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diff --git a/old/12305.txt b/old/12305.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2bc04a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12305.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1803 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, +August 16, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, August 16, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 9, 2004 [EBook #12305] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Punch, or the London Charivari, William +Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +August 16, 1890. + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN TYPE WRITER._) + +NO. XVII.--THE SPURIOUS SPORTSMAN. + +There is in sport, as in Society, a class of men who aspire +perpetually towards something as perpetually elusive, which appears +to them, rightly or wrongly, to be higher and nobler than their actual +selves. But whereas a man may be of and in Society, without effort, by +the mere accident of birth or wealth, in sport, properly understood, +achievement of some kind is necessary before admission can be had +to the sacred circle of the elect. What the snob is to Society, the +Spurious Sportsman is to sport; and thus where the former seeks +to persuade the world that he is familiar with the manners, and +accustomed to the intimate friendship of the great and highly placed, +the latter will hold himself out as one who, in every branch of sport +has achieved many notable feats on innumerable occasions. + +Such a man, of course, is not without knowledge on the matters +of which he speaks. He has probably hunted several times without +pleasure, or fished or shot here and there without success. But upon +these slender foundations he could not rear the stupendous fabric +of his deeds unless he had read much, and listened carefully to +the narrations of others. By the aid of a lively and unscrupulous +imagination, he gradually transmutes their experiences into his own. +What he has read becomes, in the end, what he has done, and thus, in +time, the Spurious Sportsman is sent forth into the world equipped +in a dazzling armour of sporting mendacity. And yet mendacity is, +perhaps, too harsh a word; for it is of the essence of true falsehood +that it should hope to be believed, in order that it may deceive. But, +in the Spurious Sportsman's ventures into the marvellous, there is +generally something that gives ground for the exercise of charity, +and the appalled listener may hope that even the narrator is not +so thoroughly convinced of the reality of his exploits as he would, +apparently, desire others to be. And there is this also to be said +in excuse, that sport, which calls for the exercise of some of the +noblest attributes of man's nature, not infrequently leads him into +mean traps and pitfalls. For there are few men who can aver, with +perfect accuracy, that they have never added a foot or two to their +longest shot, or to the highest jump of their favourite horse, and +have never, in short, exaggerated a difficulty in order to increase +the triumph of overcoming it. But the modesty that confines most men +within reasonable limits of untruthfulness has no restraining power +over the Spurious Sportsman, to whom somewhat, therefore, may be +forgiven for the sake of the warning he affords. + +He is, as a rule, a dweller in London, for it is there that he finds +the largest stock of credulity and tolerance. To walk with him in the +streets, or to travel with him in a train, is to receive for nothing +a liberal education in sport. No man has ever shot a greater number +of rocketing pheasants with a more unerring accuracy than he has--in +Pall Mall, St. James's Street, or Piccadilly. He will point out to you +the exact spot where he would post himself if the birds were being +driven from St. James's Square over the Junior Carlton Club. He will +then expatiate learnedly on angle, and swing, and line of flight, +and having raised his stick suddenly to his shoulder, by way of an +example, will knock off the hat of an inoffensive passer-by. This +incident will remind him of an adventure he had while shooting with +Lord X.--"A deuced good chap at bottom; a bit stiff at first, but the +best fellow going when you really know him"--through the well-known +coverts of his lordship's estate. When travelling safely in a +railway-carriage, he is the boldest cross-country rider in existence. +He will indicate to you a fence full of dangers, and having taught you +how it may best be cleared, will add, that it is nothing to one that +he jumped last season with the Quytchley. "My dear Sir," he will say, +"a man who was riding behind me was so astounded that he measured it +then and there with a tape he happened to have with him; Six foot of +post and rail as stiff as an iron-clad, and twenty foot of gravel-pit +beyond." He will also speak with infinite contempt of those who +"crane" or stick to the roads. It will sometimes happen to him to +get invited--really invited--to an actual country house where genuine +sport is carried on. Here, however, he will generally have brought +with him his wrong gun, or his "idiot of a man" will have packed the +wrong kind of cartridges, or his horse will have suddenly developed an +unaccountable trick of refusing, which results in a crushed hat and +a mud-stained coat for his rider. These little accidents will by no +means dash his spirits, or impair his volubility in the smoking-room, +where he may be heard conducting a dull discussion on sporting +records, or carrying on an animated controversy about powder, size of +shot or bore, choke, the proper kind of gaiter, or the right stamp of +horse for the country. Having shot with indifferent results on a very +big day through coverts, he will afterwards aver that such sport is +very poor fun, and that what he really cares about is a tramp over +heather or turnips, and a small bag at the end of the day; but if he +should ever be found on a grouse moor, or a partridge shooting, he +will sneer at the inferior quality of a sport which requires that a +man should exhaust himself with useless walking exercise before he +gets near his birds. "Covert-shooting is the game, my boy;" he will +say, "most difficult thing in the world when the pheasants are tall, +and the finest test of a real sportsman," and with that he will miss +his twentieth grouse, and call down imprecations on the dogs, the +light, the keeper, and his own companions. + +The Spurious Sportsman is often an officer of the auxiliary forces. +He knows by heart every button of the British Army, talks much upon +questions of discipline, and has a more sharply defined and more +permanent mark of sunburn across his forehead than any regular +officer. He is also a great stickler for etiquette, and prefers to be +addressed as Major or Colonel, as the case may be. He bears his rank +upon his visiting-cards, and frequents a military Club. In the society +of other Spurious Sportsmen he is at his best and noblest. They gather +together at their resorts, each with the sincere conviction that +every other member of the little coterie is a confirmed humbug. Yet +they never fail to bring their store of goods, their anecdotes, their +experiences, their adventures, and their feats, to a market where +admiration and applause are paid down with a liberal hand; for though +all know their fellows to be impostors, they are content to sink +this knowledge in the desire to gain acceptance and credence for +themselves, and thus there never comes a whisper of doubt, hesitation, +or disbelief to mar the perfect harmony in which the Spurious +Sportsmen live amongst themselves. Yet, when they have separated, +they never fail to hold one another up to ridicule and contempt. + +The Spurious Sportsman thus spends the greater part of his life in +building up a reputation out of nothing. As time goes on, he becomes +more and more anecdotically experienced, and, if possible, even less +actual. He will have lost his nerve for riding, and a sight which +gets daily weaker will have caused him to abandon even the pretence of +handling his gun; but he will seek a recompense by becoming a sporting +authority, and will pass a doddering old age in lamenting over +the decay of all those qualities which formerly made a sportsman a +sportsman, and a man a man. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +PARLIAMENTARY. + +"_My right honourable and learned friend;_" i.e., "A professional +politician, devoid alike of principle and capacity." + +"_I pass from that matter;_" i.e., "Find it somewhat embarrassing." + +"_I don't know where my honourable friend gets his facts from;_" i.e., +"He should try and get out of his inveterate habit of lying." + +"_A monument of antiquated Norman tyranny_," or, "_A relic of early +English fraud and ignorance;_" i.e., "A statute which I and my Party +wish to repeal." + +"_The most precious constitutional legacy of those who fought and +bled,_" &c., &c.; i.e., Ditto ditto impugned by the opposite Party. + +LEGAL. + +"_I am instructed, my Lord, that this is, in fact, the case;_" i.e., +"I see that, as usual, you have got upon a false scent; but as this +suits the book of my client, the solicitor (whose nod at this moment +may mean anything, and, therefore, why not approval?), I encourage the +mistake." + +LECTURER AT A BATTLE PANORAMA. + +"_It is a well-known historical fact that--;_" i.e., "You needn't +believe a word of it." + +"_A bank of heavy clouds lowers in the horizon;_" i.e., "The black +paint has been laid on thick." + +"_The plain stretches far away;_" i.e., "About five yards." + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON THE 'OLIDAY SEASON. + + Dear CHARLIE,--'Ow are yer, my pippin? 'Ere's 'oliday season come round, + And I'm off on the galoot somewheres, and that pooty soon, you be bound; + But afore I make tracks for dear Parry, or slope for the Scheldt or the + Rhine, + My 'art turns to turmuts and you, and I feel I _must_ drop yer a line. + + _You_ gave me a invite this season, I know, my dear boy. Well, yer see + It's _this_ way. The green tooral-looral's all right, but it 'ardly suits + Me! + When you're well in the swim, my dear CHARLIE, along o' the reglar + _eleet_, + You must do as they do, for a swell, like a Bobby, must stick to his + beat. + + [Illustration: 'ARRY ON THE BOULEVARDS.] + + It's expected, old man, it's expected. Jest fancy me slinging my 'ook + For old Turmutshire, going out nuttin', or bobbing for fish in a brook! + Not _der wriggle_, dear boy, I assure you. Could stars of Mayfair be + content + To round upon Rome or the Riggi, and smug up in Surrey or Kent? + + No fear! Cherry orchards is pooty, and 'ops 'as admirers, no doubt; + But it's only when sport is afoot as the country's worth fussin' about. + Your toff likes the turmuts or stubbles when poultry is there to be shot. + But corn-fields and cabbage-beds, CHARLIE? Way oh! that's all + middle-class rot. + + There wos a time, CHARLIE, I own it, when Richmond 'ud do me to rights. + And a fortnight at Margit meant yum-yum to look for and dream on o' + nights; + I was innercent then, a young geeser, too modest for this world, dear + boy; + Didn't know you'd to do wot was proper, and not what you think you'd + enjoy. + + Ah! _Nobbles obliges_, old pardner, and great is the power of "form"; + Rads may rail at "the clarses" like ginger, but all on us likes to be + "warm," + And rub shoulders with suckles more shiny. Wy, life's greatest pulls, + dont cherknow, + Are to look up to sparklers above us, and down on poor duffers below. + + 'Ardly know wich is lummiest, swelp me! It's nuts to 'ook on to a swell, + Like I did at a Primrose meet lately with sweet Lady CLARE CARAMEL. + When her sunshade shone red on my face, mate, me givin' my arm through + the crush, + Wy I felt like Mong Blong in the mornin', and looked like a bride, one + big blush. + + NODDY SPRIGGINS, _he_ spotted me, CHARLIE,--him being left out in the + cold,-- + And to see him sit down on his topper, and turn off as yaller as gold, + Wos as good as a pantermime. Oh! if there's one thing more nicer than + pie, + It's to soar like a bird in the sight of the flats as can't git on the + fly. + + But I'm wandering, CHARLIE, I'm wandering. 'Oliday form is my text. + Last year it was Parry and Switzerland; 'ardly know where to go next. + I should much like to try Monty Carlo, and 'ave a fair flutter for once, + But I fear it won't run to it, pardner; my boss is the dashdest old + dunce. + + _Won't_ raise me to three quid a week, the old skinflint. Though + travelling's cheap, + It do scatter the stamps jest a few, if you don't care to go on the + creep. + Roolette might jest set me up proper, but then, dontcherknow, it might + _not_, + And I fear I should come back cleared out, if my luck didn't land me a + pot. + + Oh, dash them spondulicks! The pieces is all as I wants for _my_ 'elth. + And then them darned Sosherlist jugginses 'owl till all's blue agin + Wealth. + It gives me the ditherums, CHARLIE; it do, dear old man, and no kid. + Wy, they 'd queer the best pitches in life, if they kiboshed the Power + of the Quid! + + There's Venice again! I could start this next week with a couple o' pals; + But yer gondoler's 'ardly my form, and I never wos nuts on canals. + WAGGLES says _they_'re not like the Grand Junction, as creeps sewer-like + through our parks; + Well, WAGGLES may sniff; I'm not sure, up to now, mate, as Venice means + larks. + + 'Arf a mind to try Parry once more. It's a place as you soon git to love; + There is always some fun afoot there, as will keep a chap fair on the + shove. + Pooty scenery's all very proper, but glaciers and snow-peaks do pall, + And as to yer bloomin' Black Forests, the _Bor der Boolong_ beats 'em + all. + + After all, there is something quite 'ome-like in Parry--so leastways I + think; + It's a place where you don't seem afraid to larf 'arty, or tip gals the + wink; + Sort o' _san janey_ feeling about it, my pippin'--you know wot I mean. + You don't feel _too_ fur from old Fleet Street, steaks, "bitter," and + "_God Save the Queen!_" + + When your Britisher travels, he travels, but likes to be Britisher still; + With his _Times_ and his "tub" he is 'appy; without 'em he's apt to feel + ill. + Wy, when I was last year in Parry, I went for a Bullyvard crawl + One night arter supper, when who should I spot but my pal BOBBY BALL. + + He wos doin' the gay at a Caffy, was BOB, _petty vair_, and all that, + Togged up to the nines with his claw-hammer, cuff-shooters, gloves, and + crush-hat. + "Wot cheer, BOBBY, old buster!" I bellered; and up from his paper he + looks. + Ah! and didn't we 'ave a rare night on it, CHARLIE! We both know _our_ + books. + + But wot do you think BOB was reading? _The Times_! I could twig it at + once. + He might 'ave 'ung on to _Gil Blars_, or the _Figgero_,--BOB ain't a + dunce-- + But lor! not a bit on it, CHARLIE; the Britisher stuck out to rights; + 'Twas JOHN BULL's big, well-printed old broad-sheet! Jest one of the + pootiest sights! + + TORTONI'S is all very spiffing, the Bullyvard life is A 1, + And the smart little journals of Parry, though tea-paper rags, is good + fun; + But a Briton abroad _is_ a Briton; _chic_, spice, azure pictures, rum + crimes, + Is all very good biz in their way, but they do not make up for our + _Times_! + + Well, I'm not on for Turmutshire, CHARLIE, not this time; and now you + know why. + Carn't yer jest turn the tables, old hoyster, and come for a bit of a + fly? + Cut the chawbacons, run up to London, jine _me_, and we'll pal off to + Parry; + And if yer don't find it a 'Oliday Skylark, wy, never trust. + + 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +VICE VERSA.--The French Ministers are away from Paris for their +vacation. M. DEVELLE, it is said, has gone to La Bourboule. This is +better for the place than La Bourboule going to the Develle. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HER FIRST WASP. + +_Poor Effie_ (_who has been stung_). "FIRST IT WALKED ABOUT ALL OVER +MY HAND, AND IT _WAS_ SO NICE! BUT OH!--_WHEN IT SAT DOWN!_"] + + * * * * * + +THE GERMAN HINTERLAND. + +(_NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE._) + + Where is the German _Hinterland_? + Wherever on a foreign strand + There lies a handy sea-coast track, + With fertile country at its back, + On which to lay a Teuton hand; + _There_ is the German _Hinterland_! + + Where is the German _Hinterland_? + Wherever commerce can expand, + Without much danger or expense, + O'er someone's "sphere of influence,"-- + That "someone" failing to withstand-- + _There_ is the German _Hinterland_! + + * * * * * + +A PUZZLE.--The Dunlo case came to an end. Miss BELLE BILTON remains +Lady DUNLO--and quite right too. Yet, if she is still the wife of Lord +DUNLO, how is it that she is engaged to AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS? Yet +such is the fact. Is she to be the Belle of the Beauty and the Beast +(Pantomime)? If so, her Ladyship will look splendid, as she is a Belle +Built 'un. + + * * * * * + +PROVERBIAL PARLIAMENTARY PHILOSOPHY.--"The course of business never +did run smooth."--W.H. SMITH. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The paper on "Old Q.," in the _Gentleman's Magazine_, by EDWARD +WALFORD, M.A., is interesting up to a certain point, but after that +disappointing. "_Oliver_," says the Baron, impersonating _Oliver_ for +the time being, "asks for more." And much the same observation have I +to make on another paper about _Irish Characters in English Dramatic +Literature_, by W.J. LAWRENCE. Although the writer ranges from +SHAKESPEARE to BOUCICAULT, and mentions authors, plays, and actors, +yet he has omitted HUDSON who, after POWER and, before BOUCICAULT, +was, in his own particular line, one of the best delineators of Irish +character on the stage. He played chivalrous parts that BOUCICAULT +would not have attempted. There are historical Irish types still to be +represented; and when Irish melodrama, with its secret plots, murders, +wicked land-agents, jovial muscular-christian priests, comic male +peasants, and pretty and virtuous female ditto, shall have taken a +rest for a while, Irish Comedy may yet have its day. + +[Illustration: "_Scin Loeca_."] + +The very best letter I have ever seen on this important subject +appeared August 9th, written by that eminent author, who makes a +vain attempt at concealing his identity under the signature of +"ARCHIMILLION," and addressed to the Great Journalistic Twin +Brethren, the Editorial Proprietors and Proprietorial Editors of +_The Whirlwind_, whose Court Circular reporter (this by the way) +might appropriately adopt the historic name of "BLASTUS, the King's +Chamberlain." The argument in ARCHIMILLION'S remarkable letter is +decidedly sound. But surely he is wrong in supposing that the +_astral reverberation of the podasma_ (one in six) _could possibly be +ratiocinated on the coleoptic intensity!_ Perhaps he will deny that +he ever said so. _But did he mean it?_ To me this has been the sweet +familiar study of a lifetime, and, without boastful egoism, I may +say I am considered, by all who know anything about the matter, a +first-rate authority on this subject, or on any other, says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +TIT FOR TAT! + +(_FROM A HISTORY OF ENGLAND, TO BE WRITTEN IN THE TWENTIETH CENTURY._) + +The Intelligent Foreigner carefully picked his way amongst the ruins +to Downing Street, and was soon in consultation with the Premier. + +"This merely is a call of courtesy," he observed; "of course I am not +in the least bound to give you notice, but think it civil to do so." + +The British Premier bowed, as if inviting farther particulars. + +"Well, O-HANG-HIT and I have settled everything," continued the +Visitor; "he takes the Isle of Wight, while I assume the Protectorate +of Scotland, India, and the Channel Islands." + +"What!" exclaimed the British Premier, aghast at the information. "And +what if we resist?" + +"Resist!" laughed the New Zealander, "Why that would cost a halfpenny +in the pound more Income Tax, and your rate-payers would never submit +to that! Besides, our disease-spreading torpedoes (to which our own +people are acclimatised) would soon silence opposition!" + +"Very true," returned the British Premier, sorrowfully, "very true, +indeed. Well, and what next?" + +"Then O-HANG-HIT has a monopoly of English Beer, and we consent to the +cession of Gibraltar to DUNT-KAR-ACUSSER. The simplest thing in the +world!" + +"But where do I come in?" asked the Briton. + +"Oh, _you_ don't come in at all. But don't be alarmed, we are only +contributing our quota to the glorious cause of Peace!" And the +Intelligent Foreigner showed the British Premier a report of a speech +made by Lord SALISBURY, at the Mansion House, on August 6, 1890. + + * * * * * + +TRANSCENDENTAL NEOPHYTE.--Mr. JOHN BURNS has joined the Kabbylists. + + * * * * * + +OUR YOTTING YORICK. + +DEAR EDITOR, + +How can I send you "a sketch of anything I see," when I haven't +seen anything for the last twenty-four hours. Impossible! utterly +impossible! You simply want me to do impossibilities, and I am only +mortal. _Voila_! I don't complain; I only say I can't draw what +I don't see; and as to sending funny sketches when it's raining +in torrents, and been doing so for the last forty-eight hours +three minutes and twenty-one and a-half seconds, I'm--well, I +can't--_simplement_. Torrents of rain. Anyone can draw water--but draw +rain! Yes, when on horseback, I can draw rein. Good that, "when you +come to think of it,"--considering that I'm 1900 miles from an English +joke, so that this you may say is far-fetched, only 'tisn't fetched +at all, as I send it. Think I've left out an "0," and it's 19,000. _It +seems like it_. Here we are in Petersburg. Mist's cleared off. We're +anchored close to Winter Palace, and I've just seen a droschki-driver, +whom I sketch. Not unlike old toy Noah's-Ark man, eh? Something +humorous at last, thank Heaven! But did I come 1900 miles to see this? +Well, "Neva no more!" + +[Illustration: Droschki-Driver.] + +Mister Skipper says I ought to go to the _Petershoff_. All very well +to say so, but where is _Peter_, and now far is he "hoff"? That's +humorous, I think, eh? You told me to go and "pick up bits of Russian +life," and so I'm going to do it at the risk of my own, I feel sure, +for I never saw such chaps as these soldiers, six feet three at the +least, every man Jackski of 'em, and broad out of all proportion. +However, I'll go on shore, and try to get some fun out of the +Russians, if there's any _in_ them. If I'm caught making fun of +these soldiers, _I shouldn't have a word to say for myself_! The +Skipper says that he's heard that the persecution of the Jews has +just begun again. Cruel shame, but I daren't say this aloud, _in +case_ anyone should understand just that amount of English, and +_then_--whoopski!--the knout and Siberia! So I'll say "_nowt_." Really +humorous _that_, I'm sure, and 19,000 miles from England. + +To-day--I don't know what to-day is, having lost all count of time--is +a great day with the Russians. I don't understand one word they +say, and as to reading their letters--I mean the letters of their +alphabet--that is if they've got one, which I very much doubt,--why I +might as well be a blind man for all I can make out. Somehow I rather +think that it's the Emperor's birthday. Guns and bells all over the +place. Guns going off, bells going on. Tremendous crowds everywhere. +"I am never so lonely," as somebody said, "as when I'm in a +crowd." That's just what I feel, especially when the crowd doesn't +talk a single word of English. The Russians are not ill-favoured +but ill-flavoured, that is, in a crowd. I cheered with them, +"Hiphiphurrahski! Hipski! Hurrah-ski!" What I was cheering at I +don't know, but I like to be in it, and when at Petersburg do as the +Petersburgians do. + +Having strayed away from our yachting party, or yachting party having +strayed away from me, I found myself (_they_ didn't find me though; +they _have_ been finding me in wittles and drink during the whole +of the voyage,--humorous again, eh? It's _in_ me, only there's a +depression in the Baltic. Why call it Baltic? Nobody on board knows) +outside the fortress of St. Peter and St. Paul. I daresay there's +some legend about their having built it, but, as I remarked before, +my knowledge of the Russian tongue is limited to what I get _dried +for breakfast_, and that doesn't go far when there are many more +than myself alongside the festive board--and so I couldn't get +any explanation. But I managed to sneak inside the fortress--and +then,--_lost my way_!!! Couldn't get out. "If you want to know +your way, ask a Policeman" in London, and, in St. Petersburg, ask a +Bobbiski. Here's one with a sword--at least, I think he's one. I said, +"Please, Sir, which way?" Then I tried him with French--"_Ou est_," +says I, "_le chemin pour aller_ out of (I couldn't remember the French +for 'out of') _cette_ confounded fortress?" He wouldn't understand +me. I tipped him a wink--I tipped him a two-shilling piece. It wasn't +enough I suppose, as he called another fellow. The other chap came +up,--what _he_ was I don't know--but suddenly, from their awful +manner, their frowns, and violent expressions, it occurred to me, +"Hang it all! they take me for a Jew!" Never was so alarmed. With +great presence of mind I pointed to my nose--they saw the point at +once. Then the pair of them marched me off ("to Siberia," thinks I! +and I wondered how far we should have to walk!) to the courtyard, +where I had entered, and then passed me through the gate on to the +road again. Then I fled to the yacht!! Away! Away! + +[Illustration: Policeman.] + +Never will I venture out of the yacht again, until I can do so safely. +Expect me back soon. Ah, what an escape!--to think I might have +languished for the best of my days in irons or in the mines out in +Siberia, like _Rip Van Winkle_, or the Prisoner of Chillon, who dug +himself out with his nails (when I was a boy I remember it, and tried +to do it in the garden), and came up with a long beard when everyone +was dead and gone. I may return as a stowaway, but anyhow expect me, +and prepare the fatted outlet. That's humorous, isn't it, eh? + +[Illustration: "Suddenly from their awful manner, their frowns, and +violent expressions, it occurred to me, 'Hang it all! They take me for +a Jew!"'--_Extract from Letter from Our Yotting Yorick_.] + +Yours, JETSAM, THE Y.Y. + +19,000 miles away too! Just imagine! + + * * * * * + +AUTOMATIC PROGRESS. + +The Proprietors of the "Automatic Chair" having had reason to think +their invention such a success that they have turned it into a +Company, a stimulus has been given to ingenuity in this direction, +with the result that the following prospective advertisement, or +something very much like it, may shortly be expected to see the +light:-- + +THE AUTOMATIC FURNITURE SUPPLY ASSOCIATION, started for the purpose of +meeting the daily-increasing demand for self-acting and trouble-saving +appliances in the domestic arrangements of the modern household, beg +to inform their patrons that they are now able to supply them with + +THE AUTOMATIC FOUR-POSTER.--This ingeniously constructed piece of +furniture will tuck up the occupant, rock him to sleep, and pitch him +out on to the floor at a given hour in the morning, thoroughly waking +him by the operation, when it will of its own accord fold itself +up into a conveniently-shaped parcel, not bigger than an ordinary +carriage umbrella. The Association further desire to inform their +patrons that they have also invented a + +PATENT AUTOMATIC SHOWER-BATH AND WASH-HAND-STAND, that will forcibly +seize the user, thoroughly souse him from head to foot, scrub, wash, +and dry him. Finally folding itself up into a convenient lounge, on +which he can complete his toilette at leisure. They also are prepared +to supply their + +AUTOMATIC DINNER-TABLE AND APPETITE COMBINED, upon taking a seat at +which, the diner will be immediately served with a course consisting +of soup, fish, joint, and vegetables, choice of _entrees_, sweets, +cheese, and celery, with an appetite to enable him to relish the +repast as it proceeds. After-dinner speeches, phonographically +introduced, can be supplied at a slight additional charge. They, +moreover, have in hand an + +AUTOMATIC BUTLER-DETECTING SIDEBOARD, which, by an ingenious +contrivance, on the Butler opening it for the purpose of helping +himself to a glass of wine, instantly blows up with a loud explosion, +that obliges him to desist in his design. But their chief triumph is +their + +AUTOMATIC AND MECHANICAL SHAREHOLDER, who, immediately on being shown +the Prospectus, puts his name down for the required number of Shares +as indicated to him. This last the Association regard as a great +success, but they have several other startling novelties in active +preparation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RISING TO THE SITUATION! + +(_Scene from a well-mounted Drama._)] + + * * * * * + +STARS IN THE STRAND; OR, THE HORSE AND THE LADY. + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +One of the greatest attractions in Town to the Country Cousin I need +scarcely say is the Theatre. Speaking for myself, it is the place +I earliest visit when I get to London, and consequently I was not +surprised to find myself the other evening in the Adelphi, on the +first night of a new play. As an Irishman might guess, from its name +(_The English Rose_), the piece is all about Ireland. Both State and +Church are represented therein--the former by a comic sergeant of the +Royal Constabulary, and the latter by a priest, who wears a hat in the +first Act that would have entirely justified his being Boycotted. The +plot is not very strong, and suggests recollections of the _Flying +Scud, Arrah Na Pogue_, and _The Silver King_. The acting is fairly +satisfactory, the cast including a star, supported by an efficient +company. The star is a horse that pranced about the stage in the most +natural manner possible, carefully avoiding the orchestra. In spite, +however, of his anxiety to keep out of the stalls, suggestive as they +were (but only in name) of the stable, some little alarm was created +in the neighbourhood of the Conductor, which did not entirely subside +until the fall of the curtain. But the sagacious steed knew its +business thoroughly well, and was indeed an admirable histrion. +Only once, at the initial performance, did this intelligent creature +remember its personality, and drop the public actor in the private +individual. The occasion was when it had to put its head out of a +loose-box to listen to the singing of a serio-comic song by a lady, +dressed as a "gossoon." For a few minutes the talented brute made a +pretence of eating some property foliage, and then, catching sight +of the audience, it deliberately _counted the house!_ I regret to +add that, in spite of the valuable support afforded by this useful +member of the Messrs. GATTI's Company, its name did not appear in the +playbill. + +[Illustration: A BREAKDOWN AT THE LYCEUM! + +(_Imported from the Gaiety._)] + +A few evenings later I had a second time the advantage of being +present at a first night's performance. The occasion was, the +production of _The Great Unknown_, by AUGUSTIN DALY's Company of +Comedians. I found the piece described as a "new eccentric Comedy," +but, beyond a certain oddness in the distribution of the characters +of the cast, did not notice much novelty or eccentricity. The life +and soul of the evening's entertainment was Miss ADA REHAN, a talented +lady, who (so I was told) has made her mark in _Rosalind_, in _As You +Like It_, and _Katharina_, in the _Taming of the Shrew._ I can quite +believe that Miss REHAN is a great success in parts of the calibre +of the Shakspearian heroines I have mentioned; nay, more, I fancy she +would do something with _Lady Macbeth_, and be quite in her element +as _Emilia_, in _Othello_. But, as she had to play an _ingenue_, aged +eighteen, in _The Great Unknown_, she was not quite convincing. It +was a very good part. In the First Act she had to coax her papa, and +flirt with her cousin; in the second, to respond to a declaration of +love with a burst of womanly feeling; and, in the third, to play the +hoyden, and dance a breakdown. All this was done to perfection, but +not by a young lady of eighteen. Miss ADA REHAN was charming, but +looked, and I fancy felt, many years older than her legal majority. +I question whether she was an _ingenue_ at all, but, if she were, she +was an _ingenue_ of great and varied experience. When Mrs. BANCROFT +appeared as the girl-pupil in _School_, she was the character to the +life; but when Miss REHAN calls herself _Etna_, throws herself on +sofas, and hugs a man with less inches than herself, we cannot but +feel that it is very superior play-acting, but still play-acting. Take +it all round, I was delighted with the lady at the Lyceum, and the +horse at the Adelphi, and nearly regret that, having to leave town, I +shall not have the opportunity of seeing either of them again. + +Yours faithfully. A CRITIC FROM THE COUNTRY. + + * * * * * + +A HOLIDAY APPEAL. + + [Last year Mrs. JEUNE'S "Country Holiday Fund" was the means + of sending 1,075 poor, sickly, London children for a few weeks + into the country, averting many illnesses saving many lives, + and imparting incalculable happiness. Mrs. JEUNE makes appeal + for pecuniary assistance to enable her to continue this + unquestionably excellent work.] + + It is Holiday Time, and all such as can _pay_, + For the Summer-green country are up and away; + But what of the poor pale-faced waifs of the slums? + Oh, the butterfly flits, and the honey-bee hums + O'er the holt and the heather, the hill and the plain, + But they flit and they hum for Town's children in vain; + Unless--ah! _unless_--there is hope in that word!-- + Mrs. JEUNE'S kindly plea by the Public is heard. + Heard? Everyone feels 'tis a duty to listen. + The eyes of the children will sparkle and glisten, + In hope of the beauty, at thought of the fun, + For they know their kind champion, and what she has done, + And is ready to do for them all once again, + If folks heed her appeal. Shall she make it in vain? + Three weeks in the country for poor BOB and BESS! + Do you know what _that_ means, wealthy cit? Can you guess, + Dainty lady of fashion, with "dots" of your own, + Bright-eyed and trim-vestured, well-fed and well-grown? + Well, BOBBY'S a cripple, and BESS has a cough, + Which, untended, next winter may "carry her off," + As her folks in their unrefined diction declare; + They are dying, these children, for food and fresh air, + And their slum is much more like a sewer than a street, + Whilst their food is--not such as your servants would eat; + Were they housed like your horses, or fed like your dogs. + They would think themselves lucky; _that's_ how the world jogs! + But three weeks in the country! Why, that would mean joy, + And new life for the girl, and fresh strength for the boy. + The meadow would heal them, the mountain might save, + _Won't_ you give them a chance on the moor, by the wave? + Why, of course! _You_ have only to know, _Punch_ to ask, + And you'll jump at the job as a joy, not a task! + Come, delicate dame, City CROESUS rotund, + And assist Mrs. JEUNE'S "Country Holiday Fund!" + _Mr. Punch_ asks, _for her_, your spare cash, and will trouble you + _To send it to Thirty-seven, Wimpole Street, W.!_ + + * * * * * + +THE EMPIRE IS PIECE, OR, RATHER, BALLET. + +Now that the weather is so uncertain, that one day it may be as sultry +as the tropics, and the next suggestive of Siberia, it is as well +to know where to go, especially when _al fresco_ entertainments are +impossible. To those who are fond of glitter tempered with good +taste, something suitable to their requirements is sure to be found +at the Empire. At this moment (or, rather, every evening at 10:30 +and 9) there are two excellent ballets being played there, called +respectively _Cecile_ and the _Dream of Wealth_. The first is dramatic +in the extreme, and the last, with its precious metals and harmonious +setting, is worth its weight in notes--musical notes. There is plenty +of poetry in both spectacles--the poetry of motion. Further, as +containing an excellent moral, it may be said that this pair of +spectacles is suitable to the sight of everyone, from Materfamilias +up from the country to Master JACKY home for his Midsummer holidays. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BANK HOLIDAY SPORTS. "KISS-IN-THE-RING." + +"NONE BUT THE FAIR DESERVE THE BRAVE."] + + * * * * * + +THE CLOSE OF THE INNINGS. + + _Bowler_. Over at last! + + _Wicket-keeper._ Humph! Yes, but not "all out!" + Time's up! All glad to leave the field, no doubt; + But _I_'m not satisfied. + + _Bowler._ You never are! + + _Wicket-keeper._ Some thought you, when you joined the team, a star, + Equal, at least, to SPOFFORTH, FERRIS, TURNER, + Yet sometimes you have bowled like a school-learner. + + _Bowler._ That's most discouraging! Come now, I say, + You know that every Cricketer has "his day," + Whilst the best bat or trundler may be stuck. + And, though he try his best, be "out of luck." + Ask W.G. himself! Early this season + He couldn't score, for no apparent reason. + Now look at him! Almost as good as ever! + + _Wicket-keeper._ Well, ye-e-s! But you were thought so jolly clever. + To me it seems 'tis your idea of Cricket + To smash the wicket-keeper--not the wicket. + Look at my hands! They're mostly good to cover me; + With _you_, by Jingo, I need pads all over me! + + _Bowler._ Oh, well, you know, fast bowling, with a break, + Not every wicket-keeper's game to take. + You are not quite a SHERWIN or a WOOD, + Or even a McGREGOR. You're no good + At bowling that has real "devil" in it. + + _Wicket-keeper._ The--dickens I am not! Just wait a minute! + I have stood up to GRANDOLPH at his wildest. + You know _his_ pitch and pace; not quite the mildest, + Scarce equal, certainly, to "demon" DIZZY, + But when he's on the spot he keeps one busy. + It's not your "devil," JOKIM, that I dread; + That's easy, when you're "bowling with your head," + But when you sling them in, as you've done lately, + Swift but _not_ straight, why, then you vex me greatly. + Your pet fast bumpy ones, wide of the wicket, + Perhaps look showy, but they are not Cricket. + + _Bowler._ Oh, bother! You're the crossest of old frumps. + Why, bless you, SMITH, I stood behind the stumps + Long before you put gloves on! + + _Wicket-keeper._ I dare say, + But when we took you in our team to play + 'Twas for your bowling. I don't want to scoff + At chance bad luck, but you have not come off! + Now, BALFOUR doesn't give "no balls" and "wides," + Or make it hot for knuckles, shins, and sides, + As you've been doing lately. "Extras" mount + When you are bowling, and your blunders count + To our opponents,--not to mention _me_. + Although two broken fingers, a bruised knee, + A chin knocked out of shape, and one lost tooth + Are trying little items, to tell truth. + + _Bowler._ Hang it! If you're so sweet on ARTHUR B., + Try him next Season, but don't chivey _me_! + + [_Goes off huffily._ + + _Wicket-keeper_ (_to Umpire_). I take them without flinching. Umpire, + don't I? + I'll do my duty to my Team and County + As long as I've a knuckle in its place; + I have not many--look! And see my face! + No, when the game's renewed, JOKIM must try + To keep the wicket clearly in his eye, + Not the poor wicket-keeper, or you'll see + "Retired, hurt" will be the end of Me! + + * * * * * + +AN OLD RAILWAY AND A NEW LINE. + +At the last General Meeting of the L.C. & D., their Chairman made one +of his best speeches. Prospects were bright, and hearts were light, +just to drop into poetry. Sir E. WATKIN, _alias_ S. Eastern WATKIN, +had some time ago been assured judicially of the fact that Folkestone +meant Folkestone as clearly as Brighton means Brighton, or Ramsgate +means Ramsgate, and the two great Companies were, it was hoped, soon +to come to an agreement and live happily ever afterwards. Among other +plans for the future, the popular and astute Chairman more than +hinted that the day was not far distant when, in consequence of the +increasing patronage bestowed on the improved third-class carriages, +the trains of the L.C. & D. Company would be made up of first and +third, and the middle class would be out of it altogether. This will +be a blow to those whose travelling motto has hitherto been "_In medio +tutissimus ibis._" But, on the other hand, if the second-class be +dropped, the L.C. & D. can adopt the proud motto, "_Nulli Secundus_." +_Mr. Punch_, Universal Managing Director, in charge of thousands of +lines, wishes them the benefit of the omen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CLOSE OF THE INNINGS. + +W.H.S. (_Wicket-keeper_). "TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, UMPIRE:--IF THE +BOWLING'S GOING TO BE AS WILD--NEXT INNINGS--AS THIS, I SHALL '_RETIRE +HURT_'!"] + + * * * * * + +"LEBE WOHL! HELGOLAND!" + +(_AN INCIDENT OF THE CESSION--HITHERTO UNREPORTED_.) + +[Illustration] + +The Representative of BRITANNIA'S Might had departed in appropriate +state, and the German Emperor had reached his destination. The new +landlord was most anxious to take possession. He was all impatience +to appear before his recently-acquired subjects, to show to them the +Military Uniform he had assumed after discarding that garb he loved +so well--the _grande tenue_ of an Honorary Admiral of the Fleet in +the service of VICTORIA, Queen, Empress, and Grandmother. There was +a consultation on board the _Hohenzollern_, and then a subdued German +cheer. The Chief Naval Officer approached His Majesty, cocked-hat in +hand. + +"Sire," he said, falling on one knee; "all is now ready." + +"But why has there been this delay?" asked WILLIAM THE SECOND, in a +tone of imperial command. + +"Sire, we could not find the island. Unhappily we had mislaid--" and +then the naval officer paused-- + +"Your charts and field-glasses?" queried His Majesty. + +"No, Sire," was the reply. Then, after some hesitation, the chief of +the German sailors continued, "The fact is, Your Majesty, I had lost +my microscope, and--" But further explanation was drowned in the sound +of saluting artillery. And the remainder of the day was devoted (by +those who could find room on the island) in equal proportions to smoke +and enthusiasm. + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN PROPHET._) + +Last week I published a dispatch conveying to me the exalted approval +of H.S.H. the Grand Duke of PFEIFENTOPF. The closing words of +His Serene Highness's gracious letter informed me that I had been +appointed a Knight of the Honigthau Order, one of the most ancient +and splendid orders known to chivalry. + +When HUNDSVETTER VON VOGELANG, of whom the ancient Minnesingers relate +that in his anger he was wont to breathe forth fire from his mouth +and smoke from his nostrils, when, as I say, the valiant and gigantic +HUNDSVETTER, with his band of faithful retainers (amongst whom one +of our own CAVENDISHES--_der Zerschnittens_ as they called him, found +a place), was assailed in his ancestral Castle of Meerschaum by the +wild hordes of the Turkish Zig-'arets, it is said that, with one +aged attendant, he mounted the topmost tower, prepared, if no sign of +succour showed itself, to cast himself to the ground or perish in the +attempt. But just as he had hurled his seneschal over the battlements, +in order, as he playfully observed, to make the falling softer, his +eye was arrested by a wreath of smoke in the middle distance. "May I +perish," said the gallant but sorely-reduced Teuton warrior, "if that +be not the war-sign of my uncle PFEIFENTOPF." Hastening downstairs, he +apprised his followers that succour was at hand. Armed with _klehs_, +they made a desperate sally, and, having taken the Zig-'arets between +two fires, utterly extinguished them. That night HUNDSVETTER'S only +daughter, the lovely and accomplished BREIA, was solemnly married +by the Archbishop of TAeNDSTICKOR, assisted by the Rev. WILHELM +SCHWANZPUDEL and the Rev. CONRAD RATTENZAHN, cousin of the bride, to +the K.K. OBERPOTZTAUSENDER VON THUTWEH, the leader of PFEIFENTOPF'S +advance-guard. The bride's going-away dress was composed of a simple +bodice of best Sheffield steel, with a gown of Bessemer composite +to match, and, in honour of the event, the Honigthau Order was +ceremoniously founded. + +I have cited this tale at length, because some carping, malevolent +scribes have dared to insinuate, actually to insinuate in print, that +the Grand Duke and his Order have no existence. To these jelly-faced +purveyors of balderdash I only say this:--_How, if His Serene Highness +be a myth, could I receive from him the letter I published last week?_ +But, to make assurance doubly sure, I sent the following dispatch +to the Grand Duke:--"Mooncalves cast anserous doubts on your serene +existence, and on that of Order. Kindly make me Grand Cross, and +send decoration in diamonds.". To this I have received the following +reply:--"You are Grand Cross made. Order _mit diamenten und +perlen_ now is being at the post-office by my Grand Chamberlain for +transmission abroad registered." + +This should strike detraction dumb, I propose also to publish a +selection of congratulations from other Continental potentates, but +of this, as SHAKSPEARE says, Anon, anon! + +Permit me, in the meantime, to go half-way towards revealing my +identity by adopting a pseudonym drawn from an immortal work, and +subscribing myself prophetically yours (and the public's), + +TIPPOO TIP. + + * * * * * + +A NEW PLAGUE. + +SIR,--I understand that those who suffer oppression are permitted +to turn to you for relief, and I am told, further, that there is no +wrong which you are unable to remedy. Listen for a few moments to my +tale of woe, and then say if you can strike a blow on my behalf. I +am an author, that is to say, I have written a book, and have lately +published it at my own expense. I was told by a friend of mine, who +has some experience in these matters (he is the Sporting Correspondent +of the _Fortnightly Glass of Fashion_), that it would be well for me +to make some arrangement with my publishers as to Royalty. I therefore +gave orders that presentation copies, suitably bound, were to be +forwarded to Her Gracious MAJESTY and the rest of the Royal Family, +including, of course, the Duke of CLARENCE. My publisher seemed +surprised, but offered no objection, and I was therefore able to +congratulate myself on having successfully smoothed over a difficulty +which, if I am to believe Mr. WALTER BESANT, too often troubles the +young author. This, however, is neither here nor there. I merely +mention the incident to show that I am not altogether lacking in +_savoir faire_. + +As I said, I am an author. My book is a romance entitled, _The +Foundling's Farewell_. Of course you have heard of it. It is +blood-curdling but sympathetic, romantic but realistic, pathetic and +sublime. The passage, for instance, in which the Duke of BARTLEMY +repels the advances of the orphan charwoman is--but you have read it, +and I need not therefore enlarge further upon it. After it had been +published two days, I began to look eagerly into all the daily and +weekly papers for critical notices of my _magnum opus_. I persisted +for a fortnight, and failing to see any, wrote an angry letter to my +publishers. On that very day the last post brought me three letters +in unknown hands. I opened the first listlessly, I read what it +contained, and (may an author confess his weakness?) gave a wild shout +of triumph when I found that one of the enclosures was a newspaper +extract referring to my work. Here it is, as it appeared on the form +enclosed:-- + +_THE UNITED ASSOCIATION OF COMBINED PARAGRAPHISTS_. + +MR. WILLIAM WHORBOYS. + +(_FROM THE PIMLICO POTTERER. JULY 6TH_.) + +"Amongst the books of the month we may notice _The Foundling's +Farewell_, by MR. WILLIAM WHORBOYS, an author whose name we have not +hitherto met with. It is a romance of surpassing interest, the subject +being treated with all the convincing power of a master-hand. We shall +look forward eagerly to MR. WHORBOY'S next work." + +With this there came a polite letter from the U.A.C.P., asking me to +allow them to supply me with all newspaper cuttings referring to me or +to my book from "the entire English, American, and Continental Press." +Another leaflet stated the terms on which they were prepared to take +this immense trouble on my behalf. + +Here, at last, thought I to myself, is Fame. The other two letters +contained the same extract, and similar requests from "The Universal +Notice-Mongers," and "The British Cutting Company (Limited)." I +decided in favour of the U.A.C.P., sent them two guineas, and waited. +Three days afterwards there came a scrubby little roll of paper, with +a halfpenny stamp on it. I saw the magic letters U.A.C.P. upon it, and +tore it open. It contained a newspaper cutting, which nothing but my +desire to be truthful would force me to publish. But here it is:--"The +stuff that is palmed off upon a hapless public by aspiring idiots, who +are vain enough to imagine that they are novelists, is astounding. +The latest of these is a certain WILLIAM WHORBOYS, whose book, _The +Foundling's Farewell_, is remarkable only for its ungrammatical +dulness, &c, &c." The next post brought me the same cutting, sent +gratuitously, out of spite, I suppose, by the two Extract Companies to +whom I had preferred the U.A.C.P., and from four others who desired +my custom. During the following week not a day passed without the +receipt of that accursed cutting from some new extract company. Since +then I have waited some months, but nothing more has appeared. My +subscription, I find, has only a year to run. The question is, what +can I do? My life has been blighted by the U.A.C.P., poisoned by "The +Universal Notice-Mongers," and the cup of happiness has been dashed +from my lips by "The British Cutting Company (Limited)." + +I know I am not alone in this. My friend HARTVIG, who is an actor, has +been similarly treated. He gets all the insulting notices of his great +performances with extraordinary regularity, but never a favourable +one. BUNCOMBE, who is standing for Parliament, receives bushels of +extracts from the local Radical paper, he being a Tory Democrat. +We intend to combine and do something desperate. Is there not some +method of winding up Companies, or putting them into liquidation, or +appointing receivers? Pray let me know, and oblige yours in misery, + +WILLIAM WHORBOYS, + +_Author of "The Foundling's Farewell."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HAD ENOUGH OF IT." + +MISS PARLIAMENTINA PUTTING AWAY HER PUPPETS.] + + * * * * * + +RUMOURS FOR THE RECESS. + +_Monday_.--We hear, from a source which cannot possibly be mistaken, +that a _thorough reconstruction of the Cabinet_ is imminent. Mr. +SM-TH goes at once to the Upper House. Mr. B-LF-R becomes First Lord, +and Leader of the Commons. A position will be found for Mr. G-SCH-N +somewhere on the Gold Coast, and thus room will be made for Lord +R-ND-LPH CH-RCH-LL, whose popularity in official Conservative circles +is undiminished. Lord H-RT-NGT-N will probably not become Prime +Minister just yet. + +_Tuesday_.--Since yesterday, some slight modifications in Ministerial +arrangements have been made. Mr. SM-TH, for example, does not go to +the House of Lords, nor Mr. G-SCH-N to the Gold Coast. Moreover, no +attempt has been made to induce Lord R-ND-LPH to enter the Cabinet, +and Mr. B-LF-R is not to be Leader of the House. Otherwise, the +rumoured reconstruction was quite correct. Lord H-RT-NGT-N'S +acceptance of the post of Prime Minister is considered to be merely +a matter of time. + +_Wednesday_.--No fresh reconstruction is announced to-day, as +Ministers are mostly out of Town. Lord H-RT-NGT-N declines to be +interviewed on the subject of the Premiership. + +_Thursday_.--An entirely fresh readjustment of Ministerial forces +is on the _tapis_. Great excitement prevails at Westminster. Nobody +exactly knows why, but it is expected that substitutes will be found +for Mr. G-SCH-N, Mr. SM-TH, Mr. B-LF-R, Mr. M-TTH-WS, Mr. R-TCH-E, and +Lord H-LSB-RY. Lord H-RT-NGT-N is said to have referred all persons +who questioned him about his acceptance of the Premiership, to Lord +S-L-SB-RY. + +_Friday_.--Mr. M-TTH-WS has been offered the Governorship of Madras, +and has declined. He has been sounded as to whether he would accept +the High Commissionership of the unexplored parts of Central Africa, +and has replied evasively. Two prominent Members of the Cabinet are +said not to be on speaking terms, and are practising the dumb alphabet +in consequence. It is positively asserted, that the Lord Advocate will +be the next Leader of the House of Commons. Lord H-RT-NGT-N'S chances +of the Premiership have not improved. + +_Saturday_.--A total and absolutely fresh reconstruction of the +Cabinet, giving everybody a new place, and every place a new holder, +is expected immediately. Details will follow shortly. For the +present Lord H-RT-NGT-N remains outside the Cabinet, and has gone +to Newmarket. + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +We have often been asked how we contrive to put together every week +the delightful paragraphs which appear in this column. The system is +really wonderfully easy, and, with proper instruction, a child could +do it. The first point is to select an item of intelligence about +which few people care to hear. This must be spun out very thin and +long, and adorned with easy extracts from TUPPER, the copy-books, or +Mr. W.H. SMITH'S speeches. Then wrap it up in a blanket of humour, +sprinkle with fatuousness, and serve cold. + + * * * * * + +For instance, you hear that grey frock-coats are very much worn. On +the system indicated above you proceed as follows:--It is curious to +observe how from year to year the customs and fashions of men with +regard to their wearing apparel change. Last year black frock coats +were _de rigueur_. This year, we are informed by a Correspondent who +has special opportunities of knowing what he is writing about, various +shades of grey have driven out the black. No doubt it is every man's +duty to himself and his neighbours to array himself becomingly, +according to the fashion of the hour, but we are inclined to doubt +the wisdom of this latest move. It is often said, that the grey mare +is the better horse, but when the horse itself has a grey coat, the +proverb seems inapplicable. + + * * * * * + +The rest of the space allotted can be filled with political gossip +and personal items, with here and there some inspired twaddle about +foreign personages, of whom no one has ever heard before or desires to +hear again. + + * * * * * + +We beg to state that we offer this information gratis to all intending +journalists. If they follow our system they _must_ succeed. + + * * * * * + +"SAY!"--Speaking of the relations between England and France in +Africa, and of the proposed Bill for a Sahara railway, connecting +Algeria with Lake Tchad, the _Times_' Paris Correspondent +says:--"England, it is explained, agrees not to go beyond Say, on the +Niger." This sounds ominous. It was Lord GRANVILLE'S indisposition +to go beyond "Say" (and to shrink when it came to "Do") which got +us into hot water in Africa before. _Mr. Punch_ hopes, despite this +disquieting sentence, that Lord SALISBURY, after his excellent speech +at the Mansion House, is unlikely to fall into the same fatal error. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, August_ 4.--GEORGE CAMPBELL been with us +many Sessions; heard and seen a good deal of him, but really seems +only now to be coming out. Has taken up the Police Bill, "and I +wish," says HENRY MATTHEWS, _sotto voce_, "the Police would in return +take _him_ up." GEORGE literally overwhelms the place, breaks out +everywhere; began at earliest moment with question of precedence. +Cardinal MANNING been granted precedence on certain Royal Commissions. +"Why should the Cardinal be thus honoured?" GEORGE wants to know. +"There is the Moderator of the Scotch Free Church. Why shouldn't he, +too, have princely rank?" + +[Illustration: + The Campbell is speaking, oh dear, oh dear! + The Campbell is speaking, oh dear, oh dear! + And nobody ever cries, "Hear, hear, hear!" + When the Campbell is speaking! Oh dear, oh dear!] + +LORD ADVOCATE snubs CAMPBELL, and he momentarily resumes his seat. +Ten minutes later shrill cry of pibroch heard again. Everyone knows +that CAMPBELL is coming, and here he is, tall, gaunt, keen-faced, +shrill-voiced, wanting to know at the top of it which of HER MAJESTY'S +Ministers advises HER MAJESTY on questions of precedence? + +"There is," said GORST, reflectively gazing on his manly form, "one +precedence we would all concede to CAMPBELL. We would gladly write on +the bench where he usually sits-- + + 'Not lost, but gone before.'" + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT OF ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE. + +On reading the Parliamentary report in Wednesday's _Times_. + +"_Mr. W.H. Smith_. I asked my colleagues near me whether they had seen +or read the publication--(Mr. A.C. Swinburne's poem about Russia) and +none of them had." + +"And this," exclaimed Algernon Charles Swinburne, the poet, "_this_ is +fame!"] + +But which _is_ his seat? Usually the lank form and the shrill voice +simultaneously uprise from the middle of the second Bench behind Mr. +G.; but GEORGE has a little way of pleasantly surprising the House. +Members looking across see this Bench empty. "Ah! ah!" they say to +themselves, "the CAMPBELLS are gone. Now we'll have a few minutes' +peace and get on with business." Suddenly, _a propos_ of anything that +may be going on, or of nothing at all, the unmistakeable voice breaks +on the ear from under the shadow of the Gallery, from the corner of +the Bench, sometimes from below the Gangway, and a deep low groan +makes answer. Again a little while and this seat is vacated; the +Minister in charge of Bill, looking hastily round, flatters himself +that CAMPBELL really has gone, when lo! from some other remote and +unfrequented spot the terrible cry is uplifted, and, without looking +up, men know CAMPBELL is making his fifteenth speech. + +"On the whole," says PLUNKET, "I'm not sure that the habits of POE'S +raven were not less irritating. It is true that on its first arrival +it hopped about the floor, wherein it resembles our honourable friend; +but afterwards, having once perched upon the pallid bust of Pallas, it +was good enough to remain there. Bad enough, I admit; but surely that +situation preferable to ours, not knowing from moment to moment from +what particular quarter CAMPBELL may next present himself." + +_Business done._--Police Bill obstructed. + +_Tuesday_.--HANBURY came down to-day full of virtuous resolution and +stern resolve. Privileges of House of Commons have been struck at, +and through him; DARTMOUTH, Lord-Lieutenant of Staffordshire, has +been writing things in the papers; rebukes HANBURY, "as a Magistrate +for Staffordshire," for having made certain speech in. Commons +about Grenadier Guards. HANBURY hitherto said nothing in public on +the matter; has been in communication with DARTMOUTH by post and +telegram; has boldly vindicated privileges of Commons; has brought the +insolent Lord Lieutenant to his knees; but till this moment has made +no public reference to the part he played. Has borne, unsoothed by +companionship, the sorrow of the House of Commons. + +Now hour has struck; he may come to the front, and, with habitual +modesty of men, indicate rather than describe the imperishable service +he has done the Commons. House, all unconscious of what is in store +for it, wantons at play. Innumerable questions on paper. SUMMERS +coming up fresh with batch of new conundrums. PATRICK O'BRIEN "having +had his attention called" to some verses by SWINBURNE, proposes +to read them. House wickedly delighted at prospect of SWINBURNE +being haltingly declaimed with North Tipperary accent localised by +companionship with the Town Commissioners of Nenagh; SPEAKER thinks +it might be funny, but wouldn't be business; so PATRICK: having begun, +"Night brings but one red star--Tyrannicide," is sternly pulled up. +OLD MORALITY says he's never seen "the publication;" has asked friends +near him, and everyone says he has neither seen, heard, nor read of +it. "The House," says the SPEAKER, by way of crushing ignominy, "has +no control over the poet SWINBURNE." + +[Illustration: W.H. SMITH AS "THE ROVER OF THE SEAS." + +"ONCE MORE ON BOARD THE LUGGER, AND I AM FREE!"] + +So House deprived of its anticipated lark; all the while HANBURY, +with hands in pockets, sits staring gloomily forth, rather pitying +than resentful. House of course does not know what is in store +for it; still this trifling at the very moment when, though all +inconspicuously, the Commons have been saved from contumelious +outrage, racks the soul that carries with it the momentous secret. + +At last HANBURY'S opportunity comes! Rises slowly, solemnly, to +full height; in deep base tones, asks permission to make personal +statement. House instantly alert, and attentive; baulked of its fun +with PATRICK, here is promise of fresh larks. HANBURY, his profound +base notes sometimes trembling with emotion, proceeds to unfold his +story; reads long letter from Dartmouth; Members, discovering that +the portentous business relates to some trumpery correspondence in the +newspapers, begin to cough, shuffle their feet, and even cry "Agreed!" +HANBURY stops aghast. Can it be possible? When he has been vindicating +privileges of Commons, can Members thus lightly treat incident? But +he will read them another letter, one he wrote to Lord DARTMOUTH. +Anguished roar burst forth from House; louder cries of "Agreed! +Agreed!" HANBURY, gasping for breath, looks round from side to side. +They cannot understand; will read them another letter; begins; storm +increases; HANBURY persists. Surely House will be delighted to hear +his final rejoinder to DARTMOUTH? On the contrary, House will have no +more; and HANBURY, pained and panting, resumes his seat, and business +goes forward as if he had not interposed. + +_Business done._--A sudden rush. All contentious Bills through final +stage. + +_Saturday_.--Session suddenly collapsed. "Like over-ripe tree," +says Prince ARTHUR, dropping into poetry, "the fruit has fallen in a +night." Benches nearly empty; Votes passing in basketsful; prorogue +next week; to-day, practically, last working time. OLD MORALITY just +come in, in serge suit; left his straw hat in his room; off shortly +on cruise in _Pandora_; already shipped store of nautical phrases. +Putting his open hand to the side of his mouth, he (when GEORGE +CAMPBELL was making one of his last speeches), shouted out, "Belay +there!" SPEAKER pointed out that this was not Parliamentary phrase. +If Right Hon. Gentleman wanted to move the Closure, he should do so in +the form provided. OLD MORALITY, standing up, hitching his trousers +at the belt, scraping his right foot behind him, and pulling his +forelock, retorted-- + +"I ask your honour's pardon; but these lubbers are so long-winded." +"Order! Order!" said SPEAKER. + +Said good-bye, wishing him luck on the voyage; at parting pressed on +my acceptance a little book; found it a copy of the Golden Treasury +Edition of Sir THOMAS BROWN'S _Religio Medici_; page 167 turned down; +passage marked; read these words:-- + +"Though vicious times invert the opinions of things and set up a new +ethics against virtue, _yet hold thou fast to_ OLD MORALITY." + +"I will," I said; and pressing his hand sheered off. + +_Business done._--All. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +INVALID TOURING OPPORTUNITY.--Your idea of personally conducting +a party of paralytics, cripples, and other helpless invalids on a +"flying Continental trip," in which you propose including visits to +all the recognised "Cures," either by baths or drinking waters in +Europe, strikes us as quite admirable, and the further advantages you +offer in the shape of your being accompanied by six Bath-chairs, a +donkey, a massage doctor, a galvanising machine, fire-escape, and +a hearse, seem to meet the demands of the most nervous and exacting +patients more than half way. Your provision, too, for the recreation +of your party--such an important consideration where the nerves have +been shattered and the health feeble--by the engagement of a Learned +Musical and Calculating Pig, and a couple of Ethiopian Pashas, who +can munch and swallow half-a-dozen wine-glasses, and, if requested, +remove their eye-balls, seems to offer a prospect of many an evening's +startling and even boisterous amusement; and if the Pig should have +been palmed off on you by fraud, you not having found it able to +"calculate" at all, or even select with its snout a number _not +previously fastened to a piece of onion_, though assisted in its +selection, according to the directions, "with a smart prod with a +carving-fork," there still, as you truly say, remains the alternative +of disposing of it advantageously to some German sausage-maker. As to +the Ethiopian Pashas, if their feats, as is just possible, shock and +horrify, rather than divert and amuse your invalid audience, you can, +as you suggest, easily leave them behind on your way, in settlement +of one of your largest hotel bills. Let us know when you start. Your +"half-dozen paralytics" being let down in a horse-box by a crane on to +the boat, ought to create quite a sensation, and we shall certainly be +on the look-out for it. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +99, August 16, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 12305.txt or 12305.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/3/0/12305/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Punch, or the London Charivari, William +Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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