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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:37 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:37 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11704-0.txt b/11704-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c31fda8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1656 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11704 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11704-h.htm or 11704-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/0/11704/11704-h/11704-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/0/11704/11704-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +JULY 25, 1917 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Not one of the morning papers advocated the appointment of Sir Eric +Geddes to be First Lord of the Admiralty. A big scoop this for the +Government. + + *** + +A shortage of paper yarns is reported from Germany. The coarser +varieties have apparently all been monopolised by the Imperial +Government. + + *** + +A foolish rumour is going the rounds to the effect that a music-hall +comedian has confessed that he has never made a joke about the Mess in +Mesopotamia. It is feared that the recent hot weather has affected the +poor fellow. + + *** + +In the absence of the sea-serpent this year a tope weighing +thirty-nine pounds has been captured at Hastings. The fisherman who +caught it declares that if he had known it was a tope at the time he +would not have been in such a hurry to sign the pledge. + + *** + +The Food-Controller is calling for strict economy in the use of ice. +It is not generally known that after it has been warmed a little in +front of the fire the stuff will keep almost indefinitely. + + *** + +The order prohibiting the use of enemy languages over the telephone +is said to be causing some inconvenience. Several persons intercepted +by the operator in the course of a guttural conversation have been +subsequently shown to have been talking Swiss. + + *** + +A Pittsburg inventor is reported by Mr. MARCONI to have discovered a +method of bottling light. If he can bottle anything lighter than the +new Government ale his claim to be a wizard is established. + + *** + +A safe weighing three hundredweight has been stolen from a branch post +office in the Gray's Inn Road. It is believed that in the excitement +caused by an air-raid alarm it was snatched up by a customer who +mistook it for his hat. + + *** + +A man applied at Willesden Police Court recently for advice as to what +he should do with a loaf of War bread which was uneatable, as he dared +not destroy it and could not eat it. His only objection to keeping +it as a pet was a fear that it would never become really fond of +children, although it might in time prove a good house-guard with +which to ward off burglars. + + *** + +At the Birmingham Assizes a man has been sent to prison for publishing +a pamphlet entitled "Questions for Parsons." He now contemplates a new +pamphlet entitled "Back Answers to the Bench." + + *** + +Owing to the fact that the political situation is not quite clear in +Germany the Reichstag has been adjourned. It is expected also that an +attempt will be made to adjourn the War. + + *** + +A writer in _English Mechanics_ declares that a cornet played near +caterpillars will cause them to drop to the ground and die. We +understand that the R.S.P.C.A. plead with allotment-holders to destroy +these pests by a less gruesome method. + + *** + +A motor lorry laden with petrol dashed into the front of a house at +Hazelgrove when the family was not at home. It is only fair to say +that the driver did not know they were out. + + *** + +The Barcelona-to-Bilbao motor race has been postponed owing to strikes +in Spain. A few sharp lessons like this will, we feel certain, have +the effect of discouraging the habit of striking. + + *** + +Some men, said a man before the Swindon Guardians, take up angling in +order to go into the country to enjoy a smoke. It is not known why the +others do it. + + *** + +The Board of Agriculture point out that there is an abundant supply +of kippers on the market at reasonable prices. This will come as a +great boon to music-hall audiences, who find that the kippers used +by comedians are getting rather frayed at the edges through constant +wear. + + *** + +"Bad language is used at Billingsgate not so much by the porters as by +the buyers," said a witness at a City inquest last week. A purchaser +at this market declares that the language is often provoked by the +fish. Only last week he had a heated argument with a very talkative +haddock. + + *** + +England has lost first place in Germany, for America is said to be +the most hated country now. The morning hate of the German family with +ragtime obbligato must be a terrible thing. + + *** + +"The National Service Department," said Mr. Beck in the House of +Commons, "is desirous of remaining where it is." If we are to believe +all we read it will take a great deal to move this department. + + *** + +"Cod liver oil," says a weekly paper, "is the secret of health." Smith +minor sincerely regrets that our contemporary has not kept the secret. + + *** + +The _Vossische Zeitung_, referring to the appointment of Dr. +Michaelis, says "there is no chance of his clubbing together with the +big industrialists and misguided agitators." So long however as they +are clubbed separately we shall not grumble. + + *** + +Waste-paper in Westminster, it is stated, has gone up from £2 10s. to +£7 a ton. Why, it is asked, cannot the Government come to the rescue +and publish the full reports of the Dardanelles and Mesopotamia +Commissions? + + *** + +Boxes of matches with jokes on them, we are told, are now on sale. +Several correspondents who were charged twopence for a box complain +that they are unable to see the joke. + + *** + +An Irish newspaper, _The Kilkenny People_, has been suppressed for +seditious utterances. People are wondering what it can possibly have +said. + + *** + +There will be no flag-day on August 26th. + + *** + +A girl clerk in a Surrey bank has explained a shortage of a half-penny +in her postage-stamps by admitting that she swallowed one. It is +thought that the extremely low price tempted her. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Hand_. "Flies seem pretty awful out here, +Corporal." + +_Hardened Campaigner_. "Wot flies?"] + + * * * * * + +ON VIMY RIDGE. + +_TO B.S.B., JULY 11TH_. + + On Vimy Ridge I sit at rest + With Loos and Lens outspread below; + An A.D.C.--the very best-- + Expounds the panoramic show; + Lightly I lunch, and never yet + Has quite so strong an orchestration + Supplied the music while I ate + My cold collation. + + Past Avion through the red-roofed town + There at our feet our white line runs; + Fresnoy's defences, smoking brown, + Shudder beneath our shattering guns; + Pop-pop!--and Archie's puffs have blurred + Some craft engaged to search the Bosch out-- + I hold my breath until the bird + Signals a wash-out. + + Scarce I believe the vision real, + That here for life and death they fight; + A "Theatre of War," I feel, + Has set its stage for my delight, + Who occupy, exempt from toll, + This auditorium, green and tufty, + Guest of the Management and sole + Object in mufti. + + And now along the fretted ground + Where Canada's "BYNG Boys" stormed their way, + I go conducted on the round + That GEORGE OF WINDSOR did to-day; + Immune he trod that zone of lead, + And how should I, who just write verses, + Hope to attract to my poor head + Their "Perishing Percies"? + + Bapaume had nearly been my tomb; + And greatly flattered I should be + If I could honestly assume + The beastly shell was meant for me; + But though my modesty would shun + To think this thought (or even say it), + I feel I owe the KAISER one + And hope to pay it. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO CURE THE BOSCH. + +"Yes, I seen a good bit o' the Bosch, one way and another, before he +got me in the leg," said Corporal Digweed. "Eighteen months I had +with 'im spiteful, and four months with 'im tame. Meaning by that four +months guarding German prisoners." + +"And what do you think of him at the end of it?" I asked. + +Digweed leant back with a heavily judicial air. + +"Some o' these Peace blighters seem to think he's a little angel, +basin' their opinion, I suppose, on something I must 'a' missed during +my time out. On the other hand there's a tidy few thinks that one +German left will spoil the earth. Now me, I holds they're both wrong. +The second's nearer than what the first is, I don't deny. But a +incident what occurred in that Prisoners' Camp set me thinking that +you might make something o' Fritz yet, if you only had the time and +the patience. + +"We had a batch of prisoners come in what I saw at once was +a different brand to the usual. There wasn't that--well, that +distressin' lack o' humility that you mostly finds showin' itself +after we've had them a week or two. There seemed about 'em almost a +sort o' willingness to learn that put 'em in a class by themselves. +I sez to the interpreter, 'There's something odd about that lot. You +find out what it is;' which he does. And what do you think it was? +_They was convicts_. All men in for a long term, what had served five +years and more o' their sentences and was let out to fight. + +"It seemed to me at first the rummiest thing that ever I see. But I've +thought it over and thought it over, and now it's as clear as day. +When the Bosch is kept in a watertight compartment for a bit, he +gets back to being more or less of a human being. His whole trouble's +really through being surrounded by other Bosches. They get tellin' +each other what a great nation they are, and how they was born to +inherit the earth, and that it's only forestalling nature a bit to go +and take it now, and so on--each going one better than the last. They +keep on contaminatin' one another till what do you get? Why, me and +you spending our old age a-teaching of 'em humility. + +"Now, with these 'ere convicts it was another story. 'Stead o' keep +talkin' about German culture and what rotters all the rest o' the +world was, their heads had plenty o' time to cool while they picked +their oakum or what not--resultin' in quite a fairly decent lot o' +men, as I say. Yes, it's very interesting and instructive. I believe +it's the solution of the question, 'How to cure the Bosch,' I do. If +you could keep 'em all apart from each other for five years you'd find +they'd be quite different. I daresay they wouldn't mind it so much +either." + +"If I was a Bosch I should be thankful," I said. "But wouldn't there +be difficulties about this segregation?" + +Digweed waved them aside. + +"There's always difficulties," he said. "But you mark my words, that's +the thing to do. It would help it along, too, to give 'em the right +sort of books and papers to read. Why, if you worked the thing +properly, they might mostly be cured in two years or two and a half." + +I shook my head. "There are some you'll never cure," I said. + +"There'd be stubborn cases, I won't deny. And a few incurables, as +you say. But the first thing to do is to advertise the idea. You make +a speech about it, Sir. When you're proposing a vote of thanks to +a Duchess for openin' a bazaar, you bring it up. I've heard people +before now take that kind of opportunity to bring something forward +what they'd got on their chest." + +"I'm not likely to get a chance like that," I said; "but I'll see if I +can write an article about it." + +Whether Digweed will consider the article worthy of the subject I +cannot say. Perhaps the Editor of _Punch_ is less fastidious. + + * * * * * + +FOR OUR SAILORS. + +The current week is "Navy Week," and Mr. Punch begs to urge his kind +friends to take their part in the great organised effort to raise a +large sum for the benefit of our sailors and their families--R.N., +R.N.R., R.N.V.R., trawlers and mine-sweepers. The nation owes them +all a debt that can never be paid. The fund is to be administered on +the lines of King Edward's Hospital Fund. An All-American matinée +will be given in this good cause at the Victoria Palace on Thursday, +July 26th, and _Trelawny of the Wells_ (with Miss IRENE VANBRUGH) at +the New Theatre on Friday. Gifts for the fund may be addressed to +Commodore Sir RICHARD WILLIAMS-BULKELEY, Bt., at the offices of "Navy +Week," 5, Green Street, Leicester Square, W.C. 2. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_to cadet_). "SIT BACK, SIR! SIT BACK! +THINK WOT A BLINKIN' FOOL YOU'D LOOK IF 'IS 'EAD WAS TO COME ORF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXIII. + +My dear Charles,--I never meant to give myself away; I meant to go +on talking about the old War till the end, just as if I was taking a +leading part in it, so that you should have still believed I was doing +the bull-dog business with the best of them. But no, let me be honest +and tell you that I have practically ceased to be a dog. The only +painful connection I can boast of recently with the War is that, +having cause to travel from place to place in this country, I was +unhappy enough to strike six meatless days in succession, which gave +me to think that even embusquing in France has its drawbacks. On +the seventh day I was accused, by good people who know not Thomas, +of being (1) a Russian, (2) an American, (3) a Belgian, and (4) an +Irishman, which made me feel that these gaudy colours I have burst +into are not so famous as I supposed; and on the eighth day I find +myself insulted in twenty-seven places by an angry mosquito, whom in +the small hours of the morning I had occasion to rap over the knuckles +and turn out of my billet. And I've got a nasty cold, and nobody loves +me or cleans my buttons, and if I want to go anywhere there are no +more motor cars and they make me pay a penny for the tram, and my wife +doesn't think I'm a hero any longer, and little James is being taught +to blush and look away and start another subject when anybody says +"Dad-dad," and (if you can believe this) I've just been made to pay a +franc-and-a-half for a tin of bully beef. + +But you don't sympathise, not a bit of it; why should you? I +shouldn't if I were in your place. I should just cut off the supply +of cigarettes and shaving-soap, stop wishing me good luck, and, with +haughty contempt, say, "Call yourself a soldier!" Nevertheless, my +friend, whatever I may _be_, I _look_ extraordinarily magnificent, so +much so that a short-sighted Major has taken his pipe out of his mouth +as I have drawn near and has as good as saluted me. When he saw I was +only a Captain (and a temporary Captain at that) he tried to cover his +mistake; but he didn't deceive me; he didn't need to take his pipe out +of his mouth in order to scratch his head, did he? + +There is this to be said about being at war, you never know what is +going to happen to you next. For the most part this is just as well. +There is, however, a decent percentage of pleasant surprises, which +is, I suppose, the only thing that makes the business tolerable. No +orderly ever came up to the trenches, when I was in them, but he +gave rise to the hope that he had orders for me to come out at once +and command in chief. Some such orderly did arrive at last, but the +instructions he gave me said nothing about taking over the B.E.F. +Nevertheless orders were orders and I obeyed them and came out. Having +a private conversation with Fortune on the way down the communication +trench, I thanked her very sincerely for her kindness and said I was +so grateful that I would never ask her for anything else. + +But you know human nature as well as I do; I soon found myself saying +what a hard life it was in an office, and how one missed the open-air +life one had with one's regiment and the healthy appetite it gave +one. Besides which, as I pointed out to Fortune, my solid worth wasn't +being recognised as it should be. "I don't ask for favours," I told +her. "All I ask is bare justice." Now, if I'd been Fortune, Charles, +and a man had spoken to me like that, after all I'd done for him, I'd +have had him marching up that communication trench again, with a full +pack, at five o'clock in the very next forenoon. + +But Fortune, ever kind and forgiving, did no such thing. She +did remonstrate with me gently of nights, when the noise of the +bombardments was particularly fierce and prolonged. "What about those +poor fellows right up in front," she said, "who are sitting out in +the wind and the rain and going through _that_?" "Yes," said I, +"what about them? Can't you do something for them? Do you know that +this is their fourth night of it in succession, and the only bit of +change you've been able to give them was sleet instead of rain on the +Sunday?" That used to put Fortune in the cart, and she'd try and work +the conversation round to my own case again. But what with the wind +and the noise and the downpour and the mud, I was too hot on the +other subject, and I said that Fortune ought to be ashamed of herself, +carrying on like that; and it was a disgraceful war and the police +ought to stop it, and I'd a very good mind to write to the papers +about it. + +Then the next day would be fine and dry and warm, and it would be +early closing for the Bosch artillery, and the infantry would go +marching past my office window, whistling and singing and behaving as +if the whole thing was a jolly old picnic; and who'd be an inkslinger +in such weather? And Fortune, modestly intruding, would say to me +casually, "I think I've arranged that rather well, don't you?" + +"Ah, you've arranged something at last, have you?" I'd say, assuming +that she must be thinking about me, and I'd open my official envelopes +with an unusual interest, feeling practically sure that one of them +must contain immediate orders for me--the one and only me--to proceed +forthwith to England and reorganise the War Office, taking over a +couple of six-cylinder cars and a furnished flat in St. James's for +the purpose. + +Poor old Fortune! what could she say next? She'd look at me, more in +sorrow than in anger, and murmur, "Aren't you forgetting that this is +a war and you are supposed to be fighting it?" Did I blush for shame? +Not I. As bold as brass I'd look old Fortune straight in the face +and, with righteous indignation, would say, "I know as well as you do, +Ma'am, that it is a war; but there's no reason why it shouldn't be a +_just_ war." Thinking it out I have never been quite able to see what +I meant by that, as applied to my own case. However, I seem to have +said the right thing, and it appears to have impressed Fortune very +considerably, because--well, Charles, here I am. + +Yet if there is justice in this world (and I subsist on the confident +hope and belief that there is not) I know what the end of it must be. +That confounded orderly, turned traitor, will one day search me out, +however far I may have wandered from the battlefield meanwhile, and, +saluting ironically, will hand me an envelope marked "Urgent, secret, +confidential, personal, private." The contents will be a piece of news +and some orders, and all that Fortune will have had to do with it +will be to attach a forwarding slip, "Passed to you, please, for your +information and necessary action." The news will be that for everyone +else the War is over, and the infantry and the rest of them will take +over forthwith my present circumstances, being free to revel in the +trams and the mosquitoes and the nasty colds to their hearts' delight. +The orders will be that for me the War is about to begin again in +grim earnest, and that to-morrow at dawn I take over and defend +till further notice, and against all the most noisy and loathsome +inventions that man can devise, that sector of the trenches which +extends from the Swiss frontier to the sea. + +When that day comes I shall be too busy (taking cover) to have leisure +to write to you. Meanwhile I shall still be in touch with life from +time to time and will pass on to you such scraps as come my way. Yours +ever, Henry. + + * * * * * + + "The India Office goes to Mr. Montagu."--_The Star._ + +Mahomet had to go to the Mountain, but Mr. Montagu is more fortunate. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bill_. "I dessay some women can do men's work. But +they'll never git men's wages." + +_Joe_ (_much married_). "Wotchermean--_never?_ They always 'ave!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR MIGHTY PENMEN. + +BY A LITERARY EXPERT. + +The House of Boffin announces a revised edition of Mr. Elbert Pitts's +_Final Words on Religion_, under the title of _Antepenultimate +Words on Religion_. As Mr. Pitts observes in his arresting Preface, +"Finality, in a time of upheaval, is a relative term, and I hope, +at intervals of six months or so, to publish my penultimate, +quasi-ultimate and paulo-post-ultimate views on the vital beliefs +which underlie the fantastic superstructure of dogmatic theology." +The new work will be illustrated with three portraits of the author +by Mr. Marcellus Thom, taken at various stages of the composition of +the work. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Pitts has also completed a new novel entitled _The Bounder of +Genius_, and has kindly furnished us with a brief outline of its +contents. The hero, who starts life as an artificial raspberry-pip +maker and amasses a colossal fortune in the Argentine grain trade, +marries a poor seamstress in his struggling days, but deserts her +for a brilliant variety actress, who is in turn deposed by (1) the +daughter of a dean, (2) the daughter of an earl, and (3) the daughter +of a duke. Ultimately Jasper Dando, for that is his name, leads a +crusade to Patagonia, where he establishes a new republic founded on +Eugenics, China tea, and the Prohibition of the Classics. Mr. Pitts +thinks it the finest thing he has done, and he is fortified in this +conviction by the opinion of Mr. Stoot, the principal reader of the +House of Boffin. + + * * * * * + +We are glad to hear that Mr. Hanley Potter will shortly issue, through +the firm of Bloomer and Guppy, a selection from the reviews, notices +and essays contributed by him to _The Slagville Gazette_. "They are +interesting," says the author, "as the expression of a fresh and +unbiassed mind, unfettered by any respect for established reputations +or orthodox standards." The titles of some of the articles--"The +Dulness of Dante," "The Sloppiness of Scott," "George Eliot as +Pedant," "Jane Austen the Prude"--indicate sufficiently the richness +of the treat provided in these stimulating pages. + + * * * * * + +The Centenary of JANE AUSTEN is to be celebrated in a thoroughly +practical manner by the House of Hussell. It will be remembered +that, some thirty years ago, an effort was made to revive the waning +popularity of SIR WALTER SCOTT by the issue of a series of condensed +versions of his novels, in which redundant passages, notes and +introductions were removed and the salient features were compressed in +a compact and animated narrative. In order to render justice to JANE +AUSTEN the process needed is diametrically opposite. JANE AUSTEN'S +novels are short and singularly lacking in picturesqueness, emotion, +colour. Mr. Hamo Bletherley, who has been entrusted with the task +of infusing these elements into JANE AUSTEN'S staid and reticent +romances, points out that her vocabulary was extraordinarily limited. +Her abstinence from decorative epithets led to results that are bald +and unconvincing. One may look in vain in her pages for such words +as "arresting," "vital," "momentous" or "sinister." She never uses +"glimpse," "sense" or "voice" as verbs. We look forward with eager +anticipation to the results of Mr. Bletherley's courageous experiment. + + * * * * * + +In this connection we cannot too heartily congratulate Mr. Jerome +Longmore, the well-known bookman and literary curio-collector, on his +latest stroke of good luck. It appears that in a recent pilgrimage +to Selborne he met the only surviving great-granddaughter of Sarah +Timmins (charwoman at Chawton in the years 1810 to 1815), and +purchased from her a pair of bedroom slippers, a pink flannel +dressing-gown and a boa which had belonged to the great novelist. A +full description of these priceless relics will shortly appear in +_The Penman_, together with a life and portrait of Sarah Timmins, who +married a pork butcher in Liphook and died in 1848. One of her letters +establishes the interesting fact that JANE AUSTEN never ate sausages. + + * * * * * + +We may add that Mr. Longmore is not one of those miserly collectors +who brood over their treasures and deny the sight of them to others. +On the contrary he takes the keenest pleasure in showing them to +his friends, and at the present time is holding a series of informal +receptions at his charming villa at Potter's Bar, at which, robed +in JANE AUSTEN'S dressing-gown, wearing her boa and shod in her +slippers, he presents a truly romantic and distinguished spectacle. +We understand that the Potter's Bar authorities are favourably +considering the proposal that warnings of air raids in that locality +should be given by the appearance in public of Mr. Longmore in this +striking dress. + + * * * * * + + "... Mr. Lloyd George, on whom, by devious paths, has + descended the mantle of Lord Rosebery."--_Daily Express._ + +Including the PRIMROSE path, we presume. + + * * * * * + +PETHERTON'S PEDIGREE. + +A stroke of luck enabled me to open an interesting little +correspondence with my genial neighbour, Petherton, which resulted in +one of those delightful passages-of-arms in which Petherton, at least, +excels. + + DEAR MR. PETHERTON (I began),--I have made a discovery which + will, I am sure, interest you, though I am uncertain whether + it will be as pleasing to you as to myself. + + During certain research work at the Record Office I came + across incontrovertible evidence that we are in some + way related through a Petherton in the early part of the + eighteenth century (_tempus_ GEORGE II.) being sufficiently + far-seeing to contract a marriage with a Fordyce. This + Petherton, by name Edward, lived at Kirkby Lonsdale, and his + wife, Emily Jane Fordyce, at Dent, in the same district. + + I haven't a family tree by me, but know the late-lamented + Emily Jane by name. She was part of the issue of one Henry + Fordyce, who is in the direct line, absolutely non-stop, + without changing, from the earliest known Fordyce to myself. + + What a field for speculation is here opened up! With your + scientific bent you will grasp the possibilities of the + hereditary influence of my family on yours, supposing Edward + Petherton to be a direct ancestor of your own. To me the + unexpected result of my researches will give an added interest + to our correspondence, and I await with eagerness your views + as to the value and interest of my discovery. + + Your kinsman, + + HENRY J. FORDYCE. + +Petherton cried "Touché" at once, and lunged at me in accordance with +my plan of campaign. + + SIR (he spluttered),--As a very busy man I must protest + against your attempt to distract my attention by writing to me + on a matter that is of no importance. That your discovery is + of a somewhat disconcerting nature I will not deny, but that + it is of any particular value or interest to me is hardly to + be expected, seeing that it relates to a by-gone century, and + any defects acquired by the Pethertons from such a union will, + I imagine, have been overcome by now. + + The Fordyces were apparently a more attractive race in the + eighteenth than in the twentieth century. I can scarcely + imagine a present-day Petherton contracting such a + _mésalliance_. + + A direct ancestor of mine, Edward Petherton, as I see by the + Family Bible in my possession, was born in 1699, married in + 1728, and lived at Kirkby Lonsdale. His wife's name is not + stated, but I can the more readily believe that he is the + misguided individual to whom you refer, as he died in 1729, no + doubt as the result of his rash act. His son, Primus Postumus + Petherton, born, as his second name suggests, after his + father's death, carried on the line. Any possible virtues or + talents my family may possess are not, I am certain, from the + distaff side of this union. + + Yours faithfully, + + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I made a thrust in tierce:-- + + DEAR COUSIN FRED,--What a mine of information you are! I touch + a spring and out comes Primus Postumus Petherton. The name + conjures up visions of grey church towers, monumental urns + and the eulogies in verse beloved of Georgian poets. I wonder + whether Possy was a great letter-writer and kept poultry. + By the way, what a lot of good things begin with a "P," and, + talking of poultry, I notice yours are laying, or should be. + They are certainly in full song these mornings. + + I'm so glad that you're so glad that I'm a relation. When I + was at the Record Office again yesterday I searched for more + information about my new-found relatives. In fact I dug up + the Petherton allotment thoroughly and unearthed Priscilla + and Anne, both of CHARLES I.'s time, and Marmaduke of the + Restoration. + + I couldn't exhume a complete family tree, or no doubt I should + have found all these worthies hanging on their respective + branches, though Marmaduke might have dropped off, as he + appears to have been a bit over-ripe from what I could gather + from the records. + + How are the Food Regulations suiting you? Judging from your + last letter I'm afraid you are not taking enough starch. + Of course I know it's gone up fearfully in price lately. + Personally I've taken to wearing soft collars. + + Your affectionate Cousin, H.F. + + Aren't you pleased that potatoes have come in again? (Another + good thing beginning with a P.) + +Petherton ground his teeth for a last bout, and bade me come on. + + SIR (he wrote),--I'm glad you've taken to soft collars. They + will suit your soft head. As for food, I'm afraid you're not + taking enough arsenic. A slight touch of relationship to my + family has evidently turned your brain. I cannot say how + sorry I am that you should have discovered the one flaw in + my pedigree. + + Yours faithfully, + + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I gave him one last little tweak under the ribs:-- + + DEAR OLD BOY,--Just a hurried line to say that all is forgiven + and forgotten. The family feud (there must have been one, I'm + certain) which has kept the Pethertons and the Fordyces apart + for the last couple of centuries is a thing of the past, now + that we two understand each other so thoroughly. I am only + sorry I did not discover the strawberry mark on your left arm + earlier, that I might the sooner have subscribed myself. + + Your long lost HARRY. + +This either disarmed him or he threw away his weapon in disgust. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _British Tar_ (_confidentially to lady friend_). "SHE'S +SUNK ALL RIGHT."] + + * * * * * + + "Other houses have a good many books which have come down + from posterity, mostly in odd volumes."--_"Claudius Clear" + in "The British Weekly."_ + +Some of those that we bequeath to our ancestors will be quite as odd. + + * * * * * + +It is rumoured that during the period of food-control a well-known +Soho restaurant intends to change its name to the "Rhondda-vous." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Busy City-man to his Partner_ (_as one of the new +air-raid warnings gets to work_). "IF YOU'LL LEAVE ME IN HERE FOR THE +WARNINGS I'LL CARRY ON WHILE YOU TAKE SHELTER DURING THE RAIDS."] + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE THINGS. + + I used to be a peaceful chap as didn't ask for trouble, + An' as for rows an' fightin', why, I'd mostly rather not, + But now I'd charge an army single-'anded at the double, + An' it's all along o' little things I've learned to feel so 'ot. + + It's 'orrid seein' burnin' farms, which I 'ave often seen 'ere, + An' fields all stinks an' shell-'oles, an' the dead among the flowers, + But the thing I've 'ated seein' all the bloomin' time I've been 'ere + Is the little gardens rooted up--the same as might be ours + + It's bad to see the chattos--which means castles--gone to ruins, + And big cathedrals knocked to bits as used to look that fine, + But what puts me in a paddy more than all them sort o' doin's + Is the little 'ouses all in 'eaps--the same as might be mine. + + An' when the what's-it line is bust an' we go rompin' through it, + An' knock the lid off Potsdam an' the KAYSER off 'is throne, + Why, what'll get our monkey up an' give us 'eart to do it? + Just thinkin' o' them little things as might 'ave been our own + (An' most of all the little kids as might 'ave been our own)! + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +GOIN' BACK. + + I'm goin' back to Blighty and a free-an' easy life, + But I grant it ain't the Blighty of me pals: + They takes the Tube to Putney, to the kiddies and the wife, + Or takes the air on 'Ampstead with their gals; + My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway, + With the sweet gorse smellin' in the sun; + And the 'eather 'ot and dry, where a tired man may lie + When the long day's done. + + There's picture-'alls in 'Ammersmith to suit them mates o' mine; + There's beer and 'addock suppers and cigars; + But I guess I'd sooner slog it where there's jest the scent o' pine + And over'ead an 'eap o' little stars; + The lights o' Charin' Cross and Piccadilly, + I'd swop 'em for the silver of the streams, + When the summer moon is lit and the bats begin to flit + And the dark earth dreams. + + I'm goin' back to Blighty, to the little lonesome lanes, + The dog-rose and the foxglove and the ferns, + The sleepy country 'orses and the jolty country wains + And the kindly faces every way you turns; + My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway, + With the sweet gorse smellin' in the sun; + And the 'eather good and deep where a tired man may sleep + When the long day's done. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LONG LIVE THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR!] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 16th_.--In the course of a discussion on "rope" +in War-bread Mr. THORNE accused the West-End bakeries of mixing +white flour with the "G.R." variety, and so supplying their +wealthy customers with better bread than is procurable by his own +constituents. Although no official confirmation of this charge was +forthcoming Mr. THORNE appeared to be convinced of its accuracy. In +his opinion the Government, following the historic example of PHARAOH, +should give the bread to the people and the rope to the bakers. + +It might not be accurate to say that in the matter of beer the +Irishman wants but little here below, but he certainly wants that +little strong; and being, in spite of a popular impression to the +contrary, a seriously-minded person, he resents any reduction of his +gravity. Mr. BRIDGEMAN'S gentle reminder that no Irish brewer need +avail himself of the new regulations unless he pleases quite failed +to satisfy the Nationalists that a new item had not been added to +Ireland's catalogue of grievances. + +_Tuesday, July 17th_.--For some weeks Mr. GINNELL has been absent from +his place. No one has gone so far as to suggest that the Roll of the +House should be called in order to bring back the hon. Member to his +Parliamentary duties. But considerable curiosity was aroused by his +recent statement that he proposed to make one more appearance at +Westminster before retiring permanently to Ireland to watch over +the growth of the Sinn Fein Republic. To-day was the day. Question +45, "Mr. Ginnell, to ask the Prime Minister, &c., &c.," was eagerly +awaited. There was no saying that the hon. Member, if dissatisfied +with the reply, would not hurl the Mace at the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER, so as to ensure a properly dramatic exit. At last No. 45 +was reached; but Mr. GINNELL was not there to put it. Once more the +Saxon intellect had been too slow to keep up with the swift processes +of the Celtic cerebellum. Mr. GINNELL has on more than one occasion +made what his compatriots call a "holy show" of himself; but he +refuses to do this sort of thing to order. + +[Illustration: THE EMPTY SEAT. + +MR. PUNCH DROPS A SILENT TEAR AT THE DEPARTURE OF ONE OF HIS BEST +PUPPETS.] + +Mr. HOUSTON is still harping upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S +recent confession of his ship-owning gains, and laboured hard this +afternoon to convince the Committee that shipowners in general were +in no sense profiteers. He failed, however, to avert the wrath of +Mr. DENNISS, who declared that if, after what had been revealed, any +shipowner was made a peer, he should move to abolish the peerage. + +This day the KING in Council decreed that the Royal House should +forthwith abandon all German titles and be known henceforth as +the House of Windsor. No one will be better pleased than Mr. SWIFT +MACNEILL, who for months past has been unsparing in his efforts +to purge the Upper House of enemy peers, and to-night had the +satisfaction of seeing a Bill for that purpose read a second time. His +prophecy that such a measure could be passed in three minutes was not +quite borne out; but that was chiefly because the hon. Member himself +occupied a quarter-of-an-hour in complaining of the Government's delay +in introducing it. + +_Wednesday, July 18th_.--Sir HENRY DALZIEL has been labouring under +the delusion that the R.N.A.S. and the R.F.C. are so mortally afraid +of trespassing upon one another's aerial preserves that the former +will not attack an enemy plane travelling over land, or the latter +over sea. Dr. MACNAMARA for the Navy, and Mr. MACPHERSON for the Army, +informed him that there was no truth in the suggestion; but Colonel +CLAUDE LOWTHER, remembering that there were once Two Macs who +delighted in spoofing their audiences, refused to be comforted until +categorically assured that between R.N.A.S. and R.F.C. there is +"sufficient cohesion." + +[Illustration: LORD HARDINGE'S CHAMPION. + +MR. BALFOUR LETS OUT.] + +This was BALFOUR's day. Never since he gave up the Leadership of the +Unionist Party six years ago has he more completely dominated the +scene. Mr. BONAR LAW had announced that the Government had on third +thoughts decided not to set up a new tribunal to try the persons +affected by the Mesopotamia Report. The military officers would be +dealt with by the Army Council. As for Lord HARDINGE, the Government, +"on the representations of the FOREIGN SECRETARY," had again refused +his proffered resignation. If any Members disapproved, let them +propose a Vote of Censure or move the adjournment. + +It was perhaps fortunate for the Government that Mr. DILLON accepted +the challenge. During the War the Member for East Mayo has lost such +authority in the House as he once possessed. Criticism on the conduct +of the campaign from one who boasts that he has never stood upon a +recruiting platform lacks sincerity. Mr. BALFOUR, always at his best +when defending a friend, laid about him lustily, and convinced the +majority of the House, not very friendly at the outset, that it would +be an act of gross injustice to remove a great public servant because +the Commission--on whose evidence, without further inquiry, you could +not hang a cat--had reported adversely on his conduct in an entirely +different capacity. + +To add to the force of this appeal came Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S striking +testimonial--"I have known Lord Hardinge from a boy." After that, +small wonder that the House rejected Mr. Dillon's motion by 176 to 81. + +_Thursday, July 19th._--The only thing that keeps Mr. Reddy at +Westminster is his delight in acting as Chorus to Major Pretyman +Newman. Whenever the hon. and gallant Member asks a question Mr. +Reddy, in a piping voice of remarkable carrying power, immediately +puts another, designed to throw doubt upon his personal prowess or +his military capacity. Major Newman had several Questions on the Paper +this afternoon, and, as he had just announced the withdrawal of his +valuable support from a Government so lost to all sense of propriety +as to welcome Messrs. Churchill and Montagu to its fold, Mr. Reddy's +comments were awaited with pleasurable anticipation. + +Alas! for once he was not in his place. Even when Major Newman +elicited the damning information that some members of the Dublin +Metropolitan Police occasionally employ a German barber there was +no penetrating voice from the back benches to ask, "Why doesn't the +honourable Mimber go and shave them himself?" + +Mr. Jowett wants the Home Secretary to withdraw the permission he gave +some time ago "to employ women on the night-turn in wool-combing." +Several much-married Members are afraid that whatever he may decide +the objectionable practice will continue. + + * * * * * + +SCOTLAND FOR EVER. + + They came from untamable highlands, + From glens where their fathers were free, + From misty and mountainous islands + Set fast in the throat of the sea; + They fought for the honour of Britain; + They died in defence of the right; + Their deeds are in history written + In letters of light. + + They fell where the Ganges is flowing; + They lie 'neath the Russian Redan; + Their dust o'er the desert is blowing + In the whirlwinds of far Kordofan; + The sons of Glen Orchy and Rannoch + Sleep sound by the slow-moving Scheldt, + And the bones of the men of Loch Fannich + Are white on the veldt. + + But the Lows and Lochmaben and Gairloch + Still march to the battle array, + And the fighters from many a fair loch, + Like their fathers, leap forth to the fray; + Red flame tears the darkness asunder + Where the curtain of battle is drawn, + Where the clansmen through death-cloud and thunder + Go over at dawn. + + In the strength of the hills and the heather, + With the salt of the sea in their blood, + They sweep from the trenches together + With the force of an onrushing flood; + Like the billows that beat upon Moidart + When gales from the Hobrides blow, + Like a storm on the mountains of Knoidart + They burst on the foe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hairdresser_ (_with a view to business--to customer, +who is getting rapidly bald_). "There are plenty of hairdressers, you +know, Sir, who profess to make a wig; but, when you've got it on, it +looks nothing like a wig at all, Sir."] + + * * * * * + +A film-drama:-- + + "It is the story of the poor orphan daughter of a South + American aristocrat. She has become enamoured of a tradesman's + son, but misapprehension having arisen, she becomes engaged + to a man who apparently is well endowed with this world's + foods."--_Leicester Daily Mercury._ + +In these times, who can wonder at her choice? + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Royal Lineage:-- + + "After the extinction of the Billing Family...."--_Daily + Telegraph_. + +A correspondent, writing upon House of Commons' notepaper, assures us +that the above passage is a gross exaggeration. + + * * * * * + + "Charlie D. (Westminster).--We answer you in the words of + Cassius, 'A plague of both your houses.'"--_Town Topics_. + +Were not the words those of _Mercutio_ when he had failed to set up a +Business Government in Verona? + + * * * * * + + "Apply weed-killers to garden walks and drives, using every + precaution against domestic fowls and other bird-eating + worms."--_Irish Gardening_. + +Very careless of St. Patrick to leave these ornithophagous reptiles at +large. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Few Men to travel with Hobby Horses.--Apply Murphy's + Steam Galloping Horses, Abbeyleix, Queen's Co."--_Irish + Independent_. + +Now we understand Mr. Ginnell's sudden decision to quit Westminster. + + * * * * * + +THE TAP-ROOM. + +Our Reserve Battalion has a billiard-room, which is well patronised +by all those cheerful souls who have escaped from France without +permanent injury and resignedly await the second call. + +To-night the "Tap-room" is in top form. A four-handed game of snooker +is in as rapid progress as is reasonably possible. Every easy-chair +is filled with a would-be player offering gratuitous advice in order +to speed things up. A young war-scarred Captain is balanced on a +rickety side-table, offering odds on the game in a raucous voice. +The Mess-waiter strives to be in three places at once. Through all, +the players, totally unnerved, play with a desperate attempt at +concentration. + +Suddenly the door opens, and the Colonel enters, heated and out of +breath. His eye pierces through the tobacco smoke and transfixes the +unhappy bookmaker. He requests him to take advantage of his position +to open a window. The players examine the tips of their cues in sudden +silence. The Colonel refuses the offer of six vacated chairs with a +slightly impatient negative and inquires as to the probable length +of the game. He accepts the obvious untruth that it has just ended, +smiles with satisfaction, and proposes to the Adjutant a game of one +hundred up. + +The Colonel, after examining the cues with marked disapproval, +eventually selects one of short length and pronounced weight. He +then appropriates for his sole personal use the only piece of chalk, +demands the spot ball, places it in position, and endeavours to cast +his opponent's ball into a baulk pocket with a rapid back-hander. The +Adjutant sprints round the table in pursuit. + +The Colonel next addresses his own ball and propels it violently +against the red, which, taken completely by surprise, bounds with a +strong resilience from the top cushion, courses twice up and down the +table and comes to a pause in the neighbourhood of the middle pocket. +The Colonel tests the elasticity of the cushion with his thumb and +gives way a foot to enable his opponent to begin a neat break of +twenty-seven. + +The Colonel, finding time hanging heavily on his hands, devotes this +period to filling his pipe from a borrowed pouch; he then tramps +determinedly back to the table and is about to pocket the red from +a point of considerable vantage, when the Adjutant deferentially +suggests that he is about to play with the wrong ball. The Colonel +immediately strides round the table to where his command is clinging +to the cushion, lifts the ball to convince himself that there is a +spot on its surface, plants it back in a slightly more favourable +position, and with one thrust of his cue projects it into open +country. He then leaves the table without awaiting the result and +resumes his pipe. + +The Adjutant now compiles a fifteen break, pauses, notices the +Colonel's inattention, and with typical lack of true discipline +pots his opponent's ball and leaves the others in baulk. A horrified +silence ensues. The Colonel, without noticing the delicacy of the +situation, playfully slopes his "hipe" and marches back to the table. +The awful truth is instantly laid bare. The colour of his face becomes +of an imperial shade. He dumbly fumbles for his ball, which, with a +last bid for exemption, eludes his fingers and rolls under the table. + +Taking advantage of this the Colonel, with one glance of concentrated +hate in the direction of his opponent, grapples with his choler, and +by the time that his ball is returned under escort, has partially +recovered himself. He is determined to show to his subalterns the +value of coolness in an emergency. He places his ball with infinite +care and walks round the table to examine the position from every +point of view. His next move is to mark out elaborate angles with +the assistance of chalk marks on the cushions. Having finally formed +all his plans, he encourages his artillery with a few more rounds of +chalk, approaches the field with studied and dignified calm, delivers +his attack, and retires to watch the effect from his O. Pip. + +His command, flying desperately across the open, loses direction, +blunders hopelessly into an obstruction on the flank, retires in +confusion, and makes a blind despairing dash for a shell-crater. +Missing this by a fraction it loses all interest in life, wanders +pitifully off at an unnatural angle, runs into the hostile force of +the Adjutant, and comes finally into contact with the red. + +The Colonel hastens to remark to the enthusiastic audience that this +cannon only proves the possibilities of the noble game when accuracy +is achieved. It is calculated to improve their marksmanship, to teach +them to grasp an opportunity, to apply their tactical training, and to +render them cool in the hour of crisis. + +Inspired by this truth he attempts to pull off an awkward losing +hazard. This effort is ruined by an appalling miscue which affects the +new cloth. The Colonel justly blames the chalk, removes the pet-dog +of the battalion from his path with his foot, and makes for the +scoring-board. The volunteer marker inadvertently puts the Colonel's +modest score on to the large total of the Adjutant. + +At this critical moment an orderly fortunately arrives with a note +from the Brigade office. The Colonel secures the missive, tears the +envelope to shreds, runs his eye over the trivial contents, and +curses the War. He then assumes an air of enormous importance, excuses +himself, and stamps out into the night. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ancient Heroine_. "IT'S BEEN A TRYIN' TIME FOR ME, +MRS. BLOGGS. MY SAVIN'S-BANK BOOK WAS UP IN LUNNON ALL THROUGH THE +AIR-RAID."] + + * * * * * + + "It may be the bravery of ignorance that induces us to take + this point of view, but the locality excuses ignorance to + some extent, and the bravery still exists: Ovid has a line + that might be learnt with advantage by our readers-- + + "'Falliker augurio, spes bona saepe sus.'"--_Nigerian Pioneer_. + +We do not recall this line in OVID; but the locality is notoriously +unfavourable to Latin quotation. As HORACE says, _Hic Niger est; hunc +tu, Romane, caveto_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_. "WANT A NEW MESS-TIN, DO YOU? WHERE'S YOUR +OLD ONE?" + +_Private_. "I HAVEN'T GOT IT, SIR." _Officer._ "WHY NOT?" + +_Private_. "PLEASE, SIR, THERE'S A CHATEAU ON TOP OF IT, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +DR. SULLIVAN. + +It had been decided that there never was such a resemblance as is to +be traced between my homely features and those of a visitor to the +same hotel last year--Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street. This had become +an established fact irrefutable like a proposition of Euclid and +one of my new friends, who was also a friend of the Dr. Sullivan of +Wigley Street who had so satisfyingly and minutely anticipated my +countenance, made it the staple of his conversation. "Isn't Mr. +Blank," he would say to this and that _habitué_ of the smoking-room as +they dropped in from the neighbouring farms at night, "the very image +of Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was here last year?" And they +would subject my physiognomy to a searching study and agree that I +was. Perhaps the nose--a little bigger, don't you think? or a shade +of dissimilarity between the chins (he having, I suppose, only +two, confound him!), but taking it all round the likeness was +extraordinary. + +This had been going on for some time, until I was accustomed, if not +exactly inured, to it, and was really rather looking forward to the +time when, on returning to London, I could trump up a sufficient +ailment to call upon my double in Wigley Street and scrutinize +him with my own eyes. But last night my friend had something of a +set-back, which may possibly, by deflecting his conversation to other +topics, give me relief. I hope so. + +It happened like this. We were sitting in the smoking-room as +usual, he and I, when another local acquaintance entered--one who, +I gathered, had been away for a few weeks and whom I had therefore +not yet seen, and who (for this was the really important thing to my +friend) consequently had not yet seen me. + +In course of time the inevitable occurred. "Don't you think," my +friend asked, "that Mr. Blank is the very image of Dr. Sullivan of +Wigley Street, who was here last summer?" + +"What Dr. Sullivan's that?" the newcomer inquired. + +"Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was fishing here last summer. +Don't you remember him? The very image of Mr. Blank." + +"The only Dr. Sullivan I know," replied the newcomer, "is Dr. Sullivan +of Newcastle. He's a very old man by now. A very learned man too. He +has a wonderful private museum. He--" + +"No, no, the Dr. Sullivan I mean was From Wigley Street--a +specialist--who took the Manor fishing last summer and stayed in the +hotel." + +"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle is a very old man--much older than +Mr. Blank here, and not a bit like him. He's a most interesting +personality. He is the great authority on the South Sea Islanders. +You should see his collection of Fiji war clubs." + +"But that's not the Dr. Sullivan I mean. You must remember him," +said my impresario; "we all used to meet evening after evening, just +as we're doing now--Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, the specialist, +a clean-shaven big man, exactly like Mr. Blank here. Everyone has +noticed the likeness." + +"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle has a beard," said the newcomer. "And he's +a very old man by now. A great receptacle of miscellaneous learning. +He showed me once his collection of coins and medals. He's got coins +back to the Roman Emperors and stories about every one of them. His +collection--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--of idols is amazing. You never saw such comic figures as those +natives worship. There's nothing he doesn't collect. He's got a mummy +covered with blue beads. He's got skulls from all over the world, +showing different formations. It's some years--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--since I saw him last, and of course he may be--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--dead. But if not he's a man worth knowing. If ever you go to +Newcastle don't forget about him. But he must be very old by now. +He--" + +At this point I finished my glass and slipped away to bed. Consulting +the mirror as I undressed, I smiled at the reflection that confronted +me. "You can sleep well to-night," I said, "for there are signs that +you are about to have a rest." + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_DR. VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG AND HERR MICHAELIS._) + +_Michaelis._ I have called partly because I desired to offer my most +tactful condolences to my distinguished predecessor in the high office +which I hold, and partly because I thought you might be willing +to give me some hints as to my conduct, for I should like to leave +nothing undone that might make me a successful Chancellor. + +_Von Bethmann-Hollweg._ Upon my word you are even more kind and +considerate than I had expected. Even to exchange a word with a fallen +Chancellor is a sign both of kindness and courage. I wonder how you +could screw yourself up to the pitch of being so daring. + +_M._ I am glad you think so, for that is how I myself felt it. + +_Von B.-H._ Well, we will leave your courage out of the question. It +is sufficiently proved by your acceptance of the Chancellorship. As +to such advice as I am able to give, I must ask you first whether you +are ready to have the boots of the All-Highest constantly wiped upon +various parts of your person? + +_M._ A true Prussian endures that with difficulty. + +_Von B.-H._ But a true Prussian, it seems, can accustom himself to +this form of friendship and confidence as to many others. + +_M._ What others do you speak of? + +_Von B.-H._ My worthy Michaelis, you really must have covered your +eyes and stopped your ears ever since you were born, otherwise you +could not possibly be so ignorant. Do you not know that if your great +and beloved says a foolish thing or does an indiscreet one it will be +your duty to shoulder the responsibility for it? And you can easily +calculate yourself during how many hours of the day your back is +likely to be without a burden of some sort. And mind you, you are not +to expect to receive any gratitude for your toil. + +_M._ But he speaks a kind word now and then, doesn't he? + +_Von B.-H._ A kind word? Ha-ha. When I think of all that I have done +for that man, the acts I have defended, the stupidities I have tried +to convert into statesmanship, the tempers I have been the butt of, +the childish insults I have had to tolerate, the theatricalities +I have been compelled to treat as if they were the most glorious +manifestations of Imperial splendour--when I think of all this +and realise that he and I are both still alive, I marvel at such a +spectacle of human endurance. + +_M._ I must confess you are not very cheerful or very encouraging. + +_Von B.-H._ I did not set out to cheer you up or to encourage you, but +I thought it just as well that someone should tell you the truth. + +_M._ Why aren't you glad then at having dropped your burden? + +_Von B.-H._ I own I ought to be, but, as you hint, I am not. There +are ways of doing things, and there is a real difference in walking +quietly through a door and being kicked out through it with all +possible violence. + +_M._ But you have had the Hohenzollern Order presented to you and the +All-Highest has written you with his own gracious hand a letter. + +_Von B.-H._ _Verbosa et grandis epistola venit a Capreïs._ As for the +Hohenzollern Order I don't care a snap of the fingers for it. Nor will +you when your time comes. + +_M._ I hope that will not be for many years. + +_Von B.-H._ For your sake I hope your time may be short. In any case I +must thank you most warmly for your tactful condolences. + + * * * * * + +THE REST-RUMOUR. + + I know not in what rodent-haunted caverns + By what rough tongues the tale was first expressed, + By choking fires or in the whispering taverns + With wine and omelette lovingly caressed, + Or what tired soul, o'erladen with a lump + Of bombs and bags which someone _had_ to hump, + Flung down his load indignant at the Dump + And, cursing, cried, "_It's time we had a rest!_" + + And so, maybe, began it. Some sly runner, + Half-hearing, half-imagining, no doubt, + Caught up the word and gave it to a gunner, + And he, embroidering, 'twas noised about + From lip to lip in many a trench's press + Where working parties struggled to progress + Or else go back, but both without success, + "_Officer says Division's going out._" + + It found the Front. It came up with the rations; + The Corporals carried it from hole to hole; + And scouts behaved in strange polemic fashions + On what they thought would be their last patrol; + While Fritz, of course, from whom few things are hid, + Had the romance as soon as any did, + And said, thank William, he would soon be rid + Of yon condemned disturbers of his soul. + + Nor were there few confirming little trifles, + For James, rejoining from the Base, had scann'd + Strange waiting infantry with brand-new rifles, + In backward areas, but close at hand; + And some had marked the D.A.Q.M.G. + Approaching Railhead in the dusk, and he + (Who, as a fact, was simply on the spree) + Had gone, of course, to view the Promised Land. + + And what a land! Who had not heard its promise? + A land of quietude and no grenades, + Soft beds for officers, fair barns for Tommies, + And rich estaminets and gracious maids, + And half-an-hour from Abbeville by the train + A land of rivulets and golden grain + (Where it would be impossible to train + And even difficult to have parades)! + + Then it appeared the groom of General Harrison + Had news denied to ordinary men, + How the Brigade was going home to garrison + A restful corner of the Lincoln fen; + But weeks have passed and we are as we were; + And possibly, when Peace is in the air + And these dear myths have died of sheer despair, + They may come true--but not, I think, till then. + + * * * * * + +FELINE AMENITIES. + + "Cats' Happy Holiday Home--Wired garden, Home comforts, + References"--_Church Family Newspaper_. + + * * * * * + +From a notice of "Three Weeks":-- + + "The Queen of Croatia, one of those convenient operatic + Balham royalties...."--_Liverpool Daily Post_. + +Won't Tooting be jealous! + + * * * * * + + "To one who has been long enough away from the centre of + things almost to forget what it is like, a walk along Pall + Mall yesterday brought some curious reflections. From the + Circus to Hyde Park Corner not a single luxurious private + motor-car or horse-drawn carriage was to be seen. It was + not the Pall Mall of old days."--_Evening Paper_. + +No, it seems to have been much more like Piccadilly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Troop-ship Officer_. "ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, SIR?" + +_Enterprising American_. "I GUESS SO. I'M THE CINEMATOGRAPH OPERATOR +WHO'S GOING TO TAKE A FILM THE FIRST TIME YOU'RE TORPEDOED, AND +I'VE GOT A LETTER FROM YOUR FOLKS INSTRUCTING YOU TO GIVE ME EVERY +FACILITY."] + + * * * * * + +A SURPRISE PARTY. + +"Five-and-thirty wounded Tommies coming to tea and one of them coming +to his death, but he doesn't know it," moaned Emily, and waved a knife +round her head. + +I saw what had happened. All this bun-baking and cake-making had been +too much for my poor wife. She had been living in the oven for a week. + +"You're overdone. Lie down and try to get a little nap before they +come," I said soothingly. "Everything's ready." + +"Will he die without a sound, or will he gurgle?" said Emily, and +brought the knife within an inch of my nose. + +"No one is going to die at our tea-party, dear," I said, and ducked. + +"Not after swallowing _that_?" shrieked Emily, and lunged at me with +the knife again. + +I got it firmly by the handle this time, and I recognised Emily's +special cake-knife, an instrument wrought to perfection by long years +of service, sharp as a razor down both sides, with a flexible tip +that slithered round a basin and scooped up the last morsels of +candied-peel. + +But the flexible tip was gone. I understood Emily's distraught +condition. You can replace a diamond tiara; money won't buy a +twenty-year-old cake-knife. + +"Try and bear it, dear," I said. + +Emily pointed to the table weighed down with Madeiras and rocks and +almonds and sultanas and gingers. "It's inside one of them," she said. + +For the moment I failed to grasp her meaning. She explained. "I've +made six dozen. The knife was all right when I started; a little bent, +nothing more. It was when I was mixing the last that I noticed the tip +was missing." + +It was a difficult position. There was no time to submit the cakes to +the X-rays; the advance party was streaming through the gate. + +"Dear fellows! I wonder which one it will be," said Emily, and clung +round my neck. + +I put her on one side. "I'll manage it; leave it to me," I said, and +went forward and welcomed our guests. My mind was working clearly +and rapidly, as it always does in a crisis. When I had got them +seated round the tea-table, "My dear friends," I said, "this isn't +a Christmas party, but my wife couldn't help indulging in a little +Christmas fun. She's just whispered to me that she's put a surprise +in one of the cakes. I know her. It won't be an ordinary sort of +surprise. I should advise you all to keep a sharp look-out. There's a +pound" (it was worth a pound to save a hero's throat from being cut) +"for the man who finds anything in his cake which hasn't any business +to be there." + +Within five minutes two pebbles, a tin-tack, a chunk of wood and a +black-beetle were on the tablecloth.... + +"Do you know that flutter's cost me five pounds, and there wasn't a +sign of your infernal knife after all?" I said to Emily when they'd +gone. + +"I've just found it under the kitchen table," said Emily. "I _am_ +thankful." + + * * * * * + + "This company's year ended on the 40th June, and a good + distribution is looked for by the market."--_Journal of + Commerce_. + +With such help from the calendar any company should do well. + + * * * * * + +THE SIGNAL SECTION. + +You know how the great hunter who sleeps with his gun at his pillow +is awake in an instant, with all his faculties alert, when the sacred +spider breaks a twig in the jungle? You remember how the handsome +highwayman, at the first far clatter of hoofs on the great North Road, +is up and out on the scullery roof of the inn before you have turned +the page, and is deep in Lonely Copse (wearing the serving-wench's +stomacher) before his first fat pursuer has said, "Open in the name of +the Law," below his window? Well, like Jimmy's bloodhound in _Punch_, +I am very good at that. + +But it is a telephone-bell that does it. You go down seventy-two +steps--backwards, or you hit your head--to a German room, which smells +German, and you will find my boudoir, furnished with sandbags, a +shaving mirror and a telephone. + +At eleven o'clock I lie on the sandbags and, like the great hunter, +close my eyes immediately in dreamless sleep. + +At five minutes past eleven the telephone-bell rings. + +That is what I am good at. I leap to my feet and say "Hullo!" + +Utter silence follows, save (as Mr. BEACH THOMAS would say) for the +monotonous drone of the great shells bursting outside. + +I repeat my original remark. "Hullo!" I say brightly, "Hullo!... +Hullo!" + +I shake the microphone. It sounds as though sand had got into it, and +still there is silence. The minutes creep on and my voice begins to +fail. Outside in the quiet night a solitary gas-alarm chirps a few +quiet notes to the stars and is still. I continue to say "Hullo!" + +At eleven-fifteen the operator at the other end finishes the story of +what he said to her and what she, on the other hand, said to him, and +turns refreshed to his instrument. + +With a dexterous twist of his wrist he sounds a deafening peal in the +bell at my ear, and says, "Hullo!" + +I retaliate. When the score is vantage out, I put all the red tabs I +can into my voice, and his tone changes. He is at once the cheerful +and willing artisan, eager to please. + +"Yes, Sir ... Yes, Sir ... Who do you want, Sir? This is Zed Esses Pip +Ack five, Sir ..." + +"You called me," I say. + +He is more hurt than angry at that. "Oh, no, Sir. You rang me up, Sir. +This is Zed Esses ..." + +I nip that in the bud by saying "Hullo!" very loud. He realizes that +the game is up. + +"Speak to Division, Sir," he says curtly, and clicks before I can +answer. A faint far gnat-voice says, "Is that Zed Ess?" + +"No," I shout. "What the ..." + +"Through to Division," says gnat-voice and clicks me off. Another +voice carries on the good work. Upstairs the shells burst playfully +on the parapet, and under the starlit sky a gas cloud drifts slowly +across the fields, almost hiding the cattle who are grazing peacefully +there in the long wet grass. + +At midnight I am through to Division. + +"Is that you?" says Division. "There is a list ..." + +"Finished, please?" says the operator so near and loud that I jump. + +Division and I are at one here--we are agreed that we have not +finished. Like the Brothers Crosstalk, we say so simultaneously, using +the same swearword. + +The operator clicks off, baffled. + +"That list of men for a bombing course," says Division. + +"Yes, Sir," I reply brightly, though my heart sinks. + +"You ought to have sent it in at 6 P.M.," says Division. "And it has +not yet arrived." + +I look at my wrist-watch, but realise too late that this graceful +gesture is lost on him. "I am sorry, Sir," I reply with dignity, "but +the delay was inevitable. It shall be with you on the breakfast-table. +The difficulty of communication in this great War ..." + +Division laughs sardonically. + +At ten minutes past twelve I go to bed again, and at twelve-fifteen +an orderly shines an electric torch in my eyes in order to prevent my +reading a wire which he hands me. It says, "Ref. your S.C. 1985 please +ask PIG if they have salvaged any German socks. A.A.A. urgent." + +I stand up, and the orderly, completely unnerved by the sight of a +Staff Captain in undress uniform, releases the button of his torch and +retires under cover of darkness. + +I twirl the handle of the telephone and listen. There is silence. +I turn it again with vigour. For twenty minutes I behave like an +organ-grinder. Towards dawn the bell rings and I receive an electric +shock. + +"Hullo!" says the operator. + +I tell him what I think of him. When I have finished the sun is up +and the first aeroplane is dropping its glad bombs on the dewy earth +below. + +I demand PIG. PIG is a Machine Gun Company. By breakfast-time I have +discovered that PIG has salvaged socks, German, one. + +I ring up Division ... + +It is a splendid force, as they used to say in _The Message from +Mars_--it is a splendid force, the Signal Service. + +And men sleeping among the rats in the front line wake for their +coffee and hot water and envy me my undisturbed nights. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Tenant_ (_digging up lawn and waste ground, to +agent_). "CAN YOU INFORM ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE MAN WHO OWNED THIS +PLACE BEFORE ME?" + +_House Agent_. "ER--HE'S IN FRANCE." + +_Tenant_. "UM. WELL, I HOPE HE COMES BACK. SAFELY!"] + + * * * * * + + "The Vienna _Die Zeit_ considers the political crisis in + Germany as one of the chief consequences of the political + utterances of English, American and French statesmen, + demanding the demoralisation of Germany."--_Sunday Times_. + +It seems superfluous. + + * * * * * + + "It is authoritatively announced that the American troops + fighting in France will very shortly receive steel helmets, + the design of the helmets being very similar to those worn by + the French and British forces, but bearing, as insignia, the + United States coat of mail."--_Daily Graphic_. + +Head-protection is very necessary, but isn't this rather overdoing it? + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11704 *** diff --git a/11704-h/11704-h.htm b/11704-h/11704-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e0d9ef2 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/11704-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2220 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, July 25, 1917, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11704 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +July 25, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" size="5" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 25, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Not one of the morning papers advocated the appointment of + Sir Eric Geddes to be First Lord of the Admiralty. A big scoop + this for the Government.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A shortage of paper yarns is reported from Germany. The + coarser varieties have apparently all been monopolised by the + Imperial Government.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A foolish rumour is going the rounds to the effect that a + music-hall comedian has confessed that he has never made a joke + about the Mess in Mesopotamia. It is feared that the recent hot + weather has affected the poor fellow.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the absence of the sea-serpent this year a tope weighing + thirty-nine pounds has been captured at Hastings. The fisherman + who caught it declares that if he had known it was a tope at + the time he would not have been in such a hurry to sign the + pledge.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Food-Controller is calling for strict economy in the use + of ice. It is not generally known that after it has been warmed + a little in front of the fire the stuff will keep almost + indefinitely.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The order prohibiting the use of enemy languages over the + telephone is said to be causing some inconvenience. Several + persons intercepted by the operator in the course of a guttural + conversation have been subsequently shown to have been talking + Swiss.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Pittsburg inventor is reported by Mr. MARCONI to have + discovered a method of bottling light. If he can bottle + anything lighter than the new Government ale his claim to be a + wizard is established.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A safe weighing three hundredweight has been stolen from a + branch post office in the Gray's Inn Road. It is believed that + in the excitement caused by an air-raid alarm it was snatched + up by a customer who mistook it for his hat.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A man applied at Willesden Police Court recently for advice + as to what he should do with a loaf of War bread which was + uneatable, as he dared not destroy it and could not eat it. His + only objection to keeping it as a pet was a fear that it would + never become really fond of children, although it might in time + prove a good house-guard with which to ward off burglars.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At the Birmingham Assizes a man has been sent to prison for + publishing a pamphlet entitled "Questions for Parsons." He now + contemplates a new pamphlet entitled "Back Answers to the + Bench."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to the fact that the political situation is not quite + clear in Germany the Reichstag has been adjourned. It is + expected also that an attempt will be made to adjourn the + War.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A writer in <i>English Mechanics</i> declares that a cornet + played near caterpillars will cause them to drop to the ground + and die. We understand that the R.S.P.C.A. plead with + allotment-holders to destroy these pests by a less gruesome + method.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A motor lorry laden with petrol dashed into the front of a + house at Hazelgrove when the family was not at home. It is only + fair to say that the driver did not know they were out.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Barcelona-to-Bilbao motor race has been postponed owing + to strikes in Spain. A few sharp lessons like this will, we + feel certain, have the effect of discouraging the habit of + striking.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Some men, said a man before the Swindon Guardians, take up + angling in order to go into the country to enjoy a smoke. It is + not known why the others do it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Board of Agriculture point out that there is an abundant + supply of kippers on the market at reasonable prices. This will + come as a great boon to music-hall audiences, who find that the + kippers used by comedians are getting rather frayed at the + edges through constant wear.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Bad language is used at Billingsgate not so much by the + porters as by the buyers," said a witness at a City inquest + last week. A purchaser at this market declares that the + language is often provoked by the fish. Only last week he had a + heated argument with a very talkative haddock.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>England has lost first place in Germany, for America is said + to be the most hated country now. The morning hate of the + German family with ragtime obbligato must be a terrible + thing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The National Service Department," said Mr. Beck in the + House of Commons, "is desirous of remaining where it is." If we + are to believe all we read it will take a great deal to move + this department.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Cod liver oil," says a weekly paper, "is the secret of + health." Smith minor sincerely regrets that our contemporary + has not kept the secret.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i>, referring to the appointment + of Dr. Michaelis, says "there is no chance of his clubbing + together with the big industrialists and misguided agitators." + So long however as they are clubbed separately we shall not + grumble.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Waste-paper in Westminster, it is stated, has gone up from + £2 10<i>s.</i> to £7 a ton. Why, it is asked, + cannot the Government come to the rescue and publish the full + reports of the Dardanelles and Mesopotamia Commissions?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Boxes of matches with jokes on them, we are told, are now on + sale. Several correspondents who were charged twopence for a + box complain that they are unable to see the joke.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An Irish newspaper, <i>The Kilkenny People</i>, has been + suppressed for seditious utterances. People are wondering what + it can possibly have said.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There will be no flag-day on August 26th.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A girl clerk in a Surrey bank has explained a shortage of a + half-penny in her postage-stamps by admitting that she + swallowed one. It is thought that the extremely low price + tempted her.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/49.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>New Hand</i>. "Flies seem pretty awful out here, + Corporal."</p> + + <p><i>Hardened Campaigner</i>. "Wot flies?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <h2>ON VIMY RIDGE.</h2> + + <h3><i>To B.S.B., July 11th</i>.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>On Vimy Ridge I sit at rest</p> + + <p class="i2">With Loos and Lens outspread below;</p> + + <p>An A.D.C.—the very best—</p> + + <p class="i2">Expounds the panoramic show;</p> + + <p>Lightly I lunch, and never yet</p> + + <p class="i2">Has quite so strong an orchestration</p> + + <p>Supplied the music while I ate</p> + + <p class="i4">My cold collation.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Past Avion through the red-roofed town</p> + + <p class="i2">There at our feet our white line + runs;</p> + + <p>Fresnoy's defences, smoking brown,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shudder beneath our shattering guns;</p> + + <p>Pop-pop!—and Archie's puffs have blurred</p> + + <p class="i2">Some craft engaged to search the Bosch + out—</p> + + <p>I hold my breath until the bird</p> + + <p class="i4">Signals a wash-out.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scarce I believe the vision real,</p> + + <p class="i2">That here for life and death they + fight;</p> + + <p>A "Theatre of War," I feel,</p> + + <p class="i2">Has set its stage for my delight,</p> + + <p>Who occupy, exempt from toll,</p> + + <p class="i2">This auditorium, green and tufty,</p> + + <p>Guest of the Management and sole</p> + + <p class="i4">Object in mufti.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And now along the fretted ground</p> + + <p class="i2">Where Canada's "BYNG Boys" stormed their + way,</p> + + <p>I go conducted on the round</p> + + <p class="i2">That GEORGE OF WINDSOR did to-day;</p> + + <p>Immune he trod that zone of lead,</p> + + <p class="i2">And how should I, who just write + verses,</p> + + <p>Hope to attract to my poor head</p> + + <p class="i4">Their "Perishing Percies"?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bapaume had nearly been my tomb;</p> + + <p class="i2">And greatly flattered I should be</p> + + <p>If I could honestly assume</p> + + <p class="i2">The beastly shell was meant for me;</p> + + <p>But though my modesty would shun</p> + + <p class="i2">To think this thought (or even say + it),</p> + + <p>I feel I owe the KAISER one</p> + + <p class="i4">And hope to pay it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW TO CURE THE BOSCH.</h2> + + <p>"Yes, I seen a good bit o' the Bosch, one way and another, + before he got me in the leg," said Corporal Digweed. "Eighteen + months I had with 'im spiteful, and four months with 'im tame. + Meaning by that four months guarding German prisoners."</p> + + <p>"And what do you think of him at the end of it?" I + asked.</p> + + <p>Digweed leant back with a heavily judicial air.</p> + + <p>"Some o' these Peace blighters seem to think he's a little + angel, basin' their opinion, I suppose, on something I must 'a' + missed during my time out. On the other hand there's a tidy few + thinks that one German left will spoil the earth. Now me, I + holds they're both wrong. The second's nearer than what the + first is, I don't deny. But a incident what occurred in that + Prisoners' Camp set me thinking that you might make something + o' Fritz yet, if you only had the time and the patience.</p> + + <p>"We had a batch of prisoners come in what I saw at once was + a different brand to the usual. There wasn't that—well, + that distressin' lack o' humility that you mostly finds showin' + itself after we've had them a week or two. There seemed about + 'em almost a sort o' willingness to learn that put 'em in a + class by themselves. I sez to the interpreter, 'There's + something odd about that lot. You find out what it is;' which + he does. And what do you think it was? <i>They was + convicts</i>. All men in for a long term, what had served five + years and more o' their sentences and was let out to fight.</p> + + <p>"It seemed to me at first the rummiest thing that ever I + see. But I've thought it over and thought it over, and now it's + as clear as day. When the Bosch is kept in a watertight + compartment for a bit, he gets back to being more or less of a + human being. His whole trouble's really through being + surrounded by other Bosches. They get tellin' each other what a + great nation they are, and how they was born to inherit the + earth, and that it's only forestalling nature a bit to go and + take it now, and so on—each going one better than the + last. They keep on contaminatin' one another till what do you + get? Why, me and you spending our old age a-teaching of 'em + humility.</p> + + <p>"Now, with these 'ere convicts it was another story. 'Stead + o' keep talkin' about German culture and what rotters all the + rest o' the world was, their heads had plenty o' time to cool + while they picked their oakum or what not—resultin' in + quite a fairly decent lot o' men, as I say. Yes, it's very + interesting and instructive. I believe it's the solution of the + question, 'How to cure the Bosch,' I do. If you could keep 'em + all apart from each other for five years you'd find they'd be + quite different. I daresay they wouldn't mind it so much + either."</p> + + <p>"If I was a Bosch I should be thankful," I said. "But + wouldn't there be difficulties about this segregation?"</p> + + <p>Digweed waved them aside.</p> + + <p>"There's always difficulties," he said. "But you mark my + words, that's the thing to do. It would help it along, too, to + give 'em the right sort of books and papers to read. Why, if + you worked the thing properly, they might mostly be cured in + two years or two and a half."</p> + + <p>I shook my head. "There are some you'll never cure," I + said.</p> + + <p>"There'd be stubborn cases, I won't deny. And a few + incurables, as you say. But the first thing to do is to + advertise the idea. You make a speech about it, Sir. When + you're proposing a vote of thanks to a Duchess for openin' a + bazaar, you bring it up. I've heard people before now take that + kind of opportunity to bring something forward what they'd got + on their chest."</p> + + <p>"I'm not likely to get a chance like that," I said; "but + I'll see if I can write an article about it."</p> + + <p>Whether Digweed will consider the article worthy of the + subject I cannot say. Perhaps the Editor of <i>Punch</i> is + less fastidious.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FOR OUR SAILORS.</h2> + + <p>The current week is "Navy Week," and Mr. Punch begs to urge + his kind friends to take their part in the great organised + effort to raise a large sum for the benefit of our sailors and + their families—R.N., R.N.R., R.N.V.R., trawlers and + mine-sweepers. The nation owes them all a debt that can never + be paid. The fund is to be administered on the lines of King + Edward's Hospital Fund. An All-American matinée will be + given in this good cause at the Victoria Palace on Thursday, + July 26th, and <i>Trelawny of the Wells</i> (with Miss IRENE + VANBRUGH) at the New Theatre on Friday. Gifts for the fund may + be addressed to Commodore Sir RICHARD WILLIAMS-BULKELEY, Bt., + at the offices of "Navy Week," 5, Green Street, Leicester + Square, W.C. 2.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/51.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52" + id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/52.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Sergeant</i> (<i>to cadet</i>). "SIT + BACK, SIR! SIT BACK! THINK WOT A BLINKIN' FOOL YOU'D + LOOK IF 'IS 'EAD WAS TO COME ORF!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <h3>LXIII.</h3> + + <p>My dear Charles,—I never meant to give myself away; I + meant to go on talking about the old War till the end, just as + if I was taking a leading part in it, so that you should have + still believed I was doing the bull-dog business with the best + of them. But no, let me be honest and tell you that I have + practically ceased to be a dog. The only painful connection I + can boast of recently with the War is that, having cause to + travel from place to place in this country, I was unhappy + enough to strike six meatless days in succession, which gave me + to think that even embusquing in France has its drawbacks. On + the seventh day I was accused, by good people who know not + Thomas, of being (1) a Russian, (2) an American, (3) a Belgian, + and (4) an Irishman, which made me feel that these gaudy + colours I have burst into are not so famous as I supposed; and + on the eighth day I find myself insulted in twenty-seven places + by an angry mosquito, whom in the small hours of the morning I + had occasion to rap over the knuckles and turn out of my + billet. And I've got a nasty cold, and nobody loves me or + cleans my buttons, and if I want to go anywhere there are no + more motor cars and they make me pay a penny for the tram, and + my wife doesn't think I'm a hero any longer, and little James + is being taught to blush and look away and start another + subject when anybody says "Dad-dad," and (if you can believe + this) I've just been made to pay a franc-and-a-half for a tin + of bully beef.</p> + + <p>But you don't sympathise, not a bit of it; why should you? I + shouldn't if I were in your place. I should just cut off the + supply of cigarettes and shaving-soap, stop wishing me good + luck, and, with haughty contempt, say, "Call yourself a + soldier!" Nevertheless, my friend, whatever I may <i>be</i>, I + <i>look</i> extraordinarily magnificent, so much so that a + short-sighted Major has taken his pipe out of his mouth as I + have drawn near and has as good as saluted me. When he saw I + was only a Captain (and a temporary Captain at that) he tried + to cover his mistake; but he didn't deceive me; he didn't need + to take his pipe out of his mouth in order to scratch his head, + did he?</p> + + <p>There is this to be said about being at war, you never know + what is going to happen to you next. For the most part this is + just as well. There is, however, a decent percentage of + pleasant surprises, which is, I suppose, the only thing that + makes the business tolerable. No orderly ever came up to the + trenches, when I was in them, but he gave rise to the hope that + he had orders for me to come out at once and command in chief. + Some such orderly did arrive at last, but the instructions he + gave me said nothing about taking over the B.E.F. Nevertheless + orders were orders and I obeyed them and came out. Having a + private conversation with Fortune on the way down the + communication trench, I thanked her very sincerely for her + kindness and said I was so grateful that I would never ask her + for anything else.</p> + + <p>But you know human nature as well as I do; I soon found + myself saying what a hard life it was in an office, and how one + missed the open-air life one had with one's regiment and the + healthy appetite it gave one. Besides which, as I pointed out + to Fortune, my solid worth wasn't being recognised as it should + be. "I don't ask for favours," I told her. "All I ask is bare + justice." Now, if I'd been Fortune, Charles, and a man had + spoken to me like that, after all I'd done for him, I'd have + had him marching up that communication trench again, with a + full pack, at five o'clock in the very next forenoon.</p> + + <p>But Fortune, ever kind and forgiving, did no such thing. She + did remonstrate with me gently of nights, when the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> noise of the bombardments was + particularly fierce and prolonged. "What about those poor + fellows right up in front," she said, "who are sitting out + in the wind and the rain and going through <i>that</i>?" + "Yes," said I, "what about them? Can't you do something for + them? Do you know that this is their fourth night of it in + succession, and the only bit of change you've been able to + give them was sleet instead of rain on the Sunday?" That + used to put Fortune in the cart, and she'd try and work the + conversation round to my own case again. But what with the + wind and the noise and the downpour and the mud, I was too + hot on the other subject, and I said that Fortune ought to + be ashamed of herself, carrying on like that; and it was a + disgraceful war and the police ought to stop it, and I'd a + very good mind to write to the papers about it.</p> + + <p>Then the next day would be fine and dry and warm, and it + would be early closing for the Bosch artillery, and the + infantry would go marching past my office window, whistling and + singing and behaving as if the whole thing was a jolly old + picnic; and who'd be an inkslinger in such weather? And + Fortune, modestly intruding, would say to me casually, "I think + I've arranged that rather well, don't you?"</p> + + <p>"Ah, you've arranged something at last, have you?" I'd say, + assuming that she must be thinking about me, and I'd open my + official envelopes with an unusual interest, feeling + practically sure that one of them must contain immediate orders + for me—the one and only me—to proceed forthwith to + England and reorganise the War Office, taking over a couple of + six-cylinder cars and a furnished flat in St. James's for the + purpose.</p> + + <p>Poor old Fortune! what could she say next? She'd look at me, + more in sorrow than in anger, and murmur, "Aren't you + forgetting that this is a war and you are supposed to be + fighting it?" Did I blush for shame? Not I. As bold as brass + I'd look old Fortune straight in the face and, with righteous + indignation, would say, "I know as well as you do, Ma'am, that + it is a war; but there's no reason why it shouldn't be a + <i>just</i> war." Thinking it out I have never been quite able + to see what I meant by that, as applied to my own case. + However, I seem to have said the right thing, and it appears to + have impressed Fortune very considerably, because—well, + Charles, here I am.</p> + + <p>Yet if there is justice in this world (and I subsist on the + confident hope and belief that there is not) I know what the + end of it must be. That confounded orderly, turned traitor, + will one day search me out, however far I may have wandered + from the battlefield meanwhile, and, saluting ironically, will + hand me an envelope marked "Urgent, secret, confidential, + personal, private." The contents will be a piece of news and + some orders, and all that Fortune will have had to do with it + will be to attach a forwarding slip, "Passed to you, please, + for your information and necessary action." The news will be + that for everyone else the War is over, and the infantry and + the rest of them will take over forthwith my present + circumstances, being free to revel in the trams and the + mosquitoes and the nasty colds to their hearts' delight. The + orders will be that for me the War is about to begin again in + grim earnest, and that to-morrow at dawn I take over and defend + till further notice, and against all the most noisy and + loathsome inventions that man can devise, that sector of the + trenches which extends from the Swiss frontier to the sea.</p> + + <p>When that day comes I shall be too busy (taking cover) to + have leisure to write to you. Meanwhile I shall still be in + touch with life from time to time and will pass on to you such + scraps as come my way. Yours ever, Henry.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The India Office goes to Mr. Montagu."—<i>The + Star.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mahomet had to go to the Mountain, but Mr. Montagu is more + fortunate.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/53.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "I dessay some women can do men's work. But + they'll never git men's wages."</p> + + <p><i>Joe</i> (<i>much married</i>). + "Wotchermean—<i>never?</i> They always 'ave!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <h2>OUR MIGHTY PENMEN.</h2> + + <h3>BY A LITERARY EXPERT.</h3> + + <p>The House of Boffin announces a revised edition of Mr. + Elbert Pitts's <i>Final Words on Religion</i>, under the title + of <i>Antepenultimate Words on Religion</i>. As Mr. Pitts + observes in his arresting Preface, "Finality, in a time of + upheaval, is a relative term, and I hope, at intervals of six + months or so, to publish my penultimate, quasi-ultimate and + paulo-post-ultimate views on the vital beliefs which underlie + the fantastic superstructure of dogmatic theology." The new + work will be illustrated with three portraits of the author by + Mr. Marcellus Thom, taken at various stages of the composition + of the work.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. Pitts has also completed a new novel entitled <i>The + Bounder of Genius</i>, and has kindly furnished us with a brief + outline of its contents. The hero, who starts life as an + artificial raspberry-pip maker and amasses a colossal fortune + in the Argentine grain trade, marries a poor seamstress in his + struggling days, but deserts her for a brilliant variety + actress, who is in turn deposed by (1) the daughter of a dean, + (2) the daughter of an earl, and (3) the daughter of a duke. + Ultimately Jasper Dando, for that is his name, leads a crusade + to Patagonia, where he establishes a new republic founded on + Eugenics, China tea, and the Prohibition of the Classics. Mr. + Pitts thinks it the finest thing he has done, and he is + fortified in this conviction by the opinion of Mr. Stoot, the + principal reader of the House of Boffin.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are glad to hear that Mr. Hanley Potter will shortly + issue, through the firm of Bloomer and Guppy, a selection from + the reviews, notices and essays contributed by him to <i>The + Slagville Gazette</i>. "They are interesting," says the author, + "as the expression of a fresh and unbiassed mind, unfettered by + any respect for established reputations or orthodox standards." + The titles of some of the articles—"The Dulness of + Dante," "The Sloppiness of Scott," "George Eliot as Pedant," + "Jane Austen the Prude"—indicate sufficiently the + richness of the treat provided in these stimulating pages.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Centenary of JANE AUSTEN is to be celebrated in a + thoroughly practical manner by the House of Hussell. It will be + remembered that, some thirty years ago, an effort was made to + revive the waning popularity of SIR WALTER SCOTT by the issue + of a series of condensed versions of his novels, in which + redundant passages, notes and introductions were removed and + the salient features were compressed in a compact and animated + narrative. In order to render justice to JANE AUSTEN the + process needed is diametrically opposite. JANE AUSTEN'S novels + are short and singularly lacking in picturesqueness, emotion, + colour. Mr. Hamo Bletherley, who has been entrusted with the + task of infusing these elements into JANE AUSTEN'S staid and + reticent romances, points out that her vocabulary was + extraordinarily limited. Her abstinence from decorative + epithets led to results that are bald and unconvincing. One may + look in vain in her pages for such words as "arresting," + "vital," "momentous" or "sinister." She never uses "glimpse," + "sense" or "voice" as verbs. We look forward with eager + anticipation to the results of Mr. Bletherley's courageous + experiment.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In this connection we cannot too heartily congratulate Mr. + Jerome Longmore, the well-known bookman and literary + curio-collector, on his latest stroke of good luck. It appears + that in a recent pilgrimage to Selborne he met the only + surviving great-granddaughter of Sarah Timmins (charwoman at + Chawton in the years 1810 to 1815), and purchased from her a + pair of bedroom slippers, a pink flannel dressing-gown and a + boa which had belonged to the great novelist. A full + description of these priceless relics will shortly appear in + <i>The Penman</i>, together with a life and portrait of Sarah + Timmins, who married a pork butcher in Liphook and died in + 1848. One of her letters establishes the interesting fact that + JANE AUSTEN never ate sausages.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We may add that Mr. Longmore is not one of those miserly + collectors who brood over their treasures and deny the sight of + them to others. On the contrary he takes the keenest pleasure + in showing them to his friends, and at the present time is + holding a series of informal receptions at his charming villa + at Potter's Bar, at which, robed in JANE AUSTEN'S + dressing-gown, wearing her boa and shod in her slippers, he + presents a truly romantic and distinguished spectacle. We + understand that the Potter's Bar authorities are favourably + considering the proposal that warnings of air raids in that + locality should be given by the appearance in public of Mr. + Longmore in this striking dress.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"... Mr. Lloyd George, on whom, by devious paths, has + descended the mantle of Lord Rosebery."—<i>Daily + Express.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Including the PRIMROSE path, we presume.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>PETHERTON'S PEDIGREE.</h2> + + <p>A stroke of luck enabled me to open an interesting little + correspondence with my genial neighbour, Petherton, which + resulted in one of those delightful passages-of-arms in which + Petherton, at least, excels.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>DEAR MR. PETHERTON (I began),—I have made a + discovery which will, I am sure, interest you, though I am + uncertain whether it will be as pleasing to you as to + myself.</p> + + <p>During certain research work at the Record Office I came + across incontrovertible evidence that we are in some way + related through a Petherton in the early part of the + eighteenth century (<i>tempus</i> GEORGE II.) being + sufficiently far-seeing to contract a marriage with a + Fordyce. This Petherton, by name Edward, lived at Kirkby + Lonsdale, and his wife, Emily Jane Fordyce, at Dent, in the + same district.</p> + + <p>I haven't a family tree by me, but know the + late-lamented Emily Jane by name. She was part of the issue + of one Henry Fordyce, who is in the direct line, absolutely + non-stop, without changing, from the earliest known Fordyce + to myself.</p> + + <p>What a field for speculation is here opened up! With + your scientific bent you will grasp the possibilities of + the hereditary influence of my family on yours, supposing + Edward Petherton to be a direct ancestor of your own. To me + the unexpected result of my researches will give an added + interest to our correspondence, and I await with eagerness + your views as to the value and interest of my + discovery.</p> + + <p>Your kinsman,</p> + + <p>HENRY J. FORDYCE.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Petherton cried "Touché" at once, and lunged at me in + accordance with my plan of campaign.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SIR (he spluttered),—As a very busy man I must + protest against your attempt to distract my attention by + writing to me on a matter that is of no importance. That + your discovery is of a somewhat disconcerting nature I will + not deny, but that it is of any particular value or + interest to me is hardly to be expected, seeing that it + relates to a by-gone century, and any defects acquired by + the Pethertons from such a union will, I imagine, have been + overcome by now.</p> + + <p>The Fordyces were apparently a more attractive race in + the eighteenth than in the twentieth century. I can + scarcely imagine a present-day Petherton contracting such a + <i>mésalliance</i>.</p> + + <p>A direct ancestor of mine, Edward Petherton, as I see by + the Family Bible in my possession, was born in 1699, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> married in 1728, and + lived at Kirkby Lonsdale. His wife's name is not stated, + but I can the more readily believe that he is the + misguided individual to whom you refer, as he died in + 1729, no doubt as the result of his rash act. His son, + Primus Postumus Petherton, born, as his second name + suggests, after his father's death, carried on the line. + Any possible virtues or talents my family may possess + are not, I am certain, from the distaff side of this + union.</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>FREDERICK PETHERTON.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>I made a thrust in tierce:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>DEAR COUSIN FRED,—What a mine of information you + are! I touch a spring and out comes Primus Postumus + Petherton. The name conjures up visions of grey church + towers, monumental urns and the eulogies in verse beloved + of Georgian poets. I wonder whether Possy was a great + letter-writer and kept poultry. By the way, what a lot of + good things begin with a "P," and, talking of poultry, I + notice yours are laying, or should be. They are certainly + in full song these mornings.</p> + + <p>I'm so glad that you're so glad that I'm a relation. + When I was at the Record Office again yesterday I searched + for more information about my new-found relatives. In fact + I dug up the Petherton allotment thoroughly and unearthed + Priscilla and Anne, both of CHARLES I.'s time, and + Marmaduke of the Restoration.</p> + + <p>I couldn't exhume a complete family tree, or no doubt I + should have found all these worthies hanging on their + respective branches, though Marmaduke might have dropped + off, as he appears to have been a bit over-ripe from what I + could gather from the records.</p> + + <p>How are the Food Regulations suiting you? Judging from + your last letter I'm afraid you are not taking enough + starch. Of course I know it's gone up fearfully in price + lately. Personally I've taken to wearing soft collars.</p> + + <p>Your affectionate Cousin, H.F.</p> + + <p>Aren't you pleased that potatoes have come in again? + (Another good thing beginning with a P.)</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Petherton ground his teeth for a last bout, and bade me come + on.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SIR (he wrote),—I'm glad you've taken to soft + collars. They will suit your soft head. As for food, I'm + afraid you're not taking enough arsenic. A slight touch of + relationship to my family has evidently turned your brain. + I cannot say how sorry I am that you should have discovered + the one flaw in my pedigree.</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>FREDERICK PETHERTON.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>I gave him one last little tweak under the ribs:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>DEAR OLD BOY,—Just a hurried line to say that all + is forgiven and forgotten. The family feud (there must have + been one, I'm certain) which has kept the Pethertons and + the Fordyces apart for the last couple of centuries is a + thing of the past, now that we two understand each other so + thoroughly. I am only sorry I did not discover the + strawberry mark on your left arm earlier, that I might the + sooner have subscribed myself.</p> + + <p>Your long lost HARRY.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This either disarmed him or he threw away his weapon in + disgust.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55.png" + alt="" /></a><i>British Tar</i> (<i>confidentially to + lady friend</i>). "SHE'S SUNK ALL RIGHT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Other houses have a good many books which have come + down from posterity, mostly in odd + volumes."—<i>"Claudius Clear" in "The British + Weekly."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Some of those that we bequeath to our ancestors will be + quite as odd.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is rumoured that during the period of food-control a + well-known Soho restaurant intends to change its name to the + "Rhondda-vous."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" + id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/56.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/56.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Busy City-man to his Partner</i> + (<i>as one of the new air-raid warnings gets to + work</i>). "IF YOU'LL LEAVE ME IN HERE FOR THE + WARNINGS I'LL CARRY ON WHILE YOU TAKE SHELTER DURING + THE RAIDS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LITTLE THINGS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I used to be a peaceful chap as didn't ask for + trouble,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' as for rows an' fightin', why, I'd + mostly rather not,</p> + + <p>But now I'd charge an army single-'anded at the + double,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' it's all along o' little things I've + learned to feel so 'ot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's 'orrid seein' burnin' farms, which I 'ave often + seen 'ere,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' fields all stinks an' shell-'oles, + an' the dead among the flowers,</p> + + <p>But the thing I've 'ated seein' all the bloomin' + time I've been 'ere</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the little gardens rooted up—the + same as might be ours</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's bad to see the chattos—which means + castles—gone to ruins,</p> + + <p class="i2">And big cathedrals knocked to bits as + used to look that fine,</p> + + <p>But what puts me in a paddy more than all them sort + o' doin's</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the little 'ouses all in + 'eaps—the same as might be mine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An' when the what's-it line is bust an' we go + rompin' through it,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' knock the lid off Potsdam an' the + KAYSER off 'is throne,</p> + + <p>Why, what'll get our monkey up an' give us 'eart to + do it?</p> + + <p class="i2">Just thinkin' o' them little things as + might 'ave been our own</p> + + <p class="i2">(An' most of all the little kids as might + 'ave been our own)!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>GOIN' BACK.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm goin' back to Blighty and a free-an' easy + life,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I grant it ain't the Blighty of me + pals:</p> + + <p>They takes the Tube to Putney, to the kiddies and + the wife,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or takes the air on 'Ampstead with their + gals;</p> + + <p>My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the sweet gorse smellin' in the + sun;</p> + + <p>And the 'eather 'ot and dry, where a tired man may + lie</p> + + <p class="i4">When the long day's done.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's picture-'alls in 'Ammersmith to suit them + mates o' mine;</p> + + <p class="i2">There's beer and 'addock suppers and + cigars;</p> + + <p>But I guess I'd sooner slog it where there's jest + the scent o' pine</p> + + <p class="i2">And over'ead an 'eap o' little stars;</p> + + <p>The lights o' Charin' Cross and Piccadilly,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd swop 'em for the silver of the + streams,</p> + + <p>When the summer moon is lit and the bats begin to + flit</p> + + <p class="i4">And the dark earth dreams.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm goin' back to Blighty, to the little lonesome + lanes,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dog-rose and the foxglove and the + ferns,</p> + + <p>The sleepy country 'orses and the jolty country + wains</p> + + <p class="i2">And the kindly faces every way you + turns;</p> + + <p>My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the sweet gorse smellin' in the + sun;</p> + + <p>And the 'eather good and deep where a tired man may + sleep</p> + + <p class="i4">When the long day's done.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" + id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/57.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>LONG LIVE THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR!</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" + id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, July 16th</i>.—In the course of a + discussion on "rope" in War-bread Mr. THORNE accused the + West-End bakeries of mixing white flour with the "G.R." + variety, and so supplying their wealthy customers with better + bread than is procurable by his own constituents. Although no + official confirmation of this charge was forthcoming Mr. THORNE + appeared to be convinced of its accuracy. In his opinion the + Government, following the historic example of PHARAOH, should + give the bread to the people and the rope to the bakers.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/58-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/58-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE EMPTY SEAT.</h3>MR. PUNCH DROPS A SILENT TEAR AT + THE DEPARTURE OF ONE OF HIS BEST PUPPETS. + </div> + + <p>It might not be accurate to say that in the matter of beer + the Irishman wants but little here below, but he certainly + wants that little strong; and being, in spite of a popular + impression to the contrary, a seriously-minded person, he + resents any reduction of his gravity. Mr. BRIDGEMAN'S gentle + reminder that no Irish brewer need avail himself of the new + regulations unless he pleases quite failed to satisfy the + Nationalists that a new item had not been added to Ireland's + catalogue of grievances.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 17th</i>.—For some weeks Mr. GINNELL + has been absent from his place. No one has gone so far as to + suggest that the Roll of the House should be called in order to + bring back the hon. Member to his Parliamentary duties. But + considerable curiosity was aroused by his recent statement that + he proposed to make one more appearance at Westminster before + retiring permanently to Ireland to watch over the growth of the + Sinn Fein Republic. To-day was the day. Question 45, "Mr. + Ginnell, to ask the Prime Minister, &c., &c.," was + eagerly awaited. There was no saying that the hon. Member, if + dissatisfied with the reply, would not hurl the Mace at the + CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, so as to ensure a properly + dramatic exit. At last No. 45 was reached; but Mr. GINNELL was + not there to put it. Once more the Saxon intellect had been too + slow to keep up with the swift processes of the Celtic + cerebellum. Mr. GINNELL has on more than one occasion made what + his compatriots call a "holy show" of himself; but he refuses + to do this sort of thing to order.</p> + + <p>Mr. HOUSTON is still harping upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER'S recent confession of his ship-owning gains, and + laboured hard this afternoon to convince the Committee that + shipowners in general were in no sense profiteers. He failed, + however, to avert the wrath of Mr. DENNISS, who declared that + if, after what had been revealed, any shipowner was made a + peer, he should move to abolish the peerage.</p> + + <p>This day the KING in Council decreed that the Royal House + should forthwith abandon all German titles and be known + henceforth as the House of Windsor. No one will be better + pleased than Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, who for months past has been + unsparing in his efforts to purge the Upper House of enemy + peers, and to-night had the satisfaction of seeing a Bill for + that purpose read a second time. His prophecy that such a + measure could be passed in three minutes was not quite borne + out; but that was chiefly because the hon. Member himself + occupied a quarter-of-an-hour in complaining of the + Government's delay in introducing it.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, July 18th</i>.—Sir HENRY DALZIEL has + been labouring under the delusion that the R.N.A.S. and the + R.F.C. are so mortally afraid of trespassing upon one another's + aerial preserves that the former will not attack an enemy plane + travelling over land, or the latter over sea. Dr. MACNAMARA for + the Navy, and Mr. MACPHERSON for the Army, informed him that + there was no truth in the suggestion; but Colonel CLAUDE + LOWTHER, remembering that there were once Two Macs who + delighted in spoofing their audiences, refused to be comforted + until categorically assured that between R.N.A.S. and R.F.C. + there is "sufficient cohesion."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/58-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/58-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>LORD HARDINGE'S CHAMPION.</h3>MR. BALFOUR LETS OUT. + </div> + + <p>This was BALFOUR's day. Never since he gave up the + Leadership of the Unionist Party six years ago has he more + completely dominated the scene. Mr. BONAR LAW had announced + that the Government had on third thoughts decided not to set up + a new tribunal to try the persons affected by the Mesopotamia + Report. The military officers would be dealt with by the Army + Council. As for Lord HARDINGE, the Government, "on the + representations of the FOREIGN SECRETARY," had again refused + his proffered resignation. If any Members disapproved, let them + propose a Vote of Censure or move the adjournment.</p> + + <p>It was perhaps fortunate for the Government that Mr. DILLON + accepted the challenge. During the War the Member for East Mayo + has lost such authority in the House as he once possessed. + Criticism on the conduct of the campaign from one who boasts + that he has never stood upon a recruiting platform lacks + sincerity. Mr. BALFOUR, always at his best when defending a + friend, laid about him lustily, and convinced the majority of + the House, not very friendly at the outset, that it would be an + act of gross injustice to remove a great public servant because + the Commission—on whose evidence, without further + inquiry, you could not hang a cat—had reported adversely + on his conduct in an entirely different capacity.</p> + + <p>To add to the force of this appeal came Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S + striking testimonial—"I + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" + id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> have known Lord Hardinge from + a boy." After that, small wonder that the House rejected Mr. + Dillon's motion by 176 to 81.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, July 19th.</i>—The only thing that keeps + Mr. Reddy at Westminster is his delight in acting as Chorus to + Major Pretyman Newman. Whenever the hon. and gallant Member + asks a question Mr. Reddy, in a piping voice of remarkable + carrying power, immediately puts another, designed to throw + doubt upon his personal prowess or his military capacity. Major + Newman had several Questions on the Paper this afternoon, and, + as he had just announced the withdrawal of his valuable support + from a Government so lost to all sense of propriety as to + welcome Messrs. Churchill and Montagu to its fold, Mr. Reddy's + comments were awaited with pleasurable anticipation.</p> + + <p>Alas! for once he was not in his place. Even when Major + Newman elicited the damning information that some members of + the Dublin Metropolitan Police occasionally employ a German + barber there was no penetrating voice from the back benches to + ask, "Why doesn't the honourable Mimber go and shave them + himself?"</p> + + <p>Mr. Jowett wants the Home Secretary to withdraw the + permission he gave some time ago "to employ women on the + night-turn in wool-combing." Several much-married Members are + afraid that whatever he may decide the objectionable practice + will continue.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>Scotland For Ever.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They came from untamable highlands,</p> + + <p class="i2">From glens where their fathers were + free,</p> + + <p>From misty and mountainous islands</p> + + <p class="i2">Set fast in the throat of the sea;</p> + + <p>They fought for the honour of Britain;</p> + + <p class="i2">They died in defence of the right;</p> + + <p>Their deeds are in history written</p> + + <p class="i4">In letters of light.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They fell where the Ganges is flowing;</p> + + <p class="i2">They lie 'neath the Russian Redan;</p> + + <p>Their dust o'er the desert is blowing</p> + + <p class="i2">In the whirlwinds of far Kordofan;</p> + + <p>The sons of Glen Orchy and Rannoch</p> + + <p class="i2">Sleep sound by the slow-moving + Scheldt,</p> + + <p>And the bones of the men of Loch Fannich</p> + + <p class="i4">Are white on the veldt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the Lows and Lochmaben and Gairloch</p> + + <p class="i2">Still march to the battle array,</p> + + <p>And the fighters from many a fair loch,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like their fathers, leap forth to the + fray;</p> + + <p>Red flame tears the darkness asunder</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the curtain of battle is drawn,</p> + + <p>Where the clansmen through death-cloud and + thunder</p> + + <p class="i4">Go over at dawn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the strength of the hills and the heather,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the salt of the sea in their + blood,</p> + + <p>They sweep from the trenches together</p> + + <p class="i2">With the force of an onrushing flood;</p> + + <p>Like the billows that beat upon Moidart</p> + + <p class="i2">When gales from the Hobrides blow,</p> + + <p>Like a storm on the mountains of Knoidart</p> + + <p class="i4">They burst on the foe.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/59.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Hairdresser</i> (<i>with a view to + business—to customer, who is getting rapidly + bald</i>). "There are plenty of hairdressers, you + know, Sir, who profess to make a wig; but, when you've + got it on, it looks nothing like a wig at all, Sir." + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A film-drama:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is the story of the poor orphan daughter of a South + American aristocrat. She has become enamoured of a + tradesman's son, but misapprehension having arisen, she + becomes engaged to a man who apparently is well endowed + with this world's foods."—<i>Leicester Daily + Mercury.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>In these times, who can wonder at her choice?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From an article on the Royal Lineage:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"After the extinction of the Billing + Family...."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A correspondent, writing upon House of Commons' notepaper, + assures us that the above passage is a gross exaggeration.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Charlie D. (Westminster).—We answer you in the + words of Cassius, 'A plague of both your + houses.'"—<i>Town Topics</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Were not the words those of <i>Mercutio</i> when he had + failed to set up a Business Government in Verona?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Apply weed-killers to garden walks and drives, using + every precaution against domestic fowls and other + bird-eating worms."—<i>Irish Gardening</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Very careless of St. Patrick to leave these ornithophagous + reptiles at large.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, Few Men to travel with Hobby + Horses.—Apply Murphy's Steam Galloping Horses, + Abbeyleix, Queen's Co."—<i>Irish Independent</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Now we understand Mr. Ginnell's sudden decision to quit + Westminster.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> + + <h2>THE TAP-ROOM.</h2> + + <p>Our Reserve Battalion has a billiard-room, which is well + patronised by all those cheerful souls who have escaped from + France without permanent injury and resignedly await the second + call.</p> + + <p>To-night the "Tap-room" is in top form. A four-handed game + of snooker is in as rapid progress as is reasonably possible. + Every easy-chair is filled with a would-be player offering + gratuitous advice in order to speed things up. A young + war-scarred Captain is balanced on a rickety side-table, + offering odds on the game in a raucous voice. The Mess-waiter + strives to be in three places at once. Through all, the + players, totally unnerved, play with a desperate attempt at + concentration.</p> + + <p>Suddenly the door opens, and the Colonel enters, heated and + out of breath. His eye pierces through the tobacco smoke and + transfixes the unhappy bookmaker. He requests him to take + advantage of his position to open a window. The players examine + the tips of their cues in sudden silence. The Colonel refuses + the offer of six vacated chairs with a slightly impatient + negative and inquires as to the probable length of the game. He + accepts the obvious untruth that it has just ended, smiles with + satisfaction, and proposes to the Adjutant a game of one + hundred up.</p> + + <p>The Colonel, after examining the cues with marked + disapproval, eventually selects one of short length and + pronounced weight. He then appropriates for his sole personal + use the only piece of chalk, demands the spot ball, places it + in position, and endeavours to cast his opponent's ball into a + baulk pocket with a rapid back-hander. The Adjutant sprints + round the table in pursuit.</p> + + <p>The Colonel next addresses his own ball and propels it + violently against the red, which, taken completely by surprise, + bounds with a strong resilience from the top cushion, courses + twice up and down the table and comes to a pause in the + neighbourhood of the middle pocket. The Colonel tests the + elasticity of the cushion with his thumb and gives way a foot + to enable his opponent to begin a neat break of + twenty-seven.</p> + + <p>The Colonel, finding time hanging heavily on his hands, + devotes this period to filling his pipe from a borrowed pouch; + he then tramps determinedly back to the table and is about to + pocket the red from a point of considerable vantage, when the + Adjutant deferentially suggests that he is about to play with + the wrong ball. The Colonel immediately strides round the table + to where his command is clinging to the cushion, lifts the ball + to convince himself that there is a spot on its surface, plants + it back in a slightly more favourable position, and with one + thrust of his cue projects it into open country. He then leaves + the table without awaiting the result and resumes his pipe.</p> + + <p>The Adjutant now compiles a fifteen break, pauses, notices + the Colonel's inattention, and with typical lack of true + discipline pots his opponent's ball and leaves the others in + baulk. A horrified silence ensues. The Colonel, without + noticing the delicacy of the situation, playfully slopes his + "hipe" and marches back to the table. The awful truth is + instantly laid bare. The colour of his face becomes of an + imperial shade. He dumbly fumbles for his ball, which, with a + last bid for exemption, eludes his fingers and rolls under the + table.</p> + + <p>Taking advantage of this the Colonel, with one glance of + concentrated hate in the direction of his opponent, grapples + with his choler, and by the time that his ball is returned + under escort, has partially recovered himself. He is determined + to show to his subalterns the value of coolness in an + emergency. He places his ball with infinite care and walks + round the table to examine the position from every point of + view. His next move is to mark out elaborate angles with the + assistance of chalk marks on the cushions. Having finally + formed all his plans, he encourages his artillery with a few + more rounds of chalk, approaches the field with studied and + dignified calm, delivers his attack, and retires to watch the + effect from his O. Pip.</p> + + <p>His command, flying desperately across the open, loses + direction, blunders hopelessly into an obstruction on the + flank, retires in confusion, and makes a blind despairing dash + for a shell-crater. Missing this by a fraction it loses all + interest in life, wanders pitifully off at an unnatural angle, + runs into the hostile force of the Adjutant, and comes finally + into contact with the red.</p> + + <p>The Colonel hastens to remark to the enthusiastic audience + that this cannon only proves the possibilities of the noble + game when accuracy is achieved. It is calculated to improve + their marksmanship, to teach them to grasp an opportunity, to + apply their tactical training, and to render them cool in the + hour of crisis.</p> + + <p>Inspired by this truth he attempts to pull off an awkward + losing hazard. This effort is ruined by an appalling miscue + which affects the new cloth. The Colonel justly blames the + chalk, removes the pet-dog of the battalion from his path with + his foot, and makes for the scoring-board. The volunteer marker + inadvertently puts the Colonel's modest score on to the large + total of the Adjutant.</p> + + <p>At this critical moment an orderly fortunately arrives with + a note from the Brigade office. The Colonel secures the + missive, tears the envelope to shreds, runs his eye over the + trivial contents, and curses the War. He then assumes an air of + enormous importance, excuses himself, and stamps out into the + night.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/60.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Ancient Heroine</i>. "IT'S BEEN A + TRYIN' TIME FOR ME, MRS. BLOGGS. MY SAVIN'S-BANK BOOK + WAS UP IN LUNNON ALL THROUGH THE AIR-RAID." + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It may be the bravery of ignorance that induces us to + take this point of view, but the locality excuses ignorance + to some extent, and the bravery still exists: Ovid has a + line that might be learnt with advantage by our + readers—</p> + + <p>"'Falliker augurio, spes bona saepe + sus.'"—<i>Nigerian Pioneer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We do not recall this line in OVID; but the locality is + notoriously unfavourable to Latin quotation. As HORACE says, + <i>Hic Niger est; hunc tu, Romane, caveto</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/61.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Officer</i>. "WANT A NEW MESS-TIN, DO YOU? WHERE'S + YOUR OLD ONE?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "I HAVEN'T GOT IT, SIR." <i>Officer.</i> + "WHY NOT?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "PLEASE, SIR, THERE'S A CHATEAU ON TOP + OF IT, SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>DR. SULLIVAN.</h2> + + <p>It had been decided that there never was such a resemblance + as is to be traced between my homely features and those of a + visitor to the same hotel last year—Dr. Sullivan of + Wigley Street. This had become an established fact irrefutable + like a proposition of Euclid and one of my new friends, who was + also a friend of the Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street who had so + satisfyingly and minutely anticipated my countenance, made it + the staple of his conversation. "Isn't Mr. Blank," he would say + to this and that <i>habitué</i> of the smoking-room as + they dropped in from the neighbouring farms at night, "the very + image of Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was here last + year?" And they would subject my physiognomy to a searching + study and agree that I was. Perhaps the nose—a little + bigger, don't you think? or a shade of dissimilarity between + the chins (he having, I suppose, only two, confound him!), but + taking it all round the likeness was extraordinary.</p> + + <p>This had been going on for some time, until I was + accustomed, if not exactly inured, to it, and was really rather + looking forward to the time when, on returning to London, I + could trump up a sufficient ailment to call upon my double in + Wigley Street and scrutinize him with my own eyes. But last + night my friend had something of a set-back, which may + possibly, by deflecting his conversation to other topics, give + me relief. I hope so.</p> + + <p>It happened like this. We were sitting in the smoking-room + as usual, he and I, when another local acquaintance + entered—one who, I gathered, had been away for a few + weeks and whom I had therefore not yet seen, and who (for this + was the really important thing to my friend) consequently had + not yet seen me.</p> + + <p>In course of time the inevitable occurred. "Don't you + think," my friend asked, "that Mr. Blank is the very image of + Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was here last summer?"</p> + + <p>"What Dr. Sullivan's that?" the newcomer inquired.</p> + + <p>"Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was fishing here last + summer. Don't you remember him? The very image of Mr. + Blank."</p> + + <p>"The only Dr. Sullivan I know," replied the newcomer, "is + Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle. He's a very old man by now. A very + learned man too. He has a wonderful private museum. + He—"</p> + + <p>"No, no, the Dr. Sullivan I mean was From Wigley + Street—a specialist—who took the Manor fishing last + summer and stayed in the hotel."</p> + + <p>"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle is a very old man—much + older than Mr. Blank here, and not a bit like him. He's a most + interesting personality. He is the great authority on the South + Sea Islanders. You should see his collection of Fiji war + clubs."</p> + + <p>"But that's not the Dr. Sullivan I mean. You must remember + him," said my impresario; "we all used to meet evening after + evening, just as we're doing now—Dr. Sullivan of Wigley + Street, the specialist, a clean-shaven big man, exactly like + Mr. Blank here. Everyone has noticed the likeness."</p> + + <p>"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle has a beard," said the newcomer. + "And he's a very old man by now. A great receptacle of + miscellaneous learning. He showed me once his collection of + coins and medals. He's got coins back to the Roman Emperors and + stories about every one of them. His collection—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, but—"</p> + + <p>"—of idols is amazing. You never saw such comic + figures as those natives worship. There's nothing he doesn't + collect. He's got a mummy covered with blue beads. He's got + skulls from all over the world, showing different formations. + It's some years—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, but—"</p> + + <p>"—since I saw him last, and of course he may + be—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, but—"</p> + + <p>"—dead. But if not he's a man worth knowing. If ever + you go to Newcastle don't forget about him. But he must be very + old by now. He—"</p> + + <p>At this point I finished my glass and slipped away to bed. + Consulting the mirror as I undressed, I smiled at the + reflection that confronted me. "You can sleep well to-night," I + said, "for there are signs that you are about to have a + rest."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Dr. von Bethmann-Hollweg and Herr Michaelis.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Michaelis.</i> I have called partly because I desired to + offer my most tactful condolences to my distinguished + predecessor in the high office which I hold, and partly because + I thought you might be willing to give me some hints as to my + conduct, for I should like to leave nothing undone that might + make me a successful Chancellor.</p> + + <p><i>Von Bethmann-Hollweg.</i> Upon my word you are even more + kind and considerate than I had expected. Even to exchange a + word with a fallen Chancellor is a sign both of kindness and + courage. I wonder how you could screw yourself up to the pitch + of being so daring.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> I am glad you think so, for that is how I myself + felt it.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> Well, we will leave your courage out of the + question. It is sufficiently proved by your acceptance of the + Chancellorship. As to such advice as I am able to give, I must + ask you first whether you are ready to have the boots of the + All-Highest constantly wiped upon various parts of your + person?</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> A true Prussian endures that with difficulty.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> But a true Prussian, it seems, can accustom + himself to this form of friendship and confidence as to many + others.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> What others do you speak of?</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> My worthy Michaelis, you really must have + covered your eyes and stopped your ears ever since you were + born, otherwise you could not possibly be so ignorant. Do you + not know that if your great and beloved says a foolish thing or + does an indiscreet one it will be your duty to shoulder the + responsibility for it? And you can easily calculate yourself + during how many hours of the day your back is likely to be + without a burden of some sort. And mind you, you are not to + expect to receive any gratitude for your toil.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> But he speaks a kind word now and then, doesn't + he?</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> A kind word? Ha-ha. When I think of all + that I have done for that man, the acts I have defended, the + stupidities I have tried to convert into statesmanship, the + tempers I have been the butt of, the childish insults I have + had to tolerate, the theatricalities I have been compelled to + treat as if they were the most glorious manifestations of + Imperial splendour—when I think of all this and realise + that he and I are both still alive, I marvel at such a + spectacle of human endurance.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> I must confess you are not very cheerful or very + encouraging.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> I did not set out to cheer you up or to + encourage you, but I thought it just as well that someone + should tell you the truth.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> Why aren't you glad then at having dropped your + burden?</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> I own I ought to be, but, as you hint, I am + not. There are ways of doing things, and there is a real + difference in walking quietly through a door and being kicked + out through it with all possible violence.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> But you have had the Hohenzollern Order presented + to you and the All-Highest has written you with his own + gracious hand a letter.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> <i>Verbosa et grandis epistola venit a + Capreïs.</i> As for the Hohenzollern Order I don't care a + snap of the fingers for it. Nor will you when your time + comes.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> I hope that will not be for many years.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> For your sake I hope your time may be + short. In any case I must thank you most warmly for your + tactful condolences.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>The Rest-Rumour.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know not in what rodent-haunted caverns</p> + + <p class="i2">By what rough tongues the tale was first + expressed,</p> + + <p>By choking fires or in the whispering taverns</p> + + <p class="i2">With wine and omelette lovingly + caressed,</p> + + <p class="i4">Or what tired soul, o'erladen with a + lump</p> + + <p class="i4">Of bombs and bags which someone + <i>had</i> to hump,</p> + + <p class="i4">Flung down his load indignant at the + Dump</p> + + <p class="i2">And, cursing, cried, "<i>It's time we had + a rest!</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so, maybe, began it. Some sly runner,</p> + + <p class="i2">Half-hearing, half-imagining, no + doubt,</p> + + <p>Caught up the word and gave it to a gunner,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he, embroidering, 'twas noised + about</p> + + <p class="i4">From lip to lip in many a trench's + press</p> + + <p class="i4">Where working parties struggled to + progress</p> + + <p class="i4">Or else go back, but both without + success,</p> + + <p class="i2">"<i>Officer says Division's going + out.</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It found the Front. It came up with the rations;</p> + + <p class="i2">The Corporals carried it from hole to + hole;</p> + + <p>And scouts behaved in strange polemic fashions</p> + + <p class="i2">On what they thought would be their last + patrol;</p> + + <p class="i4">While Fritz, of course, from whom few + things are hid,</p> + + <p class="i4">Had the romance as soon as any did,</p> + + <p class="i4">And said, thank William, he would soon be + rid</p> + + <p class="i2">Of yon condemned disturbers of his + soul.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor were there few confirming little trifles,</p> + + <p class="i2">For James, rejoining from the Base, had + scann'd</p> + + <p>Strange waiting infantry with brand-new rifles,</p> + + <p class="i2">In backward areas, but close at hand;</p> + + <p class="i4">And some had marked the D.A.Q.M.G.</p> + + <p class="i4">Approaching Railhead in the dusk, and + he</p> + + <p class="i4">(Who, as a fact, was simply on the + spree)</p> + + <p class="i2">Had gone, of course, to view the Promised + Land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And what a land! Who had not heard its promise?</p> + + <p class="i2">A land of quietude and no grenades,</p> + + <p>Soft beds for officers, fair barns for Tommies,</p> + + <p class="i2">And rich estaminets and gracious + maids,</p> + + <p class="i4">And half-an-hour from Abbeville by the + train</p> + + <p class="i4">A land of rivulets and golden grain</p> + + <p class="i4">(Where it would be impossible to + train</p> + + <p class="i2">And even difficult to have parades)!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then it appeared the groom of General Harrison</p> + + <p class="i2">Had news denied to ordinary men,</p> + + <p>How the Brigade was going home to garrison</p> + + <p class="i2">A restful corner of the Lincoln fen;</p> + + <p class="i4">But weeks have passed and we are as we + were;</p> + + <p class="i4">And possibly, when Peace is in the + air</p> + + <p class="i4">And these dear myths have died of sheer + despair,</p> + + <p class="i2">They may come true—but not, I + think, till then.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Feline Amenities.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Cats' Happy Holiday Home—Wired garden, Home + comforts, References"—<i>Church Family + Newspaper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a notice of "Three Weeks":—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Queen of Croatia, one of those convenient operatic + Balham royalties...."—<i>Liverpool Daily + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Won't Tooting be jealous!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To one who has been long enough away from the centre of + things almost to forget what it is like, a walk along Pall + Mall yesterday brought some curious reflections. From the + Circus to Hyde Park Corner not a single luxurious private + motor-car or horse-drawn carriage was to be seen. It was + not the Pall Mall of old days."—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No, it seems to have been much more like Piccadilly.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Troop-ship Officer</i>. "ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, + SIR?"</p> + + <p><i>Enterprising American</i>. "I GUESS SO. I'M THE + CINEMATOGRAPH OPERATOR WHO'S GOING TO TAKE A FILM THE FIRST + TIME YOU'RE TORPEDOED, AND I'VE GOT A LETTER FROM YOUR + FOLKS INSTRUCTING YOU TO GIVE ME EVERY FACILITY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A SURPRISE PARTY.</h2> + + <p>"Five-and-thirty wounded Tommies coming to tea and one of + them coming to his death, but he doesn't know it," moaned + Emily, and waved a knife round her head.</p> + + <p>I saw what had happened. All this bun-baking and cake-making + had been too much for my poor wife. She had been living in the + oven for a week.</p> + + <p>"You're overdone. Lie down and try to get a little nap + before they come," I said soothingly. "Everything's ready."</p> + + <p>"Will he die without a sound, or will he gurgle?" said + Emily, and brought the knife within an inch of my nose.</p> + + <p>"No one is going to die at our tea-party, dear," I said, and + ducked.</p> + + <p>"Not after swallowing <i>that</i>?" shrieked Emily, and + lunged at me with the knife again.</p> + + <p>I got it firmly by the handle this time, and I recognised + Emily's special cake-knife, an instrument wrought to perfection + by long years of service, sharp as a razor down both sides, + with a flexible tip that slithered round a basin and scooped up + the last morsels of candied-peel.</p> + + <p>But the flexible tip was gone. I understood Emily's + distraught condition. You can replace a diamond tiara; money + won't buy a twenty-year-old cake-knife.</p> + + <p>"Try and bear it, dear," I said.</p> + + <p>Emily pointed to the table weighed down with Madeiras and + rocks and almonds and sultanas and gingers. "It's inside one of + them," she said.</p> + + <p>For the moment I failed to grasp her meaning. She explained. + "I've made six dozen. The knife was all right when I started; a + little bent, nothing more. It was when I was mixing the last + that I noticed the tip was missing."</p> + + <p>It was a difficult position. There was no time to submit the + cakes to the X-rays; the advance party was streaming through + the gate.</p> + + <p>"Dear fellows! I wonder which one it will be," said Emily, + and clung round my neck.</p> + + <p>I put her on one side. "I'll manage it; leave it to me," I + said, and went forward and welcomed our guests. My mind was + working clearly and rapidly, as it always does in a crisis. + When I had got them seated round the tea-table, "My dear + friends," I said, "this isn't a Christmas party, but my wife + couldn't help indulging in a little Christmas fun. She's just + whispered to me that she's put a surprise in one of the cakes. + I know her. It won't be an ordinary sort of surprise. I should + advise you all to keep a sharp look-out. There's a pound" (it + was worth a pound to save a hero's throat from being cut) "for + the man who finds anything in his cake which hasn't any + business to be there."</p> + + <p>Within five minutes two pebbles, a tin-tack, a chunk of wood + and a black-beetle were on the tablecloth....</p> + + <p>"Do you know that flutter's cost me five pounds, and there + wasn't a sign of your infernal knife after all?" I said to + Emily when they'd gone.</p> + + <p>"I've just found it under the kitchen table," said Emily. "I + <i>am</i> thankful."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"This company's year ended on the 40th June, and a good + distribution is looked for by the market."—<i>Journal + of Commerce</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>With such help from the calendar any company should do + well.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>THE SIGNAL SECTION.</h2> + + <p>You know how the great hunter who sleeps with his gun at his + pillow is awake in an instant, with all his faculties alert, + when the sacred spider breaks a twig in the jungle? You + remember how the handsome highwayman, at the first far clatter + of hoofs on the great North Road, is up and out on the scullery + roof of the inn before you have turned the page, and is deep in + Lonely Copse (wearing the serving-wench's stomacher) before his + first fat pursuer has said, "Open in the name of the Law," + below his window? Well, like Jimmy's bloodhound in + <i>Punch</i>, I am very good at that.</p> + + <p>But it is a telephone-bell that does it. You go down + seventy-two steps—backwards, or you hit your + head—to a German room, which smells German, and you will + find my boudoir, furnished with sandbags, a shaving mirror and + a telephone.</p> + + <p>At eleven o'clock I lie on the sandbags and, like the great + hunter, close my eyes immediately in dreamless sleep.</p> + + <p>At five minutes past eleven the telephone-bell rings.</p> + + <p>That is what I am good at. I leap to my feet and say + "Hullo!"</p> + + <p>Utter silence follows, save (as Mr. BEACH THOMAS would say) + for the monotonous drone of the great shells bursting + outside.</p> + + <p>I repeat my original remark. "Hullo!" I say brightly, + "Hullo!... Hullo!"</p> + + <p>I shake the microphone. It sounds as though sand had got + into it, and still there is silence. The minutes creep on and + my voice begins to fail. Outside in the quiet night a solitary + gas-alarm chirps a few quiet notes to the stars and is still. I + continue to say "Hullo!"</p> + + <p>At eleven-fifteen the operator at the other end finishes the + story of what he said to her and what she, on the other hand, + said to him, and turns refreshed to his instrument.</p> + + <p>With a dexterous twist of his wrist he sounds a deafening + peal in the bell at my ear, and says, "Hullo!"</p> + + <p>I retaliate. When the score is vantage out, I put all the + red tabs I can into my voice, and his tone changes. He is at + once the cheerful and willing artisan, eager to please.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir ... Yes, Sir ... Who do you want, Sir? This is Zed + Esses Pip Ack five, Sir ..."</p> + + <p>"You called me," I say.</p> + + <p>He is more hurt than angry at that. "Oh, no, Sir. You rang + me up, Sir. This is Zed Esses ..."</p> + + <p>I nip that in the bud by saying "Hullo!" very loud. He + realizes that the game is up.</p> + + <p>"Speak to Division, Sir," he says curtly, and clicks before + I can answer. A faint far gnat-voice says, "Is that Zed + Ess?"</p> + + <p>"No," I shout. "What the ..."</p> + + <p>"Through to Division," says gnat-voice and clicks me off. + Another voice carries on the good work. Upstairs the shells + burst playfully on the parapet, and under the starlit sky a gas + cloud drifts slowly across the fields, almost hiding the cattle + who are grazing peacefully there in the long wet grass.</p> + + <p>At midnight I am through to Division.</p> + + <p>"Is that you?" says Division. "There is a list ..."</p> + + <p>"Finished, please?" says the operator so near and loud that + I jump.</p> + + <p>Division and I are at one here—we are agreed that we + have not finished. Like the Brothers Crosstalk, we say so + simultaneously, using the same swearword.</p> + + <p>The operator clicks off, baffled.</p> + + <p>"That list of men for a bombing course," says Division.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," I reply brightly, though my heart sinks.</p> + + <p>"You ought to have sent it in at 6 P.M.," says Division. + "And it has not yet arrived."</p> + + <p>I look at my wrist-watch, but realise too late that this + graceful gesture is lost on him. "I am sorry, Sir," I reply + with dignity, "but the delay was inevitable. It shall be with + you on the breakfast-table. The difficulty of communication in + this great War ..."</p> + + <p>Division laughs sardonically.</p> + + <p>At ten minutes past twelve I go to bed again, and at + twelve-fifteen an orderly shines an electric torch in my eyes + in order to prevent my reading a wire which he hands me. It + says, "Ref. your S.C. 1985 please ask PIG if they have salvaged + any German socks. A.A.A. urgent."</p> + + <p>I stand up, and the orderly, completely unnerved by the + sight of a Staff Captain in undress uniform, releases the + button of his torch and retires under cover of darkness.</p> + + <p>I twirl the handle of the telephone and listen. There is + silence. I turn it again with vigour. For twenty minutes I + behave like an organ-grinder. Towards dawn the bell rings and I + receive an electric shock.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" says the operator.</p> + + <p>I tell him what I think of him. When I have finished the sun + is up and the first aeroplane is dropping its glad bombs on the + dewy earth below.</p> + + <p>I demand PIG. PIG is a Machine Gun Company. By + breakfast-time I have discovered that PIG has salvaged socks, + German, one.</p> + + <p>I ring up Division ...</p> + + <p>It is a splendid force, as they used to say in <i>The + Message from Mars</i>—it is a splendid force, the Signal + Service.</p> + + <p>And men sleeping among the rats in the front line wake for + their coffee and hot water and envy me my undisturbed + nights.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>New Tenant</i> (<i>digging up lawn and waste ground, + to agent</i>). "CAN YOU INFORM ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE MAN + WHO OWNED THIS PLACE BEFORE ME?"</p> + + <p><i>House Agent</i>. "ER—HE'S IN FRANCE."</p> + + <p><i>Tenant</i>. "UM. WELL, I HOPE HE COMES BACK. + SAFELY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Vienna <i>Die Zeit</i> considers the political + crisis in Germany as one of the chief consequences of the + political utterances of English, American and French + statesmen, demanding the demoralisation of + Germany."—<i>Sunday Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It seems superfluous.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is authoritatively announced that the American + troops fighting in France will very shortly receive steel + helmets, the design of the helmets being very similar to + those worn by the French and British forces, but bearing, + as insignia, the United States coat of + mail."—<i>Daily Graphic</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Head-protection is very necessary, but isn't this rather + overdoing it?</p> +<br /> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11704 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11704-h/images/49.png b/11704-h/images/49.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1431341 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/49.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/51.png b/11704-h/images/51.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0e9da96 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/51.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/52.png b/11704-h/images/52.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..37dd536 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/52.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/53.png b/11704-h/images/53.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea11eff --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/53.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/55.png b/11704-h/images/55.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cb9e448 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/55.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/56.png b/11704-h/images/56.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7306d29 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/56.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/57.png b/11704-h/images/57.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..11c0514 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/57.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/58-1.png b/11704-h/images/58-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..082cb6e --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/58-1.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/58-2.png b/11704-h/images/58-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..01e6e41 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/58-2.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/59.png b/11704-h/images/59.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8730e2d --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/59.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/60.png b/11704-h/images/60.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..296093f --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/60.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/61.png b/11704-h/images/61.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f95e69 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/61.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/63.png b/11704-h/images/63.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7660e89 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/63.png diff --git a/11704-h/images/64.png b/11704-h/images/64.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..870eca2 --- /dev/null +++ b/11704-h/images/64.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0f76ef8 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11704 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11704) diff --git a/old/11704-8.txt b/old/11704-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ccc37f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11704-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2084 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +July 25, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, July 25, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 24, 2004 [eBook #11704] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, JULY 25, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11704-h.htm or 11704-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/0/11704/11704-h/11704-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/0/11704/11704-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +JULY 25, 1917 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Not one of the morning papers advocated the appointment of Sir Eric +Geddes to be First Lord of the Admiralty. A big scoop this for the +Government. + + *** + +A shortage of paper yarns is reported from Germany. The coarser +varieties have apparently all been monopolised by the Imperial +Government. + + *** + +A foolish rumour is going the rounds to the effect that a music-hall +comedian has confessed that he has never made a joke about the Mess in +Mesopotamia. It is feared that the recent hot weather has affected the +poor fellow. + + *** + +In the absence of the sea-serpent this year a tope weighing +thirty-nine pounds has been captured at Hastings. The fisherman who +caught it declares that if he had known it was a tope at the time he +would not have been in such a hurry to sign the pledge. + + *** + +The Food-Controller is calling for strict economy in the use of ice. +It is not generally known that after it has been warmed a little in +front of the fire the stuff will keep almost indefinitely. + + *** + +The order prohibiting the use of enemy languages over the telephone +is said to be causing some inconvenience. Several persons intercepted +by the operator in the course of a guttural conversation have been +subsequently shown to have been talking Swiss. + + *** + +A Pittsburg inventor is reported by Mr. MARCONI to have discovered a +method of bottling light. If he can bottle anything lighter than the +new Government ale his claim to be a wizard is established. + + *** + +A safe weighing three hundredweight has been stolen from a branch post +office in the Gray's Inn Road. It is believed that in the excitement +caused by an air-raid alarm it was snatched up by a customer who +mistook it for his hat. + + *** + +A man applied at Willesden Police Court recently for advice as to what +he should do with a loaf of War bread which was uneatable, as he dared +not destroy it and could not eat it. His only objection to keeping +it as a pet was a fear that it would never become really fond of +children, although it might in time prove a good house-guard with +which to ward off burglars. + + *** + +At the Birmingham Assizes a man has been sent to prison for publishing +a pamphlet entitled "Questions for Parsons." He now contemplates a new +pamphlet entitled "Back Answers to the Bench." + + *** + +Owing to the fact that the political situation is not quite clear in +Germany the Reichstag has been adjourned. It is expected also that an +attempt will be made to adjourn the War. + + *** + +A writer in _English Mechanics_ declares that a cornet played near +caterpillars will cause them to drop to the ground and die. We +understand that the R.S.P.C.A. plead with allotment-holders to destroy +these pests by a less gruesome method. + + *** + +A motor lorry laden with petrol dashed into the front of a house at +Hazelgrove when the family was not at home. It is only fair to say +that the driver did not know they were out. + + *** + +The Barcelona-to-Bilbao motor race has been postponed owing to strikes +in Spain. A few sharp lessons like this will, we feel certain, have +the effect of discouraging the habit of striking. + + *** + +Some men, said a man before the Swindon Guardians, take up angling in +order to go into the country to enjoy a smoke. It is not known why the +others do it. + + *** + +The Board of Agriculture point out that there is an abundant supply +of kippers on the market at reasonable prices. This will come as a +great boon to music-hall audiences, who find that the kippers used +by comedians are getting rather frayed at the edges through constant +wear. + + *** + +"Bad language is used at Billingsgate not so much by the porters as by +the buyers," said a witness at a City inquest last week. A purchaser +at this market declares that the language is often provoked by the +fish. Only last week he had a heated argument with a very talkative +haddock. + + *** + +England has lost first place in Germany, for America is said to be +the most hated country now. The morning hate of the German family with +ragtime obbligato must be a terrible thing. + + *** + +"The National Service Department," said Mr. Beck in the House of +Commons, "is desirous of remaining where it is." If we are to believe +all we read it will take a great deal to move this department. + + *** + +"Cod liver oil," says a weekly paper, "is the secret of health." Smith +minor sincerely regrets that our contemporary has not kept the secret. + + *** + +The _Vossische Zeitung_, referring to the appointment of Dr. +Michaelis, says "there is no chance of his clubbing together with the +big industrialists and misguided agitators." So long however as they +are clubbed separately we shall not grumble. + + *** + +Waste-paper in Westminster, it is stated, has gone up from £2 10s. to +£7 a ton. Why, it is asked, cannot the Government come to the rescue +and publish the full reports of the Dardanelles and Mesopotamia +Commissions? + + *** + +Boxes of matches with jokes on them, we are told, are now on sale. +Several correspondents who were charged twopence for a box complain +that they are unable to see the joke. + + *** + +An Irish newspaper, _The Kilkenny People_, has been suppressed for +seditious utterances. People are wondering what it can possibly have +said. + + *** + +There will be no flag-day on August 26th. + + *** + +A girl clerk in a Surrey bank has explained a shortage of a half-penny +in her postage-stamps by admitting that she swallowed one. It is +thought that the extremely low price tempted her. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Hand_. "Flies seem pretty awful out here, +Corporal." + +_Hardened Campaigner_. "Wot flies?"] + + * * * * * + +ON VIMY RIDGE. + +_TO B.S.B., JULY 11TH_. + + On Vimy Ridge I sit at rest + With Loos and Lens outspread below; + An A.D.C.--the very best-- + Expounds the panoramic show; + Lightly I lunch, and never yet + Has quite so strong an orchestration + Supplied the music while I ate + My cold collation. + + Past Avion through the red-roofed town + There at our feet our white line runs; + Fresnoy's defences, smoking brown, + Shudder beneath our shattering guns; + Pop-pop!--and Archie's puffs have blurred + Some craft engaged to search the Bosch out-- + I hold my breath until the bird + Signals a wash-out. + + Scarce I believe the vision real, + That here for life and death they fight; + A "Theatre of War," I feel, + Has set its stage for my delight, + Who occupy, exempt from toll, + This auditorium, green and tufty, + Guest of the Management and sole + Object in mufti. + + And now along the fretted ground + Where Canada's "BYNG Boys" stormed their way, + I go conducted on the round + That GEORGE OF WINDSOR did to-day; + Immune he trod that zone of lead, + And how should I, who just write verses, + Hope to attract to my poor head + Their "Perishing Percies"? + + Bapaume had nearly been my tomb; + And greatly flattered I should be + If I could honestly assume + The beastly shell was meant for me; + But though my modesty would shun + To think this thought (or even say it), + I feel I owe the KAISER one + And hope to pay it. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO CURE THE BOSCH. + +"Yes, I seen a good bit o' the Bosch, one way and another, before he +got me in the leg," said Corporal Digweed. "Eighteen months I had +with 'im spiteful, and four months with 'im tame. Meaning by that four +months guarding German prisoners." + +"And what do you think of him at the end of it?" I asked. + +Digweed leant back with a heavily judicial air. + +"Some o' these Peace blighters seem to think he's a little angel, +basin' their opinion, I suppose, on something I must 'a' missed during +my time out. On the other hand there's a tidy few thinks that one +German left will spoil the earth. Now me, I holds they're both wrong. +The second's nearer than what the first is, I don't deny. But a +incident what occurred in that Prisoners' Camp set me thinking that +you might make something o' Fritz yet, if you only had the time and +the patience. + +"We had a batch of prisoners come in what I saw at once was +a different brand to the usual. There wasn't that--well, that +distressin' lack o' humility that you mostly finds showin' itself +after we've had them a week or two. There seemed about 'em almost a +sort o' willingness to learn that put 'em in a class by themselves. +I sez to the interpreter, 'There's something odd about that lot. You +find out what it is;' which he does. And what do you think it was? +_They was convicts_. All men in for a long term, what had served five +years and more o' their sentences and was let out to fight. + +"It seemed to me at first the rummiest thing that ever I see. But I've +thought it over and thought it over, and now it's as clear as day. +When the Bosch is kept in a watertight compartment for a bit, he +gets back to being more or less of a human being. His whole trouble's +really through being surrounded by other Bosches. They get tellin' +each other what a great nation they are, and how they was born to +inherit the earth, and that it's only forestalling nature a bit to go +and take it now, and so on--each going one better than the last. They +keep on contaminatin' one another till what do you get? Why, me and +you spending our old age a-teaching of 'em humility. + +"Now, with these 'ere convicts it was another story. 'Stead o' keep +talkin' about German culture and what rotters all the rest o' the +world was, their heads had plenty o' time to cool while they picked +their oakum or what not--resultin' in quite a fairly decent lot o' +men, as I say. Yes, it's very interesting and instructive. I believe +it's the solution of the question, 'How to cure the Bosch,' I do. If +you could keep 'em all apart from each other for five years you'd find +they'd be quite different. I daresay they wouldn't mind it so much +either." + +"If I was a Bosch I should be thankful," I said. "But wouldn't there +be difficulties about this segregation?" + +Digweed waved them aside. + +"There's always difficulties," he said. "But you mark my words, that's +the thing to do. It would help it along, too, to give 'em the right +sort of books and papers to read. Why, if you worked the thing +properly, they might mostly be cured in two years or two and a half." + +I shook my head. "There are some you'll never cure," I said. + +"There'd be stubborn cases, I won't deny. And a few incurables, as +you say. But the first thing to do is to advertise the idea. You make +a speech about it, Sir. When you're proposing a vote of thanks to +a Duchess for openin' a bazaar, you bring it up. I've heard people +before now take that kind of opportunity to bring something forward +what they'd got on their chest." + +"I'm not likely to get a chance like that," I said; "but I'll see if I +can write an article about it." + +Whether Digweed will consider the article worthy of the subject I +cannot say. Perhaps the Editor of _Punch_ is less fastidious. + + * * * * * + +FOR OUR SAILORS. + +The current week is "Navy Week," and Mr. Punch begs to urge his kind +friends to take their part in the great organised effort to raise a +large sum for the benefit of our sailors and their families--R.N., +R.N.R., R.N.V.R., trawlers and mine-sweepers. The nation owes them +all a debt that can never be paid. The fund is to be administered on +the lines of King Edward's Hospital Fund. An All-American matinée +will be given in this good cause at the Victoria Palace on Thursday, +July 26th, and _Trelawny of the Wells_ (with Miss IRENE VANBRUGH) at +the New Theatre on Friday. Gifts for the fund may be addressed to +Commodore Sir RICHARD WILLIAMS-BULKELEY, Bt., at the offices of "Navy +Week," 5, Green Street, Leicester Square, W.C. 2. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_to cadet_). "SIT BACK, SIR! SIT BACK! +THINK WOT A BLINKIN' FOOL YOU'D LOOK IF 'IS 'EAD WAS TO COME ORF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXIII. + +My dear Charles,--I never meant to give myself away; I meant to go +on talking about the old War till the end, just as if I was taking a +leading part in it, so that you should have still believed I was doing +the bull-dog business with the best of them. But no, let me be honest +and tell you that I have practically ceased to be a dog. The only +painful connection I can boast of recently with the War is that, +having cause to travel from place to place in this country, I was +unhappy enough to strike six meatless days in succession, which gave +me to think that even embusquing in France has its drawbacks. On +the seventh day I was accused, by good people who know not Thomas, +of being (1) a Russian, (2) an American, (3) a Belgian, and (4) an +Irishman, which made me feel that these gaudy colours I have burst +into are not so famous as I supposed; and on the eighth day I find +myself insulted in twenty-seven places by an angry mosquito, whom in +the small hours of the morning I had occasion to rap over the knuckles +and turn out of my billet. And I've got a nasty cold, and nobody loves +me or cleans my buttons, and if I want to go anywhere there are no +more motor cars and they make me pay a penny for the tram, and my wife +doesn't think I'm a hero any longer, and little James is being taught +to blush and look away and start another subject when anybody says +"Dad-dad," and (if you can believe this) I've just been made to pay a +franc-and-a-half for a tin of bully beef. + +But you don't sympathise, not a bit of it; why should you? I +shouldn't if I were in your place. I should just cut off the supply +of cigarettes and shaving-soap, stop wishing me good luck, and, with +haughty contempt, say, "Call yourself a soldier!" Nevertheless, my +friend, whatever I may _be_, I _look_ extraordinarily magnificent, so +much so that a short-sighted Major has taken his pipe out of his mouth +as I have drawn near and has as good as saluted me. When he saw I was +only a Captain (and a temporary Captain at that) he tried to cover his +mistake; but he didn't deceive me; he didn't need to take his pipe out +of his mouth in order to scratch his head, did he? + +There is this to be said about being at war, you never know what is +going to happen to you next. For the most part this is just as well. +There is, however, a decent percentage of pleasant surprises, which +is, I suppose, the only thing that makes the business tolerable. No +orderly ever came up to the trenches, when I was in them, but he +gave rise to the hope that he had orders for me to come out at once +and command in chief. Some such orderly did arrive at last, but the +instructions he gave me said nothing about taking over the B.E.F. +Nevertheless orders were orders and I obeyed them and came out. Having +a private conversation with Fortune on the way down the communication +trench, I thanked her very sincerely for her kindness and said I was +so grateful that I would never ask her for anything else. + +But you know human nature as well as I do; I soon found myself saying +what a hard life it was in an office, and how one missed the open-air +life one had with one's regiment and the healthy appetite it gave +one. Besides which, as I pointed out to Fortune, my solid worth wasn't +being recognised as it should be. "I don't ask for favours," I told +her. "All I ask is bare justice." Now, if I'd been Fortune, Charles, +and a man had spoken to me like that, after all I'd done for him, I'd +have had him marching up that communication trench again, with a full +pack, at five o'clock in the very next forenoon. + +But Fortune, ever kind and forgiving, did no such thing. She +did remonstrate with me gently of nights, when the noise of the +bombardments was particularly fierce and prolonged. "What about those +poor fellows right up in front," she said, "who are sitting out in +the wind and the rain and going through _that_?" "Yes," said I, +"what about them? Can't you do something for them? Do you know that +this is their fourth night of it in succession, and the only bit of +change you've been able to give them was sleet instead of rain on the +Sunday?" That used to put Fortune in the cart, and she'd try and work +the conversation round to my own case again. But what with the wind +and the noise and the downpour and the mud, I was too hot on the +other subject, and I said that Fortune ought to be ashamed of herself, +carrying on like that; and it was a disgraceful war and the police +ought to stop it, and I'd a very good mind to write to the papers +about it. + +Then the next day would be fine and dry and warm, and it would be +early closing for the Bosch artillery, and the infantry would go +marching past my office window, whistling and singing and behaving as +if the whole thing was a jolly old picnic; and who'd be an inkslinger +in such weather? And Fortune, modestly intruding, would say to me +casually, "I think I've arranged that rather well, don't you?" + +"Ah, you've arranged something at last, have you?" I'd say, assuming +that she must be thinking about me, and I'd open my official envelopes +with an unusual interest, feeling practically sure that one of them +must contain immediate orders for me--the one and only me--to proceed +forthwith to England and reorganise the War Office, taking over a +couple of six-cylinder cars and a furnished flat in St. James's for +the purpose. + +Poor old Fortune! what could she say next? She'd look at me, more in +sorrow than in anger, and murmur, "Aren't you forgetting that this is +a war and you are supposed to be fighting it?" Did I blush for shame? +Not I. As bold as brass I'd look old Fortune straight in the face +and, with righteous indignation, would say, "I know as well as you do, +Ma'am, that it is a war; but there's no reason why it shouldn't be a +_just_ war." Thinking it out I have never been quite able to see what +I meant by that, as applied to my own case. However, I seem to have +said the right thing, and it appears to have impressed Fortune very +considerably, because--well, Charles, here I am. + +Yet if there is justice in this world (and I subsist on the confident +hope and belief that there is not) I know what the end of it must be. +That confounded orderly, turned traitor, will one day search me out, +however far I may have wandered from the battlefield meanwhile, and, +saluting ironically, will hand me an envelope marked "Urgent, secret, +confidential, personal, private." The contents will be a piece of news +and some orders, and all that Fortune will have had to do with it +will be to attach a forwarding slip, "Passed to you, please, for your +information and necessary action." The news will be that for everyone +else the War is over, and the infantry and the rest of them will take +over forthwith my present circumstances, being free to revel in the +trams and the mosquitoes and the nasty colds to their hearts' delight. +The orders will be that for me the War is about to begin again in +grim earnest, and that to-morrow at dawn I take over and defend +till further notice, and against all the most noisy and loathsome +inventions that man can devise, that sector of the trenches which +extends from the Swiss frontier to the sea. + +When that day comes I shall be too busy (taking cover) to have leisure +to write to you. Meanwhile I shall still be in touch with life from +time to time and will pass on to you such scraps as come my way. Yours +ever, Henry. + + * * * * * + + "The India Office goes to Mr. Montagu."--_The Star._ + +Mahomet had to go to the Mountain, but Mr. Montagu is more fortunate. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bill_. "I dessay some women can do men's work. But +they'll never git men's wages." + +_Joe_ (_much married_). "Wotchermean--_never?_ They always 'ave!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR MIGHTY PENMEN. + +BY A LITERARY EXPERT. + +The House of Boffin announces a revised edition of Mr. Elbert Pitts's +_Final Words on Religion_, under the title of _Antepenultimate +Words on Religion_. As Mr. Pitts observes in his arresting Preface, +"Finality, in a time of upheaval, is a relative term, and I hope, +at intervals of six months or so, to publish my penultimate, +quasi-ultimate and paulo-post-ultimate views on the vital beliefs +which underlie the fantastic superstructure of dogmatic theology." +The new work will be illustrated with three portraits of the author +by Mr. Marcellus Thom, taken at various stages of the composition of +the work. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Pitts has also completed a new novel entitled _The Bounder of +Genius_, and has kindly furnished us with a brief outline of its +contents. The hero, who starts life as an artificial raspberry-pip +maker and amasses a colossal fortune in the Argentine grain trade, +marries a poor seamstress in his struggling days, but deserts her +for a brilliant variety actress, who is in turn deposed by (1) the +daughter of a dean, (2) the daughter of an earl, and (3) the daughter +of a duke. Ultimately Jasper Dando, for that is his name, leads a +crusade to Patagonia, where he establishes a new republic founded on +Eugenics, China tea, and the Prohibition of the Classics. Mr. Pitts +thinks it the finest thing he has done, and he is fortified in this +conviction by the opinion of Mr. Stoot, the principal reader of the +House of Boffin. + + * * * * * + +We are glad to hear that Mr. Hanley Potter will shortly issue, through +the firm of Bloomer and Guppy, a selection from the reviews, notices +and essays contributed by him to _The Slagville Gazette_. "They are +interesting," says the author, "as the expression of a fresh and +unbiassed mind, unfettered by any respect for established reputations +or orthodox standards." The titles of some of the articles--"The +Dulness of Dante," "The Sloppiness of Scott," "George Eliot as +Pedant," "Jane Austen the Prude"--indicate sufficiently the richness +of the treat provided in these stimulating pages. + + * * * * * + +The Centenary of JANE AUSTEN is to be celebrated in a thoroughly +practical manner by the House of Hussell. It will be remembered +that, some thirty years ago, an effort was made to revive the waning +popularity of SIR WALTER SCOTT by the issue of a series of condensed +versions of his novels, in which redundant passages, notes and +introductions were removed and the salient features were compressed in +a compact and animated narrative. In order to render justice to JANE +AUSTEN the process needed is diametrically opposite. JANE AUSTEN'S +novels are short and singularly lacking in picturesqueness, emotion, +colour. Mr. Hamo Bletherley, who has been entrusted with the task +of infusing these elements into JANE AUSTEN'S staid and reticent +romances, points out that her vocabulary was extraordinarily limited. +Her abstinence from decorative epithets led to results that are bald +and unconvincing. One may look in vain in her pages for such words +as "arresting," "vital," "momentous" or "sinister." She never uses +"glimpse," "sense" or "voice" as verbs. We look forward with eager +anticipation to the results of Mr. Bletherley's courageous experiment. + + * * * * * + +In this connection we cannot too heartily congratulate Mr. Jerome +Longmore, the well-known bookman and literary curio-collector, on his +latest stroke of good luck. It appears that in a recent pilgrimage +to Selborne he met the only surviving great-granddaughter of Sarah +Timmins (charwoman at Chawton in the years 1810 to 1815), and +purchased from her a pair of bedroom slippers, a pink flannel +dressing-gown and a boa which had belonged to the great novelist. A +full description of these priceless relics will shortly appear in +_The Penman_, together with a life and portrait of Sarah Timmins, who +married a pork butcher in Liphook and died in 1848. One of her letters +establishes the interesting fact that JANE AUSTEN never ate sausages. + + * * * * * + +We may add that Mr. Longmore is not one of those miserly collectors +who brood over their treasures and deny the sight of them to others. +On the contrary he takes the keenest pleasure in showing them to +his friends, and at the present time is holding a series of informal +receptions at his charming villa at Potter's Bar, at which, robed +in JANE AUSTEN'S dressing-gown, wearing her boa and shod in her +slippers, he presents a truly romantic and distinguished spectacle. +We understand that the Potter's Bar authorities are favourably +considering the proposal that warnings of air raids in that locality +should be given by the appearance in public of Mr. Longmore in this +striking dress. + + * * * * * + + "... Mr. Lloyd George, on whom, by devious paths, has + descended the mantle of Lord Rosebery."--_Daily Express._ + +Including the PRIMROSE path, we presume. + + * * * * * + +PETHERTON'S PEDIGREE. + +A stroke of luck enabled me to open an interesting little +correspondence with my genial neighbour, Petherton, which resulted in +one of those delightful passages-of-arms in which Petherton, at least, +excels. + + DEAR MR. PETHERTON (I began),--I have made a discovery which + will, I am sure, interest you, though I am uncertain whether + it will be as pleasing to you as to myself. + + During certain research work at the Record Office I came + across incontrovertible evidence that we are in some + way related through a Petherton in the early part of the + eighteenth century (_tempus_ GEORGE II.) being sufficiently + far-seeing to contract a marriage with a Fordyce. This + Petherton, by name Edward, lived at Kirkby Lonsdale, and his + wife, Emily Jane Fordyce, at Dent, in the same district. + + I haven't a family tree by me, but know the late-lamented + Emily Jane by name. She was part of the issue of one Henry + Fordyce, who is in the direct line, absolutely non-stop, + without changing, from the earliest known Fordyce to myself. + + What a field for speculation is here opened up! With your + scientific bent you will grasp the possibilities of the + hereditary influence of my family on yours, supposing Edward + Petherton to be a direct ancestor of your own. To me the + unexpected result of my researches will give an added interest + to our correspondence, and I await with eagerness your views + as to the value and interest of my discovery. + + Your kinsman, + + HENRY J. FORDYCE. + +Petherton cried "Touché" at once, and lunged at me in accordance with +my plan of campaign. + + SIR (he spluttered),--As a very busy man I must protest + against your attempt to distract my attention by writing to me + on a matter that is of no importance. That your discovery is + of a somewhat disconcerting nature I will not deny, but that + it is of any particular value or interest to me is hardly to + be expected, seeing that it relates to a by-gone century, and + any defects acquired by the Pethertons from such a union will, + I imagine, have been overcome by now. + + The Fordyces were apparently a more attractive race in the + eighteenth than in the twentieth century. I can scarcely + imagine a present-day Petherton contracting such a + _mésalliance_. + + A direct ancestor of mine, Edward Petherton, as I see by the + Family Bible in my possession, was born in 1699, married in + 1728, and lived at Kirkby Lonsdale. His wife's name is not + stated, but I can the more readily believe that he is the + misguided individual to whom you refer, as he died in 1729, no + doubt as the result of his rash act. His son, Primus Postumus + Petherton, born, as his second name suggests, after his + father's death, carried on the line. Any possible virtues or + talents my family may possess are not, I am certain, from the + distaff side of this union. + + Yours faithfully, + + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I made a thrust in tierce:-- + + DEAR COUSIN FRED,--What a mine of information you are! I touch + a spring and out comes Primus Postumus Petherton. The name + conjures up visions of grey church towers, monumental urns + and the eulogies in verse beloved of Georgian poets. I wonder + whether Possy was a great letter-writer and kept poultry. + By the way, what a lot of good things begin with a "P," and, + talking of poultry, I notice yours are laying, or should be. + They are certainly in full song these mornings. + + I'm so glad that you're so glad that I'm a relation. When I + was at the Record Office again yesterday I searched for more + information about my new-found relatives. In fact I dug up + the Petherton allotment thoroughly and unearthed Priscilla + and Anne, both of CHARLES I.'s time, and Marmaduke of the + Restoration. + + I couldn't exhume a complete family tree, or no doubt I should + have found all these worthies hanging on their respective + branches, though Marmaduke might have dropped off, as he + appears to have been a bit over-ripe from what I could gather + from the records. + + How are the Food Regulations suiting you? Judging from your + last letter I'm afraid you are not taking enough starch. + Of course I know it's gone up fearfully in price lately. + Personally I've taken to wearing soft collars. + + Your affectionate Cousin, H.F. + + Aren't you pleased that potatoes have come in again? (Another + good thing beginning with a P.) + +Petherton ground his teeth for a last bout, and bade me come on. + + SIR (he wrote),--I'm glad you've taken to soft collars. They + will suit your soft head. As for food, I'm afraid you're not + taking enough arsenic. A slight touch of relationship to my + family has evidently turned your brain. I cannot say how + sorry I am that you should have discovered the one flaw in + my pedigree. + + Yours faithfully, + + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I gave him one last little tweak under the ribs:-- + + DEAR OLD BOY,--Just a hurried line to say that all is forgiven + and forgotten. The family feud (there must have been one, I'm + certain) which has kept the Pethertons and the Fordyces apart + for the last couple of centuries is a thing of the past, now + that we two understand each other so thoroughly. I am only + sorry I did not discover the strawberry mark on your left arm + earlier, that I might the sooner have subscribed myself. + + Your long lost HARRY. + +This either disarmed him or he threw away his weapon in disgust. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _British Tar_ (_confidentially to lady friend_). "SHE'S +SUNK ALL RIGHT."] + + * * * * * + + "Other houses have a good many books which have come down + from posterity, mostly in odd volumes."--_"Claudius Clear" + in "The British Weekly."_ + +Some of those that we bequeath to our ancestors will be quite as odd. + + * * * * * + +It is rumoured that during the period of food-control a well-known +Soho restaurant intends to change its name to the "Rhondda-vous." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Busy City-man to his Partner_ (_as one of the new +air-raid warnings gets to work_). "IF YOU'LL LEAVE ME IN HERE FOR THE +WARNINGS I'LL CARRY ON WHILE YOU TAKE SHELTER DURING THE RAIDS."] + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE THINGS. + + I used to be a peaceful chap as didn't ask for trouble, + An' as for rows an' fightin', why, I'd mostly rather not, + But now I'd charge an army single-'anded at the double, + An' it's all along o' little things I've learned to feel so 'ot. + + It's 'orrid seein' burnin' farms, which I 'ave often seen 'ere, + An' fields all stinks an' shell-'oles, an' the dead among the flowers, + But the thing I've 'ated seein' all the bloomin' time I've been 'ere + Is the little gardens rooted up--the same as might be ours + + It's bad to see the chattos--which means castles--gone to ruins, + And big cathedrals knocked to bits as used to look that fine, + But what puts me in a paddy more than all them sort o' doin's + Is the little 'ouses all in 'eaps--the same as might be mine. + + An' when the what's-it line is bust an' we go rompin' through it, + An' knock the lid off Potsdam an' the KAYSER off 'is throne, + Why, what'll get our monkey up an' give us 'eart to do it? + Just thinkin' o' them little things as might 'ave been our own + (An' most of all the little kids as might 'ave been our own)! + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +GOIN' BACK. + + I'm goin' back to Blighty and a free-an' easy life, + But I grant it ain't the Blighty of me pals: + They takes the Tube to Putney, to the kiddies and the wife, + Or takes the air on 'Ampstead with their gals; + My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway, + With the sweet gorse smellin' in the sun; + And the 'eather 'ot and dry, where a tired man may lie + When the long day's done. + + There's picture-'alls in 'Ammersmith to suit them mates o' mine; + There's beer and 'addock suppers and cigars; + But I guess I'd sooner slog it where there's jest the scent o' pine + And over'ead an 'eap o' little stars; + The lights o' Charin' Cross and Piccadilly, + I'd swop 'em for the silver of the streams, + When the summer moon is lit and the bats begin to flit + And the dark earth dreams. + + I'm goin' back to Blighty, to the little lonesome lanes, + The dog-rose and the foxglove and the ferns, + The sleepy country 'orses and the jolty country wains + And the kindly faces every way you turns; + My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway, + With the sweet gorse smellin' in the sun; + And the 'eather good and deep where a tired man may sleep + When the long day's done. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LONG LIVE THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR!] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 16th_.--In the course of a discussion on "rope" +in War-bread Mr. THORNE accused the West-End bakeries of mixing +white flour with the "G.R." variety, and so supplying their +wealthy customers with better bread than is procurable by his own +constituents. Although no official confirmation of this charge was +forthcoming Mr. THORNE appeared to be convinced of its accuracy. In +his opinion the Government, following the historic example of PHARAOH, +should give the bread to the people and the rope to the bakers. + +It might not be accurate to say that in the matter of beer the +Irishman wants but little here below, but he certainly wants that +little strong; and being, in spite of a popular impression to the +contrary, a seriously-minded person, he resents any reduction of his +gravity. Mr. BRIDGEMAN'S gentle reminder that no Irish brewer need +avail himself of the new regulations unless he pleases quite failed +to satisfy the Nationalists that a new item had not been added to +Ireland's catalogue of grievances. + +_Tuesday, July 17th_.--For some weeks Mr. GINNELL has been absent from +his place. No one has gone so far as to suggest that the Roll of the +House should be called in order to bring back the hon. Member to his +Parliamentary duties. But considerable curiosity was aroused by his +recent statement that he proposed to make one more appearance at +Westminster before retiring permanently to Ireland to watch over +the growth of the Sinn Fein Republic. To-day was the day. Question +45, "Mr. Ginnell, to ask the Prime Minister, &c., &c.," was eagerly +awaited. There was no saying that the hon. Member, if dissatisfied +with the reply, would not hurl the Mace at the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER, so as to ensure a properly dramatic exit. At last No. 45 +was reached; but Mr. GINNELL was not there to put it. Once more the +Saxon intellect had been too slow to keep up with the swift processes +of the Celtic cerebellum. Mr. GINNELL has on more than one occasion +made what his compatriots call a "holy show" of himself; but he +refuses to do this sort of thing to order. + +[Illustration: THE EMPTY SEAT. + +MR. PUNCH DROPS A SILENT TEAR AT THE DEPARTURE OF ONE OF HIS BEST +PUPPETS.] + +Mr. HOUSTON is still harping upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S +recent confession of his ship-owning gains, and laboured hard this +afternoon to convince the Committee that shipowners in general were +in no sense profiteers. He failed, however, to avert the wrath of +Mr. DENNISS, who declared that if, after what had been revealed, any +shipowner was made a peer, he should move to abolish the peerage. + +This day the KING in Council decreed that the Royal House should +forthwith abandon all German titles and be known henceforth as +the House of Windsor. No one will be better pleased than Mr. SWIFT +MACNEILL, who for months past has been unsparing in his efforts +to purge the Upper House of enemy peers, and to-night had the +satisfaction of seeing a Bill for that purpose read a second time. His +prophecy that such a measure could be passed in three minutes was not +quite borne out; but that was chiefly because the hon. Member himself +occupied a quarter-of-an-hour in complaining of the Government's delay +in introducing it. + +_Wednesday, July 18th_.--Sir HENRY DALZIEL has been labouring under +the delusion that the R.N.A.S. and the R.F.C. are so mortally afraid +of trespassing upon one another's aerial preserves that the former +will not attack an enemy plane travelling over land, or the latter +over sea. Dr. MACNAMARA for the Navy, and Mr. MACPHERSON for the Army, +informed him that there was no truth in the suggestion; but Colonel +CLAUDE LOWTHER, remembering that there were once Two Macs who +delighted in spoofing their audiences, refused to be comforted until +categorically assured that between R.N.A.S. and R.F.C. there is +"sufficient cohesion." + +[Illustration: LORD HARDINGE'S CHAMPION. + +MR. BALFOUR LETS OUT.] + +This was BALFOUR's day. Never since he gave up the Leadership of the +Unionist Party six years ago has he more completely dominated the +scene. Mr. BONAR LAW had announced that the Government had on third +thoughts decided not to set up a new tribunal to try the persons +affected by the Mesopotamia Report. The military officers would be +dealt with by the Army Council. As for Lord HARDINGE, the Government, +"on the representations of the FOREIGN SECRETARY," had again refused +his proffered resignation. If any Members disapproved, let them +propose a Vote of Censure or move the adjournment. + +It was perhaps fortunate for the Government that Mr. DILLON accepted +the challenge. During the War the Member for East Mayo has lost such +authority in the House as he once possessed. Criticism on the conduct +of the campaign from one who boasts that he has never stood upon a +recruiting platform lacks sincerity. Mr. BALFOUR, always at his best +when defending a friend, laid about him lustily, and convinced the +majority of the House, not very friendly at the outset, that it would +be an act of gross injustice to remove a great public servant because +the Commission--on whose evidence, without further inquiry, you could +not hang a cat--had reported adversely on his conduct in an entirely +different capacity. + +To add to the force of this appeal came Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S striking +testimonial--"I have known Lord Hardinge from a boy." After that, +small wonder that the House rejected Mr. Dillon's motion by 176 to 81. + +_Thursday, July 19th._--The only thing that keeps Mr. Reddy at +Westminster is his delight in acting as Chorus to Major Pretyman +Newman. Whenever the hon. and gallant Member asks a question Mr. +Reddy, in a piping voice of remarkable carrying power, immediately +puts another, designed to throw doubt upon his personal prowess or +his military capacity. Major Newman had several Questions on the Paper +this afternoon, and, as he had just announced the withdrawal of his +valuable support from a Government so lost to all sense of propriety +as to welcome Messrs. Churchill and Montagu to its fold, Mr. Reddy's +comments were awaited with pleasurable anticipation. + +Alas! for once he was not in his place. Even when Major Newman +elicited the damning information that some members of the Dublin +Metropolitan Police occasionally employ a German barber there was +no penetrating voice from the back benches to ask, "Why doesn't the +honourable Mimber go and shave them himself?" + +Mr. Jowett wants the Home Secretary to withdraw the permission he gave +some time ago "to employ women on the night-turn in wool-combing." +Several much-married Members are afraid that whatever he may decide +the objectionable practice will continue. + + * * * * * + +SCOTLAND FOR EVER. + + They came from untamable highlands, + From glens where their fathers were free, + From misty and mountainous islands + Set fast in the throat of the sea; + They fought for the honour of Britain; + They died in defence of the right; + Their deeds are in history written + In letters of light. + + They fell where the Ganges is flowing; + They lie 'neath the Russian Redan; + Their dust o'er the desert is blowing + In the whirlwinds of far Kordofan; + The sons of Glen Orchy and Rannoch + Sleep sound by the slow-moving Scheldt, + And the bones of the men of Loch Fannich + Are white on the veldt. + + But the Lows and Lochmaben and Gairloch + Still march to the battle array, + And the fighters from many a fair loch, + Like their fathers, leap forth to the fray; + Red flame tears the darkness asunder + Where the curtain of battle is drawn, + Where the clansmen through death-cloud and thunder + Go over at dawn. + + In the strength of the hills and the heather, + With the salt of the sea in their blood, + They sweep from the trenches together + With the force of an onrushing flood; + Like the billows that beat upon Moidart + When gales from the Hobrides blow, + Like a storm on the mountains of Knoidart + They burst on the foe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hairdresser_ (_with a view to business--to customer, +who is getting rapidly bald_). "There are plenty of hairdressers, you +know, Sir, who profess to make a wig; but, when you've got it on, it +looks nothing like a wig at all, Sir."] + + * * * * * + +A film-drama:-- + + "It is the story of the poor orphan daughter of a South + American aristocrat. She has become enamoured of a tradesman's + son, but misapprehension having arisen, she becomes engaged + to a man who apparently is well endowed with this world's + foods."--_Leicester Daily Mercury._ + +In these times, who can wonder at her choice? + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Royal Lineage:-- + + "After the extinction of the Billing Family...."--_Daily + Telegraph_. + +A correspondent, writing upon House of Commons' notepaper, assures us +that the above passage is a gross exaggeration. + + * * * * * + + "Charlie D. (Westminster).--We answer you in the words of + Cassius, 'A plague of both your houses.'"--_Town Topics_. + +Were not the words those of _Mercutio_ when he had failed to set up a +Business Government in Verona? + + * * * * * + + "Apply weed-killers to garden walks and drives, using every + precaution against domestic fowls and other bird-eating + worms."--_Irish Gardening_. + +Very careless of St. Patrick to leave these ornithophagous reptiles at +large. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Few Men to travel with Hobby Horses.--Apply Murphy's + Steam Galloping Horses, Abbeyleix, Queen's Co."--_Irish + Independent_. + +Now we understand Mr. Ginnell's sudden decision to quit Westminster. + + * * * * * + +THE TAP-ROOM. + +Our Reserve Battalion has a billiard-room, which is well patronised +by all those cheerful souls who have escaped from France without +permanent injury and resignedly await the second call. + +To-night the "Tap-room" is in top form. A four-handed game of snooker +is in as rapid progress as is reasonably possible. Every easy-chair +is filled with a would-be player offering gratuitous advice in order +to speed things up. A young war-scarred Captain is balanced on a +rickety side-table, offering odds on the game in a raucous voice. +The Mess-waiter strives to be in three places at once. Through all, +the players, totally unnerved, play with a desperate attempt at +concentration. + +Suddenly the door opens, and the Colonel enters, heated and out of +breath. His eye pierces through the tobacco smoke and transfixes the +unhappy bookmaker. He requests him to take advantage of his position +to open a window. The players examine the tips of their cues in sudden +silence. The Colonel refuses the offer of six vacated chairs with a +slightly impatient negative and inquires as to the probable length +of the game. He accepts the obvious untruth that it has just ended, +smiles with satisfaction, and proposes to the Adjutant a game of one +hundred up. + +The Colonel, after examining the cues with marked disapproval, +eventually selects one of short length and pronounced weight. He +then appropriates for his sole personal use the only piece of chalk, +demands the spot ball, places it in position, and endeavours to cast +his opponent's ball into a baulk pocket with a rapid back-hander. The +Adjutant sprints round the table in pursuit. + +The Colonel next addresses his own ball and propels it violently +against the red, which, taken completely by surprise, bounds with a +strong resilience from the top cushion, courses twice up and down the +table and comes to a pause in the neighbourhood of the middle pocket. +The Colonel tests the elasticity of the cushion with his thumb and +gives way a foot to enable his opponent to begin a neat break of +twenty-seven. + +The Colonel, finding time hanging heavily on his hands, devotes this +period to filling his pipe from a borrowed pouch; he then tramps +determinedly back to the table and is about to pocket the red from +a point of considerable vantage, when the Adjutant deferentially +suggests that he is about to play with the wrong ball. The Colonel +immediately strides round the table to where his command is clinging +to the cushion, lifts the ball to convince himself that there is a +spot on its surface, plants it back in a slightly more favourable +position, and with one thrust of his cue projects it into open +country. He then leaves the table without awaiting the result and +resumes his pipe. + +The Adjutant now compiles a fifteen break, pauses, notices the +Colonel's inattention, and with typical lack of true discipline +pots his opponent's ball and leaves the others in baulk. A horrified +silence ensues. The Colonel, without noticing the delicacy of the +situation, playfully slopes his "hipe" and marches back to the table. +The awful truth is instantly laid bare. The colour of his face becomes +of an imperial shade. He dumbly fumbles for his ball, which, with a +last bid for exemption, eludes his fingers and rolls under the table. + +Taking advantage of this the Colonel, with one glance of concentrated +hate in the direction of his opponent, grapples with his choler, and +by the time that his ball is returned under escort, has partially +recovered himself. He is determined to show to his subalterns the +value of coolness in an emergency. He places his ball with infinite +care and walks round the table to examine the position from every +point of view. His next move is to mark out elaborate angles with +the assistance of chalk marks on the cushions. Having finally formed +all his plans, he encourages his artillery with a few more rounds of +chalk, approaches the field with studied and dignified calm, delivers +his attack, and retires to watch the effect from his O. Pip. + +His command, flying desperately across the open, loses direction, +blunders hopelessly into an obstruction on the flank, retires in +confusion, and makes a blind despairing dash for a shell-crater. +Missing this by a fraction it loses all interest in life, wanders +pitifully off at an unnatural angle, runs into the hostile force of +the Adjutant, and comes finally into contact with the red. + +The Colonel hastens to remark to the enthusiastic audience that this +cannon only proves the possibilities of the noble game when accuracy +is achieved. It is calculated to improve their marksmanship, to teach +them to grasp an opportunity, to apply their tactical training, and to +render them cool in the hour of crisis. + +Inspired by this truth he attempts to pull off an awkward losing +hazard. This effort is ruined by an appalling miscue which affects the +new cloth. The Colonel justly blames the chalk, removes the pet-dog +of the battalion from his path with his foot, and makes for the +scoring-board. The volunteer marker inadvertently puts the Colonel's +modest score on to the large total of the Adjutant. + +At this critical moment an orderly fortunately arrives with a note +from the Brigade office. The Colonel secures the missive, tears the +envelope to shreds, runs his eye over the trivial contents, and +curses the War. He then assumes an air of enormous importance, excuses +himself, and stamps out into the night. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ancient Heroine_. "IT'S BEEN A TRYIN' TIME FOR ME, +MRS. BLOGGS. MY SAVIN'S-BANK BOOK WAS UP IN LUNNON ALL THROUGH THE +AIR-RAID."] + + * * * * * + + "It may be the bravery of ignorance that induces us to take + this point of view, but the locality excuses ignorance to + some extent, and the bravery still exists: Ovid has a line + that might be learnt with advantage by our readers-- + + "'Falliker augurio, spes bona saepe sus.'"--_Nigerian Pioneer_. + +We do not recall this line in OVID; but the locality is notoriously +unfavourable to Latin quotation. As HORACE says, _Hic Niger est; hunc +tu, Romane, caveto_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_. "WANT A NEW MESS-TIN, DO YOU? WHERE'S YOUR +OLD ONE?" + +_Private_. "I HAVEN'T GOT IT, SIR." _Officer._ "WHY NOT?" + +_Private_. "PLEASE, SIR, THERE'S A CHATEAU ON TOP OF IT, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +DR. SULLIVAN. + +It had been decided that there never was such a resemblance as is to +be traced between my homely features and those of a visitor to the +same hotel last year--Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street. This had become +an established fact irrefutable like a proposition of Euclid and +one of my new friends, who was also a friend of the Dr. Sullivan of +Wigley Street who had so satisfyingly and minutely anticipated my +countenance, made it the staple of his conversation. "Isn't Mr. +Blank," he would say to this and that _habitué_ of the smoking-room as +they dropped in from the neighbouring farms at night, "the very image +of Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was here last year?" And they +would subject my physiognomy to a searching study and agree that I +was. Perhaps the nose--a little bigger, don't you think? or a shade +of dissimilarity between the chins (he having, I suppose, only +two, confound him!), but taking it all round the likeness was +extraordinary. + +This had been going on for some time, until I was accustomed, if not +exactly inured, to it, and was really rather looking forward to the +time when, on returning to London, I could trump up a sufficient +ailment to call upon my double in Wigley Street and scrutinize +him with my own eyes. But last night my friend had something of a +set-back, which may possibly, by deflecting his conversation to other +topics, give me relief. I hope so. + +It happened like this. We were sitting in the smoking-room as +usual, he and I, when another local acquaintance entered--one who, +I gathered, had been away for a few weeks and whom I had therefore +not yet seen, and who (for this was the really important thing to my +friend) consequently had not yet seen me. + +In course of time the inevitable occurred. "Don't you think," my +friend asked, "that Mr. Blank is the very image of Dr. Sullivan of +Wigley Street, who was here last summer?" + +"What Dr. Sullivan's that?" the newcomer inquired. + +"Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was fishing here last summer. +Don't you remember him? The very image of Mr. Blank." + +"The only Dr. Sullivan I know," replied the newcomer, "is Dr. Sullivan +of Newcastle. He's a very old man by now. A very learned man too. He +has a wonderful private museum. He--" + +"No, no, the Dr. Sullivan I mean was From Wigley Street--a +specialist--who took the Manor fishing last summer and stayed in the +hotel." + +"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle is a very old man--much older than +Mr. Blank here, and not a bit like him. He's a most interesting +personality. He is the great authority on the South Sea Islanders. +You should see his collection of Fiji war clubs." + +"But that's not the Dr. Sullivan I mean. You must remember him," +said my impresario; "we all used to meet evening after evening, just +as we're doing now--Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, the specialist, +a clean-shaven big man, exactly like Mr. Blank here. Everyone has +noticed the likeness." + +"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle has a beard," said the newcomer. "And he's +a very old man by now. A great receptacle of miscellaneous learning. +He showed me once his collection of coins and medals. He's got coins +back to the Roman Emperors and stories about every one of them. His +collection--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--of idols is amazing. You never saw such comic figures as those +natives worship. There's nothing he doesn't collect. He's got a mummy +covered with blue beads. He's got skulls from all over the world, +showing different formations. It's some years--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--since I saw him last, and of course he may be--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--dead. But if not he's a man worth knowing. If ever you go to +Newcastle don't forget about him. But he must be very old by now. +He--" + +At this point I finished my glass and slipped away to bed. Consulting +the mirror as I undressed, I smiled at the reflection that confronted +me. "You can sleep well to-night," I said, "for there are signs that +you are about to have a rest." + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_DR. VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG AND HERR MICHAELIS._) + +_Michaelis._ I have called partly because I desired to offer my most +tactful condolences to my distinguished predecessor in the high office +which I hold, and partly because I thought you might be willing +to give me some hints as to my conduct, for I should like to leave +nothing undone that might make me a successful Chancellor. + +_Von Bethmann-Hollweg._ Upon my word you are even more kind and +considerate than I had expected. Even to exchange a word with a fallen +Chancellor is a sign both of kindness and courage. I wonder how you +could screw yourself up to the pitch of being so daring. + +_M._ I am glad you think so, for that is how I myself felt it. + +_Von B.-H._ Well, we will leave your courage out of the question. It +is sufficiently proved by your acceptance of the Chancellorship. As +to such advice as I am able to give, I must ask you first whether you +are ready to have the boots of the All-Highest constantly wiped upon +various parts of your person? + +_M._ A true Prussian endures that with difficulty. + +_Von B.-H._ But a true Prussian, it seems, can accustom himself to +this form of friendship and confidence as to many others. + +_M._ What others do you speak of? + +_Von B.-H._ My worthy Michaelis, you really must have covered your +eyes and stopped your ears ever since you were born, otherwise you +could not possibly be so ignorant. Do you not know that if your great +and beloved says a foolish thing or does an indiscreet one it will be +your duty to shoulder the responsibility for it? And you can easily +calculate yourself during how many hours of the day your back is +likely to be without a burden of some sort. And mind you, you are not +to expect to receive any gratitude for your toil. + +_M._ But he speaks a kind word now and then, doesn't he? + +_Von B.-H._ A kind word? Ha-ha. When I think of all that I have done +for that man, the acts I have defended, the stupidities I have tried +to convert into statesmanship, the tempers I have been the butt of, +the childish insults I have had to tolerate, the theatricalities +I have been compelled to treat as if they were the most glorious +manifestations of Imperial splendour--when I think of all this +and realise that he and I are both still alive, I marvel at such a +spectacle of human endurance. + +_M._ I must confess you are not very cheerful or very encouraging. + +_Von B.-H._ I did not set out to cheer you up or to encourage you, but +I thought it just as well that someone should tell you the truth. + +_M._ Why aren't you glad then at having dropped your burden? + +_Von B.-H._ I own I ought to be, but, as you hint, I am not. There +are ways of doing things, and there is a real difference in walking +quietly through a door and being kicked out through it with all +possible violence. + +_M._ But you have had the Hohenzollern Order presented to you and the +All-Highest has written you with his own gracious hand a letter. + +_Von B.-H._ _Verbosa et grandis epistola venit a Capreïs._ As for the +Hohenzollern Order I don't care a snap of the fingers for it. Nor will +you when your time comes. + +_M._ I hope that will not be for many years. + +_Von B.-H._ For your sake I hope your time may be short. In any case I +must thank you most warmly for your tactful condolences. + + * * * * * + +THE REST-RUMOUR. + + I know not in what rodent-haunted caverns + By what rough tongues the tale was first expressed, + By choking fires or in the whispering taverns + With wine and omelette lovingly caressed, + Or what tired soul, o'erladen with a lump + Of bombs and bags which someone _had_ to hump, + Flung down his load indignant at the Dump + And, cursing, cried, "_It's time we had a rest!_" + + And so, maybe, began it. Some sly runner, + Half-hearing, half-imagining, no doubt, + Caught up the word and gave it to a gunner, + And he, embroidering, 'twas noised about + From lip to lip in many a trench's press + Where working parties struggled to progress + Or else go back, but both without success, + "_Officer says Division's going out._" + + It found the Front. It came up with the rations; + The Corporals carried it from hole to hole; + And scouts behaved in strange polemic fashions + On what they thought would be their last patrol; + While Fritz, of course, from whom few things are hid, + Had the romance as soon as any did, + And said, thank William, he would soon be rid + Of yon condemned disturbers of his soul. + + Nor were there few confirming little trifles, + For James, rejoining from the Base, had scann'd + Strange waiting infantry with brand-new rifles, + In backward areas, but close at hand; + And some had marked the D.A.Q.M.G. + Approaching Railhead in the dusk, and he + (Who, as a fact, was simply on the spree) + Had gone, of course, to view the Promised Land. + + And what a land! Who had not heard its promise? + A land of quietude and no grenades, + Soft beds for officers, fair barns for Tommies, + And rich estaminets and gracious maids, + And half-an-hour from Abbeville by the train + A land of rivulets and golden grain + (Where it would be impossible to train + And even difficult to have parades)! + + Then it appeared the groom of General Harrison + Had news denied to ordinary men, + How the Brigade was going home to garrison + A restful corner of the Lincoln fen; + But weeks have passed and we are as we were; + And possibly, when Peace is in the air + And these dear myths have died of sheer despair, + They may come true--but not, I think, till then. + + * * * * * + +FELINE AMENITIES. + + "Cats' Happy Holiday Home--Wired garden, Home comforts, + References"--_Church Family Newspaper_. + + * * * * * + +From a notice of "Three Weeks":-- + + "The Queen of Croatia, one of those convenient operatic + Balham royalties...."--_Liverpool Daily Post_. + +Won't Tooting be jealous! + + * * * * * + + "To one who has been long enough away from the centre of + things almost to forget what it is like, a walk along Pall + Mall yesterday brought some curious reflections. From the + Circus to Hyde Park Corner not a single luxurious private + motor-car or horse-drawn carriage was to be seen. It was + not the Pall Mall of old days."--_Evening Paper_. + +No, it seems to have been much more like Piccadilly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Troop-ship Officer_. "ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, SIR?" + +_Enterprising American_. "I GUESS SO. I'M THE CINEMATOGRAPH OPERATOR +WHO'S GOING TO TAKE A FILM THE FIRST TIME YOU'RE TORPEDOED, AND +I'VE GOT A LETTER FROM YOUR FOLKS INSTRUCTING YOU TO GIVE ME EVERY +FACILITY."] + + * * * * * + +A SURPRISE PARTY. + +"Five-and-thirty wounded Tommies coming to tea and one of them coming +to his death, but he doesn't know it," moaned Emily, and waved a knife +round her head. + +I saw what had happened. All this bun-baking and cake-making had been +too much for my poor wife. She had been living in the oven for a week. + +"You're overdone. Lie down and try to get a little nap before they +come," I said soothingly. "Everything's ready." + +"Will he die without a sound, or will he gurgle?" said Emily, and +brought the knife within an inch of my nose. + +"No one is going to die at our tea-party, dear," I said, and ducked. + +"Not after swallowing _that_?" shrieked Emily, and lunged at me with +the knife again. + +I got it firmly by the handle this time, and I recognised Emily's +special cake-knife, an instrument wrought to perfection by long years +of service, sharp as a razor down both sides, with a flexible tip +that slithered round a basin and scooped up the last morsels of +candied-peel. + +But the flexible tip was gone. I understood Emily's distraught +condition. You can replace a diamond tiara; money won't buy a +twenty-year-old cake-knife. + +"Try and bear it, dear," I said. + +Emily pointed to the table weighed down with Madeiras and rocks and +almonds and sultanas and gingers. "It's inside one of them," she said. + +For the moment I failed to grasp her meaning. She explained. "I've +made six dozen. The knife was all right when I started; a little bent, +nothing more. It was when I was mixing the last that I noticed the tip +was missing." + +It was a difficult position. There was no time to submit the cakes to +the X-rays; the advance party was streaming through the gate. + +"Dear fellows! I wonder which one it will be," said Emily, and clung +round my neck. + +I put her on one side. "I'll manage it; leave it to me," I said, and +went forward and welcomed our guests. My mind was working clearly +and rapidly, as it always does in a crisis. When I had got them +seated round the tea-table, "My dear friends," I said, "this isn't +a Christmas party, but my wife couldn't help indulging in a little +Christmas fun. She's just whispered to me that she's put a surprise +in one of the cakes. I know her. It won't be an ordinary sort of +surprise. I should advise you all to keep a sharp look-out. There's a +pound" (it was worth a pound to save a hero's throat from being cut) +"for the man who finds anything in his cake which hasn't any business +to be there." + +Within five minutes two pebbles, a tin-tack, a chunk of wood and a +black-beetle were on the tablecloth.... + +"Do you know that flutter's cost me five pounds, and there wasn't a +sign of your infernal knife after all?" I said to Emily when they'd +gone. + +"I've just found it under the kitchen table," said Emily. "I _am_ +thankful." + + * * * * * + + "This company's year ended on the 40th June, and a good + distribution is looked for by the market."--_Journal of + Commerce_. + +With such help from the calendar any company should do well. + + * * * * * + +THE SIGNAL SECTION. + +You know how the great hunter who sleeps with his gun at his pillow +is awake in an instant, with all his faculties alert, when the sacred +spider breaks a twig in the jungle? You remember how the handsome +highwayman, at the first far clatter of hoofs on the great North Road, +is up and out on the scullery roof of the inn before you have turned +the page, and is deep in Lonely Copse (wearing the serving-wench's +stomacher) before his first fat pursuer has said, "Open in the name of +the Law," below his window? Well, like Jimmy's bloodhound in _Punch_, +I am very good at that. + +But it is a telephone-bell that does it. You go down seventy-two +steps--backwards, or you hit your head--to a German room, which smells +German, and you will find my boudoir, furnished with sandbags, a +shaving mirror and a telephone. + +At eleven o'clock I lie on the sandbags and, like the great hunter, +close my eyes immediately in dreamless sleep. + +At five minutes past eleven the telephone-bell rings. + +That is what I am good at. I leap to my feet and say "Hullo!" + +Utter silence follows, save (as Mr. BEACH THOMAS would say) for the +monotonous drone of the great shells bursting outside. + +I repeat my original remark. "Hullo!" I say brightly, "Hullo!... +Hullo!" + +I shake the microphone. It sounds as though sand had got into it, and +still there is silence. The minutes creep on and my voice begins to +fail. Outside in the quiet night a solitary gas-alarm chirps a few +quiet notes to the stars and is still. I continue to say "Hullo!" + +At eleven-fifteen the operator at the other end finishes the story of +what he said to her and what she, on the other hand, said to him, and +turns refreshed to his instrument. + +With a dexterous twist of his wrist he sounds a deafening peal in the +bell at my ear, and says, "Hullo!" + +I retaliate. When the score is vantage out, I put all the red tabs I +can into my voice, and his tone changes. He is at once the cheerful +and willing artisan, eager to please. + +"Yes, Sir ... Yes, Sir ... Who do you want, Sir? This is Zed Esses Pip +Ack five, Sir ..." + +"You called me," I say. + +He is more hurt than angry at that. "Oh, no, Sir. You rang me up, Sir. +This is Zed Esses ..." + +I nip that in the bud by saying "Hullo!" very loud. He realizes that +the game is up. + +"Speak to Division, Sir," he says curtly, and clicks before I can +answer. A faint far gnat-voice says, "Is that Zed Ess?" + +"No," I shout. "What the ..." + +"Through to Division," says gnat-voice and clicks me off. Another +voice carries on the good work. Upstairs the shells burst playfully +on the parapet, and under the starlit sky a gas cloud drifts slowly +across the fields, almost hiding the cattle who are grazing peacefully +there in the long wet grass. + +At midnight I am through to Division. + +"Is that you?" says Division. "There is a list ..." + +"Finished, please?" says the operator so near and loud that I jump. + +Division and I are at one here--we are agreed that we have not +finished. Like the Brothers Crosstalk, we say so simultaneously, using +the same swearword. + +The operator clicks off, baffled. + +"That list of men for a bombing course," says Division. + +"Yes, Sir," I reply brightly, though my heart sinks. + +"You ought to have sent it in at 6 P.M.," says Division. "And it has +not yet arrived." + +I look at my wrist-watch, but realise too late that this graceful +gesture is lost on him. "I am sorry, Sir," I reply with dignity, "but +the delay was inevitable. It shall be with you on the breakfast-table. +The difficulty of communication in this great War ..." + +Division laughs sardonically. + +At ten minutes past twelve I go to bed again, and at twelve-fifteen +an orderly shines an electric torch in my eyes in order to prevent my +reading a wire which he hands me. It says, "Ref. your S.C. 1985 please +ask PIG if they have salvaged any German socks. A.A.A. urgent." + +I stand up, and the orderly, completely unnerved by the sight of a +Staff Captain in undress uniform, releases the button of his torch and +retires under cover of darkness. + +I twirl the handle of the telephone and listen. There is silence. +I turn it again with vigour. For twenty minutes I behave like an +organ-grinder. Towards dawn the bell rings and I receive an electric +shock. + +"Hullo!" says the operator. + +I tell him what I think of him. When I have finished the sun is up +and the first aeroplane is dropping its glad bombs on the dewy earth +below. + +I demand PIG. PIG is a Machine Gun Company. By breakfast-time I have +discovered that PIG has salvaged socks, German, one. + +I ring up Division ... + +It is a splendid force, as they used to say in _The Message from +Mars_--it is a splendid force, the Signal Service. + +And men sleeping among the rats in the front line wake for their +coffee and hot water and envy me my undisturbed nights. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Tenant_ (_digging up lawn and waste ground, to +agent_). "CAN YOU INFORM ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE MAN WHO OWNED THIS +PLACE BEFORE ME?" + +_House Agent_. "ER--HE'S IN FRANCE." + +_Tenant_. "UM. WELL, I HOPE HE COMES BACK. SAFELY!"] + + * * * * * + + "The Vienna _Die Zeit_ considers the political crisis in + Germany as one of the chief consequences of the political + utterances of English, American and French statesmen, + demanding the demoralisation of Germany."--_Sunday Times_. + +It seems superfluous. + + * * * * * + + "It is authoritatively announced that the American troops + fighting in France will very shortly receive steel helmets, + the design of the helmets being very similar to those worn by + the French and British forces, but bearing, as insignia, the + United States coat of mail."--_Daily Graphic_. + +Head-protection is very necessary, but isn't this rather overdoing it? + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, JULY 25, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11704-8.txt or 11704-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/0/11704 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, July 25, 1917</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 24, 2004 [eBook #11704]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, JULY 25, 1917***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" size="5" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 25, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page49" + id="page49"></a>[pg 49]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Not one of the morning papers advocated the appointment of + Sir Eric Geddes to be First Lord of the Admiralty. A big scoop + this for the Government.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A shortage of paper yarns is reported from Germany. The + coarser varieties have apparently all been monopolised by the + Imperial Government.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A foolish rumour is going the rounds to the effect that a + music-hall comedian has confessed that he has never made a joke + about the Mess in Mesopotamia. It is feared that the recent hot + weather has affected the poor fellow.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the absence of the sea-serpent this year a tope weighing + thirty-nine pounds has been captured at Hastings. The fisherman + who caught it declares that if he had known it was a tope at + the time he would not have been in such a hurry to sign the + pledge.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Food-Controller is calling for strict economy in the use + of ice. It is not generally known that after it has been warmed + a little in front of the fire the stuff will keep almost + indefinitely.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The order prohibiting the use of enemy languages over the + telephone is said to be causing some inconvenience. Several + persons intercepted by the operator in the course of a guttural + conversation have been subsequently shown to have been talking + Swiss.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Pittsburg inventor is reported by Mr. MARCONI to have + discovered a method of bottling light. If he can bottle + anything lighter than the new Government ale his claim to be a + wizard is established.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A safe weighing three hundredweight has been stolen from a + branch post office in the Gray's Inn Road. It is believed that + in the excitement caused by an air-raid alarm it was snatched + up by a customer who mistook it for his hat.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A man applied at Willesden Police Court recently for advice + as to what he should do with a loaf of War bread which was + uneatable, as he dared not destroy it and could not eat it. His + only objection to keeping it as a pet was a fear that it would + never become really fond of children, although it might in time + prove a good house-guard with which to ward off burglars.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At the Birmingham Assizes a man has been sent to prison for + publishing a pamphlet entitled "Questions for Parsons." He now + contemplates a new pamphlet entitled "Back Answers to the + Bench."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to the fact that the political situation is not quite + clear in Germany the Reichstag has been adjourned. It is + expected also that an attempt will be made to adjourn the + War.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A writer in <i>English Mechanics</i> declares that a cornet + played near caterpillars will cause them to drop to the ground + and die. We understand that the R.S.P.C.A. plead with + allotment-holders to destroy these pests by a less gruesome + method.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A motor lorry laden with petrol dashed into the front of a + house at Hazelgrove when the family was not at home. It is only + fair to say that the driver did not know they were out.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Barcelona-to-Bilbao motor race has been postponed owing + to strikes in Spain. A few sharp lessons like this will, we + feel certain, have the effect of discouraging the habit of + striking.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Some men, said a man before the Swindon Guardians, take up + angling in order to go into the country to enjoy a smoke. It is + not known why the others do it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Board of Agriculture point out that there is an abundant + supply of kippers on the market at reasonable prices. This will + come as a great boon to music-hall audiences, who find that the + kippers used by comedians are getting rather frayed at the + edges through constant wear.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Bad language is used at Billingsgate not so much by the + porters as by the buyers," said a witness at a City inquest + last week. A purchaser at this market declares that the + language is often provoked by the fish. Only last week he had a + heated argument with a very talkative haddock.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>England has lost first place in Germany, for America is said + to be the most hated country now. The morning hate of the + German family with ragtime obbligato must be a terrible + thing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The National Service Department," said Mr. Beck in the + House of Commons, "is desirous of remaining where it is." If we + are to believe all we read it will take a great deal to move + this department.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Cod liver oil," says a weekly paper, "is the secret of + health." Smith minor sincerely regrets that our contemporary + has not kept the secret.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i>, referring to the appointment + of Dr. Michaelis, says "there is no chance of his clubbing + together with the big industrialists and misguided agitators." + So long however as they are clubbed separately we shall not + grumble.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Waste-paper in Westminster, it is stated, has gone up from + £2 10<i>s.</i> to £7 a ton. Why, it is asked, + cannot the Government come to the rescue and publish the full + reports of the Dardanelles and Mesopotamia Commissions?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Boxes of matches with jokes on them, we are told, are now on + sale. Several correspondents who were charged twopence for a + box complain that they are unable to see the joke.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An Irish newspaper, <i>The Kilkenny People</i>, has been + suppressed for seditious utterances. People are wondering what + it can possibly have said.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There will be no flag-day on August 26th.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A girl clerk in a Surrey bank has explained a shortage of a + half-penny in her postage-stamps by admitting that she + swallowed one. It is thought that the extremely low price + tempted her.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/49.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/49.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>New Hand</i>. "Flies seem pretty awful out here, + Corporal."</p> + + <p><i>Hardened Campaigner</i>. "Wot flies?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page50" + id="page50"></a>[pg 50]</span> + + <h2>ON VIMY RIDGE.</h2> + + <h3><i>To B.S.B., July 11th</i>.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>On Vimy Ridge I sit at rest</p> + + <p class="i2">With Loos and Lens outspread below;</p> + + <p>An A.D.C.—the very best—</p> + + <p class="i2">Expounds the panoramic show;</p> + + <p>Lightly I lunch, and never yet</p> + + <p class="i2">Has quite so strong an orchestration</p> + + <p>Supplied the music while I ate</p> + + <p class="i4">My cold collation.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Past Avion through the red-roofed town</p> + + <p class="i2">There at our feet our white line + runs;</p> + + <p>Fresnoy's defences, smoking brown,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shudder beneath our shattering guns;</p> + + <p>Pop-pop!—and Archie's puffs have blurred</p> + + <p class="i2">Some craft engaged to search the Bosch + out—</p> + + <p>I hold my breath until the bird</p> + + <p class="i4">Signals a wash-out.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Scarce I believe the vision real,</p> + + <p class="i2">That here for life and death they + fight;</p> + + <p>A "Theatre of War," I feel,</p> + + <p class="i2">Has set its stage for my delight,</p> + + <p>Who occupy, exempt from toll,</p> + + <p class="i2">This auditorium, green and tufty,</p> + + <p>Guest of the Management and sole</p> + + <p class="i4">Object in mufti.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And now along the fretted ground</p> + + <p class="i2">Where Canada's "BYNG Boys" stormed their + way,</p> + + <p>I go conducted on the round</p> + + <p class="i2">That GEORGE OF WINDSOR did to-day;</p> + + <p>Immune he trod that zone of lead,</p> + + <p class="i2">And how should I, who just write + verses,</p> + + <p>Hope to attract to my poor head</p> + + <p class="i4">Their "Perishing Percies"?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bapaume had nearly been my tomb;</p> + + <p class="i2">And greatly flattered I should be</p> + + <p>If I could honestly assume</p> + + <p class="i2">The beastly shell was meant for me;</p> + + <p>But though my modesty would shun</p> + + <p class="i2">To think this thought (or even say + it),</p> + + <p>I feel I owe the KAISER one</p> + + <p class="i4">And hope to pay it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW TO CURE THE BOSCH.</h2> + + <p>"Yes, I seen a good bit o' the Bosch, one way and another, + before he got me in the leg," said Corporal Digweed. "Eighteen + months I had with 'im spiteful, and four months with 'im tame. + Meaning by that four months guarding German prisoners."</p> + + <p>"And what do you think of him at the end of it?" I + asked.</p> + + <p>Digweed leant back with a heavily judicial air.</p> + + <p>"Some o' these Peace blighters seem to think he's a little + angel, basin' their opinion, I suppose, on something I must 'a' + missed during my time out. On the other hand there's a tidy few + thinks that one German left will spoil the earth. Now me, I + holds they're both wrong. The second's nearer than what the + first is, I don't deny. But a incident what occurred in that + Prisoners' Camp set me thinking that you might make something + o' Fritz yet, if you only had the time and the patience.</p> + + <p>"We had a batch of prisoners come in what I saw at once was + a different brand to the usual. There wasn't that—well, + that distressin' lack o' humility that you mostly finds showin' + itself after we've had them a week or two. There seemed about + 'em almost a sort o' willingness to learn that put 'em in a + class by themselves. I sez to the interpreter, 'There's + something odd about that lot. You find out what it is;' which + he does. And what do you think it was? <i>They was + convicts</i>. All men in for a long term, what had served five + years and more o' their sentences and was let out to fight.</p> + + <p>"It seemed to me at first the rummiest thing that ever I + see. But I've thought it over and thought it over, and now it's + as clear as day. When the Bosch is kept in a watertight + compartment for a bit, he gets back to being more or less of a + human being. His whole trouble's really through being + surrounded by other Bosches. They get tellin' each other what a + great nation they are, and how they was born to inherit the + earth, and that it's only forestalling nature a bit to go and + take it now, and so on—each going one better than the + last. They keep on contaminatin' one another till what do you + get? Why, me and you spending our old age a-teaching of 'em + humility.</p> + + <p>"Now, with these 'ere convicts it was another story. 'Stead + o' keep talkin' about German culture and what rotters all the + rest o' the world was, their heads had plenty o' time to cool + while they picked their oakum or what not—resultin' in + quite a fairly decent lot o' men, as I say. Yes, it's very + interesting and instructive. I believe it's the solution of the + question, 'How to cure the Bosch,' I do. If you could keep 'em + all apart from each other for five years you'd find they'd be + quite different. I daresay they wouldn't mind it so much + either."</p> + + <p>"If I was a Bosch I should be thankful," I said. "But + wouldn't there be difficulties about this segregation?"</p> + + <p>Digweed waved them aside.</p> + + <p>"There's always difficulties," he said. "But you mark my + words, that's the thing to do. It would help it along, too, to + give 'em the right sort of books and papers to read. Why, if + you worked the thing properly, they might mostly be cured in + two years or two and a half."</p> + + <p>I shook my head. "There are some you'll never cure," I + said.</p> + + <p>"There'd be stubborn cases, I won't deny. And a few + incurables, as you say. But the first thing to do is to + advertise the idea. You make a speech about it, Sir. When + you're proposing a vote of thanks to a Duchess for openin' a + bazaar, you bring it up. I've heard people before now take that + kind of opportunity to bring something forward what they'd got + on their chest."</p> + + <p>"I'm not likely to get a chance like that," I said; "but + I'll see if I can write an article about it."</p> + + <p>Whether Digweed will consider the article worthy of the + subject I cannot say. Perhaps the Editor of <i>Punch</i> is + less fastidious.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FOR OUR SAILORS.</h2> + + <p>The current week is "Navy Week," and Mr. Punch begs to urge + his kind friends to take their part in the great organised + effort to raise a large sum for the benefit of our sailors and + their families—R.N., R.N.R., R.N.V.R., trawlers and + mine-sweepers. The nation owes them all a debt that can never + be paid. The fund is to be administered on the lines of King + Edward's Hospital Fund. An All-American matinée will be + given in this good cause at the Victoria Palace on Thursday, + July 26th, and <i>Trelawny of the Wells</i> (with Miss IRENE + VANBRUGH) at the New Theatre on Friday. Gifts for the fund may + be addressed to Commodore Sir RICHARD WILLIAMS-BULKELEY, Bt., + at the offices of "Navy Week," 5, Green Street, Leicester + Square, W.C. 2.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page51" + id="page51"></a>[pg 51]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/51.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/51.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page52" + id="page52"></a>[pg 52]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/52.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/52.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Sergeant</i> (<i>to cadet</i>). "SIT + BACK, SIR! SIT BACK! THINK WOT A BLINKIN' FOOL YOU'D + LOOK IF 'IS 'EAD WAS TO COME ORF!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <h3>LXIII.</h3> + + <p>My dear Charles,—I never meant to give myself away; I + meant to go on talking about the old War till the end, just as + if I was taking a leading part in it, so that you should have + still believed I was doing the bull-dog business with the best + of them. But no, let me be honest and tell you that I have + practically ceased to be a dog. The only painful connection I + can boast of recently with the War is that, having cause to + travel from place to place in this country, I was unhappy + enough to strike six meatless days in succession, which gave me + to think that even embusquing in France has its drawbacks. On + the seventh day I was accused, by good people who know not + Thomas, of being (1) a Russian, (2) an American, (3) a Belgian, + and (4) an Irishman, which made me feel that these gaudy + colours I have burst into are not so famous as I supposed; and + on the eighth day I find myself insulted in twenty-seven places + by an angry mosquito, whom in the small hours of the morning I + had occasion to rap over the knuckles and turn out of my + billet. And I've got a nasty cold, and nobody loves me or + cleans my buttons, and if I want to go anywhere there are no + more motor cars and they make me pay a penny for the tram, and + my wife doesn't think I'm a hero any longer, and little James + is being taught to blush and look away and start another + subject when anybody says "Dad-dad," and (if you can believe + this) I've just been made to pay a franc-and-a-half for a tin + of bully beef.</p> + + <p>But you don't sympathise, not a bit of it; why should you? I + shouldn't if I were in your place. I should just cut off the + supply of cigarettes and shaving-soap, stop wishing me good + luck, and, with haughty contempt, say, "Call yourself a + soldier!" Nevertheless, my friend, whatever I may <i>be</i>, I + <i>look</i> extraordinarily magnificent, so much so that a + short-sighted Major has taken his pipe out of his mouth as I + have drawn near and has as good as saluted me. When he saw I + was only a Captain (and a temporary Captain at that) he tried + to cover his mistake; but he didn't deceive me; he didn't need + to take his pipe out of his mouth in order to scratch his head, + did he?</p> + + <p>There is this to be said about being at war, you never know + what is going to happen to you next. For the most part this is + just as well. There is, however, a decent percentage of + pleasant surprises, which is, I suppose, the only thing that + makes the business tolerable. No orderly ever came up to the + trenches, when I was in them, but he gave rise to the hope that + he had orders for me to come out at once and command in chief. + Some such orderly did arrive at last, but the instructions he + gave me said nothing about taking over the B.E.F. Nevertheless + orders were orders and I obeyed them and came out. Having a + private conversation with Fortune on the way down the + communication trench, I thanked her very sincerely for her + kindness and said I was so grateful that I would never ask her + for anything else.</p> + + <p>But you know human nature as well as I do; I soon found + myself saying what a hard life it was in an office, and how one + missed the open-air life one had with one's regiment and the + healthy appetite it gave one. Besides which, as I pointed out + to Fortune, my solid worth wasn't being recognised as it should + be. "I don't ask for favours," I told her. "All I ask is bare + justice." Now, if I'd been Fortune, Charles, and a man had + spoken to me like that, after all I'd done for him, I'd have + had him marching up that communication trench again, with a + full pack, at five o'clock in the very next forenoon.</p> + + <p>But Fortune, ever kind and forgiving, did no such thing. She + did remonstrate with me gently of nights, when the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page53" + id="page53"></a>[pg 53]</span> noise of the bombardments was + particularly fierce and prolonged. "What about those poor + fellows right up in front," she said, "who are sitting out + in the wind and the rain and going through <i>that</i>?" + "Yes," said I, "what about them? Can't you do something for + them? Do you know that this is their fourth night of it in + succession, and the only bit of change you've been able to + give them was sleet instead of rain on the Sunday?" That + used to put Fortune in the cart, and she'd try and work the + conversation round to my own case again. But what with the + wind and the noise and the downpour and the mud, I was too + hot on the other subject, and I said that Fortune ought to + be ashamed of herself, carrying on like that; and it was a + disgraceful war and the police ought to stop it, and I'd a + very good mind to write to the papers about it.</p> + + <p>Then the next day would be fine and dry and warm, and it + would be early closing for the Bosch artillery, and the + infantry would go marching past my office window, whistling and + singing and behaving as if the whole thing was a jolly old + picnic; and who'd be an inkslinger in such weather? And + Fortune, modestly intruding, would say to me casually, "I think + I've arranged that rather well, don't you?"</p> + + <p>"Ah, you've arranged something at last, have you?" I'd say, + assuming that she must be thinking about me, and I'd open my + official envelopes with an unusual interest, feeling + practically sure that one of them must contain immediate orders + for me—the one and only me—to proceed forthwith to + England and reorganise the War Office, taking over a couple of + six-cylinder cars and a furnished flat in St. James's for the + purpose.</p> + + <p>Poor old Fortune! what could she say next? She'd look at me, + more in sorrow than in anger, and murmur, "Aren't you + forgetting that this is a war and you are supposed to be + fighting it?" Did I blush for shame? Not I. As bold as brass + I'd look old Fortune straight in the face and, with righteous + indignation, would say, "I know as well as you do, Ma'am, that + it is a war; but there's no reason why it shouldn't be a + <i>just</i> war." Thinking it out I have never been quite able + to see what I meant by that, as applied to my own case. + However, I seem to have said the right thing, and it appears to + have impressed Fortune very considerably, because—well, + Charles, here I am.</p> + + <p>Yet if there is justice in this world (and I subsist on the + confident hope and belief that there is not) I know what the + end of it must be. That confounded orderly, turned traitor, + will one day search me out, however far I may have wandered + from the battlefield meanwhile, and, saluting ironically, will + hand me an envelope marked "Urgent, secret, confidential, + personal, private." The contents will be a piece of news and + some orders, and all that Fortune will have had to do with it + will be to attach a forwarding slip, "Passed to you, please, + for your information and necessary action." The news will be + that for everyone else the War is over, and the infantry and + the rest of them will take over forthwith my present + circumstances, being free to revel in the trams and the + mosquitoes and the nasty colds to their hearts' delight. The + orders will be that for me the War is about to begin again in + grim earnest, and that to-morrow at dawn I take over and defend + till further notice, and against all the most noisy and + loathsome inventions that man can devise, that sector of the + trenches which extends from the Swiss frontier to the sea.</p> + + <p>When that day comes I shall be too busy (taking cover) to + have leisure to write to you. Meanwhile I shall still be in + touch with life from time to time and will pass on to you such + scraps as come my way. Yours ever, Henry.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The India Office goes to Mr. Montagu."—<i>The + Star.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mahomet had to go to the Mountain, but Mr. Montagu is more + fortunate.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/53.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/53.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "I dessay some women can do men's work. But + they'll never git men's wages."</p> + + <p><i>Joe</i> (<i>much married</i>). + "Wotchermean—<i>never?</i> They always 'ave!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page54" + id="page54"></a>[pg 54]</span> + + <h2>OUR MIGHTY PENMEN.</h2> + + <h3>BY A LITERARY EXPERT.</h3> + + <p>The House of Boffin announces a revised edition of Mr. + Elbert Pitts's <i>Final Words on Religion</i>, under the title + of <i>Antepenultimate Words on Religion</i>. As Mr. Pitts + observes in his arresting Preface, "Finality, in a time of + upheaval, is a relative term, and I hope, at intervals of six + months or so, to publish my penultimate, quasi-ultimate and + paulo-post-ultimate views on the vital beliefs which underlie + the fantastic superstructure of dogmatic theology." The new + work will be illustrated with three portraits of the author by + Mr. Marcellus Thom, taken at various stages of the composition + of the work.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. Pitts has also completed a new novel entitled <i>The + Bounder of Genius</i>, and has kindly furnished us with a brief + outline of its contents. The hero, who starts life as an + artificial raspberry-pip maker and amasses a colossal fortune + in the Argentine grain trade, marries a poor seamstress in his + struggling days, but deserts her for a brilliant variety + actress, who is in turn deposed by (1) the daughter of a dean, + (2) the daughter of an earl, and (3) the daughter of a duke. + Ultimately Jasper Dando, for that is his name, leads a crusade + to Patagonia, where he establishes a new republic founded on + Eugenics, China tea, and the Prohibition of the Classics. Mr. + Pitts thinks it the finest thing he has done, and he is + fortified in this conviction by the opinion of Mr. Stoot, the + principal reader of the House of Boffin.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are glad to hear that Mr. Hanley Potter will shortly + issue, through the firm of Bloomer and Guppy, a selection from + the reviews, notices and essays contributed by him to <i>The + Slagville Gazette</i>. "They are interesting," says the author, + "as the expression of a fresh and unbiassed mind, unfettered by + any respect for established reputations or orthodox standards." + The titles of some of the articles—"The Dulness of + Dante," "The Sloppiness of Scott," "George Eliot as Pedant," + "Jane Austen the Prude"—indicate sufficiently the + richness of the treat provided in these stimulating pages.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Centenary of JANE AUSTEN is to be celebrated in a + thoroughly practical manner by the House of Hussell. It will be + remembered that, some thirty years ago, an effort was made to + revive the waning popularity of SIR WALTER SCOTT by the issue + of a series of condensed versions of his novels, in which + redundant passages, notes and introductions were removed and + the salient features were compressed in a compact and animated + narrative. In order to render justice to JANE AUSTEN the + process needed is diametrically opposite. JANE AUSTEN'S novels + are short and singularly lacking in picturesqueness, emotion, + colour. Mr. Hamo Bletherley, who has been entrusted with the + task of infusing these elements into JANE AUSTEN'S staid and + reticent romances, points out that her vocabulary was + extraordinarily limited. Her abstinence from decorative + epithets led to results that are bald and unconvincing. One may + look in vain in her pages for such words as "arresting," + "vital," "momentous" or "sinister." She never uses "glimpse," + "sense" or "voice" as verbs. We look forward with eager + anticipation to the results of Mr. Bletherley's courageous + experiment.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In this connection we cannot too heartily congratulate Mr. + Jerome Longmore, the well-known bookman and literary + curio-collector, on his latest stroke of good luck. It appears + that in a recent pilgrimage to Selborne he met the only + surviving great-granddaughter of Sarah Timmins (charwoman at + Chawton in the years 1810 to 1815), and purchased from her a + pair of bedroom slippers, a pink flannel dressing-gown and a + boa which had belonged to the great novelist. A full + description of these priceless relics will shortly appear in + <i>The Penman</i>, together with a life and portrait of Sarah + Timmins, who married a pork butcher in Liphook and died in + 1848. One of her letters establishes the interesting fact that + JANE AUSTEN never ate sausages.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We may add that Mr. Longmore is not one of those miserly + collectors who brood over their treasures and deny the sight of + them to others. On the contrary he takes the keenest pleasure + in showing them to his friends, and at the present time is + holding a series of informal receptions at his charming villa + at Potter's Bar, at which, robed in JANE AUSTEN'S + dressing-gown, wearing her boa and shod in her slippers, he + presents a truly romantic and distinguished spectacle. We + understand that the Potter's Bar authorities are favourably + considering the proposal that warnings of air raids in that + locality should be given by the appearance in public of Mr. + Longmore in this striking dress.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"... Mr. Lloyd George, on whom, by devious paths, has + descended the mantle of Lord Rosebery."—<i>Daily + Express.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Including the PRIMROSE path, we presume.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>PETHERTON'S PEDIGREE.</h2> + + <p>A stroke of luck enabled me to open an interesting little + correspondence with my genial neighbour, Petherton, which + resulted in one of those delightful passages-of-arms in which + Petherton, at least, excels.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>DEAR MR. PETHERTON (I began),—I have made a + discovery which will, I am sure, interest you, though I am + uncertain whether it will be as pleasing to you as to + myself.</p> + + <p>During certain research work at the Record Office I came + across incontrovertible evidence that we are in some way + related through a Petherton in the early part of the + eighteenth century (<i>tempus</i> GEORGE II.) being + sufficiently far-seeing to contract a marriage with a + Fordyce. This Petherton, by name Edward, lived at Kirkby + Lonsdale, and his wife, Emily Jane Fordyce, at Dent, in the + same district.</p> + + <p>I haven't a family tree by me, but know the + late-lamented Emily Jane by name. She was part of the issue + of one Henry Fordyce, who is in the direct line, absolutely + non-stop, without changing, from the earliest known Fordyce + to myself.</p> + + <p>What a field for speculation is here opened up! With + your scientific bent you will grasp the possibilities of + the hereditary influence of my family on yours, supposing + Edward Petherton to be a direct ancestor of your own. To me + the unexpected result of my researches will give an added + interest to our correspondence, and I await with eagerness + your views as to the value and interest of my + discovery.</p> + + <p>Your kinsman,</p> + + <p>HENRY J. FORDYCE.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Petherton cried "Touché" at once, and lunged at me in + accordance with my plan of campaign.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SIR (he spluttered),—As a very busy man I must + protest against your attempt to distract my attention by + writing to me on a matter that is of no importance. That + your discovery is of a somewhat disconcerting nature I will + not deny, but that it is of any particular value or + interest to me is hardly to be expected, seeing that it + relates to a by-gone century, and any defects acquired by + the Pethertons from such a union will, I imagine, have been + overcome by now.</p> + + <p>The Fordyces were apparently a more attractive race in + the eighteenth than in the twentieth century. I can + scarcely imagine a present-day Petherton contracting such a + <i>mésalliance</i>.</p> + + <p>A direct ancestor of mine, Edward Petherton, as I see by + the Family Bible in my possession, was born in 1699, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page55" + id="page55"></a>[pg 55]</span> married in 1728, and + lived at Kirkby Lonsdale. His wife's name is not stated, + but I can the more readily believe that he is the + misguided individual to whom you refer, as he died in + 1729, no doubt as the result of his rash act. His son, + Primus Postumus Petherton, born, as his second name + suggests, after his father's death, carried on the line. + Any possible virtues or talents my family may possess + are not, I am certain, from the distaff side of this + union.</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>FREDERICK PETHERTON.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>I made a thrust in tierce:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>DEAR COUSIN FRED,—What a mine of information you + are! I touch a spring and out comes Primus Postumus + Petherton. The name conjures up visions of grey church + towers, monumental urns and the eulogies in verse beloved + of Georgian poets. I wonder whether Possy was a great + letter-writer and kept poultry. By the way, what a lot of + good things begin with a "P," and, talking of poultry, I + notice yours are laying, or should be. They are certainly + in full song these mornings.</p> + + <p>I'm so glad that you're so glad that I'm a relation. + When I was at the Record Office again yesterday I searched + for more information about my new-found relatives. In fact + I dug up the Petherton allotment thoroughly and unearthed + Priscilla and Anne, both of CHARLES I.'s time, and + Marmaduke of the Restoration.</p> + + <p>I couldn't exhume a complete family tree, or no doubt I + should have found all these worthies hanging on their + respective branches, though Marmaduke might have dropped + off, as he appears to have been a bit over-ripe from what I + could gather from the records.</p> + + <p>How are the Food Regulations suiting you? Judging from + your last letter I'm afraid you are not taking enough + starch. Of course I know it's gone up fearfully in price + lately. Personally I've taken to wearing soft collars.</p> + + <p>Your affectionate Cousin, H.F.</p> + + <p>Aren't you pleased that potatoes have come in again? + (Another good thing beginning with a P.)</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Petherton ground his teeth for a last bout, and bade me come + on.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>SIR (he wrote),—I'm glad you've taken to soft + collars. They will suit your soft head. As for food, I'm + afraid you're not taking enough arsenic. A slight touch of + relationship to my family has evidently turned your brain. + I cannot say how sorry I am that you should have discovered + the one flaw in my pedigree.</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>FREDERICK PETHERTON.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>I gave him one last little tweak under the ribs:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>DEAR OLD BOY,—Just a hurried line to say that all + is forgiven and forgotten. The family feud (there must have + been one, I'm certain) which has kept the Pethertons and + the Fordyces apart for the last couple of centuries is a + thing of the past, now that we two understand each other so + thoroughly. I am only sorry I did not discover the + strawberry mark on your left arm earlier, that I might the + sooner have subscribed myself.</p> + + <p>Your long lost HARRY.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This either disarmed him or he threw away his weapon in + disgust.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/55.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/55.png" + alt="" /></a><i>British Tar</i> (<i>confidentially to + lady friend</i>). "SHE'S SUNK ALL RIGHT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Other houses have a good many books which have come + down from posterity, mostly in odd + volumes."—<i>"Claudius Clear" in "The British + Weekly."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Some of those that we bequeath to our ancestors will be + quite as odd.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is rumoured that during the period of food-control a + well-known Soho restaurant intends to change its name to the + "Rhondda-vous."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page56" + id="page56"></a>[pg 56]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/56.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/56.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Busy City-man to his Partner</i> + (<i>as one of the new air-raid warnings gets to + work</i>). "IF YOU'LL LEAVE ME IN HERE FOR THE + WARNINGS I'LL CARRY ON WHILE YOU TAKE SHELTER DURING + THE RAIDS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LITTLE THINGS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I used to be a peaceful chap as didn't ask for + trouble,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' as for rows an' fightin', why, I'd + mostly rather not,</p> + + <p>But now I'd charge an army single-'anded at the + double,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' it's all along o' little things I've + learned to feel so 'ot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's 'orrid seein' burnin' farms, which I 'ave often + seen 'ere,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' fields all stinks an' shell-'oles, + an' the dead among the flowers,</p> + + <p>But the thing I've 'ated seein' all the bloomin' + time I've been 'ere</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the little gardens rooted up—the + same as might be ours</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's bad to see the chattos—which means + castles—gone to ruins,</p> + + <p class="i2">And big cathedrals knocked to bits as + used to look that fine,</p> + + <p>But what puts me in a paddy more than all them sort + o' doin's</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the little 'ouses all in + 'eaps—the same as might be mine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An' when the what's-it line is bust an' we go + rompin' through it,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' knock the lid off Potsdam an' the + KAYSER off 'is throne,</p> + + <p>Why, what'll get our monkey up an' give us 'eart to + do it?</p> + + <p class="i2">Just thinkin' o' them little things as + might 'ave been our own</p> + + <p class="i2">(An' most of all the little kids as might + 'ave been our own)!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>GOIN' BACK.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm goin' back to Blighty and a free-an' easy + life,</p> + + <p class="i2">But I grant it ain't the Blighty of me + pals:</p> + + <p>They takes the Tube to Putney, to the kiddies and + the wife,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or takes the air on 'Ampstead with their + gals;</p> + + <p>My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the sweet gorse smellin' in the + sun;</p> + + <p>And the 'eather 'ot and dry, where a tired man may + lie</p> + + <p class="i4">When the long day's done.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's picture-'alls in 'Ammersmith to suit them + mates o' mine;</p> + + <p class="i2">There's beer and 'addock suppers and + cigars;</p> + + <p>But I guess I'd sooner slog it where there's jest + the scent o' pine</p> + + <p class="i2">And over'ead an 'eap o' little stars;</p> + + <p>The lights o' Charin' Cross and Piccadilly,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd swop 'em for the silver of the + streams,</p> + + <p>When the summer moon is lit and the bats begin to + flit</p> + + <p class="i4">And the dark earth dreams.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm goin' back to Blighty, to the little lonesome + lanes,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dog-rose and the foxglove and the + ferns,</p> + + <p>The sleepy country 'orses and the jolty country + wains</p> + + <p class="i2">And the kindly faces every way you + turns;</p> + + <p>My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the sweet gorse smellin' in the + sun;</p> + + <p>And the 'eather good and deep where a tired man may + sleep</p> + + <p class="i4">When the long day's done.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page57" + id="page57"></a>[pg 57]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/57.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/57.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>LONG LIVE THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR!</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page58" + id="page58"></a>[pg 58]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, July 16th</i>.—In the course of a + discussion on "rope" in War-bread Mr. THORNE accused the + West-End bakeries of mixing white flour with the "G.R." + variety, and so supplying their wealthy customers with better + bread than is procurable by his own constituents. Although no + official confirmation of this charge was forthcoming Mr. THORNE + appeared to be convinced of its accuracy. In his opinion the + Government, following the historic example of PHARAOH, should + give the bread to the people and the rope to the bakers.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/58-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/58-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE EMPTY SEAT.</h3>MR. PUNCH DROPS A SILENT TEAR AT + THE DEPARTURE OF ONE OF HIS BEST PUPPETS. + </div> + + <p>It might not be accurate to say that in the matter of beer + the Irishman wants but little here below, but he certainly + wants that little strong; and being, in spite of a popular + impression to the contrary, a seriously-minded person, he + resents any reduction of his gravity. Mr. BRIDGEMAN'S gentle + reminder that no Irish brewer need avail himself of the new + regulations unless he pleases quite failed to satisfy the + Nationalists that a new item had not been added to Ireland's + catalogue of grievances.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 17th</i>.—For some weeks Mr. GINNELL + has been absent from his place. No one has gone so far as to + suggest that the Roll of the House should be called in order to + bring back the hon. Member to his Parliamentary duties. But + considerable curiosity was aroused by his recent statement that + he proposed to make one more appearance at Westminster before + retiring permanently to Ireland to watch over the growth of the + Sinn Fein Republic. To-day was the day. Question 45, "Mr. + Ginnell, to ask the Prime Minister, &c., &c.," was + eagerly awaited. There was no saying that the hon. Member, if + dissatisfied with the reply, would not hurl the Mace at the + CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, so as to ensure a properly + dramatic exit. At last No. 45 was reached; but Mr. GINNELL was + not there to put it. Once more the Saxon intellect had been too + slow to keep up with the swift processes of the Celtic + cerebellum. Mr. GINNELL has on more than one occasion made what + his compatriots call a "holy show" of himself; but he refuses + to do this sort of thing to order.</p> + + <p>Mr. HOUSTON is still harping upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER'S recent confession of his ship-owning gains, and + laboured hard this afternoon to convince the Committee that + shipowners in general were in no sense profiteers. He failed, + however, to avert the wrath of Mr. DENNISS, who declared that + if, after what had been revealed, any shipowner was made a + peer, he should move to abolish the peerage.</p> + + <p>This day the KING in Council decreed that the Royal House + should forthwith abandon all German titles and be known + henceforth as the House of Windsor. No one will be better + pleased than Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, who for months past has been + unsparing in his efforts to purge the Upper House of enemy + peers, and to-night had the satisfaction of seeing a Bill for + that purpose read a second time. His prophecy that such a + measure could be passed in three minutes was not quite borne + out; but that was chiefly because the hon. Member himself + occupied a quarter-of-an-hour in complaining of the + Government's delay in introducing it.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, July 18th</i>.—Sir HENRY DALZIEL has + been labouring under the delusion that the R.N.A.S. and the + R.F.C. are so mortally afraid of trespassing upon one another's + aerial preserves that the former will not attack an enemy plane + travelling over land, or the latter over sea. Dr. MACNAMARA for + the Navy, and Mr. MACPHERSON for the Army, informed him that + there was no truth in the suggestion; but Colonel CLAUDE + LOWTHER, remembering that there were once Two Macs who + delighted in spoofing their audiences, refused to be comforted + until categorically assured that between R.N.A.S. and R.F.C. + there is "sufficient cohesion."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/58-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/58-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>LORD HARDINGE'S CHAMPION.</h3>MR. BALFOUR LETS OUT. + </div> + + <p>This was BALFOUR's day. Never since he gave up the + Leadership of the Unionist Party six years ago has he more + completely dominated the scene. Mr. BONAR LAW had announced + that the Government had on third thoughts decided not to set up + a new tribunal to try the persons affected by the Mesopotamia + Report. The military officers would be dealt with by the Army + Council. As for Lord HARDINGE, the Government, "on the + representations of the FOREIGN SECRETARY," had again refused + his proffered resignation. If any Members disapproved, let them + propose a Vote of Censure or move the adjournment.</p> + + <p>It was perhaps fortunate for the Government that Mr. DILLON + accepted the challenge. During the War the Member for East Mayo + has lost such authority in the House as he once possessed. + Criticism on the conduct of the campaign from one who boasts + that he has never stood upon a recruiting platform lacks + sincerity. Mr. BALFOUR, always at his best when defending a + friend, laid about him lustily, and convinced the majority of + the House, not very friendly at the outset, that it would be an + act of gross injustice to remove a great public servant because + the Commission—on whose evidence, without further + inquiry, you could not hang a cat—had reported adversely + on his conduct in an entirely different capacity.</p> + + <p>To add to the force of this appeal came Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S + striking testimonial—"I + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page59" + id="page59"></a>[pg 59]</span> have known Lord Hardinge from + a boy." After that, small wonder that the House rejected Mr. + Dillon's motion by 176 to 81.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, July 19th.</i>—The only thing that keeps + Mr. Reddy at Westminster is his delight in acting as Chorus to + Major Pretyman Newman. Whenever the hon. and gallant Member + asks a question Mr. Reddy, in a piping voice of remarkable + carrying power, immediately puts another, designed to throw + doubt upon his personal prowess or his military capacity. Major + Newman had several Questions on the Paper this afternoon, and, + as he had just announced the withdrawal of his valuable support + from a Government so lost to all sense of propriety as to + welcome Messrs. Churchill and Montagu to its fold, Mr. Reddy's + comments were awaited with pleasurable anticipation.</p> + + <p>Alas! for once he was not in his place. Even when Major + Newman elicited the damning information that some members of + the Dublin Metropolitan Police occasionally employ a German + barber there was no penetrating voice from the back benches to + ask, "Why doesn't the honourable Mimber go and shave them + himself?"</p> + + <p>Mr. Jowett wants the Home Secretary to withdraw the + permission he gave some time ago "to employ women on the + night-turn in wool-combing." Several much-married Members are + afraid that whatever he may decide the objectionable practice + will continue.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>Scotland For Ever.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They came from untamable highlands,</p> + + <p class="i2">From glens where their fathers were + free,</p> + + <p>From misty and mountainous islands</p> + + <p class="i2">Set fast in the throat of the sea;</p> + + <p>They fought for the honour of Britain;</p> + + <p class="i2">They died in defence of the right;</p> + + <p>Their deeds are in history written</p> + + <p class="i4">In letters of light.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They fell where the Ganges is flowing;</p> + + <p class="i2">They lie 'neath the Russian Redan;</p> + + <p>Their dust o'er the desert is blowing</p> + + <p class="i2">In the whirlwinds of far Kordofan;</p> + + <p>The sons of Glen Orchy and Rannoch</p> + + <p class="i2">Sleep sound by the slow-moving + Scheldt,</p> + + <p>And the bones of the men of Loch Fannich</p> + + <p class="i4">Are white on the veldt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the Lows and Lochmaben and Gairloch</p> + + <p class="i2">Still march to the battle array,</p> + + <p>And the fighters from many a fair loch,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like their fathers, leap forth to the + fray;</p> + + <p>Red flame tears the darkness asunder</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the curtain of battle is drawn,</p> + + <p>Where the clansmen through death-cloud and + thunder</p> + + <p class="i4">Go over at dawn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the strength of the hills and the heather,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the salt of the sea in their + blood,</p> + + <p>They sweep from the trenches together</p> + + <p class="i2">With the force of an onrushing flood;</p> + + <p>Like the billows that beat upon Moidart</p> + + <p class="i2">When gales from the Hobrides blow,</p> + + <p>Like a storm on the mountains of Knoidart</p> + + <p class="i4">They burst on the foe.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/59.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/59.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Hairdresser</i> (<i>with a view to + business—to customer, who is getting rapidly + bald</i>). "There are plenty of hairdressers, you + know, Sir, who profess to make a wig; but, when you've + got it on, it looks nothing like a wig at all, Sir." + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A film-drama:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is the story of the poor orphan daughter of a South + American aristocrat. She has become enamoured of a + tradesman's son, but misapprehension having arisen, she + becomes engaged to a man who apparently is well endowed + with this world's foods."—<i>Leicester Daily + Mercury.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>In these times, who can wonder at her choice?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From an article on the Royal Lineage:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"After the extinction of the Billing + Family...."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A correspondent, writing upon House of Commons' notepaper, + assures us that the above passage is a gross exaggeration.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Charlie D. (Westminster).—We answer you in the + words of Cassius, 'A plague of both your + houses.'"—<i>Town Topics</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Were not the words those of <i>Mercutio</i> when he had + failed to set up a Business Government in Verona?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Apply weed-killers to garden walks and drives, using + every precaution against domestic fowls and other + bird-eating worms."—<i>Irish Gardening</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Very careless of St. Patrick to leave these ornithophagous + reptiles at large.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, Few Men to travel with Hobby + Horses.—Apply Murphy's Steam Galloping Horses, + Abbeyleix, Queen's Co."—<i>Irish Independent</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Now we understand Mr. Ginnell's sudden decision to quit + Westminster.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page60" + id="page60"></a>[pg 60]</span> + + <h2>THE TAP-ROOM.</h2> + + <p>Our Reserve Battalion has a billiard-room, which is well + patronised by all those cheerful souls who have escaped from + France without permanent injury and resignedly await the second + call.</p> + + <p>To-night the "Tap-room" is in top form. A four-handed game + of snooker is in as rapid progress as is reasonably possible. + Every easy-chair is filled with a would-be player offering + gratuitous advice in order to speed things up. A young + war-scarred Captain is balanced on a rickety side-table, + offering odds on the game in a raucous voice. The Mess-waiter + strives to be in three places at once. Through all, the + players, totally unnerved, play with a desperate attempt at + concentration.</p> + + <p>Suddenly the door opens, and the Colonel enters, heated and + out of breath. His eye pierces through the tobacco smoke and + transfixes the unhappy bookmaker. He requests him to take + advantage of his position to open a window. The players examine + the tips of their cues in sudden silence. The Colonel refuses + the offer of six vacated chairs with a slightly impatient + negative and inquires as to the probable length of the game. He + accepts the obvious untruth that it has just ended, smiles with + satisfaction, and proposes to the Adjutant a game of one + hundred up.</p> + + <p>The Colonel, after examining the cues with marked + disapproval, eventually selects one of short length and + pronounced weight. He then appropriates for his sole personal + use the only piece of chalk, demands the spot ball, places it + in position, and endeavours to cast his opponent's ball into a + baulk pocket with a rapid back-hander. The Adjutant sprints + round the table in pursuit.</p> + + <p>The Colonel next addresses his own ball and propels it + violently against the red, which, taken completely by surprise, + bounds with a strong resilience from the top cushion, courses + twice up and down the table and comes to a pause in the + neighbourhood of the middle pocket. The Colonel tests the + elasticity of the cushion with his thumb and gives way a foot + to enable his opponent to begin a neat break of + twenty-seven.</p> + + <p>The Colonel, finding time hanging heavily on his hands, + devotes this period to filling his pipe from a borrowed pouch; + he then tramps determinedly back to the table and is about to + pocket the red from a point of considerable vantage, when the + Adjutant deferentially suggests that he is about to play with + the wrong ball. The Colonel immediately strides round the table + to where his command is clinging to the cushion, lifts the ball + to convince himself that there is a spot on its surface, plants + it back in a slightly more favourable position, and with one + thrust of his cue projects it into open country. He then leaves + the table without awaiting the result and resumes his pipe.</p> + + <p>The Adjutant now compiles a fifteen break, pauses, notices + the Colonel's inattention, and with typical lack of true + discipline pots his opponent's ball and leaves the others in + baulk. A horrified silence ensues. The Colonel, without + noticing the delicacy of the situation, playfully slopes his + "hipe" and marches back to the table. The awful truth is + instantly laid bare. The colour of his face becomes of an + imperial shade. He dumbly fumbles for his ball, which, with a + last bid for exemption, eludes his fingers and rolls under the + table.</p> + + <p>Taking advantage of this the Colonel, with one glance of + concentrated hate in the direction of his opponent, grapples + with his choler, and by the time that his ball is returned + under escort, has partially recovered himself. He is determined + to show to his subalterns the value of coolness in an + emergency. He places his ball with infinite care and walks + round the table to examine the position from every point of + view. His next move is to mark out elaborate angles with the + assistance of chalk marks on the cushions. Having finally + formed all his plans, he encourages his artillery with a few + more rounds of chalk, approaches the field with studied and + dignified calm, delivers his attack, and retires to watch the + effect from his O. Pip.</p> + + <p>His command, flying desperately across the open, loses + direction, blunders hopelessly into an obstruction on the + flank, retires in confusion, and makes a blind despairing dash + for a shell-crater. Missing this by a fraction it loses all + interest in life, wanders pitifully off at an unnatural angle, + runs into the hostile force of the Adjutant, and comes finally + into contact with the red.</p> + + <p>The Colonel hastens to remark to the enthusiastic audience + that this cannon only proves the possibilities of the noble + game when accuracy is achieved. It is calculated to improve + their marksmanship, to teach them to grasp an opportunity, to + apply their tactical training, and to render them cool in the + hour of crisis.</p> + + <p>Inspired by this truth he attempts to pull off an awkward + losing hazard. This effort is ruined by an appalling miscue + which affects the new cloth. The Colonel justly blames the + chalk, removes the pet-dog of the battalion from his path with + his foot, and makes for the scoring-board. The volunteer marker + inadvertently puts the Colonel's modest score on to the large + total of the Adjutant.</p> + + <p>At this critical moment an orderly fortunately arrives with + a note from the Brigade office. The Colonel secures the + missive, tears the envelope to shreds, runs his eye over the + trivial contents, and curses the War. He then assumes an air of + enormous importance, excuses himself, and stamps out into the + night.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/60.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/60.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Ancient Heroine</i>. "IT'S BEEN A + TRYIN' TIME FOR ME, MRS. BLOGGS. MY SAVIN'S-BANK BOOK + WAS UP IN LUNNON ALL THROUGH THE AIR-RAID." + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It may be the bravery of ignorance that induces us to + take this point of view, but the locality excuses ignorance + to some extent, and the bravery still exists: Ovid has a + line that might be learnt with advantage by our + readers—</p> + + <p>"'Falliker augurio, spes bona saepe + sus.'"—<i>Nigerian Pioneer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We do not recall this line in OVID; but the locality is + notoriously unfavourable to Latin quotation. As HORACE says, + <i>Hic Niger est; hunc tu, Romane, caveto</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/61.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Officer</i>. "WANT A NEW MESS-TIN, DO YOU? WHERE'S + YOUR OLD ONE?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "I HAVEN'T GOT IT, SIR." <i>Officer.</i> + "WHY NOT?"</p> + + <p><i>Private</i>. "PLEASE, SIR, THERE'S A CHATEAU ON TOP + OF IT, SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>DR. SULLIVAN.</h2> + + <p>It had been decided that there never was such a resemblance + as is to be traced between my homely features and those of a + visitor to the same hotel last year—Dr. Sullivan of + Wigley Street. This had become an established fact irrefutable + like a proposition of Euclid and one of my new friends, who was + also a friend of the Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street who had so + satisfyingly and minutely anticipated my countenance, made it + the staple of his conversation. "Isn't Mr. Blank," he would say + to this and that <i>habitué</i> of the smoking-room as + they dropped in from the neighbouring farms at night, "the very + image of Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was here last + year?" And they would subject my physiognomy to a searching + study and agree that I was. Perhaps the nose—a little + bigger, don't you think? or a shade of dissimilarity between + the chins (he having, I suppose, only two, confound him!), but + taking it all round the likeness was extraordinary.</p> + + <p>This had been going on for some time, until I was + accustomed, if not exactly inured, to it, and was really rather + looking forward to the time when, on returning to London, I + could trump up a sufficient ailment to call upon my double in + Wigley Street and scrutinize him with my own eyes. But last + night my friend had something of a set-back, which may + possibly, by deflecting his conversation to other topics, give + me relief. I hope so.</p> + + <p>It happened like this. We were sitting in the smoking-room + as usual, he and I, when another local acquaintance + entered—one who, I gathered, had been away for a few + weeks and whom I had therefore not yet seen, and who (for this + was the really important thing to my friend) consequently had + not yet seen me.</p> + + <p>In course of time the inevitable occurred. "Don't you + think," my friend asked, "that Mr. Blank is the very image of + Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was here last summer?"</p> + + <p>"What Dr. Sullivan's that?" the newcomer inquired.</p> + + <p>"Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was fishing here last + summer. Don't you remember him? The very image of Mr. + Blank."</p> + + <p>"The only Dr. Sullivan I know," replied the newcomer, "is + Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle. He's a very old man by now. A very + learned man too. He has a wonderful private museum. + He—"</p> + + <p>"No, no, the Dr. Sullivan I mean was From Wigley + Street—a specialist—who took the Manor fishing last + summer and stayed in the hotel."</p> + + <p>"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle is a very old man—much + older than Mr. Blank here, and not a bit like him. He's a most + interesting personality. He is the great authority on the South + Sea Islanders. You should see his collection of Fiji war + clubs."</p> + + <p>"But that's not the Dr. Sullivan I mean. You must remember + him," said my impresario; "we all used to meet evening after + evening, just as we're doing now—Dr. Sullivan of Wigley + Street, the specialist, a clean-shaven big man, exactly like + Mr. Blank here. Everyone has noticed the likeness."</p> + + <p>"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle has a beard," said the newcomer. + "And he's a very old man by now. A great receptacle of + miscellaneous learning. He showed me once his collection of + coins and medals. He's got coins back to the Roman Emperors and + stories about every one of them. His collection—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, but—"</p> + + <p>"—of idols is amazing. You never saw such comic + figures as those natives worship. There's nothing he doesn't + collect. He's got a mummy covered with blue beads. He's got + skulls from all over the world, showing different formations. + It's some years—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, but—"</p> + + <p>"—since I saw him last, and of course he may + be—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, but—"</p> + + <p>"—dead. But if not he's a man worth knowing. If ever + you go to Newcastle don't forget about him. But he must be very + old by now. He—"</p> + + <p>At this point I finished my glass and slipped away to bed. + Consulting the mirror as I undressed, I smiled at the + reflection that confronted me. "You can sleep well to-night," I + said, "for there are signs that you are about to have a + rest."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Dr. von Bethmann-Hollweg and Herr Michaelis.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Michaelis.</i> I have called partly because I desired to + offer my most tactful condolences to my distinguished + predecessor in the high office which I hold, and partly because + I thought you might be willing to give me some hints as to my + conduct, for I should like to leave nothing undone that might + make me a successful Chancellor.</p> + + <p><i>Von Bethmann-Hollweg.</i> Upon my word you are even more + kind and considerate than I had expected. Even to exchange a + word with a fallen Chancellor is a sign both of kindness and + courage. I wonder how you could screw yourself up to the pitch + of being so daring.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> I am glad you think so, for that is how I myself + felt it.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> Well, we will leave your courage out of the + question. It is sufficiently proved by your acceptance of the + Chancellorship. As to such advice as I am able to give, I must + ask you first whether you are ready to have the boots of the + All-Highest constantly wiped upon various parts of your + person?</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> A true Prussian endures that with difficulty.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> But a true Prussian, it seems, can accustom + himself to this form of friendship and confidence as to many + others.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> What others do you speak of?</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> My worthy Michaelis, you really must have + covered your eyes and stopped your ears ever since you were + born, otherwise you could not possibly be so ignorant. Do you + not know that if your great and beloved says a foolish thing or + does an indiscreet one it will be your duty to shoulder the + responsibility for it? And you can easily calculate yourself + during how many hours of the day your back is likely to be + without a burden of some sort. And mind you, you are not to + expect to receive any gratitude for your toil.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> But he speaks a kind word now and then, doesn't + he?</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> A kind word? Ha-ha. When I think of all + that I have done for that man, the acts I have defended, the + stupidities I have tried to convert into statesmanship, the + tempers I have been the butt of, the childish insults I have + had to tolerate, the theatricalities I have been compelled to + treat as if they were the most glorious manifestations of + Imperial splendour—when I think of all this and realise + that he and I are both still alive, I marvel at such a + spectacle of human endurance.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> I must confess you are not very cheerful or very + encouraging.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> I did not set out to cheer you up or to + encourage you, but I thought it just as well that someone + should tell you the truth.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> Why aren't you glad then at having dropped your + burden?</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> I own I ought to be, but, as you hint, I am + not. There are ways of doing things, and there is a real + difference in walking quietly through a door and being kicked + out through it with all possible violence.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> But you have had the Hohenzollern Order presented + to you and the All-Highest has written you with his own + gracious hand a letter.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> <i>Verbosa et grandis epistola venit a + Capreïs.</i> As for the Hohenzollern Order I don't care a + snap of the fingers for it. Nor will you when your time + comes.</p> + + <p><i>M.</i> I hope that will not be for many years.</p> + + <p><i>Von B.-H.</i> For your sake I hope your time may be + short. In any case I must thank you most warmly for your + tactful condolences.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>The Rest-Rumour.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know not in what rodent-haunted caverns</p> + + <p class="i2">By what rough tongues the tale was first + expressed,</p> + + <p>By choking fires or in the whispering taverns</p> + + <p class="i2">With wine and omelette lovingly + caressed,</p> + + <p class="i4">Or what tired soul, o'erladen with a + lump</p> + + <p class="i4">Of bombs and bags which someone + <i>had</i> to hump,</p> + + <p class="i4">Flung down his load indignant at the + Dump</p> + + <p class="i2">And, cursing, cried, "<i>It's time we had + a rest!</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so, maybe, began it. Some sly runner,</p> + + <p class="i2">Half-hearing, half-imagining, no + doubt,</p> + + <p>Caught up the word and gave it to a gunner,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he, embroidering, 'twas noised + about</p> + + <p class="i4">From lip to lip in many a trench's + press</p> + + <p class="i4">Where working parties struggled to + progress</p> + + <p class="i4">Or else go back, but both without + success,</p> + + <p class="i2">"<i>Officer says Division's going + out.</i>"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It found the Front. It came up with the rations;</p> + + <p class="i2">The Corporals carried it from hole to + hole;</p> + + <p>And scouts behaved in strange polemic fashions</p> + + <p class="i2">On what they thought would be their last + patrol;</p> + + <p class="i4">While Fritz, of course, from whom few + things are hid,</p> + + <p class="i4">Had the romance as soon as any did,</p> + + <p class="i4">And said, thank William, he would soon be + rid</p> + + <p class="i2">Of yon condemned disturbers of his + soul.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor were there few confirming little trifles,</p> + + <p class="i2">For James, rejoining from the Base, had + scann'd</p> + + <p>Strange waiting infantry with brand-new rifles,</p> + + <p class="i2">In backward areas, but close at hand;</p> + + <p class="i4">And some had marked the D.A.Q.M.G.</p> + + <p class="i4">Approaching Railhead in the dusk, and + he</p> + + <p class="i4">(Who, as a fact, was simply on the + spree)</p> + + <p class="i2">Had gone, of course, to view the Promised + Land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And what a land! Who had not heard its promise?</p> + + <p class="i2">A land of quietude and no grenades,</p> + + <p>Soft beds for officers, fair barns for Tommies,</p> + + <p class="i2">And rich estaminets and gracious + maids,</p> + + <p class="i4">And half-an-hour from Abbeville by the + train</p> + + <p class="i4">A land of rivulets and golden grain</p> + + <p class="i4">(Where it would be impossible to + train</p> + + <p class="i2">And even difficult to have parades)!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then it appeared the groom of General Harrison</p> + + <p class="i2">Had news denied to ordinary men,</p> + + <p>How the Brigade was going home to garrison</p> + + <p class="i2">A restful corner of the Lincoln fen;</p> + + <p class="i4">But weeks have passed and we are as we + were;</p> + + <p class="i4">And possibly, when Peace is in the + air</p> + + <p class="i4">And these dear myths have died of sheer + despair,</p> + + <p class="i2">They may come true—but not, I + think, till then.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Feline Amenities.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Cats' Happy Holiday Home—Wired garden, Home + comforts, References"—<i>Church Family + Newspaper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a notice of "Three Weeks":—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Queen of Croatia, one of those convenient operatic + Balham royalties...."—<i>Liverpool Daily + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Won't Tooting be jealous!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To one who has been long enough away from the centre of + things almost to forget what it is like, a walk along Pall + Mall yesterday brought some curious reflections. From the + Circus to Hyde Park Corner not a single luxurious private + motor-car or horse-drawn carriage was to be seen. It was + not the Pall Mall of old days."—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No, it seems to have been much more like Piccadilly.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Troop-ship Officer</i>. "ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, + SIR?"</p> + + <p><i>Enterprising American</i>. "I GUESS SO. I'M THE + CINEMATOGRAPH OPERATOR WHO'S GOING TO TAKE A FILM THE FIRST + TIME YOU'RE TORPEDOED, AND I'VE GOT A LETTER FROM YOUR + FOLKS INSTRUCTING YOU TO GIVE ME EVERY FACILITY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A SURPRISE PARTY.</h2> + + <p>"Five-and-thirty wounded Tommies coming to tea and one of + them coming to his death, but he doesn't know it," moaned + Emily, and waved a knife round her head.</p> + + <p>I saw what had happened. All this bun-baking and cake-making + had been too much for my poor wife. She had been living in the + oven for a week.</p> + + <p>"You're overdone. Lie down and try to get a little nap + before they come," I said soothingly. "Everything's ready."</p> + + <p>"Will he die without a sound, or will he gurgle?" said + Emily, and brought the knife within an inch of my nose.</p> + + <p>"No one is going to die at our tea-party, dear," I said, and + ducked.</p> + + <p>"Not after swallowing <i>that</i>?" shrieked Emily, and + lunged at me with the knife again.</p> + + <p>I got it firmly by the handle this time, and I recognised + Emily's special cake-knife, an instrument wrought to perfection + by long years of service, sharp as a razor down both sides, + with a flexible tip that slithered round a basin and scooped up + the last morsels of candied-peel.</p> + + <p>But the flexible tip was gone. I understood Emily's + distraught condition. You can replace a diamond tiara; money + won't buy a twenty-year-old cake-knife.</p> + + <p>"Try and bear it, dear," I said.</p> + + <p>Emily pointed to the table weighed down with Madeiras and + rocks and almonds and sultanas and gingers. "It's inside one of + them," she said.</p> + + <p>For the moment I failed to grasp her meaning. She explained. + "I've made six dozen. The knife was all right when I started; a + little bent, nothing more. It was when I was mixing the last + that I noticed the tip was missing."</p> + + <p>It was a difficult position. There was no time to submit the + cakes to the X-rays; the advance party was streaming through + the gate.</p> + + <p>"Dear fellows! I wonder which one it will be," said Emily, + and clung round my neck.</p> + + <p>I put her on one side. "I'll manage it; leave it to me," I + said, and went forward and welcomed our guests. My mind was + working clearly and rapidly, as it always does in a crisis. + When I had got them seated round the tea-table, "My dear + friends," I said, "this isn't a Christmas party, but my wife + couldn't help indulging in a little Christmas fun. She's just + whispered to me that she's put a surprise in one of the cakes. + I know her. It won't be an ordinary sort of surprise. I should + advise you all to keep a sharp look-out. There's a pound" (it + was worth a pound to save a hero's throat from being cut) "for + the man who finds anything in his cake which hasn't any + business to be there."</p> + + <p>Within five minutes two pebbles, a tin-tack, a chunk of wood + and a black-beetle were on the tablecloth....</p> + + <p>"Do you know that flutter's cost me five pounds, and there + wasn't a sign of your infernal knife after all?" I said to + Emily when they'd gone.</p> + + <p>"I've just found it under the kitchen table," said Emily. "I + <i>am</i> thankful."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"This company's year ended on the 40th June, and a good + distribution is looked for by the market."—<i>Journal + of Commerce</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>With such help from the calendar any company should do + well.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>THE SIGNAL SECTION.</h2> + + <p>You know how the great hunter who sleeps with his gun at his + pillow is awake in an instant, with all his faculties alert, + when the sacred spider breaks a twig in the jungle? You + remember how the handsome highwayman, at the first far clatter + of hoofs on the great North Road, is up and out on the scullery + roof of the inn before you have turned the page, and is deep in + Lonely Copse (wearing the serving-wench's stomacher) before his + first fat pursuer has said, "Open in the name of the Law," + below his window? Well, like Jimmy's bloodhound in + <i>Punch</i>, I am very good at that.</p> + + <p>But it is a telephone-bell that does it. You go down + seventy-two steps—backwards, or you hit your + head—to a German room, which smells German, and you will + find my boudoir, furnished with sandbags, a shaving mirror and + a telephone.</p> + + <p>At eleven o'clock I lie on the sandbags and, like the great + hunter, close my eyes immediately in dreamless sleep.</p> + + <p>At five minutes past eleven the telephone-bell rings.</p> + + <p>That is what I am good at. I leap to my feet and say + "Hullo!"</p> + + <p>Utter silence follows, save (as Mr. BEACH THOMAS would say) + for the monotonous drone of the great shells bursting + outside.</p> + + <p>I repeat my original remark. "Hullo!" I say brightly, + "Hullo!... Hullo!"</p> + + <p>I shake the microphone. It sounds as though sand had got + into it, and still there is silence. The minutes creep on and + my voice begins to fail. Outside in the quiet night a solitary + gas-alarm chirps a few quiet notes to the stars and is still. I + continue to say "Hullo!"</p> + + <p>At eleven-fifteen the operator at the other end finishes the + story of what he said to her and what she, on the other hand, + said to him, and turns refreshed to his instrument.</p> + + <p>With a dexterous twist of his wrist he sounds a deafening + peal in the bell at my ear, and says, "Hullo!"</p> + + <p>I retaliate. When the score is vantage out, I put all the + red tabs I can into my voice, and his tone changes. He is at + once the cheerful and willing artisan, eager to please.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir ... Yes, Sir ... Who do you want, Sir? This is Zed + Esses Pip Ack five, Sir ..."</p> + + <p>"You called me," I say.</p> + + <p>He is more hurt than angry at that. "Oh, no, Sir. You rang + me up, Sir. This is Zed Esses ..."</p> + + <p>I nip that in the bud by saying "Hullo!" very loud. He + realizes that the game is up.</p> + + <p>"Speak to Division, Sir," he says curtly, and clicks before + I can answer. A faint far gnat-voice says, "Is that Zed + Ess?"</p> + + <p>"No," I shout. "What the ..."</p> + + <p>"Through to Division," says gnat-voice and clicks me off. + Another voice carries on the good work. Upstairs the shells + burst playfully on the parapet, and under the starlit sky a gas + cloud drifts slowly across the fields, almost hiding the cattle + who are grazing peacefully there in the long wet grass.</p> + + <p>At midnight I am through to Division.</p> + + <p>"Is that you?" says Division. "There is a list ..."</p> + + <p>"Finished, please?" says the operator so near and loud that + I jump.</p> + + <p>Division and I are at one here—we are agreed that we + have not finished. Like the Brothers Crosstalk, we say so + simultaneously, using the same swearword.</p> + + <p>The operator clicks off, baffled.</p> + + <p>"That list of men for a bombing course," says Division.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir," I reply brightly, though my heart sinks.</p> + + <p>"You ought to have sent it in at 6 P.M.," says Division. + "And it has not yet arrived."</p> + + <p>I look at my wrist-watch, but realise too late that this + graceful gesture is lost on him. "I am sorry, Sir," I reply + with dignity, "but the delay was inevitable. It shall be with + you on the breakfast-table. The difficulty of communication in + this great War ..."</p> + + <p>Division laughs sardonically.</p> + + <p>At ten minutes past twelve I go to bed again, and at + twelve-fifteen an orderly shines an electric torch in my eyes + in order to prevent my reading a wire which he hands me. It + says, "Ref. your S.C. 1985 please ask PIG if they have salvaged + any German socks. A.A.A. urgent."</p> + + <p>I stand up, and the orderly, completely unnerved by the + sight of a Staff Captain in undress uniform, releases the + button of his torch and retires under cover of darkness.</p> + + <p>I twirl the handle of the telephone and listen. There is + silence. I turn it again with vigour. For twenty minutes I + behave like an organ-grinder. Towards dawn the bell rings and I + receive an electric shock.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" says the operator.</p> + + <p>I tell him what I think of him. When I have finished the sun + is up and the first aeroplane is dropping its glad bombs on the + dewy earth below.</p> + + <p>I demand PIG. PIG is a Machine Gun Company. By + breakfast-time I have discovered that PIG has salvaged socks, + German, one.</p> + + <p>I ring up Division ...</p> + + <p>It is a splendid force, as they used to say in <i>The + Message from Mars</i>—it is a splendid force, the Signal + Service.</p> + + <p>And men sleeping among the rats in the front line wake for + their coffee and hot water and envy me my undisturbed + nights.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>New Tenant</i> (<i>digging up lawn and waste ground, + to agent</i>). "CAN YOU INFORM ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE MAN + WHO OWNED THIS PLACE BEFORE ME?"</p> + + <p><i>House Agent</i>. "ER—HE'S IN FRANCE."</p> + + <p><i>Tenant</i>. "UM. WELL, I HOPE HE COMES BACK. + SAFELY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Vienna <i>Die Zeit</i> considers the political + crisis in Germany as one of the chief consequences of the + political utterances of English, American and French + statesmen, demanding the demoralisation of + Germany."—<i>Sunday Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It seems superfluous.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It is authoritatively announced that the American + troops fighting in France will very shortly receive steel + helmets, the design of the helmets being very similar to + those worn by the French and British forces, but bearing, + as insignia, the United States coat of + mail."—<i>Daily Graphic</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Head-protection is very necessary, but isn't this rather + overdoing it?</p> +<br /> +<hr class="full" size="5" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, JULY 25, 1917***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 11704-h.txt or 11704-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/0/11704">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/0/11704</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, July 25, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 24, 2004 [eBook #11704] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, JULY 25, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11704-h.htm or 11704-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/0/11704/11704-h/11704-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/0/11704/11704-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +JULY 25, 1917 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Not one of the morning papers advocated the appointment of Sir Eric +Geddes to be First Lord of the Admiralty. A big scoop this for the +Government. + + *** + +A shortage of paper yarns is reported from Germany. The coarser +varieties have apparently all been monopolised by the Imperial +Government. + + *** + +A foolish rumour is going the rounds to the effect that a music-hall +comedian has confessed that he has never made a joke about the Mess in +Mesopotamia. It is feared that the recent hot weather has affected the +poor fellow. + + *** + +In the absence of the sea-serpent this year a tope weighing +thirty-nine pounds has been captured at Hastings. The fisherman who +caught it declares that if he had known it was a tope at the time he +would not have been in such a hurry to sign the pledge. + + *** + +The Food-Controller is calling for strict economy in the use of ice. +It is not generally known that after it has been warmed a little in +front of the fire the stuff will keep almost indefinitely. + + *** + +The order prohibiting the use of enemy languages over the telephone +is said to be causing some inconvenience. Several persons intercepted +by the operator in the course of a guttural conversation have been +subsequently shown to have been talking Swiss. + + *** + +A Pittsburg inventor is reported by Mr. MARCONI to have discovered a +method of bottling light. If he can bottle anything lighter than the +new Government ale his claim to be a wizard is established. + + *** + +A safe weighing three hundredweight has been stolen from a branch post +office in the Gray's Inn Road. It is believed that in the excitement +caused by an air-raid alarm it was snatched up by a customer who +mistook it for his hat. + + *** + +A man applied at Willesden Police Court recently for advice as to what +he should do with a loaf of War bread which was uneatable, as he dared +not destroy it and could not eat it. His only objection to keeping +it as a pet was a fear that it would never become really fond of +children, although it might in time prove a good house-guard with +which to ward off burglars. + + *** + +At the Birmingham Assizes a man has been sent to prison for publishing +a pamphlet entitled "Questions for Parsons." He now contemplates a new +pamphlet entitled "Back Answers to the Bench." + + *** + +Owing to the fact that the political situation is not quite clear in +Germany the Reichstag has been adjourned. It is expected also that an +attempt will be made to adjourn the War. + + *** + +A writer in _English Mechanics_ declares that a cornet played near +caterpillars will cause them to drop to the ground and die. We +understand that the R.S.P.C.A. plead with allotment-holders to destroy +these pests by a less gruesome method. + + *** + +A motor lorry laden with petrol dashed into the front of a house at +Hazelgrove when the family was not at home. It is only fair to say +that the driver did not know they were out. + + *** + +The Barcelona-to-Bilbao motor race has been postponed owing to strikes +in Spain. A few sharp lessons like this will, we feel certain, have +the effect of discouraging the habit of striking. + + *** + +Some men, said a man before the Swindon Guardians, take up angling in +order to go into the country to enjoy a smoke. It is not known why the +others do it. + + *** + +The Board of Agriculture point out that there is an abundant supply +of kippers on the market at reasonable prices. This will come as a +great boon to music-hall audiences, who find that the kippers used +by comedians are getting rather frayed at the edges through constant +wear. + + *** + +"Bad language is used at Billingsgate not so much by the porters as by +the buyers," said a witness at a City inquest last week. A purchaser +at this market declares that the language is often provoked by the +fish. Only last week he had a heated argument with a very talkative +haddock. + + *** + +England has lost first place in Germany, for America is said to be +the most hated country now. The morning hate of the German family with +ragtime obbligato must be a terrible thing. + + *** + +"The National Service Department," said Mr. Beck in the House of +Commons, "is desirous of remaining where it is." If we are to believe +all we read it will take a great deal to move this department. + + *** + +"Cod liver oil," says a weekly paper, "is the secret of health." Smith +minor sincerely regrets that our contemporary has not kept the secret. + + *** + +The _Vossische Zeitung_, referring to the appointment of Dr. +Michaelis, says "there is no chance of his clubbing together with the +big industrialists and misguided agitators." So long however as they +are clubbed separately we shall not grumble. + + *** + +Waste-paper in Westminster, it is stated, has gone up from L2 10s. to +L7 a ton. Why, it is asked, cannot the Government come to the rescue +and publish the full reports of the Dardanelles and Mesopotamia +Commissions? + + *** + +Boxes of matches with jokes on them, we are told, are now on sale. +Several correspondents who were charged twopence for a box complain +that they are unable to see the joke. + + *** + +An Irish newspaper, _The Kilkenny People_, has been suppressed for +seditious utterances. People are wondering what it can possibly have +said. + + *** + +There will be no flag-day on August 26th. + + *** + +A girl clerk in a Surrey bank has explained a shortage of a half-penny +in her postage-stamps by admitting that she swallowed one. It is +thought that the extremely low price tempted her. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Hand_. "Flies seem pretty awful out here, +Corporal." + +_Hardened Campaigner_. "Wot flies?"] + + * * * * * + +ON VIMY RIDGE. + +_TO B.S.B., JULY 11TH_. + + On Vimy Ridge I sit at rest + With Loos and Lens outspread below; + An A.D.C.--the very best-- + Expounds the panoramic show; + Lightly I lunch, and never yet + Has quite so strong an orchestration + Supplied the music while I ate + My cold collation. + + Past Avion through the red-roofed town + There at our feet our white line runs; + Fresnoy's defences, smoking brown, + Shudder beneath our shattering guns; + Pop-pop!--and Archie's puffs have blurred + Some craft engaged to search the Bosch out-- + I hold my breath until the bird + Signals a wash-out. + + Scarce I believe the vision real, + That here for life and death they fight; + A "Theatre of War," I feel, + Has set its stage for my delight, + Who occupy, exempt from toll, + This auditorium, green and tufty, + Guest of the Management and sole + Object in mufti. + + And now along the fretted ground + Where Canada's "BYNG Boys" stormed their way, + I go conducted on the round + That GEORGE OF WINDSOR did to-day; + Immune he trod that zone of lead, + And how should I, who just write verses, + Hope to attract to my poor head + Their "Perishing Percies"? + + Bapaume had nearly been my tomb; + And greatly flattered I should be + If I could honestly assume + The beastly shell was meant for me; + But though my modesty would shun + To think this thought (or even say it), + I feel I owe the KAISER one + And hope to pay it. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO CURE THE BOSCH. + +"Yes, I seen a good bit o' the Bosch, one way and another, before he +got me in the leg," said Corporal Digweed. "Eighteen months I had +with 'im spiteful, and four months with 'im tame. Meaning by that four +months guarding German prisoners." + +"And what do you think of him at the end of it?" I asked. + +Digweed leant back with a heavily judicial air. + +"Some o' these Peace blighters seem to think he's a little angel, +basin' their opinion, I suppose, on something I must 'a' missed during +my time out. On the other hand there's a tidy few thinks that one +German left will spoil the earth. Now me, I holds they're both wrong. +The second's nearer than what the first is, I don't deny. But a +incident what occurred in that Prisoners' Camp set me thinking that +you might make something o' Fritz yet, if you only had the time and +the patience. + +"We had a batch of prisoners come in what I saw at once was +a different brand to the usual. There wasn't that--well, that +distressin' lack o' humility that you mostly finds showin' itself +after we've had them a week or two. There seemed about 'em almost a +sort o' willingness to learn that put 'em in a class by themselves. +I sez to the interpreter, 'There's something odd about that lot. You +find out what it is;' which he does. And what do you think it was? +_They was convicts_. All men in for a long term, what had served five +years and more o' their sentences and was let out to fight. + +"It seemed to me at first the rummiest thing that ever I see. But I've +thought it over and thought it over, and now it's as clear as day. +When the Bosch is kept in a watertight compartment for a bit, he +gets back to being more or less of a human being. His whole trouble's +really through being surrounded by other Bosches. They get tellin' +each other what a great nation they are, and how they was born to +inherit the earth, and that it's only forestalling nature a bit to go +and take it now, and so on--each going one better than the last. They +keep on contaminatin' one another till what do you get? Why, me and +you spending our old age a-teaching of 'em humility. + +"Now, with these 'ere convicts it was another story. 'Stead o' keep +talkin' about German culture and what rotters all the rest o' the +world was, their heads had plenty o' time to cool while they picked +their oakum or what not--resultin' in quite a fairly decent lot o' +men, as I say. Yes, it's very interesting and instructive. I believe +it's the solution of the question, 'How to cure the Bosch,' I do. If +you could keep 'em all apart from each other for five years you'd find +they'd be quite different. I daresay they wouldn't mind it so much +either." + +"If I was a Bosch I should be thankful," I said. "But wouldn't there +be difficulties about this segregation?" + +Digweed waved them aside. + +"There's always difficulties," he said. "But you mark my words, that's +the thing to do. It would help it along, too, to give 'em the right +sort of books and papers to read. Why, if you worked the thing +properly, they might mostly be cured in two years or two and a half." + +I shook my head. "There are some you'll never cure," I said. + +"There'd be stubborn cases, I won't deny. And a few incurables, as +you say. But the first thing to do is to advertise the idea. You make +a speech about it, Sir. When you're proposing a vote of thanks to +a Duchess for openin' a bazaar, you bring it up. I've heard people +before now take that kind of opportunity to bring something forward +what they'd got on their chest." + +"I'm not likely to get a chance like that," I said; "but I'll see if I +can write an article about it." + +Whether Digweed will consider the article worthy of the subject I +cannot say. Perhaps the Editor of _Punch_ is less fastidious. + + * * * * * + +FOR OUR SAILORS. + +The current week is "Navy Week," and Mr. Punch begs to urge his kind +friends to take their part in the great organised effort to raise a +large sum for the benefit of our sailors and their families--R.N., +R.N.R., R.N.V.R., trawlers and mine-sweepers. The nation owes them +all a debt that can never be paid. The fund is to be administered on +the lines of King Edward's Hospital Fund. An All-American matinee +will be given in this good cause at the Victoria Palace on Thursday, +July 26th, and _Trelawny of the Wells_ (with Miss IRENE VANBRUGH) at +the New Theatre on Friday. Gifts for the fund may be addressed to +Commodore Sir RICHARD WILLIAMS-BULKELEY, Bt., at the offices of "Navy +Week," 5, Green Street, Leicester Square, W.C. 2. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_to cadet_). "SIT BACK, SIR! SIT BACK! +THINK WOT A BLINKIN' FOOL YOU'D LOOK IF 'IS 'EAD WAS TO COME ORF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXIII. + +My dear Charles,--I never meant to give myself away; I meant to go +on talking about the old War till the end, just as if I was taking a +leading part in it, so that you should have still believed I was doing +the bull-dog business with the best of them. But no, let me be honest +and tell you that I have practically ceased to be a dog. The only +painful connection I can boast of recently with the War is that, +having cause to travel from place to place in this country, I was +unhappy enough to strike six meatless days in succession, which gave +me to think that even embusquing in France has its drawbacks. On +the seventh day I was accused, by good people who know not Thomas, +of being (1) a Russian, (2) an American, (3) a Belgian, and (4) an +Irishman, which made me feel that these gaudy colours I have burst +into are not so famous as I supposed; and on the eighth day I find +myself insulted in twenty-seven places by an angry mosquito, whom in +the small hours of the morning I had occasion to rap over the knuckles +and turn out of my billet. And I've got a nasty cold, and nobody loves +me or cleans my buttons, and if I want to go anywhere there are no +more motor cars and they make me pay a penny for the tram, and my wife +doesn't think I'm a hero any longer, and little James is being taught +to blush and look away and start another subject when anybody says +"Dad-dad," and (if you can believe this) I've just been made to pay a +franc-and-a-half for a tin of bully beef. + +But you don't sympathise, not a bit of it; why should you? I +shouldn't if I were in your place. I should just cut off the supply +of cigarettes and shaving-soap, stop wishing me good luck, and, with +haughty contempt, say, "Call yourself a soldier!" Nevertheless, my +friend, whatever I may _be_, I _look_ extraordinarily magnificent, so +much so that a short-sighted Major has taken his pipe out of his mouth +as I have drawn near and has as good as saluted me. When he saw I was +only a Captain (and a temporary Captain at that) he tried to cover his +mistake; but he didn't deceive me; he didn't need to take his pipe out +of his mouth in order to scratch his head, did he? + +There is this to be said about being at war, you never know what is +going to happen to you next. For the most part this is just as well. +There is, however, a decent percentage of pleasant surprises, which +is, I suppose, the only thing that makes the business tolerable. No +orderly ever came up to the trenches, when I was in them, but he +gave rise to the hope that he had orders for me to come out at once +and command in chief. Some such orderly did arrive at last, but the +instructions he gave me said nothing about taking over the B.E.F. +Nevertheless orders were orders and I obeyed them and came out. Having +a private conversation with Fortune on the way down the communication +trench, I thanked her very sincerely for her kindness and said I was +so grateful that I would never ask her for anything else. + +But you know human nature as well as I do; I soon found myself saying +what a hard life it was in an office, and how one missed the open-air +life one had with one's regiment and the healthy appetite it gave +one. Besides which, as I pointed out to Fortune, my solid worth wasn't +being recognised as it should be. "I don't ask for favours," I told +her. "All I ask is bare justice." Now, if I'd been Fortune, Charles, +and a man had spoken to me like that, after all I'd done for him, I'd +have had him marching up that communication trench again, with a full +pack, at five o'clock in the very next forenoon. + +But Fortune, ever kind and forgiving, did no such thing. She +did remonstrate with me gently of nights, when the noise of the +bombardments was particularly fierce and prolonged. "What about those +poor fellows right up in front," she said, "who are sitting out in +the wind and the rain and going through _that_?" "Yes," said I, +"what about them? Can't you do something for them? Do you know that +this is their fourth night of it in succession, and the only bit of +change you've been able to give them was sleet instead of rain on the +Sunday?" That used to put Fortune in the cart, and she'd try and work +the conversation round to my own case again. But what with the wind +and the noise and the downpour and the mud, I was too hot on the +other subject, and I said that Fortune ought to be ashamed of herself, +carrying on like that; and it was a disgraceful war and the police +ought to stop it, and I'd a very good mind to write to the papers +about it. + +Then the next day would be fine and dry and warm, and it would be +early closing for the Bosch artillery, and the infantry would go +marching past my office window, whistling and singing and behaving as +if the whole thing was a jolly old picnic; and who'd be an inkslinger +in such weather? And Fortune, modestly intruding, would say to me +casually, "I think I've arranged that rather well, don't you?" + +"Ah, you've arranged something at last, have you?" I'd say, assuming +that she must be thinking about me, and I'd open my official envelopes +with an unusual interest, feeling practically sure that one of them +must contain immediate orders for me--the one and only me--to proceed +forthwith to England and reorganise the War Office, taking over a +couple of six-cylinder cars and a furnished flat in St. James's for +the purpose. + +Poor old Fortune! what could she say next? She'd look at me, more in +sorrow than in anger, and murmur, "Aren't you forgetting that this is +a war and you are supposed to be fighting it?" Did I blush for shame? +Not I. As bold as brass I'd look old Fortune straight in the face +and, with righteous indignation, would say, "I know as well as you do, +Ma'am, that it is a war; but there's no reason why it shouldn't be a +_just_ war." Thinking it out I have never been quite able to see what +I meant by that, as applied to my own case. However, I seem to have +said the right thing, and it appears to have impressed Fortune very +considerably, because--well, Charles, here I am. + +Yet if there is justice in this world (and I subsist on the confident +hope and belief that there is not) I know what the end of it must be. +That confounded orderly, turned traitor, will one day search me out, +however far I may have wandered from the battlefield meanwhile, and, +saluting ironically, will hand me an envelope marked "Urgent, secret, +confidential, personal, private." The contents will be a piece of news +and some orders, and all that Fortune will have had to do with it +will be to attach a forwarding slip, "Passed to you, please, for your +information and necessary action." The news will be that for everyone +else the War is over, and the infantry and the rest of them will take +over forthwith my present circumstances, being free to revel in the +trams and the mosquitoes and the nasty colds to their hearts' delight. +The orders will be that for me the War is about to begin again in +grim earnest, and that to-morrow at dawn I take over and defend +till further notice, and against all the most noisy and loathsome +inventions that man can devise, that sector of the trenches which +extends from the Swiss frontier to the sea. + +When that day comes I shall be too busy (taking cover) to have leisure +to write to you. Meanwhile I shall still be in touch with life from +time to time and will pass on to you such scraps as come my way. Yours +ever, Henry. + + * * * * * + + "The India Office goes to Mr. Montagu."--_The Star._ + +Mahomet had to go to the Mountain, but Mr. Montagu is more fortunate. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bill_. "I dessay some women can do men's work. But +they'll never git men's wages." + +_Joe_ (_much married_). "Wotchermean--_never?_ They always 'ave!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR MIGHTY PENMEN. + +BY A LITERARY EXPERT. + +The House of Boffin announces a revised edition of Mr. Elbert Pitts's +_Final Words on Religion_, under the title of _Antepenultimate +Words on Religion_. As Mr. Pitts observes in his arresting Preface, +"Finality, in a time of upheaval, is a relative term, and I hope, +at intervals of six months or so, to publish my penultimate, +quasi-ultimate and paulo-post-ultimate views on the vital beliefs +which underlie the fantastic superstructure of dogmatic theology." +The new work will be illustrated with three portraits of the author +by Mr. Marcellus Thom, taken at various stages of the composition of +the work. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Pitts has also completed a new novel entitled _The Bounder of +Genius_, and has kindly furnished us with a brief outline of its +contents. The hero, who starts life as an artificial raspberry-pip +maker and amasses a colossal fortune in the Argentine grain trade, +marries a poor seamstress in his struggling days, but deserts her +for a brilliant variety actress, who is in turn deposed by (1) the +daughter of a dean, (2) the daughter of an earl, and (3) the daughter +of a duke. Ultimately Jasper Dando, for that is his name, leads a +crusade to Patagonia, where he establishes a new republic founded on +Eugenics, China tea, and the Prohibition of the Classics. Mr. Pitts +thinks it the finest thing he has done, and he is fortified in this +conviction by the opinion of Mr. Stoot, the principal reader of the +House of Boffin. + + * * * * * + +We are glad to hear that Mr. Hanley Potter will shortly issue, through +the firm of Bloomer and Guppy, a selection from the reviews, notices +and essays contributed by him to _The Slagville Gazette_. "They are +interesting," says the author, "as the expression of a fresh and +unbiassed mind, unfettered by any respect for established reputations +or orthodox standards." The titles of some of the articles--"The +Dulness of Dante," "The Sloppiness of Scott," "George Eliot as +Pedant," "Jane Austen the Prude"--indicate sufficiently the richness +of the treat provided in these stimulating pages. + + * * * * * + +The Centenary of JANE AUSTEN is to be celebrated in a thoroughly +practical manner by the House of Hussell. It will be remembered +that, some thirty years ago, an effort was made to revive the waning +popularity of SIR WALTER SCOTT by the issue of a series of condensed +versions of his novels, in which redundant passages, notes and +introductions were removed and the salient features were compressed in +a compact and animated narrative. In order to render justice to JANE +AUSTEN the process needed is diametrically opposite. JANE AUSTEN'S +novels are short and singularly lacking in picturesqueness, emotion, +colour. Mr. Hamo Bletherley, who has been entrusted with the task +of infusing these elements into JANE AUSTEN'S staid and reticent +romances, points out that her vocabulary was extraordinarily limited. +Her abstinence from decorative epithets led to results that are bald +and unconvincing. One may look in vain in her pages for such words +as "arresting," "vital," "momentous" or "sinister." She never uses +"glimpse," "sense" or "voice" as verbs. We look forward with eager +anticipation to the results of Mr. Bletherley's courageous experiment. + + * * * * * + +In this connection we cannot too heartily congratulate Mr. Jerome +Longmore, the well-known bookman and literary curio-collector, on his +latest stroke of good luck. It appears that in a recent pilgrimage +to Selborne he met the only surviving great-granddaughter of Sarah +Timmins (charwoman at Chawton in the years 1810 to 1815), and +purchased from her a pair of bedroom slippers, a pink flannel +dressing-gown and a boa which had belonged to the great novelist. A +full description of these priceless relics will shortly appear in +_The Penman_, together with a life and portrait of Sarah Timmins, who +married a pork butcher in Liphook and died in 1848. One of her letters +establishes the interesting fact that JANE AUSTEN never ate sausages. + + * * * * * + +We may add that Mr. Longmore is not one of those miserly collectors +who brood over their treasures and deny the sight of them to others. +On the contrary he takes the keenest pleasure in showing them to +his friends, and at the present time is holding a series of informal +receptions at his charming villa at Potter's Bar, at which, robed +in JANE AUSTEN'S dressing-gown, wearing her boa and shod in her +slippers, he presents a truly romantic and distinguished spectacle. +We understand that the Potter's Bar authorities are favourably +considering the proposal that warnings of air raids in that locality +should be given by the appearance in public of Mr. Longmore in this +striking dress. + + * * * * * + + "... Mr. Lloyd George, on whom, by devious paths, has + descended the mantle of Lord Rosebery."--_Daily Express._ + +Including the PRIMROSE path, we presume. + + * * * * * + +PETHERTON'S PEDIGREE. + +A stroke of luck enabled me to open an interesting little +correspondence with my genial neighbour, Petherton, which resulted in +one of those delightful passages-of-arms in which Petherton, at least, +excels. + + DEAR MR. PETHERTON (I began),--I have made a discovery which + will, I am sure, interest you, though I am uncertain whether + it will be as pleasing to you as to myself. + + During certain research work at the Record Office I came + across incontrovertible evidence that we are in some + way related through a Petherton in the early part of the + eighteenth century (_tempus_ GEORGE II.) being sufficiently + far-seeing to contract a marriage with a Fordyce. This + Petherton, by name Edward, lived at Kirkby Lonsdale, and his + wife, Emily Jane Fordyce, at Dent, in the same district. + + I haven't a family tree by me, but know the late-lamented + Emily Jane by name. She was part of the issue of one Henry + Fordyce, who is in the direct line, absolutely non-stop, + without changing, from the earliest known Fordyce to myself. + + What a field for speculation is here opened up! With your + scientific bent you will grasp the possibilities of the + hereditary influence of my family on yours, supposing Edward + Petherton to be a direct ancestor of your own. To me the + unexpected result of my researches will give an added interest + to our correspondence, and I await with eagerness your views + as to the value and interest of my discovery. + + Your kinsman, + + HENRY J. FORDYCE. + +Petherton cried "Touche" at once, and lunged at me in accordance with +my plan of campaign. + + SIR (he spluttered),--As a very busy man I must protest + against your attempt to distract my attention by writing to me + on a matter that is of no importance. That your discovery is + of a somewhat disconcerting nature I will not deny, but that + it is of any particular value or interest to me is hardly to + be expected, seeing that it relates to a by-gone century, and + any defects acquired by the Pethertons from such a union will, + I imagine, have been overcome by now. + + The Fordyces were apparently a more attractive race in the + eighteenth than in the twentieth century. I can scarcely + imagine a present-day Petherton contracting such a + _mesalliance_. + + A direct ancestor of mine, Edward Petherton, as I see by the + Family Bible in my possession, was born in 1699, married in + 1728, and lived at Kirkby Lonsdale. His wife's name is not + stated, but I can the more readily believe that he is the + misguided individual to whom you refer, as he died in 1729, no + doubt as the result of his rash act. His son, Primus Postumus + Petherton, born, as his second name suggests, after his + father's death, carried on the line. Any possible virtues or + talents my family may possess are not, I am certain, from the + distaff side of this union. + + Yours faithfully, + + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I made a thrust in tierce:-- + + DEAR COUSIN FRED,--What a mine of information you are! I touch + a spring and out comes Primus Postumus Petherton. The name + conjures up visions of grey church towers, monumental urns + and the eulogies in verse beloved of Georgian poets. I wonder + whether Possy was a great letter-writer and kept poultry. + By the way, what a lot of good things begin with a "P," and, + talking of poultry, I notice yours are laying, or should be. + They are certainly in full song these mornings. + + I'm so glad that you're so glad that I'm a relation. When I + was at the Record Office again yesterday I searched for more + information about my new-found relatives. In fact I dug up + the Petherton allotment thoroughly and unearthed Priscilla + and Anne, both of CHARLES I.'s time, and Marmaduke of the + Restoration. + + I couldn't exhume a complete family tree, or no doubt I should + have found all these worthies hanging on their respective + branches, though Marmaduke might have dropped off, as he + appears to have been a bit over-ripe from what I could gather + from the records. + + How are the Food Regulations suiting you? Judging from your + last letter I'm afraid you are not taking enough starch. + Of course I know it's gone up fearfully in price lately. + Personally I've taken to wearing soft collars. + + Your affectionate Cousin, H.F. + + Aren't you pleased that potatoes have come in again? (Another + good thing beginning with a P.) + +Petherton ground his teeth for a last bout, and bade me come on. + + SIR (he wrote),--I'm glad you've taken to soft collars. They + will suit your soft head. As for food, I'm afraid you're not + taking enough arsenic. A slight touch of relationship to my + family has evidently turned your brain. I cannot say how + sorry I am that you should have discovered the one flaw in + my pedigree. + + Yours faithfully, + + FREDERICK PETHERTON. + +I gave him one last little tweak under the ribs:-- + + DEAR OLD BOY,--Just a hurried line to say that all is forgiven + and forgotten. The family feud (there must have been one, I'm + certain) which has kept the Pethertons and the Fordyces apart + for the last couple of centuries is a thing of the past, now + that we two understand each other so thoroughly. I am only + sorry I did not discover the strawberry mark on your left arm + earlier, that I might the sooner have subscribed myself. + + Your long lost HARRY. + +This either disarmed him or he threw away his weapon in disgust. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _British Tar_ (_confidentially to lady friend_). "SHE'S +SUNK ALL RIGHT."] + + * * * * * + + "Other houses have a good many books which have come down + from posterity, mostly in odd volumes."--_"Claudius Clear" + in "The British Weekly."_ + +Some of those that we bequeath to our ancestors will be quite as odd. + + * * * * * + +It is rumoured that during the period of food-control a well-known +Soho restaurant intends to change its name to the "Rhondda-vous." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Busy City-man to his Partner_ (_as one of the new +air-raid warnings gets to work_). "IF YOU'LL LEAVE ME IN HERE FOR THE +WARNINGS I'LL CARRY ON WHILE YOU TAKE SHELTER DURING THE RAIDS."] + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE THINGS. + + I used to be a peaceful chap as didn't ask for trouble, + An' as for rows an' fightin', why, I'd mostly rather not, + But now I'd charge an army single-'anded at the double, + An' it's all along o' little things I've learned to feel so 'ot. + + It's 'orrid seein' burnin' farms, which I 'ave often seen 'ere, + An' fields all stinks an' shell-'oles, an' the dead among the flowers, + But the thing I've 'ated seein' all the bloomin' time I've been 'ere + Is the little gardens rooted up--the same as might be ours + + It's bad to see the chattos--which means castles--gone to ruins, + And big cathedrals knocked to bits as used to look that fine, + But what puts me in a paddy more than all them sort o' doin's + Is the little 'ouses all in 'eaps--the same as might be mine. + + An' when the what's-it line is bust an' we go rompin' through it, + An' knock the lid off Potsdam an' the KAYSER off 'is throne, + Why, what'll get our monkey up an' give us 'eart to do it? + Just thinkin' o' them little things as might 'ave been our own + (An' most of all the little kids as might 'ave been our own)! + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +GOIN' BACK. + + I'm goin' back to Blighty and a free-an' easy life, + But I grant it ain't the Blighty of me pals: + They takes the Tube to Putney, to the kiddies and the wife, + Or takes the air on 'Ampstead with their gals; + My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway, + With the sweet gorse smellin' in the sun; + And the 'eather 'ot and dry, where a tired man may lie + When the long day's done. + + There's picture-'alls in 'Ammersmith to suit them mates o' mine; + There's beer and 'addock suppers and cigars; + But I guess I'd sooner slog it where there's jest the scent o' pine + And over'ead an 'eap o' little stars; + The lights o' Charin' Cross and Piccadilly, + I'd swop 'em for the silver of the streams, + When the summer moon is lit and the bats begin to flit + And the dark earth dreams. + + I'm goin' back to Blighty, to the little lonesome lanes, + The dog-rose and the foxglove and the ferns, + The sleepy country 'orses and the jolty country wains + And the kindly faces every way you turns; + My little bit o' Blighty is the 'ighway, + With the sweet gorse smellin' in the sun; + And the 'eather good and deep where a tired man may sleep + When the long day's done. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LONG LIVE THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR!] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 16th_.--In the course of a discussion on "rope" +in War-bread Mr. THORNE accused the West-End bakeries of mixing +white flour with the "G.R." variety, and so supplying their +wealthy customers with better bread than is procurable by his own +constituents. Although no official confirmation of this charge was +forthcoming Mr. THORNE appeared to be convinced of its accuracy. In +his opinion the Government, following the historic example of PHARAOH, +should give the bread to the people and the rope to the bakers. + +It might not be accurate to say that in the matter of beer the +Irishman wants but little here below, but he certainly wants that +little strong; and being, in spite of a popular impression to the +contrary, a seriously-minded person, he resents any reduction of his +gravity. Mr. BRIDGEMAN'S gentle reminder that no Irish brewer need +avail himself of the new regulations unless he pleases quite failed +to satisfy the Nationalists that a new item had not been added to +Ireland's catalogue of grievances. + +_Tuesday, July 17th_.--For some weeks Mr. GINNELL has been absent from +his place. No one has gone so far as to suggest that the Roll of the +House should be called in order to bring back the hon. Member to his +Parliamentary duties. But considerable curiosity was aroused by his +recent statement that he proposed to make one more appearance at +Westminster before retiring permanently to Ireland to watch over +the growth of the Sinn Fein Republic. To-day was the day. Question +45, "Mr. Ginnell, to ask the Prime Minister, &c., &c.," was eagerly +awaited. There was no saying that the hon. Member, if dissatisfied +with the reply, would not hurl the Mace at the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER, so as to ensure a properly dramatic exit. At last No. 45 +was reached; but Mr. GINNELL was not there to put it. Once more the +Saxon intellect had been too slow to keep up with the swift processes +of the Celtic cerebellum. Mr. GINNELL has on more than one occasion +made what his compatriots call a "holy show" of himself; but he +refuses to do this sort of thing to order. + +[Illustration: THE EMPTY SEAT. + +MR. PUNCH DROPS A SILENT TEAR AT THE DEPARTURE OF ONE OF HIS BEST +PUPPETS.] + +Mr. HOUSTON is still harping upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S +recent confession of his ship-owning gains, and laboured hard this +afternoon to convince the Committee that shipowners in general were +in no sense profiteers. He failed, however, to avert the wrath of +Mr. DENNISS, who declared that if, after what had been revealed, any +shipowner was made a peer, he should move to abolish the peerage. + +This day the KING in Council decreed that the Royal House should +forthwith abandon all German titles and be known henceforth as +the House of Windsor. No one will be better pleased than Mr. SWIFT +MACNEILL, who for months past has been unsparing in his efforts +to purge the Upper House of enemy peers, and to-night had the +satisfaction of seeing a Bill for that purpose read a second time. His +prophecy that such a measure could be passed in three minutes was not +quite borne out; but that was chiefly because the hon. Member himself +occupied a quarter-of-an-hour in complaining of the Government's delay +in introducing it. + +_Wednesday, July 18th_.--Sir HENRY DALZIEL has been labouring under +the delusion that the R.N.A.S. and the R.F.C. are so mortally afraid +of trespassing upon one another's aerial preserves that the former +will not attack an enemy plane travelling over land, or the latter +over sea. Dr. MACNAMARA for the Navy, and Mr. MACPHERSON for the Army, +informed him that there was no truth in the suggestion; but Colonel +CLAUDE LOWTHER, remembering that there were once Two Macs who +delighted in spoofing their audiences, refused to be comforted until +categorically assured that between R.N.A.S. and R.F.C. there is +"sufficient cohesion." + +[Illustration: LORD HARDINGE'S CHAMPION. + +MR. BALFOUR LETS OUT.] + +This was BALFOUR's day. Never since he gave up the Leadership of the +Unionist Party six years ago has he more completely dominated the +scene. Mr. BONAR LAW had announced that the Government had on third +thoughts decided not to set up a new tribunal to try the persons +affected by the Mesopotamia Report. The military officers would be +dealt with by the Army Council. As for Lord HARDINGE, the Government, +"on the representations of the FOREIGN SECRETARY," had again refused +his proffered resignation. If any Members disapproved, let them +propose a Vote of Censure or move the adjournment. + +It was perhaps fortunate for the Government that Mr. DILLON accepted +the challenge. During the War the Member for East Mayo has lost such +authority in the House as he once possessed. Criticism on the conduct +of the campaign from one who boasts that he has never stood upon a +recruiting platform lacks sincerity. Mr. BALFOUR, always at his best +when defending a friend, laid about him lustily, and convinced the +majority of the House, not very friendly at the outset, that it would +be an act of gross injustice to remove a great public servant because +the Commission--on whose evidence, without further inquiry, you could +not hang a cat--had reported adversely on his conduct in an entirely +different capacity. + +To add to the force of this appeal came Sir HEDWORTH MEUX'S striking +testimonial--"I have known Lord Hardinge from a boy." After that, +small wonder that the House rejected Mr. Dillon's motion by 176 to 81. + +_Thursday, July 19th._--The only thing that keeps Mr. Reddy at +Westminster is his delight in acting as Chorus to Major Pretyman +Newman. Whenever the hon. and gallant Member asks a question Mr. +Reddy, in a piping voice of remarkable carrying power, immediately +puts another, designed to throw doubt upon his personal prowess or +his military capacity. Major Newman had several Questions on the Paper +this afternoon, and, as he had just announced the withdrawal of his +valuable support from a Government so lost to all sense of propriety +as to welcome Messrs. Churchill and Montagu to its fold, Mr. Reddy's +comments were awaited with pleasurable anticipation. + +Alas! for once he was not in his place. Even when Major Newman +elicited the damning information that some members of the Dublin +Metropolitan Police occasionally employ a German barber there was +no penetrating voice from the back benches to ask, "Why doesn't the +honourable Mimber go and shave them himself?" + +Mr. Jowett wants the Home Secretary to withdraw the permission he gave +some time ago "to employ women on the night-turn in wool-combing." +Several much-married Members are afraid that whatever he may decide +the objectionable practice will continue. + + * * * * * + +SCOTLAND FOR EVER. + + They came from untamable highlands, + From glens where their fathers were free, + From misty and mountainous islands + Set fast in the throat of the sea; + They fought for the honour of Britain; + They died in defence of the right; + Their deeds are in history written + In letters of light. + + They fell where the Ganges is flowing; + They lie 'neath the Russian Redan; + Their dust o'er the desert is blowing + In the whirlwinds of far Kordofan; + The sons of Glen Orchy and Rannoch + Sleep sound by the slow-moving Scheldt, + And the bones of the men of Loch Fannich + Are white on the veldt. + + But the Lows and Lochmaben and Gairloch + Still march to the battle array, + And the fighters from many a fair loch, + Like their fathers, leap forth to the fray; + Red flame tears the darkness asunder + Where the curtain of battle is drawn, + Where the clansmen through death-cloud and thunder + Go over at dawn. + + In the strength of the hills and the heather, + With the salt of the sea in their blood, + They sweep from the trenches together + With the force of an onrushing flood; + Like the billows that beat upon Moidart + When gales from the Hobrides blow, + Like a storm on the mountains of Knoidart + They burst on the foe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hairdresser_ (_with a view to business--to customer, +who is getting rapidly bald_). "There are plenty of hairdressers, you +know, Sir, who profess to make a wig; but, when you've got it on, it +looks nothing like a wig at all, Sir."] + + * * * * * + +A film-drama:-- + + "It is the story of the poor orphan daughter of a South + American aristocrat. She has become enamoured of a tradesman's + son, but misapprehension having arisen, she becomes engaged + to a man who apparently is well endowed with this world's + foods."--_Leicester Daily Mercury._ + +In these times, who can wonder at her choice? + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Royal Lineage:-- + + "After the extinction of the Billing Family...."--_Daily + Telegraph_. + +A correspondent, writing upon House of Commons' notepaper, assures us +that the above passage is a gross exaggeration. + + * * * * * + + "Charlie D. (Westminster).--We answer you in the words of + Cassius, 'A plague of both your houses.'"--_Town Topics_. + +Were not the words those of _Mercutio_ when he had failed to set up a +Business Government in Verona? + + * * * * * + + "Apply weed-killers to garden walks and drives, using every + precaution against domestic fowls and other bird-eating + worms."--_Irish Gardening_. + +Very careless of St. Patrick to leave these ornithophagous reptiles at +large. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Few Men to travel with Hobby Horses.--Apply Murphy's + Steam Galloping Horses, Abbeyleix, Queen's Co."--_Irish + Independent_. + +Now we understand Mr. Ginnell's sudden decision to quit Westminster. + + * * * * * + +THE TAP-ROOM. + +Our Reserve Battalion has a billiard-room, which is well patronised +by all those cheerful souls who have escaped from France without +permanent injury and resignedly await the second call. + +To-night the "Tap-room" is in top form. A four-handed game of snooker +is in as rapid progress as is reasonably possible. Every easy-chair +is filled with a would-be player offering gratuitous advice in order +to speed things up. A young war-scarred Captain is balanced on a +rickety side-table, offering odds on the game in a raucous voice. +The Mess-waiter strives to be in three places at once. Through all, +the players, totally unnerved, play with a desperate attempt at +concentration. + +Suddenly the door opens, and the Colonel enters, heated and out of +breath. His eye pierces through the tobacco smoke and transfixes the +unhappy bookmaker. He requests him to take advantage of his position +to open a window. The players examine the tips of their cues in sudden +silence. The Colonel refuses the offer of six vacated chairs with a +slightly impatient negative and inquires as to the probable length +of the game. He accepts the obvious untruth that it has just ended, +smiles with satisfaction, and proposes to the Adjutant a game of one +hundred up. + +The Colonel, after examining the cues with marked disapproval, +eventually selects one of short length and pronounced weight. He +then appropriates for his sole personal use the only piece of chalk, +demands the spot ball, places it in position, and endeavours to cast +his opponent's ball into a baulk pocket with a rapid back-hander. The +Adjutant sprints round the table in pursuit. + +The Colonel next addresses his own ball and propels it violently +against the red, which, taken completely by surprise, bounds with a +strong resilience from the top cushion, courses twice up and down the +table and comes to a pause in the neighbourhood of the middle pocket. +The Colonel tests the elasticity of the cushion with his thumb and +gives way a foot to enable his opponent to begin a neat break of +twenty-seven. + +The Colonel, finding time hanging heavily on his hands, devotes this +period to filling his pipe from a borrowed pouch; he then tramps +determinedly back to the table and is about to pocket the red from +a point of considerable vantage, when the Adjutant deferentially +suggests that he is about to play with the wrong ball. The Colonel +immediately strides round the table to where his command is clinging +to the cushion, lifts the ball to convince himself that there is a +spot on its surface, plants it back in a slightly more favourable +position, and with one thrust of his cue projects it into open +country. He then leaves the table without awaiting the result and +resumes his pipe. + +The Adjutant now compiles a fifteen break, pauses, notices the +Colonel's inattention, and with typical lack of true discipline +pots his opponent's ball and leaves the others in baulk. A horrified +silence ensues. The Colonel, without noticing the delicacy of the +situation, playfully slopes his "hipe" and marches back to the table. +The awful truth is instantly laid bare. The colour of his face becomes +of an imperial shade. He dumbly fumbles for his ball, which, with a +last bid for exemption, eludes his fingers and rolls under the table. + +Taking advantage of this the Colonel, with one glance of concentrated +hate in the direction of his opponent, grapples with his choler, and +by the time that his ball is returned under escort, has partially +recovered himself. He is determined to show to his subalterns the +value of coolness in an emergency. He places his ball with infinite +care and walks round the table to examine the position from every +point of view. His next move is to mark out elaborate angles with +the assistance of chalk marks on the cushions. Having finally formed +all his plans, he encourages his artillery with a few more rounds of +chalk, approaches the field with studied and dignified calm, delivers +his attack, and retires to watch the effect from his O. Pip. + +His command, flying desperately across the open, loses direction, +blunders hopelessly into an obstruction on the flank, retires in +confusion, and makes a blind despairing dash for a shell-crater. +Missing this by a fraction it loses all interest in life, wanders +pitifully off at an unnatural angle, runs into the hostile force of +the Adjutant, and comes finally into contact with the red. + +The Colonel hastens to remark to the enthusiastic audience that this +cannon only proves the possibilities of the noble game when accuracy +is achieved. It is calculated to improve their marksmanship, to teach +them to grasp an opportunity, to apply their tactical training, and to +render them cool in the hour of crisis. + +Inspired by this truth he attempts to pull off an awkward losing +hazard. This effort is ruined by an appalling miscue which affects the +new cloth. The Colonel justly blames the chalk, removes the pet-dog +of the battalion from his path with his foot, and makes for the +scoring-board. The volunteer marker inadvertently puts the Colonel's +modest score on to the large total of the Adjutant. + +At this critical moment an orderly fortunately arrives with a note +from the Brigade office. The Colonel secures the missive, tears the +envelope to shreds, runs his eye over the trivial contents, and +curses the War. He then assumes an air of enormous importance, excuses +himself, and stamps out into the night. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ancient Heroine_. "IT'S BEEN A TRYIN' TIME FOR ME, +MRS. BLOGGS. MY SAVIN'S-BANK BOOK WAS UP IN LUNNON ALL THROUGH THE +AIR-RAID."] + + * * * * * + + "It may be the bravery of ignorance that induces us to take + this point of view, but the locality excuses ignorance to + some extent, and the bravery still exists: Ovid has a line + that might be learnt with advantage by our readers-- + + "'Falliker augurio, spes bona saepe sus.'"--_Nigerian Pioneer_. + +We do not recall this line in OVID; but the locality is notoriously +unfavourable to Latin quotation. As HORACE says, _Hic Niger est; hunc +tu, Romane, caveto_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_. "WANT A NEW MESS-TIN, DO YOU? WHERE'S YOUR +OLD ONE?" + +_Private_. "I HAVEN'T GOT IT, SIR." _Officer._ "WHY NOT?" + +_Private_. "PLEASE, SIR, THERE'S A CHATEAU ON TOP OF IT, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +DR. SULLIVAN. + +It had been decided that there never was such a resemblance as is to +be traced between my homely features and those of a visitor to the +same hotel last year--Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street. This had become +an established fact irrefutable like a proposition of Euclid and +one of my new friends, who was also a friend of the Dr. Sullivan of +Wigley Street who had so satisfyingly and minutely anticipated my +countenance, made it the staple of his conversation. "Isn't Mr. +Blank," he would say to this and that _habitue_ of the smoking-room as +they dropped in from the neighbouring farms at night, "the very image +of Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was here last year?" And they +would subject my physiognomy to a searching study and agree that I +was. Perhaps the nose--a little bigger, don't you think? or a shade +of dissimilarity between the chins (he having, I suppose, only +two, confound him!), but taking it all round the likeness was +extraordinary. + +This had been going on for some time, until I was accustomed, if not +exactly inured, to it, and was really rather looking forward to the +time when, on returning to London, I could trump up a sufficient +ailment to call upon my double in Wigley Street and scrutinize +him with my own eyes. But last night my friend had something of a +set-back, which may possibly, by deflecting his conversation to other +topics, give me relief. I hope so. + +It happened like this. We were sitting in the smoking-room as +usual, he and I, when another local acquaintance entered--one who, +I gathered, had been away for a few weeks and whom I had therefore +not yet seen, and who (for this was the really important thing to my +friend) consequently had not yet seen me. + +In course of time the inevitable occurred. "Don't you think," my +friend asked, "that Mr. Blank is the very image of Dr. Sullivan of +Wigley Street, who was here last summer?" + +"What Dr. Sullivan's that?" the newcomer inquired. + +"Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, who was fishing here last summer. +Don't you remember him? The very image of Mr. Blank." + +"The only Dr. Sullivan I know," replied the newcomer, "is Dr. Sullivan +of Newcastle. He's a very old man by now. A very learned man too. He +has a wonderful private museum. He--" + +"No, no, the Dr. Sullivan I mean was From Wigley Street--a +specialist--who took the Manor fishing last summer and stayed in the +hotel." + +"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle is a very old man--much older than +Mr. Blank here, and not a bit like him. He's a most interesting +personality. He is the great authority on the South Sea Islanders. +You should see his collection of Fiji war clubs." + +"But that's not the Dr. Sullivan I mean. You must remember him," +said my impresario; "we all used to meet evening after evening, just +as we're doing now--Dr. Sullivan of Wigley Street, the specialist, +a clean-shaven big man, exactly like Mr. Blank here. Everyone has +noticed the likeness." + +"Dr. Sullivan of Newcastle has a beard," said the newcomer. "And he's +a very old man by now. A great receptacle of miscellaneous learning. +He showed me once his collection of coins and medals. He's got coins +back to the Roman Emperors and stories about every one of them. His +collection--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--of idols is amazing. You never saw such comic figures as those +natives worship. There's nothing he doesn't collect. He's got a mummy +covered with blue beads. He's got skulls from all over the world, +showing different formations. It's some years--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--since I saw him last, and of course he may be--" + +"Yes, but--" + +"--dead. But if not he's a man worth knowing. If ever you go to +Newcastle don't forget about him. But he must be very old by now. +He--" + +At this point I finished my glass and slipped away to bed. Consulting +the mirror as I undressed, I smiled at the reflection that confronted +me. "You can sleep well to-night," I said, "for there are signs that +you are about to have a rest." + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_DR. VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG AND HERR MICHAELIS._) + +_Michaelis._ I have called partly because I desired to offer my most +tactful condolences to my distinguished predecessor in the high office +which I hold, and partly because I thought you might be willing +to give me some hints as to my conduct, for I should like to leave +nothing undone that might make me a successful Chancellor. + +_Von Bethmann-Hollweg._ Upon my word you are even more kind and +considerate than I had expected. Even to exchange a word with a fallen +Chancellor is a sign both of kindness and courage. I wonder how you +could screw yourself up to the pitch of being so daring. + +_M._ I am glad you think so, for that is how I myself felt it. + +_Von B.-H._ Well, we will leave your courage out of the question. It +is sufficiently proved by your acceptance of the Chancellorship. As +to such advice as I am able to give, I must ask you first whether you +are ready to have the boots of the All-Highest constantly wiped upon +various parts of your person? + +_M._ A true Prussian endures that with difficulty. + +_Von B.-H._ But a true Prussian, it seems, can accustom himself to +this form of friendship and confidence as to many others. + +_M._ What others do you speak of? + +_Von B.-H._ My worthy Michaelis, you really must have covered your +eyes and stopped your ears ever since you were born, otherwise you +could not possibly be so ignorant. Do you not know that if your great +and beloved says a foolish thing or does an indiscreet one it will be +your duty to shoulder the responsibility for it? And you can easily +calculate yourself during how many hours of the day your back is +likely to be without a burden of some sort. And mind you, you are not +to expect to receive any gratitude for your toil. + +_M._ But he speaks a kind word now and then, doesn't he? + +_Von B.-H._ A kind word? Ha-ha. When I think of all that I have done +for that man, the acts I have defended, the stupidities I have tried +to convert into statesmanship, the tempers I have been the butt of, +the childish insults I have had to tolerate, the theatricalities +I have been compelled to treat as if they were the most glorious +manifestations of Imperial splendour--when I think of all this +and realise that he and I are both still alive, I marvel at such a +spectacle of human endurance. + +_M._ I must confess you are not very cheerful or very encouraging. + +_Von B.-H._ I did not set out to cheer you up or to encourage you, but +I thought it just as well that someone should tell you the truth. + +_M._ Why aren't you glad then at having dropped your burden? + +_Von B.-H._ I own I ought to be, but, as you hint, I am not. There +are ways of doing things, and there is a real difference in walking +quietly through a door and being kicked out through it with all +possible violence. + +_M._ But you have had the Hohenzollern Order presented to you and the +All-Highest has written you with his own gracious hand a letter. + +_Von B.-H._ _Verbosa et grandis epistola venit a Capreis._ As for the +Hohenzollern Order I don't care a snap of the fingers for it. Nor will +you when your time comes. + +_M._ I hope that will not be for many years. + +_Von B.-H._ For your sake I hope your time may be short. In any case I +must thank you most warmly for your tactful condolences. + + * * * * * + +THE REST-RUMOUR. + + I know not in what rodent-haunted caverns + By what rough tongues the tale was first expressed, + By choking fires or in the whispering taverns + With wine and omelette lovingly caressed, + Or what tired soul, o'erladen with a lump + Of bombs and bags which someone _had_ to hump, + Flung down his load indignant at the Dump + And, cursing, cried, "_It's time we had a rest!_" + + And so, maybe, began it. Some sly runner, + Half-hearing, half-imagining, no doubt, + Caught up the word and gave it to a gunner, + And he, embroidering, 'twas noised about + From lip to lip in many a trench's press + Where working parties struggled to progress + Or else go back, but both without success, + "_Officer says Division's going out._" + + It found the Front. It came up with the rations; + The Corporals carried it from hole to hole; + And scouts behaved in strange polemic fashions + On what they thought would be their last patrol; + While Fritz, of course, from whom few things are hid, + Had the romance as soon as any did, + And said, thank William, he would soon be rid + Of yon condemned disturbers of his soul. + + Nor were there few confirming little trifles, + For James, rejoining from the Base, had scann'd + Strange waiting infantry with brand-new rifles, + In backward areas, but close at hand; + And some had marked the D.A.Q.M.G. + Approaching Railhead in the dusk, and he + (Who, as a fact, was simply on the spree) + Had gone, of course, to view the Promised Land. + + And what a land! Who had not heard its promise? + A land of quietude and no grenades, + Soft beds for officers, fair barns for Tommies, + And rich estaminets and gracious maids, + And half-an-hour from Abbeville by the train + A land of rivulets and golden grain + (Where it would be impossible to train + And even difficult to have parades)! + + Then it appeared the groom of General Harrison + Had news denied to ordinary men, + How the Brigade was going home to garrison + A restful corner of the Lincoln fen; + But weeks have passed and we are as we were; + And possibly, when Peace is in the air + And these dear myths have died of sheer despair, + They may come true--but not, I think, till then. + + * * * * * + +FELINE AMENITIES. + + "Cats' Happy Holiday Home--Wired garden, Home comforts, + References"--_Church Family Newspaper_. + + * * * * * + +From a notice of "Three Weeks":-- + + "The Queen of Croatia, one of those convenient operatic + Balham royalties...."--_Liverpool Daily Post_. + +Won't Tooting be jealous! + + * * * * * + + "To one who has been long enough away from the centre of + things almost to forget what it is like, a walk along Pall + Mall yesterday brought some curious reflections. From the + Circus to Hyde Park Corner not a single luxurious private + motor-car or horse-drawn carriage was to be seen. It was + not the Pall Mall of old days."--_Evening Paper_. + +No, it seems to have been much more like Piccadilly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Troop-ship Officer_. "ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, SIR?" + +_Enterprising American_. "I GUESS SO. I'M THE CINEMATOGRAPH OPERATOR +WHO'S GOING TO TAKE A FILM THE FIRST TIME YOU'RE TORPEDOED, AND +I'VE GOT A LETTER FROM YOUR FOLKS INSTRUCTING YOU TO GIVE ME EVERY +FACILITY."] + + * * * * * + +A SURPRISE PARTY. + +"Five-and-thirty wounded Tommies coming to tea and one of them coming +to his death, but he doesn't know it," moaned Emily, and waved a knife +round her head. + +I saw what had happened. All this bun-baking and cake-making had been +too much for my poor wife. She had been living in the oven for a week. + +"You're overdone. Lie down and try to get a little nap before they +come," I said soothingly. "Everything's ready." + +"Will he die without a sound, or will he gurgle?" said Emily, and +brought the knife within an inch of my nose. + +"No one is going to die at our tea-party, dear," I said, and ducked. + +"Not after swallowing _that_?" shrieked Emily, and lunged at me with +the knife again. + +I got it firmly by the handle this time, and I recognised Emily's +special cake-knife, an instrument wrought to perfection by long years +of service, sharp as a razor down both sides, with a flexible tip +that slithered round a basin and scooped up the last morsels of +candied-peel. + +But the flexible tip was gone. I understood Emily's distraught +condition. You can replace a diamond tiara; money won't buy a +twenty-year-old cake-knife. + +"Try and bear it, dear," I said. + +Emily pointed to the table weighed down with Madeiras and rocks and +almonds and sultanas and gingers. "It's inside one of them," she said. + +For the moment I failed to grasp her meaning. She explained. "I've +made six dozen. The knife was all right when I started; a little bent, +nothing more. It was when I was mixing the last that I noticed the tip +was missing." + +It was a difficult position. There was no time to submit the cakes to +the X-rays; the advance party was streaming through the gate. + +"Dear fellows! I wonder which one it will be," said Emily, and clung +round my neck. + +I put her on one side. "I'll manage it; leave it to me," I said, and +went forward and welcomed our guests. My mind was working clearly +and rapidly, as it always does in a crisis. When I had got them +seated round the tea-table, "My dear friends," I said, "this isn't +a Christmas party, but my wife couldn't help indulging in a little +Christmas fun. She's just whispered to me that she's put a surprise +in one of the cakes. I know her. It won't be an ordinary sort of +surprise. I should advise you all to keep a sharp look-out. There's a +pound" (it was worth a pound to save a hero's throat from being cut) +"for the man who finds anything in his cake which hasn't any business +to be there." + +Within five minutes two pebbles, a tin-tack, a chunk of wood and a +black-beetle were on the tablecloth.... + +"Do you know that flutter's cost me five pounds, and there wasn't a +sign of your infernal knife after all?" I said to Emily when they'd +gone. + +"I've just found it under the kitchen table," said Emily. "I _am_ +thankful." + + * * * * * + + "This company's year ended on the 40th June, and a good + distribution is looked for by the market."--_Journal of + Commerce_. + +With such help from the calendar any company should do well. + + * * * * * + +THE SIGNAL SECTION. + +You know how the great hunter who sleeps with his gun at his pillow +is awake in an instant, with all his faculties alert, when the sacred +spider breaks a twig in the jungle? You remember how the handsome +highwayman, at the first far clatter of hoofs on the great North Road, +is up and out on the scullery roof of the inn before you have turned +the page, and is deep in Lonely Copse (wearing the serving-wench's +stomacher) before his first fat pursuer has said, "Open in the name of +the Law," below his window? Well, like Jimmy's bloodhound in _Punch_, +I am very good at that. + +But it is a telephone-bell that does it. You go down seventy-two +steps--backwards, or you hit your head--to a German room, which smells +German, and you will find my boudoir, furnished with sandbags, a +shaving mirror and a telephone. + +At eleven o'clock I lie on the sandbags and, like the great hunter, +close my eyes immediately in dreamless sleep. + +At five minutes past eleven the telephone-bell rings. + +That is what I am good at. I leap to my feet and say "Hullo!" + +Utter silence follows, save (as Mr. BEACH THOMAS would say) for the +monotonous drone of the great shells bursting outside. + +I repeat my original remark. "Hullo!" I say brightly, "Hullo!... +Hullo!" + +I shake the microphone. It sounds as though sand had got into it, and +still there is silence. The minutes creep on and my voice begins to +fail. Outside in the quiet night a solitary gas-alarm chirps a few +quiet notes to the stars and is still. I continue to say "Hullo!" + +At eleven-fifteen the operator at the other end finishes the story of +what he said to her and what she, on the other hand, said to him, and +turns refreshed to his instrument. + +With a dexterous twist of his wrist he sounds a deafening peal in the +bell at my ear, and says, "Hullo!" + +I retaliate. When the score is vantage out, I put all the red tabs I +can into my voice, and his tone changes. He is at once the cheerful +and willing artisan, eager to please. + +"Yes, Sir ... Yes, Sir ... Who do you want, Sir? This is Zed Esses Pip +Ack five, Sir ..." + +"You called me," I say. + +He is more hurt than angry at that. "Oh, no, Sir. You rang me up, Sir. +This is Zed Esses ..." + +I nip that in the bud by saying "Hullo!" very loud. He realizes that +the game is up. + +"Speak to Division, Sir," he says curtly, and clicks before I can +answer. A faint far gnat-voice says, "Is that Zed Ess?" + +"No," I shout. "What the ..." + +"Through to Division," says gnat-voice and clicks me off. Another +voice carries on the good work. Upstairs the shells burst playfully +on the parapet, and under the starlit sky a gas cloud drifts slowly +across the fields, almost hiding the cattle who are grazing peacefully +there in the long wet grass. + +At midnight I am through to Division. + +"Is that you?" says Division. "There is a list ..." + +"Finished, please?" says the operator so near and loud that I jump. + +Division and I are at one here--we are agreed that we have not +finished. Like the Brothers Crosstalk, we say so simultaneously, using +the same swearword. + +The operator clicks off, baffled. + +"That list of men for a bombing course," says Division. + +"Yes, Sir," I reply brightly, though my heart sinks. + +"You ought to have sent it in at 6 P.M.," says Division. "And it has +not yet arrived." + +I look at my wrist-watch, but realise too late that this graceful +gesture is lost on him. "I am sorry, Sir," I reply with dignity, "but +the delay was inevitable. It shall be with you on the breakfast-table. +The difficulty of communication in this great War ..." + +Division laughs sardonically. + +At ten minutes past twelve I go to bed again, and at twelve-fifteen +an orderly shines an electric torch in my eyes in order to prevent my +reading a wire which he hands me. It says, "Ref. your S.C. 1985 please +ask PIG if they have salvaged any German socks. A.A.A. urgent." + +I stand up, and the orderly, completely unnerved by the sight of a +Staff Captain in undress uniform, releases the button of his torch and +retires under cover of darkness. + +I twirl the handle of the telephone and listen. There is silence. +I turn it again with vigour. For twenty minutes I behave like an +organ-grinder. Towards dawn the bell rings and I receive an electric +shock. + +"Hullo!" says the operator. + +I tell him what I think of him. When I have finished the sun is up +and the first aeroplane is dropping its glad bombs on the dewy earth +below. + +I demand PIG. PIG is a Machine Gun Company. By breakfast-time I have +discovered that PIG has salvaged socks, German, one. + +I ring up Division ... + +It is a splendid force, as they used to say in _The Message from +Mars_--it is a splendid force, the Signal Service. + +And men sleeping among the rats in the front line wake for their +coffee and hot water and envy me my undisturbed nights. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _New Tenant_ (_digging up lawn and waste ground, to +agent_). "CAN YOU INFORM ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE MAN WHO OWNED THIS +PLACE BEFORE ME?" + +_House Agent_. "ER--HE'S IN FRANCE." + +_Tenant_. "UM. WELL, I HOPE HE COMES BACK. SAFELY!"] + + * * * * * + + "The Vienna _Die Zeit_ considers the political crisis in + Germany as one of the chief consequences of the political + utterances of English, American and French statesmen, + demanding the demoralisation of Germany."--_Sunday Times_. + +It seems superfluous. + + * * * * * + + "It is authoritatively announced that the American troops + fighting in France will very shortly receive steel helmets, + the design of the helmets being very similar to those worn by + the French and British forces, but bearing, as insignia, the + United States coat of mail."--_Daily Graphic_. + +Head-protection is very necessary, but isn't this rather overdoing it? + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, JULY 25, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11704.txt or 11704.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/0/11704 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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