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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1285-0.txt b/1285-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..69fbdea --- /dev/null +++ b/1285-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1713 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1285 *** + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + +By Ellis Parker Butler + + +By The Same Author + + Pigs is Pigs + + The Great American Pie Company + + Mike Flannery On Duty and off + + The Thin Santa Claus + + That Pup, Kilo, etc. + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + + + +CONTENTS + +I. THE WATER GOATS II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + + + +I. THE WATER GOATS + + +“And then,” said the landscape gardener, combing his silky, pointed +beard gently with his long, artistic fingers, “in the lake you might +have a couple of gondolas. Two would be sufficient for a lake of this +size; amply sufficient. Yes,” he said firmly, “I would certainly advise +gondolas. They look well, and the children like to ride on them. And so +do the adults. I would have two gondolas in the lake.” + +Mayor Dugan and the City Council, meeting as a committee of the whole +to receive the report of the landscape gardener and his plan for the new +public park, nodded their heads sagely. + +“Sure!” said Mayor Dugan. “We want two of thim--of thim gon--thim gon--” + +“Gondolas,” said the landscape gardener. “Sure!” said Mayor Dugan, “we +want two of thim. Remimber th' gondolas, Toole.” + +“I have thim fast in me mind,” said Toole. “I will not let thim git +away, Dugan.” + +The landscape gardener stood a minute in deep thought, looking at the +ceiling. + +“Yes, that is all!” he said. “My report, and the plan, and what I have +mentioned, will be all you need.” + +Then he shook hands with the mayor and with all the city councilmen +and left Jeffersonville forever, going back to New York where landscape +gardeners grow, and the doors were opened and the committee of the whole +became once more the regular meeting of the City Council. + +The appropriation for the new park was rushed through in twenty minutes, +passing the second and third readings by the reading of the title under +a suspension of the by-laws, and being unanimously adopted. It was a +matter of life and death with Mayor Dugan and his ring. Jeffersonville +was getting tired of the joyful grafters, and murmurs of discontent +were concentrating into threats of a reform party to turn the +cheerful rascals out. The new park was to be a sop thrown to the +populace--something to make the city proud of itself and grateful to its +mayor and council. It was more than a pet scheme of Mayor Dugan, it +was a lifeboat for the ring. In half an hour the committees had been +appointed, and the mayor turned to the regular business. Then from his +seat at the left of the last row little Alderman Toole arose. + +“Misther Mayor,” he said, “how about thim--thim don--thim don--Golas!” + whispered Alderman Grevemeyer hoarsely, “dongolas.” + +“How about thim dongolas, Misther Mayor?” asked Alderman Toole. + +“Sure!” said the mayor. “Will annyone move that we git two dongolas t' +put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on? Will annyone move that Alderman +Toole be a conmittee of wan t' git two dongolas t' put in th' lake?” + +“I make dot motions,” said Alderman Greveneyer, half raising his great +bulk from his seat and sinking back with a grunt. + +“Sicond th' motion,” said Alderman Toole. + +“Moved and siconded,” said the mayor, “that Alderman Toole be a +committee t' buy two dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride +on. Ye have heard th' motion.” + +The motion was unanimously carried. That was the kind of City Council +Mayor Dugan had chosen. + +When little Alderman Toole dropped into Casey's saloon that night on his +way home he did not slip meekly to the far end of the bar, as he usually +did. For the first time in his aldermanic career he had been put on a +committee where he would really have something to do, and he felt +the honour. He boldly took a place between the big mayor and Alderman +Grevemeyer, and said: “One of th' same, Casey,” with the air of a man +who has matters of importance on his mind. He felt that things were +coming his way. Even the big mayor seemed to appreciate it, for he put +his hand affectionately on Toole's shoulder. + +“Mike,” said the mayor, “about thim dongolas, now; have ye thought anny +about where ye would be gettin' thim?” + +“I have not,” said Toole. “I was thinkin' 'twould be good t' think it +over a bit, Dugan. Mebby 'twould be best t' git thim at Chicagy.” He +looked anxiously at the mayor's face, hoping for some sign of approval +or disapproval, but the mayor's face was noncommittal. “But mebby it +wouldn't,” concluded Toole. As a feeler he added: “Would ye be wantin' +me t' have thim made here, Dugan?” + +The big mayor patted Toole on the shoulder indulgently. + +“It's up t' you, Mike,” he said. “Ye know th' way Dugan does things, an' +th' way he likes thim done. I trust thim that I kin trust, an' whin I +put a man on committee I'm done wid th' thing. Of coorse,” he added, +putting his mouth close to Toole's ear, and winking at Grevemeyer, “ye +will see that there is a rake-off for me an' th' byes.” + +“Sure!” said Toole. + +The big mayor turned back to the bar and took a drink from his glass. +Grevemeyer took a drink from his glass, also. So did Toole, gravely. +Dugan wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and turned to Toole again. + +“Mike,” he said, “what do ye think? Mebby 'twould do as well t' git a +couple of sicond-hand dongolas an' have thim painted up. If they was in +purty good shape no wan would know th' difference, an' 'twould make a +bit more rake-off fer th' byes, mebby.” + +“Th' same word was on th' ind o' me tongue, Dugan,” said Toole, nodding +his head slowly. “I was considerin' this very minute where I could lay +me hand on a couple of purty good dongolas that has not been used much. +Flannagan could paint thim up fine!” + +“Or Stoltzenau could do such paintings,” interposed Grevemeyer. + +“Sure!” agreed the big mayor. He toyed with his glass a moment. “Mike,” + he said suddenly, “what th' divil is a dongola, anyhow?” + +Mike Toole was just raising his glass to his lips with the movements of +one accustomed to hold conversation with the mayor. His left hand rested +on his hip, with his arm akimbo, and his hat was tipped carelessly to +the back of his head. The hand raising his glass stopped short where it +was when he heard the mayor's question. He frowned at the glass--scowled +at it angrily. + +“A dongola, Dugan”--he said slowly, and stopped. “A dongola”--he +repeated. “A dongola--did ye ask me what a dongola might be, Dugan?” + +The big mayor nodded, and Grevemeyer leaned forward to catch the answer. +Casey, too, leaned on his bar and listened. Alderman Toole raised his +glass to his lips and filled his mouth with the liquor. Instantly he +dashed the glass furiously to the floor. He jerked off his hat and cast +it into a far corner and pulled off his coat, throwing it after his hat. +He was climbing on to the bar when the big mayor and Grevemeyer laid +their hands on the little man and held him tightly. The big mayor shook +him once and set him on the floor. + +“Mike!” said the big mayor. “What's th' matter wid ye? What are ye goin' +afther Casey that way for? Is it crazy ye are? Or have ye gone insane?” + +“Knock-out drops!” shouted Toole, shaking his fist at Casey, who looked +down at him in astonishment. “Knock-out drops! I will have th' law on +ye, Casey. I will have th' joint closed! I'll teach ye t' be givin' +knock-out drops t' th' aldermin of th' city!” + +“Mike!” cried the big mayor, giving him another vigorous shake. “Shut up +wid ye! Casey wouldn't be givin' ye annything that wasn't good for ye. +Casey wouldn't be givin' ye knock-out drops.” + +“No?” whispered Mike angrily. “No? Wouldn't he, Dugan? An' what has he +done t' me mimory, then, Dugan? What has he put in th' drink t' rob +me of me mimory? Wan minute ago I knew as well anny other man what a +dongola is like, an' now I have no mimory of anny dongolas at all. Wan +minute ago I could have told ye th' whole history of dongolas, from th' +time of Adam up till now, an' have drawed a picture of wan that annywan +could recognize--an' now I wouldn't know wan if ye was show it t' me! I +was about t' tell ye th' whole history of dongolas, Dugan; 'twas on th' +ind of me tongue t' give ye a talk on dongolas, whin I took a drink. Ye +saw me take a drink, Grevemeyer?” + +“Ya!” said Grevemeyer, nodding his head solemnly. “You took such a +drink!” + +“Sure,” said Toole, arranging his vest. “Grevemeyer saw me take th' +drink--an now I have no mimory of dongolas at all. If ye was t' show me +a chromo of wan I wouldn't know was it a dongola or what. I'm ashamed of +ye, Casey!” + +“If ye done it, Casey, ye hadn't have ought t' have done it,” said Dugan +reprovingly. “Th' mind of him might be ruined intirely.” + +“Stop, Dugan!” said Toole hastily. “I forgive him. Me mind will likely +be all right by mornin'. 'Tis purty good yit, ixcipt on th' subjict of +dongolas. I'm timporarily out of remimbrance what dongolas is. 'Tis odd +how thim knock-out drops works, Grevemeyer.” + +“Ya!” said the alderman unsuspectingly, “gifing such a forgetfulness on +such easy things as dongolas.” + +“Sure! You tell Dugan what dongolas is, Grevemeyer,” said Toole quickly. + +Grevemeyer looked at his glass thoughtfully. His mind worked slowly +always, but he saw that it would not do for him to have knock-out drops +so soon after Toole. + +“Ach!” he exclaimed angrily. “You are insulting to me mit such questions +Toole. So much will I tell you--never ask Germans what is dongolas. It +is not for Germans to talk about such things. Ask Casey.” + +Casey scratched his head thoughtfully. + +“Dongolas?” he repeated. “I have heard th' word, Grevemeyer. Wait a bit! +'Tis something about shoes. Sure! I remimber, now! 'Twas dongola shoes +wan of me kids had, last winter, an' no good they were, too. Dongolas is +shoes, Grevemeyer--laced shoes--dongolas is laced shoes.” + +The big mayor leaned his head far back and laughed long and loud. He +pounded on the bar with his fist, and slapped Toole on the back. + +“Laced shoes!” he cried, wiping his eyes, and then he became suddenly +serious. “'Twould not be shoes, Casey,” he said gravely. “Thim dongolas +was ricomminded by th' landscape-gardener from New Yorrk. 'Twould not be +sinsible t' ricommind us put a pair of laced shoes in th' park lake fer +th' kids t' ride on.” + +“'Twould not seem so,” said Toole, shaking his head wisely. “I wisht me +mind was like it always is. 'Tis a pity--” + +“Stop!” cried Casey. “I have it! Thim was kid shoes. Thim dongolas was +kid shoes.” + +“So said, Casey,” said Duo'an “For th' kid.” + +“No,” said Casey, “of th' kid.” + +“Sure!” said Gravemeyer. “So it is--the shoes of the child.” + +“Right fer ye!” exclaimed Casey. “Th' kid shoes of th' kid. 'Twas kid +leather they were made out of, Dugan. Th' dongola is some fancy kind +of a goat. Like box-calf is th' skin of th' calf of th' box-cow. Th' +dongola is some foreign kind of a goat, Dugan.” + +“Ho, ho-o-o!” cried Toole, suddenly, knocking on his forehead with +the knuckles of his fist. The three men turned their eyes upon him and +stared. + +“What ails ye now, Mike?” asked Dugan, disgustedly. + +“Ho-o-o!” he cried again, slapping himself on the top of his head. “Me +mind is comm' back t' me, Dugan! Th' effects of th' knock-out drops is +wearin' off! I recall now that th' dongola is some fancy kind of a goat. +'Twill all come back t' me soon. + +“Go along wid ye!” exclaimed Dugan. “Would ye be puttin' a goat in th' +lake for th' kids t' ride on?” + +“Sure!” said Toole enthusiastically. “Sure I would, Dugan. Not th' +common goat I wouldn't. But dongola goats I would. Have ye heard of +dongola water goats, Casey? Was thim dongola goat skin shoes warranted +t' be water-proof?” + +Casey wrinkled his brow. + +“'Tis like they was, Toole,” he said doubtfully. “'Tis like they was +warranted t' be, but they wasn't.” + +“Sure!” cried Toole joyously. “'Tis water-proof th' skin of th' dongola +water goats is, like th' skin of th' duck. An' swim? A duck isn't in it +wid a water goat. I remimber seein' thim in ould Ireland whin I was +a bye, Dugan, swimmin in th' lake of Killarney. Ah, 'twas a purty +picture.” + +“I seem t' remimber thim mesilf,” he said. “Not clear, but a bit.” + +“Sure ye do!” cried Toole. “Many's the time I have rode across th' lake +on th' back of a dongola. Me own father, who was a big man in th' ould +country, used t' keep a pair of thim for us childer. 'Twas himself +fetched thim from Donnegal, Dugan. 'Twas from Donnegal they got th' name +of thim, an' 'twas th' name ye give thim that misled me. Donnegoras +was what we called thim in th' ould counry--donnegoras from Donnegal. I +remimber th' two of thim I had whin I was a kid, Dugan--wan was a Nanny, +an' wan was a Billy, an'--” + +“Go on home, Mike,” said Dugan. “Go on home an' sleep it off!” and the +little alderman from the Fourth Ward picked up his hat and coat, and +obeyed his orders. + +Instituting a new public park and seeing that in every purchase and +every contract there is a rake-off for the ring is a big job, and +between this and the fight against the rapidly increasing strength of +the reform party, Mayor Dugan had his hands more than full. He had no +time to think of dongolas, and he did not want to think of them--Toole +was the committee on dongolas, and it was his duty to think of them, +and to worry about them, if any worry was necessary. But Toole did not +worry. He sat down and wrote a letter to his cousin Dennis, official +keeper of the zoo in Idlewild Park at Franklin, Iowa. + + +“Dear Dennis,” he wrote. “Have you any dongola goats in your menagery +for I want two right away good strong ones answer right away your +affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole.” + +“Ps monny no object.” + + +When Dennis Toole received this letter he walked through his zoo and +considered his animals thoughtfully. The shop-worn brown bear would not +do to fill cousin Mike's order; neither would the weather-worn red deer +nor the family of variegated tame rabbits. The zoo of Idlewild Park at +Franklin was woefully short of dongola goats--in fact, to any but the +most imaginative and easily pleased child, it was lacking in nearly +every thing that makes a zoo a congress of the world's most rare and +thrilling creatures. After all, the nearest thing to a goat was a goat, +and goats were plenty in Franklin. Dennis felt an irresistible longing +to aid Mike--the longing that comes to any healthy man when a request +is accompanied by the legend “Money no object.” He wrote that evening to +Mike. + + +“Dear Mike,” he wrote. “I've got two good strong dongola goats I can let +you have cheap. I'm overstocked with dongolas to-day. I want to get rid +of two. Zoo is getting too crowded with all kinds of animals and I +don't need so many dongola goats. I will sell you two for fifty dollars. +Apiece. What do you want them for? Your affectionate cousin, Dennis +Toole, Zoo keeper. PS. Crates extra.” + + +“Casey,” said Mike to his friend the saloon keeper when he received this +communication, “'tis just as I told ye--dongolas is goats. I have +been corrispondin' with wan of th' celibrated animal men regardin' th' +dongola water goat, an' I have me eye on two of thim this very minute. +But 'twill be ixpinsive, Casey, mighty ixpinsive. Th' dongola water +goat is a rare birrd, Casey. They have become extinct in th' lakes +of Ireland, an' what few of thim is left in th' worrld is held at +outrajeous prices. In th' letter I have from th' animal man, Casey, he +wants two hundred dollars apiece for each dongola water goat, an' 'twill +be no easy thing for him t' git thim.” + +“Hasn't he thim in his shop, Mike?” asked Casey. + +“He has not, Casey,” said the little alderman. “He has no place for +thim. Cages he has, an' globes for goldfish, an' birrd cages, but th' +size of th' shop l'aves no room for an aquarium, Casey. He has no tank +for the preservation of water goats. Hippopotamuses an' alligators an' +crocodiles an' dongola water goats an' sea lions he does not keep in +stock, Casey, but sinds out an' catches thim whin ordered. He writes +that his agints has their eyes on two fine dongolas, an' he has +tiligraphed thim t' catch thim.” + +“Are they near by, Mike?” asked Casey, much interested. + +“Naw,” said Toole. “'Twill be some time till I git thim. Th' last he +heard of thim they were swimmin' in th' Lake of Geneva.” + +“Is it far, th' lake?” asked Casey. + +“I disremimber how far,” said Toole. “'Tis in Africa or Asia, or mebby +'tis in Constantinople. Wan of thim countries it is, annyhow.” + +But to his cousin Dennis he wrote: + + +“Dear Dennis--I will take them two dongolas. Crate them good and solid. +Do not send them till I tell you. Send the bill to me. Your affectionate +cousin alderman Michael Toole. Ps Make bill for two hundred dollars a +piece. Business is business. This is between us two. M. T.” + + +A Keeper of the Water Goats had been selected with the utmost care, +combining in the choice practical politics with a sense of fitness. +Timothy Fagan was used to animals--for years he had driven a dumpcart. +He was used to children--he had ten or eleven of his own. And he +controlled several votes in the Fourth Ward. His elevation from the +dump-cart of the street cleaning department to the high office of +Keeper of the Water Goats was one that Dugan believed would give general +satisfaction. + +When the goats arrived in Jeffersonville the two heavy crates were +hauled to Alderman Toole's back yard to await the opening of the park, +and there Mayor Dugan and Goat Keeper Fagan came to inspect them. +Alderman Toole led the way to them with pride, and Mayor Dugan's creased +brow almost uncreased as he bent down and peered between the bars of the +crates. They were fine goats. Perhaps they looked somewhat more dejected +than a goat usually looks--more dirty and down at the heels than a goat +often looks--but they were undoubtedly goats. As specimens of ordinary +Irish goats they might not have passed muster with a careful buyer, but +no doubt they were excellent examples of the dongola. + +“Ye have done good, Mike,” said the mayor. “Ye have done good! But ain't +they mebby a bit off their feed--or something?” + +“Off their feed!” said Toole. “An' who wouldn't be, poor things? Mind +ye, Dugan, thim is not common goats--thim is dongolas--an' used to bein' +in th' wather con-continuous from mornin' till night. 'Tis sufferin' for +a swim they be, poor animals. Wance let thim git in th' lake an' ye will +see th' difference, Dugan. 'Twill make all th' difference in th' worrld +t' thim. 'Tis dyin' for a swim they are.” + +“Sure!” said the Keeper of the Water Goats. “Ye have done good, Mike,” + said the mayor again. “Thim dongolas will be a big surprise for th' +people.” + +They were. They surprised the Keeper of the Goats first of all. The day +before the park was to be opened to the public the goats were taken to +the park and turned over to their official keeper. At eleven +o'clock that morning Alderman Toole was leaning against Casey's bar, +confidentially pouring into his ear the story of how the dongolas had +given their captors a world of trouble, swimming violently to the far +reaches of Lake Geneva and hiding among the bulrushes and reeds, when +the swinging door of the saloon was banged open and Tim Fagan rushed in. +He was mad. He was very mad, but he was a great deal wetter than mad. He +looked as if he had been soaked in water over night, and not wrung out +in the morning. + +“Mike!” he whispered hoarsely, grasping the little alderman by the arm. +“I want ye! I want ye down at th' park.” + +A chill of fear passed over Alderman Toole. He turned his face to Fagan +and laid his hand on his shoulder. + +“Tim,” he demanded, “has annything happened t' th' dongolas?” + +“Is annything happened t' th' dongolas!” exclaimed Fagan sarcastically. +“Is annything wrong with thim water goats? Oh, no, Toole! Nawthin' +has gone wrong with thim! Only they won't go into th' wather, Mike! Is +annything gone wrong with thim, did ye say? Nawthin'! They be in good +health, but they are not crazy t' be swimmin'. Th' way they do not +hanker t' dash into th' water is marvellous, Mike. No water for thim!” + +“Hist!” said Toole uneasily, glancing around to see that no one but +Casey was in hearing. “Mebby ye have not started thim right, Tim.” + +“Mebby not,” said Fagan angrily. “Mebby I do not know how t' start th' +water goat, Toole! Mebby there is one way unbeknownst t' me. If so, I +have not tried it. But th' forty-sivin other ways I have tried, an' th' +goats will not swim. I have started thim backwards an' I have started +thim frontwards, an' I have took thim in by th' horns an' give thim +lessons t' swim, an' they will not swim! I have done me duty by thim, +Mike, an' I have wrastled with thim, an' rolled in th' lake with thim. +Was it t' be swimmin' teacher t' water goats ye got me this job for?” + +“Hist!” said Toole again. “Not so loud, Tim! Ye haven't told Dugan have +ye?” + +“I have not!” said Tim, with anger. “I have not told annybody annything +excipt thim goats an' what I told thim is not dacint hearin'. I have +conversed with thim in strong language, an' it done no good. No swimmin' +for thim! Come on down an' have a chat with thim yersilf, Toole. Come +on down an' argue with thim, an persuade thim with th' soft sound of yer +voice t' swim. Come on down an' git thim water goats used t' th' water.” + +“Ye don't understand th' water goat, Tim,” said Toole in gentle reproof. +“I will show ye how t' handle him,” and he went out, followed by the wet +Keeper of the Water Goats. + +The two water goats stood at the side of the lake, wet and mournful, +tied to two strong stakes. They looked weary and meek, for they had had +a hard morning, but as soon as they saw Tim Fagan they brightened up. +They arose simultaneously on their hind legs and their eyes glittered +with deadly hatred. They strained at their ropes, and then, suddenly, +panic-stricken, they turned and ran, bringing up at the ends of their +ropes with a shock that bent the stout stakes to which they were +fastened. They stood still and cowered, trembling. + +“Lay hold!” commanded Toole. “Lay hold of a horn of th' brute till I +show ye how t' make him swim.” + +Through the fresh gravel of the beach the four feet of the reluctant +goat ploughed deep furrows. It shook its head from side to side, but +Toole and Fagan held it fast, and into the water it went. + +“Now!” cried Alderman Toole. “Git behind an' push, Tim! Wan! Two! Three! +Push!” + +Alderman Toole released his hold and Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan +pushed. Then they tried the other goat. It was easier to try the other +water goat than to waste time hunting up the one they had just tried, +for it had gone away. As soon as Alderman Toole let it go, it went. It +seemed to want to get to the other end of the park as soon as possible, +but it did not take the short cut across the lake--it went around. But +it did not mind travel--it went to the farthest part of the park, and it +would have gone farther if it could. So Alderman Toole and Keeper Fagan +tried the other water goat. That one went straight to the other end of +the park. It swerved from a straight line but once, and that was when +it shied at a pail of water that was in the way. It did not seem to like +water. + +In the Franklin Zoo Dennis Toole had just removed the lid of his tin +lunch-pail when the telegraph boy handed him the yellow envelope. He +turned it over and over, studying its exterior, while the boy went to +look at the shop-worn brown bear. The zoo keeper decided that there was +no way to find out what was inside of the envelope but to open it. He +was ready for the worst. He wondered, unthinkingly, which one of his +forty or more cousins was dead, and opened the envelope. + +“Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo,” he read, “Dongolas won't swim. How do you +make them swim? Telegraph at once. Michael Toole.” + +He laid the telegram across his knees and looked at it as if it was some +strange communication from another sphere. He pushed his hat to one side +of his head and scratched the tuft of red hair thus bared. + +“'Dongolas won't swim!”' he repeated slowly. “An' how do I make thim +swim? I wonder does Cousin Mike take th' goat t' be a fish, or what? +I wonder does he take swimmin' to be wan of th' accomplishments of th' +goat?” He shook his head in puzzlement, and frowned at the telegram. +“Would he be havin' a goat regatta, I wonder, or was he expectin' th' +goat t' be a web-footed animal? 'Won't swim!' he repeated angrily. +'Won't swim!' An' what is it to me if they won't swim? Nayther would +I swim if I was a goat. 'Tis none of me affair if they will not swim. +There was nawthin' said about 'swimmin' goats.' Goats I can give him, +an' dongola goats I can give him, an jumpin' goats, an' climbin' goats, +an' walkin' goats, but 'tis not in me line t'furnish submarine goats. +No, nor goats t' fly up in th' air! Would anny one,” he said with +exasperation, “would anny one that got a plain order for goats ixpict t' +have t' furnish goats that would hop up off th' earth an' make a balloon +ascension? 'Tis no fault of Dennis Toole's thim goats won't swim. What +will Mike be telegraphin' me nixt, I wonder? 'Dear Dennis: Th' goats +won't lay eggs. How do ye make thim?' Bye, have ye a piece of paper t' +write an answer t' me cousin Mike on?” + +The Keeper of the Water Goats and Alderman Toole were sitting on a +rustic bench looking sadly at the water goats when the Jeffersonville +telegraph messenger brought them Dennis Toole's answer. Alderman Toole +grasped the envelope eagerly and tore it open, and Fagan leaned over his +shoulder as he read it: + + +“Michael Toole, Alderman, Jeffersonville,” they read. “Put them in the +water and see if they will swim. Dennis Toole.” + + +“Put thim in th' wather!” exclaimed Alderman Toole angrily. “Why don't +ye put thim in th' wather, Fagan? Why did ye not think t' put thim +in th' wather?” He looked down at his soaking clothes, and his anger +increased. “Why have ye been tryin' t' make thim dongolas swim on land, +Fagan?” he asked sarcastically. “Or have ye been throwin' thim up in th' +air t' see thim swim? Why don't ye put thim in th' wather? Why don't +ye follow th' instructions of th' expert dongola water goat man an' put +thim in th' wather if ye want thim t' swim?” + +Fagan looked at the angry alderman. He looked at the dripping goats. + +“So I did, Mike,” he said seriously. “We both of us did.” + +“An' did we!” cried Alderman Toole in mock surprise. “Is it possible we +thought t' put thim in th' wather whin we wanted thim t' swim? It was in +me mind that we tied thim to a tree an' played ring-around-a-rosy +with thim t' induce thim t' swim! Where's a pencil? Where's a piece of +paper?” he cried. + +He jerked them from the hand of the messenger boy. The afternoon was +half worn away. Every minute was precious. He wrote hastily and handed +the message to the messenger boy. + +“Fagan,” he said, as the boy disappeared down the path at a run, “raise +up yer spirits an come an' give th' water goats some more instructions +in th' ginteel art of swimmin' in th' wather.” + +Fagan sighed and arose. He walked toward the dejected water goats, and, +taking the nearest one by the horns yanked it toward the lake. The goat +was too weak to do more than hold back feebly and bleat its disapproval +of another bath. The more lessons in swimming it received the less it +seemed to like to swim. It had developed a positive hatred of swimming. + +Dennis Toole received the second telegram with a savage grin. He had +expected it. He opened it with malicious slowness. + + +“Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo,” he read. “Where do you think I put them to +make them swim? They won't swim in the lake. It won't do no good to +us for them to swim on dry land. No fooling, now, how do you make them +dongolas swim? Answer quick. + +“Michael Toole.” + + +He did not have to study out his reply, for he had been considering it +ever since he had sent the other telegram. He took a blank from the +boy and wrote the answer. The sun was setting when the Jeffersonville +messenger delivered it to Alderman Toole. + + +“Mike Toole, Jeffersonville,” it said. “Quit fooling, yourself. Don't +you know young dongolas are always water-shy at first? Tie them in the +lake and let them soak, and they will learn to swim fast enough. If I +didn't know any more about dongolas than you do I would keep clear of +them. Dennis Toole.” + + +“Listen to that now,” said Alderman Toole, a smile spreading over his +face. “An' who ever said I knew annything about water goats, anny how? +Th' natural history of th' water goat is not wan of the things usually +considered part of th' iducation of th' alderman from th' Fourth Ward, +Fagan, but 'tis surprised I am that ye did not know th' goat is like th' +soup bean, an' has t' be soaked before usin'. Th' Keeper of th' Water +Goat should know th' habits of th' animal, Fagan. Why did ye not put +thim in to soak in th' first place? I am surprised at ye!” + +“It escaped me mind,” said Fagan. “I was thinkin' these was broke t' +swimmin' an' did not need t' be soaked. I wonder how long they should be +soaked, Mike?” + +“'Twill do no harrm t' soak thim over night, anny how,” said Toole. +“Over night is th' usual soak given t' th' soup-bean an' th' salt +mackerel, t' say nawthin' of th' codfish an' others of th' water-goat +family. Let th' water goats soak over night, Fagan, an by mornin' they +will be ready t' swim like a trout. We will anchor thim in th' lake, +Fagan--an' we will say nawthin' t' Dugan. 'Twould be a blow t' Dugan +was he t' learn th' dongolas provided fer th' park was young an' +wather-shy.” + +They anchored the water goats firmly in the lake, and left them there to +overcome their shyness, which seemed, as Fagan and Toole left them, to +be as great as ever. The goats gazed sadly, and bleated longingly, after +the two men as they disappeared in the dusk, and when the men had passed +entirely out of sight, the goats looked at each other and complained +bitterly. + +Alderman Toole thoughtfully changed his wet clothes for dry ones before +he went to Casey's that evening, for he thought Dugan might be there, +and he was. He was there when Toole arrived, and his brow was black. +He had had a bad day of it. Everything had gone wrong with him and his +affairs. A large lump of his adherents had sloughed off from his party +and had affiliated with his opponents, and the evening opposition paper +had come out with a red-hot article condemning the administration for +reckless extravagance. It had especially condemned Dugan for burdening +the city with new bonds to create an unneeded park, and the whole thing +had ended with a screech of ironic laughter over the--so the editor +called it--fitting capstone of the whole business, the purchase of two +dongola goats at perfectly extravagant prices. + +“Mike,” said the big mayor severely, when the little alderman had +offered his greetings, “there is the divil an' all t' pay about thim +dongolas. Th' News is full of thim. 'Twill be th' ind of us all if they +do not pan out well. Have ye tried thim in th' water yet?” + +“Sure!” exclaimed the little alderman with a heartiness he did not feel. +“What has me an' Fagan been doin' all day but tryin' thim? Have no fear +of th' wather goats, Dugan.” + +“Do they swim well, Mike?” asked the big mayor kindly, but with a weary +heaviness he did not try to conceal. + +“Swim!” exclaimed Toole. “Did ye say swim, Dugan? Swim is no name for +th' way they rip thro' the wather! 'Twas marvellous t' see thim. Ah, +thim dongolas is wonderful animals! Do ye think we could persuade thim +t' come out whin we wanted t' come home? Not thim, Dugan! 'Twas all me +an' Fagan could do t' pull thim out by main force, an' th' minute we let +go of thim, back they wint into th' wather. 'Twas pitiful t' hear th' +way they bleated t' be let back into th' wather agin, Dugan, so we let +thim stay in for th' night.” + +“Ye did not let thim loose in th' lake, Mike?” exclaimed the big mayor. +“Ye did not let thim be so they could git away?” + +“No,” said Toole. “No! They'll not git away, Dugan. We anchored thim +fast.” + +“Ye done good, Mike,” said the big mayor. + +The next morning Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan was down sufficiently +early to drag the bodies of the goats out of the lake long before even +the first citizen was admitted to the park. Alone, and hastily he hid +them in the little tool house, and locked the door on them. Then he went +to find Alderman Toole. He found him in the mayor's office, and beckoned +him to one side. In hot, quick accents he told him the untimely fate of +the dongola water goats, and the mayor--with an eye for everything on +that important day--saw the red face of Alderman Toole grow longer and +redder; saw the look of pain and horror that overspread it. A chilling +fear gripped his own heart. + +“Mike,” he said. “What's th' matter with th' dongolas?” + +It was Fagan who spoke, while the little alderman from the Fourth Ward +stood bereft of speech in this awful moment. + +“Dugan,” he said, “I have not had much ixperience with th' dongola +wather goat, an' th' ways an' habits of thim is strange t' me, but if I +was t' say what I think, I would say they was over-soaked.” + +“Over-soaked, Fagan?” said the mayor crossly. “Talk sense, will ye?” + +“Sure!” said Fagan. “An' over-soaked is what I say. Thim water goats has +all th' looks of bein' soaked too long. I would not say positive, Yer +Honour, but that is th' looks of thim. If me own mother was t' ask me I +would say th' same, Dugan. 'Soakin' too long done it,' is what I would +say.” + +“You are a fool, Fagan!” exclaimed the big mayor. + +“Well,” said Fagan mildly, “I have not had much ixperience in soakin' +dongolas, if ye mean that, Dugan. I do not set up t' be an expert +dongola soaker. I do not know th' rules t' go by. Some may like thim +soaked long an' some may like thim soaked not so long, but if I was to +say, I would say thim two dongolas at th' park has been soaked a dang +sight too long. Th' swim has been soaked clean out of thim.” + +“Are they sick?” asked the big mayor. “What is th' matter with thim?” + +“They do look sick,” agreed Fagan, breaking the bad news gently. “I +should say they look mighty sick, Dugan. If they looked anny sicker, I +would be afther lookin' for a place t' bury thim in. An' I am lookin' +for th' place now.” + +As the truth dawned on the mind of the big mayor, he lost his firm look +and sank into a chair. This was the last brick pulled from under his +structure of hopes. His head sank upon his breast and for many minutes +he was silent, while his aides stood abashed and ill at ease. At last +he raised his head and stared at Toole, more in sorrow than in +resentfulness. + +“Mike,” he said, “Mike Toole! What in th' worrld made ye soak thim +dongolas?” + +“Dugan,” pleaded Toole, laying his hand on the big mayor's arm. “Dugan, +old man, don't look at me that way. There was nawthin' else t' do but +soak thim dongolas. Many's th' time I have seen me old father soakin' +th' young dongolas t' limber thim up for swimmin'. 'If iver ye have to +do with dongolas, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'soak thim well firrst.' +So I soaked thim, an' 'tis none of me fault, nor Fagan's either, that +they soaked full o' wather. First-class dongolas is wather-proof, as +iveryone knows, Dugan, an' how was we t' know thim two was not? How +was me an' Fagan t' know their skins would soak in wather like a pillow +case? Small blame to us, Dugan.” + +The big mayor took his head between his hands and stared moodily at the +floor. + +“Go awn away!” he said after a while. “Ye have done for me an' th' byes, +Toole. Ye have soaked us out of office, wan an' all of us. I want t' be +alone. It is all over with us. Go awn away.” + +Toole and the Keeper of the Water Goats stole silently from the room and +out into the street. Fagan was the first to speak. + +“How was we t' know thim dongolas would soak in wather that way, Toole?” + he said defensively. “How was we t' know they was not th' wather-proof +kind of dongolas?” + +The little alderman from the Fourth Ward walked silently by the Keeper's +side. His head was downcast and his hands were clasped beneath the tails +of his coat. Suddenly he looked Fagan full in the face. + +“'Twas our fault, Fagan,” he said. “'Twas all our fault. If we didn't +know thim dongolas was wather-proof we should have varnished thim before +we put thim in th' lake t' soak. I don't blame you, Fagan, for ye did +not know anny better, but I blame mesilf. For I call t' mind now that +me father always varnished th' dongolas before he soaked thim overnight. +'Take no chances, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'always varnish thim +firrst. Some of thim is rubbery an' will not soak up wather, but some is +spongy, an' 'tis best t' varnish one an' all of thim.”' + +“Think of that now!” exclaimed Fagan with admiration. “Sure, but this +natural history is a wonderful science, Toole! To think that thim +animals was th' spongyhided dongola water goats of foreign lands, an' +used t' bein' varnished before each an' every bath! An' t' me they +looked no different from th' goats of me byehood! I was never cut out +for a goat keeper, Mike. An' me job on th' dump-cart is gone, too. +'Twill be hard times for Fagan.” + +“'Twill be hard times for Toole, too,” said the little alderman, and +they walked on without speaking until Fagan reached his gate. + +“Well, anny how,” he said with cheerful philosophy, “'tis better t' +be us than to be thim dongola water goats--dead or alive. 'Tis not +too often I take a bath, Mike, but if I was wan of thim spongy-hided +dongolas an' had t' be varnished each time I got in me bath tub, I would +stop bathin' for good an' all.” + +He looked toward the house. + +“I'll not worry,” he said. “Maggie will be sad t' hear th' job is gone, +but she would have took it harder t' know her Tim was wastin' his time +varnishin' th' slab side of a spongy goat.” + + + + +II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS + + +On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home at +Westcote very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, like a thief +in the night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In two minutes he was +asleep, and it was no wonder, for by that time it was five minutes after +three in the morning, and Mr. Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock. +Even when he was delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule to +catch the nine o'clock train home. + +When Mrs. Billings awoke the next--or, rather, that same--morning, she +gazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her husband, and was in +the satisfied frame of mind that takes an unexpected train delay as +a legitimate excuse, when she happened to cast her eyes upon Mr. +Billings's coat, which was thrown carelessly over the foot of the bed. +Protruding from one of the side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle, +half full of milk. Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searching +Mr. Billings's other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful. + +In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, such as +ladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of their own, and +these curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, when she dived into +his trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns carefully wrapped in a +lady's handkerchief, with the initials “T. M. C.” embroidered in one +corner. + +All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau drawer and +proceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. Billings, he yawned, +stretched, and then, realizing that getting-up time had arrived, hopped +briskly out of bed. + +“You got in late last night,” said Mrs. Billings pleasantly. + +If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was mistaken. +He continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if he had a clear +conscience. + +“Indeed I did, Mary,” he said. “It was three when I entered the house, +for the clock was just striking.” + +“Something must have delayed you,” suggested Mrs. Billings. + +“Otherwise, dear,” said Mr. Billings, “I should have been home much +sooner. + +“Probably,” said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most sarcastic +tone, as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew out the patent +nursing-bottle, “this had something to do with your being delayed!” + +Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, and then he drew out his +watch and looked at that. + +“My dear,” he said, “you are right. It did. But I now have just time +to gulp down my coffee and catch my train. To-night, when I return from +town, I will tell you the most remarkable story of that nursing-bottle, +and how it happened to be in my pocket, and in the mean time I beg +you--I most sincerely beg you--to feel no uneasiness.” + +With this he hurried out of the room, and a few moments later his wife +saw him running for his train. + +All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most disturbing thoughts, and +as soon as dinner was finished that evening she led the way into the +library. + +“Now, Rollin?” she said, and without hesitation Mr. Billings began. + +I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE + + +You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, the coloured elevator boy in our +office building, and you know what a pleasant, accommodating lad he is. +He is the sort of boy for whom one would gladly do a favour, for he is +always so willing to do favours for others, but I was thinking nothing +of this when I stepped from my office at exactly five o'clock yesterday +evening. I was thinking of nothing but getting home to dinner as soon as +possible, and was just stepping into the elevator when Lemuel laid his +hand gently on my arm. + +“I beg yo' pahdon, Mistah Billings,” he said politely, “but would yo' do +me a favour?” + +“Certainly, Lemuel,” I said; “how much can I lend you?” + +“'Tain't that, sah,” he said. “I wish t' have a word or two in private +with yo'. Would yo' mind steppin' back into yo' office until I git these +folks out of th' buildin', so's I can speak to yo'?” + +I knew I had still half an hour before my six-two train, and I was +not unwilling to do Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my office as he +desired, and waited there until he appeared, which was not until he had +taken all the tenants down in his elevator. Then he opened the door and +came in. With him was the young man I had often seen in the office next +to mine, as I passed, and a young woman on whom I had never set my eyes +before. No sooner had they opened the door than the young man began to +speak, and Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side. + +“Mr. Billings,” said the young man, “you may think it strange that I +should come to you in this way when you and I are hardly acquaintances, +but I have often observed you passing my door, and have noted your +kind-looking face, and the moment I found this trouble upon me I +instantly thought of you as the one man who would be likely to help me +out of my difficulty.” + +While he said this I had time to study his face, and also to glance at +the young woman, and I saw that he must, indeed, be in great trouble. I +also saw that the young woman was pretty and modest and that she, also, +was in great distress. I at once agreed to help him, provided I should +not be made to miss the six-thirty train, for I saw I was already too +late for the six-two. + +“Good!” he cried. “For several years Madge--who is this young lady--and +I have been in love, and we wish to be married this evening, but her +father and my father are waiting at the foot of the elevator at this +minute, and they have been waiting there all day. There is no other way +for us to leave the building, for the foot of the stairs is also the +foot of the elevator, and, in fact, when I last peeped, Madge's father +was sitting on the bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen minutes of +six, and at six o'clock they mean to come up and tear Madge and me away, +and have us married.” + +“To--” I began. + +“To each other,” said the young man with emotion. + +“But I thought that was what you wanted?” I exclaimed. + +“Not at all! Not at all!” said the young man, and the young woman added +her voice in protest, too. “I am the head of the Statistical Department +of the Society for the Obtaining of a Uniform National Divorce Law, and +the work in that department has convinced me beyond a doubt that forced +marriages always end unhappily. In eighty-seven thousand six hundred and +four cases of forced marriages that I have tabulated I have found that +eighty-seven thousand six hundred and three have been unhappy. In the +face of such statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves to be +married against our wills. We insist on marrying voluntarily.” + +“That could be easily arranged,” I ventured to say, “in view of the fact +that both your fathers wish you to be married.” + +“Not at all,” said Madge, with more independence than I had thought her +capable of; “because my father and Henry's father are gentlemen of +the old school. I would not say anything against either father, for in +ordinary affairs I they are two most suave and charming old gentlemen, +but in this they hold to the old-school idea that children should allow +their parents to select their life-partners, and they insist that Henry +and I allow ourselves to be forced to marry each other. And that, +in spite of the statistics Henry has shown them. Our whole happiness +depends on our getting out of this building before they can come up and +get us. That is why we appeal to you.” + +“If you still hesitate, after what Madge has said,” said Henry, pulling +a large roll of paper out of his pocket, “here are the statistics.” + +“Very well,” I said, “I will help you, if I can do so and not miss the +six-thirty train. What is your plan?” + +“It is very simple,” said Henry. “Our fathers are both quite +near-sighted, and as six o'clock draws near they will naturally become +greatly excited and nervous, and, therefore, less observant of small +things. I have brought with me some burnt cork with which I will blacken +my face, and I will change clothes with Lemuel, and, in the one moment +necessary to escape, my father will not recognize me. Lemuel, on +the other hand, will whiten his face with some powder that Madge has +brought, and will wear my clothes, and in the excitement my father will +seize him instead of me.” + +“Excellent,” I said, “but what part do I play in this?” + +“This part,” said Henry, “you will wear, over your street clothes, a +gown that Madge has brought in her suit-case and a hat that she has also +brought, both of which her father will easily recognize, while Madge +will redden her face with rouge, muss her hair, don a torn, calico +dress, and with a scrub-rag and a mop in her hands easily pass for a +scrub-woman. + +“And then?” I asked. + +“Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously down the stairs, as if you +were Madge and I seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as Lemuel and the +scrub-woman, will go down by the elevator. My father and Madge's father +will seize you and Lemuel--” + +“And I shall appear like a fool when they discover I am a respectable +business man rigged up in woman's clothes,” I said. + +“Not at all,” said Madge, “for Henry and I have thought of that. You +must play your part until you see that henry and I have escaped from +the elevator and have left the building, and that is all. I have had the +forethought to prepare an alibi for you. As soon as you see that Henry +and I are safe outside the building, you must become very indignant, and +insist that you are a respectable married woman, and in proof you +must hand my father the contents of this package. He will be convinced +immediately and let you go, and then Lemuel can run you up to your +office and you can take off my dress and hat and catch the six-thirty +train without trouble.” She then handed me a small parcel, which I +slipped into my coat pocket. + +When this had been agreed upon she and Henry left the office and I took +the hat and dress from the suit-case and put them on, while Lemuel put +on Henry's suit and whitened his face. This took but a few minutes, and +we went into the hall and found Henry and Madge already waiting for us. +Henry was blackened into a good likeness of Lemuel, and Madge was quite +a mussy scrub-woman. They immediately entered the elevator and began to +descend slowly, while Lemuel and I crept down the stairs. + +Lemuel and I kept as nearly as possible opposite the elevator, so that +we might arrive at the foot of the stairs but a moment before Madge and +Henry, and we could hear the two fathers shuffling on the street floor, +when suddenly, as we reached the third floor, we heard a whisper from +Henry in the elevator. The elevator had stuck fast between the third and +fourth floors. As with one mind, Lemuel and I seated ourselves on a step +and waited until Henry should get the elevator running again and could +proceed to the street floor. + +For a while we could hear no noise but the grating of metal on metal as +Henry worked with the starting lever of the elevator, and then we heard +the two voices of the fathers. + +“It is a ruse,” said one father. “They are pretending the elevator is +stuck, and when we grow impatient and start up the stairs they will come +down with a rush and escape us.” + +“But we are not so silly as that,” said the other father. “We will stay +right here and wait until they come down.” + +At that Lemuel and I settled ourselves more comfortably, for there was +nothing else to do. I cursed inwardly as I felt the minutes slip by and +knew that half-past six had come and gone, but I was sure you would not +like to have me desert those two poor lovers who were fighting to ward +off the statistics, so I sat still and silent. So did Lemuel. + +I do not know how long I sat there, for it was already dark in the +narrow stairway, but it must have been a long time. I drowsed off, and +I was finally awakened by Lemuel tugging at my sleeve, and I knew that +Henry had managed to start the elevator again. Lemuel and I hastened our +steps, and just as the elevator was coming into sight below the second +floor we were seen by the two fathers. For an instant they hesitated, +and then they seized us. At the same time the elevator door opened and +Henry and Madge came out, and the two fathers hardly glanced at them as +they went out of the door into the street. + +As soon as I saw that they were safe I feigned great indignation, and so +did Lemuel. + +“Unhand me, sir!” I cried. “Who do you think I am? I am a respectable +married lady, leaving the building with her husband. Unhand me!” + +Instead of doing so, however, the father that had me by the arm drew me +nearer to the hall light. As he did so he stared closely at my face. + +“Morgan,” he said to the other father, “this is not my daughter. My +daughter did not have a moustache.” + +“Indeed, I am not your daughter,” I said; “I am a respectable married +lady, and here is the proof.” + +With that I reached for the package Madge had given me, but it was in my +coat-pocket, underneath the dress I had on, and it was only with great +difficulty and by raising one side of the skirt that I was able to get +it. I unwrapped it and showed it to the father that had me by the arm. +It was the patent nursing-bottle. + +When Mr. Billings had finished his relation his wife sat for a moment in +silence. Then she said: + +“And he let you go?” + +“Yes, of course,” said Mr. Billings; “he could not hold me after such +proof as that, and Lemuel ran me up to my office, where I changed my +hat and took off the dress. I knew it was late, and I did not know +what train I could catch, but I made haste, and, on the way down in the +elevator, I felt in my pocket to see if I had my commutation ticket, +when my hand struck the patent nursing-bottle. My first impulse was to +drop it in the car, but on second thought I decided to keep it, for +I knew that when you saw it and heard the story you would understand +perfectly why I was detained last night.” + +“Yes?” said Mrs. Billings questioningly. “But, my dear, all that does +not account for these.” + +As she said that she drew from her workbasket the three auburn-red +curls. + +“Oh, those!” said Mr. Billings, after a momentary hesitation. “I was +about to tell you about those.” + +“Do so!” said Mrs. Billings coldly. “I am listening.” + +II. THE THREE AUBURN-RED CURLS + + +When I went down in the elevator (said Mr. Billings) with the +nursing-bottle in my pocket, I had no thought but to get to the train +as soon as possible, for I saw by the clock in my office that I had just +time to catch the eleven-nine if I should not be delayed. Therefore, as +soon as I was outside the building I started to run, but when I reached +the corner and was just about to step on a passing street-car a hand was +laid on my arm, and I turned to see who was seeking to detain me. It was +a woman in the most pitiable rags, and on her arm she carried a baby so +thin and pale that I could scarcely believe it lived. + +One glance at the child showed me that it was on the verge of death +by starvation, and this was confirmed by the moans of the mother, who +begged me for humanity's sake to give her money with which to provide +food for the child, even though I let her, herself, starve. You know, +my dear, you never allow me to give money to street beggars, and +I remembered this, but at the same time I remembered the patent +nursing-bottle I still carried in my pocket. + +Without hesitation I drew the patent nursing-bottle from my pocket and +told the mother to allow the infant to have a sufficient quantity of +milk it contained to sustain the child's life until she could procure +other alms or other aid. With a cry of joy the mother took the +nursing-bottle and pressed it to the poor baby's lips, and it was with +great pleasure I saw the rosy colour return to the child's cheeks. The +sadness of despair that had shadowed the mother's face also fled, and +I could see that already she was looking on life with a more optimistic +view. + +I verily believe the child could have absorbed the entire contents of +the bottle, but I had impressed upon the mother that she was to give the +child only sufficient to sustain life, not to suffice it until it was +grown to manhood or womanhood, and when the bottle was half-emptied the +mother returned it to me. How much time all this occupied I do not know, +but the child took the milk with extreme slowness. I may say that it +took the milk drop by drop. A great deal of time must have elapsed. + +But when the mother had returned the patent nursing-bottle to me and saw +how impatient I was to be gone, she still retained her hold upon my arm. + +“Sir,” she said, “you have undoubtedly saved the life of my child, and +I only regret that I cannot repay you for all it means to me. But I +cannot. Stay!” she cried, when I was about to pull my arm away. “Has +your wife auburn-red hair?” + +“No,” I said, “she has not, her hair is a most beautiful black.” + +“No matter,” said the poor woman, putting her hand to her head. “Some +day she may wish to change the colour of her hair to auburn-red, which +is easily done with a little bleach and a little dye, and should she do +so these may come handy;” and with that she slipped something soft and +fluffy into my hand and fled into the night. When I looked, I saw in my +hand the very curls you hold there. My first impulse was to drop them in +the street, but I remembered that the poor woman had not given them to +me, but to you, and that it was my duty to bring them home to you, so I +slipped them into my pocket. + + +When Mr. Billings had ended this recital of what had happened to him his +wife said: + +“Huh!” + +At the same time she tossed the curls into the grate, where they +shrivelled up, burst into blue smoke, and shortly disappeared in ashes. + +“That is a very likely story,” she said, “but it does not explain how +this came to be in your pocket.” + + +Saying this she drew from her basket the handkerchief and handed it to +Mr. Billings. + +“Hah!” he exclaimed. For a moment he turned the rolled-up handkerchief +over and over, and then he cautiously opened it. At the sight of the +twelve acorns he seemed somewhat surprised, and when the initials “T. M. +C.” on the corner of the handkerchief caught his eye he blushed. + +“You are blushing--you are disturbed,” said Mrs. Billings severely. + +“I am,” said Mr. Billings, suddenly recovering himself; “and no wonder.” + +“And no wonder, indeed!” said Mrs Billings. “Perhaps, then, you can tell +me how those acorns and that handkerchief came to be in your pocket.” + +“I can,” said Mr. Billings, “and I will.” + +“You had better,” said Mrs. Billings. + +III. THE TWELVE ACORNS AND THE LADY'S HANDKERCHIEF + + +You may have noticed, my dear (said Mr. Billings), that the initials on +that handkerchief are “T. M. C.,” and I wish you to keep that in mind, +for it has a great deal to do with this story. Had they been anything +else that handkerchief would not have found its way into my pocket; and +when you see how those acorns and that handkerchief, and the half-filled +nursing-bottle and the auburn-red curls all combined to keep me out of +my home until the unearthly hour of three A. M., you will forget the +unjust suspicions which I too sadly fear you now hold against me, and +you will admit that a half-filled patent nursing-bottle, a trio of +curls, a lady's handkerchief and twelve acorns were the most natural +things in the world to find in my pockets. + +When I had left the poor woman with her no-longer-starving baby I +hurriedly glanced into a store window, and by the clock there saw it +was twenty minutes of one and that I had exactly time to catch the one +o'clock train, which is the last train that runs to Westcote. I glanced +up and down the street, but not a car was in sight, and I knew I could +not afford to wait long if I wished to catch that train. There was but +one thing to do, and that was to take a cab, and, as luck would have +it, at that moment an automobile cab came rapidly around the corner. I +raised my voice and my arm, and the driver saw or heard me, for he made +a quick turn in the street and drew up at the curb beside me. I hastily +gave him the directions, jumped in and slammed the door shut, and the +auto-cab immediately started forward at what seemed to me unsafe speed. + +We had not gone far when something in the fore part of the automobile +began to thump in a most alarming manner, and the driver slackened his +speed, drew up to the curb and stopped. He opened the door and put his +head in. + +“Something's gone wrong,” he said, “but don't you worry. I'll have it +fixed in no time, and then I can put on more speed and I'll get you +there in just the same time as if nothing had happened.” + +When he said this I was perfectly satisfied, for he was a nice-looking +man, and I lay back, for I was quite tired out, it was so long past my +usual bedtime; and the driver went to work, doing things I could not +understand to the fore part of the automobile, where the machinery is. +I remember thinking that the cushions of this automobile were unusually +soft, and then I must have dozed off, and when I opened my eyes I did +not know how much time had elapsed, but the driver was still at work +and I could hear him swearing. He seemed to be having a great deal of +trouble, so I got out of the automobile, intending to tell him that +perhaps I had better try to get a car, after all. But his actions when +he saw me were most unexpected. He waved the wrench he held in his hand, +and ordered me to get back into the automobile, and I did. I supposed +he was afraid he would lose his fare and tip, but in a few minutes he +opened the door again and spoke to me. + +“Now, sport,” he said, “there ain't no use thinkin' about gettin' that +train, because it's gone, and I may as well say now that you've got to +come with me, unless you want me to smash your head in. The fact is, +this ain't no public automobile, and I hadn't no right to take you for +a passenger. This automobile belongs to a lady and I'm her hired +chauffeur, and she's at a bridge-whist party in a house on Fifth Avenue, +and I'm supposed to be waiting outside that house. One-fifteen o'clock +was the time she said she would be out. But I thought maybe I might make +a dollar or two for myself instead of waiting there all that time, and +she would never know it. And now it is nearly two o'clock, and if I +go back alone she will be raving mad, and I'll get my discharge and no +references, and my poor wife and six children will have to starve. So +you will have to go with me and explain how it was that I wasn't there +at one-fifteen o'clock.” + +“My friend,” I said, “I am sorry for you, but I do not see how it would +help you, should I refuse to go and you should, as you say, smash my +head in.” + +“Don't you worry none about that,” he said. “If I smashed your head in, +as I could do easy enough with this wrench, I'd take what was left of +you up some dark street, and lay you on the pavement and run the machine +across you once or twice, and then take you to a hospital, and that +would be excuse enough. You'd be another 'Killed by an Automobile,' and +I'd be the hero that picked you up and took you to the hospital.” + +“Well,” I said, “under the circumstances I shall go with you, not +because you threaten me, but because your poor wife and six children are +threatened with starvation.” + +“Good!” he said. “And now all you have to do is to think of what the +excuse you will give my lady boss will be.” + +With that he lay back against the cushions and waited. He seemed to feel +that the matter did not concern him any more, and that the rest of it +lay with me. + +“Go ahead!” I said to him. “I have no idea what I shall tell your +mistress, but since I have lost the last train I must try to catch the +two o'clock trolley car to Westeote, and I do not wish to spend any more +time than necessary on this business. Make all the haste possible, and +as we go I shall think what I will say when we get there.” + +The driver got out and took his seat and started the car. I was worried, +indeed, my dear. I tried to think of something plausible to tell the +young man's employer; something that would have an air of self-proof, +when suddenly I remembered the half-filled nursing-bottle and the three +auburn-red curls. Why should I not tell the lady that a poor mother, +while proceeding down Fifth Avenue from her scrub-woman job, had been +taken suddenly ill, and that I, being near, had insisted that this +automobile help me convey the woman to her home, which we found, alas! +to be in the farthest districts of Brooklyn? Then I would produce the +three auburn-red curls and the half-filled nursing-bottle as having been +left in the automobile by the woman, and this proof would suffice. + +I had fully decided on this when the automobile stopped in front of a +large house in Fifth Avenue, and I had time to tell the driver that +I had thought of the proper thing to say, but that was all, for the +waiting lady came down the steps in great anger, and was about to begin +a good scolding, when she noticed me sitting in her automobile. + +If she had been angry before she was now furious, and she was the kind +of young woman who can be extremely furious when she tries. I think +nothing in the world could have calmed her had she not caught sight of +my face by the light of two strong lamps on a passing automobile. She +saw in my face what you see there now, my dear--the benevolent, fatherly +face of a settled-down, trustworthy, married man of past middle age--and +as if by magic her anger fled and she burst into tears. + +“Oh, sir!” she cried, “I do not know who you are, nor how you happen +to be in my car, but at this moment I am homeless and friendless. I am +alone in the world, and I need advice. Let me get into the car beside +you--” + +“Miss,” I said, “I do not like to disoblige you, but I can never allow +myself to be in an automobile at this time of night with a strange +woman, unchaperoned.” + +These words seemed almost more than she could bear, and my heart was +full of pity, but, just as I was about to spring from the automobile and +rush away, I saw on the walk the poor woman to whose baby I had given +the half of the contents of the patent nursing-bottle. I called her and +made her get into the automobile, and then I let the young woman enter. + +“Now,” I said, “where to?” + +“That,” she said, “is what I do not know. When I left my home this +evening I left it forever, and I left a note of farewell to my father, +which he must have received and read by this time, and if I went back he +would turn me from the door in anger, for he is a gentleman of the old +school.” + +When I heard these words I was startled. “Can it be,” I asked, “that you +have a brother henry?” + +“I have,” she admitted; “Henry Corwin is his name.” This was the name of +the young man I had helped that very evening to marry Madge. I told her +to proceed. + +“My father,” she said, “has been insisting that I marry a man I do not +love, and things have come to such a point that I must either accede or +take things into my own hands. I agreed to elope this evening with the +man I love, for he had long wished me to elope with him. I was to meet +him outside his house at exactly one-fifteen o'clock, and I told him +that if I was not there promptly he might know I had changed my mind. +When the time came for me to hasten to him in my automobile, which was +then to hurry us to a waiting minister, my automobile was not here. +Unfortunately I did not know my lover's address, for I had left it in +the card pocket in this automobile. I knew not what to do. As the time +passed and my automobile did not appear I knew that my lover had decided +that I was not coming, and had gone away into his house. Now I cannot go +home, for I have no home. I cannot so lower my pride as to ring the bell +of his house and say I wish to be forgiven and married even yet. What +shall I do?” + +For answer I felt in the card pocket of the automobile and drew out the +address of her lover, and without hesitation I gave the address to the +chauffeur. In a few minutes we were there. Leaving the young woman in +the car with the poor woman, I got out and surveyed the house. It was +unpromising. Evidently all the family but the young man were away for +the summer, and the doors and windows were all boarded up. There was not +a bell to ring. I pounded on the boards that covered the door, but it +was unavailing. The young woman called to me that the young man lived +in the front room of the topmost floor, and could not hear me, and I +glanced up and saw that one window alone of all those in the house was +not boarded up. Instantly I hopped upon the seat beside the driver and +said, “Central Park.” + +We dashed up Fifth Avenue and into the Park at full speed, and when we +were what I considered far enough in I ordered him to stop, and hurrying +up a low bank I began to grope among the leaves of last year under +the trees. I was right. In a few minutes I had filled my pockets with +acorns, was back in the car, and we were hurrying toward the house +of the lover, when I saw standing on a corner a figure I instantly +recognized as Lemuel, the elevator boy, and at the same time I +remembered that Lemuel spent his holidays pitching for a ball nine, He +was just the man I needed, and I stopped and made him get into the car. +In a minute more we were before the house again, and I handed Lemuel +a fistful of acorns. He drew back and threw them with all his strength +toward the upper window. + +My dear, will you believe it? Those acorns were wormy! They were light. +They would not carry to the window, but scattered like bits of chips +when they had travelled but half-way. I was upset, but Lemuel was not. +He ordered the chauffeur to drive to lower Sixth Avenue with all speed, +in order that he might get a baseball. With this he said he could +hit any mark, and we had started in that direction when, passing a +restaurant on Broadway, I saw emerge Henry and Madge. + +“Better far,” I said to myself, “put this young woman in charge of her +brother and his new wife than leave her to elope alone,” and I made the +chauffeur draw up beside them. Hastily I explained the situation, and +where we were going at that moment, and Henry and Madge laughed in +unison. + +“Madge,” said Henry, “we had no trouble making wormy acorns travel +through the air, had we?” And both laughed again. At this I made them +get into the automobile, and while we returned to the lover's house +I made them explain. It was very simple, and I had just tied a dozen +acorns tightly in my handkerchief, making a ball to throw at the window, +when the poor woman with the baby noticed that the window was partly +open. I asked Lemuel if he could throw straight enough to throw the +handkerchief-ball into the window, and he said he could, and took +the handkerchief, but a brighter idea came to me, and I turned to the +eloping young lady. + +“Let me have your handkerchief, if it has your initials on it,” I said; +“for when he sees that fall into his room he will know you are here. He +will not think you are forward, coming to him alone, for he will know +you could never have thrown the handkerchief, even if loaded with +acorns, to such a height. It will be your message to him.” + +At this, which I do pride myself was a suggestion worthy of myself, +all were delighted, and while I modestly tied twelve acorns in the +handkerchief on which were the initials “T. M. C.,” all the others +cheered. Even the woman from whom I had received the three auburn-red +curls cheered, and the baby that was half-filled out of the patent +nursing-bottle crowed with joy. But the chauffeur honked his honker. +Lemuel took the handkerchief full of acorns in his hand and drew back +his famous left arm, when suddenly Theodora Mitchell Corwin--for that +was the eloping young lady's name--shrieked, and looking up we saw her +lover at the window. He gave an answering yell and disappeared, and +Lemuel let his left arm fall and handed me the handkerchief-ball. + +In the excitement I dropped it into my pocket, and it was not until I +was on the car for Westcote that I discovered it, and then, not wishing +to be any later in getting home, I did not go back to give it to +Theodora Mitchell Corwin; in fact, I did not know where she had eloped +to. Nor could I give it to Madge or Henry, for they had gone on their +wedding journey as soon as they saw Theodora and her lover safely +eloped. + +I had no right to give it to the poor woman with the baby, even if +she had not immediately disappeared into her world of poverty, and it +certainly did not belong to Lemuel, nor could I have given it to him, +for he took the ten dollars the lover gave him and stayed out so late +that he was late to work this morning and was discharged. He said he was +going back to Texas. So I brought the handkerchief and the twelve acorns +home, knowing you would be interested in hearing their story. + +When Mr. Billings had thus finished his relation of the happenings of +his long evening, Mrs. Billings was thoughtful for a minute. Then she +said: + +“But Rollin, when I spoke to you of the handkerchief and the twelve +acorns you blushed, and said you had reason to blush. I see nothing in +this kind action you did to cause a blush.” + +“I blushed,” said Mr. Billings, “to think of the lie I was going to tell +Theodora Merrill Corwin--” + +“I thought you said her name was Theodora Mitchell Corwin,” said Mrs. +Billings. + +“Mitchell or Merill,” said Mr. Billings. “I cannot remember exactly +which.” + +For several minutes Mrs. Billings was silent. Occasionally she would +open her mouth as if to ask a question, but each time she closed it +again without speaking. Mr. Billings sat regarding his wife with what, +in a man of less clear conscience, might be called anxiety. At length +Mrs. Billings put her sewing into her sewing-basket and arose. + +“Rollin,” she said, “I have enjoyed hearing you tell your experiences +greatly. I can say but one thing: Never in your life have you deceived +me. And you have not deceived me now.” + +For half an hour after this Mr. Billings sat alone, thinking. + + + + +III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + +When our new suburban house was completed I took Sarah out to see it, +and she liked it all but the stairs. + +“Edgar,” she said, when she had ascended to the second floor, “I don't +know whether it is imagination or not, but it seems to me that these +stairs are funny, some way. I can't understand it. They are not a long +flight, and they are not unusually steep, but they seem to be unusually +wearying. I never knew a short flight to tire me so, and I have climbed +many flights in the six years we have lived in flats.” + +“Perhaps, Sarah,” I said, with mild dissimulation, “you are unusually +tired to-day.” + +The fact was that I had planned those stairs myself, and for a +particular reason I had made the rise of each step three inches more +than the customary height, and in this way I had saved two steps. I had +also made the tread of the steps unusually narrow; and the reason was +that I had found, from long experience, that stair carpet wears first on +the tread of the steps, where the foot falls. By making the steps tall +enough to save two, and by making the tread narrow, I reduced the wear +on the carpet to a minimum. I believe in economy where it is possible. +For the same reason I had the stair banisters made wide, with a +saddle-like top to the newel post, to tempt my son and daughter to slide +downstairs. The less they used the stairs the longer the carpet would +last. + +I need hardly say that Sarah has a fear of burglars; most women have. As +for myself, I prefer not to meet a burglar. It is all very well to get +up in the night and prowl about with a pistol in one hand, seeking to +eliminate the life of a burglar, and some men may like it; but I am of +a very excitable nature, and I am sure that if I did find a burglar and +succeeded in shooting him, I should be in such an excited state that +I could not sleep again that night--and no man can afford to lose his +night's rest. + +There are other objections to shooting a burglar in the house, and these +objections apply with double force when the house and its furnishings +are entirely new. Although some of the rugs in our house were red, not +all of them were; and I had no guarantee that if I shot a burglar +he would lie down on a red rug to bleed to death. A burglar does not +consider one's feelings, and would be quite as apt to bleed on a green +rug, and spoil it, as not. Until burglarizing is properly regulated and +burglars are educated, as they should be, in technical burglary schools, +we cannot hope that a shot burglar will staunch his wound until he can +find a red rug to lie down on. + +And there are still other objections to shooting a burglar. If all +burglars were fat, one of these would be removed; but perhaps a thin +burglar might get in front of my revolver, and in that case the bullet +would be likely to go right through him and continue on its way, and +perhaps break a mirror or a cut-glass dish. I am a thin man myself, and +if a burglar shot at me he might damage things in the same way. + +I thought all these things over when we decided to build in the suburbs, +for Sarah is very nervous about burglars, and makes me get up at the +slightest noise and go poking about. Only the fact that no burglar had +ever entered our flat at night had prevented what might have been a +serious accident to a burglar, for I made it a rule, when Sarah wakened +me on such occasions, to waste no time, but to go through the rooms as +hastily as possible and get back to bed; and at the speed I travelled I +might have bumped into a burglar in the dark and knocked him over, and +his head might have struck some hard object, causing concussion of the +brain; and as a burglar has a small brain a small amount of concussion +might have ruined it entirely. But as I am a slight man it might have +been my brain that got concussed. A father of a family has to think of +these things. + +The nervousness of Sarah regarding burglars had led me in this way to +study the subject carefully, and my adoption of jet-black pajamas as +nightwear was not due to cowardice on my part. I properly reasoned that +if a burglar tried to shoot me while I was rushing around the house +after him in the darkness, a suit of black pajamas would somewhat spoil +his aim, and, not being able to see me, he would not shoot at all. +In this way I should save Sarah the nerve shock that would follow the +explosion of a pistol in the house. For Sarah was very much more afraid +of pistols than of burglars. I am sure there were only two reasons why +I had never killed a burglar with a pistol: one was that no burglar had +ever entered our flat, and the other was that I never had a pistol. + +But I knew that one is much less protected in a suburb than in town, +and when I decided to build I studied the burglar protection matter most +carefully. I said nothing to Sarah about it, for fear it would upset her +nerves, but for months I considered every method that seemed to have +any merit, and that would avoid getting a burglar's blood--or +mine--spattered around on our new furnishings. I desired some method by +which I could finish up a burglar properly without having to leave my +bed, for although Sarah is brave enough in sending me out of bed to +catch a burglar, I knew she must suffer severe nerve strain during the +time I was wandering about in the dark. Her objection to explosives had +also to be considered, and I really had to exercise my brain more than +common before I hit upon what I may now consider the only perfect method +of handling burglars. + +Several things coincided to suggest my method. One of these was Sarah's +foolish notion that our silver must, every night, be brought from +the dining-room and deposited under our bed. This I considered a most +foolhardy tempting of fate. It coaxed any burglar who ordinarily would +have quietly taken the silver from the dining-room and have then gone +away peacefully, to enter our room. The knowledge that I lay in bed +ready at any time to spring out upon him would make him prepare his +revolver, and his nervousness might make him shoot me, which would quite +upset Sarah's nerves. I told Sarah so, but she had a hereditary instinct +for bringing the silver to the bedroom, and insisted. I saw that in +the suburban house this, would be continued as “bringing the silver +upstairs,” and a trial of my carpet-saving stairs suggested to me my +burglar-defeating plan. I had the apparatus built into the house, and I +had the house planned to agree with the apparatus. + +For several months after we moved into the house I had no burglars, but +I felt no fear of them in any event. I was prepared for them. + +In order not to make Sarah nervous, I explained to her that my invention +of a silver-elevator was merely a time-saving device. From the top of +the dining-room sideboard I ran upright tracks through the ceiling to +the back of the hall above, and in these I placed a glass case, which +could be run up and down the tracks like a dumbwaiter. All our servant +had to do when she had washed the silver was to put it in the glass +case, and I had attached to the top of the case a stout steel cable +which ran to the ceiling of the hall above, over a pulley, and so to our +bedroom, which was at the front of the hall upstairs. By this means I +could, when I was in bed, pull the cable, and the glass case of silver +would rise to the second floor. Our bedroom door opened upon the hall, +and from the bed I could see the glass case; but in order that I might +be sure that the silver was there I put a small electric light in +the case and kept it burning all night. Sarah was delighted with this +arrangement, for in the morning all I had to do was to pay out the steel +cable and the silver would descend to the dining-room, and the maid +could have the table all set by the time breakfast was ready. Not once +did Sarah have a suspicion that all this was not merely a household +economy, but my burglar trap. + +On the sixth of August, at two o'clock in the morning, Sarah awakened +me, and I immediately sat straight up in bed. There was an undoubtable +noise of sawing, and I knew at once that a burglar was entering our +home. Sarah was trembling, and I knew she was getting nervous, but I +ordered her to remain calm. + +“Sarah,” I said, in a whisper, “be calm! There is not the least danger. +I have been expecting this for some time, and I only hope the burglar +has no dependent family or poor old mother to support. Whatever happens, +be calm and keep perfectly quiet.” + +With that I released the steel cable from the head of my bed and let the +glass case full of silver slide noiselessly to the sideboard. + +“Edgar!” whispered Sarah in agonized tones, “are you giving him our +silver?” + +“Sarah!” I whispered sternly, “remember what I have just said. Be calm +and keep perfectly quiet.” And I would say no more. + +In a very short time I heard the window below us open softly, and I +knew the burglar was entering the parlour from the side porch. I counted +twenty, which I had figured would be the time required for him to reach +the dining-room, and then, when I was sure he must have seen the silver +shining in the glass case, I slowly pulled on the steel cable and raised +case and silver to the hall above. Sarah began to whisper to me, but I +silenced her. + +What I had expected happened. The burglar, seeing the silver rise +through the ceiling, left the dining-room and went into the hall. There, +from the foot of the stairs, he could see the case glowing in the hall +above, and without hesitation he mounted the stairs. As he reached the +top I had a good view of him, for he was silhouetted against the light +that glowed from the silver case. He was a most brutal looking fellow +of the prize-fighting type, but I almost laughed aloud when I saw his +build. He was short and chunky. As he stepped forward to grasp the +silver case, I let the steel cable run through my fingers, and the case +and its precious contents slid noiselessly down to the dining-room. For +only one instant the burglar seemed disconcerted, then he turned and ran +downstairs again. + +This time I did not wait so long to draw up the silver. I hardly gave +him time to reach the dining-room door before I jerked the cable, and +the case was glowing in the upper hall. The burglar immediately stopped, +turned, and mounted the stairs, but just as he reached the top I let the +silver slide down again, and he had to turn and descend. Hardly had he +reached the bottom step before I had the silver once more in the upper +hall. + +The burglar was a gritty fellow and was not to be so easily defeated. +With some word which I could not catch, but which I have no doubt was +profane, or at least vulgar, he dashed up the stairs, and just as his +hand touched the case I let the silver drop to the dining-room. I smiled +as I saw his next move. He carefully removed his coat and vest, rolled +up his sleeves, and took off his collar. This evidently meant that he +intended to get the silver if it took the whole night, and nothing could +have pleased me more. I lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking with +suppressed laughter, and had to stuff a corner of a pillow in my mouth +to smother the sound of my mirth. I did not allow the least pity for the +unfortunate fellow to weaken my nerve. + +A low, long screech from the hall told me that I had a man of uncommon +brain to contend with, for I knew the sound came from his hands drawing +along the banister, and that to husband his strength and to save time, +he was sliding down. But this did not disconcert me. It pleased me. The +quicker he went down, the oftener he would have to walk up. + +For half an hour I played with him, giving him just time to get down +to the foot of the stairs before I raised the silver, and just time +to reach the top before I lowered it, and then I grew tired of the +sport--for it was nothing else to me--and decided to finish him off. I +was getting sleepy, but it was evident that the burglar was not, and +I was a little afraid I might fall asleep and thus defeat myself. The +burglar had that advantage because he was used to night work. So I +quickened my movements a little. When the burglar slid down I gave +him just time to see the silver rise through the ceiling, and when he +climbed the stairs I only allowed him to see it descend through the +floor. In this way I made him double his pace, and as I quickened my +movements I soon had him dashing up the stairs and sliding down again +as if for a wager. I did not give him a moment for rest, and he was soon +panting terribly and beginning to stumble; but with almost superhuman +nerve he kept up the chase. He was an unusually tough burglar. + +But quick as he was I was always quicker, and a glimpse of the glowing +case was all I let him have at either end of his climb or slide. No +sooner was he down than it was up, and no sooner was the case up than +he was up after it. In this way I kept increasing his speed until it was +something terrific, and the whole house shook, like an automobile with +a very powerful motor. But still his speed increased. I saw then that +I had brought him to the place I had prepared for, where he had but one +object in life, and that was to beat the case up or down stairs; and as +I was now so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did what I had +intended to do from the first. I lowered the case until it was exactly +between the ceiling of the dining-room and the floor of the hall +above--and turned out the electric light. I then tied the steel cable +securely to the head of my bed, turned over, and went to sleep, lulled +by the shaking of the house as the burglar dashed up and down the +stairs. + +Just how long this continued I do not know, for my sleep was deep and +dreamless, but I should judge that the burglar ran himself to death +sometime between half-past three and a quarter after four. So great had +been his efforts that when I went to remove him I did not recognize him +at all. When I had seen him last in the glow of the glass silver case +he had been a stout, chunky fellow, and now his remains were those of +an emaciated man. He must have run off one hundred and twenty pounds of +flesh before he gave out. + +Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our silver consisted of but half a +dozen each of knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, and a sugar +spoon, all plated, and worth probably five dollars, and to save this +I had made the burglar wear to rags a Wilton stair carpet worth +twenty-nine dollars. But I have now corrected this. I have bought fifty +dollars worth of silver. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Water Goats and Other Troubles, by +Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1285 *** diff --git a/1285-h/1285-h.htm b/1285-h/1285-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..576805c --- /dev/null +++ b/1285-h/1285-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2036 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Water Goats and Other Troubles, by Ellis Parker Butler + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1285 ***</div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Ellis Parker Butler + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + By The Same Author + </h4> + <h5> + Pigs is Pigs<br /><br /> The Great American Pie Company<br /><br /> Mike + Flannery On Duty and off<br /><br /> The Thin Santa Claus<br /><br /> That + Pup, Kilo, etc. + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + Contents + </h3> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <b>THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES</b> + </a> + </p> + <br /> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> I. THE WATER GOATS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> +<p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + I. THE WATER GOATS + </h2> + <p> + “And then,” said the landscape gardener, combing his silky, pointed beard + gently with his long, artistic fingers, “in the lake you might have a + couple of gondolas. Two would be sufficient for a lake of this size; amply + sufficient. Yes,” he said firmly, “I would certainly advise gondolas. They + look well, and the children like to ride on them. And so do the adults. I + would have two gondolas in the lake.” + </p> + <p> + Mayor Dugan and the City Council, meeting as a committee of the whole to + receive the report of the landscape gardener and his plan for the new + public park, nodded their heads sagely. + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Mayor Dugan. “We want two of thim—of thim gon—thim + gon—” + </p> + <p> + “Gondolas,” said the landscape gardener. “Sure!” said Mayor Dugan, “we + want two of thim. Remimber th' gondolas, Toole.” + </p> + <p> + “I have thim fast in me mind,” said Toole. “I will not let thim git away, + Dugan.” + </p> + <p> + The landscape gardener stood a minute in deep thought, looking at the + ceiling. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that is all!” he said. “My report, and the plan, and what I have + mentioned, will be all you need.” + </p> + <p> + Then he shook hands with the mayor and with all the city councilmen and + left Jeffersonville forever, going back to New York where landscape + gardeners grow, and the doors were opened and the committee of the whole + became once more the regular meeting of the City Council. + </p> + <p> + The appropriation for the new park was rushed through in twenty minutes, + passing the second and third readings by the reading of the title under a + suspension of the by-laws, and being unanimously adopted. It was a matter + of life and death with Mayor Dugan and his ring. Jeffersonville was + getting tired of the joyful grafters, and murmurs of discontent were + concentrating into threats of a reform party to turn the cheerful rascals + out. The new park was to be a sop thrown to the populace—something + to make the city proud of itself and grateful to its mayor and council. It + was more than a pet scheme of Mayor Dugan, it was a lifeboat for the ring. + In half an hour the committees had been appointed, and the mayor turned to + the regular business. Then from his seat at the left of the last row + little Alderman Toole arose. + </p> + <p> + “Misther Mayor,” he said, “how about thim—thim don—thim don—Golas!” + whispered Alderman Grevemeyer hoarsely, “dongolas.” + </p> + <p> + “How about thim dongolas, Misther Mayor?” asked Alderman Toole. + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said the mayor. “Will annyone move that we git two dongolas t' put + in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on? Will annyone move that Alderman Toole + be a conmittee of wan t' git two dongolas t' put in th' lake?” + </p> + <p> + “I make dot motions,” said Alderman Greveneyer, half raising his great + bulk from his seat and sinking back with a grunt. + </p> + <p> + “Sicond th' motion,” said Alderman Toole. + </p> + <p> + “Moved and siconded,” said the mayor, “that Alderman Toole be a committee + t' buy two dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on. Ye have + heard th' motion.” + </p> + <p> + The motion was unanimously carried. That was the kind of City Council + Mayor Dugan had chosen. + </p> + <p> + When little Alderman Toole dropped into Casey's saloon that night on his + way home he did not slip meekly to the far end of the bar, as he usually + did. For the first time in his aldermanic career he had been put on a + committee where he would really have something to do, and he felt the + honour. He boldly took a place between the big mayor and Alderman + Grevemeyer, and said: “One of th' same, Casey,” with the air of a man who + has matters of importance on his mind. He felt that things were coming his + way. Even the big mayor seemed to appreciate it, for he put his hand + affectionately on Toole's shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” said the mayor, “about thim dongolas, now; have ye thought anny + about where ye would be gettin' thim?” + </p> + <p> + “I have not,” said Toole. “I was thinkin' 'twould be good t' think it over + a bit, Dugan. Mebby 'twould be best t' git thim at Chicagy.” He looked + anxiously at the mayor's face, hoping for some sign of approval or + disapproval, but the mayor's face was noncommittal. “But mebby it + wouldn't,” concluded Toole. As a feeler he added: “Would ye be wantin' me + t' have thim made here, Dugan?” + </p> + <p> + The big mayor patted Toole on the shoulder indulgently. + </p> + <p> + “It's up t' you, Mike,” he said. “Ye know th' way Dugan does things, an' + th' way he likes thim done. I trust thim that I kin trust, an' whin I put + a man on committee I'm done wid th' thing. Of coorse,” he added, putting + his mouth close to Toole's ear, and winking at Grevemeyer, “ye will see + that there is a rake-off for me an' th' byes.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Toole. + </p> + <p> + The big mayor turned back to the bar and took a drink from his glass. + Grevemeyer took a drink from his glass, also. So did Toole, gravely. Dugan + wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and turned to Toole again. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” he said, “what do ye think? Mebby 'twould do as well t' git a + couple of sicond-hand dongolas an' have thim painted up. If they was in + purty good shape no wan would know th' difference, an' 'twould make a bit + more rake-off fer th' byes, mebby.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' same word was on th' ind o' me tongue, Dugan,” said Toole, nodding + his head slowly. “I was considerin' this very minute where I could lay me + hand on a couple of purty good dongolas that has not been used much. + Flannagan could paint thim up fine!” + </p> + <p> + “Or Stoltzenau could do such paintings,” interposed Grevemeyer. + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” agreed the big mayor. He toyed with his glass a moment. “Mike,” he + said suddenly, “what th' divil is a dongola, anyhow?” + </p> + <p> + Mike Toole was just raising his glass to his lips with the movements of + one accustomed to hold conversation with the mayor. His left hand rested + on his hip, with his arm akimbo, and his hat was tipped carelessly to the + back of his head. The hand raising his glass stopped short where it was + when he heard the mayor's question. He frowned at the glass—scowled + at it angrily. + </p> + <p> + “A dongola, Dugan”—he said slowly, and stopped. “A dongola”—he + repeated. “A dongola—did ye ask me what a dongola might be, Dugan?” + </p> + <p> + The big mayor nodded, and Grevemeyer leaned forward to catch the answer. + Casey, too, leaned on his bar and listened. Alderman Toole raised his + glass to his lips and filled his mouth with the liquor. Instantly he + dashed the glass furiously to the floor. He jerked off his hat and cast it + into a far corner and pulled off his coat, throwing it after his hat. He + was climbing on to the bar when the big mayor and Grevemeyer laid their + hands on the little man and held him tightly. The big mayor shook him once + and set him on the floor. + </p> + <p> + “Mike!” said the big mayor. “What's th' matter wid ye? What are ye goin' + afther Casey that way for? Is it crazy ye are? Or have ye gone insane?” + </p> + <p> + “Knock-out drops!” shouted Toole, shaking his fist at Casey, who looked + down at him in astonishment. “Knock-out drops! I will have th' law on ye, + Casey. I will have th' joint closed! I'll teach ye t' be givin' knock-out + drops t' th' aldermin of th' city!” + </p> + <p> + “Mike!” cried the big mayor, giving him another vigorous shake. “Shut up + wid ye! Casey wouldn't be givin' ye annything that wasn't good for ye. + Casey wouldn't be givin' ye knock-out drops.” + </p> + <p> + “No?” whispered Mike angrily. “No? Wouldn't he, Dugan? An' what has he + done t' me mimory, then, Dugan? What has he put in th' drink t' rob me of + me mimory? Wan minute ago I knew as well anny other man what a dongola is + like, an' now I have no mimory of anny dongolas at all. Wan minute ago I + could have told ye th' whole history of dongolas, from th' time of Adam up + till now, an' have drawed a picture of wan that annywan could recognize—an' + now I wouldn't know wan if ye was show it t' me! I was about t' tell ye + th' whole history of dongolas, Dugan; 'twas on th' ind of me tongue t' + give ye a talk on dongolas, whin I took a drink. Ye saw me take a drink, + Grevemeyer?” + </p> + <p> + “Ya!” said Grevemeyer, nodding his head solemnly. “You took such a drink!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure,” said Toole, arranging his vest. “Grevemeyer saw me take th' drink—an + now I have no mimory of dongolas at all. If ye was t' show me a chromo of + wan I wouldn't know was it a dongola or what. I'm ashamed of ye, Casey!” + </p> + <p> + “If ye done it, Casey, ye hadn't have ought t' have done it,” said Dugan + reprovingly. “Th' mind of him might be ruined intirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Stop, Dugan!” said Toole hastily. “I forgive him. Me mind will likely be + all right by mornin'. 'Tis purty good yit, ixcipt on th' subjict of + dongolas. I'm timporarily out of remimbrance what dongolas is. 'Tis odd + how thim knock-out drops works, Grevemeyer.” + </p> + <p> + “Ya!” said the alderman unsuspectingly, “gifing such a forgetfulness on + such easy things as dongolas.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure! You tell Dugan what dongolas is, Grevemeyer,” said Toole quickly. + </p> + <p> + Grevemeyer looked at his glass thoughtfully. His mind worked slowly + always, but he saw that it would not do for him to have knock-out drops so + soon after Toole. + </p> + <p> + “Ach!” he exclaimed angrily. “You are insulting to me mit such questions + Toole. So much will I tell you—never ask Germans what is dongolas. + It is not for Germans to talk about such things. Ask Casey.” + </p> + <p> + Casey scratched his head thoughtfully. + </p> + <p> + “Dongolas?” he repeated. “I have heard th' word, Grevemeyer. Wait a bit! + 'Tis something about shoes. Sure! I remimber, now! 'Twas dongola shoes wan + of me kids had, last winter, an' no good they were, too. Dongolas is + shoes, Grevemeyer—laced shoes—dongolas is laced shoes.” + </p> + <p> + The big mayor leaned his head far back and laughed long and loud. He + pounded on the bar with his fist, and slapped Toole on the back. + </p> + <p> + “Laced shoes!” he cried, wiping his eyes, and then he became suddenly + serious. “'Twould not be shoes, Casey,” he said gravely. “Thim dongolas + was ricomminded by th' landscape-gardener from New Yorrk. 'Twould not be + sinsible t' ricommind us put a pair of laced shoes in th' park lake fer + th' kids t' ride on.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twould not seem so,” said Toole, shaking his head wisely. “I wisht me + mind was like it always is. 'Tis a pity—” + </p> + <p> + “Stop!” cried Casey. “I have it! Thim was kid shoes. Thim dongolas was kid + shoes.” + </p> + <p> + “So said, Casey,” said Duo'an “For th' kid.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Casey, “of th' kid.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Gravemeyer. “So it is—the shoes of the child.” + </p> + <p> + “Right fer ye!” exclaimed Casey. “Th' kid shoes of th' kid. 'Twas kid + leather they were made out of, Dugan. Th' dongola is some fancy kind of a + goat. Like box-calf is th' skin of th' calf of th' box-cow. Th' dongola is + some foreign kind of a goat, Dugan.” + </p> + <p> + “Ho, ho-o-o!” cried Toole, suddenly, knocking on his forehead with the + knuckles of his fist. The three men turned their eyes upon him and stared. + </p> + <p> + “What ails ye now, Mike?” asked Dugan, disgustedly. + </p> + <p> + “Ho-o-o!” he cried again, slapping himself on the top of his head. “Me + mind is comm' back t' me, Dugan! Th' effects of th' knock-out drops is + wearin' off! I recall now that th' dongola is some fancy kind of a goat. + 'Twill all come back t' me soon. + </p> + <p> + “Go along wid ye!” exclaimed Dugan. “Would ye be puttin' a goat in th' + lake for th' kids t' ride on?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Toole enthusiastically. “Sure I would, Dugan. Not th' common + goat I wouldn't. But dongola goats I would. Have ye heard of dongola water + goats, Casey? Was thim dongola goat skin shoes warranted t' be + water-proof?” + </p> + <p> + Casey wrinkled his brow. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis like they was, Toole,” he said doubtfully. “'Tis like they was + warranted t' be, but they wasn't.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” cried Toole joyously. “'Tis water-proof th' skin of th' dongola + water goats is, like th' skin of th' duck. An' swim? A duck isn't in it + wid a water goat. I remimber seein' thim in ould Ireland whin I was a bye, + Dugan, swimmin in th' lake of Killarney. Ah, 'twas a purty picture.” + </p> + <p> + “I seem t' remimber thim mesilf,” he said. “Not clear, but a bit.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure ye do!” cried Toole. “Many's the time I have rode across th' lake on + th' back of a dongola. Me own father, who was a big man in th' ould + country, used t' keep a pair of thim for us childer. 'Twas himself fetched + thim from Donnegal, Dugan. 'Twas from Donnegal they got th' name of thim, + an' 'twas th' name ye give thim that misled me. Donnegoras was what we + called thim in th' ould counry—donnegoras from Donnegal. I remimber + th' two of thim I had whin I was a kid, Dugan—wan was a Nanny, an' + wan was a Billy, an'—” + </p> + <p> + “Go on home, Mike,” said Dugan. “Go on home an' sleep it off!” and the + little alderman from the Fourth Ward picked up his hat and coat, and + obeyed his orders. + </p> + <p> + Instituting a new public park and seeing that in every purchase and every + contract there is a rake-off for the ring is a big job, and between this + and the fight against the rapidly increasing strength of the reform party, + Mayor Dugan had his hands more than full. He had no time to think of + dongolas, and he did not want to think of them—Toole was the + committee on dongolas, and it was his duty to think of them, and to worry + about them, if any worry was necessary. But Toole did not worry. He sat + down and wrote a letter to his cousin Dennis, official keeper of the zoo + in Idlewild Park at Franklin, Iowa. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Dennis,” he wrote. “Have you any dongola goats in your menagery for + I want two right away good strong ones answer right away your affectionate + cousin alderman Michael Toole.” + </p> + <p> + “Ps monny no object.” + </p> + <p> + When Dennis Toole received this letter he walked through his zoo and + considered his animals thoughtfully. The shop-worn brown bear would not do + to fill cousin Mike's order; neither would the weather-worn red deer nor + the family of variegated tame rabbits. The zoo of Idlewild Park at + Franklin was woefully short of dongola goats—in fact, to any but the + most imaginative and easily pleased child, it was lacking in nearly every + thing that makes a zoo a congress of the world's most rare and thrilling + creatures. After all, the nearest thing to a goat was a goat, and goats + were plenty in Franklin. Dennis felt an irresistible longing to aid Mike—the + longing that comes to any healthy man when a request is accompanied by the + legend “Money no object.” He wrote that evening to Mike. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Mike,” he wrote. “I've got two good strong dongola goats I can let + you have cheap. I'm overstocked with dongolas to-day. I want to get rid of + two. Zoo is getting too crowded with all kinds of animals and I don't need + so many dongola goats. I will sell you two for fifty dollars. Apiece. What + do you want them for? Your affectionate cousin, Dennis Toole, Zoo keeper. + PS. Crates extra.” + </p> + <p> + “Casey,” said Mike to his friend the saloon keeper when he received this + communication, “'tis just as I told ye—dongolas is goats. I have + been corrispondin' with wan of th' celibrated animal men regardin' th' + dongola water goat, an' I have me eye on two of thim this very minute. But + 'twill be ixpinsive, Casey, mighty ixpinsive. Th' dongola water goat is a + rare birrd, Casey. They have become extinct in th' lakes of Ireland, an' + what few of thim is left in th' worrld is held at outrajeous prices. In + th' letter I have from th' animal man, Casey, he wants two hundred dollars + apiece for each dongola water goat, an' 'twill be no easy thing for him t' + git thim.” + </p> + <p> + “Hasn't he thim in his shop, Mike?” asked Casey. + </p> + <p> + “He has not, Casey,” said the little alderman. “He has no place for thim. + Cages he has, an' globes for goldfish, an' birrd cages, but th' size of + th' shop l'aves no room for an aquarium, Casey. He has no tank for the + preservation of water goats. Hippopotamuses an' alligators an' crocodiles + an' dongola water goats an' sea lions he does not keep in stock, Casey, + but sinds out an' catches thim whin ordered. He writes that his agints has + their eyes on two fine dongolas, an' he has tiligraphed thim t' catch + thim.” + </p> + <p> + “Are they near by, Mike?” asked Casey, much interested. + </p> + <p> + “Naw,” said Toole. “'Twill be some time till I git thim. Th' last he heard + of thim they were swimmin' in th' Lake of Geneva.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it far, th' lake?” asked Casey. + </p> + <p> + “I disremimber how far,” said Toole. “'Tis in Africa or Asia, or mebby + 'tis in Constantinople. Wan of thim countries it is, annyhow.” + </p> + <p> + But to his cousin Dennis he wrote: + </p> + <p> + “Dear Dennis—I will take them two dongolas. Crate them good and + solid. Do not send them till I tell you. Send the bill to me. Your + affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole. Ps Make bill for two hundred + dollars a piece. Business is business. This is between us two. M. T.” + </p> + <p> + A Keeper of the Water Goats had been selected with the utmost care, + combining in the choice practical politics with a sense of fitness. + Timothy Fagan was used to animals—for years he had driven a + dumpcart. He was used to children—he had ten or eleven of his own. + And he controlled several votes in the Fourth Ward. His elevation from the + dump-cart of the street cleaning department to the high office of Keeper + of the Water Goats was one that Dugan believed would give general + satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + When the goats arrived in Jeffersonville the two heavy crates were hauled + to Alderman Toole's back yard to await the opening of the park, and there + Mayor Dugan and Goat Keeper Fagan came to inspect them. Alderman Toole led + the way to them with pride, and Mayor Dugan's creased brow almost + uncreased as he bent down and peered between the bars of the crates. They + were fine goats. Perhaps they looked somewhat more dejected than a goat + usually looks—more dirty and down at the heels than a goat often + looks—but they were undoubtedly goats. As specimens of ordinary + Irish goats they might not have passed muster with a careful buyer, but no + doubt they were excellent examples of the dongola. + </p> + <p> + “Ye have done good, Mike,” said the mayor. “Ye have done good! But ain't + they mebby a bit off their feed—or something?” + </p> + <p> + “Off their feed!” said Toole. “An' who wouldn't be, poor things? Mind ye, + Dugan, thim is not common goats—thim is dongolas—an' used to + bein' in th' wather con-continuous from mornin' till night. 'Tis sufferin' + for a swim they be, poor animals. Wance let thim git in th' lake an' ye + will see th' difference, Dugan. 'Twill make all th' difference in th' + worrld t' thim. 'Tis dyin' for a swim they are.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said the Keeper of the Water Goats. “Ye have done good, Mike,” + said the mayor again. “Thim dongolas will be a big surprise for th' + people.” + </p> + <p> + They were. They surprised the Keeper of the Goats first of all. The day + before the park was to be opened to the public the goats were taken to the + park and turned over to their official keeper. At eleven o'clock that + morning Alderman Toole was leaning against Casey's bar, confidentially + pouring into his ear the story of how the dongolas had given their captors + a world of trouble, swimming violently to the far reaches of Lake Geneva + and hiding among the bulrushes and reeds, when the swinging door of the + saloon was banged open and Tim Fagan rushed in. He was mad. He was very + mad, but he was a great deal wetter than mad. He looked as if he had been + soaked in water over night, and not wrung out in the morning. + </p> + <p> + “Mike!” he whispered hoarsely, grasping the little alderman by the arm. “I + want ye! I want ye down at th' park.” + </p> + <p> + A chill of fear passed over Alderman Toole. He turned his face to Fagan + and laid his hand on his shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “Tim,” he demanded, “has annything happened t' th' dongolas?” + </p> + <p> + “Is annything happened t' th' dongolas!” exclaimed Fagan sarcastically. + “Is annything wrong with thim water goats? Oh, no, Toole! Nawthin' has + gone wrong with thim! Only they won't go into th' wather, Mike! Is + annything gone wrong with thim, did ye say? Nawthin'! They be in good + health, but they are not crazy t' be swimmin'. Th' way they do not hanker + t' dash into th' water is marvellous, Mike. No water for thim!” + </p> + <p> + “Hist!” said Toole uneasily, glancing around to see that no one but Casey + was in hearing. “Mebby ye have not started thim right, Tim.” + </p> + <p> + “Mebby not,” said Fagan angrily. “Mebby I do not know how t' start th' + water goat, Toole! Mebby there is one way unbeknownst t' me. If so, I have + not tried it. But th' forty-sivin other ways I have tried, an' th' goats + will not swim. I have started thim backwards an' I have started thim + frontwards, an' I have took thim in by th' horns an' give thim lessons t' + swim, an' they will not swim! I have done me duty by thim, Mike, an' I + have wrastled with thim, an' rolled in th' lake with thim. Was it t' be + swimmin' teacher t' water goats ye got me this job for?” + </p> + <p> + “Hist!” said Toole again. “Not so loud, Tim! Ye haven't told Dugan have + ye?” + </p> + <p> + “I have not!” said Tim, with anger. “I have not told annybody annything + excipt thim goats an' what I told thim is not dacint hearin'. I have + conversed with thim in strong language, an' it done no good. No swimmin' + for thim! Come on down an' have a chat with thim yersilf, Toole. Come on + down an' argue with thim, an persuade thim with th' soft sound of yer + voice t' swim. Come on down an' git thim water goats used t' th' water.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye don't understand th' water goat, Tim,” said Toole in gentle reproof. + “I will show ye how t' handle him,” and he went out, followed by the wet + Keeper of the Water Goats. + </p> + <p> + The two water goats stood at the side of the lake, wet and mournful, tied + to two strong stakes. They looked weary and meek, for they had had a hard + morning, but as soon as they saw Tim Fagan they brightened up. They arose + simultaneously on their hind legs and their eyes glittered with deadly + hatred. They strained at their ropes, and then, suddenly, panic-stricken, + they turned and ran, bringing up at the ends of their ropes with a shock + that bent the stout stakes to which they were fastened. They stood still + and cowered, trembling. + </p> + <p> + “Lay hold!” commanded Toole. “Lay hold of a horn of th' brute till I show + ye how t' make him swim.” + </p> + <p> + Through the fresh gravel of the beach the four feet of the reluctant goat + ploughed deep furrows. It shook its head from side to side, but Toole and + Fagan held it fast, and into the water it went. + </p> + <p> + “Now!” cried Alderman Toole. “Git behind an' push, Tim! Wan! Two! Three! + Push!” + </p> + <p> + Alderman Toole released his hold and Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan + pushed. Then they tried the other goat. It was easier to try the other + water goat than to waste time hunting up the one they had just tried, for + it had gone away. As soon as Alderman Toole let it go, it went. It seemed + to want to get to the other end of the park as soon as possible, but it + did not take the short cut across the lake—it went around. But it + did not mind travel—it went to the farthest part of the park, and it + would have gone farther if it could. So Alderman Toole and Keeper Fagan + tried the other water goat. That one went straight to the other end of the + park. It swerved from a straight line but once, and that was when it shied + at a pail of water that was in the way. It did not seem to like water. + </p> + <p> + In the Franklin Zoo Dennis Toole had just removed the lid of his tin + lunch-pail when the telegraph boy handed him the yellow envelope. He + turned it over and over, studying its exterior, while the boy went to look + at the shop-worn brown bear. The zoo keeper decided that there was no way + to find out what was inside of the envelope but to open it. He was ready + for the worst. He wondered, unthinkingly, which one of his forty or more + cousins was dead, and opened the envelope. + </p> + <p> + “Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo,” he read, “Dongolas won't swim. How do you + make them swim? Telegraph at once. Michael Toole.” + </p> + <p> + He laid the telegram across his knees and looked at it as if it was some + strange communication from another sphere. He pushed his hat to one side + of his head and scratched the tuft of red hair thus bared. + </p> + <p> + “'Dongolas won't swim!”' he repeated slowly. “An' how do I make thim swim? + I wonder does Cousin Mike take th' goat t' be a fish, or what? I wonder + does he take swimmin' to be wan of th' accomplishments of th' goat?” He + shook his head in puzzlement, and frowned at the telegram. “Would he be + havin' a goat regatta, I wonder, or was he expectin' th' goat t' be a + web-footed animal? 'Won't swim!' he repeated angrily. 'Won't swim!' An' + what is it to me if they won't swim? Nayther would I swim if I was a goat. + 'Tis none of me affair if they will not swim. There was nawthin' said + about 'swimmin' goats.' Goats I can give him, an' dongola goats I can give + him, an jumpin' goats, an' climbin' goats, an' walkin' goats, but 'tis not + in me line t'furnish submarine goats. No, nor goats t' fly up in th' air! + Would anny one,” he said with exasperation, “would anny one that got a + plain order for goats ixpict t' have t' furnish goats that would hop up + off th' earth an' make a balloon ascension? 'Tis no fault of Dennis + Toole's thim goats won't swim. What will Mike be telegraphin' me nixt, I + wonder? 'Dear Dennis: Th' goats won't lay eggs. How do ye make thim?' Bye, + have ye a piece of paper t' write an answer t' me cousin Mike on?” + </p> + <p> + The Keeper of the Water Goats and Alderman Toole were sitting on a rustic + bench looking sadly at the water goats when the Jeffersonville telegraph + messenger brought them Dennis Toole's answer. Alderman Toole grasped the + envelope eagerly and tore it open, and Fagan leaned over his shoulder as + he read it: + </p> + <p> + “Michael Toole, Alderman, Jeffersonville,” they read. “Put them in the + water and see if they will swim. Dennis Toole.” + </p> + <p> + “Put thim in th' wather!” exclaimed Alderman Toole angrily. “Why don't ye + put thim in th' wather, Fagan? Why did ye not think t' put thim in th' + wather?” He looked down at his soaking clothes, and his anger increased. + “Why have ye been tryin' t' make thim dongolas swim on land, Fagan?” he + asked sarcastically. “Or have ye been throwin' thim up in th' air t' see + thim swim? Why don't ye put thim in th' wather? Why don't ye follow th' + instructions of th' expert dongola water goat man an' put thim in th' + wather if ye want thim t' swim?” + </p> + <p> + Fagan looked at the angry alderman. He looked at the dripping goats. + </p> + <p> + “So I did, Mike,” he said seriously. “We both of us did.” + </p> + <p> + “An' did we!” cried Alderman Toole in mock surprise. “Is it possible we + thought t' put thim in th' wather whin we wanted thim t' swim? It was in + me mind that we tied thim to a tree an' played ring-around-a-rosy with + thim t' induce thim t' swim! Where's a pencil? Where's a piece of paper?” + he cried. + </p> + <p> + He jerked them from the hand of the messenger boy. The afternoon was half + worn away. Every minute was precious. He wrote hastily and handed the + message to the messenger boy. + </p> + <p> + “Fagan,” he said, as the boy disappeared down the path at a run, “raise up + yer spirits an come an' give th' water goats some more instructions in th' + ginteel art of swimmin' in th' wather.” + </p> + <p> + Fagan sighed and arose. He walked toward the dejected water goats, and, + taking the nearest one by the horns yanked it toward the lake. The goat + was too weak to do more than hold back feebly and bleat its disapproval of + another bath. The more lessons in swimming it received the less it seemed + to like to swim. It had developed a positive hatred of swimming. + </p> + <p> + Dennis Toole received the second telegram with a savage grin. He had + expected it. He opened it with malicious slowness. + </p> + <p> + “Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo,” he read. “Where do you think I put them to + make them swim? They won't swim in the lake. It won't do no good to us for + them to swim on dry land. No fooling, now, how do you make them dongolas + swim? Answer quick. + </p> + <p> + “Michael Toole.” + </p> + <p> + He did not have to study out his reply, for he had been considering it + ever since he had sent the other telegram. He took a blank from the boy + and wrote the answer. The sun was setting when the Jeffersonville + messenger delivered it to Alderman Toole. + </p> + <p> + “Mike Toole, Jeffersonville,” it said. “Quit fooling, yourself. Don't you + know young dongolas are always water-shy at first? Tie them in the lake + and let them soak, and they will learn to swim fast enough. If I didn't + know any more about dongolas than you do I would keep clear of them. + Dennis Toole.” + </p> + <p> + “Listen to that now,” said Alderman Toole, a smile spreading over his + face. “An' who ever said I knew annything about water goats, anny how? Th' + natural history of th' water goat is not wan of the things usually + considered part of th' iducation of th' alderman from th' Fourth Ward, + Fagan, but 'tis surprised I am that ye did not know th' goat is like th' + soup bean, an' has t' be soaked before usin'. Th' Keeper of th' Water Goat + should know th' habits of th' animal, Fagan. Why did ye not put thim in to + soak in th' first place? I am surprised at ye!” + </p> + <p> + “It escaped me mind,” said Fagan. “I was thinkin' these was broke t' + swimmin' an' did not need t' be soaked. I wonder how long they should be + soaked, Mike?” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill do no harrm t' soak thim over night, anny how,” said Toole. “Over + night is th' usual soak given t' th' soup-bean an' th' salt mackerel, t' + say nawthin' of th' codfish an' others of th' water-goat family. Let th' + water goats soak over night, Fagan, an by mornin' they will be ready t' + swim like a trout. We will anchor thim in th' lake, Fagan—an' we + will say nawthin' t' Dugan. 'Twould be a blow t' Dugan was he t' learn th' + dongolas provided fer th' park was young an' wather-shy.” + </p> + <p> + They anchored the water goats firmly in the lake, and left them there to + overcome their shyness, which seemed, as Fagan and Toole left them, to be + as great as ever. The goats gazed sadly, and bleated longingly, after the + two men as they disappeared in the dusk, and when the men had passed + entirely out of sight, the goats looked at each other and complained + bitterly. + </p> + <p> + Alderman Toole thoughtfully changed his wet clothes for dry ones before he + went to Casey's that evening, for he thought Dugan might be there, and he + was. He was there when Toole arrived, and his brow was black. He had had a + bad day of it. Everything had gone wrong with him and his affairs. A large + lump of his adherents had sloughed off from his party and had affiliated + with his opponents, and the evening opposition paper had come out with a + red-hot article condemning the administration for reckless extravagance. + It had especially condemned Dugan for burdening the city with new bonds to + create an unneeded park, and the whole thing had ended with a screech of + ironic laughter over the—so the editor called it—fitting + capstone of the whole business, the purchase of two dongola goats at + perfectly extravagant prices. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” said the big mayor severely, when the little alderman had offered + his greetings, “there is the divil an' all t' pay about thim dongolas. Th' + News is full of thim. 'Twill be th' ind of us all if they do not pan out + well. Have ye tried thim in th' water yet?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” exclaimed the little alderman with a heartiness he did not feel. + “What has me an' Fagan been doin' all day but tryin' thim? Have no fear of + th' wather goats, Dugan.” + </p> + <p> + “Do they swim well, Mike?” asked the big mayor kindly, but with a weary + heaviness he did not try to conceal. + </p> + <p> + “Swim!” exclaimed Toole. “Did ye say swim, Dugan? Swim is no name for th' + way they rip thro' the wather! 'Twas marvellous t' see thim. Ah, thim + dongolas is wonderful animals! Do ye think we could persuade thim t' come + out whin we wanted t' come home? Not thim, Dugan! 'Twas all me an' Fagan + could do t' pull thim out by main force, an' th' minute we let go of thim, + back they wint into th' wather. 'Twas pitiful t' hear th' way they bleated + t' be let back into th' wather agin, Dugan, so we let thim stay in for th' + night.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye did not let thim loose in th' lake, Mike?” exclaimed the big mayor. + “Ye did not let thim be so they could git away?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Toole. “No! They'll not git away, Dugan. We anchored thim + fast.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye done good, Mike,” said the big mayor. + </p> + <p> + The next morning Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan was down sufficiently + early to drag the bodies of the goats out of the lake long before even the + first citizen was admitted to the park. Alone, and hastily he hid them in + the little tool house, and locked the door on them. Then he went to find + Alderman Toole. He found him in the mayor's office, and beckoned him to + one side. In hot, quick accents he told him the untimely fate of the + dongola water goats, and the mayor—with an eye for everything on + that important day—saw the red face of Alderman Toole grow longer + and redder; saw the look of pain and horror that overspread it. A chilling + fear gripped his own heart. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” he said. “What's th' matter with th' dongolas?” + </p> + <p> + It was Fagan who spoke, while the little alderman from the Fourth Ward + stood bereft of speech in this awful moment. + </p> + <p> + “Dugan,” he said, “I have not had much ixperience with th' dongola wather + goat, an' th' ways an' habits of thim is strange t' me, but if I was t' + say what I think, I would say they was over-soaked.” + </p> + <p> + “Over-soaked, Fagan?” said the mayor crossly. “Talk sense, will ye?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Fagan. “An' over-soaked is what I say. Thim water goats has + all th' looks of bein' soaked too long. I would not say positive, Yer + Honour, but that is th' looks of thim. If me own mother was t' ask me I + would say th' same, Dugan. 'Soakin' too long done it,' is what I would + say.” + </p> + <p> + “You are a fool, Fagan!” exclaimed the big mayor. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Fagan mildly, “I have not had much ixperience in soakin' + dongolas, if ye mean that, Dugan. I do not set up t' be an expert dongola + soaker. I do not know th' rules t' go by. Some may like thim soaked long + an' some may like thim soaked not so long, but if I was to say, I would + say thim two dongolas at th' park has been soaked a dang sight too long. + Th' swim has been soaked clean out of thim.” + </p> + <p> + “Are they sick?” asked the big mayor. “What is th' matter with thim?” + </p> + <p> + “They do look sick,” agreed Fagan, breaking the bad news gently. “I should + say they look mighty sick, Dugan. If they looked anny sicker, I would be + afther lookin' for a place t' bury thim in. An' I am lookin' for th' place + now.” + </p> + <p> + As the truth dawned on the mind of the big mayor, he lost his firm look + and sank into a chair. This was the last brick pulled from under his + structure of hopes. His head sank upon his breast and for many minutes he + was silent, while his aides stood abashed and ill at ease. At last he + raised his head and stared at Toole, more in sorrow than in resentfulness. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” he said, “Mike Toole! What in th' worrld made ye soak thim + dongolas?” + </p> + <p> + “Dugan,” pleaded Toole, laying his hand on the big mayor's arm. “Dugan, + old man, don't look at me that way. There was nawthin' else t' do but soak + thim dongolas. Many's th' time I have seen me old father soakin' th' young + dongolas t' limber thim up for swimmin'. 'If iver ye have to do with + dongolas, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'soak thim well firrst.' So I + soaked thim, an' 'tis none of me fault, nor Fagan's either, that they + soaked full o' wather. First-class dongolas is wather-proof, as iveryone + knows, Dugan, an' how was we t' know thim two was not? How was me an' + Fagan t' know their skins would soak in wather like a pillow case? Small + blame to us, Dugan.” + </p> + <p> + The big mayor took his head between his hands and stared moodily at the + floor. + </p> + <p> + “Go awn away!” he said after a while. “Ye have done for me an' th' byes, + Toole. Ye have soaked us out of office, wan an' all of us. I want t' be + alone. It is all over with us. Go awn away.” + </p> + <p> + Toole and the Keeper of the Water Goats stole silently from the room and + out into the street. Fagan was the first to speak. + </p> + <p> + “How was we t' know thim dongolas would soak in wather that way, Toole?” + he said defensively. “How was we t' know they was not th' wather-proof + kind of dongolas?” + </p> + <p> + The little alderman from the Fourth Ward walked silently by the Keeper's + side. His head was downcast and his hands were clasped beneath the tails + of his coat. Suddenly he looked Fagan full in the face. + </p> + <p> + “'Twas our fault, Fagan,” he said. “'Twas all our fault. If we didn't know + thim dongolas was wather-proof we should have varnished thim before we put + thim in th' lake t' soak. I don't blame you, Fagan, for ye did not know + anny better, but I blame mesilf. For I call t' mind now that me father + always varnished th' dongolas before he soaked thim overnight. 'Take no + chances, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'always varnish thim firrst. Some of + thim is rubbery an' will not soak up wather, but some is spongy, an' 'tis + best t' varnish one an' all of thim.”' + </p> + <p> + “Think of that now!” exclaimed Fagan with admiration. “Sure, but this + natural history is a wonderful science, Toole! To think that thim animals + was th' spongyhided dongola water goats of foreign lands, an' used t' + bein' varnished before each an' every bath! An' t' me they looked no + different from th' goats of me byehood! I was never cut out for a goat + keeper, Mike. An' me job on th' dump-cart is gone, too. 'Twill be hard + times for Fagan.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill be hard times for Toole, too,” said the little alderman, and they + walked on without speaking until Fagan reached his gate. + </p> + <p> + “Well, anny how,” he said with cheerful philosophy, “'tis better t' be us + than to be thim dongola water goats—dead or alive. 'Tis not too + often I take a bath, Mike, but if I was wan of thim spongy-hided dongolas + an' had t' be varnished each time I got in me bath tub, I would stop + bathin' for good an' all.” + </p> + <p> + He looked toward the house. + </p> + <p> + “I'll not worry,” he said. “Maggie will be sad t' hear th' job is gone, + but she would have took it harder t' know her Tim was wastin' his time + varnishin' th' slab side of a spongy goat.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS + </h2> + <p> + On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home at Westcote + very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, like a thief in the + night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In two minutes he was asleep, + and it was no wonder, for by that time it was five minutes after three in + the morning, and Mr. Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock. Even when + he was delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule to catch the + nine o'clock train home. + </p> + <p> + When Mrs. Billings awoke the next—or, rather, that same—morning, + she gazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her husband, and was in + the satisfied frame of mind that takes an unexpected train delay as a + legitimate excuse, when she happened to cast her eyes upon Mr. Billings's + coat, which was thrown carelessly over the foot of the bed. Protruding + from one of the side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle, half full of + milk. Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searching Mr. Billings's + other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful. + </p> + <p> + In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, such as + ladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of their own, and + these curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, when she dived into his + trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns carefully wrapped in a lady's + handkerchief, with the initials “T. M. C.” embroidered in one corner. + </p> + <p> + All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau drawer and + proceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. Billings, he yawned, + stretched, and then, realizing that getting-up time had arrived, hopped + briskly out of bed. + </p> + <p> + “You got in late last night,” said Mrs. Billings pleasantly. + </p> + <p> + If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was mistaken. He + continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if he had a clear + conscience. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed I did, Mary,” he said. “It was three when I entered the house, for + the clock was just striking.” + </p> + <p> + “Something must have delayed you,” suggested Mrs. Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Otherwise, dear,” said Mr. Billings, “I should have been home much + sooner. + </p> + <p> + “Probably,” said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most sarcastic tone, + as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew out the patent + nursing-bottle, “this had something to do with your being delayed!” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, and then he drew out his watch + and looked at that. + </p> + <p> + “My dear,” he said, “you are right. It did. But I now have just time to + gulp down my coffee and catch my train. To-night, when I return from town, + I will tell you the most remarkable story of that nursing-bottle, and how + it happened to be in my pocket, and in the mean time I beg you—I + most sincerely beg you—to feel no uneasiness.” + </p> + <p> + With this he hurried out of the room, and a few moments later his wife saw + him running for his train. + </p> + <p> + All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most disturbing thoughts, and as + soon as dinner was finished that evening she led the way into the library. + </p> + <p> + “Now, Rollin?” she said, and without hesitation Mr. Billings began. + </p> + <p> + I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE + </p> + <p> + You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, the coloured elevator boy in our + office building, and you know what a pleasant, accommodating lad he is. He + is the sort of boy for whom one would gladly do a favour, for he is always + so willing to do favours for others, but I was thinking nothing of this + when I stepped from my office at exactly five o'clock yesterday evening. I + was thinking of nothing but getting home to dinner as soon as possible, + and was just stepping into the elevator when Lemuel laid his hand gently + on my arm. + </p> + <p> + “I beg yo' pahdon, Mistah Billings,” he said politely, “but would yo' do + me a favour?” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, Lemuel,” I said; “how much can I lend you?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tain't that, sah,” he said. “I wish t' have a word or two in private + with yo'. Would yo' mind steppin' back into yo' office until I git these + folks out of th' buildin', so's I can speak to yo'?” + </p> + <p> + I knew I had still half an hour before my six-two train, and I was not + unwilling to do Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my office as he + desired, and waited there until he appeared, which was not until he had + taken all the tenants down in his elevator. Then he opened the door and + came in. With him was the young man I had often seen in the office next to + mine, as I passed, and a young woman on whom I had never set my eyes + before. No sooner had they opened the door than the young man began to + speak, and Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Billings,” said the young man, “you may think it strange that I + should come to you in this way when you and I are hardly acquaintances, + but I have often observed you passing my door, and have noted your + kind-looking face, and the moment I found this trouble upon me I instantly + thought of you as the one man who would be likely to help me out of my + difficulty.” + </p> + <p> + While he said this I had time to study his face, and also to glance at the + young woman, and I saw that he must, indeed, be in great trouble. I also + saw that the young woman was pretty and modest and that she, also, was in + great distress. I at once agreed to help him, provided I should not be + made to miss the six-thirty train, for I saw I was already too late for + the six-two. + </p> + <p> + “Good!” he cried. “For several years Madge—who is this young lady—and + I have been in love, and we wish to be married this evening, but her + father and my father are waiting at the foot of the elevator at this + minute, and they have been waiting there all day. There is no other way + for us to leave the building, for the foot of the stairs is also the foot + of the elevator, and, in fact, when I last peeped, Madge's father was + sitting on the bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen minutes of six, and + at six o'clock they mean to come up and tear Madge and me away, and have + us married.” + </p> + <p> + “To—” I began. + </p> + <p> + “To each other,” said the young man with emotion. + </p> + <p> + “But I thought that was what you wanted?” I exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Not at all! Not at all!” said the young man, and the young woman added + her voice in protest, too. “I am the head of the Statistical Department of + the Society for the Obtaining of a Uniform National Divorce Law, and the + work in that department has convinced me beyond a doubt that forced + marriages always end unhappily. In eighty-seven thousand six hundred and + four cases of forced marriages that I have tabulated I have found that + eighty-seven thousand six hundred and three have been unhappy. In the face + of such statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves to be married + against our wills. We insist on marrying voluntarily.” + </p> + <p> + “That could be easily arranged,” I ventured to say, “in view of the fact + that both your fathers wish you to be married.” + </p> + <p> + “Not at all,” said Madge, with more independence than I had thought her + capable of; “because my father and Henry's father are gentlemen of the old + school. I would not say anything against either father, for in ordinary + affairs I they are two most suave and charming old gentlemen, but in this + they hold to the old-school idea that children should allow their parents + to select their life-partners, and they insist that Henry and I allow + ourselves to be forced to marry each other. And that, in spite of the + statistics Henry has shown them. Our whole happiness depends on our + getting out of this building before they can come up and get us. That is + why we appeal to you.” + </p> + <p> + “If you still hesitate, after what Madge has said,” said Henry, pulling a + large roll of paper out of his pocket, “here are the statistics.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well,” I said, “I will help you, if I can do so and not miss the + six-thirty train. What is your plan?” + </p> + <p> + “It is very simple,” said Henry. “Our fathers are both quite near-sighted, + and as six o'clock draws near they will naturally become greatly excited + and nervous, and, therefore, less observant of small things. I have + brought with me some burnt cork with which I will blacken my face, and I + will change clothes with Lemuel, and, in the one moment necessary to + escape, my father will not recognize me. Lemuel, on the other hand, will + whiten his face with some powder that Madge has brought, and will wear my + clothes, and in the excitement my father will seize him instead of me.” + </p> + <p> + “Excellent,” I said, “but what part do I play in this?” + </p> + <p> + “This part,” said Henry, “you will wear, over your street clothes, a gown + that Madge has brought in her suit-case and a hat that she has also + brought, both of which her father will easily recognize, while Madge will + redden her face with rouge, muss her hair, don a torn, calico dress, and + with a scrub-rag and a mop in her hands easily pass for a scrub-woman. + </p> + <p> + “And then?” I asked. + </p> + <p> + “Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously down the stairs, as if you were + Madge and I seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as Lemuel and the + scrub-woman, will go down by the elevator. My father and Madge's father + will seize you and Lemuel—” + </p> + <p> + “And I shall appear like a fool when they discover I am a respectable + business man rigged up in woman's clothes,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Not at all,” said Madge, “for Henry and I have thought of that. You must + play your part until you see that henry and I have escaped from the + elevator and have left the building, and that is all. I have had the + forethought to prepare an alibi for you. As soon as you see that Henry and + I are safe outside the building, you must become very indignant, and + insist that you are a respectable married woman, and in proof you must + hand my father the contents of this package. He will be convinced + immediately and let you go, and then Lemuel can run you up to your office + and you can take off my dress and hat and catch the six-thirty train + without trouble.” She then handed me a small parcel, which I slipped into + my coat pocket. + </p> + <p> + When this had been agreed upon she and Henry left the office and I took + the hat and dress from the suit-case and put them on, while Lemuel put on + Henry's suit and whitened his face. This took but a few minutes, and we + went into the hall and found Henry and Madge already waiting for us. Henry + was blackened into a good likeness of Lemuel, and Madge was quite a mussy + scrub-woman. They immediately entered the elevator and began to descend + slowly, while Lemuel and I crept down the stairs. + </p> + <p> + Lemuel and I kept as nearly as possible opposite the elevator, so that we + might arrive at the foot of the stairs but a moment before Madge and + Henry, and we could hear the two fathers shuffling on the street floor, + when suddenly, as we reached the third floor, we heard a whisper from + Henry in the elevator. The elevator had stuck fast between the third and + fourth floors. As with one mind, Lemuel and I seated ourselves on a step + and waited until Henry should get the elevator running again and could + proceed to the street floor. + </p> + <p> + For a while we could hear no noise but the grating of metal on metal as + Henry worked with the starting lever of the elevator, and then we heard + the two voices of the fathers. + </p> + <p> + “It is a ruse,” said one father. “They are pretending the elevator is + stuck, and when we grow impatient and start up the stairs they will come + down with a rush and escape us.” + </p> + <p> + “But we are not so silly as that,” said the other father. “We will stay + right here and wait until they come down.” + </p> + <p> + At that Lemuel and I settled ourselves more comfortably, for there was + nothing else to do. I cursed inwardly as I felt the minutes slip by and + knew that half-past six had come and gone, but I was sure you would not + like to have me desert those two poor lovers who were fighting to ward off + the statistics, so I sat still and silent. So did Lemuel. + </p> + <p> + I do not know how long I sat there, for it was already dark in the narrow + stairway, but it must have been a long time. I drowsed off, and I was + finally awakened by Lemuel tugging at my sleeve, and I knew that Henry had + managed to start the elevator again. Lemuel and I hastened our steps, and + just as the elevator was coming into sight below the second floor we were + seen by the two fathers. For an instant they hesitated, and then they + seized us. At the same time the elevator door opened and Henry and Madge + came out, and the two fathers hardly glanced at them as they went out of + the door into the street. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I saw that they were safe I feigned great indignation, and so + did Lemuel. + </p> + <p> + “Unhand me, sir!” I cried. “Who do you think I am? I am a respectable + married lady, leaving the building with her husband. Unhand me!” + </p> + <p> + Instead of doing so, however, the father that had me by the arm drew me + nearer to the hall light. As he did so he stared closely at my face. + </p> + <p> + “Morgan,” he said to the other father, “this is not my daughter. My + daughter did not have a moustache.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, I am not your daughter,” I said; “I am a respectable married + lady, and here is the proof.” + </p> + <p> + With that I reached for the package Madge had given me, but it was in my + coat-pocket, underneath the dress I had on, and it was only with great + difficulty and by raising one side of the skirt that I was able to get it. + I unwrapped it and showed it to the father that had me by the arm. It was + the patent nursing-bottle. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Billings had finished his relation his wife sat for a moment in + silence. Then she said: + </p> + <p> + “And he let you go?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, of course,” said Mr. Billings; “he could not hold me after such + proof as that, and Lemuel ran me up to my office, where I changed my hat + and took off the dress. I knew it was late, and I did not know what train + I could catch, but I made haste, and, on the way down in the elevator, I + felt in my pocket to see if I had my commutation ticket, when my hand + struck the patent nursing-bottle. My first impulse was to drop it in the + car, but on second thought I decided to keep it, for I knew that when you + saw it and heard the story you would understand perfectly why I was + detained last night.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes?” said Mrs. Billings questioningly. “But, my dear, all that does not + account for these.” + </p> + <p> + As she said that she drew from her workbasket the three auburn-red curls. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, those!” said Mr. Billings, after a momentary hesitation. “I was about + to tell you about those.” + </p> + <p> + “Do so!” said Mrs. Billings coldly. “I am listening.” + </p> + <p> + II. THE THREE AUBURN-RED CURLS + </p> + <p> + When I went down in the elevator (said Mr. Billings) with the + nursing-bottle in my pocket, I had no thought but to get to the train as + soon as possible, for I saw by the clock in my office that I had just time + to catch the eleven-nine if I should not be delayed. Therefore, as soon as + I was outside the building I started to run, but when I reached the corner + and was just about to step on a passing street-car a hand was laid on my + arm, and I turned to see who was seeking to detain me. It was a woman in + the most pitiable rags, and on her arm she carried a baby so thin and pale + that I could scarcely believe it lived. + </p> + <p> + One glance at the child showed me that it was on the verge of death by + starvation, and this was confirmed by the moans of the mother, who begged + me for humanity's sake to give her money with which to provide food for + the child, even though I let her, herself, starve. You know, my dear, you + never allow me to give money to street beggars, and I remembered this, but + at the same time I remembered the patent nursing-bottle I still carried in + my pocket. + </p> + <p> + Without hesitation I drew the patent nursing-bottle from my pocket and + told the mother to allow the infant to have a sufficient quantity of milk + it contained to sustain the child's life until she could procure other + alms or other aid. With a cry of joy the mother took the nursing-bottle + and pressed it to the poor baby's lips, and it was with great pleasure I + saw the rosy colour return to the child's cheeks. The sadness of despair + that had shadowed the mother's face also fled, and I could see that + already she was looking on life with a more optimistic view. + </p> + <p> + I verily believe the child could have absorbed the entire contents of the + bottle, but I had impressed upon the mother that she was to give the child + only sufficient to sustain life, not to suffice it until it was grown to + manhood or womanhood, and when the bottle was half-emptied the mother + returned it to me. How much time all this occupied I do not know, but the + child took the milk with extreme slowness. I may say that it took the milk + drop by drop. A great deal of time must have elapsed. + </p> + <p> + But when the mother had returned the patent nursing-bottle to me and saw + how impatient I was to be gone, she still retained her hold upon my arm. + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” she said, “you have undoubtedly saved the life of my child, and I + only regret that I cannot repay you for all it means to me. But I cannot. + Stay!” she cried, when I was about to pull my arm away. “Has your wife + auburn-red hair?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” I said, “she has not, her hair is a most beautiful black.” + </p> + <p> + “No matter,” said the poor woman, putting her hand to her head. “Some day + she may wish to change the colour of her hair to auburn-red, which is + easily done with a little bleach and a little dye, and should she do so + these may come handy;” and with that she slipped something soft and fluffy + into my hand and fled into the night. When I looked, I saw in my hand the + very curls you hold there. My first impulse was to drop them in the + street, but I remembered that the poor woman had not given them to me, but + to you, and that it was my duty to bring them home to you, so I slipped + them into my pocket. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Billings had ended this recital of what had happened to him his + wife said: + </p> + <p> + “Huh!” + </p> + <p> + At the same time she tossed the curls into the grate, where they + shrivelled up, burst into blue smoke, and shortly disappeared in ashes. + </p> + <p> + “That is a very likely story,” she said, “but it does not explain how this + came to be in your pocket.” + </p> + <p> + Saying this she drew from her basket the handkerchief and handed it to Mr. + Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Hah!” he exclaimed. For a moment he turned the rolled-up handkerchief + over and over, and then he cautiously opened it. At the sight of the + twelve acorns he seemed somewhat surprised, and when the initials “T. M. + C.” on the corner of the handkerchief caught his eye he blushed. + </p> + <p> + “You are blushing—you are disturbed,” said Mrs. Billings severely. + </p> + <p> + “I am,” said Mr. Billings, suddenly recovering himself; “and no wonder.” + </p> + <p> + “And no wonder, indeed!” said Mrs Billings. “Perhaps, then, you can tell + me how those acorns and that handkerchief came to be in your pocket.” + </p> + <p> + “I can,” said Mr. Billings, “and I will.” + </p> + <p> + “You had better,” said Mrs. Billings. + </p> + <p> + III. THE TWELVE ACORNS AND THE LADY'S HANDKERCHIEF + </p> + <p> + You may have noticed, my dear (said Mr. Billings), that the initials on + that handkerchief are “T. M. C.,” and I wish you to keep that in mind, for + it has a great deal to do with this story. Had they been anything else + that handkerchief would not have found its way into my pocket; and when + you see how those acorns and that handkerchief, and the half-filled + nursing-bottle and the auburn-red curls all combined to keep me out of my + home until the unearthly hour of three A. M., you will forget the unjust + suspicions which I too sadly fear you now hold against me, and you will + admit that a half-filled patent nursing-bottle, a trio of curls, a lady's + handkerchief and twelve acorns were the most natural things in the world + to find in my pockets. + </p> + <p> + When I had left the poor woman with her no-longer-starving baby I + hurriedly glanced into a store window, and by the clock there saw it was + twenty minutes of one and that I had exactly time to catch the one o'clock + train, which is the last train that runs to Westcote. I glanced up and + down the street, but not a car was in sight, and I knew I could not afford + to wait long if I wished to catch that train. There was but one thing to + do, and that was to take a cab, and, as luck would have it, at that moment + an automobile cab came rapidly around the corner. I raised my voice and my + arm, and the driver saw or heard me, for he made a quick turn in the + street and drew up at the curb beside me. I hastily gave him the + directions, jumped in and slammed the door shut, and the auto-cab + immediately started forward at what seemed to me unsafe speed. + </p> + <p> + We had not gone far when something in the fore part of the automobile + began to thump in a most alarming manner, and the driver slackened his + speed, drew up to the curb and stopped. He opened the door and put his + head in. + </p> + <p> + “Something's gone wrong,” he said, “but don't you worry. I'll have it + fixed in no time, and then I can put on more speed and I'll get you there + in just the same time as if nothing had happened.” + </p> + <p> + When he said this I was perfectly satisfied, for he was a nice-looking + man, and I lay back, for I was quite tired out, it was so long past my + usual bedtime; and the driver went to work, doing things I could not + understand to the fore part of the automobile, where the machinery is. I + remember thinking that the cushions of this automobile were unusually + soft, and then I must have dozed off, and when I opened my eyes I did not + know how much time had elapsed, but the driver was still at work and I + could hear him swearing. He seemed to be having a great deal of trouble, + so I got out of the automobile, intending to tell him that perhaps I had + better try to get a car, after all. But his actions when he saw me were + most unexpected. He waved the wrench he held in his hand, and ordered me + to get back into the automobile, and I did. I supposed he was afraid he + would lose his fare and tip, but in a few minutes he opened the door again + and spoke to me. + </p> + <p> + “Now, sport,” he said, “there ain't no use thinkin' about gettin' that + train, because it's gone, and I may as well say now that you've got to + come with me, unless you want me to smash your head in. The fact is, this + ain't no public automobile, and I hadn't no right to take you for a + passenger. This automobile belongs to a lady and I'm her hired chauffeur, + and she's at a bridge-whist party in a house on Fifth Avenue, and I'm + supposed to be waiting outside that house. One-fifteen o'clock was the + time she said she would be out. But I thought maybe I might make a dollar + or two for myself instead of waiting there all that time, and she would + never know it. And now it is nearly two o'clock, and if I go back alone + she will be raving mad, and I'll get my discharge and no references, and + my poor wife and six children will have to starve. So you will have to go + with me and explain how it was that I wasn't there at one-fifteen + o'clock.” + </p> + <p> + “My friend,” I said, “I am sorry for you, but I do not see how it would + help you, should I refuse to go and you should, as you say, smash my head + in.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't you worry none about that,” he said. “If I smashed your head in, as + I could do easy enough with this wrench, I'd take what was left of you up + some dark street, and lay you on the pavement and run the machine across + you once or twice, and then take you to a hospital, and that would be + excuse enough. You'd be another 'Killed by an Automobile,' and I'd be the + hero that picked you up and took you to the hospital.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” I said, “under the circumstances I shall go with you, not because + you threaten me, but because your poor wife and six children are + threatened with starvation.” + </p> + <p> + “Good!” he said. “And now all you have to do is to think of what the + excuse you will give my lady boss will be.” + </p> + <p> + With that he lay back against the cushions and waited. He seemed to feel + that the matter did not concern him any more, and that the rest of it lay + with me. + </p> + <p> + “Go ahead!” I said to him. “I have no idea what I shall tell your + mistress, but since I have lost the last train I must try to catch the two + o'clock trolley car to Westeote, and I do not wish to spend any more time + than necessary on this business. Make all the haste possible, and as we go + I shall think what I will say when we get there.” + </p> + <p> + The driver got out and took his seat and started the car. I was worried, + indeed, my dear. I tried to think of something plausible to tell the young + man's employer; something that would have an air of self-proof, when + suddenly I remembered the half-filled nursing-bottle and the three + auburn-red curls. Why should I not tell the lady that a poor mother, while + proceeding down Fifth Avenue from her scrub-woman job, had been taken + suddenly ill, and that I, being near, had insisted that this automobile + help me convey the woman to her home, which we found, alas! to be in the + farthest districts of Brooklyn? Then I would produce the three auburn-red + curls and the half-filled nursing-bottle as having been left in the + automobile by the woman, and this proof would suffice. + </p> + <p> + I had fully decided on this when the automobile stopped in front of a + large house in Fifth Avenue, and I had time to tell the driver that I had + thought of the proper thing to say, but that was all, for the waiting lady + came down the steps in great anger, and was about to begin a good + scolding, when she noticed me sitting in her automobile. + </p> + <p> + If she had been angry before she was now furious, and she was the kind of + young woman who can be extremely furious when she tries. I think nothing + in the world could have calmed her had she not caught sight of my face by + the light of two strong lamps on a passing automobile. She saw in my face + what you see there now, my dear—the benevolent, fatherly face of a + settled-down, trustworthy, married man of past middle age—and as if + by magic her anger fled and she burst into tears. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir!” she cried, “I do not know who you are, nor how you happen to be + in my car, but at this moment I am homeless and friendless. I am alone in + the world, and I need advice. Let me get into the car beside you—” + </p> + <p> + “Miss,” I said, “I do not like to disoblige you, but I can never allow + myself to be in an automobile at this time of night with a strange woman, + unchaperoned.” + </p> + <p> + These words seemed almost more than she could bear, and my heart was full + of pity, but, just as I was about to spring from the automobile and rush + away, I saw on the walk the poor woman to whose baby I had given the half + of the contents of the patent nursing-bottle. I called her and made her + get into the automobile, and then I let the young woman enter. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” I said, “where to?” + </p> + <p> + “That,” she said, “is what I do not know. When I left my home this evening + I left it forever, and I left a note of farewell to my father, which he + must have received and read by this time, and if I went back he would turn + me from the door in anger, for he is a gentleman of the old school.” + </p> + <p> + When I heard these words I was startled. “Can it be,” I asked, “that you + have a brother henry?” + </p> + <p> + “I have,” she admitted; “Henry Corwin is his name.” This was the name of + the young man I had helped that very evening to marry Madge. I told her to + proceed. + </p> + <p> + “My father,” she said, “has been insisting that I marry a man I do not + love, and things have come to such a point that I must either accede or + take things into my own hands. I agreed to elope this evening with the man + I love, for he had long wished me to elope with him. I was to meet him + outside his house at exactly one-fifteen o'clock, and I told him that if I + was not there promptly he might know I had changed my mind. When the time + came for me to hasten to him in my automobile, which was then to hurry us + to a waiting minister, my automobile was not here. Unfortunately I did not + know my lover's address, for I had left it in the card pocket in this + automobile. I knew not what to do. As the time passed and my automobile + did not appear I knew that my lover had decided that I was not coming, and + had gone away into his house. Now I cannot go home, for I have no home. I + cannot so lower my pride as to ring the bell of his house and say I wish + to be forgiven and married even yet. What shall I do?” + </p> + <p> + For answer I felt in the card pocket of the automobile and drew out the + address of her lover, and without hesitation I gave the address to the + chauffeur. In a few minutes we were there. Leaving the young woman in the + car with the poor woman, I got out and surveyed the house. It was + unpromising. Evidently all the family but the young man were away for the + summer, and the doors and windows were all boarded up. There was not a + bell to ring. I pounded on the boards that covered the door, but it was + unavailing. The young woman called to me that the young man lived in the + front room of the topmost floor, and could not hear me, and I glanced up + and saw that one window alone of all those in the house was not boarded + up. Instantly I hopped upon the seat beside the driver and said, “Central + Park.” + </p> + <p> + We dashed up Fifth Avenue and into the Park at full speed, and when we + were what I considered far enough in I ordered him to stop, and hurrying + up a low bank I began to grope among the leaves of last year under the + trees. I was right. In a few minutes I had filled my pockets with acorns, + was back in the car, and we were hurrying toward the house of the lover, + when I saw standing on a corner a figure I instantly recognized as Lemuel, + the elevator boy, and at the same time I remembered that Lemuel spent his + holidays pitching for a ball nine, He was just the man I needed, and I + stopped and made him get into the car. In a minute more we were before the + house again, and I handed Lemuel a fistful of acorns. He drew back and + threw them with all his strength toward the upper window. + </p> + <p> + My dear, will you believe it? Those acorns were wormy! They were light. + They would not carry to the window, but scattered like bits of chips when + they had travelled but half-way. I was upset, but Lemuel was not. He + ordered the chauffeur to drive to lower Sixth Avenue with all speed, in + order that he might get a baseball. With this he said he could hit any + mark, and we had started in that direction when, passing a restaurant on + Broadway, I saw emerge Henry and Madge. + </p> + <p> + “Better far,” I said to myself, “put this young woman in charge of her + brother and his new wife than leave her to elope alone,” and I made the + chauffeur draw up beside them. Hastily I explained the situation, and + where we were going at that moment, and Henry and Madge laughed in unison. + </p> + <p> + “Madge,” said Henry, “we had no trouble making wormy acorns travel through + the air, had we?” And both laughed again. At this I made them get into the + automobile, and while we returned to the lover's house I made them + explain. It was very simple, and I had just tied a dozen acorns tightly in + my handkerchief, making a ball to throw at the window, when the poor woman + with the baby noticed that the window was partly open. I asked Lemuel if + he could throw straight enough to throw the handkerchief-ball into the + window, and he said he could, and took the handkerchief, but a brighter + idea came to me, and I turned to the eloping young lady. + </p> + <p> + “Let me have your handkerchief, if it has your initials on it,” I said; + “for when he sees that fall into his room he will know you are here. He + will not think you are forward, coming to him alone, for he will know you + could never have thrown the handkerchief, even if loaded with acorns, to + such a height. It will be your message to him.” + </p> + <p> + At this, which I do pride myself was a suggestion worthy of myself, all + were delighted, and while I modestly tied twelve acorns in the + handkerchief on which were the initials “T. M. C.,” all the others + cheered. Even the woman from whom I had received the three auburn-red + curls cheered, and the baby that was half-filled out of the patent + nursing-bottle crowed with joy. But the chauffeur honked his honker. + Lemuel took the handkerchief full of acorns in his hand and drew back his + famous left arm, when suddenly Theodora Mitchell Corwin—for that was + the eloping young lady's name—shrieked, and looking up we saw her + lover at the window. He gave an answering yell and disappeared, and Lemuel + let his left arm fall and handed me the handkerchief-ball. + </p> + <p> + In the excitement I dropped it into my pocket, and it was not until I was + on the car for Westcote that I discovered it, and then, not wishing to be + any later in getting home, I did not go back to give it to Theodora + Mitchell Corwin; in fact, I did not know where she had eloped to. Nor + could I give it to Madge or Henry, for they had gone on their wedding + journey as soon as they saw Theodora and her lover safely eloped. + </p> + <p> + I had no right to give it to the poor woman with the baby, even if she had + not immediately disappeared into her world of poverty, and it certainly + did not belong to Lemuel, nor could I have given it to him, for he took + the ten dollars the lover gave him and stayed out so late that he was late + to work this morning and was discharged. He said he was going back to + Texas. So I brought the handkerchief and the twelve acorns home, knowing + you would be interested in hearing their story. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Billings had thus finished his relation of the happenings of his + long evening, Mrs. Billings was thoughtful for a minute. Then she said: + </p> + <p> + “But Rollin, when I spoke to you of the handkerchief and the twelve acorns + you blushed, and said you had reason to blush. I see nothing in this kind + action you did to cause a blush.” + </p> + <p> + “I blushed,” said Mr. Billings, “to think of the lie I was going to tell + Theodora Merrill Corwin—” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you said her name was Theodora Mitchell Corwin,” said Mrs. + Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Mitchell or Merill,” said Mr. Billings. “I cannot remember exactly + which.” + </p> + <p> + For several minutes Mrs. Billings was silent. Occasionally she would open + her mouth as if to ask a question, but each time she closed it again + without speaking. Mr. Billings sat regarding his wife with what, in a man + of less clear conscience, might be called anxiety. At length Mrs. Billings + put her sewing into her sewing-basket and arose. + </p> + <p> + “Rollin,” she said, “I have enjoyed hearing you tell your experiences + greatly. I can say but one thing: Never in your life have you deceived me. + And you have not deceived me now.” + </p> + <p> + For half an hour after this Mr. Billings sat alone, thinking. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + </h2> + <p> + When our new suburban house was completed I took Sarah out to see it, and + she liked it all but the stairs. + </p> + <p> + “Edgar,” she said, when she had ascended to the second floor, “I don't + know whether it is imagination or not, but it seems to me that these + stairs are funny, some way. I can't understand it. They are not a long + flight, and they are not unusually steep, but they seem to be unusually + wearying. I never knew a short flight to tire me so, and I have climbed + many flights in the six years we have lived in flats.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps, Sarah,” I said, with mild dissimulation, “you are unusually + tired to-day.” + </p> + <p> + The fact was that I had planned those stairs myself, and for a particular + reason I had made the rise of each step three inches more than the + customary height, and in this way I had saved two steps. I had also made + the tread of the steps unusually narrow; and the reason was that I had + found, from long experience, that stair carpet wears first on the tread of + the steps, where the foot falls. By making the steps tall enough to save + two, and by making the tread narrow, I reduced the wear on the carpet to a + minimum. I believe in economy where it is possible. For the same reason I + had the stair banisters made wide, with a saddle-like top to the newel + post, to tempt my son and daughter to slide downstairs. The less they used + the stairs the longer the carpet would last. + </p> + <p> + I need hardly say that Sarah has a fear of burglars; most women have. As + for myself, I prefer not to meet a burglar. It is all very well to get up + in the night and prowl about with a pistol in one hand, seeking to + eliminate the life of a burglar, and some men may like it; but I am of a + very excitable nature, and I am sure that if I did find a burglar and + succeeded in shooting him, I should be in such an excited state that I + could not sleep again that night—and no man can afford to lose his + night's rest. + </p> + <p> + There are other objections to shooting a burglar in the house, and these + objections apply with double force when the house and its furnishings are + entirely new. Although some of the rugs in our house were red, not all of + them were; and I had no guarantee that if I shot a burglar he would lie + down on a red rug to bleed to death. A burglar does not consider one's + feelings, and would be quite as apt to bleed on a green rug, and spoil it, + as not. Until burglarizing is properly regulated and burglars are + educated, as they should be, in technical burglary schools, we cannot hope + that a shot burglar will staunch his wound until he can find a red rug to + lie down on. + </p> + <p> + And there are still other objections to shooting a burglar. If all + burglars were fat, one of these would be removed; but perhaps a thin + burglar might get in front of my revolver, and in that case the bullet + would be likely to go right through him and continue on its way, and + perhaps break a mirror or a cut-glass dish. I am a thin man myself, and if + a burglar shot at me he might damage things in the same way. + </p> + <p> + I thought all these things over when we decided to build in the suburbs, + for Sarah is very nervous about burglars, and makes me get up at the + slightest noise and go poking about. Only the fact that no burglar had + ever entered our flat at night had prevented what might have been a + serious accident to a burglar, for I made it a rule, when Sarah wakened me + on such occasions, to waste no time, but to go through the rooms as + hastily as possible and get back to bed; and at the speed I travelled I + might have bumped into a burglar in the dark and knocked him over, and his + head might have struck some hard object, causing concussion of the brain; + and as a burglar has a small brain a small amount of concussion might have + ruined it entirely. But as I am a slight man it might have been my brain + that got concussed. A father of a family has to think of these things. + </p> + <p> + The nervousness of Sarah regarding burglars had led me in this way to + study the subject carefully, and my adoption of jet-black pajamas as + nightwear was not due to cowardice on my part. I properly reasoned that if + a burglar tried to shoot me while I was rushing around the house after him + in the darkness, a suit of black pajamas would somewhat spoil his aim, + and, not being able to see me, he would not shoot at all. In this way I + should save Sarah the nerve shock that would follow the explosion of a + pistol in the house. For Sarah was very much more afraid of pistols than + of burglars. I am sure there were only two reasons why I had never killed + a burglar with a pistol: one was that no burglar had ever entered our + flat, and the other was that I never had a pistol. + </p> + <p> + But I knew that one is much less protected in a suburb than in town, and + when I decided to build I studied the burglar protection matter most + carefully. I said nothing to Sarah about it, for fear it would upset her + nerves, but for months I considered every method that seemed to have any + merit, and that would avoid getting a burglar's blood—or mine—spattered + around on our new furnishings. I desired some method by which I could + finish up a burglar properly without having to leave my bed, for although + Sarah is brave enough in sending me out of bed to catch a burglar, I knew + she must suffer severe nerve strain during the time I was wandering about + in the dark. Her objection to explosives had also to be considered, and I + really had to exercise my brain more than common before I hit upon what I + may now consider the only perfect method of handling burglars. + </p> + <p> + Several things coincided to suggest my method. One of these was Sarah's + foolish notion that our silver must, every night, be brought from the + dining-room and deposited under our bed. This I considered a most + foolhardy tempting of fate. It coaxed any burglar who ordinarily would + have quietly taken the silver from the dining-room and have then gone away + peacefully, to enter our room. The knowledge that I lay in bed ready at + any time to spring out upon him would make him prepare his revolver, and + his nervousness might make him shoot me, which would quite upset Sarah's + nerves. I told Sarah so, but she had a hereditary instinct for bringing + the silver to the bedroom, and insisted. I saw that in the suburban house + this, would be continued as “bringing the silver upstairs,” and a trial of + my carpet-saving stairs suggested to me my burglar-defeating plan. I had + the apparatus built into the house, and I had the house planned to agree + with the apparatus. + </p> + <p> + For several months after we moved into the house I had no burglars, but I + felt no fear of them in any event. I was prepared for them. + </p> + <p> + In order not to make Sarah nervous, I explained to her that my invention + of a silver-elevator was merely a time-saving device. From the top of the + dining-room sideboard I ran upright tracks through the ceiling to the back + of the hall above, and in these I placed a glass case, which could be run + up and down the tracks like a dumbwaiter. All our servant had to do when + she had washed the silver was to put it in the glass case, and I had + attached to the top of the case a stout steel cable which ran to the + ceiling of the hall above, over a pulley, and so to our bedroom, which was + at the front of the hall upstairs. By this means I could, when I was in + bed, pull the cable, and the glass case of silver would rise to the second + floor. Our bedroom door opened upon the hall, and from the bed I could see + the glass case; but in order that I might be sure that the silver was + there I put a small electric light in the case and kept it burning all + night. Sarah was delighted with this arrangement, for in the morning all I + had to do was to pay out the steel cable and the silver would descend to + the dining-room, and the maid could have the table all set by the time + breakfast was ready. Not once did Sarah have a suspicion that all this was + not merely a household economy, but my burglar trap. + </p> + <p> + On the sixth of August, at two o'clock in the morning, Sarah awakened me, + and I immediately sat straight up in bed. There was an undoubtable noise + of sawing, and I knew at once that a burglar was entering our home. Sarah + was trembling, and I knew she was getting nervous, but I ordered her to + remain calm. + </p> + <p> + “Sarah,” I said, in a whisper, “be calm! There is not the least danger. I + have been expecting this for some time, and I only hope the burglar has no + dependent family or poor old mother to support. Whatever happens, be calm + and keep perfectly quiet.” + </p> + <p> + With that I released the steel cable from the head of my bed and let the + glass case full of silver slide noiselessly to the sideboard. + </p> + <p> + “Edgar!” whispered Sarah in agonized tones, “are you giving him our + silver?” + </p> + <p> + “Sarah!” I whispered sternly, “remember what I have just said. Be calm and + keep perfectly quiet.” And I would say no more. + </p> + <p> + In a very short time I heard the window below us open softly, and I knew + the burglar was entering the parlour from the side porch. I counted + twenty, which I had figured would be the time required for him to reach + the dining-room, and then, when I was sure he must have seen the silver + shining in the glass case, I slowly pulled on the steel cable and raised + case and silver to the hall above. Sarah began to whisper to me, but I + silenced her. + </p> + <p> + What I had expected happened. The burglar, seeing the silver rise through + the ceiling, left the dining-room and went into the hall. There, from the + foot of the stairs, he could see the case glowing in the hall above, and + without hesitation he mounted the stairs. As he reached the top I had a + good view of him, for he was silhouetted against the light that glowed + from the silver case. He was a most brutal looking fellow of the + prize-fighting type, but I almost laughed aloud when I saw his build. He + was short and chunky. As he stepped forward to grasp the silver case, I + let the steel cable run through my fingers, and the case and its precious + contents slid noiselessly down to the dining-room. For only one instant + the burglar seemed disconcerted, then he turned and ran downstairs again. + </p> + <p> + This time I did not wait so long to draw up the silver. I hardly gave him + time to reach the dining-room door before I jerked the cable, and the case + was glowing in the upper hall. The burglar immediately stopped, turned, + and mounted the stairs, but just as he reached the top I let the silver + slide down again, and he had to turn and descend. Hardly had he reached + the bottom step before I had the silver once more in the upper hall. + </p> + <p> + The burglar was a gritty fellow and was not to be so easily defeated. With + some word which I could not catch, but which I have no doubt was profane, + or at least vulgar, he dashed up the stairs, and just as his hand touched + the case I let the silver drop to the dining-room. I smiled as I saw his + next move. He carefully removed his coat and vest, rolled up his sleeves, + and took off his collar. This evidently meant that he intended to get the + silver if it took the whole night, and nothing could have pleased me more. + I lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking with suppressed laughter, and + had to stuff a corner of a pillow in my mouth to smother the sound of my + mirth. I did not allow the least pity for the unfortunate fellow to weaken + my nerve. + </p> + <p> + A low, long screech from the hall told me that I had a man of uncommon + brain to contend with, for I knew the sound came from his hands drawing + along the banister, and that to husband his strength and to save time, he + was sliding down. But this did not disconcert me. It pleased me. The + quicker he went down, the oftener he would have to walk up. + </p> + <p> + For half an hour I played with him, giving him just time to get down to + the foot of the stairs before I raised the silver, and just time to reach + the top before I lowered it, and then I grew tired of the sport—for + it was nothing else to me—and decided to finish him off. I was + getting sleepy, but it was evident that the burglar was not, and I was a + little afraid I might fall asleep and thus defeat myself. The burglar had + that advantage because he was used to night work. So I quickened my + movements a little. When the burglar slid down I gave him just time to see + the silver rise through the ceiling, and when he climbed the stairs I only + allowed him to see it descend through the floor. In this way I made him + double his pace, and as I quickened my movements I soon had him dashing up + the stairs and sliding down again as if for a wager. I did not give him a + moment for rest, and he was soon panting terribly and beginning to + stumble; but with almost superhuman nerve he kept up the chase. He was an + unusually tough burglar. + </p> + <p> + But quick as he was I was always quicker, and a glimpse of the glowing + case was all I let him have at either end of his climb or slide. No sooner + was he down than it was up, and no sooner was the case up than he was up + after it. In this way I kept increasing his speed until it was something + terrific, and the whole house shook, like an automobile with a very + powerful motor. But still his speed increased. I saw then that I had + brought him to the place I had prepared for, where he had but one object + in life, and that was to beat the case up or down stairs; and as I was now + so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did what I had intended to + do from the first. I lowered the case until it was exactly between the + ceiling of the dining-room and the floor of the hall above—and + turned out the electric light. I then tied the steel cable securely to the + head of my bed, turned over, and went to sleep, lulled by the shaking of + the house as the burglar dashed up and down the stairs. + </p> + <p> + Just how long this continued I do not know, for my sleep was deep and + dreamless, but I should judge that the burglar ran himself to death + sometime between half-past three and a quarter after four. So great had + been his efforts that when I went to remove him I did not recognize him at + all. When I had seen him last in the glow of the glass silver case he had + been a stout, chunky fellow, and now his remains were those of an + emaciated man. He must have run off one hundred and twenty pounds of flesh + before he gave out. + </p> + <p> + Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our silver consisted of but half a + dozen each of knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, and a sugar + spoon, all plated, and worth probably five dollars, and to save this I had + made the burglar wear to rags a Wilton stair carpet worth twenty-nine + dollars. But I have now corrected this. I have bought fifty dollars worth + of silver. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1285 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f15cb00 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #1285 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1285) diff --git a/old/1285-0.txt b/old/1285-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3049f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1285-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2101 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Water Goats and Other Troubles, by +Ellis Parker Butler + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Water Goats and Other Troubles + +Author: Ellis Parker Butler + +Posting Date: September 17, 2008 [EBook #1285] +Release Date: April, 1998 +Last Updated: March 11, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES *** + + + + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + +By Ellis Parker Butler + + +By The Same Author + + Pigs is Pigs + + The Great American Pie Company + + Mike Flannery On Duty and off + + The Thin Santa Claus + + That Pup, Kilo, etc. + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + + + +CONTENTS + +I. THE WATER GOATS II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + + + +I. THE WATER GOATS + + +“And then,” said the landscape gardener, combing his silky, pointed +beard gently with his long, artistic fingers, “in the lake you might +have a couple of gondolas. Two would be sufficient for a lake of this +size; amply sufficient. Yes,” he said firmly, “I would certainly advise +gondolas. They look well, and the children like to ride on them. And so +do the adults. I would have two gondolas in the lake.” + +Mayor Dugan and the City Council, meeting as a committee of the whole +to receive the report of the landscape gardener and his plan for the new +public park, nodded their heads sagely. + +“Sure!” said Mayor Dugan. “We want two of thim--of thim gon--thim gon--” + +“Gondolas,” said the landscape gardener. “Sure!” said Mayor Dugan, “we +want two of thim. Remimber th' gondolas, Toole.” + +“I have thim fast in me mind,” said Toole. “I will not let thim git +away, Dugan.” + +The landscape gardener stood a minute in deep thought, looking at the +ceiling. + +“Yes, that is all!” he said. “My report, and the plan, and what I have +mentioned, will be all you need.” + +Then he shook hands with the mayor and with all the city councilmen +and left Jeffersonville forever, going back to New York where landscape +gardeners grow, and the doors were opened and the committee of the whole +became once more the regular meeting of the City Council. + +The appropriation for the new park was rushed through in twenty minutes, +passing the second and third readings by the reading of the title under +a suspension of the by-laws, and being unanimously adopted. It was a +matter of life and death with Mayor Dugan and his ring. Jeffersonville +was getting tired of the joyful grafters, and murmurs of discontent +were concentrating into threats of a reform party to turn the +cheerful rascals out. The new park was to be a sop thrown to the +populace--something to make the city proud of itself and grateful to its +mayor and council. It was more than a pet scheme of Mayor Dugan, it +was a lifeboat for the ring. In half an hour the committees had been +appointed, and the mayor turned to the regular business. Then from his +seat at the left of the last row little Alderman Toole arose. + +“Misther Mayor,” he said, “how about thim--thim don--thim don--Golas!” + whispered Alderman Grevemeyer hoarsely, “dongolas.” + +“How about thim dongolas, Misther Mayor?” asked Alderman Toole. + +“Sure!” said the mayor. “Will annyone move that we git two dongolas t' +put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on? Will annyone move that Alderman +Toole be a conmittee of wan t' git two dongolas t' put in th' lake?” + +“I make dot motions,” said Alderman Greveneyer, half raising his great +bulk from his seat and sinking back with a grunt. + +“Sicond th' motion,” said Alderman Toole. + +“Moved and siconded,” said the mayor, “that Alderman Toole be a +committee t' buy two dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride +on. Ye have heard th' motion.” + +The motion was unanimously carried. That was the kind of City Council +Mayor Dugan had chosen. + +When little Alderman Toole dropped into Casey's saloon that night on his +way home he did not slip meekly to the far end of the bar, as he usually +did. For the first time in his aldermanic career he had been put on a +committee where he would really have something to do, and he felt +the honour. He boldly took a place between the big mayor and Alderman +Grevemeyer, and said: “One of th' same, Casey,” with the air of a man +who has matters of importance on his mind. He felt that things were +coming his way. Even the big mayor seemed to appreciate it, for he put +his hand affectionately on Toole's shoulder. + +“Mike,” said the mayor, “about thim dongolas, now; have ye thought anny +about where ye would be gettin' thim?” + +“I have not,” said Toole. “I was thinkin' 'twould be good t' think it +over a bit, Dugan. Mebby 'twould be best t' git thim at Chicagy.” He +looked anxiously at the mayor's face, hoping for some sign of approval +or disapproval, but the mayor's face was noncommittal. “But mebby it +wouldn't,” concluded Toole. As a feeler he added: “Would ye be wantin' +me t' have thim made here, Dugan?” + +The big mayor patted Toole on the shoulder indulgently. + +“It's up t' you, Mike,” he said. “Ye know th' way Dugan does things, an' +th' way he likes thim done. I trust thim that I kin trust, an' whin I +put a man on committee I'm done wid th' thing. Of coorse,” he added, +putting his mouth close to Toole's ear, and winking at Grevemeyer, “ye +will see that there is a rake-off for me an' th' byes.” + +“Sure!” said Toole. + +The big mayor turned back to the bar and took a drink from his glass. +Grevemeyer took a drink from his glass, also. So did Toole, gravely. +Dugan wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and turned to Toole again. + +“Mike,” he said, “what do ye think? Mebby 'twould do as well t' git a +couple of sicond-hand dongolas an' have thim painted up. If they was in +purty good shape no wan would know th' difference, an' 'twould make a +bit more rake-off fer th' byes, mebby.” + +“Th' same word was on th' ind o' me tongue, Dugan,” said Toole, nodding +his head slowly. “I was considerin' this very minute where I could lay +me hand on a couple of purty good dongolas that has not been used much. +Flannagan could paint thim up fine!” + +“Or Stoltzenau could do such paintings,” interposed Grevemeyer. + +“Sure!” agreed the big mayor. He toyed with his glass a moment. “Mike,” + he said suddenly, “what th' divil is a dongola, anyhow?” + +Mike Toole was just raising his glass to his lips with the movements of +one accustomed to hold conversation with the mayor. His left hand rested +on his hip, with his arm akimbo, and his hat was tipped carelessly to +the back of his head. The hand raising his glass stopped short where it +was when he heard the mayor's question. He frowned at the glass--scowled +at it angrily. + +“A dongola, Dugan”--he said slowly, and stopped. “A dongola”--he +repeated. “A dongola--did ye ask me what a dongola might be, Dugan?” + +The big mayor nodded, and Grevemeyer leaned forward to catch the answer. +Casey, too, leaned on his bar and listened. Alderman Toole raised his +glass to his lips and filled his mouth with the liquor. Instantly he +dashed the glass furiously to the floor. He jerked off his hat and cast +it into a far corner and pulled off his coat, throwing it after his hat. +He was climbing on to the bar when the big mayor and Grevemeyer laid +their hands on the little man and held him tightly. The big mayor shook +him once and set him on the floor. + +“Mike!” said the big mayor. “What's th' matter wid ye? What are ye goin' +afther Casey that way for? Is it crazy ye are? Or have ye gone insane?” + +“Knock-out drops!” shouted Toole, shaking his fist at Casey, who looked +down at him in astonishment. “Knock-out drops! I will have th' law on +ye, Casey. I will have th' joint closed! I'll teach ye t' be givin' +knock-out drops t' th' aldermin of th' city!” + +“Mike!” cried the big mayor, giving him another vigorous shake. “Shut up +wid ye! Casey wouldn't be givin' ye annything that wasn't good for ye. +Casey wouldn't be givin' ye knock-out drops.” + +“No?” whispered Mike angrily. “No? Wouldn't he, Dugan? An' what has he +done t' me mimory, then, Dugan? What has he put in th' drink t' rob +me of me mimory? Wan minute ago I knew as well anny other man what a +dongola is like, an' now I have no mimory of anny dongolas at all. Wan +minute ago I could have told ye th' whole history of dongolas, from th' +time of Adam up till now, an' have drawed a picture of wan that annywan +could recognize--an' now I wouldn't know wan if ye was show it t' me! I +was about t' tell ye th' whole history of dongolas, Dugan; 'twas on th' +ind of me tongue t' give ye a talk on dongolas, whin I took a drink. Ye +saw me take a drink, Grevemeyer?” + +“Ya!” said Grevemeyer, nodding his head solemnly. “You took such a +drink!” + +“Sure,” said Toole, arranging his vest. “Grevemeyer saw me take th' +drink--an now I have no mimory of dongolas at all. If ye was t' show me +a chromo of wan I wouldn't know was it a dongola or what. I'm ashamed of +ye, Casey!” + +“If ye done it, Casey, ye hadn't have ought t' have done it,” said Dugan +reprovingly. “Th' mind of him might be ruined intirely.” + +“Stop, Dugan!” said Toole hastily. “I forgive him. Me mind will likely +be all right by mornin'. 'Tis purty good yit, ixcipt on th' subjict of +dongolas. I'm timporarily out of remimbrance what dongolas is. 'Tis odd +how thim knock-out drops works, Grevemeyer.” + +“Ya!” said the alderman unsuspectingly, “gifing such a forgetfulness on +such easy things as dongolas.” + +“Sure! You tell Dugan what dongolas is, Grevemeyer,” said Toole quickly. + +Grevemeyer looked at his glass thoughtfully. His mind worked slowly +always, but he saw that it would not do for him to have knock-out drops +so soon after Toole. + +“Ach!” he exclaimed angrily. “You are insulting to me mit such questions +Toole. So much will I tell you--never ask Germans what is dongolas. It +is not for Germans to talk about such things. Ask Casey.” + +Casey scratched his head thoughtfully. + +“Dongolas?” he repeated. “I have heard th' word, Grevemeyer. Wait a bit! +'Tis something about shoes. Sure! I remimber, now! 'Twas dongola shoes +wan of me kids had, last winter, an' no good they were, too. Dongolas is +shoes, Grevemeyer--laced shoes--dongolas is laced shoes.” + +The big mayor leaned his head far back and laughed long and loud. He +pounded on the bar with his fist, and slapped Toole on the back. + +“Laced shoes!” he cried, wiping his eyes, and then he became suddenly +serious. “'Twould not be shoes, Casey,” he said gravely. “Thim dongolas +was ricomminded by th' landscape-gardener from New Yorrk. 'Twould not be +sinsible t' ricommind us put a pair of laced shoes in th' park lake fer +th' kids t' ride on.” + +“'Twould not seem so,” said Toole, shaking his head wisely. “I wisht me +mind was like it always is. 'Tis a pity--” + +“Stop!” cried Casey. “I have it! Thim was kid shoes. Thim dongolas was +kid shoes.” + +“So said, Casey,” said Duo'an “For th' kid.” + +“No,” said Casey, “of th' kid.” + +“Sure!” said Gravemeyer. “So it is--the shoes of the child.” + +“Right fer ye!” exclaimed Casey. “Th' kid shoes of th' kid. 'Twas kid +leather they were made out of, Dugan. Th' dongola is some fancy kind +of a goat. Like box-calf is th' skin of th' calf of th' box-cow. Th' +dongola is some foreign kind of a goat, Dugan.” + +“Ho, ho-o-o!” cried Toole, suddenly, knocking on his forehead with +the knuckles of his fist. The three men turned their eyes upon him and +stared. + +“What ails ye now, Mike?” asked Dugan, disgustedly. + +“Ho-o-o!” he cried again, slapping himself on the top of his head. “Me +mind is comm' back t' me, Dugan! Th' effects of th' knock-out drops is +wearin' off! I recall now that th' dongola is some fancy kind of a goat. +'Twill all come back t' me soon. + +“Go along wid ye!” exclaimed Dugan. “Would ye be puttin' a goat in th' +lake for th' kids t' ride on?” + +“Sure!” said Toole enthusiastically. “Sure I would, Dugan. Not th' +common goat I wouldn't. But dongola goats I would. Have ye heard of +dongola water goats, Casey? Was thim dongola goat skin shoes warranted +t' be water-proof?” + +Casey wrinkled his brow. + +“'Tis like they was, Toole,” he said doubtfully. “'Tis like they was +warranted t' be, but they wasn't.” + +“Sure!” cried Toole joyously. “'Tis water-proof th' skin of th' dongola +water goats is, like th' skin of th' duck. An' swim? A duck isn't in it +wid a water goat. I remimber seein' thim in ould Ireland whin I was +a bye, Dugan, swimmin in th' lake of Killarney. Ah, 'twas a purty +picture.” + +“I seem t' remimber thim mesilf,” he said. “Not clear, but a bit.” + +“Sure ye do!” cried Toole. “Many's the time I have rode across th' lake +on th' back of a dongola. Me own father, who was a big man in th' ould +country, used t' keep a pair of thim for us childer. 'Twas himself +fetched thim from Donnegal, Dugan. 'Twas from Donnegal they got th' name +of thim, an' 'twas th' name ye give thim that misled me. Donnegoras +was what we called thim in th' ould counry--donnegoras from Donnegal. I +remimber th' two of thim I had whin I was a kid, Dugan--wan was a Nanny, +an' wan was a Billy, an'--” + +“Go on home, Mike,” said Dugan. “Go on home an' sleep it off!” and the +little alderman from the Fourth Ward picked up his hat and coat, and +obeyed his orders. + +Instituting a new public park and seeing that in every purchase and +every contract there is a rake-off for the ring is a big job, and +between this and the fight against the rapidly increasing strength of +the reform party, Mayor Dugan had his hands more than full. He had no +time to think of dongolas, and he did not want to think of them--Toole +was the committee on dongolas, and it was his duty to think of them, +and to worry about them, if any worry was necessary. But Toole did not +worry. He sat down and wrote a letter to his cousin Dennis, official +keeper of the zoo in Idlewild Park at Franklin, Iowa. + + +“Dear Dennis,” he wrote. “Have you any dongola goats in your menagery +for I want two right away good strong ones answer right away your +affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole.” + +“Ps monny no object.” + + +When Dennis Toole received this letter he walked through his zoo and +considered his animals thoughtfully. The shop-worn brown bear would not +do to fill cousin Mike's order; neither would the weather-worn red deer +nor the family of variegated tame rabbits. The zoo of Idlewild Park at +Franklin was woefully short of dongola goats--in fact, to any but the +most imaginative and easily pleased child, it was lacking in nearly +every thing that makes a zoo a congress of the world's most rare and +thrilling creatures. After all, the nearest thing to a goat was a goat, +and goats were plenty in Franklin. Dennis felt an irresistible longing +to aid Mike--the longing that comes to any healthy man when a request +is accompanied by the legend “Money no object.” He wrote that evening to +Mike. + + +“Dear Mike,” he wrote. “I've got two good strong dongola goats I can let +you have cheap. I'm overstocked with dongolas to-day. I want to get rid +of two. Zoo is getting too crowded with all kinds of animals and I +don't need so many dongola goats. I will sell you two for fifty dollars. +Apiece. What do you want them for? Your affectionate cousin, Dennis +Toole, Zoo keeper. PS. Crates extra.” + + +“Casey,” said Mike to his friend the saloon keeper when he received this +communication, “'tis just as I told ye--dongolas is goats. I have +been corrispondin' with wan of th' celibrated animal men regardin' th' +dongola water goat, an' I have me eye on two of thim this very minute. +But 'twill be ixpinsive, Casey, mighty ixpinsive. Th' dongola water +goat is a rare birrd, Casey. They have become extinct in th' lakes +of Ireland, an' what few of thim is left in th' worrld is held at +outrajeous prices. In th' letter I have from th' animal man, Casey, he +wants two hundred dollars apiece for each dongola water goat, an' 'twill +be no easy thing for him t' git thim.” + +“Hasn't he thim in his shop, Mike?” asked Casey. + +“He has not, Casey,” said the little alderman. “He has no place for +thim. Cages he has, an' globes for goldfish, an' birrd cages, but th' +size of th' shop l'aves no room for an aquarium, Casey. He has no tank +for the preservation of water goats. Hippopotamuses an' alligators an' +crocodiles an' dongola water goats an' sea lions he does not keep in +stock, Casey, but sinds out an' catches thim whin ordered. He writes +that his agints has their eyes on two fine dongolas, an' he has +tiligraphed thim t' catch thim.” + +“Are they near by, Mike?” asked Casey, much interested. + +“Naw,” said Toole. “'Twill be some time till I git thim. Th' last he +heard of thim they were swimmin' in th' Lake of Geneva.” + +“Is it far, th' lake?” asked Casey. + +“I disremimber how far,” said Toole. “'Tis in Africa or Asia, or mebby +'tis in Constantinople. Wan of thim countries it is, annyhow.” + +But to his cousin Dennis he wrote: + + +“Dear Dennis--I will take them two dongolas. Crate them good and solid. +Do not send them till I tell you. Send the bill to me. Your affectionate +cousin alderman Michael Toole. Ps Make bill for two hundred dollars a +piece. Business is business. This is between us two. M. T.” + + +A Keeper of the Water Goats had been selected with the utmost care, +combining in the choice practical politics with a sense of fitness. +Timothy Fagan was used to animals--for years he had driven a dumpcart. +He was used to children--he had ten or eleven of his own. And he +controlled several votes in the Fourth Ward. His elevation from the +dump-cart of the street cleaning department to the high office of +Keeper of the Water Goats was one that Dugan believed would give general +satisfaction. + +When the goats arrived in Jeffersonville the two heavy crates were +hauled to Alderman Toole's back yard to await the opening of the park, +and there Mayor Dugan and Goat Keeper Fagan came to inspect them. +Alderman Toole led the way to them with pride, and Mayor Dugan's creased +brow almost uncreased as he bent down and peered between the bars of the +crates. They were fine goats. Perhaps they looked somewhat more dejected +than a goat usually looks--more dirty and down at the heels than a goat +often looks--but they were undoubtedly goats. As specimens of ordinary +Irish goats they might not have passed muster with a careful buyer, but +no doubt they were excellent examples of the dongola. + +“Ye have done good, Mike,” said the mayor. “Ye have done good! But ain't +they mebby a bit off their feed--or something?” + +“Off their feed!” said Toole. “An' who wouldn't be, poor things? Mind +ye, Dugan, thim is not common goats--thim is dongolas--an' used to bein' +in th' wather con-continuous from mornin' till night. 'Tis sufferin' for +a swim they be, poor animals. Wance let thim git in th' lake an' ye will +see th' difference, Dugan. 'Twill make all th' difference in th' worrld +t' thim. 'Tis dyin' for a swim they are.” + +“Sure!” said the Keeper of the Water Goats. “Ye have done good, Mike,” + said the mayor again. “Thim dongolas will be a big surprise for th' +people.” + +They were. They surprised the Keeper of the Goats first of all. The day +before the park was to be opened to the public the goats were taken to +the park and turned over to their official keeper. At eleven +o'clock that morning Alderman Toole was leaning against Casey's bar, +confidentially pouring into his ear the story of how the dongolas had +given their captors a world of trouble, swimming violently to the far +reaches of Lake Geneva and hiding among the bulrushes and reeds, when +the swinging door of the saloon was banged open and Tim Fagan rushed in. +He was mad. He was very mad, but he was a great deal wetter than mad. He +looked as if he had been soaked in water over night, and not wrung out +in the morning. + +“Mike!” he whispered hoarsely, grasping the little alderman by the arm. +“I want ye! I want ye down at th' park.” + +A chill of fear passed over Alderman Toole. He turned his face to Fagan +and laid his hand on his shoulder. + +“Tim,” he demanded, “has annything happened t' th' dongolas?” + +“Is annything happened t' th' dongolas!” exclaimed Fagan sarcastically. +“Is annything wrong with thim water goats? Oh, no, Toole! Nawthin' +has gone wrong with thim! Only they won't go into th' wather, Mike! Is +annything gone wrong with thim, did ye say? Nawthin'! They be in good +health, but they are not crazy t' be swimmin'. Th' way they do not +hanker t' dash into th' water is marvellous, Mike. No water for thim!” + +“Hist!” said Toole uneasily, glancing around to see that no one but +Casey was in hearing. “Mebby ye have not started thim right, Tim.” + +“Mebby not,” said Fagan angrily. “Mebby I do not know how t' start th' +water goat, Toole! Mebby there is one way unbeknownst t' me. If so, I +have not tried it. But th' forty-sivin other ways I have tried, an' th' +goats will not swim. I have started thim backwards an' I have started +thim frontwards, an' I have took thim in by th' horns an' give thim +lessons t' swim, an' they will not swim! I have done me duty by thim, +Mike, an' I have wrastled with thim, an' rolled in th' lake with thim. +Was it t' be swimmin' teacher t' water goats ye got me this job for?” + +“Hist!” said Toole again. “Not so loud, Tim! Ye haven't told Dugan have +ye?” + +“I have not!” said Tim, with anger. “I have not told annybody annything +excipt thim goats an' what I told thim is not dacint hearin'. I have +conversed with thim in strong language, an' it done no good. No swimmin' +for thim! Come on down an' have a chat with thim yersilf, Toole. Come +on down an' argue with thim, an persuade thim with th' soft sound of yer +voice t' swim. Come on down an' git thim water goats used t' th' water.” + +“Ye don't understand th' water goat, Tim,” said Toole in gentle reproof. +“I will show ye how t' handle him,” and he went out, followed by the wet +Keeper of the Water Goats. + +The two water goats stood at the side of the lake, wet and mournful, +tied to two strong stakes. They looked weary and meek, for they had had +a hard morning, but as soon as they saw Tim Fagan they brightened up. +They arose simultaneously on their hind legs and their eyes glittered +with deadly hatred. They strained at their ropes, and then, suddenly, +panic-stricken, they turned and ran, bringing up at the ends of their +ropes with a shock that bent the stout stakes to which they were +fastened. They stood still and cowered, trembling. + +“Lay hold!” commanded Toole. “Lay hold of a horn of th' brute till I +show ye how t' make him swim.” + +Through the fresh gravel of the beach the four feet of the reluctant +goat ploughed deep furrows. It shook its head from side to side, but +Toole and Fagan held it fast, and into the water it went. + +“Now!” cried Alderman Toole. “Git behind an' push, Tim! Wan! Two! Three! +Push!” + +Alderman Toole released his hold and Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan +pushed. Then they tried the other goat. It was easier to try the other +water goat than to waste time hunting up the one they had just tried, +for it had gone away. As soon as Alderman Toole let it go, it went. It +seemed to want to get to the other end of the park as soon as possible, +but it did not take the short cut across the lake--it went around. But +it did not mind travel--it went to the farthest part of the park, and it +would have gone farther if it could. So Alderman Toole and Keeper Fagan +tried the other water goat. That one went straight to the other end of +the park. It swerved from a straight line but once, and that was when +it shied at a pail of water that was in the way. It did not seem to like +water. + +In the Franklin Zoo Dennis Toole had just removed the lid of his tin +lunch-pail when the telegraph boy handed him the yellow envelope. He +turned it over and over, studying its exterior, while the boy went to +look at the shop-worn brown bear. The zoo keeper decided that there was +no way to find out what was inside of the envelope but to open it. He +was ready for the worst. He wondered, unthinkingly, which one of his +forty or more cousins was dead, and opened the envelope. + +“Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo,” he read, “Dongolas won't swim. How do you +make them swim? Telegraph at once. Michael Toole.” + +He laid the telegram across his knees and looked at it as if it was some +strange communication from another sphere. He pushed his hat to one side +of his head and scratched the tuft of red hair thus bared. + +“'Dongolas won't swim!”' he repeated slowly. “An' how do I make thim +swim? I wonder does Cousin Mike take th' goat t' be a fish, or what? +I wonder does he take swimmin' to be wan of th' accomplishments of th' +goat?” He shook his head in puzzlement, and frowned at the telegram. +“Would he be havin' a goat regatta, I wonder, or was he expectin' th' +goat t' be a web-footed animal? 'Won't swim!' he repeated angrily. +'Won't swim!' An' what is it to me if they won't swim? Nayther would +I swim if I was a goat. 'Tis none of me affair if they will not swim. +There was nawthin' said about 'swimmin' goats.' Goats I can give him, +an' dongola goats I can give him, an jumpin' goats, an' climbin' goats, +an' walkin' goats, but 'tis not in me line t'furnish submarine goats. +No, nor goats t' fly up in th' air! Would anny one,” he said with +exasperation, “would anny one that got a plain order for goats ixpict t' +have t' furnish goats that would hop up off th' earth an' make a balloon +ascension? 'Tis no fault of Dennis Toole's thim goats won't swim. What +will Mike be telegraphin' me nixt, I wonder? 'Dear Dennis: Th' goats +won't lay eggs. How do ye make thim?' Bye, have ye a piece of paper t' +write an answer t' me cousin Mike on?” + +The Keeper of the Water Goats and Alderman Toole were sitting on a +rustic bench looking sadly at the water goats when the Jeffersonville +telegraph messenger brought them Dennis Toole's answer. Alderman Toole +grasped the envelope eagerly and tore it open, and Fagan leaned over his +shoulder as he read it: + + +“Michael Toole, Alderman, Jeffersonville,” they read. “Put them in the +water and see if they will swim. Dennis Toole.” + + +“Put thim in th' wather!” exclaimed Alderman Toole angrily. “Why don't +ye put thim in th' wather, Fagan? Why did ye not think t' put thim +in th' wather?” He looked down at his soaking clothes, and his anger +increased. “Why have ye been tryin' t' make thim dongolas swim on land, +Fagan?” he asked sarcastically. “Or have ye been throwin' thim up in th' +air t' see thim swim? Why don't ye put thim in th' wather? Why don't +ye follow th' instructions of th' expert dongola water goat man an' put +thim in th' wather if ye want thim t' swim?” + +Fagan looked at the angry alderman. He looked at the dripping goats. + +“So I did, Mike,” he said seriously. “We both of us did.” + +“An' did we!” cried Alderman Toole in mock surprise. “Is it possible we +thought t' put thim in th' wather whin we wanted thim t' swim? It was in +me mind that we tied thim to a tree an' played ring-around-a-rosy +with thim t' induce thim t' swim! Where's a pencil? Where's a piece of +paper?” he cried. + +He jerked them from the hand of the messenger boy. The afternoon was +half worn away. Every minute was precious. He wrote hastily and handed +the message to the messenger boy. + +“Fagan,” he said, as the boy disappeared down the path at a run, “raise +up yer spirits an come an' give th' water goats some more instructions +in th' ginteel art of swimmin' in th' wather.” + +Fagan sighed and arose. He walked toward the dejected water goats, and, +taking the nearest one by the horns yanked it toward the lake. The goat +was too weak to do more than hold back feebly and bleat its disapproval +of another bath. The more lessons in swimming it received the less it +seemed to like to swim. It had developed a positive hatred of swimming. + +Dennis Toole received the second telegram with a savage grin. He had +expected it. He opened it with malicious slowness. + + +“Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo,” he read. “Where do you think I put them to +make them swim? They won't swim in the lake. It won't do no good to +us for them to swim on dry land. No fooling, now, how do you make them +dongolas swim? Answer quick. + +“Michael Toole.” + + +He did not have to study out his reply, for he had been considering it +ever since he had sent the other telegram. He took a blank from the +boy and wrote the answer. The sun was setting when the Jeffersonville +messenger delivered it to Alderman Toole. + + +“Mike Toole, Jeffersonville,” it said. “Quit fooling, yourself. Don't +you know young dongolas are always water-shy at first? Tie them in the +lake and let them soak, and they will learn to swim fast enough. If I +didn't know any more about dongolas than you do I would keep clear of +them. Dennis Toole.” + + +“Listen to that now,” said Alderman Toole, a smile spreading over his +face. “An' who ever said I knew annything about water goats, anny how? +Th' natural history of th' water goat is not wan of the things usually +considered part of th' iducation of th' alderman from th' Fourth Ward, +Fagan, but 'tis surprised I am that ye did not know th' goat is like th' +soup bean, an' has t' be soaked before usin'. Th' Keeper of th' Water +Goat should know th' habits of th' animal, Fagan. Why did ye not put +thim in to soak in th' first place? I am surprised at ye!” + +“It escaped me mind,” said Fagan. “I was thinkin' these was broke t' +swimmin' an' did not need t' be soaked. I wonder how long they should be +soaked, Mike?” + +“'Twill do no harrm t' soak thim over night, anny how,” said Toole. +“Over night is th' usual soak given t' th' soup-bean an' th' salt +mackerel, t' say nawthin' of th' codfish an' others of th' water-goat +family. Let th' water goats soak over night, Fagan, an by mornin' they +will be ready t' swim like a trout. We will anchor thim in th' lake, +Fagan--an' we will say nawthin' t' Dugan. 'Twould be a blow t' Dugan +was he t' learn th' dongolas provided fer th' park was young an' +wather-shy.” + +They anchored the water goats firmly in the lake, and left them there to +overcome their shyness, which seemed, as Fagan and Toole left them, to +be as great as ever. The goats gazed sadly, and bleated longingly, after +the two men as they disappeared in the dusk, and when the men had passed +entirely out of sight, the goats looked at each other and complained +bitterly. + +Alderman Toole thoughtfully changed his wet clothes for dry ones before +he went to Casey's that evening, for he thought Dugan might be there, +and he was. He was there when Toole arrived, and his brow was black. +He had had a bad day of it. Everything had gone wrong with him and his +affairs. A large lump of his adherents had sloughed off from his party +and had affiliated with his opponents, and the evening opposition paper +had come out with a red-hot article condemning the administration for +reckless extravagance. It had especially condemned Dugan for burdening +the city with new bonds to create an unneeded park, and the whole thing +had ended with a screech of ironic laughter over the--so the editor +called it--fitting capstone of the whole business, the purchase of two +dongola goats at perfectly extravagant prices. + +“Mike,” said the big mayor severely, when the little alderman had +offered his greetings, “there is the divil an' all t' pay about thim +dongolas. Th' News is full of thim. 'Twill be th' ind of us all if they +do not pan out well. Have ye tried thim in th' water yet?” + +“Sure!” exclaimed the little alderman with a heartiness he did not feel. +“What has me an' Fagan been doin' all day but tryin' thim? Have no fear +of th' wather goats, Dugan.” + +“Do they swim well, Mike?” asked the big mayor kindly, but with a weary +heaviness he did not try to conceal. + +“Swim!” exclaimed Toole. “Did ye say swim, Dugan? Swim is no name for +th' way they rip thro' the wather! 'Twas marvellous t' see thim. Ah, +thim dongolas is wonderful animals! Do ye think we could persuade thim +t' come out whin we wanted t' come home? Not thim, Dugan! 'Twas all me +an' Fagan could do t' pull thim out by main force, an' th' minute we let +go of thim, back they wint into th' wather. 'Twas pitiful t' hear th' +way they bleated t' be let back into th' wather agin, Dugan, so we let +thim stay in for th' night.” + +“Ye did not let thim loose in th' lake, Mike?” exclaimed the big mayor. +“Ye did not let thim be so they could git away?” + +“No,” said Toole. “No! They'll not git away, Dugan. We anchored thim +fast.” + +“Ye done good, Mike,” said the big mayor. + +The next morning Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan was down sufficiently +early to drag the bodies of the goats out of the lake long before even +the first citizen was admitted to the park. Alone, and hastily he hid +them in the little tool house, and locked the door on them. Then he went +to find Alderman Toole. He found him in the mayor's office, and beckoned +him to one side. In hot, quick accents he told him the untimely fate of +the dongola water goats, and the mayor--with an eye for everything on +that important day--saw the red face of Alderman Toole grow longer and +redder; saw the look of pain and horror that overspread it. A chilling +fear gripped his own heart. + +“Mike,” he said. “What's th' matter with th' dongolas?” + +It was Fagan who spoke, while the little alderman from the Fourth Ward +stood bereft of speech in this awful moment. + +“Dugan,” he said, “I have not had much ixperience with th' dongola +wather goat, an' th' ways an' habits of thim is strange t' me, but if I +was t' say what I think, I would say they was over-soaked.” + +“Over-soaked, Fagan?” said the mayor crossly. “Talk sense, will ye?” + +“Sure!” said Fagan. “An' over-soaked is what I say. Thim water goats has +all th' looks of bein' soaked too long. I would not say positive, Yer +Honour, but that is th' looks of thim. If me own mother was t' ask me I +would say th' same, Dugan. 'Soakin' too long done it,' is what I would +say.” + +“You are a fool, Fagan!” exclaimed the big mayor. + +“Well,” said Fagan mildly, “I have not had much ixperience in soakin' +dongolas, if ye mean that, Dugan. I do not set up t' be an expert +dongola soaker. I do not know th' rules t' go by. Some may like thim +soaked long an' some may like thim soaked not so long, but if I was to +say, I would say thim two dongolas at th' park has been soaked a dang +sight too long. Th' swim has been soaked clean out of thim.” + +“Are they sick?” asked the big mayor. “What is th' matter with thim?” + +“They do look sick,” agreed Fagan, breaking the bad news gently. “I +should say they look mighty sick, Dugan. If they looked anny sicker, I +would be afther lookin' for a place t' bury thim in. An' I am lookin' +for th' place now.” + +As the truth dawned on the mind of the big mayor, he lost his firm look +and sank into a chair. This was the last brick pulled from under his +structure of hopes. His head sank upon his breast and for many minutes +he was silent, while his aides stood abashed and ill at ease. At last +he raised his head and stared at Toole, more in sorrow than in +resentfulness. + +“Mike,” he said, “Mike Toole! What in th' worrld made ye soak thim +dongolas?” + +“Dugan,” pleaded Toole, laying his hand on the big mayor's arm. “Dugan, +old man, don't look at me that way. There was nawthin' else t' do but +soak thim dongolas. Many's th' time I have seen me old father soakin' +th' young dongolas t' limber thim up for swimmin'. 'If iver ye have to +do with dongolas, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'soak thim well firrst.' +So I soaked thim, an' 'tis none of me fault, nor Fagan's either, that +they soaked full o' wather. First-class dongolas is wather-proof, as +iveryone knows, Dugan, an' how was we t' know thim two was not? How +was me an' Fagan t' know their skins would soak in wather like a pillow +case? Small blame to us, Dugan.” + +The big mayor took his head between his hands and stared moodily at the +floor. + +“Go awn away!” he said after a while. “Ye have done for me an' th' byes, +Toole. Ye have soaked us out of office, wan an' all of us. I want t' be +alone. It is all over with us. Go awn away.” + +Toole and the Keeper of the Water Goats stole silently from the room and +out into the street. Fagan was the first to speak. + +“How was we t' know thim dongolas would soak in wather that way, Toole?” + he said defensively. “How was we t' know they was not th' wather-proof +kind of dongolas?” + +The little alderman from the Fourth Ward walked silently by the Keeper's +side. His head was downcast and his hands were clasped beneath the tails +of his coat. Suddenly he looked Fagan full in the face. + +“'Twas our fault, Fagan,” he said. “'Twas all our fault. If we didn't +know thim dongolas was wather-proof we should have varnished thim before +we put thim in th' lake t' soak. I don't blame you, Fagan, for ye did +not know anny better, but I blame mesilf. For I call t' mind now that +me father always varnished th' dongolas before he soaked thim overnight. +'Take no chances, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'always varnish thim +firrst. Some of thim is rubbery an' will not soak up wather, but some is +spongy, an' 'tis best t' varnish one an' all of thim.”' + +“Think of that now!” exclaimed Fagan with admiration. “Sure, but this +natural history is a wonderful science, Toole! To think that thim +animals was th' spongyhided dongola water goats of foreign lands, an' +used t' bein' varnished before each an' every bath! An' t' me they +looked no different from th' goats of me byehood! I was never cut out +for a goat keeper, Mike. An' me job on th' dump-cart is gone, too. +'Twill be hard times for Fagan.” + +“'Twill be hard times for Toole, too,” said the little alderman, and +they walked on without speaking until Fagan reached his gate. + +“Well, anny how,” he said with cheerful philosophy, “'tis better t' +be us than to be thim dongola water goats--dead or alive. 'Tis not +too often I take a bath, Mike, but if I was wan of thim spongy-hided +dongolas an' had t' be varnished each time I got in me bath tub, I would +stop bathin' for good an' all.” + +He looked toward the house. + +“I'll not worry,” he said. “Maggie will be sad t' hear th' job is gone, +but she would have took it harder t' know her Tim was wastin' his time +varnishin' th' slab side of a spongy goat.” + + + + +II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS + + +On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home at +Westcote very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, like a thief +in the night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In two minutes he was +asleep, and it was no wonder, for by that time it was five minutes after +three in the morning, and Mr. Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock. +Even when he was delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule to +catch the nine o'clock train home. + +When Mrs. Billings awoke the next--or, rather, that same--morning, she +gazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her husband, and was in +the satisfied frame of mind that takes an unexpected train delay as +a legitimate excuse, when she happened to cast her eyes upon Mr. +Billings's coat, which was thrown carelessly over the foot of the bed. +Protruding from one of the side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle, +half full of milk. Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searching +Mr. Billings's other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful. + +In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, such as +ladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of their own, and +these curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, when she dived into +his trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns carefully wrapped in a +lady's handkerchief, with the initials “T. M. C.” embroidered in one +corner. + +All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau drawer and +proceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. Billings, he yawned, +stretched, and then, realizing that getting-up time had arrived, hopped +briskly out of bed. + +“You got in late last night,” said Mrs. Billings pleasantly. + +If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was mistaken. +He continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if he had a clear +conscience. + +“Indeed I did, Mary,” he said. “It was three when I entered the house, +for the clock was just striking.” + +“Something must have delayed you,” suggested Mrs. Billings. + +“Otherwise, dear,” said Mr. Billings, “I should have been home much +sooner. + +“Probably,” said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most sarcastic +tone, as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew out the patent +nursing-bottle, “this had something to do with your being delayed!” + +Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, and then he drew out his +watch and looked at that. + +“My dear,” he said, “you are right. It did. But I now have just time +to gulp down my coffee and catch my train. To-night, when I return from +town, I will tell you the most remarkable story of that nursing-bottle, +and how it happened to be in my pocket, and in the mean time I beg +you--I most sincerely beg you--to feel no uneasiness.” + +With this he hurried out of the room, and a few moments later his wife +saw him running for his train. + +All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most disturbing thoughts, and +as soon as dinner was finished that evening she led the way into the +library. + +“Now, Rollin?” she said, and without hesitation Mr. Billings began. + +I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE + + +You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, the coloured elevator boy in our +office building, and you know what a pleasant, accommodating lad he is. +He is the sort of boy for whom one would gladly do a favour, for he is +always so willing to do favours for others, but I was thinking nothing +of this when I stepped from my office at exactly five o'clock yesterday +evening. I was thinking of nothing but getting home to dinner as soon as +possible, and was just stepping into the elevator when Lemuel laid his +hand gently on my arm. + +“I beg yo' pahdon, Mistah Billings,” he said politely, “but would yo' do +me a favour?” + +“Certainly, Lemuel,” I said; “how much can I lend you?” + +“'Tain't that, sah,” he said. “I wish t' have a word or two in private +with yo'. Would yo' mind steppin' back into yo' office until I git these +folks out of th' buildin', so's I can speak to yo'?” + +I knew I had still half an hour before my six-two train, and I was +not unwilling to do Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my office as he +desired, and waited there until he appeared, which was not until he had +taken all the tenants down in his elevator. Then he opened the door and +came in. With him was the young man I had often seen in the office next +to mine, as I passed, and a young woman on whom I had never set my eyes +before. No sooner had they opened the door than the young man began to +speak, and Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side. + +“Mr. Billings,” said the young man, “you may think it strange that I +should come to you in this way when you and I are hardly acquaintances, +but I have often observed you passing my door, and have noted your +kind-looking face, and the moment I found this trouble upon me I +instantly thought of you as the one man who would be likely to help me +out of my difficulty.” + +While he said this I had time to study his face, and also to glance at +the young woman, and I saw that he must, indeed, be in great trouble. I +also saw that the young woman was pretty and modest and that she, also, +was in great distress. I at once agreed to help him, provided I should +not be made to miss the six-thirty train, for I saw I was already too +late for the six-two. + +“Good!” he cried. “For several years Madge--who is this young lady--and +I have been in love, and we wish to be married this evening, but her +father and my father are waiting at the foot of the elevator at this +minute, and they have been waiting there all day. There is no other way +for us to leave the building, for the foot of the stairs is also the +foot of the elevator, and, in fact, when I last peeped, Madge's father +was sitting on the bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen minutes of +six, and at six o'clock they mean to come up and tear Madge and me away, +and have us married.” + +“To--” I began. + +“To each other,” said the young man with emotion. + +“But I thought that was what you wanted?” I exclaimed. + +“Not at all! Not at all!” said the young man, and the young woman added +her voice in protest, too. “I am the head of the Statistical Department +of the Society for the Obtaining of a Uniform National Divorce Law, and +the work in that department has convinced me beyond a doubt that forced +marriages always end unhappily. In eighty-seven thousand six hundred and +four cases of forced marriages that I have tabulated I have found that +eighty-seven thousand six hundred and three have been unhappy. In the +face of such statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves to be +married against our wills. We insist on marrying voluntarily.” + +“That could be easily arranged,” I ventured to say, “in view of the fact +that both your fathers wish you to be married.” + +“Not at all,” said Madge, with more independence than I had thought her +capable of; “because my father and Henry's father are gentlemen of +the old school. I would not say anything against either father, for in +ordinary affairs I they are two most suave and charming old gentlemen, +but in this they hold to the old-school idea that children should allow +their parents to select their life-partners, and they insist that Henry +and I allow ourselves to be forced to marry each other. And that, +in spite of the statistics Henry has shown them. Our whole happiness +depends on our getting out of this building before they can come up and +get us. That is why we appeal to you.” + +“If you still hesitate, after what Madge has said,” said Henry, pulling +a large roll of paper out of his pocket, “here are the statistics.” + +“Very well,” I said, “I will help you, if I can do so and not miss the +six-thirty train. What is your plan?” + +“It is very simple,” said Henry. “Our fathers are both quite +near-sighted, and as six o'clock draws near they will naturally become +greatly excited and nervous, and, therefore, less observant of small +things. I have brought with me some burnt cork with which I will blacken +my face, and I will change clothes with Lemuel, and, in the one moment +necessary to escape, my father will not recognize me. Lemuel, on +the other hand, will whiten his face with some powder that Madge has +brought, and will wear my clothes, and in the excitement my father will +seize him instead of me.” + +“Excellent,” I said, “but what part do I play in this?” + +“This part,” said Henry, “you will wear, over your street clothes, a +gown that Madge has brought in her suit-case and a hat that she has also +brought, both of which her father will easily recognize, while Madge +will redden her face with rouge, muss her hair, don a torn, calico +dress, and with a scrub-rag and a mop in her hands easily pass for a +scrub-woman. + +“And then?” I asked. + +“Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously down the stairs, as if you +were Madge and I seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as Lemuel and the +scrub-woman, will go down by the elevator. My father and Madge's father +will seize you and Lemuel--” + +“And I shall appear like a fool when they discover I am a respectable +business man rigged up in woman's clothes,” I said. + +“Not at all,” said Madge, “for Henry and I have thought of that. You +must play your part until you see that henry and I have escaped from +the elevator and have left the building, and that is all. I have had the +forethought to prepare an alibi for you. As soon as you see that Henry +and I are safe outside the building, you must become very indignant, and +insist that you are a respectable married woman, and in proof you +must hand my father the contents of this package. He will be convinced +immediately and let you go, and then Lemuel can run you up to your +office and you can take off my dress and hat and catch the six-thirty +train without trouble.” She then handed me a small parcel, which I +slipped into my coat pocket. + +When this had been agreed upon she and Henry left the office and I took +the hat and dress from the suit-case and put them on, while Lemuel put +on Henry's suit and whitened his face. This took but a few minutes, and +we went into the hall and found Henry and Madge already waiting for us. +Henry was blackened into a good likeness of Lemuel, and Madge was quite +a mussy scrub-woman. They immediately entered the elevator and began to +descend slowly, while Lemuel and I crept down the stairs. + +Lemuel and I kept as nearly as possible opposite the elevator, so that +we might arrive at the foot of the stairs but a moment before Madge and +Henry, and we could hear the two fathers shuffling on the street floor, +when suddenly, as we reached the third floor, we heard a whisper from +Henry in the elevator. The elevator had stuck fast between the third and +fourth floors. As with one mind, Lemuel and I seated ourselves on a step +and waited until Henry should get the elevator running again and could +proceed to the street floor. + +For a while we could hear no noise but the grating of metal on metal as +Henry worked with the starting lever of the elevator, and then we heard +the two voices of the fathers. + +“It is a ruse,” said one father. “They are pretending the elevator is +stuck, and when we grow impatient and start up the stairs they will come +down with a rush and escape us.” + +“But we are not so silly as that,” said the other father. “We will stay +right here and wait until they come down.” + +At that Lemuel and I settled ourselves more comfortably, for there was +nothing else to do. I cursed inwardly as I felt the minutes slip by and +knew that half-past six had come and gone, but I was sure you would not +like to have me desert those two poor lovers who were fighting to ward +off the statistics, so I sat still and silent. So did Lemuel. + +I do not know how long I sat there, for it was already dark in the +narrow stairway, but it must have been a long time. I drowsed off, and +I was finally awakened by Lemuel tugging at my sleeve, and I knew that +Henry had managed to start the elevator again. Lemuel and I hastened our +steps, and just as the elevator was coming into sight below the second +floor we were seen by the two fathers. For an instant they hesitated, +and then they seized us. At the same time the elevator door opened and +Henry and Madge came out, and the two fathers hardly glanced at them as +they went out of the door into the street. + +As soon as I saw that they were safe I feigned great indignation, and so +did Lemuel. + +“Unhand me, sir!” I cried. “Who do you think I am? I am a respectable +married lady, leaving the building with her husband. Unhand me!” + +Instead of doing so, however, the father that had me by the arm drew me +nearer to the hall light. As he did so he stared closely at my face. + +“Morgan,” he said to the other father, “this is not my daughter. My +daughter did not have a moustache.” + +“Indeed, I am not your daughter,” I said; “I am a respectable married +lady, and here is the proof.” + +With that I reached for the package Madge had given me, but it was in my +coat-pocket, underneath the dress I had on, and it was only with great +difficulty and by raising one side of the skirt that I was able to get +it. I unwrapped it and showed it to the father that had me by the arm. +It was the patent nursing-bottle. + +When Mr. Billings had finished his relation his wife sat for a moment in +silence. Then she said: + +“And he let you go?” + +“Yes, of course,” said Mr. Billings; “he could not hold me after such +proof as that, and Lemuel ran me up to my office, where I changed my +hat and took off the dress. I knew it was late, and I did not know +what train I could catch, but I made haste, and, on the way down in the +elevator, I felt in my pocket to see if I had my commutation ticket, +when my hand struck the patent nursing-bottle. My first impulse was to +drop it in the car, but on second thought I decided to keep it, for +I knew that when you saw it and heard the story you would understand +perfectly why I was detained last night.” + +“Yes?” said Mrs. Billings questioningly. “But, my dear, all that does +not account for these.” + +As she said that she drew from her workbasket the three auburn-red +curls. + +“Oh, those!” said Mr. Billings, after a momentary hesitation. “I was +about to tell you about those.” + +“Do so!” said Mrs. Billings coldly. “I am listening.” + +II. THE THREE AUBURN-RED CURLS + + +When I went down in the elevator (said Mr. Billings) with the +nursing-bottle in my pocket, I had no thought but to get to the train +as soon as possible, for I saw by the clock in my office that I had just +time to catch the eleven-nine if I should not be delayed. Therefore, as +soon as I was outside the building I started to run, but when I reached +the corner and was just about to step on a passing street-car a hand was +laid on my arm, and I turned to see who was seeking to detain me. It was +a woman in the most pitiable rags, and on her arm she carried a baby so +thin and pale that I could scarcely believe it lived. + +One glance at the child showed me that it was on the verge of death +by starvation, and this was confirmed by the moans of the mother, who +begged me for humanity's sake to give her money with which to provide +food for the child, even though I let her, herself, starve. You know, +my dear, you never allow me to give money to street beggars, and +I remembered this, but at the same time I remembered the patent +nursing-bottle I still carried in my pocket. + +Without hesitation I drew the patent nursing-bottle from my pocket and +told the mother to allow the infant to have a sufficient quantity of +milk it contained to sustain the child's life until she could procure +other alms or other aid. With a cry of joy the mother took the +nursing-bottle and pressed it to the poor baby's lips, and it was with +great pleasure I saw the rosy colour return to the child's cheeks. The +sadness of despair that had shadowed the mother's face also fled, and +I could see that already she was looking on life with a more optimistic +view. + +I verily believe the child could have absorbed the entire contents of +the bottle, but I had impressed upon the mother that she was to give the +child only sufficient to sustain life, not to suffice it until it was +grown to manhood or womanhood, and when the bottle was half-emptied the +mother returned it to me. How much time all this occupied I do not know, +but the child took the milk with extreme slowness. I may say that it +took the milk drop by drop. A great deal of time must have elapsed. + +But when the mother had returned the patent nursing-bottle to me and saw +how impatient I was to be gone, she still retained her hold upon my arm. + +“Sir,” she said, “you have undoubtedly saved the life of my child, and +I only regret that I cannot repay you for all it means to me. But I +cannot. Stay!” she cried, when I was about to pull my arm away. “Has +your wife auburn-red hair?” + +“No,” I said, “she has not, her hair is a most beautiful black.” + +“No matter,” said the poor woman, putting her hand to her head. “Some +day she may wish to change the colour of her hair to auburn-red, which +is easily done with a little bleach and a little dye, and should she do +so these may come handy;” and with that she slipped something soft and +fluffy into my hand and fled into the night. When I looked, I saw in my +hand the very curls you hold there. My first impulse was to drop them in +the street, but I remembered that the poor woman had not given them to +me, but to you, and that it was my duty to bring them home to you, so I +slipped them into my pocket. + + +When Mr. Billings had ended this recital of what had happened to him his +wife said: + +“Huh!” + +At the same time she tossed the curls into the grate, where they +shrivelled up, burst into blue smoke, and shortly disappeared in ashes. + +“That is a very likely story,” she said, “but it does not explain how +this came to be in your pocket.” + + +Saying this she drew from her basket the handkerchief and handed it to +Mr. Billings. + +“Hah!” he exclaimed. For a moment he turned the rolled-up handkerchief +over and over, and then he cautiously opened it. At the sight of the +twelve acorns he seemed somewhat surprised, and when the initials “T. M. +C.” on the corner of the handkerchief caught his eye he blushed. + +“You are blushing--you are disturbed,” said Mrs. Billings severely. + +“I am,” said Mr. Billings, suddenly recovering himself; “and no wonder.” + +“And no wonder, indeed!” said Mrs Billings. “Perhaps, then, you can tell +me how those acorns and that handkerchief came to be in your pocket.” + +“I can,” said Mr. Billings, “and I will.” + +“You had better,” said Mrs. Billings. + +III. THE TWELVE ACORNS AND THE LADY'S HANDKERCHIEF + + +You may have noticed, my dear (said Mr. Billings), that the initials on +that handkerchief are “T. M. C.,” and I wish you to keep that in mind, +for it has a great deal to do with this story. Had they been anything +else that handkerchief would not have found its way into my pocket; and +when you see how those acorns and that handkerchief, and the half-filled +nursing-bottle and the auburn-red curls all combined to keep me out of +my home until the unearthly hour of three A. M., you will forget the +unjust suspicions which I too sadly fear you now hold against me, and +you will admit that a half-filled patent nursing-bottle, a trio of +curls, a lady's handkerchief and twelve acorns were the most natural +things in the world to find in my pockets. + +When I had left the poor woman with her no-longer-starving baby I +hurriedly glanced into a store window, and by the clock there saw it +was twenty minutes of one and that I had exactly time to catch the one +o'clock train, which is the last train that runs to Westcote. I glanced +up and down the street, but not a car was in sight, and I knew I could +not afford to wait long if I wished to catch that train. There was but +one thing to do, and that was to take a cab, and, as luck would have +it, at that moment an automobile cab came rapidly around the corner. I +raised my voice and my arm, and the driver saw or heard me, for he made +a quick turn in the street and drew up at the curb beside me. I hastily +gave him the directions, jumped in and slammed the door shut, and the +auto-cab immediately started forward at what seemed to me unsafe speed. + +We had not gone far when something in the fore part of the automobile +began to thump in a most alarming manner, and the driver slackened his +speed, drew up to the curb and stopped. He opened the door and put his +head in. + +“Something's gone wrong,” he said, “but don't you worry. I'll have it +fixed in no time, and then I can put on more speed and I'll get you +there in just the same time as if nothing had happened.” + +When he said this I was perfectly satisfied, for he was a nice-looking +man, and I lay back, for I was quite tired out, it was so long past my +usual bedtime; and the driver went to work, doing things I could not +understand to the fore part of the automobile, where the machinery is. +I remember thinking that the cushions of this automobile were unusually +soft, and then I must have dozed off, and when I opened my eyes I did +not know how much time had elapsed, but the driver was still at work +and I could hear him swearing. He seemed to be having a great deal of +trouble, so I got out of the automobile, intending to tell him that +perhaps I had better try to get a car, after all. But his actions when +he saw me were most unexpected. He waved the wrench he held in his hand, +and ordered me to get back into the automobile, and I did. I supposed +he was afraid he would lose his fare and tip, but in a few minutes he +opened the door again and spoke to me. + +“Now, sport,” he said, “there ain't no use thinkin' about gettin' that +train, because it's gone, and I may as well say now that you've got to +come with me, unless you want me to smash your head in. The fact is, +this ain't no public automobile, and I hadn't no right to take you for +a passenger. This automobile belongs to a lady and I'm her hired +chauffeur, and she's at a bridge-whist party in a house on Fifth Avenue, +and I'm supposed to be waiting outside that house. One-fifteen o'clock +was the time she said she would be out. But I thought maybe I might make +a dollar or two for myself instead of waiting there all that time, and +she would never know it. And now it is nearly two o'clock, and if I +go back alone she will be raving mad, and I'll get my discharge and no +references, and my poor wife and six children will have to starve. So +you will have to go with me and explain how it was that I wasn't there +at one-fifteen o'clock.” + +“My friend,” I said, “I am sorry for you, but I do not see how it would +help you, should I refuse to go and you should, as you say, smash my +head in.” + +“Don't you worry none about that,” he said. “If I smashed your head in, +as I could do easy enough with this wrench, I'd take what was left of +you up some dark street, and lay you on the pavement and run the machine +across you once or twice, and then take you to a hospital, and that +would be excuse enough. You'd be another 'Killed by an Automobile,' and +I'd be the hero that picked you up and took you to the hospital.” + +“Well,” I said, “under the circumstances I shall go with you, not +because you threaten me, but because your poor wife and six children are +threatened with starvation.” + +“Good!” he said. “And now all you have to do is to think of what the +excuse you will give my lady boss will be.” + +With that he lay back against the cushions and waited. He seemed to feel +that the matter did not concern him any more, and that the rest of it +lay with me. + +“Go ahead!” I said to him. “I have no idea what I shall tell your +mistress, but since I have lost the last train I must try to catch the +two o'clock trolley car to Westeote, and I do not wish to spend any more +time than necessary on this business. Make all the haste possible, and +as we go I shall think what I will say when we get there.” + +The driver got out and took his seat and started the car. I was worried, +indeed, my dear. I tried to think of something plausible to tell the +young man's employer; something that would have an air of self-proof, +when suddenly I remembered the half-filled nursing-bottle and the three +auburn-red curls. Why should I not tell the lady that a poor mother, +while proceeding down Fifth Avenue from her scrub-woman job, had been +taken suddenly ill, and that I, being near, had insisted that this +automobile help me convey the woman to her home, which we found, alas! +to be in the farthest districts of Brooklyn? Then I would produce the +three auburn-red curls and the half-filled nursing-bottle as having been +left in the automobile by the woman, and this proof would suffice. + +I had fully decided on this when the automobile stopped in front of a +large house in Fifth Avenue, and I had time to tell the driver that +I had thought of the proper thing to say, but that was all, for the +waiting lady came down the steps in great anger, and was about to begin +a good scolding, when she noticed me sitting in her automobile. + +If she had been angry before she was now furious, and she was the kind +of young woman who can be extremely furious when she tries. I think +nothing in the world could have calmed her had she not caught sight of +my face by the light of two strong lamps on a passing automobile. She +saw in my face what you see there now, my dear--the benevolent, fatherly +face of a settled-down, trustworthy, married man of past middle age--and +as if by magic her anger fled and she burst into tears. + +“Oh, sir!” she cried, “I do not know who you are, nor how you happen +to be in my car, but at this moment I am homeless and friendless. I am +alone in the world, and I need advice. Let me get into the car beside +you--” + +“Miss,” I said, “I do not like to disoblige you, but I can never allow +myself to be in an automobile at this time of night with a strange +woman, unchaperoned.” + +These words seemed almost more than she could bear, and my heart was +full of pity, but, just as I was about to spring from the automobile and +rush away, I saw on the walk the poor woman to whose baby I had given +the half of the contents of the patent nursing-bottle. I called her and +made her get into the automobile, and then I let the young woman enter. + +“Now,” I said, “where to?” + +“That,” she said, “is what I do not know. When I left my home this +evening I left it forever, and I left a note of farewell to my father, +which he must have received and read by this time, and if I went back he +would turn me from the door in anger, for he is a gentleman of the old +school.” + +When I heard these words I was startled. “Can it be,” I asked, “that you +have a brother henry?” + +“I have,” she admitted; “Henry Corwin is his name.” This was the name of +the young man I had helped that very evening to marry Madge. I told her +to proceed. + +“My father,” she said, “has been insisting that I marry a man I do not +love, and things have come to such a point that I must either accede or +take things into my own hands. I agreed to elope this evening with the +man I love, for he had long wished me to elope with him. I was to meet +him outside his house at exactly one-fifteen o'clock, and I told him +that if I was not there promptly he might know I had changed my mind. +When the time came for me to hasten to him in my automobile, which was +then to hurry us to a waiting minister, my automobile was not here. +Unfortunately I did not know my lover's address, for I had left it in +the card pocket in this automobile. I knew not what to do. As the time +passed and my automobile did not appear I knew that my lover had decided +that I was not coming, and had gone away into his house. Now I cannot go +home, for I have no home. I cannot so lower my pride as to ring the bell +of his house and say I wish to be forgiven and married even yet. What +shall I do?” + +For answer I felt in the card pocket of the automobile and drew out the +address of her lover, and without hesitation I gave the address to the +chauffeur. In a few minutes we were there. Leaving the young woman in +the car with the poor woman, I got out and surveyed the house. It was +unpromising. Evidently all the family but the young man were away for +the summer, and the doors and windows were all boarded up. There was not +a bell to ring. I pounded on the boards that covered the door, but it +was unavailing. The young woman called to me that the young man lived +in the front room of the topmost floor, and could not hear me, and I +glanced up and saw that one window alone of all those in the house was +not boarded up. Instantly I hopped upon the seat beside the driver and +said, “Central Park.” + +We dashed up Fifth Avenue and into the Park at full speed, and when we +were what I considered far enough in I ordered him to stop, and hurrying +up a low bank I began to grope among the leaves of last year under +the trees. I was right. In a few minutes I had filled my pockets with +acorns, was back in the car, and we were hurrying toward the house +of the lover, when I saw standing on a corner a figure I instantly +recognized as Lemuel, the elevator boy, and at the same time I +remembered that Lemuel spent his holidays pitching for a ball nine, He +was just the man I needed, and I stopped and made him get into the car. +In a minute more we were before the house again, and I handed Lemuel +a fistful of acorns. He drew back and threw them with all his strength +toward the upper window. + +My dear, will you believe it? Those acorns were wormy! They were light. +They would not carry to the window, but scattered like bits of chips +when they had travelled but half-way. I was upset, but Lemuel was not. +He ordered the chauffeur to drive to lower Sixth Avenue with all speed, +in order that he might get a baseball. With this he said he could +hit any mark, and we had started in that direction when, passing a +restaurant on Broadway, I saw emerge Henry and Madge. + +“Better far,” I said to myself, “put this young woman in charge of her +brother and his new wife than leave her to elope alone,” and I made the +chauffeur draw up beside them. Hastily I explained the situation, and +where we were going at that moment, and Henry and Madge laughed in +unison. + +“Madge,” said Henry, “we had no trouble making wormy acorns travel +through the air, had we?” And both laughed again. At this I made them +get into the automobile, and while we returned to the lover's house +I made them explain. It was very simple, and I had just tied a dozen +acorns tightly in my handkerchief, making a ball to throw at the window, +when the poor woman with the baby noticed that the window was partly +open. I asked Lemuel if he could throw straight enough to throw the +handkerchief-ball into the window, and he said he could, and took +the handkerchief, but a brighter idea came to me, and I turned to the +eloping young lady. + +“Let me have your handkerchief, if it has your initials on it,” I said; +“for when he sees that fall into his room he will know you are here. He +will not think you are forward, coming to him alone, for he will know +you could never have thrown the handkerchief, even if loaded with +acorns, to such a height. It will be your message to him.” + +At this, which I do pride myself was a suggestion worthy of myself, +all were delighted, and while I modestly tied twelve acorns in the +handkerchief on which were the initials “T. M. C.,” all the others +cheered. Even the woman from whom I had received the three auburn-red +curls cheered, and the baby that was half-filled out of the patent +nursing-bottle crowed with joy. But the chauffeur honked his honker. +Lemuel took the handkerchief full of acorns in his hand and drew back +his famous left arm, when suddenly Theodora Mitchell Corwin--for that +was the eloping young lady's name--shrieked, and looking up we saw her +lover at the window. He gave an answering yell and disappeared, and +Lemuel let his left arm fall and handed me the handkerchief-ball. + +In the excitement I dropped it into my pocket, and it was not until I +was on the car for Westcote that I discovered it, and then, not wishing +to be any later in getting home, I did not go back to give it to +Theodora Mitchell Corwin; in fact, I did not know where she had eloped +to. Nor could I give it to Madge or Henry, for they had gone on their +wedding journey as soon as they saw Theodora and her lover safely +eloped. + +I had no right to give it to the poor woman with the baby, even if +she had not immediately disappeared into her world of poverty, and it +certainly did not belong to Lemuel, nor could I have given it to him, +for he took the ten dollars the lover gave him and stayed out so late +that he was late to work this morning and was discharged. He said he was +going back to Texas. So I brought the handkerchief and the twelve acorns +home, knowing you would be interested in hearing their story. + +When Mr. Billings had thus finished his relation of the happenings of +his long evening, Mrs. Billings was thoughtful for a minute. Then she +said: + +“But Rollin, when I spoke to you of the handkerchief and the twelve +acorns you blushed, and said you had reason to blush. I see nothing in +this kind action you did to cause a blush.” + +“I blushed,” said Mr. Billings, “to think of the lie I was going to tell +Theodora Merrill Corwin--” + +“I thought you said her name was Theodora Mitchell Corwin,” said Mrs. +Billings. + +“Mitchell or Merill,” said Mr. Billings. “I cannot remember exactly +which.” + +For several minutes Mrs. Billings was silent. Occasionally she would +open her mouth as if to ask a question, but each time she closed it +again without speaking. Mr. Billings sat regarding his wife with what, +in a man of less clear conscience, might be called anxiety. At length +Mrs. Billings put her sewing into her sewing-basket and arose. + +“Rollin,” she said, “I have enjoyed hearing you tell your experiences +greatly. I can say but one thing: Never in your life have you deceived +me. And you have not deceived me now.” + +For half an hour after this Mr. Billings sat alone, thinking. + + + + +III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + +When our new suburban house was completed I took Sarah out to see it, +and she liked it all but the stairs. + +“Edgar,” she said, when she had ascended to the second floor, “I don't +know whether it is imagination or not, but it seems to me that these +stairs are funny, some way. I can't understand it. They are not a long +flight, and they are not unusually steep, but they seem to be unusually +wearying. I never knew a short flight to tire me so, and I have climbed +many flights in the six years we have lived in flats.” + +“Perhaps, Sarah,” I said, with mild dissimulation, “you are unusually +tired to-day.” + +The fact was that I had planned those stairs myself, and for a +particular reason I had made the rise of each step three inches more +than the customary height, and in this way I had saved two steps. I had +also made the tread of the steps unusually narrow; and the reason was +that I had found, from long experience, that stair carpet wears first on +the tread of the steps, where the foot falls. By making the steps tall +enough to save two, and by making the tread narrow, I reduced the wear +on the carpet to a minimum. I believe in economy where it is possible. +For the same reason I had the stair banisters made wide, with a +saddle-like top to the newel post, to tempt my son and daughter to slide +downstairs. The less they used the stairs the longer the carpet would +last. + +I need hardly say that Sarah has a fear of burglars; most women have. As +for myself, I prefer not to meet a burglar. It is all very well to get +up in the night and prowl about with a pistol in one hand, seeking to +eliminate the life of a burglar, and some men may like it; but I am of +a very excitable nature, and I am sure that if I did find a burglar and +succeeded in shooting him, I should be in such an excited state that +I could not sleep again that night--and no man can afford to lose his +night's rest. + +There are other objections to shooting a burglar in the house, and these +objections apply with double force when the house and its furnishings +are entirely new. Although some of the rugs in our house were red, not +all of them were; and I had no guarantee that if I shot a burglar +he would lie down on a red rug to bleed to death. A burglar does not +consider one's feelings, and would be quite as apt to bleed on a green +rug, and spoil it, as not. Until burglarizing is properly regulated and +burglars are educated, as they should be, in technical burglary schools, +we cannot hope that a shot burglar will staunch his wound until he can +find a red rug to lie down on. + +And there are still other objections to shooting a burglar. If all +burglars were fat, one of these would be removed; but perhaps a thin +burglar might get in front of my revolver, and in that case the bullet +would be likely to go right through him and continue on its way, and +perhaps break a mirror or a cut-glass dish. I am a thin man myself, and +if a burglar shot at me he might damage things in the same way. + +I thought all these things over when we decided to build in the suburbs, +for Sarah is very nervous about burglars, and makes me get up at the +slightest noise and go poking about. Only the fact that no burglar had +ever entered our flat at night had prevented what might have been a +serious accident to a burglar, for I made it a rule, when Sarah wakened +me on such occasions, to waste no time, but to go through the rooms as +hastily as possible and get back to bed; and at the speed I travelled I +might have bumped into a burglar in the dark and knocked him over, and +his head might have struck some hard object, causing concussion of the +brain; and as a burglar has a small brain a small amount of concussion +might have ruined it entirely. But as I am a slight man it might have +been my brain that got concussed. A father of a family has to think of +these things. + +The nervousness of Sarah regarding burglars had led me in this way to +study the subject carefully, and my adoption of jet-black pajamas as +nightwear was not due to cowardice on my part. I properly reasoned that +if a burglar tried to shoot me while I was rushing around the house +after him in the darkness, a suit of black pajamas would somewhat spoil +his aim, and, not being able to see me, he would not shoot at all. +In this way I should save Sarah the nerve shock that would follow the +explosion of a pistol in the house. For Sarah was very much more afraid +of pistols than of burglars. I am sure there were only two reasons why +I had never killed a burglar with a pistol: one was that no burglar had +ever entered our flat, and the other was that I never had a pistol. + +But I knew that one is much less protected in a suburb than in town, +and when I decided to build I studied the burglar protection matter most +carefully. I said nothing to Sarah about it, for fear it would upset her +nerves, but for months I considered every method that seemed to have +any merit, and that would avoid getting a burglar's blood--or +mine--spattered around on our new furnishings. I desired some method by +which I could finish up a burglar properly without having to leave my +bed, for although Sarah is brave enough in sending me out of bed to +catch a burglar, I knew she must suffer severe nerve strain during the +time I was wandering about in the dark. Her objection to explosives had +also to be considered, and I really had to exercise my brain more than +common before I hit upon what I may now consider the only perfect method +of handling burglars. + +Several things coincided to suggest my method. One of these was Sarah's +foolish notion that our silver must, every night, be brought from +the dining-room and deposited under our bed. This I considered a most +foolhardy tempting of fate. It coaxed any burglar who ordinarily would +have quietly taken the silver from the dining-room and have then gone +away peacefully, to enter our room. The knowledge that I lay in bed +ready at any time to spring out upon him would make him prepare his +revolver, and his nervousness might make him shoot me, which would quite +upset Sarah's nerves. I told Sarah so, but she had a hereditary instinct +for bringing the silver to the bedroom, and insisted. I saw that in +the suburban house this, would be continued as “bringing the silver +upstairs,” and a trial of my carpet-saving stairs suggested to me my +burglar-defeating plan. I had the apparatus built into the house, and I +had the house planned to agree with the apparatus. + +For several months after we moved into the house I had no burglars, but +I felt no fear of them in any event. I was prepared for them. + +In order not to make Sarah nervous, I explained to her that my invention +of a silver-elevator was merely a time-saving device. From the top of +the dining-room sideboard I ran upright tracks through the ceiling to +the back of the hall above, and in these I placed a glass case, which +could be run up and down the tracks like a dumbwaiter. All our servant +had to do when she had washed the silver was to put it in the glass +case, and I had attached to the top of the case a stout steel cable +which ran to the ceiling of the hall above, over a pulley, and so to our +bedroom, which was at the front of the hall upstairs. By this means I +could, when I was in bed, pull the cable, and the glass case of silver +would rise to the second floor. Our bedroom door opened upon the hall, +and from the bed I could see the glass case; but in order that I might +be sure that the silver was there I put a small electric light in +the case and kept it burning all night. Sarah was delighted with this +arrangement, for in the morning all I had to do was to pay out the steel +cable and the silver would descend to the dining-room, and the maid +could have the table all set by the time breakfast was ready. Not once +did Sarah have a suspicion that all this was not merely a household +economy, but my burglar trap. + +On the sixth of August, at two o'clock in the morning, Sarah awakened +me, and I immediately sat straight up in bed. There was an undoubtable +noise of sawing, and I knew at once that a burglar was entering our +home. Sarah was trembling, and I knew she was getting nervous, but I +ordered her to remain calm. + +“Sarah,” I said, in a whisper, “be calm! There is not the least danger. +I have been expecting this for some time, and I only hope the burglar +has no dependent family or poor old mother to support. Whatever happens, +be calm and keep perfectly quiet.” + +With that I released the steel cable from the head of my bed and let the +glass case full of silver slide noiselessly to the sideboard. + +“Edgar!” whispered Sarah in agonized tones, “are you giving him our +silver?” + +“Sarah!” I whispered sternly, “remember what I have just said. Be calm +and keep perfectly quiet.” And I would say no more. + +In a very short time I heard the window below us open softly, and I +knew the burglar was entering the parlour from the side porch. I counted +twenty, which I had figured would be the time required for him to reach +the dining-room, and then, when I was sure he must have seen the silver +shining in the glass case, I slowly pulled on the steel cable and raised +case and silver to the hall above. Sarah began to whisper to me, but I +silenced her. + +What I had expected happened. The burglar, seeing the silver rise +through the ceiling, left the dining-room and went into the hall. There, +from the foot of the stairs, he could see the case glowing in the hall +above, and without hesitation he mounted the stairs. As he reached the +top I had a good view of him, for he was silhouetted against the light +that glowed from the silver case. He was a most brutal looking fellow +of the prize-fighting type, but I almost laughed aloud when I saw his +build. He was short and chunky. As he stepped forward to grasp the +silver case, I let the steel cable run through my fingers, and the case +and its precious contents slid noiselessly down to the dining-room. For +only one instant the burglar seemed disconcerted, then he turned and ran +downstairs again. + +This time I did not wait so long to draw up the silver. I hardly gave +him time to reach the dining-room door before I jerked the cable, and +the case was glowing in the upper hall. The burglar immediately stopped, +turned, and mounted the stairs, but just as he reached the top I let the +silver slide down again, and he had to turn and descend. Hardly had he +reached the bottom step before I had the silver once more in the upper +hall. + +The burglar was a gritty fellow and was not to be so easily defeated. +With some word which I could not catch, but which I have no doubt was +profane, or at least vulgar, he dashed up the stairs, and just as his +hand touched the case I let the silver drop to the dining-room. I smiled +as I saw his next move. He carefully removed his coat and vest, rolled +up his sleeves, and took off his collar. This evidently meant that he +intended to get the silver if it took the whole night, and nothing could +have pleased me more. I lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking with +suppressed laughter, and had to stuff a corner of a pillow in my mouth +to smother the sound of my mirth. I did not allow the least pity for the +unfortunate fellow to weaken my nerve. + +A low, long screech from the hall told me that I had a man of uncommon +brain to contend with, for I knew the sound came from his hands drawing +along the banister, and that to husband his strength and to save time, +he was sliding down. But this did not disconcert me. It pleased me. The +quicker he went down, the oftener he would have to walk up. + +For half an hour I played with him, giving him just time to get down +to the foot of the stairs before I raised the silver, and just time +to reach the top before I lowered it, and then I grew tired of the +sport--for it was nothing else to me--and decided to finish him off. I +was getting sleepy, but it was evident that the burglar was not, and +I was a little afraid I might fall asleep and thus defeat myself. The +burglar had that advantage because he was used to night work. So I +quickened my movements a little. When the burglar slid down I gave +him just time to see the silver rise through the ceiling, and when he +climbed the stairs I only allowed him to see it descend through the +floor. In this way I made him double his pace, and as I quickened my +movements I soon had him dashing up the stairs and sliding down again +as if for a wager. I did not give him a moment for rest, and he was soon +panting terribly and beginning to stumble; but with almost superhuman +nerve he kept up the chase. He was an unusually tough burglar. + +But quick as he was I was always quicker, and a glimpse of the glowing +case was all I let him have at either end of his climb or slide. No +sooner was he down than it was up, and no sooner was the case up than +he was up after it. In this way I kept increasing his speed until it was +something terrific, and the whole house shook, like an automobile with +a very powerful motor. But still his speed increased. I saw then that +I had brought him to the place I had prepared for, where he had but one +object in life, and that was to beat the case up or down stairs; and as +I was now so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did what I had +intended to do from the first. I lowered the case until it was exactly +between the ceiling of the dining-room and the floor of the hall +above--and turned out the electric light. I then tied the steel cable +securely to the head of my bed, turned over, and went to sleep, lulled +by the shaking of the house as the burglar dashed up and down the +stairs. + +Just how long this continued I do not know, for my sleep was deep and +dreamless, but I should judge that the burglar ran himself to death +sometime between half-past three and a quarter after four. So great had +been his efforts that when I went to remove him I did not recognize him +at all. When I had seen him last in the glow of the glass silver case +he had been a stout, chunky fellow, and now his remains were those of +an emaciated man. He must have run off one hundred and twenty pounds of +flesh before he gave out. + +Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our silver consisted of but half a +dozen each of knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, and a sugar +spoon, all plated, and worth probably five dollars, and to save this +I had made the burglar wear to rags a Wilton stair carpet worth +twenty-nine dollars. But I have now corrected this. I have bought fifty +dollars worth of silver. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Water Goats and Other Troubles, by +Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES *** + +***** This file should be named 1285-0.txt or 1285-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/1285/ + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/1285-0.zip b/old/1285-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..558253e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1285-0.zip diff --git a/old/1285-h.zip b/old/1285-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d47214 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1285-h.zip diff --git a/old/1285-h/1285-h.htm b/old/1285-h/1285-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d570ac8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1285-h/1285-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2439 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Water Goats and Other Troubles, by Ellis Parker Butler + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Water Goats and Other Troubles, by +Ellis Parker Butler + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Water Goats and Other Troubles + +Author: Ellis Parker Butler + +Release Date: September 17, 2008 [EBook #1285] +Last Updated: March 11, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES *** + + + + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Ellis Parker Butler + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + By The Same Author + </h4> + <h5> + Pigs is Pigs<br /><br /> The Great American Pie Company<br /><br /> Mike + Flannery On Duty and off<br /><br /> The Thin Santa Claus<br /><br /> That + Pup, Kilo, etc. + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + Contents + </h3> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <b>THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES</b> + </a> + </p> + <br /> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> I. THE WATER GOATS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> +<p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + I. THE WATER GOATS + </h2> + <p> + “And then,” said the landscape gardener, combing his silky, pointed beard + gently with his long, artistic fingers, “in the lake you might have a + couple of gondolas. Two would be sufficient for a lake of this size; amply + sufficient. Yes,” he said firmly, “I would certainly advise gondolas. They + look well, and the children like to ride on them. And so do the adults. I + would have two gondolas in the lake.” + </p> + <p> + Mayor Dugan and the City Council, meeting as a committee of the whole to + receive the report of the landscape gardener and his plan for the new + public park, nodded their heads sagely. + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Mayor Dugan. “We want two of thim—of thim gon—thim + gon—” + </p> + <p> + “Gondolas,” said the landscape gardener. “Sure!” said Mayor Dugan, “we + want two of thim. Remimber th' gondolas, Toole.” + </p> + <p> + “I have thim fast in me mind,” said Toole. “I will not let thim git away, + Dugan.” + </p> + <p> + The landscape gardener stood a minute in deep thought, looking at the + ceiling. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that is all!” he said. “My report, and the plan, and what I have + mentioned, will be all you need.” + </p> + <p> + Then he shook hands with the mayor and with all the city councilmen and + left Jeffersonville forever, going back to New York where landscape + gardeners grow, and the doors were opened and the committee of the whole + became once more the regular meeting of the City Council. + </p> + <p> + The appropriation for the new park was rushed through in twenty minutes, + passing the second and third readings by the reading of the title under a + suspension of the by-laws, and being unanimously adopted. It was a matter + of life and death with Mayor Dugan and his ring. Jeffersonville was + getting tired of the joyful grafters, and murmurs of discontent were + concentrating into threats of a reform party to turn the cheerful rascals + out. The new park was to be a sop thrown to the populace—something + to make the city proud of itself and grateful to its mayor and council. It + was more than a pet scheme of Mayor Dugan, it was a lifeboat for the ring. + In half an hour the committees had been appointed, and the mayor turned to + the regular business. Then from his seat at the left of the last row + little Alderman Toole arose. + </p> + <p> + “Misther Mayor,” he said, “how about thim—thim don—thim don—Golas!” + whispered Alderman Grevemeyer hoarsely, “dongolas.” + </p> + <p> + “How about thim dongolas, Misther Mayor?” asked Alderman Toole. + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said the mayor. “Will annyone move that we git two dongolas t' put + in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on? Will annyone move that Alderman Toole + be a conmittee of wan t' git two dongolas t' put in th' lake?” + </p> + <p> + “I make dot motions,” said Alderman Greveneyer, half raising his great + bulk from his seat and sinking back with a grunt. + </p> + <p> + “Sicond th' motion,” said Alderman Toole. + </p> + <p> + “Moved and siconded,” said the mayor, “that Alderman Toole be a committee + t' buy two dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on. Ye have + heard th' motion.” + </p> + <p> + The motion was unanimously carried. That was the kind of City Council + Mayor Dugan had chosen. + </p> + <p> + When little Alderman Toole dropped into Casey's saloon that night on his + way home he did not slip meekly to the far end of the bar, as he usually + did. For the first time in his aldermanic career he had been put on a + committee where he would really have something to do, and he felt the + honour. He boldly took a place between the big mayor and Alderman + Grevemeyer, and said: “One of th' same, Casey,” with the air of a man who + has matters of importance on his mind. He felt that things were coming his + way. Even the big mayor seemed to appreciate it, for he put his hand + affectionately on Toole's shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” said the mayor, “about thim dongolas, now; have ye thought anny + about where ye would be gettin' thim?” + </p> + <p> + “I have not,” said Toole. “I was thinkin' 'twould be good t' think it over + a bit, Dugan. Mebby 'twould be best t' git thim at Chicagy.” He looked + anxiously at the mayor's face, hoping for some sign of approval or + disapproval, but the mayor's face was noncommittal. “But mebby it + wouldn't,” concluded Toole. As a feeler he added: “Would ye be wantin' me + t' have thim made here, Dugan?” + </p> + <p> + The big mayor patted Toole on the shoulder indulgently. + </p> + <p> + “It's up t' you, Mike,” he said. “Ye know th' way Dugan does things, an' + th' way he likes thim done. I trust thim that I kin trust, an' whin I put + a man on committee I'm done wid th' thing. Of coorse,” he added, putting + his mouth close to Toole's ear, and winking at Grevemeyer, “ye will see + that there is a rake-off for me an' th' byes.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Toole. + </p> + <p> + The big mayor turned back to the bar and took a drink from his glass. + Grevemeyer took a drink from his glass, also. So did Toole, gravely. Dugan + wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and turned to Toole again. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” he said, “what do ye think? Mebby 'twould do as well t' git a + couple of sicond-hand dongolas an' have thim painted up. If they was in + purty good shape no wan would know th' difference, an' 'twould make a bit + more rake-off fer th' byes, mebby.” + </p> + <p> + “Th' same word was on th' ind o' me tongue, Dugan,” said Toole, nodding + his head slowly. “I was considerin' this very minute where I could lay me + hand on a couple of purty good dongolas that has not been used much. + Flannagan could paint thim up fine!” + </p> + <p> + “Or Stoltzenau could do such paintings,” interposed Grevemeyer. + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” agreed the big mayor. He toyed with his glass a moment. “Mike,” he + said suddenly, “what th' divil is a dongola, anyhow?” + </p> + <p> + Mike Toole was just raising his glass to his lips with the movements of + one accustomed to hold conversation with the mayor. His left hand rested + on his hip, with his arm akimbo, and his hat was tipped carelessly to the + back of his head. The hand raising his glass stopped short where it was + when he heard the mayor's question. He frowned at the glass—scowled + at it angrily. + </p> + <p> + “A dongola, Dugan”—he said slowly, and stopped. “A dongola”—he + repeated. “A dongola—did ye ask me what a dongola might be, Dugan?” + </p> + <p> + The big mayor nodded, and Grevemeyer leaned forward to catch the answer. + Casey, too, leaned on his bar and listened. Alderman Toole raised his + glass to his lips and filled his mouth with the liquor. Instantly he + dashed the glass furiously to the floor. He jerked off his hat and cast it + into a far corner and pulled off his coat, throwing it after his hat. He + was climbing on to the bar when the big mayor and Grevemeyer laid their + hands on the little man and held him tightly. The big mayor shook him once + and set him on the floor. + </p> + <p> + “Mike!” said the big mayor. “What's th' matter wid ye? What are ye goin' + afther Casey that way for? Is it crazy ye are? Or have ye gone insane?” + </p> + <p> + “Knock-out drops!” shouted Toole, shaking his fist at Casey, who looked + down at him in astonishment. “Knock-out drops! I will have th' law on ye, + Casey. I will have th' joint closed! I'll teach ye t' be givin' knock-out + drops t' th' aldermin of th' city!” + </p> + <p> + “Mike!” cried the big mayor, giving him another vigorous shake. “Shut up + wid ye! Casey wouldn't be givin' ye annything that wasn't good for ye. + Casey wouldn't be givin' ye knock-out drops.” + </p> + <p> + “No?” whispered Mike angrily. “No? Wouldn't he, Dugan? An' what has he + done t' me mimory, then, Dugan? What has he put in th' drink t' rob me of + me mimory? Wan minute ago I knew as well anny other man what a dongola is + like, an' now I have no mimory of anny dongolas at all. Wan minute ago I + could have told ye th' whole history of dongolas, from th' time of Adam up + till now, an' have drawed a picture of wan that annywan could recognize—an' + now I wouldn't know wan if ye was show it t' me! I was about t' tell ye + th' whole history of dongolas, Dugan; 'twas on th' ind of me tongue t' + give ye a talk on dongolas, whin I took a drink. Ye saw me take a drink, + Grevemeyer?” + </p> + <p> + “Ya!” said Grevemeyer, nodding his head solemnly. “You took such a drink!” + </p> + <p> + “Sure,” said Toole, arranging his vest. “Grevemeyer saw me take th' drink—an + now I have no mimory of dongolas at all. If ye was t' show me a chromo of + wan I wouldn't know was it a dongola or what. I'm ashamed of ye, Casey!” + </p> + <p> + “If ye done it, Casey, ye hadn't have ought t' have done it,” said Dugan + reprovingly. “Th' mind of him might be ruined intirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Stop, Dugan!” said Toole hastily. “I forgive him. Me mind will likely be + all right by mornin'. 'Tis purty good yit, ixcipt on th' subjict of + dongolas. I'm timporarily out of remimbrance what dongolas is. 'Tis odd + how thim knock-out drops works, Grevemeyer.” + </p> + <p> + “Ya!” said the alderman unsuspectingly, “gifing such a forgetfulness on + such easy things as dongolas.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure! You tell Dugan what dongolas is, Grevemeyer,” said Toole quickly. + </p> + <p> + Grevemeyer looked at his glass thoughtfully. His mind worked slowly + always, but he saw that it would not do for him to have knock-out drops so + soon after Toole. + </p> + <p> + “Ach!” he exclaimed angrily. “You are insulting to me mit such questions + Toole. So much will I tell you—never ask Germans what is dongolas. + It is not for Germans to talk about such things. Ask Casey.” + </p> + <p> + Casey scratched his head thoughtfully. + </p> + <p> + “Dongolas?” he repeated. “I have heard th' word, Grevemeyer. Wait a bit! + 'Tis something about shoes. Sure! I remimber, now! 'Twas dongola shoes wan + of me kids had, last winter, an' no good they were, too. Dongolas is + shoes, Grevemeyer—laced shoes—dongolas is laced shoes.” + </p> + <p> + The big mayor leaned his head far back and laughed long and loud. He + pounded on the bar with his fist, and slapped Toole on the back. + </p> + <p> + “Laced shoes!” he cried, wiping his eyes, and then he became suddenly + serious. “'Twould not be shoes, Casey,” he said gravely. “Thim dongolas + was ricomminded by th' landscape-gardener from New Yorrk. 'Twould not be + sinsible t' ricommind us put a pair of laced shoes in th' park lake fer + th' kids t' ride on.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twould not seem so,” said Toole, shaking his head wisely. “I wisht me + mind was like it always is. 'Tis a pity—” + </p> + <p> + “Stop!” cried Casey. “I have it! Thim was kid shoes. Thim dongolas was kid + shoes.” + </p> + <p> + “So said, Casey,” said Duo'an “For th' kid.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Casey, “of th' kid.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Gravemeyer. “So it is—the shoes of the child.” + </p> + <p> + “Right fer ye!” exclaimed Casey. “Th' kid shoes of th' kid. 'Twas kid + leather they were made out of, Dugan. Th' dongola is some fancy kind of a + goat. Like box-calf is th' skin of th' calf of th' box-cow. Th' dongola is + some foreign kind of a goat, Dugan.” + </p> + <p> + “Ho, ho-o-o!” cried Toole, suddenly, knocking on his forehead with the + knuckles of his fist. The three men turned their eyes upon him and stared. + </p> + <p> + “What ails ye now, Mike?” asked Dugan, disgustedly. + </p> + <p> + “Ho-o-o!” he cried again, slapping himself on the top of his head. “Me + mind is comm' back t' me, Dugan! Th' effects of th' knock-out drops is + wearin' off! I recall now that th' dongola is some fancy kind of a goat. + 'Twill all come back t' me soon. + </p> + <p> + “Go along wid ye!” exclaimed Dugan. “Would ye be puttin' a goat in th' + lake for th' kids t' ride on?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Toole enthusiastically. “Sure I would, Dugan. Not th' common + goat I wouldn't. But dongola goats I would. Have ye heard of dongola water + goats, Casey? Was thim dongola goat skin shoes warranted t' be + water-proof?” + </p> + <p> + Casey wrinkled his brow. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis like they was, Toole,” he said doubtfully. “'Tis like they was + warranted t' be, but they wasn't.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” cried Toole joyously. “'Tis water-proof th' skin of th' dongola + water goats is, like th' skin of th' duck. An' swim? A duck isn't in it + wid a water goat. I remimber seein' thim in ould Ireland whin I was a bye, + Dugan, swimmin in th' lake of Killarney. Ah, 'twas a purty picture.” + </p> + <p> + “I seem t' remimber thim mesilf,” he said. “Not clear, but a bit.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure ye do!” cried Toole. “Many's the time I have rode across th' lake on + th' back of a dongola. Me own father, who was a big man in th' ould + country, used t' keep a pair of thim for us childer. 'Twas himself fetched + thim from Donnegal, Dugan. 'Twas from Donnegal they got th' name of thim, + an' 'twas th' name ye give thim that misled me. Donnegoras was what we + called thim in th' ould counry—donnegoras from Donnegal. I remimber + th' two of thim I had whin I was a kid, Dugan—wan was a Nanny, an' + wan was a Billy, an'—” + </p> + <p> + “Go on home, Mike,” said Dugan. “Go on home an' sleep it off!” and the + little alderman from the Fourth Ward picked up his hat and coat, and + obeyed his orders. + </p> + <p> + Instituting a new public park and seeing that in every purchase and every + contract there is a rake-off for the ring is a big job, and between this + and the fight against the rapidly increasing strength of the reform party, + Mayor Dugan had his hands more than full. He had no time to think of + dongolas, and he did not want to think of them—Toole was the + committee on dongolas, and it was his duty to think of them, and to worry + about them, if any worry was necessary. But Toole did not worry. He sat + down and wrote a letter to his cousin Dennis, official keeper of the zoo + in Idlewild Park at Franklin, Iowa. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Dennis,” he wrote. “Have you any dongola goats in your menagery for + I want two right away good strong ones answer right away your affectionate + cousin alderman Michael Toole.” + </p> + <p> + “Ps monny no object.” + </p> + <p> + When Dennis Toole received this letter he walked through his zoo and + considered his animals thoughtfully. The shop-worn brown bear would not do + to fill cousin Mike's order; neither would the weather-worn red deer nor + the family of variegated tame rabbits. The zoo of Idlewild Park at + Franklin was woefully short of dongola goats—in fact, to any but the + most imaginative and easily pleased child, it was lacking in nearly every + thing that makes a zoo a congress of the world's most rare and thrilling + creatures. After all, the nearest thing to a goat was a goat, and goats + were plenty in Franklin. Dennis felt an irresistible longing to aid Mike—the + longing that comes to any healthy man when a request is accompanied by the + legend “Money no object.” He wrote that evening to Mike. + </p> + <p> + “Dear Mike,” he wrote. “I've got two good strong dongola goats I can let + you have cheap. I'm overstocked with dongolas to-day. I want to get rid of + two. Zoo is getting too crowded with all kinds of animals and I don't need + so many dongola goats. I will sell you two for fifty dollars. Apiece. What + do you want them for? Your affectionate cousin, Dennis Toole, Zoo keeper. + PS. Crates extra.” + </p> + <p> + “Casey,” said Mike to his friend the saloon keeper when he received this + communication, “'tis just as I told ye—dongolas is goats. I have + been corrispondin' with wan of th' celibrated animal men regardin' th' + dongola water goat, an' I have me eye on two of thim this very minute. But + 'twill be ixpinsive, Casey, mighty ixpinsive. Th' dongola water goat is a + rare birrd, Casey. They have become extinct in th' lakes of Ireland, an' + what few of thim is left in th' worrld is held at outrajeous prices. In + th' letter I have from th' animal man, Casey, he wants two hundred dollars + apiece for each dongola water goat, an' 'twill be no easy thing for him t' + git thim.” + </p> + <p> + “Hasn't he thim in his shop, Mike?” asked Casey. + </p> + <p> + “He has not, Casey,” said the little alderman. “He has no place for thim. + Cages he has, an' globes for goldfish, an' birrd cages, but th' size of + th' shop l'aves no room for an aquarium, Casey. He has no tank for the + preservation of water goats. Hippopotamuses an' alligators an' crocodiles + an' dongola water goats an' sea lions he does not keep in stock, Casey, + but sinds out an' catches thim whin ordered. He writes that his agints has + their eyes on two fine dongolas, an' he has tiligraphed thim t' catch + thim.” + </p> + <p> + “Are they near by, Mike?” asked Casey, much interested. + </p> + <p> + “Naw,” said Toole. “'Twill be some time till I git thim. Th' last he heard + of thim they were swimmin' in th' Lake of Geneva.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it far, th' lake?” asked Casey. + </p> + <p> + “I disremimber how far,” said Toole. “'Tis in Africa or Asia, or mebby + 'tis in Constantinople. Wan of thim countries it is, annyhow.” + </p> + <p> + But to his cousin Dennis he wrote: + </p> + <p> + “Dear Dennis—I will take them two dongolas. Crate them good and + solid. Do not send them till I tell you. Send the bill to me. Your + affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole. Ps Make bill for two hundred + dollars a piece. Business is business. This is between us two. M. T.” + </p> + <p> + A Keeper of the Water Goats had been selected with the utmost care, + combining in the choice practical politics with a sense of fitness. + Timothy Fagan was used to animals—for years he had driven a + dumpcart. He was used to children—he had ten or eleven of his own. + And he controlled several votes in the Fourth Ward. His elevation from the + dump-cart of the street cleaning department to the high office of Keeper + of the Water Goats was one that Dugan believed would give general + satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + When the goats arrived in Jeffersonville the two heavy crates were hauled + to Alderman Toole's back yard to await the opening of the park, and there + Mayor Dugan and Goat Keeper Fagan came to inspect them. Alderman Toole led + the way to them with pride, and Mayor Dugan's creased brow almost + uncreased as he bent down and peered between the bars of the crates. They + were fine goats. Perhaps they looked somewhat more dejected than a goat + usually looks—more dirty and down at the heels than a goat often + looks—but they were undoubtedly goats. As specimens of ordinary + Irish goats they might not have passed muster with a careful buyer, but no + doubt they were excellent examples of the dongola. + </p> + <p> + “Ye have done good, Mike,” said the mayor. “Ye have done good! But ain't + they mebby a bit off their feed—or something?” + </p> + <p> + “Off their feed!” said Toole. “An' who wouldn't be, poor things? Mind ye, + Dugan, thim is not common goats—thim is dongolas—an' used to + bein' in th' wather con-continuous from mornin' till night. 'Tis sufferin' + for a swim they be, poor animals. Wance let thim git in th' lake an' ye + will see th' difference, Dugan. 'Twill make all th' difference in th' + worrld t' thim. 'Tis dyin' for a swim they are.” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said the Keeper of the Water Goats. “Ye have done good, Mike,” + said the mayor again. “Thim dongolas will be a big surprise for th' + people.” + </p> + <p> + They were. They surprised the Keeper of the Goats first of all. The day + before the park was to be opened to the public the goats were taken to the + park and turned over to their official keeper. At eleven o'clock that + morning Alderman Toole was leaning against Casey's bar, confidentially + pouring into his ear the story of how the dongolas had given their captors + a world of trouble, swimming violently to the far reaches of Lake Geneva + and hiding among the bulrushes and reeds, when the swinging door of the + saloon was banged open and Tim Fagan rushed in. He was mad. He was very + mad, but he was a great deal wetter than mad. He looked as if he had been + soaked in water over night, and not wrung out in the morning. + </p> + <p> + “Mike!” he whispered hoarsely, grasping the little alderman by the arm. “I + want ye! I want ye down at th' park.” + </p> + <p> + A chill of fear passed over Alderman Toole. He turned his face to Fagan + and laid his hand on his shoulder. + </p> + <p> + “Tim,” he demanded, “has annything happened t' th' dongolas?” + </p> + <p> + “Is annything happened t' th' dongolas!” exclaimed Fagan sarcastically. + “Is annything wrong with thim water goats? Oh, no, Toole! Nawthin' has + gone wrong with thim! Only they won't go into th' wather, Mike! Is + annything gone wrong with thim, did ye say? Nawthin'! They be in good + health, but they are not crazy t' be swimmin'. Th' way they do not hanker + t' dash into th' water is marvellous, Mike. No water for thim!” + </p> + <p> + “Hist!” said Toole uneasily, glancing around to see that no one but Casey + was in hearing. “Mebby ye have not started thim right, Tim.” + </p> + <p> + “Mebby not,” said Fagan angrily. “Mebby I do not know how t' start th' + water goat, Toole! Mebby there is one way unbeknownst t' me. If so, I have + not tried it. But th' forty-sivin other ways I have tried, an' th' goats + will not swim. I have started thim backwards an' I have started thim + frontwards, an' I have took thim in by th' horns an' give thim lessons t' + swim, an' they will not swim! I have done me duty by thim, Mike, an' I + have wrastled with thim, an' rolled in th' lake with thim. Was it t' be + swimmin' teacher t' water goats ye got me this job for?” + </p> + <p> + “Hist!” said Toole again. “Not so loud, Tim! Ye haven't told Dugan have + ye?” + </p> + <p> + “I have not!” said Tim, with anger. “I have not told annybody annything + excipt thim goats an' what I told thim is not dacint hearin'. I have + conversed with thim in strong language, an' it done no good. No swimmin' + for thim! Come on down an' have a chat with thim yersilf, Toole. Come on + down an' argue with thim, an persuade thim with th' soft sound of yer + voice t' swim. Come on down an' git thim water goats used t' th' water.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye don't understand th' water goat, Tim,” said Toole in gentle reproof. + “I will show ye how t' handle him,” and he went out, followed by the wet + Keeper of the Water Goats. + </p> + <p> + The two water goats stood at the side of the lake, wet and mournful, tied + to two strong stakes. They looked weary and meek, for they had had a hard + morning, but as soon as they saw Tim Fagan they brightened up. They arose + simultaneously on their hind legs and their eyes glittered with deadly + hatred. They strained at their ropes, and then, suddenly, panic-stricken, + they turned and ran, bringing up at the ends of their ropes with a shock + that bent the stout stakes to which they were fastened. They stood still + and cowered, trembling. + </p> + <p> + “Lay hold!” commanded Toole. “Lay hold of a horn of th' brute till I show + ye how t' make him swim.” + </p> + <p> + Through the fresh gravel of the beach the four feet of the reluctant goat + ploughed deep furrows. It shook its head from side to side, but Toole and + Fagan held it fast, and into the water it went. + </p> + <p> + “Now!” cried Alderman Toole. “Git behind an' push, Tim! Wan! Two! Three! + Push!” + </p> + <p> + Alderman Toole released his hold and Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan + pushed. Then they tried the other goat. It was easier to try the other + water goat than to waste time hunting up the one they had just tried, for + it had gone away. As soon as Alderman Toole let it go, it went. It seemed + to want to get to the other end of the park as soon as possible, but it + did not take the short cut across the lake—it went around. But it + did not mind travel—it went to the farthest part of the park, and it + would have gone farther if it could. So Alderman Toole and Keeper Fagan + tried the other water goat. That one went straight to the other end of the + park. It swerved from a straight line but once, and that was when it shied + at a pail of water that was in the way. It did not seem to like water. + </p> + <p> + In the Franklin Zoo Dennis Toole had just removed the lid of his tin + lunch-pail when the telegraph boy handed him the yellow envelope. He + turned it over and over, studying its exterior, while the boy went to look + at the shop-worn brown bear. The zoo keeper decided that there was no way + to find out what was inside of the envelope but to open it. He was ready + for the worst. He wondered, unthinkingly, which one of his forty or more + cousins was dead, and opened the envelope. + </p> + <p> + “Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo,” he read, “Dongolas won't swim. How do you + make them swim? Telegraph at once. Michael Toole.” + </p> + <p> + He laid the telegram across his knees and looked at it as if it was some + strange communication from another sphere. He pushed his hat to one side + of his head and scratched the tuft of red hair thus bared. + </p> + <p> + “'Dongolas won't swim!”' he repeated slowly. “An' how do I make thim swim? + I wonder does Cousin Mike take th' goat t' be a fish, or what? I wonder + does he take swimmin' to be wan of th' accomplishments of th' goat?” He + shook his head in puzzlement, and frowned at the telegram. “Would he be + havin' a goat regatta, I wonder, or was he expectin' th' goat t' be a + web-footed animal? 'Won't swim!' he repeated angrily. 'Won't swim!' An' + what is it to me if they won't swim? Nayther would I swim if I was a goat. + 'Tis none of me affair if they will not swim. There was nawthin' said + about 'swimmin' goats.' Goats I can give him, an' dongola goats I can give + him, an jumpin' goats, an' climbin' goats, an' walkin' goats, but 'tis not + in me line t'furnish submarine goats. No, nor goats t' fly up in th' air! + Would anny one,” he said with exasperation, “would anny one that got a + plain order for goats ixpict t' have t' furnish goats that would hop up + off th' earth an' make a balloon ascension? 'Tis no fault of Dennis + Toole's thim goats won't swim. What will Mike be telegraphin' me nixt, I + wonder? 'Dear Dennis: Th' goats won't lay eggs. How do ye make thim?' Bye, + have ye a piece of paper t' write an answer t' me cousin Mike on?” + </p> + <p> + The Keeper of the Water Goats and Alderman Toole were sitting on a rustic + bench looking sadly at the water goats when the Jeffersonville telegraph + messenger brought them Dennis Toole's answer. Alderman Toole grasped the + envelope eagerly and tore it open, and Fagan leaned over his shoulder as + he read it: + </p> + <p> + “Michael Toole, Alderman, Jeffersonville,” they read. “Put them in the + water and see if they will swim. Dennis Toole.” + </p> + <p> + “Put thim in th' wather!” exclaimed Alderman Toole angrily. “Why don't ye + put thim in th' wather, Fagan? Why did ye not think t' put thim in th' + wather?” He looked down at his soaking clothes, and his anger increased. + “Why have ye been tryin' t' make thim dongolas swim on land, Fagan?” he + asked sarcastically. “Or have ye been throwin' thim up in th' air t' see + thim swim? Why don't ye put thim in th' wather? Why don't ye follow th' + instructions of th' expert dongola water goat man an' put thim in th' + wather if ye want thim t' swim?” + </p> + <p> + Fagan looked at the angry alderman. He looked at the dripping goats. + </p> + <p> + “So I did, Mike,” he said seriously. “We both of us did.” + </p> + <p> + “An' did we!” cried Alderman Toole in mock surprise. “Is it possible we + thought t' put thim in th' wather whin we wanted thim t' swim? It was in + me mind that we tied thim to a tree an' played ring-around-a-rosy with + thim t' induce thim t' swim! Where's a pencil? Where's a piece of paper?” + he cried. + </p> + <p> + He jerked them from the hand of the messenger boy. The afternoon was half + worn away. Every minute was precious. He wrote hastily and handed the + message to the messenger boy. + </p> + <p> + “Fagan,” he said, as the boy disappeared down the path at a run, “raise up + yer spirits an come an' give th' water goats some more instructions in th' + ginteel art of swimmin' in th' wather.” + </p> + <p> + Fagan sighed and arose. He walked toward the dejected water goats, and, + taking the nearest one by the horns yanked it toward the lake. The goat + was too weak to do more than hold back feebly and bleat its disapproval of + another bath. The more lessons in swimming it received the less it seemed + to like to swim. It had developed a positive hatred of swimming. + </p> + <p> + Dennis Toole received the second telegram with a savage grin. He had + expected it. He opened it with malicious slowness. + </p> + <p> + “Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo,” he read. “Where do you think I put them to + make them swim? They won't swim in the lake. It won't do no good to us for + them to swim on dry land. No fooling, now, how do you make them dongolas + swim? Answer quick. + </p> + <p> + “Michael Toole.” + </p> + <p> + He did not have to study out his reply, for he had been considering it + ever since he had sent the other telegram. He took a blank from the boy + and wrote the answer. The sun was setting when the Jeffersonville + messenger delivered it to Alderman Toole. + </p> + <p> + “Mike Toole, Jeffersonville,” it said. “Quit fooling, yourself. Don't you + know young dongolas are always water-shy at first? Tie them in the lake + and let them soak, and they will learn to swim fast enough. If I didn't + know any more about dongolas than you do I would keep clear of them. + Dennis Toole.” + </p> + <p> + “Listen to that now,” said Alderman Toole, a smile spreading over his + face. “An' who ever said I knew annything about water goats, anny how? Th' + natural history of th' water goat is not wan of the things usually + considered part of th' iducation of th' alderman from th' Fourth Ward, + Fagan, but 'tis surprised I am that ye did not know th' goat is like th' + soup bean, an' has t' be soaked before usin'. Th' Keeper of th' Water Goat + should know th' habits of th' animal, Fagan. Why did ye not put thim in to + soak in th' first place? I am surprised at ye!” + </p> + <p> + “It escaped me mind,” said Fagan. “I was thinkin' these was broke t' + swimmin' an' did not need t' be soaked. I wonder how long they should be + soaked, Mike?” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill do no harrm t' soak thim over night, anny how,” said Toole. “Over + night is th' usual soak given t' th' soup-bean an' th' salt mackerel, t' + say nawthin' of th' codfish an' others of th' water-goat family. Let th' + water goats soak over night, Fagan, an by mornin' they will be ready t' + swim like a trout. We will anchor thim in th' lake, Fagan—an' we + will say nawthin' t' Dugan. 'Twould be a blow t' Dugan was he t' learn th' + dongolas provided fer th' park was young an' wather-shy.” + </p> + <p> + They anchored the water goats firmly in the lake, and left them there to + overcome their shyness, which seemed, as Fagan and Toole left them, to be + as great as ever. The goats gazed sadly, and bleated longingly, after the + two men as they disappeared in the dusk, and when the men had passed + entirely out of sight, the goats looked at each other and complained + bitterly. + </p> + <p> + Alderman Toole thoughtfully changed his wet clothes for dry ones before he + went to Casey's that evening, for he thought Dugan might be there, and he + was. He was there when Toole arrived, and his brow was black. He had had a + bad day of it. Everything had gone wrong with him and his affairs. A large + lump of his adherents had sloughed off from his party and had affiliated + with his opponents, and the evening opposition paper had come out with a + red-hot article condemning the administration for reckless extravagance. + It had especially condemned Dugan for burdening the city with new bonds to + create an unneeded park, and the whole thing had ended with a screech of + ironic laughter over the—so the editor called it—fitting + capstone of the whole business, the purchase of two dongola goats at + perfectly extravagant prices. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” said the big mayor severely, when the little alderman had offered + his greetings, “there is the divil an' all t' pay about thim dongolas. Th' + News is full of thim. 'Twill be th' ind of us all if they do not pan out + well. Have ye tried thim in th' water yet?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” exclaimed the little alderman with a heartiness he did not feel. + “What has me an' Fagan been doin' all day but tryin' thim? Have no fear of + th' wather goats, Dugan.” + </p> + <p> + “Do they swim well, Mike?” asked the big mayor kindly, but with a weary + heaviness he did not try to conceal. + </p> + <p> + “Swim!” exclaimed Toole. “Did ye say swim, Dugan? Swim is no name for th' + way they rip thro' the wather! 'Twas marvellous t' see thim. Ah, thim + dongolas is wonderful animals! Do ye think we could persuade thim t' come + out whin we wanted t' come home? Not thim, Dugan! 'Twas all me an' Fagan + could do t' pull thim out by main force, an' th' minute we let go of thim, + back they wint into th' wather. 'Twas pitiful t' hear th' way they bleated + t' be let back into th' wather agin, Dugan, so we let thim stay in for th' + night.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye did not let thim loose in th' lake, Mike?” exclaimed the big mayor. + “Ye did not let thim be so they could git away?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Toole. “No! They'll not git away, Dugan. We anchored thim + fast.” + </p> + <p> + “Ye done good, Mike,” said the big mayor. + </p> + <p> + The next morning Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan was down sufficiently + early to drag the bodies of the goats out of the lake long before even the + first citizen was admitted to the park. Alone, and hastily he hid them in + the little tool house, and locked the door on them. Then he went to find + Alderman Toole. He found him in the mayor's office, and beckoned him to + one side. In hot, quick accents he told him the untimely fate of the + dongola water goats, and the mayor—with an eye for everything on + that important day—saw the red face of Alderman Toole grow longer + and redder; saw the look of pain and horror that overspread it. A chilling + fear gripped his own heart. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” he said. “What's th' matter with th' dongolas?” + </p> + <p> + It was Fagan who spoke, while the little alderman from the Fourth Ward + stood bereft of speech in this awful moment. + </p> + <p> + “Dugan,” he said, “I have not had much ixperience with th' dongola wather + goat, an' th' ways an' habits of thim is strange t' me, but if I was t' + say what I think, I would say they was over-soaked.” + </p> + <p> + “Over-soaked, Fagan?” said the mayor crossly. “Talk sense, will ye?” + </p> + <p> + “Sure!” said Fagan. “An' over-soaked is what I say. Thim water goats has + all th' looks of bein' soaked too long. I would not say positive, Yer + Honour, but that is th' looks of thim. If me own mother was t' ask me I + would say th' same, Dugan. 'Soakin' too long done it,' is what I would + say.” + </p> + <p> + “You are a fool, Fagan!” exclaimed the big mayor. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Fagan mildly, “I have not had much ixperience in soakin' + dongolas, if ye mean that, Dugan. I do not set up t' be an expert dongola + soaker. I do not know th' rules t' go by. Some may like thim soaked long + an' some may like thim soaked not so long, but if I was to say, I would + say thim two dongolas at th' park has been soaked a dang sight too long. + Th' swim has been soaked clean out of thim.” + </p> + <p> + “Are they sick?” asked the big mayor. “What is th' matter with thim?” + </p> + <p> + “They do look sick,” agreed Fagan, breaking the bad news gently. “I should + say they look mighty sick, Dugan. If they looked anny sicker, I would be + afther lookin' for a place t' bury thim in. An' I am lookin' for th' place + now.” + </p> + <p> + As the truth dawned on the mind of the big mayor, he lost his firm look + and sank into a chair. This was the last brick pulled from under his + structure of hopes. His head sank upon his breast and for many minutes he + was silent, while his aides stood abashed and ill at ease. At last he + raised his head and stared at Toole, more in sorrow than in resentfulness. + </p> + <p> + “Mike,” he said, “Mike Toole! What in th' worrld made ye soak thim + dongolas?” + </p> + <p> + “Dugan,” pleaded Toole, laying his hand on the big mayor's arm. “Dugan, + old man, don't look at me that way. There was nawthin' else t' do but soak + thim dongolas. Many's th' time I have seen me old father soakin' th' young + dongolas t' limber thim up for swimmin'. 'If iver ye have to do with + dongolas, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'soak thim well firrst.' So I + soaked thim, an' 'tis none of me fault, nor Fagan's either, that they + soaked full o' wather. First-class dongolas is wather-proof, as iveryone + knows, Dugan, an' how was we t' know thim two was not? How was me an' + Fagan t' know their skins would soak in wather like a pillow case? Small + blame to us, Dugan.” + </p> + <p> + The big mayor took his head between his hands and stared moodily at the + floor. + </p> + <p> + “Go awn away!” he said after a while. “Ye have done for me an' th' byes, + Toole. Ye have soaked us out of office, wan an' all of us. I want t' be + alone. It is all over with us. Go awn away.” + </p> + <p> + Toole and the Keeper of the Water Goats stole silently from the room and + out into the street. Fagan was the first to speak. + </p> + <p> + “How was we t' know thim dongolas would soak in wather that way, Toole?” + he said defensively. “How was we t' know they was not th' wather-proof + kind of dongolas?” + </p> + <p> + The little alderman from the Fourth Ward walked silently by the Keeper's + side. His head was downcast and his hands were clasped beneath the tails + of his coat. Suddenly he looked Fagan full in the face. + </p> + <p> + “'Twas our fault, Fagan,” he said. “'Twas all our fault. If we didn't know + thim dongolas was wather-proof we should have varnished thim before we put + thim in th' lake t' soak. I don't blame you, Fagan, for ye did not know + anny better, but I blame mesilf. For I call t' mind now that me father + always varnished th' dongolas before he soaked thim overnight. 'Take no + chances, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'always varnish thim firrst. Some of + thim is rubbery an' will not soak up wather, but some is spongy, an' 'tis + best t' varnish one an' all of thim.”' + </p> + <p> + “Think of that now!” exclaimed Fagan with admiration. “Sure, but this + natural history is a wonderful science, Toole! To think that thim animals + was th' spongyhided dongola water goats of foreign lands, an' used t' + bein' varnished before each an' every bath! An' t' me they looked no + different from th' goats of me byehood! I was never cut out for a goat + keeper, Mike. An' me job on th' dump-cart is gone, too. 'Twill be hard + times for Fagan.” + </p> + <p> + “'Twill be hard times for Toole, too,” said the little alderman, and they + walked on without speaking until Fagan reached his gate. + </p> + <p> + “Well, anny how,” he said with cheerful philosophy, “'tis better t' be us + than to be thim dongola water goats—dead or alive. 'Tis not too + often I take a bath, Mike, but if I was wan of thim spongy-hided dongolas + an' had t' be varnished each time I got in me bath tub, I would stop + bathin' for good an' all.” + </p> + <p> + He looked toward the house. + </p> + <p> + “I'll not worry,” he said. “Maggie will be sad t' hear th' job is gone, + but she would have took it harder t' know her Tim was wastin' his time + varnishin' th' slab side of a spongy goat.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS + </h2> + <p> + On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home at Westcote + very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, like a thief in the + night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In two minutes he was asleep, + and it was no wonder, for by that time it was five minutes after three in + the morning, and Mr. Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock. Even when + he was delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule to catch the + nine o'clock train home. + </p> + <p> + When Mrs. Billings awoke the next—or, rather, that same—morning, + she gazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her husband, and was in + the satisfied frame of mind that takes an unexpected train delay as a + legitimate excuse, when she happened to cast her eyes upon Mr. Billings's + coat, which was thrown carelessly over the foot of the bed. Protruding + from one of the side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle, half full of + milk. Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searching Mr. Billings's + other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful. + </p> + <p> + In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, such as + ladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of their own, and + these curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, when she dived into his + trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns carefully wrapped in a lady's + handkerchief, with the initials “T. M. C.” embroidered in one corner. + </p> + <p> + All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau drawer and + proceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. Billings, he yawned, + stretched, and then, realizing that getting-up time had arrived, hopped + briskly out of bed. + </p> + <p> + “You got in late last night,” said Mrs. Billings pleasantly. + </p> + <p> + If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was mistaken. He + continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if he had a clear + conscience. + </p> + <p> + “Indeed I did, Mary,” he said. “It was three when I entered the house, for + the clock was just striking.” + </p> + <p> + “Something must have delayed you,” suggested Mrs. Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Otherwise, dear,” said Mr. Billings, “I should have been home much + sooner. + </p> + <p> + “Probably,” said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most sarcastic tone, + as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew out the patent + nursing-bottle, “this had something to do with your being delayed!” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, and then he drew out his watch + and looked at that. + </p> + <p> + “My dear,” he said, “you are right. It did. But I now have just time to + gulp down my coffee and catch my train. To-night, when I return from town, + I will tell you the most remarkable story of that nursing-bottle, and how + it happened to be in my pocket, and in the mean time I beg you—I + most sincerely beg you—to feel no uneasiness.” + </p> + <p> + With this he hurried out of the room, and a few moments later his wife saw + him running for his train. + </p> + <p> + All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most disturbing thoughts, and as + soon as dinner was finished that evening she led the way into the library. + </p> + <p> + “Now, Rollin?” she said, and without hesitation Mr. Billings began. + </p> + <p> + I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE + </p> + <p> + You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, the coloured elevator boy in our + office building, and you know what a pleasant, accommodating lad he is. He + is the sort of boy for whom one would gladly do a favour, for he is always + so willing to do favours for others, but I was thinking nothing of this + when I stepped from my office at exactly five o'clock yesterday evening. I + was thinking of nothing but getting home to dinner as soon as possible, + and was just stepping into the elevator when Lemuel laid his hand gently + on my arm. + </p> + <p> + “I beg yo' pahdon, Mistah Billings,” he said politely, “but would yo' do + me a favour?” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, Lemuel,” I said; “how much can I lend you?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tain't that, sah,” he said. “I wish t' have a word or two in private + with yo'. Would yo' mind steppin' back into yo' office until I git these + folks out of th' buildin', so's I can speak to yo'?” + </p> + <p> + I knew I had still half an hour before my six-two train, and I was not + unwilling to do Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my office as he + desired, and waited there until he appeared, which was not until he had + taken all the tenants down in his elevator. Then he opened the door and + came in. With him was the young man I had often seen in the office next to + mine, as I passed, and a young woman on whom I had never set my eyes + before. No sooner had they opened the door than the young man began to + speak, and Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Billings,” said the young man, “you may think it strange that I + should come to you in this way when you and I are hardly acquaintances, + but I have often observed you passing my door, and have noted your + kind-looking face, and the moment I found this trouble upon me I instantly + thought of you as the one man who would be likely to help me out of my + difficulty.” + </p> + <p> + While he said this I had time to study his face, and also to glance at the + young woman, and I saw that he must, indeed, be in great trouble. I also + saw that the young woman was pretty and modest and that she, also, was in + great distress. I at once agreed to help him, provided I should not be + made to miss the six-thirty train, for I saw I was already too late for + the six-two. + </p> + <p> + “Good!” he cried. “For several years Madge—who is this young lady—and + I have been in love, and we wish to be married this evening, but her + father and my father are waiting at the foot of the elevator at this + minute, and they have been waiting there all day. There is no other way + for us to leave the building, for the foot of the stairs is also the foot + of the elevator, and, in fact, when I last peeped, Madge's father was + sitting on the bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen minutes of six, and + at six o'clock they mean to come up and tear Madge and me away, and have + us married.” + </p> + <p> + “To—” I began. + </p> + <p> + “To each other,” said the young man with emotion. + </p> + <p> + “But I thought that was what you wanted?” I exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Not at all! Not at all!” said the young man, and the young woman added + her voice in protest, too. “I am the head of the Statistical Department of + the Society for the Obtaining of a Uniform National Divorce Law, and the + work in that department has convinced me beyond a doubt that forced + marriages always end unhappily. In eighty-seven thousand six hundred and + four cases of forced marriages that I have tabulated I have found that + eighty-seven thousand six hundred and three have been unhappy. In the face + of such statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves to be married + against our wills. We insist on marrying voluntarily.” + </p> + <p> + “That could be easily arranged,” I ventured to say, “in view of the fact + that both your fathers wish you to be married.” + </p> + <p> + “Not at all,” said Madge, with more independence than I had thought her + capable of; “because my father and Henry's father are gentlemen of the old + school. I would not say anything against either father, for in ordinary + affairs I they are two most suave and charming old gentlemen, but in this + they hold to the old-school idea that children should allow their parents + to select their life-partners, and they insist that Henry and I allow + ourselves to be forced to marry each other. And that, in spite of the + statistics Henry has shown them. Our whole happiness depends on our + getting out of this building before they can come up and get us. That is + why we appeal to you.” + </p> + <p> + “If you still hesitate, after what Madge has said,” said Henry, pulling a + large roll of paper out of his pocket, “here are the statistics.” + </p> + <p> + “Very well,” I said, “I will help you, if I can do so and not miss the + six-thirty train. What is your plan?” + </p> + <p> + “It is very simple,” said Henry. “Our fathers are both quite near-sighted, + and as six o'clock draws near they will naturally become greatly excited + and nervous, and, therefore, less observant of small things. I have + brought with me some burnt cork with which I will blacken my face, and I + will change clothes with Lemuel, and, in the one moment necessary to + escape, my father will not recognize me. Lemuel, on the other hand, will + whiten his face with some powder that Madge has brought, and will wear my + clothes, and in the excitement my father will seize him instead of me.” + </p> + <p> + “Excellent,” I said, “but what part do I play in this?” + </p> + <p> + “This part,” said Henry, “you will wear, over your street clothes, a gown + that Madge has brought in her suit-case and a hat that she has also + brought, both of which her father will easily recognize, while Madge will + redden her face with rouge, muss her hair, don a torn, calico dress, and + with a scrub-rag and a mop in her hands easily pass for a scrub-woman. + </p> + <p> + “And then?” I asked. + </p> + <p> + “Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously down the stairs, as if you were + Madge and I seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as Lemuel and the + scrub-woman, will go down by the elevator. My father and Madge's father + will seize you and Lemuel—” + </p> + <p> + “And I shall appear like a fool when they discover I am a respectable + business man rigged up in woman's clothes,” I said. + </p> + <p> + “Not at all,” said Madge, “for Henry and I have thought of that. You must + play your part until you see that henry and I have escaped from the + elevator and have left the building, and that is all. I have had the + forethought to prepare an alibi for you. As soon as you see that Henry and + I are safe outside the building, you must become very indignant, and + insist that you are a respectable married woman, and in proof you must + hand my father the contents of this package. He will be convinced + immediately and let you go, and then Lemuel can run you up to your office + and you can take off my dress and hat and catch the six-thirty train + without trouble.” She then handed me a small parcel, which I slipped into + my coat pocket. + </p> + <p> + When this had been agreed upon she and Henry left the office and I took + the hat and dress from the suit-case and put them on, while Lemuel put on + Henry's suit and whitened his face. This took but a few minutes, and we + went into the hall and found Henry and Madge already waiting for us. Henry + was blackened into a good likeness of Lemuel, and Madge was quite a mussy + scrub-woman. They immediately entered the elevator and began to descend + slowly, while Lemuel and I crept down the stairs. + </p> + <p> + Lemuel and I kept as nearly as possible opposite the elevator, so that we + might arrive at the foot of the stairs but a moment before Madge and + Henry, and we could hear the two fathers shuffling on the street floor, + when suddenly, as we reached the third floor, we heard a whisper from + Henry in the elevator. The elevator had stuck fast between the third and + fourth floors. As with one mind, Lemuel and I seated ourselves on a step + and waited until Henry should get the elevator running again and could + proceed to the street floor. + </p> + <p> + For a while we could hear no noise but the grating of metal on metal as + Henry worked with the starting lever of the elevator, and then we heard + the two voices of the fathers. + </p> + <p> + “It is a ruse,” said one father. “They are pretending the elevator is + stuck, and when we grow impatient and start up the stairs they will come + down with a rush and escape us.” + </p> + <p> + “But we are not so silly as that,” said the other father. “We will stay + right here and wait until they come down.” + </p> + <p> + At that Lemuel and I settled ourselves more comfortably, for there was + nothing else to do. I cursed inwardly as I felt the minutes slip by and + knew that half-past six had come and gone, but I was sure you would not + like to have me desert those two poor lovers who were fighting to ward off + the statistics, so I sat still and silent. So did Lemuel. + </p> + <p> + I do not know how long I sat there, for it was already dark in the narrow + stairway, but it must have been a long time. I drowsed off, and I was + finally awakened by Lemuel tugging at my sleeve, and I knew that Henry had + managed to start the elevator again. Lemuel and I hastened our steps, and + just as the elevator was coming into sight below the second floor we were + seen by the two fathers. For an instant they hesitated, and then they + seized us. At the same time the elevator door opened and Henry and Madge + came out, and the two fathers hardly glanced at them as they went out of + the door into the street. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I saw that they were safe I feigned great indignation, and so + did Lemuel. + </p> + <p> + “Unhand me, sir!” I cried. “Who do you think I am? I am a respectable + married lady, leaving the building with her husband. Unhand me!” + </p> + <p> + Instead of doing so, however, the father that had me by the arm drew me + nearer to the hall light. As he did so he stared closely at my face. + </p> + <p> + “Morgan,” he said to the other father, “this is not my daughter. My + daughter did not have a moustache.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, I am not your daughter,” I said; “I am a respectable married + lady, and here is the proof.” + </p> + <p> + With that I reached for the package Madge had given me, but it was in my + coat-pocket, underneath the dress I had on, and it was only with great + difficulty and by raising one side of the skirt that I was able to get it. + I unwrapped it and showed it to the father that had me by the arm. It was + the patent nursing-bottle. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Billings had finished his relation his wife sat for a moment in + silence. Then she said: + </p> + <p> + “And he let you go?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, of course,” said Mr. Billings; “he could not hold me after such + proof as that, and Lemuel ran me up to my office, where I changed my hat + and took off the dress. I knew it was late, and I did not know what train + I could catch, but I made haste, and, on the way down in the elevator, I + felt in my pocket to see if I had my commutation ticket, when my hand + struck the patent nursing-bottle. My first impulse was to drop it in the + car, but on second thought I decided to keep it, for I knew that when you + saw it and heard the story you would understand perfectly why I was + detained last night.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes?” said Mrs. Billings questioningly. “But, my dear, all that does not + account for these.” + </p> + <p> + As she said that she drew from her workbasket the three auburn-red curls. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, those!” said Mr. Billings, after a momentary hesitation. “I was about + to tell you about those.” + </p> + <p> + “Do so!” said Mrs. Billings coldly. “I am listening.” + </p> + <p> + II. THE THREE AUBURN-RED CURLS + </p> + <p> + When I went down in the elevator (said Mr. Billings) with the + nursing-bottle in my pocket, I had no thought but to get to the train as + soon as possible, for I saw by the clock in my office that I had just time + to catch the eleven-nine if I should not be delayed. Therefore, as soon as + I was outside the building I started to run, but when I reached the corner + and was just about to step on a passing street-car a hand was laid on my + arm, and I turned to see who was seeking to detain me. It was a woman in + the most pitiable rags, and on her arm she carried a baby so thin and pale + that I could scarcely believe it lived. + </p> + <p> + One glance at the child showed me that it was on the verge of death by + starvation, and this was confirmed by the moans of the mother, who begged + me for humanity's sake to give her money with which to provide food for + the child, even though I let her, herself, starve. You know, my dear, you + never allow me to give money to street beggars, and I remembered this, but + at the same time I remembered the patent nursing-bottle I still carried in + my pocket. + </p> + <p> + Without hesitation I drew the patent nursing-bottle from my pocket and + told the mother to allow the infant to have a sufficient quantity of milk + it contained to sustain the child's life until she could procure other + alms or other aid. With a cry of joy the mother took the nursing-bottle + and pressed it to the poor baby's lips, and it was with great pleasure I + saw the rosy colour return to the child's cheeks. The sadness of despair + that had shadowed the mother's face also fled, and I could see that + already she was looking on life with a more optimistic view. + </p> + <p> + I verily believe the child could have absorbed the entire contents of the + bottle, but I had impressed upon the mother that she was to give the child + only sufficient to sustain life, not to suffice it until it was grown to + manhood or womanhood, and when the bottle was half-emptied the mother + returned it to me. How much time all this occupied I do not know, but the + child took the milk with extreme slowness. I may say that it took the milk + drop by drop. A great deal of time must have elapsed. + </p> + <p> + But when the mother had returned the patent nursing-bottle to me and saw + how impatient I was to be gone, she still retained her hold upon my arm. + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” she said, “you have undoubtedly saved the life of my child, and I + only regret that I cannot repay you for all it means to me. But I cannot. + Stay!” she cried, when I was about to pull my arm away. “Has your wife + auburn-red hair?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” I said, “she has not, her hair is a most beautiful black.” + </p> + <p> + “No matter,” said the poor woman, putting her hand to her head. “Some day + she may wish to change the colour of her hair to auburn-red, which is + easily done with a little bleach and a little dye, and should she do so + these may come handy;” and with that she slipped something soft and fluffy + into my hand and fled into the night. When I looked, I saw in my hand the + very curls you hold there. My first impulse was to drop them in the + street, but I remembered that the poor woman had not given them to me, but + to you, and that it was my duty to bring them home to you, so I slipped + them into my pocket. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Billings had ended this recital of what had happened to him his + wife said: + </p> + <p> + “Huh!” + </p> + <p> + At the same time she tossed the curls into the grate, where they + shrivelled up, burst into blue smoke, and shortly disappeared in ashes. + </p> + <p> + “That is a very likely story,” she said, “but it does not explain how this + came to be in your pocket.” + </p> + <p> + Saying this she drew from her basket the handkerchief and handed it to Mr. + Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Hah!” he exclaimed. For a moment he turned the rolled-up handkerchief + over and over, and then he cautiously opened it. At the sight of the + twelve acorns he seemed somewhat surprised, and when the initials “T. M. + C.” on the corner of the handkerchief caught his eye he blushed. + </p> + <p> + “You are blushing—you are disturbed,” said Mrs. Billings severely. + </p> + <p> + “I am,” said Mr. Billings, suddenly recovering himself; “and no wonder.” + </p> + <p> + “And no wonder, indeed!” said Mrs Billings. “Perhaps, then, you can tell + me how those acorns and that handkerchief came to be in your pocket.” + </p> + <p> + “I can,” said Mr. Billings, “and I will.” + </p> + <p> + “You had better,” said Mrs. Billings. + </p> + <p> + III. THE TWELVE ACORNS AND THE LADY'S HANDKERCHIEF + </p> + <p> + You may have noticed, my dear (said Mr. Billings), that the initials on + that handkerchief are “T. M. C.,” and I wish you to keep that in mind, for + it has a great deal to do with this story. Had they been anything else + that handkerchief would not have found its way into my pocket; and when + you see how those acorns and that handkerchief, and the half-filled + nursing-bottle and the auburn-red curls all combined to keep me out of my + home until the unearthly hour of three A. M., you will forget the unjust + suspicions which I too sadly fear you now hold against me, and you will + admit that a half-filled patent nursing-bottle, a trio of curls, a lady's + handkerchief and twelve acorns were the most natural things in the world + to find in my pockets. + </p> + <p> + When I had left the poor woman with her no-longer-starving baby I + hurriedly glanced into a store window, and by the clock there saw it was + twenty minutes of one and that I had exactly time to catch the one o'clock + train, which is the last train that runs to Westcote. I glanced up and + down the street, but not a car was in sight, and I knew I could not afford + to wait long if I wished to catch that train. There was but one thing to + do, and that was to take a cab, and, as luck would have it, at that moment + an automobile cab came rapidly around the corner. I raised my voice and my + arm, and the driver saw or heard me, for he made a quick turn in the + street and drew up at the curb beside me. I hastily gave him the + directions, jumped in and slammed the door shut, and the auto-cab + immediately started forward at what seemed to me unsafe speed. + </p> + <p> + We had not gone far when something in the fore part of the automobile + began to thump in a most alarming manner, and the driver slackened his + speed, drew up to the curb and stopped. He opened the door and put his + head in. + </p> + <p> + “Something's gone wrong,” he said, “but don't you worry. I'll have it + fixed in no time, and then I can put on more speed and I'll get you there + in just the same time as if nothing had happened.” + </p> + <p> + When he said this I was perfectly satisfied, for he was a nice-looking + man, and I lay back, for I was quite tired out, it was so long past my + usual bedtime; and the driver went to work, doing things I could not + understand to the fore part of the automobile, where the machinery is. I + remember thinking that the cushions of this automobile were unusually + soft, and then I must have dozed off, and when I opened my eyes I did not + know how much time had elapsed, but the driver was still at work and I + could hear him swearing. He seemed to be having a great deal of trouble, + so I got out of the automobile, intending to tell him that perhaps I had + better try to get a car, after all. But his actions when he saw me were + most unexpected. He waved the wrench he held in his hand, and ordered me + to get back into the automobile, and I did. I supposed he was afraid he + would lose his fare and tip, but in a few minutes he opened the door again + and spoke to me. + </p> + <p> + “Now, sport,” he said, “there ain't no use thinkin' about gettin' that + train, because it's gone, and I may as well say now that you've got to + come with me, unless you want me to smash your head in. The fact is, this + ain't no public automobile, and I hadn't no right to take you for a + passenger. This automobile belongs to a lady and I'm her hired chauffeur, + and she's at a bridge-whist party in a house on Fifth Avenue, and I'm + supposed to be waiting outside that house. One-fifteen o'clock was the + time she said she would be out. But I thought maybe I might make a dollar + or two for myself instead of waiting there all that time, and she would + never know it. And now it is nearly two o'clock, and if I go back alone + she will be raving mad, and I'll get my discharge and no references, and + my poor wife and six children will have to starve. So you will have to go + with me and explain how it was that I wasn't there at one-fifteen + o'clock.” + </p> + <p> + “My friend,” I said, “I am sorry for you, but I do not see how it would + help you, should I refuse to go and you should, as you say, smash my head + in.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't you worry none about that,” he said. “If I smashed your head in, as + I could do easy enough with this wrench, I'd take what was left of you up + some dark street, and lay you on the pavement and run the machine across + you once or twice, and then take you to a hospital, and that would be + excuse enough. You'd be another 'Killed by an Automobile,' and I'd be the + hero that picked you up and took you to the hospital.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” I said, “under the circumstances I shall go with you, not because + you threaten me, but because your poor wife and six children are + threatened with starvation.” + </p> + <p> + “Good!” he said. “And now all you have to do is to think of what the + excuse you will give my lady boss will be.” + </p> + <p> + With that he lay back against the cushions and waited. He seemed to feel + that the matter did not concern him any more, and that the rest of it lay + with me. + </p> + <p> + “Go ahead!” I said to him. “I have no idea what I shall tell your + mistress, but since I have lost the last train I must try to catch the two + o'clock trolley car to Westeote, and I do not wish to spend any more time + than necessary on this business. Make all the haste possible, and as we go + I shall think what I will say when we get there.” + </p> + <p> + The driver got out and took his seat and started the car. I was worried, + indeed, my dear. I tried to think of something plausible to tell the young + man's employer; something that would have an air of self-proof, when + suddenly I remembered the half-filled nursing-bottle and the three + auburn-red curls. Why should I not tell the lady that a poor mother, while + proceeding down Fifth Avenue from her scrub-woman job, had been taken + suddenly ill, and that I, being near, had insisted that this automobile + help me convey the woman to her home, which we found, alas! to be in the + farthest districts of Brooklyn? Then I would produce the three auburn-red + curls and the half-filled nursing-bottle as having been left in the + automobile by the woman, and this proof would suffice. + </p> + <p> + I had fully decided on this when the automobile stopped in front of a + large house in Fifth Avenue, and I had time to tell the driver that I had + thought of the proper thing to say, but that was all, for the waiting lady + came down the steps in great anger, and was about to begin a good + scolding, when she noticed me sitting in her automobile. + </p> + <p> + If she had been angry before she was now furious, and she was the kind of + young woman who can be extremely furious when she tries. I think nothing + in the world could have calmed her had she not caught sight of my face by + the light of two strong lamps on a passing automobile. She saw in my face + what you see there now, my dear—the benevolent, fatherly face of a + settled-down, trustworthy, married man of past middle age—and as if + by magic her anger fled and she burst into tears. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir!” she cried, “I do not know who you are, nor how you happen to be + in my car, but at this moment I am homeless and friendless. I am alone in + the world, and I need advice. Let me get into the car beside you—” + </p> + <p> + “Miss,” I said, “I do not like to disoblige you, but I can never allow + myself to be in an automobile at this time of night with a strange woman, + unchaperoned.” + </p> + <p> + These words seemed almost more than she could bear, and my heart was full + of pity, but, just as I was about to spring from the automobile and rush + away, I saw on the walk the poor woman to whose baby I had given the half + of the contents of the patent nursing-bottle. I called her and made her + get into the automobile, and then I let the young woman enter. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” I said, “where to?” + </p> + <p> + “That,” she said, “is what I do not know. When I left my home this evening + I left it forever, and I left a note of farewell to my father, which he + must have received and read by this time, and if I went back he would turn + me from the door in anger, for he is a gentleman of the old school.” + </p> + <p> + When I heard these words I was startled. “Can it be,” I asked, “that you + have a brother henry?” + </p> + <p> + “I have,” she admitted; “Henry Corwin is his name.” This was the name of + the young man I had helped that very evening to marry Madge. I told her to + proceed. + </p> + <p> + “My father,” she said, “has been insisting that I marry a man I do not + love, and things have come to such a point that I must either accede or + take things into my own hands. I agreed to elope this evening with the man + I love, for he had long wished me to elope with him. I was to meet him + outside his house at exactly one-fifteen o'clock, and I told him that if I + was not there promptly he might know I had changed my mind. When the time + came for me to hasten to him in my automobile, which was then to hurry us + to a waiting minister, my automobile was not here. Unfortunately I did not + know my lover's address, for I had left it in the card pocket in this + automobile. I knew not what to do. As the time passed and my automobile + did not appear I knew that my lover had decided that I was not coming, and + had gone away into his house. Now I cannot go home, for I have no home. I + cannot so lower my pride as to ring the bell of his house and say I wish + to be forgiven and married even yet. What shall I do?” + </p> + <p> + For answer I felt in the card pocket of the automobile and drew out the + address of her lover, and without hesitation I gave the address to the + chauffeur. In a few minutes we were there. Leaving the young woman in the + car with the poor woman, I got out and surveyed the house. It was + unpromising. Evidently all the family but the young man were away for the + summer, and the doors and windows were all boarded up. There was not a + bell to ring. I pounded on the boards that covered the door, but it was + unavailing. The young woman called to me that the young man lived in the + front room of the topmost floor, and could not hear me, and I glanced up + and saw that one window alone of all those in the house was not boarded + up. Instantly I hopped upon the seat beside the driver and said, “Central + Park.” + </p> + <p> + We dashed up Fifth Avenue and into the Park at full speed, and when we + were what I considered far enough in I ordered him to stop, and hurrying + up a low bank I began to grope among the leaves of last year under the + trees. I was right. In a few minutes I had filled my pockets with acorns, + was back in the car, and we were hurrying toward the house of the lover, + when I saw standing on a corner a figure I instantly recognized as Lemuel, + the elevator boy, and at the same time I remembered that Lemuel spent his + holidays pitching for a ball nine, He was just the man I needed, and I + stopped and made him get into the car. In a minute more we were before the + house again, and I handed Lemuel a fistful of acorns. He drew back and + threw them with all his strength toward the upper window. + </p> + <p> + My dear, will you believe it? Those acorns were wormy! They were light. + They would not carry to the window, but scattered like bits of chips when + they had travelled but half-way. I was upset, but Lemuel was not. He + ordered the chauffeur to drive to lower Sixth Avenue with all speed, in + order that he might get a baseball. With this he said he could hit any + mark, and we had started in that direction when, passing a restaurant on + Broadway, I saw emerge Henry and Madge. + </p> + <p> + “Better far,” I said to myself, “put this young woman in charge of her + brother and his new wife than leave her to elope alone,” and I made the + chauffeur draw up beside them. Hastily I explained the situation, and + where we were going at that moment, and Henry and Madge laughed in unison. + </p> + <p> + “Madge,” said Henry, “we had no trouble making wormy acorns travel through + the air, had we?” And both laughed again. At this I made them get into the + automobile, and while we returned to the lover's house I made them + explain. It was very simple, and I had just tied a dozen acorns tightly in + my handkerchief, making a ball to throw at the window, when the poor woman + with the baby noticed that the window was partly open. I asked Lemuel if + he could throw straight enough to throw the handkerchief-ball into the + window, and he said he could, and took the handkerchief, but a brighter + idea came to me, and I turned to the eloping young lady. + </p> + <p> + “Let me have your handkerchief, if it has your initials on it,” I said; + “for when he sees that fall into his room he will know you are here. He + will not think you are forward, coming to him alone, for he will know you + could never have thrown the handkerchief, even if loaded with acorns, to + such a height. It will be your message to him.” + </p> + <p> + At this, which I do pride myself was a suggestion worthy of myself, all + were delighted, and while I modestly tied twelve acorns in the + handkerchief on which were the initials “T. M. C.,” all the others + cheered. Even the woman from whom I had received the three auburn-red + curls cheered, and the baby that was half-filled out of the patent + nursing-bottle crowed with joy. But the chauffeur honked his honker. + Lemuel took the handkerchief full of acorns in his hand and drew back his + famous left arm, when suddenly Theodora Mitchell Corwin—for that was + the eloping young lady's name—shrieked, and looking up we saw her + lover at the window. He gave an answering yell and disappeared, and Lemuel + let his left arm fall and handed me the handkerchief-ball. + </p> + <p> + In the excitement I dropped it into my pocket, and it was not until I was + on the car for Westcote that I discovered it, and then, not wishing to be + any later in getting home, I did not go back to give it to Theodora + Mitchell Corwin; in fact, I did not know where she had eloped to. Nor + could I give it to Madge or Henry, for they had gone on their wedding + journey as soon as they saw Theodora and her lover safely eloped. + </p> + <p> + I had no right to give it to the poor woman with the baby, even if she had + not immediately disappeared into her world of poverty, and it certainly + did not belong to Lemuel, nor could I have given it to him, for he took + the ten dollars the lover gave him and stayed out so late that he was late + to work this morning and was discharged. He said he was going back to + Texas. So I brought the handkerchief and the twelve acorns home, knowing + you would be interested in hearing their story. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Billings had thus finished his relation of the happenings of his + long evening, Mrs. Billings was thoughtful for a minute. Then she said: + </p> + <p> + “But Rollin, when I spoke to you of the handkerchief and the twelve acorns + you blushed, and said you had reason to blush. I see nothing in this kind + action you did to cause a blush.” + </p> + <p> + “I blushed,” said Mr. Billings, “to think of the lie I was going to tell + Theodora Merrill Corwin—” + </p> + <p> + “I thought you said her name was Theodora Mitchell Corwin,” said Mrs. + Billings. + </p> + <p> + “Mitchell or Merill,” said Mr. Billings. “I cannot remember exactly + which.” + </p> + <p> + For several minutes Mrs. Billings was silent. Occasionally she would open + her mouth as if to ask a question, but each time she closed it again + without speaking. Mr. Billings sat regarding his wife with what, in a man + of less clear conscience, might be called anxiety. At length Mrs. Billings + put her sewing into her sewing-basket and arose. + </p> + <p> + “Rollin,” she said, “I have enjoyed hearing you tell your experiences + greatly. I can say but one thing: Never in your life have you deceived me. + And you have not deceived me now.” + </p> + <p> + For half an hour after this Mr. Billings sat alone, thinking. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + </h2> + <p> + When our new suburban house was completed I took Sarah out to see it, and + she liked it all but the stairs. + </p> + <p> + “Edgar,” she said, when she had ascended to the second floor, “I don't + know whether it is imagination or not, but it seems to me that these + stairs are funny, some way. I can't understand it. They are not a long + flight, and they are not unusually steep, but they seem to be unusually + wearying. I never knew a short flight to tire me so, and I have climbed + many flights in the six years we have lived in flats.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps, Sarah,” I said, with mild dissimulation, “you are unusually + tired to-day.” + </p> + <p> + The fact was that I had planned those stairs myself, and for a particular + reason I had made the rise of each step three inches more than the + customary height, and in this way I had saved two steps. I had also made + the tread of the steps unusually narrow; and the reason was that I had + found, from long experience, that stair carpet wears first on the tread of + the steps, where the foot falls. By making the steps tall enough to save + two, and by making the tread narrow, I reduced the wear on the carpet to a + minimum. I believe in economy where it is possible. For the same reason I + had the stair banisters made wide, with a saddle-like top to the newel + post, to tempt my son and daughter to slide downstairs. The less they used + the stairs the longer the carpet would last. + </p> + <p> + I need hardly say that Sarah has a fear of burglars; most women have. As + for myself, I prefer not to meet a burglar. It is all very well to get up + in the night and prowl about with a pistol in one hand, seeking to + eliminate the life of a burglar, and some men may like it; but I am of a + very excitable nature, and I am sure that if I did find a burglar and + succeeded in shooting him, I should be in such an excited state that I + could not sleep again that night—and no man can afford to lose his + night's rest. + </p> + <p> + There are other objections to shooting a burglar in the house, and these + objections apply with double force when the house and its furnishings are + entirely new. Although some of the rugs in our house were red, not all of + them were; and I had no guarantee that if I shot a burglar he would lie + down on a red rug to bleed to death. A burglar does not consider one's + feelings, and would be quite as apt to bleed on a green rug, and spoil it, + as not. Until burglarizing is properly regulated and burglars are + educated, as they should be, in technical burglary schools, we cannot hope + that a shot burglar will staunch his wound until he can find a red rug to + lie down on. + </p> + <p> + And there are still other objections to shooting a burglar. If all + burglars were fat, one of these would be removed; but perhaps a thin + burglar might get in front of my revolver, and in that case the bullet + would be likely to go right through him and continue on its way, and + perhaps break a mirror or a cut-glass dish. I am a thin man myself, and if + a burglar shot at me he might damage things in the same way. + </p> + <p> + I thought all these things over when we decided to build in the suburbs, + for Sarah is very nervous about burglars, and makes me get up at the + slightest noise and go poking about. Only the fact that no burglar had + ever entered our flat at night had prevented what might have been a + serious accident to a burglar, for I made it a rule, when Sarah wakened me + on such occasions, to waste no time, but to go through the rooms as + hastily as possible and get back to bed; and at the speed I travelled I + might have bumped into a burglar in the dark and knocked him over, and his + head might have struck some hard object, causing concussion of the brain; + and as a burglar has a small brain a small amount of concussion might have + ruined it entirely. But as I am a slight man it might have been my brain + that got concussed. A father of a family has to think of these things. + </p> + <p> + The nervousness of Sarah regarding burglars had led me in this way to + study the subject carefully, and my adoption of jet-black pajamas as + nightwear was not due to cowardice on my part. I properly reasoned that if + a burglar tried to shoot me while I was rushing around the house after him + in the darkness, a suit of black pajamas would somewhat spoil his aim, + and, not being able to see me, he would not shoot at all. In this way I + should save Sarah the nerve shock that would follow the explosion of a + pistol in the house. For Sarah was very much more afraid of pistols than + of burglars. I am sure there were only two reasons why I had never killed + a burglar with a pistol: one was that no burglar had ever entered our + flat, and the other was that I never had a pistol. + </p> + <p> + But I knew that one is much less protected in a suburb than in town, and + when I decided to build I studied the burglar protection matter most + carefully. I said nothing to Sarah about it, for fear it would upset her + nerves, but for months I considered every method that seemed to have any + merit, and that would avoid getting a burglar's blood—or mine—spattered + around on our new furnishings. I desired some method by which I could + finish up a burglar properly without having to leave my bed, for although + Sarah is brave enough in sending me out of bed to catch a burglar, I knew + she must suffer severe nerve strain during the time I was wandering about + in the dark. Her objection to explosives had also to be considered, and I + really had to exercise my brain more than common before I hit upon what I + may now consider the only perfect method of handling burglars. + </p> + <p> + Several things coincided to suggest my method. One of these was Sarah's + foolish notion that our silver must, every night, be brought from the + dining-room and deposited under our bed. This I considered a most + foolhardy tempting of fate. It coaxed any burglar who ordinarily would + have quietly taken the silver from the dining-room and have then gone away + peacefully, to enter our room. The knowledge that I lay in bed ready at + any time to spring out upon him would make him prepare his revolver, and + his nervousness might make him shoot me, which would quite upset Sarah's + nerves. I told Sarah so, but she had a hereditary instinct for bringing + the silver to the bedroom, and insisted. I saw that in the suburban house + this, would be continued as “bringing the silver upstairs,” and a trial of + my carpet-saving stairs suggested to me my burglar-defeating plan. I had + the apparatus built into the house, and I had the house planned to agree + with the apparatus. + </p> + <p> + For several months after we moved into the house I had no burglars, but I + felt no fear of them in any event. I was prepared for them. + </p> + <p> + In order not to make Sarah nervous, I explained to her that my invention + of a silver-elevator was merely a time-saving device. From the top of the + dining-room sideboard I ran upright tracks through the ceiling to the back + of the hall above, and in these I placed a glass case, which could be run + up and down the tracks like a dumbwaiter. All our servant had to do when + she had washed the silver was to put it in the glass case, and I had + attached to the top of the case a stout steel cable which ran to the + ceiling of the hall above, over a pulley, and so to our bedroom, which was + at the front of the hall upstairs. By this means I could, when I was in + bed, pull the cable, and the glass case of silver would rise to the second + floor. Our bedroom door opened upon the hall, and from the bed I could see + the glass case; but in order that I might be sure that the silver was + there I put a small electric light in the case and kept it burning all + night. Sarah was delighted with this arrangement, for in the morning all I + had to do was to pay out the steel cable and the silver would descend to + the dining-room, and the maid could have the table all set by the time + breakfast was ready. Not once did Sarah have a suspicion that all this was + not merely a household economy, but my burglar trap. + </p> + <p> + On the sixth of August, at two o'clock in the morning, Sarah awakened me, + and I immediately sat straight up in bed. There was an undoubtable noise + of sawing, and I knew at once that a burglar was entering our home. Sarah + was trembling, and I knew she was getting nervous, but I ordered her to + remain calm. + </p> + <p> + “Sarah,” I said, in a whisper, “be calm! There is not the least danger. I + have been expecting this for some time, and I only hope the burglar has no + dependent family or poor old mother to support. Whatever happens, be calm + and keep perfectly quiet.” + </p> + <p> + With that I released the steel cable from the head of my bed and let the + glass case full of silver slide noiselessly to the sideboard. + </p> + <p> + “Edgar!” whispered Sarah in agonized tones, “are you giving him our + silver?” + </p> + <p> + “Sarah!” I whispered sternly, “remember what I have just said. Be calm and + keep perfectly quiet.” And I would say no more. + </p> + <p> + In a very short time I heard the window below us open softly, and I knew + the burglar was entering the parlour from the side porch. I counted + twenty, which I had figured would be the time required for him to reach + the dining-room, and then, when I was sure he must have seen the silver + shining in the glass case, I slowly pulled on the steel cable and raised + case and silver to the hall above. Sarah began to whisper to me, but I + silenced her. + </p> + <p> + What I had expected happened. The burglar, seeing the silver rise through + the ceiling, left the dining-room and went into the hall. There, from the + foot of the stairs, he could see the case glowing in the hall above, and + without hesitation he mounted the stairs. As he reached the top I had a + good view of him, for he was silhouetted against the light that glowed + from the silver case. He was a most brutal looking fellow of the + prize-fighting type, but I almost laughed aloud when I saw his build. He + was short and chunky. As he stepped forward to grasp the silver case, I + let the steel cable run through my fingers, and the case and its precious + contents slid noiselessly down to the dining-room. For only one instant + the burglar seemed disconcerted, then he turned and ran downstairs again. + </p> + <p> + This time I did not wait so long to draw up the silver. I hardly gave him + time to reach the dining-room door before I jerked the cable, and the case + was glowing in the upper hall. The burglar immediately stopped, turned, + and mounted the stairs, but just as he reached the top I let the silver + slide down again, and he had to turn and descend. Hardly had he reached + the bottom step before I had the silver once more in the upper hall. + </p> + <p> + The burglar was a gritty fellow and was not to be so easily defeated. With + some word which I could not catch, but which I have no doubt was profane, + or at least vulgar, he dashed up the stairs, and just as his hand touched + the case I let the silver drop to the dining-room. I smiled as I saw his + next move. He carefully removed his coat and vest, rolled up his sleeves, + and took off his collar. This evidently meant that he intended to get the + silver if it took the whole night, and nothing could have pleased me more. + I lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking with suppressed laughter, and + had to stuff a corner of a pillow in my mouth to smother the sound of my + mirth. I did not allow the least pity for the unfortunate fellow to weaken + my nerve. + </p> + <p> + A low, long screech from the hall told me that I had a man of uncommon + brain to contend with, for I knew the sound came from his hands drawing + along the banister, and that to husband his strength and to save time, he + was sliding down. But this did not disconcert me. It pleased me. The + quicker he went down, the oftener he would have to walk up. + </p> + <p> + For half an hour I played with him, giving him just time to get down to + the foot of the stairs before I raised the silver, and just time to reach + the top before I lowered it, and then I grew tired of the sport—for + it was nothing else to me—and decided to finish him off. I was + getting sleepy, but it was evident that the burglar was not, and I was a + little afraid I might fall asleep and thus defeat myself. The burglar had + that advantage because he was used to night work. So I quickened my + movements a little. When the burglar slid down I gave him just time to see + the silver rise through the ceiling, and when he climbed the stairs I only + allowed him to see it descend through the floor. In this way I made him + double his pace, and as I quickened my movements I soon had him dashing up + the stairs and sliding down again as if for a wager. I did not give him a + moment for rest, and he was soon panting terribly and beginning to + stumble; but with almost superhuman nerve he kept up the chase. He was an + unusually tough burglar. + </p> + <p> + But quick as he was I was always quicker, and a glimpse of the glowing + case was all I let him have at either end of his climb or slide. No sooner + was he down than it was up, and no sooner was the case up than he was up + after it. In this way I kept increasing his speed until it was something + terrific, and the whole house shook, like an automobile with a very + powerful motor. But still his speed increased. I saw then that I had + brought him to the place I had prepared for, where he had but one object + in life, and that was to beat the case up or down stairs; and as I was now + so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did what I had intended to + do from the first. I lowered the case until it was exactly between the + ceiling of the dining-room and the floor of the hall above—and + turned out the electric light. I then tied the steel cable securely to the + head of my bed, turned over, and went to sleep, lulled by the shaking of + the house as the burglar dashed up and down the stairs. + </p> + <p> + Just how long this continued I do not know, for my sleep was deep and + dreamless, but I should judge that the burglar ran himself to death + sometime between half-past three and a quarter after four. So great had + been his efforts that when I went to remove him I did not recognize him at + all. When I had seen him last in the glow of the glass silver case he had + been a stout, chunky fellow, and now his remains were those of an + emaciated man. He must have run off one hundred and twenty pounds of flesh + before he gave out. + </p> + <p> + Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our silver consisted of but half a + dozen each of knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, and a sugar + spoon, all plated, and worth probably five dollars, and to save this I had + made the burglar wear to rags a Wilton stair carpet worth twenty-nine + dollars. But I have now corrected this. I have bought fifty dollars worth + of silver. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Water Goats and Other Troubles, by +Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES *** + +***** This file should be named 1285-h.htm or 1285-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/1285/ + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Water Goats and Other Troubles + +Author: Ellis Parker Butler + +Posting Date: September 17, 2008 [EBook #1285] +Release Date: April, 1998 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES *** + + + + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + +By Ellis Parker Butler + + +By The Same Author + + Pigs is Pigs + + The Great American Pie Company + + Mike Flannery On Duty and off + + The Thin Santa Claus + + That Pup, Kilo, etc. + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + + + +CONTENTS + +I. THE WATER GOATS II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + + + +I. THE WATER GOATS + + +"And then," said the landscape gardener, combing his silky, pointed +beard gently with his long, artistic fingers, "in the lake you might +have a couple of gondolas. Two would be sufficient for a lake of this +size; amply sufficient. Yes," he said firmly, "I would certainly advise +gondolas. They look well, and the children like to ride on them. And so +do the adults. I would have two gondolas in the lake." + +Mayor Dugan and the City Council, meeting as a committee of the whole +to receive the report of the landscape gardener and his plan for the new +public park, nodded their heads sagely. + +"Sure!" said Mayor Dugan. "We want two of thim--of thim gon--thim gon--" + +"Gondolas," said the landscape gardener. "Sure!" said Mayor Dugan, "we +want two of thim. Remimber th' gondolas, Toole." + +"I have thim fast in me mind," said Toole. "I will not let thim git +away, Dugan." + +The landscape gardener stood a minute in deep thought, looking at the +ceiling. + +"Yes, that is all!" he said. "My report, and the plan, and what I have +mentioned, will be all you need." + +Then he shook hands with the mayor and with all the city councilmen +and left Jeffersonville forever, going back to New York where landscape +gardeners grow, and the doors were opened and the committee of the whole +became once more the regular meeting of the City Council. + +The appropriation for the new park was rushed through in twenty minutes, +passing the second and third readings by the reading of the title under +a suspension of the by-laws, and being unanimously adopted. It was a +matter of life and death with Mayor Dugan and his ring. Jeffersonville +was getting tired of the joyful grafters, and murmurs of discontent +were concentrating into threats of a reform party to turn the +cheerful rascals out. The new park was to be a sop thrown to the +populace--something to make the city proud of itself and grateful to its +mayor and council. It was more than a pet scheme of Mayor Dugan, it +was a lifeboat for the ring. In half an hour the committees had been +appointed, and the mayor turned to the regular business. Then from his +seat at the left of the last row little Alderman Toole arose. + +"Misther Mayor," he said, "how about thim--thim don--thim don--Golas!" +whispered Alderman Grevemeyer hoarsely, "dongolas." + +"How about thim dongolas, Misther Mayor?" asked Alderman Toole. + +"Sure!" said the mayor. "Will annyone move that we git two dongolas t' +put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on? Will annyone move that Alderman +Toole be a conmittee of wan t' git two dongolas t' put in th' lake?" + +"I make dot motions," said Alderman Greveneyer, half raising his great +bulk from his seat and sinking back with a grunt. + +"Sicond th' motion," said Alderman Toole. + +"Moved and siconded," said the mayor, "that Alderman Toole be a +committee t' buy two dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride +on. Ye have heard th' motion." + +The motion was unanimously carried. That was the kind of City Council +Mayor Dugan had chosen. + +When little Alderman Toole dropped into Casey's saloon that night on his +way home he did not slip meekly to the far end of the bar, as he usually +did. For the first time in his aldermanic career he had been put on a +committee where he would really have something to do, and he felt +the honour. He boldly took a place between the big mayor and Alderman +Grevemeyer, and said: "One of th' same, Casey," with the air of a man +who has matters of importance on his mind. He felt that things were +coming his way. Even the big mayor seemed to appreciate it, for he put +his hand affectionately on Toole's shoulder. + +"Mike," said the mayor, "about thim dongolas, now; have ye thought anny +about where ye would be gettin' thim?" + +"I have not," said Toole. "I was thinkin' 'twould be good t' think it +over a bit, Dugan. Mebby 'twould be best t' git thim at Chicagy." He +looked anxiously at the mayor's face, hoping for some sign of approval +or disapproval, but the mayor's face was noncommittal. "But mebby it +wouldn't," concluded Toole. As a feeler he added: "Would ye be wantin' +me t' have thim made here, Dugan?" + +The big mayor patted Toole on the shoulder indulgently. + +"It's up t' you, Mike," he said. "Ye know th' way Dugan does things, an' +th' way he likes thim done. I trust thim that I kin trust, an' whin I +put a man on committee I'm done wid th' thing. Of coorse," he added, +putting his mouth close to Toole's ear, and winking at Grevemeyer, "ye +will see that there is a rake-off for me an' th' byes." + +"Sure!" said Toole. + +The big mayor turned back to the bar and took a drink from his glass. +Grevemeyer took a drink from his glass, also. So did Toole, gravely. +Dugan wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and turned to Toole again. + +"Mike," he said, "what do ye think? Mebby 'twould do as well t' git a +couple of sicond-hand dongolas an' have thim painted up. If they was in +purty good shape no wan would know th' difference, an' 'twould make a +bit more rake-off fer th' byes, mebby." + +"Th' same word was on th' ind o' me tongue, Dugan," said Toole, nodding +his head slowly. "I was considerin' this very minute where I could lay +me hand on a couple of purty good dongolas that has not been used much. +Flannagan could paint thim up fine!" + +"Or Stoltzenau could do such paintings," interposed Grevemeyer. + +"Sure!" agreed the big mayor. He toyed with his glass a moment. "Mike," +he said suddenly, "what th' divil is a dongola, anyhow?" + +Mike Toole was just raising his glass to his lips with the movements of +one accustomed to hold conversation with the mayor. His left hand rested +on his hip, with his arm akimbo, and his hat was tipped carelessly to +the back of his head. The hand raising his glass stopped short where it +was when he heard the mayor's question. He frowned at the glass--scowled +at it angrily. + +"A dongola, Dugan"--he said slowly, and stopped. "A dongola"--he +repeated. "A dongola--did ye ask me what a dongola might be, Dugan?" + +The big mayor nodded, and Grevemeyer leaned forward to catch the answer. +Casey, too, leaned on his bar and listened. Alderman Toole raised his +glass to his lips and filled his mouth with the liquor. Instantly he +dashed the glass furiously to the floor. He jerked off his hat and cast +it into a far corner and pulled off his coat, throwing it after his hat. +He was climbing on to the bar when the big mayor and Grevemeyer laid +their hands on the little man and held him tightly. The big mayor shook +him once and set him on the floor. + +"Mike!" said the big mayor. "What's th' matter wid ye? What are ye goin' +afther Casey that way for? Is it crazy ye are? Or have ye gone insane?" + +"Knock-out drops!" shouted Toole, shaking his fist at Casey, who looked +down at him in astonishment. "Knock-out drops! I will have th' law on +ye, Casey. I will have th' joint closed! I'll teach ye t' be givin' +knock-out drops t' th' aldermin of th' city!" + +"Mike!" cried the big mayor, giving him another vigorous shake. "Shut up +wid ye! Casey wouldn't be givin' ye annything that wasn't good for ye. +Casey wouldn't be givin' ye knock-out drops." + +"No?" whispered Mike angrily. "No? Wouldn't he, Dugan? An' what has he +done t' me mimory, then, Dugan? What has he put in th' drink t' rob +me of me mimory? Wan minute ago I knew as well anny other man what a +dongola is like, an' now I have no mimory of anny dongolas at all. Wan +minute ago I could have told ye th' whole history of dongolas, from th' +time of Adam up till now, an' have drawed a picture of wan that annywan +could recognize--an' now I wouldn't know wan if ye was show it t' me! I +was about t' tell ye th' whole history of dongolas, Dugan; 'twas on th' +ind of me tongue t' give ye a talk on dongolas, whin I took a drink. Ye +saw me take a drink, Grevemeyer?" + +"Ya!" said Grevemeyer, nodding his head solemnly. "You took such a +drink!" + +"Sure," said Toole, arranging his vest. "Grevemeyer saw me take th' +drink--an now I have no mimory of dongolas at all. If ye was t' show me +a chromo of wan I wouldn't know was it a dongola or what. I'm ashamed of +ye, Casey!" + +"If ye done it, Casey, ye hadn't have ought t' have done it," said Dugan +reprovingly. "Th' mind of him might be ruined intirely." + +"Stop, Dugan!" said Toole hastily. "I forgive him. Me mind will likely +be all right by mornin'. 'Tis purty good yit, ixcipt on th' subjict of +dongolas. I'm timporarily out of remimbrance what dongolas is. 'Tis odd +how thim knock-out drops works, Grevemeyer." + +"Ya!" said the alderman unsuspectingly, "gifing such a forgetfulness on +such easy things as dongolas." + +"Sure! You tell Dugan what dongolas is, Grevemeyer," said Toole quickly. + +Grevemeyer looked at his glass thoughtfully. His mind worked slowly +always, but he saw that it would not do for him to have knock-out drops +so soon after Toole. + +"Ach!" he exclaimed angrily. "You are insulting to me mit such questions +Toole. So much will I tell you--never ask Germans what is dongolas. It +is not for Germans to talk about such things. Ask Casey." + +Casey scratched his head thoughtfully. + +"Dongolas?" he repeated. "I have heard th' word, Grevemeyer. Wait a bit! +'Tis something about shoes. Sure! I remimber, now! 'Twas dongola shoes +wan of me kids had, last winter, an' no good they were, too. Dongolas is +shoes, Grevemeyer--laced shoes--dongolas is laced shoes." + +The big mayor leaned his head far back and laughed long and loud. He +pounded on the bar with his fist, and slapped Toole on the back. + +"Laced shoes!" he cried, wiping his eyes, and then he became suddenly +serious. "'Twould not be shoes, Casey," he said gravely. "Thim dongolas +was ricomminded by th' landscape-gardener from New Yorrk. 'Twould not be +sinsible t' ricommind us put a pair of laced shoes in th' park lake fer +th' kids t' ride on." + +"'Twould not seem so," said Toole, shaking his head wisely. "I wisht me +mind was like it always is. 'Tis a pity--" + +"Stop!" cried Casey. "I have it! Thim was kid shoes. Thim dongolas was +kid shoes." + +"So said, Casey," said Duo'an "For th' kid." + +"No," said Casey, "of th' kid." + +"Sure!" said Gravemeyer. "So it is--the shoes of the child." + +"Right fer ye!" exclaimed Casey. "Th' kid shoes of th' kid. 'Twas kid +leather they were made out of, Dugan. Th' dongola is some fancy kind +of a goat. Like box-calf is th' skin of th' calf of th' box-cow. Th' +dongola is some foreign kind of a goat, Dugan." + +"Ho, ho-o-o!" cried Toole, suddenly, knocking on his forehead with +the knuckles of his fist. The three men turned their eyes upon him and +stared. + +"What ails ye now, Mike?" asked Dugan, disgustedly. + +"Ho-o-o!" he cried again, slapping himself on the top of his head. "Me +mind is comm' back t' me, Dugan! Th' effects of th' knock-out drops is +wearin' off! I recall now that th' dongola is some fancy kind of a goat. +'Twill all come back t' me soon. + +"Go along wid ye!" exclaimed Dugan. "Would ye be puttin' a goat in th' +lake for th' kids t' ride on?" + +"Sure!" said Toole enthusiastically. "Sure I would, Dugan. Not th' +common goat I wouldn't. But dongola goats I would. Have ye heard of +dongola water goats, Casey? Was thim dongola goat skin shoes warranted +t' be water-proof?" + +Casey wrinkled his brow. + +"'Tis like they was, Toole," he said doubtfully. "'Tis like they was +warranted t' be, but they wasn't." + +"Sure!" cried Toole joyously. "'Tis water-proof th' skin of th' dongola +water goats is, like th' skin of th' duck. An' swim? A duck isn't in it +wid a water goat. I remimber seein' thim in ould Ireland whin I was +a bye, Dugan, swimmin in th' lake of Killarney. Ah, 'twas a purty +picture." + +"I seem t' remimber thim mesilf," he said. "Not clear, but a bit." + +"Sure ye do!" cried Toole. "Many's the time I have rode across th' lake +on th' back of a dongola. Me own father, who was a big man in th' ould +country, used t' keep a pair of thim for us childer. 'Twas himself +fetched thim from Donnegal, Dugan. 'Twas from Donnegal they got th' name +of thim, an' 'twas th' name ye give thim that misled me. Donnegoras +was what we called thim in th' ould counry--donnegoras from Donnegal. I +remimber th' two of thim I had whin I was a kid, Dugan--wan was a Nanny, +an' wan was a Billy, an'--" + +"Go on home, Mike," said Dugan. "Go on home an' sleep it off!" and the +little alderman from the Fourth Ward picked up his hat and coat, and +obeyed his orders. + +Instituting a new public park and seeing that in every purchase and +every contract there is a rake-off for the ring is a big job, and +between this and the fight against the rapidly increasing strength of +the reform party, Mayor Dugan had his hands more than full. He had no +time to think of dongolas, and he did not want to think of them--Toole +was the committee on dongolas, and it was his duty to think of them, +and to worry about them, if any worry was necessary. But Toole did not +worry. He sat down and wrote a letter to his cousin Dennis, official +keeper of the zoo in Idlewild Park at Franklin, Iowa. + + +"Dear Dennis," he wrote. "Have you any dongola goats in your menagery +for I want two right away good strong ones answer right away your +affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole." + +"Ps monny no object." + + +When Dennis Toole received this letter he walked through his zoo and +considered his animals thoughtfully. The shop-worn brown bear would not +do to fill cousin Mike's order; neither would the weather-worn red deer +nor the family of variegated tame rabbits. The zoo of Idlewild Park at +Franklin was woefully short of dongola goats--in fact, to any but the +most imaginative and easily pleased child, it was lacking in nearly +every thing that makes a zoo a congress of the world's most rare and +thrilling creatures. After all, the nearest thing to a goat was a goat, +and goats were plenty in Franklin. Dennis felt an irresistible longing +to aid Mike--the longing that comes to any healthy man when a request +is accompanied by the legend "Money no object." He wrote that evening to +Mike. + + +"Dear Mike," he wrote. "I've got two good strong dongola goats I can let +you have cheap. I'm overstocked with dongolas to-day. I want to get rid +of two. Zoo is getting too crowded with all kinds of animals and I +don't need so many dongola goats. I will sell you two for fifty dollars. +Apiece. What do you want them for? Your affectionate cousin, Dennis +Toole, Zoo keeper. PS. Crates extra." + + +"Casey," said Mike to his friend the saloon keeper when he received this +communication, "'tis just as I told ye--dongolas is goats. I have +been corrispondin' with wan of th' celibrated animal men regardin' th' +dongola water goat, an' I have me eye on two of thim this very minute. +But 'twill be ixpinsive, Casey, mighty ixpinsive. Th' dongola water +goat is a rare birrd, Casey. They have become extinct in th' lakes +of Ireland, an' what few of thim is left in th' worrld is held at +outrajeous prices. In th' letter I have from th' animal man, Casey, he +wants two hundred dollars apiece for each dongola water goat, an' 'twill +be no easy thing for him t' git thim." + +"Hasn't he thim in his shop, Mike?" asked Casey. + +"He has not, Casey," said the little alderman. "He has no place for +thim. Cages he has, an' globes for goldfish, an' birrd cages, but th' +size of th' shop l'aves no room for an aquarium, Casey. He has no tank +for the preservation of water goats. Hippopotamuses an' alligators an' +crocodiles an' dongola water goats an' sea lions he does not keep in +stock, Casey, but sinds out an' catches thim whin ordered. He writes +that his agints has their eyes on two fine dongolas, an' he has +tiligraphed thim t' catch thim." + +"Are they near by, Mike?" asked Casey, much interested. + +"Naw," said Toole. "'Twill be some time till I git thim. Th' last he +heard of thim they were swimmin' in th' Lake of Geneva." + +"Is it far, th' lake?" asked Casey. + +"I disremimber how far," said Toole. "'Tis in Africa or Asia, or mebby +'tis in Constantinople. Wan of thim countries it is, annyhow." + +But to his cousin Dennis he wrote: + + +"Dear Dennis--I will take them two dongolas. Crate them good and solid. +Do not send them till I tell you. Send the bill to me. Your affectionate +cousin alderman Michael Toole. Ps Make bill for two hundred dollars a +piece. Business is business. This is between us two. M. T." + + +A Keeper of the Water Goats had been selected with the utmost care, +combining in the choice practical politics with a sense of fitness. +Timothy Fagan was used to animals--for years he had driven a dumpcart. +He was used to children--he had ten or eleven of his own. And he +controlled several votes in the Fourth Ward. His elevation from the +dump-cart of the street cleaning department to the high office of +Keeper of the Water Goats was one that Dugan believed would give general +satisfaction. + +When the goats arrived in Jeffersonville the two heavy crates were +hauled to Alderman Toole's back yard to await the opening of the park, +and there Mayor Dugan and Goat Keeper Fagan came to inspect them. +Alderman Toole led the way to them with pride, and Mayor Dugan's creased +brow almost uncreased as he bent down and peered between the bars of the +crates. They were fine goats. Perhaps they looked somewhat more dejected +than a goat usually looks--more dirty and down at the heels than a goat +often looks--but they were undoubtedly goats. As specimens of ordinary +Irish goats they might not have passed muster with a careful buyer, but +no doubt they were excellent examples of the dongola. + +"Ye have done good, Mike," said the mayor. "Ye have done good! But ain't +they mebby a bit off their feed--or something?" + +"Off their feed!" said Toole. "An' who wouldn't be, poor things? Mind +ye, Dugan, thim is not common goats--thim is dongolas--an' used to bein' +in th' wather con-continuous from mornin' till night. 'Tis sufferin' for +a swim they be, poor animals. Wance let thim git in th' lake an' ye will +see th' difference, Dugan. 'Twill make all th' difference in th' worrld +t' thim. 'Tis dyin' for a swim they are." + +"Sure!" said the Keeper of the Water Goats. "Ye have done good, Mike," +said the mayor again. "Thim dongolas will be a big surprise for th' +people." + +They were. They surprised the Keeper of the Goats first of all. The day +before the park was to be opened to the public the goats were taken to +the park and turned over to their official keeper. At eleven +o'clock that morning Alderman Toole was leaning against Casey's bar, +confidentially pouring into his ear the story of how the dongolas had +given their captors a world of trouble, swimming violently to the far +reaches of Lake Geneva and hiding among the bulrushes and reeds, when +the swinging door of the saloon was banged open and Tim Fagan rushed in. +He was mad. He was very mad, but he was a great deal wetter than mad. He +looked as if he had been soaked in water over night, and not wrung out +in the morning. + +"Mike!" he whispered hoarsely, grasping the little alderman by the arm. +"I want ye! I want ye down at th' park." + +A chill of fear passed over Alderman Toole. He turned his face to Fagan +and laid his hand on his shoulder. + +"Tim," he demanded, "has annything happened t' th' dongolas?" + +"Is annything happened t' th' dongolas!" exclaimed Fagan sarcastically. +"Is annything wrong with thim water goats? Oh, no, Toole! Nawthin' +has gone wrong with thim! Only they won't go into th' wather, Mike! Is +annything gone wrong with thim, did ye say? Nawthin'! They be in good +health, but they are not crazy t' be swimmin'. Th' way they do not +hanker t' dash into th' water is marvellous, Mike. No water for thim!" + +"Hist!" said Toole uneasily, glancing around to see that no one but +Casey was in hearing. "Mebby ye have not started thim right, Tim." + +"Mebby not," said Fagan angrily. "Mebby I do not know how t' start th' +water goat, Toole! Mebby there is one way unbeknownst t' me. If so, I +have not tried it. But th' forty-sivin other ways I have tried, an' th' +goats will not swim. I have started thim backwards an' I have started +thim frontwards, an' I have took thim in by th' horns an' give thim +lessons t' swim, an' they will not swim! I have done me duty by thim, +Mike, an' I have wrastled with thim, an' rolled in th' lake with thim. +Was it t' be swimmin' teacher t' water goats ye got me this job for?" + +"Hist!" said Toole again. "Not so loud, Tim! Ye haven't told Dugan have +ye?" + +"I have not!" said Tim, with anger. "I have not told annybody annything +excipt thim goats an' what I told thim is not dacint hearin'. I have +conversed with thim in strong language, an' it done no good. No swimmin' +for thim! Come on down an' have a chat with thim yersilf, Toole. Come +on down an' argue with thim, an persuade thim with th' soft sound of yer +voice t' swim. Come on down an' git thim water goats used t' th' water." + +"Ye don't understand th' water goat, Tim," said Toole in gentle reproof. +"I will show ye how t' handle him," and he went out, followed by the wet +Keeper of the Water Goats. + +The two water goats stood at the side of the lake, wet and mournful, +tied to two strong stakes. They looked weary and meek, for they had had +a hard morning, but as soon as they saw Tim Fagan they brightened up. +They arose simultaneously on their hind legs and their eyes glittered +with deadly hatred. They strained at their ropes, and then, suddenly, +panic-stricken, they turned and ran, bringing up at the ends of their +ropes with a shock that bent the stout stakes to which they were +fastened. They stood still and cowered, trembling. + +"Lay hold!" commanded Toole. "Lay hold of a horn of th' brute till I +show ye how t' make him swim." + +Through the fresh gravel of the beach the four feet of the reluctant +goat ploughed deep furrows. It shook its head from side to side, but +Toole and Fagan held it fast, and into the water it went. + +"Now!" cried Alderman Toole. "Git behind an' push, Tim! Wan! Two! Three! +Push!" + +Alderman Toole released his hold and Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan +pushed. Then they tried the other goat. It was easier to try the other +water goat than to waste time hunting up the one they had just tried, +for it had gone away. As soon as Alderman Toole let it go, it went. It +seemed to want to get to the other end of the park as soon as possible, +but it did not take the short cut across the lake--it went around. But +it did not mind travel--it went to the farthest part of the park, and it +would have gone farther if it could. So Alderman Toole and Keeper Fagan +tried the other water goat. That one went straight to the other end of +the park. It swerved from a straight line but once, and that was when +it shied at a pail of water that was in the way. It did not seem to like +water. + +In the Franklin Zoo Dennis Toole had just removed the lid of his tin +lunch-pail when the telegraph boy handed him the yellow envelope. He +turned it over and over, studying its exterior, while the boy went to +look at the shop-worn brown bear. The zoo keeper decided that there was +no way to find out what was inside of the envelope but to open it. He +was ready for the worst. He wondered, unthinkingly, which one of his +forty or more cousins was dead, and opened the envelope. + +"Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo," he read, "Dongolas won't swim. How do you +make them swim? Telegraph at once. Michael Toole." + +He laid the telegram across his knees and looked at it as if it was some +strange communication from another sphere. He pushed his hat to one side +of his head and scratched the tuft of red hair thus bared. + +"'Dongolas won't swim!"' he repeated slowly. "An' how do I make thim +swim? I wonder does Cousin Mike take th' goat t' be a fish, or what? +I wonder does he take swimmin' to be wan of th' accomplishments of th' +goat?" He shook his head in puzzlement, and frowned at the telegram. +"Would he be havin' a goat regatta, I wonder, or was he expectin' th' +goat t' be a web-footed animal? 'Won't swim!' he repeated angrily. +'Won't swim!' An' what is it to me if they won't swim? Nayther would +I swim if I was a goat. 'Tis none of me affair if they will not swim. +There was nawthin' said about 'swimmin' goats.' Goats I can give him, +an' dongola goats I can give him, an jumpin' goats, an' climbin' goats, +an' walkin' goats, but 'tis not in me line t'furnish submarine goats. +No, nor goats t' fly up in th' air! Would anny one," he said with +exasperation, "would anny one that got a plain order for goats ixpict t' +have t' furnish goats that would hop up off th' earth an' make a balloon +ascension? 'Tis no fault of Dennis Toole's thim goats won't swim. What +will Mike be telegraphin' me nixt, I wonder? 'Dear Dennis: Th' goats +won't lay eggs. How do ye make thim?' Bye, have ye a piece of paper t' +write an answer t' me cousin Mike on?" + +The Keeper of the Water Goats and Alderman Toole were sitting on a +rustic bench looking sadly at the water goats when the Jeffersonville +telegraph messenger brought them Dennis Toole's answer. Alderman Toole +grasped the envelope eagerly and tore it open, and Fagan leaned over his +shoulder as he read it: + + +"Michael Toole, Alderman, Jeffersonville," they read. "Put them in the +water and see if they will swim. Dennis Toole." + + +"Put thim in th' wather!" exclaimed Alderman Toole angrily. "Why don't +ye put thim in th' wather, Fagan? Why did ye not think t' put thim +in th' wather?" He looked down at his soaking clothes, and his anger +increased. "Why have ye been tryin' t' make thim dongolas swim on land, +Fagan?" he asked sarcastically. "Or have ye been throwin' thim up in th' +air t' see thim swim? Why don't ye put thim in th' wather? Why don't +ye follow th' instructions of th' expert dongola water goat man an' put +thim in th' wather if ye want thim t' swim?" + +Fagan looked at the angry alderman. He looked at the dripping goats. + +"So I did, Mike," he said seriously. "We both of us did." + +"An' did we!" cried Alderman Toole in mock surprise. "Is it possible we +thought t' put thim in th' wather whin we wanted thim t' swim? It was in +me mind that we tied thim to a tree an' played ring-around-a-rosy +with thim t' induce thim t' swim! Where's a pencil? Where's a piece of +paper?" he cried. + +He jerked them from the hand of the messenger boy. The afternoon was +half worn away. Every minute was precious. He wrote hastily and handed +the message to the messenger boy. + +"Fagan," he said, as the boy disappeared down the path at a run, "raise +up yer spirits an come an' give th' water goats some more instructions +in th' ginteel art of swimmin' in th' wather." + +Fagan sighed and arose. He walked toward the dejected water goats, and, +taking the nearest one by the horns yanked it toward the lake. The goat +was too weak to do more than hold back feebly and bleat its disapproval +of another bath. The more lessons in swimming it received the less it +seemed to like to swim. It had developed a positive hatred of swimming. + +Dennis Toole received the second telegram with a savage grin. He had +expected it. He opened it with malicious slowness. + + +"Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo," he read. "Where do you think I put them to +make them swim? They won't swim in the lake. It won't do no good to +us for them to swim on dry land. No fooling, now, how do you make them +dongolas swim? Answer quick. + +"Michael Toole." + + +He did not have to study out his reply, for he had been considering it +ever since he had sent the other telegram. He took a blank from the +boy and wrote the answer. The sun was setting when the Jeffersonville +messenger delivered it to Alderman Toole. + + +"Mike Toole, Jeffersonville," it said. "Quit fooling, yourself. Don't +you know young dongolas are always water-shy at first? Tie them in the +lake and let them soak, and they will learn to swim fast enough. If I +didn't know any more about dongolas than you do I would keep clear of +them. Dennis Toole." + + +"Listen to that now," said Alderman Toole, a smile spreading over his +face. "An' who ever said I knew annything about water goats, anny how? +Th' natural history of th' water goat is not wan of the things usually +considered part of th' iducation of th' alderman from th' Fourth Ward, +Fagan, but 'tis surprised I am that ye did not know th' goat is like th' +soup bean, an' has t' be soaked before usin'. Th' Keeper of th' Water +Goat should know th' habits of th' animal, Fagan. Why did ye not put +thim in to soak in th' first place? I am surprised at ye!" + +"It escaped me mind," said Fagan. "I was thinkin' these was broke t' +swimmin' an' did not need t' be soaked. I wonder how long they should be +soaked, Mike?" + +"'Twill do no harrm t' soak thim over night, anny how," said Toole. +"Over night is th' usual soak given t' th' soup-bean an' th' salt +mackerel, t' say nawthin' of th' codfish an' others of th' water-goat +family. Let th' water goats soak over night, Fagan, an by mornin' they +will be ready t' swim like a trout. We will anchor thim in th' lake, +Fagan--an' we will say nawthin' t' Dugan. 'Twould be a blow t' Dugan +was he t' learn th' dongolas provided fer th' park was young an' +wather-shy." + +They anchored the water goats firmly in the lake, and left them there to +overcome their shyness, which seemed, as Fagan and Toole left them, to +be as great as ever. The goats gazed sadly, and bleated longingly, after +the two men as they disappeared in the dusk, and when the men had passed +entirely out of sight, the goats looked at each other and complained +bitterly. + +Alderman Toole thoughtfully changed his wet clothes for dry ones before +he went to Casey's that evening, for he thought Dugan might be there, +and he was. He was there when Toole arrived, and his brow was black. +He had had a bad day of it. Everything had gone wrong with him and his +affairs. A large lump of his adherents had sloughed off from his party +and had affiliated with his opponents, and the evening opposition paper +had come out with a red-hot article condemning the administration for +reckless extravagance. It had especially condemned Dugan for burdening +the city with new bonds to create an unneeded park, and the whole thing +had ended with a screech of ironic laughter over the--so the editor +called it--fitting capstone of the whole business, the purchase of two +dongola goats at perfectly extravagant prices. + +"Mike," said the big mayor severely, when the little alderman had +offered his greetings, "there is the divil an' all t' pay about thim +dongolas. Th' News is full of thim. 'Twill be th' ind of us all if they +do not pan out well. Have ye tried thim in th' water yet?" + +"Sure!" exclaimed the little alderman with a heartiness he did not feel. +"What has me an' Fagan been doin' all day but tryin' thim? Have no fear +of th' wather goats, Dugan." + +"Do they swim well, Mike?" asked the big mayor kindly, but with a weary +heaviness he did not try to conceal. + +"Swim!" exclaimed Toole. "Did ye say swim, Dugan? Swim is no name for +th' way they rip thro' the wather! 'Twas marvellous t' see thim. Ah, +thim dongolas is wonderful animals! Do ye think we could persuade thim +t' come out whin we wanted t' come home? Not thim, Dugan! 'Twas all me +an' Fagan could do t' pull thim out by main force, an' th' minute we let +go of thim, back they wint into th' wather. 'Twas pitiful t' hear th' +way they bleated t' be let back into th' wather agin, Dugan, so we let +thim stay in for th' night." + +"Ye did not let thim loose in th' lake, Mike?" exclaimed the big mayor. +"Ye did not let thim be so they could git away?" + +"No," said Toole. "No! They'll not git away, Dugan. We anchored thim +fast." + +"Ye done good, Mike," said the big mayor. + +The next morning Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan was down sufficiently +early to drag the bodies of the goats out of the lake long before even +the first citizen was admitted to the park. Alone, and hastily he hid +them in the little tool house, and locked the door on them. Then he went +to find Alderman Toole. He found him in the mayor's office, and beckoned +him to one side. In hot, quick accents he told him the untimely fate of +the dongola water goats, and the mayor--with an eye for everything on +that important day--saw the red face of Alderman Toole grow longer and +redder; saw the look of pain and horror that overspread it. A chilling +fear gripped his own heart. + +"Mike," he said. "What's th' matter with th' dongolas?" + +It was Fagan who spoke, while the little alderman from the Fourth Ward +stood bereft of speech in this awful moment. + +"Dugan," he said, "I have not had much ixperience with th' dongola +wather goat, an' th' ways an' habits of thim is strange t' me, but if I +was t' say what I think, I would say they was over-soaked." + +"Over-soaked, Fagan?" said the mayor crossly. "Talk sense, will ye?" + +"Sure!" said Fagan. "An' over-soaked is what I say. Thim water goats has +all th' looks of bein' soaked too long. I would not say positive, Yer +Honour, but that is th' looks of thim. If me own mother was t' ask me I +would say th' same, Dugan. 'Soakin' too long done it,' is what I would +say." + +"You are a fool, Fagan!" exclaimed the big mayor. + +"Well," said Fagan mildly, "I have not had much ixperience in soakin' +dongolas, if ye mean that, Dugan. I do not set up t' be an expert +dongola soaker. I do not know th' rules t' go by. Some may like thim +soaked long an' some may like thim soaked not so long, but if I was to +say, I would say thim two dongolas at th' park has been soaked a dang +sight too long. Th' swim has been soaked clean out of thim." + +"Are they sick?" asked the big mayor. "What is th' matter with thim?" + +"They do look sick," agreed Fagan, breaking the bad news gently. "I +should say they look mighty sick, Dugan. If they looked anny sicker, I +would be afther lookin' for a place t' bury thim in. An' I am lookin' +for th' place now." + +As the truth dawned on the mind of the big mayor, he lost his firm look +and sank into a chair. This was the last brick pulled from under his +structure of hopes. His head sank upon his breast and for many minutes +he was silent, while his aides stood abashed and ill at ease. At last +he raised his head and stared at Toole, more in sorrow than in +resentfulness. + +"Mike," he said, "Mike Toole! What in th' worrld made ye soak thim +dongolas?" + +"Dugan," pleaded Toole, laying his hand on the big mayor's arm. "Dugan, +old man, don't look at me that way. There was nawthin' else t' do but +soak thim dongolas. Many's th' time I have seen me old father soakin' +th' young dongolas t' limber thim up for swimmin'. 'If iver ye have to +do with dongolas, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'soak thim well firrst.' +So I soaked thim, an' 'tis none of me fault, nor Fagan's either, that +they soaked full o' wather. First-class dongolas is wather-proof, as +iveryone knows, Dugan, an' how was we t' know thim two was not? How +was me an' Fagan t' know their skins would soak in wather like a pillow +case? Small blame to us, Dugan." + +The big mayor took his head between his hands and stared moodily at the +floor. + +"Go awn away!" he said after a while. "Ye have done for me an' th' byes, +Toole. Ye have soaked us out of office, wan an' all of us. I want t' be +alone. It is all over with us. Go awn away." + +Toole and the Keeper of the Water Goats stole silently from the room and +out into the street. Fagan was the first to speak. + +"How was we t' know thim dongolas would soak in wather that way, Toole?" +he said defensively. "How was we t' know they was not th' wather-proof +kind of dongolas?" + +The little alderman from the Fourth Ward walked silently by the Keeper's +side. His head was downcast and his hands were clasped beneath the tails +of his coat. Suddenly he looked Fagan full in the face. + +"'Twas our fault, Fagan," he said. "'Twas all our fault. If we didn't +know thim dongolas was wather-proof we should have varnished thim before +we put thim in th' lake t' soak. I don't blame you, Fagan, for ye did +not know anny better, but I blame mesilf. For I call t' mind now that +me father always varnished th' dongolas before he soaked thim overnight. +'Take no chances, Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'always varnish thim +firrst. Some of thim is rubbery an' will not soak up wather, but some is +spongy, an' 'tis best t' varnish one an' all of thim."' + +"Think of that now!" exclaimed Fagan with admiration. "Sure, but this +natural history is a wonderful science, Toole! To think that thim +animals was th' spongyhided dongola water goats of foreign lands, an' +used t' bein' varnished before each an' every bath! An' t' me they +looked no different from th' goats of me byehood! I was never cut out +for a goat keeper, Mike. An' me job on th' dump-cart is gone, too. +'Twill be hard times for Fagan." + +"'Twill be hard times for Toole, too," said the little alderman, and +they walked on without speaking until Fagan reached his gate. + +"Well, anny how," he said with cheerful philosophy, "'tis better t' +be us than to be thim dongola water goats--dead or alive. 'Tis not +too often I take a bath, Mike, but if I was wan of thim spongy-hided +dongolas an' had t' be varnished each time I got in me bath tub, I would +stop bathin' for good an' all." + +He looked toward the house. + +"I'll not worry," he said. "Maggie will be sad t' hear th' job is gone, +but she would have took it harder t' know her Tim was wastin' his time +varnishin' th' slab side of a spongy goat." + + + + +II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS + + +On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home at +Westcote very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, like a thief +in the night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In two minutes he was +asleep, and it was no wonder, for by that time it was five minutes after +three in the morning, and Mr. Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock. +Even when he was delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule to +catch the nine o'clock train home. + +When Mrs. Billings awoke the next--or, rather, that same--morning, she +gazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her husband, and was in +the satisfied frame of mind that takes an unexpected train delay as +a legitimate excuse, when she happened to cast her eyes upon Mr. +Billings's coat, which was thrown carelessly over the foot of the bed. +Protruding from one of the side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle, +half full of milk. Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searching +Mr. Billings's other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful. + +In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, such as +ladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of their own, and +these curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, when she dived into +his trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns carefully wrapped in a +lady's handkerchief, with the initials "T. M. C." embroidered in one +corner. + +All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau drawer and +proceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. Billings, he yawned, +stretched, and then, realizing that getting-up time had arrived, hopped +briskly out of bed. + +"You got in late last night," said Mrs. Billings pleasantly. + +If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was mistaken. +He continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if he had a clear +conscience. + +"Indeed I did, Mary," he said. "It was three when I entered the house, +for the clock was just striking." + +"Something must have delayed you," suggested Mrs. Billings. + +"Otherwise, dear," said Mr. Billings, "I should have been home much +sooner. + +"Probably," said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most sarcastic +tone, as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew out the patent +nursing-bottle, "this had something to do with your being delayed!" + +Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, and then he drew out his +watch and looked at that. + +"My dear," he said, "you are right. It did. But I now have just time +to gulp down my coffee and catch my train. To-night, when I return from +town, I will tell you the most remarkable story of that nursing-bottle, +and how it happened to be in my pocket, and in the mean time I beg +you--I most sincerely beg you--to feel no uneasiness." + +With this he hurried out of the room, and a few moments later his wife +saw him running for his train. + +All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most disturbing thoughts, and +as soon as dinner was finished that evening she led the way into the +library. + +"Now, Rollin?" she said, and without hesitation Mr. Billings began. + +I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE + + +You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, the coloured elevator boy in our +office building, and you know what a pleasant, accommodating lad he is. +He is the sort of boy for whom one would gladly do a favour, for he is +always so willing to do favours for others, but I was thinking nothing +of this when I stepped from my office at exactly five o'clock yesterday +evening. I was thinking of nothing but getting home to dinner as soon as +possible, and was just stepping into the elevator when Lemuel laid his +hand gently on my arm. + +"I beg yo' pahdon, Mistah Billings," he said politely, "but would yo' do +me a favour?" + +"Certainly, Lemuel," I said; "how much can I lend you?" + +"'Tain't that, sah," he said. "I wish t' have a word or two in private +with yo'. Would yo' mind steppin' back into yo' office until I git these +folks out of th' buildin', so's I can speak to yo'?" + +I knew I had still half an hour before my six-two train, and I was +not unwilling to do Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my office as he +desired, and waited there until he appeared, which was not until he had +taken all the tenants down in his elevator. Then he opened the door and +came in. With him was the young man I had often seen in the office next +to mine, as I passed, and a young woman on whom I had never set my eyes +before. No sooner had they opened the door than the young man began to +speak, and Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side. + +"Mr. Billings," said the young man, "you may think it strange that I +should come to you in this way when you and I are hardly acquaintances, +but I have often observed you passing my door, and have noted your +kind-looking face, and the moment I found this trouble upon me I +instantly thought of you as the one man who would be likely to help me +out of my difficulty." + +While he said this I had time to study his face, and also to glance at +the young woman, and I saw that he must, indeed, be in great trouble. I +also saw that the young woman was pretty and modest and that she, also, +was in great distress. I at once agreed to help him, provided I should +not be made to miss the six-thirty train, for I saw I was already too +late for the six-two. + +"Good!" he cried. "For several years Madge--who is this young lady--and +I have been in love, and we wish to be married this evening, but her +father and my father are waiting at the foot of the elevator at this +minute, and they have been waiting there all day. There is no other way +for us to leave the building, for the foot of the stairs is also the +foot of the elevator, and, in fact, when I last peeped, Madge's father +was sitting on the bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen minutes of +six, and at six o'clock they mean to come up and tear Madge and me away, +and have us married." + +"To--" I began. + +"To each other," said the young man with emotion. + +"But I thought that was what you wanted?" I exclaimed. + +"Not at all! Not at all!" said the young man, and the young woman added +her voice in protest, too. "I am the head of the Statistical Department +of the Society for the Obtaining of a Uniform National Divorce Law, and +the work in that department has convinced me beyond a doubt that forced +marriages always end unhappily. In eighty-seven thousand six hundred and +four cases of forced marriages that I have tabulated I have found that +eighty-seven thousand six hundred and three have been unhappy. In the +face of such statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves to be +married against our wills. We insist on marrying voluntarily." + +"That could be easily arranged," I ventured to say, "in view of the fact +that both your fathers wish you to be married." + +"Not at all," said Madge, with more independence than I had thought her +capable of; "because my father and Henry's father are gentlemen of +the old school. I would not say anything against either father, for in +ordinary affairs I they are two most suave and charming old gentlemen, +but in this they hold to the old-school idea that children should allow +their parents to select their life-partners, and they insist that Henry +and I allow ourselves to be forced to marry each other. And that, +in spite of the statistics Henry has shown them. Our whole happiness +depends on our getting out of this building before they can come up and +get us. That is why we appeal to you." + +"If you still hesitate, after what Madge has said," said Henry, pulling +a large roll of paper out of his pocket, "here are the statistics." + +"Very well," I said, "I will help you, if I can do so and not miss the +six-thirty train. What is your plan?" + +"It is very simple," said Henry. "Our fathers are both quite +near-sighted, and as six o'clock draws near they will naturally become +greatly excited and nervous, and, therefore, less observant of small +things. I have brought with me some burnt cork with which I will blacken +my face, and I will change clothes with Lemuel, and, in the one moment +necessary to escape, my father will not recognize me. Lemuel, on +the other hand, will whiten his face with some powder that Madge has +brought, and will wear my clothes, and in the excitement my father will +seize him instead of me." + +"Excellent," I said, "but what part do I play in this?" + +"This part," said Henry, "you will wear, over your street clothes, a +gown that Madge has brought in her suit-case and a hat that she has also +brought, both of which her father will easily recognize, while Madge +will redden her face with rouge, muss her hair, don a torn, calico +dress, and with a scrub-rag and a mop in her hands easily pass for a +scrub-woman. + +"And then?" I asked. + +"Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously down the stairs, as if you +were Madge and I seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as Lemuel and the +scrub-woman, will go down by the elevator. My father and Madge's father +will seize you and Lemuel--" + +"And I shall appear like a fool when they discover I am a respectable +business man rigged up in woman's clothes," I said. + +"Not at all," said Madge, "for Henry and I have thought of that. You +must play your part until you see that henry and I have escaped from +the elevator and have left the building, and that is all. I have had the +forethought to prepare an alibi for you. As soon as you see that Henry +and I are safe outside the building, you must become very indignant, and +insist that you are a respectable married woman, and in proof you +must hand my father the contents of this package. He will be convinced +immediately and let you go, and then Lemuel can run you up to your +office and you can take off my dress and hat and catch the six-thirty +train without trouble." She then handed me a small parcel, which I +slipped into my coat pocket. + +When this had been agreed upon she and Henry left the office and I took +the hat and dress from the suit-case and put them on, while Lemuel put +on Henry's suit and whitened his face. This took but a few minutes, and +we went into the hall and found Henry and Madge already waiting for us. +Henry was blackened into a good likeness of Lemuel, and Madge was quite +a mussy scrub-woman. They immediately entered the elevator and began to +descend slowly, while Lemuel and I crept down the stairs. + +Lemuel and I kept as nearly as possible opposite the elevator, so that +we might arrive at the foot of the stairs but a moment before Madge and +Henry, and we could hear the two fathers shuffling on the street floor, +when suddenly, as we reached the third floor, we heard a whisper from +Henry in the elevator. The elevator had stuck fast between the third and +fourth floors. As with one mind, Lemuel and I seated ourselves on a step +and waited until Henry should get the elevator running again and could +proceed to the street floor. + +For a while we could hear no noise but the grating of metal on metal as +Henry worked with the starting lever of the elevator, and then we heard +the two voices of the fathers. + +"It is a ruse," said one father. "They are pretending the elevator is +stuck, and when we grow impatient and start up the stairs they will come +down with a rush and escape us." + +"But we are not so silly as that," said the other father. "We will stay +right here and wait until they come down." + +At that Lemuel and I settled ourselves more comfortably, for there was +nothing else to do. I cursed inwardly as I felt the minutes slip by and +knew that half-past six had come and gone, but I was sure you would not +like to have me desert those two poor lovers who were fighting to ward +off the statistics, so I sat still and silent. So did Lemuel. + +I do not know how long I sat there, for it was already dark in the +narrow stairway, but it must have been a long time. I drowsed off, and +I was finally awakened by Lemuel tugging at my sleeve, and I knew that +Henry had managed to start the elevator again. Lemuel and I hastened our +steps, and just as the elevator was coming into sight below the second +floor we were seen by the two fathers. For an instant they hesitated, +and then they seized us. At the same time the elevator door opened and +Henry and Madge came out, and the two fathers hardly glanced at them as +they went out of the door into the street. + +As soon as I saw that they were safe I feigned great indignation, and so +did Lemuel. + +"Unhand me, sir!" I cried. "Who do you think I am? I am a respectable +married lady, leaving the building with her husband. Unhand me!" + +Instead of doing so, however, the father that had me by the arm drew me +nearer to the hall light. As he did so he stared closely at my face. + +"Morgan," he said to the other father, "this is not my daughter. My +daughter did not have a moustache." + +"Indeed, I am not your daughter," I said; "I am a respectable married +lady, and here is the proof." + +With that I reached for the package Madge had given me, but it was in my +coat-pocket, underneath the dress I had on, and it was only with great +difficulty and by raising one side of the skirt that I was able to get +it. I unwrapped it and showed it to the father that had me by the arm. +It was the patent nursing-bottle. + +When Mr. Billings had finished his relation his wife sat for a moment in +silence. Then she said: + +"And he let you go?" + +"Yes, of course," said Mr. Billings; "he could not hold me after such +proof as that, and Lemuel ran me up to my office, where I changed my +hat and took off the dress. I knew it was late, and I did not know +what train I could catch, but I made haste, and, on the way down in the +elevator, I felt in my pocket to see if I had my commutation ticket, +when my hand struck the patent nursing-bottle. My first impulse was to +drop it in the car, but on second thought I decided to keep it, for +I knew that when you saw it and heard the story you would understand +perfectly why I was detained last night." + +"Yes?" said Mrs. Billings questioningly. "But, my dear, all that does +not account for these." + +As she said that she drew from her workbasket the three auburn-red +curls. + +"Oh, those!" said Mr. Billings, after a momentary hesitation. "I was +about to tell you about those." + +"Do so!" said Mrs. Billings coldly. "I am listening." + +II. THE THREE AUBURN-RED CURLS + + +When I went down in the elevator (said Mr. Billings) with the +nursing-bottle in my pocket, I had no thought but to get to the train +as soon as possible, for I saw by the clock in my office that I had just +time to catch the eleven-nine if I should not be delayed. Therefore, as +soon as I was outside the building I started to run, but when I reached +the corner and was just about to step on a passing street-car a hand was +laid on my arm, and I turned to see who was seeking to detain me. It was +a woman in the most pitiable rags, and on her arm she carried a baby so +thin and pale that I could scarcely believe it lived. + +One glance at the child showed me that it was on the verge of death +by starvation, and this was confirmed by the moans of the mother, who +begged me for humanity's sake to give her money with which to provide +food for the child, even though I let her, herself, starve. You know, +my dear, you never allow me to give money to street beggars, and +I remembered this, but at the same time I remembered the patent +nursing-bottle I still carried in my pocket. + +Without hesitation I drew the patent nursing-bottle from my pocket and +told the mother to allow the infant to have a sufficient quantity of +milk it contained to sustain the child's life until she could procure +other alms or other aid. With a cry of joy the mother took the +nursing-bottle and pressed it to the poor baby's lips, and it was with +great pleasure I saw the rosy colour return to the child's cheeks. The +sadness of despair that had shadowed the mother's face also fled, and +I could see that already she was looking on life with a more optimistic +view. + +I verily believe the child could have absorbed the entire contents of +the bottle, but I had impressed upon the mother that she was to give the +child only sufficient to sustain life, not to suffice it until it was +grown to manhood or womanhood, and when the bottle was half-emptied the +mother returned it to me. How much time all this occupied I do not know, +but the child took the milk with extreme slowness. I may say that it +took the milk drop by drop. A great deal of time must have elapsed. + +But when the mother had returned the patent nursing-bottle to me and saw +how impatient I was to be gone, she still retained her hold upon my arm. + +"Sir," she said, "you have undoubtedly saved the life of my child, and +I only regret that I cannot repay you for all it means to me. But I +cannot. Stay!" she cried, when I was about to pull my arm away. "Has +your wife auburn-red hair?" + +"No," I said, "she has not, her hair is a most beautiful black." + +"No matter," said the poor woman, putting her hand to her head. "Some +day she may wish to change the colour of her hair to auburn-red, which +is easily done with a little bleach and a little dye, and should she do +so these may come handy;" and with that she slipped something soft and +fluffy into my hand and fled into the night. When I looked, I saw in my +hand the very curls you hold there. My first impulse was to drop them in +the street, but I remembered that the poor woman had not given them to +me, but to you, and that it was my duty to bring them home to you, so I +slipped them into my pocket. + + +When Mr. Billings had ended this recital of what had happened to him his +wife said: + +"Huh!" + +At the same time she tossed the curls into the grate, where they +shrivelled up, burst into blue smoke, and shortly disappeared in ashes. + +"That is a very likely story," she said, "but it does not explain how +this came to be in your pocket." + + +Saying this she drew from her basket the handkerchief and handed it to +Mr. Billings. + +"Hah!" he exclaimed. For a moment he turned the rolled-up handkerchief +over and over, and then he cautiously opened it. At the sight of the +twelve acorns he seemed somewhat surprised, and when the initials "T. M. +C." on the corner of the handkerchief caught his eye he blushed. + +"You are blushing--you are disturbed," said Mrs. Billings severely. + +"I am," said Mr. Billings, suddenly recovering himself; "and no wonder." + +"And no wonder, indeed!" said Mrs Billings. "Perhaps, then, you can tell +me how those acorns and that handkerchief came to be in your pocket." + +"I can," said Mr. Billings, "and I will." + +"You had better," said Mrs. Billings. + +III. THE TWELVE ACORNS AND THE LADY'S HANDKERCHIEF + + +You may have noticed, my dear (said Mr. Billings), that the initials on +that handkerchief are "T. M. C.," and I wish you to keep that in mind, +for it has a great deal to do with this story. Had they been anything +else that handkerchief would not have found its way into my pocket; and +when you see how those acorns and that handkerchief, and the half-filled +nursing-bottle and the auburn-red curls all combined to keep me out of +my home until the unearthly hour of three A. M., you will forget the +unjust suspicions which I too sadly fear you now hold against me, and +you will admit that a half-filled patent nursing-bottle, a trio of +curls, a lady's handkerchief and twelve acorns were the most natural +things in the world to find in my pockets. + +When I had left the poor woman with her no-longer-starving baby I +hurriedly glanced into a store window, and by the clock there saw it +was twenty minutes of one and that I had exactly time to catch the one +o'clock train, which is the last train that runs to Westcote. I glanced +up and down the street, but not a car was in sight, and I knew I could +not afford to wait long if I wished to catch that train. There was but +one thing to do, and that was to take a cab, and, as luck would have +it, at that moment an automobile cab came rapidly around the corner. I +raised my voice and my arm, and the driver saw or heard me, for he made +a quick turn in the street and drew up at the curb beside me. I hastily +gave him the directions, jumped in and slammed the door shut, and the +auto-cab immediately started forward at what seemed to me unsafe speed. + +We had not gone far when something in the fore part of the automobile +began to thump in a most alarming manner, and the driver slackened his +speed, drew up to the curb and stopped. He opened the door and put his +head in. + +"Something's gone wrong," he said, "but don't you worry. I'll have it +fixed in no time, and then I can put on more speed and I'll get you +there in just the same time as if nothing had happened." + +When he said this I was perfectly satisfied, for he was a nice-looking +man, and I lay back, for I was quite tired out, it was so long past my +usual bedtime; and the driver went to work, doing things I could not +understand to the fore part of the automobile, where the machinery is. +I remember thinking that the cushions of this automobile were unusually +soft, and then I must have dozed off, and when I opened my eyes I did +not know how much time had elapsed, but the driver was still at work +and I could hear him swearing. He seemed to be having a great deal of +trouble, so I got out of the automobile, intending to tell him that +perhaps I had better try to get a car, after all. But his actions when +he saw me were most unexpected. He waved the wrench he held in his hand, +and ordered me to get back into the automobile, and I did. I supposed +he was afraid he would lose his fare and tip, but in a few minutes he +opened the door again and spoke to me. + +"Now, sport," he said, "there ain't no use thinkin' about gettin' that +train, because it's gone, and I may as well say now that you've got to +come with me, unless you want me to smash your head in. The fact is, +this ain't no public automobile, and I hadn't no right to take you for +a passenger. This automobile belongs to a lady and I'm her hired +chauffeur, and she's at a bridge-whist party in a house on Fifth Avenue, +and I'm supposed to be waiting outside that house. One-fifteen o'clock +was the time she said she would be out. But I thought maybe I might make +a dollar or two for myself instead of waiting there all that time, and +she would never know it. And now it is nearly two o'clock, and if I +go back alone she will be raving mad, and I'll get my discharge and no +references, and my poor wife and six children will have to starve. So +you will have to go with me and explain how it was that I wasn't there +at one-fifteen o'clock." + +"My friend," I said, "I am sorry for you, but I do not see how it would +help you, should I refuse to go and you should, as you say, smash my +head in." + +"Don't you worry none about that," he said. "If I smashed your head in, +as I could do easy enough with this wrench, I'd take what was left of +you up some dark street, and lay you on the pavement and run the machine +across you once or twice, and then take you to a hospital, and that +would be excuse enough. You'd be another 'Killed by an Automobile,' and +I'd be the hero that picked you up and took you to the hospital." + +"Well," I said, "under the circumstances I shall go with you, not +because you threaten me, but because your poor wife and six children are +threatened with starvation." + +"Good!" he said. "And now all you have to do is to think of what the +excuse you will give my lady boss will be." + +With that he lay back against the cushions and waited. He seemed to feel +that the matter did not concern him any more, and that the rest of it +lay with me. + +"Go ahead!" I said to him. "I have no idea what I shall tell your +mistress, but since I have lost the last train I must try to catch the +two o'clock trolley car to Westeote, and I do not wish to spend any more +time than necessary on this business. Make all the haste possible, and +as we go I shall think what I will say when we get there." + +The driver got out and took his seat and started the car. I was worried, +indeed, my dear. I tried to think of something plausible to tell the +young man's employer; something that would have an air of self-proof, +when suddenly I remembered the half-filled nursing-bottle and the three +auburn-red curls. Why should I not tell the lady that a poor mother, +while proceeding down Fifth Avenue from her scrub-woman job, had been +taken suddenly ill, and that I, being near, had insisted that this +automobile help me convey the woman to her home, which we found, alas! +to be in the farthest districts of Brooklyn? Then I would produce the +three auburn-red curls and the half-filled nursing-bottle as having been +left in the automobile by the woman, and this proof would suffice. + +I had fully decided on this when the automobile stopped in front of a +large house in Fifth Avenue, and I had time to tell the driver that +I had thought of the proper thing to say, but that was all, for the +waiting lady came down the steps in great anger, and was about to begin +a good scolding, when she noticed me sitting in her automobile. + +If she had been angry before she was now furious, and she was the kind +of young woman who can be extremely furious when she tries. I think +nothing in the world could have calmed her had she not caught sight of +my face by the light of two strong lamps on a passing automobile. She +saw in my face what you see there now, my dear--the benevolent, fatherly +face of a settled-down, trustworthy, married man of past middle age--and +as if by magic her anger fled and she burst into tears. + +"Oh, sir!" she cried, "I do not know who you are, nor how you happen +to be in my car, but at this moment I am homeless and friendless. I am +alone in the world, and I need advice. Let me get into the car beside +you--" + +"Miss," I said, "I do not like to disoblige you, but I can never allow +myself to be in an automobile at this time of night with a strange +woman, unchaperoned." + +These words seemed almost more than she could bear, and my heart was +full of pity, but, just as I was about to spring from the automobile and +rush away, I saw on the walk the poor woman to whose baby I had given +the half of the contents of the patent nursing-bottle. I called her and +made her get into the automobile, and then I let the young woman enter. + +"Now," I said, "where to?" + +"That," she said, "is what I do not know. When I left my home this +evening I left it forever, and I left a note of farewell to my father, +which he must have received and read by this time, and if I went back he +would turn me from the door in anger, for he is a gentleman of the old +school." + +When I heard these words I was startled. "Can it be," I asked, "that you +have a brother henry?" + +"I have," she admitted; "Henry Corwin is his name." This was the name of +the young man I had helped that very evening to marry Madge. I told her +to proceed. + +"My father," she said, "has been insisting that I marry a man I do not +love, and things have come to such a point that I must either accede or +take things into my own hands. I agreed to elope this evening with the +man I love, for he had long wished me to elope with him. I was to meet +him outside his house at exactly one-fifteen o'clock, and I told him +that if I was not there promptly he might know I had changed my mind. +When the time came for me to hasten to him in my automobile, which was +then to hurry us to a waiting minister, my automobile was not here. +Unfortunately I did not know my lover's address, for I had left it in +the card pocket in this automobile. I knew not what to do. As the time +passed and my automobile did not appear I knew that my lover had decided +that I was not coming, and had gone away into his house. Now I cannot go +home, for I have no home. I cannot so lower my pride as to ring the bell +of his house and say I wish to be forgiven and married even yet. What +shall I do?" + +For answer I felt in the card pocket of the automobile and drew out the +address of her lover, and without hesitation I gave the address to the +chauffeur. In a few minutes we were there. Leaving the young woman in +the car with the poor woman, I got out and surveyed the house. It was +unpromising. Evidently all the family but the young man were away for +the summer, and the doors and windows were all boarded up. There was not +a bell to ring. I pounded on the boards that covered the door, but it +was unavailing. The young woman called to me that the young man lived +in the front room of the topmost floor, and could not hear me, and I +glanced up and saw that one window alone of all those in the house was +not boarded up. Instantly I hopped upon the seat beside the driver and +said, "Central Park." + +We dashed up Fifth Avenue and into the Park at full speed, and when we +were what I considered far enough in I ordered him to stop, and hurrying +up a low bank I began to grope among the leaves of last year under +the trees. I was right. In a few minutes I had filled my pockets with +acorns, was back in the car, and we were hurrying toward the house +of the lover, when I saw standing on a corner a figure I instantly +recognized as Lemuel, the elevator boy, and at the same time I +remembered that Lemuel spent his holidays pitching for a ball nine, He +was just the man I needed, and I stopped and made him get into the car. +In a minute more we were before the house again, and I handed Lemuel +a fistful of acorns. He drew back and threw them with all his strength +toward the upper window. + +My dear, will you believe it? Those acorns were wormy! They were light. +They would not carry to the window, but scattered like bits of chips +when they had travelled but half-way. I was upset, but Lemuel was not. +He ordered the chauffeur to drive to lower Sixth Avenue with all speed, +in order that he might get a baseball. With this he said he could +hit any mark, and we had started in that direction when, passing a +restaurant on Broadway, I saw emerge Henry and Madge. + +"Better far," I said to myself, "put this young woman in charge of her +brother and his new wife than leave her to elope alone," and I made the +chauffeur draw up beside them. Hastily I explained the situation, and +where we were going at that moment, and Henry and Madge laughed in +unison. + +"Madge," said Henry, "we had no trouble making wormy acorns travel +through the air, had we?" And both laughed again. At this I made them +get into the automobile, and while we returned to the lover's house +I made them explain. It was very simple, and I had just tied a dozen +acorns tightly in my handkerchief, making a ball to throw at the window, +when the poor woman with the baby noticed that the window was partly +open. I asked Lemuel if he could throw straight enough to throw the +handkerchief-ball into the window, and he said he could, and took +the handkerchief, but a brighter idea came to me, and I turned to the +eloping young lady. + +"Let me have your handkerchief, if it has your initials on it," I said; +"for when he sees that fall into his room he will know you are here. He +will not think you are forward, coming to him alone, for he will know +you could never have thrown the handkerchief, even if loaded with +acorns, to such a height. It will be your message to him." + +At this, which I do pride myself was a suggestion worthy of myself, +all were delighted, and while I modestly tied twelve acorns in the +handkerchief on which were the initials "T. M. C.," all the others +cheered. Even the woman from whom I had received the three auburn-red +curls cheered, and the baby that was half-filled out of the patent +nursing-bottle crowed with joy. But the chauffeur honked his honker. +Lemuel took the handkerchief full of acorns in his hand and drew back +his famous left arm, when suddenly Theodora Mitchell Corwin--for that +was the eloping young lady's name--shrieked, and looking up we saw her +lover at the window. He gave an answering yell and disappeared, and +Lemuel let his left arm fall and handed me the handkerchief-ball. + +In the excitement I dropped it into my pocket, and it was not until I +was on the car for Westcote that I discovered it, and then, not wishing +to be any later in getting home, I did not go back to give it to +Theodora Mitchell Corwin; in fact, I did not know where she had eloped +to. Nor could I give it to Madge or Henry, for they had gone on their +wedding journey as soon as they saw Theodora and her lover safely +eloped. + +I had no right to give it to the poor woman with the baby, even if +she had not immediately disappeared into her world of poverty, and it +certainly did not belong to Lemuel, nor could I have given it to him, +for he took the ten dollars the lover gave him and stayed out so late +that he was late to work this morning and was discharged. He said he was +going back to Texas. So I brought the handkerchief and the twelve acorns +home, knowing you would be interested in hearing their story. + +When Mr. Billings had thus finished his relation of the happenings of +his long evening, Mrs. Billings was thoughtful for a minute. Then she +said: + +"But Rollin, when I spoke to you of the handkerchief and the twelve +acorns you blushed, and said you had reason to blush. I see nothing in +this kind action you did to cause a blush." + +"I blushed," said Mr. Billings, "to think of the lie I was going to tell +Theodora Merrill Corwin--" + +"I thought you said her name was Theodora Mitchell Corwin," said Mrs. +Billings. + +"Mitchell or Merill," said Mr. Billings. "I cannot remember exactly +which." + +For several minutes Mrs. Billings was silent. Occasionally she would +open her mouth as if to ask a question, but each time she closed it +again without speaking. Mr. Billings sat regarding his wife with what, +in a man of less clear conscience, might be called anxiety. At length +Mrs. Billings put her sewing into her sewing-basket and arose. + +"Rollin," she said, "I have enjoyed hearing you tell your experiences +greatly. I can say but one thing: Never in your life have you deceived +me. And you have not deceived me now." + +For half an hour after this Mr. Billings sat alone, thinking. + + + + +III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + +When our new suburban house was completed I took Sarah out to see it, +and she liked it all but the stairs. + +"Edgar," she said, when she had ascended to the second floor, "I don't +know whether it is imagination or not, but it seems to me that these +stairs are funny, some way. I can't understand it. They are not a long +flight, and they are not unusually steep, but they seem to be unusually +wearying. I never knew a short flight to tire me so, and I have climbed +many flights in the six years we have lived in flats." + +"Perhaps, Sarah," I said, with mild dissimulation, "you are unusually +tired to-day." + +The fact was that I had planned those stairs myself, and for a +particular reason I had made the rise of each step three inches more +than the customary height, and in this way I had saved two steps. I had +also made the tread of the steps unusually narrow; and the reason was +that I had found, from long experience, that stair carpet wears first on +the tread of the steps, where the foot falls. By making the steps tall +enough to save two, and by making the tread narrow, I reduced the wear +on the carpet to a minimum. I believe in economy where it is possible. +For the same reason I had the stair banisters made wide, with a +saddle-like top to the newel post, to tempt my son and daughter to slide +downstairs. The less they used the stairs the longer the carpet would +last. + +I need hardly say that Sarah has a fear of burglars; most women have. As +for myself, I prefer not to meet a burglar. It is all very well to get +up in the night and prowl about with a pistol in one hand, seeking to +eliminate the life of a burglar, and some men may like it; but I am of +a very excitable nature, and I am sure that if I did find a burglar and +succeeded in shooting him, I should be in such an excited state that +I could not sleep again that night--and no man can afford to lose his +night's rest. + +There are other objections to shooting a burglar in the house, and these +objections apply with double force when the house and its furnishings +are entirely new. Although some of the rugs in our house were red, not +all of them were; and I had no guarantee that if I shot a burglar +he would lie down on a red rug to bleed to death. A burglar does not +consider one's feelings, and would be quite as apt to bleed on a green +rug, and spoil it, as not. Until burglarizing is properly regulated and +burglars are educated, as they should be, in technical burglary schools, +we cannot hope that a shot burglar will staunch his wound until he can +find a red rug to lie down on. + +And there are still other objections to shooting a burglar. If all +burglars were fat, one of these would be removed; but perhaps a thin +burglar might get in front of my revolver, and in that case the bullet +would be likely to go right through him and continue on its way, and +perhaps break a mirror or a cut-glass dish. I am a thin man myself, and +if a burglar shot at me he might damage things in the same way. + +I thought all these things over when we decided to build in the suburbs, +for Sarah is very nervous about burglars, and makes me get up at the +slightest noise and go poking about. Only the fact that no burglar had +ever entered our flat at night had prevented what might have been a +serious accident to a burglar, for I made it a rule, when Sarah wakened +me on such occasions, to waste no time, but to go through the rooms as +hastily as possible and get back to bed; and at the speed I travelled I +might have bumped into a burglar in the dark and knocked him over, and +his head might have struck some hard object, causing concussion of the +brain; and as a burglar has a small brain a small amount of concussion +might have ruined it entirely. But as I am a slight man it might have +been my brain that got concussed. A father of a family has to think of +these things. + +The nervousness of Sarah regarding burglars had led me in this way to +study the subject carefully, and my adoption of jet-black pajamas as +nightwear was not due to cowardice on my part. I properly reasoned that +if a burglar tried to shoot me while I was rushing around the house +after him in the darkness, a suit of black pajamas would somewhat spoil +his aim, and, not being able to see me, he would not shoot at all. +In this way I should save Sarah the nerve shock that would follow the +explosion of a pistol in the house. For Sarah was very much more afraid +of pistols than of burglars. I am sure there were only two reasons why +I had never killed a burglar with a pistol: one was that no burglar had +ever entered our flat, and the other was that I never had a pistol. + +But I knew that one is much less protected in a suburb than in town, +and when I decided to build I studied the burglar protection matter most +carefully. I said nothing to Sarah about it, for fear it would upset her +nerves, but for months I considered every method that seemed to have +any merit, and that would avoid getting a burglar's blood--or +mine--spattered around on our new furnishings. I desired some method by +which I could finish up a burglar properly without having to leave my +bed, for although Sarah is brave enough in sending me out of bed to +catch a burglar, I knew she must suffer severe nerve strain during the +time I was wandering about in the dark. Her objection to explosives had +also to be considered, and I really had to exercise my brain more than +common before I hit upon what I may now consider the only perfect method +of handling burglars. + +Several things coincided to suggest my method. One of these was Sarah's +foolish notion that our silver must, every night, be brought from +the dining-room and deposited under our bed. This I considered a most +foolhardy tempting of fate. It coaxed any burglar who ordinarily would +have quietly taken the silver from the dining-room and have then gone +away peacefully, to enter our room. The knowledge that I lay in bed +ready at any time to spring out upon him would make him prepare his +revolver, and his nervousness might make him shoot me, which would quite +upset Sarah's nerves. I told Sarah so, but she had a hereditary instinct +for bringing the silver to the bedroom, and insisted. I saw that in +the suburban house this, would be continued as "bringing the silver +upstairs," and a trial of my carpet-saving stairs suggested to me my +burglar-defeating plan. I had the apparatus built into the house, and I +had the house planned to agree with the apparatus. + +For several months after we moved into the house I had no burglars, but +I felt no fear of them in any event. I was prepared for them. + +In order not to make Sarah nervous, I explained to her that my invention +of a silver-elevator was merely a time-saving device. From the top of +the dining-room sideboard I ran upright tracks through the ceiling to +the back of the hall above, and in these I placed a glass case, which +could be run up and down the tracks like a dumbwaiter. All our servant +had to do when she had washed the silver was to put it in the glass +case, and I had attached to the top of the case a stout steel cable +which ran to the ceiling of the hall above, over a pulley, and so to our +bedroom, which was at the front of the hall upstairs. By this means I +could, when I was in bed, pull the cable, and the glass case of silver +would rise to the second floor. Our bedroom door opened upon the hall, +and from the bed I could see the glass case; but in order that I might +be sure that the silver was there I put a small electric light in +the case and kept it burning all night. Sarah was delighted with this +arrangement, for in the morning all I had to do was to pay out the steel +cable and the silver would descend to the dining-room, and the maid +could have the table all set by the time breakfast was ready. Not once +did Sarah have a suspicion that all this was not merely a household +economy, but my burglar trap. + +On the sixth of August, at two o'clock in the morning, Sarah awakened +me, and I immediately sat straight up in bed. There was an undoubtable +noise of sawing, and I knew at once that a burglar was entering our +home. Sarah was trembling, and I knew she was getting nervous, but I +ordered her to remain calm. + +"Sarah," I said, in a whisper, "be calm! There is not the least danger. +I have been expecting this for some time, and I only hope the burglar +has no dependent family or poor old mother to support. Whatever happens, +be calm and keep perfectly quiet." + +With that I released the steel cable from the head of my bed and let the +glass case full of silver slide noiselessly to the sideboard. + +"Edgar!" whispered Sarah in agonized tones, "are you giving him our +silver?" + +"Sarah!" I whispered sternly, "remember what I have just said. Be calm +and keep perfectly quiet." And I would say no more. + +In a very short time I heard the window below us open softly, and I +knew the burglar was entering the parlour from the side porch. I counted +twenty, which I had figured would be the time required for him to reach +the dining-room, and then, when I was sure he must have seen the silver +shining in the glass case, I slowly pulled on the steel cable and raised +case and silver to the hall above. Sarah began to whisper to me, but I +silenced her. + +What I had expected happened. The burglar, seeing the silver rise +through the ceiling, left the dining-room and went into the hall. There, +from the foot of the stairs, he could see the case glowing in the hall +above, and without hesitation he mounted the stairs. As he reached the +top I had a good view of him, for he was silhouetted against the light +that glowed from the silver case. He was a most brutal looking fellow +of the prize-fighting type, but I almost laughed aloud when I saw his +build. He was short and chunky. As he stepped forward to grasp the +silver case, I let the steel cable run through my fingers, and the case +and its precious contents slid noiselessly down to the dining-room. For +only one instant the burglar seemed disconcerted, then he turned and ran +downstairs again. + +This time I did not wait so long to draw up the silver. I hardly gave +him time to reach the dining-room door before I jerked the cable, and +the case was glowing in the upper hall. The burglar immediately stopped, +turned, and mounted the stairs, but just as he reached the top I let the +silver slide down again, and he had to turn and descend. Hardly had he +reached the bottom step before I had the silver once more in the upper +hall. + +The burglar was a gritty fellow and was not to be so easily defeated. +With some word which I could not catch, but which I have no doubt was +profane, or at least vulgar, he dashed up the stairs, and just as his +hand touched the case I let the silver drop to the dining-room. I smiled +as I saw his next move. He carefully removed his coat and vest, rolled +up his sleeves, and took off his collar. This evidently meant that he +intended to get the silver if it took the whole night, and nothing could +have pleased me more. I lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking with +suppressed laughter, and had to stuff a corner of a pillow in my mouth +to smother the sound of my mirth. I did not allow the least pity for the +unfortunate fellow to weaken my nerve. + +A low, long screech from the hall told me that I had a man of uncommon +brain to contend with, for I knew the sound came from his hands drawing +along the banister, and that to husband his strength and to save time, +he was sliding down. But this did not disconcert me. It pleased me. The +quicker he went down, the oftener he would have to walk up. + +For half an hour I played with him, giving him just time to get down +to the foot of the stairs before I raised the silver, and just time +to reach the top before I lowered it, and then I grew tired of the +sport--for it was nothing else to me--and decided to finish him off. I +was getting sleepy, but it was evident that the burglar was not, and +I was a little afraid I might fall asleep and thus defeat myself. The +burglar had that advantage because he was used to night work. So I +quickened my movements a little. When the burglar slid down I gave +him just time to see the silver rise through the ceiling, and when he +climbed the stairs I only allowed him to see it descend through the +floor. In this way I made him double his pace, and as I quickened my +movements I soon had him dashing up the stairs and sliding down again +as if for a wager. I did not give him a moment for rest, and he was soon +panting terribly and beginning to stumble; but with almost superhuman +nerve he kept up the chase. He was an unusually tough burglar. + +But quick as he was I was always quicker, and a glimpse of the glowing +case was all I let him have at either end of his climb or slide. No +sooner was he down than it was up, and no sooner was the case up than +he was up after it. In this way I kept increasing his speed until it was +something terrific, and the whole house shook, like an automobile with +a very powerful motor. But still his speed increased. I saw then that +I had brought him to the place I had prepared for, where he had but one +object in life, and that was to beat the case up or down stairs; and as +I was now so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did what I had +intended to do from the first. I lowered the case until it was exactly +between the ceiling of the dining-room and the floor of the hall +above--and turned out the electric light. I then tied the steel cable +securely to the head of my bed, turned over, and went to sleep, lulled +by the shaking of the house as the burglar dashed up and down the +stairs. + +Just how long this continued I do not know, for my sleep was deep and +dreamless, but I should judge that the burglar ran himself to death +sometime between half-past three and a quarter after four. So great had +been his efforts that when I went to remove him I did not recognize him +at all. When I had seen him last in the glow of the glass silver case +he had been a stout, chunky fellow, and now his remains were those of +an emaciated man. He must have run off one hundred and twenty pounds of +flesh before he gave out. + +Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our silver consisted of but half a +dozen each of knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, and a sugar +spoon, all plated, and worth probably five dollars, and to save this +I had made the burglar wear to rags a Wilton stair carpet worth +twenty-nine dollars. But I have now corrected this. I have bought fifty +dollars worth of silver. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Water Goats and Other Troubles, by +Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES *** + +***** This file should be named 1285.txt or 1285.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/1285/ + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES +BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + + +BY THE SAME AUTHOR + + +Pigs is Pigs + +The Great American Pie Company + +Mike Flannery On Duty and off + +The Thin Santa Claus + +That Pup, Kilo, etc. + + + + + +THE WATER GOATS AND OTHER TROUBLES + +BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + +CONTENTS + +I. THE WATER GOATS +II. MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS +III. OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + + + +I +THE WATER GOATS + + +"And then," said the landscape gardener, combing his silky, +pointed beard gently with his long, artistic fingers, "in the +lake you might have a couple of gondolas. Two would be sufficient +for a lake of this size; amply sufficient. Yes," he said firmly, +"I would certainly advise gondolas. They look well, and the +children like to ride on them. And so do the adults. I would have +two gondolas in the lake." + +Mayor Dugan and the City Council, meeting as a committee of the +whole to receive the report of the landscape gardener and his +plan for the new public park, nodded their heads sagely. + +"Sure!" said Mayor Dugan. "We want two of thim--of thim gon-- +thim gon--" + +"Gondolas," said the landscape gardener. "Sure!" said Mayor +Dugan, "we want two of thim. Remimber th' gondolas, Toole." + +"I have thim fast in me mind," said Toole. "I will not let +thim git away, Dugan." + +The landscape gardener stood a minute in deep thought, looking +at the ceiling. + +"Yes, that is all!" he said. "My report, and the plan, and what +I have mentioned, will be all you need." + +Then he shook hands with the mayor and with all the city +councilmen and left Jeffersonville forever, going back to New +York where landscape gardeners grow, and the doors were opened +and the committee of the whole became once more the regular +meeting of the City Council. + +The appropriation for the new park was rushed through in twenty +minutes, passing the second and third readings by the reading of +the title under a suspension of the by-laws, and being +unanimously adopted. It was a matter of life and death with Mayor +Dugan and his ring. Jeffersonville was getting tired of the +joyful grafters, and murmurs of discontent were concentrating +into threats of a reform party to turn the cheerful rascals out. +The new park was to be a sop thrown to the populace--something to +make the city proud of itself and grateful to its mayor and +council. It was more than a pet scheme of Mayor Dugan, it was a +lifeboat for the ring. In half an hour the committees had been +appointed, and the mayor turned to the regular business. Then +from his seat at the left of the last row little Alderman Toole +arose. + +"Misther Mayor," he said, "how about thim--thim don--thim don-- +"Golas!" whispered Alderman Grevemeyer hoarsely, "dongolas." + +"How about thim dongolas, Misther Mayor?" asked Alderman Toole. + +"Sure!" said the mayor. "Will annyone move that we git two +dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on? Will annyone +move that Alderman Toole be a conmittee of wan t' git two +dongolas t' put in th' lake?" + +"I make dot motions," said Alderman Greveneyer, half raising +his great bulk from his seat and sinking back with a grunt. + +"Sicond th' motion," said Alderman Toole. + +"Moved and siconded," said the mayor, "that Alderman Toole be a +committee t' buy two dongolas t' put in th' lake for th' kids t' +ride on. Ye have heard th' motion." + +The motion was unanimously carried. That was the kind of City +Council Mayor Dugan had chosen. + +When little Alderman Toole dropped into Casey's saloon that +night on his way home he did not slip meekly to the far end of +the bar, as he usually did. For the first time in his aldermanic +career he had been put on a committee where he would really have +something to do, and he felt the honour. He boldly took a place +between the big mayor and Alderman Grevemeyer, and said: "One of +th' same, Casey," with the air of a man who has matters of +importance on his mind. He felt that things were coming his way. +Even the big mayor seemed to appreciate it, for he put his hand +affectionately on Toole's shoulder. + +"Mike," said the mayor, "about thim dongolas, now; have ye +thought anny about where ye would be gettin' thim?" + +"I have not," said Toole. "I was thinkin' 'twould be good t' +think it over a bit, Dugan. Mebby 'twould be best t' git thim at +Chicagy." He looked anxiously at the mayor's face, hoping for +some sign of approval or disapproval, but the mayor's face was +noncommittal. "But mebby it wouldn't," concluded Toole. As a +feeler he added: "Would ye be wantin' me t' have thim made here, +Dugan?" + +The big mayor patted Toole on the shoulder indulgently. + +"It's up t' you, Mike," he said. "Ye know th' way Dugan does +things, an' th' way he likes thim done. I trust thim that I kin +trust, an' whin I put a man on committee I'm done wid th' thing. +Of coorse," he added, putting his mouth close to Toole's ear, and +winking at Grevemeyer, "ye will see that there is a rake-off for +me an' th' byes." + +"Sure!" said Toole. + +The big mayor turned back to the bar and took a drink from his +glass. Grevemeyer took a drink from his glass, also. So did +Toole, gravely. Dugan wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and +turned to Toole again. + +"Mike," he said, "what do ye think? Mebby 'twould do as well t' +git a couple of sicond-hand dongolas an' have thim painted up. If +they was in purty good shape no wan would know th' difference, +an' 'twould make a bit more rake-off fer th' byes, mebby." + +"Th' same word was on th' ind o' me tongue, Dugan," said Toole, +nodding his head slowly. "I was considerin' this very minute +where I could lay me hand on a couple of purty good dongolas that +has not been used much. Flannagan could paint thim up fine!" + +"Or Stoltzenau could do such paintings," interposed Grevemeyer. + +"Sure!" agreed the big mayor. He toyed with his glass a moment. +"Mike," he said suddenly, "what th' divil is a dongola, anyhow?" + +Mike Toole was just raising his glass to his lips with the +movements of one accustomed to hold conversation with the mayor. +His left hand rested on his hip, with his arm akimbo, and his hat +was tipped carelessly to the back of his head. The hand raising +his glass stopped short where it was when he heard the mayor's +question. He frowned at the glass--scowled at it angrily. + +"A dongola, Dugan"--he said slowly, and stopped. "A dongola"-- +he repeated. "A dongola--did ye ask me what a dongola might be, +Dugan?" + +The big mayor nodded, and Grevemeyer leaned forward to catch +the answer. Casey, too, leaned on his bar and listened. Alderman +Toole raised his glass to his lips and filled his mouth with the +liquor. Instantly he dashed the glass furiously to the floor. He +jerked off his hat and cast it into a far corner and pulled off +his coat, throwing it after his hat. He was climbing on to the +bar when the big mayor and Grevemeyer laid their hands on the +little man and held him tightly. The big mayor shook him once and +set him on the floor. + +"Mike!" said the big mayor. "What's th' matter wid ye? What are +ye goin' afther Casey that way for? Is it crazy ye are? Or have +ye gone insane?" + +"Knock-out drops!" shouted Toole, shaking his fist at Casey, +who looked down at him in astonishment. "Knock-out drops! I will +have th' law on ye, Casey. I will have th' joint closed! I'll +teach ye t' be givin' knock-out drops t' th' aldermin of th' +city!" + +"Mike!" cried the big mayor, giving him another vigorous shake. +"Shut up wid ye! Casey wouldn't be givin' ye annything that +wasn't good for ye. Casey wouldn't be givin' ye knock-out drops." + +"No?" whispered Mike angrily. "No? Wouldn't he, Dugan? An' what +has he done t' me mimory, then, Dugan? What has he put in th' +drink t' rob me of me mimory? Wan minute ago I knew as well anny +other man what a dongola is like, an' now I have no mimory of +anny dongolas at all. Wan minute ago I could have told ye th' +whole history of dongolas, from th' time of Adam up till now, an' +have drawed a picture of wan that annywan could recognize--an' +now I wouldn't know wan if ye was show it t' me! I was about t' +tell ye th' whole history of dongolas, Dugan; 'twas on th' ind of +me tongue t' give ye a talk on dongolas, whin I took a drink. Ye +saw me take a drink, Grevemeyer?" + +"Ya!" said Grevemeyer. nodding his head solemnly. "You took +such a drink!" + +"Sure," said Toole, arranging his vest. "Grevemeyer saw me take +th' drink--an now I have no mimory of dongolas at all. If ye was +t' show me a chromo of wan I wouldn't know was it a dongola or +what. I'm ashamed of ye, Casey!" + +"If ye done it, Casey, ye hadn't have ought t' have done it," +said Dugan reprovingly. "Th' mind of him might be ruined +intirely." + +"Stop, Dugan!" said Toole hastily. "I forgive him. Me mind will +likely be all right by mornin'. 'Tis purty good yit, ixcipt on +th' subjict of dongolas. I'm timporarily out of remimbrance what +dongolas is. 'Tis odd how thim knock-out drops works, +Grevemeyer." + +"Ya!" said the alderman unsuspectingly, "gifing such a +forgetfulness on such easy things as dongolas." + +"Sure! You tell Dugan what dongolas is, Grevemeyer," said Toole +quickly. + +Grevemeyer looked at his glass thoughtfully. His mind worked +slowly always, but he saw that it would not do for him to have +knock-out drops so soon after Toole. + +"Ach!" he exclaimed angrily. "You are insulting to me mit such +questions Toole. So much will I tell you--never ask Germans what +is dongolas. It is not for Germans to talk about such things. +Ask Casey." + +Casey scratched his head thoughtfully. + +"Dongolas?" he repeated. "I have heard th' word, Grevemeyer. +Wait a bit! 'Tis something about shoes. Sure! I remimber, now! +'Twas dongola shoes wan of me kids had, last winter, an' no good +they were, too. Dongolas is shoes, Grevemeyer--laced shoes -- +dongolas is laced shoes." + +The big mayor leaned his head far back and laughed long and +loud. He pounded on the bar with his fist, and slapped Toole on +the back. + +"Laced shoes!" he cried, wiping his eyes, and then he became +suddenly serious. "'Twould not be shoes, Casey," he said gravely. +"Thim dongolas was ricomminded by th' landscape-gardener from New +Yorrk. 'Twould not be sinsible t' ricommind us put a pair of +laced shoes in th' park lake fer th' kids t' ride on." + +"'Twould not seem so," said Toole, shaking his head wisely. "I +wisht me mind was like it always is. 'Tis a pity--" + +"Stop!" cried Casey. "I have it! Thim was kid shoes. Thim +dongolas was kid shoes." + +"So said, Casey," said Duo'an "For th' kid." + +"No," said Casey, "of th' kid." + +"Sure!" said Gravemeyer. So it is--the shoes of the child." + +"Right fer ye!" exclaimed Casey. "Th' kid shoes of th' kid. +'Twas kid leather they were made out of, Dugan. Th' dongola is +some fancy kind of a goat. Like box-calf is th' skin of th' calf +of th' box-cow. Th' dongola is some foreign kind of a goat, +Dugan." + +"Ho, ho-o-o!" cried Toole, suddenly, knocking on his forehead +with the knuckles of his fist. The three men turned their eyes +upon him and stared. + +"What ails ye now, Mike?" asked Dugan, disgustedly. + +"Ho-o-o!" he cried again, slapping himself on the top of his +head. "Me mind is comm' back t' me, Dugan! Th' effects of th' +knock-out drops is wearin' off! I recall now that th' dongola is +some fancy kind of a goat. 'Twill all come back t' me soon. + +"Go along wid ye!" exclaimed Dugan. "Would ye be puttin' a goat +in th' lake for th' kids t' ride on?" + +"Sure!" said Toole enthusiastically. "Sure I would, Dugan. Not +th' common goat I wouldn't. But dongola goats I would. Have ye +heard of dongola water goats, Casey? Was thim dongola goat skin +shoes warranted t' be water-proof?" + +Casey wrinkled his brow. + +"'Tis like they was, Toole," he said doubtfully. "'Tis like +they was warranted t' be, but they wasn't." + +"Sure!" cried Toole joyously. " 'Tis water-proof th' skin of +th' dongola water goats is, like th' skin of th' duck. An' swim? +A duck isn't in it wid a water goat. I remimber seein' thim in +ould Ireland whin I was a bye, Dugan, swimmin in th' lake of +Killarney. Ah, 'twas a purty picture." + +"I seem t' remimber thim mesilf," he said. "Not clear, but a +bit." + +"Sure ye do!" cried Toole. "Many's the time I have rode across +th' lake on th' back of a dongola. Me own father, who was a big +man in th' ould country, used t' keep a pair of thim for us +childer. 'Twas himself fetched thim from Donnegal, Dugan. 'Twas +from Donnegal they got th' name of thim, an' 'twas th' name ye +give thim that misled me. Donnegoras was what we called thim in +th' ould counry--donnegoras from Donnegal. I remimber th' two of +thim I had whin I was a kid, Dugan--wan was a Nanny, an' wan was +a Billy, an'--" + +"Go on home, Mike," said Dugan. "Go on home an' sleep it off!" +and the little alderman from the Fourth Ward picked up his hat +and coat, and obeyed his orders. + +Instituting a new public park and seeing that in every purchase +and every contract there is a rake-off for the ring is a big job, +and between this and the fight against the rapidly increasing +strength of the reform party, Mayor Dugan had his hands more than +full. He had no time to think of dongolas, and he did not want to +think of them--Toole was the committee on dongolas, and it was +his duty to think of them, and to worry about them, if any worry +was necessary. But Toole did not worry. He sat down and wrote a +letter to his cousin Dennis, official keeper of the zoo in +Idlewild Park at Franklin, Iowa. + + +"Dear Dennis," he wrote. "Have you any dongola goats in your +menagery for I want two right away good strong ones answer right +away your affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole." + +"Ps monny no object." + + +When Dennis Toole received this letter he walked through his +zoo and considered his animals thoughtfully. The shop-worn brown +bear would not do to fill cousin Mike's order; neither would the +weather-worn red deer nor the family of variegated tame rabbits. +The zoo of Idlewild Park at Franklin was woefully short of +dongola goats--in fact, to any but the most imaginative and +easily pleased child, it was lacking in nearly every thing that +makes a zoo a congress of the world's most rare and thrilling +creatures. After all, the nearest thing to a goat was a goat, and +goats were plenty in Franklin. Dennis felt an irresistible +longing to aid Mike--the longing that comes to any healthy man +when a request is accompanied by the legend "Money no object." He +wrote that evening to Mike. + + +"Dear Mike," he wrote. "I've got two good strong dongola goats +I can let you have cheap. I'm overstocked with dongolas to-day. I +want to get rid of two. Zoo is getting too crowded with all kinds +of animals and I don't need so many dongola goats. I will sell +you two for fifty dollars. Apiece. What do you want them for? +Your affectionate cousin, Dennis Toole, Zoo keeper. PS. Crates +extra." + + +"Casey," said Mike to his friend the saloon keeper when he +received this communication, "'tis just as I told ye--dongolas is +goats. I have been corrispondin' with wan of th' celibrated +animal men regardin' th' dongola water goat, an' I have me eye on +two of thim this very minute. But 'twill be ixpinsive, Casey, +mighty ixpinsive. Th' dongola water goat is a rare birrd, Casey. +They have become extinct in th' lakes of Ireland, an' what few of +thim is left in th' worrld is held at outrajeous prices. In th' +letter I have from th' animal man, Casey, he wants two hundred +dollars apiece for each dongola water goat, an' 'twill be no easy +thing for him t' git thim." + +"Hasn't he thim in his shop, Mike?" asked Casey. + +"He has not, Casey," said the little alderman. "He has no place +for thim. Cages he has, an' globes for goldfish, an' birrd cages, +but th' size of th' shop l'aves no room for an aquarium, Casey. +He has no tank for the preservation of water goats. +Hippopotamuses an' alligators an' crocodiles an' dongola water +goats an' sea lions he does not keep in stock, Casey, but sinds +out an' catches thim whin ordered. He writes that his agints has +their eyes on two fine dongolas, an' he has tiligraphed thim t' +catch thim." + +"Are they near by, Mike?" asked Casey, much interested. + +"Naw," said Toole. "'Twill be some time till I git thim. Th' +last he heard of thim they were swimmin' in th' Lake of Geneva." + +"Is it far, th' lake?" asked Casey. + +"I disremimber how far," said Toole. "'Tis in Africa or Asia, +or mebby 'tis in Constantinople. Wan of thim countries it is, +annyhow." + +But to his cousin Dennis he wrote: + + +"Dear Dennis--I will take them two dongolas. Crate them good +and solid. Do not send them till I tell you. Send the bill to me. +Your affectionate cousin alderman Michael Toole. Ps Make bill for +two hundred dollars a piece. Business is business. This is +between us two. M. T." + + +A Keeper of the Water Goats had been selected with the utmost +care, combining in the choice practical politics with a sense of +fitness. Timothy Fagan was used to animals--for years he had +driven a dumpcart. He was used to children--he had ten or eleven +of his own. And he controlled several votes in the Fourth Ward. +His elevation from the dump-cart of the street cleaning +department to the high office of Keeper of the Water Goats was +one that Dugan believed would give general satisfaction. + +When the goats arrived in Jeffersonville the two heavy crates +were hauled to Alderman Toole's back yard to await the opening of +the park, and there Mayor Dugan and Goat Keeper Fagan came to +inspect them. Alderman Toole led the way to them with pride, and +Mayor Dugan's creased brow almost uncreased as he bent down and +peered between the bars of the crates. They were fine goats. +Perhaps they looked somewhat more dejected than a goat usually +looks--more dirty and down at the heels than a goat often looks-- +but they were undoubtedly goats. As specimens of ordinary Irish +goats they might not have passed muster with a careful buyer, but +no doubt they were excellent examples of the dongola. + +"Ye have done good, Mike," said the mayor. "Ye have done good! +But ain't they mebby a bit off their feed--or something?" + +"Off their feed!" said Toole. "An' who wouldn't be, poor +things? Mind ye, Dugan, thim is not common goats--thim is +dongolas--an' used to bein' in th' wather con-continuous from +mornin' till night. 'Tis sufferin' for a swim they be, poor +animals. Wance let thim git in th' lake an' ye will see th' +difference, Dugan. 'Twill make all th' difference in th' worrld +t' thim. 'Tis dyin' for a swim they are." + +"Sure!" said the Keeper of the Water Goats. "Ye have done good, +Mike," said the mayor again. "Thim dongolas will be a big +surprise for th' people." + +They were. They surprised the Keeper of the Goats first of all. +The day before the park was to be opened to the public the goats +were taken to the park and turned over to their official keeper. +At eleven o'clock that morning Alderman Toole was leaning +against Casey's bar, confidentially pouring into his ear the +story of how the dongolas had given their captors a world of +trouble, swimming violently to the far reaches of Lake Geneva and +hiding among the bulrushes and reeds, when the swinging door of +the saloon was banged open and Tim Fagan rushed in. He was mad. +He was very mad, but he was a great deal wetter than mad. He +looked as if he had been soaked in water over night, and not +wrung out in the morning. + +"Mike!" he whispered hoarsely, grasping the little alderman by +the arm. "I want ye! I want ye down at th' park." + +A chill of fear passed over Alderman Toole. He turned his face +to Fagan and laid his hand on his shoulder. + +"Tim," he demanded, "has annything happened t' th' dongolas?" + +"Is annything happened t' th' dongolas!" exclaimed Fagan +sarcastically. "Is annything wrong with thim water goats? Oh, no, +Toole! Nawthin' has gone wrong with thim! Only they won't go into +th' wather, Mike! Is annything gone wrong with thim, did ye say? +Nawthin'! They be in good health, but they are not crazy t' be +swimmin'. Th' way they do not hanker t' dash into th' water is +marvellous, Mike. No water for thim!" + +"Hist!" said Toole uneasily, glancing around to see that no one +but Casey was in hearing. "Mebby ye have not started thim right, +Tim." + +"Mebby not," said Fagan angrily. "Mebby I do not know how t' +start th' water goat, Toole! Mebby there is one way unbeknownst +t' me. If so, I have not tried it. But th' forty-sivin other ways +I have tried, an' th' goats will not swim. I have started thim +backwards an' I have started thim frontwards, an' I have took +thim in by th' horns an' give thim lessons t' swim, an' they will +not swim! I have done me duty by thim, Mike, an' I have wrastled +with thim, an' rolled in th' lake with thim. Was it t' be +swimmin' teacher t' water goats ye got me this job for?" + +"Hist!" said Toole again. "Not so loud, Tim! Ye haven't told +Dugan have ye?" + +"I have not!" said Tim, with anger. "I have not told annybody +annything excipt thim goats an' what I told thim is not dacint +hearin'. I have conversed with thim in strong language, an' it +done no good. No swimmin' for thim! Come on down an' have a chat +with thim yersilf, Toole. Come on down an' argue with thim, an +persuade thim with th' soft sound of yer voice t' swim. Come on +down an' git thim water goats used t' th' water." + +"Ye don't understand th' water goat, Tim," said Toole in gentle +reproof. "I will show ye how t' handle him," and he went out, +followed by the wet Keeper of the Water Goats. + +The two water goats stood at the side of the lake, wet and +mournful, tied to two strong stakes. They looked weary and meek, +for they had had a hard morning, but as soon as they saw Tim +Fagan they brightened up. They arose simultaneously on their hind +legs and their eyes glittered with deadly hatred. They strained +at their ropes, and then, suddenly, panic-stricken, they turned +and ran, bringing up at the ends of their ropes with a shock that +bent the stout stakes to which they were fastened. They stood +still and cowered, trembling. + +"Lay hold!" commanded Toole. "Lay hold of a horn of th' brute +till I show ye how t' make him swim." + +Through the fresh gravel of the beach the four feet of the +reluctant goat ploughed deep furrows. It shook its head from side +to side, but Toole and Fagan held it fast, and into the water it +went." + +"Now!" cried Alderman Toole. "Git behind an' push, Tim! Wan! +Two! Three! Push!" + +Alderman Toole released his hold and Keeper of the Water Goats +Fagan pushed. Then they tried the other goat. It was easier to +try the other water goat than to waste time hunting up the one +they had just tried, for it had gone away. As soon as Alderman +Toole let it go, it went. It seemed to want to get to the other +end of the park as soon as possible, but it did not take the +short cut across the lake--it went around. But it did not mind +travel--it went to the farthest part of the park, and it would +have gone farther if it could. So Alderman Toole and Keeper Fagan +tried the other water goat. That one went straight to the other +end of the park. It swerved from a straight line but once, and +that was when it shied at a pail of water that was in the way. It +did not seem to like water. + +In the Franklin Zoo Dennis Toole had just removed the lid of +his tin lunch-pail when the telegraph boy handed him the yellow +envelope. He turned it over and over, studying its exterior, +while the boy went to look at the shop-worn brown bear. The zoo +keeper decided that there was no way to find out what was inside +of the envelope but to open it. He was ready for the worst. He +wondered, unthinkingly, which one of his forty or more cousins +was dead, and opened the envelope. + +"Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo," he read, "Dongolas won't swim. +How do you make them swim? Telegraph at once. Michael Toole." + +He laid the telegram across his knees and looked at it as if it +was some strange communication from another sphere. He pushed his +hat to one side of his head and scratched the tuft of red hair +thus bared. + +"'Dongolas won't swim!"' he repeated slowly. "An' how do I make +thim swim? I wonder does Cousin Mike take th' goat t' be a fish, +or what? I wonder does he take swimmin' to be wan of th' +accomplishments of th' goat?" He shook his head in puzzlement, +and frowned at the telegram. "Would he be havin' a goat regatta, +I wonder, or was he expectin' th' goat t' be a web-footed animal? +'Won't swim!' he repeated angrily. 'Won't swim!' An' what is it +to me if they won't swim? Nayther would I swim if I was a goat. +'Tis none of me affair if they will not swim. There was nawthin' +said about 'swimmin' goats.' Goats I can give him, an' dongola +goats I can give him, an jumpin' goats, an' climbin' goats, an' +walkin' goats, but 'tis not in me line t'furnish submarine goats. +No, nor goats t' fly up in th' air! Would anny one," he said with +exasperation, "would anny one that got a plain order for goats +ixpict t' have t' furnish goats that would hop up off th' earth +an' make a balloon ascension? 'Tis no fault of Dennis Toole's +thim goats won't swim. What will Mike be telegraphin' me nixt, I +wonder? 'Dear Dennis: Th' goats won't lay eggs. How do ye make +thim?' Bye, have ye a piece of paper t' write an answer t' me +cousin Mike on?" + +The Keeper of the Water Goats and Alderman Toole were sitting +on a rustic bench looking sadly at the water goats when the +Jeffersonville telegraph messenger brought them Dennis Toole's +answer. Alderman Toole grasped the envelope eagerly and tore it +open, and Fagan leaned over his shoulder as he read it: + + +"Michael Toole, Alderman, Jeffersonville," they read. "Put them +in the water and see if they will swim. Dennis Toole." + + +"Put thim in th' wather!" exclaimed Alderman Toole angrily. +"Why don't ye put thim in th' wather, Fagan? Why did ye not think +t' put thim in th' wather?" He looked down at his soaking +clothes, and his anger increased. "Why have ye been tryin' t' +make thim dongolas swim on land, Fagan?" he asked sarcastically. +"Or have ye been throwin' thim up in th' air t' see thim swim? +Why don't ye put thim in th' wather? Why don't ye follow th' +instructions of th' expert dongola water goat man an' put thim in +th' wather if ye want thim t' swim?" + +Fagan looked at the angry alderman. He looked at the dripping +goats. + +"So I did, Mike," he said seriously. "We both of us did." + +"An' did we!" cried Alderman Toole in mock surprise. "Is it +possible we thought t' put thim in th' wather whin we wanted thim +t' swim? It was in me mind that we tied thim to a tree an' played +ring-around-a-rosy with thim t' induce thim t' swim! Where's a +pencil? Where's a piece of paper?" he cried. + +He jerked them from the hand of the messenger boy. The +afternoon was half worn away. Every minute was precious. He wrote +hastily and handed the message to the messenger boy. + +"Fagan," he said, as the boy disappeared down the path at a +run, "raise up yer spirits an come an' give th' water goats some +more instructions in th' ginteel art of swimmin' in th' wather." + +Fagan sighed and arose. He walked toward the dejected water +goats, and, taking the nearest one by the horns yanked it toward +the lake. The goat was too weak to do more than hold back feebly +and bleat its disapproval of another bath. The more lessons in +swimming it received the less it seemed to like to swim. It had +developed a positive hatred of swimming. + +Dennis Toole received the second telegram with a savage grin. +He had expected it. He opened it with malicious slowness. + + +"Dennis Toole, Franklin Zoo," he read. "Where do you think I +put them to make them swim? They won't swim in the lake. It won't +do no good to us for them to swim on dry land. No fooling, now, +how do you make them dongolas swim? Answer quick. + +Michael Toole." + + +He did not have to study out his reply, for he had been +considering it ever since he had sent the other telegram. He took +a blank from the boy and wrote the answer. The sun was setting +when the Jeffersonville messenger delivered it to Alderman Toole. + + +"Mike Toole, Jeffersonville," it said. "Quit fooling, yourself. +Don't you know young dongolas are always water-shy at first? Tie +them in the lake and let them soak, and they will learn to swim +fast enough. If I didn't know any more about dongolas than you do +I would keep clear of them. Dennis Toole." + + +"Listen to that now," said Alderman Toole, a smile spreading +over his face. "An' who ever said I knew annything about water +goats, anny how? Th' natural history of th' water goat is not wan +of the things usually considered part of th' iducation of th' +alderman from th' Fourth Ward, Fagan, but 'tis surprised I am +that ye did not know th' goat is like th' soup bean, an' has t' +be soaked before usin'. Th' Keeper of th' Water Goat should know +th' habits of th' animal, Fagan. Why did ye not put thim in to +soak in th' first place? I am surprised at ye!" + +"It escaped me mind," said Fagan. "I was thinkin' these was +broke t' swimmin' an' did not need t' be soaked. I wonder how +long they should be soaked, Mike?" + +"'Twill do no harrm t' soak thim over night, anny how," said +Toole. "Over night is th' usual soak given t' th' soup-bean an' +th' salt mackerel, t' say nawthin' of th' codfish an' others of +th' water-goat family. Let th' water goats soak over night, +Fagan, an by mornin' they will be ready t' swim like a trout. We +will anchor thim in th' lake, Fagan--an' we will say nawthin' t' +Dugan. 'Twould be a blow t' Dugan was he t' learn th' dongolas +provided fer th' park was young an' wather-shy." + +They anchored the water goats firmly in the lake, and left them +there to overcome their shyness, which seemed, as Fagan and Toole +left them, to be as great as ever. The goats gazed sadly, and +bleated longingly, after the two men as they disappeared in the +dusk, and when the men had passed entirely out of sight, the +goats looked at each other and complained bitterly. + +Alderman Toole thoughtfully changed his wet clothes for dry +ones before he went to Casey's that evening, for he thought Dugan +might be there, and he was. He was there when Toole arrived, and +his brow was black. He had had a bad day of it. Everything had +gone wrong with him and his affairs. A large lump of his +adherents had sloughed off from his party and had affiliated with +his opponents, and the evening opposition paper had come out with +a red-hot article condemning the administration for reckless +extravagance. It had especially condemned Dugan for burdening the +city with new bonds to create an unneeded park, and the whole +thing had ended with a screech of ironic laughter over the--so +the editor called it--fitting capstone of the whole business, the +purchase of two dongola goats at perfectly extravagant prices. + +"Mike," said the big mayor severely, when the little alderman +had offered his greetings, "there is the divil an' all t' pay +about thim dongolas. Th' News is full of thim. 'Twill be th' ind +of us all if they do not pan out well. Have ye tried thim in th' +water yet?" + +"Sure!" exclaimed the little alderman with a heartiness he did +not feel. "What has me an' Fagan been doin' all day but tryin' +thim? Have no fear of th' wather goats, Dugan." + +"Do they swim well, Mike?" asked the big mayor kindly, but with +a weary heaviness he did not try to conceal. + +"Swim!" exclaimed Toole. "Did ye say swim, Dugan? Swim is no +name for th' way they rip thro' the wather! 'Twas marvellous t' +see thim. Ah, thim dongolas is wonderful animals! Do ye think we +could persuade thim t' come out whin we wanted t' come home? Not +thim, Dugan! 'Twas all me an' Fagan could do t' pull thim out by +main force, an' th' minute we let go of thim, back they wint into +th' wather. 'Twas pitiful t' hear th' way they bleated t' be let +back into th' wather agin, Dugan, so we let thim stay in for th' +night." + +"Ye did not let thim loose in th' lake, Mike?" exclaimed the +big mayor. "Ye did not let thim be so they could git away?" + +"No," said Toole. "No! They'll not git away, Dugan. We anchored +thim fast." + +"Ye done good, Mike," said the big mayor. + +The next morning Keeper of the Water Goats Fagan was down +sufficiently early to drag the bodies of the goats out of the +lake long before even the first citizen was admitted to the park. +Alone, and hastily he hid them in the little tool house, and +locked the door on them. Then he went to find Alderman Toole. He +found him in the mayor's office, and beckoned him to one side. In +hot, quick accents he told him the untimely fate of the dongola +water goats, and the mayor--with an eye for everything on that +important day--saw the red face of Alderman Toole grow longer and +redder; saw the look of pain and horror that overspread it. A +chilling fear gripped his own heart. + +"Mike," he said. "What's th' matter with th' dongolas?" + +It was Fagan who spoke, while the little alderman from the +Fourth Ward stood bereft of speech in this awful moment. + +"Dugan," he said, "I have not had much ixperience with th' +dongola wather goat, an' th' ways an' habits of thim is strange +t' me, but if I was t' say what I think, I would say they was +over-soaked." + +"Over-soaked, Fagan?" said the mayor crossly. "Talk sense, will +ye?" + +"Sure!" said Fagan. "An' over-soaked is what I say. Thim water +goats has all th' looks of bein' soaked too long. I would not say +positive, Yer Honour, but that is th' looks of thim. If me own +mother was t' ask me I would say th' same, Dugan. 'Soakin' too +long done it,' is what I would say." + +"You are a fool, Fagan!" exclaimed the big mayor. + +"Well," said Fagan mildly, "I have not had much ixperience in +soakin' dongolas, if ye mean that, Dugan. I do not set up t' be +an expert dongola soaker. I do not know th' rules t' go by. Some +may like thim soaked long an' some may like thim soaked not so +long, but if I was to say, I would say thim two dongolas at th' +park has been soaked a dang sight too long. Th' swim has been +soaked clean out of thim." + +"Are they sick?" asked the big mayor. "What is th' matter with +thim?" + +"They do look sick," agreed Fagan, breaking the bad news +gently. "I should say they look mighty sick, Dugan. If they +looked anny sicker, I would be afther lookin' for a place t' bury +thim in. An' I am lookin' for th' place now." + +As the truth dawned on the mind of the big mayor, he lost his +firm look and sank into a chair. This was the last brick pulled +from under his structure of hopes. His head sank upon his breast +and for many minutes he was silent, while his aides stood abashed +and ill at ease. At last he raised his head and stared at Toole, +more in sorrow than in resentfulness. + +"Mike," he said, "Mike Toole! What in th' worrld made ye soak +thim dongolas?" + +"Dugan," pleaded Toole, laying his hand on the big mayor's arm. +"Dugan, old man, don't look at me that way. There was nawthin' +else t' do but soak thim dongolas. Many's th' time I have seen me +old father soakin' th' young dongolas t' limber thim up for +swimmin'. 'If iver ye have to do with dongolas, Mike,' he used t' +say t' me, 'soak thim well firrst.' So I soaked thim, an' 'tis +none of me fault, nor Fagan's either, that they soaked full o' +wather. First-class dongolas is wather-proof, as iveryone knows, +Dugan, an' how was we t' know thim two was not? How was me an' +Fagan t' know their skins would soak in wather like a pillow +case? Small blame to us, Dugan ." + +The big mayor took his head between his hands and stared +moodily at the floor. + +"Go awn away!" he said after a while. "Ye have done for me an' +th' byes, Toole. Ye have soaked us out of office, wan an' all of +us. I want t' be alone. It is all over with us. Go awn away." + +Toole and the Keeper of the Water Goats stole silently from the +room and out into the street. Fagan was the first to speak. + +"How was we t' know thim dongolas would soak in wather that +way, Toole?" he said defensively. "How was we t' know they was +not th' wather-proof kind of dongolas?" + +The little alderman from the Fourth Ward walked silently by the +Keeper's side. His head was downcast and his hands were clasped +beneath the tails of his coat. Suddenly he looked Fagan full in +the face. + +"'Twas our fault, Fagan," he said. "'Twas all our fault. If we +didn't know thim dongolas was wather-proof we should have +varnished thim before we put thim in th' lake t' soak. I don't +blame you, Fagan, for ye did not know anny better, but I blame +mesilf. For I call t' mind now that me father always varnished +th' dongolas before he soaked thim overnight. 'Take no chances, +Mike,' he used t' say t' me, 'always varnish thim firrst. Some of +thim is rubbery an' will not soak up wather, but some is spongy, +an' 'tis best t' varnish one an' all of thim."' + +"Think of that now!" exclaimed Fagan with admiration. "Sure, +but this natural history is a wonderful science, Toole! To think +that thim animals was th' spongyhided dongola water goats of +foreign lands, an' used t' bein' varnished before each an' every +bath! An' t' me they looked no different from th' goats of me +byehood! I was never cut out for a goat keeper, Mike. An' me job +on th' dump-cart is gone, too. 'Twill be hard times for Fagan." + +"'Twill be hard times for Toole, too," said the little +alderman, and they walked on without speaking until Fagan reached +his gate. + +"Well, anny how," he said with cheerful philosophy, "'tis +better t' be us than to be thim dongola water goats--dead or +alive. 'Tis not too often I take a bath, Mike, but if I was wan +of thim spongy-hided dongolas an' had t' be varnished each time I +got in me bath tub, I would stop bathin' for good an' all." + +He looked toward the house. + +"I'll not worry," he said. "Maggie will be sad t' hear th' job +is gone, but she would have took it harder t' know her Tim was +wastin' his time varnishin' th' slab side of a spongy goat." + +II +MR. BILLINGS'S POCKETS + + +On the sixteenth of June Mr. Rollin Billings entered his home +at Westcote very much later than usual, and stealing upstairs, +like a thief in the night, he undressed and dropped into bed. In +two minutes he was asleep, and it was no wonder, for by that time +it was five minutes after three in the morning, and Mr. +Billings's usual bedtime was ten o'clock. Even when he was +delayed at his office he made it an invariable rule to catch the +nine o'clock train home. + +When Mrs. Billings awoke the next--or, rather, that same-- +morning, she gazed a minute at the thin, innocent face of her +husband, and was in the satisfied frame of mind that takes an +unexpected train delay as a legitimate excuse, when she happened +to cast her eyes upon Mr. Billings's coat, which was thrown +carelessly over the foot of the bed. Protruding from one of the +side pockets was a patent nursing-bottle, half full of milk. +Instantly Mrs. Billings was out of bed and searching Mr. +Billings's other pockets. To her horror her search was fruitful. + +In a vest pocket she found three false curls, or puffs of hair, +such as ladies are wearing to-day to increase the abundance of +their own, and these curls were of a rich brownish red. Finally, +when she dived into his trousers pocket, she found twelve acorns +carefully wrapped in a lady's handkerchief, with the initials +"T. M. C." embroidered in one corner. + +All these Mrs. Billings hid carefully in her upper bureau +drawer and proceeded to dress. When at length she awakened Mr. +Billings, he yawned, stretched, and then, realizing that +getting-up time had arrived, hopped briskly out of bed. + +"You got in late last night," said Mrs. Billings pleasantly. + +If she had expected Mr. Billings to cringe and cower she was +mistaken. He continued to dress, quite in his usual manner, as if +he had a clear conscience. + +"Indeed I did, Mary," he said. "It was three when I entered the +house, for the clock was just striking." + +"Something must have delayed you," suggested Mrs. Billings. + +"Otherwise, dear," said Mr. Billings, "I should have been home +much sooner. + +"Probably," said Mrs. Billings, suddenly assuming her most +sarcastic tone, as she reached into her bureau drawer and drew +out the patent nursing-bottle, "this had something to do with +your being delayed!" + +Mr. Billings looked at the nursing-bottle, and then he drew out +his watch and looked at that. + +"My dear," he said, "you are right. It did. But I now have just +time to gulp down my coffee and catch my train. To-night, when I +return from town, I will tell you the most remarkable story of +that nursing-bottle, and how it happened to be in my pocket, and +in the mean time I beg you--I most sincerely beg you--to feel no +uneasiness. + +With this he hurried out of the room, and a few moments later +his wife saw him running for his train. + +All day Mrs. Billings was prey to the most disturbing thoughts, +and as soon as dinner was finished that evening she led the way +into the library. + +"Now, Rollin?" she said, and without hesitation Mr. Billings +began. + +I. THE PATENT NURSING-BOTTLE + + +You have (he said), I know, met Lemuel, the coloured elevator +boy in our office building, and you know what a pleasant, +accommodating lad he is. He is the sort of boy for whom one would +gladly do a favour, for he is always so willing to do favours for +others, but I was thinking nothing of this when I stepped from my +office at exactly five o'clock yesterday evening. I was thinking +of nothing but getting home to dinner as soon as possible, and +was just stepping into the elevator when Lemuel laid his hand +gently on my arm. + +"I beg yo' pahdon, Mistah Billings," he said politely, "but +would yo' do me a favour?" + +"Certainly, Lemuel," I said; "how much can I lend you?" + +"'Tain't that, sah," he said. "I wish t' have a word or two in +private with yo'. Would yo' mind steppin' back into yo' office +until I git these folks out of th' buildin', so's I can speak to +yo'?" + +I knew I had still half an hour before my six-two train, and I +was not unwilling to do Lemuel a favour, so I went back to my +office as he desired, and waited there until he appeared, which +was not until he had taken all the tenants down in his elevator. +Then he opened the door and came in. With him was the young man I +had often seen in the office next to mine, as I passed, and a +young woman on whom I had never set my eyes before. No sooner had +they opened the door than the young man began to speak, and +Lemuel stood unobtrusively to one side. + +"Mr. Billings," said the young man, "you may think it strange +that I should come to you in this way when you and I are hardly +acquaintances, but I have often observed you passing my door, and +have noted your kind-looking face, and the moment I found this +trouble upon me I instantly thought of you as the one man who +would be likely to help me out of my difficulty. + +While he said this I had time to study his face, and also to +glance at the young woman, and I saw that he must, indeed, be in +great trouble. I also saw that the young woman was pretty and +modest and that she, also, was in great distress. I at once +agreed to help him, provided I should not be made to miss the +six-thirty train, for I saw I was already too late for the +six-two. + +"Good!" he cried. "For several years Madge--who is this young +lady--and I have been in love, and we wish to be married this +evening, but her father and my father are waiting at the foot of +the elevator at this minute, and they have been waiting there all +day. There is no other way for us to leave the building, for the +foot of the stairs is also the foot of the elevator, and, in +fact, when I last peeped, Madge's father was sitting on the +bottom step. It is now exactly fifteen minutes of six, and at six +o'clock they mean to come up and tear Madge and me away, and have +us married." + +"To--" I began. + +"To each other," said the young man with emotion. + +"But I thought that was what you wanted?" I exclaimed. + +"Not at all! Not at all!" said the young man, and the young +woman added her voice in protest, too. "I am the head of the +Statistical Department of the Society for the Obtaining of a +Uniform National Divorce Law, and the work in that department has +convinced me beyond a doubt that forced marriages always end +unhappily. In eighty-seven thousand six hundred and four cases of +forced marriages that I have tabulated I have found that eighty- +seven thousand six hundred and three have been unhappy. In the +face of such statistics Madge and I dare not allow ourselves to +be married against our wills. We insist on marrying voluntarily." + +"That could be easily arranged," I ventured to say, in view of +the fact that both your fathers wish you to be married." + +"Not at all," said Madge, with more independence than I had +thought her capable of; "because my father and Henry's father are +gentlemen of the old school. I would not say anything against +either father, for in ordinary affairs I they are two most suave +and charming old gentlemen, but in this they hold to the old- +school idea that children should allow their parents to select +their life-partners, and they insist that Henry and I allow +ourselves to be forced to marry each other. And that, in spite of +the statistics Henry has shown them. Our whole happiness depends +on our getting out of this building before they can come up and +get us. That is why we appeal to you." + +"If you still hesitate, after what Madge has said," said Henry, +pulling a large roll of paper out of his pocket, "here are the +statistics." + +"Very well," I said, "I will help you, if I can do so and not +miss the six-thirty train. What is your plan?" + +"It is very simple," said Henry. "Our fathers are both quite +near-sighted, and as six o'clock draws near they will naturally +become greatly excited and nervous, and, therefore, less +observant of small things. I have brought with me some burnt cork +with which I will blacken my face, and I will change clothes with +Lemuel, and, in the one moment necessary to escape, my father +will not recognize me. Lemuel, on the other hand, will whiten his +face with some powder that Madge has brought, and will wear my +clothes, and in the excitement my father will seize him instead +of me." + +"Excellent," I said, "but what part do I play in this?" + +"This part," said Henry, "you will wear, over your street +clothes, a gown that Madge has brought in her suit-case and a hat +that she has also brought, both of which her father will easily +recognize, while Madge will redden her face with rouge, muss her +hair, don a torn, calico dress, and with a scrub-rag and a mop in +her hands easily pass for a scrub-woman. + +"And then?" I asked. + +"Then you and Lemuel will steal cautiously down the stairs, as +if you were Madge and I seeking to escape, while Madge and I, as +Lemuel and the scrub-woman, will go down by the elevator. My +father and Madge's father will seize you and Lemuel--" + +"And I shall appear like a fool when they discover I am a +respectable business man rigged up in woman's clothes," I said. + +"Not at all," said Madge, "for Henry and I have thought of +that. You must play your part until you see that henry and I have +escaped from the elevator and have left the building, and that is +all. I have had the forethought to prepare an alibi for you. As +soon as you see that Henry and I are safe outside the building, +you must become very indignant, and insist that you are a +respectable married woman, and in proof you must hand my father +the contents of this package. He will be convinced immediately +and let you go, and then Lemuel can run you up to your office and +you can take off my dress and hat and catch the six-thirty train +without trouble." She then handed me a small parcel, which I +slipped into my coat pocket. + +When this had been agreed upon she and Henry left the office +and I took the hat and dress from the suit-case and put them on, +while Lemuel put on Henry's suit and whitened his face. This took +but a few minutes, and we went into the hall and found Henry and +Madge already waiting for us. Henry was blackened into a good +likeness of Lemuel, and Madge was quite a mussy scrub-woman. They +immediately entered the elevator and began to descend slowly, +while Lemuel and I crept down the stairs. + +Lemuel and I kept as nearly as possible opposite the elevator, +so that we might arrive at the foot of the stairs but a moment +before Madge and Henry, and we could hear the two fathers +shuffling on the street floor, when suddenly, as we reached the +third floor, we heard a whisper from Henry in the elevator. The +elevator had stuck fast between the third and fourth floors. As +with one mind, Lemuel and I seated ourselves on a step and waited +until Henry should get the elevator running again and could +proceed to the street floor. + +For a while we could hear no noise but the grating of metal on +metal as Henry worked with the starting lever of the elevator, +and then we heard the two voices of the fathers. + +"It is a ruse," said one father. "They are pretending the +elevator is stuck, and when we grow impatient and start up the +stairs they will come down with a rush and escape us." + +"But we are not so silly as that," said the other father. "We +will stay right here and wait until they come down." + +At that Lemuel and I settled ourselves more comfortably, for +there was nothing else to do. I cursed inwardly as I felt the +minutes slip by and knew that half-past six had come and gone, +but I was sure you would not like to have me desert those two +poor lovers who were fighting to ward off the statistics, so I +sat still and silent. So did Lemuel. + +I do not know how long I sat there, for it was already dark in +the narrow stairway, but it must have been a long time. I drowsed +off, and I was finally awakened by Lemuel tugging at my sleeve, +and I knew that Henry had managed to start the elevator again. +Lemuel and I hastened our steps, and just as the elevator was +coming into sight below the second floor we were seen by the two +fathers. For an instant they hesitated, and then they seized us. +At the same time the elevator door opened and Henry and Madge +came out, and the two fathers hardly glanced at them as they went +out of the door into the street. + +As soon as I saw that they were safe I feigned great +indignation, and so did Lemuel. + +"Unhand me, sir!" I cried. "Who do you think I am? I am a +respectable married lady, leaving the building with her husband. +Unhand me!" + +Instead of doing so, however, the father that had me by the arm +drew me nearer to the hall light. As he did so he stared closely +at my face. + +"Morgan," he said to the other father, "this is not my +daughter. My daughter did not have a moustache." + +"Indeed, I am not your daughter," I said; "I am a respectable +married lady, and here is the proof." + +With that I reached for the package Madge had given me, but it +was in my coat-pocket, underneath the dress I had on, and it was +only with great difficulty and by raising one side of the skirt +that I was able to get it. I unwrapped it and showed it to the +father that had me by the arm. It was the patent nursing-bottle. + +When Mr. Billings had finished his relation his wife sat for a +moment in silence. Then she said: + +"And he let you go?" + +"Yes, of course," said Mr. Billings; "he could not hold me +after such proof as that, and Lemuel ran me up to my office, +where I changed my hat and took off the dress. I knew it was +late, and I did not know what train I could catch, but I made +haste, and, on the way down in the elevator, I felt in my pocket +to see if I had my commutation ticket, when my hand struck the +patent nursing-bottle. My first impulse was to drop it in the +car, but on second thought I decided to keep it, for I knew that +when you saw it and heard the story you would understand +perfectly why I was detained last night." + +"Yes?" said Mrs. Billings questioningly. "But, my dear, all +that does not account for these." + +As she said that she drew from her workbasket the three +auburn-red curls. + +"Oh, those!" said Mr. Billings, after a momentary hesitation. +"I was about to tell you about those." + +"Do so!" said Mrs. Billings coldly. "I am listening." + +II. THE THREE AUBURN-RED CURLS + + +When I went down in the elevator (said Mr. Billings) with the +nursing-bottle in my pocket, I had no thought but to get to the +train as soon as possible, for I saw by the clock in my office +that I had just time to catch the eleven-nine if I should not be +delayed. Therefore, as soon as I was outside the building I +started to run, but when I reached the corner and was just about +to step on a passing street-car a hand was laid on my arm, and I +turned to see who was seeking to detain me. It was a woman in the +most pitiable rags, and on her arm she carried a baby so thin and +pale that I could scarcely believe it lived. + +One glance at the child showed me that it was on the verge of +death by starvation, and this was confirmed by the moans of the +mother, who begged me for humanity's sake to give her money with +which to provide food for the child, even though I let her, +herself, starve. You know, my dear, you never allow me to give +money to street beggars, and I remembered this, but at the same +time I remembered the patent nursing-bottle I still carried in my +pocket. + +Without hesitation I drew the patent nursing-bottle from my +pocket and told the mother to allow the infant to have a +sufficient quantity of milk it contained to sustain the child's +life until she could procure other alms or other aid. With a cry +of joy the mother took the nursing-bottle and pressed it to the +poor baby's lips, and it was with great pleasure I saw the rosy +colour return to the child's cheeks. The sadness of despair that +had shadowed the mother's face also fled, and I could see that +already she was looking on life with a more optimistic view. + +I verily believe the child could have absorbed the entire +contents of the bottle, but I had impressed upon the mother that +she was to give the child only sufficient to sustain life, not to +suffice it until it was grown to manhood or womanhood, and when +the bottle was half-emptied the mother returned it to me. How +much time all this occupied I do not know, but the child took the +milk with extreme slowness. I may say that it took the milk drop +by drop. A great deal of time must have elapsed. + +But when the mother had returned the patent nursing-bottle to +me and saw how impatient I was to be gone, she still retained her +hold upon my arm. + +"Sir," she said, "you have undoubtedly saved the life of my +child, and I only regret that I cannot repay you for all it means +to me. But I cannot. Stay!" she cried, when I was about to pull +my arm away. "Has your wife auburn-red hair?" + +"No," I said, "she has not. her hair is a most beautiful +black." + +"No matter," said the poor woman, putting her hand to her head. +"Some day she may wish to change the colour of her hair to +auburn-red, which is easily done with a little bleach and a +little dye, and should she do so these may come handy;" and with +that she slipped something soft and fluffy into my hand and fled +into the night. When I looked, I saw in my hand the very curls +you hold there. My first impulse was to drop them in the street, +but I remembered that the poor woman had not given them to me, +but to you, and that it was my duty to bring them home to you, so +I slipped them into my pocket. + + +When Mr. Billings had ended this recital of what had happened +to him his wife said: + +"Huh!" + +At the same time she tossed the curls into the grate, where +they shrivelled up, burst into blue smoke, and shortly +disappeared in ashes. + +"That is a very likely story," she said, "but it does not +explain how this came to be in your pocket." + + +Saying this she drew from her basket the handkerchief and +handed it to Mr. Billings. + +"Hah!" he exclaimed. For a moment he turned the rolled-up +handkerchief over and over, and then he cautiously opened it. At +the sight of the twelve acorns he seemed somewhat surprised, and +when the initials "T. M. C." on the corner of the handkerchief +caught his eye he blushed. + +"You are blushing--you are disturbed," said Mrs. Billings +severely. + +"I am," said Mr. Billings, suddenly recovering himself; "and no +wonder." + +"And no wonder, indeed!" said Mrs Billings. "Perhaps, then, you +can tell me how those acorns and that handkerchief came to be in +your pocket." + +"I can," said Mr. Billings, "and I will." + +"You had better," said Mrs. Billings. + +III. THE TWELVE ACORNS AND THE LADY'S HANDKERCHIEF + + +You may have noticed, my dear (said Mr. Billings), that the +initials on that handkerchief are "T. M. C.," and I wish you to +keep that in mind, for it has a great deal to do with this story. +Had they been anything else that handkerchief would not have +found its way into my pocket; and when you see how those acorns +and that handkerchief, and the half-filled nursing-bottle and the +auburn-red curls all combined to keep me out of my home until the +unearthly hour of three A. M., you will forget the unjust +suspicions which I too sadly fear you now hold against me, and +you will admit that a half-filled patent nursing-bottle, a trio +of curls, a lady's handkerchief and twelve acorns were the most +natural things in the world to find in my pockets. + +When I had left the poor woman with her no-longer-starving baby +I hurriedly glanced into a store window, and by the clock there +saw it was twenty minutes of one and that I had exactly time to +catch the one o'clock train, which is the last train that runs to +Westcote. I glanced up and down the street, but not a car was in +sight, and I knew I could not afford to wait long if I wished to +catch that train. There was but one thing to do, and that was to +take a cab, and, as luck would have it, at that moment an +automobile cab came rapidly around the corner. I raised my voice +and my arm, and the driver saw or heard me, for he made a quick +turn in the street and drew up at the curb beside me. I hastily +gave him the directions, jumped in and slammed the door shut, and +the auto-cab immediately started forward at what seemed to me +unsafe speed. + +We had not gone far when something in the fore part of the +automobile began to thump in a most alarming manner, and the +driver slackened his speed, drew up to the curb and stopped. He +opened the door and put his head in. + +"Something's gone wrong," he said, "but don't you worry. I'll +have it fixed in no time, and then I can put on more speed and +I'll get you there in just the same time as if nothing had +happened." + +When he said this I was perfectly satisfied, for he was a nice- +looking man, and I lay back, for I was quite tired out, it was so +long past my usual bedtime; and the driver went to work, doing +things I could not understand to the fore part of the automobile, +where the machinery is. I remember thinking that the cushions of +this automobile were unusually soft, and then I must have dozed +off, and when I opened my eyes I did not know how much time had +elapsed, but the driver was still at work and I could hear him +swearing. He seemed to be having a great deal of trouble, so I +got out of the automobile, intending to tell him that perhaps I +had better try to get a car, after all. But his actions when he +saw me were most unexpected. He waved the wrench he held in his +hand, and ordered me to get back into the automobile, and I did. +I supposed he was afraid he would lose his fare and tip, but in a +few minutes he opened the door again and spoke to me. + +"Now, sport," he said, "there ain't no use thinkin' about +gettin' that train, because it's gone, and I may as well say now +that you've got to come with me, unless you want me to smash your +head in. The fact is, this ain't no public automobile, and I +hadn't no right to take you for a passenger. This automobile +belongs to a lady and I'm her hired chauffeur, and she's at a +bridge-whist party in a house on Fifth Avenue, and I'm supposed +to be waiting outside that house. One-fifteen o'clock was the +time she said she would be out. But I thought maybe I might make +a dollar or two for myself instead of waiting there all that +time, and she would never know it. And now it is nearly two +o'clock, and if I go back alone she will be raving mad, and I'll +get my discharge and no references, and my poor wife and six +children will have to starve. So you will have to go with me and +explain how it was that I wasn't there at one-fifteen o'clock." + +"My friend," I said, "I am sorry for you, but I do not see how +it would help you, should I refuse to go and you should, as you +say, smash my head in." + +"Don't you worry none about that," he said. "If I smashed your +head in, as I could do easy enough with this wrench, I'd take +what was left of you up some dark street, and lay you on the +pavement and run the machine across you once or twice, and then +take you to a hospital, and that would be excuse enough. You'd be +another 'Killed by an Automobile,' and I'd be the hero that +picked you up and took you to the hospital." + +"Well," I said, "under the circumstances I shall go with you, +not because you threaten me, but because your poor wife and six +children are threatened with starvation." + +"Good!" he said. "And now all you have to do is to think of +what the excuse you will give my lady boss will be." + +With that he lay back against the cushions and waited. He +seemed to feel that the matter did not concern him any more, and +that the rest of it lay with me. + +"Go ahead!" I said to him. "I have no idea what I shall tell +your mistress, but since I have lost the last train I must try to +catch the two o'clock trolley car to Westeote, and I do not wish +to spend any more time than necessary on this business. Make all +the haste possible, and as we go I shall think what I will say +when we get there." + +The driver got out and took his seat and started the car. I was +worried, indeed, my dear. I tried to think of something plausible +to tell the young man's employer; something that would have an +air of self-proof, when suddenly I remembered the half-filled +nursing-bottle and the three auburn-red curls. Why should I not +tell the lady that a poor mother, while proceeding down Fifth +Avenue from her scrub-woman job, had been taken suddenly ill, and +that I, being near, had insisted that this automobile help me +convey the woman to her home, which we found, alas! to be in the +farthest districts of Brooklyn? Then I would produce the three +auburn-red curls and the half-filled nursing-bottle as having +been left in the automobile by the woman, and this proof would +suffice. + +I had fully decided on this when the automobile stopped in +front of a large house in Fifth Avenue, and I had time to tell +the driver that I had thought of the proper thing to say, but +that was all, for the waiting lady came down the steps in great +anger, and was about to begin a good scolding, when she noticed +me sitting in her automobile. + +If she had been angry before she was now furious, and she was +the kind of young woman who can be extremely furious when she +tries. I think nothing in the world could have calmed her had she +not caught sight of my face by the light of two strong lamps on a +passing automobile. She saw in my face what you see there now, my +dear--the benevolent, fatherly face of a settled-down, +trustworthy, married man of past middle age--and as if by magic +her anger fled and she burst into tears. + +"Oh, sir!" she cried, "I do not know who you are, nor how you +happen to be in my car, but at this moment I am homeless and +friendless. I am alone in the world, and I need advice. Let me +get into the car beside you--" + +"Miss," I said, "I do not like to disoblige you, but I can +never allow myself to be in an automobile at this time of night +with a strange woman, unchaperoned." + +These words seemed almost more than she could bear, and my +heart was full of pity, but, just as I was about to spring from +the automobile and rush away, I saw on the walk the poor woman to +whose baby I had given the half of the contents of the patent +nursing-bottle. I called her and made her get into the +automobile, and then I let the young woman enter. + +"Now," I said, "where to?" + +"That," she said, "is what I do not know. When I left my home +this evening I left it forever, and I left a note of farewell to +my father, which he must have received and read by this time, and +if I went back he would turn me from the door in anger, for he is +a gentleman of the old school." + +When I heard these words I was startled. "Can it be," I asked, +"that you have a brother henry?" + +"I have," she admitted; "Henry Corwin is his name." This was +the name of the young man I had helped that very evening to marry +Madge. I told her to proceed. + +"My father," she said, "has been insisting that I marry a man I +do not love, and things have come to such a point that I must +either accede or take things into my own hands. I agreed to elope +this evening with the man I love, for he had long wished me to +elope with him. I was to meet him outside his house at exactly +one-fifteen o'clock, and I told him that if I was not there +promptly he might know I had changed my mind. When the time came +for me to hasten to him in my automobile, which was then to hurry +us to a waiting minister, my automobile was not here. +Unfortunately I did not know my lover's address, for I had left +it in the card pocket in this automobile. I knew not what to do. +As the time passed and my automobile did not appear I knew that +my lover had decided that I was not coming, and had gone away +into his house. Now I cannot go home, for I have no home. I +cannot so lower my pride as to ring the bell of his house and say +I wish to be forgiven and married even yet. What shall I do?" + +For answer I felt in the card pocket of the automobile and drew +out the address of her lover, and without hesitation I gave the +address to the chauffeur. In a few minutes we were there. Leaving +the young woman in the car with the poor woman, I got out and +surveyed the house. It was unpromising. Evidently all the family +but the young man were away for the summer, and the doors and +windows were all boarded up. There was not a bell to ring. I +pounded on the boards that covered the door, but it was +unavailing. The young woman called to me that the young man lived +in the front room of the topmost floor, and could not hear me, +and I glanced up and saw that one window alone of all those in +the house was not boarded up. Instantly I hopped upon the seat +beside the driver and said, "Central Park." + +We dashed up Fifth Avenue and into the Park at full speed, and +when we were what I considered far enough in I ordered him to +stop, and hurrying up a low bank I began to grope among the +leaves of last year under the trees. I was right. In a few +minutes I had filled my pockets with acorns, was back in the car, +and we were hurrying toward the house of the lover, when I saw +standing on a corner a figure I instantly recognized as Lemuel, +the elevator boy, and at the same time I remembered that Lemuel +spent his holidays pitching for a ball nine, He was just the man +I needed, and I stopped and made him get into the car. In a +minute more we were before the house again, and I handed Lemuel a +fistful of acorns. He drew back and threw them with all his +strength toward the upper window. + +My dear, will you believe it? Those acorns were wormy! They +were light. They would not carry to the window, but scattered +like bits of chips when they had travelled but half-way. I was +upset, but Lemuel was not. He ordered the chauffeur to drive to +lower Sixth Avenue with all speed, in order that he might get a +baseball. With this he said he could hit any mark, and we had +started in that direction when, passing a restaurant on Broadway, +I saw emerge Henry and Madge. + +"Better far," I said to myself, "put this young woman in charge +of her brother and his new wife than leave her to elope alone," +and I made the chauffeur draw up beside them. Hastily I explained +the situation, and where we were going at that moment, and Henry +and Madge laughed in unison. + +"Madge," said Henry, "we had no trouble making wormy acorns +travel through the air, had we?" And both laughed again. At this +I made them get into the automobile, and while we returned to the +lover's house I made them explain. It was very simple, and I had +just tied a dozen acorns tightly in my handkerchief, making a +ball to throw at the window, when the poor woman with the baby +noticed that the window was partly open. I asked Lemuel if he +could throw straight enough to throw the handkerchief-ball into +the window, and he said he could, and took the handkerchief, but +a brighter idea came to me, and I turned to the eloping young +lady. + +"Let me have your handkerchief, if it has your initials on it," +I said; "for when he sees that fall into his room he will know +you are here. He will not think you are forward, coming to him +alone, for he will know you could never have thrown the +handkerchief, even if loaded with acorns, to such a height. It +will be your message to him." + +At this, which I do pride myself was a suggestion worthy of +myself, all were delighted, and while I modestly tied twelve +acorns in the handkerchief on which were the initials "T. M. C.," +all the others cheered. Even the woman from whom I had received +the three auburn-red curls cheered, and the baby that was half- +filled out of the patent nursing-bottle crowed with joy. But the +chauffeur honked his honker. Lemuel took the handkerchief full of +acorns in his hand and drew back his famous left arm, when +suddenly Theodora Mitchell Corwin--for that was the eloping young +lady's name--shrieked, and looking up we saw her lover at the +window. He gave an answering yell and disappeared, and Lemuel let +his left arm fall and handed me the handkerchief-ball. + +In the excitement I dropped it into my pocket, and it was not +until I was on the car for Westcote that I discovered it, and +then, not wishing to be any later in getting home, I did not go +back to give it to Theodora Mitchell Corwin; in fact, I did not +know where she had eloped to. Nor could I give it to Madge or +Henry, for they had gone on their wedding journey as soon as they +saw Theodora and her lover safely eloped. + +I had no right to give it to the poor woman with the baby, even +if she had not immediately disappeared into her world of poverty, +and it certainly did not belong to Lemuel, nor could I have given +it to him, for he took the ten dollars the lover gave him and +stayed out so late that he was late to work this morning and was +discharged. He said he was going back to Texas. So I brought the +handkerchief and the twelve acorns home, knowing you would be +interested in hearing their story. + +When Mr. Billings had thus finished his relation of the +happenings of his long evening, Mrs. Billings was thoughtful for +a minute. Then she said: + +"But Rollin, when I spoke to you of the handkerchief and the +twelve acorns you blushed, and said you had reason to blush. I +see nothing in this kind action you did to cause a blush." + +"I blushed," said Mr. Billings, "to think of the lie I was +going to tell Theodora Merrill Corwin--" + +"I thought you said her name was Theodora Mitchell Corwin," +said Mrs. Billings. + +"Mitchell or Merill," said Mr. Billings. "I cannot remember +exactly which." + +For several minutes Mrs. Billings was silent. Occasionally she +would open her mouth as if to ask a question, but each time she +closed it again without speaking. Mr. Billings sat regarding his +wife with what, in a man of less clear conscience, might be +called anxiety. At length Mrs. Billings put her sewing into her +sewing-basket and arose. + +"Rollin," she said, "I have enjoyed hearing you tell your +experiences greatly. I can say but one thing: Never in your life +have you deceived me. And you have not deceived me now." + +For half an hour after this Mr. Billings sat alone, thinking. + +III +OUR FIRST BURGLAR + + +When our new suburban house was completed I took Sarah out to +see it, and she liked it all but the stairs. + +"Edgar," she said, when she had ascended to the second floor, +"I don't know whether it is imagination or not, but it seems to +me that these stairs are funny, some way. I can't understand it. +They are not a long flight, and they are not unusually steep, but +they seem to be unusually wearying. I never knew a short flight +to tire me so, and I have climbed many flights in the six years +we have lived in flats." + +"Perhaps, Sarah," I said, with mild dissimulation, "you are +unusually tired to-day." + +The fact was that I had planned those stairs myself, and for a +particular reason I had made the rise of each step three inches +more than the customary height, and in this way I had saved two +steps. I had also made the tread of the steps unusually narrow; +and the reason was that I had found, from long experience, that +stair carpet wears first on the tread of the steps, where the +foot falls. By making the steps tall enough to save two, and by +making the tread narrow, I reduced the wear on the carpet to a +minimum. I believe in economy where it is possible. For the same +reason I had the stair banisters made wide, with a saddle-like +top to the newel post, to tempt my son and daughter to slide +downstairs. The less they used the stairs the longer the carpet +would last. + +I need hardly say that Sarah has a fear of burglars; most women +have. As for myself, I prefer not to meet a burglar. It is all +very well to get up in the night and prowl about with a pistol in +one hand, seeking to eliminate the life of a burglar, and some +men may like it; but I am of a very excitable nature, and I am +sure that if I did find a burglar and succeeded in shooting him, +I should be in such an excited state that I could not sleep again +that night--and no man can afford to lose his night's rest. + +There are other objections to shooting a burglar in the house, +and these objections apply with double force when the house and +its furnishings are entirely new. Although some of the rugs in +our house were red, not all of them were; and I had no guarantee +that if I shot a burglar he would lie down on a red rug to bleed +to death. A burglar does not consider one's feelings, and would +be quite as apt to bleed on a green rug, and spoil it, as not. +Until burglarizing is properly regulated and burglars are +educated, as they should be, in technical burglary schools, we +cannot hope that a shot burglar will staunch his wound until he +can find a red rug to lie down on. + +And there are still other objections to shooting a burglar. If +all burglars were fat, one of these would be removed; but perhaps +a thin burglar might get in front of my revolver, and in that +case the bullet would be likely to go right through him and +continue on its way, and perhaps break a mirror or a cut-glass +dish. I am a thin man myself, and if a burglar shot at me he +might damage things in the same way. + +I thought all these things over when we decided to build in the +suburbs, for Sarah is very nervous about burglars, and makes me +get up at the slightest noise and go poking about. Only the fact +that no burglar had ever entered our flat at night had prevented +what might have been a serious accident to a burglar, for I made +it a rule, when Sarah wakened me on such occasions, to waste no +time, but to go through the rooms as hastily as possible and get +back to bed; and at the speed I travelled I might have bumped +into a burglar in the dark and knocked him over, and his head +might have struck some hard object, causing concussion of the +brain; and as a burglar has a small brain a small amount of +concussion might have ruined it entirely. But as I am a slight +man it might have been my brain that got concussed. A father of a +family has to think of these things. + +The nervousness of Sarah regarding burglars had led me in this +way to study the subject carefully, and my adoption of jet-black +pajamas as nightwear was not due to cowardice on my part. I +properly reasoned that if a burglar tried to shoot me while I was +rushing around the house after him in the darkness, a suit of +black pajamas would somewhat spoil his aim, and, not being able +to see me, he would not shoot at all. In this way I should save +Sarah the nerve shock that would follow the explosion of a pistol +in the house. For Sarah was very much more afraid of pistols than +of burglars. I am sure there were only two reasons why I had +never killed a burglar with a pistol: one was that no burglar had +ever entered our flat, and the other was that I never had a +pistol. + +But I knew that one is much less protected in a suburb than in +town, and when I decided to build I studied the burglar +protection matter most carefully. I said nothing to Sarah about +it, for fear it would upset her nerves, but for months I +considered every method that seemed to have any merit, and that +would avoid getting a burglar's blood--or mine--spattered around +on our new furnishings. I desired some method by which I could +finish up a burglar properly without having to leave my bed, for +although Sarah is brave enough in sending me out of bed to catch +a burglar, I knew she must suffer severe nerve strain during the +time I was wandering about in the dark. Her objection to +explosives had also to be considered, and I really had to +exercise my brain more than common before I hit upon what I may +now consider the only perfect method of handling burglars. + +Several things coincided to suggest my method. One of these was +Sarah's foolish notion that our silver must, every night, be +brought from the dining-room and deposited under our bed. This I +considered a most foolhardy tempting of fate. It coaxed any +burglar who ordinarily would have quietly taken the silver from +the dining-room and have then gone away peacefully, to enter our +room. The knowledge that I lay in bed ready at any time to spring +out upon him would make him prepare his revolver, and his +nervousness might make him shoot me, which would quite upset +Sarah's nerves. I told Sarah so, but she had a hereditary +instinct for bringing the silver to the bedroom, and insisted. I +saw that in the suburban house this, would be continued as +"bringing the silver upstairs," and a trial of my carpet-saving +stairs suggested to me my burglar-defeating plan. I had the +apparatus built into the house, and I had the house planned to +agree with the apparatus. + +For several months after we moved into the house I had no +burglars, but I felt no fear of them in any event. I was prepared +for them. + +In order not to make Sarah nervous, I explained to her that my +invention of a silver-elevator was merely a time-saving device. +From the top of the dining-room sideboard I ran upright tracks +through the ceiling to the back of the hall above, and in these I +placed a glass case, which could be run up and down the tracks +like a dumbwaiter. All our servant had to do when she had washed +the silver was to put it in the glass case, and I had attached to +the top of the case a stout steel cable which ran to the ceiling +of the hall above, over a pulley, and so to our bedroom, which +was at the front of the hall upstairs. By this means I could, +when I was in bed, pull the cable, and the glass case of silver +would rise to the second floor. Our bedroom door opened upon the +hall, and from the bed I could see the glass case; but in order +that I might be sure that the silver was there I put a small +electric light in the case and kept it burning all night. Sarah +was delighted with this arrangement, for in the morning all I had +to do was to pay out the steel cable and the silver would descend +to the dining-room, and the maid could have the table all set by +the time breakfast was ready. Not once did Sarah have a suspicion +that all this was not merely a household economy, but my burglar +trap. + +On the sixth of August, at two o'clock in the morning, Sarah +awakened me, and I immediately sat straight up in bed. There was +an undoubtable noise of sawing, and I knew at once that a burglar +was entering our home. Sarah was trembling, and I knew she was +getting nervous, but I ordered her to remain calm. + +"Sarah," I said, in a whisper, "be calm! There is not the least +danger. I have been expecting this for some time, and I only hope +the burglar has no dependent family or poor old mother to +support. Whatever happens, be calm and keep perfectly quiet." + +With that I released the steel cable from the head of my bed +and let the glass case full of silver slide noiselessly to the +sideboard. + +"Edgar!" whispered Sarah in agonized tones, "are you giving him +our silver?" + +"Sarah!" I whispered sternly, "remember what I have just said. +Be calm and keep perfectly quiet." And I would say no more. + +In a very short time I heard the window below us open softly, +and I knew the burglar was entering the parlour from the side +porch. I counted twenty, which I had figured would be the time +required for him to reach the dining-room, and then, when I was +sure he must have seen the silver shining in the glass case, I +slowly pulled on the steel cable and raised case and silver to +the hall above. Sarah began to whisper to me, but I silenced her. + +What I had expected happened. The burglar, seeing the silver +rise through the ceiling, left the dining-room and went into the +hall. There, from the foot of the stairs, he could see the case +glowing in the hall above, and without hesitation he mounted the +stairs. As he reached the top I had a good view of him, for he +was silhouetted against the light that glowed from the silver +case. He was a most brutal looking fellow of the prize-fighting +type, but I almost laughed aloud when I saw his build. He was +short and chunky. As he stepped forward to grasp the silver case, +I let the steel cable run through my fingers, and the case and +its precious contents slid noiselessly down to the dining-room. +For only one instant the burglar seemed disconcerted, then he +turned and ran downstairs again. + +This time I did not wait so long to draw up the silver. I +hardly gave him time to reach the dining-room door before I +jerked the cable, and the case was glowing in the upper hall. The +burglar immediately stopped, turned, and mounted the stairs, but +just as he reached the top I let the silver slide down again, and +he had to turn and descend. Hardly had he reached the bottom step +before I had the silver once more in the upper hall. + +The burglar was a gritty fellow and was not to be so easily +defeated. With some word which I could not catch, but which I +have no doubt was profane, or at least vulgar, he dashed up the +stairs, and just as his hand touched the case I let the silver +drop to the dining-room. I smiled as I saw his next move. He +carefully removed his coat and vest, rolled up his sleeves, and +took off his collar. This evidently meant that he intended to get +the silver if it took the whole night, and nothing could have +pleased me more. I lay in my comfortable bed fairly shaking with +suppressed laughter, and had to stuff a corner of a pillow in my +mouth to smother the sound of my mirth. I did not allow the least +pity for the unfortunate fellow to weaken my nerve. + +A low, long screech from the hall told me that I had a man of +uncommon brain to contend with, for I knew the sound came from +his hands drawing along the banister, and that to husband his +strength and to save time, he was sliding down. But this did not +disconcert me. It pleased me. The quicker he went down, the +oftener he would have to walk up. + +For half an hour I played with him, giving him just time to get +down to the foot of the stairs before I raised the silver, and +just time to reach the top before I lowered it, and then I grew +tired of the sport--for it was nothing else to me--and decided to +finish him off. I was getting sleepy, but it was evident that the +burglar was not, and I was a little afraid I might fall asleep +and thus defeat myself. The burglar had that advantage because he +was used to night work. So I quickened my movements a little. +When the burglar slid down I gave him just time to see the silver +rise through the ceiling, and when he climbed the stairs I only +allowed him to see it descend through the floor. In this way I +made him double his pace, and as I quickened my movements I soon +had him dashing up the stairs and sliding down again as if for a +wager. I did not give him a moment for rest, and he was soon +panting terribly and beginning to stumble; but with almost +superhuman nerve he kept up the chase. He was an unusually tough +burglar. + +But quick as he was I was always quicker, and a glimpse of the +glowing case was all I let him have at either end of his climb or +slide. No sooner was he down than it was up, and no sooner was +the case up than he was up after it. In this way I kept +increasing his speed until it was something terrific, and the +whole house shook, like an automobile with a very powerful motor. +But still his speed increased. I saw then that I had brought him +to the place I had prepared for, where he had but one object in +life, and that was to beat the case up or down stairs; and as I +was now so sleepy I could hardly keep my eyes open, I did what I +had intended to do from the first. I lowered the case until it +was exactly between the ceiling of the dining-room and the floor +of the hall above--and turned out the electric light. I then tied +the steel cable securely to the head of my bed, turned over, and +went to sleep, lulled by the shaking of the house as the burglar +dashed up and down the stairs. + +Just how long this continued I do not know, for my sleep was +deep and dreamless, but I should judge that the burglar ran +himself to death sometime between half-past three and a quarter +after four. So great had been his efforts that when I went to +remove him I did not recognize him at all. When I had seen him +last in the glow of the glass silver case he had been a stout, +chunky fellow, and now his remains were those of an emaciated +man. He must have run off one hundred and twenty pounds of flesh +before he gave out. + +Only one thing clouded my triumph. Our silver consisted of but +half a dozen each of knives, forks, and spoons, a butter knife, +and a sugar spoon, all plated, and worth probably five dollars, +and to save this I had made the burglar wear to rags a Wilton +stair carpet worth twenty-nine dollars. But I have now corrected +this. I have bought fifty dollars worth of silver. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Water Goats et. al. by Butler + diff --git a/old/old/twgts10.zip b/old/old/twgts10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3f7f1d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old/twgts10.zip |