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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13186-0.txt b/13186-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8007b41 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1445 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13186 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 14, 1891. + + + + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. III.--THE BIOGRAPHER. + +We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take a +further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, who +has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of a +suburban villa--let us say at Norwood. You are in your dining-room, +examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather holds up, you +will take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you +are told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on +particular business." The very word excites you, not unpleasantly, +nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's business, or the District +Board, or the County Council--it is enough that your experience and +practical knowledge of affairs are in request--and, better still, +it will give you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own +importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, with +red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in documents which he has +brought with him in a black bag. + +[Illustration: "Your Visitor has his Note-book out."] + +"I _have_ the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I think?" he says. +"Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself extremely fortunate +in finding you at home, I assure you, and a very charming place +you have here--abundant evidence of a refined and cultivated mind, +excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I may +say so, elegant in the extreme--as was to be expected! Even from the +cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lend +itself admirably to picturesque description--which brings me to the +object of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope of +eliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compiling--a +work which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your +wide culture and interest in literary matters." (_Here you will look +as judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a +new Encyclopædia, or an illustrated edition of_ SHAKSPEARE's _works_.) +"The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, _Notable Nonentities +of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely, +rather taken by the title._) "It will be published very shortly, by +subscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up in +the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted, +and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is my +ambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every living +celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will +be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely +new process upon India and Japanese paper; everything--type, ink, +paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers being +determined to spare no expense in making it a book of reference +superior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (_As he pauses +fur breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a +work, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing--but that, for +your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting the +Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you_--) + +"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I should +not dream of expecting you to _subscribe_ to such a work. But, in +my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone +that care and research can effect to render the work complete--and +it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to +so distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("_Oh, pooh--nonsense!" +You will say at this--but you will sit down again_) "Norwood is a +singularly favoured locality. Sir; its charms have induced many of our +foremost men to select it for their _rus in urbe_. Why, in this very +road--May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with Alderman +MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to furnish me with many +interesting details of his personal career, a photo-gravured portrait +of him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of +'The Drudgeries,' and a bit from the back-garden." (_You do know_ +MINCING--_and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the absurd +vanity of the man_--_a mere nobody, away from the City!_) "Between +ourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed +your expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted +in allotting Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider +himself entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable +man, does _not_ appeal to the popular imagination as others I could +mention do--he is just a _little_ commonplace!" ("_Shrewd follow, +this!" you think to yourself--"Got_ MINCING's _measure!_") "But I +should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now, +would give me all the personal information you think proper to make +public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and +artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I +do trust that you will see your way to--" (_At first, you suggest that +you must talk it over with your Wife--but you presently see that if_ +MINCING _and men of that calibre are to be in this, you cannot, for +your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor soon has his note-book +out._) "Any remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE? +A strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to black-beetles--both +of which you still retain? Thank you, _very_ much. And you were +educated? At Dulborough Grammar School? Just _so_! Never took to +Latin, or learned Greek? Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves +thus early--curious, _indeed_! Entered your father's office as +clerk? Became a partner? Married your present lady--when? In 1860? +Exactly!--and have offspring? Your subsequent life comparatively +uneventful? That will do admirably--infinitely obliged to you, I am +sure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy +of the work, when issued, forwarded to you--we can do it for you at +the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance--a gratifying +possession for your children after you have gone, Mr. LANE! I _may_ +put you down? Thank you. For _two_ copies?" (_On second thoughts, +you do order two copies; you can send one out to your married +Sister in Australia_--_it will amuse her._) "One, two, three, four +guineas--_quite_ correct, Mr. LANE, and you shall have an early +opportunity of revising a proof, and we will send down a competent +artist, in a day or two, to take the photographs. Quite an agreeable +change in the weather, is it not? _Good_ day!" + +[Illustration: "You may have to wait."] + +He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer, +and the appearance of that great work. _Notable Nonentities of +Norwood_,--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait +a considerable time. + + * * * * * + +IAGO ON THE GREAT SERMON QUESTION. + + Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public, + Is the immediate jewel of their souls. + Who steals my _sermon_, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; + 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens; + But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist, + Robs me of that which is no good to him, + And leaves me poor--in credit. + + * * * * * + +"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.--A new book of advice for intending +Travellers has recently been published, entitled, "_Where to Stay_." +It is both ornamental and useful; but so much depends on ways and +means, that, after careful consideration, _Mr. Punch_, when asked +"_Where to Stay_," considers the safest answer will always be, "_At +home_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CHUCKED!" + + ["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber having + yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, rejected a Bill + legalising the _pari mutuel_, and the Government having + pledged itself to enforce the law against gambling."--_Times + Paris Correspondent_.] + +_The Bookie_. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE +LIKE 'OME!"] + +(_EXTRACT OF LETTER FROM_ DICKY DIDDLUM, _BOOKMAKER, PARIS, TO_ +BOUNDING BOB, _DITTO, NEWMARKET._) + +"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly _hup_ as the top of the +Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after all. Thought we _had_ +taught 'em a bit about _Ler Sport_ by this time: but, bless yer, BOB, +once a Pollyvoo, always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a +'Oss, or knows 'ow to make a Book! + +"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County Councils, +dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the Detective bizness in +their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there won't be a safe look in for +a party as wants to do a nice little flutter--unless, of course, he's +a Stock-Exchange spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines. +_Then_ he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses as much as +he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French _Bourse_ 'ud get along +without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss barney, as every man as _is_ a man +finds the werry salt of life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin' +played down too darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all? +Why, 'No Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact +size of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB! + +"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, fur as _I_ +see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a Republican, too, bless his boko! +said as 'races were essential to 'orsebreeding, and that without +betting there would be no races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.! +And then they up and chuck hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no +betting, no races; no racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's +how it runs, BOB, or I'm a sossidge! + +"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for anythink. Look +at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the Hempress! Why, if +_we_ 'ad that duffer, DEROULÈDE, on Newmarket 'Eath, we should just +duck him in a 'orsepond, like a copped Welsher. Here they washup him, +or else knuckle under to him, like a skeery Coster's missus when +her old man's on the mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his +bloomin' high-lows. _That's_ yer high-polite French Artists and brave +booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah! + +"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. MOSSOO +CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would be an end to +bookmakers.' And it _was_ carried, by 340 mugs against 144 right 'uns. +And arter all me and my sort has done for Parry! It's mean, that's +wot it is, BOB. P'raps they'll chuck British _jockeys_ next! Much good +their _Grong Pree_, ancetrer, will be _then_, my boy. _Our_ 'osses, +_our_ jockeys, _and_ our bookies has bin the making of French +Sport,--and werrv nice little pickings there's bin out of it take it +all round. Wot'll _Ler Hig Life_, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots, +and miles o' bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do +for Parry without _hus_, I wonder? We shall _see_! Ah, Madame _lar +Republick_, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your bullyin' jondarms, +for chucking o' me afore you're through. As MAT MOPUS put it:-- + + It was all werry well to dissemble yer love, + But wy did yer kick me down-stairs? + +Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next week, BOB. +Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, there's no place +like 'ome! No!-- + + 'Mid _Boises_ and Bullyvards tho' we may roam, + Be it hever so foggy, there's no place _like_ 'ome; + A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport there, + Wich, look where you will, isn't met with elsewhere. + 'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome, + Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like 'ome! + + A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main; + Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again; + The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl, + Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all. + 'Ome, 'ome, + Sweet, sweet 'ome, + With RAIKES[1], LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome. + +"Mean to sing _that_ at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But till then, +Ta--ta!!" + +[Footnote 1: Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL +SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegrams +transmitted by the Post-office Department."] + + * * * * * + +DESDEMONA TO THE AUTHOR OF "DORIAN GRAY." + +(_A PROPOS OF HIS PARAGRAPHIC PREFACE._) + +"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club corner. +What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and foolish?" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN A NAME.--A recent theatrical announcement informed us +that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of a Mr. HENRY DAM. +If successful, imagine the audience calling for the Author by name. If +a triumph, the new dramatist will be known as "The big, big D." + + * * * * * + +BY A TIRED AND CYNICAL CRITIC OF CURRENT FICTION. + + A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen. + A School? What's really wanted is a Prison. + Life-long confinement far from pen and ink + _Might_ cure the crowd of fictionists, I _think_. + Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight, + Go teach the Novelist how _not_ to write! + + * * * * * + +ATHLETICS.--It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbid +the popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon the ground that it +may lead to shoplifting. + + * * * * * + +WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.--_Lady B-ountiful_ first, at the Garrick, +and _Lady B-arter_ at the Princess's. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS. + +_Big Ben_. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! JUST LOOK AT YOU +AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE _ALWAYS_ TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, +HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST +FRIENDS FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I +POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!" + +_Little Dick_ (_dreamily_). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE +_NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!_"] + + * * * * * + +THE FIRST ACT--AND THE LAST. + +(_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._) + +ACT I.--_The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction +Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and +Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Charts +cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery +used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the +Authorities, are scattered about in every direction._ TOMMY ATKINS +_is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very +lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture._ + +_Military Instructor_ (_who has been for an hour and a half explaining +the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approaching +the end of his subject_). Well, as I have fully explained before, but +may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you +will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened +in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, +and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a +small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while +the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases +or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the +locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-four +different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retain +their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not +forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, +and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and +.116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that, +if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you will +practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should be +thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which, +properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. I +think I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewes +system is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500 +yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark, +I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (_gives him +one_), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in the +heat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured +to impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head +cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have made +myself pretty clear? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will +find it, what they assure me it is,--a most serviceable weapon. + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_saluting_). 'Ees, Sir! + + [_Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends._ + +ACT II.--_The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight) +in the immediate neighbourhood of London._ TOMMY ATKINS _and the_ +Military Instructor _discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of +the slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the +Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding +that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few +of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided +for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a +Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge +for the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of +pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury_, Mr. STANHOPE +_is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London +capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on +by the_ LORD MAYOR, _in the Bank of England._ + +_Military Instructor_ (_sitting up and rubbing his eyes_). Dear me! +we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all. +(_Recognising him._) Halloa, ATKINS! + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. You remember all I told you? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable +weapon, after all! + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this! +By Jove! it looks like the last Act! + + [_Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the + Battle-field, the_ Military Instructor _threatening to write + to the "Times," and_ TOMMY ATKINS _still grinning as Curtain + falls._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sylvanus_. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE +MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!" + +_Urbanus_. "OH--ER--YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"] + + * * * * * + +UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. + + ["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for ----, feel + that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side + in a Division?"--_Evening Paper_.] + + SCENE--_A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered apparently dying + in the hour of victory._ + +_Faithful Aide-de-Camp_. The enemy run, Sir! We have beaten them off +on every side! + +_Colonel_ (_faintly_). That is well! (_with a sigh_) and yet my heart +is heavy within me! Believe me, SMITH, I cannot die easily. + +_F.A.-de-C._ And yet the vacancy thus created would be found a +stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, Sir? + +_Col. X._ I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a politician the idea +is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had always done my duty in +the House of Commons! But no, with a view to obtaining this command, +I voted against my convictions! I supported the Government in their +proposal to tax perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I +was weak and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could +live to repair the past. + +_Opposition Whip_ (_suddenly springing up from behind a limber à la_ +HAWKSHAW _the Detective_). It is _not_ too late! Return with me to +Westminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! With +a special train we shall be in time! You can yet record your vote! + +_Col. X._ (_suddenly reviving_). Say you so? Then I _will_ recover! I +_will_ do my duty! + + [_Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put permanently + on the shelf, from a military point of view!_ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in _Scribner_, for March, is +interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to be a charming +people; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they can +be divorced for being talkative. + +_A propos_ of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA JOKO's capital +illustrations of Hospital Nursing in _The English Illustrated +Magazine_, the Matron's room must be "an illigant place, intoirely"; +while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a patient a +cup of ink by mistake for liquorice-water isn't a real good practical +side-splitter, the Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we +come upon a delightful little picture of "_The Pet of the Hospital_"; +and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing Sister +it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does she marry a +"Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she must be a "great +attraction," and if anything were to happen to the Baron, and he +couldn't be removed to his own palatial residence, he would say, "Put +me in a cab, drive me to the Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty +Pet's Ward." + +The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY McCARTHY's +"Pages on Plays" in _The Gentleman's Magazine_. JUSTIN HUNTLY +expresses his opinion that "_The Dancing Girl_ will almost certainly +be the play of the season; it will probably be the principal play of +the year." "Almost certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The +Baron backs _The Idler_ against _The Dancing Girl_ for a run. In the +same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short story, +called _Sally_, material that would have served some authors for a +three-volume novel. + +It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on any one +point with the Author of _Essays in Little_, and in proportion to +the number of the points so is the Baron's pleasure intensified. Most +intending readers of these Essays, on taking up the book, would be +less curious to ascertain what ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER +and the study of Greek, about THÉODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES +BAYLEY, the Sagas, and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions +on DICKENS and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more +popular. The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays +of ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on any +account, omit the delightfully written and truly appreciative article +on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you please, but finish with "_the +last fashionable novel_," wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest +mood, treats us to an excellent parody. + +The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this Extra-Ordinary +Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the discharge of his duties +by reading _Monte Carlo, and How to Do It_, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and +G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following +terms to his loved Chief:--This book achieves the task of combining +extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid +dulness--not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of low slang +and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume themselves on their +marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, which, with their usual +sprightly facetiousness, they call "Charley's Mount." They are good +enough to tell such of the travelling public as may want to get there, +that the train leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35. +Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the steamer +(Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, where there +is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead of going by the +_Ceinture_, they drove across Paris. The greenhorns arrive at Monte +Carlo, and then settle on their quarters. Anyone but an idiot would +have settled all this, and much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly +greenhorn, who wishes us to think that "_il connait son Paris_," talks +of "suppers of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish), +and informs us that, "at the Hôtel de l'Athenée, the staff esteem it +rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, to grin +and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and swearing British +greenhorn! now I know why the French so greatly love our countrymen. +But why, oh why do you imagine that you have discovered Monte Carlo? +For the details of the journey, and the instructions to future +explorers, are set out with a painful minuteness which not even +STANLEY could rival. As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned, +picturesque Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from +the glare and noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it +scornfully, as having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center +want? He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who +are "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The +Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the French soldier +that "the short service forty-eight-day men don't have a very +unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for you, there's elegance! +Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically eloquent on the subject of +fleas, throws in such lucid expressions as "chin music," "gives him +biff," "his craft is thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and +his fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most foolish +greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can imagine +the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, blatant, +gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as sportsmen, +and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the Baron to his +Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with his signature, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MORE IBSENITY! + +[Illustration] + +Dear EDITOR,--Noticing that the author of _The Doll's House_ was to +have another morning, or, to use an equally suitable epithet, mourning +performance devoted to his works, I made up my mind, after bracing +up my nerves, to attend it. The 23rd of February (the date of the +proposed function) as the second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too, +distinctly appropriate. By attending the performance--IBSEN recommends +self-execution--I sentenced myself to three hours and a half of +boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot help feeling that whatever +my past may have been, the penance paid to wipe it out was excessive, +and therefore rendered it unnecessary that I should attend a second +performance announced for last week. + +_Rosmershölm_ is in four Acts and one Scene--a room in _Rosmer's_ +House. Act I. _Rector Kroll_, who is the brother-in-law of _Pastor +Rosmer_, calls upon the latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the +Conservative interest. _Kroll_ (who, by the way, is a married man) +before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild flirtation +with _Rebecca West_, a female of a certain age, who has taken up her +abode for some years in the Rector's house. And here I may observe +that the Rector's housekeeper, _Madame Helseth_, presumably a highly +respectable person, although she has excellent reasons, from the +first, for believing that the relations between her Master and +_Rebecca_ are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic arrangements of +the Rosmer _ménage_ with hearty acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm. +_Rosmer_ interrupts the Rector's _tête-à -tête_ with the fascinating +_Rebecca_, and declines the proffered editorship, because he is a +Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,--no action to speak of, but +a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we learn that the late _Mrs. +Rosmer_ has committed suicide, because she was informed that the +apostate Pastor could only save his villainy from exposure by giving +immediately the position of wife to her friend _Rebecca_. She has had +this tip on the most reliable authority,--it has been furnished by +_Rebecca_ herself. Then the Pastor asks _Rebecca_ to marry him, but +is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it be that she has tired +of her guilty passion. In Act III. _Rebecca_ admits to the widower and +his brother-in-law that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares +to decamp. In the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has +been in love with _Rebecca_ from the first, loves her now, but is not +sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this point, will +she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as to jump into the +mill-stream, and drown herself? With pleasure--and she takes a header! +He explains that courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and +follows her example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily! + +And this is the plot! And what about the characters? _Rebecca_ is +merely a hysterical old maid, who would have been set right, in +the time of the Tudors, with a sound ducking; and nowadays, had +she consulted a fashionable physician, she would have been probably +ordered a sea-voyage, and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is +a feeble, fickle fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in +his life. He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that +she married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an +entirely convincing nature. The _Rector Kroll_ is a prig and a bore +of the first water. When he discovers _Rebecca's_ perfidy, he suggests +that she may have inherited her proneness for treachery from her +father--and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the name of a +gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a parent! The best line +in the piece, to my mind--and it certainly "went with a roar"--is a +question of the housekeeper--answered in the negative--"Have you ever +seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! Pretentious +twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it less idiotic. And +_so_ dull! + +As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I dislike +undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my opinion is +shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic of _Truth_, wrote +last week--"The few independent persons who have sat out a play by +IBSEN, be it _The Doll's House_, or _The Pillars of Society_, or +_Rosmershölm_, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff before the +playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, remove your _claque_, +exhaust your attendance of the socialist and the sexless, and then see +where your IBSEN will be.' I have never known an audience that cared +to pay to be bored, and the over-vaunted _Rosmershölm_ bored even the +Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their martyrdom! +I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have never seen a +dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I wish I could say as +much, and I shall be surprised if you do not appreciate the feeling, +after you too have partaken of this truly Lenten fare. Yours +sincerely, + +ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN--AT A DISTANCE. + + * * * * * + +STRIKING TIMES. + +NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD. + +(_BY A LABOURING ELECTOR._) + + Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to my song. + The times should much amuse you; you are up, and going strong. + The Working Men of England at length begin to see + That _their_ parsnips for to butter now the Parties all agree. + + _Chorus._ + + _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way,_ + _And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter every day!_ + + This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it strikes me so. + Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must go. + NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an artful plan; + But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY MANN! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and M.P.'s, + Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we darn please. + Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his neighbour; + Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they _all_ love _Labour_! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he _looks_ as hard as nails, + But when he wants to butter _us_, the Dorset never fails; + He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and messy. + He _couldn't_ flummerify us more were each of us a JESSE! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; _his_ treacle's pretty thick; + _He_ gives the Tories the straight tip,--and don't they take it--quick? + And now, by Jove, it's comical!--where _will_ the fashion end?-- + There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine Labourer's Friend! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's drawing nigh, + And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll _promise_ for to try. + They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty Labouring Host, + Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have you all on toast! + + _Chorus._ + + _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way._ + _They'll strain their throats,--you mind your votes, and you may find it pay!_ + + * * * * * + +WILDE FLOWERS. + +Some other fellow, in the _P.M.G._, has been beforehand with us in +spotting "A Preface to _Dorian Gray_," by our OSCAR WILDE-r than +ever, in this month's _Fortnightly. Dorian Gray_ was published some +considerable time ago, so it belongs to ancient history, and now, +after this lapse of time, out comes the preface. And this "preface" +occupies the better part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of +two pages; which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows +of bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant aphorisms. +The rule of the arrangement seems to be.--"when in doubt, plant +asterisks." _Sic itur ad astra._ The garden is open to all, let us +cull; here one and there one. "_To reveal Art and conceal the Artist, +is Art's aim._" Is there not in this the scent of "_Ars est celare +artem_"? "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "_Puris omnia +pura_" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if I mistake +not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to the stalk of +another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to "adapt" Scripture to +one's purpose is not to quote it. _Vade retro!_ Do we not recognise +something familiar in "_When Critics disagree the Artist is in accord +with himself?_" + +But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is over, then +arises the despairing cry of our own cherished OSCAR. It is in the +_Last of the Aphorisms_; after which, exhausted, he can only sign his +name, fling away the goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious +arm-chair exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into +the work of one short hour. Ah! "_La plupart des livres d'à présent +ont l'air d'avoir été faits en un jour avec des livres lus de la +veille._" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, RIVAROL, and JEAN +MORLÉ. "_Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!_ Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let +us be natural, or shut up shop. Yet there is a chance,--to be +supernatural. The great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among +the gods, open to any aspirant for immortality. "_All Art is quite +useless!_" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? "Is this +the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word--for the present. Pan is dead! +_Vive_ Pannikin! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CES AUTRES." + +(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.) + +_Captain Bergamot_. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN THE SERVICE, MISS DE +BULLION?" + +_Miss de Bullion_. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, AND--A--" (_with +disgust_)--"THE REST IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" + +A SONG OF SYMPATHY. + +(_SOME WAY AFTER A CELEBRATED BOATING SONG._) + + ["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the Colonies + continued separate they must become hostile communities, + and, in order that they might prevent that, it was for + the whole people to join in creating one great Union + Government."--REUTER.] + +Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, _an Old Blue, and a sympathetic on-looker, +loquitur_:-- + + Capital boating weather! + Ay, and a favouring breeze! + Oars upon the feather! + Sun of the Southern Seas! + Brave boys! Swing together, + Your bodies between your knees! + + Pheugh! How old memory rushes + Over me!--Pulled indeed! + Though LEO seldom gushes, + And these be of LEO's breed, + The blood of an Old Blue flushes + At the Young Blues' power and speed! + + Coach them, or patronise them? + Nay, I've no call for that. + To cheer them, not to advise them, + I'm on this path,--that's pat! + Affection admiringly eyes them:-- + Once in a boat I sat! + + Pulled my weight at a pinch, + For odds cared never a "cuss;" + No stern-chase caused me to flinch, + But--always detested fuss. + Strain the last ounce, and inch! + Races are won, boys, _thus_! + + Look a most likely lot, + Lionlets lithe and young. + Pace? They will make it hot. + Few can have feathered and swung + Better. Tall talk is rot; + But, hang it! I _must_ give tongue! + + There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales," + "Australia South" and "West," + "Victoria,"--each one scales + Good weight, and with girth of chest; + "New Zealand's" zeal prevails, + He'll swing in time with the rest. + + The hero born of Thetis + Had pluck enow. What then? + Each hero here, whose meat is + "Hard steak and harder hen," + As stalwart and as fleet is + As the Greek first of men! + + "Stroke" sets it long and steady; + _That_ gladdens a true Old Blue. + There's nothing hot and heady + In sturdy Number Two. + There are coxens sharp and ready + In the Land of the Kangaroo! + + Go it, lads! Swing together! + Push elders from their stools? + Pooh! _I_ shall moult no feather; + Old boys are not always old fools. + Out upon jealous blether! + You've learnt in the best of schools. + + I want to see you win, lads; + Old LEO loves his cubs. + If cynics growl or grin, lads, + We'll drive them back to their tubs. + Do you think my blood's so thin, lads, + I'd diet upon cold snubs? + + The cynics think they're clever; + Beshrew their big bow-wow! + Boys, swing together ever, + Steady from stroke to bow; + One chain shall sever never-- + The love-links round us now! + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? + + Will someone gifted with the _nous_, + Explain the "why" of Spinning House? + Is it to strike with wholesome fear + The thoughtless Maiden whose career + Looks like a sinning one? + And thus the Judge her conscience wakes, + Since he, when passing sentence, takes + Good care to name a _Spinning_ one? + Or is it that in such a habitation, + Herself a spinster more at home might feel; + And in a Spinning House find occupation, + Provided with a decent spinning-wheel; + But there,--no matter whence it came, + Or what's the meaning hidden in its name, + About its destination there's no fear; + And judging from a noted recent case, + The Spinning House will,--it is pretty clear,-- + Itself be soon sent spinning into space. + + * * * * * + +"Is a husband worth having?" asks _Woman_. One reply would be, "Well, +that depends on whose husband it is." But, by the way, this view was +not under consideration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" + +BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, BOYS!--SWING TOGETHER!!"] + + * * * * * + +A WILD WELCOME. + + February's reign of gloom + Out of mind and sight is, + Noonday darkness of the tomb, + Carbon and bronchitis. + + Though the air is keen and chill, + Cloudy though the skies are, + Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill, + Free from smart our eyes are. + + Bursting on the lengthening day + Bellows March the Viking, + "I have blown the fogs away; + Is this to your liking?" + + Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead + Sets the spirits bounding, + Like the Major's chartered steed + At the trumpet's sounding. + + Welcome, roaring moon of dust, + Welcome, Spring's reviver; + On the race again we must + Risk the wonted fiver; + + Fields are showing brighter green, + Early buds are shooting; + On the early youth is seen + The new season's suiting. + + Long it is since sparrows shrill + With their chirping woke us; + There is one with busy bill + Worrying a crocus. + + How they love the flow'r of spring-- + Never can resist it; + What a graceful little thing-- + Bother, I have miss'd it! + + Now the wind along the plain + Comes with roar and clatter-- + There, my hat is off again! + Let it go--no matter. + + What am I, to say thee nay + In thy rudest phases? + Blow my Sunday hat away. + Blow my hat to blazes. + + 'Tis but little we can do + For thy bounty's measure-- + Sacrifice a hat or two? + Forty hats, with pleasure. + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK. + +_FROM THE RAILWAY IMPROVEMENT PHRASE-BOOK._ + +That Nursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator will +certainly get run over by the train if she stands there gossiping with +the man in the signal-box. + +That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown its rider +this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing engine. + +So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens, +and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken the +contract for the making of the new line. + +Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right across +the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable hatch-houses, puffing +steam-cranes, and processions of mud-carts, rather interfere with the +beauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bear in mind +_that it is, after all, only to last for live years._ + +Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under that +luggage-train. + +It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget the +inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public being able to +get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for twopence. + + * * * * * + +QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.--No man has a vote until he has attained his +majority. How about some districts where they are nearly all Miners? + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. II.--DON JUAN SENIOR. + + To share with men the prandial gloom + Of union forced that fatal custom + Decrees to wither "youth and bloom," + (The phrase is from _Sohrab and Rustum_) + I've suffered boredom to the full; + Professors dull--of Hindostani! + Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull-- + He wasn't dull--was Don GIOVANNI. + + A widower _fêted_ far and wide, + The jauntiest Rake who drinks the waters, + Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride + And terror of his decent daughters; + _Old_ Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm + Flirtations, free to fling his cash on + The dining Duchess, "mould of form!" + Antique, good-looking "glass of fashion." + + [Illustration] + + He gossiped how the Viscount bets + (Some heiress he must really "pick up"), + How noble dames smoke cigarettes + And noble heels in ballets kick up. + How "H.R.H."--_n'importe!_ my friend + Experience shows me that the _laches_ + Of such as air these letters tend + In the direction of their "H"'s. + + He chatted next of German Spas, + Of Continental, English "P.B.'s," + And how our matchmaking Mammas + Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes, + How he with Royalties had graced + The latest function--genial patrons-- + While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced + Before the virtuous British matrons. + + And then his compliments began + To rain like drops of Frangipanni, + A most insinuating man + He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI. + You felt, if you could half believe, + You'd but to word a whim to find it, + You quite forgot he owned a sleeve, + And several teeth to laugh behind it. + + There may be kindness, lofty souls, + Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows older, + _Him_ the Material controls: + He shrugs a sleek, good-natured shoulder. + Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke; + Your choicest vintage passes; e'en your + Supreme tobacco ends in smoke-- + And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior. + + * * * * * + +MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is proposed +to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England and France. + + * * * * * + +SONGS BY A CYNIC. + +LOVE. + + What's Love, and all that Love can bring, + Youth's earliest illusion: + What tender words _she_ used to sing, + And blush with sweet confusion. + How you would hang upon each word, + When under spells of Cupid; + When half she said was most absurd, + And all extremely stupid. + + You loved her for her hair of gold. + Unwitting that she dyed it; + She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold, + Though Time had never tried it. + Your worship came to such a pass, + That, when you calmly view it, + You feel you were an utter ass, + Though then you never knew it. + + What happened? Why, the usual thing: + While round her you would linger, + Her love was fragile as the ring + You bought to grace her finger. + She went off with another man, + And so you had to sever: + Thus women since the world began + Have done, and will do ever. + + * * * * * + +REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER. + +I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up to a +festival called "_The Coming Race_." I was there at the opening on +Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, attended by her husband, +Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared the Bazaar open. A gay and +festive scene. Here, there, and everywhere, Egyptian houses made +of cardboard, containing stalls full of the most useful articles +imaginable. On the daïs, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting +purses (containing £3 3s. and upwards) to the Princess, who received +them with an affability which won the hearts of all beholders. On the +floor of the building was a gaily-dressed throng, which included many +a distinguished person. The revelry continued for three days, and was, +I trust, the means of obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt, +is most deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much +at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere else. + + * * * * * + +FÊTE OR FATE? + +OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN IMPRESSIONIST._) + + Lights and bouquets--flush and flare-- + Motley medley--splash affair-- + Deft disguises--flute and fife-- + Half the world without his wife-- + Dominos, and masks, and faces-- + Graces three--and three Disgraces. + Jacks-in-boxes--tambour-majors-- + Janes in office--ancient stagers-- + REYNOLDS' Duchess--Shepherdesses; + (Burlington) Arcadian tresses-- + Primrose damsels,--clowns and follies,-- + Organ-grinders--Flemish dollies-- + Macaronis, rather muddy, + Of the central stud a study-- + England's mashers, Afric's dark sons-- + NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's-- + All costumes not apt the back to, + Some of them inclined to crack too-- + Martyred revellers in upper + Rooms, and singing for their supper. + Bright confusion--many a mad hunt-- + Five o'clock--_and wish I hadn't._ + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.--Revival of _Charles +the First_!!! (at the Lyceum). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. NO. 2.--ARTHUR GOLFOUR.] + + * * * * * + +MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA. + + "What are you doing, my pretty Maid?" + "I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said. + "May I question you, my pretty Maid?" + "Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said. + "Who is your father, my pretty Maid?" + "JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said. + "And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?" + "My race is my fortune, Sir," she said. + "Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!" + "Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said. + + * * * * * + +GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.--_Mr. Punch_, Perpetual Universal +Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, congratulates H.R.H., Grand +Master of English Freemasons, on his plucky and straightforward action +with regard to the G.M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, +having contravened the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878, +may now exclaim, in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some +great Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once +frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was _not_ +Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!" + + * * * * * + +RECIPROCITY.--"MACE," in _The Illustrated London News_, says, +sweepingly:--"No Under-Secretary ever has any opinion of his +own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom has any opinion of an +Under-Secretary! + + +[Illustration: AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART. + +"DIE, VILLAIN!" + +"The extinction of literary piracy in America has been +decreed."--_Times Leader, March 5._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--Navy Estimates on to-night. +Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One, +it is true, is HARCOURT; so perhaps the most accurate enumeration of +the aggregate would be fifteen. + +"_Que diable allait-il faire dans ce_ jolly-boat?" GEORGE HAMILTON +asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant occupation of tearing up +strips of paper to glance across table at portly figure reclining on +Front Opposition Bench. Several Admirals and Captains have spoken. +Members generally have fled the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's +sense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; +but CASABIANCA HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the +Old Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying +toleration with which he listens. Doesn't _say_ they're all wrong, but +smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating COLOMB falters when, +glancing round the great gaps of empty Benches opposite, his eye falls +on HARCOURT. + +"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had +contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed since +commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the United Kingdom +has increased only one-and-a-half times, while that of the outlying +Empire has multiplied five-fold." + +General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every department +of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought that at least he +knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than Admiral +FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and +delivered slashing speech, laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as +if he had been set up in the Place Vendôme; reviewing the British +Fleet in masterly style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting +Jerusalem and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First +Lord of the Admiralty. + +[Illustration: Something more than his full height.] + +"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more than his +full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I ever heard, +even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our side. HOWORTH knows +a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking in accomplishment; but +for versatility, for profundity of knowledge, for readiness of +grasp, whether the object be a lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the +Exchequer's ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship, +give me HARCOURT." + +_Business done_.--Committee on the Navy Estimates. + +_Tuesday_.--WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about the Fog? Couldn't +something be done to lighten it, say by appointment of Royal +Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across House upon his young friend +with expression of almost paternal solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the +allied force. What did he mean by suddenly springing this question on +the First Lord of the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye? +Had it something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the +Union? + +CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring straight into +space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, with hat cunningly +tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have lain far in their pellucid +depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly absorbed in the brown gaiters +he has recently added to the graces of his personal appearance, in +pathetic admission that the natural charms of youth are at length +fading. + +Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the Union +really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden behind the +smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The only thing to +do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD MORALITY, was to +meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, plain enough as it appeared +in print on the prosaic Orders, was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers +consider the advisability of appointing a Royal Commission to examine +and report how far the evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by +legislation?" + +"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to assure my +Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in common with other +inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely sensible of the serious +injury, disturbance, and hardship inflicted by the increasing +prevalence of fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause of the London +fog? These fogs, which occur generally in the winter time, are +occasioned thus: some current of air, being suddenly cooled, descends +into the warm streets, forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the +earth. But, my Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every +night? I will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's +Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our wish +is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the +House they sit. Fogs--this I have no hesitation in stating--do not +supervene without intermission on successive nights, because the air +will always hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies +according to its temperature, and when the air is not saturated, +it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. Yes, I know. +My Right Hon. Friend, the Member for West Birmingham, with his +usual acumen--which I am sure we all recognise--asks me, In what +circumstances do fogs occur at night? I am much obliged to him for +reminding me of the point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has +been saturated with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it +deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form known in rural +districts--as my Hon. Friend, the Member for the Bordesley Division, +is well aware--as dew. In the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog. +This process of deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the +air for holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing night. +I think I have now answered the question of my Noble Friend fully, +and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, upon consideration, +see that this is not a matter with which a Royal Commission could +be expected successfully to cope, and, therefore, I may add, Her +Majesty's Government do not, after full consideration of their duty +to the QUEEN and Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion +thrown out by my Noble Friend." + +[Illustration: Feeling his Way through the Fog.] + +BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; remained +very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes to eleven he +thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's meaning. "Yes," he +added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling my way through the fog." + +_Business done_.--STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution negatived by 291 +Votes against 189. + +_Thursday_.--In Lords to-night, three white figures fluttered down +gently on to red Benches, like virgin flakes of snow. But, unlike +snow, they didn't melt. On close examination, turned out to be three +new Bishops; two of them old friends, with new titles. + +"Like _Bottom_, translated," BRAMWELL growls. + +Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back Archbishop +of York. The ceremony of their installation not nearly so comic as +that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter King-at-Arms does not +appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any game of Follow-my-leader round +the Benches. + +"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says has no +strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would never do. Must be +careful with our Bishops." + +[Illustration: The Inflammable Liquor Bill.] + +So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the +LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal Bench, +folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent an added air +of peace and purity to the precincts. + +DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had promised +to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill, limiting duration of +Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons, whilst ATKINSON turned his +attention to his Dowagers Bill. + +"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes thought an +alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition between two estates +of the realm, might work great things. But I'm beginning to lose +confidence in him. At certain periods of the lunar month he's too +comprehensive in his legislative ambition. Why wasn't he content +with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers, +dear TOBY, have, if I may say so--using the phrase strictly in +Parliamentary sense--got their arms round the neck of my friend +ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, between +us, we could have put things straight generally." + +_Business done_.--Navy Estimates in Commons. + +_Friday_.--PHILIPPE EGALITÉ very rarely troubles House with ordered +speech. A good deal on his mind looking after JACOBY, and keeping +the Party straight. But his silence doesn't arise from incapacity to +speak. This shown to-night in his speech on Railway Rates and Charges. +Full of good matter, admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK +proposed to discuss Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about +it particularly. So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the +chief _Business done_. + + * * * * * + +THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR. + +(_A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE._) + + I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern pate, + Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of State, + Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old rate, + With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his gate; + This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time. + + His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse of time" + (He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more sublime; + For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must obey. + And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial way, + Of this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) "he'd not oppose." + Social reform or Education _he_'d not treat as foes, + But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might trip his toes, + And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it (by the nose?), + This fine young German Emperor, &c. + + Now surely this is better far than all the old parade + Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade; + And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be said, + Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow _he knows his trade_, + Does this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + There were some who did not like it,--there are always such, one knows, + Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style oppose. + Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not see + Laying down his long-held power, and submitting tranquilly + To this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + _He_ was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love the plough, + So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, roused lots of row. + For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon the shelf, + Found that long control of others did _not_ mean control of self, + _Or_ this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to lead the dance, + Has a very trying _vis-à -vis_, that fractious dame, _La France_, + To keep step with that lady, without treading on her train, + Would tax Terpsichore herself; _he_ finds the effort vain; + Does this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish task, + That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact will task. + Let us wish him patriot wisdom, _and_ respect for Elder Fame, + And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a noble name, + This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time! + + * * * * * + +A ROUGH CROSSING. + +That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, and his head +covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just returned from fighting the +Dacoits in Upper Burmah? + +I certainly _am_ surprised when you inform me that he has only tried +to cross a London street in a fog. + +Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just thundered past at +twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was _not_ a fire-engine, but only a +covered Van? + +Yes, I believe it _is_ a fact that special beds in all the Hospitals +are now reserved for Van-victims. + +Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to the Rear; +still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so much like a +highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your life!" + +If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van will have to +carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with it. + +What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting angrily? Oh, I +suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over by the Coal-waggon +and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is remonstrating with the +driver? + +What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing the old +gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way? + +I _have_ heard that the Insurance Companies now insert in their +policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any street in London, +except under police escort. + +And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down in the +streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time that something +were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in his wild career? + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100. March 14, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13186 *** diff --git a/13186-h/13186-h.htm b/13186-h/13186-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..52ca466 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/13186-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2215 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, March 14, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13186 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 14, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" + id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> + + <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2> + + <h3>No. III.—THE BIOGRAPHER.</h3> + + <p>We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to + take a further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy + merchant, who has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the + elegant leisure of a suburban villa—let us say at + Norwood. You are in your dining-room, examining the sky, and + thinking that, if the weather holds up, you will take your big + dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you are told + that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on + particular business." The very word excites you, not + unpleasantly, nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's + business, or the District Board, or the County Council—it + is enough that your experience and practical knowledge of + affairs are in request—and, better still, it will give + you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own + importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk + stranger, with red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in + documents which he has brought with him in a black bag.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:36%;"> + <a href="images/121-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/121-1.png" + alt="'Your Visitor has his Note-book out.'" /> + </a>"Your Visitor has his Note-book out." + </div> + + <p>"I <i>have</i> the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I + think?" he says. "Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider + myself extremely fortunate in finding you at home, I assure + you, and a very charming place you have here—abundant + evidence of a refined and cultivated mind, excellent selection + of our best-known writers, everything, if I may say so, elegant + in the extreme—as was to be expected! Even from the + cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would + lend itself admirably to picturesque description—which + brings me to the object of my visit. I have called upon you, + Mr. LANE, in the hope of eliciting your sympathy and patronage + for a work I am now compiling—a work which will, I am + confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your wide culture + and interest in literary matters." (<i>Here you will look as + judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a + new Encyclopædia, or an illustrated edition of</i> SHAKSPEARE's + <i>works</i>.) "The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, + <i>Notable Nonentities of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here + you will nod gravely, rather taken by the title.</i>) "It will + be published very shortly, by subscription, Mr. LANE, in two + handsome quarto volumes, got up in the most sumptuous style. It + is a work which has been long wanted, and which, I venture to + predict, will be very widely read. It is my ambition to make it + a complete biographical compendium of every living celebrity of + note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will be + embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely + new process upon India and Japanese paper; + everything—type, ink, paper, binding, will be of the best + procurable; the publishers being determined to spare no expense + in making it a book of reference superior to anything of the + kind previously attempted!" (<i>As he pauses fur breath, you + will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a work, as he + contemplates, will be an excellent thing—but that, for + your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting + the Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will + excuse you</i>—)</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:36%;"> + <a href="images/121-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/121-2.png" + alt="'You may have to wait.'" /></a>"You may have to + wait." + </div> + + <p>"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my + object. I should not dream of expecting you to <i>subscribe</i> + to such a work. But, in my capacity of compiler, I naturally + desire to leave nothing undone that care and research can + effect to render the work complete—and it would be + incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to so + distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("<i>Oh, + pooh—nonsense!" You will say at this—but you will + sit down again</i>) "Norwood is a singularly favoured locality. + Sir; its charms have induced many of our foremost men to select + it for their <i>rus in urbe</i>. Why, in this very + road—May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with + Alderman MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to + furnish me with many interesting details of his personal + career, a photo-gravured portrait of him will be included, with + views of the interior and exterior of 'The Drudgeries,' and a + bit from the back-garden." (<i>You do know</i> + MINCING—<i>and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the + absurd vanity of the man</i>—<i>a mere nobody, away from + the City!</i>) "Between ourselves," says your interviewer, + candidly, having possibly observed your expression, "I am by no + means sure that I shall feel warranted in allotting Alderman + MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider himself + entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable man, + does <i>not</i> appeal to the popular imagination as others I + could mention do—he is just a <i>little</i> commonplace!" + ("<i>Shrewd follow, this!" you think to yourself—"Got</i> + MINCING's <i>measure!</i>") "But I should feel it an honour, + indeed, if such a man as yourself, now, would give me all the + personal information you think proper to make public, while, as + a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and artistic + domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I do + trust that you will see your way to—" (<i>At first, you + suggest that you must talk it over with your Wife—but you + presently see that if</i> MINCING <i>and men of that calibre + are to be in this, you cannot, for your own sake, hold aloof, + and so your Visitor soon has his note-book out.</i>) "Any + remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE? A + strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to + black-beetles—both of which you still retain? Thank you, + <i>very</i> much. And you were educated? At Dulborough Grammar + School? Just <i>so</i>! Never took to Latin, or learned Greek? + Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves thus + early—curious, <i>indeed</i>! Entered your father's + office as clerk? Became a partner? Married your present + lady—when? In 1860? Exactly!—and have offspring? + Your subsequent life comparatively uneventful? That will do + admirably—infinitely obliged to you, I am sure. It would + be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy of the + work, when issued, forwarded to you—we can do it for you + at the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in + advance—a gratifying possession for your children after + you have gone, Mr. LANE! I <i>may</i> put you down? Thank you. + For <i>two</i> copies?" (<i>On second thoughts, you do order + two copies; you can send one out to your married Sister in + Australia</i>—<i>it will amuse her.</i>) "One, two, + three, four guineas—<i>quite</i> correct, Mr. LANE, and + you shall have an early opportunity of revising a proof, and we + will send down a competent artist, in a day or two, to take the + photographs. Quite an agreeable change in the weather, is it + not? <i>Good</i> day!"</p> + + <p>He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the + photographer, and the appearance of that great work. <i>Notable + Nonentities of Norwood</i>,—and it is not at all unlikely + that you may have to wait a considerable time.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Iago on the Great Sermon Question.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public,</p> + + <p>Is the immediate jewel of their souls.</p> + + <p>Who steals my <i>sermon</i>, steals trash; 'tis + something, nothing;</p> + + <p>'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by + dozens;</p> + + <p>But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist,</p> + + <p>Robs me of that which is no good to him,</p> + + <p>And leaves me poor—in credit.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.—A new book of advice for + intending Travellers has recently been published, entitled, + "<i>Where to Stay</i>." It is both ornamental and useful; but + so much depends on ways and means, that, after careful + consideration, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, when asked "<i>Where to + Stay</i>," considers the safest answer will always be, "<i>At + home</i>."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" + id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/122.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/122.png" + alt="'CHUCKED!'" /></a> + + <h3>"CHUCKED!"</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber + having yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, + rejected a Bill legalising the <i>pari mutuel</i>, and + the Government having pledged itself to enforce the law + against gambling."—<i>Times Paris + Correspondent</i>.]</p> + </blockquote><i>The Bookie</i>. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF + TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE 'OME!" + </div> + + <h4>(<i>Extract of Letter from</i> DICKY DIDDLUM, <i>Bookmaker, + Paris, to</i> BOUNDING BOB, <i>ditto, Newmarket.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly <i>hup</i> as + the top of the Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after + all. Thought we <i>had</i> taught 'em a bit about <i>Ler + Sport</i> by this time: but, bless yer, BOB, once a Pollyvoo, + always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a 'Oss, or + knows 'ow to make a Book!</p> + + <p>"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County + Councils, dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the + Detective bizness in their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there + won't be a safe look in for a party as wants to do a nice + little flutter—unless, of course, he's a Stock-Exchange + spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines. + <i>Then</i> he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses + as much as he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French + <i>Bourse</i> 'ud get along without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss + barney, as every man as <i>is</i> a man finds the werry salt of + life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin' played down too + darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all? Why, 'No + Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact size + of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB!</p> + + <p>"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, + fur as <i>I</i> see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a + Republican, too, bless his boko! said as 'races were essential + to 'orsebreeding, and that without betting there would be no + races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.! And then they up and chuck + hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no betting, no races; no + racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's how it runs, + BOB, or I'm a sossidge!</p> + + <p>"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for + anythink. Look at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the + Hempress! Why, if <i>we</i> 'ad that duffer, DEROULÈDE, on + Newmarket 'Eath, we should just duck him in a 'orsepond, like a + copped Welsher. Here they washup him, or else knuckle under to + him, like a skeery Coster's missus when her old man's on the + mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his bloomin' + high-lows. <i>That's</i> yer high-polite French Artists and + brave booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah!</p> + + <p>"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. + MOSSOO CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would + be an end to bookmakers.' And it <i>was</i> carried, by 340 + mugs against 144 right 'uns. And arter all me and my sort has + done for Parry! It's mean, that's wot it is, BOB. P'raps + they'll chuck British <i>jockeys</i> next! Much good their + <i>Grong Pree</i>, ancetrer, will be <i>then</i>, my boy. + <i>Our</i> 'osses, <i>our</i> jockeys, <i>and</i> our bookies + has bin the making of French Sport,—and werrv nice little + pickings there's bin out of it take it all round. Wot'll <i>Ler + Hig Life</i>, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots, and miles o' + bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do for Parry + without <i>hus</i>, I wonder? We shall <i>see</i>! Ah, Madame + <i>lar Republick</i>, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your + bullyin' jondarms, for chucking o' me afore you're through. As + MAT MOPUS put it:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was all werry well to dissemble yer love,</p> + + <p>But wy did yer kick me down-stairs?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next + week, BOB. Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, + there's no place like 'ome! No!—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Mid <i>Boises</i> and Bullyvards tho' we may + roam,</p> + + <p>Be it hever so foggy, there's no place <i>like</i> + 'ome;</p> + + <p>A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport + there,</p> + + <p>Wich, look where you will, isn't met with + elsewhere.</p> + + <p class="i8">'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome,</p> + + <p>Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like + 'ome!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page123" + id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main;</p> + + <p>Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again;</p> + + <p>The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl,</p> + + <p>Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than + all.</p> + + <p class="i10">'Ome, 'ome,</p> + + <p class="i10">Sweet, sweet 'ome,</p> + + <p>With RAIKES<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a>, + LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Mean to sing <i>that</i> at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But + till then, Ta—ta!!"</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL + SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other + telegrams transmitted by the Post-office Department."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>Desdemona to the Author of "Dorian Gray."</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A propos of his paragraphic Preface.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club + corner. What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and + foolish?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING IN A NAME.—A recent theatrical announcement + informed us that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of + a Mr. HENRY DAM. If successful, imagine the audience calling + for the Author by name. If a triumph, the new dramatist will be + known as "The big, big D."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>By a Tired and Cynical Critic of Current Fiction.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen.</p> + + <p>A School? What's really wanted is a Prison.</p> + + <p>Life-long confinement far from pen and ink</p> + + <p><i>Might</i> cure the crowd of fictionists, I + <i>think</i>.</p> + + <p>Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight,</p> + + <p>Go teach the Novelist how <i>not</i> to write!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ATHLETICS.—It is said that the County Council are + resolved to forbid the popular feats of raising heavy weights, + upon the ground that it may lead to shoplifting.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.—<i>Lady B-ountiful</i> + first, at the Garrick, and <i>Lady B-arter</i> at the + Princess's.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/123.png" + alt="OLD FRIENDS." /></a> + + <h3>OLD FRIENDS.</h3> + + <p><i>Big Ben</i>. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! + JUST LOOK AT YOU AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE <i>ALWAYS</i> + TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! + IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST FRIENDS FOR + FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I + POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT + LEFT!"</p> + + <p><i>Little Dick</i> (<i>dreamily</i>). "AH, BUT YOU MUST + REMEMBER THAT I'VE <i>NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK + AGAIN!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FIRST ACT—AND THE LAST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Departmental Tragi-Comedy, in active + Rehearsal.</i>)</h4> + + <p>ACT I.—<i>The Scene represents the Interior of a + Military Instruction Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed + advanced Problems and Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, + and various Scientific Charts cover the Walls. Models of + mechanical contrivances and machinery used in the construction + of complicated Small Arms approved by the Authorities, are + scattered about in every direction.</i> TOMMY ATKINS <i>is + discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a + very lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture.</i></p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i> (<i>who has been for an hour and + a half explaining the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine + Rifle, finally approaching the end of his subject</i>). Well, + as I have fully explained before, but may state once more, so + as to firmly impress it on your memory, you will bear in mind + that the cylindrical portion will be shortened in front, the + end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, and stud + on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a small + keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while the + cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases + or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the + locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the + twenty-four different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will + be well to retain their various outside thread diameters in + your memory, specially not forgetting that those of the Butt + Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, and the Striker Keeper + Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and .116 of an inch. + Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that, if + anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you + will practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you + should be thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component + items, which, properly adjusted one with the other, make up the + whole weapon. I think I need not refer again to the "sighting," + seeing that the Lewes system is abolished, and that the weapon + is now sighted up to 3,500 yards, "dead on," no matter what the + wind may be. With this remark, I have much pleasure in placing + the rifle in your hands (<i>gives him one</i>), at the same + time advising you, if called upon to use it in the heat of + action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured to + impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head + cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have + made myself pretty clear?</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>with a grin</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. And there is nothing more you + wish to ask me?</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). Noa, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. Ah! well then, good morning. I + trust you will find it, what they assure me it is,—a most + serviceable weapon.</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>saluting</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>ACT II.—<i>The Scene represents a Field of Battle + (after the fight) in the immediate neighbourhood of London.</i> + TOMMY ATKINS <i>and the</i> Military Instructor <i>discovered + lying badly wounded amidst a heap of the slain. A European War + having broken out suddenly, from which the Country could not + escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding that it had + only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few of + these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition + provided for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is + invaded, while a Committee of Experts is still trying to settle + on a suitable cartridge for the new Magazine Rifle. The result + is, that after a couple of pitched battles, though in an + outburst of popular fury</i>, Mr. STANHOPE <i>is lynched by the + Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London capitulates, + and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on by + the</i> LORD MAYOR, <i>in the Bank of England.</i></p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i> (<i>sitting up and rubbing his + eyes</i>). Dear me! we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was + no good, after all. (<i>Recognising him.</i>) Halloa, + ATKINS!</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>with a grin</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. You remember all I told you?</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. I'm afraid that wasn't such a + serviceable weapon, after all!</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). Noa, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. Dear me! Well, we had better get + out of this! By Jove! it looks like the last Act!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the + Battle-field, the</i> Military Instructor <i>threatening to + write to the "Times," and</i> TOMMY ATKINS <i>still + grinning as Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page124" + id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/124.png" + alt="Sylvanus and Urbanus." /></a> + + <p><i>Sylvanus</i>. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE + MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!"</p> + + <p><i>Urbanus</i>. "OH—ER—YES. BUT HOW DO YOU + GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for + ——, feel that he had of fair play if he walked + into the Opposition side in a Division?"—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered + apparently dying in the hour of victory.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Faithful Aide-de-Camp</i>. The enemy run, Sir! We have + beaten them off on every side!</p> + + <p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>faintly</i>). That is well! (<i>with a + sigh</i>) and yet my heart is heavy within me! Believe me, + SMITH, I cannot die easily.</p> + + <p><i>F.A.-de-C.</i> And yet the vacancy thus created would be + found a stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, + Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Col. X.</i> I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a + politician the idea is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had + always done my duty in the House of Commons! But no, with a + view to obtaining this command, I voted against my convictions! + I supported the Government in their proposal to tax + perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I was weak + and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could + live to repair the past.</p> + + <p><i>Opposition Whip</i> (<i>suddenly springing up from behind + a limber à la</i> HAWKSHAW <i>the Detective</i>). It is + <i>not</i> too late! Return with me to Westminster forthwith. + The Third Reading is down for to-night! With a special train we + shall be in time! You can yet record your vote!</p> + + <p><i>Col. X.</i> (<i>suddenly reviving</i>). Say you so? Then + I <i>will</i> recover! I <i>will</i> do my duty!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put + permanently on the shelf, from a military point of + view!</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in <i>Scribner</i>, for + March, is interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to + be a charming people; and the Japanese women delightful as + wives; but then they can be divorced for being talkative.</p> + + <p><i>A propos</i> of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA + JOKO's capital illustrations of Hospital Nursing in <i>The + English Illustrated Magazine</i>, the Matron's room must be "an + illigant place, intoirely"; while as for amusement, if the + picture of a nurse giving a patient a cup of ink by mistake for + liquorice-water isn't a real good practical side-splitter, the + Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we come upon a + delightful little picture of "<i>The Pet of the Hospital</i>"; + and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing + Sister it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does + she marry a "Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she + must be a "great attraction," and if anything were to happen to + the Baron, and he couldn't be removed to his own palatial + residence, he would say, "Put me in a cab, drive me to the + Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty Pet's Ward."</p> + + <p>The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY + McCARTHY's "Pages on Plays" in <i>The Gentleman's Magazine</i>. + JUSTIN HUNTLY expresses his opinion that "<i>The Dancing + Girl</i> will almost certainly be the play of the season; it + will probably be the principal play of the year." "Almost + certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The Baron backs + <i>The Idler</i> against <i>The Dancing Girl</i> for a run. In + the same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short + story, called <i>Sally</i>, material that would have served + some authors for a three-volume novel.</p> + + <p>It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on + any one point with the Author of <i>Essays in Little</i>, and + in proportion to the number of the points so is the Baron's + pleasure intensified. Most intending readers of these Essays, + on taking up the book, would be less curious to ascertain what + ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER and the study of Greek, + about THÉODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES BAYLEY, the Sagas, + and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions on DICKENS + and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more popular. + The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays of + ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on + any account, omit the delightfully written and truly + appreciative article on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you + please, but finish with "<i>the last fashionable novel</i>," + wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest mood, treats us to + an excellent parody.</p> + + <p>The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this + Extra-Ordinary Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the + discharge of his duties by reading <i>Monte Carlo, and How to + Do It</i>, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. + ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following terms to his loved + Chief:—This book achieves the task of combining + extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid + dulness—not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of + low slang and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume + themselves on their marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, + which, with their usual sprightly facetiousness, they call + "Charley's Mount." They are good enough to tell such of the + travelling public as may want to get there, that the train + leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35. + Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the + steamer (Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, + where there is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead + of going by the <i>Ceinture</i>, they drove across Paris. The + greenhorns arrive at Monte Carlo, and then settle on their + quarters. Anyone but an idiot would have settled all this, and + much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly greenhorn, who wishes us + to think that "<i>il connait son Paris</i>," talks of "suppers + of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish), and + informs us that, "at the Hôtel de l'Athenée, the staff esteem + it rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, + to grin and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and + swearing British greenhorn! now I know why the French so + greatly love our countrymen. But why, oh why do you imagine + that you have discovered Monte Carlo? For the details of the + journey, and the instructions to future explorers, are set out + with a painful minuteness which not even STANLEY could rival. + As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned, picturesque + Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from the glare and + noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it scornfully, as + having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center want? + He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who are + "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The + Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the + French soldier that "the short service forty-eight-day men + don't have a very unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for + you, there's elegance! Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically + eloquent on the subject of fleas, throws in such lucid + expressions as "chin music," "gives him biff," "his craft is + thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and his + fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most + foolish greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can + imagine the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, + blatant, gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as + sportsmen, and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the + Baron to his Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with + his signature,</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" + id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> + + <h2>MORE IBSENITY!</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/125.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Dear EDITOR,—Noticing that the author of <i>The Doll's + House</i> was to have another morning, or, to use an equally + suitable epithet, mourning performance devoted to his works, I + made up my mind, after bracing up my nerves, to attend it. The + 23rd of February (the date of the proposed function) as the + second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too, distinctly + appropriate. By attending the performance—IBSEN + recommends self-execution—I sentenced myself to three + hours and a half of boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot + help feeling that whatever my past may have been, the penance + paid to wipe it out was excessive, and therefore rendered it + unnecessary that I should attend a second performance announced + for last week.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmershölm</i> is in four Acts and one Scene—a + room in <i>Rosmer's</i> House. Act I. <i>Rector Kroll</i>, who + is the brother-in-law of <i>Pastor Rosmer</i>, calls upon the + latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the Conservative + interest. <i>Kroll</i> (who, by the way, is a married man) + before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild + flirtation with <i>Rebecca West</i>, a female of a certain age, + who has taken up her abode for some years in the Rector's + house. And here I may observe that the Rector's housekeeper, + <i>Madame Helseth</i>, presumably a highly respectable person, + although she has excellent reasons, from the first, for + believing that the relations between her Master and + <i>Rebecca</i> are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic + arrangements of the Rosmer <i>ménage</i> with hearty + acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm. <i>Rosmer</i> interrupts + the Rector's <i>tête-à -tête</i> with the fascinating + <i>Rebecca</i>, and declines the proffered editorship, because + he is a Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,—no action + to speak of, but a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we + learn that the late <i>Mrs. Rosmer</i> has committed suicide, + because she was informed that the apostate Pastor could only + save his villainy from exposure by giving immediately the + position of wife to her friend <i>Rebecca</i>. She has had this + tip on the most reliable authority,—it has been furnished + by <i>Rebecca</i> herself. Then the Pastor asks <i>Rebecca</i> + to marry him, but is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it + be that she has tired of her guilty passion. In Act III. + <i>Rebecca</i> admits to the widower and his brother-in-law + that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares to decamp. In + the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has been in + love with <i>Rebecca</i> from the first, loves her now, but is + not sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this + point, will she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as + to jump into the mill-stream, and drown herself? With + pleasure—and she takes a header! He explains that + courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and follows her + example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily!</p> + + <p>And this is the plot! And what about the characters? + <i>Rebecca</i> is merely a hysterical old maid, who would have + been set right, in the time of the Tudors, with a sound + ducking; and nowadays, had she consulted a fashionable + physician, she would have been probably ordered a sea-voyage, + and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is a feeble, fickle + fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in his life. + He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that she + married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an + entirely convincing nature. The <i>Rector Kroll</i> is a prig + and a bore of the first water. When he discovers + <i>Rebecca's</i> perfidy, he suggests that she may have + inherited her proneness for treachery from her + father—and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the + name of a gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a + parent! The best line in the piece, to my mind—and it + certainly "went with a roar"—is a question of the + housekeeper—answered in the negative—"Have you ever + seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! + Pretentious twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it + less idiotic. And <i>so</i> dull!</p> + + <p>As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I + dislike undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my + opinion is shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic + of <i>Truth</i>, wrote last week—"The few independent + persons who have sat out a play by IBSEN, be it <i>The Doll's + House</i>, or <i>The Pillars of Society</i>, or + <i>Rosmershölm</i>, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff + before the playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, + remove your <i>claque</i>, exhaust your attendance of the + socialist and the sexless, and then see where your IBSEN will + be.' I have never known an audience that cared to pay to be + bored, and the over-vaunted <i>Rosmershölm</i> bored even the + Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their + martyrdom! I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have + never seen a dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I + wish I could say as much, and I shall be surprised if you do + not appreciate the feeling, after you too have partaken of this + truly Lenten fare. Yours sincerely,</p> + + <p class="author">ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN—AT A DISTANCE.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>STRIKING TIMES.</h2> + + <h3>NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Labouring Elector.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to + my song.</p> + + <p>The times should much amuse you; you are up, and + going strong.</p> + + <p>The Working Men of England at length begin to + see</p> + + <p>That <i>their</i> parsnips for to butter now the + Parties all agree.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>It's high time that the Working Men should have + it their own way,</i></p> + + <p><i>And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter + every day!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it + strikes me so.</p> + + <p>Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must + go.</p> + + <p>NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an + artful plan;</p> + + <p>But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY + MANN!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus</i>—It's high time, &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and + M.P.'s,</p> + + <p>Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we + darn please.</p> + + <p>Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his + neighbour;</p> + + <p>Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they + <i>all</i> love <i>Labour</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus</i>—It's high time, &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he <i>looks</i> as + hard as nails,</p> + + <p>But when he wants to butter <i>us</i>, the Dorset + never fails;</p> + + <p>He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and + messy.</p> + + <p>He <i>couldn't</i> flummerify us more were each of + us a JESSE!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus</i>—It's high time, &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; <i>his</i> + treacle's pretty thick;</p> + + <p><i>He</i> gives the Tories the straight + tip,—and don't they take it—quick?</p> + + <p>And now, by Jove, it's comical!—where + <i>will</i> the fashion end?—</p> + + <p>There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine + Labourer's Friend!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus</i>—It's high time, &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's + drawing nigh,</p> + + <p>And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll + <i>promise</i> for to try.</p> + + <p>They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty + Labouring Host,</p> + + <p>Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have + you all on toast!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>It's high time that the Working Men should have + it their own way.</i></p> + + <p><i>They'll strain their throats,—you mind your + votes, and you may find it pay!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WILDE FLOWERS.</h2> + + <p>Some other fellow, in the <i>P.M.G.</i>, has been beforehand + with us in spotting "A Preface to <i>Dorian Gray</i>," by our + OSCAR WILDE-r than ever, in this month's <i>Fortnightly. Dorian + Gray</i> was published some considerable time ago, so it + belongs to ancient history, and now, after this lapse of time, + out comes the preface. And this "preface" occupies the better + part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of two pages; + which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows of + bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant + aphorisms. The rule of the arrangement seems to be.—"when + in doubt, plant asterisks." <i>Sic itur ad astra.</i> The + garden is open to all, let us cull; here one and there one. + "<i>To reveal Art and conceal the Artist, is Art's aim.</i>" Is + there not in this the scent of "<i>Ars est celare artem</i>"? + "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "<i>Puris omnia + pura</i>" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if + I mistake not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to + the stalk of another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to + "adapt" Scripture to one's purpose is not to quote it. <i>Vade + retro!</i> Do we not recognise something familiar in "<i>When + Critics disagree the Artist is in accord with himself?</i>"</p> + + <p>But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is + over, then arises the despairing cry of our own cherished + OSCAR. It is in the <i>Last of the Aphorisms</i>; after which, + exhausted, he can only sign his name, fling away the + goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious arm-chair + exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into + the work of one short hour. Ah! "<i>La plupart des livres d'à + présent ont l'air d'avoir été faits en un jour avec des livres + lus de la veille.</i>" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, + RIVAROL, and JEAN MORLÉ. "<i>Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!</i> + Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let us be natural, or shut up + shop. Yet there is a chance,—to be supernatural. The + great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among the gods, + open to any aspirant for immortality. "<i>All Art is quite + useless!</i>" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? + "Is this the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word—for the + present. Pan is dead! <i>Vive</i> Pannikin!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" + id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/126.png" + alt="'CES AUTRES.'" /></a> + + <h3>"CES AUTRES."</h3>(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.) + + <p><i>Captain Bergamot</i>. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN + THE SERVICE, MISS DE BULLION?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss de Bullion</i>. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, + AND—A—" (<i>with disgust</i>)—"THE REST + IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF SYMPATHY.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Some Way after a celebrated Boating Song.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the + Colonies continued separate they must become hostile + communities, and, in order that they might prevent that, it + was for the whole people to join in creating one great + Union Government."—REUTER.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, <i>an Old Blue, and a sympathetic + on-looker, loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Capital boating weather!</p> + + <p class="i2">Ay, and a favouring breeze!</p> + + <p>Oars upon the feather!</p> + + <p class="i2">Sun of the Southern Seas!</p> + + <p>Brave boys! Swing together,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your bodies between your knees!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pheugh! How old memory rushes</p> + + <p class="i2">Over me!—Pulled indeed!</p> + + <p>Though LEO seldom gushes,</p> + + <p class="i2">And these be of LEO's breed,</p> + + <p>The blood of an Old Blue flushes</p> + + <p class="i2">At the Young Blues' power and speed!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Coach them, or patronise them?</p> + + <p class="i2">Nay, I've no call for that.</p> + + <p>To cheer them, not to advise them,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm on this path,—that's pat!</p> + + <p>Affection admiringly eyes them:—</p> + + <p class="i2">Once in a boat I sat!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pulled my weight at a pinch,</p> + + <p class="i2">For odds cared never a "cuss;"</p> + + <p>No stern-chase caused me to flinch,</p> + + <p class="i2">But—always detested fuss.</p> + + <p>Strain the last ounce, and inch!</p> + + <p class="i2">Races are won, boys, <i>thus</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Look a most likely lot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lionlets lithe and young.</p> + + <p>Pace? They will make it hot.</p> + + <p class="i2">Few can have feathered and swung</p> + + <p>Better. Tall talk is rot;</p> + + <p class="i2">But, hang it! I <i>must</i> give + tongue!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales,"</p> + + <p class="i2">"Australia South" and "West,"</p> + + <p>"Victoria,"—each one scales</p> + + <p class="i2">Good weight, and with girth of chest;</p> + + <p>"New Zealand's" zeal prevails,</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll swing in time with the rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The hero born of Thetis</p> + + <p class="i2">Had pluck enow. What then?</p> + + <p>Each hero here, whose meat is</p> + + <p class="i2">"Hard steak and harder hen,"</p> + + <p>As stalwart and as fleet is</p> + + <p class="i2">As the Greek first of men!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Stroke" sets it long and steady;</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>That</i> gladdens a true Old Blue.</p> + + <p>There's nothing hot and heady</p> + + <p class="i2">In sturdy Number Two.</p> + + <p>There are coxens sharp and ready</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Land of the Kangaroo!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Go it, lads! Swing together!</p> + + <p class="i2">Push elders from their stools?</p> + + <p>Pooh! <i>I</i> shall moult no feather;</p> + + <p class="i2">Old boys are not always old fools.</p> + + <p>Out upon jealous blether!</p> + + <p class="i2">You've learnt in the best of schools.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I want to see you win, lads;</p> + + <p class="i2">Old LEO loves his cubs.</p> + + <p>If cynics growl or grin, lads,</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll drive them back to their tubs.</p> + + <p>Do you think my blood's so thin, lads,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd diet upon cold snubs?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The cynics think they're clever;</p> + + <p class="i2">Beshrew their big bow-wow!</p> + + <p>Boys, swing together ever,</p> + + <p class="i2">Steady from stroke to bow;</p> + + <p>One chain shall sever never—</p> + + <p class="i2">The love-links round us now!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHAT'S IN A NAME?</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will someone gifted with the <i>nous</i>,</p> + + <p>Explain the "why" of Spinning House?</p> + + <p>Is it to strike with wholesome fear</p> + + <p>The thoughtless Maiden whose career</p> + + <p>Looks like a sinning one?</p> + + <p>And thus the Judge her conscience wakes,</p> + + <p>Since he, when passing sentence, takes</p> + + <p>Good care to name a <i>Spinning</i> one?</p> + + <p>Or is it that in such a habitation,</p> + + <p>Herself a spinster more at home might feel;</p> + + <p>And in a Spinning House find occupation,</p> + + <p>Provided with a decent spinning-wheel;</p> + + <p>But there,—no matter whence it came,</p> + + <p>Or what's the meaning hidden in its name,</p> + + <p>About its destination there's no fear;</p> + + <p>And judging from a noted recent case,</p> + + <p>The Spinning House will,—it is pretty + clear,—</p> + + <p>Itself be soon sent spinning into space.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Is a husband worth having?" asks <i>Woman</i>. One reply + would be, "Well, that depends on whose husband it is." But, by + the way, this view was not under consideration.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" + id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/127.png" + alt="'ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!'" /></a> + + <h3>"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"</h3>BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, + BOYS!—SWING TOGETHER!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" + id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> + + <h2>A WILD WELCOME.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>February's reign of gloom</p> + + <p class="i2">Out of mind and sight is,</p> + + <p>Noonday darkness of the tomb,</p> + + <p class="i2">Carbon and bronchitis.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though the air is keen and chill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cloudy though the skies are,</p> + + <p>Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Free from smart our eyes are.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bursting on the lengthening day</p> + + <p class="i2">Bellows March the Viking,</p> + + <p>"I have blown the fogs away;</p> + + <p class="i2">Is this to your liking?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead</p> + + <p class="i2">Sets the spirits bounding,</p> + + <p>Like the Major's chartered steed</p> + + <p class="i2">At the trumpet's sounding.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Welcome, roaring moon of dust,</p> + + <p class="i2">Welcome, Spring's reviver;</p> + + <p>On the race again we must</p> + + <p class="i2">Risk the wonted fiver;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fields are showing brighter green,</p> + + <p class="i2">Early buds are shooting;</p> + + <p>On the early youth is seen</p> + + <p class="i2">The new season's suiting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long it is since sparrows shrill</p> + + <p class="i2">With their chirping woke us;</p> + + <p>There is one with busy bill</p> + + <p class="i2">Worrying a crocus.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How they love the flow'r of spring—</p> + + <p class="i2">Never can resist it;</p> + + <p>What a graceful little thing—</p> + + <p class="i2">Bother, I have miss'd it!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now the wind along the plain</p> + + <p class="i2">Comes with roar and clatter—</p> + + <p>There, my hat is off again!</p> + + <p class="i2">Let it go—no matter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What am I, to say thee nay</p> + + <p class="i2">In thy rudest phases?</p> + + <p>Blow my Sunday hat away.</p> + + <p class="i2">Blow my hat to blazes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis but little we can do</p> + + <p class="i2">For thy bounty's measure—</p> + + <p>Sacrifice a hat or two?</p> + + <p class="i2">Forty hats, with pleasure.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK.</h2> + + <h4><i>From the Railway Improvement Phrase-Book.</i></h4> + + <p>That Nursery-maid with the three children and the + perambulator will certainly get run over by the train if she + stands there gossiping with the man in the signal-box.</p> + + <p>That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown + its rider this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing + engine.</p> + + <p>So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the + Gardens, and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm + that has taken the contract for the making of the new line.</p> + + <p>Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching + right across the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable + hatch-houses, puffing steam-cranes, and processions of + mud-carts, rather interfere with the beauty and tranquillity of + the place, but one must really bear in mind <i>that it is, + after all, only to last for live years.</i></p> + + <p>Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under + that luggage-train.</p> + + <p>It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget + the inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public + being able to get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for + twopence.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.—No man has a vote until he + has attained his majority. How about some districts where they + are nearly all Miners?</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN—TO DINNER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Dinner-Belle.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>No. II.—DON JUAN SENIOR.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To share with men the prandial gloom</p> + + <p class="i2">Of union forced that fatal custom</p> + + <p>Decrees to wither "youth and bloom,"</p> + + <p class="i2">(The phrase is from <i>Sohrab and + Rustum</i>)</p> + + <p>I've suffered boredom to the full;</p> + + <p class="i2">Professors dull—of Hindostani!</p> + + <p>Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull—</p> + + <p class="i2">He wasn't dull—was Don + GIOVANNI.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A widower <i>fêted</i> far and wide,</p> + + <p class="i2">The jauntiest Rake who drinks the + waters,</p> + + <p>Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride</p> + + <p class="i2">And terror of his decent daughters;</p> + + <p><i>Old</i> Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm</p> + + <p class="i2">Flirtations, free to fling his cash + on</p> + + <p>The dining Duchess, "mould of form!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Antique, good-looking "glass of + fashion."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/129.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He gossiped how the Viscount bets</p> + + <p class="i2">(Some heiress he must really "pick + up"),</p> + + <p>How noble dames smoke cigarettes</p> + + <p class="i2">And noble heels in ballets kick up.</p> + + <p>How "H.R.H."—<i>n'importe!</i> my friend</p> + + <p class="i2">Experience shows me that the + <i>laches</i></p> + + <p>Of such as air these letters tend</p> + + <p class="i2">In the direction of their "H"'s.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He chatted next of German Spas,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Continental, English "P.B.'s,"</p> + + <p>And how our matchmaking Mammas</p> + + <p class="i2">Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes,</p> + + <p>How he with Royalties had graced</p> + + <p class="i2">The latest function—genial + patrons—</p> + + <p>While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced</p> + + <p class="i2">Before the virtuous British matrons.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then his compliments began</p> + + <p class="i2">To rain like drops of Frangipanni,</p> + + <p>A most insinuating man</p> + + <p class="i2">He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI.</p> + + <p>You felt, if you could half believe,</p> + + <p class="i2">You'd but to word a whim to find it,</p> + + <p>You quite forgot he owned a sleeve,</p> + + <p class="i2">And several teeth to laugh behind it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There may be kindness, lofty souls,</p> + + <p class="i2">Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows + older,</p> + + <p><i>Him</i> the Material controls:</p> + + <p class="i2">He shrugs a sleek, good-natured + shoulder.</p> + + <p>Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke;</p> + + <p class="i2">Your choicest vintage passes; e'en + your</p> + + <p>Supreme tobacco ends in smoke—</p> + + <p class="i2">And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is + proposed to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England + and France.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>SONGS BY A CYNIC.</h3> + + <h4>LOVE.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What's Love, and all that Love can bring,</p> + + <p class="i2">Youth's earliest illusion:</p> + + <p>What tender words <i>she</i> used to sing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And blush with sweet confusion.</p> + + <p>How you would hang upon each word,</p> + + <p class="i2">When under spells of Cupid;</p> + + <p>When half she said was most absurd,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all extremely stupid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You loved her for her hair of gold.</p> + + <p class="i2">Unwitting that she dyed it;</p> + + <p>She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though Time had never tried it.</p> + + <p>Your worship came to such a pass,</p> + + <p class="i2">That, when you calmly view it,</p> + + <p>You feel you were an utter ass,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though then you never knew it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What happened? Why, the usual thing:</p> + + <p class="i2">While round her you would linger,</p> + + <p>Her love was fragile as the ring</p> + + <p class="i2">You bought to grace her finger.</p> + + <p>She went off with another man,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so you had to sever:</p> + + <p>Thus women since the world began</p> + + <p class="i2">Have done, and will do ever.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER.</h3> + + <p>I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up + to a festival called "<i>The Coming Race</i>." I was there at + the opening on Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, + attended by her husband, Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared + the Bazaar open. A gay and festive scene. Here, there, and + everywhere, Egyptian houses made of cardboard, containing + stalls full of the most useful articles imaginable. On the + daïs, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting purses + (containing £3 3<i>s.</i> and upwards) to the Princess, who + received them with an affability which won the hearts of all + beholders. On the floor of the building was a gaily-dressed + throng, which included many a distinguished person. The revelry + continued for three days, and was, I trust, the means of + obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt, is most + deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much + at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere + else.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>FÊTE OR FATE?</h3> + + <h4>OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH.</h4> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Impressionist.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lights and bouquets—flush and flare—</p> + + <p>Motley medley—splash affair—</p> + + <p>Deft disguises—flute and fife—</p> + + <p>Half the world without his wife—</p> + + <p>Dominos, and masks, and faces—</p> + + <p>Graces three—and three Disgraces.</p> + + <p>Jacks-in-boxes—tambour-majors—</p> + + <p>Janes in office—ancient stagers—</p> + + <p>REYNOLDS' Duchess—Shepherdesses;</p> + + <p>(Burlington) Arcadian tresses—</p> + + <p>Primrose damsels,—clowns and + follies,—</p> + + <p>Organ-grinders—Flemish dollies—</p> + + <p>Macaronis, rather muddy,</p> + + <p>Of the central stud a study—</p> + + <p>England's mashers, Afric's dark sons—</p> + + <p>NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's—</p> + + <p>All costumes not apt the back to,</p> + + <p>Some of them inclined to crack too—</p> + + <p>Martyred revellers in upper</p> + + <p>Rooms, and singing for their supper.</p> + + <p>Bright confusion—many a mad hunt—</p> + + <p>Five o'clock—<i>and wish I hadn't.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH + CENTURY.—Revival of <i>Charles the First</i>!!! (at the + Lyceum).</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" + id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/130.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/130.png" + alt="Arthur Golfour." /></a> + + <h3>ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. No. 2.—ARTHUR + GOLFOUR.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" + id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span> + + <h3>MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What are you doing, my pretty Maid?"</p> + + <p>"I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"May I question you, my pretty Maid?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"Who is your father, my pretty Maid?"</p> + + <p>"JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?"</p> + + <p>"My race is my fortune, Sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!"</p> + + <p>"Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.—<i>Mr. Punch</i>, + Perpetual Universal Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, + congratulates H.R.H., Grand Master of English Freemasons, on + his plucky and straightforward action with regard to the G.M. + of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, having contravened + the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878, may now exclaim, + in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some great + Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once + frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was + <i>not</i> Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>RECIPROCITY.—"MACE," in <i>The Illustrated London + News</i>, says, sweepingly:—"No Under-Secretary ever has + any opinion of his own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom + has any opinion of an Under-Secretary!</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/131-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/131-1.png" + alt="AMERICAN 'COPYRIGHT BILL.'" /></a> + + <h3>AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART.</h3> + + <h4>"DIE, VILLAIN!"</h4>"The extinction of literary piracy + in America has been decreed."—<i>Times Leader, March + 5.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 2.</i>—Navy + Estimates on to-night. Millions of money to be voted, and only + fourteen Members present. One, it is true, is HARCOURT; so + perhaps the most accurate enumeration of the aggregate would be + fifteen.</p> + + <p>"<i>Que diable allait-il faire dans ce</i> jolly-boat?" + GEORGE HAMILTON asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant + occupation of tearing up strips of paper to glance across table + at portly figure reclining on Front Opposition Bench. Several + Admirals and Captains have spoken. Members generally have fled + the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's sense of duty to his + Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; but CASABIANCA + HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the Old Salts + descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying + toleration with which he listens. Doesn't <i>say</i> they're + all wrong, but smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating + COLOMB falters when, glancing round the great gaps of empty + Benches opposite, his eye falls on HARCOURT.</p> + + <p>"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had + contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed + since commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the + United Kingdom has increased only one-and-a-half times, while + that of the outlying Empire has multiplied five-fold."</p> + + <p>General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every + department of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought + that at least he knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; + knows more than Admiral FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even + Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and delivered slashing speech, + laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as if he had been set up in + the Place Vendôme; reviewing the British Fleet in masterly + style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting Jerusalem + and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First Lord + of the Admiralty.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:19%;"> + <a href="images/131-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/131-2.png" + alt="Kerans." /></a>Something more than his full + height. + </div> + + <p>"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more + than his full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I + ever heard, even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our + side. HOWORTH knows a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking + in accomplishment; but for versatility, for profundity of + knowledge, for readiness of grasp, whether the object be a + lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the Exchequer's ledger, the + hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship, give me + HARCOURT."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Committee on the Navy + Estimates.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about + the Fog? Couldn't something be done to lighten it, say by + appointment of Royal Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across + House upon his young friend with expression of almost paternal + solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the allied force. What did he + mean by suddenly springing this question on the First Lord of + the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye? Had it + something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the + Union?</p> + + <p>CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring + straight into space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, + with hat cunningly tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have + lain far in their pellucid depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly + absorbed in the brown gaiters he has recently added to the + graces of his personal appearance, in pathetic admission that + the natural charms of youth are at length fading.</p> + + <p>Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the + Union really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden + behind the smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The + only thing to do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD + MORALITY, was to meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, + plain enough as it appeared in print on the prosaic Orders, + was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers consider the advisability of + appointing a Royal Commission to examine and report how far the + evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by legislation?"</p> + + <p>"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to + assure my Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in + common with other inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely + sensible of the serious injury, disturbance, and hardship + inflicted by the increasing prevalence of fog. What, it may be + asked, is the cause of the London fog? These fogs, which occur + generally in the winter time, are occasioned thus: some current + of air, being suddenly cooled, descends into the warm streets, + forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the earth. But, my + Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every night? I + will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's + Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our + wish is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever + part of the House they sit. Fogs—this I have no + hesitation in stating—do not supervene without + intermission on successive nights, because the air will always + hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies + according to its temperature, and when the air is not + saturated, it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. + Yes, I know. My Right Hon. Friend, the Member + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page132" + id="page132"></a>[pg 132]</span> for West Birmingham, with + his usual acumen—which I am sure we all + recognise—asks me, In what circumstances do fogs occur + at night? I am much obliged to him for reminding me of the + point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has been saturated + with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it + deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form + known in rural districts—as my Hon. Friend, the Member + for the Bordesley Division, is well aware—as dew. In + the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog. This process of + deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the air for + holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing + night. I think I have now answered the question of my Noble + Friend fully, and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, + upon consideration, see that this is not a matter with which + a Royal Commission could be expected successfully to cope, + and, therefore, I may add, Her Majesty's Government do not, + after full consideration of their duty to the QUEEN and + Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion thrown + out by my Noble Friend."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/132-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/132-1.png" + alt="Bramston Beach." /></a>Feeling his Way through + the Fog. + </div> + + <p>BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; + remained very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes + to eleven he thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's + meaning. "Yes," he added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling + my way through the fog."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution + negatived by 291 Votes against 189.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—In Lords to-night, three white + figures fluttered down gently on to red Benches, like virgin + flakes of snow. But, unlike snow, they didn't melt. On close + examination, turned out to be three new Bishops; two of them + old friends, with new titles.</p> + + <p>"Like <i>Bottom</i>, translated," BRAMWELL growls.</p> + + <p>Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back + Archbishop of York. The ceremony of their installation not + nearly so comic as that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter + King-at-Arms does not appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any + game of Follow-my-leader round the Benches.</p> + + <p>"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says + has no strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would + never do. Must be careful with our Bishops."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/132-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/132-2.png" + alt="The Inflammable Liquor Bill." /></a>The + Inflammable Liquor Bill. + </div> + + <p>So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the + LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal + Bench, folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent + an added air of peace and purity to the precincts.</p> + + <p>DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had + promised to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill, + limiting duration of Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons, + whilst ATKINSON turned his attention to his Dowagers Bill.</p> + + <p>"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes + thought an alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition + between two estates of the realm, might work great things. But + I'm beginning to lose confidence in him. At certain periods of + the lunar month he's too comprehensive in his legislative + ambition. Why wasn't he content with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why + drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers, dear TOBY, have, if I may + say so—using the phrase strictly in Parliamentary + sense—got their arms round the neck of my friend + ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, + between us, we could have put things straight generally."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Navy Estimates in Commons.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—PHILIPPE EGALITÉ very rarely troubles + House with ordered speech. A good deal on his mind looking + after JACOBY, and keeping the Party straight. But his silence + doesn't arise from incapacity to speak. This shown to-night in + his speech on Railway Rates and Charges. Full of good matter, + admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK proposed to discuss + Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about it particularly. + So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the chief + <i>Business done</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A New Song to an Old Tune.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern + pate,</p> + + <p>Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of + State,</p> + + <p>Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old + rate,</p> + + <p>With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his + gate;</p> + + <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor, all of + the modern time.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse + of time"</p> + + <p>(He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more + sublime;</p> + + <p>For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must + obey.</p> + + <p>And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial + way,</p> + + <p class="i6">Of this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) + "he'd not oppose."</p> + + <p>Social reform or Education <i>he</i>'d not treat as + foes,</p> + + <p>But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might + trip his toes,</p> + + <p>And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it + (by the nose?),</p> + + <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now surely this is better far than all the old + parade</p> + + <p>Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade;</p> + + <p>And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be + said,</p> + + <p>Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow <i>he knows his + trade</i>,</p> + + <p class="i6">Does this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There were some who did not like it,—there are + always such, one knows,</p> + + <p>Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style + oppose.</p> + + <p>Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not + see</p> + + <p>Laying down his long-held power, and submitting + tranquilly</p> + + <p class="i6">To this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>He</i> was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love + the plough,</p> + + <p>So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, + roused lots of row.</p> + + <p>For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon + the shelf,</p> + + <p>Found that long control of others did <i>not</i> + mean control of self,</p> + + <p class="i6"><i>Or</i> this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to + lead the dance,</p> + + <p>Has a very trying <i>vis-à -vis</i>, that fractious + dame, <i>La France</i>,</p> + + <p>To keep step with that lady, without treading on her + train,</p> + + <p>Would tax Terpsichore herself; <i>he</i> finds the + effort vain;</p> + + <p class="i6">Does this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish + task,</p> + + <p>That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact + will task.</p> + + <p>Let us wish him patriot wisdom, <i>and</i> respect + for Elder Fame,</p> + + <p>And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a + noble name,</p> + + <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor, all of + the modern time!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A ROUGH CROSSING.</h3> + + <p>That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, + and his head covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just + returned from fighting the Dacoits in Upper Burmah?</p> + + <p>I certainly <i>am</i> surprised when you inform me that he + has only tried to cross a London street in a fog.</p> + + <p>Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just + thundered past at twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was + <i>not</i> a fire-engine, but only a covered Van?</p> + + <p>Yes, I believe it <i>is</i> a fact that special beds in all + the Hospitals are now reserved for Van-victims.</p> + + <p>Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to + the Rear; still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so + much like a highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your + life!"</p> + + <p>If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van + will have to carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with + it.</p> + + <p>What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting + angrily? Oh, I suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over + by the Coal-waggon and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is + remonstrating with the driver?</p> + + <p>What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing + the old gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way?</p> + + <p>I <i>have</i> heard that the Insurance Companies now insert + in their policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any + street in London, except under police escort.</p> + + <p>And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down + in the streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time + that something were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in + his wild career?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13186 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13186-h/images/121-1.png b/13186-h/images/121-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..caeb8db --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/121-1.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/121-2.png b/13186-h/images/121-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3902894 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/121-2.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/122.png b/13186-h/images/122.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c07460b --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/122.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/123.png b/13186-h/images/123.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e87aa82 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/123.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/124.png b/13186-h/images/124.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..765b734 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/124.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/125.png b/13186-h/images/125.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..977fb08 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/125.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/126.png b/13186-h/images/126.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e0e5331 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/126.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/127.png b/13186-h/images/127.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8669c66 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/127.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/129.png b/13186-h/images/129.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ab5090 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/129.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/130.png b/13186-h/images/130.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9e5b26 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/130.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/131-1.png b/13186-h/images/131-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a19f022 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/131-1.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/131-2.png b/13186-h/images/131-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e3dc2a --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/131-2.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/132-1.png b/13186-h/images/132-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f54ae1f --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/132-1.png diff --git a/13186-h/images/132-2.png b/13186-h/images/132-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ad84a90 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-h/images/132-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8d05133 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13186 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13186) diff --git a/old/13186-8.txt b/old/13186-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..952c513 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13186-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1832 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. +March 14, 1891., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. March 14, 1891. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 15, 2004 [EBook #13186] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 14, 1891. + + + + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. III.--THE BIOGRAPHER. + +We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take a +further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, who +has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of a +suburban villa--let us say at Norwood. You are in your dining-room, +examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather holds up, you +will take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you +are told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on +particular business." The very word excites you, not unpleasantly, +nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's business, or the District +Board, or the County Council--it is enough that your experience and +practical knowledge of affairs are in request--and, better still, +it will give you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own +importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, with +red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in documents which he has +brought with him in a black bag. + +[Illustration: "Your Visitor has his Note-book out."] + +"I _have_ the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I think?" he says. +"Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself extremely fortunate +in finding you at home, I assure you, and a very charming place +you have here--abundant evidence of a refined and cultivated mind, +excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I may +say so, elegant in the extreme--as was to be expected! Even from the +cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lend +itself admirably to picturesque description--which brings me to the +object of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope of +eliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compiling--a +work which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your +wide culture and interest in literary matters." (_Here you will look +as judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a +new Encyclopædia, or an illustrated edition of_ SHAKSPEARE's _works_.) +"The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, _Notable Nonentities +of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely, +rather taken by the title._) "It will be published very shortly, by +subscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up in +the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted, +and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is my +ambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every living +celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will +be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely +new process upon India and Japanese paper; everything--type, ink, +paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers being +determined to spare no expense in making it a book of reference +superior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (_As he pauses +fur breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a +work, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing--but that, for +your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting the +Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you_--) + +"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I should +not dream of expecting you to _subscribe_ to such a work. But, in +my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone +that care and research can effect to render the work complete--and +it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to +so distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("_Oh, pooh--nonsense!" +You will say at this--but you will sit down again_) "Norwood is a +singularly favoured locality. Sir; its charms have induced many of our +foremost men to select it for their _rus in urbe_. Why, in this very +road--May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with Alderman +MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to furnish me with many +interesting details of his personal career, a photo-gravured portrait +of him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of +'The Drudgeries,' and a bit from the back-garden." (_You do know_ +MINCING--_and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the absurd +vanity of the man_--_a mere nobody, away from the City!_) "Between +ourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed +your expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted +in allotting Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider +himself entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable +man, does _not_ appeal to the popular imagination as others I could +mention do--he is just a _little_ commonplace!" ("_Shrewd follow, +this!" you think to yourself--"Got_ MINCING's _measure!_") "But I +should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now, +would give me all the personal information you think proper to make +public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and +artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I +do trust that you will see your way to--" (_At first, you suggest that +you must talk it over with your Wife--but you presently see that if_ +MINCING _and men of that calibre are to be in this, you cannot, for +your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor soon has his note-book +out._) "Any remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE? +A strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to black-beetles--both +of which you still retain? Thank you, _very_ much. And you were +educated? At Dulborough Grammar School? Just _so_! Never took to +Latin, or learned Greek? Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves +thus early--curious, _indeed_! Entered your father's office as +clerk? Became a partner? Married your present lady--when? In 1860? +Exactly!--and have offspring? Your subsequent life comparatively +uneventful? That will do admirably--infinitely obliged to you, I am +sure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy +of the work, when issued, forwarded to you--we can do it for you at +the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance--a gratifying +possession for your children after you have gone, Mr. LANE! I _may_ +put you down? Thank you. For _two_ copies?" (_On second thoughts, +you do order two copies; you can send one out to your married +Sister in Australia_--_it will amuse her._) "One, two, three, four +guineas--_quite_ correct, Mr. LANE, and you shall have an early +opportunity of revising a proof, and we will send down a competent +artist, in a day or two, to take the photographs. Quite an agreeable +change in the weather, is it not? _Good_ day!" + +[Illustration: "You may have to wait."] + +He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer, +and the appearance of that great work. _Notable Nonentities of +Norwood_,--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait +a considerable time. + + * * * * * + +IAGO ON THE GREAT SERMON QUESTION. + + Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public, + Is the immediate jewel of their souls. + Who steals my _sermon_, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; + 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens; + But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist, + Robs me of that which is no good to him, + And leaves me poor--in credit. + + * * * * * + +"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.--A new book of advice for intending +Travellers has recently been published, entitled, "_Where to Stay_." +It is both ornamental and useful; but so much depends on ways and +means, that, after careful consideration, _Mr. Punch_, when asked +"_Where to Stay_," considers the safest answer will always be, "_At +home_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CHUCKED!" + + ["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber having + yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, rejected a Bill + legalising the _pari mutuel_, and the Government having + pledged itself to enforce the law against gambling."--_Times + Paris Correspondent_.] + +_The Bookie_. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE +LIKE 'OME!"] + +(_EXTRACT OF LETTER FROM_ DICKY DIDDLUM, _BOOKMAKER, PARIS, TO_ +BOUNDING BOB, _DITTO, NEWMARKET._) + +"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly _hup_ as the top of the +Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after all. Thought we _had_ +taught 'em a bit about _Ler Sport_ by this time: but, bless yer, BOB, +once a Pollyvoo, always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a +'Oss, or knows 'ow to make a Book! + +"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County Councils, +dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the Detective bizness in +their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there won't be a safe look in for +a party as wants to do a nice little flutter--unless, of course, he's +a Stock-Exchange spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines. +_Then_ he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses as much as +he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French _Bourse_ 'ud get along +without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss barney, as every man as _is_ a man +finds the werry salt of life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin' +played down too darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all? +Why, 'No Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact +size of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB! + +"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, fur as _I_ +see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a Republican, too, bless his boko! +said as 'races were essential to 'orsebreeding, and that without +betting there would be no races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.! +And then they up and chuck hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no +betting, no races; no racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's +how it runs, BOB, or I'm a sossidge! + +"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for anythink. Look +at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the Hempress! Why, if +_we_ 'ad that duffer, DEROULÈDE, on Newmarket 'Eath, we should just +duck him in a 'orsepond, like a copped Welsher. Here they washup him, +or else knuckle under to him, like a skeery Coster's missus when +her old man's on the mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his +bloomin' high-lows. _That's_ yer high-polite French Artists and brave +booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah! + +"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. MOSSOO +CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would be an end to +bookmakers.' And it _was_ carried, by 340 mugs against 144 right 'uns. +And arter all me and my sort has done for Parry! It's mean, that's +wot it is, BOB. P'raps they'll chuck British _jockeys_ next! Much good +their _Grong Pree_, ancetrer, will be _then_, my boy. _Our_ 'osses, +_our_ jockeys, _and_ our bookies has bin the making of French +Sport,--and werrv nice little pickings there's bin out of it take it +all round. Wot'll _Ler Hig Life_, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots, +and miles o' bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do +for Parry without _hus_, I wonder? We shall _see_! Ah, Madame _lar +Republick_, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your bullyin' jondarms, +for chucking o' me afore you're through. As MAT MOPUS put it:-- + + It was all werry well to dissemble yer love, + But wy did yer kick me down-stairs? + +Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next week, BOB. +Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, there's no place +like 'ome! No!-- + + 'Mid _Boises_ and Bullyvards tho' we may roam, + Be it hever so foggy, there's no place _like_ 'ome; + A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport there, + Wich, look where you will, isn't met with elsewhere. + 'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome, + Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like 'ome! + + A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main; + Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again; + The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl, + Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all. + 'Ome, 'ome, + Sweet, sweet 'ome, + With RAIKES[1], LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome. + +"Mean to sing _that_ at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But till then, +Ta--ta!!" + +[Footnote 1: Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL +SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegrams +transmitted by the Post-office Department."] + + * * * * * + +DESDEMONA TO THE AUTHOR OF "DORIAN GRAY." + +(_A PROPOS OF HIS PARAGRAPHIC PREFACE._) + +"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club corner. +What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and foolish?" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN A NAME.--A recent theatrical announcement informed us +that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of a Mr. HENRY DAM. +If successful, imagine the audience calling for the Author by name. If +a triumph, the new dramatist will be known as "The big, big D." + + * * * * * + +BY A TIRED AND CYNICAL CRITIC OF CURRENT FICTION. + + A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen. + A School? What's really wanted is a Prison. + Life-long confinement far from pen and ink + _Might_ cure the crowd of fictionists, I _think_. + Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight, + Go teach the Novelist how _not_ to write! + + * * * * * + +ATHLETICS.--It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbid +the popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon the ground that it +may lead to shoplifting. + + * * * * * + +WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.--_Lady B-ountiful_ first, at the Garrick, +and _Lady B-arter_ at the Princess's. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS. + +_Big Ben_. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! JUST LOOK AT YOU +AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE _ALWAYS_ TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, +HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST +FRIENDS FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I +POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!" + +_Little Dick_ (_dreamily_). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE +_NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!_"] + + * * * * * + +THE FIRST ACT--AND THE LAST. + +(_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._) + +ACT I.--_The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction +Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and +Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Charts +cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery +used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the +Authorities, are scattered about in every direction._ TOMMY ATKINS +_is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very +lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture._ + +_Military Instructor_ (_who has been for an hour and a half explaining +the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approaching +the end of his subject_). Well, as I have fully explained before, but +may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you +will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened +in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, +and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a +small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while +the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases +or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the +locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-four +different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retain +their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not +forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, +and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and +.116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that, +if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you will +practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should be +thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which, +properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. I +think I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewes +system is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500 +yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark, +I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (_gives him +one_), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in the +heat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured +to impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head +cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have made +myself pretty clear? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will +find it, what they assure me it is,--a most serviceable weapon. + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_saluting_). 'Ees, Sir! + + [_Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends._ + +ACT II.--_The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight) +in the immediate neighbourhood of London._ TOMMY ATKINS _and the_ +Military Instructor _discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of +the slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the +Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding +that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few +of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided +for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a +Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge +for the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of +pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury_, Mr. STANHOPE +_is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London +capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on +by the_ LORD MAYOR, _in the Bank of England._ + +_Military Instructor_ (_sitting up and rubbing his eyes_). Dear me! +we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all. +(_Recognising him._) Halloa, ATKINS! + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. You remember all I told you? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable +weapon, after all! + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this! +By Jove! it looks like the last Act! + + [_Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the + Battle-field, the_ Military Instructor _threatening to write + to the "Times," and_ TOMMY ATKINS _still grinning as Curtain + falls._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sylvanus_. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE +MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!" + +_Urbanus_. "OH--ER--YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"] + + * * * * * + +UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. + + ["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for ----, feel + that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side + in a Division?"--_Evening Paper_.] + + SCENE--_A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered apparently dying + in the hour of victory._ + +_Faithful Aide-de-Camp_. The enemy run, Sir! We have beaten them off +on every side! + +_Colonel_ (_faintly_). That is well! (_with a sigh_) and yet my heart +is heavy within me! Believe me, SMITH, I cannot die easily. + +_F.A.-de-C._ And yet the vacancy thus created would be found a +stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, Sir? + +_Col. X._ I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a politician the idea +is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had always done my duty in +the House of Commons! But no, with a view to obtaining this command, +I voted against my convictions! I supported the Government in their +proposal to tax perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I +was weak and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could +live to repair the past. + +_Opposition Whip_ (_suddenly springing up from behind a limber à la_ +HAWKSHAW _the Detective_). It is _not_ too late! Return with me to +Westminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! With +a special train we shall be in time! You can yet record your vote! + +_Col. X._ (_suddenly reviving_). Say you so? Then I _will_ recover! I +_will_ do my duty! + + [_Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put permanently + on the shelf, from a military point of view!_ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in _Scribner_, for March, is +interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to be a charming +people; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they can +be divorced for being talkative. + +_A propos_ of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA JOKO's capital +illustrations of Hospital Nursing in _The English Illustrated +Magazine_, the Matron's room must be "an illigant place, intoirely"; +while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a patient a +cup of ink by mistake for liquorice-water isn't a real good practical +side-splitter, the Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we +come upon a delightful little picture of "_The Pet of the Hospital_"; +and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing Sister +it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does she marry a +"Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she must be a "great +attraction," and if anything were to happen to the Baron, and he +couldn't be removed to his own palatial residence, he would say, "Put +me in a cab, drive me to the Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty +Pet's Ward." + +The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY McCARTHY's +"Pages on Plays" in _The Gentleman's Magazine_. JUSTIN HUNTLY +expresses his opinion that "_The Dancing Girl_ will almost certainly +be the play of the season; it will probably be the principal play of +the year." "Almost certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The +Baron backs _The Idler_ against _The Dancing Girl_ for a run. In the +same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short story, +called _Sally_, material that would have served some authors for a +three-volume novel. + +It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on any one +point with the Author of _Essays in Little_, and in proportion to +the number of the points so is the Baron's pleasure intensified. Most +intending readers of these Essays, on taking up the book, would be +less curious to ascertain what ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER +and the study of Greek, about THÉODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES +BAYLEY, the Sagas, and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions +on DICKENS and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more +popular. The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays +of ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on any +account, omit the delightfully written and truly appreciative article +on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you please, but finish with "_the +last fashionable novel_," wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest +mood, treats us to an excellent parody. + +The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this Extra-Ordinary +Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the discharge of his duties +by reading _Monte Carlo, and How to Do It_, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and +G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following +terms to his loved Chief:--This book achieves the task of combining +extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid +dulness--not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of low slang +and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume themselves on their +marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, which, with their usual +sprightly facetiousness, they call "Charley's Mount." They are good +enough to tell such of the travelling public as may want to get there, +that the train leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35. +Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the steamer +(Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, where there +is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead of going by the +_Ceinture_, they drove across Paris. The greenhorns arrive at Monte +Carlo, and then settle on their quarters. Anyone but an idiot would +have settled all this, and much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly +greenhorn, who wishes us to think that "_il connait son Paris_," talks +of "suppers of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish), +and informs us that, "at the Hôtel de l'Athenée, the staff esteem it +rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, to grin +and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and swearing British +greenhorn! now I know why the French so greatly love our countrymen. +But why, oh why do you imagine that you have discovered Monte Carlo? +For the details of the journey, and the instructions to future +explorers, are set out with a painful minuteness which not even +STANLEY could rival. As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned, +picturesque Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from +the glare and noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it +scornfully, as having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center +want? He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who +are "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The +Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the French soldier +that "the short service forty-eight-day men don't have a very +unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for you, there's elegance! +Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically eloquent on the subject of +fleas, throws in such lucid expressions as "chin music," "gives him +biff," "his craft is thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and +his fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most foolish +greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can imagine +the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, blatant, +gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as sportsmen, +and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the Baron to his +Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with his signature, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MORE IBSENITY! + +[Illustration] + +Dear EDITOR,--Noticing that the author of _The Doll's House_ was to +have another morning, or, to use an equally suitable epithet, mourning +performance devoted to his works, I made up my mind, after bracing +up my nerves, to attend it. The 23rd of February (the date of the +proposed function) as the second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too, +distinctly appropriate. By attending the performance--IBSEN recommends +self-execution--I sentenced myself to three hours and a half of +boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot help feeling that whatever +my past may have been, the penance paid to wipe it out was excessive, +and therefore rendered it unnecessary that I should attend a second +performance announced for last week. + +_Rosmershölm_ is in four Acts and one Scene--a room in _Rosmer's_ +House. Act I. _Rector Kroll_, who is the brother-in-law of _Pastor +Rosmer_, calls upon the latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the +Conservative interest. _Kroll_ (who, by the way, is a married man) +before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild flirtation +with _Rebecca West_, a female of a certain age, who has taken up her +abode for some years in the Rector's house. And here I may observe +that the Rector's housekeeper, _Madame Helseth_, presumably a highly +respectable person, although she has excellent reasons, from the +first, for believing that the relations between her Master and +_Rebecca_ are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic arrangements of +the Rosmer _ménage_ with hearty acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm. +_Rosmer_ interrupts the Rector's _tête-à-tête_ with the fascinating +_Rebecca_, and declines the proffered editorship, because he is a +Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,--no action to speak of, but +a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we learn that the late _Mrs. +Rosmer_ has committed suicide, because she was informed that the +apostate Pastor could only save his villainy from exposure by giving +immediately the position of wife to her friend _Rebecca_. She has had +this tip on the most reliable authority,--it has been furnished by +_Rebecca_ herself. Then the Pastor asks _Rebecca_ to marry him, but +is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it be that she has tired +of her guilty passion. In Act III. _Rebecca_ admits to the widower and +his brother-in-law that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares +to decamp. In the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has +been in love with _Rebecca_ from the first, loves her now, but is not +sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this point, will +she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as to jump into the +mill-stream, and drown herself? With pleasure--and she takes a header! +He explains that courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and +follows her example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily! + +And this is the plot! And what about the characters? _Rebecca_ is +merely a hysterical old maid, who would have been set right, in +the time of the Tudors, with a sound ducking; and nowadays, had +she consulted a fashionable physician, she would have been probably +ordered a sea-voyage, and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is +a feeble, fickle fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in +his life. He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that +she married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an +entirely convincing nature. The _Rector Kroll_ is a prig and a bore +of the first water. When he discovers _Rebecca's_ perfidy, he suggests +that she may have inherited her proneness for treachery from her +father--and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the name of a +gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a parent! The best line +in the piece, to my mind--and it certainly "went with a roar"--is a +question of the housekeeper--answered in the negative--"Have you ever +seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! Pretentious +twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it less idiotic. And +_so_ dull! + +As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I dislike +undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my opinion is +shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic of _Truth_, wrote +last week--"The few independent persons who have sat out a play by +IBSEN, be it _The Doll's House_, or _The Pillars of Society_, or +_Rosmershölm_, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff before the +playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, remove your _claque_, +exhaust your attendance of the socialist and the sexless, and then see +where your IBSEN will be.' I have never known an audience that cared +to pay to be bored, and the over-vaunted _Rosmershölm_ bored even the +Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their martyrdom! +I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have never seen a +dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I wish I could say as +much, and I shall be surprised if you do not appreciate the feeling, +after you too have partaken of this truly Lenten fare. Yours +sincerely, + +ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN--AT A DISTANCE. + + * * * * * + +STRIKING TIMES. + +NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD. + +(_BY A LABOURING ELECTOR._) + + Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to my song. + The times should much amuse you; you are up, and going strong. + The Working Men of England at length begin to see + That _their_ parsnips for to butter now the Parties all agree. + + _Chorus._ + + _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way,_ + _And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter every day!_ + + This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it strikes me so. + Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must go. + NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an artful plan; + But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY MANN! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and M.P.'s, + Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we darn please. + Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his neighbour; + Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they _all_ love _Labour_! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he _looks_ as hard as nails, + But when he wants to butter _us_, the Dorset never fails; + He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and messy. + He _couldn't_ flummerify us more were each of us a JESSE! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; _his_ treacle's pretty thick; + _He_ gives the Tories the straight tip,--and don't they take it--quick? + And now, by Jove, it's comical!--where _will_ the fashion end?-- + There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine Labourer's Friend! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's drawing nigh, + And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll _promise_ for to try. + They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty Labouring Host, + Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have you all on toast! + + _Chorus._ + + _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way._ + _They'll strain their throats,--you mind your votes, and you may find it pay!_ + + * * * * * + +WILDE FLOWERS. + +Some other fellow, in the _P.M.G._, has been beforehand with us in +spotting "A Preface to _Dorian Gray_," by our OSCAR WILDE-r than +ever, in this month's _Fortnightly. Dorian Gray_ was published some +considerable time ago, so it belongs to ancient history, and now, +after this lapse of time, out comes the preface. And this "preface" +occupies the better part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of +two pages; which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows +of bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant aphorisms. +The rule of the arrangement seems to be.--"when in doubt, plant +asterisks." _Sic itur ad astra._ The garden is open to all, let us +cull; here one and there one. "_To reveal Art and conceal the Artist, +is Art's aim._" Is there not in this the scent of "_Ars est celare +artem_"? "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "_Puris omnia +pura_" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if I mistake +not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to the stalk of +another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to "adapt" Scripture to +one's purpose is not to quote it. _Vade retro!_ Do we not recognise +something familiar in "_When Critics disagree the Artist is in accord +with himself?_" + +But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is over, then +arises the despairing cry of our own cherished OSCAR. It is in the +_Last of the Aphorisms_; after which, exhausted, he can only sign his +name, fling away the goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious +arm-chair exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into +the work of one short hour. Ah! "_La plupart des livres d'à présent +ont l'air d'avoir été faits en un jour avec des livres lus de la +veille._" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, RIVAROL, and JEAN +MORLÉ. "_Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!_ Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let +us be natural, or shut up shop. Yet there is a chance,--to be +supernatural. The great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among +the gods, open to any aspirant for immortality. "_All Art is quite +useless!_" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? "Is this +the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word--for the present. Pan is dead! +_Vive_ Pannikin! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CES AUTRES." + +(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.) + +_Captain Bergamot_. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN THE SERVICE, MISS DE +BULLION?" + +_Miss de Bullion_. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, AND--A--" (_with +disgust_)--"THE REST IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" + +A SONG OF SYMPATHY. + +(_SOME WAY AFTER A CELEBRATED BOATING SONG._) + + ["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the Colonies + continued separate they must become hostile communities, + and, in order that they might prevent that, it was for + the whole people to join in creating one great Union + Government."--REUTER.] + +Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, _an Old Blue, and a sympathetic on-looker, +loquitur_:-- + + Capital boating weather! + Ay, and a favouring breeze! + Oars upon the feather! + Sun of the Southern Seas! + Brave boys! Swing together, + Your bodies between your knees! + + Pheugh! How old memory rushes + Over me!--Pulled indeed! + Though LEO seldom gushes, + And these be of LEO's breed, + The blood of an Old Blue flushes + At the Young Blues' power and speed! + + Coach them, or patronise them? + Nay, I've no call for that. + To cheer them, not to advise them, + I'm on this path,--that's pat! + Affection admiringly eyes them:-- + Once in a boat I sat! + + Pulled my weight at a pinch, + For odds cared never a "cuss;" + No stern-chase caused me to flinch, + But--always detested fuss. + Strain the last ounce, and inch! + Races are won, boys, _thus_! + + Look a most likely lot, + Lionlets lithe and young. + Pace? They will make it hot. + Few can have feathered and swung + Better. Tall talk is rot; + But, hang it! I _must_ give tongue! + + There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales," + "Australia South" and "West," + "Victoria,"--each one scales + Good weight, and with girth of chest; + "New Zealand's" zeal prevails, + He'll swing in time with the rest. + + The hero born of Thetis + Had pluck enow. What then? + Each hero here, whose meat is + "Hard steak and harder hen," + As stalwart and as fleet is + As the Greek first of men! + + "Stroke" sets it long and steady; + _That_ gladdens a true Old Blue. + There's nothing hot and heady + In sturdy Number Two. + There are coxens sharp and ready + In the Land of the Kangaroo! + + Go it, lads! Swing together! + Push elders from their stools? + Pooh! _I_ shall moult no feather; + Old boys are not always old fools. + Out upon jealous blether! + You've learnt in the best of schools. + + I want to see you win, lads; + Old LEO loves his cubs. + If cynics growl or grin, lads, + We'll drive them back to their tubs. + Do you think my blood's so thin, lads, + I'd diet upon cold snubs? + + The cynics think they're clever; + Beshrew their big bow-wow! + Boys, swing together ever, + Steady from stroke to bow; + One chain shall sever never-- + The love-links round us now! + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? + + Will someone gifted with the _nous_, + Explain the "why" of Spinning House? + Is it to strike with wholesome fear + The thoughtless Maiden whose career + Looks like a sinning one? + And thus the Judge her conscience wakes, + Since he, when passing sentence, takes + Good care to name a _Spinning_ one? + Or is it that in such a habitation, + Herself a spinster more at home might feel; + And in a Spinning House find occupation, + Provided with a decent spinning-wheel; + But there,--no matter whence it came, + Or what's the meaning hidden in its name, + About its destination there's no fear; + And judging from a noted recent case, + The Spinning House will,--it is pretty clear,-- + Itself be soon sent spinning into space. + + * * * * * + +"Is a husband worth having?" asks _Woman_. One reply would be, "Well, +that depends on whose husband it is." But, by the way, this view was +not under consideration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" + +BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, BOYS!--SWING TOGETHER!!"] + + * * * * * + +A WILD WELCOME. + + February's reign of gloom + Out of mind and sight is, + Noonday darkness of the tomb, + Carbon and bronchitis. + + Though the air is keen and chill, + Cloudy though the skies are, + Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill, + Free from smart our eyes are. + + Bursting on the lengthening day + Bellows March the Viking, + "I have blown the fogs away; + Is this to your liking?" + + Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead + Sets the spirits bounding, + Like the Major's chartered steed + At the trumpet's sounding. + + Welcome, roaring moon of dust, + Welcome, Spring's reviver; + On the race again we must + Risk the wonted fiver; + + Fields are showing brighter green, + Early buds are shooting; + On the early youth is seen + The new season's suiting. + + Long it is since sparrows shrill + With their chirping woke us; + There is one with busy bill + Worrying a crocus. + + How they love the flow'r of spring-- + Never can resist it; + What a graceful little thing-- + Bother, I have miss'd it! + + Now the wind along the plain + Comes with roar and clatter-- + There, my hat is off again! + Let it go--no matter. + + What am I, to say thee nay + In thy rudest phases? + Blow my Sunday hat away. + Blow my hat to blazes. + + 'Tis but little we can do + For thy bounty's measure-- + Sacrifice a hat or two? + Forty hats, with pleasure. + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK. + +_FROM THE RAILWAY IMPROVEMENT PHRASE-BOOK._ + +That Nursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator will +certainly get run over by the train if she stands there gossiping with +the man in the signal-box. + +That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown its rider +this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing engine. + +So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens, +and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken the +contract for the making of the new line. + +Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right across +the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable hatch-houses, puffing +steam-cranes, and processions of mud-carts, rather interfere with the +beauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bear in mind +_that it is, after all, only to last for live years._ + +Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under that +luggage-train. + +It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget the +inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public being able to +get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for twopence. + + * * * * * + +QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.--No man has a vote until he has attained his +majority. How about some districts where they are nearly all Miners? + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. II.--DON JUAN SENIOR. + + To share with men the prandial gloom + Of union forced that fatal custom + Decrees to wither "youth and bloom," + (The phrase is from _Sohrab and Rustum_) + I've suffered boredom to the full; + Professors dull--of Hindostani! + Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull-- + He wasn't dull--was Don GIOVANNI. + + A widower _fêted_ far and wide, + The jauntiest Rake who drinks the waters, + Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride + And terror of his decent daughters; + _Old_ Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm + Flirtations, free to fling his cash on + The dining Duchess, "mould of form!" + Antique, good-looking "glass of fashion." + + [Illustration] + + He gossiped how the Viscount bets + (Some heiress he must really "pick up"), + How noble dames smoke cigarettes + And noble heels in ballets kick up. + How "H.R.H."--_n'importe!_ my friend + Experience shows me that the _laches_ + Of such as air these letters tend + In the direction of their "H"'s. + + He chatted next of German Spas, + Of Continental, English "P.B.'s," + And how our matchmaking Mammas + Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes, + How he with Royalties had graced + The latest function--genial patrons-- + While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced + Before the virtuous British matrons. + + And then his compliments began + To rain like drops of Frangipanni, + A most insinuating man + He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI. + You felt, if you could half believe, + You'd but to word a whim to find it, + You quite forgot he owned a sleeve, + And several teeth to laugh behind it. + + There may be kindness, lofty souls, + Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows older, + _Him_ the Material controls: + He shrugs a sleek, good-natured shoulder. + Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke; + Your choicest vintage passes; e'en your + Supreme tobacco ends in smoke-- + And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior. + + * * * * * + +MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is proposed +to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England and France. + + * * * * * + +SONGS BY A CYNIC. + +LOVE. + + What's Love, and all that Love can bring, + Youth's earliest illusion: + What tender words _she_ used to sing, + And blush with sweet confusion. + How you would hang upon each word, + When under spells of Cupid; + When half she said was most absurd, + And all extremely stupid. + + You loved her for her hair of gold. + Unwitting that she dyed it; + She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold, + Though Time had never tried it. + Your worship came to such a pass, + That, when you calmly view it, + You feel you were an utter ass, + Though then you never knew it. + + What happened? Why, the usual thing: + While round her you would linger, + Her love was fragile as the ring + You bought to grace her finger. + She went off with another man, + And so you had to sever: + Thus women since the world began + Have done, and will do ever. + + * * * * * + +REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER. + +I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up to a +festival called "_The Coming Race_." I was there at the opening on +Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, attended by her husband, +Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared the Bazaar open. A gay and +festive scene. Here, there, and everywhere, Egyptian houses made +of cardboard, containing stalls full of the most useful articles +imaginable. On the daïs, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting +purses (containing £3 3s. and upwards) to the Princess, who received +them with an affability which won the hearts of all beholders. On the +floor of the building was a gaily-dressed throng, which included many +a distinguished person. The revelry continued for three days, and was, +I trust, the means of obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt, +is most deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much +at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere else. + + * * * * * + +FÊTE OR FATE? + +OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN IMPRESSIONIST._) + + Lights and bouquets--flush and flare-- + Motley medley--splash affair-- + Deft disguises--flute and fife-- + Half the world without his wife-- + Dominos, and masks, and faces-- + Graces three--and three Disgraces. + Jacks-in-boxes--tambour-majors-- + Janes in office--ancient stagers-- + REYNOLDS' Duchess--Shepherdesses; + (Burlington) Arcadian tresses-- + Primrose damsels,--clowns and follies,-- + Organ-grinders--Flemish dollies-- + Macaronis, rather muddy, + Of the central stud a study-- + England's mashers, Afric's dark sons-- + NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's-- + All costumes not apt the back to, + Some of them inclined to crack too-- + Martyred revellers in upper + Rooms, and singing for their supper. + Bright confusion--many a mad hunt-- + Five o'clock--_and wish I hadn't._ + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.--Revival of _Charles +the First_!!! (at the Lyceum). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. NO. 2.--ARTHUR GOLFOUR.] + + * * * * * + +MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA. + + "What are you doing, my pretty Maid?" + "I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said. + "May I question you, my pretty Maid?" + "Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said. + "Who is your father, my pretty Maid?" + "JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said. + "And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?" + "My race is my fortune, Sir," she said. + "Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!" + "Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said. + + * * * * * + +GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.--_Mr. Punch_, Perpetual Universal +Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, congratulates H.R.H., Grand +Master of English Freemasons, on his plucky and straightforward action +with regard to the G.M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, +having contravened the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878, +may now exclaim, in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some +great Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once +frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was _not_ +Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!" + + * * * * * + +RECIPROCITY.--"MACE," in _The Illustrated London News_, says, +sweepingly:--"No Under-Secretary ever has any opinion of his +own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom has any opinion of an +Under-Secretary! + + +[Illustration: AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART. + +"DIE, VILLAIN!" + +"The extinction of literary piracy in America has been +decreed."--_Times Leader, March 5._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--Navy Estimates on to-night. +Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One, +it is true, is HARCOURT; so perhaps the most accurate enumeration of +the aggregate would be fifteen. + +"_Que diable allait-il faire dans ce_ jolly-boat?" GEORGE HAMILTON +asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant occupation of tearing up +strips of paper to glance across table at portly figure reclining on +Front Opposition Bench. Several Admirals and Captains have spoken. +Members generally have fled the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's +sense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; +but CASABIANCA HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the +Old Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying +toleration with which he listens. Doesn't _say_ they're all wrong, but +smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating COLOMB falters when, +glancing round the great gaps of empty Benches opposite, his eye falls +on HARCOURT. + +"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had +contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed since +commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the United Kingdom +has increased only one-and-a-half times, while that of the outlying +Empire has multiplied five-fold." + +General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every department +of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought that at least he +knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than Admiral +FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and +delivered slashing speech, laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as +if he had been set up in the Place Vendôme; reviewing the British +Fleet in masterly style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting +Jerusalem and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First +Lord of the Admiralty. + +[Illustration: Something more than his full height.] + +"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more than his +full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I ever heard, +even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our side. HOWORTH knows +a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking in accomplishment; but +for versatility, for profundity of knowledge, for readiness of +grasp, whether the object be a lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the +Exchequer's ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship, +give me HARCOURT." + +_Business done_.--Committee on the Navy Estimates. + +_Tuesday_.--WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about the Fog? Couldn't +something be done to lighten it, say by appointment of Royal +Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across House upon his young friend +with expression of almost paternal solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the +allied force. What did he mean by suddenly springing this question on +the First Lord of the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye? +Had it something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the +Union? + +CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring straight into +space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, with hat cunningly +tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have lain far in their pellucid +depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly absorbed in the brown gaiters +he has recently added to the graces of his personal appearance, in +pathetic admission that the natural charms of youth are at length +fading. + +Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the Union +really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden behind the +smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The only thing to +do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD MORALITY, was to +meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, plain enough as it appeared +in print on the prosaic Orders, was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers +consider the advisability of appointing a Royal Commission to examine +and report how far the evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by +legislation?" + +"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to assure my +Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in common with other +inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely sensible of the serious +injury, disturbance, and hardship inflicted by the increasing +prevalence of fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause of the London +fog? These fogs, which occur generally in the winter time, are +occasioned thus: some current of air, being suddenly cooled, descends +into the warm streets, forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the +earth. But, my Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every +night? I will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's +Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our wish +is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the +House they sit. Fogs--this I have no hesitation in stating--do not +supervene without intermission on successive nights, because the air +will always hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies +according to its temperature, and when the air is not saturated, +it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. Yes, I know. +My Right Hon. Friend, the Member for West Birmingham, with his +usual acumen--which I am sure we all recognise--asks me, In what +circumstances do fogs occur at night? I am much obliged to him for +reminding me of the point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has +been saturated with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it +deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form known in rural +districts--as my Hon. Friend, the Member for the Bordesley Division, +is well aware--as dew. In the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog. +This process of deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the +air for holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing night. +I think I have now answered the question of my Noble Friend fully, +and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, upon consideration, +see that this is not a matter with which a Royal Commission could +be expected successfully to cope, and, therefore, I may add, Her +Majesty's Government do not, after full consideration of their duty +to the QUEEN and Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion +thrown out by my Noble Friend." + +[Illustration: Feeling his Way through the Fog.] + +BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; remained +very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes to eleven he +thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's meaning. "Yes," he +added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling my way through the fog." + +_Business done_.--STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution negatived by 291 +Votes against 189. + +_Thursday_.--In Lords to-night, three white figures fluttered down +gently on to red Benches, like virgin flakes of snow. But, unlike +snow, they didn't melt. On close examination, turned out to be three +new Bishops; two of them old friends, with new titles. + +"Like _Bottom_, translated," BRAMWELL growls. + +Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back Archbishop +of York. The ceremony of their installation not nearly so comic as +that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter King-at-Arms does not +appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any game of Follow-my-leader round +the Benches. + +"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says has no +strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would never do. Must be +careful with our Bishops." + +[Illustration: The Inflammable Liquor Bill.] + +So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the +LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal Bench, +folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent an added air +of peace and purity to the precincts. + +DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had promised +to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill, limiting duration of +Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons, whilst ATKINSON turned his +attention to his Dowagers Bill. + +"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes thought an +alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition between two estates +of the realm, might work great things. But I'm beginning to lose +confidence in him. At certain periods of the lunar month he's too +comprehensive in his legislative ambition. Why wasn't he content +with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers, +dear TOBY, have, if I may say so--using the phrase strictly in +Parliamentary sense--got their arms round the neck of my friend +ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, between +us, we could have put things straight generally." + +_Business done_.--Navy Estimates in Commons. + +_Friday_.--PHILIPPE EGALITÉ very rarely troubles House with ordered +speech. A good deal on his mind looking after JACOBY, and keeping +the Party straight. But his silence doesn't arise from incapacity to +speak. This shown to-night in his speech on Railway Rates and Charges. +Full of good matter, admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK +proposed to discuss Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about +it particularly. So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the +chief _Business done_. + + * * * * * + +THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR. + +(_A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE._) + + I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern pate, + Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of State, + Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old rate, + With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his gate; + This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time. + + His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse of time" + (He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more sublime; + For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must obey. + And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial way, + Of this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) "he'd not oppose." + Social reform or Education _he_'d not treat as foes, + But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might trip his toes, + And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it (by the nose?), + This fine young German Emperor, &c. + + Now surely this is better far than all the old parade + Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade; + And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be said, + Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow _he knows his trade_, + Does this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + There were some who did not like it,--there are always such, one knows, + Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style oppose. + Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not see + Laying down his long-held power, and submitting tranquilly + To this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + _He_ was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love the plough, + So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, roused lots of row. + For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon the shelf, + Found that long control of others did _not_ mean control of self, + _Or_ this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to lead the dance, + Has a very trying _vis-à-vis_, that fractious dame, _La France_, + To keep step with that lady, without treading on her train, + Would tax Terpsichore herself; _he_ finds the effort vain; + Does this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish task, + That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact will task. + Let us wish him patriot wisdom, _and_ respect for Elder Fame, + And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a noble name, + This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time! + + * * * * * + +A ROUGH CROSSING. + +That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, and his head +covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just returned from fighting the +Dacoits in Upper Burmah? + +I certainly _am_ surprised when you inform me that he has only tried +to cross a London street in a fog. + +Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just thundered past at +twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was _not_ a fire-engine, but only a +covered Van? + +Yes, I believe it _is_ a fact that special beds in all the Hospitals +are now reserved for Van-victims. + +Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to the Rear; +still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so much like a +highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your life!" + +If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van will have to +carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with it. + +What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting angrily? Oh, I +suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over by the Coal-waggon +and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is remonstrating with the +driver? + +What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing the old +gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way? + +I _have_ heard that the Insurance Companies now insert in their +policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any street in London, +except under police escort. + +And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down in the +streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time that something +were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in his wild career? + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. March 14, 1891. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 15, 2004 [EBook #13186] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 14, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" + id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> + + <h2>SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM.</h2> + + <h3>No. III.—THE BIOGRAPHER.</h3> + + <p>We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to + take a further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy + merchant, who has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the + elegant leisure of a suburban villa—let us say at + Norwood. You are in your dining-room, examining the sky, and + thinking that, if the weather holds up, you will take your big + dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you are told + that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on + particular business." The very word excites you, not + unpleasantly, nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's + business, or the District Board, or the County Council—it + is enough that your experience and practical knowledge of + affairs are in request—and, better still, it will give + you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own + importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk + stranger, with red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in + documents which he has brought with him in a black bag.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:36%;"> + <a href="images/121-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/121-1.png" + alt="'Your Visitor has his Note-book out.'" /> + </a>"Your Visitor has his Note-book out." + </div> + + <p>"I <i>have</i> the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I + think?" he says. "Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider + myself extremely fortunate in finding you at home, I assure + you, and a very charming place you have here—abundant + evidence of a refined and cultivated mind, excellent selection + of our best-known writers, everything, if I may say so, elegant + in the extreme—as was to be expected! Even from the + cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would + lend itself admirably to picturesque description—which + brings me to the object of my visit. I have called upon you, + Mr. LANE, in the hope of eliciting your sympathy and patronage + for a work I am now compiling—a work which will, I am + confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your wide culture + and interest in literary matters." (<i>Here you will look as + judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a + new Encyclopædia, or an illustrated edition of</i> SHAKSPEARE's + <i>works</i>.) "The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, + <i>Notable Nonentities of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here + you will nod gravely, rather taken by the title.</i>) "It will + be published very shortly, by subscription, Mr. LANE, in two + handsome quarto volumes, got up in the most sumptuous style. It + is a work which has been long wanted, and which, I venture to + predict, will be very widely read. It is my ambition to make it + a complete biographical compendium of every living celebrity of + note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will be + embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely + new process upon India and Japanese paper; + everything—type, ink, paper, binding, will be of the best + procurable; the publishers being determined to spare no expense + in making it a book of reference superior to anything of the + kind previously attempted!" (<i>As he pauses fur breath, you + will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a work, as he + contemplates, will be an excellent thing—but that, for + your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting + the Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will + excuse you</i>—)</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:36%;"> + <a href="images/121-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/121-2.png" + alt="'You may have to wait.'" /></a>"You may have to + wait." + </div> + + <p>"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my + object. I should not dream of expecting you to <i>subscribe</i> + to such a work. But, in my capacity of compiler, I naturally + desire to leave nothing undone that care and research can + effect to render the work complete—and it would be + incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to so + distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("<i>Oh, + pooh—nonsense!" You will say at this—but you will + sit down again</i>) "Norwood is a singularly favoured locality. + Sir; its charms have induced many of our foremost men to select + it for their <i>rus in urbe</i>. Why, in this very + road—May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with + Alderman MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to + furnish me with many interesting details of his personal + career, a photo-gravured portrait of him will be included, with + views of the interior and exterior of 'The Drudgeries,' and a + bit from the back-garden." (<i>You do know</i> + MINCING—<i>and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the + absurd vanity of the man</i>—<i>a mere nobody, away from + the City!</i>) "Between ourselves," says your interviewer, + candidly, having possibly observed your expression, "I am by no + means sure that I shall feel warranted in allotting Alderman + MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider himself + entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable man, + does <i>not</i> appeal to the popular imagination as others I + could mention do—he is just a <i>little</i> commonplace!" + ("<i>Shrewd follow, this!" you think to yourself—"Got</i> + MINCING's <i>measure!</i>") "But I should feel it an honour, + indeed, if such a man as yourself, now, would give me all the + personal information you think proper to make public, while, as + a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and artistic + domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I do + trust that you will see your way to—" (<i>At first, you + suggest that you must talk it over with your Wife—but you + presently see that if</i> MINCING <i>and men of that calibre + are to be in this, you cannot, for your own sake, hold aloof, + and so your Visitor soon has his note-book out.</i>) "Any + remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE? A + strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to + black-beetles—both of which you still retain? Thank you, + <i>very</i> much. And you were educated? At Dulborough Grammar + School? Just <i>so</i>! Never took to Latin, or learned Greek? + Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves thus + early—curious, <i>indeed</i>! Entered your father's + office as clerk? Became a partner? Married your present + lady—when? In 1860? Exactly!—and have offspring? + Your subsequent life comparatively uneventful? That will do + admirably—infinitely obliged to you, I am sure. It would + be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy of the + work, when issued, forwarded to you—we can do it for you + at the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in + advance—a gratifying possession for your children after + you have gone, Mr. LANE! I <i>may</i> put you down? Thank you. + For <i>two</i> copies?" (<i>On second thoughts, you do order + two copies; you can send one out to your married Sister in + Australia</i>—<i>it will amuse her.</i>) "One, two, + three, four guineas—<i>quite</i> correct, Mr. LANE, and + you shall have an early opportunity of revising a proof, and we + will send down a competent artist, in a day or two, to take the + photographs. Quite an agreeable change in the weather, is it + not? <i>Good</i> day!"</p> + + <p>He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the + photographer, and the appearance of that great work. <i>Notable + Nonentities of Norwood</i>,—and it is not at all unlikely + that you may have to wait a considerable time.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Iago on the Great Sermon Question.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public,</p> + + <p>Is the immediate jewel of their souls.</p> + + <p>Who steals my <i>sermon</i>, steals trash; 'tis + something, nothing;</p> + + <p>'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by + dozens;</p> + + <p>But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist,</p> + + <p>Robs me of that which is no good to him,</p> + + <p>And leaves me poor—in credit.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.—A new book of advice for + intending Travellers has recently been published, entitled, + "<i>Where to Stay</i>." It is both ornamental and useful; but + so much depends on ways and means, that, after careful + consideration, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, when asked "<i>Where to + Stay</i>," considers the safest answer will always be, "<i>At + home</i>."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" + id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/122.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/122.png" + alt="'CHUCKED!'" /></a> + + <h3>"CHUCKED!"</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber + having yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, + rejected a Bill legalising the <i>pari mutuel</i>, and + the Government having pledged itself to enforce the law + against gambling."—<i>Times Paris + Correspondent</i>.]</p> + </blockquote><i>The Bookie</i>. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF + TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE 'OME!" + </div> + + <h4>(<i>Extract of Letter from</i> DICKY DIDDLUM, <i>Bookmaker, + Paris, to</i> BOUNDING BOB, <i>ditto, Newmarket.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly <i>hup</i> as + the top of the Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after + all. Thought we <i>had</i> taught 'em a bit about <i>Ler + Sport</i> by this time: but, bless yer, BOB, once a Pollyvoo, + always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a 'Oss, or + knows 'ow to make a Book!</p> + + <p>"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County + Councils, dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the + Detective bizness in their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there + won't be a safe look in for a party as wants to do a nice + little flutter—unless, of course, he's a Stock-Exchange + spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines. + <i>Then</i> he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses + as much as he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French + <i>Bourse</i> 'ud get along without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss + barney, as every man as <i>is</i> a man finds the werry salt of + life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin' played down too + darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all? Why, 'No + Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact size + of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB!</p> + + <p>"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, + fur as <i>I</i> see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a + Republican, too, bless his boko! said as 'races were essential + to 'orsebreeding, and that without betting there would be no + races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.! And then they up and chuck + hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no betting, no races; no + racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's how it runs, + BOB, or I'm a sossidge!</p> + + <p>"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for + anythink. Look at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the + Hempress! Why, if <i>we</i> 'ad that duffer, DEROULÈDE, on + Newmarket 'Eath, we should just duck him in a 'orsepond, like a + copped Welsher. Here they washup him, or else knuckle under to + him, like a skeery Coster's missus when her old man's on the + mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his bloomin' + high-lows. <i>That's</i> yer high-polite French Artists and + brave booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah!</p> + + <p>"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. + MOSSOO CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would + be an end to bookmakers.' And it <i>was</i> carried, by 340 + mugs against 144 right 'uns. And arter all me and my sort has + done for Parry! It's mean, that's wot it is, BOB. P'raps + they'll chuck British <i>jockeys</i> next! Much good their + <i>Grong Pree</i>, ancetrer, will be <i>then</i>, my boy. + <i>Our</i> 'osses, <i>our</i> jockeys, <i>and</i> our bookies + has bin the making of French Sport,—and werrv nice little + pickings there's bin out of it take it all round. Wot'll <i>Ler + Hig Life</i>, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots, and miles o' + bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do for Parry + without <i>hus</i>, I wonder? We shall <i>see</i>! Ah, Madame + <i>lar Republick</i>, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your + bullyin' jondarms, for chucking o' me afore you're through. As + MAT MOPUS put it:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was all werry well to dissemble yer love,</p> + + <p>But wy did yer kick me down-stairs?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next + week, BOB. Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, + there's no place like 'ome! No!—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Mid <i>Boises</i> and Bullyvards tho' we may + roam,</p> + + <p>Be it hever so foggy, there's no place <i>like</i> + 'ome;</p> + + <p>A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport + there,</p> + + <p>Wich, look where you will, isn't met with + elsewhere.</p> + + <p class="i8">'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome,</p> + + <p>Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like + 'ome!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page123" + id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main;</p> + + <p>Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again;</p> + + <p>The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl,</p> + + <p>Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than + all.</p> + + <p class="i10">'Ome, 'ome,</p> + + <p class="i10">Sweet, sweet 'ome,</p> + + <p>With RAIKES<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a>, + LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Mean to sing <i>that</i> at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But + till then, Ta—ta!!"</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL + SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other + telegrams transmitted by the Post-office Department."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>Desdemona to the Author of "Dorian Gray."</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A propos of his paragraphic Preface.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club + corner. What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and + foolish?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING IN A NAME.—A recent theatrical announcement + informed us that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of + a Mr. HENRY DAM. If successful, imagine the audience calling + for the Author by name. If a triumph, the new dramatist will be + known as "The big, big D."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>By a Tired and Cynical Critic of Current Fiction.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen.</p> + + <p>A School? What's really wanted is a Prison.</p> + + <p>Life-long confinement far from pen and ink</p> + + <p><i>Might</i> cure the crowd of fictionists, I + <i>think</i>.</p> + + <p>Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight,</p> + + <p>Go teach the Novelist how <i>not</i> to write!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ATHLETICS.—It is said that the County Council are + resolved to forbid the popular feats of raising heavy weights, + upon the ground that it may lead to shoplifting.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.—<i>Lady B-ountiful</i> + first, at the Garrick, and <i>Lady B-arter</i> at the + Princess's.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/123.png" + alt="OLD FRIENDS." /></a> + + <h3>OLD FRIENDS.</h3> + + <p><i>Big Ben</i>. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! + JUST LOOK AT YOU AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE <i>ALWAYS</i> + TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! + IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST FRIENDS FOR + FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I + POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT + LEFT!"</p> + + <p><i>Little Dick</i> (<i>dreamily</i>). "AH, BUT YOU MUST + REMEMBER THAT I'VE <i>NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK + AGAIN!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FIRST ACT—AND THE LAST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Departmental Tragi-Comedy, in active + Rehearsal.</i>)</h4> + + <p>ACT I.—<i>The Scene represents the Interior of a + Military Instruction Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed + advanced Problems and Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, + and various Scientific Charts cover the Walls. Models of + mechanical contrivances and machinery used in the construction + of complicated Small Arms approved by the Authorities, are + scattered about in every direction.</i> TOMMY ATKINS <i>is + discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a + very lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture.</i></p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i> (<i>who has been for an hour and + a half explaining the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine + Rifle, finally approaching the end of his subject</i>). Well, + as I have fully explained before, but may state once more, so + as to firmly impress it on your memory, you will bear in mind + that the cylindrical portion will be shortened in front, the + end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, and stud + on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a small + keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while the + cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases + or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the + locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the + twenty-four different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will + be well to retain their various outside thread diameters in + your memory, specially not forgetting that those of the Butt + Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, and the Striker Keeper + Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and .116 of an inch. + Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that, if + anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you + will practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you + should be thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component + items, which, properly adjusted one with the other, make up the + whole weapon. I think I need not refer again to the "sighting," + seeing that the Lewes system is abolished, and that the weapon + is now sighted up to 3,500 yards, "dead on," no matter what the + wind may be. With this remark, I have much pleasure in placing + the rifle in your hands (<i>gives him one</i>), at the same + time advising you, if called upon to use it in the heat of + action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured to + impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head + cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have + made myself pretty clear?</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>with a grin</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. And there is nothing more you + wish to ask me?</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). Noa, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. Ah! well then, good morning. I + trust you will find it, what they assure me it is,—a most + serviceable weapon.</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>saluting</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>ACT II.—<i>The Scene represents a Field of Battle + (after the fight) in the immediate neighbourhood of London.</i> + TOMMY ATKINS <i>and the</i> Military Instructor <i>discovered + lying badly wounded amidst a heap of the slain. A European War + having broken out suddenly, from which the Country could not + escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding that it had + only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few of + these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition + provided for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is + invaded, while a Committee of Experts is still trying to settle + on a suitable cartridge for the new Magazine Rifle. The result + is, that after a couple of pitched battles, though in an + outburst of popular fury</i>, Mr. STANHOPE <i>is lynched by the + Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London capitulates, + and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on by + the</i> LORD MAYOR, <i>in the Bank of England.</i></p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i> (<i>sitting up and rubbing his + eyes</i>). Dear me! we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was + no good, after all. (<i>Recognising him.</i>) Halloa, + ATKINS!</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>with a grin</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. You remember all I told you?</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). 'Ees, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. I'm afraid that wasn't such a + serviceable weapon, after all!</p> + + <p><i>Tommy Atkins</i> (<i>still grinning</i>). Noa, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Military Instructor</i>. Dear me! Well, we had better get + out of this! By Jove! it looks like the last Act!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the + Battle-field, the</i> Military Instructor <i>threatening to + write to the "Times," and</i> TOMMY ATKINS <i>still + grinning as Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page124" + id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/124.png" + alt="Sylvanus and Urbanus." /></a> + + <p><i>Sylvanus</i>. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE + MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!"</p> + + <p><i>Urbanus</i>. "OH—ER—YES. BUT HOW DO YOU + GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for + ——, feel that he had of fair play if he walked + into the Opposition side in a Division?"—<i>Evening + Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered + apparently dying in the hour of victory.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Faithful Aide-de-Camp</i>. The enemy run, Sir! We have + beaten them off on every side!</p> + + <p><i>Colonel</i> (<i>faintly</i>). That is well! (<i>with a + sigh</i>) and yet my heart is heavy within me! Believe me, + SMITH, I cannot die easily.</p> + + <p><i>F.A.-de-C.</i> And yet the vacancy thus created would be + found a stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, + Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Col. X.</i> I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a + politician the idea is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had + always done my duty in the House of Commons! But no, with a + view to obtaining this command, I voted against my convictions! + I supported the Government in their proposal to tax + perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I was weak + and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could + live to repair the past.</p> + + <p><i>Opposition Whip</i> (<i>suddenly springing up from behind + a limber à la</i> HAWKSHAW <i>the Detective</i>). It is + <i>not</i> too late! Return with me to Westminster forthwith. + The Third Reading is down for to-night! With a special train we + shall be in time! You can yet record your vote!</p> + + <p><i>Col. X.</i> (<i>suddenly reviving</i>). Say you so? Then + I <i>will</i> recover! I <i>will</i> do my duty!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put + permanently on the shelf, from a military point of + view!</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in <i>Scribner</i>, for + March, is interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to + be a charming people; and the Japanese women delightful as + wives; but then they can be divorced for being talkative.</p> + + <p><i>A propos</i> of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA + JOKO's capital illustrations of Hospital Nursing in <i>The + English Illustrated Magazine</i>, the Matron's room must be "an + illigant place, intoirely"; while as for amusement, if the + picture of a nurse giving a patient a cup of ink by mistake for + liquorice-water isn't a real good practical side-splitter, the + Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we come upon a + delightful little picture of "<i>The Pet of the Hospital</i>"; + and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing + Sister it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does + she marry a "Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she + must be a "great attraction," and if anything were to happen to + the Baron, and he couldn't be removed to his own palatial + residence, he would say, "Put me in a cab, drive me to the + Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty Pet's Ward."</p> + + <p>The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY + McCARTHY's "Pages on Plays" in <i>The Gentleman's Magazine</i>. + JUSTIN HUNTLY expresses his opinion that "<i>The Dancing + Girl</i> will almost certainly be the play of the season; it + will probably be the principal play of the year." "Almost + certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The Baron backs + <i>The Idler</i> against <i>The Dancing Girl</i> for a run. In + the same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short + story, called <i>Sally</i>, material that would have served + some authors for a three-volume novel.</p> + + <p>It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on + any one point with the Author of <i>Essays in Little</i>, and + in proportion to the number of the points so is the Baron's + pleasure intensified. Most intending readers of these Essays, + on taking up the book, would be less curious to ascertain what + ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER and the study of Greek, + about THÉODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES BAYLEY, the Sagas, + and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions on DICKENS + and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more popular. + The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays of + ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on + any account, omit the delightfully written and truly + appreciative article on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you + please, but finish with "<i>the last fashionable novel</i>," + wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest mood, treats us to + an excellent parody.</p> + + <p>The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this + Extra-Ordinary Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the + discharge of his duties by reading <i>Monte Carlo, and How to + Do It</i>, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. + ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following terms to his loved + Chief:—This book achieves the task of combining + extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid + dulness—not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of + low slang and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume + themselves on their marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, + which, with their usual sprightly facetiousness, they call + "Charley's Mount." They are good enough to tell such of the + travelling public as may want to get there, that the train + leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35. + Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the + steamer (Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, + where there is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead + of going by the <i>Ceinture</i>, they drove across Paris. The + greenhorns arrive at Monte Carlo, and then settle on their + quarters. Anyone but an idiot would have settled all this, and + much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly greenhorn, who wishes us + to think that "<i>il connait son Paris</i>," talks of "suppers + of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish), and + informs us that, "at the Hôtel de l'Athenée, the staff esteem + it rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, + to grin and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and + swearing British greenhorn! now I know why the French so + greatly love our countrymen. But why, oh why do you imagine + that you have discovered Monte Carlo? For the details of the + journey, and the instructions to future explorers, are set out + with a painful minuteness which not even STANLEY could rival. + As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned, picturesque + Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from the glare and + noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it scornfully, as + having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center want? + He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who are + "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The + Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the + French soldier that "the short service forty-eight-day men + don't have a very unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for + you, there's elegance! Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically + eloquent on the subject of fleas, throws in such lucid + expressions as "chin music," "gives him biff," "his craft is + thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and his + fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most + foolish greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can + imagine the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, + blatant, gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as + sportsmen, and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the + Baron to his Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with + his signature,</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" + id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> + + <h2>MORE IBSENITY!</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/125.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Dear EDITOR,—Noticing that the author of <i>The Doll's + House</i> was to have another morning, or, to use an equally + suitable epithet, mourning performance devoted to his works, I + made up my mind, after bracing up my nerves, to attend it. The + 23rd of February (the date of the proposed function) as the + second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too, distinctly + appropriate. By attending the performance—IBSEN + recommends self-execution—I sentenced myself to three + hours and a half of boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot + help feeling that whatever my past may have been, the penance + paid to wipe it out was excessive, and therefore rendered it + unnecessary that I should attend a second performance announced + for last week.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmershölm</i> is in four Acts and one Scene—a + room in <i>Rosmer's</i> House. Act I. <i>Rector Kroll</i>, who + is the brother-in-law of <i>Pastor Rosmer</i>, calls upon the + latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the Conservative + interest. <i>Kroll</i> (who, by the way, is a married man) + before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild + flirtation with <i>Rebecca West</i>, a female of a certain age, + who has taken up her abode for some years in the Rector's + house. And here I may observe that the Rector's housekeeper, + <i>Madame Helseth</i>, presumably a highly respectable person, + although she has excellent reasons, from the first, for + believing that the relations between her Master and + <i>Rebecca</i> are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic + arrangements of the Rosmer <i>ménage</i> with hearty + acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm. <i>Rosmer</i> interrupts + the Rector's <i>tête-à-tête</i> with the fascinating + <i>Rebecca</i>, and declines the proffered editorship, because + he is a Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,—no action + to speak of, but a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we + learn that the late <i>Mrs. Rosmer</i> has committed suicide, + because she was informed that the apostate Pastor could only + save his villainy from exposure by giving immediately the + position of wife to her friend <i>Rebecca</i>. She has had this + tip on the most reliable authority,—it has been furnished + by <i>Rebecca</i> herself. Then the Pastor asks <i>Rebecca</i> + to marry him, but is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it + be that she has tired of her guilty passion. In Act III. + <i>Rebecca</i> admits to the widower and his brother-in-law + that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares to decamp. In + the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has been in + love with <i>Rebecca</i> from the first, loves her now, but is + not sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this + point, will she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as + to jump into the mill-stream, and drown herself? With + pleasure—and she takes a header! He explains that + courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and follows her + example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily!</p> + + <p>And this is the plot! And what about the characters? + <i>Rebecca</i> is merely a hysterical old maid, who would have + been set right, in the time of the Tudors, with a sound + ducking; and nowadays, had she consulted a fashionable + physician, she would have been probably ordered a sea-voyage, + and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is a feeble, fickle + fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in his life. + He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that she + married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an + entirely convincing nature. The <i>Rector Kroll</i> is a prig + and a bore of the first water. When he discovers + <i>Rebecca's</i> perfidy, he suggests that she may have + inherited her proneness for treachery from her + father—and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the + name of a gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a + parent! The best line in the piece, to my mind—and it + certainly "went with a roar"—is a question of the + housekeeper—answered in the negative—"Have you ever + seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! + Pretentious twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it + less idiotic. And <i>so</i> dull!</p> + + <p>As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I + dislike undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my + opinion is shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic + of <i>Truth</i>, wrote last week—"The few independent + persons who have sat out a play by IBSEN, be it <i>The Doll's + House</i>, or <i>The Pillars of Society</i>, or + <i>Rosmershölm</i>, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff + before the playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, + remove your <i>claque</i>, exhaust your attendance of the + socialist and the sexless, and then see where your IBSEN will + be.' I have never known an audience that cared to pay to be + bored, and the over-vaunted <i>Rosmershölm</i> bored even the + Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their + martyrdom! I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have + never seen a dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I + wish I could say as much, and I shall be surprised if you do + not appreciate the feeling, after you too have partaken of this + truly Lenten fare. Yours sincerely,</p> + + <p class="author">ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN—AT A DISTANCE.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>STRIKING TIMES.</h2> + + <h3>NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Labouring Elector.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to + my song.</p> + + <p>The times should much amuse you; you are up, and + going strong.</p> + + <p>The Working Men of England at length begin to + see</p> + + <p>That <i>their</i> parsnips for to butter now the + Parties all agree.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>It's high time that the Working Men should have + it their own way,</i></p> + + <p><i>And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter + every day!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it + strikes me so.</p> + + <p>Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must + go.</p> + + <p>NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an + artful plan;</p> + + <p>But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY + MANN!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus</i>—It's high time, &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and + M.P.'s,</p> + + <p>Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we + darn please.</p> + + <p>Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his + neighbour;</p> + + <p>Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they + <i>all</i> love <i>Labour</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus</i>—It's high time, &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he <i>looks</i> as + hard as nails,</p> + + <p>But when he wants to butter <i>us</i>, the Dorset + never fails;</p> + + <p>He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and + messy.</p> + + <p>He <i>couldn't</i> flummerify us more were each of + us a JESSE!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus</i>—It's high time, &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; <i>his</i> + treacle's pretty thick;</p> + + <p><i>He</i> gives the Tories the straight + tip,—and don't they take it—quick?</p> + + <p>And now, by Jove, it's comical!—where + <i>will</i> the fashion end?—</p> + + <p>There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine + Labourer's Friend!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus</i>—It's high time, &c. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's + drawing nigh,</p> + + <p>And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll + <i>promise</i> for to try.</p> + + <p>They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty + Labouring Host,</p> + + <p>Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have + you all on toast!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + <i>Chorus.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>It's high time that the Working Men should have + it their own way.</i></p> + + <p><i>They'll strain their throats,—you mind your + votes, and you may find it pay!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WILDE FLOWERS.</h2> + + <p>Some other fellow, in the <i>P.M.G.</i>, has been beforehand + with us in spotting "A Preface to <i>Dorian Gray</i>," by our + OSCAR WILDE-r than ever, in this month's <i>Fortnightly. Dorian + Gray</i> was published some considerable time ago, so it + belongs to ancient history, and now, after this lapse of time, + out comes the preface. And this "preface" occupies the better + part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of two pages; + which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows of + bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant + aphorisms. The rule of the arrangement seems to be.—"when + in doubt, plant asterisks." <i>Sic itur ad astra.</i> The + garden is open to all, let us cull; here one and there one. + "<i>To reveal Art and conceal the Artist, is Art's aim.</i>" Is + there not in this the scent of "<i>Ars est celare artem</i>"? + "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "<i>Puris omnia + pura</i>" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if + I mistake not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to + the stalk of another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to + "adapt" Scripture to one's purpose is not to quote it. <i>Vade + retro!</i> Do we not recognise something familiar in "<i>When + Critics disagree the Artist is in accord with himself?</i>"</p> + + <p>But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is + over, then arises the despairing cry of our own cherished + OSCAR. It is in the <i>Last of the Aphorisms</i>; after which, + exhausted, he can only sign his name, fling away the + goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious arm-chair + exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into + the work of one short hour. Ah! "<i>La plupart des livres d'à + présent ont l'air d'avoir été faits en un jour avec des livres + lus de la veille.</i>" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, + RIVAROL, and JEAN MORLÉ. "<i>Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!</i> + Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let us be natural, or shut up + shop. Yet there is a chance,—to be supernatural. The + great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among the gods, + open to any aspirant for immortality. "<i>All Art is quite + useless!</i>" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? + "Is this the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word—for the + present. Pan is dead! <i>Vive</i> Pannikin!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" + id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/126.png" + alt="'CES AUTRES.'" /></a> + + <h3>"CES AUTRES."</h3>(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.) + + <p><i>Captain Bergamot</i>. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN + THE SERVICE, MISS DE BULLION?"</p> + + <p><i>Miss de Bullion</i>. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, + AND—A—" (<i>with disgust</i>)—"THE REST + IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"</h2> + + <h3>A SONG OF SYMPATHY.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Some Way after a celebrated Boating Song.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the + Colonies continued separate they must become hostile + communities, and, in order that they might prevent that, it + was for the whole people to join in creating one great + Union Government."—REUTER.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, <i>an Old Blue, and a sympathetic + on-looker, loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Capital boating weather!</p> + + <p class="i2">Ay, and a favouring breeze!</p> + + <p>Oars upon the feather!</p> + + <p class="i2">Sun of the Southern Seas!</p> + + <p>Brave boys! Swing together,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your bodies between your knees!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pheugh! How old memory rushes</p> + + <p class="i2">Over me!—Pulled indeed!</p> + + <p>Though LEO seldom gushes,</p> + + <p class="i2">And these be of LEO's breed,</p> + + <p>The blood of an Old Blue flushes</p> + + <p class="i2">At the Young Blues' power and speed!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Coach them, or patronise them?</p> + + <p class="i2">Nay, I've no call for that.</p> + + <p>To cheer them, not to advise them,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm on this path,—that's pat!</p> + + <p>Affection admiringly eyes them:—</p> + + <p class="i2">Once in a boat I sat!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pulled my weight at a pinch,</p> + + <p class="i2">For odds cared never a "cuss;"</p> + + <p>No stern-chase caused me to flinch,</p> + + <p class="i2">But—always detested fuss.</p> + + <p>Strain the last ounce, and inch!</p> + + <p class="i2">Races are won, boys, <i>thus</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Look a most likely lot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lionlets lithe and young.</p> + + <p>Pace? They will make it hot.</p> + + <p class="i2">Few can have feathered and swung</p> + + <p>Better. Tall talk is rot;</p> + + <p class="i2">But, hang it! I <i>must</i> give + tongue!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales,"</p> + + <p class="i2">"Australia South" and "West,"</p> + + <p>"Victoria,"—each one scales</p> + + <p class="i2">Good weight, and with girth of chest;</p> + + <p>"New Zealand's" zeal prevails,</p> + + <p class="i2">He'll swing in time with the rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The hero born of Thetis</p> + + <p class="i2">Had pluck enow. What then?</p> + + <p>Each hero here, whose meat is</p> + + <p class="i2">"Hard steak and harder hen,"</p> + + <p>As stalwart and as fleet is</p> + + <p class="i2">As the Greek first of men!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Stroke" sets it long and steady;</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>That</i> gladdens a true Old Blue.</p> + + <p>There's nothing hot and heady</p> + + <p class="i2">In sturdy Number Two.</p> + + <p>There are coxens sharp and ready</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Land of the Kangaroo!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Go it, lads! Swing together!</p> + + <p class="i2">Push elders from their stools?</p> + + <p>Pooh! <i>I</i> shall moult no feather;</p> + + <p class="i2">Old boys are not always old fools.</p> + + <p>Out upon jealous blether!</p> + + <p class="i2">You've learnt in the best of schools.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I want to see you win, lads;</p> + + <p class="i2">Old LEO loves his cubs.</p> + + <p>If cynics growl or grin, lads,</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll drive them back to their tubs.</p> + + <p>Do you think my blood's so thin, lads,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd diet upon cold snubs?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The cynics think they're clever;</p> + + <p class="i2">Beshrew their big bow-wow!</p> + + <p>Boys, swing together ever,</p> + + <p class="i2">Steady from stroke to bow;</p> + + <p>One chain shall sever never—</p> + + <p class="i2">The love-links round us now!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHAT'S IN A NAME?</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will someone gifted with the <i>nous</i>,</p> + + <p>Explain the "why" of Spinning House?</p> + + <p>Is it to strike with wholesome fear</p> + + <p>The thoughtless Maiden whose career</p> + + <p>Looks like a sinning one?</p> + + <p>And thus the Judge her conscience wakes,</p> + + <p>Since he, when passing sentence, takes</p> + + <p>Good care to name a <i>Spinning</i> one?</p> + + <p>Or is it that in such a habitation,</p> + + <p>Herself a spinster more at home might feel;</p> + + <p>And in a Spinning House find occupation,</p> + + <p>Provided with a decent spinning-wheel;</p> + + <p>But there,—no matter whence it came,</p> + + <p>Or what's the meaning hidden in its name,</p> + + <p>About its destination there's no fear;</p> + + <p>And judging from a noted recent case,</p> + + <p>The Spinning House will,—it is pretty + clear,—</p> + + <p>Itself be soon sent spinning into space.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Is a husband worth having?" asks <i>Woman</i>. One reply + would be, "Well, that depends on whose husband it is." But, by + the way, this view was not under consideration.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" + id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/127.png" + alt="'ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!'" /></a> + + <h3>"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!"</h3>BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, + BOYS!—SWING TOGETHER!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" + id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> + + <h2>A WILD WELCOME.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>February's reign of gloom</p> + + <p class="i2">Out of mind and sight is,</p> + + <p>Noonday darkness of the tomb,</p> + + <p class="i2">Carbon and bronchitis.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though the air is keen and chill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cloudy though the skies are,</p> + + <p>Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Free from smart our eyes are.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bursting on the lengthening day</p> + + <p class="i2">Bellows March the Viking,</p> + + <p>"I have blown the fogs away;</p> + + <p class="i2">Is this to your liking?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead</p> + + <p class="i2">Sets the spirits bounding,</p> + + <p>Like the Major's chartered steed</p> + + <p class="i2">At the trumpet's sounding.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Welcome, roaring moon of dust,</p> + + <p class="i2">Welcome, Spring's reviver;</p> + + <p>On the race again we must</p> + + <p class="i2">Risk the wonted fiver;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fields are showing brighter green,</p> + + <p class="i2">Early buds are shooting;</p> + + <p>On the early youth is seen</p> + + <p class="i2">The new season's suiting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long it is since sparrows shrill</p> + + <p class="i2">With their chirping woke us;</p> + + <p>There is one with busy bill</p> + + <p class="i2">Worrying a crocus.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How they love the flow'r of spring—</p> + + <p class="i2">Never can resist it;</p> + + <p>What a graceful little thing—</p> + + <p class="i2">Bother, I have miss'd it!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now the wind along the plain</p> + + <p class="i2">Comes with roar and clatter—</p> + + <p>There, my hat is off again!</p> + + <p class="i2">Let it go—no matter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What am I, to say thee nay</p> + + <p class="i2">In thy rudest phases?</p> + + <p>Blow my Sunday hat away.</p> + + <p class="i2">Blow my hat to blazes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis but little we can do</p> + + <p class="i2">For thy bounty's measure—</p> + + <p>Sacrifice a hat or two?</p> + + <p class="i2">Forty hats, with pleasure.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK.</h2> + + <h4><i>From the Railway Improvement Phrase-Book.</i></h4> + + <p>That Nursery-maid with the three children and the + perambulator will certainly get run over by the train if she + stands there gossiping with the man in the signal-box.</p> + + <p>That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown + its rider this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing + engine.</p> + + <p>So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the + Gardens, and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm + that has taken the contract for the making of the new line.</p> + + <p>Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching + right across the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable + hatch-houses, puffing steam-cranes, and processions of + mud-carts, rather interfere with the beauty and tranquillity of + the place, but one must really bear in mind <i>that it is, + after all, only to last for live years.</i></p> + + <p>Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under + that luggage-train.</p> + + <p>It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget + the inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public + being able to get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for + twopence.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.—No man has a vote until he + has attained his majority. How about some districts where they + are nearly all Miners?</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN—TO DINNER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Dinner-Belle.</i>)</h4> + + <h4>No. II.—DON JUAN SENIOR.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To share with men the prandial gloom</p> + + <p class="i2">Of union forced that fatal custom</p> + + <p>Decrees to wither "youth and bloom,"</p> + + <p class="i2">(The phrase is from <i>Sohrab and + Rustum</i>)</p> + + <p>I've suffered boredom to the full;</p> + + <p class="i2">Professors dull—of Hindostani!</p> + + <p>Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull—</p> + + <p class="i2">He wasn't dull—was Don + GIOVANNI.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A widower <i>fêted</i> far and wide,</p> + + <p class="i2">The jauntiest Rake who drinks the + waters,</p> + + <p>Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride</p> + + <p class="i2">And terror of his decent daughters;</p> + + <p><i>Old</i> Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm</p> + + <p class="i2">Flirtations, free to fling his cash + on</p> + + <p>The dining Duchess, "mould of form!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Antique, good-looking "glass of + fashion."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/129.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He gossiped how the Viscount bets</p> + + <p class="i2">(Some heiress he must really "pick + up"),</p> + + <p>How noble dames smoke cigarettes</p> + + <p class="i2">And noble heels in ballets kick up.</p> + + <p>How "H.R.H."—<i>n'importe!</i> my friend</p> + + <p class="i2">Experience shows me that the + <i>laches</i></p> + + <p>Of such as air these letters tend</p> + + <p class="i2">In the direction of their "H"'s.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He chatted next of German Spas,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Continental, English "P.B.'s,"</p> + + <p>And how our matchmaking Mammas</p> + + <p class="i2">Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes,</p> + + <p>How he with Royalties had graced</p> + + <p class="i2">The latest function—genial + patrons—</p> + + <p>While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced</p> + + <p class="i2">Before the virtuous British matrons.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then his compliments began</p> + + <p class="i2">To rain like drops of Frangipanni,</p> + + <p>A most insinuating man</p> + + <p class="i2">He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI.</p> + + <p>You felt, if you could half believe,</p> + + <p class="i2">You'd but to word a whim to find it,</p> + + <p>You quite forgot he owned a sleeve,</p> + + <p class="i2">And several teeth to laugh behind it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There may be kindness, lofty souls,</p> + + <p class="i2">Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows + older,</p> + + <p><i>Him</i> the Material controls:</p> + + <p class="i2">He shrugs a sleek, good-natured + shoulder.</p> + + <p>Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke;</p> + + <p class="i2">Your choicest vintage passes; e'en + your</p> + + <p>Supreme tobacco ends in smoke—</p> + + <p class="i2">And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is + proposed to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England + and France.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>SONGS BY A CYNIC.</h3> + + <h4>LOVE.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What's Love, and all that Love can bring,</p> + + <p class="i2">Youth's earliest illusion:</p> + + <p>What tender words <i>she</i> used to sing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And blush with sweet confusion.</p> + + <p>How you would hang upon each word,</p> + + <p class="i2">When under spells of Cupid;</p> + + <p>When half she said was most absurd,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all extremely stupid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You loved her for her hair of gold.</p> + + <p class="i2">Unwitting that she dyed it;</p> + + <p>She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though Time had never tried it.</p> + + <p>Your worship came to such a pass,</p> + + <p class="i2">That, when you calmly view it,</p> + + <p>You feel you were an utter ass,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though then you never knew it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What happened? Why, the usual thing:</p> + + <p class="i2">While round her you would linger,</p> + + <p>Her love was fragile as the ring</p> + + <p class="i2">You bought to grace her finger.</p> + + <p>She went off with another man,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so you had to sever:</p> + + <p>Thus women since the world began</p> + + <p class="i2">Have done, and will do ever.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER.</h3> + + <p>I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up + to a festival called "<i>The Coming Race</i>." I was there at + the opening on Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, + attended by her husband, Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared + the Bazaar open. A gay and festive scene. Here, there, and + everywhere, Egyptian houses made of cardboard, containing + stalls full of the most useful articles imaginable. On the + daïs, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting purses + (containing £3 3<i>s.</i> and upwards) to the Princess, who + received them with an affability which won the hearts of all + beholders. On the floor of the building was a gaily-dressed + throng, which included many a distinguished person. The revelry + continued for three days, and was, I trust, the means of + obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt, is most + deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much + at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere + else.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>FÊTE OR FATE?</h3> + + <h4>OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH.</h4> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Impressionist.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lights and bouquets—flush and flare—</p> + + <p>Motley medley—splash affair—</p> + + <p>Deft disguises—flute and fife—</p> + + <p>Half the world without his wife—</p> + + <p>Dominos, and masks, and faces—</p> + + <p>Graces three—and three Disgraces.</p> + + <p>Jacks-in-boxes—tambour-majors—</p> + + <p>Janes in office—ancient stagers—</p> + + <p>REYNOLDS' Duchess—Shepherdesses;</p> + + <p>(Burlington) Arcadian tresses—</p> + + <p>Primrose damsels,—clowns and + follies,—</p> + + <p>Organ-grinders—Flemish dollies—</p> + + <p>Macaronis, rather muddy,</p> + + <p>Of the central stud a study—</p> + + <p>England's mashers, Afric's dark sons—</p> + + <p>NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's—</p> + + <p>All costumes not apt the back to,</p> + + <p>Some of them inclined to crack too—</p> + + <p>Martyred revellers in upper</p> + + <p>Rooms, and singing for their supper.</p> + + <p>Bright confusion—many a mad hunt—</p> + + <p>Five o'clock—<i>and wish I hadn't.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH + CENTURY.—Revival of <i>Charles the First</i>!!! (at the + Lyceum).</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" + id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/130.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/130.png" + alt="Arthur Golfour." /></a> + + <h3>ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. No. 2.—ARTHUR + GOLFOUR.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" + id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span> + + <h3>MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What are you doing, my pretty Maid?"</p> + + <p>"I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"May I question you, my pretty Maid?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"Who is your father, my pretty Maid?"</p> + + <p>"JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?"</p> + + <p>"My race is my fortune, Sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!"</p> + + <p>"Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.—<i>Mr. Punch</i>, + Perpetual Universal Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, + congratulates H.R.H., Grand Master of English Freemasons, on + his plucky and straightforward action with regard to the G.M. + of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, having contravened + the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878, may now exclaim, + in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some great + Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once + frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was + <i>not</i> Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>RECIPROCITY.—"MACE," in <i>The Illustrated London + News</i>, says, sweepingly:—"No Under-Secretary ever has + any opinion of his own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom + has any opinion of an Under-Secretary!</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/131-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/131-1.png" + alt="AMERICAN 'COPYRIGHT BILL.'" /></a> + + <h3>AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART.</h3> + + <h4>"DIE, VILLAIN!"</h4>"The extinction of literary piracy + in America has been decreed."—<i>Times Leader, March + 5.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 2.</i>—Navy + Estimates on to-night. Millions of money to be voted, and only + fourteen Members present. One, it is true, is HARCOURT; so + perhaps the most accurate enumeration of the aggregate would be + fifteen.</p> + + <p>"<i>Que diable allait-il faire dans ce</i> jolly-boat?" + GEORGE HAMILTON asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant + occupation of tearing up strips of paper to glance across table + at portly figure reclining on Front Opposition Bench. Several + Admirals and Captains have spoken. Members generally have fled + the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's sense of duty to his + Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; but CASABIANCA + HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the Old Salts + descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying + toleration with which he listens. Doesn't <i>say</i> they're + all wrong, but smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating + COLOMB falters when, glancing round the great gaps of empty + Benches opposite, his eye falls on HARCOURT.</p> + + <p>"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had + contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed + since commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the + United Kingdom has increased only one-and-a-half times, while + that of the outlying Empire has multiplied five-fold."</p> + + <p>General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every + department of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought + that at least he knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; + knows more than Admiral FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even + Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and delivered slashing speech, + laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as if he had been set up in + the Place Vendôme; reviewing the British Fleet in masterly + style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting Jerusalem + and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First Lord + of the Admiralty.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:19%;"> + <a href="images/131-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/131-2.png" + alt="Kerans." /></a>Something more than his full + height. + </div> + + <p>"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more + than his full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I + ever heard, even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our + side. HOWORTH knows a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking + in accomplishment; but for versatility, for profundity of + knowledge, for readiness of grasp, whether the object be a + lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the Exchequer's ledger, the + hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship, give me + HARCOURT."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Committee on the Navy + Estimates.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about + the Fog? Couldn't something be done to lighten it, say by + appointment of Royal Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across + House upon his young friend with expression of almost paternal + solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the allied force. What did he + mean by suddenly springing this question on the First Lord of + the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye? Had it + something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the + Union?</p> + + <p>CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring + straight into space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, + with hat cunningly tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have + lain far in their pellucid depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly + absorbed in the brown gaiters he has recently added to the + graces of his personal appearance, in pathetic admission that + the natural charms of youth are at length fading.</p> + + <p>Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the + Union really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden + behind the smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The + only thing to do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD + MORALITY, was to meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, + plain enough as it appeared in print on the prosaic Orders, + was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers consider the advisability of + appointing a Royal Commission to examine and report how far the + evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by legislation?"</p> + + <p>"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to + assure my Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in + common with other inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely + sensible of the serious injury, disturbance, and hardship + inflicted by the increasing prevalence of fog. What, it may be + asked, is the cause of the London fog? These fogs, which occur + generally in the winter time, are occasioned thus: some current + of air, being suddenly cooled, descends into the warm streets, + forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the earth. But, my + Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every night? I + will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's + Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our + wish is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever + part of the House they sit. Fogs—this I have no + hesitation in stating—do not supervene without + intermission on successive nights, because the air will always + hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies + according to its temperature, and when the air is not + saturated, it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. + Yes, I know. My Right Hon. Friend, the Member + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page132" + id="page132"></a>[pg 132]</span> for West Birmingham, with + his usual acumen—which I am sure we all + recognise—asks me, In what circumstances do fogs occur + at night? I am much obliged to him for reminding me of the + point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has been saturated + with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it + deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form + known in rural districts—as my Hon. Friend, the Member + for the Bordesley Division, is well aware—as dew. In + the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog. This process of + deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the air for + holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing + night. I think I have now answered the question of my Noble + Friend fully, and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, + upon consideration, see that this is not a matter with which + a Royal Commission could be expected successfully to cope, + and, therefore, I may add, Her Majesty's Government do not, + after full consideration of their duty to the QUEEN and + Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion thrown + out by my Noble Friend."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/132-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/132-1.png" + alt="Bramston Beach." /></a>Feeling his Way through + the Fog. + </div> + + <p>BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; + remained very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes + to eleven he thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's + meaning. "Yes," he added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling + my way through the fog."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution + negatived by 291 Votes against 189.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—In Lords to-night, three white + figures fluttered down gently on to red Benches, like virgin + flakes of snow. But, unlike snow, they didn't melt. On close + examination, turned out to be three new Bishops; two of them + old friends, with new titles.</p> + + <p>"Like <i>Bottom</i>, translated," BRAMWELL growls.</p> + + <p>Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back + Archbishop of York. The ceremony of their installation not + nearly so comic as that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter + King-at-Arms does not appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any + game of Follow-my-leader round the Benches.</p> + + <p>"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says + has no strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would + never do. Must be careful with our Bishops."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/132-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/132-2.png" + alt="The Inflammable Liquor Bill." /></a>The + Inflammable Liquor Bill. + </div> + + <p>So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the + LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal + Bench, folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent + an added air of peace and purity to the precincts.</p> + + <p>DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had + promised to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill, + limiting duration of Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons, + whilst ATKINSON turned his attention to his Dowagers Bill.</p> + + <p>"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes + thought an alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition + between two estates of the realm, might work great things. But + I'm beginning to lose confidence in him. At certain periods of + the lunar month he's too comprehensive in his legislative + ambition. Why wasn't he content with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why + drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers, dear TOBY, have, if I may + say so—using the phrase strictly in Parliamentary + sense—got their arms round the neck of my friend + ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, + between us, we could have put things straight generally."</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Navy Estimates in Commons.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—PHILIPPE EGALITÉ very rarely troubles + House with ordered speech. A good deal on his mind looking + after JACOBY, and keeping the Party straight. But his silence + doesn't arise from incapacity to speak. This shown to-night in + his speech on Railway Rates and Charges. Full of good matter, + admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK proposed to discuss + Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about it particularly. + So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the chief + <i>Business done</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A New Song to an Old Tune.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern + pate,</p> + + <p>Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of + State,</p> + + <p>Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old + rate,</p> + + <p>With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his + gate;</p> + + <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor, all of + the modern time.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse + of time"</p> + + <p>(He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more + sublime;</p> + + <p>For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must + obey.</p> + + <p>And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial + way,</p> + + <p class="i6">Of this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) + "he'd not oppose."</p> + + <p>Social reform or Education <i>he</i>'d not treat as + foes,</p> + + <p>But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might + trip his toes,</p> + + <p>And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it + (by the nose?),</p> + + <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now surely this is better far than all the old + parade</p> + + <p>Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade;</p> + + <p>And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be + said,</p> + + <p>Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow <i>he knows his + trade</i>,</p> + + <p class="i6">Does this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There were some who did not like it,—there are + always such, one knows,</p> + + <p>Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style + oppose.</p> + + <p>Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not + see</p> + + <p>Laying down his long-held power, and submitting + tranquilly</p> + + <p class="i6">To this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>He</i> was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love + the plough,</p> + + <p>So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, + roused lots of row.</p> + + <p>For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon + the shelf,</p> + + <p>Found that long control of others did <i>not</i> + mean control of self,</p> + + <p class="i6"><i>Or</i> this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to + lead the dance,</p> + + <p>Has a very trying <i>vis-à-vis</i>, that fractious + dame, <i>La France</i>,</p> + + <p>To keep step with that lady, without treading on her + train,</p> + + <p>Would tax Terpsichore herself; <i>he</i> finds the + effort vain;</p> + + <p class="i6">Does this fine young German Emperor, + &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish + task,</p> + + <p>That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact + will task.</p> + + <p>Let us wish him patriot wisdom, <i>and</i> respect + for Elder Fame,</p> + + <p>And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a + noble name,</p> + + <p class="i6">This fine young German Emperor, all of + the modern time!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A ROUGH CROSSING.</h3> + + <p>That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, + and his head covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just + returned from fighting the Dacoits in Upper Burmah?</p> + + <p>I certainly <i>am</i> surprised when you inform me that he + has only tried to cross a London street in a fog.</p> + + <p>Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just + thundered past at twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was + <i>not</i> a fire-engine, but only a covered Van?</p> + + <p>Yes, I believe it <i>is</i> a fact that special beds in all + the Hospitals are now reserved for Van-victims.</p> + + <p>Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to + the Rear; still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so + much like a highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your + life!"</p> + + <p>If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van + will have to carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with + it.</p> + + <p>What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting + angrily? Oh, I suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over + by the Coal-waggon and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is + remonstrating with the driver?</p> + + <p>What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing + the old gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way?</p> + + <p>I <i>have</i> heard that the Insurance Companies now insert + in their policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any + street in London, except under police escort.</p> + + <p>And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down + in the streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time + that something were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in + his wild career?</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100. March 14, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13186-h.htm or 13186-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/1/8/13186/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100. March 14, 1891. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 15, 2004 [EBook #13186] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 14, 1891. + + + + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. III.--THE BIOGRAPHER. + +We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take a +further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, who +has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of a +suburban villa--let us say at Norwood. You are in your dining-room, +examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather holds up, you +will take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you +are told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on +particular business." The very word excites you, not unpleasantly, +nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's business, or the District +Board, or the County Council--it is enough that your experience and +practical knowledge of affairs are in request--and, better still, +it will give you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own +importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, with +red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in documents which he has +brought with him in a black bag. + +[Illustration: "Your Visitor has his Note-book out."] + +"I _have_ the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I think?" he says. +"Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself extremely fortunate +in finding you at home, I assure you, and a very charming place +you have here--abundant evidence of a refined and cultivated mind, +excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I may +say so, elegant in the extreme--as was to be expected! Even from the +cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lend +itself admirably to picturesque description--which brings me to the +object of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope of +eliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compiling--a +work which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your +wide culture and interest in literary matters." (_Here you will look +as judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a +new Encyclopaedia, or an illustrated edition of_ SHAKSPEARE's _works_.) +"The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, _Notable Nonentities +of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely, +rather taken by the title._) "It will be published very shortly, by +subscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up in +the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted, +and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is my +ambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every living +celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will +be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely +new process upon India and Japanese paper; everything--type, ink, +paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers being +determined to spare no expense in making it a book of reference +superior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (_As he pauses +fur breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a +work, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing--but that, for +your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting the +Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you_--) + +"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I should +not dream of expecting you to _subscribe_ to such a work. But, in +my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone +that care and research can effect to render the work complete--and +it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to +so distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("_Oh, pooh--nonsense!" +You will say at this--but you will sit down again_) "Norwood is a +singularly favoured locality. Sir; its charms have induced many of our +foremost men to select it for their _rus in urbe_. Why, in this very +road--May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with Alderman +MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to furnish me with many +interesting details of his personal career, a photo-gravured portrait +of him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of +'The Drudgeries,' and a bit from the back-garden." (_You do know_ +MINCING--_and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the absurd +vanity of the man_--_a mere nobody, away from the City!_) "Between +ourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed +your expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted +in allotting Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider +himself entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable +man, does _not_ appeal to the popular imagination as others I could +mention do--he is just a _little_ commonplace!" ("_Shrewd follow, +this!" you think to yourself--"Got_ MINCING's _measure!_") "But I +should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now, +would give me all the personal information you think proper to make +public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and +artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I +do trust that you will see your way to--" (_At first, you suggest that +you must talk it over with your Wife--but you presently see that if_ +MINCING _and men of that calibre are to be in this, you cannot, for +your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor soon has his note-book +out._) "Any remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE? +A strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to black-beetles--both +of which you still retain? Thank you, _very_ much. And you were +educated? At Dulborough Grammar School? Just _so_! Never took to +Latin, or learned Greek? Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves +thus early--curious, _indeed_! Entered your father's office as +clerk? Became a partner? Married your present lady--when? In 1860? +Exactly!--and have offspring? Your subsequent life comparatively +uneventful? That will do admirably--infinitely obliged to you, I am +sure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy +of the work, when issued, forwarded to you--we can do it for you at +the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance--a gratifying +possession for your children after you have gone, Mr. LANE! I _may_ +put you down? Thank you. For _two_ copies?" (_On second thoughts, +you do order two copies; you can send one out to your married +Sister in Australia_--_it will amuse her._) "One, two, three, four +guineas--_quite_ correct, Mr. LANE, and you shall have an early +opportunity of revising a proof, and we will send down a competent +artist, in a day or two, to take the photographs. Quite an agreeable +change in the weather, is it not? _Good_ day!" + +[Illustration: "You may have to wait."] + +He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer, +and the appearance of that great work. _Notable Nonentities of +Norwood_,--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait +a considerable time. + + * * * * * + +IAGO ON THE GREAT SERMON QUESTION. + + Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public, + Is the immediate jewel of their souls. + Who steals my _sermon_, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; + 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens; + But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist, + Robs me of that which is no good to him, + And leaves me poor--in credit. + + * * * * * + +"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.--A new book of advice for intending +Travellers has recently been published, entitled, "_Where to Stay_." +It is both ornamental and useful; but so much depends on ways and +means, that, after careful consideration, _Mr. Punch_, when asked +"_Where to Stay_," considers the safest answer will always be, "_At +home_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CHUCKED!" + + ["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber having + yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, rejected a Bill + legalising the _pari mutuel_, and the Government having + pledged itself to enforce the law against gambling."--_Times + Paris Correspondent_.] + +_The Bookie_. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE +LIKE 'OME!"] + +(_EXTRACT OF LETTER FROM_ DICKY DIDDLUM, _BOOKMAKER, PARIS, TO_ +BOUNDING BOB, _DITTO, NEWMARKET._) + +"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly _hup_ as the top of the +Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after all. Thought we _had_ +taught 'em a bit about _Ler Sport_ by this time: but, bless yer, BOB, +once a Pollyvoo, always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a +'Oss, or knows 'ow to make a Book! + +"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County Councils, +dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the Detective bizness in +their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there won't be a safe look in for +a party as wants to do a nice little flutter--unless, of course, he's +a Stock-Exchange spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines. +_Then_ he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses as much as +he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French _Bourse_ 'ud get along +without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss barney, as every man as _is_ a man +finds the werry salt of life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin' +played down too darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all? +Why, 'No Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact +size of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB! + +"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, fur as _I_ +see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a Republican, too, bless his boko! +said as 'races were essential to 'orsebreeding, and that without +betting there would be no races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.! +And then they up and chuck hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no +betting, no races; no racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's +how it runs, BOB, or I'm a sossidge! + +"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for anythink. Look +at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the Hempress! Why, if +_we_ 'ad that duffer, DEROULEDE, on Newmarket 'Eath, we should just +duck him in a 'orsepond, like a copped Welsher. Here they washup him, +or else knuckle under to him, like a skeery Coster's missus when +her old man's on the mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his +bloomin' high-lows. _That's_ yer high-polite French Artists and brave +booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah! + +"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. MOSSOO +CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would be an end to +bookmakers.' And it _was_ carried, by 340 mugs against 144 right 'uns. +And arter all me and my sort has done for Parry! It's mean, that's +wot it is, BOB. P'raps they'll chuck British _jockeys_ next! Much good +their _Grong Pree_, ancetrer, will be _then_, my boy. _Our_ 'osses, +_our_ jockeys, _and_ our bookies has bin the making of French +Sport,--and werrv nice little pickings there's bin out of it take it +all round. Wot'll _Ler Hig Life_, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots, +and miles o' bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do +for Parry without _hus_, I wonder? We shall _see_! Ah, Madame _lar +Republick_, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your bullyin' jondarms, +for chucking o' me afore you're through. As MAT MOPUS put it:-- + + It was all werry well to dissemble yer love, + But wy did yer kick me down-stairs? + +Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next week, BOB. +Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, there's no place +like 'ome! No!-- + + 'Mid _Boises_ and Bullyvards tho' we may roam, + Be it hever so foggy, there's no place _like_ 'ome; + A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport there, + Wich, look where you will, isn't met with elsewhere. + 'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome, + Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like 'ome! + + A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main; + Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again; + The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl, + Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all. + 'Ome, 'ome, + Sweet, sweet 'ome, + With RAIKES[1], LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome. + +"Mean to sing _that_ at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But till then, +Ta--ta!!" + +[Footnote 1: Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL +SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegrams +transmitted by the Post-office Department."] + + * * * * * + +DESDEMONA TO THE AUTHOR OF "DORIAN GRAY." + +(_A PROPOS OF HIS PARAGRAPHIC PREFACE._) + +"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club corner. +What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and foolish?" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN A NAME.--A recent theatrical announcement informed us +that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of a Mr. HENRY DAM. +If successful, imagine the audience calling for the Author by name. If +a triumph, the new dramatist will be known as "The big, big D." + + * * * * * + +BY A TIRED AND CYNICAL CRITIC OF CURRENT FICTION. + + A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen. + A School? What's really wanted is a Prison. + Life-long confinement far from pen and ink + _Might_ cure the crowd of fictionists, I _think_. + Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight, + Go teach the Novelist how _not_ to write! + + * * * * * + +ATHLETICS.--It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbid +the popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon the ground that it +may lead to shoplifting. + + * * * * * + +WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.--_Lady B-ountiful_ first, at the Garrick, +and _Lady B-arter_ at the Princess's. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS. + +_Big Ben_. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! JUST LOOK AT YOU +AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE _ALWAYS_ TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, +HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST +FRIENDS FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I +POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!" + +_Little Dick_ (_dreamily_). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE +_NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!_"] + + * * * * * + +THE FIRST ACT--AND THE LAST. + +(_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._) + +ACT I.--_The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction +Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and +Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Charts +cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery +used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the +Authorities, are scattered about in every direction._ TOMMY ATKINS +_is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very +lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture._ + +_Military Instructor_ (_who has been for an hour and a half explaining +the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approaching +the end of his subject_). Well, as I have fully explained before, but +may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you +will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened +in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, +and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a +small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while +the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases +or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the +locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-four +different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retain +their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not +forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, +and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and +.116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that, +if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you will +practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should be +thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which, +properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. I +think I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewes +system is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500 +yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark, +I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (_gives him +one_), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in the +heat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured +to impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head +cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have made +myself pretty clear? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will +find it, what they assure me it is,--a most serviceable weapon. + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_saluting_). 'Ees, Sir! + + [_Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends._ + +ACT II.--_The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight) +in the immediate neighbourhood of London._ TOMMY ATKINS _and the_ +Military Instructor _discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of +the slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the +Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding +that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few +of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided +for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a +Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge +for the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of +pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury_, Mr. STANHOPE +_is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London +capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on +by the_ LORD MAYOR, _in the Bank of England._ + +_Military Instructor_ (_sitting up and rubbing his eyes_). Dear me! +we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all. +(_Recognising him._) Halloa, ATKINS! + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. You remember all I told you? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable +weapon, after all! + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this! +By Jove! it looks like the last Act! + + [_Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the + Battle-field, the_ Military Instructor _threatening to write + to the "Times," and_ TOMMY ATKINS _still grinning as Curtain + falls._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sylvanus_. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE +MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!" + +_Urbanus_. "OH--ER--YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"] + + * * * * * + +UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. + + ["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for ----, feel + that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side + in a Division?"--_Evening Paper_.] + + SCENE--_A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered apparently dying + in the hour of victory._ + +_Faithful Aide-de-Camp_. The enemy run, Sir! We have beaten them off +on every side! + +_Colonel_ (_faintly_). That is well! (_with a sigh_) and yet my heart +is heavy within me! Believe me, SMITH, I cannot die easily. + +_F.A.-de-C._ And yet the vacancy thus created would be found a +stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, Sir? + +_Col. X._ I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a politician the idea +is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had always done my duty in +the House of Commons! But no, with a view to obtaining this command, +I voted against my convictions! I supported the Government in their +proposal to tax perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I +was weak and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could +live to repair the past. + +_Opposition Whip_ (_suddenly springing up from behind a limber a la_ +HAWKSHAW _the Detective_). It is _not_ too late! Return with me to +Westminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! With +a special train we shall be in time! You can yet record your vote! + +_Col. X._ (_suddenly reviving_). Say you so? Then I _will_ recover! I +_will_ do my duty! + + [_Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put permanently + on the shelf, from a military point of view!_ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in _Scribner_, for March, is +interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to be a charming +people; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they can +be divorced for being talkative. + +_A propos_ of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA JOKO's capital +illustrations of Hospital Nursing in _The English Illustrated +Magazine_, the Matron's room must be "an illigant place, intoirely"; +while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a patient a +cup of ink by mistake for liquorice-water isn't a real good practical +side-splitter, the Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we +come upon a delightful little picture of "_The Pet of the Hospital_"; +and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing Sister +it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does she marry a +"Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she must be a "great +attraction," and if anything were to happen to the Baron, and he +couldn't be removed to his own palatial residence, he would say, "Put +me in a cab, drive me to the Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty +Pet's Ward." + +The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY McCARTHY's +"Pages on Plays" in _The Gentleman's Magazine_. JUSTIN HUNTLY +expresses his opinion that "_The Dancing Girl_ will almost certainly +be the play of the season; it will probably be the principal play of +the year." "Almost certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The +Baron backs _The Idler_ against _The Dancing Girl_ for a run. In the +same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short story, +called _Sally_, material that would have served some authors for a +three-volume novel. + +It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on any one +point with the Author of _Essays in Little_, and in proportion to +the number of the points so is the Baron's pleasure intensified. Most +intending readers of these Essays, on taking up the book, would be +less curious to ascertain what ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER +and the study of Greek, about THEODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES +BAYLEY, the Sagas, and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions +on DICKENS and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more +popular. The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays +of ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on any +account, omit the delightfully written and truly appreciative article +on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you please, but finish with "_the +last fashionable novel_," wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest +mood, treats us to an excellent parody. + +The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this Extra-Ordinary +Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the discharge of his duties +by reading _Monte Carlo, and How to Do It_, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and +G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following +terms to his loved Chief:--This book achieves the task of combining +extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid +dulness--not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of low slang +and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume themselves on their +marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, which, with their usual +sprightly facetiousness, they call "Charley's Mount." They are good +enough to tell such of the travelling public as may want to get there, +that the train leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35. +Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the steamer +(Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, where there +is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead of going by the +_Ceinture_, they drove across Paris. The greenhorns arrive at Monte +Carlo, and then settle on their quarters. Anyone but an idiot would +have settled all this, and much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly +greenhorn, who wishes us to think that "_il connait son Paris_," talks +of "suppers of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish), +and informs us that, "at the Hotel de l'Athenee, the staff esteem it +rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, to grin +and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and swearing British +greenhorn! now I know why the French so greatly love our countrymen. +But why, oh why do you imagine that you have discovered Monte Carlo? +For the details of the journey, and the instructions to future +explorers, are set out with a painful minuteness which not even +STANLEY could rival. As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned, +picturesque Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from +the glare and noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it +scornfully, as having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center +want? He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who +are "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The +Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the French soldier +that "the short service forty-eight-day men don't have a very +unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for you, there's elegance! +Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically eloquent on the subject of +fleas, throws in such lucid expressions as "chin music," "gives him +biff," "his craft is thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and +his fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most foolish +greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can imagine +the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, blatant, +gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as sportsmen, +and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the Baron to his +Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with his signature, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MORE IBSENITY! + +[Illustration] + +Dear EDITOR,--Noticing that the author of _The Doll's House_ was to +have another morning, or, to use an equally suitable epithet, mourning +performance devoted to his works, I made up my mind, after bracing +up my nerves, to attend it. The 23rd of February (the date of the +proposed function) as the second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too, +distinctly appropriate. By attending the performance--IBSEN recommends +self-execution--I sentenced myself to three hours and a half of +boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot help feeling that whatever +my past may have been, the penance paid to wipe it out was excessive, +and therefore rendered it unnecessary that I should attend a second +performance announced for last week. + +_Rosmershoelm_ is in four Acts and one Scene--a room in _Rosmer's_ +House. Act I. _Rector Kroll_, who is the brother-in-law of _Pastor +Rosmer_, calls upon the latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the +Conservative interest. _Kroll_ (who, by the way, is a married man) +before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild flirtation +with _Rebecca West_, a female of a certain age, who has taken up her +abode for some years in the Rector's house. And here I may observe +that the Rector's housekeeper, _Madame Helseth_, presumably a highly +respectable person, although she has excellent reasons, from the +first, for believing that the relations between her Master and +_Rebecca_ are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic arrangements of +the Rosmer _menage_ with hearty acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm. +_Rosmer_ interrupts the Rector's _tete-a-tete_ with the fascinating +_Rebecca_, and declines the proffered editorship, because he is a +Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,--no action to speak of, but +a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we learn that the late _Mrs. +Rosmer_ has committed suicide, because she was informed that the +apostate Pastor could only save his villainy from exposure by giving +immediately the position of wife to her friend _Rebecca_. She has had +this tip on the most reliable authority,--it has been furnished by +_Rebecca_ herself. Then the Pastor asks _Rebecca_ to marry him, but +is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it be that she has tired +of her guilty passion. In Act III. _Rebecca_ admits to the widower and +his brother-in-law that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares +to decamp. In the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has +been in love with _Rebecca_ from the first, loves her now, but is not +sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this point, will +she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as to jump into the +mill-stream, and drown herself? With pleasure--and she takes a header! +He explains that courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and +follows her example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily! + +And this is the plot! And what about the characters? _Rebecca_ is +merely a hysterical old maid, who would have been set right, in +the time of the Tudors, with a sound ducking; and nowadays, had +she consulted a fashionable physician, she would have been probably +ordered a sea-voyage, and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is +a feeble, fickle fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in +his life. He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that +she married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an +entirely convincing nature. The _Rector Kroll_ is a prig and a bore +of the first water. When he discovers _Rebecca's_ perfidy, he suggests +that she may have inherited her proneness for treachery from her +father--and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the name of a +gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a parent! The best line +in the piece, to my mind--and it certainly "went with a roar"--is a +question of the housekeeper--answered in the negative--"Have you ever +seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! Pretentious +twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it less idiotic. And +_so_ dull! + +As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I dislike +undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my opinion is +shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic of _Truth_, wrote +last week--"The few independent persons who have sat out a play by +IBSEN, be it _The Doll's House_, or _The Pillars of Society_, or +_Rosmershoelm_, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff before the +playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, remove your _claque_, +exhaust your attendance of the socialist and the sexless, and then see +where your IBSEN will be.' I have never known an audience that cared +to pay to be bored, and the over-vaunted _Rosmershoelm_ bored even the +Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their martyrdom! +I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have never seen a +dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I wish I could say as +much, and I shall be surprised if you do not appreciate the feeling, +after you too have partaken of this truly Lenten fare. Yours +sincerely, + +ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN--AT A DISTANCE. + + * * * * * + +STRIKING TIMES. + +NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD. + +(_BY A LABOURING ELECTOR._) + + Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to my song. + The times should much amuse you; you are up, and going strong. + The Working Men of England at length begin to see + That _their_ parsnips for to butter now the Parties all agree. + + _Chorus._ + + _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way,_ + _And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter every day!_ + + This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it strikes me so. + Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must go. + NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an artful plan; + But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY MANN! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and M.P.'s, + Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we darn please. + Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his neighbour; + Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they _all_ love _Labour_! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he _looks_ as hard as nails, + But when he wants to butter _us_, the Dorset never fails; + He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and messy. + He _couldn't_ flummerify us more were each of us a JESSE! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; _his_ treacle's pretty thick; + _He_ gives the Tories the straight tip,--and don't they take it--quick? + And now, by Jove, it's comical!--where _will_ the fashion end?-- + There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine Labourer's Friend! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's drawing nigh, + And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll _promise_ for to try. + They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty Labouring Host, + Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have you all on toast! + + _Chorus._ + + _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way._ + _They'll strain their throats,--you mind your votes, and you may find it pay!_ + + * * * * * + +WILDE FLOWERS. + +Some other fellow, in the _P.M.G._, has been beforehand with us in +spotting "A Preface to _Dorian Gray_," by our OSCAR WILDE-r than +ever, in this month's _Fortnightly. Dorian Gray_ was published some +considerable time ago, so it belongs to ancient history, and now, +after this lapse of time, out comes the preface. And this "preface" +occupies the better part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of +two pages; which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows +of bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant aphorisms. +The rule of the arrangement seems to be.--"when in doubt, plant +asterisks." _Sic itur ad astra._ The garden is open to all, let us +cull; here one and there one. "_To reveal Art and conceal the Artist, +is Art's aim._" Is there not in this the scent of "_Ars est celare +artem_"? "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "_Puris omnia +pura_" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if I mistake +not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to the stalk of +another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to "adapt" Scripture to +one's purpose is not to quote it. _Vade retro!_ Do we not recognise +something familiar in "_When Critics disagree the Artist is in accord +with himself?_" + +But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is over, then +arises the despairing cry of our own cherished OSCAR. It is in the +_Last of the Aphorisms_; after which, exhausted, he can only sign his +name, fling away the goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious +arm-chair exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into +the work of one short hour. Ah! "_La plupart des livres d'a present +ont l'air d'avoir ete faits en un jour avec des livres lus de la +veille._" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, RIVAROL, and JEAN +MORLE. "_Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!_ Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let +us be natural, or shut up shop. Yet there is a chance,--to be +supernatural. The great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among +the gods, open to any aspirant for immortality. "_All Art is quite +useless!_" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? "Is this +the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word--for the present. Pan is dead! +_Vive_ Pannikin! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CES AUTRES." + +(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.) + +_Captain Bergamot_. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN THE SERVICE, MISS DE +BULLION?" + +_Miss de Bullion_. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, AND--A--" (_with +disgust_)--"THE REST IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" + +A SONG OF SYMPATHY. + +(_SOME WAY AFTER A CELEBRATED BOATING SONG._) + + ["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the Colonies + continued separate they must become hostile communities, + and, in order that they might prevent that, it was for + the whole people to join in creating one great Union + Government."--REUTER.] + +Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, _an Old Blue, and a sympathetic on-looker, +loquitur_:-- + + Capital boating weather! + Ay, and a favouring breeze! + Oars upon the feather! + Sun of the Southern Seas! + Brave boys! Swing together, + Your bodies between your knees! + + Pheugh! How old memory rushes + Over me!--Pulled indeed! + Though LEO seldom gushes, + And these be of LEO's breed, + The blood of an Old Blue flushes + At the Young Blues' power and speed! + + Coach them, or patronise them? + Nay, I've no call for that. + To cheer them, not to advise them, + I'm on this path,--that's pat! + Affection admiringly eyes them:-- + Once in a boat I sat! + + Pulled my weight at a pinch, + For odds cared never a "cuss;" + No stern-chase caused me to flinch, + But--always detested fuss. + Strain the last ounce, and inch! + Races are won, boys, _thus_! + + Look a most likely lot, + Lionlets lithe and young. + Pace? They will make it hot. + Few can have feathered and swung + Better. Tall talk is rot; + But, hang it! I _must_ give tongue! + + There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales," + "Australia South" and "West," + "Victoria,"--each one scales + Good weight, and with girth of chest; + "New Zealand's" zeal prevails, + He'll swing in time with the rest. + + The hero born of Thetis + Had pluck enow. What then? + Each hero here, whose meat is + "Hard steak and harder hen," + As stalwart and as fleet is + As the Greek first of men! + + "Stroke" sets it long and steady; + _That_ gladdens a true Old Blue. + There's nothing hot and heady + In sturdy Number Two. + There are coxens sharp and ready + In the Land of the Kangaroo! + + Go it, lads! Swing together! + Push elders from their stools? + Pooh! _I_ shall moult no feather; + Old boys are not always old fools. + Out upon jealous blether! + You've learnt in the best of schools. + + I want to see you win, lads; + Old LEO loves his cubs. + If cynics growl or grin, lads, + We'll drive them back to their tubs. + Do you think my blood's so thin, lads, + I'd diet upon cold snubs? + + The cynics think they're clever; + Beshrew their big bow-wow! + Boys, swing together ever, + Steady from stroke to bow; + One chain shall sever never-- + The love-links round us now! + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? + + Will someone gifted with the _nous_, + Explain the "why" of Spinning House? + Is it to strike with wholesome fear + The thoughtless Maiden whose career + Looks like a sinning one? + And thus the Judge her conscience wakes, + Since he, when passing sentence, takes + Good care to name a _Spinning_ one? + Or is it that in such a habitation, + Herself a spinster more at home might feel; + And in a Spinning House find occupation, + Provided with a decent spinning-wheel; + But there,--no matter whence it came, + Or what's the meaning hidden in its name, + About its destination there's no fear; + And judging from a noted recent case, + The Spinning House will,--it is pretty clear,-- + Itself be soon sent spinning into space. + + * * * * * + +"Is a husband worth having?" asks _Woman_. One reply would be, "Well, +that depends on whose husband it is." But, by the way, this view was +not under consideration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" + +BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, BOYS!--SWING TOGETHER!!"] + + * * * * * + +A WILD WELCOME. + + February's reign of gloom + Out of mind and sight is, + Noonday darkness of the tomb, + Carbon and bronchitis. + + Though the air is keen and chill, + Cloudy though the skies are, + Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill, + Free from smart our eyes are. + + Bursting on the lengthening day + Bellows March the Viking, + "I have blown the fogs away; + Is this to your liking?" + + Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead + Sets the spirits bounding, + Like the Major's chartered steed + At the trumpet's sounding. + + Welcome, roaring moon of dust, + Welcome, Spring's reviver; + On the race again we must + Risk the wonted fiver; + + Fields are showing brighter green, + Early buds are shooting; + On the early youth is seen + The new season's suiting. + + Long it is since sparrows shrill + With their chirping woke us; + There is one with busy bill + Worrying a crocus. + + How they love the flow'r of spring-- + Never can resist it; + What a graceful little thing-- + Bother, I have miss'd it! + + Now the wind along the plain + Comes with roar and clatter-- + There, my hat is off again! + Let it go--no matter. + + What am I, to say thee nay + In thy rudest phases? + Blow my Sunday hat away. + Blow my hat to blazes. + + 'Tis but little we can do + For thy bounty's measure-- + Sacrifice a hat or two? + Forty hats, with pleasure. + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK. + +_FROM THE RAILWAY IMPROVEMENT PHRASE-BOOK._ + +That Nursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator will +certainly get run over by the train if she stands there gossiping with +the man in the signal-box. + +That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown its rider +this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing engine. + +So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens, +and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken the +contract for the making of the new line. + +Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right across +the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable hatch-houses, puffing +steam-cranes, and processions of mud-carts, rather interfere with the +beauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bear in mind +_that it is, after all, only to last for live years._ + +Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under that +luggage-train. + +It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget the +inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public being able to +get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for twopence. + + * * * * * + +QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.--No man has a vote until he has attained his +majority. How about some districts where they are nearly all Miners? + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. II.--DON JUAN SENIOR. + + To share with men the prandial gloom + Of union forced that fatal custom + Decrees to wither "youth and bloom," + (The phrase is from _Sohrab and Rustum_) + I've suffered boredom to the full; + Professors dull--of Hindostani! + Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull-- + He wasn't dull--was Don GIOVANNI. + + A widower _feted_ far and wide, + The jauntiest Rake who drinks the waters, + Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride + And terror of his decent daughters; + _Old_ Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm + Flirtations, free to fling his cash on + The dining Duchess, "mould of form!" + Antique, good-looking "glass of fashion." + + [Illustration] + + He gossiped how the Viscount bets + (Some heiress he must really "pick up"), + How noble dames smoke cigarettes + And noble heels in ballets kick up. + How "H.R.H."--_n'importe!_ my friend + Experience shows me that the _laches_ + Of such as air these letters tend + In the direction of their "H"'s. + + He chatted next of German Spas, + Of Continental, English "P.B.'s," + And how our matchmaking Mammas + Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes, + How he with Royalties had graced + The latest function--genial patrons-- + While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced + Before the virtuous British matrons. + + And then his compliments began + To rain like drops of Frangipanni, + A most insinuating man + He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI. + You felt, if you could half believe, + You'd but to word a whim to find it, + You quite forgot he owned a sleeve, + And several teeth to laugh behind it. + + There may be kindness, lofty souls, + Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows older, + _Him_ the Material controls: + He shrugs a sleek, good-natured shoulder. + Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke; + Your choicest vintage passes; e'en your + Supreme tobacco ends in smoke-- + And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior. + + * * * * * + +MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is proposed +to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England and France. + + * * * * * + +SONGS BY A CYNIC. + +LOVE. + + What's Love, and all that Love can bring, + Youth's earliest illusion: + What tender words _she_ used to sing, + And blush with sweet confusion. + How you would hang upon each word, + When under spells of Cupid; + When half she said was most absurd, + And all extremely stupid. + + You loved her for her hair of gold. + Unwitting that she dyed it; + She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold, + Though Time had never tried it. + Your worship came to such a pass, + That, when you calmly view it, + You feel you were an utter ass, + Though then you never knew it. + + What happened? Why, the usual thing: + While round her you would linger, + Her love was fragile as the ring + You bought to grace her finger. + She went off with another man, + And so you had to sever: + Thus women since the world began + Have done, and will do ever. + + * * * * * + +REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER. + +I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up to a +festival called "_The Coming Race_." I was there at the opening on +Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, attended by her husband, +Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared the Bazaar open. A gay and +festive scene. Here, there, and everywhere, Egyptian houses made +of cardboard, containing stalls full of the most useful articles +imaginable. On the dais, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting +purses (containing L3 3s. and upwards) to the Princess, who received +them with an affability which won the hearts of all beholders. On the +floor of the building was a gaily-dressed throng, which included many +a distinguished person. The revelry continued for three days, and was, +I trust, the means of obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt, +is most deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much +at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere else. + + * * * * * + +FETE OR FATE? + +OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN IMPRESSIONIST._) + + Lights and bouquets--flush and flare-- + Motley medley--splash affair-- + Deft disguises--flute and fife-- + Half the world without his wife-- + Dominos, and masks, and faces-- + Graces three--and three Disgraces. + Jacks-in-boxes--tambour-majors-- + Janes in office--ancient stagers-- + REYNOLDS' Duchess--Shepherdesses; + (Burlington) Arcadian tresses-- + Primrose damsels,--clowns and follies,-- + Organ-grinders--Flemish dollies-- + Macaronis, rather muddy, + Of the central stud a study-- + England's mashers, Afric's dark sons-- + NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's-- + All costumes not apt the back to, + Some of them inclined to crack too-- + Martyred revellers in upper + Rooms, and singing for their supper. + Bright confusion--many a mad hunt-- + Five o'clock--_and wish I hadn't._ + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.--Revival of _Charles +the First_!!! (at the Lyceum). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. NO. 2.--ARTHUR GOLFOUR.] + + * * * * * + +MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA. + + "What are you doing, my pretty Maid?" + "I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said. + "May I question you, my pretty Maid?" + "Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said. + "Who is your father, my pretty Maid?" + "JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said. + "And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?" + "My race is my fortune, Sir," she said. + "Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!" + "Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said. + + * * * * * + +GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.--_Mr. Punch_, Perpetual Universal +Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, congratulates H.R.H., Grand +Master of English Freemasons, on his plucky and straightforward action +with regard to the G.M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, +having contravened the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878, +may now exclaim, in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some +great Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once +frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was _not_ +Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!" + + * * * * * + +RECIPROCITY.--"MACE," in _The Illustrated London News_, says, +sweepingly:--"No Under-Secretary ever has any opinion of his +own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom has any opinion of an +Under-Secretary! + + +[Illustration: AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART. + +"DIE, VILLAIN!" + +"The extinction of literary piracy in America has been +decreed."--_Times Leader, March 5._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--Navy Estimates on to-night. +Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One, +it is true, is HARCOURT; so perhaps the most accurate enumeration of +the aggregate would be fifteen. + +"_Que diable allait-il faire dans ce_ jolly-boat?" GEORGE HAMILTON +asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant occupation of tearing up +strips of paper to glance across table at portly figure reclining on +Front Opposition Bench. Several Admirals and Captains have spoken. +Members generally have fled the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's +sense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; +but CASABIANCA HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the +Old Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying +toleration with which he listens. Doesn't _say_ they're all wrong, but +smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating COLOMB falters when, +glancing round the great gaps of empty Benches opposite, his eye falls +on HARCOURT. + +"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had +contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed since +commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the United Kingdom +has increased only one-and-a-half times, while that of the outlying +Empire has multiplied five-fold." + +General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every department +of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought that at least he +knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than Admiral +FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and +delivered slashing speech, laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as +if he had been set up in the Place Vendome; reviewing the British +Fleet in masterly style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting +Jerusalem and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First +Lord of the Admiralty. + +[Illustration: Something more than his full height.] + +"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more than his +full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I ever heard, +even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our side. HOWORTH knows +a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking in accomplishment; but +for versatility, for profundity of knowledge, for readiness of +grasp, whether the object be a lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the +Exchequer's ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship, +give me HARCOURT." + +_Business done_.--Committee on the Navy Estimates. + +_Tuesday_.--WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about the Fog? Couldn't +something be done to lighten it, say by appointment of Royal +Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across House upon his young friend +with expression of almost paternal solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the +allied force. What did he mean by suddenly springing this question on +the First Lord of the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye? +Had it something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the +Union? + +CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring straight into +space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, with hat cunningly +tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have lain far in their pellucid +depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly absorbed in the brown gaiters +he has recently added to the graces of his personal appearance, in +pathetic admission that the natural charms of youth are at length +fading. + +Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the Union +really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden behind the +smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The only thing to +do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD MORALITY, was to +meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, plain enough as it appeared +in print on the prosaic Orders, was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers +consider the advisability of appointing a Royal Commission to examine +and report how far the evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by +legislation?" + +"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to assure my +Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in common with other +inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely sensible of the serious +injury, disturbance, and hardship inflicted by the increasing +prevalence of fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause of the London +fog? These fogs, which occur generally in the winter time, are +occasioned thus: some current of air, being suddenly cooled, descends +into the warm streets, forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the +earth. But, my Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every +night? I will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's +Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our wish +is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the +House they sit. Fogs--this I have no hesitation in stating--do not +supervene without intermission on successive nights, because the air +will always hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies +according to its temperature, and when the air is not saturated, +it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. Yes, I know. +My Right Hon. Friend, the Member for West Birmingham, with his +usual acumen--which I am sure we all recognise--asks me, In what +circumstances do fogs occur at night? I am much obliged to him for +reminding me of the point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has +been saturated with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it +deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form known in rural +districts--as my Hon. Friend, the Member for the Bordesley Division, +is well aware--as dew. In the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog. +This process of deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the +air for holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing night. +I think I have now answered the question of my Noble Friend fully, +and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, upon consideration, +see that this is not a matter with which a Royal Commission could +be expected successfully to cope, and, therefore, I may add, Her +Majesty's Government do not, after full consideration of their duty +to the QUEEN and Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion +thrown out by my Noble Friend." + +[Illustration: Feeling his Way through the Fog.] + +BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; remained +very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes to eleven he +thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's meaning. "Yes," he +added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling my way through the fog." + +_Business done_.--STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution negatived by 291 +Votes against 189. + +_Thursday_.--In Lords to-night, three white figures fluttered down +gently on to red Benches, like virgin flakes of snow. But, unlike +snow, they didn't melt. On close examination, turned out to be three +new Bishops; two of them old friends, with new titles. + +"Like _Bottom_, translated," BRAMWELL growls. + +Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back Archbishop +of York. The ceremony of their installation not nearly so comic as +that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter King-at-Arms does not +appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any game of Follow-my-leader round +the Benches. + +"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says has no +strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would never do. Must be +careful with our Bishops." + +[Illustration: The Inflammable Liquor Bill.] + +So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the +LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal Bench, +folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent an added air +of peace and purity to the precincts. + +DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had promised +to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill, limiting duration of +Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons, whilst ATKINSON turned his +attention to his Dowagers Bill. + +"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes thought an +alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition between two estates +of the realm, might work great things. But I'm beginning to lose +confidence in him. At certain periods of the lunar month he's too +comprehensive in his legislative ambition. Why wasn't he content +with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers, +dear TOBY, have, if I may say so--using the phrase strictly in +Parliamentary sense--got their arms round the neck of my friend +ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, between +us, we could have put things straight generally." + +_Business done_.--Navy Estimates in Commons. + +_Friday_.--PHILIPPE EGALITE very rarely troubles House with ordered +speech. A good deal on his mind looking after JACOBY, and keeping +the Party straight. But his silence doesn't arise from incapacity to +speak. This shown to-night in his speech on Railway Rates and Charges. +Full of good matter, admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK +proposed to discuss Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about +it particularly. So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the +chief _Business done_. + + * * * * * + +THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR. + +(_A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE._) + + I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern pate, + Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of State, + Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old rate, + With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his gate; + This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time. + + His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse of time" + (He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more sublime; + For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must obey. + And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial way, + Of this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) "he'd not oppose." + Social reform or Education _he_'d not treat as foes, + But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might trip his toes, + And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it (by the nose?), + This fine young German Emperor, &c. + + Now surely this is better far than all the old parade + Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade; + And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be said, + Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow _he knows his trade_, + Does this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + There were some who did not like it,--there are always such, one knows, + Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style oppose. + Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not see + Laying down his long-held power, and submitting tranquilly + To this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + _He_ was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love the plough, + So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, roused lots of row. + For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon the shelf, + Found that long control of others did _not_ mean control of self, + _Or_ this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to lead the dance, + Has a very trying _vis-a-vis_, that fractious dame, _La France_, + To keep step with that lady, without treading on her train, + Would tax Terpsichore herself; _he_ finds the effort vain; + Does this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish task, + That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact will task. + Let us wish him patriot wisdom, _and_ respect for Elder Fame, + And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a noble name, + This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time! + + * * * * * + +A ROUGH CROSSING. + +That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, and his head +covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just returned from fighting the +Dacoits in Upper Burmah? + +I certainly _am_ surprised when you inform me that he has only tried +to cross a London street in a fog. + +Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just thundered past at +twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was _not_ a fire-engine, but only a +covered Van? + +Yes, I believe it _is_ a fact that special beds in all the Hospitals +are now reserved for Van-victims. + +Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to the Rear; +still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so much like a +highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your life!" + +If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van will have to +carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with it. + +What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting angrily? Oh, I +suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over by the Coal-waggon +and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is remonstrating with the +driver? + +What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing the old +gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way? + +I _have_ heard that the Insurance Companies now insert in their +policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any street in London, +except under police escort. + +And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down in the +streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time that something +were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in his wild career? + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100. March 14, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13186.txt or 13186.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/1/8/13186/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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