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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11919 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11919-h.htm or 11919-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/9/1/11919/11919-h/11919-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/9/1/11919/11919-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 99
+
+JULY 19, 1890
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: PARALLEL.
+
+Joe, the Fat Boy in Pickwick, startles the Old Lady; Oscar, the Fad
+Boy in Lippincott's, startles Mrs. Grundy.
+
+_Oscar, the Fad Boy_. "I want to make your flesh creep!"]
+
+The Baron has read OSCAR WILDE'S Wildest and Oscarest work, called
+_Dorian Gray_, a weird sensational romance, complete in one number of
+_Lippincott's Magazine_. The Baron, recommends anybody who revels in
+_diablerie_, to begin it about half-past ten, and to finish it at one
+sitting up; but those who do not so revel he advises either not to
+read it at all, or to choose the daytime, and take it in homoeopathic
+doses. The portrait represents the soul of the beautiful Ganymede-like
+_Dorian Gray_, whose youth and beauty last to the end, while his soul,
+like JOHN BROWN'S, "goes marching on" into the Wilderness of Sin. It
+becomes at last a devilled soul. And then _Dorian_ sticks a knife into
+it, as any ordinary mortal might do, and a fork also, and next morning
+
+  "Lifeless but 'hideous' he lay,"
+
+while the portrait has recovered the perfect beauty which it possessed
+when it first left the artist's easel. If OSCAR intended an allegory,
+the finish is dreadfully wrong. Does he mean that, by sacrificing
+his earthly life, _Dorian Gray_ atones for his infernal sins, and so
+purifies his soul by suicide? "Heavens! I am no preacher," says the
+Baron, "and perhaps OSCAR didn't mean anything at all, except to give
+us a sensation, to show how like BULWER LYTTON'S old-world style he
+could make his descriptions and his dialogue, and what an easy thing
+it is to frighten the respectable _Mrs. Grundy_ with a Bogie." The
+style is decidedly Lyttonerary. His aphorisms are Wilde, yet forced.
+Mr. OSCAR WILDE says of his story, "it is poisonous if you like, but
+you cannot deny that it is also perfect, and perfection is what we
+artists aim at." Perhaps; but "we artists" do not always hit what
+we aim at, and, despite his confident claim to unerring artistic
+marksmanship, one must hazard the opinion, that in this case Mr. WILDE
+has "shot wide." There is indeed more of "poison" than of "perfection"
+in _Dorian Gray_. The central idea is an excellent, if not exactly
+novel, one; and a finer art, say that of NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, would
+have made a striking and satisfying story of it. _Dorian Gray_ is
+striking enough, in a sense, but it is not "satisfying" artistically,
+any more than it is so ethically. Mr. WILDE has preferred the sensuous
+and hyperdecorative manner of "Mademoiselle DE MAUPIN," and without
+GAUTIER'S power, has spoilt a promising conception by clumsy unideal
+treatment. His "decoration" (upon which he plumes himself) is indeed
+"laid on with a trowel." The luxuriously elaborate details of his
+"artistic hedonism" are too suggestive of South Kensington Museum
+and æsthetic Encyclopædias. A truer art would have avoided both the
+glittering conceits, which bedeck the body of the story, and the
+unsavoury suggestiveness which lurks in its spirit. Poisonous! Yes.
+But the loathly "leperous distilment" taints and spoils, without
+in any way subserving "perfection," artistic or otherwise. If _Mrs.
+Grundy_ doesn't read it, the younger _Grundies_ do; that is, the
+_Grundies_ who belong to Clubs, and who care to shine in certain
+sets wherein this story will be much discussed. "I have read it, and,
+except for the ingenious idea, I wish to forget it," says the Baron.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Baron has seen the new, lively, and eccentric newspaper, entitled
+_The Whirlwind_. It has reached the third number. "I am informed,"
+says the Baron, "that, on payment of five guineas down, I can become
+a life-subscriber to the _Whirlwind_. But what does life-subscriber
+mean? Do I subscribe for the term of my life, or for the term of the
+_Whirlwind's_ life? Suppose the _Whirlwind_ has to be wound up, or
+whirl-winded up, and suppose I am still going on, can I intervene to
+stop the proceedings, and insist on my contract to be supplied with
+a _Whirlwind_ per week for the remainder of my natural or unnatural
+life being carried out? If the contract is for our lives, then, as
+a life-subscriber, I should insist on the _Whirlwind_ remaining
+co-existent with me, so that, up to my latest breath, I might have a
+_Whirlwind_. But if the life-subscription of five guineas is only for
+the term of the _Whirlwind's_ life, then, I fancy the proprietors,
+editor, and staff, that the Hon. STUART ERSKINE and Mr. HERBERT
+VIVIAN, who are, I believe, the Proprietors, Editor, and Staff of the
+_Whirlwind_, will have by far the better of the bargain. I resist the
+temptation, and keep my five pounds five shillings in my pocket, and
+am
+
+"Yours truly, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW ADVERTISEMENT COLUMN.
+
+    [All applications in answer to be addressed to the office
+    of this journal, accompanied by handsome P.O.O, and lots of
+    shilling stamps, which will in every case be retained, without
+    acknowledgment, as a guarantee of good faith.]
+
+URGENT CASE.--WANTED, by a little Boy, aged 10, of thoroughly
+disagreeable temper, selfish, greedy, ill-mannered, and thoroughly
+spoilt at home, a good sound Whipping, weekly, if possible. Great care
+will be necessary on the part of applicant in fulfilling requirements,
+parents of youth in question, being firmly convinced that he is a
+noble little fellow, with a fine manly spirit, just what his dear
+Papa was at his age (as is very probably the case) and only requiring
+peculiarly gentle and considerate treatment.--Apply (in first
+instance, by letter) to Godfather, care of _Mr. Punch_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS,--affectionate but practical-minded, and
+anxious to find economical homes (somewhere else) for young gentlemen
+who cannot get on without expensive assistance at starting in Mother
+country, owing to excessive competition in laborious and over-crowded
+professions. A firm of enterprising Agents offer bracing and
+profitable occupation (coupled with the use _gratis_, of two broken
+spades, an old manure-cart, and an axe without a handle) in a
+peculiarly romantic and unhealthy district in the backwoods of
+West-Torrida. Photograph, if desired, of Agent's residence (distant
+several hundred miles away.) Excellent opening for young men fresh
+from first-class public school or college-life: who should, of course,
+be prepared to "rough it" a little before making competence or
+large fortune, by delightful pursuit of agriculture. No restrictive
+civilisation. No drains. Excellent supply of water and heavy floods as
+a rule, during three months of year, bringing on Spring crops without
+expense of irrigation. Very low death-rate, most of population
+having recently cleared out. Small village and (horse)-doctor within
+twenty-five miles' ride. Wild and beautiful country. Every incentive
+to work. Rare poisonous reptiles, and tarantula spiders, most
+interesting to young observant naturalist. Capital prospect--great
+saving offered to careful parents anxious to set up brougham, or
+increase private expenses. Five boys (reduction on taking a quantity)
+disposed of for about £250 and outfit, with probably, no further
+trouble.--Address, Messrs. SHARKEY AND CRIMPIN, Colonial and
+Emigration Agents. &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONCERTS! CONCERTS!--Amateur Comic Vocalist and impromptu "Vamper"
+(gentleman born) of several years' experience in best London Society,
+is anxious to meet with bold and speculative Manager who will offer
+him a first engagement. Can sing--omitting a few high notes--various
+popular melodies, comprising, "_Aunt Sarah's Back-hair," "The Twopenny
+Toff of 'Ighgate 'Ill_," and "_Tommy Robinson's Last Cigar_," and also
+play piano if required, with one finger, but prefers to be accompanied
+by indefatigable friend, who plays entirely by ear, and if allowed to
+smoke freely, can "pick up" any tune in a quarter of an hour. Seldom
+breaks down or forgets words, except before large or unsympathetic
+audience. Fetching comic "biz," and superlative Music-hall "chic."
+Would have no objection to black face and appear at evening parties,
+or in fashionable streets, with banjo (if provided with small police
+escort.) Testimonials from several highly respectable relatives, now
+in asylum, or under treatment at seaside.--Address, with terms, the
+Hon. ALGERNON BRASSLEIGH CHEEKINGTON (or at Chimpanzee Chambers in
+Piccadilly, W.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOR REFORM IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS' SYSTEM.--"_Absence_" should
+be called immediately after dinner, and then each boy, instead
+of saying, "Here, Sir!" could reply, classically and correctly,
+"_Adsum!_" Yours truly, AN OVER-ETON BOY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LAT. 60° 8' N. LONG. 4° 30' E.
+
+_Mr. Punch en route for the Midnight Sun. First glimpse of Norway._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE CUP THAT CHE-(HIC)-ERS!"
+
+The Total Abstainer staggered to his feet. The room seemed to be
+waltzing round him, and his legs acted independently of each other.
+One of those legs tried to walk to the right, whilst the other moved
+to the left! He looked in the mirror and saw a double reflection!
+He had two noses, a couple of mouths, four eyes, and countless
+whiskers. This made him merry, and he laughed in very glee. But
+only for a while! Soon he became utterly depressed. Then his head
+ached--horribly! He tried to sleep--he could not! "Never too late--to
+MENDAL!" he gasped out, uttering in his extreme agitation the name of
+a Physician of Berlin who had made inebriety a special study.
+
+Then his muscles became weak and trembling, his aversion to labour
+increased, and he had scarcely the energy or power to observe that
+his complexion (in patches) was ruddier than the cherry.
+
+"Alas!" he sighed, and he succumbed permanently to persistent
+dyspepsia!
+
+And what was the cause of this unfortunate, this terrible condition?
+Sad to say, the question was easily answered. The Total Abstainer had
+taken a drop too much--of Coffee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CATCHING;
+
+OR, HOW FAR WILL IT GO?
+
+(BEING A FORECAST OF THE SPREAD OF THE STRIKE FEVER, FROM A NEXT
+WEEK'S DIARY.)
+
+_Wednesday_.--All the Police, having now been replaced by Amateur
+Special Constables, who are as yet unfamiliar with their duties, the
+position of the Metropolitan Magistrates becomes impossible, and
+they resign in a body at five minutes' notice, causing the greatest
+consternation in signalling their resignation by sending every case
+on the charge-sheet that morning for trial to a superior Court.
+
+_Thursday_.--The Judges, overwhelmed by the prospect of an unusual and
+quite impossible amount of extra work, demand the increase of their
+salaries to £10,000 per annum. On this being categorically refused
+by the Treasury, they then and there, on their respective Benches,
+severally tear off their wigs and robes, and quit their Courts "for
+good," with threatening gestures.
+
+_Friday_.--The LORD CHANCELLOR, on being informed of the conduct of
+the Judges, rips open the Woolsack, scattering its contents over the
+floor of the House of Lords, and, denouncing the Government, throws up
+his post on the spot. The legal business of the country, coming thus
+to a deadlock, is involved in further chaos by a sudden strike of
+all the Members of both the Senior and Junior Bars, which is further
+complicated by another of every Solicitor in the three kingdoms.
+
+_Saturday_.--Gatling guns being posted in the Entrance Hall, and Bow
+Street having been cleared by a preliminary discharge of artillery,
+the programme of the Royal Italian Opera for the evening is carried
+out, as advertised, at Covent Garden. Ladies wearing their diamonds,
+are conveyed to the theatre in Police Vans, surrounded by detachments
+of the Household Cavalry, and gentlemen's evening dress is
+supplemented by a six-chambered revolver, an iron-cased umbrella, a
+head protector, and a double-edged cut-and-thrusting broad-sword.
+
+_Sunday_.--The Church having caught the prevailing fever, the entire
+body of the Clergy, headed by the Bishops, come out on strike, with
+the result that no morning, afternoon, or evening services are held
+anywhere. The Medical Profession takes up the idea, and, discovering
+a grievance, the Royal College of Surgeons issues a manifesto. All the
+hospitals turn out their patients, and medical men universally drop
+all their cases. An M.D. who is known, upon urgent pressure, to have
+made an official visit, is chased up and down Harley Street by a mob
+of his infuriated brother practitioners, and is finally nearly lynched
+on a lamp-post in Cavendish Square. The day closes in with a serious
+riot in Hyde Park, caused by the meeting of the conflicting elements
+of Society, who have all marched there with their bands and banners to
+air their respective grievances.
+
+_Monday_.--The London County Council, School Board, Common Council,
+Court of Aldermen, and the Royal Academicians after discovering,
+respectively, some trifling sources of dissatisfaction, wreck their
+several establishments, and finally march along the Thames Embankment
+towards Westminster, singing, alternately, the "_Marseillaise_" and
+"_Ask a Pleece-man._"
+
+_Tuesday_.--The House of Commons, after tossing the SPEAKER in his own
+gown, declare the Constitution extinct, and, abolishing the House of
+Lords and giving all the Foreign Ambassadors twelve hours notice to
+quit the country, announce their own dissolution, and immediately
+commence their Autumn Holiday.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Railway Directors, Sweeps, Chairmen of Public Companies,
+Coal-Heavers, Provincial Mayors, Dentists, Travelling Circus
+Proprietors, Fish Contractors, Beadles, Cabinet Ministers, Street
+Scavengers, Dog Fanciers, Archbishops, Gas Fitters, Hereditary
+Legislators, Prize Fighters, Poor-Law Guardians, Lion Tamers,
+Green-Grocers, and many other discontented members of the community,
+having all joined in a universal strike, society, becomes totally
+disorganised, and the entire country quietly but, effectually
+collapses, and disappears from the European system.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE ONCE AGAIN, ADAPTED TO THE SITUATION.
+
+(SEE _TITUS ANDRONICUS_, ACT II., SC. 1.)
+
+_AARON (THE AGITATOR) LOQUITUR_.--
+
+  For shame, be friends, and join for that you jar:
+  'Tis Union and Strikes, my lads, must do
+  That you affect; and so must you resolve
+  That what you cannot severally achieve,
+  United you may manage as you will.
+  A speedier course than lingering languishment
+  Must we pursue, and I have found the path.
+  My lads, a biggish business is in hand;
+  Together let brave British Bobbies troop:
+  The City streets are numerous and wealthy,
+  And many unfrequented nooks there be,
+  Fitted by kind for violence and theft;
+  But take you thence, and many a watchful ruffian
+  Will soon strike home, by force and not by words:
+  This way, or not at all, stand you in hope.
+  Come, come, our comrades, with more sluggish wit,
+  To vigilance and duty consecrate,
+  Will we acquaint with all that we intend,
+  And we will so commit them to our cause
+  That they cannot stand off or "square" themselves;
+  But to your wishes' height you'll all advance.
+  The City's courts have houses of ill-fame,
+  Town's palaces are full of wanton wealth,
+  The slums are ruthless, ravenous ripe for crime.
+  _Then speak, and strike, brave boys, and take your turn_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.
+
+_Fair Authoress_. "SO SORRY TO BE SO LATE. I'M AFRAID I'M _LAST_!"
+
+_Genial Host_. "'_LAST_--BUT NOT _LEAST_!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG SENTIMENTIANA.
+
+(_A DELIGHTFUL "ALL-THE-YEAR-SOUND" RESORT FOR THE FASHIONABLE
+COMPOSER._)
+
+EXAMPLE V.--OF THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWERS OF LOVE, UNDER CONDITION OF
+PROXIMITY.
+
+  When thou art near, the hemisphere
+    Commissioned to surround me,
+  (As well as you,) is subject to
+    Some changes that astound me.
+  Where'er I look I seem mistook;
+    All objects--what, I care not--
+  At once arrange to make a change
+    To something that they were not!
+      When thou art near, love,
+        Strange things occur--
+      Thickness is clear, love,
+        Clearness a blur.
+      Penguins are weasels,
+        Cheap things are dear,
+      "Jumps" are but measles
+        When thou art near!
+
+  When thou art close, the doctor's dose
+    Is quite a decent tonic.
+  Thy presence, too, makes all things new,
+    And five-act plays laconic.
+  And, with thee by, the earth's the sky,
+    And _your_ "day out" is _my_ day,
+  While tailors' bills are daffodils,
+    And Saturday is Friday!
+      When thou art here, love,
+        Just where you are,
+      Far things are near, love,
+        Near things are far.
+      Beef-tea is wine, love,
+        Champagne is beer,
+      Wet days are fine, love,
+        When thou art near.
+
+  Without you stand quite close at hand,
+    A broker _is_ a broker;
+  But stick by me, and then he'll be
+    A very pleasant joker!
+  Without thee by, a lie's a lie--
+    The truth is nought but truthful.
+  But by me stay, and night is day--
+    And even _you_ are youthful
+      When thou art near, love,--
+        Not, love, unless,--
+      Thick soup is clear, love,
+        Football is chess.
+      IRVINGS are TOOLES, love,
+        Tadpoles are deer,
+      Wise men are fools, love,
+        When thou art near!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When KENNEDY fell out of his boat at Henley, his antagonist, PSOTTA,
+magnanimously waited for him to get in again. He must be a good Psotta
+chap.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST OPPORTUNITIES.--Last Tuesday week the members of the Incorporated
+Cain-and-Abel-Authors' Society lost a great treat when Mr. GEORGE
+AUGUSTUS lost a indignantly refused to take his seat "below the salt,"
+and walked out without making the speech with which his name was
+associated on the toast-list. But, on the other hand, what a big
+chance Orator GEORGE AUGUSTUS lost of coming out strong in opposition,
+and astonishing the Pen-and-Inkorporated ones with a few stirring
+remarks, in his most genial vein, on the brotherhood of Authors,
+and their appreciation of distinguished services in the field
+of Literature. It was an opportunity, too, for suggesting
+"Re-distribution of Seats."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MRS. H.M. STANLEY.
+
+  The merry bells do naught but ring,
+   The streets are gay with flag and pennant,
+  The birds more sweetly seem to sing--
+    A Heart to Let has found a TENNANT!
+  No more will HENRY MORTON roam,
+    Nor from your charms away for long go,
+  But, honeymooning here at home,
+    Forget he ever saw the Congo!
+
+  To Oxford 'twas your husband went--
+    The stately home of Don and Proctor--
+  Where, 'mid the deafening cheers that rent
+    The air, he straight became a Doctor.
+  As one whose valour none can shake,
+    We've sung him in a thousand ditties,
+  And freedoms too we've made him take
+    Of goodness knows how many cities!
+
+  Yet while to honour and to praise
+    With one another we've been vying,
+  Has he not told us for the days
+    Of rest to come he ne'er ceased sighing?
+  And when, with pomp of high degree,
+    Your marriage vows and troth you plighted,
+  Why, everyone was glad to see
+    Art and Adventure thus united!
+
+  "To those about to Marry.--Don't!"
+    So _Mr. Punch_ did once advise us.
+  Spread the advice? I'm sure you won't.
+    A course which hardly need surprise us.
+  O lovely wife of one we think
+    Above all others brave and manly,
+  We clink our glasses as we drink
+    Long life and health to Mrs. STANLEY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ANGLO-GERMAN CONCERTINA.
+
+    "I confess I was not at all prepared for the feelings that
+    some South Africans appear to entertain with respect to our
+    conduct in the recent negotiations"--_Lord Salisbury to
+    the Deputation of African Merchants respecting the proposed
+    Anglo-German Agreement._
+
+[Illustration: _Imperial Instrumentalist_ (_loquitur_). "WHAT, NOT
+LIKE THE TONE OF IT? WELL, YOU _DO_ SURPRISE ME!!!"]
+
+  I fancied that this Instrument
+    Would make a great sensation
+  And that its music would content
+    The critics and the nation,
+  I know it is what vulgar folks
+    Christen the "Constant-screamer;"
+  I thought _you_'d scorn such feeble jokes;
+    It seems I was a dreamer.
+  You writhe your lips, you close your ears!
+    Dear me! Such conduct tries me.
+  You do not like it, it appears
+    Well, well,--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  'Tis not, I know, the Jingo drum,
+    Nor the "Imperial" trumpet.
+  (The country to their call won't come,
+    However much you stump it.)
+  They're out of fashion; 'tis not now
+    As in the days of "BEAKEY."
+  People dislike the Drum's tow-row.
+    And call the Trumpet squeaky.
+  So I the Concertina try,
+    As valued friends advise me.
+  What's that you say? It's all my eye?
+    Well, well,--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  I fancied you would like it much,
+    You and the other fellows.
+  Admire the tone, remark my touch!
+    And what capacious bellows!
+  'Tis not as loud as a trombone,
+    But harmony's not rumpus;
+  The chords are charming, and you'll own
+    It has a pretty compass.
+  I swing like this, I sway like that!
+    Fate a fine theme supplies me!
+  The "treatment" you think feeble, flat?
+    Well, well--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  The "European Concert"? Grand!
+    (You recollect that term, man!)
+  _This_ is a Concertina, and
+    It's make is Anglo-German,
+  You can't _expect_ the thing to be
+    English alone, completely;
+  But really, as 'tis played by me.
+    Does it not sound most sweetly?
+  Humph! DONALD CURRIE cocks his nose,
+    BECKETT  disdainfully eyes me,
+  My Concertina you would--_close!_
+    Well, well--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+Scarcely a day passes without bringing us nearer to the end of the
+year. That is a melancholy reflection, but we are not sure that it
+exhausts all the possibilities of misery latent in the flight of
+time. It has been noticed, for instance, that the Duke of X----, whose
+sporting proclivities are notorious, never fails to celebrate his
+birthday with a repast at an inferior _restaurant_, and, as His Grace
+is powerful, his friends suffer in silence and bewail his increasing
+ducal age.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Henley Regatta came off as arranged. This is a peculiarity which is
+very striking in connection with this Royal fixture. We are informed
+that several certainties were upset, but by whom and why has not
+been stated. Candidly speaking, such a brutal method as "upsetting"
+consorts ill with the softer manners of our time. On the Thames, too,
+it must be extraordinarily disagreeable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. WEEDLE, the Hon. Mrs. THREADBARE, and Lady FAWN, have joined
+the lately established Bureau for the Dissemination of Fashionable
+Friendships. The Personal Advertising Department is now open, and is
+daily filled with a distinguished crowd of applicants. Arrangements
+are in process of completion for supplying the deserving rich with
+cambric handkerchiefs, and imitation diamonds, at nominal prices.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A well-known Actor has lately been deprived of his customary allowance
+of fat. His loss of weight (in avoirdupois) has been computed at
+five-sixteenths of the integral cubit of a patent accumulator's
+vertical boiling power, divided by the fractional resistance of a
+plate-glass window to a two-horse-power catapult.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The weather has been variable, with cryptoconchoidal deflections of a
+solid reverberating isobar previously tested in a solution of zinc and
+soda-water. This indicates cold weather in December next.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consols 1/50094th better. Wheat in demand. Jute firm. Bank rate too
+fast to last.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Politician, whose name has been frequently mentioned during the
+late crisis, has stated it as his opinion that a temperance orator's
+powers of persuasion are to a moral victory as a Prime Minister is
+to a willow-pattern dinner-plate. The remark caused much excitement
+in the lobby, where this gentleman's humorous sallies never lack
+appreciators.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What is this I hear of a certain Noble Duke, well-known in sporting
+circles, having accepted a three months' engagement to appear in a
+"comic character sketch of his own composition," at a long-established
+East End-Music Hall? If there is any truth in the rumour, I should
+like to ask _what the Duchess has been about?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A distinguished Oxford Mathematical Professor has, just after
+prolonged and patient research, established the undoubted certainty
+of the following interesting facts beyond any possible question or
+controversy:--That the quantity of Almond Rock Hard Bake, consumed in
+the United Kingdom in the year terminating on the 15th of May last,
+amounted to 17 lbs. 9 oz. for each member of the population, including
+women and children. That if at all the old and discarded Chimney Pot
+Hats for a like period were collected in a heap, and packed closely
+together, they would fill a building twice the height of St. Paul's,
+and three times the length of the Crystal Palace. That winners of
+the Derby who have become eventually four-wheeler cab-horses are
+ninety-six in number, but that there is _only one authentic_ instance
+of a four-wheeler cab-horse having become a Derby winner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+So great is the craze for the newest idea in locomotion that it is
+calculated that including Duchesses no less than 1470 _grandes dames_
+whose names are well-known in Society, now pass Piccadilly Circus on
+the outside of the London General Omnibus Company's vehicles, between
+the hours of 8 A.M. and 10 P.M. daily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PASSPORT TO THE BEST SOCIETY, AND A GUARANTEE FOR RESPECTABILITY,
+is to be a diligent student of _Mr. Punch's_ works, and to have earned
+the abuse of the _Pall-Mall Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
+
+_Monday_.--_Les Huguenots_. Great night in consequence of police
+strike in Bow Street. Rioting, and Life Guards called out late, just
+as they were retiring for the night. Down they came, in regimentals,
+in undress, anyhow, to quell the disturbance. At least, such is the
+report inside the house. But inconvenient to be in two places at
+once. Henceforth they ought to record this incident by having an
+extinguisher (typical of going to bed and also of quelling the row)
+slung on to their breast-plates. Extinguisher clinking against
+armour would make pretty noise. Their Royal Highnesses the Prince and
+Princess of WALES, having come to enjoy the Opera, remain undisturbed,
+and leave in perfect tranquillity. Excellent example to perturbed
+audience. Excitement within the house. DRURIOLANUS, Earl DE GREY,
+Mr. HIGGINS, and other members of the Organising Operatic Committee,
+ready to charge the mob at a moment's notice, to charge up to two
+guineas a stall, if necessary. Not necessary, however. Calls for the
+Sheriff-elect. DRURIOLANUS, not having the official costume ready,
+cannot appear in it, but uses his authority and his persuasive powers
+in clearing lobbies, saloons, and hall. At any moment he is ready
+to march out with all the Huguenot soldiers and charge the rioters.
+Peace restored about midnight, Household troops sent home to bed, and
+constables decided to strike only on the heads of roughs, rowdies,
+and burglars. This shows how useful it is to have a Sheriff on the
+premises. At Her Majesty's last winter they had the nearest approach
+to it, that is, Sheriff's officers on the premises. But this is not
+precisely the same thing, as Sheriff's officers wear no uniform, and
+not being permitted to go out of a house when once it is given into
+their custody, they, however valiant, are of no use in a crowd.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Tuesday_.--_Lohengrin_. Regardless of rioters, their Royal Highnesses
+again here. Much cheered outside on driving away. Yet crowd in Strand
+(so we hear) not particularly good-tempered, and have wrecked a
+private brougham or two. No effect on Opera, which goes as well as
+ever. Rumours that the player of the _grosse caisse_ has struck at
+rehearsal are confirmed, he appears in his place and strikes again,
+so does the Shakspearian performer "Cymbaline."
+
+_Wednesday_.--_Don Giovanni_. ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN as _Zerlina_, very
+popular. Still a little too like _Carmen_ in appearance. LASSALLE
+can't be bettered. Great night everywhere. Mlle. MELBA and Mr. EDOUARD
+DE RESZKÉ taking a little holiday at a concert in Grosvenor Square,
+where also are Madame PATEY and another EDWARD yclept LLOYD, whom
+HERR GANZ accompanies with his "_Sons of Tubal Cain_"--no political
+allusion to the recent Barrow Election. Opera comparatively full.
+Some _habitués_ look in to see how everything's going on, then go on
+themselves to Reception in Piccadilly, At Homes elsewhere, M.P.Q.'s
+Smoking Concert, and various other entertainments. Society winding
+itself up brilliantly. "Rebellion's dead! and now we'll go to supper."
+And so we do. "Again we come to the Savoy!"
+
+_Thursday_.--_Lucia_ off-night, but everything and everybody "going
+on" as usual. H.R.H. again at Opera.
+
+_Friday_.--_La Favorita_. Breathing time before the great Operatic
+event of week to-morrow night.
+
+_Saturday_.--_Esmeralda_. Too late at last moment to say anything on
+this splendid subject, save that the Composer was deservedly greeted
+with a storm--of applause!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURELY A MATTER OF BISLEYNESS.
+
+PRIVATE R. VAN WINKLE opened his eyes, and, taking up his rusty rifle,
+marched towards the new ranges.
+
+"Dear me!" said he, gazing with amazement at his surroundings, "this
+is not at all like what I saw when I went to sleep."
+
+"No, RIP, it is not," replied _Mr. Punch_, who happened to be in the
+neighbourhood. He had been watching his sweetest Princess making a
+bull's-eye at the opening ceremony.
+
+"Why, it is twice as large as Wimbledon," continued the astounded
+warrior.
+
+"You are well within the limit," the Sage assented, "and see, there
+is plenty of space. No fear of damaging any of the tenants of GEORGE
+RANGER in _this_ part of the country."
+
+"No, indeed!" exclaimed Private VAN WINKLE. "Not that I think His
+Royal Highness had much cause of complaint. The truth is--"
+
+"Let bygones be bygones," interrupted _Mr. Punch_. "GEORGE RANGER is
+no longer your landlord, except, in a certain sense, representing the
+interests of the Regular Army, and I shall keep _my_ eye upon him in
+that capacity."
+
+"An entirely satisfactory arrangement. But where are the fancy tents,
+and the luncheon parties, and all the etceteras that used to be so
+pleasant at Wimbledon?"
+
+"Disappeared," returned _Mr. Punch_, firmly. "Bisley is to be more
+like Shoeburyness (where the Artillery set an excellent example to
+the Infantry) than the Surrey saturnalia."
+
+"And is it to be _all_ work and no play?"
+
+"That will be the general idea. Of course, in the evening, when
+nothing better can be done, there will be harmonic meetings round the
+camp-fires. But while light lasts, the crack of the rifle and the
+ping of the bullet will be heard in all directions, _vice_ the pop
+of champagne corks superseded. And if you don't like the prospect,
+my dear RIP, you had better go to sleep again."
+
+But Private VAN WINKLE remained awake--to his best interests!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON MATRIMONY.
+
+Well, we're jest about going it, at the reel "Grand Hotel," we are. We
+had jest about the werry lovliest wedding here, larst week, as I ewer
+seed, ewen with my great xperiense. Such a collekshun of brave-looking
+men and reel handsum women as seldom meets together xcept on these
+most hintresting occashuns. And as good luck wood have it, jest as
+we was in the werry wirl and xcitement of it all, who should come in
+to lunch but the same emminent yung Swell as cum about a munth ago.
+And he had jest the same helegant but simple lunch as before, with a
+bottle of the same splendid Champane, as before, and he didn't harf
+finish it, as before, and not a drop of what he left was wasted, as
+before; and so, when he paid me his little account, he arsked me if
+many of the werry bewtifool ladies, as I had told him of when he came
+larst, had been to the "Grand" lately, so the bold thort seized, me,
+and I says to him, "Yes, your ---- ----, there's jest a nice few of
+'em here now, and if you will kindly foller me up to our bewtifool
+Libery, and will keep your eyes quite wide open as you gos along, you
+will see jest about a hole room full of 'em."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+So I took him parst the grand room in which the Wedding Gests was
+assembled, and there sure enuff, he seed such a collection of smiling
+bewty, as ewidently made a great impression on his---- ----'s Art,
+and one speshally lovely Bridesmade gave him a look, as he passed by,
+as ewidently went rite thro it. I scarcely xpecs to be bleeved wen I
+says, as his ---- ----'s cheeks quite blusht with hadmirashun, and he
+turned round to me and says, says he, "Ah, Mr. ROBERT, if there was
+many such reel lovely angels as that a flying about, I rayther thinks
+as I shood be perswaded to turn a Bennedictus myself." I didn't at all
+know what he meant, but I thort as it was werry credittable to him.
+We got quite a chatting arterwards in the Libery, of course I don't
+mean to say as I forgot for a moment the strornary difference atween
+us, but he had werry ewidently been werry much struck by the lovely
+Bridesmade, for he says, "Mr. ROBERT," says he, "what's about the rite
+time for a man to marry?"
+
+Of course I was reglar staggered, but I pulls myself together, and I
+says, without not no hesitashun, "Jest a leetle under 30, your ----
+----, for the Gent, and jest a leetle over 20 for the Lady, and then
+the Gent gits just about 10 years advantage, which I thinks as he's
+well entitled to." At which he larfs quite hartily, and he says, "Why
+that wood keep me single for another ten years--but I will think it
+over;" and, strange to say, jest as we passed again by the room as the
+Bridal party was in, the same lovely Bridesmade happend to be near the
+door, so they coud both have a good look at each other, and a hansum
+cupple they was, if ever I seed one. And when his ---- ---- wished
+me good day, which he did, quite in a frendly way, he added, with his
+most bewtifool smile, "Ten years, MR. ROBERT, seems a long time to
+wait for such a sweet angel as that!"
+
+Ah, it's a rum world as we all lives in, and in nothink much rummer
+than in the wunderfool power of a bewtifool face, ah, and as sumbody
+says, for Wheel or for Wo, jest as it appens, more's the pitty.
+
+I rayther thinks, as I gathers from the tork of the many yung swells
+as we has dining here, that they are not altogether what I shoud call
+a marrying race; they seems to think as there's allers plenty of time
+for that sollem seremony when they're a good deal older.
+
+Ah, of course it isn't for a poor old Hed Waiter to presume to adwise
+young and hemenent swells, but my xperiense of uman life teaches me,
+as the werry werry appiest time of a man's life is from 30 to about
+40, perwided as he has been lucky enuff to secure for hisself a yung,
+bewtifool, good-tempered, helegant, and ercomplished Bride, to, as the
+Poet says, harve his sorrows, and dubble his joys.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE ILLUSTRATOR) HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+_Fair Authoress_. "AND, FOR THE FRONTISPIECE, I WANT YOU TO DRAW THE
+HEROINE STANDING PROUDLY ERECT BY THE SEASHORE, GAZING AT THE STILL
+IMAGE OF HERSELF IN THE TROUBLED WAVES. THE SUN IS SETTING; IN THE
+EAST THE NEW MOON IS RISING--A THIN CRESCENT. HER FACE IS THICKLY
+VEILED; AN UNSHED TEAR IS GLISTENING IN HER BLUE EYE; HER SLENDER,
+WHITE, JEWELLED HANDS ARE CLENCHED INSIDE HER MUFF. THE CURLEWS ARE
+CALLING, UNSEEN--"
+
+_F.A.'s Husband_. "YES; DON'T FORGET THE CURLEWS--THEY COME IN
+CAPITALLY! I CAN LEND YOU A STUFFED ONE, YOU KNOW--TO DRAW FROM!" &c.,
+&c., &c., &c., &c.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LYING SPIRIT.
+
+  The Lying Spirit! "Doctrine hard!" some mutter,
+    Dictated by unsympathetic scorn;
+  A doctrine that on light would draw the shutter,
+    And close the opening gateways of the morn.
+  No so; no guiding light would _Punch_ extinguish,
+    Or chill true champion of the toiling crowd;
+  But wisdom at its kindliest must distinguish
+    Between true guides and tricksters false as loud.
+  The blameless King his headlong knights upbraided
+    In kindly grief for "following foolish fires,"
+  False flames that in mere dun marsh-darkness faded,
+    Leaving lost votaries to its mists and mires;
+  And here's an _ignis fatuus_, fired by folly,
+    And moved by violence as fierce as blind;
+  The gulf before's a bourne most melancholy,
+    And what of those fast following behind?
+  Well-meaning hearts, maybe, all expectation
+    Of glittering gains upon a perilous road,
+  Stirred by wild whirling words to keen elation,
+    Pricked on by poverty's imperious goad;
+  Hoping,--as who of hope shall be forbidden?--
+    Striving,--as who hath not the right to strive?--
+  For flaunted gain through perils shrewdly hidden!
+    Oh, labourers hard in Industry's huge hive,
+  What wonder, if, ill-paid and tired, you hasten
+    To follow the loud bauble and the lure,
+  Or gird at those who your wild hopes would chasten,
+    Or guide you on a pathway more secure!
+  And yet beware! No oriflamme of battle
+    Is that false radiance round yon impish brow.
+  The jester's bladder-bauble, with its rattle
+    Of prisoned peas, is not the tow-row-row
+  Of Labour's true _reveillé_. Bonnet Phrygian,
+    Cap of sham Liberty, the spectre wears;
+  But he will plunge to depths of darkness Stygian
+    Whom anti-civic Violence ensnares.
+  Plain Justice, honest Hope are good to follow,
+    But Insubordination, fierce and blind,
+  Mouthing out furious threat or promise hollow.
+    Is the sworn foe of civilised mankind;
+  Breaking up ancient bonds of love and duty,
+    All social links that bear abiding test,
+  With no sound promise of a better beauty,
+    A fairer justice, or a truer rest.
+  No; patient Labour, with its long-borne burden
+    And guardian Force, with its thrice-noble trust,
+  Claim from the State the fullest, freest guerdon,
+    And all wise souls, all spirits fair and just,
+  Must back the Great Appeal that Time advances,
+    And Progress justifies in this our time.
+  But civic Violence, in all circumstances
+    Now like to hap, is anti-social crime,
+  Foul in its birth and fatal in its issue.
+    Tyrannic act, incendiary speech,
+  Recklessly rend the subtly woven tissue
+    That binds Society's organs each to each.
+  Strong Toiler, deft Auxiliar, stalwart Warder,
+    Your hour has struck, your tyrants face their doom,
+  But let hot haste unsettle temperate order,
+    And Hope's bright disc will feel eclipse's gloom.
+  This is a lying spirit, sly and sinister,
+    Its promise false, its loud incitements vain.
+  Not to your true advantage shall it minister,
+    Mere Goblin Gold its glittering show of Gain:
+  Spectre of Chaos and the Abyss, it flutters
+    Before you flaunting high its foolish fire,
+  But there's a lie in each loud word it utters,
+    And its true goal is Anarchy's choking mire!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIME THE AVENGER!
+
+On the 24th of June, 1871, _Mr. Punch_ sang, _àpropos_ of the Germans
+desiring to purchase Heligoland--
+
+  "Though to rule the waves, we may believe they aspire,
+    If their Navy grow great, we must let it;
+  But if one British island they think to acquire,
+    Bless their hearts, don't they wish they may get it?"
+
+And they _have_ got it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LYING SPIRIT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GRUMBLE FOR THE GRENADIERS.
+
+  What is this your _Punch_ hears of you? Can't you dissipate his fears?
+  Did the bugle ring out vainly for the British Grenadiers?
+  Once the regiment was famous for its deeds of derring-do,
+  And you followed where the flag went when on alien winds it flew.
+  Has the soldiers' "oath of duty" been forgotten, that you shirk,
+  Not the face of foe, we're certain, but this kit-inspecting work?
+
+  You have trodden paths of glory (we have seen your banners fly)
+  Where the murky smoke of battle gathered thickly o'er the sky;
+  Can you thus besmirch the laurels that in other days you won,
+  By forgetfulness of duties that by soldiers must be done?
+  Egad! my gallant lads, your _Punch_ can scarce believe his ears,
+  When he hears this shocking story of the British Grenadiers!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AT A DANCE.
+
+    The Hostess is receiving her Guests at the head of the
+    staircase; a Conscientiously Literal Man presents himself.
+
+_Hostess_ (_with a gracious smile, and her eyes directed to the people
+immediately behind him_). _So_ glad you were able to come--how do you
+_do_?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_The Conscientiously Literal Man_. Well, if you had asked me that
+question this afternoon, I should have said was in for a severe attack
+of malarial fever--I had all the symptoms--but, about seven o'clock
+this evening, they suddenly passed off, and--
+
+    [Perceives, to his surprise, that his Hostess's attention
+    is wandering, and decides to tell her the rest later in the
+    evening.
+
+_Mr. Clumpsole_. How do you do, Miss THISTLEDOWN? Can you give me a
+dance?
+
+_Miss Thistledown_ (_who has danced with him before_--once). With
+pleasure--let me see, the third extra after supper? Don't forget.
+
+_Miss Brushleigh_ (_to Major Erser_). Afraid I can't give you anything
+just now--but if you see me standing about later on, you can come and
+ask me again, you know.
+
+_Mr. Boldover_ (_glancing eagerly round the room as he enters, and
+soliloquizing mentally_). She ought to be here by this time, if she's
+coming--can't see her though--she's certainly not dancing. There's her
+sister over there with the mother. She _hasn't_ come, or she'd be with
+them. Poor-looking lot of girls here to-night--don't think much of
+this music--get away as soon as I can, no _go_ about the thing!...
+Hooray! There she is, after all! Jolly waltz this is they're playing!
+How pretty she's looking--how pretty _all_ the girls are looking! If
+I can only get her to give me one dance, and sit out most of it
+somewhere! I feel as if I could talk to her to-night. By Jove, I'll
+try it!
+
+    [Watches his opportunity, and is cautiously making his way
+    towards his divinity, when he is intercepted.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_. Mr. BOLDOVER, I do believe you were going to _cut_
+me! (_Mr. B. protests and apologises._) Well, _I_ forgive you. I've
+been wanting to have another talk with you for ever so long. I've
+been thinking so _much_ of what you said that evening about BROWNING'S
+relation to Science and the Supernatural. Suppose you take me
+downstairs for an ice or something, and we can have it out comfortably
+together.
+
+    [Dismay of Mr. B., who has entirely forgotten any theories
+    he may have advanced on the subject, but has no option but to
+    comply; as he leaves the room with Mrs. GRAPPLETON on his
+    arm, he has a torturing glimpse of Miss ROUNDARM, apparently
+    absorbed in her partner's conversation.
+
+_Mr. Senior Roppe_ (_as he waltzes_). Oh, you needn't feel convicted
+of extraordinary ignorance, I assure you, Miss FEATHERHEAD. YOU would
+be surprised if you knew how many really clever persons have found
+that simple little problem of nought divided by one too much for them.
+Would you have supposed, by the way, that there is a reservoir in
+Pennsylvania containing a sufficient number of gallons to supply all
+London for eighteen months? You don't quite realise it, I see. "How
+many gallons is that?" Well, let me calculate roughly--taking
+the population of London at four millions, and the average daily
+consumption for each individual at--no, I can't work it out with
+sufficient accuracy while I am dancing; suppose we sit down, and I'll
+do it for you on my shirt-cuff--oh, very well; then I'll work it out
+when I get home, and send you the result to-morrow, if you will allow
+me.
+
+_Mr. Culdersack_ (_who has provided himself beforehand with a set of
+topics for conversation--to his partner, as they halt for a moment_).
+Er--(_consults some hieroglyphics on his cuff stealthily_)--have you
+read STANLEY'S book yet?
+
+_Miss Tabula Raiser_. No, I haven't. Is it interesting?
+
+_Mr. Culdersack_. I can't say. I've not seen it myself. Shall
+we--er--?
+
+    [They take another turn.
+
+_Mr. C._ I suppose you have--er--been to the (_hesitates between
+the Academy and the Military Exhibition--decides on latter topic as
+fresher_) Military Exhibition?
+
+_Miss T.R._ No--not yet. What do you think of it?
+
+_Mr. C._ Oh--_I_ haven't been either. Er--do you care to--?
+
+    [They take another turn.
+
+_Mr. C._ (_after third halt_). Er--do you take any interest in
+politics?
+
+_Miss T.R._ Not a bit.
+
+_Mr. C._ (_much relieved_). No more do I. (_Considers that he has
+satisfied all mental requirements_). Er--let me take you down-stairs
+for an ice.
+
+    [They go.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_ (_re-entering with_ Mr. BOLDOVER, _after a
+discussion that has outlasted two ices and a plate of strawberries_).
+Well, I thought you would have explained my difficulties better than
+_that_--oh, what a _delicious_ waltz! Doesn't it set you longing to
+dance?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_who sees_ Miss ROUNDARM _in the distance, disengaged_).
+Yes, I really think I must--
+
+    [Preparing to escape.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_. I'm getting such an old thing, that really I
+oughtn't to--but well, just this _once_, as my husband isn't here.
+
+    [MR. BOLDOVER resigns himself to necessity once more.
+
+_First Chaperon_ (_to 2nd ditto_). How sweet it is of your eldest girl
+to dance with that absurd Mr. CLUMPSOLE! It's really too _bad_ of him
+to make such an exhibition of her--one can't help smiling at them!
+
+_Second Ch._ Oh, ETHEL never can bear to hurt anyone's feelings--so
+different from some girls! By the way, I've not seen _your_ daughter
+dancing to-night--men who dance are so scarce nowadays--I suppose they
+think they have the right to be a little fastidious.
+
+_First Ch._ BELLA has been out so much this week, that she doesn't
+care to dance except with a really first-rate partner. She is not so
+easily pleased as your ETHEL, I'm afraid.
+
+_Second Ch._ ETHEL is _young_, you see, and, when one is pressed so
+much to dance, one can hardly refuse, _can_ one? When she has had as
+many Seasons as BELLA, she will be less energetic, I daresay.
+
+    [MR. BOLDOVER has at last succeeded in approaching Miss
+    ROUNDARM, and even in inducing her to sit out a dance with
+    him; but, having led her to a convenient alcove, he finds
+    himself totally unable to give any adequate expression to the
+    rapture he feels at being by her side.
+
+_Mr. B._ (_determined to lead up to it somehow_). I--I was rather
+thinking--(_he_ meant _to say, "devoutly hoping," but, to his own
+bitter disgust, it comes out like this_)--I should meet you here
+to-night.
+
+_Miss R._ Were you? Why?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_with a sudden dread of going too far just yet_). Oh,
+(_carelessly_), you know how one _does_ wonder who will be at a place,
+and who won't.
+
+_Miss R._ No, indeed, I don't.--_how_ does one wonder?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_with a vague notion of implying a complimentary exception
+in her case_). Oh, well, generally--(_with the fatal tendency of a shy
+man to a sweeping statement_)--one may be pretty sure of meeting just
+the people one least wants to see, you know.
+
+_Miss R._ And so you thought you would probably meet me. I _see_.
+
+_Mr. B._ (_overwhelmed with confusion, and not in the least knowing
+what he says_). No, no, I didn't think that--I hoped you mightn't--I
+mean, I was afraid you might--
+
+    [Stops short, oppressed by the impossibility of explaining.
+
+_Miss R._ You are not very complimentary to-night, are you?
+
+_Mr. B._ I can't pay compliments--to _you_--I don't know how it is,
+but I never can talk to you as I can to other people!
+
+_Miss R._ Are you amusing when you are with other people?
+
+_Mr. B._ At all events I can find things to say to _them_.
+
+    Enter Another Man.
+
+_Another Man_ (_to_ Miss B.). Our dance, I think?
+
+_Miss R._ (_who had intended to get out of it_). I was wondering if
+you ever meant to come for it. (_To_ Mr. B., _as they rise._) Now
+I shan't feel I am depriving the other people! (_Perceives the
+speechless agony in his expression, and relents._) Well, you can have
+the next after this if you care about it--only _do_ try to think of
+something in the meantime! (_As she goes off._) You will--won't you?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_to himself_). She's given me another chance! If only I can
+rise to it. Let me see--what shall I begin with? _I_ know--_Supper!_
+She hasn't been down yet.
+
+_His Hostess_. Oh, Mr. BOLDOVER, you're not dancing this--do be good
+and take someone down to supper--those poor Chaperons are dying for
+some food.
+
+    [Mr. B. takes down a Matron whose repast is protracted
+    through three waltzes and a set of Lancers--he comes up to
+    find Miss ROUNDARM gone, and the Musicians putting up their
+    instruments.
+
+_Coachman at door_ (_to Linkman, as Mr. B. goes down the steps_).
+That's the _lot_, JIM!
+
+    [Mr. B. walks home, wishing the Park Gates were not shut, to
+    as to render the Serpentine inaccessible_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHADOWING AT HENLEY REGATTA.
+
+TOBY, M.P., TAKES AN INSTANTANEOUS PHOTOGRAPH WITH HIS DETECTIVE
+CAMERA IN THE BOW OF MR. PUNCH'S BOAT, WITH THE ABOVE EXTRAORDINARY
+RESULT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 7._--Cabinet Council on Saturday;
+House begins to think it's time Ministers made up their minds what
+they're going to do with business of Session. But OLD MORALITY returns
+customary answer. Ministry still carefully considering question.
+Meantime he has nothing to say.
+
+"Except in respect of sex and age, O.M. reminds me." said ALBEBT
+ROLLIT, "of scene in play recently put on stage by BEERBOHM TREE--_A
+Man's Shadow_ it was called. Daresay you remember, TOBY; there's a
+murder witnessed through window by wife and little daughter.
+They think it's their man that did the deed; but 'twas the other
+fellow--the Shadow, don't you know. There is police inquiry; mother
+and daughter cross-examined; believe the murderer is the husband and
+father; saw him do it with their own eyes; but of course not going
+to peach; little girl pressed to tell all she knows; makes answer in
+voice that thrills Gallery, and makes mothers in the Pit weep, 'I have
+seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Never see OLD MORALITY come to
+the table, as he is now accustomed nightly to do, and protest he has
+no statement to make, than I think of the little TERRY in this Scene,
+and her wailing, piteous cry, 'I have seen nothing, I have heard
+nothing.' Quite time he had, though. If Ministers can't make up their
+minds, what's the House to do? Begin to think if things don't mend
+soon, I shall have a better record of business done to show at end of
+Session than the Ministry. Bankruptcy Bill will make three Measures to
+me this Session."
+
+[Illustration: "THE SHADOWLESS MAN."
+
+(_Latest Irish Edition of the Old German Romance_.)
+
+[In the course of the Debate last Monday week, Mr. DILLON said, "I was
+never shadowed."]]
+
+Irish Constabulary Vote on; Prince ARTHUR lounging on Treasury Bench;
+prepares to receive Irishry; engagement opens a little flat, with
+speech from JOHN ELLIS, oration from O'PICTON, and feeble flagellation
+from FLYNN. Then Prince ARTHUR suddenly, unexpectedly, dashes in.
+Empty benches fill up; stagnant pool stirred to profoundest depths:
+ARTHUR professes to be tolerant of Irish Members, but declares himself
+abhorrent of connivance of Right Hon. Gentleman above Gangway. Talks
+at Mr. G., who begins visibly to bristle before our very eyes as
+he sits attentive on Front Bench. ARTHUR in fine fighting trim;
+Ministerial bark may be labouring in troubled waters; a suddenly
+gathered storm, coming from all quarters, has surrounded, and
+threatens to whelm it; MATTHEWS may be sinking under adversity; the
+Postmen may pull down RAIKES; GOSCHEN is gone; OLD MORALITY'S cheerful
+nature is being soured; there is talk of Dissolution, and death. But
+if this is Prince ARTHUR'S last time of defending his rule in Ireland,
+it shall not be done in half-hearted way. Come storm, come wrack, at
+least he'll die with harness on his back.
+
+The accused becomes the accuser. Called upon to defend himself, he
+turns, and makes a slashing attack on his pursuers, carrying the
+war into their camp. Scorning the Captains and Men-at-arms, he goes
+straight for Mr. G., and in an instant swords clash across the table,
+and shields are dinted. Nothing more delightful than to hear Mr. G.
+complaining, as he rose, and took his coat off, that Prince ARTHUR
+had "dragged him into the controversy." On the whole, he bore the
+infliction pretty well, and went for ARTHUR neck and crop. _Business
+done_.--Irish Votes in Supply.
+
+
+_Tuesday_.--"I have seen nothing; I have heard nothing." Pathetic
+refrain of OLD MORALITY murmured again to-night: Members wanted to
+know about various things; but in OLD MORALITY'S mind, fate of the
+Tithes Bill, intentions of Government touching proposed new Standing
+Order, and allocation of money originally intended for Publicans, all
+a blank. "We are still considering," says he.
+
+"A most considerate Government," says WILFRID LAWSON. "Might save time
+and trouble if they had at table an automatic machine; Members wanting
+to know how business is to be arranged, what Bills to be dropped, and
+which gone forward with, could go up to table, drop a penny in the
+slot, and out would come the answer--'I have seen nothing; I have
+heard nothing.'"
+
+Seems that HANBURY has exceptional means of obtaining information.
+OLD MORALITY has privately shown him Military Report with respect to
+Heligoland. A confidential communication, something of the kind the
+MARKISS carried on with the population of Heligoland. But HANBURY
+straightway goes and tells all about it in a letter to one of his
+Constituents; letter gets into papers. SUMMERS reads it out to House.
+Eagerly thirsting after knowledge on military matters, SUMMERS wants
+also to see the text of Report. Why should HANBURY have it all to
+himself? Quartermaster-General SUMMERS would like opportunity of
+studying it, and forming opinion as to accuracy of the naval and
+military men who have drawn up plan. Will OLD MORALITY favour him
+by placing him on an equality of confidence with HANBURY? No, OLD
+MORALITY will not. Howl of indignant despair from Radicals. Never
+heard of this Report before; but that HANBURY should see it, and
+thereby be enabled to assure his constituents, even by nods and winks,
+that it was all right about Heligoland, was more than they could put
+up with. O'PICTON sat morose at the corner seat below the Gangway.
+Who was HANBURY, that he should have the advantage of studying these
+military documents when the grand-nephew of PICTON of Waterloo was
+left out in the cold, his martial instincts unsatisfied, his knowledge
+of strategical points of the British Empire unsatiated?
+
+Another instance this of the misfortune that pursues the Government.
+Little did OLD MORALITY think, when in moment of weakness he showed
+this important document to HANBURY, what a hornet's nest it would
+bring about his unoffending head.
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Constabulary Vote passed.
+
+
+_Thursday_.--At last OLD MORALITY has heard something and seen
+something. Heard how things went on to-day in Committee on Procedure.
+Worse and worse. Prince ARTHUR made curious blunder for one so alert:
+introduced into draft Report admission of principle that Lords might,
+an they pleased, refuse to consider in current Session, any Bill
+coming up to them from Commons. HARCOURT saw his opportunity; used
+it with irresistible skill and force. Committee adjourned in almost
+comatose state.
+
+This is what OLD MORALITY has heard from JOKIM, who begins to think
+that, after all, life is a serious thing. What he sees is, that it
+is impossible to further delay decision about business. Accordingly
+announces complete surrender. All, all are gone, the old familiar
+faces--Land Purchase Bill, Tithe Bill, and even this later project
+of the new Standing Order. "What, all our pretty chicks?" cry the
+agonised Ministerialists.
+
+"Yes," said OLD MORALITY, mingling his tears with theirs, "our duty to
+our QUEEN and Country demands this sacrifice. But," he added, bracing
+up, significantly eyeing Mr. G., and speaking in dear solemn tones,
+"we reserve to ourselves absolute freedom of action on a future
+occasion." Opposition shouted with laughter, whilst OLD MORALITY stood
+and stared, and wondered what was amusing them now. New Session is,
+according to present intentions, to open in November. Will the Land
+Purchase Bill be taken first? Mr. G. wants to know.
+
+"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, "I have indicated the views of the
+Government as to the Land Purchase Bill, according as those views
+are held at the present time." (Cheers from the Ministerialists.)
+Encouraged by this applause, and, happy thought striking him, went on:
+"But it is impossible for the Government to say what circumstances may
+occur to qualify those views."
+
+Once more Opposition break into storm of laughter; OLD MORALITY again
+regards them with dubious questioning gaze.
+
+"Curious thing, TOBY," he said to me afterwards, "those fellows
+opposite always laugh when I drop in my most diplomatic sentences.
+It's very well for MACHIAVELLI that he didn't live in these times,
+and lead House of Commons instead of the Government of the Florentine
+Republic. He would never have opened his mouth without those Radicals
+and Irishmen going off into a fit of laughter."
+
+_Business done_.--Announcement that business _won't_ be done.
+
+
+_Friday_.--Still harping on Irish Votes. Want to dock Prince ARTHUR'S
+salary. SWIFT MACNEILL brought down model of battering-ram used at
+Falcarragh; holds it up; shows it in working order; Committee much
+interested; inclined to encourage this sort of thing; pleasant
+interlude in monotony of denunciation of Prince ARTHUR and all his
+works; no knowing what developments may not be in store; the other
+night had magic-lantern performance just off Terrace; that all very
+well on fine night; but when it's raining must keep indoors and
+battering-ram suitable for indoor exhibition.
+
+HAVELOCK wanted to borrow it, says he would like to show SCHWANN how
+it works; but MACNEILL couldn't spare it till Irish Votes through.
+
+New turn given to Debate by plaintive declaration from JOHN DILLON
+that he has "never been shadowed." "A difficult lot to deal with,"
+says ARTHUR, gazing curiously at the Shadowless Man. "If they are
+shadowed, they protest; if they're not, they repine."
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Votes in Committee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+
+AT THE ACADEMY SOIRÉE.
+
+"_How well your Picture bears the artificial light!_" i.e., "Couldn't
+look worse than it does by daylight."
+
+"_Mustn't keep you on the stairs. Such heaps of your friends asking
+for you upstairs_;" i.e., "Got rid of him, thank goodness!"
+
+"_Here you are at last! Been dodging you from room to room!_" i.e.,
+"To keep out of your way. Caught at last, worse luck!"
+
+"_You look as if you had just stepped out of a picture-frame!_" i.e.,
+"Wish you'd step back into one!"
+
+"_Not seen Mr. O'Kew's picture? You_ must _see it. Only three rooms
+from here, and no crowd there now. So go and bring me back word what
+you think_;" i.e., "Now to flee!"
+
+
+AT LORD'S.
+
+"_Yes, I'm so fond of Cricket_;" i.e., "How can I find out if Oxford
+or Cambridge is in?"
+
+"_Don't move, pray_;" i.e., "If she doesn't, I shall be smothered in
+lobster-salad!"
+
+"_Not the least in my way, thanks_;" i.e., "Does she think I can see
+through her parasol?"
+
+"_Pray join us at lunch! Heaps of room in the carriage_;" i.e., "Hope
+she doesn't! It only holds four, and we're six already."
+
+"_Don't they call a hit to the left like that, a Drive?_" i.e.,
+"Young-rich--good-looking--worth catching--looks as if he liked 'sweet
+simplicity.'"
+
+
+ELECTIONEERING.
+
+"_Has at heart the best interests of the Borough_;" i.e., Means to
+subscribe largely to all local clubs and charities.
+
+"_The honour of representing you in Parliament_;" i.e., "The pleasure
+of advertising myself."
+
+"_I should wish to keep my mind open on that subject_;" i.e., "I
+cannot afford to commit myself just yet."
+
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.
+
+"_I have never heard such an astounding argument_;" i.e., "Since I
+last employed it myself."
+
+"_To come to the real question at issue_;" i.e., "To introduce my one
+strong point."
+
+"_I do not pledge myself to these figures_;" i.e., "The next speaker
+will very likely show them to be absolutely unreliable."
+
+
+IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.
+
+"_Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you_;" i.e., "I wasn't
+listening."
+
+"_I rather understood that you were arguing, &c., &c._;" i.e., "You
+are now flatly contradicting yourself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISCIPLINE!
+
+(A FARCICAL TRAGEDY, IN TWO SCENES--NOT LICENSED FOR
+REPRESENTATION.)
+
+
+SCENE I.--THE BARRACK SQUARE. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY, AWAITING
+INSPECTION.
+
+_Captain_ (_to Subaltern_). Have you proved them?
+
+_Subaltern_. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know their places, and
+it is useless labour.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--I daresay they are right. You know we have been
+told to be conciliatory. Open order! March! For inspection--port arms!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Sergeant_ (_stepping forward, and saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir,
+but the men are under the impression that you wish to examine their
+rifles?
+
+_Capt._ Certainly. (_To Subaltern_). Take the rear rank, while I look
+after the front.
+
+_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven't taken open order yet.
+They say that they are responsible for their rifles when they have to
+use them before the enemy, and you may rely upon it that they will be
+all right then.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--then we will dispense with inspection of arms.
+Buttons bright, and straps in their proper places?
+
+_Serg._ (_doubtfully_). So they say, Sir.
+
+_Capt._ Well, then, read the orders.
+
+_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know their duty, and
+don't want to listen to no orders.
+
+_Capt._ Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so patriotic. Hope
+that the Commanding Officer will dispense (under the circumstances)
+with the formality. Anything more?
+
+_Serg._ Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told off for duty on
+guard, Sir.
+
+_Capt._ March them off, then.
+
+_Serg._ Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to you.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--bring them up. (Sergeant _obeys_.) Now, men, what
+is it?
+
+_Private Brown_. Please, Sir, I have got a tooth-ache.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--fall out, and go to the doctor.
+
+_Private B._ Please, Sir, I don't want to see no doctor. I can cure
+myself.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--cure yourself. (Private _salutes, and retires._)
+And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what do you want?
+
+_Private Jones_. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told off for
+guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to expect us to do
+sentry-go so soon.
+
+_Capt._ Well, you know your orders.
+
+_Private J._ Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll explain to the War
+Office if there's any row about it!
+
+    [The Privates salute, and retire.
+
+_Capt._ Anything else, Sergeant?
+
+_Sergt._ Well, no, Sir--you see the men won't do anything.
+
+_Capt._ Under those circumstances, I suppose I have only to give the
+usual words of command. Company, attention! Right turn--dismiss!
+
+    [They dismiss.
+
+
+SCENE II.--BEFORE THE ENEMY. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY AWAITING ORDERS
+TO ADVANCE.
+
+_Captain_.--Now, my men, all you have to do is to keep your heads, and
+obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!
+
+_Subaltern_. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded without bayonets.
+
+_Capt._ Well, that's to be regretted; although they are small enough
+nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a thousand yards!
+Ready!
+
+_Sub._ Very sorry. Sir, but the men forgot to bring their ammunition.
+
+_Capt._--Come, this is getting serious! Here's the Cavalry preparing
+to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em off! Right turn!
+
+_Sergeant_. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and don't know
+their right hands from their left.
+
+_Capt._ (_losing his temper_). Confound it! They don't, don't
+they! Well, hang it all, I suppose they will understand this? (_To
+Company._) Here, you pampered useless idiots--bolt!
+
+    [They bolt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CUTTING (transplanted from the advertisements in the _Belfast
+News-Letter_):--
+
+    WANTED, A PARROT: one brought up in a respectable family, and
+    that has not been taught naughty words or bigoted expressions,
+    preferred.--Apply by letter, stating price, &c.
+
+"Preferred!" What sort of a Parrot had they been previously accustomed
+to at that house?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11919 ***
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 19, 1890, by Various</title>
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11919 ***</div>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July
+19, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br />
+           and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 99.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>July 19, 1890.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25"
+       id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span>
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/25.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/25.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>PARALLEL.</h3>Joe, the Fat Boy in Pickwick, startles
+        the Old Lady; Oscar, the Fad Boy in Lippincott's, startles
+        Mrs. Grundy.<br />
+        <i>Oscar, the Fad Boy</i>. "I want to make your flesh
+        creep!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The Baron has read OSCAR WILDE'S Wildest and Oscarest work,
+    called <i>Dorian Gray</i>, a weird sensational romance,
+    complete in one number of <i>Lippincott's Magazine</i>. The
+    Baron, recommends anybody who revels in <i>diablerie</i>, to
+    begin it about half-past ten, and to finish it at one sitting
+    up; but those who do not so revel he advises either not to read
+    it at all, or to choose the daytime, and take it in
+    homoeopathic doses. The portrait represents the soul of the
+    beautiful Ganymede-like <i>Dorian Gray</i>, whose youth and
+    beauty last to the end, while his soul, like JOHN BROWN'S,
+    "goes marching on" into the Wilderness of Sin. It becomes at
+    last a devilled soul. And then <i>Dorian</i> sticks a knife
+    into it, as any ordinary mortal might do, and a fork also, and
+    next morning</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Lifeless but 'hideous' he lay,"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>while the portrait has recovered the perfect beauty which it
+    possessed when it first left the artist's easel. If OSCAR
+    intended an allegory, the finish is dreadfully wrong. Does he
+    mean that, by sacrificing his earthly life, <i>Dorian Gray</i>
+    atones for his infernal sins, and so purifies his soul by
+    suicide? "Heavens! I am no preacher," says the Baron, "and
+    perhaps OSCAR didn't mean anything at all, except to give us a
+    sensation, to show how like BULWER LYTTON'S old-world style he
+    could make his descriptions and his dialogue, and what an easy
+    thing it is to frighten the respectable <i>Mrs. Grundy</i> with
+    a Bogie." The style is decidedly Lyttonerary. His aphorisms are
+    Wilde, yet forced. Mr. OSCAR WILDE says of his story, "it is
+    poisonous if you like, but you cannot deny that it is also
+    perfect, and perfection is what we artists aim at." Perhaps;
+    but "we artists" do not always hit what we aim at, and, despite
+    his confident claim to unerring artistic marksmanship, one must
+    hazard the opinion, that in this case Mr. WILDE has "shot
+    wide." There is indeed more of "poison" than of "perfection" in
+    <i>Dorian Gray</i>. The central idea is an excellent, if not
+    exactly novel, one; and a finer art, say that of NATHANIEL
+    HAWTHORNE, would have made a striking and satisfying story of
+    it. <i>Dorian Gray</i> is striking enough, in a sense, but it
+    is not "satisfying" artistically, any more than it is so
+    ethically. Mr. WILDE has preferred the sensuous and
+    hyperdecorative manner of "Mademoiselle DE MAUPIN," and without
+    GAUTIER'S power, has spoilt a promising conception by clumsy
+    unideal treatment. His "decoration" (upon which he plumes
+    himself) is indeed "laid on with a trowel." The luxuriously
+    elaborate details of his "artistic hedonism" are too suggestive
+    of South Kensington Museum and &aelig;sthetic
+    Encyclop&aelig;dias. A truer art would have avoided both the
+    glittering conceits, which bedeck the body of the story, and
+    the unsavoury suggestiveness which lurks in its spirit.
+    Poisonous! Yes. But the loathly "leperous distilment" taints
+    and spoils, without in any way subserving "perfection,"
+    artistic or otherwise. If <i>Mrs. Grundy</i> doesn't read it,
+    the younger <i>Grundies</i> do; that is, the <i>Grundies</i>
+    who belong to Clubs, and who care to shine in certain sets
+    wherein this story will be much discussed. "I have read it,
+    and, except for the ingenious idea, I wish to forget it," says
+    the Baron.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Baron has seen the new, lively, and eccentric newspaper,
+    entitled <i>The Whirlwind</i>. It has reached the third number.
+    "I am informed," says the Baron, "that, on payment of five
+    guineas down, I can become a life-subscriber to the
+    <i>Whirlwind</i>. But what does life-subscriber mean? Do I
+    subscribe for the term of my life, or for the term of the
+    <i>Whirlwind's</i> life? Suppose the <i>Whirlwind</i> has to be
+    wound up, or whirl-winded up, and suppose I am still going on,
+    can I intervene to stop the proceedings, and insist on my
+    contract to be supplied with a <i>Whirlwind</i> per week for
+    the remainder of my natural or unnatural life being carried
+    out? If the contract is for our lives, then, as a
+    life-subscriber, I should insist on the <i>Whirlwind</i>
+    remaining co-existent with me, so that, up to my latest breath,
+    I might have a <i>Whirlwind</i>. But if the life-subscription
+    of five guineas is only for the term of the <i>Whirlwind's</i>
+    life, then, I fancy the proprietors, editor, and staff, that
+    the Hon. STUART ERSKINE and Mr. HERBERT VIVIAN, who are, I
+    believe, the Proprietors, Editor, and Staff of the
+    <i>Whirlwind</i>, will have by far the better of the bargain. I
+    resist the temptation, and keep my five pounds five shillings
+    in my pocket, and am</p>
+
+    <p>"Yours truly, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR NEW ADVERTISEMENT COLUMN.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[All applications in answer to be addressed to the
+        office of this journal, accompanied by handsome P.O.O, and
+        lots of shilling stamps, which will in every case be
+        retained, without acknowledgment, as a guarantee of good
+        faith.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>URGENT CASE.&mdash;WANTED, by a little Boy, aged 10, of
+    thoroughly disagreeable temper, selfish, greedy, ill-mannered,
+    and thoroughly spoilt at home, a good sound Whipping, weekly,
+    if possible. Great care will be necessary on the part of
+    applicant in fulfilling requirements, parents of youth in
+    question, being firmly convinced that he is a noble little
+    fellow, with a fine manly spirit, just what his dear Papa was
+    at his age (as is very probably the case) and only requiring
+    peculiarly gentle and considerate treatment.&mdash;Apply (in
+    first instance, by letter) to Godfather, care of <i>Mr.
+    Punch</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS,&mdash;affectionate but
+    practical-minded, and anxious to find economical homes
+    (somewhere else) for young gentlemen who cannot get on without
+    expensive assistance at starting in Mother country, owing to
+    excessive competition in laborious and over-crowded
+    professions. A firm of enterprising Agents offer bracing and
+    profitable occupation (coupled with the use <i>gratis</i>, of
+    two broken spades, an old manure-cart, and an axe without a
+    handle) in a peculiarly romantic and unhealthy district in the
+    backwoods of West-Torrida. Photograph, if desired, of Agent's
+    residence (distant several hundred miles away.) Excellent
+    opening for young men fresh from first-class public school or
+    college-life: who should, of course, be prepared to "rough it"
+    a little before making competence or large fortune, by
+    delightful pursuit of agriculture. No restrictive civilisation.
+    No drains. Excellent supply of water and heavy floods as a
+    rule, during three months of year, bringing on Spring crops
+    without expense of irrigation. Very low death-rate, most of
+    population having recently cleared out. Small village and
+    (horse)-doctor within twenty-five miles' ride. Wild and
+    beautiful country. Every incentive to work. Rare poisonous
+    reptiles, and tarantula spiders, most interesting to young
+    observant naturalist. Capital prospect&mdash;great saving
+    offered to careful parents anxious to set up brougham, or
+    increase private expenses. Five boys (reduction on taking a
+    quantity) disposed of for about &pound;250 and outfit, with
+    probably, no further trouble.&mdash;Address, Messrs. SHARKEY
+    AND CRIMPIN, Colonial and Emigration Agents. &amp;c.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>CONCERTS! CONCERTS!&mdash;Amateur Comic Vocalist and
+    impromptu "Vamper" (gentleman born) of several years'
+    experience in best London Society, is anxious to meet with bold
+    and speculative Manager who will offer him a first engagement.
+    Can sing&mdash;omitting a few high notes&mdash;various popular
+    melodies, comprising, "<i>Aunt Sarah's Back-hair," "The
+    Twopenny Toff of 'Ighgate 'Ill</i>," and "<i>Tommy Robinson's
+    Last Cigar</i>," and also play piano if required, with one
+    finger, but prefers to be accompanied by indefatigable friend,
+    who plays entirely by ear, and if allowed to smoke freely, can
+    "pick up" any tune in a quarter of an hour. Seldom breaks down
+    or forgets words, except before large or unsympathetic
+    audience. Fetching comic "biz," and superlative Music-hall
+    "chic." Would have no objection to black face and appear at
+    evening parties, or in fashionable streets, with banjo (if
+    provided with small police escort.) Testimonials from several
+    highly respectable relatives, now in asylum, or under treatment
+    at seaside.&mdash;Address, with terms, the Hon. ALGERNON
+    BRASSLEIGH CHEEKINGTON (or at Chimpanzee Chambers in
+    Piccadilly, W.)</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SUGGESTION FOR REFORM IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS'
+    SYSTEM.&mdash;"<i>Absence</i>" should be called immediately
+    after dinner, and then each boy, instead of saying, "Here,
+    Sir!" could reply, classically and correctly, "<i>Adsum!</i>"
+    Yours truly, AN OVER-ETON BOY.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26"
+       id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/26.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/26.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>LAT. 60&deg; 8' N. LONG. 4&deg; 30' E.</h3><i>Mr. Punch
+        en route for the Midnight Sun. First glimpse of Norway.</i>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"THE CUP THAT CHE-(HIC)-ERS!"</h2>
+
+    <p>The Total Abstainer staggered to his feet. The room seemed
+    to be waltzing round him, and his legs acted independently of
+    each other. One of those legs tried to walk to the right,
+    whilst the other moved to the left! He looked in the mirror and
+    saw a double reflection! He had two noses, a couple of mouths,
+    four eyes, and countless whiskers. This made him merry, and he
+    laughed in very glee. But only for a while! Soon he became
+    utterly depressed. Then his head ached&mdash;horribly! He tried
+    to sleep&mdash;he could not! "Never too late&mdash;to MENDAL!"
+    he gasped out, uttering in his extreme agitation the name of a
+    Physician of Berlin who had made inebriety a special study.</p>
+
+    <p>Then his muscles became weak and trembling, his aversion to
+    labour increased, and he had scarcely the energy or power to
+    observe that his complexion (in patches) was ruddier than the
+    cherry.</p>
+
+    <p>"Alas!" he sighed, and he succumbed permanently to
+    persistent dyspepsia!</p>
+
+    <p>And what was the cause of this unfortunate, this terrible
+    condition? Sad to say, the question was easily answered. The
+    Total Abstainer had taken a drop too much&mdash;of Coffee!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CATCHING;</h2>
+
+    <h3>OR, HOW FAR WILL IT GO?</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Being a Forecast of the spread of the Strike Fever,
+    from a Next Week's Diary.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;All the Police, having now been
+    replaced by Amateur Special Constables, who are as yet
+    unfamiliar with their duties, the position of the Metropolitan
+    Magistrates becomes impossible, and they resign in a body at
+    five minutes' notice, causing the greatest consternation in
+    signalling their resignation by sending every case on the
+    charge-sheet that morning for trial to a superior Court.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;The Judges, overwhelmed by the
+    prospect of an unusual and quite impossible amount of extra
+    work, demand the increase of their salaries to &pound;10,000
+    per annum. On this being categorically refused by the Treasury,
+    they then and there, on their respective Benches, severally
+    tear off their wigs and robes, and quit their Courts "for
+    good," with threatening gestures.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;The LORD CHANCELLOR, on being informed
+    of the conduct of the Judges, rips open the Woolsack,
+    scattering its contents over the floor of the House of Lords,
+    and, denouncing the Government, throws up his post on the spot.
+    The legal business of the country, coming thus to a deadlock,
+    is involved in further chaos by a sudden strike of all the
+    Members of both the Senior and Junior Bars, which is further
+    complicated by another of every Solicitor in the three
+    kingdoms.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Saturday</i>.&mdash;Gatling guns being posted in the
+    Entrance Hall, and Bow Street having been cleared by a
+    preliminary discharge of artillery, the programme of the Royal
+    Italian Opera for the evening is carried out, as advertised, at
+    Covent Garden. Ladies wearing their diamonds, are conveyed to
+    the theatre in Police Vans, surrounded by detachments of the
+    Household Cavalry, and gentlemen's evening dress is
+    supplemented by a six-chambered revolver, an iron-cased
+    umbrella, a head protector, and a double-edged
+    cut-and-thrusting broad-sword.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sunday</i>.&mdash;The Church having caught the prevailing
+    fever, the entire body of the Clergy, headed by the Bishops,
+    come out on strike, with the result that no morning, afternoon,
+    or evening services are held anywhere. The Medical Profession
+    takes up the idea, and, discovering a grievance, the Royal
+    College of Surgeons issues a manifesto. All the hospitals turn
+    out their patients, and medical men universally drop all their
+    cases. An M.D. who is known, upon urgent pressure, to have made
+    an official visit, is chased up and down Harley Street by a mob
+    of his infuriated brother practitioners, and is finally nearly
+    lynched on a lamp-post in Cavendish Square. The day closes in
+    with a serious riot in Hyde Park, caused by the meeting of the
+    conflicting elements of Society, who have all marched there
+    with their bands and banners to air their respective
+    grievances.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Monday</i>.&mdash;The London County Council, School
+    Board, Common Council, Court of Aldermen, and the Royal
+    Academicians after discovering, respectively, some trifling
+    sources of dissatisfaction, wreck their several establishments,
+    and finally march along the Thames Embankment towards
+    Westminster, singing, alternately, the "<i>Marseillaise</i>"
+    and "<i>Ask a Pleece-man.</i>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;The House of Commons, after tossing
+    the SPEAKER in his own gown, declare the Constitution extinct,
+    and, abolishing the House of Lords and giving all the Foreign
+    Ambassadors twelve hours notice to quit the country, announce
+    their own dissolution, and immediately commence their Autumn
+    Holiday.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page27"
+       id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;Railway Directors, Sweeps, Chairmen
+    of Public Companies, Coal-Heavers, Provincial Mayors, Dentists,
+    Travelling Circus Proprietors, Fish Contractors, Beadles,
+    Cabinet Ministers, Street Scavengers, Dog Fanciers,
+    Archbishops, Gas Fitters, Hereditary Legislators, Prize
+    Fighters, Poor-Law Guardians, Lion Tamers, Green-Grocers, and
+    many other discontented members of the community, having all
+    joined in a universal strike, society, becomes totally
+    disorganised, and the entire country quietly but, effectually
+    collapses, and disappears from the European system.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SHAKSPEARE ONCE AGAIN, ADAPTED TO THE SITUATION.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(See <i>Titus Andronicus</i>, Act II., Sc. 1.)</h4>
+
+    <h4><i>Aaron (the Agitator) loquitur</i>.&mdash;</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For shame, be friends, and join for that you
+            jar:</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis Union and Strikes, my lads, must do</p>
+
+            <p>That you affect; and so must you resolve</p>
+
+            <p>That what you cannot severally achieve,</p>
+
+            <p>United you may manage as you will.</p>
+
+            <p>A speedier course than lingering languishment</p>
+
+            <p>Must we pursue, and I have found the path.</p>
+
+            <p>My lads, a biggish business is in hand;</p>
+
+            <p>Together let brave British Bobbies troop:</p>
+
+            <p>The City streets are numerous and wealthy,</p>
+
+            <p>And many unfrequented nooks there be,</p>
+
+            <p>Fitted by kind for violence and theft;</p>
+
+            <p>But take you thence, and many a watchful ruffian</p>
+
+            <p>Will soon strike home, by force and not by
+            words:</p>
+
+            <p>This way, or not at all, stand you in hope.</p>
+
+            <p>Come, come, our comrades, with more sluggish
+            wit,</p>
+
+            <p>To vigilance and duty consecrate,</p>
+
+            <p>Will we acquaint with all that we intend,</p>
+
+            <p>And we will so commit them to our cause</p>
+
+            <p>That they cannot stand off or "square"
+            themselves;</p>
+
+            <p>But to your wishes' height you'll all advance.</p>
+
+            <p>The City's courts have houses of ill-fame,</p>
+
+            <p>Town's palaces are full of wanton wealth,</p>
+
+            <p>The slums are ruthless, ravenous ripe for crime.</p>
+
+            <p><i>Then speak, and strike, brave boys, and take your
+            turn</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:55%;">
+        <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/27.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Fair Authoress</i>. "SO SORRY TO BE SO LATE. I'M
+        AFRAID I'M <i>LAST</i>!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Genial Host</i>. "'<i>LAST</i>&mdash;BUT NOT
+        <i>LEAST</i>!'"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SONG SENTIMENTIANA.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A delightful "All-the-Year-Sound" Resort for the
+    Fashionable Composer.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>EXAMPLE V.&mdash;Of the transformative powers of Love,
+    under condition of Proximity.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When thou art near, the hemisphere</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Commissioned to surround me,</p>
+
+            <p>(As well as you,) is subject to</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Some changes that astound me.</p>
+
+            <p>Where'er I look I seem mistook;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All objects&mdash;what, I care
+            not&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>At once arrange to make a change</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To something that they were not!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When thou art near, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Strange things occur&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Thickness is clear, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Clearness a blur.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Penguins are weasels,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Cheap things are dear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">"Jumps" are but measles</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When thou art near!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When thou art close, the doctor's dose</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is quite a decent tonic.</p>
+
+            <p>Thy presence, too, makes all things new,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And five-act plays laconic.</p>
+
+            <p>And, with thee by, the earth's the sky,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And <i>your</i> "day out" is <i>my</i>
+            day,</p>
+
+            <p>While tailors' bills are daffodils,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Saturday is Friday!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When thou art here, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Just where you are,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Far things are near, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Near things are far.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Beef-tea is wine, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Champagne is beer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Wet days are fine, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When thou art near.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Without you stand quite close at hand,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A broker <i>is</i> a broker;</p>
+
+            <p>But stick by me, and then he'll be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A very pleasant joker!</p>
+
+            <p>Without thee by, a lie's a lie&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The truth is nought but truthful.</p>
+
+            <p>But by me stay, and night is day&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And even <i>you</i> are youthful</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When thou art near, love,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Not, love, unless,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Thick soup is clear, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Football is chess.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">IRVINGS are TOOLES, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Tadpoles are deer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Wise men are fools, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When thou art near!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>When KENNEDY fell out of his boat at Henley, his antagonist,
+    PSOTTA, magnanimously waited for him to get in again. He must
+    be a good Psotta chap.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>LOST OPPORTUNITIES.&mdash;Last Tuesday week the members of
+    the Incorporated Cain-and-Abel-Authors' Society lost a great
+    treat when Mr. GEORGE AUGUSTUS lost a indignantly refused to
+    take his seat "below the salt," and walked out without making
+    the speech with which his name was associated on the
+    toast-list. But, on the other hand, what a big chance Orator
+    GEORGE AUGUSTUS lost of coming out strong in opposition, and
+    astonishing the Pen-and-Inkorporated ones with a few stirring
+    remarks, in his most genial vein, on the brotherhood of
+    Authors, and their appreciation of distinguished services in
+    the field of Literature. It was an opportunity, too, for
+    suggesting "Re-distribution of Seats."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO MRS. H.M. STANLEY.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The merry bells do naught but ring,</p>
+
+            <p>The streets are gay with flag and pennant,</p>
+
+            <p>The birds more sweetly seem to sing&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A Heart to Let has found a TENNANT!</p>
+
+            <p>No more will HENRY MORTON roam,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor from your charms away for long
+            go,</p>
+
+            <p>But, honeymooning here at home,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Forget he ever saw the Congo!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To Oxford 'twas your husband went&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The stately home of Don and
+            Proctor&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Where, 'mid the deafening cheers that rent</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The air, he straight became a Doctor.</p>
+
+            <p>As one whose valour none can shake,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We've sung him in a thousand ditties,</p>
+
+            <p>And freedoms too we've made him take</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of goodness knows how many cities!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yet while to honour and to praise</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With one another we've been vying,</p>
+
+            <p>Has he not told us for the days</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of rest to come he ne'er ceased
+            sighing?</p>
+
+            <p>And when, with pomp of high degree,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your marriage vows and troth you
+            plighted,</p>
+
+            <p>Why, everyone was glad to see</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Art and Adventure thus united!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"To those about to Marry.&mdash;Don't!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So <i>Mr. Punch</i> did once advise
+            us.</p>
+
+            <p>Spread the advice? I'm sure you won't.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A course which hardly need surprise
+            us.</p>
+
+            <p>O lovely wife of one we think</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Above all others brave and manly,</p>
+
+            <p>We clink our glasses as we drink</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Long life and health to Mrs. STANLEY!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28"
+       id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE ANGLO-GERMAN CONCERTINA.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"I confess I was not at all prepared for the feelings
+        that some South Africans appear to entertain with respect
+        to our conduct in the recent negotiations"&mdash;<i>Lord
+        Salisbury to the Deputation of African Merchants respecting
+        the proposed Anglo-German Agreement.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:55%;">
+        <a href="images/28.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/28.png"
+             alt="" /></a><i>Imperial Instrumentalist</i>
+             (<i>loquitur</i>). "WHAT, NOT LIKE THE TONE OF IT?
+             WELL, YOU <i>DO</i> SURPRISE ME!!!"
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I fancied that this Instrument</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would make a great sensation</p>
+
+            <p>And that its music would content</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The critics and the nation,</p>
+
+            <p>I know it is what vulgar folks</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Christen the "Constant-screamer;"</p>
+
+            <p>I thought <i>you</i>'d scorn such feeble jokes;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It seems I was a dreamer.</p>
+
+            <p>You writhe your lips, you close your ears!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dear me! Such conduct tries me.</p>
+
+            <p>You do not like it, it appears</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, well,&mdash;you <i>do</i> surprise
+            me!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis not, I know, the Jingo drum,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor the "Imperial" trumpet.</p>
+
+            <p>(The country to their call won't come,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">However much you stump it.)</p>
+
+            <p>They're out of fashion; 'tis not now</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As in the days of "BEAKEY."</p>
+
+            <p>People dislike the Drum's tow-row.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And call the Trumpet squeaky.</p>
+
+            <p>So I the Concertina try,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As valued friends advise me.</p>
+
+            <p>What's that you say? It's all my eye?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, well,&mdash;you <i>do</i> surprise
+            me!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I fancied you would like it much,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You and the other fellows.</p>
+
+            <p>Admire the tone, remark my touch!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And what capacious bellows!</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis not as loud as a trombone,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But harmony's not rumpus;</p>
+
+            <p>The chords are charming, and you'll own</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It has a pretty compass.</p>
+
+            <p>I swing like this, I sway like that!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fate a fine theme supplies me!</p>
+
+            <p>The "treatment" you think feeble, flat?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, well&mdash;you <i>do</i> surprise
+            me!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The "European Concert"? Grand!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(You recollect that term, man!)</p>
+
+            <p><i>This</i> is a Concertina, and</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's make is Anglo-German,</p>
+
+            <p>You can't <i>expect</i> the thing to be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">English alone, completely;</p>
+
+            <p>But really, as 'tis played by me.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Does it not sound most sweetly?</p>
+
+            <p>Humph! DONALD CURRIE cocks his nose,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">BECKETT disdainfully eyes me,</p>
+
+            <p>My Concertina you would&mdash;<i>close!</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, well&mdash;you <i>do</i> surprise
+            me!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2>
+
+    <p>Scarcely a day passes without bringing us nearer to the end
+    of the year. That is a melancholy reflection, but we are not
+    sure that it exhausts all the possibilities of misery latent in
+    the flight of time. It has been noticed, for instance, that the
+    Duke of X&mdash;&mdash;, whose sporting proclivities are
+    notorious, never fails to celebrate his birthday with a repast
+    at an inferior <i>restaurant</i>, and, as His Grace is
+    powerful, his friends suffer in silence and bewail his
+    increasing ducal age.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Henley Regatta came off as arranged. This is a peculiarity
+    which is very striking in connection with this Royal fixture.
+    We are informed that several certainties were upset, but by
+    whom and why has not been stated. Candidly speaking, such a
+    brutal method as "upsetting" consorts ill with the softer
+    manners of our time. On the Thames, too, it must be
+    extraordinarily disagreeable.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mrs. WEEDLE, the Hon. Mrs. THREADBARE, and Lady FAWN, have
+    joined the lately established Bureau for the Dissemination of
+    Fashionable Friendships. The Personal Advertising Department is
+    now open, and is daily filled with a distinguished crowd of
+    applicants. Arrangements are in process of completion for
+    supplying the deserving rich with cambric handkerchiefs, and
+    imitation diamonds, at nominal prices.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A well-known Actor has lately been deprived of his customary
+    allowance of fat. His loss of weight (in avoirdupois) has been
+    computed at five-sixteenths of the integral cubit of a patent
+    accumulator's vertical boiling power, divided by the fractional
+    resistance of a plate-glass window to a two-horse-power
+    catapult.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The weather has been variable, with cryptoconchoidal
+    deflections of a solid reverberating isobar previously tested
+    in a solution of zinc and soda-water. This indicates cold
+    weather in December next.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Consols 1/50094th better. Wheat in demand. Jute firm. Bank
+    rate too fast to last.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Politician, whose name has been frequently mentioned
+    during the late crisis, has stated it as his opinion that a
+    temperance orator's powers of persuasion are to a moral victory
+    as a Prime Minister is to a willow-pattern dinner-plate. The
+    remark caused much excitement in the lobby, where this
+    gentleman's humorous sallies never lack appreciators.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>What is this I hear of a certain Noble Duke, well-known in
+    sporting circles, having accepted a three months' engagement to
+    appear in a "comic character sketch of his own composition," at
+    a long-established East End-Music Hall? If there is any truth
+    in the rumour, I should like to ask <i>what the Duchess has
+    been about?</i></p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A distinguished Oxford Mathematical Professor has, just
+    after prolonged and patient research, established the undoubted
+    certainty of the following interesting facts beyond any
+    possible question or controversy:&mdash;That the quantity of
+    Almond Rock Hard Bake, consumed in the United Kingdom in the
+    year terminating on the 15th of May last, amounted to 17 lbs. 9
+    oz. for each member of the population, including women and
+    children. That if at all the old and discarded Chimney Pot Hats
+    for a like period were collected in a heap, and packed closely
+    together, they would fill a building twice the height of St.
+    Paul's, and three times the length of the Crystal Palace. That
+    winners of the Derby who have become eventually four-wheeler
+    cab-horses are ninety-six in number, but that there is <i>only
+    one authentic</i> instance of a four-wheeler cab-horse having
+    become a Derby winner.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>So great is the craze for the newest idea in locomotion that
+    it is calculated that including Duchesses no less than 1470
+    <i>grandes dames</i> whose names are well-known in Society, now
+    pass Piccadilly Circus on the outside of the London General
+    Omnibus Company's vehicles, between the hours of 8 A.M. and 10
+    P.M. daily.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A PASSPORT TO THE BEST SOCIETY, AND A GUARANTEE FOR
+    RESPECTABILITY, is to be a diligent student of <i>Mr.
+    Punch's</i> works, and to have earned the abuse of the
+    <i>Pall-Mall Gazette</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29"
+       id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday</i>.&mdash;<i>Les Huguenots</i>. Great night in
+    consequence of police strike in Bow Street. Rioting, and Life
+    Guards called out late, just as they were retiring for the
+    night. Down they came, in regimentals, in undress, anyhow, to
+    quell the disturbance. At least, such is the report inside the
+    house. But inconvenient to be in two places at once. Henceforth
+    they ought to record this incident by having an extinguisher
+    (typical of going to bed and also of quelling the row) slung on
+    to their breast-plates. Extinguisher clinking against armour
+    would make pretty noise. Their Royal Highnesses the Prince and
+    Princess of WALES, having come to enjoy the Opera, remain
+    undisturbed, and leave in perfect tranquillity. Excellent
+    example to perturbed audience. Excitement within the house.
+    DRURIOLANUS, Earl DE GREY, Mr. HIGGINS, and other members of
+    the Organising Operatic Committee, ready to charge the mob at a
+    moment's notice, to charge up to two guineas a stall, if
+    necessary. Not necessary, however. Calls for the Sheriff-elect.
+    DRURIOLANUS, not having the official costume ready, cannot
+    appear in it, but uses his authority and his persuasive powers
+    in clearing lobbies, saloons, and hall. At any moment he is
+    ready to march out with all the Huguenot soldiers and charge
+    the rioters. Peace restored about midnight, Household troops
+    sent home to bed, and constables decided to strike only on the
+    heads of roughs, rowdies, and burglars. This shows how useful
+    it is to have a Sheriff on the premises. At Her Majesty's last
+    winter they had the nearest approach to it, that is, Sheriff's
+    officers on the premises. But this is not precisely the same
+    thing, as Sheriff's officers wear no uniform, and not being
+    permitted to go out of a house when once it is given into their
+    custody, they, however valiant, are of no use in a crowd.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/29-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/29-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;<i>Lohengrin</i>. Regardless of
+    rioters, their Royal Highnesses again here. Much cheered
+    outside on driving away. Yet crowd in Strand (so we hear) not
+    particularly good-tempered, and have wrecked a private brougham
+    or two. No effect on Opera, which goes as well as ever. Rumours
+    that the player of the <i>grosse caisse</i> has struck at
+    rehearsal are confirmed, he appears in his place and strikes
+    again, so does the Shakspearian performer "Cymbaline."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;<i>Don Giovanni</i>. Z&Eacute;LIE DE
+    LUSSAN as <i>Zerlina</i>, very popular. Still a little too like
+    <i>Carmen</i> in appearance. LASSALLE can't be bettered. Great
+    night everywhere. Mlle. MELBA and Mr. EDOUARD DE RESZK&Eacute;
+    taking a little holiday at a concert in Grosvenor Square, where
+    also are Madame PATEY and another EDWARD yclept LLOYD, whom
+    HERR GANZ accompanies with his "<i>Sons of Tubal
+    Cain</i>"&mdash;no political allusion to the recent Barrow
+    Election. Opera comparatively full. Some <i>habitu&eacute;s</i>
+    look in to see how everything's going on, then go on themselves
+    to Reception in Piccadilly, At Homes elsewhere, M.P.Q.'s
+    Smoking Concert, and various other entertainments. Society
+    winding itself up brilliantly. "Rebellion's dead! and now we'll
+    go to supper." And so we do. "Again we come to the Savoy!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;<i>Lucia</i> off-night, but
+    everything and everybody "going on" as usual. H.R.H. again at
+    Opera.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;<i>La Favorita</i>. Breathing time
+    before the great Operatic event of week to-morrow night.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Saturday</i>.&mdash;<i>Esmeralda</i>. Too late at last
+    moment to say anything on this splendid subject, save that the
+    Composer was deservedly greeted with a storm&mdash;of
+    applause!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>PURELY A MATTER OF BISLEYNESS.</h2>
+
+    <p>PRIVATE R. VAN WINKLE opened his eyes, and, taking up his
+    rusty rifle, marched towards the new ranges.</p>
+
+    <p>"Dear me!" said he, gazing with amazement at his
+    surroundings, "this is not at all like what I saw when I went
+    to sleep."</p>
+
+    <p>"No, RIP, it is not," replied <i>Mr. Punch</i>, who happened
+    to be in the neighbourhood. He had been watching his sweetest
+    Princess making a bull's-eye at the opening ceremony.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, it is twice as large as Wimbledon," continued the
+    astounded warrior.</p>
+
+    <p>"You are well within the limit," the Sage assented, "and
+    see, there is plenty of space. No fear of damaging any of the
+    tenants of GEORGE RANGER in <i>this</i> part of the
+    country."</p>
+
+    <p>"No, indeed!" exclaimed Private VAN WINKLE. "Not that I
+    think His Royal Highness had much cause of complaint. The truth
+    is&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Let bygones be bygones," interrupted <i>Mr. Punch</i>.
+    "GEORGE RANGER is no longer your landlord, except, in a certain
+    sense, representing the interests of the Regular Army, and I
+    shall keep <i>my</i> eye upon him in that capacity."</p>
+
+    <p>"An entirely satisfactory arrangement. But where are the
+    fancy tents, and the luncheon parties, and all the etceteras
+    that used to be so pleasant at Wimbledon?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Disappeared," returned <i>Mr. Punch</i>, firmly. "Bisley is
+    to be more like Shoeburyness (where the Artillery set an
+    excellent example to the Infantry) than the Surrey
+    saturnalia."</p>
+
+    <p>"And is it to be <i>all</i> work and no play?"</p>
+
+    <p>"That will be the general idea. Of course, in the evening,
+    when nothing better can be done, there will be harmonic
+    meetings round the camp-fires. But while light lasts, the crack
+    of the rifle and the ping of the bullet will be heard in all
+    directions, <i>vice</i> the pop of champagne corks superseded.
+    And if you don't like the prospect, my dear RIP, you had better
+    go to sleep again."</p>
+
+    <p>But Private VAN WINKLE remained awake&mdash;to his best
+    interests!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ROBERT ON MATRIMONY.</h2>
+
+    <p>Well, we're jest about going it, at the reel "Grand Hotel,"
+    we are. We had jest about the werry lovliest wedding here,
+    larst week, as I ewer seed, ewen with my great xperiense. Such
+    a collekshun of brave-looking men and reel handsum women as
+    seldom meets together xcept on these most hintresting
+    occashuns. And as good luck wood have it, jest as we was in the
+    werry wirl and xcitement of it all, who should come in to lunch
+    but the same emminent yung Swell as cum about a munth ago. And
+    he had jest the same helegant but simple lunch as before, with
+    a bottle of the same splendid Champane, as before, and he
+    didn't harf finish it, as before, and not a drop of what he
+    left was wasted, as before; and so, when he paid me his little
+    account, he arsked me if many of the werry bewtifool ladies, as
+    I had told him of when he came larst, had been to the "Grand"
+    lately, so the bold thort seized, me, and I says to him, "Yes,
+    your &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;, there's jest a nice few of
+    'em here now, and if you will kindly foller me up to our
+    bewtifool Libery, and will keep your eyes quite wide open as
+    you gos along, you will see jest about a hole room full of
+    'em."</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/29-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/29-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>So I took him parst the grand room in which the Wedding
+    Gests was assembled, and there sure enuff, he seed such a
+    collection of smiling bewty, as ewidently made a great
+    impression on his&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;'s Art, and one
+    speshally lovely Bridesmade gave him a look, as he passed by,
+    as ewidently went rite thro it. I scarcely xpecs to be bleeved
+    wen I says, as his &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;'s cheeks quite
+    blusht with hadmirashun, and he turned round to me and says,
+    says he, "Ah, Mr. ROBERT, if there was many such reel lovely
+    angels as that a flying about, I rayther thinks as I shood be
+    perswaded to turn a Bennedictus myself." I didn't at all know
+    what he meant, but I thort as it was werry credittable to him.
+    We got quite a chatting arterwards in the Libery, of course I
+    don't mean to say as I forgot for a moment the strornary
+    difference atween us, but he had werry ewidently been werry
+    much struck by the lovely Bridesmade, for he says, "Mr.
+    ROBERT," says he, "what's about the rite time for a man to
+    marry?"</p>
+
+    <p>Of course I was reglar staggered, but I pulls myself
+    together, and I says, without not no hesitashun, "Jest a leetle
+    under 30, your &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;, for the Gent, and
+    jest a leetle over 20 for the Lady, and then the Gent gits just
+    about 10 years advantage, which I thinks as he's well entitled
+    to." At which he larfs quite hartily, and he says, "Why that
+    wood keep me single for another ten years&mdash;but I will
+    think it over;" and, strange to say, jest as we passed again by
+    the room as the Bridal party was in, the same lovely Bridesmade
+    happend to be near the door, so they coud both have a good look
+    at each other, and a hansum cupple they was, if ever I seed
+    one. And when his &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; wished me good
+    day, which he did, quite in a frendly way, he added, with his
+    most bewtifool smile, "Ten years, MR. ROBERT, seems a long time
+    to wait for such a sweet angel as that!"</p>
+
+    <p>Ah, it's a rum world as we all lives in, and in nothink much
+    rummer than in the wunderfool power of a bewtifool face, ah,
+    and as sumbody says, for Wheel or for Wo, jest as it appens,
+    more's the pitty.</p>
+
+    <p>I rayther thinks, as I gathers from the tork of the many
+    yung swells as we has dining here, that they are not altogether
+    what I shoud call a marrying race; they seems to think as
+    there's allers plenty of time for that sollem seremony when
+    they're a good deal older.</p>
+
+    <p>Ah, of course it isn't for a poor old Hed Waiter to presume
+    to adwise young and hemenent swells, but my xperiense of uman
+    life teaches me, as the werry werry appiest time of a man's
+    life is from 30 to about 40, perwided as he has been lucky
+    enuff to secure for hisself a yung, bewtifool, good-tempered,
+    helegant, and ercomplished Bride, to, as the Poet says, harve
+    his sorrows, and dubble his joys.</p>
+
+    <p>ROBERT.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30"
+       id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/30.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE ILLUSTRATOR) HAS TO PUT UP
+        WITH.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Fair Authoress</i>. "AND, FOR THE FRONTISPIECE, I
+        WANT YOU TO DRAW THE HEROINE STANDING PROUDLY ERECT BY THE
+        SEASHORE, GAZING AT THE STILL IMAGE OF HERSELF IN THE
+        TROUBLED WAVES. THE SUN IS SETTING; IN THE EAST THE NEW
+        MOON IS RISING&mdash;A THIN CRESCENT. HER FACE IS THICKLY
+        VEILED; AN UNSHED TEAR IS GLISTENING IN HER BLUE EYE; HER
+        SLENDER, WHITE, JEWELLED HANDS ARE CLENCHED INSIDE HER
+        MUFF. THE CURLEWS ARE CALLING, UNSEEN&mdash;"</p>
+
+        <p><i>F.A.'s Husband</i>. "YES; DON'T FORGET THE
+        CURLEWS&mdash;THEY COME IN CAPITALLY! I CAN LEND YOU A
+        STUFFED ONE, YOU KNOW&mdash;TO DRAW FROM!" &amp;c.,
+        &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE LYING SPIRIT.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Lying Spirit! "Doctrine hard!" some mutter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dictated by unsympathetic scorn;</p>
+
+            <p>A doctrine that on light would draw the shutter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And close the opening gateways of the
+            morn.</p>
+
+            <p>No so; no guiding light would <i>Punch</i>
+            extinguish,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or chill true champion of the toiling
+            crowd;</p>
+
+            <p>But wisdom at its kindliest must distinguish</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Between true guides and tricksters false
+            as loud.</p>
+
+            <p>The blameless King his headlong knights
+            upbraided</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In kindly grief for "following foolish
+            fires,"</p>
+
+            <p>False flames that in mere dun marsh-darkness
+            faded,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Leaving lost votaries to its mists and
+            mires;</p>
+
+            <p>And here's an <i>ignis fatuus</i>, fired by
+            folly,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And moved by violence as fierce as
+            blind;</p>
+
+            <p>The gulf before's a bourne most melancholy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And what of those fast following
+            behind?</p>
+
+            <p>Well-meaning hearts, maybe, all expectation</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of glittering gains upon a perilous
+            road,</p>
+
+            <p>Stirred by wild whirling words to keen elation,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Pricked on by poverty's imperious
+            goad;</p>
+
+            <p>Hoping,&mdash;as who of hope shall be
+            forbidden?&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Striving,&mdash;as who hath not the right
+            to strive?&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>For flaunted gain through perils shrewdly
+            hidden!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, labourers hard in Industry's huge
+            hive,</p>
+
+            <p>What wonder, if, ill-paid and tired, you hasten</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To follow the loud bauble and the
+            lure,</p>
+
+            <p>Or gird at those who your wild hopes would
+            chasten,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or guide you on a pathway more
+            secure!</p>
+
+            <p>And yet beware! No oriflamme of battle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is that false radiance round yon impish
+            brow.</p>
+
+            <p>The jester's bladder-bauble, with its rattle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of prisoned peas, is not the
+            tow-row-row</p>
+
+            <p>Of Labour's true <i>reveill&eacute;</i>. Bonnet
+            Phrygian,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cap of sham Liberty, the spectre
+            wears;</p>
+
+            <p>But he will plunge to depths of darkness Stygian</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whom anti-civic Violence ensnares.</p>
+
+            <p>Plain Justice, honest Hope are good to follow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But Insubordination, fierce and
+            blind,</p>
+
+            <p>Mouthing out furious threat or promise hollow.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is the sworn foe of civilised
+            mankind;</p>
+
+            <p>Breaking up ancient bonds of love and duty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All social links that bear abiding
+            test,</p>
+
+            <p>With no sound promise of a better beauty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A fairer justice, or a truer rest.</p>
+
+            <p>No; patient Labour, with its long-borne burden</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And guardian Force, with its thrice-noble
+            trust,</p>
+
+            <p>Claim from the State the fullest, freest
+            guerdon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And all wise souls, all spirits fair and
+            just,</p>
+
+            <p>Must back the Great Appeal that Time advances,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Progress justifies in this our
+            time.</p>
+
+            <p>But civic Violence, in all circumstances</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now like to hap, is anti-social
+            crime,</p>
+
+            <p>Foul in its birth and fatal in its issue.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Tyrannic act, incendiary speech,</p>
+
+            <p>Recklessly rend the subtly woven tissue</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That binds Society's organs each to
+            each.</p>
+
+            <p>Strong Toiler, deft Auxiliar, stalwart Warder,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your hour has struck, your tyrants face
+            their doom,</p>
+
+            <p>But let hot haste unsettle temperate order,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Hope's bright disc will feel
+            eclipse's gloom.</p>
+
+            <p>This is a lying spirit, sly and sinister,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Its promise false, its loud incitements
+            vain.</p>
+
+            <p>Not to your true advantage shall it minister,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mere Goblin Gold its glittering show of
+            Gain:</p>
+
+            <p>Spectre of Chaos and the Abyss, it flutters</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Before you flaunting high its foolish
+            fire,</p>
+
+            <p>But there's a lie in each loud word it utters,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And its true goal is Anarchy's choking
+            mire!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Time the Avenger!</h3>
+
+    <p>On the 24th of June, 1871, <i>Mr. Punch</i> sang,
+    <i>&agrave;propos</i> of the Germans desiring to purchase
+    Heligoland&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Though to rule the waves, we may believe they
+            aspire,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If their Navy grow great, we must let
+            it;</p>
+
+            <p>But if one British island they think to acquire,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bless their hearts, don't they wish they
+            may get it?"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>And they <i>have</i> got it!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31"
+       id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/31.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE LYING SPIRIT.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page33"
+       id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span>
+
+    <h2>A GRUMBLE FOR THE GRENADIERS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What is this your <i>Punch</i> hears of you? Can't
+            you dissipate his fears?</p>
+
+            <p>Did the bugle ring out vainly for the British
+            Grenadiers?</p>
+
+            <p>Once the regiment was famous for its deeds of
+            derring-do,</p>
+
+            <p>And you followed where the flag went when on alien
+            winds it flew.</p>
+
+            <p>Has the soldiers' "oath of duty" been forgotten,
+            that you shirk,</p>
+
+            <p>Not the face of foe, we're certain, but this
+            kit-inspecting work?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You have trodden paths of glory (we have seen your
+            banners fly)</p>
+
+            <p>Where the murky smoke of battle gathered thickly
+            o'er the sky;</p>
+
+            <p>Can you thus besmirch the laurels that in other days
+            you won,</p>
+
+            <p>By forgetfulness of duties that by soldiers must be
+            done?</p>
+
+            <p>Egad! my gallant lads, your <i>Punch</i> can scarce
+            believe his ears,</p>
+
+            <p>When he hears this shocking story of the British
+            Grenadiers!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+    <h3>AT A DANCE.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>The Hostess <i>is receiving her Guests at the head of
+        the staircase; a</i> Conscientiously Literal Man
+        <i>presents himself.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>with a gracious smile, and her eyes
+    directed to the people immediately behind him</i>). <i>So</i>
+    glad you were able to come&mdash;how do you <i>do</i>?</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/33.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/33.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>The Conscientiously Literal Man</i>. Well, if you had
+    asked me that question this afternoon, I should have said was
+    in for a severe attack of malarial fever&mdash;I had all the
+    symptoms&mdash;but, about seven o'clock this evening, they
+    suddenly passed off, and&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Perceives, to his surprise, that his Hostess's
+        attention is wandering, and decides to tell her the rest
+        later in the evening.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Clumpsole</i>. How do you do, Miss THISTLEDOWN? Can
+    you give me a dance?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Thistledown</i> (<i>who has danced with him
+    before</i>&mdash;once). With pleasure&mdash;let me see, the
+    third extra after supper? Don't forget.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Brushleigh</i> (<i>to Major Erser</i>). Afraid I
+    can't give you anything just now&mdash;but if you see me
+    standing about later on, you can come and ask me again, you
+    know.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Boldover</i> (<i>glancing eagerly round the room as
+    he enters, and soliloquizing mentally</i>). She ought to be
+    here by this time, if she's coming&mdash;can't see her
+    though&mdash;she's certainly not dancing. There's her sister
+    over there with the mother. She <i>hasn't</i> come, or she'd be
+    with them. Poor-looking lot of girls here to-night&mdash;don't
+    think much of this music&mdash;get away as soon as I can, no
+    <i>go</i> about the thing!... Hooray! There she is, after all!
+    Jolly waltz this is they're playing! How pretty she's
+    looking&mdash;how pretty <i>all</i> the girls are looking! If I
+    can only get her to give me one dance, and sit out most of it
+    somewhere! I feel as if I could talk to her to-night. By Jove,
+    I'll try it!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Watches his opportunity, and is cautiously making
+        his way towards his divinity, when he is
+        intercepted.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Grappleton</i>. Mr. BOLDOVER, I do believe you were
+    going to <i>cut</i> me! (<i>Mr. B. protests and
+    apologises.</i>) Well, <i>I</i> forgive you. I've been wanting
+    to have another talk with you for ever so long. I've been
+    thinking so <i>much</i> of what you said that evening about
+    BROWNING'S relation to Science and the Supernatural. Suppose
+    you take me downstairs for an ice or something, and we can have
+    it out comfortably together.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Dismay of</i> Mr. B., <i>who has entirely forgotten
+        any theories he may have advanced on the subject, but has
+        no option but to comply; as he leaves the room with</i>
+        Mrs. GRAPPLETON <i>on his arm, he has a torturing glimpse
+        of</i> Miss ROUNDARM, <i>apparently absorbed in her
+        partner's conversation.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Senior Roppe</i> (<i>as he waltzes</i>). Oh, you
+    needn't feel convicted of extraordinary ignorance, I assure
+    you, Miss FEATHERHEAD. YOU would be surprised if you knew how
+    many really clever persons have found that simple little
+    problem of nought divided by one too much for them. Would you
+    have supposed, by the way, that there is a reservoir in
+    Pennsylvania containing a sufficient number of gallons to
+    supply all London for eighteen months? You don't quite realise
+    it, I see. "How many gallons is that?" Well, let me calculate
+    roughly&mdash;taking the population of London at four millions,
+    and the average daily consumption for each individual
+    at&mdash;no, I can't work it out with sufficient accuracy while
+    I am dancing; suppose we sit down, and I'll do it for you on my
+    shirt-cuff&mdash;oh, very well; then I'll work it out when I
+    get home, and send you the result to-morrow, if you will allow
+    me.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Culdersack</i> (<i>who has provided himself
+    beforehand with a set of topics for conversation&mdash;to his
+    partner, as they halt for a moment</i>). Er&mdash;(<i>consults
+    some hieroglyphics on his cuff stealthily</i>)&mdash;have you
+    read STANLEY'S book yet?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Tabula Raiser</i>. No, I haven't. Is it
+    interesting?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Culdersack</i>. I can't say. I've not seen it myself.
+    Shall we&mdash;er&mdash;?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They take another turn.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. C.</i> I suppose you have&mdash;er&mdash;been to the
+    (<i>hesitates between the Academy and the Military
+    Exhibition&mdash;decides on latter topic as fresher</i>)
+    Military Exhibition?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.R.</i> No&mdash;not yet. What do you think of
+    it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. C.</i> Oh&mdash;<i>I</i> haven't been either.
+    Er&mdash;do you care to&mdash;?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They take another turn.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. C.</i> (<i>after third halt</i>). Er&mdash;do you
+    take any interest in politics?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.R.</i> Not a bit.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. C.</i> (<i>much relieved</i>). No more do I.
+    (<i>Considers that he has satisfied all mental
+    requirements</i>). Er&mdash;let me take you down-stairs for an
+    ice.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They go.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Grappleton</i> (<i>re-entering with</i> Mr.
+    BOLDOVER, <i>after a discussion that has outlasted two ices and
+    a plate of strawberries</i>). Well, I thought you would have
+    explained my difficulties better than <i>that</i>&mdash;oh,
+    what a <i>delicious</i> waltz! Doesn't it set you longing to
+    dance?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>who sees</i> Miss ROUNDARM <i>in the
+    distance, disengaged</i>). Yes, I really think I
+    must&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Preparing to escape.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Grappleton</i>. I'm getting such an old thing, that
+    really I oughtn't to&mdash;but well, just this <i>once</i>, as
+    my husband isn't here.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[MR. BOLDOVER <i>resigns himself to necessity once
+        more.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>First Chaperon</i> (<i>to 2nd ditto</i>). How sweet it is
+    of your eldest girl to dance with that absurd Mr. CLUMPSOLE!
+    It's really too <i>bad</i> of him to make such an exhibition of
+    her&mdash;one can't help smiling at them!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Ch.</i> Oh, ETHEL never can bear to hurt anyone's
+    feelings&mdash;so different from some girls! By the way, I've
+    not seen <i>your</i> daughter dancing to-night&mdash;men who
+    dance are so scarce nowadays&mdash;I suppose they think they
+    have the right to be a little fastidious.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Ch.</i> BELLA has been out so much this week, that
+    she doesn't care to dance except with a really first-rate
+    partner. She is not so easily pleased as your ETHEL, I'm
+    afraid.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Ch.</i> ETHEL is <i>young</i>, you see, and, when
+    one is pressed so much to dance, one can hardly refuse,
+    <i>can</i> one? When she has had as many Seasons as BELLA, she
+    will be less energetic, I daresay.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[MR. BOLDOVER <i>has at last succeeded in
+        approaching</i> Miss ROUNDARM, <i>and even in inducing her
+        to sit out a dance with him; but, having led her to a
+        convenient alcove, he finds himself totally unable to give
+        any adequate expression to the rapture he feels at being by
+        her side.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>determined to lead up to it somehow</i>).
+    I&mdash;I was rather thinking&mdash;(<i>he</i> meant <i>to say,
+    "devoutly hoping," but, to his own bitter disgust, it comes out
+    like this</i>)&mdash;I should meet you here to-night.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> Were you? Why?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>with a sudden dread of going too far just
+    yet</i>). Oh, (<i>carelessly</i>), you know how one <i>does</i>
+    wonder who will be at a place, and who won't.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> No, indeed, I don't.&mdash;<i>how</i> does
+    one wonder?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>with a vague notion of implying a
+    complimentary exception in her case</i>). Oh, well,
+    generally&mdash;(<i>with the fatal tendency of a shy man to a
+    sweeping statement</i>)&mdash;one may be pretty sure of meeting
+    just the people one least wants to see, you know.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> And so you thought you would probably meet
+    me. I <i>see</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>overwhelmed with confusion, and not in the
+    least knowing what he says</i>). No, no, I didn't think
+    that&mdash;I hoped you mightn't&mdash;I mean, I was afraid you
+    might&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Stops short, oppressed by the impossibility of
+        explaining.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> You are not very complimentary to-night, are
+    you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> I can't pay compliments&mdash;to
+    <i>you</i>&mdash;I don't know how it is, but I never can talk
+    to you as I can to other people!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> Are you amusing when you are with other
+    people?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> At all events I can find things to say to
+    <i>them</i>.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Enter Another Man</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Another Man</i> (<i>to</i> Miss B.). Our dance, I
+    think?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> (<i>who had intended to get out of it</i>). I
+    was wondering if you ever meant to come for it. (<i>To</i> Mr.
+    B., <i>as they rise.</i>) Now I shan't feel I am depriving the
+    other people! (<i>Perceives the speechless agony in his
+    expression, and relents.</i>) Well, you can have the next after
+    this if you care about it&mdash;only <i>do</i> try to think of
+    something in the meantime! (<i>As she goes off.</i>) You
+    will&mdash;won't you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She's given me another
+    chance! If only I can rise to it. Let me see&mdash;what shall I
+    begin with? <i>I</i> know&mdash;<i>Supper!</i> She hasn't been
+    down yet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>His Hostess</i>. Oh, Mr. BOLDOVER, you're not dancing
+    this&mdash;do be good and take someone down to
+    supper&mdash;those poor Chaperons are dying for some food.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Mr. B. <i>takes down a Matron whose repast is
+        protracted through three waltzes and a set of
+        Lancers&mdash;he comes up to find</i> Miss ROUNDARM gone,
+        <i>and the Musicians putting up their instruments.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Coachman at door</i> (<i>to</i> Linkman, <i>as</i> Mr. B.
+    <i>goes down the steps</i>). That's the <i>lot</i>, JIM!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Mr. B. <i>walks home, wishing the Park Gates were not
+        shut, to as to render the Serpentine inaccessible</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34"
+       id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/34.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/34.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>SHADOWING AT HENLEY REGATTA.</h3>TOBY, M.P., TAKES AN
+        INSTANTANEOUS PHOTOGRAPH WITH HIS DETECTIVE CAMERA IN THE
+        BOW OF MR. PUNCH'S BOAT, WITH THE ABOVE EXTRAORDINARY
+        RESULT.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35"
+       id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:80%;">
+        <a href="images/35.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/35.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"THE SHADOWLESS MAN."</h3>(<i>Latest Irish Edition of
+        the Old German Romance</i>.)<br />
+        [In the course of the Debate last Monday week, Mr. DILLON
+        said, "I was never shadowed."]
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 7.</i>&mdash;Cabinet
+    Council on Saturday; House begins to think it's time Ministers
+    made up their minds what they're going to do with business of
+    Session. But OLD MORALITY returns customary answer. Ministry
+    still carefully considering question. Meantime he has nothing
+    to say.</p>
+
+    <p>"Except in respect of sex and age, O.M. reminds me." said
+    ALBEBT ROLLIT, "of scene in play recently put on stage by
+    BEERBOHM TREE&mdash;<i>A Man's Shadow</i> it was called.
+    Daresay you remember, TOBY; there's a murder witnessed through
+    window by wife and little daughter. They think it's their man
+    that did the deed; but 'twas the other fellow&mdash;the Shadow,
+    don't you know. There is police inquiry; mother and daughter
+    cross-examined; believe the murderer is the husband and father;
+    saw him do it with their own eyes; but of course not going to
+    peach; little girl pressed to tell all she knows; makes answer
+    in voice that thrills Gallery, and makes mothers in the Pit
+    weep, 'I have seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Never see
+    OLD MORALITY come to the table, as he is now accustomed nightly
+    to do, and protest he has no statement to make, than I think of
+    the little TERRY in this Scene, and her wailing, piteous cry,
+    'I have seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Quite time he had,
+    though. If Ministers can't make up their minds, what's the
+    House to do? Begin to think if things don't mend soon, I shall
+    have a better record of business done to show at end of Session
+    than the Ministry. Bankruptcy Bill will make three Measures to
+    me this Session."</p>
+
+    <p>Irish Constabulary Vote on; Prince ARTHUR lounging on
+    Treasury Bench; prepares to receive Irishry; engagement opens a
+    little flat, with speech from JOHN ELLIS, oration from
+    O'PICTON, and feeble flagellation from FLYNN. Then Prince
+    ARTHUR suddenly, unexpectedly, dashes in. Empty benches fill
+    up; stagnant pool stirred to profoundest depths: ARTHUR
+    professes to be tolerant of Irish Members, but declares himself
+    abhorrent of connivance of Right Hon. Gentleman above Gangway.
+    Talks at Mr. G., who begins visibly to bristle before our very
+    eyes as he sits attentive on Front Bench. ARTHUR in fine
+    fighting trim; Ministerial bark may be labouring in troubled
+    waters; a suddenly gathered storm, coming from all quarters,
+    has surrounded, and threatens to whelm it; MATTHEWS may be
+    sinking under adversity; the Postmen may pull down RAIKES;
+    GOSCHEN is gone; OLD MORALITY'S cheerful nature is being
+    soured; there is talk of Dissolution, and death. But if this is
+    Prince ARTHUR'S last time of defending his rule in Ireland, it
+    shall not be done in half-hearted way. Come storm, come wrack,
+    at least he'll die with harness on his back.</p>
+
+    <p>The accused becomes the accuser. Called upon to defend
+    himself, he turns, and makes a slashing attack on his pursuers,
+    carrying the war into their camp. Scorning the Captains and
+    Men-at-arms, he goes straight for Mr. G., and in an instant
+    swords clash across the table, and shields are dinted. Nothing
+    more delightful than to hear Mr. G. complaining, as he rose,
+    and took his coat off, that Prince ARTHUR had "dragged him into
+    the controversy." On the whole, he bore the infliction pretty
+    well, and went for ARTHUR neck and crop. <i>Business
+    done</i>.&mdash;Irish Votes in Supply.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;"I have seen nothing; I have heard
+    nothing." Pathetic refrain of OLD MORALITY murmured again
+    to-night: Members wanted to know about various things; but in
+    OLD MORALITY'S mind, fate of the Tithes Bill, intentions of
+    Government touching proposed new Standing Order, and allocation
+    of money originally intended for Publicans, all a blank. "We
+    are still considering," says he.</p>
+
+    <p>"A most considerate Government," says WILFRID LAWSON. "Might
+    save time and trouble if they had at table an automatic
+    machine; Members wanting to know how business is to be
+    arranged, what Bills to be dropped, and which gone forward
+    with, could go up to table, drop a penny in the slot, and out
+    would come the answer&mdash;'I have seen nothing; I have heard
+    nothing.'"</p>
+
+    <p>Seems that HANBURY has exceptional means of obtaining
+    information. OLD MORALITY has privately shown him Military
+    Report with respect to Heligoland. A confidential
+    communication, something of the kind the MARKISS carried on
+    with the population of Heligoland. But HANBURY straightway goes
+    and tells all about it in a letter to one of his Constituents;
+    letter gets into papers. SUMMERS reads it out to House. Eagerly
+    thirsting after knowledge on military matters, SUMMERS wants
+    also to see the text of Report. Why should HANBURY have it all
+    to himself? Quartermaster-General SUMMERS would like
+    opportunity of studying it, and forming opinion as to accuracy
+    of the naval and military men who have drawn up plan. Will OLD
+    MORALITY favour him by placing him on an equality of confidence
+    with HANBURY? No, OLD MORALITY will not. Howl of indignant
+    despair from Radicals. Never heard of this Report before; but
+    that HANBURY should see it, and thereby be enabled to assure
+    his constituents, even by nods and winks, that it was all right
+    about Heligoland, was more than they could put up with.
+    O'PICTON sat morose at the corner seat below the Gangway. Who
+    was HANBURY, that he should have the advantage of studying
+    these military documents when the grand-nephew of PICTON of
+    Waterloo was left out in the cold, his martial instincts
+    unsatisfied, his knowledge of strategical points of the British
+    Empire unsatiated?</p>
+
+    <p>Another instance this of the misfortune that pursues the
+    Government. Little did OLD MORALITY think, when in moment of
+    weakness he showed this important document to HANBURY, what a
+    hornet's nest it would bring about his unoffending head.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Irish Constabulary Vote
+    passed.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;At last OLD MORALITY has heard
+    something and seen something. Heard how things went on to-day
+    in Committee on Procedure. Worse and worse. Prince ARTHUR made
+    curious blunder for one so alert: introduced into draft Report
+    admission of principle that Lords might, an they pleased,
+    refuse to consider in current Session, any Bill coming up to
+    them from Commons. HARCOURT saw his opportunity; used it with
+    irresistible skill and force. Committee adjourned in almost
+    comatose state.</p>
+
+    <p>This is what OLD MORALITY has heard from JOKIM, who begins
+    to think that, after all, life is a serious thing. What he sees
+    is, that it is impossible to further delay decision about
+    business. Accordingly announces complete surrender. All, all
+    are gone, the old familiar faces&mdash;Land Purchase Bill,
+    Tithe Bill, and even this later project of the new Standing
+    Order. "What, all our pretty chicks?" cry the agonised
+    Ministerialists.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," said OLD MORALITY, mingling his tears with theirs,
+    "our duty to our QUEEN and Country demands this sacrifice.
+    But," he added, bracing up, significantly eyeing Mr. G., and
+    speaking in dear solemn tones, "we reserve to ourselves
+    absolute freedom of <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36"
+       id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> action on a future occasion."
+       Opposition shouted with laughter, whilst OLD MORALITY stood
+       and stared, and wondered what was amusing them now. New
+       Session is, according to present intentions, to open in
+       November. Will the Land Purchase Bill be taken first? Mr. G.
+       wants to know.</p>
+
+    <p>"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, "I have indicated the views of the
+    Government as to the Land Purchase Bill, according as those
+    views are held at the present time." (Cheers from the
+    Ministerialists.) Encouraged by this applause, and, happy
+    thought striking him, went on: "But it is impossible for the
+    Government to say what circumstances may occur to qualify those
+    views."</p>
+
+    <p>Once more Opposition break into storm of laughter; OLD
+    MORALITY again regards them with dubious questioning gaze.</p>
+
+    <p>"Curious thing, TOBY," he said to me afterwards, "those
+    fellows opposite always laugh when I drop in my most diplomatic
+    sentences. It's very well for MACHIAVELLI that he didn't live
+    in these times, and lead House of Commons instead of the
+    Government of the Florentine Republic. He would never have
+    opened his mouth without those Radicals and Irishmen going off
+    into a fit of laughter."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Announcement that business
+    <i>won't</i> be done.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;Still harping on Irish Votes. Want to
+    dock Prince ARTHUR'S salary. SWIFT MACNEILL brought down model
+    of battering-ram used at Falcarragh; holds it up; shows it in
+    working order; Committee much interested; inclined to encourage
+    this sort of thing; pleasant interlude in monotony of
+    denunciation of Prince ARTHUR and all his works; no knowing
+    what developments may not be in store; the other night had
+    magic-lantern performance just off Terrace; that all very well
+    on fine night; but when it's raining must keep indoors and
+    battering-ram suitable for indoor exhibition.</p>
+
+    <p>HAVELOCK wanted to borrow it, says he would like to show
+    SCHWANN how it works; but MACNEILL couldn't spare it till Irish
+    Votes through.</p>
+
+    <p>New turn given to Debate by plaintive declaration from JOHN
+    DILLON that he has "never been shadowed." "A difficult lot to
+    deal with," says ARTHUR, gazing curiously at the Shadowless
+    Man. "If they are shadowed, they protest; if they're not, they
+    repine."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Irish Votes in Committee.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2>
+
+    <h4>AT THE ACADEMY SOIR&Eacute;E.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>How well your Picture bears the artificial light!</i>"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "Couldn't look worse than it does by
+    daylight."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Mustn't keep you on the stairs. Such heaps of your
+    friends asking for you upstairs</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Got rid of
+    him, thank goodness!"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Here you are at last! Been dodging you from room to
+    room!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "To keep out of your way. Caught at
+    last, worse luck!"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>You look as if you had just stepped out of a
+    picture-frame!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Wish you'd step back into
+    one!"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Not seen Mr. O'Kew's picture? You</i> must <i>see it.
+    Only three rooms from here, and no crowd there now. So go and
+    bring me back word what you think</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Now to
+    flee!"</p>
+
+    <h4>AT LORD'S.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>Yes, I'm so fond of Cricket</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "How can
+    I find out if Oxford or Cambridge is in?"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Don't move, pray</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "If she doesn't, I
+    shall be smothered in lobster-salad!"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Not the least in my way, thanks</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Does
+    she think I can see through her parasol?"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Pray join us at lunch! Heaps of room in the
+    carriage</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Hope she doesn't! It only holds
+    four, and we're six already."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Don't they call a hit to the left like that, a
+    Drive?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>,
+    "Young-rich&mdash;good-looking&mdash;worth catching&mdash;looks
+    as if he liked 'sweet simplicity.'"</p>
+
+    <h4>ELECTIONEERING.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>Has at heart the best interests of the Borough</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, Means to subscribe largely to all local clubs and
+    charities.</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>The honour of representing you in Parliament</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "The pleasure of advertising myself."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>I should wish to keep my mind open on that subject</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "I cannot afford to commit myself just yet."</p>
+
+    <h4>PARLIAMENTARY.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>I have never heard such an astounding argument</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "Since I last employed it myself."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>To come to the real question at issue</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>,
+    "To introduce my one strong point."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>I do not pledge myself to these figures</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "The next speaker will very likely show them to be
+    absolutely unreliable."</p>
+
+    <h4>IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "I wasn't listening."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>I rather understood that you were arguing, &amp;c.,
+    &amp;c.</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "You are now flatly contradicting
+    yourself."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>DISCIPLINE!</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Farcical Tragedy, in Two Scenes&mdash;not licensed
+    for representation.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>SCENE I.&mdash;<i>The Barrack Square. Present&mdash;No. 1
+    Company, awaiting inspection.</i></h4>
+
+    <p><i>Captain</i> (<i>to Subaltern</i>). Have you proved
+    them?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Subaltern</i>. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know
+    their places, and it is useless labour.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;I daresay they are right. You
+    know we have been told to be conciliatory. Open order! March!
+    For inspection&mdash;port arms!</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/36.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/36.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Sergeant</i> (<i>stepping forward, and saluting</i>). Beg
+    pardon, Sir, but the men are under the impression that you wish
+    to examine their rifles?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Certainly. (<i>To Subaltern</i>). Take the rear
+    rank, while I look after the front.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven't taken open
+    order yet. They say that they are responsible for their rifles
+    when they have to use them before the enemy, and you may rely
+    upon it that they will be all right then.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;then we will dispense with
+    inspection of arms. Buttons bright, and straps in their proper
+    places?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> (<i>doubtfully</i>). So they say, Sir.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Well, then, read the orders.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know
+    their duty, and don't want to listen to no orders.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so
+    patriotic. Hope that the Commanding Officer will dispense
+    (under the circumstances) with the formality. Anything
+    more?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told
+    off for duty on guard, Sir.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> March them off, then.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to
+    you.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;bring them up. (Sergeant
+    <i>obeys</i>.) Now, men, what is it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private Brown</i>. Please, Sir, I have got a
+    tooth-ache.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;fall out, and go to the
+    doctor.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private B.</i> Please, Sir, I don't want to see no
+    doctor. I can cure myself.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;cure yourself. (Private
+    <i>salutes, and retires.</i>) And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what
+    do you want?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private Jones</i>. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told
+    off for guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to
+    expect us to do sentry-go so soon.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Well, you know your orders.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private J.</i> Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll
+    explain to the War Office if there's any row about it!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The</i> Privates <i>salute, and retire.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Anything else, Sergeant?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergt.</i> Well, no, Sir&mdash;you see the men won't do
+    anything.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Under those circumstances, I suppose I have
+    only to give the usual words of command. Company, attention!
+    Right turn&mdash;dismiss!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They dismiss.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>SCENE II.&mdash;<i>Before the Enemy. Present&mdash;No. 1
+    Company awaiting orders to advance.</i></h4>
+
+    <p><i>Captain</i>.&mdash;Now, my men, all you have to do is to
+    keep your heads, and obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Subaltern</i>. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded
+    without bayonets.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Well, that's to be regretted; although they are
+    small enough nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a
+    thousand yards! Ready!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sub.</i> Very sorry. Sir, but the men forgot to bring
+    their ammunition.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i>&mdash;Come, this is getting serious! Here's the
+    Cavalry preparing to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em
+    off! Right turn!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergeant</i>. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and
+    don't know their right hands from their left.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> (<i>losing his temper</i>). Confound it! They
+    don't, don't they! Well, hang it all, I suppose they will
+    understand this? (<i>To Company.</i>) Here, you pampered
+    useless idiots&mdash;bolt!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They bolt.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A CUTTING (transplanted from the advertisements in the
+    <i>Belfast News-Letter</i>):&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>WANTED, A PARROT: one brought up in a respectable
+        family, and that has not been taught naughty words or
+        bigoted expressions, preferred.&mdash;Apply by letter,
+        stating price, &amp;c.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"Preferred!" What sort of a Parrot had they been previously
+    accustomed to at that house?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11919 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #11919 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11919)
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July
+19, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 19, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 6, 2004  [eBook #11919]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: iso-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 99, JULY 19, 1890***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11919-h.htm or 11919-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/9/1/11919/11919-h/11919-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/9/1/11919/11919-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 99
+
+JULY 19, 1890
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: PARALLEL.
+
+Joe, the Fat Boy in Pickwick, startles the Old Lady; Oscar, the Fad
+Boy in Lippincott's, startles Mrs. Grundy.
+
+_Oscar, the Fad Boy_. "I want to make your flesh creep!"]
+
+The Baron has read OSCAR WILDE'S Wildest and Oscarest work, called
+_Dorian Gray_, a weird sensational romance, complete in one number of
+_Lippincott's Magazine_. The Baron, recommends anybody who revels in
+_diablerie_, to begin it about half-past ten, and to finish it at one
+sitting up; but those who do not so revel he advises either not to
+read it at all, or to choose the daytime, and take it in homoeopathic
+doses. The portrait represents the soul of the beautiful Ganymede-like
+_Dorian Gray_, whose youth and beauty last to the end, while his soul,
+like JOHN BROWN'S, "goes marching on" into the Wilderness of Sin. It
+becomes at last a devilled soul. And then _Dorian_ sticks a knife into
+it, as any ordinary mortal might do, and a fork also, and next morning
+
+  "Lifeless but 'hideous' he lay,"
+
+while the portrait has recovered the perfect beauty which it possessed
+when it first left the artist's easel. If OSCAR intended an allegory,
+the finish is dreadfully wrong. Does he mean that, by sacrificing
+his earthly life, _Dorian Gray_ atones for his infernal sins, and so
+purifies his soul by suicide? "Heavens! I am no preacher," says the
+Baron, "and perhaps OSCAR didn't mean anything at all, except to give
+us a sensation, to show how like BULWER LYTTON'S old-world style he
+could make his descriptions and his dialogue, and what an easy thing
+it is to frighten the respectable _Mrs. Grundy_ with a Bogie." The
+style is decidedly Lyttonerary. His aphorisms are Wilde, yet forced.
+Mr. OSCAR WILDE says of his story, "it is poisonous if you like, but
+you cannot deny that it is also perfect, and perfection is what we
+artists aim at." Perhaps; but "we artists" do not always hit what
+we aim at, and, despite his confident claim to unerring artistic
+marksmanship, one must hazard the opinion, that in this case Mr. WILDE
+has "shot wide." There is indeed more of "poison" than of "perfection"
+in _Dorian Gray_. The central idea is an excellent, if not exactly
+novel, one; and a finer art, say that of NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, would
+have made a striking and satisfying story of it. _Dorian Gray_ is
+striking enough, in a sense, but it is not "satisfying" artistically,
+any more than it is so ethically. Mr. WILDE has preferred the sensuous
+and hyperdecorative manner of "Mademoiselle DE MAUPIN," and without
+GAUTIER'S power, has spoilt a promising conception by clumsy unideal
+treatment. His "decoration" (upon which he plumes himself) is indeed
+"laid on with a trowel." The luxuriously elaborate details of his
+"artistic hedonism" are too suggestive of South Kensington Museum
+and æsthetic Encyclopædias. A truer art would have avoided both the
+glittering conceits, which bedeck the body of the story, and the
+unsavoury suggestiveness which lurks in its spirit. Poisonous! Yes.
+But the loathly "leperous distilment" taints and spoils, without
+in any way subserving "perfection," artistic or otherwise. If _Mrs.
+Grundy_ doesn't read it, the younger _Grundies_ do; that is, the
+_Grundies_ who belong to Clubs, and who care to shine in certain
+sets wherein this story will be much discussed. "I have read it, and,
+except for the ingenious idea, I wish to forget it," says the Baron.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Baron has seen the new, lively, and eccentric newspaper, entitled
+_The Whirlwind_. It has reached the third number. "I am informed,"
+says the Baron, "that, on payment of five guineas down, I can become
+a life-subscriber to the _Whirlwind_. But what does life-subscriber
+mean? Do I subscribe for the term of my life, or for the term of the
+_Whirlwind's_ life? Suppose the _Whirlwind_ has to be wound up, or
+whirl-winded up, and suppose I am still going on, can I intervene to
+stop the proceedings, and insist on my contract to be supplied with
+a _Whirlwind_ per week for the remainder of my natural or unnatural
+life being carried out? If the contract is for our lives, then, as
+a life-subscriber, I should insist on the _Whirlwind_ remaining
+co-existent with me, so that, up to my latest breath, I might have a
+_Whirlwind_. But if the life-subscription of five guineas is only for
+the term of the _Whirlwind's_ life, then, I fancy the proprietors,
+editor, and staff, that the Hon. STUART ERSKINE and Mr. HERBERT
+VIVIAN, who are, I believe, the Proprietors, Editor, and Staff of the
+_Whirlwind_, will have by far the better of the bargain. I resist the
+temptation, and keep my five pounds five shillings in my pocket, and
+am
+
+"Yours truly, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW ADVERTISEMENT COLUMN.
+
+    [All applications in answer to be addressed to the office
+    of this journal, accompanied by handsome P.O.O, and lots of
+    shilling stamps, which will in every case be retained, without
+    acknowledgment, as a guarantee of good faith.]
+
+URGENT CASE.--WANTED, by a little Boy, aged 10, of thoroughly
+disagreeable temper, selfish, greedy, ill-mannered, and thoroughly
+spoilt at home, a good sound Whipping, weekly, if possible. Great care
+will be necessary on the part of applicant in fulfilling requirements,
+parents of youth in question, being firmly convinced that he is a
+noble little fellow, with a fine manly spirit, just what his dear
+Papa was at his age (as is very probably the case) and only requiring
+peculiarly gentle and considerate treatment.--Apply (in first
+instance, by letter) to Godfather, care of _Mr. Punch_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS,--affectionate but practical-minded, and
+anxious to find economical homes (somewhere else) for young gentlemen
+who cannot get on without expensive assistance at starting in Mother
+country, owing to excessive competition in laborious and over-crowded
+professions. A firm of enterprising Agents offer bracing and
+profitable occupation (coupled with the use _gratis_, of two broken
+spades, an old manure-cart, and an axe without a handle) in a
+peculiarly romantic and unhealthy district in the backwoods of
+West-Torrida. Photograph, if desired, of Agent's residence (distant
+several hundred miles away.) Excellent opening for young men fresh
+from first-class public school or college-life: who should, of course,
+be prepared to "rough it" a little before making competence or
+large fortune, by delightful pursuit of agriculture. No restrictive
+civilisation. No drains. Excellent supply of water and heavy floods as
+a rule, during three months of year, bringing on Spring crops without
+expense of irrigation. Very low death-rate, most of population
+having recently cleared out. Small village and (horse)-doctor within
+twenty-five miles' ride. Wild and beautiful country. Every incentive
+to work. Rare poisonous reptiles, and tarantula spiders, most
+interesting to young observant naturalist. Capital prospect--great
+saving offered to careful parents anxious to set up brougham, or
+increase private expenses. Five boys (reduction on taking a quantity)
+disposed of for about £250 and outfit, with probably, no further
+trouble.--Address, Messrs. SHARKEY AND CRIMPIN, Colonial and
+Emigration Agents. &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONCERTS! CONCERTS!--Amateur Comic Vocalist and impromptu "Vamper"
+(gentleman born) of several years' experience in best London Society,
+is anxious to meet with bold and speculative Manager who will offer
+him a first engagement. Can sing--omitting a few high notes--various
+popular melodies, comprising, "_Aunt Sarah's Back-hair," "The Twopenny
+Toff of 'Ighgate 'Ill_," and "_Tommy Robinson's Last Cigar_," and also
+play piano if required, with one finger, but prefers to be accompanied
+by indefatigable friend, who plays entirely by ear, and if allowed to
+smoke freely, can "pick up" any tune in a quarter of an hour. Seldom
+breaks down or forgets words, except before large or unsympathetic
+audience. Fetching comic "biz," and superlative Music-hall "chic."
+Would have no objection to black face and appear at evening parties,
+or in fashionable streets, with banjo (if provided with small police
+escort.) Testimonials from several highly respectable relatives, now
+in asylum, or under treatment at seaside.--Address, with terms, the
+Hon. ALGERNON BRASSLEIGH CHEEKINGTON (or at Chimpanzee Chambers in
+Piccadilly, W.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOR REFORM IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS' SYSTEM.--"_Absence_" should
+be called immediately after dinner, and then each boy, instead
+of saying, "Here, Sir!" could reply, classically and correctly,
+"_Adsum!_" Yours truly, AN OVER-ETON BOY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LAT. 60° 8' N. LONG. 4° 30' E.
+
+_Mr. Punch en route for the Midnight Sun. First glimpse of Norway._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE CUP THAT CHE-(HIC)-ERS!"
+
+The Total Abstainer staggered to his feet. The room seemed to be
+waltzing round him, and his legs acted independently of each other.
+One of those legs tried to walk to the right, whilst the other moved
+to the left! He looked in the mirror and saw a double reflection!
+He had two noses, a couple of mouths, four eyes, and countless
+whiskers. This made him merry, and he laughed in very glee. But
+only for a while! Soon he became utterly depressed. Then his head
+ached--horribly! He tried to sleep--he could not! "Never too late--to
+MENDAL!" he gasped out, uttering in his extreme agitation the name of
+a Physician of Berlin who had made inebriety a special study.
+
+Then his muscles became weak and trembling, his aversion to labour
+increased, and he had scarcely the energy or power to observe that
+his complexion (in patches) was ruddier than the cherry.
+
+"Alas!" he sighed, and he succumbed permanently to persistent
+dyspepsia!
+
+And what was the cause of this unfortunate, this terrible condition?
+Sad to say, the question was easily answered. The Total Abstainer had
+taken a drop too much--of Coffee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CATCHING;
+
+OR, HOW FAR WILL IT GO?
+
+(BEING A FORECAST OF THE SPREAD OF THE STRIKE FEVER, FROM A NEXT
+WEEK'S DIARY.)
+
+_Wednesday_.--All the Police, having now been replaced by Amateur
+Special Constables, who are as yet unfamiliar with their duties, the
+position of the Metropolitan Magistrates becomes impossible, and
+they resign in a body at five minutes' notice, causing the greatest
+consternation in signalling their resignation by sending every case
+on the charge-sheet that morning for trial to a superior Court.
+
+_Thursday_.--The Judges, overwhelmed by the prospect of an unusual and
+quite impossible amount of extra work, demand the increase of their
+salaries to £10,000 per annum. On this being categorically refused
+by the Treasury, they then and there, on their respective Benches,
+severally tear off their wigs and robes, and quit their Courts "for
+good," with threatening gestures.
+
+_Friday_.--The LORD CHANCELLOR, on being informed of the conduct of
+the Judges, rips open the Woolsack, scattering its contents over the
+floor of the House of Lords, and, denouncing the Government, throws up
+his post on the spot. The legal business of the country, coming thus
+to a deadlock, is involved in further chaos by a sudden strike of
+all the Members of both the Senior and Junior Bars, which is further
+complicated by another of every Solicitor in the three kingdoms.
+
+_Saturday_.--Gatling guns being posted in the Entrance Hall, and Bow
+Street having been cleared by a preliminary discharge of artillery,
+the programme of the Royal Italian Opera for the evening is carried
+out, as advertised, at Covent Garden. Ladies wearing their diamonds,
+are conveyed to the theatre in Police Vans, surrounded by detachments
+of the Household Cavalry, and gentlemen's evening dress is
+supplemented by a six-chambered revolver, an iron-cased umbrella, a
+head protector, and a double-edged cut-and-thrusting broad-sword.
+
+_Sunday_.--The Church having caught the prevailing fever, the entire
+body of the Clergy, headed by the Bishops, come out on strike, with
+the result that no morning, afternoon, or evening services are held
+anywhere. The Medical Profession takes up the idea, and, discovering
+a grievance, the Royal College of Surgeons issues a manifesto. All the
+hospitals turn out their patients, and medical men universally drop
+all their cases. An M.D. who is known, upon urgent pressure, to have
+made an official visit, is chased up and down Harley Street by a mob
+of his infuriated brother practitioners, and is finally nearly lynched
+on a lamp-post in Cavendish Square. The day closes in with a serious
+riot in Hyde Park, caused by the meeting of the conflicting elements
+of Society, who have all marched there with their bands and banners to
+air their respective grievances.
+
+_Monday_.--The London County Council, School Board, Common Council,
+Court of Aldermen, and the Royal Academicians after discovering,
+respectively, some trifling sources of dissatisfaction, wreck their
+several establishments, and finally march along the Thames Embankment
+towards Westminster, singing, alternately, the "_Marseillaise_" and
+"_Ask a Pleece-man._"
+
+_Tuesday_.--The House of Commons, after tossing the SPEAKER in his own
+gown, declare the Constitution extinct, and, abolishing the House of
+Lords and giving all the Foreign Ambassadors twelve hours notice to
+quit the country, announce their own dissolution, and immediately
+commence their Autumn Holiday.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Railway Directors, Sweeps, Chairmen of Public Companies,
+Coal-Heavers, Provincial Mayors, Dentists, Travelling Circus
+Proprietors, Fish Contractors, Beadles, Cabinet Ministers, Street
+Scavengers, Dog Fanciers, Archbishops, Gas Fitters, Hereditary
+Legislators, Prize Fighters, Poor-Law Guardians, Lion Tamers,
+Green-Grocers, and many other discontented members of the community,
+having all joined in a universal strike, society, becomes totally
+disorganised, and the entire country quietly but, effectually
+collapses, and disappears from the European system.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE ONCE AGAIN, ADAPTED TO THE SITUATION.
+
+(SEE _TITUS ANDRONICUS_, ACT II., SC. 1.)
+
+_AARON (THE AGITATOR) LOQUITUR_.--
+
+  For shame, be friends, and join for that you jar:
+  'Tis Union and Strikes, my lads, must do
+  That you affect; and so must you resolve
+  That what you cannot severally achieve,
+  United you may manage as you will.
+  A speedier course than lingering languishment
+  Must we pursue, and I have found the path.
+  My lads, a biggish business is in hand;
+  Together let brave British Bobbies troop:
+  The City streets are numerous and wealthy,
+  And many unfrequented nooks there be,
+  Fitted by kind for violence and theft;
+  But take you thence, and many a watchful ruffian
+  Will soon strike home, by force and not by words:
+  This way, or not at all, stand you in hope.
+  Come, come, our comrades, with more sluggish wit,
+  To vigilance and duty consecrate,
+  Will we acquaint with all that we intend,
+  And we will so commit them to our cause
+  That they cannot stand off or "square" themselves;
+  But to your wishes' height you'll all advance.
+  The City's courts have houses of ill-fame,
+  Town's palaces are full of wanton wealth,
+  The slums are ruthless, ravenous ripe for crime.
+  _Then speak, and strike, brave boys, and take your turn_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.
+
+_Fair Authoress_. "SO SORRY TO BE SO LATE. I'M AFRAID I'M _LAST_!"
+
+_Genial Host_. "'_LAST_--BUT NOT _LEAST_!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG SENTIMENTIANA.
+
+(_A DELIGHTFUL "ALL-THE-YEAR-SOUND" RESORT FOR THE FASHIONABLE
+COMPOSER._)
+
+EXAMPLE V.--OF THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWERS OF LOVE, UNDER CONDITION OF
+PROXIMITY.
+
+  When thou art near, the hemisphere
+    Commissioned to surround me,
+  (As well as you,) is subject to
+    Some changes that astound me.
+  Where'er I look I seem mistook;
+    All objects--what, I care not--
+  At once arrange to make a change
+    To something that they were not!
+      When thou art near, love,
+        Strange things occur--
+      Thickness is clear, love,
+        Clearness a blur.
+      Penguins are weasels,
+        Cheap things are dear,
+      "Jumps" are but measles
+        When thou art near!
+
+  When thou art close, the doctor's dose
+    Is quite a decent tonic.
+  Thy presence, too, makes all things new,
+    And five-act plays laconic.
+  And, with thee by, the earth's the sky,
+    And _your_ "day out" is _my_ day,
+  While tailors' bills are daffodils,
+    And Saturday is Friday!
+      When thou art here, love,
+        Just where you are,
+      Far things are near, love,
+        Near things are far.
+      Beef-tea is wine, love,
+        Champagne is beer,
+      Wet days are fine, love,
+        When thou art near.
+
+  Without you stand quite close at hand,
+    A broker _is_ a broker;
+  But stick by me, and then he'll be
+    A very pleasant joker!
+  Without thee by, a lie's a lie--
+    The truth is nought but truthful.
+  But by me stay, and night is day--
+    And even _you_ are youthful
+      When thou art near, love,--
+        Not, love, unless,--
+      Thick soup is clear, love,
+        Football is chess.
+      IRVINGS are TOOLES, love,
+        Tadpoles are deer,
+      Wise men are fools, love,
+        When thou art near!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When KENNEDY fell out of his boat at Henley, his antagonist, PSOTTA,
+magnanimously waited for him to get in again. He must be a good Psotta
+chap.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST OPPORTUNITIES.--Last Tuesday week the members of the Incorporated
+Cain-and-Abel-Authors' Society lost a great treat when Mr. GEORGE
+AUGUSTUS lost a indignantly refused to take his seat "below the salt,"
+and walked out without making the speech with which his name was
+associated on the toast-list. But, on the other hand, what a big
+chance Orator GEORGE AUGUSTUS lost of coming out strong in opposition,
+and astonishing the Pen-and-Inkorporated ones with a few stirring
+remarks, in his most genial vein, on the brotherhood of Authors,
+and their appreciation of distinguished services in the field
+of Literature. It was an opportunity, too, for suggesting
+"Re-distribution of Seats."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MRS. H.M. STANLEY.
+
+  The merry bells do naught but ring,
+   The streets are gay with flag and pennant,
+  The birds more sweetly seem to sing--
+    A Heart to Let has found a TENNANT!
+  No more will HENRY MORTON roam,
+    Nor from your charms away for long go,
+  But, honeymooning here at home,
+    Forget he ever saw the Congo!
+
+  To Oxford 'twas your husband went--
+    The stately home of Don and Proctor--
+  Where, 'mid the deafening cheers that rent
+    The air, he straight became a Doctor.
+  As one whose valour none can shake,
+    We've sung him in a thousand ditties,
+  And freedoms too we've made him take
+    Of goodness knows how many cities!
+
+  Yet while to honour and to praise
+    With one another we've been vying,
+  Has he not told us for the days
+    Of rest to come he ne'er ceased sighing?
+  And when, with pomp of high degree,
+    Your marriage vows and troth you plighted,
+  Why, everyone was glad to see
+    Art and Adventure thus united!
+
+  "To those about to Marry.--Don't!"
+    So _Mr. Punch_ did once advise us.
+  Spread the advice? I'm sure you won't.
+    A course which hardly need surprise us.
+  O lovely wife of one we think
+    Above all others brave and manly,
+  We clink our glasses as we drink
+    Long life and health to Mrs. STANLEY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ANGLO-GERMAN CONCERTINA.
+
+    "I confess I was not at all prepared for the feelings that
+    some South Africans appear to entertain with respect to our
+    conduct in the recent negotiations"--_Lord Salisbury to
+    the Deputation of African Merchants respecting the proposed
+    Anglo-German Agreement._
+
+[Illustration: _Imperial Instrumentalist_ (_loquitur_). "WHAT, NOT
+LIKE THE TONE OF IT? WELL, YOU _DO_ SURPRISE ME!!!"]
+
+  I fancied that this Instrument
+    Would make a great sensation
+  And that its music would content
+    The critics and the nation,
+  I know it is what vulgar folks
+    Christen the "Constant-screamer;"
+  I thought _you_'d scorn such feeble jokes;
+    It seems I was a dreamer.
+  You writhe your lips, you close your ears!
+    Dear me! Such conduct tries me.
+  You do not like it, it appears
+    Well, well,--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  'Tis not, I know, the Jingo drum,
+    Nor the "Imperial" trumpet.
+  (The country to their call won't come,
+    However much you stump it.)
+  They're out of fashion; 'tis not now
+    As in the days of "BEAKEY."
+  People dislike the Drum's tow-row.
+    And call the Trumpet squeaky.
+  So I the Concertina try,
+    As valued friends advise me.
+  What's that you say? It's all my eye?
+    Well, well,--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  I fancied you would like it much,
+    You and the other fellows.
+  Admire the tone, remark my touch!
+    And what capacious bellows!
+  'Tis not as loud as a trombone,
+    But harmony's not rumpus;
+  The chords are charming, and you'll own
+    It has a pretty compass.
+  I swing like this, I sway like that!
+    Fate a fine theme supplies me!
+  The "treatment" you think feeble, flat?
+    Well, well--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  The "European Concert"? Grand!
+    (You recollect that term, man!)
+  _This_ is a Concertina, and
+    It's make is Anglo-German,
+  You can't _expect_ the thing to be
+    English alone, completely;
+  But really, as 'tis played by me.
+    Does it not sound most sweetly?
+  Humph! DONALD CURRIE cocks his nose,
+    BECKETT  disdainfully eyes me,
+  My Concertina you would--_close!_
+    Well, well--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+Scarcely a day passes without bringing us nearer to the end of the
+year. That is a melancholy reflection, but we are not sure that it
+exhausts all the possibilities of misery latent in the flight of
+time. It has been noticed, for instance, that the Duke of X----, whose
+sporting proclivities are notorious, never fails to celebrate his
+birthday with a repast at an inferior _restaurant_, and, as His Grace
+is powerful, his friends suffer in silence and bewail his increasing
+ducal age.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Henley Regatta came off as arranged. This is a peculiarity which is
+very striking in connection with this Royal fixture. We are informed
+that several certainties were upset, but by whom and why has not
+been stated. Candidly speaking, such a brutal method as "upsetting"
+consorts ill with the softer manners of our time. On the Thames, too,
+it must be extraordinarily disagreeable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. WEEDLE, the Hon. Mrs. THREADBARE, and Lady FAWN, have joined
+the lately established Bureau for the Dissemination of Fashionable
+Friendships. The Personal Advertising Department is now open, and is
+daily filled with a distinguished crowd of applicants. Arrangements
+are in process of completion for supplying the deserving rich with
+cambric handkerchiefs, and imitation diamonds, at nominal prices.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A well-known Actor has lately been deprived of his customary allowance
+of fat. His loss of weight (in avoirdupois) has been computed at
+five-sixteenths of the integral cubit of a patent accumulator's
+vertical boiling power, divided by the fractional resistance of a
+plate-glass window to a two-horse-power catapult.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The weather has been variable, with cryptoconchoidal deflections of a
+solid reverberating isobar previously tested in a solution of zinc and
+soda-water. This indicates cold weather in December next.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consols 1/50094th better. Wheat in demand. Jute firm. Bank rate too
+fast to last.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Politician, whose name has been frequently mentioned during the
+late crisis, has stated it as his opinion that a temperance orator's
+powers of persuasion are to a moral victory as a Prime Minister is
+to a willow-pattern dinner-plate. The remark caused much excitement
+in the lobby, where this gentleman's humorous sallies never lack
+appreciators.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What is this I hear of a certain Noble Duke, well-known in sporting
+circles, having accepted a three months' engagement to appear in a
+"comic character sketch of his own composition," at a long-established
+East End-Music Hall? If there is any truth in the rumour, I should
+like to ask _what the Duchess has been about?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A distinguished Oxford Mathematical Professor has, just after
+prolonged and patient research, established the undoubted certainty
+of the following interesting facts beyond any possible question or
+controversy:--That the quantity of Almond Rock Hard Bake, consumed in
+the United Kingdom in the year terminating on the 15th of May last,
+amounted to 17 lbs. 9 oz. for each member of the population, including
+women and children. That if at all the old and discarded Chimney Pot
+Hats for a like period were collected in a heap, and packed closely
+together, they would fill a building twice the height of St. Paul's,
+and three times the length of the Crystal Palace. That winners of
+the Derby who have become eventually four-wheeler cab-horses are
+ninety-six in number, but that there is _only one authentic_ instance
+of a four-wheeler cab-horse having become a Derby winner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+So great is the craze for the newest idea in locomotion that it is
+calculated that including Duchesses no less than 1470 _grandes dames_
+whose names are well-known in Society, now pass Piccadilly Circus on
+the outside of the London General Omnibus Company's vehicles, between
+the hours of 8 A.M. and 10 P.M. daily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PASSPORT TO THE BEST SOCIETY, AND A GUARANTEE FOR RESPECTABILITY,
+is to be a diligent student of _Mr. Punch's_ works, and to have earned
+the abuse of the _Pall-Mall Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
+
+_Monday_.--_Les Huguenots_. Great night in consequence of police
+strike in Bow Street. Rioting, and Life Guards called out late, just
+as they were retiring for the night. Down they came, in regimentals,
+in undress, anyhow, to quell the disturbance. At least, such is the
+report inside the house. But inconvenient to be in two places at
+once. Henceforth they ought to record this incident by having an
+extinguisher (typical of going to bed and also of quelling the row)
+slung on to their breast-plates. Extinguisher clinking against
+armour would make pretty noise. Their Royal Highnesses the Prince and
+Princess of WALES, having come to enjoy the Opera, remain undisturbed,
+and leave in perfect tranquillity. Excellent example to perturbed
+audience. Excitement within the house. DRURIOLANUS, Earl DE GREY,
+Mr. HIGGINS, and other members of the Organising Operatic Committee,
+ready to charge the mob at a moment's notice, to charge up to two
+guineas a stall, if necessary. Not necessary, however. Calls for the
+Sheriff-elect. DRURIOLANUS, not having the official costume ready,
+cannot appear in it, but uses his authority and his persuasive powers
+in clearing lobbies, saloons, and hall. At any moment he is ready
+to march out with all the Huguenot soldiers and charge the rioters.
+Peace restored about midnight, Household troops sent home to bed, and
+constables decided to strike only on the heads of roughs, rowdies,
+and burglars. This shows how useful it is to have a Sheriff on the
+premises. At Her Majesty's last winter they had the nearest approach
+to it, that is, Sheriff's officers on the premises. But this is not
+precisely the same thing, as Sheriff's officers wear no uniform, and
+not being permitted to go out of a house when once it is given into
+their custody, they, however valiant, are of no use in a crowd.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Tuesday_.--_Lohengrin_. Regardless of rioters, their Royal Highnesses
+again here. Much cheered outside on driving away. Yet crowd in Strand
+(so we hear) not particularly good-tempered, and have wrecked a
+private brougham or two. No effect on Opera, which goes as well as
+ever. Rumours that the player of the _grosse caisse_ has struck at
+rehearsal are confirmed, he appears in his place and strikes again,
+so does the Shakspearian performer "Cymbaline."
+
+_Wednesday_.--_Don Giovanni_. ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN as _Zerlina_, very
+popular. Still a little too like _Carmen_ in appearance. LASSALLE
+can't be bettered. Great night everywhere. Mlle. MELBA and Mr. EDOUARD
+DE RESZKÉ taking a little holiday at a concert in Grosvenor Square,
+where also are Madame PATEY and another EDWARD yclept LLOYD, whom
+HERR GANZ accompanies with his "_Sons of Tubal Cain_"--no political
+allusion to the recent Barrow Election. Opera comparatively full.
+Some _habitués_ look in to see how everything's going on, then go on
+themselves to Reception in Piccadilly, At Homes elsewhere, M.P.Q.'s
+Smoking Concert, and various other entertainments. Society winding
+itself up brilliantly. "Rebellion's dead! and now we'll go to supper."
+And so we do. "Again we come to the Savoy!"
+
+_Thursday_.--_Lucia_ off-night, but everything and everybody "going
+on" as usual. H.R.H. again at Opera.
+
+_Friday_.--_La Favorita_. Breathing time before the great Operatic
+event of week to-morrow night.
+
+_Saturday_.--_Esmeralda_. Too late at last moment to say anything on
+this splendid subject, save that the Composer was deservedly greeted
+with a storm--of applause!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURELY A MATTER OF BISLEYNESS.
+
+PRIVATE R. VAN WINKLE opened his eyes, and, taking up his rusty rifle,
+marched towards the new ranges.
+
+"Dear me!" said he, gazing with amazement at his surroundings, "this
+is not at all like what I saw when I went to sleep."
+
+"No, RIP, it is not," replied _Mr. Punch_, who happened to be in the
+neighbourhood. He had been watching his sweetest Princess making a
+bull's-eye at the opening ceremony.
+
+"Why, it is twice as large as Wimbledon," continued the astounded
+warrior.
+
+"You are well within the limit," the Sage assented, "and see, there
+is plenty of space. No fear of damaging any of the tenants of GEORGE
+RANGER in _this_ part of the country."
+
+"No, indeed!" exclaimed Private VAN WINKLE. "Not that I think His
+Royal Highness had much cause of complaint. The truth is--"
+
+"Let bygones be bygones," interrupted _Mr. Punch_. "GEORGE RANGER is
+no longer your landlord, except, in a certain sense, representing the
+interests of the Regular Army, and I shall keep _my_ eye upon him in
+that capacity."
+
+"An entirely satisfactory arrangement. But where are the fancy tents,
+and the luncheon parties, and all the etceteras that used to be so
+pleasant at Wimbledon?"
+
+"Disappeared," returned _Mr. Punch_, firmly. "Bisley is to be more
+like Shoeburyness (where the Artillery set an excellent example to
+the Infantry) than the Surrey saturnalia."
+
+"And is it to be _all_ work and no play?"
+
+"That will be the general idea. Of course, in the evening, when
+nothing better can be done, there will be harmonic meetings round the
+camp-fires. But while light lasts, the crack of the rifle and the
+ping of the bullet will be heard in all directions, _vice_ the pop
+of champagne corks superseded. And if you don't like the prospect,
+my dear RIP, you had better go to sleep again."
+
+But Private VAN WINKLE remained awake--to his best interests!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON MATRIMONY.
+
+Well, we're jest about going it, at the reel "Grand Hotel," we are. We
+had jest about the werry lovliest wedding here, larst week, as I ewer
+seed, ewen with my great xperiense. Such a collekshun of brave-looking
+men and reel handsum women as seldom meets together xcept on these
+most hintresting occashuns. And as good luck wood have it, jest as
+we was in the werry wirl and xcitement of it all, who should come in
+to lunch but the same emminent yung Swell as cum about a munth ago.
+And he had jest the same helegant but simple lunch as before, with a
+bottle of the same splendid Champane, as before, and he didn't harf
+finish it, as before, and not a drop of what he left was wasted, as
+before; and so, when he paid me his little account, he arsked me if
+many of the werry bewtifool ladies, as I had told him of when he came
+larst, had been to the "Grand" lately, so the bold thort seized, me,
+and I says to him, "Yes, your ---- ----, there's jest a nice few of
+'em here now, and if you will kindly foller me up to our bewtifool
+Libery, and will keep your eyes quite wide open as you gos along, you
+will see jest about a hole room full of 'em."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+So I took him parst the grand room in which the Wedding Gests was
+assembled, and there sure enuff, he seed such a collection of smiling
+bewty, as ewidently made a great impression on his---- ----'s Art,
+and one speshally lovely Bridesmade gave him a look, as he passed by,
+as ewidently went rite thro it. I scarcely xpecs to be bleeved wen I
+says, as his ---- ----'s cheeks quite blusht with hadmirashun, and he
+turned round to me and says, says he, "Ah, Mr. ROBERT, if there was
+many such reel lovely angels as that a flying about, I rayther thinks
+as I shood be perswaded to turn a Bennedictus myself." I didn't at all
+know what he meant, but I thort as it was werry credittable to him.
+We got quite a chatting arterwards in the Libery, of course I don't
+mean to say as I forgot for a moment the strornary difference atween
+us, but he had werry ewidently been werry much struck by the lovely
+Bridesmade, for he says, "Mr. ROBERT," says he, "what's about the rite
+time for a man to marry?"
+
+Of course I was reglar staggered, but I pulls myself together, and I
+says, without not no hesitashun, "Jest a leetle under 30, your ----
+----, for the Gent, and jest a leetle over 20 for the Lady, and then
+the Gent gits just about 10 years advantage, which I thinks as he's
+well entitled to." At which he larfs quite hartily, and he says, "Why
+that wood keep me single for another ten years--but I will think it
+over;" and, strange to say, jest as we passed again by the room as the
+Bridal party was in, the same lovely Bridesmade happend to be near the
+door, so they coud both have a good look at each other, and a hansum
+cupple they was, if ever I seed one. And when his ---- ---- wished
+me good day, which he did, quite in a frendly way, he added, with his
+most bewtifool smile, "Ten years, MR. ROBERT, seems a long time to
+wait for such a sweet angel as that!"
+
+Ah, it's a rum world as we all lives in, and in nothink much rummer
+than in the wunderfool power of a bewtifool face, ah, and as sumbody
+says, for Wheel or for Wo, jest as it appens, more's the pitty.
+
+I rayther thinks, as I gathers from the tork of the many yung swells
+as we has dining here, that they are not altogether what I shoud call
+a marrying race; they seems to think as there's allers plenty of time
+for that sollem seremony when they're a good deal older.
+
+Ah, of course it isn't for a poor old Hed Waiter to presume to adwise
+young and hemenent swells, but my xperiense of uman life teaches me,
+as the werry werry appiest time of a man's life is from 30 to about
+40, perwided as he has been lucky enuff to secure for hisself a yung,
+bewtifool, good-tempered, helegant, and ercomplished Bride, to, as the
+Poet says, harve his sorrows, and dubble his joys.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE ILLUSTRATOR) HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+_Fair Authoress_. "AND, FOR THE FRONTISPIECE, I WANT YOU TO DRAW THE
+HEROINE STANDING PROUDLY ERECT BY THE SEASHORE, GAZING AT THE STILL
+IMAGE OF HERSELF IN THE TROUBLED WAVES. THE SUN IS SETTING; IN THE
+EAST THE NEW MOON IS RISING--A THIN CRESCENT. HER FACE IS THICKLY
+VEILED; AN UNSHED TEAR IS GLISTENING IN HER BLUE EYE; HER SLENDER,
+WHITE, JEWELLED HANDS ARE CLENCHED INSIDE HER MUFF. THE CURLEWS ARE
+CALLING, UNSEEN--"
+
+_F.A.'s Husband_. "YES; DON'T FORGET THE CURLEWS--THEY COME IN
+CAPITALLY! I CAN LEND YOU A STUFFED ONE, YOU KNOW--TO DRAW FROM!" &c.,
+&c., &c., &c., &c.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LYING SPIRIT.
+
+  The Lying Spirit! "Doctrine hard!" some mutter,
+    Dictated by unsympathetic scorn;
+  A doctrine that on light would draw the shutter,
+    And close the opening gateways of the morn.
+  No so; no guiding light would _Punch_ extinguish,
+    Or chill true champion of the toiling crowd;
+  But wisdom at its kindliest must distinguish
+    Between true guides and tricksters false as loud.
+  The blameless King his headlong knights upbraided
+    In kindly grief for "following foolish fires,"
+  False flames that in mere dun marsh-darkness faded,
+    Leaving lost votaries to its mists and mires;
+  And here's an _ignis fatuus_, fired by folly,
+    And moved by violence as fierce as blind;
+  The gulf before's a bourne most melancholy,
+    And what of those fast following behind?
+  Well-meaning hearts, maybe, all expectation
+    Of glittering gains upon a perilous road,
+  Stirred by wild whirling words to keen elation,
+    Pricked on by poverty's imperious goad;
+  Hoping,--as who of hope shall be forbidden?--
+    Striving,--as who hath not the right to strive?--
+  For flaunted gain through perils shrewdly hidden!
+    Oh, labourers hard in Industry's huge hive,
+  What wonder, if, ill-paid and tired, you hasten
+    To follow the loud bauble and the lure,
+  Or gird at those who your wild hopes would chasten,
+    Or guide you on a pathway more secure!
+  And yet beware! No oriflamme of battle
+    Is that false radiance round yon impish brow.
+  The jester's bladder-bauble, with its rattle
+    Of prisoned peas, is not the tow-row-row
+  Of Labour's true _reveillé_. Bonnet Phrygian,
+    Cap of sham Liberty, the spectre wears;
+  But he will plunge to depths of darkness Stygian
+    Whom anti-civic Violence ensnares.
+  Plain Justice, honest Hope are good to follow,
+    But Insubordination, fierce and blind,
+  Mouthing out furious threat or promise hollow.
+    Is the sworn foe of civilised mankind;
+  Breaking up ancient bonds of love and duty,
+    All social links that bear abiding test,
+  With no sound promise of a better beauty,
+    A fairer justice, or a truer rest.
+  No; patient Labour, with its long-borne burden
+    And guardian Force, with its thrice-noble trust,
+  Claim from the State the fullest, freest guerdon,
+    And all wise souls, all spirits fair and just,
+  Must back the Great Appeal that Time advances,
+    And Progress justifies in this our time.
+  But civic Violence, in all circumstances
+    Now like to hap, is anti-social crime,
+  Foul in its birth and fatal in its issue.
+    Tyrannic act, incendiary speech,
+  Recklessly rend the subtly woven tissue
+    That binds Society's organs each to each.
+  Strong Toiler, deft Auxiliar, stalwart Warder,
+    Your hour has struck, your tyrants face their doom,
+  But let hot haste unsettle temperate order,
+    And Hope's bright disc will feel eclipse's gloom.
+  This is a lying spirit, sly and sinister,
+    Its promise false, its loud incitements vain.
+  Not to your true advantage shall it minister,
+    Mere Goblin Gold its glittering show of Gain:
+  Spectre of Chaos and the Abyss, it flutters
+    Before you flaunting high its foolish fire,
+  But there's a lie in each loud word it utters,
+    And its true goal is Anarchy's choking mire!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIME THE AVENGER!
+
+On the 24th of June, 1871, _Mr. Punch_ sang, _àpropos_ of the Germans
+desiring to purchase Heligoland--
+
+  "Though to rule the waves, we may believe they aspire,
+    If their Navy grow great, we must let it;
+  But if one British island they think to acquire,
+    Bless their hearts, don't they wish they may get it?"
+
+And they _have_ got it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LYING SPIRIT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GRUMBLE FOR THE GRENADIERS.
+
+  What is this your _Punch_ hears of you? Can't you dissipate his fears?
+  Did the bugle ring out vainly for the British Grenadiers?
+  Once the regiment was famous for its deeds of derring-do,
+  And you followed where the flag went when on alien winds it flew.
+  Has the soldiers' "oath of duty" been forgotten, that you shirk,
+  Not the face of foe, we're certain, but this kit-inspecting work?
+
+  You have trodden paths of glory (we have seen your banners fly)
+  Where the murky smoke of battle gathered thickly o'er the sky;
+  Can you thus besmirch the laurels that in other days you won,
+  By forgetfulness of duties that by soldiers must be done?
+  Egad! my gallant lads, your _Punch_ can scarce believe his ears,
+  When he hears this shocking story of the British Grenadiers!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AT A DANCE.
+
+    The Hostess is receiving her Guests at the head of the
+    staircase; a Conscientiously Literal Man presents himself.
+
+_Hostess_ (_with a gracious smile, and her eyes directed to the people
+immediately behind him_). _So_ glad you were able to come--how do you
+_do_?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_The Conscientiously Literal Man_. Well, if you had asked me that
+question this afternoon, I should have said was in for a severe attack
+of malarial fever--I had all the symptoms--but, about seven o'clock
+this evening, they suddenly passed off, and--
+
+    [Perceives, to his surprise, that his Hostess's attention
+    is wandering, and decides to tell her the rest later in the
+    evening.
+
+_Mr. Clumpsole_. How do you do, Miss THISTLEDOWN? Can you give me a
+dance?
+
+_Miss Thistledown_ (_who has danced with him before_--once). With
+pleasure--let me see, the third extra after supper? Don't forget.
+
+_Miss Brushleigh_ (_to Major Erser_). Afraid I can't give you anything
+just now--but if you see me standing about later on, you can come and
+ask me again, you know.
+
+_Mr. Boldover_ (_glancing eagerly round the room as he enters, and
+soliloquizing mentally_). She ought to be here by this time, if she's
+coming--can't see her though--she's certainly not dancing. There's her
+sister over there with the mother. She _hasn't_ come, or she'd be with
+them. Poor-looking lot of girls here to-night--don't think much of
+this music--get away as soon as I can, no _go_ about the thing!...
+Hooray! There she is, after all! Jolly waltz this is they're playing!
+How pretty she's looking--how pretty _all_ the girls are looking! If
+I can only get her to give me one dance, and sit out most of it
+somewhere! I feel as if I could talk to her to-night. By Jove, I'll
+try it!
+
+    [Watches his opportunity, and is cautiously making his way
+    towards his divinity, when he is intercepted.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_. Mr. BOLDOVER, I do believe you were going to _cut_
+me! (_Mr. B. protests and apologises._) Well, _I_ forgive you. I've
+been wanting to have another talk with you for ever so long. I've
+been thinking so _much_ of what you said that evening about BROWNING'S
+relation to Science and the Supernatural. Suppose you take me
+downstairs for an ice or something, and we can have it out comfortably
+together.
+
+    [Dismay of Mr. B., who has entirely forgotten any theories
+    he may have advanced on the subject, but has no option but to
+    comply; as he leaves the room with Mrs. GRAPPLETON on his
+    arm, he has a torturing glimpse of Miss ROUNDARM, apparently
+    absorbed in her partner's conversation.
+
+_Mr. Senior Roppe_ (_as he waltzes_). Oh, you needn't feel convicted
+of extraordinary ignorance, I assure you, Miss FEATHERHEAD. YOU would
+be surprised if you knew how many really clever persons have found
+that simple little problem of nought divided by one too much for them.
+Would you have supposed, by the way, that there is a reservoir in
+Pennsylvania containing a sufficient number of gallons to supply all
+London for eighteen months? You don't quite realise it, I see. "How
+many gallons is that?" Well, let me calculate roughly--taking
+the population of London at four millions, and the average daily
+consumption for each individual at--no, I can't work it out with
+sufficient accuracy while I am dancing; suppose we sit down, and I'll
+do it for you on my shirt-cuff--oh, very well; then I'll work it out
+when I get home, and send you the result to-morrow, if you will allow
+me.
+
+_Mr. Culdersack_ (_who has provided himself beforehand with a set of
+topics for conversation--to his partner, as they halt for a moment_).
+Er--(_consults some hieroglyphics on his cuff stealthily_)--have you
+read STANLEY'S book yet?
+
+_Miss Tabula Raiser_. No, I haven't. Is it interesting?
+
+_Mr. Culdersack_. I can't say. I've not seen it myself. Shall
+we--er--?
+
+    [They take another turn.
+
+_Mr. C._ I suppose you have--er--been to the (_hesitates between
+the Academy and the Military Exhibition--decides on latter topic as
+fresher_) Military Exhibition?
+
+_Miss T.R._ No--not yet. What do you think of it?
+
+_Mr. C._ Oh--_I_ haven't been either. Er--do you care to--?
+
+    [They take another turn.
+
+_Mr. C._ (_after third halt_). Er--do you take any interest in
+politics?
+
+_Miss T.R._ Not a bit.
+
+_Mr. C._ (_much relieved_). No more do I. (_Considers that he has
+satisfied all mental requirements_). Er--let me take you down-stairs
+for an ice.
+
+    [They go.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_ (_re-entering with_ Mr. BOLDOVER, _after a
+discussion that has outlasted two ices and a plate of strawberries_).
+Well, I thought you would have explained my difficulties better than
+_that_--oh, what a _delicious_ waltz! Doesn't it set you longing to
+dance?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_who sees_ Miss ROUNDARM _in the distance, disengaged_).
+Yes, I really think I must--
+
+    [Preparing to escape.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_. I'm getting such an old thing, that really I
+oughtn't to--but well, just this _once_, as my husband isn't here.
+
+    [MR. BOLDOVER resigns himself to necessity once more.
+
+_First Chaperon_ (_to 2nd ditto_). How sweet it is of your eldest girl
+to dance with that absurd Mr. CLUMPSOLE! It's really too _bad_ of him
+to make such an exhibition of her--one can't help smiling at them!
+
+_Second Ch._ Oh, ETHEL never can bear to hurt anyone's feelings--so
+different from some girls! By the way, I've not seen _your_ daughter
+dancing to-night--men who dance are so scarce nowadays--I suppose they
+think they have the right to be a little fastidious.
+
+_First Ch._ BELLA has been out so much this week, that she doesn't
+care to dance except with a really first-rate partner. She is not so
+easily pleased as your ETHEL, I'm afraid.
+
+_Second Ch._ ETHEL is _young_, you see, and, when one is pressed so
+much to dance, one can hardly refuse, _can_ one? When she has had as
+many Seasons as BELLA, she will be less energetic, I daresay.
+
+    [MR. BOLDOVER has at last succeeded in approaching Miss
+    ROUNDARM, and even in inducing her to sit out a dance with
+    him; but, having led her to a convenient alcove, he finds
+    himself totally unable to give any adequate expression to the
+    rapture he feels at being by her side.
+
+_Mr. B._ (_determined to lead up to it somehow_). I--I was rather
+thinking--(_he_ meant _to say, "devoutly hoping," but, to his own
+bitter disgust, it comes out like this_)--I should meet you here
+to-night.
+
+_Miss R._ Were you? Why?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_with a sudden dread of going too far just yet_). Oh,
+(_carelessly_), you know how one _does_ wonder who will be at a place,
+and who won't.
+
+_Miss R._ No, indeed, I don't.--_how_ does one wonder?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_with a vague notion of implying a complimentary exception
+in her case_). Oh, well, generally--(_with the fatal tendency of a shy
+man to a sweeping statement_)--one may be pretty sure of meeting just
+the people one least wants to see, you know.
+
+_Miss R._ And so you thought you would probably meet me. I _see_.
+
+_Mr. B._ (_overwhelmed with confusion, and not in the least knowing
+what he says_). No, no, I didn't think that--I hoped you mightn't--I
+mean, I was afraid you might--
+
+    [Stops short, oppressed by the impossibility of explaining.
+
+_Miss R._ You are not very complimentary to-night, are you?
+
+_Mr. B._ I can't pay compliments--to _you_--I don't know how it is,
+but I never can talk to you as I can to other people!
+
+_Miss R._ Are you amusing when you are with other people?
+
+_Mr. B._ At all events I can find things to say to _them_.
+
+    Enter Another Man.
+
+_Another Man_ (_to_ Miss B.). Our dance, I think?
+
+_Miss R._ (_who had intended to get out of it_). I was wondering if
+you ever meant to come for it. (_To_ Mr. B., _as they rise._) Now
+I shan't feel I am depriving the other people! (_Perceives the
+speechless agony in his expression, and relents._) Well, you can have
+the next after this if you care about it--only _do_ try to think of
+something in the meantime! (_As she goes off._) You will--won't you?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_to himself_). She's given me another chance! If only I can
+rise to it. Let me see--what shall I begin with? _I_ know--_Supper!_
+She hasn't been down yet.
+
+_His Hostess_. Oh, Mr. BOLDOVER, you're not dancing this--do be good
+and take someone down to supper--those poor Chaperons are dying for
+some food.
+
+    [Mr. B. takes down a Matron whose repast is protracted
+    through three waltzes and a set of Lancers--he comes up to
+    find Miss ROUNDARM gone, and the Musicians putting up their
+    instruments.
+
+_Coachman at door_ (_to Linkman, as Mr. B. goes down the steps_).
+That's the _lot_, JIM!
+
+    [Mr. B. walks home, wishing the Park Gates were not shut, to
+    as to render the Serpentine inaccessible_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHADOWING AT HENLEY REGATTA.
+
+TOBY, M.P., TAKES AN INSTANTANEOUS PHOTOGRAPH WITH HIS DETECTIVE
+CAMERA IN THE BOW OF MR. PUNCH'S BOAT, WITH THE ABOVE EXTRAORDINARY
+RESULT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 7._--Cabinet Council on Saturday;
+House begins to think it's time Ministers made up their minds what
+they're going to do with business of Session. But OLD MORALITY returns
+customary answer. Ministry still carefully considering question.
+Meantime he has nothing to say.
+
+"Except in respect of sex and age, O.M. reminds me." said ALBEBT
+ROLLIT, "of scene in play recently put on stage by BEERBOHM TREE--_A
+Man's Shadow_ it was called. Daresay you remember, TOBY; there's a
+murder witnessed through window by wife and little daughter.
+They think it's their man that did the deed; but 'twas the other
+fellow--the Shadow, don't you know. There is police inquiry; mother
+and daughter cross-examined; believe the murderer is the husband and
+father; saw him do it with their own eyes; but of course not going
+to peach; little girl pressed to tell all she knows; makes answer in
+voice that thrills Gallery, and makes mothers in the Pit weep, 'I have
+seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Never see OLD MORALITY come to
+the table, as he is now accustomed nightly to do, and protest he has
+no statement to make, than I think of the little TERRY in this Scene,
+and her wailing, piteous cry, 'I have seen nothing, I have heard
+nothing.' Quite time he had, though. If Ministers can't make up their
+minds, what's the House to do? Begin to think if things don't mend
+soon, I shall have a better record of business done to show at end of
+Session than the Ministry. Bankruptcy Bill will make three Measures to
+me this Session."
+
+[Illustration: "THE SHADOWLESS MAN."
+
+(_Latest Irish Edition of the Old German Romance_.)
+
+[In the course of the Debate last Monday week, Mr. DILLON said, "I was
+never shadowed."]]
+
+Irish Constabulary Vote on; Prince ARTHUR lounging on Treasury Bench;
+prepares to receive Irishry; engagement opens a little flat, with
+speech from JOHN ELLIS, oration from O'PICTON, and feeble flagellation
+from FLYNN. Then Prince ARTHUR suddenly, unexpectedly, dashes in.
+Empty benches fill up; stagnant pool stirred to profoundest depths:
+ARTHUR professes to be tolerant of Irish Members, but declares himself
+abhorrent of connivance of Right Hon. Gentleman above Gangway. Talks
+at Mr. G., who begins visibly to bristle before our very eyes as
+he sits attentive on Front Bench. ARTHUR in fine fighting trim;
+Ministerial bark may be labouring in troubled waters; a suddenly
+gathered storm, coming from all quarters, has surrounded, and
+threatens to whelm it; MATTHEWS may be sinking under adversity; the
+Postmen may pull down RAIKES; GOSCHEN is gone; OLD MORALITY'S cheerful
+nature is being soured; there is talk of Dissolution, and death. But
+if this is Prince ARTHUR'S last time of defending his rule in Ireland,
+it shall not be done in half-hearted way. Come storm, come wrack, at
+least he'll die with harness on his back.
+
+The accused becomes the accuser. Called upon to defend himself, he
+turns, and makes a slashing attack on his pursuers, carrying the
+war into their camp. Scorning the Captains and Men-at-arms, he goes
+straight for Mr. G., and in an instant swords clash across the table,
+and shields are dinted. Nothing more delightful than to hear Mr. G.
+complaining, as he rose, and took his coat off, that Prince ARTHUR
+had "dragged him into the controversy." On the whole, he bore the
+infliction pretty well, and went for ARTHUR neck and crop. _Business
+done_.--Irish Votes in Supply.
+
+
+_Tuesday_.--"I have seen nothing; I have heard nothing." Pathetic
+refrain of OLD MORALITY murmured again to-night: Members wanted to
+know about various things; but in OLD MORALITY'S mind, fate of the
+Tithes Bill, intentions of Government touching proposed new Standing
+Order, and allocation of money originally intended for Publicans, all
+a blank. "We are still considering," says he.
+
+"A most considerate Government," says WILFRID LAWSON. "Might save time
+and trouble if they had at table an automatic machine; Members wanting
+to know how business is to be arranged, what Bills to be dropped, and
+which gone forward with, could go up to table, drop a penny in the
+slot, and out would come the answer--'I have seen nothing; I have
+heard nothing.'"
+
+Seems that HANBURY has exceptional means of obtaining information.
+OLD MORALITY has privately shown him Military Report with respect to
+Heligoland. A confidential communication, something of the kind the
+MARKISS carried on with the population of Heligoland. But HANBURY
+straightway goes and tells all about it in a letter to one of his
+Constituents; letter gets into papers. SUMMERS reads it out to House.
+Eagerly thirsting after knowledge on military matters, SUMMERS wants
+also to see the text of Report. Why should HANBURY have it all to
+himself? Quartermaster-General SUMMERS would like opportunity of
+studying it, and forming opinion as to accuracy of the naval and
+military men who have drawn up plan. Will OLD MORALITY favour him
+by placing him on an equality of confidence with HANBURY? No, OLD
+MORALITY will not. Howl of indignant despair from Radicals. Never
+heard of this Report before; but that HANBURY should see it, and
+thereby be enabled to assure his constituents, even by nods and winks,
+that it was all right about Heligoland, was more than they could put
+up with. O'PICTON sat morose at the corner seat below the Gangway.
+Who was HANBURY, that he should have the advantage of studying these
+military documents when the grand-nephew of PICTON of Waterloo was
+left out in the cold, his martial instincts unsatisfied, his knowledge
+of strategical points of the British Empire unsatiated?
+
+Another instance this of the misfortune that pursues the Government.
+Little did OLD MORALITY think, when in moment of weakness he showed
+this important document to HANBURY, what a hornet's nest it would
+bring about his unoffending head.
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Constabulary Vote passed.
+
+
+_Thursday_.--At last OLD MORALITY has heard something and seen
+something. Heard how things went on to-day in Committee on Procedure.
+Worse and worse. Prince ARTHUR made curious blunder for one so alert:
+introduced into draft Report admission of principle that Lords might,
+an they pleased, refuse to consider in current Session, any Bill
+coming up to them from Commons. HARCOURT saw his opportunity; used
+it with irresistible skill and force. Committee adjourned in almost
+comatose state.
+
+This is what OLD MORALITY has heard from JOKIM, who begins to think
+that, after all, life is a serious thing. What he sees is, that it
+is impossible to further delay decision about business. Accordingly
+announces complete surrender. All, all are gone, the old familiar
+faces--Land Purchase Bill, Tithe Bill, and even this later project
+of the new Standing Order. "What, all our pretty chicks?" cry the
+agonised Ministerialists.
+
+"Yes," said OLD MORALITY, mingling his tears with theirs, "our duty to
+our QUEEN and Country demands this sacrifice. But," he added, bracing
+up, significantly eyeing Mr. G., and speaking in dear solemn tones,
+"we reserve to ourselves absolute freedom of action on a future
+occasion." Opposition shouted with laughter, whilst OLD MORALITY stood
+and stared, and wondered what was amusing them now. New Session is,
+according to present intentions, to open in November. Will the Land
+Purchase Bill be taken first? Mr. G. wants to know.
+
+"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, "I have indicated the views of the
+Government as to the Land Purchase Bill, according as those views
+are held at the present time." (Cheers from the Ministerialists.)
+Encouraged by this applause, and, happy thought striking him, went on:
+"But it is impossible for the Government to say what circumstances may
+occur to qualify those views."
+
+Once more Opposition break into storm of laughter; OLD MORALITY again
+regards them with dubious questioning gaze.
+
+"Curious thing, TOBY," he said to me afterwards, "those fellows
+opposite always laugh when I drop in my most diplomatic sentences.
+It's very well for MACHIAVELLI that he didn't live in these times,
+and lead House of Commons instead of the Government of the Florentine
+Republic. He would never have opened his mouth without those Radicals
+and Irishmen going off into a fit of laughter."
+
+_Business done_.--Announcement that business _won't_ be done.
+
+
+_Friday_.--Still harping on Irish Votes. Want to dock Prince ARTHUR'S
+salary. SWIFT MACNEILL brought down model of battering-ram used at
+Falcarragh; holds it up; shows it in working order; Committee much
+interested; inclined to encourage this sort of thing; pleasant
+interlude in monotony of denunciation of Prince ARTHUR and all his
+works; no knowing what developments may not be in store; the other
+night had magic-lantern performance just off Terrace; that all very
+well on fine night; but when it's raining must keep indoors and
+battering-ram suitable for indoor exhibition.
+
+HAVELOCK wanted to borrow it, says he would like to show SCHWANN how
+it works; but MACNEILL couldn't spare it till Irish Votes through.
+
+New turn given to Debate by plaintive declaration from JOHN DILLON
+that he has "never been shadowed." "A difficult lot to deal with,"
+says ARTHUR, gazing curiously at the Shadowless Man. "If they are
+shadowed, they protest; if they're not, they repine."
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Votes in Committee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+
+AT THE ACADEMY SOIRÉE.
+
+"_How well your Picture bears the artificial light!_" i.e., "Couldn't
+look worse than it does by daylight."
+
+"_Mustn't keep you on the stairs. Such heaps of your friends asking
+for you upstairs_;" i.e., "Got rid of him, thank goodness!"
+
+"_Here you are at last! Been dodging you from room to room!_" i.e.,
+"To keep out of your way. Caught at last, worse luck!"
+
+"_You look as if you had just stepped out of a picture-frame!_" i.e.,
+"Wish you'd step back into one!"
+
+"_Not seen Mr. O'Kew's picture? You_ must _see it. Only three rooms
+from here, and no crowd there now. So go and bring me back word what
+you think_;" i.e., "Now to flee!"
+
+
+AT LORD'S.
+
+"_Yes, I'm so fond of Cricket_;" i.e., "How can I find out if Oxford
+or Cambridge is in?"
+
+"_Don't move, pray_;" i.e., "If she doesn't, I shall be smothered in
+lobster-salad!"
+
+"_Not the least in my way, thanks_;" i.e., "Does she think I can see
+through her parasol?"
+
+"_Pray join us at lunch! Heaps of room in the carriage_;" i.e., "Hope
+she doesn't! It only holds four, and we're six already."
+
+"_Don't they call a hit to the left like that, a Drive?_" i.e.,
+"Young-rich--good-looking--worth catching--looks as if he liked 'sweet
+simplicity.'"
+
+
+ELECTIONEERING.
+
+"_Has at heart the best interests of the Borough_;" i.e., Means to
+subscribe largely to all local clubs and charities.
+
+"_The honour of representing you in Parliament_;" i.e., "The pleasure
+of advertising myself."
+
+"_I should wish to keep my mind open on that subject_;" i.e., "I
+cannot afford to commit myself just yet."
+
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.
+
+"_I have never heard such an astounding argument_;" i.e., "Since I
+last employed it myself."
+
+"_To come to the real question at issue_;" i.e., "To introduce my one
+strong point."
+
+"_I do not pledge myself to these figures_;" i.e., "The next speaker
+will very likely show them to be absolutely unreliable."
+
+
+IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.
+
+"_Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you_;" i.e., "I wasn't
+listening."
+
+"_I rather understood that you were arguing, &c., &c._;" i.e., "You
+are now flatly contradicting yourself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISCIPLINE!
+
+(A FARCICAL TRAGEDY, IN TWO SCENES--NOT LICENSED FOR
+REPRESENTATION.)
+
+
+SCENE I.--THE BARRACK SQUARE. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY, AWAITING
+INSPECTION.
+
+_Captain_ (_to Subaltern_). Have you proved them?
+
+_Subaltern_. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know their places, and
+it is useless labour.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--I daresay they are right. You know we have been
+told to be conciliatory. Open order! March! For inspection--port arms!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Sergeant_ (_stepping forward, and saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir,
+but the men are under the impression that you wish to examine their
+rifles?
+
+_Capt._ Certainly. (_To Subaltern_). Take the rear rank, while I look
+after the front.
+
+_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven't taken open order yet.
+They say that they are responsible for their rifles when they have to
+use them before the enemy, and you may rely upon it that they will be
+all right then.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--then we will dispense with inspection of arms.
+Buttons bright, and straps in their proper places?
+
+_Serg._ (_doubtfully_). So they say, Sir.
+
+_Capt._ Well, then, read the orders.
+
+_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know their duty, and
+don't want to listen to no orders.
+
+_Capt._ Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so patriotic. Hope
+that the Commanding Officer will dispense (under the circumstances)
+with the formality. Anything more?
+
+_Serg._ Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told off for duty on
+guard, Sir.
+
+_Capt._ March them off, then.
+
+_Serg._ Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to you.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--bring them up. (Sergeant _obeys_.) Now, men, what
+is it?
+
+_Private Brown_. Please, Sir, I have got a tooth-ache.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--fall out, and go to the doctor.
+
+_Private B._ Please, Sir, I don't want to see no doctor. I can cure
+myself.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--cure yourself. (Private _salutes, and retires._)
+And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what do you want?
+
+_Private Jones_. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told off for
+guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to expect us to do
+sentry-go so soon.
+
+_Capt._ Well, you know your orders.
+
+_Private J._ Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll explain to the War
+Office if there's any row about it!
+
+    [The Privates salute, and retire.
+
+_Capt._ Anything else, Sergeant?
+
+_Sergt._ Well, no, Sir--you see the men won't do anything.
+
+_Capt._ Under those circumstances, I suppose I have only to give the
+usual words of command. Company, attention! Right turn--dismiss!
+
+    [They dismiss.
+
+
+SCENE II.--BEFORE THE ENEMY. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY AWAITING ORDERS
+TO ADVANCE.
+
+_Captain_.--Now, my men, all you have to do is to keep your heads, and
+obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!
+
+_Subaltern_. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded without bayonets.
+
+_Capt._ Well, that's to be regretted; although they are small enough
+nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a thousand yards!
+Ready!
+
+_Sub._ Very sorry. Sir, but the men forgot to bring their ammunition.
+
+_Capt._--Come, this is getting serious! Here's the Cavalry preparing
+to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em off! Right turn!
+
+_Sergeant_. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and don't know
+their right hands from their left.
+
+_Capt._ (_losing his temper_). Confound it! They don't, don't
+they! Well, hang it all, I suppose they will understand this? (_To
+Company._) Here, you pampered useless idiots--bolt!
+
+    [They bolt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CUTTING (transplanted from the advertisements in the _Belfast
+News-Letter_):--
+
+    WANTED, A PARROT: one brought up in a respectable family, and
+    that has not been taught naughty words or bigoted expressions,
+    preferred.--Apply by letter, stating price, &c.
+
+"Preferred!" What sort of a Parrot had they been previously accustomed
+to at that house?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+99, JULY 19, 1890***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11919-8.txt or 11919-8.zip *******
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 19, 1890, by Various</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July
+19, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 19, 1890</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: April 6, 2004  [eBook #11919]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 99, JULY 19, 1890***</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br />
+           and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 99.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>July 19, 1890.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25"
+       id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span>
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/25.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/25.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>PARALLEL.</h3>Joe, the Fat Boy in Pickwick, startles
+        the Old Lady; Oscar, the Fad Boy in Lippincott's, startles
+        Mrs. Grundy.<br />
+        <i>Oscar, the Fad Boy</i>. "I want to make your flesh
+        creep!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The Baron has read OSCAR WILDE'S Wildest and Oscarest work,
+    called <i>Dorian Gray</i>, a weird sensational romance,
+    complete in one number of <i>Lippincott's Magazine</i>. The
+    Baron, recommends anybody who revels in <i>diablerie</i>, to
+    begin it about half-past ten, and to finish it at one sitting
+    up; but those who do not so revel he advises either not to read
+    it at all, or to choose the daytime, and take it in
+    homoeopathic doses. The portrait represents the soul of the
+    beautiful Ganymede-like <i>Dorian Gray</i>, whose youth and
+    beauty last to the end, while his soul, like JOHN BROWN'S,
+    "goes marching on" into the Wilderness of Sin. It becomes at
+    last a devilled soul. And then <i>Dorian</i> sticks a knife
+    into it, as any ordinary mortal might do, and a fork also, and
+    next morning</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Lifeless but 'hideous' he lay,"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>while the portrait has recovered the perfect beauty which it
+    possessed when it first left the artist's easel. If OSCAR
+    intended an allegory, the finish is dreadfully wrong. Does he
+    mean that, by sacrificing his earthly life, <i>Dorian Gray</i>
+    atones for his infernal sins, and so purifies his soul by
+    suicide? "Heavens! I am no preacher," says the Baron, "and
+    perhaps OSCAR didn't mean anything at all, except to give us a
+    sensation, to show how like BULWER LYTTON'S old-world style he
+    could make his descriptions and his dialogue, and what an easy
+    thing it is to frighten the respectable <i>Mrs. Grundy</i> with
+    a Bogie." The style is decidedly Lyttonerary. His aphorisms are
+    Wilde, yet forced. Mr. OSCAR WILDE says of his story, "it is
+    poisonous if you like, but you cannot deny that it is also
+    perfect, and perfection is what we artists aim at." Perhaps;
+    but "we artists" do not always hit what we aim at, and, despite
+    his confident claim to unerring artistic marksmanship, one must
+    hazard the opinion, that in this case Mr. WILDE has "shot
+    wide." There is indeed more of "poison" than of "perfection" in
+    <i>Dorian Gray</i>. The central idea is an excellent, if not
+    exactly novel, one; and a finer art, say that of NATHANIEL
+    HAWTHORNE, would have made a striking and satisfying story of
+    it. <i>Dorian Gray</i> is striking enough, in a sense, but it
+    is not "satisfying" artistically, any more than it is so
+    ethically. Mr. WILDE has preferred the sensuous and
+    hyperdecorative manner of "Mademoiselle DE MAUPIN," and without
+    GAUTIER'S power, has spoilt a promising conception by clumsy
+    unideal treatment. His "decoration" (upon which he plumes
+    himself) is indeed "laid on with a trowel." The luxuriously
+    elaborate details of his "artistic hedonism" are too suggestive
+    of South Kensington Museum and &aelig;sthetic
+    Encyclop&aelig;dias. A truer art would have avoided both the
+    glittering conceits, which bedeck the body of the story, and
+    the unsavoury suggestiveness which lurks in its spirit.
+    Poisonous! Yes. But the loathly "leperous distilment" taints
+    and spoils, without in any way subserving "perfection,"
+    artistic or otherwise. If <i>Mrs. Grundy</i> doesn't read it,
+    the younger <i>Grundies</i> do; that is, the <i>Grundies</i>
+    who belong to Clubs, and who care to shine in certain sets
+    wherein this story will be much discussed. "I have read it,
+    and, except for the ingenious idea, I wish to forget it," says
+    the Baron.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Baron has seen the new, lively, and eccentric newspaper,
+    entitled <i>The Whirlwind</i>. It has reached the third number.
+    "I am informed," says the Baron, "that, on payment of five
+    guineas down, I can become a life-subscriber to the
+    <i>Whirlwind</i>. But what does life-subscriber mean? Do I
+    subscribe for the term of my life, or for the term of the
+    <i>Whirlwind's</i> life? Suppose the <i>Whirlwind</i> has to be
+    wound up, or whirl-winded up, and suppose I am still going on,
+    can I intervene to stop the proceedings, and insist on my
+    contract to be supplied with a <i>Whirlwind</i> per week for
+    the remainder of my natural or unnatural life being carried
+    out? If the contract is for our lives, then, as a
+    life-subscriber, I should insist on the <i>Whirlwind</i>
+    remaining co-existent with me, so that, up to my latest breath,
+    I might have a <i>Whirlwind</i>. But if the life-subscription
+    of five guineas is only for the term of the <i>Whirlwind's</i>
+    life, then, I fancy the proprietors, editor, and staff, that
+    the Hon. STUART ERSKINE and Mr. HERBERT VIVIAN, who are, I
+    believe, the Proprietors, Editor, and Staff of the
+    <i>Whirlwind</i>, will have by far the better of the bargain. I
+    resist the temptation, and keep my five pounds five shillings
+    in my pocket, and am</p>
+
+    <p>"Yours truly, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR NEW ADVERTISEMENT COLUMN.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[All applications in answer to be addressed to the
+        office of this journal, accompanied by handsome P.O.O, and
+        lots of shilling stamps, which will in every case be
+        retained, without acknowledgment, as a guarantee of good
+        faith.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>URGENT CASE.&mdash;WANTED, by a little Boy, aged 10, of
+    thoroughly disagreeable temper, selfish, greedy, ill-mannered,
+    and thoroughly spoilt at home, a good sound Whipping, weekly,
+    if possible. Great care will be necessary on the part of
+    applicant in fulfilling requirements, parents of youth in
+    question, being firmly convinced that he is a noble little
+    fellow, with a fine manly spirit, just what his dear Papa was
+    at his age (as is very probably the case) and only requiring
+    peculiarly gentle and considerate treatment.&mdash;Apply (in
+    first instance, by letter) to Godfather, care of <i>Mr.
+    Punch</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS,&mdash;affectionate but
+    practical-minded, and anxious to find economical homes
+    (somewhere else) for young gentlemen who cannot get on without
+    expensive assistance at starting in Mother country, owing to
+    excessive competition in laborious and over-crowded
+    professions. A firm of enterprising Agents offer bracing and
+    profitable occupation (coupled with the use <i>gratis</i>, of
+    two broken spades, an old manure-cart, and an axe without a
+    handle) in a peculiarly romantic and unhealthy district in the
+    backwoods of West-Torrida. Photograph, if desired, of Agent's
+    residence (distant several hundred miles away.) Excellent
+    opening for young men fresh from first-class public school or
+    college-life: who should, of course, be prepared to "rough it"
+    a little before making competence or large fortune, by
+    delightful pursuit of agriculture. No restrictive civilisation.
+    No drains. Excellent supply of water and heavy floods as a
+    rule, during three months of year, bringing on Spring crops
+    without expense of irrigation. Very low death-rate, most of
+    population having recently cleared out. Small village and
+    (horse)-doctor within twenty-five miles' ride. Wild and
+    beautiful country. Every incentive to work. Rare poisonous
+    reptiles, and tarantula spiders, most interesting to young
+    observant naturalist. Capital prospect&mdash;great saving
+    offered to careful parents anxious to set up brougham, or
+    increase private expenses. Five boys (reduction on taking a
+    quantity) disposed of for about &pound;250 and outfit, with
+    probably, no further trouble.&mdash;Address, Messrs. SHARKEY
+    AND CRIMPIN, Colonial and Emigration Agents. &amp;c.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>CONCERTS! CONCERTS!&mdash;Amateur Comic Vocalist and
+    impromptu "Vamper" (gentleman born) of several years'
+    experience in best London Society, is anxious to meet with bold
+    and speculative Manager who will offer him a first engagement.
+    Can sing&mdash;omitting a few high notes&mdash;various popular
+    melodies, comprising, "<i>Aunt Sarah's Back-hair," "The
+    Twopenny Toff of 'Ighgate 'Ill</i>," and "<i>Tommy Robinson's
+    Last Cigar</i>," and also play piano if required, with one
+    finger, but prefers to be accompanied by indefatigable friend,
+    who plays entirely by ear, and if allowed to smoke freely, can
+    "pick up" any tune in a quarter of an hour. Seldom breaks down
+    or forgets words, except before large or unsympathetic
+    audience. Fetching comic "biz," and superlative Music-hall
+    "chic." Would have no objection to black face and appear at
+    evening parties, or in fashionable streets, with banjo (if
+    provided with small police escort.) Testimonials from several
+    highly respectable relatives, now in asylum, or under treatment
+    at seaside.&mdash;Address, with terms, the Hon. ALGERNON
+    BRASSLEIGH CHEEKINGTON (or at Chimpanzee Chambers in
+    Piccadilly, W.)</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SUGGESTION FOR REFORM IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS'
+    SYSTEM.&mdash;"<i>Absence</i>" should be called immediately
+    after dinner, and then each boy, instead of saying, "Here,
+    Sir!" could reply, classically and correctly, "<i>Adsum!</i>"
+    Yours truly, AN OVER-ETON BOY.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26"
+       id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/26.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/26.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>LAT. 60&deg; 8' N. LONG. 4&deg; 30' E.</h3><i>Mr. Punch
+        en route for the Midnight Sun. First glimpse of Norway.</i>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"THE CUP THAT CHE-(HIC)-ERS!"</h2>
+
+    <p>The Total Abstainer staggered to his feet. The room seemed
+    to be waltzing round him, and his legs acted independently of
+    each other. One of those legs tried to walk to the right,
+    whilst the other moved to the left! He looked in the mirror and
+    saw a double reflection! He had two noses, a couple of mouths,
+    four eyes, and countless whiskers. This made him merry, and he
+    laughed in very glee. But only for a while! Soon he became
+    utterly depressed. Then his head ached&mdash;horribly! He tried
+    to sleep&mdash;he could not! "Never too late&mdash;to MENDAL!"
+    he gasped out, uttering in his extreme agitation the name of a
+    Physician of Berlin who had made inebriety a special study.</p>
+
+    <p>Then his muscles became weak and trembling, his aversion to
+    labour increased, and he had scarcely the energy or power to
+    observe that his complexion (in patches) was ruddier than the
+    cherry.</p>
+
+    <p>"Alas!" he sighed, and he succumbed permanently to
+    persistent dyspepsia!</p>
+
+    <p>And what was the cause of this unfortunate, this terrible
+    condition? Sad to say, the question was easily answered. The
+    Total Abstainer had taken a drop too much&mdash;of Coffee!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CATCHING;</h2>
+
+    <h3>OR, HOW FAR WILL IT GO?</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Being a Forecast of the spread of the Strike Fever,
+    from a Next Week's Diary.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;All the Police, having now been
+    replaced by Amateur Special Constables, who are as yet
+    unfamiliar with their duties, the position of the Metropolitan
+    Magistrates becomes impossible, and they resign in a body at
+    five minutes' notice, causing the greatest consternation in
+    signalling their resignation by sending every case on the
+    charge-sheet that morning for trial to a superior Court.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;The Judges, overwhelmed by the
+    prospect of an unusual and quite impossible amount of extra
+    work, demand the increase of their salaries to &pound;10,000
+    per annum. On this being categorically refused by the Treasury,
+    they then and there, on their respective Benches, severally
+    tear off their wigs and robes, and quit their Courts "for
+    good," with threatening gestures.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;The LORD CHANCELLOR, on being informed
+    of the conduct of the Judges, rips open the Woolsack,
+    scattering its contents over the floor of the House of Lords,
+    and, denouncing the Government, throws up his post on the spot.
+    The legal business of the country, coming thus to a deadlock,
+    is involved in further chaos by a sudden strike of all the
+    Members of both the Senior and Junior Bars, which is further
+    complicated by another of every Solicitor in the three
+    kingdoms.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Saturday</i>.&mdash;Gatling guns being posted in the
+    Entrance Hall, and Bow Street having been cleared by a
+    preliminary discharge of artillery, the programme of the Royal
+    Italian Opera for the evening is carried out, as advertised, at
+    Covent Garden. Ladies wearing their diamonds, are conveyed to
+    the theatre in Police Vans, surrounded by detachments of the
+    Household Cavalry, and gentlemen's evening dress is
+    supplemented by a six-chambered revolver, an iron-cased
+    umbrella, a head protector, and a double-edged
+    cut-and-thrusting broad-sword.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sunday</i>.&mdash;The Church having caught the prevailing
+    fever, the entire body of the Clergy, headed by the Bishops,
+    come out on strike, with the result that no morning, afternoon,
+    or evening services are held anywhere. The Medical Profession
+    takes up the idea, and, discovering a grievance, the Royal
+    College of Surgeons issues a manifesto. All the hospitals turn
+    out their patients, and medical men universally drop all their
+    cases. An M.D. who is known, upon urgent pressure, to have made
+    an official visit, is chased up and down Harley Street by a mob
+    of his infuriated brother practitioners, and is finally nearly
+    lynched on a lamp-post in Cavendish Square. The day closes in
+    with a serious riot in Hyde Park, caused by the meeting of the
+    conflicting elements of Society, who have all marched there
+    with their bands and banners to air their respective
+    grievances.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Monday</i>.&mdash;The London County Council, School
+    Board, Common Council, Court of Aldermen, and the Royal
+    Academicians after discovering, respectively, some trifling
+    sources of dissatisfaction, wreck their several establishments,
+    and finally march along the Thames Embankment towards
+    Westminster, singing, alternately, the "<i>Marseillaise</i>"
+    and "<i>Ask a Pleece-man.</i>"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;The House of Commons, after tossing
+    the SPEAKER in his own gown, declare the Constitution extinct,
+    and, abolishing the House of Lords and giving all the Foreign
+    Ambassadors twelve hours notice to quit the country, announce
+    their own dissolution, and immediately commence their Autumn
+    Holiday.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page27"
+       id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;Railway Directors, Sweeps, Chairmen
+    of Public Companies, Coal-Heavers, Provincial Mayors, Dentists,
+    Travelling Circus Proprietors, Fish Contractors, Beadles,
+    Cabinet Ministers, Street Scavengers, Dog Fanciers,
+    Archbishops, Gas Fitters, Hereditary Legislators, Prize
+    Fighters, Poor-Law Guardians, Lion Tamers, Green-Grocers, and
+    many other discontented members of the community, having all
+    joined in a universal strike, society, becomes totally
+    disorganised, and the entire country quietly but, effectually
+    collapses, and disappears from the European system.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SHAKSPEARE ONCE AGAIN, ADAPTED TO THE SITUATION.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(See <i>Titus Andronicus</i>, Act II., Sc. 1.)</h4>
+
+    <h4><i>Aaron (the Agitator) loquitur</i>.&mdash;</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For shame, be friends, and join for that you
+            jar:</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis Union and Strikes, my lads, must do</p>
+
+            <p>That you affect; and so must you resolve</p>
+
+            <p>That what you cannot severally achieve,</p>
+
+            <p>United you may manage as you will.</p>
+
+            <p>A speedier course than lingering languishment</p>
+
+            <p>Must we pursue, and I have found the path.</p>
+
+            <p>My lads, a biggish business is in hand;</p>
+
+            <p>Together let brave British Bobbies troop:</p>
+
+            <p>The City streets are numerous and wealthy,</p>
+
+            <p>And many unfrequented nooks there be,</p>
+
+            <p>Fitted by kind for violence and theft;</p>
+
+            <p>But take you thence, and many a watchful ruffian</p>
+
+            <p>Will soon strike home, by force and not by
+            words:</p>
+
+            <p>This way, or not at all, stand you in hope.</p>
+
+            <p>Come, come, our comrades, with more sluggish
+            wit,</p>
+
+            <p>To vigilance and duty consecrate,</p>
+
+            <p>Will we acquaint with all that we intend,</p>
+
+            <p>And we will so commit them to our cause</p>
+
+            <p>That they cannot stand off or "square"
+            themselves;</p>
+
+            <p>But to your wishes' height you'll all advance.</p>
+
+            <p>The City's courts have houses of ill-fame,</p>
+
+            <p>Town's palaces are full of wanton wealth,</p>
+
+            <p>The slums are ruthless, ravenous ripe for crime.</p>
+
+            <p><i>Then speak, and strike, brave boys, and take your
+            turn</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:55%;">
+        <a href="images/27.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/27.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Fair Authoress</i>. "SO SORRY TO BE SO LATE. I'M
+        AFRAID I'M <i>LAST</i>!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Genial Host</i>. "'<i>LAST</i>&mdash;BUT NOT
+        <i>LEAST</i>!'"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SONG SENTIMENTIANA.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A delightful "All-the-Year-Sound" Resort for the
+    Fashionable Composer.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>EXAMPLE V.&mdash;Of the transformative powers of Love,
+    under condition of Proximity.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When thou art near, the hemisphere</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Commissioned to surround me,</p>
+
+            <p>(As well as you,) is subject to</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Some changes that astound me.</p>
+
+            <p>Where'er I look I seem mistook;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All objects&mdash;what, I care
+            not&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>At once arrange to make a change</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To something that they were not!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When thou art near, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Strange things occur&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Thickness is clear, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Clearness a blur.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Penguins are weasels,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Cheap things are dear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">"Jumps" are but measles</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When thou art near!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When thou art close, the doctor's dose</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is quite a decent tonic.</p>
+
+            <p>Thy presence, too, makes all things new,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And five-act plays laconic.</p>
+
+            <p>And, with thee by, the earth's the sky,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And <i>your</i> "day out" is <i>my</i>
+            day,</p>
+
+            <p>While tailors' bills are daffodils,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Saturday is Friday!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When thou art here, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Just where you are,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Far things are near, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Near things are far.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Beef-tea is wine, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Champagne is beer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Wet days are fine, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When thou art near.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Without you stand quite close at hand,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A broker <i>is</i> a broker;</p>
+
+            <p>But stick by me, and then he'll be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A very pleasant joker!</p>
+
+            <p>Without thee by, a lie's a lie&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The truth is nought but truthful.</p>
+
+            <p>But by me stay, and night is day&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And even <i>you</i> are youthful</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When thou art near, love,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Not, love, unless,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Thick soup is clear, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Football is chess.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">IRVINGS are TOOLES, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Tadpoles are deer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Wise men are fools, love,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When thou art near!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>When KENNEDY fell out of his boat at Henley, his antagonist,
+    PSOTTA, magnanimously waited for him to get in again. He must
+    be a good Psotta chap.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>LOST OPPORTUNITIES.&mdash;Last Tuesday week the members of
+    the Incorporated Cain-and-Abel-Authors' Society lost a great
+    treat when Mr. GEORGE AUGUSTUS lost a indignantly refused to
+    take his seat "below the salt," and walked out without making
+    the speech with which his name was associated on the
+    toast-list. But, on the other hand, what a big chance Orator
+    GEORGE AUGUSTUS lost of coming out strong in opposition, and
+    astonishing the Pen-and-Inkorporated ones with a few stirring
+    remarks, in his most genial vein, on the brotherhood of
+    Authors, and their appreciation of distinguished services in
+    the field of Literature. It was an opportunity, too, for
+    suggesting "Re-distribution of Seats."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO MRS. H.M. STANLEY.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The merry bells do naught but ring,</p>
+
+            <p>The streets are gay with flag and pennant,</p>
+
+            <p>The birds more sweetly seem to sing&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A Heart to Let has found a TENNANT!</p>
+
+            <p>No more will HENRY MORTON roam,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor from your charms away for long
+            go,</p>
+
+            <p>But, honeymooning here at home,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Forget he ever saw the Congo!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To Oxford 'twas your husband went&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The stately home of Don and
+            Proctor&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Where, 'mid the deafening cheers that rent</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The air, he straight became a Doctor.</p>
+
+            <p>As one whose valour none can shake,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We've sung him in a thousand ditties,</p>
+
+            <p>And freedoms too we've made him take</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of goodness knows how many cities!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yet while to honour and to praise</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With one another we've been vying,</p>
+
+            <p>Has he not told us for the days</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of rest to come he ne'er ceased
+            sighing?</p>
+
+            <p>And when, with pomp of high degree,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your marriage vows and troth you
+            plighted,</p>
+
+            <p>Why, everyone was glad to see</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Art and Adventure thus united!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"To those about to Marry.&mdash;Don't!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So <i>Mr. Punch</i> did once advise
+            us.</p>
+
+            <p>Spread the advice? I'm sure you won't.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A course which hardly need surprise
+            us.</p>
+
+            <p>O lovely wife of one we think</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Above all others brave and manly,</p>
+
+            <p>We clink our glasses as we drink</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Long life and health to Mrs. STANLEY!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28"
+       id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE ANGLO-GERMAN CONCERTINA.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"I confess I was not at all prepared for the feelings
+        that some South Africans appear to entertain with respect
+        to our conduct in the recent negotiations"&mdash;<i>Lord
+        Salisbury to the Deputation of African Merchants respecting
+        the proposed Anglo-German Agreement.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:55%;">
+        <a href="images/28.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/28.png"
+             alt="" /></a><i>Imperial Instrumentalist</i>
+             (<i>loquitur</i>). "WHAT, NOT LIKE THE TONE OF IT?
+             WELL, YOU <i>DO</i> SURPRISE ME!!!"
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I fancied that this Instrument</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would make a great sensation</p>
+
+            <p>And that its music would content</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The critics and the nation,</p>
+
+            <p>I know it is what vulgar folks</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Christen the "Constant-screamer;"</p>
+
+            <p>I thought <i>you</i>'d scorn such feeble jokes;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It seems I was a dreamer.</p>
+
+            <p>You writhe your lips, you close your ears!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dear me! Such conduct tries me.</p>
+
+            <p>You do not like it, it appears</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, well,&mdash;you <i>do</i> surprise
+            me!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis not, I know, the Jingo drum,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor the "Imperial" trumpet.</p>
+
+            <p>(The country to their call won't come,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">However much you stump it.)</p>
+
+            <p>They're out of fashion; 'tis not now</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As in the days of "BEAKEY."</p>
+
+            <p>People dislike the Drum's tow-row.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And call the Trumpet squeaky.</p>
+
+            <p>So I the Concertina try,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As valued friends advise me.</p>
+
+            <p>What's that you say? It's all my eye?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, well,&mdash;you <i>do</i> surprise
+            me!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I fancied you would like it much,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You and the other fellows.</p>
+
+            <p>Admire the tone, remark my touch!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And what capacious bellows!</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis not as loud as a trombone,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But harmony's not rumpus;</p>
+
+            <p>The chords are charming, and you'll own</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It has a pretty compass.</p>
+
+            <p>I swing like this, I sway like that!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fate a fine theme supplies me!</p>
+
+            <p>The "treatment" you think feeble, flat?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, well&mdash;you <i>do</i> surprise
+            me!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The "European Concert"? Grand!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(You recollect that term, man!)</p>
+
+            <p><i>This</i> is a Concertina, and</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's make is Anglo-German,</p>
+
+            <p>You can't <i>expect</i> the thing to be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">English alone, completely;</p>
+
+            <p>But really, as 'tis played by me.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Does it not sound most sweetly?</p>
+
+            <p>Humph! DONALD CURRIE cocks his nose,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">BECKETT disdainfully eyes me,</p>
+
+            <p>My Concertina you would&mdash;<i>close!</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Well, well&mdash;you <i>do</i> surprise
+            me!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2>
+
+    <p>Scarcely a day passes without bringing us nearer to the end
+    of the year. That is a melancholy reflection, but we are not
+    sure that it exhausts all the possibilities of misery latent in
+    the flight of time. It has been noticed, for instance, that the
+    Duke of X&mdash;&mdash;, whose sporting proclivities are
+    notorious, never fails to celebrate his birthday with a repast
+    at an inferior <i>restaurant</i>, and, as His Grace is
+    powerful, his friends suffer in silence and bewail his
+    increasing ducal age.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Henley Regatta came off as arranged. This is a peculiarity
+    which is very striking in connection with this Royal fixture.
+    We are informed that several certainties were upset, but by
+    whom and why has not been stated. Candidly speaking, such a
+    brutal method as "upsetting" consorts ill with the softer
+    manners of our time. On the Thames, too, it must be
+    extraordinarily disagreeable.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mrs. WEEDLE, the Hon. Mrs. THREADBARE, and Lady FAWN, have
+    joined the lately established Bureau for the Dissemination of
+    Fashionable Friendships. The Personal Advertising Department is
+    now open, and is daily filled with a distinguished crowd of
+    applicants. Arrangements are in process of completion for
+    supplying the deserving rich with cambric handkerchiefs, and
+    imitation diamonds, at nominal prices.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A well-known Actor has lately been deprived of his customary
+    allowance of fat. His loss of weight (in avoirdupois) has been
+    computed at five-sixteenths of the integral cubit of a patent
+    accumulator's vertical boiling power, divided by the fractional
+    resistance of a plate-glass window to a two-horse-power
+    catapult.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The weather has been variable, with cryptoconchoidal
+    deflections of a solid reverberating isobar previously tested
+    in a solution of zinc and soda-water. This indicates cold
+    weather in December next.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Consols 1/50094th better. Wheat in demand. Jute firm. Bank
+    rate too fast to last.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Politician, whose name has been frequently mentioned
+    during the late crisis, has stated it as his opinion that a
+    temperance orator's powers of persuasion are to a moral victory
+    as a Prime Minister is to a willow-pattern dinner-plate. The
+    remark caused much excitement in the lobby, where this
+    gentleman's humorous sallies never lack appreciators.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>What is this I hear of a certain Noble Duke, well-known in
+    sporting circles, having accepted a three months' engagement to
+    appear in a "comic character sketch of his own composition," at
+    a long-established East End-Music Hall? If there is any truth
+    in the rumour, I should like to ask <i>what the Duchess has
+    been about?</i></p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A distinguished Oxford Mathematical Professor has, just
+    after prolonged and patient research, established the undoubted
+    certainty of the following interesting facts beyond any
+    possible question or controversy:&mdash;That the quantity of
+    Almond Rock Hard Bake, consumed in the United Kingdom in the
+    year terminating on the 15th of May last, amounted to 17 lbs. 9
+    oz. for each member of the population, including women and
+    children. That if at all the old and discarded Chimney Pot Hats
+    for a like period were collected in a heap, and packed closely
+    together, they would fill a building twice the height of St.
+    Paul's, and three times the length of the Crystal Palace. That
+    winners of the Derby who have become eventually four-wheeler
+    cab-horses are ninety-six in number, but that there is <i>only
+    one authentic</i> instance of a four-wheeler cab-horse having
+    become a Derby winner.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>So great is the craze for the newest idea in locomotion that
+    it is calculated that including Duchesses no less than 1470
+    <i>grandes dames</i> whose names are well-known in Society, now
+    pass Piccadilly Circus on the outside of the London General
+    Omnibus Company's vehicles, between the hours of 8 A.M. and 10
+    P.M. daily.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A PASSPORT TO THE BEST SOCIETY, AND A GUARANTEE FOR
+    RESPECTABILITY, is to be a diligent student of <i>Mr.
+    Punch's</i> works, and to have earned the abuse of the
+    <i>Pall-Mall Gazette</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29"
+       id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday</i>.&mdash;<i>Les Huguenots</i>. Great night in
+    consequence of police strike in Bow Street. Rioting, and Life
+    Guards called out late, just as they were retiring for the
+    night. Down they came, in regimentals, in undress, anyhow, to
+    quell the disturbance. At least, such is the report inside the
+    house. But inconvenient to be in two places at once. Henceforth
+    they ought to record this incident by having an extinguisher
+    (typical of going to bed and also of quelling the row) slung on
+    to their breast-plates. Extinguisher clinking against armour
+    would make pretty noise. Their Royal Highnesses the Prince and
+    Princess of WALES, having come to enjoy the Opera, remain
+    undisturbed, and leave in perfect tranquillity. Excellent
+    example to perturbed audience. Excitement within the house.
+    DRURIOLANUS, Earl DE GREY, Mr. HIGGINS, and other members of
+    the Organising Operatic Committee, ready to charge the mob at a
+    moment's notice, to charge up to two guineas a stall, if
+    necessary. Not necessary, however. Calls for the Sheriff-elect.
+    DRURIOLANUS, not having the official costume ready, cannot
+    appear in it, but uses his authority and his persuasive powers
+    in clearing lobbies, saloons, and hall. At any moment he is
+    ready to march out with all the Huguenot soldiers and charge
+    the rioters. Peace restored about midnight, Household troops
+    sent home to bed, and constables decided to strike only on the
+    heads of roughs, rowdies, and burglars. This shows how useful
+    it is to have a Sheriff on the premises. At Her Majesty's last
+    winter they had the nearest approach to it, that is, Sheriff's
+    officers on the premises. But this is not precisely the same
+    thing, as Sheriff's officers wear no uniform, and not being
+    permitted to go out of a house when once it is given into their
+    custody, they, however valiant, are of no use in a crowd.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/29-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/29-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;<i>Lohengrin</i>. Regardless of
+    rioters, their Royal Highnesses again here. Much cheered
+    outside on driving away. Yet crowd in Strand (so we hear) not
+    particularly good-tempered, and have wrecked a private brougham
+    or two. No effect on Opera, which goes as well as ever. Rumours
+    that the player of the <i>grosse caisse</i> has struck at
+    rehearsal are confirmed, he appears in his place and strikes
+    again, so does the Shakspearian performer "Cymbaline."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday</i>.&mdash;<i>Don Giovanni</i>. Z&Eacute;LIE DE
+    LUSSAN as <i>Zerlina</i>, very popular. Still a little too like
+    <i>Carmen</i> in appearance. LASSALLE can't be bettered. Great
+    night everywhere. Mlle. MELBA and Mr. EDOUARD DE RESZK&Eacute;
+    taking a little holiday at a concert in Grosvenor Square, where
+    also are Madame PATEY and another EDWARD yclept LLOYD, whom
+    HERR GANZ accompanies with his "<i>Sons of Tubal
+    Cain</i>"&mdash;no political allusion to the recent Barrow
+    Election. Opera comparatively full. Some <i>habitu&eacute;s</i>
+    look in to see how everything's going on, then go on themselves
+    to Reception in Piccadilly, At Homes elsewhere, M.P.Q.'s
+    Smoking Concert, and various other entertainments. Society
+    winding itself up brilliantly. "Rebellion's dead! and now we'll
+    go to supper." And so we do. "Again we come to the Savoy!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;<i>Lucia</i> off-night, but
+    everything and everybody "going on" as usual. H.R.H. again at
+    Opera.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;<i>La Favorita</i>. Breathing time
+    before the great Operatic event of week to-morrow night.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Saturday</i>.&mdash;<i>Esmeralda</i>. Too late at last
+    moment to say anything on this splendid subject, save that the
+    Composer was deservedly greeted with a storm&mdash;of
+    applause!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>PURELY A MATTER OF BISLEYNESS.</h2>
+
+    <p>PRIVATE R. VAN WINKLE opened his eyes, and, taking up his
+    rusty rifle, marched towards the new ranges.</p>
+
+    <p>"Dear me!" said he, gazing with amazement at his
+    surroundings, "this is not at all like what I saw when I went
+    to sleep."</p>
+
+    <p>"No, RIP, it is not," replied <i>Mr. Punch</i>, who happened
+    to be in the neighbourhood. He had been watching his sweetest
+    Princess making a bull's-eye at the opening ceremony.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, it is twice as large as Wimbledon," continued the
+    astounded warrior.</p>
+
+    <p>"You are well within the limit," the Sage assented, "and
+    see, there is plenty of space. No fear of damaging any of the
+    tenants of GEORGE RANGER in <i>this</i> part of the
+    country."</p>
+
+    <p>"No, indeed!" exclaimed Private VAN WINKLE. "Not that I
+    think His Royal Highness had much cause of complaint. The truth
+    is&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Let bygones be bygones," interrupted <i>Mr. Punch</i>.
+    "GEORGE RANGER is no longer your landlord, except, in a certain
+    sense, representing the interests of the Regular Army, and I
+    shall keep <i>my</i> eye upon him in that capacity."</p>
+
+    <p>"An entirely satisfactory arrangement. But where are the
+    fancy tents, and the luncheon parties, and all the etceteras
+    that used to be so pleasant at Wimbledon?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Disappeared," returned <i>Mr. Punch</i>, firmly. "Bisley is
+    to be more like Shoeburyness (where the Artillery set an
+    excellent example to the Infantry) than the Surrey
+    saturnalia."</p>
+
+    <p>"And is it to be <i>all</i> work and no play?"</p>
+
+    <p>"That will be the general idea. Of course, in the evening,
+    when nothing better can be done, there will be harmonic
+    meetings round the camp-fires. But while light lasts, the crack
+    of the rifle and the ping of the bullet will be heard in all
+    directions, <i>vice</i> the pop of champagne corks superseded.
+    And if you don't like the prospect, my dear RIP, you had better
+    go to sleep again."</p>
+
+    <p>But Private VAN WINKLE remained awake&mdash;to his best
+    interests!</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ROBERT ON MATRIMONY.</h2>
+
+    <p>Well, we're jest about going it, at the reel "Grand Hotel,"
+    we are. We had jest about the werry lovliest wedding here,
+    larst week, as I ewer seed, ewen with my great xperiense. Such
+    a collekshun of brave-looking men and reel handsum women as
+    seldom meets together xcept on these most hintresting
+    occashuns. And as good luck wood have it, jest as we was in the
+    werry wirl and xcitement of it all, who should come in to lunch
+    but the same emminent yung Swell as cum about a munth ago. And
+    he had jest the same helegant but simple lunch as before, with
+    a bottle of the same splendid Champane, as before, and he
+    didn't harf finish it, as before, and not a drop of what he
+    left was wasted, as before; and so, when he paid me his little
+    account, he arsked me if many of the werry bewtifool ladies, as
+    I had told him of when he came larst, had been to the "Grand"
+    lately, so the bold thort seized, me, and I says to him, "Yes,
+    your &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;, there's jest a nice few of
+    'em here now, and if you will kindly foller me up to our
+    bewtifool Libery, and will keep your eyes quite wide open as
+    you gos along, you will see jest about a hole room full of
+    'em."</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/29-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/29-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>So I took him parst the grand room in which the Wedding
+    Gests was assembled, and there sure enuff, he seed such a
+    collection of smiling bewty, as ewidently made a great
+    impression on his&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;'s Art, and one
+    speshally lovely Bridesmade gave him a look, as he passed by,
+    as ewidently went rite thro it. I scarcely xpecs to be bleeved
+    wen I says, as his &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;'s cheeks quite
+    blusht with hadmirashun, and he turned round to me and says,
+    says he, "Ah, Mr. ROBERT, if there was many such reel lovely
+    angels as that a flying about, I rayther thinks as I shood be
+    perswaded to turn a Bennedictus myself." I didn't at all know
+    what he meant, but I thort as it was werry credittable to him.
+    We got quite a chatting arterwards in the Libery, of course I
+    don't mean to say as I forgot for a moment the strornary
+    difference atween us, but he had werry ewidently been werry
+    much struck by the lovely Bridesmade, for he says, "Mr.
+    ROBERT," says he, "what's about the rite time for a man to
+    marry?"</p>
+
+    <p>Of course I was reglar staggered, but I pulls myself
+    together, and I says, without not no hesitashun, "Jest a leetle
+    under 30, your &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;, for the Gent, and
+    jest a leetle over 20 for the Lady, and then the Gent gits just
+    about 10 years advantage, which I thinks as he's well entitled
+    to." At which he larfs quite hartily, and he says, "Why that
+    wood keep me single for another ten years&mdash;but I will
+    think it over;" and, strange to say, jest as we passed again by
+    the room as the Bridal party was in, the same lovely Bridesmade
+    happend to be near the door, so they coud both have a good look
+    at each other, and a hansum cupple they was, if ever I seed
+    one. And when his &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; wished me good
+    day, which he did, quite in a frendly way, he added, with his
+    most bewtifool smile, "Ten years, MR. ROBERT, seems a long time
+    to wait for such a sweet angel as that!"</p>
+
+    <p>Ah, it's a rum world as we all lives in, and in nothink much
+    rummer than in the wunderfool power of a bewtifool face, ah,
+    and as sumbody says, for Wheel or for Wo, jest as it appens,
+    more's the pitty.</p>
+
+    <p>I rayther thinks, as I gathers from the tork of the many
+    yung swells as we has dining here, that they are not altogether
+    what I shoud call a marrying race; they seems to think as
+    there's allers plenty of time for that sollem seremony when
+    they're a good deal older.</p>
+
+    <p>Ah, of course it isn't for a poor old Hed Waiter to presume
+    to adwise young and hemenent swells, but my xperiense of uman
+    life teaches me, as the werry werry appiest time of a man's
+    life is from 30 to about 40, perwided as he has been lucky
+    enuff to secure for hisself a yung, bewtifool, good-tempered,
+    helegant, and ercomplished Bride, to, as the Poet says, harve
+    his sorrows, and dubble his joys.</p>
+
+    <p>ROBERT.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30"
+       id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/30.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/30.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE ILLUSTRATOR) HAS TO PUT UP
+        WITH.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Fair Authoress</i>. "AND, FOR THE FRONTISPIECE, I
+        WANT YOU TO DRAW THE HEROINE STANDING PROUDLY ERECT BY THE
+        SEASHORE, GAZING AT THE STILL IMAGE OF HERSELF IN THE
+        TROUBLED WAVES. THE SUN IS SETTING; IN THE EAST THE NEW
+        MOON IS RISING&mdash;A THIN CRESCENT. HER FACE IS THICKLY
+        VEILED; AN UNSHED TEAR IS GLISTENING IN HER BLUE EYE; HER
+        SLENDER, WHITE, JEWELLED HANDS ARE CLENCHED INSIDE HER
+        MUFF. THE CURLEWS ARE CALLING, UNSEEN&mdash;"</p>
+
+        <p><i>F.A.'s Husband</i>. "YES; DON'T FORGET THE
+        CURLEWS&mdash;THEY COME IN CAPITALLY! I CAN LEND YOU A
+        STUFFED ONE, YOU KNOW&mdash;TO DRAW FROM!" &amp;c.,
+        &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE LYING SPIRIT.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Lying Spirit! "Doctrine hard!" some mutter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dictated by unsympathetic scorn;</p>
+
+            <p>A doctrine that on light would draw the shutter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And close the opening gateways of the
+            morn.</p>
+
+            <p>No so; no guiding light would <i>Punch</i>
+            extinguish,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or chill true champion of the toiling
+            crowd;</p>
+
+            <p>But wisdom at its kindliest must distinguish</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Between true guides and tricksters false
+            as loud.</p>
+
+            <p>The blameless King his headlong knights
+            upbraided</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In kindly grief for "following foolish
+            fires,"</p>
+
+            <p>False flames that in mere dun marsh-darkness
+            faded,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Leaving lost votaries to its mists and
+            mires;</p>
+
+            <p>And here's an <i>ignis fatuus</i>, fired by
+            folly,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And moved by violence as fierce as
+            blind;</p>
+
+            <p>The gulf before's a bourne most melancholy,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And what of those fast following
+            behind?</p>
+
+            <p>Well-meaning hearts, maybe, all expectation</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of glittering gains upon a perilous
+            road,</p>
+
+            <p>Stirred by wild whirling words to keen elation,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Pricked on by poverty's imperious
+            goad;</p>
+
+            <p>Hoping,&mdash;as who of hope shall be
+            forbidden?&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Striving,&mdash;as who hath not the right
+            to strive?&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>For flaunted gain through perils shrewdly
+            hidden!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, labourers hard in Industry's huge
+            hive,</p>
+
+            <p>What wonder, if, ill-paid and tired, you hasten</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To follow the loud bauble and the
+            lure,</p>
+
+            <p>Or gird at those who your wild hopes would
+            chasten,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or guide you on a pathway more
+            secure!</p>
+
+            <p>And yet beware! No oriflamme of battle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is that false radiance round yon impish
+            brow.</p>
+
+            <p>The jester's bladder-bauble, with its rattle</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of prisoned peas, is not the
+            tow-row-row</p>
+
+            <p>Of Labour's true <i>reveill&eacute;</i>. Bonnet
+            Phrygian,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cap of sham Liberty, the spectre
+            wears;</p>
+
+            <p>But he will plunge to depths of darkness Stygian</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whom anti-civic Violence ensnares.</p>
+
+            <p>Plain Justice, honest Hope are good to follow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But Insubordination, fierce and
+            blind,</p>
+
+            <p>Mouthing out furious threat or promise hollow.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is the sworn foe of civilised
+            mankind;</p>
+
+            <p>Breaking up ancient bonds of love and duty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All social links that bear abiding
+            test,</p>
+
+            <p>With no sound promise of a better beauty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A fairer justice, or a truer rest.</p>
+
+            <p>No; patient Labour, with its long-borne burden</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And guardian Force, with its thrice-noble
+            trust,</p>
+
+            <p>Claim from the State the fullest, freest
+            guerdon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And all wise souls, all spirits fair and
+            just,</p>
+
+            <p>Must back the Great Appeal that Time advances,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Progress justifies in this our
+            time.</p>
+
+            <p>But civic Violence, in all circumstances</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Now like to hap, is anti-social
+            crime,</p>
+
+            <p>Foul in its birth and fatal in its issue.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Tyrannic act, incendiary speech,</p>
+
+            <p>Recklessly rend the subtly woven tissue</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That binds Society's organs each to
+            each.</p>
+
+            <p>Strong Toiler, deft Auxiliar, stalwart Warder,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your hour has struck, your tyrants face
+            their doom,</p>
+
+            <p>But let hot haste unsettle temperate order,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Hope's bright disc will feel
+            eclipse's gloom.</p>
+
+            <p>This is a lying spirit, sly and sinister,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Its promise false, its loud incitements
+            vain.</p>
+
+            <p>Not to your true advantage shall it minister,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mere Goblin Gold its glittering show of
+            Gain:</p>
+
+            <p>Spectre of Chaos and the Abyss, it flutters</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Before you flaunting high its foolish
+            fire,</p>
+
+            <p>But there's a lie in each loud word it utters,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And its true goal is Anarchy's choking
+            mire!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Time the Avenger!</h3>
+
+    <p>On the 24th of June, 1871, <i>Mr. Punch</i> sang,
+    <i>&agrave;propos</i> of the Germans desiring to purchase
+    Heligoland&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Though to rule the waves, we may believe they
+            aspire,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If their Navy grow great, we must let
+            it;</p>
+
+            <p>But if one British island they think to acquire,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bless their hearts, don't they wish they
+            may get it?"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>And they <i>have</i> got it!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31"
+       id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/31.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/31.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE LYING SPIRIT.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page33"
+       id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span>
+
+    <h2>A GRUMBLE FOR THE GRENADIERS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What is this your <i>Punch</i> hears of you? Can't
+            you dissipate his fears?</p>
+
+            <p>Did the bugle ring out vainly for the British
+            Grenadiers?</p>
+
+            <p>Once the regiment was famous for its deeds of
+            derring-do,</p>
+
+            <p>And you followed where the flag went when on alien
+            winds it flew.</p>
+
+            <p>Has the soldiers' "oath of duty" been forgotten,
+            that you shirk,</p>
+
+            <p>Not the face of foe, we're certain, but this
+            kit-inspecting work?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You have trodden paths of glory (we have seen your
+            banners fly)</p>
+
+            <p>Where the murky smoke of battle gathered thickly
+            o'er the sky;</p>
+
+            <p>Can you thus besmirch the laurels that in other days
+            you won,</p>
+
+            <p>By forgetfulness of duties that by soldiers must be
+            done?</p>
+
+            <p>Egad! my gallant lads, your <i>Punch</i> can scarce
+            believe his ears,</p>
+
+            <p>When he hears this shocking story of the British
+            Grenadiers!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+    <h3>AT A DANCE.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>The Hostess <i>is receiving her Guests at the head of
+        the staircase; a</i> Conscientiously Literal Man
+        <i>presents himself.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Hostess</i> (<i>with a gracious smile, and her eyes
+    directed to the people immediately behind him</i>). <i>So</i>
+    glad you were able to come&mdash;how do you <i>do</i>?</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/33.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/33.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>The Conscientiously Literal Man</i>. Well, if you had
+    asked me that question this afternoon, I should have said was
+    in for a severe attack of malarial fever&mdash;I had all the
+    symptoms&mdash;but, about seven o'clock this evening, they
+    suddenly passed off, and&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Perceives, to his surprise, that his Hostess's
+        attention is wandering, and decides to tell her the rest
+        later in the evening.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Clumpsole</i>. How do you do, Miss THISTLEDOWN? Can
+    you give me a dance?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Thistledown</i> (<i>who has danced with him
+    before</i>&mdash;once). With pleasure&mdash;let me see, the
+    third extra after supper? Don't forget.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Brushleigh</i> (<i>to Major Erser</i>). Afraid I
+    can't give you anything just now&mdash;but if you see me
+    standing about later on, you can come and ask me again, you
+    know.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Boldover</i> (<i>glancing eagerly round the room as
+    he enters, and soliloquizing mentally</i>). She ought to be
+    here by this time, if she's coming&mdash;can't see her
+    though&mdash;she's certainly not dancing. There's her sister
+    over there with the mother. She <i>hasn't</i> come, or she'd be
+    with them. Poor-looking lot of girls here to-night&mdash;don't
+    think much of this music&mdash;get away as soon as I can, no
+    <i>go</i> about the thing!... Hooray! There she is, after all!
+    Jolly waltz this is they're playing! How pretty she's
+    looking&mdash;how pretty <i>all</i> the girls are looking! If I
+    can only get her to give me one dance, and sit out most of it
+    somewhere! I feel as if I could talk to her to-night. By Jove,
+    I'll try it!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Watches his opportunity, and is cautiously making
+        his way towards his divinity, when he is
+        intercepted.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Grappleton</i>. Mr. BOLDOVER, I do believe you were
+    going to <i>cut</i> me! (<i>Mr. B. protests and
+    apologises.</i>) Well, <i>I</i> forgive you. I've been wanting
+    to have another talk with you for ever so long. I've been
+    thinking so <i>much</i> of what you said that evening about
+    BROWNING'S relation to Science and the Supernatural. Suppose
+    you take me downstairs for an ice or something, and we can have
+    it out comfortably together.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Dismay of</i> Mr. B., <i>who has entirely forgotten
+        any theories he may have advanced on the subject, but has
+        no option but to comply; as he leaves the room with</i>
+        Mrs. GRAPPLETON <i>on his arm, he has a torturing glimpse
+        of</i> Miss ROUNDARM, <i>apparently absorbed in her
+        partner's conversation.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Senior Roppe</i> (<i>as he waltzes</i>). Oh, you
+    needn't feel convicted of extraordinary ignorance, I assure
+    you, Miss FEATHERHEAD. YOU would be surprised if you knew how
+    many really clever persons have found that simple little
+    problem of nought divided by one too much for them. Would you
+    have supposed, by the way, that there is a reservoir in
+    Pennsylvania containing a sufficient number of gallons to
+    supply all London for eighteen months? You don't quite realise
+    it, I see. "How many gallons is that?" Well, let me calculate
+    roughly&mdash;taking the population of London at four millions,
+    and the average daily consumption for each individual
+    at&mdash;no, I can't work it out with sufficient accuracy while
+    I am dancing; suppose we sit down, and I'll do it for you on my
+    shirt-cuff&mdash;oh, very well; then I'll work it out when I
+    get home, and send you the result to-morrow, if you will allow
+    me.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Culdersack</i> (<i>who has provided himself
+    beforehand with a set of topics for conversation&mdash;to his
+    partner, as they halt for a moment</i>). Er&mdash;(<i>consults
+    some hieroglyphics on his cuff stealthily</i>)&mdash;have you
+    read STANLEY'S book yet?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss Tabula Raiser</i>. No, I haven't. Is it
+    interesting?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Culdersack</i>. I can't say. I've not seen it myself.
+    Shall we&mdash;er&mdash;?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They take another turn.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. C.</i> I suppose you have&mdash;er&mdash;been to the
+    (<i>hesitates between the Academy and the Military
+    Exhibition&mdash;decides on latter topic as fresher</i>)
+    Military Exhibition?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.R.</i> No&mdash;not yet. What do you think of
+    it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. C.</i> Oh&mdash;<i>I</i> haven't been either.
+    Er&mdash;do you care to&mdash;?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They take another turn.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. C.</i> (<i>after third halt</i>). Er&mdash;do you
+    take any interest in politics?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss T.R.</i> Not a bit.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. C.</i> (<i>much relieved</i>). No more do I.
+    (<i>Considers that he has satisfied all mental
+    requirements</i>). Er&mdash;let me take you down-stairs for an
+    ice.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They go.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Grappleton</i> (<i>re-entering with</i> Mr.
+    BOLDOVER, <i>after a discussion that has outlasted two ices and
+    a plate of strawberries</i>). Well, I thought you would have
+    explained my difficulties better than <i>that</i>&mdash;oh,
+    what a <i>delicious</i> waltz! Doesn't it set you longing to
+    dance?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>who sees</i> Miss ROUNDARM <i>in the
+    distance, disengaged</i>). Yes, I really think I
+    must&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Preparing to escape.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Grappleton</i>. I'm getting such an old thing, that
+    really I oughtn't to&mdash;but well, just this <i>once</i>, as
+    my husband isn't here.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[MR. BOLDOVER <i>resigns himself to necessity once
+        more.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>First Chaperon</i> (<i>to 2nd ditto</i>). How sweet it is
+    of your eldest girl to dance with that absurd Mr. CLUMPSOLE!
+    It's really too <i>bad</i> of him to make such an exhibition of
+    her&mdash;one can't help smiling at them!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Ch.</i> Oh, ETHEL never can bear to hurt anyone's
+    feelings&mdash;so different from some girls! By the way, I've
+    not seen <i>your</i> daughter dancing to-night&mdash;men who
+    dance are so scarce nowadays&mdash;I suppose they think they
+    have the right to be a little fastidious.</p>
+
+    <p><i>First Ch.</i> BELLA has been out so much this week, that
+    she doesn't care to dance except with a really first-rate
+    partner. She is not so easily pleased as your ETHEL, I'm
+    afraid.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Second Ch.</i> ETHEL is <i>young</i>, you see, and, when
+    one is pressed so much to dance, one can hardly refuse,
+    <i>can</i> one? When she has had as many Seasons as BELLA, she
+    will be less energetic, I daresay.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[MR. BOLDOVER <i>has at last succeeded in
+        approaching</i> Miss ROUNDARM, <i>and even in inducing her
+        to sit out a dance with him; but, having led her to a
+        convenient alcove, he finds himself totally unable to give
+        any adequate expression to the rapture he feels at being by
+        her side.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>determined to lead up to it somehow</i>).
+    I&mdash;I was rather thinking&mdash;(<i>he</i> meant <i>to say,
+    "devoutly hoping," but, to his own bitter disgust, it comes out
+    like this</i>)&mdash;I should meet you here to-night.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> Were you? Why?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>with a sudden dread of going too far just
+    yet</i>). Oh, (<i>carelessly</i>), you know how one <i>does</i>
+    wonder who will be at a place, and who won't.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> No, indeed, I don't.&mdash;<i>how</i> does
+    one wonder?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>with a vague notion of implying a
+    complimentary exception in her case</i>). Oh, well,
+    generally&mdash;(<i>with the fatal tendency of a shy man to a
+    sweeping statement</i>)&mdash;one may be pretty sure of meeting
+    just the people one least wants to see, you know.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> And so you thought you would probably meet
+    me. I <i>see</i>.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>overwhelmed with confusion, and not in the
+    least knowing what he says</i>). No, no, I didn't think
+    that&mdash;I hoped you mightn't&mdash;I mean, I was afraid you
+    might&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Stops short, oppressed by the impossibility of
+        explaining.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> You are not very complimentary to-night, are
+    you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> I can't pay compliments&mdash;to
+    <i>you</i>&mdash;I don't know how it is, but I never can talk
+    to you as I can to other people!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> Are you amusing when you are with other
+    people?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> At all events I can find things to say to
+    <i>them</i>.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Enter Another Man</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Another Man</i> (<i>to</i> Miss B.). Our dance, I
+    think?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Miss R.</i> (<i>who had intended to get out of it</i>). I
+    was wondering if you ever meant to come for it. (<i>To</i> Mr.
+    B., <i>as they rise.</i>) Now I shan't feel I am depriving the
+    other people! (<i>Perceives the speechless agony in his
+    expression, and relents.</i>) Well, you can have the next after
+    this if you care about it&mdash;only <i>do</i> try to think of
+    something in the meantime! (<i>As she goes off.</i>) You
+    will&mdash;won't you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She's given me another
+    chance! If only I can rise to it. Let me see&mdash;what shall I
+    begin with? <i>I</i> know&mdash;<i>Supper!</i> She hasn't been
+    down yet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>His Hostess</i>. Oh, Mr. BOLDOVER, you're not dancing
+    this&mdash;do be good and take someone down to
+    supper&mdash;those poor Chaperons are dying for some food.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Mr. B. <i>takes down a Matron whose repast is
+        protracted through three waltzes and a set of
+        Lancers&mdash;he comes up to find</i> Miss ROUNDARM gone,
+        <i>and the Musicians putting up their instruments.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Coachman at door</i> (<i>to</i> Linkman, <i>as</i> Mr. B.
+    <i>goes down the steps</i>). That's the <i>lot</i>, JIM!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Mr. B. <i>walks home, wishing the Park Gates were not
+        shut, to as to render the Serpentine inaccessible</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page34"
+       id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/34.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/34.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>SHADOWING AT HENLEY REGATTA.</h3>TOBY, M.P., TAKES AN
+        INSTANTANEOUS PHOTOGRAPH WITH HIS DETECTIVE CAMERA IN THE
+        BOW OF MR. PUNCH'S BOAT, WITH THE ABOVE EXTRAORDINARY
+        RESULT.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page35"
+       id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:80%;">
+        <a href="images/35.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/35.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"THE SHADOWLESS MAN."</h3>(<i>Latest Irish Edition of
+        the Old German Romance</i>.)<br />
+        [In the course of the Debate last Monday week, Mr. DILLON
+        said, "I was never shadowed."]
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 7.</i>&mdash;Cabinet
+    Council on Saturday; House begins to think it's time Ministers
+    made up their minds what they're going to do with business of
+    Session. But OLD MORALITY returns customary answer. Ministry
+    still carefully considering question. Meantime he has nothing
+    to say.</p>
+
+    <p>"Except in respect of sex and age, O.M. reminds me." said
+    ALBEBT ROLLIT, "of scene in play recently put on stage by
+    BEERBOHM TREE&mdash;<i>A Man's Shadow</i> it was called.
+    Daresay you remember, TOBY; there's a murder witnessed through
+    window by wife and little daughter. They think it's their man
+    that did the deed; but 'twas the other fellow&mdash;the Shadow,
+    don't you know. There is police inquiry; mother and daughter
+    cross-examined; believe the murderer is the husband and father;
+    saw him do it with their own eyes; but of course not going to
+    peach; little girl pressed to tell all she knows; makes answer
+    in voice that thrills Gallery, and makes mothers in the Pit
+    weep, 'I have seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Never see
+    OLD MORALITY come to the table, as he is now accustomed nightly
+    to do, and protest he has no statement to make, than I think of
+    the little TERRY in this Scene, and her wailing, piteous cry,
+    'I have seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Quite time he had,
+    though. If Ministers can't make up their minds, what's the
+    House to do? Begin to think if things don't mend soon, I shall
+    have a better record of business done to show at end of Session
+    than the Ministry. Bankruptcy Bill will make three Measures to
+    me this Session."</p>
+
+    <p>Irish Constabulary Vote on; Prince ARTHUR lounging on
+    Treasury Bench; prepares to receive Irishry; engagement opens a
+    little flat, with speech from JOHN ELLIS, oration from
+    O'PICTON, and feeble flagellation from FLYNN. Then Prince
+    ARTHUR suddenly, unexpectedly, dashes in. Empty benches fill
+    up; stagnant pool stirred to profoundest depths: ARTHUR
+    professes to be tolerant of Irish Members, but declares himself
+    abhorrent of connivance of Right Hon. Gentleman above Gangway.
+    Talks at Mr. G., who begins visibly to bristle before our very
+    eyes as he sits attentive on Front Bench. ARTHUR in fine
+    fighting trim; Ministerial bark may be labouring in troubled
+    waters; a suddenly gathered storm, coming from all quarters,
+    has surrounded, and threatens to whelm it; MATTHEWS may be
+    sinking under adversity; the Postmen may pull down RAIKES;
+    GOSCHEN is gone; OLD MORALITY'S cheerful nature is being
+    soured; there is talk of Dissolution, and death. But if this is
+    Prince ARTHUR'S last time of defending his rule in Ireland, it
+    shall not be done in half-hearted way. Come storm, come wrack,
+    at least he'll die with harness on his back.</p>
+
+    <p>The accused becomes the accuser. Called upon to defend
+    himself, he turns, and makes a slashing attack on his pursuers,
+    carrying the war into their camp. Scorning the Captains and
+    Men-at-arms, he goes straight for Mr. G., and in an instant
+    swords clash across the table, and shields are dinted. Nothing
+    more delightful than to hear Mr. G. complaining, as he rose,
+    and took his coat off, that Prince ARTHUR had "dragged him into
+    the controversy." On the whole, he bore the infliction pretty
+    well, and went for ARTHUR neck and crop. <i>Business
+    done</i>.&mdash;Irish Votes in Supply.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;"I have seen nothing; I have heard
+    nothing." Pathetic refrain of OLD MORALITY murmured again
+    to-night: Members wanted to know about various things; but in
+    OLD MORALITY'S mind, fate of the Tithes Bill, intentions of
+    Government touching proposed new Standing Order, and allocation
+    of money originally intended for Publicans, all a blank. "We
+    are still considering," says he.</p>
+
+    <p>"A most considerate Government," says WILFRID LAWSON. "Might
+    save time and trouble if they had at table an automatic
+    machine; Members wanting to know how business is to be
+    arranged, what Bills to be dropped, and which gone forward
+    with, could go up to table, drop a penny in the slot, and out
+    would come the answer&mdash;'I have seen nothing; I have heard
+    nothing.'"</p>
+
+    <p>Seems that HANBURY has exceptional means of obtaining
+    information. OLD MORALITY has privately shown him Military
+    Report with respect to Heligoland. A confidential
+    communication, something of the kind the MARKISS carried on
+    with the population of Heligoland. But HANBURY straightway goes
+    and tells all about it in a letter to one of his Constituents;
+    letter gets into papers. SUMMERS reads it out to House. Eagerly
+    thirsting after knowledge on military matters, SUMMERS wants
+    also to see the text of Report. Why should HANBURY have it all
+    to himself? Quartermaster-General SUMMERS would like
+    opportunity of studying it, and forming opinion as to accuracy
+    of the naval and military men who have drawn up plan. Will OLD
+    MORALITY favour him by placing him on an equality of confidence
+    with HANBURY? No, OLD MORALITY will not. Howl of indignant
+    despair from Radicals. Never heard of this Report before; but
+    that HANBURY should see it, and thereby be enabled to assure
+    his constituents, even by nods and winks, that it was all right
+    about Heligoland, was more than they could put up with.
+    O'PICTON sat morose at the corner seat below the Gangway. Who
+    was HANBURY, that he should have the advantage of studying
+    these military documents when the grand-nephew of PICTON of
+    Waterloo was left out in the cold, his martial instincts
+    unsatisfied, his knowledge of strategical points of the British
+    Empire unsatiated?</p>
+
+    <p>Another instance this of the misfortune that pursues the
+    Government. Little did OLD MORALITY think, when in moment of
+    weakness he showed this important document to HANBURY, what a
+    hornet's nest it would bring about his unoffending head.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Irish Constabulary Vote
+    passed.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;At last OLD MORALITY has heard
+    something and seen something. Heard how things went on to-day
+    in Committee on Procedure. Worse and worse. Prince ARTHUR made
+    curious blunder for one so alert: introduced into draft Report
+    admission of principle that Lords might, an they pleased,
+    refuse to consider in current Session, any Bill coming up to
+    them from Commons. HARCOURT saw his opportunity; used it with
+    irresistible skill and force. Committee adjourned in almost
+    comatose state.</p>
+
+    <p>This is what OLD MORALITY has heard from JOKIM, who begins
+    to think that, after all, life is a serious thing. What he sees
+    is, that it is impossible to further delay decision about
+    business. Accordingly announces complete surrender. All, all
+    are gone, the old familiar faces&mdash;Land Purchase Bill,
+    Tithe Bill, and even this later project of the new Standing
+    Order. "What, all our pretty chicks?" cry the agonised
+    Ministerialists.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," said OLD MORALITY, mingling his tears with theirs,
+    "our duty to our QUEEN and Country demands this sacrifice.
+    But," he added, bracing up, significantly eyeing Mr. G., and
+    speaking in dear solemn tones, "we reserve to ourselves
+    absolute freedom of <span class="pagenum"><a name="page36"
+       id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> action on a future occasion."
+       Opposition shouted with laughter, whilst OLD MORALITY stood
+       and stared, and wondered what was amusing them now. New
+       Session is, according to present intentions, to open in
+       November. Will the Land Purchase Bill be taken first? Mr. G.
+       wants to know.</p>
+
+    <p>"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, "I have indicated the views of the
+    Government as to the Land Purchase Bill, according as those
+    views are held at the present time." (Cheers from the
+    Ministerialists.) Encouraged by this applause, and, happy
+    thought striking him, went on: "But it is impossible for the
+    Government to say what circumstances may occur to qualify those
+    views."</p>
+
+    <p>Once more Opposition break into storm of laughter; OLD
+    MORALITY again regards them with dubious questioning gaze.</p>
+
+    <p>"Curious thing, TOBY," he said to me afterwards, "those
+    fellows opposite always laugh when I drop in my most diplomatic
+    sentences. It's very well for MACHIAVELLI that he didn't live
+    in these times, and lead House of Commons instead of the
+    Government of the Florentine Republic. He would never have
+    opened his mouth without those Radicals and Irishmen going off
+    into a fit of laughter."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Announcement that business
+    <i>won't</i> be done.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;Still harping on Irish Votes. Want to
+    dock Prince ARTHUR'S salary. SWIFT MACNEILL brought down model
+    of battering-ram used at Falcarragh; holds it up; shows it in
+    working order; Committee much interested; inclined to encourage
+    this sort of thing; pleasant interlude in monotony of
+    denunciation of Prince ARTHUR and all his works; no knowing
+    what developments may not be in store; the other night had
+    magic-lantern performance just off Terrace; that all very well
+    on fine night; but when it's raining must keep indoors and
+    battering-ram suitable for indoor exhibition.</p>
+
+    <p>HAVELOCK wanted to borrow it, says he would like to show
+    SCHWANN how it works; but MACNEILL couldn't spare it till Irish
+    Votes through.</p>
+
+    <p>New turn given to Debate by plaintive declaration from JOHN
+    DILLON that he has "never been shadowed." "A difficult lot to
+    deal with," says ARTHUR, gazing curiously at the Shadowless
+    Man. "If they are shadowed, they protest; if they're not, they
+    repine."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Irish Votes in Committee.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2>
+
+    <h4>AT THE ACADEMY SOIR&Eacute;E.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>How well your Picture bears the artificial light!</i>"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "Couldn't look worse than it does by
+    daylight."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Mustn't keep you on the stairs. Such heaps of your
+    friends asking for you upstairs</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Got rid of
+    him, thank goodness!"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Here you are at last! Been dodging you from room to
+    room!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "To keep out of your way. Caught at
+    last, worse luck!"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>You look as if you had just stepped out of a
+    picture-frame!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Wish you'd step back into
+    one!"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Not seen Mr. O'Kew's picture? You</i> must <i>see it.
+    Only three rooms from here, and no crowd there now. So go and
+    bring me back word what you think</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Now to
+    flee!"</p>
+
+    <h4>AT LORD'S.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>Yes, I'm so fond of Cricket</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "How can
+    I find out if Oxford or Cambridge is in?"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Don't move, pray</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "If she doesn't, I
+    shall be smothered in lobster-salad!"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Not the least in my way, thanks</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Does
+    she think I can see through her parasol?"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Pray join us at lunch! Heaps of room in the
+    carriage</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Hope she doesn't! It only holds
+    four, and we're six already."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Don't they call a hit to the left like that, a
+    Drive?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>,
+    "Young-rich&mdash;good-looking&mdash;worth catching&mdash;looks
+    as if he liked 'sweet simplicity.'"</p>
+
+    <h4>ELECTIONEERING.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>Has at heart the best interests of the Borough</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, Means to subscribe largely to all local clubs and
+    charities.</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>The honour of representing you in Parliament</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "The pleasure of advertising myself."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>I should wish to keep my mind open on that subject</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "I cannot afford to commit myself just yet."</p>
+
+    <h4>PARLIAMENTARY.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>I have never heard such an astounding argument</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "Since I last employed it myself."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>To come to the real question at issue</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>,
+    "To introduce my one strong point."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>I do not pledge myself to these figures</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "The next speaker will very likely show them to be
+    absolutely unreliable."</p>
+
+    <h4>IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.</h4>
+
+    <p>"<i>Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you</i>;"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, "I wasn't listening."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>I rather understood that you were arguing, &amp;c.,
+    &amp;c.</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "You are now flatly contradicting
+    yourself."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>DISCIPLINE!</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Farcical Tragedy, in Two Scenes&mdash;not licensed
+    for representation.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>SCENE I.&mdash;<i>The Barrack Square. Present&mdash;No. 1
+    Company, awaiting inspection.</i></h4>
+
+    <p><i>Captain</i> (<i>to Subaltern</i>). Have you proved
+    them?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Subaltern</i>. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know
+    their places, and it is useless labour.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;I daresay they are right. You
+    know we have been told to be conciliatory. Open order! March!
+    For inspection&mdash;port arms!</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/36.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/36.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Sergeant</i> (<i>stepping forward, and saluting</i>). Beg
+    pardon, Sir, but the men are under the impression that you wish
+    to examine their rifles?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Certainly. (<i>To Subaltern</i>). Take the rear
+    rank, while I look after the front.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven't taken open
+    order yet. They say that they are responsible for their rifles
+    when they have to use them before the enemy, and you may rely
+    upon it that they will be all right then.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;then we will dispense with
+    inspection of arms. Buttons bright, and straps in their proper
+    places?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> (<i>doubtfully</i>). So they say, Sir.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Well, then, read the orders.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know
+    their duty, and don't want to listen to no orders.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so
+    patriotic. Hope that the Commanding Officer will dispense
+    (under the circumstances) with the formality. Anything
+    more?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told
+    off for duty on guard, Sir.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> March them off, then.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Serg.</i> Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to
+    you.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;bring them up. (Sergeant
+    <i>obeys</i>.) Now, men, what is it?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private Brown</i>. Please, Sir, I have got a
+    tooth-ache.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;fall out, and go to the
+    doctor.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private B.</i> Please, Sir, I don't want to see no
+    doctor. I can cure myself.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Very well&mdash;cure yourself. (Private
+    <i>salutes, and retires.</i>) And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what
+    do you want?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private Jones</i>. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told
+    off for guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to
+    expect us to do sentry-go so soon.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Well, you know your orders.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Private J.</i> Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll
+    explain to the War Office if there's any row about it!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The</i> Privates <i>salute, and retire.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Anything else, Sergeant?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergt.</i> Well, no, Sir&mdash;you see the men won't do
+    anything.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Under those circumstances, I suppose I have
+    only to give the usual words of command. Company, attention!
+    Right turn&mdash;dismiss!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They dismiss.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4>SCENE II.&mdash;<i>Before the Enemy. Present&mdash;No. 1
+    Company awaiting orders to advance.</i></h4>
+
+    <p><i>Captain</i>.&mdash;Now, my men, all you have to do is to
+    keep your heads, and obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Subaltern</i>. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded
+    without bayonets.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> Well, that's to be regretted; although they are
+    small enough nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a
+    thousand yards! Ready!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sub.</i> Very sorry. Sir, but the men forgot to bring
+    their ammunition.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i>&mdash;Come, this is getting serious! Here's the
+    Cavalry preparing to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em
+    off! Right turn!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Sergeant</i>. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and
+    don't know their right hands from their left.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Capt.</i> (<i>losing his temper</i>). Confound it! They
+    don't, don't they! Well, hang it all, I suppose they will
+    understand this? (<i>To Company.</i>) Here, you pampered
+    useless idiots&mdash;bolt!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They bolt.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A CUTTING (transplanted from the advertisements in the
+    <i>Belfast News-Letter</i>):&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>WANTED, A PARROT: one brought up in a respectable
+        family, and that has not been taught naughty words or
+        bigoted expressions, preferred.&mdash;Apply by letter,
+        stating price, &amp;c.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"Preferred!" What sort of a Parrot had they been previously
+    accustomed to at that house?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 99, JULY 19, 1890***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 11919-h.txt or 11919-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
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+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1965 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July
+19, 1890, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, July 19, 1890
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 6, 2004  [eBook #11919]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 99, JULY 19, 1890***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11919-h.htm or 11919-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/9/1/11919/11919-h/11919-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/9/1/11919/11919-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 99
+
+JULY 19, 1890
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: PARALLEL.
+
+Joe, the Fat Boy in Pickwick, startles the Old Lady; Oscar, the Fad
+Boy in Lippincott's, startles Mrs. Grundy.
+
+_Oscar, the Fad Boy_. "I want to make your flesh creep!"]
+
+The Baron has read OSCAR WILDE'S Wildest and Oscarest work, called
+_Dorian Gray_, a weird sensational romance, complete in one number of
+_Lippincott's Magazine_. The Baron, recommends anybody who revels in
+_diablerie_, to begin it about half-past ten, and to finish it at one
+sitting up; but those who do not so revel he advises either not to
+read it at all, or to choose the daytime, and take it in homoeopathic
+doses. The portrait represents the soul of the beautiful Ganymede-like
+_Dorian Gray_, whose youth and beauty last to the end, while his soul,
+like JOHN BROWN'S, "goes marching on" into the Wilderness of Sin. It
+becomes at last a devilled soul. And then _Dorian_ sticks a knife into
+it, as any ordinary mortal might do, and a fork also, and next morning
+
+  "Lifeless but 'hideous' he lay,"
+
+while the portrait has recovered the perfect beauty which it possessed
+when it first left the artist's easel. If OSCAR intended an allegory,
+the finish is dreadfully wrong. Does he mean that, by sacrificing
+his earthly life, _Dorian Gray_ atones for his infernal sins, and so
+purifies his soul by suicide? "Heavens! I am no preacher," says the
+Baron, "and perhaps OSCAR didn't mean anything at all, except to give
+us a sensation, to show how like BULWER LYTTON'S old-world style he
+could make his descriptions and his dialogue, and what an easy thing
+it is to frighten the respectable _Mrs. Grundy_ with a Bogie." The
+style is decidedly Lyttonerary. His aphorisms are Wilde, yet forced.
+Mr. OSCAR WILDE says of his story, "it is poisonous if you like, but
+you cannot deny that it is also perfect, and perfection is what we
+artists aim at." Perhaps; but "we artists" do not always hit what
+we aim at, and, despite his confident claim to unerring artistic
+marksmanship, one must hazard the opinion, that in this case Mr. WILDE
+has "shot wide." There is indeed more of "poison" than of "perfection"
+in _Dorian Gray_. The central idea is an excellent, if not exactly
+novel, one; and a finer art, say that of NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, would
+have made a striking and satisfying story of it. _Dorian Gray_ is
+striking enough, in a sense, but it is not "satisfying" artistically,
+any more than it is so ethically. Mr. WILDE has preferred the sensuous
+and hyperdecorative manner of "Mademoiselle DE MAUPIN," and without
+GAUTIER'S power, has spoilt a promising conception by clumsy unideal
+treatment. His "decoration" (upon which he plumes himself) is indeed
+"laid on with a trowel." The luxuriously elaborate details of his
+"artistic hedonism" are too suggestive of South Kensington Museum
+and aesthetic Encyclopaedias. A truer art would have avoided both the
+glittering conceits, which bedeck the body of the story, and the
+unsavoury suggestiveness which lurks in its spirit. Poisonous! Yes.
+But the loathly "leperous distilment" taints and spoils, without
+in any way subserving "perfection," artistic or otherwise. If _Mrs.
+Grundy_ doesn't read it, the younger _Grundies_ do; that is, the
+_Grundies_ who belong to Clubs, and who care to shine in certain
+sets wherein this story will be much discussed. "I have read it, and,
+except for the ingenious idea, I wish to forget it," says the Baron.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Baron has seen the new, lively, and eccentric newspaper, entitled
+_The Whirlwind_. It has reached the third number. "I am informed,"
+says the Baron, "that, on payment of five guineas down, I can become
+a life-subscriber to the _Whirlwind_. But what does life-subscriber
+mean? Do I subscribe for the term of my life, or for the term of the
+_Whirlwind's_ life? Suppose the _Whirlwind_ has to be wound up, or
+whirl-winded up, and suppose I am still going on, can I intervene to
+stop the proceedings, and insist on my contract to be supplied with
+a _Whirlwind_ per week for the remainder of my natural or unnatural
+life being carried out? If the contract is for our lives, then, as
+a life-subscriber, I should insist on the _Whirlwind_ remaining
+co-existent with me, so that, up to my latest breath, I might have a
+_Whirlwind_. But if the life-subscription of five guineas is only for
+the term of the _Whirlwind's_ life, then, I fancy the proprietors,
+editor, and staff, that the Hon. STUART ERSKINE and Mr. HERBERT
+VIVIAN, who are, I believe, the Proprietors, Editor, and Staff of the
+_Whirlwind_, will have by far the better of the bargain. I resist the
+temptation, and keep my five pounds five shillings in my pocket, and
+am
+
+"Yours truly, THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW ADVERTISEMENT COLUMN.
+
+    [All applications in answer to be addressed to the office
+    of this journal, accompanied by handsome P.O.O, and lots of
+    shilling stamps, which will in every case be retained, without
+    acknowledgment, as a guarantee of good faith.]
+
+URGENT CASE.--WANTED, by a little Boy, aged 10, of thoroughly
+disagreeable temper, selfish, greedy, ill-mannered, and thoroughly
+spoilt at home, a good sound Whipping, weekly, if possible. Great care
+will be necessary on the part of applicant in fulfilling requirements,
+parents of youth in question, being firmly convinced that he is a
+noble little fellow, with a fine manly spirit, just what his dear
+Papa was at his age (as is very probably the case) and only requiring
+peculiarly gentle and considerate treatment.--Apply (in first
+instance, by letter) to Godfather, care of _Mr. Punch_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS,--affectionate but practical-minded, and
+anxious to find economical homes (somewhere else) for young gentlemen
+who cannot get on without expensive assistance at starting in Mother
+country, owing to excessive competition in laborious and over-crowded
+professions. A firm of enterprising Agents offer bracing and
+profitable occupation (coupled with the use _gratis_, of two broken
+spades, an old manure-cart, and an axe without a handle) in a
+peculiarly romantic and unhealthy district in the backwoods of
+West-Torrida. Photograph, if desired, of Agent's residence (distant
+several hundred miles away.) Excellent opening for young men fresh
+from first-class public school or college-life: who should, of course,
+be prepared to "rough it" a little before making competence or
+large fortune, by delightful pursuit of agriculture. No restrictive
+civilisation. No drains. Excellent supply of water and heavy floods as
+a rule, during three months of year, bringing on Spring crops without
+expense of irrigation. Very low death-rate, most of population
+having recently cleared out. Small village and (horse)-doctor within
+twenty-five miles' ride. Wild and beautiful country. Every incentive
+to work. Rare poisonous reptiles, and tarantula spiders, most
+interesting to young observant naturalist. Capital prospect--great
+saving offered to careful parents anxious to set up brougham, or
+increase private expenses. Five boys (reduction on taking a quantity)
+disposed of for about L250 and outfit, with probably, no further
+trouble.--Address, Messrs. SHARKEY AND CRIMPIN, Colonial and
+Emigration Agents. &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONCERTS! CONCERTS!--Amateur Comic Vocalist and impromptu "Vamper"
+(gentleman born) of several years' experience in best London Society,
+is anxious to meet with bold and speculative Manager who will offer
+him a first engagement. Can sing--omitting a few high notes--various
+popular melodies, comprising, "_Aunt Sarah's Back-hair," "The Twopenny
+Toff of 'Ighgate 'Ill_," and "_Tommy Robinson's Last Cigar_," and also
+play piano if required, with one finger, but prefers to be accompanied
+by indefatigable friend, who plays entirely by ear, and if allowed to
+smoke freely, can "pick up" any tune in a quarter of an hour. Seldom
+breaks down or forgets words, except before large or unsympathetic
+audience. Fetching comic "biz," and superlative Music-hall "chic."
+Would have no objection to black face and appear at evening parties,
+or in fashionable streets, with banjo (if provided with small police
+escort.) Testimonials from several highly respectable relatives, now
+in asylum, or under treatment at seaside.--Address, with terms, the
+Hon. ALGERNON BRASSLEIGH CHEEKINGTON (or at Chimpanzee Chambers in
+Piccadilly, W.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION FOR REFORM IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS' SYSTEM.--"_Absence_" should
+be called immediately after dinner, and then each boy, instead
+of saying, "Here, Sir!" could reply, classically and correctly,
+"_Adsum!_" Yours truly, AN OVER-ETON BOY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LAT. 60 deg. 8' N. LONG. 4 deg. 30' E.
+
+_Mr. Punch en route for the Midnight Sun. First glimpse of Norway._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE CUP THAT CHE-(HIC)-ERS!"
+
+The Total Abstainer staggered to his feet. The room seemed to be
+waltzing round him, and his legs acted independently of each other.
+One of those legs tried to walk to the right, whilst the other moved
+to the left! He looked in the mirror and saw a double reflection!
+He had two noses, a couple of mouths, four eyes, and countless
+whiskers. This made him merry, and he laughed in very glee. But
+only for a while! Soon he became utterly depressed. Then his head
+ached--horribly! He tried to sleep--he could not! "Never too late--to
+MENDAL!" he gasped out, uttering in his extreme agitation the name of
+a Physician of Berlin who had made inebriety a special study.
+
+Then his muscles became weak and trembling, his aversion to labour
+increased, and he had scarcely the energy or power to observe that
+his complexion (in patches) was ruddier than the cherry.
+
+"Alas!" he sighed, and he succumbed permanently to persistent
+dyspepsia!
+
+And what was the cause of this unfortunate, this terrible condition?
+Sad to say, the question was easily answered. The Total Abstainer had
+taken a drop too much--of Coffee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CATCHING;
+
+OR, HOW FAR WILL IT GO?
+
+(BEING A FORECAST OF THE SPREAD OF THE STRIKE FEVER, FROM A NEXT
+WEEK'S DIARY.)
+
+_Wednesday_.--All the Police, having now been replaced by Amateur
+Special Constables, who are as yet unfamiliar with their duties, the
+position of the Metropolitan Magistrates becomes impossible, and
+they resign in a body at five minutes' notice, causing the greatest
+consternation in signalling their resignation by sending every case
+on the charge-sheet that morning for trial to a superior Court.
+
+_Thursday_.--The Judges, overwhelmed by the prospect of an unusual and
+quite impossible amount of extra work, demand the increase of their
+salaries to L10,000 per annum. On this being categorically refused
+by the Treasury, they then and there, on their respective Benches,
+severally tear off their wigs and robes, and quit their Courts "for
+good," with threatening gestures.
+
+_Friday_.--The LORD CHANCELLOR, on being informed of the conduct of
+the Judges, rips open the Woolsack, scattering its contents over the
+floor of the House of Lords, and, denouncing the Government, throws up
+his post on the spot. The legal business of the country, coming thus
+to a deadlock, is involved in further chaos by a sudden strike of
+all the Members of both the Senior and Junior Bars, which is further
+complicated by another of every Solicitor in the three kingdoms.
+
+_Saturday_.--Gatling guns being posted in the Entrance Hall, and Bow
+Street having been cleared by a preliminary discharge of artillery,
+the programme of the Royal Italian Opera for the evening is carried
+out, as advertised, at Covent Garden. Ladies wearing their diamonds,
+are conveyed to the theatre in Police Vans, surrounded by detachments
+of the Household Cavalry, and gentlemen's evening dress is
+supplemented by a six-chambered revolver, an iron-cased umbrella, a
+head protector, and a double-edged cut-and-thrusting broad-sword.
+
+_Sunday_.--The Church having caught the prevailing fever, the entire
+body of the Clergy, headed by the Bishops, come out on strike, with
+the result that no morning, afternoon, or evening services are held
+anywhere. The Medical Profession takes up the idea, and, discovering
+a grievance, the Royal College of Surgeons issues a manifesto. All the
+hospitals turn out their patients, and medical men universally drop
+all their cases. An M.D. who is known, upon urgent pressure, to have
+made an official visit, is chased up and down Harley Street by a mob
+of his infuriated brother practitioners, and is finally nearly lynched
+on a lamp-post in Cavendish Square. The day closes in with a serious
+riot in Hyde Park, caused by the meeting of the conflicting elements
+of Society, who have all marched there with their bands and banners to
+air their respective grievances.
+
+_Monday_.--The London County Council, School Board, Common Council,
+Court of Aldermen, and the Royal Academicians after discovering,
+respectively, some trifling sources of dissatisfaction, wreck their
+several establishments, and finally march along the Thames Embankment
+towards Westminster, singing, alternately, the "_Marseillaise_" and
+"_Ask a Pleece-man._"
+
+_Tuesday_.--The House of Commons, after tossing the SPEAKER in his own
+gown, declare the Constitution extinct, and, abolishing the House of
+Lords and giving all the Foreign Ambassadors twelve hours notice to
+quit the country, announce their own dissolution, and immediately
+commence their Autumn Holiday.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Railway Directors, Sweeps, Chairmen of Public Companies,
+Coal-Heavers, Provincial Mayors, Dentists, Travelling Circus
+Proprietors, Fish Contractors, Beadles, Cabinet Ministers, Street
+Scavengers, Dog Fanciers, Archbishops, Gas Fitters, Hereditary
+Legislators, Prize Fighters, Poor-Law Guardians, Lion Tamers,
+Green-Grocers, and many other discontented members of the community,
+having all joined in a universal strike, society, becomes totally
+disorganised, and the entire country quietly but, effectually
+collapses, and disappears from the European system.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE ONCE AGAIN, ADAPTED TO THE SITUATION.
+
+(SEE _TITUS ANDRONICUS_, ACT II., SC. 1.)
+
+_AARON (THE AGITATOR) LOQUITUR_.--
+
+  For shame, be friends, and join for that you jar:
+  'Tis Union and Strikes, my lads, must do
+  That you affect; and so must you resolve
+  That what you cannot severally achieve,
+  United you may manage as you will.
+  A speedier course than lingering languishment
+  Must we pursue, and I have found the path.
+  My lads, a biggish business is in hand;
+  Together let brave British Bobbies troop:
+  The City streets are numerous and wealthy,
+  And many unfrequented nooks there be,
+  Fitted by kind for violence and theft;
+  But take you thence, and many a watchful ruffian
+  Will soon strike home, by force and not by words:
+  This way, or not at all, stand you in hope.
+  Come, come, our comrades, with more sluggish wit,
+  To vigilance and duty consecrate,
+  Will we acquaint with all that we intend,
+  And we will so commit them to our cause
+  That they cannot stand off or "square" themselves;
+  But to your wishes' height you'll all advance.
+  The City's courts have houses of ill-fame,
+  Town's palaces are full of wanton wealth,
+  The slums are ruthless, ravenous ripe for crime.
+  _Then speak, and strike, brave boys, and take your turn_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.
+
+_Fair Authoress_. "SO SORRY TO BE SO LATE. I'M AFRAID I'M _LAST_!"
+
+_Genial Host_. "'_LAST_--BUT NOT _LEAST_!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG SENTIMENTIANA.
+
+(_A DELIGHTFUL "ALL-THE-YEAR-SOUND" RESORT FOR THE FASHIONABLE
+COMPOSER._)
+
+EXAMPLE V.--OF THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWERS OF LOVE, UNDER CONDITION OF
+PROXIMITY.
+
+  When thou art near, the hemisphere
+    Commissioned to surround me,
+  (As well as you,) is subject to
+    Some changes that astound me.
+  Where'er I look I seem mistook;
+    All objects--what, I care not--
+  At once arrange to make a change
+    To something that they were not!
+      When thou art near, love,
+        Strange things occur--
+      Thickness is clear, love,
+        Clearness a blur.
+      Penguins are weasels,
+        Cheap things are dear,
+      "Jumps" are but measles
+        When thou art near!
+
+  When thou art close, the doctor's dose
+    Is quite a decent tonic.
+  Thy presence, too, makes all things new,
+    And five-act plays laconic.
+  And, with thee by, the earth's the sky,
+    And _your_ "day out" is _my_ day,
+  While tailors' bills are daffodils,
+    And Saturday is Friday!
+      When thou art here, love,
+        Just where you are,
+      Far things are near, love,
+        Near things are far.
+      Beef-tea is wine, love,
+        Champagne is beer,
+      Wet days are fine, love,
+        When thou art near.
+
+  Without you stand quite close at hand,
+    A broker _is_ a broker;
+  But stick by me, and then he'll be
+    A very pleasant joker!
+  Without thee by, a lie's a lie--
+    The truth is nought but truthful.
+  But by me stay, and night is day--
+    And even _you_ are youthful
+      When thou art near, love,--
+        Not, love, unless,--
+      Thick soup is clear, love,
+        Football is chess.
+      IRVINGS are TOOLES, love,
+        Tadpoles are deer,
+      Wise men are fools, love,
+        When thou art near!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When KENNEDY fell out of his boat at Henley, his antagonist, PSOTTA,
+magnanimously waited for him to get in again. He must be a good Psotta
+chap.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOST OPPORTUNITIES.--Last Tuesday week the members of the Incorporated
+Cain-and-Abel-Authors' Society lost a great treat when Mr. GEORGE
+AUGUSTUS lost a indignantly refused to take his seat "below the salt,"
+and walked out without making the speech with which his name was
+associated on the toast-list. But, on the other hand, what a big
+chance Orator GEORGE AUGUSTUS lost of coming out strong in opposition,
+and astonishing the Pen-and-Inkorporated ones with a few stirring
+remarks, in his most genial vein, on the brotherhood of Authors,
+and their appreciation of distinguished services in the field
+of Literature. It was an opportunity, too, for suggesting
+"Re-distribution of Seats."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MRS. H.M. STANLEY.
+
+  The merry bells do naught but ring,
+   The streets are gay with flag and pennant,
+  The birds more sweetly seem to sing--
+    A Heart to Let has found a TENNANT!
+  No more will HENRY MORTON roam,
+    Nor from your charms away for long go,
+  But, honeymooning here at home,
+    Forget he ever saw the Congo!
+
+  To Oxford 'twas your husband went--
+    The stately home of Don and Proctor--
+  Where, 'mid the deafening cheers that rent
+    The air, he straight became a Doctor.
+  As one whose valour none can shake,
+    We've sung him in a thousand ditties,
+  And freedoms too we've made him take
+    Of goodness knows how many cities!
+
+  Yet while to honour and to praise
+    With one another we've been vying,
+  Has he not told us for the days
+    Of rest to come he ne'er ceased sighing?
+  And when, with pomp of high degree,
+    Your marriage vows and troth you plighted,
+  Why, everyone was glad to see
+    Art and Adventure thus united!
+
+  "To those about to Marry.--Don't!"
+    So _Mr. Punch_ did once advise us.
+  Spread the advice? I'm sure you won't.
+    A course which hardly need surprise us.
+  O lovely wife of one we think
+    Above all others brave and manly,
+  We clink our glasses as we drink
+    Long life and health to Mrs. STANLEY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ANGLO-GERMAN CONCERTINA.
+
+    "I confess I was not at all prepared for the feelings that
+    some South Africans appear to entertain with respect to our
+    conduct in the recent negotiations"--_Lord Salisbury to
+    the Deputation of African Merchants respecting the proposed
+    Anglo-German Agreement._
+
+[Illustration: _Imperial Instrumentalist_ (_loquitur_). "WHAT, NOT
+LIKE THE TONE OF IT? WELL, YOU _DO_ SURPRISE ME!!!"]
+
+  I fancied that this Instrument
+    Would make a great sensation
+  And that its music would content
+    The critics and the nation,
+  I know it is what vulgar folks
+    Christen the "Constant-screamer;"
+  I thought _you_'d scorn such feeble jokes;
+    It seems I was a dreamer.
+  You writhe your lips, you close your ears!
+    Dear me! Such conduct tries me.
+  You do not like it, it appears
+    Well, well,--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  'Tis not, I know, the Jingo drum,
+    Nor the "Imperial" trumpet.
+  (The country to their call won't come,
+    However much you stump it.)
+  They're out of fashion; 'tis not now
+    As in the days of "BEAKEY."
+  People dislike the Drum's tow-row.
+    And call the Trumpet squeaky.
+  So I the Concertina try,
+    As valued friends advise me.
+  What's that you say? It's all my eye?
+    Well, well,--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  I fancied you would like it much,
+    You and the other fellows.
+  Admire the tone, remark my touch!
+    And what capacious bellows!
+  'Tis not as loud as a trombone,
+    But harmony's not rumpus;
+  The chords are charming, and you'll own
+    It has a pretty compass.
+  I swing like this, I sway like that!
+    Fate a fine theme supplies me!
+  The "treatment" you think feeble, flat?
+    Well, well--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+  The "European Concert"? Grand!
+    (You recollect that term, man!)
+  _This_ is a Concertina, and
+    It's make is Anglo-German,
+  You can't _expect_ the thing to be
+    English alone, completely;
+  But really, as 'tis played by me.
+    Does it not sound most sweetly?
+  Humph! DONALD CURRIE cocks his nose,
+    BECKETT  disdainfully eyes me,
+  My Concertina you would--_close!_
+    Well, well--you _do_ surprise me!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEEK BY WEEK.
+
+Scarcely a day passes without bringing us nearer to the end of the
+year. That is a melancholy reflection, but we are not sure that it
+exhausts all the possibilities of misery latent in the flight of
+time. It has been noticed, for instance, that the Duke of X----, whose
+sporting proclivities are notorious, never fails to celebrate his
+birthday with a repast at an inferior _restaurant_, and, as His Grace
+is powerful, his friends suffer in silence and bewail his increasing
+ducal age.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Henley Regatta came off as arranged. This is a peculiarity which is
+very striking in connection with this Royal fixture. We are informed
+that several certainties were upset, but by whom and why has not
+been stated. Candidly speaking, such a brutal method as "upsetting"
+consorts ill with the softer manners of our time. On the Thames, too,
+it must be extraordinarily disagreeable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. WEEDLE, the Hon. Mrs. THREADBARE, and Lady FAWN, have joined
+the lately established Bureau for the Dissemination of Fashionable
+Friendships. The Personal Advertising Department is now open, and is
+daily filled with a distinguished crowd of applicants. Arrangements
+are in process of completion for supplying the deserving rich with
+cambric handkerchiefs, and imitation diamonds, at nominal prices.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A well-known Actor has lately been deprived of his customary allowance
+of fat. His loss of weight (in avoirdupois) has been computed at
+five-sixteenths of the integral cubit of a patent accumulator's
+vertical boiling power, divided by the fractional resistance of a
+plate-glass window to a two-horse-power catapult.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The weather has been variable, with cryptoconchoidal deflections of a
+solid reverberating isobar previously tested in a solution of zinc and
+soda-water. This indicates cold weather in December next.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Consols 1/50094th better. Wheat in demand. Jute firm. Bank rate too
+fast to last.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Politician, whose name has been frequently mentioned during the
+late crisis, has stated it as his opinion that a temperance orator's
+powers of persuasion are to a moral victory as a Prime Minister is
+to a willow-pattern dinner-plate. The remark caused much excitement
+in the lobby, where this gentleman's humorous sallies never lack
+appreciators.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What is this I hear of a certain Noble Duke, well-known in sporting
+circles, having accepted a three months' engagement to appear in a
+"comic character sketch of his own composition," at a long-established
+East End-Music Hall? If there is any truth in the rumour, I should
+like to ask _what the Duchess has been about?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A distinguished Oxford Mathematical Professor has, just after
+prolonged and patient research, established the undoubted certainty
+of the following interesting facts beyond any possible question or
+controversy:--That the quantity of Almond Rock Hard Bake, consumed in
+the United Kingdom in the year terminating on the 15th of May last,
+amounted to 17 lbs. 9 oz. for each member of the population, including
+women and children. That if at all the old and discarded Chimney Pot
+Hats for a like period were collected in a heap, and packed closely
+together, they would fill a building twice the height of St. Paul's,
+and three times the length of the Crystal Palace. That winners of
+the Derby who have become eventually four-wheeler cab-horses are
+ninety-six in number, but that there is _only one authentic_ instance
+of a four-wheeler cab-horse having become a Derby winner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+So great is the craze for the newest idea in locomotion that it is
+calculated that including Duchesses no less than 1470 _grandes dames_
+whose names are well-known in Society, now pass Piccadilly Circus on
+the outside of the London General Omnibus Company's vehicles, between
+the hours of 8 A.M. and 10 P.M. daily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PASSPORT TO THE BEST SOCIETY, AND A GUARANTEE FOR RESPECTABILITY,
+is to be a diligent student of _Mr. Punch's_ works, and to have earned
+the abuse of the _Pall-Mall Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
+
+_Monday_.--_Les Huguenots_. Great night in consequence of police
+strike in Bow Street. Rioting, and Life Guards called out late, just
+as they were retiring for the night. Down they came, in regimentals,
+in undress, anyhow, to quell the disturbance. At least, such is the
+report inside the house. But inconvenient to be in two places at
+once. Henceforth they ought to record this incident by having an
+extinguisher (typical of going to bed and also of quelling the row)
+slung on to their breast-plates. Extinguisher clinking against
+armour would make pretty noise. Their Royal Highnesses the Prince and
+Princess of WALES, having come to enjoy the Opera, remain undisturbed,
+and leave in perfect tranquillity. Excellent example to perturbed
+audience. Excitement within the house. DRURIOLANUS, Earl DE GREY,
+Mr. HIGGINS, and other members of the Organising Operatic Committee,
+ready to charge the mob at a moment's notice, to charge up to two
+guineas a stall, if necessary. Not necessary, however. Calls for the
+Sheriff-elect. DRURIOLANUS, not having the official costume ready,
+cannot appear in it, but uses his authority and his persuasive powers
+in clearing lobbies, saloons, and hall. At any moment he is ready
+to march out with all the Huguenot soldiers and charge the rioters.
+Peace restored about midnight, Household troops sent home to bed, and
+constables decided to strike only on the heads of roughs, rowdies,
+and burglars. This shows how useful it is to have a Sheriff on the
+premises. At Her Majesty's last winter they had the nearest approach
+to it, that is, Sheriff's officers on the premises. But this is not
+precisely the same thing, as Sheriff's officers wear no uniform, and
+not being permitted to go out of a house when once it is given into
+their custody, they, however valiant, are of no use in a crowd.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Tuesday_.--_Lohengrin_. Regardless of rioters, their Royal Highnesses
+again here. Much cheered outside on driving away. Yet crowd in Strand
+(so we hear) not particularly good-tempered, and have wrecked a
+private brougham or two. No effect on Opera, which goes as well as
+ever. Rumours that the player of the _grosse caisse_ has struck at
+rehearsal are confirmed, he appears in his place and strikes again,
+so does the Shakspearian performer "Cymbaline."
+
+_Wednesday_.--_Don Giovanni_. ZELIE DE LUSSAN as _Zerlina_, very
+popular. Still a little too like _Carmen_ in appearance. LASSALLE
+can't be bettered. Great night everywhere. Mlle. MELBA and Mr. EDOUARD
+DE RESZKE taking a little holiday at a concert in Grosvenor Square,
+where also are Madame PATEY and another EDWARD yclept LLOYD, whom
+HERR GANZ accompanies with his "_Sons of Tubal Cain_"--no political
+allusion to the recent Barrow Election. Opera comparatively full.
+Some _habitues_ look in to see how everything's going on, then go on
+themselves to Reception in Piccadilly, At Homes elsewhere, M.P.Q.'s
+Smoking Concert, and various other entertainments. Society winding
+itself up brilliantly. "Rebellion's dead! and now we'll go to supper."
+And so we do. "Again we come to the Savoy!"
+
+_Thursday_.--_Lucia_ off-night, but everything and everybody "going
+on" as usual. H.R.H. again at Opera.
+
+_Friday_.--_La Favorita_. Breathing time before the great Operatic
+event of week to-morrow night.
+
+_Saturday_.--_Esmeralda_. Too late at last moment to say anything on
+this splendid subject, save that the Composer was deservedly greeted
+with a storm--of applause!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURELY A MATTER OF BISLEYNESS.
+
+PRIVATE R. VAN WINKLE opened his eyes, and, taking up his rusty rifle,
+marched towards the new ranges.
+
+"Dear me!" said he, gazing with amazement at his surroundings, "this
+is not at all like what I saw when I went to sleep."
+
+"No, RIP, it is not," replied _Mr. Punch_, who happened to be in the
+neighbourhood. He had been watching his sweetest Princess making a
+bull's-eye at the opening ceremony.
+
+"Why, it is twice as large as Wimbledon," continued the astounded
+warrior.
+
+"You are well within the limit," the Sage assented, "and see, there
+is plenty of space. No fear of damaging any of the tenants of GEORGE
+RANGER in _this_ part of the country."
+
+"No, indeed!" exclaimed Private VAN WINKLE. "Not that I think His
+Royal Highness had much cause of complaint. The truth is--"
+
+"Let bygones be bygones," interrupted _Mr. Punch_. "GEORGE RANGER is
+no longer your landlord, except, in a certain sense, representing the
+interests of the Regular Army, and I shall keep _my_ eye upon him in
+that capacity."
+
+"An entirely satisfactory arrangement. But where are the fancy tents,
+and the luncheon parties, and all the etceteras that used to be so
+pleasant at Wimbledon?"
+
+"Disappeared," returned _Mr. Punch_, firmly. "Bisley is to be more
+like Shoeburyness (where the Artillery set an excellent example to
+the Infantry) than the Surrey saturnalia."
+
+"And is it to be _all_ work and no play?"
+
+"That will be the general idea. Of course, in the evening, when
+nothing better can be done, there will be harmonic meetings round the
+camp-fires. But while light lasts, the crack of the rifle and the
+ping of the bullet will be heard in all directions, _vice_ the pop
+of champagne corks superseded. And if you don't like the prospect,
+my dear RIP, you had better go to sleep again."
+
+But Private VAN WINKLE remained awake--to his best interests!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON MATRIMONY.
+
+Well, we're jest about going it, at the reel "Grand Hotel," we are. We
+had jest about the werry lovliest wedding here, larst week, as I ewer
+seed, ewen with my great xperiense. Such a collekshun of brave-looking
+men and reel handsum women as seldom meets together xcept on these
+most hintresting occashuns. And as good luck wood have it, jest as
+we was in the werry wirl and xcitement of it all, who should come in
+to lunch but the same emminent yung Swell as cum about a munth ago.
+And he had jest the same helegant but simple lunch as before, with a
+bottle of the same splendid Champane, as before, and he didn't harf
+finish it, as before, and not a drop of what he left was wasted, as
+before; and so, when he paid me his little account, he arsked me if
+many of the werry bewtifool ladies, as I had told him of when he came
+larst, had been to the "Grand" lately, so the bold thort seized, me,
+and I says to him, "Yes, your ---- ----, there's jest a nice few of
+'em here now, and if you will kindly foller me up to our bewtifool
+Libery, and will keep your eyes quite wide open as you gos along, you
+will see jest about a hole room full of 'em."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+So I took him parst the grand room in which the Wedding Gests was
+assembled, and there sure enuff, he seed such a collection of smiling
+bewty, as ewidently made a great impression on his---- ----'s Art,
+and one speshally lovely Bridesmade gave him a look, as he passed by,
+as ewidently went rite thro it. I scarcely xpecs to be bleeved wen I
+says, as his ---- ----'s cheeks quite blusht with hadmirashun, and he
+turned round to me and says, says he, "Ah, Mr. ROBERT, if there was
+many such reel lovely angels as that a flying about, I rayther thinks
+as I shood be perswaded to turn a Bennedictus myself." I didn't at all
+know what he meant, but I thort as it was werry credittable to him.
+We got quite a chatting arterwards in the Libery, of course I don't
+mean to say as I forgot for a moment the strornary difference atween
+us, but he had werry ewidently been werry much struck by the lovely
+Bridesmade, for he says, "Mr. ROBERT," says he, "what's about the rite
+time for a man to marry?"
+
+Of course I was reglar staggered, but I pulls myself together, and I
+says, without not no hesitashun, "Jest a leetle under 30, your ----
+----, for the Gent, and jest a leetle over 20 for the Lady, and then
+the Gent gits just about 10 years advantage, which I thinks as he's
+well entitled to." At which he larfs quite hartily, and he says, "Why
+that wood keep me single for another ten years--but I will think it
+over;" and, strange to say, jest as we passed again by the room as the
+Bridal party was in, the same lovely Bridesmade happend to be near the
+door, so they coud both have a good look at each other, and a hansum
+cupple they was, if ever I seed one. And when his ---- ---- wished
+me good day, which he did, quite in a frendly way, he added, with his
+most bewtifool smile, "Ten years, MR. ROBERT, seems a long time to
+wait for such a sweet angel as that!"
+
+Ah, it's a rum world as we all lives in, and in nothink much rummer
+than in the wunderfool power of a bewtifool face, ah, and as sumbody
+says, for Wheel or for Wo, jest as it appens, more's the pitty.
+
+I rayther thinks, as I gathers from the tork of the many yung swells
+as we has dining here, that they are not altogether what I shoud call
+a marrying race; they seems to think as there's allers plenty of time
+for that sollem seremony when they're a good deal older.
+
+Ah, of course it isn't for a poor old Hed Waiter to presume to adwise
+young and hemenent swells, but my xperiense of uman life teaches me,
+as the werry werry appiest time of a man's life is from 30 to about
+40, perwided as he has been lucky enuff to secure for hisself a yung,
+bewtifool, good-tempered, helegant, and ercomplished Bride, to, as the
+Poet says, harve his sorrows, and dubble his joys.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE ILLUSTRATOR) HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+_Fair Authoress_. "AND, FOR THE FRONTISPIECE, I WANT YOU TO DRAW THE
+HEROINE STANDING PROUDLY ERECT BY THE SEASHORE, GAZING AT THE STILL
+IMAGE OF HERSELF IN THE TROUBLED WAVES. THE SUN IS SETTING; IN THE
+EAST THE NEW MOON IS RISING--A THIN CRESCENT. HER FACE IS THICKLY
+VEILED; AN UNSHED TEAR IS GLISTENING IN HER BLUE EYE; HER SLENDER,
+WHITE, JEWELLED HANDS ARE CLENCHED INSIDE HER MUFF. THE CURLEWS ARE
+CALLING, UNSEEN--"
+
+_F.A.'s Husband_. "YES; DON'T FORGET THE CURLEWS--THEY COME IN
+CAPITALLY! I CAN LEND YOU A STUFFED ONE, YOU KNOW--TO DRAW FROM!" &c.,
+&c., &c., &c., &c.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LYING SPIRIT.
+
+  The Lying Spirit! "Doctrine hard!" some mutter,
+    Dictated by unsympathetic scorn;
+  A doctrine that on light would draw the shutter,
+    And close the opening gateways of the morn.
+  No so; no guiding light would _Punch_ extinguish,
+    Or chill true champion of the toiling crowd;
+  But wisdom at its kindliest must distinguish
+    Between true guides and tricksters false as loud.
+  The blameless King his headlong knights upbraided
+    In kindly grief for "following foolish fires,"
+  False flames that in mere dun marsh-darkness faded,
+    Leaving lost votaries to its mists and mires;
+  And here's an _ignis fatuus_, fired by folly,
+    And moved by violence as fierce as blind;
+  The gulf before's a bourne most melancholy,
+    And what of those fast following behind?
+  Well-meaning hearts, maybe, all expectation
+    Of glittering gains upon a perilous road,
+  Stirred by wild whirling words to keen elation,
+    Pricked on by poverty's imperious goad;
+  Hoping,--as who of hope shall be forbidden?--
+    Striving,--as who hath not the right to strive?--
+  For flaunted gain through perils shrewdly hidden!
+    Oh, labourers hard in Industry's huge hive,
+  What wonder, if, ill-paid and tired, you hasten
+    To follow the loud bauble and the lure,
+  Or gird at those who your wild hopes would chasten,
+    Or guide you on a pathway more secure!
+  And yet beware! No oriflamme of battle
+    Is that false radiance round yon impish brow.
+  The jester's bladder-bauble, with its rattle
+    Of prisoned peas, is not the tow-row-row
+  Of Labour's true _reveille_. Bonnet Phrygian,
+    Cap of sham Liberty, the spectre wears;
+  But he will plunge to depths of darkness Stygian
+    Whom anti-civic Violence ensnares.
+  Plain Justice, honest Hope are good to follow,
+    But Insubordination, fierce and blind,
+  Mouthing out furious threat or promise hollow.
+    Is the sworn foe of civilised mankind;
+  Breaking up ancient bonds of love and duty,
+    All social links that bear abiding test,
+  With no sound promise of a better beauty,
+    A fairer justice, or a truer rest.
+  No; patient Labour, with its long-borne burden
+    And guardian Force, with its thrice-noble trust,
+  Claim from the State the fullest, freest guerdon,
+    And all wise souls, all spirits fair and just,
+  Must back the Great Appeal that Time advances,
+    And Progress justifies in this our time.
+  But civic Violence, in all circumstances
+    Now like to hap, is anti-social crime,
+  Foul in its birth and fatal in its issue.
+    Tyrannic act, incendiary speech,
+  Recklessly rend the subtly woven tissue
+    That binds Society's organs each to each.
+  Strong Toiler, deft Auxiliar, stalwart Warder,
+    Your hour has struck, your tyrants face their doom,
+  But let hot haste unsettle temperate order,
+    And Hope's bright disc will feel eclipse's gloom.
+  This is a lying spirit, sly and sinister,
+    Its promise false, its loud incitements vain.
+  Not to your true advantage shall it minister,
+    Mere Goblin Gold its glittering show of Gain:
+  Spectre of Chaos and the Abyss, it flutters
+    Before you flaunting high its foolish fire,
+  But there's a lie in each loud word it utters,
+    And its true goal is Anarchy's choking mire!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIME THE AVENGER!
+
+On the 24th of June, 1871, _Mr. Punch_ sang, _apropos_ of the Germans
+desiring to purchase Heligoland--
+
+  "Though to rule the waves, we may believe they aspire,
+    If their Navy grow great, we must let it;
+  But if one British island they think to acquire,
+    Bless their hearts, don't they wish they may get it?"
+
+And they _have_ got it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LYING SPIRIT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GRUMBLE FOR THE GRENADIERS.
+
+  What is this your _Punch_ hears of you? Can't you dissipate his fears?
+  Did the bugle ring out vainly for the British Grenadiers?
+  Once the regiment was famous for its deeds of derring-do,
+  And you followed where the flag went when on alien winds it flew.
+  Has the soldiers' "oath of duty" been forgotten, that you shirk,
+  Not the face of foe, we're certain, but this kit-inspecting work?
+
+  You have trodden paths of glory (we have seen your banners fly)
+  Where the murky smoke of battle gathered thickly o'er the sky;
+  Can you thus besmirch the laurels that in other days you won,
+  By forgetfulness of duties that by soldiers must be done?
+  Egad! my gallant lads, your _Punch_ can scarce believe his ears,
+  When he hears this shocking story of the British Grenadiers!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+AT A DANCE.
+
+    The Hostess is receiving her Guests at the head of the
+    staircase; a Conscientiously Literal Man presents himself.
+
+_Hostess_ (_with a gracious smile, and her eyes directed to the people
+immediately behind him_). _So_ glad you were able to come--how do you
+_do_?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_The Conscientiously Literal Man_. Well, if you had asked me that
+question this afternoon, I should have said was in for a severe attack
+of malarial fever--I had all the symptoms--but, about seven o'clock
+this evening, they suddenly passed off, and--
+
+    [Perceives, to his surprise, that his Hostess's attention
+    is wandering, and decides to tell her the rest later in the
+    evening.
+
+_Mr. Clumpsole_. How do you do, Miss THISTLEDOWN? Can you give me a
+dance?
+
+_Miss Thistledown_ (_who has danced with him before_--once). With
+pleasure--let me see, the third extra after supper? Don't forget.
+
+_Miss Brushleigh_ (_to Major Erser_). Afraid I can't give you anything
+just now--but if you see me standing about later on, you can come and
+ask me again, you know.
+
+_Mr. Boldover_ (_glancing eagerly round the room as he enters, and
+soliloquizing mentally_). She ought to be here by this time, if she's
+coming--can't see her though--she's certainly not dancing. There's her
+sister over there with the mother. She _hasn't_ come, or she'd be with
+them. Poor-looking lot of girls here to-night--don't think much of
+this music--get away as soon as I can, no _go_ about the thing!...
+Hooray! There she is, after all! Jolly waltz this is they're playing!
+How pretty she's looking--how pretty _all_ the girls are looking! If
+I can only get her to give me one dance, and sit out most of it
+somewhere! I feel as if I could talk to her to-night. By Jove, I'll
+try it!
+
+    [Watches his opportunity, and is cautiously making his way
+    towards his divinity, when he is intercepted.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_. Mr. BOLDOVER, I do believe you were going to _cut_
+me! (_Mr. B. protests and apologises._) Well, _I_ forgive you. I've
+been wanting to have another talk with you for ever so long. I've
+been thinking so _much_ of what you said that evening about BROWNING'S
+relation to Science and the Supernatural. Suppose you take me
+downstairs for an ice or something, and we can have it out comfortably
+together.
+
+    [Dismay of Mr. B., who has entirely forgotten any theories
+    he may have advanced on the subject, but has no option but to
+    comply; as he leaves the room with Mrs. GRAPPLETON on his
+    arm, he has a torturing glimpse of Miss ROUNDARM, apparently
+    absorbed in her partner's conversation.
+
+_Mr. Senior Roppe_ (_as he waltzes_). Oh, you needn't feel convicted
+of extraordinary ignorance, I assure you, Miss FEATHERHEAD. YOU would
+be surprised if you knew how many really clever persons have found
+that simple little problem of nought divided by one too much for them.
+Would you have supposed, by the way, that there is a reservoir in
+Pennsylvania containing a sufficient number of gallons to supply all
+London for eighteen months? You don't quite realise it, I see. "How
+many gallons is that?" Well, let me calculate roughly--taking
+the population of London at four millions, and the average daily
+consumption for each individual at--no, I can't work it out with
+sufficient accuracy while I am dancing; suppose we sit down, and I'll
+do it for you on my shirt-cuff--oh, very well; then I'll work it out
+when I get home, and send you the result to-morrow, if you will allow
+me.
+
+_Mr. Culdersack_ (_who has provided himself beforehand with a set of
+topics for conversation--to his partner, as they halt for a moment_).
+Er--(_consults some hieroglyphics on his cuff stealthily_)--have you
+read STANLEY'S book yet?
+
+_Miss Tabula Raiser_. No, I haven't. Is it interesting?
+
+_Mr. Culdersack_. I can't say. I've not seen it myself. Shall
+we--er--?
+
+    [They take another turn.
+
+_Mr. C._ I suppose you have--er--been to the (_hesitates between
+the Academy and the Military Exhibition--decides on latter topic as
+fresher_) Military Exhibition?
+
+_Miss T.R._ No--not yet. What do you think of it?
+
+_Mr. C._ Oh--_I_ haven't been either. Er--do you care to--?
+
+    [They take another turn.
+
+_Mr. C._ (_after third halt_). Er--do you take any interest in
+politics?
+
+_Miss T.R._ Not a bit.
+
+_Mr. C._ (_much relieved_). No more do I. (_Considers that he has
+satisfied all mental requirements_). Er--let me take you down-stairs
+for an ice.
+
+    [They go.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_ (_re-entering with_ Mr. BOLDOVER, _after a
+discussion that has outlasted two ices and a plate of strawberries_).
+Well, I thought you would have explained my difficulties better than
+_that_--oh, what a _delicious_ waltz! Doesn't it set you longing to
+dance?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_who sees_ Miss ROUNDARM _in the distance, disengaged_).
+Yes, I really think I must--
+
+    [Preparing to escape.
+
+_Mrs. Grappleton_. I'm getting such an old thing, that really I
+oughtn't to--but well, just this _once_, as my husband isn't here.
+
+    [MR. BOLDOVER resigns himself to necessity once more.
+
+_First Chaperon_ (_to 2nd ditto_). How sweet it is of your eldest girl
+to dance with that absurd Mr. CLUMPSOLE! It's really too _bad_ of him
+to make such an exhibition of her--one can't help smiling at them!
+
+_Second Ch._ Oh, ETHEL never can bear to hurt anyone's feelings--so
+different from some girls! By the way, I've not seen _your_ daughter
+dancing to-night--men who dance are so scarce nowadays--I suppose they
+think they have the right to be a little fastidious.
+
+_First Ch._ BELLA has been out so much this week, that she doesn't
+care to dance except with a really first-rate partner. She is not so
+easily pleased as your ETHEL, I'm afraid.
+
+_Second Ch._ ETHEL is _young_, you see, and, when one is pressed so
+much to dance, one can hardly refuse, _can_ one? When she has had as
+many Seasons as BELLA, she will be less energetic, I daresay.
+
+    [MR. BOLDOVER has at last succeeded in approaching Miss
+    ROUNDARM, and even in inducing her to sit out a dance with
+    him; but, having led her to a convenient alcove, he finds
+    himself totally unable to give any adequate expression to the
+    rapture he feels at being by her side.
+
+_Mr. B._ (_determined to lead up to it somehow_). I--I was rather
+thinking--(_he_ meant _to say, "devoutly hoping," but, to his own
+bitter disgust, it comes out like this_)--I should meet you here
+to-night.
+
+_Miss R._ Were you? Why?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_with a sudden dread of going too far just yet_). Oh,
+(_carelessly_), you know how one _does_ wonder who will be at a place,
+and who won't.
+
+_Miss R._ No, indeed, I don't.--_how_ does one wonder?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_with a vague notion of implying a complimentary exception
+in her case_). Oh, well, generally--(_with the fatal tendency of a shy
+man to a sweeping statement_)--one may be pretty sure of meeting just
+the people one least wants to see, you know.
+
+_Miss R._ And so you thought you would probably meet me. I _see_.
+
+_Mr. B._ (_overwhelmed with confusion, and not in the least knowing
+what he says_). No, no, I didn't think that--I hoped you mightn't--I
+mean, I was afraid you might--
+
+    [Stops short, oppressed by the impossibility of explaining.
+
+_Miss R._ You are not very complimentary to-night, are you?
+
+_Mr. B._ I can't pay compliments--to _you_--I don't know how it is,
+but I never can talk to you as I can to other people!
+
+_Miss R._ Are you amusing when you are with other people?
+
+_Mr. B._ At all events I can find things to say to _them_.
+
+    Enter Another Man.
+
+_Another Man_ (_to_ Miss B.). Our dance, I think?
+
+_Miss R._ (_who had intended to get out of it_). I was wondering if
+you ever meant to come for it. (_To_ Mr. B., _as they rise._) Now
+I shan't feel I am depriving the other people! (_Perceives the
+speechless agony in his expression, and relents._) Well, you can have
+the next after this if you care about it--only _do_ try to think of
+something in the meantime! (_As she goes off._) You will--won't you?
+
+_Mr. B._ (_to himself_). She's given me another chance! If only I can
+rise to it. Let me see--what shall I begin with? _I_ know--_Supper!_
+She hasn't been down yet.
+
+_His Hostess_. Oh, Mr. BOLDOVER, you're not dancing this--do be good
+and take someone down to supper--those poor Chaperons are dying for
+some food.
+
+    [Mr. B. takes down a Matron whose repast is protracted
+    through three waltzes and a set of Lancers--he comes up to
+    find Miss ROUNDARM gone, and the Musicians putting up their
+    instruments.
+
+_Coachman at door_ (_to Linkman, as Mr. B. goes down the steps_).
+That's the _lot_, JIM!
+
+    [Mr. B. walks home, wishing the Park Gates were not shut, to
+    as to render the Serpentine inaccessible_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SHADOWING AT HENLEY REGATTA.
+
+TOBY, M.P., TAKES AN INSTANTANEOUS PHOTOGRAPH WITH HIS DETECTIVE
+CAMERA IN THE BOW OF MR. PUNCH'S BOAT, WITH THE ABOVE EXTRAORDINARY
+RESULT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 7._--Cabinet Council on Saturday;
+House begins to think it's time Ministers made up their minds what
+they're going to do with business of Session. But OLD MORALITY returns
+customary answer. Ministry still carefully considering question.
+Meantime he has nothing to say.
+
+"Except in respect of sex and age, O.M. reminds me." said ALBEBT
+ROLLIT, "of scene in play recently put on stage by BEERBOHM TREE--_A
+Man's Shadow_ it was called. Daresay you remember, TOBY; there's a
+murder witnessed through window by wife and little daughter.
+They think it's their man that did the deed; but 'twas the other
+fellow--the Shadow, don't you know. There is police inquiry; mother
+and daughter cross-examined; believe the murderer is the husband and
+father; saw him do it with their own eyes; but of course not going
+to peach; little girl pressed to tell all she knows; makes answer in
+voice that thrills Gallery, and makes mothers in the Pit weep, 'I have
+seen nothing, I have heard nothing.' Never see OLD MORALITY come to
+the table, as he is now accustomed nightly to do, and protest he has
+no statement to make, than I think of the little TERRY in this Scene,
+and her wailing, piteous cry, 'I have seen nothing, I have heard
+nothing.' Quite time he had, though. If Ministers can't make up their
+minds, what's the House to do? Begin to think if things don't mend
+soon, I shall have a better record of business done to show at end of
+Session than the Ministry. Bankruptcy Bill will make three Measures to
+me this Session."
+
+[Illustration: "THE SHADOWLESS MAN."
+
+(_Latest Irish Edition of the Old German Romance_.)
+
+[In the course of the Debate last Monday week, Mr. DILLON said, "I was
+never shadowed."]]
+
+Irish Constabulary Vote on; Prince ARTHUR lounging on Treasury Bench;
+prepares to receive Irishry; engagement opens a little flat, with
+speech from JOHN ELLIS, oration from O'PICTON, and feeble flagellation
+from FLYNN. Then Prince ARTHUR suddenly, unexpectedly, dashes in.
+Empty benches fill up; stagnant pool stirred to profoundest depths:
+ARTHUR professes to be tolerant of Irish Members, but declares himself
+abhorrent of connivance of Right Hon. Gentleman above Gangway. Talks
+at Mr. G., who begins visibly to bristle before our very eyes as
+he sits attentive on Front Bench. ARTHUR in fine fighting trim;
+Ministerial bark may be labouring in troubled waters; a suddenly
+gathered storm, coming from all quarters, has surrounded, and
+threatens to whelm it; MATTHEWS may be sinking under adversity; the
+Postmen may pull down RAIKES; GOSCHEN is gone; OLD MORALITY'S cheerful
+nature is being soured; there is talk of Dissolution, and death. But
+if this is Prince ARTHUR'S last time of defending his rule in Ireland,
+it shall not be done in half-hearted way. Come storm, come wrack, at
+least he'll die with harness on his back.
+
+The accused becomes the accuser. Called upon to defend himself, he
+turns, and makes a slashing attack on his pursuers, carrying the
+war into their camp. Scorning the Captains and Men-at-arms, he goes
+straight for Mr. G., and in an instant swords clash across the table,
+and shields are dinted. Nothing more delightful than to hear Mr. G.
+complaining, as he rose, and took his coat off, that Prince ARTHUR
+had "dragged him into the controversy." On the whole, he bore the
+infliction pretty well, and went for ARTHUR neck and crop. _Business
+done_.--Irish Votes in Supply.
+
+
+_Tuesday_.--"I have seen nothing; I have heard nothing." Pathetic
+refrain of OLD MORALITY murmured again to-night: Members wanted to
+know about various things; but in OLD MORALITY'S mind, fate of the
+Tithes Bill, intentions of Government touching proposed new Standing
+Order, and allocation of money originally intended for Publicans, all
+a blank. "We are still considering," says he.
+
+"A most considerate Government," says WILFRID LAWSON. "Might save time
+and trouble if they had at table an automatic machine; Members wanting
+to know how business is to be arranged, what Bills to be dropped, and
+which gone forward with, could go up to table, drop a penny in the
+slot, and out would come the answer--'I have seen nothing; I have
+heard nothing.'"
+
+Seems that HANBURY has exceptional means of obtaining information.
+OLD MORALITY has privately shown him Military Report with respect to
+Heligoland. A confidential communication, something of the kind the
+MARKISS carried on with the population of Heligoland. But HANBURY
+straightway goes and tells all about it in a letter to one of his
+Constituents; letter gets into papers. SUMMERS reads it out to House.
+Eagerly thirsting after knowledge on military matters, SUMMERS wants
+also to see the text of Report. Why should HANBURY have it all to
+himself? Quartermaster-General SUMMERS would like opportunity of
+studying it, and forming opinion as to accuracy of the naval and
+military men who have drawn up plan. Will OLD MORALITY favour him
+by placing him on an equality of confidence with HANBURY? No, OLD
+MORALITY will not. Howl of indignant despair from Radicals. Never
+heard of this Report before; but that HANBURY should see it, and
+thereby be enabled to assure his constituents, even by nods and winks,
+that it was all right about Heligoland, was more than they could put
+up with. O'PICTON sat morose at the corner seat below the Gangway.
+Who was HANBURY, that he should have the advantage of studying these
+military documents when the grand-nephew of PICTON of Waterloo was
+left out in the cold, his martial instincts unsatisfied, his knowledge
+of strategical points of the British Empire unsatiated?
+
+Another instance this of the misfortune that pursues the Government.
+Little did OLD MORALITY think, when in moment of weakness he showed
+this important document to HANBURY, what a hornet's nest it would
+bring about his unoffending head.
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Constabulary Vote passed.
+
+
+_Thursday_.--At last OLD MORALITY has heard something and seen
+something. Heard how things went on to-day in Committee on Procedure.
+Worse and worse. Prince ARTHUR made curious blunder for one so alert:
+introduced into draft Report admission of principle that Lords might,
+an they pleased, refuse to consider in current Session, any Bill
+coming up to them from Commons. HARCOURT saw his opportunity; used
+it with irresistible skill and force. Committee adjourned in almost
+comatose state.
+
+This is what OLD MORALITY has heard from JOKIM, who begins to think
+that, after all, life is a serious thing. What he sees is, that it
+is impossible to further delay decision about business. Accordingly
+announces complete surrender. All, all are gone, the old familiar
+faces--Land Purchase Bill, Tithe Bill, and even this later project
+of the new Standing Order. "What, all our pretty chicks?" cry the
+agonised Ministerialists.
+
+"Yes," said OLD MORALITY, mingling his tears with theirs, "our duty to
+our QUEEN and Country demands this sacrifice. But," he added, bracing
+up, significantly eyeing Mr. G., and speaking in dear solemn tones,
+"we reserve to ourselves absolute freedom of action on a future
+occasion." Opposition shouted with laughter, whilst OLD MORALITY stood
+and stared, and wondered what was amusing them now. New Session is,
+according to present intentions, to open in November. Will the Land
+Purchase Bill be taken first? Mr. G. wants to know.
+
+"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, "I have indicated the views of the
+Government as to the Land Purchase Bill, according as those views
+are held at the present time." (Cheers from the Ministerialists.)
+Encouraged by this applause, and, happy thought striking him, went on:
+"But it is impossible for the Government to say what circumstances may
+occur to qualify those views."
+
+Once more Opposition break into storm of laughter; OLD MORALITY again
+regards them with dubious questioning gaze.
+
+"Curious thing, TOBY," he said to me afterwards, "those fellows
+opposite always laugh when I drop in my most diplomatic sentences.
+It's very well for MACHIAVELLI that he didn't live in these times,
+and lead House of Commons instead of the Government of the Florentine
+Republic. He would never have opened his mouth without those Radicals
+and Irishmen going off into a fit of laughter."
+
+_Business done_.--Announcement that business _won't_ be done.
+
+
+_Friday_.--Still harping on Irish Votes. Want to dock Prince ARTHUR'S
+salary. SWIFT MACNEILL brought down model of battering-ram used at
+Falcarragh; holds it up; shows it in working order; Committee much
+interested; inclined to encourage this sort of thing; pleasant
+interlude in monotony of denunciation of Prince ARTHUR and all his
+works; no knowing what developments may not be in store; the other
+night had magic-lantern performance just off Terrace; that all very
+well on fine night; but when it's raining must keep indoors and
+battering-ram suitable for indoor exhibition.
+
+HAVELOCK wanted to borrow it, says he would like to show SCHWANN how
+it works; but MACNEILL couldn't spare it till Irish Votes through.
+
+New turn given to Debate by plaintive declaration from JOHN DILLON
+that he has "never been shadowed." "A difficult lot to deal with,"
+says ARTHUR, gazing curiously at the Shadowless Man. "If they are
+shadowed, they protest; if they're not, they repine."
+
+_Business done_.--Irish Votes in Committee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+
+AT THE ACADEMY SOIREE.
+
+"_How well your Picture bears the artificial light!_" i.e., "Couldn't
+look worse than it does by daylight."
+
+"_Mustn't keep you on the stairs. Such heaps of your friends asking
+for you upstairs_;" i.e., "Got rid of him, thank goodness!"
+
+"_Here you are at last! Been dodging you from room to room!_" i.e.,
+"To keep out of your way. Caught at last, worse luck!"
+
+"_You look as if you had just stepped out of a picture-frame!_" i.e.,
+"Wish you'd step back into one!"
+
+"_Not seen Mr. O'Kew's picture? You_ must _see it. Only three rooms
+from here, and no crowd there now. So go and bring me back word what
+you think_;" i.e., "Now to flee!"
+
+
+AT LORD'S.
+
+"_Yes, I'm so fond of Cricket_;" i.e., "How can I find out if Oxford
+or Cambridge is in?"
+
+"_Don't move, pray_;" i.e., "If she doesn't, I shall be smothered in
+lobster-salad!"
+
+"_Not the least in my way, thanks_;" i.e., "Does she think I can see
+through her parasol?"
+
+"_Pray join us at lunch! Heaps of room in the carriage_;" i.e., "Hope
+she doesn't! It only holds four, and we're six already."
+
+"_Don't they call a hit to the left like that, a Drive?_" i.e.,
+"Young-rich--good-looking--worth catching--looks as if he liked 'sweet
+simplicity.'"
+
+
+ELECTIONEERING.
+
+"_Has at heart the best interests of the Borough_;" i.e., Means to
+subscribe largely to all local clubs and charities.
+
+"_The honour of representing you in Parliament_;" i.e., "The pleasure
+of advertising myself."
+
+"_I should wish to keep my mind open on that subject_;" i.e., "I
+cannot afford to commit myself just yet."
+
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.
+
+"_I have never heard such an astounding argument_;" i.e., "Since I
+last employed it myself."
+
+"_To come to the real question at issue_;" i.e., "To introduce my one
+strong point."
+
+"_I do not pledge myself to these figures_;" i.e., "The next speaker
+will very likely show them to be absolutely unreliable."
+
+
+IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.
+
+"_Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you_;" i.e., "I wasn't
+listening."
+
+"_I rather understood that you were arguing, &c., &c._;" i.e., "You
+are now flatly contradicting yourself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISCIPLINE!
+
+(A FARCICAL TRAGEDY, IN TWO SCENES--NOT LICENSED FOR
+REPRESENTATION.)
+
+
+SCENE I.--THE BARRACK SQUARE. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY, AWAITING
+INSPECTION.
+
+_Captain_ (_to Subaltern_). Have you proved them?
+
+_Subaltern_. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know their places, and
+it is useless labour.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--I daresay they are right. You know we have been
+told to be conciliatory. Open order! March! For inspection--port arms!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Sergeant_ (_stepping forward, and saluting_). Beg pardon, Sir,
+but the men are under the impression that you wish to examine their
+rifles?
+
+_Capt._ Certainly. (_To Subaltern_). Take the rear rank, while I look
+after the front.
+
+_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men haven't taken open order yet.
+They say that they are responsible for their rifles when they have to
+use them before the enemy, and you may rely upon it that they will be
+all right then.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--then we will dispense with inspection of arms.
+Buttons bright, and straps in their proper places?
+
+_Serg._ (_doubtfully_). So they say, Sir.
+
+_Capt._ Well, then, read the orders.
+
+_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know their duty, and
+don't want to listen to no orders.
+
+_Capt._ Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so patriotic. Hope
+that the Commanding Officer will dispense (under the circumstances)
+with the formality. Anything more?
+
+_Serg._ Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told off for duty on
+guard, Sir.
+
+_Capt._ March them off, then.
+
+_Serg._ Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to you.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--bring them up. (Sergeant _obeys_.) Now, men, what
+is it?
+
+_Private Brown_. Please, Sir, I have got a tooth-ache.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--fall out, and go to the doctor.
+
+_Private B._ Please, Sir, I don't want to see no doctor. I can cure
+myself.
+
+_Capt._ Very well--cure yourself. (Private _salutes, and retires._)
+And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what do you want?
+
+_Private Jones_. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told off for
+guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to expect us to do
+sentry-go so soon.
+
+_Capt._ Well, you know your orders.
+
+_Private J._ Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll explain to the War
+Office if there's any row about it!
+
+    [The Privates salute, and retire.
+
+_Capt._ Anything else, Sergeant?
+
+_Sergt._ Well, no, Sir--you see the men won't do anything.
+
+_Capt._ Under those circumstances, I suppose I have only to give the
+usual words of command. Company, attention! Right turn--dismiss!
+
+    [They dismiss.
+
+
+SCENE II.--BEFORE THE ENEMY. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY AWAITING ORDERS
+TO ADVANCE.
+
+_Captain_.--Now, my men, all you have to do is to keep your heads, and
+obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!
+
+_Subaltern_. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded without bayonets.
+
+_Capt._ Well, that's to be regretted; although they are small enough
+nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a thousand yards!
+Ready!
+
+_Sub._ Very sorry. Sir, but the men forgot to bring their ammunition.
+
+_Capt._--Come, this is getting serious! Here's the Cavalry preparing
+to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em off! Right turn!
+
+_Sergeant_. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and don't know
+their right hands from their left.
+
+_Capt._ (_losing his temper_). Confound it! They don't, don't
+they! Well, hang it all, I suppose they will understand this? (_To
+Company._) Here, you pampered useless idiots--bolt!
+
+    [They bolt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CUTTING (transplanted from the advertisements in the _Belfast
+News-Letter_):--
+
+    WANTED, A PARROT: one brought up in a respectable family, and
+    that has not been taught naughty words or bigoted expressions,
+    preferred.--Apply by letter, stating price, &c.
+
+"Preferred!" What sort of a Parrot had they been previously accustomed
+to at that house?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+99, JULY 19, 1890***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11919.txt or 11919.zip *******
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