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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:39 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:39 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11712-0.txt b/11712-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f33d726 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2243 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11712 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +June 25, 1919. + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A man has written to the papers offering to buy five thousand pounds of +Joy Loan if the Government will get him a case of whisky. The simple +fellow does not seem to realise that if the Government had anything as +valuable as a case of whisky it would not have to raise a loan. + + *** + +The successful trans-Atlantic flight and the large number of +public-houses in Galway threaten to make prohibition in U.S.A. nothing +less than a farce. + + *** + +Smoking, says a Church paper, is on the increase among boys. Boys will +be girls these days. + + *** + +Smoking and bad language seem to go together, says Professor GILBERT +MURRAY. In the case of some cheap cigars we have often seen them going +together. + + *** + +A bazaar has been held in Dublin for the purpose of securing a fresh +stock of wild animals for the Zoological Gardens. It is not believed, +however, that the popularity of Sinn Fein can be seriously challenged. + + *** + +"Serbia," says an Italian news agency, "is purchasing large quantities +of war material and aeroplanes." It is feared, however, that these +elaborate Peace preparations may yet turn out to be premature. + + *** + +Two German machine guns, it is stated, have been placed in a provincial +library. Even this, it is thought, will not prevent Mr. H.G. WELLS from +doing what he conceives to be his duty. + + *** + +Labour unrest is reported from Spitzbergen. There is also a rumour that +the Greenlanders are demanding the nationalization of blubber and a +180-day year. + + *** + +There is said to be some talk at Washington of the House of +Representatives inviting President WILSON to visit America shortly. + + *** + +A Chicago Girls' Club has decided that its members shall have nothing to +do with young men. It is certainly getting to be an effeminate habit. + + *** + +_The Daily Mail_ has presented a golden slipper for the actress with the +smallest feet. The slipper, we understand, is quite new and has never +been used on anybody. + + *** + +An American gentleman is about to offer for sale his corkscrew, or would +exchange for something useful. + + *** + +A very mean theft is reported from West Ealing. Not content with +stealing the loose silver a burglar is reported to have stolen the +muzzle from off the watch-dog. + + *** + +The New Cross Fire Brigade have been awarded a Challenge Cup for the +quickest work. This brigade is now open to book a few orders for fires +during August, when they have several open dates. + + *** + +We understand that a couple of young cheeses were kidnapped from a +Crouch Hill warehouse last week. + + *** + +It is a surprising fact, says a contemporary, that when LENIN was born +his parents were practically penniless. The greater mystery is that his +parents decided to keep him. + + *** + +A statistical expert has estimated that if all the questions asked by +Mr. SMILLIE at the Coal Commission's sittings were placed one before the +other they would lead to nowhere. + + *** + +Over one hundred posters illustrating the danger of house-flies have +been exhibited in the Enfield district. It is doubtful whether this will +have the desired effect, for it is well known that flies cannot read. + + *** + +The price of a first-class interment, says a contemporary, has risen +from £3 18s 0d. to £5 15s. 0d. The result is that many people +have decided to try to do without one this year. + + *** + +The arrival in England of a rare mosquito is reported by the +South-Eastern Union of Scientific Societies. It seems that the insect +had worked its passage to the British Museum. We think that a sharper +look-out should be kept on mosquitoes arriving at our ports. + + *** + +A painful episode is reported from Yarmouth. It appears that a visitor, +desirous of taking home a souvenir of his holiday, thoughtlessly filled +a bottle with sea water at low tide, with the result that just before +high tide the bottle burst, inflicting serious injuries on the +passengers in the railway carriage in which he was travelling. + + *** + +Out of nine applicants for the post of Language Master at a well-known +Public school, eight were proficient in at least five languages. +However, as the ninth man proved to be an ex-Sergeant-Major, the eight +immediately retired in his favour. + + *** + +We now hear that the question regarding the possession of +Kladizatiffagtaliofatoffka, in Poland, which has caused so much of the +delay at the Peace Conference, has been satisfactorily settled. The four +Big Powers are to have a couple of syllables each and the remaining +three will be raffled for. + + *** + +On account of the large number of robberies of safes that have taken +place in London during the last few weeks it is possible that an effort +will shortly be made to do away with these cumbersome articles in order +to stamp out the epidemic. + + *** + +The bacteriologist of the Oyster Merchants' and Planters' Association +claims to have discovered a means of purifying polluted mussels. To +ascertain if a mussel requires to be purified examine the whites of its +eyes. + + *** + +Newspapers have appeared again in Buenos Ayres. No other troubles are +anticipated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I'VE CALLED TO SEE IF YOU COULD MAKE A MINATURE OF ME."] + + * * * * * + +AMERICA AND SINN FEIN. + + [Being a Republican's apology for the recent anti-British agitation + in the States.] + + Oh, never let it mar the mutual love, + That now unites us eye to eye, + If, superficially, we seem to shove + Our fingers in your Irish pie-- + An action which, if you should so behave, + Would make old MONROE wriggle in his grave. + + How loath we are by nature to intrude + In things outside our own concern + Is witnessed by the European feud + In which we lately took a turn; + Ere WILSON'S mind was fixed to see you through it, + For years he wondered if he ought to do it. + + And, when for Ireland's good we intervene + In matters patently remote, + You must not count our loyalty less keen-- + We simply want the Irish vote; + 'Tis an election stunt, this lion-baiting, + Designed for local Kelts who need placating. + + So, when our Yankee delegates rehearse + Their tale of Erin's bitter woe, + Of crimes, almost too bad to quote in Erse, + Committed by the Saxon foe, + Please understand why our apparent bias is + In favour of these nimble Ananiases. + + And also why, for Ireland's dear, dear sake + (Meaning of course "Ourselves Alone"), + A lot of us would gladly let her take + Our WILSON for her very own, + To worship, like a god inside a tin fane, + As WOODROW ONE, First President of Sinn Fein. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +GOING TO THE BANK. + +She thought she had got a bargain. It was only marked "20/-," and would +have been double the price at any of the West-end places. So she whipped +out her Japanese note-case, paid for it, and carried it off like a +whirlwind lest the shopman should find he had made a mistake. + +But it was she who had made a mistake, and she broke the news to me at +breakfast on the following morning. + +Two of her one-pound notes (or, to be exact, _my_ one pound notes) must +have stuck together. She had paid the West-end price after all. + +Then, instead of blaming her own carelessness, as I should have done, +what must she do but attack Mr. LLOYD GEORGE? + +"It's all his fault, this horrid dirty paper-money... Spreading +infection wherever it goes!" + +It devolved upon me to defend the Government, which I did with some +heat, drawing forth another one-pound note casually, as though I were +made of them, and flourishing it in my hand. + +"And anyway," I argued, "Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is not to blame. The note does +not bear his signature, but that of Sir JOHN BRADBURY. And a fine bold +signature it is--why, it's dirt-cheap for the lesson in handwriting +alone." + +She did not appreciate that, because hers is a small scrabbed writing. +But I continued mercilessly-- + +"I bet he doesn't bite _his_ lips when he's signing his name." + +"Extremely bad writing, I should call it," she retorted. "Look, you +cannot tell where the '_u_' ends and the '_r_' begins." + +"But aside from that," I resumed (I was very proud of this expression, +having picked it up from President WILSON)--"aside from that, turn the +note over, feast your eyes on the picture of the Houses of Parliament. +It too is thrown in for nothing. This at least ought to appeal to you, +with your enthusiasm for Gothic architecture." + +If looks could annihilate, that would have been my last boiled egg. + +"You think yourself very clever," she said, "and you are supposed to +understand all about money matters. Surely you know of a bank where I +can take these wretched notes and get gold instead, the good old English +gold that was worth its face-value all the world over?" + +I did not know she could be so eloquent. I rose and went to the window. +It was a noble morning. + +"Yes," I said after a little reflection, "put on your best hat and +collect your paper-money. But try and pack it all into the kit-bag if +you possibly can." (She winced a little.) "I know a bank where you will +be able to get all the gold you want...." + * * * * * +Shoulder to shoulder we fought the good fight for the motor-bus. + +"Two to the Bank," I gasped. + +But it was at Charing Cross station I made her descend. She looked +extraordinarily mystified, and I explained that the Bank's country +branches are the only ones where gold is still to be had. + * * * * * +She and an empty milk-can and I were all that got out at the little +station in the hills. However, a cuckoo introduced himself boldly by +name. He seemed so near he might have been in the booking-office. But +the booking-office was deserted. + +"There can't possibly be a bank in this out-of-the-world place," she +protested. + +"Patience," I replied, leading her down a steep path between high thick +hedges to a small gateway. Through this we went, and I heard her draw in +her breath. + +From our feet, as it seemed, up to the blue sky itself, one golden +glowing bank of buttercups and cowslips... and cowslips. It was almost +like trying to gaze at the noonday sun. + +"There," I crowed, "you will be able to get all the gold you want. Did I +not say, 'I know a bank'?" + +She did a curious thing. She put her arms round my neck and kissed me. + +"Dear old Mr. Sententious," said she, "did you think you could take _me_ +in? I knew my _Midsummer Night's Dream_ by heart while you were still +discovering 'THE-HOG-IS-IN-THE-PIT'!" And she sang quite softly:-- + + "I know a bank where the wild thyme blows, + Where oxlips--" + +Though I was very angry at the way she had deceived me, I must admit +that her voice was not unpleasing. + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +The National Baby Week Council, which for many years has done admirable +work in promoting the Welfare of Infancy and Motherhood, is to hold its +annual "Week" from July 1st to 7th. Among other London celebrations a +Conference will be held at Kingsway Hall, under the Presidency of Dr. +ADDISON, on the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Applications for +admission (one guinea, to include proofs of papers to be read and a +copy of the Report; or ten shillings, without printed matter) should +be addressed to Miss HALFORD, Secretary, National Association for the +Prevention of Infant Mortality, 4 and 5 Tavistock Square, W.C.1. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REDRESS REHEARSAL. + +OUR MR. MONTAGU _(practising on dummy)._ "THE LATEST LINE IN WESTERN +HEAD-WEAR, SIR, AND, IF YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SAY SO, VERY BECOMING TO +YOU. THANK YOU, SIR, AND THE NEXT ARTICLE?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Son of the House (after being introduced to professor of +mathematics)._ "NOW WHAT SHALL I TALK TO YOU ABOUT?"] + + * * * * * + +A TANGLED TRIANGLE. + +The Pâtisserie Delarue et Salon de Consommations is situated just on the +edge of Europe. Being a place of extreme military importance I dare not +indicate its position with greater exactitude, but may go so far as to +say that it can be found by stepping off the boat, crossing the bridge +and then inquiring of the Military Police. Its importance is due to the +quality of its _crème éclairs_, which attract the gilded Staff in such +large numbers that the interior is usually suffused like an Eastern +sunset with a rich glow of red tabs and gilt braid. Within its walls +junior subalterns, now, alas, a rapidly diminishing species, dally +with insidious ices until their immature moustaches are pendulous with +lemon-flavoured icicles and their hair is whitened with sugared rime. + +There it was that Frederick discovered Percival feebly and mournfully +pecking at a vanilla ice. + +"Greeting, old Spartan," said he. "Training for the Murman coast?" + +"Would that I were!" replied Percival. "I'm refrigerating my sorrows. +I've tried to drown them, but they float; so I'm by way of freezing them +under." + +"Poor Perce!" murmured Frederick. "I suppose it's Cox again?" + +"_Au contraire_, I'm _his_ sorrow. My present trouble is that I've got +to find a wife." + +"Nothin' easier, old thing. Your photo in the illustrated papers, with +appropriate letterpress--" + +"You misunderstand me," interrupted Percival. "It's someone else's wife +I've got to find. _Écoutez_. Teddy Roker has got permission for his wife +to visit him out here. He's expecting her by this afternoon's boat and +has got a billet fixed up all right, but he's been suddenly rushed away +on a court-martial case, so he's asked me to meet her, and I've never +seen her before." + +"But didn't he give you the specifications--kind of descriptive return?" + +"That's just it!" groaned Percival. "He was only married last leave, and +his description goes like a Shakspearean sonnet. I gather that I've got +to look out for a combination of _Titania_, GLADYS COOPER and HELEN OF +TROY. I tried to nail him down to externals, but he only went off into +another rhapsody. + +"'What does she wear?' I asked. + +"'Wear?' said he dreamily. 'Oh! beautifully draped garments nebulous as +summer clouds and filmy as gossamer webs. Nothing really definite.' + +"'That sounds probable enough, as the present fashions go,'" said I. + +"Seems to me," said Frederick, "that this is a case to refer to higher +authority. The sleuth-hound instinct of one Frederick is indicated. +Having absorbed the available data I will e'en amble round myself to +assist you." + +"There speaks my stout-hearted haricot!" said Percival. "But be +careful. Teddy won't like it if he gets the wrong wife. He made a point +of that. So in case we miss each other your instructions are briefly +these: you will meet what you honestly think to be Mrs. Roker outside +the Customs House, explain Teddy's absence, take her to his rooms at 10 +_bis_, Rue Dufay, make her comfortable and report to me here at 6.15." + +Punctually at 6.15 they met again in the Pâtisserie Delarue. Both were +radiant. + +"'Tis done!" said Percival proudly; "and without the assistance of the +puissant Frederick. At 5.0 o'clock I was outside the Customs House and +saw her looking round with an anxious eye. 'Mrs. Roker, I believe?' said +I. She confessed right away, so I rattled her off in a cab to 10 _bis_, +Rue Dufay, and left her there nibblin' biscuits and drinkin' tea as +happy as a flapper." + +"Percival," replied Frederick slowly, "for sheer imbecility you have +surpassed yourself. I myself met Mrs. Roker outside the Customs House +at 5.30, being detained _en route_. I took her to 10 _bis_, Rue Dufay, +where at the present moment she is partaking of coffee and chocolate +caramels. Shortly, no doubt, she will discover the spurious female that +you have decoyed thither and the First Act of a triangle drama will be +rung up." + +"By Jazz," exclaimed Percival, "I'd stake my gratuity on the genuineness +of my Mrs. Roker. She knows Teddy's favourite breakfast food." + +"No," said Frederick decidedly, "mine is the only authentic article. All +others are imitations. She knows dearest Edward's size in gloves." + +"Well, we can't both be right." + +"Did Teddy say anything about expecting _two_ wives?" asked Frederick +hopefully. + +"Idiot!" said Percival. "As I see the situation, one of us--presumably +you--will presently be the central figure in a court-martial or police +court on a charge of abducting an innocent female. The remaining reels +in the film will be devoted to Teddy chasing you with a 5·9 howitzer +for jeopardizing his connubial happiness. But these unhappy concluding +incidents may be averted if you return the wrongful lady to her rightful +owner before Teddy gets back. So we'll take the necessary action +immediately." + +"But which one are we going to discard if they both claim to be the +genuine Mrs. R.? Hadn't we better wait for Teddy? He'd be almost sure to +be able to decide." + +"You make me tired. It's got to be settled before he comes back." + +It was a brace of dejected subalterns that wended their way to 10 _bis_, +Rue Dufay. Percival knocked at the door of the drawing-room and in +response to an invitation they entered. A pretty and extremely composed +young lady greeted them. + +"_My_ wife!" said Percival and Frederick simultaneously. + +"Excuse me," said the lady with dignity; "the only husband I possess at +present is Mr. Roker." + +"What I mean to say is," explained Percival lamely, "that you are the +wife of Mr. Roker that I met at the Customs--I mean, Mr. Roker's wife +that--" + +"Me too!" broke in Frederick. + +"Well, that's easily explained," said the lady, addressing Percival. +"After you had kindly escorted me here I suddenly remembered that I had +left my keys at the Customs House. Feeling confident of finding my way +about I returned for them. On emerging I was claimed by your fascinating +friend who is at this moment engaged in winding up his monocle +[Frederick guiltily stowed it away in his fob pocket]. He seemed so +delighted at having discovered me that I hadn't the heart to explain +that I'd been found before. Of course I'm excessively grateful to both +of you--Oh, here's dear old Teddy at last!" + +During the scene of rapturous greeting that followed Frederick showed +that he indeed had his moments of inspiration. + +"What about a vanilla ice at the Pâtisserie Delarue, old bean?" said he +to Percival. + +And, unnoticed by the happy couple, they stole silently away. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady who has been handed the card of wife of new +baronet-profiteer)._ "ER--LET ME SEE. DO I KNOW LADY HOGGINS?" + +_Butler_. "YOUR LADYSHIP HAS NOT RECEIVED HER SINCE THE CREATION."] + + * * * * * + + "Surplus Government Property for sale:--Brass Islets."--_Disposal + Board "Surplus" Magazine_. + +But why is the geographical position of this alluring archipelago not +given? Is it for enemy reasons? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORCE OF HABIT--THE SCRUM HALF.] + + * * * * * + +THE NEED OF OUR TIMES. + + ["The modern world is badly in need of a Pindar. Alone of the poets, + Pindar could do justice to the exploits of the day."--_The Times._] + + "We're badly in need of a Pindar" + To fan in these tropical days + Our stock of emotional tinder + With gusts of tempestuous praise; + To foster the flame, not to check it + Or let it die suddenly down, + In honour of HAWKER and BECKETT, + Of ALCOCK and BROWN. + + We do not require a CATULLUS + (We've MASEFIELD and WAUGH and SASSOON) + Nor pastoral pipers to lull us + To rest with a sedative tune; + But the worship of beer and of Bacchus + In verses familiar and free + Might win for a latter-day FLACCUS + A Knighthood (B.E.). + + Bland VIRGIL'S beyond resurrection; + The voice of the moment is harsh; + The nightingale's golden perfection + Offends the young ravens of MARSH; + ARISTOPHANES, grossly facetious, + Is but a "compulsory" god, + And HOMER as well as LUCRETIUS + Too frequently nod. + + There's scope for the truculent passion + Of JUVENAL'S masculine muse + To flagellate folly and fashion + In dress and in manners and views; + But we've plenty of prophets and poets; + We've few who are sober and sane; + We don't want another DE BLOWITZ; + We want a DELANE. + + * * * * * + + "BETTER BEER ON THE HORIZON." + + _Daily Express_. + +A beer in the hand is worth ten on the horizon. + + * * * * * + +A TUBE NIGHTMARE. + +Have you ever dreamed a dream of a terrible tube journey, in which every +one of the appalling things which might happen does actually occur? I +dreamed one last night. + +The journey began with a disaster. On reaching the booking-office window +I could not find any money, and it was only when the waiting crowd +behind me, which had mounted to hundreds, was becoming offensively +hostile that I succeeded in producing a five-pound note. + +The booking-clerk took her own time to count out the change, and on +leaving the window I found four policemen struggling to keep back an +infuriated mob of people, all shrieking imprecations and asking for my +blood. + +There was but one thing for it--to get to a train before this angry +horde could secure its tickets; so I made a wild dash for the +moving-staircase, shedding Bradburys _en route_ like a paper-chase. + +As I rushed past the ticket-puncher she made a vicious lunge at my +out-stretched hand with an enormous pair of pincers, missing the ticket +and partially amputating my thumb. + +As I have always expected to do, but have never yet done, I missed +my footing at the top of the escalator, and my desire to outstrip my +enemies was realised beyond my wildest hopes as I crashed, by a series +of petrifying somersaults, down the entire flight, to be belched forth +like a sausage from a machine at the bottom. + +Tattered, torn and in unspeakable agony I picked myself up and found my +steering-gear so damaged that I could only move sideways, crab-fashion, +and in this manner I crawled on to the platform just as a train was +beginning its exit. + +I make a leap for it. The gates crash to! Am I inside them or out? +Neither. I am pinned there with the first half of my body struggling +inside the car while the second half protrudes over the fast-receding +platform. + +I remember how in my agony it flashed across my mind that I would never +again slay a wasp with my fork. + +I must have been pulled into the car just in time to stop the tunnel +(which is a dreadfully close fit) from bisecting me, for the next thing +I remember was being dropped into a corner seat and severely admonished +by the guard for getting into the train whilst it was in motion. + +I was now a quivering and shapeless mass; nobody pitied me, nobody +helped me, so loathsome a spectacle did I present. + +Of course the train passed my station, and at the next I was thrown out +like a mail-bag, to be trodden on by massed formations of travellers +fighting to enter and leave the car by the same door at the same time. + +When the multitudes had dispersed and I was alone, by superhuman efforts +I contrived to wriggle on my stomach to the foot of the ascending +stairway, but not having sufficient strength to wriggle off on arrival +at the top, my long-dreaded horror of being sucked under the barrier, +where moving stairways disappear, was realised. + +By now immune to pain, I regarded the next process (akin to being passed +through a mangle) as child's play. To my amazement, after a few minutes +amongst giant cog-wheels, I again found the light on the down-going +staircase, which precipitated me to the spot from which I had started. + +Having thrice performed this revolution, by which time I was as flat as +a pancake, I was eventually scraped off by a porter and upbraided for +joy-riding. + +Finding that those rebukes left me unmoved, for I was practically +lifeless, certainly boneless, and, to their horror, ticketless, they +folded me up and put me in a drawer pending the arrival of the police. + +I was still there when the dream mercifully stopped. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Cyclist_. "WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU DRIVE ON THE +PROPER SIDE OF THE ROAD?"] + + * * * * * + +BIRD-LORE. + +II.--PEACOCKS. + + Peacocks sweep the fairies' rooms; + They use their folded tails for brooms; + But fairy dust is brighter far + Than any mortal colours are; + And all about their tails it clings + In strange designs of rounds and rings; + And that is why they strut about + And proudly spread their feathers out. + + R.F. + * * * * * + + "Wanted.--Good stage electrician. No good stage electrician."--_The + Stage_. + +There ought to be no difficulty in finding the latter. + + * * * * * + +CROSS COUNTRY. + +A Commander in the Senior Service is the man who gets things done; and +long experience has formulated for him a golden rule: "If you want to +get things done you must _see_ them done." This laudable maxim +applies in a lesser degree to all his subordinates, right down to the +newly-joined boy, who can't very well help seeing _some_ things done, +unless he makes a habit of working with his eyes shut--a practice which +does not appeal particularly to P.O.'s. + +The Commander of His Majesty's Battleship _Ermyntrude_ is far from being +an exception to the rule; he is a martyr to it. So are his officers. In +their enthusiasm they have let the rule run riot. You will soon see that +for yourself. + +The idea germinated in the practical head of the gunner. It pushed its +way into the upper air under the plain cap of the A.P. It budded under +the (slighted tilted) head-dress of Number One, and blossomed forth into +a full-blown project under the gilded oak-leaves that thatch the Bloke. + +He said, "The ship's company will run across country." + +The ship's company girded up its loins and awaited further orders. + +The course was decided upon. It ran from the signalling station on the +south of the island straight to the town on the north. There was no +possibility of making a mistake, because you could see the semaphore +from anywhere, and you would know when you got to the town because the +road stopped there. The various divisions of the ship were to compete +against each other. If you came in first you were to be given a ticket +numbered "one"; if second, a ticket numbered "two," and so on; and the +division which had the smallest total of pips at the end would be the +winner. + +At 8.15 the ship's pinnace landed the gunner on the town jetty at the +north end of the island. He had come to deal with the competitors when +they arrived at the winning-post. He had brought with him the bo'sun and +the carpenter, his own mate, the bo'sun's mate and the carpenter's +mate, four P.O.'s, the sergeant of Marines, a few leading stokers and +half-a-dozen hands; fifty fathoms of hawser-laid four-inch white rope; +six stout stakes (ash); bags, canvas, twelve (one to collect the tickets +earned by each division); and one thousand eight hundred tickets, +numbered from one to one thousand eight hundred. (There were only six +hundred and fifty runners, but it is well to be on the safe side.) + +He dug his stakes into the ground in a V-shaped formation just beyond +the place where the road ended and almost opposite the first cottage. +Further north he posted his canvas bags, which he fixed at a convenient +height above the ground by depending them from the necks of his +subordinates. He then rigged his rope around the stakes in such a way +that the runners, entering the wide end of the V, would be shepherded +one by one through a narrow aperture at the bottom, thus avoiding all +suspicion of overcrowding in giving out the tickets. He explained his +plan of campaign to his party and took up his post at the foot of the V. + +Scarcely had he done so when the A.P. appeared upon the scene. He had +brought with him a few friends--a couple of subs, two or three senior +snotties and the Captain's secretary, a brace of stewards with the +luncheon baskets, and the cutter's crew, who carried between them two +large trellis-work screens which the carpenter had knocked up for him. + +He passed the time of day with the gunner, marched fifty yards further +down towards the starting-point and had his screens deposited in the +middle of the road, in such a way that several could enter one end of +the enclosure they formed, but only one at a time could go out at the +other; this, he explained, would enable the men to pass the winning-post +in single file. He then lit a cigarette and took his stand at the narrow +end, producing from his pocket seven hundred and fifty neat red tickets +(numbered from one to seven hundred and fifty) which the chief writer +had made out for him the night before. + +At 8.45 Number One arrived. To help him he had brought a couple of +watch-keepers, a surgeon, three engineers, a naval instructor and the +captain of Marines. He only paused to borrow one side of the gunner's V +and all but forty of the A.P.'s tickets, and passed on down the road. +When he had reached a suitable point about a hundred yards south of the +A.P. he had the purloined rope stretched slantwise, in such a way that +the only means of passing it was a little passage a yard wide between +the rope and the ditch on the right of the road. A little nearer still +to the starting-point he had a large placard erected with the words +"Keep to the Right" painted on it. + +Punctually at 9.0 the Commander arrived with a piece of string and the +P.M.O. They took up their stand one on each side of the road opposite +the placard. The Bloke produced a small gold pencil, but, as he had +forgotten to bring any paper, he commandeered the placard and began +feverishly to write down all the numbers he could think of from one to +six hundred and fifty. + +You are no doubt anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Owner at 9.15. +Well, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. Still, although he did not come +in person, yet he made his presence felt, as every good skipper should. +At 9.15, as the ship's company were lining up for the start by the +semaphore, he made the signal from the ship:-- + +"Sailing at 13.30. Return immediately." + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF SIMLA. + +V.--PELITI'S. + + I troll you no song that will hinder you long, + I pen you no ponderous treatise, + The theme that I sing is a gossamer thing + As light as the cakes at PELITI'S. + + Grey roofs mid the pines and a heaven that shines + As blue as the water where Crete is, + The malachite green of a misty ravine, + That's the balcony view at PELITI'S. + + There are mortals, may be, who abominate tea + (One's poison another man's meat is), + Who shy at the touch of a crumpet--for such + There is music and love at PELITI'S. + + See that G.S.O.2 with the lady in blue; + Has she noticed where one of his feet is, + Or the issue that hangs on the plate of meringues + Which he buys her each day at PELITI'S? + + Here the rulers of Ind, from the Salween to Sind, + Take their ices and wafers (MCVITIE'S) + And elaborate schemes over chocolate creams + At five-o'clock tea at PELITI'S. + + And I think, when we die and the wraiths of us fly + To that peace which depends not on treaties, + The joys which we find will but serve to remind + Of the hours that we spent at PELITI'S. + + J.M.S. + + * * * * * + + "Thomas ---- was fined £5 £at £Oswestry yesterday for selling goods + to a German prisoner. + + The chairman said defendant had sold goods to the value of 11s, + 1-1/2d. Where the German had got that large sum of money from was + quite a mystery."--_Daily Paper_. + +It seems pretty evident from the report that there was a good deal of +money about somewhere. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I'M TOLD SHE'S ALWAYS WRITING TO HER DRESSMAKER ABOUT +NEW FROCKS." + +"I SUPPOSE SHE ENCLOSED A STAMPED AND ADDRESSED ENVELOPE FOR THAT ONE."] + + * * * * * + +A CRUSADER. + +One hears sometimes of pure altruists, but on analysing their purity an +alloy is perceptible. Although their work is for others, an element of +personal gratification is present. + +Personal gratification or self-indulgence is of course inevitable; as it +can even enter into grief and pain; but now and then it is reduced to a +minimum: as, I hold, in the latest activities for her fellow-creatures +in which my friend Mrs. Delta has embarked. + +During the War Mrs. Delta was indefatigable (I am not often sure of +my words, but I use this without a tremor of misgiving) in promoting +charities and collecting money to sustain them. At no time of day was +it safe to meet her, for you had to stand and deliver. There were no +privations due to the War which she was not out to mollify or remove, +and her ingenuity in discovering worthy objects was uncanny. + +As, however, War was raging and most people are, underneath, kinder than +not, she escaped very severe criticism and amassed some good round +sums. And, since all her various Funds had committees and meetings and +minutes, Mrs. Delta, although that may have been only the least among +her motives, was the recipient of certain expressions of gratitude. +Organised charity cannot elude votes of thanks. + +But that Mrs. Delta likes work for work's sake, apart altogether from +honeyed praises, is now beyond question, for the campaign she has just +inaugurated is unlikely to yield them. + +"You must," she said to me yesterday, "give me something for my new +scheme." + +"I hope I shall have enough strength of mind not to; but what is it?" + +"You have noticed in what a dreadful state so many of the shop windows +in London now are?" she asked. + +"The iniquitous prices of the goods?" + +"Oh, no; I didn't mean that. I mean the dropped letters. Where they have +glass letters stuck on, you know, and some have gone. Surely you must +have noticed?" + +"Yes, of course," I replied; "but I thought the shop-keepers were too +lazy or careless to bother. The War has increased carelessness, you +know." + +"No, it isn't that," she said. "The poor fellows are so understaffed and +overworked that they can't find time. My idea is to raise a fund so +that it can be done for them. My heart aches. Only this morning I saw a +barber's with ASH AND RUSH UP on it; and a confectioner's"--she referred +to her notebook--"with ICE REAMS, and an undertaker's with PINKING ONE + ERE." + +"What is pinking?" I asked. "I always wanted to know." + +"And," she continued, again consulting her book, "a tobacconist's with +BEST OLDEN VIRGIN , and a dentist's with PA LESS EXTRACTION. Something +really must be done. Don't you agree?" + +I murmured that there were other abuses that were possibly more in need +of immediate redress, but Mrs. Delta again turned to her book. + +"And a dairyman with FAMILIES UP LIE , and a stationer's with LUE LACK +INK. Isn't it distressing?--and so bad for growing children to see so +much slovenliness. And what can foreigners think of us? The Americans, +for instance, who are always so spick and span, and--" + +The means of rescue came to me in the shape, of a vast monster on +wheels, bright with yellow and scarlet, thundering over the road. +"That's my bus," I said, and ran. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father (to troublesome small boy_). "NOW LOOK HERE, +TONY. I SHAN'T WARN YOU AGAIN. THE VERY _NEXT_ TIME YOU MISBEHAVE YOU +GO _STRAIGHT_ UPSTAIRS TO BED." + +_Small Sister_. "AND THAT'S _THAT_. ISN'T IT, DADDY?"] + + * * * * * + +THOSE DRESSES. + +_(Being a Midsummer Night's Dream, or thereabouts.)_ + + More gay than day and plumier + Than Birds of Paradise, + It was no Court Costumier + That made them look so nice; + No milliners nor drapers + On mortal business terms + Of those sweet modes were shapers, + Though several evening papers + Mention the actual firms. + + But fairies wove that raiment + Of starshine and of flowers; + They asked no better payment, + They craved no shorter hours; + With eglantine and lilies + They worked a June night long, + And that is just where "Phyllis" + In "Ascot frocks and frillies" + Goes absolutely wrong. + + 'Neath beech-tree and 'neath cedar, + In rings of moonlit green.... + What bilge, you say, good reader? + My very dear old bean, + Think of the state of Prices, + Think of the slump in Trade, + Turn to the Paris Crisis, + Ponder the cost of ices + And buns and gingerade. + + New War-loans shriek for money; + All work is at an end; + It seems extremely funny + There's any cash to spend; + Yet still the tide of laces, + The foam of fluff and silk + Comes round in cardboard cases + To lots of people's places + As punctual as the milk. + + While, sworn to get revenge in, + And waiting at the door, + That grim three-handed engine + Prepares to strike once more, + Who built these gowns we mutely + Admire on lawn and lea? + Who bought them (think acutely), + With England absolutely + As broke as she can be? + + Therefore I say the fabric + Was wrought of faery woof, + Not made in walls of drab brick + Nor won with mortal oof; + Delicate, dream-like, pretty + As sunshine after rain, + Worn by Miss Hodgson ("Kitty")-- + It seems a dreadful pity + She spilled the iced champagne. + + Therefore I say that, toiling + With wild white roses' bloom-- + No printers' vats a-boiling + Nor labour of the loom-- + With fern and foxglove chalice + On tiny feet or wings + Titania's elves made sallies, + And that's how Lady Alice + Had on those lovely things. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +A HAPPY THOUGHT. + + "When the blessing had been pronounced and the bridal pair were + kneeling at the altar Dame Nellie Melba, wearing a blue dress and + hat, crept from the side chapel to the choir and to the joy of the + audience sang the pathetic 'Ave Maria' that Desdemona sings in the + last act of Verdi's _Othello_ when she feels her predestined doom + approaching."--"_Evening Standard" on a Society wedding_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Bottomley objects to By Jingo." + + _Daily Paper_. + +Yet in one or another of his "powerful" articles we seem to have seen +something like "Damn the Kaiser" and "To Hell with Hindenburg." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PHILANDERER. + +SINN FEIN. "BE MINE." + +PRESIDENT WILSON. "I DO HOPE I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU TOO MUCH +ENCOURAGEMENT--BUT I CAN NEVER BE MORE THAN A BROTHER TO YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Australian_. "'OO's YER SWELL PAL, +DIGGER?" + +_Second Ditto_. "I DUNNO HIS NAME, BUT I REMEMBER HIS FACE. I GIVE HIM A +BIT OF BACON JUST OUTSIDE ST. QUENTIN."] + + * * * * * + +WHY DRAG IN MRS. SIDDONS? + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Nothing annoys me more than the assumption that +wit, learning, fancy, etc., were the monopoly of the past. For +example, a correspondent of one of our leading dailies has +been trotting out Mrs. SIDDONS' use of blank verse in familiar +conversation, and quoting from LOCKHART:-- + +"John Kemble's most familiar table-talk often flowed into blank +verse; and so indeed did his sister's [Mrs. Siddons']. Scott (who +was a capital mimic) often repeated her tragic exclamation to a +foot-boy during a dinner at Ashestiel-- + + 'You 've brought me water, boy,--I asked for beer!' + +Another time, dining with a Provost of Edinburgh, she ejaculated, in +answer to her host's apology for his _pièce de résistance_-- + + 'Beef cannot be too salt for me, my lord.'" + +This is all very well, but just as good blank verse is commonly used by +eminent men and women to-day; indeed some of them excel in impromptu +rhymes. Thus in Mr. HAROLD WESTMORELAND'S interesting volume, +_Eavesdroppings_, there is this charming story of the first meeting +of Madame CLARA BUTT and Miss CARRIE TUBB. They were introduced at a +garden-party at Fulham, and Mr. WESTMORELAND overheard the memorable +quatrain in which Madame CLARA BUTT greeted her sister-artist:-- + + "In our names we 're alike + But in minstrelsy--ah no! + For I'm a contralto + And you're a soprano." + +To the same veracious chronicler I am indebted for a specimen of the +impromptus which Lord READING frequently throws off, to the delight of +his friends. Mr. WESTMORELAND was having a pair of boots tried on at +a famous Jermyn Street bootmaker's when Lord BEADING was undergoing a +similar ordeal, and electrified the courteous assistant by observing:-- + + "The right-foot boot to me seems rather tight; + The left, _per contra_, feels exactly right." + +But perhaps the finest exponent of the art is a famous General, whose +_obiter dicta_ in verse are innumerable. I have only space to quote one, +spoken to a soldier with whom he had shaken hands:-- + + "You are the proudest man in France, + Or at any rate in Flanders, + For you've shaken hands, in a great advance, + With the greatest of Corps Commanders." + +Surely in the light of these examples, which might be indefinitely +multiplied, there is no need for the present to fear comparison with the +past in the sphere of conversational verse? + +I am, dear Mr. Punch, + +Yours faithfully, + +NOSTRI TEMPORIS LAUDATOR. + + * * * * * + +CULTURE IN THE STY. + + "Yorkshire Pork Pies, possessing character and individuality, 5 lb. + Price, 15s.--_Daily Express_. + + * * * * * + + "COLUMBUS OF THE AIR. + + Captain Alcock's Story of his Great Atlantic Flight."--_Dublin + Evening Telegraph_. + +Would not Vimy-bus be better? + + * * * * * + +Slough Verdict: _Dulce est de-Cippenham in loco_. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE CINDERELLA MAN." + +The importation of theatrical sweet-stuff from America is of course a +growing industry. The latest consignment, _The Cinderella Man_, first +arrived in this country in the form of a novel, and the difficulty it +offered was that the struggling hero, _Anthony Quintard_, whose fate +depended, in the absence of common-sense, on his winning a ten thousand +dollar prize for an opera libretto, seemed to me, from samples of his +work exhibited, to be an unlikely competitor. But I must say that when +at the play I saw our Mr. NARES in his garret sucking at his pipe in +that masterful manner and modifying what might so easily have been a too +sticky situation with a charmingly light touch, I began to think better +of _Anthony's_ chances and therefore necessarily of Mr. EDWARD CHILDS +CARPENTER'S general idea. For the author obviously may claim the credit +of this reading, even if I harbour an obstinate private suspicion that +it was only by a very deliberate and steadfast determination on the +part of Mr. NARES as hero and Mr. HOLMAN CLARK as matchmaker that this +particular reading prevailed. + +Mr. CARPENTER doesn't believe in mystifications. He explains everything +with the completest candour in his first Act, from which you gather that +a millionaire's daughter, returning from Paris to the immense stuffy New +York mansion, is desperately lonely, and has also cut herself free from +an unsatisfactory affair of the heart; that a young poet, a friend +of the millionaire's sentimental lawyer, is also lonely, living like +_Cinderella_ (isn't this wrong?) in an attic next-door, proud as poor; +that another friend of the millionaire has offered a prize for a +libretto. Having thus put the rabbit, the bird-cage and the flowerpot +into the hat in front of you he proceeds in a leisurely manner to take +them out again. + +The young millionairess, posing as a poor "companion," visits the +starveling poet _viâ_ the snow-covered roof and the attic window, +bringing food, stoves, coverlets, wool to mend his socks and ideas to +mend his opera. Naturally here were opportunities of unlimited business, +during which _Marjorie_ (Miss RENÉE KELLY) looked perfectly sweet, as I +heard more than one ardent young lady declare to approving lieutenants. + +Miss KELLY has indeed all the air of a heroine of honeyed romance. In +particular she played one episode, the trying over of a new song, in +a winningly natural manner. I found the way in which she flapped her +eyelids a subject of puzzled study. I have not observed that maidens in +real life indulge in these calisthenics. This is perhaps as well; they +are evidently very deadly. Within a fortnight of their being brought +into action poet _Quintard_ is in the _Kamerad_ stage. Not _Anne +Whitfield_ herself exhibits more explicitly the urgency of the life +force, the will to wed. + +Mr. OWEN NARES, who has a following more than sufficient to justify his +recent assumption of management, gave a very attractive and indeed, +within the limits imposed by the piece, a distinguished performance +as the proud and hungry poet. An extreme naturalness of pose and +intonation, without over-stresses or affectations, characterised this +agreeable study. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, that finished actor in the bland +manner, very adroitly, as I have hinted, settled the mood of the piece +and made the good appear the better line and the ordinary line good. Mr. +SYDNEY VALENTINE had a Valentine part ready made. It would take more +than an indisposition, which he pluckily ignored, to put him off his +stroke. Mr. TOM REYNOLDS was effective as a maudlin serving-man who +had once butled a real gentleman and could never forget it. Miss ANNIE +ESMOND gave a depressingly clever rendering of a quite unbelievably +appalling landlady. + +[Illustration: A Fairy Godmother (Miss RENÉE KELLY) reduced to tears by +the unsusceptibility of her Godchild (MR. OWEN NARES).] + +Altogether a pleasant wholesome evening's entertainment. Young men and +maidens of our day needn't hesitate to take their parents. + + +"ST. GEORGE AND THE DRAGONS." + +There is much more of the substance of wit and truth in Mr. EDEN +PHILLPOTTS' "Devon comedy" at the Kingsway. The _St. George_ of the +title is not the Cappadocian, but that somewhat irreverent Father in +God, _St. George Loftus_, Bishop of Exeter; the dragons are two quite +unsuitable suitors for the hands of _Monica_ and _Eva_ (daughters of +his dull old friend, _Lord Sampford_), who don't believe in class +distinctions. _Monica's_ young man is the son of a yeoman farmer, +personable, certainly, on horseback and of a blood older than the +_Sampfords'_, but an essential resilient, and altogether impossible when +playing the concertina or after mixing his drinks (or both). _Eva's_ +follower is a brilliant raw young man from Glasgow, recently ordained, +with professional ambitions as pronounced as his accent. + +The parents try the now exploded method of direct opposition. _St. +George's_ weapons are smooth words and a heart chokefull of guile. Does +his god-daughter _Monica_ want to elope with her yeoman? By all means +let love have his sacred way. But his lordship will contrive in the +_rôle_ of a strayed and bogged fisherman to be at Stonelands Farm before +the young couple arrive _en route_ for London and the registry-office, +and he will see to it that _Monica_ learns what the daily life of a +working farmer is like, and what the beer (or bad champagne for festal +occasions) and rabbit pie in the kitchen; with sudden frank explanations +as to the imminence of the crisis in the interesting condition of +_Snowdrop_ the Alderney; what, too, is the Stonelands' notion of music +and the dance, with Teddy's braying concertina and cousin Unity's +quavering treble and the ragged bass and candid speech of old _Caunter_, +the head man.... So much for _Monica_. + +And _Eva_ thinks she wants to tie herself to this crude Glaswegian. +Well, here it will be best to insinuate to the young man how unfortunate +it is that the vacant chaplaincy to the Bishop of Exeter is designed +for a celibate, and to the young woman that to marry so brilliant (and +ingenuous) a youth is to hang a millstone round his neck. For, after +all, muses the prelate, revealing dreadful depths of low cunning and +perfidy, it's easier to change a chaplain than a husband. + +A thoroughly amusing affair. Of course Mr. PHILLPOTTS shirks his +problem, _Teddy Copplestone_ need not have been a bounder (the odds +indeed were against it), nor need his cigars, his champagne or his music +have been so bad. But then we should have missed a diverting piece of +fun and have been saddled with a solemn problem-play unsuited to the +(alleged) gaiety of the hour. + +The general level of the playing was high, and, after a somewhat nervous +opening (and perhaps just a few affectations of the fourth-wall school), +the piece swung into a pleasant rhythm. + +Mr. ERNEST THESIGER interprets with consummate ability Mr. PHILLPOTTS' +amusing and original creation, this puss-in-gaiters Machiavelli, _St. +George Exon_. Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY (_Monica_), in the familiar _rôle_ of +beauty in revolt, had an easy task, which she fulfilled very agreeably. +Miss ALBANESI (_Eva_) put brains and fire and (not at all a negligible +gift of the gods) precise enunciation into her work. Mr. FEWLASS +LLEWELLYN and Miss MARY BROUGH were quite delightful as old +_Copplestone_ and his wife. Mr. CLAUDE KING as _Teddy Copplestone_ had +perhaps the most difficult task, a part that by no means played itself, +but needed a sustained skill, duly forthcoming. But I think the +performance that pleased me most was that of Miss EVELYN WALSH HALL, a +name new to me, in the small part of _Unity Copplestone_, played with a +directness and sincerity which was quite distinguished. + +Let me add that the flapping of eyelids (to which I have referred in my +remarks on _The Cinderella Man_) is here also a feature. One member +of the cast (of my own sex, too) gave a display of virtuosity in this +_genre_ which was technically superb. + +Two insignificant details of management caused me some amusement. +The solemn clang of a gong presaging doom as dire as OEDIPUS'S (and +incidentally inaudible to cigarette smokers in the foyer) gives notice +of the resumption of the play, while at the end of the Acts the curtain +flutters up and down at a feverish pace as if the idea was to get in as +many "calls" as possible before the applause stops. Are we as guileless +as all that, I wonder? And, anyway, no such manoeuvre was necessary. The +applause was hearty, the laughter spontaneous, and anybody who cares for +plays made and played with brains should go and see this engaging piece. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Taxi-driver._ "WHERE ARE WE ALL OFF TO?"] + + * * * * * + +THE SPREAD OF DEMOCRACY. + + "The Earl of Loudoun, whose English seat it is, possesses eight + jeerages."--_Field_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "'Honour among thieves' is an old saying, but the pickpocket who + stole Lieut.-Commander Grieve's watch during his reception was an + exception to the rule."--_Illustrated Leicester Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + +A correspondent asks us if there is any truth in the statement that +Peace will be signed in time for the Peace Celebrations. At the moment +of going to press it is still doubtful. + + * * * * * + + "NOTE.--The Swan used in this Production is supplied by the + well-known firm of Messrs. Swan and Edgar, Piccadilly Circus, + London."--_Programme of Shakespeare Theatre, Liverpool_. + +We understand that the business is in the charge of Mr. EDGAR during his +partner's absence. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_Jinny the Carrier_ (HEINEMANN) was, as Mr. ZANGWILL lets us know in a +felicitous epistle-dedicatory to an evidently charming lady, designed as +a "bland" and leisurely book, free from any trace of war's horrors or +modern perplexities, the sort you could read comfortably with a sore +throat on you. I think if I had not been in such rude health I might +have managed the five hundred and eighty odd close-set pages without +getting just a little tired of his worthy Essex peasants of the time of +the great Hyde Park Exhibition. _Jinny_ herself is a perfect darling, of +real wit and character, and her business as the local carrier gives a +plausible machinery for the introduction of an enormous number, a truly +Dickensian profusion, of subsidiary characters. _Jinny_ indeed is above +criticism, but the trouble with many, indeed with most, of the others, +seemed to me to be their exaggerated sprightliness of speech, just a +little too clever to be credible and not quite amusing enough to be +palatable in large doses. To me the real pleasure of the book comes from +the author's craftsmanlike use of words and the humour and imagination +of his descriptions and asides. But if I may be humbly candid beyond the +custom of my trade I must confess to an uncomfortable impression +that sounder qualities in the reviewer would have discovered greater +qualities in the work. + + * * * * * + +I rather suspect Mrs. GERTRUDE ATHERTON of having written _The +Avalanche_ (MURRAY) either for the amusement of exercise in an +unfamiliar medium, or, well, for any motive that might explain a +production certainly not quite up to her own standard. Its publishers +(who may be prejudiced) consider _The Avalanche_ as "a brilliant and +engaging study of mystery and romance;" me it impressed as a melodrama +dependent on one long-heralded sensation, which proves on tardy arrival +an affair of disappointment. I suppose I must be careful not to give +away the mystery, such as it is. _Price Rugler_ was anxious to discover +why his attractive wife assumed a worried look when money was mentioned +and fainted on being told that she was not to wear the family ruby at a +particular masque. All this happened (you may not be astonished to hear) +in San Francisco, amongst that luxurious, idle, over-moneyed society +whose manners Mrs. ATHERTON knows and describes so well. _Price_ had +already found out, with the assistance of a not too brilliant detective, +that his wife's mother derived her income from a gambling saloon; +the remaining problem was how to link up this knowledge with the odd +behaviour of _Mrs. Price_. Perhaps you see it already. She had been--No, +I said I wouldn't, and I won't. Of course the discovery couldn't be +called cheerful, though it was fortunately made in time to prevent any +great harm. But it was nothing like an avalanche. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORY. + +INCONSIDERATE FLAPPER WAYLAYS KING JOHN ON HIS RETURN FROM SIGNING MAGNA +CARTA AT RUNNYMEDE.] + + * * * * * + +It is much harder, I am afraid, to be a good Bengali than a good +Englishman. _Nikhil_, the Rajah of Sir RABINDRANATH TAGORE'S _The Home +and the World_ (MACMILLAN), persists in treating _Sandip Babu_ (a +convinced Nietzchean in philosophy and a Nationalist of the most +inflammable type) as an honoured guest of his household, in spite of the +fact that he differs from the fellow profoundly on every conceivable +topic and is well aware, moreover, that _Sandip_ is rapidly winning the +heart of his Rani, _Bimala_. _Nikhil_, you see, considers that "all +imposition of force is weakness," and that "only the weak dare not be +just." Most Westerners, I think, would have kicked the rhapsodical and +rather plausible agitator out-of-doors and felt all the better for it +from the boot-toe upwards. The real truth is that the story, which is +written in the form of a triple autobiography (_Nikhil, Sandip_ and +_Bimala_ all taking a hand at telling it in turn) is an exposition of +two views of Suadeshi, or what may be called the Sinn Fein movement in +India. _Nikhil_ is the apostle of "self-realisation" as a moral force; +_Sandip_ believes in grabbing whatever you can. The latter first deifies +his country (_Bande Mataram,_ or "Hail, Mother!" is the Nationalist +motto) and then identifies _Bimala_ with the object of his worship, +which seems a very convenient theory. As for _Bimala_, she wavers +between the two. The romantic interest of the book (which is, by the +way, a translation) breaks down rather badly when it becomes clear that +_Sandip_ is not really a big enough man to make a complete conquest +of the Rani; but from every other point of view it is supremely +interesting. And if _Nikhil_ might perhaps have been improved by a +little less force of character and more of shoe-leather, _Bimala_, at +any rate, is a delightful personage. + + * * * * * + +Even "KATHARINE TYNAN" must sometimes fall below her own standard, and +_The Man from Australia_ (COLLINS), though written with considerable +grace and charm, is too thin in plot to be altogether satisfactory. +_John Darling_, a youngish man of wealth and an extremely liberal +disposition, came from Australia to visit his connexions in the West of +Ireland and--if opportunities occurred--to help them. Opportunities did +offer themselves in abundance. The _Adairs_ in their various ways were +ripe for a benefactor of the _Darling_ type to appear, and _John_ soon +got busy. In the course of his activities--for it would have been unkind +(and very dull) to bring him all the way from Australia to Ireland just +to serve as a travelling relief-fund--he is made to fall in love with +one of the _Adair_ girls. And that's almost the whole story. One may +always trust Mrs. HINKSON to get her atmosphere right; but she is not so +happy in her attempt to contrast the preternaturally unselfish _Darling_ +who, like an earlier _Mr. Darling_, would have been content to live in a +kennel) with the inordinately self-indulgent father of the _Adairs_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EPILOGUE] + +THE NEW ORDER OF THINGS. + +"I assume," said the Cynic, "that you are sufficiently sanguine to +rejoice in the prospects of Peace." + +"I derive a certain satisfaction from those prospects," replied Mr. +Punch on a note of reserve. + +"But you ought to be jazzing for joy, like the other fools in their +Paradise of nigger minstrelsy." + +"My years excuse me from choric exercises," said the Sage. "And, anyhow, +it doesn't take me that way." + +"Then you are not in the movement. You are not in touch with the +spiritual pulse of our throbbing Metropolis; you take no active part in +the New Life that is springing from the seed of England's sacrifices. +True, your years, as you say, are against you, however well you wear +them: it is to the young that we look first for signs of the great +Regeneration. And in particular we look to those who are to be the +mothers of that future race which should reap the full harvest of our +blood and tears. + +"And what do we find?" continued the Cynic. "We find a contempt for the +old virtues of simplicity and reticence; we find the distinction of sex +wiped out, and with it all reverence and sense of mystery. Nature is a +back number with them; they must for ever be plastering their noses +with powder--not just privily, as used to be the better way of faded +charmers, but shamelessly in public places. In dress they barely keep +within the bounds of decency prescribed by the police. They make their +own advances, rounding up and capturing their 'boys' for partners, +lest the haunts of jazzery should be closed against them. And in this +competition for their favours the good modest fellows who only a little +while ago were fighting our battles for us are now giving themselves the +airs of spoilt beauties. What do you make of all this in your scheme of +Renaissance?" + +"I admit much of what you say," said Mr. Punch, "but I ascribe it, in +part at least, to a natural reaction from the strain and horror of War." + +"'Reaction'!" snorted the Cynic. "A very comfortable word. But what were +the sufferings from which they are 'reacting'? The loss, you will say, +of the flower of our chivalry in battle? Well, one would think that +might have steadied them. Is this what our manhood died for--to make a +British carnival?" + +"I don't pretend to understand that side of it," said the Sage, "but I +know that during the War we respected the silence of their grief; and I +know that nature must choose its own way of recovering from a loss and +reasserting its claim to happiness. Remember, too, that War must always +have its demoralising features, however splendid the cause for which you +are fighting. 'Let us eat and drink, for to-morrow we die,' says the +soldier in his brief intervals of release. And some of us at home went +more than half-way to meet him, imitating an attitude excusable in him +but not in us. And that attitude is bound to survive for a little time +the causes that induced it. But you must not forget that many of the +type which you are now attacking did noble work in the War; and they +will do it again." + +"That may be," said the Cynic; "but is it necessary to have an orgy of +_Carmagnole_ in between?" + +"I think perhaps it is like the case of a crew or a team going out of +training. They permit themselves a certain relaxation before they start +training for the next contest. But I think too that there is something +to be said for your reference to the _Carmagnole_. We are passing +through a phase of Revolution, very natural after a great upheaval. The +sense of freedom--the very thing for which we have been fighting--is apt +to turn the heads of the young and thoughtless. There is a spirit of +rebellion in the air, which at its worst takes the form of Bolshevism, +but here is seen in a relatively harmless shape as a general revolt +against social restriction, a general passion for what is known as 'a +good time.' In any case it is only a passing phase. Already there are +signs of a reaction from this reaction; of a return to the decency of +other days. They tell me, for a slight but significant indication, that +the waltz is coming back; that we may even look to see a revival of the, +minuet and pavane." + +"Then it is just a question of a cycle of vogues? We are to be swayed by +recurring gusts of fashion, and not inspired by a fixed ideal." + +"Fashion counts with us, of course, for we are human and some of us are +feminine. There was a fashion of patriotism as there is now a fashion of +something that might easily be mistaken for its opposite. But the range +of its influence is largely confined to a rather negligible element in +London, the most provincial of capitals. The Press--and notably the +Photographic Press--gives it a prominence out of all relation to its +importance. The great majority are untouched by it. They talk little +and they advertise less. But in a thousand quiet ways they are setting +themselves to make good." + +"To make good money, you mean. Our world seems made up of profiteers and +of those who would be profiteers but can't, and so abuse those who can. +Can you name to me a period when there was a wilder rush for wealth, or +a more blatant display of luxury? Sometimes I wish the War back; England +was at her best when the call for sacrifice came home to her. But +how--we hear great talk of Reconstruction, but I am reminded rather of +the Restoration." + +"My friend," said the Sage, "I shall believe that this too is only a +temporary phase. Memory is not our strong point, but you can perhaps +throw back your mind to a year ago and recall how near we came to +the ruin of our hopes. Victory took us by surprise; and we were less +prepared for Peace at that moment than we ever had been for War. And, +just as in the first days of the fighting we went astray, running after +the cry, 'Business-as-usual,' so to-day we are making as bad a mistake +when we run after 'Pleasure-as-usual'--or rather more than usual. But +we soon revised that early error, and we shan't waste much time about +revising this. For though we lacked imagination then, and still lack +it, we have the gift, perhaps even more useful if less showy, of common +sense. And when common sense is found in natures that are honest and +hearts that are clean it may make mistakes, but not for long. + +"No, I am an optimist, and an incorrigible old fool, if you like, but I +am certain that the spirit which won the War is not going to fail us +at this second call. Perhaps we have only been waiting for the actual +consummation of Peace to settle down to our new and greater task. + +"And now I must excuse myself from further dialogue, having a mission +to perform in connection with this very task. I go to distribute a +corrective for some of the evils of Peace, as indicated by you. My +motor-lorry, stuffed with samples, awaits me without." + +"And what is the nature of your patent medicine?" said the Cynic, very +cynically. + +"It is," replied Mr. Punch, very confidently but also very +modestly,--"it is a little thing of my own. It is, in fact; my + +[Illustration: ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIXTH VOLUME".] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + * * * * * + +CARTOONS. + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD + Babes in the Wood (The) 25 + Bear Turns (The) 443 + Cinderella 183 + Cramping his Style 283 + "Dora" discomfited 63 + Dove at Sea (The) 303 + "Dry" Humour 123 + England Expects 163 + Faith Restored 463 + First German Victory (The) 83 + Foch-Terrier (The) 203 + Germany Draws the Pen 383 + Ghosts at Versailles 363 + Giving Him Rope 143 + Honour Satisfied 423 + In the Subscription Lists 483 + Irresistible Claim (An) 223 + Loving Cup (The) 403 + Military Muzzle (The) 343 + 1919 Model (The) 9 + Overweighted 243 + Peril Without (The) 263 + Philanderer (The) 503 + Progressive Weight-lifter (The) 103 + Reckoning (The) 323 + World's Desire (The) 43 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. + Another Threatened Industry 215 + Army of Unoccupation (The) 275 + Cautious Dictator (A) 375 + Cheerful Pachyderm (The) 315 + Dawn of Intelligence in Berlin 155 + Distractions of an Indispensable 235 + Easter Offering (The) 295 + Finishing Touch (The) 475 + Goose that Lays the Golden Eggs (The) 135 + Great Renunciation (The) 415 + Home from Home (A) 175 + Imperial Preference 355 + International Stakes (The) 435 + Lost Ally (The) 75 + New Commercial Traveller (The) 55 + New Issue (The) 455 + Order of Release (The) 95 + Peace Queue (The) 395 + Reconstruction; a New Year's Task 3 + Redress Rehearsal (A) 495 + Ruins of Empire 35 + Spring Defensive (A) 255 + Turn of the Tide (The) 195 + Victim (The) 115 + + TOWNSEND, F. H. + Menace of May (The) 335 + War Against the Public (The) 19 + + * * * * * + +ARTICLES. + + ANDERSON, MAJOR GORDON + Mistress and Maid 262 + + ARMSTRONG, H. + Labour Notes 449 + _Rus in Urbe_ 428 + + BAIN, CAPT. B. W. + Cast 134 + + BELL, ROBERT + _Autres Temps, Autres Moers_ 54 + Perfectly Unauthentic Anecdotes 234 + + BERRY, H. W. + To an Egyptian Boy 24 + + BIRD, CAPT. A. W. + Joshua 40 + + BRETHERTON, CYRIL + Bolshevismus 346 + Charivaria weekly + Coal 450 + _Dulce Domum_ 110 + Patriot's Reward (The) 217 + Songs of Innocence 432 + To a dear Departed 138 + To-day in the Food Garden 274 + War-Dogs' Party (The) 65, 88 + + BROWN, C. L. M. + Back to the Cam 374 + Good-bye to the Auxiliary Patrol 154, 174 + Rhymes of Rank 320 + Tragedy of Over-Education (A) 58 + + BROWN, J. B. + Contracts 148 + + BURGE, M. R. K. + Small-Talk 318 + + BURROW, C. K. + Red Wine of the Country (The) 186 + + CARTER, DESMOND + Bakerloonacy 407 + + CHANDLER, MISS B. W. + Collaboration. 366 + + COWAN, M. A. + Blighty Impressions 80 + + CRASTER, LIEUT. COL. J. E. E. + Edentulous Persons 114 + + CRAWFORD, CAPT. L. I. + N.Y.D. 448 + Propaganda in the Balkans 296 + + CUNDY, C. W. + "As You Were" 338 + Balaam Stakes (The) 474 + Error in Tactics (An) 456 + Spring Ideal (A) 414 + Tangled Triangle (A) 496 + + DARMADY, CAPT. E. S. + Poet (The) 476 + + DEANS, F. H. + Our Beauty Column 60 + + DE BANZIE, ERIC + Spoil-Sport (The) 314 + + DE STEIN, EDWARD + My Sergeant-Major-Domo 96 + + DIXEY, H. G. + Early One Morning 86 + + DRAKE, MAURICE + Diamond-cut-Diamond 408 + + DUKES, MAJOR A. + Pumpenheim 436 + + ELIAS, FRANK + With the Red Guards. 321 + + ELLIS, D. C. + Acute Angler (The) 136 + + ENGLEMAN, S. E. + Tendencies 126 + + FARJEON, MISS E. + Dancing demobilised 128 + State Lotteries 190 + + FENN, C. R. + Real Dalrymple (The) 96 + + FOOTE, S. H. W. + Maternal Instinct (The) 280 + + FOX-SMITH, MISS C. + Old Ships (The) 290 + Rhyme of the "Rio Grande" 34 + + FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE + Bird Lore 477, 499 + Blue Hat (The) 316 + Princess Charming 156 + Royal Interview (A) 468 + Trees and Fairies 74 + + GARSTIN, CROSBIE + Hairies (The) 402 + Mud Larks (The) 22, 68, 120, 156, 214, 260, 300, 360, 478 + Old Soldiers 342 + + GARVEY, MISS INA + Blanche's Letters 416 + Tea-cup Twaddle 254 + + GILLMAN, CAPT. W. H. + Career, (The) 54 + Career (Postponed) (The) 318 + Demobilisation Disaster (A) 20 + Macedonia 286 + Teaching Tommy 79 + + GLASGOW, GEORGE + Embarrassment and the Lawyer 454 + Game of the Telephone (The) 210 + + GRAHAM, R. D. C. + Brighter Side of Peace (The). 294 + + GRAVES, C. L. + Anti-Picadors (The) 5 + Brains and Baldness 345 + Celtic Counterblast (A) 366 + Conscription of Brains (The) 467 + Contra Appreciation (A) 139 + Literary Gossip 308 + More Musical Reconstruction 406 + Musical Gossip 23 + Musical Reconstruction 386 + Need of our Times (The) 498 + Passing of Greek (The) 298 + Recognition à la mode 446 + Renaissance (The) 429 + Silly Seasoning 248 + Test of Friendship (The) 208 + To M. Georges Clemenceau 182 + To the Speaker on his Re-election 117 + Weary Titan (The) 41 + Why drag in Mrs. Siddons? 505 + Winchester's Opportunity 106 + + GREENLAND, GEORGE + Going to the Bank 494 + + GUTHRIE, ANSTEY + Dogs' Delight 348 + Treacherous Son (The) 420 + + HEALY, LESLIE + Day (The) 410 + + HERBERT, LIEUT. A. P., R.N.V.R. + Anniversary (The) 369 + Another Crisis 102 + Appointment (The) 122 + Revolt (The) 349 + Space Problem (The) 207 + Spring Cleaning 377 + Thoughts in Committee 62 + + HODGE, H. S. V. + Chant Royal of Cricket 380 + + HODGKINSON, T. + Cricket Bargain (A) 480 + Plea for Proportion (A) 106 + + HODGSON, CAPT. N. + To a Chinese Coolie 150 + + HOLMES, CAPT. W. K. + Army of Entertainment, Ltd. 28 + Art in the Arctic 490 + Blanket Astray (The) 130 + Murman Amenities 418 + Murmansk Mosquito (The) 470 + Spring Modes at Murmansk 380 + + HOLT, R. G. + Local Colour 128 + + HOPWOOD, REAR-ADMIRAL + New Navy (The) 60 + + HUTCHINSON, H. G. + Fine Ear for the Haspirate (A) 80 + + HYSLOP, CAPT. A. F. + Last of His Race (The) 378 + + IMAGE, MRS. + Coal-Dust 160 + + IRVING, CAPT. L. H. + Tragedy of the Super-Patriot 257 + + IRWIN, FELIX + Mélisande's Point of View 438 + + JAGGER, ARTHUR + Ptero-dactyls 202 + + JAY, THOMAS + Charivaria weekly + Midget (The) 166 + + JENKINS, ERNEST + Daily and Maily 97 + New School (A) 85 + + KERR, S. P. + Counter-Revolutionary Collar 270 + + KIDD, ARTHUR + Drink of the Gods (The) 90 + + KILPATRICK, MRS. + _Français tel que l'on le parle (Le)_ 170 + _Nouvelles de Paris_ 140, 180, 220 + Peace Terms 320 + + KNOX, CAPT. E. V. + New Arm (The) 422 + Nomads (The) 398 + Revanche 362 + Those Dresses 502 + Veges on Strike (The) 490 + Waiting for the Spark 440 + Way Out 390 + + LANCASTER, G. B. + Our Bivvie 87 + + LANGLEY, MAJOR F. O. + Career (A) 179 + Watch Dogs (The) 10, 200 + + LEHMANN, R. C. + Bablingo. 327 + Consultation (A) 150 + Criticism in Excelsis 310 + End of the Volunteers (The) 70 + Father Thames Talks 86 + Hair Cutting and Dentistry 30 + Hanwelliad (The) 270 + Hardy Annual (A) 190 + Laxity in Quotations 368 + Milky Molar (The) 167 + More Alleviations 390 + Mrs. Bloggings's Statement 239 + New Game (The) 50 + Old Dog (An) 208 + + LEWIS, M. A. + Boy (Second Class) 6 + Business as Usual 442 + Cross Country 500 + Fearful Odds 322 + More Reprisals 38 + On the high C.'s 482 + Patriot Pig (The) 116 + Trump Suit (The) 180 + + LIAS, A. G. + Necromancers (The) 36 + + LIPSCOMB, CAPT. W. P. + How to throw off an Article 18 + Lèse-Majesté 48 + On the Rhine 196, 218, 276 + Road to the Rhine (The) 76, 176 + + LOCKER, W. A. + Essence of Parliament weekly during Session + Parliamentary Casualties 26 + + LUCAS, E. V. + Alas! poor Panther 460 + Another Historic Interview 2 + Art of Leaving (The) 188 + Beautiful Words (The) 168 + "Botches" 288 + C.K.S. and U.S.A. 388 + Clear the Galleries 258 + Crusader (A) 501 + Dramatists to the Rescue 246 + Expensive Amusement (An) 90 + Great Cold-Cure Debate (The) 198 + Our Friend the Fish 350 + Reports 30 + Romance while you wait 110 + Roofs of the Mighty (The) 486 + Transformation 56 + Visionary Triumph (The) 440 + + LULHAM, HABBERTON + On the Safe Side 121 + + MCMASTER, BRYCE + Ark (The) 158 + + MARTIN, N. R. + Evicted 94 + Novel Reconstruction 6 + + MASON, MRS. + Rime Fairies 140 + + MEEK, J. + Ballade of Approaching Baldness 459 + In Memory of Dora 8 + + MENZIES, G. K. + Cook (The) 382 + Polly 310 + Six-hour Day (The) 250 + + MILNE, A. A. + Arrival of Blackman's Warbler 356 + Getting Out 74 + Housing Question (The) 340 + Perils of Reviewing (The) 400 + To the Death 240 + Two Visits (The) 160 + + NICHOLSON, R. T. + Capital Outlay (A) 396 + + NORRISS, CECIL + Bird Notes 439 + Charivaria weekly + Germ (The) 368 + + OGILVIE, W. H. + Good-bye, Australians 36 + Little Grey Water 462 + + OYLER, MISS MADELINE + Literary Options 142 + + PARKES, J. W. + Demobilisation 162 + + PAYNE, H. H. + Occupied Opera 201 + + PHILLIPS, GORDON + _Après la Guerre_ 100 + + POOLE, J. C. + Civil Education for Soldiers 108 + + PRESTON-TEWART, A. + Another Pending Indemnity 488 + Communications 370 + Kismet 159 + + PRING, B. V. + Schloss Billet (The) 242 + + RIGBY, BEGINALD + Archaeologists (The) 480 + Boom in Architecture (The) 26 + Domestic Question Solved (The) 358 + Gallery Play 236 + Hints on Selecting an Aeroplane 458 + Sporting Chance (A) 430 + + ROACH, MISS M. E. + Brother Service (The) 8 + + ROBERTS, E. L. + Delysious Details 220 + + ROBINSON, J. P. + Linguist (The) 70 + + ROWAN-ROBINSON, MRS. + Daisy 230 + + SALVIDGE, STANLEY + Pink Georgette 308 + + SEAMAN, OWEN + America and Sinn Fein 494 + At the Opera 267 + At the Play 14, 228, 388, 410, 428, 488 + Brest--Bucharest--Versailles 394 + Cam Offensive (The). 134 + Counter-Order of the Bath (The) 374 + Hun as Idealist (The) 154 + Letters to People I don't know 354 + Monuments of the War 194 + "_Mutabile Semper_" 314 + New Order of Things (The) 509 + Paying Game (A) 294 + Peace at the Seaside 334 + Preliminary Dove: its Prospects 234 + Price of Freedom (The) 254 + _The Times_ as Peacemaker 274 + Tonic of March (The) 174 + To Peace, on her Celebrations 434 + To Robert of the Force 454 + Verdict of Democracy (The) 18 + + SHAKESPEARE, CAPT. W. G. + Souvenir of Cologne (A) 314 + + SHARPLES, HENRY + Ruling Passion (The) 434 + + SMITH, JAMES + F. E. 56 + + SOMERVILLE, MISS MAISIE + Humour's Labour Lost 460 + + STRUNSKY, SIMEON + Food Problem in Paris (The) 109 + Guaranteed 12 + + STUART, MISS D. M. + Last Watch of the Night (The) 302 + Swans of Ypres (The) 240 + + SUMMERSGILL, J. + Getting a Job 279 + + SYMNS, J. M. + Songs of Simla 414, 440, 460, 474, 500 + + TALBOT, MISS ETHEL + Fairies' Flitting (The) 266 + + TAYLOUR, COMMANDER BASIL + Opium Hound (The) 47 + Civilian Flying, 1930 336 + + THOROLD, R. A. + Lines to a Legionary 98 + To a March Brown, swallowed alive 229 + + THORP, JOSEPH + At the Play 268, 350, 506 + + THURGOOD, OWEN + House-Hunter (The) 248 + + TROTTER, MRS. + Visitor (The) 78 + + UPTON, CAPT. C. F. + Beetle of Buda-Pesth (The) 394 + Great Beard Mystery (The) 334 + Tube Nightmare (A) 498 + + WHEELWRIGHT, J. E. + Frost and Thaw 146 + Year's Reprisals (A) 328 + + WHITE, R. F. + Demobilised Daydreams 230 + Pair of Military Gloves (A) 194 + + WHITMARSH, F. J. + Shady Tenant (A) 420 + Truthful Traveller (The) 50 + + WODEHOUSE, E. A. + To an Unknown Colleague 1 + + +PICTURES AND SKETCHES. + + ACOCK, W. 372 + + ARMOUR, MAJOR G. D. 5, 151, 211 + + BATEMAN, H. M. 101, 181, 421, 498 + + BAUMER, LEWIS 15, 24, 39, 62, 81, 122, 142, 162, 182, 202, 222, 242, + 282, 302, 321, 342, 382, 409, 422, 436, 462, 502 + + BELCHER, GEORGE 147, 485 + + BIRD, W. 10, 17, 86, 113, 132, 152, 153, 272, 273, 308, 313, 378, 432, + 447, 481 + + BLAIKLEY, ERNEST 233 + + BRIGHTWELL, L. R. 329, 368, 406, 478 + + BROADHEAD, W. S. 351 + + BROCK, H. M. 4, 20, 97, 119, 137, 207, 238, 347, 369, 407 + + BROOK, RICARDO 12, 16, 26, 33, 52, 68, 88, 108, 148, 192, 210, 328, + 346, 373 + + COTTRELL, T. 59, 212, 229 + + DIXON, GEORGE 470 + + DOWD, J. H. 51, 176, 206, 257, 358, 391, 453 + + DOWD, L. P. 293, 431 + + FERRIER, ARTHUR 129, 248, 318 + + "FOUGASSE" 281, 353, 376, 469 + + FRASER, P. 216, 252, 253, 319, 333,410,438, 448 + + GARRATT, ARTHUR 46, 91, 106, 218, 312 + + GARSTIN, MISS ALETHEA 219 + + GHILCHIK, D. L. 38 + + GRAVE, CHARLES 67, 109, 118, 179, 247, 297, 317, 393, 397, 473 + + HARRINGTON, J. W. 112 + + HARRISON, CHARLES 167, 418 + + HART, FRANK 198, 399 + + HASELDEN, W. K. 14, 228, 268, 388, 428, 488, 506 + + HOLLAND, G. C. 288 + + HORNE, A. E. 356, 377 + + HOWELLS, CAPTAIN W. A. 61 + + JENNIS, G. 49, 79, 171, 231, 309, 367 429, 459 + + LEETE, ALFRED 40 + + LEWIN, F. G. 133 + + LONGMIRE, G. 93 + + MCHUTCHON, J. F. 172, 413 + + MAY, FRED. 348 + + MILLS, A. WALLIS 11, 28, 65, 78, 139, 199, 241, 258, 278, 307, 327, + 427, 451, 467, 479 + + + MORELAND, ARTHUR 58, 136, 287, 338, 491 + + MORROW, EDWIN 332 + + MORROW, GEORGE 7, 29, 47, 72, 73, 87, 98, 127, 138, 169, 209, 232, + 239, 259, 292, 381, 401, 412, 419, 452, 472, 492, 508 + + NORRIS, ARTHUR 507 + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD 1 + + PEGRAM, FRED 262 + + PETT, NORMAN 32, 352, 392 + + PRANCE, BERTRAM 66, 433 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. 189, 510 + + REYNOLDS, FRANK 27, 57, 77, 99, 111, 117, 161, 177, 201, 213, 221, + 249, 256, 277, 296, 316, 336, 357, 411, 441, 471, 476, 505 + + ROUNTREE, HARRY 486 + + SHEPARD, E. H. 41, 191, 251, 449, 458, 489 + + SHEPPERSON, C. A. 31, 45, 85, 105, 131, 168, 271, 291, 311, 349, + 371, 461 + + STAMPA, G. L. 13, 21, 37, 71, 89, 107, 126, 141, 159, 217, 236, 269, + 276, 298, 322, 339, 362, 379, 396, 416, 439, 466, 477, 501 + + THOMAS, BERT 178, 196, 267, 279, 299, 337, 341, 359, 387, 398, 426, + 442, 456, 497 + + THOMPSON, A. 92 + + TOWNSEND, F. H. 8, 23, 42, 53, 69, 82, 102, 121, 125, 145, 146, 149, + 157, 165, 173, 185, 188, 197, 205, 225, 226, 227, 237, 245, 246, + 261, 265, 266, 285, 286, 289, 301, 305, 306, 325, 326, 331, 345, + 361, 365, 366, 385, 386, 389, 402, 405, 417, 425, 437, 445, 446, + 457, 465, 482, 496 + + WILSON, H. R. 158, 187, 193, 487, 499 + + WOOD, STARK 493 + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, June 25, 1919, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11712 *** diff --git a/11712-h/11712-h.htm b/11712-h/11712-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ab4cd45 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/11712-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2326 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Windows (vers 1st November 2003), see www.w3.org" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= +"text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>Punch, June25, 1919.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .center + {text-align: center; } + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11712 ***</div> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 156.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>June 25, 1919.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page493" id="page493"></a>[pg +493]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>A man has written to the papers offering to buy five thousand +pounds of Joy Loan if the Government will get him a case of whisky. +The simple fellow does not seem to realise that if the Government +had anything as valuable as a case of whisky it would not have to +raise a loan.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The successful trans-Atlantic flight and the large number of +public-houses in Galway threaten to make prohibition in U.S.A. +nothing less than a farce.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Smoking, says a Church paper, is on the increase among boys. +Boys will be girls these days.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Smoking and bad language seem to go together, says Professor +GILBERT MURRAY. In the case of some cheap cigars we have often seen +them going together.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A bazaar has been held in Dublin for the purpose of securing a +fresh stock of wild animals for the Zoological Gardens. It is not +believed, however, that the popularity of Sinn Fein can be +seriously challenged.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Serbia," says an Italian news agency, "is purchasing large +quantities of war material and aeroplanes." It is feared, however, +that these elaborate Peace preparations may yet turn out to be +premature.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two German machine guns, it is stated, have been placed in a +provincial library. Even this, it is thought, will not prevent Mr. +H.G. WELLS from doing what he conceives to be his duty.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Labour unrest is reported from Spitzbergen. There is also a +rumour that the Greenlanders are demanding the nationalization of +blubber and a 180-day year.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is said to be some talk at Washington of the House of +Representatives inviting President WILSON to visit America +shortly.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Chicago Girls' Club has decided that its members shall have +nothing to do with young men. It is certainly getting to be an +effeminate habit.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>The Daily Mail</i> has presented a golden slipper for the +actress with the smallest feet. The slipper, we understand, is +quite new and has never been used on anybody.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An American gentleman is about to offer for sale his corkscrew, +or would exchange for something useful.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A very mean theft is reported from West Ealing. Not content with +stealing the loose silver a burglar is reported to have stolen the +muzzle from off the watch-dog.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The New Cross Fire Brigade have been awarded a Challenge Cup for +the quickest work. This brigade is now open to book a few orders +for fires during August, when they have several open dates.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We understand that a couple of young cheeses were kidnapped from +a Crouch Hill warehouse last week.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is a surprising fact, says a contemporary, that when LENIN +was born his parents were practically penniless. The greater +mystery is that his parents decided to keep him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A statistical expert has estimated that if all the questions +asked by Mr. SMILLIE at the Coal Commission's sittings were placed +one before the other they would lead to nowhere.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Over one hundred posters illustrating the danger of house-flies +have been exhibited in the Enfield district. It is doubtful whether +this will have the desired effect, for it is well known that flies +cannot read.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The price of a first-class interment, says a contemporary, has +risen from £3 18<i>s</i> 0<i>d</i>. to £5 15<i>s</i>. +0<i>d</i>. The result is that many people have decided to try to do +without one this year.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The arrival in England of a rare mosquito is reported by the +South-Eastern Union of Scientific Societies. It seems that the +insect had worked its passage to the British Museum. We think that +a sharper look-out should be kept on mosquitoes arriving at our +ports.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A painful episode is reported from Yarmouth. It appears that a +visitor, desirous of taking home a souvenir of his holiday, +thoughtlessly filled a bottle with sea water at low tide, with the +result that just before high tide the bottle burst, inflicting +serious injuries on the passengers in the railway carriage in which +he was travelling.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Out of nine applicants for the post of Language Master at a +well-known Public school, eight were proficient in at least five +languages. However, as the ninth man proved to be an +ex-Sergeant-Major, the eight immediately retired in his favour.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We now hear that the question regarding the possession of +Kladizatiffagtaliofatoffka, in Poland, which has caused so much of +the delay at the Peace Conference, has been satisfactorily settled. +The four Big Powers are to have a couple of syllables each and the +remaining three will be raffled for.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On account of the large number of robberies of safes that have +taken place in London during the last few weeks it is possible that +an effort will shortly be made to do away with these cumbersome +articles in order to stamp out the epidemic.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The bacteriologist of the Oyster Merchants' and Planters' +Association claims to have discovered a means of purifying polluted +mussels. To ascertain if a mussel requires to be purified examine +the whites of its eyes.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Newspapers have appeared again in Buenos Ayres. No other +troubles are anticipated.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href= +"images/493.png"><img width="100%" src="images/493.png" alt= +"I'VE CALLED TO SEE IF YOU COULD MAKE A MINATURE OF ME." /></a>"I'VE +CALLED TO SEE IF YOU COULD MAKE A MINATURE OF ME."</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page494" id="page494"></a>[pg +494]</span> +<h3>AMERICA AND SINN FEIN.</h3> +<blockquote class="note"> +<p>[Being a Republican's apology for the recent anti-British +agitation in the States.]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, never let it mar the mutual love,</p> +<p class="i2">That now unites us eye to eye,</p> +<p>If, superficially, we seem to shove</p> +<p class="i2">Our fingers in your Irish pie—</p> +<p>An action which, if you should so behave,</p> +<p>Would make old MONROE wriggle in his grave.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>How loath we are by nature to intrude</p> +<p class="i2">In things outside our own concern</p> +<p>Is witnessed by the European feud</p> +<p class="i2">In which we lately took a turn;</p> +<p>Ere WILSON'S mind was fixed to see you through it,</p> +<p>For years he wondered if he ought to do it.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And, when for Ireland's good we intervene</p> +<p class="i2">In matters patently remote,</p> +<p>You must not count our loyalty less keen—</p> +<p class="i2">We simply want the Irish vote;</p> +<p>'Tis an election stunt, this lion-baiting,</p> +<p>Designed for local Kelts who need placating.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>So, when our Yankee delegates rehearse</p> +<p class="i2">Their tale of Erin's bitter woe,</p> +<p>Of crimes, almost too bad to quote in Erse,</p> +<p class="i2">Committed by the Saxon foe,</p> +<p>Please understand why our apparent bias is</p> +<p>In favour of these nimble Ananiases.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And also why, for Ireland's dear, dear sake</p> +<p class="i2">(Meaning of course "Ourselves Alone"),</p> +<p>A lot of us would gladly let her take</p> +<p class="i2">Our WILSON for her very own,</p> +<p>To worship, like a god inside a tin fane,</p> +<p>As WOODROW ONE, First President of Sinn Fein.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O. S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>GOING TO THE BANK.</h3> +<p>She thought she had got a bargain. It was only marked "20/-," +and would have been double the price at any of the West-end places. +So she whipped out her Japanese note-case, paid for it, and carried +it off like a whirlwind lest the shopman should find he had made a +mistake.</p> +<p>But it was she who had made a mistake, and she broke the news to +me at breakfast on the following morning.</p> +<p>Two of her one-pound notes (or, to be exact, <i>my</i> one pound +notes) must have stuck together. She had paid the West-end price +after all.</p> +<p>Then, instead of blaming her own carelessness, as I should have +done, what must she do but attack Mr. LLOYD GEORGE?</p> +<p>"It's all his fault, this horrid dirty paper-money... Spreading +infection wherever it goes!"</p> +<p>It devolved upon me to defend the Government, which I did with +some heat, drawing forth another one-pound note casually, as though +I were made of them, and flourishing it in my hand.</p> +<p>"And anyway," I argued, "Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is not to blame. The +note does not bear his signature, but that of Sir JOHN BRADBURY. +And a fine bold signature it is—why, it's dirt-cheap for the +lesson in handwriting alone."</p> +<p>She did not appreciate that, because hers is a small scrabbed +writing. But I continued mercilessly—</p> +<p>"I bet he doesn't bite <i>his</i> lips when he's signing his +name."</p> +<p>"Extremely bad writing, I should call it," she retorted. "Look, +you cannot tell where the '<i>u</i>' ends and the '<i>r</i>' +begins."</p> +<p>"But aside from that," I resumed (I was very proud of this +expression, having picked it up from President WILSON)—"aside +from that, turn the note over, feast your eyes on the picture of +the Houses of Parliament. It too is thrown in for nothing. This at +least ought to appeal to you, with your enthusiasm for Gothic +architecture."</p> +<p>If looks could annihilate, that would have been my last boiled +egg.</p> +<p>"You think yourself very clever," she said, "and you are +supposed to understand all about money matters. Surely you know of +a bank where I can take these wretched notes and get gold instead, +the good old English gold that was worth its face-value all the +world over?"</p> +<p>I did not know she could be so eloquent. I rose and went to the +window. It was a noble morning.</p> +<p>"Yes," I said after a little reflection, "put on your best hat +and collect your paper-money. But try and pack it all into the +kit-bag if you possibly can." (She winced a little.) "I know a bank +where you will be able to get all the gold you want...."</p> +<hr /> +<p>Shoulder to shoulder we fought the good fight for the +motor-bus.</p> +<p>"Two to the Bank," I gasped.</p> +<p>But it was at Charing Cross station I made her descend. She +looked extraordinarily mystified, and I explained that the Bank's +country branches are the only ones where gold is still to be +had.</p> +<hr /> +<p>She and an empty milk-can and I were all that got out at the +little station in the hills. However, a cuckoo introduced himself +boldly by name. He seemed so near he might have been in the +booking-office. But the booking-office was deserted.</p> +<p>"There can't possibly be a bank in this out-of-the-world place," +she protested.</p> +<p>"Patience," I replied, leading her down a steep path between +high thick hedges to a small gateway. Through this we went, and I +heard her draw in her breath.</p> +<p>From our feet, as it seemed, up to the blue sky itself, one +golden glowing bank of buttercups and cowslips... and cowslips. It +was almost like trying to gaze at the noonday sun.</p> +<p>"There," I crowed, "you will be able to get all the gold you +want. Did I not say, 'I know a bank'?"</p> +<p>She did a curious thing. She put her arms round my neck and +kissed me.</p> +<p>"Dear old Mr. Sententious," said she, "did you think you could +take <i>me</i> in? I knew my <i>Midsummer Night's Dream</i> by +heart while you were still discovering 'THE-HOG-IS-IN-THE-PIT'!" +And she sang quite softly:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,</p> +<p>Where oxlips—"</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Though I was very angry at the way she had deceived me, I must +admit that her voice was not unpleasing.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>In a Good Cause.</h4> +<p>The National Baby Week Council, which for many years has done +admirable work in promoting the Welfare of Infancy and Motherhood, +is to hold its annual "Week" from July 1st to 7th. Among other +London celebrations a Conference will be held at Kingsway Hall, +under the Presidency of Dr. ADDISON, on the Tuesday, Wednesday and +Thursday. Applications for admission (one guinea, to include proofs +of papers to be read and a copy of the Report; or ten shillings, +without printed matter) should be addressed to Miss HALFORD, +Secretary, National Association for the Prevention of Infant +Mortality, 4 and 5 Tavistock Square, W.C.1.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page495" id="page495"></a>[pg +495]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/495.png"><img width="100%" src="images/495.png" alt= +"A REDRESS REHEARSAL." /></a> +<h3>A REDRESS REHEARSAL.</h3> +<p>OUR MR. MONTAGU <i>(practising on dummy).</i> "THE LATEST LINE +IN WESTERN HEAD-WEAR, SIR, AND, IF YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SAY SO, +VERY BECOMING TO YOU. THANK YOU, SIR, AND THE NEXT ARTICLE?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page496" id="page496"></a>[pg +496]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/496.png"><img width="100%" src="images/496.png" alt= +"Son of the House (after being introduced to professor of mathematics). 'NOW WHAT SHALL I TALK TO YOU ABOUT?'" /> +</a><i>Son of the House (after being introduced to professor of +mathematics).</i>"NOW WHAT SHALL I TALK TO YOU ABOUT?"</div> +<hr /> +<h2>A TANGLED TRIANGLE.</h2> +<p>The Pâtisserie Delarue et Salon de Consommations is +situated just on the edge of Europe. Being a place of extreme +military importance I dare not indicate its position with greater +exactitude, but may go so far as to say that it can be found by +stepping off the boat, crossing the bridge and then inquiring of +the Military Police. Its importance is due to the quality of its +<i>crème éclairs</i>, which attract the gilded Staff +in such large numbers that the interior is usually suffused like an +Eastern sunset with a rich glow of red tabs and gilt braid. Within +its walls junior subalterns, now, alas, a rapidly diminishing +species, dally with insidious ices until their immature moustaches +are pendulous with lemon-flavoured icicles and their hair is +whitened with sugared rime.</p> +<p>There it was that Frederick discovered Percival feebly and +mournfully pecking at a vanilla ice.</p> +<p>"Greeting, old Spartan," said he. "Training for the Murman +coast?"</p> +<p>"Would that I were!" replied Percival. "I'm refrigerating my +sorrows. I've tried to drown them, but they float; so I'm by way of +freezing them under."</p> +<p>"Poor Perce!" murmured Frederick. "I suppose it's Cox +again?"</p> +<p>"<i>Au contraire</i>, I'm <i>his</i> sorrow. My present trouble +is that I've got to find a wife."</p> +<p>"Nothin' easier, old thing. Your photo in the illustrated +papers, with appropriate letterpress—"</p> +<p>"You misunderstand me," interrupted Percival. "It's someone +else's wife I've got to find. <i>Écoutez</i>. Teddy Roker +has got permission for his wife to visit him out here. He's +expecting her by this afternoon's boat and has got a billet fixed +up all right, but he's been suddenly rushed away on a court-martial +case, so he's asked me to meet her, and I've never seen her +before."</p> +<p>"But didn't he give you the specifications—kind of +descriptive return?"</p> +<p>"That's just it!" groaned Percival. "He was only married last +leave, and his description goes like a Shakspearean sonnet. I +gather that I've got to look out for a combination of +<i>Titania</i>, GLADYS COOPER and HELEN OF TROY. I tried to nail +him down to externals, but he only went off into another +rhapsody.</p> +<p>"'What does she wear?' I asked.</p> +<p>"'Wear?' said he dreamily. 'Oh! beautifully draped garments +nebulous as summer clouds and filmy as gossamer webs. Nothing +really definite.'</p> +<p>"'That sounds probable enough, as the present fashions go,'" +said I.</p> +<p>"Seems to me," said Frederick, "that this is a case to refer to +higher authority. The sleuth-hound instinct of one Frederick is +indicated. Having absorbed the available data I will e'en amble +round myself to assist you."</p> +<p>"There speaks my stout-hearted haricot!" said Percival. "But be +careful. Teddy won't like it if he gets the wrong wife. He made a +point of that. So in case we miss each other your instructions are +briefly these: you will meet what you honestly think to be Mrs. +Roker outside the Customs House, explain Teddy's absence, take her +to his rooms at 10 <i>bis</i>, Rue Dufay, make her comfortable and +report to me here at 6.15."</p> +<p>Punctually at 6.15 they met again in the Pâtisserie +Delarue. Both were radiant.</p> +<p>"'Tis done!" said Percival proudly; "and without the assistance +of the puissant Frederick. At 5.0 o'clock I was outside the Customs +House and <span class="pagenum"><a name="page497" id= +"page497"></a>[pg 497]</span> saw her looking round with an anxious +eye. 'Mrs. Roker, I believe?' said I. She confessed right away, so +I rattled her off in a cab to 10 <i>bis</i>, Rue Dufay, and left +her there nibblin' biscuits and drinkin' tea as happy as a +flapper."</p> +<p>"Percival," replied Frederick slowly, "for sheer imbecility you +have surpassed yourself. I myself met Mrs. Roker outside the +Customs House at 5.30, being detained <i>en route</i>. I took her +to 10 <i>bis</i>, Rue Dufay, where at the present moment she is +partaking of coffee and chocolate caramels. Shortly, no doubt, she +will discover the spurious female that you have decoyed thither and +the First Act of a triangle drama will be rung up."</p> +<p>"By Jazz," exclaimed Percival, "I'd stake my gratuity on the +genuineness of my Mrs. Roker. She knows Teddy's favourite breakfast +food."</p> +<p>"No," said Frederick decidedly, "mine is the only authentic +article. All others are imitations. She knows dearest Edward's size +in gloves."</p> +<p>"Well, we can't both be right."</p> +<p>"Did Teddy say anything about expecting <i>two</i> wives?" asked +Frederick hopefully.</p> +<p>"Idiot!" said Percival. "As I see the situation, one of +us—presumably you—will presently be the central figure +in a court-martial or police court on a charge of abducting an +innocent female. The remaining reels in the film will be devoted to +Teddy chasing you with a 5·9 howitzer for jeopardizing his +connubial happiness. But these unhappy concluding incidents may be +averted if you return the wrongful lady to her rightful owner +before Teddy gets back. So we'll take the necessary action +immediately."</p> +<p>"But which one are we going to discard if they both claim to be +the genuine Mrs. R.? Hadn't we better wait for Teddy? He'd be +almost sure to be able to decide."</p> +<p>"You make me tired. It's got to be settled before he comes +back."</p> +<p>It was a brace of dejected subalterns that wended their way to +10 <i>bis</i>, Rue Dufay. Percival knocked at the door of the +drawing-room and in response to an invitation they entered. A +pretty and extremely composed young lady greeted them.</p> +<p>"<i>My</i> wife!" said Percival and Frederick +simultaneously.</p> +<p>"Excuse me," said the lady with dignity; "the only husband I +possess at present is Mr. Roker."</p> +<p>"What I mean to say is," explained Percival lamely, "that you +are the wife of Mr. Roker that I met at the Customs—I mean, +Mr. Roker's wife that—"</p> +<p>"Me too!" broke in Frederick.</p> +<p>"Well, that's easily explained," said the lady, addressing +Percival. "After you had kindly escorted me here I suddenly +remembered that I had left my keys at the Customs House. Feeling +confident of finding my way about I returned for them. On emerging +I was claimed by your fascinating friend who is at this moment +engaged in winding up his monocle [Frederick guiltily stowed it +away in his fob pocket]. He seemed so delighted at having +discovered me that I hadn't the heart to explain that I'd been +found before. Of course I'm excessively grateful to both of +you—Oh, here's dear old Teddy at last!"</p> +<p>During the scene of rapturous greeting that followed Frederick +showed that he indeed had his moments of inspiration.</p> +<p>"What about a vanilla ice at the Pâtisserie Delarue, old +bean?" said he to Percival.</p> +<p>And, unnoticed by the happy couple, they stole silently +away.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"><a href= +"images/497.png"><img width="100%" src="images/497.png" alt= +"ER—LET ME SEE. DO I KNOW LADY HOGGINS?" /></a> +<p><i>Lady who has been handed the card of wife of new +baronet-profiteer).</i> "ER—LET ME SEE. DO I KNOW LADY +HOGGINS?"</p> +<p><i>Butler</i>. "YOUR LADYSHIP HAS NOT RECEIVED HER SINCE THE +CREATION."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Surplus Government Property for sale:—Brass +Islets."—<i>Disposal Board "Surplus" Magazine</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>But why is the geographical position of this alluring +archipelago not given? Is it for enemy reasons?</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page498" id="page498"></a>[pg +498]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/498.png"><img width="100%" src="images/498.png" alt= +"FORCE OF HABIT—THE SCRUM HALF.</div> " /></a> +<h3>FORCE OF HABIT—THE SCRUM HALF.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE NEED OF OUR TIMES.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">["The modern world is badly in need of a Pindar. +Alone of the poets, Pindar could do justice to the exploits of the +day."—<i>The Times.</i>]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"We're badly in need of a Pindar"</p> +<p class="i2">To fan in these tropical days</p> +<p>Our stock of emotional tinder</p> +<p class="i2">With gusts of tempestuous praise;</p> +<p>To foster the flame, not to check it</p> +<p class="i2">Or let it die suddenly down,</p> +<p>In honour of HAWKER and BECKETT,</p> +<p class="i2">Of ALCOCK and BROWN.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>We do not require a CATULLUS</p> +<p class="i2">(We've MASEFIELD and WAUGH and SASSOON)</p> +<p>Nor pastoral pipers to lull us</p> +<p class="i2">To rest with a sedative tune;</p> +<p>But the worship of beer and of Bacchus</p> +<p class="i2">In verses familiar and free</p> +<p>Might win for a latter-day FLACCUS</p> +<p class="i2">A Knighthood (B.E.).</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Bland VIRGIL'S beyond resurrection;</p> +<p class="i2">The voice of the moment is harsh;</p> +<p>The nightingale's golden perfection</p> +<p class="i2">Offends the young ravens of MARSH;</p> +<p>ARISTOPHANES, grossly facetious,</p> +<p class="i2">Is but a "compulsory" god,</p> +<p>And HOMER as well as LUCRETIUS</p> +<p class="i2">Too frequently nod.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There's scope for the truculent passion</p> +<p class="i2">Of JUVENAL'S masculine muse</p> +<p>To flagellate folly and fashion</p> +<p class="i2">In dress and in manners and views;</p> +<p>But we've plenty of prophets and poets;</p> +<p class="i2">We've few who are sober and sane;</p> +<p>We don't want another DE BLOWITZ;</p> +<p class="i2">We want a DELANE.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"BETTER BEER ON THE HORIZON."</p> +<p><i>Daily Express</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>A beer in the hand is worth ten on the horizon.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A TUBE NIGHTMARE.</h3> +<p>Have you ever dreamed a dream of a terrible tube journey, in +which every one of the appalling things which might happen does +actually occur? I dreamed one last night.</p> +<p>The journey began with a disaster. On reaching the +booking-office window I could not find any money, and it was only +when the waiting crowd behind me, which had mounted to hundreds, +was becoming offensively hostile that I succeeded in producing a +five-pound note.</p> +<p>The booking-clerk took her own time to count out the change, and +on leaving the window I found four policemen struggling to keep +back an infuriated mob of people, all shrieking imprecations and +asking for my blood.</p> +<p>There was but one thing for it—to get to a train before +this angry horde could secure its tickets; so I made a <span class= +"pagenum"><a name="page499" id="page499"></a>[pg 499]</span> wild +dash for the moving-staircase, shedding Bradburys <i>en route</i> +like a paper-chase.</p> +<p>As I rushed past the ticket-puncher she made a vicious lunge at +my out-stretched hand with an enormous pair of pincers, missing the +ticket and partially amputating my thumb.</p> +<p>As I have always expected to do, but have never yet done, I +missed my footing at the top of the escalator, and my desire to +outstrip my enemies was realised beyond my wildest hopes as I +crashed, by a series of petrifying somersaults, down the entire +flight, to be belched forth like a sausage from a machine at the +bottom.</p> +<p>Tattered, torn and in unspeakable agony I picked myself up and +found my steering-gear so damaged that I could only move sideways, +crab-fashion, and in this manner I crawled on to the platform just +as a train was beginning its exit.</p> +<p>I make a leap for it. The gates crash to! Am I inside them or +out? Neither. I am pinned there with the first half of my body +struggling inside the car while the second half protrudes over the +fast-receding platform.</p> +<p>I remember how in my agony it flashed across my mind that I +would never again slay a wasp with my fork.</p> +<p>I must have been pulled into the car just in time to stop the +tunnel (which is a dreadfully close fit) from bisecting me, for the +next thing I remember was being dropped into a corner seat and +severely admonished by the guard for getting into the train whilst +it was in motion.</p> +<p>I was now a quivering and shapeless mass; nobody pitied me, +nobody helped me, so loathsome a spectacle did I present.</p> +<p>Of course the train passed my station, and at the next I was +thrown out like a mail-bag, to be trodden on by massed formations +of travellers fighting to enter and leave the car by the same door +at the same time.</p> +<p>When the multitudes had dispersed and I was alone, by superhuman +efforts I contrived to wriggle on my stomach to the foot of the +ascending stairway, but not having sufficient strength to wriggle +off on arrival at the top, my long-dreaded horror of being sucked +under the barrier, where moving stairways disappear, was +realised.</p> +<p>By now immune to pain, I regarded the next process (akin to +being passed through a mangle) as child's play. To my amazement, +after a few minutes amongst giant cog-wheels, I again found the +light on the down-going staircase, which precipitated me to the +spot from which I had started.</p> +<p>Having thrice performed this revolution, by which time I was as +flat as a pancake, I was eventually scraped off by a porter and +upbraided for joy-riding.</p> +<p>Finding that those rebukes left me unmoved, for I was +practically lifeless, certainly boneless, and, to their horror, +ticketless, they folded me up and put me in a drawer pending the +arrival of the police.</p> +<p>I was still there when the dream mercifully stopped.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/499.png"><img width="100%" src="images/499.png" alt= +"WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU DRIVE ON THE PROPER SIDE OF THE ROAD?" /></a> +<p><i>Motor Cyclist</i>. "WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU DRIVE ON THE +PROPER SIDE OF THE ROAD?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>BIRD-LORE.</h3> +<p class="center">II.—PEACOCKS.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Peacocks sweep the fairies' rooms;</p> +<p>They use their folded tails for brooms;</p> +<p>But fairy dust is brighter far</p> +<p>Than any mortal colours are;</p> +<p>And all about their tails it clings</p> +<p>In strange designs of rounds and rings;</p> +<p>And that is why they strut about</p> +<p>And proudly spread their feathers out.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>R.F.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Wanted.—Good stage electrician. No good stage +electrician."—<i>The Stage</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>There ought to be no difficulty in finding the latter.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page500" id="page500"></a>[pg +500]</span> +<h2>CROSS COUNTRY.</h2> +<p>A Commander in the Senior Service is the man who gets things +done; and long experience has formulated for him a golden rule: "If +you want to get things done you must <i>see</i> them done." This +laudable maxim applies in a lesser degree to all his subordinates, +right down to the newly-joined boy, who can't very well help seeing +<i>some</i> things done, unless he makes a habit of working with +his eyes shut—a practice which does not appeal particularly +to P.O.'s.</p> +<p>The Commander of His Majesty's Battleship <i>Ermyntrude</i> is +far from being an exception to the rule; he is a martyr to it. So +are his officers. In their enthusiasm they have let the rule run +riot. You will soon see that for yourself.</p> +<p>The idea germinated in the practical head of the gunner. It +pushed its way into the upper air under the plain cap of the A.P. +It budded under the (slighted tilted) head-dress of Number One, and +blossomed forth into a full-blown project under the gilded +oak-leaves that thatch the Bloke.</p> +<p>He said, "The ship's company will run across country."</p> +<p>The ship's company girded up its loins and awaited further +orders.</p> +<p>The course was decided upon. It ran from the signalling station +on the south of the island straight to the town on the north. There +was no possibility of making a mistake, because you could see the +semaphore from anywhere, and you would know when you got to the +town because the road stopped there. The various divisions of the +ship were to compete against each other. If you came in first you +were to be given a ticket numbered "one"; if second, a ticket +numbered "two," and so on; and the division which had the smallest +total of pips at the end would be the winner.</p> +<p>At 8.15 the ship's pinnace landed the gunner on the town jetty +at the north end of the island. He had come to deal with the +competitors when they arrived at the winning-post. He had brought +with him the bo'sun and the carpenter, his own mate, the bo'sun's +mate and the carpenter's mate, four P.O.'s, the sergeant of +Marines, a few leading stokers and half-a-dozen hands; fifty +fathoms of hawser-laid four-inch white rope; six stout stakes +(ash); bags, canvas, twelve (one to collect the tickets earned by +each division); and one thousand eight hundred tickets, numbered +from one to one thousand eight hundred. (There were only six +hundred and fifty runners, but it is well to be on the safe +side.)</p> +<p>He dug his stakes into the ground in a V-shaped formation just +beyond the place where the road ended and almost opposite the first +cottage. Further north he posted his canvas bags, which he fixed at +a convenient height above the ground by depending them from the +necks of his subordinates. He then rigged his rope around the +stakes in such a way that the runners, entering the wide end of the +V, would be shepherded one by one through a narrow aperture at the +bottom, thus avoiding all suspicion of overcrowding in giving out +the tickets. He explained his plan of campaign to his party and +took up his post at the foot of the V.</p> +<p>Scarcely had he done so when the A.P. appeared upon the scene. +He had brought with him a few friends—a couple of subs, two +or three senior snotties and the Captain's secretary, a brace of +stewards with the luncheon baskets, and the cutter's crew, who +carried between them two large trellis-work screens which the +carpenter had knocked up for him.</p> +<p>He passed the time of day with the gunner, marched fifty yards +further down towards the starting-point and had his screens +deposited in the middle of the road, in such a way that several +could enter one end of the enclosure they formed, but only one at a +time could go out at the other; this, he explained, would enable +the men to pass the winning-post in single file. He then lit a +cigarette and took his stand at the narrow end, producing from his +pocket seven hundred and fifty neat red tickets (numbered from one +to seven hundred and fifty) which the chief writer had made out for +him the night before.</p> +<p>At 8.45 Number One arrived. To help him he had brought a couple +of watch-keepers, a surgeon, three engineers, a naval instructor +and the captain of Marines. He only paused to borrow one side of +the gunner's V and all but forty of the A.P.'s tickets, and passed +on down the road. When he had reached a suitable point about a +hundred yards south of the A.P. he had the purloined rope stretched +slantwise, in such a way that the only means of passing it was a +little passage a yard wide between the rope and the ditch on the +right of the road. A little nearer still to the starting-point he +had a large placard erected with the words "Keep to the Right" +painted on it.</p> +<p>Punctually at 9.0 the Commander arrived with a piece of string +and the P.M.O. They took up their stand one on each side of the +road opposite the placard. The Bloke produced a small gold pencil, +but, as he had forgotten to bring any paper, he commandeered the +placard and began feverishly to write down all the numbers he could +think of from one to six hundred and fifty.</p> +<p>You are no doubt anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Owner at +9.15. Well, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. Still, although he +did not come in person, yet he made his presence felt, as every +good skipper should. At 9.15, as the ship's company were lining up +for the start by the semaphore, he made the signal from the +ship:—</p> +<p>"Sailing at 13.30. Return immediately."</p> +<hr /> +<h2>SONGS OF SIMLA.</h2> +<p class="center">V.—PELITI'S.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I troll you no song that will hinder you long,</p> +<p class="i2">I pen you no ponderous treatise,</p> +<p>The theme that I sing is a gossamer thing</p> +<p class="i2">As light as the cakes at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Grey roofs mid the pines and a heaven that shines</p> +<p class="i2">As blue as the water where Crete is,</p> +<p>The malachite green of a misty ravine,</p> +<p class="i2">That's the balcony view at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There are mortals, may be, who abominate tea</p> +<p class="i2">(One's poison another man's meat is),</p> +<p>Who shy at the touch of a crumpet—for such</p> +<p class="i2">There is music and love at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>See that G.S.O.2 with the lady in blue;</p> +<p class="i2">Has she noticed where one of his feet is,</p> +<p>Or the issue that hangs on the plate of meringues</p> +<p class="i2">Which he buys her each day at PELITI'S?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Here the rulers of Ind, from the Salween to Sind,</p> +<p class="i2">Take their ices and wafers (MCVITIE'S)</p> +<p>And elaborate schemes over chocolate creams</p> +<p class="i2">At five-o'clock tea at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And I think, when we die and the wraiths of us fly</p> +<p class="i2">To that peace which depends not on treaties,</p> +<p>The joys which we find will but serve to remind</p> +<p class="i2">Of the hours that we spent at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>J.M.S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Thomas —— was fined £5 £at +£Oswestry yesterday for selling goods to a German +prisoner.</p> +<p>The chairman said defendant had sold goods to the value of +11<i>s</i>, 1-1/2<i>d</i>. Where the German had got that large sum +of money from was quite a mystery."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It seems pretty evident from the report that there was a good +deal of money about somewhere.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page501" id="page501"></a>[pg +501]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/501.png"><img width="100%" src="images/501.png" alt= +"I'M TOLD SHE'S ALWAYS WRITING TO HER DRESSMAKER ABOUT NEW FROCKS." /> +</a> +<p>"I'M TOLD SHE'S ALWAYS WRITING TO HER DRESSMAKER ABOUT NEW +FROCKS."</p> +<p>"I SUPPOSE SHE ENCLOSED A STAMPED AND ADDRESSED ENVELOPE FOR +THAT ONE."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A CRUSADER.</h3> +<p>One hears sometimes of pure altruists, but on analysing their +purity an alloy is perceptible. Although their work is for others, +an element of personal gratification is present.</p> +<p>Personal gratification or self-indulgence is of course +inevitable; as it can even enter into grief and pain; but now and +then it is reduced to a minimum: as, I hold, in the latest +activities for her fellow-creatures in which my friend Mrs. Delta +has embarked.</p> +<p>During the War Mrs. Delta was indefatigable (I am not often sure +of my words, but I use this without a tremor of misgiving) in +promoting charities and collecting money to sustain them. At no +time of day was it safe to meet her, for you had to stand and +deliver. There were no privations due to the War which she was not +out to mollify or remove, and her ingenuity in discovering worthy +objects was uncanny.</p> +<p>As, however, War was raging and most people are, underneath, +kinder than not, she escaped very severe criticism and amassed some +good round sums. And, since all her various Funds had committees +and meetings and minutes, Mrs. Delta, although that may have been +only the least among her motives, was the recipient of certain +expressions of gratitude. Organised charity cannot elude votes of +thanks.</p> +<p>But that Mrs. Delta likes work for work's sake, apart altogether +from honeyed praises, is now beyond question, for the campaign she +has just inaugurated is unlikely to yield them.</p> +<p>"You must," she said to me yesterday, "give me something for my +new scheme."</p> +<p>"I hope I shall have enough strength of mind not to; but what is +it?"</p> +<p>"You have noticed in what a dreadful state so many of the shop +windows in London now are?" she asked.</p> +<p>"The iniquitous prices of the goods?"</p> +<p>"Oh, no; I didn't mean that. I mean the dropped letters. Where +they have glass letters stuck on, you know, and some have gone. +Surely you must have noticed?"</p> +<p>"Yes, of course," I replied; "but I thought the shop-keepers +were too lazy or careless to bother. The War has increased +carelessness, you know."</p> +<p>"No, it isn't that," she said. "The poor fellows are so +understaffed and overworked that they can't find time. My idea is +to raise a fund so that it can be done for them. My heart aches. +Only this morning I saw a barber's with ASH AND + RUSH UP on it; and a confectioner's"—she referred +to her notebook—"with ICE REAMS, and an +undertaker's with PINKING ONE ERE."</p> +<p>"What is pinking?" I asked. "I always wanted to know."</p> +<p>"And," she continued, again consulting her book, "a +tobacconist's with BEST OLDEN +VIRGIN , and a dentist's with +PA LESS EXTRACTION. Something really must be +done. Don't you agree?"</p> +<p>I murmured that there were other abuses that were possibly more +in need of immediate redress, but Mrs. Delta again turned to her +book.</p> +<p>"And a dairyman with FAMILIES + UP LIE , +and a stationer's with LUE LACK INK. Isn't +it distressing?—and so bad for growing children to see so +much slovenliness. And what can foreigners think of us? The +Americans, for instance, who are always so spick and span, +and—"</p> +<p>The means of rescue came to me in the shape, of a vast monster +on wheels, bright with yellow and scarlet, thundering over the +road. "That's my bus," I said, and ran.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page502" id="page502"></a>[pg +502]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/502.png"><img width="100%" src="images/502.png" alt= +"Father (to troublesome small boy). 'NOW LOOK HERE, TONY. I SHAN'T WARN YOU AGAIN. THE VERY NEXT TIME YOU MISBEHAVE YOU GO STRAIGHT UPSTAIRS TO BED." /> +</a> +<p><i>Father (to troublesome small boy</i>). "NOW LOOK HERE, TONY. +I SHAN'T WARN YOU AGAIN. THE VERY <i>NEXT</i> TIME YOU MISBEHAVE +YOU GO <i>STRAIGHT</i> UPSTAIRS TO BED."</p> +<p><i>Small Sister</i>. "AND THAT'S <i>THAT</i>. ISN'T IT, +DADDY?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THOSE DRESSES.</h2> +<p><i>(Being a Midsummer Night's Dream, or thereabouts.)</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>More gay than day and plumier</p> +<p class="i2">Than Birds of Paradise,</p> +<p>It was no Court Costumier</p> +<p class="i2">That made them look so nice;</p> +<p>No milliners nor drapers</p> +<p class="i2">On mortal business terms</p> +<p>Of those sweet modes were shapers,</p> +<p>Though several evening papers</p> +<p class="i2">Mention the actual firms.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But fairies wove that raiment</p> +<p class="i2">Of starshine and of flowers;</p> +<p>They asked no better payment,</p> +<p class="i2">They craved no shorter hours;</p> +<p>With eglantine and lilies</p> +<p class="i2">They worked a June night long,</p> +<p>And that is just where "Phyllis"</p> +<p>In "Ascot frocks and frillies"</p> +<p class="i2">Goes absolutely wrong.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>'Neath beech-tree and 'neath cedar,</p> +<p class="i2">In rings of moonlit green....</p> +<p>What bilge, you say, good reader?</p> +<p class="i2">My very dear old bean,</p> +<p>Think of the state of Prices,</p> +<p class="i2">Think of the slump in Trade,</p> +<p>Turn to the Paris Crisis,</p> +<p>Ponder the cost of ices</p> +<p class="i2">And buns and gingerade.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>New War-loans shriek for money;</p> +<p class="i2">All work is at an end;</p> +<p>It seems extremely funny</p> +<p class="i2">There's any cash to spend;</p> +<p>Yet still the tide of laces,</p> +<p class="i2">The foam of fluff and silk</p> +<p>Comes round in cardboard cases</p> +<p>To lots of people's places</p> +<p class="i2">As punctual as the milk.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>While, sworn to get revenge in,</p> +<p class="i2">And waiting at the door,</p> +<p>That grim three-handed engine</p> +<p class="i2">Prepares to strike once more,</p> +<p>Who built these gowns we mutely</p> +<p class="i2">Admire on lawn and lea?</p> +<p>Who bought them (think acutely),</p> +<p>With England absolutely</p> +<p class="i2">As broke as she can be?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Therefore I say the fabric</p> +<p class="i2">Was wrought of faery woof,</p> +<p>Not made in walls of drab brick</p> +<p class="i2">Nor won with mortal oof;</p> +<p>Delicate, dream-like, pretty</p> +<p class="i2">As sunshine after rain,</p> +<p>Worn by Miss Hodgson ("Kitty")—</p> +<p>It seems a dreadful pity</p> +<p class="i2">She spilled the iced champagne.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Therefore I say that, toiling</p> +<p class="i2">With wild white roses' bloom—</p> +<p>No printers' vats a-boiling</p> +<p class="i2">Nor labour of the loom—</p> +<p>With fern and foxglove chalice</p> +<p class="i2">On tiny feet or wings</p> +<p>Titania's elves made sallies,</p> +<p>And that's how Lady Alice</p> +<p class="i2">Had on those lovely things.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>EVOE.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>A Happy Thought.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"When the blessing had been pronounced and the bridal pair were +kneeling at the altar Dame Nellie Melba, wearing a blue dress and +hat, crept from the side chapel to the choir and to the joy of the +audience sang the pathetic 'Ave Maria' that Desdemona sings in the +last act of Verdi's <i>Othello</i> when she feels her predestined +doom approaching."—"<i>Evening Standard" on a Society +wedding</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Mr. Bottomley objects to By Jingo."</p> +<p><i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Yet in one or another of his "powerful" articles we seem to have +seen something like "Damn the Kaiser" and "To Hell with +Hindenburg."</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page503" id="page503"></a>[pg +503]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/503.png"><img width="100%" src="images/503.png" alt= +"THE PHILANDERER." /></a> +<h3>THE PHILANDERER.</h3> +<p>SINN FEIN. "BE MINE."</p> +<p>PRESIDENT WILSON. "I DO HOPE I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU TOO MUCH +ENCOURAGEMENT—BUT I CAN NEVER BE MORE THAN A BROTHER TO +YOU."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<!--page 504 Blank Page--> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page505" id="page505"></a>[pg +505]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/505.png"><img width="100%" src="images/505.png" alt= +"'OO's YER SWELL PAL, DIGGER?" /></a> +<p><i>First Australian</i>. "'OO's YER SWELL PAL, DIGGER?"</p> +<p><i>Second Ditto</i>. "I DUNNO HIS NAME, BUT I REMEMBER HIS FACE. +I GIVE HIM A BIT OF BACON JUST OUTSIDE ST. QUENTIN."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>WHY DRAG IN MRS. SIDDONS?</h3> +<blockquote> +<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Nothing annoys me more than the assumption +that wit, learning, fancy, etc., were the monopoly of the past. For +example, a correspondent of one of our leading dailies has been +trotting out Mrs. SIDDONS' use of blank verse in familiar +conversation, and quoting from LOCKHART:—</p> +<p>"John Kemble's most familiar table-talk often flowed into blank +verse; and so indeed did his sister's [Mrs. Siddons']. Scott (who +was a capital mimic) often repeated her tragic exclamation to a +foot-boy during a dinner at Ashestiel—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>'You 've brought me water, boy,—I asked for beer!'</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Another time, dining with a Provost of Edinburgh, she +ejaculated, in answer to her host's apology for his <i>pièce +de résistance</i>—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>'Beef cannot be too salt for me, my lord.'"</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This is all very well, but just as good blank verse is commonly +used by eminent men and women to-day; indeed some of them excel in +impromptu rhymes. Thus in Mr. HAROLD WESTMORELAND'S interesting +volume, <i>Eavesdroppings</i>, there is this charming story of the +first meeting of Madame CLARA BUTT and Miss CARRIE TUBB. They were +introduced at a garden-party at Fulham, and Mr. WESTMORELAND +overheard the memorable quatrain in which Madame CLARA BUTT greeted +her sister-artist:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"In our names we 're alike</p> +<p class="i2">But in minstrelsy—ah no!</p> +<p>For I'm a contralto</p> +<p class="i2">And you're a soprano."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>To the same veracious chronicler I am indebted for a specimen of +the impromptus which Lord READING frequently throws off, to the +delight of his friends. Mr. WESTMORELAND was having a pair of boots +tried on at a famous Jermyn Street bootmaker's when Lord BEADING +was undergoing a similar ordeal, and electrified the courteous +assistant by observing:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"The right-foot boot to me seems rather tight;</p> +<p>The left, <i>per contra</i>, feels exactly right."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>But perhaps the finest exponent of the art is a famous General, +whose <i>obiter dicta</i> in verse are innumerable. I have only +space to quote one, spoken to a soldier with whom he had shaken +hands:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"You are the proudest man in France,</p> +<p class="i2">Or at any rate in Flanders,</p> +<p>For you've shaken hands, in a great advance,</p> +<p class="i2">With the greatest of Corps Commanders."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Surely in the light of these examples, which might be +indefinitely multiplied, there is no need for the present to fear +comparison with the past in the sphere of conversational verse?</p> +<p>I am, dear Mr. Punch,</p> +<p>Yours faithfully,</p> +<p>NOSTRI TEMPORIS LAUDATOR.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h4>Culture in the Sty.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Yorkshire Pork Pies, possessing character and individuality, 5 +lb. Price, 15<i>s</i>.—<i>Daily Express</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"COLUMBUS OF THE AIR.</p> +<p>Captain Alcock's Story of his Great Atlantic +Flight."—<i>Dublin Evening Telegraph</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Would not Vimy-bus be better?</p> +<hr /> +<p>Slough Verdict: <i>Dulce est de-Cippenham in loco</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page506" id="page506"></a>[pg +506]</span> +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> +<p class="center">"THE CINDERELLA MAN."</p> +<p>The importation of theatrical sweet-stuff from America is of +course a growing industry. The latest consignment, <i>The +Cinderella Man</i>, first arrived in this country in the form of a +novel, and the difficulty it offered was that the struggling hero, +<i>Anthony Quintard</i>, whose fate depended, in the absence of +common-sense, on his winning a ten thousand dollar prize for an +opera libretto, seemed to me, from samples of his work exhibited, +to be an unlikely competitor. But I must say that when at the play +I saw our Mr. NARES in his garret sucking at his pipe in that +masterful manner and modifying what might so easily have been a too +sticky situation with a charmingly light touch, I began to think +better of <i>Anthony's</i> chances and therefore necessarily of Mr. +EDWARD CHILDS CARPENTER'S general idea. For the author obviously +may claim the credit of this reading, even if I harbour an +obstinate private suspicion that it was only by a very deliberate +and steadfast determination on the part of Mr. NARES as hero and +Mr. HOLMAN CLARK as matchmaker that this particular reading +prevailed.</p> +<p>Mr. CARPENTER doesn't believe in mystifications. He explains +everything with the completest candour in his first Act, from which +you gather that a millionaire's daughter, returning from Paris to +the immense stuffy New York mansion, is desperately lonely, and has +also cut herself free from an unsatisfactory affair of the heart; +that a young poet, a friend of the millionaire's sentimental +lawyer, is also lonely, living like <i>Cinderella</i> (isn't this +wrong?) in an attic next-door, proud as poor; that another friend +of the millionaire has offered a prize for a libretto. Having thus +put the rabbit, the bird-cage and the flowerpot into the hat in +front of you he proceeds in a leisurely manner to take them out +again.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/506.png"><img width="100%" src="images/506.png" alt= +"A Fairy Godmother (Miss RENÉE KELLY) reduced to tears by the unsusceptibility of her Godchild (MR. OWEN NARES)." /> +</a> +<p>A Fairy Godmother (Miss RENÉE KELLY) reduced to tears by +the unsusceptibility of her Godchild (MR. OWEN NARES).</p> +</div> +<p>The young millionairess, posing as a poor "companion," visits +the starveling poet <i>viâ</i> the snow-covered roof and the +attic window, bringing food, stoves, coverlets, wool to mend his +socks and ideas to mend his opera. Naturally here were +opportunities of unlimited business, during which <i>Marjorie</i> +(Miss RENÉE KELLY) looked perfectly sweet, as I heard more +than one ardent young lady declare to approving lieutenants.</p> +<p>Miss KELLY has indeed all the air of a heroine of honeyed +romance. In particular she played one episode, the trying over of a +new song, in a winningly natural manner. I found the way in which +she flapped her eyelids a subject of puzzled study. I have not +observed that maidens in real life indulge in these calisthenics. +This is perhaps as well; they are evidently very deadly. Within a +fortnight of their being brought into action poet <i>Quintard</i> +is in the <i>Kamerad</i> stage. Not <i>Anne Whitfield</i> herself +exhibits more explicitly the urgency of the life force, the will to +wed.</p> +<p>Mr. OWEN NARES, who has a following more than sufficient to +justify his recent assumption of management, gave a very attractive +and indeed, within the limits imposed by the piece, a distinguished +performance as the proud and hungry poet. An extreme naturalness of +pose and intonation, without over-stresses or affectations, +characterised this agreeable study. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, that finished +actor in the bland manner, very adroitly, as I have hinted, settled +the mood of the piece and made the good appear the better line and +the ordinary line good. Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE had a Valentine part +ready made. It would take more than an indisposition, which he +pluckily ignored, to put him off his stroke. Mr. TOM REYNOLDS was +effective as a maudlin serving-man who had once butled a real +gentleman and could never forget it. Miss ANNIE ESMOND gave a +depressingly clever rendering of a quite unbelievably appalling +landlady.</p> +<p>Altogether a pleasant wholesome evening's entertainment. Young +men and maidens of our day needn't hesitate to take their +parents.</p> +<p class="center">"ST. GEORGE AND THE DRAGONS."</p> +<p>There is much more of the substance of wit and truth in Mr. EDEN +PHILLPOTTS' "Devon comedy" at the Kingsway. The <i>St. George</i> +of the title is not the Cappadocian, but that somewhat irreverent +Father in God, <i>St. George Loftus</i>, Bishop of Exeter; the +dragons are two quite unsuitable suitors for the hands of +<i>Monica</i> and <i>Eva</i> (daughters of his dull old friend, +<i>Lord Sampford</i>), who don't believe in class distinctions. +<i>Monica's</i> young man is the son of a yeoman farmer, +personable, certainly, on horseback and of a blood older than the +<i>Sampfords'</i>, but an essential resilient, and altogether +impossible when playing the concertina or after mixing his drinks +(or both). <i>Eva's</i> follower is a brilliant raw young man from +Glasgow, recently ordained, with professional ambitions as +pronounced as his accent.</p> +<p>The parents try the now exploded method of direct opposition. +<i>St. George's</i> weapons are smooth words and a heart chokefull +of guile. Does his god-daughter <i>Monica</i> want to elope with +her yeoman? By all means let love have his sacred way. But his +lordship will contrive in the <i>rôle</i> of a strayed and +bogged fisherman to be at Stonelands Farm before the young couple +arrive <i>en route</i> for London and the registry-office, and he +will see to it that <i>Monica</i> learns what the daily life of a +working farmer is like, and what the beer (or bad champagne for +festal occasions) and rabbit pie in the kitchen; with sudden frank +explanations as to the imminence of the crisis in the interesting +condition of <i>Snowdrop</i> the Alderney; what, too, is the +Stonelands' notion of music and the dance, with Teddy's braying +concertina and cousin Unity's quavering treble and the ragged bass +and candid speech of old <i>Caunter</i>, the head man.... So much +for <i>Monica</i>.</p> +<p>And <i>Eva</i> thinks she wants to tie herself to this crude +Glaswegian. Well, here it will be best to insinuate to the young +man how unfortunate it is that the vacant chaplaincy to the Bishop +of Exeter is designed for a celibate, and to the young woman that +to marry so brilliant (and ingenuous) a youth is to hang a +millstone round his neck. For, after all, muses the prelate, +revealing dreadful depths of low cunning and perfidy, it's easier +to change a chaplain than a husband.</p> +<p>A thoroughly amusing affair. Of <span class="pagenum"><a name= +"page507" id="page507"></a>[pg 507]</span> course Mr. PHILLPOTTS +shirks his problem, <i>Teddy Copplestone</i> need not have been a +bounder (the odds indeed were against it), nor need his cigars, his +champagne or his music have been so bad. But then we should have +missed a diverting piece of fun and have been saddled with a solemn +problem-play unsuited to the (alleged) gaiety of the hour.</p> +<p>The general level of the playing was high, and, after a somewhat +nervous opening (and perhaps just a few affectations of the +fourth-wall school), the piece swung into a pleasant rhythm.</p> +<p>Mr. ERNEST THESIGER interprets with consummate ability Mr. +PHILLPOTTS' amusing and original creation, this puss-in-gaiters +Machiavelli, <i>St. George Exon</i>. Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY +(<i>Monica</i>), in the familiar <i>rôle</i> of beauty in +revolt, had an easy task, which she fulfilled very agreeably. Miss +ALBANESI (<i>Eva</i>) put brains and fire and (not at all a +negligible gift of the gods) precise enunciation into her work. Mr. +FEWLASS LLEWELLYN and Miss MARY BROUGH were quite delightful as old +<i>Copplestone</i> and his wife. Mr. CLAUDE KING as <i>Teddy +Copplestone</i> had perhaps the most difficult task, a part that by +no means played itself, but needed a sustained skill, duly +forthcoming. But I think the performance that pleased me most was +that of Miss EVELYN WALSH HALL, a name new to me, in the small part +of <i>Unity Copplestone</i>, played with a directness and sincerity +which was quite distinguished.</p> +<p>Let me add that the flapping of eyelids (to which I have +referred in my remarks on <i>The Cinderella Man</i>) is here also a +feature. One member of the cast (of my own sex, too) gave a display +of virtuosity in this <i>genre</i> which was technically +superb.</p> +<p>Two insignificant details of management caused me some +amusement. The solemn clang of a gong presaging doom as dire as +OEDIPUS'S (and incidentally inaudible to cigarette smokers in the +foyer) gives notice of the resumption of the play, while at the end +of the Acts the curtain flutters up and down at a feverish pace as +if the idea was to get in as many "calls" as possible before the +applause stops. Are we as guileless as all that, I wonder? And, +anyway, no such manoeuvre was necessary. The applause was hearty, +the laughter spontaneous, and anybody who cares for plays made and +played with brains should go and see this engaging piece.</p> +<p>T.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/507.png"><img width="100%" src="images/507.png" alt= +"WHERE ARE WE ALL OFF TO?" /></a> <i>Taxi-driver.</i> "WHERE ARE WE +ALL OFF TO?"</div> +<hr /> +<h4>The Spread of Democracy.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"The Earl of Loudoun, whose English seat it is, possesses eight +jeerages."—<i>Field</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"'Honour among thieves' is an old saying, but the pickpocket who +stole Lieut.-Commander Grieve's watch during his reception was an +exception to the rule."—<i>Illustrated Leicester +Chronicle</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<p>A correspondent asks us if there is any truth in the statement +that Peace will be signed in time for the Peace Celebrations. At +the moment of going to press it is still doubtful.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"NOTE.—The Swan used in this Production is supplied by the +well-known firm of Messrs. Swan and Edgar, Piccadilly Circus, +London."—<i>Programme of Shakespeare Theatre, +Liverpool</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We understand that the business is in the charge of Mr. EDGAR +during his partner's absence.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page508" id="page508"></a>[pg +508]</span> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p><i>Jinny the Carrier</i> (HEINEMANN) was, as Mr. ZANGWILL lets +us know in a felicitous epistle-dedicatory to an evidently charming +lady, designed as a "bland" and leisurely book, free from any trace +of war's horrors or modern perplexities, the sort you could read +comfortably with a sore throat on you. I think if I had not been in +such rude health I might have managed the five hundred and eighty +odd close-set pages without getting just a little tired of his +worthy Essex peasants of the time of the great Hyde Park +Exhibition. <i>Jinny</i> herself is a perfect darling, of real wit +and character, and her business as the local carrier gives a +plausible machinery for the introduction of an enormous number, a +truly Dickensian profusion, of subsidiary characters. <i>Jinny</i> +indeed is above criticism, but the trouble with many, indeed with +most, of the others, seemed to me to be their exaggerated +sprightliness of speech, just a little too clever to be credible +and not quite amusing enough to be palatable in large doses. To me +the real pleasure of the book comes from the author's craftsmanlike +use of words and the humour and imagination of his descriptions and +asides. But if I may be humbly candid beyond the custom of my trade +I must confess to an uncomfortable impression that sounder +qualities in the reviewer would have discovered greater qualities +in the work.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I rather suspect Mrs. GERTRUDE ATHERTON of having written <i>The +Avalanche</i> (MURRAY) either for the amusement of exercise in an +unfamiliar medium, or, well, for any motive that might explain a +production certainly not quite up to her own standard. Its +publishers (who may be prejudiced) consider <i>The Avalanche</i> as +"a brilliant and engaging study of mystery and romance;" me it +impressed as a melodrama dependent on one long-heralded sensation, +which proves on tardy arrival an affair of disappointment. I +suppose I must be careful not to give away the mystery, such as it +is. <i>Price Rugler</i> was anxious to discover why his attractive +wife assumed a worried look when money was mentioned and fainted on +being told that she was not to wear the family ruby at a particular +masque. All this happened (you may not be astonished to hear) in +San Francisco, amongst that luxurious, idle, over-moneyed society +whose manners Mrs. ATHERTON knows and describes so well. +<i>Price</i> had already found out, with the assistance of a not +too brilliant detective, that his wife's mother derived her income +from a gambling saloon; the remaining problem was how to link up +this knowledge with the odd behaviour of <i>Mrs. Price</i>. Perhaps +you see it already. She had been—No, I said I wouldn't, and I +won't. Of course the discovery couldn't be called cheerful, though +it was fortunately made in time to prevent any great harm. But it +was nothing like an avalanche.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is much harder, I am afraid, to be a good Bengali than a good +Englishman. <i>Nikhil</i>, the Rajah of Sir RABINDRANATH TAGORE'S +<i>The Home and the World</i> (MACMILLAN), persists in treating +<i>Sandip Babu</i> (a convinced Nietzchean in philosophy and a +Nationalist of the most inflammable type) as an honoured guest of +his household, in spite of the fact that he differs from the fellow +profoundly on every conceivable topic and is well aware, moreover, +that <i>Sandip</i> is rapidly winning the heart of his Rani, +<i>Bimala</i>. <i>Nikhil</i>, you see, considers that "all +imposition of force is weakness," and that "only the weak dare not +be just." Most Westerners, I think, would have kicked the +rhapsodical and rather plausible agitator out-of-doors and felt all +the better for it from the boot-toe upwards. The real truth is that +the story, which is written in the form of a triple autobiography +(<i>Nikhil, Sandip</i> and <i>Bimala</i> all taking a hand at +telling it in turn) is an exposition of two views of Suadeshi, or +what may be called the Sinn Fein movement in India. <i>Nikhil</i> +is the apostle of "self-realisation" as a moral force; +<i>Sandip</i> believes in grabbing whatever you can. The latter +first deifies his country (<i>Bande Mataram,</i> or "Hail, Mother!" +is the Nationalist motto) and then identifies <i>Bimala</i> with +the object of his worship, which seems a very convenient theory. As +for <i>Bimala</i>, she wavers between the two. The romantic +interest of the book (which is, by the way, a translation) breaks +down rather badly when it becomes clear that <i>Sandip</i> is not +really a big enough man to make a complete conquest of the Rani; +but from every other point of view it is supremely interesting. And +if <i>Nikhil</i> might perhaps have been improved by a little less +force of character and more of shoe-leather, <i>Bimala</i>, at any +rate, is a delightful personage.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Even "KATHARINE TYNAN" must sometimes fall below her own +standard, and <i>The Man from Australia</i> (COLLINS), though +written with considerable grace and charm, is too thin in plot to +be altogether satisfactory. <i>John Darling</i>, a youngish man of +wealth and an extremely liberal disposition, came from Australia to +visit his connexions in the West of Ireland and—if +opportunities occurred—to help them. Opportunities did offer +themselves in abundance. The <i>Adairs</i> in their various ways +were ripe for a benefactor of the <i>Darling</i> type to appear, +and <i>John</i> soon got busy. In the course of his +activities—for it would have been unkind (and very dull) to +bring him all the way from Australia to Ireland just to serve as a +travelling relief-fund—he is made to fall in love with one of +the <i>Adair</i> girls. And that's almost the whole story. One may +always trust Mrs. HINKSON to get her atmosphere right; but she is +not so happy in her attempt to contrast the preternaturally +unselfish <i>Darling</i> who, like an earlier <i>Mr. Darling</i>, +would have been content to live in a kennel) with the inordinately +self-indulgent father of the <i>Adairs</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href= +"images/508.png"><img width="100%" src="images/508.png" alt= +"UNRECORDED HISTORY." /></a> +<h4>UNRECORDED HISTORY.</h4> +<p>INCONSIDERATE FLAPPER WAYLAYS KING JOHN ON HIS RETURN FROM +SIGNING MAGNA CARTA AT RUNNYMEDE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page509" id="page509"></a>[pg +509]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/509.png"><img width="100%" src="images/509.png" alt= +"EPILOGUE" /></a></div> +<h2>THE NEW ORDER OF THINGS.</h2> +<p>"I assume," said the Cynic, "that you are sufficiently sanguine +to rejoice in the prospects of Peace."</p> +<p>"I derive a certain satisfaction from those prospects," replied +Mr. Punch on a note of reserve.</p> +<p>"But you ought to be jazzing for joy, like the other fools in +their Paradise of nigger minstrelsy."</p> +<p>"My years excuse me from choric exercises," said the Sage. "And, +anyhow, it doesn't take me that way."</p> +<p>"Then you are not in the movement. You are not in touch with the +spiritual pulse of our throbbing Metropolis; you take no active +part in the New Life that is springing from the seed of England's +sacrifices. True, your years, as you say, are against you, however +well you wear them: it is to the young that we look first for signs +of the great Regeneration. And in particular we look to those who +are to be the mothers of that future race which should reap the +full harvest of our blood and tears.</p> +<p>"And what do we find?" continued the Cynic. "We find a contempt +for the old virtues of simplicity and reticence; we find the +distinction of sex wiped out, and with it all reverence and sense +of mystery. Nature is a back number with them; they must for ever +be plastering their noses with powder—not just privily, as +used to be the better way of faded charmers, but shamelessly in +public places. In dress they barely keep within the bounds of +decency prescribed by the police. They make their own advances, +rounding up and capturing their 'boys' for partners, lest the +haunts of jazzery should be closed against them. And in this +competition for their favours the good modest fellows who only a +little while ago were fighting our battles for us are now giving +themselves the airs of spoilt beauties. What do you make of all +this in your scheme of Renaissance?"</p> +<p>"I admit much of what you say," said Mr. Punch, "but I ascribe +it, in part at least, to a natural reaction from the strain and +horror of War."</p> +<p>"'Reaction'!" snorted the Cynic. "A very comfortable word. But +what were the sufferings from which they are 'reacting'? The loss, +you will say, of the flower of our chivalry in battle? Well, one +would think that might have steadied them. Is this what our manhood +died for—to make a British carnival?"</p> +<p>"I don't pretend to understand that side of it," said the Sage, +"but I know that during the War we respected the silence of their +grief; and I know that nature must choose its own way of recovering +from a loss and reasserting its claim to happiness. Remember, too, +that War must always have its demoralising features, however +splendid the cause for which you are fighting. 'Let us eat and +drink, for to-morrow we die,' says the soldier in his brief +intervals of release. And some of us at home went more than +half-way to meet him, imitating an attitude excusable in him but +not in us. And that attitude is bound to survive for a little time +the causes that induced <span class="pagenum"><a name="page510" id= +"page510"></a>[pg 510]</span> it. But you must not forget that many +of the type which you are now attacking did noble work in the War; +and they will do it again."</p> +<p>"That may be," said the Cynic; "but is it necessary to have an +orgy of <i>Carmagnole</i> in between?"</p> +<p>"I think perhaps it is like the case of a crew or a team going +out of training. They permit themselves a certain relaxation before +they start training for the next contest. But I think too that +there is something to be said for your reference to the +<i>Carmagnole</i>. We are passing through a phase of Revolution, +very natural after a great upheaval. The sense of freedom—the +very thing for which we have been fighting—is apt to turn the +heads of the young and thoughtless. There is a spirit of rebellion +in the air, which at its worst takes the form of Bolshevism, but +here is seen in a relatively harmless shape as a general revolt +against social restriction, a general passion for what is known as +'a good time.' In any case it is only a passing phase. Already +there are signs of a reaction from this reaction; of a return to +the decency of other days. They tell me, for a slight but +significant indication, that the waltz is coming back; that we may +even look to see a revival of the, minuet and pavane."</p> +<p>"Then it is just a question of a cycle of vogues? We are to be +swayed by recurring gusts of fashion, and not inspired by a fixed +ideal."</p> +<p>"Fashion counts with us, of course, for we are human and some of +us are feminine. There was a fashion of patriotism as there is now +a fashion of something that might easily be mistaken for its +opposite. But the range of its influence is largely confined to a +rather negligible element in London, the most provincial of +capitals. The Press—and notably the Photographic +Press—gives it a prominence out of all relation to its +importance. The great majority are untouched by it. They talk +little and they advertise less. But in a thousand quiet ways they +are setting themselves to make good."</p> +<p>"To make good money, you mean. Our world seems made up of +profiteers and of those who would be profiteers but can't, and so +abuse those who can. Can you name to me a period when there was a +wilder rush for wealth, or a more blatant display of luxury? +Sometimes I wish the War back; England was at her best when the +call for sacrifice came home to her. But how—we hear great +talk of Reconstruction, but I am reminded rather of the +Restoration."</p> +<p>"My friend," said the Sage, "I shall believe that this too is +only a temporary phase. Memory is not our strong point, but you can +perhaps throw back your mind to a year ago and recall how near we +came to the ruin of our hopes. Victory took us by surprise; and we +were less prepared for Peace at that moment than we ever had been +for War. And, just as in the first days of the fighting we went +astray, running after the cry, 'Business-as-usual,' so to-day we +are making as bad a mistake when we run after +'Pleasure-as-usual'—or rather more than usual. But we soon +revised that early error, and we shan't waste much time about +revising this. For though we lacked imagination then, and still +lack it, we have the gift, perhaps even more useful if less showy, +of common sense. And when common sense is found in natures that are +honest and hearts that are clean it may make mistakes, but not for +long.</p> +<p>"No, I am an optimist, and an incorrigible old fool, if you +like, but I am certain that the spirit which won the War is not +going to fail us at this second call. Perhaps we have only been +waiting for the actual consummation of Peace to settle down to our +new and greater task.</p> +<p>"And now I must excuse myself from further dialogue, having a +mission to perform in connection with this very task. I go to +distribute a corrective for some of the evils of Peace, as +indicated by you. My motor-lorry, stuffed with samples, awaits me +without."</p> +<p>"And what is the nature of your patent medicine?" said the +Cynic, very cynically.</p> +<p>"It is," replied Mr. Punch, very confidently but also very +modestly,—"it is a little thing of my own. It is, in fact; +my</p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/510.png"><img width="100%" src="images/510.png" alt= +"One Hundred and Fifty-Sixth Volume'." /></a></div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page511" id="page511"></a>[pg +511]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/511.png"><img width="100%" src="images/511.png" alt= +"INDEX" /></a></div> +<hr /> +<h2>Cartoons.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PARTRIDGE, BERNARD</p> +<p class="i2">Babes in the Wood (The) 25</p> +<p class="i2">Bear Turns (The) 443</p> +<p class="i2">Cinderella 183</p> +<p class="i2">Cramping his Style 283</p> +<p class="i2">"Dora" discomfited 63</p> +<p class="i2">Dove at Sea (The) 303</p> +<p class="i2">"Dry" Humour 123</p> +<p class="i2">England Expects 163</p> +<p class="i2">Faith Restored 463</p> +<p class="i2">First German Victory (The) 83</p> +<p class="i2">Foch-Terrier (The) 203</p> +<p class="i2">Germany Draws the Pen 383</p> +<p class="i2">Ghosts at Versailles 363</p> +<p class="i2">Giving Him Rope 143</p> +<p class="i2">Honour Satisfied 423</p> +<p class="i2">In the Subscription Lists 483</p> +<p class="i2">Irresistible Claim (An) 223</p> +<p class="i2">Loving Cup (The) 403</p> +<p class="i2">Military Muzzle (The) 343</p> +<p class="i2">1919 Model (The) 9</p> +<p class="i2">Overweighted 243</p> +<p class="i2">Peril Without (The) 263</p> +<p class="i2">Philanderer (The) 503</p> +<p class="i2">Progressive Weight-lifter (The) 103</p> +<p class="i2">Reckoning (The) 323</p> +<p class="i2">World's Desire (The) 43</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>RAVEN-HILL, L.</p> +<p class="i2">Another Threatened Industry 215</p> +<p class="i2">Army of Unoccupation (The) 275</p> +<p class="i2">Cautious Dictator (A) 375</p> +<p class="i2">Cheerful Pachyderm (The) 315</p> +<p class="i2">Dawn of Intelligence in Berlin 155</p> +<p class="i2">Distractions of an Indispensable 235</p> +<p class="i2">Easter Offering (The) 295</p> +<p class="i2">Finishing Touch (The) 475</p> +<p class="i2">Goose that Lays the Golden Eggs (The) 135</p> +<p class="i2">Great Renunciation (The) 415</p> +<p class="i2">Home from Home (A) 175</p> +<p class="i2">Imperial Preference 355</p> +<p class="i2">International Stakes (The) 435</p> +<p class="i2">Lost Ally (The) 75</p> +<p class="i2">New Commercial Traveller (The) 55</p> +<p class="i2">New Issue (The) 455</p> +<p class="i2">Order of Release (The) 95</p> +<p class="i2">Peace Queue (The) 395</p> +<p class="i2">Reconstruction; a New Year's Task 3</p> +<p class="i2">Redress Rehearsal (A) 495</p> +<p class="i2">Ruins of Empire 35</p> +<p class="i2">Spring Defensive (A) 255</p> +<p class="i2">Turn of the Tide (The) 195</p> +<p class="i2">Victim (The) 115</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>TOWNSEND, F. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Menace of May (The) 335</p> +<p class="i2">War Against the Public (The) 19</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>Articles.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ANDERSON, MAJOR GORDON</p> +<p class="i2">Mistress and Maid 262</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ARMSTRONG, H.</p> +<p class="i2">Labour Notes 449</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Rus in Urbe</i> 428</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BAIN, CAPT. B. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Cast 134</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BELL, ROBERT</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Autres Temps, Autres Moers</i> 54</p> +<p class="i2">Perfectly Unauthentic Anecdotes 234</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BERRY, H. W.</p> +<p class="i2">To an Egyptian Boy 24</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BIRD, CAPT. A. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Joshua 40</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BRETHERTON, CYRIL</p> +<p class="i2">Bolshevismus 346</p> +<p class="i2">Charivaria weekly</p> +<p class="i2">Coal 450</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Dulce Domum</i> 110</p> +<p class="i2">Patriot's Reward (The) 217</p> +<p class="i2">Songs of Innocence 432</p> +<p class="i2">To a dear Departed 138</p> +<p class="i2">To-day in the Food Garden 274</p> +<p class="i2">War-Dogs' Party (The) 65, 88</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BROWN, C. L. M.</p> +<p class="i2">Back to the Cam 374</p> +<p class="i2">Good-bye to the Auxiliary Patrol 154, 174</p> +<p class="i2">Rhymes of Rank 320</p> +<p class="i2">Tragedy of Over-Education (A) 58</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BROWN, J. B.</p> +<p class="i2">Contracts 148</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BURGE, M. R. K.</p> +<p class="i2">Small-Talk 318</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BURROW, C. K.</p> +<p class="i2">Red Wine of the Country (The) 186</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CARTER, DESMOND</p> +<p class="i2">Bakerloonacy 407</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CHANDLER, MISS B. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Collaboration. 366</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>COWAN, M. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Blighty Impressions 80</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CRASTER, LIEUT. COL. J. E. E.</p> +<p class="i2">Edentulous Persons 114</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CRAWFORD, CAPT. L. I.</p> +<p class="i2">N.Y.D. 448</p> +<p class="i2">Propaganda in the Balkans 296</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CUNDY, C. W.</p> +<p class="i2">"As You Were" 338</p> +<p class="i2">Balaam Stakes (The) 474</p> +<p class="i2">Error in Tactics (An) 456</p> +<p class="i2">Spring Ideal (A) 414</p> +<p class="i2">Tangled Triangle (A) 496</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DARMADY, CAPT. E. S.</p> +<p class="i2">Poet (The) 476</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DEANS, F. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Our Beauty Column 60</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DE BANZIE, ERIC</p> +<p class="i2">Spoil-Sport (The) 314</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DE STEIN, EDWARD</p> +<p class="i2">My Sergeant-Major-Domo 96</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DIXEY, H. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Early One Morning 86</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DRAKE, MAURICE</p> +<p class="i2">Diamond-cut-Diamond 408</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DUKES, MAJOR A.</p> +<p class="i2">Pumpenheim 436</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ELIAS, FRANK</p> +<p class="i2">With the Red Guards. 321</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ELLIS, D. C.</p> +<p class="i2">Acute Angler (The) 136</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ENGLEMAN, S. E.</p> +<p class="i2">Tendencies 126</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FARJEON, MISS E.</p> +<p class="i2">Dancing demobilised 128</p> +<p class="i2">State Lotteries 190</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FENN, C. R.</p> +<p class="i2">Real Dalrymple (The) 96</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FOOTE, S. H. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Maternal Instinct (The) 280</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FOX-SMITH, MISS C.</p> +<p class="i2">Old Ships (The) 290</p> +<p class="i2">Rhyme of the "Rio Grande" 34</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE</p> +<p class="i2">Bird Lore 477, 499</p> +<p class="i2">Blue Hat (The) 316</p> +<p class="i2">Princess Charming 156</p> +<p class="i2">Royal Interview (A) 468</p> +<p class="i2">Trees and Fairies 74</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GARSTIN, CROSBIE</p> +<p class="i2">Hairies (The) 402</p> +<p class="i2">Mud Larks (The) 22, 68, 120, 156, 214, 260, 300, 360, +478</p> +<p class="i2">Old Soldiers 342</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GARVEY, MISS INA</p> +<p class="i2">Blanche's Letters 416</p> +<p class="i2">Tea-cup Twaddle 254</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GILLMAN, CAPT. W. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Career, (The) 54</p> +<p class="i2">Career (Postponed) (The) 318</p> +<p class="i2">Demobilisation Disaster (A) 20</p> +<p class="i2">Macedonia 286</p> +<p class="i2">Teaching Tommy 79</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GLASGOW, GEORGE</p> +<p class="i2">Embarrassment and the Lawyer 454</p> +<p class="i2">Game of the Telephone (The) 210</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GRAHAM, R. D. C.</p> +<p class="i2">Brighter Side of Peace (The). 294</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GRAVES, C. L.</p> +<p class="i2">Anti-Picadors (The) 5</p> +<p class="i2">Brains and Baldness 345</p> +<p class="i2">Celtic Counterblast (A) 366</p> +<p class="i2">Conscription of Brains (The) 467</p> +<p class="i2">Contra Appreciation (A) 139</p> +<p class="i2">Literary Gossip 308</p> +<p class="i2">More Musical Reconstruction 406</p> +<p class="i2">Musical Gossip 23</p> +<p class="i2">Musical Reconstruction 386</p> +<p class="i2">Need of our Times (The) 498</p> +<p class="i2">Passing of Greek (The) 298</p> +<p class="i2">Recognition à la mode 446</p> +<p class="i2">Renaissance (The) 429</p> +<p class="i2">Silly Seasoning 248</p> +<p class="i2">Test of Friendship (The) 208</p> +<p class="i2">To M. Georges Clemenceau 182</p> +<p class="i2">To the Speaker on his Re-election 117</p> +<p class="i2">Weary Titan (The) 41</p> +<p class="i2">Why drag in Mrs. Siddons? 505</p> +<p class="i2">Winchester's Opportunity 106</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GREENLAND, GEORGE</p> +<p class="i2">Going to the Bank 494</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GUTHRIE, ANSTEY</p> +<p class="i2">Dogs' Delight 348</p> +<p class="i2">Treacherous Son (The) 420</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HEALY, LESLIE</p> +<p class="i2">Day (The) 410</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HERBERT, LIEUT. A. P., R.N.V.R.</p> +<p class="i2">Anniversary (The) 369</p> +<p class="i2">Another Crisis 102</p> +<p class="i2">Appointment (The) 122</p> +<p class="i2">Revolt (The) 349</p> +<p class="i2">Space Problem (The) 207</p> +<p class="i2">Spring Cleaning 377</p> +<p class="i2">Thoughts in Committee 62</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HODGE, H. S. V.</p> +<p class="i2">Chant Royal of Cricket 380</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HODGKINSON, T.</p> +<p class="i2">Cricket Bargain (A) 480</p> +<p class="i2">Plea for Proportion (A) 106</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HODGSON, CAPT. N.</p> +<p class="i2">To a Chinese Coolie 150</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HOLMES, CAPT. W. K.</p> +<p class="i2">Army of Entertainment, Ltd. 28</p> +<p class="i2">Art in the Arctic 490</p> +<p class="i2">Blanket Astray (The) 130</p> +<p class="i2">Murman Amenities 418</p> +<p class="i2">Murmansk Mosquito (The) 470</p> +<p class="i2">Spring Modes at Murmansk 380</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HOLT, R. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Local Colour 128</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HOPWOOD, REAR-ADMIRAL</p> +<p class="i2">New Navy (The) 60</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HUTCHINSON, H. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Fine Ear for the Haspirate (A) 80</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HYSLOP, CAPT. A. F.</p> +<p class="i2">Last of His Race (The) 378</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>IMAGE, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2">Coal-Dust 160</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>IRVING, CAPT. L. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Tragedy of the Super-Patriot 257</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>IRWIN, FELIX</p> +<p class="i2">Mélisande's Point of View 438</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page512" id= +"page512"></a>[pg 512]</span> +<p>JAGGER, ARTHUR</p> +<p class="i2">Ptero-dactyls 202</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>JAY, THOMAS</p> +<p class="i2">Charivaria weekly</p> +<p class="i2">Midget (The) 166</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>JENKINS, ERNEST</p> +<p class="i2">Daily and Maily 97</p> +<p class="i2">New School (A) 85</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>KERR, S. P.</p> +<p class="i2">Counter-Revolutionary Collar 270</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>KIDD, ARTHUR</p> +<p class="i2">Drink of the Gods (The) 90</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>KILPATRICK, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Français tel que l'on le parle (Le)</i> +170</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Nouvelles de Paris</i> 140, 180, 220</p> +<p class="i2">Peace Terms 320</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>KNOX, CAPT. E. V.</p> +<p class="i2">New Arm (The) 422</p> +<p class="i2">Nomads (The) 398</p> +<p class="i2">Revanche 362</p> +<p class="i2">Those Dresses 502</p> +<p class="i2">Veges on Strike (The) 490</p> +<p class="i2">Waiting for the Spark 440</p> +<p class="i2">Way Out 390</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LANCASTER, G. B.</p> +<p class="i2">Our Bivvie 87</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LANGLEY, MAJOR F. O.</p> +<p class="i2">Career (A) 179</p> +<p class="i2">Watch Dogs (The) 10, 200</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LEHMANN, R. C.</p> +<p class="i2">Bablingo. 327</p> +<p class="i2">Consultation (A) 150</p> +<p class="i2">Criticism in Excelsis 310</p> +<p class="i2">End of the Volunteers (The) 70</p> +<p class="i2">Father Thames Talks 86</p> +<p class="i2">Hair Cutting and Dentistry 30</p> +<p class="i2">Hanwelliad (The) 270</p> +<p class="i2">Hardy Annual (A) 190</p> +<p class="i2">Laxity in Quotations 368</p> +<p class="i2">Milky Molar (The) 167</p> +<p class="i2">More Alleviations 390</p> +<p class="i2">Mrs. Bloggings's Statement 239</p> +<p class="i2">New Game (The) 50</p> +<p class="i2">Old Dog (An) 208</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LEWIS, M. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Boy (Second Class) 6</p> +<p class="i2">Business as Usual 442</p> +<p class="i2">Cross Country 500</p> +<p class="i2">Fearful Odds 322</p> +<p class="i2">More Reprisals 38</p> +<p class="i2">On the high C.'s 482</p> +<p class="i2">Patriot Pig (The) 116</p> +<p class="i2">Trump Suit (The) 180</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LIAS, A. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Necromancers (The) 36</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LIPSCOMB, CAPT. W. P.</p> +<p class="i2">How to throw off an Article 18</p> +<p class="i2">Lèse-Majesté 48</p> +<p class="i2">On the Rhine 196, 218, 276</p> +<p class="i2">Road to the Rhine (The) 76, 176</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LOCKER, W. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Essence of Parliament weekly during Session</p> +<p class="i2">Parliamentary Casualties 26</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LUCAS, E. V.</p> +<p class="i2">Alas! poor Panther 460</p> +<p class="i2">Another Historic Interview 2</p> +<p class="i2">Art of Leaving (The) 188</p> +<p class="i2">Beautiful Words (The) 168</p> +<p class="i2">"Botches" 288</p> +<p class="i2">C.K.S. and U.S.A. 388</p> +<p class="i2">Clear the Galleries 258</p> +<p class="i2">Crusader (A) 501</p> +<p class="i2">Dramatists to the Rescue 246</p> +<p class="i2">Expensive Amusement (An) 90</p> +<p class="i2">Great Cold-Cure Debate (The) 198</p> +<p class="i2">Our Friend the Fish 350</p> +<p class="i2">Reports 30</p> +<p class="i2">Romance while you wait 110</p> +<p class="i2">Roofs of the Mighty (The) 486</p> +<p class="i2">Transformation 56</p> +<p class="i2">Visionary Triumph (The) 440</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LULHAM, HABBERTON</p> +<p class="i2">On the Safe Side 121</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MCMASTER, BRYCE</p> +<p class="i2">Ark (The) 158</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MARTIN, N. R.</p> +<p class="i2">Evicted 94</p> +<p class="i2">Novel Reconstruction 6</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MASON, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2">Rime Fairies 140</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MEEK, J.</p> +<p class="i2">Ballade of Approaching Baldness 459</p> +<p class="i2">In Memory of Dora 8</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MENZIES, G. K.</p> +<p class="i2">Cook (The) 382</p> +<p class="i2">Polly 310</p> +<p class="i2">Six-hour Day (The) 250</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MILNE, A. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Arrival of Blackman's Warbler 356</p> +<p class="i2">Getting Out 74</p> +<p class="i2">Housing Question (The) 340</p> +<p class="i2">Perils of Reviewing (The) 400</p> +<p class="i2">To the Death 240</p> +<p class="i2">Two Visits (The) 160</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>NICHOLSON, R. T.</p> +<p class="i2">Capital Outlay (A) 396</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>NORRISS, CECIL</p> +<p class="i2">Bird Notes 439</p> +<p class="i2">Charivaria weekly</p> +<p class="i2">Germ (The) 368</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>OGILVIE, W. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Good-bye, Australians 36</p> +<p class="i2">Little Grey Water 462</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>OYLER, MISS MADELINE</p> +<p class="i2">Literary Options 142</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PARKES, J. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Demobilisation 162</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PAYNE, H. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Occupied Opera 201</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PHILLIPS, GORDON</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Après la Guerre</i> 100</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>POOLE, J. C.</p> +<p class="i2">Civil Education for Soldiers 108</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PRESTON-TEWART, A.</p> +<p class="i2">Another Pending Indemnity 488</p> +<p class="i2">Communications 370</p> +<p class="i2">Kismet 159</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PRING, B. V.</p> +<p class="i2">Schloss Billet (The) 242</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>RIGBY, BEGINALD</p> +<p class="i2">Archaeologists (The) 480</p> +<p class="i2">Boom in Architecture (The) 26</p> +<p class="i2">Domestic Question Solved (The) 358</p> +<p class="i2">Gallery Play 236</p> +<p class="i2">Hints on Selecting an Aeroplane 458</p> +<p class="i2">Sporting Chance (A) 430</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ROACH, MISS M. E.</p> +<p class="i2">Brother Service (The) 8</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ROBERTS, E. L.</p> +<p class="i2">Delysious Details 220</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ROBINSON, J. P.</p> +<p class="i2">Linguist (The) 70</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ROWAN-ROBINSON, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2">Daisy 230</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SALVIDGE, STANLEY</p> +<p class="i2">Pink Georgette 308</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SEAMAN, OWEN</p> +<p class="i2">America and Sinn Fein 494</p> +<p class="i2">At the Opera 267</p> +<p class="i2">At the Play 14, 228, 388, 410, 428, 488</p> +<p class="i2">Brest—Bucharest—Versailles 394</p> +<p class="i2">Cam Offensive (The). 134</p> +<p class="i2">Counter-Order of the Bath (The) 374</p> +<p class="i2">Hun as Idealist (The) 154</p> +<p class="i2">Letters to People I don't know 354</p> +<p class="i2">Monuments of the War 194</p> +<p class="i2">"<i>Mutabile Semper</i>" 314</p> +<p class="i2">New Order of Things (The) 509</p> +<p class="i2">Paying Game (A) 294</p> +<p class="i2">Peace at the Seaside 334</p> +<p class="i2">Preliminary Dove: its Prospects 234</p> +<p class="i2">Price of Freedom (The) 254</p> +<p class="i2"><i>The Times</i> as Peacemaker 274</p> +<p class="i2">Tonic of March (The) 174</p> +<p class="i2">To Peace, on her Celebrations 434</p> +<p class="i2">To Robert of the Force 454</p> +<p class="i2">Verdict of Democracy (The) 18</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SHAKESPEARE, CAPT. W. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Souvenir of Cologne (A) 314</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SHARPLES, HENRY</p> +<p class="i2">Ruling Passion (The) 434</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SMITH, JAMES</p> +<p class="i2">F. E. 56</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SOMERVILLE, MISS MAISIE</p> +<p class="i2">Humour's Labour Lost 460</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>STRUNSKY, SIMEON</p> +<p class="i2">Food Problem in Paris (The) 109</p> +<p class="i2">Guaranteed 12</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>STUART, MISS D. M.</p> +<p class="i2">Last Watch of the Night (The) 302</p> +<p class="i2">Swans of Ypres (The) 240</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SUMMERSGILL, J.</p> +<p class="i2">Getting a Job 279</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SYMNS, J. M.</p> +<p class="i2">Songs of Simla 414, 440, 460, 474, 500</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>TALBOT, MISS ETHEL</p> +<p class="i2">Fairies' Flitting (The) 266</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>TAYLOUR, COMMANDER BASIL</p> +<p class="i2">Opium Hound (The) 47</p> +<p class="i2">Civilian Flying, 1930 336</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>THOROLD, R. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Lines to a Legionary 98</p> +<p class="i2">To a March Brown, swallowed alive 229</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>THORP, JOSEPH</p> +<p class="i2">At the Play 268, 350, 506</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>THURGOOD, OWEN</p> +<p class="i2">House-Hunter (The) 248</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>TROTTER, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2">Visitor (The) 78</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>UPTON, CAPT. C. F.</p> +<p class="i2">Beetle of Buda-Pesth (The) 394</p> +<p class="i2">Great Beard Mystery (The) 334</p> +<p class="i2">Tube Nightmare (A) 498</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>WHEELWRIGHT, J. E.</p> +<p class="i2">Frost and Thaw 146</p> +<p class="i2">Year's Reprisals (A) 328</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>WHITE, R. F.</p> +<p class="i2">Demobilised Daydreams 230</p> +<p class="i2">Pair of Military Gloves (A) 194</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>WHITMARSH, F. J.</p> +<p class="i2">Shady Tenant (A) 420</p> +<p class="i2">Truthful Traveller (The) 50</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>WODEHOUSE, E. A.</p> +<p class="i2">To an Unknown Colleague 1</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="i2">ACOCK, W. 372</p> +<p class="i2">ARMOUR, MAJOR G. D. 5, 151, 211</p> +<p class="i2">BATEMAN, H. M. 101, 181, 421, 498</p> +<p class="i2">BAUMER, LEWIS 15, 24, 39, 62, 81, 122, 142, 162, 182, +202, 222, 242, 282, 302, 321, 342, 382, 409, 422, 436, 462, 502</p> +<p class="i2">BELCHER, GEORGE 147, 485</p> +<p class="i2">BIRD, W. 10, 17, 86, 113, 132, 152, 153, 272, 273, +308, 313, 378, 432, 447, 481</p> +<p class="i2">BLAIKLEY, ERNEST 233</p> +<p class="i2">BRIGHTWELL, L. R. 329, 368, 406, 478</p> +<p class="i2">BROADHEAD, W. S. 351</p> +<p class="i2">BROCK, H. M. 4, 20, 97, 119, 137, 207, 238, 347, 369, +407</p> +<p class="i2">BROOK, RICARDO 12, 16, 26, 33, 52, 68, 88, 108, 148, +192, 210, 328, 346, 373</p> +<p class="i2">COTTRELL, T. 59, 212, 229</p> +<p class="i2">DIXON, GEORGE 470</p> +<p class="i2">DOWD, J. H. 51, 176, 206, 257, 358, 391, 453</p> +<p class="i2">DOWD, L. P. 293, 431</p> +<p class="i2">FERRIER, ARTHUR 129, 248, 318</p> +<p class="i2">"FOUGASSE" 281, 353, 376, 469</p> +<p class="i2">FRASER, P. 216, 252, 253, 319, 333,410,438, 448</p> +<p class="i2">GARRATT, ARTHUR 46, 91, 106, 218, 312</p> +<p class="i2">GARSTIN, MISS ALETHEA 219</p> +<p class="i2">GHILCHIK, D. L. 38</p> +<p class="i2">GRAVE, CHARLES 67, 109, 118, 179, 247, 297, 317, 393, +397, 473</p> +<p class="i2">HARRINGTON, J. W. 112</p> +<p class="i2">HARRISON, CHARLES 167, 418</p> +<p class="i2">HART, FRANK 198, 399</p> +<p class="i2">HASELDEN, W. K. 14, 228, 268, 388, 428, 488, 506</p> +<p class="i2">HOLLAND, G. C. 288</p> +<p class="i2">HORNE, A. E. 356, 377</p> +<p class="i2">HOWELLS, CAPTAIN W. A. 61</p> +<p class="i2">JENNIS, G. 49, 79, 171, 231, 309, 367 429, 459</p> +<p class="i2">LEETE, ALFRED 40</p> +<p class="i2">LEWIN, F. G. 133</p> +<p class="i2">LONGMIRE, G. 93</p> +<p class="i2">MCHUTCHON, J. F. 172, 413</p> +<p class="i2">MAY, FRED. 348</p> +<p class="i2">MILLS, A. WALLIS 11, 28, 65, 78, 139, 199, 241, 258, +278, 307, 327, 427, 451, 467, 479</p> +<p class="i2">MORELAND, ARTHUR 58, 136, 287, 338, 491</p> +<p class="i2">MORROW, EDWIN 332</p> +<p class="i2">MORROW, GEORGE 7, 29, 47, 72, 73, 87, 98, 127, 138, +169, 209, 232, 239, 259, 292, 381, 401, 412, 419, 452, 472, 492, +508</p> +<p class="i2">NORRIS, ARTHUR 507</p> +<p class="i2">PARTRIDGE, BERNARD 1</p> +<p class="i2">PEGRAM, FRED 262</p> +<p class="i2">PETT, NORMAN 32, 352, 392</p> +<p class="i2">PRANCE, BERTRAM 66, 433</p> +<p class="i2">RAVEN-HILL, L. 189, 510</p> +<p class="i2">REYNOLDS, FRANK 27, 57, 77, 99, 111, 117, 161, 177, +201, 213, 221, 249, 256, 277, 296, 316, 336, 357, 411, 441, 471, +476, 505</p> +<p class="i2">ROUNTREE, HARRY 486</p> +<p class="i2">SHEPARD, E. H. 41, 191, 251, 449, 458, 489</p> +<p class="i2">SHEPPERSON, C. A. 31, 45, 85, 105, 131, 168, 271, +291, 311, 349, 371, 461</p> +<p class="i2">STAMPA, G. L. 13, 21, 37, 71, 89, 107, 126, 141, 159, +217, 236, 269, 276, 298, 322, 339, 362, 379, 396, 416, 439, 466, +477, 501</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href= +"images/512.png"><img width="100%" src="images/512.png" alt= +"FINIS" /></a></div> +<p class="i2">THOMAS, BERT 178, 196, 267, 279, 299, 337, 341, 359, +387, 398, 426, 442, 456, 497</p> +<p class="i2">THOMPSON, A. 92</p> +<p class="i2">TOWNSEND, F. H. 8, 23, 42, 53, 69, 82, 102, 121, 125, +145, 146, 149, 157, 165, 173, 185, 188, 197, 205, 225, 226, 227, +237, 245, 246, 261, 265, 266, 285, 286, 289, 301, 305, 306, 325, +326, 331, 345, 361, 365, 366, 385, 386, 389, 402, 405, 417, 425, +437, 445, 446, 457, 465, 482, 496</p> +<p class="i2">WILSON, H. R. 158, 187, 193, 487, 499</p> +<p class="i2">WOOD, STARK 493</p> +<br clear="all" /> +<hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11712 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11712-h/images/493.png b/11712-h/images/493.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..05e143c --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/493.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/495.png b/11712-h/images/495.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..656dcd5 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/495.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/496.png b/11712-h/images/496.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ae0970 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/496.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/497.png b/11712-h/images/497.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e0fd6d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/497.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/498.png b/11712-h/images/498.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bb8b5ab --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/498.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/499.png b/11712-h/images/499.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8bd6258 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/499.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/501.png b/11712-h/images/501.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..569a4eb --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/501.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/502.png b/11712-h/images/502.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac9949a --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/502.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/503.png b/11712-h/images/503.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b7c8c9d --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/503.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/505.png b/11712-h/images/505.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0c59b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/505.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/506.png b/11712-h/images/506.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3fb42b --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/506.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/507.png b/11712-h/images/507.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7ef978 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/507.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/508.png b/11712-h/images/508.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce8459c --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/508.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/509.png b/11712-h/images/509.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..47b4832 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/509.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/510.png b/11712-h/images/510.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5e0f2dc --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/510.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/511.png b/11712-h/images/511.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6b656c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/511.png diff --git a/11712-h/images/512.png b/11712-h/images/512.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1087ad --- /dev/null +++ b/11712-h/images/512.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..98f9eed --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11712 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11712) diff --git a/old/11712-8.txt b/old/11712-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..511e5e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11712-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2666 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +June 25, 1919, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, June 25, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 25, 2004 [EBook #11712] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH JUNE 25, 1919 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +June 25, 1919. + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A man has written to the papers offering to buy five thousand pounds of +Joy Loan if the Government will get him a case of whisky. The simple +fellow does not seem to realise that if the Government had anything as +valuable as a case of whisky it would not have to raise a loan. + + *** + +The successful trans-Atlantic flight and the large number of +public-houses in Galway threaten to make prohibition in U.S.A. nothing +less than a farce. + + *** + +Smoking, says a Church paper, is on the increase among boys. Boys will +be girls these days. + + *** + +Smoking and bad language seem to go together, says Professor GILBERT +MURRAY. In the case of some cheap cigars we have often seen them going +together. + + *** + +A bazaar has been held in Dublin for the purpose of securing a fresh +stock of wild animals for the Zoological Gardens. It is not believed, +however, that the popularity of Sinn Fein can be seriously challenged. + + *** + +"Serbia," says an Italian news agency, "is purchasing large quantities +of war material and aeroplanes." It is feared, however, that these +elaborate Peace preparations may yet turn out to be premature. + + *** + +Two German machine guns, it is stated, have been placed in a provincial +library. Even this, it is thought, will not prevent Mr. H.G. WELLS from +doing what he conceives to be his duty. + + *** + +Labour unrest is reported from Spitzbergen. There is also a rumour that +the Greenlanders are demanding the nationalization of blubber and a +180-day year. + + *** + +There is said to be some talk at Washington of the House of +Representatives inviting President WILSON to visit America shortly. + + *** + +A Chicago Girls' Club has decided that its members shall have nothing to +do with young men. It is certainly getting to be an effeminate habit. + + *** + +_The Daily Mail_ has presented a golden slipper for the actress with the +smallest feet. The slipper, we understand, is quite new and has never +been used on anybody. + + *** + +An American gentleman is about to offer for sale his corkscrew, or would +exchange for something useful. + + *** + +A very mean theft is reported from West Ealing. Not content with +stealing the loose silver a burglar is reported to have stolen the +muzzle from off the watch-dog. + + *** + +The New Cross Fire Brigade have been awarded a Challenge Cup for the +quickest work. This brigade is now open to book a few orders for fires +during August, when they have several open dates. + + *** + +We understand that a couple of young cheeses were kidnapped from a +Crouch Hill warehouse last week. + + *** + +It is a surprising fact, says a contemporary, that when LENIN was born +his parents were practically penniless. The greater mystery is that his +parents decided to keep him. + + *** + +A statistical expert has estimated that if all the questions asked by +Mr. SMILLIE at the Coal Commission's sittings were placed one before the +other they would lead to nowhere. + + *** + +Over one hundred posters illustrating the danger of house-flies have +been exhibited in the Enfield district. It is doubtful whether this will +have the desired effect, for it is well known that flies cannot read. + + *** + +The price of a first-class interment, says a contemporary, has risen +from £3 18s 0d. to £5 15s. 0d. The result is that many people +have decided to try to do without one this year. + + *** + +The arrival in England of a rare mosquito is reported by the +South-Eastern Union of Scientific Societies. It seems that the insect +had worked its passage to the British Museum. We think that a sharper +look-out should be kept on mosquitoes arriving at our ports. + + *** + +A painful episode is reported from Yarmouth. It appears that a visitor, +desirous of taking home a souvenir of his holiday, thoughtlessly filled +a bottle with sea water at low tide, with the result that just before +high tide the bottle burst, inflicting serious injuries on the +passengers in the railway carriage in which he was travelling. + + *** + +Out of nine applicants for the post of Language Master at a well-known +Public school, eight were proficient in at least five languages. +However, as the ninth man proved to be an ex-Sergeant-Major, the eight +immediately retired in his favour. + + *** + +We now hear that the question regarding the possession of +Kladizatiffagtaliofatoffka, in Poland, which has caused so much of the +delay at the Peace Conference, has been satisfactorily settled. The four +Big Powers are to have a couple of syllables each and the remaining +three will be raffled for. + + *** + +On account of the large number of robberies of safes that have taken +place in London during the last few weeks it is possible that an effort +will shortly be made to do away with these cumbersome articles in order +to stamp out the epidemic. + + *** + +The bacteriologist of the Oyster Merchants' and Planters' Association +claims to have discovered a means of purifying polluted mussels. To +ascertain if a mussel requires to be purified examine the whites of its +eyes. + + *** + +Newspapers have appeared again in Buenos Ayres. No other troubles are +anticipated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I'VE CALLED TO SEE IF YOU COULD MAKE A MINATURE OF ME."] + + * * * * * + +AMERICA AND SINN FEIN. + + [Being a Republican's apology for the recent anti-British agitation + in the States.] + + Oh, never let it mar the mutual love, + That now unites us eye to eye, + If, superficially, we seem to shove + Our fingers in your Irish pie-- + An action which, if you should so behave, + Would make old MONROE wriggle in his grave. + + How loath we are by nature to intrude + In things outside our own concern + Is witnessed by the European feud + In which we lately took a turn; + Ere WILSON'S mind was fixed to see you through it, + For years he wondered if he ought to do it. + + And, when for Ireland's good we intervene + In matters patently remote, + You must not count our loyalty less keen-- + We simply want the Irish vote; + 'Tis an election stunt, this lion-baiting, + Designed for local Kelts who need placating. + + So, when our Yankee delegates rehearse + Their tale of Erin's bitter woe, + Of crimes, almost too bad to quote in Erse, + Committed by the Saxon foe, + Please understand why our apparent bias is + In favour of these nimble Ananiases. + + And also why, for Ireland's dear, dear sake + (Meaning of course "Ourselves Alone"), + A lot of us would gladly let her take + Our WILSON for her very own, + To worship, like a god inside a tin fane, + As WOODROW ONE, First President of Sinn Fein. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +GOING TO THE BANK. + +She thought she had got a bargain. It was only marked "20/-," and would +have been double the price at any of the West-end places. So she whipped +out her Japanese note-case, paid for it, and carried it off like a +whirlwind lest the shopman should find he had made a mistake. + +But it was she who had made a mistake, and she broke the news to me at +breakfast on the following morning. + +Two of her one-pound notes (or, to be exact, _my_ one pound notes) must +have stuck together. She had paid the West-end price after all. + +Then, instead of blaming her own carelessness, as I should have done, +what must she do but attack Mr. LLOYD GEORGE? + +"It's all his fault, this horrid dirty paper-money... Spreading +infection wherever it goes!" + +It devolved upon me to defend the Government, which I did with some +heat, drawing forth another one-pound note casually, as though I were +made of them, and flourishing it in my hand. + +"And anyway," I argued, "Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is not to blame. The note does +not bear his signature, but that of Sir JOHN BRADBURY. And a fine bold +signature it is--why, it's dirt-cheap for the lesson in handwriting +alone." + +She did not appreciate that, because hers is a small scrabbed writing. +But I continued mercilessly-- + +"I bet he doesn't bite _his_ lips when he's signing his name." + +"Extremely bad writing, I should call it," she retorted. "Look, you +cannot tell where the '_u_' ends and the '_r_' begins." + +"But aside from that," I resumed (I was very proud of this expression, +having picked it up from President WILSON)--"aside from that, turn the +note over, feast your eyes on the picture of the Houses of Parliament. +It too is thrown in for nothing. This at least ought to appeal to you, +with your enthusiasm for Gothic architecture." + +If looks could annihilate, that would have been my last boiled egg. + +"You think yourself very clever," she said, "and you are supposed to +understand all about money matters. Surely you know of a bank where I +can take these wretched notes and get gold instead, the good old English +gold that was worth its face-value all the world over?" + +I did not know she could be so eloquent. I rose and went to the window. +It was a noble morning. + +"Yes," I said after a little reflection, "put on your best hat and +collect your paper-money. But try and pack it all into the kit-bag if +you possibly can." (She winced a little.) "I know a bank where you will +be able to get all the gold you want...." + * * * * * +Shoulder to shoulder we fought the good fight for the motor-bus. + +"Two to the Bank," I gasped. + +But it was at Charing Cross station I made her descend. She looked +extraordinarily mystified, and I explained that the Bank's country +branches are the only ones where gold is still to be had. + * * * * * +She and an empty milk-can and I were all that got out at the little +station in the hills. However, a cuckoo introduced himself boldly by +name. He seemed so near he might have been in the booking-office. But +the booking-office was deserted. + +"There can't possibly be a bank in this out-of-the-world place," she +protested. + +"Patience," I replied, leading her down a steep path between high thick +hedges to a small gateway. Through this we went, and I heard her draw in +her breath. + +From our feet, as it seemed, up to the blue sky itself, one golden +glowing bank of buttercups and cowslips... and cowslips. It was almost +like trying to gaze at the noonday sun. + +"There," I crowed, "you will be able to get all the gold you want. Did I +not say, 'I know a bank'?" + +She did a curious thing. She put her arms round my neck and kissed me. + +"Dear old Mr. Sententious," said she, "did you think you could take _me_ +in? I knew my _Midsummer Night's Dream_ by heart while you were still +discovering 'THE-HOG-IS-IN-THE-PIT'!" And she sang quite softly:-- + + "I know a bank where the wild thyme blows, + Where oxlips--" + +Though I was very angry at the way she had deceived me, I must admit +that her voice was not unpleasing. + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +The National Baby Week Council, which for many years has done admirable +work in promoting the Welfare of Infancy and Motherhood, is to hold its +annual "Week" from July 1st to 7th. Among other London celebrations a +Conference will be held at Kingsway Hall, under the Presidency of Dr. +ADDISON, on the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Applications for +admission (one guinea, to include proofs of papers to be read and a +copy of the Report; or ten shillings, without printed matter) should +be addressed to Miss HALFORD, Secretary, National Association for the +Prevention of Infant Mortality, 4 and 5 Tavistock Square, W.C.1. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REDRESS REHEARSAL. + +OUR MR. MONTAGU _(practising on dummy)._ "THE LATEST LINE IN WESTERN +HEAD-WEAR, SIR, AND, IF YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SAY SO, VERY BECOMING TO +YOU. THANK YOU, SIR, AND THE NEXT ARTICLE?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Son of the House (after being introduced to professor of +mathematics)._ "NOW WHAT SHALL I TALK TO YOU ABOUT?"] + + * * * * * + +A TANGLED TRIANGLE. + +The Pâtisserie Delarue et Salon de Consommations is situated just on the +edge of Europe. Being a place of extreme military importance I dare not +indicate its position with greater exactitude, but may go so far as to +say that it can be found by stepping off the boat, crossing the bridge +and then inquiring of the Military Police. Its importance is due to the +quality of its _crème éclairs_, which attract the gilded Staff in such +large numbers that the interior is usually suffused like an Eastern +sunset with a rich glow of red tabs and gilt braid. Within its walls +junior subalterns, now, alas, a rapidly diminishing species, dally +with insidious ices until their immature moustaches are pendulous with +lemon-flavoured icicles and their hair is whitened with sugared rime. + +There it was that Frederick discovered Percival feebly and mournfully +pecking at a vanilla ice. + +"Greeting, old Spartan," said he. "Training for the Murman coast?" + +"Would that I were!" replied Percival. "I'm refrigerating my sorrows. +I've tried to drown them, but they float; so I'm by way of freezing them +under." + +"Poor Perce!" murmured Frederick. "I suppose it's Cox again?" + +"_Au contraire_, I'm _his_ sorrow. My present trouble is that I've got +to find a wife." + +"Nothin' easier, old thing. Your photo in the illustrated papers, with +appropriate letterpress--" + +"You misunderstand me," interrupted Percival. "It's someone else's wife +I've got to find. _Écoutez_. Teddy Roker has got permission for his wife +to visit him out here. He's expecting her by this afternoon's boat and +has got a billet fixed up all right, but he's been suddenly rushed away +on a court-martial case, so he's asked me to meet her, and I've never +seen her before." + +"But didn't he give you the specifications--kind of descriptive return?" + +"That's just it!" groaned Percival. "He was only married last leave, and +his description goes like a Shakspearean sonnet. I gather that I've got +to look out for a combination of _Titania_, GLADYS COOPER and HELEN OF +TROY. I tried to nail him down to externals, but he only went off into +another rhapsody. + +"'What does she wear?' I asked. + +"'Wear?' said he dreamily. 'Oh! beautifully draped garments nebulous as +summer clouds and filmy as gossamer webs. Nothing really definite.' + +"'That sounds probable enough, as the present fashions go,'" said I. + +"Seems to me," said Frederick, "that this is a case to refer to higher +authority. The sleuth-hound instinct of one Frederick is indicated. +Having absorbed the available data I will e'en amble round myself to +assist you." + +"There speaks my stout-hearted haricot!" said Percival. "But be +careful. Teddy won't like it if he gets the wrong wife. He made a point +of that. So in case we miss each other your instructions are briefly +these: you will meet what you honestly think to be Mrs. Roker outside +the Customs House, explain Teddy's absence, take her to his rooms at 10 +_bis_, Rue Dufay, make her comfortable and report to me here at 6.15." + +Punctually at 6.15 they met again in the Pâtisserie Delarue. Both were +radiant. + +"'Tis done!" said Percival proudly; "and without the assistance of the +puissant Frederick. At 5.0 o'clock I was outside the Customs House and +saw her looking round with an anxious eye. 'Mrs. Roker, I believe?' said +I. She confessed right away, so I rattled her off in a cab to 10 _bis_, +Rue Dufay, and left her there nibblin' biscuits and drinkin' tea as +happy as a flapper." + +"Percival," replied Frederick slowly, "for sheer imbecility you have +surpassed yourself. I myself met Mrs. Roker outside the Customs House +at 5.30, being detained _en route_. I took her to 10 _bis_, Rue Dufay, +where at the present moment she is partaking of coffee and chocolate +caramels. Shortly, no doubt, she will discover the spurious female that +you have decoyed thither and the First Act of a triangle drama will be +rung up." + +"By Jazz," exclaimed Percival, "I'd stake my gratuity on the genuineness +of my Mrs. Roker. She knows Teddy's favourite breakfast food." + +"No," said Frederick decidedly, "mine is the only authentic article. All +others are imitations. She knows dearest Edward's size in gloves." + +"Well, we can't both be right." + +"Did Teddy say anything about expecting _two_ wives?" asked Frederick +hopefully. + +"Idiot!" said Percival. "As I see the situation, one of us--presumably +you--will presently be the central figure in a court-martial or police +court on a charge of abducting an innocent female. The remaining reels +in the film will be devoted to Teddy chasing you with a 5·9 howitzer +for jeopardizing his connubial happiness. But these unhappy concluding +incidents may be averted if you return the wrongful lady to her rightful +owner before Teddy gets back. So we'll take the necessary action +immediately." + +"But which one are we going to discard if they both claim to be the +genuine Mrs. R.? Hadn't we better wait for Teddy? He'd be almost sure to +be able to decide." + +"You make me tired. It's got to be settled before he comes back." + +It was a brace of dejected subalterns that wended their way to 10 _bis_, +Rue Dufay. Percival knocked at the door of the drawing-room and in +response to an invitation they entered. A pretty and extremely composed +young lady greeted them. + +"_My_ wife!" said Percival and Frederick simultaneously. + +"Excuse me," said the lady with dignity; "the only husband I possess at +present is Mr. Roker." + +"What I mean to say is," explained Percival lamely, "that you are the +wife of Mr. Roker that I met at the Customs--I mean, Mr. Roker's wife +that--" + +"Me too!" broke in Frederick. + +"Well, that's easily explained," said the lady, addressing Percival. +"After you had kindly escorted me here I suddenly remembered that I had +left my keys at the Customs House. Feeling confident of finding my way +about I returned for them. On emerging I was claimed by your fascinating +friend who is at this moment engaged in winding up his monocle +[Frederick guiltily stowed it away in his fob pocket]. He seemed so +delighted at having discovered me that I hadn't the heart to explain +that I'd been found before. Of course I'm excessively grateful to both +of you--Oh, here's dear old Teddy at last!" + +During the scene of rapturous greeting that followed Frederick showed +that he indeed had his moments of inspiration. + +"What about a vanilla ice at the Pâtisserie Delarue, old bean?" said he +to Percival. + +And, unnoticed by the happy couple, they stole silently away. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady who has been handed the card of wife of new +baronet-profiteer)._ "ER--LET ME SEE. DO I KNOW LADY HOGGINS?" + +_Butler_. "YOUR LADYSHIP HAS NOT RECEIVED HER SINCE THE CREATION."] + + * * * * * + + "Surplus Government Property for sale:--Brass Islets."--_Disposal + Board "Surplus" Magazine_. + +But why is the geographical position of this alluring archipelago not +given? Is it for enemy reasons? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORCE OF HABIT--THE SCRUM HALF.] + + * * * * * + +THE NEED OF OUR TIMES. + + ["The modern world is badly in need of a Pindar. Alone of the poets, + Pindar could do justice to the exploits of the day."--_The Times._] + + "We're badly in need of a Pindar" + To fan in these tropical days + Our stock of emotional tinder + With gusts of tempestuous praise; + To foster the flame, not to check it + Or let it die suddenly down, + In honour of HAWKER and BECKETT, + Of ALCOCK and BROWN. + + We do not require a CATULLUS + (We've MASEFIELD and WAUGH and SASSOON) + Nor pastoral pipers to lull us + To rest with a sedative tune; + But the worship of beer and of Bacchus + In verses familiar and free + Might win for a latter-day FLACCUS + A Knighthood (B.E.). + + Bland VIRGIL'S beyond resurrection; + The voice of the moment is harsh; + The nightingale's golden perfection + Offends the young ravens of MARSH; + ARISTOPHANES, grossly facetious, + Is but a "compulsory" god, + And HOMER as well as LUCRETIUS + Too frequently nod. + + There's scope for the truculent passion + Of JUVENAL'S masculine muse + To flagellate folly and fashion + In dress and in manners and views; + But we've plenty of prophets and poets; + We've few who are sober and sane; + We don't want another DE BLOWITZ; + We want a DELANE. + + * * * * * + + "BETTER BEER ON THE HORIZON." + + _Daily Express_. + +A beer in the hand is worth ten on the horizon. + + * * * * * + +A TUBE NIGHTMARE. + +Have you ever dreamed a dream of a terrible tube journey, in which every +one of the appalling things which might happen does actually occur? I +dreamed one last night. + +The journey began with a disaster. On reaching the booking-office window +I could not find any money, and it was only when the waiting crowd +behind me, which had mounted to hundreds, was becoming offensively +hostile that I succeeded in producing a five-pound note. + +The booking-clerk took her own time to count out the change, and on +leaving the window I found four policemen struggling to keep back an +infuriated mob of people, all shrieking imprecations and asking for my +blood. + +There was but one thing for it--to get to a train before this angry +horde could secure its tickets; so I made a wild dash for the +moving-staircase, shedding Bradburys _en route_ like a paper-chase. + +As I rushed past the ticket-puncher she made a vicious lunge at my +out-stretched hand with an enormous pair of pincers, missing the ticket +and partially amputating my thumb. + +As I have always expected to do, but have never yet done, I missed +my footing at the top of the escalator, and my desire to outstrip my +enemies was realised beyond my wildest hopes as I crashed, by a series +of petrifying somersaults, down the entire flight, to be belched forth +like a sausage from a machine at the bottom. + +Tattered, torn and in unspeakable agony I picked myself up and found my +steering-gear so damaged that I could only move sideways, crab-fashion, +and in this manner I crawled on to the platform just as a train was +beginning its exit. + +I make a leap for it. The gates crash to! Am I inside them or out? +Neither. I am pinned there with the first half of my body struggling +inside the car while the second half protrudes over the fast-receding +platform. + +I remember how in my agony it flashed across my mind that I would never +again slay a wasp with my fork. + +I must have been pulled into the car just in time to stop the tunnel +(which is a dreadfully close fit) from bisecting me, for the next thing +I remember was being dropped into a corner seat and severely admonished +by the guard for getting into the train whilst it was in motion. + +I was now a quivering and shapeless mass; nobody pitied me, nobody +helped me, so loathsome a spectacle did I present. + +Of course the train passed my station, and at the next I was thrown out +like a mail-bag, to be trodden on by massed formations of travellers +fighting to enter and leave the car by the same door at the same time. + +When the multitudes had dispersed and I was alone, by superhuman efforts +I contrived to wriggle on my stomach to the foot of the ascending +stairway, but not having sufficient strength to wriggle off on arrival +at the top, my long-dreaded horror of being sucked under the barrier, +where moving stairways disappear, was realised. + +By now immune to pain, I regarded the next process (akin to being passed +through a mangle) as child's play. To my amazement, after a few minutes +amongst giant cog-wheels, I again found the light on the down-going +staircase, which precipitated me to the spot from which I had started. + +Having thrice performed this revolution, by which time I was as flat as +a pancake, I was eventually scraped off by a porter and upbraided for +joy-riding. + +Finding that those rebukes left me unmoved, for I was practically +lifeless, certainly boneless, and, to their horror, ticketless, they +folded me up and put me in a drawer pending the arrival of the police. + +I was still there when the dream mercifully stopped. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Cyclist_. "WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU DRIVE ON THE +PROPER SIDE OF THE ROAD?"] + + * * * * * + +BIRD-LORE. + +II.--PEACOCKS. + + Peacocks sweep the fairies' rooms; + They use their folded tails for brooms; + But fairy dust is brighter far + Than any mortal colours are; + And all about their tails it clings + In strange designs of rounds and rings; + And that is why they strut about + And proudly spread their feathers out. + + R.F. + * * * * * + + "Wanted.--Good stage electrician. No good stage electrician."--_The + Stage_. + +There ought to be no difficulty in finding the latter. + + * * * * * + +CROSS COUNTRY. + +A Commander in the Senior Service is the man who gets things done; and +long experience has formulated for him a golden rule: "If you want to +get things done you must _see_ them done." This laudable maxim +applies in a lesser degree to all his subordinates, right down to the +newly-joined boy, who can't very well help seeing _some_ things done, +unless he makes a habit of working with his eyes shut--a practice which +does not appeal particularly to P.O.'s. + +The Commander of His Majesty's Battleship _Ermyntrude_ is far from being +an exception to the rule; he is a martyr to it. So are his officers. In +their enthusiasm they have let the rule run riot. You will soon see that +for yourself. + +The idea germinated in the practical head of the gunner. It pushed its +way into the upper air under the plain cap of the A.P. It budded under +the (slighted tilted) head-dress of Number One, and blossomed forth into +a full-blown project under the gilded oak-leaves that thatch the Bloke. + +He said, "The ship's company will run across country." + +The ship's company girded up its loins and awaited further orders. + +The course was decided upon. It ran from the signalling station on the +south of the island straight to the town on the north. There was no +possibility of making a mistake, because you could see the semaphore +from anywhere, and you would know when you got to the town because the +road stopped there. The various divisions of the ship were to compete +against each other. If you came in first you were to be given a ticket +numbered "one"; if second, a ticket numbered "two," and so on; and the +division which had the smallest total of pips at the end would be the +winner. + +At 8.15 the ship's pinnace landed the gunner on the town jetty at the +north end of the island. He had come to deal with the competitors when +they arrived at the winning-post. He had brought with him the bo'sun and +the carpenter, his own mate, the bo'sun's mate and the carpenter's +mate, four P.O.'s, the sergeant of Marines, a few leading stokers and +half-a-dozen hands; fifty fathoms of hawser-laid four-inch white rope; +six stout stakes (ash); bags, canvas, twelve (one to collect the tickets +earned by each division); and one thousand eight hundred tickets, +numbered from one to one thousand eight hundred. (There were only six +hundred and fifty runners, but it is well to be on the safe side.) + +He dug his stakes into the ground in a V-shaped formation just beyond +the place where the road ended and almost opposite the first cottage. +Further north he posted his canvas bags, which he fixed at a convenient +height above the ground by depending them from the necks of his +subordinates. He then rigged his rope around the stakes in such a way +that the runners, entering the wide end of the V, would be shepherded +one by one through a narrow aperture at the bottom, thus avoiding all +suspicion of overcrowding in giving out the tickets. He explained his +plan of campaign to his party and took up his post at the foot of the V. + +Scarcely had he done so when the A.P. appeared upon the scene. He had +brought with him a few friends--a couple of subs, two or three senior +snotties and the Captain's secretary, a brace of stewards with the +luncheon baskets, and the cutter's crew, who carried between them two +large trellis-work screens which the carpenter had knocked up for him. + +He passed the time of day with the gunner, marched fifty yards further +down towards the starting-point and had his screens deposited in the +middle of the road, in such a way that several could enter one end of +the enclosure they formed, but only one at a time could go out at the +other; this, he explained, would enable the men to pass the winning-post +in single file. He then lit a cigarette and took his stand at the narrow +end, producing from his pocket seven hundred and fifty neat red tickets +(numbered from one to seven hundred and fifty) which the chief writer +had made out for him the night before. + +At 8.45 Number One arrived. To help him he had brought a couple of +watch-keepers, a surgeon, three engineers, a naval instructor and the +captain of Marines. He only paused to borrow one side of the gunner's V +and all but forty of the A.P.'s tickets, and passed on down the road. +When he had reached a suitable point about a hundred yards south of the +A.P. he had the purloined rope stretched slantwise, in such a way that +the only means of passing it was a little passage a yard wide between +the rope and the ditch on the right of the road. A little nearer still +to the starting-point he had a large placard erected with the words +"Keep to the Right" painted on it. + +Punctually at 9.0 the Commander arrived with a piece of string and the +P.M.O. They took up their stand one on each side of the road opposite +the placard. The Bloke produced a small gold pencil, but, as he had +forgotten to bring any paper, he commandeered the placard and began +feverishly to write down all the numbers he could think of from one to +six hundred and fifty. + +You are no doubt anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Owner at 9.15. +Well, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. Still, although he did not come +in person, yet he made his presence felt, as every good skipper should. +At 9.15, as the ship's company were lining up for the start by the +semaphore, he made the signal from the ship:-- + +"Sailing at 13.30. Return immediately." + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF SIMLA. + +V.--PELITI'S. + + I troll you no song that will hinder you long, + I pen you no ponderous treatise, + The theme that I sing is a gossamer thing + As light as the cakes at PELITI'S. + + Grey roofs mid the pines and a heaven that shines + As blue as the water where Crete is, + The malachite green of a misty ravine, + That's the balcony view at PELITI'S. + + There are mortals, may be, who abominate tea + (One's poison another man's meat is), + Who shy at the touch of a crumpet--for such + There is music and love at PELITI'S. + + See that G.S.O.2 with the lady in blue; + Has she noticed where one of his feet is, + Or the issue that hangs on the plate of meringues + Which he buys her each day at PELITI'S? + + Here the rulers of Ind, from the Salween to Sind, + Take their ices and wafers (MCVITIE'S) + And elaborate schemes over chocolate creams + At five-o'clock tea at PELITI'S. + + And I think, when we die and the wraiths of us fly + To that peace which depends not on treaties, + The joys which we find will but serve to remind + Of the hours that we spent at PELITI'S. + + J.M.S. + + * * * * * + + "Thomas ---- was fined £5 £at £Oswestry yesterday for selling goods + to a German prisoner. + + The chairman said defendant had sold goods to the value of 11s, + 1-1/2d. Where the German had got that large sum of money from was + quite a mystery."--_Daily Paper_. + +It seems pretty evident from the report that there was a good deal of +money about somewhere. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I'M TOLD SHE'S ALWAYS WRITING TO HER DRESSMAKER ABOUT +NEW FROCKS." + +"I SUPPOSE SHE ENCLOSED A STAMPED AND ADDRESSED ENVELOPE FOR THAT ONE."] + + * * * * * + +A CRUSADER. + +One hears sometimes of pure altruists, but on analysing their purity an +alloy is perceptible. Although their work is for others, an element of +personal gratification is present. + +Personal gratification or self-indulgence is of course inevitable; as it +can even enter into grief and pain; but now and then it is reduced to a +minimum: as, I hold, in the latest activities for her fellow-creatures +in which my friend Mrs. Delta has embarked. + +During the War Mrs. Delta was indefatigable (I am not often sure of +my words, but I use this without a tremor of misgiving) in promoting +charities and collecting money to sustain them. At no time of day was +it safe to meet her, for you had to stand and deliver. There were no +privations due to the War which she was not out to mollify or remove, +and her ingenuity in discovering worthy objects was uncanny. + +As, however, War was raging and most people are, underneath, kinder than +not, she escaped very severe criticism and amassed some good round +sums. And, since all her various Funds had committees and meetings and +minutes, Mrs. Delta, although that may have been only the least among +her motives, was the recipient of certain expressions of gratitude. +Organised charity cannot elude votes of thanks. + +But that Mrs. Delta likes work for work's sake, apart altogether from +honeyed praises, is now beyond question, for the campaign she has just +inaugurated is unlikely to yield them. + +"You must," she said to me yesterday, "give me something for my new +scheme." + +"I hope I shall have enough strength of mind not to; but what is it?" + +"You have noticed in what a dreadful state so many of the shop windows +in London now are?" she asked. + +"The iniquitous prices of the goods?" + +"Oh, no; I didn't mean that. I mean the dropped letters. Where they have +glass letters stuck on, you know, and some have gone. Surely you must +have noticed?" + +"Yes, of course," I replied; "but I thought the shop-keepers were too +lazy or careless to bother. The War has increased carelessness, you +know." + +"No, it isn't that," she said. "The poor fellows are so understaffed and +overworked that they can't find time. My idea is to raise a fund so +that it can be done for them. My heart aches. Only this morning I saw a +barber's with ASH AND RUSH UP on it; and a confectioner's"--she referred +to her notebook--"with ICE REAMS, and an undertaker's with PINKING ONE + ERE." + +"What is pinking?" I asked. "I always wanted to know." + +"And," she continued, again consulting her book, "a tobacconist's with +BEST OLDEN VIRGIN , and a dentist's with PA LESS EXTRACTION. Something +really must be done. Don't you agree?" + +I murmured that there were other abuses that were possibly more in need +of immediate redress, but Mrs. Delta again turned to her book. + +"And a dairyman with FAMILIES UP LIE , and a stationer's with LUE LACK +INK. Isn't it distressing?--and so bad for growing children to see so +much slovenliness. And what can foreigners think of us? The Americans, +for instance, who are always so spick and span, and--" + +The means of rescue came to me in the shape, of a vast monster on +wheels, bright with yellow and scarlet, thundering over the road. +"That's my bus," I said, and ran. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father (to troublesome small boy_). "NOW LOOK HERE, +TONY. I SHAN'T WARN YOU AGAIN. THE VERY _NEXT_ TIME YOU MISBEHAVE YOU +GO _STRAIGHT_ UPSTAIRS TO BED." + +_Small Sister_. "AND THAT'S _THAT_. ISN'T IT, DADDY?"] + + * * * * * + +THOSE DRESSES. + +_(Being a Midsummer Night's Dream, or thereabouts.)_ + + More gay than day and plumier + Than Birds of Paradise, + It was no Court Costumier + That made them look so nice; + No milliners nor drapers + On mortal business terms + Of those sweet modes were shapers, + Though several evening papers + Mention the actual firms. + + But fairies wove that raiment + Of starshine and of flowers; + They asked no better payment, + They craved no shorter hours; + With eglantine and lilies + They worked a June night long, + And that is just where "Phyllis" + In "Ascot frocks and frillies" + Goes absolutely wrong. + + 'Neath beech-tree and 'neath cedar, + In rings of moonlit green.... + What bilge, you say, good reader? + My very dear old bean, + Think of the state of Prices, + Think of the slump in Trade, + Turn to the Paris Crisis, + Ponder the cost of ices + And buns and gingerade. + + New War-loans shriek for money; + All work is at an end; + It seems extremely funny + There's any cash to spend; + Yet still the tide of laces, + The foam of fluff and silk + Comes round in cardboard cases + To lots of people's places + As punctual as the milk. + + While, sworn to get revenge in, + And waiting at the door, + That grim three-handed engine + Prepares to strike once more, + Who built these gowns we mutely + Admire on lawn and lea? + Who bought them (think acutely), + With England absolutely + As broke as she can be? + + Therefore I say the fabric + Was wrought of faery woof, + Not made in walls of drab brick + Nor won with mortal oof; + Delicate, dream-like, pretty + As sunshine after rain, + Worn by Miss Hodgson ("Kitty")-- + It seems a dreadful pity + She spilled the iced champagne. + + Therefore I say that, toiling + With wild white roses' bloom-- + No printers' vats a-boiling + Nor labour of the loom-- + With fern and foxglove chalice + On tiny feet or wings + Titania's elves made sallies, + And that's how Lady Alice + Had on those lovely things. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +A HAPPY THOUGHT. + + "When the blessing had been pronounced and the bridal pair were + kneeling at the altar Dame Nellie Melba, wearing a blue dress and + hat, crept from the side chapel to the choir and to the joy of the + audience sang the pathetic 'Ave Maria' that Desdemona sings in the + last act of Verdi's _Othello_ when she feels her predestined doom + approaching."--"_Evening Standard" on a Society wedding_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Bottomley objects to By Jingo." + + _Daily Paper_. + +Yet in one or another of his "powerful" articles we seem to have seen +something like "Damn the Kaiser" and "To Hell with Hindenburg." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PHILANDERER. + +SINN FEIN. "BE MINE." + +PRESIDENT WILSON. "I DO HOPE I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU TOO MUCH +ENCOURAGEMENT--BUT I CAN NEVER BE MORE THAN A BROTHER TO YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Australian_. "'OO's YER SWELL PAL, +DIGGER?" + +_Second Ditto_. "I DUNNO HIS NAME, BUT I REMEMBER HIS FACE. I GIVE HIM A +BIT OF BACON JUST OUTSIDE ST. QUENTIN."] + + * * * * * + +WHY DRAG IN MRS. SIDDONS? + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Nothing annoys me more than the assumption that +wit, learning, fancy, etc., were the monopoly of the past. For +example, a correspondent of one of our leading dailies has +been trotting out Mrs. SIDDONS' use of blank verse in familiar +conversation, and quoting from LOCKHART:-- + +"John Kemble's most familiar table-talk often flowed into blank +verse; and so indeed did his sister's [Mrs. Siddons']. Scott (who +was a capital mimic) often repeated her tragic exclamation to a +foot-boy during a dinner at Ashestiel-- + + 'You 've brought me water, boy,--I asked for beer!' + +Another time, dining with a Provost of Edinburgh, she ejaculated, in +answer to her host's apology for his _pièce de résistance_-- + + 'Beef cannot be too salt for me, my lord.'" + +This is all very well, but just as good blank verse is commonly used by +eminent men and women to-day; indeed some of them excel in impromptu +rhymes. Thus in Mr. HAROLD WESTMORELAND'S interesting volume, +_Eavesdroppings_, there is this charming story of the first meeting +of Madame CLARA BUTT and Miss CARRIE TUBB. They were introduced at a +garden-party at Fulham, and Mr. WESTMORELAND overheard the memorable +quatrain in which Madame CLARA BUTT greeted her sister-artist:-- + + "In our names we 're alike + But in minstrelsy--ah no! + For I'm a contralto + And you're a soprano." + +To the same veracious chronicler I am indebted for a specimen of the +impromptus which Lord READING frequently throws off, to the delight of +his friends. Mr. WESTMORELAND was having a pair of boots tried on at +a famous Jermyn Street bootmaker's when Lord BEADING was undergoing a +similar ordeal, and electrified the courteous assistant by observing:-- + + "The right-foot boot to me seems rather tight; + The left, _per contra_, feels exactly right." + +But perhaps the finest exponent of the art is a famous General, whose +_obiter dicta_ in verse are innumerable. I have only space to quote one, +spoken to a soldier with whom he had shaken hands:-- + + "You are the proudest man in France, + Or at any rate in Flanders, + For you've shaken hands, in a great advance, + With the greatest of Corps Commanders." + +Surely in the light of these examples, which might be indefinitely +multiplied, there is no need for the present to fear comparison with the +past in the sphere of conversational verse? + +I am, dear Mr. Punch, + +Yours faithfully, + +NOSTRI TEMPORIS LAUDATOR. + + * * * * * + +CULTURE IN THE STY. + + "Yorkshire Pork Pies, possessing character and individuality, 5 lb. + Price, 15s.--_Daily Express_. + + * * * * * + + "COLUMBUS OF THE AIR. + + Captain Alcock's Story of his Great Atlantic Flight."--_Dublin + Evening Telegraph_. + +Would not Vimy-bus be better? + + * * * * * + +Slough Verdict: _Dulce est de-Cippenham in loco_. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE CINDERELLA MAN." + +The importation of theatrical sweet-stuff from America is of course a +growing industry. The latest consignment, _The Cinderella Man_, first +arrived in this country in the form of a novel, and the difficulty it +offered was that the struggling hero, _Anthony Quintard_, whose fate +depended, in the absence of common-sense, on his winning a ten thousand +dollar prize for an opera libretto, seemed to me, from samples of his +work exhibited, to be an unlikely competitor. But I must say that when +at the play I saw our Mr. NARES in his garret sucking at his pipe in +that masterful manner and modifying what might so easily have been a too +sticky situation with a charmingly light touch, I began to think better +of _Anthony's_ chances and therefore necessarily of Mr. EDWARD CHILDS +CARPENTER'S general idea. For the author obviously may claim the credit +of this reading, even if I harbour an obstinate private suspicion that +it was only by a very deliberate and steadfast determination on the +part of Mr. NARES as hero and Mr. HOLMAN CLARK as matchmaker that this +particular reading prevailed. + +Mr. CARPENTER doesn't believe in mystifications. He explains everything +with the completest candour in his first Act, from which you gather that +a millionaire's daughter, returning from Paris to the immense stuffy New +York mansion, is desperately lonely, and has also cut herself free from +an unsatisfactory affair of the heart; that a young poet, a friend +of the millionaire's sentimental lawyer, is also lonely, living like +_Cinderella_ (isn't this wrong?) in an attic next-door, proud as poor; +that another friend of the millionaire has offered a prize for a +libretto. Having thus put the rabbit, the bird-cage and the flowerpot +into the hat in front of you he proceeds in a leisurely manner to take +them out again. + +The young millionairess, posing as a poor "companion," visits the +starveling poet _viâ_ the snow-covered roof and the attic window, +bringing food, stoves, coverlets, wool to mend his socks and ideas to +mend his opera. Naturally here were opportunities of unlimited business, +during which _Marjorie_ (Miss RENÉE KELLY) looked perfectly sweet, as I +heard more than one ardent young lady declare to approving lieutenants. + +Miss KELLY has indeed all the air of a heroine of honeyed romance. In +particular she played one episode, the trying over of a new song, in +a winningly natural manner. I found the way in which she flapped her +eyelids a subject of puzzled study. I have not observed that maidens in +real life indulge in these calisthenics. This is perhaps as well; they +are evidently very deadly. Within a fortnight of their being brought +into action poet _Quintard_ is in the _Kamerad_ stage. Not _Anne +Whitfield_ herself exhibits more explicitly the urgency of the life +force, the will to wed. + +Mr. OWEN NARES, who has a following more than sufficient to justify his +recent assumption of management, gave a very attractive and indeed, +within the limits imposed by the piece, a distinguished performance +as the proud and hungry poet. An extreme naturalness of pose and +intonation, without over-stresses or affectations, characterised this +agreeable study. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, that finished actor in the bland +manner, very adroitly, as I have hinted, settled the mood of the piece +and made the good appear the better line and the ordinary line good. Mr. +SYDNEY VALENTINE had a Valentine part ready made. It would take more +than an indisposition, which he pluckily ignored, to put him off his +stroke. Mr. TOM REYNOLDS was effective as a maudlin serving-man who +had once butled a real gentleman and could never forget it. Miss ANNIE +ESMOND gave a depressingly clever rendering of a quite unbelievably +appalling landlady. + +[Illustration: A Fairy Godmother (Miss RENÉE KELLY) reduced to tears by +the unsusceptibility of her Godchild (MR. OWEN NARES).] + +Altogether a pleasant wholesome evening's entertainment. Young men and +maidens of our day needn't hesitate to take their parents. + + +"ST. GEORGE AND THE DRAGONS." + +There is much more of the substance of wit and truth in Mr. EDEN +PHILLPOTTS' "Devon comedy" at the Kingsway. The _St. George_ of the +title is not the Cappadocian, but that somewhat irreverent Father in +God, _St. George Loftus_, Bishop of Exeter; the dragons are two quite +unsuitable suitors for the hands of _Monica_ and _Eva_ (daughters of +his dull old friend, _Lord Sampford_), who don't believe in class +distinctions. _Monica's_ young man is the son of a yeoman farmer, +personable, certainly, on horseback and of a blood older than the +_Sampfords'_, but an essential resilient, and altogether impossible when +playing the concertina or after mixing his drinks (or both). _Eva's_ +follower is a brilliant raw young man from Glasgow, recently ordained, +with professional ambitions as pronounced as his accent. + +The parents try the now exploded method of direct opposition. _St. +George's_ weapons are smooth words and a heart chokefull of guile. Does +his god-daughter _Monica_ want to elope with her yeoman? By all means +let love have his sacred way. But his lordship will contrive in the +_rôle_ of a strayed and bogged fisherman to be at Stonelands Farm before +the young couple arrive _en route_ for London and the registry-office, +and he will see to it that _Monica_ learns what the daily life of a +working farmer is like, and what the beer (or bad champagne for festal +occasions) and rabbit pie in the kitchen; with sudden frank explanations +as to the imminence of the crisis in the interesting condition of +_Snowdrop_ the Alderney; what, too, is the Stonelands' notion of music +and the dance, with Teddy's braying concertina and cousin Unity's +quavering treble and the ragged bass and candid speech of old _Caunter_, +the head man.... So much for _Monica_. + +And _Eva_ thinks she wants to tie herself to this crude Glaswegian. +Well, here it will be best to insinuate to the young man how unfortunate +it is that the vacant chaplaincy to the Bishop of Exeter is designed +for a celibate, and to the young woman that to marry so brilliant (and +ingenuous) a youth is to hang a millstone round his neck. For, after +all, muses the prelate, revealing dreadful depths of low cunning and +perfidy, it's easier to change a chaplain than a husband. + +A thoroughly amusing affair. Of course Mr. PHILLPOTTS shirks his +problem, _Teddy Copplestone_ need not have been a bounder (the odds +indeed were against it), nor need his cigars, his champagne or his music +have been so bad. But then we should have missed a diverting piece of +fun and have been saddled with a solemn problem-play unsuited to the +(alleged) gaiety of the hour. + +The general level of the playing was high, and, after a somewhat nervous +opening (and perhaps just a few affectations of the fourth-wall school), +the piece swung into a pleasant rhythm. + +Mr. ERNEST THESIGER interprets with consummate ability Mr. PHILLPOTTS' +amusing and original creation, this puss-in-gaiters Machiavelli, _St. +George Exon_. Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY (_Monica_), in the familiar _rôle_ of +beauty in revolt, had an easy task, which she fulfilled very agreeably. +Miss ALBANESI (_Eva_) put brains and fire and (not at all a negligible +gift of the gods) precise enunciation into her work. Mr. FEWLASS +LLEWELLYN and Miss MARY BROUGH were quite delightful as old +_Copplestone_ and his wife. Mr. CLAUDE KING as _Teddy Copplestone_ had +perhaps the most difficult task, a part that by no means played itself, +but needed a sustained skill, duly forthcoming. But I think the +performance that pleased me most was that of Miss EVELYN WALSH HALL, a +name new to me, in the small part of _Unity Copplestone_, played with a +directness and sincerity which was quite distinguished. + +Let me add that the flapping of eyelids (to which I have referred in my +remarks on _The Cinderella Man_) is here also a feature. One member +of the cast (of my own sex, too) gave a display of virtuosity in this +_genre_ which was technically superb. + +Two insignificant details of management caused me some amusement. +The solemn clang of a gong presaging doom as dire as OEDIPUS'S (and +incidentally inaudible to cigarette smokers in the foyer) gives notice +of the resumption of the play, while at the end of the Acts the curtain +flutters up and down at a feverish pace as if the idea was to get in as +many "calls" as possible before the applause stops. Are we as guileless +as all that, I wonder? And, anyway, no such manoeuvre was necessary. The +applause was hearty, the laughter spontaneous, and anybody who cares for +plays made and played with brains should go and see this engaging piece. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Taxi-driver._ "WHERE ARE WE ALL OFF TO?"] + + * * * * * + +THE SPREAD OF DEMOCRACY. + + "The Earl of Loudoun, whose English seat it is, possesses eight + jeerages."--_Field_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "'Honour among thieves' is an old saying, but the pickpocket who + stole Lieut.-Commander Grieve's watch during his reception was an + exception to the rule."--_Illustrated Leicester Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + +A correspondent asks us if there is any truth in the statement that +Peace will be signed in time for the Peace Celebrations. At the moment +of going to press it is still doubtful. + + * * * * * + + "NOTE.--The Swan used in this Production is supplied by the + well-known firm of Messrs. Swan and Edgar, Piccadilly Circus, + London."--_Programme of Shakespeare Theatre, Liverpool_. + +We understand that the business is in the charge of Mr. EDGAR during his +partner's absence. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_Jinny the Carrier_ (HEINEMANN) was, as Mr. ZANGWILL lets us know in a +felicitous epistle-dedicatory to an evidently charming lady, designed as +a "bland" and leisurely book, free from any trace of war's horrors or +modern perplexities, the sort you could read comfortably with a sore +throat on you. I think if I had not been in such rude health I might +have managed the five hundred and eighty odd close-set pages without +getting just a little tired of his worthy Essex peasants of the time of +the great Hyde Park Exhibition. _Jinny_ herself is a perfect darling, of +real wit and character, and her business as the local carrier gives a +plausible machinery for the introduction of an enormous number, a truly +Dickensian profusion, of subsidiary characters. _Jinny_ indeed is above +criticism, but the trouble with many, indeed with most, of the others, +seemed to me to be their exaggerated sprightliness of speech, just a +little too clever to be credible and not quite amusing enough to be +palatable in large doses. To me the real pleasure of the book comes from +the author's craftsmanlike use of words and the humour and imagination +of his descriptions and asides. But if I may be humbly candid beyond the +custom of my trade I must confess to an uncomfortable impression +that sounder qualities in the reviewer would have discovered greater +qualities in the work. + + * * * * * + +I rather suspect Mrs. GERTRUDE ATHERTON of having written _The +Avalanche_ (MURRAY) either for the amusement of exercise in an +unfamiliar medium, or, well, for any motive that might explain a +production certainly not quite up to her own standard. Its publishers +(who may be prejudiced) consider _The Avalanche_ as "a brilliant and +engaging study of mystery and romance;" me it impressed as a melodrama +dependent on one long-heralded sensation, which proves on tardy arrival +an affair of disappointment. I suppose I must be careful not to give +away the mystery, such as it is. _Price Rugler_ was anxious to discover +why his attractive wife assumed a worried look when money was mentioned +and fainted on being told that she was not to wear the family ruby at a +particular masque. All this happened (you may not be astonished to hear) +in San Francisco, amongst that luxurious, idle, over-moneyed society +whose manners Mrs. ATHERTON knows and describes so well. _Price_ had +already found out, with the assistance of a not too brilliant detective, +that his wife's mother derived her income from a gambling saloon; +the remaining problem was how to link up this knowledge with the odd +behaviour of _Mrs. Price_. Perhaps you see it already. She had been--No, +I said I wouldn't, and I won't. Of course the discovery couldn't be +called cheerful, though it was fortunately made in time to prevent any +great harm. But it was nothing like an avalanche. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORY. + +INCONSIDERATE FLAPPER WAYLAYS KING JOHN ON HIS RETURN FROM SIGNING MAGNA +CARTA AT RUNNYMEDE.] + + * * * * * + +It is much harder, I am afraid, to be a good Bengali than a good +Englishman. _Nikhil_, the Rajah of Sir RABINDRANATH TAGORE'S _The Home +and the World_ (MACMILLAN), persists in treating _Sandip Babu_ (a +convinced Nietzchean in philosophy and a Nationalist of the most +inflammable type) as an honoured guest of his household, in spite of the +fact that he differs from the fellow profoundly on every conceivable +topic and is well aware, moreover, that _Sandip_ is rapidly winning the +heart of his Rani, _Bimala_. _Nikhil_, you see, considers that "all +imposition of force is weakness," and that "only the weak dare not be +just." Most Westerners, I think, would have kicked the rhapsodical and +rather plausible agitator out-of-doors and felt all the better for it +from the boot-toe upwards. The real truth is that the story, which is +written in the form of a triple autobiography (_Nikhil, Sandip_ and +_Bimala_ all taking a hand at telling it in turn) is an exposition of +two views of Suadeshi, or what may be called the Sinn Fein movement in +India. _Nikhil_ is the apostle of "self-realisation" as a moral force; +_Sandip_ believes in grabbing whatever you can. The latter first deifies +his country (_Bande Mataram,_ or "Hail, Mother!" is the Nationalist +motto) and then identifies _Bimala_ with the object of his worship, +which seems a very convenient theory. As for _Bimala_, she wavers +between the two. The romantic interest of the book (which is, by the +way, a translation) breaks down rather badly when it becomes clear that +_Sandip_ is not really a big enough man to make a complete conquest +of the Rani; but from every other point of view it is supremely +interesting. And if _Nikhil_ might perhaps have been improved by a +little less force of character and more of shoe-leather, _Bimala_, at +any rate, is a delightful personage. + + * * * * * + +Even "KATHARINE TYNAN" must sometimes fall below her own standard, and +_The Man from Australia_ (COLLINS), though written with considerable +grace and charm, is too thin in plot to be altogether satisfactory. +_John Darling_, a youngish man of wealth and an extremely liberal +disposition, came from Australia to visit his connexions in the West of +Ireland and--if opportunities occurred--to help them. Opportunities did +offer themselves in abundance. The _Adairs_ in their various ways were +ripe for a benefactor of the _Darling_ type to appear, and _John_ soon +got busy. In the course of his activities--for it would have been unkind +(and very dull) to bring him all the way from Australia to Ireland just +to serve as a travelling relief-fund--he is made to fall in love with +one of the _Adair_ girls. And that's almost the whole story. One may +always trust Mrs. HINKSON to get her atmosphere right; but she is not so +happy in her attempt to contrast the preternaturally unselfish _Darling_ +who, like an earlier _Mr. Darling_, would have been content to live in a +kennel) with the inordinately self-indulgent father of the _Adairs_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EPILOGUE] + +THE NEW ORDER OF THINGS. + +"I assume," said the Cynic, "that you are sufficiently sanguine to +rejoice in the prospects of Peace." + +"I derive a certain satisfaction from those prospects," replied Mr. +Punch on a note of reserve. + +"But you ought to be jazzing for joy, like the other fools in their +Paradise of nigger minstrelsy." + +"My years excuse me from choric exercises," said the Sage. "And, anyhow, +it doesn't take me that way." + +"Then you are not in the movement. You are not in touch with the +spiritual pulse of our throbbing Metropolis; you take no active part in +the New Life that is springing from the seed of England's sacrifices. +True, your years, as you say, are against you, however well you wear +them: it is to the young that we look first for signs of the great +Regeneration. And in particular we look to those who are to be the +mothers of that future race which should reap the full harvest of our +blood and tears. + +"And what do we find?" continued the Cynic. "We find a contempt for the +old virtues of simplicity and reticence; we find the distinction of sex +wiped out, and with it all reverence and sense of mystery. Nature is a +back number with them; they must for ever be plastering their noses +with powder--not just privily, as used to be the better way of faded +charmers, but shamelessly in public places. In dress they barely keep +within the bounds of decency prescribed by the police. They make their +own advances, rounding up and capturing their 'boys' for partners, +lest the haunts of jazzery should be closed against them. And in this +competition for their favours the good modest fellows who only a little +while ago were fighting our battles for us are now giving themselves the +airs of spoilt beauties. What do you make of all this in your scheme of +Renaissance?" + +"I admit much of what you say," said Mr. Punch, "but I ascribe it, in +part at least, to a natural reaction from the strain and horror of War." + +"'Reaction'!" snorted the Cynic. "A very comfortable word. But what were +the sufferings from which they are 'reacting'? The loss, you will say, +of the flower of our chivalry in battle? Well, one would think that +might have steadied them. Is this what our manhood died for--to make a +British carnival?" + +"I don't pretend to understand that side of it," said the Sage, "but I +know that during the War we respected the silence of their grief; and I +know that nature must choose its own way of recovering from a loss and +reasserting its claim to happiness. Remember, too, that War must always +have its demoralising features, however splendid the cause for which you +are fighting. 'Let us eat and drink, for to-morrow we die,' says the +soldier in his brief intervals of release. And some of us at home went +more than half-way to meet him, imitating an attitude excusable in him +but not in us. And that attitude is bound to survive for a little time +the causes that induced it. But you must not forget that many of the +type which you are now attacking did noble work in the War; and they +will do it again." + +"That may be," said the Cynic; "but is it necessary to have an orgy of +_Carmagnole_ in between?" + +"I think perhaps it is like the case of a crew or a team going out of +training. They permit themselves a certain relaxation before they start +training for the next contest. But I think too that there is something +to be said for your reference to the _Carmagnole_. We are passing +through a phase of Revolution, very natural after a great upheaval. The +sense of freedom--the very thing for which we have been fighting--is apt +to turn the heads of the young and thoughtless. There is a spirit of +rebellion in the air, which at its worst takes the form of Bolshevism, +but here is seen in a relatively harmless shape as a general revolt +against social restriction, a general passion for what is known as 'a +good time.' In any case it is only a passing phase. Already there are +signs of a reaction from this reaction; of a return to the decency of +other days. They tell me, for a slight but significant indication, that +the waltz is coming back; that we may even look to see a revival of the, +minuet and pavane." + +"Then it is just a question of a cycle of vogues? We are to be swayed by +recurring gusts of fashion, and not inspired by a fixed ideal." + +"Fashion counts with us, of course, for we are human and some of us are +feminine. There was a fashion of patriotism as there is now a fashion of +something that might easily be mistaken for its opposite. But the range +of its influence is largely confined to a rather negligible element in +London, the most provincial of capitals. The Press--and notably the +Photographic Press--gives it a prominence out of all relation to its +importance. The great majority are untouched by it. They talk little +and they advertise less. But in a thousand quiet ways they are setting +themselves to make good." + +"To make good money, you mean. Our world seems made up of profiteers and +of those who would be profiteers but can't, and so abuse those who can. +Can you name to me a period when there was a wilder rush for wealth, or +a more blatant display of luxury? Sometimes I wish the War back; England +was at her best when the call for sacrifice came home to her. But +how--we hear great talk of Reconstruction, but I am reminded rather of +the Restoration." + +"My friend," said the Sage, "I shall believe that this too is only a +temporary phase. Memory is not our strong point, but you can perhaps +throw back your mind to a year ago and recall how near we came to +the ruin of our hopes. Victory took us by surprise; and we were less +prepared for Peace at that moment than we ever had been for War. And, +just as in the first days of the fighting we went astray, running after +the cry, 'Business-as-usual,' so to-day we are making as bad a mistake +when we run after 'Pleasure-as-usual'--or rather more than usual. But +we soon revised that early error, and we shan't waste much time about +revising this. For though we lacked imagination then, and still lack +it, we have the gift, perhaps even more useful if less showy, of common +sense. And when common sense is found in natures that are honest and +hearts that are clean it may make mistakes, but not for long. + +"No, I am an optimist, and an incorrigible old fool, if you like, but I +am certain that the spirit which won the War is not going to fail us +at this second call. Perhaps we have only been waiting for the actual +consummation of Peace to settle down to our new and greater task. + +"And now I must excuse myself from further dialogue, having a mission +to perform in connection with this very task. I go to distribute a +corrective for some of the evils of Peace, as indicated by you. My +motor-lorry, stuffed with samples, awaits me without." + +"And what is the nature of your patent medicine?" said the Cynic, very +cynically. + +"It is," replied Mr. Punch, very confidently but also very +modestly,--"it is a little thing of my own. It is, in fact; my + +[Illustration: ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIXTH VOLUME".] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + * * * * * + +CARTOONS. + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD + Babes in the Wood (The) 25 + Bear Turns (The) 443 + Cinderella 183 + Cramping his Style 283 + "Dora" discomfited 63 + Dove at Sea (The) 303 + "Dry" Humour 123 + England Expects 163 + Faith Restored 463 + First German Victory (The) 83 + Foch-Terrier (The) 203 + Germany Draws the Pen 383 + Ghosts at Versailles 363 + Giving Him Rope 143 + Honour Satisfied 423 + In the Subscription Lists 483 + Irresistible Claim (An) 223 + Loving Cup (The) 403 + Military Muzzle (The) 343 + 1919 Model (The) 9 + Overweighted 243 + Peril Without (The) 263 + Philanderer (The) 503 + Progressive Weight-lifter (The) 103 + Reckoning (The) 323 + World's Desire (The) 43 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. + Another Threatened Industry 215 + Army of Unoccupation (The) 275 + Cautious Dictator (A) 375 + Cheerful Pachyderm (The) 315 + Dawn of Intelligence in Berlin 155 + Distractions of an Indispensable 235 + Easter Offering (The) 295 + Finishing Touch (The) 475 + Goose that Lays the Golden Eggs (The) 135 + Great Renunciation (The) 415 + Home from Home (A) 175 + Imperial Preference 355 + International Stakes (The) 435 + Lost Ally (The) 75 + New Commercial Traveller (The) 55 + New Issue (The) 455 + Order of Release (The) 95 + Peace Queue (The) 395 + Reconstruction; a New Year's Task 3 + Redress Rehearsal (A) 495 + Ruins of Empire 35 + Spring Defensive (A) 255 + Turn of the Tide (The) 195 + Victim (The) 115 + + TOWNSEND, F. H. + Menace of May (The) 335 + War Against the Public (The) 19 + + * * * * * + +ARTICLES. + + ANDERSON, MAJOR GORDON + Mistress and Maid 262 + + ARMSTRONG, H. + Labour Notes 449 + _Rus in Urbe_ 428 + + BAIN, CAPT. B. W. + Cast 134 + + BELL, ROBERT + _Autres Temps, Autres Moers_ 54 + Perfectly Unauthentic Anecdotes 234 + + BERRY, H. W. + To an Egyptian Boy 24 + + BIRD, CAPT. A. W. + Joshua 40 + + BRETHERTON, CYRIL + Bolshevismus 346 + Charivaria weekly + Coal 450 + _Dulce Domum_ 110 + Patriot's Reward (The) 217 + Songs of Innocence 432 + To a dear Departed 138 + To-day in the Food Garden 274 + War-Dogs' Party (The) 65, 88 + + BROWN, C. L. M. + Back to the Cam 374 + Good-bye to the Auxiliary Patrol 154, 174 + Rhymes of Rank 320 + Tragedy of Over-Education (A) 58 + + BROWN, J. B. + Contracts 148 + + BURGE, M. R. K. + Small-Talk 318 + + BURROW, C. K. + Red Wine of the Country (The) 186 + + CARTER, DESMOND + Bakerloonacy 407 + + CHANDLER, MISS B. W. + Collaboration. 366 + + COWAN, M. A. + Blighty Impressions 80 + + CRASTER, LIEUT. COL. J. E. E. + Edentulous Persons 114 + + CRAWFORD, CAPT. L. I. + N.Y.D. 448 + Propaganda in the Balkans 296 + + CUNDY, C. W. + "As You Were" 338 + Balaam Stakes (The) 474 + Error in Tactics (An) 456 + Spring Ideal (A) 414 + Tangled Triangle (A) 496 + + DARMADY, CAPT. E. S. + Poet (The) 476 + + DEANS, F. H. + Our Beauty Column 60 + + DE BANZIE, ERIC + Spoil-Sport (The) 314 + + DE STEIN, EDWARD + My Sergeant-Major-Domo 96 + + DIXEY, H. G. + Early One Morning 86 + + DRAKE, MAURICE + Diamond-cut-Diamond 408 + + DUKES, MAJOR A. + Pumpenheim 436 + + ELIAS, FRANK + With the Red Guards. 321 + + ELLIS, D. C. + Acute Angler (The) 136 + + ENGLEMAN, S. E. + Tendencies 126 + + FARJEON, MISS E. + Dancing demobilised 128 + State Lotteries 190 + + FENN, C. R. + Real Dalrymple (The) 96 + + FOOTE, S. H. W. + Maternal Instinct (The) 280 + + FOX-SMITH, MISS C. + Old Ships (The) 290 + Rhyme of the "Rio Grande" 34 + + FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE + Bird Lore 477, 499 + Blue Hat (The) 316 + Princess Charming 156 + Royal Interview (A) 468 + Trees and Fairies 74 + + GARSTIN, CROSBIE + Hairies (The) 402 + Mud Larks (The) 22, 68, 120, 156, 214, 260, 300, 360, 478 + Old Soldiers 342 + + GARVEY, MISS INA + Blanche's Letters 416 + Tea-cup Twaddle 254 + + GILLMAN, CAPT. W. H. + Career, (The) 54 + Career (Postponed) (The) 318 + Demobilisation Disaster (A) 20 + Macedonia 286 + Teaching Tommy 79 + + GLASGOW, GEORGE + Embarrassment and the Lawyer 454 + Game of the Telephone (The) 210 + + GRAHAM, R. D. C. + Brighter Side of Peace (The). 294 + + GRAVES, C. L. + Anti-Picadors (The) 5 + Brains and Baldness 345 + Celtic Counterblast (A) 366 + Conscription of Brains (The) 467 + Contra Appreciation (A) 139 + Literary Gossip 308 + More Musical Reconstruction 406 + Musical Gossip 23 + Musical Reconstruction 386 + Need of our Times (The) 498 + Passing of Greek (The) 298 + Recognition à la mode 446 + Renaissance (The) 429 + Silly Seasoning 248 + Test of Friendship (The) 208 + To M. Georges Clemenceau 182 + To the Speaker on his Re-election 117 + Weary Titan (The) 41 + Why drag in Mrs. Siddons? 505 + Winchester's Opportunity 106 + + GREENLAND, GEORGE + Going to the Bank 494 + + GUTHRIE, ANSTEY + Dogs' Delight 348 + Treacherous Son (The) 420 + + HEALY, LESLIE + Day (The) 410 + + HERBERT, LIEUT. A. P., R.N.V.R. + Anniversary (The) 369 + Another Crisis 102 + Appointment (The) 122 + Revolt (The) 349 + Space Problem (The) 207 + Spring Cleaning 377 + Thoughts in Committee 62 + + HODGE, H. S. V. + Chant Royal of Cricket 380 + + HODGKINSON, T. + Cricket Bargain (A) 480 + Plea for Proportion (A) 106 + + HODGSON, CAPT. N. + To a Chinese Coolie 150 + + HOLMES, CAPT. W. K. + Army of Entertainment, Ltd. 28 + Art in the Arctic 490 + Blanket Astray (The) 130 + Murman Amenities 418 + Murmansk Mosquito (The) 470 + Spring Modes at Murmansk 380 + + HOLT, R. G. + Local Colour 128 + + HOPWOOD, REAR-ADMIRAL + New Navy (The) 60 + + HUTCHINSON, H. G. + Fine Ear for the Haspirate (A) 80 + + HYSLOP, CAPT. A. F. + Last of His Race (The) 378 + + IMAGE, MRS. + Coal-Dust 160 + + IRVING, CAPT. L. H. + Tragedy of the Super-Patriot 257 + + IRWIN, FELIX + Mélisande's Point of View 438 + + JAGGER, ARTHUR + Ptero-dactyls 202 + + JAY, THOMAS + Charivaria weekly + Midget (The) 166 + + JENKINS, ERNEST + Daily and Maily 97 + New School (A) 85 + + KERR, S. P. + Counter-Revolutionary Collar 270 + + KIDD, ARTHUR + Drink of the Gods (The) 90 + + KILPATRICK, MRS. + _Français tel que l'on le parle (Le)_ 170 + _Nouvelles de Paris_ 140, 180, 220 + Peace Terms 320 + + KNOX, CAPT. E. V. + New Arm (The) 422 + Nomads (The) 398 + Revanche 362 + Those Dresses 502 + Veges on Strike (The) 490 + Waiting for the Spark 440 + Way Out 390 + + LANCASTER, G. B. + Our Bivvie 87 + + LANGLEY, MAJOR F. O. + Career (A) 179 + Watch Dogs (The) 10, 200 + + LEHMANN, R. C. + Bablingo. 327 + Consultation (A) 150 + Criticism in Excelsis 310 + End of the Volunteers (The) 70 + Father Thames Talks 86 + Hair Cutting and Dentistry 30 + Hanwelliad (The) 270 + Hardy Annual (A) 190 + Laxity in Quotations 368 + Milky Molar (The) 167 + More Alleviations 390 + Mrs. Bloggings's Statement 239 + New Game (The) 50 + Old Dog (An) 208 + + LEWIS, M. A. + Boy (Second Class) 6 + Business as Usual 442 + Cross Country 500 + Fearful Odds 322 + More Reprisals 38 + On the high C.'s 482 + Patriot Pig (The) 116 + Trump Suit (The) 180 + + LIAS, A. G. + Necromancers (The) 36 + + LIPSCOMB, CAPT. W. P. + How to throw off an Article 18 + Lèse-Majesté 48 + On the Rhine 196, 218, 276 + Road to the Rhine (The) 76, 176 + + LOCKER, W. A. + Essence of Parliament weekly during Session + Parliamentary Casualties 26 + + LUCAS, E. V. + Alas! poor Panther 460 + Another Historic Interview 2 + Art of Leaving (The) 188 + Beautiful Words (The) 168 + "Botches" 288 + C.K.S. and U.S.A. 388 + Clear the Galleries 258 + Crusader (A) 501 + Dramatists to the Rescue 246 + Expensive Amusement (An) 90 + Great Cold-Cure Debate (The) 198 + Our Friend the Fish 350 + Reports 30 + Romance while you wait 110 + Roofs of the Mighty (The) 486 + Transformation 56 + Visionary Triumph (The) 440 + + LULHAM, HABBERTON + On the Safe Side 121 + + MCMASTER, BRYCE + Ark (The) 158 + + MARTIN, N. R. + Evicted 94 + Novel Reconstruction 6 + + MASON, MRS. + Rime Fairies 140 + + MEEK, J. + Ballade of Approaching Baldness 459 + In Memory of Dora 8 + + MENZIES, G. K. + Cook (The) 382 + Polly 310 + Six-hour Day (The) 250 + + MILNE, A. A. + Arrival of Blackman's Warbler 356 + Getting Out 74 + Housing Question (The) 340 + Perils of Reviewing (The) 400 + To the Death 240 + Two Visits (The) 160 + + NICHOLSON, R. T. + Capital Outlay (A) 396 + + NORRISS, CECIL + Bird Notes 439 + Charivaria weekly + Germ (The) 368 + + OGILVIE, W. H. + Good-bye, Australians 36 + Little Grey Water 462 + + OYLER, MISS MADELINE + Literary Options 142 + + PARKES, J. W. + Demobilisation 162 + + PAYNE, H. H. + Occupied Opera 201 + + PHILLIPS, GORDON + _Après la Guerre_ 100 + + POOLE, J. C. + Civil Education for Soldiers 108 + + PRESTON-TEWART, A. + Another Pending Indemnity 488 + Communications 370 + Kismet 159 + + PRING, B. V. + Schloss Billet (The) 242 + + RIGBY, BEGINALD + Archaeologists (The) 480 + Boom in Architecture (The) 26 + Domestic Question Solved (The) 358 + Gallery Play 236 + Hints on Selecting an Aeroplane 458 + Sporting Chance (A) 430 + + ROACH, MISS M. E. + Brother Service (The) 8 + + ROBERTS, E. L. + Delysious Details 220 + + ROBINSON, J. P. + Linguist (The) 70 + + ROWAN-ROBINSON, MRS. + Daisy 230 + + SALVIDGE, STANLEY + Pink Georgette 308 + + SEAMAN, OWEN + America and Sinn Fein 494 + At the Opera 267 + At the Play 14, 228, 388, 410, 428, 488 + Brest--Bucharest--Versailles 394 + Cam Offensive (The). 134 + Counter-Order of the Bath (The) 374 + Hun as Idealist (The) 154 + Letters to People I don't know 354 + Monuments of the War 194 + "_Mutabile Semper_" 314 + New Order of Things (The) 509 + Paying Game (A) 294 + Peace at the Seaside 334 + Preliminary Dove: its Prospects 234 + Price of Freedom (The) 254 + _The Times_ as Peacemaker 274 + Tonic of March (The) 174 + To Peace, on her Celebrations 434 + To Robert of the Force 454 + Verdict of Democracy (The) 18 + + SHAKESPEARE, CAPT. W. G. + Souvenir of Cologne (A) 314 + + SHARPLES, HENRY + Ruling Passion (The) 434 + + SMITH, JAMES + F. E. 56 + + SOMERVILLE, MISS MAISIE + Humour's Labour Lost 460 + + STRUNSKY, SIMEON + Food Problem in Paris (The) 109 + Guaranteed 12 + + STUART, MISS D. M. + Last Watch of the Night (The) 302 + Swans of Ypres (The) 240 + + SUMMERSGILL, J. + Getting a Job 279 + + SYMNS, J. M. + Songs of Simla 414, 440, 460, 474, 500 + + TALBOT, MISS ETHEL + Fairies' Flitting (The) 266 + + TAYLOUR, COMMANDER BASIL + Opium Hound (The) 47 + Civilian Flying, 1930 336 + + THOROLD, R. A. + Lines to a Legionary 98 + To a March Brown, swallowed alive 229 + + THORP, JOSEPH + At the Play 268, 350, 506 + + THURGOOD, OWEN + House-Hunter (The) 248 + + TROTTER, MRS. + Visitor (The) 78 + + UPTON, CAPT. C. F. + Beetle of Buda-Pesth (The) 394 + Great Beard Mystery (The) 334 + Tube Nightmare (A) 498 + + WHEELWRIGHT, J. E. + Frost and Thaw 146 + Year's Reprisals (A) 328 + + WHITE, R. F. + Demobilised Daydreams 230 + Pair of Military Gloves (A) 194 + + WHITMARSH, F. J. + Shady Tenant (A) 420 + Truthful Traveller (The) 50 + + WODEHOUSE, E. A. + To an Unknown Colleague 1 + + +PICTURES AND SKETCHES. + + ACOCK, W. 372 + + ARMOUR, MAJOR G. D. 5, 151, 211 + + BATEMAN, H. M. 101, 181, 421, 498 + + BAUMER, LEWIS 15, 24, 39, 62, 81, 122, 142, 162, 182, 202, 222, 242, + 282, 302, 321, 342, 382, 409, 422, 436, 462, 502 + + BELCHER, GEORGE 147, 485 + + BIRD, W. 10, 17, 86, 113, 132, 152, 153, 272, 273, 308, 313, 378, 432, + 447, 481 + + BLAIKLEY, ERNEST 233 + + BRIGHTWELL, L. R. 329, 368, 406, 478 + + BROADHEAD, W. S. 351 + + BROCK, H. M. 4, 20, 97, 119, 137, 207, 238, 347, 369, 407 + + BROOK, RICARDO 12, 16, 26, 33, 52, 68, 88, 108, 148, 192, 210, 328, + 346, 373 + + COTTRELL, T. 59, 212, 229 + + DIXON, GEORGE 470 + + DOWD, J. H. 51, 176, 206, 257, 358, 391, 453 + + DOWD, L. P. 293, 431 + + FERRIER, ARTHUR 129, 248, 318 + + "FOUGASSE" 281, 353, 376, 469 + + FRASER, P. 216, 252, 253, 319, 333,410,438, 448 + + GARRATT, ARTHUR 46, 91, 106, 218, 312 + + GARSTIN, MISS ALETHEA 219 + + GHILCHIK, D. L. 38 + + GRAVE, CHARLES 67, 109, 118, 179, 247, 297, 317, 393, 397, 473 + + HARRINGTON, J. W. 112 + + HARRISON, CHARLES 167, 418 + + HART, FRANK 198, 399 + + HASELDEN, W. K. 14, 228, 268, 388, 428, 488, 506 + + HOLLAND, G. C. 288 + + HORNE, A. E. 356, 377 + + HOWELLS, CAPTAIN W. A. 61 + + JENNIS, G. 49, 79, 171, 231, 309, 367 429, 459 + + LEETE, ALFRED 40 + + LEWIN, F. G. 133 + + LONGMIRE, G. 93 + + MCHUTCHON, J. F. 172, 413 + + MAY, FRED. 348 + + MILLS, A. WALLIS 11, 28, 65, 78, 139, 199, 241, 258, 278, 307, 327, + 427, 451, 467, 479 + + + MORELAND, ARTHUR 58, 136, 287, 338, 491 + + MORROW, EDWIN 332 + + MORROW, GEORGE 7, 29, 47, 72, 73, 87, 98, 127, 138, 169, 209, 232, + 239, 259, 292, 381, 401, 412, 419, 452, 472, 492, 508 + + NORRIS, ARTHUR 507 + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD 1 + + PEGRAM, FRED 262 + + PETT, NORMAN 32, 352, 392 + + PRANCE, BERTRAM 66, 433 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. 189, 510 + + REYNOLDS, FRANK 27, 57, 77, 99, 111, 117, 161, 177, 201, 213, 221, + 249, 256, 277, 296, 316, 336, 357, 411, 441, 471, 476, 505 + + ROUNTREE, HARRY 486 + + SHEPARD, E. H. 41, 191, 251, 449, 458, 489 + + SHEPPERSON, C. A. 31, 45, 85, 105, 131, 168, 271, 291, 311, 349, + 371, 461 + + STAMPA, G. L. 13, 21, 37, 71, 89, 107, 126, 141, 159, 217, 236, 269, + 276, 298, 322, 339, 362, 379, 396, 416, 439, 466, 477, 501 + + THOMAS, BERT 178, 196, 267, 279, 299, 337, 341, 359, 387, 398, 426, + 442, 456, 497 + + THOMPSON, A. 92 + + TOWNSEND, F. H. 8, 23, 42, 53, 69, 82, 102, 121, 125, 145, 146, 149, + 157, 165, 173, 185, 188, 197, 205, 225, 226, 227, 237, 245, 246, + 261, 265, 266, 285, 286, 289, 301, 305, 306, 325, 326, 331, 345, + 361, 365, 366, 385, 386, 389, 402, 405, 417, 425, 437, 445, 446, + 457, 465, 482, 496 + + WILSON, H. R. 158, 187, 193, 487, 499 + + WOOD, STARK 493 + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, June 25, 1919, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH JUNE 25, 1919 *** + +***** This file should be named 11712-8.txt or 11712-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/1/11712/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, June 25, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 25, 2004 [EBook #11712] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH JUNE 25, 1919 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 156.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>June 25, 1919.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page493" id="page493"></a>[pg +493]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>A man has written to the papers offering to buy five thousand +pounds of Joy Loan if the Government will get him a case of whisky. +The simple fellow does not seem to realise that if the Government +had anything as valuable as a case of whisky it would not have to +raise a loan.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The successful trans-Atlantic flight and the large number of +public-houses in Galway threaten to make prohibition in U.S.A. +nothing less than a farce.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Smoking, says a Church paper, is on the increase among boys. +Boys will be girls these days.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Smoking and bad language seem to go together, says Professor +GILBERT MURRAY. In the case of some cheap cigars we have often seen +them going together.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A bazaar has been held in Dublin for the purpose of securing a +fresh stock of wild animals for the Zoological Gardens. It is not +believed, however, that the popularity of Sinn Fein can be +seriously challenged.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Serbia," says an Italian news agency, "is purchasing large +quantities of war material and aeroplanes." It is feared, however, +that these elaborate Peace preparations may yet turn out to be +premature.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Two German machine guns, it is stated, have been placed in a +provincial library. Even this, it is thought, will not prevent Mr. +H.G. WELLS from doing what he conceives to be his duty.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Labour unrest is reported from Spitzbergen. There is also a +rumour that the Greenlanders are demanding the nationalization of +blubber and a 180-day year.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>There is said to be some talk at Washington of the House of +Representatives inviting President WILSON to visit America +shortly.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Chicago Girls' Club has decided that its members shall have +nothing to do with young men. It is certainly getting to be an +effeminate habit.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>The Daily Mail</i> has presented a golden slipper for the +actress with the smallest feet. The slipper, we understand, is +quite new and has never been used on anybody.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An American gentleman is about to offer for sale his corkscrew, +or would exchange for something useful.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A very mean theft is reported from West Ealing. Not content with +stealing the loose silver a burglar is reported to have stolen the +muzzle from off the watch-dog.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The New Cross Fire Brigade have been awarded a Challenge Cup for +the quickest work. This brigade is now open to book a few orders +for fires during August, when they have several open dates.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We understand that a couple of young cheeses were kidnapped from +a Crouch Hill warehouse last week.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is a surprising fact, says a contemporary, that when LENIN +was born his parents were practically penniless. The greater +mystery is that his parents decided to keep him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A statistical expert has estimated that if all the questions +asked by Mr. SMILLIE at the Coal Commission's sittings were placed +one before the other they would lead to nowhere.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Over one hundred posters illustrating the danger of house-flies +have been exhibited in the Enfield district. It is doubtful whether +this will have the desired effect, for it is well known that flies +cannot read.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The price of a first-class interment, says a contemporary, has +risen from £3 18<i>s</i> 0<i>d</i>. to £5 15<i>s</i>. +0<i>d</i>. The result is that many people have decided to try to do +without one this year.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The arrival in England of a rare mosquito is reported by the +South-Eastern Union of Scientific Societies. It seems that the +insect had worked its passage to the British Museum. We think that +a sharper look-out should be kept on mosquitoes arriving at our +ports.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A painful episode is reported from Yarmouth. It appears that a +visitor, desirous of taking home a souvenir of his holiday, +thoughtlessly filled a bottle with sea water at low tide, with the +result that just before high tide the bottle burst, inflicting +serious injuries on the passengers in the railway carriage in which +he was travelling.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Out of nine applicants for the post of Language Master at a +well-known Public school, eight were proficient in at least five +languages. However, as the ninth man proved to be an +ex-Sergeant-Major, the eight immediately retired in his favour.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We now hear that the question regarding the possession of +Kladizatiffagtaliofatoffka, in Poland, which has caused so much of +the delay at the Peace Conference, has been satisfactorily settled. +The four Big Powers are to have a couple of syllables each and the +remaining three will be raffled for.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>On account of the large number of robberies of safes that have +taken place in London during the last few weeks it is possible that +an effort will shortly be made to do away with these cumbersome +articles in order to stamp out the epidemic.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The bacteriologist of the Oyster Merchants' and Planters' +Association claims to have discovered a means of purifying polluted +mussels. To ascertain if a mussel requires to be purified examine +the whites of its eyes.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Newspapers have appeared again in Buenos Ayres. No other +troubles are anticipated.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href= +"images/493.png"><img width="100%" src="images/493.png" alt= +"I'VE CALLED TO SEE IF YOU COULD MAKE A MINATURE OF ME." /></a>"I'VE +CALLED TO SEE IF YOU COULD MAKE A MINATURE OF ME."</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page494" id="page494"></a>[pg +494]</span> +<h3>AMERICA AND SINN FEIN.</h3> +<blockquote class="note"> +<p>[Being a Republican's apology for the recent anti-British +agitation in the States.]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, never let it mar the mutual love,</p> +<p class="i2">That now unites us eye to eye,</p> +<p>If, superficially, we seem to shove</p> +<p class="i2">Our fingers in your Irish pie—</p> +<p>An action which, if you should so behave,</p> +<p>Would make old MONROE wriggle in his grave.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>How loath we are by nature to intrude</p> +<p class="i2">In things outside our own concern</p> +<p>Is witnessed by the European feud</p> +<p class="i2">In which we lately took a turn;</p> +<p>Ere WILSON'S mind was fixed to see you through it,</p> +<p>For years he wondered if he ought to do it.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And, when for Ireland's good we intervene</p> +<p class="i2">In matters patently remote,</p> +<p>You must not count our loyalty less keen—</p> +<p class="i2">We simply want the Irish vote;</p> +<p>'Tis an election stunt, this lion-baiting,</p> +<p>Designed for local Kelts who need placating.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>So, when our Yankee delegates rehearse</p> +<p class="i2">Their tale of Erin's bitter woe,</p> +<p>Of crimes, almost too bad to quote in Erse,</p> +<p class="i2">Committed by the Saxon foe,</p> +<p>Please understand why our apparent bias is</p> +<p>In favour of these nimble Ananiases.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And also why, for Ireland's dear, dear sake</p> +<p class="i2">(Meaning of course "Ourselves Alone"),</p> +<p>A lot of us would gladly let her take</p> +<p class="i2">Our WILSON for her very own,</p> +<p>To worship, like a god inside a tin fane,</p> +<p>As WOODROW ONE, First President of Sinn Fein.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O. S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>GOING TO THE BANK.</h3> +<p>She thought she had got a bargain. It was only marked "20/-," +and would have been double the price at any of the West-end places. +So she whipped out her Japanese note-case, paid for it, and carried +it off like a whirlwind lest the shopman should find he had made a +mistake.</p> +<p>But it was she who had made a mistake, and she broke the news to +me at breakfast on the following morning.</p> +<p>Two of her one-pound notes (or, to be exact, <i>my</i> one pound +notes) must have stuck together. She had paid the West-end price +after all.</p> +<p>Then, instead of blaming her own carelessness, as I should have +done, what must she do but attack Mr. LLOYD GEORGE?</p> +<p>"It's all his fault, this horrid dirty paper-money... Spreading +infection wherever it goes!"</p> +<p>It devolved upon me to defend the Government, which I did with +some heat, drawing forth another one-pound note casually, as though +I were made of them, and flourishing it in my hand.</p> +<p>"And anyway," I argued, "Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is not to blame. The +note does not bear his signature, but that of Sir JOHN BRADBURY. +And a fine bold signature it is—why, it's dirt-cheap for the +lesson in handwriting alone."</p> +<p>She did not appreciate that, because hers is a small scrabbed +writing. But I continued mercilessly—</p> +<p>"I bet he doesn't bite <i>his</i> lips when he's signing his +name."</p> +<p>"Extremely bad writing, I should call it," she retorted. "Look, +you cannot tell where the '<i>u</i>' ends and the '<i>r</i>' +begins."</p> +<p>"But aside from that," I resumed (I was very proud of this +expression, having picked it up from President WILSON)—"aside +from that, turn the note over, feast your eyes on the picture of +the Houses of Parliament. It too is thrown in for nothing. This at +least ought to appeal to you, with your enthusiasm for Gothic +architecture."</p> +<p>If looks could annihilate, that would have been my last boiled +egg.</p> +<p>"You think yourself very clever," she said, "and you are +supposed to understand all about money matters. Surely you know of +a bank where I can take these wretched notes and get gold instead, +the good old English gold that was worth its face-value all the +world over?"</p> +<p>I did not know she could be so eloquent. I rose and went to the +window. It was a noble morning.</p> +<p>"Yes," I said after a little reflection, "put on your best hat +and collect your paper-money. But try and pack it all into the +kit-bag if you possibly can." (She winced a little.) "I know a bank +where you will be able to get all the gold you want...."</p> +<hr /> +<p>Shoulder to shoulder we fought the good fight for the +motor-bus.</p> +<p>"Two to the Bank," I gasped.</p> +<p>But it was at Charing Cross station I made her descend. She +looked extraordinarily mystified, and I explained that the Bank's +country branches are the only ones where gold is still to be +had.</p> +<hr /> +<p>She and an empty milk-can and I were all that got out at the +little station in the hills. However, a cuckoo introduced himself +boldly by name. He seemed so near he might have been in the +booking-office. But the booking-office was deserted.</p> +<p>"There can't possibly be a bank in this out-of-the-world place," +she protested.</p> +<p>"Patience," I replied, leading her down a steep path between +high thick hedges to a small gateway. Through this we went, and I +heard her draw in her breath.</p> +<p>From our feet, as it seemed, up to the blue sky itself, one +golden glowing bank of buttercups and cowslips... and cowslips. It +was almost like trying to gaze at the noonday sun.</p> +<p>"There," I crowed, "you will be able to get all the gold you +want. Did I not say, 'I know a bank'?"</p> +<p>She did a curious thing. She put her arms round my neck and +kissed me.</p> +<p>"Dear old Mr. Sententious," said she, "did you think you could +take <i>me</i> in? I knew my <i>Midsummer Night's Dream</i> by +heart while you were still discovering 'THE-HOG-IS-IN-THE-PIT'!" +And she sang quite softly:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,</p> +<p>Where oxlips—"</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Though I was very angry at the way she had deceived me, I must +admit that her voice was not unpleasing.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>In a Good Cause.</h4> +<p>The National Baby Week Council, which for many years has done +admirable work in promoting the Welfare of Infancy and Motherhood, +is to hold its annual "Week" from July 1st to 7th. Among other +London celebrations a Conference will be held at Kingsway Hall, +under the Presidency of Dr. ADDISON, on the Tuesday, Wednesday and +Thursday. Applications for admission (one guinea, to include proofs +of papers to be read and a copy of the Report; or ten shillings, +without printed matter) should be addressed to Miss HALFORD, +Secretary, National Association for the Prevention of Infant +Mortality, 4 and 5 Tavistock Square, W.C.1.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page495" id="page495"></a>[pg +495]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/495.png"><img width="100%" src="images/495.png" alt= +"A REDRESS REHEARSAL." /></a> +<h3>A REDRESS REHEARSAL.</h3> +<p>OUR MR. MONTAGU <i>(practising on dummy).</i> "THE LATEST LINE +IN WESTERN HEAD-WEAR, SIR, AND, IF YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SAY SO, +VERY BECOMING TO YOU. THANK YOU, SIR, AND THE NEXT ARTICLE?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page496" id="page496"></a>[pg +496]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/496.png"><img width="100%" src="images/496.png" alt= +"Son of the House (after being introduced to professor of mathematics). 'NOW WHAT SHALL I TALK TO YOU ABOUT?'" /> +</a><i>Son of the House (after being introduced to professor of +mathematics).</i>"NOW WHAT SHALL I TALK TO YOU ABOUT?"</div> +<hr /> +<h2>A TANGLED TRIANGLE.</h2> +<p>The Pâtisserie Delarue et Salon de Consommations is +situated just on the edge of Europe. Being a place of extreme +military importance I dare not indicate its position with greater +exactitude, but may go so far as to say that it can be found by +stepping off the boat, crossing the bridge and then inquiring of +the Military Police. Its importance is due to the quality of its +<i>crème éclairs</i>, which attract the gilded Staff +in such large numbers that the interior is usually suffused like an +Eastern sunset with a rich glow of red tabs and gilt braid. Within +its walls junior subalterns, now, alas, a rapidly diminishing +species, dally with insidious ices until their immature moustaches +are pendulous with lemon-flavoured icicles and their hair is +whitened with sugared rime.</p> +<p>There it was that Frederick discovered Percival feebly and +mournfully pecking at a vanilla ice.</p> +<p>"Greeting, old Spartan," said he. "Training for the Murman +coast?"</p> +<p>"Would that I were!" replied Percival. "I'm refrigerating my +sorrows. I've tried to drown them, but they float; so I'm by way of +freezing them under."</p> +<p>"Poor Perce!" murmured Frederick. "I suppose it's Cox +again?"</p> +<p>"<i>Au contraire</i>, I'm <i>his</i> sorrow. My present trouble +is that I've got to find a wife."</p> +<p>"Nothin' easier, old thing. Your photo in the illustrated +papers, with appropriate letterpress—"</p> +<p>"You misunderstand me," interrupted Percival. "It's someone +else's wife I've got to find. <i>Écoutez</i>. Teddy Roker +has got permission for his wife to visit him out here. He's +expecting her by this afternoon's boat and has got a billet fixed +up all right, but he's been suddenly rushed away on a court-martial +case, so he's asked me to meet her, and I've never seen her +before."</p> +<p>"But didn't he give you the specifications—kind of +descriptive return?"</p> +<p>"That's just it!" groaned Percival. "He was only married last +leave, and his description goes like a Shakspearean sonnet. I +gather that I've got to look out for a combination of +<i>Titania</i>, GLADYS COOPER and HELEN OF TROY. I tried to nail +him down to externals, but he only went off into another +rhapsody.</p> +<p>"'What does she wear?' I asked.</p> +<p>"'Wear?' said he dreamily. 'Oh! beautifully draped garments +nebulous as summer clouds and filmy as gossamer webs. Nothing +really definite.'</p> +<p>"'That sounds probable enough, as the present fashions go,'" +said I.</p> +<p>"Seems to me," said Frederick, "that this is a case to refer to +higher authority. The sleuth-hound instinct of one Frederick is +indicated. Having absorbed the available data I will e'en amble +round myself to assist you."</p> +<p>"There speaks my stout-hearted haricot!" said Percival. "But be +careful. Teddy won't like it if he gets the wrong wife. He made a +point of that. So in case we miss each other your instructions are +briefly these: you will meet what you honestly think to be Mrs. +Roker outside the Customs House, explain Teddy's absence, take her +to his rooms at 10 <i>bis</i>, Rue Dufay, make her comfortable and +report to me here at 6.15."</p> +<p>Punctually at 6.15 they met again in the Pâtisserie +Delarue. Both were radiant.</p> +<p>"'Tis done!" said Percival proudly; "and without the assistance +of the puissant Frederick. At 5.0 o'clock I was outside the Customs +House and <span class="pagenum"><a name="page497" id= +"page497"></a>[pg 497]</span> saw her looking round with an anxious +eye. 'Mrs. Roker, I believe?' said I. She confessed right away, so +I rattled her off in a cab to 10 <i>bis</i>, Rue Dufay, and left +her there nibblin' biscuits and drinkin' tea as happy as a +flapper."</p> +<p>"Percival," replied Frederick slowly, "for sheer imbecility you +have surpassed yourself. I myself met Mrs. Roker outside the +Customs House at 5.30, being detained <i>en route</i>. I took her +to 10 <i>bis</i>, Rue Dufay, where at the present moment she is +partaking of coffee and chocolate caramels. Shortly, no doubt, she +will discover the spurious female that you have decoyed thither and +the First Act of a triangle drama will be rung up."</p> +<p>"By Jazz," exclaimed Percival, "I'd stake my gratuity on the +genuineness of my Mrs. Roker. She knows Teddy's favourite breakfast +food."</p> +<p>"No," said Frederick decidedly, "mine is the only authentic +article. All others are imitations. She knows dearest Edward's size +in gloves."</p> +<p>"Well, we can't both be right."</p> +<p>"Did Teddy say anything about expecting <i>two</i> wives?" asked +Frederick hopefully.</p> +<p>"Idiot!" said Percival. "As I see the situation, one of +us—presumably you—will presently be the central figure +in a court-martial or police court on a charge of abducting an +innocent female. The remaining reels in the film will be devoted to +Teddy chasing you with a 5·9 howitzer for jeopardizing his +connubial happiness. But these unhappy concluding incidents may be +averted if you return the wrongful lady to her rightful owner +before Teddy gets back. So we'll take the necessary action +immediately."</p> +<p>"But which one are we going to discard if they both claim to be +the genuine Mrs. R.? Hadn't we better wait for Teddy? He'd be +almost sure to be able to decide."</p> +<p>"You make me tired. It's got to be settled before he comes +back."</p> +<p>It was a brace of dejected subalterns that wended their way to +10 <i>bis</i>, Rue Dufay. Percival knocked at the door of the +drawing-room and in response to an invitation they entered. A +pretty and extremely composed young lady greeted them.</p> +<p>"<i>My</i> wife!" said Percival and Frederick +simultaneously.</p> +<p>"Excuse me," said the lady with dignity; "the only husband I +possess at present is Mr. Roker."</p> +<p>"What I mean to say is," explained Percival lamely, "that you +are the wife of Mr. Roker that I met at the Customs—I mean, +Mr. Roker's wife that—"</p> +<p>"Me too!" broke in Frederick.</p> +<p>"Well, that's easily explained," said the lady, addressing +Percival. "After you had kindly escorted me here I suddenly +remembered that I had left my keys at the Customs House. Feeling +confident of finding my way about I returned for them. On emerging +I was claimed by your fascinating friend who is at this moment +engaged in winding up his monocle [Frederick guiltily stowed it +away in his fob pocket]. He seemed so delighted at having +discovered me that I hadn't the heart to explain that I'd been +found before. Of course I'm excessively grateful to both of +you—Oh, here's dear old Teddy at last!"</p> +<p>During the scene of rapturous greeting that followed Frederick +showed that he indeed had his moments of inspiration.</p> +<p>"What about a vanilla ice at the Pâtisserie Delarue, old +bean?" said he to Percival.</p> +<p>And, unnoticed by the happy couple, they stole silently +away.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"><a href= +"images/497.png"><img width="100%" src="images/497.png" alt= +"ER—LET ME SEE. DO I KNOW LADY HOGGINS?" /></a> +<p><i>Lady who has been handed the card of wife of new +baronet-profiteer).</i> "ER—LET ME SEE. DO I KNOW LADY +HOGGINS?"</p> +<p><i>Butler</i>. "YOUR LADYSHIP HAS NOT RECEIVED HER SINCE THE +CREATION."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Surplus Government Property for sale:—Brass +Islets."—<i>Disposal Board "Surplus" Magazine</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>But why is the geographical position of this alluring +archipelago not given? Is it for enemy reasons?</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page498" id="page498"></a>[pg +498]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/498.png"><img width="100%" src="images/498.png" alt= +"FORCE OF HABIT—THE SCRUM HALF.</div> " /></a> +<h3>FORCE OF HABIT—THE SCRUM HALF.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE NEED OF OUR TIMES.</h3> +<blockquote> +<p class="note">["The modern world is badly in need of a Pindar. +Alone of the poets, Pindar could do justice to the exploits of the +day."—<i>The Times.</i>]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"We're badly in need of a Pindar"</p> +<p class="i2">To fan in these tropical days</p> +<p>Our stock of emotional tinder</p> +<p class="i2">With gusts of tempestuous praise;</p> +<p>To foster the flame, not to check it</p> +<p class="i2">Or let it die suddenly down,</p> +<p>In honour of HAWKER and BECKETT,</p> +<p class="i2">Of ALCOCK and BROWN.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>We do not require a CATULLUS</p> +<p class="i2">(We've MASEFIELD and WAUGH and SASSOON)</p> +<p>Nor pastoral pipers to lull us</p> +<p class="i2">To rest with a sedative tune;</p> +<p>But the worship of beer and of Bacchus</p> +<p class="i2">In verses familiar and free</p> +<p>Might win for a latter-day FLACCUS</p> +<p class="i2">A Knighthood (B.E.).</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Bland VIRGIL'S beyond resurrection;</p> +<p class="i2">The voice of the moment is harsh;</p> +<p>The nightingale's golden perfection</p> +<p class="i2">Offends the young ravens of MARSH;</p> +<p>ARISTOPHANES, grossly facetious,</p> +<p class="i2">Is but a "compulsory" god,</p> +<p>And HOMER as well as LUCRETIUS</p> +<p class="i2">Too frequently nod.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There's scope for the truculent passion</p> +<p class="i2">Of JUVENAL'S masculine muse</p> +<p>To flagellate folly and fashion</p> +<p class="i2">In dress and in manners and views;</p> +<p>But we've plenty of prophets and poets;</p> +<p class="i2">We've few who are sober and sane;</p> +<p>We don't want another DE BLOWITZ;</p> +<p class="i2">We want a DELANE.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"BETTER BEER ON THE HORIZON."</p> +<p><i>Daily Express</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>A beer in the hand is worth ten on the horizon.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A TUBE NIGHTMARE.</h3> +<p>Have you ever dreamed a dream of a terrible tube journey, in +which every one of the appalling things which might happen does +actually occur? I dreamed one last night.</p> +<p>The journey began with a disaster. On reaching the +booking-office window I could not find any money, and it was only +when the waiting crowd behind me, which had mounted to hundreds, +was becoming offensively hostile that I succeeded in producing a +five-pound note.</p> +<p>The booking-clerk took her own time to count out the change, and +on leaving the window I found four policemen struggling to keep +back an infuriated mob of people, all shrieking imprecations and +asking for my blood.</p> +<p>There was but one thing for it—to get to a train before +this angry horde could secure its tickets; so I made a <span class= +"pagenum"><a name="page499" id="page499"></a>[pg 499]</span> wild +dash for the moving-staircase, shedding Bradburys <i>en route</i> +like a paper-chase.</p> +<p>As I rushed past the ticket-puncher she made a vicious lunge at +my out-stretched hand with an enormous pair of pincers, missing the +ticket and partially amputating my thumb.</p> +<p>As I have always expected to do, but have never yet done, I +missed my footing at the top of the escalator, and my desire to +outstrip my enemies was realised beyond my wildest hopes as I +crashed, by a series of petrifying somersaults, down the entire +flight, to be belched forth like a sausage from a machine at the +bottom.</p> +<p>Tattered, torn and in unspeakable agony I picked myself up and +found my steering-gear so damaged that I could only move sideways, +crab-fashion, and in this manner I crawled on to the platform just +as a train was beginning its exit.</p> +<p>I make a leap for it. The gates crash to! Am I inside them or +out? Neither. I am pinned there with the first half of my body +struggling inside the car while the second half protrudes over the +fast-receding platform.</p> +<p>I remember how in my agony it flashed across my mind that I +would never again slay a wasp with my fork.</p> +<p>I must have been pulled into the car just in time to stop the +tunnel (which is a dreadfully close fit) from bisecting me, for the +next thing I remember was being dropped into a corner seat and +severely admonished by the guard for getting into the train whilst +it was in motion.</p> +<p>I was now a quivering and shapeless mass; nobody pitied me, +nobody helped me, so loathsome a spectacle did I present.</p> +<p>Of course the train passed my station, and at the next I was +thrown out like a mail-bag, to be trodden on by massed formations +of travellers fighting to enter and leave the car by the same door +at the same time.</p> +<p>When the multitudes had dispersed and I was alone, by superhuman +efforts I contrived to wriggle on my stomach to the foot of the +ascending stairway, but not having sufficient strength to wriggle +off on arrival at the top, my long-dreaded horror of being sucked +under the barrier, where moving stairways disappear, was +realised.</p> +<p>By now immune to pain, I regarded the next process (akin to +being passed through a mangle) as child's play. To my amazement, +after a few minutes amongst giant cog-wheels, I again found the +light on the down-going staircase, which precipitated me to the +spot from which I had started.</p> +<p>Having thrice performed this revolution, by which time I was as +flat as a pancake, I was eventually scraped off by a porter and +upbraided for joy-riding.</p> +<p>Finding that those rebukes left me unmoved, for I was +practically lifeless, certainly boneless, and, to their horror, +ticketless, they folded me up and put me in a drawer pending the +arrival of the police.</p> +<p>I was still there when the dream mercifully stopped.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/499.png"><img width="100%" src="images/499.png" alt= +"WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU DRIVE ON THE PROPER SIDE OF THE ROAD?" /></a> +<p><i>Motor Cyclist</i>. "WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU DRIVE ON THE +PROPER SIDE OF THE ROAD?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>BIRD-LORE.</h3> +<p class="center">II.—PEACOCKS.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Peacocks sweep the fairies' rooms;</p> +<p>They use their folded tails for brooms;</p> +<p>But fairy dust is brighter far</p> +<p>Than any mortal colours are;</p> +<p>And all about their tails it clings</p> +<p>In strange designs of rounds and rings;</p> +<p>And that is why they strut about</p> +<p>And proudly spread their feathers out.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>R.F.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Wanted.—Good stage electrician. No good stage +electrician."—<i>The Stage</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>There ought to be no difficulty in finding the latter.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page500" id="page500"></a>[pg +500]</span> +<h2>CROSS COUNTRY.</h2> +<p>A Commander in the Senior Service is the man who gets things +done; and long experience has formulated for him a golden rule: "If +you want to get things done you must <i>see</i> them done." This +laudable maxim applies in a lesser degree to all his subordinates, +right down to the newly-joined boy, who can't very well help seeing +<i>some</i> things done, unless he makes a habit of working with +his eyes shut—a practice which does not appeal particularly +to P.O.'s.</p> +<p>The Commander of His Majesty's Battleship <i>Ermyntrude</i> is +far from being an exception to the rule; he is a martyr to it. So +are his officers. In their enthusiasm they have let the rule run +riot. You will soon see that for yourself.</p> +<p>The idea germinated in the practical head of the gunner. It +pushed its way into the upper air under the plain cap of the A.P. +It budded under the (slighted tilted) head-dress of Number One, and +blossomed forth into a full-blown project under the gilded +oak-leaves that thatch the Bloke.</p> +<p>He said, "The ship's company will run across country."</p> +<p>The ship's company girded up its loins and awaited further +orders.</p> +<p>The course was decided upon. It ran from the signalling station +on the south of the island straight to the town on the north. There +was no possibility of making a mistake, because you could see the +semaphore from anywhere, and you would know when you got to the +town because the road stopped there. The various divisions of the +ship were to compete against each other. If you came in first you +were to be given a ticket numbered "one"; if second, a ticket +numbered "two," and so on; and the division which had the smallest +total of pips at the end would be the winner.</p> +<p>At 8.15 the ship's pinnace landed the gunner on the town jetty +at the north end of the island. He had come to deal with the +competitors when they arrived at the winning-post. He had brought +with him the bo'sun and the carpenter, his own mate, the bo'sun's +mate and the carpenter's mate, four P.O.'s, the sergeant of +Marines, a few leading stokers and half-a-dozen hands; fifty +fathoms of hawser-laid four-inch white rope; six stout stakes +(ash); bags, canvas, twelve (one to collect the tickets earned by +each division); and one thousand eight hundred tickets, numbered +from one to one thousand eight hundred. (There were only six +hundred and fifty runners, but it is well to be on the safe +side.)</p> +<p>He dug his stakes into the ground in a V-shaped formation just +beyond the place where the road ended and almost opposite the first +cottage. Further north he posted his canvas bags, which he fixed at +a convenient height above the ground by depending them from the +necks of his subordinates. He then rigged his rope around the +stakes in such a way that the runners, entering the wide end of the +V, would be shepherded one by one through a narrow aperture at the +bottom, thus avoiding all suspicion of overcrowding in giving out +the tickets. He explained his plan of campaign to his party and +took up his post at the foot of the V.</p> +<p>Scarcely had he done so when the A.P. appeared upon the scene. +He had brought with him a few friends—a couple of subs, two +or three senior snotties and the Captain's secretary, a brace of +stewards with the luncheon baskets, and the cutter's crew, who +carried between them two large trellis-work screens which the +carpenter had knocked up for him.</p> +<p>He passed the time of day with the gunner, marched fifty yards +further down towards the starting-point and had his screens +deposited in the middle of the road, in such a way that several +could enter one end of the enclosure they formed, but only one at a +time could go out at the other; this, he explained, would enable +the men to pass the winning-post in single file. He then lit a +cigarette and took his stand at the narrow end, producing from his +pocket seven hundred and fifty neat red tickets (numbered from one +to seven hundred and fifty) which the chief writer had made out for +him the night before.</p> +<p>At 8.45 Number One arrived. To help him he had brought a couple +of watch-keepers, a surgeon, three engineers, a naval instructor +and the captain of Marines. He only paused to borrow one side of +the gunner's V and all but forty of the A.P.'s tickets, and passed +on down the road. When he had reached a suitable point about a +hundred yards south of the A.P. he had the purloined rope stretched +slantwise, in such a way that the only means of passing it was a +little passage a yard wide between the rope and the ditch on the +right of the road. A little nearer still to the starting-point he +had a large placard erected with the words "Keep to the Right" +painted on it.</p> +<p>Punctually at 9.0 the Commander arrived with a piece of string +and the P.M.O. They took up their stand one on each side of the +road opposite the placard. The Bloke produced a small gold pencil, +but, as he had forgotten to bring any paper, he commandeered the +placard and began feverishly to write down all the numbers he could +think of from one to six hundred and fifty.</p> +<p>You are no doubt anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Owner at +9.15. Well, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. Still, although he +did not come in person, yet he made his presence felt, as every +good skipper should. At 9.15, as the ship's company were lining up +for the start by the semaphore, he made the signal from the +ship:—</p> +<p>"Sailing at 13.30. Return immediately."</p> +<hr /> +<h2>SONGS OF SIMLA.</h2> +<p class="center">V.—PELITI'S.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I troll you no song that will hinder you long,</p> +<p class="i2">I pen you no ponderous treatise,</p> +<p>The theme that I sing is a gossamer thing</p> +<p class="i2">As light as the cakes at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Grey roofs mid the pines and a heaven that shines</p> +<p class="i2">As blue as the water where Crete is,</p> +<p>The malachite green of a misty ravine,</p> +<p class="i2">That's the balcony view at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There are mortals, may be, who abominate tea</p> +<p class="i2">(One's poison another man's meat is),</p> +<p>Who shy at the touch of a crumpet—for such</p> +<p class="i2">There is music and love at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>See that G.S.O.2 with the lady in blue;</p> +<p class="i2">Has she noticed where one of his feet is,</p> +<p>Or the issue that hangs on the plate of meringues</p> +<p class="i2">Which he buys her each day at PELITI'S?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Here the rulers of Ind, from the Salween to Sind,</p> +<p class="i2">Take their ices and wafers (MCVITIE'S)</p> +<p>And elaborate schemes over chocolate creams</p> +<p class="i2">At five-o'clock tea at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And I think, when we die and the wraiths of us fly</p> +<p class="i2">To that peace which depends not on treaties,</p> +<p>The joys which we find will but serve to remind</p> +<p class="i2">Of the hours that we spent at PELITI'S.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>J.M.S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Thomas —— was fined £5 £at +£Oswestry yesterday for selling goods to a German +prisoner.</p> +<p>The chairman said defendant had sold goods to the value of +11<i>s</i>, 1-1/2<i>d</i>. Where the German had got that large sum +of money from was quite a mystery."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It seems pretty evident from the report that there was a good +deal of money about somewhere.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page501" id="page501"></a>[pg +501]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/501.png"><img width="100%" src="images/501.png" alt= +"I'M TOLD SHE'S ALWAYS WRITING TO HER DRESSMAKER ABOUT NEW FROCKS." /> +</a> +<p>"I'M TOLD SHE'S ALWAYS WRITING TO HER DRESSMAKER ABOUT NEW +FROCKS."</p> +<p>"I SUPPOSE SHE ENCLOSED A STAMPED AND ADDRESSED ENVELOPE FOR +THAT ONE."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A CRUSADER.</h3> +<p>One hears sometimes of pure altruists, but on analysing their +purity an alloy is perceptible. Although their work is for others, +an element of personal gratification is present.</p> +<p>Personal gratification or self-indulgence is of course +inevitable; as it can even enter into grief and pain; but now and +then it is reduced to a minimum: as, I hold, in the latest +activities for her fellow-creatures in which my friend Mrs. Delta +has embarked.</p> +<p>During the War Mrs. Delta was indefatigable (I am not often sure +of my words, but I use this without a tremor of misgiving) in +promoting charities and collecting money to sustain them. At no +time of day was it safe to meet her, for you had to stand and +deliver. There were no privations due to the War which she was not +out to mollify or remove, and her ingenuity in discovering worthy +objects was uncanny.</p> +<p>As, however, War was raging and most people are, underneath, +kinder than not, she escaped very severe criticism and amassed some +good round sums. And, since all her various Funds had committees +and meetings and minutes, Mrs. Delta, although that may have been +only the least among her motives, was the recipient of certain +expressions of gratitude. Organised charity cannot elude votes of +thanks.</p> +<p>But that Mrs. Delta likes work for work's sake, apart altogether +from honeyed praises, is now beyond question, for the campaign she +has just inaugurated is unlikely to yield them.</p> +<p>"You must," she said to me yesterday, "give me something for my +new scheme."</p> +<p>"I hope I shall have enough strength of mind not to; but what is +it?"</p> +<p>"You have noticed in what a dreadful state so many of the shop +windows in London now are?" she asked.</p> +<p>"The iniquitous prices of the goods?"</p> +<p>"Oh, no; I didn't mean that. I mean the dropped letters. Where +they have glass letters stuck on, you know, and some have gone. +Surely you must have noticed?"</p> +<p>"Yes, of course," I replied; "but I thought the shop-keepers +were too lazy or careless to bother. The War has increased +carelessness, you know."</p> +<p>"No, it isn't that," she said. "The poor fellows are so +understaffed and overworked that they can't find time. My idea is +to raise a fund so that it can be done for them. My heart aches. +Only this morning I saw a barber's with ASH AND + RUSH UP on it; and a confectioner's"—she referred +to her notebook—"with ICE REAMS, and an +undertaker's with PINKING ONE ERE."</p> +<p>"What is pinking?" I asked. "I always wanted to know."</p> +<p>"And," she continued, again consulting her book, "a +tobacconist's with BEST OLDEN +VIRGIN , and a dentist's with +PA LESS EXTRACTION. Something really must be +done. Don't you agree?"</p> +<p>I murmured that there were other abuses that were possibly more +in need of immediate redress, but Mrs. Delta again turned to her +book.</p> +<p>"And a dairyman with FAMILIES + UP LIE , +and a stationer's with LUE LACK INK. Isn't +it distressing?—and so bad for growing children to see so +much slovenliness. And what can foreigners think of us? The +Americans, for instance, who are always so spick and span, +and—"</p> +<p>The means of rescue came to me in the shape, of a vast monster +on wheels, bright with yellow and scarlet, thundering over the +road. "That's my bus," I said, and ran.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page502" id="page502"></a>[pg +502]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/502.png"><img width="100%" src="images/502.png" alt= +"Father (to troublesome small boy). 'NOW LOOK HERE, TONY. I SHAN'T WARN YOU AGAIN. THE VERY NEXT TIME YOU MISBEHAVE YOU GO STRAIGHT UPSTAIRS TO BED." /> +</a> +<p><i>Father (to troublesome small boy</i>). "NOW LOOK HERE, TONY. +I SHAN'T WARN YOU AGAIN. THE VERY <i>NEXT</i> TIME YOU MISBEHAVE +YOU GO <i>STRAIGHT</i> UPSTAIRS TO BED."</p> +<p><i>Small Sister</i>. "AND THAT'S <i>THAT</i>. ISN'T IT, +DADDY?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THOSE DRESSES.</h2> +<p><i>(Being a Midsummer Night's Dream, or thereabouts.)</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>More gay than day and plumier</p> +<p class="i2">Than Birds of Paradise,</p> +<p>It was no Court Costumier</p> +<p class="i2">That made them look so nice;</p> +<p>No milliners nor drapers</p> +<p class="i2">On mortal business terms</p> +<p>Of those sweet modes were shapers,</p> +<p>Though several evening papers</p> +<p class="i2">Mention the actual firms.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But fairies wove that raiment</p> +<p class="i2">Of starshine and of flowers;</p> +<p>They asked no better payment,</p> +<p class="i2">They craved no shorter hours;</p> +<p>With eglantine and lilies</p> +<p class="i2">They worked a June night long,</p> +<p>And that is just where "Phyllis"</p> +<p>In "Ascot frocks and frillies"</p> +<p class="i2">Goes absolutely wrong.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>'Neath beech-tree and 'neath cedar,</p> +<p class="i2">In rings of moonlit green....</p> +<p>What bilge, you say, good reader?</p> +<p class="i2">My very dear old bean,</p> +<p>Think of the state of Prices,</p> +<p class="i2">Think of the slump in Trade,</p> +<p>Turn to the Paris Crisis,</p> +<p>Ponder the cost of ices</p> +<p class="i2">And buns and gingerade.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>New War-loans shriek for money;</p> +<p class="i2">All work is at an end;</p> +<p>It seems extremely funny</p> +<p class="i2">There's any cash to spend;</p> +<p>Yet still the tide of laces,</p> +<p class="i2">The foam of fluff and silk</p> +<p>Comes round in cardboard cases</p> +<p>To lots of people's places</p> +<p class="i2">As punctual as the milk.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>While, sworn to get revenge in,</p> +<p class="i2">And waiting at the door,</p> +<p>That grim three-handed engine</p> +<p class="i2">Prepares to strike once more,</p> +<p>Who built these gowns we mutely</p> +<p class="i2">Admire on lawn and lea?</p> +<p>Who bought them (think acutely),</p> +<p>With England absolutely</p> +<p class="i2">As broke as she can be?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Therefore I say the fabric</p> +<p class="i2">Was wrought of faery woof,</p> +<p>Not made in walls of drab brick</p> +<p class="i2">Nor won with mortal oof;</p> +<p>Delicate, dream-like, pretty</p> +<p class="i2">As sunshine after rain,</p> +<p>Worn by Miss Hodgson ("Kitty")—</p> +<p>It seems a dreadful pity</p> +<p class="i2">She spilled the iced champagne.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Therefore I say that, toiling</p> +<p class="i2">With wild white roses' bloom—</p> +<p>No printers' vats a-boiling</p> +<p class="i2">Nor labour of the loom—</p> +<p>With fern and foxglove chalice</p> +<p class="i2">On tiny feet or wings</p> +<p>Titania's elves made sallies,</p> +<p>And that's how Lady Alice</p> +<p class="i2">Had on those lovely things.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>EVOE.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>A Happy Thought.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"When the blessing had been pronounced and the bridal pair were +kneeling at the altar Dame Nellie Melba, wearing a blue dress and +hat, crept from the side chapel to the choir and to the joy of the +audience sang the pathetic 'Ave Maria' that Desdemona sings in the +last act of Verdi's <i>Othello</i> when she feels her predestined +doom approaching."—"<i>Evening Standard" on a Society +wedding</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Mr. Bottomley objects to By Jingo."</p> +<p><i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Yet in one or another of his "powerful" articles we seem to have +seen something like "Damn the Kaiser" and "To Hell with +Hindenburg."</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page503" id="page503"></a>[pg +503]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/503.png"><img width="100%" src="images/503.png" alt= +"THE PHILANDERER." /></a> +<h3>THE PHILANDERER.</h3> +<p>SINN FEIN. "BE MINE."</p> +<p>PRESIDENT WILSON. "I DO HOPE I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU TOO MUCH +ENCOURAGEMENT—BUT I CAN NEVER BE MORE THAN A BROTHER TO +YOU."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<!--page 504 Blank Page--> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page505" id="page505"></a>[pg +505]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/505.png"><img width="100%" src="images/505.png" alt= +"'OO's YER SWELL PAL, DIGGER?" /></a> +<p><i>First Australian</i>. "'OO's YER SWELL PAL, DIGGER?"</p> +<p><i>Second Ditto</i>. "I DUNNO HIS NAME, BUT I REMEMBER HIS FACE. +I GIVE HIM A BIT OF BACON JUST OUTSIDE ST. QUENTIN."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>WHY DRAG IN MRS. SIDDONS?</h3> +<blockquote> +<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—Nothing annoys me more than the assumption +that wit, learning, fancy, etc., were the monopoly of the past. For +example, a correspondent of one of our leading dailies has been +trotting out Mrs. SIDDONS' use of blank verse in familiar +conversation, and quoting from LOCKHART:—</p> +<p>"John Kemble's most familiar table-talk often flowed into blank +verse; and so indeed did his sister's [Mrs. Siddons']. Scott (who +was a capital mimic) often repeated her tragic exclamation to a +foot-boy during a dinner at Ashestiel—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>'You 've brought me water, boy,—I asked for beer!'</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Another time, dining with a Provost of Edinburgh, she +ejaculated, in answer to her host's apology for his <i>pièce +de résistance</i>—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>'Beef cannot be too salt for me, my lord.'"</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This is all very well, but just as good blank verse is commonly +used by eminent men and women to-day; indeed some of them excel in +impromptu rhymes. Thus in Mr. HAROLD WESTMORELAND'S interesting +volume, <i>Eavesdroppings</i>, there is this charming story of the +first meeting of Madame CLARA BUTT and Miss CARRIE TUBB. They were +introduced at a garden-party at Fulham, and Mr. WESTMORELAND +overheard the memorable quatrain in which Madame CLARA BUTT greeted +her sister-artist:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"In our names we 're alike</p> +<p class="i2">But in minstrelsy—ah no!</p> +<p>For I'm a contralto</p> +<p class="i2">And you're a soprano."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>To the same veracious chronicler I am indebted for a specimen of +the impromptus which Lord READING frequently throws off, to the +delight of his friends. Mr. WESTMORELAND was having a pair of boots +tried on at a famous Jermyn Street bootmaker's when Lord BEADING +was undergoing a similar ordeal, and electrified the courteous +assistant by observing:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"The right-foot boot to me seems rather tight;</p> +<p>The left, <i>per contra</i>, feels exactly right."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>But perhaps the finest exponent of the art is a famous General, +whose <i>obiter dicta</i> in verse are innumerable. I have only +space to quote one, spoken to a soldier with whom he had shaken +hands:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"You are the proudest man in France,</p> +<p class="i2">Or at any rate in Flanders,</p> +<p>For you've shaken hands, in a great advance,</p> +<p class="i2">With the greatest of Corps Commanders."</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Surely in the light of these examples, which might be +indefinitely multiplied, there is no need for the present to fear +comparison with the past in the sphere of conversational verse?</p> +<p>I am, dear Mr. Punch,</p> +<p>Yours faithfully,</p> +<p>NOSTRI TEMPORIS LAUDATOR.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h4>Culture in the Sty.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Yorkshire Pork Pies, possessing character and individuality, 5 +lb. Price, 15<i>s</i>.—<i>Daily Express</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"COLUMBUS OF THE AIR.</p> +<p>Captain Alcock's Story of his Great Atlantic +Flight."—<i>Dublin Evening Telegraph</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Would not Vimy-bus be better?</p> +<hr /> +<p>Slough Verdict: <i>Dulce est de-Cippenham in loco</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page506" id="page506"></a>[pg +506]</span> +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> +<p class="center">"THE CINDERELLA MAN."</p> +<p>The importation of theatrical sweet-stuff from America is of +course a growing industry. The latest consignment, <i>The +Cinderella Man</i>, first arrived in this country in the form of a +novel, and the difficulty it offered was that the struggling hero, +<i>Anthony Quintard</i>, whose fate depended, in the absence of +common-sense, on his winning a ten thousand dollar prize for an +opera libretto, seemed to me, from samples of his work exhibited, +to be an unlikely competitor. But I must say that when at the play +I saw our Mr. NARES in his garret sucking at his pipe in that +masterful manner and modifying what might so easily have been a too +sticky situation with a charmingly light touch, I began to think +better of <i>Anthony's</i> chances and therefore necessarily of Mr. +EDWARD CHILDS CARPENTER'S general idea. For the author obviously +may claim the credit of this reading, even if I harbour an +obstinate private suspicion that it was only by a very deliberate +and steadfast determination on the part of Mr. NARES as hero and +Mr. HOLMAN CLARK as matchmaker that this particular reading +prevailed.</p> +<p>Mr. CARPENTER doesn't believe in mystifications. He explains +everything with the completest candour in his first Act, from which +you gather that a millionaire's daughter, returning from Paris to +the immense stuffy New York mansion, is desperately lonely, and has +also cut herself free from an unsatisfactory affair of the heart; +that a young poet, a friend of the millionaire's sentimental +lawyer, is also lonely, living like <i>Cinderella</i> (isn't this +wrong?) in an attic next-door, proud as poor; that another friend +of the millionaire has offered a prize for a libretto. Having thus +put the rabbit, the bird-cage and the flowerpot into the hat in +front of you he proceeds in a leisurely manner to take them out +again.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/506.png"><img width="100%" src="images/506.png" alt= +"A Fairy Godmother (Miss RENÉE KELLY) reduced to tears by the unsusceptibility of her Godchild (MR. OWEN NARES)." /> +</a> +<p>A Fairy Godmother (Miss RENÉE KELLY) reduced to tears by +the unsusceptibility of her Godchild (MR. OWEN NARES).</p> +</div> +<p>The young millionairess, posing as a poor "companion," visits +the starveling poet <i>viâ</i> the snow-covered roof and the +attic window, bringing food, stoves, coverlets, wool to mend his +socks and ideas to mend his opera. Naturally here were +opportunities of unlimited business, during which <i>Marjorie</i> +(Miss RENÉE KELLY) looked perfectly sweet, as I heard more +than one ardent young lady declare to approving lieutenants.</p> +<p>Miss KELLY has indeed all the air of a heroine of honeyed +romance. In particular she played one episode, the trying over of a +new song, in a winningly natural manner. I found the way in which +she flapped her eyelids a subject of puzzled study. I have not +observed that maidens in real life indulge in these calisthenics. +This is perhaps as well; they are evidently very deadly. Within a +fortnight of their being brought into action poet <i>Quintard</i> +is in the <i>Kamerad</i> stage. Not <i>Anne Whitfield</i> herself +exhibits more explicitly the urgency of the life force, the will to +wed.</p> +<p>Mr. OWEN NARES, who has a following more than sufficient to +justify his recent assumption of management, gave a very attractive +and indeed, within the limits imposed by the piece, a distinguished +performance as the proud and hungry poet. An extreme naturalness of +pose and intonation, without over-stresses or affectations, +characterised this agreeable study. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, that finished +actor in the bland manner, very adroitly, as I have hinted, settled +the mood of the piece and made the good appear the better line and +the ordinary line good. Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE had a Valentine part +ready made. It would take more than an indisposition, which he +pluckily ignored, to put him off his stroke. Mr. TOM REYNOLDS was +effective as a maudlin serving-man who had once butled a real +gentleman and could never forget it. Miss ANNIE ESMOND gave a +depressingly clever rendering of a quite unbelievably appalling +landlady.</p> +<p>Altogether a pleasant wholesome evening's entertainment. Young +men and maidens of our day needn't hesitate to take their +parents.</p> +<p class="center">"ST. GEORGE AND THE DRAGONS."</p> +<p>There is much more of the substance of wit and truth in Mr. EDEN +PHILLPOTTS' "Devon comedy" at the Kingsway. The <i>St. George</i> +of the title is not the Cappadocian, but that somewhat irreverent +Father in God, <i>St. George Loftus</i>, Bishop of Exeter; the +dragons are two quite unsuitable suitors for the hands of +<i>Monica</i> and <i>Eva</i> (daughters of his dull old friend, +<i>Lord Sampford</i>), who don't believe in class distinctions. +<i>Monica's</i> young man is the son of a yeoman farmer, +personable, certainly, on horseback and of a blood older than the +<i>Sampfords'</i>, but an essential resilient, and altogether +impossible when playing the concertina or after mixing his drinks +(or both). <i>Eva's</i> follower is a brilliant raw young man from +Glasgow, recently ordained, with professional ambitions as +pronounced as his accent.</p> +<p>The parents try the now exploded method of direct opposition. +<i>St. George's</i> weapons are smooth words and a heart chokefull +of guile. Does his god-daughter <i>Monica</i> want to elope with +her yeoman? By all means let love have his sacred way. But his +lordship will contrive in the <i>rôle</i> of a strayed and +bogged fisherman to be at Stonelands Farm before the young couple +arrive <i>en route</i> for London and the registry-office, and he +will see to it that <i>Monica</i> learns what the daily life of a +working farmer is like, and what the beer (or bad champagne for +festal occasions) and rabbit pie in the kitchen; with sudden frank +explanations as to the imminence of the crisis in the interesting +condition of <i>Snowdrop</i> the Alderney; what, too, is the +Stonelands' notion of music and the dance, with Teddy's braying +concertina and cousin Unity's quavering treble and the ragged bass +and candid speech of old <i>Caunter</i>, the head man.... So much +for <i>Monica</i>.</p> +<p>And <i>Eva</i> thinks she wants to tie herself to this crude +Glaswegian. Well, here it will be best to insinuate to the young +man how unfortunate it is that the vacant chaplaincy to the Bishop +of Exeter is designed for a celibate, and to the young woman that +to marry so brilliant (and ingenuous) a youth is to hang a +millstone round his neck. For, after all, muses the prelate, +revealing dreadful depths of low cunning and perfidy, it's easier +to change a chaplain than a husband.</p> +<p>A thoroughly amusing affair. Of <span class="pagenum"><a name= +"page507" id="page507"></a>[pg 507]</span> course Mr. PHILLPOTTS +shirks his problem, <i>Teddy Copplestone</i> need not have been a +bounder (the odds indeed were against it), nor need his cigars, his +champagne or his music have been so bad. But then we should have +missed a diverting piece of fun and have been saddled with a solemn +problem-play unsuited to the (alleged) gaiety of the hour.</p> +<p>The general level of the playing was high, and, after a somewhat +nervous opening (and perhaps just a few affectations of the +fourth-wall school), the piece swung into a pleasant rhythm.</p> +<p>Mr. ERNEST THESIGER interprets with consummate ability Mr. +PHILLPOTTS' amusing and original creation, this puss-in-gaiters +Machiavelli, <i>St. George Exon</i>. Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY +(<i>Monica</i>), in the familiar <i>rôle</i> of beauty in +revolt, had an easy task, which she fulfilled very agreeably. Miss +ALBANESI (<i>Eva</i>) put brains and fire and (not at all a +negligible gift of the gods) precise enunciation into her work. Mr. +FEWLASS LLEWELLYN and Miss MARY BROUGH were quite delightful as old +<i>Copplestone</i> and his wife. Mr. CLAUDE KING as <i>Teddy +Copplestone</i> had perhaps the most difficult task, a part that by +no means played itself, but needed a sustained skill, duly +forthcoming. But I think the performance that pleased me most was +that of Miss EVELYN WALSH HALL, a name new to me, in the small part +of <i>Unity Copplestone</i>, played with a directness and sincerity +which was quite distinguished.</p> +<p>Let me add that the flapping of eyelids (to which I have +referred in my remarks on <i>The Cinderella Man</i>) is here also a +feature. One member of the cast (of my own sex, too) gave a display +of virtuosity in this <i>genre</i> which was technically +superb.</p> +<p>Two insignificant details of management caused me some +amusement. The solemn clang of a gong presaging doom as dire as +OEDIPUS'S (and incidentally inaudible to cigarette smokers in the +foyer) gives notice of the resumption of the play, while at the end +of the Acts the curtain flutters up and down at a feverish pace as +if the idea was to get in as many "calls" as possible before the +applause stops. Are we as guileless as all that, I wonder? And, +anyway, no such manoeuvre was necessary. The applause was hearty, +the laughter spontaneous, and anybody who cares for plays made and +played with brains should go and see this engaging piece.</p> +<p>T.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/507.png"><img width="100%" src="images/507.png" alt= +"WHERE ARE WE ALL OFF TO?" /></a> <i>Taxi-driver.</i> "WHERE ARE WE +ALL OFF TO?"</div> +<hr /> +<h4>The Spread of Democracy.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"The Earl of Loudoun, whose English seat it is, possesses eight +jeerages."—<i>Field</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"'Honour among thieves' is an old saying, but the pickpocket who +stole Lieut.-Commander Grieve's watch during his reception was an +exception to the rule."—<i>Illustrated Leicester +Chronicle</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<p>A correspondent asks us if there is any truth in the statement +that Peace will be signed in time for the Peace Celebrations. At +the moment of going to press it is still doubtful.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"NOTE.—The Swan used in this Production is supplied by the +well-known firm of Messrs. Swan and Edgar, Piccadilly Circus, +London."—<i>Programme of Shakespeare Theatre, +Liverpool</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We understand that the business is in the charge of Mr. EDGAR +during his partner's absence.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page508" id="page508"></a>[pg +508]</span> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p><i>Jinny the Carrier</i> (HEINEMANN) was, as Mr. ZANGWILL lets +us know in a felicitous epistle-dedicatory to an evidently charming +lady, designed as a "bland" and leisurely book, free from any trace +of war's horrors or modern perplexities, the sort you could read +comfortably with a sore throat on you. I think if I had not been in +such rude health I might have managed the five hundred and eighty +odd close-set pages without getting just a little tired of his +worthy Essex peasants of the time of the great Hyde Park +Exhibition. <i>Jinny</i> herself is a perfect darling, of real wit +and character, and her business as the local carrier gives a +plausible machinery for the introduction of an enormous number, a +truly Dickensian profusion, of subsidiary characters. <i>Jinny</i> +indeed is above criticism, but the trouble with many, indeed with +most, of the others, seemed to me to be their exaggerated +sprightliness of speech, just a little too clever to be credible +and not quite amusing enough to be palatable in large doses. To me +the real pleasure of the book comes from the author's craftsmanlike +use of words and the humour and imagination of his descriptions and +asides. But if I may be humbly candid beyond the custom of my trade +I must confess to an uncomfortable impression that sounder +qualities in the reviewer would have discovered greater qualities +in the work.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>I rather suspect Mrs. GERTRUDE ATHERTON of having written <i>The +Avalanche</i> (MURRAY) either for the amusement of exercise in an +unfamiliar medium, or, well, for any motive that might explain a +production certainly not quite up to her own standard. Its +publishers (who may be prejudiced) consider <i>The Avalanche</i> as +"a brilliant and engaging study of mystery and romance;" me it +impressed as a melodrama dependent on one long-heralded sensation, +which proves on tardy arrival an affair of disappointment. I +suppose I must be careful not to give away the mystery, such as it +is. <i>Price Rugler</i> was anxious to discover why his attractive +wife assumed a worried look when money was mentioned and fainted on +being told that she was not to wear the family ruby at a particular +masque. All this happened (you may not be astonished to hear) in +San Francisco, amongst that luxurious, idle, over-moneyed society +whose manners Mrs. ATHERTON knows and describes so well. +<i>Price</i> had already found out, with the assistance of a not +too brilliant detective, that his wife's mother derived her income +from a gambling saloon; the remaining problem was how to link up +this knowledge with the odd behaviour of <i>Mrs. Price</i>. Perhaps +you see it already. She had been—No, I said I wouldn't, and I +won't. Of course the discovery couldn't be called cheerful, though +it was fortunately made in time to prevent any great harm. But it +was nothing like an avalanche.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is much harder, I am afraid, to be a good Bengali than a good +Englishman. <i>Nikhil</i>, the Rajah of Sir RABINDRANATH TAGORE'S +<i>The Home and the World</i> (MACMILLAN), persists in treating +<i>Sandip Babu</i> (a convinced Nietzchean in philosophy and a +Nationalist of the most inflammable type) as an honoured guest of +his household, in spite of the fact that he differs from the fellow +profoundly on every conceivable topic and is well aware, moreover, +that <i>Sandip</i> is rapidly winning the heart of his Rani, +<i>Bimala</i>. <i>Nikhil</i>, you see, considers that "all +imposition of force is weakness," and that "only the weak dare not +be just." Most Westerners, I think, would have kicked the +rhapsodical and rather plausible agitator out-of-doors and felt all +the better for it from the boot-toe upwards. The real truth is that +the story, which is written in the form of a triple autobiography +(<i>Nikhil, Sandip</i> and <i>Bimala</i> all taking a hand at +telling it in turn) is an exposition of two views of Suadeshi, or +what may be called the Sinn Fein movement in India. <i>Nikhil</i> +is the apostle of "self-realisation" as a moral force; +<i>Sandip</i> believes in grabbing whatever you can. The latter +first deifies his country (<i>Bande Mataram,</i> or "Hail, Mother!" +is the Nationalist motto) and then identifies <i>Bimala</i> with +the object of his worship, which seems a very convenient theory. As +for <i>Bimala</i>, she wavers between the two. The romantic +interest of the book (which is, by the way, a translation) breaks +down rather badly when it becomes clear that <i>Sandip</i> is not +really a big enough man to make a complete conquest of the Rani; +but from every other point of view it is supremely interesting. And +if <i>Nikhil</i> might perhaps have been improved by a little less +force of character and more of shoe-leather, <i>Bimala</i>, at any +rate, is a delightful personage.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Even "KATHARINE TYNAN" must sometimes fall below her own +standard, and <i>The Man from Australia</i> (COLLINS), though +written with considerable grace and charm, is too thin in plot to +be altogether satisfactory. <i>John Darling</i>, a youngish man of +wealth and an extremely liberal disposition, came from Australia to +visit his connexions in the West of Ireland and—if +opportunities occurred—to help them. Opportunities did offer +themselves in abundance. The <i>Adairs</i> in their various ways +were ripe for a benefactor of the <i>Darling</i> type to appear, +and <i>John</i> soon got busy. In the course of his +activities—for it would have been unkind (and very dull) to +bring him all the way from Australia to Ireland just to serve as a +travelling relief-fund—he is made to fall in love with one of +the <i>Adair</i> girls. And that's almost the whole story. One may +always trust Mrs. HINKSON to get her atmosphere right; but she is +not so happy in her attempt to contrast the preternaturally +unselfish <i>Darling</i> who, like an earlier <i>Mr. Darling</i>, +would have been content to live in a kennel) with the inordinately +self-indulgent father of the <i>Adairs</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href= +"images/508.png"><img width="100%" src="images/508.png" alt= +"UNRECORDED HISTORY." /></a> +<h4>UNRECORDED HISTORY.</h4> +<p>INCONSIDERATE FLAPPER WAYLAYS KING JOHN ON HIS RETURN FROM +SIGNING MAGNA CARTA AT RUNNYMEDE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page509" id="page509"></a>[pg +509]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/509.png"><img width="100%" src="images/509.png" alt= +"EPILOGUE" /></a></div> +<h2>THE NEW ORDER OF THINGS.</h2> +<p>"I assume," said the Cynic, "that you are sufficiently sanguine +to rejoice in the prospects of Peace."</p> +<p>"I derive a certain satisfaction from those prospects," replied +Mr. Punch on a note of reserve.</p> +<p>"But you ought to be jazzing for joy, like the other fools in +their Paradise of nigger minstrelsy."</p> +<p>"My years excuse me from choric exercises," said the Sage. "And, +anyhow, it doesn't take me that way."</p> +<p>"Then you are not in the movement. You are not in touch with the +spiritual pulse of our throbbing Metropolis; you take no active +part in the New Life that is springing from the seed of England's +sacrifices. True, your years, as you say, are against you, however +well you wear them: it is to the young that we look first for signs +of the great Regeneration. And in particular we look to those who +are to be the mothers of that future race which should reap the +full harvest of our blood and tears.</p> +<p>"And what do we find?" continued the Cynic. "We find a contempt +for the old virtues of simplicity and reticence; we find the +distinction of sex wiped out, and with it all reverence and sense +of mystery. Nature is a back number with them; they must for ever +be plastering their noses with powder—not just privily, as +used to be the better way of faded charmers, but shamelessly in +public places. In dress they barely keep within the bounds of +decency prescribed by the police. They make their own advances, +rounding up and capturing their 'boys' for partners, lest the +haunts of jazzery should be closed against them. And in this +competition for their favours the good modest fellows who only a +little while ago were fighting our battles for us are now giving +themselves the airs of spoilt beauties. What do you make of all +this in your scheme of Renaissance?"</p> +<p>"I admit much of what you say," said Mr. Punch, "but I ascribe +it, in part at least, to a natural reaction from the strain and +horror of War."</p> +<p>"'Reaction'!" snorted the Cynic. "A very comfortable word. But +what were the sufferings from which they are 'reacting'? The loss, +you will say, of the flower of our chivalry in battle? Well, one +would think that might have steadied them. Is this what our manhood +died for—to make a British carnival?"</p> +<p>"I don't pretend to understand that side of it," said the Sage, +"but I know that during the War we respected the silence of their +grief; and I know that nature must choose its own way of recovering +from a loss and reasserting its claim to happiness. Remember, too, +that War must always have its demoralising features, however +splendid the cause for which you are fighting. 'Let us eat and +drink, for to-morrow we die,' says the soldier in his brief +intervals of release. And some of us at home went more than +half-way to meet him, imitating an attitude excusable in him but +not in us. And that attitude is bound to survive for a little time +the causes that induced <span class="pagenum"><a name="page510" id= +"page510"></a>[pg 510]</span> it. But you must not forget that many +of the type which you are now attacking did noble work in the War; +and they will do it again."</p> +<p>"That may be," said the Cynic; "but is it necessary to have an +orgy of <i>Carmagnole</i> in between?"</p> +<p>"I think perhaps it is like the case of a crew or a team going +out of training. They permit themselves a certain relaxation before +they start training for the next contest. But I think too that +there is something to be said for your reference to the +<i>Carmagnole</i>. We are passing through a phase of Revolution, +very natural after a great upheaval. The sense of freedom—the +very thing for which we have been fighting—is apt to turn the +heads of the young and thoughtless. There is a spirit of rebellion +in the air, which at its worst takes the form of Bolshevism, but +here is seen in a relatively harmless shape as a general revolt +against social restriction, a general passion for what is known as +'a good time.' In any case it is only a passing phase. Already +there are signs of a reaction from this reaction; of a return to +the decency of other days. They tell me, for a slight but +significant indication, that the waltz is coming back; that we may +even look to see a revival of the, minuet and pavane."</p> +<p>"Then it is just a question of a cycle of vogues? We are to be +swayed by recurring gusts of fashion, and not inspired by a fixed +ideal."</p> +<p>"Fashion counts with us, of course, for we are human and some of +us are feminine. There was a fashion of patriotism as there is now +a fashion of something that might easily be mistaken for its +opposite. But the range of its influence is largely confined to a +rather negligible element in London, the most provincial of +capitals. The Press—and notably the Photographic +Press—gives it a prominence out of all relation to its +importance. The great majority are untouched by it. They talk +little and they advertise less. But in a thousand quiet ways they +are setting themselves to make good."</p> +<p>"To make good money, you mean. Our world seems made up of +profiteers and of those who would be profiteers but can't, and so +abuse those who can. Can you name to me a period when there was a +wilder rush for wealth, or a more blatant display of luxury? +Sometimes I wish the War back; England was at her best when the +call for sacrifice came home to her. But how—we hear great +talk of Reconstruction, but I am reminded rather of the +Restoration."</p> +<p>"My friend," said the Sage, "I shall believe that this too is +only a temporary phase. Memory is not our strong point, but you can +perhaps throw back your mind to a year ago and recall how near we +came to the ruin of our hopes. Victory took us by surprise; and we +were less prepared for Peace at that moment than we ever had been +for War. And, just as in the first days of the fighting we went +astray, running after the cry, 'Business-as-usual,' so to-day we +are making as bad a mistake when we run after +'Pleasure-as-usual'—or rather more than usual. But we soon +revised that early error, and we shan't waste much time about +revising this. For though we lacked imagination then, and still +lack it, we have the gift, perhaps even more useful if less showy, +of common sense. And when common sense is found in natures that are +honest and hearts that are clean it may make mistakes, but not for +long.</p> +<p>"No, I am an optimist, and an incorrigible old fool, if you +like, but I am certain that the spirit which won the War is not +going to fail us at this second call. Perhaps we have only been +waiting for the actual consummation of Peace to settle down to our +new and greater task.</p> +<p>"And now I must excuse myself from further dialogue, having a +mission to perform in connection with this very task. I go to +distribute a corrective for some of the evils of Peace, as +indicated by you. My motor-lorry, stuffed with samples, awaits me +without."</p> +<p>"And what is the nature of your patent medicine?" said the +Cynic, very cynically.</p> +<p>"It is," replied Mr. Punch, very confidently but also very +modestly,—"it is a little thing of my own. It is, in fact; +my</p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/510.png"><img width="100%" src="images/510.png" alt= +"One Hundred and Fifty-Sixth Volume'." /></a></div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page511" id="page511"></a>[pg +511]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/511.png"><img width="100%" src="images/511.png" alt= +"INDEX" /></a></div> +<hr /> +<h2>Cartoons.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PARTRIDGE, BERNARD</p> +<p class="i2">Babes in the Wood (The) 25</p> +<p class="i2">Bear Turns (The) 443</p> +<p class="i2">Cinderella 183</p> +<p class="i2">Cramping his Style 283</p> +<p class="i2">"Dora" discomfited 63</p> +<p class="i2">Dove at Sea (The) 303</p> +<p class="i2">"Dry" Humour 123</p> +<p class="i2">England Expects 163</p> +<p class="i2">Faith Restored 463</p> +<p class="i2">First German Victory (The) 83</p> +<p class="i2">Foch-Terrier (The) 203</p> +<p class="i2">Germany Draws the Pen 383</p> +<p class="i2">Ghosts at Versailles 363</p> +<p class="i2">Giving Him Rope 143</p> +<p class="i2">Honour Satisfied 423</p> +<p class="i2">In the Subscription Lists 483</p> +<p class="i2">Irresistible Claim (An) 223</p> +<p class="i2">Loving Cup (The) 403</p> +<p class="i2">Military Muzzle (The) 343</p> +<p class="i2">1919 Model (The) 9</p> +<p class="i2">Overweighted 243</p> +<p class="i2">Peril Without (The) 263</p> +<p class="i2">Philanderer (The) 503</p> +<p class="i2">Progressive Weight-lifter (The) 103</p> +<p class="i2">Reckoning (The) 323</p> +<p class="i2">World's Desire (The) 43</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>RAVEN-HILL, L.</p> +<p class="i2">Another Threatened Industry 215</p> +<p class="i2">Army of Unoccupation (The) 275</p> +<p class="i2">Cautious Dictator (A) 375</p> +<p class="i2">Cheerful Pachyderm (The) 315</p> +<p class="i2">Dawn of Intelligence in Berlin 155</p> +<p class="i2">Distractions of an Indispensable 235</p> +<p class="i2">Easter Offering (The) 295</p> +<p class="i2">Finishing Touch (The) 475</p> +<p class="i2">Goose that Lays the Golden Eggs (The) 135</p> +<p class="i2">Great Renunciation (The) 415</p> +<p class="i2">Home from Home (A) 175</p> +<p class="i2">Imperial Preference 355</p> +<p class="i2">International Stakes (The) 435</p> +<p class="i2">Lost Ally (The) 75</p> +<p class="i2">New Commercial Traveller (The) 55</p> +<p class="i2">New Issue (The) 455</p> +<p class="i2">Order of Release (The) 95</p> +<p class="i2">Peace Queue (The) 395</p> +<p class="i2">Reconstruction; a New Year's Task 3</p> +<p class="i2">Redress Rehearsal (A) 495</p> +<p class="i2">Ruins of Empire 35</p> +<p class="i2">Spring Defensive (A) 255</p> +<p class="i2">Turn of the Tide (The) 195</p> +<p class="i2">Victim (The) 115</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>TOWNSEND, F. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Menace of May (The) 335</p> +<p class="i2">War Against the Public (The) 19</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>Articles.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ANDERSON, MAJOR GORDON</p> +<p class="i2">Mistress and Maid 262</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ARMSTRONG, H.</p> +<p class="i2">Labour Notes 449</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Rus in Urbe</i> 428</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BAIN, CAPT. B. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Cast 134</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BELL, ROBERT</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Autres Temps, Autres Moers</i> 54</p> +<p class="i2">Perfectly Unauthentic Anecdotes 234</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BERRY, H. W.</p> +<p class="i2">To an Egyptian Boy 24</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BIRD, CAPT. A. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Joshua 40</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BRETHERTON, CYRIL</p> +<p class="i2">Bolshevismus 346</p> +<p class="i2">Charivaria weekly</p> +<p class="i2">Coal 450</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Dulce Domum</i> 110</p> +<p class="i2">Patriot's Reward (The) 217</p> +<p class="i2">Songs of Innocence 432</p> +<p class="i2">To a dear Departed 138</p> +<p class="i2">To-day in the Food Garden 274</p> +<p class="i2">War-Dogs' Party (The) 65, 88</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BROWN, C. L. M.</p> +<p class="i2">Back to the Cam 374</p> +<p class="i2">Good-bye to the Auxiliary Patrol 154, 174</p> +<p class="i2">Rhymes of Rank 320</p> +<p class="i2">Tragedy of Over-Education (A) 58</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BROWN, J. B.</p> +<p class="i2">Contracts 148</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BURGE, M. R. K.</p> +<p class="i2">Small-Talk 318</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>BURROW, C. K.</p> +<p class="i2">Red Wine of the Country (The) 186</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CARTER, DESMOND</p> +<p class="i2">Bakerloonacy 407</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CHANDLER, MISS B. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Collaboration. 366</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>COWAN, M. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Blighty Impressions 80</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CRASTER, LIEUT. COL. J. E. E.</p> +<p class="i2">Edentulous Persons 114</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CRAWFORD, CAPT. L. I.</p> +<p class="i2">N.Y.D. 448</p> +<p class="i2">Propaganda in the Balkans 296</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>CUNDY, C. W.</p> +<p class="i2">"As You Were" 338</p> +<p class="i2">Balaam Stakes (The) 474</p> +<p class="i2">Error in Tactics (An) 456</p> +<p class="i2">Spring Ideal (A) 414</p> +<p class="i2">Tangled Triangle (A) 496</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DARMADY, CAPT. E. S.</p> +<p class="i2">Poet (The) 476</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DEANS, F. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Our Beauty Column 60</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DE BANZIE, ERIC</p> +<p class="i2">Spoil-Sport (The) 314</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DE STEIN, EDWARD</p> +<p class="i2">My Sergeant-Major-Domo 96</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DIXEY, H. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Early One Morning 86</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DRAKE, MAURICE</p> +<p class="i2">Diamond-cut-Diamond 408</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>DUKES, MAJOR A.</p> +<p class="i2">Pumpenheim 436</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ELIAS, FRANK</p> +<p class="i2">With the Red Guards. 321</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ELLIS, D. C.</p> +<p class="i2">Acute Angler (The) 136</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ENGLEMAN, S. E.</p> +<p class="i2">Tendencies 126</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FARJEON, MISS E.</p> +<p class="i2">Dancing demobilised 128</p> +<p class="i2">State Lotteries 190</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FENN, C. R.</p> +<p class="i2">Real Dalrymple (The) 96</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FOOTE, S. H. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Maternal Instinct (The) 280</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FOX-SMITH, MISS C.</p> +<p class="i2">Old Ships (The) 290</p> +<p class="i2">Rhyme of the "Rio Grande" 34</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE</p> +<p class="i2">Bird Lore 477, 499</p> +<p class="i2">Blue Hat (The) 316</p> +<p class="i2">Princess Charming 156</p> +<p class="i2">Royal Interview (A) 468</p> +<p class="i2">Trees and Fairies 74</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GARSTIN, CROSBIE</p> +<p class="i2">Hairies (The) 402</p> +<p class="i2">Mud Larks (The) 22, 68, 120, 156, 214, 260, 300, 360, +478</p> +<p class="i2">Old Soldiers 342</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GARVEY, MISS INA</p> +<p class="i2">Blanche's Letters 416</p> +<p class="i2">Tea-cup Twaddle 254</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GILLMAN, CAPT. W. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Career, (The) 54</p> +<p class="i2">Career (Postponed) (The) 318</p> +<p class="i2">Demobilisation Disaster (A) 20</p> +<p class="i2">Macedonia 286</p> +<p class="i2">Teaching Tommy 79</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GLASGOW, GEORGE</p> +<p class="i2">Embarrassment and the Lawyer 454</p> +<p class="i2">Game of the Telephone (The) 210</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GRAHAM, R. D. C.</p> +<p class="i2">Brighter Side of Peace (The). 294</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GRAVES, C. L.</p> +<p class="i2">Anti-Picadors (The) 5</p> +<p class="i2">Brains and Baldness 345</p> +<p class="i2">Celtic Counterblast (A) 366</p> +<p class="i2">Conscription of Brains (The) 467</p> +<p class="i2">Contra Appreciation (A) 139</p> +<p class="i2">Literary Gossip 308</p> +<p class="i2">More Musical Reconstruction 406</p> +<p class="i2">Musical Gossip 23</p> +<p class="i2">Musical Reconstruction 386</p> +<p class="i2">Need of our Times (The) 498</p> +<p class="i2">Passing of Greek (The) 298</p> +<p class="i2">Recognition à la mode 446</p> +<p class="i2">Renaissance (The) 429</p> +<p class="i2">Silly Seasoning 248</p> +<p class="i2">Test of Friendship (The) 208</p> +<p class="i2">To M. Georges Clemenceau 182</p> +<p class="i2">To the Speaker on his Re-election 117</p> +<p class="i2">Weary Titan (The) 41</p> +<p class="i2">Why drag in Mrs. Siddons? 505</p> +<p class="i2">Winchester's Opportunity 106</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GREENLAND, GEORGE</p> +<p class="i2">Going to the Bank 494</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>GUTHRIE, ANSTEY</p> +<p class="i2">Dogs' Delight 348</p> +<p class="i2">Treacherous Son (The) 420</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HEALY, LESLIE</p> +<p class="i2">Day (The) 410</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HERBERT, LIEUT. A. P., R.N.V.R.</p> +<p class="i2">Anniversary (The) 369</p> +<p class="i2">Another Crisis 102</p> +<p class="i2">Appointment (The) 122</p> +<p class="i2">Revolt (The) 349</p> +<p class="i2">Space Problem (The) 207</p> +<p class="i2">Spring Cleaning 377</p> +<p class="i2">Thoughts in Committee 62</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HODGE, H. S. V.</p> +<p class="i2">Chant Royal of Cricket 380</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HODGKINSON, T.</p> +<p class="i2">Cricket Bargain (A) 480</p> +<p class="i2">Plea for Proportion (A) 106</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HODGSON, CAPT. N.</p> +<p class="i2">To a Chinese Coolie 150</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HOLMES, CAPT. W. K.</p> +<p class="i2">Army of Entertainment, Ltd. 28</p> +<p class="i2">Art in the Arctic 490</p> +<p class="i2">Blanket Astray (The) 130</p> +<p class="i2">Murman Amenities 418</p> +<p class="i2">Murmansk Mosquito (The) 470</p> +<p class="i2">Spring Modes at Murmansk 380</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HOLT, R. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Local Colour 128</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HOPWOOD, REAR-ADMIRAL</p> +<p class="i2">New Navy (The) 60</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HUTCHINSON, H. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Fine Ear for the Haspirate (A) 80</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>HYSLOP, CAPT. A. F.</p> +<p class="i2">Last of His Race (The) 378</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>IMAGE, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2">Coal-Dust 160</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>IRVING, CAPT. L. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Tragedy of the Super-Patriot 257</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>IRWIN, FELIX</p> +<p class="i2">Mélisande's Point of View 438</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page512" id= +"page512"></a>[pg 512]</span> +<p>JAGGER, ARTHUR</p> +<p class="i2">Ptero-dactyls 202</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>JAY, THOMAS</p> +<p class="i2">Charivaria weekly</p> +<p class="i2">Midget (The) 166</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>JENKINS, ERNEST</p> +<p class="i2">Daily and Maily 97</p> +<p class="i2">New School (A) 85</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>KERR, S. P.</p> +<p class="i2">Counter-Revolutionary Collar 270</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>KIDD, ARTHUR</p> +<p class="i2">Drink of the Gods (The) 90</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>KILPATRICK, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Français tel que l'on le parle (Le)</i> +170</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Nouvelles de Paris</i> 140, 180, 220</p> +<p class="i2">Peace Terms 320</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>KNOX, CAPT. E. V.</p> +<p class="i2">New Arm (The) 422</p> +<p class="i2">Nomads (The) 398</p> +<p class="i2">Revanche 362</p> +<p class="i2">Those Dresses 502</p> +<p class="i2">Veges on Strike (The) 490</p> +<p class="i2">Waiting for the Spark 440</p> +<p class="i2">Way Out 390</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LANCASTER, G. B.</p> +<p class="i2">Our Bivvie 87</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LANGLEY, MAJOR F. O.</p> +<p class="i2">Career (A) 179</p> +<p class="i2">Watch Dogs (The) 10, 200</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LEHMANN, R. C.</p> +<p class="i2">Bablingo. 327</p> +<p class="i2">Consultation (A) 150</p> +<p class="i2">Criticism in Excelsis 310</p> +<p class="i2">End of the Volunteers (The) 70</p> +<p class="i2">Father Thames Talks 86</p> +<p class="i2">Hair Cutting and Dentistry 30</p> +<p class="i2">Hanwelliad (The) 270</p> +<p class="i2">Hardy Annual (A) 190</p> +<p class="i2">Laxity in Quotations 368</p> +<p class="i2">Milky Molar (The) 167</p> +<p class="i2">More Alleviations 390</p> +<p class="i2">Mrs. Bloggings's Statement 239</p> +<p class="i2">New Game (The) 50</p> +<p class="i2">Old Dog (An) 208</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LEWIS, M. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Boy (Second Class) 6</p> +<p class="i2">Business as Usual 442</p> +<p class="i2">Cross Country 500</p> +<p class="i2">Fearful Odds 322</p> +<p class="i2">More Reprisals 38</p> +<p class="i2">On the high C.'s 482</p> +<p class="i2">Patriot Pig (The) 116</p> +<p class="i2">Trump Suit (The) 180</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LIAS, A. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Necromancers (The) 36</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LIPSCOMB, CAPT. W. P.</p> +<p class="i2">How to throw off an Article 18</p> +<p class="i2">Lèse-Majesté 48</p> +<p class="i2">On the Rhine 196, 218, 276</p> +<p class="i2">Road to the Rhine (The) 76, 176</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LOCKER, W. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Essence of Parliament weekly during Session</p> +<p class="i2">Parliamentary Casualties 26</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LUCAS, E. V.</p> +<p class="i2">Alas! poor Panther 460</p> +<p class="i2">Another Historic Interview 2</p> +<p class="i2">Art of Leaving (The) 188</p> +<p class="i2">Beautiful Words (The) 168</p> +<p class="i2">"Botches" 288</p> +<p class="i2">C.K.S. and U.S.A. 388</p> +<p class="i2">Clear the Galleries 258</p> +<p class="i2">Crusader (A) 501</p> +<p class="i2">Dramatists to the Rescue 246</p> +<p class="i2">Expensive Amusement (An) 90</p> +<p class="i2">Great Cold-Cure Debate (The) 198</p> +<p class="i2">Our Friend the Fish 350</p> +<p class="i2">Reports 30</p> +<p class="i2">Romance while you wait 110</p> +<p class="i2">Roofs of the Mighty (The) 486</p> +<p class="i2">Transformation 56</p> +<p class="i2">Visionary Triumph (The) 440</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>LULHAM, HABBERTON</p> +<p class="i2">On the Safe Side 121</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MCMASTER, BRYCE</p> +<p class="i2">Ark (The) 158</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MARTIN, N. R.</p> +<p class="i2">Evicted 94</p> +<p class="i2">Novel Reconstruction 6</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MASON, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2">Rime Fairies 140</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MEEK, J.</p> +<p class="i2">Ballade of Approaching Baldness 459</p> +<p class="i2">In Memory of Dora 8</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MENZIES, G. K.</p> +<p class="i2">Cook (The) 382</p> +<p class="i2">Polly 310</p> +<p class="i2">Six-hour Day (The) 250</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>MILNE, A. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Arrival of Blackman's Warbler 356</p> +<p class="i2">Getting Out 74</p> +<p class="i2">Housing Question (The) 340</p> +<p class="i2">Perils of Reviewing (The) 400</p> +<p class="i2">To the Death 240</p> +<p class="i2">Two Visits (The) 160</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>NICHOLSON, R. T.</p> +<p class="i2">Capital Outlay (A) 396</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>NORRISS, CECIL</p> +<p class="i2">Bird Notes 439</p> +<p class="i2">Charivaria weekly</p> +<p class="i2">Germ (The) 368</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>OGILVIE, W. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Good-bye, Australians 36</p> +<p class="i2">Little Grey Water 462</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>OYLER, MISS MADELINE</p> +<p class="i2">Literary Options 142</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PARKES, J. W.</p> +<p class="i2">Demobilisation 162</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PAYNE, H. H.</p> +<p class="i2">Occupied Opera 201</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PHILLIPS, GORDON</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Après la Guerre</i> 100</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>POOLE, J. C.</p> +<p class="i2">Civil Education for Soldiers 108</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PRESTON-TEWART, A.</p> +<p class="i2">Another Pending Indemnity 488</p> +<p class="i2">Communications 370</p> +<p class="i2">Kismet 159</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>PRING, B. V.</p> +<p class="i2">Schloss Billet (The) 242</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>RIGBY, BEGINALD</p> +<p class="i2">Archaeologists (The) 480</p> +<p class="i2">Boom in Architecture (The) 26</p> +<p class="i2">Domestic Question Solved (The) 358</p> +<p class="i2">Gallery Play 236</p> +<p class="i2">Hints on Selecting an Aeroplane 458</p> +<p class="i2">Sporting Chance (A) 430</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ROACH, MISS M. E.</p> +<p class="i2">Brother Service (The) 8</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ROBERTS, E. L.</p> +<p class="i2">Delysious Details 220</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ROBINSON, J. P.</p> +<p class="i2">Linguist (The) 70</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>ROWAN-ROBINSON, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2">Daisy 230</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SALVIDGE, STANLEY</p> +<p class="i2">Pink Georgette 308</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SEAMAN, OWEN</p> +<p class="i2">America and Sinn Fein 494</p> +<p class="i2">At the Opera 267</p> +<p class="i2">At the Play 14, 228, 388, 410, 428, 488</p> +<p class="i2">Brest—Bucharest—Versailles 394</p> +<p class="i2">Cam Offensive (The). 134</p> +<p class="i2">Counter-Order of the Bath (The) 374</p> +<p class="i2">Hun as Idealist (The) 154</p> +<p class="i2">Letters to People I don't know 354</p> +<p class="i2">Monuments of the War 194</p> +<p class="i2">"<i>Mutabile Semper</i>" 314</p> +<p class="i2">New Order of Things (The) 509</p> +<p class="i2">Paying Game (A) 294</p> +<p class="i2">Peace at the Seaside 334</p> +<p class="i2">Preliminary Dove: its Prospects 234</p> +<p class="i2">Price of Freedom (The) 254</p> +<p class="i2"><i>The Times</i> as Peacemaker 274</p> +<p class="i2">Tonic of March (The) 174</p> +<p class="i2">To Peace, on her Celebrations 434</p> +<p class="i2">To Robert of the Force 454</p> +<p class="i2">Verdict of Democracy (The) 18</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SHAKESPEARE, CAPT. W. G.</p> +<p class="i2">Souvenir of Cologne (A) 314</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SHARPLES, HENRY</p> +<p class="i2">Ruling Passion (The) 434</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SMITH, JAMES</p> +<p class="i2">F. E. 56</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SOMERVILLE, MISS MAISIE</p> +<p class="i2">Humour's Labour Lost 460</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>STRUNSKY, SIMEON</p> +<p class="i2">Food Problem in Paris (The) 109</p> +<p class="i2">Guaranteed 12</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>STUART, MISS D. M.</p> +<p class="i2">Last Watch of the Night (The) 302</p> +<p class="i2">Swans of Ypres (The) 240</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SUMMERSGILL, J.</p> +<p class="i2">Getting a Job 279</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>SYMNS, J. M.</p> +<p class="i2">Songs of Simla 414, 440, 460, 474, 500</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>TALBOT, MISS ETHEL</p> +<p class="i2">Fairies' Flitting (The) 266</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>TAYLOUR, COMMANDER BASIL</p> +<p class="i2">Opium Hound (The) 47</p> +<p class="i2">Civilian Flying, 1930 336</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>THOROLD, R. A.</p> +<p class="i2">Lines to a Legionary 98</p> +<p class="i2">To a March Brown, swallowed alive 229</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>THORP, JOSEPH</p> +<p class="i2">At the Play 268, 350, 506</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>THURGOOD, OWEN</p> +<p class="i2">House-Hunter (The) 248</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>TROTTER, MRS.</p> +<p class="i2">Visitor (The) 78</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>UPTON, CAPT. C. F.</p> +<p class="i2">Beetle of Buda-Pesth (The) 394</p> +<p class="i2">Great Beard Mystery (The) 334</p> +<p class="i2">Tube Nightmare (A) 498</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>WHEELWRIGHT, J. E.</p> +<p class="i2">Frost and Thaw 146</p> +<p class="i2">Year's Reprisals (A) 328</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>WHITE, R. F.</p> +<p class="i2">Demobilised Daydreams 230</p> +<p class="i2">Pair of Military Gloves (A) 194</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>WHITMARSH, F. J.</p> +<p class="i2">Shady Tenant (A) 420</p> +<p class="i2">Truthful Traveller (The) 50</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>WODEHOUSE, E. A.</p> +<p class="i2">To an Unknown Colleague 1</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="i2">ACOCK, W. 372</p> +<p class="i2">ARMOUR, MAJOR G. D. 5, 151, 211</p> +<p class="i2">BATEMAN, H. M. 101, 181, 421, 498</p> +<p class="i2">BAUMER, LEWIS 15, 24, 39, 62, 81, 122, 142, 162, 182, +202, 222, 242, 282, 302, 321, 342, 382, 409, 422, 436, 462, 502</p> +<p class="i2">BELCHER, GEORGE 147, 485</p> +<p class="i2">BIRD, W. 10, 17, 86, 113, 132, 152, 153, 272, 273, +308, 313, 378, 432, 447, 481</p> +<p class="i2">BLAIKLEY, ERNEST 233</p> +<p class="i2">BRIGHTWELL, L. R. 329, 368, 406, 478</p> +<p class="i2">BROADHEAD, W. S. 351</p> +<p class="i2">BROCK, H. M. 4, 20, 97, 119, 137, 207, 238, 347, 369, +407</p> +<p class="i2">BROOK, RICARDO 12, 16, 26, 33, 52, 68, 88, 108, 148, +192, 210, 328, 346, 373</p> +<p class="i2">COTTRELL, T. 59, 212, 229</p> +<p class="i2">DIXON, GEORGE 470</p> +<p class="i2">DOWD, J. H. 51, 176, 206, 257, 358, 391, 453</p> +<p class="i2">DOWD, L. P. 293, 431</p> +<p class="i2">FERRIER, ARTHUR 129, 248, 318</p> +<p class="i2">"FOUGASSE" 281, 353, 376, 469</p> +<p class="i2">FRASER, P. 216, 252, 253, 319, 333,410,438, 448</p> +<p class="i2">GARRATT, ARTHUR 46, 91, 106, 218, 312</p> +<p class="i2">GARSTIN, MISS ALETHEA 219</p> +<p class="i2">GHILCHIK, D. L. 38</p> +<p class="i2">GRAVE, CHARLES 67, 109, 118, 179, 247, 297, 317, 393, +397, 473</p> +<p class="i2">HARRINGTON, J. W. 112</p> +<p class="i2">HARRISON, CHARLES 167, 418</p> +<p class="i2">HART, FRANK 198, 399</p> +<p class="i2">HASELDEN, W. K. 14, 228, 268, 388, 428, 488, 506</p> +<p class="i2">HOLLAND, G. C. 288</p> +<p class="i2">HORNE, A. E. 356, 377</p> +<p class="i2">HOWELLS, CAPTAIN W. A. 61</p> +<p class="i2">JENNIS, G. 49, 79, 171, 231, 309, 367 429, 459</p> +<p class="i2">LEETE, ALFRED 40</p> +<p class="i2">LEWIN, F. G. 133</p> +<p class="i2">LONGMIRE, G. 93</p> +<p class="i2">MCHUTCHON, J. F. 172, 413</p> +<p class="i2">MAY, FRED. 348</p> +<p class="i2">MILLS, A. WALLIS 11, 28, 65, 78, 139, 199, 241, 258, +278, 307, 327, 427, 451, 467, 479</p> +<p class="i2">MORELAND, ARTHUR 58, 136, 287, 338, 491</p> +<p class="i2">MORROW, EDWIN 332</p> +<p class="i2">MORROW, GEORGE 7, 29, 47, 72, 73, 87, 98, 127, 138, +169, 209, 232, 239, 259, 292, 381, 401, 412, 419, 452, 472, 492, +508</p> +<p class="i2">NORRIS, ARTHUR 507</p> +<p class="i2">PARTRIDGE, BERNARD 1</p> +<p class="i2">PEGRAM, FRED 262</p> +<p class="i2">PETT, NORMAN 32, 352, 392</p> +<p class="i2">PRANCE, BERTRAM 66, 433</p> +<p class="i2">RAVEN-HILL, L. 189, 510</p> +<p class="i2">REYNOLDS, FRANK 27, 57, 77, 99, 111, 117, 161, 177, +201, 213, 221, 249, 256, 277, 296, 316, 336, 357, 411, 441, 471, +476, 505</p> +<p class="i2">ROUNTREE, HARRY 486</p> +<p class="i2">SHEPARD, E. H. 41, 191, 251, 449, 458, 489</p> +<p class="i2">SHEPPERSON, C. A. 31, 45, 85, 105, 131, 168, 271, +291, 311, 349, 371, 461</p> +<p class="i2">STAMPA, G. L. 13, 21, 37, 71, 89, 107, 126, 141, 159, +217, 236, 269, 276, 298, 322, 339, 362, 379, 396, 416, 439, 466, +477, 501</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href= +"images/512.png"><img width="100%" src="images/512.png" alt= +"FINIS" /></a></div> +<p class="i2">THOMAS, BERT 178, 196, 267, 279, 299, 337, 341, 359, +387, 398, 426, 442, 456, 497</p> +<p class="i2">THOMPSON, A. 92</p> +<p class="i2">TOWNSEND, F. H. 8, 23, 42, 53, 69, 82, 102, 121, 125, +145, 146, 149, 157, 165, 173, 185, 188, 197, 205, 225, 226, 227, +237, 245, 246, 261, 265, 266, 285, 286, 289, 301, 305, 306, 325, +326, 331, 345, 361, 365, 366, 385, 386, 389, 402, 405, 417, 425, +437, 445, 446, 457, 465, 482, 496</p> +<p class="i2">WILSON, H. R. 158, 187, 193, 487, 499</p> +<p class="i2">WOOD, STARK 493</p> +<br clear="all" /> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, June 25, 1919, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH JUNE 25, 1919 *** + +***** This file should be named 11712-h.htm or 11712-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/1/11712/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, June 25, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 25, 2004 [EBook #11712] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH JUNE 25, 1919 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +June 25, 1919. + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A man has written to the papers offering to buy five thousand pounds of +Joy Loan if the Government will get him a case of whisky. The simple +fellow does not seem to realise that if the Government had anything as +valuable as a case of whisky it would not have to raise a loan. + + *** + +The successful trans-Atlantic flight and the large number of +public-houses in Galway threaten to make prohibition in U.S.A. nothing +less than a farce. + + *** + +Smoking, says a Church paper, is on the increase among boys. Boys will +be girls these days. + + *** + +Smoking and bad language seem to go together, says Professor GILBERT +MURRAY. In the case of some cheap cigars we have often seen them going +together. + + *** + +A bazaar has been held in Dublin for the purpose of securing a fresh +stock of wild animals for the Zoological Gardens. It is not believed, +however, that the popularity of Sinn Fein can be seriously challenged. + + *** + +"Serbia," says an Italian news agency, "is purchasing large quantities +of war material and aeroplanes." It is feared, however, that these +elaborate Peace preparations may yet turn out to be premature. + + *** + +Two German machine guns, it is stated, have been placed in a provincial +library. Even this, it is thought, will not prevent Mr. H.G. WELLS from +doing what he conceives to be his duty. + + *** + +Labour unrest is reported from Spitzbergen. There is also a rumour that +the Greenlanders are demanding the nationalization of blubber and a +180-day year. + + *** + +There is said to be some talk at Washington of the House of +Representatives inviting President WILSON to visit America shortly. + + *** + +A Chicago Girls' Club has decided that its members shall have nothing to +do with young men. It is certainly getting to be an effeminate habit. + + *** + +_The Daily Mail_ has presented a golden slipper for the actress with the +smallest feet. The slipper, we understand, is quite new and has never +been used on anybody. + + *** + +An American gentleman is about to offer for sale his corkscrew, or would +exchange for something useful. + + *** + +A very mean theft is reported from West Ealing. Not content with +stealing the loose silver a burglar is reported to have stolen the +muzzle from off the watch-dog. + + *** + +The New Cross Fire Brigade have been awarded a Challenge Cup for the +quickest work. This brigade is now open to book a few orders for fires +during August, when they have several open dates. + + *** + +We understand that a couple of young cheeses were kidnapped from a +Crouch Hill warehouse last week. + + *** + +It is a surprising fact, says a contemporary, that when LENIN was born +his parents were practically penniless. The greater mystery is that his +parents decided to keep him. + + *** + +A statistical expert has estimated that if all the questions asked by +Mr. SMILLIE at the Coal Commission's sittings were placed one before the +other they would lead to nowhere. + + *** + +Over one hundred posters illustrating the danger of house-flies have +been exhibited in the Enfield district. It is doubtful whether this will +have the desired effect, for it is well known that flies cannot read. + + *** + +The price of a first-class interment, says a contemporary, has risen +from L3 18s 0d. to L5 15s. 0d. The result is that many people +have decided to try to do without one this year. + + *** + +The arrival in England of a rare mosquito is reported by the +South-Eastern Union of Scientific Societies. It seems that the insect +had worked its passage to the British Museum. We think that a sharper +look-out should be kept on mosquitoes arriving at our ports. + + *** + +A painful episode is reported from Yarmouth. It appears that a visitor, +desirous of taking home a souvenir of his holiday, thoughtlessly filled +a bottle with sea water at low tide, with the result that just before +high tide the bottle burst, inflicting serious injuries on the +passengers in the railway carriage in which he was travelling. + + *** + +Out of nine applicants for the post of Language Master at a well-known +Public school, eight were proficient in at least five languages. +However, as the ninth man proved to be an ex-Sergeant-Major, the eight +immediately retired in his favour. + + *** + +We now hear that the question regarding the possession of +Kladizatiffagtaliofatoffka, in Poland, which has caused so much of the +delay at the Peace Conference, has been satisfactorily settled. The four +Big Powers are to have a couple of syllables each and the remaining +three will be raffled for. + + *** + +On account of the large number of robberies of safes that have taken +place in London during the last few weeks it is possible that an effort +will shortly be made to do away with these cumbersome articles in order +to stamp out the epidemic. + + *** + +The bacteriologist of the Oyster Merchants' and Planters' Association +claims to have discovered a means of purifying polluted mussels. To +ascertain if a mussel requires to be purified examine the whites of its +eyes. + + *** + +Newspapers have appeared again in Buenos Ayres. No other troubles are +anticipated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I'VE CALLED TO SEE IF YOU COULD MAKE A MINATURE OF ME."] + + * * * * * + +AMERICA AND SINN FEIN. + + [Being a Republican's apology for the recent anti-British agitation + in the States.] + + Oh, never let it mar the mutual love, + That now unites us eye to eye, + If, superficially, we seem to shove + Our fingers in your Irish pie-- + An action which, if you should so behave, + Would make old MONROE wriggle in his grave. + + How loath we are by nature to intrude + In things outside our own concern + Is witnessed by the European feud + In which we lately took a turn; + Ere WILSON'S mind was fixed to see you through it, + For years he wondered if he ought to do it. + + And, when for Ireland's good we intervene + In matters patently remote, + You must not count our loyalty less keen-- + We simply want the Irish vote; + 'Tis an election stunt, this lion-baiting, + Designed for local Kelts who need placating. + + So, when our Yankee delegates rehearse + Their tale of Erin's bitter woe, + Of crimes, almost too bad to quote in Erse, + Committed by the Saxon foe, + Please understand why our apparent bias is + In favour of these nimble Ananiases. + + And also why, for Ireland's dear, dear sake + (Meaning of course "Ourselves Alone"), + A lot of us would gladly let her take + Our WILSON for her very own, + To worship, like a god inside a tin fane, + As WOODROW ONE, First President of Sinn Fein. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +GOING TO THE BANK. + +She thought she had got a bargain. It was only marked "20/-," and would +have been double the price at any of the West-end places. So she whipped +out her Japanese note-case, paid for it, and carried it off like a +whirlwind lest the shopman should find he had made a mistake. + +But it was she who had made a mistake, and she broke the news to me at +breakfast on the following morning. + +Two of her one-pound notes (or, to be exact, _my_ one pound notes) must +have stuck together. She had paid the West-end price after all. + +Then, instead of blaming her own carelessness, as I should have done, +what must she do but attack Mr. LLOYD GEORGE? + +"It's all his fault, this horrid dirty paper-money... Spreading +infection wherever it goes!" + +It devolved upon me to defend the Government, which I did with some +heat, drawing forth another one-pound note casually, as though I were +made of them, and flourishing it in my hand. + +"And anyway," I argued, "Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is not to blame. The note does +not bear his signature, but that of Sir JOHN BRADBURY. And a fine bold +signature it is--why, it's dirt-cheap for the lesson in handwriting +alone." + +She did not appreciate that, because hers is a small scrabbed writing. +But I continued mercilessly-- + +"I bet he doesn't bite _his_ lips when he's signing his name." + +"Extremely bad writing, I should call it," she retorted. "Look, you +cannot tell where the '_u_' ends and the '_r_' begins." + +"But aside from that," I resumed (I was very proud of this expression, +having picked it up from President WILSON)--"aside from that, turn the +note over, feast your eyes on the picture of the Houses of Parliament. +It too is thrown in for nothing. This at least ought to appeal to you, +with your enthusiasm for Gothic architecture." + +If looks could annihilate, that would have been my last boiled egg. + +"You think yourself very clever," she said, "and you are supposed to +understand all about money matters. Surely you know of a bank where I +can take these wretched notes and get gold instead, the good old English +gold that was worth its face-value all the world over?" + +I did not know she could be so eloquent. I rose and went to the window. +It was a noble morning. + +"Yes," I said after a little reflection, "put on your best hat and +collect your paper-money. But try and pack it all into the kit-bag if +you possibly can." (She winced a little.) "I know a bank where you will +be able to get all the gold you want...." + * * * * * +Shoulder to shoulder we fought the good fight for the motor-bus. + +"Two to the Bank," I gasped. + +But it was at Charing Cross station I made her descend. She looked +extraordinarily mystified, and I explained that the Bank's country +branches are the only ones where gold is still to be had. + * * * * * +She and an empty milk-can and I were all that got out at the little +station in the hills. However, a cuckoo introduced himself boldly by +name. He seemed so near he might have been in the booking-office. But +the booking-office was deserted. + +"There can't possibly be a bank in this out-of-the-world place," she +protested. + +"Patience," I replied, leading her down a steep path between high thick +hedges to a small gateway. Through this we went, and I heard her draw in +her breath. + +From our feet, as it seemed, up to the blue sky itself, one golden +glowing bank of buttercups and cowslips... and cowslips. It was almost +like trying to gaze at the noonday sun. + +"There," I crowed, "you will be able to get all the gold you want. Did I +not say, 'I know a bank'?" + +She did a curious thing. She put her arms round my neck and kissed me. + +"Dear old Mr. Sententious," said she, "did you think you could take _me_ +in? I knew my _Midsummer Night's Dream_ by heart while you were still +discovering 'THE-HOG-IS-IN-THE-PIT'!" And she sang quite softly:-- + + "I know a bank where the wild thyme blows, + Where oxlips--" + +Though I was very angry at the way she had deceived me, I must admit +that her voice was not unpleasing. + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +The National Baby Week Council, which for many years has done admirable +work in promoting the Welfare of Infancy and Motherhood, is to hold its +annual "Week" from July 1st to 7th. Among other London celebrations a +Conference will be held at Kingsway Hall, under the Presidency of Dr. +ADDISON, on the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Applications for +admission (one guinea, to include proofs of papers to be read and a +copy of the Report; or ten shillings, without printed matter) should +be addressed to Miss HALFORD, Secretary, National Association for the +Prevention of Infant Mortality, 4 and 5 Tavistock Square, W.C.1. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REDRESS REHEARSAL. + +OUR MR. MONTAGU _(practising on dummy)._ "THE LATEST LINE IN WESTERN +HEAD-WEAR, SIR, AND, IF YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SAY SO, VERY BECOMING TO +YOU. THANK YOU, SIR, AND THE NEXT ARTICLE?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Son of the House (after being introduced to professor of +mathematics)._ "NOW WHAT SHALL I TALK TO YOU ABOUT?"] + + * * * * * + +A TANGLED TRIANGLE. + +The Patisserie Delarue et Salon de Consommations is situated just on the +edge of Europe. Being a place of extreme military importance I dare not +indicate its position with greater exactitude, but may go so far as to +say that it can be found by stepping off the boat, crossing the bridge +and then inquiring of the Military Police. Its importance is due to the +quality of its _creme eclairs_, which attract the gilded Staff in such +large numbers that the interior is usually suffused like an Eastern +sunset with a rich glow of red tabs and gilt braid. Within its walls +junior subalterns, now, alas, a rapidly diminishing species, dally +with insidious ices until their immature moustaches are pendulous with +lemon-flavoured icicles and their hair is whitened with sugared rime. + +There it was that Frederick discovered Percival feebly and mournfully +pecking at a vanilla ice. + +"Greeting, old Spartan," said he. "Training for the Murman coast?" + +"Would that I were!" replied Percival. "I'm refrigerating my sorrows. +I've tried to drown them, but they float; so I'm by way of freezing them +under." + +"Poor Perce!" murmured Frederick. "I suppose it's Cox again?" + +"_Au contraire_, I'm _his_ sorrow. My present trouble is that I've got +to find a wife." + +"Nothin' easier, old thing. Your photo in the illustrated papers, with +appropriate letterpress--" + +"You misunderstand me," interrupted Percival. "It's someone else's wife +I've got to find. _Ecoutez_. Teddy Roker has got permission for his wife +to visit him out here. He's expecting her by this afternoon's boat and +has got a billet fixed up all right, but he's been suddenly rushed away +on a court-martial case, so he's asked me to meet her, and I've never +seen her before." + +"But didn't he give you the specifications--kind of descriptive return?" + +"That's just it!" groaned Percival. "He was only married last leave, and +his description goes like a Shakspearean sonnet. I gather that I've got +to look out for a combination of _Titania_, GLADYS COOPER and HELEN OF +TROY. I tried to nail him down to externals, but he only went off into +another rhapsody. + +"'What does she wear?' I asked. + +"'Wear?' said he dreamily. 'Oh! beautifully draped garments nebulous as +summer clouds and filmy as gossamer webs. Nothing really definite.' + +"'That sounds probable enough, as the present fashions go,'" said I. + +"Seems to me," said Frederick, "that this is a case to refer to higher +authority. The sleuth-hound instinct of one Frederick is indicated. +Having absorbed the available data I will e'en amble round myself to +assist you." + +"There speaks my stout-hearted haricot!" said Percival. "But be +careful. Teddy won't like it if he gets the wrong wife. He made a point +of that. So in case we miss each other your instructions are briefly +these: you will meet what you honestly think to be Mrs. Roker outside +the Customs House, explain Teddy's absence, take her to his rooms at 10 +_bis_, Rue Dufay, make her comfortable and report to me here at 6.15." + +Punctually at 6.15 they met again in the Patisserie Delarue. Both were +radiant. + +"'Tis done!" said Percival proudly; "and without the assistance of the +puissant Frederick. At 5.0 o'clock I was outside the Customs House and +saw her looking round with an anxious eye. 'Mrs. Roker, I believe?' said +I. She confessed right away, so I rattled her off in a cab to 10 _bis_, +Rue Dufay, and left her there nibblin' biscuits and drinkin' tea as +happy as a flapper." + +"Percival," replied Frederick slowly, "for sheer imbecility you have +surpassed yourself. I myself met Mrs. Roker outside the Customs House +at 5.30, being detained _en route_. I took her to 10 _bis_, Rue Dufay, +where at the present moment she is partaking of coffee and chocolate +caramels. Shortly, no doubt, she will discover the spurious female that +you have decoyed thither and the First Act of a triangle drama will be +rung up." + +"By Jazz," exclaimed Percival, "I'd stake my gratuity on the genuineness +of my Mrs. Roker. She knows Teddy's favourite breakfast food." + +"No," said Frederick decidedly, "mine is the only authentic article. All +others are imitations. She knows dearest Edward's size in gloves." + +"Well, we can't both be right." + +"Did Teddy say anything about expecting _two_ wives?" asked Frederick +hopefully. + +"Idiot!" said Percival. "As I see the situation, one of us--presumably +you--will presently be the central figure in a court-martial or police +court on a charge of abducting an innocent female. The remaining reels +in the film will be devoted to Teddy chasing you with a 5.9 howitzer +for jeopardizing his connubial happiness. But these unhappy concluding +incidents may be averted if you return the wrongful lady to her rightful +owner before Teddy gets back. So we'll take the necessary action +immediately." + +"But which one are we going to discard if they both claim to be the +genuine Mrs. R.? Hadn't we better wait for Teddy? He'd be almost sure to +be able to decide." + +"You make me tired. It's got to be settled before he comes back." + +It was a brace of dejected subalterns that wended their way to 10 _bis_, +Rue Dufay. Percival knocked at the door of the drawing-room and in +response to an invitation they entered. A pretty and extremely composed +young lady greeted them. + +"_My_ wife!" said Percival and Frederick simultaneously. + +"Excuse me," said the lady with dignity; "the only husband I possess at +present is Mr. Roker." + +"What I mean to say is," explained Percival lamely, "that you are the +wife of Mr. Roker that I met at the Customs--I mean, Mr. Roker's wife +that--" + +"Me too!" broke in Frederick. + +"Well, that's easily explained," said the lady, addressing Percival. +"After you had kindly escorted me here I suddenly remembered that I had +left my keys at the Customs House. Feeling confident of finding my way +about I returned for them. On emerging I was claimed by your fascinating +friend who is at this moment engaged in winding up his monocle +[Frederick guiltily stowed it away in his fob pocket]. He seemed so +delighted at having discovered me that I hadn't the heart to explain +that I'd been found before. Of course I'm excessively grateful to both +of you--Oh, here's dear old Teddy at last!" + +During the scene of rapturous greeting that followed Frederick showed +that he indeed had his moments of inspiration. + +"What about a vanilla ice at the Patisserie Delarue, old bean?" said he +to Percival. + +And, unnoticed by the happy couple, they stole silently away. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady who has been handed the card of wife of new +baronet-profiteer)._ "ER--LET ME SEE. DO I KNOW LADY HOGGINS?" + +_Butler_. "YOUR LADYSHIP HAS NOT RECEIVED HER SINCE THE CREATION."] + + * * * * * + + "Surplus Government Property for sale:--Brass Islets."--_Disposal + Board "Surplus" Magazine_. + +But why is the geographical position of this alluring archipelago not +given? Is it for enemy reasons? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORCE OF HABIT--THE SCRUM HALF.] + + * * * * * + +THE NEED OF OUR TIMES. + + ["The modern world is badly in need of a Pindar. Alone of the poets, + Pindar could do justice to the exploits of the day."--_The Times._] + + "We're badly in need of a Pindar" + To fan in these tropical days + Our stock of emotional tinder + With gusts of tempestuous praise; + To foster the flame, not to check it + Or let it die suddenly down, + In honour of HAWKER and BECKETT, + Of ALCOCK and BROWN. + + We do not require a CATULLUS + (We've MASEFIELD and WAUGH and SASSOON) + Nor pastoral pipers to lull us + To rest with a sedative tune; + But the worship of beer and of Bacchus + In verses familiar and free + Might win for a latter-day FLACCUS + A Knighthood (B.E.). + + Bland VIRGIL'S beyond resurrection; + The voice of the moment is harsh; + The nightingale's golden perfection + Offends the young ravens of MARSH; + ARISTOPHANES, grossly facetious, + Is but a "compulsory" god, + And HOMER as well as LUCRETIUS + Too frequently nod. + + There's scope for the truculent passion + Of JUVENAL'S masculine muse + To flagellate folly and fashion + In dress and in manners and views; + But we've plenty of prophets and poets; + We've few who are sober and sane; + We don't want another DE BLOWITZ; + We want a DELANE. + + * * * * * + + "BETTER BEER ON THE HORIZON." + + _Daily Express_. + +A beer in the hand is worth ten on the horizon. + + * * * * * + +A TUBE NIGHTMARE. + +Have you ever dreamed a dream of a terrible tube journey, in which every +one of the appalling things which might happen does actually occur? I +dreamed one last night. + +The journey began with a disaster. On reaching the booking-office window +I could not find any money, and it was only when the waiting crowd +behind me, which had mounted to hundreds, was becoming offensively +hostile that I succeeded in producing a five-pound note. + +The booking-clerk took her own time to count out the change, and on +leaving the window I found four policemen struggling to keep back an +infuriated mob of people, all shrieking imprecations and asking for my +blood. + +There was but one thing for it--to get to a train before this angry +horde could secure its tickets; so I made a wild dash for the +moving-staircase, shedding Bradburys _en route_ like a paper-chase. + +As I rushed past the ticket-puncher she made a vicious lunge at my +out-stretched hand with an enormous pair of pincers, missing the ticket +and partially amputating my thumb. + +As I have always expected to do, but have never yet done, I missed +my footing at the top of the escalator, and my desire to outstrip my +enemies was realised beyond my wildest hopes as I crashed, by a series +of petrifying somersaults, down the entire flight, to be belched forth +like a sausage from a machine at the bottom. + +Tattered, torn and in unspeakable agony I picked myself up and found my +steering-gear so damaged that I could only move sideways, crab-fashion, +and in this manner I crawled on to the platform just as a train was +beginning its exit. + +I make a leap for it. The gates crash to! Am I inside them or out? +Neither. I am pinned there with the first half of my body struggling +inside the car while the second half protrudes over the fast-receding +platform. + +I remember how in my agony it flashed across my mind that I would never +again slay a wasp with my fork. + +I must have been pulled into the car just in time to stop the tunnel +(which is a dreadfully close fit) from bisecting me, for the next thing +I remember was being dropped into a corner seat and severely admonished +by the guard for getting into the train whilst it was in motion. + +I was now a quivering and shapeless mass; nobody pitied me, nobody +helped me, so loathsome a spectacle did I present. + +Of course the train passed my station, and at the next I was thrown out +like a mail-bag, to be trodden on by massed formations of travellers +fighting to enter and leave the car by the same door at the same time. + +When the multitudes had dispersed and I was alone, by superhuman efforts +I contrived to wriggle on my stomach to the foot of the ascending +stairway, but not having sufficient strength to wriggle off on arrival +at the top, my long-dreaded horror of being sucked under the barrier, +where moving stairways disappear, was realised. + +By now immune to pain, I regarded the next process (akin to being passed +through a mangle) as child's play. To my amazement, after a few minutes +amongst giant cog-wheels, I again found the light on the down-going +staircase, which precipitated me to the spot from which I had started. + +Having thrice performed this revolution, by which time I was as flat as +a pancake, I was eventually scraped off by a porter and upbraided for +joy-riding. + +Finding that those rebukes left me unmoved, for I was practically +lifeless, certainly boneless, and, to their horror, ticketless, they +folded me up and put me in a drawer pending the arrival of the police. + +I was still there when the dream mercifully stopped. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Cyclist_. "WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU DRIVE ON THE +PROPER SIDE OF THE ROAD?"] + + * * * * * + +BIRD-LORE. + +II.--PEACOCKS. + + Peacocks sweep the fairies' rooms; + They use their folded tails for brooms; + But fairy dust is brighter far + Than any mortal colours are; + And all about their tails it clings + In strange designs of rounds and rings; + And that is why they strut about + And proudly spread their feathers out. + + R.F. + * * * * * + + "Wanted.--Good stage electrician. No good stage electrician."--_The + Stage_. + +There ought to be no difficulty in finding the latter. + + * * * * * + +CROSS COUNTRY. + +A Commander in the Senior Service is the man who gets things done; and +long experience has formulated for him a golden rule: "If you want to +get things done you must _see_ them done." This laudable maxim +applies in a lesser degree to all his subordinates, right down to the +newly-joined boy, who can't very well help seeing _some_ things done, +unless he makes a habit of working with his eyes shut--a practice which +does not appeal particularly to P.O.'s. + +The Commander of His Majesty's Battleship _Ermyntrude_ is far from being +an exception to the rule; he is a martyr to it. So are his officers. In +their enthusiasm they have let the rule run riot. You will soon see that +for yourself. + +The idea germinated in the practical head of the gunner. It pushed its +way into the upper air under the plain cap of the A.P. It budded under +the (slighted tilted) head-dress of Number One, and blossomed forth into +a full-blown project under the gilded oak-leaves that thatch the Bloke. + +He said, "The ship's company will run across country." + +The ship's company girded up its loins and awaited further orders. + +The course was decided upon. It ran from the signalling station on the +south of the island straight to the town on the north. There was no +possibility of making a mistake, because you could see the semaphore +from anywhere, and you would know when you got to the town because the +road stopped there. The various divisions of the ship were to compete +against each other. If you came in first you were to be given a ticket +numbered "one"; if second, a ticket numbered "two," and so on; and the +division which had the smallest total of pips at the end would be the +winner. + +At 8.15 the ship's pinnace landed the gunner on the town jetty at the +north end of the island. He had come to deal with the competitors when +they arrived at the winning-post. He had brought with him the bo'sun and +the carpenter, his own mate, the bo'sun's mate and the carpenter's +mate, four P.O.'s, the sergeant of Marines, a few leading stokers and +half-a-dozen hands; fifty fathoms of hawser-laid four-inch white rope; +six stout stakes (ash); bags, canvas, twelve (one to collect the tickets +earned by each division); and one thousand eight hundred tickets, +numbered from one to one thousand eight hundred. (There were only six +hundred and fifty runners, but it is well to be on the safe side.) + +He dug his stakes into the ground in a V-shaped formation just beyond +the place where the road ended and almost opposite the first cottage. +Further north he posted his canvas bags, which he fixed at a convenient +height above the ground by depending them from the necks of his +subordinates. He then rigged his rope around the stakes in such a way +that the runners, entering the wide end of the V, would be shepherded +one by one through a narrow aperture at the bottom, thus avoiding all +suspicion of overcrowding in giving out the tickets. He explained his +plan of campaign to his party and took up his post at the foot of the V. + +Scarcely had he done so when the A.P. appeared upon the scene. He had +brought with him a few friends--a couple of subs, two or three senior +snotties and the Captain's secretary, a brace of stewards with the +luncheon baskets, and the cutter's crew, who carried between them two +large trellis-work screens which the carpenter had knocked up for him. + +He passed the time of day with the gunner, marched fifty yards further +down towards the starting-point and had his screens deposited in the +middle of the road, in such a way that several could enter one end of +the enclosure they formed, but only one at a time could go out at the +other; this, he explained, would enable the men to pass the winning-post +in single file. He then lit a cigarette and took his stand at the narrow +end, producing from his pocket seven hundred and fifty neat red tickets +(numbered from one to seven hundred and fifty) which the chief writer +had made out for him the night before. + +At 8.45 Number One arrived. To help him he had brought a couple of +watch-keepers, a surgeon, three engineers, a naval instructor and the +captain of Marines. He only paused to borrow one side of the gunner's V +and all but forty of the A.P.'s tickets, and passed on down the road. +When he had reached a suitable point about a hundred yards south of the +A.P. he had the purloined rope stretched slantwise, in such a way that +the only means of passing it was a little passage a yard wide between +the rope and the ditch on the right of the road. A little nearer still +to the starting-point he had a large placard erected with the words +"Keep to the Right" painted on it. + +Punctually at 9.0 the Commander arrived with a piece of string and the +P.M.O. They took up their stand one on each side of the road opposite +the placard. The Bloke produced a small gold pencil, but, as he had +forgotten to bring any paper, he commandeered the placard and began +feverishly to write down all the numbers he could think of from one to +six hundred and fifty. + +You are no doubt anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Owner at 9.15. +Well, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. Still, although he did not come +in person, yet he made his presence felt, as every good skipper should. +At 9.15, as the ship's company were lining up for the start by the +semaphore, he made the signal from the ship:-- + +"Sailing at 13.30. Return immediately." + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF SIMLA. + +V.--PELITI'S. + + I troll you no song that will hinder you long, + I pen you no ponderous treatise, + The theme that I sing is a gossamer thing + As light as the cakes at PELITI'S. + + Grey roofs mid the pines and a heaven that shines + As blue as the water where Crete is, + The malachite green of a misty ravine, + That's the balcony view at PELITI'S. + + There are mortals, may be, who abominate tea + (One's poison another man's meat is), + Who shy at the touch of a crumpet--for such + There is music and love at PELITI'S. + + See that G.S.O.2 with the lady in blue; + Has she noticed where one of his feet is, + Or the issue that hangs on the plate of meringues + Which he buys her each day at PELITI'S? + + Here the rulers of Ind, from the Salween to Sind, + Take their ices and wafers (MCVITIE'S) + And elaborate schemes over chocolate creams + At five-o'clock tea at PELITI'S. + + And I think, when we die and the wraiths of us fly + To that peace which depends not on treaties, + The joys which we find will but serve to remind + Of the hours that we spent at PELITI'S. + + J.M.S. + + * * * * * + + "Thomas ---- was fined L5 Lat LOswestry yesterday for selling goods + to a German prisoner. + + The chairman said defendant had sold goods to the value of 11s, + 1-1/2d. Where the German had got that large sum of money from was + quite a mystery."--_Daily Paper_. + +It seems pretty evident from the report that there was a good deal of +money about somewhere. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I'M TOLD SHE'S ALWAYS WRITING TO HER DRESSMAKER ABOUT +NEW FROCKS." + +"I SUPPOSE SHE ENCLOSED A STAMPED AND ADDRESSED ENVELOPE FOR THAT ONE."] + + * * * * * + +A CRUSADER. + +One hears sometimes of pure altruists, but on analysing their purity an +alloy is perceptible. Although their work is for others, an element of +personal gratification is present. + +Personal gratification or self-indulgence is of course inevitable; as it +can even enter into grief and pain; but now and then it is reduced to a +minimum: as, I hold, in the latest activities for her fellow-creatures +in which my friend Mrs. Delta has embarked. + +During the War Mrs. Delta was indefatigable (I am not often sure of +my words, but I use this without a tremor of misgiving) in promoting +charities and collecting money to sustain them. At no time of day was +it safe to meet her, for you had to stand and deliver. There were no +privations due to the War which she was not out to mollify or remove, +and her ingenuity in discovering worthy objects was uncanny. + +As, however, War was raging and most people are, underneath, kinder than +not, she escaped very severe criticism and amassed some good round +sums. And, since all her various Funds had committees and meetings and +minutes, Mrs. Delta, although that may have been only the least among +her motives, was the recipient of certain expressions of gratitude. +Organised charity cannot elude votes of thanks. + +But that Mrs. Delta likes work for work's sake, apart altogether from +honeyed praises, is now beyond question, for the campaign she has just +inaugurated is unlikely to yield them. + +"You must," she said to me yesterday, "give me something for my new +scheme." + +"I hope I shall have enough strength of mind not to; but what is it?" + +"You have noticed in what a dreadful state so many of the shop windows +in London now are?" she asked. + +"The iniquitous prices of the goods?" + +"Oh, no; I didn't mean that. I mean the dropped letters. Where they have +glass letters stuck on, you know, and some have gone. Surely you must +have noticed?" + +"Yes, of course," I replied; "but I thought the shop-keepers were too +lazy or careless to bother. The War has increased carelessness, you +know." + +"No, it isn't that," she said. "The poor fellows are so understaffed and +overworked that they can't find time. My idea is to raise a fund so +that it can be done for them. My heart aches. Only this morning I saw a +barber's with ASH AND RUSH UP on it; and a confectioner's"--she referred +to her notebook--"with ICE REAMS, and an undertaker's with PINKING ONE + ERE." + +"What is pinking?" I asked. "I always wanted to know." + +"And," she continued, again consulting her book, "a tobacconist's with +BEST OLDEN VIRGIN , and a dentist's with PA LESS EXTRACTION. Something +really must be done. Don't you agree?" + +I murmured that there were other abuses that were possibly more in need +of immediate redress, but Mrs. Delta again turned to her book. + +"And a dairyman with FAMILIES UP LIE , and a stationer's with LUE LACK +INK. Isn't it distressing?--and so bad for growing children to see so +much slovenliness. And what can foreigners think of us? The Americans, +for instance, who are always so spick and span, and--" + +The means of rescue came to me in the shape, of a vast monster on +wheels, bright with yellow and scarlet, thundering over the road. +"That's my bus," I said, and ran. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father (to troublesome small boy_). "NOW LOOK HERE, +TONY. I SHAN'T WARN YOU AGAIN. THE VERY _NEXT_ TIME YOU MISBEHAVE YOU +GO _STRAIGHT_ UPSTAIRS TO BED." + +_Small Sister_. "AND THAT'S _THAT_. ISN'T IT, DADDY?"] + + * * * * * + +THOSE DRESSES. + +_(Being a Midsummer Night's Dream, or thereabouts.)_ + + More gay than day and plumier + Than Birds of Paradise, + It was no Court Costumier + That made them look so nice; + No milliners nor drapers + On mortal business terms + Of those sweet modes were shapers, + Though several evening papers + Mention the actual firms. + + But fairies wove that raiment + Of starshine and of flowers; + They asked no better payment, + They craved no shorter hours; + With eglantine and lilies + They worked a June night long, + And that is just where "Phyllis" + In "Ascot frocks and frillies" + Goes absolutely wrong. + + 'Neath beech-tree and 'neath cedar, + In rings of moonlit green.... + What bilge, you say, good reader? + My very dear old bean, + Think of the state of Prices, + Think of the slump in Trade, + Turn to the Paris Crisis, + Ponder the cost of ices + And buns and gingerade. + + New War-loans shriek for money; + All work is at an end; + It seems extremely funny + There's any cash to spend; + Yet still the tide of laces, + The foam of fluff and silk + Comes round in cardboard cases + To lots of people's places + As punctual as the milk. + + While, sworn to get revenge in, + And waiting at the door, + That grim three-handed engine + Prepares to strike once more, + Who built these gowns we mutely + Admire on lawn and lea? + Who bought them (think acutely), + With England absolutely + As broke as she can be? + + Therefore I say the fabric + Was wrought of faery woof, + Not made in walls of drab brick + Nor won with mortal oof; + Delicate, dream-like, pretty + As sunshine after rain, + Worn by Miss Hodgson ("Kitty")-- + It seems a dreadful pity + She spilled the iced champagne. + + Therefore I say that, toiling + With wild white roses' bloom-- + No printers' vats a-boiling + Nor labour of the loom-- + With fern and foxglove chalice + On tiny feet or wings + Titania's elves made sallies, + And that's how Lady Alice + Had on those lovely things. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +A HAPPY THOUGHT. + + "When the blessing had been pronounced and the bridal pair were + kneeling at the altar Dame Nellie Melba, wearing a blue dress and + hat, crept from the side chapel to the choir and to the joy of the + audience sang the pathetic 'Ave Maria' that Desdemona sings in the + last act of Verdi's _Othello_ when she feels her predestined doom + approaching."--"_Evening Standard" on a Society wedding_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Bottomley objects to By Jingo." + + _Daily Paper_. + +Yet in one or another of his "powerful" articles we seem to have seen +something like "Damn the Kaiser" and "To Hell with Hindenburg." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PHILANDERER. + +SINN FEIN. "BE MINE." + +PRESIDENT WILSON. "I DO HOPE I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU TOO MUCH +ENCOURAGEMENT--BUT I CAN NEVER BE MORE THAN A BROTHER TO YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Australian_. "'OO's YER SWELL PAL, +DIGGER?" + +_Second Ditto_. "I DUNNO HIS NAME, BUT I REMEMBER HIS FACE. I GIVE HIM A +BIT OF BACON JUST OUTSIDE ST. QUENTIN."] + + * * * * * + +WHY DRAG IN MRS. SIDDONS? + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Nothing annoys me more than the assumption that +wit, learning, fancy, etc., were the monopoly of the past. For +example, a correspondent of one of our leading dailies has +been trotting out Mrs. SIDDONS' use of blank verse in familiar +conversation, and quoting from LOCKHART:-- + +"John Kemble's most familiar table-talk often flowed into blank +verse; and so indeed did his sister's [Mrs. Siddons']. Scott (who +was a capital mimic) often repeated her tragic exclamation to a +foot-boy during a dinner at Ashestiel-- + + 'You 've brought me water, boy,--I asked for beer!' + +Another time, dining with a Provost of Edinburgh, she ejaculated, in +answer to her host's apology for his _piece de resistance_-- + + 'Beef cannot be too salt for me, my lord.'" + +This is all very well, but just as good blank verse is commonly used by +eminent men and women to-day; indeed some of them excel in impromptu +rhymes. Thus in Mr. HAROLD WESTMORELAND'S interesting volume, +_Eavesdroppings_, there is this charming story of the first meeting +of Madame CLARA BUTT and Miss CARRIE TUBB. They were introduced at a +garden-party at Fulham, and Mr. WESTMORELAND overheard the memorable +quatrain in which Madame CLARA BUTT greeted her sister-artist:-- + + "In our names we 're alike + But in minstrelsy--ah no! + For I'm a contralto + And you're a soprano." + +To the same veracious chronicler I am indebted for a specimen of the +impromptus which Lord READING frequently throws off, to the delight of +his friends. Mr. WESTMORELAND was having a pair of boots tried on at +a famous Jermyn Street bootmaker's when Lord BEADING was undergoing a +similar ordeal, and electrified the courteous assistant by observing:-- + + "The right-foot boot to me seems rather tight; + The left, _per contra_, feels exactly right." + +But perhaps the finest exponent of the art is a famous General, whose +_obiter dicta_ in verse are innumerable. I have only space to quote one, +spoken to a soldier with whom he had shaken hands:-- + + "You are the proudest man in France, + Or at any rate in Flanders, + For you've shaken hands, in a great advance, + With the greatest of Corps Commanders." + +Surely in the light of these examples, which might be indefinitely +multiplied, there is no need for the present to fear comparison with the +past in the sphere of conversational verse? + +I am, dear Mr. Punch, + +Yours faithfully, + +NOSTRI TEMPORIS LAUDATOR. + + * * * * * + +CULTURE IN THE STY. + + "Yorkshire Pork Pies, possessing character and individuality, 5 lb. + Price, 15s.--_Daily Express_. + + * * * * * + + "COLUMBUS OF THE AIR. + + Captain Alcock's Story of his Great Atlantic Flight."--_Dublin + Evening Telegraph_. + +Would not Vimy-bus be better? + + * * * * * + +Slough Verdict: _Dulce est de-Cippenham in loco_. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE CINDERELLA MAN." + +The importation of theatrical sweet-stuff from America is of course a +growing industry. The latest consignment, _The Cinderella Man_, first +arrived in this country in the form of a novel, and the difficulty it +offered was that the struggling hero, _Anthony Quintard_, whose fate +depended, in the absence of common-sense, on his winning a ten thousand +dollar prize for an opera libretto, seemed to me, from samples of his +work exhibited, to be an unlikely competitor. But I must say that when +at the play I saw our Mr. NARES in his garret sucking at his pipe in +that masterful manner and modifying what might so easily have been a too +sticky situation with a charmingly light touch, I began to think better +of _Anthony's_ chances and therefore necessarily of Mr. EDWARD CHILDS +CARPENTER'S general idea. For the author obviously may claim the credit +of this reading, even if I harbour an obstinate private suspicion that +it was only by a very deliberate and steadfast determination on the +part of Mr. NARES as hero and Mr. HOLMAN CLARK as matchmaker that this +particular reading prevailed. + +Mr. CARPENTER doesn't believe in mystifications. He explains everything +with the completest candour in his first Act, from which you gather that +a millionaire's daughter, returning from Paris to the immense stuffy New +York mansion, is desperately lonely, and has also cut herself free from +an unsatisfactory affair of the heart; that a young poet, a friend +of the millionaire's sentimental lawyer, is also lonely, living like +_Cinderella_ (isn't this wrong?) in an attic next-door, proud as poor; +that another friend of the millionaire has offered a prize for a +libretto. Having thus put the rabbit, the bird-cage and the flowerpot +into the hat in front of you he proceeds in a leisurely manner to take +them out again. + +The young millionairess, posing as a poor "companion," visits the +starveling poet _via_ the snow-covered roof and the attic window, +bringing food, stoves, coverlets, wool to mend his socks and ideas to +mend his opera. Naturally here were opportunities of unlimited business, +during which _Marjorie_ (Miss RENEE KELLY) looked perfectly sweet, as I +heard more than one ardent young lady declare to approving lieutenants. + +Miss KELLY has indeed all the air of a heroine of honeyed romance. In +particular she played one episode, the trying over of a new song, in +a winningly natural manner. I found the way in which she flapped her +eyelids a subject of puzzled study. I have not observed that maidens in +real life indulge in these calisthenics. This is perhaps as well; they +are evidently very deadly. Within a fortnight of their being brought +into action poet _Quintard_ is in the _Kamerad_ stage. Not _Anne +Whitfield_ herself exhibits more explicitly the urgency of the life +force, the will to wed. + +Mr. OWEN NARES, who has a following more than sufficient to justify his +recent assumption of management, gave a very attractive and indeed, +within the limits imposed by the piece, a distinguished performance +as the proud and hungry poet. An extreme naturalness of pose and +intonation, without over-stresses or affectations, characterised this +agreeable study. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, that finished actor in the bland +manner, very adroitly, as I have hinted, settled the mood of the piece +and made the good appear the better line and the ordinary line good. Mr. +SYDNEY VALENTINE had a Valentine part ready made. It would take more +than an indisposition, which he pluckily ignored, to put him off his +stroke. Mr. TOM REYNOLDS was effective as a maudlin serving-man who +had once butled a real gentleman and could never forget it. Miss ANNIE +ESMOND gave a depressingly clever rendering of a quite unbelievably +appalling landlady. + +[Illustration: A Fairy Godmother (Miss RENEE KELLY) reduced to tears by +the unsusceptibility of her Godchild (MR. OWEN NARES).] + +Altogether a pleasant wholesome evening's entertainment. Young men and +maidens of our day needn't hesitate to take their parents. + + +"ST. GEORGE AND THE DRAGONS." + +There is much more of the substance of wit and truth in Mr. EDEN +PHILLPOTTS' "Devon comedy" at the Kingsway. The _St. George_ of the +title is not the Cappadocian, but that somewhat irreverent Father in +God, _St. George Loftus_, Bishop of Exeter; the dragons are two quite +unsuitable suitors for the hands of _Monica_ and _Eva_ (daughters of +his dull old friend, _Lord Sampford_), who don't believe in class +distinctions. _Monica's_ young man is the son of a yeoman farmer, +personable, certainly, on horseback and of a blood older than the +_Sampfords'_, but an essential resilient, and altogether impossible when +playing the concertina or after mixing his drinks (or both). _Eva's_ +follower is a brilliant raw young man from Glasgow, recently ordained, +with professional ambitions as pronounced as his accent. + +The parents try the now exploded method of direct opposition. _St. +George's_ weapons are smooth words and a heart chokefull of guile. Does +his god-daughter _Monica_ want to elope with her yeoman? By all means +let love have his sacred way. But his lordship will contrive in the +_role_ of a strayed and bogged fisherman to be at Stonelands Farm before +the young couple arrive _en route_ for London and the registry-office, +and he will see to it that _Monica_ learns what the daily life of a +working farmer is like, and what the beer (or bad champagne for festal +occasions) and rabbit pie in the kitchen; with sudden frank explanations +as to the imminence of the crisis in the interesting condition of +_Snowdrop_ the Alderney; what, too, is the Stonelands' notion of music +and the dance, with Teddy's braying concertina and cousin Unity's +quavering treble and the ragged bass and candid speech of old _Caunter_, +the head man.... So much for _Monica_. + +And _Eva_ thinks she wants to tie herself to this crude Glaswegian. +Well, here it will be best to insinuate to the young man how unfortunate +it is that the vacant chaplaincy to the Bishop of Exeter is designed +for a celibate, and to the young woman that to marry so brilliant (and +ingenuous) a youth is to hang a millstone round his neck. For, after +all, muses the prelate, revealing dreadful depths of low cunning and +perfidy, it's easier to change a chaplain than a husband. + +A thoroughly amusing affair. Of course Mr. PHILLPOTTS shirks his +problem, _Teddy Copplestone_ need not have been a bounder (the odds +indeed were against it), nor need his cigars, his champagne or his music +have been so bad. But then we should have missed a diverting piece of +fun and have been saddled with a solemn problem-play unsuited to the +(alleged) gaiety of the hour. + +The general level of the playing was high, and, after a somewhat nervous +opening (and perhaps just a few affectations of the fourth-wall school), +the piece swung into a pleasant rhythm. + +Mr. ERNEST THESIGER interprets with consummate ability Mr. PHILLPOTTS' +amusing and original creation, this puss-in-gaiters Machiavelli, _St. +George Exon_. Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY (_Monica_), in the familiar _role_ of +beauty in revolt, had an easy task, which she fulfilled very agreeably. +Miss ALBANESI (_Eva_) put brains and fire and (not at all a negligible +gift of the gods) precise enunciation into her work. Mr. FEWLASS +LLEWELLYN and Miss MARY BROUGH were quite delightful as old +_Copplestone_ and his wife. Mr. CLAUDE KING as _Teddy Copplestone_ had +perhaps the most difficult task, a part that by no means played itself, +but needed a sustained skill, duly forthcoming. But I think the +performance that pleased me most was that of Miss EVELYN WALSH HALL, a +name new to me, in the small part of _Unity Copplestone_, played with a +directness and sincerity which was quite distinguished. + +Let me add that the flapping of eyelids (to which I have referred in my +remarks on _The Cinderella Man_) is here also a feature. One member +of the cast (of my own sex, too) gave a display of virtuosity in this +_genre_ which was technically superb. + +Two insignificant details of management caused me some amusement. +The solemn clang of a gong presaging doom as dire as OEDIPUS'S (and +incidentally inaudible to cigarette smokers in the foyer) gives notice +of the resumption of the play, while at the end of the Acts the curtain +flutters up and down at a feverish pace as if the idea was to get in as +many "calls" as possible before the applause stops. Are we as guileless +as all that, I wonder? And, anyway, no such manoeuvre was necessary. The +applause was hearty, the laughter spontaneous, and anybody who cares for +plays made and played with brains should go and see this engaging piece. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Taxi-driver._ "WHERE ARE WE ALL OFF TO?"] + + * * * * * + +THE SPREAD OF DEMOCRACY. + + "The Earl of Loudoun, whose English seat it is, possesses eight + jeerages."--_Field_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "'Honour among thieves' is an old saying, but the pickpocket who + stole Lieut.-Commander Grieve's watch during his reception was an + exception to the rule."--_Illustrated Leicester Chronicle_. + + * * * * * + +A correspondent asks us if there is any truth in the statement that +Peace will be signed in time for the Peace Celebrations. At the moment +of going to press it is still doubtful. + + * * * * * + + "NOTE.--The Swan used in this Production is supplied by the + well-known firm of Messrs. Swan and Edgar, Piccadilly Circus, + London."--_Programme of Shakespeare Theatre, Liverpool_. + +We understand that the business is in the charge of Mr. EDGAR during his +partner's absence. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_Jinny the Carrier_ (HEINEMANN) was, as Mr. ZANGWILL lets us know in a +felicitous epistle-dedicatory to an evidently charming lady, designed as +a "bland" and leisurely book, free from any trace of war's horrors or +modern perplexities, the sort you could read comfortably with a sore +throat on you. I think if I had not been in such rude health I might +have managed the five hundred and eighty odd close-set pages without +getting just a little tired of his worthy Essex peasants of the time of +the great Hyde Park Exhibition. _Jinny_ herself is a perfect darling, of +real wit and character, and her business as the local carrier gives a +plausible machinery for the introduction of an enormous number, a truly +Dickensian profusion, of subsidiary characters. _Jinny_ indeed is above +criticism, but the trouble with many, indeed with most, of the others, +seemed to me to be their exaggerated sprightliness of speech, just a +little too clever to be credible and not quite amusing enough to be +palatable in large doses. To me the real pleasure of the book comes from +the author's craftsmanlike use of words and the humour and imagination +of his descriptions and asides. But if I may be humbly candid beyond the +custom of my trade I must confess to an uncomfortable impression +that sounder qualities in the reviewer would have discovered greater +qualities in the work. + + * * * * * + +I rather suspect Mrs. GERTRUDE ATHERTON of having written _The +Avalanche_ (MURRAY) either for the amusement of exercise in an +unfamiliar medium, or, well, for any motive that might explain a +production certainly not quite up to her own standard. Its publishers +(who may be prejudiced) consider _The Avalanche_ as "a brilliant and +engaging study of mystery and romance;" me it impressed as a melodrama +dependent on one long-heralded sensation, which proves on tardy arrival +an affair of disappointment. I suppose I must be careful not to give +away the mystery, such as it is. _Price Rugler_ was anxious to discover +why his attractive wife assumed a worried look when money was mentioned +and fainted on being told that she was not to wear the family ruby at a +particular masque. All this happened (you may not be astonished to hear) +in San Francisco, amongst that luxurious, idle, over-moneyed society +whose manners Mrs. ATHERTON knows and describes so well. _Price_ had +already found out, with the assistance of a not too brilliant detective, +that his wife's mother derived her income from a gambling saloon; +the remaining problem was how to link up this knowledge with the odd +behaviour of _Mrs. Price_. Perhaps you see it already. She had been--No, +I said I wouldn't, and I won't. Of course the discovery couldn't be +called cheerful, though it was fortunately made in time to prevent any +great harm. But it was nothing like an avalanche. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORY. + +INCONSIDERATE FLAPPER WAYLAYS KING JOHN ON HIS RETURN FROM SIGNING MAGNA +CARTA AT RUNNYMEDE.] + + * * * * * + +It is much harder, I am afraid, to be a good Bengali than a good +Englishman. _Nikhil_, the Rajah of Sir RABINDRANATH TAGORE'S _The Home +and the World_ (MACMILLAN), persists in treating _Sandip Babu_ (a +convinced Nietzchean in philosophy and a Nationalist of the most +inflammable type) as an honoured guest of his household, in spite of the +fact that he differs from the fellow profoundly on every conceivable +topic and is well aware, moreover, that _Sandip_ is rapidly winning the +heart of his Rani, _Bimala_. _Nikhil_, you see, considers that "all +imposition of force is weakness," and that "only the weak dare not be +just." Most Westerners, I think, would have kicked the rhapsodical and +rather plausible agitator out-of-doors and felt all the better for it +from the boot-toe upwards. The real truth is that the story, which is +written in the form of a triple autobiography (_Nikhil, Sandip_ and +_Bimala_ all taking a hand at telling it in turn) is an exposition of +two views of Suadeshi, or what may be called the Sinn Fein movement in +India. _Nikhil_ is the apostle of "self-realisation" as a moral force; +_Sandip_ believes in grabbing whatever you can. The latter first deifies +his country (_Bande Mataram,_ or "Hail, Mother!" is the Nationalist +motto) and then identifies _Bimala_ with the object of his worship, +which seems a very convenient theory. As for _Bimala_, she wavers +between the two. The romantic interest of the book (which is, by the +way, a translation) breaks down rather badly when it becomes clear that +_Sandip_ is not really a big enough man to make a complete conquest +of the Rani; but from every other point of view it is supremely +interesting. And if _Nikhil_ might perhaps have been improved by a +little less force of character and more of shoe-leather, _Bimala_, at +any rate, is a delightful personage. + + * * * * * + +Even "KATHARINE TYNAN" must sometimes fall below her own standard, and +_The Man from Australia_ (COLLINS), though written with considerable +grace and charm, is too thin in plot to be altogether satisfactory. +_John Darling_, a youngish man of wealth and an extremely liberal +disposition, came from Australia to visit his connexions in the West of +Ireland and--if opportunities occurred--to help them. Opportunities did +offer themselves in abundance. The _Adairs_ in their various ways were +ripe for a benefactor of the _Darling_ type to appear, and _John_ soon +got busy. In the course of his activities--for it would have been unkind +(and very dull) to bring him all the way from Australia to Ireland just +to serve as a travelling relief-fund--he is made to fall in love with +one of the _Adair_ girls. And that's almost the whole story. One may +always trust Mrs. HINKSON to get her atmosphere right; but she is not so +happy in her attempt to contrast the preternaturally unselfish _Darling_ +who, like an earlier _Mr. Darling_, would have been content to live in a +kennel) with the inordinately self-indulgent father of the _Adairs_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EPILOGUE] + +THE NEW ORDER OF THINGS. + +"I assume," said the Cynic, "that you are sufficiently sanguine to +rejoice in the prospects of Peace." + +"I derive a certain satisfaction from those prospects," replied Mr. +Punch on a note of reserve. + +"But you ought to be jazzing for joy, like the other fools in their +Paradise of nigger minstrelsy." + +"My years excuse me from choric exercises," said the Sage. "And, anyhow, +it doesn't take me that way." + +"Then you are not in the movement. You are not in touch with the +spiritual pulse of our throbbing Metropolis; you take no active part in +the New Life that is springing from the seed of England's sacrifices. +True, your years, as you say, are against you, however well you wear +them: it is to the young that we look first for signs of the great +Regeneration. And in particular we look to those who are to be the +mothers of that future race which should reap the full harvest of our +blood and tears. + +"And what do we find?" continued the Cynic. "We find a contempt for the +old virtues of simplicity and reticence; we find the distinction of sex +wiped out, and with it all reverence and sense of mystery. Nature is a +back number with them; they must for ever be plastering their noses +with powder--not just privily, as used to be the better way of faded +charmers, but shamelessly in public places. In dress they barely keep +within the bounds of decency prescribed by the police. They make their +own advances, rounding up and capturing their 'boys' for partners, +lest the haunts of jazzery should be closed against them. And in this +competition for their favours the good modest fellows who only a little +while ago were fighting our battles for us are now giving themselves the +airs of spoilt beauties. What do you make of all this in your scheme of +Renaissance?" + +"I admit much of what you say," said Mr. Punch, "but I ascribe it, in +part at least, to a natural reaction from the strain and horror of War." + +"'Reaction'!" snorted the Cynic. "A very comfortable word. But what were +the sufferings from which they are 'reacting'? The loss, you will say, +of the flower of our chivalry in battle? Well, one would think that +might have steadied them. Is this what our manhood died for--to make a +British carnival?" + +"I don't pretend to understand that side of it," said the Sage, "but I +know that during the War we respected the silence of their grief; and I +know that nature must choose its own way of recovering from a loss and +reasserting its claim to happiness. Remember, too, that War must always +have its demoralising features, however splendid the cause for which you +are fighting. 'Let us eat and drink, for to-morrow we die,' says the +soldier in his brief intervals of release. And some of us at home went +more than half-way to meet him, imitating an attitude excusable in him +but not in us. And that attitude is bound to survive for a little time +the causes that induced it. But you must not forget that many of the +type which you are now attacking did noble work in the War; and they +will do it again." + +"That may be," said the Cynic; "but is it necessary to have an orgy of +_Carmagnole_ in between?" + +"I think perhaps it is like the case of a crew or a team going out of +training. They permit themselves a certain relaxation before they start +training for the next contest. But I think too that there is something +to be said for your reference to the _Carmagnole_. We are passing +through a phase of Revolution, very natural after a great upheaval. The +sense of freedom--the very thing for which we have been fighting--is apt +to turn the heads of the young and thoughtless. There is a spirit of +rebellion in the air, which at its worst takes the form of Bolshevism, +but here is seen in a relatively harmless shape as a general revolt +against social restriction, a general passion for what is known as 'a +good time.' In any case it is only a passing phase. Already there are +signs of a reaction from this reaction; of a return to the decency of +other days. They tell me, for a slight but significant indication, that +the waltz is coming back; that we may even look to see a revival of the, +minuet and pavane." + +"Then it is just a question of a cycle of vogues? We are to be swayed by +recurring gusts of fashion, and not inspired by a fixed ideal." + +"Fashion counts with us, of course, for we are human and some of us are +feminine. There was a fashion of patriotism as there is now a fashion of +something that might easily be mistaken for its opposite. But the range +of its influence is largely confined to a rather negligible element in +London, the most provincial of capitals. The Press--and notably the +Photographic Press--gives it a prominence out of all relation to its +importance. The great majority are untouched by it. They talk little +and they advertise less. But in a thousand quiet ways they are setting +themselves to make good." + +"To make good money, you mean. Our world seems made up of profiteers and +of those who would be profiteers but can't, and so abuse those who can. +Can you name to me a period when there was a wilder rush for wealth, or +a more blatant display of luxury? Sometimes I wish the War back; England +was at her best when the call for sacrifice came home to her. But +how--we hear great talk of Reconstruction, but I am reminded rather of +the Restoration." + +"My friend," said the Sage, "I shall believe that this too is only a +temporary phase. Memory is not our strong point, but you can perhaps +throw back your mind to a year ago and recall how near we came to +the ruin of our hopes. Victory took us by surprise; and we were less +prepared for Peace at that moment than we ever had been for War. And, +just as in the first days of the fighting we went astray, running after +the cry, 'Business-as-usual,' so to-day we are making as bad a mistake +when we run after 'Pleasure-as-usual'--or rather more than usual. But +we soon revised that early error, and we shan't waste much time about +revising this. For though we lacked imagination then, and still lack +it, we have the gift, perhaps even more useful if less showy, of common +sense. And when common sense is found in natures that are honest and +hearts that are clean it may make mistakes, but not for long. + +"No, I am an optimist, and an incorrigible old fool, if you like, but I +am certain that the spirit which won the War is not going to fail us +at this second call. Perhaps we have only been waiting for the actual +consummation of Peace to settle down to our new and greater task. + +"And now I must excuse myself from further dialogue, having a mission +to perform in connection with this very task. I go to distribute a +corrective for some of the evils of Peace, as indicated by you. My +motor-lorry, stuffed with samples, awaits me without." + +"And what is the nature of your patent medicine?" said the Cynic, very +cynically. + +"It is," replied Mr. Punch, very confidently but also very +modestly,--"it is a little thing of my own. It is, in fact; my + +[Illustration: ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIXTH VOLUME".] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + * * * * * + +CARTOONS. + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD + Babes in the Wood (The) 25 + Bear Turns (The) 443 + Cinderella 183 + Cramping his Style 283 + "Dora" discomfited 63 + Dove at Sea (The) 303 + "Dry" Humour 123 + England Expects 163 + Faith Restored 463 + First German Victory (The) 83 + Foch-Terrier (The) 203 + Germany Draws the Pen 383 + Ghosts at Versailles 363 + Giving Him Rope 143 + Honour Satisfied 423 + In the Subscription Lists 483 + Irresistible Claim (An) 223 + Loving Cup (The) 403 + Military Muzzle (The) 343 + 1919 Model (The) 9 + Overweighted 243 + Peril Without (The) 263 + Philanderer (The) 503 + Progressive Weight-lifter (The) 103 + Reckoning (The) 323 + World's Desire (The) 43 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. + Another Threatened Industry 215 + Army of Unoccupation (The) 275 + Cautious Dictator (A) 375 + Cheerful Pachyderm (The) 315 + Dawn of Intelligence in Berlin 155 + Distractions of an Indispensable 235 + Easter Offering (The) 295 + Finishing Touch (The) 475 + Goose that Lays the Golden Eggs (The) 135 + Great Renunciation (The) 415 + Home from Home (A) 175 + Imperial Preference 355 + International Stakes (The) 435 + Lost Ally (The) 75 + New Commercial Traveller (The) 55 + New Issue (The) 455 + Order of Release (The) 95 + Peace Queue (The) 395 + Reconstruction; a New Year's Task 3 + Redress Rehearsal (A) 495 + Ruins of Empire 35 + Spring Defensive (A) 255 + Turn of the Tide (The) 195 + Victim (The) 115 + + TOWNSEND, F. H. + Menace of May (The) 335 + War Against the Public (The) 19 + + * * * * * + +ARTICLES. + + ANDERSON, MAJOR GORDON + Mistress and Maid 262 + + ARMSTRONG, H. + Labour Notes 449 + _Rus in Urbe_ 428 + + BAIN, CAPT. B. W. + Cast 134 + + BELL, ROBERT + _Autres Temps, Autres Moers_ 54 + Perfectly Unauthentic Anecdotes 234 + + BERRY, H. W. + To an Egyptian Boy 24 + + BIRD, CAPT. A. W. + Joshua 40 + + BRETHERTON, CYRIL + Bolshevismus 346 + Charivaria weekly + Coal 450 + _Dulce Domum_ 110 + Patriot's Reward (The) 217 + Songs of Innocence 432 + To a dear Departed 138 + To-day in the Food Garden 274 + War-Dogs' Party (The) 65, 88 + + BROWN, C. L. M. + Back to the Cam 374 + Good-bye to the Auxiliary Patrol 154, 174 + Rhymes of Rank 320 + Tragedy of Over-Education (A) 58 + + BROWN, J. B. + Contracts 148 + + BURGE, M. R. K. + Small-Talk 318 + + BURROW, C. K. + Red Wine of the Country (The) 186 + + CARTER, DESMOND + Bakerloonacy 407 + + CHANDLER, MISS B. W. + Collaboration. 366 + + COWAN, M. A. + Blighty Impressions 80 + + CRASTER, LIEUT. COL. J. E. E. + Edentulous Persons 114 + + CRAWFORD, CAPT. L. I. + N.Y.D. 448 + Propaganda in the Balkans 296 + + CUNDY, C. W. + "As You Were" 338 + Balaam Stakes (The) 474 + Error in Tactics (An) 456 + Spring Ideal (A) 414 + Tangled Triangle (A) 496 + + DARMADY, CAPT. E. S. + Poet (The) 476 + + DEANS, F. H. + Our Beauty Column 60 + + DE BANZIE, ERIC + Spoil-Sport (The) 314 + + DE STEIN, EDWARD + My Sergeant-Major-Domo 96 + + DIXEY, H. G. + Early One Morning 86 + + DRAKE, MAURICE + Diamond-cut-Diamond 408 + + DUKES, MAJOR A. + Pumpenheim 436 + + ELIAS, FRANK + With the Red Guards. 321 + + ELLIS, D. C. + Acute Angler (The) 136 + + ENGLEMAN, S. E. + Tendencies 126 + + FARJEON, MISS E. + Dancing demobilised 128 + State Lotteries 190 + + FENN, C. R. + Real Dalrymple (The) 96 + + FOOTE, S. H. W. + Maternal Instinct (The) 280 + + FOX-SMITH, MISS C. + Old Ships (The) 290 + Rhyme of the "Rio Grande" 34 + + FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE + Bird Lore 477, 499 + Blue Hat (The) 316 + Princess Charming 156 + Royal Interview (A) 468 + Trees and Fairies 74 + + GARSTIN, CROSBIE + Hairies (The) 402 + Mud Larks (The) 22, 68, 120, 156, 214, 260, 300, 360, 478 + Old Soldiers 342 + + GARVEY, MISS INA + Blanche's Letters 416 + Tea-cup Twaddle 254 + + GILLMAN, CAPT. W. H. + Career, (The) 54 + Career (Postponed) (The) 318 + Demobilisation Disaster (A) 20 + Macedonia 286 + Teaching Tommy 79 + + GLASGOW, GEORGE + Embarrassment and the Lawyer 454 + Game of the Telephone (The) 210 + + GRAHAM, R. D. C. + Brighter Side of Peace (The). 294 + + GRAVES, C. L. + Anti-Picadors (The) 5 + Brains and Baldness 345 + Celtic Counterblast (A) 366 + Conscription of Brains (The) 467 + Contra Appreciation (A) 139 + Literary Gossip 308 + More Musical Reconstruction 406 + Musical Gossip 23 + Musical Reconstruction 386 + Need of our Times (The) 498 + Passing of Greek (The) 298 + Recognition a la mode 446 + Renaissance (The) 429 + Silly Seasoning 248 + Test of Friendship (The) 208 + To M. Georges Clemenceau 182 + To the Speaker on his Re-election 117 + Weary Titan (The) 41 + Why drag in Mrs. Siddons? 505 + Winchester's Opportunity 106 + + GREENLAND, GEORGE + Going to the Bank 494 + + GUTHRIE, ANSTEY + Dogs' Delight 348 + Treacherous Son (The) 420 + + HEALY, LESLIE + Day (The) 410 + + HERBERT, LIEUT. A. P., R.N.V.R. + Anniversary (The) 369 + Another Crisis 102 + Appointment (The) 122 + Revolt (The) 349 + Space Problem (The) 207 + Spring Cleaning 377 + Thoughts in Committee 62 + + HODGE, H. S. V. + Chant Royal of Cricket 380 + + HODGKINSON, T. + Cricket Bargain (A) 480 + Plea for Proportion (A) 106 + + HODGSON, CAPT. N. + To a Chinese Coolie 150 + + HOLMES, CAPT. W. K. + Army of Entertainment, Ltd. 28 + Art in the Arctic 490 + Blanket Astray (The) 130 + Murman Amenities 418 + Murmansk Mosquito (The) 470 + Spring Modes at Murmansk 380 + + HOLT, R. G. + Local Colour 128 + + HOPWOOD, REAR-ADMIRAL + New Navy (The) 60 + + HUTCHINSON, H. G. + Fine Ear for the Haspirate (A) 80 + + HYSLOP, CAPT. A. F. + Last of His Race (The) 378 + + IMAGE, MRS. + Coal-Dust 160 + + IRVING, CAPT. L. H. + Tragedy of the Super-Patriot 257 + + IRWIN, FELIX + Melisande's Point of View 438 + + JAGGER, ARTHUR + Ptero-dactyls 202 + + JAY, THOMAS + Charivaria weekly + Midget (The) 166 + + JENKINS, ERNEST + Daily and Maily 97 + New School (A) 85 + + KERR, S. P. + Counter-Revolutionary Collar 270 + + KIDD, ARTHUR + Drink of the Gods (The) 90 + + KILPATRICK, MRS. + _Francais tel que l'on le parle (Le)_ 170 + _Nouvelles de Paris_ 140, 180, 220 + Peace Terms 320 + + KNOX, CAPT. E. V. + New Arm (The) 422 + Nomads (The) 398 + Revanche 362 + Those Dresses 502 + Veges on Strike (The) 490 + Waiting for the Spark 440 + Way Out 390 + + LANCASTER, G. B. + Our Bivvie 87 + + LANGLEY, MAJOR F. O. + Career (A) 179 + Watch Dogs (The) 10, 200 + + LEHMANN, R. C. + Bablingo. 327 + Consultation (A) 150 + Criticism in Excelsis 310 + End of the Volunteers (The) 70 + Father Thames Talks 86 + Hair Cutting and Dentistry 30 + Hanwelliad (The) 270 + Hardy Annual (A) 190 + Laxity in Quotations 368 + Milky Molar (The) 167 + More Alleviations 390 + Mrs. Bloggings's Statement 239 + New Game (The) 50 + Old Dog (An) 208 + + LEWIS, M. A. + Boy (Second Class) 6 + Business as Usual 442 + Cross Country 500 + Fearful Odds 322 + More Reprisals 38 + On the high C.'s 482 + Patriot Pig (The) 116 + Trump Suit (The) 180 + + LIAS, A. G. + Necromancers (The) 36 + + LIPSCOMB, CAPT. W. P. + How to throw off an Article 18 + Lese-Majeste 48 + On the Rhine 196, 218, 276 + Road to the Rhine (The) 76, 176 + + LOCKER, W. A. + Essence of Parliament weekly during Session + Parliamentary Casualties 26 + + LUCAS, E. V. + Alas! poor Panther 460 + Another Historic Interview 2 + Art of Leaving (The) 188 + Beautiful Words (The) 168 + "Botches" 288 + C.K.S. and U.S.A. 388 + Clear the Galleries 258 + Crusader (A) 501 + Dramatists to the Rescue 246 + Expensive Amusement (An) 90 + Great Cold-Cure Debate (The) 198 + Our Friend the Fish 350 + Reports 30 + Romance while you wait 110 + Roofs of the Mighty (The) 486 + Transformation 56 + Visionary Triumph (The) 440 + + LULHAM, HABBERTON + On the Safe Side 121 + + MCMASTER, BRYCE + Ark (The) 158 + + MARTIN, N. R. + Evicted 94 + Novel Reconstruction 6 + + MASON, MRS. + Rime Fairies 140 + + MEEK, J. + Ballade of Approaching Baldness 459 + In Memory of Dora 8 + + MENZIES, G. K. + Cook (The) 382 + Polly 310 + Six-hour Day (The) 250 + + MILNE, A. A. + Arrival of Blackman's Warbler 356 + Getting Out 74 + Housing Question (The) 340 + Perils of Reviewing (The) 400 + To the Death 240 + Two Visits (The) 160 + + NICHOLSON, R. T. + Capital Outlay (A) 396 + + NORRISS, CECIL + Bird Notes 439 + Charivaria weekly + Germ (The) 368 + + OGILVIE, W. H. + Good-bye, Australians 36 + Little Grey Water 462 + + OYLER, MISS MADELINE + Literary Options 142 + + PARKES, J. W. + Demobilisation 162 + + PAYNE, H. H. + Occupied Opera 201 + + PHILLIPS, GORDON + _Apres la Guerre_ 100 + + POOLE, J. C. + Civil Education for Soldiers 108 + + PRESTON-TEWART, A. + Another Pending Indemnity 488 + Communications 370 + Kismet 159 + + PRING, B. V. + Schloss Billet (The) 242 + + RIGBY, BEGINALD + Archaeologists (The) 480 + Boom in Architecture (The) 26 + Domestic Question Solved (The) 358 + Gallery Play 236 + Hints on Selecting an Aeroplane 458 + Sporting Chance (A) 430 + + ROACH, MISS M. E. + Brother Service (The) 8 + + ROBERTS, E. L. + Delysious Details 220 + + ROBINSON, J. P. + Linguist (The) 70 + + ROWAN-ROBINSON, MRS. + Daisy 230 + + SALVIDGE, STANLEY + Pink Georgette 308 + + SEAMAN, OWEN + America and Sinn Fein 494 + At the Opera 267 + At the Play 14, 228, 388, 410, 428, 488 + Brest--Bucharest--Versailles 394 + Cam Offensive (The). 134 + Counter-Order of the Bath (The) 374 + Hun as Idealist (The) 154 + Letters to People I don't know 354 + Monuments of the War 194 + "_Mutabile Semper_" 314 + New Order of Things (The) 509 + Paying Game (A) 294 + Peace at the Seaside 334 + Preliminary Dove: its Prospects 234 + Price of Freedom (The) 254 + _The Times_ as Peacemaker 274 + Tonic of March (The) 174 + To Peace, on her Celebrations 434 + To Robert of the Force 454 + Verdict of Democracy (The) 18 + + SHAKESPEARE, CAPT. W. G. + Souvenir of Cologne (A) 314 + + SHARPLES, HENRY + Ruling Passion (The) 434 + + SMITH, JAMES + F. E. 56 + + SOMERVILLE, MISS MAISIE + Humour's Labour Lost 460 + + STRUNSKY, SIMEON + Food Problem in Paris (The) 109 + Guaranteed 12 + + STUART, MISS D. M. + Last Watch of the Night (The) 302 + Swans of Ypres (The) 240 + + SUMMERSGILL, J. + Getting a Job 279 + + SYMNS, J. M. + Songs of Simla 414, 440, 460, 474, 500 + + TALBOT, MISS ETHEL + Fairies' Flitting (The) 266 + + TAYLOUR, COMMANDER BASIL + Opium Hound (The) 47 + Civilian Flying, 1930 336 + + THOROLD, R. A. + Lines to a Legionary 98 + To a March Brown, swallowed alive 229 + + THORP, JOSEPH + At the Play 268, 350, 506 + + THURGOOD, OWEN + House-Hunter (The) 248 + + TROTTER, MRS. + Visitor (The) 78 + + UPTON, CAPT. C. F. + Beetle of Buda-Pesth (The) 394 + Great Beard Mystery (The) 334 + Tube Nightmare (A) 498 + + WHEELWRIGHT, J. E. + Frost and Thaw 146 + Year's Reprisals (A) 328 + + WHITE, R. F. + Demobilised Daydreams 230 + Pair of Military Gloves (A) 194 + + WHITMARSH, F. J. + Shady Tenant (A) 420 + Truthful Traveller (The) 50 + + WODEHOUSE, E. A. + To an Unknown Colleague 1 + + +PICTURES AND SKETCHES. + + ACOCK, W. 372 + + ARMOUR, MAJOR G. D. 5, 151, 211 + + BATEMAN, H. M. 101, 181, 421, 498 + + BAUMER, LEWIS 15, 24, 39, 62, 81, 122, 142, 162, 182, 202, 222, 242, + 282, 302, 321, 342, 382, 409, 422, 436, 462, 502 + + BELCHER, GEORGE 147, 485 + + BIRD, W. 10, 17, 86, 113, 132, 152, 153, 272, 273, 308, 313, 378, 432, + 447, 481 + + BLAIKLEY, ERNEST 233 + + BRIGHTWELL, L. R. 329, 368, 406, 478 + + BROADHEAD, W. S. 351 + + BROCK, H. M. 4, 20, 97, 119, 137, 207, 238, 347, 369, 407 + + BROOK, RICARDO 12, 16, 26, 33, 52, 68, 88, 108, 148, 192, 210, 328, + 346, 373 + + COTTRELL, T. 59, 212, 229 + + DIXON, GEORGE 470 + + DOWD, J. H. 51, 176, 206, 257, 358, 391, 453 + + DOWD, L. P. 293, 431 + + FERRIER, ARTHUR 129, 248, 318 + + "FOUGASSE" 281, 353, 376, 469 + + FRASER, P. 216, 252, 253, 319, 333,410,438, 448 + + GARRATT, ARTHUR 46, 91, 106, 218, 312 + + GARSTIN, MISS ALETHEA 219 + + GHILCHIK, D. L. 38 + + GRAVE, CHARLES 67, 109, 118, 179, 247, 297, 317, 393, 397, 473 + + HARRINGTON, J. W. 112 + + HARRISON, CHARLES 167, 418 + + HART, FRANK 198, 399 + + HASELDEN, W. K. 14, 228, 268, 388, 428, 488, 506 + + HOLLAND, G. C. 288 + + HORNE, A. E. 356, 377 + + HOWELLS, CAPTAIN W. A. 61 + + JENNIS, G. 49, 79, 171, 231, 309, 367 429, 459 + + LEETE, ALFRED 40 + + LEWIN, F. G. 133 + + LONGMIRE, G. 93 + + MCHUTCHON, J. F. 172, 413 + + MAY, FRED. 348 + + MILLS, A. WALLIS 11, 28, 65, 78, 139, 199, 241, 258, 278, 307, 327, + 427, 451, 467, 479 + + + MORELAND, ARTHUR 58, 136, 287, 338, 491 + + MORROW, EDWIN 332 + + MORROW, GEORGE 7, 29, 47, 72, 73, 87, 98, 127, 138, 169, 209, 232, + 239, 259, 292, 381, 401, 412, 419, 452, 472, 492, 508 + + NORRIS, ARTHUR 507 + + PARTRIDGE, BERNARD 1 + + PEGRAM, FRED 262 + + PETT, NORMAN 32, 352, 392 + + PRANCE, BERTRAM 66, 433 + + RAVEN-HILL, L. 189, 510 + + REYNOLDS, FRANK 27, 57, 77, 99, 111, 117, 161, 177, 201, 213, 221, + 249, 256, 277, 296, 316, 336, 357, 411, 441, 471, 476, 505 + + ROUNTREE, HARRY 486 + + SHEPARD, E. H. 41, 191, 251, 449, 458, 489 + + SHEPPERSON, C. A. 31, 45, 85, 105, 131, 168, 271, 291, 311, 349, + 371, 461 + + STAMPA, G. L. 13, 21, 37, 71, 89, 107, 126, 141, 159, 217, 236, 269, + 276, 298, 322, 339, 362, 379, 396, 416, 439, 466, 477, 501 + + THOMAS, BERT 178, 196, 267, 279, 299, 337, 341, 359, 387, 398, 426, + 442, 456, 497 + + THOMPSON, A. 92 + + TOWNSEND, F. H. 8, 23, 42, 53, 69, 82, 102, 121, 125, 145, 146, 149, + 157, 165, 173, 185, 188, 197, 205, 225, 226, 227, 237, 245, 246, + 261, 265, 266, 285, 286, 289, 301, 305, 306, 325, 326, 331, 345, + 361, 365, 366, 385, 386, 389, 402, 405, 417, 425, 437, 445, 446, + 457, 465, 482, 496 + + WILSON, H. R. 158, 187, 193, 487, 499 + + WOOD, STARK 493 + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, June 25, 1919, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH JUNE 25, 1919 *** + +***** This file should be named 11712.txt or 11712.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/1/11712/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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