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diff --git a/12866-0.txt b/12866-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..581de73 --- /dev/null +++ b/12866-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1303 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12866 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +January 17, 1891. + + + + +[Illustration: OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION. + +DRAWING A BADGER.] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE REGENT STREET TUSSAUD'S. + +_BEFORE THE EFFIGY OF DR. KOCH, WHO IS REPRESENTED IN THE ACT OF +EXAMINING A TEST-TUBE WITH THE EXPRESSION OF BLAND BLAMELESSNESS +PECULIAR TO WAX MODELS._ + +_Well-informed Visitor_. That's Dr. KOCH, making his great discovery! + +[Illustration] + +_Unscientific V._ What did _he_ discover? + +_Well-inf. V._ Why, the Consumption Bacillus. He's got it in that +bottle he's holding up. + +_Unsc. V._ And what's the good of it, now he _has_ discovered it? + +_Well-inf. V._ Good? Why, it's the thing that causes _consumption_, +you know! + +_Unsc. V._ Then it's a pity he didn't leave it alone! + +_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING "THE HOME LIFE AT SANDRINGHAM."_ + +_First Old Lady_ (_with Catalogue_). It says here that "the note +the page is handing _may_ have come from Sir DIGHTON PROBYN, the +Comptroller of the Royal Household" Fancy _that_! + +_Second Old Lady_. He's brought it in in his fingers. Now _that_'s a +thing I never allow in _my_ house. I always tell SARAH to bring all +letters, and even circulars, in on a tray! + +_BEFORE A SCENE REPRESENTING THE LATE FRED ARCHER, MOUNTED, ON ASCOT +RACE-COURSE._ + +_A. Sportsman_. H'm--ARCHER, eh? Shouldn't have backed his mount in +_that_ race! + +_BEFORE "THE LIBRARY AT HAWARDEN."_ + +_Gladstonian Enthusiast_ (_to Friend, who, with the perverse +ingenuity of patrons of Wax-works, has been endeavouring to identify +the Rev. JOHN WESLEY among the Cabinet in Downing Street_). Oh, +never mind all that lot, BETSY; they're only the _Gover'ment_! Here's +dear Mr. and Mrs. GLADSTONE in this next! See, he's lookin' for +something in a drawer of his side-board--ain't that _natural_? And +only look--a lot of people have been leaving Christmas cards on him +(_a pretty and touching tribute of affection, which is eminently +characteristic of a warm-hearted Public_). I wish I'd thought o' +bringing one with me! + +_Her Friend_. So do I. We might send one 'ere by post--but it'll have +to be a New Year Card now! + +_A Strict Old Lady_ (_before next group_). Who are these two? "Mr. +'ENERY IRVING, and Miss ELLEN TERRY in _Faust_," eh? No--I don't care +to stop to see them--that's play-actin', that is--and I don't 'old +with it nohow! What are these two parties supposed to be doin' of over +here? What--Cardinal NEWMAN and Cardinal MANNING at the High Altar +at the Oratory, Brompton! Come along, and don't encourage Popery by +looking at such figures. I _did_ 'ear as they'd got Mrs. PEARCEY and +the prambilator somewheres. I _should_ like to see that, now. + +IN THE CHILDREN'S GALLERY. + +_An Aunt_ (_who finds the excellent Catalogue a mine of useful +information_). Look, BOBBY, dear (_reading_). "Here we have +CONSTANTINE'S Cat, as seen in the '_Nights of Straparola_,' an Italian +romancist, whose book was translated into French in the year 1585--" + +_Bobby_ (_disappointed_). Oh, then it _isn't_ Puss in Boots! + +_A Genial Grandfather_ (_pausing before "Crusoe and Friday"_). Well, +PERCY, my boy, you know who _that_ is, at all events--eh? + +_Percy_. I suppose it is STANLEY--but it's not very like. + +_The G.G._ STANLEY!--Why, bless my soul, never heard of _Robinson +Crusoe_ and his man _Friday_? + +_Percy_. Oh, I've _heard_ of them, of course--they come in +Pantomimes--but I like more grown-up sort of books myself, you know. +Is this girl asleep _She_? + +_The G.G._ No--at least--well, I expect it's "_The Sleeping Beauty_." +You remember her, of course--all about the ball, and the glass +slipper, and her father picking a rose when the hedge grew round the +palace, eh? + +_Percy_. Ah, you see, Grandfather, you had more time for general +reading than we get. (_He looks through a practicable cottage +window._) Hallo, a Dog and a Cat. Not badly stuffed! + +_The G.G._ Why that must be "_Old Mother Hubbard_." (_Quoting from +memory._) "Old Mother Hubbard sat in a cupboard, eating a Christmas +pie--or a _bone_ was it?" + +_Percy_. Don't know. It's not in _Selections from British Poetry_, +which we have to get up for "rep." + +_The Aunt_ (_reading from Catalogue_). "The absurd ambulations of +this antique person, and the equally absurd antics of her dog, need no +recapitulation." Here's "_Jack the Giant Killer_" next. Listen, BOBBY, +to what it says about him here. (_Reads._) "It is clearly the last +transmutation of the old British legend told by GEOFFREY of Monmouth, +of CORINEUS the Trojan, the companion of the Trojan BRUTUS, when +he first settled in Britain. But more than this"--I hope you're +listening, BOBBY?--"_more_ than this, it is quite evident, even to +the superficial student of Greek mythology, that many of the main +incidents and ornaments are borrowed from the tales of HESIOD and +HOMER." Think of that, now! + + [_BOBBY thinks of it, with depression._ + +_The G.G._ (_before figure of Aladdin's Uncle selling new lamps for +old_). Here you are, you see! "_Ali Baba_," got 'em all here, you see. +Never read your "_Arabian Nights_," either! Is that the way they bring +up boys nowadays! + +_Percy_. Well, the fact is, Grandfather, that unless a fellow +reads that kind of thing when he's _young_, he doesn't get a chance +afterwards. + +_The Aunt_ (_still quoting_). "In the famous work," BOBBY, "by which +we know MASÛDI, he mentions the Persian Hezar Afsane-um-um-um,--nor +have commentators failed to notice that the occasion of the book +written for the Princess HOMAI resembles the story told in the Hebrew +Bible about ESTHER, her mother or grandmother, by some Persian Jew two +or three centuries B.C." Well, I never knew _that_ before!... This is +"_Sindbad and the Old Man of the Sea_"--let's see what they say about +_him_. (_Reads._) "Both the story of _Sindbad_ and the old Basque +legend of Tartaro are undoubtedly borrowed from the _Odyssey_ of +HOMER, whose _Iliad_ and _Odyssey_ were translated into Syriac in +the reign of HARUN-UR-RASHID." Dear, dear, how interesting, now! +and, BOBBY, what _do_ you think someone says about "_Jack and the +Beanstalk_"? He says--"this tale is an allegory of the Teutonic +Al-fader, the red hen representing the all-producing sun: the +moneybags, the fertilising rain; and the harp, the winds." Well, I'm +sure it seems likely enough, doesn't it? + + [_BOBBY suppresses a yawn; PERCY's feelings are outraged by + receiving a tin trumpet from the Lucky Tub; general move to + the scene of the Hampstead Tragedy._ + +_BEFORE THE HAMPSTEAD TABLEAUX._ + +_Spectators_. Dear, dear, there's the _dresser_, you see, and the +window, broken and all; it's wonderful how they can _do_ it! And +there's poor Mrs. 'OGG--it's real butter and a real loaf she's +cutting, and the poor baby, too!... Here's the actual casts taken +after they were murdered. Oh, and there's Mrs. PEARCEY wheeling +the perambulator--it's the _very_ perambulator! No, not the very +one--they've got _that_ at the other place, and the piece of toffee +the baby sucked. Have they really! Oh, we _must_ try and go there, +too, before the children's holidays are over. And this is all? Well, +well, everything very nice, I _will_ say. But a pity they couldn't get +the _real_ perambulator! + + * * * * * + +BURNS VERSUS BURNS. + +A SONG OF THE GREAT SCOTCH STRIKE. TUNE--"_PUSH ABOUT THE JORUM!_" + +[Illustration] + + "Oh, let us not like snarling tykes, + In wrangling be divided; + Till slap comes in an uncoo loon + And with a rung decide it. + Be Britain still to Britain true, + Among oursels united; + For never but by British hands + Maun British wrongs be righted!" + + ROBERT BURNS's "_Dumfries Volunteers_." + +_Shade of_ BURNS, _loquitur_:-- + + O, rantin' roarin' JOHNNY BURNS, + My namesake--in a fashion, + You do my Scots the warst o' turns + Sae stirrin' up their passion. + Whence come ye, JOHNNY? Frae the Docks? + Or frae the County Council? + Sure Scots can do their ain hard knocks; + We take your brag and bounce ill! + Fal de ral, &c. + + Does Cockneydom invasion threat? + Then let the louns beware, Sir! + Scotland, they'll find, is Scotland yet, + And for hersel' can fare, Sir. + The Thames shall run to join the Tweed, + Criffel adorn Thames valley, + 'Ere wanton wrath and vulgar greed + On Scottish ground shall rally. + Fal de ral, &c. + + A man's a man for a' that, JOHN, + And ane's as good as tither; + But that ship's crew is fated, JOHN, + That mutinies in bad weather. + Nae flouts to "honest industry" + Shall fa' frae the Exciseman; + But ane who blaws up strife like this, + Wisdom deems not a wise man. + Fal de ral, &c. + + Scot business may be out o' tune, + True harmony may fail in't, + But deil a cockney tinkler loon + We need to rant and rail in't. + Our fathers on occasion fought, + And so can we, if needed; + But windy words with frenzy fraught + Sound Scots should pass unheeded. + Fal de ral, &c. + + Let toilers not, like snarling tykes, + In wrangling be divided, + Till foreign Trade, which marks our Strikes, + Steps in, and we're derided. + Be Scotland still to Scotland true, + Amang oursels united; + 'Tis not by firebrands, JOHN, like you + Our wrangs shall best be righted. + Fal de ral, &c. + + The knave who'd crush the toilers doun, + And him, his true-born brither, + Who'd set the mob aboon the Crown, + Should be kicked out together. + Go, JOHN! Learn temperance, banish spleen! + Scots cherish throne and steeple, + But while we sing "_God save the Queen_," + _We_ won't forget the People. + Fal de ral, &c. + + * * * * * + +A LENGTHY NOVEL.--_A Thousand Lines of Her Own_, in 3000 vols., by the +Authoress of _A Line of Her Own_, in 3 vols. N.B.--What a long line +this must be to occupy three vols.! A work of and for a lifetime. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. + +_Small Stranger_ (_to Master of the house_). "OW MY! THE GENTLEMAN AS +OPENS THE DOOR _WILL_ GIVE IT YER, IF YER RING _THAT_ BELL!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC GOSSIP. + +During the preparation of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN's new Opera, _Ivanhoe_, +a grave objection to the subject occurred to him, which was, that +one of the chief personages in the _dramatis personæ_ must be +"Gilbert"--i.e., _Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert_. True, that _Sir Brian_ +is the villain of the piece, but this, to Sir ARTHUR's generous +disposition, only made matters worse. It was evident that he couldn't +change the character's name to _Sir Brian de Bois-Sullivan_, and Mr. +D'OYLEY CARTE refused to allow his name to appear in the bill except +as Lessee. "I can't put him in simply as _Sir Brian_," said the +puzzled Composer, "unless I make him an Irishman, and I don't think my +librettist will consent to take this liberty with SCOTT's novel." "But +the name in the Opera isn't pronounced the same as W.S.G.'s," objected +D'OYLEY. "It will be outside the Opera by ninety out of a hundred," +answered Sir ARTHUR. "But," continued D'OYLEY, persistently, "it isn't +spelt the same." "No," replied Sir ARTHUR, "that's the worst of it; +there's 'u' and 'i' in it; we're both mixed up with this _Guilbert_." +Fortunately, the Composer and the Author made up their quarrel, and as +a memento of the happy termination to the temporary misunderstanding, +Sir ARTHUR, in a truly generous mood, designed to call the character +"_Sir Brian de Bois-Gilbert-and-Sullivan_." Whether the mysterious +librettist, whose name has only lately been breathed in the public +ear, insisted on SCOTT's original name being retained or not, it is +now pretty certain that there will be no departure from the great +novelist's original nomenclature. + + * * * * * + +A BREACH OF VERACITY.--According to the papers, the Chief Secretary's +Lodge in Dublin is blocked with parcels of clothing designed for the +poor in the West of Ireland, sent in response to the request of Lord +ZETLAND and Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. We understand there is no truth in the +report, that amongst the first arrivals was a parcel containing Mr. +O'BRIEN's br--s, with a note explaining, that as he was about to go to +prison again, he had no further use for the article. + + * * * * * + +NEW IRISH DRINK.--The Parnellite "Split." + + * * * * * + +A REMINISCENCE OF C.K. + +The excellent article in the _Times_ on the 6th inst. upon CHARLES +KEENE was worthy of its subject. The writer in the _P.M.G._ of a day +earlier performed his self-imposed task with a judicious and loving +hand, and, as far as I can judge, his account of our lamented +colleague seems to be correct. As to our CARLO's Mastership in his +Black-and-White Art, there can be but one opinion among Artists. Those +who possess the whole of the _Once a Week_ series will there find +admirable specimens of CHARLES KEENE in a more serious vein. His most +striking effects were made as if by sudden inspiration. I remember a +story which exactly illustrates my meaning. An artistic friend was in +KEENE's studio, while CARLO was at work, pipe in mouth, of course. "I +can't understand," said his friend, "how you produce that effect of +distance in so small a picture." "O--um--easy enough," replied KEENE. +"Look here,"--and--_he did it_. But when and how he gave _the_ touch +which made the effect, his friend, following his work closely, was +unable to discover. F.C.B. + + * * * * * + +PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--There is always something fresh coming out at +Messrs. DOWDESWELL's Articultural Garden in Bond Street. Their latest +novelty is the result of a caravan tour from Dieppe to Nice ("Dieppend +upon it, he found it very nice!" said Young PAR, regardless of +propriety and pronunciation) by Mr. C.P. SAINTON. CHARLES COLLINS +utilised such an expedition from a literary point of view in his +inimitable "_Cruise upon Wheels_," and this young artist has +turned similar wanderings to good artistic account. His _cartes de +visite_--no, I beg pardon, his _caravans de visite_--are numerous and +varied. Verily, my brethren, all is caravanity! Not altogether, for +Mr. SAINTON, in addition to returning with his caravan and himself, +has brought back an interesting collection of original and delicate +works in oil and silver-point--in short, taken every caravantage of +his special opportunities. Yours parlously, OLD PAR. + + * * * * * + +"MAY IT PLEASE YOUR 'WARSHIPS.'"--Twenty-three American ships, 118 +guns, and 3,000 men; six British ships, 52 guns, 1,229 men; and seven +German ships, 42 guns, and 1,500 men--all in "Pacific" waters! Looks +like Pacific, doesn't it? + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. + +NO. XI.--THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE. + +BY READER FAGHARD, AUTHOR OF "QUEEN BATHSHEBA'S EWERS," "YAWN," +"GUESS," "ME," "MY MA'S AT PENGE," "SMALLUN HALFBOY," "GENERAL +PORRIDGE, D.T.," "ME A KISS," "THE HEMISPHERE'S WISH," &C., &C. + + [In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of this + novel, the Author gives a description of his literary method. + We have only room for a few extracts. "I have been accused of + plagiarism. I reply that the accusation is ridiculous. Nature + is the great plagiarist, the sucker of the brains of authors. + There is no situation, however romantic or grotesque, which + Nature does not sooner or later appropriate. Therefore the + more natural an author is, the more liable is he to envious + accusations of plagiarism.... Humour may often be detected in + an absence of leg-coverings. A naval officer is an essentially + humorous object.... As to literary style, it can be varied + at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South + African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, '_Ars + Langa Rider brevis_,' and a very good motto too. I like + writing in couples. Personally I could never have bothered + myself to learn up all these quaint myths and literary fairy + tales, but LANG likes it."] + +CHAPTER I. + +[Illustration: "Then a strange thing happened."] + +My name is SMALLUN HALFBOY, a curious name for an old fellow like +me, who have been battered and knocked about all over the world from +Yorkshire to South Africa. I'm not much of a hand at writing, but, +bless your heart, I know the _Bab Ballads_ by heart, and I can tell +you it's no end of a joke quoting them everywhere, especially when +you quote out of an entirely different book. I am not a brave man, but +nobody ever was a surer shot with an Express longbow, and no one ever +killed more Africans, men and elephants, than I have in my time. But +I do love blood. I love it in regular rivers all over the place, with +gashes and slashes and lopped heads and arms and legs rolling about +everywhere. Black blood is the best variety; I mean the blood of black +men, because nobody really cares twopence about them, and you can +massacre several thousands of them in half-a-dozen lines and offend no +single soul. And, after all, I am not certain that black men have any +souls, so that makes things safe all round, as someone says in the +_Bab Ballads_. + +CHAPTER II. + +I was staying with my old friend Sir HENRY HURTUS last winter at +his ancestral home in Yorkshire. We had been shooting all day with +indifferent results, and were returning home fagged and weary with our +rifles over our shoulders. I ought to have mentioned that COODENT--of +course, you remember Captain COODENT, R.N.--was of the party. Ever +since he had found his legs so much admired by an appreciative public, +he had worn a kilt without stockings, in order to show them. This, +however, was not done from vanity, I think, but rather from a high +sense of duty, for he felt that those who happened to be born with +personal advantages ought not to be deterred by any sense of false +modesty from gratifying the reading public by their display. Lord, how +we had laughed to see him struggling through the clinging brambles +in Sir HENRY's coverts with his eye-glass in his eye and his Express +at the trail. At every step his unfortunate legs had been more and +more torn, until there was literally not a scrap of sound skin upon +them anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid lot, had roared when old +VELVETEENS the second keeper had brought up to poor COODENT a lump of +flesh from his right leg, which he had found sticking on a thorn-bush +in the centre of the high covert. Suddenly Sir HENRY stopped and +shaded his eyes with his hand anxiously. We all imitated him, though +for my part, not being a sportsman, I had no notion what was up. +"What's the time of day, Sir HENRY?" I ventured to whisper. Sir HENRY +never looked at me, but took out his massive gold Winchester repeater +and consulted it in a low voice. "Four thirty," I heard him say, "they +are about due." Suddenly there was a whirring noise in the distance. +"Duck, duck!" shouted Sir HENRY, now thoroughly aroused. I immediately +did so, ducked right down in fact, for I did not know what might be +coming, and I am a very timid man. At that moment I heard a joint +report from Sir HENRY and COODENT. It gave on the whole a very +favourable view of the situation, and by its light I saw six fine +mallard, four teal and three widgeon come hurtling down, as dead as so +many door-nails, and much heavier on the top of my prostrate body. + +When I recovered Sir HENRY was bending over me and pouring brandy down +my throat. COODENT was sitting on the ground binding up his legs. "My +dear old friend," said Sir HENRY, in his kindest tone, "this Yorkshire +is too dangerous. My mind is made up. This very night we all start for +Mariannakookaland. There at least our lives will be safe." + +CHAPTER III. + +We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a month travelling +on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the scorching African sun +which all but burnt us in our _treks_. Our _Veldt_ slippers were worn +out, and our pace was consequently reduced to the merest _Kraal_. At +rare intervals during our adventurous march, we had seen Stars and +heard of Echoes, but now not a single _Kopje_ was left, and we were +trudging along mournfully with our blistered _tongas_ protruding from +our mouths. + +Suddenly Sir HENRY spoke--"SMALLUN, my old friend," he said, "do you +see anything in the distance?" + +I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see nothing +but the horizon. "Look again," said Sir HENRY. I swept the distance +with my glance. It was a sandy, arid distance, and, naturally enough, +a small cloud of dust appeared. Then a strange thing happened. The +cloud grew and grew. It came rolling towards us with an unearthly +noise. Then it seemed to be cleft in two, as by lightning, +and from its centre came marching towards us a mighty army of +Amazonian warriors, in battle-array, chanting the war-song of the +Mariannakookas. I must confess that my first instinct was to fly, my +second to run, my third, and best, to remain rooted to the spot. When +the army came within ten yards of us, it stopped, as if by magic, +and a stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect, who seemed to be the +Commander-in-Chief, advanced to the front. On her head she wore an +immense native jelibag, tricked out with feathers; her breast was +encased in a huge silver _tureene_. Her waist was encircled with +a broad girdle, in which were stuck all manner of deadly arms, +_stuhpans, sorspans, spîhts_, and _deeshecloutz_. In her left hand she +carried a deadly-looking _kaster_, while in her right she brandished a +massive _rolinpin_, a frightful weapon, which produces internal wounds +of the most awful kind. Her regiments were similarly armed, save that, +in their case, the breast-covering was made of inferior metal, and +they wore no feathers in their head-dress. The Commander held up her +hand. Instantly the war-song ceased. Then the Commander addressed +us, and her voice sounded like the song of them that address the +_butchaboys_ in the morning. And this was the _torque_ she hurled at +us,-- + +CHAPTER IV. + +"Oh, wanderers from a far country, I am She-who-will-never-Obey, the +Queen of the Mariannakookas. I rule above, and in nether regions, +where there is Eternal Fire. Behold my Word goes forth, and the Ovens +are made hot, and the _Kee-chen-boi-lars_ are filled with Water. Over +me no Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I keep in subjection, save +only the _Weeklibuks_; them I keep not down, for they delight me. And +the land over which I reign is made glad with fat and much stored +up _Dripn_. Who are ye, and what seek ye here? Speak ere it be too +late!" And as she ceased the whole army broke forth into a chorus, +"She-who-will-never-Obey has spoken! The Word is gone forth! Speak, +speak!" I confess I was alarmed, and my fears were not diminished +when two of the _Skulrimehds_ (a sort of native camp-follower) came +up to COODENT and me, and actually began to make love to us in the +most forward manner. But Sir HENRY maintained his calm demeanour. +"She-who-will-never-Obey," he said, "we are peaceful traders. We +bring no Commission--" how his sentence would have ended will never +be known. Certain it is that what he said roused the Amazons to a +frenzy of passion. They yelled and danced round us. "He who brings no +Commission must die!" they shouted; and in a moment we found ourselves +bound tightly hand-and-foot, and marching as prisoners of war in the +centre of the Mariannakookaland army. + +CHAPTER V. + +It is unnecessary to go through the details of our marvellous escape +from the lowest dungeon of the royal Palace of SURVAN TSAUL, where for +months we were immured on a constant diet of suet pudding. Of course +we did escape, but only after killing ten thousand Mariannakookas, +and then swimming for a mile in their blood. COODENT brought with him +a very pretty _Skulrimehd_ who had grown attached to him, but she +drooped and pined away after he lost his false teeth in crossing a +river, and tried to replace them with orange-peel, a trick he had +learnt at school. Sir HENRY's fight with She-who-will-never-Obey is +still remembered. He will carry the marks of her nails on his cheeks +to his grave. I myself am tired of wandering. "_Home, Sweet Home_," as +the _Bab Ballads_ have it, is the place for me. + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +AN UNREHEARSED EFFECT. + +(_BY OUR OWN RECITER._) + +[Illustration] + + I went to see the Pantomime this Christmas in our town. + We laughed enough the opening night to bring the theatre down. + The piece was _Burleybumbo_, _the Old Giant, and his Men_; + _Fairy Starlight, Little Popsey, and the Demon of the Glen_. + The Supers were collected from the local talent round, + And for _Burleybumbo's_ servant the Blacksmith, JOHN, they found; + A stalwart varlet was required to carry off his foes + To Burleybumbo Castle, where he ate them as he chose. + His minions, who wore hideous masks, had nothing much to say, + So an IRVING was not wanted to do their part of the play. + On this eventful night the house was packed from roof to pit, + And the Manager was jubilant at having made a hit. + The Curtain drawing slowly up, revealed a flowery glade, + In which the _Fairy Starlight_ and her lovely maidens played. + The wicked Demon then came on, and round the stage did glower; + No mortal man could e'er withstand his wrath or evil power. + Last of all came _Burleybumbo_ with his crew, a motley horde, + Our old friend, Blacksmith JOHN, was in attendance on his lord. + They were singing and carousing, when a man rushed in to say + That a dozen wealthy travellers were coming down that way. + The band dispersed, and hid themselves, in hopes that they might plunder + The unsuspecting wayfarers. Alas! now came the blunder: + Old JOHN he wouldn't hide himself, but coolly walked about + Advancing to the footlights, he looked around--but hark! a shout:-- + "Confound you! Dash my--! Just come off! Hi, you! Who are you? JOHN!" + "Not if I knowsh it, jolly old pal! I've only just come on!" + Thus saying, he lumbered round the stage. The Prompter's heart had sunk: + No doubt about the matter--_Burleybumbo's_ man is drunk! + "Come off! Come off!" from every wing was now the angry cry. + "Me off, indeed! Oh, would yer? Sh'like to see the feller try!" + _Burleybumbo_ then appeared, and vainly tried to drag him back. + JOHN stove his pasteboard head in with a most refreshing crack. + The wicked Demon now rushed on; his supernatural might + Was very little use to him on this surprising night. + He tried to push him down the glade, but here again JOHN sold him; + He caught the Demon round the waist, and at the Prompter bowled him. + Ah! such a shindy ne'er was seen, such riot and such rage-- + It was the finest "rally" ever seen on any stage! + 'Mid shrieks and cat-calls, whistles shrill, hysterics and guffaws, + They rang the Curtain down amidst uproarious applause. + The piece is still a great success; but, I regret to say, + JOHN's name appears no longer in the bills of that fine play! + + * * * * * + +NOT INSIDE OUT. + + Fair Maiden, you're looking a vision of beauty, + You may comfort yourself you've no rival to fear; + But you won't take it ill if I feel it my duty + To whisper a word of advice in your ear. + + Now, the word would be this--when the daylight is dawning, + Or, at any rate, when it's more early than late, + Pray remember the coachman, who, fitfully yawning + Outside in the street, finds it weary to wait. + + You reck not at all of the hours that are fleeting, + You ask for an "extra"--you can't be denied. + But though, doubtless, soft nothings may set your heart beating, + Yet they're awfully cold for the people outside. + + Want of thought, not of heart, is the reason as ever, + So if you find leisure to read through this rhyme, + When you order your carriage, in future endeavour + To prevent any waiting--by being in time, + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +The Publisher of _The Century Illustrated Monthly Magazine_, earnestly +requests the reviewer, appealing to his heart in the reddest of red +ink, on a slip of paper pasted on to the cover of the Magazine, not +to extract and quote more than one column of "Talleyrand's Memoirs," +which appear in this number for January. The Publisher of the +_C.I.M.M._ does not appeal personally to the Baron--who is now +the last, bar one, of the Barons, and that bar one is one at the +Bar,--but, for all that, the Baron hereby and hereon takes his +solummest Half-a-Davey or his entire Davey, that he will not write, +engrave, or represent, or cause to be, &c, for purposes of quotation, +one single word, much less line, of _Tallyho_--beg pardon, of +_Talleyrand_,--extracts from whose memoirs are now appearing in the +aforesaid _C.I.M.M._ But all he will say at present is this, that, +if the secret and private Memoirs haven't got in them anything more +thrilling or startling, or out of the merest common-place, than +appears in this number of the _C.I.M.M._, then the Baron will say that +he would prefer reading such contributions as M. de BLOWITZ's story of +"How he became a Special," or _The Pigmies of the African Forest_ by +HENRY M. STANLEY in the same number of this Mag. + +[Illustration] + +What the Baron dearly loves is, ELLIOT STOCK-IN-TRADE _The Book-worm_, +always most interesting to Book-worms, and almost as interesting to +Book-grubs or Book-butterflies. By the way, the publishing office of +_The Book-worm_ ought to be in Grub Street. For what sort of fish is +_The Book-worm_ an attractive bait? I suppose there are queer fish in +the Old Book trade that can take in any number of Book-worms, as is +shown from a modern instance, well and wisely commented upon in this +very number for January, No. 38, which is excellent food for worms; +the whole series, indeed, must be a very Diet of Worms. Success to +the _Book-worm_! May it grow to double the size, and be a glow-worm, +to enlighten us in the bye-paths of literature. "_Prosit!_" says the +Baron. + +I would that some one would write of BROWNING's work as HENRY VAN DYKE +has written of TENNYSON's. To the superficial and cursory reader of +the Laureate, the Baron, sitting by the fire on a winter's night, the +wind howling over the sea, and the snow drifting against the window, +and being chucked in handfuls down the chimney, and frizzling on the +fire, says, get this book, published by ELKIN MATHEWS: _ça donne +à penser_, and this is its great merit. "Come into the Garden, +Maud"--no, thank you, not to-night; but give me my shepherd's pipe, +with the fragrant bird's-eye in it, with [Greek: ton grogon], while I +sit by the cheerful fire, in the best of good company--my books. + +Our Mr. GRIFFITHES (CHESTER, MAYHEW, BROOME, AND GRIFFITHES) has been +all the way _From Bedford Row to Swazieland_, and has written a lively +narrative of his perilous journey. He went on a professional retainer. +You don't catch Bedford Row in Swazieland on other terms. Being there, +he kept his eyes open, saw a good deal, and describes his impressions +in racy fashion. He did not like the coffee served _en route_, and +was disappointed with the Southern Cross; but on the whole enjoyed +the trip. One would naturally expect that the price of his book would +be six-and-eight-pence, or, regarding it in the form of a letter, +three-and-fourpence, but BRADBURY, AGNEW, & Co. issue it at a +shilling. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Our Artist_. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PORTRAITS, MISS BUNNY? THE +SITTERS ARE ALL OLD FRIENDS OF YOURS, I BELIEVE?" + +_Miss Bunny_ (_triumphantly_). "YES; AND, ONLY THINK, I'VE ACTUALLY +MANAGED TO GUESS THEM ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +ARBITRATION. + + _Seal, suddenly emerging, loquitur_:-- + + Belay, you two lubbers, avast there! avast there! + What signifies squalling and squabbling? + You're both argufying a good bit too fast there, + Whilst that which you stand on seems wobbling. + You'll be in a mess, Messmates, shortly, the pair of you. + Give _me_ a thought in the matter! + _My_ interest's at stake, and it isn't quite fair of you + Me to ignore 'midst your clatter. + + If 'twere not for me, Mates, this cold Behring's Sea, Mates, + Would hardly strike you as so tempting. + Do grant your poor prey, if I may make so free, Mates, + From slaughter some annual exempting! + I'm worried and walloped without intermission + Until even family duties + Quite fail, whilst your countrymen cudgel and fish on. + By Jingo, some of 'em are beauties! + + My poor wife and children have not half a chance, Mates. + That's not to your interest, I reckon. + Cease shindy, and on a new course make advance, Mates, + Where sense and humanity beckon. + There's not much of either in cruelly clubbing + My progeny all out of season; + And if you are bent upon mutual drubbing, + You must quite have parted with reason. + + _Mare clausum_, be blowed! That's all BLAINE's big bow-wow, Mates. + Men can't thus monopolise oceans. + Diplomacy _must_ find a compromise now, Mates, + And, well--I have told you _my_ notions. + Give me a close-time,--I shall be very grateful-- + And leave the Sea open! What more, Mates? + For brothers like you to be huffing, is hateful. + Be friends, think of me, and--_bong swor_, Mates! + + [_Dives under._ + + * * * * * + +UP-TO-TIME TABLE, FROM THE NORTH. + + | Morning | Mineral | General |Traffic and| + | Fast. |and Parl.| Express.|Even. Mail.| +---------------------+---------+---------+---------+-----------+ +Edinburgh \ |7 A.M. to|11 A.M. A| Noon F | 9 P.M. L | +(Waverley Station)/ | 9.30 | | | | +Carlisle | 12.15 | ... | ... | ... | +Hawick | 4.30 | B | ... | ... | +Galashiels | 9.45 | ... | 2.15 G | 1 A.M. M | + / | 1 P.M. | | | | +Motherwell < |(Stopped | 4 P.M. C| 3.19 H | 3.20 N | + \ |by riot) | | | | +St. Margaret's Works | 3.30 | 5 D | ... | ... | +Perth |9.45 A.M.| ... | 11.26 I | ... | +Glasgow |12.30P.M.| ... | ... | ... | +Aberfeldy | 6.13 | ... | ... | ... | +Dundee |1.12 A.M.|3A.M.to 9| ... | ... | +Inverness | 9.23 | ... | 3.5 J | ... | +Aberdeen | 11.6 |7 P.M.? E|1 A.M. K | O | +---------------------+---------+---------+---------+-----------+ + +A--Takes delayed pig-iron and third-class passengers. B--Half of +train stops here through breaking an axle-pin. C--Passengers, for +protection, get under seats of carriages. D--Stops for repairs. +E--Having had a collision at the junction for Aberfeldy, will come on, +if there are any passengers equal to finishing the journey. + +F--Starts under the management of a Director, and, owing to a +misunderstanding, dashes off to Aberdeen, without stopping. G--Doesn't +stop, but knocks over a station-master. H--Is pelted as it tears +through the station by _ex-employés_. I--Knocks over another +station-master. J--Meets a pilot-engine, which it splits in half. +K--Goes at full speed through the end of the terminus, depositing the +passengers in a heap in the middle of the town. + +L--Train starts, made up of horse-boxes and luggage-vans full of three +weeks' arrears of parcels, first-class carriages, Post-office van, +fifty coal-trucks, and a wild beast show, the Directors wishing +to make up for lost time. M--Train breaking down here, mail and +passengers only forwarded. N--Train attacked by rioters. Pitched +battle with the passengers. O--Telegram from Motherwell saying, that +owing to police intervention, train starts the day after to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARBITRATION. + +THE SEAL. "BELAY, YOU TWO JOHNNIES!--AVAST QUARRELLING! GIVE ME A +'CLOSE-TIME,' AND LEAVE THE 'SEA' AN OPEN QUESTION."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SHOCKING! + +_Fair New-Englander_ (_spending the Winter in the Old Country_). "OH, +WHAT A LOVE! AND IS IT THE FIRST YOU HAVE SHOT THIS YEAR, CAPTAIN +RASPER?"] + + * * * * * + +TOO CIVIL BY HALF; OR, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE. + +(_A DRAMA FOUNDED--MORE OR LESS--UPON FACTS._) + + ACT I.--"PAST."--_Interior of the Savings Bank Department of + the G.P.O. Employés engaged upon their work. The hour for + customary cessation of labour strikes._ + +_Official of a Higher Grade_. Officers and Gentlemen, the exigencies +of the Public Service require your presence for some time longer. I +beg you to continue your work. + +_A Hundred Employés_. Never! (_Aside._) Ha! ha! the employment of +Female Clerks is avenged! + +_Off._ (_almost in tears_). Reconsider your decision, I beg--I +implore! + +_Another Hundred Employés_. Never! (_Aside._) Seven hours a day and no +longer--shall be secured at one fell swoop! + +_Off._ (_with indescribable emotion_). Oh, my country! Oh, my Savings +Bank Depositors! Oh, my dignity of the Civil Service! + + [_Faints in the arms of faithful Employés, whilst the other + Clerks defiantly depart. Tableau._ + + ACT II.--"PRESENT."--_Magnificent apartments of the + P.-M.-Gen. in the G.P.O. Deputation of contrite Employés + listening to the eloquent speech of their Official Chief._ + +_P.M.G._ (_in effect_). I am delighted that you are such good fellows. +Your conduct in owning that you were wrong in refusing to work after +regular official hours, almost effaces a painful page in the history +of St. Martin's-le-Grand. Let it be clearly understood that extra work +is _not_ compulsory, _but_, if _not_ undertaken, may lead (as in the +present instance) to immediate suspension, if not dismissal. Surely +no one can object to that? (_Contrite Officials express mournful +approval._) And now good-bye, and A Happy New Year. As for the +future--hope, my good friends, hope! + + [_Exeunt the contrite Employés, leaving the Officials of a + Higher Grade agitating the nerves controlling their eyelids + spasmodically._ + + ACT III.--"FUTURE."--_Same Scene as Act I. Venerable Employés + discovered, after twenty years' further service._ + +_First Venerable Employé_. Remember the words spoken a score of +winters ago--Hope, brother, hope! + +_Second Venerable Employé_. Yes--Hope, brother, hope! + + [_As the Scene closes, the entire Establishment are left + continuing the self-sustaining, but rather profitless + employment, indefinitely. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +_A Son of the Pool_. By the Author of _A Daughter of the Pyramids_. + + * * * * * + +CHARLES KEENE + +BORN AUGUST 10, 1823. DIED JANUARY 4, 1891. + + What words avail to honour friends departed, + Gone from the gatherings which so long they graced? + What phrase seems fit when comrades loyal-hearted + Mourn a loved presence late by death displaced? + + No formal elegiacs fashioned coldly, + Beseem the memory of that manly soul, + Whose simple, downright spirit trod so boldly + Life's most sequestered ways from start to goal. + + Not rank's trim pleasaunce, nor parades of fashion + Tempted his genius; his the great highway + Where, free from courtly pride and modish passion, + Toil tramps, free humours crowd, rough wastrels stray. + + Therein his magic pencil laboured gladly, + Fixing for ever on his chosen page + In forms fond memory now reviews so sadly + The crowded pageant of a passing age. + + What an array! How varied a procession! + The humours of the parlour, shop, and street; + Philistia's every calling, craft, profession, + Cockneydom's cheery cheek and patter fleet. + + Scotch dryness, Irish unction and cajolery, + Waiterdom's wiles, Deacondom's pomp of port; + Rustic simplicity, domestic drollery, + The freaks of Service and the fun of Sport; + + And all with such true art, so fine, unfailing, + Of touch so certain, and of charm so fresh, + As to lend dignity to Cabmen railing, + To fustianed clods and fogies full of flesh. + + Nor human humours only; who so tender + Of touch when sunny Nature out-of-doors + Wooed his deft pencil? Who like him could render + Meadow or hedgerow, turnip-field, or moor? + + Snowy perspective, long suburban winding + Of bowery road-way, villa-edged and trim. + Iron-railed city street, where gas-lamps blinding + Glare through the foggy distance dense and dim? + + All with that broad free force, whose fascination + All felt, and artists most, that dexterous sleight + Which gave our land the unchallenged consummation + Of graphic mastery in Black-and-White. + + Pleasant to dwell on, and a proud possession, + Now the tired hand that shaped that world is still, + Leaving an ineffaceable impression + Upon the age that fired its force and skill. + + Honoured abroad as loved at home, how ample, + The tribute to that modest spirit paid! + To pushing quackery a high example, + A calm rebuke to egotist parade! + + Frank, loyal, unobtrusive, simple-hearted, + Loving his book, his pipe, his song, his friend, + Peaceful he lived and peacefully departed, + A gentle life-course, with a gracious end. + + Irreparable loss to Art, deep sorrow + To those his comrades, who so loved the man, + And who had hoped for many a sunny morrow + To greet that gallant spirit in the van. + + That tall, spare form, that curl-crowned head, the knitting + Of supple hands behind it as he sat, + That quaint face-wrinkling smile like sunshine flitting, + The droll, dry comment, the quotation pat; + + The small oft-loaded pipe, of ancient moulding, + The brazen box that held the well-loved weed; + Who shall forget who once was graced by holding + In friendship's clasp the hand now still indeed? + + Farewell, great artist, comrade staunch and loyal! + Few simpler lives our feverish age hath seen. + Could pomp high-pinnacled, or trappings royal, + Add honour to the memory of CHARLES KEENE? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOBLIN TRANSFORMATION SCENE FROM THE IRISH EXTRAVAGANZA +OF THE O'RIP VAN WINKLE. + +_Where the Home-Ruler of Butt's time awakes to find all the would-be +dic-taters suddenly become mere mushrooms._] + + * * * * * + +THE SHAH (LEFEVRE) AND THE SULTAN. + +[Illustration] + +Over a series of weeks preceding Christmas, Europe was disturbed by +rumours of a momentous interview reported to have taken place on +the banks of the unsuspecting Bosphorus. One of the parties to the +conference was his Imperial Majesty the SULTAN. The other was an +English Statesman, the trusted counsellor of an Ex-Premier, and +believed in family circles to be the real author of some of his +supreme measures. The naturally retiring disposition of the Statesman +in question, and his inviolable reticence in respect of any matter +concerning himself, made it difficult to arrive at the truth. +Doubtless the stupendous event--the possible consequences of which +on European affairs Time will work out--would have remained for ever +hidden but for the ruthless action of "the London Correspondents of +various provincial papers, who gave in their London letters more or +less inaccurate reports of the event." How they came to know anything +about it admits of only one conclusion. _The SULTAN must have told +them_. The event was too important to be left to this haphazard kind +of record, and, accordingly, the _Speaker_ has been favoured with a +narrative of what took place, the signature disclosing the fact that +the other party to the interview was the SHAH LEFEVRE. + +The SHAH's account, regarded as a record of a historical event, +is manifestly hampered by that modest and insatiable desire for +self-effacement which marks this eminent man. We see anonymous +"persons who had access to the SULTAN approaching" the SHAH, and +"suggesting to him that he ought to apply for an audience." We see him +"declining to do so on the ground that, having taken an active part in +the agitation in England on the subject of the Bulgarian atrocities +in 1877, it would not be right that I should thrust myself on the +attention of the SULTAN." It is generally thought at Stamboul and +elsewhere that Mr. GLADSTONE was chiefly responsible for the memorable +agitation referred to. But the SHAH is not the man to hide the truth. +Also, "I wished to be free to say what I thought about the condition +of Turkey on my return to England." That was only fair to waiting +England. No use the SULTAN trying to "nobble" this relentless man. So +it came to pass that he went to the Palace, reluctant, but "feeling we +could not refuse such a command from the Sovereign of the country." +He talked with CHAKIR PACHA and WAHAN EFFENDI; saw the SULTAN's horse; +hung about for hours; no SULTAN appeared; went back to hotel quivering +under the insult. Had framed telegram ordering the British Fleet to +the Bosphorus, when VAMBÉRY turned up, pale and trembling; besought +the SHAH to do nothing rash; explained it was all a mistake. This +followed up by invitation to dine at the Palace the following day. + +All this, and what followed at the dinner; how there were "excellent +wines, electric lights, and a great display of plate"; how the +SULTAN, concentrating his attention on the SHAH, and forgetful of poor +FREDERICK HARRISON, who had, somehow, been elbowed into obscurity, +paid court to this powerful personality; how he received him on the +daïs, and now cunningly, though ineffectually, he endeavoured to +secure on the spot the evacuation of Egypt, is told in the SHAH'S +delicious narrative. + +_Mr. Punch_, sharing in the thrilling interest this disclosure has +created throughout the civilised world, has been anxious to complete +the record by supplementing the SHAH's account of the interview, +with the SULTAN's own version. This was, at the outset, difficult. +Obstacles were thrown in the way, but they were overcome by the +pertinacity and ingenuity of Our Representative, who at last found +himself seated with the SULTAN on the very daïs from which SHAH +LEFEVRE had conferred with his Imperial Majesty whilst other of the +forty guests, "including the Austrian Ambassador," looked on, green +with envy. + +"It's a curious thing," said the SULTAN, laying down a book he had +been reading when Our Representative entered, "that, when you were +announced, I had just come upon a reference by your great Poet to your +still greater Statesman. You know the line in Lockandkey Hall,-- + + "'Oh the dreary, drear LEFEVRE! Oh the barren, barren SHAW!'" + +"That," Our Representative writes, "is not precisely the line as I +remember it; but I make it a rule never to correct a SULTAN." + +Accordingly His Majesty proceeded: "And so, my good Cousin, _Mr. +Punch_, wants to know all about this interview, the _bruit_ of which +has shaken the Universe. His wishes are commands to me. In the first +place, I will tell you (though this is not for publication), that it +was by the merest accident I had the advantage of knowing your great +countryman. I heard there had come to Constantinople one FREDERICK +HARRISON, head of a sect called the Positivists. I am, you know, in +my way, and within the limits of my kingdom, one of the most absolute +Positivists of the age. I wanted to see the English apostle, and told +them to ask him to dinner. Somehow things got mixed up, and, at the +preliminary morning call, the SHAH LEFEVRE walked in. Had never heard +of him before, but gathered from CHAKIR PACHA, who had been talking to +WAHAN EFFENDI, who, had seen WOODS PACHA, who had spent an hour with +VAMBÉRY, upon whom SHAH LEFEVRE had called, that the SHAH was really +the mainspring of the Liberal Party in England, GLADSTONE being merely +figure-head, HARCOURT in his pay, and CHAMBERLAIN suffering in exile +under his displeasure. Allah is Good! Here was a chance thrown into +my hands. I forgot all about FREDERICK HARRISON; told CHAKIR PACHA and +WAHAN EFFENDI to entertain the SHAH in the ante-chamber with coffee +and cigarettes, drawing him out on Armenia and Egypt. Meanwhile I +crept under the sofa, and heard every word. The SHAH very stern about +Armenia, could not be drawn about Egypt. At end of hour and half +began to get tired under sofa; managed to stick in WAHAN EFFENDI's +Wellington boot a note, on which I had written, 'Take him to see my +horse.' So they went off to stable, and, as soon as coast was clear, +I crept out; shut myself up in room for rest of day. Heard afterwards +that they came back, the SHAH much impressed with appearance of my +horse; resumed conversation on Armenia and Egypt for another hour; at +last got rid of SHAH. + +"At night VAMBÉRY, disguised as melon-seller, entered Palace and +gained access to my room. Told me fearful mess had been made of +matters. The SHAH really didn't care about seeing the horse; wanted +to see me. Talks about ordering round the Fleet. 'Better ask him to +dinner,' said VAMBÉRY; so despatched Grand Chamberlain in carriage and +six. The SHAH mollified; gave him a good dinner: plenty of electric +lights. Afterwards he was good enough to see me on the daïs. Tried +to get him to promise alteration in attitude of English Liberal Party +towards me; also wanted him to settle at once withdrawal of troops +from Egypt, But, though most urbane in manner, exceedingly cautious. +Not to be drawn. Talk about Eastern statecraft! nothing to you +English, as represented by jour SHAH LEFEVRES. When I pressed him +to come to point about Egypt, he said, 'On this subject I can only +speak my own views. I am not authorised to speak on behalf of those +I am politically associated with, but personally I am opposed to the +occupation of Egypt by English troops.' There's an answer for you! +Your MACHIAVELLIS, your TALLEYRANDS not in it. Felt I had wasted some +time, and given away a dinner all for nothing, except the memory +that will ever rest with me of having been privileged to see this +remarkable man standing on my daïs." + +Here the SULTAN clapped his hands three times, and Our Representative, +being carefully placed in a sack, was dropped into the Bosphorus, +whence he was rescued in time to send off this despatch for +publication in the current Number. + + * * * * * + +ACCIDENT ON THE ICE.--The other day a gentleman, well known in the +world of Sport and Art, was skating on the Serpentine, and fell in +with a friend. Both were getting on well when our reporter left. + + * * * * * + +EXTRACT FROM REPORT OF THE G.O.M.'S BIRTHDAY SPEECH AT HAWARDEN:-- + +[Illustration: _G.O.M._ (_to himself_). "I hope Lawson isn't looking +at me."] + +"And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that not +infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way homewards after +midnight, sometimes very long after it, from the House of Commons, +I have stopped my course for a moment by the side of the drinking +fountain in Great George Street, Westminster, when there was nobody +to look at me, and have indulged in the refreshing draught which was +there afforded me, feeling at the same time that I was not performing +any action which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of +my excellent friend whose name is well known to you all--Sir WILFRID +LAWSON." + + * * * * * + +I'D BE A CRIMINAL. + +A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION. + +TUNE--_I'D BE A BUTTERFLY_. + + I'd be a criminal, born in a slum, + Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness meet; + For when to the court for my trial I come, + I'll be gazed on by all that is gracious and sweet. + + Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my power, + And Scientists sage will be slaves at my feet; + Offers of marriage I'll get in full shower, + And fools in my cause in their thousands will meet. + + They'll trot out each new "scientific" vagary, + Some hope of escape to my prison to bring, + And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy + And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, talk or sing. + + Those I have butchered will get scant attention, + Interest's sure to be centred in me. + Painters will picture me, poets may mention, + Beauties discuss me at five o'clock tea. + + Mad doctors will fight o'er my mental condition, + Hypnotists swear I was somebody's tool; + And if I'm condemned, why a Monster Petition + Will promptly be signed by each faddist and fool. + + Murder--and good Dr. LIÈGOIS of Nancy + Will back you, LABRUYÈRE will help you away. + I'd be a Murderer, that is my fancy, + He is the only true Hero to-day! + + * * * * * + +THE AMUSING RATTLE'S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK. + +(_FOR THE USE OF DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR ENTERTAINERS._) + +_The Strike in Scotland_.--You might suggest, that were it in Ireland, +one might see a _rail_ way out of it, or rather in it. This jest may +be expected to be appreciated by a parson's wife of the sharper sort. +Something ought to be got out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to +the North. Example of what can be done in this direction:--"People +who play with fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect BURNS." +However, be careful not to say this to a Scotchman, or he may want +your blood before you get to the cigarettes. North Britons are very +jealous of the reputation of their national poet, and permit no +jokes upon the subject. You see, in letting off your witticism at +a Scotchman, you would have to explain that it _was_ a joke. You +might also hint that it was "hard lines" for the Railway Companies +concerned; but this will provoke gloom rather than gaiety amongst +those who have invested in Caledonians and North British. If you talk +about the riots in connection with the movement, you might say that +the pugnacious rioters remind you of safety matches, "for they not +only strike, but strike on the box!" + +_The Parnell Negociations in France_.--You can say something about +O'BRIEN's invitation to Mr. PARNELL to pay him an evening visit on +the French coast, reminds you of the once popular song, "_Meet me +by Moonlight, Boulogne_." If you are told that "Boulogne" should be +"Alone," return, "Precisely--borrowed a word--Boulogne was a loan." +This ought to go with roars. At a Smoking Concert you might suggest +that Mr. O'BRIEN was just the man to settle a quarrel, because even +when he was in prison he took an absorbing interest in _the proper +adjustment of breeches_! + +_The Row at the Post Office_.--As the Savings' Bank Department has for +years been the Cinderella of the Civil Service, this is a subject that +will not create much interest; however, you might possibly extract +a pleasantry out of the name of the present Postmaster-General in +connection with the now-appeased _employés_. With a little trouble +you should be able to say something quite sparkling about what the +"officers" _hoe_ to _Raikes_! + +_The Portuguese Difficulty in Africa_.--Rather a good subject at +a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on particularly affectionate +and intimate terms) are gathered together. Say you have got to the +dessert, and you start the subject. Observe that it is fortunate that +the SULTAN OF TURKEY is not interested in the matter, or there would +be further trouble of a like character. To the question, "Why?" reply, +taking up a bottle of red wine to point your witticism, "would it not +be a second difficulty with the _Porte, you geese_?" To make the jest +perfect, connect Turkey in Europe with the _dindon aux marrons_, of +which you will have just partaken. + +_The Weather_.--If forced to fall back upon this venerable subject +(which should only be broached in the wilds of Cornwall, or other +equally primitive spots), of course you can speak of a hard frost +being "_an ice_ day for a hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at +it." If the weather breaks, you may observe, "_You thaw so_," but not +when you have to shout the quibble through the ear-trumpet of a deaf +old maid. And this, with the other witticisms recorded above, should +carry you (by desire) into the middle of next week. + + * * * * * + +A DEADLY KISS.--The Hotch-kiss. + + * * * * * + +A PANTOMIMIC REVERIE. + +(_BY A "SLIPPERED PANTALOON."_) + +[Illustration] + + Tax-gatherers molest one's door, + The streets are choked with messy mist; + I'm the proverbial Bachelor, + An old, prosaic Pessimist. + Yet somehow--who can tell me why?-- + Urged by the Past's dim Phantom, I'm + Disposed my cosy Club to fly, + And prank it at the Pantomime. + + A Phantom weird of things forgot! + My mother, proud of me at her + Sweet side--our yellow chariot-- + The long, long drive--the theatre-- + My fear to miss--my thrill when in-- + The Fairy Queen, the jolly King-- + The laughter flung at Harlequin, + And Pantaloon arollicking. + + And sister PRUE, and brother TIM, + (I scarcely recollected them), + Magnificent in gala trim: + Dear me, how I respected them! + I deemed them quite grown up, so bold + Seemed they, glared so defiantly: + Yet they, too, cowered to behold + Prone before JACK the Giant lie. + + Yes! Where is TIM, where PRUE, alack! + Where mother fondly pliant now? + Where for that matter too is JACK, + And where the grisly Giant now? + In lonely stall, with vacant brow + I sit and eye the _coryphées_: + In my time they were Fairies; now + They seem to me but sorry fays. + + The pageantry is twice as grand, + The wealth of wealth embarrasses; + And yet this is not elfinland + But great AUGUSTUS HARRIS's. + The _blasé_ children vote it flat, + When Mister Clown cries, "Here's a go!" + Yes, there's the box where erst we sat + And laughed so, sixty years ago. + + The very box: I think, you know, + The reason I'm so queer to-night + Is merely because long ago + Here faces were not here to-night. + I'd best be off--Bless me! no Clown? + No Stage?--no Past invidious? + No Orchestra?--but simply BROWN + Snoring the midnight hideous! + + No Drury Lane?--no tinsel flare?-- + No pirouetting Bogeydom?-- + Only a Club, and one who there + Forgot in sleep his Fogeydom! + Welcome my Transformation Scene; + I'm dull once more, and every + Old Bachelor like me, I ween, + May muse at times his reverie. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +100., Jan. 17, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12866 *** |