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diff --git a/old/12323.txt b/old/12323.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..253bc33 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/12323.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1854 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99., +August 2, 1890., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99., August 2, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 11, 2004 [EBook #12323] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 99 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 99. + + + +August 2, 1890. + + + + +[Illustration: A "SCENE" IN THE HIGHLANDS. + +_Ill-used Husband_ (_under the Bed_). "AYE! YE MAY CRACK ME, AND +YE MAY THRASH ME, BUT YE CANNA BREAK MY MANLY SPERRIT. I'LL NA COME +OOT!!"] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH TO THE SECOND BATTALION. + + "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"--JUVENAL. + + You're off, boys, to Bermuda + (_Like_ "the Bermoothes," "vexed"). + The Guards rebel? _Proh pudor!_ + What next--and next--and next? + Who'll guard the Guards, if they guard not + The fame they should revere? + Fie on the row, row, row, row, + Of the British Grenadier! + + Your _Punch_ is sorry for you, + And for these lads "in quod;" + But Discipline's a parent + That _must_ not spare the rod. + May you right soon redeem your name, + And no more may _Punch_ hear + Of the row, row, row, row, row, row, + Of the British Grenadier! + + _If_ you have been o'er-worried + By ultra-Martinet; + Into unwisdom hurried, + Be sure Bull won't forget. + But England's Redcoats must _not_ ape + The Hyde Park howl, that's clear; + So no more row, row, row, row, + From the British Grenadier! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S AMERICAN ACQUAINTANCE. + +My akwaintance among eminent selebraties seems to be rapidly +encreasing. Within what _Amlet_ calls a week, a little week, after my +larst intervue with the emenent young Swell as amost lost his art to +the pretty Bridesmade, I have been onored with the most cordial notice +of a werry emenent Amerrycane, who cums to Lundon wunce ewery year, +and makes a good long stay, and allus cums to one or other of our +Grand Otels. He says he's taken quite a fansy to me, and for this most +singler reason. He says as I'm the ony Englishman as he has ewer known +who can allus giv a answer rite off to ewery question as he arsks +me! So much so, that he says as how as I ort to be apinted the Guide, +Feelosofer, and Frend of ewery one of the many Wisiters as we allus +has a staying here! + +Well, all I can say is, that if I affords the heminent Amerrycane +jest about harf the fun and emusement as he does me, I must be a much +cleverer feller than I ewer thort myself, or than my better harf +ewer told me as I was. Ah, wouldn't he jest make her stare a bit if +she herd sum of his most owdacious sayings. Why, he acshally says, +that the hole system of marrying for life is all a mistake, and not +consistent with our changable nature! And that we ort to take our +Wives on lease, as we does our houses, wiz., for sewen or fourteen +years, and that in a great majority of cases they woud both be preshus +glad when the end of the lease came! And he tries werry hard to make +me bleeve, tho in course he doesn't succeed, that in one part of +his grate and staggering Country, ewerybody does jest as he likes +in these rayther himportant matters, and has jest as many Wives as +he can afford to keep, and that the King of that place has about a +dozen of 'em! Ah, if you wants to hear a Teel downright staggerer as +nobody carnt posserbly bleeve, don't "ask the Pleaceman," but arsk an +Amerrycane! + +He wanted werry much to go to Brighton, and see our new Grand +Metropole Otel opened last Satterday; so I spoke to our most +gentlemanly Manager, and he gave him a ticket that took him down +first-class, and brort him back, and took him into the Otel, and +supplied him with heverythink as art coud wish for, or supply, and +as much Shampane as he could posserbly drink--and, when there ain't +nothink to pay for it, it's reelly estonishing what a quantity a +gennelman can dispose of--; and the way in which he afterwards told +me as he showed his grattitude for what he called a reel first-class +heavening's enjoyment was, to engage a delicious little sweet of +apartments for a fortnite, so we shall see him no more for that length +of time. He told me as he had seen all the great Otels of Urope +and Amerrykey, but he was obligated to confess, in his own emphatic +langwidge, that the Brighton Metropole "licked all creation!" I didn't +quite understand him, but I've no doubt it was intended as rayther +complimentary. He rayther staggered me by asking what it cost, but I +was reddy with my anser, and boldly said, jest exaoly a quarter of a +million. + +He told me that, in his own grand country, he was ginerally regarded +as a werry truthful man, which, of course, I was pleased to hear, for +sum of his statements was that staggering as wood have made me dowt +it in a feller-countryman. For hinstance, he acshally tried to make +me bleeve that his Country is about 20 times as big as ours! Well, in +course, common politeness made me pretend to bleeve him, speshally +as he's remarkable liberal to me, as most of his countrymen is, but +I coudn't help thinking as it woud have been wiser of him if he had +made his werry long Bow jest a leetle shorter. He's a remarkabel +fine-looking gennelman, and his manners quite comes up to my +description. ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A LYRIC FOR LOWESTOFT. + + [Mr. HENRY IRVING is studying for his new piece at Lowestoft.] + +[Illustration] + + Henry Irving, will the Master feel the fierce and bracing breeze, + As you wander by the margin of the restless Eastern seas? + + Save the seagull slowly swirling none shall hear the tale of woe, + Learn how dark the life that ended in the fatal "Kelpie's Flow." + + 'Mid the murmur of the ocean you will tell how _Edgar_ felt + When his _Lucy_ broke her troth-plight, and he flung down _Craigengelt_, + + Fitting place for actor's study, all that long and lonely shore; + Yonder point methinks as Wolf's Crag should be known for evermore. + + Henceforth will the place be haunted when the midnight hour draws nigh: + Men shall see the Master standing stern against the stormy sky. + + Faint, impalpable as shadow from the cloudland, _Lucy_ there + Shall keep tryst; the moon's effulgence not more golden than her hair. + + And, in coming nights of Autumn, when the vast Lyceum rings + With reverberating plaudits, and the town thy praises sings, + + Memories of the sands at Lowestoft shall be with you ere you sleep; + In your ears once more shall echo diapason of the deep. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DREAM OF UNFAIRLY-TREATED WOMEN. + +(_A Long Way After the Laureate._)] + + I read, before my eyelids dropt their shade, + A leader on weak women and their woe, + In toil and industry, in art and trade, + In this hard world below. + + And for awhile the thought of the sad part + Played by them and of Fate's ill-balanced scales, + Moistened mine eyelids, and made ache mine heart, + Remembering these strange tales + + Of woman's miseries in every land, + I saw wherever poverty draws breath + Woman and anguish walking hand in hand, + The dreary road to death. + + Those pallid sempstresses of HOOD'S great song + Peopled the hollow dark, not now alone, + And I heard sounds of insult, shame, and wrong, + And grief's sad monotone, + + From hearts, like flints, beaten by tyrant hoofs; + And I saw crowds in sombre sweating-dens, + With reeking walls and dank and dripping roofs-- + Fit scarce for styes or pens. + + Death at home's sin-stained threshold; honour's fall + Dislodging from her throne love's household pet, + And wan-faced purity a tyrant's thrall, + With wild eyes sorrow-wet. + + And unsexed women facing heated blasts + And Tophet fumes, and fluttering tongues of fire; + And virtue staked on most unholy casts, + And honour sold for hire: + + Squadrons and troops of girls of brazen air, + Tramping the tainted city to and fro, + With feverish flauntings veiling chill despair + And deeply-centred woe. + + So shape chased shape. I saw a neat-garbed nurse, + Wan with excessive work; and, bowed with toil, + A shop-girl sickly, of the primal curse + Each looked the helpless spoil. + + Anon I saw a lady, at night's fall + Stiller than chiseled marble, standing there; + A daughter of compassion, slender, tall, + And delicately fair. + + Her weariness with shame and with surprise + My spirit shocked: she turning on my face + The heavy glances of unrested eyes, + Spoke mildly in her place. + + "I have long duties; ask thou not my name + Some say I fret at a fair destiny. + Many I have to tend; to make my claim + Some venture: we shall see." + + "I trust, good lady, that in a fair field, + The case 'twixt you and tyranny will be tried," + I said; then turning promptly I appealed + To one who stood beside. + + She said, "Poor pay, and plenteous fines, and worse, + Made me rebel amidst my mates' applause. + To insubordination I'm averse, + But have I not good cause? + + "We are cut off from hope in our hard place, + Sweet factory? Ah, well, _our_ sweets are few. + We strike for justice. Man might show some grace, + I think, Sir; do not you?" + + Turning I saw, ranging a flowery pile, + One sitting in an entry dark and cold; + A girl with hectic cheeks, and hollow smile; + Wired roses there she sold, + + Or strove to sell; but often on her ear + The harrying voice of stern policedom struck, + And chased her from her vantage, till a tear + Fell at her "wretched luck." + + Again I saw a wan domestic drudge + Scuttering across a smug suburban lawn; + Tired with the nightly watch, the morning trudge, + The toil at early dawn. + + And then a frail and thin-clad governess, + Hurrying to daily misery through the rain. + Toiling, with scanty food, and scanty dress, + Long hours for little gain. + + Anon a spectral shop-girl creeping back + To her dull garret-home through the chill night, + Bowed, heart-sick, spirit-crushed, poor ill-paid hack + Of harsh commercial might! + + These I beheld, the world's sad woman-throng, + Work-ridden vassals of its Mammon-god, + Their destiny to creep and drudge along, + And kiss grief's chastening rod. + + And then I saw a spirit surface-fair, + A Maenad-masked betrayer, base, impure, + But with sin's glittering garb, and radiant air, + Gay laugh, and golden lure. + + It smiled, it beckoned--whither? To the abyss! + But of that throng how many may be drawn + By the gay glamour and the siren kiss + To where sin's soul-gulfs yawn? + + How many? No response my vision gave. + Make answer, if ye may, ye lords of gain! + Make answer, if ye know, ye chiders grave + Of late revolt, and vain! + + Dream of _Fair_ Women? Nay, for work and want + Mar maiden comeliness and matron grace. + Let sober judgment, clear of gush and cant, + The bitter problem face! + + * * * * * + +ERIN AVENGED.--The Irish champions, HAMILTON, PIM, and STOKER, have +won the "All-England" (it _should_ be All-Irish) Tennis Championship, +both Single and Double, beating the hitherto invincible Brothers +RENSHAW, and other lesser Lights of the Lawn. And now at Bisley the +Irish Team have, for the third time in succession, won the Elcho +Challenge Shield. The old caveat will have to be changed into "No +_non_-Irish need apply!" + + * * * * * + +QUITE THE NEWEST SONGS.--"_Over the Sparkling Serpentine_." By the +author and composer of "_Across the Still Lagoon_." "_Five Men in a +Cab_." By the ditto ditto of "_Three Men in a Boat_;" "_Hates Copper +Nightmare_" to follow "_Love's Golden Dream_;" and the "_General's +Dustpan_;" also, shortly; a companion song to the popular "_Admiral's +Broom_." + + * * * * * + +"A GATHERING OF THE CLAN."--According to _Debrett_, the Earl of +CLANCARTY (by the way, the Patent of Nobility granted to this family +in 1793, is consequently not a hundred years old) bears on his arms "A +Sun in splendour." The authority is too good to imagine for a moment +that this can be a misprint! + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Monday_.--Colney Hatch Hussars' Annual private Introspection. Balloon +rises at Chelsea. Sets to partners after midnight. + +_Tuesday_.--Beadle of Burlington Arcade's Copper Wedding Festivities +commence. Kangaroo Shooting in Fleet Street begins. + +_Wednesday_.--_Mr. Punch_ up and out with the lark. Afternoon +Fireworks on the Stock Exchange. Hippopotamus-washing in the +Serpentine commences. + +_Thursday_.--Billiard Championship contest in the Pool below London +Bridge. Cannons supplied by the Tower. Anniversary Festivity to +celebrate the Discovery of cheap Ginger Beer by the Chinese B.C. 3700. + +_Friday_.--Opening of the "Wash and Brush you up" Company's Automatic +Machine, by Prince HENRY of BATTENBERG. Total Eclipse of the Moon, +invisible at Herne Bay and Pekin. + +_Saturday_.--Tinned Oyster Season commences. Fancy Dress Ball at +Bedlam. Close time for Hyaenas in Belgrave Square. + + * * * * * + +The Austrian Inventor, who has just designed his ship of a mile in +length that is to travel through the water at eighty-seven miles an +hour, and cross the Atlantic in something under a day and a half, is, +I am told, only waiting the requisite capital to enable him at once +to set about carrying his project into effect. Each vessel will be +provided with an Opera House a Cathedral, including a Bishop, who +will be one of the ship's salaried officers; a Circus, Cricket-ground, +Cemetery, Race-course, Gambling-saloon, and a couple of lines of +Electric Tram-cars. The total charge for board and transit will +be only 10s. 6d. a day, which will bring the fare to New York +to something like 16s. As it is calculated that at least 100,000 +passengers will cross the Atlantic on each journey, the financial +aspect of the whole concern seems sound. As I said before, the only +difficulty is the capital. Surely some enterprising Croesus who has +thirty millions lying idle in the Two-and-a-half per Cents, might look +at the matter. + + * * * * * + +"A SPORTING TIPSTER" writes:--"Perhaps you are not aware that _the_ +feature of next Season's Foot-ball will be the arrival of a strong +team of the Kajawee Cannibal Islanders, a ferocious race, who have +been instructed in the game by a celebrated Midland half-back. As in +practice they invariably, instead of a foot-ball, use a fresh human +head, and in a scrimmage leave half their number dead on the field, by +having recourse to the 'Kogo' or 'Spine Splitting Stroke,' introduced +from a local athletic game, some excitement will no doubt be +manifested in sporting circles when they meet the Clapham Rovers, as, +I believe, it is arranged they shall do at the Oval, early in November +next." + + * * * * * + +Hats of the style of the earliest portion of the Saxon Heptarchy +will _not_, after all, be seen in the Row during this Season, though +several male leaders of fashion are stated to have given orders for +them on an approved model. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WASTED EPIGRAM. + +"WHERE IS THE EVENING _GAZETTE_, WAITER?' + +"PLEASE, SIR, IT'S NOT YET _SEWN_." + +"_SOWN_, SIR! IT OUGHT TO HAVE _COME UP_!"] + + * * * * * + +MINE AND THINE. + + [In a recent case, a promoter of Gold Mining Companies + was asked if any of his Companies had ever paid a penny of + dividend. His answer was, "You cannot know much about gold + mines to ask such a question." He admitted, however, that he + himself had made some L50 000 out of them. "This," he said, + "is not profit; it is the realisation of property."] + + Take a patch of land in Africa and multiply by ten, + Then extract a ton of metal from an ounce or two of sand; + Write a roseate prospectus with a magnifying pen, + Making deserts flow with honey in a rich and smiling land. + + Take some crumbs of truth, and spread them with a covering of bosh, + And conceal them in a pie-crust labelled "Promises to pay"; + Hide away all dirty linen, or remove it home to wash, + And then begin the process which the wise ones call "Convey." + + Next collect a band of brothers, all inspired by one desire. + To subserve the public interest, single-hearted men and true; + Stuff with shares, and thus permit them in your kindness to acquire, + At a price, the vendor's property,--the vendor being you. + + Then, since _you_ must make a profit, call the public to your aid; + Let them give you all their money, which they think they only lend: + And of course you mustn't tell them, till the fools have safely paid, + Mines were made for sinking money, not for raising dividend. + + And the clergy bring their savings, the widows bring their store, + And they push to reach your presence, and they jostle and they fall, + And at last they pile their money in a heap before your door; + And, just to make them happy, you accept and keep it all. + + So you make your mine by begging--(modern miners never dig),-- + And you float a gorgeous Company. The shares go spinning up; + But you never "rig the market." (What an awkward word is "rig"!) + And you drain success in bumpers from an overflowing cup. + + Then one day the thing gets shaky, and it goes from bad to worse, + And the public grasps a shadow where it tried to hold a share; + And in vain the country clergy most unclerically curse, + _You_ have "realised your property," and end a millionnaire. + + * * * * * + +COMING SEA-SCRAPES AT CHELSEA. + +(_DRAWN BY AN INSIDER._) + +MR. PUNCH, SIR, + +That the sister Service should also have its turn at Chelsea I +reckon I can understand, and the Show ought to be popular; but if +the Admiralty want to make a further "exhibition" of themselves, they +won't have to go very far a-field for material. Here are one or two +exhibits that come to hand at once. First, there's those big guns +which it ain't safe to fire nohow, and which, if you do load with half +a charge, crack, bend, and get sent back to be "ringed" up, whatever +that means, and are not safe, even for a salute, ever afterwards. +Then, in another case, they might show a foot or two of that blessed +boiler-piping which is always leaking, or splitting, or bursting, just +when it shouldn't. In a third they might display a chop that had been +cooked from lying exposed in one of those famous stokeholes where +the poor beggars of sailors are expected to pass their time without +getting roasted too. Then there might be, as a sort of prize puzzle, +a plan of these here recent manoeuvres, with the Umpire's opinion +of the whole blessed jumble tacked on to it. Then, to enliven the +proceedings. Lord GEORGE might take his turn with the rest of the +Admiralty Board, and give us, every half hour or so, a figure or two +of the Hornpipe, just to let the public see that they have got some +sort of nautical "go" about them to warrant them in drawing their big +screw. Bless you, _Mr. Punch_, there's lots to make an Exhibition of +at Chelsea next year if you come to calculate. Leastways that's the +opinion of your humble servant and admirer, + +A TAX-PAYING LANDLUBBER. + + * * * * * + +ON GUARDS! + +THE BAD FORM OF THE PAST. + +[Illustration] + +There he stood in his evening dress, with a half-smoked cigarette +between his lips. He had been knocking about Piccadilly all day, +had dined at the Junior, looked in at the Opera, and finished at the +Steak. He seemed a civilian of civilians. The most casual observer +would have declared that he could never have seen the inside of a +barrack-yard. So no surprise was expressed when the question was asked +him. + +"What am I?" he repeated, languidly, and then he replied, with a yawn, +"Can't you see, old Chappie? Why, an Officer in the Guards!" + +THE GOOD FORM OF THE FUTURE. + +There he stood in his neat, serviceable undress uniform, with a cigar +between his lips. He had abandoned the swagger frogged coat and silk +sash for the unpretending patrol jacket of his brethren in the Line. +He had been hard at work all day in barracks, inspecting meals, +visiting the hospital, attending parades. He had paid his company +personally, had seen every man, and found that there were no +complaints. He had attended a mess meeting, and had dined at mess, +playing a rubber afterwards (sixpenny points) in the ante-room. +He knew as much about the internal economy of the Battalion as the +Colonel, the Adjutant, or the Sergeant-Major. He seemed a soldier of +soldiers. The most casual observer would have declared that he was +acquainted with every inch of the barrack-yard. So general surprise +was expressed when the question was asked him. + +"What am I?" he repeated, briskly; and then he replied, with a smile, +"Can't you see, stupid? Why, an Officer in the Guards!" + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT A GARDEN-PARTY. + + SCENE--_A London Lawn. A Band in a costume half-way between + the uniforms of a stage hussar and a circus groom, is + performing under a tree. Guests discovered slowly pacing the + turf, or standing and sitting about in groups._ + +_Mrs. Maynard Gery_ (_to her Brother-in-law--who is thoroughly aware +of her little weaknesses_). Oh, PHIL,--you know everybody--_do_ tell +me! Who is that common-looking, little man with the scrubby beard, and +the very yellow gloves--how does he come to be _here_? + +_Phil_. Where? Oh, I see him. Well--have you read _Sabrina's Uncle's +Other Niece?_ + +_Mrs. M.G._ No--_ought_ I to have? I never even heard of it! + +_Phil_. Really? I wonder at that--tremendous hit--you must order +it--though I doubt if you'll be able to get it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Oh, I shall _insist_ on having it. And _he_ wrote it? +Really, PHIL, now I come to look at him, there's something rather +striking about his face. Did you say _Sabrina's Niece's Other +Aunt_--or what? + +_Phil_. _Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_ was what I _said_--not that it +signifies. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Oh, but I always attach the greatest importance to names, +myself. And do you know him? + +_Phil_. What, TABLETT? Oh, yes--decent little chap; not much to say +for himself, you know. + +_Mrs. M.G._ I don't mind _that_ when a man is _clever_--do you think +you could bring him up and introduce him? + +_Phil_. Oh, I _could_--but I won't answer for your not being +disappointed in him. + +_Mrs. M.G._ I have never been disappointed in any genius +_yet_--perhaps, because I don't expect too much--so go, dear boy; he +may be surrounded unless you get hold of him soon. [_PHIL obeys_. + +_Phil_ (_accosting the Scrubby Man_). Well, TABLETT, old fellow, how +are things going with you? _Sabrina_ flourishing? + +_Mr. Tablett_ (_enthusiastically_). It's a tremendous hit, my boy; +orders coming in so fast they don't know how to execute 'em--there's a +fortune in it, as I always told you! + +_Phil_. Capital!--but you've such luck. By the way, my sister-in-law +is most anxious to know you. + +_Mr. T._ (_flattered_). Very kind of her. I shall be delighted. I was +just thinking I felt quite a stranger here. + +_Phil_. Come along then, and I'll introduce you. If she asks you +to her parties by any chance, mind you go--sure to meet a lot of +interesting people. + +_Mr. T._ (_pulling up his collar_). Just what I enjoy--meeting +interesting people--the only society worth cultivating, to my mind, +Sir. Give me _intellect_--it's of more value than wealth! + + [_They go in search of Mrs. M.G._ + +_First Lady on Chair_. Look at the dear Vicar, getting that poor +Lady PAWPERSE an ice. What a very spiritual expression he has, to be +sure--really quite apostolic! + +_Second Lady_. We are not in his parish, but I have always heard him +spoken of as a most excellent man. + +_First Lady_. Excellent! My dear, that man is a perfect _Saint_! I +don't believe he knows what it is to have a single worldly thought! +And such trials as he has to bear, too! With that _dreadful_ wife of +his! + +_Second Lady_. That's the wife, isn't it?--the dowdy little woman, all +alone, over there? Dear me, what _could_ he have married her for? + +_First Lady_. Oh, for her _money_, of course, my dear! + +_Mrs. Pattallons_ (_to Mrs. ST. MARTIN SOMERVILLE_). Why, it really +_is_ you! I absolutely didn't know you at first. I was just thinking, +"Now who _is_ that young and lovely person coming along the path?" You +see--I came out without my glasses to-day, which accounts for it! + +_Mr. Chuck_ (_meeting a youthful Matron and Child_). Ah, Mrs. SHARPE, +how de do! _I'm_ all right. Hullo, TOTO, how are _you_, eh, young +lady? + +_Toto_ (_primly_). I'm very well indeed, thank you. (_With sudden +interest_). How's the idiot? Have you seen him lately? + +_Mr. C._ (_mystified_). The idiot, eh? Why, fact is, I don't _know_ +any idiot!--give you my word! + +_Toto_ (_impatiently_). Yes, you _do_--_you_ know. The one Mummy says +you're next door to--you must see him _sometimes_! You _did_ say Mr. +CHUCK was next door to an idiot, didn't you, Mummy? + + [_Tableau._ + +_Mrs. Prattleton_. Let me see--_did_ we have a fine Summer in '87? +Yes, of course--I always remember the weather by the clothes we wore, +and that June and July we wore scarcely anything--some filmy stuff +that belonged to one's ancestress, don't you know. _Such_ fun! By the +way, what has become of Lucy? + +_Mrs. St. Patticker_. Oh, I've quite lost sight of her lately--you +see she's so perfectly happy now, that she's ceased to be in the least +interesting! + +_Mrs. Hussiffe_ (_to Mr. DE MURE_). Perhaps _you_ can tell me of a +good coal merchant? The people who supply me now are perfect _fiends_, +and I really must go somewhere else. + +_Mr. De Mure_. Then I'm afraid you must be rather difficult to please. + + Mr. TABLETT _has been introduced to_ Mrs. MAYNARD GERY--_with + the following result_. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_enthusiastically_). I'm so delighted to make your +acquaintance. When my brother-in-law told me who you were, +I positively very nearly shrieked. I am such an admirer of +your--(_thinks she won't commit herself to the whole title--and +so compounds_)--your delightful _Sabrina_! + +_Mr. T._ Most gratified to hear it, I'm sure, I'm told there's a +growing demand for it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ Such a hopeful sign--when one was beginning quite to +despair of the public taste! + +_Mr. T._ Well, I've always said--So long as you give the Public a +really first-rate article, and are prepared to spend any amount of +money on _pushing_ it, you know, you're sure to see a handsome return +for your outlay--in the long run. And you see, I've had this carefully +analysed, by competent judges-- + +_Mrs. M.G._ Ah, but _you_ can feel independent of criticism, can't +you? + +_Mr. T._ Oh, I defy anyone to find anything unwholesome in it--it's as +suitable for the most delicate child as it is for adults--nothing to +irritate the most sensitive-- + +_Mrs. M.G._ Ah, you mean certain critics are so thin-skinned--they are +indeed! + +_Mr. T._ (_warming to his subject_). But the beauty of this particular +composition is that it causes absolutely _no_ unpleasantness or +inconvenience afterwards. In some cases, indeed, it acts like a charm. +I've known of two cases of long-standing erysipelas it has completely +cured. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_rather at sea_). How gratifying that must be. But that +is the magic of all truly great work, it is such an _anodyne_--it +takes people so completely out of themselves--doesn't it? + +_Mr. T._ It takes anything of that sort out of _them_, Ma'am. It's the +finest discovery of the age, no household will be without it in a few +months--though perhaps I say it who shouldn't. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_still more astonished_). Oh, but I _like_ to hear you. +I'm so tired of hearing people pretending to disparage what they have +done, it's such a _pose_, and I hate posing. Real genius is _never_ +modest. (_If he had been more retiring, she would have, of course, +reversed this axiom_.) I _wish_ you would come and see me on one of +my Tuesdays, Mr. TABLETT, I should feel so honoured, and I think you +would meet some congenial spirits--do look in some evening--I will +send you a card if I may--let me see--could you come and lunch next +Sunday? I've got a little man coming who was very nearly eaten up by +cannibals. I think _he_ would interest you. + +_Mr. T._ I shall be proud to meet him. Er--did they eat _much_ of him? + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_who privately thinks this rather vulgar_). How _witty_ +you are! That's quite worthy of a--_Sabrina_, really! Then you _will_ +come? So glad. And now I mustn't keep you from your other admirers any +longer. [_She dismisses him_. + +LATER. + +_Mrs. M.G._ (_to her Brother-in-law_). How _could_ you say that dear +Mr. TABLETT was _dull_, PHIL? I found him perfectly charming--so +original and unconventional! He's promised to come to me. By the way, +_what_ did you say the name of his book was? + +_Phil_. I never said he had written a book. + +_Mrs. M.G._ PHIL--you _did_!--_Sabrina's Other--Something_. Why, I've +been _praising_ it to him, entirely on your recommendation. + +_Phil_. No, no--_your_ mistake. I only asked you if you'd read +_Sabrina's Uncle's Other Niece_, and, as I made up the title on the +spur of the moment, I should have been rather surprised if you had. +_He_ never wrote a line in his life. + +_Mrs. M.G._ How _abominable_ of you! But surely he's famous for +_something_? He talks like it. [_With reviving hope_. + +_Phil_. Oh, yes, he's the inventor and patentee of the new "Sabrina" +Soap--he says he'll make a fortune over it. + +_Mrs. M.G._ But he hasn't even done _that_ yet! PHIL, I'll _never_ +forgive you for letting me make such an idiot of myself. What _am_ +I to do now? I _can't_ have him coming to me--he's really too +impossible! + +_Phil_. Do? Oh, order some of the soap, and wash your hands of him, I +suppose--not that he isn't a good deal more presentable than some of +your lions, after all's said and done! + + [_Mrs. M.G., before she takes her leave, contrives to inform + Mr. TABLETT, with her prettiest penitence, that she has only + just recollected that her luncheon party is put off, and that + her Tuesdays are over for the Season. Directly she returns to + Town, she promises to let him hear from her; in the meantime, + he is not to think of troubling himself to call. So there is + no harm done, after all_. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +(_LAST WEEK OF OPERA._) + +[Illustration: Hamlet Personally Conducted.] + +_Monday_.--_Hamlet_. Music by AMBROISE THOMAS, and _libretto_ by +Messieurs CARRE and BARBIER, who seem to have read _Hamlet_ once +through, after which they wrote down as a _libretto_ what they +remembered, of the story. It would be difficult to mention any Opera +less dramatic than this. The question arises at once, adapting the +immortal phrase of JAMES LE SIFFLEUR, "Why lug in _Hamlet_?" Why +not have called it _Ophelia_? Whatever interest there may be in the +Opera--and there is very little--is centred entirely in _Ophelia_. +The _Ghost_ is utterly purposeless, but of distinguished appearance +as a robust spectre, marching in at one gate, and out at another, or +hiding behind a sofa, and popping up suddenly, in order to frighten +an equally purposeless _Hamlet._ Like father, like son. M. LASSALLE +is a fine, substantial, baritonial _Hamlet_, who is always posturing, +weeping, calling out _ma mere_, and blubbering on the ample matronly +bosom of his mother, Madame RICHARD ("O RICHARD! _O ma Reine_!") +like a big, blubbering, overgrown schoolboy. Were I inclined to +disquisitionise, I should say that Messieurs CARRE and BARBIER have +actually realised SHAKSPEARE's own description of his jelly-fleshed +hero, whose mind is as shaky as his well-covered body. _Hamlet_ +was--as SHAKSPEARE took care to emphasise--"fat, and scant of +breath"--which was the physical description of the actor who first +impersonated the leading _role_ of this play; and the French author's +idea of _Hamlet_ was, accordingly, a fat youth, very much out of +condition, home from Wittenberg College, in consequence of his +father's recent decease. + +[Illustration: Hamlet is out of it in the last Act. Why wasn't he +brought into the Ballet?] + +Some of the lighter musical portions of the Opera are charming, and +the Chorus at the end of Act I, might have been written by OFFENBACH. +But what is there of the story? Nothing. The King is not killed: the +Queen isn't poisoned: _Polonius_ is not stabbed behind the arras, +having been, perhaps, killed before the Opera commenced, since his +name appears in the book but not in the programme, and the only person +on the stage that I could possibly associate with that dear old +Lord Chamberlain was M. MIRANDA, who had donned a white beard and a +different robe from what he had been previously wearing as _Horatio_ +in the First and Second Acts, in order to enter and lead the King +away, in an interpolated and ineffective scene which was not in the +book. A very hard-working Opera for the principals, and a thankless +task. _Hamlet's_ drinking song fine, and finely sung. But the whole +point of the Opera is in the last Act, where there is a _ballet_ that +has nothing to do with the piece, but pretty to see little PALLADINO +in short white skirts, dancing merrily in a forest glade, among the +happy peasantry, to whom comes _Ophelia_, mad as several hatters, +and after a lunatic scene, charming, both musically and dramatically, +throws herself into the water, and dies singing. + +Here is a suggestion for the effective compression and reduction +of the Opera, and if my plan be accepted, DRURIOLANUS will earn the +eternal gratitude of those who would like to hear all that is good in +it, and to skip, as PALLADINO does, the rest. Thus:-- + +ACT I.--_Enter_ HAMLET. _Solo. Exit. Enter_ OPHELIA. _Solo. Re-enter_ +HAMLET. OPHELIA _and_ HAMLET _love-duet. Exit_ OPHELIA. HAMLET'S +_Friends come in, and he sings them a Drinking Song with Chorus. All +join in Chorus and Dance. Curtain_. + +[Illustration: An awkward moment for Hamlet. Row with his Mother and +Ophelia.] + +ACT II.--_Opening Chorus (anything; it doesn't matter if it's only +pretty and bright). Enter_ HAMLET. _Solo_. "_Etre, ou ne pas etre." +Enter_ OPHELIA _with book, pretends not to see_ HAMLET. _Solo. Enter_ +Queen. OPHELIA _complains to her that_ HAMLET _isn't behaving like +a gentleman._ Queen _upbraids_ HAMLET: _So does_ OPHELIA: HAMLET +_depressed, Exit_ Queen R.H. _Exit_ OPHELIA L.H. HAMLET _remains, +evidently going mad_. PALLADINO _looks in. Dances_. HAMLET _joins her. +Enter Friends, Courtiers, Peasants, and other Friends. All join in +ballet_, HAMLET _included. Enter_ Keepers, _and_ HAMLET _is taken off +to Hanwellhagen_. OPHELIA _rushes in, faints. Curtain_. + +ACT III.--_Meadows near Hanwellhagen, in Denmark. Dance of Lunatics, +out for a holiday. To them enter OPHELIA. All the charming music, +delightful, and, this being finished, she chucks herself away into the +stream. Curtain_. + +Great call for everybody concerned. And, if the above scheme be +adopted, the Opera would be over before eleven, having begun at nine. +I present this with my compliments to DRURIOLANUS and AMBROISE THOMAS; +and, if he is not "a doubting THOMAS," he will try this plan. + +The remainder of the week passed away happily, so I hear, but was not +able to be in my place, as I was at somebody else's place far, far +away. The Opera has been, from the first, a big success. Should like +to hear _Masaniello_ once again. Perhaps that is a treat in store for +all of us. Thus ends the Opera-goer's Diary for 1890, and everybody is +highly satisfied and delighted. Curtain. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL PARADOX. + + When Autumn comes, our womenfolk prepare + To grind the "old old tune" called "change of air." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MRS. HIGHFLYER'S DANCE, 2 A.M. + +"AH! IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR THE FOOTMEN,--AND IT'S ALL VERY WELL +FOR THE GALS,--BUT IT'S PRECIOUS 'ARD ON US COACHMEN AND THE PORE +MOTHERS!"] + + * * * * * + +"OUR TURN NOW!" + +_OR, MR. BULL AND THE WANDERING MINSTRELS._ + + _Mr. Bull_. Confound these Wandering Minstrels! Oh, the bore of them! + Only just settled with yon tow-hair'd fellow + Turning the corner, and behold two more of them, + Prepared to grind and tootle, blow and bellow, + Until I tip _them_ in a liberal fashion. + Upon my word, their noise is something shocking; + Enough to put a person in a passion. + Menaces slighting and remonstrance mocking, + They stand and twangle, tootle, grind, and gurgle + Their horrible cacophony. Find it funny, + Ye grinners? Might as well my mansion burgle, + As "row" me forcibly out of my money. + The Teuton tootler, being tipped, is "sloping," + Patting his pocket with a smile complacent. + The Gallic blower, for like treatment hoping, + Grins at the Portuguese who grinds adjacent. + What a _charivari_! Oh, I _must_ stop it! + I say, you rascal with the hurdy-gurdy, + More than enough of that vile shindy; drop it! + And you, my brazen, blatant, would-be VERDI, + Hush that confounded horn, or go and blow it + At--Jericho. _My_ walls you will not tumble + By windy shindy, and you ought to know it. + + _Horn-Player_. Bah! ze old hombogs! He sall growl and grumble + But he vill _pay_ ven it come to ze pinches; + I know him, ze cantankerous _vieux_ chappie. + Ze German yonder, vy he take ze inches, + And get ze Hel-igoland! Now he quite happy. + I do ze same. _Pom! Pom!_ Zat blast vos thunder! + How he do tear his hair and tvist his features. + He svear, but he vill vat you call "knock under." + + _Mr. Bull_. I say, you Portugee, smallest of creatures, + And noisiest for your size, shut up, and hook it! + + _Hurdy-gurdy_. _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ Zey say zat ze old fool is + skveezable, + Melting in his own heat. Py gar, he _look_ it. + Ze Teuton yonder find zat he vas teaseable + Out of ze "tip," ze big _pour-boire_. He got him, + He go, he grin! Sall I not take ze hint too? + I get him too--_I_ go. But I no let him + Drive me away, as he did SERPA PINTO. + _Gr-r-r-r! Gr-r-r-r!_ I see zat he no like ze grinding. + Soo mooch ze bettare! He sall give mooch money; + Ze _pour-boire_, someveres, he sall soon be finding, + If I keep on. Zeese Eenglish are so funny. + + _Tutto_. Ze money for ze Minstrels! Kvick! So sall you + Get rid of us. Like to ze artful gloser + In Mistare SEYMOUR'S sketch, _ve_ "know ze value + Of peace and kvie'ness." Pay us, ve go, Sir! [_Left tootling._ + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN PROPHET._) + +Am I going to Goodwood? I answer that question by another. Is it +likely that a race-meeting of any pretensions can possibly do without +one whom even his enemies acknowledge to be the only accurate and +high-minded sporting writer in the world? Those who care (and I +devoutly hope that Mr. J., whose brains equal those of a newly-born +tadpole, will not be amongst the number) can see me at any moment on +pronouncing the password, "mealy-mouth," in my old place, _close to +the space devoted to Royalty._ Yes, I shall be there. In the meantime, +I propose to treat of the horses as only I can treat of them. I have +nothing to say against _Pioneer_, except that the name promises very +well for one who means to lead the way. _Nous verrons_, as RACINE +said, on a celebrated occasion. As for _The Imp_, I cannot too +strongly lay it down that only blue devils are bad for the digestion, +and _Galloping Queen_ may gallop farther than or not so far as _Miss +Ethel_. A miss must be better than a mile to win. If _Theophilus_ were +_Formidable_, or if _Imogene_ possessed a _Grecian Bend_, it might be +necessary to sound _Reveille_ in _Rotten Row_, which would certainly +be a _Marvel_. Not being a roadster, I sometimes like _The Field_. + +The above information ought to be sufficient to guide anybody whose +brains are calculated to fill an egg-cup. All others may go to +Earlswood, where they will probably meet Mr. J. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUR TURN NOW!" + +FRANCE AND PORTUGAL (_who know the value of Peace and Quiet_). "YOU +GIVE GERMAN SOMESING,--HE GO VAY! YOU GIVE _US_ SOMESING,--_VE_ GO +VAY!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_BEFORE_ MR. COMMISSIONER PUNCH.) + +_AN ANGLO-INDIAN GENTLEMAN INTRODUCED._ + +[Illustration] + +_The Commissioner_. Well, Sir, What can I do for you? + +_Anglo-Indian_. I wish respectfully to call your attention, Sir, +to our case, which is now before a Parliamentary Committee. I am +an Indian Civil Servant. I am called a member of the Uncovenanted +Service, but I contend that such a term is a misnomer. Originally the +Uncovenanted Service consisted of Natives of India, who were employed, +without covenant, to do subordinate official work, under the direction +of the Covenanted Civil Service. The bulk of these persons were +overseers and tax-collectors. + +_The Com._ Has there been any alteration of late years? I see you lay +a stress upon _originally_. + +_Anglo-In._ At this moment there are in the Service, in one department +alone--the Educational--a Senior Classic, a Second Wrangler, several +other Wranglers, and many Fellows of Oxford and Cambridge, who took +high honours with their degrees. The Service now requires great +technical knowledge, as it has to deal with Archaeology, Finance, +Geological Survey, Public Works, and Telegraphy, and can only be +entered by Europeans, who have been selected by nomination, or after +competition, either by the Secretary of State for India, or the +Government of India. It is not an Uncovenanted Service, as we now +enter it with the prospect of pension; and one of our grievances +is, that that prospect has become less favourable through the recent +action of our employers. + +_The Com._ Be kind enough to explain. + +_Anglo-In._ Certainly, Sir. When we entered the Service our pension, +after serving thirty years, was stated by the Secretary of State to +be L500. Naturally this was taken to mean gold, but because years ago +the Service consisted of Natives, the Government hit upon the plan of +paying us in silver, which at the present rate means a loss of L150 in +the L500. + +_The Com._ Are the members of the other Indian Services, Civil and +Military, treated in like manner? + +_Anglo-In._ No, they are paid their pensions in gold. + +_The Com._ Well, considering the class of men who now enter your +Service I do not see why you should be put at so great a disadvantage. +Have you any other grievances? + +_Anglo-In._ Well, thirty years is a long time to have to serve in a +climate as trying as the tropics, especially when we are not allowed +to count furlough as service. + +_The Com._ I think so, too. Then I may sum up your grievances thus. +You are educated men, and therefore deserve fair treatment. You +would consider fair treatment, payment of pensions in gold, and the +lessening of the years of service necessary to earn the right of +retirement? + +_Anglo-In._ Exactly, Sir; and I cannot thank you sufficiently for +putting our case so plainly. + +_The Com._ Not at all. Should you receive no redress within a +reasonable time, you may mention the matter to me again. + + [_The Witness with a grateful bow then withdrew_. + + * * * * * + +THE SHADOW OF A CASE! + +(_TO THE EDITOR OF PUNCH._) + +DEAR SIR,--As the leading forensic journal of this great country (your +contemporary _Weekly Notes_ runs you pretty close occasionally in some +of its reports), I address you. It was my painful duty a few days ago +(I had to "take a note" for a colleague, an occupation more honourable +than lucrative), to be present at a cause that was heard before the +President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High +Court of Justice and a Special Jury. The trial created considerable +interest, not only amongst the general public, but amongst that branch +of our honourable Profession represented by the Junior Bar, no doubt, +because certain points of law, not easily recognisable--I frankly +confess, I myself, am unable to recount them--were no doubt in +question, and had to be decided by competent authority. The Counsel +directly engaged were some of the brightest ornaments of Silk and +Stuff. Amongst the rest were my eloquent and learned friend, Sir +CHARLES RUSSELL, my erudite and learned friend Mr. INDERWICK (whose +_Side-lights upon the Stuarts_, is a marvel of antiquarian research), +and my mirth-compelling and learned friend Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, +whose law is only equalled (if, indeed, it is equalled) by his comic +draughtmanship. As the details of the trial have been fully reported, +there is no necessity to go into particulars. However, there was a +feature in the case that the passing notice of an article in one or +more of the leading journals is scarcely sufficient to meet. + +It was proved that the detective part of divorce (if I may use the +expression) may be conducted in a fashion, to say the least, of not +the most entirely satisfactory character. A talented family were +called before us, whose performances were, from one point of view, +extremely amusing. But, Sir, although (as you will be the first to +admit) laughter is a most excellent thing in its proper place, the +sound of cachinnation is seldom pleasing in the Divorce Court. Under +these circumstances I would propose that, in future, Divorce Shadowing +should be put under the protection of the State. There should be a +special department, and the Shadowers should be of the distinguished +position of Mr. MCDOUGALL of the London County Council, and the like. +The office of the rank and file of the Shadowers should be honorary, +as the pleasure of following in (possibly) unsavoury steps in the +cause of virtue, would be to them, I presume, ample reward for any +trouble the labour might entail. I would willingly myself undertake +the responsibilities attaching to the post of Director-General, of +course on the understanding that a suitable provision were made, not +only as compensation for the loss of my practice, but also that I +might perform the duties of the office with suitable dignity. But when +I say this, I would add, that I should reserve to myself the right of +seeking the supplementary services of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, +and Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, as assessors in assisting me to +distinguish between innocence and vice, and guilt and virtue. + +Believe me, with an expression of all necessary respect for "the +Nobility" connected with the case to which I have referred, and +admiration for the courage of a certain Militiaman, exhibited by his +entering the witness-box, and there facing the cross-examination he so +richly deserved, I remain, Yours truly, + +(_Signed_) A BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-handle Court, July 29, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +Poet and Prophet are nearly allied. Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN is an +illustration of this, in his recently published _English Lyrics_ +(MACMILLAN) all of which he must have written in utter ignorance +of the doings of the Chairman of the County Council. Yet, hath the +Prophetic Poet these lines:-- + + "Primrose, why do you pass away?" + +And the Primrose's return: + + "Nay, rather, why should we longer stay?" + +But the Conservative bias of the Poet is shown in the next line: + + "_We_ are not needed," &c. + +The commencement of the poem, however, as here quoted, is evidently an +inspiration for which the Poet was not responsible. It is a charming +little volume of charming verse. It is good poetic wine, which +needs not the bush provided by Mr. WILLIAM WATSON in the shape of a +thickset introduction. What, asks W.W., is the attitude of ALFRED +AUSTIN towards Nature? This recalls a well-known scene in _Nicholas +Nickleby_--"She's a rum 'un, is Natur'," said _Mr. Squeers_. "She +is a holy thing, Sir," remarked _Mr. Snawley_. "Natur'," said _Mr. +Squeers_, solemnly, "is more easier conceived than described. Oh, +what a blessed thing, Sir, to be in a state of natur'!" And these +observations of Messrs. _Snawley_ and _Squeers_ pretty accurately sum +up all that the ingenious WILLIAM WATSON has to say about Natur' and +ALFRED AUSTIN. The moral of which lies in the application of it, which +is,--skip the preface, and make plunge into the poetry. + +A good deal has been written in olden time and of late about the +Oberammergau Passion Play. Nothing has been better done than the +work by Mr. EDWARD R. RUSSELL, formerly M.P. for Glasgae, who visited +Oberammergau this year. His account is instinct with keen criticism, +fine feeling, and reasoning reverence. Moreover, whilst other works +are padded out into bulky volumes, he says all that need be said in +fifteen pages of a pleasantly-printed booklet--price sixpence. It is +a reprint from letters which the errant Editor contributed to his +journal, the _Liverpool Daily Post_, at the sign of which copies may +be had. THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +Art's Friends and Foe! + + TATE, WALLACE, AGNEW! Here be three good names, + Friends of true Art, and furtherers of her aims; + Munificence but waits to take sound shape; + Say, shall it be frustrated by--Red Tape? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BUZZY TIME FOR THE MINISTER OF AGRICULTURE. + +{Persons interested should secure the Government paper containing +all the information in regard to the Hessian Fly, and other injurious +insects and fungi.}] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE CHURCH-GOING BELL." + +SUNDAY MORNING, COAST OF NORWAY. + +(_By Our Yotting Artist._)] + + * * * * * + +JOHNNY, MAKE ROOM FOR DELONCLE! + +(_NEW NORTH AFRICAN VERSION OF AN OLD SONG._) + + "M. DELONCLE, in his conversation with a Belgian reporter, + puts in a claim for practically the whole of the northern + half of Africa, with the possible exception of Egypt."--_The + Times_. + + AIR--"_Tommy, make room for your Uncle_." + + _Deputy_ DELONCLE (_addressing_ JOHNNY BULL) _sings_:-- + + Nothing but deserts now left for France! + Hang it! That _will_ not do! + Therefore DELONCLE her claims must advance, + Mighty they are, nor few. + Right from Oubanghi unto Lake Tchad, + Through Wadai and Ba-gir-mi! + JOHNNY, my lad, I shall be glad + If you'll make room for ME! + + _Chorus_. + + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE, + There's a little dear! + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE, + He wants to stay here. + He needs the whole of North Africa! + (The rest he may leave to you), + Do not annoy, there's a good boy! + Make room for DELONCLE, do! + + To So-ko-to and the Gan-do, + Your claims you must resign. + If France goes far from Zanzibar, + _I_'ll draw a new boundary line. + To the east of the Niger by latitude ten! + That is our mi-ni-_mum_! + Ours the Sahara! Yes, _che sara sara!_ + Therefore don't _you_ look glum! + + _Chorus_. + + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE! + The Niger is ours, that's clear. + JOHNNY, make room for DELONCLE! + He doesn't want _you_ here. + France must take up her traditional _role_ + (Of grabbing all she _can_ do) + So, JOHNNY, my boy, don't you annoy; + Make room for DELONCLE, _do_! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM + +THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 21.--RITCHIE got another Bill +through; not a measure of high imperial policy; nothing to do either +with Heligoland or Zanzibar; only proposes to improve in various +ways the dwellings of the industrial classes. Still, as JOKIM has +shown in connection with one or two of his little Bills, it is +quite possible nearly to wreck a Ministry even on matter-of-fact +business arrangements. But RITCHIE isn't JOKIM, and so his Bill +passes to-night, taking two steps at a time, both sides uniting in +congratulation and cheers. WALTER FOSTER, rising, salutes the Minister +with a quite touching bless-you-my-child attitude. FOSTER rather +hints that the Bill everyone is so pleased with, is really his. True, +RITCHIE'S name is on back, and he took charge of it in its passage +through Committee and House. But the real man was FOSTER; his +Amendments had made the Bill; he had moulded it in Committee, and now +here he was to give it his blessing. Rather delicate position; sort of +cracking up himself, which FOSTER would not do for the world; blushed +a little, as he praised the Bill; otherwise accomplished his task with +ease and grace, whilst RITCHIE, listening, twitched his eyebrows, and +thought unutterable things. + +"I wish," said OLD MORALITY, "we had an embarrassment of RITCHIES, or +even two or three more like him." + +OLD MORALITY been rather worried to-night; a hail-storm of questions +on all sorts of subjects; amongst others, TIM HEALY and WILFRID +LAWSON badgering him about the Local Taxation Bill. When is it really +intended to take it? LAWSON asks OLD MORALITY back at the table again +for twentieth time; literally gasping for breath; looked round House +with anguished expression; then happy thought strikes him; "Mr. +SPEAKER, Sir," he says, "it is really impossible to do more than one +thing at a time." + +The pathetic earnestness with which this axiom was advanced, the +sudden swift spasm of conviction that had flashed it across his mind, +his certainty of the soundness of the assertion (paradoxical though +it might appear), and his hasty, anxious glance below the Gangway +opposite, apprehensive that that quarter would peradventure furnish +a person capable of controverting it, all filled the House with keen +delight. Laughed for full sixty seconds by Westminster clock; OLD +MORALITY standing at table looking round and wondering what on earth +he'd said now. + +_Business done._--Census Bills read Second Time. + +_Tuesday_.--Pretty quiet sitting, till DIMSDALE craftily crept upon +the scene. Don't often hear from this distinguished member of the +Order of Noble Barons; generally content to serve his country by +voting for the Government. To-night stirred in sluggish depths +by omission of Government in preparing Census Bill to provide for +Religious Census; so the Noble Baron moves Amendment designed to +authorise Religious Census. Opposition Benches nearly empty; those +present listen listlessly; know it's all right; Government are pledged +against Religious Census; no harm in the Noble Baron moving his +Amendment and making his speech; the Bill as introduced is safe. + +[Illustration: Another Noble Baron.] + +Then up gets RITCHIE; drops remark, in off-hand manner, as if it did +not signify, that Members on Ministerial side are free to vote as they +please. Sudden change of attitude in Opposition Benches. Listlessness +vanishes; a whisper of treachery goes round; CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes +hot protest; HARCOURT sent for; comes in gleefully; matters been going +so quietly, place unbearable for him; now a row imminent, HARCOURT +joyously returns to Front Bench. Seats fill up on both sides; OLD +MORALITY hurries in; situation explained to him; dolefully shakes his +head; HARCOURT thunders denunciation of a Ministry that plays fast +and loose with House; then OLD MORALITY gets up, and publicly abjures +DIMSDALE and his Amendment. It was, he explained, only RITCHIE'S fun +in saying Ministerialists were free to vote as they pleased on this +matter. The Government were against the Amendment, and of course good +Ministerialists would vote with Ministers. So they did, and DIMSDALE'S +rising hopes crushed by majority of 288 against 69. + +_Business done._--English Census Bill passed through Committee. + +_Wednesday_.--Came across NICHOLAS WOOD in remote corner of Corridor; +had the depressed look familiar when he has been wrestling with great +mental problems and finds himself worsted. + +"What's the matter now, NICHOLAS? Thinking over what OLD MORALITY said +yesterday about impossibility of doing more than one thing at a time?" + +"No, TOBY," he said, wearily; "it's not that; gave that up at once. +OLD MORALITY's a good fellow, but he's too subtle for me. It's this +Police Question that bothers me; give up a good deal of time to +mastering it. Sort of thing seemed likely to suit me; heard all +MATTHEWS' speeches; tried to follow CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM; courted +CONYBEARE'S company, and pursued PICKERSGILL with inquiries. Thought +I'd got a pretty clear notion of what it all meant; and now it turns +out all to have led up to making PULESTON Constable of Carnarvon. +Never heard his name before in connection with the Police Question. +He took no part in discussions; had nothing to do with it I ever heard +of; just when I was comfortably getting on another tack, the whole +question centres on PULESTON. It seems _he_ was the Police Question, +and now he's Constable of Carnarvon. Why Carnarvon? Why not stationed +in the Lobby or the Central Hall where he would be with old friends? +Suppose he'll wear a blue coat, bright buttons, and a belt, and will +shadow LOYD-GEORGE who now sits for Carnarvon? If you write to him +must you address your letters "P.C. PULESTON"? and shall we have to +change refrain of our latest National Hymn? instead of singing '_Ask +a Policeman?_' shall we have to chant 'Ask a PULESTON?' These are the +new problems; suddenly rushed in, bothering me to death when I thought +I'd got pretty well through Session, Recess close at hand and no +more difficult points coming up. Don't think, TOBY, I was cut out for +politics; perhaps I take them too seriously; but like to know things, +and there are so many things to know." + +Try to cheer up NICHOLAS; suggest to him that he should put his +questions down on the paper; might address them to FERGUSON; a +little out of the way of Foreign Affairs; but a conversation publicly +conducted between NICHOLAS and FERGUSON would be interesting. + +_Business done._--Votes in Supply. + +_Friday_.--House in rather strange condition to-night; things all +sevens and sixes; Motion is that Anglo-German Agreement Bill be read +Second Time. Opinion very mixed on merits of measure; on the whole, +no particular objection to it, even though with it goes Heligoland. +Still, an Opposition must oppose; but where is the Opposition? Mr. G. +came down last night; said he'd no particular objection to Treaty, but +didn't like the process of confirming it; so publicly washed his hands +of the business. Since the announcement appeared in papers, HERBERT +tells me his illustrious father's life has been a burden to him. Every +post brings him letters from rival advertising soap manufacturers, +making overtures of business transactions. + +"Sir," runs one of these epistles, "alluding to your statement in the +House of Commons last night that you publicly washed your hands of +participation in the Anglo-German Treaty, would you have any objection +to our stating that the substance used was our celebrated Salubrious +Savon? Anticipating your favourable reply, we assume that you would +have no objection to our publishing a portrait of you using our soap, +with its familiar label, 'Does not wash collars.' We have only to add +that in the event of your favourably accepting this suggestion, we +shall esteem it a favour to be allowed to gratuitously supply you and +your family with specimens of our art for the term of your natural +lives." + +[Illustration: The British Constitution.] + +This is merely an incident in the struggle, illustrating one of the +embarrassments it has evolved. Only man thoroughly happy is HARCOURT. +He invented the line of attack on ground of breach of constitutional +usages; put up Mr. G. to make his speech; supplied him with +authorities, and in supplementary speech amazed House with his +erudition. Made stupendous speech last night; literally gorged the +House; to-night picks up fragments and provides another feast: six +baskets wouldn't hold it. + +"Wish, TOBY, dear boy," he said, sinking back in his seat after +delivering his second speech, cunningly grafted on an Amendment, "we +could carry this over next week. I could easily make a speech a day. +Remember when I was once in Ireland, asked a tenant how he liked the +new agent, who was reputed to be very able business man. 'Well,' +said my acquaintance, 'I don't know about his business daylings, but +for blasphaymious language, he's _au revoir_.' On constitutional +questions, TOBY, I may, with all modesty, say I'm _au revoir_." + +_Business done._--Anglo-German Treaty agreed to. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. + +"_She is never at a loss for a clever answer;_" i.e., "A cat whose +claws are always out." + +"_A little stand-offish to strangers, but wonderfully winning when one +really knows him;_" i.e., "Which one need never do, thank goodness!" + +LEGAL. + +"_As your Lordship pleases;_" i.e., "As a Judge, you are a stupid, +self-sufficient dolt; but so long as my client, the solicitor, gets +his costs, it doesn't matter a jot to me or him _what_ you decide!" + +"_With your Lordship's permission, my Junior will settle the +minutes;_" i.e., "And so save us both the trouble of apportioning, in +the customary perfunctory fashion, the oyster to the solicitors, and +the shells to the clients." + +IN THE SMOKING-ROOM. + +"_You don't mind my telling you exactly where I think you're wrong?_" +i.e., "You obviously want setting down, and I may as well do it." + +"_Do you mind just stating that over again?_" i.e., "While I think of +something to say in reply." + +"_Of course you know more about the subject than I do;_" i.e., "I am +pretty sure you never gave it a thought till this minute." + +"_If you care for my candid opinion;_" i.e., "I am now about to be +annoying, and perhaps rude." + +"_All right, I'm not deaf!_" i.e., "Keep your confounded temper." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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