senseless supposition, +yet at the very thought the blood mounts to my head. No, Aniela dear, +you are right; there are things we may not sacrifice even to love. + + +12 August. + +We went in the morning on the Windischgrätzhöhe. It is about three +quarters of an hour on foot, but I got a horse for Aniela, which I led +by the bridle. Walking at her side, I rested my hand on the horse's +neck and at the same time touched her dress. Mounting on the horse's +back, she held on to me for a moment and the old Adam woke up very +strong in me. To kill him, I should have to annihilate my body and +become a spirit. I bound myself to keep my senses and impulses under +control, and I am doing so; but I did not bind myself not to have +them. I might as well have bound myself not to breathe. If the touch +of Aniela's hand made no more impression upon me than if it were a +piece of wood it would prove that I did not love her any longer, and +then all pledges would be unnecessary. Saying to Aniela that my whole +nature had changed in contact with her, I did not intend to deceive +her, but had not exactly defined the change. The truth is I only keep +myself in check. I renounced complete happiness in order to secure a +part of it. I preferred to have Aniela in this way to not having her +at all, and I think that every one who knows the meaning of true love +will understand me easily. If the passions are dogs, as the poets say, +I have chained them up, will starve them into submission, but I cannot +prevent their straining at the chain or emitting an occasional howl. + +I know to what I have pledged myself, and shall keep to it; there is +nothing else to do. In the face of Aniela's firmness of purpose there +is no room for any agreeing or disagreeing. The fear that she may take +back what she has given is enough curb for me. I rather exaggerate my +caution and wariness, so as not to frighten away the bird which I call +"spiritual love," and she calls "friendship." That word, which in the +first moment was merely a prick, enough to make me wince, is gradually +growing into a sore. At the time it seemed to me not expressive +enough, and now it appears to me too cautious, too full of conditions. +How strange that characteristic of feminine nature, not to call things +by their name. Yet I explained distinctly to Aniela what I was asking +for, and she understood me fully; and nevertheless she called the +feeling "friendship," as if she wanted to veil herself with it before +me, before herself and God. + +Looking at it from another point, it is true that a feeling devoid of +all earthly substance may be called by any name. There is sadness and +bitterness in the thought. This caution, common to very pure-minded +women, is undoubtedly the outcome of their modesty, but it does not +permit them to be generous. I might go straight to Aniela and say +to her: "I have sacrificed to you one half of my existence, and you +grudgingly dole me out your words; is it right?" And I tell her so +inwardly with reproachful eyes. It is difficult to imagine love +without generosity, without a desire to make some sacrifices. + +To-day on Windischgrätzhöhe we conversed together like two beings +closely connected by the ties of love and friendship, but there was +nothing in our speech that brother and sister might not have said to +each other. If we had made such an excursion before we had entered +into our compact, I should undoubtedly have taken some advantage of +it, kissed her hands or feet or even tried, if only for a moment, to +take her in my arms; to-day I walked quietly at her side, like one +who is afraid of the slightest frown. Partly I restrained myself on +purpose, thinking that in this way I should win her confidence and +favor. By this silence I meant to say: "You will not be disappointed +in me; I will take rather less than I have a right to,--so as not to +break our compact." + +But one feels hurt all the same, when the sacrifice is accepted +promptly and cheerfully as soon as it is offered. Involuntarily one +says inwardly to the beloved woman: "Do not let yourself be outdone in +generosity." And I said so,--but in vain. + +What is the result? A certain disappointment for myself. I used to +think if such a compact existed between us, I should have perfect +liberty within its boundaries; should be able to say, "I love you" as +often as I liked, and hear the same from her lips; and that this +would compensate me for all my torments, for the whole time of my +suffering,--in short that I should be king in that restricted kingdom; +but now it appears that my horizon gets narrower than ever, and doubts +arise within me that might be compressed in the query: "What have you +gained?" I try to chase the thoughts away. I have gained something. I +have gained the sight of a bright and happy face; I have gained the +smile; I have gained the delight of seeing her limpid eyes look +fearlessly into mine. If I feel cramped and not quite at home in the +new house, the reason is that I have not got used to it. Besides, +formerly I was without a roof to shelter me; and if I cannot always +see clearly what I have gained, I know perfectly well that I have lost +nothing. I shall never forget that. + + +14 August. + +My aunt begins to talk about going home. She is pining after her +beloved Ploszow. I asked Aniela if she would like to go. She said she +would; therefore I too am anxious to return. Formerly I attached some +vague, undefined hope to a change of place. Now I expect nothing; but +at Ploszow there are so many pleasant memories that I shall be glad to +see the place again. + + +16 August. + +The days flow now very evenly. I think much and I rest. My thoughts +are often sad, at times not without bitterness, but my soul was so +weary that I find this restfulness very soothing. It makes me feel +conscious how much better off I am than I used to be. I am mostly +with Aniela; we read together, and then discuss what we have read. +Everything I say to her is only a definition, a development of love; +everything tends in that direction; but strange to say I notice that +now I never speak of it directly, as if that feminine objection to +calling things by their proper names had also infected me. I do not +know why this is so, but it is a fact. And it grieves me,--sometimes +grieves me very much; and it pleases me, because I see that Aniela is +pleased, and what is more, loves me for it. In order to cement the +union of our souls, I have begun to speak much about myself so as not +to have any secrets from her. I am reticent only about such things as +might offend her delicacy of feeling or the purity of her thoughts. +I tried to initiate her into the workings of a spirit undermined by +scepticism and the want of a basis in life. I told her openly that I +had nothing to live for except her; told her also what was going on +within me after her marriage, what shocks had passed through my heart +and brain since my return to Ploszow; I spoke of this all the more +eagerly, as it was like a series of confessions, as it all meant: +"I loved you then, as I love you now, beyond expression." She was +deceived as to the meaning of these confidences and listened to them +as if there had been no question about her, with emotion, sympathy, +and possibly unconscious delight. I saw tears gathering in her eyes, +her breast heaved as if her whole spiritual being went out to me with +open arms saying: "Come to me; you have suffered enough and deserve +some happiness." And I reply with my eyes: "I do not ask, do not +remind you of anything; I am altogether at your mercy." + +I made those confidences also for another reason, namely, to introduce +the habit of mutual confidence between us, and make her tell me what +was going on in her mind at the same time. But I could not manage +it. I tried to ask, but the words seemed to come from her with such +difficulty, there was such evident constraint and uneasiness, that I +left off asking. To be quite open with me, she would have to reveal +all she felt for me and what was her relation to her husband. I wanted +her to come to that; but her modesty and her loyalty for the absent +husband would not permit her to speak. + +I understood all perfectly, but I could not help feeling very sore, +and my pessimism says: "It is you who pay the score; you give +everything, without getting anything in return; you are deceived in +thinking her soul belongs to you; even that soul remains a blank to +you; then what do you possess?" + +I admit the truthfulness of the utterance, but still I count upon the +future. + + +17 August. + +I am often reminded of the poet Mickiewicz's words, "Alas! it was only +a half-salvation!" But even if I did not see in that half-salvation +all that is wanting, I could not arrive at perfect peace. This would +be achieved only by not desiring anything more, in other words by +ceasing to love. There come upon me, more and more, moments of +despondency when I say to myself that this is only another enchanted +circle. I found some relief from torments I could bear no longer, that +is true; but relief is not the same as the removal of the pain. When +the famished Arab sucks pebbles instead of drinking water, he does not +satisfy his thirst; he only deceives it. Query: Do I deceive my self? +There are again two persons within me: the spectator and the actor; +and the one criticises and mocks the other. The sceptic Ploszowski, +the Ploszowski who has no settled and unshakable belief in the +existence of a soul, in love with a soul, appears simply ridiculous to +that critical number two. What is, after all, my relation with Aniela? +Sometimes I see in it merely the product of a diseased imagination. I +am now indeed like the bird that drags one wing on the earth. I have +doomed to paralysis one half of my being, live only half a life, and +love with half a love. It is a vain enterprise. To separate desire +from love is as impossible as to separate thought from existence. +Even religious feelings, the most ideal of all feelings, manifest +themselves by words, by songs, by kneeling, and kissing of sacred +objects; and I would deprive the love for a woman of all embodiment, +sever all connection with the earth, and make it live upon earth in a +transmundane shape! Love is a natural tendency and desire. What did I +take away from it? The tendency and the desire. I might as well have +gone to Aniela, and said to her, "Since I love you above everything, I +pledge myself to love you no longer." + +There is some terrible mistake in this. I had truly lost my way in the +desert; no wonder that I saw a Fata Morgana. + + +18 August. + +Yesterday I felt oppressed and troubled by various thoughts. I could +not sleep. I left off plunging into the depths of pessimism, and +instead of that began to think of Aniela and call her image before my +eyes. This always soothes me. My imagination strained to the utmost +point brings her before me so lifelike that I fancy I could speak to +her. I recalled to memory the time I had met her first as a grown-up +girl. I saw the white, gauzy draperies studded with bunches of +violets, the bare shoulders, and the face a little too small but fresh +like a spring morning, and so original in the bold outline of the +eyebrows, the long lashes, and that soft down on either side of the +face. It seems to me as if I still heard her voice saying, "Do you not +recognize me, Leon?" I wrote at the time that her face appeared to me +like music translated into human features. There was in her at the +same time the charm of the maiden and the attraction of the woman. No +other woman ever fascinated me so strongly, and there must needs cross +my way a Circe-like Laura to lure me away from the one woman I could +love, almost my bride. + +Nobody feels more than I that the words, "The spell thou hast cast +upon me lasts forever," are not a mere poetic fancy, but bitter +reality. Besides love and desire, I have for her an immense liking, +the tenderness of affection, and am drawn to her with the irresistible +force of the magnet to iron. And it cannot be otherwise, for she is +still the same Aniela, and is not changed in the least. It is the same +face of a little girl, with the charm of a woman, the same look, the +same eyelashes, brows, shoulders, and supple waist. She has now one +more charm,--that of the lost Paradise. + +What a tremendous gulf between our relations in the past and those in +the present. When I think of the Aniela who was waiting, as for her +salvation, to hear from me the words, "Will you be mine?" I can +scarcely believe it to have been true. Reflecting upon that, I feel +like the ruined magnate who at one time scattered his wealth about, +dazzling the world by his splendor, and in later years lived upon +charity. + +That night, when I thought about Aniela and evoked her image before my +eyes, it suddenly occurred to me that we had no portrait of her, and +a strong desire seized me to have her likeness. I grasped at the idea +with enthusiasm, and it made me feel so happy that it finally drove +all sleep from my eyes. "I shall have you," I said; "I shall be able +to look at you at any time, kiss your hands, your eyes, your lips; and +you will not be able to prevent it." I began at once to think how it +might be done. I could not go and say to Aniela, "Have your portrait +painted, and I will defray the expenses;" but with my aunt I could +always do what I liked, and a hint will be enough to make her wish for +Aniela's portrait. At Ploszow she has a whole collection of family +portraits, which are her pride, and my desperation, as some of them +are truly hideous; but my aunt will not have them removed out of +sight. Considering her deep attachment to Aniela, I was sure she would +be delighted with the idea of adding her picture to the collection. As +far as she is concerned I consider the thing done; but now came the +question whom to intrust with the execution of the portrait. I thought +it would be impossible to induce the ladies to take Paris on their +way; there I should have the choice between the accuracy and +objectivism of Bonnat, the bold breadth of Carolus Duran, and the +inimitable sweetness of Chaplin. Shutting my eyes, I imagined how each +of them would acquit himself of the task, and I was pleased with the +fancy. But I saw it was impracticable; I foresaw that my aunt would +insist upon a Polish painter. I should have no objection to that, for +I remembered seeing at the Warsaw and Cracow exhibition portraits as +excellent as from the brush of any foreign painter. I was only afraid +of the delay. As regards fancies, and also in many other things, there +is something eminently feminine in my composition. When I plan a thing +I want to get it done at once. As we were in Germany, not very far +from Munich and Vienna, I began to choose among the German painters. +I fixed upon two names: Lembach and Angeli. I had seen some fine +portraits by Lembach, but only men's; besides, I did not like his +self-assurance and sketchiness, which, as I am fond of French +painting, I can endure only from a Frenchman. Angeli's faces did not +altogether satisfy me, but I had to admit his delicacy of touch; and +that is just the thing wanted for Aniela's face. Besides, in order to +get Lembach we should have to go out of our way, and Angeli is on the +way,--a circumstance one is ashamed to confess, not wanting to be +regarded as a Philistine. But in this case I wanted to save time. "The +dead ride quick," as the poet says; but lovers ride quicker still. +Besides I should have chosen Angeli in any case, and finally decided +that he should paint Aniela's portrait. As a rule, I do not approve +of portraits in ball dress, but I resolved to have Aniela in a white +dress with violets. I want to have the delusion in looking at her that +she is the Aniela of the never-to-be-forgotten times. I do not want +anything to remind me that she is Pani Kromitzka. And besides, the +dress is dear to me as a memory. + +I thought the night would never end, so impatient was I to speak +about it to my aunt. I changed my plan though, for if my aunt had the +portrait painted, she would insist upon a Polish painter. I decided +instead to offer Aniela's likeness to my aunt on her name's-day, which +is towards the end of October. Put in this way, Aniela cannot refuse. +Of course I shall have a copy for myself. + +I scarcely slept at all, but look upon it as a satisfactory night, as +all the hours were occupied with these plans. I dozed a little towards +five, but was up and dressed at the stroke of eight. I went to +Straubinger's and sent a telegram to the Vienna Künstlerhaus +inquiring whether Angeli was at home, then returned to the villa +and found the ladies at the breakfast-table. I opened fire at once. +"Aniela," I said, "I have come to confess my guilt in regard to you. +Last night instead of sleeping I have disposed of your person, and it +now remains to be seen whether you will consent." + +She looked at me with half-frightened eyes. Perhaps she fancied I was +going mad, or that in a fit of despair I had made up my mind to blurt +out the truth before the elder ladies; but seeing my calmness she +asked:-- + +"How have you disposed of me?" + +"I wanted it to be a surprise for you, dear aunt, but I do not see +how it could be done in secret, and so I must tell you what present I +intend to give you for your name's-day;" and I told them what I had in +my mind. My aunt, who has an excellent portrait of me, painted some +years ago, was greatly delighted, and thanked me warmly. I saw that +Aniela was not less pleased, and that was enough for me. There and +then a lively discussion sprung up as to when and by whom the portrait +was to be painted, and the question of dress, so dear to the feminine +heart, had to be gone into with all details. I had a ready answer for +all questions and saw my chance of getting something else besides the +picture. + +"It will not take much time," I said. "I have sent a telegram to +Angeli, and I do not think it will delay our journey much. Aniela will +give Angeli five or six sittings, and as you would have to stop at +Vienna in any case to see Notnagel, there is no loss of time. The +dress can be painted from a model, and the face will be finished in +five sittings. But we must send at once Aniela's photograph and a lock +of her hair. The hair I must have at once. Then Angeli will be able to +make the rough sketch, and later on put in the finishing touches." +I counted upon the fact that none of the ladies knew much about +portrait-painting. I wanted the hair for myself, not for Angeli, to +whom it would have been of use only if he painted Aniela's portrait +from a photograph, to which he would not have consented. But I spoke +as if the whole portrait depended on that lock of hair. Two hours +after breakfast I received an answer to my telegram. Angeli is in +Vienna, where he is just finishing the portrait of the Princess M. I +wrote to him at once and sent him Aniela's photograph; then went out +to Aniela, who was walking in the garden. + +"And your hair?" I said; "I want to send the letter by the two-o'clock +post." + +She went at once into her room, and shortly afterwards returned with +a lock of hair. My hand shook a little as I took it from her, but my +eyes looked straight into hers and said in that glance:-- + +"Do you not guess that I want it for myself, that it will be for me +the most precious treasure?" + +Aniela did not say anything, but blushed like a girl who listens for +the first time to words of love. She had guessed it. I thought that +for one touch of those lips it would be worth while giving one's life. +My love for her becomes so strong at times that it is akin to pain. + +I have now a small part of her physical being. I got it by cunning. I +the man of the world, the sceptic, I who enter into myself and analyze +every thought, have come to practise little tricks and devices, +like Goethe's Siebel. But I say to myself, "At the worst I am only +sentimental and ridiculous." Who knows whether the second self that +reduces everything to consciousness with cold criticism is not more +foolish and more ridiculous? Analysis is like the pulling to pieces of +a flower. It spoils the beauty of life, therefore, its happiness--the +only sensible thing in life. + + +22 August. + +After the completion of Pani Celina's cure we waited for weeks till +the heat in the plains should have grown less intense, and at last the +weather broke and again delayed our journey. There has been an almost +Egyptian darkness for three days. The clouds which have been gathering +on the summits, breeding snow and rain, have descended from the +heights and enveloped Gastein as in a wet blanket. There is such a +mist that in the middle of the day I have to pick my way carefully +from Straubinger's to our villa. Everything is wrapped in a thick +veil,--the houses, the trees, the mountains, and cascades. The shapes +of things dissolve and disappear in the moist clouds that weigh upon +everything, and also upon the human mind. We light the lamps at two +o'clock in the afternoon. The ladies have finished packing, and we +should have gone in spite of the mist, but the road is torn up by the +mountain torrents beyond Hofgastein. Pani Celina again suffers from +headaches, and my aunt, after receiving a letter from Chwastowski +about the harvest, walks with heavy steps about the room, talking to +herself and scolding Chwastowski. Aniela looked pale and out of sorts +in the morning. She had a bad night and dreamed about the cretin she +had seen near the Schreckbrücke. She woke up, and could not go to +sleep again; she spent the rest of the night in nervous terror. It is +very strange what an impression the wretched cripple has made upon +her. I tried by cheerful conversation to make her forget about the +incident, in which I succeeded. Since our compact on the Schreckbrücke +she is without comparison brighter, more cheerful, and happier. + +As regards myself, seeing Aniela thus contented, I cannot find it in +my heart to complain, though it often occurs to me that our relation +is mainly based upon there being no relation at all. When I entered +into the compact I knew what I was doing and what shape our feeling +would take; but now that shape seems to be getting more intangible and +undefined, and wrapped up in a mist like that which enfolds Gastein. I +have a presentiment that Aniela will not grant me what is due to +me, and I dare not remind her about anything. I dare not, because a +struggle is too exhausting, especially a struggle for the woman we +love. I have been engaged in this struggle half a year and not gained +anything; and I feel so weary that I prefer the truce, such as it is, +to a renewal of my former warfare. There is also another reason. If +this state of things does not exactly answer to my expectations, it +pleases and conciliates Aniela. She fancies I love her in a nobler +way, therefore she appreciates, I dare not say loves, me more and +more. In spite of the absence of all outward signs, I see it and it +gives me courage; I say to myself, "If her feeling increases, only +persevere, and a time may come when it will be stronger than her power +of resistance." + +People generally, and women especially, fancy that the so-called +Platonic love is a peculiar species of love, very rare and very noble. +It is simply a confusion of ideas. There may be such a thing as +Platonic relations, but Platonic love is as much nonsense as dark +light. Even love for the dead consists of a longing after their bodily +presence as well as their souls. Among the living this feeling is +called resignation. + +I did not want to say an untruth when I told Aniela I would love her +as if she were dead; but resignation does not exclude all hope. In +spite of all my disappointments, in spite of the consciousness that my +hopes are vain, I still nourish in a corner of my heart the hope that +the present state of affairs is only a halting-place on the way +to love. I may repeat to myself over and over again, "Delusion! +delusion!" but I cannot get rid of it until I get rid of my desire. +They are inseparable. I agreed to the compact because I could not help +myself, because I preferred this to nothing at all; but I consider it, +almost unconsciously, as a diplomatic move which aims at complete, not +half happiness. What makes me nevertheless thoughtful, surprises, and +grieves me, and what I simply cannot understand, is that on this line +even I am defeated. My victories lie in the dim, far-off future; but +in the present, in spite of all my cunning, experience of life, strong +feelings, and diplomacy, I am defeated by a being infinitely more +simple than I, less skilled in life's tactics, less cautious and +calculating in the course she takes. It is a defeat; there is no other +word for it. What is our present relation? Nothing more than the +relation of brother and sister, which she wished for and which I did +not wish. Formerly I fought with the storm and often came to grief, +but I steered my own bark. Now Aniela steers for us both; we go more +smoothly and more evenly, but I feel I am going where I did not wish +to go. I now understand why she put out her hand at once, when I +mentioned Dante's love for Beatrice. She wanted to lead me. Has she +calculated everything beforehand more carefully and profoundly than I? +No; I do not know anybody less capable of any calculation, therefore +I cannot admit the idea; yet I cannot get rid of the consciousness, +bordering upon the mystical, that some one has calculated it for her. + +It is all very strange, and the strangest thing of all is that I +forged the fetters which bind me; I myself contrived to bring about +a relation so foreign to my nature, my views, and my most ardent +desires. If somebody had foretold to me, before I knew Aniela, that +I should hit upon such devices, it would have made me laugh at the +prophet and at myself. I, and Platonic relations! Even now I feel +sometimes inclined to laugh and jeer at myself. But I cannot; it is +sheer misery that has brought me to that pass. + + +23 August. + +We leave here to-morrow. The sky is clearing up and there is a +westerly breeze that promises fine weather. The mist has gathered into +long, whitish billows, that hang on the mountain sides, and like +huge leviathans are slowly rolling down. I went with Aniela on the +Kaiserweg. This morning the question arose in my mind what would +happen if the existing state of things ceased to satisfy Aniela. I +have no right to overstep the boundary, and I am afraid to do so; +suppose she too thought the same? Her innate modesty and shyness in +themselves would prove an almost insurmountable barrier; and if, added +to that, she thought the mutual agreement as binding for her as for +me, we should never come to an understanding; we should suffer in +vain. + +Reflecting upon this, I understood the futility of such fears. She, to +whom even that Platonic relation appears too broad, who consciously or +unconsciously restricts, and does not even grant me what is due to me +within these limits, should be the first to acknowledge any greater +rights. And yet the human soul, even if in hell, will never lose hope +altogether. In spite of the self-evident impossibility, I resolved to +make myself safe by giving Aniela to understand that if I considered +the agreement as binding, it was not the same with her. + +I wanted to say many other things, especially that she was doing me a +great wrong, and that my soul yearned to hear a word of love from her +lips, not once but many times, and that only thus I should be able to +remain on those lofty heights whereon she condemned me to dwell. But +that morning she was so gay, so cheerful and kind to me, that I had +not the heart to disturb her peace. Yesterday I could not understand +how a being so full of simplicity had got me under her power and +conquered me even on those fields I thought my exclusive domain. +To-day it seems clearer to me; and I have a ready and very sad +hypothesis,--she loves me less than I love her. + +I knew a man who had the trick of repeating in all his sentences, +"Never mind me." It would not be strange if I began to do the same. +For when I feel, as I do sometimes, a desire to get rid of some words +that almost burn my tongue, the sudden thought that I might mar her +cheerfulness, drive away the smile, and change her good disposition, +renders me mute. Ah me! how often this does happen! + +The thought that I love Aniela more than she loves me has crossed my +mind a hundred times; one day I think of it in one way, the next in +another. I am straying among my thoughts and look at the matter in a +different light every day. At one time it seems to me that she does +not care for me very much, in fact is incapable of any strong feeling; +and again, I not only think but am conscious that she has one of the +deepest and most loving hearts I ever met in the world. I have always +plenty of proofs either way. Thus I say to myself: "If her love +increases, three, four, ten times as much, will there not come a time +when it will grow stronger than her resistance?" Yes. Then it is only +a question of how great her feeling is? No. For if the feeling were +small she would not have suffered so much, and I have seen her suffer +almost as much as I did myself. Against all reasoning I have one +answer: "I have seen." + +To-day a sentence escaped her which I shall remember, for it is an +answer to my doubts. She would not have said this had I spoken about +us and our love. But I spoke in a general way, as I now always do. +I argued that it lay in the nature of feeling to be connected with +action; that love produces acts of will. When I had finished she said +quietly:-- + +"Not always. One may suffer." + +Of course one may suffer. With these few words she had crushed my +arguments and filled my heart with reverence for her. In moments like +these I am happy and unhappy, as again it seems to me that she loves +me as I love her, but will remain pure before God, and men, and +herself. And I shall not be able to shake that temple. When all is +said and done this analysis of her heart and feelings does not lead to +any certainty. I am always walking in the dark. To my philosophical +and social "I do not know" there is now added a personal +consideration, far more serious; for this "I do not know" threatens my +very life. + +I forged myself the chain which binds me to Aniela, and there is no +hope whatever that it ever will be broken. I love her despairingly, +and it is a question whether my love be not a disease. If I were +younger, less shattered in mind and nerves,--in short, of a more +normal disposition,--I might, seeing the hopelessness, try to break +that chain. As it is, I do not make even an effort. I love as a man +with diseased nerves, a man who is close upon mania; love as old +men do, clinging to love with all their might, as it is for them +a question of life. Thus one may cling to a branch overhanging a +precipice. + +This one thing has blossomed in my life, consequently its growth is so +out of all proportion. A phenomenon like this is easy to understand +and will repeat itself the oftener, the more people there are like me; +that is, hyper-analytical sceptics inclined to hysteria, with a great +nothingness in their souls, and a strong neurosis in their veins. This +modern product of our epoch, drawing to its end, may not love at all, +or may look upon love as mere licentiousness; but if it happen that +all the forces of one's life centre in one feeling, and come under the +sway of his neurosis, the predilection will become as ineradicable as +any other chronic disease. Physiologists have not fully understood +this, still less novelists, who occupy themselves with the analysis of +the modern human soul. + + +Vienna, 25 August. + +We arrived to-day at Vienna. On the way I listened to a conversation +between my aunt and Pani Celina, of which I took note, as it seemed to +make an extraordinary impression upon Aniela. We four were alone in +the railway carriage; we were discussing the portrait, and especially +the question whether the white dress would not have to be abandoned, +as the making of it would take up too much time. Suddenly Pani Celina, +whose mind is full of reminiscences and dates, which she quotes in and +out of season, turned to Aniela and said:-- + +"It is just two months to-day since your husband arrived at Ploszow, +is it not?" + +"I believe so," replied Aniela. + +At the same instant she grew very red and tried to hide her confusion +by taking down one of her bags from the rack. The blush had not gone +from her face when she turned round again, and there was in her face +an expression of acute pain. The ladies did not notice it, for they +were deep in a discussion as to the exact date of Kromitzki's arrival; +but I had noticed it and it grated upon my nerves, for it reminded me +that that very day she had to submit to his caresses. I was furious, +and at the same time ashamed for that blush of hers. In my love there +are many great thorns, but there are also a multitude of small, +hideous ones. Before that unlucky remark of Pani Celina's I felt +almost happy because I had the illusion that I was travelling with +Aniela as my affianced wife. Now in one moment the good disposition +fled. I felt resentment towards Aniela, and I showed it in my manners. +She noticed it at once, and when we arrived at Vienna and were left +alone for a moment, she asked:-- + +"Are you angry with me about something?" + +"No, but I love you," I said curtly. + +Her face grew sad. She thought, perhaps, that I had grown tired of the +peaceful current of our life, and the old Leon had come back again. +I felt angry with her, but angrier still with myself, that all my +philosophy and consciousness did not serve to give me the mastery over +the slightest sensations. + +I went at once to Angeli, but when I arrived at his studio it was +six o'clock and the studio was closed. Aniela will be rested, and +to-morrow I will go with her. I have changed my idea. I do not want +her in a ball-dress, showing her arms and shoulders; I will have her +as she is every day, and as I love her most. + +In the evening Doctor Chwastowski came to see us. He looks very well, +and as strong as a giant. + + +26 August. + +I had a very nasty dream. I begin with it the description of the day. +I am not one to attach any meaning to dreams, and I am convinced +that a healthy brain could not produce such stuff. Sleeplessness has +troubled me now for some time, but yesterday I had scarcely closed my +eyes when I fell into a heavy sleep. I do not know at what time I had +that dream; it must have been towards morning, for when I awoke it +was broad daylight, and I could not have dreamed long. I saw a great +quantity of cockchafers and black beetles crawl from under the +mattress and along the sides of the bed. They were as big as +matchboxes. Presently I saw them crawling up the wall. Strange how +realistic dreams can be; I distinctly heard the rustling of their +feet on the paper. Raising my eyes I noticed big clusters of beetles +hanging from the ceiling; but they were of a different kind, +much larger, with black and white spots. On some of them I could +distinguish the white belly, with two rows of feet on either side +which looked like ribs. In my dream they seemed quite in their place, +and yet horrible. They filled me with loathing, but I was neither +astonished nor afraid. Only after I had awoke the loathing became +unbearable and changed into a kind of fear,--fear of death. It was the +first time I had that sensation, and that fear of death took such a +form. "Who knows," I thought, "what hideous shapes are awaiting me in +the darkness, on the other side of life?" Later on I remembered that I +had seen some similar beetles in an entomological collection, but +at the time they seemed to me something unnatural, belonging to an +intangible after-life. I jumped up and raised the blind, and the sight +of daylight calmed me at once. The streets were already alive with the +traffic of the early morning,--vegetable carts drawn by dogs, servants +going to market, and laborers to their work. The sight of the normal +human life is the best remedy against phantasms like these. I feel now +an immense necessity for light and life. The final conclusion of all +this is that I am not well. My tragedy undermines me like a cancer. I +see white threads in my hair; this might have come in the course of +nature; but my face, especially in the morning, has a waxen hue, and +my hands are getting transparent. I am not getting thin, it is rather +the opposite, but I am conscious of anæmia as I am conscious of my +psychical state, and I feel that my vital powers are passing through a +crisis, and that some calamity is threatening me. + +I shall never go mad. I cannot even imagine how I could ever lose +control over myself. Besides, a celebrated physician, and what is +more an intelligent man, told me that at a certain point of developed +consciousness this was quite impossible. I think he has written a book +about it. But without going mad I may be on the eve of some portentous +nervous disease; and as I know a little what that means, I say +sincerely that any other would be preferable. + +I have not much faith in doctors, especially in those that trust to +physic, but I may take some advice if only to please my aunt. I know +one remedy, which would be infallible; if Kromitzki died and I could +marry Aniela I should speedily get well. A disease springing from +nerves must be cured through nerves. But she will not be my physician, +even if my life is in danger. + +I went with Aniela and my aunt to Angeli's studio. The first sitting +took place to-day. How right I was in saying that she is one of the +most beautiful women I ever met in life, because there is nothing +commonplace in her beauty. Angeli looked at her with manifest +pleasure, as if he had before him a noble piece of art. He was in +excellent spirits, drew the outline with enthusiasm, and did not +conceal at all the reason of his satisfaction. "In my profession," he +said, "a model like this is very rare indeed. With such a sitter it is +delightful to work. What a face! what expression!" + +The expression was by no means so charming as usual, because Aniela is +a shy little creature; she felt confused, bewildered, and it evidently +cost her an effort to keep a natural pose. Angeli understood that. + +"It will be easier the next time," he said; "like everything else, one +must get accustomed to it." And he repeated several times: "This will +be something like a portrait." + +He looked also with a pleased countenance at my aunt, who has noble +features and a singularly commanding presence. The way she met Angeli +was in itself a treat. It was the off-hand manner of the _grande +dame_, always in good taste, but evidently not making much of him. +Angeli, who is used to flattery and homage, and at the same time +a clever man, judged her aright, and I saw he was amused by her +demeanor. + +We had decided upon a black silk dress, very elegantly made. It shows +off Aniela's figure to perfection, its suppleness and rounded curves. +I can neither think nor write about it calmly. Angeli, addressing +Aniela, repeatedly called her "Mademoiselle." Feminine nature, even an +angelic one, has still its little weaknesses. I noticed that my dear +love was pleased, and still more so when I told Angeli of his mistake, +and he said:-- + +"But I shall always fall into the same mistake; looking at madame it +is impossible not to make the mistake." + +And indeed with those vivid blushes mantling in her face she was +surpassingly lovely. + +On our way out, when a little distance from my aunt, I whispered to +Aniela:-- + +"Aniela, do you know yourself how beautiful you are?" + +She did not say anything, but lowered her eyelashes, as she always +does in such a case. Nevertheless, I noticed that during the rest +of the day there was a shade of unconscious coquetry in her manner +towards me. Angeli's words and mine had attuned her to that +disposition. She knows I admire her, that never woman was admired +more, and it pleases her. I not only admired her, but I said inwardly, +rather shouted to myself: "To the deuce with all compacts. I love you +without limits and restrictions." + +In the evening we went to the opera to hear Wagner's "Fliegende +Hollander." I scarcely heard anything at all, or rather, heard and saw +only through her. I asked of Wagner: "What impression do you make upon +her? Does your music enter her soul and make her inclined to love me? +Do you transport her into higher spheres, where love is the highest +law?" That is the only thing that interests me. Women perhaps cannot +love so exclusively. They always reserve part of their soul for +themselves, for the world and its sensations. + + +27 August. + +My aunt expressed a wish to depart. She is anxious to be back at +Ploszow, and says that her presence here is not necessary, and that +in fact we should get on better without her; that we should not be +obliged to consider her and could devote all our time to the portrait. +We all protested a little, and maintained that a lady of her years +ought not to travel alone. Though reluctantly, I considered it my duty +to offer my companionship. I confess that I awaited her reply with +a certain trepidation; but the dear old lady said, with great +liveliness:-- + +"Don't think of it even. Suppose Celina should fall ill again, who +would look after them, or accompany Aniela to the studio? She must not +go alone." She shook her finger playfully at Aniela, and with a frown +on her brow, and smiling mouth she added: "I don't quite trust that +painter, he looks at her more than his work requires; and she sees it +too and is pleased with it,--I know her little ways." + +"But aunty, he is not a young man," said Aniela, laughingly kissing +her hands. + +My aunt muttered: "Little coaxing rogue, he is not a young man, you +say? but he pays you compliments all the same. Leon, you must keep +your eye on them." + +I relinquished the journey to Ploszow with delight, yielding to my +aunt's convincing reasons. Pani Celina insisted upon her taking the +maid, at least, who had gone with them to Gastein. My aunt refused at +first, but consented when Aniela pointed out that they would do very +well without a maid in the hotel. She gave orders at once to have her +things packed. She is very quick in her decisions and wants to go +to-morrow by an early train. I teased her during dinner, saying that +she liked her horses better than all of us together. "Foolish boy," +she said, "don't talk nonsense;" then forgot herself, and began +soliloquizing about the horses. The sitting was a very long one +to-day. Aniela posed much better. The face is already laid in. + + +28 August. + +My aunt left us this morning. Pani Celina, who went with us to the +studio, could scarcely restrain an exclamation of horror when she saw +Aniela's face on the picture. She has no idea about painting and the +different phases a picture has to go through, and fancied the face +would remain thus. I had to set her mind at rest. Then Angeli, who +guessed what was the matter, laughed and said that what she saw before +her was only the chrysalis, from which the butterfly would come forth +in time. + +"I believe it will be one of the best portraits I ever painted," he +said; "for a long time I have not worked so _con amore_." + +I hope his words will prove true. After the sitting I went to get +tickets for the opera. When I returned I found Aniela alone, and +suddenly temptation seized me with the force of a hurricane. I thought +if she would come into my arms, now was the moment; and at the very +thought I felt myself growing pale, my pulses beat wildly, I trembled +and caught my breath. The room was in semi-darkness, veiled by heavy +curtains. I made superhuman efforts to conquer the irresistible power +that pushed me towards her. It seemed as if a hot wave emanating from +her enfolded me, and that she too must feel the same storm in her +breast. "I must take her in my arms, kiss her eyes and lips," a voice +within me seemed to say, "though I were to perish for it afterwards." +She noticed at once my unusual state; there was a momentary terror in +her eyes, but she collected herself at once and said quickly:-- + +"You must be my guardian now in mamma's absence. There was a time when +I used to be afraid of you; but now I trust you and feel quite at ease +with you." + +I kissed her hands and said in a choking voice: "Oh, Aniela, if you +knew what is passing within me!" + +She replied, with sadness and compassion: "I know; you are so good, +and all the nobler." + +For a moment I still fought with myself; but she disarmed me,--I did +not dare. During the remainder of the day she tried to compensate me +for my restraint. Never had I seen in her eyes so much affection and +such tenderness. Is this not perhaps the best way, after all? Perhaps +in this guise the feeling will grow stronger and conquer her at last. +I do not know, I begin to lose my head. But following this road I +sacrifice every day my love for love's sake. + + +29 August. + +Something very strange and terrifying has happened. During the +sitting, while posing quietly, Aniela suddenly shuddered, her face +grew very red and then turned as white as snow. Both Angeli and I were +terribly frightened. He interrupted his work at once and asked Aniela +to rest; I brought her a glass of water. After a few moments she grew +better and wanted to resume the pose; but I saw that it cost her some +effort and that she still seemed dazed. Perhaps she was tired. The +weather is very hot to-day and the streets are like a baker's oven. We +went back much sooner than the day before, and I noticed that she had +not recovered her usual spirits. During dinner she grew suddenly very +red. Pani Celina asked whether she felt indisposed. She assured us +that nothing was the matter with her. To my offer to go and bring +a doctor, she replied with unusual vivacity, and with a touch of +irritation, that there was no need for it, that she was not ill. +During the remainder of the day she was pale, the black eyebrows +contracted every now and then, and there was an expression of +sternness in her face. She was more indifferent to me than yesterday, +and I fancied she avoided my eyes. I cannot make out what it means. I +am very restless, and shall not be able to sleep; or if I go to sleep +I shall have dreams such as I had before. + + +30 August. + +There is something mysterious going on around me. Towards noon I +knocked at the room of the ladies, to let Aniela know it was time to +go to the studio; but they were not there. The hotel servant told me +they had ordered a carriage two hours before and driven into town. A +little surprised at that, I resolved to wait for their return. Half +an hour later they came in, but Aniela gave me her hand silently and +passed at once into her room. A quick glance at her face told me it +was troubled. I thought she had only gone to change her dress, when +Pani Celina said:-- + +"My dear Leon, please go to Angeli and apologize for Aniela; her +nerves are so shaken that she cannot possibly sit for him." + +"What is the matter with her?" I asked, anxiously. + +Pani Celina seemed at a loss what to say, and at last replied: "I do +not know; I took her to the doctor, but we did not find him at home. I +left my card and asked him to call on us at the hotel; that is all I +can tell you." + +I could not get anything more out of her. I took a cab and drove at +once to Angeli's studio. When I told him that Aniela could not come +it seemed to me as if he looked suspicious. Perhaps the troubled +expression of my face had something to do with it. It crossed my mind, +"Suppose he suspects us to have changed our minds, and that we do not +want the portrait any longer?" He does not know us; he might even +think that some money difficulties are the cause of my anxiety. +To guard against such suspicions, I made up my mind to pay him in +advance. When he heard of this, he protested vehemently and said he +never accepted payment until the picture was finished; but I replied +that I was only the depositary of the sum, and as I might be called +away at any moment, I would rather get rid of the trouble. After some +more discussion, which bored me, it was settled according to my wish. +We agreed that the sitting should take place at the same hour the day +following, and in case Pani Kromitzka was still unable to attend I +would let him know before ten. When back at the hotel, I went at once +to the ladies. Aniela was in her room. Pani Celina said the doctor had +just gone away, but did not say anything conclusive; only advised her +to keep quiet and avoid emotion. I do not know why, but I fancied I +saw again in her face the same hesitation. Possibly it comes only from +her anxiety about Aniela, which I can well understand, as I feel the +same. + +When in my own room I reproached myself bitterly for having been, at +least partly, the cause of this; as all this struggle between her love +and her duty could not but act perniciously upon her health. Thinking +of all this, I had a sensation which might be summed up in a few +words: "Better I should perish than that she should suffer." I thought +with terror that she would not come down to dinner, as if something +serious, God knows what, had depended upon it. Fortunately she did +come down; but she still avoided my eyes, and there was the same +mysterious something in the air. First she grew confused at seeing me, +and then made an effort to be her usual self, but failed. She made +upon me the impression of a person that tries to conceal a trouble. +She must have been paler too than usual, for though she cannot be +called dark she almost looked like a brunette. + +I racked my brain to guess what could have happened. Was it anything +connected with Kromitzki; and if so, what could it be? Perhaps my +money is in danger. The deuce take the money! All I possess may +perish, rather than that Aniela should have a moment of anxiety. I +must get at the bottom of the mystery to-morrow. I am quite sure it +has to do with Kromitzki; but what can he have done? He has not sold +another Gluchow, for the simple reason that there is not another to +sell. + + +Berlin, 5 September. + +I am at Berlin, because escaping from Vienna I had to go somewhere. I +could not go to Ploszow, because she will be there. I was so convinced +that no human power could tear me from her that the very idea of +separation seemed to me a wild impossibility. But no! It is always the +unexpected that happens, for I have gone away, and everything is at +an end. I am at Berlin. I feel as if I had an engine in my head, the +wheels of which keep whirring incessantly. This hurts me; but I am +not mad. I know everything and remember everything. My physician was +right; it is only weak heads that come to grief. Besides, it could not +happen to me, because insanity sometimes means happiness. + + +6 September. + +Yet at times I fancy that my brain is bursting bounds. What is there +more natural than that a married woman should have children? But to me +that natural order seems so monstrous that it well-nigh maddens me. +Yet a thing cannot be at the same time in the order of nature and +a monstrosity. No brain can withstand that. What does it mean? I +understand that those whom fate means to crush are crushed by some +great, overwhelming calamity. With me it is different. I am rent +asunder by an ordinary, natural event,--and the more natural, the more +terrible it is. One contradicts the other. She is not responsible,--I +understand that because I am not mad. She is still virtuous, and yet +I could have sooner forgiven her any other crime. And I cannot, God +knows I cannot forgive you, because I loved you so much. And believe +me, there is not another woman in the whole world I scorn so much as I +scorn you. For, after all, it comes to this: you had two lovers, one +for Platonic love and the other for matrimonial love. There is in me a +wild desire to laugh, and at the same time to dash my head against the +wall. I had not foreseen that a way could be found to tear me from +you; and yet there is one, and it has proved effective. + + +8 September + +When I come to think that all is at an end between us, and that I have +left her forever, I can scarcely believe it. There is no Aniela for me +any more. Then what is there? Nothing. Then why do I live? I do not +know. It is not out of curiosity to know whether a son or a daughter +will be born to Pan Kromitzki. I always think of it as the most +natural thing in the world, and my head seems nigh to bursting. It +is very strange! I ought to have been prepared for that, and yet the +thought never entered my head. I should have sooner expected a stroke +of lightning to fell me down. Yet Kromitzki was with her at Ploszow; +they were together in Vienna, and afterward in Gastein. + +And I put it all down to her nerves, to her deep feelings! What +egregious foolishness! Since I could bear to see the two together, I +ought to be able to put up with the consequences. Alas, it is not +my reason that revolts, it is my nerves that quiver under these +consequences. There are people in whom these two forces dwell in +harmony; within me they worry each other like dogs. That is another +of my misfortunes. How is it I never thought of it? It ought to have +struck me that if there were any terrible coincidence, any blow more +painful than another, it would be reserved for me. + +Sometimes it seems to me as if I were hunted by a Providence that, not +satisfied by the logic of facts that contain in themselves a Nemesis, +took a special delight in fastening personally upon me. There are +many others who love their neighbors' wives, and they do not suffer, +because they love less honestly, more thoughtlessly. Is there any +justice in that? No, it is not that. There is no self-conscious +thought in the ordering of these things; they happen by chance and by +virtue of necessity. + + +10 September. + +The thought still pursues me that as a rule human tragedy is the +outcome of exceptional events and calamities, and mine comes from a +natural event. Really I do not know which is worst. The natural order +of things seems to me past bearing. + + +11 September. + +I have heard that a man struck by lightning stiffens, but does not +fall down at once. I too keep up, sustained by that thunderbolt that +struck me, but I feel myself falling. As soon as it grows dark in the +evening something strange takes place within me. I feel so oppressed +that it costs me an effort even to sigh; it seems as if the air could +not get to my lungs, and that I breathe with only a part of them. +During the night, and also in the day, a sudden nameless terror seizes +me,--terror of nothing in particular. I feel as if something horrible +was going to happen, something worse than death. Yesterday I put the +question to myself: "What would become of me if, in this foreign town, +I suddenly forgot my name and where I lived, and wandered on and on in +darkness without knowing where I was going?" + +These are sick fancies. Besides, in such a case that would happen to +my body which has already happened to my soul; for in a moral sense I +do not know where I dwell,--I walk in darkness, aimlessly, in a kind +of madness. I am afraid of everything, except of death. Strictly +speaking, I have a strange sensation as if it were not that I am +afraid, but as if fear dwelt in me, as a separate being,--and I +tremble; I cannot bear darkness now. In the evening I go out and walk +in the streets, lighted by electric lamps, until I am thoroughly +tired. If I met anybody I knew, I should escape, if to the other end +of the world; but crowds have become a necessity to me. When the +streets are getting empty I feel terrified. The thought of night fills +me with nameless fear. And how long they seem, these nights! + +I have continually a metallic taste in my mouth. I felt it for the +first time that night when I came home and found Kromitzki waiting +for me; the second time I felt it when Pani Celina told me the "great +news." What a day! I had gone to ask how Aniela was, when the doctor +had seen her for the second time. There was not the slightest +suspicion in my mind; I did not understand anything even when Pani +Celina said: "The doctor says that those are purely nervous symptoms, +and have nothing to do with her state." + +Seeing that I did not understand, she said, with a certain +uneasiness:-- + +"I must tell you the great news." + +And she told me the "great news." When I heard it I felt the metallic +taste in my mouth, and a cold sensation in my brain, exactly as I had +felt that evening I met Kromitzki unexpectedly. I went into my room. +I remember among other things that I felt an immense desire to +laugh. That ideal being, for whom even Platonic love seemed to be +impermissible, and who instead of "love" used the word "friendship!" I +felt a desire to laugh, and at the same time to dash my head against +the wall. + +I preserved nevertheless a mechanical self-possession. It came from +the consciousness that everything was over and done with; that I +must go--that there was nothing for it but to go. That consciousness +transformed me into an automaton, doing by routine everything that +was necessary for my departure. I was even conscious of keeping up +appearances. Why? I do not know, as this did not matter now to me any +longer. Most likely it was an instinctive action of the brain, which +for months had been trained in concealing the truth and keeping up +appearances. I told Pani Celina that I had seen a doctor, and that he +said there was something amiss with my heart, and ordered me to go to +Berlin without delay,--and she believed it. + +Not so Aniela. I saw her eyes dilated with terror, and in her face the +expression of a degraded martyr; and there were two persons within me: +one who said, "Is it her fault?" and another who despised her. Oh, why +did I love her so much? + + +12 September. + +It is almost two weeks since I left. They must be at Ploszow by this +time. I wrote to-day a letter to my aunt, because I was afraid +she might be uneasy about me and come here to look after me. I am +sometimes astonished to find there is still somebody that cares what +becomes of me. + + +13 September. + +There are men who lead astray other men's wives, deceive them, and +afterwards throw them aside and quietly resume their every-day life. +I have never done any such thing, and if Aniela had been my victim I +should have wiped the dust from off her path; no human power could +have torn me from her. There are greater crimes than mine, but upon +me has fallen such a burden that it gives me the impression of an +exceptional punishment; and I cannot help thinking that my love must +have been a terrible crime. + +This is a kind of instinctive fear, against which scepticism is no +safeguard. And yet by all moral laws it must be admitted that it would +be a greater offence to lead a woman to ruin without love, and do from +calculation what I did from a deep love. Surely the responsibility +cannot be greater for an immense, overpowering feeling than for a mean +little weakness. + +No! therefore my love is, above all, an awful calamity. A man free +from prejudices can imagine how he would feel if he were swayed by +prejudice; so, too, a man who doubts may imagine how he could pray if +he had the faith. I not only have the feeling, but it breaks forth +into a complaint, almost like a sincere prayer, and I say: "If I am +guilty, O God! I have been punished severely, and a little mercy might +be shown to me." But I cannot even imagine in what shape that mercy +could come to me now! It is impossible! + + +14 September. + +They must have gone back to Ploszow by this time. I still think of +Aniela very often, for we cannot wipe out the past; especially when we +have nothing to look for in the future; and I have nothing, nothing +at all. If I had faith I might become a priest; if I were a man who +denies the existence of God I might become a convert. But within me +the organs with which we believe are withered, as sometimes a limb +withers. I do not know anything except that in my sorrows I do not +find comfort in religion. + +When Aniela married Kromitzki, I thought everything between us was +over. I was mistaken. It is only now I have the full conviction that +everything is over; for now we are divided not only by our will and +my departure, but by something that is beyond us, by forces of nature +independent of us. We are like two parallel lines that can never meet, +though we wish for it ever so much. On Aniela's line there will be +suffering, but there will be also new worlds, a new life; on mine +there is nothing but solitude. She doubtless understands that as well +as I. I wonder whether sometimes she says to herself: "It is I who, +without intending it, have ruined that man." It does not matter much +to me, and yet I should like to know that she is sorry for me. Maybe +she will feel a little sorry until her child is born. After that all +her feelings will flow into one channel, and, for her, I shall not +exist any longer. That also is a law of nature,--an excellent law. + + +16 September. + +I saw to-day on an advertisement in big letters the name of Clara +Hilst. I now remembered that she had told me in her last letter that +she was going to Berlin. She is here, and she is going to give several +concerts. At the time, the news neither pleased nor displeased me. +Now, in proportion as my nervous restlessness increases, the sensation +grows more distinct, and takes a twofold shape: the thought that she +is near acts soothingly on me, but the thought is sufficient, and I +would rather not see her; and when I say to myself that I ought to +call on her it gives me an unpleasant sensation. Clara has that +inquisitive solicitude that wants to know everything and asks +questions. She has a strong leaning towards romantic situations, and +the firm belief that friendship is a remedy for all evils. For me to +make confidences is simply impossible. I often, lack the strength even +to think of what has happened. + + +17 September. + +Why do I wake up in the morning? Why do I exist? And what do I care +for acquaintances or people in general? I did not go to see Clara, +because she can have nothing to say to me that could possibly interest +me, and it wearies me beforehand. The whole world is as entirely +indifferent to me as I am to the world. + + +18 September. + +I did well to write to my aunt. If I had not done so she would have +come here. She writes thus:-- + +"Your letter came to hand the same day that Celina and Aniela arrived. +How are you now, my dearest boy? You say that you are all right, but +is that really and truly so? What did the doctors in Berlin say, and +how long do you think of remaining there? Send me a telegram whether +you are still there, and I will come to you at once. Celina says you +went away so suddenly that she and Aniela were terribly frightened. If +you had not mentioned that the doctor most likely will advise a sea +voyage, I should have started off at once after receiving your letter. +It is only some fifteen hours by rail, and I feel stronger than ever. +The congestions I used to have have not returned. I am very anxious +about you, and do not like the idea of the sea at all. You are used to +that sort of thing, but I shudder at the thought of ships and storms. +Celina is quite well, and Aniela fairly so. I hear that you have been +told the news. Before leaving Vienna they consulted a specialist, and +he said there was no doubt whatever about Aniela's state. Celina is +overjoyed, and I too am glad. Perhaps this will induce Kromitzki +to give up his speculations and settle at home. Aniela will now be +altogether happy, having an aim in life. She looked rather tired +and as if oppressed when she came back, but that may be only the +consequence of the journey. + +"Sniatynski's child has been very bad with croup, but is better now." + +Reading my aunt's letter gave me the impression that there is no room +for me among them, especially near Aniela. Even my memory will soon +become unpleasant to her. + + +19 September. + +I cannot imagine myself as living a year or two hence. What shall I +do? Such utter aimlessness ought to debar one from life. Properly +speaking, there is no room for me anywhere. + +I did not go to see Clara, but met her in the Friedrichsstrasse. +Seeing me she grew pale from joy and emotion, and greeted me with +such effusion that it pleased and pained me at the same time. I was +conscious that my cordiality towards her was a mere outward form, and +that I did not derive any pleasure from the meeting. When she had +recovered from the surprise at meeting me thus unexpectedly, she +scrutinized my face anxiously. Truly I must have presented a strange +sight; and my hair has become much grayer too. She began to inquire +after my health, and in spite of my friendship for her, I felt that +to see her often would be more than I could stand. I resolved to put +myself on guard against this; I told her that I did not feel very +well, and was shortly going away to a warmer climate. She tried to +persuade me to come and see her; than asked after my aunt, Pani +Celina, and Aniela. I put her off with general remarks. I thought to +myself that she perhaps is the only being who would have understood +me, and yet I felt that I could not open my heart to her. + +Nevertheless I am still susceptible to human kindness. At moments, +when those honest blue eyes of Clara's looked into mine with such +kindliness and such keen scrutiny, as if they wanted to look into my +very soul, her goodness humiliated me so that I felt a desire to weep. +Clara, in spite of my effort to seem as usual, noticed that I was +changed, and with quick feminine intuition she guessed that I speak, +live, almost think mechanically, and that my soul is half dead within +me. She left off all searchings and inquiries, but became very tender. +I saw that she was afraid of wearying me. She also tried to make +me understand that in the tenderness she was showing there was no +concealed intention of winning my regard, but only the desire to +comfort me. And it did comfort me, but I could not help feeling very +tired. My mind is not capable of any concentration, any effort to +maintain a conversation, even with a friend. And besides, since the +one aim of my life has vanished from my eyes, everything appears to me +so empty that I have continually the question in my mind: "What is the +use of it? what can it matter now?" + + +21 September. + +Never in my life have I passed a more terrible night. I had a +sensation of terror, as if I descended by endless steps into deeper +and deeper darkness, full of horrible, indefined, moving shapes. I +made up my mind to leave Berlin; I cannot breathe under that heavy, +leaden sky. I will go back to Rome, to my house on the Babuino, and +settle there for good. I think my accounts with Aniela and the world +in general may be considered as closed, and henceforth I will quietly +vegetate at Rome until my time comes. Anything for tranquillity! +Yesterday's visit to Clara convinced me that even if I wished it, I +cannot live with others, since I have nothing wherewith to repay their +kindness. I am excluded from general life and stand outside, and +though I am conscious of the indescribable solitude, I have no wish to +go back. The idea of Rome and my hermitage on the Babuino smiles upon +me; it is a pale, sorrowful smile, but I prefer it to anything else. +There I spread my wings to fly out into the world, and thither I go +back with broken wings,--to wait for the end. + +I am writing mostly in the morning, for at night I always descend +to those dark regions wherein fear dwells. To-day I shall go to the +concert and say good-by to Clara. To-morrow I depart. On the way I may +stop at Vienna, perhaps see Angeli, but am not certain. I am never +certain how I shall feel, or what I shall do the next day. + +I received to-day a note from Clara, in which she asks me to come and +see her after the concert. I shall go to the concert because there are +so many healthy-minded people there that I feel safer in their midst; +and they do not tire me, as they are personally unknown to me; I see +only the crowd. But I shall not go to Clara. She is too kind. It is +said of persons dying from starvation that for some time before their +death they cannot bear the sight of food. In the same way my spiritual +organism cannot stand sympathy and kindness. It cannot bear memories +either. It is a very small thing, but I know now why that visit to +Clara was such a trial to my nerves. She uses the same scent I brought +from Vienna for Aniela. I have noticed the same thing before, that +nothing recalls to the mind a certain person so distinctly as when one +inhales the perfume she is in the habit of using. + + +22 September. + +I have broken down at last. I caught a chill yesterday coming from +the concert-room, where the air was very close. I did not put on my +overcoat, and when I arrived at the hotel I was chilled to the bone. +Every breath I draw gives me a sensation as if my lungs in +expanding came in contact with two rows of needles hidden under the +shoulder-blade. I feel alternately very hot and very cold. I am +continually thirsty. At times I feel so weak that I could not go +downstairs. There is no question now about going away; I could not get +into the carriage without help. While writing I hear my own breath +coming three times as quick and loud as usual. I am quite certain that +but for my nerves the sudden chill would not have done me any harm, +but in my present state of nervous prostration I have lost all power +of resistance. It is undoubtedly inflammation of the lungs. + +I shall keep up as long as I can. In the morning as soon as I felt +ill, I wrote to my aunt, telling her I was all right, and would leave +Berlin in a few days. In a few days, if I am still conscious, I shall +write the same. I asked her to send all letters and telegrams to my +banker here. I shall take care that nobody at Ploszow knows about my +illness. How very fortunate I said good-by to Clara yesterday. + + +23 September. + +I am worse than yesterday. I am feverish and at times conscious that +my thoughts wander, but I have not lain down. When I shut my eyes the +border line between the real and the outcome of my sick brain seems to +vanish altogether. But I have still control over my senses. I am only +afraid the fever will overpower me and I shall lose consciousness +altogether. + +The thought comes now and then into my mind that I, a man more richly +endowed by fate than so many others, who could have a home, a family, +be surrounded by loving hearts, sits here lonely and in sickness, in +a strange place, with nobody near him to give him a glass of water. +Aniela would be near me too--I cannot go on. + + +14 October. + +I resume my writing after an interval of three weeks. Clara has left +me. Seeing me on a fair way to recovery she went to Hanover and +promised to come back in ten days. She nursed me during the whole +time of my illness. It was she who brought a doctor to me. I should +probably have died but for her. I do not remember whether it was the +third or fourth day of my illness she came here. I was conscious, but +at the same time as indifferent as if it were not to me that she had +come, or as if her being there were an every-day occurrence. She came +with the doctor, whose thick, curly, white hair attracted my attention +and fascinated me. After examining me he asked me several questions, +first in German, then in French; and though I understood what he said, +I did not feel the slightest inclination to answer, could not make an +effort,--as if my will-power had been struck down by the disease, as +well as the body. + +They worried me that day with cupping, and then I remained quiet +without any sensations. Sometimes I thought that I was going to die, +but this did not trouble me any more than what was going on around me. +Perhaps in severe illness, even when conscious, we lose the sense of +proportion between great and small matters, and for some reason or +other our attention is mainly fixed upon small things. Thus, for +instance, besides the doctor's curly hair, I was greatly interested in +seeing them push back the upper and lower bolt of the door of the room +adjoining mine, which Clara intended to occupy. I remember that I +could not take my eyes off that door, as if something depended on +whether it would open or not. Presently the surgeon came in who was to +look after me under Clara's supervision. He began to say something to +me, but Clara motioned him to be silent. + +I am still very tired, and must leave off. + + +16 October. + +My nerves have quieted down during that long illness. I have none of +those terrors that haunted me before. I only wish Clara would come +back as quickly as possible. It is not so much a longing for her +presence, as the selfishness of the convalescent, who feels that +nothing can replace her tender care and nursing. I know she will not +dwell close to me any longer; but her presence soothes me. Weakness +and helplessness cling to the protecting power as a child clings to +its mother. I am convinced that no other woman would have done for me +what Clara did; other women would have thought more of the proprieties +than of saving a man's life. Thinking of this, bitterness rises in my +throat, and there is one name on my lips--But those are things better +left alone, as long as I have not strength enough to think about them. +Clara used to sleep fully dressed on the sofa in the room next to +mine, with the door open. Whenever I moved she was at once at +my bedside: I saw her by night, leaning over my bed, her hair +disarranged, and eyes winking with sleeplessness and fatigue. She +herself measured out my physic, and raised my head from the pillow. +When, in moments of consciousness, I wanted to thank her, she put a +finger to her lips as a sign that the doctor had enjoined quietness. I +do not know how many nights she spent at my bedside. She looked very +tired in the daytime, and, when sitting near me in an armchair, +sometimes dozed off in the middle of a sentence. Waking up she smiled +at me, and dozed again. At nights she walked to and fro in her own +room, in order to keep awake; but so softly that I could not have +known it but for the shadow moving on the wall, which I saw through +the open door. Once, when she was near me, not knowing how to express +my gratitude, I raised her hand to my lips; she stooped down quickly, +and, before I could prevent it, kissed my hand. But I must confess +that I was not always so grateful. Sick people as a rule are fanciful +and irritable; I felt irritated at her being so tall. I felt a kind of +resentment that she was not like Aniela; for so long a time I had been +in the habit of acknowledging grace and beauty only in so far as they +approached the grace and beauty of that other one. + +Sometimes, looking at Clara, I irritated myself inwardly by the most +singular thought that she is beautiful, not because nature meant +her to be beautiful,--not by right of her race,--but by a fortunate +accident of birth. Sometimes other beautiful feminine heads made +upon me the same impression. These are subtle shades which only very +delicate and sensitive nerves can perceive. + +There were moments, especially at night, when, looking at Clara's face +grown thin and tired with watching me, I had a delusion that I saw the +other one. This happened when she was sitting in the half-light, a +certain distance from my bed. This delusion was fostered by fever and +a sick brain, for which impossibilities do not exist. Sometimes my +mind wandered and I called Clara by that other's name, spoke to her as +if she were Aniela. I remember it as if in a dream. + + +17 October. + +The banker B. sent me some letters written by my aunt. She asks me +about my plans for the future. She writes even about the crops, but +nothing about the inmates of Ploszow. I do not even know whether they +be alive or dead. What an irritating way of writing letters. What do I +care about the crops, and about the whole estate? I replied at once, +and could not disguise my displeasure. + + +18 October. + +To-day I received a telegram from Kromitzki addressed to Warsaw. My +aunt, instead of sending its contents in another telegram, put it into +an envelope, and sent it by post. Kromitzki entreats me to save my own +money and his whole future by sending him another twenty-five thousand +roubles. Beading this I merely shrugged my shoulders. What do I care +now for Kromitzki or my money? Let it go with the rest! If he only +knew the reason I helped him the first time, he would not ask me now. +Let him bear his losses as quietly as I bear mine. Moreover, there is +awaiting him the "great news;" that ought to comfort him. Rejoice as +much as you can; have as many children as you like; but if you think I +am going to provide for their future, you ask a little too much. + +If at least she had not sacrificed me with such inconsiderate egoism +to her so-called "principles." But enough of this; my brain cannot +stand it,--let me at least be ill in peace. + + +20 October. + +They cannot let me alone,--found me even here. Again for two days I +had no peace; again I press both hands against my head to stop that +whirring sound in my brain. I think again of Ploszow and of her, +and of the solitude that is awaiting me. It is a fearful thing +when suddenly something goes out of our life for which we lived +exclusively. I do not know whether illness has weakened my brain, but +I simply cannot understand various phenomena that I perceive within +myself. It seems as if jealousy had outlived my love. + +It is a twofold jealousy,--a jealousy not only of facts, but of +feelings. I am torn by the thought that the child which is to be born +will take Aniela's heart from me, and what is more, and concerns me +most, it will bring her closer to Kromitzki. I would not have her now +if she were free; but I cannot bear the thought of her loving her +husband. I would give all that remains of life if nobody would love +her, and she not love anybody any more. Under such conditions life +might be endurable still. + + +21 October. + +If what is now in my mind does not save me, I shall again fall ill, or +perhaps go mad. I am making up my accounts. Is there anything owing to +me from life? Nothing. What is awaiting me in the future? Nothing. If +so, there is no reason why I should not make a present of myself +to somebody whom that present would make happy. For my life, my +intellect, my abilities,--for the whole of my own self I would not +give a stiver. Moreover, I do not love Clara; but if she loves me, and +sees her happiness in me, it would be cruel to refuse her what I hold +so very cheap. I should consider it my duty to tell her what she is +taking; worse for her if it does not discourage her,--but that will be +her concern. + +This plan attracts me chiefly for one reason,--namely, it widens the +gulf that separates me from the other one. I will prove to her that, +as she has taken her own way, I am able to take mine. Then there will +be an end of it. But I am thinking of her still! I notice it, and +it puts me into a rage. Perhaps it is hatred now; but it is not +indifference. + +Pani Kromitzka probably fancied that I tore myself away forced by +circumstances; she will see now that it was also my wish. And the +thicker the wall I raise up between us, the sooner I shall be able to +banish her from my mind. As to Clara, I repeat that I do not love her; +but she loves me. Moreover, I owe her a debt of gratitude. During my +illness there were moments when I considered Clara's devotedness a +piece of German sentimentality, and yet the other one would not have +found courage enough for such sentimentality. It would be more in +accordance with her exalted virtue to let a man die than to see +him without his necktie; this is a freedom reserved for the lawful +husband. Clara did not care anything about such things; she gave up +for me her music, exposed herself to trouble, sleepless nights, and +possibly to the world's comments, and stood by me. I contracted +towards her a debt, and am going to pay it. I pay it badly and in +bad faith; for I offer to her what I do not value myself,--the mere +remnants of what was once a man. But if she values it, let it be hers. + +To my aunt it will be a disappointment; it will hurt her family pride +and patriotic feelings. Yet, if my aunt could but know what has been +lately going on in my heart, she would prefer this matrimonial scheme +to that other love; I have not the slightest doubt as to that. What +does it matter that Clara's ancestors were most probably weavers? I +have no prejudices; I have only nerves. Any casual view I take tends +rather towards liberalism. Sometimes I fancy that people professing to +be liberals are more narrow in their views than conservatives; but, on +the other hand, liberalism itself is resting on a larger basis than +conservatism, and more in accord with Christ's teachings; but I am +wholly indifferent to both parties. It is scarcely worth speaking or +reasoning about them. Real unhappiness shows us the emptiness of mere +partisan hair-splittings. Involuntarily I fall to thinking, "How will +Aniela receive the news of my resolve?" I have been so accustomed to +feel through her that the painful habit still clings to me. + + +22 October. + +This morning I sent the letter to Clara. To-morrow I shall have a +reply, or perhaps Clara herself will come tonight. In the afternoon +they sent me a second despatch from Kromitzki. It expresses as much +despair as a few words can contain. Things seem to have turned out +very badly, indeed; even I did not think ruin would come so quickly. +Some unexpected circumstances must have intervened that even Kromitzki +could not have foreseen. The loss I incur does not make a great +difference to me; I shall always be what I was,--but Kromitzki? Why +should I deceive myself? There lurks somewhere in a corner of my heart +a certain satisfaction at his ruin,--if only for the reason that these +two will be now entirely dependent on us; that is, upon my aunt, who +is the administrator of the Ploszow estate, and myself. In the mean +while I do not intend to reply at all. If I changed my intention +it would be to send him my congratulation at the expected family +increase. Later on it will be different. I will secure their future; +they shall have enough to live upon and more. + + +23 October. + +Clara has not arrived, and up to this moment there is no answer. This +is the more strange as she used to write every day, inquiring after my +health. Her silence would not surprise me if I thought she wanted even +ten minutes to make up her mind. I shall wait patiently; but it would +be better if she did not put it off. I feel that if I had not sent off +that letter, I should send now another like it; but if I could take it +back I should probably do so. + + +24 October. + +This is what Clara writes:-- + +Dear Monsieur Leon,--Upon receiving your letter I felt so foolishly +happy that I wanted to start for Berlin at once. But it is because I +love you sincerely that I listened to the voice which said to me that +the greatest love ought not to be the greatest egoism, and that I had +no right to sacrifice you for myself. + +You do not love me, Monsieur Leon. I would give my life were it +otherwise; but you do not love me. Your letter has been written in a +moment of impulse and despair. From the first instant of meeting you +in Berlin I noticed that you were neither well in body nor easy in +your mind, and it troubled me; the best proof of this is that although +you had wished me good-by, I sent every day to the hotel inquiring +whether you had gone, until I was told you were ill. Afterwards, +nursing you in your illness, I became convinced that my second fear +had been also right, and that you had some hidden sorrow, one of those +painful disappointments, after which it is difficult to be reconciled +to life. + +Now I have a conviction--and God knows how heavily it weighs upon +my heart--that you want to bind your life to mine in order to drown +certain memories, to forget and put a barrier between you and the +past. In the face of that is it possible that I could agree to what +you ask? In refusing your hand, the worst that can happen to me is +that I shall feel very unhappy, but I shall not have to reproach +myself with having become a burden and a dead weight upon you. I have +loved you from the first time we met, therefore it is nothing new +to me; and I have got used to the sorrow which is the inevitable +consequence of separation and the hopeless certainty that my love will +never be returned. But even if my life be sad, I can weep either with +tears in the usual woman-fashion, or through my music as an artist. I +shall always have that comfort at least, that when you think of me it +will be as a dear friend or sister. With this I can live. But if I +were your wife and came to see that you regretted your impulsiveness, +were not happy, perhaps learned to hate me, I should certainly +die. Besides, I say to myself: "What have you done to deserve such +happiness?" It is almost impossible to imagine perfect happiness. Can +you understand that one may love somebody with all one's heart in a +humble spirit? I can understand it, for I love thus. + +What I am going to say seems to me overbold, yet I do not feel it in +my heart to give up hope altogether. Do not be angry with me; God is +merciful, and the human soul is so athirst for happiness that it would +fain leave a door open for it to enter. If you ask me again in half a +year, a year, or any time in life the same question, I shall consider +myself rewarded for all I have suffered, and for the tears I am +shedding even at this moment. + + +Clara. + +There is within me something that is keenly conscious and can +appreciate every word of this noble letter. Not a syllable is lost to +me, and I say to myself: "All the more reason for asking her again; +she is so honest, simple, and loving." But there is also that other +self, very tired, who had all the strength taken out of him, who can +give sympathy but no love; because he has staked his all upon one +feeling, and sees clearly that for him there is no return. + + +28 October. + +I am quite certain that Clara will not come back to Berlin; and what +is more, that when she went away it was with the intention of not +coming back again. She wanted to avoid my gratitude. I think of her +gratefully and sadly, and am sorry she did not meet a different man +from me. There is such an irony of fate in this! But what is the use +of deceiving myself? I am still yoked to my memories. I see before me +Aniela, as she appeared to me at Warsaw, as I saw her at Ploszow and +Gastein; and I cannot tear myself away from the past. Besides, it has +absorbed so much of my strength and life that I am not surprised at +it. The difficulty is, not to remember. Every instant I catch myself +in the act of thinking about Aniela, and I have to remind myself +that she is changed now, that her feelings will be going, have gone +already, into another direction, and that I am nothing to her now. + +Formerly I preferred not to think of my wrecked condition, because my +brain could not stand the thought; now I do it sometimes on purpose, +if only to defend myself against the voice that calls out: "Is it her +fault? and how do you know what is passing in her heart? She would not +be a woman if she did not love her own child when it comes into the +world, but who told you that she is not as unhappy as you are?" At +times it seems to me that she is even more unhappy, and then I wish +for another inflammation of the lungs. Life with such a chaos of +thoughts is impossible. + + +30 October. + +With my returning health I am gradually drifting back into the magic +circle. The doctor says that in a few days I shall be able to travel. +I will go hence, for it is too near Warsaw and Ploszow. It may be one +of my nervous whims, but I feel I shall be better and more at rest in +Rome on the Babuino. I do not promise myself to forget the past; on +the contrary, I shall think of it from morning until night, but the +thoughts will be like unto meditations behind cloister walls. Besides, +what can I know of how it will be? All I know is that I cannot remain +here any longer. I shall call upon Angeli by the way; I must have her +portrait at Rome. + + +2 November. + +I leave Berlin, I renounce Rome, and go back to Ploszow. I wrote some +time ago that Aniela is not only the beloved woman, but the very +crown of my head. Yes, it is a fact; let it be called by any +name,--neurosis, or an old man's madness; I have got it in my blood +and in my soul. + +I am going to Ploszow. I will serve her, take care of her, do for her +what I can; and for all reward let me be able to look at her. I wonder +at myself that I fancied I should be able to live without seeing her. +One letter from my aunt brought out all that was buried within me. My +aunt says:-- + +"I did not write much about us, because I had nothing cheerful to tell +you; and as I am not clever at disguising things, I feared I should +make you uneasy, knowing that you were not well. I am in terrible +anxiety about Kromitzki, and should like to have your advice. +Chwastowski showed me his son's letter, in which he says that +Kromitzki's affairs are in a deplorable state, and that he is +threatened with legal prosecution. Everybody has deceived him. He +suddenly received orders to deliver a great quantity of goods, and as +the appointed term was very short, he had no time to look into things +and see whether everything was as it should be. It turned out that all +the goods were bad,--imitations, and second and third rate quality. +They were rejected; and in addition Kromitzki is threatened with a +trial for defrauding the agency. God grant that we may be able to +prevent this, especially as he is innocent. Ruin does not matter, +provided there be no disgrace. I am altogether at a loss what to do +and how to save him. I do not like to risk the money I intended Aniela +to have, and yet we must not let it come to a trial. Tell me what to +do, Leon; for you are wise and will know what is expedient in these +matters. I have not told Celina anything about it, nor Aniela,--and I +am very anxious about Aniela. I cannot understand what is the matter +with her. Celina is the worthiest of women, but she always had +exaggerated ideas about modesty, and has brought up Aniela in the same +way. I do not doubt that Aniela will be the best of mothers, but now +I am quite angry with her. A married woman ought to be prepared for +consequences, and Aniela seems to be in despair, as if it were a +disgrace. Nearly every day I see traces of tears in her eyes. It +torments me to see her looking so thin and pale, with those dark +rings under her eyes and ready to burst into tears at the slightest +provocation; and there is always an expression of pain and humiliation +in her face. I have never in my life seen a young woman so distressed +at her situation. I tried persuasion and I tried scolding,--all in +vain. Perhaps I love her too much, and in my old age am losing my +former energy; but then she is such an affectionate creature! If you +only knew how she asks after you day by day, whether a letter has +arrived and if you were well, when you will be going, and how long you +mean to stop at Berlin. She knows I like to speak about you, and +she makes me talk for hours. God give her strength to bear all the +troubles that are awaiting her. I am really so concerned about +her health that I positively dare not give her any hint about her +husband's position. But sooner or later it must come to her ears. I +have not said anything to Celina either, because she is troubled about +Aniela, and cannot understand why she should take her position so +tragically." + +Why? I alone in the world understand and could have answered that +question,--and that is the reason I go back to Ploszow. It is not her +position she takes tragically, but my desertion. My despair she is +aware of, the sundering of those ties that have grown dear to her from +the time when after so much suffering, so many efforts, she contrived +to change them into ideal relations. Only now I enter into her +thoughts, into her very soul. From the moment I came back to Ploszow +there arose a struggle between duty and feeling in that noble heart. +She wished to remain true to him to whom she had promised her faith, +because her spiritual nature abhors impurity and falsehood; and at the +same time she could not help being drawn to the man she had loved with +all the fresh feelings of her young heart,--all the more as the man +was near her, loved her, and was supremely unhappy. Whole months had +passed in that struggle. At last there came a moment of peace, when +the feeling had become a union of souls so pure and unearthly that +neither her modesty nor her loyalty could take exception to it. This +is the reason of her unhappiness; I am reading now her soul as an open +book,--therefore I go back. + +I also now see clearly that I would not have left her if I had had a +complete certainty that her feelings would outlast all changes in her +life. The mere animal jealousy that fills my mind with rage because +another has rights over her which are denied to me would not have been +sufficient to drive me away from the one woman who is all the world to +me. But I thought that the child, even before it was born, would take +possession of her heart, draw her closer to her husband, and blot me +out of her heart and life forever. + +I do not delude myself even now, for I know that I shall not be to +her what I have been, nor what I might have been but for the combined +forces of circumstances. I might have been the dearest and only one +for her, attaching her to life and happiness; now it will be quite +different. But as long as there is a glimmering spark of feeling for +me I will not leave her, because I cannot; I have nowhere to go. + +Therefore I return; I shall nurse that spark, fan it into life again, +and get some warmth from it for myself. I am reading again my aunt's +words: "If you only knew how she asks after you day by day, whether a +letter has arrived, and if you were well, when you will be going, and +how long you mean to stop at Berlin," and I cannot fill myself enough +with these words. It is as if I had been starving, and somebody had +given me a piece of bread. I am eating it, and feel as if I could cry +from sheer gratitude. Perhaps God's mercy toward me is beginning to +appear at last. For I feel that I am changed; the former self has +died in me. I shall not revolt against her will any more; I will bear +everything, will soothe and comfort her; I will even save her husband. + + +4 November. + +After thinking it over, I remain two days more at Berlin. It is a +great sacrifice for me, because I can scarcely contain myself in my +impatience; but it is necessary to send a letter to prepare her for my +coming. A telegram might alarm her, as also my sudden arrival. I have +sent off a cheerful letter, winding up with a friendly message for +Aniela as if nothing ever had happened between us. I want her to +understand that I am reconciled to my fate, and that I come back the +same I was before I left her. My aunt must have counted upon my coming +on receipt of her letter. + + +Warsaw, 6 November. + +I arrived this morning. My aunt awaited me at Warsaw. At Ploszow +things are a little better. Aniela is much calmer. There is no news +from Kromitzki. + +The poor old aunt met me with a horrified exclamation,--"Leon, +whatever has happened to you?" She did not know I had been so ill, +and protracted illness alters one's appearance; and my hair has +grown quite gray on the temples. I even thought of darkening it +artificially. I do not want to look old now. My aunt, too, had changed +very much, and although it is not so long since we parted, I found a +great difference in her appearance. Her face has lost its familiar +determined expression, though her features have grown more immovable. +I noticed that her head is trembling a little, especially when she +is listening with deep attention. When with some inward trouble I +inquired after her health, she said, with her usual frankness, "After +my return from Gastein I felt very well; but now everything seems to +go wrong, and I feel that my time is coming. We Ploszowskis all end +with paralysis; and I feel a numbness in my arm every morning. But it +is not worth talking about; it will be as God ordains." + +She would not say anything more. Instead of that we took counsel +together how to help Kromitzki, and we resolved not to let it come to +a criminal prosecution if we could help it. We could not save him from +ruin, as this would have involved our own ruin, which, if only in +consideration for Aniela, we must avoid. I made a proposition to +settle Kromitzki here, by giving him one of the larger farms. God +knows how my mind recoiled from, the very thought of his being always +with Aniela, but to make my sacrifice complete I had made up my mind +to swallow the bitter draught. + +My aunt offers one of her farms, and I am furnishing the necessary +capital to establish him, which, taken together, will be Aniela's +dowry. Kromitzki will have to pass his word not to embark in further +speculation. But before that can be done we must get him free, and for +that purpose we are going to send out an able lawyer with instructions +and ample means. + +When we had finished our consultation I began to inquire after Aniela. +My aunt told me, among other things, that she was very much changed, +and her former beauty almost gone. Hearing this, I felt the more pity +for her. Nothing will be able to turn my heart from her. She is the +very crown of my head. I wanted to start off at once for Ploszow, but +my aunt said she felt tired, and wanted to pass the night at Warsaw. +As I had told her about my having had inflammation of the lungs, I +suspect she remained on purpose so as not to let me travel in bad +weather. It has been raining since morning. Besides we should not have +been able to go, as Kromitzki's affairs must be dealt with at once. + + +7 November. + +We arrived in Ploszow at seven in the evening. It is now midnight, and +the whole house is asleep. Thank God, the meeting did not excite her +much. She came out to me with hesitating step, and there was fear and +shame in her eyes; but I had vowed to myself to meet her as if we had +parted yesterday, and take care to avoid anything in the nature of +reconciliation, anything to remind her that we had parted under +unusual circumstances. When I saw her coming, I put out my hand, +saying cheerfully,-- + +"How do you do, dear Aniela? I have been longing to see you all, and +it made me put off my sea voyage for another time." + +She understood at once that such a greeting meant reconciliation, +peace, and the sacrifice of myself for her sake. For a moment there +passed across her face a wave of such emotion that I felt afraid she +would lose command over herself. She wanted to say something and could +not; she only pressed my hand. I thought she might burst into tears, +but I did not give her time, and continued quickly in the same tone:-- + +"What about the portrait? The head was finished when you left Vienna, +was it not? Angeli will not send it soon, because he said to me it +would be his masterpiece. He will want to exhibit it in Vienna, +Munich, and Paris. It is lucky I asked him to make a copy, otherwise +we might wait a year before we got it. I wanted a copy for myself." + +She was obliged to fall in with my humor in spite of all the emotions +that worked in her breast, especially as my aunt and Pani Celina took +part in the conversation. In this way the first awkward moments were +tided over. Everything I said was intended to divert our attention +from the real state of feelings. I kept on in the same strain all the +evening, although at times I felt the perspiration breaking out on my +forehead from the effort. I was still weak after my recent illness, +and all this told upon me terribly. + +During supper Aniela looked at my pale face and the gray hairs. I +saw she guessed what I must have suffered. I spoke about my Berlin +experiences almost gayly. I avoided looking at her changed appearance, +so as not to let her see that I had noticed it, and that the sight +moved me deeply. Towards the end of the evening I felt faint several +times, but I fought against it, and she did not see anything in my +face except calmness, serenity, and boundless affection. She is very +keen-sighted; she knows, perceives, understands things very quickly; +but I fairly surpassed myself,--I was so natural and so much at my +ease. Even if there be still any lingering doubt in her mind as to my +submission, she has none as to my affection and her being to me the +same worshipped Aniela. + +I noticed that she seemed better and evidently began to revive in the +warmer atmosphere. I had indeed reason to be proud of myself, for +I brought at once an appearance of cheerfulness into a house where +dulness had reigned paramount. My aunt and Pani Celina appreciated it +keenly. The latter said frankly when I wished her good-night:-- + +"Thank Heaven, you have come. Everything looks different at once with +you in the house." + +Aniela, pressing my hand, said shyly, "You will not go away soon, will +you?" + +"No, Aniela," I replied; "I will not go away again." And I went, or +rather fled, to my room, because I felt that I could bear the strain +no longer. There had been such an accumulation of misery and tears in +my heart during that evening that I felt half choked. There are small +sacrifices that cost more than great ones. + + +8 November. + +Why do I repeat to myself so often that she is as the crown of my +head? Because one must love a woman more than life, consider her as +the crown of life, if he does not leave her under circumstances like +these. I am perfectly aware that mere physical repugnance would have +driven me from any other woman; and since I remain here the thought +occurs to me again that my love must be an aberration of the nerves, +which could not exist were I a normally healthy specimen of mankind. +The modern man, who explains to himself everything by the word +"neurosis," and is conscious of all that is going on within himself, +has not even the comfort which a conviction of his own faithfulness +might give him. For if he says to himself, "Your faithfulness +and perseverance are signs of disease, not virtues," it adds one +bitterness the more. If consciousness of all these things makes life +so much more difficult, why do we take so much care to cultivate it. + +To-day, by daylight, I noticed how much Aniela is changed, and my +heart was torn at the sight. Her mouth is swollen, and the once so +pure brow has lost its purity and clearness. My aunt was right,--her +beauty is almost gone. But the eyes are the same as those of the +former Aniela, and that is enough for me. That changed face only +increases my pity and tenderness, and she is dearer to me than ever. +If she were ten times more changed I should love her still. If this be +disease, I am sickening with it, and do not wish to get well again; I +would rather die of this disease than of any other. + + +9 November. + +A time will come when under changed circumstances she will recover her +beauty. I thought of it to-day and at once asked myself what would be +our relations towards each other in the future, and whether it would +make any change. I am certain it will not. I know already how it feels +to live without her, and shall not do anything which might make her +cast me off. She will always remain the same; I have now not the +slightest doubt that I am necessary to her life, but I know also that +she will never call the feeling she has for me by any other name than +great sisterly affection. What matters the name? it will be always the +ideal love of one soul towards another; and that is lawful, because +permitted to brother and sister. Were it otherwise, she would be in +arms against it at once. + +In regard to this I have no illusion whatever. I have already said +that since she changed our mutual relations into ideal feelings, they +have become dear to her. Let it remain thus, provided they be dear to +her. + + +10 November. + +It is an altogether wrong idea that the modern product of civilization +is less susceptible to love. I sometimes think it is the other way. He +who is deprived of one lung breathes all the harder with the remaining +one; we have lost much of what makes up the sum of life, and are +endowed instead with a nervous system more highly strung and more +sensitive than that of our ancestors. It is quite another matter that +a lack of red globules in our blood creates abnormal and unhealthy +feelings, and the tragedy of human life rather increases therefore +than grows less. It is increased for the very reason that, whereas the +former man in his disappointments found consolation in religion +and social duties, the modern man does not find it there. Formerly +character proved a strong curb for passions; in the present there is +not much strength in character, and it grows less and less because of +the prevailing scepticism, which is a decomposing element. It is like +a bacillus breeding in the human soul; it destroys the resistant power +against the physiological craving of the nerves, of nerves diseased. +The modern man is conscious of everything, and cannot find a remedy +against anything. + + +11 November. + +There has been no news from Kromitzki for some time; even Aniela has +not heard from him. I sent him a telegram to inform him that a lawyer +was coming out to him to set his affairs straight; then I wrote to +him,--trusting to chance that he may get the letter; for we do not +know where he is at present. No doubt the telegram and letter will +find him in time, but where or when we do not know. The elder +Chwastowski has written to his son; perhaps he first will hear +something as to how matters stand. + +I spend whole hours with Aniela, with nothing to disturb us. Pani +Celina, who knows now about Kromitzki's position, asked me to prepare +Aniela for any news she might be likely to receive. I have already +told Aniela what I think in regard to her husband's speculation, but +only from a personal point of view. I told her even that she ought not +to take it to heart if he lost all his money, which after all might be +the best thing that could happen to him, as then he might be able to +settle to a quiet, practical life. I set her mind at rest as to the +money I had lent him, and said that was all right; I also told her +something of my aunt's plans for their future. She listened with +comparative calmness and without showing signs of emotion. What most +gives her strength and comfort is the consciousness that so many +loving hearts are near her. I love her now beyond all words; she sees +it,--she reads it in my eyes, and in my whole manner towards her. When +I succeed in cheering her up, or call forth her smiles, I am beside +myself with delight. There is at present in my love something of the +attachment of the faithful servant who loves his mistress. I often +feel as if I ought to humble myself before her, as if my proper place +were at her feet. She never can grow ugly, changed, or old to me. I +accept everything, agree to everything, and worship her as she is. + + +12 November. + +Kromitzki is dead! The catastrophe has come upon us like a +thunderbolt. God keep Aniela from any harm in her present state. +To-day came a telegram to the effect that, accused of fraud and +threatened with imprisonment, he has taken his life. I should have +expected anything but that! Kromitzki is dead! Aniela is free! But how +will she bear it? I have been looking again and again at the telegram, +to make sure I am not dreaming. I cannot yet believe my own eyes; but +the signature, "Chwastowski," vouches for its truth. I knew it could +not end well, but I never supposed the end would be so speedy and so +tragic. No! the thought never crossed my mind. + +I feel as if I had received a blow on the head. If my brain does not +give way now, it can bear anything. I once helped Kromitzki, and +latterly I have done what I could for him, consequently I have nothing +to reproach myself with. There was a time when from my whole soul I +wished him dead,--that is true; but it is all the more to my credit +that I helped him in spite of that. And death has overtaken him, not +in consequence of anything I did, but in spite of it. And Aniela is +free! Strange, though I know it, I cannot believe it altogether. I +am as if only half conscious. Kromitzki to me was a mere stranger, +moreover the greatest obstacle in my way. The obstacle is removed, +therefore I ought to feel a boundless joy; and yet I cannot, dare not +feel it,--possibly because a fear of the consequences for Aniela is +connected with it. My first thought when I received the telegram was: +"What will happen to Aniela? How will she bear the news?" God guard +her! She did not love the man, but in her present state a shock may +kill her. I am thinking of taking her away from here. + +What a fortunate thing that I received the telegram in my own room, +and not in the dining-room. I do not know whether I should have been +able to control my features. For some time I could not recover myself +from the sudden shock. I then went to my aunt, but did not show her +the telegram. I said only:-- + +"I have had bad news about Kromitzki." + +"What has happened?" + +"You must not be shocked, aunty." + +"They brought him up for trial,--is that it?" + +"No, it is worse; he is brought up for trial, but before a higher +tribunal than ours." + +My aunt winked with both eyes vigorously. + +"What do you mean, Leon?" + +I showed her the telegram. She read it, and without saying a word went +to her prie-Dieu and buried her face in her hands. After a short time +she rose from her knees and said:-- + +"Aniela may pay for it with her life. What is to be done?" + +"She must not know anything until after the child is born." + +"But how can we prevent it? It will be in everybody's mouth; the +papers will discuss it. How can we keep it from her?" + +"Dearest aunt," I said, "there is only one way. We must have the +doctor here and ask him to prescribe for her a change of air. Then I +will take her and Pani Celina to Rome. There I can keep all news from +her. Here it would be difficult, especially when the servants come to +hear about it?" + +"But will she be able to bear the journey?" + +"I do not know; it all depends upon what the doctor says; I will send +for him at once." + +My aunt agreed to my proposal. It was really the best thing to do +under the circumstances. We resolved to take Pani Celina into our +confidence, in order that she might further our plan of departure. I +saw all the servants, and gave strict orders that all letters, papers, +and telegrams should be brought direct to my room, and nobody approach +the young lady with any news or gossip whatever. + +My aunt was terribly shocked. According to her views, suicide is one +of the greatest crimes anybody can commit; therefore with the pity for +the unfortunate man, there was a great deal of horror and +indignation. "He ought not to have done this," she said over and over +again,--"especially now when he expected to become a father." But I +suppose he might not have received news of that. During the last few +weeks he must have been in a state of feverish anxiety, travelling +from one place to another as the entangled position of his affairs +drove him. + +I dare not condemn him, and will confess openly that it has raised the +man in my esteem. There are some men who, justly accused of fraud and +wrong-dealing, and sentenced to imprisonment, take it easy, and pass +their time in prison gayly drinking champagne. He did not do that,--he +preferred death to disgrace. Maybe he remembered who he was. I should +have less sympathy with him if he had made away with himself merely +because he had failed; but I suppose even that would have been a +sufficient motive for him to do so. I remember what he said about +it at Gastein. If my love be a neurosis, then most undoubtedly his +feverish desire for gold is the same. When this one aim went out from +his life, this one basis slipped away from under his feet, he saw +before him, perhaps, a gulf and a desert such as I saw when alone at +Berlin. And what could hold him back? The thought of Aniela? He knew +we would take care of her; and besides,--who knows?--perhaps in a dim +way he felt that he was not necessary to her happiness. I did not +think he had it in him; I had not expected from him so much energy and +courage, and I confess that I judged him wrongly. + +I had put down my pen, but take it up again because I cannot sleep; +and besides, while writing my thoughts flow more evenly, and I do not +feel my brain reeling. Aniela is free! Aniela is free! I repeat it to +myself and cannot encompass the whole meaning. I feel as if I could +go mad with joy, and at the same time I am seized with an undefined +dread. Is it really true that a new life is dawning for me? What is +it? Is it one of Nature's tricks, or is it God's mercy at last for all +I suffered, and for the great love I bear in my heart? Perhaps there +exists a mystic law which gives the woman to the man who loves her +most in order that a great, eternal commandment of the Creator should +be fulfilled. I do not know. I have a feeling as if I and all those +near me were carried away by an immense wave, beyond human will or +human control. + +I interrupted my writing again, because the carriage I sent for the +doctor has come back without him. He has an operation on hand and +could not come, but promised to be here in the morning. He must remain +with us at Ploszow until our departure, and go with us to Rome. There +I shall find others to take his place. + +It is late in the night. Aniela is asleep, and has no foreboding of +what is hanging over her, what a complete change in her life has taken +place. May it bring peace and happiness to her! She deserves it all. +Perhaps it is for her sake God's mercy is showing. + +My nerves are so overstrung that I start when I hear a dog barking in +the distance, or the watchman's rattle; it seems to me as if somebody +were bringing news and trying to get to Aniela. I make an effort to +calm myself, and explain away the strange fear that haunts me, by the +state of Aniela's health; I try to be convinced that but for this I +should not feel so uneasy. I repeat to myself that my fear will pass, +as everything passes, and afterwards there will be the beginning of a +new life. + +I have to familiarize myself with the thought that Kromitzki is no +more. Out of this catastrophe springs my happiness, such happiness as +I dared not hope for; but there is within us a moral instinct which +forbids us to rejoice at the death of even an enemy. And moreover in +death itself there is an awful solemnity,--those who speak in presence +of it speak in hushed voices; that is the reason I dare not rejoice. + + +13 November. + +All my plans are shattered. The doctor came this morning, and after +examining Aniela, announced that there could be no question of any +long journey for her, as it would be positively dangerous. There seem +to be some irregularities in her state. What a torture to hear his +professional jargon, when every word he utters seems to threaten the +life of the beloved woman. I told the doctor the position we are in, +and he said that between two dangers he preferred the lesser one. + +What troubled and angered me most was his advice to tell Aniela, after +due preparation, about her husband's death. Alas! I cannot deny that +from his point of view he is right. "If you are quite sure," he said, +"that you can keep it from Pani Kromitzka for some months to come, it +would certainly be better to do so; but if not, it would be advisable +to prepare her mind and then tell her; for if she receives the news +suddenly there may be another catastrophe." + +What is to be done? I must establish a quarantine around Ploszow, not +let a paper or letter come in unknown to me, instruct the servants +what to say, and to keep even their features under command. + +What an impression news like this makes upon every one; I had an +illustration in Pani Celina, to whom we had to tell the truth. She +fainted twice, and then went off into hysterics; which almost drove me +frantic, because I thought she would be heard all over the house. And +yet she was not fond of her son-in-law; but she too, I suppose, was +mostly afraid for Aniela. I am strenuously opposed to the doctor's +advice, and do not think I shall ever agree to it. I cannot tell them +one thing,--that Aniela did not love her husband, and that for that +very reason the shock will be more terrible to her. + +It is not merely a question of sorrow after the death of a beloved +being, but of the reproaches she will apply to herself, thinking that +if she had loved him more he might have clung more to his life. Empty, +trivial, and unjust reproaches, for she did everything that force +of will could command,--she spurned my love and remained pure and +faithful to him. But one must know that soul full of scruples as I +know it, to gauge the depth of misery into which the news would plunge +her, and how she would suspect herself,--asking whether his death did +not correspond to some deeply hidden desire on her part for freedom +and happiness; whether it did not gratify those wishes she had +scarcely dared to form. My hair seems to rise at the very thought, +because it is his death that opens a new life for her; consequently it +will be a twofold shock,--two blows to fall upon the dear head. This, +neither the doctor, my aunt, nor Pani Celina can understand. No! she +ought not to be told until after the event. + +What a misfortune that she cannot go away! Here it is difficult, +almost impossible, to guard her. She will read in our faces what has +happened. The least word, the least glance will rouse her suspicion, +and she will fancy all sorts of things. To-day she was surprised by +the sudden arrival of the doctor. Pani Celina told me she had inquired +why he was sent for and whether she was in any danger. Fortunately, my +aunt, always ready for any emergency, said that it was the usual thing +in such a case to call in the doctor from time to time. Aniela has no +experience, and believed her at once. How shall I be able to persuade +the servants not to look so mysterious? They already guess that +something is the matter, from my warnings and cautionings, and they +will know all about it in time. I cannot dismiss them all. The +frequent telegrams are enough to excite their curiosity. To-day I had +another telegram from Chwastowski at Baku, with the inquiry what he is +to do with the body. I replied that he should bury it there for the +present. I asked the elder Chwastowski to take it to Warsaw, and sent +a money order by telegraph. I do not know even whether such an order +can be sent from Warsaw to Baku. + +To-day I looked through the papers. In two of them there was a +paragraph about Kromitzki's death. If that is young Chwastowski's +doing, he must be mad. The servants know everything. Their faces are +such that I am surprised Aniela does not suspect something. During +dinner she was cheerful and unusually lively. The doctor's presence is +a great relief to me. Kromitzki is nothing to him. He engages Aniela's +attention, makes jokes, and teaches her to play chess. Pani Celina, +on the contrary, reduces me to despair. The merrier Aniela grew, the +longer and more funereal became her mother's countenance. I spoke to +her about it rather sharply. + + +14 November. + +We are all at Warsaw. They told Aniela that hot-water pipes were to be +laid in all the rooms at Ploszow, and so, to avoid the general upset +and discomfort, we all intended to go to Warsaw. The drive tired her +very much; but I am glad we are here, for I can rely upon my servants. +The house is a little in disorder. A great many pictures are already +unpacked. Aniela, in spite of being tired, wanted to see them, and I +acted as cicerone. I told her that it was my greatest wish to be at +some time her cicerone at Rome, and she replied, with a shade of +sadness:-- + +"I, too, often dream of seeing Rome, but sometimes I think that I +shall never go there." + +Her words caused me a twinge of anguish, for I am afraid of +everything, even presentiments, and am ready to see in every word a +forecast of evil. + +"I promise you shall go to Rome and stop there as long as you like," I +replied cheerfully. + +It is strange how easily human nature adapts itself to a new position +and exercises its rights. Involuntarily I look upon Aniela as my own, +and guard her as my property. + +The doctor was right. We did well to come to Warsaw,--firstly, because +in case of any sudden emergency there is help at hand; secondly, we +are not obliged to receive visitors. At Ploszow we could not have +avoided that, as it is impossible to turn away a visitor from one's +own gates; and probably a great many would have come with condolences. +Finally, at Ploszow there existed already a mysterious, heavy +atmosphere, in which my efforts to give the conversation a light and +cheerful turn appeared unnatural. I suppose this cannot be avoided +even here, but Aniela's mind will be occupied with hundreds of little +sensations, and be less observant of any slight changes in her +surroundings than she would be at Ploszow. She will not go out often, +and never alone. The doctor orders exercise, but I have found means +for that. Beyond the stables there is a good-sized garden with a +wooden gallery near the wall. I will have it glazed, and in bad +weather Aniela can walk there. It is a terrible strain, this continual +anxiety hanging over our heads. + + +15 November. + +How did it happen? How the slightest suspicion could have entered +her head I cannot understand. And yet it is there. To-day, during +breakfast, she suddenly raised her eyes, looked inquiringly at all of +us in turn and said:-- + +"I cannot quite make it out, but I am under the impression that you +are concealing something from me." + +I felt myself growing pale,--Pani Celina behaved most fatally; only +the dear old aunt did not lose her presence of mind and at once began +to scold Aniela:-- + +"Of course we are hiding something, and did not like to tell you +that we consider that little head of yours a foolish one. Leon said +yesterday that you would never learn to play chess, as you had no idea +about combination." + +I breathed more easily, and getting hold of the clue began to make fun +of her. Aniela seemed satisfied for the moment, but I am quite +certain that we have not dispersed her suspicion, and that even my +cheerfulness may have seemed artificial to her. My aunt and Pani +Celina were thoroughly frightened, and I was in despair; for I saw +how fruitless would be our endeavors so keep the thing from her +altogether. I fancy that Aniela suspects we are keeping from her some +bad news about her husband's financial affairs; but what will she +think if week after week passes and she does not get any letters from +him? What can we tell her; how explain the silence? + +Towards noon the doctor came. We told him what had happened, and he +repeated what he had said before, that it would be better to let her +know the truth. + +"Naturally Pani Kromitzka will be getting anxious at not receiving any +letters, and thence will draw the worst conclusions." + +I still tried to avoid extreme measures and said that this anxiety +would prepare her mind for the news. + +"Yes," replied the doctor, "but anxiety prepares the organism badly +for an ordeal which even under more favorable circumstances would not +be an easy thing to bear." + +Perhaps he is right, but my heart quakes with terror. Everything has +its limits, and so has human courage There is something within me that +protests desperately against this, and I am afraid of the voice which +says, "No." + +The ladies have almost made up their minds to tell her to-morrow. I +will have nothing to do with it. I had no idea one could be afraid to +such an extent. But it is a question concerning her. + + +16 November. + +All was well until evening, when suddenly hemorrhage set in. And I +had said no! It is three o'clock at night. She has fallen asleep. The +doctor is with her. I must be calm--I must. It is necessary for her +that somebody in the house should preserve his presence of mind--I +must. + + +17 November + +The doctor says that the first phase of illness is progressing +according to rules. What does that mean? Does it mean that she will +die? The fever is not very great. This seems to be always so the first +two days. She is quite conscious, feels out of sorts and very weak, +but suffers little. The doctor prepared us to expect that the fever +would increase gradually up to forty degrees; there will be great +pains, sickness, and swelling of the feet--that is what he promises! + +Let there be at once also the end of the world! O God! if that is to +be my punishment, I swear I will go away, never to see her again in +life,--only save her! + + +18 November. + +I have not seen her. I sit at her door almost bereft of my senses; but +I do not go in, because I am afraid that the sight of me will make her +worse and increase the fever. At times a horrible idea crosses my mind +that I am going mad and might kill Aniela in a fit of insanity. That +is the reason I force myself to write, for it seems to me that it is +the best way of keeping my senses under control. + + +19 November. + +I heard her voice and her moans through the door. In that illness the +suffering is terrible. According to the doctor it is the usual sign, +but to me it seems blind cruelty! My aunt says she clings round her +neck and her mother's and asks them for help. And nothing can be done, +nothing! Continual sickness, the pains are increasing, the feet are +quite swollen. The doctor says nothing, but that it may turn out all +right, or may end badly. I know that without him! The fever is at +forty degrees. She is always conscious. + + +20 November. + +I know it now. Nobody told me, but I know for certain that she is +going to die. I have all my senses under control, I am even calm. +Aniela will die! Last night, sitting at her door, I saw it as clearly +as I now see the sunlight. A man in a certain condition of mind sees +things which other people with less concentrated minds cannot see. +Towards morning something passed within me which made me see how it +would end; it was as if a veil had been torn from my eyes and brain. +Nothing now can save Aniela. I know it better than all the doctors. +And that is the reason why I do not resist any longer. What good can +it do either to her or to me? The sentence has been pronounced. I +should be blind if I did not perceive that some power as strong as the +universe is parting us. What this power is, what it is called, I do +not know. I know only that if I knelt down, beat my head on the floor, +prayed, and cried out for mercy, I might move a mountain sooner than +move that power. As nothing now could part me from Aniela but death, +she must die. This may be very logical, but I do not consent to part +from her. + + +21 November. + +Aniela wished to see me. My aunt took everybody out of the room, +thinking she wanted to recommend her mother to my care, and this was +really the case. I saw my beloved, the soul of my life. She is always +conscious her eyes are very bright and her mental faculties excited. +The pain has almost ceased. All traces of her former state have +disappeared, and her face is like an angel's. She smiled at me, and I +smiled back. Since yesterday I know what is awaiting me, and it seems +to me as if I were dead already; therefore I am calm. Taking my hand +in hers, she began to speak about her mother, then looked at me as if +she wished to see as much as she could of me before her eyes closed +forever, and said:-- + +"Do not be afraid, Leon,--I feel much better; but in case anything +should happen to me I wanted to leave you something to remember me by. +Perhaps I ought not to say it so soon after my husband's death; but +as I might die, I wanted to tell you now that I loved you very, very +much." + +I replied to her: "I know it, dearest;" and I held her hand and we +looked into each other's eyes. For the first time in her life she +smiled at me as my betrothed wife. And I wedded her by vows stronger +and more lasting than earthly vows. We were happy at this moment +though overshadowed by a sadness as strong as death left her only when +we were told the priest had come. She had prepared me for his coming, +and asked me not to grieve at it; she had sent for him, not because +she thought she was dying, but that it might do her good and set her +mind at rest. + +When the priest had left I went back to her. After so many sleepless +nights she was tired and fell asleep she is sleeping now. When she +wakes up I will not leave her again until she falls asleep again. + + +22 November. + +She is very much better. Pani Celina is beside herself with joy. I am +the only one who knows what it is. There was no need for the doctor to +tell me that it means paralysis of the bowels. + + +23 November. + +Aniela died this morning. + + +ROME, 5 December. + +I might have been your happiness, and became your misfortune. I am the +cause of your death, for if I had been a different man, if I had not +been wanting in all principles, all foundations of life, there would +not have come upon you the shocks that killed you. I understood that +in the last moments of your life, and I promised myself I would follow +you. I vowed it at your dying bed, and my only duty is now near you. + +To your mother I leave my fortune; my aunt I leave to Christ, in whose +love she will find consolation in her declining years, and I follow +you--because I must. Do you think I am not afraid of death? I am +afraid because I do not know what there is, and see only darkness +without end; which makes me recoil. I do not know whether there +be nothingness, or existence without space and time; perhaps some +midplanetary wind carries the spiritual monad from star to star to +implant it in an ever-renewing existence. I do not know whether there +be immense restlessness, or a peace so perfect as only Omnipotence and +Love can bestow on us. But since you have died through my "I do not +know," how could I remain here--and live? + +The more I fear, the more I do not know,--the more I cannot let you go +alone; I cannot, Aniela mine,--and I follow. Together we shall sink +into nothingness, or together begin a new life; and here below where +we have suffered let us be buried in oblivion. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WITHOUT DOGMA*** + + +******* This file should be named 11686-8.txt or 11686-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/6/8/11686 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Without Dogma + +Author: Henryk Sienkiewicz + +Release Date: March 23, 2004 [eBook #11686] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WITHOUT DOGMA*** + + +E-text prepared by Charles Aldarondo, Tim Koeller, and Project Gutenberg +Distributed Proofreaders + + + +WITHOUT DOGMA. + +A NOVEL OF MODERN POLAND. + +BY + +HENRYK SIENKIEWICZ + +AUTHOR OF +"WITH FIRE AND SWORD," "THE DELUGE," "QUO VADIS," ETC. + +TRANSLATED FROM THE POLISH BY + +IZA YOUNG. + +1893 + + + + + + +"A man who leaves memoirs, whether well or badly written, provided +they be sincere, renders a service to future psychologists and +writers, giving them not only a faithful picture of the times, but +likewise human documents that can be relied upon." + + + + +PUBLISHER'S PREFACE + + +In "WITHOUT DOGMA" we have a remarkable work, by a writer known +only in this country through his historical novels; and a few words +concerning this novel and its author may not be without interest. + +Readers of Henryk Sienkiewicz in America, who have known him only +through Mr. Curtin's fine, strong translations, will be surprised to +meet with a production so unlike "Fire and Sword," and "The Deluge," +that on first reading one can scarcely believe it to be from the pen +of the great novelist. + +"Fire and Sword," "The Deluge," and "Pan Michael" (now in press) form, +so to speak, a Polish trilogy. They are, first and last, Polish in +sentiment, nationality, and patriotism. What Wagner did for Germany in +music, what Dumas did for France, and Scott for all English-speaking +people, the great Pole has achieved for his own country in literature. +Even to those most unfamiliar with her history, it grows life-like and +real as it speaks to us from the pages of these historical romances. +Only a very great genius can unearth the dusty chronicles of past +centuries, and make its men and women live and breathe, and speak to +us. These historical characters are not mere shadows, puppets, or +nullities, but very real men and women, our own flesh and blood. + +His warriors fight, love, hate; they embrace each other; they laugh; +they weep in each other's arms; give each other sage counsels, with a +truly Homeric simplicity. They are deep-versed in stratagems of love +and war, these Poles of the seventeenth century! They have their +Nestor, their Agamemnon, their great Achilles sulking in his tent. +Oddly enough, at times they grow very familiar to us, and in spite of +their Polish titles and faces, and a certain tenderness of nature that +is almost feminine, they seem to have good, stout, Saxon stuff in +them. Especially where the illustrious knights recount their heroic +deeds there is a Falstaffian strut in their performance, and there +runs riot a Falstaffian imagination truly sublime. + +Yet, be it observed, however much in all this is suggestive of the +literature of other races and ages, these characters never cease for a +moment to be Poles. Here is a vast, moving panorama spread before us; +across it pass mighty armies; hetman and banneret go by; the scene +is full of stir, life, action. It is constantly changing, so that +at times we are almost bewildered, attempting to follow the quick +succession of events. We are transported in a moment from the din +and uproar of a beleaguered town to the awful solitude of the vast +steppes,--yet it is always the Polish Commonwealth that the novelist +paints for us, and beneath every other music rises the wild Slavic +music, rude, rhythmical, and sad. + +There is, too, a background against which these pictures paint +themselves, and it reminds us not a little of Verestchagin,--the same +deep feeling for nature, and a certain sadness that seems inseparable +from the Russian and Lithuanian temperaments, tears following closely +upon mirth. At times, after incident upon incident of war, the reader +is tempted to exclaim, "Something too much of this!" Yet nowhere, +perhaps, except from the great canvases of Verestchagin, has there +ever come a more awful, powerful plea for peace than from the pages of +"Fire and Sword." + +In "Without Dogma" is presented quite another theme, treated in a +fashion strikingly different. In the historical novels the stage +is crowded with personages. In "Without Dogma," the chief interest +centres in a single character. This is not a battle between contending +armies, but the greater conflict that goes on in silence,--the battle +of a man for his own soul. + +He can scarcely be considered an heroic character; he is to some +extent the creature of circumstances, the fine product of a +highly complex culture and civilization. He regards himself as a +nineteenth-century Hamlet, and for him not merely the times, but his +race and all mankind, are out of joint. He is not especially Polish +save by birth; he is as little at home in Paris or at Rome as in +Warsaw. Set him down in any quarter of the globe and he would be +equally out of place. He folds the mantle of his pessimism about him. +Life has interested him purely as a spectacle, in which he plays no +part save a purely passive one. His relation to life is that of the +Greek chorus, passing across the stage, crying "Woe, woe!" + +Life has interested, entertained, and sometimes wearied him. He muses, +philosophizes, utters the most profound observations upon life, art, +and the mystery of things. He puts mankind and himself upon the +dissecting-table. + +Here is a nature so sensitive that it photographs every impression, +an artistic temperament, a highly endowed organism; yet it produces +nothing. The secret of this unproductiveness lies perhaps in a certain +tendency to analyze and philosophize away every strong emotion that +should lead to action. Here is a man in possession of two distinct +selves,--the one emotional, active; the other eternally occupied in +self-contemplation, judgment, and criticism. The one paralyzes the +other. He defines himself as "a genius without a portfolio," just as +there are certain ministers-of-state without portfolios. + +In such a character many of us will find just enough of ourselves to +make its weaknesses distasteful to us. We resent, just because +we recognize the truth of the picture. Leon Ploszowski belongs +unmistakably to our own times. His doubts and his dilettanteism are +our own. His fine aesthetic sense, his pessimism, his self-probings, +his weariness, his overstrung nerves, his whole philosophy of +negation,--these are qualities belonging to this century, the outcome +of our own age and culture. + +If this were all the book offers us one might well wonder why it +was written. But its real interest centres in the moment when the +cultivated pessimist "without dogma" discovers that the strongest and +most genuine emotion of his life is its love for another man's wife. +It is an old theme; certainly two thirds of our modern French novels +deal with it; we know exactly how the conventional, respectable +British novel would handle it. But here is a treatment, bold, +original, and unconventional. The character of the woman stands out in +splendid contrast to the man's. Its simplicity, strength, truth, and +faith are the antidote for his doubt and weakness. Her very weakness +becomes her strength. Her dogmatism saves him. + +The background of the book, its lesser incidents, are thoroughly +artistic, its ending masterly in its brevity and pathos; here again is +the distinguishing mark of genius, the power of condensation. The man +who has philosophized and speculated now writes the tragedy of +his life in four words: "Aniela died this morning." This is the +culmination towards which his whole life has been moving; the rest is +foregone conclusion, and matters but little. + +One sees throughout the book the strong influence that other minds, +Shakespeare notably, have produced upon this mind; here its attitude +is never merely pessimistic. It does not criticise them, it has +absorbed them. + +One last word concerning this novel. It does not seek to formulate, or +to preach directly. Its chief value and the keynote to its motive lie +in the words that Sienkiewicz at the beginning puts into the mouth of +his hero:-- + +"A man who leaves memoirs, whether well or badly written, provided +they be sincere, renders a service to future psychologists and +writers, giving them not only a faithful picture, but likewise _human +documents_ that may be relied upon." + +A _human document_--the modern novel is this, when it is anything at +all. If Mr. Crawford's canons of literary art are true, and we believe +they are, they give us a standard by which to judge; he tells us that +the heart in each man and woman means the whole body of innate and +inherited instincts, impulses, and beliefs, which, when quiescent, we +call Self, when roused to emotional activity, we call Heart. It is to +this self, or heart, he observes, that whatever is permanent in the +novel must appeal; and whatever does so must live and find a hearing +with humanity "so long as humanity is human." If this be a test, we +cannot doubt as to what will be the reception of "Without Dogma." + +A few words concerning the novelist himself. The facts obtainable +are of the most meagre kind. He was born in 1845, in Lithuania. The +country itself, its natural and strongly religious and political +influences, its melancholy, seem to have left their strong, lasting +impression upon him. He has a passionate fondness for the Lithuanian, +and paints him and his surroundings most lovingly. + +His student days were spent at Warsaw. He devoted himself afterward to +literature, writing at first under a pseudonym. He does not seem to +have won immediate recognition. He spent some years in California; +a series of articles published in this connection in a Polish paper +brought him into notice. + +In 1880, various novelettes and sketches of his production were +published in three volumes. + +In 1884 were given to the Polish public the three historical novels +which immediately gave their author the foremost place in Polish +literature. It is a matter of pride that the first translation of +these great works into English is the work of an American, and offered +to the American public. + +He is a prolific writer, and it would be impossible to attempt to give +even the names of all his minor sketches and romances. Some of them +have been translated into German, but much has been lost in the +translation. + +Sienkiewicz is still a contributor to journalistic literature. He has +travelled much, and is a citizen of the world. He is equally at home +in the Orient or the West, by the banks of the Dnieper, or beside the +Nile. Probably there is scarcely a corner of Poland that he has not +explored. He depicts no type of life that has not actually come under +his own observation. The various social strata of his own country, the +condition of its peasantry, the marked contrast between the simplicity +of that life and the culture of the ecclesiastic and aristocratic +bodies, the religious, poetic, artistic temperament of the +people,--all these he paints in a life-like fashion, but always as an +artist. + +So much of the writer. Of the man Sienkiewicz there is little to +be obtained. Like all great creative geniuses, he is so completely +identified with his work that even while his personality lives in +his creations it eludes them. He offers us no confidences concerning +himself, no opinions or prejudices. He does not divert the reader with +personalities. He sets before us certain groups of men and women, whom +certainly he knows and loves, and has lived among. He sets them in +motion; they become living, breathing creations; they assume relations +in time and space; they speak and act for themselves. If there be a +prompter he remains always behind the scenes. Admire or criticise or +love the actors as you will, you cannot for a moment doubt that they +are alive. + +This is the supreme miracle of genius,--the fine union of dramatic +instinct, the aesthetic sense, and an intense, vital realism; not the +realism of the cesspool or the morgue, but the realism of the earth +and sky, and of healthy human nature. We are inclined to believe that +Henryk Sienkiewicz has answered an often discussed question that has +much exercised the keenly critical intellect of this age. One school +of thought cries out, "Let us have life as it is. Paint anything, but +draw it as it is. Let the final test of all literary works be, 'Is it +real and true?'" + +To the romantic school quite another class of ideas appeals; to it +much of the so-called realistic literature seems very bad, or merely +"weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable." The profoundest utterances of +realism do not impress it much in themselves. It insists that art has +something to say to literature, that in this field as elsewhere +holds good the law of natural selection of types and survival of the +fittest. + +While each school has its down-sittings and up-risings, its supporters +and its critics, neither school has yet exhausted the possibilities of +literature. The novel's aim is to depict Life, and life is neither all +romance nor all realism, but a curious mixture of both. Man is neither +a beast nor a celestial being, but a compound. Though he can crawl, +and may have clinging to him certain brute instincts that may be +the relics of his anthropoidal days, he has also, thank God, divine +desires and discontents, and certain rudimentary wings. And neither +school alone is competent to paint him as he is. The author of "La +Bete Humaine" fails as completely as the visionary A Kempis. Neither +realism nor romance alone will ever with its small plummet sound to +its depths the human heart or its mystery; yet from the union of the +two much perhaps might come. + +We believe that just here lies the value of the novels of Henryk +Sienkiewicz. He has worked out the problem of the modern novel so as +to satisfy the most ardent realist, but he has worked it out upon +great and broadly human lines. For him facts are facts indeed; but +facts have souls as well as bodies. His genius is analytic, but also +imaginative and constructive; it is not forever going upon botanizing +excursions. He paints things and thoughts human. + +The greatest genius assimilates unconsciously the best with which +it comes in contact, and by a subtle chemistry of its own makes new +combinations. Shakespeare, Dante, Goethe, and the realists, as well as +all the forces of nature, have helped to make Henryk Sienkiewicz; yet +he is not any one of them. He is never merely imitative. Originality +and imaginative fire, a style vivid and strong, large humor, a +profound pathos, a strong feeling for nature, and a deep reverence +for the forms and the spirit of religion, the breath of the true +cosmopolitan united with the intense patriotism of the Pole, a great +creative genius,--these are the most striking qualities of the work of +this modern novelist, who has married Romance to Realism. + + * * * * * + + + + +WITHOUT DOGMA. + + +ROME, 9 January. + +Some months ago I met my old friend and school-fellow, Jozef +Sniatynski, who for the last few years has occupied a prominent place +among our literary men. In a discussion about literature Sniatynski +spoke about diaries. He said that a man who leaves memoirs, whether +well or badly written, provided they be sincere, renders a service +to future psychologists and writers, giving them not only a faithful +picture of the times, but likewise human documents that can be relied +upon. He seemed to think that most likely the novel of the future +would take the form of diary; finally he asserted that anybody who +keeps a diary works for the common good, and does a meritorious thing. + +I am thirty-five, and do not remember ever having done anything for my +country, for the reason, maybe, that after leaving the University, my +life, with slight intervals, was spent abroad. This fact, so lightly +touched upon, has given me, in spite of all my scepticism, many a +bitter pang; therefore I resolved to follow my friend's advice. If +this indeed means work, with some kind of merit in it, I will try to +be of some use in this way. + +I intend to be perfectly sincere. I enter upon the task, not only +because of the above-mentioned reasons, but also because the idea +pleases me. Sniatynski says that if a man gets accustomed to put down +his thoughts and impressions it becomes gradually one of the most +delightful occupations of his life. If it should prove the contrary, +then the Lord have mercy on my diary; it would snap asunder like a +string too tightly drawn. I am ready to do much for my community; but +to bore myself for its sake, oh, no! I could not do it. + +Nevertheless, I am resolved not to be discouraged by first +difficulties, and shall give it a fair trial. "Do not adopt any style; +do not write from a literary point of view," says Sniatynski. Easier +said than done. I fully understand that the greater the writer, the +less he writes in a purely literary style; but I am a _dilettante_, +and have no command over any style. I know from experience that to one +who thinks much and feels deeply, it often seems that he has only +to put down his thoughts and feelings in order to produce something +altogether out of the common; yet as soon as he sets to work he falls +into a certain mannerism of style and common phraseology; his thoughts +do not come spontaneously, and one might almost say that it is not the +mind that directs the pen, but the pen leads the mind into common, +empty artificiality. I am afraid of this for myself, for if I am +wanting in eloquence, literary simplicity, or picturesqueness, I am +not wanting in good taste, and my own style might become distasteful +to myself, and thereby render my task impossible. But this I shall see +later on. I begin my diary with a short introductory autobiography. + +My name is Leon Ploszowski, and I am, as I said before, thirty-five +years of age. I come from a wealthy family which has been able to +preserve its fortune. As to myself I shall not increase it, and at the +same time I am not likely to squander it. My position is such that +there is no necessity for me to enter into competition with struggling +humanity. As to expensive and ruinous pleasures, I am a sceptic who +knows how much they are worth, or rather, knows that they are not +worth anything. + +My mother died a week after I was born. My father, who loved her +more than his life, became affected with melancholia. Even after he +recovered from this, at Vienna, he did not wish to return to his +estates, as the memories associated with them rent his very soul; he +left Ploszow under the care of his sister, my aunt, and betook himself +in the year 1848 to Rome, which, during thirty-odd years, he never +left once, so as to be near my mother's tomb. I forgot to mention that +he brought her remains to Rome, and buried her on the Campo Santo. + +We have our own house on the Babuino, called Casa Osoria, from our +coat of arms. It looks more like a museum than anything else, as +my father possesses no mean collections, especially from the early +Christian times. In these collections his whole life is now absorbed. +As a young man, he was very brilliant in appearance as well as in +mind; his wealth and name added to this, all roads were open to him, +and consequently great things were expected from him. I know this from +his fellow-students at Berlin. He was deeply absorbed in the study of +philosophy, and it was generally believed his name would rank with +such as Cieszkowski, Libelt, and others. Society, and his being a +favorite in female circles, diverted him somewhat from scientific +studies. In society he was known by the nickname of "Leon +l'Invincible." In spite of his social success he did not neglect his +philosophical researches, and everybody expected that some day he +would electrify the world with a great work, and make his name +illustrious. They were disappointed in their expectations. + +Of the once so beautiful appearance there still remains up to this day +one of the finest and noblest heads. Artists are of the same opinion, +and not long ago one of them remarked that it would be difficult to +find a more perfect type of a patrician head. As to his +scientific career, my father is and remains a cultured and gifted +nobleman-dilettante. I almost believe dilettantism to be the fate of +all Ploszowskis, to which I will refer later on, when I come to +write about myself. As to my father, there is in his desk a yellow +manuscript about Triplicity in Nature. I perused it, and it did not +interest me. I only remember a comparison between the transcendental +belief of Christianity in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and +the natural triplicity of oxygen, hydrogen, and ozone, with many other +analogous triplicities from absolute truth, goodness, and beauty, +to the syllogism of the minor premise, the major premise, and the +conclusion,--a quaint mixture of Hegel and Hoene-Wronski, and utterly +useless. I am quite convinced that my father did not intend to have +it published, if only for the reason that speculative philosophy had +failed in him even before it was set aside by the world. The reason +for this failure was the death of my mother. My father, who in spite +of his nickname, "Leon l'Invincible," and reputation of conqueror of +hearts, was a man of deep feelings and simply worshipped my mother, +put many terrible questions to his philosophy, and not obtaining +either answer or comfort, recognized its utter emptiness in the +presence of a great sorrow. This must have been an awful tragedy of +his life, since it almost shattered its foundations,--the brain +and heart. His mind became affected, as I said before, and when he +recovered he went back to his religious convictions. I was told that +at one time he prayed night and day, knelt down in the street when he +passed a church, and was carried away by his religious fervor to such +an extent that he was looked upon by some as a madman, by others as a +saint. It was evident he found more consolation in this than in his +philosophical triplicities, for he gradually calmed down and began +to lead a more rational life. His heart, with all his power for +affection, turned towards me, and his aesthetic bent found employment +in the study of early Christianity. The lofty, restless mind wanted +nourishment. After his first year in Rome he took up archaeology, and +by dint of hard study acquired a thorough knowledge of the antique. + +Father Calvi, my first tutor and at the same time a great judge of +Roman antiquities, gave him the final impulse towards investigation of +the Eternal City. Some fifteen years ago my father became acquainted +and subsequently on terms of friendship with the great Rossi, in +whose company he spent whole days in the catacombs. Thanks to his +extraordinary gifts he soon acquired such consummate knowledge of Rome +as to astonish Rossi himself. Several times he began writing treatises +on the subject, but never finished what he had begun. Maybe the +completion of his collections took up too much of his time, but most +likely the reason he will not leave anything behind him except his +collections is that he did not confine himself to one epoch or any +specialty in his researches. Gradually mediaeval Rome began to +fascinate him as much as the first era of Christianity. There was a +time when his mind was full of Orsinis and Colonnas; after that he +approached the Renaissance, and was fairly captivated by it. From +inscriptions, tombs, and the first traces of Christian architecture he +passed to nearer times; from the Byzantine paintings to Fiesole +and Giotto, from these to artists of the fourteenth and fifteenth +centuries, and so on; he fell in love with statues and pictures; his +collections certainly increased, but the great work in Polish +about the three Romes remained forever in the land of unfulfilled +intentions. + +As to these collections my father has a singular idea. He wants to +bequeath them to Rome under the condition they should be placed in +a separate gallery named after him, "Museum Osoria Ploszowski." Of +course his wishes will be respected. I only wonder why my father +believes that in doing this he will be more useful to his community +than by sending them to his own country. + +Not long ago he said to me: "You perceive that scarcely anybody there +would see them, and very few derive any benefit, whereas here the +whole world can study them, and every individual that benefits thereby +carries the benefit to other communities." It does not befit me to +analyze how much family pride and the thought of having his name +engraved in marble in the Eternal City has to do with the whole +scheme. I almost think that such must be the case. As to myself, I +am perfectly indifferent where the collections are to remain. But my +aunt, to whom by the bye I am shortly going to pay a visit at Warsaw, +is very indignant at the idea of leaving the collections out of the +country, and as, with her, thought and speech go always together, she +expresses her indignation in every letter. Some years ago she was at +Rome, and they wrangled every day over the matter, and would have +quarrelled outright had not the affection she has towards me subdued +her temper. + +My aunt is older than my father by several years. When my father, +after his great sorrow, left the country, he gave up the Ploszow +estate to her, and took instead the ready capital. My aunt has managed +the property for thirty years, and manages it perfectly. She is of a +rather uncommon character, therefore I will devote to her a few lines. +At the age of twenty she was betrothed to a young man who died in +exile just when my aunt was about to follow him abroad. From that time +forth she refused all offers of marriage and remained an old maid. +After my mother's death she went with my father to Vienna and +Rome, where she lived with him, surrounding him with the tenderest +affections, which she subsequently transferred to me. She is, in the +full meaning of the word, _une grande dame_, somewhat of an autocrat, +haughty and outspoken, with that self-possession wealth and a high +position give, but withal the very essence of goodness and kindliness. +Under the cover of abrupt manners she has an excellent and lenient +disposition, loving not only her own family, as for instance my father +and myself and her own household, but mankind in general. She is so +virtuous that really I do not know whether there be any merit in +it, as she could not be otherwise if she tried. Her charities are +proverbial. She orders poor people about like a constable, and tends +them like a Saint Vincent de Paul. She is very religious. No doubts +whatever assail her mind. What she does, she does from unshaken +principles, and therefore never hesitates in the choice of ways and +means. Therefore she is always at peace with herself and very happy. +At Warsaw they call my aunt, on account of her abrupt manners, _le +bourreau bienfaisant_. Some people, especially among women, dislike +her, but generally speaking she lives in peace with all classes. + +Ploszow is not far from Warsaw, where my aunt owns a house in which +she spends the winter. Every winter she tries to inveigle me there in +the hope to see me married. Even now I received a mysteriously worded +missive adjuring me to come at once. I shall have to go, as I have not +seen her for some time. She writes that she is getting old and wishes +to see me before she dies. I confess I do not always feel inclined to +go. I know that my aunt's dearest wish is to see me married, therefore +every visit brings her a cruel disappointment. The very idea of such a +decisive step frightens me. To begin a new life when I am so tired +of the old one! Finally, there is another vexatious element in my +relations with my aunt. As formerly my father's friends looked upon +him as a genius, so she persists in regarding me as one exceptionally +gifted, from whom great things are to be expected. To allow her to +remain of this opinion seems an abuse of her good faith; to tell +her that nothing is to be expected from me would be a more likely +conclusion, but at the same time inflict upon the dear old lady a +cruel blow. + +To my misfortune many of those near me share my aunt's opinion, and +this brings me to the point of drawing a sketch of my own character, +which is by no means an easy task, as my nature is rather a +complicated one. + +I brought with me into the world very sensitive nerves, nerves +perfected by the culture of generations. During the first years of my +childhood I remained under the care of my aunt; after her departure, +according to the custom of our country, a nursery governess was +engaged for me. As we lived in Rome, among foreign surroundings, and +my father wished me to be well grounded in my own language, he engaged +a Polish governess. She is still with us as housekeeper at Babuino. +My father also bestowed some pains upon me, especially after my fifth +year. I used to go to his room to talk with him, and this developed my +mind prodigiously, too much so perhaps for my age. Later on, when his +studies and archaeologic researches took up his whole time, he engaged +a tutor, Father Calvi. This was an old man, with a mind and faith +exceedingly serene. He loved art beyond everything. I believe religion +even reacted upon him through its beauty. In the galleries before the +old masters, or listening to the music in the Sistine Chapel, he lost +himself altogether. There was nothing pagan in these feelings, as they +were not based upon sybaritism or sensual enjoyment. Father Calvi +loved art with the pure, serene feeling as maybe a Da Fiesole, a +Cimabue, or Giotto loved it. And he loved in all humility, as he +himself had no gifts that way. I could not say which of the fine arts +he loved best, but I believe he leaned mostly towards harmony, which +responded to the harmony of his own mind. + +Whenever I think of Father Calvi, I am reminded at the same time of +the old man that stands beside Raphael's Saint Cecilia listening +intently to the music of the spheres. + +Between my father and the priest sprang up a friendship which lasted +unto the latter's death. It was he who confirmed my father in his +archaeologic researches, especially about Rome. There was another +bond between these two,--their love for me. Both considered me as an +exceptionally gifted child, and of a God knows what promising future. +It strikes me at times that I formed for them a kind of harmony,--a +rounding of and completion to the world in which they lived; and they +loved me with the same absorbing passion with which they loved Rome +and its antiquities. Such an atmosphere, such surroundings, could not +fail to impress my mind. I was brought up in an original way. With +my tutor,--sometimes with my father,--I visited galleries, museums, +villas, ruins, catacombs, and the environs of Rome. Father Calvi was +equally sensitive to the beauties of nature and to those of art, and +taught me at an early age to understand poetic melancholy. The Roman +Campagna, the harmony of the arch-line on the sky of the arches in the +ruined aqueducts, the fine tracery of the pines,--I understood all +this before I could read or had mastered the first rudiments of +arithmetic. I was able to set English tourists right to whom the names +of Carracci and Caravaggio caused confusion. I learned Latin early and +without effort, from being familiar with the Italian language. I +gave my opinion about Italian and foreign masters,--which, however +unsophisticated, made both my father and my tutor look at each other +in astonishment. I did not like Ribera,--there was too great a +contrast of color in his pictures, and he frightened me a little; but +I liked Carlo Dolce. In short, my tutor, my father, and his friends +considered me a very prodigy; I heard myself praised, and it flattered +my vanity. But, all the same, it was not the healthiest of educations; +and my nervous system, developed too early, always remained very +sensitive. It seems strange that these influences were neither so deep +nor so lasting as might have been expected. That I did not become an +artist is owing, may be, to a lack of gifts that way,--although my +drawing and music masters opined differently; but how was it that +neither my father nor the priest was able to imbue me with that +love of art for art's sake? Have I a feeling for art? Yes. Is art a +necessity of my life? Yes, again. But they loved it; I only feel it as +a _dilettante_; it is a necessity in so far as it complements every +kind of pleasant and delightful sensation. It is one of my delights, +but not an all-absorbing passion; I should not like to live without +it, but could not devote my whole life to it. + +As the schools at Rome left much to be desired, my father sent me to +a college in Metz, where I carried off honors and prizes with very +little effort. A year before the last term, I ran away to join Don +Carlos, and with Tristan's detachment wandered for some time about +the Pyrenees; until my father, with the help of the consul in Burgos, +found me, and I was sent back to Metz to be duly punished. The penalty +was not a heavy one, as my father and the teachers were secretly proud +of my escapade. A brilliant success at the examinations quickly earned +me a full absolution. + +Among my schoolfellows, whose sympathies were naturally with Don +Carlos, I henceforth passed as a hero; and as I was at the same time +one of the foremost pupils, my position as the first at school was +beyond dispute. I was growing up with the conviction that later on, in +a larger sphere, it would be the same. This opinion was shared by +my teachers and schoolfellows; and yet the fact is that many of my +schoolfellows who at one time would not have dreamed of competing with +me, occupy to-day in France high places in literary, scientific, and +political spheres; whereas I, had I to choose a profession, should +feel considerably perplexed. My social position is excellent. I +possess independent means from my mother's side, shall inherit my +father's fortune in time to come, and administer the Ploszow estate +more or less wisely, as the case may be; but the very limitation +of the work excludes all hope of distinguishing myself in life, or +playing any prominent part in it. + +I shall never be a great administrator or agriculturist; for though I +do not mean to shirk my duties, I could not devote my whole life to +them,--for the simple reason that my aspirations aim much higher. +Sometimes I ask myself whether we Ploszowskis do not delude ourselves +as to our abilities. But if such were the case, the delusion would be +only personal; other people, strangers, could not be deceived in the +same way. Besides, I know that my father is an extraordinarily gifted +man. As to myself, I will not enter more fully on the subject, as it +might appear mere boastfulness; nevertheless I have the conviction +that I could be something infinitely greater than I am. + +For instance, at Warsaw (my father and my aunt wished me to enter the +university there) Sniatynski and I were fellow-students. We both were +drawn towards literature, and tried our hand at it. I do not say I was +looked upon as the more gifted of the two, but the truth is that my +work then was considered better and more promising than Sniatynski's. +Sniatynski has for some years past occupied a prominent position in +literature, and I am still the greatly promising Pan Ploszowski, of +whom here and there people are wont to say: "If he would only take up +something!" + +Ah! there is the rub,--"if he would!" But they do not seem to take it +into account that one has to know how to will. I thought sometimes +that if I had no means of subsistence I should have to work. Certainly +I should have to do something in order to earn my bread; but even +then I am firmly convinced I should not derive the twentieth part of +advantage from my capacities. Besides, such men as Darwin or Buckle +were rich; Sir John Lubbock is a banker; most of the known men in +France are in easy circumstances. This proves that wealth is not a +hindrance, but rather a help towards attaining a proper standing in +the chosen field of labor. I confess that, as far as I am concerned, +it has done me some service, as it preserved my character from many a +crookedness poverty might have exposed it to. I do not mean by this +that I have a weak character,--although struggle for existence might +have made it stronger; but still I maintain that the less stony the +road, the less chance of a fall. It is not owing to constitutional +laziness, either, that I am a nullity. I possess alike a great +facility for acquiring knowledge, and a desire for it; I read much, +and have a good memory. Perhaps I could not summon energy enough for a +long, slow work, but the greater facility ought to serve instead; and +besides, there is no urgent necessity for me to write encyclopedias, +like Littre. He who cannot shine with the steady light of a sun +might at least dazzle as a meteor. But oh! that nothingness of the +past,--the most probable nothingness of the future! I am growing +peevish--and tired; and will leave off writing for to-day. + + +ROME, 10 January. + +Last night, at Count Malatesta's reception, I heard by chance these +two words: "l'improductivite Slave." I experienced the same relief as +does a nervous patient when the physician tells him that his symptoms +are common enough, and that many others suffer from the same disease. +I have many fellow-sufferers, not only among other Slavs, a race which +I know but imperfectly, but in my own country. I thought about that +"improductivite Slave" all night. He had his wits about him who summed +the thing up in two words. There is something in us,--an incapacity to +give forth all that is in us. One might say, God has given us bow and +arrow, but refused us the power to string the bow and send the arrow +straight to its aim. I should like to discuss it with my father, but +am afraid to touch a sore point. Instead of this, I will discuss it +with my diary. Perhaps it will be just the thing to give it any value. +Besides, what can be more natural than to write about what interests +me? Everybody carries within him his tragedy. Mine is this same +"improductivite slave" of the Ploszowskis. Not long ago, when +romanticism flourished in hearts and poetry, everybody carried his +tragedy draped around him as a picturesque cloak; now it is carried +still, but as a jaegervest next to the skin. But with a diary it is +different; with a diary one may be sincere. + + +ROME, 11 January. + +The few days which remain to me before my departure I will use in +retrospects of the past, until I come to note down day after day the +events of my present life. As I said before, I do not intend to +write an autobiography; who and what I am, my future life will show +sufficiently. I should not like to enter into minute details of the +past,--it is a kind of adding number to number, and a summing up. I +always hated the four rules of arithmetic, and especially the first. +But I want to have a general idea of the total, so as to have a +clearer view of myself. Therefore I go on with the mere outline. + +After having finished my studies at the university I went to an +agricultural school in France. The work there was easy enough, but it +had no special attraction for me. I did it as one who knows that this +special branch of knowledge will be useful to him, but at the same +time feels that he lowers himself to it and that it does not respond +either to his ambition or his faculties. I derived a twofold gain from +my sojourn there. Agriculture became to me familiar enough to protect +me from being cheated by any agents or bailiffs, and it strengthened +my frame so that it could withstand the life I later on led in Paris. + +The years following I spent either in Koine or in Paris, not to +mention short stays at Warsaw, where my aunt summoned me now and then +in order to introduce me to some special favorite of hers with a view +to matrimony. + +Paris and its life attracted me greatly. With the truly excellent +opinion I had then of myself, with more confidence in my intelligence +and the self-possession an independent position gives, I still played +a very unsophisticated part on this scene of the world. I began by +falling desperately in love with Mademoiselle Richemberg of the +Comedie Francaise, and absolutely insisted upon marrying her. I will +not dwell now upon the many tragicomic imbroglios, as I am partly +ashamed of those times, and partly inclined to laugh at them. Still +later on it happened that I took counterfeits for pure gold. The +French women, and for the matter of that, my own countrywomen, of +whatever class and in spite of all their virtues when young, remind me +of my fencing lessons. As the fencer has his hour of practice with the +foils so as to keep his hand in, so women practise with sentimental +foils. As a mere youth, fairly good looking, I was sometimes invited +to a passage of arms, and as I took the matter seriously, received +many a scratch. They were not mortal wounds and healed quickly. +Besides, everybody has to pay for his apprenticeship in this +world, especially in a world like that. My time of probation was, +comparatively speaking, a short one. Then came a period one might call +"la revanche." I paid back in the same coin, and if now and then I was +still taken in, it was with my eyes open to the fact. + +Myself of a good social standing, I came to know all shades of +society, from the old legitimist circles, where I was not a little +bored, to the new aristocracy created by the Bonapartes and the +Orleanists, representing the society, perhaps not of Paris, but let +us say, of _Nice_. Dumas the Younger, Sardou, and others, take +thence their counts, marquises, and princes, who, without historical +traditions, have titles and money in plenty, and whose principal aim +is to enjoy life. I frequented their salons mostly for the sake of +their female element. They are very subtle, the women there, with +highly strung nerves always in search for new pleasures, fresh +sensations, and truly void of any idealism. They are often as corrupt +as the novels they are reading, because their morality finds no +support either in religion or tradition. But it is a brilliant world +all the same. The hours of practice with the foils are so long +there that they look more like days and nights, and the weapons are +dangerous sometimes, as they are not blunted. There too I received a +few painful lessons until I got my hand in. It would be a sign of mere +vanity and still more of bad taste to write about my successes, and +I will only say this, that I tried to keep alive the tradition of my +father's youth. + +The lowest circles of this world slightly merge into the higher sphere +of the great _demi-monde._ This _demi-monde_ is far more dangerous +than appears on the surface because it is not in the least +commonplace. Its cynicism has a certain air of refinement and art. If +I did not leave many feathers there it must be because my beak had +acquired a certain curve and my claws had grown. Generally speaking of +the life in Paris, a man who has passed through that mill feels rather +exhausted, and what then of such as I, who leave only to go back +again? It is only later on in life we begin to understand that +triumphs like these are somewhat like the victories of Pyrrhus. My +naturally strong constitution withstood this life, but my nerves are +somewhat shattered. + +Paris, though, possesses one superiority over other centres of +civilization. I do not know of any other city in the world where the +elements of art, science, and all kinds of human ideas seem to float +in the air to be assimilated by the human brain. Almost unconsciously +it imbibes not only the newest ideas in the sphere of intellect, +but also loses some of its onesidedness, broadens out, becomes more +civilized. I say again, civilized, because in Italy, Germany, and +Poland, I met with brains and powerful brains too, but who would not +recognize any light but their own, so onesided and barbarian that for +one who did not want to sacrifice his own opinions, intercourse from +an intellectual point of view was simply impossible. + +In France and still more in Paris, similar manifestations have no +existence. As a running stream smoothes and polishes the pebbles, +rubbing them against each other, so the swift current of life rubs +off the angles from the human mind. It is obvious that under such +influences my mind became that of a civilized being, that can make due +allowance for other people's opinions; I do not utter peacock cries +when I hear of anything opposed to my views or something utterly new. +It may be that such leniency and tolerance of all opinions leads +finally to indifferentism and weakens the active principle in the +human mind, but I could not be different now. + +A certain mental current got hold of me and carried me along. If the +social circles, salons, boudoirs, and clubs took up a considerable +part of my time, they did not occupy it altogether. I made many +acquaintances in the literary and artistic world, and lived their +life, or rather I live it still. Prompted by innate curiosity I read +very much, and as I have the faculty of assimilating what I read, I +may say that I derived considerable benefit from it and am able to +keep step with every intellectual movement of the time. + +My consciousness of self is highly developed. At times I feel inclined +to send that second self to the devil, that self which does not permit +yielding to any sensation, but is always there, searching, criticising +every action, feeling, delight, or passion. "Know thyself" may be a +wise maxim, but to carry about one's self an ever watchful critic +deadens the feeling, dividing as it were your soul in two parts. To +exist in a state of mind like this is about as easy as for the bird +to fly with one wing. Besides, selfconsciousness too much developed +weakens the power of action. But for this, Hamlet would have made a +hole in his uncle in the first act, and with the greatest composure +taken possession of the throne. + +As far as I am concerned, it sometimes protects me or saves me +from heedless slips, yet more often tires me, preventing absolute +concentration upon one point of action. I carry within me two +beings,--the one that protests and criticises, the other leading only +half a life, losing gradually all power of decision. I am afraid I +shall never free myself from that yoke; on the contrary, the more my +mind expands, the more minute will be the knowledge of self, and even +on my deathbed I shall not leave off criticising the dying Ploszowski +unless disease has fogged my brain. + +I must have inherited from my father a synthetic mind, because I +always try to generalize matters, and for that reason science attracts +me more than philosophy. In my father's time philosophy embraced no +more nor less than the whole universe and all being; consequently +it had a ready answer for all questions. In our times it has become +rational in so far as to confess that it has ceased to exist in the +old meaning of the word and remains only as a philosophy of special +scientific branches. Truly, when I come to think of it it seems that +the human mind too has its tragedies, and it began by confessing its +own powerlessness. As I write a personal diary I will treat these +matters from a personal point of view. I am not a professed +philosopher, because I am nothing by profession; but as a thinking +being I am interested in the new philosophic movement; I have been +and am under its influence, and have a full right to speak about what +entered the composition, and contributed to the creation, of my moral +and intellectual being. + +To begin with, I note down that my religious belief I carried still +intact with me from Metz did not withstand the study of natural +philosophy. It does not follow that I am an atheist. Oh, no! This was +good enough in former times, when he who did not believe in spirit, +said to himself, "Matter," and that settled for him the question. +Nowadays only provincial philosophers cling to that worn-out creed. +Philosophy of our times does not pronounce upon the matter; to all +such questions it says, "I do not know!" and that "I do not know" +sinks into and permeates the mind. Nowadays psychology occupies itself +with close analysis and researches of spiritual manifestations; but +when questioned upon the immortality of the soul it says the same,--"I +do not know;" and truly it does not know, and it cannot know. And now +it will be easier to describe the state of my mind. It all lies in +these words: I do not know. In this--in the acknowledged impotence +of the human mind--lies the tragedy. Not to mention the fact that +humanity always has asked, and always will ask, for an answer, they +are truly questions of more importance than anything else in the +world. If there be something on the other side, and that something an +eternal life, then misfortunes and losses on this side are as nothing. +In this case we might exclaim with Hamlet: "Nay, then, let the devil +wear black, for I'll have a suit of sables." + +"I am content to die," says Renan; "but I should like to know whether +death will be of any use to me." + +And philosophy replies, "I do not know." + +And man beats against that blank wall, and like the bedridden sufferer +fancies, if he could lie on this or on that side, he would feel +easier. What is to be done? Are we to abuse philosophy that, instead +of building up new systems which, like a house of cards, fall at a +touch, it has confessed its impotence, and begun to search for and +classify manifestations within reach of the human intellect? Methinks +that I and everybody else has a right to say: "Philosophy, I am struck +by your common sense, admire your close analysis; but with all that, +you have made me supremely wretched. By your own confession you have +no answer for a question, to me of the greatest importance, and yet +you had power enough to destroy that faith which not only cleared up +all doubts, but soothed and comforted the soul. And do not say that, +since you do not lay down the law, you permit me to adhere to my old +beliefs. It is not true! Your method, your soul, your very essence is +doubt and criticism. This, your scientific method, this scepticism, +this criticism you have implanted in the soul till they have become a +second nature. As with lunar caustic, you have deadened the spiritual +nerves by the help of which one believes simply and without question, +so that even if I would believe I have lost the power. You permit me +to go to church if I like; but you have poisoned me with scepticism +to such a degree that I have grown sceptical even with regard to +you,--sceptical in regard to my own scepticism; and I do not know, I +do not know. I torture myself, and am maddened by the darkness." + + +ROME, 12 January. + +Yesterday I allowed myself to be carried away by my writing. But all +the same it seems to me that I laid a finger upon the rottenness of my +soul and that of humanity. There are times when I am indifferent to +these questions; then again they seem to tear at me without mercy; all +the more as those are matters kept within the privacy of the soul. +It would be better to put them aside; but they are too important for +that. We want to know what we are to expect, and arrange our life +accordingly. I have tried to say to myself: "Stop, you will never +leave that enchanted circle; why enter it at all?" I have every +qualification to render myself a well-satisfied, cheerful animal; +but I cannot always be satisfied with that. It is said the Slav +temperament has a tendency towards mysticism. I have noticed that +our greatest writers and poets end by becoming mystics. It is not +surprising that lesser minds should be now and then troubled. As to +myself I feel obliged to take notice of those inward struggles in +order to get a faithful image of myself. Perhaps I feel also the want +of justifying myself before my own conscience. For instance, with the +great "I do not know" before me, I still observe the regulations of +the Church; yet do not consider myself a hypocrite. This would be the +case if, instead of the "I do not know," I could say "I know there is +nothing." But our scepticism is not an open negation; it is rather a +sorrowful, anxious suspicion that perhaps there is nothing,--a dense +fog around our minds that stifles the breath and hides from us the +light. I therefore stretch out my hands towards that sun that maybe +shines beyond the mist. I fancy that not I alone am in that position, +and that of all those who go to church and mass on Sundays the prayers +might be condensed in these words: "O God! lift the mist!" + +I cannot write coldly or dispassionately about all this. I keep +religious observances for the simple reason that I long to believe, +and since the sweet teaching of my childhood tells me that faith is a +gift of grace, I am waiting for that grace. I am waiting that it may +be given unto me; that my soul may believe unquestioningly, even as it +believed in childhood. Those are my motives; no self-interest prompts +me; it would be much easier to be a cheerful, contented animal. Since +I am justifying my outward semblance of piety, I have some other less +noble and more practical reasons. From the days of my childhood I have +been accustomed to keep certain rules, and they have grown into a +habit. Henry the Fourth said Paris was well worth a mass; so say I +that the peace of those nearest is worth a mass; people of my class, +as a rule, observe religious prescriptions, and I should protest +against the outward symbols only in such a case if I could find +something more conclusive to say than "I do not know." I go to church +because I am a sceptic in regard to my own scepticism. It is not a +comfortable feeling, and my soul drags one wing along the earth. +But it would be much worse with me if I always pondered over these +questions so earnestly as I have done while writing these last pages. +Fortunately for me this is not the case. I have mentioned already that +at times I am indifferent to them. Life carries me along, and although +in the main I know what to think of its hollow pleasures, I give +myself up to it altogether, and then the moral "to be, or not to be" +has no meaning for me. A strange thing, about the power of which not +much has been said, is the influence of social suggestion on the mind. +In Paris, for instance, I feel happier not only because the continual +mill deafens me,--I am swallowed up by the surging masses, and my +mind is diverted by tricks of the fencing ring,--but also because the +people there, without being conscious of it, live as if it were worth +their while to put all their energies into this life, and as if beyond +there was nothing but a chemical process. My pulse begins to beat in +unison with theirs; I feel myself in harmony with my surroundings; +amuse myself or bore myself, conquer or am conquered, but enjoy a +comparative rest. + + +ROME, BABUINO, 13 January. + +I have only four days left before my departure, and will now sum up +what I said about myself. I am an individual rather worn out, very +sensitive, and of a highly nervous temperament. I have a strongly +developed consciousness of self, seconded by comparative culture, and +taken altogether, may consider myself an intellectually developed +being. + +My scepticism debars me from all firm convictions. I look, observe, +criticise, sometimes fancy I get hold of some essential truth, but +am ready always to doubt even that. I have already said all that was +necessary in reference to religion. As to my social creed I am a +conservative so far as a man in my position is bound to be, and so +far as conservatism suits me. No need to mention that I am far from +considering conservatism as a dogma, which no one is allowed to touch +or to criticise. I am too much civilized to take a party view of +either aristocracy or democracy. I leave that as a pastime to those +who live in the country, or in remote places where ideas, like +fashions, are some ten years late. From the time when privileges were +done away with, the question has been closed; but in remoter parts, +where the world remains more or less stagnant, it has become not +so much a question of principle as rather a question of vanity and +nerves. In regard to myself, I like well-bred people,--people with +brains and nerves, and look for them where they are most readily +found. I like them as I like works of art, fine scenery, and beautiful +women. From an aesthetic point of view, I possess refined nerves,--too +refined, perhaps, owing to my early training and a naturally +impressionable temperament. This aesthetic sensitiveness gives me +as many delights as torments, and renders me one great service: it +preserves me from cynicism or otherwise extreme corruption, and serves +me instead of moral principle. I recoil from many things, not because +they are wicked, but because they are ugly. From my aesthetic nerves I +derive also a certain delicacy of feeling. Taken all in all, it seems +to me that I am a man a little marred by life, decent enough though to +say the truth, rather floating in mid-air because not supported by any +dogma, either social or religious. I am also without an aim to which I +could devote my life. + +One word more about my abilities before concluding the synthesis. My +father, my aunt, my colleagues, and sometimes strangers, consider them +simply prodigious. I allow that my intellect has a certain glitter. +But will the _improductivite Slave_ scatter all the hopes invested in +me? Considering all I have, or rather have not done up to this day, +either for others or myself, I feel inclined to think that such +will be the case. This confession costs me more than appears on the +surface. My irony when I think of myself tastes bitter on the palate. +There was something barren in the clay from which God formed the +Ploszowskis, since on that soil everything springs up and grows so +luxuriously, yet produces no fruit. Truly, if with this barrenness, +this powerlessness to act, I possessed the abilities of a genius, it +would be a strange kind of genius,--a genius without portfolio, as +there are ministers of state without portfolio. + +This definition, "a genius without portfolio" seems to fit me to +perfection. I shall take out a patent of invention for the word. But +the definition does not apply to me alone. Its name is legion. Side +by side with the _improductivite Slave_ goes the genius without +portfolio; it is a pure product of the Slav soil. Once more I say its +name is legion. I do not know another part of the world where so much +ability is wasted, in which even those who bring forth something give +so little, so incredibly little, in comparison with what God gave +them. + + +ROME, BABUINO, 14 January. + +Another letter from my aunt urging me to come. I am coming, I am +coming, dear aunt, though God knows I am doing it out of love for you; +otherwise I should greatly prefer to remain where I am. My father +seems not well; from time to time he feels a strange numbness on +the whole of his left side. At my urgent entreaties he has seen a +physician, but I am quite sure the physic he received is safely stowed +away in a cupboard, according to an old custom he has. Once he opened +the mysterious receptacle and showed me a whole collection of bottles, +pill-boxes, and powders, saying: "For mercy's sake! this would kill +a strong man, let alone a sick one." Up to now, this quaint way of +looking upon medicine has not done him any harm, but I am troubled +about the future. Another reason for my unwillingness to go is my +aunt's plan of campaign. Of course she is anxious to see me married. I +do not know whether she has anything definite in view. God grant I +may be wrong; but she does not deny the intention. "About an eligible +_parti_ like you," she writes, "there will be at once a war of the +roses, you may be sure of that." I am tired and do not wish for any +war, and least of all to end it like Henry VII. by a marriage. On the +other hand,--I dare not tell my aunt, but may confess it to myself,--I +do not like Polish women. I am thirty-five, and like other men that +live much in society, I had my sentimental passages, among others, +with Polish women, and from these encounters I carried away the +impression that they are the most impossible and most wearying women +in the world. I do not know whether, generally speaking, they are more +virtuous than their French or Italian sisters; I only know that they +are more pathetic. The very remembrance of it gives me a creepy +sensation. I can understand an elegy over a broken pitcher when you +behold the shards for the first time; but to go on with the same +pathos over a much mended pitcher, looks more like a comic opera. A +pleasant role that of the listener, whom courtesy bids to take it +seriously. + +Strange, fantastic women with fiery imagination and cold temperaments! +In their sentiments there is neither cheerfulness nor even simplicity. +They are in love with the outward forms of love, caring less for +its intrinsic value. With French or Italian women after the first +skirmishes, you may be sure of your "ergo." With a Pole it is +different. Somebody said that if a man is mistaken and says two and +two makes five, you may be able to set him right; a woman says two and +two is a lamp, and you come against a blank wall. In a Polish woman's +logic two and two may be not four, but a lamp, love, hatred, a cat, +tears, duty, scorn; in brief, you cannot foresee anything, calculate +upon anything, or guard against anything. It may be, after all, +because of these very pitfalls that their virtue is better guarded +than that of other women, if only for the reason that the beleaguering +forces get mortally tired. But what struck me, and what I resented +most, is that those pitfalls, barricades, and the whole array of +defence are not so much erected for the repulse of the enemy as to +give them the sensation of warfare. I spoke of this in a roundabout +way with a clever woman only half a Pole, for her father was an +Italian. + +She listened to me for a while, then said at last:-- + +"It seems to me you are very much like the fox looking at the +dovecote. He does not like, and it makes him wroth, to see the doves +dwelling so high, and unlike the hens, always on the wing. All you +have said tells in favor of Polish women." + +"How do you make that out?" + +"The more a Polish woman seems intolerable as somebody else's wife, +the more desirable she is to have for one's own." + +She had driven me into a corner, and I could not find an answer. +Perhaps she is right, and I look upon it from a fox's point of view. +There is also not the slightest doubt that if I were to marry, +especially a Pole, I not only should search for her among the high +flying doves, but I should choose a perfectly white one. + +But I am like the chickens when asked in what sauce they would like to +be served; I do not want to be dished up at all. Now, to return to my +grievance against you, dear ladies, you are before everything in love +with love, and not with the lover. Every one of you is a queen in her +own rights, and in this you differ from other women; every one seems +to confer a boon and a favor in permitting herself to be loved; none +agrees to be only an addition or completion of a man's life, who, +besides matrimony, has some other aims in life. You want us to live +for you, instead of living for us. Last, but not least, you love your +children more than your husband. His final fate is that of a satellite +turning forever round in the same orbit. I have seen this and noticed +it very often in a general way; but now and then there happens to +be found a pure diamond too among the chaff. No, my queens and +princesses, permit me to worship you from a safe distance. + +Fancy putting aside all other aims, all ideals, in order to burn +incense every day at the shrine of a woman, and that woman one's own +wife. No, dear ladies, that is not sufficient to fill a man's life. + +Nevertheless, that second self sometimes mutters, "And what else is +there for you to do? If, anybody it is you who are fittest for the +sacrifice, for what are your aims or your intentions? No! the deuce +and all! To change the whole tenor of one's life, renounce old habits, +comforts, pleasures, it must be a great love, indeed, that could +induce me to such a venture. Marriage means a most amazing act of +faith in a woman, I could never summon courage enough to commit. No, +most decidedly, I do not wish to be served up in any sauce whatever." + + +WARSAW, 21 January. + +I arrived here to-day. I broke my journey at Vienna which made it less +tiring, but my nerves do not let me sleep, so I take up my journal +which has grown as a friend to me. What joy there was in the house +at my arrival, and what a dear, kind soul that aunt of mine is! I do +believe she is awake now for very joy. She could scarcely eat any +dinner. When in the country at Ploszow, she is continually wrangling +with her land-agent, Pan Chwastowski, a burly old nobleman who does +not give in to her one whit. Sometimes their disputes reach to such +a pitch that a catastrophe seems imminent; then suddenly my aunt +relaxes, falls to with an appetite and eats her dinner with a certain +determination. To-day she had only the servants to scold, and that was +not sufficient to give her an appetite. She was in capital spirits +though, and the loving glances she bestowed on me beggar description. +In intimate circles I am called my aunt's fetich, which makes her very +angry. + +Of course my fears and presentiments have not deceived me. There are +not only plans, but also a definite object. After dinner my aunt is +in the habit of walking up and down the room, and often thinks aloud. +Therefore, in spite of the mystery she deems fit to surround herself +with, I heard the following monologue:-- + +"He is young, handsome, rich, intelligent; she would be a fool if she +did not fall in love with him at once." + +To-morrow I am to go to a picnic the gentlemen are giving for the +ladies. They say it is going to be a grand entertainment. + + +WARSAW, 25 January. + +I am often bored at balls. As a _homo sapiens_ and an _eligible +parti_, I abhor them; as an artist, that is, artist without portfolio, +I now and then like them. What a splendid sight, for instance, that +broad staircase well lit up, where, amid a profusion of flowers the +women ascend to the ball-room. They all appear tall, and when not seen +from below (because the training robes destroy the illusion) they +remind one of the angels on Jacob's ladder. I like the motion, the +light, the flowers, and the gauzy material which enwraps the young +girls as in a soft mist; and then those shoulders, necks, and arms +which released from the warm cloaks seem at once to grow firm and +crisp as marble. My sense of smell, too, is gratified, for I delight +in good perfumes. + +The picnic was a great success. To give Staszewski his due, he knows +how to arrange these things. I arrived together with my aunt, but lost +sight of her in the entrance hall, for Staszewski himself came down to +lead her upstairs. The dear old lady had on her ermine cloak she uses +on great occasions, and which her friends call her robe of state. When +I entered the ballroom I remained near the door and looked around. +What a strange sensation when, after a long interval, one comes back +to once familiar scenes. I feel I am a part of them, and yet I look at +them and criticise them as if I were a stranger. Especially the women +attracted my attention,--I must admit, fastidious as I am, that our +society is very choice. I saw pretty faces and plain faces, but all +stamped with the same well-bred refinement. The necks and shoulders, +in spite of the softly rounded contours, simply reminded me of Sevres +china. There is a restful elegance, something daintily finished, in +all of them. Truly, they do not imitate Europe,--they are Europe. + +I remained there about a quarter of an hour indolently musing which of +all these dainty damsels my aunt had chosen for me, when Sniatynski +and his wife came up. I had seen him only a few months ago at Rome, +and had known her, too, for some time. I like her very much; she has a +sweet face and belongs to those exceptional Poles that do not absorb +their husband's whole life, but surrender their own. Presently a young +girl slipped in between us, and while greeting Pani Sniatynska, put +out a small hand encased in a white kid glove and said:-- + +"Don't you know me, Leon?" + +I felt slightly perplexed at this question, for indeed I did not know +who it was that greeted me thus familiarly; but not wishing to seem +rude, I smiled and pressed the little hand, saying, "Of course I do." +I must have looked a little foolish because, presently Pani Sniatynska +burst out laughing and said, "But he does not recognize you; it is +Aniela P." + +Aniela, my cousin! No wonder I did not recognize her. The last time +I saw her, some ten or eleven years ago at Ploszow, she wore a short +frock and pink stockings. I remember the midges had stung her about +the legs, and she stamped on the ground like a little pony. How could +I dream that these white shoulders, this breast covered with violets, +this pretty face with the dark eyes, in short, this girl in the full +bloom of maidenhood, was the same as the little wagtail on thin feet +I had known formerly. How pretty she had grown; a fine butterfly +had come from that chrysalis. I renewed my greeting very heartily. +Afterwards when the Sniatynskis had left us she told me that my aunt +and her mother had sent her to fetch me. I offered my arm and we went +across the room. + +All at once it burst in upon me. It was she, Aniela, my aunt had in +her mind. That then was the secret, the surprise meant for me. My aunt +always used to be fond of her, and troubled herself not a little over +Pani P.'s financial difficulties. I only wondered why these ladies +were not stopping with my aunt; but I did not ponder over it long; I +preferred to look at Aniela, who naturally interested me more than the +average girl. As we had to make our way to the other end of the +room and the crush was great, I had ample time for conversation and +scrutiny. Fashion this year has it that gloves should be worn halfway +up the elbow, so I noticed that the arm which rested on mine had a +slightly dusky shade, covered as it was with a light down. And yet she +could not be called a brunette. Her hair is a light brown with a gleam +of bronze. Her eyes are light too, but appear dark, shaded as they are +by long eyelashes; the eyebrows, on the contrary, are dark and very +pretty. The characteristic of this little head with the low brow is +that exuberance of hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, and that down, which +on the face is very slight. This at some future time may spoil her +beauty, but at present she is so young that it points only to an +exuberance of organism, and shows that she is not a doll, but a woman +full of warm, active life. + +I do not deny that, fastidious as are my nerves and not easily +thrilled, I fell under a spell. She is my type exactly. My aunt, who, +if she ever heard about Darwin would call him a wicked writer, has +unconsciously adopted his theory of natural selection. Yes, she is my +type. They have baited the hook this time with a dainty morsel. + +An electric current seemed to pass from her arm into mine. Besides I +noticed that she too seemed pleased with me, and that naturally raises +one's spirits. My scrutiny from an artistic point of view proved +highly satisfactory. There are faces that seem to be a translation +from music or poetry into human shape. Such a face is Aniela's. There +is nothing commonplace about it. As children are inoculated for +small-pox so the upper classes inoculate modesty in their girls; there +is something so very innocent in this face, but through that very +innocence peeps out a warm temperament. What a combination!--as if +some one said, "An innocent Satan!" + +Unsophisticated as Aniela is, she is yet a little bit of a coquette, +and quite conscious of her attractions. Knowing for instance that she +has beautiful eyelashes, she very often drops her eyes. She has also +a graceful way of lifting her head and looking at the person she +is speaking to. In the beginning she was slightly artificial, from +shyness I fancy, but soon afterwards we chatted together as if we had +never been separated since those times at Ploszow. My aunt is highly +amusing with her absentmindedness, but I should not care to have her +for a fellow-conspirator. Scarcely had we approached the two elderly +ladies and I exchanged greetings with Aniela's mother, when my aunt, +noticing my animation, turned to her companion and said aloud, "How +pretty she looks in those violets! It was, after all, a happy thought +that he should see her the first time at a ball." + +Aniela's mother grew very confused, and so did Aniela, and the truth +began to dawn upon me why it was the ladies were not staying with my +aunt. This had been Pani P.'s idea; she and my aunt had been plotting +together. I suppose Aniela had not been taken into confidence, but +thanks to female perspicacity could not help guessing how matters +stood. + +To put an end to the embarrassing situation I turned to her and said, +"I warn you that I am not very proficient at dancing, but as they will +carry you off any moment, will you grant me a waltz?" + +Aniela for all answer handed me her tablets and said resolutely, "Put +down as many as you like." + +I confess that I do not like the role of a puppet pulled by a string, +therefore I resolved to take an active part in the old ladies' +politics. I took the tablets and wrote, "Did you understand that they +want us to marry?" + +Aniela read it and changed color. She remained silent for a moment, +as if not trusting her voice, or hesitating what to say; at last she +lifted her eyelashes and looking straight into my eyes she replied, +"Yes." + +It was now her turn to question me, not in words but with her eyes. I +already knew I had made a favorable impression on her, and if she had +an inkling of the truth her mind must needs dwell a good deal on me. +I interpreted the look of her eyes thus: "I am aware my mother and my +aunt want us to become acquainted, to know each other well. And you?" + +Instead of an answer I put my arm around her waist, and lightly +drawing her towards me, led her into the mazes of a waltz. I +remembered my fencing practice. + +A mute answer could not but stir up fancies in a girl's mind, +especially after what I had written on the tablets. I thought to +myself: "What harm is there if her fancy turns into my direction? As +far as I am concerned I shall not go a step further than I intend, +and if her fancy travels further I cannot help it." Aniela dances +exquisitely, and she danced this waltz as a woman should, with a +certain vehemence and self-abandon at the same time. I noticed that +the violets on her breast rose and fell far quicker than the quiet +step of the dance warranted. I understood that she felt agitated. Love +is a law of nature, kept under control by a careful bringing-up. But +once the girl is told that she may love this one or that, the chance +is she will obey very readily. Aniela evidently expected that after +I had been bold enough to write those few words I would allude to it +further, but I kept aloof on purpose to leave her in suspense. + +I wished also to look at her from a distance. Decidedly she is my +type. Women of that kind have a special attraction for me. Oh, if only +she were thirty, and not a girl they expect me to marry! + + +WARSAW, 30 January. + +They have come to stay with us. Yesterday I spent all the day with +Aniela. She has more pages to her soul than most girls at her age. On +many of these pages the future will write, but there is room for many +beautiful things. She feels and understands everything, and is an +excellent listener, and follows the conversation with her large, +intelligent eyes. A woman that can listen possesses one more +attraction, because she flatters man's vanity. I do not know whether +Aniela is conscious of this, or whether it be her womanly instinct. +Maybe she has heard so much about me from my aunt that she deems every +word I say an oracle. She is decidedly not without coquetry. To-day +I asked her what she wished for most in life. She answered, "To see +Rome;" then her eyelashes fell, and she looked indescribably pretty. +She sees that I like her, and it makes her happy. Her coquetry is +charming, because it comes straight from a delighted heart, and tries +to please the chosen object. I have not the slightest doubt that her +heart is fluttering towards me, as a moth flutters into the candle. +Poor child! she feels the elders have given their mute consent, and +she obeys only too willingly. I can watch the process from hour to +hour. + +Perhaps I ought to inquire of myself, "If you do not want to marry +her, why are you trying to make her love you?" But I do not choose to +answer that question. I feel at peace here, and restful! After +all, what is it I am doing? I try not to appear more foolish or +disagreeable or less courteous than I am by nature, that is all. + +Aniela appeared to-day at breakfast in a loose sailor-dress, +which only just betrayed the outline of her shape, and she looked +bewitching. Her eyes were still full of dreaminess and sleep. It is +something wonderful what an impression she is making on me. + + +31 January. + +My aunt is giving an entertainment in honor of Aniela. I am +paying visits and leaving cards right and left. I called upon the +Sniatynskis, and sat with them for a long time, because I feel there +at home. Sniatynski and his wife are always wrangling with each other, +but their life is different from that of most other married people. +As a rule, it happens when there is one cloak, each tries to get +possession of it; these two dispute because he wishes her to have +it, and she wants it all for him. I like them immensely,--it is so +refreshing to see there is still happiness out of novels. With all +that, he is so clever; as sensitive as a Stradivarius violin, and +quite conscious of his happiness. He wanted it, and has got it. I envy +him. I always used to like his conversation. They offered me some +black coffee; it is only at literary people's houses one can get such +coffee. He asked me what I thought of Warsaw after so long an absence. +There was also some talk about the ball, especially from the lady's +part. She seems to guess something about my aunt's plans, and wants to +have one of her rosy fingers in the pie,--especially as she comes from +the same part of the country as Aniela. + +We touched personal matter very slightly, but had a lively discussion +about society in general. I told him what I thought about its +refinement; and as Sniatynski, though he criticises it himself +mercilessly, is always greedy to hear its praises sung, it put him +into capital spirits. + +"I like to hear you say so," he remarked, "as you have so many chances +to make comparisons, and are rather inclined to look at the world from +a pessimist's point of view." + +"I do not know whether what I just said does not lean that way." + +"How do you prove that?" asked Sniatynski, quickly. + +"You see, refined culture might be compared to cases with glass and +china, upon which is written, 'Fragile.' For you, a spiritual son of +Athens, for me and a few others, it is pleasant to be in touch with +it; but if you want to build anything on such foundation, you will +find the beams coming down on your head. Don't you think those refined +_dilettanti_ of life are bound to get the worst in a struggle with a +people of strong nerves, a tough skin, and iron muscles?" + +Sniatynski, who is very lively, jumped up and walked about the room, +then rushed at me impetuously. "You have seen only one side of the +picture, and not the best one, either; do not think there is nothing +more to be seen. You come from abroad, and pronounce judgment upon us +as if you had lived here all your life." + +"I do not know what else there may be, but I know that nowhere in the +world is there such a vast difference between the classes. On one +side, the most refined culture,--over-refined, if anything; on the +other, absolute barbarism and ignorance." + +A long discussion followed, and it was dusk before I left them. He +said if I came oftener to see them, he would show me the connecting +link between the two classes, introduce me to men who were neither +over-refined, ignorant, nor sickening with dilettantism, but strong +men, who knew what they wanted, and were going straight for it. + +When I was going away, Sniatynski called out after me: + +"From such as you nothing good will come, but your children may +be men; but you and such like must lose every penny you possess, +otherwise even your grandchildren will do nothing useful." + +I still think that on the whole I was right. I have taken special +notice of this conversation, as this discrepancy has occupied my +thoughts ever since my arrival. The fact is that between the classes +there is a vast gulf that precludes all mutual understanding, and +makes simultaneous efforts simply impossible. At least, I look upon +it in that light. Sevres china and common clay,--nothing between; one +_tres fragile_, the other, Ovidius's "rudis indigestaque moles." Of +course Sevres china sooner or later breaks, and from the clay the +future may mould anything it likes. + + +2 February. + +Yesterday my aunt's entertainment took place. Aniela was the cynosure +of every eye. Her white shoulders peeping out from a cloud of muslin, +gauze, or whatever it is called, she looked like a Venus rising from +the foam. I fancy it is already gossiped about that I am going to +marry her. I noticed that her eyes often strayed in my direction, and +she listened to her partners with an absent, distracted expression. + +Guileless child! she cannot hide the truth, and shows so plainly what +is going on in her heart that I could not help seeing it, unless I +were blind. And she is so humble and quietly happy when I am with her! +I like her immensely, and begin to waver. Sniatynski is so happy in +his home life! It is not the first time I have asked myself whether +Sniatynski be more foolish or wiser than I. Of the many problems of +life, I have not solved one. I am nothing; scepticism is sapping +my whole system; I am not happy, and am very tired. He, with less +knowledge than I, does useful work, has a good and handsome wife, the +rogue! and his very philosophical principles, adapted to life, help to +make him happy. No, it must be acknowledged, it is I who am the more +foolish of the two. + +The keynote of Sniatynski's philosophy is found in his dogmas of life. +Before he was married he said to me: "There are two things I never +approach with scepticism, and do not criticise: to me as a literary +man, the community is a dogma; as a private individual, the beloved +woman." I thought to myself then: "My mind is bolder,--it analyzes +even that." But I see now that this boldness has not led me to +anything. And how lovely she is,--that little dogma of mine with the +long eyelashes! Decidedly, I am going the way I did not mean to go. +The singular attraction which draws me towards her cannot be explained +by the law of natural selection. Ho! there is something more, and I +know what it is. She loves me with all the freshness of her honest +heart, as I was never loved before. How different from the fencing +practice of former years, when thrusts were dealt or guarded against! +The woman who is much liked, and who in her turn loves, is sure to win +in the end if she perseveres. + +"The stray bird," says the poet Slowacki, "comes back to his haven +of rest and peace all the more eagerly after the lonesomeness of his +stormy flight. Nothing takes so firm a hold upon a man's heart as the +consciousness that he is loved." + +A few pages before, I wrote God knows what about Polish women; but if +any one fancies that for the sake of a few written sentences I feel +myself bound to pursue a certain course, he is vastly mistaken. + +How that girl satisfies my artistic taste is simply wonderful. After +the ball, came the pleasantest moment when, everybody gone, we sat +down and had some tea. Wanting to see how the world looked outside, I +drew back the heavy curtains. It was eight o'clock in the morning and +a flood of daylight poured into the room. It was so perfectly blue, +seen by the glare of the lamps, that it reminded me of the Capri +grotto. And there stood Aniela, with that blue haze around her white +shoulders. She looked so lovely that all my resolutions tottered and +fell to pieces; I felt positively grateful to her for this glimpse of +beauty, as if it were her doing. I pressed her hand more tenderly than +I had ever done before when saying good-night to her. + +"Good-morning, you mean, not good-night,--good-morning." + +Either I am blind and deaf or her eyes and voice expressed: "I love +you, I love you." + +I do the same--almost. + +My aunt looking at us gave a low grunt of contentment. I saw tears +shining in her eyes. + +To-morrow we leave here for Ploszow. + + +PLOSZOW, 5 February. + +This is my second day in the country. We had a splendid drive. The +weather was clear and frosty. The snow creaked under the runners of +the sledge and glittered and sparkled in the fields. Towards sunset +the vast plain assumed pink and purple shades. The rooks, cawing and +flapping their wings, flew in and out the lime trees. Winter, the +strong, homely winter, is a beautiful thing. There is a certain vigor +in it, and dignity, and what is more, so much sincerity. Like a true +friend, who, regardless as to consequences, hurls cutting truths, +it smites you between the eyes without asking leave. By way of +compensation it bestows upon you some of its own vigor. We were all +of us glad to leave the town--the elder ladies, that their pet scheme +might be brought to a climax by closer companionship; I, because I was +near Aniela; she, maybe for the same reason, felt happy too. She bent +down several times to kiss my aunt's hands, apropos of nothing, out +of sheer content. She looked very pretty in a long, fluffy boa and +a coquettish fur cap, from under which the dark eyes and the almost +childish face peeped forth. + +How young she looks. + +I feel at home in Ploszow, it is so quiet and restful; and I like the +huge, old-fashioned chimneys. The woods are to my aunt as the apple of +her eye, but she does not grudge herself fuel; and big logs, which are +crackling and burning there from morning until night, make it look +bright and cheerful. We sat around the fire the whole afternoon. I +brought out some of my reminiscences, and told them about Rome and its +treasures. The three women listened with such devoutness that it made +me feel ridiculous in my own eyes. From time to time, while I was +talking, my aunt cast a searching glance at Aniela to see whether she +expressed enough admiration. But there is too much of that already. +Yesterday she said to me:-- + +"Another man might spend there his whole life and not see half the +beautiful things you do." + +My aunt added with dogmatic firmness,-- + +"I have always said so." + +It is as well that there is not another sceptic here, for his presence +would embarrass me not a little. + +A certain dissonant chord in our little circle is Aniela's mother. The +poor soul has had so many sorrows and anxieties that her cheerfulness, +if ever she had any, is a thing of the past. She is simply afraid of +the future, and instinctively suspects pitfalls even in good fortune. +She was very unhappy in her married life, and afterwards has had +continual worries about her estate, which is very much involved. In +addition to all this she suffers from nervous headaches. + +Aniela belongs to that category of women who never trouble themselves +about money matters. I like her for that, for it proves that she +thinks of higher things. For the matter of that, everything in her +pleases and delights me now. + +Tenderness grows on the soil of attraction by the senses, as quick +as flowers after a warm rain. To-day, in the morning, I saw the maid +carrying up her gown and boots; this moved me very much, especially +the little, little boots, as if the wearing of them was the crown of +all virtues in Aniela. + +PLOSZOW, 8 or 9 February. + +My aunt has taken up her visual warfare with Pan Chwastowski. This +is such an original habit of hers that I must describe one of their +disputes. The dear lady can evidently not exist without it, or at +least not enjoy her dinner; Chwastowski, again, who, by the bye, is an +excellent manager, is a compound of brimstone and saltpetre, and does +not allow anybody to thwart him; therefore the quarrels sometimes +reach the acute state. When entering the dining-room they eye each +other with suspicious glances. The first shot is fired by my aunt +while eating her soup. + +"It is a very long time, Pan Chwastowski, since I heard anything +about the winter crops, and Pan Chwastowski, instead of giving me the +information, speaks about anything but what I want to know." + +"They were very promising in autumn, my lady; now they are covered by +a yard or two of snow,--how am I to know the state they are in? I am +not the Lord Almighty." + +"I beg of you, Pan Chwastowski, not to take the Lord's name in vain." + +"I do not look under His snow, therefore do not offend Him." + +"Do you mean to insinuate that I do?" + +"Most certainly." + +"Pan Chwastowski, you are unbearable." + +"Oho! bearable enough because he bears a great deal." + +In this or that way the screw goes round. There is scarcely a meal but +they have some differences. Then my aunt at last subsides, and seems +to wreak the remnants of her anger on the dinner. She enjoys a hearty +appetite. As the dinner goes on she gradually brightens up and +recovers her usual spirits. After dinner, I offer my arm to Aniela's +mother, my aunt accepts Pan Chwastowski's, and presently they sip +their black coffee in peace and perfect amity. My aunt inquires after +his sons, and he kisses her hands. I saw those sons of his when they +were at the university, and I hear they are promising young men, but +great radicals. + +Aniela used to get frightened at first at these prandial disputes, +until I gave her the clue to the real state of things. So now when +the first signal of battle is given, she looks at me slyly from under +those long lashes, and there is a little smile lurking in the corners +of her mouth. She is so pretty then I feel tempted to take her in +my arms. I have never met a woman with such delicate veins on her +temples. + + +12 February. + +Truly a metamorphosis of Ovidius on the earth and within me! The frost +has gone, the fine weather vanished, and there is Egyptian darkness. I +cannot describe it better than by saying the weather is foul. What an +abominable climate! In Rome, at the worst, the sun shines at intervals +half a dozen times a day; here lamps ought to be lit these two days. +The black, heavy mist seems to permeate one's thoughts, and paint them +a uniform gray. My aunt and Pan Chwastowski were more intent than +usual upon warfare. He maintained that my aunt, by not allowing the +woods to be touched, causes the timber to spoil; my aunt replied that +others did their best to cut down all the timber, and not a bit of +forest would soon be left in the country. "I am getting old; let +the trees grow old too." This reminds me of the nobleman of vast +possessions who only allowed as much land to be cultivated as to where +the bark of his dog could be heard. + +Aniela's mother, without intending it, gave me to-day a bad quarter of +an hour. Alone with me in the conservatory, she began telling me, with +maternal boastfulness, that an acquaintance of mine, a certain Pan +Kromitzki, had made overtures for Aniela's hand. + +I had a sensation as if somebody tried to remove a splinter from my +flesh with a fork. As the blue waves of light had stirred up within me +a tender feeling for Aniela,--although it was no merit of hers,--so +now the wooing of such a man as Kromitzki threw cold water upon the +nascent affections. I know that ape Kromitzki, and do not like him. He +comes from Austrian Silesia, where it seems they had owned estates. +In Rome he used to say that his family had borne the title of count +already in the fifteenth century, and at the hotels put himself down +as "Graf von Kromitzki." But for his small, black eyes, not unlike +coffee-berries, and his black hair, his head looks as if cut out +from a cheese-rind,--for such is his complexion. He reminds me of a +death's-head, and I simply have a physical loathing for him. Ugh! how +the thought of him in connection with Aniela has spoiled her image. +I am quite aware that she is in no way responsible for Kromitzki's +intentions; but it has damaged her in my eyes. I do not know why her +mother should think it necessary to tell me these details; if it be a +warning, it has missed its aim. She must have some grand qualities, +this Pani P., since she has managed to steer her life through so many +difficulties, and at the same time educated her daughter so well; but +she is clumsy and tedious with her headaches and her macaronism. + +"I confess," she said, "that the alliance suited me. At times I almost +break down under the weight of troubles. I am a woman with little +knowledge of business, and what I acquired I have paid for with my +health; but I had to think of my child. Kromitzki is very clever. He +has large concerns at Odessa, and is at present engaged in some large +speculations in naphtha at Baku, or some such place, 'que sais-je.' It +seems there is some difficulty about his not being a Russian subject. +If he married Aniela he might clear the estate; and as an extensive +landowner he would have no difficulty in getting naturalized." + +"What does Aniela say to this?" I asked impatiently. + +"She does not care for him, but is a good and obedient child. I am +anxious to see her married before I die." + +I did not care to prolong the conversation, which irritated me more +than I can tell; and though I understand well enough, if that match +has not been arranged, it was Aniela's doing, yet I feel aggrieved +that she should allow a man like that even to look at her. For me this +would be a mere question of nerves. I forget, however, that others +are not constituted like me, and that Kromitzki, in spite of his +cadaverous face, passes among women as a good-looking man. + +I wonder what his affairs are. I forgot to ask whether he is at +Warsaw; most likely he is, as he goes there every winter. As to his +business, it may be very magnificent, but I doubt whether it be on a +solid basis. I am not a speculator, and could not for the life of me +transact a stock-exchange affair; but I am shrewd enough to know +it. Besides I am a close observer, and quick to draw conclusions. +Therefore I do not believe in noblemen with a genius for speculation. +I am afraid Kromitzki's is neither an inherited nor innate quality, +but a neurosis driving him into a certain direction. I have seen +examples of that kind. Now and then blind fortune favors the +nobleman-speculator, and he accumulates wealth; but I have not seen +one who did not come to grief before he died. + +Capacities such as these are either inherited or acquired by early +training. Chwastowski's boys will be able to do something in that way +because their father lost by accident all his fortune, and they +have to make a fresh start. But he who with ready capital, without +commercial tradition or professional knowledge, embarks upon commerce, +is bound to come to grief. Speculation cannot be based upon illusions, +and there is too much of that in the speculations of our noblemen. +Upon the whole, I wish Pan von Kromitzki every luck! + + +14 February. + +Pax! pax! pax! The painful impression has vanished. What keen +perceptions Aniela has! I endeavored to be cheerful, though I felt out +of spirits, and I do not think there was any perceptible change in my +behavior; yet she perceived a change at once. To-day, when we looked +at the albums and were alone,--which happens pretty often, on purpose +I suppose,--she grew embarrassed and changed color. I saw at once she +wanted to say something, and did not dare. For a single moment the mad +thought flashed across my brain that she was about to confess her love +for me. But as quick as the thought, I remembered it was a Polish girl +I had before me. A mere chit of a girl--I beg her pardon, a young +princess,--would rather die than be the first to confess her love. +When asked she gives her assent rather as a favor. Besides, Aniela +very quickly corrected my mistake; suddenly closing the album she said +in a hesitating voice: "What is the matter with you, Leon? There is +something the matter, is there not?" + +I began assuring her at once that there was nothing the matter with +me, and to laugh away her perturbation; but she only shook her head +and said: "I have seen that something was amiss these last two days. I +know that men like you may be easily offended, and I have asked myself +whether anything I might have done or said--" Her voice shook a +little, but she looked straight at me. + +"I have not hurt you, have I?" + +There was a moment I felt tempted to say, "If there is anything +wanting to my happiness it is you, Aniela, only you;" but a sudden +terror clutched me by the hair. Not terror of her, but of the +consequences that might follow. I took her hand, kissed it, and said +in the most cheerful voice I could assume, "You are a good and dear +girl; do not mind me,--there is nothing whatever the matter; besides, +you are our guest, and it is I who ought to see that you are +comfortable." + +And I kissed again her hand, both hands in fact. All this could be +still put down to cousinly affection,--human nature is so mean that +the consciousness that there was still a door through which I could +escape lent me courage. I call this feeling mean for the very reason +that I am not responsible to anybody except to myself, and myself I +cannot deceive. Yet I feel that even to myself I shall not give a +strict account, because in so far as my relations to Aniela are +concerned I am carried away by my sensations. I still feel on my lips +the touch of her hand,--and my desires are simply without limit. +Sooner or later I shall myself close that door through which I could +still escape. But could I still escape? Yes, if some extraneous +circumstances came to my aid. + +In the meanwhile she loves me, and everything draws me towards her. +To-day I asked myself, "If it is to be, why put it off?" I found +a ready answer: "Because I do not want to lose any of my present +sensations; the sudden thrills, the charm of the words unspoken, the +questioning glances, the expectations. I wish to spin out the romance +to the very end. I found fault with women that they preferred the +semblance of love to love itself, and now I am quite as anxious not to +lose any of its outward manifestations. But as one gets more advanced +in years one attaches greater importance to these things; and besides, +I am an Epicurean in my sensations." + +After the above conversation with Aniela, we both recovered our +spirits. During evening I helped her in the cutting out of lampshades, +which gave me the opportunity to touch her hands and dress. I hindered +her with the work and she became as gay as a child, and in a child's +quick, plaintive voice called out, "Aunty, Leon is very naughty." + + +14 February. + +Ill luck would have it that I accepted an invitation to attend a +meeting at Councillor S.'s, who always tries to bring together +representatives of all shades and opinions, and over a cup of tea and +a sandwich to bring about a mutual understanding. As a man almost +continually living abroad, I came to this meeting to find out what was +going on in the minds of my countrymen and listen to their reasonings. +The crush was very great, which made me feel uncomfortable, and at the +same time happened what usually happens at large gatherings. Those of +the same shade of opinion congregated in separate rooms to pay each +other compliments and so forth. I was made acquainted with various +councillors and representatives of the press. In other countries, +there is a considerable difference between writers and journalists. +The first is considered an artist and a thinker, the latter, a mere +paragraph-monger--I cannot find a better word. Here there is no such +distinction, and men of both occupations are known under the same +collective name as literary men. The greater part of them follow both +avocations, literature and journalism. Personally, they are more +refined than the journalists I met abroad. I do not like the daily +press, and consider it as one of the plagues sent down to torment +humanity. The swiftness with which the world becomes acquainted with +current events is equal to the superficiality of the information, and +does not compensate for the incredible perversion of public opinion, +as any one who is not prejudiced must perceive. Thanks to the daily +press, the sense which knows how to sift the true from the false +has become blunted, the notions of right and wrong have well-nigh +disappeared, evil stalks about in the garb of righteousness, and +oppression speaks the language of justice; in brief, the human soul +has become immoral and blind. + +There was, among others, also Stawowski, who is considered a leader +among the advanced progressists. He spoke cleverly, but appeared to me +a man suffering from a two-fold disease: liver, and self. He carries +his ego like a glass of water filled to the brim, and seems to say, +"Take care, or it will spill." This fear, by some subtle process, +seems to communicate itself to his audience to such an extent that +nobody dares to be of a different opinion. He has this influence over +others because he believes in what he says. They are wrong, those who +consider him a sceptic. On the contrary, he is of the temperament +which makes fanatics. Had he been born a hundred years ago and been a +judge, he would have sentenced people to have their tongues cut out +for uttering blasphemy. Born as he is in the more enlightened times, +he hates what he would have loved then; but essentially it is the same +man. + +I noticed that our conservatives crowded round Stawowski, not so +much out of curiosity to hear what he said as rather with a certain +watchful coquetry. Here, and maybe in other countries, this party has +little courage. They looked at the speaker with insinuating smiles, as +if they would say: "Although conservatives, nevertheless--" Ah! that +"nevertheless" was like an act of contrition, a kind of submission. +This was so evident that I who am a sceptic as to all party spirit, +began to contradict Stawowski, not as a representative of any party, +but simply as a man who is of a different opinion. My audacity excited +some astonishment. The matter in question was the position of the +working-men. Stawowski spoke of their hopeless condition, their +weakness and incapacity for defending themselves; the audience which +listened to his words grew every minute larger, when I interrupted:-- + +"Do you believe in Darwin's theory, the survival of the fittest?" + +Stawowski, who is a naturalist by profession, took up the challenge at +once. + +"Of course I do," he said. + +"Then allow me to point out to you that you are inconsequent. If I, +as a Christian, care for the weak and defenceless, I do so by the +doctrine of Christ; but you, from a standpoint of a struggle-for-life +existence, ought to see it in a different light: they are weak, they +are foolish, consequently bound to succumb; it is a capital law of +nature,--let the weaker go to perdition. Why is it you do not take it +this way? please explain the contradiction." + +Whether Stawowski was taken aback by the unexpected opposition, or +whether he really had never put the two things together, the fact was +that he was at a loss for a ready answer, grew confused, and did not +even venture upon the expression "altruism," which, after all, says +very little. + +The hero of the evening worsted, the conservatives came over to me in +a body, and I might have become the hero now; but it was getting late, +I was bored, and wanted to get back to Ploszow. Gradually the others +too began to disperse. I was already in my fur coat and searching +for my eyeglasses, that had slipped between the coat and furs, when +Stawowski, who evidently had found his answer, came up to me and +said:-- + +"You asked why--" + +I, still searching for the eyeglasses and rather put out, said +impatiently:-- + +"Plainly speaking, the question does not interest me very much. It is +getting late and everybody is leaving; besides I can guess what you +are going to say, therefore permit me to wish you good-night." + +I fancy I have made an enemy of the man, especially by my last remark. + +It was one o'clock when I arrived at Ploszow, and there a pleasant +surprise awaited me; Aniela was sitting up to make some tea for me. I +found her in the dining-room, still fully dressed, with the exception +of her hair, which was done up for the night. From the intense delight +I felt in seeing her thus unexpectedly, I perceived how deeply she had +entered into my heart. What a dear girl she is, and how pretty she +looks with the tresses coiled low down her neck. And to think that I +have only to say the word and in a month or two I might have the right +to undo those tresses and let them fall on her shoulders. I cannot +think of it quietly. It seems past all belief that happiness should be +so easy to get. + +I began to scold her a little for sitting up so late, and she +replied:-- + +"But I was not in the least sleepy, and begged mamma and aunty to let +me sit up for you. Mamma would not allow it, said it was not proper; +but I explained to her that we were cousins, and that makes all the +difference. And do you know who took my part?--auntie." + +"Dear aunt! You will take some tea with me, will you not?" + +I watched her handling the cups with those deft, graceful fingers, and +felt a desire to kiss them. + +She looked at me now and then, but upon meeting my eyes her eyelashes +drooped. Presently she inquired how I had spent the evening, and what +impressions I had carried away. We spoke in a low voice, though the +sleeping-rooms were far enough away to make it unnecessary. There was +such confidence and heartiness in our intercourse as among relatives +who are fond of each other. + +I told her what I had seen and noticed, as one tells a friend. I spoke +about the general impression the society of the country makes upon a +man that has chiefly lived abroad. She listened quietly with wide-open +eyes, happy to be thus taken into confidence. Then she said:-- + +"Why do you not write about all that, Leon? That I do not think +of such things is not to be wondered at; but nobody else here has +thoughts like these." + +"Why do I not write?" I replied. "There are many reasons for it. I +will explain to you some time; one of them is that I have nobody near +me who, like you, says: 'Leon, why do you not do something?'" + +After this we both became silent. I had never seen Aniela's lashes +veil her eyes so closely, and I could almost hear the beating of her +heart. + +And indeed she had a right to expect me to say: "Will you remain with +me always and put the same question?" But I found such a keen delight +in skirting the precipice before making the final plunge, and feeling +that heart palpitating almost in my hand that I could not do it. + +"Good-night," I said, after a short time. + +And that angelic creature gave not the slightest sign that she had met +with a disappointment. She rose, and with the least touch of sadness +in her voice, but no impatience, replied: "Good-night." + +We shook hands and parted for the night. My hand was already on the +latch, when I turned round and saw her still standing near the table. + +"Aniela! Tell me," I said, "do you not think me a fantastic kind of +man, full of whims and fancies?" + +"Oh, no, not fantastic; sometimes I think you a little strange, but +then I say to myself that men like you are bound to be different from +others." + +"One question more; when was it you thought me strange the first +time?" + +Aniela blushed to the tips of her ears. How pretty she looked with the +pink flame spreading over her face and neck. + +"No, I could not tell you." + +"Then let me guess, and if I am right say yes. It is a single word." + +"What word?" she asked, with increased confusion. + +"Tablets. Yes, or no?" + +"Yes," said Aniela, with drooping eyes. + +"Then I will tell you why I wrote those words. First, because I wanted +a link connecting us together, a little secret shared by both of us, +and also--" + +I pointed at the flowers the gardener had brought from the hot-house. + +"You know flowers want light to bring out all their beauty, and I +wanted plenty of light for our atmosphere." + +"I cannot always follow you," she said, after a momentary silence, +"but I trust you, yes, and believe in you." + +We remained once more silent; I pressed her hand again, saying +good-night. We stopped near the door, and our eyes met. The waters +begin to rise and to rise. They will overstep their boundary any +moment. + + +23 February. + +The human being, like the sea, has his ebb and flood tides. To-day my +will, my energy, the very action of life are at a very low tide. It +came upon me without warning, a mere matter of nerves. But for that +very reason my thoughts are full of bitterness. What right have I, +a man physically worn out and mentally exhausted, to marry at all? +Involuntarily the words of Hamlet come in my mind: "Get thee to a +nunnery; why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?" I shall not bury +myself within cloister walls. The future sinners will be like me, +all nerves, oversensitive, not fit for any practical life,--in fact, +artists without portfolios. But the deuce take it, it is not they, but +Aniela I am thinking of. Have I a right to marry her,--to link that +fresh budding life, full of simple faith in God and the world, to my +doubts, my spiritual impotence, my hopeless scepticism, my criticism +and nerves? What will be the result of it for her? I cannot regain +another spiritual youth, and even at her side cannot find my old self; +my brains cannot change, or my nerves grow more vigorous,--and what +then? Is she to wither at my side? It would be simply monstrous. I to +play the part of a polypus that sucks the life-blood of its victims in +order to renew its own life! A heavy cloud weighs on my brain. But if +such be the case why did I allow it to go so far? What have I been +doing ever since I met Aniela? Playing on her very heartstrings to +bring forth sweet music. And yet, what for me was "Quasi una fantasia" +may prove to her "Quasi un dolore." Yes, I have played on that +sensitive instrument from morning until night; and what is more, +I feel that in spite of my self-upbraidings, I shall do the same +to-morrow and the days following, for I cannot help it; she attracts +me more than any woman I ever met, I desire her above all things--I +love her! + +Why delude myself any longer?--I love her! + +What is to be done? Must I go away back to Rome? That means a +disappointment and sorrow for her; for who knows how deeply rooted +her feelings may be? To marry her is the same as to sacrifice her for +myself, and make her life unhappy in another way. A truly enchanted +circle! Only people of the Ploszowski species ever get into such +dilemmas. And there is devilish little comfort in the thought that +there are more such as I, or that their name is legion. + +Whether the species be gradually dying out, as badly fitted for the +struggle of life, remains to be seen; for in addition to an incapacity +for life, there is ill luck as well. I might have met such an Aniela +ten years ago, when my sails were not, as now, worn to shreds and +patches. + +If that honest soul, my aunt, knew how, with the best of intentions, +she brought me to this pass, she would be truly grieved. There was +tragedy enough in my life,--the consciousness of utter failure, the +dark mist in which my thoughts were straying; now there is a new,--to +be, or not to be; but no, it is far worse than that! + + +26 February. + +Yesterday I went again to Warsaw by appointment, to meet a certain Pan +Julius Keo, on whose estates I lodged part of the capital I inherited +from my mother. Pan Julius Keo wants to pay off the mortgage, and +asked me to meet him at a fixed time; and I waited for him the whole +day. The devil take their ways of managing any business in this +country! He will make five other appointments, and not keep one. He is +very rich, wants to get rid of the mortgage, and is able to pay it off +any time; and yet--such is our way of transacting business. + +From my own observations I long since came to the conclusion that in +money matters we are the most flighty and unbusinesslike people in the +world. I, who like to go to the root of matters, often pondered over +this phenomenon. + +According to my ideas, this is the result of the purely agricultural +occupation of the people. Commerce was in the hands of the Jews, and +these could not teach us accuracy; the cultivator of the soil is +unreliable because the soil is unreliable, he is unpunctual because +nature has no punctuality. Working in the soil, they gradually take +some of its characteristics, which enters into their moral being, and +in the course of time becomes an inherited defect. + +The knowledge of cause and effect does not restore me to an equable +temper. I had to tear myself away from Aniela for a whole day, and +what is more, shall have to go through the some process a few +days hence; but it cannot be helped. In my aunt's house I found +visiting-cards from Kromitzki,--one for me and two for the elder +ladies. I was afraid he might take it into his head to pay us a +visit at Ploszow; to avoid that, I went out to leave my card on him. +Unfortunately for me, he was at home, and I had to stay half an hour. +He began his conversation by telling me that he had promised to call +at Ploszow; to which I replied that we had gone there merely for a few +days, and would be back in town almost immediately. He asked after +Aniela's mother, and very guardedly after Aniela herself. He evidently +wanted to impress me with the fact that he inquired as a mere +acquaintance. I am so impressionable that even this gave me a twinge; +how I loathe that man! I fancy the Tartars under Batu Khan must have +played many pranks in what is to-day Austrian Silesia, when looting +the country after the battle of Liegnitz. That those black eyes, like +roasted coffee-berries, did not come from Silesian ancestors, I have +not the slightest doubt. + +He was exceedingly polite to me, because I am rich. It is true, he +wants nothing from me,--I do not give him anything, and my being rich +is of no advantage to him; but as a financier he worships money. We +spoke about the difficulties in which Aniela's mother was and is still +involved. According to Kromitzki, a great deal of her fortune might +still be saved if she would part with the estate. Kromitzki looks upon +the reluctance to part with ancestral lands as a mere fad. He said he +might be able to understand it if she had the means to prevent it, but +as the case stood it was mere sentimentality. + +He is very talkative, and discussed at some length our national +idiocy. Money was lying on the pavement, to be had for the picking up. +His father, like other noblemen, had left scarcely any fortune; when +all debts were cleared off there remained a paltry hundred thousand +florins, and the world knew how he, Kromitzki, stood at present. + +"If that business in Turkestan comes off, I shall be able to wind up +my affairs. The Jews and Greeks have made millions in the contract +business; why should not we be able to do as well? I do not put +myself as an example; but I say, why should we not? There is room for +everybody,--why not go in for it?" + +According to my opinion, Kromitzki has a certain aptness for business, +but is foolish in a general sense. That we are shiftless, everybody +knows that; and that here and there somebody makes a fortune by +contracts, I can well believe; but the greater part of the people must +work at home, and not look for millions from contracts in Turkestan. + +May God save Aniela from an alliance with that man. He may have some +good qualities, but he belongs to a different moral type. If there be +a worse fate in store for her, ought I to hesitate any longer? + + +28 February. + +The elder ladies seem uneasy that the affair is not going on as +speedily as they had fancied; my aunt, who is of an impatient temper, +must chafe inwardly not a little. But the expression of happiness on +Aniela's face soothes them, and allays their fears. I can read in her +eyes endless trust and thorough belief in me. She fills my thoughts so +that I cannot think of anything but her. I desire her more and more, +and do not want to play upon her feelings any longer,--I want her. + + +4 March. + +This day has been to me of so much importance that I am obliged to +muster all my calmness and self-possession to put down everything in +its proper order. Nevertheless, I cannot contain myself. The die is +cast, or as good as cast. I could not have gone on quietly, had I not +put that down. + +And now I can begin. Sniatynski and his wife arrived here towards +noon, for an early dinner. He had to go back, as a new play of his +is coming out at the theatre. However happy we may be in our rural +seclusion, we are always delighted to see them. Aniela is great +friends with Pani Sniatynska, and I suppose there will be an exchange +of confidences. Pani Sniatynska guessed at the state of things, and +tried to put her hand to the wheel, to make the cart go a little +faster. She had only just arrived, when she said to my aunt:-- + +"How lovely and peaceful everything is here! No wonder the young +people there do not pine after the dissipations of town." + +We both, Aniela and I, understood perfectly well that Pani Sniatynska, +calling us the young people, was not referring only to our age. +Besides, she repeated the same thing several times during dinner: "the +young people," "the young couple," as if making a pointed difference +between us two and the elder ladies. But there was such real sympathy +for us in the friendly eyes; such a pricking up of her little ears to +hear what we were saying to each other; and the little woman looked so +charming withal that I forgive her readily her good-natured meddling. +I have arrived at such a state of infatuation that this coupling of +our names rather gladdens than irritates me. Aniela too seemed to hear +it with pleasure. In her efforts to please the Sniatynskis and the +attentions she bestowed on them during dinner, she truly looked like a +young bride, who receives dear visitors for the first time in her new +home. At the sight of this my aunt's heart seemed to swell, and she +said many kind and polite things to both Sniatynskis. I noticed a +wonderful thing, which I should not believe had I not seen it with my +own eyes. Pani Sniatynska blushes up to her ears when anybody praises +her husband! To blush with pleasure when her husband is praised after +eight years of married life! Surely, I committed an egregious mistake +writing as I did about Polish women. + +The dinner passed off very pleasantly. A married couple, like these +two, are born matchmakers. The very sight of them sets people +thinking: "If married life is like that, let us go and commit +matrimony." I at least saw it for the first time in a quite different +light,--not as the prose of life, a commonplace, more or less +skilfully disguised indifference, but as a thing to be desired. + +Aniela evidently read our future in the same light; I saw it in her +eyes shining with happiness. + +After dinner I remained in the dining-room with Sniatynski, who liked +a quiet talk over a glass of cognac after his coffee. The elder ladies +went to the drawing-room, and Aniela took Pani Sniatynska upstairs to +show her some photographs of Volhynia. I questioned Sniatynski about +his new play, the fate of which seemed to make him a little anxious. +Our conversation drifted on to those times when we both tried our +sprouting wings. He told me how afterwards, step by step, he had +worked his way upward; how he had been full of doubts, and still +doubted his power, in spite of having acquired a certain reputation. + +"Tell me," I asked, "what do you do with your fame?" + +"How do you mean what I do with my fame?" + +"For instance, do you wear it as a crown on your head, or as a golden +fleece round your neck? do you put it over your writing-desk, or hang +it up in your drawing-room? I only ask as a man who has no idea what +to do with it if he once obtains it?" + +"Let us suppose I have won it; the man must be deuced ill-bred +mentally either to wear the so-called fame as an ornament or to put it +up for show. I confess that at first it gratifies one's vanity; but +only a spiritual parvenu would find it sufficient to fill the whole +life, or take the place of real happiness. It is quite another thing +to be conscious you are doing good work; that the public appreciates +it, and that your work calls forth an echo in other minds,--a public +man has the right to feel pleased with that. But as to feeling +gratified when somebody, looking more or less foolish, comes up and +says: 'We are indebted to you for so much pleasure;' or, when a dinner +does not agree with me, our daily press remarks: 'We communicate +to our readers the sad news that our famous XX suffers from a +stomachache,'--pshaw! what do you take me for, that such a thing could +give me satisfaction?" + +"Listen," I said, "I am not inordinately vain; but I confess that, +when people speak of my extraordinary talents, and regret that I make +not a better use of them, it flatters me; and though I feel more +than ever my uselessness, it gives me pleasure; humankind is fond of +approbation." + +"That is because you pity yourself, and in that you are quite right. +But you are turning away from the question. I do not say that it would +give one pleasure to be called an ass." + +"But the public esteem that goes hand in hand with fame?" + +Sniatynski, who is very lively and always walks about the room, +sitting down on any table or chair, now sat on the window-sill, and +replied:-- + +"Public esteem? You are wrong there, old fellow; there is no such +thing. Ours is a strange society, dominated by a pure republican +jealousy. I write plays, work for the stage; very good. I have gained +a certain reputation; better still. Now, these plays excite the +jealousy,--of another playwright, you think? Not at all; it is the +engineer, the bank clerk, the teacher, the physician, the railway +official,--in short, people who never wrote a play in their +lives,--that envy you. All these in their intercourse will show that +they do not think much of you, will speak slightingly of you behind +your back, and belittle you on purpose, so as to add an inch or two to +their own height. 'Sniatynski? who is he? Yes, I remember; he dresses +at the same tailor as I.' Such is fame, my dear fellow." + +"But if must be worth something, since people risk their lives for +it?" + +Sniatynski grew thoughtful, and replied with a certain gravity:-- + +"In private life it is worth something; you can make a footstool of it +for the woman you love." + +"You will gain a new fame by this definition." + +Sniatynski rushed at me with lively impetuosity. + +"Yes, yes; put all your laurels into a cushion, go to the dear one, +and say to her: 'This for which people risk their lives; this which +they consider supreme happiness, appreciate more than wealth,--I have +got it, striven for it; and now put your dear feet on it at once.' If +you do this, you will be loved all your life. You wanted to know what +fame is good for, and there you are." + +Further discussions were cut short by the entrance of Pani Sniatynska +and Aniela. They were dressed for going out to the hot-houses. What an +imp of mischief lurks in that little woman. She came up to her husband +to ask his permission to go out, which he granted, insisting only that +she should wrap herself up warm; she turned to me and said with a +roguish smile,-- + +"You will let Aniela go, will you not?" + +That Aniela should blush furiously was only natural, but that I, +an old stager, a razor sharpened against the strops of so many +experiences, should have betrayed so much confusion, I cannot forgive +myself. But, putting on a semblance of self-possession, I went up to +Aniela, and raising her hand to my lips, said:-- + +"It is Aniela who gives orders at Ploszow, and I am her humble +subject." + +I should have liked to take Sniatynski with me and join the excursion, +but refrained. I felt a want to speak about Aniela, my future +marriage, and I knew that sooner or later Sniatynski himself would +broach the question. I gave him an opening after the ladies had left +us by saying:-- + +"And do you still believe as firmly as ever in your life-dogmas?" + +"More than ever, or rather, the same as ever. There is no expression +more worn to tatters than the word 'love;' one scarcely likes to use +it; but between ourselves, I tell you; love in the general meaning, +love in the individual sense does not permit of criticism. It is one +of the canons of life. My philosophy consists in not philosophizing +about it at all,--and the deuce take me if for the matter of that, I +consider myself more foolish than other people. With love, life is +worth something; without, it is not worth a bag of chaff." + +"Let us see what you have to say about individual love,--or better +still, put in its place woman." + +"Very well, let it be woman." + +"My good friend, do you not perceive on what brittle foundation you +are building human happiness?" + +"On about as brittle a foundation as life,--no more nor less!" + +I did not want to drift into a discussion of life and death, and +pulled Sniatynski up. + +"For mercy's sake, do not generalize about individual happiness. You +chanced to find the right woman, another might not." + +He would not even listen to that. According to his view, ninety out of +a hundred were successful. Women were better, purer, and nobler than +men. + +"We are rascals all, in comparison with them!" he shouted, waving his +arms and snaking his leonine mane. "Nothing but rascals! It is I who +say it,--I, who study mankind closely, if only for the reason that I +am a playwright." + +He was sitting astride on his chair, attacking me, as it were, with +the chairback, and went on with his usual impetuosity:-- + +"There are, as Dumas says, apes from the land of Nod, who know neither +curb nor bridle; but what are eyes given for but to see that you do +not take to wife an ape from Nod? Generally speaking a woman does not +betray her husband nor deceive him, unless he himself corrupts her +heart, tramples on her feelings, or repulses and estranges her by his +meanness, his selfishness, narrowness, and his miserable, worthless +nature. You must love her! Let her feel that she is not only your +female, but the crown of your head, as precious as your child and +friend; wear her close to your heart, let her feel the warmth of it, +and you may rest in peace; year after year she will cling closer to +you, until you two are like Siamese twins. If you do not give her all +that, you pervert her, estrange her by your worthlessness,--and she +will leave you. She will leave you as soon as she sees nobler hands +stretched out for her; she is forced to do it, as this warmth, this +appreciation, are as necessary to her life as the air she breathes." + +He charged me with the chairback as with a battering ram. I retreated +before him until we had come close to the window; there he jumped up. + +"How blind you are! In presence of such social drought, such utter +absence of general happiness as stamps our time, not to grasp this +felicity that is within reach! Shiver on the forum, and not light a +fire at home! Idiotism can go no farther! I tell you plainly, go and +get married." + +He pointed through the window at Aniela, who with his wife was coming +back from the hot-houses, and added: "There is your happiness. There +it patters in fur boots on the frozen snow. Take her by weight of +gold, by weight in carats rather! You simply have no home, not only in +a physical sense, but in a moral, intellectual meaning; you have no +basis, no point of rest, and she will give you all that. But do not +philosophize her away as you have philosophized away your abilities +and your thirty-five years of life!" + +He could not have told me anything better, nobler, or what chimed in +more with my own desires. I pressed his hands and replied:-- + +"No, I will not philosophize her away, because I love her." + +Upon this the ladies entered, and Pani Sniatynska observed:-- + +"We heard some disputes when we were leaving, but I see peace is +restored. May I ask what you have been discussing?" + +"Woman, madame," I said. + +"And what was the result?" + +"As you see, a treaty of peace sealed by a grasp of the hand, and +something further may come of it in the course of time." + +The sledge was already waiting at the door. The short day was drawing +to its close, and they had to go back; but as the weather was calm, +and the snow on the drive as smooth as a parquetted floor, we +resolved, Aniela and I, to accompany them as far as the high-road. + +And so we did. After having said good-by to our charming visitors, we +went slowly homeward. It was already dusk; in the dim light I could +still see Aniela's face. She seemed moved, perhaps had opened her +heart to Pani Sniatynska, and even now hoped for the long deferred +word. It was almost burning on my tongue; but, oh, wonder! I who never +yet had lost all my self-possession, I who was used to play upon +heartstrings, who at a fencing match of that kind, if not cleverly, at +least with perfect composure guarded myself against the most masterly +strokes, I was as deeply moved as a lad in his teens. What a +difference from former sentiments. I was afraid I could not find words +to express myself,--and remained silent. + +Thus in silence we approached the veranda. The snow was slippery; +I offered her my arm, and when she leaned on it I felt how all my +desires were centred in her. The feeling grew so intense that it +thrilled my nerves like electric sparks. We entered the hall. There +was nobody there; not even the lamps were lit, the only light came in +fitful gleams from the open stoves. In this half-light and in silence +I began to relieve Aniela of her furs, when suddenly the warmth +emanating from her body seemed to enter into my veins; I put my arm +around her, and drawing her close to me I pressed my lips on her brow. + +It was done almost unconsciously, and Aniela must have been greatly +startled, for she made not the slightest resistance. Presently a +footstep became audible; it was the servant with the lamps. She went +upstairs, and I, deeply moved, entered the dining-room. + +To every man who is ever so little enterprising, similar events occur +in the course of life. I am no exception, but, as a rule, I always +kept the mastery over myself. Now it was different. Thoughts and +sensations whirled across my brain like leaves before a gale. +Fortunately the dining-room was empty; my aunt and Aniela's mother +were in the drawing-room, where I joined them after a while. My +thoughts were so far away that I scarcely heard what they were saying +to me. I felt restless. I seemed to see Aniela sitting in her room, +pressing her hands to her temples, trying to realize what it all +meant. Soon Aniela herself came down. I felt relieved, as I had feared +she might not come down again for the evening. She had two burning +spots on either side of her face, and eyes bright as if from recent +slumber. She had tried to cool her face with powder; I saw the traces +on her left temple. The sight of her moved me; I felt that I loved her +deeply. + +Presently she stooped over some needlework. I saw that her breath came +and went irregularly, and once or twice I intercepted a quick glance +full of unsettled questions and trouble. + +In order to set her mind at rest I thrust myself into the conversation +of the elder ladies, who were speaking about Sniatynski, and said:-- + +"Sniatynski considers me a kind of Hamlet, and says I philosophize too +much; but I am going to show him that he is mistaken, and that not +later than to-morrow." + +I laid some stress on the "to-morrow," and Aniela caught the meaning, +for she gave me a long look; but my aunt, all unconscious, asked:-- + +"Are you going to see him to-morrow?" + +"We ought to go and see his play, and if Aniela agrees we will all go +to-morrow." + +The dear girl looked at me shyly but trustingly, and said, with +indescribable sweetness:-- + +"I will go with great pleasure." + +There was a moment when I could scarcely contain myself, and felt +I ought to speak there and then; but I had said "to-morrow," and +refrained. + +I feel like a man who shuts his eyes and ears before taking the final +plunge. But I really think it is a costly pearl I shall find at the +bottom of the deep. + + +CASA OSORIA, 6 March. + +Yesterday I arrived at Rome. My father is not quite so bad as I +had feared. His left arm and the left side of his body are almost +paralyzed, but the doctor tells me his heart is not threatened, and +that he may live for years. + + +7 March. + +I left Aniela in doubt, expectation, and suspense. But I could not do +otherwise. The day following the Sniatynskis' visit, the very day I +was going to ask Aniela to be my wife, I received a letter from my +father telling me about his illness. + +"Make haste, dear boy," he wrote, "for I should like to see you before +I die, and I feel my bark very close to the shore." + +After the receipt of such a letter I took the first train, and never +stopped until I reached Rome. When leaving Ploszow I had very little +hope to find my father alive. In vain my aunt tried to comfort me, +saying if things were so bad he would surely have sent a telegram +instead of a letter. + +I know my father's little oddities, among which is a rooted dislike to +telegrams. But my aunt's composure was only put on, at the bottom she +felt as frightened as myself. + +In the hurry, the sudden shock, and under the horror of my father's +likely death, I could not speak of love and marriage. It seemed +against nature, almost a brutal thing, to whisper words of love, not +knowing whether at the same time my father might not be breathing his +last. They all understood that, and especially Aniela. + +"I will write to you from Rome," I said before starting; to which she +replied: "May God comfort you first." + +She trusts me altogether. Rightly or wrongly, I have the reputation +of fickleness in regard to women, and Aniela must have heard remarks +about it; maybe it is for that very reason the dear girl shows such +unbounded confidence in me. I understand, and can almost hear the +pure soul saying: "They wrong you,--you are not fickle; and those who +accuse you of fickleness do not know what love means, and did not love +you as truly and deeply as I love you." + +Perhaps I am a little fickle by nature, and this disposition, +developed under the influence of the barren, empty, worthless +sentiments I met with in the world,--this might have dried up my heart +and corrupted it altogether; in which case Aniela would have to pay +for the sins of others. But I believe the case is not hopeless, and +the blessed physician has not come too late. Who knows whether it be +ever too late, and that the pure, honest love of a woman does not +possess the power to raise the dead? Perhaps, too, the masculine heart +has a greater power of recuperation. There is a legend about the rose +of Jericho, which, though dry to the core, revives and brings forth +leaves when touched by a drop of dew. I have noticed that the male +nature has more elasticity than the female. A man steeped in such +utter corruption that half of its venom would cover the woman with +moral leprosy is able to throw off the contagion, and recover easily +not only his moral freshness, but even a certain virginity of heart. +It is the same with the affections. I have known women whose hearts +were so used up that they lost every capacity of loving, even of +respecting anything or anybody. I have never known men like that. +Decidedly, love cleanses our hearts. Definitions like these sound +strange from a sceptic's pen; but in the first place I have no more +belief in my doubts than I have in any other kind of assertions, +axioms, and observations which serve general humanity as a basis of +life. I am ready to admit at any moment that my doubts are as far +removed from the essence of things as are these axioms. Secondly, I +am writing now under the influence of my love for Aniela, who, maybe, +does not know herself how wisely she is acting, and how by that very +trust in me she has secured a powerful hold on my affections. Lastly, +whenever I speak of love, or any other principle of life, I speak and +write of it as it appears to me in the present. What my opinion about +it will be to-morrow, I do not know. Ah, if I but knew that whatever +view I take or principle I confess would withstand the blasting +scepticism of to-morrow or the days following, I would make it my +canon of life, and float along with sails unfurled, like Sniatynski, +in the light, instead of groping my way in darkness and solitude. + +But I do not intend to go back now to my inner tragedy. As to love in +general, from the standpoint of a sceptic in regard to the world and +its manifestations, I might say with Solomon, "Vanitas vanitatum;" +but I should be utterly blind did I not perceive that of all active +principles this is the most powerful,--so powerful indeed that +whenever I think of it or my eyes roam over the everlasting ocean +of all-life, I am simply struck with amazement at its almightiness. +Though these are known things, as much known as the rising of the sun +and the tides of the ocean, nevertheless they are always wonderful. + +After Empedocles, who divined that Eros evolved the worlds from Chaos, +metaphysics have not advanced one step. Only death is a power equally +absolute; yet in the eternal struggle between the two, love is the +stronger; love conquers death by night and day, conquers it every +spring, follows death step by step, throwing fresh grain into the gulf +it creates. People occupied with every-day affairs forget or do not +wish to remember that they are love's servants. It is strange when we +come to think of it that the warrior, the chancellor of state, the +cultivator of the soil, the merchant, the banker, in all their +efforts, which apparently have nothing to do with love, are merely +furthering its ends; that is, they serve the law of nature which bids +the man to stretch out his arms for the woman. A mad paradox it would +seem to a Bismarck if he were told that the final and only aim of all +his endeavors is to further the love of Hermann and Dorothea. It seems +even to me a paradox; and yet Bismarck's aim is the consolidation of +the German empire, and this can be achieved only through Hermann and +Dorothea. What else, then, has a Bismarck to do but to create by +the help of politics and bayonets such conditions that Hermann and +Dorothea may love each other in peace, unite in happiness, and bring +up new generations? + +When at the university I read an Arabian ghazel in which the poet +compares the power of love to that of infernal torments. I forget the +name of the poet, but the idea remained in my memory. Truly, love is +the one power that lasts for all times, holds the world together, and +creates new worlds. + + +10 March. + +To-day I tore up three or four letters to Aniela. After dinner, I went +into my father's room to talk with him about my aunt's plans. I found +him looking through a lens at some epilichnions with the earth still +adhering to them, he had received from the Peloponnesus. How splendid +he looked in that light coming through stained windows in the large +room full of Etruscan vases, statues more or less mutilated, and all +kinds of Greek and Roman treasures. Among these surroundings his face +reminded me of a divine Plato or of some other Greek sage. When I +entered he interrupted his work, listened attentively to what I had to +say, and then asked, "Do you hesitate?" + +"No, I do not hesitate, but I am reflecting. I want to know why I want +it." + +"Then I will tell you this; I was once like you, inclined to analyze +not only my own feelings but all manifestations of life. When I came +to know your mother I lost that faculty at once. I knew one thing +only, that I wanted her, and did not care to know anything else. +Therefore if you have a like powerful desire, marry. I express myself +wrongly, for if you wish it very much you will do it without anybody's +help or advice, and be as happy as I was until your mother died." + +We remained silent for some time. If I were to apply my father's words +closely to my own case, I should feel small comfort. I love Aniela, +there is no doubt; but I have not arrived yet at a state that +precludes all reflection. But I do not consider this as a bad sign; +it simply means that I belong to a generation that has gone a step +farther on the way to knowledge. + +There are always two persons within me,--the actor, and the spectator. +Often the spectator is dissatisfied with the actor, but at present +they both agree. + +My father was the first to interrupt the silence. + +"Tell me what she is like." + +Since a description is an unsatisfactory way of painting a portrait, I +showed my father a large and really excellent photograph of Aniela, at +which he looked with the keenest interest. I was no less interested in +the study of his face, in which I saw not only the roused artist, +but also the refined connoisseur of female beauty, the old Leon +_l'Invincible_. Resting the photograph on the poor hand half +paralyzed, he put on his eyeglass with the right, and then holding the +likeness at a longer or shorter distance he began to say: "But for +certain details, the face is like one of those Ary-Schaeffer liked to +paint. How lovely she would look with tears in her eyes. Some people +dislike angelic faces in women, but I think that to teach an angel +how to become a woman is the very height of victory. She is very +beautiful, very uncommon looking. 'Enfin, tout ce qu'il y a de plus +beau au monde--c'est la femme.'" + +Here he fumbled with his eyeglass, and then added: "Judging by the +face, or rather by the photograph (sometimes one makes mistakes, but I +have had some practice), hers is a thoroughly loyal nature. Women of +this type are in love with the whiteness of their plumage. God bless +you, my boy! I like her very much, this Aniela of yours. I used to be +afraid you might end by marrying a foreigner--let it be Aniela." + +I came up close to him and he put his arm round my neck. + +"I should like to see my future daughter before I die." + +I assured him that he would certainly see her shortly. Then I unfolded +my plans of bringing Aniela and her mother over to Rome. After a +betrothal by letter I might expect as much, and the ladies would not +refuse, if only out of consideration for my father. In this case the +marriage ceremony would take place at Rome, and that very soon. + +My father was delighted with the plan; old and sick people like to see +around them life and motion. I knew that Aniela would be pleased with +this turn of affairs, and let my thoughts dwell upon it with more and +more pleasure. Within a few weeks everything would be settled. Such +quick decision would be against my nature, but the very idea that I +could exert myself if I wished raised my spirits. I already saw myself +escorting Aniela about Rome. Only those who live there understand +what a delight it is to show to anybody the endless treasures of that +city,--a much greater delight when the somebody is the beloved woman. + +Our conversation was interrupted by a visit from Mr. and Mrs. Davis, +who come every day to see my father. He is an English Jew, and she +an Italian nobleman's daughter who married him for the sake of his +wealth. Mr. Davis himself is a valetudinarian, who took out of his +life twice as much as his poor organization could bear. He is ill, +threatened with softening of the brain, indifferent to everything that +goes on around him,--one of those specimens of mankind one meets at +hydropathic establishments. Mrs. Davis looks like a Juno; her eyebrows +meet on her forehead, and she has the figure of a Greek statue. I do +not like her; she reminds me of the leaning tower at Pisa,--leans but +does not fall. A year ago I paid her some attentions; she flirted with +me outrageously, that was all. My father has a singular weakness for +her; I thought at times he was in love with her. At any rate, he +admires her from a thinker and artist's point of view; for beautiful +she is,--there can be no two opinions as to that,--and of more than +average intelligence. Their conversations, which my father calls +"causeries Romaines," are endless, and they never seem to get tired of +them; maybe these discussions about life's problems with a beautiful +woman appear Italian to him, poetical, and worthy of the times of the +Renaissance. I very seldom take part in these conversations because +I do not believe in Mrs. Davis' sincerity. It seems to me that her +intellect is merely a matter of brain, and not of soul, and that in +reality she does not care for anything except her beauty and the +comforts of life. I have often met women who seem full of lofty +aspiration; upon closer acquaintance it seems that religion, +philosophy, art, and literature, are only so many items of their +toilet. They dress themselves in either as it suits their style of +beauty. I suppose it is the same with Mrs. Davis; she drapes herself +in problems of life, sometimes in Greek and Roman antiquities, in the +Divina Commedia, or the Renaissance, the churches, museums, and so +forth. I can understand a powerful intellectual organism making itself +the centre of the universe; but in a woman, and one who is bent upon +futile things, it is mere laughable egoism and vanity. + +I ask myself what makes Mrs. Davis so fond of my father; and I fancy +I know the reason. My father, with his fine head of a patrician +philosopher, and his manners reminding one of the eighteenth +century, is for her a kind of _objet d'art_, and still more, a grand +intelligent mirror, in which she can admire her own beauty and +cleverness; besides, she feels grateful that he never criticises her, +and likes her very much. Upon this basis has sprung up a friendship, +or rather a kind of affection for my father which gradually has become +a necessity of her life. Moreover, Mrs. Davis has the reputation of a +coquette, and coming here to see my father every day, she says to +the world: "It is not true; this old man is seventy, and nobody can +suspect me of flirting with him, and yet I show him more attentions +than to any one else." Finally, though she herself comes from an old +family, Mr. Davis, in spite of his wealth, is a mere nobody, and their +friendship with my father strengthens their position in society. There +was a time when I asked myself whether these daily visits were not +partly for my sake--and who knows? At any rate, it is not my qualities +which attract her, nor any real feeling on her part. But she feels +that I do not believe in her, and this irritates her. I should not +wonder if she hated me, and yet would like to see me at her feet. I +might have been, for she is a splendid specimen of the human species; +I would have been, if only for the sake of the meeting eyebrows and +the Juno shoulders,--but at a price she does not feel inclined to pay. + +Soon after the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Davis my father began a +philosophical discussion, which, going from one question to another, +concluded with an analysis of human feelings. Mrs. Davis made +several very shrewd remarks. From the studio we went to the terrace +overlooking our gardens. It is only the tenth of March, and here +spring is at its best. This year everything is much advanced,--fierce +heat in the daytime, the magnolias covered with snow-white blossoms, +and the nights as warm as in July. What a different world from that of +Ploszow. I breathe here with all my lungs. + +Mrs. Davis on the terrace with the moon shining upon her was +beautiful as a Greek dream. I saw she was under the influence of that +indescribable Roman night. Her voice was softer, even, and more mellow +than usual. Perhaps even now she only thinks of herself, is impressed +because it is herself who feels it, dresses herself in moonbeams, +restfulness, and magnolia scent as in a new shawl or bonnet. But all +the same the dress suits her splendidly. Were it not that my heart is +full of Aniela, I should fall under the spell of the picture. Besides +this, she said things which not many could have conceived. + +All the same, whenever I am present at these _causeries Romaines_ +I have always a feeling that my father, I, such as Mrs. Davis, and +generally speaking, all the people of the so-called upper classes do +not live a true, real life. Below us something is always going +on, something always happens; there is the struggle for life, for +bread,--a life full of diligent work, animal necessities, appetites, +passions, every-day efforts,--a palpable life, which roars, leaps, and +tumbles like ocean waves; and we are sitting eternally on terraces, +discussing art, literature, love, woman, strangers to that other +life far removed from it, obliterating, out of the seven, the six +work-days. Without being conscious of it, our inclinations, +nerves, and soul are fit only for holidays. Immersed into blissful +dilettantism as in a warm bath, we are half awake, half dreaming. +Consuming leisurely our wealth, and our inherited supply of nerves and +muscles, we gradually lose our foothold upon the soil. We are as the +down, carried away by the wind. Scarcely do we touch ground, when the +real life pushes us back, and we draw aside; for we have no power of +resistance. + +When I think of it I see nothing but contradictions in us. We consider +ourselves the outcome and highest rung of civilization, and yet have +lost faith in ourselves; only the most foolish believe in our _raison +d'etre._ We look out instinctively for places of enjoyment, gayety, +and happiness, and yet we do not believe in happiness. Though our +pessimism be wan and ephemeral as the clouds from our Havanas, it +obscures our view of wider horizons. Amidst these clouds and mists +we create for ourselves a separate world, a world torn off from the +immensity of all life, shut up within itself, a little empty and +somnolent. If this merely concerned the aristocracy, whether by +descent or wealth, the portent would be less weighty. But to this +isolated world belong more or less all those who boast of a higher +culture,--men of science, literature, and art. This world does not +dwell within the very marrow of life, but parting from it creates a +separate circle; in consequence withers within itself and does not +help in softening down the animalism of those millions which writhe +and surge below. + +I do not speak as a reformer, because I lack the strength. Besides, +what matters it to me? Who can avoid the inevitable? But at times I +have the dim presentiment of a terrible danger which threatens the +cultured world. The great wave which will wash us from off the surface +of the earth will carry off more than that one which washed away +hairpowder and shirtfrills. It is true that to those who perished then +it seemed that with them the whole civilization was perishing. + +In the mean while it is pleasant to sit on moonlit terraces and talk +in subdued tones about art, love, and woman, and look at the divine +profile of such a woman as Mrs. Davis. + + +10 March. + +Mountains, towers, rocks, the further they recede from our view, +appear as a mere outline through a veil of blue haze. There is a kind +of psychical blue haze that enfolds those who are removed from us. +Death itself is a removal, but the chasm is so wide that the beloved +ones who have crossed it disappear within the haze and become as +beloved shadows. The Greek genius understood this when he peopled the +Elysian fields with shadows. + +But I will not enlarge upon these mournful comparisons, especially +when I want to write about Aniela. I am quite certain my feelings +towards her have not changed, but I seem to see her a long distance +off, shrouded in a blue haze and less real than at Ploszow. I do not +feel her through my senses. When I compare my present feelings with +those I had at Ploszow, she is more of a beloved spirit than a desired +woman. From a certain point of view it is better, as a desired woman +might be even such a woman as Mrs. Davis; but on the other hand this +is not one of the reasons that have prevented me from writing to +Aniela. Doubtless that profile of Mrs. Davis which I still see before +me is a mere passing impression. When I compare these two women my +feeling for the other becomes very tender; and yet I leave her in +cruel suspense and uncertainty. + +To-day my father wrote to my aunt, setting her mind at rest as to his +health, and I added a postscript from myself, sending kind regards +to Aniela and her mother. I could not say much in a few lines, but I +might have promised them a longer letter. Such a promise would have +comforted Aniela and the elder ladies. I did not do it because I could +not. To-day my spirits are at a very low ebb. My wish for another +life, and my trust in the future have retreated into the farthest +distance; I can see them no more, see only the barren, sandy +wilderness. I cannot get rid of the idea that I can only marry Aniela +if I can conscientiously believe that our union would lead to mutual +happiness. I cannot represent it otherwise to Aniela without uttering +a lie; for I have none of that belief, and instead of it an utter +hopelessness almost a dislike of life. She is ill at ease with longing +and uncertainty, but I am worse, all the more so because I love her. + + +11 March. + +Mrs. Davis, to whom, during our _causerie_ on the moonlit terrace, I +unfolded my view as to the all-powerfulness of love, more or less as I +have written it down, called me Anacreon, and advised me to crown my +head with vine leaves, and then said more soberly, "If such be your +opinions, why play the part of pessimist? Belief in such a deity ought +to make any man happy." + +Why? I did not tell her, but I know why. Love conquers death, but +saves from it only the species. What matters it to me that the species +be preserved, when I, the individual, am sentenced to a merciless, +unavoidable death? Is it not rather a refined cruelty that the very +affections, which can be felt only by the individual, should serve the +future of the species only? To feel the throbbing of an eternal power, +and yet to die,--that is the height of misery. In reality there +exists only the individual; the species is an abstract idea, and in +comparison to the individual, an utter Nirvana. I understand the love +for a son, a grandson, a great grandson,--for the individual, in fact, +that is sentenced to perish,--but to profess love for one's species +one needs be insincere, or a fanatical sectarian. I can understand now +how centuries after Empedocles there came Schopenhauer and Hartmann. + +My brain feels as sore as the back of the laborer who carries burdens +beyond his strength. But the laborer stooping to his work earns his +daily bread and is at peace. + +I still seem to hear Sniatynski's words: "Do not philosophize +her away, as you have philosophized away your abilities and your +thirty-five years of life." I know it leads to nothing, I know it is +wrong, but I do not know how not to think. + + +13 March. + +My father died this morning. He was ill only a few hours. + + +PELI, VILLA LAURA, 22 March. + +Death is such a gulf, and though we know that all have to go thither, +yet when it swallows up one of our dear ones, we who remain on the +brink are torn with fear, sorrow, and despair. On that brink all +reasoning leaves us, and we only cry out for help which cannot come +from anywhere. The only solace and comfort lies in faith, but he who +is deprived of that light gets well-nigh maddened by the impenetrable +darkness. Ten times a day it seems to me impossible, too horrible, +that death should be the end of everything,--and then again, a dozen +times I feel that such is the case. + + +23 March. + +When I arrived from Ploszow I found my father so much better that it +never even entered my mind that the end could be so near. What strange +twists there are in the human mind. God knows how sincerely I rejoiced +when I found my father so much better than I had thought, and yet +because throughout that anxious journey I had fancied him sick unto +death, and already saw myself kneeling at his coffin, I was sorry +for my wasted anxieties. Now the memory of this fills me with keen +remorse. + +How thoroughly unhappy is the individual whose heart and soul have +lost their simplicity. Thus not less bitter, not less of a reproach is +the remembrance that at my father's deathbed there were two persons in +me: one of them the son full of anguish, who gnawed his hands to keep +back his sobs; the other the philosopher, who studied the psychology +of death. I am unutterably unhappy because my nature is an unhappy +one. + +My father died with full consciousness. Saturday evening he felt a +little worse. I sent for the doctor, that he might be at hand in case +we should want him. The doctor prescribed some physic, and my father, +according to his habit, disputed the point, demonstrating that the +physic would bring on a stroke. The doctor calmed my fears, and said +though there was always fear of another stroke, he saw no immediate +danger, and that my father most likely would live for many years to +come. He repeated the same to the patient, who, hearing of the many +years to come, incredulously shook his head and said: "We will see." +As he has always been in the habit of contradicting his doctors, and +proving to them that they know nothing, I did not take his words +seriously. Towards ten at night, when taking his tea, he suddenly rose +and called out:-- + +"Leon, come here, quick!" + +A quarter of an hour later he was in his bed, and within an hour he +was dying. + + +24 March. + +I am convinced that people preserve their idiosyncracies and +originality to the last minute of their life. Thus my father, in the +solemn dignity of thoughts at the approaching end, still showed a +gratified vanity that he, and not the doctor, had been right, and that +his unbelief in medicine was well founded. I listened to what he said, +and besides, read his thoughts in his face. He was deeply impressed +with the importance of the moment; there was also curiosity as to the +future life,--not a shadow of doubt as to its existence, but rather a +certain uneasiness about how he would be received, joined to an almost +unconscious, unsophisticated belief that he would not be treated as a +mere nobody in particular. I shall never die like this, because I have +no basis to uphold me in the hour of death. My father parted with his +life in absolute faith and the deep contrition of a true Christian. At +the moment when he received the last sacraments he was so venerable, +so purely saintly, that his image will remain with me always. + +How futile, how miserable, appears to me my scepticism in presence of +that immense power of faith that, stronger even than love, triumphs +over death at the very moment when it extinguishes life. After having +received the last sacraments, a great tenderness took possession of +him. He grasped my hand strongly, almost convulsively, and did not let +it go again, as if through me he wanted to hold fast to life. And yet +it was neither fear nor despair that moved him, he was not in the +least afraid. Presently I saw the eyes riveted upon my face grow dim +and fixed, his forehead became moist, as if covered by a gentle dew; +he opened his mouth several times as if to catch his breath,--sighed +deeply once more,--and died. + +I was not present at the embalming of the body,--I had not the +strength; but after that I did not leave the dear remains for a +minute, out of fear they might treat him as a thing of no consequence. +How truly awful are those last rites of death,--the whole funereal +paraphernalia, the candles, the misericordia, with the covered faces +of the singers. It still clings to my ears, the "Anima ejus," and +"Requiem aeternam." There breathes from it all the gloomy, awful +spirit of Death. We carried the remains to Santa Maria Maggiore, and +there I looked for the last time at the dear, grand face. The Campo +Santo looks already like a green isle. Spring is very early this +year. The trees are in bloom and the white marble monuments bathed in +sunshine. What an awful contrast, the young, nascent life, the budding +trees, the birds in full song,--and a funeral. Crowds of people filled +the cemetery, for my father was known for his benevolence in Rome as +much as my aunt is at Warsaw. All these people so full of life, as +if reflecting the joys of spring, jarred upon my feelings. Crowds, +especially in Italy, consider everything as a spectacle got up +for their special benefit, and even now their faces betrayed more +curiosity to see a grand funeral than any sympathy. Human selfishness +knows no limit, and I am convinced that even people morally and +intellectually educated, when following a funeral, feel a kind of +unconscious satisfaction that this has happened to somebody else, and +it is not they who are to be interred. + +My aunt arrived, as I had summoned her by telegram. She, from the +standpoint of faith, looks upon death as a change essentially for the +better; therefore received the blow with far more calmness than I. +This did not prevent her from, shedding bitter tears at her brother's +coffin. + +Afterwards she spoke to me long and tenderly,--a conversation full +of exceeding goodness, I took much amiss at the time, for which I am +sorry now. She did not mention Aniela's name,--spoke only of my future +loneliness, and insisted upon my coming to Ploszow; where, surrounded +by tender hearts, especially the one old heart which loved me beyond +everything on earth, I would feel less sad. I saw in all this only +her desire to continue her matchmaking; and in presence of my recent +bereavement this seemed to me improper, and irritated me very much. I +felt not inclined to think of the life before me, nor of love-speeches +or weddings, with the shadow of death across my path. I refused +peremptorily, even curtly; told my aunt I was going away,--most likely +to Corfu, then would come back to Rome in order to arrange my father's +affairs, and after that would come to Ploszow. + +She did not insist upon having her own way. Feeling deeply for me, she +was even more gentle than usual, and left Rome three days after the +funeral. I did not go to Corfu; instead of that, Mr. and Mrs. Davis +carried me off to their villa at Peli, where I have been now for +several days. Whether Mrs. Davis is sincere or not I do not know, and +will not even enter upon that now; I know only that no sister could +have shown more sympathy and solicitude. With a nature poisoned by +scepticism, I am always prone to suspect and misjudge those around me; +but if it should be proved that I misjudged this woman, I should feel +truly guilty,--because her goodness to me is quite extraordinary. + + +26 March. + +My windows look out upon the vast blueness of the Mediterranean, +encompassed by bands of a darker blue on the far horizon. Close to the +villa, the crisped waves glitter like fiery scales; in the distance, +the sea is glassy and still, as if lulled to sleep in its blue veil. +White lateen sails flash in the sun, and once a day a steamer from +Marseilles for Genoa passes hence, dragging in her wake woolly coils +of smoke that hang over the sea like a dark cloud, until it +gradually dissolves and disappears. The restfulness of the place is +indescribable. Thoughts dissolve like yonder black cloud between the +blue sky and azure sea, and life is a blissful vegetation. + +I felt very tired yesterday, but to-day I inhale with eager lungs the +fresh sea-breezes, that leave a salty taste on my lips. Say what they +like, the Riviera is one of the gems of God's creation. I fancy to +myself how the wind whistles at Ploszow; the sudden changes from mild +spring weather to wintry blasts; the darkness, sleet, and hail, with +intermittent gleams of sunshine. Here the sky is transparent and +serene; the soft breeze which even now caresses my face comes through +the open window together with the scent of heliotropes, roses, and +mignonette. It is the enchanted land, where the orange blossoms, and +also an enchanted palace; because everything that millions can buy, +combined with the exquisite taste of Mrs. Davis, is to be found in +this villa. I am surrounded by masterworks of art,--statues, pictures, +matchless specimens of ceramics, chased works by Benvenuto. Eyes +feast on nature, feast on art, and do not know where to dwell +longest,--unless it be on the splendid pagan, the mistress of all +these splendors, and whose only religion is beauty. + +But is it quite just to call her a pagan? because, I say again, +whether sincere or not, she shares my sorrows and tries to soothe +them. We talk for hours about my father, and I have often seen tears +in her eyes. Since she found out that music acts soothingly upon my +mind, she plays for hours, and often until late at night. Sometimes +I sit in my room in the dark, look absently at the sea riddled by a +silver network, and listen to the sounds of her music mingling with +the splashing of the waves. I listen until I feel half distracted, +half sleepy,--until in sleep I forget the real life, with all its +sorrows. + + +29 March. + +I do not even feel inclined to write every day. We are reading +together the Divina Commedia,--or rather, its last part. There was +a time when I felt more attracted by the awful plasticity of the +Inferno. Now I like to plunge into the luminous mist, peopled with +still more luminous spirits, of the Dantesque heaven. At times it +seems as if amid all that radiance I see the dear, familiar features, +and my sorrow becomes almost sweet to me. I never before understood +the exceeding beauty of heaven. Never has human mind taken such a +lofty flight, encompassed such greatness, or borrowed such a slice +from infinity as in this sublime, immortal poem. The day before +yesterday and the two days following, we read it together in the boat. +We usually go out a long distance, and when the sea is quite still I +furl the sail; and we read, rocked by the waves,--or rather, she reads +and I listen. Surrounded by the glories of the sunset, far from the +shore, with the most beautiful woman reading to me Dante, I was under +a delusion, that I had been transferred to another world. + + +30 March. + +At times the sorrow that seemed to be lulled to sleep wakes up with +renewed force. I feel then as if I wanted to fly hence. + + +VILLA LAURA, 31 March. + +To-day I thought a great deal about Aniela. I have a strange feeling, +as if lands and seas divided us. It seems to me as if Ploszow were a +Hyperborean island somewhere at the confines of the world. We have +delusions of that kind when personal impression takes the place of +tangible reality. It is not Aniela who is far from me, it is I who go +farther and farther away from the Leon whose heart and thoughts were +once so full of her. This does not mean that my feelings for her have +vanished. By close analysis I find they have only changed in their +active character. Some weeks ago, I loved her and wanted something; I +love her still, but want nothing. My father's death has scattered the +concentration of the feelings. It would be the same, for instance, had +I begun some literary work, and some unfortunate accident interrupted +the even flow of my thoughts. But that is not all. Not long ago, all +the faculties of my mind were strung to their highest pitch; now, +under the influence of a heavy sorrow, a soft atmosphere, and the +gently rocking sea, they have relaxed. I live, as I said before, the +life of a plant; I rest as one rests after a long fatigue, and as if +immersed in a warm bath. Never did I feel less inclined to any kind of +exertion; the very thought of it gives me pain. If I had to choose a +watchword, it would be, "Do not wake me." What will happen when I wake +up, I do not know. I am sad now, but not unhappy; therefore I do not +want to wake up, and do not consider it my duty. It is even difficult +to me to recall the image of the Ploszowski who fancied himself bound +to Aniela. Bound,--why? by what reason? What has happened between us? + +A slight, almost imperceptible kiss on the forehead,--a caress which, +among near relations, can be put down to brotherly affection. These +are ridiculous scruples. I have broken ties far different from these +without the slightest twinge of conscience. Were she not a relation, +it would be a different matter. It is true, she understood it in a +different way, and so did I at the time,--but let it pass. One prick +of conscience more or less, what does it matter? We do worse things +continually, to which the disappointment I caused Aniela is mere +childishness. Conscience that can occupy itself with such peccadilloes +must have nothing else to do. There is about the same proportion of +such kinds of crime to real ones as our conversations on the terrace +to real life. + +Upon the whole, I do foresee what will happen; but I want to be left +in peace at present and not think of anything. "Do not wake me." +To-day it was determined that we ought to leave Peli as soon as the +hot weather sets in,--perhaps in the middle of April,--and go to +Switzerland. Even that terrifies me. I fancy Mrs. Davis will have to +place her husband under restraint; he shows symptoms of insanity. He +says not a word for whole days, but sits staring either at the floor +or at his finger-nails; he is afraid they will come off. These are +with him the consequences of a wild life and narcotics. + +I leave off writing as it is our time for sailing. + + +2 April. + +Yesterday there was a thunderstorm. A strong southern wind drove the +clouds along as a herd of wild horses. It pulled and tore, chased +and scattered them, then got them under and threw them with a mighty +effort upon the sea, which darkened instantly as man in wrath, and +began in its turn to send its foam aloft,--a veritable battle of two +furies, which, battering each other, produce thunder and lightning +flashes. But all this lasted only a short time. We did not go out to +sea, as the waves were too rough. Instead of it we looked at the storm +from the glazed balcony, and sometimes looked at each other. It is no +use deluding myself any longer; there is something going on between +us,--a subtle change in our relations to each other. Neither of us has +said a word or overstepped the boundary line of friendship; neither +has confessed to anything, and yet speaking to each other we feel that +our words serve only to disguise our thoughts. It is the same when we +are in the boat, reading together, or when I listen to her music. +All our acts seem mere shadows,--an outward form that hides the real +essence of things, with its face still veiled, but following us +wherever we go. Neither of us has given it a name; but we both feel +its presence. Manifestations like these take place probably every time +man and woman begin to influence each other. I could not tell +exactly when it began; but I confess it did not come upon me quite +unexpectedly. + +I accepted their hospitality because Mrs. Davis was my father's +friend; and it was she who, after his death, showed me more sympathy +than any one else in Rome. I have so much consciousness of self, am so +able to divide myself, that soon after my arrival here, in spite of +my heavy sorrow I had the presentiment that our mutual relation would +undergo a change. I hated myself that so soon after my father's death +I should harbor thoughts like these; but they were there. I find now +that my presentiments were right. If I said that the changed relation +has still its face veiled, I meant to say that I do not know exactly +when the veil will be torn asunder, and I am under the spell of +expectation. I should be unsophisticated indeed, if I supposed she +were less conscious of all this than I. She is probably more so. +Most likely she is guiding all these changes; and everything that is +happening happens according to her wishes and cool reflection. Diana +the Huntress is spreading her net for the game! But what does it +matter to me? what is there for me to lose? As nearly every man, I am +that kind of game which allows itself to be hunted for the purpose of +turning at a given moment against the hunter. In such circumstances +we all have energy enough. In a hand-to-hand fight, like this, the +victory rests always with us. I know perfectly well that Mrs. Davis +does not love me, any more than I love her. We simply react upon each +other through our pagan nature, our sensuous and artistic instincts. + +With her it is also a question of vanity,--the worse for her, as it +may lead her whither love leads. I shall not go too far. In my feeling +for her there is neither affection nor tenderness,--nothing but +rapture at the sight of nature's masterwork, and the attraction +natural in a man when that masterwork is a woman. My father said that +the height of victory would be to change an angel into a woman; I +maintain that it is no less a triumph to feel around one's neck the +arms, palpitating with life, of a Florentine Venus. + +As far as beauty goes she is the highest expression of whatever the +most exalted imagination is able to conceive. She is a Phryne. It +would turn most men's heads to see her in a tight-fitting riding-habit +that shows the outline of her figure as beautiful as that of a statue. +In the boat, reading Dante, she looked like a Sybil, and one could +understand a Nero's sacrilegious passion. Hers is an almost baleful +beauty. Only the joining eyebrows make her appear a woman of our +times, and this makes her all the more irritating. She has a certain +habit of pushing back her hair by putting both hands at the back of +her head; then her shoulders are raised; the whole shape acquires a +certain curve, and the breast stands firmly out,--and one feels a +desire to carry her off in one's arms from everybody's eyes. + +In each of us there is a hidden Satyr. As to myself, as I said +already, I am highly impressionable; therefore, when I think of it, +that there is something going on between me and this live statue of +a Juno, that some mysterious power pushes us towards each other,--my +head is in a whirl, and I ask myself what would I wish for more +perfect than this. + + +3 April. + +As much as ever woman can show kindness and sympathy to a friend +in trouble, she has shown to me. And yet, strange to say, all this +kindness has upon me the effect of moonlight,--radiance without +warmth; she possesses perfection of form, but there is no soul; with +her all is premeditation, but not nature. There speaks again the +sceptic; but I shall never be so intoxicated as to lose my capacity +of observation. If this divinity were kind, she would be kind to +everybody. Thus, for instance, the way she treats her husband is +enough to destroy any illusion as to her heart. The unfortunate Davis +is such a bloodless creature that he feels chilly in the hottest +sunshine, and oh! so chilly at her side. I never noticed in her the +slightest sign of compassion for his misery. He simply does not exist, +for her. This millionnaire, in the midst of all his wealth, is so poor +that it would rouse any one's pity. He is apparently indifferent +to everything; and yet the human being, with ever so little +consciousness, feels kindness. The best proof of it is that Davis +feels grateful to me because I speak to him now and then about his +health. + +Perhaps it is the instinctive attraction of the weaker towards the +stronger organism. When I look at that face as white as chalk, no +bigger than my fist, those feet like walking-sticks, and that shrunken +figure, wrapped up in a plaid during the hottest of weathers, I am +truly sorry for him. But I will not make myself out better than I am. +I may pity the man; but compassion will not stand in my way. It has +often struck me that, when woman is in question, man becomes pitiless; +it is still a remnant of the animal instinct that fights to the +uttermost for the female. In such a fight between human beings, +whatever shape it takes, the weaker goes to the wall. Even honor is no +curb; it is only religion that condemns it absolutely. + + +12 April. + +I have not written for nearly ten days. The veil was rent a week ago. +I always suspected the sea would help us to an understanding. Women +like Laura never forget the fitting background. If they do charitable +deeds because it enhances their beauty, the more they want beauty when +they fall. Joined to this is their passion for anything out of the +common, which does not spring from the poetical faculties of their +mind, but from a desire to adorn themselves. I have not so lost my +head as not to be able to judge Laura, though really I do not know +whether she has not the right to be what she is, and to think the sun +and stars are made on purpose for her adornment. Absolute beauty, +in the nature of things, must be essentially egotistic, and subject +everything to its rule. Laura is the very incarnation of beauty, and +nobody has the right to ask anything else from her than to be always +and everywhere beautiful; at least, I do not ask for more. + +Thanks to my skill in seamanship, we can be alone on our excursions. +A week ago, on a sultry day, Laura expressed a wish to go out in the +boat. Like a Hecate, she exults in heat. A gentle breeze drove us a +long distance from the shore, and then the wind fell. The lateen sail +hung motionless from the mast. The rays of the sun, reflected from the +glassy surface of the water, increased the heat, although it was late +in the afternoon. Laura threw herself on the Indian matting, and +resting her head against the cushions, remained motionless, all in +a red glow, from the sun filtering through the awning. A strange +laziness had taken possession of me, and at the same time the sight +of this woman with her Greek form that showed through the clinging +drapery sent a thrill of admiration through my veins. Her eyes were +veiled, the lips slightly parted; her whole presence expressed +powerlessness, and seemed to say, "I am weak." + +We came back late to the villa, and the return will remain for a long +time in my memory. After a sunset in which sky and earth seemed to be +wedded in a splendor without limit and without division, there came a +night of such beauty as I had never seen on the Riviera. From the vast +deep rose the immense red orb of the moon, which filled the air with a +mellow light, and at the same time made a broad, luminous path on the +sea, on which we glided towards the shore. There was a gentle swell on +the water, like a heaving sigh. From the little harbor the voices +of the Ligurian fishermen, singing a chorus, came up to us. A light +breeze from the shore wafted towards us the scent of orange-blossoms. +Although not prone to let myself be carried away by my sensations, I +was under the spell of this unutterable sweetness that floated over +land and sea, and clung like dew to soul and body. + +From time to time my eyes rested upon the Helen-like woman whose white +draperies glistened in the moonlight, and I fancied myself living in +ancient Greece, and that we were floating somewhere, maybe towards the +sacred olive groves where the Eleusinian mysteries were enacted. Our +rapture did not seem any more a rapture of the senses, but a cult, a +mystic alliance with that night, that spring, and all nature. + + +15 April. + +The time fixed for our departure has arrived, but we do not depart. My +Hecate does not fear the sun, Mr. Davis likes it, and as far as I am +concerned, whether here or in Switzerland is a matter of indifference. + +A strange thought has taken hold of me; I almost shrink from it, but +nevertheless will confess: It seems to me that a Christian soul, +though the spring of faith be dried up therein, cannot live altogether +on the mere beauty of form. This means more sorrow in store for me; +if the thought proves true the whole basis of my life falls to the +ground. We are beings of a different culture. Our souls are full of +Gothic arches, pinnacles, twisted traceries we cannot shake off, and +of which Greek minds knew nothing. Our minds shoot upward; theirs, +full of repose and simplicity, rested nearer the earth. Those of us in +whom the spirit of Hellas beats more powerfully consider the beautiful +a necessity of life, and search after it eagerly, but instinctively +demand that Aspasia should have the eyes of Dante's Beatrice. A +similar longing is planted within me. When I think of it, that a +beautiful human animal like Laura belongs to me and will belong as +long as I wish it, a twofold joy gets hold of me,--the joy of the man +and the delight of the artist; and yet there is a want and something +missing. On the altar of my Greek temple there is a marble goddess; +but my Gothic shrine is empty. I admit that in her I have found +something bordering upon the perfect, and I defend myself from a +suspicion that this perfection throws a big shadow. I thought once +that Goethe's words, "You shall be like unto gods and beasts," +embraced all life and were the highest expression of his wisdom; now, +when I follow the commandment, I feel that he omitted the angel. + + +17 April. + +Mr. Davis came into the room when I was sitting at Laura's feet, my +head leaning against her knees. His bloodless face and dim eyes +showed no feeling beyond indifferent sullenness. In his soft slippers +embroidered with Indian suns, he shuffled across the room, and +into the library. Laura looked magnificent, her eyes flashing with +unrestrained wrath. I rose and awaited what would happen. A thought +crossed my mind that Mr. Davis might come back, a revolver in his +hand. In such a case I should have pitched him through the window, +revolver, plaid, and Indian slippers. But he did not come back; I +waited a long time in vain. I do not know what he was doing there; +whether he was thinking over his misery, weeping, or perfectly +indifferent. We all three met again at lunch, and he was sitting there +as if nothing unusual had happened. Perhaps it was my fancy that +made me think that Laura looked menacingly at him, and also that his +apathetic expression was even more mournful than usual. I confess that +such a tame ending of the business is the most painful to me. I am not +one to provoke a quarrel, but ready to answer for my deeds; finally, I +would rather the man were not so defenceless, such a small, miserable +creature. I have a nasty feeling, as if I had knocked down a cripple, +and never yet felt so disgusted with myself. + +We went out in the boat as usual. I did not want Laura to think I was +afraid of Davis; but there we had our first quarrel. I confessed to +her my scruples and she laughed at them. I said to her plainly,-- + +"The laughter does not become you; and remember, you may do most +things, but not what is not becoming." + +There was a deep frown on the meeting eyebrows, and she replied +bitterly,-- + +"After what has passed between us, you may insult me even with more +impunity than you could Davis." + +After such a reproach there remained nothing else but to ask her +forgiveness; and presently, harmony being restored, Laura began +to talk about herself. I had another instance of her cleverness. +Generally the women I have known intimately showed a desire to tell me +their life. I do not blame them for it; it shows that they feel the +need to justify themselves in their own eyes and ours. We men do +not. Yet I never met a woman either so clever as not to overstep the +artistic proportions in her confession, or so sincere as not to tell +lies in order to justify herself. I call to witness all men who when +the occasion occurs may verify how wonderfully similar all these cases +of going astray are, and consequently how tedious. Laura, too, began +to talk about herself with a certain eager satisfaction, but only in +this respect did she follow the beaten track of other fallen angels. +In what she told me there was a certain posing for originality, but +she was certainly not posing as a victim. Knowing she had to deal with +a sceptic, she did not want to call forth a smile of incredulity. Her +sincerity was skirting upon the bold, almost the cynical, one +might say, were it not that to her it is a system of life in which +aestheticism has taken the place of ethics. She prefers simply a life +in the shape of an Apollo to that of humpbacked Pulcinello; that is +her philosophy. She had married Davis not so much for his wealth +as for the purpose of making her life as beautiful as lay in human +power,--beautiful not in the common meaning of the word, but in the +highest artistic sense. Besides she did not consider she had any +duties toward her husband, as she had never even pretended to love +him; she had for him as much pity as repugnance, and as he was +indifferent to everything, he was of no more account than if he were +dead. She added that she did not take account of anything that was +contrary to her ideas of a purely beautiful and artistic life. Regard +for society she had very little, and who thought otherwise of her +would be utterly wrong. She had felt friendship for my father, not +because of his social position, but because she had looked upon him +as a masterwork of nature. As to myself, she had loved me for a long +time. She understood perfectly that I would have prized her more had +the victory been less easy, but she did not care to bargain when her +happiness was at stake. + +This kind of principles, announced by that perfect mouth in a soft +voice full of metallic vibrations, gave me a strange sensation. While +speaking to me she drew her draperies close to her as if to make room +for me at her side. At times her eyes followed the motions of the +sea-gulls circling above our heads, then again they rested keenly upon +my face as if she wanted to read the impression her words had made +upon me. I listened to her words with a certain satisfaction, as they +proved to me that I had judged her pretty correctly. Yet there was +something in them quite new to me. I had always rendered her justice +as to her cleverness, but I thought her acts were the instinctive +outcome of her nature. I had never supposed her capable of inventing +a whole system in order to support and justify the impulses of her +nature. This showed her in a somewhat nobler light, as it proved that +where I had suspected her of more or less mean calculation, she only +acted according to her own principles,--maybe bad, even terrible, but +always principles. For instance, I had suspected her of wanting to +marry me after Davis's death,--she proved me utterly in the wrong. She +herself began to talk about it. She confessed that if I were to ask +her for her hand she might not be able to refuse me, as she loved me +more than I believed (here as I am a living man I saw a warm blush +mounting to her neck and brow), but she knew this would never happen; +sooner or later I would leave her with a light heart,--but what of +that? If she dipped her hand into the water and felt the refreshing +coolness, should she refuse herself this delight because the sun would +suck the cool moisture? + +Saying this she bent over the gunwale, which showed her figure in +all its immaculate perfection, and after plunging her hands into the +water, she stretched them out to me moist and pink and gleaming in +the sunshine. I took hold of the hands, and she, as if echoing my +sensations, said in a caressing voice, "Come." + + +20 April. + +I did not see Laura the whole of yesterday, as she was not well. +She had caught a chill sitting out late on the balcony, and it had +affected her teeth. What a nuisance! Fortunately the day before +yesterday a doctor arrived who is to remain in attendance upon Mr. +Davis; otherwise I should not have a soul to speak to. He is a young +Italian, small of stature, very dark, with an enormous head and very +sharp eyes. He seems very intelligent. It is evident that from the +very first he has grasped the situation, and found it very natural, +for without hesitation he addressed me as the master of the house. I +could not help laughing when he came this morning and asked me whether +he could see the countess so that he might prescribe for her. They +have some very quaint notions in this country. Usually, when a married +woman is suspected to belong to somebody else, the world is in arms to +hunt and run her down, often with thoughtless cruelty. Here, on the +contrary, they worship at the altar of love, and one and all take +sides with and plot for the lover. I told the doctor I would see +whether the countess would see him. I penetrated into Laura's sanctum. +She received me unwillingly, because her face is a little swollen, and +she did not wish me to see her in that state. And in truth her face +reminded me of my old drawing lessons. I noticed even then that with +a modern face one may commit inaccuracies, change this or that, and +provided the expression, the idea of the face remain intact, the +likeness will not suffer. It is quite a different thing drawing from +the antique; the slightest inaccuracy, the least deviation, destroys +the harmony of the face and makes it different altogether. I had an +example in Laura. The swelling was very slight,--I scarcely noticed it +as she obstinately turned the sound part of her face to me; but as her +eyes were a little reddened, the eyelids heavier than usual, it was +not the same face, perfect in its harmony and beauty. Of course I did +not let her see this, but she received my greeting half-disturbed, +as if troubled with a bad conscience. Evidently according to her +principles toothache is a mortal sin. + +Queer principles these, anyway! I too have the soul of an ancient +Greek, but beyond the Pagan there is something else in me. Laura will +be sometime very unhappy with her philosophy. I can understand that +one may make a religion of beauty in a general sense, but to make +a religion of one's own beauty is to prepare great unhappiness for +ourselves. What kind of religion is that which a simple toothache +undermines, and a pimple on the nose shatters into ruin? + + +25 April. + +We shall have to leave for Switzerland, for the heat is almost +unbearable. Besides the heat, there is the Sirocco, that comes now and +then like a hot breath from Africa. The sea-breezes somewhat mitigate +the fierceness of this visitor from the desert, but it is none the +less very disagreeable. + +The Sirocco acts injuriously on Mr. Davis. The doctor watches him +closely lest he should take opium, and consequently become either very +irritable or else quite stupefied. I notice that in his greatest +fits of anger he is afraid of Laura and myself. Who knows whether a +homicidal mania is not already germinating in the half-insane brain? +or maybe he is afraid we are going to kill him. Generally speaking, +my relation with him is one of the darkest sides of the part I am +enacting. I say one of the darkest, because I am fully aware that +there is more than one. I should not be my own self if I did not +perceive that my soul not only is stagnating, but is getting swiftly +corrupted in the arms of that woman. I cannot even express what +loathing, what bitterness and pangs of conscience, it caused me at +first that I should have plunged myself into the depth of sensuous +raptures so soon after the death of my father. It was not only my +conscience, but also the delicacy of feelings which I undoubtedly +possess, that revolted against it. I felt this so deeply that I could +not write about it. I have grown more callous since. I still reproach +myself from time to time, and seriously reflect, but the feeling has +lost its poignancy. + +As to Aniela, I try to forget her, because the memory is troublesome, +or rather I cannot arrive at a clear understanding as to the whole +Ploszow episode. At times I feel inclined to think that I was not +worthy of her; at others, that I made an ass of myself over a girl +like dozens of others. This irritates my vanity, and makes me feel +angry with Aniela. One moment I feel an unsavory consciousness of +guilt in regard to her, in another the offence appears to me futile +and childish. Taken altogether, I do not approve of the part I played +at Ploszow, nor do I approve of the part I am playing here. The +division between right and wrong is becoming more and more indistinct +within me, and what is more I do not care to make it clearer. This is +the result of a certain apathy of mind, which again acts as a sleeping +draught; for when the inward struggle tires me out I say to myself: +"Suppose you are worse than you were--what of that? Why should you +trouble about anything?" + +Then I see another change in myself. Gradually I have got used to what +at first chafed my honor,--the insulting of the crippled man. I notice +that I permit myself hundreds of things I would not do if Davis, +instead of being physically and mentally afflicted, were an +able-bodied man capable of defending his own honor. We do not even +take the trouble of going out to sea. I never even imagined that my +sensitiveness could become so blunted. It is very easy to say to +myself: "What does the wretched Eastern matter to you?" But verily I +cannot get rid of the thought that my black-haired Juno is no Juno at +all,--that her name is Circe, and her touch changes men (as one might +say in correct mythological language) into nurslings of Eumaeus. + +And when I ask myself as to the cause, the answer shatters many of my +former opinions. It is this: our love is a love of the senses, but +not of the soul. The thought again comes back that we, the outcome of +modern culture, cannot be satisfied with it. Laura and I were like +unto gods and beasts with humanity left out. In a proper sense our +feelings cannot be called love; we are desirable to each other, but +not dear. If we both were different from what we are, we might be a +hundred times more unhappy, but I should not have the consciousness +that I am drawing near the shelter of Eumaeus. I understand that love +merely spiritual remains a shadow, but love without spiritualism +becomes utter degradation. It is another matter that some people +touched by Circe's wand may find contentment in their degradation. It +seems a sad thing and very strange that I, a man of the Hellenic type, +should write thus. Scepticism even here steps in, and in regard to +Hellenism I begin to have my doubts whether life be possible with +those worn-out forms; and as I am always sincere, I write what I +think. + + +30 April. + +Yesterday I received a letter from my aunt. It was sent after me from +Rome and dated two weeks back. I cannot understand why they kept it so +long at Casa Osoria. My aunt was sure I had gone to Corfu, but thought +I might have returned by this, and writes thus:-- + +"We have been expecting to hear from you for some time, and are +looking out with great longing for a letter. I, an old woman, am too +deeply rooted in the soil to be easily shaken, but it tells upon +Aniela. She evidently expected to hear from you, and when no letter +came either from Vienna or Rome, I saw she felt uneasy. Then came your +father's death. I said then, in her presence, that you could not think +now of anything but your loss; by and by you would shake off your +trouble and return to your old life. I saw at once that my words +comforted her. But afterwards, when week passed after week and you did +not send us a single line, she grew very troubled, mostly about your +health, but I fancy because she thought you had forgotten her. I, too, +began to feel uneasy, and wrote 'poste restante' to Corfu, as we had +agreed. Not getting any reply, I am sending another letter to your +house at Rome, because the thought that you may be ill makes us all +very unhappy. Write, if only a few lines; and, Leon, dear, pull +yourself together, shake off that apathy, and be yourself again. +I will be quite open with you. In addition to Aniela's troubles, +somebody has told her mother that you are known everywhere for your +love affairs. Fancy my indignation! Celina was so put out that she +repeated it to her daughter, and now the one has continual headaches, +and the other, poor child, looks so pale and listless that it makes +my heart bleed. And she is such a dear girl, and as good as gold. She +tries to look cheerful so as not to grieve her mother; but I am not so +easily deceived, and feel deeply for her. My dearest boy, I did not +say much to you at Rome, because I respected your affliction; but a +sorrow like that is sent by God, and we have to submit to His will and +not allow it to spoil our life. Could you not write a few words to +give us some comfort,--if not to me, at least to the poor child? I +never disguised it from you that my greatest wish was to see you two +happily married if it were in a year or two, as Aniela is a woman in a +thousand. But if you think otherwise it would be better to let me know +it in some way. You know I never exaggerate things, but I am really +afraid for Aniela's health. And then there is her future to be thought +of. Kromitzki calls very frequently upon the ladies, evidently with +some intentions. I wanted to dismiss him without ceremony, especially +as I have my suspicions that it was he who spread those tales about +you; but Celina solemnly entreated me not to do this. She is quite +distracted, and does not believe in your affection for Aniela. What +could I do? Suppose her motherly instinct is right, after all? Write +at once, my dear Leon, and accept the love and blessing of the old +woman who has only you now in the world. Aniela wanted to write to you +a letter of condolence after your father's death, but Celina did not +let her, and we had a quarrel over this. Celina is the best of women, +but very provoking at times. Kind greetings and love from us all. +Young Chwastowski is establishing a brewery on the estate. He had some +money of his own, and the rest I lent him." + +At first I thought the letter had not made any impression upon me; but +presently, when walking up and down the room, I found that I had been +mistaken. The impression increased every minute, and became very +strong indeed. After an hour I said to myself with amazement: "The +deuce is in it! I cannot think of anything else but that." Strange how +quick my thoughts travel, chasing each other like clouds driven by the +wind. What a creature of nerves I am! First, a great tenderness for +Aniela woke up within me. All that I had felt for her not long ago, +and that had lain dormant in odd nooks of my soul, stirred into life. +To go at once, soothe her, make her happy, was the first impulse of my +heart,--not clearly defined, perhaps, but very strong all the same. +When I imagined to myself the tearful eyes, her hands resting within +mine, the old feeling for her woke up with renewed strength. Then the +idea crossed my mind to compare her to Laura,--with a fatal result for +Laura. I felt sick of the life I was leading; felt the want of a purer +atmosphere than I was breathing here,--of restfulness, gentleness, and +above all, rectitude of feeling. At the same time a great joy filled +my heart, that nothing was lost yet, everything could be made right; +it depended only upon my will. Suddenly I bethought myself of +Kromitzki, and of Aniela's mother, who, not trusting me, is evidently +on his side. A dull anger rose within me, which, gradually increasing, +smothered all other feelings. The more my reason acknowledged that +Pani Celina was right in mistrusting me, the more I felt offended that +she should harbor that mistrust. I worked myself up into a terrible +rage against everybody, including myself. What I thought and felt can +be expressed in a few words: "Very well, let it be as they wish!" + +The letter came yesterday; to-day, analyzing myself more quietly, I +find to my own astonishment that the offence not only rankles in my +mind, but also has taken firmer root. I say to myself all that a +soberly thinking man can say in mitigation thereof, and yet I cannot +forgive either Aniela or her mother the Kromitzki business. Aniela +could have put a stop to it with one word, and if she has not done it, +she is sacrificing me to her mother's headaches. Besides, Kromitzki +lowers Aniela in my eyes, stains her, and brings her down to the level +of marriageable girls. I cannot even speak of it quietly. + +Maybe my reasoning and feeling are those of an exasperated man; maybe +that love of self is too predominant in me. I know that I am able to +look at and judge myself as a stranger would; but this dualism does +not help me in the least. I am more and more embittered. To write +about it irritates my nerves,--therefore, enough! + + +1 May. + +During the night I thought, "Perhaps to-morrow I shall be more +composed." Nothing of the kind. I am simply in a rage with Aniela, +Aniela's mother, my aunt, and myself. The wind ought to be tempered +for the shorn lamb, and they forget that my wool is deucedly thin. +After all, I am comfortable where I am. Laura is like a marble statue. +Near her nothing troubles me very much, because there is nothing +except beauty. I am tired of over-strained, tender souls. Let +Kromitski comfort her. + + +2 May. + +I carried the letter to the post-office myself. It was not a long one: +"I wish Pan Kromitzki every happiness with Panna Aniela, and Panna +Aniela with Pan Kroinitzki. You wished for a decision, dear aunt, and +I comply with your wish." + + +3 May. + +I was thinking whether my aunt's allusion to Kromitzki was but a piece +of female diplomacy in order to bring me to book. If so, she is to be +congratulated upon her skill and knowledge of human nature. + + +10 May. + +A week has passed. I have not written because I feel half suffocated, +torn by doubts, sorrow, and anxiety. Aniela has never been, and is not +indifferent to me. The words of Hamlet recur to me:-- + + "I loved Ophelia; forty thousand brothers + Could not, with all their quantity of love, + Make up my sum." + +I should only have to change the outcry:-- + +"I loved Aniela; forty thousand Lauras could not make up my sum." + +And needs must be that with my own hands I wrought the evil. There is +a glimmer of comfort in the thought that to be united to a man like me +might be a worse fate for her,--but it is not so. If she were mine I +would be true to her. Then again it rankles in my mind that perhaps +a Kromitzki is sufficient to her happiness. When I think of this +everything seethes within me, and I feel ready to send off another +such letter. + +It is done with! that is the only comfort for people like me, for then +they can fold their hands and idle away their time as before. Perhaps +it is a sign of exceptional weakness, but I find some comfort in it. +Now I can think in peace. + +I put to myself the question, "How is it that a man who not only +boasts of a thorough knowledge of self, but also possesses it, has for +some time almost blindly followed his instinctive impulses?" Of what +use is self-knowledge if at the first commotion of the nerves it hides +in a remote nook of the brain and remains there, a passive witness to +impulsive acts? To investigate things _post factum?_ I do not know of +what use this can be to me, but as I have nothing else to do, let us +investigate. Why did I act as I did? It must be because though I am an +intelligent man, very intelligent even (the deuce take me if I intend +to boast or flatter myself), I lack judgment. And chiefly it is the +calm, masculine judgment that is wanting. I do not control my nerves, +I am hypersensitive, and a crumpled roseleaf would irritate me. +There is something feminine in my composition. Perhaps I am not an +exception, and there are more of that type in my country, which is of +small comfort. This kind of mind may have much understanding, but is a +bad guide through life; it darts restlessly here and there, hesitates, +sifts, and filters every intention, and at last loses itself among +cross-roads. Consequently the capacity for acting gets impaired, and +finally it degenerates into a weakness of character, an innate and not +uncommon fault with us. Then I put to myself another question. Let us +say my aunt had not made any allusion to Kromitzki, would the result +have turned out differently? And truly I dare not say yes. It would +not have come so swiftly,--that is certain; but who knows whether in +the end it would have turned out more satisfactory. Weak characters +want infinite accommodations; only powerful ones are spurred on by +opposition. Laura, who in certain things is as subtle as musk, most +likely understood this and therefore showed herself so--gracious. + +Finally, what is the upshot of it? Am I a milksop? Not in the least. +A man who looks straight at truth would not shrink from confessing +it,--but no. I feel that I could go on an arctic expedition without a +moment's hesitation, be a missionary in darkest Africa. I am possessed +of a certain pluck, inherited courage, which would carry me through +many bold adventures and risky enterprises. My temperament is lively; +perhaps less nimble than Sniatynski, I am yet no laggard. But when +it comes to solving any of life's problems my scepticism renders me +powerless, my intellect loses itself in observations, reasonings, the +will has nothing to rest upon, and my acts depend mainly upon external +circumstances. + + +12 May. + +I never liked Laura, though I was and am still under the spell of +her physical charms. This at first sight looks like a paradox, but +nevertheless is a common enough occurrence. One may love and not like +the person in question. As often as I happened to meet a love full of +thorns and apt to take easily offence, it was only because there was +no real liking at the bottom. Now Sniatynski and his wife are not only +in love, but they like each other immensely, and therefore are happy. +Ah me! I feel I could have liked Aniela, and we might have been as +happy! Better not think about it. As to Laura, she will meet many who +may fall in love with her raven hair and statuesque beauty, but +she will never inspire real liking. This singular woman attracts +irresistibly, and at the same time repulses. I have said that beyond +beauty there is nothing else; for even her uncommon intelligence is +only the humble slave kneeling at the feet of her own beauty. Not more +than a week ago I saw Laura giving money to a child whose father had +been drowned recently, and I thought to myself: "She would put the +child's eyes out in the same way, gracefully and sweetly, if she +thought it would add to her beauty." One feels these things, and one +may lose one's head over a woman like that, but it is impossible to +like her. And she who understands so many things does not understand +this. + +Yet how beautiful she is! A few days ago, when she came down the steps +leading into the garden, swaying lightly on those magnificent hips, +"I thought I should drop," as the poet Slowacki says. Decidedly I +am under the sway of two powers,--the one attracting, the other +repelling. I want to go to Switzerland, and I want to go back to Rome. +I do not know how it will end. Ribot rightly says that a desire to do +a thing is only a consciousness, not an act of volition; still less is +it an act of volition to have a twofold desire. I received a letter +from my lawyer, who wants to see me about the affairs of the +succession; these are mere formalities, and they could arrange things +without me, did I feel disinclined to move. But it will serve as a +pretext. For some time I have liked Laura even less than formerly. It +is for no fault of hers, as she is always the same, but as it happens, +I have transferred to her some of the dislike I have for myself. At +the time of my inward struggles I turned to her not only for peace, +but also for a kind of wilful degradation; now for that very reason I +feel displeased with her. She did not even know of the storm raging +in my breast; besides, what could it matter to her, as it was nothing +which could serve her as an ornament? She only noticed that I was +feverish and more impulsive than usual; she asked a little after +the cause, but without insisting too much. Perhaps after all the +attraction here will win and I shall not depart; in any case, I am +going to tell her that I am obliged to go. I am curious to know how +she will take it, still more curious as I can imagine it very well. I +suspect that with all her love for me, which is very like my love for +her, she does not really like me,--that is, if she ever takes the +trouble to like or to dislike anybody. Our minds have certain points +of resemblance, but thousands of contradictions. + +I am terribly tired. I cannot help thinking of the sensation my letter +has made at Ploszow. I think incessantly of this even when with Laura; +I see before me continually Aniela and my aunt. How happy Laura is in +her everlasting repose! I have such difficulty to bear with my own +self. + +I shall be glad of a change. Peli, though a seaside resort, is very +empty. The heat is quite exceptional. The sea is calm; no waves wash +against the shore; it seems exhausted and breathless from the heat. +At times the wind rises, but it is a suffocating blast, that raises +clouds of white dust which covers the palms, fig-trees, and myrtles, +and penetrates through the blinds into the house. My eyes ache as the +walls reflect a glaring sun, and in the daytime it is impossible to +look at anything. + +To Switzerland or to Rome, but away from here. It seems anywhere it +would be better than here. We all prepare for the journey. I have not +seen Mr. Davis for four or five days. I fancy his insanity will break +out any day. The doctor tells me the poor man challenges him to fight. +He considers this a bad sign. + + +ROME, CASA OSORIA, 18 May. + +It was evidently solitude I wanted. I feel as I felt after my arrival +at Peli, sad, but at the same time peaceful. I feel even more peaceful +here than in my first days at Peli, because there is none of that +uneasiness Laura's presence used to give me. I walk about the still, +gloomy house, and find thousands of details that remind me of my +father, and the memory grows fresh again in my heart. He too had +vanished into the distant haze, and now I meet him again as in his +former, real life. There on the table in his studio are the lenses +through which he looked at his specimens, the bronze implement he +used in scraping the dry soil from the pottery; colors, brushes, +manuscripts, and notes about the collections are lying about. At times +I have a feeling as if he had gone out and would return presently to +his work, and when the illusion disappears a great sorrow seizes me, +and I love not only his memory, but love him who sleeps the eternal +sleep on the Campo Santo. + +And I feel sad; but the feeling is so infinitely purer than those +which had such absolute sway over my mind those last weeks that I feel +more at ease,--a better man, or, at least, not so corrupt as I had +seemed to myself. I notice also that no reasoning, nor the most +desperate argumentation can deprive us of a certain feeling of +satisfaction, when we come in contact with nobler elements. Whence +comes that irresistible, irrepressible tendency towards the good? +Spinning out this thread I go very far. Since our reason is considered +a reflection of the logical principle of all life, may not our +conception of good be a similar reflection from an absolute good. Were +it so, one might throw at once all doubts to the wind, and shout, not +only, "Eureka!" but also, "Alleluia!" Nevertheless, I am afraid lest +the foundation fall to pieces, like many others, and I dare not build +on it. Besides the reasoning is but vague; I shall go back to it +undoubtedly, because this means the extraction of a thorn, not from +the feet, but from the soul. Now I am too tired, too sad and restful +at the same time. + +It seems to me that of all creatures upon earth it is only the human +being that can act sometimes against his volition. I wanted to leave +Peli for some time, and yet day after day passed, and I remained. The +day previous to my departure I was almost certain I should stop, when +unexpectedly Laura herself helped me to a decision. + +I told her about the lawyer's letter and my going away, only to +see how she would receive the news. We were alone. I expected some +exclamation from her part, some emotion, and lastly a "veto." Nothing +of the kind took place. + +Hearing the news, she turned to me, passing her hand gently over my +hair; she brought her face close to mine, and said:-- + +"You will come back, will you not?" + +By Jove! it is still an enigma to me what she meant. Did she suppose I +was really obliged to go? or, trusting to the power of her beauty, had +she no doubt whatever that I would come back? or, finally, did she +grasp at the chance to get rid of me?--because after such a question +there remained nothing for me but to go. The caressing touch and +accompanying question are a little against the last supposition, +which after all seems to me the likeliest. At odd moments I am almost +certain she wanted to say by it:-- + +"It is not you who dismiss me; it is I who dismiss you." + +I confess that, if it was a dismission, Laura's cleverness is simply +amazing; all the more so, as the manner was so sweet and caressing, +and left me in uncertainty whether she was mocking me or not. But why +delude myself? By that simple question she had won the game. Perhaps +at other times my vanity would have suffered; but now it leaves me +indifferent. That same evening, instead of coolness, there was perfect +harmony between us. We separated very late. I see her still, walking +with me, her eyes lowered, as far as my room. She was simply so +beautiful that I felt sorry I was going. The next morning she said +good-by to me at the station. The bunch of tea-roses I lost only in +Genoa. Strange woman! As I went further on my journey, I felt side by +side a physical longing and a great relief. I went on to Rome without +stopping, and now feel as a bird released from his cage. + + +22 May. + +There is scarcely anybody I know in Rome. The heat has driven them to +their villas, or up into the mountains. In the daytime there are +few people in the streets except tourists, mostly Englishmen in +pith-helmets, puggarees, red Baedekers, with their everlasting "Very +interesting!" on their lips. At noon our Babuino is so deserted that +the footstep of a solitary passer-by re-echoes on the pavement. But in +the evening the street swarms with people. At that time I feel usually +very depressed, nervous, and restless. I go out, and walk about until +I am tired; and that gives me relief. I walk mostly on the Pincio, +three or four times along that magnificent terrace. At this time +lovers stroll about. Some couples walk arm in arm, their heads close +together, their eyes uplifted, as if overflowing with happiness; +others sit in the deep shadows of the trees. The flickering light of +the lamp reveals now and then half-concealed under his plumes the +profile of a Bersagliere, sometimes the light dress of a girl, or the +face of a laborer or student. Whispers reach my ear; love-vows and low +snatches of song. All this gives me the impression of a carnival of +spring. I find a singular charm in thus losing myself among the crowd, +and breathe their gayety and health. There is so much happiness and +simplicity! This simplicity seems to penetrate into my whole being, +and acts more soothingly upon my nerves than a sleeping draught. The +evenings are clear and warm, but full of cool breezes. The moon rises +beyond Trinita dei Monti, and sails above that human beehive like a +great silver bark, illuminating the tops of trees, roofs, and towers. +At the foot of the terrace glimmers and surges the city, and somewhere +in the distance, on a silvery background, appears the dark outline of +St. Peter's, with a shining cupola like a second moon. Never did Rome +seem more beautiful to me, and I discover new charms every day. I +return home late, and go to bed almost happy in the thought that +to-morrow I shall wake up again in Rome. And I do sleep. I do not know +whether it is the exercise I take, but I sleep so heavily that it +leaves a kind of dizziness when I wake up in the morning. + +Part of the morning I spend with the lawyer. Sometimes I work at +compiling a catalogue of the collections for my own use. My father did +not leave any instructions as to his collections; consequently they +are my property. I would hand them over to the city, in fulfilment of +his wishes, if I were quite sure he did wish it. As he did not will +them away, he, moved by my aunt's remonstrances, may have left it to +me to bring them sometime or other over to Poland. That my father +thought of this in later times is proved by the numerous bequests and +codicils in his will. Among others there is one that touched me more +deeply than I can tell: "The head of the Madonna by Sassoferrato I +leave to my future daughter-in-law." + + +25 May. + +The sculptor Lukomski began a month ago a full-length statue of my +father, from a bust done by himself some years ago. I call upon him +often in the middle of the day to watch the progress of the work. The +studio is a barn-like building, with a huge skylight on the north +side; consequently no sun comes in, and the light is cold. When I sit +there I seem to be out of Rome altogether. To heighten the illusion, +there is Lukomski, with his Northern features, light beard, and the +dreamy blue eyes of a mystic. His two assistants are Poles, and the +two dogs in the yard are called Kruk and Kurta,--in short, the place +has the appearance of a northern isle in a southern sea. I like to go +there for the quaintness of the thing, and I like to watch Lukomski +at his work. There is in him at the same time so much power and +simplicity. He is especially interesting when he stands back a short +distance so as to get a better view of his work, and then suddenly +goes back as to an attack. He is a very talented sculptor. The shape +of my father seems to grow under his hand, and assume a wonderful +likeness. It will be not only a portrait, but a work of art. + +If anybody, it is he who is altogether absorbed in the beauty of form. +It seems to me that he works out his thoughts by the help of Greek +noses, heads, arms, and torsos, more than by help of ideas. He has +lived fifteen years at Rome, and still goes to galleries and museums, +as if he had arrived yesterday. This proves that worship of form may +fill a man's life, and become his religion, provided he is its high +priest. Lukomski has as much veneration for beauty in human shape as +devotees for holy shrines. I asked him which he considered the most +beautiful woman in Rome. He answered, without hesitation, "Mrs. +Davis;" and there and then, with his plastic thumbs, with the +expressive motion common to artists, he began to draw her outline in +the air. Lukomski, as a rule, is self-contained and melancholy; but +at this moment he was so animated that his eyes lost their mystic +expression. "Like this, for instance," he said, drawing a new line, +"or like that. She is the most beautiful woman not only in Rome, but +in the whole world." He says that when she lifts her head, the neck +is as the continuation of the face,--the same breadth, which is very +rare; sometime on the Transtevere one might see women with similar +necks; but never in that perfection. Really, who seeks to find a flaw +in Laura's beauty, must seek in vain. Lukomski goes so far as to +maintain that statues ought to be raised to women like her in their +lifetime. Of course, I did not contradict him. + + +29 May. + +The Italian law procedure begins to bore me. How slow they are, in +spite of their vivacity! and how they talk! I am literally talked to +shreds. I sent for some of the newest French novels, and read for +whole days. The writers make upon me the impression of clever +draughts-men. How quickly and skilfully each character is outlined! +and what character and power in those sketches! The technical part can +go no farther. As to the characters thus drawn, I can only say what I +said before,--their love is only skin deep. This may be the case now +and then; but that in the whole of France nobody should be capable of +deeper feelings, let them tell this to somebody else. I know France +too well, and say that she is better than her literature. That running +after glaring, realistic truth makes the novel untrue to life. It is +the individual we love; and the individual is composed not only +of face, voice, shape, and expression, but also of intelligence, +character, a way of thinking,--in brief, of various intellectual and +moral elements. My relation to Laura is the best proof that a feeling +founded upon outward admiration does not deserve the name of love. +Besides, Laura is an exceptional case. + + +31 May. + +Yesterday I lunched with Lukomski; in the evening I loitered as usual +on the Pincio. My imagination sometimes plays me strange tricks. I +fancied that Aniela was leaning on my arm. We walked together, +and talked like people who are very fond of each other. I felt so +happy,--so different from what I had felt near Laura! When the +illusion vanished I felt very lonely; I did not want to go home. That +night I could not sleep at all. + +How utterly unprofitable my life is! These continual searchings of +my mind are leading me into the desert. And it might have been so +different! I am surprised that the memory of Aniela should be still so +fresh and green. Why is it that I never dream of walking arm-in-arm +with Laura? And since I come to mention her name, I add inwardly, +"Perdition upon the memory!" I often think I have been holding +happiness by both wings, and let it escape. + + +2 June. + +I never was so amazed in my life as to-day, in regard to Lukomski. We +went together to the museum on the Capitol. When near the Venus, +he surprised me by saying he preferred the Neapolitan Psyche by +Praxiteles, as being more spiritual. A strange confession from a +sculptor like him; but a greater surprise was in store for me near +"The Dying Gladiator." Lukomski looked at him for nearly half an hour, +then said, through clenched teeth, as he does when deeply moved,--"I +have heard it said a hundred times that he has a Slavonic face, but +really the likeness is wonderful. My brother has a farm,--Koslowka, +near Sierpiec. There was one of the laborers, Michna, who was drowned +driving horses through the water. I tell you it is exactly the same +face. I come here very often for an hour, because I feel a longing to +look at it." + +I could not believe my ears, and was surprised the roof of the Capitol +did not come down on our heads. Sierpiec, Koslowka, Michna, here in +the world of the antique, of classic forms! and from whose lips?--from +those of Lukomski! I saw at once, peeping out from beneath the +sculptor, the man. And that is the artist, I thought,--that the Roman, +the Greek! You come here to look at the Gladiator, not so much for the +sake of the form, as because he reminds you of Michna from Koslowka. +I begin to understand now the taciturnity and melancholy. Lukomski +evidently guessed my thoughts; for, the mystic eyes looking straight +before him, he began in a broken voice to reply to my unuttered words: +"Rome is well enough,--to live in, but not to die in! I am getting on +fairly well,--no right to complain. I remain here because I must; but +the longing for the old place tears me like all the devils. When the +dogs bark at night in the garden, I fancy the sound comes from the +village; and I feel as if I could scratch the walls. I should go mad +if I did not go there once a year. I am going now, shortly, because I +cannot breathe here any longer." + +He put his hand to his throat, and screwed up his mouth as if +to whistle, to hide the trembling of the lips. It was almost an +explosion,--the more astounding, as it was so unexpected. A sudden +emotion seized me at the thought of the vast difference between me and +such men as he and Sniatynski. Even now I think of it with a certain +apprehension. There are vast horizons out of my reach. What an +intensity of feeling there is in those men! They may be happy or +wretched with it; but how immeasurably richer they are than I! +There is no danger of life becoming to them a desert and a barren +wilderness. In each of them there is life enough for ten. I too feel +conscious of ties to my country; but the consciousness is not so +pressing, does not burn with the same steady light, and is not part +of myself. My existence does not depend upon any Koslowka, Michna, or +Ploszow. Where men such as Sniatynski or Lukomski find live springs +from which they draw their motive vigor, I find dry sand. And yet, if +they had not this basis, there remains still, for one his sculpture, +for the other his literature. It seems incredible that a man +possessing so many conditions of happiness should be not only so +little happy, but clearly does not see the reason why he should exist +at all. + +It is doubtless my bringing up which has something to do with +it,--those Metzes, Romes, Paris; I have always been as a tree taken +from its soil and not firmly planted in another. Partly it is my own +fault; because I am putting points of interrogation all along the road +of life, and philosophize where others love only. The consequence is +that philosophy, instead of giving me anything, has eaten my heart +away. + + +8 June. + +I note down the occurrences of a whole week. I received, among other +letters, one from Sniatynski. The honest fellow is so concerned about +the turn my affair with Aniela has taken that he does not even abuse +me. He tells me, though, that his wife is angry past forgiveness, and +does not allow my name to be mentioned in her presence,--considers me +a perfect monster, who finds his only delight in gloating over fresh +victims. For once I am a good Christian, and not only do not bear +malice to the little woman, but feel very friendly towards her. What a +warm, generous heart hers is! Sniatynski evidently thinks the question +finally settled; for he refrains from advice, and only expresses +sorrow. + +"God grant," he writes, "you may find another like her." Strange, when +I come to think of it! It seems to me that I do not want another like +Aniela, or a better one either,--I want her. I say it seems to me; +for it is a feeling without any definite shape. I carry within me +something like an entangled skein; I weary myself, and yet am not able +to reduce it to any kind of order. In spite of all my self-knowledge, +I cannot quite make out what it is that makes me feel sad. Is it +because I find I love her, or is it because I feel I could love her +very much? Sniatynski unconsciously replies to this question in these +words: "I have heard or read that gold nuggets have sometimes a large +admixture of quartz, which must be crushed in order to get at the +gold. I suppose your heart is thus covered with an incrustation, that +only partly melted while you were staying at Ploszow. You did not +remain long enough, and simply had no time to let your love grow +sufficiently strong. You have, maybe, energy enough to act, but not +enough to decide; but you would have found the energy if the feeling +had been powerful enough. You went away, and according to your custom, +began to ponder, to think it over; and it came to pass, as I was +afraid it would, that you philosophized away your own happiness and +that of another." What strikes me most in Sniatynski's words is +that they are almost a repetition of what my father said to me. But +Sniatynski penetrates deeper; for he adds almost immediately: "It is +the old story,--he who inquires too deeply into his own mind ends by +disagreeing with himself; and who disagrees with himself is incapable +of any decision. Truly times must be out of joint, when only asses +have any power of action left, and those who have a little more +intelligence use it to doubt everything, and to persuade themselves +that it is not worth while to attempt anything." I have read similar +observations in one of the French authors; and by Jove! he is right. + +I almost wish Sniatynski had given me a downright scolding, instead of +larding his letter with sentences like this "In spite of all your good +qualities it will come to this, that you will always be a cause of +suffering and anxiety to those who love you." He brings it home with a +vengeance. I have caused suffering to Aniela, her mother, and my-aunt, +and to myself also. I feel inclined to laugh a little as I read +further: "According to the laws of nature, there is always something +growing within us; beware, lest it be a poisonous weed that will +destroy your whole existence!" No,--I am not afraid of that. There +is some mould sown by Laura's fair hands, but it grows only on the +outward crust of which Sniatynski speaks, and has not struck any +roots. There is no need of uprooting anything; it is as easily wiped +off as dust. Sniatynski is more reasonable when he is himself again, +and steps forth with his pet dogma that lies always close to his +heart: "If you consider yourself a superior type, or even if you be +such, let me tell you that the sum total of such superiority, is +socially, a minus quantity." + +I am far from considering myself a superior type, unless it be in +comparison to such as Kromitzki; but Sniatynski is right. Men like me +escape being minus quantities in society only when they are men of +science or great artists,--not artists without portfolios. Often they +take the part of great reformers. As to myself I could only be a +reformer as regards my own person. I went about with that thought all +the day. + +It is surpassing strange that, knowing my own short-comings so well, I +do not make any attempt to mend matters. For instance, after debating +for half a day whether to go out or not, ought I not to take myself by +the collar and thrust myself into the street? I am a sceptic?--very +well! Could I not act for once as if I were not a sceptic? A little +more or less conviction, what does it matter? What ought I to do now? +Pack up my things and go straight to Ploszow. I could do it easily +enough. What the result of such a step would be, I do not know, but at +any rate it would be doing something. Then Sniatynski writes: "That +ape is now every day at Ploszow, keeping watch over the ladies, who, +without that additional trouble, are worn to shadows." + +Perhaps it is too late. Sniatynski does not say when he was last at +Ploszow, perhaps a week ago or maybe two; since then things may have +gone much farther. Yes, but I do not know anything for certain, and +when all is said how can it be worse than it is already? I feel that +anybody with a little more energy in his composition would go at once, +and I should feel more respect for myself if I brought myself to do +it, especially as Sniatynski, who is usually so enterprising, does not +urge me. The very thought brightens me up, and in this brightness I +see a beloved face which at this moment is dearer to me than anything +else in the world, and--per Baccho! I shall most probably do it. + + +9 June. + +"La nuit porte conseil." I will not go at once to Ploszow, it would be +a journey in the dark; but I have written a long letter to my aunt, +quite different from that I wrote at Peli. Within a week, or at the +most ten days, I shall get an answer, and according to it I shall +either go or stay,--in fact, I do not know myself yet what I shall do. +I might count upon a favorable answer if I had written for instance +like this: "Dearest aunt, send Kromitzki about his business; I beg +Aniela to forgive me. I love her, and my dearest wish is to make her +my wife." Unless she were married already,--and things could not have +been managed there so speedily,--such a letter could have but one +result. But I did not write anything of that kind. My missive was +intended to reconnoitre the position, sent in fact as a scout to find +out how affairs were progressing, and partly, to learn what Aniela +was thinking. To say the truth, if I did not express myself more +definitely, it is because experience has taught me to mistrust myself. +Ah! if Aniela, in spite of the wrong inflicted upon her by me, +refused Kromitzki, how gratified I should feel towards her; and how +immeasurably higher she would rise in my esteem if once removed from +the ranks of marriageable girls whose only aim is to get a husband. +What a pity I ever heard about Kromitzki. Once rid of the entanglement +with Laura, I should have flown on wings to Aniela's side. This dear +aunt has managed things with a clumsy hand in writing to me about +Kromitzki and the encouragement he had from Aniela's mother. In these +times of overwrought nerves, it is not only women that are like +sensitive plants. A rough touch, and, the soul shrinks, folds itself +up, maybe forever. I know it is foolish, even wrong, but I cannot help +it. To change myself I should have to order at an anatomist's a new +set of nerves, and keep those I have for special occasions. No one, +not even Pani Sniatynski, can judge me more severely than I judge +myself. But is Kromitzki better than I? Is his low, money-making +neurosis better than mine? Without any boastfulness I may say that I +have more delicacy of feeling, nobler impulses, a better heart, more +tenderness, and--his own mother would be obliged to own it--more +intelligence. It is true I could not make millions to save my life; +but then Kromitzki has not achieved it yet; instead of that, I could +guarantee that my wife would spend her life in a broader and warmer +atmosphere; there would be more sincerity in it and nobler aims. + +It is not the first time I have compared myself to Kromitzki, and it +makes me angry considering what a vast difference there is between us. +We are like inhabitants of different planets, and as to our souls, if +one has to climb up to reach mine, such as Aniela would have to stoop +very low to reach his. But would this be such a difficult task for +her? It is a horrible question; but in regard to women I have seen so +monstrous things, especially in my country where the women generally +speaking are superior to the men, that I am obliged to consider it. +I have seen girls, angels in all but wings, full of noble impulses, +sensitive to everything beautiful and uncommon, not only marry +louts of narrow and mean characters, but adopt after marriage their +husbands' maxims of life, vanities, narrowness, and commonplace +opinions. What is more, some of them did this eagerly, as if former +ideals were only fit to be thrown aside with the bridal wreath. They +seemed to labor under the conviction that only thus they could prove +themselves true wives. It is true that sometimes a reaction follows, +but in a general sense Shakspeare's Titania is a common enough type, +to be met with every day. + +I am a sceptic from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, but +my scepticism springs from pain, for it hurts me to think that such +may be Aniela's fate. Perhaps she too will shrug her shoulders at the +memory of her girlish aspirations, and consider contracts in Turkestan +better adapted to practical life. A dull wrath seizes me at the +thought, all the more as it will be partly my fault, that is, if it +should come to that. + +On the other side these reflections and vacillations are not merely +the result of a want of decision, as Sniatynski seems to think. I have +such a high conception about marriage, such lofty demands, that they +take away my courage. It is true that often husband and wife fit each +other like two warped boards, and yet jog through life contentedly +enough; but this would not be enough for me. For the very reason that +I believe in happiness so little, I should like to attain it; but can +I attain it? It is not so much the unhappy marriages I have met with +that make me so wavering, but the few happy ones I have seen; at the +remembrance of these I ask myself, "Is it possible I could be so +happy?" And yet happiness is not met with in fiction only,--but how to +know where to look for it! + + +11 June. + +In the last few days I have become quite intimate with Lukomski. He +is not so self-contained and melancholy as he used to be. Yesterday, +towards evening, he came to see me; we went out for a walk as far as +the Thermes of Caracalla; then I asked him to come back with me, and +he stopped until midnight. I had a long talk with him, which I note +down, as it made upon me a certain impression. Lukomski seemed a +little ashamed of the exhibition of feeling he had made near "The +Dying Gladiator;" but I led him on and gradually came to know the +man as he really was. As we were growing very friendly I ventured to +remark,-- + +"Excuse the question, but I cannot understand why a man so fond of +domestic life has not taken to himself a companion. Neither your +studio, your assistants, nor your dogs can give you the feeling of a +home you are missing, as a wife would." + +Lukomski smiled, and pointing to the ring on his finger, said,-- + +"I am going to be married shortly. We are only waiting because the +young lady is in mourning for her father; I am to join her in two +months." + +"At Sierpiec?" + +"No, she comes from Wilkomierz." + +"What took you to Wilkomierz?" + +"I have never been there. I met her by accident on the Corso in Rome." + +"That was a fortunate accident, was it not?" + +"The most fortunate in my life." + +"Was it during the Carnival?" + +"No. It happened in this way: I was on my way to the studio when, in +the Via Condotto, I saw two fair-haired women inquiring in very +bad Italian the way to the Capitol. They were saying: 'Capitolio, +Capitole, Capitol,' and nobody seemed to know what they wanted, +because here, as you know, they call it 'Campidolio.' I could not have +been mistaken,--they were Poles, evidently mother and daughter. They +were overjoyed when I addressed them in Polish; I was very glad too, +and so I not only showed them the way but went there with them." + +"You have no idea how this interests me; and so you went together?" + +"Yes, we went together. On the way I looked at the younger lady; a +figure like a young poplar, graceful, pretty, a small head, ears a +perfect model, the face full of expression, and eyelashes pure gold, +such as, you find only at home; there is nothing of that kind here, +unless now and then at Venice. She pleased me very much too because of +that thoughtfulness for her mother, who was in grief, having lost her +husband; I thought she must have a good heart. For about a week I went +with them everywhere, and then asked for the young lady's hand." + +"After a week's acquaintance; is it possible?" + +"Yes, because the ladies were going back to Florence." + +"At any rate you are not one of those who take a long time to make up +their minds." + +"At home it would have taken much longer; but here, sir, the very +thought they were my countrywomen made me long to kiss their hands." + +"Yes, but marriage is such an important step." + +"That is true; but three or four weeks more would not help me to a +clearer view of it. I had certain scruples, I confess; I feel a little +reluctant to speak of it. In our family there is hereditary deafness. +My grandfather at an advanced age became quite deaf. My father was +deaf at forty. One can live with that, but it is a great drawback, +because deaf people as a rule are irritable. I debated within myself +whether it was right for a young girl to marry a man threatened with +such a defect, and who in course of time might become a burden to +her." + +I began to observe now that Lukomski had in the expression of his +eyes, and the way he listened to what was said to him, a certain +peculiarity noticed in deaf people. His hearing was still excellent, +but he evidently feared that he might be losing the faculty. + +I told him he had no right to let that stand in his way. + +"I thought so a little myself. It is not worth while to spoil one's +life for a thing that may never happen. There is the cholera that +sweeps now and then over Italy; it would be foolish for Italians not +to marry for fear they might leave orphans and widows. Besides I have +done what I considered my duty. I told Panna Vanda that I loved +her and would give my life to call her my own, but there was this +impediment. And do you know what her answer was? 'When you are no +longer able to hear me saying I love you, I will write it.' All this +did not come off without some crying, but an hour afterwards we made +merry over it. I pretended to have suddenly grown deaf, to make her +write, 'I love you.'" + +This conversation fixed itself in my mind. Sniatynski is wrong when +he maintains that among us only asses have still a kind of will. +This sculptor had a real motive to reflect, and yet a week seemed +sufficient for such a weighty decision. Maybe he does not possess the +same knowledge of self as I, but he is a very intelligent fellow. What +a plucky woman the future Pani Lukomska is; I like her ready answer. +Aniela would do the same. If, for instance, I were to lose my +eyesight, Laura would care only in so far as she could show me off, a +picturesque Demadoc, singing at her feast; but Aniela would take care +of me even if she were not my wife. + +I must acknowledge that, having such convictions, a week of indecision +seems a long time; and here I have been wavering for five months, and +the letter I wrote to my aunt was not very decisive either. + +But I comfort myself with the thought that my aunt is a clever woman, +and loving me as she does, will guess what I meant to say, and will +help me in her own way; and then there is Aniela who will assist her. +Nevertheless, I regret now that I did not write more openly, and I +feel half inclined to send another letter, but will not yield to the +impulse. Perhaps it will be as well to wait for the reply. Happy those +people, like Lukomski, whose first impulse is towards action. + + +15 June. + +Whatever name I might give to the feeling I cherish for Aniela, it is +different from anything I ever felt before. Either night or day she is +never out of my thought; it has grown into a kind of personal affair +for which I feel responsible to myself. This never used to be the +case. My other love affairs lasted a longer or shorter time, their +memories were pleasant sometimes, a little sad at others, or +distasteful as the case might be, but never absorbed my whole being. +In the idle, aimless life we are leading, woman, perforce, occupies a +large space,--she is always before us; we bestow our attentions upon +her until we become so used to it that she counts only as a venial sin +in our lives. To disappoint a woman causes us but little trouble +of conscience, though a little more perhaps than she feels in +disappointing us. With all the sensitiveness of my nature, I have a +rather blunted conscience. Sometimes it happened I said to myself, +"Now is the time for a pathetic lecture!" but I only shrugged my +shoulders and preferred to think of something more pleasant. This time +it is altogether different. For instance, I think of something that +has no connection with it whatever; presently I am overcome by a +feeling that something is missing, a great trouble seizes me, a fear +as if I had forgotten something of great importance, not done a thing +I ought to have done; and I find out that the thought of Aniela has +percolated through every nook and cranny of the mind, and taken +possession of it. It knocks there night and day like the death-tick in +the desk of Mickiewicz's poem. When I try to lessen or to ridicule the +impression, my scepticism and irony fail me, or rather help me only +for a moment; then I go back to the enchanted circle. Strictly +speaking, it is neither a great sorrow nor a sting of conscience; it +is rather a troublesome fastening upon one subject, and a restless, +feverish curiosity as to what will happen next,--as if upon that next +my very life depended. If I analyzed myself less closely, I should say +it was an all-absorbing love that had taken possession of me; but I +notice that there is something besides Aniela that causes me anxiety. +There is no doubt as to her having made a deep impression upon me; but +Sniatynski is right,--if I had loved her as much as Sniatynski loved +his wife, I should have desired to make her my own. But I--and this is +quite a fact--do not desire her so much as I am afraid to lose her. +It is not everybody perhaps who could perceive the singular and great +difference. I feel quite convinced that but for Kromitzki and the fear +of losing Aniela, I should not feel either anxieties or trouble. My +entangled skein is gradually getting straighter, and I can see now +more clearly that it is not so much love for Aniela as fear of losing +her, and with her some future happiness, that moves me, and still more +the utter loneliness I see before me should Aniela go out from my +life. + +I have noticed that the stoutest pessimists, when fate or men try to +take something out of their lives, fight tooth and nail, and cry out +as loud as the greatest optimists. I am exactly in the like position. +I do not cry out, but a terrible fear clutches at my heart, that a few +days hence I shall not know what to do with myself in this world. + + +16 June. + +I had indirect news of Laura through my lawyer, who is also their +legal adviser. Mr. Davis is already in a lunatic asylum, and Laura at +Interlaken, at the foot of the Jungfrau. Perhaps she has some ideas +about climbing the mountain heights, drapes herself in Alps, eternal +snow, and rising sun, sails gracefully on the lake, and bends over +precipices. I expressed my regret at Mr. Davis's condition, and the +lady's, who at so early an age was left without protection. Thereupon +the old lawyer set my mind at rest, telling me that Count Maleschi, a +Neapolitan, and Laura's cousin, had gone to Switzerland. I know +him. He is beautiful as an Antinous, but an inveterate gambler, and +somewhat of a coward. It appears I was a little out of my reckoning +when I compared Laura to the tower of Pisa. + +It has happened to me literally for the first time that the memory of +a woman whom I did not love, though I made her believe I did, rouses +within me much ill-feeling. I am so ungrateful and ungenerous to her +that it makes me feel ashamed. Plainly, what reason have I for any +ill-feeling, and what has she done to me that I cannot forgive? It is +because, as I said before, from the very beginning of our relations, +though not through any fault of hers, I did many things I have +never done before in my life. I did not respect my sorrow, had +no consideration for the weakness and helplessness of Davis, got +corrupted, slothful, and finally sent off that fatal letter. + +It is all my fault! But the blind man when he stumbles over a stone, +curses the stone, not the blindness that made him stumble. + + +17 June. + +To-day I paid Lukomski, gave a power of attorney to the lawyer, had my +things packed, and am ready for the journey. Rome begins to pall upon +me. + + +18 June. + +I have been counting that my aunt's reply ought to have reached me by +this. Putting aside all the worst suppositions, I try to guess what +she is going to tell me. I regret, for I do not know how many times, +that my letter was not more conclusive. Yet I wrote that I would come +to Ploszow if I felt sure my presence would be acceptable to my aunt's +guests, sending them my kindest regards at the same time. I also +mentioned that during the last days of my stay at Peli I felt so +irritable that I scarcely knew what I was doing. The letter, while I +was writing it, seemed to me very clever; now it appears to me as the +height of folly. It was simply that my vanity did not permit me to +revoke clearly and decidedly what I had written previously. I counted +upon my aunt grasping at the opportunity I gave her for settling +matters, and then I meant to make my appearance as the generous +prince. Human nature is very pitiful. Nothing now remains but to hold +fast to the hope that my aunt would guess how it stood with me. + +With my anxiety increasing every moment, I feel not only that I could +have loved Aniela, but that I do love her beyond expression, and also +that I might become an incomparably better man. Strictly speaking, why +do I act as if beyond nerves and egoism there were nothing else in me? +and if there be anything else, why does not my auto-analysis point it +out to me? I have the courage to draw extreme conclusions, and do not +hide the truth from myself, but I decidedly negative the notion. +Why? Because I have the unshaken conviction that I am better than my +actions. The cause of the latter is partly a certain incapacity of +life, partly the inheritance of my race and the disease of the times +in which I live, and finally that over-analysis which does not permit +me to follow the first, simple impulses of nature, but criticises +until it reduces the soul to utter impotence. When a child I used to +amuse myself by piling up coin upon coin until the column, bending +under its own weight, tumbled down into one chaotic heap. I am doing +now exactly the same with my thoughts and intentions, until they +collapse and roll over each other in a disorderly confusion. For this +very reason it has always been easier for me to play a passive part +than an active one. It appears to me that many cultured people are +attacked by the same disease. Criticism of ourselves and everything +else is corroding our active power; we have no stable basis, no point +of issue, no faith in life. Therein lies the reason why I do not care +so much to win Aniela as I am afraid of losing her. In speaking of a +disease common to our time, I will not confine myself exclusively to +my own case. That somebody takes to his bed when an epidemic disease +is raging is a very common occurrence; nowadays criticism of +everything is the epidemic spreading all over the world. The result +is that various roofs that sheltered men collapse over their heads. +Religion, the very name of which means "ties," is getting unloosened. +Faith, even in those who still believe, is getting restive. Through +the roof of what we call Fatherland social currents begin to filter. +There remains only one ideal in presence of which the most hardened +sceptic raises his hat,--the People. But on the base of this statue +mischievous spirits are beginning already to scribble more or less +ribald jokes, and, what is still more strange, the mist of unbelief is +rising from the heads of those who, in the nature of things, ought +to bow down reverently. Finally there will come a gifted sceptic, a +second Heine, to spit and trample on the idol, as in his time did +Aristophanes; he will not, however, trample on it in the name of old +ideals, but in the name of freedom of thought, in the name of freedom +of doubt; and what will happen then I do not know. Most likely on the +huge, clean-wiped slate the devil will write sonnets. Can anything +be done to prevent all this? Finally, what does it matter to me? To +attempt anything is not my business; I have been trained too carefully +as a child of my time. But if all that is thought, that is achieved +and happening, has for its ultimate aim to increase the sum of general +happiness, I permit myself a personal remark as to that happiness; by +which I do not mean material comfort, but that inward spiritual peace +in which I as well as anybody else may be wanting. Thus my grandfather +was happier than my father, my father happier than I, and as to my +son, if ever I have one, he will simply be an object of commiseration. + + +FLORENCE, 20 June. + +The house of cards has tumbled down. I received a letter from my aunt. +Aniela is engaged to Kromitzki, and the marriage will take place in a +few weeks. She herself has fixed such a short date. After receiving +the news I took a railway ticket, with the intention of going straight +to Ploszow, conscious all the time that it was a foolish thing to do, +which could lead to nothing. But the impulse was upon me, and carried +me along; when, collecting the last remnants of common-sense and +reflection, I stuck fast here. + + +FLORENCE, 22 June. + +Simultaneously with my aunt's letter, I received a "faire part" +addressed in a female hand. It is not Aniela's handwriting, or her +mother's; neither of them would have done it. Most likely it is Pani +Sniatynska's malicious device. Upon the whole, what does it matter? I +got a blow with a club on the head, and feel dizzy; it has shaken me +more than it has hurt. I do not know how it will be later on; they say +one does not feel a bullet wound at once. But I have not sent a bullet +through my head, I am not mad; I look at the Lung Arno; I could sit +down to a game of patience if I knew how to play; in fact, I am quite +well. It is the old story,--among sincere friends the dogs tore the +hare to pieces. My aunt considered it her Christian duty to show +Aniela the letter I had written from Peli. + + +FLORENCE, 23 June. + +In the morning, when I wake up,--or rather, when opening my +eyes,--I am obliged to repeat to myself that Aniela is marrying +Kromitzki,--Aniela, so good, so loving, who insisted on sitting up to +take care of me when I returned from Warsaw to Ploszow; who looked +into my eyes, hung upon every word that came from my lips, and with +every glance told me she was mine. That same Aniela will not only be +Kromitzki's wife, but within a week from the wedding will not be able +to conceive how she could ever hesitate in her choice between such a +man as Ploszowski and a Jupiter like Kromitzki. Strange things happen +in this world,--so terrible and irrevocable that it takes away the +desire to live out the mean remnant of one's existence. Most likely +Pani Celina together with Pani Sniatynska make a great ado about +Kromitzki, and praise him at my expense. I hope they will leave Aniela +in peace. It is my aunt's doing; she ought not to have allowed it, if +only for Aniela's sake, as she cannot possibly be happy with him. She +herself says Aniela has accepted him out of despair. + +Here is that long, cursed letter:-- + +"I thank you for the last news,--all the more as that first letter +from Peli was not only conclusive, but also very cruel. I could +scarcely believe that you had not only no affection for the girl, but +also neither friendship nor compassion. My dear Leon, I never asked +nor advised you to become engaged to Aniela at once,--I only wanted +you to write a few kindly words, not to her directly, but in a letter +to me. And believe me, it would have been sufficient; for she +loved you as only girls like her can love. Put yourself in my +position,--what could I do after having received your letter? How +could I conscientiously allow her to remain in her illusion, and at +the same time in that anxiety that evidently undermined her health? +Chwastowski always sends a special messenger for papers and letters, +and brings them himself when he comes to breakfast. Aniela saw there +was a letter from you, because the poor child was always on the +lookout for Chwastowski, and took the letters from him under pretext +that she wanted to put them under my napkin; and the real reason was +that she might see whether there was a letter from you. I noticed how +her hands trembled when she poured out the tea. Touched by a sudden +foreboding, I hesitated whether to put off the reading of your letter +until I had gone into my room; but I was anxious about your health, +and could not wait. God knows what it cost me not to show what I felt, +especially as Aniela's eyes were fixed upon my face. But I got a firm +grip of myself, and even managed to say: 'Leon is still sorrowing, +but, thank God! his health is all right, and he sends you kind +messages.' Aniela inquired, as it were in her usual voice, 'Is he +going to remain long in Italy?' I saw how much the question meant +to her, and had not the heart to undeceive her then,--especially as +Chwastowski and the servants were there; so I said merely: 'No, not +very long; I believe he will soon come to see us.' If you had seen the +flame that shot up in her face, the sudden joy that kindled her eyes, +and the effort she made not to burst into tears. Poor child! I feel +inclined to cry every time I think of it. What I went through in the +solitude of my own room, you cannot imagine; but you wrote distinctly, +'I wish her happiness with Kromitzki;' it was duty, my conscience told +me, to open her eyes. There was no need to send for her,--she came +herself. I said to her, 'Aniela, dear, you are a good girl, and a girl +that submits to God's will. We must be open with each other. I have +seen the affection that was springing up between you and Leon. It was +my dearest wish you might come to love each other; but evidently the +Lord willed it otherwise. If you have still any illusions, you must +try to get rid of them.' I took her into my arms; for she had grown +deadly white, and I was afraid she might faint. But she did not lose +consciousness, but hid her head on my knees and said over and over +again: 'What message did he send me?' I did not want to tell her, but +then it struck me it might be better for her if she knew the whole +truth; and I told her you wished her happiness with Kromitzki. She +rose, and after a moment said, in a quite changed voice: 'Thank him +for me, aunty!' and then left the room. I am afraid you will not thank +me for repeating to her your very words, without disguising them under +any kind expressions; but since you do not want Aniela, the more +plainly she is told about it the better. Convinced that you treated +her badly, she may forget you all the sooner. Besides, if it give +you pain, remember how much pain and anxiety you have caused +us,--especially Aniela. Yet she has more control over herself than I +even expected. Her eyes were quite dry the whole day, and she gave +no sign of inward trouble; she is anxious to spare her mother, about +whose health she is much concerned; she only clung more to her and +to me,--which moved me so deeply that it made my chin tremble. Pan +Sniatynski, who came to see us the same day, did not notice anything +unusual in Aniela. Knowing he is in your confidence, I told him all +about it; and he was dreadfully shocked, and got into such a rage with +you that it made me quite angry with him. I need not repeat what +he said,--you know his ways. You, who do not love Aniela, cannot +understand how happy you might have been with her; but you have done +wrong, Leon, in making her believe you loved her. Not only she,--we +all thought the same; and that is where the sting lies. Only God +knows how much she suffered; and it was this that made her accept +Kromitzki,--it was done out of despair. She must have had a long talk +with her mother, and then it was decided. When Kromitzki arrived the +day after, she treated him differently; and a week later they were +engaged. Pan Sniatynski heard about it only a few days ago, and he was +tearing his hair; and as to my own feelings, I will not even try to +put them into words. + +"I was more angry with you than I have ever been in my life with +anybody, and only your second letter has pacified me a little, though +it convinced me at the same time of the futility of my dreams. I +confess that after the first letter, and before Kromitzki had finally +proposed, I still thought: 'Perhaps God will be good to us and change +his heart; maybe he has written thus in a fit of auger!' but when +afterwards you sent kind messages to Aniela without denying or +contradicting what you had written in the first letter, I saw it was +of no use deceiving myself any longer. Aniela's wedding is to take +place on the 25th of July, and I will tell you why they have fixed +upon such a short date. Celina is really very ill, thinks she will +soon die, and is afraid her death might delay the marriage, and thus +leave Aniela without a protector. Kromitzki is in a hurry because he +has his business to attend to in the East; lastly, Aniela wishes to +drain the cup with as little delay as possible. Ah! Leon, my boy, +why should all this have happened, and why is that poor child made +unhappy? + +"I would never have allowed her to marry Kromitzki, but how could I +say a word against it, feeling as I do that I am guilty in regard +to Aniela. I was over-anxious to see you settled in life, and never +considered what might be the consequences for her. It is my fault, +and consequently I suffer not a little; I pray every day for the poor +child. + +"After the ceremony they will immediately leave for Volhynia. Celina +remains with me for the present; she was thinking of Odessa, but I +will not let her go on any account. You know, my dear boy, how happy I +am when you are with me, but do not come now to Ploszow for Aniela's +sake; if you wish to see me I will come to you, but we must spare +Aniela now as much as we can." + +Why deceive myself any longer? When I read that letter I felt as if I +could ram my head against the wall,--not in rage or jealousy but in +utter anguish. + + +23 June. + +I cannot possibly fold my hands and let things take their own way. +This marriage must not take place; it would be too monstrous. To-day, +Thursday, I have sent a telegram to Sniatynski, entreating him by all +the powers to be at Cracow by Sunday. I shall leave here to-morrow. I +asked him not to mention the telegram to anybody. I will see him, talk +to him, and beg him to see Aniela in my name. I count much upon his +influence. Aniela respects and likes him very much. I did not apply to +my aunt, because we men understand one another better. Sniatynski, as +a psychologist, can make allowance for the phase of life I have been +passing through lately. I can tell him, too, about Laura; if I were +to mention such a thing to my aunt she would cross herself as if in +presence of the Evil One. I first wanted to write to Aniela; but a +letter from me would attract attention and cause a general confusion. +I know Aniela's straight-forwardness; she would show the letter to her +mother, who does not like me and might twist the words so as to suit +her own schemes, and Kromitzki would help her. Sniatynski must see +Aniela alone. His wife will help him. I hope he will undertake the +mission, though I am fully aware what a delicate task it is. I have +not slept for several nights. When I shut my eyes I see Aniela before +me,--her face, her eyes, her smile,--I even hear her voice. I cannot +go on like this. + + +CRACOW, 26 June. + +Sniatynski has arrived. He has promised to do it,--good fellow, God +bless him for it! It is four o'clock at night, but I cannot sleep, so +I sit down to write, for I can do nothing else. We talked together, +discussed and quarrelled till three o'clock. Now he is sleeping in the +adjoining room. I could not at first persuade him to undertake the +mission. "My dear fellow," he said, "what right have I, a stranger, to +meddle in your family affairs, and such a delicate affair too? Pana +Aniela could reduce me to silence at once by saying, 'What business is +it of yours?'" + +I assured him that Aniela would do nothing of that kind. I +acknowledged he was right in the main, but this was an exceptional +case, and general rules could not apply to it. My argument that it was +for Aniela's sake seemed to convince him most; but I think he is doing +it a little for my sake too; he seemed sorry, and said I looked very +ill. Besides, he cannot bear Kromitzki. Sniatynski maintains that +money speculations is the same as taking money out of somebody +else's pocket and put it in one's own. He takes many things amiss in +Kromitzki, and says of him: "If he had a higher or honester aim in +view I could forgive him; but he tries to gain money for the mere sake +of having it." Aniela's marriage is almost as repugnant to him as +to me, and his opinion is that she is preparing a wretched life for +herself. At my entreaties he promised to take the first train in the +morning. + +The day after both he and his wife will go to Ploszow, and if they do +not find a chance of seeing Aniela alone, carry her off to Warsaw for +a few hours. He is going to tell Aniela how much I suffer, and that my +life is in her hands. He is able to do it. He will speak to her with a +certain authority, gently and persuasively; he will convince her that +a woman, however wounded her heart may be, has no right to marry the +man she does not love; that doing so she acts dishonestly, and is not +true to herself; that, likewise, she has no right to throw over the +man she loves, because in an access of jealousy he wrote a letter he +repents of now from the veriest depths of his heart. + +Towards the end Sniatynski said to me:-- + +"I will do what you wish under one condition: you must pledge me your +word that in case my mission fails, you will not go to Ploszow and +make a scene which the ladies might pay for with their health; you may +write to Aniela if you wish, but you will not go, unless she gives you +permission." + +What does he take me for? I promised unreservedly, but his words +increased my anxiety. But I count upon Aniela's heart and Sniatynski's +eloquence. Ah! how he can speak! He did not encourage my hopes, but I +can see he is hopeful himself. As a last resource he promised to get +Aniela to delay the marriage for six months. In that case the victory +is ours, for Kromitzki will draw back. I shall remember this day for +a long time. Sniatynski, when in presence of a real sorrow, can be as +gentle as a woman, and he was anxious to spare my feelings. Yet +it costs me something to lay bare even before such a friend my +madness,--weak points,--and put into his hands my whole fate, instead +of fighting it out by myself. But what does it all matter when Aniela +is in question? + + +27 June. + +Sniatynski left early. I went with him to the station. On the way I +kept repeating various instructions as if he were an idiot. He said +teasingly that if he were successful in his mission, I would begin +again philosophizing. I felt a desire to shake him. He went away with +such a cheerful face I could swear he feels sure not to fail. + +After his departure I went straight to St. Mary's Church, and I, the +sceptic, the philosopher, I who do not know, do not know, do not +know, had a mass offered in the names of Leon and Aniela. I not only +remained during mass in church, but put down here, black on white: +Perdition upon all my scepticism, philosophy, and my "I do not know!" + + +28 June. + +It is one o'clock in the afternoon. Sniatynski and his wife are +starting for Ploszow. Aniela ought to agree at least to a postponement +of her marriage. Various thoughts cross my mind. That Kromitzki is +greedy for money there is not the slightest doubt; then why did he not +fix his attentions on a richer girl? Aniela's estate is large, but +encumbered with debts,--perhaps it was the landed property he wanted, +so as to secure himself a position and a citizenship. Yet Kromitzki, +with his reputation as a rich man, could have got all this, and money +with his wife besides. Evidently Aniela attracted him personally +and for some time. It is not to be wondered at that Aniela should +captivate any one. + +And to think that she was waiting, as one waits for one's happiness or +salvation, for one word from me! My aunt says it, that she was lying +in wait for Chwastowski, to take the letters from him. A terrible fear +seizes me that all this may not be forgiven, and that I am doomed and +all those that are like me. + + +10 o'clock in the evening. + +I had a terrible neuralgia in the head; it has passed now, but what +with the pain, the sleeplessness, and anxiety, I feel as if I were +hypnotized. My mind, open and excited on one point, concentrated upon +one thought, sees more clearly than it has ever done before how the +affair will end. It seems to me that I am at Ploszow; I listen to what +Aniela says to Sniatynski, and I cannot understand how I could buoy +myself up with false hopes. She has no pity on me. These are not mere +suppositions, they are a dead certainty. Truly, something strange is +going on with me. A terrible gravity has suddenly fallen upon me, as +if up to this moment I had only been a child,--and such a terrible +sadness. Am I going to be ill? I made Sniatynski promise to send me a +telegram. No message has as yet arrived, though, properly speaking, it +will not tell me anything new. + + +29 June. + +The telegram has come. It contains these words: "It is of no +use,--pull yourself together and travel." Yes, I will do it. Oh, +Aniela! + + +Paris, 2 April. + +It is some ten months since I put down anything in my journal; it had +become such a familiar friend that I missed it. But I said to myself: +what is the use of it? If I put down on paper thoughts worthy of a +Pascal; deeper than the ocean depth; loftier than the Alps,--it would +not change the simple fact that she is married. With that fact staring +at me, my hands dropped powerless. Sometimes life concentrates itself +in one object, not necessarily an important one; but if that fails us +we seem at a loss what to do with ourselves. It is strange,--almost +laughable,--but for a long time I remained in a state of mind in which +the most commonplace functions of life seemed irksome and useless, +and it took me some time to remember that I used to go to clubs and +theatres, shaved, dressed, and dined before I knew her. The first +months I travelled a great deal, straying as far as Iceland. The sight +of Swedish lakes, Norwegian fiords, and Icelandic geysers conveyed to +me no direct impressions; I only tried to imagine what Aniela would +have felt or said to such a view,--in short, I saw with her eyes, +thought her thoughts, and felt with her heart. And when presently I +remembered that she was Aniela no longer, but Pani Kromitzka, I went +straight to the nearest railway station or ship to go somewhere else, +as what I looked upon had ceased to interest me. It did not matter +to me in the least that I played a part in one of the so commonly +ridiculed dramas where thousands of fools have played the same parts +before. And death is a drama; and those who are entering its gates +think the world is coming to an end; and so it is,--for them. + +I do not know, and will not enter into it now, whether my feeling +the first few months was one of fathomless despair. Everything is +relative. I know only that my whole being was absorbed by one woman, +and I understood for the first time the void created by the death of a +dearly loved being. + +But gradually the habit--not the zest--of life recovered its vital +power. This is a common enough fact. I have known people, inwardly +intensely sad, without a grain of cheerfulness in their souls, yet +keep up an appearance of cheerfulness because they had once been +cheerful, and the habit clung to them. And time dulls the pain, and I +found an antidote to the poison. I read once, in a book of travels by +Farini, that the Caffres, when stung by a scorpion, cure themselves +by letting the scorpion sting them in the same place. Such a +scorpion,--such an antidote,--was for me, and is generally for most +people, the word, "It is done; there is no help for it." + +It is done, therefore I suffer; it is done, and I feel relieved. +There is an anodyne in the consciousness that it cannot be helped. It +reminds me of the Indian carried away by the Niagara: he struggled +at first with all his strength against the current; but seeing the +hopelessness of his efforts, threw away his oar, laid himself down in +the bottom of the canoe, and began to sing. I am ready to sing now. +The Niagara Falls have that advantage--they crush the life out of a +man; there are others that throw him on a lonely barren shore without +water. This has happened to me. + +The evil genius bent upon wrecking my life had not taken in account +one thing: a man crushed and utterly wretched cares less for himself +than a happy one. In presence of that indifference fate becomes more +or less powerless. I was and am still in that frame of mind that, if +angry Fortuna came to me in person, and said: "Go to perdition," I +should reply calmly: "Be it so,"--not out of sorrow for the loss of +Aniela, but from mere indifference to everything within or without me. + +This is a special kind of armor which not only protects the man +himself, but also makes him dangerous to others. It is clear that +he who does not spare himself will not spare others. Even God's +commandment does not say: "Love thy neighbor more than thyself." It +does not follow that I mean to cut somebody's throat one of these +days. What I said has merely a theoretical bearing upon life in +general; nobody will be any the worse for it; for if indifference +diminishes altruism, it also lessens egoism. If I were to sleep +with my neighbor under the, same cloak, I should not surrender it +altogether; neither should I take it all to myself. + +Dangerous, and even very dangerous, such a man as I am may become +when at length he is aroused from his lethargy, drawn forth from the +seclusion of his egotism, and forced into definite action. He then +acquires the precision of motion, and also the merciless power, of +an engine, I have gained that mechanical power. For some time I have +noticed that I impress others by my way of thinking and my will more +strongly than formerly, though I have not sought it in the least. The +everlasting source of weakness is love of self, vanity, and coquetry +in regard to others. Almost unconsciously everybody tries to please, +to gain sympathy; and towards that end often sacrifices his own +opinions and convictions. At present this coquetry, if not altogether +gone, is greatly diminished; and the indifference as to whether I +please or not gives me a kind of superiority over others. I have +noticed that during my travels, and especially now at Paris. There are +many here who at one time had an ascendency over me; now I have the +ascendency, for the very reason that I care less for it. + +In a general way I look upon myself as a man who could be energetic +if he wished to exert himself; but the will acts in proportion to the +passions, and mine are in the passive state. + +As the habit of giving an account to myself for my thoughts and +actions still remains with me, I explain in this way that in certain +conditions of life we may as strongly desire not to live, as in others +we should wish the contrary. Most likely my indifference springs from +this dislike of life. It is this which renders it different from the +apathy of such men as Davis. + +It is quite certain that I have grown more independent than formerly, +and might say with Hamlet that there is something dangerous in +me. Fortunately nobody crosses my path. Everybody is as supremely +indifferent and cool towards me as I am in regard to them. Only my +aunt in far-away Ploszow loves me as of old; but I suppose even +her love has lost its active character, and there will be no more +match-making in my behalf. + + +3 April. + +Alas! that indifference I compared to pure water without taste or +color is only apparently colorless. Looking more closely I perceive +tiny bubbles which dim its purity. They are my idiosyncrasies. +Everything else has left me and they remained. I do not love anybody, +have no active hatred towards any one, but am full of aversions in +regard to various people. One of these is Kromitzki. I do not hate him +because he has taken Aniela from me; I dislike him for his long, flat +feet, his thick knees, lank figure, and that voice like a coffee-mill. +He was always repulsive to me, and I mention the fact now because that +aversion has such a strange vitality in me. I cannot help thinking of +people who jar upon my nerves. If only Kromitzki and Pani Celina came +under that category, I might think those antipathies were hatred in +the disguise of aversion. But it is not so. There are others who have +roused at some time or other an aversion in me that clings quite as +perversely to my memory. As I cannot ascribe it to the state of my +health,--I never felt better in my life,--I explain it in this way: +The world has robbed me of my love, time has dried up hatred, and as +the living individual must feel something, I live upon what remains to +me. I must also say that he who feels and lives thus does not get a +surfeit of happiness. + +My former sympathies have cooled down very considerably. To Sniatynski +I have taken a dislike which no reasoning on my part can overcome. +Sniatynski has many grand qualities and is pleasantly conscious of +them, which gives him, as painters express it, a certain mannerism. I +suppose it is exceedingly rare that a man who sees that his individual +characteristics impress people favorably does not fall in love with +his own type, and end by exaggerating it. Sniatynski consequently has +grown artificial, and for the sake of the pose sacrifices his innate +delicacy; as in case of the abrupt telegram he sent to Cracow, after +his mission with Aniela had failed,--his advice to travel, which I +should have done without it,--and I received another letter from him +at Christiania soon after Aniela's wedding, written in a friendly +spirit, but very abrupt and artificial. I might give its substance as +follows: "Panna Aniela is now Pani Kromitzka,--the thing is done; I am +sorry for you; do not think the bottom is falling out of the universe; +there are other things in the world of more importance, the deuce take +it. Norway must be splendid just now. Come back soon and set to work. +Good-by," and so forth. I do not repeat it word for word, but such was +the gist of the letter. It impressed me unpleasantly, first because +I had not asked Sniatynski to lend me his yard-measure to measure my +sorrow with; secondly, I had thought him a sensible man, and supposed +he understood that his "more important things" are merely empty words +unless they imply feelings and inclinations that existed before. I +wanted to write to him there and then and ask him to release me from +his spiritual tutelage, but thinking better of it did not answer +at all,--I fancy that is the easiest way of breaking off a +correspondence. Entering more minutely into the matter, I find that +neither his telegram nor his letter have caused my dislike. Properly +speaking, I cannot forgive him that for which I ought to feel +grateful,--his mediation between me and Aniela. I myself implored him +to undertake it, but exactly because I implored him, entrusted him +with my fate, confessed to him my weaknesses, and made him in a way my +protector, and because the humiliation and sorrow which overwhelmed me +passed through his hands,--this, perhaps, explains my dislike towards +him. I felt angry with myself, and angry with Sniatynski as having +a part in it. It is unjust, I know, but I cannot help it, and my +friendship for him has burned out like a candle. + +Besides, I have never been quick in forming ties of friendship. With +Sniatynski my relations were closer than with anybody else, perhaps +because we lived each of us in a different part of Europe. I had no +other friends. I belong in general to the class of persons called +singles. I remember there was a time when I considered this a sign +of strength. In the animal world, for instance, the weak ones mostly +cling together, and those whom nature has endowed with powerful claws +and teeth go single, because they suffice unto themselves. This +principle can be applied to human beings only in exceptional cases. +Incapacity for friendship proves mostly dryness of heart, not strength +of character. As to myself, the cause of it was a certain shyness and +sensitiveness. My heart is like that plant which closes its leaves at +the slightest touch. That I never formed ties of friendship with a +woman is a different thing altogether. I had a desire for friendship +in regard to those from whom I expected more. I feigned it sometimes, +as the fox makes believe to be dead in order to secure the rooks. It +does not follow that I disbelieve in friendship between man and woman. +I am not a fool who measures the world according to his own standard, +or a churl who is for ever suspecting evil; besides, various +observations have proved to me that such a friendship is quite +possible. As there exists the relation of brother and sister, the same +feeling may exist between two persons who feel as brother and sister +towards each other. Moreover, the capacity for that kind of friendship +belongs to the choicer spirits who have a natural inclination for +Platonic feasts, such as poets, artists, philosophers, and generally, +people who cannot be measured by the common standard. If this be a +proof that I was not made of the stuff artists, poets, and great men +are made of,--the worse for me. Most likely it is so, since I am +nothing but Leon Ploszowski. There was a time when I felt that if +Aniela had become my wife, she would not only have been my love, but +also my dearest friend. But I prefer not to think of it. Ghosts of +this kind visit me far too often, and I shall never have any peace +until I banish them altogether. + + +4 April. + +I meet Mrs. Davis here pretty often, and call upon her at her house. +And nothing else! There is some dislike, a little contempt under a +thick layer of ashes, and for the rest, the usual social intercourse. +She is still too beautiful to be classified among my idiosyncrasies. +I cannot love her, and do not take the trouble to hate her. She +understood that at once, and adapted herself to circumstances. All the +same she cannot always conceal her irritation at my self-possession +and cool independence; but for that very reason shows me greater +consideration. It is very strange, that easiness with which women from +closest relations pass on to mere acquaintanceship. Laura and I treat +each other as if there had never been anything between us,--not only +before people, but even when we are alone together. It does not +seem to cost her the slightest effort; she is polite, cool, and +self-possessed, affable in her way, and her manners influence me +to such a degree that I should never dream of calling her by her +Christian name. + +The Neapolitan cousin, Maleschi, used to roll his eyes so ferociously +at me that I almost considered it my duty to ask him not to injure his +optics; he has now calmed down, seeing how very distant our relations +to each other are, and is very friendly towards me. He has already +fought a duel about Laura, and in spite of the reputation of coward he +had in Italy, showed a deal of pluck. Poor Davis has passed to Nirvana +some months ago, and I suppose after a decent interval of widowhood, +Laura will marry Maleschi. They will make a splendid couple. The +Italian has the torso and head of an Antinous; in addition to that, a +complexion like pale gold, raven black hair, and eyes as blue as the +Mediterranean. It may be that Laura loves him, but for some reason +known only to herself, she bullies him a great deal. Several times in +my presence she treated him so uncivilly that I was surprised, as I +had thought her aesthetic nature incapable of such an exhibition of +temper. Aspasia and Xantippe in one. + +I have often noticed that women, merely beautiful, without striking +qualities of the soul, who are looked upon as stars, are something +more than stars; they are a whole constellation, two in fact,--a Great +Bear to their surroundings, a Cross to their husbands. Laura was a +Cross to poor Davis, and is now a Bear in regard to Maleschi. She +would treat me a little in that way, too, if it were not that she is +not familiar with the ways of Parisian society, and considers it safer +to have me for an ally than an enemy. It is very strange, but she +does not create here the same sensation as in Italy, or on the +Mediterranean. She is simply too classical, too beautiful for +Parisians, whose taste is to a certain degree morbid, as appears in +their literature and art; and characteristic ugliness more strongly +excites their blunted nerves than simple beauty. It is a noted fact +that the most celebrated stars of the _demi-monde_ are rather ugly +than beautiful. In regard to Laura, there is another reason for +her non-success with the Parisians. Her intelligence, though very +uncommon, is upon too straight lines, wanting in that kind of dash +so appreciated here. There are thinkers, and deep thinkers, too, in +Paris, but in society those mostly win a reputation whose minds are +nimble enough to cling to any subject, as a monkey to a branch by his +tail or feet, turning head over heel. The more these jumps are sudden +and unexpected, the surer the success. Laura understands this, and at +the same time is conscious that to do this would be as easy for her +as to dance on a rope. She considers me an adept in these kinds of +gymnastics, and consequently wants me. + +To increase the attraction of her salon, she has made it into a temple +of music. She herself sings like a siren, and thereby attracts +many people. I meet there often a pianiste, Clara Hilst, a young, +good-looking German girl, very tall of figure, whom one of the +painters here describes thus: "C'est beau, mais c'est deux fois +grandeur naturelle." In spite of her German origin, she has met with +a considerable success. As to myself, I evidently belong to the old +school, for I do not understand the music of the present, which +consists in a great deal of noise and confusion. Listening the last +time to Miss Hilst's playing at Laura's, I thought to myself that if +the piano were a man who had seduced her sister, she could not +belabor him more mercilessly. She also plays on the harmonium. Her +compositions are thought of a great deal here, and considered very +deep; most likely because those who could not understand them, hearing +them for the tenth time, hope the eleventh time will make them more +intelligible. I must confess that these remarks sound malicious, +perhaps bold in one who does not profess to be a judge. Yet it seems +to me that music for the understanding of which one has to be a +professor of the Conservatorium, and for which people intellectually +developed, let alone simple folk, do not possess the key, is not what +it ought to be. I am afraid that musicians following the same track +will end by creating a separate caste, like the Egyptian priests, in +order to keep knowledge and art exclusively to themselves. + +I say this because I notice that since Wagner's time, music, compared, +for instance, to painting, has taken a quite different direction. The +newer school of painting is narrowing spontaneously the limit of its +proportions, tries to divest itself from philosophical and literary +ideas; does not attempt speeches, sermons, historical events that +require a commentary, or allegory that does not explain itself at a +glance; in fact confines itself with the full consciousness of doing +so to the reproduction of shape and color. Music since Wagner's time +goes in the opposite direction,--tries to be, not only a harmony of +sound, but at the same time the philosophy of harmony. I sometimes +think a great musical genius of the future will say, as Hegel did in +his time:-- + +"There was only one who understood me, and he understood me wrongly." + +Miss Hilst belongs to the category of musical philosophers, which is +all the more strange, as her mind is full of simplicity. This caryatid +has the limpid, innocent eyes of a child, and is unsophisticated and +sincere like one. She is surrounded by a great throng of admirers, who +are attracted by her beauty, and more still by the nimbus that makes a +woman touched by the hand of the Muses always a centre of attraction; +nevertheless, not a breath has touched her fair fame. Even the women +speak well of her, for she disarms them by her invariable good humor +and sincerity. She is as gay as any street urchin, and I have seen her +laughing as schoolgirls laugh, the tears running down her face, which +would be considered bad form in anybody but an artist, who is a +privileged person. Hers, from a moral point of view, is a beautiful +character, though beyond her art, she is not endowed with great +intellectual gifts. Laura, who, in the main, does not like her, hinted +to me several times that the caryatid is in love with me. I do not +believe it; she might love me, perhaps, if I tried to make her. One +thing is certain, she likes me very much, and felt sympathy for me the +first time we met. I return the sentiment, and do not try to disturb +her peace of mind. When I meet a woman for the first time I look upon +her, from old habit I suppose, as a possible conquest; it is the first +instinct. A second thought is quite different. Generally speaking, +women interest me in the way precious stones interest a jeweller who +has retired from business. Seeing a valuable gem, I say to myself it +is worth having, and then I remember that I have sold out, and go on +my way. + +In spite of all that, I once, half in jest, urged her to go to Warsaw, +and promised to escort her as honorary _impresario_. I do not say that +such a journey would be without charm. I really intend going. My aunt +has given me her town house, and wants me to come over in order to +take the property. Besides, I always go to Warsaw for the races. Who +would believe that my aunt, a grave, serious-minded lady, devoted to +the management of the estate, to prayer and benevolent schemes, had +such a worldly weakness as horse-racing. It is her one passion. Maybe +the knightly instincts which women inherit as well as men, find an +outlet in this noble sport. Our horses have been running for Heaven +knows how many years,--and are always beaten. My aunt never fails to +attend the races, and is an enthusiast about horses. While her own +horses are running, she stands on the back seat of her carriage, +leaning on a stick, her bonnet usually awry, and watches for the +result,--then gets very angry, and for at least a month makes +Chwastowski's life a burden to him. At present I hear she has reared +a wonderful horse, and she bids me to come and witness the triumph of +the black and orange colors. I shall go. There are other reasons too +which make me inclined to go. As I have said, I am comparatively +speaking calm, do not wish for anything, or expect anything, am +resigned in fact to that kind of spiritual paralysis until the time +comes when bodily paralysis carries me off, as it carried off my +father. Nevertheless, I cannot forget altogether, therefore it is +only a partial paralysis. The one being I ever loved presents herself +before my mind in two shapes. The one is called Pani Kromitzka, the +other Aniela. As far as Pani Kromitzka is concerned, I am indifferent +and a stranger; but Aniela still haunts me and brings with her, +as gifts, the consciousness of wrong, my foolishness, spiritual +crookedness, pain, bitterness, disappointment, and loss. Verily a +munificent spirit! I might be even now perfectly contented if somebody +could take from my brain that particular part wherein memory dwells. I +try to drive away the thoughts of what might have been if things had +turned out differently, but cannot always manage it. My munificent, +generous angel will come now and then, and from her cornucopia shower +her gifts upon me. At times the idea comes into my mind that Pani +Kromitzka will lay the ghost of Aniela,--and that is one reason I wish +to go; to look upon her happiness, her married life, and all those +changes which must have made her different from the old Aniela. +Perhaps I may meet her at Ploszow, as she will want to see her mother, +after so many months of separation. + +I suppose that I do not delude myself, and that "ceci tuera cela." +I count mostly upon my nerves, which are so easily worked upon. I +remember that when I had made Aniela's acquaintance and her charm +began to act upon me with such irresistible force, the very mention of +Kromitzki in connection with her made her less desirable. This will +be more so now, when she belongs to him body and soul. I am almost +certain the remedy will prove efficacious, and that "ceci tuera cela." +And if not, if it should turn out differently, what have I to lose? I +do not wish to gain anything, but should not be sorry perhaps to know +that the guilt was not on my side only, and that henceforth the burden +would have to be divided between us two; this might give me a kind of +satisfaction. I say, it _might_, because I am not sure that it would. +Thoughts of revenge are very far from me. It is only on theatrical +boards that disappointed lovers are thirsting for revenge; in real +life they go away with distaste, that is all. Moreover, to make Pani +Kromitzka believe that she had done wrong in rejecting my repentance I +should have to believe firmly in it myself,--and strange to say, there +are moments I am not sure of anything. + + +5 April. + +I know for certain I shall meet Pani Kromitzka. Her husband has sold +the estate, betaken himself to Baku on business speculation, and has +sent his wife to join her mother at Ploszow; so my aunt tells me in +her letter. I received the news if not indifferently, at least with +perfect composure, but I notice that the impression gradually gained +upon me. At present I cannot think of anything else, as the fact is of +so great importance to the two women. After so short a space as ten +months he sold the estate which over four hundred years had been in +Aniela's family, and to the preservation of which Pani Celina had +devoted her own life. Then comes a Pan Kromitzki and sells it with a +light heart because he wants the money for his speculations. Suppose +he does make millions--will that compensate the women for the loss of +what they prized above money? What will they think of him now? My +aunt writes that she is sitting by Pani Celina's bedside, who after +receiving the news of the sale grew worse at once. I am quite certain +that Aniela, when putting her signature to the deed which empowered +her husband to dispose of the land, did not know what she was signing. +She is even now defending her husband. My aunt quotes from Aniela's +letter: "A great misfortune has happened, but it was not Charles's +fault." Defend him, defend him, O loyal wife; but you cannot prevent +my thinking that he has wounded you deeply, and that at the bottom of +your heart you despise him. Neither kisses nor soft words will efface +from your memory the one word "sold." And Pani Celina thought that +after the marriage he would devote his money towards clearing off the +debts and disincumbering the property! Dear ladies, I, a man who does +not boast of civic virtues, would not have done it, if for no other +reason than innate delicacy of feeling, affection for you, and fear to +wound you. But for speculations, ready money is wanted. I hope it is +not merely prejudice, but these millions I heard so much about appear +to me like a great point of interrogation. Maybe he will get them; +perhaps the capital realized from the sale will help him towards it; +but if he had possessed the wealth he used to boast of, would he have +dealt his wife and mother-in-law such a blow, and sold their ancestral +seat? My aunt writes that he left immediately after the sale for Baku, +and intends to go as far as Turkestan. Aniela being too young to live +by herself must needs come to Ploszow, as her mother cannot leave it +at present, because she is too ill to travel; and besides my aunt will +not let her go, and she is afraid of crossing her in any way. I know +Aniela too well to suspect her of any calculations. She is the very +essence of disinterestedness. But the mother, who would grasp all the +world for her only child, doubtless counts upon the chance of a legacy +for Aniela. And she is not mistaken either. My aunt, who never quite +believed in Kromitzki's millions, gave me to understand several times +that she meant to do something for Aniela; she said it with a certain +hesitation, almost humbly, as she considers everything ought to go to +a Ploszowski, and that to leave anything to another would be a wrong +to the family. How little she knows me! If Aniela were in want of a +pair of shoes and I had to sell Ploszow and give all I possess, she +should have them. I might be prompted by a less noble motive,--for +instance, to appear different from a Kromitzki,--but from whatever +motive, I should give it certainly. But there is no question of that +now. I am thinking continually that she is living at Ploszow, and will +remain there as long as Kromitzki's journeys last, which may be God +only knows for how long. I shall see Pani Kromitzka every day. At the +thought of this I feel a certain uneasiness, with a strong admixture +of curiosity as to our future relations towards each other; and I +clearly see what might happen if my disposition and feelings in regard +to her were different. I never lie to myself; I repeat again that I +am going there in order to cure myself, that I do not love Pani +Kromitzka, and never will love her; that on the contrary, I am in +hope that the sight of her will drive Aniela out of my heart far more +successfully than all the fiords and geysers; but I would not be +myself, the man who has lived much and thought much, if I did not see +the danger which under other circumstances such a position might bring +forth. + +If I wanted to revenge myself, if the very name Pani Kromitzka did not +excite my loathing, what could stand in my way or hinder me,--in +quiet Ploszow, where would be we two only, and the elder ladies, as +unsuspicious and unsophisticated in their stainless virtue as any +babies? In regard to this I know my aunt and Pani Celina. In the +higher spheres of society one meets sometimes women thoroughly +corrupted; but there are many, especially among the older generation, +who pass through life like angels, with no thought of evil ever coming +near them. Neither my aunt nor Pani Celina would ever dream of any +danger threatening Aniela now she is married. Aniela herself belongs +to that kind. She would not have rejected my prayers had she not given +her word to Kromitzki. But Polish women of this kind would rather +break a heart than break their word. At the very thought of it a dull +wrath seizes me. I crush down within me the desire every one has to +prove the truth of his opinion. I do not want to argue at all with +Pani Kromitzka, but if somebody else would do it,--point out to women +like her that the laws of nature, laws of affection, cannot be broken +with impunity, that they are stronger than any ethic laws, I should be +glad of it. It is true I have sinned in regard to Aniela, but I wished +to make amendment from the very depth of my heart, and she rejected +me,--rejected me perhaps so as to be able to say to herself: "I am not +a Leon Ploszowski; I have given a promise, and do not take it back." +This is not virtue, it is want of heart; it is not heroism, but +foolishness; not rectitude of conscience, but vanity. I cannot forget, +I cannot; but Pani Kromitzka will help me. When I come to see her in +her new matronly dignity, satisfied with her heroism, self-possessed, +in love, or apparently so, with her husband, watching me furtively to +see whether I have been punished, and punished sufficiently, full of +happiness and her own virtues, the ghost of my old love will be laid, +and I can go back to where the reindeer lives without Aniela's memory +following me like the sea-gulls in the track of ships. + +It is possible that Pani Kromitzka will put on the airs of an injured +victim, and her whole manner to me may say: "It is your fault!" Very +well. We have seen some of that in the world. As artificial flowers +have one defect, the want of scent, artificial crowns of thorn have +one advantage, they do not prick, and may be worn as a bonnet, very +becoming to a pretty face. Whenever I met one of those victims who +married out of despair I felt a desire to say: "It is not true! you +were a victim maybe in good faith as long as the chosen one did not +approach you in his slippers. From that moment you ceased to be +pathetic, and are only ridiculous, and the more so if you pose as a +victim." + + +6 April. + +How beautiful and wise is the Greek word "ananke." It was fated that +through a woman I should lose my peace of mind, though I had ceased +to care for her. The news that her ancestral seat is sold, and she +herself coming to live at Ploszow, moved me so deeply that I could not +sleep. Various questions knocked at my brain, asking for admittance. +I tried to solve the question whether I had any right to lead Pani +Kromitzka from the path of virtue. I neither wish, nor will I endeavor +to do so, because she has ceased to attract me; but would it be right? +I fill my life with these questions of "to be, or not to be," because +I have nothing else to do. Thoughts like mine are not reckoned among +the delights of life. It is like the dog trying to catch his tail; he +does not catch anything. I do not prove anything, only tire myself; +but have the satisfaction that another day has passed, or another +night gone by. + +I observe at the same time, that with all my scepticism, I am still +beset with scruples worthy of the vicar of Ploszow. The modern man is +composed of so many threads that in trying to set himself right, he +gets more and more entangled. It was in vain I repeated to myself, +if only in theory, that I had the right. A voice, as from the parish +church, seemed to say at intervals: "No! no! you have not the right!" +But scruples like these ought to be kept down, as for me this is a +question of keeping my mind evenly balanced. At this quiet evening +time, I feel just in the humor for it. This afternoon, at a well-known +painter's studio, I heard Mrs. Davis maintain, in discussion with two +literary men, that a woman ought to be unapproachable all her life, +if only "pour la nettete du plumage," and Maleschi repeated, "Oui, +oui,--du plumaze." Oh, ye gods and fishes! I fancied all the crabs +in the Mediterranean rolling on their backs in silent laughter, and +raising their claws to heaven, imploring Jove for a thunderbolt! By +the bye, Mrs. Davis borrowed that sentence from me, and I borrowed +it from Feuillet. I kept my gravity, and did not permit myself the +slightest smile, but it put me into a merry, cynical humor, the +reflection of which still remains with me, and is for the moment the +best weapon against scruples of conscience. + +Now for the start. Would it be right for me to fall in love with Pani +Kromitzka, and in case of success lead her from the path of duty? +First, let us look at it from a point of honor, as people consider it +who call themselves, and whom the world regards as, gentlemen. There +is not a single paragraph there against it. It is one of the queerest +codices ever invented under the sun. If, for instance, I steal +somebody's money, the disgrace falls upon me, and not upon the man who +is robbed, according to the world's rule of honor; but if I rob him of +his wife, it is not I, but the robbed man who is disgraced. What does +it mean? Is it a mere aberration of the moral sense, or is it that +between stealing a man's purse and stealing his wife, there is such +a vast difference that the two cases cannot be even compared? I have +often thought over this, and have come to the conclusion that there +is a great difference. A human being can never be as absolutely a +property as a thing, and the taking away somebody's wife is an act of +a double will. Why should I respect the rights of a husband if his own +wife does not? What is he to me? I meet a woman who wants to be mine, +and I take her. Her husband does not exist for me; her vows are no +affair of mine. What should hold me back? Respect for the matrimonial +institution? But if I loved Pani Kromitzka, I would cry out from the +very depth of my soul: "I protest against this marriage; protest +against her duties towards Kromitzki. I am the worm this marriage has +crushed; and they tell me, writhing in anguish, to respect it,--me, +who would sting it with my last breath." Why; for what reason? What do +I care for a social institution that has wrung from me the last drop +of blood, deprived me of my very existence? Man lives on fish. Go tell +the fish to respect the order that it be skinned alive before being +put on the fire. I protest and sting,--that is my answer. Spencer's +ideal of a finally developed man, in whom the individual impulses will +be in perfect harmony with social laws, is nothing but an assumption. +I know perfectly that such as Sniatynski would demolish my theory with +one question: "You are then for free-love?" No, nothing of the sort. I +am for myself. I do not wish to hear anything about your theories. If +you fall in love with another woman, or your wife with somebody else, +we shall see what becomes of your rules, paragraphs, and respect for +social institutions. At the worst, I might be called inconsequent. I +was inconsequent, too, when I, a sceptic, had a mass offered up for +Leon and Aniela, and prayed like a child, and swallowed my tears like +any fool. In future I will always be inconsequent when it suits me and +makes me happier. There is only one logic in the world,--the logic of +passions. Reason holds the reins for a time, but when the horses tear +along in mad career, she sits on the box and merely watches lest +the vehicle should go to pieces. The human heart cannot be rendered +love-proof, and love is an element strong as tidal waves. The very +gates of hell cannot overcome a woman who loves her husband, for the +marriage vows are only the sealing of love's compact; but if it be +mere duty, the first tide will throw her on the sands like a dead +fish. I cannot bind myself not to let my hair grow, or to remain +always young; and as often as I did so, the laws of nature would take +their course in spite of human bonds. It is strange, but all that I +am writing is pure theory. I have no schemes I need justify before +myself, and yet all these reflections have stirred my soul to such +an extent that I had to leave off writing. My calmness is evidently +artificial. I walked up and down the room for an hour, and at last +found out what disturbed me. + +It is very late. From the windows of my room I see the cupola of the +Invalides gleaming in the moonlight, as once I saw St. Peter's cupola, +when, full of hope, I walked on the Pincio, thinking of Aniela. +Unconsciously I had given myself up to those memories. Whatever there +be or awaits us in the future, one thing is certain: I could have been +happy, and she might be ten, nay, a hundred times happier than she +is. Even now, if I had any hidden schemes, or if she were to me the +greatest temptation, I would respect her unhappiness. I would not hurt +her for anything. The very thought of it would take away my courage +and decision, I had such an amount of tenderness for her. + +But all that is in the past. The sceptic dwelling within me creeps up +again with another question: Would she be really so unhappy? I have +verified, not once, but several times, the fact that women are unhappy +only while they struggle. The battle once over, regardless of the +result, there follows a period of calm and happiness. I knew at one +time a woman in Paris who resisted most persistently for three years. +When at last her heart got the upper hand and she gave in, she only +reproached herself for not having done so sooner. + +But what is the use of putting all these questions or trying to solve +problems? I know that every principle is open to argument, and every +proof to scepticism. The good old times when people doubted everything +except their intelligence to recognize the true from the false, have +gone. At present there is nothing but labyrinths upon labyrinths. +I had better not think of anything but the journey before me. And +Kromitzki sold his wife's ancestral home and thus inflicted on her a +cruel blow! I had to write it down black on white once more, otherwise +I could not believe it. + + +10 April. + +I went towards evening to say good-by to Mrs. Davis, and dropped in +for a regular concert. Laura seems really very fond of music. Miss +Hilst was playing on the harmonium. I always like to see her, but +especially when she sits down to the harmonium, and playing the +prelude, keeps her eyes on the keys. There is so much earnestness and +intentness in her face, combined with calmness. She reminds me of +Saint Cecilia, the most sympathetic of all saints, with whom I should +have fallen in love had she lived in our times. A pity Clara is so +tall; but one forgets it when she is playing. From time to time she +lifts her eyes, as if recalling to memory a note heard somewhere in +the spheres, or seeking inspiration, and she herself looks like +one inspired. She rightly bears the name of Clara, for it would be +difficult to find a more transparent soul. I said I liked to see her; +as to her music, it is still the same; I do not understand it, +or rather I follow her meaning with the greatest difficulty. +Nevertheless, in spite of my satirical remarks, I think she has a +remarkable talent. + +When she had finished I approached her, and still half jestingly said +the time had come and I was ready to escort her to Warsaw according +to our agreement. I was surprised to see her take my proposition so +seriously. She said that she had wanted to go there for some time, and +was quite ready; it was all a question of informing an old relative +who always went with her, and of taking a dumb piano, as she practised +even on her journeys. + +The prospect began to alarm me somewhat. If she goes, I shall have to +help her in getting up a concert; and I would rather go straight on to +Ploszow. As a last resource I could hand her over to Sniatynski, +who would be more useful to her than I. Besides, Miss Hilst is the +daughter of a rich mill-owner at Frankfurt, and it is not a question +of material success with her. The eagerness with which she agreed to +the journey made me thoughtful. I had half a mind to tell her that I +did not object to the dumb piano so much as to the elderly relative. +Men are so prone to lie in wait for women that few approach a young +and pretty one without an after-thought. As to myself, though wholly +absorbed by something else, the idea of the old relative travelling +with us was unpleasant, the more so as my person evidently plays some +part in this so quickly arranged journey. Paris presents a far wider +scope for her musical talent, and she does not care for gain; why +should she be so anxious to go to Warsaw? Laura, as I have said, has +hinted more than once that Miss Hilst has more than a liking for me. A +strange woman, Laura! Clara's innocence excites her envy, but only as +it might be excited by a beautiful jewel, or by rare lace,--with her +it is merely a question of adornment. Maybe for that reason she would +like to push that big child into my arms. She does not care for me any +longer; I am an ornament she has worn already. + +That woman, though unconsciously, has wrought me such irreparable harm +that I ought to hate her, but cannot,--first, because I am conscious +that, had she never crossed my path, I should have probably found some +other means to wreck my happiness; secondly, as Satan is a fallen +angel, so hatred is degenerated love, and I never loved Laura. There +is a little contempt for her, a little dislike, and she returns the +feeling undoubtedly a hundredfold. + +As to Clara's feelings, Laura may be right. To-day I saw it clearer +than ever. If that be the case, I am grateful to her. For the first +time in my life I long for the pure friendship of a woman. A soul so +restless as mine will find solace and comfort in such a friendship. + +We conversed together to-day, Clara and I, like old friends. Her +intelligence is not large, but clear and discerning between bad and +good, ugly and what she considers beautiful; consequently her judgment +is not shifty, but calm and serene. She has that kind of spiritual +healthiness often met with in Germans. Coming across them now and +then I observe that the type I belong to is very rare among them. The +Germans and the English are generally positive and know what they +want. They too are sounding the fathomless depth of doubt, but they +do it methodically as scientists, not as sensitive geniuses without +portfolio like me; in consequence of which their recent transcendental +philosophy, their present scientific pessimism, and their poetic +_Weltschmerz_ have only a theoretical meaning. Their everyday practice +consists in adapting themselves to the rules of life. According to +Hartmann, the more humanity gains in intensity and consciousness. +The more unhappy it grows. The same Hartmann, with the calmness of a +German _Cultur-traeger_, becomes practical when he raises his voice +in favor of suppressing the Polish element as detrimental to German +supremacy. But, putting aside this incident, which belongs to the +category of human villanies, Germans do not take theories seriously, +and therefore are always calm and capable of action. This same +calmness Clara possesses. Things which rend and trouble human souls +must have come near her some time or other, but if so they left no +trace and were not absorbed by her; thus she never lost faith in +truth and in her art. If she has any deeper feeling for me than mere +friendship, the feeling is unconscious and does not ask for anything +in return. If it were otherwise, it would be the beginning of her +tragedy, as I could not return her love and might make her unhappy. I +am not so conceited as to think that no woman could resist me, but I +am of the opinion that no woman can resist the man she truly loves. +It is a trite saying that "a fortress besieged is a fortress +surrendered," but there is some truth in it when adapted to woman, +especially when behind the entrenchment of her virtues she harbors +such a traitor as her own heart. But Clara may rest tranquil. We shall +travel peacefully together: she, her old relative, myself, and the +dumb piano. + + +16 April. + +I arrived at Warsaw three days ago, but have not been able to go to +Ploszow as, shortly after my arrival, I got a cold in my teeth and my +face is swollen. I do not wish to show myself to the ladies in that +state. + +I have seen Sniatynski, and my aunt, who has welcomed me as the +prodigal son. Aniela arrived at Ploszow a week ago. Her mother is very +ill, so ill that the doctors who advised her to try Wiesbaden now +declare she could not bear the journey. She will therefore remain +at Ploszow until she recovers--or dies, and Aniela with her, until +Kromitzki winds up his business or thinks it proper to give her a +home. From what my aunt says this may take him some months. I tried to +get from my aunt as much news about Aniela as I could, which is easy +enough, as she speaks about her with perfect freedom. She simply +cannot understand how a married woman could excite any feeling except +in the way of relationship; or rather, she has never even considered +the question. She spoke openly about the sale of Aniela's home, which +she considers a great shame. She got so excited over it as to break +her watch-chain and let the watch roll on the floor. + +"I will tell him so to his face," she said. "I would rather have lent +him the money had I known anything about it. Only what would have been +the use? His speculations are a gulf. I do not know whether any good +will come out of it, but in the meanwhile everything is swallowed up +in it. Let him only come, and I will tell him that he makes Aniela +unhappy, kills her mother, and will end in ruining them and himself." +I asked my aunt whether she had said anything about this to Aniela. + +"To Aniela?" she replied. "I am glad you have come; it relieves my +mind and makes it easier to bear. I cannot speak about it with Aniela. +I tried it once when I could not contain myself any longer. I made +some remark and she grew very angry, then burst out crying and said, +'He was obliged, he was obliged, and could not help it.' She does not +allow anybody to say a word against him, and would like to cover all +his short-comings before the world; but she cannot deceive an old +woman like me, and I know that at the bottom of her heart she must +condemn him as I do." + +"Do you mean she does not love him?" + +My aunt looked at me in unfeigned surprise. + +"Not love him? Of course she loves him. Whom should she love if not +him? That's just where the sting lies; she grieves because she loves +him. But one may love and yet have one's eyes open to what is wrong." + +I had my own opinion on that point, but preferred not to express it, +and allowed my aunt to proceed. + +"What I resent most in him are his lies. He assured Celina and Aniela +that in a year or two he would be able to buy the estate back. Just +tell me, is this possible? and those women believe he is in earnest!" + +"According to my opinion it is quite impossible. Besides, he will go +on speculating." + +"He knows it even better than we do, and yet he goes on lying to the +women." + +"Perhaps he does it to relieve their anxiety." + +My aunt grew angrier still. + +"Relieve their anxiety! fiddlesticks! they would not have had any +anxiety if he had not sold it. Do not defend him, it is of no use. +Everybody blames him. Chwastowski was wild about it. He had looked +into the affairs, and says that without any ready money he could have +cleared the estate himself in a few years. I would have given the +money and so would you, would you not? and now it is too late." + +Presently I inquired about Aniela's health, with a strange, troubled +foreboding I might hear something which, though perfectly natural +and in the order of things, would give a shock to my nerves. My aunt +caught the drift of my thoughts and replied with as much acerbity as +before:-- + +"There is nothing whatever the matter with her. All he could do +he did; that was to sell his wife's estate. No, there is nothing +expected." + +I turned the conversation to something else. I told my aunt I had +arrived together with the celebrated pianist Miss Hilst, who, having +considerable means of her own, wished to give a few concerts gratis. +My aunt is a queer mixture of eccentricities. She began by abusing +Miss Hilst for not coming in winter, when the time for concerts was +more propitious; presently began considering that it was not too late +yet, and wanted to go and call upon her at once. I could scarcely +persuade her to put off her visit until I had told Miss Hilst about +it. My aunt is a patroness of several charitable institutions, and it +is with her a point of honor to get for them as much as she can at the +expense of other institutions, consequently was afraid somebody else +might forestall her with the artist. + +When leaving me she asked, "When are you coming to stay at Ploszow?" + +I replied that I was not going to stay there at all. I had thought of +that during the journey and came to the conclusion that it would be +better to have my headquarters at Warsaw. Ploszow is only six miles +from here, and I can go there in the morning and stay as long as I +like. It is indifferent to me where I live, and my living here will +prevent people talking. Besides, I do not want Pani Kromitzka to think +I am anxious to dwell under the same roof with her. I spoke of this to +Sniatynski, and saw that he fully agreed with me; he seemed anxious to +discuss Aniela with me. Sniatynski is a very intelligent man, but he +does not seem to understand that changed circumstances mean changed +relations, even between the best of friends. He came to me as if I +were the same Leon Ploszowski who, shaking in every limb, asked for +his help at Cracow; he approached me with the same abrupt sincerity, +desiring to plunge his hand up to his elbow under my ribs. I pulled +him up sharply, and he seemed surprised and somewhat angry. Presently +he fell in with my humor, and we talked together as if the last +meeting at Cracow had never taken place. I noticed, nevertheless, +that he watched me furtively, and not being able to make me out tried +indirect inquiry, with all the clumsiness of an author who is a +deep psychologist and reader of the human mind at his desk, and as +unsophisticated as any student in practical life. As Hamlet of yore, I +might have handed him a pipe and said, "Do you think I am easier to be +played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you +can fret me, yet you cannot play upon me." + +I had been reading Hamlet the night before, as I have read it many a +time, and involuntarily these words came into my mind. It seems to +me surpassing strange that a man of my time, in whatever position or +complicated trouble of soul, should find so much analogy to himself +as I find in this drama, based upon Holinshed's sanguinary and gross +legend. Hamlet is the human soul as it was, as it is, and as it will +be. In conceiving this drama, Shakspeare overstepped the limit fixed +even for genius. I can understand Homer and Dante, studied by the +light of their epoch. I can comprehend that they could do what they +did; but how an Englishman of the seventeenth century could foreknow +psychosis, a science of recent growth, will be to me, in spite of my +study of Hamlet, an everlasting mystery. + +Having mentally handed over to Sniatynski Hamlet's pipe, I recommended +to his care Miss Hilst, and then began to discuss his pet theories. +Upon his wanting to know what brought me back, I said it was the +longing for the country, and consciousness of unfulfilled duties +towards it. I said it in a careless, off-hand way, and Sniatynski +looked puzzled, not knowing whether I spoke seriously or mockingly. +And again the same phenomenon of which I spoke in Paris repeated +itself here. The moral ascendency he had gained over me gradually +disappeared. He did not know himself what to think, but he saw the +old key would not serve any longer. When he said good-by I again +recommended to him Miss Hilst. He looked at me keenly. + +"Do you attach much importance to her success?" + +"Yes, very much. She is a person I hold in great esteem, and have much +friendship for." + +In this way I centred all his attention on Miss Hilst. Most likely he +thought I had fallen in love with her. He went away angry, and could +not disguise his feelings. He shut the door sharply; and when I +accompanied him as far as the staircase, and turned back to the +anteroom, I heard him descending the staircase, taking four steps at +once, and whistling,--which he always does when angry. Besides, it was +quite true, what I said about Miss Hilst. I wrote to-day to Clara, +explaining why I had not been to see her, and received a reply at +once. She is delighted with Warsaw, and especially its inhabitants. +All the musical world has called upon her, and they are vying with +each other in politeness and offers of help. Whether they would +be quite as enthusiastic had she come to settle here, is another +question; but Clara has the gift to win friends wherever she goes. She +has already seen something of the town, and was much charmed with the +Sazienki Park and Palace. I am glad she likes it,--the more so as +the country, soon after crossing the frontier, seemed to her rather +depressing. Truly, only those born on the soil can find any charm in +the vast solitary plains, where the eye finds very little to rest +upon. Clara, looking through the carriage window, said more than once: +"Ah! I can understand Chopin now!" She is utterly mistaken,--she does +not understand Chopin and his feelings, any more than she is in touch +with his native land. I, though a cosmopolitan by education, by +atavism understand our nature, and am surprised myself at the spell +a Polish spring casts upon me, and it seems as if I could never +feel tired of it. Properly speaking, what does the view consist of? +Sometimes, on purpose, I put myself into a stranger's place,--a +painter's, having no preconceived ideas about it, and look at it with +his eyes. The landscape then makes upon me the impression as if a +child had drawn it, or a savage, who had no notion about drawing. Flat +fallow-land, wet meadows, huts with their rectangular outline, the +straight poplars around country-seats on the distant horizon, a broad, +flat plain, finished off with a belt of woods,--that "ten miles of +nothing," as the Germans call it; all this reminds me of a first +attempt at drawing landscape. There is scarcely enough for a +background. From the moment I cease looking upon it with a stranger's +eyes, I begin to feel the simplicity of the view, incorporate myself +with that immense breadth, where every outlined object melts into the +far distance, as a soul in Nirvana; it has not only the artistic +charm of primitiveness, but it acts soothingly upon me. I admire the +Apennines; but my spirit is not in touch with them, and sooner or +later they become wearisome. The human being finds a resting-place +only where he is in harmony with his surroundings; and is reminded +that his soul and the soul of nature are of the same organization. +Homesickness springs from the isolation of the soul from its +surroundings. It appears to me that the principle of psychical +relationship could be applied in a still wider sense. It may seem +strange that I, brought up in foreign lands, permeated by their +culture, should harbor such views; but I go farther still, and say +a foreign woman, even the most beautiful, appears to me more as a +species of the female kind than a soul. + +I remember what I wrote at one time concerning Polish women, but one +statement does not contradict the other; I may perceive their faults, +and yet feel myself nearer to them than to strangers. Besides, my old +opinions--at least, the greater part of them--are now in tatters, like +a worn-out garment. + +But enough of this! I notice with a certain shame and surprise +that all I have been writing has been done in order to distract my +thoughts. Yes, that is true. I speak about landscapes, homesickness, +and so forth, while all my thoughts are at Ploszow. I did not want to +acknowledge it, even to myself. I feel restless, and something seems +to weigh me down. It is very probable that my going there and the +getting over the first meeting will be easier and far simpler than I +imagine. Expectancy of anything is always oppressive. When a young +lad, I had a duel; and on the eve of the day I felt troubled. Then, +too, I tried to think of something else, and could not manage it. +My thoughts are not at all tender, not even friendly, towards Pani +Kromitzka; but they swarm around me like angry bees, and I cannot +drive them away. + + +17 April. + +I have been to Ploszow, and found things very different indeed from +what I had pictured to myself. I left Warsaw at seven in the morning +in a cab, counting I should be in Ploszow by eight. The oppressive +feeling still remained with me. I had said to myself that I would not +make any plans about that first meeting, or my future bearing towards +her. Let chance be my guide. But I could not help speculating how +it would be,--how she would greet me, what she would try to make me +understand, and what our future relation to each other would be. Not +having formed any plans of my own, I fancied, I do not know why that +she would want to act according to a well-defined system. Trying to +fathom this, I felt almost inimical towards her. Then again, at the +thought that the meeting might cause her pain, I felt something akin +to pity, and seemed to see her before me as she used to be. I saw +distinctly the low brow with the wealth of auburn hair, the long +eyelashes, and the small, delicate face. I tried to guess how +she would be dressed. Memories came back of words she had said, +expressions of the face, graceful motions, dresses. With strange +pertinacity, the one memory remained with me,--her coming into the +room after she had tried to disguise her emotion by applying powder +to her face. At last these memories became so vivid as to equal a +second-sight. "There she is again," I said to myself; and in order to +pull myself together, I began talking to the driver, and asked him +whether he were married; whereupon he replied that without the old +woman at home, there would be no go, then said something I did not +hear, as I had caught sight of the Ploszow poplars in the distance. I +had not paid any heed to the time we had been on the road. + +At the sight of Ploszow I felt more troubled still, and my eagerness +increased. I tried to pay attention to outward things, changes that +had taken place during my absence, and look at the new buildings on +the road. I repeated to myself mechanically that the weather was very +fine, and the spring exceptionally early this year. And indeed, the +weather was magnificent; the morning air was crisp and transparent; +near the cottages the apple-trees, in full bloom, were scattering +their petals like snowflakes on the grass; it was like a long line of +pictures by the modern school of painters. Wherever the eye turned, +there was that luminous _plein-air_ in the midst of which moved the +figures of people working in the fields or near their cottages. I saw +it all, observed every detail; but, strange to say, I was not able to +take it in, or give myself up to it altogether. The impressions had +lost their absorbing power, and remained only on the surface of the +brain, the brain itself being full of other thoughts. In this state of +divided attention I approached Ploszow. + +Presently the cool air of the lime avenue fanned my face, and I saw +at the other end, far off, the windows of the house. The scattered, +futile thoughts hammered and knocked louder than ever at my brain. I +stopped the driver from going straight to the house, and dismissed +him, I do not know why, at the gate. Followed by his thanks, I went on +foot straight towards the veranda. I cannot explain to myself why I +felt so troubled, unless it was that within these well-known walls +something unknown was awaiting me, which was in close connection with +the tragic past. Crossing the courtyard, I felt such a weight upon my +chest that it obstructed my breath. "What the deuce is the matter with +me?" said I, inwardly. As I had dismissed the cab, nobody had heard me +coming. The hall was empty; I went in to the dining-room to wait until +the ladies came down. + +I knew they would come soon, as the table was laid for breakfast, +and the samovar, whispering and growling, was sending coils of steam +aloft. Again not the slightest detail escaped my notice. I observed +that the room was cool and comparatively dark, as the windows faced +the north. For a moment my attention was fixed on the three luminous +streaks the light from the windows made upon the polished floor. I +looked at the carved sideboard I remembered since a child, and then +recalled the conversation I had in this same room with Sniatynski, and +we looked through the window at his wife and Aniela, in fur boots, +coming from the hot-houses. + +At last a feeling of great solitude and sadness overcame me, and +I went close to the window to get more light and make further +observations in the garden. But all this did not restore my balance of +mind. The only real thought my mind was full of was that I should meet +her in a few minutes. There are people who out of fear are capable of +the most heroic deeds. With me it is different. Fear, uncertainty +of what may come next, rouses me to anger. This happened now. The +difference between the old Aniela and the present Pani Kromitzka +impressed itself upon me more forcibly than ever. "If you borrowed the +very moonbeams for your head-dress, if you were a hundred times +more beautiful than my fancy can paint, you would be as nothing to +me,--less than nothing, because an object of aversion." My anger rose +still, for I fancied that she would come to me in order to point out +my guilt, my wrong-doing; that she would be still desirable, but +unapproachable. "We shall see," I replied inwardly, under the vivid +impression that with this woman there was awaiting me a duel; a +struggle in which I should lose and gain at the same time,--lose the +haunting memories and regain peace. At that moment I felt the power to +overcome any obstacles, repulse any attack. + +Then the door opened quietly, and Aniela came in. + +At the sight of her I felt my brain in a whirl, and my finger-tips +grew icy cold. The being before me bore the name of Pani Kromitzka, +but had the sweet, hundred times beloved features and inexpressible +charm of the Aniela I had known. In the chaotic bewilderment of my +brain there was only one sound I heard distinctly: "Aniela! Aniela! +Aniela!" And she did not see me, or took me for somebody else as I +stood against the light. But when I drew nearer, she raised her eyes +and stood still as if turned into stone. I cannot even describe the +expression of sudden terror, confusion, emotion, and humility which +shone in her face. She had grown white to the lips, and I was afraid +she might faint. When I took her hand it felt as cold as ice. I had +expected anything but that. I thought she would let me know in some +way or other that she was Pani Kromitzka, but there was nothing of the +sort. She stood before me moved, frightened, my former little Aniela. +It was I who had made her unhappy,--I who was guilty, a hundred times +guilty; and at this moment she looked at me as if she herself asked +to be forgiven. The old love, contrition for the past, and pity +overwhelmed me to such a degree that I almost lost my head, and +thought I must take her into my arms, and soothe her with endearing +words, as one soothes a beloved being. I was so agitated by the +unexpected meeting, not with Pani Kromitzka, but Aniela, that I +could only press her hand in silence. And yet I felt obliged to say +something; therefore, pulling myself together, I said, as if in +somebody else's voice,-- + +"Did aunt not tell you I was coming?" + +"Yes; she told me," said Aniela, with an evident effort. + +And then we fell back into silence. I felt that I ought to ask after +her mother, and about herself, but could not force myself to do so. +I wished from my soul somebody would come and deliver us from this +position. Presently my aunt came in with the young Doctor Chwastowski, +the agent's son, who for a month past has had the care of Pani Celina. +Aniela slipped away to pour out the tea, and I began to talk with my +aunt. I had recovered my presence of mind entirely when we sat down to +breakfast. I began now to inquire after Pani Celina's health. My aunt, +telling me about her, appealed every moment to the doctor, who turned +to me with that peculiar shade of superciliousness with which a newly +patented scientist treats outsiders, and at the same time with the +watchfulness of a democrat who is afraid of slights where none are +intended. He appeared to me very conceited; and after all, I treated +him with far greater politeness than he exhibited towards me. This +amused me a little, and helped to keep my thoughts, which the sight +of Aniela confused, under control. From time to time I looked at her +across the table, and repeated to myself: "The same features, the same +little face, the same low brow shaded by a wealth of hair; it is the +same Aniela, almost a little girl, my love, my happiness; and now lost +to me forever." There was inexpressible sweetness in the sensation, +mingled with exquisite pain. Aniela, too, had recovered from her +emotion, but looked still frightened. I tried to draw her into +conversation, speaking about her mother. I was partly successful; she +seemed a little more at ease, and said,-- + +"Mamma will be very glad to see you." + +I permitted myself a doubt as far as her mother was concerned, but +listened to her voice with half-closed eyes; it was sweeter to me than +any music. + +We were conversing more freely every moment. My aunt was in excellent +spirits,--first, because of seeing me once more at Ploszow, and also +because she had seen Clara and got from her the promise of a concert. +When leaving the artist she had met two other ladies, patronesses of +charitable institutions, ascending the staircase bent on the same +errand. They were too late, and that had put her in a high good-humor. +She asked me a great many questions about Clara, who had made an +excellent impression upon her. Towards the end of breakfast, to +satisfy my aunt's curiosity, I had to say something about my travels. +She was amazed to hear I had been as far as Iceland, and asked what it +looked like; she then remarked,-- + +"One must be desperate to go to such places as that." + +"Yes; I did not feel very cheerful when I went." + +Aniela looked at me for a moment, and there was that hunted, +half-frightened expression in her eyes again. If she had put her hand +upon my naked heart she could not have given it a sharper pull. The +more I had prepared myself for an exhibition of triumphant coldness +and satisfaction at my disappointment, the more I felt crushed now by +that angelic compassion. All my calculations and foresight had been +put to naught. I supposed she could not help showing herself off as a +married woman. And now I had to remind myself that she was married; +but in the recollection there was no loathing, nothing but +inexpressible sorrow. + +It is in my nature that in every moral suffering I try to reopen my +wounds. I wanted to do that even now by speaking about her husband; +but I could not do it. It seemed to me cruel, almost a profanation. +Instead of that I said that I should like to see her mother, if she +were able to receive me. Aniela went to see, and presently came back +and said,-- + +"Mamma will be pleased to see you." + +We crossed to the other side of the house, my aunt going with us. I +wanted to say a kind word to Aniela so as to put her more at ease; but +my aunt was in the way; presently I thought it would be even better if +I said it within my aunt's hearing. Near the door, leading into Pani +Celina's rooms, I stopped and, turning to Aniela, said,-- + +"Give me your hand, my dear little sister." + +Aniela put her hand into mine; I saw her eyes lighting up with +gratitude for the words "little sister," and the pressure of her hand +seemed to say:-- + +"Oh! let us be friends! let us forgive each other!" + +"I hope you two will agree together," muttered my aunt. + +"We shall, we shall; he is so good!" replied Aniela. + +And truly, my heart was very full of good-will at that moment. + +Entering Pani Celina's room, I greeted her very cordially, but she +replied with a certain constraint, and I am sure she would have +received me with still greater coldness had she not feared to +offend my aunt. But I was not hurt by this; her resentment is quite +justifiable. Maybe, in her mind, she connects me with the loss of her +estate, and thinks all this would not have happened if I had acted +differently. I found her much changed. For some time she has been +confined to her invalid chair, on which they wheel her on fine days +into the garden. Her face, always delicate, looked as if moulded in +wax. There are still traces that show how beautiful she must have +been, and at the same time so unhappy. + +I asked after her health, and expressed the hope that, with the return +of the fine weather, she would soon recover her strength. She listened +with a sad smile, and shook her head; two tears rolled silently down +her face. + +Then, fixing her sad eyes upon me, she said,-- + +"You know Gluchow has been sold?" + +This evidently is the thought ever present,--her continual sorrow and +gnawing trouble. + +When Aniela heard the question she grew very red. It was a painful +blush, because a blush of shame and sorrow. + +"Yes, I have heard," I said quickly. "Perhaps it can be recovered; if +so, nothing is lost; and if not, you must submit to God's will." + +Aniela cast a grateful glance at me, and Pani Celina said,-- + +"I have lost all hope." + +It was not true; she still clung to the delusion that the estate might +be recovered. Her eyes looked hungrily at me, waiting for the words +which might confirm her secret hopes. I resolved to gratify her wish, +and said,-- + +"It seems to have been a case of necessity, and I do not see how any +one can be blamed for it. Yet there are no obstacles which cannot be +overcome where there is a will and adequate means. Sometimes it has +happened that a sale has been invalidated in law from some omission of +formality." + +By the bye, this was not strictly true; but I saw it was balm to +Pani Celina's sore heart. I had also stood up for Kromitzki, without +mentioning his name, which neither of the others had done in my +presence. + +To say the truth it was not generosity which prompted me, but rather a +desire to conciliate Aniela, and show myself before her in the light +of goodness and nobility. + +And Aniela was grateful; for, when we had left the room, she came out +to me, and, stretching out her hand, said,-- + +"Thank you for being so good to mamma." + +For all answer I raised her hand to my lips. + +My aunt too seemed touched by my goodness. I left her and, lighting a +cigar, went into the park for a quiet stroll to collect my thoughts +and impressions; but I met there the young doctor who was taking +his morning constitutional. As I wished to conciliate every one at +Ploszow, I went up to him, and asked him, with the special regard due +to science and authority, what he thought about Pani Celina's chances +of regaining her health. I saw that this flattered him a little, and +gradually he began to lose some of his democratic stiffness, and +enlarged upon the theme of Pani Celina's illness with the ready +eagerness of a young scientist who has had no time yet to doubt his +powers. In speaking, he used every now and then Latin expressions, as +if addressing a colleague. His strong, healthy frame, a certain power +of speech and eye impressed me favorably. I saw in him a type of that +new generation Sniatynski at one time had spoken of to me. Walking +along the avenues, we had one of the so-called intellectual +conversations, which consist a great deal in quoting names of books +and authors. Chwastowski is thoroughly acquainted with certain +subjects; but I have read more, and this seemed to astonish him not a +little. At moments he looked almost vexed, as if he considered it an +encroachment upon his own territory that I, an aristocrat, should know +so much about certain books and authors. But then again I won his +approbation by the liberality of my opinions. My liberality consists +merely in a kind of tolerance for other people's views, and looking +upon them without party feeling; and that from a man of my position +and wealth was sufficient to win over the young radical. At the end +of our conversation we felt towards each other as men do who have +understood each other, and agreed on many points. + +Most likely I shall be the exception of the rule as regards Doctor +Chwastowski. As in my country every nobleman has his particular Jew in +whom he believes,--though he dislikes the race in general,--so every +democrat has his aristocrat for whom he feels a special weakness. + +When going away I asked Doctor Chwastowski about his brothers. He said +that one of them had a brewery at Ploszow, which I knew already from +my aunt's letter; a second had a bookshop at Warsaw; and a third, +who had been at a mercantile school, had gone as assistant with Pan +Kromitzki to the East. + +"It is the brewer who has the best of it just now," he said; "but +we all work, and in time shall win good positions. It was lucky our +father lost his fortune; otherwise every one of us would sit on his +bit of land 'glebae adscripti,' and in the end lose it as my father +did." + +In spite of the preoccupation of my mind I listened with a certain +interest. "There are, then," I said to myself, "people that are neither +over-civilized nor steeped in ignorance. There are those that can do +something and thus form the intermediate, healthy link between decay +and barbarism." It is possible that this social strata mostly exists +in bigger towns, where it is continually recruited by the influx +of the sons of bankrupt noblemen, who adapt themselves to burgher +traditions of work, and bring to it strong nerves and muscles. I then +recalled what Sniatynski once said when I left him: "From such as you +nothing good can come; your fathers must first lose all they have, +else even your grandsons will not work." And here are Chwastowski's +sons who take to it, and push on in the world by help of their own +strong shoulders. I, too, perhaps, had I no fortune, should have to do +something, and should acquire that energy of decision in which I have +been wanting all my life. + +The doctor left me presently as he had another patient at Ploszow, a +young cleric from the Warsaw seminary, the son of one of the Ploszow +peasants. He is in the last stage of consumption. My aunt has given +him a room in one of the out-buildings, where she and Aniela look +after him. When I heard of this I went to pay him a visit, and +instead of the dying man I expected to see, I found a young, rather +thin-looking lad, but bright and full of life. The doctor says it +is the last flicker of the lamp. The young cleric was nursed by his +mother, who, upon seeing me, overwhelmed me with a shower of gratitude +copious enough to drown myself in. + +Aniela did not visit the sick man that day, but remained with her +mother. I saw her only at dinner, at which also the mother was present +in her invalid's chair. It is only natural that Aniela should devote +her time to her mother, and yet I fancy she does it partly to avoid +being alone with me. In time our mutual relations will establish +themselves upon an easier footing, but I quite understand that at +first it will be a little awkward. Aniela has so much intelligence of +heart, so much goodness and sensibility, that she cannot look upon our +present position with indifference, and has not worldly experience +enough to preserve an appearance of ease. This practice comes with +later years, when the live spring of feelings begins to dry up and the +mind acquires a certain conventionality. + +I had let Aniela see there was no resentment in my heart towards her, +and I shall not allude even to the past, and for that reason did not +try to see her alone. In the evening during tea we discussed general +topics. My aunt questioned me about Clara, who interests her very +much. I told her all I knew about her, and from that we drifted into +conversation about artists generally. My aunt looks upon them as +people sent into the world by kind Providence to give performances for +the benefit of charitable institutions. I maintained that artists, +provided their hearts were pure and not filled with vanity and love of +self, might be the happiest creatures in the world, as they are always +in contact with something infinite and absolutely perfect. From life +comes all evil, from art only happiness. This was, indeed, my point of +view, supported by observation. Aniela agreed with me, and if I took +note of the conversation it is because I was struck by a remark of +Aniela's, simple in itself, but to me full of meaning. When we spoke +about the contentment arising from art she said: "Music is a great +consoler." + +I saw in this involuntary confession that she is unhappy, and is +conscious of it. Besides, in regard to that, I never had any doubts. +Even the face is not the face of a happy woman. If anything, it is +more beautiful than before,--apparently calm, even serene; but there +is none of that light which springs from inward happiness, and there +is a certain preoccupation that was not there formerly. In the course +of the day I noticed that her temples have a slight yellow tint like +that of ivory. I looked at her with an ever renewed delight, comparing +her to the Aniela of the past. I could not get enough of this +exchange of memories with reality. There is something so irresistibly +attractive in Aniela that had I never seen her before, if she were +among thousands of beautiful women and I were told to choose, I should +go straight to her and say: "This one and no other." She answers +so exactly to the feminine prototype every man carries in his +imagination. I fancy she must have noticed that I watched and admired +her. + +I left at dusk. I was so shaken by the sensations of the day, so +utterly different from all my preconceived ideas, that I had lost the +power of dissecting my thoughts. I expected to find Pani Kromitska, +and found Aniela; I put it down once more. God only knows what will +be the consequence of this for us both. When I think of it I have the +sensation of a great happiness, and also a slight disappointment. And +yet I was right, theoretically, in expecting those psychical changes +which necessarily take place in a woman after she is married, and I +might easily be led to think she would show in some way that she was +glad she had not chosen me. There is not another woman who would have +denied herself that satisfaction of vanity. And as I know myself, my +sensitiveness and my nerves, I could take my oath on it, that if such +had been the case I should have been now full of bitterness, anger, +and sarcasm,--but cured. In the mean while, things have fallen +out differently,--altogether differently. She is a being of such +unfathomable goodness and simplicity that the measure I have for +goodness is not large enough for her. + +What will happen next, what will happen to me or to her, I cannot say. +My life might have run on quietly towards that ocean where all life is +absorbed,--now it may run like a cataract down to a precipice. Let it +be so. At the worst I can only be a little more unhappy, that is +all. Until now I have not been lying on a bed of roses, with that +consciousness of my useless life continually before me. + +I do not remember; somebody, was it my father? said that there must +always be something growing within us, that such is the law of +nature. It is true. Even in the desert the forces of life hidden in +the depth bring forth palms in the oasis. + + +21 April. + +I live nominally at Warsaw, but have spent four consecutive days at +Ploszow. Pani Celina is better, but the cleric Latyzs died the day +before yesterday. Doctor Chwastowski says it was a splendid case of +pulmonary consumption, and with difficulty conceals his satisfaction +that he foretold the exact course of the disease up to the last hour. +We had been to see the young man twelve hours before he died. He was +quite merry with us, and full of hope because the fever had left him, +which was only a sign of weakness. Yesterday, when sitting with Aniela +on the veranda, the cleric's mother came up to tell us about his +death, in her own quaint way, in which sorrow blended with quiet +submission to the inevitable. In my pity for her, there was a great +deal of curiosity, for up to now I had not much occasion to see +anything of the inner life of the peasants. What quaint expressions +they use! I tried to remember her words in order to note them down. + +She embraced my knees, then Aniela's, after which she put the outside +of her hands over her eyes, and began to wail: "O little Jesus, +dear--O Maria, holiest of Virgins! He is dead, my poor lamb, dead! He +was eager to see the Lord face to face; more eager than to stop with +his little father and mother! Nothing could hold him back, not even +the ladies' cares! Wine he had in plenty, and good food, and that +could not save him; O little Jesus, dear! O holiest of Virgins! O +Jesus mine!" + +In her voice there was certainly a mother's sorrow! but what struck me +most was the modulation of the voice, as if set to some local music. I +never heard before the peasants lament their dead, but I am quite +sure they all do it in more or less the same way, as if according to +certain rules. + +Tears were trembling on Aniela's eyelashes, and with that peculiar +goodness only women are capable of, she began to inquire into the +details of his death, guessing that it would soothe the poor woman to +speak about it. + +And in fact she began at once most eagerly:-- + +"When the priest had left him I said thus: 'Whether you die or not is +in God's hands! You are nicely prepared now, so lay ye down and go to +sleep.' Says he: 'Very well, little mother,' and fell in a doze, and +I too; as, not reproaching the Lord with it, I had not had a proper +sleep for three nights. At the first crow my old man comes in and +wakes me; thus we were both sitting there, and he still asleep. I says +to the old man: 'Is he gone?' and he says, 'Happen and he is gone.' I +pulled him by the hand; he opened his eyes and said: 'I feel better +now.' Then he remained quite still for about five _paters_ and _aves_, +and smiled toward the ceiling. This made me angry, and I says: 'Oh, +you good-for-nothing, how can you laugh at my misery? But he only +smiled at death, not at my misery, for he began breathing very hard, +and that was all he did until the sun rose." + +She began moaning again, and then invited us to come and see the body, +as he was dressed already, and looked as beautiful as a picture. +Aniela wanted to go at once, but I held her back; besides, the woman +had already forgotten all about it, and began now lamenting her +poverty. Her husband, it seems, had been a well-to-do peasant +proprietor, but they had spent every bit of money upon their son's +education. Acre after acre had been bought by the neighbors, and at +present they had nothing but the hut,--no land whatever. One thousand +two hundred roubles he had cost them. They had hoped to find a shelter +for their old age with him at a parsonage, and now God had taken him. +The old woman declared, with all the stoicism of the peasant, that +they had already made their plans, and would go a begging. She seemed +not afraid of it, and spoke of it with a kind of half-concealed +satisfaction. She was only afraid the community might raise +difficulties about the certificate, which, for some reason unknown +to me, seemed to be necessary for the new profession. Hundreds of +realistic details mingled with the calling upon the Lord Jesus, the +Holy Virgin, and laments over the dead son. Aniela went into the +house, and returned presently with some money for the woman. I +arrested her hand; another idea, I thought good at the time, had +crossed my mind. + +"So you spent a thousand two hundred roubles on your son?" I said to +the woman. + +"That's so, please the gracious Pan. We thought when he got his church +we would go and live with him. The Almighty willed it otherwise; no +church for us now, but the church door" (place where beggars sit). + +"I will give you the thousand two hundred roubles; you can buy some +land if you like, and start fresh again." + +I should have given it at once, but had not enough money by me; I +intended to take it from my aunt, and told the woman to come back for +it in an hour. She stared at me with wide-open eyes, without saying a +word, and then with a cry fell down at my feet. But I got rid of her +and her gratitude very soon, as she was in a hurry to be off to tell +her husband the good news. + +I remained alone with Aniela, who seemed moved deeply, and who +repeated:-- + +"How good you are! how good you are!" + +"There is not much goodness in it," I said in a careless manner. "I +did not do it for these people I have seen for the first time in my +life. I did it because you care for them,--to please you." It was +true; they did not interest me more than any other people would in +the same position, but I would have given ten times as much to please +Aniela. I said it on purpose, as words like these said to a woman +carry a deep meaning. It is almost the same as if I told her, "I would +do anything for you, because you are everything to me." And, moreover, +no woman can defend herself against a tacit confession such as this, +or has any right to be offended. I had disguised the meaning, treating +it as the most natural thing in the world; but Aniela perceived the +drift, and lowering her eyes in evident confusion, said: "I must go +back now to mamma," and left me alone. + +I am quite aware that in acting thus I introduce a disturbing element +into Aniela's soul. I perceive, too, with surprise, that if, on the +one hand, my conscience cries out against this wilful destroying of +the peace of the one being for whom I would give my life, on the other +hand, it causes me a savage delight, as if thereby I satisfied man's +innate instinct of destruction. I have also the conviction that no +consciousness of evil, or sting of conscience, will stop me. I am too +headstrong to let anything stand in my way, especially in presence of +that powerful, inexpressible spell she has cast upon me. I am now as +that Indian who threw away his oar, and gave himself up to fate. I +do not reflect now that it was my fault, that all might have been so +different, and that I had only to stretch out my hand to secure +the happiness I am now yearning for in vain. But it could not be +otherwise. I have come to the conclusion that generations which had +lost all vital power, have made me what I am; that nothing remains but +to cast away the oars and let myself drift with the current. + +This morning we three--my aunt, Aniela, and I--went to the funeral of +the young cleric. + +It was a strange sight, this village procession headed by the priest, +the coffin on a cart, followed by a crowd of peasants, men and women +who were singing a tune sad and weird as if set to some Chaldean +music. At the furthest end, the men and women were talking to each +other in a drawling, half-sleepy way. Going along, among the rowan +trees, the procession came now and then into the glare of the sun, and +then the kerchiefs flashed into flames of blue, and red, and yellow, +which but for the coffin and the incense of juniper berries, made the +procession rather look like a wedding than a funeral. Death does not +seem to make much impression upon the rustic mind; perhaps they regard +it in the light of an everlasting holiday. As we stood by the open +grave, I noticed their faces following the ceremony with concentrated +attention and curiosity; but I saw no trace of thoughtfulness or +reflection at the inexorable end, after which begins the great, +terrible Unknown. + +I looked at Aniela as she stooped for a handful of soil to throw upon +the lowered coffin. She was paler than usual, and with the sun shining +upon her I could read the transparent features as an open book. I was +certain she was thinking of her own death. To me it seemed simply +monstrous, a horrible improbability, that this face so full of +expression, so full of life and charming individuality, should at some +time be stony white and remain in eternal darkness. + +And as if a sudden frost had nipped all my thoughts, I grew suddenly +conscious that the first ceremony I assisted at with Aniela was a +funeral. As a person in long sickness, having lost faith in medicine, +turns to quack doctors and wise women, so the sick soul, doubting +everything, still clings to certain superstitions. + +Probably no one is so near the gulf of mysticism as the absolute +sceptic. Those who have lost faith in religious and sociological +ideals, those whose belief in the power of science and the human +intellect is shaken, that whole mass of highly cultured people, +uncertain of their way, deprived of all dogmas, hopelessly struggling +in the dark, drift more and more towards mysticism. It seems to spring +up everywhere,--the usual reaction of a society whose life is based +upon positivism, the overthrow of ideals, empty pleasures, and +soulless striving after gain. The human spirit begins to burst its +shell, which is too narrow, too much like a stock exchange. One epoch +draws to an end, and then appears a simultaneous evolution in all +directions. It has struck me often with amazement that, for instance, +the more recent great writers seem not to know how very close upon +mysticism they are. Some of them are conscious of it, and confess so +openly. In every book I opened lately, I found, not the human soul, +will, and personal passions, but merely fatal forces with all +the characteristics of terrible beings, independent of personal +manifestations, living alone within themselves, like Goethe's +"Mother." + +As regards myself, I too come near the brink. I see it and am not +afraid. The abyss attracts; personally it attracts me so much that if +I could I would go to the very bottom, and will some time when I am +able. + + +28 April. + +I intoxicate myself with the life at Ploszow, the daily sight of +Aniela, and forget that she belongs to somebody else. Kromitzki, who +is somewhere at Baku, or further still, appears to me as something +unreal, a being deprived of real existence, something bad that might +come down upon us, as for instance, death, but of which one does not +think continually. But yesterday something happened to bring him +before my mind. It was a small and apparently most natural incident. +Aniela received at breakfast two letters. My aunt asked whether they +were from her husband, and she replied, "Yes." Hearing that, I felt +the sensation a condemned man may feel when they rouse him from +a sweet dream in order to tell him to have his hair cut for the +guillotine. I saw my whole misfortune more distinctly than ever +before, and the sensation remained with me the whole day, especially +as my aunt, quite unconsciously, of course, was bent upon torturing me +further. Aniela wanted to put off the reading of the letters, but +my aunt insisted upon her opening them, and presently inquired how +Kromitzki was. + +"Thank you, aunty, he is very well." + +"And how are his affairs going on?" + +"Thank God! he writes that everything prospers beyond expectation." + +"When does he think of coming back?" + +"He says as soon as he can possibly manage." + +And I, with my sensitiveness, had to listen to these questions and +answers. If my aunt and Aniela had started unexpectedly a quite +improbable cynical conversation it could not have shocked me more. +The first time since my arrival at Ploszow I felt something like +resentment towards Aniela. "Have a little mercy at least, and do not +speak of that man in my presence; do not return thanks for being asked +after him, and say 'Thank God!' because he is prosperous," I thought. +In the mean time she had opened the second letter, and looking at the +date, said: "It has been written at an earlier date;" then began +to read. I looked at the bowed head, the parting of the hair, the +drooping lashes--and it seemed to me that the reading lasted very +long. I thought what a world of mutual interests and aims bound these +two together, and that for some indispensable reason they must feel +that they belonged to each other. I felt that I had no part in it, and +that by force of circumstances I should always be outside her life +even if I won her love. Up to now I had felt the depth of my misery +as one sees the depth of a precipice veiled by clouds. Now the mist +lifted, I looked down and comprehended its whole extent. + +My nature is so constituted that under great pressure it resists. Up +to the present my love had not dared to ask for anything, but at this +moment hatred began to clamor loudly for the abolition of merciless +laws, those ties and bondages. Aniela did not read many minutes, but +during that time I ran through a whole gamut of tortures, because +other thoughts relating to my self-analysis and criticism were +haunting me. I said to myself that the agitation, the very bitterness +I felt, were nothing but the ridiculous characteristics of female +ill-humor. How is it possible to live with nerves such as mine? If +such a simple thing as a letter from the husband to his wife makes you +lose your balance, what will happen when he himself comes to claim +her? + +I said to myself: "I will kill him!" and at the same time I felt the +ridiculousness and folly of the answer. + +Aniela having finished her letters noticed at once that something was +amiss, and looked at me with troubled eyes. Hers is one of those sweet +dispositions that cannot bear to see unfriendly faces, or live in an +atmosphere of cold displeasure. This springs from a great tenderness +of heart. I remember how uneasy she used to be when first she +witnessed the disputes between my aunt and Chwastowzki. Now she was +evidently ill at ease. She began to speak about the concert and Clara, +but her eyes seemed to say: "What have I done, what is the matter with +you?" I merely replied by a cold glance, not being able to forgive her +either the letters or her conversation with my aunt. After breakfast I +rose at once and said I was obliged to go back to Warsaw. + +My aunt wanted me to stop to dinner; after which, according to our +agreement, we were to start together for the concert. But I pleaded +some business; the truth was I wanted to be alone. I gave orders for +the carriage to be ready, and then my aunt remarked:-- + +"I should like to show some gratitude to Miss Hilst, and thought of +inviting her to Ploszow for the day." + +Evidently my aunt considers an invitation to Ploszow such a great +reward that she doubted whether it would not be out of all proportion. + +After a moment's pause she began again:-- + +"If I were quite sure that she is of a proper standing." + +"Miss Hilst is a personal friend of the queen of Roumania," I +replied, a little impatiently; "and if there be any honor, it will be +altogether on our side." + +"Well, well," muttered my aunt. + +"You will come with us to the concert?" I said, turning to Aniela. + +"I am afraid not. I shall have to remain with mamma; and besides, I +have some letters to write." + +"Oh! if it is a question of wifely tenderness I will not insist." + +This ironical remark gave me a momentary relief. "Let her be aware +that I am jealous," I thought; "she herself, her mother, and my aunt +belong to those women of the angelic kind, who do not believe there +can be any evil in the world. Let her understand that I love her, +become familiar with the thought, troubled by it, and fight it. To +bring into her soul a strange, decomposing element, a ferment like +this, is half the battle. We shall see what will happen afterwards." + +It was a momentary but great relief, and very much like a wicked +delight. But presently, when alone in the carriage, I felt angry with +myself and disgusted,--disgusted because I became conscious of the +littleness of all I had thought and felt, based as it was upon +overstrung and fanciful nerves worthy an hysterical woman, not a man. +It was a heavy journey, far heavier than the one when after my return +from abroad I went the first time to Ploszow. I was reflecting upon +that terrible incapacity for life which casts its shadow upon my +existence and the existence of those like me, and came to the +conclusion that its main source is the feminine element which +predominates in our character. I do not mean by this that we are +physically effeminate or wanting in manly courage. No! it is something +quite different. Courage and daring we are not deficient in; but as +regards psychical elements, every one of us is a she, not a he. There +is in, us a lack of the synthetic faculty which distinguishes +things that are important from those that are not. The least matter +discourages, hurts, and repulses us; in consequence of which we +sacrifice very great things for small ones. My past is a proof +thereof. I sacrificed inexpressible happiness, my future and the +future of the beloved woman, because I had read in my aunt's letter +that Kromitzki wished to marry her. My nerves took the bit between +their teeth, and carried me where I did not wish to go. This was +nothing but a disease of the will. But it is a feminine disease, not +a masculine one. Is it to be wondered at that I act as an hysterical +woman? It is a misfortune I brought with me into the world, to which +whole generations have contributed their share, as also the conditions +of life in which we exist. + +The shaking myself thus free from all responsibility did not give me +any relief. When I arrived at Warsaw I intended to call upon Clara, +but was prevented by a severe headache; which got better towards +evening before my aunt came up. + +She found me already dressed, and we drove together to the concert, +which was a great success. Clara's fame had attracted the whole +musical and intelligent world, and the charitable purpose the +aristocratic circles. I saw many people there I knew, among them +Sniatynski and his wife. The concert room was crowded. But I was out +of humor, and everything irritated me. I do not know why, but I felt +afraid Clara's performance would be a failure. When she appeared on +the platform a programme clung to the folds of her dress; I thought it +would make her appear ridiculous. She herself in full evening dress +seemed to me more like a stranger than a friend. I involuntarily asked +myself whether it was the same Clara I was so intimate with. When +the hearty applause had ceased she sat down to the piano, and I +acknowledged to myself that she had a noble and artistic presence, +full of simplicity and quite free of any affectation. On all +faces there was the concentrated attention of people who have no +understanding of art, but like to pass for connoisseurs and judges. +She played Mendelssohn's concerto, which I know by heart,--but whether +it was the thought that much was expected from her, or that the +unusually enthusiastic reception had moved her, she played worse +than I had ever heard her. I was sorry for it and looked at her with +astonishment; our eyes met for a moment. The expression of my face put +the final touch to her confusion, and I heard a few dim notes without +force or expression. I was quite sure now she would fail. Never had +the piano, with its lack of continuity, its sound smothered by the +acoustic properties of the room, seemed to me a more miserable +instrument. At times it seemed as if I heard the sharp, staccato +sounds of a harp. Presently Clara recovered her self-possession, but +upon the whole I thought she had played but indifferently. I was very +much surprised indeed when after she had finished there rose such a +storm of applause as I had not heard even in Paris, where Clara was +received with exceptional enthusiasm. During the short pause, amateurs +and professionals began discussing the music, and in their animated +faces I read perfect satisfaction. The cheering lasted until Clara +reappeared on the platform. She stepped forth with downcast eyes, and +I who could read her face saw what she wanted to express: "You are +very kind, and I thank you for it; but it was not good and I feel +inclined to cry." I too had applauded with the rest, for which I +received a passing glance full of reproach. Clara loves her art too +much to be gratified by undeserved applause. I felt sorry for her, and +should have liked to say a few encouraging words, but the continued +cheering did not permit her to leave the platform. She sat down again +and played Beethoven's Sonata in cis-moll, which was not on the +programme. There is, I believe, no composition in the whole world that +shows with the same distinctness the soul torn by tragic conflict; +especially in the third part of the Sonata, the _Presto-agitato_. The +music evidently responded to the tune of Clara's soul, and certainly +harmonized with my own disposition, for never had I heard Beethoven +interpreted and understood like this before. I am not a musician, but +I suppose even musicians do not know how much there is in that Sonata. +I cannot find another word than "oppressiveness" to describe the +sensation wrought upon the audience. One had a feeling as if mystical +rites were being performed; there rose before me a vast desert, not of +this world, weird and unutterably sad, without shape, half lit up by a +ghostly moon, in the midst of which hopeless despair waited and +sobbed and tore its hair. It was terrible and impressive because so +unearthly; and yet irresistibly attractive,--never had my spirit +come in such close proximity to the infinite. It was almost an +hallucination. I imagined that in the shapeless desert, in the dusk of +a world of shadows, I was searching for somebody dearer to me than the +whole world, one without whom I could not and would not live, and I +searched with the conviction that I should have to search forever and +never find what I was looking for. My heart was so oppressed that at +times I could scarcely breathe. I paid no attention to the mechanical +part of the execution, which no doubt was as perfect as the +expression. + +All in the room seemed under the same spell, not excepting Clara +herself. + +When she left off playing she remained for a moment with uplifted head +and eyes, lips slightly parted, and face very pale. And it was not +a mere concert effect, it was real inspiration and forgetfulness of +self. + +There was a great hush in that crowd, as if they expected something, +or were benumbed by sorrow, or tried to catch the last echo of sobbing +despair, carried away by a wind from the other world. + +Presently there happened what probably never happened in a concert +room before. A great tumult arose, and such an outcry as if a +catastrophe were threatening the whole audience. Several musicians +and reporters approached the platform. I saw their heads bowed over +Clara's hands, she had tears on her eyelashes, her face looked still +inspired, but calm and serene. I went with the others to press her +hands. + +From the first moment of our acquaintance Clara had always addressed +me in French; now for the first time, returning the pressure of my +hand, she said in German: + +"Haben Sie mich verstanden?" + +"Ja," I replied, "und ich war sehr ungluecklich!" And it was true. + +The continuation of the concert was one great triumph. After the +performance Sniatynski and his wife carried Clara off to their house. +I had no wish to go there. When I reached home, I felt so tired that +without undressing I threw myself upon the sofa, and remained there an +hour without moving, yet not asleep. + +After a long time I became conscious that I had been thinking about +the young cleric's funeral, Aniela, and death. I rung for lights, and +then began to write. + + +29 April. + +Kromitzki's letters have stirred me to such a degree that I cannot +get over the impression. My unreasonable resentment towards Aniela is +passing, and the more I feel how undeserved was my harshness, the more +contrite I become, and the more tenderly I think of her. Yet more +clearly than ever I see how these two are bound by the power of a +simple fact. Since yesterday I have been in the clutches of these +thoughts, and that is the reason I did not go to Ploszow. There I +am obliged to keep watch upon myself and to put on an appearance +of calmness, and at present I could not do it. Everything within +me--thoughts, feelings, nerves--has risen up in revolt against what +has been done. I do not know whether there can be a more desperate +state of mind than when we do not agree with something, protest with +every fibre of heart and brain, and at the same time feel powerless +in presence of an accomplished fact. I understand that this is only a +foretaste of what is awaiting me in the future. There is nothing to be +done,--nothing. She is married, is Pani Kromitzka; she belongs to him, +will always belong to him; and I who cannot consent, for to do so +would mean losing my own self, am obliged to consent. I might as well +protest against the earth turning round as against that other law +which bids a woman stand by her husband. Does this mean that I ought +to respect that law? How can I submit when my whole being cries out +against it? At moments I feel inclined to go away, but I understand +perfectly that beyond this woman the world has for me as much meaning +as death,--that is, nothingness; moreover, I know beforehand that I +shall not go, because I could not muster strength enough to do so. +Sometimes I have thought that human misery goes far beyond human +imagination,--imagination has its limits, and misery, like the vast +seas, appears to be without end. It seems to me that I am floating on +those seas. But no,--there is still something for me to do. + +I read once, in Amiel's memoirs, that the deed is only the +crystallized matter of thought. But thoughts may remain in the +abstract,--not so feelings. Theoretically I was conscious of it +before; it is only now I have come to prove it actually on myself. +From the time of my arrival at Ploszow until now, I have never clearly +and distinctly said to myself that I wanted to win Aniela's love, but +it was merely a question of words. In reality I know that I wanted +her, and want her still. Every look of mine, every word, and all my +actions are tending that way. Affection which does not include desire +and action is a mere shadow. Let it be understood,--I want her. I want +to be for Aniela the most beloved being, as she is to me. I want to +win her love, all her thoughts, her soul; and I do not intend to put +any limit to my desires. I shall do everything my heart dictates, and +use all means my intelligence sees most efficient to win her. I shall +take from Kromitzki as much of Aniela as I can; I shall take her from +him altogether if she be willing. In this way I shall have an aim in +life; shall know why I wake up in the morning, take nourishment during +the day, and recuperate myself in sleep. I shall not be happy; for I +could be happy only if she were exclusively my own, and I could crush +the man who had her before me. But I shall have something at least to +live for. It will be my salvation. And this is not a resolution taken +upon the spur of the moment; it is only a translation into words of +all the forces that work within me,--the will and the desires which +belong to the feeling and make an indivisible part of it. + +I throw all my scruples to the winds. Even the fear that Aniela might +be unhappy loving me must give way before the great truth, great +as the universe, that the presence of Love fills the life; gives +sustenance to it, and is a hundred thousand times worth more than +emptiness and nothingness of existence. + +Thousands of years ago it was known to the world that virtue and +righteousness alone give power to life; that emptiness and nothingness +dwell in the realm of evil. The moment when that dear head rests on my +breast, when the beloved lips meet mine, truth and goodness will be +with us. In the midst of doubts which crowd my brain, that one truth +shines clearly,--of this I can say I believe in it. At last I have +found something certain in life. I know perfectly what a gulf there is +between my belief and the small conventional moralities created for +every-day use. I know that to Aniela it will be a strange, fearsome +world; but I will take her by the hand and lead her there, because +I can tell her with sincere conviction that there are truth and +goodness. + +I find great solace in these thoughts. The greater part of the day +passed miserably enough, because of the consciousness of my impotency +to overcome the obstacles that stand in our, mine and Aniela's, way. +The thought crossed my mind: "Suppose, after all, she loves her +husband?" + +Fortunately for me, a visit from Doctor Chwastowski interrupted my +train of thoughts. He had come from Ploszow to consult with one of the +physicians who at some time had attended Pani Celina. Before going +back he had come to see me. He said Pani Celina was still neither +better nor worse, but Pani Kromitzka was confined to her room with a +severe headache. Then he began to speak about Aniela, and I listened +with pleasure, as it seemed in some way to make up for the loss of +seeing her. He spoke intelligently enough, for a young man of so +little experience. He said he had made it a rule to look mistrustingly +upon mankind in general, not because he thought it the right point +of view, but because it was the safest. As to Pani Kromitzka, he was +quite sure hers was a nature of exceptional goodness and nobility. +He spoke of her with a scarcely disguised enthusiasm, and I had some +suspicion he felt more than admiration for her. But this did not +trouble me in the least; there is too great a distance between her and +this young medical student. On the contrary, I felt pleased that +he appreciated her, and asked him to stop as long as he could; his +presence did me good, as it kept me from thinking. + +In the course of our conversation I asked about his plans for the +future. He replied that first he must save some money in order to go +abroad and see something of foreign hospitals; afterwards he intended +to settle at Warsaw. + +"What do you understand by settling at Warsaw?" + +"Work at some of the hospitals, and a possible practice." + +"And then you will get married, I suppose?" + +"I suppose so; but there is plenty of time for that." + +"Unless you meet somebody that subjugates your will; as a doctor you +know that love is a physiological necessity." + +Young Chwastowski wants to show himself off as a sober-minded man +above human weaknesses; so he only shrugged his broad shoulders, +smoothed his short-cropped head, and said: "I acknowledge the +necessity; but do not intend to allow it to occupy too large a space +in my life." + +He looked very knowing, but I replied gravely: "Considering somewhat +deeper the question of feeling, who knows whether it be worth while to +live for anything else?" + +Chwastowski pondered over this a little while. + +"No," he said, "I do not agree with you. There are many other objects +in life,--for instance, science, or even social duties. I do not say +anything against matrimony; a man ought to marry for himself as +well as to have children. But matrimony is one thing, and continual +love-making another." + +"What is the difference between them?" + +"The difference is obvious, sir. We are like ants constructing an +ant-hill. We have our work to do, and not much time to spare for love +and women. That is all very well for those who cannot work, or who do +not want to do anything." + +Saying this he looked like a man who speaks in the name of all that is +strongest in the country, and expresses himself well. I looked with +a certain satisfaction at this healthy specimen of mankind, and +acknowledged that, except for a certain touch of youthful arrogance, +he spoke very sensibly. + +It is quite true that woman and love do not occupy a large space in +the life of those who work, and those who have before them great +undertakings and serious aims. The peasant marries because such is the +custom, and he wants a housekeeper. There is very little sentiment in +him, although poets and novelists want us to believe the contrary. The +man of science, the statesman, the leader, the politician devote only +a small part of their life to woman. Artists are exceptional. Their +profession brings them in touch with love, for art exists through love +and woman. Generally, it is only in rich communities that woman reigns +supreme and fills the life of those who have no serious work in hand. +She encompasses all their thoughts, becomes the leading motive of +their actions, and the exclusive aim of their exertions. And it cannot +be otherwise. There is myself for instance. The community to which +I belong is not as rich as others, but personally I am rich. These +riches prevented me from doing anything, and I have no fixed aim in +life. It might be different had I been born an Englishman or a German, +and not been handicapped by that _improductivite Slave_. No one of the +compound active principles of civilization attracts me or fills up the +void, for the simple reason that civilization is faint and permeated +with scepticism. If it feels its end is drawing near and doubts +itself, why should I believe in it and devote to it my life? Generally +speaking, I live as if in mid air, with no firm hold upon the earth. +If my disposition were cold and dry, if I were dull of mind or merely +sensuous, I could have limited my life to mere vegetation or animal +enjoyment. But it happened otherwise. I brought with me into the world +a bright intellect, a luxuriant organism, and vital powers of no mean +degree. These forces had to find an outlet, and they could find it +only in the love for a woman. There remained nothing else for me. My +whole misfortune is that, as a child of a diseased civilization, I +grew up crooked; therefore love, too, came to me crooked. + +Simplicity of mind would have given me happiness, but what is the use +to speak of it? The hunchback, too, would be glad to get rid of his +hump, but he cannot, because hump-backed he came from his mother's +womb. My hump was caused by the abnormal state of civilization that +brought me into the world. But straight or crooked, I must love, and I +will. + + +4 May. + +My reason is now altogether subservient to feeling, and is, in truth, +like the driver who passively clings to his box, and can do nothing +but watch whether the vehicle will go to pieces. I went back to +Ploszow a few days ago, and all I say and all I do are only the +tactics of love. He is a clever doctor--is Chwastowski--to prescribe +for Aniela exercise in the park. I found her there this morning. There +are moments when the feeling in my heart--though I am always conscious +of it--manifests itself with such extraordinary power that it almost +frightens me by its magnitude. Such a moment I had to-day, when at a +sudden turn of the road I met Aniela. Never had she appeared to me +more beautiful, more desirable, and more as if she were my own. This +is exactly the only woman in the world who by virtue of certain +natural forces, scarcely known by name, was to attract me, as the +magnet attracts iron, to reign over me, to attach me to her, and +become the aim and completion of my life. Her voice, her shape, her +glances intoxicate me. To-day, when I thus unexpectedly met her, I +thought it was not only her personal charm she carried with her, but +the charm of that early morning, that spring and serene weather, the +joy of all the birds and plants,--in fact, she seemed to be more an +incarnation of beauty and nature than a woman. And it struck me then +that, if nature had created her thus that she should react upon me +more than upon any other man, nature had meant her to be mine, and +that my right had been trodden under foot by this marriage. Who knows +whether all the crookedness of the world does not spring from the +non-fulfilment of certain laws, and whether that be not the cause of +the imperfectness of life? + +They are wrong who say that love is blind. On the contrary, +nothing--not the smallest detail--escapes its eyes; it sees everything +in the beloved being, notices everything; but melts it all in one +flame in the great and simple "I love." When I came close to Aniela, I +noticed that her eyes were brilliant as if from recent slumber; that +on her face and the light print dress fell the golden rays of the +morning sun filtering through the young leaves; her hair was tied in +a loose knot, and the flowing morning dress showed the outline of her +shoulders and supple waist, and in its very carelessness had a certain +freshness, which enhanced a thousandfold her charm. It did not escape +my notice how much smaller than usual she looked among the tall elm +trees of the avenue,--almost a child; in brief, nothing escaped me, +but all my observations changed into the rapture of one who loves +deliriously. She returned my morning greeting with some confusion. For +the last few days she seems afraid of me, for I hypnotize her with +every glance and word. Her peace of thought is already disturbed, and +the ferment has entered her soul. She cannot help seeing I love her, +but does not own it, not even to herself. Sometimes I have a +sensation as if I were holding a bird in my hand, and heard its heart +palpitating under my fingers. We walked together in embarrassed +silence, which I did not care to interrupt. I know this uneasiness is +oppressive to her; but it renders her my accomplice, and brings me +nearer to the end. In the silence which surrounded us not a sound +was audible but the crunching of the gravel under our feet, and the +whistling of the golden orioles, which are plentiful in the park. I +started at last a conversation. I directed it to suit my plans, for +however much my mind is closed against influences that have no bearing +upon my feeling, within their sphere I have a well-nigh redoubled +presence of mind,--an acuteness of perception, as have those plunged +into a hypnotic trance, and in a given direction see more clearly +than people in their normal state. We passed speedily on to personal +topics. I spoke about myself in the confidential tone in which one +speaks to those nearest, who alone have the right to know everything. +There sprung up between us a whole world of mutual understanding and +thoughts, common to us both. Since such a bond ought to exist by +virtue of marriage,--between her and her husband,--I was leading +her towards spiritual faithlessness by such gradual steps that she +scarcely could be aware of it. + +Nevertheless, the subtle nature perceived the drift. But I had taken +her by the hand, and led her; yet while leading, I felt a moral +resistance. I was fully aware the resistance would grow stronger if I +pushed much farther, and she perceived the danger. But I saw too that +I was gaining ground, and that step by step I could lead her where I +wanted. + +In the meantime I spoke on purpose about the past. + +"Do you remember," I said, "how in the days gone by--those happier +days--you asked me why I did not remain in the country, and turn my +abilities to some use. It was when I came home late, and you were +sitting up for me. I cannot tell you even what power you had over +me. I could not then begin to work, I had to go away; then came my +father's death. But I never forgot those words. I have come back now +to live and to work at home, and if I ever achieve anything it will be +owing to you,--your influence will be the source of my achievement." + +There ensued a momentary silence between us, broken only by the +whistling of the orioles. Aniela was evidently searching for a reply, +and at last said,-- + +"I cannot believe that a man like you should not be able to find a +more weighty inducement. You know very well it is your duty, and what +is past is past, and now everything is changed." + +"I am not so sure of that," I replied. "Perhaps, when once I start, I +shall find in the work itself some pleasure and encouragement. But +a man like me, who, in spite of what you are saying about duty, has +never been, fully conscious of it, must have some personal reason for +changing the whole tenor of his life; and the more he is unhappy, the +more he wants that personal inducement. Why should I tell you what is +not true? I am not happy. The consciousness of duty is a beautiful +thing, no doubt; but unfortunately I do not have it. You, who are so +much better, nobler than I, could have taught it me; but it was fated +otherwise. But even now, if only for the sake of those times when you +wanted me to do something, I can do it still if you will help me." + +Aniela hastened her steps, as if she wanted to return home, and said +almost in a whisper,-- + +"Do not say that, Leon; please do not. You know I cannot do it." + +"Why can you not? Do not understand me wrongly. You are and always +will be a very dear sister to me. It is only this I wanted you to +know." + +Aniela almost feverishly gave me her hand, which I raised reverently +to my lips. + +"Yes, I will be that,--always that," she replied quickly. + +And I saw what a heavy weight I had lifted from her mind; how that one +word "sister" had calmed and moved her. This made me recover all my +self-possession; for, when I had touched her hand with my lips, it +almost grew dark before my eyes, and I wanted to take her in my arms, +and tell her the whole truth. In the mean time Aniela's face had grown +brighter and more cheerful. As we came nearer the house, her trouble +seemed to slip off from her, and seeing how much I had gained by +taking this way with her, I continued in the same strain of friendly +conversation. + +"You see, little sister, there is such a void around me. My father is +no more; my aunt is a saintly woman; but she does not understand new +times and new people. Her ideas are different from mine. I shall +never marry,--think only what a lonely man I am. I have nobody near +me,--nobody to share my thoughts, my plans, or my sorrows; nothing but +loneliness around me. Is it not natural that I look for sympathy where +I might expect to find it? I am like the crippled beggar, who stands +waiting at the gate until they give him a small coin. At this moment +the beggar is very poor indeed, and he stands under your window, and +begs for a little friendliness, sympathy, and pity. A very small coin +will satisfy him,--you will not refuse him that, Aniela, will you?" + +"I will not, Leon; I will not, since you are so unhappy--" + +Her voice broke, and she began to tremble. Again I had to make a great +effort to restrain myself; and as I looked at her, something like +unshed tears took me by the throat. + +"Aniela! little Aniela!" I exclaimed, not knowing what to say. + +But she waved her hands, as if to ward me off, and said, her eyes full +of tears,-- + +"Let me go--I shall be better presently. I can not go back like this; +let me go." + +And she went swiftly away. + +"Aniela, forgive me!" I called after her. + +My first impulse was to follow her, but I thought it would be better +to leave her to herself, and I only followed her with my eyes. She +went quickly back into the avenue we had crossed together, and then +turned into a side path. Sometimes the foliage hid her from my eyes, +then again the light dress lit up by the sun appeared between the +trees. From the distance I saw how she shut and opened her sunshade, +as if trying by physical exertion to overcome her emotion. During all +that time I inwardly called her the most endearing names that love +could invent. I could not go away without looking once more into her +eyes; but I had a long time to wait. She came at last, but passed +quickly by, as if afraid of another shock; she only smiled at me in +passing, with angelic sweetness, and said, "I am all right again." + +On her face, pink with exercise, there was no trace of tears. I +remained alone, and a mad, indescribable joy got hold of me, hope +filled my heart, and there was one thought dominating everything: "She +loves me, she fights against it, does not yield, deludes herself--but +loves." At times, the most self-possessed of men, in the +super-abundance of some emotion, comes near the brink of madness. I +was so near it then that I felt a wild desire to hide myself in the +deepest recess of the woods, tear the grass, and shout at the top of +my voice, "She loves me!" At present, when I am able to think more +calmly of this joy, I find it was composed of various active forces. +There was the joy of the artist who sees that a masterpiece he has +begun is progressing satisfactorily; maybe also the satisfaction +of the spider when the fly comes near the web; but there was also +kindness, pity, great tenderness, and all that over which angels +rejoice, as the poet has it. I felt sorry the defenceless little thing +should fall into my hands; and that pity increased the love, and the +desire to conquer Aniela. I felt also a sting of conscience that I had +deceived her, and yet I had the consciousness that I had spoken the +truth when I asked for her sympathy and friendship. I want it as I +want my health. But I did not confess to all my desires, because the +time for it has not yet come. I did not tell her the whole truth, so +as not to frighten the timid soul. I shall come to it by and by, and +the road which leads towards it in the straightest line is the best. + + +10 May. + +The weather is still serene, and everything is serene between us. +Aniela is calm and happy. She thoroughly believes in what I said, +and, as I did not ask for anything but sisterly affection, and her +conscience approves, she allows her heart to follow its dictates. +I alone know that it is a loyal way of deceiving herself and her +husband; for under cover of sisterly affection there is another +feeling, the growth of which I am watching daily. Of course I do not +intend to undeceive her until the feeling grows too strong for her. +By and by she will be enveloped in a flame which neither will, nor +consciousness of duty, nor the modesty of the woman white as a swan, +will be able to keep under control. Constantly the thought dwells with +me that since I love her most, mine is the higher right. What can +there be more logical or more true? The unwritten code of ethics of +all people, of whatever faith, says that the mutual belonging of man +and woman to each other is based upon love. + +But to-day I am so restful and happy that I prefer to feel rather +than to reason. There is now between us a great cordiality, ease, and +intimacy. How we were made for each other, cling to each other, and +how the dear little thing delights in the warmth, delusive warmth +of brotherly affection. Never since my return have I seen her +so cheerful. Formerly when I looked at her she reminded me of +Shakspeare's "Poor Tom." A nature like hers wants love, as her body +wants air to breathe. Kromitzki, occupied with speculations, does not +love her enough, perhaps does not know what love means. She might +rightly say with Shakspeare, "Poor Tom's acold." When I think of this +my heart is stirred, and I make a silent vow that she shall never feel +cold as long as I live. + +If our love were wrong there could not be within us such peace. That +Aniela does not call it by its proper name means nothing; it is there +all the same. The whole day passed for us like an idyl. Formerly I +disliked Sundays; now I find that a Sunday, from morning until night, +may be like a poem, especially in the country. Soon after breakfast, +we went to church in time for the early mass. My aunt followed in our +rear; even Pani Celina, profiting by the fine weather, was wheeled +thither in her Bath chair. There were not many people in church, as +most of them go later for high mass. Sitting on the bench by Aniela's +side, I had the blissful illusion that I was sitting with my affianced +wife. From time to time I looked at the sweet, dear profile, at the +hands which were resting on the desk before her, and the concentration +in her face and bearing gradually infected me. My senses went to +sleep, my thoughts became purer, and I loved her at that moment with +an ideal love, because I felt more than ever how different she was +from any other woman, how infinitely better and purer. + +For a long time I had not felt anything like what I felt in this quiet +village church. Added to Aniela's presence there was the impressive +dignity of the church itself, the soft, flickering light of the +candles in the dim recess of the altar, shafts of colored light coming +through the windows, the chirping sparrows, and the still mass. +All this, with the dreaminess of an early morning, had something +unutterably soothing. My thoughts began to flow as evenly as the +incense at the altar. Nobler feelings stirred within me, and a desire +to sacrifice my own self. An inward voice began to remonstrate:-- + +"Do not disturb that transparent water; respect its purity." + +When the mass came to an end, and we left the church, I saw, to my +greatest amazement, both the Latyszes crouching near the church gate, +with wooden plates in their hands, asking for alms. My aunt, who knew +about my gift, grew very angry upon seeing them there, and began to +abuse them roundly. But the old woman, still holding out her wooden +plate, and not at all abashed, said quietly:-- + +"His lordship's generosity is one thing, and God's will is another. We +must not go against the Lord's will. When the little Lord Jesus told +us to sit here, we must, now and forever and ever, Amen." + +There was nothing to say against this kind of reasoning; especially +that "forever and ever, Amen," imposed upon me, to such an extent that +I gave them some money for the oddity of the thing. These people at +the bottom of their hearts believe in fate, which they dress up in +Christian forms, and submit to it blindly. These Latyszes, to whom I +gave a thousand two hundred roubles, are now better off than they ever +were in their lives, and yet they went to sit at the church gates +because such was their fate,--which the old woman translated into the +"will of God." + +When we were wending our way homewards, the bells were ringing for +high mass. On the road appeared groups of men and women. From the more +distant hamlets one could see them going Indian file along the narrow +paths amid the corn, which, though still green, had shot up to a +considerable height, owing to the early spring. As far as the eye +could reach, in the pure translucid atmosphere, the bright colored +kerchiefs of the girls appeared above the wheat-fields like so many +poppy flowers. By the bye, there is nowhere in Europe such a breadth +of atmosphere as in Poland. What struck me most of all was the +distinctly Sunday character of the day, not in the people alone, but +also in nature. It is true the weather was splendid, but it seemed as +if the wind were hushed because it was Sunday; even the corn did not +rock, not a leaf shook on the poplars, the stillness was perfect; yet +there was the cheerfulness of the Sunday in the festive garments, and +in the dancing sunbeams. + +I explained to Aniela how, from an artistic point of view, those +bright spots harmonized with the landscape and melted in the distance +into a blue haze. Then we began to talk about the peasants. I +confessed that I did not see anything but a crowd of more or less +picturesque models; but Aniela looks at them from a quite different +point of view. She began telling me many characteristic traits, some +sad, and some amusing, and while talking grew very animated, and at +the same time as lovely as a summer's dream. + +The conversation again drifted towards the old couple we had left +sitting under the church gate, and especially the old woman, whose +reasoning had amused us so much. I began comparing her position to my +own. As my aunt remained with Pani Celina, whom the servant wheeled +along at a certain distance behind, I could with freedom allude to our +last conversation in the park. + +"Not long ago," I said, "I asked you for alms, and you bestowed them +on me. I see now that this does not bind me to anything, and I may +again hold out my wooden platter at the church gate." + +"Eh! to ask other charitable souls for the same," replied Aniela. +"Aunty is going to invite one charitable soul to Ploszow, I +understand." + +"If it is Miss Hilst you mean, she is too big to find room in a single +heart; it wants three at least to hold her," but Aniela did not leave +off teasing, and shaking her little finger at me, said:-- + +"It is a suspicious case, very suspicious." + +"At present there is no ground for suspicion," I replied. "My heart +is a repository of brotherly feelings, and there reigns supreme the +spiteful little being who is tormenting me at present." + +Aniela ceased laughing and jesting, slackened her pace, and presently +we joined the elder ladies. The remainder of the day passed without +a cloud, and so pleasantly that at times I fancied myself again a +schoolboy. My eyes still spoke to her of love; but my desires slept. +My aunt went to Warsaw after lunch, and I remained in Pani Celina's +room, reading to her Montalembert's letters, with whom my father at +one time had a regular correspondence. These letters would have seemed +very tedious to me but for Aniela's presence. Raising my eyes now and +then, I met her glance, which filled me with inexpressible joy. Unless +I have lost all power of judgment, she looks at me as would look a +pure, innocent woman, unconsciously loving with all her soul. What a +good day it has been! + +My aunt came back towards evening, and announced visitors. To-morrow +both the Sniatynskis are coming, and Clara Hilst. + +It is very late, but I do not want to sleep, for I am loathe to part +with the memories of the day. Sleep cannot be more beautiful. The park +is literally alive with the song of the nightingales, and there is +still in me a great deal of the old romanticist. The night is clear +and limpid, and the sky full of stars. Thinking of Aniela, I say a +hundred times good-night to her. I see that side by side with the +_improductivite Slave_, there is in me a great deal of purely Polish +sentimentality. I had not known myself in that capacity before. But +what does it matter? I love her very much. + + +13 May. + +Clara and the Sniatynskis have not arrived. Instead of this, there +came a letter, informing us they would come to-morrow, the weather +permitting. To-day we had a thunder-storm, the like of which they have +not experienced here for a long time. About ten o'clock in the morning +a hot wind rose, which smothered everything in clouds of dust. The +wind fell at times, and then rose again with such fury that it seemed +to lay the trees flat. Our beautiful park was filled with the sound of +crashing branches, and clouds of dust mingled with torn-off leaves and +twigs. The great lime-tree close to the pavilion, where young Latysz +died, was split in two. It was fear-fully close, there was no air, and +the wind seemed to come straight from a heated furnace, and carried +with it a breath of carbon. I, used to the Italian _scirocco_, did not +mind it so much, but Pani Celina suffered greatly, and indirectly, +Aniela. My aunt was in a bad temper about the damage done to the park, +and as usual, vented it on Chwastowski. The peppery old gentleman, +who probably was caned often enough over his Homer, had evidently not +forgotten the Odyssey, nor his ready speech either, for he replied to +my aunt that if he were AEolus he would not serve her as agent, and +bear with her unjust tantrums. My aunt gave way this time, merely +because of the redoubled threats from the skies. It had grown very +still all at once, but from the south, banks of cloud, black as a +funereal pall, overcast with a sickly red sheen, came rolling up. In +a moment it grew as dark as night, and Pani Celina rung for lights. +Shortly afterwards the darkness yielded to an ominous reddish light. +Chwastowski rushed off in a hurry to give orders for the cattle to be +driven home, but the cow-herds had started without waiting for orders, +for presently we heard distinctly the mournful lowing of the cattle. +Then my aunt fetched the bell of Our Lady of Loreto, and went around +the house ringing energetically. I did not even try to explain to her +that ringing a bell in that motionless atmosphere might rather attract +than avert a thunderbolt, and in spite of the consciousness that in +case of danger I could not be of the slightest help, I was ashamed to +let her risk the danger alone. The old lady was simply magnificent +when, with her head thrown back, she seemed to defy the black and +copper-colored banks of clouds, and shook at them her Loreto bell. +I did not regret having gone with her, if only to see a symbolic +picture. At a moment when everything trembles before the approaching +horror, crouches in terror almost stupefied, faith alone has no fear; +it defies, and rings a bell. This is, from whatever side we look at +it, an element of incalculable power in the human soul. + +We returned when the first thunder began to growl all around the +horizon. A few minutes later the roar became incessant. I had a +sensation as if the thunder rolled on the lower stratum of the clouds, +and the whole mass would burst at any moment and come with a deafening +crash upon the earth. A thunderbolt fell into the pond at the other +end of the park, followed by another so close by that the house +shook on its foundations. My ladies began to say the Litany; I felt +uncertain what to do; if I joined them it would be hypocrisy on my +part, and if I did not it would look as if I were showing myself off +as an ill-bred wiseacre, who cannot make allowance for country customs +and female terrors. But I was wrong; they were not afraid; their faces +were calm, even serene. It was evident that the familiar Litany was +to them a sufficient armor against all dangers, and that there was no +fear in their hearts. The thought crossed my mind what a stranger in +spirit I was in presence of these Polish women, of whom each knows ten +times less than I, and according to human measure, is worth ten times +as much as I. They are like books of comparatively few pages, each +page containing clear and simple rules, whereas I, with all those +volumes of which I am composed, do not possess a single undoubted +truth. + +It was but a passing thought, as presently the storm that broke upon +us with terrific force engaged all my attention. The wind rose again, +crashing among the trees. It fell at moments, and then the rain came +down in streams; no drops were visible, but long spouts that seemed to +join sky and earth. The avenues in the park were like foaming brooks. +Sometimes a strong gust of wind whipped the water into a fine spray +that hung between earth and sky and obscured the whole view. The +deafening roar of thunder went on incessantly. The air was saturated +with electricity. My pulses were beating loudly; in the rooms an +irritating smell of sulphur made itself felt. The raging elements +without seemed to influence me in a strange way, and I began to lose +control over myself. + +"Do you want to see the storm?" I asked Aniela. + +"Very well. Where from?" + +"Come into the next room, there is a larger window." + +We went and stood at the window. It was very dark then, and every +moment white and red forks of lightning tore across the clouds, +opening the skies and at the same time illuminating our faces and the +dark world without. Aniela was calm, but seemed every moment more +desirable. + +"Are you afraid?" I whispered. + +"No." + +"Give me your hand." + +She looked at me wonderingly. Another moment and I should have folded +her in my arms and pressed my lips against hers, and then let Ploszow +be razed to the ground, by the tempest. But she was terrified, not by +the storm, but by the expression of my face and that whisper; she drew +back from the window and returned to the room where the elder ladies +were sitting. + +I remained alone,--with a feeling of anger and humiliation. That I +should have taken advantage of Aniela's confidence is quite certain, +and yet I felt offended by her want of trust, and resolved to pay her +out in some way. I stood for an hour at the window looking absently at +the lightning flashes. Then it grew lighter and lighter outside; at +last the clouds parted, and the sun shone forth fresh and bright and +as if wondering at the devastation the tempest had wrought. + +It was very considerable; the avenues were still flooded with yellow, +foaming water, above which floated broken branches. Here and there big +trees were lying about, snapped across or torn out by the roots; the +bark was partly stripped from the trunks of pine trees, leaving what +looked like gaping wounds. Everywhere the eye could reach there was +ruin and devastation, as if after a battle. + +When the water had drained off a little I went out toward the ponds +to ascertain the extent of the damage. Suddenly the whole park became +alive with people, who, with an almost savage energy, began to tear +off the broken branches and chop at the fallen trunks. It appears they +were peasant-lodgers who had no right in the woods. In the main, I +did not care whether they gathered the sticks, but as they had come +through the broken fence without permission, and in such a savage +manner, I, being out of humor, began to drive them away, my anger +rising at their stubborn resistance. At last I threatened them with +the village authorities, when suddenly, close by, the sweetest voice +in the world said in French:-- + +"Is there any harm in their clearing the park, Leon?" + +I turned round and saw Aniela, her head covered with a kerchief tied +under her chin. With both hands she was holding up her dress, showing +up to the ankles her little feet encased in high boots; bending +slightly forward she looked at me entreatingly. + +At her sight my anger vanished at once. I forgot the unpleasant +sensations that had troubled me a little while before, and looked at +her as if I could never fill myself enough with the sight. + +"Is it your wish?" I asked. + +Then, turning to the people, I said:-- + +"Take the wood, and thank the lady for the permission." + +This time they obeyed with alacrity. Some of them, evidently strangers +to Ploszow, addressed her as "gracious Panienka" (Miss), which caused +me unspeakable delight. If Ploszow were mine they might cut down every +tree at her wish. In half an hour every broken branch and fallen tree +was cleared away, and the park looked really all the better for it. +Walking with Aniela along the paths I found a great many swallows and +other birds, either killed by the storm or half dead and drenched +with rain. I picked them up, and handing them one by one to Aniela, +I touched her hands, looked into her eyes, and again felt happy. The +idyl of the day before repeated itself, for us both, and brought with +it ease and cheerfulness. My heart was full of joy, for I saw what +Aniela could not see,--that in our brotherly relation there was twice +as much tenderness as would be or ought to be between the most loving +brother and sister. I was quite sure now that, unconsciously, she +loved me as much as I loved her. In this way one half of my hopes and +schemes are realized already; there remains only to bring it home to +her and make her own to the feeling. When I think of that I remember, +with a heart beating fast with happiness, what I wrote down some time +ago: that "no woman in the world can resist the man she truly loves." + + +15 May. + +Our visitors did not come yesterday but to-day, which was very +sensible, as all traces of the storm have disappeared and the weather +is very fine. This fifteenth of May will be one of the best remembered +days in my life. It is now past midnight; I am wide awake, as if I +never wanted to sleep again, and intend to write until morning. I am +collecting my thoughts so as not to begin at the end, and put it all +down in proper order. Force of habit is a great help in this. + +My aunt sent the carriage for the Sniatynskis and Clara very early, in +consequence of which they arrived before noon. The ladies were bright, +cheerful, and chirping like sparrows, glad of the fine weather and +their excursion. What toilets, and what quaint hats! Clara looked +very well in a light, striped dress that made her seem less tall than +usual. I observed that Aniela, after the first greeting, looked at her +searchingly and seemed struck by her beauty, of which I had scarcely +said anything to her. I had not refrained out of calculation, but +had been so occupied with Aniela that I had not thought of it. For +instance, though I had met Pani Sniatynska several times I had never +noticed she wore her hair short, which suits her style of beauty. The +light, curly hair falling over her brow gives her the expression of a +resolute, rosy-faced boy. We are excellent friends again. There was a +time she would have liked to kill me, so angry was she about Aniela. +Evidently her husband had told her what I suffered, and women have +a special weakness for those who suffer for love's sake; she has +forgiven me and reinstalled me in her favor. The presence of such a +bright, vivacious, easy-going woman was a great help in bringing Clara +and Aniela into closer relation. I saw that my aunt met Clara with +great heartiness; but Aniela, in spite of her sweet disposition, +seemed shy, and kept aloof from her. At lunch, amid a cheerful +conversation, she thawed a little. Clara seemed struck by Aniela's +beauty, and as she always says what she thinks, she expressed her +admiration with so much grace and enthusiasm that Aniela had to yield. + +Pani Celina, who now perhaps for the first time found herself in +company with an artist, looked gratified, and turning to her said that +"though Aniela's mother, she must say that as a child she was very +pretty,--promising far greater beauty." Both Sniatynskis joined in the +conversation. He began to discuss with Clara various female types, +then spoke of Aniela's type and its aesthetic perfection in a highly +amusing objective manner, as if she were a portrait hanging on the +wall, rather than a living presence. She, listening to this, blushed +and lowered her eyes, truly like a little girl, which made her look +more charming than ever. + +I was silent, but inwardly compared these three female faces, treating +them also objectively, that is, putting aside the fact that one of +them was the loved one, and as such occupied an exceptional position; +even then everything spoke in her favor. Pani Sniatynska's, especially +in her short curly hair, is a charming head, yet nothing but what may +be found in any English Keepsake. Clara's beauty rests mainly upon her +calm expression, the blue eyes, and that transparent complexion so +often met with in German women; but for her art, which surrounds her +as with a nimbus, she could only be called a handsome woman. Aniela +is not only an artistic production of an exceedingly noble style as +regards her features, but there is something individual in her that +cannot be measured by any standard. Maybe her individuality rests upon +the fact that, being neither dark nor fair, she gives the physical +impression of a brunette and the spiritual one of a blonde. The cause +of this is perhaps the great abundance of hair on a comparatively +small head; enough that she is unique in her kind. She excels even +Mrs. Davis in this regard, whose beauty was without a flaw, but it was +the beauty of a statue. Mrs. Davis only excited the admiration of my +senses, while Aniela rouses in me the idealist, who goes in rapture +over the poetry of her expression. + +But I will not even compare these two so utterly different beings. +I yielded to these reflections during lunch, because the topic in +question had brought me on that track; besides, the analysis of +Aniela's beauty always gives me a keen delight. My aunt interrupted +the discussion, deeming it proper, as lady of the house, to say +something about Clara's last concert. She spoke much and very well; +I never supposed she had such knowledge of music; she paid her some +graceful compliments with the air of a _grande dame_, in that flowing, +winning style only people of the older generation are capable of. In +short, I observed that my downright, outspoken aunt was still able to +recall the times of powder and patches. Clara seemed quite charmed, +and did not remain behind-hand in graceful acknowledgment. + +"I shall always be able to play well at Warsaw," she said, "because +I am in touch with my audience, but I play best in small circles of +friends where I feel in sympathy with everybody,--and if you will +permit, I will give you a proof of it after lunch." + +My aunt, who was very anxious that Pani Celina should hear her, yet +had misgivings whether it would be right to ask her to play, was much +pleased by the proposal. I began to speak of Clara's performances at +Paris and her triumphs at Erard's concerts; Sniatynski gave an account +of what was said at Warsaw; and so the time passed until we rose from +lunch. Clara herself got hold of Paul Celina's invalid chair and would +not allow anybody to help, declaring laughingly that she was by +far the strongest among us, and was not afraid to tire her hands. +Presently she sat down to the piano, and as evidently Mozart suited +her disposition, she gave us Don Juan. The first notes sounded, she +was a different Clara; not the merry, lively child any longer, but an +incarnate Saint Cecilia. There shone in her the close relationship of +outward form with the spirit of harmony, which surrounded her with a +dignity above common womanhood. I made another observation, namely: +that a man in love can find food for his feelings even in what tells +against the loved woman. When I thought how far my Aniela was from +being a Sybil, saw her sitting in a corner of the drawing-room so +small and still, as if crushed down by some weight, I loved her all +the more, and it made her if possible dearer to me than ever. It also +occurred to me that a woman is not in reality what she appears to +people in general, but such as the man who loves sees her; therefore +her absolute excellence is in proportion to the power of love she +inspires. I had no time to follow out this idea, but it pleased me +because I saw dimly before me the conclusion that in the name of this +excellence the woman ought to give her heart to him who loves her +most. + +Clara played superbly. I watched the sensation on the others' faces, +when presently I noticed that Aniela was looking at me for the same +reason. Was it mere curiosity, or an involuntary uneasiness of heart +which could not say what it feared and yet was afraid? I said to +myself: "If the last supposition were true it would be a proof that +she loves me." The thought filled me with joy, and I resolved to find +an answer to it in the course of the day. Thenceforth I bestowed all +my attention upon Clara, and was more attentive to her than I had ever +been before. In the woods whither we had driven, I walked with her, +glancing furtively now and then at Aniela, who remained with the +Suiatynskis. Clara was in rapture with the woods, which are indeed at +their best now, the fresh green of the leafy trees forming a perfect +canopy over the more sombre looking pines. + +The sun filtering across the branches converted the earth, carpeted +with ferns and tender mosses, into a delicate golden embroidery. There +were the cheerful voices of spring around us, the cuckoo's call and +the woodpecker's knock-knock at the trees. When we joined the others +I asked Clara to translate into music the voices of spring. She said +there was already a _Fruehlingslied_ singing within her, and she +would try to give it expression. Truly she looked as if the song was +there,--besides she is like a great harp that speaks only in sounds. + +Her face was bright with burning blushes; Aniela instead looked +fagged, though she evidently tried to keep up with the Sniatynskis, +who were as lively as a couple of school-children on their holiday. +They began finally to race with each other, and Clara joined in the +sport, which she ought not to have done, considering her size, as the +quick motion was anything but graceful,--nay, almost ridiculous. + +When they were thus running after each other I remained alone with +Aniela. According to my plan of operations I was anxious to bring +her mind to full consciousness through the uneasiness with which she +seemed to be oppressed. + +"There is something troubling you, Aniela; what is it?" I asked. + +"No, nothing whatever." + +"It seemed to me as if you were dissatisfied with something; is it +that you do not like Clara?" + +"No; I like her very much, and do not wonder she is so much admired." + +Further conversation was made impossible by the return of the truants. +It was also time to go back. On the way, Sniatynski asked Clara +whether she felt really satisfied with her stay at Warsaw. + +"The best proof I can give you of this is that I do not think of going +away yet," she replied gayly. + +"We must try to keep you with us always," I interpolated. + +Clara, in spite of the simplicity with which she accepts all that is +said to her, looked questioningly at me, then grew a little confused, +and replied,--"They are all very kind to me here." + +I was conscious that my words were in a way dishonorable, as they +might mislead Clara; but all I cared for was the impression they would +make upon Aniela. Unfortunately, I could not see her face, as she was +buttoning her gloves, with her head bent so low that her hat concealed +it from me. This sudden movement seemed to me a good sign. + +The elder ladies were awaiting us with the dinner, which lasted until +nine o'clock; and then Clara improvised her _Fruehlingslied_. I am +almost certain that since Ploszow existed there had never been heard +such music within its walls, but I paid very little attention to it. +I sat near her in the dusk, as she did not want the lamps lit. +Sniatynski waved his arm as if it were a baton; which evidently +annoyed his wife, as she pulled his sleeve several times. Aniela sat +quite motionless; maybe she, too, was absorbed in her own thoughts, +and did not listen to the _Fruehlingslied_. I was almost certain she +was thinking about me and Clara, and especially about the meaning of +the words I had said to Clara. It was easy enough to guess that even +if she did not love me, or had the slightest consciousness that my +love was any other but brotherly affection, she would feel sore and +disappointed if that were about to be taken away from her. A woman who +is not happy in her married life clings round any other feeling, if +it be only friendship, as the ivy clings to the tree. I had no doubt +whatever that if at this moment I knelt down at her feet and told her +it was she, and she alone, that I loved, she would feel a sudden joy, +as one feels upon recovering something very precious. And if so, I +debated within me, why not hasten the solution, if only a way could be +found,--frightening her as little as possible, or making her forget +all terror in her joy. I began at once to devise ways and means, as +I understood it must be done in such a way as to make it forever +impossible for her to cast me off. My mind worked very hard at it, as +the problem was not an easy one. Gradually a great emotion stole over +me: and strange to say, it was more on Aniela's account than on my own +that I felt moved,--for I realized suddenly what a great wrench it +would be, and I was afraid for her. + +In the mean time it had grown lighter in the drawing-room; the moon +had risen above the trees, and cast luminous shafts across the floor. +The melodies of the _Fruehlingslied_ still filled the air, and the +nightingales responded to it through the open French window. It was +a glorious evening, warm and balmy, and full of harmony and love. I +thought involuntarily that, if life does not give us happiness, it +presents us with a ready frame for it. + +In the luminous dusk my eyes searched for Aniela; but she looked at +Clara, who at this moment seemed more a vision than a substantial +being. The moonlight, advancing more and more into the room, rested +now upon her; and in the light dress she looked like the silvery +spirit of music. But the vision did not last long. Clara finished her +song; whereupon Pani Sniatynska rose, and saying it was late, gave the +signal for departure. As the evening was so warm, I proposed we should +see our visitors off as far as the high-road, about half a mile from +our house. I did this on purpose, so as to walk home with Aniela. I +knew she could not well refuse such a mere act of politeness, and I +was also sure my aunt would not go with us. + +I gave orders for the carriage to drive on and wait on the road, and +we went on foot through the lime avenue. I offered my arm to Clara, +but we walked all abreast, accompanied by the croaking of the frogs in +the Ploszow mere. + +Clara stopped a moment to listen to that chorus, which ceased now and +then, to start afresh with redoubled vigor, and said,-- + +"This is the finale of my Song of Spring." + +"What an exquisite evening!" remarked Sniatynski, and then began to +quote the beautiful lines from the "Merchant of Venice":-- + + "How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank! + Here will we sit and let the sounds of music + Creep in our ears: soft stillness and the night + Become the touches of sweet harmony." + +He did not remember the rest, but I did, and took up the strain:-- + + "Sit, Jessica. Look how the floor of heaven + Is thick inlaid with patines of bright gold: + There's not the smallest orb which thou behold'st + But in his motion like an angel sings, + Still quiring to the young-eyed cherubins; + Such harmony is in immortal souls; + But whilst this muddy vesture of decay + Doth grossly close it in, we cannot hear it." + +Then I repeated to Clara, who does not understand Polish, the lines in +French, improvising the translation. She listened to it, then raised +her eyes heavenward, and said simply,-- + +"I was always certain there is music in the spheres." + +It appeared that Pani Sniatynska was equally certain of it, and +reminded her husband that she had discussed it with him not long +before, but he was not quite sure he remembered; whereupon a slight +matrimonial dispute took place, at which Clara and I laughed. Aniela +had not joined the conversation at all; did she feel hurt that I +had offered my arm to Clara, and paid her some attention? The very +supposition made me feel happy. Yet I tried not to lose my head, and +said to myself, "Do not run away with the idea that she knows what +jealousy means; she is only a little sad and feels lonely, that is +all." I would have given at this moment a whole host of artists such +as Clara for a few words with Aniela,--to tell her that I belong +to her, and only to her. Then Sniatynski began a discussion about +astronomy, of which I heard now and then a few words, though this +science attracts me more than I can tell,--for in its very nature +there is no limit, either in itself or for the human mind; it is +infinite. + +We reached at last the end, where our guests mounted into the +carriage. Presently the wheels rattled on the road, the last good-bys +reached our ears, and I was alone with Aniela. We turned homewards, +and for some time walked side by side in silence. The croaking of +the frogs has ceased, and from the distance came the sound of the +watchman's whistle and the loud baying of the dogs. I did not speak to +Aniela, because the silence seemed fraught with deep meaning,--both +our minds being full of the same subject. When about half-way I said +to Aniela,-- + +"What a pleasant day it has been, has it not?" + +"Yes. I never heard such beautiful music before." + +"And yet you seemed not in your usual spirits, and though you will not +tell me the cause, I notice every passing cloud on your face." + +"You were obliged to look after your guests. You are very kind to +trouble about me, but there is nothing the matter with me." + +"To-day as any other day I was occupied with you only, and as a proof +of it let me tell you of what you were thinking to-day." And without +waiting for permission, I went on at once: "You thought I resembled +somewhat the Latysz couple; you thought I had deceived you in speaking +of the void around me; lastly, you thought that I had no need to ask +for your friendship while I was seeking friendship elsewhere. Was it +not so? Tell me the truth." + +Aniela replied with evident effort: "If you insist upon knowing--yes, +perhaps it is so. But I ought to be only glad of it." + +"What ought you be glad of?" + +"Of your mutual friendship with Clara." + +"As to our friendship,--I wish her well, that is all. But Clara, like +all other women, is indifferent to me. Do you know why?" + +I began to tremble a little, because I perceived that the moment +had come. I waited a moment to see whether Aniela would take up my +question, and then, in a voice I tried to render steady, I said,-- + +"Surely you must see and understand that my whole being belongs to +you; that I loved you and love you still madly." + +Aniela stood still as if turned to stone. By the icy coldness of my +face I felt that I was growing pale; and if the world seemed to totter +under that poor child's feet, it was my life, too, which was at stake. +Knowing with whom I had to deal, I did not give her time to repulse +me. I began to speak very quickly:-- + +"Do not answer me, for I do not want anything from you. I desire +nothing,--nothing whatever, understand that well. I wanted to tell you +that you have taken my life, and it is henceforth yours, to do with it +what you like. But you have seen yourself that such is the case, and +it matters nothing whether I speak of it or not. I repeat that I +desire nothing, nor do I expect anything. You cannot repulse me, +because I repulse myself. I only tell you as I might tell a friend, a +sister. I come and complain to you, because I have nowhere else to +go, that I love a woman that belongs to somebody else,--love her to +distraction,--oh, Aniela!--and without limit!" + +We were near the gate, but still in the deep shadow of the trees. For +a moment I had the delusion that she was leaning towards me like +a broken flower, that I might snatch her into my arms; but I was +mistaken. + +Aniela, recovering from the sudden shock, began suddenly to say, with +a kind of nervous energy I had not suspected in her,-- + +"I will not listen to this, Leon. I will not; I will not; I will not!" + +And she ran into the moonlit courtyard. Yes; she ran away from my +words,--my confession. Presently she disappeared within the portico, +and I remained alone with a feeling of unrest, fear, and great pity +for her, and triumph at the same time that the words which should be +the beginning of a new life for us both had been spoken. For, to say +the truth, I could not expect anything else from her at first; but the +seed from which something must spring up was sown. + +When I came into the house there was no Aniela visible. I found +only my aunt, walking up and down the room muttering her rosary and +soliloquizing between the prayers. I said good-night, and went at once +to my room thinking that it would calm me if I put down the day's +impressions; but it only tired me more. I intend to go away to-morrow, +or rather to-day, for I see the daylight coming through the window. I +want to confirm Aniela in the conviction that I expect nothing from +her,--want her to calm down and get familiar with what I told her. But +to confess the whole truth, I go away also because I am afraid to meet +her so soon, and would fain put it off. There are moments when +it seems to me a monstrous deed to have introduced an element of +corruption in this pure atmosphere. But does not the principal evil +lie in her marrying a man she cannot love? What is more immoral, my +love which is a manifestation of nature's great law, or the belonging +of Aniela to that man, which is a shameful breaking of the same law? +And I, who understand this so clearly, am yet so weak that a horror +seizes me when I kick against that corrupt morality. But all these +scruples melt like snow at the words, "I love." If even now my heart +feels sore at the thought that at this very moment she may be awake, +weeping perhaps, or torn by doubts, it is only another proof how I +love her. It hurts me, and at the same time I do not see how otherwise +we can arrive at happiness. + + +19 May. + +The first night after my arrival I slept profoundly. At Ploszow I +grudged every moment that kept me from Aniela, and during the night I +was writing; consequently I felt deadly tired. And now I feel still +heavy, but am able to think. I am somewhat ashamed that I ran away and +left Aniela alone to bear the burden of my confession; but when the +beloved woman is in question, a little cowardice is not dishonorable. +Besides, I should not have fled had it not been necessary for the +future weal of my love. Now, every day when she rises and says her +prayers, walks in the park or attends her sick mother, she must, if +ever so unwillingly, say to herself, "He loves me," and the thought +will gradually become familiar, less terrifying to her. Human nature +gets accustomed to everything, and a woman soon becomes reconciled to +the thought that she is loved, especially when she returns that love. +This question, "Does she love me?" I put to myself the first time when +I knew I loved her still; and again I turn it over in my mind, try to +weigh all the circumstances as if somebody else's fate were at stake, +and I arrive at the conviction that it cannot be otherwise. When she +married she loved me, not Kromitzki; she only yielded to him her hand +driven by despair. If she had married a superior man who dazzled her +by his fame, his thoughts, or exceptional character, she might have +forgotten me. But how could a Kromitzki, with his money-grubbing +neurosis, get hold of her affection? Besides, he left her soon after +they were married; he sold Gluchow, which was as the very apple of the +eye to these two women. Judging Kromitzki quite impartially, there +was nothing in him which could win a being full of ideal impulses and +feelings. Then I came back,--I, whom she had loved. I touched the +chords of her heart with memories of the past, by every word and +glance. I drew her towards me, not only with that skill an experience +of life gives, but also with that magnetic force true love bestows on +man. Adding to this the fact that she knew how much I suffered when I +sent Sniatynski to her, she must have pitied me, and that pity cannot +have vanished altogether. I play for my life, but the cards are in my +favor. I cannot lose the game. + +I am as much in my right as anybody who is defending his life. I do +not say this upon the impulse of the moment, but after calm reasoning. +I have no convictions, no beliefs, no principles, no stable ground +under my feet, for the ground has been undermined by criticism and +reflection. I have only those forces of life born with us, and they +are all concentrated on one woman. Therefore I clutch my love as a +drowning man clutches a plank; if this gives way there will be nothing +left to live for. If common-sense asks, "Why did you not marry +Aniela?" I say what I have said before: I did not marry her simply for +the reason that I am not straight, but crooked,--partly because born +so, partly because so reared by those two nurses, Reflection and +Criticism. Why this woman and no other should be my plank of +salvation, I do not know. Most likely because it was she and not +another. It did not depend upon me. + +If she were free to-day, I would stretch my hands out for her without +hesitation; if she had never been married, who knows?--I am ashamed +of the thought, and yet it may be that she would not be so desirable. +Most likely, judging by the past, I should have gone on watching her, +watching my own feelings, until somebody else carried her off; but I +prefer not to think of it, because it makes me inclined to swear. + + +20 May. + +I considered to-day what would happen if I gained Aniela's love, or +rather brought her to confess it. I see happiness before me but no way +of reaching it. I know that if in presence of these women I uttered +the word "divorce," they would think the roof was crashing down over +our heads. There cannot be even a question as to that, because my +aunt's and Pani Celina's ideas upon that point are such that neither +of them would survive the shock. I have no illusions as to Aniela; her +ideas are the same. And yet the moment she owns her love, I will say +the word, and she must accustom herself to it; but we shall have to +wait until my aunt's and Pani Celina's death. There is nothing else +for it. Kromitzki will either agree willingly or he will not. In the +latter case I shall carry Aniela off, if I have to go as far as the +Indies, and the divorce, or rather invalidation of the marriage, I +shall conduct myself, in spite of his wishes. Fortunately, there is no +want of means. As regards myself, I am ready for everything, and the +inward conviction that I am right justifies me in my own eyes. This +time it is not a mere love intrigue, but a feeling that absorbs my +whole being. Its sincerity and strength make all my stratagems lawful. +I know that I deceive her in saying that all I wish to gain is a +sister's love. I deceive her when I say I do not desire anything; all +this would be wrong and a lie if my love were in itself a lie. In +presence of a great truth, they are mere diplomatic stratagems of +love. It all belongs to the course of love. It is a known fact that +even affianced lovers have recourse to stratagems, in order to make +each other confess their love. As to myself, I am sincere even when I +say what is not true. + + +21 May. + +I told Aniela that I intended to work, and I will do so, if only for +the reason that I said so to her. I will have the collections brought +over from Rome, and found a museum. This will be Aniela's merit, +and the first useful deed that springs from our love. I suppose the +Italian government will raise difficulties, as there is a law that +prohibits the exportation of antiquities and precious works of art. +But my lawyer will arrange that for me. And that reminds me of the +Madonna by Sassoferrato, which my father bequeathed to his future +daughter-in-law. I will have it sent over at once, because I want it. + + +22 May. + +Human nature is ever malicious. I have a grim satisfaction in thinking +how ridiculous a man like Kromitzki must seem, who is turning +summersaults in the East in his effort to make money, while somebody +whispers love vows into his wife's ears; and sooner or later Aniela +must see it in this light. The whole Kromitzki can be summed up in +the one fact: he sold Gluchow and left the women without a home. He +thought perhaps they would live in Odessa or Kieff; in the mean while +Pani Celina's illness brought Aniela to Ploszow. + +Yet he knew how precarious the lady's health was; he ought to have +foreseen that she might fall ill, and that Aniela would remain alone +with the burden of sorrow and trouble. If his business requires his +presence in the East, why did he marry at all? + +To-morrow I go back to Ploszow. I feel very lonely here, and besides +I feel the longing to look once more into Aniela's eyes, and at times +feel guilty, as if I had been shirking a duty by running away. It was +necessary at the time, but I must go back now. Who knows? greater +happiness than I suppose may be waiting for me,--perhaps she too is +longing for me. + +I called upon the Sniatynskis, and Clara, whom I did not find at home. +I paid also a visit to the celebrated beauty, Pani Korytzka. The +latter carries her historical name like a jockey cap, and her wit as +a riding-whip; she hits people with it between the eyes. I came off +unscathed; she even tried a little coquetry on me. I made a dozen or +so calls and left cards. I wish people to think that I am settled at +Warsaw. + +As the bringing over of my father's collections is only a matter of +will and ready money, I am seeking what else there is for me to do. +Men of my position are usually occupied with the administration of +their fortune; and very badly they administer it on the whole, far +worse than I. Very few take any part in public life. I mentioned +before that here they still amuse themselves with aristocracy and +democracy; there are even some whose whole aim in life consists in +backing up social hierarchy, and stemming the tide of democratic +currents. It is a sport as good as any other, but since I am no +sportsman, I take no interest in that amusement. Even if it were no +mere play, if there were some sense at the bottom of it, I am too much +of a sceptic in regard to both parties to belong to either. Democracy, +by which I mean patented democrats, not people of humble extraction, +acts upon my nerves. As to aristocracy, methinks that if their _raison +d'etre_ is based upon services rendered to the country by their +ancestors, those services have often been such that the sooner their +descendants don the hair shirt and cover their heads with ashes the +better. Besides, these two parties, with the exception of a few +foolish individuals, do not really believe in themselves. Some feign +sincerity in order to serve their own ends, and as I never feign +anything, it is clear that to take part in such struggles is not the +work for me. Then there are those of the Sniatynski order who stand +above both parties, but are always ready to drown both in their +synthesis. They are, as a rule, strong men; but even if I could agree +with them I should have to do something,--mere consciousness of duty +is not work. Sniatynski writes plays. Truly, when I look things +straight in the face, I find that I am outside the parenthesis, and +do not see my way to get inside. It is strange that a man who has +considerable means, culture, certain capacities, and a wish for +something to do, should find nothing he can put his hands to. Again +I feel inclined to swear, as it is all owing to that intellectual +splitting of hairs. They ought to make a diagnosis upon me, as to the +disease of Time's old age, which in me has reached the acute stage. +He who is a sceptic in regard to faith, in regard to science, +conservatism, progress, and so on, has indeed difficulty in finding +anything to do. + +In addition to all that, my aspirations are far greater than the +possibility of satisfying them. Life rests upon work; and therefore, +here people work at something or other. But it is the work of a +dray-horse, carting grain to the granary. I could not do it even if I +wished. I am a high-stepper, fit only for a carriage, and of no use on +sandy, rutty roads, where common horses do the work better and more +steadily. At the building of a house I could not carry the bricks, but +might do something in the ornamental line, but where it is a question +of four simple walls and a sound roof, artisans such as I are not +wanted. If at least I had a mighty impulse towards work, I still might +be able to force myself to do something. But in the main, it is only a +question of appearances. I wish to work in order to please the woman +I love. Aniela in regard to that has exalted notions, and it would +certainly please her. Moreover, for that very reason my vanity and +also my calculations urge me to bid for a prominent position, which +would raise my value in her eyes. I will see what can be done, and +in the meanwhile my purse will do the work for me. I shall have the +collection sent over, support various institutions, and give money +where it is wanted. + +What a strange power there is in woman! She comes in contact with a +genius without portfolio, an exceptionally useless implement like me, +and then, without any preaching on her part, he feels himself in duty +bound to do all sorts of things he never dreamed of doing before. + +The deuce take me if I ever thought of bringing my collections to +Paris or Vienna for the sake of a Parisian or Viennese. I am going +back to Ploszow; I long to be near my good spirit. + + +23 May. + +When I went away from Ploszow for some time, it was to bring Aniela +to some kind of decision. At Warsaw and on the way back to Ploszow, I +tried to guess what she had resolved upon. I knew she could not write +to her husband: "Come and take me away, for Ploszowski is making love +to me;" she would not have done so even if she hated me. There is too +much delicacy of feeling in her to do that. Putting aside that an +encounter between me and Kromitzki might be the consequence of such a +step, Aniela would have to leave her sick mother, who cannot go away +from Ploszow. + +Aniela's position is indeed a difficult one, and I counted upon that +before I made my confession. The thought crossed my mind that she +might take it into her head to avoid me altogether, and shut herself +up in her mother's rooms. But I dismissed the thought. In the country +and under the same roof it would be quite impracticable, or at any +rate so conspicuous as to rouse the elder ladies' attention and +consequently act injuriously upon her mother's health. In truth I take +the utmost advantage of her position, but who that is in love does not +do the same? I foresaw that Aniela, even if she returns my love, will +not allow me in the future to repeat my avowal,--she will resist more +than any other married woman; for what with her principles and her +modesty, the slightest sign of yielding would appear to her an +incredible crime. But how can she prevent me from telling her my love? +There is only one way,--by getting from me a voluntary promise; I +guessed she would speak to me about it, and I was right. + +When I arrived at Ploszow she seemed pale, and a little worn, but +looked at me with a resolute face. It was evident the dear child had +laid by a whole store of arguments to convince me with, and believed +that after displaying them there would be nothing for me but to remain +silent forever. Angelic delusion; to think there is only one truth in +the world. No! do not enter into any arguments with me, my Aniela, for +if I believe in any truth, it is the truth and right of love; besides, +I am too wily, and each argument will be turned inside out like a +glove and made into a weapon against yourself. Neither argument nor +reasoning, not even my pity will save you; for the whiter, the more +perfect and angelic you prove yourself, the more I shall love you, and +the more I love, the more desirable you will be to me. I have nothing +but crocodile tears for you, which will only sharpen my rapacity. Such +is the mazy circle of love. At the sight of Aniela I felt myself drawn +into that circle. In the afternoon, that same day, when Pani Celina +had fallen asleep on the veranda, Aniela motioned me to follow her +into the park. From the earnest expression of her face, I guessed that +the time had come for those arguments, and I followed her eagerly. As +we went farther from the veranda, I noticed that Aniela's animation +began to flag; she had grown paler and seemed frightened at her own +temerity; but she could not draw back now, and began in an unsteady +voice:-- + +"If you only knew how unhappy I have been these last days--" + +"Do you think I have been much happier?" I replied. + +"I know you have not, and because of that I have a request to make. +You understand everything, and are so good and generous you will not +refuse what I ask you." + +"Tell me, what do you want me to do?" + +"Leon, you must leave here, go abroad again, and do not come back +until mamma and I are able to leave Ploszow." + +I was sure she would ask me that. I remained silent for a while as if +searching for an answer. + +"You can do with me what you like," I said; "but tell me, why do you +send me into exile?" + +"I do not send you into exile; but you know why--" + +"I know," I replied, with unfeigned sadness and resignation; "it is +because I am ready to give the last drop of my blood for you, because +I would shield you with my body from any danger, because I love you +more than my life,--these are heavy sins indeed!" + +"No," she interrupted, with feverish energy, "but because I am the +wife of a man I love and respect,--and I will not listen to such +words." + +Impatience and anger seized me; I knew she did not speak the truth. +All married women shield themselves with love and respect for the +husband when they arrive at a turning-point of their life, though +there may not be a shadow of that feeling in their hearts; +nevertheless, Aniela's words sent a shock through my nerves, and I +could scarcely repress the exclamation: "You say what is not true! you +are perjuring yourself, for you neither love nor respect the man;" but +the thought that her energy would not hold out long made me refrain, +and I replied, almost humbly:-- + +"Do not be angry with me, Aniela; I will go." + +I saw that my humility disarmed her, and that she felt sorry for me. +Suddenly she pulled a leaf from a low-hanging branch, and began to +tear it nervously to pieces. She made superhuman efforts not to burst +into tears, but I saw her breast heaving with agitation. + +I, too, was moved to the very depth of my soul, and continued with +difficulty:-- + +"Do not wonder that I hesitate to comply with your wish, for it is +very heavy upon me. I have told you that I do not wish for anything +but to breathe the same air with you, to look at you, and God knows it +is not too much I ask for; yet such as it is, it is my all. And you +take it away from me. Think only; everybody else is allowed to come +here, to speak to you, look at you--but me. Why am I shut out? Because +you are dearer to me than to anybody else! What a refined cruelty of +fate! Only put yourself in my place. It is difficult for you, who have +never known what loneliness means; you love your husband, or think +you do, which comes to the same; put yourself for a moment into my +position, and you will understand that such a sentence is worse than +death. You ought to feel at least a little pity. Driving me from here, +you take everything from me. I told you I had come home to do some +useful work, in which I might find peace, forgetfulness, and redeem +my former sins; only recently I resolved to bring over my father's +collections; and you want me to renounce all that, bid me go away and +begin again a wandering, aimless, life. But have your wish; I will +go if you tell me the same three days hence, for I fancy you did not +quite understand what all this meant for me. Now you know, I only ask +for three days' respite, nothing more." + +Aniela covered her eyes with her hands and moaned: "Oh, my God! my +God!" + +There was something inexpressibly touching in the low cry, like the +wail of a child at its own powerlessness. There was a moment I felt +tempted to promise everything she asked. But in that wail I saw the +promise of a future victory, and I would not lose its fruits. + +"Listen to me," I said, "I will go at once, this very moment, and put +seas between us, if you tell me that it is necessary for your own +peace of mind. I speak to you now as a friend, a brother! I know from +my aunt that you loved me; if that love be still alive I will go at +your bidding." + +Sincere pain on my part dictated these words; but it was a terrible +trap for Aniela, which might wring a confession from her. If that had +happened--I do not know--maybe I should have kept my word, but as the +heavens are above us, I would have taken her into my arms. But she +only shuddered as if I had touched an open wound; then her face flamed +up in anger and indignation. "No!" she exclaimed with desperate +passion, "it is not true! not true! You may do as you like, go away +or stay, but it is not true!" The very passion with which these words +were uttered showed me that it might be true. I felt inclined to tell +her so with frank brutality, but I saw my aunt coming towards us. +Aniela was not able to conceal her emotion, and my aunt looking at her +asked at once:-- + +"What is troubling you, child? what have you two been talking about?" + +"Aniela was telling me how grieved her mother was about the sale of +Gluchow--and I do not wonder she took it so much to heart." + +Whether Aniela's strength was exhausted, or the untruth I made her +take a silent part in filled the cup of bitterness to overflowing, she +burst into incontrollable sobs that shook her like a reed; my aunt +folded her into her arms and hushed her as if she were a little child. + +"Aniela, my darling, there is no help for it; let us submit to God's +will. The hail has ruined five of my farms, and I did not even say a +word about it to Chwastowski." + +The mention of the five farms appeared to me so inappropriate, +selfish, and futile in presence of Aniela's tears that it made me +quite angry with my aunt. + +"Never mind the farms," I said brusquely, "she is grieved about her +mother;" and I went away in sorrow, for I felt I was torturing the +woman I loved beyond anything. I had conquered along the whole line, +yet I felt profoundly sad, as if the future were full of unknown +terrors. + + +25 May. + +To-day is the third day since our conversation, and as Aniela has not +referred to it again, I remain. She does not say much to me, nor does +she avoid me altogether, fearing to attract notice. I try to be good, +friendly, and attentive, but do not thrust myself in her way. I want +her to think I keep my feeling under control, but she cannot help +seeing it is there, and increasing every moment. At any rate we have a +little world to ourselves, where only we two dwell; we have our mutual +secret from the others. When we speak about indifferent topics we both +know that at the bottom of our hearts there is something we both think +about but do not put into words. This forms a tie; time and patience +will do the rest. From my love I weave a thousand threads around her, +which will bind us more and more. This would be all in vain if she +loved her husband; it would make her hate me. But the past speaks in +my favor, and the present does not not belong to Kromitzki. I still +think it over with the greatest impartiality, and I come to the same +conclusion, that she cannot love him. Aniela's resistance is the +inward struggle of an exceptionally pure soul, that does not allow a +breath of faithlessness to come near it. But she is without help in +that struggle. I know the resistance will be long, and difficult to +overcome; I must always be on the watch, give a clear account to +myself of every trifle, and weave around her strong and invisible +threads. Even if I should commit any mistakes they will be only, the +result of my love, and as such will be rather a help than a hindrance. + + +26 May. + +I told Sniatynski about my intention to have my Roman collections +conveyed to Warsaw,--calculating that it would reach the press, which +could not fail to laud me up to the sky as a public benefactor. Aniela +involuntarily must compare me to Kromitzki, which will count in my +favor. I sent also a telegram to Rome, asking for the Sassoferrato. + +During breakfast I told Aniela, in presence of the others, that my +father had left the picture to her in his will; which confused her, +and she guessed at once that he had looked upon her as his future +daughter. It is true there was no name mentioned in the will, and for +that very reason I want Aniela to have it. The mention of this bequest +reawoke in us both a host of memories. I had done this on purpose to +turn Aniela's thoughts to the past, when she loved me and could love +me in peace. I know the remembrance must be mingled with some bitter +thoughts, even some resentment; it cannot be otherwise; but it would +be worse without the message I sent her through Sniatynski. This +message is the only extenuating circumstance in the whole guilty +affair. Aniela knows that I wanted to undo the wrong, that I loved her +then, suffered, and repented,--am repenting still, and that if we are +unhappy she too helped to bring that unhappiness on both. She is bound +to absolve me in her heart, regret the past and dream what the future +might have been but for my misdeeds and her severity. Even then I was +reading in her face that she felt frightened at her own thoughts +and visions, and tried to drive them away by a conversation upon +indifferent subjects. My aunt is so full of the approaching races +and the expected victory of Naughty Boy, who is put down for the +government stakes, that she cannot think of anything else. Aniela +thereupon began to talk about the races, and made some random remarks +and asked a few questions, until my aunt got scandalized and said:-- + +"My dear child, I see you have not the slightest notion about races." + +I said to her with my eyes: "I know you want to stifle your feelings;" +and she understood me as if I had said it in so many words. And +indeed, I am quite certain that she is as much absorbed in our mutual +relation as I am. The thought of love independent of matrimony is +already planted in her soul; it is there, and does not leave her for +a moment. She must live with it, and get reconciled to it. In such a +case a woman, even if she had loved her husband, would turn from him. +A drop of water will hollow out a stone. If Aniela loves me ever so +little, if she only loves the past, she will be mine. I cannot think +of it calmly, because the foretaste of happiness is almost choking me. + +There are here and there quicksands on the seashore, and the unwary +traveller who wanders there is lost. At times it seems to me that my +love is like one of those quicksands, and that I am dragging Aniela +into it; I myself am sinking, sinking--Let it be so--but together! + + +28 May. + +My aunt is spending six to eight hours out of the twenty-four at +Burzany, one of her farms, a mile from Ploszow, where she passes her +time in contemplation of Naughty Boy, and in looking after Webb, the +English trainer. I was there above an hour yesterday. Naughty Boy is +a fine animal,--let us hope he will not be naughty when the great day +arrives. But what does it matter to me? Various business is taking me +to town, but I am loath to leave Ploszow. Pani Celina has been worse +the last few days, but young Chwast, as my aunt calls him, says it +is merely a passing symptom; he considers it necessary that somebody +should always be with the sick lady, to distract her from the thoughts +which dwell upon the loss of the dear ancestral home, and consequently +weaken her nerves. I try to show her almost a son's attention, because +in this way I earn Aniela's gratitude, and she gets used to consider +me as belonging to them. I have now not the slightest ill-feeling +towards the old lady,--she is too unhappy herself; and besides, I +begin to love everything and everybody that belongs to Aniela,--with +one exception. + +Yesterday I spent several hours with the invalid, together with Aniela +and Chwast. We were reading and talking. Pani Celina does not sleep at +night, and as the doctor does not approve of sleeping-draughts, she +dozes off in the daytime after any lengthy conversation, and strange +to say, only a sudden silence wakes her up. For this reason we keep up +the conversation or the reading. It was the same to-day. But for the +doctor's presence I could speak to Aniela with the greatest freedom. + +Just at this time the daily papers are fully occupied with the divorce +of the beautiful Pani Korytzka. Everybody talks about it, and my aunt, +who is related to the husband, is greatly shocked. I resolved to make +the most of my opportunity, and plant ideas in Aniela's mind that had +not been there before. + +"You are quite wrong, dear aunt, to blame Pani Korytzka. To me it +seems that she acts as a true and honest woman should. Where love +begins, human will ends,--even you must acknowledge that. If Pani +Korytzka loves somebody else, nothing remains for her but to leave +her husband. I know what you are going to say, and also what Aniela +thinks,--that duty still remains; is it not so?" + +"I think you too must be of the same opinion," replied Aniela. + +"Most certainly. The question is which way lies Pani Korytzka's duty." + +I do not know why, but the young doctor stipulated that he did +not recognize any free will, but afterwards listened attentively, +evidently pleased with the boldness of my views. + +But seeing astonishment on Aniela's face, I went on quickly:-- + +"What can there be more barbarous or unnatural than to ask a woman to +sacrifice the man she loves to the man she does not love? Religious +beliefs may be in contradiction with one another, but they all agree +upon the same ethics, that marriage is based upon love. What then is +matrimony? It is either something inviolable and essentially holy +when resting upon such a basis, or if otherwise, only a contract +in contradiction to religion and morality, and as such ought to be +dissolved. Otherwise speaking, a woman's duties spring from her +feelings, and not from a number of more or less solemn ceremonies, +which in themselves are only so many forms. I say this because I am a +man who puts truth above mere forms. I know the word 'faithlessness' +sounds very terrible. But do not delude yourselves with the notion +that a woman is faithless at the moment she leaves her husband. She +is faithless the very moment she feels that her love for him is gone. +What follows after is only a question of her capacity to bring things +to a logical conclusion, of her courage and her heart that knows, or +does not know, the meaning of love. Pani Korytzka loved the man for +whom she divorces her husband before she was married; the marriage +was contracted in a moment of misunderstanding, she mistaking an +exhibition of jealousy for indifference. This was her only mistake; +which she wants to correct now that she understands that it was not +right to sacrifice the man she loved to the man she looked upon with +indifference; nobody but those who will not see can call her bad or a +hypocrite." + +There was as much fiction as truth in what I was saying. I knew my +aunt would never agree to the theory that the will ends when love +steps in; but I said it to impress Aniela with the idea that there was +no doubt about it. That first lover was also an invention of my own, +to make the story more to the point. But I was perfectly sincere when +speaking about the rights and duties springing from feeling. It is +quite another thing that I might not stand up for this theory if it +did not suit me just then; but man is always subjective, especially +the man who has doubted all objective truths. + +I stood up for myself, and should have been foolish to speak against +my own interest. I counted that this kind of reasoning would hasten +the evolution of her soul, encourage her, and finally justify her in +her own eyes. Considering her great sensitiveness, I thought some of +it would take root. She understood me perfectly, and I could see that +every word thrilled her nerves; her color came and went; she put her +hands to her burning face to cool it. At last, when I had ceased +speaking, she replied:-- + +"Everything may be proved in some way or other; but when we do wrong +our conscience tells us, 'It is wrong, wrong!' and nothing can +convince it to the contrary." + +Young Chwastowski must have thought Aniela wanting in philosophical +development, and as to myself I had a sensation like that, for +instance, when a weapon comes into contact with a stone wall. Aniela's +reply, in its simplicity and dogmatism, brought to naught all my +arguments. For if the principle that the will ends where love steps in +might be open to doubt, there is no doubt whatever that where dogma +begins reasoning ceases. Women generally, and Polish women especially, +agree with logic as long as it does not bring them into danger. At the +approach of danger they shelter themselves behind the fortifications +of simple faith and catechismal truth, which strong feeling might +force to surrender, but reasoning, never. It is their weakness, and at +the same time their strength. In consequence of this their power of +reasoning is weaker than man's, but their saintliness in certain +conditions becomes unassailable. The devil can lead a woman astray +only when he inspires her with love; by way of reasoning he can do +nothing, even if for once he has the right on his side. + +In presence of these reflections I feel disheartened. I am thinking +that any structure, however cleverly and artfully raised by me, will +be pulled down by the simple words: "It is wrong; conscience does not +permit it." + +In presence of that I am powerless. I must be very careful so as +not to estrange or frighten her by the boldness of ideas I try to +acclimatize in her mind. And yet I cannot give up all endeavors of +this kind. Though they do not occupy the first place in the plan of +subduing her, they may hasten the solution. They would be of no use +whatever if it were true that she did not love me. If I had made a +mistake,--but even then there would be some kind of solution. + + +29 May. + +To-day I found Aniela standing on a chair before the old Dantzic clock +which had gone wrong. At the moment she raised herself on tip-toe to +reach the hands, the chair gave way. I had only time to cry out, "Take +care! you are falling!" I caught her in my arms, and put her on the +floor. For the twinkling of an eye I held the dear girl in my arms, +her hair touched my face, her breath fanned my cheek. I felt so dizzy +that I had to steady myself by grasping the back of a chair,--and she +saw it. She knows I love her madly. I cannot write any more. + + +30 May. + +My whole day was poisoned, for Aniela has received another letter from +Kromitzki. I heard her telling my aunt that he does not know himself +when he will be able to return,--may be shortly, or it may be two +months hence. I cannot even imagine how I shall be able to bear his +presence near Aniela. At times it seems that I simply could not bear +it. I count upon some lucky chance that will prevent his coming back. +Chwastowski says Pani Celina ought to go to Gastein as soon as she can +bear the journey. Gastein is such a distance from Baku that it may be +too far for Kromitzki to go. I shall go there as sure as there is a +heaven above us. It is a happy thought of Chwastowski's; the baths +will do us all much good. I too feel fagged and in want of bracing +mountain air, and still more in want of being near Aniela. To-morrow I +shall go to Warsaw, and send a telegram to the manager of the bathing +establishment to secure rooms for the ladies. If no rooms are to be +had, I am ready to buy a villa. When Pani Celina spoke of the trouble +and difficulties it would give Aniela were she to go there, I only +said: "Leave it all to me;" and then, in a lower voice, to Aniela: "I +will take care of her as if she were my own mother." I saw that Pani +Celina, who believes less and less in Kromitzki's millions, was afraid +I might arrange things on too expensive a scale; but I have already +settled it in my mind to show her a fictitious agreement, and take the +greater part of the expenses upon myself. Of course, I never mentioned +that I intended going there myself. I will arrange it so that the +proposal shall come from my aunt. I am quite sure that, as soon as I +unfold my plans of going somewhere in the hills to recruit my health, +the good soul will fall into the trap, and say: "Why not go with them? +it will be more comfortable for all of you." I know it will frighten +Aniela, and in the most secret recess of her heart please her a +little. Maybe it will remind her of the poet's line, "You are +everywhere: above me, around me, and within me." Then truly, my love +will surround her as with an enchanted circle, enter her heart in the +guise of thoughtfulness towards the mother,--in the guise of little +services she cannot refuse without exciting her mother's suspicions; +all this will gradually sink into her heart, in the guise of gratitude +and pity for my sufferings, will thrust itself upon her with all the +force of old memories. + +She hears my praises sung by everybody: by my aunt, who loves me +blindly as she always did; by young Chwastowski, who, to show the +impartiality people of his opinions are capable of, maintains I am an +exception in the "rotten sphere." I have even won over Pani Celina +by my attentions; she likes me now, and involuntarily, I dare say, +regrets that I am not Aniela's husband. All around Aniela there is one +great suggestion of love. + +And you, dearest, are you going to resist all these powers? When will +you come and tell me: "I cannot hold out any longer; take me,--I love +you"? + + +Warsaw, 31 May. + +Pani L., the patroness of a charitable institution, asked Clara to +give another concert for the benefit of the destitute. Clara refused +on the plea that she is busy upon a great musical work that engages +all her attention. The letter,--a very pattern of polite refusal,--was +accompanied by exactly the same sum of money the first concert had +brought in. It is easy to imagine what a sensation this act of +generosity made in Warsaw. The papers were full of it, raising the +musician and her generosity to the sky. Naturally, her private means, +which are considerable, gained in dimensions. I do not know how +society came to couple our names; perhaps, our acquaintance, dating +from a long time, our intimacy, and the exaggerated news of her wealth +gave rise to the rumor. I was at first a little angry on hearing this; +but upon maturer reflection, resolved not to give any direct denial, +because this puts my attentions towards Aniela beyond all suspicion. + +When I went to Clara's morning reception, Pani Korytzka came up to me, +and, with that witty, aggressive air of hers, asked me in presence of +some dozen people from the musical world and Warsaw society, in an +audible voice,-- + +"Tell me, cousin, who was that mythological person that could not +resist the Siren?" + +"Nobody resisted, _ma cousine_, except Ulysses; and he only because he +was tied to the mast." + +"And why have you not taken these precautions?" + +I saw some covert smiles lurking in the faces of those who witnessed +the attack, and I retorted,-- + +"Sometimes even that is of no use. You know that love sunders the +strongest ties." + +In spite of all her self-possession, Pani Korytzka grew confused, +and I gained one of those tiny victories which are comprised in the +proverb, "The scythe hit upon a stone," or in plain English, "The +biter bit." + +Whether people repeat to each other that I am going to marry Clara or +not, does not trouble me in the least; in fact, for the above stated +reason I do not mind it at all; but I did not expect that this visit +would turn out so unpleasant, and Clara herself be the cause of it. +When all the people had left, and only Sniatynski and I remained, she +sat down to the piano, and played her new concerto,--played it so +magnificently that we could not find words to express our admiration; +repeating at our request the finale, she said, suddenly,-- + +"This is my farewell, because everything comes to a finale." + +"Surely you are not thinking of leaving us?" asked Sniatynski. + +"Yes, in ten days at the furthest I must be at Frankfurt," replied +Clara. + +Thereupon Sniatynski turned to me,-- + +"And what do you say to that,--you who at Ploszow gave us to +understand, made us hope, Miss Hilst would remain with us always?" + +"Yes; and I say the same now: her memory will always remain with us." + +"Yes; I understood it so," replied Clara, with naive resignation. + +Inwardly I was furious,--with myself, Sniatynski, and Clara. I am +neither so vain, foolish, nor mean that every conquest of that kind +should rejoice me; therefore felt annoyed at the thought that Clara +might love me, and nourish some baseless hopes. I knew she had some +kind of undefined feeling, which, given time and occasion, might +develop into something more lasting; but I had no idea this vague +feeling dared to wish or expect something. It suddenly struck me that +the announcement of her departure was prompted by a desire to find out +how I would receive the news. I received it very coolly. A love like +mine for Aniela ought to teach compassion; yet Clara's sadness and the +mention of her departure, not only did not move me, but seemed to me +an audacious flight of fancy and an insult to me. + +Why? Not from any aristocratic notions; that is certain. I could +not account at once for the strange phenomenon; but now explain it +thus,--the feeling of belonging to Aniela is so strong and exclusive +that it seems to me that any other woman wanting but one pulsation of +my heart endeavors to steal something that is Aniela's property. This +explanation is sufficient for me. No doubt, by and by I shall bid +Clara good-by, and feel as friendly as ever towards her; but the +sudden announcement of her departure gave me a distaste for her. It is +only Aniela who may with impunity trample on my nerves. Never did I +look at Clara so critically and resentfully; for the first time +I became fully aware of the amplitude of her figure, the bright +complexion, the dark hair, and blue, somewhat protruding eyes, the +lips like ripe cherries,--in brief, her whole beauty reminded me of +the cheap chromo-lithographs of harem beauties in second-class hotels. +I left her in the worst of humors, and went straight to a book-shop to +select some books for Aniela. + +For a week I had been thinking what to choose for her reading. I did +not wish to neglect anything, though I did not attach undue weight +to this, as it acts very slowly. Besides, I have noticed that to +our women, though their imagination is more developed than their +temperament, a book is always something unreal. If it falls even into +the hands of an exceptionally susceptible person, it creates in her +at the most an abstract world, that has no connection with real life +whatever. To almost none of them it occurs that ideas taken from books +can be applied to any practical purpose. I am convinced that if a +great writer tried to prove, for instance, that purity of thought and +mind were not only superfluous in a woman, but even blameworthy from +a moral point of view,--Aniela would opine that the principle might +apply to the whole world with the exception of herself. The utmost I +can hope for is that the reading of appropriate books will render her +familiar with a certain kind of broad views and thoughts. That is all +I wish for. Loving her from my whole soul, I want her to respond to +that love, and do not neglect any means towards that end. I, who never +deceive myself, confess openly that I want Aniela to sacrifice for me +her husband, but I do not want to corrupt her or to soil her purity. +Let nobody tell me that this is a sophism, and that the one includes +the other. The tormenting devil that is always within me raising +difficulties says: "You create new theories; the way of faithlessness +_is_ the way of corruption." How these conflicting thoughts tear me +to pieces! I reply to the familiar spirit: "I might doubt opposite +theories quite as much; I contrive what I can in defence of my +love,--it is my natural law." And there is a greater law still, the +law of love. Some feelings are mean and commonplace, others lofty and +full of nobility. A woman that follows the call of lofty feeling does +not lose the nobility of her soul. Such a great, exceptional love I +try to awake in Aniela, and therefore I may say conscientiously that I +do not want to corrupt her. + +Besides, these inward arguments do not lead to anything. Even if I had +not the slightest doubt that I am doing wrong, if I were unable to +give any conclusive answer to the tormenting spirit, I would not cease +loving; and always following where a greater power leads me, I should +go according to my feeling, and not according to abstract reasoning. + +But the true misfortune of those analytic and hyper-analytic modern +people is that, though not believing in the result of their analysis, +they have the invincible habit of inquiring into everything that goes +on within themselves. It is the same with me. For some time I have +been questioning myself how it is possible that a man absorbed by a +great feeling should be able to be so watchful, so calculating about +ways and means, and to account for everything as if somebody else did +it for him. I could reply to it in this way: The man of the period +reserves above everything part of himself to observe the other +part. Besides, the whole activity of a mind full of forethought, of +reflections apparently cool, stands eventually in proportion to the +temperature of the feeling. The hotter this grows, the more cool +reason is forced into service. I repeat, it is a mistake to represent +love with bandaged eyes. Love does not suppress reason, as it does +not suppress the breathing, or the beating of the heart,--it only +subjugates it. Reason thereupon becomes the first adviser, the +implement of war,--in other words, it plays the part of an Agrippa to +a Caesar Augustus. It is holding all the forces in readiness, leads +them into war, gains victories, and places the monarch on the +triumphal car; it erects finally,--not a Pantheon, like the historical +Agrippa,--but a Monotheon, where it serves its only divinity. In the +microcosm called man, the part reason plays is a still greater one +than that of chief commander,--for it reflects into infinite parts the +consciousness of everything and of self,--as a collection of properly +arranged mirrors reflect a given object infinitely. + + +1 June. + +Yesterday I received news from Gastein. The rooms for Pani Celina and +Aniela are ready. I sent them the particulars, together with a parcel +of books by Balzac and George Sand. To-day is Sunday, and the first +day of the races. My aunt has arrived from Ploszow and taken up her +abode with me. That she went to the races is a matter of course, +she is altogether absorbed in them. But our horses, Naughty Boy and +Aurora, which arrived here two days ago with the trainer Webb and Jack +Goose, the jockey, are on the list for Thursday; therefore my aunt's +attendance at the Sunday races was merely a platonic affair. The +goings on here are past all description. The stables have been +converted into a kind of fortress. My aunt fancies the jockeys of +other racing studkeepers shake in their shoes at the very mention of +Naughty Boy, and are ready to use every means to prevent his running; +consequently in every orange boy or organ grinder that comes into the +yard, she sees an enemy in disguise, bent upon some evil practice. The +Swiss porter and the servants have strict orders to keep an eye upon +everybody that comes in. In the stables, the precautions taken are +still stricter. The trainer Webb, being an Englishman, remains +impassive, but the unfortunate Jack Goose, a native of Burzany, and +whose name is a literal translation from the Polish Kuba Gonsior, +fairly loses his head; my aunt scolds him and the grooms, natives also +of Burzany, whenever she fancies things are going wrong. She was so +much at the stables that I did not see much of her, and only when +departing she told me that Aniela was to come for the races. I suppose +Pani Celina consented to this in order to please my aunt; besides, she +can very well remain alone for one day, with the doctor and the maids +to look after her. Aniela, who is walled up at Ploszow day after day, +really wants a little change. For me this is joyful news indeed. The +very thought that she will be under my roof has a singular charm for +me. Here I began to love her and maybe her heart kept beating a little +faster after that entertainment my aunt gave here in her honor. +Everything here will remind her of the past. + + +2 June. + +It is fortunate I did not have the rooms altered to suit a museum. I +have an idea to give a dinner-party after the races. In this way I +shall be able to keep her here a few hours longer,--and besides, she +will understand that it is all for her. + + +3 June. + +I ordered a cartload of plants and flowers to put along the staircase +and in the rooms. Aniela's room remains exactly as it was when she +occupied it. I suppose the ladies will arrive in the morning and +Aniela will want to change her dress. I had a large mirror put there, +and every requisite for a lady's toilet. Aniela will meet everywhere +proofs of thoughtfulness, memory, and faithful love. Only now, while +writing, it strikes me how much easier I feel when occupied with +something, when outward activity takes me out of the enchanted circle +of reflection and pondering over myself. Even driving nails into +the wall for the pictures of the future museum would be better than +twisting one idea around another. Why cannot I be a simple-minded man? +If I had been that in times gone by I should be now the happiest man +in the world. + + +4 June. + +I went to-day to invite the Sniatynskis and several other people to +dinner. Sniatynski has spread the news of my founding a museum for the +public, and I am at present the hero of the day. All the papers write +about it, improving the occasion as usual by pitching into those that +waste their substance abroad instead of doing good to the country. +I know their style so well, and it amuses me. There are the usual +phrases about a citizen's duties and "noblesse oblige," but it suits +my purpose. I gathered the whole packet to show my aunt and Aniela. + + +5 June. + +The races have been fixed a day sooner because of to-morrow's holiday. +Aniela and my aunt arrived this morning with a maid and sundry boxes +containing their racing toilets. The first glance at Aniela filled me +with terror. She does not look well at all; her face is wan and +has lost its former warm color; it seems smaller too, and there is +something misty about her that reminds me of Puvis de Chawannes' +figures. My aunt and her mother do not notice it, because they see her +every day; but to me, after the absence of a few days, the change is +very remarkable. I am seized with contrition and sincere pity. It is +evident that the inward struggle is telling upon her. If she would +only end it, and follow the dictates of a heart that is mine,--a +hundred times mine and pleads for me,--all her troubles would +cease and happiness begin. I am getting deeper and deeper into the +quicksands. It seemed to me that I knew her so well; every detail and +every feature stands out before my eyes when I do not see her, and yet +when I meet her, after a few days' absence, I discover a new charm, +and find something new I like in her. How she satisfies my every +taste, and I am deeply conscious that she is my type,--my only +affinity. This consciousness gives me a belief, half mystic, half +approaching the natural hypothesis, that she was meant for me. When +hearing the sound of wheels, I ran down to meet her, and again had the +sensation one might call falling under the spell; again the reality +seemed to me more perfect than the picture I carry in my heart. She +was dressed in a dust-cloak of Chinese silk; a long gray veil was +twisted round her hat and tied under her chin, and from amid that +frame the dear face, always more like a girl's than a married woman's, +smiled at me. Her greeting was more cheerful and more frank than +usual; it was evident the morning drive and the prospect of a little +pleasure had brightened her spirits; this filled me with delight. I +thought, "She is glad to see me again, and Ploszow appears to her dull +and empty without me." I offered one arm to my aunt and the other to +Aniela, as the staircase is wide enough for three persons, and led +them upstairs. At the sight of all the plants and flowers she uttered +a little cry of wonder. + +"It is my surprise," I said. + +I pressed her arm slightly, so slightly that it might have passed for +an accidental movement, and then turning to my aunt, said:-- + +"I am giving a dinner in honor of the Ploszowski success." + +My aunt was deeply gratified with my belief in that event. Ah! if she +knew how little I care for Naughty Boy, and all the races the Ploszow +horses might win on all the race-courses of Europe. Aniela evidently +guessed something of this, but she was in such spirits that she only +cast a passing glance at me, and bit her lips to hide a smile. + +I well-nigh lost my head. In the covert smile I saw a shade of +coquetry I had never noticed there before. It is impossible, I +thought, that she should have no vanity whatever, and not feel +flattered in the least, on perceiving that all I am doing is done +through her and for her sake. + +My aunt divested herself of her travelling-wraps, and without delay +went to inspect Naughty Boy and Aurora, and I showed Aniela the list +of the invited guests. + +"I tried to bring together people you like; but if there is anybody +else you would like to have, I will go myself, or send an invitation." + +"Show it to aunty;" replied Aniela, "let her decide." + +"No; aunty will sit at the head of the table, and we shall go to her +with our congratulations or condolences, as the case may be; but the +part of lady of the house I have assigned to you." + +Aniela blushed a little, and, trying to change the conversation, +said:-- + +"Leon, I do hope Naughty Boy will win; aunty has set her heart upon +it, and will be so vexed if it should turn out otherwise." + +"I have won already, because I have as guest under my roof a certain +small person who is sitting opposite me." + +"You are making fun; but I am really anxious about it." + +"My aunt," I replied, more seriously, "will have some compensation if +she loses. My collections will be in Warsaw in a few weeks, and this +has been the dearest wish of her life. She always tried to make my +father give them to the town. All the papers are full of it, and +praise me to an extent you have no idea of." + +The dear face lit up with pleasure. + +"Show me; read it to me," she said eagerly. + +I had a desire to kiss her hands for that glimpse of brightness. It +was a new proof. If I were indifferent to her, would she rejoice so +much when I am praised? + +"Not now," I replied. "I will read it when my aunt comes back, or +rather she must read it, and I will hide my blushes behind you; you, +at least, shall not see how foolish I look." + +"Why should you look foolish?" + +"Because the thing is not worth all the fuss, and if there be any +merit in it, it is yours, not mine. They ought to praise you. I would +give a good deal if I could tell those journalists: 'If you think well +of it, go _en masse_ and kneel at certain little feet and pour out +your gratitude there!'" + +"Leon! Leon!" interrupted Aniela. + +"Now do not say a word, lest I should feel tempted to divulge the +great secret." + +Aniela did not know what to say. The words were those of a man in +love; but the tone was so playful and jesting that she could not +possibly receive them in a tragic spirit. + +I was glad I had discovered a way by which I could convey a deeper +meaning without absolutely frightening her. But I did not take too +much advantage of it, and presently, in a more serious tone, began +telling her about the projected changes in the house. + +"The whole story is to be given up to the collections, with the +exception of the room in which you lived last winter. This remains as +it was. I have only permitted myself to adorn it a little for your +reception." + +Saying this I led her to the door. Standing on the threshold she +exclaimed with astonishment:-- + +"Oh, what lovely flowers!" + +I said in a low voice:-- + +"And you the most lovely among them!" + +Then added, earnestly:-- + +"You believe me, Aniela, if I tell you that it is in this room I wish +to die some day!" + +Oh, how much sincerity there was in these words. Aniela's face grew +misty; all the radiance had gone. I saw that my words had touched a +chord, as all words do that come from the depth of the soul. For +a moment her whole body swayed as if some inward power pushed her +towards me. But she resisted still. She stood before me, her eyes +veiled by the long lashes, and said, with mournful dignity:-- + +"Let me be at ease with you, Leon; do not sadden me." + +"Very well, Aniela; I will not say anything more; here is my hand upon +it." + +I gave her my hand, and she pressed it warmly, as if by that pressure +she wanted to say all she forbade her lips to utter. It indemnified me +for all I had suffered, and almost made me stagger on my feet. For +the first time I felt distinctly that I was taking for my own this +being,--body and soul. It was a sensation of such immeasurable +happiness as to cause me almost pain. New, unknown worlds began +to open for me. From this moment I grew quite convinced that her +resistance was only a question of time. + +My aunt returned from the stables in excellent humor; no attempt had +been made upon Naughty Boy's precious health. The trainer, Webb, to +all inquiries, had the same answer,--"All right." Jack Goose was +animated by the boldest spirit. We went to the window to see the +future conquerors come from the stables; for it was time they went to +the Mokotoff Field, there to pace around until their turn arrived. +A few minutes later we saw the grooms leading them into the yard, +encased from top to bottom as in a pillow-slip. Only the soft eyes +were visible through the slit; and from below, the shapely feet that +seemed wrought in steel. They were followed by Webb and our little +home-bred Englishman, Jack Goose, in a new overcoat, which concealed +his silks and jockey-boots. I called out to him through the open +window:-- + +"Mind, and don't get beaten, Kuba!" + +He raised his cap, and pointing with it at Naughty Boy, replied in the +purest, not London, but Bursany, dialect:-- + +"Bedom prosz jasnie hrabiego widzieli, ale ino jegozad." (They will +see him, my lord, but only his hind-quarters.) + +We sat down to a hurried lunch; nevertheless my aunt had time to read +what the papers had to say about the future museum. It is strange how +sensitive women are to public applause for their nearest mankind. My +aunt fairly beamed at me through her spectacles, and was incomparable +when she now and then, interrupting the reading, glanced keenly at +Aniela, and then said in her most dogmatic tone:-- + +"They do not exaggerate the least bit. He was always like that." + +Praise heaven there was not another sceptic mind present, otherwise I +should have looked foolish indeed. + +It was time for the ladies to dress. Before leaving the room my aunt +turned to me and said with the most innocent expression of face:-- + +"We must be quick, for I promised to call for Panna Zawilowski; she +was going with her father, but as he is suffering from an attack of +gout I shall have to chaperon her." + +With this she went to her room. We looked at each other, Aniela and I; +the corners of her mouth twitched with merriment. "Aniela, it is a new +matrimonial scheme, what shall I do?" She put a finger to her lips +in warning that I spoke too loud, and disappeared within her room; +presently the lovely head peeped out through the half-open door. + +"I just remembered you have not asked Miss Hilst," she said. + +"No, I have not asked her." + +"Why?" + +"Because I love her on the sly," I retorted, laughing. + +"Seriously, why did you not invite her?" + +"If you wish I will invite her now." + +"It is as you wish," she replied, and disappeared again. + +But I preferred not to invite Miss Hilst. + +An hour later we were driving in the Belvederski Avenue. Aniela wore a +cream-colored dress trimmed with lace. I have such a knack of saying +with my eyes what my lips must not utter, that Aniela read in them +my rapture. I recognized it in her face, that looked half-pleased, +half-vexed. We stopped on the way before the Zawilowski villa, and +before I had time to ring, the door opened, and Panna Zawilowska +herself came out. She stood before me a vision in silver gray, rather +a cold vision, as she barely nodded to me before going to my aunt. +She is rather plain than pretty,--a blond with steely blue eyes and +studied manners. She is considered a very pattern of distinction, and +with good reason; that is, if distinction means the same as stiffness. +Her treatment of me is as cold as her eyes, too cold even to be quite +natural. If this is a method adopted on purpose to chafe my vanity, it +is very foolish, for it only bores me, and does not provoke me in the +least. I am rather glad of it, as it permits me to pay her only such +attentions as simple politeness exacts. + +To-day I paid her a little more attention; she served me in fact as +a screen to avert any suspicion from Aniela. Presently we drove on +again, but very slowly, as in front and in rear as far as the eye +could reach, all sorts of vehicles were moving in the same direction. +Before us and behind, there was a perfect stream of sunshades; the +various colors of which shone in the sun and created a warmly tinted +shadow from beneath which peeped forth, women's heads with delicate +and refined features. There was the average number of pretty faces, +but they expressed a want of temperament. I did not even see it in the +financial world, which, besides many other things, puts on temperament +rather than possesses it in reality. Among the carriages not a few +displayed considerable taste, and the bright toilets changing and +gleaming in the sun on a background of green trees, the crowds of +fine people and fine horses gave the whole show a highly civilized +appearance, not lacking either in picturesqueness. I was glad to see +Aniela pleased with the motion and turmoil. Replying to my casual +remarks she looked at me with gratitude as if it were I that had +arranged it all for her pleasure. Sitting opposite, I could look at +her without constraint, but I turned oftener towards Panna Zawilowska, +from whom blew a cold air, as from a decanter of iced water, which +began to amuse me; her words and manner seemed to imply that she +agreed to my society, because politeness did not permit her to do +otherwise. I treated her with a certain good-humored courtesy that +seemed to irritate her not a little. + +We arrived at last on the Mokotoffskie Pola. There was a reserved +place near the grand stand for my aunt's carriage, and presently +various acquaintances with tickets stuck on their hats came up and +congratulated her upon the promising appearance of Naughty Boy. One of +the greatest horsebreeders said to her that the horse was a splendid +animal, though not sufficiently trained; but as the turf was soft from +yesterday's rain, a strong animal like Naughty Boy stood a fair chance +of coming in a winner. + +It seemed to me that he spoke a little ironically, which made me feel +uneasy. Naughty Boy's defeat would spoil the day for my aunt, and +indirectly for me, too, as her bad humor would damp our pleasure. In +the mean while I looked around me at the field, and searched for known +faces. The race course was thronged with people. The grand stand +looked like a dark, compact mass, relieved by bright female toilets. +The course was surrounded by rows after rows of spectators; even the +town walls were alive with them. On either side of the grand stand +stood a long line of carriages; each separately looked like a +flower-basket. Not very far from where I stood I became suddenly aware +of a pink face and aggressive little nose that could not belong to +anybody but Pani Sniatynska. I went up to her and she told me her +husband had just left her to look for Miss Hilst; and then, almost in +one breath, asked me how my aunt was, whether Aniela was at the races, +how the ladies would manage their journey to Gastein since Pani Celina +could not walk, whether I thought Naughty Boy would win the race, and +what we would do if he lost, and how many people had I invited to +dinner. While standing near her carriage I noticed what a sweet +expression her face has, and the pretty foot that peeped forth from +the carriage; but as to answering all the questions, I should have to +borrow Gargantua's mouth, as Shakspeare says. Replying to one or two +of the questions and saying I hoped to see her after the races, I +followed Sniatynski's track in search of Clara. I found her carriage +not far from my aunt's. Clara looked like a hill covered with +heliotrope blossoms. I found her surrounded by a host of admirers and +artists, conversing gayly with them. Her face clouded when she saw me, +and my reception was of the coolest. A friendly word from me would +have changed all that, but I remained cold; after a quarter of an +hour's polite and ceremonious conversation, I went farther, exchanging +here and there a few words with people I knew, and then turned toward +our own carriage. The first two races had taken place, and Naughty +Boy's turn came at last. + +I looked at my aunt; the expression of her face was very solemn; she +evidently tried her best to keep cool. On the contrary, Aniela's face +showed evident uneasiness. We had to wait some time before the horses +came out, because the weighing lasted unusually long. Suddenly +Sniatynski came running up, gesticulating with both hands, and showing +some bits of paper. + +"I have put a pot of money on Naughty Boy," he exclaimed; "if he +betrays me, I shall have to throw myself upon your well-known +charity." + +"I trust--" began my aunt, with all her dignity. + +But she did not finish her sentence, as at this moment from amid the +dark mass of people there rose the varicolored caps and silks of the +jockeys. The horses were slowly trotting along. Some of them, finding +themselves in the open, quickened their pace; others followed more +leisurely. At the start they passed us in a group and not very fast, +so as to save their horses' strength, the race being a double one. But +at the second turn they were drawn out in a line. It looked as if the +wind had scattered the petals of some flowers along the road. The +first was a jockey in white, closely followed by another in pale blue +and red, then two together, one in red, the other in red and yellow; +our Kuba in orange and black was last but one, followed by a jockey +in white and blue. This order did not last long. When the horses had +reached the other side of the course, there arose some commotion in +the carriages. The more excited ladies climbed up on the seats so as +not to lose the least part of the race; their example was followed by +my aunt, who evidently could not sit still any longer. + +Aniela offered her place to Panna Zawilowska, who, after some +ceremonious protests, accepted it; and I helped Aniela to the back +seat, and, as she had nothing to hold on by, offered her my hand. I +confess that I did not think of the race so much as of the dear little +hand that rested so trustingly in mine. + +My aunt's back obscured the view a little; but raising myself on +tiptoe, I swept the whole field with my eyes, and saw the jockeys +drawing near the curve of the other side. Seen from this distance, +they looked like bright-colored beetles flying through the air; the +motion appeared slow, and the throwing out of the horses' fore and +hind legs almost mechanical. But in spite of the apparent slowness, +they cleared the ground very swiftly. + +The order of the riders was changed again. The white was still +leading, followed by the red; but our Kuba was third now. The others +remained behind, and the distance between them grew wider every +moment. Naughty Boy was evidently not the worst among them. For a +moment I lost sight of him, and presently saw him again as they passed +us. The red was close upon the white, and Kuba gaining ground. I now +observed for the first time that the white would have no chance, as +the horse's flanks shone with moisture, as if water had been poured +over him. It was clear the race would lie between the red and orange +and black. At the worst, Naughty Boy would be second, and the defeat +not so complete. What inspired me with confidence was the horse's +pace; he threw out his legs so evenly, as if he performed a daily +task. The spectators' excitement became greater every moment. + +"Has Naughty Boy lost?" asked Aniela, in a low, excited voice, seeing +the order in which the horses came past the stand. + +"No, dear; they have still another round," I replied, pressing her +hand slightly. She did not withdraw her hand; it is true that her +whole attention was absorbed in the race. When the horses came to the +other side, Kuba was second, the white was so exhausted that he had to +fall back, and the three following riders came up to him. It was now a +race between the two, and there were only five or six lengths between +them. Suddenly a loud murmur from the stand told us that something +unusual had happened; Kuba was coming up to his adversary. The murmurs +on the stand grew into a tumult. Aniela was so carried away by +excitement that she squeezed my hand nervously, and asked every +moment, "What are they doing now?" The riders were on the left side of +the field. The red, by the help of his whip, had gained a little; +but presently Naughty Boy almost touched him with his nose. In this +furious pace they came both on a line with the stand, where we lost +sight of them again. The struggle would be over now in a few seconds. +On the stand there was a momentary silence, which suddenly changed +into loud, prolonged cheering. Many people were running along the +lines which hide the road, and at this moment we saw the red nostrils; +the horse's head, stretched out like a cord, orange and black, was +carried along as if by a hurricane. The bell rang on the grand +stand,--the victory was ours. + +The red had lost by a dozen lengths. + +I must say for my aunt that she never lost her self-possession. Nobody +but me noticed the few drops of perspiration which stood on her +forehead; she fanned with her pocket-handkerchief. Aniela was excited, +amused, and happy. We both congratulated our aunt; even Panna +Zawilowska said a few French sentences, stiff and proper, as if taken +from a copy-book. Presently a crowd of acquaintances thronged around +our carriage, and my aunt's triumph was complete. + +I was also intoxicated, but by something quite different; namely, +the pressure of Aniela's hand. In vain I said to myself that it was +nothing but the excitement of the moment; because it occurred to me +that a woman's resistance often passes a crisis in such moments of +exaltation, when carried beside herself by some amusement, beautiful +view, or other circumstance different from the even tenor of every-day +life. Then a certain relaxation of the nerves takes place, in presence +of which a loss of the usual balance is easily explained. Taking +into account this special state of Aniela's mind, I arrived at the +conclusion that she did not fight against her feeling any longer; and +I resolved to put an end to it. + +I suppose at Ploszow there will be no difficulty about a chance. We go +back to-morrow. To-day's entertainment, the dinner, the conversation, +and the excitement are so many drops of narcotic. She does not +even suppose what happiness there is in store for us; but she must +surrender her soul to me, wholly and unconditionally. + +Though my aunt had notified Pani Celina that we might remain at Warsaw +until the next day, we really intended going back after dinner,--when +something occurred that prevented our starting. Dinner and tea +afterwards lasted until ten o'clock. When the last of our guests had +departed somebody came to tell my aunt that Naughty Boy had been taken +ill. There was a great confusion. The vet was sent for in a hurry, but +it was midnight before he arrived. My aunt would not think of going so +late as that. + +Aniela wanted to go very much, but knew I would have to go with her; +and she is still afraid of me. My aunt told her she would only rouse +the whole house, disturbing thereby her mother, and wound up by +saying:-- + +"Leon does not mind my looking at his house as my own; consequently +you are my guest. It would be the same if I gave up Ploszow to him; I +should live there, and you with me,--at least, so long as Celina has +not recovered her health." + +And finally Aniela had to remain. + +It is now three o'clock in the morning. It is already growing light; +but lanterns are still flitting across the yard near the stables, +where they are busy with Naughty Boy. + +My aunt, when wishing us good-night, announced that she intended to +remain a day longer at Warsaw; whereupon I said that I had left some +papers at Ploszow, and would go and fetch them, and see Aniela home at +the same time. We shall be alone, and I will hesitate no longer. The +blood rushes to my heart at the thought that I shall travel, though +only a short distance, with the dear love close to my heart, and +listen to her confession that she loves me as much as I love her. + +The sky is clouded, and it has begun to rain. A few hours only divide +me from the moment when a new life is to begin for me. Of course I do +not sleep; I could not sleep now for anything in the world. There is +no heaviness on my eyelids,--I write, and recall memories. I still +seem to feel the pressure of her hand on mine. I made that soul, +educated, developed it, and prepared it for love. I am like the head +of an army, who has foreseen all chances, arranged and calculated +everything, and does not sleep on the eve of the day that will decide +his fate. But Aniela sleeps peacefully on the other side of the house; +and even her dreams plead for me, for my love. When I think of this, +all my nerves are vibrating. + +In that ocean of trouble, evil, foolishness, uncertainties, and doubts +we call life, there is one thing worth living for, as certain and as +strong as--nay, stronger than--death; and that is love. Beyond it +there is nothingness. + + +6 June. + +I went with Aniela, and am even now asking myself, "Have I gone mad?" +I did not hold her close to my heart, did not hear an avowal of love. +I was spurned without a moment's hesitation; all her modesty risen +in arms, she reduced me to a mere nothing. What is it? Am I a fool +without brains, or has she no heart? What am I fighting against? What +are the obstacles in my way? Why does she spurn me? My head is in such +a chaotic state that I can neither think, write, nor reason. I only +repeat to myself, over and over again, "What is it that bars my way?" + + +7 June. + +I have made an enormous mistake somewhere; there is something in +Aniela I have not observed or taken into account. For two days I have +tried to understand what has happened to me, but my head was in such a +whirl that I could not think. Now I am collecting my thoughts, pulling +myself together to look the situation in the face. It would be clear +enough if Aniela were guarded by a strong love for her husband. I +could understand then the offended modesty and indignation with which +a being, so meek and sweet-tempered usually, spurned me from her feet. +But I cannot even suppose such a thing. I have still enough brains +left to know that it is a mistake to see things too black, as it is +a mistake to see them too rose-colored. Where should her love for +Kromitzki have come from? She married him without love. In the short +time they lived together, he deceived her and sold the land so dear +to both of those women, and injured her mother's health. They have no +child; besides, a child does not teach a woman to love her husband; it +only teaches her to take him into account; it makes her safer,--that +is to say, it strengthens the union of hands, not of hearts. Aniela +besides does not belong to that kind of women to whom love comes +suddenly, as a revelation after marriage; women like that pine more +after their husbands, or more readily take a lover. I speak of all +this in such a matter of fact way that it hurts me; but why should +I spare myself? Finally, I am convinced she has no feeling even +approaching to love for Kromitzki,--what is more, does not even +respect him; she does not permit herself to despise him, that is all. +I consider that as proved, otherwise I should be blind. + +Then if her heart at the moment of my return was a _tabula rasa_ I +must have contrived to write something on it, I who managed this in +other conditions, and was more bent on it than I ever was on anything +in my life, who worked upon her feelings of friendship, touched the +chords of pity and memories of the past, not neglecting anything, +considering every trifle, and moreover am possessed of the power a +strong, earnest feeling gives. I take myself by the shoulders: "Man, +whatever you may be, you are not a provincial lion, that considers +himself irresistible to any woman chance throws in his way; have you +not deluded yourself into the belief that she loves you?" + +What speaks in favor of its being a delusion? + +At the first glance, her resistance. + +But I never supposed for a moment that she would not resist. I fancy +to myself any other married woman, desperately in love with another +man; can one suppose she would not resist and struggle against it and +the loved one, until her strength gave way? Resistance is not the +outcome of love, but since those two forces can exist side by side +like two birds in a nest, one does not exclude the other. + +I write this diary not only because it has become my second nature, my +passion, not only because it gives an outlet for my pent-up feelings, +but still more because it gives me a clear view and keeps account of +all that is passing. I read over again the pages where I have written +down my and Aniela's history from the time of my arrival at Ploszow. +I have taken note of well-nigh every glance, every smile and tear, +caught every tremor of her heart; and no! I do not deceive myself, the +analysis is not wrong! Hers were the tears, the words, the glances and +smiles of a woman--maybe unhappy--but not indifferent. I must have +influenced her, made an impression upon her. I am not blind; it tears +my heart day after day to see how her face is getting smaller, the +hands more transparent--and it makes my hair stand on end to think she +is paying out her life in this struggle. But all these are invincible +proofs. Her heart, her thoughts belong to me. For that very reason she +is unhappy--perhaps even more unhappy than I. + +I read over what I wrote a moment ago,--that I did not even suppose +she would not resist. I thought so soon after my return to Ploszow, +but lately and when she was at Warsaw I fancied that I saw signs of +yielding. I was wrong. She did not give way in the least, showed no +sign of pity; my words to which she would not even listen seemed +blasphemy to her. I saw in her eyes sparks of anger and resentment; +she tore away her hands I covered with kisses, and the words: "You +insult me!" were continually on her lips. Her energy daunted me the +more as I had least expected such an explosion of wrath. Ah me! She +threatened to leave the carriage and go on foot in the pelting rain +to Ploszow. The word "divorce" acted upon her as a red-hot iron. I +obtained nothing, nothing, nothing with all my eloquence and audacity; +neither my entreaties nor my love moved her; she took everything as an +insult to her womanhood, spurned my love and trampled on it. To-day +when I see her so meek and sweet-tempered it seems like a horrid +dream, and I can scarcely believe that it is the same woman. I cannot +hide it from myself; I have met with a defeat so complete and decisive +that if I had the strength, or anything else to live for I ought to go +away at once. + +Supposing she does love me, what good can it be to me if that feeling +is to remain for ever imprisoned within her own heart, and never show +itself--either in word or deed? I might as well be loved by Greek +Helen, Cleopatra, Beatrice, or Mary Stuart. Such must be the feeling +which does not desire anything, exact anything, and is sufficient +unto itself. Maybe her heart belongs to me, but it is a faint heart, +incapable of any action. + +Possibly she poses before herself as a lofty soul, sacrificing her +love upon the altar of duty--and pleases herself in that pose. It is a +satisfaction worth doing something for. Be it so! Sacrifice me; but if +you think you sacrifice much in immolating your feeling, and feed your +duty upon it, you are mistaken. I cannot, I cannot either think or +write calmly. + + +8 June. + +A coquette is like a usurer, giving very little and exacting upon it a +high percentage. To-day, as I am growing more composed and can think +again, I must render Aniela justice; she never encouraged me or +exacted anything. What I mistook for a touch of coquetry at Warsaw +was mere joyfulness of a youthful spirit that had shaken itself +momentarily free from all trouble. All that has happened was brought +on by me. I made mistake after mistake, and it is all my fault. + +To know something, and to make it a matter of calculation are two +different things. We account to ourselves for unknown factors which +act upon the soul of a given individual, but in dealing with the same +we generally take ourselves as a point of issue. This happened to me. +I knew, or at least was conscious of the fact, that Aniela and I are +as different from each other as if we were the inhabitants of two +separate planets, but I did not always remember it. Involuntarily I +counted upon her acting in a certain position as I should have acted. + +In spite of the consciousness that we two are the most dissimilar +beings under the sun, as opposite as the poles, I note it down with a +certain surprise, and seem not able to get used to the thought. And +yet it is true. I am a thousand times more like Laura Davis than +Aniela. + +And now I begin to understand why I failed. + +The rock I split against is the want of that which has vanished within +me, thereby freeing my thoughts, but bringing instead of it the mortal +disease that has become my tragedy; it is the catechismal simplicity +of the soul. + +Now I can account for it clearly, perhaps not quite satisfactorily, +for I am of so complex a disposition as to have lost the very instinct +of simplicity. "I hear thy voice, but I see thee not." My spiritual +sight suffers from Daltonian disease and cannot distinguish colors. + +I cannot even understand how any one can accept a principle, however +hallowed by ages, without looking at it from both sides, pulling it to +pieces, into shreds and atoms, until it crumbles into dust and cannot +be put together any more. + +Aniela cannot understand that a principle once considered good, +hallowed by religion, as well as by public opinion, could be +considered otherwise than as a sacred duty. + +It does not matter to me whether she is conscious of it, or it is +instinctive impulse reasoned out by her intelligence, or merely +acquired; it is enough that it has entered her very nature. + +I had a glimpse of it the other day when I spoke about Pani Korytzka's +divorce suit: "You can prove everything, and yet when one does wrong +conscience tells us: 'It is wrong, it is wrong!'" I did not then +attach the importance to these words that belonged to them. In Aniela +there is no wavering, no doubt whatever. Her soul winnows the chaff +from the grain with such precision that there can be no question about +its purity. She does not try to find her own norma, but takes it +ready-made from religion, general moral principles, and clings to +them so strongly that they become her very own, for they permeate her +system. The simpler the differential quality of good and evil, the +more absolute and merciless it grows. In this ethical code there are +no extenuating circumstances. As according to it the wife belongs to +her husband, she who gives herself to another does wrong. There are no +discussions, no considerations, or reflections,--there is the right +hand for the righteous, the left for the sinners, God's mercy above +all,--but nothing between, no intermediate place. + +It is the code of the honest villager, so simple that people like me +do not understand it. It seems to us that human life and human souls +are too complex to find room in it. Unfortunately we have not found +anything to replace it, and consequently we flutter here and there +like stray birds, in loneliness and alarm. + +The greater part of our women still hold fast to that code. Even those +who occasionally stray from it do not permit themselves a momentary +doubt as to its truth and sacredness. Where it begins, reasoning +leaves off. + +The poets erroneously represent woman as an enigma, a living Sphinx. +Man is a hundred times more of an enigma and a Sphinx. A healthy woman +that is not hysterical may be either good or bad, strong or weak, but +she has more spiritual simplicity than man. Forever and all times the +Ten Commandments are enough for her, whether she live according to +their tenets, or through human frailty set them aside. + +The female soul is so dogmatic that I have known a woman whose very +atheism took the form of religion. + +It is strange that this code of the honest villager does not exclude +in women either keen intelligence, a subtle mind, or loftiness of +ideas. Their soul seems to have something of the humming-bird which +flits in and out the thickest shrubs, without getting entangled in +their branches, or touching a single leaf. + +This may be said especially in regard to Aniela. The greatest +subtility of feeling and thought goes hand in hand with the utmost +simplicity of moral ideas. Her Ten Commandments are the same as the +village girls', with the exception that those of the latter are +wrought on coarse linen, and hers on a web as fine as lace. Why do +I discuss this question? Simply because it is a question of my +happiness, almost my life; for I feel that with all my complex and +intricate philosophy of love, I cannot get over the Ten Commandments. +And how can I conquer them, since I do not even believe in that +philosophy, while Aniela's faith in her principles is calm and +unshaken? + +Only the lips that have been drinking at the fountain of doubt opine +that a forbidden kiss is not a sin. A religious woman may be carried +away, as a tree is swept away by a hurricane, by forbidden love, but +she will never acknowledge it. + +Shall I ever be able to carry off Aniela? It is possible that my +present state of despondency and discouragement is only a passing one, +and to-morrow I shall feel more hopeful,--to-day all seems impossible. + +I wrote once in this same diary that in certain families they +inoculate their children with modesty as they inoculate for small-pox. +The rule which says the wife shall belong to the husband, and in which +Aniela believes so firmly, is strengthened by that modesty, so knitted +into her being, so worked into the system, that I could sooner fancy +Aniela cold and lifeless than baring her bosom in my presence. + +And I can still delude myself with the idea that I may expect anything +from her! It is simple idiocy! + +What am I to do then? Go away? + +No; I shall not go away. I will not, and cannot. + +I will remain, and since my love is idiotic, I will do as idiots do. +Enough of systems, calculations, forethought! Let things take their +own way. My former ways did not lead to anything. + + +9 June. + +She is not a bit happier than I am. What I saw to-day confirmed my +suspicion that she is fighting a heavy battle, with nothing to help +her except the truth of her own faith and convictions. + +After the departure of Pan Zawilowski and his daughter, who had paid +us a visit, my aunt, evidently with a certain purpose, began to +enlarge upon the good qualities of Panna Zawilowska. I burst out into +a sudden rage; I was tired, my nerves over-wrought by sleeplessness +and irritated beyond measure. I exclaimed: "Have your way then! If it +be a question of marriage only, and not of happiness, I will propose +to-morrow to Panna Zawilowska. She or somebody else; what does it +matter?" + +Anybody might have seen it was merely irritation, not conviction, that +dictated words I should never have acted upon. But Aniela had grown +very white. She rose and without apparent reason began to unfasten the +cords of the blind with trembling hands. Fortunately my aunt was so +taken aback by the suddenness of my outburst that she did not notice +her. She said something, I did not hear what, as all my attention was +concentrated upon Aniela. It is true that by reasoning I had come to +the conclusion that something must be going on in her heart, but to +reason out a thing and to see it, are two different things. As long as +I live I shall never forget that white face and those trembling hands. +I had now a tangible proof, which, however I might explain it by the +suddenness of my announcement, is still proof enough. Sudden news +either of the death or marriage of anybody that is indifferent to us +does not pale our cheeks. + +I thought a few days ago: "Of what use is it to me that she loves me, +if that love is to remain forever hidden in her breast?" and yet when +I came to read, as I did now, the confirmation of it, my hope rose +at once and all doubts vanished. Again a vision of possible victory +flashed before my eyes,--alas! to be dissolved almost at once into +nothing. My aunt, saying something, went out of the room, maybe to +wipe away a furtive tear at my hardness, and I went up to Aniela. + +"Aniela dear! I would not marry that girl for anything in the world, +but you ought to enter a little in my position. I have troubles enough +to bear, and even here they will not leave me in peace. You know best +that I could never dream of such a step." + +"On the contrary, I should be glad if that happened," she said, with +evident effort. + +"It is not true! I have seen you changing color,--I have seen it." + +"Permit me to go away." + +"Aniela mine! you love me! do not lie to me and to yourself; you love +me!" + +She grew white to her lips. + +"No," she replied quickly; "but I am afraid I might learn to hate +you." + +And with that she left the room. I know that to a woman who fights +with herself, a bitter and forbidden love often seems akin to hatred; +and yet Aniela's words staggered me and extinguished the newborn hope, +as one blows out a candle. There are many quite natural things in this +world which we are strong enough to bear but for our nerves. I am +struck by a truth not recognized by me formerly, not recognized +generally,--that love for another man's wife, if only a pastime is +the greatest vileness, and if real, the greatest misfortune that +can happen to any man; the more worthy the woman the greater the +misfortune. I have a burning curiosity within me, very bitter at the +same time, as to what Aniela would do if I said to her: "Either put +your arms round my neck and own that you love me, or I will blow out +my brains here before your eyes!" I know it would be the meanest thing +in the world, and I should never force her hand in that way; no! +whatever I may be, I am not bad enough for that! But I cannot help +thinking, "What would she do?" I am almost certain she would not +survive the shock and the scorn of herself, but she would not yield. +When I think of this I curse her and worship her at the same time; I +hate her and love her more than ever. The worst is I do not see how I +shall ever get out of this enchanted circle. Added to the passion +of the senses this woman wakes in me, I have for her a dog-like +affection. I envelop her with my eyes and thoughts, can never satiate +myself with the sight of her, and at the same time she is the most +desirable of women, and the very crown of my head. No other woman ever +attached me to her so absolutely and in that twofold manner. + +At times this influence of hers over me seems well-nigh incredible; +then again I explain it, and as usual take the worst view of it. I +have lived too quickly, passed already the zenith, and am going down +hill, where it is dark and cold. I feel that in her I could recover my +lost youth, vitality, and the desire for life. If she be lost to me, +then truly nothing remains but to vegetate, and gloominess unutterable +as the foretaste of decay. Therefore I love Aniela with the instinct +of self-preservation,--not with my senses only, not with my soul, but +also from the fear of annihilation. + +Aniela does not know all this; but I suppose she pities me, just as I +torture her, who would give my life to make her happy. And therefore +I say again that the love for another man's wife is the greatest +misfortune, since it leads the man to make her unhappy whose happiness +he would ensure at the cost of his own. The result of this is that we +are both unhappy. But you, Aniela, have at least your dogma to support +you, whereas I am verily like a boat drifting without helm and oar. + +I am not well in health either. I sleep very badly, or rather scarcely +at all. I should like to fall ill and lie unconscious for a month +without memories, without trouble--and rest. It would be a kind of +holiday. Chwastowski examined me yesterday, and said I had the nerves +of a decaying race, but had inherited a fair supply of muscular +strength. I believe he is right; but for that I should have succumbed +ere this to my nerves. Maybe to my very strength I may ascribe this +present concentration of feeling; it had to find an outlet somewhere, +and as it did not find it either in science or other useful work, it +all got absorbed into love for a woman. But owing to my nervous system +it is turbid, stormy, and crooked,--above all, crooked. + +What sensations I pass through every day! Towards evening the dear old +aunt came to me and began to apologize for praising Panna Zawilowska +to me. I kissed both her hands, and in my turn asked her to forgive my +momentary show of temper. She then said,-- + +"I promise never to mention her again. It is true, my dear Leon, I +wish from all my heart to see you married, for you are the last of our +race; but the Lord knows what is best. But believe me, dearest boy, it +is not family pride, but your happiness I am thinking of." + +I soothed her agitation as well as I could, and then said:-- + +"You must not mind me, dearest aunt; I am like a woman,--a nervous +woman!" + +"You a woman?" she said, indignantly. "Everybody is liable to make +mistakes. I only wish everybody had as much intelligence and character +as you; the world would then be quite a different place!" + +Ah, me! how can I dispel these illusions? Sometimes I grow quite +desperate as I say to myself: "What business have I in this house, +among these women who have taken a monopoly for saintliness? For me it +is too late to convert myself to their faith; but how many troubles, +disappointments, misfortunes may I not bring upon them?" + + +10 June. + +To-day I received two letters,--one from my lawyer in Rome, the other +from Sniatynski. The lawyer informs me that the difficulties the +Italian government usually raises at the exportation of art treasures +can be got over, my father's collections being private property and as +such not under government control, and that they could be transported +simply as furniture. + +I shall have to see to the arrangement of the house, which I do +unwillingly, as my heart is not any more in the scheme. What does it +matter to me now, and what is the use of it? If I do not give it up +altogether, it is only because I spread the news about it myself, and +cannot possibly draw back. I have fallen back into that state of mind +which possessed me during my wanderings after Aniela's marriage. Again +I understand nothing, cannot act or look upon anything that has no +direct bearing upon Aniela. The thoughts in which I do not see her +image at the bottom are meaningless to me. It is a proof how far a man +may sink his own self. I read this morning a lecture by Bunge called +"Vitality and Mechanism," and I perused it with exceptional interest. +He demonstrates scientifically that which has been in my mind more +as a dim, shapeless idea than a definite conviction. Here science +confesses scepticism in regard to itself, and, moreover, not only +confirms its own impotence but clearly points to the existence of +another world which is something more than matter and motion, which +cannot be explained either physically or chemically. It does not +concern me in the least whether that world be above matter or subject +to it. It is a mere play of words! I am not a scientist; I am not +bound to be careful in my deductions; therefore I throw myself +headforemost into that open door, and let science prate and say a +hundred times over that all is dark there. I feel it will be lighter +than here. I read with almost feverish eagerness and great relief. +Only fools do not acknowledge how materialism wearies and oppresses +us, what secret fear lurks in the mind lest their science should prove +true, what a dreary waiting for new scientific evolutions, and joy of +the prisoners when they see a small door ajar through which they +may escape into the open air. The worst of it is that the spirit is +already so oppressed that it dares not breathe freely or believe +in its own happiness. But I dared, and had a sensation as if I had +escaped from a stifling cellar. + +Perhaps this is only a momentary relief, for I understand well that +Neo-Vitalism does not form an epoch in science; maybe to-morrow I +shall go back to prison,--I do not know. In the meantime the breath +of air did me good. I said to myself over and over again: "If it be +possible that by way of scepticism one can arrive at the undoubted +certainty of another world, mocking at mechanical explanation, being +absolutely beyond all physico-chemical elucidation, then everything +is possible,--every creed, every dogma, every mysticism! It is +permissible then to think that, as there is infinite Space, there is +also infinite Reason, infinite Good, enfolding the whole universe +as in a vast cloak, under which we may find rest and shelter and +protection. And if so, all is well! I shall know at least why I live +and why I suffer. What an immense relief!" + +I repeat once more that I am not obliged to be timid and wary in my +deductions, and, as I said before, no one is so near mysticism as the +sceptic. I realized it once more in myself when I began spreading my +wings, like the bird which has been caged and delights in its new +freedom. I saw before me endless space covered with new life. I did +not know whether it was on another planet or farther still, beyond the +planetary sphere,--enough that the space was different from ours, the +light brighter and softer, the air cool and full of sweetness; the +difference consisted mainly in the closer union of the individual +spirit with the spirit of the universe; it was so close that it was +difficult to understand where the individual ceased and the universe +began. I felt at the same time it was upon that very dimness of the +boundary that the happiness of this other life rested, as the being +did not live in opposition or exclusion but in harmony with his +surroundings, and thus lived with the whole power of universal life. + +I do not say it was a vision; it was only a crossing of the narrow +boundary beyond which reasoning leaves off and conscious feeling +begins,--a feeling which as yet is only a conclusion of former +premises, but carried so far as to be difficult to grasp, as a golden +thread spun out to its utmost length. Moreover, I did not know how to +incorporate myself with that new life and new space,--how to melt in +it my own self. I had kept to a certain extent my own individuality, +and there was something wanting near me,--something I searched for. +Suddenly I became aware it was Aniela I was searching for. Of course, +only her and always her. What could another life matter to me without +her? I found her at last, and we roamed about together like the shadow +of Paolo with the shadow of Francesca di Rimini. I write this down +because I see in it an almost terrifying proof how far my whole being +has been absorbed by this love. + +What connection is there between Bunge's Neo-Vitalism and Aniela? +Nevertheless, even when thinking of things far removed, it all brings +me back to her. Science, art, nature, life,--all are carried back to +the same denominator. It is the axis around which turns my world. + +This is of great importance to me, for, in presence of all this, is it +possible that I should ever listen to the advice of reason and that +inward monitor that bids me to go away? + +I know it all will end in ruin. But how can I go away; how summon +strength and will and energy when all these have been taken from me? +Tell a man deprived of his legs to go and walk about. On what? And +from myself I add: "Why? whereto? My life is here." + +Sometimes I feel tempted to let Aniela read this diary, but do not +intend to do so. Her pity for me might be increased, but not her love. +If Aniela be ever mine, she will want to look up to me for support, +peace, and immovable faith for both; that is how it ought to be +where happiness is at stake. Here she would find nothing but doubts. +Supposing even she could understand all that has been and is going on +in my mind, there are many things she could not sympathize with. We +are too different from each other. For instance, when I plunge into +mysticism, when I say to myself that everything is possible, even a +future life, I do not shape it according to generally admitted ideas, +and if those general ideas may be called a normal point of view, mine +must needs be an abnormal one. Why? If everything is possible, then +why not a hell, a purgatory, a heaven, or my subplanetary spaces,--and +Dante's vision, which is far greater and more magnificent than mine? +Then why? For a twofold reason. First, because my scepticism, which +poisons itself by its own doubts, as the scorpion poisons itself with +its own venom, is nevertheless strong enough to exclude the most +simple and generally accepted ideas; secondly, I cannot fancy myself +in the Dantean divisions with Aniela,--I do not desire such a life. + +It is only part of myself that writes and thinks, the greater part is +always with Aniela. At this moment I see a streak of light from her +window resting on the barberry bushes. My poor love has sleepless +nights too. I saw her dozing over her needle-work to-day. Seated in +a deep armchair she looked to me so small, and she drew such a long +breath as if from weariness. I had a feeling for her as if she were my +child. + + +11 June. + +They have sent me at last the Madonna by Sassoferrato. I handed it to +Aniela in presence of the elder ladies, as a thing left to her in my +father's will, and so she could not refuse it. Afterwards I hung it up +myself in her little sitting-room, and it looks very pretty there. I +am not fond of Madonnas by Sassoferrato, but this one is so simple and +so serene in its clear shades. I like to think that as often as she +looks at it she will remember that it was I who gave her that relic, +gave it her because I love her. In this way the love she considers +sinful must in her thought be united to holy things. It is a childish +comfort, but he who has no other must be satisfied even with that. + +I had another crumb of comfort to-day. When the picture had been hung +in its place, Aniela came to thank me. As the armchair in which Pani +Celina sits was at the other end of the room, I held for a moment the +hand Aniela was about to withdraw, and asked in a low voice:-- + +"Is it true, Aniela, that you hate me?" + +She only shook her little head, as if in sadness. + +"Oh, no!" she replied quickly. + +This one word expressed so much. It was a way of saying that if the +feeling of the loved woman were always to remain hidden in her breast, +it would be the same as not to be loved at all. No! it is not the +same. Let me have it, if only that. I would not give it up for +anything in the world. If this were taken from me, I should have +nothing to live for any more. + + +12 June. + +I am at Warsaw in consequence of the letter from Sniatynski, received +the day before yesterday, in which he asked me to take part in a +farewell dinner in honor of Clara Hilst. I did not go to the dinner, +which took place yesterday, but said good-by to Clara at the station. +I have just returned thence. The good soul was going away, most likely +disappointed, and with some resentment against me in her heart, but +upon seeing me, forgave me everything, and we parted the best of +friends. I felt too that I should miss her, and that the loneliness +around me would be greater still. On my mystic fields there will be +no farewells. This one was truly sad,--in addition to it the sky was +overcast, and there was a drizzling rain that looked as if it would +last for days. In spite of that a great many people had come to see +the last of the celebrated artist. Her sleeping-car was filled with +bouquets and wreaths like a hearse; she will have to discard them +unless she lets herself be suffocated. Clara, at the moment of +departure, without taking into account what people might think or say, +devoted herself to me as much as the bustle of the place would permit. +I went into her carriage, and we conversed together like two old +friends, not paying any attention to the old and always silent +relative, or to the other people, who at last retired discreetly into +the corridor. I held both Clara's hands, and she looked at me with +those honest blue eyes of hers, and said in a moved voice:-- + +"It is only to you I say it openly, that I never was so sorry to go +away from anywhere as from here. There is no time to say much, with +all these people around us, but believe me, I am sorry to go. At +Frankfurt I meet many people, great artists, scientists; only there is +a difference,--you are like one of the more delicate instruments. As +regards yourself, I will not say anything." + +"You will let me write to you?" + +"I will write too. I wanted to ask you that. I have my music, but it +is not always sufficient now. I think you too will want to hear from +me now and then; though you may have many friends, you have none more +sincere and devoted than I. I am very foolish; anything upsets me, and +it is time to go." + +"We are both wanderers on the earth, you as an artist, I as a +Bohemian; therefore it will not be farewell, but au revoir." + +"Yes, au revoir, and that speedily. You too are an artist. You may not +play or paint, but you are an artist all the same. I saw it the first +moment I met you,--and also that you may seem happy, but are very sad +at heart. Remember there is a German girl who will be always as a +sister to you." + +I raised her hand to my lip, and she, thinking I was going, said +quickly:-- + +"There is still time, they have only rung the second bell!" + +But I really wished to leave. Oh, those wretched nerves of mine! +Clara's companion wore a stiff mackintosh which rustled at her every +motion; and that rustle, or rather swish of the india-rubber, set my +very teeth on edge. Besides, we had only a few minutes left. I stepped +aside to make place for Pani Sniatynska, who came rushing up. + +"Hilst, Frankfurt," Clara called out after me; "at home they will +forward my letters wherever I go!" + +Presently I found myself on the platform under the window of her +carriage, among all those who had come to see her off. Their farewells +and good-bys mingled with the labored breathing of the locomotive and +the shouts of the railway men. The window of the carriage was lowered, +and I saw the friendly, honest face once more. + +"Where are you going to spend the summer?" she asked. + +"I don't know, I will write to you," I replied. + +The panting of the locomotive grew quick, then came the last shrill +whistle, and the train began to move. We gave Clara a loud cheer, she +waved her hands to us, and then disappeared in the distance and the +dusk. + +"You will feel very lonely," said suddenly close to me Pani +Sniatynska's voice. + +"Yes, very," I said, and lifting my hat to her, I went home. And truly +I had the feeling as if somebody had left, who in case of need would +have given me a helping hand. I felt very despondent. Possibly the +gloomy evening, the mist and drizzling rain, in the midst of which the +street lamps looked like miniature rainbow arches, had something to +do with it. The last spark of hope seemed to have died out. There was +darkness not only within me, but it seemed to encompass the whole +world, and weigh upon it as the atmosphere weighs upon us and +permeates all nature. + +I carried home with me a heaviness of feeling and great restlessness +and a fear as if something unknown was threatening me. There woke +up within me a sudden longing for the sun and brighter skies, for +countries where there is no mist, no rain, and no darkness. It seemed +to me that if I went where there was sun and brightness, it would +shield me from some unknown danger. + +Oh, to go away! The entire capacity of my thoughts was filled with +that eager desire. Then suddenly another fear clutched at my heart: if +I went away, Aniela would be exposed to that same impalpable danger +from which I wanted to fly. I knew it was only a delusion of my brain, +and that really my departure would be the best thing for her. Yet +I could not get rid of the sensation that to desert her would be +cowardice and meanness. All my reasoning cannot get over this. +Besides, the going away is only an empty word; I may say it to myself +a hundred times, but if I were to try to change it into fact I should +find it altogether beyond my power. I have put so much of my life in +that one feeling that it would be easier to cut me into pieces than to +part me from it. + +I possess so much control over my thoughts, such a consciousness of +self that it seems to me impossible that I could ever lose my reason. +I cannot even imagine it; but at moments I feel as if my nerves could +not bear the strain any longer. + +I am sorry Clara is gone. I have seen but little of her lately; but +I liked to know that she was not far off; now Aniela will absorb me +altogether, because I give to her that power which rules our likings, +and makes us conscious of friendship. + +When I returned home, I found there young Chwastowski, who had come to +town in order to consult with his brother, the bookseller. They have +some scheme in hand about selling elementary books. They are always +scheming something, always busy, and that fills their life. I have +come to such a pass that I rejoiced to see him as a child that is +afraid of ghosts is glad to see somebody coming into the room. His +spiritual healthiness seems to brace me. He said that Pani Celina +was so much better that within a week she would be able to bear the +journey to Gastein. Oh yes! yes! Anything for a change! I shall push +that plan with all my powers. I will persuade my aunt to go too. She +will do it for my sake, and in that case nobody will be astonished at +my going. There is at least something I desire, and desire very much. +I shall have so many chances of taking care of Aniela, and shall be +nearer to her than at Ploszow. I feel somewhat relieved; but it has +been a terrible day, and nothing oppresses me so much as dark, rainy +weather. I still hear the drops falling from the waterspouts; but +there is a rift in the clouds, and a few stars are visible. + + +12 June. + +Kromitzki arrived to-day. + + +Gastein, 23 June. + +We arrived at Gastein a week ago,--the whole family: Aniela, my aunt, +Pani Celina, Kromitzki, and myself. I interrupted my diary for some +time, not because I had lost the zest for it, nor because I did not +feel the necessity for writing, but simply because I was in a state of +mind which words cannot express. As long as a man tries to resist his +fate, and wages war against the forces that crush him, he has neither +brains nor time for anything else. I was like the prisoner in +Sansson's memoirs, who when they tore his flesh and poured molten lead +into the wounds shouted in nervous ecstasy, "Encore! encore!" until +he fainted. I have fainted too, which means that I am exhausted and +resigned. + +A great hand seems to weigh upon me, as immense as the mountains that +loom up before me. What can I do against it? Nothing but submit and +remain passive while it crushes me. I did not know that one +could find, if not comfort, at least some kind of peace in this +consciousness of impotence and the looking straight at one's misery. + +If only I could keep from struggling against it, and not disturb this +state of quiescence. I could write then about things that happen to me +as if they had happened to somebody else. But I know from experience +that one day does not resemble another, and I am afraid of what the +morrow will bring forth. + + +24 June. + +Towards the end of my sojourn at Warsaw I put down these words: "Love +for another man's wife, if only a pastime, is a great villany, and if +real, is one of the greatest misfortunes that can happen to a man." +Writing this before Kromitzki's arrival, I had not taken into account +all the items which make up the sum of this misfortune. I also thought +it nobler than it really is. Now I begin to see that besides great +suffering, it includes a quantity of small humiliations, the +consciousness of villany, ridicule, the necessity of falsehood, the +doing of mean things, and the need of precautions unworthy of a man. +What a bouquet! Truly the scent of it is enough to overpower any man. + +God knows with what delight I would take such a Kromitzki by the +throat, press him to the wall, and tell him straight in his face, "I +love your wife!" Instead of that I must be careful lest the thought +should enter his mind that she pleases me. What a noble part to play +in her presence! What must she think of me? That too is one of the +flowers in the bouquet. + +As long as I live I shall not forget the day of Kromitzki's arrival. +He had gone straight to my house. Coming home late at night, I found +somebody's luggage in the anteroom. I do not know why it did not occur +to me that it might be Kromitzki's. Suddenly he himself looked out +from the adjacent room, and dropping his eyeglass rushed up with open +arms to salute his new relative. I saw as in a dream that dry skull, +so like a death's-head, the glittering eyes, and the crop of black +hair. Kromitzki's arrival was the most natural thing in the world, and +yet I felt as if I had looked into the face of death. It seemed to +me like a nightmare, and the words, "How do you do, Leon?" the most +fantastic and most improbable words I could have heard anywhere. +Presently such a rage, such a loathing combined with fear, seized me +that it took all my self-control to prevent me from throwing him down +and dashing out his brains. I have sometimes felt such paroxysms of +rage and loathing, but never combined with fear; it was not so much +fear of a living man as horror of the dead. For some time I could not +find a word to say. Fortunately he might suppose I had not recognized +him at first, or was astonished that a man I scarcely knew should +treat me so familiarly. It still irritates me when I think of it. + +I tried to recover myself; he in the mean while readjusted his +eyeglass, and shaking my hand once more, said:-- + +"Well, and how are you? How are Aniela and her mother? Old lady always +ill, I suppose. And our aunt, how is she?" + +I was seized with amazement and anger that this man should mention +those nearest and dearest to me as if they belonged to him. A man of +the world bears most things and hides his emotions, because he is +trained from his earliest years to keep himself under control; +nevertheless I felt that I could not bear it any longer, and in order +to pull myself together and occupy my thoughts with something else, I +called for the servant and told him to get tea ready. + +Kromitzki appeared uneasy that I did not reply at once to his +questions; the eyeglass dropped again, and he said, hurriedly:-- + +"There is nothing wrong, is there? Why don't you speak?" + +"They are all well," I replied. + +It suddenly struck me that my emotion might give the hateful man an +advantage over me, and the thought restored all my self-possession at +once. I led him into the dining-room, asked him to sit down, and then +said:-- + +"How is it going with you? Have you come to make a long stay?" + +"I do not know," he replied. "I was longing for Aniela; and I fancy +she too must have been anxious to have me back again. We have only +been a few months together, and for a newly married couple that is +not much, is it?" and he burst out into one of his wooden laughs. +"Besides," he added, "I have some business here to look after. Always +business, you see." + +Then he began a long-winded harangue about his affairs; of which I +did not hear much, except the often repeated words "combined forces," +observing meanwhile the motion of the eyeglass. It is a strange thing +how in presence of some great calamity small things will thrust +themselves into evidence. I do not know whether this be so with +everybody, but in the present instance the reiterated words "combined +forces" and the shifting of the eyeglass irritated me beyond +endurance. In the earlier moments of the interview I was almost +unconscious, and yet I could count how often that eyeglass dropped and +was put up again. It always used to be thus with me, and it was so +now. + +After tea I conducted Kromitzki to the room he was to occupy for the +night. He did not cease talking, but went on in the same strain while +with the help of the servant he unpacked his portmanteau. Sometimes +he interrupted his flow of words in order to show me some specimens +brought from the East. He undid his travelling straps, unfolded two +small Eastern rugs, and said:-- + +"I bought these at Batoum. Pretty things, are they not? They will do +to put before our bed." + +He got tired at last, and after the servant had gone he sat down in +the armchair, and still continued to talk about his affairs, while I +thought of something else. When we are not able to defend ourselves +from a great misfortune, there is one safety-valve,--we may be able +to grapple with some of its details. I was now mainly busy with +the thought whether Kromitzki would go with us to Gastein or not. +Therefore after some time I remarked:-- + +"I did not know you formerly; but I begin to think that you are the +kind of man to make your fortune. You are not in the least flighty, +and would never sacrifice important affairs for mere sentimentality." + +He pressed my hand warmly. "You have no idea," he said, "how much I +wish you to trust me." + +At the moment I did not attach any special meaning to his words. I +was too much occupied with my own thoughts, and especially with the +reflection that in regard to Kromitzki I had already been guilty of a +lie and a meanness,--a lie, because I did not believe in his business +capacities at all; a meanness, because I flattered the man I should +have liked to kill with a glance. But I was only anxious to induce +him not to go to Gastein; therefore I went deeper and deeper into the +quagmire. + +"I see this journey does not suit you in the least," I said. + +Thereupon, egoist that he is, feeling things only in so far as they +concern himself, he began to grumble at his mother-in-law. + +"Of course it does not suit me," he said; "and between ourselves I do +not see the necessity of it. There is a limit to everything, even to +a daughter's affection for her mother. Once married, a woman ought +to understand that her first duty is toward her husband. Besides, a +mother-in-law who is always there, either in the same room or in the +next, is a nuisance, and prevents a young married couple from drawing +near to each other, and living exclusively for themselves. I do not +say but that love for one's parents is a good thing, if not carried +too far and made an impediment in one's life." + +Once embarked upon that theme he gave expression to very commonplace +and mean sentiments, which irritated me all the more that from his +point of view there was certainly some truth in what he said. + +"There is no help for it," he concluded; "I made a bargain, and must +stick to it." + +"Then you mean to go with them to Gastein?" + +"Yes; I have some personal interest in the journey. I want to enter +into closer relation with my wife's family and gain your confidence. +We will speak of that later on. I am free for a month or six weeks. I +left Lucian Chwastowski in charge of the business, and he is, as the +English say, a 'solid' man. Besides, when one has a wife like Aniela +one wants to stop with her a little while,--you understand, eh?" + +Saying this he laughed, showing his yellow, decayed teeth, and clapped +me on the knee. A cold shiver penetrated to my very brain. I felt +myself growing pale. I rose and turned away from the light to hide my +face, then made a powerful effort to collect myself and asked "When do +you intend going to Ploszow?" + +"To-morrow, to-morrow." + +"Good-night." + +"Good-night," he replied, his eyeglass dropping once more. He put out +both hands, adding: "I am tremendously glad to have the opportunity +to get more acquainted with you. I always liked you, and I am sure we +shall understand each other." + +We understand each other! How intensely stupid the man is! But the +more stupid he is, the more horrible to me is the thought that Aniela +belongs to him, is simply a thing of his! I did not even try to +undress that night. I never had seen so clearly that there may be +situations where words come to an end, the power of reasoning ceases, +even the power of feeling one's calamity,--to which there seems to +be no limit. A truly magnificent life which is given unto us! It is +enough to say that those former occasions when Aniela trampled upon +my feelings, and when I thought I had reached the height of misery, +appear now to me as times of great happiness. If then, if even now, +the Evil One promised me in exchange for my soul that everything +should remain as it was, Aniela forever to reject my love, but +Kromitzki not to come near her,--I would sign the agreement without +hesitation. Because in the man rejected by a woman there grows +involuntarily a conviction that she is like a Gothic tower far out of +his reach, to which he scarcely dares to lift his eyes. Thus I always +thought of Aniela. And then comes a Pan Kromitzki, with two rugs from +Batoum, and drags her from the height, that inexorable priestess, +down to a level with those rugs. What a terrible thing it is, that +imagination can bring it all so clear before us! And how repulsively +mean he is, and how ridiculous withal! + +Where are all my theories, my reasonings, that love is far above +matrimonial bonds,--that I have a right to love Aniela? I still have +my theories, while Kromitzki has Aniela. As the wind is tempered to +the shorn lamb I thought the human being capable of carrying only a +certain weight, and that if more were put upon his back he must needs +break down. In my misery without bounds, and in my equally great +foolishness and degradation, I felt that from the time of Kromitzki's +arrival I was beginning to despise Aniela. Why? I could not justify it +upon any common grounds. "One wife, one husband." This law I know by +heart, like any other fool; but in relation to my own feelings it is a +degradation for Aniela. What does it matter that it does not stand to +reason? I know that I despise her, and it is more than I can bear. +I felt that existence under these conditions would become simply +impossible, and that necessarily there must be some change and the +past be buried. What change? If my scorn could throttle my love, as a +wolf throttles a lamb, it would be well. But I had a foreboding that +something else would take place. If I did not love Aniela I could not +despise her now; therefore my scorn is only another link in the +chain, I understand perfectly that beyond Pani Kromitzka, beyond +Pan Kromitzki and their relation to each other, nothing interests +me,--nothing whatever; neither light nor darkness, war nor peace, nor +any other thing. She, Aniela, or rather both she and her husband, and +my part in their life, are my reason for existence. If for this same +reason I cannot bear my existence any longer, what will happen then? +Suddenly it came upon me, as a surprise, that I had not thought of the +most simple solution of the problem,--death. + +What a tremendous power there is in human hands,--the power of cutting +the thread. Now I am ready. Evil genius of my life, do thy worst; +pile weight upon weight,--but only up to a certain time, as long as I +consent. If I find it too much I throw off the burden! "E poi eterna +silenza," Nirvana, the "fourth dimension" of Zoellner--what do I know? +The thought that it all depended upon me gave me an immense relief. + +I remained thus an hour, stretched out on the couch, thinking how and +when I would do it; and that very abstraction of my thoughts from +Kromitzki seemed to calm me. Such a thing as the taking of one's life +wants some preparation, and this also forced my thoughts into another +groove. I remembered at once that my travelling revolver was of too +small a calibre. I got up to look at it and resolved to buy a new one. +I began to calculate ways and means to make it appear an accident. +All this of course as a mere theory. Nothing was settled into a fixed +purpose. I might call it rather a contemplating the possibility of +suicide than a purpose. On the contrary, I was now certain it would +not come to that soon. Now that I knew the door by which I could +escape I thought I might wait a little to see how far my evils would +extend, and what new tortures fate had in store for me. I was consumed +by a burning and painful curiosity as to what would happen next, how +those two would meet, and how Aniela would face me? I became very +tired, and dressed as I was I fell into a troubled sleep, full +of Kromitzkis, eyeglasses, revolvers, and all sorts of confused +combinations of things and people. + +I woke up late. The servant told me that Pan Kromitzki had gone to +Ploszow. My first impulse was to follow and see them together. But +when seated in the carriage I suddenly felt I could not bear it, that +it would be too great a trial, and might hasten my escape through the +open door into the unknown; and I gave orders to drive somewhere else. + +The greatest pessimist instinctively avoids pain, and fights against +it with all his might. He clutches at every hope and expects relief +through every change. There awoke within me such a desire to make them +go to Gastein as if my very life depended upon it. To make them leave +Ploszow! The thought did not give me rest, and took such possession of +me that I gave my whole mind to its realization. This did not present +great difficulties. The ladies were almost ready to start. Kromitzki +had come unexpectedly, evidently intending to give his wife a +surprise. A few days later he would not have found us at Ploszow. I +went to the railway office and secured places in a sleeping-car for +Vienna; then sent a messenger with a letter to my aunt telling her I +had bought tickets for the following day, as all the carriages were +engaged for the following week, and we should have to go to-morrow. + + +26 June. + +I still linger over the last moments spent at Warsaw. These memories +impressed themselves so strongly on my mind that I cannot pass them +over in silence. The day following Kromitzki's arrival I had a strange +sensation. It seemed to me that I did not love Aniela any longer, and +yet could not live without her. It was the first time I felt this--I +might call it psychical dualism. Formerly my love went through its +regular course. I said to myself, "I love her, therefore I desire +her,"--with the same logic as Descartes employs in the statement, "I +think, therefore I exist." Now the formula is changed into, "I do not +love her, but desire her still;" and both elements exist in me as if +they were engraved on two separate stones. For some time I did not +realize that the "I do not love her" was merely a delusion. I love her +as before, but in such a sorrowing manner, with so much bitterness and +venom, that the love has nothing in common with happiness. + +Sometimes I fancy that even if Aniela were to confess to me her love, +if she were divorced or a widow, I should not be happy any more. I +would buy such an hour at the price of my life, but truly I do not +know whether I should be able to convert it into real happiness. Who +knows whether the nerves that feel happiness be not paralyzed in me? +Such a thing might happen. Really, what is life worth under such +conditions? + +The day before our departure, I went to a gunsmith's shop. It was a +quaint old man who sold me the revolver. If he were not a gunsmith +he might become a professor of psychology. I told him I wanted a +revolver, no matter whose make, Colt's or Smith's, provided it were +good and of a large calibre. The old man picked out the weapon, which +I accepted at once. + +"You will want cartridges, sir?" + +"Yes, I was going to ask you for them." + +"And a case, sir?" he said, looking at me keenly. + +"Of course, a case." + +"That's all right, sir; then I will give you cartridges of the same +number as the revolver." + +It was now my turn to look attentively at him. He understood the +inquiring look, and said:-- + +"I have been in the trade over forty years, sir, and learned something +about my customers. It often happens that people buy revolvers to blow +out their brains. Would you believe it never happens that such a one +buys a case? It is always this way: 'Please give me a revolver.' 'With +the case?' 'No, never mind the case.' It is a strange thing that a man +about to throw away his life should grudge a rouble for the case. But +such is human nature. Everybody says to himself, 'What the devil do +I want with a case?' And that's how I always find out whether a man +means mischief or not." + +"That is very curious indeed," I replied; and it seemed to me a very +characteristic sign. + +The gunsmith, with a slight twinkle in his eye, went on: "Therefore as +soon as I perceive his drift I make a point of giving him cartridges a +size too large. It is not a small thing, the taking away one's life; +it requires a deal of courage and determination. I fancy many a man +breaks into a cold perspiration as he finally says: 'Now for the +revolver! Ah, the cartridges do not fit; the gunsmith made a mistake;' +and he has to put it off until the following day. And do you think, +sir, it is an easy thing to do it twice over? Many a man who has faced +death once cannot do it again. There were some who came the next day +to buy a case. I laughed in my sleeve and said: 'There's your case, +and may it last you a long time.'" + +I note down this conversation because everything relating to suicide +has become of interest to me, and the old gunsmith's words appeared to +contain a bit of philosophy worth preserving. + + +27 June. + +Now and then I remind myself that Aniela loved me, that I could have +married her, that my life might have been made bright and happy, that +it merely depended upon me, and that I wasted all that through my +incapacity for action. Then I put to myself the question: "Is there +any sign of insanity in me, and is it indeed true that I could have +had Aniela forever?" It must be true, for how could I otherwise recall +all the incidents from the time I met her first up to the present +moment? And to think that she might have been mine, and as faithful +and loyal to me as she is to that other one!--a hundred times more +faithful, because she would love me from her whole soul. Innate +incapacity?--yes, that is it. But even if it justifies me in my own +eyes, what matters it to me, since it does not give me any comfort? +The only thought that gives me comfort is that the descendants of +decayed as well as of the most buoyant races have to go the same +way,--to dust and ashes. This makes the difference between the weak +and the strong a great deal less. The whole misfortune of beings like +me is their isolation. What erroneous ideas have our novelists, and +for the matter of that even our physiologists, about the decaying +races. They fancy that inward incapacity must invariably correspond +with physical deterioration, small build, weak muscles, anaemic brain, +and weak intelligence. This may be the case now and then, but +to regard it as a general principle is a mistake and a pedantic +repetition of the same thing over and over again. The descendants of +worn-out races have no lack of vital powers, but they lack harmony +among these powers. I myself am physically a powerful man, and never +was a fool. I knew people of my sphere built like Greek statues, +clever, gifted, and yet they did not know how to fit themselves into +life, and ended badly, exactly through that want of even balance in +their otherwise luxuriant vital powers. They exist among us as in a +badly organized society where nobody knows where the rights of the +one begin and those of another cease. We live in anarchy, and it is a +known fact that in anarchy society cannot exist. Each of the powers +drags its own way, often pulling all the others with it; and this +produces a tragic exclusiveness. I am now suffering from this +exclusiveness, by reason of which nothing interests me beyond Aniela, +nothing matters to me, and there is nothing else to which I can +attach my life. But people do not understand that such a want of even +balance, such anarchy of the vital powers, is a far greater disease +than physical or moral anaemia. This is the solution of the problem. + +Formerly the conditions of life and a differently constituted +community summoned us, and in a way forced us, into action. Now, in +these antihygienic times, when we have nothing to do with public life, +and are poisoned by philosophy and doubts, our disease has grown +more acute. We have come to this at last, that we are not capable of +sustained action, that our vitality shows itself only in sudden leaps +and bounds, and consequently the most gifted among us always end in +some kind of madness. Of all that constitutes life there is only woman +left for us; and we either fritter and squander ourselves away in +licentiousness or cling to one love as to a branch that overhangs a +precipice. As it is mostly an unlawful love we cling to, it carries +within itself the elements of a tragedy. I know that my love for +Aniela must end badly; and therefore I do not even try to defend +myself from it. Besides, whether I resist or submit, it means ruin +either way. + + +28 June. + +The baths and especially the cool, bracing air are improving Pani +Celina's health, and she is growing stronger day by day. I surround +her with every care and think of her comforts as if she were my own +mother. She is grateful for it, and seems to be growing very fond of +me. Aniela notices it, and cannot help feeling a certain regret at +this vision of happiness that might have been ours if things had +turned out differently. I am quite certain now that she does not love +Kromitzki. She is and will be faithful to him; but when I see them +together I notice in her face a certain constraint and humiliation. +I see it every time when he, whether really in love or only showing +himself off as a doting husband, fondles her hands, smoothes her hair +or kisses her brow. She would rather hide herself in the very earth +than be forced to submit to these endearments in my and other people's +presence. Nevertheless she submits, with a forced smile. I smile too, +but as a diversion I mentally plunge my hands into my vitals and +tear them to pieces. At times the thought crosses my mind that this +priestess of Diana is more at ease and less reticent when alone with +her husband. But I do not often indulge in thoughts like these, for I +feel that one drop more and I shall lose my self-control altogether. + +My relation to Aniela is terrible for me as well as for her. My love +shows itself in the guise of hatred, scorn, and irony. It frightens +Aniela and hurts her. She looks at me now and then, and her pleading +eyes say, "Is it my fault?" And I repeat to myself, "It is not her +fault;" but I cannot, God help me, I cannot be different to her. The +more I see her oppressed and hurt, the fiercer becomes my resentment +towards her, towards Kromitzki, myself, and the whole world. And yet +I pity her from my whole heart, for she is as unhappy as I am. But +as water, instead of subduing a conflagration, makes it rage all the +fiercer, so my feelings are rendered fiercer by despair. I treat the +dearest being with scorn, anger, and irony, and thereby hurt myself +far more than I hurt her; for she is capable of forgiveness, but I +shall never be able to forgive myself. + + +29 June. + +That man notices there is some ill-feeling between me and his wife, +and he explains it in a manner worthy of him. It seems to him that +I hate her because she preferred him to me. He fancies that my +resentment is nothing but offended vanity. Truly only a husband can +look upon it in this light. Consequently he tries to make it up to her +by his caresses, and treats me with the kind indulgence of a generous +victor. + +How vanity blinds some people! What a strange creature he is! He goes +every day to the Straubinger hotel, watches the couples promenading on +the Wandelbahn, and with a certain delight puts the worst construction +upon their mutual relations. He laughs at the husbands who, according +to his views, are deceived by their wives; every new discovery puts +him into better humor, and his eyeglass is continually dropping out +and put back again. And yet the same man who considers conjugal +faithlessness such an excellent opportunity for making silly jokes, +would consider it the most awful tragedy if it happened to himself. +Since it is only a question of other people it is a farce; touching +his own happiness it would cry out to heaven for vengeance. Why, +you fool!--go to the looking glass, see yourself as you are, your +Mongolian eyes, that hair like a black Astrachan cap, that eyeglass, +those long shanks; enter into yourself and see the meanness of your +intellect, the vulgarity of your character,--and tell me whether a +woman like Aniela ought to remain true to you for an hour! How did you +manage to get her, you spiritual and physical upstart? Is it not an +unnatural monstrosity that you are her husband? Dante's Beatrice, +marrying a common Florentine cad, would have been better matched. + +I had to interrupt my writing because I felt I was losing my balance; +and yet I fancied myself resigned! May Kromitzki rest easy; I do not +feel that I am any better than he. Even if I supposed I was made of +finer stuff than he, it would be small comfort, since my deeds are +worse than his. He has no need of hiding anything, and I am obliged +to play the hypocrite, take him always into account, conceal my real +feelings, deceive and circumvent him. Can there be anything meaner +than pursuing such a course of action, instead of taking him by the +throat? I abuse him in my diary. Such underhand satisfaction even a +slave may permit himself towards his master. Kromitzki never could +have felt so small as I did in my own eyes when I committed a +multitude of littlenesses, devised cunning plans to make him take +separate lodgings and not stop in the same house with Aniela. And +after all, I gained nothing. With the simple sentence, "I wish to be +near my wife" he demolished all my plans. It is simply unbearable, +especially as Aniela understands every movement of mine, every word +and scheme. I fancy she must often blush for me. All this taken +together makes up my daily food. I do not think I shall be able to +bear it much longer, as I cannot be equal to the situation,--which +simply means: I am not villain enough for the conditions in which I +live. + + +30 June. + +I overheard from the veranda the end of a conversation carried on in +an audible voice between Kromitzki and Aniela. + +"I will speak to him myself," said Kromitzki; "but you must tell your +aunt the position I am in." + +"I will never do it," replied Aniela. + +"Not if such is my wish?" he said sharply. + +Not desirous of playing the part of eavesdropper, I went into the +room. I saw on Aniela's face an expression of pain, which she tried to +hide upon seeing me. Kromitzki was white with anger, but greeted me +with a smile. For a moment an unreasonable fear got hold of me that +she had confessed something to her husband. I am not afraid of +Kromitzki; my only fear is that he may take away Aniela and thus part +me from my sorrows, my humiliations, and torments. I live by them; +without them I should be famished. Anything rather than part from +Aniela. In vain I racked my brain to guess what could have taken place +between them. At moments I thought it probable that she had told him +something; but then his manner towards me would have changed, and it +was if anything even more polite than usual. + +Generally speaking, but for my aversion to the man, I have no fault +to find with him in so far as I am concerned. He is very polite and +friendly, gives way to me in everything as if he were dealing with a +nervous woman. He tries all means to gain my confidence. It does +not discourage him in the least that I meet his advances at times +brusquely or sarcastically, and without much consideration for his +feelings show up his ignorance and want of refined nerves. I do not +miss any opportunity to expose before Aniela how commonplace he is in +heart and intellect. But he is wonderfully patient. Maybe he is so +only with me. To-day I saw him for the first time angry with Aniela, +and his complexion was of the greenish hue of people who are angry in +cold blood and nurse their wrath long afterwards. Aniela is probably +afraid of him, but she is afraid of everybody,--even of me. It is +sometimes difficult to understand how this woman with the temper of +a dove can at a given moment summon so much energy. There was a time +when I thought her too passive to be able to resist me long. What +a disappointment! Her resistance is all the stronger, the more +unexpected it is. I do not know what was the question between her and +Kromitzki, but if she says that she is not going to do what he asks +her, she will shake with fear but will not yield. If she were mine, I +would love her as the dog loves its mistress; I would carry her on +my hands, and not allow the dust to touch her feet; I would love her +until death. + + +1 July. + +My jealousy would be a miserable thing if it were not at the same time +the pain of the true believer who sees his divinity dragged in the +dust. I would abstain even from touching her hand if I could place her +on some inapproachable height where nobody could come near her. + + +2 July. + +I deluded myself as to my state of quiescence. It was only a temporary +torpidity of the nerves, which I mistook for calmness. Besides, I knew +it could not last. + + +3 July. + +Yes, something has passed between them. They hide some mutual offence, +but I see it. For some days I have noticed that he does not take her +hands, as he used to and kiss them in turn; he does not stroke her +hair or kiss her forehead. I had a moment of real joy, but Aniela +herself poisoned it. I see that she tries to conciliate and humor him +as if wishing to restore their former relations. At the sight of this +a great rage possessed me, and showed itself in my behavior to Aniela. +Never had I been so pitiless to her and myself. + + +4 July. + +To-day, returning from the Wandelbahn, I met Aniela on the bridge +opposite the Cascades. She stopped suddenly and said something, but +the roar of the water drowned her voice. This irritated me, for at +present everything irritates me. Whereupon, leading her across the +bridge towards our villa, I said impatiently: "I could not hear what +you were saying." + +"I wanted to ask you," she said, with emotion, "why you are so +different to me now? Why have you no pity upon me?" + +All my blood rushed to my heart at these words. + +"Can you not see," I said quickly, "that I love you more than words +can tell? and you treat it as if it were a mere nothing. Listen! I do +not want anything from you. Only tell me that you love me, surrender +your heart to me, and I will bear anything, suffer anything, and will +give my whole life to you and serve you to the last breath. Aniela, +you love me! Tell me, is it not true? You will save me by that one +word; say it!" + +Aniela had grown as pale as the foam on the cascade. It seemed as if +she had turned to ice. For a moment she could not utter a word; then +making a great effort, she replied:-- + +"You must not speak to me in that way." + +"Then you will never say it?" + +"Never!" + +"Then you have not the least--" I broke off. It suddenly whirled +across my brain that if Kromitzki asked her, she would not refuse him; +and at this thought rage and despair deprived me of all consciousness. +I heard the rushing of waters in my ear, and everything grew dark +before my eyes. I only remember that I hurled a few horrible, cynical +words at her, such as no man should use against a defenceless woman, +and which I dare not put down in this diary. I remember as in a dream +that she looked at me with dilated eyes, took me by the sleeve, then +shook my shoulder, and said, anxiously:-- + +"Leon, what is the matter with you,--what ails you?" + +What ailed me was that I was losing my senses. I tore my hand away and +rushed off in the opposite direction. After a moment I retraced my +steps; but she was gone. Then I understood only one thing: the time +had come to put an end to life. The thought seemed to me like a rift +in the dark clouds that weighed upon me. It was a strange state of +consciousness, in one direction. For the moment all thoughts about +myself, about Aniela, were wiped from my memory; but I contemplated +the thought of death with the greatest self-possession. I knew, for +instance, perfectly well that if I threw myself from the rocks it +would be considered an accident, and if I shot myself in my own room +my aunt would not survive the shock. It was still stranger that, in +spite of this consciousness, I did not feel called upon to make any +choice, as if the connection between my reasoning and my will and +its consequent action had been severed. With a perfectly clear +understanding that it would be better to throw myself from the rocks, +I yet went back to the villa for my revolver. Why? I cannot explain +it. I only remember that I ran faster and faster, at last went up +the stairs into my room, and began to search for the key of my +portmanteau, where the revolver was. Presently I heard steps +approaching my door. This roused me, and the thought flashed through +my mind that it was Aniela, that she had guessed my intention, and +came to prevent it. The door was flung open, and there was my aunt, +who called out in a breathless voice:-- + +"Leon, go quick for the doctor! Aniela has been taken ill." + +Hearing that, I forgot all else, and without hat I rushed forth, and +in a quarter of an hour brought a doctor from the Straubinger hotel. +The doctor went to see Aniela, and I remained with my aunt on the +veranda. I asked her what had happened to Aniela. + +"Half an hour ago," said my aunt, "Aniela came back with such a +feverishly burning face that both Celina and I asked whether anything +had happened to her. She replied, 'Nothing, nothing,' almost +impatiently; and when Celina insisted upon knowing what was the matter +with her, Aniela, for the first time since I have known her, lost her +temper and cried out, 'Why are you all bent upon tormenting me?' Then +she became quite hysterical, and laughed and cried. We were terribly +frightened, and then I came and asked you to fetch the doctor. Thank +God, she is calmer now. How she wept, poor child, and asked us to +forgive her for having spoken unkindly to us." + +I remained silent; my heart was too full for words. + +My aunt paced up and down the veranda, and presently, her arms akimbo, +stopped before me and said,-- + +"Do you know, my boy, what I am thinking? It is this: We somehow do +not like Kromitzki,--even Celina is not fond of him; and Aniela sees +it, and it hurts her feelings. It is a strange thing; he does his best +to make himself pleasant, and yet he always seems like an outsider. It +is not right, and it grieves Aniela." + +"Do you think, aunty, that she loves him so very much?" + +"I did not say very much. He is her husband, and so she loves him, and +feels hurt that we treat him badly." + +"But who treats him badly? I think she is not happy with him,--that is +all." + +"God forbid that you should be right. I do not say but she might have +done better; but after all there is nothing to be said against him. +He evidently loves her very much. Celina cannot quite forgive him the +sale of Gluchow; but as to Aniela, she defends him, and does not allow +anybody to say a word against him." + +"Perhaps against her own conviction?" + +"It proves all the more that she loves him. As to his affairs, the +worst is that nobody knows how he stands; and this is a great source +of trouble to Celina. But after all, wealth is not everything; +besides, as I told you before, I will not forget to provide for +Aniela, and you agree with me, do you not? We both owe her a kind of +duty, not to mention that she is a dear, affectionate creature, and +deserves everything we can do for her." + +"With all my heart, dear aunt; she will be always as a sister to me, +and shall not be in want of anything as long as I live." + +"I count upon my dear boy, and can die in peace." + +Thereupon she embraced me. The doctor, coming towards us, interrupted +our conversation. In a few words he set our minds at rest,-- + +"A little nervous agitation; it often appears after the first baths. +Leave off bathing for a few days, plenty of air and exercise,--that is +all that is wanted. The constitution is sound; strengthen the system, +and all will be well." + +I paid him so liberally that he bowed, and did not put on his hat till +he was beyond the railings of the villa. I would have given anything +if I could have gone immediately to Aniela, kissed her feet, and +begged her forgiveness for all the wrong I had done her. I vowed to +myself that I would be different, more patient, with Kromitzki,--not +revolt any more, nor grumble. Contrition, contrition deep and sincere, +permeated my whole being. How unspeakably I love her! + +Close upon noon I met Kromitzki coming back from a long walk on the +Kaiserweg. I put my good resolutions at once to the test, and was more +friendly with him. He thought it was sympathy because of his wife's +illness, and as such accepted it in a grateful spirit. He and Pani +Celina spent the remainder of the day with Aniela. She had expressed a +wish to dress and go out; but they did not let her. I did not permit +myself even to chafe at that. I do not remember that I ever subdued +myself to the same extent. "It is all for you, dearest," I said +inwardly. I was very stupid all the day, and felt an irresistible +desire to cry like a child. Even now tears fill my eyes. If I have +sinned greatly, I bear a heavy punishment. + + +5 July. + +After yesterday's commotion a calm has set in. The clouds have +discharged their electricity, and the storm is over. I feel exhausted +morally and physically. Aniela is better. This morning we met alone on +the veranda. I put her on a rocking-chair, wrapped a shawl around her +shoulders, as the morning was rather chilly, and said:-- + +"Aniela dear, I beg your pardon from my whole heart for what I said +yesterday. Forgive and forget if you can, though I shall never forgive +myself." + +She put out her hand at once, and I clung to it with my lips. I could +have groaned aloud; there is such a gulf between my love and my +misery. Aniela seemed to feel it too, for she did not withdraw her +hand at once. She too tried to control her emotion, and the feeling +which urged her towards me. Her neck and breast heaved as if she were +strangling the sobs that rose to her throat. She feels that I love her +beyond everything; that a love like mine is not to be met with every +day; and that it might have been a treasure of happiness to last our +whole life. Presently she grew more composed and her face became +serene. There was nothing but resignation there, and angelic goodness. + +"There is peace between us, is there not?" she asked. + +"Yes," I replied. + +"And forever?" + +"How can I tell, dearest? You know best how things stand with me." + +Her eyes again grew misty, and again she recovered herself. + +"All will be well," she said, "you are so good." + +"I, good?" I exclaimed with real indignation; "do you not know that if +you had not fallen ill yesterday I should--" + +I did not finish. I suddenly remembered that it would be mean and +cowardly to use such a weapon against her. I felt all the more ashamed +of my rashness as I saw the troubled eyes looking anxiously into mine. + +"What did you want to say?" + +"I was going to say words unworthy of myself; besides, they have no +meaning now." + +"Leon! I must know what you meant, else I shall have no peace." + +Suddenly a breath of wind blew a lock of her hair into her eyes. I +rose, and with the light, tender touch of a mother, put it back into +its place. + +"Dear Aniela, do not force me to tell what I ought to forget. If it be +a question of your peace of mind I pledge you my word that you need +not have any fear for the future." + +"You promise this?" she asked, still looking intently at me. + +"Yes, most solemnly and emphatically; will that satisfy you, and drive +out any foolish notions from the little head?" + +The postman coming in with a parcel of letters interrupted our +conversation. There was the usual budget from the East for Kromitzki; +only one letter for Aniela, from Sniatynski (I recognized his +handwriting on the envelope), and one for me from Clara. The latter +does not say much about herself, but inquires most minutely what I am +doing. I told Aniela who it was that had written, and she, to show me +that all ill-feeling and constraint had gone, began to tease me. I +paid her back in the same coin, and pointing to Sniatynski's letter +said there was another poor man who had succumbed to little Aniela's +wiles. We laughed and bandied jests for a little time. + +The human soul, like the bee, extracts sweetness even from bitter +herbs. The most unhappy wretch still tries to squeeze out a little +happiness from his woes, and the merest shadow and pretext will serve +his turn. Sometimes I think that this intense longing for happiness is +one proof more that happiness is awaiting us in another world. I am +convinced also that pessimism was invented as a comfort to satisfy a +want, sum up all human misery, and put it into a philosophic formula. +It satisfies our thirst for truth and knowledge, and happiness itself +is nothing but satisfied craving. Perhaps love in itself is such a +source of happiness that even a clouded love like ours is interwoven +with golden rays. Such a ray fell on our path to-day. I had not +expected it, as I had not expected that a man whose desires are +without limits could be satisfied with so little. + +We had scarcely read our letters when Pani Celina, who is now able to +walk without help, came towards us with a footstool for Aniela. + +"Oh mamma!" cried out Aniela, in a shocked voice; "You ought not to do +that." + +"And did you not yourself nurse me night and day when I was ill?" + +I took the footstool from Pani Celina's hands, and kneeling down +before Aniela, I waited until she had put her little feet upon it; and +kneeling thus before her for a second filled me with happiness for the +whole day. It is a fact. A very poor man lives upon crumbs, and smiles +gratefully--through tears. + + +6 July. + +I have a crippled heart, but it is capable of love. It is only now I +fully understand what Sniatynski meant. If I were not a man out +of joint, without an even-balanced mind, poisoned by scepticism, +criticism of myself, and criticism of criticism, if my love were in +harmony with law and principles, I should have found in Aniela the +dogma of my life, and other dogmas, other beliefs, would have come +to me in course of time. Yet I do not know; perhaps I could not love +otherwise than crookedly; and in this lies my incapacity for life. +In short, that which ought to have been my health and salvation has +become my disease and damnation. Strange to say, there was no lack of +warnings. It almost seems as if people had foreseen what would befall +me. I remember constantly the words Sniatynski wrote to me when I was +with the Davises at Peli: "Something must always be growing within +us; beware lest something should grow in you which would cause your +unhappiness, and the unhappiness of those near and dear to you." I +laughed then at the words, yet how true they were. My father, too, +spoke several times as if he had pierced the veil that hides the +future. To-day the remembrance is too late. I know it is useless to +rake up the ashes of the past, but I cannot help it. I am sorry for +myself, but more sorry still for Aniela. She would have been a hundred +times happier with me than with Kromitzki. Supposing even I should +have subjected her at first to analysis, and discovered various +faults, I should have loved her all the same. She would have been +mine, and as such she would have become part of me and entered into +the sphere of my egoism. Her faults would have been my weaknesses, and +we are always ready to make allowance for ourselves, and though we +criticise self we do not cease to care for its well-being. Thus she +would have been dear to me; and as she is infinitely better than I, in +time she would have become my pride, the noblest part of my soul; I +should have found out that criticism, as far as she was concerned, was +out of place; gradually she would have won me over to her pure faith +and wrought my salvation. All that has been wasted, spoiled, and +transmuted into a tragedy for her,--into evil and a tragedy for me. + + +7 July. + +I have been reading what I wrote yesterday, and am struck by what +I said at the end, namely: that the love which might have been my +salvation has become a source of evil. I cannot quite agree with the +thought. How can love for a pure woman like Aniela bring forth evil? +One word explains it,--it is a crooked love. I must own the truth. If +two years ago somebody had told me that I, a civilized man, a man with +aesthetic nerves, and living in peace with the penal code, should +meditate for nights and days how to put out of the world, even by +murder, a man who would be in my way, I should have taken that +somebody for an escaped lunatic. Yet it is true; I have come to that. +Kromitzki shuts out from me the world; he takes from me the earth, +water, and air. I cannot live because he lives; and for that reason I +incessantly think of his death. What a simple and complete solution of +all the difficulties and entanglements his death would be. I thought +more than once that since the hypnotizer can send his medium to sleep, +a more concentrated power would be able to put him to sleep forever. I +have sent for all the newest books about hypnotism. In the mean while +with every glance I say to Kromitzki, "Die!" and if such a suggestion +were sufficient, he would have been dead some time ago. But the whole +result of it is that he is as well as ever, is Aniela's husband, and +I remain with the consciousness that my intention is equally criminal +and foolish, ridiculous, and unworthy of an active man; and it makes +me lose my self-respect more and more. Yet it does not prevent my +trying to hypnotize Kromitzki. + +It is the old story again of the intelligent man who, given up by the +doctors, goes for advice to quacks and wise women. I want to kill my +enemy by hypnotism; and as it only shows my own worthlessness, it is I +who suffer by it. I must also confess that as often as I am alone, I +begin to think of all possible means in human power to put the hateful +man out of the way. For some time I nursed the thought of killing him +in a duel; but this would not lead to anything. Aniela would never +marry the man who had killed her husband; then, like a common +criminal, I began to think of other ways. And what is the strangest +thing of all, I discovered ways which human justice would not be able +to detect. Foolishness! vain thoughts! pure theory! + +Kromitzki need have no fear for his life; thoughts like these will +never be acted upon. I should not kill him if I could do it without +more responsibility than is incurred in crushing a spider; should not +kill him if we two were alone together on a desert island. If one +could divide the human brain as one cuts in two an apple, and lay +bare its thoughts, it would be found that mine is honeycombed with +murderous thoughts. What is more, I am well aware that if I refrain +from killing Kromitzki it is not by reason of any moral principle +contained in the law "Thou shalt do no murder." This law I have +already violated morally. I refrain from killing him because some +remnants of chivalric tradition bar my way; because my refined nerves +would not permit me to commit a brutal deed; in short, I am too far +removed from primitive man to be physically competent to the task, +though morally I slay him every day. And now I ask myself whether, in +presence of a higher judgment, I should be held responsible, as if I +had committed the deed. + +It may be that if one could lay open the human brain, as I said +before, in the most virtuous individual thoughts would be found to +make our hair stand on end. I remember that, when a little boy, there +came upon me a period of such religious fervor that I prayed from +morning until night; and at the same time, in the midst of my pious +transports, there came into my mind blasphemous thoughts, as if an +evil wind had blown them thither, or a demon whispered them into my +ear. In the same way I had irreverent thoughts about persons whom +I loved with all my heart and for whom I would have given my life +without a moment's hesitation. I remember that this, which I might +call a tragedy of childhood, cost me a great deal of anguish. But I +will not dwell upon that now. Going back to blasphemous or criminal +thoughts, I do not think we are responsible for them, as they come +from the knowledge of evil, not from an evil growing within the +organism itself; and for the very reason that it is outward to +ourselves we fancy an evil spirit suggesting the thoughts. Man listens +to it, and being averse to evil, spurns it; and there may be some +merit in this. But with me it is different. The thought of getting rid +of Kromitzki does not come from the outside, but springs from me and +exists within me. I have come down to that morally, and if I do not +commit the deed it is a mere matter of nerves. The part of my inward +Mephistopheles is confined to mocking and whispering into my ear that +the deed would only prove my energy, and not be much of a crime. + +These are the crossways on which I never dreamed of finding myself. +I look into the depths of my own self with amazement. I do not know +whether my exceptional troubles will partly atone for my errors, but +one thing I know, namely: that he whose life cannot find room in +the simple code Aniela and others like her cling to, if his soul is +brimming over and breaks its bounds it must mix with dust and be +polluted in the mud. + + +9 July. + +To-day in the reading-room Kromitzki pointed out to me an Englishman +accompanied by a very beautiful woman, and told me their story. The +beauty is a Roumanian by birth and married a Wallachian bankrupt +Boyar, from whom the Englishman simply bought her at Ostend. I have +heard of similar transactions at least a dozen times. Kromitzki even +mentioned the sum the Englishman had given for her. The story made a +strange impression upon me. I thought to myself, "This is one way, +however disgraceful for the seller and buyer; it is a simple method of +obtaining a desired result. The woman concerned in it need not know +anything about the transaction, and the agreement could be concealed +under decent appearances." Involuntarily I began to apply the idea to +our own situation. Suppose it answered. The whole thing presented +itself to me under two aspects: in regard to Aniela as a horrible +profanation; in regard to Kromitzki, not only as feasible, but at the +same time gratifying my scorn and hatred for him. If he agreed to it, +he would prove himself a villain, and show what kind of man he is, and +what a monstrous thing has been done in giving Aniela to him. I should +then be quite justified in all my endeavors to take her from him. But +would he agree? I said to myself: "You hate him, and consequently +believe him capable of any evil." But thinking of him objectively, I +remembered that the man had sold his wife's property, had deceived +her and Pani Celina, and also that the ruling passion of his life was +greed for gain. It was not I alone who considered him as one wholly +possessed by the gold fever. Sniatynski thought the same, and so do +my aunt and Pani Celina. This kind of moral disease always leads into +pitfalls. I understand that much will depend upon the state of his +affairs. How they stand nobody seems to know, unless it be his agent +Chwastowski. It suddenly struck me that I might get some information +from this same Chwastowski, but that would take some time. Perhaps I +will run over to Vienna and see his brother the doctor, who is working +in the Vienna hospitals; the brothers are sure to correspond with each +other. My aunt thinks that he is not doing as well as he wants us +to believe, and I imagine that he has sunk all his money in +some speculation from which he expects a great profit. Will he +succeed?--that is the question. He himself does not know; hence +his restlessness, and the multitude of letters he sends to young +Chwastowski. In the mean while I will sound him cautiously, lest I +should rouse his suspicions, as to what he thinks of the Boyar who +sold his wife to the Englishman. I do not suppose for a moment that +he will be quite sincere, but I will help him and guess the rest. The +whole sum and substance of this is, that it has put a little more life +into me. There is nothing more horrible than to suffer passively; and +anything that rouses me from my apathy is acceptable. I repeat to +myself, "At least to-morrow and the day after, you will have something +to do to further your plans;" and that promises a transition from +utter passiveness to a feverish activity. I must be doing something; +it is a question of not losing control over my senses. I pledged my +word to Aniela not to attempt my life, and I cannot go on living as I +do. If the road I am taking be ignominious, the ignominy will be for +Kromitzki more than for me. I must and will separate them, not only +for my own sake but also for Aniela's sake. I am really feverish. +Everybody seems to derive some benefit from the bathing except me. + + +10 July. + +There are some hot days even in Gastein. What heat! Aniela is dressed +in white soft flannel, such as English girls wear for lawn-tennis. We +have our breakfast in the open air. She comes from her bath as bright +and fresh as the snow at sunrise. The supple figure shows to great +advantage in the graceful dress. The morning light falls upon her and +shows distinctly every hair on the eyebrows, lashes, and the delicate +down on either side of her face. The hair is glistening with +moisture and looks fairer in this light, and the eyelids are almost +transparent. How young she is, and how intoxicating her appearance! In +her, then, is my life, in her everything I want. I will not go away, I +cannot. Looking at her I seem to lose my senses from intoxication, and +at the same time from pain; for close by her side sits he who is her +husband. It cannot continue thus; let her belong to no one provided +she be not his. She understands to a certain extent what I suffer, but +not altogether. She does not love her husband, but considers it her +duty to live with him. I gnash my teeth at the very thought, for in +admitting his rights she degrades herself; and that is not allowed, +even to her. Far better she were dead. Then she will be mine; because +the lawful husband will remain behind, but not I. By this token I am +more lawfully hers than he is. + +There is something very strange going on within me at times. For +instance, when I am very tired or when my mind is concentrated upon +one point I seem to look into the future, into far-away space which +remains invisible to me in a normal state. Then there comes to me such +a conviction that Aniela belongs to me--that in some way she is or +will be mine--that when I wake up I have to remind myself that there +exists such a man as Kromitzki. Maybe in moments like those I cross +the boundary which separates the living from the dead, and have a +vision of things more perfect, such as the ideals we dream about, +as they might shape themselves in outward form. Why is it these two +worlds are not more in touch with each other? As often as I try to +solve this problem I lose myself; I cannot understand this want of +harmony, but feel dimly that therein lie our imperfection and our +misery. The thought comforts me, for in the ideal world Aniela could +not belong to a man like Kromitzki. + + +11 July. + +Another disappointment, another plan shattered, but I have still hope +that all is not lost. I spoke to-day with Kromitzki about the Boyar +who sold his wife, and invented a whole story in order to discover his +real feelings. We met the Englishman with his purchased wife near the +Cascades. I began by praising her beauty, and then remarked:-- + +"The doctor here told me something about the transaction, and I think +you are a little hard upon the Boyar." + +"Hard upon him? not a bit; he amuses me intensely," he replied. + +"There are extenuating circumstances in the case. He is not only a +Boyar, but the owner of extensive tannery works. Suddenly, because of +the infection, the importation of skins from Roumania was forbidden. +The man recognized that unless he could tide over the time until the +law was repealed he would be ruined, and with him hundreds of families +to whom he gave employment. My dear fellow, he looked at it from +a business point of view; perhaps business morality is a little +different from general morality, and as he had once entered into +that--" + +"He had a right to sell his wife? To fulfil one part of his duties he +had no right to trample upon another and perhaps more binding duty." + +Kromitzki could not have disappointed me more thoroughly than by thus +showing some decent feeling. But I did not give up my hope at once. +I know that even the meanest person has still at his disposition +high-sounding words wherewith to mask his real character. Therefore I +went on:-- + +"You do not take into account one thing, namely, that the man would +have dragged his wife with him into poverty. Confess it is a singular +idea of duty that it should lead us to deprive those dependent on us +of their daily bread." + +"Do you know, I had no idea you were so deucedly sober-minded." + +"You fool!" I thought to myself; "don't you understand that these are +not my views, but views I want you to adopt?" Aloud I said:-- + +"I only try to put myself into the place of this business man. +Besides, you do not consider that the woman probably did not love her +husband, and that the other man was aware of it." + +"In such a case they were worthy of each other." + +"That is another question altogether. Looking a little deeper into +the affair, and supposing that being in love with the Englishman, she +nevertheless remained faithful to her husband, she may be worthier +than you think. As to the Boyar, he may be a villain for anything I +know, but what can he do, I ask you, in case somebody comes to him and +says: 'You are a bankrupt twice over; you have debts you cannot pay, +and a wife that does not love you. Divorce that woman, and I will take +care of her future, and will also take upon me all your liabilities.' +It is a way of speaking, to say the man 'sold' his wife; but can a +transaction like this be called a sale? Consider that the merchant +who agreed to this proposition by one stroke saved his wife from +poverty,--and possibly this is the right way to look upon duty,--and +saved all those who depended upon him!" + +Kromitzki thought a little, then dropped his eyeglass and said:-- + +"My dear fellow, as to business I flatter myself that I know a great +deal more about it than you; but as to arguments, I confess that you +would soon drive me into a corner. If you had not inherited millions +from your father, you would be able to amass a fortune as a barrister. +You have put the whole thing in such a light that I do not know what +to think of that Roumanian chap. All I know about it is that some +kind of transaction about his wife had occurred, and that, put it in +whatever light you will, is always a disreputable thing. Besides, as +I am somewhat of a merchant myself, I will tell you another thing: +a bankrupt can always find a way out of his difficulties: he either +makes another fortune and then pays his debts, or he blows out his +brains and pays with his life; and at the same time, if he is married, +he sets his wife free and gives her another chance." + +I fumed and raged inwardly, and would have given anything if I could +have shouted out to him: "You are a bankrupt already in one thing, for +your wife does not love you. You see the Cascades; jump in, set her +free, and give her the chance of some happiness." But I remained +silent, chewing the bitter cud of my reflections. Kromitzki, however +commonplace he might be, though capable of selling Gluchow and taking +advantage of his wife's trust in him, was not the villain I took him +for. It was a disappointment and destroyed the plan to which for the +moment I had clung as to a plank of safety. Again I felt powerless, +and saw looming up before me the vast solitude. Nevertheless, I held +fast to that purpose because I understood that unless I could do +something, I should go mad. "It will at least prepare the ground for +anything that may turn up, and accustom Kromitzki to the thought of +parting with Aniela," I said to myself. As I said before, nobody knows +in what state Kromitzki's affairs are, but I suppose that a man who +speculates is liable to losses as well as to gains. I said to him:-- + +"I do not know whether your principles are, strictly speaking, +business principles, but at any rate they are the sentiments of an +honorable man, and I respect you for them. You said, if I understood +you, that a man has no right to drag his wife with him into poverty." + +"No, I did not say that; I only said that to sell one's wife is a +villany; the wife ought to share her husband's fate. I think but +little of a fair-weather wife, who wants to break her marriage vows +because her husband cannot give her the comforts of life." + +"Suppose she did not agree, he might set her free against her will. +Besides, if she knew that by submitting to a divorce, she could save +her husband, duty well understood would bid her to yield." + +"It is unpleasant even to talk about such things." + +"Why? are you sorry for the Boyar?" + +"Not I; I shall always hold him for a blackguard." + +"Because you do not look at things from an objective point of view. +But that is not astonishing. A man like you, with whom everything is +prospering, cannot enter into the psychology of a bankrupt unless +he be a philosopher; and philosophy has nothing to do with making +millions." + +I did not wish to prolong the conversation, so utterly disgusted was +I with my own perversity. I had sown the seed,--a very small and +pitiable seed to produce anything; and yet I clung to it tenaciously. +One thing revived my hope. At the moment when I tried to make him +believe that a ruined man ought to set his wife free, there was a +certain constraint and trouble in his expression. I also noticed that +when I spoke about his millions a slight sigh escaped him. To infer +from this that he is on the brink of ruin, would be jumping at +conclusions; but I may fairly conjecture that his affairs are in +a precarious state. I resolved to get at the truth as quickly as +possible. + +In the mean while my own self seemed to be divided in two parts. The +one said: "If you waver ever so little, I will push you downward if +it should cost me my whole fortune. I will work your ruin, and when +I come to deal with a broken man, it remains to be seen whether for +certain transactions you do not find a gentler word than, 'villany.'" +Yet I was conscious at the same time that these were not my thoughts +nor my ways of dealing; that they had been suggested to me by somebody +else, and that but for my desperate position they would never have +found room in me, as they are averse to my nature and repulsive to me. +Money never played any part in my life, either as means or as aim. I +consider myself incapable of using such a weapon, and I felt what a +degradation it would be for me and Aniela to introduce that element +into our relations to each other. The thought of it was so repulsive +to me that I said to myself: "Will you not spare yourself? Must you +even drink from such a bowl? See how you are degenerating step by +step. Formerly thoughts like these would never have crossed your mind; +and what is more, schemes like these are utterly useless, and will +only lower you in your own eyes." + +In fact, formerly, when my aunt spoke of Kromitzki's affairs in a +doubting spirit, it had always caused me some uneasiness. The prospect +that at some time or other he might want me to assist him or take a +share in his transactions had made me consider what I should do in +such a case; and I always vowed that I would decline and have nothing +to do with any of his affairs; so repugnant to me was the thought of +mingling money matters with my relations to Aniela. I remember that +I saw in this another proof of the nobility and refinement of my +feelings. To-day I grasp that weapon as if I were a banker and had +lived by money transactions all my life. + +I perceive with absolute certainty that my thoughts and deeds are +worse than myself, and I ask myself how that can be. Most probably +because I cannot find the way out of the labyrinth. I love a noble +woman; my love is very great; and yet, putting the two together, the +net result is crookedness, and enchanted circles where my character +loses itself and even my nerves grow less sensitive. When, in former +times, I erred and strayed from the right path there still remained +something, some aesthetic feeling, by the help of which I still +distinguished good from evil. At present I have none of that feeling, +or if it still exists it is powerless. If I had only at the same time +lost the consciousness of what is ugly and offensive! But no; I have +it still, only it does not serve me as a curb, and is of no effect +except to aggravate my troubles. Beside my love for Aniela there is no +room for anything; but consciousness does not require space. I absorb +love, hatred, and sorrow as a cancer breeds in a diseased organism. + +He who has never been in a position similar to mine cannot understand +it. I knew that from love's entanglements spring various sufferings, +but I did not appreciate those sufferings. I did not believe they were +so real and so difficult to bear. Only now I understand the difference +between "knowing" and "believing," and the meaning of the French +thinker's words: "We know we must die, but we do not believe it." + + +12 July. + +To-day my pulses are beating wildly, and there is a singing in my +ears; for something has occurred the memory of which thrills every +nerve as in a fever. The day was very beautiful, the evening more +lovely still, and there was a full moon. We resolved to make an +excursion to Hofgastein,--all but Pani Celina, who preferred to remain +at home. My aunt, Kromitzki, and I went down together to the villa +gate, whence Kromitzki sped towards Straubinger's to order a carriage, +my aunt and I waiting for Aniela, who lingered behind. As she did not +come I went back and saw her descending the winding staircase leading +from the second floor into the garden. + +As the moon was on the other side, this part of the house was wrapped +in darkness, and Aniela came down very slowly. There was a moment when +my head was on a level with Aniela's feet. The temptation was too +great; I put my hands gently around them and pressed my lips to +them. I knew I should have to pay a heavy penalty for this minute of +happiness, but I could not forego it. God knows with what reverence I +touched her feet, and for how much pain this moment compensated me. +But for Aniela's resistance I should have put her foot upon my head +in token that I was her servant and her slave. She drew back and went +upstairs again but I ran down calling out loudly, so that my aunt +could hear me:-- + +"Aniela is coming, coming." + +Nothing remained for her now but to come down again, which she could +do safely, as I had remained near the gate. At the same moment +Kromitzki arrived with the carriage. Aniela coming up to us said:-- + +"I came to ask you, aunty, to let me stop at home. I would rather not +leave mamma alone. You can go, and I will wait for you with the tea." + +"But Celina is quite well," replied my aunt, with a shade of annoyance +in her voice, "it was she who proposed the excursion, mainly for your +sake." + +"Yes, but--" began Aniela. + +Kromitzki came up, and hearing what was the matter, said sharply: +"Please do not raise any difficulties." And Aniela, without saying a +word, took her seat in the carriage. + +In spite of my emotion I was struck by Kromitzki's tone of voice and +Aniela's silent obedience,--all the more as I had already noticed that +his manners towards her during the day had been those of a man who +is displeased. There was evidently the same reason, of which I knew +nothing, at the bottom of this, and of the estrangement some time ago. +But there was no room now for these reflections; the fresh memory of +the kiss I had imprinted on her feet still overpowered my senses. I +felt a great delight and joy, not unmixed with fear. I could account +for the delight because I felt it every time I only touched her hand. +But why the joy? Because I saw that the immaculate Aniela could not +escape from me altogether, and must needs confess to herself: "I am on +the downward path too, and cannot look people in the face; he was at +my feet a moment ago, the man who loves me, and I am obliged to be his +accomplice and cannot go to my husband and tell him to take me hence." +I knew she could not do this without creating a commotion; and if she +could, she would not do it, for fear of an encounter between me and +Kromitzki,--"And who knows for whom she is most afraid?" something +within me whispered. + +Aniela's position is indeed a difficult one, and I, knowing this, take +advantage of it without more scruples than are admitted by a general +in time of war who attacks the enemy at his weakest point. I asked +myself whether I would do the same if Kromitzki would make me +personally responsible; and as I could conscientiously say "Yes," I +thought there was no need for any further consideration. Kromitzki +inspires me with fear only in so far as he has power to remove Aniela +and put her out of my reach altogether. The very thought makes me +desperate. But at this moment, in the carriage, I only feared Aniela. +What will happen to-morrow? How will she take it? As a liberty, or as +a mere impulse of respect and worship? + +I felt as a dog may feel that has done wrong and is afraid of being +whipped. Sitting opposite Aniela, I tried at moments when the moon +shone on her face to read there what was to be my sentence. I looked +at her so humbly and was so meek that I pitied myself, and thought she +too ought to pity me a little. But she did not look at me at all, and +listened or seemed to listen attentively to what Kromitzki was telling +my aunt he would do if Gastein belonged to him. My aunt only nodded, +and he repeated every moment: "Now, really, don't you think I am +right?" It is evident that he wants to impress my aunt with his +enterprising spirit, and to convince her that he is capable of making +a shilling out of every penny. + +The road to Hofgastein, hewn out of the rocks, skirting the +precipices, winds and twists around the mountain slopes. The light +of the moon shone alternately on our faces and those of the ladies +opposite, according to the varying directions of the road. In Aniela's +face I saw nothing but a sweet sadness, and I took courage from the +fact that it was neither stern nor forbidding. I did not obtain +a single glance, but I comforted myself by the thought that when +concealed in the shadow, she would perhaps look at me and say to +herself: "Nobody loves me as he does, and nobody can be at the same +time more unhappy than he,"--which is true. We were both silent. Only +Kromitzki kept on talking; his voice mingled with the rush of the +waters below the rocks and the creaking of the brake, which the driver +often applied. This creaking irritated my nerves very much, but the +warm, transparent night lulled them into restfulness again. It was, +as I said before, full moon; the bright orb had risen above +the mountains, and sailing through space illumined the tops of +Bocksteinkogl, the Tischlkar glaciers, and the precipitous slopes +of the Graukogl. The snow on the heights shone with a pale-green, +metallic lustre, and as the mountain sides below were shrouded in +darkness, the snowy sheen seemed to float in mid air, as if not +belonging to the earth. There was such a charm, such peace and +restfulness in these sleeping mountains, that involuntarily the words +of the poet came into mind:-- + + "At such a moment, alas! two hearts are grieving. + What there is to forgive, they are forgiving; + What was to be forgot, they dismiss to oblivion." + +And yet what is there to forgive? That I kissed her feet? If she were +a sacred statue she could not be offended by such an act of reverence. +I thought if it came to an explanation between us I would tell her +that. + +I often think that Aniela does me a great wrong, not to say that she +calls things by wrong names. She considers my love a mere earthly +feeling, an infatuation of the senses. I do not deny that it is +composed of various threads, but there are among them some as purely +ideal as if spun of poetry. Very often my senses are lulled to sleep, +and I love her as one loves only in early youth. Then the second self +within me mocks, and says derisively: "I had no idea you could love +like a schoolboy or a romanticist!" Yet such is the fact. I may be +ridiculous, but I love her thus, and it is not an artificial feeling. +It is this which makes my love so complete, and at the same time so +sad; for Aniela misconstrues it and cannot enter into its spirit. Even +now I inwardly spoke to her thus: "Do you think there are no ideal +chords in my soul? At this moment I love you in such a way that you +may accept my love without fear. It would be a pity to spurn so much +feeling; it would cost you nothing, and it would be my salvation. +I could then say to myself: 'This is my whole world; within its +boundaries I am allowed to live. It would be something at least. I +would try to change my nature, try to believe in what you believe, and +hold fast to it all my life.'" + +It seemed to me that she ought to agree to such a proposition, after +which there would be everlasting peace between us. I promised myself +to put it before her, and once we know that our souls belong to each +other we may even part. There awoke within me a certain hope that she +will agree to this, for she must understand that without it both our +lives will remain miserable. + +It was nine o'clock when we arrived at Hofgastein. It was very quiet +and still in the village. Only the Gasthaus was lighted, and before +Meger's some excellent voices were singing mountain airs. I thought of +asking the serenaders to sing before our window, but I found they were +not villagers; they were Viennese mountaineers, to whom one could +not offer money. I bought two bunches of edelweiss and other Alpine +flowers, and giving one to Aniela I accidentally, as it were, +unloosened the other and the flowers fell under her feet. + +"Let them lie there," I said, seeing she was stooping to pick them up. +I went in search of some more flowers for my aunt. When I came back I +heard Kromitzki say:-- + +"Even here at Hofgastein, by erecting another branch establishment, +one could easily make a hundred per cent." + +"You are still hammering at the same subject," I said quietly. I said +this on purpose; it was the same as to say to Aniela: "See, while my +whole being is occupied with you he thinks of nothing but how to make +money. Compare our feelings; compare us with each other." I am almost +certain she understood my meaning. + +On the return journey I made several attempts to draw Aniela into +general conversation, but did not succeed. When we arrived at the gate +of the villa Kromitzki went upstairs with the ladies, and I remained +behind to pay for the carriage. When I went up I did not find Aniela +at tea. My aunt said she had gone to bed and seemed very tired. +A great uneasiness got hold of me, and I reproached myself for +tormenting her. There is nothing more crushing for the man who loves +truly than the consciousness that he is bringing unhappiness on her he +loves. We took our tea in silence, for my aunt was drowsy, Kromitzki +seemed depressed, and I tormented myself more and more with anxious +thoughts. "She must have taken it very much to heart," I thought, "and +as usual has put upon it the worst construction." I expected she would +avoid me the next day and consider our treaty of peace broken by that +rash act of mine. This filled me with fear, and I resolved to go, or +rather to escape, the next day to Vienna; firstly, because I dreaded +meeting Aniela, secondly, because I wanted to see Doctor Chwastowski; +and finally, I thought,--and God knows how bitter is the thought,--to +relieve her of my presence for a few days and give her rest. + + +15 July. + +A whole budget of events. I do not know where to begin, as the last +sensations are the uppermost. Never yet had I such convincing proofs +that she cares for me. It will cost me no small effort to put +everything down in proper order. I am now almost sure Aniela will +agree to the conditions I am going to propose to her. My head is still +in a whirl; but I will try to start from the beginning. + +I have been in Vienna and brought some news I am going to discuss with +my aunt. I have seen Chwastowski. What a fine fellow he is!--works at +the hospitals, is busy upon a series of hygienic articles his brother +is to publish in three-penny booklets for the people, belongs to +several medical and non-medical associations, and still finds time for +various gay entertainments on the Kaerthner Strasse. I do not know +when he finds time to sleep. And the fellow looks like a giant from a +fair. What an exuberance of life!--he seems literally brimming over +with life. I told him without any preliminaries what had brought me to +Vienna. + +"I do not know," I said, "whether you are aware that my aunt and I +possess considerable capital. We are not obliged to speculate, but +if we could invest our money in some enterprise where it would bring +profit, the profit would be so much gain for the country. I suppose if +at the same time we could render a service to Pan Kromitzki it would +be a two-fold gain. Between ourselves, he is personally indifferent to +us, but he is by his marriage connected with our family. We should be +glad to help him provided we can do so without running any risk." + +"And you would like to know how he stands in his affairs, sir?" + +"Yes, I should. He seems very sanguine in his hopes, and no doubt +believes himself to be right. The question is whether he does not +delude himself. Therefore if your brother has written you anything +without binding you to secrecy I should like to know what he says. You +might also ask him to give me an exact statement as to their business +transactions. My aunt relies upon you, considering that the relations +which connect us with your family are of a much older standing than +those connecting her with Kromitzki." + +"All right; I will let my brother know about it. He mentioned +something in one of his letters, but as it does not interest me very +much I did not take notice of it at the time." + +Saying this, he began to search in his desk among his papers, where +he found it easily and then read aloud: "'I am heartily tired of the +place. No women here worth talking about, and not a pretty one in the +whole lot.'" He laughed. "No, that's not what I wanted. He would like +to be in Vienna." Turning over a page he handed it to me, but I found +only these few lines:-- + +"As to Kromitzki, his speculation in oil has turned out a failure. +With the Rothschilds a struggle is impossible, and he went against +them. We had to get out of it as well as we could, but lost a deal +of money. We have got a monopoly in the contract business; there are +immense profits to be made, but there is also a considerable risk. It +all depends upon the honesty of the people we deal with. We treat them +fairly and trust to luck. But money is wanted, because the government +pays us at stated terms, and we have to pay money down, and besides +that, often receive bad material. I have to look at present after +everything myself." + +"We will furnish the money," I said, when I had finished reading. + +On the way back to Gastein I thought it over and my better instincts +prevailed. "Let the future take care of itself," I thought; and in +the mean while would it not be more simple and more honest to help +Kromitzki instead of ruining him? Aniela would appreciate such an act, +and my disinterestedness would win her approval; and as to the future, +let Providence decide about that. + +But would it be an act of disinterestedness on my part? Reflecting +upon it, I found that my own selfish views had a great deal to do with +it. Thus I foresaw that Kromitzki, getting hold of the money, would +leave Gastein immediately and release me from the torments his +presence near Aniela gives me. Aniela would remain alone, surrounded +by my devotion, with gratitude in her heart for me, resentment or even +indignation towards Kromitzki because he had availed himself of my +offer. I seemed to see new horizons opening before me. But above all, +and at whatever cost, I wanted to get free of Kromitzki's presence. + +I thought so much of my future relation to Aniela that I arrived +at Lend-Gastein before I was aware of it. At Lend I found a great +commotion. A railway accident had happened on the branch line of Zell +am See, and the place was full of wounded people; but scarcely had +I taken my seat in the carriage when the impression the killed and +wounded had made upon me gave way to the thoughts that occupied me so +exclusively. I saw clearly that some change must take place in our +relation, that the present state could not be prolonged indefinitely +without doing mischief to both of us and bringing us both to such a +pass that it would be better for me to roll down the precipice there +and then and make an end of it at once. + +Aniela, though she does not yield in the least, must needs be +distracted in her mind by the continual presence of that forbidden +love. It is true she does not give me any encouragement, but now and +then I kiss her hands, her feet; she is compelled to listen to words +of love, obliged to have secrets from her husband and her mother, and +always control herself and me lest I might overstep the boundary. Life +under such conditions becomes unbearable to us both. It must undergo +some change. At last I had found, I thought, a solution of the +problem. Let Aniela frankly admit that she loves me, and say to me: +"I am yours heart and soul, and will be yours forever; but let that +satisfy you. If you agree to that our souls henceforth will be as +one and belong to each other forever." And I bound myself to her. I +fancied I was taking her hand and saying: "I take you thus and promise +not to seek for anything more, promise that our relations will remain +purely spiritual, but as binding as those of husband and wife." + +Is such an agreement feasible, and will it put an end to our sorrow? +For me it is a renunciation of all my hopes and desires, but it +creates for me a new world in which Aniela will be mine. Besides that, +it will make our love a legitimate right; and I would give my very +health if Aniela would agree to it. I see in this another proof of the +earnestness of my love, and how I wish her to be mine; I am ready to +pay any price, accept any restrictions, provided she acknowledges her +love. + +I began to think intently whether she would agree. And it seemed to me +she would. I heard myself speaking to her in a persuasive, irrefutable +manner:-- + +"Since you really love me, what difference can it make to you if you +tell me so with your own lips? What can there be nobler, holier than +the love I ask you for? I have surrendered to you my whole life, +because I could not do otherwise. Ask your own conscience, and it +will tell you that you ought to do this much for me. It is the same +relation as Beatrice's to Dante. Angels love each other in that way. +You will be near me, as near as one soul can be to another, and yet as +distant as if you dwelt on the highest of heights. That it is a +love above all earthly loves is all the more a reason for your not +rejecting it; carried on the wings of such a love your soul will +remain pure; it will save me and bring peace and happiness to both of +us." + +I felt within me a boundless wealth of this almost mystic love, and a +belief that this earthly chrysalis would come forth in another world a +butterfly, which, detached from all earthly conditions would soar from +planet to planet, till it became united to the spirit of All-Life. For +the first time the thought crossed my mind that Aniela and I may pass +away as bodies, but our love will survive and even be our immortality. +"Who knows," I thought, "whether this be not the only existing form +of immortality?"--because I felt distinctly that there is something +everlasting in my feeling, quite distinct from the ever changing +phenomena of life. A man must love very deeply to be capable of such +feelings and visions; he must be very unhappy, and perhaps close on +the brink of insanity. I am not yet on that brink, but I am close upon +mysticism, and never so happy as when I thus lose myself and scatter +my own self, so that I have some difficulty in finding it again. I +fully understand why this is the case. My dualism, my inward criticism +shattered all the foundations of my life, together with the happiness +these foundations would have given me. In those lands where, instead +of syllogisms, visions and dim consciousness reign paramount, +criticism finds no room; and this solution gives me rest and relief. + +Thus I rested when I drew near Gastein. I saw myself and Aniela wedded +spiritually and at peace. I had the proud consciousness that I had +found a way out of the enchanted circle and into happiness. I was +certain Aniela would give me her hand, and thus together we would +begin a new life. + +Suddenly I started as if waking from a dream, and saw that my hand was +covered with blood. It appeared that the same vehicle I was travelling +in had been used to transport some of the injured victims of the +railway disaster. There was a deal of blood at one side of the seat, +which the driver had not noticed or had forgotten to wipe off. My +mysticism does not go so far as to create belief in the intervention +of mysterious powers through omens, signs, or predictions. Yet, though +not superstitious myself, I am able to enter the train of thought of a +superstitious man, and consequently observe the singular coincidence +of this fact. It seemed to me strange that in the carriage where I +dreamed about the beginning of a new life some other life had perhaps +breathed its last; also that with bloodstained hands I had been +thinking of peace and happiness. + +Coincidences like these more or less influence nervous persons, not by +filling them with presentiments, but rather by throwing a dark shadow +upon all their thoughts. Undoubtedly mine would have travelled in that +direction had I not been close upon Wildbad. Slowly crawling up the +hill I saw another carriage coming down at an unusual speed. "There +will be another collision," I thought, as on the steep road it is very +difficult for two carriages to pass each other. But at the same moment +the driver of the vehicle put on the brake with all his strength, and +the horses went at a slow pace. Suddenly, to my great astonishment, I +recognized in the inmates of the carriage my aunt and Aniela. They, +too, had caught sight of me; and Aniela cried out:-- + +"It is he! Leon! Leon!" + +In an instant I was at their side. My aunt fell upon my neck, and +repeated, "God has been good to us!" and breathed as rapidly as if she +had been running all the way from Wildbad. Aniela had clutched my hand +and held it fast; then all at once a terrible fear shone in her face, +and she cried out:-- + +"You are wounded?" + +I understood at once what was the matter, and said,-- + +"Not in the least. I was not at the accident at all. I got the blood +on my hand from the carriage, which had been used for the wounded." + +"Is it true, quite true?" + +"Quite true." + +"What train was it that was wrecked?" asked my aunt. + +"The train coming from Zell am See." + +"Oh, good God! A telegram came to say it was the Vienna train. It +almost killed me. Oh, God, what happiness! Praise be to God!" + +My aunt began wiping the perspiration from her face. Aniela was as +white as a sheet. She released my hand, and turned her head aside to +hide her tears and twitching mouth. + +"We were alone in the house," continued my aunt. "Kromitzki had gone +with some Belgians to Nassfeld. The landlord came and told us about +the accident on the line, and you can well imagine what state I was +in, knowing you were coming by that same line. I sent the landlord at +once for a carriage, and this dear child would not let me go alone. +What a terrible time it has been for us! Thank God, we escaped with a +mere fright. Did you see the wounded?" + +I kissed my aunt's and Aniela's hands, and told them what I had seen +at Lend-Gastein. It appeared that the telegram sent to the Kurhaus was +thus expressed: "Railway accident at Lend-Gastein; many killed and +wounded." From which everybody concluded that the calamity had +happened on the Vienna-Salzburg line. + +I gave them a few fragmentary details of what I had seen. I did not +think much of what I was saying, as my head was full of the one joyful +thought: "Aniela could not wait for news at home, and preferred to +come with my aunt and meet me!" Did she do this for my aunt's sake? +Most assuredly not. I saw the trouble in her face, the sudden terror +when she noticed the blood on my hand, and the lighting up of her +whole countenance when she heard I had not been near the place at the +time of the accident. I saw she was still so deeply moved as to be +inclined to weep from sheer happiness. She would have burst into tears +if at that moment I had taken her hands and told her how I loved her, +and would not have snatched them away. And as all this was as clear as +the day, it seemed to me that my torments were about to end, and that +from that moment the dawn of another life had begun. From time to time +I looked at her with eyes in which I concentrated all my power of +love, and she smiled at me. I noticed that she was without gloves +or mantle. She had evidently forgotten them in her haste and +perturbation. As it had grown rather chilly, I wanted to wrap her in +my overcoat. She resisted a little, but my aunt made her accept it. + +When we arrived at the villa Pani Celina met me with as much +overflowing tenderness and delight as if Aniela in case of my death +had not been the next of kin, and heiress to the Ploszow estate. Such +noble, disinterested women are not often met with in this world. I +would not guarantee that Kromitzki when he comes to hear about it may +not utter a discreet sigh, and think that the world would go on quite +as well if there were no Ploszowskis. + +Kromitzki returned very tired and cross. The Belgians he had met, and +with whom he had gone to Nassfeld, were capitalists from Antwerp. He +spoke of them as idiots who were satisfied to get three per cent. for +their capital. He said when parting for the night that he wished to +talk with me in the morning about some important matter. Formerly I +should have disliked the idea of this, for I suppose he will make some +financial proposition. Now I almost wished to get it over at once; but +I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, with my happiness, and with +Aniela in my heart and soul. I pressed her hand at good-night as a +lover might, and she returned a warm pressure. + +"Are you really and truly mine?" I said inwardly. + + +16 July. + +I had scarcely finished dressing in the morning when my aunt came +into my room, and after wishing me good-morning said, without any +preface,-- + +"While you were away Kromitzki made me a proposal to enter into +partnership with him." + +"And what answer did you give him?" + +"I refused point-blank. I said to him: 'My dear cousin, thank God, I +have as much as I want; and after my death Leon will be one of the +wealthiest men in the country. Why should we rush into adventures and +tempt Providence? If you make millions in your enterprises, it will be +a good thing for you; if you lose your money, why should we lose ours +with you? I do not know anything about these things, and am not in the +habit of undertaking what I know nothing about.' Was I right?" + +"Very much so." + +"That is just what I wanted to talk over with you, and I am glad you +look at it from the same point of view. You see, he was a little +offended that I called his enterprises adventures; he explained +everything to me, nevertheless, and told me what prospects he had for +the future. Then I asked him, straight out, why he wanted a partner, +since everything was going on so well. He replied that the more money +was put into the concern the greater would be the profit; that out +there everything was done on a great scale, and he would rather the +family shared the profits than strangers. I thanked him for his +family sympathies, but repeated my refusal. I saw that he was greatly +disappointed. He began to grumble that nobody in the country had any +brains for business; all they were capable of was to spend what they +had got. He said in plain words that it was a social crime not to use +one's capital to a better purpose. Thereupon I became very angry. 'My +good friend,' I said, 'I have managed my estate I dare say in woman +fashion, but I have not lost any money; rather I have increased my +property; and as to social crimes, if anybody has the right to speak +of that, it is certainly not you, who sold Gluchow. If you wanted to +hear the truth, you hear it now. If you had not sold Gluchow, I should +have trusted you more. As to your enterprises, it is not only I that +know nothing about them, but others too are equally in the dark; one +thing is quite clear to me, and that is that if your prospects were as +brilliant as you make them out, you would not be in search of partners +or feel hurt at my refusal. You want a partner because you cannot do +without; you have not dealt openly with me, and that I dislike more +than anything else.'" + +"What did he say to that?" + +"He said that he could not understand why he should be held +responsible for the sale of Gluchow. It was not he who had let the +estate slip through his fingers; it had been slipping gradually +through the hands of those that had administered it badly, and it +was their thoughtlessness and lavishness that had made the sale +indispensable. Aniela when she married him had nothing but debts. He +had saved out of the wreck more than anybody else could have done, and +now instead of gratitude he met with reproaches and--wait a bit, what +word did he use?--yes, and 'pathetic declamations.'" + +"It is not true," I said; "Gluchow could have been saved." + +"I said the same to him, and also that upon Gluchow I would have lent +him the money. 'You might have sent me word through Aniela,' I said +to him, 'about the sale, or told her to talk it over with me, and God +knows, I would have made any sacrifice to save the property. But such +is your method,--not to let anybody know what you are doing. We all +believed in your millions, and that is the reason I never dreamed of +offering you any pecuniary help.' He laughed ironically. 'Aniela,' +he said, 'is too great a lady and far too lofty to stoop to interest +herself in the details of her husband's business. I asked her twice to +speak to you about the partnership, and both times she refused most +decidedly. It is very easy to speak about saving Gluchow when the +opportunity is gone. Judging by the reception I have met with to-day, +I am entitled to believe that it would have been the same about +Gluchow.'" + +I had begun to listen with the greatest interest, for now I saw +clearly what had led to the estrangement between Kromitzki and Aniela. +My aunt continued:-- + +"When I heard that I said: 'Now you see how little sincerity there +is in what you told me. At first you said that you proposed the +partnership in order that the family might derive the benefit of it, +in preference to strangers, and now it turns out that you want it for +your own sake.' He is not wanting in cleverness, and therefore replied +at once that in this kind of affairs the gain was on both sides, and +that naturally it was a matter of concern to him to have as much +capital at his disposition as he could get; for in this kind of +business the larger the basis it rested upon, the more certain the +profit. 'Besides that,' he said, 'taking Aniela without any money I +thought I might count upon the support of the family, at least in +a case like this, when the help would turn out a clear gain to the +family.' He was very cross, especially when I told him he had not +taken Aniela without anything, as it had always been my intention to +give her the life interest of a certain sum." + +"You told him that?" + +"Yes. I told him all that was uppermost in my mind. 'I love Aniela,' I +said, 'as if she were my own child; and for that very reason, to make +her safe, I will not leave her the principal, but a life interest. The +principal might be swallowed up in your speculations, which may turn +out God knows how; and an annual income will give Aniela the means +of a decent establishment. The principal,' I said, 'will go to your +children, if you have any, after Aniela's death; and that is all I +intend to do,--which of course does not exclude any smaller services I +may be able to render you.'" + +"And that ended the conversation?" + +"Almost. I saw he was very much upset. I fancy he was especially angry +because I promised a life interest to Aniela instead of a round sum +down, as it shows how little I trust him. When going away he said that +for the future he would look for partners among strangers, as he could +not meet with less good-will, and might find a better understanding of +business matters. I meekly accepted this reproach. Yesterday he went +for an excursion with the Belgians and came back discontented, I +suppose he tried it on with them and met with a disappointment. Do you +know what I think, Leon? His business is shaky, since he is so anxious +to get partners. And I may tell you that the thought troubles me; for +if such be the case common-sense tells us not to have anything to do +with his affairs; and yet the simplest family duty bids us to help +him, if only for Aniela's sake. That is one reason why I was so +anxious to talk it over with you." + +"His affairs are not in such a desperate state as you think, aunty." +And I told her what I had heard from Chwastowski, and guessed long ago +from Kromitzki's manner, namely, that he was in want and looking about +for capital. I added that it was mainly to inquire about the state of +his affairs that I had gone to Vienna. + +My aunt was delighted with my tactics and perspicacity; and walking up +and down the room according to her habit she muttered to herself, "He +is a genius in everything." She finally decided to leave everything in +my hands, and to act as I thought best. Upon this, she went below, and +I, after perusing yesterday's papers for half an hour, followed her. + +I found the whole company gathered round the breakfast table, and one +glance was sufficient to tell me that something unusual had taken +place. Aniela looked frightened, Pani Celina troubled, and my aunt was +flushed with anger. Only Kromitzki was quietly reading the paper, but +he looked cross, and his face was as yellow as if he had been ill. + +"Do you know," said my aunt, pointing at Aniela, "what news she has +brought me as a morning's greeting?" + +"No, what is it?" I said, sitting down at the table. + +"Nothing more nor less than that in two weeks, Celina's health +permitting, they are both going to Odessa or somewhere farther still." + +If a thunderbolt had fallen in the middle of the table, I could not +have been more startled. My heart sank within me. I looked at Aniela, +who had grown very red, as if caught in the act of committing a wrong +deed, and at last asked, "Where are they going? why?" + +"They give me a deal of trouble at Ploszow, you know," said my aunt, +imitating Aniela's voice. "They do not want to be a burden to me, the +charitable souls. They evidently think I yearn after solitude; and in +case you went away too, it would be ever so much better, more cheerful +for me, to be by myself in that big house. They have discussed this +all the night, instead of sleeping like other respectable people." + +My aunt waxed angrier still, and turning upon Kromitzki asked: "Did +you preside at that debate?" + +"Not at all," he replied; "I was never even consulted. But if my wife +has resolved to go, I suppose it is in order to be nearer me, for +which I ought to feel grateful." + +"There is nothing settled yet," remarked Aniela. + +I, forgetting all precautions, looked steadily at her, but she did not +lift her eyes; which convinced me all the more that I was the cause +of this sudden resolve. I cannot find words to express what I felt +at that moment, and what deadly bitterness suffused my heart. Aniela +knows perfectly that I live for her only, exist through her; that all +my thoughts belong to her, my actions have only her in view; that she +is to me an issue of life and death; and in spite of all that she +calmly decides to go away. Whether I should perish or beat my head +against the wall, she never so much as considered. She will be more at +ease when she ceases to see me writhing like a beetle stuck on a pin; +she will be no longer afraid of my kissing her feet furtively, or +startling that virtuous conscience. How can she hesitate when such +excellent peace can be got, at so small a price as cutting somebody's +throat! Thoughts like these spun across my brain by thousands. I felt +a bitter taste in my mouth. "You are virtuous," I said inwardly to +Aniela, "because you have no heart. If a dog attached himself to you +as I am attached, something would be due to him. You have never shown +me any indulgence, or any spark of pity; you have never confessed to +me any tender feeling, and you have taken from me what you could. +If you were able, you would deprive me of your presence +altogether,--although you had the certainty that if I could not see +you my eyes would perish forever. But I begin to understand you now, +begin to see that your inflexibility is so great because your heart is +so small. You are cold and unfeeling, and your virtue is nothing +but an enormous egoism, that wants above everything to be left +undisturbed, and for that peace is capable of sacrificing all else." + +During the whole time of breakfast I did not say a word. When alone +in my own room I held my head with both hands and with a weary, +over-wrought brain, began to think again of what had happened. My +thoughts were still very bitter. Women of narrow hearts often remain +unyielding through a certain philistinism of virtue. The first thing +with them is to keep their accounts in order, like any tradesman. They +fear love, as the grocer fears street-risings, war, riots, exalted +ideas, and audacious flights of fancy. Peace at any price, because +peace is good for business. Everything that rises above the rational +and commonplace standard of life is bad, and deserves the contempt of +reasonable beings. Virtue has its heights and precipices, but also its +level plains. + +I now struggled with the exceedingly painful question whether Aniela +did not belong to that kind of commonplace virtuous women, who want to +keep their accounts in order, and reject love because it reaches above +the ordinary standard of their hearts and minds. I searched in the +past for proofs. "Who knows," I said to myself, "whether her simple +ethical code is not resting upon such a foundation?" I had believed +her to be one of those exceptional natures, different from all other +women, inaccessible as the snowy heights of the Alps that without any +slope soar straight heavenward. And now this lofty nature considers it +the most proper thing that a husband in slippers should trample on +those snows. What does it all mean? Whenever thoughts like these crowd +my brain I feel as if I were on the brink of madness; such a rage +seizes me that if I could I would throw down, trample, and spit upon +the forces of life, reduce the whole world to chaos and obliterate its +existence. On my journey back from Vienna I was searching for some +unearthly abode where I might love Aniela even as Dante loved +Beatrice. I built it of the sufferings from which as from fire my love +had risen purified, of my renunciations and sacrifices, and thought +that in a superhuman, simply angelic way she would be mine, and feel +that she belonged to me. And now it came into my thoughts that it was +not worth while to speak about it, as she would not understand me; not +worth while leading her on to those heights, as she would not be able +to breathe there. She might agree, in her soul, that I should go on +loving her, go on suffering, since that flatters her vanity; but no +compact, no union the most spiritual, no mutual belonging even in +the Dantesque meaning,--to none of these will she agree, because she +understands only one belonging and one right, which is expressed in a +man's dressing-gown, and her soul cannot rise above the narrow, mean, +matrimonial, book-keeping spirit. + +I felt an overwhelming regret that I had not been in the wrecked +train. The regret was as much the result of physical exhaustion as +of Aniela's cruelty. I was tired, as one who has watched night after +night at the sick bed of a very dear friend, and to whom death appears +as a desired rest. And then I thought that if they had brought my +mangled remains to Gastein something would perhaps have stirred in +her. Thinking of this I suddenly remembered yesterday's Aniela, who +went with my aunt in search of me. I recalled to my mind the sudden +terror and the joy close upon it, those eyes full of tears, the +disordered hair; and love immeasurable, love a hundred times more real +than all my thoughts and reasonings took possession of me. It was +like a great convulsive motion of the heart, which almost at once +got buried in a wave of doubts. All I had noticed that day might be +explained upon quite different grounds. Who knows whether it was I +or my aunt who played the principal part in this emotion? Besides +impressionable women have always a store of sympathy at command, +even for the merest stranger. What more natural than that she should +exhibit some feeling when he who was threatened by some danger was a +relative? She would naturally be horrified at the thought of my death, +and rejoice at seeing me alive. If, instead of her, Pani +Sniatynska had been staying with my aunt, she too would have been +terror-stricken, and I should have seen her without her gloves, and +her hair in disorder. No, in regard to that I cannot delude myself any +longer. Aniela knew very well that her departure would be to me a more +dangerous catastrophe than a wound on my head or the loss of an arm or +leg; and yet she did not hesitate a moment. I was perfectly aware that +it was all her doing. She wanted to be near her husband, and what +would become of me was not taken into account. + +Again I felt myself growing pale with anger, hatred, and indignation, +and only one step removed from madness. "Stop a little," I said to +myself, pressing both hands against my temples; "perhaps she is +seeking safety in flight because she loves you, and feels she cannot +resist any longer." Ah me! and these thoughts sprung up, but they did +not find any congenial soil and perished like the seed sown on a rock; +they only roused a bitter, despairing irony. "Yes," something said +within me, "hers is a love resembling the compassion which makes +people remove the pillow from under the dying man's head, to shorten +his agony. I shall not suffer much longer, and Kromitzki will be able +to see her often and bring her such comfort as a wife expects from her +husband." + +Aniela at that moment was hateful to me. For the first time in my +life I wished she really loved Kromitzki; she would have been less +repugnant to me. Anger and resentment almost deprived me of my senses, +and I saw clearly that if I did not do something, revenge myself upon +her in some way, something terrible would happen to me. I jumped up, +and under the influence of that thought, as if touched by a red-hot +iron, I took my hat and went forth in search of Kromitzki. I did +not find him either in the house or in the garden. I went to the +Wandelbahn, then to the reading-rooms; he was in neither of the two +places. I stopped for a moment on the bridge near the Cascades, +thinking what to do next. The wind coming from that direction blew a +cloud of spray into my face. This caused me a pleasant sensation and +relieved the tension of my nerves. I bared my head and exposed it to +the spray until my hair was quite wet. I felt a purely animal delight +in the coolness. I had regained all my self-possession. There remained +now only the distinct and decided wish to thwart Aniela. I said to +her, "You shall not be allowed to go away, and henceforth I will treat +you as a man who has paid for you with his money." I saw the way clear +before me, and was not afraid of making any mistakes in dealing with +Kromitzki. I found him outside Straubinger's hotel reading the paper. +When he saw me he dropped his eyeglass and said:-- + +"I was just thinking of going to look for you." + +"Let us go on the Kaiserweg." + +And we went. Not waiting for him to begin, I plunged at once into the +subject. + +"My aunt told me about your conversation with her yesterday," I said. + +"I am very sorry it took place at all," replied Kromitzki. + +"As far as I can judge, you were both not as calm as one ought to be +in treating affairs of that kind. My dear fellow, I will be open with +you, and tell you at once that you do not know my aunt. She is the +dearest woman in the world, but she has one weakness. Possessed of a +great deal of common-sense and shrewdness, she likes to assert them; +therefore any new scheme or proposition is met by her with a certain +almost exaggerated suspicion. For that reason she invariably refuses +at first to have anything to do with it. Chwastowski, her manager, +might tell you something about that. In dealing with her it is always +best to suggest a thing and leave her time to digest it; and besides, +you rubbed her the wrong way, and that makes her always more +determined; a pity you could not have avoided that." + +"But how could I have irritated her? If anybody it is I who should be +able to discuss matters of this kind." + +"You made a mistake in saying that you had married Aniela without a +dowry; she is still very angry about that." + +"I said it when she threw the sale of Gluchow in my teeth. Besides I +only spoke the truth; Gluchow was so encumbered that next to nothing +really belonged to Aniela." + +"Plainly speaking, what induced you to sell that unfortunate estate?" + +"Because by doing so I was able to do a good turn to somebody upon +whom my future career depends to a great extent; besides, he paid more +than I could have got from anybody else." + +"Well, let that pass. My aunt felt all the more hurt as she has some +intentions in regard to Aniela." + +"Yes, I know. She is going to leave her a yearly income." + +"Between ourselves, I tell you that she thinks of no such thing. I +know she spoke to you about a life interest, because she was angry and +wanted to let you feel that she mistrusted your business capacities. I +as her heir ought to know something about her intentions, especially +as she does nothing without consulting me." + +Kromitzki looked at me keenly. "Anything she is doing for Aniela," he +said, "would be against your interest as the heir." + +"Yes, that is so; but I do not spend even my income, consequently I +can speak about it quite calmly. If you cannot explain it any other +way, consider it as a whim of mine. There are such people in the +world. I may tell you that I do not intend to put any limit to my +aunt's generosity, and also that she intends to give Aniela, not the +life interest she spoke about, but the capital. Of course my influence +might turn the scale either way, but I do not intend to exert it +against you." + +Kromitzki squeezed my hand with effusion, and his shoulders moved +exactly like those of a wooden manikin. How repulsive the man is to +me! I suppose he considered me more of a fool than an oddity; but he +believed me, and that was all I wanted. He is quite right as to that, +for I was decided that Aniela should have the capital instead of only +a life interest. I saw that he was consumed with curiosity to know how +much and when; but he understood that it would not do to show his +hand so openly, and therefore remained silent as if from emotion. I +continued:-- + +"You must remember one thing, my aunt wants careful handling. I know +for certain that she means to provide for Aniela; but it all depends +on her will, and even her humor. In the mean while, what is it you +both are doing? Yesterday you made her angry, and to-day Aniela +vexed her still more. As the future heir I ought to rejoice at your +blunders, and not warn you, and yet you see I am doing the opposite. +My aunt was deeply hurt by Aniela's plan, and in her anger turned upon +you, hoping, I fancy, that you would take her side; but you, on the +contrary, supported them!" + +"My dear fellow," said Kromitzki, squeezing my hand again, "I will +tell you openly that I agreed to their plan because I was vexed with +your aunt, and that is the top and bottom of it. There is no sense in +it at all. I cannot stand exaltation, and both these women are full of +it. They always seem to think they ought not to take advantage of your +aunt's hospitality, that they cannot always remain at Ploszow, and so +on, _ad infinitum_. I am heartily sick of it. In the mean while it is +this way: I cannot take them with me to Turkestan, and when I am there +it is all the same to me whether they are at Odessa or at Warsaw. When +I wind up my affairs, with a more than considerable fortune, I hope I +shall give them, of course, an adequate home. That will take place in +a year at the latest. The sale of the business itself will bring in a +considerable sum. If they were not at Ploszow, I should have to look +out for some other place; but since your aunt offers her house and is +pleased to have them, it would be folly not to accept the offer. My +mother-in-law has only just recovered from her illness. Who knows what +might happen in the future? and if things went wrong, Aniela, young +and inexperienced as she is, would be alone with all these troubles. +I simply cannot remain with them; even now I am in a fever to be off, +and only delayed my departure in the hope that I might persuade you or +your aunt into a partnership. Now I have told you all that is in my +mind; and it is your turn to tell me whether I may count upon your +good-will." + +I breathed again. Aniela's scheme was reduced to nothing. I was +delighted because I had got what I wanted. Although my love for Aniela +was akin to deep hatred, it was all I had to live for, and it wanted +food; and this it would get only from Aniela's presence. From +Kromitzki's words I concluded that by one stroke I could gain the most +wished for end,--Kromitzki's departure for an almost unlimited time. +I remained impassive, and thought it more advisable to show myself a +little reluctant. + +"I cannot," I said, "give you any promise beforehand. Tell me first +exactly how you stand." + +He began to talk, and talked with great volubility, showing that once +embarked upon this theme, he felt himself in his proper element. Now +and then he paused to buttonhole me or press me against the rocks. +When he had said something he thought very convincing, he swiftly +screwed his eyeglass into his eye and scrutinized my face to see what +impression he had made upon me. This, added to his voice, which was +like the sound of creaking hinges, and the reiteration of his "what, +what," was very trying to my nerves, but I must render him justice; he +did not try to deceive me. He told me substantially the same things +that I had heard from Chwastowski. The affair stood thus: Great +capital had already been invested in material, the purveying of which +was solely in Kromitzki's hands. The danger of the business consisted +in the fact that the capital already sunk came back to him only after +passing through various official forms, therefore very slowly; and +also in the fact that Kromitzki had to deal with purveyors whose +interest it was to supply him with the very worst materials, for which +he was held responsible. This last point put him more or less at the +mercy of the agency, which besides had the most complete right to +accept only good material. Who knows what complications might arise +from that? After having listened to his statement, which lasted an +hour, I replied:-- + +"My good fellow, considering all you have told me, neither my aunt nor +I can have anything to do with the partnership." + +His countenance fell, and he turned very yellow. "Tell me why," he +said. + +"If you, in spite of cautiousness and care, are in danger of lawsuits, +we will not be mixed up in your affairs." + +"Looking at things in that way, nobody would embark in any business at +all." + +"There is no necessity for us to do so. But supposing we entered into +any partnership, how much would you want us to put into the business?" + +"It is of no use to speak of that now; but if you could have come into +it, let us say with seventy-five thousand roubles--" + +"No, we will not put anything into the business; we do not think it +advisable to do so. But as you are connected with our family, we +will help you in another way. In brief, I will lend you the sum you +mentioned upon a note of hand." + +Kromitzki stopped, looked at me, and blinked as one who is not fully +awake. But this lasted only a moment. He evidently thought it would +not be wise to show too great a delight,--a mercantile caution not at +all necessary, and ridiculous under present circumstances. He only +pressed my hand and said: "Thank you,--at what rate of interest?" + +"We will talk of that later on. I must go back now and talk with my +aunt." + +I said good-by at once. On the way I reflected whether Kromitzki would +not think my acting thus a little curious and open to suspicion. But +it was a vain fear. Husbands are proverbially blind, not because they +love and trust their wives, but because they love themselves. Besides, +Kromitzki, looking at us from his business point of view, considers +me and my aunt as two fantastic beings, who, with little knowledge of +practical matters, stick to antiquated notions about family ties +and duties. He is, indeed, in many respects of such an altogether +different type from us, that we cannot help looking upon him as an +intruder. + +When I came back to the villa I saw Aniela at the gate buying wild +strawberries from a peasant woman. Passing close by, I said roughly, +"You will not go away, because I do not wish it," and then went up +into my room. + +During dinner the conversation again turned upon the departure of the +ladies. This time Kromitzki spoke up and treated the whole thing as a +childish whim, to be laughed at by sensible people. He was not very +considerate either to his wife or his mother-in-law, but then his +nature is not a refined one. I did not say anything,--as if the +question of their going or staying mattered very little to me. But I +noticed that Aniela was conscious that her husband acted as a +mere puppet in my hands, and she felt ashamed for him and deeply +humiliated; but such was the resentment I had towards her that the +sight of it did me good. + +For in truth I was deeply wounded, and I cannot forgive Aniela. If, on +the way from Vienna, I had not thought so much of that new compact, if +I had not made a wholesale sacrifice of all my desires, passions, +and senses, in fact of my whole nature, I should not have felt the +disappointment so acutely. But it fell out so cruelly that, when, out +of love for her, I was ready to change my whole being, when I climbed +to a height I had never reached before, only to be near her, she, +without any consideration or pity for me, wished to push me into the +very depth of despair and without considering for a moment what would +become of me! These thoughts poison even the pleasure afforded by +Kroimitzki's departure. + +The future will bring some kind of solution, but I am too tired to +speculate upon it. The simplest solution would be inflammation of the +brain. It will come to that. I torment myself all the day, do not +sleep at night, smoke endless cigars to stupefy myself, and sit up +till daylight. + + +30 July. + +I have not written in my diary for two weeks. I went; with Kromitzki +to Vienna to conclude his business; after which he remained three days +and then left for the East. I had such violent headaches that I could +not write. Pani Celina's cure is completed, but we still remain at +Gastein because of the great heat. + +Kromitzki's departure was a great relief to me, to Pani Celina,--whom +he irritates to such a degree that if he were not her son-in-law she +could not stand him at all,--and perhaps also to Aniela. The latter +cannot forgive him that he involved me in his affairs. He, not +supposing there could be anything between me and his wife except +social relations, made no secret of the loan. She opposed it +energetically, but could not tell him the reason,--perhaps from a +secret fear that after an explanation he might compel her to remain +where she is, and thus destroy the last shred of respect she has for +him. I am almost sure that since the sale of Gluchow, both she and her +mother distrust him, and in the secrecy of their hearts consider him +worse than he really is. In my opinion he is a spiritual upstart, with +a dry and wooden disposition, and incapable of any fine feeling or +subtle thought. There is no generosity in him; his mind is neither +deep, noble, nor sensitive; but in the general acceptance of the word +he is a decent member of society. A certain natural pedantry aids +him in this, which harmonizes with his money-making neurosis,--a +degenerated imaginativeness seeking expression in financial adventure. +Taking him all in all, he is so intensely repulsive to me--with his +eyeglass, oblique eyes, long legs, and sallow, hairless face--that I +doubt if I am capable of judging him objectively. Nevertheless I am +quite sure that unless he loses his own money I shall not lose mine. +But I put it down, in all sincerity, that I would rather he lost the +money, his senses, his life, and went altogether to perdition. + +I am ill. I have seen very little of Aniela lately,--partly by reason +of my headaches, that kept me confined to my room, and partly because +I wished to let her feel how deeply she had injured and grieved me. +Not to see her cost me great self-denial, for my eyes want her as +they want the light. I have already mentioned that with all her +inflexibility, she has a certain weakness: she cannot bear that +anybody should be angry with her; it frightens her, and she tries +her best to conciliate those that are angry. She is then meek, sweet +tempered, and looks into one's eyes with the pleading expression of a +child who is afraid to be punished. This always moved me deeply and +was my delight, as it kept up the delusion that I had only to open my +arms and she would fall upon my neck, if only to soften my resentment. +I cannot get rid altogether of this delusion, although convinced of +its futility; and even now I cherish some hope in a corner of my +heart that when we come to make it up, something will happen between +us,--she will make a kind of submission and will draw closer to me. On +the other hand I see in this mutual irritation a tacit acknowledgment +on the part of Aniela that I have the right to love her; for if she +admits the resentment springing from love, she must admit the love +itself. It is a shadowy right, dim and vague as a dream, without shape +or substance; yet I cling to it, for it saves me from utter apathy and +hopelessness. + + +2 August. + +I have received another letter from Clara Hilst. She must have divined +something; there is much pity and sympathy in her words, as if she +knew how wretched I am. I do not know and do not want to know, whether +she loves me as a sister or otherwise, I only feel that she loves me. +I answered her letter in the same hearty spirit, grateful for her +friendliness. She is going to Berlin now, and promises her appearance +in Warsaw for the winter. She wants me to come to Berlin, if only for +a few days. I will not go to Berlin, will not part from my troubles, +but shall be glad to see her again at Warsaw. With Aniela I speak only +of indifferent subjects, so as not to draw the attention of the elder +ladies to the state of things between us. When alone we are both +silent. I noticed several times that she was about to say something, +but seemed afraid; as regards myself I could only say, "I love you;" +and even that seems inadequate to express my feelings. + +There is now resentment in my love. The thought is troubling my mind +that she has a narrow heart, and that in this lies the secret of her +unyieldingness. To-day, when I come to think it over more calmly, I go +back to the conviction that she has some feeling for me, composed of +gratitude, pity, and memories of the past; but it has no active power, +cannot rise above prejudice,--even to the avowal of its existence. +It does not respect itself, hides, is ashamed of itself, and in +comparison with mine is as the mustard-seed to those Alps which +surround us. From Aniela one may expect that she will restrict it +rather than let it grow. It is of no use to hope or watch for anything +from her; that conviction makes me very wretched. + + +4 August. + +Some time ago I had a faint hope that under the influence of +indignation against her husband, Aniela might come to me and say: +"Since you have paid for me, I am yours." Another of my delusions. Any +other woman, with exalted notions fed upon French novels, might have +acted thus; or one who wanted only a pretext to throw herself into a +lover's arms. No; Aniela will never do that, and if such a thought +came into my mind at all it is because I too have been fed upon those +pseudo-dramas of the feminine soul, which at bottom illustrate only +the desire to cast virtue adrift. There is but one thing which would +push Aniela into my arms, and that is her heart; but no artificial +scenes, no phrases or false pathos. There is not the slightest +possibility of her yielding to these. + +If it be a great misfortune to love another man's wife, be she ever so +commonplace, it is an infinitely greater misfortune to love a virtuous +woman. There is something in my relations to Aniela of which I never +heard or read; there is no getting out of it, no end. A solution, +whether it be a calamity or the fulfilment of desire, is something, +but this is only an enchanted circle. If she remain immovable and I do +not cease loving her, it will be an everlasting torment, and nothing +else. And I have the despairing conviction that neither of us will +give way. + +If she has a narrow heart it will not trouble her very much. As to +myself I desire nothing more ardently than to get free from bondage; +but I cannot get free. I say to myself, over and over again, that it +must be done; and I put forth all my strength, as the drowning man +does to save himself. At times I fancy that I have achieved some kind +of victory, when lo! I see her passing under my window, my eyes rest +upon her, and I experience a shock in my heart; the whole depth of +my feeling is revealed, as the flash of lightning tears asunder the +clouds and shows the depth of the sky. Ah me! what torture to have to +deal with virtue, cold and merciless as the letter of the law! Even if +Aniela had no heart I should still love her, as a mother would love a +child though it were deformed. Pity then grows all the stronger,--and +so does pain. + + +5 August. + +What an inadequate, mean standard is human intellect when it comes to +measure anything great, awesome, or very lofty. Reason, which serves +well enough in the everyday conditions of life, becomes a drivelling +fool, like Polonius, in exceptional cases. It seems to me that the +usual ethical code cannot be considered a standard by which to measure +great passions. To see in an immense feeling like mine only the +infringement of this or that law, not to see anything else, not to see +that it is an element and part of those higher forces that mock at +empty rules, a godlike, immeasurable, creative power on which rests +the All-Life, is a kind of blindness and littleness. Alas, Aniela thus +looks upon my love! I suppose she often thinks I must respect her for +her conduct; while I--God knows, I do not say it because it concerns +my own fate, but judging her quite impartially--despise her, or at +least try not to despise her for it, and say to her inwardly: "I +should respect you and worship you a thousandfold if you could look +upon the matter differently, not as regards our relations, but as +regards love in general." + + +6 August. + +There is something in Gastein very health-giving. To-day I noticed +that Aniela has gained quite a brown color from the mountain air, and +looks very well; which is all the more noteworthy, as she has had many +troubles and anxieties. One of her troubles was the difference arising +between her and her husband, the humiliation of his accepting a loan +from me, and my love, which distracts her mind and troubles her peace. +Notwithstanding all this, the delicate face is glowing with health. +There is more color in it than before we came here. I recall the +time when she seemed almost to fade away in my eyes. I remember how +horrified I was at the thought that her life might be in danger. +To-day that fear at least has ceased to haunt me. If I knew that in +the future there would be even less pity for me, that my feelings for +her would count for nothing, but that she would be happy and full +of health, I should say: "Let her be pitiless, let her slight my +feelings, provided she be well." In the composition of true feeling, +there is the desire for personal happiness, but there is also tender +thoughtfulness and affection. + +Yesterday Aniela had donned one of her old dresses. I noticed it +at once, and the whole past stood before me. God only knows what a +turmoil there was within me. + + +7 August. + +My aunt has forgiven Aniela long ago. She loves her so much that if +I died she would still have somebody to cling to, provided Aniela +remained. To-day the dear old aunt was lamenting that Aniela had no +amusements, was sitting too much in the house and had seen nothing of +the beautiful scenery around except the road to Hofgastein. "If I were +only stronger on my feet I would go with you everywhere; your +husband ought to have shown you something of the country, and he was +continually tramping about by himself." + +Aniela assured her that she was quite satisfied, and did not want more +exercise. + +"I have nothing to do," said I, in the most careless manner, "and walk +a great deal. I can accompany Aniela wherever she wants to go, +and show her all that is worth seeing,--at least in the nearest +neighborhood." Then I added, in a still more indifferent voice: "It +is considered quite the proper thing. In a place like this mere +acquaintances walk out together, not to say anything about near +relations." + +Aniela did not say anything, but both the elder ladies were unanimous +in their opinion that I was right. To-morrow we are to go to the +Schreckbruecke. + + +8 August. + +We have entered into our compact, and henceforth a new life is to +begin for us both. It is not quite the same as I had shaped it, but +my future life must adapt itself to it. From now, everything will be +clear and definite between us. There will be nothing new, nothing to +be expected or looked out for, but at any rate I shall not be any +longer like a man who has no roof to shelter him. + + +9 August. + +Yesterday towards evening we went to the Schreckbruecke. The elder +ladies accompanied us as far as the Cascades; there they sat down on +the first bench they found, and we two went on alone. We both seemed +to feel that some serious conversation would take place. At first I +wanted to point out to her various places and tell her the names, but +had scarcely mentioned Schareck when it struck me as so incongruous +with the thoughts nearest our hearts that I grew silent. We could talk +only about our two selves, or else remain silent. And we walked on in +silence for a long time; this silence besides was necessary for me, +and gave me time to conquer that restlessness which seizes us when +we approach a great crisis. I got myself so far under control that I +resolved to speak of my love, with calmness and naturally, as if it +were a known and established fact. Experience had taught me that women +can be attuned to any disposition. Nothing influences the feminine +mind so much as the tone of conversation; and if the man in making a +proposal does it with the air of one who expects the earth to swallow +him as soon as he has uttered the words, that is, in terror and the +consciousness that he is doing something quite unheard of, that terror +and that consciousness communicate themselves very quickly to the +woman. Acting in the opposite way, the proposal loses much of its +impressiveness, but it goes smoother and creates less opposition. +Besides, I had already told her of my love; all I wanted now was to +prevent Aniela from going off at a tangent at the first tender word; +in that case conversation would become impossible. It was necessary to +introduce the subject in order to establish our future relations on a +proper basis. Considering all this, I said in a very quiet voice:-- + +"You cannot have the slightest idea how deeply you hurt me by that +project of your departure. I know very well that the reasons you +gave were only ostensible, and that I was the cause of that sudden +resolution. In making your plans you forgot only one thing, and that +is what would become of me. That did not enter into your calculation +at all. Believe me, it was not your departure which would have hurt +me, so much as the thought that I count for nothing in your life. You +might say that you meant it for the best and wanted me to forget you. +Do not try that, for the remedy would be worse than you suppose." + +Aniela's face in an instant was covered with burning blushes. It was +evident that my words had touched her to the quick. I do not know what +she would have said, on the spur of the moment, had not an accident +diverted her attention. Close to the road, there suddenly appeared one +of those cretins so common about Gastein. He was not a pleasant sight, +with that big head, immense goitre, and bestial expression of face. He +had risen so suddenly from amid the tall grasses that Aniela screamed +with terror. While she recovered herself and searched for some +money--I had forgotten my purse--several minutes elapsed. During that +time the impression my words had made upon her had grown less +vivid, and as we resumed our walk she said, in a sad voice, full of +inexpressible sweetness:-- + +"You have often been unjust to me, but never more so than now. You +think that it costs me nothing, that I have no heart; and yet I am not +a whit happier than you." + +Her voice seemed to fail, and my pulses began to beat wildly. It +seemed to me that one more effort and I should force from her a +confession. + +"Aniela!" I exclaimed, "for God's sake tell me what you mean!" + +"I mean that since I am unhappy, you must allow me to remain honest. +Dear Leon, I beg you to have pity upon me. You do not know how unhappy +I am! I would sacrifice everything except my honesty. Do not ask me to +give up that last plank of salvation,--because it is not right, one is +not allowed to sacrifice that! Oh, Leon, Leon!" + +She folded her hands and looked at me with eyes veiled by tears, and +her body trembling like an aspen leaf. I do not know, if I had taken +her into my arms she might have died afterwards from shame and sorrow, +but probably she would not have found the strength to resist. But at +that moment I forgot about my own self and saw only her. I threw at +her feet my senses, my passions, and my egoism. What did it all matter +where she was concerned? The beloved woman that defends herself with +tears, tears that do not flow for the sake of keeping up appearances +but from the depth of her sorrow, is invincible. I took both her +hands, kissed them with reverent love, and said:-- + +"It will be as you wish; I swear it upon the love I bear you." + +We both could not speak for some time. To confess the truth, I felt at +this moment a better and nobler man than I had ever been before. I was +like one who has passed the crisis in a severe illness, is still very +weak and exhausted, but glad of the dawning life before him. Presently +I began to talk to her, quietly and gently, not only as a lover but as +the nearest friend, whose main object is the happiness of the being +that belongs to him. + +"You do not want to stray from the right path," I said; "and I will +not lead you astray. You have changed me, and all the sorrows and +sufferings I endure have made a different man of me. Through you I +have come to understand the difference between love and passion. I +cannot promise that I shall cease to love you, for I cannot; I should +lie to you and to myself if I should promise that. I do not say it in +temporary exaltation, but as a man who has looked into his inmost self +and knows what is delusion and what truth. I will love you as if you +were dead,--I will love your soul. Do you agree to that, Aniela dear? +It is a sad love, but angelic. You can accept and return it. I make +my vow of faithfulness this moment, and it is as binding as if it had +been uttered before the altar. I shall never marry another woman; I +shall live for you only, and my soul will be yours. You too will love +me as if I had died. I do not ask for anything else; and you will not +refuse, because there is no sin. You have read Dante? Remember, he too +was married, and he loved Beatrice with the same love I ask from you; +he openly acknowledged the feeling, and the Church holds his poem as +almost a sacred thing. If you have that feeling for me in your heart, +give me your hand, and after that nothing will be able to come between +us or to mar our peace." + +Aniela, after a momentary silence, gave me her hand. "I always had +that friendship for you." she said, "and I promise you from my heart +and soul." + +I winced at the word "friendship," which is too small for me, and does +not express our feelings. But I did not say anything. "The word 'love' +still frightens her," I said to myself; "she will get accustomed to it +by and by;" and since the thing is essentially the same, it was not +worth while to disturb the peace at which we had arrived through +stormy seas of misunderstandings, troubles, and sorrows. We are both +so tired that the rest is welcome and is worth making some little +sacrifices for. + +Besides, it was a mere shadow, that disappeared in the joyful light of +the thought that the dear being belongs to me and is spiritually my +faithful wife. I would have given anything if to a question "Are you +really mine?" she had answered in the affirmative. I would have asked +the question a hundred times a day and never tired of the answer; +but at this moment I did not want to frighten her. I, who can make +allowance for so many things, understand that there are certain words +which, however expressive of the existing state of things they may be, +come with difficulty from a woman's lips,--especially from those of +such a woman as Aniela. Yet every word she said was a confession that +she loves me; and did she not consent that our souls should belong to +each other? What more could I wish for? + +When we had gone as far as the Schreckbruecke, we turned back. On the +way we tried to look at our new position, as people look around a new +house and try to make themselves at home in it. This did not come easy +to either of us at first. Even this pleased me, for it seemed to me +that thus bride and bridegroom would feel a few hours after they were +joined in wedlock, while yet they had not had time to grow accustomed +to each other. Nevertheless I spoke a great deal about us both. I +explained to her the holiness and purity of such a union as ours. I +tried to inspire her with trust and confidence. She listened to +me with a bright, serene countenance, and now and then turned her +beautiful eyes towards me. The serenity of the weather corresponded +with the serenity of our souls. The sun had gone down behind the +mountains; and they shone now in their evening dress of purple. I +offered my arm to Aniela, which she accepted, and so we went together +in the soothing stillness of the evening. Suddenly I noticed that her +step had grown uncertain, as if she were afraid of something, and her +face became very white. It lasted only a minute, but her disturbance +was so evident that I got frightened for her, and began to ask what +had frightened her. + +At first she did not want to tell me, but when I insisted she +confessed reluctantly that the unfortunate cretin had come into her +mind, and that for an instant she had felt afraid he might suddenly +jump up from the roadside. + +"I do not know," she said, "why he should have made such a horrible +impression on me, and feel ashamed to have such silly nerves, but I +would not meet him again for anything in the world." + +I soothed and comforted her, saying that nothing could happen to her +while I was by. She still kept looking uneasily at the roadside, but +presently our conversation dispersed the unpleasant impression. + +It was dusk when we arrived at the Cascades, but the evening was +exceptionally warm. On the square before Straubinger's a great many +people were listening to some strolling harpists. I do not know why +this solitary mountain pass should have reminded me so strongly of +Italy. It recalled to my memory the evenings on the Pincio, when I +thought how happy I could be had I Aniela at my side. I now felt her +arm resting upon mine, and still more felt her soul close to my own. +And thus, full of sweet peacefulness, we returned home. + + +10 August. + +I thought to-day much about what Aniela had said to me on the way to +the Schreckbruecke. I was particularly struck by the exclamation which +burst from her lips: "You do not know how unhappy I am!" There was +such deep sorrow, such a wail in these words, and an involuntary +confession that she does not love her husband, cannot love him; and +also that her heart, in spite of all her efforts, belongs to me. If so +she has been as unhappy as I. I say "has been," because at present she +is not. Now she can say to herself: "I can remain true and keep my +faith; and for the rest, I trust to God." + + +11 August. + +It came into my mind that I had no right to expect Aniela to sacrifice +everything for me. It is not true that one sacrifices everything to +love. If, for instance, I had an encounter with Kromitzki and she +adjured me in the name of our love to ask his pardon on my bended +knees, I would not do it. It is a fantastic, senseless supposition, +yet at the very thought the blood mounts to my head. No, Aniela dear, +you are right; there are things we may not sacrifice even to love. + + +12 August. + +We went in the morning on the Windischgraetzhoehe. It is about three +quarters of an hour on foot, but I got a horse for Aniela, which I led +by the bridle. Walking at her side, I rested my hand on the horse's +neck and at the same time touched her dress. Mounting on the horse's +back, she held on to me for a moment and the old Adam woke up very +strong in me. To kill him, I should have to annihilate my body and +become a spirit. I bound myself to keep my senses and impulses under +control, and I am doing so; but I did not bind myself not to have +them. I might as well have bound myself not to breathe. If the touch +of Aniela's hand made no more impression upon me than if it were a +piece of wood it would prove that I did not love her any longer, and +then all pledges would be unnecessary. Saying to Aniela that my whole +nature had changed in contact with her, I did not intend to deceive +her, but had not exactly defined the change. The truth is I only keep +myself in check. I renounced complete happiness in order to secure a +part of it. I preferred to have Aniela in this way to not having her +at all, and I think that every one who knows the meaning of true love +will understand me easily. If the passions are dogs, as the poets say, +I have chained them up, will starve them into submission, but I cannot +prevent their straining at the chain or emitting an occasional howl. + +I know to what I have pledged myself, and shall keep to it; there is +nothing else to do. In the face of Aniela's firmness of purpose there +is no room for any agreeing or disagreeing. The fear that she may take +back what she has given is enough curb for me. I rather exaggerate my +caution and wariness, so as not to frighten away the bird which I call +"spiritual love," and she calls "friendship." That word, which in the +first moment was merely a prick, enough to make me wince, is gradually +growing into a sore. At the time it seemed to me not expressive +enough, and now it appears to me too cautious, too full of conditions. +How strange that characteristic of feminine nature, not to call things +by their name. Yet I explained distinctly to Aniela what I was asking +for, and she understood me fully; and nevertheless she called the +feeling "friendship," as if she wanted to veil herself with it before +me, before herself and God. + +Looking at it from another point, it is true that a feeling devoid of +all earthly substance may be called by any name. There is sadness and +bitterness in the thought. This caution, common to very pure-minded +women, is undoubtedly the outcome of their modesty, but it does not +permit them to be generous. I might go straight to Aniela and say +to her: "I have sacrificed to you one half of my existence, and you +grudgingly dole me out your words; is it right?" And I tell her so +inwardly with reproachful eyes. It is difficult to imagine love +without generosity, without a desire to make some sacrifices. + +To-day on Windischgraetzhoehe we conversed together like two beings +closely connected by the ties of love and friendship, but there was +nothing in our speech that brother and sister might not have said to +each other. If we had made such an excursion before we had entered +into our compact, I should undoubtedly have taken some advantage of +it, kissed her hands or feet or even tried, if only for a moment, to +take her in my arms; to-day I walked quietly at her side, like one +who is afraid of the slightest frown. Partly I restrained myself on +purpose, thinking that in this way I should win her confidence and +favor. By this silence I meant to say: "You will not be disappointed +in me; I will take rather less than I have a right to,--so as not to +break our compact." + +But one feels hurt all the same, when the sacrifice is accepted +promptly and cheerfully as soon as it is offered. Involuntarily one +says inwardly to the beloved woman: "Do not let yourself be outdone in +generosity." And I said so,--but in vain. + +What is the result? A certain disappointment for myself. I used to +think if such a compact existed between us, I should have perfect +liberty within its boundaries; should be able to say, "I love you" as +often as I liked, and hear the same from her lips; and that this +would compensate me for all my torments, for the whole time of my +suffering,--in short that I should be king in that restricted kingdom; +but now it appears that my horizon gets narrower than ever, and doubts +arise within me that might be compressed in the query: "What have you +gained?" I try to chase the thoughts away. I have gained something. I +have gained the sight of a bright and happy face; I have gained the +smile; I have gained the delight of seeing her limpid eyes look +fearlessly into mine. If I feel cramped and not quite at home in the +new house, the reason is that I have not got used to it. Besides, +formerly I was without a roof to shelter me; and if I cannot always +see clearly what I have gained, I know perfectly well that I have lost +nothing. I shall never forget that. + + +14 August. + +My aunt begins to talk about going home. She is pining after her +beloved Ploszow. I asked Aniela if she would like to go. She said she +would; therefore I too am anxious to return. Formerly I attached some +vague, undefined hope to a change of place. Now I expect nothing; but +at Ploszow there are so many pleasant memories that I shall be glad to +see the place again. + + +16 August. + +The days flow now very evenly. I think much and I rest. My thoughts +are often sad, at times not without bitterness, but my soul was so +weary that I find this restfulness very soothing. It makes me feel +conscious how much better off I am than I used to be. I am mostly +with Aniela; we read together, and then discuss what we have read. +Everything I say to her is only a definition, a development of love; +everything tends in that direction; but strange to say I notice that +now I never speak of it directly, as if that feminine objection to +calling things by their proper names had also infected me. I do not +know why this is so, but it is a fact. And it grieves me,--sometimes +grieves me very much; and it pleases me, because I see that Aniela is +pleased, and what is more, loves me for it. In order to cement the +union of our souls, I have begun to speak much about myself so as not +to have any secrets from her. I am reticent only about such things as +might offend her delicacy of feeling or the purity of her thoughts. +I tried to initiate her into the workings of a spirit undermined by +scepticism and the want of a basis in life. I told her openly that I +had nothing to live for except her; told her also what was going on +within me after her marriage, what shocks had passed through my heart +and brain since my return to Ploszow; I spoke of this all the more +eagerly, as it was like a series of confessions, as it all meant: +"I loved you then, as I love you now, beyond expression." She was +deceived as to the meaning of these confidences and listened to them +as if there had been no question about her, with emotion, sympathy, +and possibly unconscious delight. I saw tears gathering in her eyes, +her breast heaved as if her whole spiritual being went out to me with +open arms saying: "Come to me; you have suffered enough and deserve +some happiness." And I reply with my eyes: "I do not ask, do not +remind you of anything; I am altogether at your mercy." + +I made those confidences also for another reason, namely, to introduce +the habit of mutual confidence between us, and make her tell me what +was going on in her mind at the same time. But I could not manage +it. I tried to ask, but the words seemed to come from her with such +difficulty, there was such evident constraint and uneasiness, that I +left off asking. To be quite open with me, she would have to reveal +all she felt for me and what was her relation to her husband. I wanted +her to come to that; but her modesty and her loyalty for the absent +husband would not permit her to speak. + +I understood all perfectly, but I could not help feeling very sore, +and my pessimism says: "It is you who pay the score; you give +everything, without getting anything in return; you are deceived in +thinking her soul belongs to you; even that soul remains a blank to +you; then what do you possess?" + +I admit the truthfulness of the utterance, but still I count upon the +future. + + +17 August. + +I am often reminded of the poet Mickiewicz's words, "Alas! it was only +a half-salvation!" But even if I did not see in that half-salvation +all that is wanting, I could not arrive at perfect peace. This would +be achieved only by not desiring anything more, in other words by +ceasing to love. There come upon me, more and more, moments of +despondency when I say to myself that this is only another enchanted +circle. I found some relief from torments I could bear no longer, that +is true; but relief is not the same as the removal of the pain. When +the famished Arab sucks pebbles instead of drinking water, he does not +satisfy his thirst; he only deceives it. Query: Do I deceive my self? +There are again two persons within me: the spectator and the actor; +and the one criticises and mocks the other. The sceptic Ploszowski, +the Ploszowski who has no settled and unshakable belief in the +existence of a soul, in love with a soul, appears simply ridiculous to +that critical number two. What is, after all, my relation with Aniela? +Sometimes I see in it merely the product of a diseased imagination. I +am now indeed like the bird that drags one wing on the earth. I have +doomed to paralysis one half of my being, live only half a life, and +love with half a love. It is a vain enterprise. To separate desire +from love is as impossible as to separate thought from existence. +Even religious feelings, the most ideal of all feelings, manifest +themselves by words, by songs, by kneeling, and kissing of sacred +objects; and I would deprive the love for a woman of all embodiment, +sever all connection with the earth, and make it live upon earth in a +transmundane shape! Love is a natural tendency and desire. What did I +take away from it? The tendency and the desire. I might as well have +gone to Aniela, and said to her, "Since I love you above everything, I +pledge myself to love you no longer." + +There is some terrible mistake in this. I had truly lost my way in the +desert; no wonder that I saw a Fata Morgana. + + +18 August. + +Yesterday I felt oppressed and troubled by various thoughts. I could +not sleep. I left off plunging into the depths of pessimism, and +instead of that began to think of Aniela and call her image before my +eyes. This always soothes me. My imagination strained to the utmost +point brings her before me so lifelike that I fancy I could speak to +her. I recalled to memory the time I had met her first as a grown-up +girl. I saw the white, gauzy draperies studded with bunches of +violets, the bare shoulders, and the face a little too small but fresh +like a spring morning, and so original in the bold outline of the +eyebrows, the long lashes, and that soft down on either side of the +face. It seems to me as if I still heard her voice saying, "Do you not +recognize me, Leon?" I wrote at the time that her face appeared to me +like music translated into human features. There was in her at the +same time the charm of the maiden and the attraction of the woman. No +other woman ever fascinated me so strongly, and there must needs cross +my way a Circe-like Laura to lure me away from the one woman I could +love, almost my bride. + +Nobody feels more than I that the words, "The spell thou hast cast +upon me lasts forever," are not a mere poetic fancy, but bitter +reality. Besides love and desire, I have for her an immense liking, +the tenderness of affection, and am drawn to her with the irresistible +force of the magnet to iron. And it cannot be otherwise, for she is +still the same Aniela, and is not changed in the least. It is the same +face of a little girl, with the charm of a woman, the same look, the +same eyelashes, brows, shoulders, and supple waist. She has now one +more charm,--that of the lost Paradise. + +What a tremendous gulf between our relations in the past and those in +the present. When I think of the Aniela who was waiting, as for her +salvation, to hear from me the words, "Will you be mine?" I can +scarcely believe it to have been true. Reflecting upon that, I feel +like the ruined magnate who at one time scattered his wealth about, +dazzling the world by his splendor, and in later years lived upon +charity. + +That night, when I thought about Aniela and evoked her image before my +eyes, it suddenly occurred to me that we had no portrait of her, and +a strong desire seized me to have her likeness. I grasped at the idea +with enthusiasm, and it made me feel so happy that it finally drove +all sleep from my eyes. "I shall have you," I said; "I shall be able +to look at you at any time, kiss your hands, your eyes, your lips; and +you will not be able to prevent it." I began at once to think how it +might be done. I could not go and say to Aniela, "Have your portrait +painted, and I will defray the expenses;" but with my aunt I could +always do what I liked, and a hint will be enough to make her wish for +Aniela's portrait. At Ploszow she has a whole collection of family +portraits, which are her pride, and my desperation, as some of them +are truly hideous; but my aunt will not have them removed out of +sight. Considering her deep attachment to Aniela, I was sure she would +be delighted with the idea of adding her picture to the collection. As +far as she is concerned I consider the thing done; but now came the +question whom to intrust with the execution of the portrait. I thought +it would be impossible to induce the ladies to take Paris on their +way; there I should have the choice between the accuracy and +objectivism of Bonnat, the bold breadth of Carolus Duran, and the +inimitable sweetness of Chaplin. Shutting my eyes, I imagined how each +of them would acquit himself of the task, and I was pleased with the +fancy. But I saw it was impracticable; I foresaw that my aunt would +insist upon a Polish painter. I should have no objection to that, for +I remembered seeing at the Warsaw and Cracow exhibition portraits as +excellent as from the brush of any foreign painter. I was only afraid +of the delay. As regards fancies, and also in many other things, there +is something eminently feminine in my composition. When I plan a thing +I want to get it done at once. As we were in Germany, not very far +from Munich and Vienna, I began to choose among the German painters. +I fixed upon two names: Lembach and Angeli. I had seen some fine +portraits by Lembach, but only men's; besides, I did not like his +self-assurance and sketchiness, which, as I am fond of French +painting, I can endure only from a Frenchman. Angeli's faces did not +altogether satisfy me, but I had to admit his delicacy of touch; and +that is just the thing wanted for Aniela's face. Besides, in order to +get Lembach we should have to go out of our way, and Angeli is on the +way,--a circumstance one is ashamed to confess, not wanting to be +regarded as a Philistine. But in this case I wanted to save time. "The +dead ride quick," as the poet says; but lovers ride quicker still. +Besides I should have chosen Angeli in any case, and finally decided +that he should paint Aniela's portrait. As a rule, I do not approve +of portraits in ball dress, but I resolved to have Aniela in a white +dress with violets. I want to have the delusion in looking at her that +she is the Aniela of the never-to-be-forgotten times. I do not want +anything to remind me that she is Pani Kromitzka. And besides, the +dress is dear to me as a memory. + +I thought the night would never end, so impatient was I to speak +about it to my aunt. I changed my plan though, for if my aunt had the +portrait painted, she would insist upon a Polish painter. I decided +instead to offer Aniela's likeness to my aunt on her name's-day, which +is towards the end of October. Put in this way, Aniela cannot refuse. +Of course I shall have a copy for myself. + +I scarcely slept at all, but look upon it as a satisfactory night, as +all the hours were occupied with these plans. I dozed a little towards +five, but was up and dressed at the stroke of eight. I went to +Straubinger's and sent a telegram to the Vienna Kuenstlerhaus +inquiring whether Angeli was at home, then returned to the villa +and found the ladies at the breakfast-table. I opened fire at once. +"Aniela," I said, "I have come to confess my guilt in regard to you. +Last night instead of sleeping I have disposed of your person, and it +now remains to be seen whether you will consent." + +She looked at me with half-frightened eyes. Perhaps she fancied I was +going mad, or that in a fit of despair I had made up my mind to blurt +out the truth before the elder ladies; but seeing my calmness she +asked:-- + +"How have you disposed of me?" + +"I wanted it to be a surprise for you, dear aunt, but I do not see +how it could be done in secret, and so I must tell you what present I +intend to give you for your name's-day;" and I told them what I had in +my mind. My aunt, who has an excellent portrait of me, painted some +years ago, was greatly delighted, and thanked me warmly. I saw that +Aniela was not less pleased, and that was enough for me. There and +then a lively discussion sprung up as to when and by whom the portrait +was to be painted, and the question of dress, so dear to the feminine +heart, had to be gone into with all details. I had a ready answer for +all questions and saw my chance of getting something else besides the +picture. + +"It will not take much time," I said. "I have sent a telegram to +Angeli, and I do not think it will delay our journey much. Aniela will +give Angeli five or six sittings, and as you would have to stop at +Vienna in any case to see Notnagel, there is no loss of time. The +dress can be painted from a model, and the face will be finished in +five sittings. But we must send at once Aniela's photograph and a lock +of her hair. The hair I must have at once. Then Angeli will be able to +make the rough sketch, and later on put in the finishing touches." +I counted upon the fact that none of the ladies knew much about +portrait-painting. I wanted the hair for myself, not for Angeli, to +whom it would have been of use only if he painted Aniela's portrait +from a photograph, to which he would not have consented. But I spoke +as if the whole portrait depended on that lock of hair. Two hours +after breakfast I received an answer to my telegram. Angeli is in +Vienna, where he is just finishing the portrait of the Princess M. I +wrote to him at once and sent him Aniela's photograph; then went out +to Aniela, who was walking in the garden. + +"And your hair?" I said; "I want to send the letter by the two-o'clock +post." + +She went at once into her room, and shortly afterwards returned with +a lock of hair. My hand shook a little as I took it from her, but my +eyes looked straight into hers and said in that glance:-- + +"Do you not guess that I want it for myself, that it will be for me +the most precious treasure?" + +Aniela did not say anything, but blushed like a girl who listens for +the first time to words of love. She had guessed it. I thought that +for one touch of those lips it would be worth while giving one's life. +My love for her becomes so strong at times that it is akin to pain. + +I have now a small part of her physical being. I got it by cunning. I +the man of the world, the sceptic, I who enter into myself and analyze +every thought, have come to practise little tricks and devices, +like Goethe's Siebel. But I say to myself, "At the worst I am only +sentimental and ridiculous." Who knows whether the second self that +reduces everything to consciousness with cold criticism is not more +foolish and more ridiculous? Analysis is like the pulling to pieces of +a flower. It spoils the beauty of life, therefore, its happiness--the +only sensible thing in life. + + +22 August. + +After the completion of Pani Celina's cure we waited for weeks till +the heat in the plains should have grown less intense, and at last the +weather broke and again delayed our journey. There has been an almost +Egyptian darkness for three days. The clouds which have been gathering +on the summits, breeding snow and rain, have descended from the +heights and enveloped Gastein as in a wet blanket. There is such a +mist that in the middle of the day I have to pick my way carefully +from Straubinger's to our villa. Everything is wrapped in a thick +veil,--the houses, the trees, the mountains, and cascades. The shapes +of things dissolve and disappear in the moist clouds that weigh upon +everything, and also upon the human mind. We light the lamps at two +o'clock in the afternoon. The ladies have finished packing, and we +should have gone in spite of the mist, but the road is torn up by the +mountain torrents beyond Hofgastein. Pani Celina again suffers from +headaches, and my aunt, after receiving a letter from Chwastowski +about the harvest, walks with heavy steps about the room, talking to +herself and scolding Chwastowski. Aniela looked pale and out of sorts +in the morning. She had a bad night and dreamed about the cretin she +had seen near the Schreckbruecke. She woke up, and could not go to +sleep again; she spent the rest of the night in nervous terror. It is +very strange what an impression the wretched cripple has made upon +her. I tried by cheerful conversation to make her forget about the +incident, in which I succeeded. Since our compact on the Schreckbruecke +she is without comparison brighter, more cheerful, and happier. + +As regards myself, seeing Aniela thus contented, I cannot find it in +my heart to complain, though it often occurs to me that our relation +is mainly based upon there being no relation at all. When I entered +into the compact I knew what I was doing and what shape our feeling +would take; but now that shape seems to be getting more intangible and +undefined, and wrapped up in a mist like that which enfolds Gastein. I +have a presentiment that Aniela will not grant me what is due to +me, and I dare not remind her about anything. I dare not, because a +struggle is too exhausting, especially a struggle for the woman we +love. I have been engaged in this struggle half a year and not gained +anything; and I feel so weary that I prefer the truce, such as it is, +to a renewal of my former warfare. There is also another reason. If +this state of things does not exactly answer to my expectations, it +pleases and conciliates Aniela. She fancies I love her in a nobler +way, therefore she appreciates, I dare not say loves, me more and +more. In spite of the absence of all outward signs, I see it and it +gives me courage; I say to myself, "If her feeling increases, only +persevere, and a time may come when it will be stronger than her power +of resistance." + +People generally, and women especially, fancy that the so-called +Platonic love is a peculiar species of love, very rare and very noble. +It is simply a confusion of ideas. There may be such a thing as +Platonic relations, but Platonic love is as much nonsense as dark +light. Even love for the dead consists of a longing after their bodily +presence as well as their souls. Among the living this feeling is +called resignation. + +I did not want to say an untruth when I told Aniela I would love her +as if she were dead; but resignation does not exclude all hope. In +spite of all my disappointments, in spite of the consciousness that my +hopes are vain, I still nourish in a corner of my heart the hope that +the present state of affairs is only a halting-place on the way +to love. I may repeat to myself over and over again, "Delusion! +delusion!" but I cannot get rid of it until I get rid of my desire. +They are inseparable. I agreed to the compact because I could not help +myself, because I preferred this to nothing at all; but I consider it, +almost unconsciously, as a diplomatic move which aims at complete, not +half happiness. What makes me nevertheless thoughtful, surprises, and +grieves me, and what I simply cannot understand, is that on this line +even I am defeated. My victories lie in the dim, far-off future; but +in the present, in spite of all my cunning, experience of life, strong +feelings, and diplomacy, I am defeated by a being infinitely more +simple than I, less skilled in life's tactics, less cautious and +calculating in the course she takes. It is a defeat; there is no other +word for it. What is our present relation? Nothing more than the +relation of brother and sister, which she wished for and which I did +not wish. Formerly I fought with the storm and often came to grief, +but I steered my own bark. Now Aniela steers for us both; we go more +smoothly and more evenly, but I feel I am going where I did not wish +to go. I now understand why she put out her hand at once, when I +mentioned Dante's love for Beatrice. She wanted to lead me. Has she +calculated everything beforehand more carefully and profoundly than I? +No; I do not know anybody less capable of any calculation, therefore +I cannot admit the idea; yet I cannot get rid of the consciousness, +bordering upon the mystical, that some one has calculated it for her. + +It is all very strange, and the strangest thing of all is that I +forged the fetters which bind me; I myself contrived to bring about +a relation so foreign to my nature, my views, and my most ardent +desires. If somebody had foretold to me, before I knew Aniela, that +I should hit upon such devices, it would have made me laugh at the +prophet and at myself. I, and Platonic relations! Even now I feel +sometimes inclined to laugh and jeer at myself. But I cannot; it is +sheer misery that has brought me to that pass. + + +23 August. + +We leave here to-morrow. The sky is clearing up and there is a +westerly breeze that promises fine weather. The mist has gathered into +long, whitish billows, that hang on the mountain sides, and like +huge leviathans are slowly rolling down. I went with Aniela on the +Kaiserweg. This morning the question arose in my mind what would +happen if the existing state of things ceased to satisfy Aniela. I +have no right to overstep the boundary, and I am afraid to do so; +suppose she too thought the same? Her innate modesty and shyness in +themselves would prove an almost insurmountable barrier; and if, added +to that, she thought the mutual agreement as binding for her as for +me, we should never come to an understanding; we should suffer in +vain. + +Reflecting upon this, I understood the futility of such fears. She, to +whom even that Platonic relation appears too broad, who consciously or +unconsciously restricts, and does not even grant me what is due to me +within these limits, should be the first to acknowledge any greater +rights. And yet the human soul, even if in hell, will never lose hope +altogether. In spite of the self-evident impossibility, I resolved to +make myself safe by giving Aniela to understand that if I considered +the agreement as binding, it was not the same with her. + +I wanted to say many other things, especially that she was doing me a +great wrong, and that my soul yearned to hear a word of love from her +lips, not once but many times, and that only thus I should be able to +remain on those lofty heights whereon she condemned me to dwell. But +that morning she was so gay, so cheerful and kind to me, that I had +not the heart to disturb her peace. Yesterday I could not understand +how a being so full of simplicity had got me under her power and +conquered me even on those fields I thought my exclusive domain. +To-day it seems clearer to me; and I have a ready and very sad +hypothesis,--she loves me less than I love her. + +I knew a man who had the trick of repeating in all his sentences, +"Never mind me." It would not be strange if I began to do the same. +For when I feel, as I do sometimes, a desire to get rid of some words +that almost burn my tongue, the sudden thought that I might mar her +cheerfulness, drive away the smile, and change her good disposition, +renders me mute. Ah me! how often this does happen! + +The thought that I love Aniela more than she loves me has crossed my +mind a hundred times; one day I think of it in one way, the next in +another. I am straying among my thoughts and look at the matter in a +different light every day. At one time it seems to me that she does +not care for me very much, in fact is incapable of any strong feeling; +and again, I not only think but am conscious that she has one of the +deepest and most loving hearts I ever met in the world. I have always +plenty of proofs either way. Thus I say to myself: "If her love +increases, three, four, ten times as much, will there not come a time +when it will grow stronger than her resistance?" Yes. Then it is only +a question of how great her feeling is? No. For if the feeling were +small she would not have suffered so much, and I have seen her suffer +almost as much as I did myself. Against all reasoning I have one +answer: "I have seen." + +To-day a sentence escaped her which I shall remember, for it is an +answer to my doubts. She would not have said this had I spoken about +us and our love. But I spoke in a general way, as I now always do. +I argued that it lay in the nature of feeling to be connected with +action; that love produces acts of will. When I had finished she said +quietly:-- + +"Not always. One may suffer." + +Of course one may suffer. With these few words she had crushed my +arguments and filled my heart with reverence for her. In moments like +these I am happy and unhappy, as again it seems to me that she loves +me as I love her, but will remain pure before God, and men, and +herself. And I shall not be able to shake that temple. When all is +said and done this analysis of her heart and feelings does not lead to +any certainty. I am always walking in the dark. To my philosophical +and social "I do not know" there is now added a personal +consideration, far more serious; for this "I do not know" threatens my +very life. + +I forged myself the chain which binds me to Aniela, and there is no +hope whatever that it ever will be broken. I love her despairingly, +and it is a question whether my love be not a disease. If I were +younger, less shattered in mind and nerves,--in short, of a more +normal disposition,--I might, seeing the hopelessness, try to break +that chain. As it is, I do not make even an effort. I love as a man +with diseased nerves, a man who is close upon mania; love as old +men do, clinging to love with all their might, as it is for them +a question of life. Thus one may cling to a branch overhanging a +precipice. + +This one thing has blossomed in my life, consequently its growth is so +out of all proportion. A phenomenon like this is easy to understand +and will repeat itself the oftener, the more people there are like me; +that is, hyper-analytical sceptics inclined to hysteria, with a great +nothingness in their souls, and a strong neurosis in their veins. This +modern product of our epoch, drawing to its end, may not love at all, +or may look upon love as mere licentiousness; but if it happen that +all the forces of one's life centre in one feeling, and come under the +sway of his neurosis, the predilection will become as ineradicable as +any other chronic disease. Physiologists have not fully understood +this, still less novelists, who occupy themselves with the analysis of +the modern human soul. + + +Vienna, 25 August. + +We arrived to-day at Vienna. On the way I listened to a conversation +between my aunt and Pani Celina, of which I took note, as it seemed to +make an extraordinary impression upon Aniela. We four were alone in +the railway carriage; we were discussing the portrait, and especially +the question whether the white dress would not have to be abandoned, +as the making of it would take up too much time. Suddenly Pani Celina, +whose mind is full of reminiscences and dates, which she quotes in and +out of season, turned to Aniela and said:-- + +"It is just two months to-day since your husband arrived at Ploszow, +is it not?" + +"I believe so," replied Aniela. + +At the same instant she grew very red and tried to hide her confusion +by taking down one of her bags from the rack. The blush had not gone +from her face when she turned round again, and there was in her face +an expression of acute pain. The ladies did not notice it, for they +were deep in a discussion as to the exact date of Kromitzki's arrival; +but I had noticed it and it grated upon my nerves, for it reminded me +that that very day she had to submit to his caresses. I was furious, +and at the same time ashamed for that blush of hers. In my love there +are many great thorns, but there are also a multitude of small, +hideous ones. Before that unlucky remark of Pani Celina's I felt +almost happy because I had the illusion that I was travelling with +Aniela as my affianced wife. Now in one moment the good disposition +fled. I felt resentment towards Aniela, and I showed it in my manners. +She noticed it at once, and when we arrived at Vienna and were left +alone for a moment, she asked:-- + +"Are you angry with me about something?" + +"No, but I love you," I said curtly. + +Her face grew sad. She thought, perhaps, that I had grown tired of the +peaceful current of our life, and the old Leon had come back again. +I felt angry with her, but angrier still with myself, that all my +philosophy and consciousness did not serve to give me the mastery over +the slightest sensations. + +I went at once to Angeli, but when I arrived at his studio it was +six o'clock and the studio was closed. Aniela will be rested, and +to-morrow I will go with her. I have changed my idea. I do not want +her in a ball-dress, showing her arms and shoulders; I will have her +as she is every day, and as I love her most. + +In the evening Doctor Chwastowski came to see us. He looks very well, +and as strong as a giant. + + +26 August. + +I had a very nasty dream. I begin with it the description of the day. +I am not one to attach any meaning to dreams, and I am convinced +that a healthy brain could not produce such stuff. Sleeplessness has +troubled me now for some time, but yesterday I had scarcely closed my +eyes when I fell into a heavy sleep. I do not know at what time I had +that dream; it must have been towards morning, for when I awoke it +was broad daylight, and I could not have dreamed long. I saw a great +quantity of cockchafers and black beetles crawl from under the +mattress and along the sides of the bed. They were as big as +matchboxes. Presently I saw them crawling up the wall. Strange how +realistic dreams can be; I distinctly heard the rustling of their +feet on the paper. Raising my eyes I noticed big clusters of beetles +hanging from the ceiling; but they were of a different kind, +much larger, with black and white spots. On some of them I could +distinguish the white belly, with two rows of feet on either side +which looked like ribs. In my dream they seemed quite in their place, +and yet horrible. They filled me with loathing, but I was neither +astonished nor afraid. Only after I had awoke the loathing became +unbearable and changed into a kind of fear,--fear of death. It was the +first time I had that sensation, and that fear of death took such a +form. "Who knows," I thought, "what hideous shapes are awaiting me in +the darkness, on the other side of life?" Later on I remembered that I +had seen some similar beetles in an entomological collection, but +at the time they seemed to me something unnatural, belonging to an +intangible after-life. I jumped up and raised the blind, and the sight +of daylight calmed me at once. The streets were already alive with the +traffic of the early morning,--vegetable carts drawn by dogs, servants +going to market, and laborers to their work. The sight of the normal +human life is the best remedy against phantasms like these. I feel now +an immense necessity for light and life. The final conclusion of all +this is that I am not well. My tragedy undermines me like a cancer. I +see white threads in my hair; this might have come in the course of +nature; but my face, especially in the morning, has a waxen hue, and +my hands are getting transparent. I am not getting thin, it is rather +the opposite, but I am conscious of anaemia as I am conscious of my +psychical state, and I feel that my vital powers are passing through a +crisis, and that some calamity is threatening me. + +I shall never go mad. I cannot even imagine how I could ever lose +control over myself. Besides, a celebrated physician, and what is +more an intelligent man, told me that at a certain point of developed +consciousness this was quite impossible. I think he has written a book +about it. But without going mad I may be on the eve of some portentous +nervous disease; and as I know a little what that means, I say +sincerely that any other would be preferable. + +I have not much faith in doctors, especially in those that trust to +physic, but I may take some advice if only to please my aunt. I know +one remedy, which would be infallible; if Kromitzki died and I could +marry Aniela I should speedily get well. A disease springing from +nerves must be cured through nerves. But she will not be my physician, +even if my life is in danger. + +I went with Aniela and my aunt to Angeli's studio. The first sitting +took place to-day. How right I was in saying that she is one of the +most beautiful women I ever met in life, because there is nothing +commonplace in her beauty. Angeli looked at her with manifest +pleasure, as if he had before him a noble piece of art. He was in +excellent spirits, drew the outline with enthusiasm, and did not +conceal at all the reason of his satisfaction. "In my profession," he +said, "a model like this is very rare indeed. With such a sitter it is +delightful to work. What a face! what expression!" + +The expression was by no means so charming as usual, because Aniela is +a shy little creature; she felt confused, bewildered, and it evidently +cost her an effort to keep a natural pose. Angeli understood that. + +"It will be easier the next time," he said; "like everything else, one +must get accustomed to it." And he repeated several times: "This will +be something like a portrait." + +He looked also with a pleased countenance at my aunt, who has noble +features and a singularly commanding presence. The way she met Angeli +was in itself a treat. It was the off-hand manner of the _grande +dame_, always in good taste, but evidently not making much of him. +Angeli, who is used to flattery and homage, and at the same time +a clever man, judged her aright, and I saw he was amused by her +demeanor. + +We had decided upon a black silk dress, very elegantly made. It shows +off Aniela's figure to perfection, its suppleness and rounded curves. +I can neither think nor write about it calmly. Angeli, addressing +Aniela, repeatedly called her "Mademoiselle." Feminine nature, even an +angelic one, has still its little weaknesses. I noticed that my dear +love was pleased, and still more so when I told Angeli of his mistake, +and he said:-- + +"But I shall always fall into the same mistake; looking at madame it +is impossible not to make the mistake." + +And indeed with those vivid blushes mantling in her face she was +surpassingly lovely. + +On our way out, when a little distance from my aunt, I whispered to +Aniela:-- + +"Aniela, do you know yourself how beautiful you are?" + +She did not say anything, but lowered her eyelashes, as she always +does in such a case. Nevertheless, I noticed that during the rest +of the day there was a shade of unconscious coquetry in her manner +towards me. Angeli's words and mine had attuned her to that +disposition. She knows I admire her, that never woman was admired +more, and it pleases her. I not only admired her, but I said inwardly, +rather shouted to myself: "To the deuce with all compacts. I love you +without limits and restrictions." + +In the evening we went to the opera to hear Wagner's "Fliegende +Hollander." I scarcely heard anything at all, or rather, heard and saw +only through her. I asked of Wagner: "What impression do you make upon +her? Does your music enter her soul and make her inclined to love me? +Do you transport her into higher spheres, where love is the highest +law?" That is the only thing that interests me. Women perhaps cannot +love so exclusively. They always reserve part of their soul for +themselves, for the world and its sensations. + + +27 August. + +My aunt expressed a wish to depart. She is anxious to be back at +Ploszow, and says that her presence here is not necessary, and that +in fact we should get on better without her; that we should not be +obliged to consider her and could devote all our time to the portrait. +We all protested a little, and maintained that a lady of her years +ought not to travel alone. Though reluctantly, I considered it my duty +to offer my companionship. I confess that I awaited her reply with +a certain trepidation; but the dear old lady said, with great +liveliness:-- + +"Don't think of it even. Suppose Celina should fall ill again, who +would look after them, or accompany Aniela to the studio? She must not +go alone." She shook her finger playfully at Aniela, and with a frown +on her brow, and smiling mouth she added: "I don't quite trust that +painter, he looks at her more than his work requires; and she sees it +too and is pleased with it,--I know her little ways." + +"But aunty, he is not a young man," said Aniela, laughingly kissing +her hands. + +My aunt muttered: "Little coaxing rogue, he is not a young man, you +say? but he pays you compliments all the same. Leon, you must keep +your eye on them." + +I relinquished the journey to Ploszow with delight, yielding to my +aunt's convincing reasons. Pani Celina insisted upon her taking the +maid, at least, who had gone with them to Gastein. My aunt refused at +first, but consented when Aniela pointed out that they would do very +well without a maid in the hotel. She gave orders at once to have her +things packed. She is very quick in her decisions and wants to go +to-morrow by an early train. I teased her during dinner, saying that +she liked her horses better than all of us together. "Foolish boy," +she said, "don't talk nonsense;" then forgot herself, and began +soliloquizing about the horses. The sitting was a very long one +to-day. Aniela posed much better. The face is already laid in. + + +28 August. + +My aunt left us this morning. Pani Celina, who went with us to the +studio, could scarcely restrain an exclamation of horror when she saw +Aniela's face on the picture. She has no idea about painting and the +different phases a picture has to go through, and fancied the face +would remain thus. I had to set her mind at rest. Then Angeli, who +guessed what was the matter, laughed and said that what she saw before +her was only the chrysalis, from which the butterfly would come forth +in time. + +"I believe it will be one of the best portraits I ever painted," he +said; "for a long time I have not worked so _con amore_." + +I hope his words will prove true. After the sitting I went to get +tickets for the opera. When I returned I found Aniela alone, and +suddenly temptation seized me with the force of a hurricane. I thought +if she would come into my arms, now was the moment; and at the very +thought I felt myself growing pale, my pulses beat wildly, I trembled +and caught my breath. The room was in semi-darkness, veiled by heavy +curtains. I made superhuman efforts to conquer the irresistible power +that pushed me towards her. It seemed as if a hot wave emanating from +her enfolded me, and that she too must feel the same storm in her +breast. "I must take her in my arms, kiss her eyes and lips," a voice +within me seemed to say, "though I were to perish for it afterwards." +She noticed at once my unusual state; there was a momentary terror in +her eyes, but she collected herself at once and said quickly:-- + +"You must be my guardian now in mamma's absence. There was a time when +I used to be afraid of you; but now I trust you and feel quite at ease +with you." + +I kissed her hands and said in a choking voice: "Oh, Aniela, if you +knew what is passing within me!" + +She replied, with sadness and compassion: "I know; you are so good, +and all the nobler." + +For a moment I still fought with myself; but she disarmed me,--I did +not dare. During the remainder of the day she tried to compensate me +for my restraint. Never had I seen in her eyes so much affection and +such tenderness. Is this not perhaps the best way, after all? Perhaps +in this guise the feeling will grow stronger and conquer her at last. +I do not know, I begin to lose my head. But following this road I +sacrifice every day my love for love's sake. + + +29 August. + +Something very strange and terrifying has happened. During the +sitting, while posing quietly, Aniela suddenly shuddered, her face +grew very red and then turned as white as snow. Both Angeli and I were +terribly frightened. He interrupted his work at once and asked Aniela +to rest; I brought her a glass of water. After a few moments she grew +better and wanted to resume the pose; but I saw that it cost her some +effort and that she still seemed dazed. Perhaps she was tired. The +weather is very hot to-day and the streets are like a baker's oven. We +went back much sooner than the day before, and I noticed that she had +not recovered her usual spirits. During dinner she grew suddenly very +red. Pani Celina asked whether she felt indisposed. She assured us +that nothing was the matter with her. To my offer to go and bring +a doctor, she replied with unusual vivacity, and with a touch of +irritation, that there was no need for it, that she was not ill. +During the remainder of the day she was pale, the black eyebrows +contracted every now and then, and there was an expression of +sternness in her face. She was more indifferent to me than yesterday, +and I fancied she avoided my eyes. I cannot make out what it means. I +am very restless, and shall not be able to sleep; or if I go to sleep +I shall have dreams such as I had before. + + +30 August. + +There is something mysterious going on around me. Towards noon I +knocked at the room of the ladies, to let Aniela know it was time to +go to the studio; but they were not there. The hotel servant told me +they had ordered a carriage two hours before and driven into town. A +little surprised at that, I resolved to wait for their return. Half +an hour later they came in, but Aniela gave me her hand silently and +passed at once into her room. A quick glance at her face told me it +was troubled. I thought she had only gone to change her dress, when +Pani Celina said:-- + +"My dear Leon, please go to Angeli and apologize for Aniela; her +nerves are so shaken that she cannot possibly sit for him." + +"What is the matter with her?" I asked, anxiously. + +Pani Celina seemed at a loss what to say, and at last replied: "I do +not know; I took her to the doctor, but we did not find him at home. I +left my card and asked him to call on us at the hotel; that is all I +can tell you." + +I could not get anything more out of her. I took a cab and drove at +once to Angeli's studio. When I told him that Aniela could not come +it seemed to me as if he looked suspicious. Perhaps the troubled +expression of my face had something to do with it. It crossed my mind, +"Suppose he suspects us to have changed our minds, and that we do not +want the portrait any longer?" He does not know us; he might even +think that some money difficulties are the cause of my anxiety. +To guard against such suspicions, I made up my mind to pay him in +advance. When he heard of this, he protested vehemently and said he +never accepted payment until the picture was finished; but I replied +that I was only the depositary of the sum, and as I might be called +away at any moment, I would rather get rid of the trouble. After some +more discussion, which bored me, it was settled according to my wish. +We agreed that the sitting should take place at the same hour the day +following, and in case Pani Kromitzka was still unable to attend I +would let him know before ten. When back at the hotel, I went at once +to the ladies. Aniela was in her room. Pani Celina said the doctor had +just gone away, but did not say anything conclusive; only advised her +to keep quiet and avoid emotion. I do not know why, but I fancied I +saw again in her face the same hesitation. Possibly it comes only from +her anxiety about Aniela, which I can well understand, as I feel the +same. + +When in my own room I reproached myself bitterly for having been, at +least partly, the cause of this; as all this struggle between her love +and her duty could not but act perniciously upon her health. Thinking +of all this, I had a sensation which might be summed up in a few +words: "Better I should perish than that she should suffer." I thought +with terror that she would not come down to dinner, as if something +serious, God knows what, had depended upon it. Fortunately she did +come down; but she still avoided my eyes, and there was the same +mysterious something in the air. First she grew confused at seeing me, +and then made an effort to be her usual self, but failed. She made +upon me the impression of a person that tries to conceal a trouble. +She must have been paler too than usual, for though she cannot be +called dark she almost looked like a brunette. + +I racked my brain to guess what could have happened. Was it anything +connected with Kromitzki; and if so, what could it be? Perhaps my +money is in danger. The deuce take the money! All I possess may +perish, rather than that Aniela should have a moment of anxiety. I +must get at the bottom of the mystery to-morrow. I am quite sure it +has to do with Kromitzki; but what can he have done? He has not sold +another Gluchow, for the simple reason that there is not another to +sell. + + +Berlin, 5 September. + +I am at Berlin, because escaping from Vienna I had to go somewhere. I +could not go to Ploszow, because she will be there. I was so convinced +that no human power could tear me from her that the very idea of +separation seemed to me a wild impossibility. But no! It is always the +unexpected that happens, for I have gone away, and everything is at +an end. I am at Berlin. I feel as if I had an engine in my head, the +wheels of which keep whirring incessantly. This hurts me; but I am +not mad. I know everything and remember everything. My physician was +right; it is only weak heads that come to grief. Besides, it could not +happen to me, because insanity sometimes means happiness. + + +6 September. + +Yet at times I fancy that my brain is bursting bounds. What is there +more natural than that a married woman should have children? But to me +that natural order seems so monstrous that it well-nigh maddens me. +Yet a thing cannot be at the same time in the order of nature and +a monstrosity. No brain can withstand that. What does it mean? I +understand that those whom fate means to crush are crushed by some +great, overwhelming calamity. With me it is different. I am rent +asunder by an ordinary, natural event,--and the more natural, the more +terrible it is. One contradicts the other. She is not responsible,--I +understand that because I am not mad. She is still virtuous, and yet +I could have sooner forgiven her any other crime. And I cannot, God +knows I cannot forgive you, because I loved you so much. And believe +me, there is not another woman in the whole world I scorn so much as I +scorn you. For, after all, it comes to this: you had two lovers, one +for Platonic love and the other for matrimonial love. There is in me a +wild desire to laugh, and at the same time to dash my head against the +wall. I had not foreseen that a way could be found to tear me from +you; and yet there is one, and it has proved effective. + + +8 September + +When I come to think that all is at an end between us, and that I have +left her forever, I can scarcely believe it. There is no Aniela for me +any more. Then what is there? Nothing. Then why do I live? I do not +know. It is not out of curiosity to know whether a son or a daughter +will be born to Pan Kromitzki. I always think of it as the most +natural thing in the world, and my head seems nigh to bursting. It +is very strange! I ought to have been prepared for that, and yet the +thought never entered my head. I should have sooner expected a stroke +of lightning to fell me down. Yet Kromitzki was with her at Ploszow; +they were together in Vienna, and afterward in Gastein. + +And I put it all down to her nerves, to her deep feelings! What +egregious foolishness! Since I could bear to see the two together, I +ought to be able to put up with the consequences. Alas, it is not +my reason that revolts, it is my nerves that quiver under these +consequences. There are people in whom these two forces dwell in +harmony; within me they worry each other like dogs. That is another +of my misfortunes. How is it I never thought of it? It ought to have +struck me that if there were any terrible coincidence, any blow more +painful than another, it would be reserved for me. + +Sometimes it seems to me as if I were hunted by a Providence that, not +satisfied by the logic of facts that contain in themselves a Nemesis, +took a special delight in fastening personally upon me. There are +many others who love their neighbors' wives, and they do not suffer, +because they love less honestly, more thoughtlessly. Is there any +justice in that? No, it is not that. There is no self-conscious +thought in the ordering of these things; they happen by chance and by +virtue of necessity. + + +10 September. + +The thought still pursues me that as a rule human tragedy is the +outcome of exceptional events and calamities, and mine comes from a +natural event. Really I do not know which is worst. The natural order +of things seems to me past bearing. + + +11 September. + +I have heard that a man struck by lightning stiffens, but does not +fall down at once. I too keep up, sustained by that thunderbolt that +struck me, but I feel myself falling. As soon as it grows dark in the +evening something strange takes place within me. I feel so oppressed +that it costs me an effort even to sigh; it seems as if the air could +not get to my lungs, and that I breathe with only a part of them. +During the night, and also in the day, a sudden nameless terror seizes +me,--terror of nothing in particular. I feel as if something horrible +was going to happen, something worse than death. Yesterday I put the +question to myself: "What would become of me if, in this foreign town, +I suddenly forgot my name and where I lived, and wandered on and on in +darkness without knowing where I was going?" + +These are sick fancies. Besides, in such a case that would happen to +my body which has already happened to my soul; for in a moral sense I +do not know where I dwell,--I walk in darkness, aimlessly, in a kind +of madness. I am afraid of everything, except of death. Strictly +speaking, I have a strange sensation as if it were not that I am +afraid, but as if fear dwelt in me, as a separate being,--and I +tremble; I cannot bear darkness now. In the evening I go out and walk +in the streets, lighted by electric lamps, until I am thoroughly +tired. If I met anybody I knew, I should escape, if to the other end +of the world; but crowds have become a necessity to me. When the +streets are getting empty I feel terrified. The thought of night fills +me with nameless fear. And how long they seem, these nights! + +I have continually a metallic taste in my mouth. I felt it for the +first time that night when I came home and found Kromitzki waiting +for me; the second time I felt it when Pani Celina told me the "great +news." What a day! I had gone to ask how Aniela was, when the doctor +had seen her for the second time. There was not the slightest +suspicion in my mind; I did not understand anything even when Pani +Celina said: "The doctor says that those are purely nervous symptoms, +and have nothing to do with her state." + +Seeing that I did not understand, she said, with a certain +uneasiness:-- + +"I must tell you the great news." + +And she told me the "great news." When I heard it I felt the metallic +taste in my mouth, and a cold sensation in my brain, exactly as I had +felt that evening I met Kromitzki unexpectedly. I went into my room. +I remember among other things that I felt an immense desire to +laugh. That ideal being, for whom even Platonic love seemed to be +impermissible, and who instead of "love" used the word "friendship!" I +felt a desire to laugh, and at the same time to dash my head against +the wall. + +I preserved nevertheless a mechanical self-possession. It came from +the consciousness that everything was over and done with; that I +must go--that there was nothing for it but to go. That consciousness +transformed me into an automaton, doing by routine everything that +was necessary for my departure. I was even conscious of keeping up +appearances. Why? I do not know, as this did not matter now to me any +longer. Most likely it was an instinctive action of the brain, which +for months had been trained in concealing the truth and keeping up +appearances. I told Pani Celina that I had seen a doctor, and that he +said there was something amiss with my heart, and ordered me to go to +Berlin without delay,--and she believed it. + +Not so Aniela. I saw her eyes dilated with terror, and in her face the +expression of a degraded martyr; and there were two persons within me: +one who said, "Is it her fault?" and another who despised her. Oh, why +did I love her so much? + + +12 September. + +It is almost two weeks since I left. They must be at Ploszow by this +time. I wrote to-day a letter to my aunt, because I was afraid +she might be uneasy about me and come here to look after me. I am +sometimes astonished to find there is still somebody that cares what +becomes of me. + + +13 September. + +There are men who lead astray other men's wives, deceive them, and +afterwards throw them aside and quietly resume their every-day life. +I have never done any such thing, and if Aniela had been my victim I +should have wiped the dust from off her path; no human power could +have torn me from her. There are greater crimes than mine, but upon +me has fallen such a burden that it gives me the impression of an +exceptional punishment; and I cannot help thinking that my love must +have been a terrible crime. + +This is a kind of instinctive fear, against which scepticism is no +safeguard. And yet by all moral laws it must be admitted that it would +be a greater offence to lead a woman to ruin without love, and do from +calculation what I did from a deep love. Surely the responsibility +cannot be greater for an immense, overpowering feeling than for a mean +little weakness. + +No! therefore my love is, above all, an awful calamity. A man free +from prejudices can imagine how he would feel if he were swayed by +prejudice; so, too, a man who doubts may imagine how he could pray if +he had the faith. I not only have the feeling, but it breaks forth +into a complaint, almost like a sincere prayer, and I say: "If I am +guilty, O God! I have been punished severely, and a little mercy might +be shown to me." But I cannot even imagine in what shape that mercy +could come to me now! It is impossible! + + +14 September. + +They must have gone back to Ploszow by this time. I still think of +Aniela very often, for we cannot wipe out the past; especially when we +have nothing to look for in the future; and I have nothing, nothing +at all. If I had faith I might become a priest; if I were a man who +denies the existence of God I might become a convert. But within me +the organs with which we believe are withered, as sometimes a limb +withers. I do not know anything except that in my sorrows I do not +find comfort in religion. + +When Aniela married Kromitzki, I thought everything between us was +over. I was mistaken. It is only now I have the full conviction that +everything is over; for now we are divided not only by our will and +my departure, but by something that is beyond us, by forces of nature +independent of us. We are like two parallel lines that can never meet, +though we wish for it ever so much. On Aniela's line there will be +suffering, but there will be also new worlds, a new life; on mine +there is nothing but solitude. She doubtless understands that as well +as I. I wonder whether sometimes she says to herself: "It is I who, +without intending it, have ruined that man." It does not matter much +to me, and yet I should like to know that she is sorry for me. Maybe +she will feel a little sorry until her child is born. After that all +her feelings will flow into one channel, and, for her, I shall not +exist any longer. That also is a law of nature,--an excellent law. + + +16 September. + +I saw to-day on an advertisement in big letters the name of Clara +Hilst. I now remembered that she had told me in her last letter that +she was going to Berlin. She is here, and she is going to give several +concerts. At the time, the news neither pleased nor displeased me. +Now, in proportion as my nervous restlessness increases, the sensation +grows more distinct, and takes a twofold shape: the thought that she +is near acts soothingly on me, but the thought is sufficient, and I +would rather not see her; and when I say to myself that I ought to +call on her it gives me an unpleasant sensation. Clara has that +inquisitive solicitude that wants to know everything and asks +questions. She has a strong leaning towards romantic situations, and +the firm belief that friendship is a remedy for all evils. For me to +make confidences is simply impossible. I often, lack the strength even +to think of what has happened. + + +17 September. + +Why do I wake up in the morning? Why do I exist? And what do I care +for acquaintances or people in general? I did not go to see Clara, +because she can have nothing to say to me that could possibly interest +me, and it wearies me beforehand. The whole world is as entirely +indifferent to me as I am to the world. + + +18 September. + +I did well to write to my aunt. If I had not done so she would have +come here. She writes thus:-- + +"Your letter came to hand the same day that Celina and Aniela arrived. +How are you now, my dearest boy? You say that you are all right, but +is that really and truly so? What did the doctors in Berlin say, and +how long do you think of remaining there? Send me a telegram whether +you are still there, and I will come to you at once. Celina says you +went away so suddenly that she and Aniela were terribly frightened. If +you had not mentioned that the doctor most likely will advise a sea +voyage, I should have started off at once after receiving your letter. +It is only some fifteen hours by rail, and I feel stronger than ever. +The congestions I used to have have not returned. I am very anxious +about you, and do not like the idea of the sea at all. You are used to +that sort of thing, but I shudder at the thought of ships and storms. +Celina is quite well, and Aniela fairly so. I hear that you have been +told the news. Before leaving Vienna they consulted a specialist, and +he said there was no doubt whatever about Aniela's state. Celina is +overjoyed, and I too am glad. Perhaps this will induce Kromitzki +to give up his speculations and settle at home. Aniela will now be +altogether happy, having an aim in life. She looked rather tired +and as if oppressed when she came back, but that may be only the +consequence of the journey. + +"Sniatynski's child has been very bad with croup, but is better now." + +Reading my aunt's letter gave me the impression that there is no room +for me among them, especially near Aniela. Even my memory will soon +become unpleasant to her. + + +19 September. + +I cannot imagine myself as living a year or two hence. What shall I +do? Such utter aimlessness ought to debar one from life. Properly +speaking, there is no room for me anywhere. + +I did not go to see Clara, but met her in the Friedrichsstrasse. +Seeing me she grew pale from joy and emotion, and greeted me with +such effusion that it pleased and pained me at the same time. I was +conscious that my cordiality towards her was a mere outward form, and +that I did not derive any pleasure from the meeting. When she had +recovered from the surprise at meeting me thus unexpectedly, she +scrutinized my face anxiously. Truly I must have presented a strange +sight; and my hair has become much grayer too. She began to inquire +after my health, and in spite of my friendship for her, I felt that +to see her often would be more than I could stand. I resolved to put +myself on guard against this; I told her that I did not feel very +well, and was shortly going away to a warmer climate. She tried to +persuade me to come and see her; than asked after my aunt, Pani +Celina, and Aniela. I put her off with general remarks. I thought to +myself that she perhaps is the only being who would have understood +me, and yet I felt that I could not open my heart to her. + +Nevertheless I am still susceptible to human kindness. At moments, +when those honest blue eyes of Clara's looked into mine with such +kindliness and such keen scrutiny, as if they wanted to look into my +very soul, her goodness humiliated me so that I felt a desire to weep. +Clara, in spite of my effort to seem as usual, noticed that I was +changed, and with quick feminine intuition she guessed that I speak, +live, almost think mechanically, and that my soul is half dead within +me. She left off all searchings and inquiries, but became very tender. +I saw that she was afraid of wearying me. She also tried to make +me understand that in the tenderness she was showing there was no +concealed intention of winning my regard, but only the desire to +comfort me. And it did comfort me, but I could not help feeling very +tired. My mind is not capable of any concentration, any effort to +maintain a conversation, even with a friend. And besides, since the +one aim of my life has vanished from my eyes, everything appears to me +so empty that I have continually the question in my mind: "What is the +use of it? what can it matter now?" + + +21 September. + +Never in my life have I passed a more terrible night. I had a +sensation of terror, as if I descended by endless steps into deeper +and deeper darkness, full of horrible, indefined, moving shapes. I +made up my mind to leave Berlin; I cannot breathe under that heavy, +leaden sky. I will go back to Rome, to my house on the Babuino, and +settle there for good. I think my accounts with Aniela and the world +in general may be considered as closed, and henceforth I will quietly +vegetate at Rome until my time comes. Anything for tranquillity! +Yesterday's visit to Clara convinced me that even if I wished it, I +cannot live with others, since I have nothing wherewith to repay their +kindness. I am excluded from general life and stand outside, and +though I am conscious of the indescribable solitude, I have no wish to +go back. The idea of Rome and my hermitage on the Babuino smiles upon +me; it is a pale, sorrowful smile, but I prefer it to anything else. +There I spread my wings to fly out into the world, and thither I go +back with broken wings,--to wait for the end. + +I am writing mostly in the morning, for at night I always descend +to those dark regions wherein fear dwells. To-day I shall go to the +concert and say good-by to Clara. To-morrow I depart. On the way I may +stop at Vienna, perhaps see Angeli, but am not certain. I am never +certain how I shall feel, or what I shall do the next day. + +I received to-day a note from Clara, in which she asks me to come and +see her after the concert. I shall go to the concert because there are +so many healthy-minded people there that I feel safer in their midst; +and they do not tire me, as they are personally unknown to me; I see +only the crowd. But I shall not go to Clara. She is too kind. It is +said of persons dying from starvation that for some time before their +death they cannot bear the sight of food. In the same way my spiritual +organism cannot stand sympathy and kindness. It cannot bear memories +either. It is a very small thing, but I know now why that visit to +Clara was such a trial to my nerves. She uses the same scent I brought +from Vienna for Aniela. I have noticed the same thing before, that +nothing recalls to the mind a certain person so distinctly as when one +inhales the perfume she is in the habit of using. + + +22 September. + +I have broken down at last. I caught a chill yesterday coming from +the concert-room, where the air was very close. I did not put on my +overcoat, and when I arrived at the hotel I was chilled to the bone. +Every breath I draw gives me a sensation as if my lungs in +expanding came in contact with two rows of needles hidden under the +shoulder-blade. I feel alternately very hot and very cold. I am +continually thirsty. At times I feel so weak that I could not go +downstairs. There is no question now about going away; I could not get +into the carriage without help. While writing I hear my own breath +coming three times as quick and loud as usual. I am quite certain that +but for my nerves the sudden chill would not have done me any harm, +but in my present state of nervous prostration I have lost all power +of resistance. It is undoubtedly inflammation of the lungs. + +I shall keep up as long as I can. In the morning as soon as I felt +ill, I wrote to my aunt, telling her I was all right, and would leave +Berlin in a few days. In a few days, if I am still conscious, I shall +write the same. I asked her to send all letters and telegrams to my +banker here. I shall take care that nobody at Ploszow knows about my +illness. How very fortunate I said good-by to Clara yesterday. + + +23 September. + +I am worse than yesterday. I am feverish and at times conscious that +my thoughts wander, but I have not lain down. When I shut my eyes the +border line between the real and the outcome of my sick brain seems to +vanish altogether. But I have still control over my senses. I am only +afraid the fever will overpower me and I shall lose consciousness +altogether. + +The thought comes now and then into my mind that I, a man more richly +endowed by fate than so many others, who could have a home, a family, +be surrounded by loving hearts, sits here lonely and in sickness, in +a strange place, with nobody near him to give him a glass of water. +Aniela would be near me too--I cannot go on. + + +14 October. + +I resume my writing after an interval of three weeks. Clara has left +me. Seeing me on a fair way to recovery she went to Hanover and +promised to come back in ten days. She nursed me during the whole +time of my illness. It was she who brought a doctor to me. I should +probably have died but for her. I do not remember whether it was the +third or fourth day of my illness she came here. I was conscious, but +at the same time as indifferent as if it were not to me that she had +come, or as if her being there were an every-day occurrence. She came +with the doctor, whose thick, curly, white hair attracted my attention +and fascinated me. After examining me he asked me several questions, +first in German, then in French; and though I understood what he said, +I did not feel the slightest inclination to answer, could not make an +effort,--as if my will-power had been struck down by the disease, as +well as the body. + +They worried me that day with cupping, and then I remained quiet +without any sensations. Sometimes I thought that I was going to die, +but this did not trouble me any more than what was going on around me. +Perhaps in severe illness, even when conscious, we lose the sense of +proportion between great and small matters, and for some reason or +other our attention is mainly fixed upon small things. Thus, for +instance, besides the doctor's curly hair, I was greatly interested in +seeing them push back the upper and lower bolt of the door of the room +adjoining mine, which Clara intended to occupy. I remember that I +could not take my eyes off that door, as if something depended on +whether it would open or not. Presently the surgeon came in who was to +look after me under Clara's supervision. He began to say something to +me, but Clara motioned him to be silent. + +I am still very tired, and must leave off. + + +16 October. + +My nerves have quieted down during that long illness. I have none of +those terrors that haunted me before. I only wish Clara would come +back as quickly as possible. It is not so much a longing for her +presence, as the selfishness of the convalescent, who feels that +nothing can replace her tender care and nursing. I know she will not +dwell close to me any longer; but her presence soothes me. Weakness +and helplessness cling to the protecting power as a child clings to +its mother. I am convinced that no other woman would have done for me +what Clara did; other women would have thought more of the proprieties +than of saving a man's life. Thinking of this, bitterness rises in my +throat, and there is one name on my lips--But those are things better +left alone, as long as I have not strength enough to think about them. +Clara used to sleep fully dressed on the sofa in the room next to +mine, with the door open. Whenever I moved she was at once at +my bedside: I saw her by night, leaning over my bed, her hair +disarranged, and eyes winking with sleeplessness and fatigue. She +herself measured out my physic, and raised my head from the pillow. +When, in moments of consciousness, I wanted to thank her, she put a +finger to her lips as a sign that the doctor had enjoined quietness. I +do not know how many nights she spent at my bedside. She looked very +tired in the daytime, and, when sitting near me in an armchair, +sometimes dozed off in the middle of a sentence. Waking up she smiled +at me, and dozed again. At nights she walked to and fro in her own +room, in order to keep awake; but so softly that I could not have +known it but for the shadow moving on the wall, which I saw through +the open door. Once, when she was near me, not knowing how to express +my gratitude, I raised her hand to my lips; she stooped down quickly, +and, before I could prevent it, kissed my hand. But I must confess +that I was not always so grateful. Sick people as a rule are fanciful +and irritable; I felt irritated at her being so tall. I felt a kind of +resentment that she was not like Aniela; for so long a time I had been +in the habit of acknowledging grace and beauty only in so far as they +approached the grace and beauty of that other one. + +Sometimes, looking at Clara, I irritated myself inwardly by the most +singular thought that she is beautiful, not because nature meant +her to be beautiful,--not by right of her race,--but by a fortunate +accident of birth. Sometimes other beautiful feminine heads made +upon me the same impression. These are subtle shades which only very +delicate and sensitive nerves can perceive. + +There were moments, especially at night, when, looking at Clara's face +grown thin and tired with watching me, I had a delusion that I saw the +other one. This happened when she was sitting in the half-light, a +certain distance from my bed. This delusion was fostered by fever and +a sick brain, for which impossibilities do not exist. Sometimes my +mind wandered and I called Clara by that other's name, spoke to her as +if she were Aniela. I remember it as if in a dream. + + +17 October. + +The banker B. sent me some letters written by my aunt. She asks me +about my plans for the future. She writes even about the crops, but +nothing about the inmates of Ploszow. I do not even know whether they +be alive or dead. What an irritating way of writing letters. What do I +care about the crops, and about the whole estate? I replied at once, +and could not disguise my displeasure. + + +18 October. + +To-day I received a telegram from Kromitzki addressed to Warsaw. My +aunt, instead of sending its contents in another telegram, put it into +an envelope, and sent it by post. Kromitzki entreats me to save my own +money and his whole future by sending him another twenty-five thousand +roubles. Beading this I merely shrugged my shoulders. What do I care +now for Kromitzki or my money? Let it go with the rest! If he only +knew the reason I helped him the first time, he would not ask me now. +Let him bear his losses as quietly as I bear mine. Moreover, there is +awaiting him the "great news;" that ought to comfort him. Rejoice as +much as you can; have as many children as you like; but if you think I +am going to provide for their future, you ask a little too much. + +If at least she had not sacrificed me with such inconsiderate egoism +to her so-called "principles." But enough of this; my brain cannot +stand it,--let me at least be ill in peace. + + +20 October. + +They cannot let me alone,--found me even here. Again for two days I +had no peace; again I press both hands against my head to stop that +whirring sound in my brain. I think again of Ploszow and of her, +and of the solitude that is awaiting me. It is a fearful thing +when suddenly something goes out of our life for which we lived +exclusively. I do not know whether illness has weakened my brain, but +I simply cannot understand various phenomena that I perceive within +myself. It seems as if jealousy had outlived my love. + +It is a twofold jealousy,--a jealousy not only of facts, but of +feelings. I am torn by the thought that the child which is to be born +will take Aniela's heart from me, and what is more, and concerns me +most, it will bring her closer to Kromitzki. I would not have her now +if she were free; but I cannot bear the thought of her loving her +husband. I would give all that remains of life if nobody would love +her, and she not love anybody any more. Under such conditions life +might be endurable still. + + +21 October. + +If what is now in my mind does not save me, I shall again fall ill, or +perhaps go mad. I am making up my accounts. Is there anything owing to +me from life? Nothing. What is awaiting me in the future? Nothing. If +so, there is no reason why I should not make a present of myself +to somebody whom that present would make happy. For my life, my +intellect, my abilities,--for the whole of my own self I would not +give a stiver. Moreover, I do not love Clara; but if she loves me, and +sees her happiness in me, it would be cruel to refuse her what I hold +so very cheap. I should consider it my duty to tell her what she is +taking; worse for her if it does not discourage her,--but that will be +her concern. + +This plan attracts me chiefly for one reason,--namely, it widens the +gulf that separates me from the other one. I will prove to her that, +as she has taken her own way, I am able to take mine. Then there will +be an end of it. But I am thinking of her still! I notice it, and +it puts me into a rage. Perhaps it is hatred now; but it is not +indifference. + +Pani Kromitzka probably fancied that I tore myself away forced by +circumstances; she will see now that it was also my wish. And the +thicker the wall I raise up between us, the sooner I shall be able to +banish her from my mind. As to Clara, I repeat that I do not love her; +but she loves me. Moreover, I owe her a debt of gratitude. During my +illness there were moments when I considered Clara's devotedness a +piece of German sentimentality, and yet the other one would not have +found courage enough for such sentimentality. It would be more in +accordance with her exalted virtue to let a man die than to see +him without his necktie; this is a freedom reserved for the lawful +husband. Clara did not care anything about such things; she gave up +for me her music, exposed herself to trouble, sleepless nights, and +possibly to the world's comments, and stood by me. I contracted +towards her a debt, and am going to pay it. I pay it badly and in +bad faith; for I offer to her what I do not value myself,--the mere +remnants of what was once a man. But if she values it, let it be hers. + +To my aunt it will be a disappointment; it will hurt her family pride +and patriotic feelings. Yet, if my aunt could but know what has been +lately going on in my heart, she would prefer this matrimonial scheme +to that other love; I have not the slightest doubt as to that. What +does it matter that Clara's ancestors were most probably weavers? I +have no prejudices; I have only nerves. Any casual view I take tends +rather towards liberalism. Sometimes I fancy that people professing to +be liberals are more narrow in their views than conservatives; but, on +the other hand, liberalism itself is resting on a larger basis than +conservatism, and more in accord with Christ's teachings; but I am +wholly indifferent to both parties. It is scarcely worth speaking or +reasoning about them. Real unhappiness shows us the emptiness of mere +partisan hair-splittings. Involuntarily I fall to thinking, "How will +Aniela receive the news of my resolve?" I have been so accustomed to +feel through her that the painful habit still clings to me. + + +22 October. + +This morning I sent the letter to Clara. To-morrow I shall have a +reply, or perhaps Clara herself will come tonight. In the afternoon +they sent me a second despatch from Kromitzki. It expresses as much +despair as a few words can contain. Things seem to have turned out +very badly, indeed; even I did not think ruin would come so quickly. +Some unexpected circumstances must have intervened that even Kromitzki +could not have foreseen. The loss I incur does not make a great +difference to me; I shall always be what I was,--but Kromitzki? Why +should I deceive myself? There lurks somewhere in a corner of my heart +a certain satisfaction at his ruin,--if only for the reason that these +two will be now entirely dependent on us; that is, upon my aunt, who +is the administrator of the Ploszow estate, and myself. In the mean +while I do not intend to reply at all. If I changed my intention +it would be to send him my congratulation at the expected family +increase. Later on it will be different. I will secure their future; +they shall have enough to live upon and more. + + +23 October. + +Clara has not arrived, and up to this moment there is no answer. This +is the more strange as she used to write every day, inquiring after my +health. Her silence would not surprise me if I thought she wanted even +ten minutes to make up her mind. I shall wait patiently; but it would +be better if she did not put it off. I feel that if I had not sent off +that letter, I should send now another like it; but if I could take it +back I should probably do so. + + +24 October. + +This is what Clara writes:-- + +Dear Monsieur Leon,--Upon receiving your letter I felt so foolishly +happy that I wanted to start for Berlin at once. But it is because I +love you sincerely that I listened to the voice which said to me that +the greatest love ought not to be the greatest egoism, and that I had +no right to sacrifice you for myself. + +You do not love me, Monsieur Leon. I would give my life were it +otherwise; but you do not love me. Your letter has been written in a +moment of impulse and despair. From the first instant of meeting you +in Berlin I noticed that you were neither well in body nor easy in +your mind, and it troubled me; the best proof of this is that although +you had wished me good-by, I sent every day to the hotel inquiring +whether you had gone, until I was told you were ill. Afterwards, +nursing you in your illness, I became convinced that my second fear +had been also right, and that you had some hidden sorrow, one of those +painful disappointments, after which it is difficult to be reconciled +to life. + +Now I have a conviction--and God knows how heavily it weighs upon +my heart--that you want to bind your life to mine in order to drown +certain memories, to forget and put a barrier between you and the +past. In the face of that is it possible that I could agree to what +you ask? In refusing your hand, the worst that can happen to me is +that I shall feel very unhappy, but I shall not have to reproach +myself with having become a burden and a dead weight upon you. I have +loved you from the first time we met, therefore it is nothing new +to me; and I have got used to the sorrow which is the inevitable +consequence of separation and the hopeless certainty that my love will +never be returned. But even if my life be sad, I can weep either with +tears in the usual woman-fashion, or through my music as an artist. I +shall always have that comfort at least, that when you think of me it +will be as a dear friend or sister. With this I can live. But if I +were your wife and came to see that you regretted your impulsiveness, +were not happy, perhaps learned to hate me, I should certainly +die. Besides, I say to myself: "What have you done to deserve such +happiness?" It is almost impossible to imagine perfect happiness. Can +you understand that one may love somebody with all one's heart in a +humble spirit? I can understand it, for I love thus. + +What I am going to say seems to me overbold, yet I do not feel it in +my heart to give up hope altogether. Do not be angry with me; God is +merciful, and the human soul is so athirst for happiness that it would +fain leave a door open for it to enter. If you ask me again in half a +year, a year, or any time in life the same question, I shall consider +myself rewarded for all I have suffered, and for the tears I am +shedding even at this moment. + + +Clara. + +There is within me something that is keenly conscious and can +appreciate every word of this noble letter. Not a syllable is lost to +me, and I say to myself: "All the more reason for asking her again; +she is so honest, simple, and loving." But there is also that other +self, very tired, who had all the strength taken out of him, who can +give sympathy but no love; because he has staked his all upon one +feeling, and sees clearly that for him there is no return. + + +28 October. + +I am quite certain that Clara will not come back to Berlin; and what +is more, that when she went away it was with the intention of not +coming back again. She wanted to avoid my gratitude. I think of her +gratefully and sadly, and am sorry she did not meet a different man +from me. There is such an irony of fate in this! But what is the use +of deceiving myself? I am still yoked to my memories. I see before me +Aniela, as she appeared to me at Warsaw, as I saw her at Ploszow and +Gastein; and I cannot tear myself away from the past. Besides, it has +absorbed so much of my strength and life that I am not surprised at +it. The difficulty is, not to remember. Every instant I catch myself +in the act of thinking about Aniela, and I have to remind myself +that she is changed now, that her feelings will be going, have gone +already, into another direction, and that I am nothing to her now. + +Formerly I preferred not to think of my wrecked condition, because my +brain could not stand the thought; now I do it sometimes on purpose, +if only to defend myself against the voice that calls out: "Is it her +fault? and how do you know what is passing in her heart? She would not +be a woman if she did not love her own child when it comes into the +world, but who told you that she is not as unhappy as you are?" At +times it seems to me that she is even more unhappy, and then I wish +for another inflammation of the lungs. Life with such a chaos of +thoughts is impossible. + + +30 October. + +With my returning health I am gradually drifting back into the magic +circle. The doctor says that in a few days I shall be able to travel. +I will go hence, for it is too near Warsaw and Ploszow. It may be one +of my nervous whims, but I feel I shall be better and more at rest in +Rome on the Babuino. I do not promise myself to forget the past; on +the contrary, I shall think of it from morning until night, but the +thoughts will be like unto meditations behind cloister walls. Besides, +what can I know of how it will be? All I know is that I cannot remain +here any longer. I shall call upon Angeli by the way; I must have her +portrait at Rome. + + +2 November. + +I leave Berlin, I renounce Rome, and go back to Ploszow. I wrote some +time ago that Aniela is not only the beloved woman, but the very +crown of my head. Yes, it is a fact; let it be called by any +name,--neurosis, or an old man's madness; I have got it in my blood +and in my soul. + +I am going to Ploszow. I will serve her, take care of her, do for her +what I can; and for all reward let me be able to look at her. I wonder +at myself that I fancied I should be able to live without seeing her. +One letter from my aunt brought out all that was buried within me. My +aunt says:-- + +"I did not write much about us, because I had nothing cheerful to tell +you; and as I am not clever at disguising things, I feared I should +make you uneasy, knowing that you were not well. I am in terrible +anxiety about Kromitzki, and should like to have your advice. +Chwastowski showed me his son's letter, in which he says that +Kromitzki's affairs are in a deplorable state, and that he is +threatened with legal prosecution. Everybody has deceived him. He +suddenly received orders to deliver a great quantity of goods, and as +the appointed term was very short, he had no time to look into things +and see whether everything was as it should be. It turned out that all +the goods were bad,--imitations, and second and third rate quality. +They were rejected; and in addition Kromitzki is threatened with a +trial for defrauding the agency. God grant that we may be able to +prevent this, especially as he is innocent. Ruin does not matter, +provided there be no disgrace. I am altogether at a loss what to do +and how to save him. I do not like to risk the money I intended Aniela +to have, and yet we must not let it come to a trial. Tell me what to +do, Leon; for you are wise and will know what is expedient in these +matters. I have not told Celina anything about it, nor Aniela,--and I +am very anxious about Aniela. I cannot understand what is the matter +with her. Celina is the worthiest of women, but she always had +exaggerated ideas about modesty, and has brought up Aniela in the same +way. I do not doubt that Aniela will be the best of mothers, but now +I am quite angry with her. A married woman ought to be prepared for +consequences, and Aniela seems to be in despair, as if it were a +disgrace. Nearly every day I see traces of tears in her eyes. It +torments me to see her looking so thin and pale, with those dark +rings under her eyes and ready to burst into tears at the slightest +provocation; and there is always an expression of pain and humiliation +in her face. I have never in my life seen a young woman so distressed +at her situation. I tried persuasion and I tried scolding,--all in +vain. Perhaps I love her too much, and in my old age am losing my +former energy; but then she is such an affectionate creature! If you +only knew how she asks after you day by day, whether a letter has +arrived and if you were well, when you will be going, and how long you +mean to stop at Berlin. She knows I like to speak about you, and +she makes me talk for hours. God give her strength to bear all the +troubles that are awaiting her. I am really so concerned about +her health that I positively dare not give her any hint about her +husband's position. But sooner or later it must come to her ears. I +have not said anything to Celina either, because she is troubled about +Aniela, and cannot understand why she should take her position so +tragically." + +Why? I alone in the world understand and could have answered that +question,--and that is the reason I go back to Ploszow. It is not her +position she takes tragically, but my desertion. My despair she is +aware of, the sundering of those ties that have grown dear to her from +the time when after so much suffering, so many efforts, she contrived +to change them into ideal relations. Only now I enter into her +thoughts, into her very soul. From the moment I came back to Ploszow +there arose a struggle between duty and feeling in that noble heart. +She wished to remain true to him to whom she had promised her faith, +because her spiritual nature abhors impurity and falsehood; and at the +same time she could not help being drawn to the man she had loved with +all the fresh feelings of her young heart,--all the more as the man +was near her, loved her, and was supremely unhappy. Whole months had +passed in that struggle. At last there came a moment of peace, when +the feeling had become a union of souls so pure and unearthly that +neither her modesty nor her loyalty could take exception to it. This +is the reason of her unhappiness; I am reading now her soul as an open +book,--therefore I go back. + +I also now see clearly that I would not have left her if I had had a +complete certainty that her feelings would outlast all changes in her +life. The mere animal jealousy that fills my mind with rage because +another has rights over her which are denied to me would not have been +sufficient to drive me away from the one woman who is all the world to +me. But I thought that the child, even before it was born, would take +possession of her heart, draw her closer to her husband, and blot me +out of her heart and life forever. + +I do not delude myself even now, for I know that I shall not be to +her what I have been, nor what I might have been but for the combined +forces of circumstances. I might have been the dearest and only one +for her, attaching her to life and happiness; now it will be quite +different. But as long as there is a glimmering spark of feeling for +me I will not leave her, because I cannot; I have nowhere to go. + +Therefore I return; I shall nurse that spark, fan it into life again, +and get some warmth from it for myself. I am reading again my aunt's +words: "If you only knew how she asks after you day by day, whether a +letter has arrived, and if you were well, when you will be going, and +how long you mean to stop at Berlin," and I cannot fill myself enough +with these words. It is as if I had been starving, and somebody had +given me a piece of bread. I am eating it, and feel as if I could cry +from sheer gratitude. Perhaps God's mercy toward me is beginning to +appear at last. For I feel that I am changed; the former self has +died in me. I shall not revolt against her will any more; I will bear +everything, will soothe and comfort her; I will even save her husband. + + +4 November. + +After thinking it over, I remain two days more at Berlin. It is a +great sacrifice for me, because I can scarcely contain myself in my +impatience; but it is necessary to send a letter to prepare her for my +coming. A telegram might alarm her, as also my sudden arrival. I have +sent off a cheerful letter, winding up with a friendly message for +Aniela as if nothing ever had happened between us. I want her to +understand that I am reconciled to my fate, and that I come back the +same I was before I left her. My aunt must have counted upon my coming +on receipt of her letter. + + +Warsaw, 6 November. + +I arrived this morning. My aunt awaited me at Warsaw. At Ploszow +things are a little better. Aniela is much calmer. There is no news +from Kromitzki. + +The poor old aunt met me with a horrified exclamation,--"Leon, +whatever has happened to you?" She did not know I had been so ill, +and protracted illness alters one's appearance; and my hair has +grown quite gray on the temples. I even thought of darkening it +artificially. I do not want to look old now. My aunt, too, had changed +very much, and although it is not so long since we parted, I found a +great difference in her appearance. Her face has lost its familiar +determined expression, though her features have grown more immovable. +I noticed that her head is trembling a little, especially when she +is listening with deep attention. When with some inward trouble I +inquired after her health, she said, with her usual frankness, "After +my return from Gastein I felt very well; but now everything seems to +go wrong, and I feel that my time is coming. We Ploszowskis all end +with paralysis; and I feel a numbness in my arm every morning. But it +is not worth talking about; it will be as God ordains." + +She would not say anything more. Instead of that we took counsel +together how to help Kromitzki, and we resolved not to let it come to +a criminal prosecution if we could help it. We could not save him from +ruin, as this would have involved our own ruin, which, if only in +consideration for Aniela, we must avoid. I made a proposition to +settle Kromitzki here, by giving him one of the larger farms. God +knows how my mind recoiled from, the very thought of his being always +with Aniela, but to make my sacrifice complete I had made up my mind +to swallow the bitter draught. + +My aunt offers one of her farms, and I am furnishing the necessary +capital to establish him, which, taken together, will be Aniela's +dowry. Kromitzki will have to pass his word not to embark in further +speculation. But before that can be done we must get him free, and for +that purpose we are going to send out an able lawyer with instructions +and ample means. + +When we had finished our consultation I began to inquire after Aniela. +My aunt told me, among other things, that she was very much changed, +and her former beauty almost gone. Hearing this, I felt the more pity +for her. Nothing will be able to turn my heart from her. She is the +very crown of my head. I wanted to start off at once for Ploszow, but +my aunt said she felt tired, and wanted to pass the night at Warsaw. +As I had told her about my having had inflammation of the lungs, I +suspect she remained on purpose so as not to let me travel in bad +weather. It has been raining since morning. Besides we should not have +been able to go, as Kromitzki's affairs must be dealt with at once. + + +7 November. + +We arrived in Ploszow at seven in the evening. It is now midnight, and +the whole house is asleep. Thank God, the meeting did not excite her +much. She came out to me with hesitating step, and there was fear and +shame in her eyes; but I had vowed to myself to meet her as if we had +parted yesterday, and take care to avoid anything in the nature of +reconciliation, anything to remind her that we had parted under +unusual circumstances. When I saw her coming, I put out my hand, +saying cheerfully,-- + +"How do you do, dear Aniela? I have been longing to see you all, and +it made me put off my sea voyage for another time." + +She understood at once that such a greeting meant reconciliation, +peace, and the sacrifice of myself for her sake. For a moment there +passed across her face a wave of such emotion that I felt afraid she +would lose command over herself. She wanted to say something and could +not; she only pressed my hand. I thought she might burst into tears, +but I did not give her time, and continued quickly in the same tone:-- + +"What about the portrait? The head was finished when you left Vienna, +was it not? Angeli will not send it soon, because he said to me it +would be his masterpiece. He will want to exhibit it in Vienna, +Munich, and Paris. It is lucky I asked him to make a copy, otherwise +we might wait a year before we got it. I wanted a copy for myself." + +She was obliged to fall in with my humor in spite of all the emotions +that worked in her breast, especially as my aunt and Pani Celina took +part in the conversation. In this way the first awkward moments were +tided over. Everything I said was intended to divert our attention +from the real state of feelings. I kept on in the same strain all the +evening, although at times I felt the perspiration breaking out on my +forehead from the effort. I was still weak after my recent illness, +and all this told upon me terribly. + +During supper Aniela looked at my pale face and the gray hairs. I +saw she guessed what I must have suffered. I spoke about my Berlin +experiences almost gayly. I avoided looking at her changed appearance, +so as not to let her see that I had noticed it, and that the sight +moved me deeply. Towards the end of the evening I felt faint several +times, but I fought against it, and she did not see anything in my +face except calmness, serenity, and boundless affection. She is very +keen-sighted; she knows, perceives, understands things very quickly; +but I fairly surpassed myself,--I was so natural and so much at my +ease. Even if there be still any lingering doubt in her mind as to my +submission, she has none as to my affection and her being to me the +same worshipped Aniela. + +I noticed that she seemed better and evidently began to revive in the +warmer atmosphere. I had indeed reason to be proud of myself, for +I brought at once an appearance of cheerfulness into a house where +dulness had reigned paramount. My aunt and Pani Celina appreciated it +keenly. The latter said frankly when I wished her good-night:-- + +"Thank Heaven, you have come. Everything looks different at once with +you in the house." + +Aniela, pressing my hand, said shyly, "You will not go away soon, will +you?" + +"No, Aniela," I replied; "I will not go away again." And I went, or +rather fled, to my room, because I felt that I could bear the strain +no longer. There had been such an accumulation of misery and tears in +my heart during that evening that I felt half choked. There are small +sacrifices that cost more than great ones. + + +8 November. + +Why do I repeat to myself so often that she is as the crown of my +head? Because one must love a woman more than life, consider her as +the crown of life, if he does not leave her under circumstances like +these. I am perfectly aware that mere physical repugnance would have +driven me from any other woman; and since I remain here the thought +occurs to me again that my love must be an aberration of the nerves, +which could not exist were I a normally healthy specimen of mankind. +The modern man, who explains to himself everything by the word +"neurosis," and is conscious of all that is going on within himself, +has not even the comfort which a conviction of his own faithfulness +might give him. For if he says to himself, "Your faithfulness +and perseverance are signs of disease, not virtues," it adds one +bitterness the more. If consciousness of all these things makes life +so much more difficult, why do we take so much care to cultivate it. + +To-day, by daylight, I noticed how much Aniela is changed, and my +heart was torn at the sight. Her mouth is swollen, and the once so +pure brow has lost its purity and clearness. My aunt was right,--her +beauty is almost gone. But the eyes are the same as those of the +former Aniela, and that is enough for me. That changed face only +increases my pity and tenderness, and she is dearer to me than ever. +If she were ten times more changed I should love her still. If this be +disease, I am sickening with it, and do not wish to get well again; I +would rather die of this disease than of any other. + + +9 November. + +A time will come when under changed circumstances she will recover her +beauty. I thought of it to-day and at once asked myself what would be +our relations towards each other in the future, and whether it would +make any change. I am certain it will not. I know already how it feels +to live without her, and shall not do anything which might make her +cast me off. She will always remain the same; I have now not the +slightest doubt that I am necessary to her life, but I know also that +she will never call the feeling she has for me by any other name than +great sisterly affection. What matters the name? it will be always the +ideal love of one soul towards another; and that is lawful, because +permitted to brother and sister. Were it otherwise, she would be in +arms against it at once. + +In regard to this I have no illusion whatever. I have already said +that since she changed our mutual relations into ideal feelings, they +have become dear to her. Let it remain thus, provided they be dear to +her. + + +10 November. + +It is an altogether wrong idea that the modern product of civilization +is less susceptible to love. I sometimes think it is the other way. He +who is deprived of one lung breathes all the harder with the remaining +one; we have lost much of what makes up the sum of life, and are +endowed instead with a nervous system more highly strung and more +sensitive than that of our ancestors. It is quite another matter that +a lack of red globules in our blood creates abnormal and unhealthy +feelings, and the tragedy of human life rather increases therefore +than grows less. It is increased for the very reason that, whereas the +former man in his disappointments found consolation in religion +and social duties, the modern man does not find it there. Formerly +character proved a strong curb for passions; in the present there is +not much strength in character, and it grows less and less because of +the prevailing scepticism, which is a decomposing element. It is like +a bacillus breeding in the human soul; it destroys the resistant power +against the physiological craving of the nerves, of nerves diseased. +The modern man is conscious of everything, and cannot find a remedy +against anything. + + +11 November. + +There has been no news from Kromitzki for some time; even Aniela has +not heard from him. I sent him a telegram to inform him that a lawyer +was coming out to him to set his affairs straight; then I wrote to +him,--trusting to chance that he may get the letter; for we do not +know where he is at present. No doubt the telegram and letter will +find him in time, but where or when we do not know. The elder +Chwastowski has written to his son; perhaps he first will hear +something as to how matters stand. + +I spend whole hours with Aniela, with nothing to disturb us. Pani +Celina, who knows now about Kromitzki's position, asked me to prepare +Aniela for any news she might be likely to receive. I have already +told Aniela what I think in regard to her husband's speculation, but +only from a personal point of view. I told her even that she ought not +to take it to heart if he lost all his money, which after all might be +the best thing that could happen to him, as then he might be able to +settle to a quiet, practical life. I set her mind at rest as to the +money I had lent him, and said that was all right; I also told her +something of my aunt's plans for their future. She listened with +comparative calmness and without showing signs of emotion. What most +gives her strength and comfort is the consciousness that so many +loving hearts are near her. I love her now beyond all words; she sees +it,--she reads it in my eyes, and in my whole manner towards her. When +I succeed in cheering her up, or call forth her smiles, I am beside +myself with delight. There is at present in my love something of the +attachment of the faithful servant who loves his mistress. I often +feel as if I ought to humble myself before her, as if my proper place +were at her feet. She never can grow ugly, changed, or old to me. I +accept everything, agree to everything, and worship her as she is. + + +12 November. + +Kromitzki is dead! The catastrophe has come upon us like a +thunderbolt. God keep Aniela from any harm in her present state. +To-day came a telegram to the effect that, accused of fraud and +threatened with imprisonment, he has taken his life. I should have +expected anything but that! Kromitzki is dead! Aniela is free! But how +will she bear it? I have been looking again and again at the telegram, +to make sure I am not dreaming. I cannot yet believe my own eyes; but +the signature, "Chwastowski," vouches for its truth. I knew it could +not end well, but I never supposed the end would be so speedy and so +tragic. No! the thought never crossed my mind. + +I feel as if I had received a blow on the head. If my brain does not +give way now, it can bear anything. I once helped Kromitzki, and +latterly I have done what I could for him, consequently I have nothing +to reproach myself with. There was a time when from my whole soul I +wished him dead,--that is true; but it is all the more to my credit +that I helped him in spite of that. And death has overtaken him, not +in consequence of anything I did, but in spite of it. And Aniela is +free! Strange, though I know it, I cannot believe it altogether. I +am as if only half conscious. Kromitzki to me was a mere stranger, +moreover the greatest obstacle in my way. The obstacle is removed, +therefore I ought to feel a boundless joy; and yet I cannot, dare not +feel it,--possibly because a fear of the consequences for Aniela is +connected with it. My first thought when I received the telegram was: +"What will happen to Aniela? How will she bear the news?" God guard +her! She did not love the man, but in her present state a shock may +kill her. I am thinking of taking her away from here. + +What a fortunate thing that I received the telegram in my own room, +and not in the dining-room. I do not know whether I should have been +able to control my features. For some time I could not recover myself +from the sudden shock. I then went to my aunt, but did not show her +the telegram. I said only:-- + +"I have had bad news about Kromitzki." + +"What has happened?" + +"You must not be shocked, aunty." + +"They brought him up for trial,--is that it?" + +"No, it is worse; he is brought up for trial, but before a higher +tribunal than ours." + +My aunt winked with both eyes vigorously. + +"What do you mean, Leon?" + +I showed her the telegram. She read it, and without saying a word went +to her prie-Dieu and buried her face in her hands. After a short time +she rose from her knees and said:-- + +"Aniela may pay for it with her life. What is to be done?" + +"She must not know anything until after the child is born." + +"But how can we prevent it? It will be in everybody's mouth; the +papers will discuss it. How can we keep it from her?" + +"Dearest aunt," I said, "there is only one way. We must have the +doctor here and ask him to prescribe for her a change of air. Then I +will take her and Pani Celina to Rome. There I can keep all news from +her. Here it would be difficult, especially when the servants come to +hear about it?" + +"But will she be able to bear the journey?" + +"I do not know; it all depends upon what the doctor says; I will send +for him at once." + +My aunt agreed to my proposal. It was really the best thing to do +under the circumstances. We resolved to take Pani Celina into our +confidence, in order that she might further our plan of departure. I +saw all the servants, and gave strict orders that all letters, papers, +and telegrams should be brought direct to my room, and nobody approach +the young lady with any news or gossip whatever. + +My aunt was terribly shocked. According to her views, suicide is one +of the greatest crimes anybody can commit; therefore with the pity for +the unfortunate man, there was a great deal of horror and +indignation. "He ought not to have done this," she said over and over +again,--"especially now when he expected to become a father." But I +suppose he might not have received news of that. During the last few +weeks he must have been in a state of feverish anxiety, travelling +from one place to another as the entangled position of his affairs +drove him. + +I dare not condemn him, and will confess openly that it has raised the +man in my esteem. There are some men who, justly accused of fraud and +wrong-dealing, and sentenced to imprisonment, take it easy, and pass +their time in prison gayly drinking champagne. He did not do that,--he +preferred death to disgrace. Maybe he remembered who he was. I should +have less sympathy with him if he had made away with himself merely +because he had failed; but I suppose even that would have been a +sufficient motive for him to do so. I remember what he said about +it at Gastein. If my love be a neurosis, then most undoubtedly his +feverish desire for gold is the same. When this one aim went out from +his life, this one basis slipped away from under his feet, he saw +before him, perhaps, a gulf and a desert such as I saw when alone at +Berlin. And what could hold him back? The thought of Aniela? He knew +we would take care of her; and besides,--who knows?--perhaps in a dim +way he felt that he was not necessary to her happiness. I did not +think he had it in him; I had not expected from him so much energy and +courage, and I confess that I judged him wrongly. + +I had put down my pen, but take it up again because I cannot sleep; +and besides, while writing my thoughts flow more evenly, and I do not +feel my brain reeling. Aniela is free! Aniela is free! I repeat it to +myself and cannot encompass the whole meaning. I feel as if I could +go mad with joy, and at the same time I am seized with an undefined +dread. Is it really true that a new life is dawning for me? What is +it? Is it one of Nature's tricks, or is it God's mercy at last for all +I suffered, and for the great love I bear in my heart? Perhaps there +exists a mystic law which gives the woman to the man who loves her +most in order that a great, eternal commandment of the Creator should +be fulfilled. I do not know. I have a feeling as if I and all those +near me were carried away by an immense wave, beyond human will or +human control. + +I interrupted my writing again, because the carriage I sent for the +doctor has come back without him. He has an operation on hand and +could not come, but promised to be here in the morning. He must remain +with us at Ploszow until our departure, and go with us to Rome. There +I shall find others to take his place. + +It is late in the night. Aniela is asleep, and has no foreboding of +what is hanging over her, what a complete change in her life has taken +place. May it bring peace and happiness to her! She deserves it all. +Perhaps it is for her sake God's mercy is showing. + +My nerves are so overstrung that I start when I hear a dog barking in +the distance, or the watchman's rattle; it seems to me as if somebody +were bringing news and trying to get to Aniela. I make an effort to +calm myself, and explain away the strange fear that haunts me, by the +state of Aniela's health; I try to be convinced that but for this I +should not feel so uneasy. I repeat to myself that my fear will pass, +as everything passes, and afterwards there will be the beginning of a +new life. + +I have to familiarize myself with the thought that Kromitzki is no +more. Out of this catastrophe springs my happiness, such happiness as +I dared not hope for; but there is within us a moral instinct which +forbids us to rejoice at the death of even an enemy. And moreover in +death itself there is an awful solemnity,--those who speak in presence +of it speak in hushed voices; that is the reason I dare not rejoice. + + +13 November. + +All my plans are shattered. The doctor came this morning, and after +examining Aniela, announced that there could be no question of any +long journey for her, as it would be positively dangerous. There seem +to be some irregularities in her state. What a torture to hear his +professional jargon, when every word he utters seems to threaten the +life of the beloved woman. I told the doctor the position we are in, +and he said that between two dangers he preferred the lesser one. + +What troubled and angered me most was his advice to tell Aniela, after +due preparation, about her husband's death. Alas! I cannot deny that +from his point of view he is right. "If you are quite sure," he said, +"that you can keep it from Pani Kromitzka for some months to come, it +would certainly be better to do so; but if not, it would be advisable +to prepare her mind and then tell her; for if she receives the news +suddenly there may be another catastrophe." + +What is to be done? I must establish a quarantine around Ploszow, not +let a paper or letter come in unknown to me, instruct the servants +what to say, and to keep even their features under command. + +What an impression news like this makes upon every one; I had an +illustration in Pani Celina, to whom we had to tell the truth. She +fainted twice, and then went off into hysterics; which almost drove me +frantic, because I thought she would be heard all over the house. And +yet she was not fond of her son-in-law; but she too, I suppose, was +mostly afraid for Aniela. I am strenuously opposed to the doctor's +advice, and do not think I shall ever agree to it. I cannot tell them +one thing,--that Aniela did not love her husband, and that for that +very reason the shock will be more terrible to her. + +It is not merely a question of sorrow after the death of a beloved +being, but of the reproaches she will apply to herself, thinking that +if she had loved him more he might have clung more to his life. Empty, +trivial, and unjust reproaches, for she did everything that force +of will could command,--she spurned my love and remained pure and +faithful to him. But one must know that soul full of scruples as I +know it, to gauge the depth of misery into which the news would plunge +her, and how she would suspect herself,--asking whether his death did +not correspond to some deeply hidden desire on her part for freedom +and happiness; whether it did not gratify those wishes she had +scarcely dared to form. My hair seems to rise at the very thought, +because it is his death that opens a new life for her; consequently it +will be a twofold shock,--two blows to fall upon the dear head. This, +neither the doctor, my aunt, nor Pani Celina can understand. No! she +ought not to be told until after the event. + +What a misfortune that she cannot go away! Here it is difficult, +almost impossible, to guard her. She will read in our faces what has +happened. The least word, the least glance will rouse her suspicion, +and she will fancy all sorts of things. To-day she was surprised by +the sudden arrival of the doctor. Pani Celina told me she had inquired +why he was sent for and whether she was in any danger. Fortunately, my +aunt, always ready for any emergency, said that it was the usual thing +in such a case to call in the doctor from time to time. Aniela has no +experience, and believed her at once. How shall I be able to persuade +the servants not to look so mysterious? They already guess that +something is the matter, from my warnings and cautionings, and they +will know all about it in time. I cannot dismiss them all. The +frequent telegrams are enough to excite their curiosity. To-day I had +another telegram from Chwastowski at Baku, with the inquiry what he is +to do with the body. I replied that he should bury it there for the +present. I asked the elder Chwastowski to take it to Warsaw, and sent +a money order by telegraph. I do not know even whether such an order +can be sent from Warsaw to Baku. + +To-day I looked through the papers. In two of them there was a +paragraph about Kromitzki's death. If that is young Chwastowski's +doing, he must be mad. The servants know everything. Their faces are +such that I am surprised Aniela does not suspect something. During +dinner she was cheerful and unusually lively. The doctor's presence is +a great relief to me. Kromitzki is nothing to him. He engages Aniela's +attention, makes jokes, and teaches her to play chess. Pani Celina, +on the contrary, reduces me to despair. The merrier Aniela grew, the +longer and more funereal became her mother's countenance. I spoke to +her about it rather sharply. + + +14 November. + +We are all at Warsaw. They told Aniela that hot-water pipes were to be +laid in all the rooms at Ploszow, and so, to avoid the general upset +and discomfort, we all intended to go to Warsaw. The drive tired her +very much; but I am glad we are here, for I can rely upon my servants. +The house is a little in disorder. A great many pictures are already +unpacked. Aniela, in spite of being tired, wanted to see them, and I +acted as cicerone. I told her that it was my greatest wish to be at +some time her cicerone at Rome, and she replied, with a shade of +sadness:-- + +"I, too, often dream of seeing Rome, but sometimes I think that I +shall never go there." + +Her words caused me a twinge of anguish, for I am afraid of +everything, even presentiments, and am ready to see in every word a +forecast of evil. + +"I promise you shall go to Rome and stop there as long as you like," I +replied cheerfully. + +It is strange how easily human nature adapts itself to a new position +and exercises its rights. Involuntarily I look upon Aniela as my own, +and guard her as my property. + +The doctor was right. We did well to come to Warsaw,--firstly, because +in case of any sudden emergency there is help at hand; secondly, we +are not obliged to receive visitors. At Ploszow we could not have +avoided that, as it is impossible to turn away a visitor from one's +own gates; and probably a great many would have come with condolences. +Finally, at Ploszow there existed already a mysterious, heavy +atmosphere, in which my efforts to give the conversation a light and +cheerful turn appeared unnatural. I suppose this cannot be avoided +even here, but Aniela's mind will be occupied with hundreds of little +sensations, and be less observant of any slight changes in her +surroundings than she would be at Ploszow. She will not go out often, +and never alone. The doctor orders exercise, but I have found means +for that. Beyond the stables there is a good-sized garden with a +wooden gallery near the wall. I will have it glazed, and in bad +weather Aniela can walk there. It is a terrible strain, this continual +anxiety hanging over our heads. + + +15 November. + +How did it happen? How the slightest suspicion could have entered +her head I cannot understand. And yet it is there. To-day, during +breakfast, she suddenly raised her eyes, looked inquiringly at all of +us in turn and said:-- + +"I cannot quite make it out, but I am under the impression that you +are concealing something from me." + +I felt myself growing pale,--Pani Celina behaved most fatally; only +the dear old aunt did not lose her presence of mind and at once began +to scold Aniela:-- + +"Of course we are hiding something, and did not like to tell you +that we consider that little head of yours a foolish one. Leon said +yesterday that you would never learn to play chess, as you had no idea +about combination." + +I breathed more easily, and getting hold of the clue began to make fun +of her. Aniela seemed satisfied for the moment, but I am quite +certain that we have not dispersed her suspicion, and that even my +cheerfulness may have seemed artificial to her. My aunt and Pani +Celina were thoroughly frightened, and I was in despair; for I saw +how fruitless would be our endeavors so keep the thing from her +altogether. I fancy that Aniela suspects we are keeping from her some +bad news about her husband's financial affairs; but what will she +think if week after week passes and she does not get any letters from +him? What can we tell her; how explain the silence? + +Towards noon the doctor came. We told him what had happened, and he +repeated what he had said before, that it would be better to let her +know the truth. + +"Naturally Pani Kromitzka will be getting anxious at not receiving any +letters, and thence will draw the worst conclusions." + +I still tried to avoid extreme measures and said that this anxiety +would prepare her mind for the news. + +"Yes," replied the doctor, "but anxiety prepares the organism badly +for an ordeal which even under more favorable circumstances would not +be an easy thing to bear." + +Perhaps he is right, but my heart quakes with terror. Everything has +its limits, and so has human courage There is something within me that +protests desperately against this, and I am afraid of the voice which +says, "No." + +The ladies have almost made up their minds to tell her to-morrow. I +will have nothing to do with it. I had no idea one could be afraid to +such an extent. But it is a question concerning her. + + +16 November. + +All was well until evening, when suddenly hemorrhage set in. And I +had said no! It is three o'clock at night. She has fallen asleep. The +doctor is with her. I must be calm--I must. It is necessary for her +that somebody in the house should preserve his presence of mind--I +must. + + +17 November + +The doctor says that the first phase of illness is progressing +according to rules. What does that mean? Does it mean that she will +die? The fever is not very great. This seems to be always so the first +two days. She is quite conscious, feels out of sorts and very weak, +but suffers little. The doctor prepared us to expect that the fever +would increase gradually up to forty degrees; there will be great +pains, sickness, and swelling of the feet--that is what he promises! + +Let there be at once also the end of the world! O God! if that is to +be my punishment, I swear I will go away, never to see her again in +life,--only save her! + + +18 November. + +I have not seen her. I sit at her door almost bereft of my senses; but +I do not go in, because I am afraid that the sight of me will make her +worse and increase the fever. At times a horrible idea crosses my mind +that I am going mad and might kill Aniela in a fit of insanity. That +is the reason I force myself to write, for it seems to me that it is +the best way of keeping my senses under control. + + +19 November. + +I heard her voice and her moans through the door. In that illness the +suffering is terrible. According to the doctor it is the usual sign, +but to me it seems blind cruelty! My aunt says she clings round her +neck and her mother's and asks them for help. And nothing can be done, +nothing! Continual sickness, the pains are increasing, the feet are +quite swollen. The doctor says nothing, but that it may turn out all +right, or may end badly. I know that without him! The fever is at +forty degrees. She is always conscious. + + +20 November. + +I know it now. Nobody told me, but I know for certain that she is +going to die. I have all my senses under control, I am even calm. +Aniela will die! Last night, sitting at her door, I saw it as clearly +as I now see the sunlight. A man in a certain condition of mind sees +things which other people with less concentrated minds cannot see. +Towards morning something passed within me which made me see how it +would end; it was as if a veil had been torn from my eyes and brain. +Nothing now can save Aniela. I know it better than all the doctors. +And that is the reason why I do not resist any longer. What good can +it do either to her or to me? The sentence has been pronounced. I +should be blind if I did not perceive that some power as strong as the +universe is parting us. What this power is, what it is called, I do +not know. I know only that if I knelt down, beat my head on the floor, +prayed, and cried out for mercy, I might move a mountain sooner than +move that power. As nothing now could part me from Aniela but death, +she must die. This may be very logical, but I do not consent to part +from her. + + +21 November. + +Aniela wished to see me. My aunt took everybody out of the room, +thinking she wanted to recommend her mother to my care, and this was +really the case. I saw my beloved, the soul of my life. She is always +conscious her eyes are very bright and her mental faculties excited. +The pain has almost ceased. All traces of her former state have +disappeared, and her face is like an angel's. She smiled at me, and I +smiled back. Since yesterday I know what is awaiting me, and it seems +to me as if I were dead already; therefore I am calm. Taking my hand +in hers, she began to speak about her mother, then looked at me as if +she wished to see as much as she could of me before her eyes closed +forever, and said:-- + +"Do not be afraid, Leon,--I feel much better; but in case anything +should happen to me I wanted to leave you something to remember me by. +Perhaps I ought not to say it so soon after my husband's death; but +as I might die, I wanted to tell you now that I loved you very, very +much." + +I replied to her: "I know it, dearest;" and I held her hand and we +looked into each other's eyes. For the first time in her life she +smiled at me as my betrothed wife. And I wedded her by vows stronger +and more lasting than earthly vows. We were happy at this moment +though overshadowed by a sadness as strong as death left her only when +we were told the priest had come. She had prepared me for his coming, +and asked me not to grieve at it; she had sent for him, not because +she thought she was dying, but that it might do her good and set her +mind at rest. + +When the priest had left I went back to her. After so many sleepless +nights she was tired and fell asleep she is sleeping now. When she +wakes up I will not leave her again until she falls asleep again. + + +22 November. + +She is very much better. Pani Celina is beside herself with joy. I am +the only one who knows what it is. There was no need for the doctor to +tell me that it means paralysis of the bowels. + + +23 November. + +Aniela died this morning. + + +ROME, 5 December. + +I might have been your happiness, and became your misfortune. I am the +cause of your death, for if I had been a different man, if I had not +been wanting in all principles, all foundations of life, there would +not have come upon you the shocks that killed you. I understood that +in the last moments of your life, and I promised myself I would follow +you. I vowed it at your dying bed, and my only duty is now near you. + +To your mother I leave my fortune; my aunt I leave to Christ, in whose +love she will find consolation in her declining years, and I follow +you--because I must. Do you think I am not afraid of death? I am +afraid because I do not know what there is, and see only darkness +without end; which makes me recoil. I do not know whether there +be nothingness, or existence without space and time; perhaps some +midplanetary wind carries the spiritual monad from star to star to +implant it in an ever-renewing existence. I do not know whether there +be immense restlessness, or a peace so perfect as only Omnipotence and +Love can bestow on us. But since you have died through my "I do not +know," how could I remain here--and live? + +The more I fear, the more I do not know,--the more I cannot let you go +alone; I cannot, Aniela mine,--and I follow. Together we shall sink +into nothingness, or together begin a new life; and here below where +we have suffered let us be buried in oblivion. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WITHOUT DOGMA*** + + +******* This file should be named 11686.txt or 11686.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/6/8/11686 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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