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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.
+March 14, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. March 14, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 15, 2004 [EBook #13186]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+March 14, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
+
+NO. III.--THE BIOGRAPHER.
+
+We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take a
+further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, who
+has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of a
+suburban villa--let us say at Norwood. You are in your dining-room,
+examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather holds up, you
+will take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you
+are told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on
+particular business." The very word excites you, not unpleasantly,
+nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's business, or the District
+Board, or the County Council--it is enough that your experience and
+practical knowledge of affairs are in request--and, better still,
+it will give you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own
+importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, with
+red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in documents which he has
+brought with him in a black bag.
+
+[Illustration: "Your Visitor has his Note-book out."]
+
+"I _have_ the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I think?" he says.
+"Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself extremely fortunate
+in finding you at home, I assure you, and a very charming place
+you have here--abundant evidence of a refined and cultivated mind,
+excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I may
+say so, elegant in the extreme--as was to be expected! Even from the
+cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lend
+itself admirably to picturesque description--which brings me to the
+object of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope of
+eliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compiling--a
+work which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your
+wide culture and interest in literary matters." (_Here you will look
+as judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a
+new Encyclopædia, or an illustrated edition of_ SHAKSPEARE's _works_.)
+"The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, _Notable Nonentities
+of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely,
+rather taken by the title._) "It will be published very shortly, by
+subscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up in
+the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted,
+and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is my
+ambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every living
+celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will
+be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely
+new process upon India and Japanese paper; everything--type, ink,
+paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers being
+determined to spare no expense in making it a book of reference
+superior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (_As he pauses
+fur breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a
+work, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing--but that, for
+your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting the
+Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you_--)
+
+"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I should
+not dream of expecting you to _subscribe_ to such a work. But, in
+my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone
+that care and research can effect to render the work complete--and
+it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to
+so distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("_Oh, pooh--nonsense!"
+You will say at this--but you will sit down again_) "Norwood is a
+singularly favoured locality. Sir; its charms have induced many of our
+foremost men to select it for their _rus in urbe_. Why, in this very
+road--May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with Alderman
+MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to furnish me with many
+interesting details of his personal career, a photo-gravured portrait
+of him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of
+'The Drudgeries,' and a bit from the back-garden." (_You do know_
+MINCING--_and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the absurd
+vanity of the man_--_a mere nobody, away from the City!_) "Between
+ourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed
+your expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted
+in allotting Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider
+himself entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable
+man, does _not_ appeal to the popular imagination as others I could
+mention do--he is just a _little_ commonplace!" ("_Shrewd follow,
+this!" you think to yourself--"Got_ MINCING's _measure!_") "But I
+should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now,
+would give me all the personal information you think proper to make
+public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and
+artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I
+do trust that you will see your way to--" (_At first, you suggest that
+you must talk it over with your Wife--but you presently see that if_
+MINCING _and men of that calibre are to be in this, you cannot, for
+your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor soon has his note-book
+out._) "Any remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE?
+A strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to black-beetles--both
+of which you still retain? Thank you, _very_ much. And you were
+educated? At Dulborough Grammar School? Just _so_! Never took to
+Latin, or learned Greek? Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves
+thus early--curious, _indeed_! Entered your father's office as
+clerk? Became a partner? Married your present lady--when? In 1860?
+Exactly!--and have offspring? Your subsequent life comparatively
+uneventful? That will do admirably--infinitely obliged to you, I am
+sure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy
+of the work, when issued, forwarded to you--we can do it for you at
+the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance--a gratifying
+possession for your children after you have gone, Mr. LANE! I _may_
+put you down? Thank you. For _two_ copies?" (_On second thoughts,
+you do order two copies; you can send one out to your married
+Sister in Australia_--_it will amuse her._) "One, two, three, four
+guineas--_quite_ correct, Mr. LANE, and you shall have an early
+opportunity of revising a proof, and we will send down a competent
+artist, in a day or two, to take the photographs. Quite an agreeable
+change in the weather, is it not? _Good_ day!"
+
+[Illustration: "You may have to wait."]
+
+He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer,
+and the appearance of that great work. _Notable Nonentities of
+Norwood_,--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait
+a considerable time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IAGO ON THE GREAT SERMON QUESTION.
+
+  Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public,
+  Is the immediate jewel of their souls.
+  Who steals my _sermon_, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
+  'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens;
+  But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist,
+  Robs me of that which is no good to him,
+  And leaves me poor--in credit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.--A new book of advice for intending
+Travellers has recently been published, entitled, "_Where to Stay_."
+It is both ornamental and useful; but so much depends on ways and
+means, that, after careful consideration, _Mr. Punch_, when asked
+"_Where to Stay_," considers the safest answer will always be, "_At
+home_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CHUCKED!"
+
+    ["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber having
+    yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, rejected a Bill
+    legalising the _pari mutuel_, and the Government having
+    pledged itself to enforce the law against gambling."--_Times
+    Paris Correspondent_.]
+
+_The Bookie_. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE
+LIKE 'OME!"]
+
+(_EXTRACT OF LETTER FROM_ DICKY DIDDLUM, _BOOKMAKER, PARIS, TO_
+BOUNDING BOB, _DITTO, NEWMARKET._)
+
+"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly _hup_ as the top of the
+Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after all. Thought we _had_
+taught 'em a bit about _Ler Sport_ by this time: but, bless yer, BOB,
+once a Pollyvoo, always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a
+'Oss, or knows 'ow to make a Book!
+
+"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County Councils,
+dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the Detective bizness in
+their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there won't be a safe look in for
+a party as wants to do a nice little flutter--unless, of course, he's
+a Stock-Exchange spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines.
+_Then_ he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses as much as
+he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French _Bourse_ 'ud get along
+without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss barney, as every man as _is_ a man
+finds the werry salt of life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin'
+played down too darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all?
+Why, 'No Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact
+size of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB!
+
+"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, fur as _I_
+see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a Republican, too, bless his boko!
+said as 'races were essential to 'orsebreeding, and that without
+betting there would be no races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.!
+And then they up and chuck hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no
+betting, no races; no racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's
+how it runs, BOB, or I'm a sossidge!
+
+"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for anythink. Look
+at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the Hempress! Why, if
+_we_ 'ad that duffer, DEROULÈDE, on Newmarket 'Eath, we should just
+duck him in a 'orsepond, like a copped Welsher. Here they washup him,
+or else knuckle under to him, like a skeery Coster's missus when
+her old man's on the mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his
+bloomin' high-lows. _That's_ yer high-polite French Artists and brave
+booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah!
+
+"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. MOSSOO
+CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would be an end to
+bookmakers.' And it _was_ carried, by 340 mugs against 144 right 'uns.
+And arter all me and my sort has done for Parry! It's mean, that's
+wot it is, BOB. P'raps they'll chuck British _jockeys_ next! Much good
+their _Grong Pree_, ancetrer, will be _then_, my boy. _Our_ 'osses,
+_our_ jockeys, _and_ our bookies has bin the making of French
+Sport,--and werrv nice little pickings there's bin out of it take it
+all round. Wot'll _Ler Hig Life_, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots,
+and miles o' bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do
+for Parry without _hus_, I wonder? We shall _see_! Ah, Madame _lar
+Republick_, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your bullyin' jondarms,
+for chucking o' me afore you're through. As MAT MOPUS put it:--
+
+  It was all werry well to dissemble yer love,
+  But wy did yer kick me down-stairs?
+
+Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next week, BOB.
+Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, there's no place
+like 'ome! No!--
+
+  'Mid _Boises_ and Bullyvards tho' we may roam,
+  Be it hever so foggy, there's no place _like_ 'ome;
+  A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport there,
+  Wich, look where you will, isn't met with elsewhere.
+          'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome,
+  Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like 'ome!
+
+  A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main;
+  Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again;
+  The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl,
+  Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all.
+                 'Ome, 'ome,
+              Sweet, sweet 'ome,
+  With RAIKES[1], LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome.
+
+"Mean to sing _that_ at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But till then,
+Ta--ta!!"
+
+[Footnote 1: Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL
+SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegrams
+transmitted by the Post-office Department."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESDEMONA TO THE AUTHOR OF "DORIAN GRAY."
+
+(_A PROPOS OF HIS PARAGRAPHIC PREFACE._)
+
+"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club corner.
+What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and foolish?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING IN A NAME.--A recent theatrical announcement informed us
+that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of a Mr. HENRY DAM.
+If successful, imagine the audience calling for the Author by name. If
+a triumph, the new dramatist will be known as "The big, big D."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY A TIRED AND CYNICAL CRITIC OF CURRENT FICTION.
+
+  A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen.
+  A School? What's really wanted is a Prison.
+  Life-long confinement far from pen and ink
+  _Might_ cure the crowd of fictionists, I _think_.
+  Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight,
+  Go teach the Novelist how _not_ to write!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ATHLETICS.--It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbid
+the popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon the ground that it
+may lead to shoplifting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.--_Lady B-ountiful_ first, at the Garrick,
+and _Lady B-arter_ at the Princess's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS.
+
+_Big Ben_. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! JUST LOOK AT YOU
+AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE _ALWAYS_ TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF,
+HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST
+FRIENDS FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I
+POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!"
+
+_Little Dick_ (_dreamily_). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE
+_NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRST ACT--AND THE LAST.
+
+(_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._)
+
+ACT I.--_The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction
+Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and
+Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Charts
+cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery
+used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the
+Authorities, are scattered about in every direction._ TOMMY ATKINS
+_is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very
+lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture._
+
+_Military Instructor_ (_who has been for an hour and a half explaining
+the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approaching
+the end of his subject_). Well, as I have fully explained before, but
+may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you
+will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened
+in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath,
+and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a
+small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while
+the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases
+or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the
+locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-four
+different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retain
+their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not
+forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot,
+and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and
+.116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that,
+if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you will
+practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should be
+thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which,
+properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. I
+think I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewes
+system is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500
+yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark,
+I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (_gives him
+one_), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in the
+heat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured
+to impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head
+cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have made
+myself pretty clear?
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me?
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will
+find it, what they assure me it is,--a most serviceable weapon.
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_saluting_). 'Ees, Sir!
+
+    [_Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends._
+
+ACT II.--_The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight)
+in the immediate neighbourhood of London._ TOMMY ATKINS _and the_
+Military Instructor _discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of
+the slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the
+Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding
+that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few
+of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided
+for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a
+Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge
+for the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of
+pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury_, Mr. STANHOPE
+_is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London
+capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on
+by the_ LORD MAYOR, _in the Bank of England._
+
+_Military Instructor_ (_sitting up and rubbing his eyes_). Dear me!
+we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all.
+(_Recognising him._) Halloa, ATKINS!
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. You remember all I told you?
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). 'Ees, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable
+weapon, after all!
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this!
+By Jove! it looks like the last Act!
+
+    [_Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the
+    Battle-field, the_ Military Instructor _threatening to write
+    to the "Times," and_ TOMMY ATKINS _still grinning as Curtain
+    falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sylvanus_. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE
+MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!"
+
+_Urbanus_. "OH--ER--YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.
+
+    ["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for ----, feel
+    that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side
+    in a Division?"--_Evening Paper_.]
+
+    SCENE--_A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered apparently dying
+    in the hour of victory._
+
+_Faithful Aide-de-Camp_. The enemy run, Sir! We have beaten them off
+on every side!
+
+_Colonel_ (_faintly_). That is well! (_with a sigh_) and yet my heart
+is heavy within me! Believe me, SMITH, I cannot die easily.
+
+_F.A.-de-C._ And yet the vacancy thus created would be found a
+stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, Sir?
+
+_Col. X._ I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a politician the idea
+is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had always done my duty in
+the House of Commons! But no, with a view to obtaining this command,
+I voted against my convictions! I supported the Government in their
+proposal to tax perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I
+was weak and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could
+live to repair the past.
+
+_Opposition Whip_ (_suddenly springing up from behind a limber à la_
+HAWKSHAW _the Detective_). It is _not_ too late! Return with me to
+Westminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! With
+a special train we shall be in time! You can yet record your vote!
+
+_Col. X._ (_suddenly reviving_). Say you so? Then I _will_ recover! I
+_will_ do my duty!
+
+    [_Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put permanently
+    on the shelf, from a military point of view!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in _Scribner_, for March, is
+interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to be a charming
+people; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they can
+be divorced for being talkative.
+
+_A propos_ of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA JOKO's capital
+illustrations of Hospital Nursing in _The English Illustrated
+Magazine_, the Matron's room must be "an illigant place, intoirely";
+while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a patient a
+cup of ink by mistake for liquorice-water isn't a real good practical
+side-splitter, the Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we
+come upon a delightful little picture of "_The Pet of the Hospital_";
+and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing Sister
+it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does she marry a
+"Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she must be a "great
+attraction," and if anything were to happen to the Baron, and he
+couldn't be removed to his own palatial residence, he would say, "Put
+me in a cab, drive me to the Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty
+Pet's Ward."
+
+The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY McCARTHY's
+"Pages on Plays" in _The Gentleman's Magazine_. JUSTIN HUNTLY
+expresses his opinion that "_The Dancing Girl_ will almost certainly
+be the play of the season; it will probably be the principal play of
+the year." "Almost certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The
+Baron backs _The Idler_ against _The Dancing Girl_ for a run. In the
+same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short story,
+called _Sally_, material that would have served some authors for a
+three-volume novel.
+
+It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on any one
+point with the Author of _Essays in Little_, and in proportion to
+the number of the points so is the Baron's pleasure intensified. Most
+intending readers of these Essays, on taking up the book, would be
+less curious to ascertain what ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER
+and the study of Greek, about THÉODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES
+BAYLEY, the Sagas, and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions
+on DICKENS and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more
+popular. The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays
+of ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on any
+account, omit the delightfully written and truly appreciative article
+on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you please, but finish with "_the
+last fashionable novel_," wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest
+mood, treats us to an excellent parody.
+
+The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this Extra-Ordinary
+Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the discharge of his duties
+by reading _Monte Carlo, and How to Do It_, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and
+G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following
+terms to his loved Chief:--This book achieves the task of combining
+extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid
+dulness--not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of low slang
+and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume themselves on their
+marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, which, with their usual
+sprightly facetiousness, they call "Charley's Mount." They are good
+enough to tell such of the travelling public as may want to get there,
+that the train leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35.
+Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the steamer
+(Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, where there
+is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead of going by the
+_Ceinture_, they drove across Paris. The greenhorns arrive at Monte
+Carlo, and then settle on their quarters. Anyone but an idiot would
+have settled all this, and much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly
+greenhorn, who wishes us to think that "_il connait son Paris_," talks
+of "suppers of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish),
+and informs us that, "at the Hôtel de l'Athenée, the staff esteem it
+rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, to grin
+and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and swearing British
+greenhorn! now I know why the French so greatly love our countrymen.
+But why, oh why do you imagine that you have discovered Monte Carlo?
+For the details of the journey, and the instructions to future
+explorers, are set out with a painful minuteness which not even
+STANLEY could rival. As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned,
+picturesque Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from
+the glare and noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it
+scornfully, as having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center
+want? He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who
+are "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The
+Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the French soldier
+that "the short service forty-eight-day men don't have a very
+unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for you, there's elegance!
+Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically eloquent on the subject of
+fleas, throws in such lucid expressions as "chin music," "gives him
+biff," "his craft is thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and
+his fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most foolish
+greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can imagine
+the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, blatant,
+gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as sportsmen,
+and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the Baron to his
+Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with his signature,
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE IBSENITY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Dear EDITOR,--Noticing that the author of _The Doll's House_ was to
+have another morning, or, to use an equally suitable epithet, mourning
+performance devoted to his works, I made up my mind, after bracing
+up my nerves, to attend it. The 23rd of February (the date of the
+proposed function) as the second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too,
+distinctly appropriate. By attending the performance--IBSEN recommends
+self-execution--I sentenced myself to three hours and a half of
+boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot help feeling that whatever
+my past may have been, the penance paid to wipe it out was excessive,
+and therefore rendered it unnecessary that I should attend a second
+performance announced for last week.
+
+_Rosmershölm_ is in four Acts and one Scene--a room in _Rosmer's_
+House. Act I. _Rector Kroll_, who is the brother-in-law of _Pastor
+Rosmer_, calls upon the latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the
+Conservative interest. _Kroll_ (who, by the way, is a married man)
+before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild flirtation
+with _Rebecca West_, a female of a certain age, who has taken up her
+abode for some years in the Rector's house. And here I may observe
+that the Rector's housekeeper, _Madame Helseth_, presumably a highly
+respectable person, although she has excellent reasons, from the
+first, for believing that the relations between her Master and
+_Rebecca_ are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic arrangements of
+the Rosmer _ménage_ with hearty acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm.
+_Rosmer_ interrupts the Rector's _tête-à-tête_ with the fascinating
+_Rebecca_, and declines the proffered editorship, because he is a
+Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,--no action to speak of, but
+a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we learn that the late _Mrs.
+Rosmer_ has committed suicide, because she was informed that the
+apostate Pastor could only save his villainy from exposure by giving
+immediately the position of wife to her friend _Rebecca_. She has had
+this tip on the most reliable authority,--it has been furnished by
+_Rebecca_ herself. Then the Pastor asks _Rebecca_ to marry him, but
+is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it be that she has tired
+of her guilty passion. In Act III. _Rebecca_ admits to the widower and
+his brother-in-law that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares
+to decamp. In the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has
+been in love with _Rebecca_ from the first, loves her now, but is not
+sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this point, will
+she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as to jump into the
+mill-stream, and drown herself? With pleasure--and she takes a header!
+He explains that courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and
+follows her example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily!
+
+And this is the plot! And what about the characters? _Rebecca_ is
+merely a hysterical old maid, who would have been set right, in
+the time of the Tudors, with a sound ducking; and nowadays, had
+she consulted a fashionable physician, she would have been probably
+ordered a sea-voyage, and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is
+a feeble, fickle fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in
+his life. He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that
+she married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an
+entirely convincing nature. The _Rector Kroll_ is a prig and a bore
+of the first water. When he discovers _Rebecca's_ perfidy, he suggests
+that she may have inherited her proneness for treachery from her
+father--and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the name of a
+gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a parent! The best line
+in the piece, to my mind--and it certainly "went with a roar"--is a
+question of the housekeeper--answered in the negative--"Have you ever
+seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! Pretentious
+twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it less idiotic. And
+_so_ dull!
+
+As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I dislike
+undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my opinion is
+shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic of _Truth_, wrote
+last week--"The few independent persons who have sat out a play by
+IBSEN, be it _The Doll's House_, or _The Pillars of Society_, or
+_Rosmershölm_, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff before the
+playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, remove your _claque_,
+exhaust your attendance of the socialist and the sexless, and then see
+where your IBSEN will be.' I have never known an audience that cared
+to pay to be bored, and the over-vaunted _Rosmershölm_ bored even the
+Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their martyrdom!
+I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have never seen a
+dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I wish I could say as
+much, and I shall be surprised if you do not appreciate the feeling,
+after you too have partaken of this truly Lenten fare. Yours
+sincerely,
+
+ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN--AT A DISTANCE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRIKING TIMES.
+
+NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD.
+
+(_BY A LABOURING ELECTOR._)
+
+  Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to my song.
+  The times should much amuse you; you are up, and going strong.
+  The Working Men of England at length begin to see
+  That _their_ parsnips for to butter now the Parties all agree.
+
+    _Chorus._
+
+  _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way,_
+  _And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter every day!_
+
+  This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it strikes me so.
+  Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must go.
+  NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an artful plan;
+  But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY MANN!
+
+    _Chorus_--It's high time, &c.
+
+  It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and M.P.'s,
+  Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we darn please.
+  Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his neighbour;
+  Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they _all_ love _Labour_!
+
+    _Chorus_--It's high time, &c.
+
+  There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he _looks_ as hard as nails,
+  But when he wants to butter _us_, the Dorset never fails;
+  He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and messy.
+  He _couldn't_ flummerify us more were each of us a JESSE!
+
+    _Chorus_--It's high time, &c.
+
+  Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; _his_ treacle's pretty thick;
+  _He_ gives the Tories the straight tip,--and don't they take it--quick?
+  And now, by Jove, it's comical!--where _will_ the fashion end?--
+  There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine Labourer's Friend!
+
+    _Chorus_--It's high time, &c.
+
+  Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's drawing nigh,
+  And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll _promise_ for to try.
+  They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty Labouring Host,
+  Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have you all on toast!
+
+    _Chorus._
+
+  _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way._
+  _They'll strain their throats,--you mind your votes, and you may find it pay!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILDE FLOWERS.
+
+Some other fellow, in the _P.M.G._, has been beforehand with us in
+spotting "A Preface to _Dorian Gray_," by our OSCAR WILDE-r than
+ever, in this month's _Fortnightly. Dorian Gray_ was published some
+considerable time ago, so it belongs to ancient history, and now,
+after this lapse of time, out comes the preface. And this "preface"
+occupies the better part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of
+two pages; which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows
+of bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant aphorisms.
+The rule of the arrangement seems to be.--"when in doubt, plant
+asterisks." _Sic itur ad astra._ The garden is open to all, let us
+cull; here one and there one. "_To reveal Art and conceal the Artist,
+is Art's aim._" Is there not in this the scent of "_Ars est celare
+artem_"? "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "_Puris omnia
+pura_" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if I mistake
+not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to the stalk of
+another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to "adapt" Scripture to
+one's purpose is not to quote it. _Vade retro!_ Do we not recognise
+something familiar in "_When Critics disagree the Artist is in accord
+with himself?_"
+
+But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is over, then
+arises the despairing cry of our own cherished OSCAR. It is in the
+_Last of the Aphorisms_; after which, exhausted, he can only sign his
+name, fling away the goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious
+arm-chair exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into
+the work of one short hour. Ah! "_La plupart des livres d'à présent
+ont l'air d'avoir été faits en un jour avec des livres lus de la
+veille._" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, RIVAROL, and JEAN
+MORLÉ. "_Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!_ Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let
+us be natural, or shut up shop. Yet there is a chance,--to be
+supernatural. The great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among
+the gods, open to any aspirant for immortality. "_All Art is quite
+useless!_" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? "Is this
+the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word--for the present. Pan is dead!
+_Vive_ Pannikin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CES AUTRES."
+
+(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.)
+
+_Captain Bergamot_. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN THE SERVICE, MISS DE
+BULLION?"
+
+_Miss de Bullion_. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, AND--A--" (_with
+disgust_)--"THE REST IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"
+
+A SONG OF SYMPATHY.
+
+(_SOME WAY AFTER A CELEBRATED BOATING SONG._)
+
+    ["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the Colonies
+    continued separate they must become hostile communities,
+    and, in order that they might prevent that, it was for
+    the whole people to join in creating one great Union
+    Government."--REUTER.]
+
+Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, _an Old Blue, and a sympathetic on-looker,
+loquitur_:--
+
+  Capital boating weather!
+    Ay, and a favouring breeze!
+  Oars upon the feather!
+    Sun of the Southern Seas!
+  Brave boys! Swing together,
+    Your bodies between your knees!
+
+  Pheugh! How old memory rushes
+    Over me!--Pulled indeed!
+  Though LEO seldom gushes,
+    And these be of LEO's breed,
+  The blood of an Old Blue flushes
+    At the Young Blues' power and speed!
+
+  Coach them, or patronise them?
+    Nay, I've no call for that.
+  To cheer them, not to advise them,
+    I'm on this path,--that's pat!
+  Affection admiringly eyes them:--
+    Once in a boat I sat!
+
+  Pulled my weight at a pinch,
+    For odds cared never a "cuss;"
+  No stern-chase caused me to flinch,
+    But--always detested fuss.
+  Strain the last ounce, and inch!
+    Races are won, boys, _thus_!
+
+  Look a most likely lot,
+    Lionlets lithe and young.
+  Pace? They will make it hot.
+    Few can have feathered and swung
+  Better. Tall talk is rot;
+    But, hang it! I _must_ give tongue!
+
+  There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales,"
+    "Australia South" and "West,"
+  "Victoria,"--each one scales
+    Good weight, and with girth of chest;
+  "New Zealand's" zeal prevails,
+    He'll swing in time with the rest.
+
+  The hero born of Thetis
+    Had pluck enow. What then?
+  Each hero here, whose meat is
+    "Hard steak and harder hen,"
+  As stalwart and as fleet is
+    As the Greek first of men!
+
+  "Stroke" sets it long and steady;
+    _That_ gladdens a true Old Blue.
+  There's nothing hot and heady
+    In sturdy Number Two.
+  There are coxens sharp and ready
+    In the Land of the Kangaroo!
+
+  Go it, lads! Swing together!
+    Push elders from their stools?
+  Pooh! _I_ shall moult no feather;
+    Old boys are not always old fools.
+  Out upon jealous blether!
+    You've learnt in the best of schools.
+
+  I want to see you win, lads;
+    Old LEO loves his cubs.
+  If cynics growl or grin, lads,
+    We'll drive them back to their tubs.
+  Do you think my blood's so thin, lads,
+    I'd diet upon cold snubs?
+
+  The cynics think they're clever;
+    Beshrew their big bow-wow!
+  Boys, swing together ever,
+    Steady from stroke to bow;
+  One chain shall sever never--
+    The love-links round us now!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT'S IN A NAME?
+
+  Will someone gifted with the _nous_,
+  Explain the "why" of Spinning House?
+  Is it to strike with wholesome fear
+  The thoughtless Maiden whose career
+  Looks like a sinning one?
+  And thus the Judge her conscience wakes,
+  Since he, when passing sentence, takes
+  Good care to name a _Spinning_ one?
+  Or is it that in such a habitation,
+  Herself a spinster more at home might feel;
+  And in a Spinning House find occupation,
+  Provided with a decent spinning-wheel;
+  But there,--no matter whence it came,
+  Or what's the meaning hidden in its name,
+  About its destination there's no fear;
+  And judging from a noted recent case,
+  The Spinning House will,--it is pretty clear,--
+  Itself be soon sent spinning into space.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Is a husband worth having?" asks _Woman_. One reply would be, "Well,
+that depends on whose husband it is." But, by the way, this view was
+not under consideration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"
+
+BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, BOYS!--SWING TOGETHER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WILD WELCOME.
+
+  February's reign of gloom
+    Out of mind and sight is,
+  Noonday darkness of the tomb,
+    Carbon and bronchitis.
+
+  Though the air is keen and chill,
+    Cloudy though the skies are,
+  Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill,
+    Free from smart our eyes are.
+
+  Bursting on the lengthening day
+    Bellows March the Viking,
+  "I have blown the fogs away;
+    Is this to your liking?"
+
+  Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead
+    Sets the spirits bounding,
+  Like the Major's chartered steed
+    At the trumpet's sounding.
+
+  Welcome, roaring moon of dust,
+    Welcome, Spring's reviver;
+  On the race again we must
+    Risk the wonted fiver;
+
+  Fields are showing brighter green,
+    Early buds are shooting;
+  On the early youth is seen
+    The new season's suiting.
+
+  Long it is since sparrows shrill
+    With their chirping woke us;
+  There is one with busy bill
+    Worrying a crocus.
+
+  How they love the flow'r of spring--
+    Never can resist it;
+  What a graceful little thing--
+    Bother, I have miss'd it!
+
+  Now the wind along the plain
+    Comes with roar and clatter--
+  There, my hat is off again!
+    Let it go--no matter.
+
+  What am I, to say thee nay
+    In thy rudest phases?
+  Blow my Sunday hat away.
+    Blow my hat to blazes.
+
+  'Tis but little we can do
+    For thy bounty's measure--
+  Sacrifice a hat or two?
+    Forty hats, with pleasure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK.
+
+_FROM THE RAILWAY IMPROVEMENT PHRASE-BOOK._
+
+That Nursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator will
+certainly get run over by the train if she stands there gossiping with
+the man in the signal-box.
+
+That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown its rider
+this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing engine.
+
+So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens,
+and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken the
+contract for the making of the new line.
+
+Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right across
+the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable hatch-houses, puffing
+steam-cranes, and processions of mud-carts, rather interfere with the
+beauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bear in mind
+_that it is, after all, only to last for live years._
+
+Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under that
+luggage-train.
+
+It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget the
+inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public being able to
+get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for twopence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.--No man has a vote until he has attained his
+majority. How about some districts where they are nearly all Miners?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER.
+
+(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._)
+
+NO. II.--DON JUAN SENIOR.
+
+  To share with men the prandial gloom
+    Of union forced that fatal custom
+  Decrees to wither "youth and bloom,"
+    (The phrase is from _Sohrab and Rustum_)
+  I've suffered boredom to the full;
+    Professors dull--of Hindostani!
+  Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull--
+    He wasn't dull--was Don GIOVANNI.
+
+  A widower _fêted_ far and wide,
+    The jauntiest Rake who drinks the waters,
+  Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride
+    And terror of his decent daughters;
+  _Old_ Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm
+    Flirtations, free to fling his cash on
+  The dining Duchess, "mould of form!"
+    Antique, good-looking "glass of fashion."
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He gossiped how the Viscount bets
+    (Some heiress he must really "pick up"),
+  How noble dames smoke cigarettes
+    And noble heels in ballets kick up.
+  How "H.R.H."--_n'importe!_ my friend
+    Experience shows me that the _laches_
+  Of such as air these letters tend
+    In the direction of their "H"'s.
+
+  He chatted next of German Spas,
+    Of Continental, English "P.B.'s,"
+  And how our matchmaking Mammas
+    Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes,
+  How he with Royalties had graced
+    The latest function--genial patrons--
+  While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced
+    Before the virtuous British matrons.
+
+  And then his compliments began
+    To rain like drops of Frangipanni,
+  A most insinuating man
+    He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI.
+  You felt, if you could half believe,
+    You'd but to word a whim to find it,
+  You quite forgot he owned a sleeve,
+    And several teeth to laugh behind it.
+
+  There may be kindness, lofty souls,
+    Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows older,
+  _Him_ the Material controls:
+    He shrugs a sleek, good-natured shoulder.
+  Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke;
+    Your choicest vintage passes; e'en your
+  Supreme tobacco ends in smoke--
+    And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is proposed
+to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England and France.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS BY A CYNIC.
+
+LOVE.
+
+  What's Love, and all that Love can bring,
+    Youth's earliest illusion:
+  What tender words _she_ used to sing,
+    And blush with sweet confusion.
+  How you would hang upon each word,
+    When under spells of Cupid;
+  When half she said was most absurd,
+    And all extremely stupid.
+
+  You loved her for her hair of gold.
+    Unwitting that she dyed it;
+  She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold,
+    Though Time had never tried it.
+  Your worship came to such a pass,
+    That, when you calmly view it,
+  You feel you were an utter ass,
+    Though then you never knew it.
+
+  What happened? Why, the usual thing:
+    While round her you would linger,
+  Her love was fragile as the ring
+    You bought to grace her finger.
+  She went off with another man,
+    And so you had to sever:
+  Thus women since the world began
+    Have done, and will do ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER.
+
+I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up to a
+festival called "_The Coming Race_." I was there at the opening on
+Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, attended by her husband,
+Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared the Bazaar open. A gay and
+festive scene. Here, there, and everywhere, Egyptian houses made
+of cardboard, containing stalls full of the most useful articles
+imaginable. On the daïs, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting
+purses (containing £3 3s. and upwards) to the Princess, who received
+them with an affability which won the hearts of all beholders. On the
+floor of the building was a gaily-dressed throng, which included many
+a distinguished person. The revelry continued for three days, and was,
+I trust, the means of obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt,
+is most deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much
+at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere else.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FÊTE OR FATE?
+
+OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN IMPRESSIONIST._)
+
+  Lights and bouquets--flush and flare--
+  Motley medley--splash affair--
+  Deft disguises--flute and fife--
+  Half the world without his wife--
+  Dominos, and masks, and faces--
+  Graces three--and three Disgraces.
+  Jacks-in-boxes--tambour-majors--
+  Janes in office--ancient stagers--
+  REYNOLDS' Duchess--Shepherdesses;
+  (Burlington) Arcadian tresses--
+  Primrose damsels,--clowns and follies,--
+  Organ-grinders--Flemish dollies--
+  Macaronis, rather muddy,
+  Of the central stud a study--
+  England's mashers, Afric's dark sons--
+  NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's--
+  All costumes not apt the back to,
+  Some of them inclined to crack too--
+  Martyred revellers in upper
+  Rooms, and singing for their supper.
+  Bright confusion--many a mad hunt--
+  Five o'clock--_and wish I hadn't._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.--Revival of _Charles
+the First_!!! (at the Lyceum).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. NO. 2.--ARTHUR GOLFOUR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA.
+
+  "What are you doing, my pretty Maid?"
+  "I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said.
+  "May I question you, my pretty Maid?"
+  "Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said.
+  "Who is your father, my pretty Maid?"
+  "JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said.
+  "And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?"
+  "My race is my fortune, Sir," she said.
+  "Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!"
+  "Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.--_Mr. Punch_, Perpetual Universal
+Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, congratulates H.R.H., Grand
+Master of English Freemasons, on his plucky and straightforward action
+with regard to the G.M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who,
+having contravened the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878,
+may now exclaim, in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some
+great Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once
+frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was _not_
+Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECIPROCITY.--"MACE," in _The Illustrated London News_, says,
+sweepingly:--"No Under-Secretary ever has any opinion of his
+own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom has any opinion of an
+Under-Secretary!
+
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART.
+
+"DIE, VILLAIN!"
+
+"The extinction of literary piracy in America has been
+decreed."--_Times Leader, March 5._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--Navy Estimates on to-night.
+Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One,
+it is true, is HARCOURT; so perhaps the most accurate enumeration of
+the aggregate would be fifteen.
+
+"_Que diable allait-il faire dans ce_ jolly-boat?" GEORGE HAMILTON
+asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant occupation of tearing up
+strips of paper to glance across table at portly figure reclining on
+Front Opposition Bench. Several Admirals and Captains have spoken.
+Members generally have fled the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's
+sense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight;
+but CASABIANCA HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the
+Old Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying
+toleration with which he listens. Doesn't _say_ they're all wrong, but
+smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating COLOMB falters when,
+glancing round the great gaps of empty Benches opposite, his eye falls
+on HARCOURT.
+
+"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had
+contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed since
+commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the United Kingdom
+has increased only one-and-a-half times, while that of the outlying
+Empire has multiplied five-fold."
+
+General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every department
+of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought that at least he
+knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than Admiral
+FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and
+delivered slashing speech, laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as
+if he had been set up in the Place Vendôme; reviewing the British
+Fleet in masterly style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting
+Jerusalem and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First
+Lord of the Admiralty.
+
+[Illustration: Something more than his full height.]
+
+"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more than his
+full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I ever heard,
+even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our side. HOWORTH knows
+a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking in accomplishment; but
+for versatility, for profundity of knowledge, for readiness of
+grasp, whether the object be a lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the
+Exchequer's ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship,
+give me HARCOURT."
+
+_Business done_.--Committee on the Navy Estimates.
+
+_Tuesday_.--WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about the Fog? Couldn't
+something be done to lighten it, say by appointment of Royal
+Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across House upon his young friend
+with expression of almost paternal solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the
+allied force. What did he mean by suddenly springing this question on
+the First Lord of the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye?
+Had it something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the
+Union?
+
+CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring straight into
+space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, with hat cunningly
+tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have lain far in their pellucid
+depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly absorbed in the brown gaiters
+he has recently added to the graces of his personal appearance, in
+pathetic admission that the natural charms of youth are at length
+fading.
+
+Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the Union
+really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden behind the
+smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The only thing to
+do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD MORALITY, was to
+meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, plain enough as it appeared
+in print on the prosaic Orders, was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers
+consider the advisability of appointing a Royal Commission to examine
+and report how far the evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by
+legislation?"
+
+"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to assure my
+Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in common with other
+inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely sensible of the serious
+injury, disturbance, and hardship inflicted by the increasing
+prevalence of fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause of the London
+fog? These fogs, which occur generally in the winter time, are
+occasioned thus: some current of air, being suddenly cooled, descends
+into the warm streets, forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the
+earth. But, my Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every
+night? I will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's
+Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our wish
+is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the
+House they sit. Fogs--this I have no hesitation in stating--do not
+supervene without intermission on successive nights, because the air
+will always hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies
+according to its temperature, and when the air is not saturated,
+it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. Yes, I know.
+My Right Hon. Friend, the Member for West Birmingham, with his
+usual acumen--which I am sure we all recognise--asks me, In what
+circumstances do fogs occur at night? I am much obliged to him for
+reminding me of the point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has
+been saturated with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it
+deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form known in rural
+districts--as my Hon. Friend, the Member for the Bordesley Division,
+is well aware--as dew. In the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog.
+This process of deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the
+air for holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing night.
+I think I have now answered the question of my Noble Friend fully,
+and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, upon consideration,
+see that this is not a matter with which a Royal Commission could
+be expected successfully to cope, and, therefore, I may add, Her
+Majesty's Government do not, after full consideration of their duty
+to the QUEEN and Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion
+thrown out by my Noble Friend."
+
+[Illustration: Feeling his Way through the Fog.]
+
+BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; remained
+very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes to eleven he
+thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's meaning. "Yes," he
+added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling my way through the fog."
+
+_Business done_.--STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution negatived by 291
+Votes against 189.
+
+_Thursday_.--In Lords to-night, three white figures fluttered down
+gently on to red Benches, like virgin flakes of snow. But, unlike
+snow, they didn't melt. On close examination, turned out to be three
+new Bishops; two of them old friends, with new titles.
+
+"Like _Bottom_, translated," BRAMWELL growls.
+
+Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back Archbishop
+of York. The ceremony of their installation not nearly so comic as
+that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter King-at-Arms does not
+appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any game of Follow-my-leader round
+the Benches.
+
+"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says has no
+strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would never do. Must be
+careful with our Bishops."
+
+[Illustration: The Inflammable Liquor Bill.]
+
+So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the
+LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal Bench,
+folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent an added air
+of peace and purity to the precincts.
+
+DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had promised
+to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill, limiting duration of
+Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons, whilst ATKINSON turned his
+attention to his Dowagers Bill.
+
+"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes thought an
+alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition between two estates
+of the realm, might work great things. But I'm beginning to lose
+confidence in him. At certain periods of the lunar month he's too
+comprehensive in his legislative ambition. Why wasn't he content
+with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers,
+dear TOBY, have, if I may say so--using the phrase strictly in
+Parliamentary sense--got their arms round the neck of my friend
+ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, between
+us, we could have put things straight generally."
+
+_Business done_.--Navy Estimates in Commons.
+
+_Friday_.--PHILIPPE EGALITÉ very rarely troubles House with ordered
+speech. A good deal on his mind looking after JACOBY, and keeping
+the Party straight. But his silence doesn't arise from incapacity to
+speak. This shown to-night in his speech on Railway Rates and Charges.
+Full of good matter, admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK
+proposed to discuss Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about
+it particularly. So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the
+chief _Business done_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR.
+
+(_A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE._)
+
+  I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern pate,
+  Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of State,
+  Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old rate,
+  With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his gate;
+        This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time.
+
+  His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse of time"
+  (He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more sublime;
+  For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must obey.
+  And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial way,
+        Of this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) "he'd not oppose."
+  Social reform or Education _he_'d not treat as foes,
+  But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might trip his toes,
+  And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it (by the nose?),
+        This fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  Now surely this is better far than all the old parade
+  Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade;
+  And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be said,
+  Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow _he knows his trade_,
+        Does this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  There were some who did not like it,--there are always such, one knows,
+  Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style oppose.
+  Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not see
+  Laying down his long-held power, and submitting tranquilly
+        To this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  _He_ was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love the plough,
+  So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, roused lots of row.
+  For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon the shelf,
+  Found that long control of others did _not_ mean control of self,
+        _Or_ this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to lead the dance,
+  Has a very trying _vis-à-vis_, that fractious dame, _La France_,
+  To keep step with that lady, without treading on her train,
+  Would tax Terpsichore herself; _he_ finds the effort vain;
+        Does this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish task,
+  That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact will task.
+  Let us wish him patriot wisdom, _and_ respect for Elder Fame,
+  And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a noble name,
+        This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROUGH CROSSING.
+
+That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, and his head
+covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just returned from fighting the
+Dacoits in Upper Burmah?
+
+I certainly _am_ surprised when you inform me that he has only tried
+to cross a London street in a fog.
+
+Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just thundered past at
+twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was _not_ a fire-engine, but only a
+covered Van?
+
+Yes, I believe it _is_ a fact that special beds in all the Hospitals
+are now reserved for Van-victims.
+
+Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to the Rear;
+still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so much like a
+highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your life!"
+
+If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van will have to
+carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with it.
+
+What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting angrily? Oh, I
+suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over by the Coal-waggon
+and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is remonstrating with the
+driver?
+
+What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing the old
+gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way?
+
+I _have_ heard that the Insurance Companies now insert in their
+policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any street in London,
+except under police escort.
+
+And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down in the
+streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time that something
+were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in his wild career?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100. March 14, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.
+March 14, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. March 14, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 15, 2004 [EBook #13186]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>March 14, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page121"
+       id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span>
+
+    <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. III.&mdash;THE BIOGRAPHER.</h3>
+
+    <p>We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to
+    take a further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy
+    merchant, who has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the
+    elegant leisure of a suburban villa&mdash;let us say at
+    Norwood. You are in your dining-room, examining the sky, and
+    thinking that, if the weather holds up, you will take your big
+    dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you are told
+    that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on
+    particular business." The very word excites you, not
+    unpleasantly, nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's
+    business, or the District Board, or the County Council&mdash;it
+    is enough that your experience and practical knowledge of
+    affairs are in request&mdash;and, better still, it will give
+    you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own
+    importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk
+    stranger, with red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in
+    documents which he has brought with him in a black bag.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:36%;">
+        <a href="images/121-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/121-1.png"
+             alt="'Your Visitor has his Note-book out.'" />
+             </a>"Your Visitor has his Note-book out."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"I <i>have</i> the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I
+    think?" he says. "Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider
+    myself extremely fortunate in finding you at home, I assure
+    you, and a very charming place you have here&mdash;abundant
+    evidence of a refined and cultivated mind, excellent selection
+    of our best-known writers, everything, if I may say so, elegant
+    in the extreme&mdash;as was to be expected! Even from the
+    cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would
+    lend itself admirably to picturesque description&mdash;which
+    brings me to the object of my visit. I have called upon you,
+    Mr. LANE, in the hope of eliciting your sympathy and patronage
+    for a work I am now compiling&mdash;a work which will, I am
+    confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your wide culture
+    and interest in literary matters." (<i>Here you will look as
+    judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a
+    new Encyclopædia, or an illustrated edition of</i> SHAKSPEARE's
+    <i>works</i>.) "The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled,
+    <i>Notable Nonentities of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here
+    you will nod gravely, rather taken by the title.</i>) "It will
+    be published very shortly, by subscription, Mr. LANE, in two
+    handsome quarto volumes, got up in the most sumptuous style. It
+    is a work which has been long wanted, and which, I venture to
+    predict, will be very widely read. It is my ambition to make it
+    a complete biographical compendium of every living celebrity of
+    note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will be
+    embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely
+    new process upon India and Japanese paper;
+    everything&mdash;type, ink, paper, binding, will be of the best
+    procurable; the publishers being determined to spare no expense
+    in making it a book of reference superior to anything of the
+    kind previously attempted!" (<i>As he pauses fur breath, you
+    will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a work, as he
+    contemplates, will be an excellent thing&mdash;but that, for
+    your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting
+    the Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will
+    excuse you</i>&mdash;)</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:36%;">
+        <a href="images/121-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/121-2.png"
+             alt="'You may have to wait.'" /></a>"You may have to
+             wait."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my
+    object. I should not dream of expecting you to <i>subscribe</i>
+    to such a work. But, in my capacity of compiler, I naturally
+    desire to leave nothing undone that care and research can
+    effect to render the work complete&mdash;and it would be
+    incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to so
+    distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("<i>Oh,
+    pooh&mdash;nonsense!" You will say at this&mdash;but you will
+    sit down again</i>) "Norwood is a singularly favoured locality.
+    Sir; its charms have induced many of our foremost men to select
+    it for their <i>rus in urbe</i>. Why, in this very
+    road&mdash;May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with
+    Alderman MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to
+    furnish me with many interesting details of his personal
+    career, a photo-gravured portrait of him will be included, with
+    views of the interior and exterior of 'The Drudgeries,' and a
+    bit from the back-garden." (<i>You do know</i>
+    MINCING&mdash;<i>and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the
+    absurd vanity of the man</i>&mdash;<i>a mere nobody, away from
+    the City!</i>) "Between ourselves," says your interviewer,
+    candidly, having possibly observed your expression, "I am by no
+    means sure that I shall feel warranted in allotting Alderman
+    MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider himself
+    entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable man,
+    does <i>not</i> appeal to the popular imagination as others I
+    could mention do&mdash;he is just a <i>little</i> commonplace!"
+    ("<i>Shrewd follow, this!" you think to yourself&mdash;"Got</i>
+    MINCING's <i>measure!</i>") "But I should feel it an honour,
+    indeed, if such a man as yourself, now, would give me all the
+    personal information you think proper to make public, while, as
+    a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and artistic
+    domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I do
+    trust that you will see your way to&mdash;" (<i>At first, you
+    suggest that you must talk it over with your Wife&mdash;but you
+    presently see that if</i> MINCING <i>and men of that calibre
+    are to be in this, you cannot, for your own sake, hold aloof,
+    and so your Visitor soon has his note-book out.</i>) "Any
+    remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE? A
+    strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to
+    black-beetles&mdash;both of which you still retain? Thank you,
+    <i>very</i> much. And you were educated? At Dulborough Grammar
+    School? Just <i>so</i>! Never took to Latin, or learned Greek?
+    Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves thus
+    early&mdash;curious, <i>indeed</i>! Entered your father's
+    office as clerk? Became a partner? Married your present
+    lady&mdash;when? In 1860? Exactly!&mdash;and have offspring?
+    Your subsequent life comparatively uneventful? That will do
+    admirably&mdash;infinitely obliged to you, I am sure. It would
+    be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy of the
+    work, when issued, forwarded to you&mdash;we can do it for you
+    at the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in
+    advance&mdash;a gratifying possession for your children after
+    you have gone, Mr. LANE! I <i>may</i> put you down? Thank you.
+    For <i>two</i> copies?" (<i>On second thoughts, you do order
+    two copies; you can send one out to your married Sister in
+    Australia</i>&mdash;<i>it will amuse her.</i>) "One, two,
+    three, four guineas&mdash;<i>quite</i> correct, Mr. LANE, and
+    you shall have an early opportunity of revising a proof, and we
+    will send down a competent artist, in a day or two, to take the
+    photographs. Quite an agreeable change in the weather, is it
+    not? <i>Good</i> day!"</p>
+
+    <p>He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the
+    photographer, and the appearance of that great work. <i>Notable
+    Nonentities of Norwood</i>,&mdash;and it is not at all unlikely
+    that you may have to wait a considerable time.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Iago on the Great Sermon Question.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public,</p>
+
+            <p>Is the immediate jewel of their souls.</p>
+
+            <p>Who steals my <i>sermon</i>, steals trash; 'tis
+            something, nothing;</p>
+
+            <p>'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by
+            dozens;</p>
+
+            <p>But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist,</p>
+
+            <p>Robs me of that which is no good to him,</p>
+
+            <p>And leaves me poor&mdash;in credit.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &amp;c.&mdash;A new book of advice for
+    intending Travellers has recently been published, entitled,
+    "<i>Where to Stay</i>." It is both ornamental and useful; but
+    so much depends on ways and means, that, after careful
+    consideration, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, when asked "<i>Where to
+    Stay</i>," considers the safest answer will always be, "<i>At
+    home</i>."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page122"
+       id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:80%;">
+        <a href="images/122.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/122.png"
+             alt="'CHUCKED!'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"CHUCKED!"</h3>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber
+            having yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144,
+            rejected a Bill legalising the <i>pari mutuel</i>, and
+            the Government having pledged itself to enforce the law
+            against gambling."&mdash;<i>Times Paris
+            Correspondent</i>.]</p>
+        </blockquote><i>The Bookie</i>. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF
+        TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE 'OME!"
+    </div>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Extract of Letter from</i> DICKY DIDDLUM, <i>Bookmaker,
+    Paris, to</i> BOUNDING BOB, <i>ditto, Newmarket.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly <i>hup</i> as
+    the top of the Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after
+    all. Thought we <i>had</i> taught 'em a bit about <i>Ler
+    Sport</i> by this time: but, bless yer, BOB, once a Pollyvoo,
+    always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a 'Oss, or
+    knows 'ow to make a Book!</p>
+
+    <p>"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County
+    Councils, dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the
+    Detective bizness in their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there
+    won't be a safe look in for a party as wants to do a nice
+    little flutter&mdash;unless, of course, he's a Stock-Exchange
+    spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines.
+    <i>Then</i> he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses
+    as much as he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French
+    <i>Bourse</i> 'ud get along without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss
+    barney, as every man as <i>is</i> a man finds the werry salt of
+    life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin' played down too
+    darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all? Why, 'No
+    Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact size
+    of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB!</p>
+
+    <p>"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense,
+    fur as <i>I</i> see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a
+    Republican, too, bless his boko! said as 'races were essential
+    to 'orsebreeding, and that without betting there would be no
+    races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.! And then they up and chuck
+    hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no betting, no races; no
+    racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's how it runs,
+    BOB, or I'm a sossidge!</p>
+
+    <p>"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for
+    anythink. Look at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the
+    Hempress! Why, if <i>we</i> 'ad that duffer, DEROULÈDE, on
+    Newmarket 'Eath, we should just duck him in a 'orsepond, like a
+    copped Welsher. Here they washup him, or else knuckle under to
+    him, like a skeery Coster's missus when her old man's on the
+    mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his bloomin'
+    high-lows. <i>That's</i> yer high-polite French Artists and
+    brave booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah!</p>
+
+    <p>"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this.
+    MOSSOO CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would
+    be an end to bookmakers.' And it <i>was</i> carried, by 340
+    mugs against 144 right 'uns. And arter all me and my sort has
+    done for Parry! It's mean, that's wot it is, BOB. P'raps
+    they'll chuck British <i>jockeys</i> next! Much good their
+    <i>Grong Pree</i>, ancetrer, will be <i>then</i>, my boy.
+    <i>Our</i> 'osses, <i>our</i> jockeys, <i>and</i> our bookies
+    has bin the making of French Sport,&mdash;and werrv nice little
+    pickings there's bin out of it take it all round. Wot'll <i>Ler
+    Hig Life</i>, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots, and miles o'
+    bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do for Parry
+    without <i>hus</i>, I wonder? We shall <i>see</i>! Ah, Madame
+    <i>lar Republick</i>, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your
+    bullyin' jondarms, for chucking o' me afore you're through. As
+    MAT MOPUS put it:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It was all werry well to dissemble yer love,</p>
+
+            <p>But wy did yer kick me down-stairs?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next
+    week, BOB. Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all,
+    there's no place like 'ome! No!&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Mid <i>Boises</i> and Bullyvards tho' we may
+            roam,</p>
+
+            <p>Be it hever so foggy, there's no place <i>like</i>
+            'ome;</p>
+
+            <p>A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport
+            there,</p>
+
+            <p>Wich, look where you will, isn't met with
+            elsewhere.</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome,</p>
+
+            <p>Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like
+            'ome!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page123"
+               id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main;</p>
+
+            <p>Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again;</p>
+
+            <p>The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl,</p>
+
+            <p>Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than
+            all.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">'Ome, 'ome,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Sweet, sweet 'ome,</p>
+
+            <p>With RAIKES<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a>,
+               LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Mean to sing <i>that</i> at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But
+    till then, Ta&mdash;ta!!"</p>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL
+        SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other
+        telegrams transmitted by the Post-office Department."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Desdemona to the Author of "Dorian Gray."</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A propos of his paragraphic Preface.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club
+    corner. What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and
+    foolish?"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SOMETHING IN A NAME.&mdash;A recent theatrical announcement
+    informed us that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of
+    a Mr. HENRY DAM. If successful, imagine the audience calling
+    for the Author by name. If a triumph, the new dramatist will be
+    known as "The big, big D."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>By a Tired and Cynical Critic of Current Fiction.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen.</p>
+
+            <p>A School? What's really wanted is a Prison.</p>
+
+            <p>Life-long confinement far from pen and ink</p>
+
+            <p><i>Might</i> cure the crowd of fictionists, I
+            <i>think</i>.</p>
+
+            <p>Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight,</p>
+
+            <p>Go teach the Novelist how <i>not</i> to write!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ATHLETICS.&mdash;It is said that the County Council are
+    resolved to forbid the popular feats of raising heavy weights,
+    upon the ground that it may lead to shoplifting.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.&mdash;<i>Lady B-ountiful</i>
+    first, at the Garrick, and <i>Lady B-arter</i> at the
+    Princess's.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/123.png"
+             alt="OLD FRIENDS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>OLD FRIENDS.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Big Ben</i>. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP!
+        JUST LOOK AT YOU AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE <i>ALWAYS</i>
+        TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE!
+        IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST FRIENDS FOR
+        FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I
+        POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT
+        LEFT!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Little Dick</i> (<i>dreamily</i>). "AH, BUT YOU MUST
+        REMEMBER THAT I'VE <i>NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK
+        AGAIN!</i>"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE FIRST ACT&mdash;AND THE LAST.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Departmental Tragi-Comedy, in active
+    Rehearsal.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>ACT I.&mdash;<i>The Scene represents the Interior of a
+    Military Instruction Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed
+    advanced Problems and Calculations in the Higher Mathematics,
+    and various Scientific Charts cover the Walls. Models of
+    mechanical contrivances and machinery used in the construction
+    of complicated Small Arms approved by the Authorities, are
+    scattered about in every direction.</i> TOMMY ATKINS <i>is
+    discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a
+    very lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Military Instructor</i> (<i>who has been for an hour and
+    a half explaining the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine
+    Rifle, finally approaching the end of his subject</i>). Well,
+    as I have fully explained before, but may state once more, so
+    as to firmly impress it on your memory, you will bear in mind
+    that the cylindrical portion will be shortened in front, the
+    end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, and stud
+    on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a small
+    keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while the
+    cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases
+    or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the
+    locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the
+    twenty-four different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will
+    be well to retain their various outside thread diameters in
+    your memory, specially not forgetting that those of the Butt
+    Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, and the Striker Keeper
+    Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and .116 of an inch.
+    Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that, if
+    anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you
+    will practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you
+    should be thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component
+    items, which, properly adjusted one with the other, make up the
+    whole weapon. I think I need not refer again to the "sighting,"
+    seeing that the Lewes system is abolished, and that the weapon
+    is now sighted up to 3,500 yards, "dead on," no matter what the
+    wind may be. With this remark, I have much pleasure in placing
+    the rifle in your hands (<i>gives him one</i>), at the same
+    time advising you, if called upon to use it in the heat of
+    action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured to
+    impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head
+    cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have
+    made myself pretty clear?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>with a grin</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. And there is nothing more you
+    wish to ask me?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). Noa, Sir!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. Ah! well then, good morning. I
+    trust you will find it, what they assure me it is,&mdash;a most
+    serviceable weapon.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>saluting</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>ACT II.&mdash;<i>The Scene represents a Field of Battle
+    (after the fight) in the immediate neighbourhood of London.</i>
+    TOMMY ATKINS <i>and the</i> Military Instructor <i>discovered
+    lying badly wounded amidst a heap of the slain. A European War
+    having broken out suddenly, from which the Country could not
+    escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding that it had
+    only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few of
+    these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition
+    provided for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is
+    invaded, while a Committee of Experts is still trying to settle
+    on a suitable cartridge for the new Magazine Rifle. The result
+    is, that after a couple of pitched battles, though in an
+    outburst of popular fury</i>, Mr. STANHOPE <i>is lynched by the
+    Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London capitulates,
+    and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on by
+    the</i> LORD MAYOR, <i>in the Bank of England.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Military Instructor</i> (<i>sitting up and rubbing his
+    eyes</i>). Dear me! we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was
+    no good, after all. (<i>Recognising him.</i>) Halloa,
+    ATKINS!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>with a grin</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. You remember all I told you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. I'm afraid that wasn't such a
+    serviceable weapon, after all!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). Noa, Sir!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. Dear me! Well, we had better get
+    out of this! By Jove! it looks like the last Act!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the
+        Battle-field, the</i> Military Instructor <i>threatening to
+        write to the "Times," and</i> TOMMY ATKINS <i>still
+        grinning as Curtain falls.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page124"
+       id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/124.png"
+             alt="Sylvanus and Urbanus." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sylvanus</i>. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE
+        MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Urbanus</i>. "OH&mdash;ER&mdash;YES. BUT HOW DO YOU
+        GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for
+        &mdash;&mdash;, feel that he had of fair play if he walked
+        into the Opposition side in a Division?"&mdash;<i>Evening
+        Paper</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered
+        apparently dying in the hour of victory.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Faithful Aide-de-Camp</i>. The enemy run, Sir! We have
+    beaten them off on every side!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>faintly</i>). That is well! (<i>with a
+    sigh</i>) and yet my heart is heavy within me! Believe me,
+    SMITH, I cannot die easily.</p>
+
+    <p><i>F.A.-de-C.</i> And yet the vacancy thus created would be
+    found a stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that,
+    Sir?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Col. X.</i> I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a
+    politician the idea is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had
+    always done my duty in the House of Commons! But no, with a
+    view to obtaining this command, I voted against my convictions!
+    I supported the Government in their proposal to tax
+    perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I was weak
+    and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could
+    live to repair the past.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Opposition Whip</i> (<i>suddenly springing up from behind
+    a limber à la</i> HAWKSHAW <i>the Detective</i>). It is
+    <i>not</i> too late! Return with me to Westminster forthwith.
+    The Third Reading is down for to-night! With a special train we
+    shall be in time! You can yet record your vote!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Col. X.</i> (<i>suddenly reviving</i>). Say you so? Then
+    I <i>will</i> recover! I <i>will</i> do my duty!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put
+        permanently on the shelf, from a military point of
+        view!</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p>SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in <i>Scribner</i>, for
+    March, is interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to
+    be a charming people; and the Japanese women delightful as
+    wives; but then they can be divorced for being talkative.</p>
+
+    <p><i>A propos</i> of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA
+    JOKO's capital illustrations of Hospital Nursing in <i>The
+    English Illustrated Magazine</i>, the Matron's room must be "an
+    illigant place, intoirely"; while as for amusement, if the
+    picture of a nurse giving a patient a cup of ink by mistake for
+    liquorice-water isn't a real good practical side-splitter, the
+    Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we come upon a
+    delightful little picture of "<i>The Pet of the Hospital</i>";
+    and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing
+    Sister it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does
+    she marry a "Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she
+    must be a "great attraction," and if anything were to happen to
+    the Baron, and he couldn't be removed to his own palatial
+    residence, he would say, "Put me in a cab, drive me to the
+    Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty Pet's Ward."</p>
+
+    <p>The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY
+    McCARTHY's "Pages on Plays" in <i>The Gentleman's Magazine</i>.
+    JUSTIN HUNTLY expresses his opinion that "<i>The Dancing
+    Girl</i> will almost certainly be the play of the season; it
+    will probably be the principal play of the year." "Almost
+    certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The Baron backs
+    <i>The Idler</i> against <i>The Dancing Girl</i> for a run. In
+    the same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short
+    story, called <i>Sally</i>, material that would have served
+    some authors for a three-volume novel.</p>
+
+    <p>It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on
+    any one point with the Author of <i>Essays in Little</i>, and
+    in proportion to the number of the points so is the Baron's
+    pleasure intensified. Most intending readers of these Essays,
+    on taking up the book, would be less curious to ascertain what
+    ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER and the study of Greek,
+    about THÉODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES BAYLEY, the Sagas,
+    and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions on DICKENS
+    and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more popular.
+    The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays of
+    ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on
+    any account, omit the delightfully written and truly
+    appreciative article on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you
+    please, but finish with "<i>the last fashionable novel</i>,"
+    wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest mood, treats us to
+    an excellent parody.</p>
+
+    <p>The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this
+    Extra-Ordinary Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the
+    discharge of his duties by reading <i>Monte Carlo, and How to
+    Do It</i>, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W.
+    ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following terms to his loved
+    Chief:&mdash;This book achieves the task of combining
+    extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid
+    dulness&mdash;not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of
+    low slang and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume
+    themselves on their marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo,
+    which, with their usual sprightly facetiousness, they call
+    "Charley's Mount." They are good enough to tell such of the
+    travelling public as may want to get there, that the train
+    leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35.
+    Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the
+    steamer (Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais,
+    where there is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead
+    of going by the <i>Ceinture</i>, they drove across Paris. The
+    greenhorns arrive at Monte Carlo, and then settle on their
+    quarters. Anyone but an idiot would have settled all this, and
+    much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly greenhorn, who wishes us
+    to think that "<i>il connait son Paris</i>," talks of "suppers
+    of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish), and
+    informs us that, "at the Hôtel de l'Athenée, the staff esteem
+    it rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language,
+    to grin and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and
+    swearing British greenhorn! now I know why the French so
+    greatly love our countrymen. But why, oh why do you imagine
+    that you have discovered Monte Carlo? For the details of the
+    journey, and the instructions to future explorers, are set out
+    with a painful minuteness which not even STANLEY could rival.
+    As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned, picturesque
+    Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from the glare and
+    noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it scornfully, as
+    having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center want?
+    He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who are
+    "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The
+    Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &amp;c., and declares of the
+    French soldier that "the short service forty-eight-day men
+    don't have a very unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for
+    you, there's elegance! Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically
+    eloquent on the subject of fleas, throws in such lucid
+    expressions as "chin music," "gives him biff," "his craft is
+    thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and his
+    fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most
+    foolish greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can
+    imagine the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering,
+    blatant, gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as
+    sportsmen, and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the
+    Baron to his Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with
+    his signature,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page125"
+       id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span>
+
+    <h2>MORE IBSENITY!</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/125.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Dear EDITOR,&mdash;Noticing that the author of <i>The Doll's
+    House</i> was to have another morning, or, to use an equally
+    suitable epithet, mourning performance devoted to his works, I
+    made up my mind, after bracing up my nerves, to attend it. The
+    23rd of February (the date of the proposed function) as the
+    second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too, distinctly
+    appropriate. By attending the performance&mdash;IBSEN
+    recommends self-execution&mdash;I sentenced myself to three
+    hours and a half of boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot
+    help feeling that whatever my past may have been, the penance
+    paid to wipe it out was excessive, and therefore rendered it
+    unnecessary that I should attend a second performance announced
+    for last week.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Rosmershölm</i> is in four Acts and one Scene&mdash;a
+    room in <i>Rosmer's</i> House. Act I. <i>Rector Kroll</i>, who
+    is the brother-in-law of <i>Pastor Rosmer</i>, calls upon the
+    latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the Conservative
+    interest. <i>Kroll</i> (who, by the way, is a married man)
+    before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild
+    flirtation with <i>Rebecca West</i>, a female of a certain age,
+    who has taken up her abode for some years in the Rector's
+    house. And here I may observe that the Rector's housekeeper,
+    <i>Madame Helseth</i>, presumably a highly respectable person,
+    although she has excellent reasons, from the first, for
+    believing that the relations between her Master and
+    <i>Rebecca</i> are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic
+    arrangements of the Rosmer <i>ménage</i> with hearty
+    acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm. <i>Rosmer</i> interrupts
+    the Rector's <i>tête-à-tête</i> with the fascinating
+    <i>Rebecca</i>, and declines the proffered editorship, because
+    he is a Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,&mdash;no action
+    to speak of, but a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we
+    learn that the late <i>Mrs. Rosmer</i> has committed suicide,
+    because she was informed that the apostate Pastor could only
+    save his villainy from exposure by giving immediately the
+    position of wife to her friend <i>Rebecca</i>. She has had this
+    tip on the most reliable authority,&mdash;it has been furnished
+    by <i>Rebecca</i> herself. Then the Pastor asks <i>Rebecca</i>
+    to marry him, but is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it
+    be that she has tired of her guilty passion. In Act III.
+    <i>Rebecca</i> admits to the widower and his brother-in-law
+    that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares to decamp. In
+    the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has been in
+    love with <i>Rebecca</i> from the first, loves her now, but is
+    not sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this
+    point, will she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as
+    to jump into the mill-stream, and drown herself? With
+    pleasure&mdash;and she takes a header! He explains that
+    courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and follows her
+    example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily!</p>
+
+    <p>And this is the plot! And what about the characters?
+    <i>Rebecca</i> is merely a hysterical old maid, who would have
+    been set right, in the time of the Tudors, with a sound
+    ducking; and nowadays, had she consulted a fashionable
+    physician, she would have been probably ordered a sea-voyage,
+    and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is a feeble, fickle
+    fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in his life.
+    He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that she
+    married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an
+    entirely convincing nature. The <i>Rector Kroll</i> is a prig
+    and a bore of the first water. When he discovers
+    <i>Rebecca's</i> perfidy, he suggests that she may have
+    inherited her proneness for treachery from her
+    father&mdash;and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the
+    name of a gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a
+    parent! The best line in the piece, to my mind&mdash;and it
+    certainly "went with a roar"&mdash;is a question of the
+    housekeeper&mdash;answered in the negative&mdash;"Have you ever
+    seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings!
+    Pretentious twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it
+    less idiotic. And <i>so</i> dull!</p>
+
+    <p>As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I
+    dislike undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my
+    opinion is shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic
+    of <i>Truth</i>, wrote last week&mdash;"The few independent
+    persons who have sat out a play by IBSEN, be it <i>The Doll's
+    House</i>, or <i>The Pillars of Society</i>, or
+    <i>Rosmershölm</i>, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff
+    before the playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre,
+    remove your <i>claque</i>, exhaust your attendance of the
+    socialist and the sexless, and then see where your IBSEN will
+    be.' I have never known an audience that cared to pay to be
+    bored, and the over-vaunted <i>Rosmershölm</i> bored even the
+    Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their
+    martyrdom! I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have
+    never seen a dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I
+    wish I could say as much, and I shall be surprised if you do
+    not appreciate the feeling, after you too have partaken of this
+    truly Lenten fare. Yours sincerely,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN&mdash;AT A DISTANCE.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>STRIKING TIMES.</h2>
+
+    <h3>NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Labouring Elector.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to
+            my song.</p>
+
+            <p>The times should much amuse you; you are up, and
+            going strong.</p>
+
+            <p>The Working Men of England at length begin to
+            see</p>
+
+            <p>That <i>their</i> parsnips for to butter now the
+            Parties all agree.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Chorus.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>It's high time that the Working Men should have
+            it their own way,</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter
+            every day!</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it
+            strikes me so.</p>
+
+            <p>Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must
+            go.</p>
+
+            <p>NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an
+            artful plan;</p>
+
+            <p>But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY
+            MANN!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Chorus</i>&mdash;It's high time, &amp;c.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and
+            M.P.'s,</p>
+
+            <p>Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we
+            darn please.</p>
+
+            <p>Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his
+            neighbour;</p>
+
+            <p>Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they
+            <i>all</i> love <i>Labour</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Chorus</i>&mdash;It's high time, &amp;c.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he <i>looks</i> as
+            hard as nails,</p>
+
+            <p>But when he wants to butter <i>us</i>, the Dorset
+            never fails;</p>
+
+            <p>He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and
+            messy.</p>
+
+            <p>He <i>couldn't</i> flummerify us more were each of
+            us a JESSE!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Chorus</i>&mdash;It's high time, &amp;c.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; <i>his</i>
+            treacle's pretty thick;</p>
+
+            <p><i>He</i> gives the Tories the straight
+            tip,&mdash;and don't they take it&mdash;quick?</p>
+
+            <p>And now, by Jove, it's comical!&mdash;where
+            <i>will</i> the fashion end?&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine
+            Labourer's Friend!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Chorus</i>&mdash;It's high time, &amp;c.
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's
+            drawing nigh,</p>
+
+            <p>And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll
+            <i>promise</i> for to try.</p>
+
+            <p>They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty
+            Labouring Host,</p>
+
+            <p>Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have
+            you all on toast!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Chorus.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>It's high time that the Working Men should have
+            it their own way.</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>They'll strain their throats,&mdash;you mind your
+            votes, and you may find it pay!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WILDE FLOWERS.</h2>
+
+    <p>Some other fellow, in the <i>P.M.G.</i>, has been beforehand
+    with us in spotting "A Preface to <i>Dorian Gray</i>," by our
+    OSCAR WILDE-r than ever, in this month's <i>Fortnightly. Dorian
+    Gray</i> was published some considerable time ago, so it
+    belongs to ancient history, and now, after this lapse of time,
+    out comes the preface. And this "preface" occupies the better
+    part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of two pages;
+    which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows of
+    bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant
+    aphorisms. The rule of the arrangement seems to be.&mdash;"when
+    in doubt, plant asterisks." <i>Sic itur ad astra.</i> The
+    garden is open to all, let us cull; here one and there one.
+    "<i>To reveal Art and conceal the Artist, is Art's aim.</i>" Is
+    there not in this the scent of "<i>Ars est celare artem</i>"?
+    "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "<i>Puris omnia
+    pura</i>" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if
+    I mistake not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to
+    the stalk of another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to
+    "adapt" Scripture to one's purpose is not to quote it. <i>Vade
+    retro!</i> Do we not recognise something familiar in "<i>When
+    Critics disagree the Artist is in accord with himself?</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is
+    over, then arises the despairing cry of our own cherished
+    OSCAR. It is in the <i>Last of the Aphorisms</i>; after which,
+    exhausted, he can only sign his name, fling away the
+    goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious arm-chair
+    exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into
+    the work of one short hour. Ah! "<i>La plupart des livres d'à
+    présent ont l'air d'avoir été faits en un jour avec des livres
+    lus de la veille.</i>" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT,
+    RIVAROL, and JEAN MORLÉ. "<i>Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!</i>
+    Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let us be natural, or shut up
+    shop. Yet there is a chance,&mdash;to be supernatural. The
+    great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among the gods,
+    open to any aspirant for immortality. "<i>All Art is quite
+    useless!</i>" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this?
+    "Is this the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word&mdash;for the
+    present. Pan is dead! <i>Vive</i> Pannikin!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page126"
+       id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/126.png"
+             alt="'CES AUTRES.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"CES AUTRES."</h3>(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.)
+
+        <p><i>Captain Bergamot</i>. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN
+        THE SERVICE, MISS DE BULLION?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Miss de Bullion</i>. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS,
+        AND&mdash;A&mdash;" (<i>with disgust</i>)&mdash;"THE REST
+        IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"</h2>
+
+    <h3>A SONG OF SYMPATHY.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Some Way after a celebrated Boating Song.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the
+        Colonies continued separate they must become hostile
+        communities, and, in order that they might prevent that, it
+        was for the whole people to join in creating one great
+        Union Government."&mdash;REUTER.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, <i>an Old Blue, and a sympathetic
+    on-looker, loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Capital boating weather!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ay, and a favouring breeze!</p>
+
+            <p>Oars upon the feather!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Sun of the Southern Seas!</p>
+
+            <p>Brave boys! Swing together,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your bodies between your knees!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Pheugh! How old memory rushes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Over me!&mdash;Pulled indeed!</p>
+
+            <p>Though LEO seldom gushes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And these be of LEO's breed,</p>
+
+            <p>The blood of an Old Blue flushes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At the Young Blues' power and speed!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Coach them, or patronise them?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nay, I've no call for that.</p>
+
+            <p>To cheer them, not to advise them,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'm on this path,&mdash;that's pat!</p>
+
+            <p>Affection admiringly eyes them:&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Once in a boat I sat!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Pulled my weight at a pinch,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For odds cared never a "cuss;"</p>
+
+            <p>No stern-chase caused me to flinch,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But&mdash;always detested fuss.</p>
+
+            <p>Strain the last ounce, and inch!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Races are won, boys, <i>thus</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Look a most likely lot,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Lionlets lithe and young.</p>
+
+            <p>Pace? They will make it hot.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Few can have feathered and swung</p>
+
+            <p>Better. Tall talk is rot;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But, hang it! I <i>must</i> give
+            tongue!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Australia South" and "West,"</p>
+
+            <p>"Victoria,"&mdash;each one scales</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Good weight, and with girth of chest;</p>
+
+            <p>"New Zealand's" zeal prevails,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He'll swing in time with the rest.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The hero born of Thetis</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Had pluck enow. What then?</p>
+
+            <p>Each hero here, whose meat is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Hard steak and harder hen,"</p>
+
+            <p>As stalwart and as fleet is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As the Greek first of men!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Stroke" sets it long and steady;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>That</i> gladdens a true Old Blue.</p>
+
+            <p>There's nothing hot and heady</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In sturdy Number Two.</p>
+
+            <p>There are coxens sharp and ready</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the Land of the Kangaroo!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Go it, lads! Swing together!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Push elders from their stools?</p>
+
+            <p>Pooh! <i>I</i> shall moult no feather;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Old boys are not always old fools.</p>
+
+            <p>Out upon jealous blether!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You've learnt in the best of schools.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I want to see you win, lads;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Old LEO loves his cubs.</p>
+
+            <p>If cynics growl or grin, lads,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We'll drive them back to their tubs.</p>
+
+            <p>Do you think my blood's so thin, lads,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'd diet upon cold snubs?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The cynics think they're clever;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Beshrew their big bow-wow!</p>
+
+            <p>Boys, swing together ever,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Steady from stroke to bow;</p>
+
+            <p>One chain shall sever never&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The love-links round us now!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>WHAT'S IN A NAME?</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Will someone gifted with the <i>nous</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>Explain the "why" of Spinning House?</p>
+
+            <p>Is it to strike with wholesome fear</p>
+
+            <p>The thoughtless Maiden whose career</p>
+
+            <p>Looks like a sinning one?</p>
+
+            <p>And thus the Judge her conscience wakes,</p>
+
+            <p>Since he, when passing sentence, takes</p>
+
+            <p>Good care to name a <i>Spinning</i> one?</p>
+
+            <p>Or is it that in such a habitation,</p>
+
+            <p>Herself a spinster more at home might feel;</p>
+
+            <p>And in a Spinning House find occupation,</p>
+
+            <p>Provided with a decent spinning-wheel;</p>
+
+            <p>But there,&mdash;no matter whence it came,</p>
+
+            <p>Or what's the meaning hidden in its name,</p>
+
+            <p>About its destination there's no fear;</p>
+
+            <p>And judging from a noted recent case,</p>
+
+            <p>The Spinning House will,&mdash;it is pretty
+            clear,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Itself be soon sent spinning into space.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"Is a husband worth having?" asks <i>Woman</i>. One reply
+    would be, "Well, that depends on whose husband it is." But, by
+    the way, this view was not under consideration.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page127"
+       id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/127.png"
+             alt="'ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"</h3>BRITISH LION. "BRAVO,
+        BOYS!&mdash;SWING TOGETHER!!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page129"
+       id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span>
+
+    <h2>A WILD WELCOME.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>February's reign of gloom</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Out of mind and sight is,</p>
+
+            <p>Noonday darkness of the tomb,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Carbon and bronchitis.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Though the air is keen and chill,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cloudy though the skies are,</p>
+
+            <p>Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Free from smart our eyes are.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Bursting on the lengthening day</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bellows March the Viking,</p>
+
+            <p>"I have blown the fogs away;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is this to your liking?"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Sets the spirits bounding,</p>
+
+            <p>Like the Major's chartered steed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At the trumpet's sounding.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Welcome, roaring moon of dust,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Welcome, Spring's reviver;</p>
+
+            <p>On the race again we must</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Risk the wonted fiver;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Fields are showing brighter green,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Early buds are shooting;</p>
+
+            <p>On the early youth is seen</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The new season's suiting.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Long it is since sparrows shrill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With their chirping woke us;</p>
+
+            <p>There is one with busy bill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Worrying a crocus.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How they love the flow'r of spring&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Never can resist it;</p>
+
+            <p>What a graceful little thing&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bother, I have miss'd it!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now the wind along the plain</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Comes with roar and clatter&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>There, my hat is off again!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Let it go&mdash;no matter.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What am I, to say thee nay</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In thy rudest phases?</p>
+
+            <p>Blow my Sunday hat away.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Blow my hat to blazes.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis but little we can do</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For thy bounty's measure&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Sacrifice a hat or two?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Forty hats, with pleasure.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK.</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>From the Railway Improvement Phrase-Book.</i></h4>
+
+    <p>That Nursery-maid with the three children and the
+    perambulator will certainly get run over by the train if she
+    stands there gossiping with the man in the signal-box.</p>
+
+    <p>That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown
+    its rider this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing
+    engine.</p>
+
+    <p>So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the
+    Gardens, and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm
+    that has taken the contract for the making of the new line.</p>
+
+    <p>Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching
+    right across the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable
+    hatch-houses, puffing steam-cranes, and processions of
+    mud-carts, rather interfere with the beauty and tranquillity of
+    the place, but one must really bear in mind <i>that it is,
+    after all, only to last for live years.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under
+    that luggage-train.</p>
+
+    <p>It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget
+    the inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public
+    being able to get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for
+    twopence.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.&mdash;No man has a vote until he
+    has attained his majority. How about some districts where they
+    are nearly all Miners?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN&mdash;TO DINNER.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Dinner-Belle.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h4>No. II.&mdash;DON JUAN SENIOR.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To share with men the prandial gloom</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of union forced that fatal custom</p>
+
+            <p>Decrees to wither "youth and bloom,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(The phrase is from <i>Sohrab and
+            Rustum</i>)</p>
+
+            <p>I've suffered boredom to the full;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Professors dull&mdash;of Hindostani!</p>
+
+            <p>Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He wasn't dull&mdash;was Don
+            GIOVANNI.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A widower <i>fêted</i> far and wide,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The jauntiest Rake who drinks the
+            waters,</p>
+
+            <p>Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And terror of his decent daughters;</p>
+
+            <p><i>Old</i> Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Flirtations, free to fling his cash
+            on</p>
+
+            <p>The dining Duchess, "mould of form!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Antique, good-looking "glass of
+            fashion."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <div class="figright"
+                 style="width:33%;">
+                <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%"
+                     src="images/129.png"
+                     alt="" /></a>
+            </div>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He gossiped how the Viscount bets</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Some heiress he must really "pick
+            up"),</p>
+
+            <p>How noble dames smoke cigarettes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And noble heels in ballets kick up.</p>
+
+            <p>How "H.R.H."&mdash;<i>n'importe!</i> my friend</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Experience shows me that the
+            <i>laches</i></p>
+
+            <p>Of such as air these letters tend</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the direction of their "H"'s.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He chatted next of German Spas,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Continental, English "P.B.'s,"</p>
+
+            <p>And how our matchmaking Mammas</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes,</p>
+
+            <p>How he with Royalties had graced</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The latest function&mdash;genial
+            patrons&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Before the virtuous British matrons.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And then his compliments began</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To rain like drops of Frangipanni,</p>
+
+            <p>A most insinuating man</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI.</p>
+
+            <p>You felt, if you could half believe,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You'd but to word a whim to find it,</p>
+
+            <p>You quite forgot he owned a sleeve,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And several teeth to laugh behind it.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There may be kindness, lofty souls,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows
+            older,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Him</i> the Material controls:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He shrugs a sleek, good-natured
+            shoulder.</p>
+
+            <p>Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your choicest vintage passes; e'en
+            your</p>
+
+            <p>Supreme tobacco ends in smoke&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is
+    proposed to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England
+    and France.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SONGS BY A CYNIC.</h3>
+
+    <h4>LOVE.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What's Love, and all that Love can bring,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Youth's earliest illusion:</p>
+
+            <p>What tender words <i>she</i> used to sing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And blush with sweet confusion.</p>
+
+            <p>How you would hang upon each word,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When under spells of Cupid;</p>
+
+            <p>When half she said was most absurd,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And all extremely stupid.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You loved her for her hair of gold.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Unwitting that she dyed it;</p>
+
+            <p>She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though Time had never tried it.</p>
+
+            <p>Your worship came to such a pass,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That, when you calmly view it,</p>
+
+            <p>You feel you were an utter ass,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though then you never knew it.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What happened? Why, the usual thing:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">While round her you would linger,</p>
+
+            <p>Her love was fragile as the ring</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You bought to grace her finger.</p>
+
+            <p>She went off with another man,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And so you had to sever:</p>
+
+            <p>Thus women since the world began</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have done, and will do ever.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER.</h3>
+
+    <p>I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up
+    to a festival called "<i>The Coming Race</i>." I was there at
+    the opening on Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE,
+    attended by her husband, Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared
+    the Bazaar open. A gay and festive scene. Here, there, and
+    everywhere, Egyptian houses made of cardboard, containing
+    stalls full of the most useful articles imaginable. On the
+    daïs, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting purses
+    (containing £3 3<i>s.</i> and upwards) to the Princess, who
+    received them with an affability which won the hearts of all
+    beholders. On the floor of the building was a gaily-dressed
+    throng, which included many a distinguished person. The revelry
+    continued for three days, and was, I trust, the means of
+    obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt, is most
+    deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much
+    at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere
+    else.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>FÊTE OR FATE?</h3>
+
+    <h4>OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH.</h4>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Impressionist.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Lights and bouquets&mdash;flush and flare&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Motley medley&mdash;splash affair&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Deft disguises&mdash;flute and fife&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Half the world without his wife&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Dominos, and masks, and faces&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Graces three&mdash;and three Disgraces.</p>
+
+            <p>Jacks-in-boxes&mdash;tambour-majors&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Janes in office&mdash;ancient stagers&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>REYNOLDS' Duchess&mdash;Shepherdesses;</p>
+
+            <p>(Burlington) Arcadian tresses&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Primrose damsels,&mdash;clowns and
+            follies,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Organ-grinders&mdash;Flemish dollies&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Macaronis, rather muddy,</p>
+
+            <p>Of the central stud a study&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>England's mashers, Afric's dark sons&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>All costumes not apt the back to,</p>
+
+            <p>Some of them inclined to crack too&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Martyred revellers in upper</p>
+
+            <p>Rooms, and singing for their supper.</p>
+
+            <p>Bright confusion&mdash;many a mad hunt&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Five o'clock&mdash;<i>and wish I hadn't.</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH
+    CENTURY.&mdash;Revival of <i>Charles the First</i>!!! (at the
+    Lyceum).</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page130"
+       id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/130.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/130.png"
+             alt="Arthur Golfour." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. No. 2.&mdash;ARTHUR
+        GOLFOUR.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page131"
+       id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span>
+
+    <h3>MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"What are you doing, my pretty Maid?"</p>
+
+            <p>"I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said.</p>
+
+            <p>"May I question you, my pretty Maid?"</p>
+
+            <p>"Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said.</p>
+
+            <p>"Who is your father, my pretty Maid?"</p>
+
+            <p>"JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said.</p>
+
+            <p>"And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?"</p>
+
+            <p>"My race is my fortune, Sir," she said.</p>
+
+            <p>"Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!"</p>
+
+            <p>"Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.&mdash;<i>Mr. Punch</i>,
+    Perpetual Universal Grand Past, Present, and Future Master,
+    congratulates H.R.H., Grand Master of English Freemasons, on
+    his plucky and straightforward action with regard to the G.M.
+    of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, having contravened
+    the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878, may now exclaim,
+    in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some great
+    Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once
+    frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was
+    <i>not</i> Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>RECIPROCITY.&mdash;"MACE," in <i>The Illustrated London
+    News</i>, says, sweepingly:&mdash;"No Under-Secretary ever has
+    any opinion of his own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom
+    has any opinion of an Under-Secretary!</p>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/131-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/131-1.png"
+             alt="AMERICAN 'COPYRIGHT BILL.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART.</h3>
+
+        <h4>"DIE, VILLAIN!"</h4>"The extinction of literary piracy
+        in America has been decreed."&mdash;<i>Times Leader, March
+        5.</i>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 2.</i>&mdash;Navy
+    Estimates on to-night. Millions of money to be voted, and only
+    fourteen Members present. One, it is true, is HARCOURT; so
+    perhaps the most accurate enumeration of the aggregate would be
+    fifteen.</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Que diable allait-il faire dans ce</i> jolly-boat?"
+    GEORGE HAMILTON asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant
+    occupation of tearing up strips of paper to glance across table
+    at portly figure reclining on Front Opposition Bench. Several
+    Admirals and Captains have spoken. Members generally have fled
+    the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's sense of duty to his
+    Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; but CASABIANCA
+    HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the Old Salts
+    descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying
+    toleration with which he listens. Doesn't <i>say</i> they're
+    all wrong, but smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating
+    COLOMB falters when, glancing round the great gaps of empty
+    Benches opposite, his eye falls on HARCOURT.</p>
+
+    <p>"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had
+    contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed
+    since commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the
+    United Kingdom has increased only one-and-a-half times, while
+    that of the outlying Empire has multiplied five-fold."</p>
+
+    <p>General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every
+    department of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought
+    that at least he knew nothing about the Navy. But he does;
+    knows more than Admiral FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even
+    Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and delivered slashing speech,
+    laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as if he had been set up in
+    the Place Vendôme; reviewing the British Fleet in masterly
+    style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting Jerusalem
+    and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First Lord
+    of the Admiralty.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:19%;">
+        <a href="images/131-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/131-2.png"
+             alt="Kerans." /></a>Something more than his full
+             height.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more
+    than his full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I
+    ever heard, even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our
+    side. HOWORTH knows a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking
+    in accomplishment; but for versatility, for profundity of
+    knowledge, for readiness of grasp, whether the object be a
+    lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the Exchequer's ledger, the
+    hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship, give me
+    HARCOURT."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Committee on the Navy
+    Estimates.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about
+    the Fog? Couldn't something be done to lighten it, say by
+    appointment of Royal Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across
+    House upon his young friend with expression of almost paternal
+    solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the allied force. What did he
+    mean by suddenly springing this question on the First Lord of
+    the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye? Had it
+    something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the
+    Union?</p>
+
+    <p>CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring
+    straight into space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON,
+    with hat cunningly tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have
+    lain far in their pellucid depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly
+    absorbed in the brown gaiters he has recently added to the
+    graces of his personal appearance, in pathetic admission that
+    the natural charms of youth are at length fading.</p>
+
+    <p>Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the
+    Union really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden
+    behind the smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The
+    only thing to do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD
+    MORALITY, was to meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question,
+    plain enough as it appeared in print on the prosaic Orders,
+    was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers consider the advisability of
+    appointing a Royal Commission to examine and report how far the
+    evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by legislation?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to
+    assure my Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in
+    common with other inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely
+    sensible of the serious injury, disturbance, and hardship
+    inflicted by the increasing prevalence of fog. What, it may be
+    asked, is the cause of the London fog? These fogs, which occur
+    generally in the winter time, are occasioned thus: some current
+    of air, being suddenly cooled, descends into the warm streets,
+    forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the earth. But, my
+    Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every night? I
+    will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's
+    Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our
+    wish is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever
+    part of the House they sit. Fogs&mdash;this I have no
+    hesitation in stating&mdash;do not supervene without
+    intermission on successive nights, because the air will always
+    hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies
+    according to its temperature, and when the air is not
+    saturated, it may be cooled without parting with its vapour.
+    Yes, I know. My Right Hon. Friend, the Member
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page132"
+       id="page132"></a>[pg 132]</span> for West Birmingham, with
+       his usual acumen&mdash;which I am sure we all
+       recognise&mdash;asks me, In what circumstances do fogs occur
+       at night? I am much obliged to him for reminding me of the
+       point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has been saturated
+       with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it
+       deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form
+       known in rural districts&mdash;as my Hon. Friend, the Member
+       for the Bordesley Division, is well aware&mdash;as dew. In
+       the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog. This process of
+       deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the air for
+       holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing
+       night. I think I have now answered the question of my Noble
+       Friend fully, and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure,
+       upon consideration, see that this is not a matter with which
+       a Royal Commission could be expected successfully to cope,
+       and, therefore, I may add, Her Majesty's Government do not,
+       after full consideration of their duty to the QUEEN and
+       Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion thrown
+       out by my Noble Friend."</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/132-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/132-1.png"
+             alt="Bramston Beach." /></a>Feeling his Way through
+             the Fog.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study;
+    remained very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes
+    to eleven he thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's
+    meaning. "Yes," he added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling
+    my way through the fog."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution
+    negatived by 291 Votes against 189.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;In Lords to-night, three white
+    figures fluttered down gently on to red Benches, like virgin
+    flakes of snow. But, unlike snow, they didn't melt. On close
+    examination, turned out to be three new Bishops; two of them
+    old friends, with new titles.</p>
+
+    <p>"Like <i>Bottom</i>, translated," BRAMWELL growls.</p>
+
+    <p>Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back
+    Archbishop of York. The ceremony of their installation not
+    nearly so comic as that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter
+    King-at-Arms does not appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any
+    game of Follow-my-leader round the Benches.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says
+    has no strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would
+    never do. Must be careful with our Bishops."</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/132-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/132-2.png"
+             alt="The Inflammable Liquor Bill." /></a>The
+             Inflammable Liquor Bill.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the
+    LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal
+    Bench, folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent
+    an added air of peace and purity to the precincts.</p>
+
+    <p>DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had
+    promised to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill,
+    limiting duration of Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons,
+    whilst ATKINSON turned his attention to his Dowagers Bill.</p>
+
+    <p>"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes
+    thought an alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition
+    between two estates of the realm, might work great things. But
+    I'm beginning to lose confidence in him. At certain periods of
+    the lunar month he's too comprehensive in his legislative
+    ambition. Why wasn't he content with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why
+    drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers, dear TOBY, have, if I may
+    say so&mdash;using the phrase strictly in Parliamentary
+    sense&mdash;got their arms round the neck of my friend
+    ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think,
+    between us, we could have put things straight generally."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Navy Estimates in Commons.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;PHILIPPE EGALITÉ very rarely troubles
+    House with ordered speech. A good deal on his mind looking
+    after JACOBY, and keeping the Party straight. But his silence
+    doesn't arise from incapacity to speak. This shown to-night in
+    his speech on Railway Rates and Charges. Full of good matter,
+    admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK proposed to discuss
+    Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about it particularly.
+    So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the chief
+    <i>Business done</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A New Song to an Old Tune.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern
+            pate,</p>
+
+            <p>Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of
+            State,</p>
+
+            <p>Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old
+            rate,</p>
+
+            <p>With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his
+            gate;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor, all of
+            the modern time.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse
+            of time"</p>
+
+            <p>(He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more
+            sublime;</p>
+
+            <p>For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must
+            obey.</p>
+
+            <p>And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial
+            way,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Of this fine young German Emperor,
+            &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!)
+            "he'd not oppose."</p>
+
+            <p>Social reform or Education <i>he</i>'d not treat as
+            foes,</p>
+
+            <p>But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might
+            trip his toes,</p>
+
+            <p>And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it
+            (by the nose?),</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor,
+            &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Now surely this is better far than all the old
+            parade</p>
+
+            <p>Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade;</p>
+
+            <p>And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be
+            said,</p>
+
+            <p>Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow <i>he knows his
+            trade</i>,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Does this fine young German Emperor,
+            &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There were some who did not like it,&mdash;there are
+            always such, one knows,</p>
+
+            <p>Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style
+            oppose.</p>
+
+            <p>Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not
+            see</p>
+
+            <p>Laying down his long-held power, and submitting
+            tranquilly</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">To this fine young German Emperor,
+            &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>He</i> was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love
+            the plough,</p>
+
+            <p>So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact,
+            roused lots of row.</p>
+
+            <p>For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon
+            the shelf,</p>
+
+            <p>Found that long control of others did <i>not</i>
+            mean control of self,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6"><i>Or</i> this fine young German Emperor,
+            &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to
+            lead the dance,</p>
+
+            <p>Has a very trying <i>vis-à-vis</i>, that fractious
+            dame, <i>La France</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>To keep step with that lady, without treading on her
+            train,</p>
+
+            <p>Would tax Terpsichore herself; <i>he</i> finds the
+            effort vain;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Does this fine young German Emperor,
+            &amp;c.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish
+            task,</p>
+
+            <p>That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact
+            will task.</p>
+
+            <p>Let us wish him patriot wisdom, <i>and</i> respect
+            for Elder Fame,</p>
+
+            <p>And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a
+            noble name,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor, all of
+            the modern time!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A ROUGH CROSSING.</h3>
+
+    <p>That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling,
+    and his head covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just
+    returned from fighting the Dacoits in Upper Burmah?</p>
+
+    <p>I certainly <i>am</i> surprised when you inform me that he
+    has only tried to cross a London street in a fog.</p>
+
+    <p>Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just
+    thundered past at twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was
+    <i>not</i> a fire-engine, but only a covered Van?</p>
+
+    <p>Yes, I believe it <i>is</i> a fact that special beds in all
+    the Hospitals are now reserved for Van-victims.</p>
+
+    <p>Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to
+    the Rear; still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so
+    much like a highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your
+    life!"</p>
+
+    <p>If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van
+    will have to carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with
+    it.</p>
+
+    <p>What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting
+    angrily? Oh, I suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over
+    by the Coal-waggon and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is
+    remonstrating with the driver?</p>
+
+    <p>What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing
+    the old gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way?</p>
+
+    <p>I <i>have</i> heard that the Insurance Companies now insert
+    in their policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any
+    street in London, except under police escort.</p>
+
+    <p>And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down
+    in the streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time
+    that something were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in
+    his wild career?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100. March 14, 1891., by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1832 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100.
+March 14, 1891., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. March 14, 1891.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 15, 2004 [EBook #13186]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+March 14, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.
+
+NO. III.--THE BIOGRAPHER.
+
+We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take a
+further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, who
+has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of a
+suburban villa--let us say at Norwood. You are in your dining-room,
+examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather holds up, you
+will take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you
+are told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on
+particular business." The very word excites you, not unpleasantly,
+nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's business, or the District
+Board, or the County Council--it is enough that your experience and
+practical knowledge of affairs are in request--and, better still,
+it will give you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own
+importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, with
+red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in documents which he has
+brought with him in a black bag.
+
+[Illustration: "Your Visitor has his Note-book out."]
+
+"I _have_ the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I think?" he says.
+"Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself extremely fortunate
+in finding you at home, I assure you, and a very charming place
+you have here--abundant evidence of a refined and cultivated mind,
+excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I may
+say so, elegant in the extreme--as was to be expected! Even from the
+cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lend
+itself admirably to picturesque description--which brings me to the
+object of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope of
+eliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compiling--a
+work which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your
+wide culture and interest in literary matters." (_Here you will look
+as judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a
+new Encyclopaedia, or an illustrated edition of_ SHAKSPEARE's _works_.)
+"The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, _Notable Nonentities
+of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely,
+rather taken by the title._) "It will be published very shortly, by
+subscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up in
+the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted,
+and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is my
+ambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every living
+celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will
+be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely
+new process upon India and Japanese paper; everything--type, ink,
+paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers being
+determined to spare no expense in making it a book of reference
+superior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (_As he pauses
+fur breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a
+work, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing--but that, for
+your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting the
+Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you_--)
+
+"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I should
+not dream of expecting you to _subscribe_ to such a work. But, in
+my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone
+that care and research can effect to render the work complete--and
+it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to
+so distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("_Oh, pooh--nonsense!"
+You will say at this--but you will sit down again_) "Norwood is a
+singularly favoured locality. Sir; its charms have induced many of our
+foremost men to select it for their _rus in urbe_. Why, in this very
+road--May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with Alderman
+MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to furnish me with many
+interesting details of his personal career, a photo-gravured portrait
+of him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of
+'The Drudgeries,' and a bit from the back-garden." (_You do know_
+MINCING--_and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the absurd
+vanity of the man_--_a mere nobody, away from the City!_) "Between
+ourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed
+your expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted
+in allotting Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider
+himself entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable
+man, does _not_ appeal to the popular imagination as others I could
+mention do--he is just a _little_ commonplace!" ("_Shrewd follow,
+this!" you think to yourself--"Got_ MINCING's _measure!_") "But I
+should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now,
+would give me all the personal information you think proper to make
+public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and
+artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I
+do trust that you will see your way to--" (_At first, you suggest that
+you must talk it over with your Wife--but you presently see that if_
+MINCING _and men of that calibre are to be in this, you cannot, for
+your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor soon has his note-book
+out._) "Any remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE?
+A strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to black-beetles--both
+of which you still retain? Thank you, _very_ much. And you were
+educated? At Dulborough Grammar School? Just _so_! Never took to
+Latin, or learned Greek? Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves
+thus early--curious, _indeed_! Entered your father's office as
+clerk? Became a partner? Married your present lady--when? In 1860?
+Exactly!--and have offspring? Your subsequent life comparatively
+uneventful? That will do admirably--infinitely obliged to you, I am
+sure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy
+of the work, when issued, forwarded to you--we can do it for you at
+the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance--a gratifying
+possession for your children after you have gone, Mr. LANE! I _may_
+put you down? Thank you. For _two_ copies?" (_On second thoughts,
+you do order two copies; you can send one out to your married
+Sister in Australia_--_it will amuse her._) "One, two, three, four
+guineas--_quite_ correct, Mr. LANE, and you shall have an early
+opportunity of revising a proof, and we will send down a competent
+artist, in a day or two, to take the photographs. Quite an agreeable
+change in the weather, is it not? _Good_ day!"
+
+[Illustration: "You may have to wait."]
+
+He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer,
+and the appearance of that great work. _Notable Nonentities of
+Norwood_,--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait
+a considerable time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IAGO ON THE GREAT SERMON QUESTION.
+
+  Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public,
+  Is the immediate jewel of their souls.
+  Who steals my _sermon_, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
+  'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens;
+  But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist,
+  Robs me of that which is no good to him,
+  And leaves me poor--in credit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.--A new book of advice for intending
+Travellers has recently been published, entitled, "_Where to Stay_."
+It is both ornamental and useful; but so much depends on ways and
+means, that, after careful consideration, _Mr. Punch_, when asked
+"_Where to Stay_," considers the safest answer will always be, "_At
+home_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CHUCKED!"
+
+    ["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber having
+    yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, rejected a Bill
+    legalising the _pari mutuel_, and the Government having
+    pledged itself to enforce the law against gambling."--_Times
+    Paris Correspondent_.]
+
+_The Bookie_. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE
+LIKE 'OME!"]
+
+(_EXTRACT OF LETTER FROM_ DICKY DIDDLUM, _BOOKMAKER, PARIS, TO_
+BOUNDING BOB, _DITTO, NEWMARKET._)
+
+"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly _hup_ as the top of the
+Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after all. Thought we _had_
+taught 'em a bit about _Ler Sport_ by this time: but, bless yer, BOB,
+once a Pollyvoo, always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a
+'Oss, or knows 'ow to make a Book!
+
+"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County Councils,
+dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the Detective bizness in
+their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there won't be a safe look in for
+a party as wants to do a nice little flutter--unless, of course, he's
+a Stock-Exchange spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines.
+_Then_ he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses as much as
+he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French _Bourse_ 'ud get along
+without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss barney, as every man as _is_ a man
+finds the werry salt of life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin'
+played down too darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all?
+Why, 'No Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact
+size of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB!
+
+"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, fur as _I_
+see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a Republican, too, bless his boko!
+said as 'races were essential to 'orsebreeding, and that without
+betting there would be no races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.!
+And then they up and chuck hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no
+betting, no races; no racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's
+how it runs, BOB, or I'm a sossidge!
+
+"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for anythink. Look
+at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the Hempress! Why, if
+_we_ 'ad that duffer, DEROULEDE, on Newmarket 'Eath, we should just
+duck him in a 'orsepond, like a copped Welsher. Here they washup him,
+or else knuckle under to him, like a skeery Coster's missus when
+her old man's on the mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his
+bloomin' high-lows. _That's_ yer high-polite French Artists and brave
+booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah!
+
+"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. MOSSOO
+CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would be an end to
+bookmakers.' And it _was_ carried, by 340 mugs against 144 right 'uns.
+And arter all me and my sort has done for Parry! It's mean, that's
+wot it is, BOB. P'raps they'll chuck British _jockeys_ next! Much good
+their _Grong Pree_, ancetrer, will be _then_, my boy. _Our_ 'osses,
+_our_ jockeys, _and_ our bookies has bin the making of French
+Sport,--and werrv nice little pickings there's bin out of it take it
+all round. Wot'll _Ler Hig Life_, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots,
+and miles o' bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do
+for Parry without _hus_, I wonder? We shall _see_! Ah, Madame _lar
+Republick_, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your bullyin' jondarms,
+for chucking o' me afore you're through. As MAT MOPUS put it:--
+
+  It was all werry well to dissemble yer love,
+  But wy did yer kick me down-stairs?
+
+Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next week, BOB.
+Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, there's no place
+like 'ome! No!--
+
+  'Mid _Boises_ and Bullyvards tho' we may roam,
+  Be it hever so foggy, there's no place _like_ 'ome;
+  A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport there,
+  Wich, look where you will, isn't met with elsewhere.
+          'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome,
+  Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like 'ome!
+
+  A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main;
+  Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again;
+  The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl,
+  Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all.
+                 'Ome, 'ome,
+              Sweet, sweet 'ome,
+  With RAIKES[1], LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome.
+
+"Mean to sing _that_ at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But till then,
+Ta--ta!!"
+
+[Footnote 1: Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL
+SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegrams
+transmitted by the Post-office Department."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DESDEMONA TO THE AUTHOR OF "DORIAN GRAY."
+
+(_A PROPOS OF HIS PARAGRAPHIC PREFACE._)
+
+"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club corner.
+What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and foolish?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING IN A NAME.--A recent theatrical announcement informed us
+that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of a Mr. HENRY DAM.
+If successful, imagine the audience calling for the Author by name. If
+a triumph, the new dramatist will be known as "The big, big D."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY A TIRED AND CYNICAL CRITIC OF CURRENT FICTION.
+
+  A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen.
+  A School? What's really wanted is a Prison.
+  Life-long confinement far from pen and ink
+  _Might_ cure the crowd of fictionists, I _think_.
+  Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight,
+  Go teach the Novelist how _not_ to write!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ATHLETICS.--It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbid
+the popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon the ground that it
+may lead to shoplifting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.--_Lady B-ountiful_ first, at the Garrick,
+and _Lady B-arter_ at the Princess's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS.
+
+_Big Ben_. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! JUST LOOK AT YOU
+AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE _ALWAYS_ TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF,
+HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST
+FRIENDS FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I
+POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!"
+
+_Little Dick_ (_dreamily_). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE
+_NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FIRST ACT--AND THE LAST.
+
+(_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._)
+
+ACT I.--_The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction
+Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and
+Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Charts
+cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery
+used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the
+Authorities, are scattered about in every direction._ TOMMY ATKINS
+_is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very
+lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture._
+
+_Military Instructor_ (_who has been for an hour and a half explaining
+the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approaching
+the end of his subject_). Well, as I have fully explained before, but
+may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you
+will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened
+in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath,
+and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a
+small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while
+the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases
+or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the
+locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-four
+different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retain
+their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not
+forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot,
+and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and
+.116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that,
+if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you will
+practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should be
+thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which,
+properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. I
+think I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewes
+system is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500
+yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark,
+I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (_gives him
+one_), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in the
+heat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured
+to impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head
+cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have made
+myself pretty clear?
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me?
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will
+find it, what they assure me it is,--a most serviceable weapon.
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_saluting_). 'Ees, Sir!
+
+    [_Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends._
+
+ACT II.--_The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight)
+in the immediate neighbourhood of London._ TOMMY ATKINS _and the_
+Military Instructor _discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of
+the slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the
+Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding
+that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few
+of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided
+for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a
+Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge
+for the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of
+pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury_, Mr. STANHOPE
+_is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London
+capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on
+by the_ LORD MAYOR, _in the Bank of England._
+
+_Military Instructor_ (_sitting up and rubbing his eyes_). Dear me!
+we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all.
+(_Recognising him._) Halloa, ATKINS!
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. You remember all I told you?
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). 'Ees, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable
+weapon, after all!
+
+_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir!
+
+_Military Instructor_. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this!
+By Jove! it looks like the last Act!
+
+    [_Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the
+    Battle-field, the_ Military Instructor _threatening to write
+    to the "Times," and_ TOMMY ATKINS _still grinning as Curtain
+    falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sylvanus_. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE
+MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!"
+
+_Urbanus_. "OH--ER--YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.
+
+    ["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for ----, feel
+    that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side
+    in a Division?"--_Evening Paper_.]
+
+    SCENE--_A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered apparently dying
+    in the hour of victory._
+
+_Faithful Aide-de-Camp_. The enemy run, Sir! We have beaten them off
+on every side!
+
+_Colonel_ (_faintly_). That is well! (_with a sigh_) and yet my heart
+is heavy within me! Believe me, SMITH, I cannot die easily.
+
+_F.A.-de-C._ And yet the vacancy thus created would be found a
+stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, Sir?
+
+_Col. X._ I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a politician the idea
+is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had always done my duty in
+the House of Commons! But no, with a view to obtaining this command,
+I voted against my convictions! I supported the Government in their
+proposal to tax perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I
+was weak and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could
+live to repair the past.
+
+_Opposition Whip_ (_suddenly springing up from behind a limber a la_
+HAWKSHAW _the Detective_). It is _not_ too late! Return with me to
+Westminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! With
+a special train we shall be in time! You can yet record your vote!
+
+_Col. X._ (_suddenly reviving_). Say you so? Then I _will_ recover! I
+_will_ do my duty!
+
+    [_Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put permanently
+    on the shelf, from a military point of view!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in _Scribner_, for March, is
+interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to be a charming
+people; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they can
+be divorced for being talkative.
+
+_A propos_ of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA JOKO's capital
+illustrations of Hospital Nursing in _The English Illustrated
+Magazine_, the Matron's room must be "an illigant place, intoirely";
+while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a patient a
+cup of ink by mistake for liquorice-water isn't a real good practical
+side-splitter, the Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we
+come upon a delightful little picture of "_The Pet of the Hospital_";
+and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing Sister
+it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does she marry a
+"Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she must be a "great
+attraction," and if anything were to happen to the Baron, and he
+couldn't be removed to his own palatial residence, he would say, "Put
+me in a cab, drive me to the Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty
+Pet's Ward."
+
+The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY McCARTHY's
+"Pages on Plays" in _The Gentleman's Magazine_. JUSTIN HUNTLY
+expresses his opinion that "_The Dancing Girl_ will almost certainly
+be the play of the season; it will probably be the principal play of
+the year." "Almost certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The
+Baron backs _The Idler_ against _The Dancing Girl_ for a run. In the
+same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short story,
+called _Sally_, material that would have served some authors for a
+three-volume novel.
+
+It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on any one
+point with the Author of _Essays in Little_, and in proportion to
+the number of the points so is the Baron's pleasure intensified. Most
+intending readers of these Essays, on taking up the book, would be
+less curious to ascertain what ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER
+and the study of Greek, about THEODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES
+BAYLEY, the Sagas, and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions
+on DICKENS and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more
+popular. The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays
+of ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on any
+account, omit the delightfully written and truly appreciative article
+on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you please, but finish with "_the
+last fashionable novel_," wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest
+mood, treats us to an excellent parody.
+
+The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this Extra-Ordinary
+Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the discharge of his duties
+by reading _Monte Carlo, and How to Do It_, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and
+G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following
+terms to his loved Chief:--This book achieves the task of combining
+extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid
+dulness--not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of low slang
+and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume themselves on their
+marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, which, with their usual
+sprightly facetiousness, they call "Charley's Mount." They are good
+enough to tell such of the travelling public as may want to get there,
+that the train leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35.
+Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the steamer
+(Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, where there
+is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead of going by the
+_Ceinture_, they drove across Paris. The greenhorns arrive at Monte
+Carlo, and then settle on their quarters. Anyone but an idiot would
+have settled all this, and much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly
+greenhorn, who wishes us to think that "_il connait son Paris_," talks
+of "suppers of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish),
+and informs us that, "at the Hotel de l'Athenee, the staff esteem it
+rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, to grin
+and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and swearing British
+greenhorn! now I know why the French so greatly love our countrymen.
+But why, oh why do you imagine that you have discovered Monte Carlo?
+For the details of the journey, and the instructions to future
+explorers, are set out with a painful minuteness which not even
+STANLEY could rival. As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned,
+picturesque Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from
+the glare and noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it
+scornfully, as having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center
+want? He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who
+are "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The
+Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the French soldier
+that "the short service forty-eight-day men don't have a very
+unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for you, there's elegance!
+Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically eloquent on the subject of
+fleas, throws in such lucid expressions as "chin music," "gives him
+biff," "his craft is thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and
+his fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most foolish
+greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can imagine
+the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, blatant,
+gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as sportsmen,
+and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the Baron to his
+Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with his signature,
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE IBSENITY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Dear EDITOR,--Noticing that the author of _The Doll's House_ was to
+have another morning, or, to use an equally suitable epithet, mourning
+performance devoted to his works, I made up my mind, after bracing
+up my nerves, to attend it. The 23rd of February (the date of the
+proposed function) as the second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too,
+distinctly appropriate. By attending the performance--IBSEN recommends
+self-execution--I sentenced myself to three hours and a half of
+boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot help feeling that whatever
+my past may have been, the penance paid to wipe it out was excessive,
+and therefore rendered it unnecessary that I should attend a second
+performance announced for last week.
+
+_Rosmershoelm_ is in four Acts and one Scene--a room in _Rosmer's_
+House. Act I. _Rector Kroll_, who is the brother-in-law of _Pastor
+Rosmer_, calls upon the latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the
+Conservative interest. _Kroll_ (who, by the way, is a married man)
+before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild flirtation
+with _Rebecca West_, a female of a certain age, who has taken up her
+abode for some years in the Rector's house. And here I may observe
+that the Rector's housekeeper, _Madame Helseth_, presumably a highly
+respectable person, although she has excellent reasons, from the
+first, for believing that the relations between her Master and
+_Rebecca_ are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic arrangements of
+the Rosmer _menage_ with hearty acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm.
+_Rosmer_ interrupts the Rector's _tete-a-tete_ with the fascinating
+_Rebecca_, and declines the proffered editorship, because he is a
+Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,--no action to speak of, but
+a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we learn that the late _Mrs.
+Rosmer_ has committed suicide, because she was informed that the
+apostate Pastor could only save his villainy from exposure by giving
+immediately the position of wife to her friend _Rebecca_. She has had
+this tip on the most reliable authority,--it has been furnished by
+_Rebecca_ herself. Then the Pastor asks _Rebecca_ to marry him, but
+is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it be that she has tired
+of her guilty passion. In Act III. _Rebecca_ admits to the widower and
+his brother-in-law that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares
+to decamp. In the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has
+been in love with _Rebecca_ from the first, loves her now, but is not
+sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this point, will
+she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as to jump into the
+mill-stream, and drown herself? With pleasure--and she takes a header!
+He explains that courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and
+follows her example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily!
+
+And this is the plot! And what about the characters? _Rebecca_ is
+merely a hysterical old maid, who would have been set right, in
+the time of the Tudors, with a sound ducking; and nowadays, had
+she consulted a fashionable physician, she would have been probably
+ordered a sea-voyage, and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is
+a feeble, fickle fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in
+his life. He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that
+she married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an
+entirely convincing nature. The _Rector Kroll_ is a prig and a bore
+of the first water. When he discovers _Rebecca's_ perfidy, he suggests
+that she may have inherited her proneness for treachery from her
+father--and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the name of a
+gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a parent! The best line
+in the piece, to my mind--and it certainly "went with a roar"--is a
+question of the housekeeper--answered in the negative--"Have you ever
+seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! Pretentious
+twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it less idiotic. And
+_so_ dull!
+
+As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I dislike
+undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my opinion is
+shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic of _Truth_, wrote
+last week--"The few independent persons who have sat out a play by
+IBSEN, be it _The Doll's House_, or _The Pillars of Society_, or
+_Rosmershoelm_, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff before the
+playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, remove your _claque_,
+exhaust your attendance of the socialist and the sexless, and then see
+where your IBSEN will be.' I have never known an audience that cared
+to pay to be bored, and the over-vaunted _Rosmershoelm_ bored even the
+Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their martyrdom!
+I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have never seen a
+dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I wish I could say as
+much, and I shall be surprised if you do not appreciate the feeling,
+after you too have partaken of this truly Lenten fare. Yours
+sincerely,
+
+ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN--AT A DISTANCE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRIKING TIMES.
+
+NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD.
+
+(_BY A LABOURING ELECTOR._)
+
+  Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to my song.
+  The times should much amuse you; you are up, and going strong.
+  The Working Men of England at length begin to see
+  That _their_ parsnips for to butter now the Parties all agree.
+
+    _Chorus._
+
+  _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way,_
+  _And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter every day!_
+
+  This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it strikes me so.
+  Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must go.
+  NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an artful plan;
+  But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY MANN!
+
+    _Chorus_--It's high time, &c.
+
+  It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and M.P.'s,
+  Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we darn please.
+  Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his neighbour;
+  Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they _all_ love _Labour_!
+
+    _Chorus_--It's high time, &c.
+
+  There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he _looks_ as hard as nails,
+  But when he wants to butter _us_, the Dorset never fails;
+  He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and messy.
+  He _couldn't_ flummerify us more were each of us a JESSE!
+
+    _Chorus_--It's high time, &c.
+
+  Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; _his_ treacle's pretty thick;
+  _He_ gives the Tories the straight tip,--and don't they take it--quick?
+  And now, by Jove, it's comical!--where _will_ the fashion end?--
+  There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine Labourer's Friend!
+
+    _Chorus_--It's high time, &c.
+
+  Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's drawing nigh,
+  And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll _promise_ for to try.
+  They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty Labouring Host,
+  Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have you all on toast!
+
+    _Chorus._
+
+  _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way._
+  _They'll strain their throats,--you mind your votes, and you may find it pay!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILDE FLOWERS.
+
+Some other fellow, in the _P.M.G._, has been beforehand with us in
+spotting "A Preface to _Dorian Gray_," by our OSCAR WILDE-r than
+ever, in this month's _Fortnightly. Dorian Gray_ was published some
+considerable time ago, so it belongs to ancient history, and now,
+after this lapse of time, out comes the preface. And this "preface"
+occupies the better part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of
+two pages; which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows
+of bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant aphorisms.
+The rule of the arrangement seems to be.--"when in doubt, plant
+asterisks." _Sic itur ad astra._ The garden is open to all, let us
+cull; here one and there one. "_To reveal Art and conceal the Artist,
+is Art's aim._" Is there not in this the scent of "_Ars est celare
+artem_"? "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "_Puris omnia
+pura_" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if I mistake
+not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to the stalk of
+another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to "adapt" Scripture to
+one's purpose is not to quote it. _Vade retro!_ Do we not recognise
+something familiar in "_When Critics disagree the Artist is in accord
+with himself?_"
+
+But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is over, then
+arises the despairing cry of our own cherished OSCAR. It is in the
+_Last of the Aphorisms_; after which, exhausted, he can only sign his
+name, fling away the goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious
+arm-chair exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into
+the work of one short hour. Ah! "_La plupart des livres d'a present
+ont l'air d'avoir ete faits en un jour avec des livres lus de la
+veille._" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, RIVAROL, and JEAN
+MORLE. "_Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!_ Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let
+us be natural, or shut up shop. Yet there is a chance,--to be
+supernatural. The great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among
+the gods, open to any aspirant for immortality. "_All Art is quite
+useless!_" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? "Is this
+the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word--for the present. Pan is dead!
+_Vive_ Pannikin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CES AUTRES."
+
+(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.)
+
+_Captain Bergamot_. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN THE SERVICE, MISS DE
+BULLION?"
+
+_Miss de Bullion_. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, AND--A--" (_with
+disgust_)--"THE REST IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"
+
+A SONG OF SYMPATHY.
+
+(_SOME WAY AFTER A CELEBRATED BOATING SONG._)
+
+    ["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the Colonies
+    continued separate they must become hostile communities,
+    and, in order that they might prevent that, it was for
+    the whole people to join in creating one great Union
+    Government."--REUTER.]
+
+Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, _an Old Blue, and a sympathetic on-looker,
+loquitur_:--
+
+  Capital boating weather!
+    Ay, and a favouring breeze!
+  Oars upon the feather!
+    Sun of the Southern Seas!
+  Brave boys! Swing together,
+    Your bodies between your knees!
+
+  Pheugh! How old memory rushes
+    Over me!--Pulled indeed!
+  Though LEO seldom gushes,
+    And these be of LEO's breed,
+  The blood of an Old Blue flushes
+    At the Young Blues' power and speed!
+
+  Coach them, or patronise them?
+    Nay, I've no call for that.
+  To cheer them, not to advise them,
+    I'm on this path,--that's pat!
+  Affection admiringly eyes them:--
+    Once in a boat I sat!
+
+  Pulled my weight at a pinch,
+    For odds cared never a "cuss;"
+  No stern-chase caused me to flinch,
+    But--always detested fuss.
+  Strain the last ounce, and inch!
+    Races are won, boys, _thus_!
+
+  Look a most likely lot,
+    Lionlets lithe and young.
+  Pace? They will make it hot.
+    Few can have feathered and swung
+  Better. Tall talk is rot;
+    But, hang it! I _must_ give tongue!
+
+  There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales,"
+    "Australia South" and "West,"
+  "Victoria,"--each one scales
+    Good weight, and with girth of chest;
+  "New Zealand's" zeal prevails,
+    He'll swing in time with the rest.
+
+  The hero born of Thetis
+    Had pluck enow. What then?
+  Each hero here, whose meat is
+    "Hard steak and harder hen,"
+  As stalwart and as fleet is
+    As the Greek first of men!
+
+  "Stroke" sets it long and steady;
+    _That_ gladdens a true Old Blue.
+  There's nothing hot and heady
+    In sturdy Number Two.
+  There are coxens sharp and ready
+    In the Land of the Kangaroo!
+
+  Go it, lads! Swing together!
+    Push elders from their stools?
+  Pooh! _I_ shall moult no feather;
+    Old boys are not always old fools.
+  Out upon jealous blether!
+    You've learnt in the best of schools.
+
+  I want to see you win, lads;
+    Old LEO loves his cubs.
+  If cynics growl or grin, lads,
+    We'll drive them back to their tubs.
+  Do you think my blood's so thin, lads,
+    I'd diet upon cold snubs?
+
+  The cynics think they're clever;
+    Beshrew their big bow-wow!
+  Boys, swing together ever,
+    Steady from stroke to bow;
+  One chain shall sever never--
+    The love-links round us now!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT'S IN A NAME?
+
+  Will someone gifted with the _nous_,
+  Explain the "why" of Spinning House?
+  Is it to strike with wholesome fear
+  The thoughtless Maiden whose career
+  Looks like a sinning one?
+  And thus the Judge her conscience wakes,
+  Since he, when passing sentence, takes
+  Good care to name a _Spinning_ one?
+  Or is it that in such a habitation,
+  Herself a spinster more at home might feel;
+  And in a Spinning House find occupation,
+  Provided with a decent spinning-wheel;
+  But there,--no matter whence it came,
+  Or what's the meaning hidden in its name,
+  About its destination there's no fear;
+  And judging from a noted recent case,
+  The Spinning House will,--it is pretty clear,--
+  Itself be soon sent spinning into space.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Is a husband worth having?" asks _Woman_. One reply would be, "Well,
+that depends on whose husband it is." But, by the way, this view was
+not under consideration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"
+
+BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, BOYS!--SWING TOGETHER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WILD WELCOME.
+
+  February's reign of gloom
+    Out of mind and sight is,
+  Noonday darkness of the tomb,
+    Carbon and bronchitis.
+
+  Though the air is keen and chill,
+    Cloudy though the skies are,
+  Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill,
+    Free from smart our eyes are.
+
+  Bursting on the lengthening day
+    Bellows March the Viking,
+  "I have blown the fogs away;
+    Is this to your liking?"
+
+  Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead
+    Sets the spirits bounding,
+  Like the Major's chartered steed
+    At the trumpet's sounding.
+
+  Welcome, roaring moon of dust,
+    Welcome, Spring's reviver;
+  On the race again we must
+    Risk the wonted fiver;
+
+  Fields are showing brighter green,
+    Early buds are shooting;
+  On the early youth is seen
+    The new season's suiting.
+
+  Long it is since sparrows shrill
+    With their chirping woke us;
+  There is one with busy bill
+    Worrying a crocus.
+
+  How they love the flow'r of spring--
+    Never can resist it;
+  What a graceful little thing--
+    Bother, I have miss'd it!
+
+  Now the wind along the plain
+    Comes with roar and clatter--
+  There, my hat is off again!
+    Let it go--no matter.
+
+  What am I, to say thee nay
+    In thy rudest phases?
+  Blow my Sunday hat away.
+    Blow my hat to blazes.
+
+  'Tis but little we can do
+    For thy bounty's measure--
+  Sacrifice a hat or two?
+    Forty hats, with pleasure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK.
+
+_FROM THE RAILWAY IMPROVEMENT PHRASE-BOOK._
+
+That Nursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator will
+certainly get run over by the train if she stands there gossiping with
+the man in the signal-box.
+
+That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown its rider
+this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing engine.
+
+So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens,
+and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken the
+contract for the making of the new line.
+
+Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right across
+the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable hatch-houses, puffing
+steam-cranes, and processions of mud-carts, rather interfere with the
+beauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bear in mind
+_that it is, after all, only to last for live years._
+
+Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under that
+luggage-train.
+
+It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget the
+inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public being able to
+get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for twopence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.--No man has a vote until he has attained his
+majority. How about some districts where they are nearly all Miners?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER.
+
+(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._)
+
+NO. II.--DON JUAN SENIOR.
+
+  To share with men the prandial gloom
+    Of union forced that fatal custom
+  Decrees to wither "youth and bloom,"
+    (The phrase is from _Sohrab and Rustum_)
+  I've suffered boredom to the full;
+    Professors dull--of Hindostani!
+  Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull--
+    He wasn't dull--was Don GIOVANNI.
+
+  A widower _feted_ far and wide,
+    The jauntiest Rake who drinks the waters,
+  Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride
+    And terror of his decent daughters;
+  _Old_ Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm
+    Flirtations, free to fling his cash on
+  The dining Duchess, "mould of form!"
+    Antique, good-looking "glass of fashion."
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He gossiped how the Viscount bets
+    (Some heiress he must really "pick up"),
+  How noble dames smoke cigarettes
+    And noble heels in ballets kick up.
+  How "H.R.H."--_n'importe!_ my friend
+    Experience shows me that the _laches_
+  Of such as air these letters tend
+    In the direction of their "H"'s.
+
+  He chatted next of German Spas,
+    Of Continental, English "P.B.'s,"
+  And how our matchmaking Mammas
+    Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes,
+  How he with Royalties had graced
+    The latest function--genial patrons--
+  While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced
+    Before the virtuous British matrons.
+
+  And then his compliments began
+    To rain like drops of Frangipanni,
+  A most insinuating man
+    He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI.
+  You felt, if you could half believe,
+    You'd but to word a whim to find it,
+  You quite forgot he owned a sleeve,
+    And several teeth to laugh behind it.
+
+  There may be kindness, lofty souls,
+    Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows older,
+  _Him_ the Material controls:
+    He shrugs a sleek, good-natured shoulder.
+  Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke;
+    Your choicest vintage passes; e'en your
+  Supreme tobacco ends in smoke--
+    And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is proposed
+to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England and France.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS BY A CYNIC.
+
+LOVE.
+
+  What's Love, and all that Love can bring,
+    Youth's earliest illusion:
+  What tender words _she_ used to sing,
+    And blush with sweet confusion.
+  How you would hang upon each word,
+    When under spells of Cupid;
+  When half she said was most absurd,
+    And all extremely stupid.
+
+  You loved her for her hair of gold.
+    Unwitting that she dyed it;
+  She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold,
+    Though Time had never tried it.
+  Your worship came to such a pass,
+    That, when you calmly view it,
+  You feel you were an utter ass,
+    Though then you never knew it.
+
+  What happened? Why, the usual thing:
+    While round her you would linger,
+  Her love was fragile as the ring
+    You bought to grace her finger.
+  She went off with another man,
+    And so you had to sever:
+  Thus women since the world began
+    Have done, and will do ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER.
+
+I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up to a
+festival called "_The Coming Race_." I was there at the opening on
+Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, attended by her husband,
+Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared the Bazaar open. A gay and
+festive scene. Here, there, and everywhere, Egyptian houses made
+of cardboard, containing stalls full of the most useful articles
+imaginable. On the dais, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting
+purses (containing L3 3s. and upwards) to the Princess, who received
+them with an affability which won the hearts of all beholders. On the
+floor of the building was a gaily-dressed throng, which included many
+a distinguished person. The revelry continued for three days, and was,
+I trust, the means of obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt,
+is most deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much
+at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere else.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FETE OR FATE?
+
+OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN IMPRESSIONIST._)
+
+  Lights and bouquets--flush and flare--
+  Motley medley--splash affair--
+  Deft disguises--flute and fife--
+  Half the world without his wife--
+  Dominos, and masks, and faces--
+  Graces three--and three Disgraces.
+  Jacks-in-boxes--tambour-majors--
+  Janes in office--ancient stagers--
+  REYNOLDS' Duchess--Shepherdesses;
+  (Burlington) Arcadian tresses--
+  Primrose damsels,--clowns and follies,--
+  Organ-grinders--Flemish dollies--
+  Macaronis, rather muddy,
+  Of the central stud a study--
+  England's mashers, Afric's dark sons--
+  NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's--
+  All costumes not apt the back to,
+  Some of them inclined to crack too--
+  Martyred revellers in upper
+  Rooms, and singing for their supper.
+  Bright confusion--many a mad hunt--
+  Five o'clock--_and wish I hadn't._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.--Revival of _Charles
+the First_!!! (at the Lyceum).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. NO. 2.--ARTHUR GOLFOUR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA.
+
+  "What are you doing, my pretty Maid?"
+  "I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said.
+  "May I question you, my pretty Maid?"
+  "Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said.
+  "Who is your father, my pretty Maid?"
+  "JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said.
+  "And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?"
+  "My race is my fortune, Sir," she said.
+  "Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!"
+  "Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.--_Mr. Punch_, Perpetual Universal
+Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, congratulates H.R.H., Grand
+Master of English Freemasons, on his plucky and straightforward action
+with regard to the G.M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who,
+having contravened the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878,
+may now exclaim, in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some
+great Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once
+frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was _not_
+Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECIPROCITY.--"MACE," in _The Illustrated London News_, says,
+sweepingly:--"No Under-Secretary ever has any opinion of his
+own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom has any opinion of an
+Under-Secretary!
+
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART.
+
+"DIE, VILLAIN!"
+
+"The extinction of literary piracy in America has been
+decreed."--_Times Leader, March 5._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--Navy Estimates on to-night.
+Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One,
+it is true, is HARCOURT; so perhaps the most accurate enumeration of
+the aggregate would be fifteen.
+
+"_Que diable allait-il faire dans ce_ jolly-boat?" GEORGE HAMILTON
+asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant occupation of tearing up
+strips of paper to glance across table at portly figure reclining on
+Front Opposition Bench. Several Admirals and Captains have spoken.
+Members generally have fled the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's
+sense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight;
+but CASABIANCA HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the
+Old Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying
+toleration with which he listens. Doesn't _say_ they're all wrong, but
+smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating COLOMB falters when,
+glancing round the great gaps of empty Benches opposite, his eye falls
+on HARCOURT.
+
+"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had
+contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed since
+commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the United Kingdom
+has increased only one-and-a-half times, while that of the outlying
+Empire has multiplied five-fold."
+
+General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every department
+of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought that at least he
+knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than Admiral
+FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and
+delivered slashing speech, laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as
+if he had been set up in the Place Vendome; reviewing the British
+Fleet in masterly style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting
+Jerusalem and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First
+Lord of the Admiralty.
+
+[Illustration: Something more than his full height.]
+
+"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more than his
+full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I ever heard,
+even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our side. HOWORTH knows
+a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking in accomplishment; but
+for versatility, for profundity of knowledge, for readiness of
+grasp, whether the object be a lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the
+Exchequer's ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship,
+give me HARCOURT."
+
+_Business done_.--Committee on the Navy Estimates.
+
+_Tuesday_.--WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about the Fog? Couldn't
+something be done to lighten it, say by appointment of Royal
+Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across House upon his young friend
+with expression of almost paternal solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the
+allied force. What did he mean by suddenly springing this question on
+the First Lord of the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye?
+Had it something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the
+Union?
+
+CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring straight into
+space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, with hat cunningly
+tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have lain far in their pellucid
+depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly absorbed in the brown gaiters
+he has recently added to the graces of his personal appearance, in
+pathetic admission that the natural charms of youth are at length
+fading.
+
+Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the Union
+really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden behind the
+smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The only thing to
+do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD MORALITY, was to
+meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, plain enough as it appeared
+in print on the prosaic Orders, was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers
+consider the advisability of appointing a Royal Commission to examine
+and report how far the evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by
+legislation?"
+
+"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to assure my
+Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in common with other
+inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely sensible of the serious
+injury, disturbance, and hardship inflicted by the increasing
+prevalence of fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause of the London
+fog? These fogs, which occur generally in the winter time, are
+occasioned thus: some current of air, being suddenly cooled, descends
+into the warm streets, forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the
+earth. But, my Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every
+night? I will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's
+Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our wish
+is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the
+House they sit. Fogs--this I have no hesitation in stating--do not
+supervene without intermission on successive nights, because the air
+will always hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies
+according to its temperature, and when the air is not saturated,
+it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. Yes, I know.
+My Right Hon. Friend, the Member for West Birmingham, with his
+usual acumen--which I am sure we all recognise--asks me, In what
+circumstances do fogs occur at night? I am much obliged to him for
+reminding me of the point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has
+been saturated with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it
+deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form known in rural
+districts--as my Hon. Friend, the Member for the Bordesley Division,
+is well aware--as dew. In the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog.
+This process of deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the
+air for holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing night.
+I think I have now answered the question of my Noble Friend fully,
+and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, upon consideration,
+see that this is not a matter with which a Royal Commission could
+be expected successfully to cope, and, therefore, I may add, Her
+Majesty's Government do not, after full consideration of their duty
+to the QUEEN and Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion
+thrown out by my Noble Friend."
+
+[Illustration: Feeling his Way through the Fog.]
+
+BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; remained
+very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes to eleven he
+thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's meaning. "Yes," he
+added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling my way through the fog."
+
+_Business done_.--STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution negatived by 291
+Votes against 189.
+
+_Thursday_.--In Lords to-night, three white figures fluttered down
+gently on to red Benches, like virgin flakes of snow. But, unlike
+snow, they didn't melt. On close examination, turned out to be three
+new Bishops; two of them old friends, with new titles.
+
+"Like _Bottom_, translated," BRAMWELL growls.
+
+Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back Archbishop
+of York. The ceremony of their installation not nearly so comic as
+that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter King-at-Arms does not
+appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any game of Follow-my-leader round
+the Benches.
+
+"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says has no
+strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would never do. Must be
+careful with our Bishops."
+
+[Illustration: The Inflammable Liquor Bill.]
+
+So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the
+LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal Bench,
+folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent an added air
+of peace and purity to the precincts.
+
+DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had promised
+to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill, limiting duration of
+Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons, whilst ATKINSON turned his
+attention to his Dowagers Bill.
+
+"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes thought an
+alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition between two estates
+of the realm, might work great things. But I'm beginning to lose
+confidence in him. At certain periods of the lunar month he's too
+comprehensive in his legislative ambition. Why wasn't he content
+with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers,
+dear TOBY, have, if I may say so--using the phrase strictly in
+Parliamentary sense--got their arms round the neck of my friend
+ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, between
+us, we could have put things straight generally."
+
+_Business done_.--Navy Estimates in Commons.
+
+_Friday_.--PHILIPPE EGALITE very rarely troubles House with ordered
+speech. A good deal on his mind looking after JACOBY, and keeping
+the Party straight. But his silence doesn't arise from incapacity to
+speak. This shown to-night in his speech on Railway Rates and Charges.
+Full of good matter, admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK
+proposed to discuss Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about
+it particularly. So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the
+chief _Business done_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR.
+
+(_A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE._)
+
+  I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern pate,
+  Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of State,
+  Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old rate,
+  With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his gate;
+        This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time.
+
+  His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse of time"
+  (He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more sublime;
+  For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must obey.
+  And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial way,
+        Of this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) "he'd not oppose."
+  Social reform or Education _he_'d not treat as foes,
+  But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might trip his toes,
+  And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it (by the nose?),
+        This fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  Now surely this is better far than all the old parade
+  Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade;
+  And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be said,
+  Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow _he knows his trade_,
+        Does this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  There were some who did not like it,--there are always such, one knows,
+  Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style oppose.
+  Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not see
+  Laying down his long-held power, and submitting tranquilly
+        To this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  _He_ was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love the plough,
+  So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, roused lots of row.
+  For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon the shelf,
+  Found that long control of others did _not_ mean control of self,
+        _Or_ this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to lead the dance,
+  Has a very trying _vis-a-vis_, that fractious dame, _La France_,
+  To keep step with that lady, without treading on her train,
+  Would tax Terpsichore herself; _he_ finds the effort vain;
+        Does this fine young German Emperor, &c.
+
+  So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish task,
+  That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact will task.
+  Let us wish him patriot wisdom, _and_ respect for Elder Fame,
+  And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a noble name,
+        This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A ROUGH CROSSING.
+
+That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, and his head
+covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just returned from fighting the
+Dacoits in Upper Burmah?
+
+I certainly _am_ surprised when you inform me that he has only tried
+to cross a London street in a fog.
+
+Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just thundered past at
+twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was _not_ a fire-engine, but only a
+covered Van?
+
+Yes, I believe it _is_ a fact that special beds in all the Hospitals
+are now reserved for Van-victims.
+
+Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to the Rear;
+still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so much like a
+highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your life!"
+
+If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van will have to
+carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with it.
+
+What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting angrily? Oh, I
+suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over by the Coal-waggon
+and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is remonstrating with the
+driver?
+
+What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing the old
+gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way?
+
+I _have_ heard that the Insurance Companies now insert in their
+policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any street in London,
+except under police escort.
+
+And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down in the
+streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time that something
+were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in his wild career?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100. March 14, 1891., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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