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diff --git a/13186-0.txt b/13186-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8007b41 --- /dev/null +++ b/13186-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1445 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13186 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 14, 1891. + + + + +SPECIMENS FROM MR. PUNCH'S SCAMP-ALBUM. + +NO. III.--THE BIOGRAPHER. + +We will ask you, reader, this week, to compel your fancy to take a +further flight, and kindly imagine yourself a worthy merchant, who +has exchanged the turmoil of City-life for the elegant leisure of a +suburban villa--let us say at Norwood. You are in your dining-room, +examining the sky, and thinking that, if the weather holds up, you +will take your big dog out presently for a run before lunch, when you +are told that a gentleman is in the study who wishes to see you "on +particular business." The very word excites you, not unpleasantly, +nor do you care whether it is Churchwarden's business, or the District +Board, or the County Council--it is enough that your experience and +practical knowledge of affairs are in request--and, better still, +it will give you something to do. So, after a delay due to your own +importance, you march into your study, and find a brisk stranger, with +red whiskers and a flexible mouth, absorbed in documents which he has +brought with him in a black bag. + +[Illustration: "Your Visitor has his Note-book out."] + +"I _have_ the pleasure of addressing Mr. MARK LANE, I think?" he says. +"Just so. Well, Mr. MARK LANE, I consider myself extremely fortunate +in finding you at home, I assure you, and a very charming place +you have here--abundant evidence of a refined and cultivated mind, +excellent selection of our best-known writers, everything, if I may +say so, elegant in the extreme--as was to be expected! Even from the +cursory glimpse I have had, I can see that your interior would lend +itself admirably to picturesque description--which brings me to the +object of my visit. I have called upon you, Mr. LANE, in the hope of +eliciting your sympathy and patronage for a work I am now compiling--a +work which will, I am confident, commend itself to a gentleman of your +wide culture and interest in literary matters." (_Here you will look +as judicial as you can, and harden your heart in advance against a +new Encyclopædia, or an illustrated edition of_ SHAKSPEARE's _works_.) +"The work I allude to, Mr. LANE, is entitled, _Notable Nonentities +of Norwood and its Neighbourhood." (Here you will nod gravely, +rather taken by the title._) "It will be published very shortly, by +subscription, Mr. LANE, in two handsome quarto volumes, got up in +the most sumptuous style. It is a work which has been long wanted, +and which, I venture to predict, will be very widely read. It is my +ambition to make it a complete biographical compendium of every living +celebrity of note residing at Norwood at the present date. It will +be embellished with copious illustrations, printed by an entirely +new process upon India and Japanese paper; everything--type, ink, +paper, binding, will be of the best procurable; the publishers being +determined to spare no expense in making it a book of reference +superior to anything of the kind previously attempted!" (_As he pauses +fur breath, you will take occasion to observe, that no doubt such a +work, as he contemplates, will be an excellent thing--but that, for +your own part, you can dispense with any information respecting the +Notabilities of Norwood, and, in short, that if he will excuse you_--) + +"Pardon me, Mr. LANE," he interrupts, "you mistake my object. I should +not dream of expecting you to _subscribe_ to such a work. But, in +my capacity of compiler, I naturally desire to leave nothing undone +that care and research can effect to render the work complete--and +it would be incomplete indeed, were it to include no reference to +so distinguished a resident as yourself!" ("_Oh, pooh--nonsense!" +You will say at this--but you will sit down again_) "Norwood is a +singularly favoured locality. Sir; its charms have induced many of our +foremost men to select it for their _rus in urbe_. Why, in this very +road--May I ask, by the way, if you are acquainted with Alderman +MINCING? Alderman MINCING has been good enough to furnish me with many +interesting details of his personal career, a photo-gravured portrait +of him will be included, with views of the interior and exterior of +'The Drudgeries,' and a bit from the back-garden." (_You do know_ +MINCING--_and you cannot help inwardly wondering at the absurd +vanity of the man_--_a mere nobody, away from the City!_) "Between +ourselves," says your interviewer, candidly, having possibly observed +your expression, "I am by no means sure that I shall feel warranted +in allotting Alderman MINCING as much space as I fear he will consider +himself entitled to. Alderman MINCING, though a highly respectable +man, does _not_ appeal to the popular imagination as others I could +mention do--he is just a _little_ commonplace!" ("_Shrewd follow, +this!" you think to yourself--"Got_ MINCING's _measure!_") "But I +should feel it an honour, indeed, if such a man as yourself, now, +would give me all the personal information you think proper to make +public, while, as a specimen of what Norwood can do in luxurious and +artistic domestic fittings, this house, Sir, would be invaluable! I +do trust that you will see your way to--" (_At first, you suggest that +you must talk it over with your Wife--but you presently see that if_ +MINCING _and men of that calibre are to be in this, you cannot, for +your own sake, hold aloof, and so your Visitor soon has his note-book +out._) "Any remarkable traits recorded of you as an infant, Mr. LANE? +A strong aversion to porridge, and an antipathy to black-beetles--both +of which you still retain? Thank you, _very_ much. And you were +educated? At Dulborough Grammar School? Just _so_! Never took to +Latin, or learned Greek? Commercial aptitudes declaring themselves +thus early--curious, _indeed_! Entered your father's office as +clerk? Became a partner? Married your present lady--when? In 1860? +Exactly!--and have offspring? Your subsequent life comparatively +uneventful? That will do admirably--infinitely obliged to you, I am +sure. It would be useless to ask you if you would care to have a copy +of the work, when issued, forwarded to you--we can do it for you at +the very nominal sum of two guineas, if paid in advance--a gratifying +possession for your children after you have gone, Mr. LANE! I _may_ +put you down? Thank you. For _two_ copies?" (_On second thoughts, +you do order two copies; you can send one out to your married +Sister in Australia_--_it will amuse her._) "One, two, three, four +guineas--_quite_ correct, Mr. LANE, and you shall have an early +opportunity of revising a proof, and we will send down a competent +artist, in a day or two, to take the photographs. Quite an agreeable +change in the weather, is it not? _Good_ day!" + +[Illustration: "You may have to wait."] + +He is gone, leaving you to wait for the proof, and the photographer, +and the appearance of that great work. _Notable Nonentities of +Norwood_,--and it is not at all unlikely that you may have to wait +a considerable time. + + * * * * * + +IAGO ON THE GREAT SERMON QUESTION. + + Good name in Mayor or Parson, dear my public, + Is the immediate jewel of their souls. + Who steals my _sermon_, steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; + 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been mouthed by dozens; + But he who "splits" on me as plagiarist, + Robs me of that which is no good to him, + And leaves me poor--in credit. + + * * * * * + +"WHEREVER WE WANDER," &c.--A new book of advice for intending +Travellers has recently been published, entitled, "_Where to Stay_." +It is both ornamental and useful; but so much depends on ways and +means, that, after careful consideration, _Mr. Punch_, when asked +"_Where to Stay_," considers the safest answer will always be, "_At +home_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CHUCKED!" + + ["The Bookmakers are in consternation, the Chamber having + yesterday (Feb. 28), by 330 Votes to 144, rejected a Bill + legalising the _pari mutuel_, and the Government having + pledged itself to enforce the law against gambling."--_Times + Paris Correspondent_.] + +_The Bookie_. "ALL RIGHT, MOSSOO, I'M OFF TO ENGLAND! THERE'S NO PLACE +LIKE 'OME!"] + +(_EXTRACT OF LETTER FROM_ DICKY DIDDLUM, _BOOKMAKER, PARIS, TO_ +BOUNDING BOB, _DITTO, NEWMARKET._) + +"... Our game here appears to be as decidedly _hup_ as the top of the +Awful Tower! Regular mugs, these Mossoos, after all. Thought we _had_ +taught 'em a bit about _Ler Sport_ by this time: but, bless yer, BOB, +once a Pollyvoo, always a Pollyvoo! No Frenchy really hunderstands a +'Oss, or knows 'ow to make a Book! + +"Abolish Betting!!! Wot next, I wonder? Wot with County Councils, +dunderheaded Deppyties, and Swells who do the Detective bizness in +their own droring-rooms, pooty soon there won't be a safe look in for +a party as wants to do a nice little flutter--unless, of course, he's +a Stock-Exchange spekkylator, or a hinvester in South American Mines. +_Then_ he can plunge, and hedge, and jockey the jugginses as much as +he's a mind to. Wonder how that bloomin' French _Bourse_ 'ud get along +without a bit o' the pitch-and-toss barney, as every man as _is_ a man +finds the werry salt of life. Yah! This here Moral game is a gettin' +played down too darned low for anythink. And wot's it mean, arter all? +Why, 'No Naughtiness, except for the Nobs!' That's about the exact +size of it, and it's blazing beastly, BOB! + +"Only one of the dashed Deppyties talked a mossel o' sense, fur as _I_ +see. A certain MOSSOO DER KERJEGU, a Republican, too, bless his boko! +said as 'races were essential to 'orsebreeding, and that without +betting there would be no races.' O.K. you are, MOSSOO DER K.! +And then they up and chuck hus Bookies! No bookies, no betting; no +betting, no races; no racing, no 'osses; no 'osses, no nothink! That's +how it runs, BOB, or I'm a sossidge! + +"But this here bloomin' Republick is too rediklus for anythink. Look +at the kiddish kick-up along o' the visit of the Hempress! Why, if +_we_ 'ad that duffer, DEROULÈDE, on Newmarket 'Eath, we should just +duck him in a 'orsepond, like a copped Welsher. Here they washup him, +or else knuckle under to him, like a skeery Coster's missus when +her old man's on the mawl, and feels round arter her ribs with his +bloomin' high-lows. _That's_ yer high-polite French Artists and brave +booky-banishin' Dippyties! Yah! + +"'Owsomever, I suppose, BOB, I must clear out of this. MOSSOO +CONSTANS, he said, 'if the Bill were carried there would be an end to +bookmakers.' And it _was_ carried, by 340 mugs against 144 right 'uns. +And arter all me and my sort has done for Parry! It's mean, that's +wot it is, BOB. P'raps they'll chuck British _jockeys_ next! Much good +their _Grong Pree_, ancetrer, will be _then_, my boy. _Our_ 'osses, +_our_ jockeys, _and_ our bookies has bin the making of French +Sport,--and werrv nice little pickings there's bin out of it take it +all round. Wot'll _Ler Hig Life_, and Hart, and Leagues o' Patriots, +and miles o' bullyvards, and COOK's Tourists and Awful Towers do +for Parry without _hus_, I wonder? We shall _see_! Ah, Madame _lar +Republick_, maybe you'll be sorry, you and your bullyin' jondarms, +for chucking o' me afore you're through. As MAT MOPUS put it:-- + + It was all werry well to dissemble yer love, + But wy did yer kick me down-stairs? + +Chucked it is, though, and I shall probably see yer next week, BOB. +Thanks be, the Flat Season's at 'and! Arter all, there's no place +like 'ome! No!-- + + 'Mid _Boises_ and Bullyvards tho' we may roam, + Be it hever so foggy, there's no place _like_ 'ome; + A smile from the Swells seems to 'allow sport there, + Wich, look where you will, isn't met with elsewhere. + 'Ome, 'ome, Sweet, sweet 'ome, + Be it hever so fog-bound, there's no place like 'ome! + + A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main; + Ah! give me my native Newmarkit again; + The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl, + Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all. + 'Ome, 'ome, + Sweet, sweet 'ome, + With RAIKES[1], LOWTHER, CHAPLIN, there's no place like 'ome. + +"Mean to sing _that_ at our next 'Smoker,' BOB. But till then, +Ta--ta!!" + +[Footnote 1: Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. SAMUEL +SMITH, "what proportion betting messages bear to the other telegrams +transmitted by the Post-office Department."] + + * * * * * + +DESDEMONA TO THE AUTHOR OF "DORIAN GRAY." + +(_A PROPOS OF HIS PARAGRAPHIC PREFACE._) + +"These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow i' the Club corner. +What miserable praise hast thou for him that's foul and foolish?" + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING IN A NAME.--A recent theatrical announcement informed us +that a new comedy would be produced from the pen of a Mr. HENRY DAM. +If successful, imagine the audience calling for the Author by name. If +a triumph, the new dramatist will be known as "The big, big D." + + * * * * * + +BY A TIRED AND CYNICAL CRITIC OF CURRENT FICTION. + + A "School for Novelists," they say, has risen. + A School? What's really wanted is a Prison. + Life-long confinement far from pen and ink + _Might_ cure the crowd of fictionists, I _think_. + Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight, + Go teach the Novelist how _not_ to write! + + * * * * * + +ATHLETICS.--It is said that the County Council are resolved to forbid +the popular feats of raising heavy weights, upon the ground that it +may lead to shoplifting. + + * * * * * + +WORKING AND PLAYING BEES.--_Lady B-ountiful_ first, at the Garrick, +and _Lady B-arter_ at the Princess's. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLD FRIENDS. + +_Big Ben_. "OH, FLATTERY'S THE BANE OF FRIENDSHIP! JUST LOOK AT YOU +AND ME, OLD MAN! WHY, I'VE _ALWAYS_ TOLD YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF, +HOWEVER DISAGREEABLE! IT'S A WAY I HAVE. AND YET WE'VE BEEN FAST +FRIENDS FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I +POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!" + +_Little Dick_ (_dreamily_). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE +_NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!_"] + + * * * * * + +THE FIRST ACT--AND THE LAST. + +(_A DEPARTMENTAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL._) + +ACT I.--_The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction +Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and +Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Charts +cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery +used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the +Authorities, are scattered about in every direction._ TOMMY ATKINS +_is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very +lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture._ + +_Military Instructor_ (_who has been for an hour and a half explaining +the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approaching +the end of his subject_). Well, as I have fully explained before, but +may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you +will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened +in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, +and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a +small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while +the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases +or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the +locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-four +different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retain +their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not +forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, +and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and +.116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that, +if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you will +practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should be +thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which, +properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. I +think I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewes +system is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500 +yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark, +I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (_gives him +one_), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in the +heat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured +to impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head +cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have made +myself pretty clear? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will +find it, what they assure me it is,--a most serviceable weapon. + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_saluting_). 'Ees, Sir! + + [_Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends._ + +ACT II.--_The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight) +in the immediate neighbourhood of London._ TOMMY ATKINS _and the_ +Military Instructor _discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of +the slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the +Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding +that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few +of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided +for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a +Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge +for the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of +pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury_, Mr. STANHOPE +_is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London +capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on +by the_ LORD MAYOR, _in the Bank of England._ + +_Military Instructor_ (_sitting up and rubbing his eyes_). Dear me! +we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all. +(_Recognising him._) Halloa, ATKINS! + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_with a grin_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. You remember all I told you? + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). 'Ees, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable +weapon, after all! + +_Tommy Atkins_ (_still grinning_). Noa, Sir! + +_Military Instructor_. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this! +By Jove! it looks like the last Act! + + [_Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the + Battle-field, the_ Military Instructor _threatening to write + to the "Times," and_ TOMMY ATKINS _still grinning as Curtain + falls._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sylvanus_. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE +MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!" + +_Urbanus_. "OH--ER--YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"] + + * * * * * + +UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. + + ["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for ----, feel + that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side + in a Division?"--_Evening Paper_.] + + SCENE--_A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered apparently dying + in the hour of victory._ + +_Faithful Aide-de-Camp_. The enemy run, Sir! We have beaten them off +on every side! + +_Colonel_ (_faintly_). That is well! (_with a sigh_) and yet my heart +is heavy within me! Believe me, SMITH, I cannot die easily. + +_F.A.-de-C._ And yet the vacancy thus created would be found a +stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, Sir? + +_Col. X._ I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a politician the idea +is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had always done my duty in +the House of Commons! But no, with a view to obtaining this command, +I voted against my convictions! I supported the Government in their +proposal to tax perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I +was weak and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could +live to repair the past. + +_Opposition Whip_ (_suddenly springing up from behind a limber à la_ +HAWKSHAW _the Detective_). It is _not_ too late! Return with me to +Westminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! With +a special train we shall be in time! You can yet record your vote! + +_Col. X._ (_suddenly reviving_). Say you so? Then I _will_ recover! I +_will_ do my duty! + + [_Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put permanently + on the shelf, from a military point of view!_ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in _Scribner_, for March, is +interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to be a charming +people; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they can +be divorced for being talkative. + +_A propos_ of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA JOKO's capital +illustrations of Hospital Nursing in _The English Illustrated +Magazine_, the Matron's room must be "an illigant place, intoirely"; +while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a patient a +cup of ink by mistake for liquorice-water isn't a real good practical +side-splitter, the Baron would like to be informed what is? Then we +come upon a delightful little picture of "_The Pet of the Hospital_"; +and so she ought to be, for a prettier pet than this nursing Sister +it would be difficult to find. What becomes of her? Does she marry a +"Sawbones," or run off with a patient? Anyhow, she must be a "great +attraction," and if anything were to happen to the Baron, and he +couldn't be removed to his own palatial residence, he would say, "Put +me in a cab, drive me to the Furniss Hospital, and let me be in Pretty +Pet's Ward." + +The Baron has just been dipping into Mr. JUSTIN HUNTLY McCARTHY's +"Pages on Plays" in _The Gentleman's Magazine_. JUSTIN HUNTLY +expresses his opinion that "_The Dancing Girl_ will almost certainly +be the play of the season; it will probably be the principal play of +the year." "Almost certainly" and "probably" save the situation. The +Baron backs _The Idler_ against _The Dancing Girl_ for a run. In the +same Magazine Mr. ALBERT FLEMING has condensed into a short story, +called _Sally_, material that would have served some authors for a +three-volume novel. + +It is a pleasure for the Baron to be in perfect accord on any one +point with the Author of _Essays in Little_, and in proportion to +the number of the points so is the Baron's pleasure intensified. Most +intending readers of these Essays, on taking up the book, would be +less curious to ascertain what ANDREW LANG has to say about HOMER +and the study of Greek, about THÉODORE BE BANVILLE, THOMAS HAYNES +BAYLEY, the Sagas, and even about KINGSLEY, than to read his opinions +on DICKENS and THACKERAY, placing DICKENS first as being the more +popular. The Baron recommends his friends, then, to read these Essays +of ANDREW's, beginning with THACKERAY, then DICKENS; do not, on any +account, omit the delightfully written and truly appreciative article +on CHARLES LEVER; after which, go as you please, but finish with "_the +last fashionable novel_," wherein our M.A., in his Merriest-Andrewest +mood, treats us to an excellent parody. + +The Baron has appointed an extra Reader, and this Extra-Ordinary +Reader to the Baron has just entered upon the discharge of his duties +by reading _Monte Carlo, and How to Do It_, by W.F. GOLDBERG, and +G. CHAPLIN PIESSE (J.W. ARROWSMITH). He reports in the following +terms to his loved Chief:--This book achieves the task of combining +extraordinary vulgarity with the flattest and most insipid +dulness--not a common dulness, but a dulness redolent of low slang +and dirty tap-rooms. The authors seem to plume themselves on their +marvellous success in reaching Monte Carlo, which, with their usual +sprightly facetiousness, they call "Charley's Mount." They are good +enough to tell such of the travelling public as may want to get there, +that the train leaving Victoria at 8.40 A.M. reaches Dover at 10.35. +Stupendous! These two greenhorns took their snack on board the steamer +(Ugh!), instead of waiting until they reached Calais, where there +is the best restaurant on any known line. Instead of going by the +_Ceinture_, they drove across Paris. The greenhorns arrive at Monte +Carlo, and then settle on their quarters. Anyone but an idiot would +have settled all this, and much more, beforehand. One gentlemanly +greenhorn, who wishes us to think that "_il connait son Paris_," talks +of "suppers of Bignon's" (which must be some entirely new dish), +and informs us that, "at the Hôtel de l'Athenée, the staff esteem it +rather a privilege, and a mark of their skill in language, to grin +and snigger when sworn at in English." Oh, sweet and swearing British +greenhorn! now I know why the French so greatly love our countrymen. +But why, oh why do you imagine that you have discovered Monte Carlo? +For the details of the journey, and the instructions to future +explorers, are set out with a painful minuteness which not even +STANLEY could rival. As for Monaco, dear, restful, old-fashioned, +picturesque Monaco, whither the visitor climbs to escape from +the glare and noise of Monte Carlo, the greenhorn dismisses it +scornfully, as having "no interest." How much does this ten-per-center +want? He "waggles along the Condamine;" he mixes with many who +are "pebble-beached;" he speaks of his intimates as "Pa," "The +Coal-Shunter," "Ballyhooly," &c., and declares of the French soldier +that "the short service forty-eight-day men don't have a very +unkyperdoodlum time of it." There's wit for you, there's elegance! +Then he becomes Jeromeky-jeromistically eloquent on the subject of +fleas, throws in such lucid expressions as "chin music," "gives him +biff," "his craft is thusly," and, altogether, proves himself and +his fellow-explorer to be a couple of the slangiest and most foolish +greenhorns who ever put pen to any sort of paper. I can imagine +the readers who enjoy their stuff. Dull, swaggering, blatant, +gin-absorbing, red-faced Cockneys, who masquerade as sportsmen, +and chatter oaths all day. "Ditto to you," says the Baron to his +Extra-Ordinary Reader, and backs his opinion with his signature, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MORE IBSENITY! + +[Illustration] + +Dear EDITOR,--Noticing that the author of _The Doll's House_ was to +have another morning, or, to use an equally suitable epithet, mourning +performance devoted to his works, I made up my mind, after bracing +up my nerves, to attend it. The 23rd of February (the date of the +proposed function) as the second Monday in Lent, seemed to me, too, +distinctly appropriate. By attending the performance--IBSEN recommends +self-execution--I sentenced myself to three hours and a half of +boredom, tempered with disgust. I cannot help feeling that whatever +my past may have been, the penance paid to wipe it out was excessive, +and therefore rendered it unnecessary that I should attend a second +performance announced for last week. + +_Rosmershölm_ is in four Acts and one Scene--a room in _Rosmer's_ +House. Act I. _Rector Kroll_, who is the brother-in-law of _Pastor +Rosmer_, calls upon the latter, to ask him to edit a paper in the +Conservative interest. _Kroll_ (who, by the way, is a married man) +before seeing the widower of his dead sister, has a mild flirtation +with _Rebecca West_, a female of a certain age, who has taken up her +abode for some years in the Rector's house. And here I may observe +that the Rector's housekeeper, _Madame Helseth_, presumably a highly +respectable person, although she has excellent reasons, from the +first, for believing that the relations between her Master and +_Rebecca_ are scarcely platonic, accepts the domestic arrangements of +the Rosmer _ménage_ with hearty acquiescence, not to say enthusiasm. +_Rosmer_ interrupts the Rector's _tête-à-tête_ with the fascinating +_Rebecca_, and declines the proffered editorship, because he is a +Radical, and an atheist. End of Act I.,--no action to speak of, but +a good deal of wordy twaddle. In Act II. we learn that the late _Mrs. +Rosmer_ has committed suicide, because she was informed that the +apostate Pastor could only save his villainy from exposure by giving +immediately the position of wife to her friend _Rebecca_. She has had +this tip on the most reliable authority,--it has been furnished by +_Rebecca_ herself. Then the Pastor asks _Rebecca_ to marry him, but +is refused, for no apparent reason, unless it be that she has tired +of her guilty passion. In Act III. _Rebecca_ admits to the widower and +his brother-in-law that she has deceived the deceased, and prepares +to decamp. In the final Act the apostate Pastor declares that he has +been in love with _Rebecca_ from the first, loves her now, but is not +sure that she loves him. To set his mind at rest on this point, will +she do him a small favour? Will she be so good as to jump into the +mill-stream, and drown herself? With pleasure--and she takes a header! +He explains that courtesy forbids him to keep a lady waiting, and +follows her example! So both are drowned, and all ends happily! + +And this is the plot! And what about the characters? _Rebecca_ is +merely a hysterical old maid, who would have been set right, in +the time of the Tudors, with a sound ducking; and nowadays, had +she consulted a fashionable physician, she would have been probably +ordered a sea-voyage, and a diet free from stimulants. The Pastor is +a feeble, fickle fool, who seemingly has had but one sensible idea in +his life. He has believed his wife to be mad, and, considering that +she married him, his faith in the matter rested upon evidence of an +entirely convincing nature. The _Rector Kroll_ is a prig and a bore +of the first water. When he discovers _Rebecca's_ perfidy, he suggests +that she may have inherited her proneness for treachery from her +father--and, to her distressed astonishment, he gives the name of a +gentleman, not hitherto recognised by her as a parent! The best line +in the piece, to my mind--and it certainly "went with a roar"--is a +question of the housekeeper--answered in the negative--"Have you ever +seen the Pastor laugh?" Laugh! with such surroundings! Pretentious +twaddle, that would be repulsively immoral were it less idiotic. And +_so_ dull! + +As a theatre-goer for more than a quarter of a century, I dislike +undue severity, and am consequently glad to find my opinion is +shared by others. "SCRUTATOR," the Dramatic Critic of _Truth_, wrote +last week--"The few independent persons who have sat out a play by +IBSEN, be it _The Doll's House_, or _The Pillars of Society_, or +_Rosmershölm_, have said to themselves. 'Put this stuff before the +playgoing public, risk it at an evening theatre, remove your _claque_, +exhaust your attendance of the socialist and the sexless, and then see +where your IBSEN will be.' I have never known an audience that cared +to pay to be bored, and the over-vaunted _Rosmershölm_ bored even the +Ibsenites." I only hope it did, for they deserve their martyrdom! +I believe that you personally, my dear Editor, have never seen a +dramatic performance of the "Master's" work. I wish I could say as +much, and I shall be surprised if you do not appreciate the feeling, +after you too have partaken of this truly Lenten fare. Yours +sincerely, + +ONE WHO LIKES IBSEN--AT A DISTANCE. + + * * * * * + +STRIKING TIMES. + +NEW VERSION OF AN OLD STREET BALLAD. + +(_BY A LABOURING ELECTOR._) + + Cheer up, cheer up, you sons of toil, and listen to my song. + The times should much amuse you; you are up, and going strong. + The Working Men of England at length begin to see + That _their_ parsnips for to butter now the Parties all agree. + + _Chorus._ + + _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way,_ + _And their prospect of obtaining it grows brighter every day!_ + + This is the time for striking, lads; at least, it strikes me so. + Monopoly has had some knocks, and under it must go. + NORWOOD we licked; LIVESEY licked us; his was an artful plan; + But luck now turns. Ask JOHNNY BURNS, and also TOMMY MANN! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + It isn't "Agitators" now, but Parties and M.P.'s, + Who swear we ought to have our way, and do as we darn please. + Upon my word it's proper fun! A man should love his neighbour; + Yet Whigs hate Tories, Tories Whigs; but oh! they _all_ love _Labour_! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + There's artful JOEY CHAMBERLAIN, he _looks_ as hard as nails, + But when he wants to butter _us_, the Dorset never fails; + He lays it on so soft and slab, not to say thick and messy. + He _couldn't_ flummerify us more were each of us a JESSE! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + Then roystering RANDOM takes his turn; _his_ treacle's pretty thick; + _He_ gives the Tories the straight tip,--and don't they take it--quick? + And now, by Jove, it's comical!--where _will_ the fashion end?-- + There's PARNELL ups and poses as the genuine Labourer's Friend! + + _Chorus_--It's high time, &c. + + Comrades, it makes me chortle. The Election's drawing nigh, + And Eight Hours' Bills, or anything, they'll _promise_ for to try. + They'll spout and start Commissions; but, O mighty Labouring Host, + Mind your eye, and keep it on them, or they'll have you all on toast! + + _Chorus._ + + _It's high time that the Working Men should have it their own way._ + _They'll strain their throats,--you mind your votes, and you may find it pay!_ + + * * * * * + +WILDE FLOWERS. + +Some other fellow, in the _P.M.G._, has been beforehand with us in +spotting "A Preface to _Dorian Gray_," by our OSCAR WILDE-r than +ever, in this month's _Fortnightly. Dorian Gray_ was published some +considerable time ago, so it belongs to ancient history, and now, +after this lapse of time, out comes the preface. And this "preface" +occupies the better part, I use this expression in all courtesy, of +two pages; which two pages represent a literary flowerbed, where rows +of bright asterisks are planted between lines of brilliant aphorisms. +The rule of the arrangement seems to be.--"when in doubt, plant +asterisks." _Sic itur ad astra._ The garden is open to all, let us +cull; here one and there one. "_To reveal Art and conceal the Artist, +is Art's aim._" Is there not in this the scent of "_Ars est celare +artem_"? "Art" includes "the Artist," of course. Then "_Puris omnia +pura_" is to be found in two other full-blown aphorisms, if I mistake +not. St. PAUL's advice to TIMOTHY is engrafted on to the stalk of +another aphorism. "Why lug in TIMOTHY?" Well, to "adapt" Scripture to +one's purpose is not to quote it. _Vade retro!_ Do we not recognise +something familiar in "_When Critics disagree the Artist is in accord +with himself?_" + +But after it is all done, and the little flower-show is over, then +arises the despairing cry of our own cherished OSCAR. It is in the +_Last of the Aphorisms_; after which, exhausted, he can only sign his +name, fling away the goose-quill, and then sink back in his luxurious +arm-chair exhausted with the mental efforts of years concentrated into +the work of one short hour. Ah! "_La plupart des livres d'à présent +ont l'air d'avoir été faits en un jour avec des livres lus de la +veille._" Ask Messrs. ROCHEFOUCAULD, CHAMFORT, RIVAROL, and JEAN +MORLÉ. "_Ai! Ai! Papai! Papai!_ Phillaloo! Murther in Irish!" Let +us be natural, or shut up shop. Yet there is a chance,--to be +supernatural. The great Pan is dead, so there is a seat vacant among +the gods, open to any aspirant for immortality. "_All Art is quite +useless!_" cries OSCAR WILDE-ly. And has it come to this? "Is this +the Hend?" Yes, this is his last word--for the present. Pan is dead! +_Vive_ Pannikin! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CES AUTRES." + +(HEARD AT CHURCH-PARADE.) + +_Captain Bergamot_. "ARE ANY OF YOUR BROTHERS IN THE SERVICE, MISS DE +BULLION?" + +_Miss de Bullion_. "YES; ONE IN THE GUARDS, AND--A--" (_with +disgust_)--"THE REST IN THE COMMON ARMY, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" + +A SONG OF SYMPATHY. + +(_SOME WAY AFTER A CELEBRATED BOATING SONG._) + + ["Sir HENRY PARKES concluded by declaring that if the Colonies + continued separate they must become hostile communities, + and, in order that they might prevent that, it was for + the whole people to join in creating one great Union + Government."--REUTER.] + +Mr. LEO BRITANNICUS, _an Old Blue, and a sympathetic on-looker, +loquitur_:-- + + Capital boating weather! + Ay, and a favouring breeze! + Oars upon the feather! + Sun of the Southern Seas! + Brave boys! Swing together, + Your bodies between your knees! + + Pheugh! How old memory rushes + Over me!--Pulled indeed! + Though LEO seldom gushes, + And these be of LEO's breed, + The blood of an Old Blue flushes + At the Young Blues' power and speed! + + Coach them, or patronise them? + Nay, I've no call for that. + To cheer them, not to advise them, + I'm on this path,--that's pat! + Affection admiringly eyes them:-- + Once in a boat I sat! + + Pulled my weight at a pinch, + For odds cared never a "cuss;" + No stern-chase caused me to flinch, + But--always detested fuss. + Strain the last ounce, and inch! + Races are won, boys, _thus_! + + Look a most likely lot, + Lionlets lithe and young. + Pace? They will make it hot. + Few can have feathered and swung + Better. Tall talk is rot; + But, hang it! I _must_ give tongue! + + There's "Queensland" and "New South Wales," + "Australia South" and "West," + "Victoria,"--each one scales + Good weight, and with girth of chest; + "New Zealand's" zeal prevails, + He'll swing in time with the rest. + + The hero born of Thetis + Had pluck enow. What then? + Each hero here, whose meat is + "Hard steak and harder hen," + As stalwart and as fleet is + As the Greek first of men! + + "Stroke" sets it long and steady; + _That_ gladdens a true Old Blue. + There's nothing hot and heady + In sturdy Number Two. + There are coxens sharp and ready + In the Land of the Kangaroo! + + Go it, lads! Swing together! + Push elders from their stools? + Pooh! _I_ shall moult no feather; + Old boys are not always old fools. + Out upon jealous blether! + You've learnt in the best of schools. + + I want to see you win, lads; + Old LEO loves his cubs. + If cynics growl or grin, lads, + We'll drive them back to their tubs. + Do you think my blood's so thin, lads, + I'd diet upon cold snubs? + + The cynics think they're clever; + Beshrew their big bow-wow! + Boys, swing together ever, + Steady from stroke to bow; + One chain shall sever never-- + The love-links round us now! + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? + + Will someone gifted with the _nous_, + Explain the "why" of Spinning House? + Is it to strike with wholesome fear + The thoughtless Maiden whose career + Looks like a sinning one? + And thus the Judge her conscience wakes, + Since he, when passing sentence, takes + Good care to name a _Spinning_ one? + Or is it that in such a habitation, + Herself a spinster more at home might feel; + And in a Spinning House find occupation, + Provided with a decent spinning-wheel; + But there,--no matter whence it came, + Or what's the meaning hidden in its name, + About its destination there's no fear; + And judging from a noted recent case, + The Spinning House will,--it is pretty clear,-- + Itself be soon sent spinning into space. + + * * * * * + +"Is a husband worth having?" asks _Woman_. One reply would be, "Well, +that depends on whose husband it is." But, by the way, this view was +not under consideration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA!" + +BRITISH LION. "BRAVO, BOYS!--SWING TOGETHER!!"] + + * * * * * + +A WILD WELCOME. + + February's reign of gloom + Out of mind and sight is, + Noonday darkness of the tomb, + Carbon and bronchitis. + + Though the air is keen and chill, + Cloudy though the skies are, + Buoyant breaths our bosoms fill, + Free from smart our eyes are. + + Bursting on the lengthening day + Bellows March the Viking, + "I have blown the fogs away; + Is this to your liking?" + + Yes, thy voice o'er moor and mead + Sets the spirits bounding, + Like the Major's chartered steed + At the trumpet's sounding. + + Welcome, roaring moon of dust, + Welcome, Spring's reviver; + On the race again we must + Risk the wonted fiver; + + Fields are showing brighter green, + Early buds are shooting; + On the early youth is seen + The new season's suiting. + + Long it is since sparrows shrill + With their chirping woke us; + There is one with busy bill + Worrying a crocus. + + How they love the flow'r of spring-- + Never can resist it; + What a graceful little thing-- + Bother, I have miss'd it! + + Now the wind along the plain + Comes with roar and clatter-- + There, my hat is off again! + Let it go--no matter. + + What am I, to say thee nay + In thy rudest phases? + Blow my Sunday hat away. + Blow my hat to blazes. + + 'Tis but little we can do + For thy bounty's measure-- + Sacrifice a hat or two? + Forty hats, with pleasure. + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON GARDENS SMALL TALK. + +_FROM THE RAILWAY IMPROVEMENT PHRASE-BOOK._ + +That Nursery-maid with the three children and the perambulator will +certainly get run over by the train if she stands there gossiping with +the man in the signal-box. + +That is the nineteenth horse that has run away and thrown its rider +this morning, frightened by the smoke of the passing engine. + +So it is not, after all, a tornado that has swept across the Gardens, +and rooted up all these trees, but merely the firm that has taken the +contract for the making of the new line. + +Yes, there is no doubt that this wooden fence, stretching right across +the Gardens, relieved by overseers' moveable hatch-houses, puffing +steam-cranes, and processions of mud-carts, rather interfere with the +beauty and tranquillity of the place, but one must really bear in mind +_that it is, after all, only to last for live years._ + +Ha! I thought so! There go the whole of the water-fowl under that +luggage-train. + +It is true, the Gardens are ruined, but one must not forget the +inestimable advantage to the shareholders of the public being able to +get from Paddington to Chelsea in a tunnel for twopence. + + * * * * * + +QUERY FOR NEXT ELECTION.--No man has a vote until he has attained his +majority. How about some districts where they are nearly all Miners? + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. II.--DON JUAN SENIOR. + + To share with men the prandial gloom + Of union forced that fatal custom + Decrees to wither "youth and bloom," + (The phrase is from _Sohrab and Rustum_) + I've suffered boredom to the full; + Professors dull--of Hindostani! + Dull wits, dull statesmen, dandies dull-- + He wasn't dull--was Don GIOVANNI. + + A widower _fêted_ far and wide, + The jauntiest Rake who drinks the waters, + Smartest of "smart" vulgarians, pride + And terror of his decent daughters; + _Old_ Don GIOVANNI, fraught with warm + Flirtations, free to fling his cash on + The dining Duchess, "mould of form!" + Antique, good-looking "glass of fashion." + + [Illustration] + + He gossiped how the Viscount bets + (Some heiress he must really "pick up"), + How noble dames smoke cigarettes + And noble heels in ballets kick up. + How "H.R.H."--_n'importe!_ my friend + Experience shows me that the _laches_ + Of such as air these letters tend + In the direction of their "H"'s. + + He chatted next of German Spas, + Of Continental, English "P.B.'s," + And how our matchmaking Mammas + Are scared by Transatlantic Hebes, + How he with Royalties had graced + The latest function--genial patrons-- + While Beauty, perched on barrows, raced + Before the virtuous British matrons. + + And then his compliments began + To rain like drops of Frangipanni, + A most insinuating man + He was, this ancient DON GIOVANNI. + You felt, if you could half believe, + You'd but to word a whim to find it, + You quite forgot he owned a sleeve, + And several teeth to laugh behind it. + + There may be kindness, lofty souls, + Great Brains, and whatso ne'er grows older, + _Him_ the Material controls: + He shrugs a sleek, good-natured shoulder. + Time scatters dalliance, joy, and joke; + Your choicest vintage passes; e'en your + Supreme tobacco ends in smoke-- + And so will poor DON JUAN, Senior. + + * * * * * + +MRS. MALAPROP is much puzzled at the announcement that it is proposed +to construct a new Tubercular Railway between England and France. + + * * * * * + +SONGS BY A CYNIC. + +LOVE. + + What's Love, and all that Love can bring, + Youth's earliest illusion: + What tender words _she_ used to sing, + And blush with sweet confusion. + How you would hang upon each word, + When under spells of Cupid; + When half she said was most absurd, + And all extremely stupid. + + You loved her for her hair of gold. + Unwitting that she dyed it; + She vowed her love could ne'er grow cold, + Though Time had never tried it. + Your worship came to such a pass, + That, when you calmly view it, + You feel you were an utter ass, + Though then you never knew it. + + What happened? Why, the usual thing: + While round her you would linger, + Her love was fragile as the ring + You bought to grace her finger. + She went off with another man, + And so you had to sever: + Thus women since the world began + Have done, and will do ever. + + * * * * * + +REVELATIONS OF A REVELLER. + +I revelled at the Albert Hall, which last week was given up to a +festival called "_The Coming Race_." I was there at the opening on +Thursday, the 5th, when Princess BEATRICE, attended by her husband, +Prince HENRY of Battenberg, declared the Bazaar open. A gay and +festive scene. Here, there, and everywhere, Egyptian houses made +of cardboard, containing stalls full of the most useful articles +imaginable. On the daïs, a number of sweet-faced ladies presenting +purses (containing £3 3s. and upwards) to the Princess, who received +them with an affability which won the hearts of all beholders. On the +floor of the building was a gaily-dressed throng, which included many +a distinguished person. The revelry continued for three days, and was, +I trust, the means of obtaining funds for a charity which, no doubt, +is most deserving of support. And here, I may say, I revelled so much +at the Albert Hall, that I had no desire to revel anywhere else. + + * * * * * + +FÊTE OR FATE? + +OR, HOPPERS IN COVENT GARDEN, MARCH 4TH. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN IMPRESSIONIST._) + + Lights and bouquets--flush and flare-- + Motley medley--splash affair-- + Deft disguises--flute and fife-- + Half the world without his wife-- + Dominos, and masks, and faces-- + Graces three--and three Disgraces. + Jacks-in-boxes--tambour-majors-- + Janes in office--ancient stagers-- + REYNOLDS' Duchess--Shepherdesses; + (Burlington) Arcadian tresses-- + Primrose damsels,--clowns and follies,-- + Organ-grinders--Flemish dollies-- + Macaronis, rather muddy, + Of the central stud a study-- + England's mashers, Afric's dark sons-- + NATHAN's stock-in-trade and CLARKSON's-- + All costumes not apt the back to, + Some of them inclined to crack too-- + Martyred revellers in upper + Rooms, and singing for their supper. + Bright confusion--many a mad hunt-- + Five o'clock--_and wish I hadn't._ + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING MARVELLOUS IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY.--Revival of _Charles +the First_!!! (at the Lyceum). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL-ROUND POLITICIANS. NO. 2.--ARTHUR GOLFOUR.] + + * * * * * + +MR. JONATHAN AND MISS CANADA. + + "What are you doing, my pretty Maid?" + "I'm coming from voting, Sir," she said. + "May I question you, my pretty Maid?" + "Yes, if you please, kind Sir," she said. + "Who is your father, my pretty Maid?" + "JOHN BULL is my father, Sir," she said. + "And what is your fortune, my pretty Maid?" + "My race is my fortune, Sir," she said. + "Then I can't annex you, my pretty Maid!" + "Nobody axed you, Sir!" she said. + + * * * * * + +GIVING A LODGER NOTICE TO QUIT.--_Mr. Punch_, Perpetual Universal +Grand Past, Present, and Future Master, congratulates H.R.H., Grand +Master of English Freemasons, on his plucky and straightforward action +with regard to the G.M. of Otago and Southland, New Zealand, who, +having contravened the resolution of Grand Lodge, March 6, 1878, +may now exclaim, in bitterness of spirit, "O for a Lodge in some +great Wilderness!" "for," says in effect, H.R.H., G.M., as the once +frequently quoted Somebody observed to a person whose name was _not_ +Dr. FERGUSON, "you don't lodge here!" + + * * * * * + +RECIPROCITY.--"MACE," in _The Illustrated London News_, says, +sweepingly:--"No Under-Secretary ever has any opinion of his +own." Perhaps that is why the Public seldom has any opinion of an +Under-Secretary! + + +[Illustration: AMERICAN "COPYRIGHT BILL" IN A NEW PART. + +"DIE, VILLAIN!" + +"The extinction of literary piracy in America has been +decreed."--_Times Leader, March 5._] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--Navy Estimates on to-night. +Millions of money to be voted, and only fourteen Members present. One, +it is true, is HARCOURT; so perhaps the most accurate enumeration of +the aggregate would be fifteen. + +"_Que diable allait-il faire dans ce_ jolly-boat?" GEORGE HAMILTON +asks, pausing for a moment in his incessant occupation of tearing up +strips of paper to glance across table at portly figure reclining on +Front Opposition Bench. Several Admirals and Captains have spoken. +Members generally have fled the burning deck. Even OLD MORALITY's +sense of duty to his Queen and Country cannot restrain his flight; +but CASABIANCA HARCOURT still remains. A little provoking for the +Old Salts descanting on Naval affairs to observe smile of pitying +toleration with which he listens. Doesn't _say_ they're all wrong, but +smiles it. Even the voice of the Reverberating COLOMB falters when, +glancing round the great gaps of empty Benches opposite, his eye falls +on HARCOURT. + +"Sir, I repeat," he said, quite angrily, though no one had +contradicted him, "that during the period that has elapsed since +commencement of the present reign, the revenue of the United Kingdom +has increased only one-and-a-half times, while that of the outlying +Empire has multiplied five-fold." + +General admission that HARCOURT is a master in nearly every department +of human knowledge. Up to to-night fondly thought that at least he +knew nothing about the Navy. But he does; knows more than Admiral +FIELD, or Admiral MAYNE, or even Colonel GOURLEY. Presently rose and +delivered slashing speech, laying low the Reverberating COLOMB as +if he had been set up in the Place Vendôme; reviewing the British +Fleet in masterly style; nimbly running up the mainmast and sighting +Jerusalem and Madagascar, to the absolute confounding of the First +Lord of the Admiralty. + +[Illustration: Something more than his full height.] + +"Well," said KERANS, drawing himself up to something more than his +full height, "that's the most remarkable exhibition I ever heard, +even from HARCOURT. We've nothing like it on our side. HOWORTH knows +a thing or two, and HANBURY isn't lacking in accomplishment; but +for versatility, for profundity of knowledge, for readiness of +grasp, whether the object be a lawyer's brief, a Chancellor of the +Exchequer's ledger, the hilt of a sword, or the tiller of a ship, +give me HARCOURT." + +_Business done_.--Committee on the Navy Estimates. + +_Tuesday_.--WOLMER asked OLD MORALITY what about the Fog? Couldn't +something be done to lighten it, say by appointment of Royal +Commission? OLD MORALITY beamed across House upon his young friend +with expression of almost paternal solicitude. WOLMER is Whip of the +allied force. What did he mean by suddenly springing this question on +the First Lord of the Treasury? Was there more in it than met the eye? +Had it something to do, however obscurely, with the maintenance of the +Union? + +CHAMBERLAIN sat on the Front Bench opposite, staring straight into +space with Sphynx-like countenance. HARTINGTON, with hat cunningly +tipped over eyes, hid what secret may have lain far in their pellucid +depths. HENRY JAMES became suddenly absorbed in the brown gaiters +he has recently added to the graces of his personal appearance, in +pathetic admission that the natural charms of youth are at length +fading. + +Nothing to be gained by the inspection. If the cause of the Union +really was at stake, the springs of motive were hidden behind the +smiling countenance of the Machiavellian WOLMER. The only thing to +do, and it is quite foreign to the habits of OLD MORALITY, was to +meet guile with guile. WOLMER's question, plain enough as it appeared +in print on the prosaic Orders, was, "Will Her Majesty's Ministers +consider the advisability of appointing a Royal Commission to examine +and report how far the evil of Fog is one that may be mitigated by +legislation?" + +"Sir," said OLD MORALITY, rising to the occasion, "I have to assure my +Noble Friend that Her Majesty's Government are, in common with other +inhabitants of the Metropolis, extremely sensible of the serious +injury, disturbance, and hardship inflicted by the increasing +prevalence of fog. What, it may be asked, is the cause of the London +fog? These fogs, which occur generally in the winter time, are +occasioned thus: some current of air, being suddenly cooled, descends +into the warm streets, forcing back the smoke in a mass towards the +earth. But, my Noble Friend might ask, why are there not fogs every +night? I will tell him, for this is a matter in which Her Majesty's +Government have nothing to hide, or, I may add, to conceal. Our wish +is to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the +House they sit. Fogs--this I have no hesitation in stating--do not +supervene without intermission on successive nights, because the air +will always hold in solution a certain quantity of vapour which varies +according to its temperature, and when the air is not saturated, +it may be cooled without parting with its vapour. Yes, I know. +My Right Hon. Friend, the Member for West Birmingham, with his +usual acumen--which I am sure we all recognise--asks me, In what +circumstances do fogs occur at night? I am much obliged to him for +reminding me of the point. Fogs happen at night, when the air has +been saturated with vapour during the day. When this is the case, it +deposits some of its superabundant moisture in the form known in rural +districts--as my Hon. Friend, the Member for the Bordesley Division, +is well aware--as dew. In the Metropolis it is more familiar as fog. +This process of deposition commences as soon as the capacity of the +air for holding vapour is lessened by the coldness of advancing night. +I think I have now answered the question of my Noble Friend fully, +and, I trust, frankly. He will, I am sure, upon consideration, +see that this is not a matter with which a Royal Commission could +be expected successfully to cope, and, therefore, I may add, Her +Majesty's Government do not, after full consideration of their duty +to the QUEEN and Country, think it desirable to adopt the suggestion +thrown out by my Noble Friend." + +[Illustration: Feeling his Way through the Fog.] + +BRAMSTON BEACH's face during this subtle discourse a study; remained +very quiet for rest of sitting; told me at ten minutes to eleven he +thought he was beginning to grasp OLD MORALITY's meaning. "Yes," he +added, with more cheerfulness, "I'm feeling my way through the fog." + +_Business done_.--STANSFELD's Franchise Resolution negatived by 291 +Votes against 189. + +_Thursday_.--In Lords to-night, three white figures fluttered down +gently on to red Benches, like virgin flakes of snow. But, unlike +snow, they didn't melt. On close examination, turned out to be three +new Bishops; two of them old friends, with new titles. + +"Like _Bottom_, translated," BRAMWELL growls. + +Dr. MAGEE, walking out Bishop of Peterborough, comes back Archbishop +of York. The ceremony of their installation not nearly so comic as +that of ordinary Peers of Parliament. Garter King-at-Arms does not +appear; nor Black Rod; nor is there any game of Follow-my-leader round +the Benches. + +"No, no," said the MARKISS, who Mr. G. quite unjustly says has no +strain of reverence in his disposition, "that would never do. Must be +careful with our Bishops." + +[Illustration: The Inflammable Liquor Bill.] + +So the three new-comers, having paid their respects to the +LORD-CHANCELLOR, straightway took their seats on the Episcopal Bench, +folded their hands over their surpliced knees, and lent an added air +of peace and purity to the precincts. + +DENMAN bustling about, weighed down with cares of State. Had promised +to bring into Lords ATKINSON's Muffin-Bell Bill, limiting duration of +Speeches. But Bill stuck in the Commons, whilst ATKINSON turned his +attention to his Dowagers Bill. + +"ATKINSON's a good fellow," said DENMAN. "Have sometimes thought an +alliance between him and me, a sort of coalition between two estates +of the realm, might work great things. But I'm beginning to lose +confidence in him. At certain periods of the lunar month he's too +comprehensive in his legislative ambition. Why wasn't he content +with his Muffin-Bell Bill? Why drag in the Dowager? These Dowagers, +dear TOBY, have, if I may say so--using the phrase strictly in +Parliamentary sense--got their arms round the neck of my friend +ATKINSON, and will pull him down. It's a pity, for I think, between +us, we could have put things straight generally." + +_Business done_.--Navy Estimates in Commons. + +_Friday_.--PHILIPPE EGALITÉ very rarely troubles House with ordered +speech. A good deal on his mind looking after JACOBY, and keeping +the Party straight. But his silence doesn't arise from incapacity to +speak. This shown to-night in his speech on Railway Rates and Charges. +Full of good matter, admirably delivered. After this, Dr. CLARK +proposed to discuss Home Rule; but House didn't seem to care about +it particularly. So at Half-past Eight was Counted Out. This was the +chief _Business done_. + + * * * * * + +THE FINE YOUNG GERMAN EMPEROR. + +(_A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE._) + + I'll sing to you a brand new song, made by a modern pate, + Of a fine young German Emperor, an Oracle of State, + Who kept up his autocracy at the bountiful old rate, + With the aid of Socialism for the poor men at his gate; + This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time. + + His ancestors had "kept their fingers on the pulse of time" + (He said), and he'd do ditto in a fashion more sublime; + For, as BACON said of Nature, he who'd rule her must obey. + And that with modern "tendency," is the new imperial way, + Of this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + He'd "mastered the new Spirit," which (how kind!) "he'd not oppose." + Social reform or Education _he_'d not treat as foes, + But keep step with the "Tendencies" which else might trip his toes, + And thus he'd "head the movement," and would lead it (by the nose?), + This fine young German Emperor, &c. + + Now surely this is better far than all the old parade + Of tyranny in mufti, and of greed in masquerade; + And of this young German Emperor, whatever may be said, + Or of his new vagaries, you'll allow _he knows his trade_, + Does this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + There were some who did not like it,--there are always such, one knows, + Who Ancient Order patronise, and Modern Style oppose. + Particularly one Old Man, who plainly did not see + Laying down his long-held power, and submitting tranquilly + To this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + _He_ was no CINCINNATUS, and he did not love the plough, + So he talked, inspired the Papers, and, in fact, roused lots of row. + For this man of Blood and Iron, when thus laid upon the shelf, + Found that long control of others did _not_ mean control of self, + _Or_ this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + Then this fine young German Emperor, who aims to lead the dance, + Has a very trying _vis-à-vis_, that fractious dame, _La France_, + To keep step with that lady, without treading on her train, + Would tax Terpsichore herself; _he_ finds the effort vain; + Does this fine young German Emperor, &c. + + So this fine young German Emperor has got a stiffish task, + That all his strength will occupy, and all his tact will task. + Let us wish him patriot wisdom, _and_ respect for Elder Fame, + And then he'll give his country peace, and leave a noble name, + This fine young German Emperor, all of the modern time! + + * * * * * + +A ROUGH CROSSING. + +That military-looking gentleman, with his arm in a sling, and his head +covered with bandages, has, I suppose, just returned from fighting the +Dacoits in Upper Burmah? + +I certainly _am_ surprised when you inform me that he has only tried +to cross a London street in a fog. + +Do you really mean to say that the vehicle that just thundered past at +twenty miles an hour, in the mist, was _not_ a fire-engine, but only a +covered Van? + +Yes, I believe it _is_ a fact that special beds in all the Hospitals +are now reserved for Van-victims. + +Of course it is difficult for a man in the Van to look to the Rear; +still he need not swoop down on pedestrians quite so much like a +highwayman, saying, "Your collar-bone or your life!" + +If things go on as they are now doing, every covered Van will have to +carry its own Surgeon and ambulance about with it. + +What is that crowd for, and why is somebody shouting angrily? Oh, I +suppose the old gentleman, who has been run over by the Coal-waggon +and is lying bleeding on the asphalte, is remonstrating with the +driver? + +What? Can it really be the case that the driver is abusing the old +gentleman for his stupidity in getting in his way? + +I _have_ heard that the Insurance Companies now insert in their +policies a condition forbidding the crossing of any street in London, +except under police escort. + +And, finally, as nearly six thousand persons were run down in the +streets of the Capital last year, is it not almost time that something +were done to check the Van Mazeppa-Juggernaut in his wild career? + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100. March 14, 1891., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13186 *** |