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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/13281-0.txt b/13281-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe49d87 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1298 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13281 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 28, 1891. + + + + +THE G.P.O. CUCKOO. + +[Illustration] + + It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray, + And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array; + To North and South the message went, to W. and E., + And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C.; + From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes. + As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for RAIKES. + + "Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng, + "Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long; + Yet since you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet employs, + We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of hoys. + Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes, + Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine RAIKES. + + "What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach the Public sense, + Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence. + Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss. + They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us. + And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes. + They have sown, but we shall reap it--'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES." + + * * * * * + + But _Punch_ was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red, + Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook his ancient head, + "RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to scorn + Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn. + Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes + Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to RAIKES. + + "You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees + That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees. + But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing + To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its sting: + And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes + A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman RAIKES!" + + * * * * * + +SOUND AND SAFE.--We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to be the new +Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry, "Who's +GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe Man." Good omen for +the Shaftesbury. + + * * * * * + +BAR BARRED! + + SCENE--_A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting + at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with + plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge + plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. Thomas's + Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under + consideration. Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under + examination_. + +_Junior Counsel_ (_for Promoters_). You have told us that there is a +cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan--in your opinion +do you think that the road passing; by Hoggsborough, coloured green, +could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge +over the River Crowe, coloured yellow? + +_Expert Witness_ (_with great deliberation, and illustrating his +remarks by references to a large plan_). In my opinion I think the +necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided +by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that +would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and +ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the +course of the Raisensworth, coloured black. + +_Junior Counsel_. Thank you--that will do. [_Sits down._ + +_First Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_suddenly entering from another +Committee Room, looking for his Junior--aside_). Where on earth have +we got to? + +_Chairman of Committee_. Is this witness cross-examined? + +_First C.-E. Q.C._ Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is +necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan? + +_Expert Witness_. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is +skirted, &c., &c. [_Repeats the answer he has already given._ + +_Second Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his learned +brother sits down_). One moment, please. Now you say that it is +absolutely necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, +by a bridge? + +_Expert Witness_. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler +Estate, &c., &c. [_Repeats his answer for the third time._ + +_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes +his seat_). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you +_their_ questions, I have to ask you _mine_. Be kind enough to say, +for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members +of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction +of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood +of--(_consulting plan_)--Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the +plan, and, as you will see, runs through the--(_inspects plan +closely_)--Swashbuckler Estate--yes, the Swashbuckler Estate--and +comes, as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near +Twaddlecomb--having now sufficiently indicated the locality, I +repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in your opinion, the +necessity of building a bridge over the River Raven--(_is prompted by +Junior_)--I should say, over the River Crowe--could be avoided? + +_Chairman of Committee_ (_interposing_). I would suggest that, as +this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused +further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the +examination-in-chief. + +_First C.-E. Q.C._ (_warmly_). I consider this an infringement of the +privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it +is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may +only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we +represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very +seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a +learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasionally +wanted elsewhere. + +_Second C.-E. Q.C._ (_indignantly_). Yes; and how can we attend to our +Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at once? + +_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_furiously_). You have no right to act upon an +old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation would ruin +us--and many of us have wives and children! + + [_Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave + imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary, N.B.--Up to + date the Tower is untenanted._ + + * * * * * + +"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW--PHOTOGRAPHS!"--MR. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., +having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street +Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, "to +enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished +legal gentlemen," regrets to say that, as he has already sat for +another Firm making the same request (see _Papers from Pump-handle +Court_), he is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, +he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded +to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he +"possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his +connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., +wishes the industrious Firm every success in their public-spirited +undertaking. + + * * * * * + +GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN. + +(A LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.) + +[Illustration: "WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!"] + + "Were I to go further into detail, I should show you that the + floodgates of (financial) abuse have been opened even to a + much larger extent than I have described. We are getting into + a system under which Parliament is treated, and the country is + treated, to the exhibition of fictitious surpluses of revenue + over expenditure."--_Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. + Goschen's Finance._ + + I. + + The backwater was snug and fair, + And the gay Canoeist cavorted there. + Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere + A reputation for pluck and stay!" + Amidst the reeds the river ran; + Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan, + And loudly did lament + The better deeds of a better day; + Ever the gray Canoeist went on, + Making his memos. as he went. + + II. + + "My foes are piqued, I must suppose, + But cannot see their way to a 'Cry.'" + (So mused the man with the Semite nose, + As up the backwater he swept.) + "What I like" (said he) "in this nook so shy, + Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow, + Squaring accounts at my own sweet will. + With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill! + The Swan's as quiet as though he slept. + I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow!" + + III. + + The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole, + Snorting with furious joy. + Hidden by rushes he yet drew near, + Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear + Those snortings fell, both full and clear. + Floating about the backwater shy, + Stronger and stronger the shindy stole, + Filling the startled Canoeist with fear; + And the jubilant jobating voice, + With menaces meaning and manifold, + Flowed forth on a "snorter" clear and bold + (As when a party-procession rejoice + With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of gold), + Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold, + And over his paddle he crouched and rolled; + And he wished himself from that nook afar + (If it were but reading the evening star): + And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed, + And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed, + He walloped into that paddler gay + (Bent on enjoying his holiday). + He smote him here, and he spanked him there, + Upset his "balance," rumpled his hair. + "I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding pinions, + "To come intruding in _my_ dominions!" + And the frightened flags, and the startled reeds, + And the willow-branches hoar and dank, + And the shaking rushes and wobbling weeds, + And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank, + And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng + (Who yelled at seeing him going so strong) + Were flooded and fluttered by that Stentor song! + + * * * * * + +THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET.--"_Floreat Etona!_" by all means, +and may "HENRY's holy shade" never be less! But doesn't it seem rather +like a contradiction in terms, for Old Etonians to sit down to an +Eaten Dinner?--Yours, once removed, + +A SIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORM! + +"GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT A SWELL! WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT? WEDDING +BREAKFAST?" + +"OH NO; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. _MUST_ BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN +I GO TO SEE _HIM_. HE'S SO BEASTLY CRITICAL!"] + + * * * * * + +ABOUT THE COURT. + +At the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the illustrated +House Programme, is "Licensed by the London County Council to the +Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN WOOD and Mr. A. CHUDLEIGH,"--is the LORD +CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this quarter? (how can there be a Court +without a Lord Chamberlain?), and, "under which king, Bezonian?" Was +it in the days of _The Happy Land?_--but no matter. To resume. At the +aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed an original Farce, +in Three Acts, written by Mr. R.R. LUMLEY. Ah! Ah! LUMLEY, this +isn't quite up to your other piece, _Aunt Jack._ Mrs. JOHN WOOD +is invaluable, and keeps the game alive throughout; while ARTHUR +CECIL's _Duke of Donoway_--not a Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical +circumstances--is excellent. WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, but in +make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems mixed up with +one or two others that he has played, and is very far from being in +the same category with _Aunt Jack's_ crushed Solicitor. BRANDON THOMAS +as _Captain Roland Gurney, R.N._, is very natural. _The Office Boy_ +of Master WILSON and the little _Gridd_ of Master WESTGATE (very near +Birchington when the boy is in Mrs. WOOD's hands), are capital. Miss +CARLOTTA LECLERCQ's _Duchess_ is equal to the occasion. The two girls' +parts are unnatural and uninteresting. What ought to make the success +of the piece is the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing +"_The Wolf_," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends +in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if this +situation had been so contrived,--as it might have been, allow me +to say,--as to end the Act, the Curtain falling on the climax, the +dashing down of the enraged musician's song and the exit of the +Duke, the run of _The Volcano_ would have been insured from now to +Christmas. Is it too late to retrieve this? To quote the title of +one of ANTHONY TROLLOPE's novels, "I say No!" There is so much that +is genuinely funny in the piece, that if the alteration is done +with a will, _hic et nunc_, why within a week the piece could be +fixed securely in its place for the London season, and beyond it. +Let funny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and come out as +the flaxen-headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And a word in his +ear,--SOTHERN fashioned _Lord Dundreary_ out of a worse part than +this. _The Volcano_ shouldn't "bust up." That's my opinion, as + +A FRIEND AT COURT. + + * * * * * + +A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM. + +From the _Queen_. A Correspondent writes:-- + +"JOURNALISM.--I want to become a Dramatic Critic; how should I begin? +I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember +the plot of the play afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors +prefer?--_Histrionica_." + +Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing School for +Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for Critics? The Master +would take his pupils to the Theatre regularly, and could lecture on +the Play as it proceeded. Should Managers and Actors be so blind to +the best interests of their Art as to refuse to allow the play to be +stopped from time to time to allow of the Instructor's remarks, then +he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his pupils +into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, where he could give +his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a Scene or an Act every +night,--and if they paid for their places (a reduction being made +for a quantity), the particular drama they patronised would be +considerably benefited by this plan. + +There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these critical +scholars--say Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate gown, and portable +mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. There might be a row +reserved for them at the back of the Dress Circle, and twenty-five +per cent. reduction on tickets for a series. The M.C., or Master of +Critics, would take a fee for a course from each pupil. Fee to include +seat at theatre, instruction, _and supper afterwards_. + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE,--"Hallo!" +being the recognised telephonic summons in use between companies +and individuals of all nationalities, may be already considered as +"Hallo'd by a variety of associations." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. I.--ROSMERSHÖLM (CONCLUDED.) + +ACT III. + + _Sitting-room at Rosmershölm. Sun shining outside in the + Garden. Inside REBECCA WEST is watering a geranium with + a small watering-pot. Her crochet antimacassar lies in + the arm-chair. Madam HELSETH is rubbing the chairs with + furniture-polish from a large bottle. Enter ROSMER, with his + hat and stick in his hand. Madam HELSETH corks the bottle + and goes out to the right._ + +_Rebecca_. Good morning, dear. (_A moment after--crocheting._) Have +you seen Rector KROLL's paper this morning? There's something about +_you_ in it. + +_Rosmer_. Oh, indeed? (_Puts down hat and stick, and takes up paper._) +H'm! (_Reads--then walks about the room._) KROLL _has_ made it hot for +me. (_Reads some more._) Oh, this is _too_ bad! REBECCA, they _do_ say +such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a renegade--and I +can't _think_ why! They _mustn't_ go on like this. All that is good in +human nature will go to ruin if they're allowed to attack an excellent +man like me! Only think, if I can make them see how unkind they have +been! + +_Reb._ Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious object to +attain--and I wish you may get it! + +_Rosmer_. Thanks. I think I shall. (_Happens to look through window, +and jumps._) Ah, no, I shan't--never now. I have just seen-- + +[Illustration] + +_Reb._ _Not_ the White Horse, dear? We must really not overdo that +White Horse! + +_Rosmer_. No--the mill-race, where BEATA--(_Puts on his hat--takes it +off again._) I'm beginning to be haunted by--no, I _don't_ mean the +horse--by a terrible suspicion that BEATA may have been right after +all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of it, that I must really +have been in love with you from the first. Tell me _your_ opinion. + +_Reb._ (_struggling with herself, and still crocheting._) Oh--I can't +exactly say--such an odd question to ask me! + +_Rosmer_ (_shakes his head_). Perhaps; I have no sense of humour--no +respectable Norwegian _has_--and I _do_ want to know--because, you +see, if I _was_ in love with you, it was a _sin_, and if I once +convinced myself of that-- + + [_Wanders across the room._ + +_Reb._ (_breaking out_). Oh, these old ancestral prejudices! Here is +your hat, and your stick, too; go and take a walk. + + [ROSMER takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and takes + a walk; presently Madam HELSETH appears, and tells REBECCA + something. REBECCA tells _her_ something. They whisper + together. Madam H. nods, and shows in Rector KROLL, who + keeps his hat in his hand, and sits on a chair._ + +_Kroll_. I merely called for the purpose of informing you that I +consider you an artful and designing person, but that, on the whole, +considering your birth and moral antecedents, you know--(_nods at +her_)--it is not surprising. (_REBECCA walks about, wringing her +hands_) Why, what _is_ the matter? Did you really not know that you +had no right to your father's name? I'd no _idea_ you would mind my +mentioning such a trifle! + +_Reb._ (_breaking out_). I _do_ mind. I am an emancipated enigma, +but I retain a few little prejudices still. I _don't_ like owning +to my real age, and I _do_ prefer to be legitimate. And, after your +information--of which I was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late +Mrs. GAMVIK, never _once_ alluded to it--I feel I must confess +everything. Strong-minded advanced women are like that. Here is +ROSMER. (ROSMER _enters with his hat and stick._) ROSMER, I want to +tell you and Rector KROLL a little story. Let us sit down, dear, +all three of us. (_They sit down, mechanically, on chairs._) A long +time ago, before the play began--(_in a voice scarcely audible_)--in +Ibsenite dramas, all the interesting things somehow _do_ happen before +the play begins-- + +_Rosmer_. But, REBECCA, I _know_ all this. KROLL--(_looks hard at +her_). Perhaps I had better go? + +_Reb._ No--I will be short--this was it. I wanted to take my share +in the life of the New Era, and march onward with ROSMER. There +was one dismal, insurmountable barrier--(_to ROSMER, who nods +gravely_)--BEATA! I understood where your deliverance lay--and I +acted. _I_ drove BEATA into the mill-race ... There! + +_Rosmer_ (_after a short silence_). H'm! Well, KROLL--(_takes up his +hat_)--if you're thinking of walking home, I'll go too. I'm going to +be orthodox once more--after _this_! + +_Kroll_ (_severely and impressively, to_ REB.). A nice sort of young +woman _you_ are! [_Both go out hastily, without looking at REB._ + +_Reb._ (_speaks to herself, under her breath_). Now I _have_ done it. +I wonder _why_. (_Pulls bell-rope._) Madam HELSETH, I have just had a +glimpse of two rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-trunk. + + [_Enter Madam H., with large hair-trunk, as Curtain falls._ + +ACT IV. + + _Late evening. REBECCA WEST stands by a lighted lamp, with a + shade over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in a reticule, with a + faint smile. The antimacassar is on the sofa. Enter ROSMER._ + +_Rosmer_ (_seeing the sandwiches, &c._). Sandwiches? Then you _are_ +going I Why, on earth,--I _can't_ understand! + +_Reb._ Dear, you never _can_. Rosmershölm is too much for me. But how +did you get on with KROLL? + +_Rosmer_. We have made it up. He has convinced me that the work of +ennobling men was several sizes too large for me--so I am going to let +it alone-- + +_Reb._ (_with her faint smile_). There I almost think, dear, that you +are wise. + +_Rosmer_ (_as if annoyed_). What, so _you_ don't believe in me either, +REBECCA--you never _did! [Sits listlessly on chair._ + +_Reb._ Not much, dear, when you are left to yourself--but I've another +confession to make. + +_Rosmer_. What, _another_? I really can't stand any more confessions +just now! + +_Reb._ (_sitting close to him_). It is only a little one. I bullied +BEATA into the mill-race--because of a wild uncontrollable-- (_ROSMER +moves uneasily._) Sit still, dear--uncontrollable fancy--for _you_! + +_Rosmer_ (_goes and sits on sofa_). Oh, my goodness, REBECCA--you +_mustn't_, you know! + + [_He jumps up and down as if embarrassed._ + +_Reb._ Don't be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. After living alone +with you in solitude, when you showed me all your thoughts without +reserve,--little by little, somehow the fancy passed off. I caught +the ROSMER view of life badly, and dulness descended on my soul as an +extinguisher upon one of our Northern dips. The ROSMER view of life is +ennobling, very--but hardly lively. And I've more yet to tell you. + +_Rosmer_ (_turning it off_). Isn't that enough for one evening P + +_Reb._ (_almost voiceless_). No, dear. I have a Past--_behind_ me! + +_Rosmer_. _Behind_ you? How strange. I had an idea of that sort +already. (_Starts, as if in fear._) A joke! (_Sadly._) Ah, no--_no_, +I must not give way to _that_! Never mind the Past, REBECCA; I +once thought that I had made the grand discovery that, if one is +only virtuous, one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too +original--an immature dream. What bothers me is that I can't--somehow +I _can't_--believe entirely in you--I am not even sure that I _have_ +ennobled you so very much--_isn't_ it terrible? + +_Reb._ (_wringing her hands_). Oh, this killing doubt! (_Looks darkly +at him._) Is there anything _I_ can do to convince you? + +_Rosmer_ (_as if impelled to speak against his will_). Yes, one +thing--only I'm afraid you wouldn't see it in the same light. And +yet I must mention it. It is like this. I want to recover faith in +my mission, in my power to ennoble human souls. And, as a logical +thinker, this I cannot do now, unless--well, unless you jump into the +mill-race, too, like BEATA! + +_Reb._ (_takes up her antimacassar, with composure, and puts it on her +head_). Anything to oblige you. + +_Rosmer_ (_springs up_). What? You really _will_! You are _sure_ you +don't mind? Then, REBECCA, I will go further. I will even go--yes--as +far as you go yourself! + +_Reb._ (_bows her head towards his breast_). You will see me off? +Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite. + + [_Smiles almost imperceptibly._ + +_Rosmer_ (_cautiously_). I said as far as _you_ go. I don't commit +myself further than that. Shall we go? + +_Reb._ First tell me this. Are _you_ going with _me_, or am _I_ going +with _you_? + +_Rosmer_. A subtle psychological point--but we have not time to think +it out here. We will discuss it as we go along. Come! + + [_ROSMER takes his hat and stick, REBECCA her reticule, with + sandwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through the door, which + they leave open. The room (as is not uncommon with rooms in + Norway) is left empty. Then Madam HELSETH enters through + another door._ + +_Madam H._ The cab, Miss--not here! (_Looks out._) Out together--at +this time of night--upon my--_not_ on the garden-seat? (_Looks out of +window._) My goodness! _what_ is that white thing on the bridge--the +_Horse_ at last! (_Shrieks aloud._) And those two sinful creatures +running home! + + _Enter ROSMER and REBECCA, _out of breath._ + +_Rosmer_ (_scarcely able to get the words out_). It's no use, +REBECCA--we must put it off till another evening. We can't be expected +to jump off a footbridge which already has a White Horse on it. And, +if it comes to that, why should we jump at all? I know now that I +really _have_ ennobled you, which was all _I_ wanted. What would +be the good of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a +mill-pond? No, REBECCA--(_lays his hand on her head_)--there is no +judge over us, and therefore-- + +_Reb._ (_interrupting gravely_). We will bind ourselves over in our +own recognisances to come up for judgment when called upon. + + [_Madam HELSETH holds on to a chair-back, REBECCA finishes + the antimacassar calmly as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +A GRAND OLD WETTERUN! + +I ain't bin werry well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was cort in +the Lizzard, I think, as they called it, on that awful Munday nite, +and that was pretty nearly a settler for both my old bones and my +breth, and might ha' bin quite so, if one of the werry kindest Members +of the old Copperashun as I nos on, who had bin a dining with a +jolly party on 'em, hadn't kindly directed my notise to about a harf +bottle-full of werry fine old Port, with the remarkabel kind words, +"That's just about what you wants, Mr. ROBERT, to take you ome safely +this most orful nite!" And so it were, and I didn't waste a single +drop on it. + +[Illustration: The "Tipper's" Strike.] + +However, I was obligated to have a good long rest, which I took out +mostly in sleep; but, jest as I was preparing to set out for the +"Grand Hotel," in comes my Son; and he says to me, "Guvnor," says +he--I notise as he allers calls me Guvnor when he wants me to do +sumthink--"I wants you to do me the favour to ask _Mr. Punch_ for +to do you a favour." "Why, what do you mean?" says I. "Why, this is +what I means," says he. "About the grandest feller as ewer in the +hole world gave up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make +hundreds of stupid boys into clever boys, and hundreds of bad boys +into good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a going +for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them hundreds of boys, +me among 'em, to sellybrate his Jewbilly, same as the QUEEN had the +other day. Ewery one of us as lives in London will jump at the chance; +but the boys as he turns out from the great City of Lundon Skool is +such reel fust-raters, that they gits snapped up direckly by Merchants +and peeple, and sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious +buzzinesses there, so we don't know how to get at 'em; but as _Mr. +Punch_ goes wherever any smart, clever English chap goes, if he wood +most kindly let this littel matter be mentioned, the grandest, and +sucksessfullest, ay, and wittiest Skool Master of modern times wood +get his dew reward." + +So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and this is +what I can add to them from my own knowlidg. There's sum of the old +boys, as isn't quite as yung as when they left Skool, as has formed a +club to dine together sumtimes, and tork of old times, like senserbel +fellers as they is; and Mr. JOSEPH HARRIS, the gennelman in question, +is allers there, and allers has to make a speech, and I am amost +allers there too; and, to hear the joyful shouts of arty welcome with +which his old pupils greets him when he rises for to speak, and their +roars of larfter at his wit, and his fun, and his good-humer, while he +is a speaking, is so wery remarkabel, that I sumtimes wanders whether +it doesn't, a good deal of it, rise from the fact of his great School +being so close to _Mr. Punch's_ own horfice. But this is over the way, +as the great writer says. May I be alowd to had that my speshal frend, +and hewerybody's speshal frend, Mr. COOKE, is reddy to receive any +number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A NEW PROVIDENCE.--"My life is in your hands," as the Autobiographist +said to his Publisher. + + * * * * * + +THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN. + +(_LATEST VERSION; SUGGESTED BY A CASE AT THE LONDON SESSIONS._) + + And did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman, + Who on the river his wherry did ply? + When rowing along with great skill and dexterity, + A Cask of Madeira it caught his pleased eye. + It looked so nice, he rowed up steadily, + Transferred that cask to his boat right readily; + And he eyed the dear drink with so eager an air, + For the name on the cask not a jot did he care. + + When smart EDDARD SAILL got that cask in his wherry, + He cleaned it out--partly--with swiggings not small, + And with his companions--what wonder?--made merry; + Madeira's a wine that's not tippled by all. + One fancies one hears 'em a laughing and cheering, + Says EDDARD, "My boys, this is better than beering! + A Waterman's life would be free from all care + If he often dropped on treasure trove like that there." + + And yet but to think now how strangely things happen! + They copped him for "larceny by finding,"--that's all! + But SAILL couldn't read, and the jury was kindly, + So EDDARD got off, though his chance appeared small. + Now would this young Waterman keep out of sorrow, + No derelict casks let him--shall we say, borrow? + Madeira is nice, but you'd best have a care, + Before swigging the wine, that it's yours fair and square! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Childhood and Youth of Dickens_, a sort of short postscript to +FORSTER's Life, very well got up by its publishers HUTCHINSON & Co., +will interest those who for the third or fourth time are going through +a course of DICKENS. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The best +pocket-book _must_ contain a calendar-diary, and as little printed +matter, and as much space for notes, as possible. No pocket-book +is perfect without some sort of patent pencil, of which the +writing-metal, when used on a damp surface, will serve as well as do +pen and ink on ordinary paper. Such a pocket-book with such a pencil +the Baron has long had in use, the product of JOHN WALKER & Co., of +Farringdon House. It should be called _The Walker Pocket-book, or +Pedestrian's Companion_; for, as "He who runs may read," so, with +this handy combination, "He who walks may write." The Baron is led to +mention this _à propos_ of a novelty by T.J. SMITH AND DOWNES, called +_The Self-registering Pocket Note-book_, a very neat invention, _quâ_ +Note-book only, but of which only one size has the invaluable patent +pencil. The ordinary pencil entails carrying a knife, and, though +this is good for the cutler--"I know that man, he comes from +Sheffield"--yet it is a defect which is a constant source of worry +to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, Messrs. SMITH AND DOWNES' +artfulness in making the pencil serve as a marker, so that the latest +note can at once be found, is decidedly ingenious, and may probably be +found most useful. _Experientia docet: Baronius tentabit._ + +While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank Messrs. +CASSELL & Co. for the pocket volumes of the _National Library_ edited +by HENRY MORLEY, and ventures to recommend as a real travelling +companion, _Essays, Civil and Moral, by Francis Bacon_. In the +eighteenth Essay "Of Travel," the chief Diarists, "LETTS AND SON," +might find a motto for _their_ publications. The Baron directs their +attention to this side of BACON from which this is a slice,--"_Let +Diaries, therefore, be brought in use_." A new reading for advertising +purposes would change "Let" into "Letts," or Letts could be +interpolated in brackets. "A cheeky way of treating BACON," says the +Baron's friend little FUNNIMAN (Author of _Funniman's Poor Jokes_); +but, if nothing worse than this can be said against the Baron's +suggestion, why, "Letts adopt it," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING. + +(_The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist._) + +"WELL, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY, I'VE LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, AND THERE'S +ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO TO YOU THIS YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. + + "In the words of the Postmaster-General, spoken yesterday + (March 18th) from his room in St. Martin's-le-Grand, and + distinctly heard by the head of a corresponding department + in Paris, the triumph of the International Telephone is an + accomplished fact."--_Daily News_. + + _Hallo!--are you there_? That's the cue international, + Henceforth we'll hope, and we trust it may lead + To colloquies pleasant, relations more rational. + May "saucers" and tubes telephonic succeed + In setting the world "by the ears," in a fashion + Not meant by the men who invented that phrase. + May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion + Die out, like a craze! + + Why, bless us, and save us! We _ought_ to behave us + A little bit better for all our new light. + From incurable savagery nothing can save us + If Science can't cool down our fondness for fight. + With so many chances of "talking things over," + Like comrades in council, across the broad sea, + Nations ought to be nice, as a girl and her lover + At five o'clock tea! + + Eh? _Vox et præterea nihil_? What matter + How close ears may seem if the hearts are apart? + Humph! Nothing go easy as cynical chatter; + Distrust's diplomatic, and satire sounds "smart." + But, as RAIKES suggests, there _is_ something in hearing + The "great human voice" o'er some three hundred miles, + In spite of the scorn that's so given to sneering, + The hate that reviles. + + One wonders what TALLEYRAND, subtle old schemer! + Would think of the Telephone were _he_ alive. + Wits sniff at the _savant_, and mock at the dreamer, + Who else, though, so hard for humanity strive? + BELLONA's sworn backers are woefully numerous; + Peace, let us pray, may claim this as _her_ friend; + The "Sentiment" flouted by swashbucklers humorous + Sways, at the end. + + If language was given our thoughts for concealing, + The Telephone--'tis but a travelling Voice!-- + Need not be the agent of reckless revealing, + And caution must often be candour's wise choice. + Unwisdom is sure to be sometimes caught napping, + And tongues may wag foolishly e'en through the wire. + Facilities freer for summary snapping + No sage can desire. + + Great diplomats, proud of their "able dispatches," + From trusting the tube with their wisdom may shrink. + The brain that in secret shrewd policies hatches, + May not care to canvas 'cute schemes "o'er a drink." + Yet times must be many when sense will be winner + By chatting of trifles, which nations have riled, + As freely as though _vis-à -vis_ at a dinner, + And carefully "tiled." + + Now England and France can thus gossip together, + And CARNOT and SALISBURY thus hob-a-nob, + We'll hope for set-fair international weather. + Our RAIKES and their ROCHE appear well "on the job." + The Telephone's triumph at least is not sinister. + Things should go easier somehow--with care, + When patriot Minister greets patriot Minister, + "_Hallo!--are you there?_" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER TELEPHONIC SUGGESTION.--Connect the Theatres and Opera Houses +by Telephone with all the Clubs. On payment of a fixed charge, any +member should be able to hear just as much of the piece or Opera as he +might require. Something above the price of a Stall to be the maximum +charge for one person to hear entire Opera. For half the Opera, say +six shillings; for a quarter of it, three-and-six. For hearing one +song in it, eighteen-pence; and, if certain songs be in great demand, +the prices could be raised. + + * * * * * + +EPIGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF MOST PUBLIC BANQUETS WITH POSTPRANDIAL +ORATORY.--"Stuff and Nonsense." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. + +LORD SALISBURY. "HALLO!" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "HALLO!" + +LORD SALISBURY. "YOU THERE?" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "ALL THERE!" + +LORD SALISBURY. "CAN YOU SUGGEST AN _ENTRÉE_ FOR DINNER?" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "_HOMARD AU GRATIN_,--AND, BY THE WAY, HOW ABOUT +NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION?" + +LORD SALISBURY. "NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YOU!!!" + +[_Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, March 23rd._]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUFFERING ON THE "SILVER STREAK." + +THESE GENTLEMEN (AFTER A FEW HOURS' REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN +FAVOUR OF THE PROPOSED CHANNEL TUBULAR RAILWAY.] + + * * * * * + +HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK. + +(_NEW STYLE._) + + In healthier times, when friends would meet + Their friends in chamber, park, or street, + Each, as hereunder, each would greet. + + Tour level hand went forth; you clasped + Your crony's; each his comrade's grasped-- + If roughly, neither friend was rasped. + + Such was the good old-fashioned one + Of honest British "How d'ye do?" + I think it manly still--don't you? + + But _now_, when smug acquaintance hails + A set that would be "smart," but fails, + Another principle prevails. + + The arm, in lifted curve displayed, + Droops limply o'er the shoulder-blade, + As needing some chirurgeon's aid: + + The wrist is wrenched of JONES and BROWN, + Those ornaments of London Town; + Their listless fingers dribble down: + + BROWN reaches to the knuckle-bones + Of thus-excruciated JONES; + BROWN's hand the same affliction owns. + + At length his finger-tips have pressed + The fingers of his JONES distressed: + Both curvatures then sink to rest. + + A sort of anguish lisped proceeds + Prom either's mouth, but neither heeds + The other's half-heroic deeds. + + Exhausted, neither much can say; + Complacent, each pursues his way; + And JONES and BBOWN have lived to-day. + + For both have sought by strenuous strain + To demonstrate, in face of pain, + That friends they were, and friends remain. + + Ah, wonderful! Can Poets deem + Self-sacrifice a fading dream? + Are salutations what they seem? + + Is BROWN some Altruist in disguise, + And JONES an Ibsenite likewise, + That thus they flop and agonise?-- + + Or are the pair affected fools, + Who catch by rote the silly rules + Of third-rate fashionable schools? + + * * * * * + +COURT COLD! + +(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A CHAPERON._) + +They commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day's doings would +be a terrible ordeal, but she came of a bold and sturdy race, and +felt herself equal to any emergency. And so as the morning broke--as +daylight crept through the foggy air--she prepared for the sacrifice. +Yes, sacrifice; for was it not a sacrifice to barter away youth, +pride, nay, life itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me--but +away with vain regret! + +I have been told since that they were hours and hours arranging her +toilette. So long did it take that she was scarcely able to break +her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of tea, and if rumour is to be +credited, a couple of slices of thin bread-and-butter! Well, it is +over now, and I can think of it almost without tears! + +I called for her shortly after noon--for the lot had fallen upon me, +and I was destined to attend her to her doom--she was very calm, and +even smiled as I kissed her. She shivered a little as she sank beside +me. I bade her to wrap her shawl more closely around her, and after +she had complied with my command she seemed more at ease. + +And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were surrounded by +a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and mocking at us! My charge +clung to me for protection. The laughter and the jeers increased +tenfold. Then I cast her away from me roughly, whereupon followed +yells mixed with savage laughter. She, poor girl, regained her +composure, and gazed at the multitude with the dignity of an outraged +queen. And _they_ laughed the more! Laughed the more! + +At length we were set free, and made our way to a large apartment, +where we were divested of our wraps, and left in costumes better +adapted to late June than to early March, or mid-December. We were +then ordered to advance. We were driven from one bitterly cold room +to another, until we knew not whether the blood was circulating in +our veins, or had frozen. We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor +creatures pushed against us, and fought with us. The great object of +everyone was to get to the end of our journey! + +She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away the yards +of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out behind. Then her +name was uttered, or, rather, mispronounced. She sank on her knees; +and, on regaining her feet, was hustled away, to follow a number of +fellow-victims who had been treated with like indignity. + +Once more there was the bitter cold. This time the draughts were met +in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance arrived to move us +on--she to stand for a couple of hours amidst gossiping friends, and I +to go to bed. + +But the seeds of death were sown! She never recovered the shock, and +an addition to the inscriptions above the family-vault tells of her +early decease! + +And who was this poor girl? A homeless one, wandering the streets +of London? or a political prisoner, on her way to Siberia? Neither! +She was merely a _débutante_, attending her first (and last) Spring +Drawing-room at Buckingham Palace! + + * * * * * + +NOTE (_by Our Own Noodle_).--_Father Buonaparte_, at the Olympic, +judging from the account of it in the _Times_, seems to consist of +"a part" for our WILSON BARRETT, the remainder being skeletonish, or +"boney." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MATTHEWS AT HOME." (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD +ENTERTAINMENT.)] + + * * * * * + +RAIKES REX! + + Somebody once said that ultimately the Solar System would + probably become a branch of the General Post Office. The + present Postmaster-General is obviously of opinion that that + state of things has already come about. + + To rule a realm as limitless as space, + With the great G.P.O. as Central Sun, + RAIKES is the man. Of Great Panjandrum race, + He's Autocrat and Oracle in one. + The Universe indeed were no great shakes + Without RAIKES _Rex_ for Ruler. _Vivat_ RAIKES!!! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March_ 16.--House of Commons really looked +to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack of matter for quarrel. +Even before public business was reached, Orders bristled with Motions +raising controversial points. Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL, that man of peace, +was to the fore; his Bill, extending Manchester. Sheffield, and +Lincolnshire Railway into London _via_ Lord's Cricket Ground, down for +Second Reading. That redoubtable Parliamentary Archer BAUMANN also +on alert. Has taken under his personal charge the social and material +welfare of Metropolis; at one time HARRY LAWSON, on other side of +House, disputed supremacy of position with him. But, as SARK says, +BAUMANN has immense advantage of making Liberal speeches from +Conservative side. + +"If," says SARK, "I had to begin my Parliamentary life again, I would +sit for a Tory borough, and advocate Radical notions. If it were +possible, I would, with such a programme, like to represent one of the +Universities, Oxford for choice. There's a sameness about fellows who +fret up from Liberal benches and spout Radicalism, or about men who +talk Toryism from the Conservative camp. It's what was expected; what +the House of Commons enjoys is the unexpected. GRANDOLPH knows that +very well. If he'd come out as a Liberal, he wouldn't have been half +the power he is. The secret of success in political life, my young +friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself with light. The +thing doesn't hold good in the converse direction. A man sitting on +Liberal benches, and talking Toryism, will gain cheers from other +side, but not much else. Look at HORSMAN in the past; look at JOKIM +in the present. Certainly he is CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; but, even +with that, I suppose you wouldn't call him a political success?" + +[Illustration: Cupid's Bowman.] + +SARK a little prosy and opinionated; otherwise a good fellow. Whilst +his homily in progress ground considerably cleared. Manchester, +Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Bill put oft till to-morrow; Kensington +Subway Bill withdrawn; BAUMANN triumphant. Still remained public +business; OLD MORALITY led off with proposal to take Tuesdays and +Fridays for morning sittings and Opposition mustered in great force; +Mr. G. present, glowing with his own eulogy on ARTEMIS. OLD MORALITY +moved Resolution with deprecatory deferential manner; only desire +was to do his duty to QUEEN and Country and meet the convenience of +Honourable Gentlemen sitting in whatever part of the House they might +find themselves. Evidently expected outburst of indignant refusal, +long debate, and a big division. Some indignation, but little debate +and no division. Everyone on Opposition Benches seemed to expect +some one else to declare himself irreconcilable. When question put, a +pause; no one rose to continue the successive brief speeches; before +you could say JAMES FERGUSON, Government had, on this 16th of March, +practically secured all working time for remainder of Session. + +"I feel like CLIVE," said OLD MORALITY; "or was it WARREN HASTINGS? +Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation." + +[Illustration: THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS.] + +_Business done_,--Morning Sittings arranged for rest of Session. + +_Tuesday_.--"Lords" and Commons came in conflict to-day under novel +circumstances. Lord TANNEL-CHUNNEL, pending settlement of question +about making his Channel Tunnel, is promoting new trunk line of +railway. Means to bring the Manchester, Sheffield and Lincoln line +straight into London; terminus comes in by Lord's Cricket Ground; +invades the sweet simplicity of St. John's Wood; artistic population +of that quarter up in arms; shriek protest in Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL's +ear, and shake at him the angry fist. But TANNEL-CHUNNEL not a Baron +easily turned aside from accomplishment of his projects. Squares +Committee of "Lords"; impresses into support of his scheme +representatives of all the big towns on the route; Manchester, +Nottingham, Leicester, all cheer him on; Liberals, Conservatives, +Dissentient Liberals, swell his majority. Second Reading of Bill +carried by more than two to one. + +"How's that, Umpire?" CHUNNEL-TANNEL asked, carrying out his bat. +"Well played, indeed!" said the SPEAKER. + +Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore would stain the +floor of House. BARNES and WIGGINS were in it, but what it was all +about not quite clear. Something to do with a coal-truck. As far as +could be made out from choked utterances of BARNES, there had at some +remote period been a coal-truck despatched to London by the Midland +route. Something happened to it; either it was delayed, or it arrived +empty, or it didn't arrive at all. However, it was quite clear to +BARNES that the time had come when a new line of railway giving direct +access to London from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. WIGGINS +observed to be wriggling in his seat during the BARNES oration. Made +several attempts to catch SPEAKER's eye; at length succeeded; his +suppressed fury was terrible to behold: his rage Titanic. He at least +knew all about that coal-truck; though, as far as House was concerned, +he did not succeed in lifting the mystery in which BARNES had +enveloped it. Whether it was WIGGINS's coal, or merely WIGGINS's +truck; whether WIGGINS happened to be in the truck when it went +astray; or whether it was BARNES that was in it; or whether nothing +was in it but the coal; or whether, coming back to an earlier point, +there was no coal in the truck when it did (or did not) arrive at St. +Pancras: these were questions the House vainly pursued, withered, as +it was, under the wrath of WIGGINS The only point clearly perceived +was, that BIGGINS is a director of Midland Railway. + +[Illustration: "About that Coal Truck?"] + +In ordinary circumstances there are not to be found in House two +more affable men than BARNES and WIGGINS. Amongst many other virtues, +WIGGINS is, SARK tells me, one of the best judges of cigars in House, +and is never without a sample in his case. It is sad to think that a +man so gifted by nature, so favoured by fortune, should let his angry +passions rise round a coal-truck. House, contemplating the episode, +glad to shut it out by rushing off to Division Lobby. _Business +done_.--Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway Bill, Read a +Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103. + +_Thursday_.--House engaged in considering Lords' Amendments to +Tithes Bill. Things as dull as usual; House nearly empty; walk about +corridors through tea-room, newspaper-room, and library; almost +deserted; in smoking-room came upon little group playing cards; three +of them; SOLICITOR-GENERAL, CHABLES RUSSELL, and ASQUITH, LOCKWOOD +looking on. + +"I suppose," I said, "they're playing whist; why don't you make up the +hand?" + +"Whisht! it's not whist!" LOCKWOOD whispered, keeping his eye closely +fixed on game. "It's Baccarat. (Ah! CLARKE! I saw you. Come, pay up. +You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby Court case you know. I'm +not in it, but my learned brethren here hold briefs on either side, +and they say they are bound, in the interests of their clients, to +master the intricacies of the game. I must say they have managed very +successfully to subordinate their horror of gambling. RUSSELL, you +know, has a positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says, +a Barrister must sometimes put his prejudices in his pocket. ASQUITH +brings to the game a serious aspect that positively sanctifies it. +As for EDWARD CLARKE, he's wonderfully nimble. He was trying _la +poucette_ just now when I called out to him. As everything turns upon +this, my learned friends say they must make themselves acquainted +with it. But I hope it won't lead to any breaking up of families. I'm +told the Judges who are likely to be trying cases in London before +Whitsuntide, impelled by a similar sense of duty, are also studying +Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have developed a wonderful talent. +As a family man, and Recorder of Sheffield, I'm glad I'm not briefed +in the case." + +[Illustration: "Young Harry"] + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill. + +_Friday_.--Young HARRY LAWSON, with his beaver up, moved Resolution +approving the opening for certain hours, and under special +regulations, of the National Museums and Galleries, closed in +London to the public on Sundays, made capital and convincing speech; +supported by men like JOHN LUBBOCK, and, from Conservative side, +MAYNE and ELCHO. Earlier in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel, Hoxton, +Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green, had been heard by petition, praying +for the boon. But dear old ROBERT FOWLER knows better what is good +for the people. Opposed Motion. OLD MORALITY, who never goes into his +picture gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Saturday, whipped up +Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against 39. + +Mr. BUNG, who had been watching Debate from Distinguished Strangers' +Gallery, hugely delighted. "S'elp me," he said, "that'll stop +their little game for this Parliament, at least. What do they mean +hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go opening your bloomin' +mooseums and picter galleries on Sunday afternoons, _what's to become +of ME?_" + +_Business done_.--Mr. BUNG's; and very effectively, too. + + * * * * * + +"FLAT, STALE, AND UNPROFITABLE." + + HAMPDEN, farewell! Ere this you may have found + The World you swore was flat is really round. + But many a man, with brains beneath his hat. + Swears that the World is round, and finds it flat. + + * * * * * + +THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE. + +(_MARCH 21. OXFORD WON BY HALF A LENGTH._) + + Great ZEUS! was ever such a race since 1829, + When WORDSWORTH, SELWYN, MERIVALE began the mighty line, + First of the stalwart heroes who matched their straining thews, + And on great Thames's tide have fought the battle of the Blues? + Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his pen: + Still is there pluck in England, and still her sons are Men. + And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, or rain, + With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and spurt again. + A health to you, brave AMPTHILL; the cheering echoes far; + For FLEICHER and the NICKALLS' lads--_nobile fratrum par_. + A shout goes up for WILKINSON, the stalwart and the strong, + For REGGIE ROWE, and dauntless KENT, who kept the stroke so long. + For POOLE, the tidy bowman, and HEYWOOD-LONSDALE too; + Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant Oxford Crew. + Nor,--though the years speed onward, and others wield the oar, + Though others race and win or lose where we have raced before; + Though others, while we watch the sport, should play as we have played, + And scorn us prosy greybeards--shall ELIN's glory fade? + NOBLE, and LORD, and FRANCKLYN, they each shall have their cheer, + And BRADDON, small, but quick of eye, who craftily did steer, + And ROWLATT, and FOGG-ELLIOTT, and LANDALE, of the Hall, + And FISON, sturdy Corpus man--we cheer and praise them all. + _Punch_ loves all sturdy men and true, by whom great deeds are done, + And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews of '91. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL MAXIMS. + +(_Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and +Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal._) + +_Common Law_.--"The tradition of ages shall prevail," save when it +runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily paper. + +_Equity_.--(1). "No right shall be without a remedy," save when it is +sentimentally suggested that somebody's right may be somebody else's +wrong. + +(2.) "Equity follows the law," at such a distance that it never comes +up with it. + +(3.) "Equity is equality," save when a man's wife is literally his +better half. + +(4.) "Where there is equal equity the law must prevail," in any view +it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time +being. + +(5.) "Where the equities are equal the law prevails," in any course it +likes to pursue. + +(6.) "Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done," +especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the suitor ultimately +finds himself sold. + +_Contracts_.--(1.) "All contracts are construed according to the +intentions of the parties," save where one of them subsequently +changes his mind. + +(2.) "The construction should be liberal" enough to suit the fancy of +the Judge who enforces it. + +(3.) "It should be favourable" to a long and angry correspondence in +all the principal newspapers. + +(4) "The contract should in general be construed according to the law +of the country where made," but certainly not in particular. + +(5.) "That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to explain a +written contract," save when someone suggests that this practice shall +be reversed. + +(6.) "He who employs an agent does it himself," unless it is +considered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter. + +_Parent and Child_.--"A father shall have the custody of his +children," except when they get beyond his control and defy his +authority. + +_Landlord and Tenant_.--"A landlord has a right to receive his rent," +if the tenant does not spend the money on something else. + +_Husband and Wife_.--"A man has a right to the society of his wife." +when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere. + +_Birthright of an Englishman. (Popular traditionally but strictly +speaking supplementary_.)--"An Englishman's house is his castle," but +only the _pied à terre_ of the lawfully wedded sharer of his income. + +OLD FATHER ANTIC. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--CLIMATE OF THE BRITISH ISLES.--As the Gulf Stream +produces such an effect on the English climate, would it not be +feasible to add to the heat of the water in some way--say, by erecting +powerful furnaces somewhere on the south coast of Florida, or by +turning the lava from a volcano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into +the sea? I am not a man of science, but I should be glad to hear your +opinion of the scheme.--SUFFERER FROM COLD. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13281 *** diff --git a/13281-h/13281-h.htm b/13281-h/13281-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6328b09 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/13281-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1998 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, March 28, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13281 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 28, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" + id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <h2>THE G.P.O. + CUCKOO.</h2><a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/145.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the + fray,</p> + + <p>And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his + array;</p> + + <p>To North and South the message went, to W. and + E.,</p> + + <p>And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in + E.C.;</p> + + <p>From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes + wakes.</p> + + <p>As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud + for RAIKES.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon + the throng,</p> + + <p>"Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours + are very long;</p> + + <p>Yet since you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet + employs,</p> + + <p>We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of + hoys.</p> + + <p>Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor + quakes,</p> + + <p>Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine + RAIKES.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach + the Public sense,</p> + + <p>Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket + all their pence.</p> + + <p>Though the papers rave, we care not for their + chatter and their fuss.</p> + + <p>They must keep at home their messages, or send them + all through Us.</p> + + <p>And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose + crushes snakes.</p> + + <p>They have sown, but we shall reap it—'tis the + will of Mr. RAIKES."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But <i>Punch</i> was there, and listened, and his + angry face grew red,</p> + + <p>Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook + his ancient head,</p> + + <p>"RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much + incline to scorn</p> + + <p>Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and + cart away his corn.</p> + + <p>Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously + bakes</p> + + <p>Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it + all to RAIKES.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly + decrees</p> + + <p>That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, + like the bees.</p> + + <p>But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a + pleasant thing</p> + + <p>To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its + sting:</p> + + <p>And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him + who takes</p> + + <p>A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman + RAIKES!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SOUND AND SAFE.—We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to + be the new Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular + inquiry, "Who's GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe + Man." Good omen for the Shaftesbury.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BAR BARRED!</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee + sitting at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered + with plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. + Huge plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. + Thomas's Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway Extension + Bill under consideration.</i> Expert Witness <i>standing at + reading-desk under examination</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Junior Counsel</i> (<i>for Promoters</i>). You have told + us that there is a cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in + plan—in your opinion do you think that the road passing; + by Hoggsborough, coloured green, could be so diverted as to + avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge over the River Crowe, + coloured yellow?</p> + + <p><i>Expert Witness</i> (<i>with great deliberation, and + illustrating his remarks by references to a large plan</i>). In + my opinion I think the necessity of building a bridge over the + River Crowe may be avoided by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, + and by making a new road that would cross the proposed line by + a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and ultimately reach Market + Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the course of the + Raisensworth, coloured black.</p> + + <p><i>Junior Counsel</i>. Thank you—that will do. + [<i>Sits down.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Cross-Examining Q.C.</i> (<i>suddenly entering from + another Committee Room, looking for his + Junior—aside</i>). Where on earth have we got to?</p> + + <p><i>Chairman of Committee</i>. Is this witness + cross-examined?</p> + + <p><i>First C.-E. Q.C.</i> Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say + that it is necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, + coloured red in plan?</p> + + <p><i>Expert Witness</i>. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler + Estate is skirted, &c., &c. [<i>Repeats the answer he + has already given.</i></p> + + <p><i>Second Cross-Examining Q.C.</i> (<i>entering hurriedly, + as his learned brother sits down</i>). One moment, please. Now + you say that it is absolutely necessary to pass the River + Crowe, in plan coloured red, by a bridge?</p> + + <p><i>Expert Witness</i>. On the contrary, I say that if the + Swashbuckler Estate, &c., &c. [<i>Repeats his answer + for the third time.</i></p> + + <p><i>Third C.-E. Q.C.</i> (<i>entering hurriedly, as his + predecessor resumes his seat</i>). And now, Sir, that my + learned friends have asked you <i>their</i> questions, I have + to ask you <i>mine</i>. Be kind enough to say, for the benefit + of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members of the + Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction of the + proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood + of—(<i>consulting plan</i>)—Market Goosebury, + coloured blue in the plan, and, as you will see, runs through + the—(<i>inspects plan closely</i>)—Swashbuckler + Estate—yes, the Swashbuckler Estate—and comes, as + you will see, if you refer to the chart, near + Twaddlecomb—having now sufficiently indicated the + locality, I repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in + your opinion, the necessity of building a bridge over the River + Raven—(<i>is prompted by Junior</i>)—I should say, + over the River Crowe—could be avoided?</p> + + <p><i>Chairman of Committee</i> (<i>interposing</i>). I would + suggest that, as this question has been answered three times, + the witness be excused further examination at the hands of + Counsel not present at the examination-in-chief.</p> + + <p><i>First C.-E. Q.C.</i> (<i>warmly</i>). I consider this an + infringement of the privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. + Chairman must remember that it is possible that a single + reference in the examination-in-chief may only require + cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we represent. + Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very + seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by + a learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are + occasionally wanted elsewhere.</p> + + <p><i>Second C.-E. Q.C.</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). Yes; and how + can we attend to our Clients' interests if we are not allowed + to be in two places at once?</p> + + <p><i>Third C.-E. Q.C.</i> (<i>furiously</i>). You have no + right to act upon an old ruling that was never enforced. Why, + such a regulation would ruin us—and many of us have wives + and children!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to + brave imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary, + N.B.—Up to date the Tower is untenanted.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW—PHOTOGRAPHS!"—MR. A. + BRIEFLESS, Junr., having received a respectful invitation from + some Brook Street Photographers to favour them (without charge) + with a sitting, "to enable them to complete their series of + portraits of distinguished legal gentlemen," regrets to say + that, as he has already sat for another Firm making the same + request (see <i>Papers from Pump-handle Court</i>), he is + unable to comply with their courteous request. However, he is + pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded to + others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he + "possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his + connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, + Junr., wishes the industrious Firm every success in their + public-spirited undertaking.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" + id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN.</h2>(A + LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.) + <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/146.png" + alt="'WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!'" /> + </a>"WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!" + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Were I to go further into detail, I should show you + that the floodgates of (financial) abuse have been opened + even to a much larger extent than I have described. We are + getting into a system under which Parliament is treated, + and the country is treated, to the exhibition of fictitious + surpluses of revenue over expenditure."—<i>Mr. + Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. Goschen's Finance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The backwater was snug and fair,</p> + + <p>And the gay Canoeist cavorted there.</p> + + <p>Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere</p> + + <p class="i2">A reputation for pluck and stay!"</p> + + <p>Amidst the reeds the river ran;</p> + + <p>Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan,</p> + + <p class="i6">And loudly did lament</p> + + <p class="i2">The better deeds of a better day;</p> + + <p>Ever the gray Canoeist went on,</p> + + <p class="i2">Making his memos. as he went.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>II.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My foes are piqued, I must suppose,</p> + + <p>But cannot see their way to a 'Cry.'"</p> + + <p class="i2">(So mused the man with the Semite + nose,</p> + + <p class="i6">As up the backwater he + swept.)</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" + id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + + <p>"What I like" (said he) "in this nook so shy,</p> + + <p>Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow,</p> + + <p>Squaring accounts at my own sweet will.</p> + + <p>With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill!</p> + + <p>The Swan's as quiet as though he slept.</p> + + <p>I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>III.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole,</p> + + <p>Snorting with furious joy.</p> + + <p>Hidden by rushes he yet drew near,</p> + + <p>Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear</p> + + <p>Those snortings fell, both full and clear.</p> + + <p>Floating about the backwater shy,</p> + + <p>Stronger and stronger the shindy stole,</p> + + <p>Filling the startled Canoeist with fear;</p> + + <p>And the jubilant jobating voice,</p> + + <p>With menaces meaning and manifold,</p> + + <p>Flowed forth on a "snorter" clear and bold</p> + + <p>(As when a party-procession rejoice</p> + + <p>With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of + gold),</p> + + <p>Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold,</p> + + <p>And over his paddle he crouched and rolled;</p> + + <p>And he wished himself from that nook afar</p> + + <p>(If it were but reading the evening star):</p> + + <p>And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed,</p> + + <p>And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed,</p> + + <p>He walloped into that paddler gay</p> + + <p>(Bent on enjoying his holiday).</p> + + <p>He smote him here, and he spanked him there,</p> + + <p>Upset his "balance," rumpled his hair.</p> + + <p>"I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding + pinions,</p> + + <p>"To come intruding in <i>my</i> dominions!"</p> + + <p>And the frightened flags, and the startled + reeds,</p> + + <p>And the willow-branches hoar and dank,</p> + + <p>And the shaking rushes and wobbling weeds,</p> + + <p>And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank,</p> + + <p>And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng</p> + + <p>(Who yelled at seeing him going so strong)</p> + + <p>Were flooded and fluttered by that Stentor song!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET.—"<i>Floreat + Etona!</i>" by all means, and may "HENRY's holy shade" never be + less! But doesn't it seem rather like a contradiction in terms, + for Old Etonians to sit down to an Eaten Dinner?—Yours, + once removed,</p> + + <p class="author">A SIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/147.png" + alt="FORM!" /></a> + + <h3>FORM!</h3> + + <p>"GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT A SWELL! WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT? + WEDDING BREAKFAST?"</p> + + <p>"OH NO; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. <i>MUST</i> BE + DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN I GO TO SEE <i>HIM</i>. HE'S SO + BEASTLY CRITICAL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ABOUT THE COURT.</h2> + + <p>At the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the + illustrated House Programme, is "Licensed by the London County + Council to the Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN WOOD and Mr. A. + CHUDLEIGH,"—is the LORD CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this + quarter? (how can there be a Court without a Lord + Chamberlain?), and, "under which king, Bezonian?" Was it in the + days of <i>The Happy Land?</i>—but no matter. To resume. + At the aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed an + original Farce, in Three Acts, written by Mr. R.R. LUMLEY. Ah! + Ah! LUMLEY, this isn't quite up to your other piece, <i>Aunt + Jack.</i> Mrs. JOHN WOOD is invaluable, and keeps the game + alive throughout; while ARTHUR CECIL's <i>Duke of + Donoway</i>—not a Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical + circumstances—is excellent. WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, + but in make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems + mixed up with one or two others that he has played, and is very + far from being in the same category with <i>Aunt Jack's</i> + crushed Solicitor. BRANDON THOMAS as <i>Captain Roland Gurney, + R.N.</i>, is very natural. <i>The Office Boy</i> of Master + WILSON and the little <i>Gridd</i> of Master WESTGATE (very + near Birchington when the boy is in Mrs. WOOD's hands), are + capital. Miss CARLOTTA LECLERCQ's <i>Duchess</i> is equal to + the occasion. The two girls' parts are unnatural and + uninteresting. What ought to make the success of the piece is + the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing "<i>The + Wolf</i>," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends + in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if + this situation had been so contrived,—as it might have + been, allow me to say,—as to end the Act, the Curtain + falling on the climax, the dashing down of the enraged + musician's song and the exit of the Duke, the run of <i>The + Volcano</i> would have been insured from now to Christmas. Is + it too late to retrieve this? To quote the title of one of + ANTHONY TROLLOPE's novels, "I say No!" There is so much that is + genuinely funny in the piece, that if the alteration is done + with a will, <i>hic et nunc</i>, why within a week the piece + could be fixed securely in its place for the London season, and + beyond it. Let funny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and + come out as the flaxen-headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And + a word in his ear,—SOTHERN fashioned <i>Lord + Dundreary</i> out of a worse part than this. <i>The Volcano</i> + shouldn't "bust up." That's my opinion, as</p> + + <p class="author">A FRIEND AT COURT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM.</h3> + + <p>From the <i>Queen</i>. A Correspondent writes:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"JOURNALISM.—I want to become a Dramatic Critic; + how should I begin? I am fond of going to the theatre, but + find it difficult to remember the plot of the play + afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors + prefer?—<i>Histrionica</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing + School for Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for + Critics? The Master would take his pupils to the Theatre + regularly, and could lecture on the Play as it proceeded. + Should Managers and Actors be so blind to the best interests of + their Art as to refuse to allow the play to be stopped from + time to time to allow of the Instructor's remarks, then he + would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his + pupils into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, where he + could give his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a + Scene or an Act every night,—and if they paid for their + places (a reduction being made for a quantity), the particular + drama they patronised would be considerably benefited by this + plan.</p> + + <p>There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these + critical scholars—say Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate + gown, and portable mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. + There might be a row reserved for them at the back of the Dress + Circle, and twenty-five per cent. reduction on tickets for a + series. The M.C., or Master of Critics, would take a fee for a + course from each pupil. Fee to include seat at theatre, + instruction, <i>and supper afterwards</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL + LANGUAGE,—"Hallo!" being the recognised telephonic + summons in use between companies and individuals of all + nationalities, may be already considered as "Hallo'd by a + variety of associations."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" + id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. I.—ROSMERSHÖLM (CONCLUDED.)</h3> + + <h4>ACT III.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Sitting-room at Rosmershölm. Sun shining outside in + the Garden. Inside</i> REBECCA WEST <i>is watering a + geranium with a small watering-pot. Her crochet + antimacassar lies in the arm-chair.</i> Madam HELSETH <i>is + rubbing the chairs with furniture-polish from a large + bottle. Enter</i> ROSMER, <i>with his hat and stick in his + hand.</i> Madam HELSETH <i>corks the bottle and goes out to + the right.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rebecca</i>. Good morning, dear. (<i>A moment + after—crocheting.</i>) Have you seen Rector KROLL's paper + this morning? There's something about <i>you</i> in it.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. Oh, indeed? (<i>Puts down hat and stick, and + takes up paper.</i>) H'm! (<i>Reads—then walks about the + room.</i>) KROLL <i>has</i> made it hot for me. (<i>Reads some + more.</i>) Oh, this is <i>too</i> bad! REBECCA, they <i>do</i> + say such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a + renegade—and I can't <i>think</i> why! They + <i>mustn't</i> go on like this. All that is good in human + nature will go to ruin if they're allowed to attack an + excellent man like me! Only think, if I can make them see how + unkind they have been!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious + object to attain—and I wish you may get it!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. Thanks. I think I shall. (<i>Happens to look + through window, and jumps.</i>) Ah, no, I shan't—never + now. I have just seen—</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/148.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> <i>Not</i> the White Horse, dear? We must really + not overdo that White Horse!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. No—the mill-race, where + BEATA—(<i>Puts on his hat—takes it off again.</i>) + I'm beginning to be haunted by—no, I <i>don't</i> mean + the horse—by a terrible suspicion that BEATA may have + been right after all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of + it, that I must really have been in love with you from the + first. Tell me <i>your</i> opinion.</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>struggling with herself, and still + crocheting.</i>) Oh—I can't exactly say—such an odd + question to ask me!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>shakes his head</i>). Perhaps; I have no + sense of humour—no respectable Norwegian + <i>has</i>—and I <i>do</i> want to know—because, + you see, if I <i>was</i> in love with you, it was a <i>sin</i>, + and if I once convinced myself of that—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Wanders across the room.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>breaking out</i>). Oh, these old ancestral + prejudices! Here is your hat, and your stick, too; go and take + a walk.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[ROSMER <i>takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and + takes a walk; presently</i> Madam HELSETH <i>appears, and + tells</i> REBECCA <i>something</i>. REBECCA <i>tells</i> + her <i>something. They whisper together</i>. Madam H. + <i>nods, and shows in</i> Rector KROLL, <i>who keeps his + hat in his hand, and sits on a chair.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. I merely called for the purpose of informing + you that I consider you an artful and designing person, but + that, on the whole, considering your birth and moral + antecedents, you know—(<i>nods at her</i>)—it is + not surprising. (REBECCA <i>walks about, wringing her + hands</i>) Why, what <i>is</i> the matter? Did you really not + know that you had no right to your father's name? I'd no + <i>idea</i> you would mind my mentioning such a trifle!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>breaking out</i>). I <i>do</i> mind. I am an + emancipated enigma, but I retain a few little prejudices still. + I <i>don't</i> like owning to my real age, and I <i>do</i> + prefer to be legitimate. And, after your information—of + which I was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late Mrs. GAMVIK, + never <i>once</i> alluded to it—I feel I must confess + everything. Strong-minded advanced women are like that. Here is + ROSMER. (ROSMER <i>enters with his hat and stick.</i>) ROSMER, + I want to tell you and Rector KROLL a little story. Let us sit + down, dear, all three of us. (<i>They sit down, mechanically, + on chairs.</i>) A long time ago, before the play + began—(<i>in a voice scarcely audible</i>)—in + Ibsenite dramas, all the interesting things somehow <i>do</i> + happen before the play begins—</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. But, REBECCA, I <i>know</i> all this. + KROLL—(<i>looks hard at her</i>). Perhaps I had better + go?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> No—I will be short—this was it. I + wanted to take my share in the life of the New Era, and march + onward with ROSMER. There was one dismal, insurmountable + barrier—(<i>to</i> ROSMER, <i>who nods + gravely</i>)—BEATA! I understood where your deliverance + lay—and I acted. <i>I</i> drove BEATA into the mill-race + ... There!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>after a short silence</i>). H'm! Well, + KROLL—(<i>takes up his hat</i>)—if you're thinking + of walking home, I'll go too. I'm going to be orthodox once + more—after <i>this</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>severely and impressively, to</i> REB.). A + nice sort of young woman <i>you</i> are! [<i>Both go out + hastily, without looking at</i> REB.</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>speaks to herself, under her breath</i>). + Now I <i>have</i> done it. I wonder <i>why</i>. (<i>Pulls + bell-rope.</i>) Madam HELSETH, I have just had a glimpse of two + rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-trunk.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Enter</i> Madam H., <i>with large hair-trunk, as + Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>ACT IV.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Late evening</i>. REBECCA WEST <i>stands by a lighted + lamp, with a shade over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in + a reticule, with a faint smile. The antimacassar is on the + sofa. Enter</i> ROSMER.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>seeing the sandwiches, &c.</i>). + Sandwiches? Then you <i>are</i> going I Why, on earth,—I + <i>can't</i> understand!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Dear, you never <i>can</i>. Rosmershölm is too + much for me. But how did you get on with KROLL?</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. We have made it up. He has convinced me that + the work of ennobling men was several sizes too large for + me—so I am going to let it alone—</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>with her faint smile</i>). There I almost + think, dear, that you are wise.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>as if annoyed</i>). What, so <i>you</i> + don't believe in me either, REBECCA—you never <i>did! + [Sits listlessly on chair.</i></p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Not much, dear, when you are left to + yourself—but I've another confession to make.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. What, <i>another</i>? I really can't stand + any more confessions just now!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>sitting close to him</i>). It is only a + little one. I bullied BEATA into the mill-race—because of + a wild uncontrollable— (ROSMER <i>moves uneasily.</i>) + Sit still, dear—uncontrollable fancy—for + <i>you</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>goes and sits on sofa</i>). Oh, my + goodness, REBECCA—you <i>mustn't</i>, you know!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He jumps up and down as if embarrassed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Don't be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. + After living alone with you in solitude, when you showed me all + your thoughts without reserve,—little by little, somehow + the fancy passed off. I caught the ROSMER view of life badly, + and dulness descended on my soul as an extinguisher upon one of + our Northern dips. The ROSMER view of life is ennobling, + very—but hardly lively. And I've more yet to tell + you.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>turning it off</i>). Isn't that enough for + one evening P</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>almost voiceless</i>). No, dear. I have a + Past—<i>behind</i> me!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. <i>Behind</i> you? How strange. I had an idea + of that sort already. (<i>Starts, as if in fear.</i>) A joke! + (<i>Sadly.</i>) Ah, no—<i>no</i>, I must not give way to + <i>that</i>! Never mind the Past, REBECCA; I once thought that + I had made the grand discovery that, if one is only virtuous, + one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too + original—an immature dream. What bothers me is that I + can't—somehow I <i>can't</i>—believe entirely in + you—I am not even sure that I <i>have</i> ennobled you so + very much—<i>isn't</i> it terrible?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>wringing her hands</i>). Oh, this killing + doubt! (<i>Looks darkly at him.</i>) Is there anything <i>I</i> + can do to convince you?</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>as if impelled to speak against his + will</i>). Yes, one thing—only I'm afraid you wouldn't + see it in the same light. And yet I must mention it. It is like + this. I want to recover faith in my mission, in my power to + ennoble human souls. And, as a logical thinker, this I cannot + do now, unless—well, unless you jump into the mill-race, + too, like BEATA!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>takes up her antimacassar, with composure, + and puts it on her head</i>). Anything to oblige you.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>springs up</i>). What? You really + <i>will</i>! You are <i>sure</i> you don't mind? Then, REBECCA, + I will go further. I will even go—yes—as far as you + go yourself!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>bows her head towards his breast</i>). You + will see me off? Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Smiles almost imperceptibly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>cautiously</i>). I said as far as + <i>you</i> go. I don't commit myself further than that. Shall + we go?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> First tell me this. Are <i>you</i> going with + <i>me</i>, or am <i>I</i> going with <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. A subtle psychological point—but we + have not time to think it out here. We will discuss it as we go + along. Come!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" + id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> + + <blockquote> + <p>[ROSMER <i>takes his hat and stick</i>, REBECCA <i>her + reticule, with sandwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through + the door, which they leave open. The room (as is not + uncommon with rooms in Norway) is left empty. Then</i> + Madam HELSETH <i>enters through another door.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Madam H.</i> The cab, Miss—not here! (<i>Looks + out.</i>) Out together—at this time of night—upon + my—<i>not</i> on the garden-seat? (<i>Looks out of + window.</i>) My goodness! <i>what</i> is that white thing on + the bridge—the <i>Horse</i> at last! (<i>Shrieks + aloud.</i>) And those two sinful creatures running home!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter</i> ROSMER <i>and</i> REBECCA, <i>out of + breath.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>scarcely able to get the words out</i>). + It's no use, REBECCA—we must put it off till another + evening. We can't be expected to jump off a footbridge which + already has a White Horse on it. And, if it comes to that, why + should we jump at all? I know now that I really <i>have</i> + ennobled you, which was all <i>I</i> wanted. What would be the + good of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a + mill-pond? No, REBECCA—(<i>lays his hand on her + head</i>)—there is no judge over us, and + therefore—</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>interrupting gravely</i>). We will bind + ourselves over in our own recognisances to come up for judgment + when called upon.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Madam HELSETH <i>holds on to a chair-back</i>, REBECCA + <i>finishes the antimacassar calmly as Curtain + falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>A GRAND OLD WETTERUN!</h2> + + <p>I ain't bin werry well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was + cort in the Lizzard, I think, as they called it, on that awful + Munday nite, and that was pretty nearly a settler for both my + old bones and my breth, and might ha' bin quite so, if one of + the werry kindest Members of the old Copperashun as I nos on, + who had bin a dining with a jolly party on 'em, hadn't kindly + directed my notise to about a harf bottle-full of werry fine + old Port, with the remarkabel kind words, "That's just about + what you wants, Mr. ROBERT, to take you ome safely this most + orful nite!" And so it were, and I didn't waste a single drop + on it.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/149-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149-1.png" + alt="The 'Tipper's' Strike." /></a>The "Tipper's" + Strike. + </div> + + <p>However, I was obligated to have a good long rest, which I + took out mostly in sleep; but, jest as I was preparing to set + out for the "Grand Hotel," in comes my Son; and he says to me, + "Guvnor," says he—I notise as he allers calls me Guvnor + when he wants me to do sumthink—"I wants you to do me the + favour to ask <i>Mr. Punch</i> for to do you a favour." "Why, + what do you mean?" says I. "Why, this is what I means," says + he. "About the grandest feller as ewer in the hole world gave + up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make hundreds of + stupid boys into clever boys, and hundreds of bad boys into + good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a + going for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them + hundreds of boys, me among 'em, to sellybrate his Jewbilly, + same as the QUEEN had the other day. Ewery one of us as lives + in London will jump at the chance; but the boys as he turns out + from the great City of Lundon Skool is such reel fust-raters, + that they gits snapped up direckly by Merchants and peeple, and + sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious + buzzinesses there, so we don't know how to get at 'em; but as + <i>Mr. Punch</i> goes wherever any smart, clever English chap + goes, if he wood most kindly let this littel matter be + mentioned, the grandest, and sucksessfullest, ay, and wittiest + Skool Master of modern times wood get his dew reward."</p> + + <p>So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and + this is what I can add to them from my own knowlidg. There's + sum of the old boys, as isn't quite as yung as when they left + Skool, as has formed a club to dine together sumtimes, and tork + of old times, like senserbel fellers as they is; and Mr. JOSEPH + HARRIS, the gennelman in question, is allers there, and allers + has to make a speech, and I am amost allers there too; and, to + hear the joyful shouts of arty welcome with which his old + pupils greets him when he rises for to speak, and their roars + of larfter at his wit, and his fun, and his good-humer, while + he is a speaking, is so wery remarkabel, that I sumtimes + wanders whether it doesn't, a good deal of it, rise from the + fact of his great School being so close to <i>Mr. Punch's</i> + own horfice. But this is over the way, as the great writer + says. May I be alowd to had that my speshal frend, and + hewerybody's speshal frend, Mr. COOKE, is reddy to receive any + number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW PROVIDENCE.—"My life is in your hands," as the + Autobiographist said to his Publisher.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Latest Version; suggested by a Case at the London + Sessions.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who on the river his wherry did ply?</p> + + <p>When rowing along with great skill and + dexterity,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Cask of Madeira it caught his pleased + eye.</p> + + <p>It looked so nice, he rowed up steadily,</p> + + <p>Transferred that cask to his boat right readily;</p> + + <p>And he eyed the dear drink with so eager an air,</p> + + <p>For the name on the cask not a jot did he care.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When smart EDDARD SAILL got that cask in his + wherry,</p> + + <p class="i2">He cleaned it out—partly—with + swiggings not small,</p> + + <p>And with his companions—what + wonder?—made merry;</p> + + <p class="i2">Madeira's a wine that's not tippled by + all.</p> + + <p>One fancies one hears 'em a laughing and + cheering,</p> + + <p>Says EDDARD, "My boys, this is better than + beering!</p> + + <p>A Waterman's life would be free from all care</p> + + <p>If he often dropped on treasure trove like that + there."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet but to think now how strangely things + happen!</p> + + <p class="i2">They copped him for "larceny by + finding,"—that's all!</p> + + <p>But SAILL couldn't read, and the jury was + kindly,</p> + + <p class="i2">So EDDARD got off, though his chance + appeared small.</p> + + <p>Now would this young Waterman keep out of + sorrow,</p> + + <p>No derelict casks let him—shall we say, + borrow?</p> + + <p>Madeira is nice, but you'd best have a care,</p> + + <p>Before swigging the wine, that it's yours fair and + square!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p><i>The Childhood and Youth of Dickens</i>, a sort of short + postscript to FORSTER's Life, very well got up by its + publishers HUTCHINSON & Co., will interest those who for + the third or fourth time are going through a course of + DICKENS.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/149-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The + best pocket-book <i>must</i> contain a calendar-diary, and as + little printed matter, and as much space for notes, as + possible. No pocket-book is perfect without some sort of patent + pencil, of which the writing-metal, when used on a damp + surface, will serve as well as do pen and ink on ordinary + paper. Such a pocket-book with such a pencil the Baron has long + had in use, the product of JOHN WALKER & Co., of Farringdon + House. It should be called <i>The Walker Pocket-book, or + Pedestrian's Companion</i>; for, as "He who runs may read," so, + with this handy combination, "He who walks may write." The + Baron is led to mention this <i>à propos</i> of a novelty by + T.J. SMITH AND DOWNES, called <i>The Self-registering Pocket + Note-book</i>, a very neat invention, <i>quâ</i> Note-book + only, but of which only one size has the invaluable patent + pencil. The ordinary pencil entails carrying a knife, and, + though this is good for the cutler—"I know that man, he + comes from Sheffield"—yet it is a defect which is a + constant source of worry to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, + Messrs. SMITH AND DOWNES' artfulness in making the pencil serve + as a marker, so that the latest note can at once be found, is + decidedly ingenious, and may probably be found most useful. + <i>Experientia docet: Baronius tentabit.</i></p> + + <p>While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank + Messrs. CASSELL & Co. for the pocket volumes of the + <i>National Library</i> edited by HENRY MORLEY, and ventures to + recommend as a real travelling companion, <i>Essays, Civil and + Moral, by Francis Bacon</i>. In the eighteenth Essay "Of + Travel," the chief Diarists, "LETTS AND SON," might find a + motto for <i>their</i> publications. The Baron directs their + attention to this side of BACON from which this is a + slice,—"<i>Let Diaries, therefore, be brought in + use</i>." A new reading for advertising purposes would change + "Let" into "Letts," or Letts could be interpolated in brackets. + "A cheeky way of treating BACON," says the Baron's friend + little FUNNIMAN (Author of <i>Funniman's Poor Jokes</i>); but, + if nothing worse than this can be said against the Baron's + suggestion, why, "Letts adopt it," says</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" + id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/150.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/150.png" + alt="MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING." /></a> + + <h3>MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING.</h3> + + <center> + (<i>The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist.</i>) + </center> + + <center> + "WELL, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY, I'VE LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, + AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO TO YOU THIS + YEAR!" + </center> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"In the words of the Postmaster-General, spoken + yesterday (March 18th) from his room in St. + Martin's-le-Grand, and distinctly heard by the head of a + corresponding department in Paris, the triumph of the + International Telephone is an accomplished + fact."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>HALLO!—are you there</i>? That's the cue + international,</p> + + <p class="i2">Henceforth we'll hope, and we trust it + may lead</p> + + <p>To colloquies pleasant, relations more rational.</p> + + <p class="i2">May "saucers" and tubes telephonic + succeed</p> + + <p>In setting the world "by the ears," in a fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Not meant by the men who invented that + phrase.</p> + + <p>May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion</p> + + <p class="i10">Die out, like a craze!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why, bless us, and save us! We <i>ought</i> to + behave us</p> + + <p class="i2">A little bit better for all our new + light.</p> + + <p>From incurable savagery nothing can save us</p> + + <p class="i2">If Science can't cool down our fondness + for fight.</p> + + <p>With so many chances of "talking things over,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Like comrades in council, across the + broad sea,</p> + + <p>Nations ought to be nice, as a girl and her + lover</p> + + <p class="i10">At five o'clock tea!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Eh? <i>Vox et præterea nihil</i>? What matter</p> + + <p class="i2">How close ears may seem if the hearts are + apart?</p> + + <p>Humph! Nothing go easy as cynical chatter;</p> + + <p class="i2">Distrust's diplomatic, and satire sounds + "smart."</p> + + <p>But, as RAIKES suggests, there <i>is</i> something + in hearing</p> + + <p class="i2">The "great human voice" o'er some three + hundred miles,</p> + + <p>In spite of the scorn that's so given to + sneering,</p> + + <p class="i10">The hate that reviles.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One wonders what TALLEYRAND, subtle old schemer!</p> + + <p class="i2">Would think of the Telephone were + <i>he</i> alive.</p> + + <p>Wits sniff at the <i>savant</i>, and mock at the + dreamer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who else, though, so hard for humanity + strive?</p> + + <p>BELLONA's sworn backers are woefully numerous;</p> + + <p class="i2">Peace, let us pray, may claim this as + <i>her</i> friend;</p> + + <p>The "Sentiment" flouted by swashbucklers + humorous</p> + + <p class="i10">Sways, at the end.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If language was given our thoughts for + concealing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Telephone—'tis but a travelling + Voice!—</p> + + <p>Need not be the agent of reckless revealing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And caution must often be candour's wise + choice.</p> + + <p>Unwisdom is sure to be sometimes caught napping,</p> + + <p class="i2">And tongues may wag foolishly e'en + through the wire.</p> + + <p>Facilities freer for summary snapping</p> + + <p class="i10">No sage can desire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Great diplomats, proud of their "able + dispatches,"</p> + + <p class="i2">From trusting the tube with their wisdom + may shrink.</p> + + <p>The brain that in secret shrewd policies + hatches,</p> + + <p class="i2">May not care to canvas 'cute schemes + "o'er a drink."</p> + + <p>Yet times must be many when sense will be winner</p> + + <p class="i2">By chatting of trifles, which nations + have riled,</p> + + <p>As freely as though <i>vis-à -vis</i> at a + dinner,</p> + + <p class="i10">And carefully "tiled."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now England and France can thus gossip together,</p> + + <p class="i2">And CARNOT and SALISBURY thus + hob-a-nob,</p> + + <p>We'll hope for set-fair international weather.</p> + + <p class="i2">Our RAIKES and their ROCHE appear well + "on the job."</p> + + <p>The Telephone's triumph at least is not + sinister.</p> + + <p class="i2">Things should go easier + somehow—with care,</p> + + <p>When patriot Minister greets patriot Minister,</p> + + <p class="i10">"<i>Hallo!—are you there?</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ANOTHER TELEPHONIC SUGGESTION.—Connect the Theatres + and Opera Houses by Telephone with all the Clubs. On payment of + a fixed charge, any member should be able to hear just as much + of the piece or Opera as he might require. Something above the + price of a Stall to be the maximum charge for one person to + hear entire Opera. For half the Opera, say six shillings; for a + quarter of it, three-and-six. For hearing one song in it, + eighteen-pence; and, if certain songs be in great demand, the + prices could be raised.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EPIGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF MOST PUBLIC BANQUETS WITH + POSTPRANDIAL ORATORY.—"Stuff and Nonsense."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" + id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/151.png" + alt="PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL." /></a> + + <h3>PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.</h3> + + <p>LORD SALISBURY. "HALLO!"</p> + + <p>M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "HALLO!"</p> + + <p>LORD SALISBURY. "YOU THERE?"</p> + + <p>M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "ALL THERE!"</p> + + <p>LORD SALISBURY. "CAN YOU SUGGEST AN <i>ENTRÉE</i> FOR + DINNER?"</p> + + <p>M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "<i>HOMARD AU GRATIN</i>,—AND, BY + THE WAY, HOW ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION?"</p> + + <p>LORD SALISBURY. "NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YOU!!!"</p> + + <center> + [<i>Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, + March 23rd.</i>] + </center> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" + id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/153.png" + alt="SUFFERING ON THE 'SILVER STREAK.'" /></a> + + <h3>SUFFERING ON THE "SILVER STREAK."</h3>THESE GENTLEMEN + (AFTER A FEW HOURS' REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN FAVOUR OF + THE PROPOSED CHANNEL TUBULAR RAILWAY. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>New Style.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In healthier times, when friends would meet</p> + + <p>Their friends in chamber, park, or street,</p> + + <p>Each, as hereunder, each would greet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tour level hand went forth; you clasped</p> + + <p>Your crony's; each his comrade's grasped—</p> + + <p>If roughly, neither friend was rasped.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such was the good old-fashioned one</p> + + <p>Of honest British "How d'ye do?"</p> + + <p>I think it manly still—don't you?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But <i>now</i>, when smug acquaintance hails</p> + + <p>A set that would be "smart," but fails,</p> + + <p>Another principle prevails.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The arm, in lifted curve displayed,</p> + + <p>Droops limply o'er the shoulder-blade,</p> + + <p>As needing some chirurgeon's aid:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The wrist is wrenched of JONES and BROWN,</p> + + <p>Those ornaments of London Town;</p> + + <p>Their listless fingers dribble down:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>BROWN reaches to the knuckle-bones</p> + + <p>Of thus-excruciated JONES;</p> + + <p>BROWN's hand the same affliction owns.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At length his finger-tips have pressed</p> + + <p>The fingers of his JONES distressed:</p> + + <p>Both curvatures then sink to rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A sort of anguish lisped proceeds</p> + + <p>Prom either's mouth, but neither heeds</p> + + <p>The other's half-heroic deeds.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Exhausted, neither much can say;</p> + + <p>Complacent, each pursues his way;</p> + + <p>And JONES and BBOWN have lived to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For both have sought by strenuous strain</p> + + <p>To demonstrate, in face of pain,</p> + + <p>That friends they were, and friends remain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, wonderful! Can Poets deem</p> + + <p>Self-sacrifice a fading dream?</p> + + <p>Are salutations what they seem?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is BROWN some Altruist in disguise,</p> + + <p>And JONES an Ibsenite likewise,</p> + + <p>That thus they flop and agonise?—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or are the pair affected fools,</p> + + <p>Who catch by rote the silly rules</p> + + <p>Of third-rate fashionable schools?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>COURT COLD!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Page from the Diary of a Chaperon.</i>)</h4> + + <p>They commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day's + doings would be a terrible ordeal, but she came of a bold and + sturdy race, and felt herself equal to any emergency. And so as + the morning broke—as daylight crept through the foggy + air—she prepared for the sacrifice. Yes, sacrifice; for + was it not a sacrifice to barter away youth, pride, nay, life + itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me—but away + with vain regret!</p> + + <p>I have been told since that they were hours and hours + arranging her toilette. So long did it take that she was + scarcely able to break her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of + tea, and if rumour is to be credited, a couple of slices of + thin bread-and-butter! Well, it is over now, and I can think of + it almost without tears!</p> + + <p>I called for her shortly after noon—for the lot had + fallen upon me, and I was destined to attend her to her + doom—she was very calm, and even smiled as I kissed her. + She shivered a little as she sank beside me. I bade her to wrap + her shawl more closely around her, and after she had complied + with my command she seemed more at ease.</p> + + <p>And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were + surrounded by a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and + mocking at us! My charge clung to me for protection. The + laughter and the jeers increased tenfold. Then I cast her away + from me roughly, whereupon followed yells mixed with savage + laughter. She, poor girl, regained her composure, and gazed at + the multitude with the dignity of an outraged queen. And + <i>they</i> laughed the more! Laughed the more!</p> + + <p>At length we were set free, and made our way to a large + apartment, where we were divested of our wraps, and left in + costumes better adapted to late June than to early March, or + mid-December. We were then ordered to advance. We were driven + from one bitterly cold room to another, until we knew not + whether the blood was circulating in our veins, or had frozen. + We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor creatures pushed + against us, and fought with us. The great object of everyone + was to get to the end of our journey!</p> + + <p>She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away + the yards of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out + behind. Then her name was uttered, or, rather, mispronounced. + She sank on her knees; and, on regaining her feet, was hustled + away, to follow a number of fellow-victims who had been treated + with like indignity.</p> + + <p>Once more there was the bitter cold. This time the draughts + were met in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance + arrived to move us on—she to stand for a couple of hours + amidst gossiping friends, and I to go to bed.</p> + + <p>But the seeds of death were sown! She never recovered the + shock, and an addition to the inscriptions above the + family-vault tells of her early decease!</p> + + <p>And who was this poor girl? A homeless one, wandering the + streets of London? or a political prisoner, on her way to + Siberia? Neither! She was merely a <i>débutante</i>, attending + her first (and last) Spring Drawing-room at Buckingham + Palace!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTE (<i>by Our Own Noodle</i>).—<i>Father + Buonaparte</i>, at the Olympic, judging from the account of it + in the <i>Times</i>, seems to consist of "a part" for our + WILSON BARRETT, the remainder being skeletonish, or + "boney."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" + id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/154.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/154.png" + alt="'MATTHEWS AT HOME.' (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD ENTERTAINMENT.)" /> + </a> + + <h3>"MATTHEWS AT HOME." (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD + ENTERTAINMENT.)</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" + id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> + + <h3>RAIKES REX!</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>Somebody once said that ultimately the Solar System + would probably become a branch of the General Post Office. + The present Postmaster-General is obviously of opinion that + that state of things has already come about.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To rule a realm as limitless as space,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the great G.P.O. as Central Sun,</p> + + <p>RAIKES is the man. Of Great Panjandrum race,</p> + + <p class="i2">He's Autocrat and Oracle in one.</p> + + <p>The Universe indeed were no great shakes</p> + + <p>Without RAIKES <i>Rex</i> for Ruler. <i>Vivat</i> + RAIKES!!!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March</i> 16.—House of + Commons really looked to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack + of matter for quarrel. Even before public business was reached, + Orders bristled with Motions raising controversial points. Lord + CHUNNEL-TANNEL, that man of peace, was to the fore; his Bill, + extending Manchester. Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway into + London <i>via</i> Lord's Cricket Ground, down for Second + Reading. That redoubtable Parliamentary Archer BAUMANN also on + alert. Has taken under his personal charge the social and + material welfare of Metropolis; at one time HARRY LAWSON, on + other side of House, disputed supremacy of position with him. + But, as SARK says, BAUMANN has immense advantage of making + Liberal speeches from Conservative side.</p> + + <p>"If," says SARK, "I had to begin my Parliamentary life + again, I would sit for a Tory borough, and advocate Radical + notions. If it were possible, I would, with such a programme, + like to represent one of the Universities, Oxford for choice. + There's a sameness about fellows who fret up from Liberal + benches and spout Radicalism, or about men who talk Toryism + from the Conservative camp. It's what was expected; what the + House of Commons enjoys is the unexpected. GRANDOLPH knows that + very well. If he'd come out as a Liberal, he wouldn't have been + half the power he is. The secret of success in political life, + my young friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself + with light. The thing doesn't hold good in the converse + direction. A man sitting on Liberal benches, and talking + Toryism, will gain cheers from other side, but not much else. + Look at HORSMAN in the past; look at JOKIM in the present. + Certainly he is CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; but, even with + that, I suppose you wouldn't call him a political success?"</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/155-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/155-1.png" + alt="Cupid's Bowman." /></a>Cupid's Bowman. + </div> + + <p>SARK a little prosy and opinionated; otherwise a good + fellow. Whilst his homily in progress ground considerably + cleared. Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Bill put oft + till to-morrow; Kensington Subway Bill withdrawn; BAUMANN + triumphant. Still remained public business; OLD MORALITY led + off with proposal to take Tuesdays and Fridays for morning + sittings and Opposition mustered in great force; Mr. G. + present, glowing with his own eulogy on ARTEMIS. OLD MORALITY + moved Resolution with deprecatory deferential manner; only + desire was to do his duty to QUEEN and Country and meet the + convenience of Honourable Gentlemen sitting in whatever part of + the House they might find themselves. Evidently expected + outburst of indignant refusal, long debate, and a big division. + Some indignation, but little debate and no division. Everyone + on Opposition Benches seemed to expect some one else to declare + himself irreconcilable. When question put, a pause; no one rose + to continue the successive brief speeches; before you could say + JAMES FERGUSON, Government had, on this 16th of March, + practically secured all working time for remainder of + Session.</p> + + <p>"I feel like CLIVE," said OLD MORALITY; "or was it WARREN + HASTINGS? Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/155-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/155-2.png" + alt="THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS." /></a> + + <h4>THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS.</h4> + </div> + + <p><i>Business done</i>,—Morning Sittings arranged for + rest of Session.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—"Lords" and Commons came in conflict + to-day under novel circumstances. Lord TANNEL-CHUNNEL, pending + settlement of question about making his Channel Tunnel, is + promoting new trunk line of railway. Means to bring the + Manchester, Sheffield and Lincoln line straight into London; + terminus comes in by Lord's Cricket Ground; invades the sweet + simplicity of St. John's Wood; artistic population of that + quarter up in arms; shriek protest in Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL's + ear, and shake at him the angry fist. But TANNEL-CHUNNEL not a + Baron easily turned aside from accomplishment of his projects. + Squares Committee of "Lords"; impresses into support of his + scheme representatives of all the big towns on the route; + Manchester, Nottingham, Leicester, all cheer him on; Liberals, + Conservatives, Dissentient Liberals, swell his majority. Second + Reading of Bill carried by more than two to one.</p> + + <p>"How's that, Umpire?" CHUNNEL-TANNEL asked, carrying out his + bat. "Well played, indeed!" said the SPEAKER.</p> + + <p>Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore would + stain the floor of House. BARNES and WIGGINS were in it, but + what it was all about not quite clear. Something to do with a + coal-truck. As far as could be made out from choked utterances + of BARNES, there had at some remote period been a coal-truck + despatched to London by the Midland route. Something happened + to it; either it was delayed, or it arrived empty, or it didn't + arrive at all. However, it was quite clear to BARNES that the + time had come when a new line of railway giving direct access + to London from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. WIGGINS + observed to be wriggling in his seat during the BARNES oration. + Made several attempts to catch SPEAKER's eye; at length + succeeded; his suppressed fury was terrible to behold: his rage + Titanic. He at least knew all about that coal-truck; though, as + far as House was concerned, he did not succeed in lifting the + mystery in which BARNES had enveloped it. Whether it was + WIGGINS's coal, or merely WIGGINS's truck; whether WIGGINS + happened to be in the truck when it went astray; or whether it + was BARNES that was in it; or whether nothing was in it but the + coal; or whether, coming back to an earlier point, there was + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" + id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> no coal in the truck when + it did (or did not) arrive at St. Pancras: these were + questions the House vainly pursued, withered, as it was, + under the wrath of WIGGINS The only point clearly perceived + was, that BIGGINS is a director of Midland Railway.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/156-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/156-1.png" + alt="'About that Coal Truck?'" /></a>"About that Coal + Truck?" + </div> + + <p>In ordinary circumstances there are not to be found in House + two more affable men than BARNES and WIGGINS. Amongst many + other virtues, WIGGINS is, SARK tells me, one of the best + judges of cigars in House, and is never without a sample in his + case. It is sad to think that a man so gifted by nature, so + favoured by fortune, should let his angry passions rise round a + coal-truck. House, contemplating the episode, glad to shut it + out by rushing off to Division Lobby. <i>Business + done</i>.—Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway + Bill, Read a Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—House engaged in considering Lords' + Amendments to Tithes Bill. Things as dull as usual; House + nearly empty; walk about corridors through tea-room, + newspaper-room, and library; almost deserted; in smoking-room + came upon little group playing cards; three of them; + SOLICITOR-GENERAL, CHABLES RUSSELL, and ASQUITH, LOCKWOOD + looking on.</p> + + <p>"I suppose," I said, "they're playing whist; why don't you + make up the hand?"</p> + + <p>"Whisht! it's not whist!" LOCKWOOD whispered, keeping his + eye closely fixed on game. "It's Baccarat. (Ah! CLARKE! I saw + you. Come, pay up. You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby + Court case you know. I'm not in it, but my learned brethren + here hold briefs on either side, and they say they are bound, + in the interests of their clients, to master the intricacies of + the game. I must say they have managed very successfully to + subordinate their horror of gambling. RUSSELL, you know, has a + positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says, a + Barrister must sometimes put his prejudices in his pocket. + ASQUITH brings to the game a serious aspect that positively + sanctifies it. As for EDWARD CLARKE, he's wonderfully nimble. + He was trying <i>la poucette</i> just now when I called out to + him. As everything turns upon this, my learned friends say they + must make themselves acquainted with it. But I hope it won't + lead to any breaking up of families. I'm told the Judges who + are likely to be trying cases in London before Whitsuntide, + impelled by a similar sense of duty, are also studying + Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have developed a wonderful + talent. As a family man, and Recorder of Sheffield, I'm glad + I'm not briefed in the case."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/156-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/156-2.png" + alt="'Young Harry.'" /></a>"Young Harry." + </div> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Tithes Bill.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Young HARRY LAWSON, with his beaver up, + moved Resolution approving the opening for certain hours, and + under special regulations, of the National Museums and + Galleries, closed in London to the public on Sundays, made + capital and convincing speech; supported by men like JOHN + LUBBOCK, and, from Conservative side, MAYNE and ELCHO. Earlier + in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel, Hoxton, Shoreditch, and + Bethnal Green, had been heard by petition, praying for the + boon. But dear old ROBERT FOWLER knows better what is good for + the people. Opposed Motion. OLD MORALITY, who never goes into + his picture gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Saturday, + whipped up Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against + 39.</p> + + <p>Mr. BUNG, who had been watching Debate from Distinguished + Strangers' Gallery, hugely delighted. "S'elp me," he said, + "that'll stop their little game for this Parliament, at least. + What do they mean hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go + opening your bloomin' mooseums and picter galleries on Sunday + afternoons, <i>what's to become of ME?</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Mr. BUNG's; and very + effectively, too.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Flat, Stale, and Unprofitable."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HAMPDEN, farewell! Ere this you may have found</p> + + <p>The World you swore was flat is really round.</p> + + <p>But many a man, with brains beneath his hat.</p> + + <p>Swears that the World is round, and finds it + flat.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>March 21. Oxford won by half a length.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Great ZEUS! was ever such a race since 1829,</p> + + <p>When WORDSWORTH, SELWYN, MERIVALE began the mighty + line,</p> + + <p>First of the stalwart heroes who matched their + straining thews,</p> + + <p>And on great Thames's tide have fought the battle of + the Blues?</p> + + <p>Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his + pen:</p> + + <p>Still is there pluck in England, and still her sons + are Men.</p> + + <p>And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, + or rain,</p> + + <p>With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and + spurt again.</p> + + <p>A health to you, brave AMPTHILL; the cheering echoes + far;</p> + + <p>For FLEICHER and the NICKALLS' lads—<i>nobile + fratrum par</i>.</p> + + <p>A shout goes up for WILKINSON, the stalwart and the + strong,</p> + + <p>For REGGIE ROWE, and dauntless KENT, who kept the + stroke so long.</p> + + <p>For POOLE, the tidy bowman, and HEYWOOD-LONSDALE + too;</p> + + <p>Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant + Oxford Crew.</p> + + <p>Nor,—though the years speed onward, and others + wield the oar,</p> + + <p>Though others race and win or lose where we have + raced before;</p> + + <p>Though others, while we watch the sport, should play + as we have played,</p> + + <p>And scorn us prosy greybeards—shall ELIN's + glory fade?</p> + + <p>NOBLE, and LORD, and FRANCKLYN, they each shall have + their cheer,</p> + + <p>And BRADDON, small, but quick of eye, who craftily + did steer,</p> + + <p>And ROWLATT, and FOGG-ELLIOTT, and LANDALE, of the + Hall,</p> + + <p>And FISON, sturdy Corpus man—we cheer and + praise them all.</p> + + <p><i>Punch</i> loves all sturdy men and true, by whom + great deeds are done,</p> + + <p>And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews + of '91.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEGAL MAXIMS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern + Manners and Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of + Appeal</i>.)</h4> + + <p><i>Common Law</i>.—"The tradition of ages shall + prevail," save when it runs counter to the opinions of a + leader-writer of a daily paper.</p> + + <p><i>Equity</i>.—(1). "No right shall be without a + remedy," save when it is sentimentally suggested that + somebody's right may be somebody else's wrong.</p> + + <p>(2.) "Equity follows the law," at such a distance that it + never comes up with it.</p> + + <p>(3.) "Equity is equality," save when a man's wife is + literally his better half.</p> + + <p>(4.) "Where there is equal equity the law must prevail," in + any view it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord + Chancellor for the time being.</p> + + <p>(5.) "Where the equities are equal the law prevails," in any + course it likes to pursue.</p> + + <p>(6.) "Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be + done," especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the + suitor ultimately finds himself sold.</p> + + <p><i>Contracts</i>.—(1.) "All contracts are construed + according to the intentions of the parties," save where one of + them subsequently changes his mind.</p> + + <p>(2.) "The construction should be liberal" enough to suit the + fancy of the Judge who enforces it.</p> + + <p>(3.) "It should be favourable" to a long and angry + correspondence in all the principal newspapers.</p> + + <p>(4) "The contract should in general be construed according + to the law of the country where made," but certainly not in + particular.</p> + + <p>(5.) "That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to + explain a written contract," save when someone suggests that + this practice shall be reversed.</p> + + <p>(6.) "He who employs an agent does it himself," unless it is + considered advisable to take an opposite view of the + matter.</p> + + <p><i>Parent and Child</i>.—"A father shall have the + custody of his children," except when they get beyond his + control and defy his authority.</p> + + <p><i>Landlord and Tenant</i>.—"A landlord has a right to + receive his rent," if the tenant does not spend the money on + something else.</p> + + <p><i>Husband and Wife</i>.—"A man has a right to the + society of his wife." when she does not prefer to give her + company elsewhere.</p> + + <p><i>Birthright of an Englishman. (Popular traditionally but + strictly speaking supplementary</i>.)—"An Englishman's + house is his castle," but only the <i>pied à terre</i> of the + lawfully wedded sharer of his income.</p> + + <p class="author">OLD FATHER ANTIC.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—CLIMATE OF THE BRITISH ISLES.—As + the Gulf Stream produces such an effect on the English climate, + would it not be feasible to add to the heat of the water in + some way—say, by erecting powerful furnaces somewhere on + the south coast of Florida, or by turning the lava from a + volcano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into the sea? I am not + a man of science, but I should be glad to hear your opinion of + the scheme.—SUFFERER FROM COLD.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13281 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13281-h/images/145.png b/13281-h/images/145.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..674a9d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/145.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/146.png b/13281-h/images/146.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3760c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/146.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/147.png b/13281-h/images/147.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fb6cd5c --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/147.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/148.png b/13281-h/images/148.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a1af09 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/148.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/149-1.png b/13281-h/images/149-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fdce6e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/149-1.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/149-2.png b/13281-h/images/149-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee7c7fa --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/149-2.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/150.png b/13281-h/images/150.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6550ac8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/150.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/151.png b/13281-h/images/151.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1033601 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/151.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/153.png b/13281-h/images/153.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c92e705 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/153.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/154.png b/13281-h/images/154.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f40b37f --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/154.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/155-1.png b/13281-h/images/155-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db56318 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/155-1.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/155-2.png b/13281-h/images/155-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd753a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/155-2.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/156-1.png b/13281-h/images/156-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fd407e --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/156-1.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/156-2.png b/13281-h/images/156-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2faec60 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/156-2.png diff --git a/13281-h/images/156-3.png b/13281-h/images/156-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e9d540c --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-h/images/156-3.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..33d80dd --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #13281 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13281) diff --git a/old/13281-8.txt b/old/13281-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e3fca8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13281-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1687 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, +March 28, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, March 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 25, 2004 [EBook #13281] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 28, 1891. + + + + +THE G.P.O. CUCKOO. + +[Illustration] + + It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray, + And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array; + To North and South the message went, to W. and E., + And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C.; + From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes. + As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for RAIKES. + + "Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng, + "Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long; + Yet since you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet employs, + We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of hoys. + Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes, + Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine RAIKES. + + "What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach the Public sense, + Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence. + Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss. + They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us. + And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes. + They have sown, but we shall reap it--'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES." + + * * * * * + + But _Punch_ was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red, + Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook his ancient head, + "RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to scorn + Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn. + Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes + Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to RAIKES. + + "You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees + That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees. + But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing + To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its sting: + And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes + A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman RAIKES!" + + * * * * * + +SOUND AND SAFE.--We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to be the new +Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry, "Who's +GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe Man." Good omen for +the Shaftesbury. + + * * * * * + +BAR BARRED! + + SCENE--_A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting + at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with + plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge + plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. Thomas's + Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under + consideration. Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under + examination_. + +_Junior Counsel_ (_for Promoters_). You have told us that there is a +cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan--in your opinion +do you think that the road passing; by Hoggsborough, coloured green, +could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge +over the River Crowe, coloured yellow? + +_Expert Witness_ (_with great deliberation, and illustrating his +remarks by references to a large plan_). In my opinion I think the +necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided +by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that +would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and +ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the +course of the Raisensworth, coloured black. + +_Junior Counsel_. Thank you--that will do. [_Sits down._ + +_First Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_suddenly entering from another +Committee Room, looking for his Junior--aside_). Where on earth have +we got to? + +_Chairman of Committee_. Is this witness cross-examined? + +_First C.-E. Q.C._ Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is +necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan? + +_Expert Witness_. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is +skirted, &c., &c. [_Repeats the answer he has already given._ + +_Second Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his learned +brother sits down_). One moment, please. Now you say that it is +absolutely necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, +by a bridge? + +_Expert Witness_. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler +Estate, &c., &c. [_Repeats his answer for the third time._ + +_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes +his seat_). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you +_their_ questions, I have to ask you _mine_. Be kind enough to say, +for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members +of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction +of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood +of--(_consulting plan_)--Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the +plan, and, as you will see, runs through the--(_inspects plan +closely_)--Swashbuckler Estate--yes, the Swashbuckler Estate--and +comes, as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near +Twaddlecomb--having now sufficiently indicated the locality, I +repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in your opinion, the +necessity of building a bridge over the River Raven--(_is prompted by +Junior_)--I should say, over the River Crowe--could be avoided? + +_Chairman of Committee_ (_interposing_). I would suggest that, as +this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused +further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the +examination-in-chief. + +_First C.-E. Q.C._ (_warmly_). I consider this an infringement of the +privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it +is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may +only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we +represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very +seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a +learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasionally +wanted elsewhere. + +_Second C.-E. Q.C._ (_indignantly_). Yes; and how can we attend to our +Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at once? + +_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_furiously_). You have no right to act upon an +old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation would ruin +us--and many of us have wives and children! + + [_Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave + imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary, N.B.--Up to + date the Tower is untenanted._ + + * * * * * + +"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW--PHOTOGRAPHS!"--MR. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., +having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street +Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, "to +enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished +legal gentlemen," regrets to say that, as he has already sat for +another Firm making the same request (see _Papers from Pump-handle +Court_), he is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, +he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded +to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he +"possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his +connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., +wishes the industrious Firm every success in their public-spirited +undertaking. + + * * * * * + +GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN. + +(A LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.) + +[Illustration: "WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!"] + + "Were I to go further into detail, I should show you that the + floodgates of (financial) abuse have been opened even to a + much larger extent than I have described. We are getting into + a system under which Parliament is treated, and the country is + treated, to the exhibition of fictitious surpluses of revenue + over expenditure."--_Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. + Goschen's Finance._ + + I. + + The backwater was snug and fair, + And the gay Canoeist cavorted there. + Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere + A reputation for pluck and stay!" + Amidst the reeds the river ran; + Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan, + And loudly did lament + The better deeds of a better day; + Ever the gray Canoeist went on, + Making his memos. as he went. + + II. + + "My foes are piqued, I must suppose, + But cannot see their way to a 'Cry.'" + (So mused the man with the Semite nose, + As up the backwater he swept.) + "What I like" (said he) "in this nook so shy, + Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow, + Squaring accounts at my own sweet will. + With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill! + The Swan's as quiet as though he slept. + I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow!" + + III. + + The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole, + Snorting with furious joy. + Hidden by rushes he yet drew near, + Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear + Those snortings fell, both full and clear. + Floating about the backwater shy, + Stronger and stronger the shindy stole, + Filling the startled Canoeist with fear; + And the jubilant jobating voice, + With menaces meaning and manifold, + Flowed forth on a "snorter" clear and bold + (As when a party-procession rejoice + With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of gold), + Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold, + And over his paddle he crouched and rolled; + And he wished himself from that nook afar + (If it were but reading the evening star): + And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed, + And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed, + He walloped into that paddler gay + (Bent on enjoying his holiday). + He smote him here, and he spanked him there, + Upset his "balance," rumpled his hair. + "I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding pinions, + "To come intruding in _my_ dominions!" + And the frightened flags, and the startled reeds, + And the willow-branches hoar and dank, + And the shaking rushes and wobbling weeds, + And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank, + And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng + (Who yelled at seeing him going so strong) + Were flooded and fluttered by that Stentor song! + + * * * * * + +THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET.--"_Floreat Etona!_" by all means, +and may "HENRY's holy shade" never be less! But doesn't it seem rather +like a contradiction in terms, for Old Etonians to sit down to an +Eaten Dinner?--Yours, once removed, + +A SIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORM! + +"GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT A SWELL! WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT? WEDDING +BREAKFAST?" + +"OH NO; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. _MUST_ BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN +I GO TO SEE _HIM_. HE'S SO BEASTLY CRITICAL!"] + + * * * * * + +ABOUT THE COURT. + +At the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the illustrated +House Programme, is "Licensed by the London County Council to the +Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN WOOD and Mr. A. CHUDLEIGH,"--is the LORD +CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this quarter? (how can there be a Court +without a Lord Chamberlain?), and, "under which king, Bezonian?" Was +it in the days of _The Happy Land?_--but no matter. To resume. At the +aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed an original Farce, +in Three Acts, written by Mr. R.R. LUMLEY. Ah! Ah! LUMLEY, this +isn't quite up to your other piece, _Aunt Jack._ Mrs. JOHN WOOD +is invaluable, and keeps the game alive throughout; while ARTHUR +CECIL's _Duke of Donoway_--not a Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical +circumstances--is excellent. WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, but in +make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems mixed up with +one or two others that he has played, and is very far from being in +the same category with _Aunt Jack's_ crushed Solicitor. BRANDON THOMAS +as _Captain Roland Gurney, R.N._, is very natural. _The Office Boy_ +of Master WILSON and the little _Gridd_ of Master WESTGATE (very near +Birchington when the boy is in Mrs. WOOD's hands), are capital. Miss +CARLOTTA LECLERCQ's _Duchess_ is equal to the occasion. The two girls' +parts are unnatural and uninteresting. What ought to make the success +of the piece is the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing +"_The Wolf_," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends +in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if this +situation had been so contrived,--as it might have been, allow me +to say,--as to end the Act, the Curtain falling on the climax, the +dashing down of the enraged musician's song and the exit of the +Duke, the run of _The Volcano_ would have been insured from now to +Christmas. Is it too late to retrieve this? To quote the title of +one of ANTHONY TROLLOPE's novels, "I say No!" There is so much that +is genuinely funny in the piece, that if the alteration is done +with a will, _hic et nunc_, why within a week the piece could be +fixed securely in its place for the London season, and beyond it. +Let funny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and come out as +the flaxen-headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And a word in his +ear,--SOTHERN fashioned _Lord Dundreary_ out of a worse part than +this. _The Volcano_ shouldn't "bust up." That's my opinion, as + +A FRIEND AT COURT. + + * * * * * + +A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM. + +From the _Queen_. A Correspondent writes:-- + +"JOURNALISM.--I want to become a Dramatic Critic; how should I begin? +I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember +the plot of the play afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors +prefer?--_Histrionica_." + +Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing School for +Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for Critics? The Master +would take his pupils to the Theatre regularly, and could lecture on +the Play as it proceeded. Should Managers and Actors be so blind to +the best interests of their Art as to refuse to allow the play to be +stopped from time to time to allow of the Instructor's remarks, then +he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his pupils +into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, where he could give +his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a Scene or an Act every +night,--and if they paid for their places (a reduction being made +for a quantity), the particular drama they patronised would be +considerably benefited by this plan. + +There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these critical +scholars--say Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate gown, and portable +mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. There might be a row +reserved for them at the back of the Dress Circle, and twenty-five +per cent. reduction on tickets for a series. The M.C., or Master of +Critics, would take a fee for a course from each pupil. Fee to include +seat at theatre, instruction, _and supper afterwards_. + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE,--"Hallo!" +being the recognised telephonic summons in use between companies +and individuals of all nationalities, may be already considered as +"Hallo'd by a variety of associations." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. I.--ROSMERSHÖLM (CONCLUDED.) + +ACT III. + + _Sitting-room at Rosmershölm. Sun shining outside in the + Garden. Inside REBECCA WEST is watering a geranium with + a small watering-pot. Her crochet antimacassar lies in + the arm-chair. Madam HELSETH is rubbing the chairs with + furniture-polish from a large bottle. Enter ROSMER, with his + hat and stick in his hand. Madam HELSETH corks the bottle + and goes out to the right._ + +_Rebecca_. Good morning, dear. (_A moment after--crocheting._) Have +you seen Rector KROLL's paper this morning? There's something about +_you_ in it. + +_Rosmer_. Oh, indeed? (_Puts down hat and stick, and takes up paper._) +H'm! (_Reads--then walks about the room._) KROLL _has_ made it hot for +me. (_Reads some more._) Oh, this is _too_ bad! REBECCA, they _do_ say +such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a renegade--and I +can't _think_ why! They _mustn't_ go on like this. All that is good in +human nature will go to ruin if they're allowed to attack an excellent +man like me! Only think, if I can make them see how unkind they have +been! + +_Reb._ Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious object to +attain--and I wish you may get it! + +_Rosmer_. Thanks. I think I shall. (_Happens to look through window, +and jumps._) Ah, no, I shan't--never now. I have just seen-- + +[Illustration] + +_Reb._ _Not_ the White Horse, dear? We must really not overdo that +White Horse! + +_Rosmer_. No--the mill-race, where BEATA--(_Puts on his hat--takes it +off again._) I'm beginning to be haunted by--no, I _don't_ mean the +horse--by a terrible suspicion that BEATA may have been right after +all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of it, that I must really +have been in love with you from the first. Tell me _your_ opinion. + +_Reb._ (_struggling with herself, and still crocheting._) Oh--I can't +exactly say--such an odd question to ask me! + +_Rosmer_ (_shakes his head_). Perhaps; I have no sense of humour--no +respectable Norwegian _has_--and I _do_ want to know--because, you +see, if I _was_ in love with you, it was a _sin_, and if I once +convinced myself of that-- + + [_Wanders across the room._ + +_Reb._ (_breaking out_). Oh, these old ancestral prejudices! Here is +your hat, and your stick, too; go and take a walk. + + [ROSMER takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and takes + a walk; presently Madam HELSETH appears, and tells REBECCA + something. REBECCA tells _her_ something. They whisper + together. Madam H. nods, and shows in Rector KROLL, who + keeps his hat in his hand, and sits on a chair._ + +_Kroll_. I merely called for the purpose of informing you that I +consider you an artful and designing person, but that, on the whole, +considering your birth and moral antecedents, you know--(_nods at +her_)--it is not surprising. (_REBECCA walks about, wringing her +hands_) Why, what _is_ the matter? Did you really not know that you +had no right to your father's name? I'd no _idea_ you would mind my +mentioning such a trifle! + +_Reb._ (_breaking out_). I _do_ mind. I am an emancipated enigma, +but I retain a few little prejudices still. I _don't_ like owning +to my real age, and I _do_ prefer to be legitimate. And, after your +information--of which I was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late +Mrs. GAMVIK, never _once_ alluded to it--I feel I must confess +everything. Strong-minded advanced women are like that. Here is +ROSMER. (ROSMER _enters with his hat and stick._) ROSMER, I want to +tell you and Rector KROLL a little story. Let us sit down, dear, +all three of us. (_They sit down, mechanically, on chairs._) A long +time ago, before the play began--(_in a voice scarcely audible_)--in +Ibsenite dramas, all the interesting things somehow _do_ happen before +the play begins-- + +_Rosmer_. But, REBECCA, I _know_ all this. KROLL--(_looks hard at +her_). Perhaps I had better go? + +_Reb._ No--I will be short--this was it. I wanted to take my share +in the life of the New Era, and march onward with ROSMER. There +was one dismal, insurmountable barrier--(_to ROSMER, who nods +gravely_)--BEATA! I understood where your deliverance lay--and I +acted. _I_ drove BEATA into the mill-race ... There! + +_Rosmer_ (_after a short silence_). H'm! Well, KROLL--(_takes up his +hat_)--if you're thinking of walking home, I'll go too. I'm going to +be orthodox once more--after _this_! + +_Kroll_ (_severely and impressively, to_ REB.). A nice sort of young +woman _you_ are! [_Both go out hastily, without looking at REB._ + +_Reb._ (_speaks to herself, under her breath_). Now I _have_ done it. +I wonder _why_. (_Pulls bell-rope._) Madam HELSETH, I have just had a +glimpse of two rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-trunk. + + [_Enter Madam H., with large hair-trunk, as Curtain falls._ + +ACT IV. + + _Late evening. REBECCA WEST stands by a lighted lamp, with a + shade over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in a reticule, with a + faint smile. The antimacassar is on the sofa. Enter ROSMER._ + +_Rosmer_ (_seeing the sandwiches, &c._). Sandwiches? Then you _are_ +going I Why, on earth,--I _can't_ understand! + +_Reb._ Dear, you never _can_. Rosmershölm is too much for me. But how +did you get on with KROLL? + +_Rosmer_. We have made it up. He has convinced me that the work of +ennobling men was several sizes too large for me--so I am going to let +it alone-- + +_Reb._ (_with her faint smile_). There I almost think, dear, that you +are wise. + +_Rosmer_ (_as if annoyed_). What, so _you_ don't believe in me either, +REBECCA--you never _did! [Sits listlessly on chair._ + +_Reb._ Not much, dear, when you are left to yourself--but I've another +confession to make. + +_Rosmer_. What, _another_? I really can't stand any more confessions +just now! + +_Reb._ (_sitting close to him_). It is only a little one. I bullied +BEATA into the mill-race--because of a wild uncontrollable-- (_ROSMER +moves uneasily._) Sit still, dear--uncontrollable fancy--for _you_! + +_Rosmer_ (_goes and sits on sofa_). Oh, my goodness, REBECCA--you +_mustn't_, you know! + + [_He jumps up and down as if embarrassed._ + +_Reb._ Don't be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. After living alone +with you in solitude, when you showed me all your thoughts without +reserve,--little by little, somehow the fancy passed off. I caught +the ROSMER view of life badly, and dulness descended on my soul as an +extinguisher upon one of our Northern dips. The ROSMER view of life is +ennobling, very--but hardly lively. And I've more yet to tell you. + +_Rosmer_ (_turning it off_). Isn't that enough for one evening P + +_Reb._ (_almost voiceless_). No, dear. I have a Past--_behind_ me! + +_Rosmer_. _Behind_ you? How strange. I had an idea of that sort +already. (_Starts, as if in fear._) A joke! (_Sadly._) Ah, no--_no_, +I must not give way to _that_! Never mind the Past, REBECCA; I +once thought that I had made the grand discovery that, if one is +only virtuous, one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too +original--an immature dream. What bothers me is that I can't--somehow +I _can't_--believe entirely in you--I am not even sure that I _have_ +ennobled you so very much--_isn't_ it terrible? + +_Reb._ (_wringing her hands_). Oh, this killing doubt! (_Looks darkly +at him._) Is there anything _I_ can do to convince you? + +_Rosmer_ (_as if impelled to speak against his will_). Yes, one +thing--only I'm afraid you wouldn't see it in the same light. And +yet I must mention it. It is like this. I want to recover faith in +my mission, in my power to ennoble human souls. And, as a logical +thinker, this I cannot do now, unless--well, unless you jump into the +mill-race, too, like BEATA! + +_Reb._ (_takes up her antimacassar, with composure, and puts it on her +head_). Anything to oblige you. + +_Rosmer_ (_springs up_). What? You really _will_! You are _sure_ you +don't mind? Then, REBECCA, I will go further. I will even go--yes--as +far as you go yourself! + +_Reb._ (_bows her head towards his breast_). You will see me off? +Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite. + + [_Smiles almost imperceptibly._ + +_Rosmer_ (_cautiously_). I said as far as _you_ go. I don't commit +myself further than that. Shall we go? + +_Reb._ First tell me this. Are _you_ going with _me_, or am _I_ going +with _you_? + +_Rosmer_. A subtle psychological point--but we have not time to think +it out here. We will discuss it as we go along. Come! + + [_ROSMER takes his hat and stick, REBECCA her reticule, with + sandwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through the door, which + they leave open. The room (as is not uncommon with rooms in + Norway) is left empty. Then Madam HELSETH enters through + another door._ + +_Madam H._ The cab, Miss--not here! (_Looks out._) Out together--at +this time of night--upon my--_not_ on the garden-seat? (_Looks out of +window._) My goodness! _what_ is that white thing on the bridge--the +_Horse_ at last! (_Shrieks aloud._) And those two sinful creatures +running home! + + _Enter ROSMER and REBECCA, _out of breath._ + +_Rosmer_ (_scarcely able to get the words out_). It's no use, +REBECCA--we must put it off till another evening. We can't be expected +to jump off a footbridge which already has a White Horse on it. And, +if it comes to that, why should we jump at all? I know now that I +really _have_ ennobled you, which was all _I_ wanted. What would +be the good of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a +mill-pond? No, REBECCA--(_lays his hand on her head_)--there is no +judge over us, and therefore-- + +_Reb._ (_interrupting gravely_). We will bind ourselves over in our +own recognisances to come up for judgment when called upon. + + [_Madam HELSETH holds on to a chair-back, REBECCA finishes + the antimacassar calmly as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +A GRAND OLD WETTERUN! + +I ain't bin werry well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was cort in +the Lizzard, I think, as they called it, on that awful Munday nite, +and that was pretty nearly a settler for both my old bones and my +breth, and might ha' bin quite so, if one of the werry kindest Members +of the old Copperashun as I nos on, who had bin a dining with a +jolly party on 'em, hadn't kindly directed my notise to about a harf +bottle-full of werry fine old Port, with the remarkabel kind words, +"That's just about what you wants, Mr. ROBERT, to take you ome safely +this most orful nite!" And so it were, and I didn't waste a single +drop on it. + +[Illustration: The "Tipper's" Strike.] + +However, I was obligated to have a good long rest, which I took out +mostly in sleep; but, jest as I was preparing to set out for the +"Grand Hotel," in comes my Son; and he says to me, "Guvnor," says +he--I notise as he allers calls me Guvnor when he wants me to do +sumthink--"I wants you to do me the favour to ask _Mr. Punch_ for +to do you a favour." "Why, what do you mean?" says I. "Why, this is +what I means," says he. "About the grandest feller as ewer in the +hole world gave up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make +hundreds of stupid boys into clever boys, and hundreds of bad boys +into good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a going +for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them hundreds of boys, +me among 'em, to sellybrate his Jewbilly, same as the QUEEN had the +other day. Ewery one of us as lives in London will jump at the chance; +but the boys as he turns out from the great City of Lundon Skool is +such reel fust-raters, that they gits snapped up direckly by Merchants +and peeple, and sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious +buzzinesses there, so we don't know how to get at 'em; but as _Mr. +Punch_ goes wherever any smart, clever English chap goes, if he wood +most kindly let this littel matter be mentioned, the grandest, and +sucksessfullest, ay, and wittiest Skool Master of modern times wood +get his dew reward." + +So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and this is +what I can add to them from my own knowlidg. There's sum of the old +boys, as isn't quite as yung as when they left Skool, as has formed a +club to dine together sumtimes, and tork of old times, like senserbel +fellers as they is; and Mr. JOSEPH HARRIS, the gennelman in question, +is allers there, and allers has to make a speech, and I am amost +allers there too; and, to hear the joyful shouts of arty welcome with +which his old pupils greets him when he rises for to speak, and their +roars of larfter at his wit, and his fun, and his good-humer, while he +is a speaking, is so wery remarkabel, that I sumtimes wanders whether +it doesn't, a good deal of it, rise from the fact of his great School +being so close to _Mr. Punch's_ own horfice. But this is over the way, +as the great writer says. May I be alowd to had that my speshal frend, +and hewerybody's speshal frend, Mr. COOKE, is reddy to receive any +number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A NEW PROVIDENCE.--"My life is in your hands," as the Autobiographist +said to his Publisher. + + * * * * * + +THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN. + +(_LATEST VERSION; SUGGESTED BY A CASE AT THE LONDON SESSIONS._) + + And did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman, + Who on the river his wherry did ply? + When rowing along with great skill and dexterity, + A Cask of Madeira it caught his pleased eye. + It looked so nice, he rowed up steadily, + Transferred that cask to his boat right readily; + And he eyed the dear drink with so eager an air, + For the name on the cask not a jot did he care. + + When smart EDDARD SAILL got that cask in his wherry, + He cleaned it out--partly--with swiggings not small, + And with his companions--what wonder?--made merry; + Madeira's a wine that's not tippled by all. + One fancies one hears 'em a laughing and cheering, + Says EDDARD, "My boys, this is better than beering! + A Waterman's life would be free from all care + If he often dropped on treasure trove like that there." + + And yet but to think now how strangely things happen! + They copped him for "larceny by finding,"--that's all! + But SAILL couldn't read, and the jury was kindly, + So EDDARD got off, though his chance appeared small. + Now would this young Waterman keep out of sorrow, + No derelict casks let him--shall we say, borrow? + Madeira is nice, but you'd best have a care, + Before swigging the wine, that it's yours fair and square! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Childhood and Youth of Dickens_, a sort of short postscript to +FORSTER's Life, very well got up by its publishers HUTCHINSON & Co., +will interest those who for the third or fourth time are going through +a course of DICKENS. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The best +pocket-book _must_ contain a calendar-diary, and as little printed +matter, and as much space for notes, as possible. No pocket-book +is perfect without some sort of patent pencil, of which the +writing-metal, when used on a damp surface, will serve as well as do +pen and ink on ordinary paper. Such a pocket-book with such a pencil +the Baron has long had in use, the product of JOHN WALKER & Co., of +Farringdon House. It should be called _The Walker Pocket-book, or +Pedestrian's Companion_; for, as "He who runs may read," so, with +this handy combination, "He who walks may write." The Baron is led to +mention this _à propos_ of a novelty by T.J. SMITH AND DOWNES, called +_The Self-registering Pocket Note-book_, a very neat invention, _quâ_ +Note-book only, but of which only one size has the invaluable patent +pencil. The ordinary pencil entails carrying a knife, and, though +this is good for the cutler--"I know that man, he comes from +Sheffield"--yet it is a defect which is a constant source of worry +to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, Messrs. SMITH AND DOWNES' +artfulness in making the pencil serve as a marker, so that the latest +note can at once be found, is decidedly ingenious, and may probably be +found most useful. _Experientia docet: Baronius tentabit._ + +While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank Messrs. +CASSELL & Co. for the pocket volumes of the _National Library_ edited +by HENRY MORLEY, and ventures to recommend as a real travelling +companion, _Essays, Civil and Moral, by Francis Bacon_. In the +eighteenth Essay "Of Travel," the chief Diarists, "LETTS AND SON," +might find a motto for _their_ publications. The Baron directs their +attention to this side of BACON from which this is a slice,--"_Let +Diaries, therefore, be brought in use_." A new reading for advertising +purposes would change "Let" into "Letts," or Letts could be +interpolated in brackets. "A cheeky way of treating BACON," says the +Baron's friend little FUNNIMAN (Author of _Funniman's Poor Jokes_); +but, if nothing worse than this can be said against the Baron's +suggestion, why, "Letts adopt it," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING. + +(_The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist._) + +"WELL, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY, I'VE LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, AND THERE'S +ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO TO YOU THIS YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. + + "In the words of the Postmaster-General, spoken yesterday + (March 18th) from his room in St. Martin's-le-Grand, and + distinctly heard by the head of a corresponding department + in Paris, the triumph of the International Telephone is an + accomplished fact."--_Daily News_. + + _Hallo!--are you there_? That's the cue international, + Henceforth we'll hope, and we trust it may lead + To colloquies pleasant, relations more rational. + May "saucers" and tubes telephonic succeed + In setting the world "by the ears," in a fashion + Not meant by the men who invented that phrase. + May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion + Die out, like a craze! + + Why, bless us, and save us! We _ought_ to behave us + A little bit better for all our new light. + From incurable savagery nothing can save us + If Science can't cool down our fondness for fight. + With so many chances of "talking things over," + Like comrades in council, across the broad sea, + Nations ought to be nice, as a girl and her lover + At five o'clock tea! + + Eh? _Vox et præterea nihil_? What matter + How close ears may seem if the hearts are apart? + Humph! Nothing go easy as cynical chatter; + Distrust's diplomatic, and satire sounds "smart." + But, as RAIKES suggests, there _is_ something in hearing + The "great human voice" o'er some three hundred miles, + In spite of the scorn that's so given to sneering, + The hate that reviles. + + One wonders what TALLEYRAND, subtle old schemer! + Would think of the Telephone were _he_ alive. + Wits sniff at the _savant_, and mock at the dreamer, + Who else, though, so hard for humanity strive? + BELLONA's sworn backers are woefully numerous; + Peace, let us pray, may claim this as _her_ friend; + The "Sentiment" flouted by swashbucklers humorous + Sways, at the end. + + If language was given our thoughts for concealing, + The Telephone--'tis but a travelling Voice!-- + Need not be the agent of reckless revealing, + And caution must often be candour's wise choice. + Unwisdom is sure to be sometimes caught napping, + And tongues may wag foolishly e'en through the wire. + Facilities freer for summary snapping + No sage can desire. + + Great diplomats, proud of their "able dispatches," + From trusting the tube with their wisdom may shrink. + The brain that in secret shrewd policies hatches, + May not care to canvas 'cute schemes "o'er a drink." + Yet times must be many when sense will be winner + By chatting of trifles, which nations have riled, + As freely as though _vis-à-vis_ at a dinner, + And carefully "tiled." + + Now England and France can thus gossip together, + And CARNOT and SALISBURY thus hob-a-nob, + We'll hope for set-fair international weather. + Our RAIKES and their ROCHE appear well "on the job." + The Telephone's triumph at least is not sinister. + Things should go easier somehow--with care, + When patriot Minister greets patriot Minister, + "_Hallo!--are you there?_" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER TELEPHONIC SUGGESTION.--Connect the Theatres and Opera Houses +by Telephone with all the Clubs. On payment of a fixed charge, any +member should be able to hear just as much of the piece or Opera as he +might require. Something above the price of a Stall to be the maximum +charge for one person to hear entire Opera. For half the Opera, say +six shillings; for a quarter of it, three-and-six. For hearing one +song in it, eighteen-pence; and, if certain songs be in great demand, +the prices could be raised. + + * * * * * + +EPIGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF MOST PUBLIC BANQUETS WITH POSTPRANDIAL +ORATORY.--"Stuff and Nonsense." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. + +LORD SALISBURY. "HALLO!" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "HALLO!" + +LORD SALISBURY. "YOU THERE?" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "ALL THERE!" + +LORD SALISBURY. "CAN YOU SUGGEST AN _ENTRÉE_ FOR DINNER?" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "_HOMARD AU GRATIN_,--AND, BY THE WAY, HOW ABOUT +NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION?" + +LORD SALISBURY. "NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YOU!!!" + +[_Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, March 23rd._]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUFFERING ON THE "SILVER STREAK." + +THESE GENTLEMEN (AFTER A FEW HOURS' REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN +FAVOUR OF THE PROPOSED CHANNEL TUBULAR RAILWAY.] + + * * * * * + +HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK. + +(_NEW STYLE._) + + In healthier times, when friends would meet + Their friends in chamber, park, or street, + Each, as hereunder, each would greet. + + Tour level hand went forth; you clasped + Your crony's; each his comrade's grasped-- + If roughly, neither friend was rasped. + + Such was the good old-fashioned one + Of honest British "How d'ye do?" + I think it manly still--don't you? + + But _now_, when smug acquaintance hails + A set that would be "smart," but fails, + Another principle prevails. + + The arm, in lifted curve displayed, + Droops limply o'er the shoulder-blade, + As needing some chirurgeon's aid: + + The wrist is wrenched of JONES and BROWN, + Those ornaments of London Town; + Their listless fingers dribble down: + + BROWN reaches to the knuckle-bones + Of thus-excruciated JONES; + BROWN's hand the same affliction owns. + + At length his finger-tips have pressed + The fingers of his JONES distressed: + Both curvatures then sink to rest. + + A sort of anguish lisped proceeds + Prom either's mouth, but neither heeds + The other's half-heroic deeds. + + Exhausted, neither much can say; + Complacent, each pursues his way; + And JONES and BBOWN have lived to-day. + + For both have sought by strenuous strain + To demonstrate, in face of pain, + That friends they were, and friends remain. + + Ah, wonderful! Can Poets deem + Self-sacrifice a fading dream? + Are salutations what they seem? + + Is BROWN some Altruist in disguise, + And JONES an Ibsenite likewise, + That thus they flop and agonise?-- + + Or are the pair affected fools, + Who catch by rote the silly rules + Of third-rate fashionable schools? + + * * * * * + +COURT COLD! + +(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A CHAPERON._) + +They commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day's doings would +be a terrible ordeal, but she came of a bold and sturdy race, and +felt herself equal to any emergency. And so as the morning broke--as +daylight crept through the foggy air--she prepared for the sacrifice. +Yes, sacrifice; for was it not a sacrifice to barter away youth, +pride, nay, life itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me--but +away with vain regret! + +I have been told since that they were hours and hours arranging her +toilette. So long did it take that she was scarcely able to break +her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of tea, and if rumour is to be +credited, a couple of slices of thin bread-and-butter! Well, it is +over now, and I can think of it almost without tears! + +I called for her shortly after noon--for the lot had fallen upon me, +and I was destined to attend her to her doom--she was very calm, and +even smiled as I kissed her. She shivered a little as she sank beside +me. I bade her to wrap her shawl more closely around her, and after +she had complied with my command she seemed more at ease. + +And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were surrounded by +a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and mocking at us! My charge +clung to me for protection. The laughter and the jeers increased +tenfold. Then I cast her away from me roughly, whereupon followed +yells mixed with savage laughter. She, poor girl, regained her +composure, and gazed at the multitude with the dignity of an outraged +queen. And _they_ laughed the more! Laughed the more! + +At length we were set free, and made our way to a large apartment, +where we were divested of our wraps, and left in costumes better +adapted to late June than to early March, or mid-December. We were +then ordered to advance. We were driven from one bitterly cold room +to another, until we knew not whether the blood was circulating in +our veins, or had frozen. We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor +creatures pushed against us, and fought with us. The great object of +everyone was to get to the end of our journey! + +She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away the yards +of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out behind. Then her +name was uttered, or, rather, mispronounced. She sank on her knees; +and, on regaining her feet, was hustled away, to follow a number of +fellow-victims who had been treated with like indignity. + +Once more there was the bitter cold. This time the draughts were met +in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance arrived to move us +on--she to stand for a couple of hours amidst gossiping friends, and I +to go to bed. + +But the seeds of death were sown! She never recovered the shock, and +an addition to the inscriptions above the family-vault tells of her +early decease! + +And who was this poor girl? A homeless one, wandering the streets +of London? or a political prisoner, on her way to Siberia? Neither! +She was merely a _débutante_, attending her first (and last) Spring +Drawing-room at Buckingham Palace! + + * * * * * + +NOTE (_by Our Own Noodle_).--_Father Buonaparte_, at the Olympic, +judging from the account of it in the _Times_, seems to consist of +"a part" for our WILSON BARRETT, the remainder being skeletonish, or +"boney." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MATTHEWS AT HOME." (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD +ENTERTAINMENT.)] + + * * * * * + +RAIKES REX! + + Somebody once said that ultimately the Solar System would + probably become a branch of the General Post Office. The + present Postmaster-General is obviously of opinion that that + state of things has already come about. + + To rule a realm as limitless as space, + With the great G.P.O. as Central Sun, + RAIKES is the man. Of Great Panjandrum race, + He's Autocrat and Oracle in one. + The Universe indeed were no great shakes + Without RAIKES _Rex_ for Ruler. _Vivat_ RAIKES!!! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March_ 16.--House of Commons really looked +to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack of matter for quarrel. +Even before public business was reached, Orders bristled with Motions +raising controversial points. Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL, that man of peace, +was to the fore; his Bill, extending Manchester. Sheffield, and +Lincolnshire Railway into London _via_ Lord's Cricket Ground, down for +Second Reading. That redoubtable Parliamentary Archer BAUMANN also +on alert. Has taken under his personal charge the social and material +welfare of Metropolis; at one time HARRY LAWSON, on other side of +House, disputed supremacy of position with him. But, as SARK says, +BAUMANN has immense advantage of making Liberal speeches from +Conservative side. + +"If," says SARK, "I had to begin my Parliamentary life again, I would +sit for a Tory borough, and advocate Radical notions. If it were +possible, I would, with such a programme, like to represent one of the +Universities, Oxford for choice. There's a sameness about fellows who +fret up from Liberal benches and spout Radicalism, or about men who +talk Toryism from the Conservative camp. It's what was expected; what +the House of Commons enjoys is the unexpected. GRANDOLPH knows that +very well. If he'd come out as a Liberal, he wouldn't have been half +the power he is. The secret of success in political life, my young +friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself with light. The +thing doesn't hold good in the converse direction. A man sitting on +Liberal benches, and talking Toryism, will gain cheers from other +side, but not much else. Look at HORSMAN in the past; look at JOKIM +in the present. Certainly he is CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; but, even +with that, I suppose you wouldn't call him a political success?" + +[Illustration: Cupid's Bowman.] + +SARK a little prosy and opinionated; otherwise a good fellow. Whilst +his homily in progress ground considerably cleared. Manchester, +Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Bill put oft till to-morrow; Kensington +Subway Bill withdrawn; BAUMANN triumphant. Still remained public +business; OLD MORALITY led off with proposal to take Tuesdays and +Fridays for morning sittings and Opposition mustered in great force; +Mr. G. present, glowing with his own eulogy on ARTEMIS. OLD MORALITY +moved Resolution with deprecatory deferential manner; only desire +was to do his duty to QUEEN and Country and meet the convenience of +Honourable Gentlemen sitting in whatever part of the House they might +find themselves. Evidently expected outburst of indignant refusal, +long debate, and a big division. Some indignation, but little debate +and no division. Everyone on Opposition Benches seemed to expect +some one else to declare himself irreconcilable. When question put, a +pause; no one rose to continue the successive brief speeches; before +you could say JAMES FERGUSON, Government had, on this 16th of March, +practically secured all working time for remainder of Session. + +"I feel like CLIVE," said OLD MORALITY; "or was it WARREN HASTINGS? +Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation." + +[Illustration: THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS.] + +_Business done_,--Morning Sittings arranged for rest of Session. + +_Tuesday_.--"Lords" and Commons came in conflict to-day under novel +circumstances. Lord TANNEL-CHUNNEL, pending settlement of question +about making his Channel Tunnel, is promoting new trunk line of +railway. Means to bring the Manchester, Sheffield and Lincoln line +straight into London; terminus comes in by Lord's Cricket Ground; +invades the sweet simplicity of St. John's Wood; artistic population +of that quarter up in arms; shriek protest in Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL's +ear, and shake at him the angry fist. But TANNEL-CHUNNEL not a Baron +easily turned aside from accomplishment of his projects. Squares +Committee of "Lords"; impresses into support of his scheme +representatives of all the big towns on the route; Manchester, +Nottingham, Leicester, all cheer him on; Liberals, Conservatives, +Dissentient Liberals, swell his majority. Second Reading of Bill +carried by more than two to one. + +"How's that, Umpire?" CHUNNEL-TANNEL asked, carrying out his bat. +"Well played, indeed!" said the SPEAKER. + +Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore would stain the +floor of House. BARNES and WIGGINS were in it, but what it was all +about not quite clear. Something to do with a coal-truck. As far as +could be made out from choked utterances of BARNES, there had at some +remote period been a coal-truck despatched to London by the Midland +route. Something happened to it; either it was delayed, or it arrived +empty, or it didn't arrive at all. However, it was quite clear to +BARNES that the time had come when a new line of railway giving direct +access to London from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. WIGGINS +observed to be wriggling in his seat during the BARNES oration. Made +several attempts to catch SPEAKER's eye; at length succeeded; his +suppressed fury was terrible to behold: his rage Titanic. He at least +knew all about that coal-truck; though, as far as House was concerned, +he did not succeed in lifting the mystery in which BARNES had +enveloped it. Whether it was WIGGINS's coal, or merely WIGGINS's +truck; whether WIGGINS happened to be in the truck when it went +astray; or whether it was BARNES that was in it; or whether nothing +was in it but the coal; or whether, coming back to an earlier point, +there was no coal in the truck when it did (or did not) arrive at St. +Pancras: these were questions the House vainly pursued, withered, as +it was, under the wrath of WIGGINS The only point clearly perceived +was, that BIGGINS is a director of Midland Railway. + +[Illustration: "About that Coal Truck?"] + +In ordinary circumstances there are not to be found in House two +more affable men than BARNES and WIGGINS. Amongst many other virtues, +WIGGINS is, SARK tells me, one of the best judges of cigars in House, +and is never without a sample in his case. It is sad to think that a +man so gifted by nature, so favoured by fortune, should let his angry +passions rise round a coal-truck. House, contemplating the episode, +glad to shut it out by rushing off to Division Lobby. _Business +done_.--Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway Bill, Read a +Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103. + +_Thursday_.--House engaged in considering Lords' Amendments to +Tithes Bill. Things as dull as usual; House nearly empty; walk about +corridors through tea-room, newspaper-room, and library; almost +deserted; in smoking-room came upon little group playing cards; three +of them; SOLICITOR-GENERAL, CHABLES RUSSELL, and ASQUITH, LOCKWOOD +looking on. + +"I suppose," I said, "they're playing whist; why don't you make up the +hand?" + +"Whisht! it's not whist!" LOCKWOOD whispered, keeping his eye closely +fixed on game. "It's Baccarat. (Ah! CLARKE! I saw you. Come, pay up. +You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby Court case you know. I'm +not in it, but my learned brethren here hold briefs on either side, +and they say they are bound, in the interests of their clients, to +master the intricacies of the game. I must say they have managed very +successfully to subordinate their horror of gambling. RUSSELL, you +know, has a positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says, +a Barrister must sometimes put his prejudices in his pocket. ASQUITH +brings to the game a serious aspect that positively sanctifies it. +As for EDWARD CLARKE, he's wonderfully nimble. He was trying _la +poucette_ just now when I called out to him. As everything turns upon +this, my learned friends say they must make themselves acquainted +with it. But I hope it won't lead to any breaking up of families. I'm +told the Judges who are likely to be trying cases in London before +Whitsuntide, impelled by a similar sense of duty, are also studying +Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have developed a wonderful talent. +As a family man, and Recorder of Sheffield, I'm glad I'm not briefed +in the case." + +[Illustration: "Young Harry"] + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill. + +_Friday_.--Young HARRY LAWSON, with his beaver up, moved Resolution +approving the opening for certain hours, and under special +regulations, of the National Museums and Galleries, closed in +London to the public on Sundays, made capital and convincing speech; +supported by men like JOHN LUBBOCK, and, from Conservative side, +MAYNE and ELCHO. Earlier in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel, Hoxton, +Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green, had been heard by petition, praying +for the boon. But dear old ROBERT FOWLER knows better what is good +for the people. Opposed Motion. OLD MORALITY, who never goes into his +picture gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Saturday, whipped up +Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against 39. + +Mr. BUNG, who had been watching Debate from Distinguished Strangers' +Gallery, hugely delighted. "S'elp me," he said, "that'll stop +their little game for this Parliament, at least. What do they mean +hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go opening your bloomin' +mooseums and picter galleries on Sunday afternoons, _what's to become +of ME?_" + +_Business done_.--Mr. BUNG's; and very effectively, too. + + * * * * * + +"FLAT, STALE, AND UNPROFITABLE." + + HAMPDEN, farewell! Ere this you may have found + The World you swore was flat is really round. + But many a man, with brains beneath his hat. + Swears that the World is round, and finds it flat. + + * * * * * + +THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE. + +(_MARCH 21. OXFORD WON BY HALF A LENGTH._) + + Great ZEUS! was ever such a race since 1829, + When WORDSWORTH, SELWYN, MERIVALE began the mighty line, + First of the stalwart heroes who matched their straining thews, + And on great Thames's tide have fought the battle of the Blues? + Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his pen: + Still is there pluck in England, and still her sons are Men. + And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, or rain, + With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and spurt again. + A health to you, brave AMPTHILL; the cheering echoes far; + For FLEICHER and the NICKALLS' lads--_nobile fratrum par_. + A shout goes up for WILKINSON, the stalwart and the strong, + For REGGIE ROWE, and dauntless KENT, who kept the stroke so long. + For POOLE, the tidy bowman, and HEYWOOD-LONSDALE too; + Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant Oxford Crew. + Nor,--though the years speed onward, and others wield the oar, + Though others race and win or lose where we have raced before; + Though others, while we watch the sport, should play as we have played, + And scorn us prosy greybeards--shall ELIN's glory fade? + NOBLE, and LORD, and FRANCKLYN, they each shall have their cheer, + And BRADDON, small, but quick of eye, who craftily did steer, + And ROWLATT, and FOGG-ELLIOTT, and LANDALE, of the Hall, + And FISON, sturdy Corpus man--we cheer and praise them all. + _Punch_ loves all sturdy men and true, by whom great deeds are done, + And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews of '91. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL MAXIMS. + +(_Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and +Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal._) + +_Common Law_.--"The tradition of ages shall prevail," save when it +runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily paper. + +_Equity_.--(1). "No right shall be without a remedy," save when it is +sentimentally suggested that somebody's right may be somebody else's +wrong. + +(2.) "Equity follows the law," at such a distance that it never comes +up with it. + +(3.) "Equity is equality," save when a man's wife is literally his +better half. + +(4.) "Where there is equal equity the law must prevail," in any view +it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time +being. + +(5.) "Where the equities are equal the law prevails," in any course it +likes to pursue. + +(6.) "Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done," +especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the suitor ultimately +finds himself sold. + +_Contracts_.--(1.) "All contracts are construed according to the +intentions of the parties," save where one of them subsequently +changes his mind. + +(2.) "The construction should be liberal" enough to suit the fancy of +the Judge who enforces it. + +(3.) "It should be favourable" to a long and angry correspondence in +all the principal newspapers. + +(4) "The contract should in general be construed according to the law +of the country where made," but certainly not in particular. + +(5.) "That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to explain a +written contract," save when someone suggests that this practice shall +be reversed. + +(6.) "He who employs an agent does it himself," unless it is +considered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter. + +_Parent and Child_.--"A father shall have the custody of his +children," except when they get beyond his control and defy his +authority. + +_Landlord and Tenant_.--"A landlord has a right to receive his rent," +if the tenant does not spend the money on something else. + +_Husband and Wife_.--"A man has a right to the society of his wife." +when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere. + +_Birthright of an Englishman. (Popular traditionally but strictly +speaking supplementary_.)--"An Englishman's house is his castle," but +only the _pied à terre_ of the lawfully wedded sharer of his income. + +OLD FATHER ANTIC. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--CLIMATE OF THE BRITISH ISLES.--As the Gulf Stream +produces such an effect on the English climate, would it not be +feasible to add to the heat of the water in some way--say, by erecting +powerful furnaces somewhere on the south coast of Florida, or by +turning the lava from a volcano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into +the sea? I am not a man of science, but I should be glad to hear your +opinion of the scheme.--SUFFERER FROM COLD. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13281-8.txt or 13281-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/8/13281/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, March 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 25, 2004 [EBook #13281] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 28, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145" + id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <h2>THE G.P.O. + CUCKOO.</h2><a href="images/145.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/145.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the + fray,</p> + + <p>And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his + array;</p> + + <p>To North and South the message went, to W. and + E.,</p> + + <p>And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in + E.C.;</p> + + <p>From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes + wakes.</p> + + <p>As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud + for RAIKES.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon + the throng,</p> + + <p>"Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours + are very long;</p> + + <p>Yet since you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet + employs,</p> + + <p>We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of + hoys.</p> + + <p>Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor + quakes,</p> + + <p>Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine + RAIKES.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach + the Public sense,</p> + + <p>Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket + all their pence.</p> + + <p>Though the papers rave, we care not for their + chatter and their fuss.</p> + + <p>They must keep at home their messages, or send them + all through Us.</p> + + <p>And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose + crushes snakes.</p> + + <p>They have sown, but we shall reap it—'tis the + will of Mr. RAIKES."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But <i>Punch</i> was there, and listened, and his + angry face grew red,</p> + + <p>Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook + his ancient head,</p> + + <p>"RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much + incline to scorn</p> + + <p>Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and + cart away his corn.</p> + + <p>Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously + bakes</p> + + <p>Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it + all to RAIKES.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly + decrees</p> + + <p>That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, + like the bees.</p> + + <p>But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a + pleasant thing</p> + + <p>To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its + sting:</p> + + <p>And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him + who takes</p> + + <p>A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman + RAIKES!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SOUND AND SAFE.—We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to + be the new Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular + inquiry, "Who's GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe + Man." Good omen for the Shaftesbury.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BAR BARRED!</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee + sitting at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered + with plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. + Huge plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. + Thomas's Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway Extension + Bill under consideration.</i> Expert Witness <i>standing at + reading-desk under examination</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Junior Counsel</i> (<i>for Promoters</i>). You have told + us that there is a cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in + plan—in your opinion do you think that the road passing; + by Hoggsborough, coloured green, could be so diverted as to + avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge over the River Crowe, + coloured yellow?</p> + + <p><i>Expert Witness</i> (<i>with great deliberation, and + illustrating his remarks by references to a large plan</i>). In + my opinion I think the necessity of building a bridge over the + River Crowe may be avoided by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, + and by making a new road that would cross the proposed line by + a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and ultimately reach Market + Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the course of the + Raisensworth, coloured black.</p> + + <p><i>Junior Counsel</i>. Thank you—that will do. + [<i>Sits down.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Cross-Examining Q.C.</i> (<i>suddenly entering from + another Committee Room, looking for his + Junior—aside</i>). Where on earth have we got to?</p> + + <p><i>Chairman of Committee</i>. Is this witness + cross-examined?</p> + + <p><i>First C.-E. Q.C.</i> Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say + that it is necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, + coloured red in plan?</p> + + <p><i>Expert Witness</i>. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler + Estate is skirted, &c., &c. [<i>Repeats the answer he + has already given.</i></p> + + <p><i>Second Cross-Examining Q.C.</i> (<i>entering hurriedly, + as his learned brother sits down</i>). One moment, please. Now + you say that it is absolutely necessary to pass the River + Crowe, in plan coloured red, by a bridge?</p> + + <p><i>Expert Witness</i>. On the contrary, I say that if the + Swashbuckler Estate, &c., &c. [<i>Repeats his answer + for the third time.</i></p> + + <p><i>Third C.-E. Q.C.</i> (<i>entering hurriedly, as his + predecessor resumes his seat</i>). And now, Sir, that my + learned friends have asked you <i>their</i> questions, I have + to ask you <i>mine</i>. Be kind enough to say, for the benefit + of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members of the + Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction of the + proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood + of—(<i>consulting plan</i>)—Market Goosebury, + coloured blue in the plan, and, as you will see, runs through + the—(<i>inspects plan closely</i>)—Swashbuckler + Estate—yes, the Swashbuckler Estate—and comes, as + you will see, if you refer to the chart, near + Twaddlecomb—having now sufficiently indicated the + locality, I repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in + your opinion, the necessity of building a bridge over the River + Raven—(<i>is prompted by Junior</i>)—I should say, + over the River Crowe—could be avoided?</p> + + <p><i>Chairman of Committee</i> (<i>interposing</i>). I would + suggest that, as this question has been answered three times, + the witness be excused further examination at the hands of + Counsel not present at the examination-in-chief.</p> + + <p><i>First C.-E. Q.C.</i> (<i>warmly</i>). I consider this an + infringement of the privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. + Chairman must remember that it is possible that a single + reference in the examination-in-chief may only require + cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we represent. + Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very + seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by + a learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are + occasionally wanted elsewhere.</p> + + <p><i>Second C.-E. Q.C.</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). Yes; and how + can we attend to our Clients' interests if we are not allowed + to be in two places at once?</p> + + <p><i>Third C.-E. Q.C.</i> (<i>furiously</i>). You have no + right to act upon an old ruling that was never enforced. Why, + such a regulation would ruin us—and many of us have wives + and children!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to + brave imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary, + N.B.—Up to date the Tower is untenanted.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW—PHOTOGRAPHS!"—MR. A. + BRIEFLESS, Junr., having received a respectful invitation from + some Brook Street Photographers to favour them (without charge) + with a sitting, "to enable them to complete their series of + portraits of distinguished legal gentlemen," regrets to say + that, as he has already sat for another Firm making the same + request (see <i>Papers from Pump-handle Court</i>), he is + unable to comply with their courteous request. However, he is + pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded to + others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he + "possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his + connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, + Junr., wishes the industrious Firm every success in their + public-spirited undertaking.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146" + id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN.</h2>(A + LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.) + <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/146.png" + alt="'WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!'" /> + </a>"WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!" + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"Were I to go further into detail, I should show you + that the floodgates of (financial) abuse have been opened + even to a much larger extent than I have described. We are + getting into a system under which Parliament is treated, + and the country is treated, to the exhibition of fictitious + surpluses of revenue over expenditure."—<i>Mr. + Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. Goschen's Finance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The backwater was snug and fair,</p> + + <p>And the gay Canoeist cavorted there.</p> + + <p>Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere</p> + + <p class="i2">A reputation for pluck and stay!"</p> + + <p>Amidst the reeds the river ran;</p> + + <p>Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan,</p> + + <p class="i6">And loudly did lament</p> + + <p class="i2">The better deeds of a better day;</p> + + <p>Ever the gray Canoeist went on,</p> + + <p class="i2">Making his memos. as he went.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>II.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My foes are piqued, I must suppose,</p> + + <p>But cannot see their way to a 'Cry.'"</p> + + <p class="i2">(So mused the man with the Semite + nose,</p> + + <p class="i6">As up the backwater he + swept.)</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page147" + id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> + + <p>"What I like" (said he) "in this nook so shy,</p> + + <p>Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow,</p> + + <p>Squaring accounts at my own sweet will.</p> + + <p>With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill!</p> + + <p>The Swan's as quiet as though he slept.</p> + + <p>I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>III.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole,</p> + + <p>Snorting with furious joy.</p> + + <p>Hidden by rushes he yet drew near,</p> + + <p>Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear</p> + + <p>Those snortings fell, both full and clear.</p> + + <p>Floating about the backwater shy,</p> + + <p>Stronger and stronger the shindy stole,</p> + + <p>Filling the startled Canoeist with fear;</p> + + <p>And the jubilant jobating voice,</p> + + <p>With menaces meaning and manifold,</p> + + <p>Flowed forth on a "snorter" clear and bold</p> + + <p>(As when a party-procession rejoice</p> + + <p>With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of + gold),</p> + + <p>Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold,</p> + + <p>And over his paddle he crouched and rolled;</p> + + <p>And he wished himself from that nook afar</p> + + <p>(If it were but reading the evening star):</p> + + <p>And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed,</p> + + <p>And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed,</p> + + <p>He walloped into that paddler gay</p> + + <p>(Bent on enjoying his holiday).</p> + + <p>He smote him here, and he spanked him there,</p> + + <p>Upset his "balance," rumpled his hair.</p> + + <p>"I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding + pinions,</p> + + <p>"To come intruding in <i>my</i> dominions!"</p> + + <p>And the frightened flags, and the startled + reeds,</p> + + <p>And the willow-branches hoar and dank,</p> + + <p>And the shaking rushes and wobbling weeds,</p> + + <p>And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank,</p> + + <p>And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng</p> + + <p>(Who yelled at seeing him going so strong)</p> + + <p>Were flooded and fluttered by that Stentor song!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET.—"<i>Floreat + Etona!</i>" by all means, and may "HENRY's holy shade" never be + less! But doesn't it seem rather like a contradiction in terms, + for Old Etonians to sit down to an Eaten Dinner?—Yours, + once removed,</p> + + <p class="author">A SIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/147.png" + alt="FORM!" /></a> + + <h3>FORM!</h3> + + <p>"GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT A SWELL! WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT? + WEDDING BREAKFAST?"</p> + + <p>"OH NO; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. <i>MUST</i> BE + DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN I GO TO SEE <i>HIM</i>. HE'S SO + BEASTLY CRITICAL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ABOUT THE COURT.</h2> + + <p>At the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the + illustrated House Programme, is "Licensed by the London County + Council to the Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN WOOD and Mr. A. + CHUDLEIGH,"—is the LORD CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this + quarter? (how can there be a Court without a Lord + Chamberlain?), and, "under which king, Bezonian?" Was it in the + days of <i>The Happy Land?</i>—but no matter. To resume. + At the aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed an + original Farce, in Three Acts, written by Mr. R.R. LUMLEY. Ah! + Ah! LUMLEY, this isn't quite up to your other piece, <i>Aunt + Jack.</i> Mrs. JOHN WOOD is invaluable, and keeps the game + alive throughout; while ARTHUR CECIL's <i>Duke of + Donoway</i>—not a Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical + circumstances—is excellent. WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, + but in make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems + mixed up with one or two others that he has played, and is very + far from being in the same category with <i>Aunt Jack's</i> + crushed Solicitor. BRANDON THOMAS as <i>Captain Roland Gurney, + R.N.</i>, is very natural. <i>The Office Boy</i> of Master + WILSON and the little <i>Gridd</i> of Master WESTGATE (very + near Birchington when the boy is in Mrs. WOOD's hands), are + capital. Miss CARLOTTA LECLERCQ's <i>Duchess</i> is equal to + the occasion. The two girls' parts are unnatural and + uninteresting. What ought to make the success of the piece is + the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing "<i>The + Wolf</i>," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends + in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if + this situation had been so contrived,—as it might have + been, allow me to say,—as to end the Act, the Curtain + falling on the climax, the dashing down of the enraged + musician's song and the exit of the Duke, the run of <i>The + Volcano</i> would have been insured from now to Christmas. Is + it too late to retrieve this? To quote the title of one of + ANTHONY TROLLOPE's novels, "I say No!" There is so much that is + genuinely funny in the piece, that if the alteration is done + with a will, <i>hic et nunc</i>, why within a week the piece + could be fixed securely in its place for the London season, and + beyond it. Let funny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and + come out as the flaxen-headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And + a word in his ear,—SOTHERN fashioned <i>Lord + Dundreary</i> out of a worse part than this. <i>The Volcano</i> + shouldn't "bust up." That's my opinion, as</p> + + <p class="author">A FRIEND AT COURT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM.</h3> + + <p>From the <i>Queen</i>. A Correspondent writes:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"JOURNALISM.—I want to become a Dramatic Critic; + how should I begin? I am fond of going to the theatre, but + find it difficult to remember the plot of the play + afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors + prefer?—<i>Histrionica</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing + School for Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for + Critics? The Master would take his pupils to the Theatre + regularly, and could lecture on the Play as it proceeded. + Should Managers and Actors be so blind to the best interests of + their Art as to refuse to allow the play to be stopped from + time to time to allow of the Instructor's remarks, then he + would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his + pupils into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, where he + could give his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a + Scene or an Act every night,—and if they paid for their + places (a reduction being made for a quantity), the particular + drama they patronised would be considerably benefited by this + plan.</p> + + <p>There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these + critical scholars—say Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate + gown, and portable mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. + There might be a row reserved for them at the back of the Dress + Circle, and twenty-five per cent. reduction on tickets for a + series. The M.C., or Master of Critics, would take a fee for a + course from each pupil. Fee to include seat at theatre, + instruction, <i>and supper afterwards</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL + LANGUAGE,—"Hallo!" being the recognised telephonic + summons in use between companies and individuals of all + nationalities, may be already considered as "Hallo'd by a + variety of associations."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148" + id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. I.—ROSMERSHÖLM (CONCLUDED.)</h3> + + <h4>ACT III.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Sitting-room at Rosmershölm. Sun shining outside in + the Garden. Inside</i> REBECCA WEST <i>is watering a + geranium with a small watering-pot. Her crochet + antimacassar lies in the arm-chair.</i> Madam HELSETH <i>is + rubbing the chairs with furniture-polish from a large + bottle. Enter</i> ROSMER, <i>with his hat and stick in his + hand.</i> Madam HELSETH <i>corks the bottle and goes out to + the right.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rebecca</i>. Good morning, dear. (<i>A moment + after—crocheting.</i>) Have you seen Rector KROLL's paper + this morning? There's something about <i>you</i> in it.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. Oh, indeed? (<i>Puts down hat and stick, and + takes up paper.</i>) H'm! (<i>Reads—then walks about the + room.</i>) KROLL <i>has</i> made it hot for me. (<i>Reads some + more.</i>) Oh, this is <i>too</i> bad! REBECCA, they <i>do</i> + say such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a + renegade—and I can't <i>think</i> why! They + <i>mustn't</i> go on like this. All that is good in human + nature will go to ruin if they're allowed to attack an + excellent man like me! Only think, if I can make them see how + unkind they have been!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious + object to attain—and I wish you may get it!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. Thanks. I think I shall. (<i>Happens to look + through window, and jumps.</i>) Ah, no, I shan't—never + now. I have just seen—</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/148.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> <i>Not</i> the White Horse, dear? We must really + not overdo that White Horse!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. No—the mill-race, where + BEATA—(<i>Puts on his hat—takes it off again.</i>) + I'm beginning to be haunted by—no, I <i>don't</i> mean + the horse—by a terrible suspicion that BEATA may have + been right after all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of + it, that I must really have been in love with you from the + first. Tell me <i>your</i> opinion.</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>struggling with herself, and still + crocheting.</i>) Oh—I can't exactly say—such an odd + question to ask me!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>shakes his head</i>). Perhaps; I have no + sense of humour—no respectable Norwegian + <i>has</i>—and I <i>do</i> want to know—because, + you see, if I <i>was</i> in love with you, it was a <i>sin</i>, + and if I once convinced myself of that—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Wanders across the room.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>breaking out</i>). Oh, these old ancestral + prejudices! Here is your hat, and your stick, too; go and take + a walk.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[ROSMER <i>takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and + takes a walk; presently</i> Madam HELSETH <i>appears, and + tells</i> REBECCA <i>something</i>. REBECCA <i>tells</i> + her <i>something. They whisper together</i>. Madam H. + <i>nods, and shows in</i> Rector KROLL, <i>who keeps his + hat in his hand, and sits on a chair.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Kroll</i>. I merely called for the purpose of informing + you that I consider you an artful and designing person, but + that, on the whole, considering your birth and moral + antecedents, you know—(<i>nods at her</i>)—it is + not surprising. (REBECCA <i>walks about, wringing her + hands</i>) Why, what <i>is</i> the matter? Did you really not + know that you had no right to your father's name? I'd no + <i>idea</i> you would mind my mentioning such a trifle!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>breaking out</i>). I <i>do</i> mind. I am an + emancipated enigma, but I retain a few little prejudices still. + I <i>don't</i> like owning to my real age, and I <i>do</i> + prefer to be legitimate. And, after your information—of + which I was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late Mrs. GAMVIK, + never <i>once</i> alluded to it—I feel I must confess + everything. Strong-minded advanced women are like that. Here is + ROSMER. (ROSMER <i>enters with his hat and stick.</i>) ROSMER, + I want to tell you and Rector KROLL a little story. Let us sit + down, dear, all three of us. (<i>They sit down, mechanically, + on chairs.</i>) A long time ago, before the play + began—(<i>in a voice scarcely audible</i>)—in + Ibsenite dramas, all the interesting things somehow <i>do</i> + happen before the play begins—</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. But, REBECCA, I <i>know</i> all this. + KROLL—(<i>looks hard at her</i>). Perhaps I had better + go?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> No—I will be short—this was it. I + wanted to take my share in the life of the New Era, and march + onward with ROSMER. There was one dismal, insurmountable + barrier—(<i>to</i> ROSMER, <i>who nods + gravely</i>)—BEATA! I understood where your deliverance + lay—and I acted. <i>I</i> drove BEATA into the mill-race + ... There!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>after a short silence</i>). H'm! Well, + KROLL—(<i>takes up his hat</i>)—if you're thinking + of walking home, I'll go too. I'm going to be orthodox once + more—after <i>this</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Kroll</i> (<i>severely and impressively, to</i> REB.). A + nice sort of young woman <i>you</i> are! [<i>Both go out + hastily, without looking at</i> REB.</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>speaks to herself, under her breath</i>). + Now I <i>have</i> done it. I wonder <i>why</i>. (<i>Pulls + bell-rope.</i>) Madam HELSETH, I have just had a glimpse of two + rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-trunk.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Enter</i> Madam H., <i>with large hair-trunk, as + Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4>ACT IV.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Late evening</i>. REBECCA WEST <i>stands by a lighted + lamp, with a shade over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in + a reticule, with a faint smile. The antimacassar is on the + sofa. Enter</i> ROSMER.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>seeing the sandwiches, &c.</i>). + Sandwiches? Then you <i>are</i> going I Why, on earth,—I + <i>can't</i> understand!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Dear, you never <i>can</i>. Rosmershölm is too + much for me. But how did you get on with KROLL?</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. We have made it up. He has convinced me that + the work of ennobling men was several sizes too large for + me—so I am going to let it alone—</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>with her faint smile</i>). There I almost + think, dear, that you are wise.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>as if annoyed</i>). What, so <i>you</i> + don't believe in me either, REBECCA—you never <i>did! + [Sits listlessly on chair.</i></p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Not much, dear, when you are left to + yourself—but I've another confession to make.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. What, <i>another</i>? I really can't stand + any more confessions just now!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>sitting close to him</i>). It is only a + little one. I bullied BEATA into the mill-race—because of + a wild uncontrollable— (ROSMER <i>moves uneasily.</i>) + Sit still, dear—uncontrollable fancy—for + <i>you</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>goes and sits on sofa</i>). Oh, my + goodness, REBECCA—you <i>mustn't</i>, you know!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He jumps up and down as if embarrassed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> Don't be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. + After living alone with you in solitude, when you showed me all + your thoughts without reserve,—little by little, somehow + the fancy passed off. I caught the ROSMER view of life badly, + and dulness descended on my soul as an extinguisher upon one of + our Northern dips. The ROSMER view of life is ennobling, + very—but hardly lively. And I've more yet to tell + you.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>turning it off</i>). Isn't that enough for + one evening P</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>almost voiceless</i>). No, dear. I have a + Past—<i>behind</i> me!</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. <i>Behind</i> you? How strange. I had an idea + of that sort already. (<i>Starts, as if in fear.</i>) A joke! + (<i>Sadly.</i>) Ah, no—<i>no</i>, I must not give way to + <i>that</i>! Never mind the Past, REBECCA; I once thought that + I had made the grand discovery that, if one is only virtuous, + one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too + original—an immature dream. What bothers me is that I + can't—somehow I <i>can't</i>—believe entirely in + you—I am not even sure that I <i>have</i> ennobled you so + very much—<i>isn't</i> it terrible?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>wringing her hands</i>). Oh, this killing + doubt! (<i>Looks darkly at him.</i>) Is there anything <i>I</i> + can do to convince you?</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>as if impelled to speak against his + will</i>). Yes, one thing—only I'm afraid you wouldn't + see it in the same light. And yet I must mention it. It is like + this. I want to recover faith in my mission, in my power to + ennoble human souls. And, as a logical thinker, this I cannot + do now, unless—well, unless you jump into the mill-race, + too, like BEATA!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>takes up her antimacassar, with composure, + and puts it on her head</i>). Anything to oblige you.</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>springs up</i>). What? You really + <i>will</i>! You are <i>sure</i> you don't mind? Then, REBECCA, + I will go further. I will even go—yes—as far as you + go yourself!</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>bows her head towards his breast</i>). You + will see me off? Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Smiles almost imperceptibly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>cautiously</i>). I said as far as + <i>you</i> go. I don't commit myself further than that. Shall + we go?</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> First tell me this. Are <i>you</i> going with + <i>me</i>, or am <i>I</i> going with <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i>. A subtle psychological point—but we + have not time to think it out here. We will discuss it as we go + along. Come!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page149" + id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> + + <blockquote> + <p>[ROSMER <i>takes his hat and stick</i>, REBECCA <i>her + reticule, with sandwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through + the door, which they leave open. The room (as is not + uncommon with rooms in Norway) is left empty. Then</i> + Madam HELSETH <i>enters through another door.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Madam H.</i> The cab, Miss—not here! (<i>Looks + out.</i>) Out together—at this time of night—upon + my—<i>not</i> on the garden-seat? (<i>Looks out of + window.</i>) My goodness! <i>what</i> is that white thing on + the bridge—the <i>Horse</i> at last! (<i>Shrieks + aloud.</i>) And those two sinful creatures running home!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter</i> ROSMER <i>and</i> REBECCA, <i>out of + breath.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Rosmer</i> (<i>scarcely able to get the words out</i>). + It's no use, REBECCA—we must put it off till another + evening. We can't be expected to jump off a footbridge which + already has a White Horse on it. And, if it comes to that, why + should we jump at all? I know now that I really <i>have</i> + ennobled you, which was all <i>I</i> wanted. What would be the + good of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a + mill-pond? No, REBECCA—(<i>lays his hand on her + head</i>)—there is no judge over us, and + therefore—</p> + + <p><i>Reb.</i> (<i>interrupting gravely</i>). We will bind + ourselves over in our own recognisances to come up for judgment + when called upon.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Madam HELSETH <i>holds on to a chair-back</i>, REBECCA + <i>finishes the antimacassar calmly as Curtain + falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>A GRAND OLD WETTERUN!</h2> + + <p>I ain't bin werry well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was + cort in the Lizzard, I think, as they called it, on that awful + Munday nite, and that was pretty nearly a settler for both my + old bones and my breth, and might ha' bin quite so, if one of + the werry kindest Members of the old Copperashun as I nos on, + who had bin a dining with a jolly party on 'em, hadn't kindly + directed my notise to about a harf bottle-full of werry fine + old Port, with the remarkabel kind words, "That's just about + what you wants, Mr. ROBERT, to take you ome safely this most + orful nite!" And so it were, and I didn't waste a single drop + on it.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/149-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149-1.png" + alt="The 'Tipper's' Strike." /></a>The "Tipper's" + Strike. + </div> + + <p>However, I was obligated to have a good long rest, which I + took out mostly in sleep; but, jest as I was preparing to set + out for the "Grand Hotel," in comes my Son; and he says to me, + "Guvnor," says he—I notise as he allers calls me Guvnor + when he wants me to do sumthink—"I wants you to do me the + favour to ask <i>Mr. Punch</i> for to do you a favour." "Why, + what do you mean?" says I. "Why, this is what I means," says + he. "About the grandest feller as ewer in the hole world gave + up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make hundreds of + stupid boys into clever boys, and hundreds of bad boys into + good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a + going for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them + hundreds of boys, me among 'em, to sellybrate his Jewbilly, + same as the QUEEN had the other day. Ewery one of us as lives + in London will jump at the chance; but the boys as he turns out + from the great City of Lundon Skool is such reel fust-raters, + that they gits snapped up direckly by Merchants and peeple, and + sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious + buzzinesses there, so we don't know how to get at 'em; but as + <i>Mr. Punch</i> goes wherever any smart, clever English chap + goes, if he wood most kindly let this littel matter be + mentioned, the grandest, and sucksessfullest, ay, and wittiest + Skool Master of modern times wood get his dew reward."</p> + + <p>So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and + this is what I can add to them from my own knowlidg. There's + sum of the old boys, as isn't quite as yung as when they left + Skool, as has formed a club to dine together sumtimes, and tork + of old times, like senserbel fellers as they is; and Mr. JOSEPH + HARRIS, the gennelman in question, is allers there, and allers + has to make a speech, and I am amost allers there too; and, to + hear the joyful shouts of arty welcome with which his old + pupils greets him when he rises for to speak, and their roars + of larfter at his wit, and his fun, and his good-humer, while + he is a speaking, is so wery remarkabel, that I sumtimes + wanders whether it doesn't, a good deal of it, rise from the + fact of his great School being so close to <i>Mr. Punch's</i> + own horfice. But this is over the way, as the great writer + says. May I be alowd to had that my speshal frend, and + hewerybody's speshal frend, Mr. COOKE, is reddy to receive any + number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A NEW PROVIDENCE.—"My life is in your hands," as the + Autobiographist said to his Publisher.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Latest Version; suggested by a Case at the London + Sessions.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who on the river his wherry did ply?</p> + + <p>When rowing along with great skill and + dexterity,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Cask of Madeira it caught his pleased + eye.</p> + + <p>It looked so nice, he rowed up steadily,</p> + + <p>Transferred that cask to his boat right readily;</p> + + <p>And he eyed the dear drink with so eager an air,</p> + + <p>For the name on the cask not a jot did he care.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When smart EDDARD SAILL got that cask in his + wherry,</p> + + <p class="i2">He cleaned it out—partly—with + swiggings not small,</p> + + <p>And with his companions—what + wonder?—made merry;</p> + + <p class="i2">Madeira's a wine that's not tippled by + all.</p> + + <p>One fancies one hears 'em a laughing and + cheering,</p> + + <p>Says EDDARD, "My boys, this is better than + beering!</p> + + <p>A Waterman's life would be free from all care</p> + + <p>If he often dropped on treasure trove like that + there."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet but to think now how strangely things + happen!</p> + + <p class="i2">They copped him for "larceny by + finding,"—that's all!</p> + + <p>But SAILL couldn't read, and the jury was + kindly,</p> + + <p class="i2">So EDDARD got off, though his chance + appeared small.</p> + + <p>Now would this young Waterman keep out of + sorrow,</p> + + <p>No derelict casks let him—shall we say, + borrow?</p> + + <p>Madeira is nice, but you'd best have a care,</p> + + <p>Before swigging the wine, that it's yours fair and + square!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p><i>The Childhood and Youth of Dickens</i>, a sort of short + postscript to FORSTER's Life, very well got up by its + publishers HUTCHINSON & Co., will interest those who for + the third or fourth time are going through a course of + DICKENS.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/149-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/149-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The + best pocket-book <i>must</i> contain a calendar-diary, and as + little printed matter, and as much space for notes, as + possible. No pocket-book is perfect without some sort of patent + pencil, of which the writing-metal, when used on a damp + surface, will serve as well as do pen and ink on ordinary + paper. Such a pocket-book with such a pencil the Baron has long + had in use, the product of JOHN WALKER & Co., of Farringdon + House. It should be called <i>The Walker Pocket-book, or + Pedestrian's Companion</i>; for, as "He who runs may read," so, + with this handy combination, "He who walks may write." The + Baron is led to mention this <i>à propos</i> of a novelty by + T.J. SMITH AND DOWNES, called <i>The Self-registering Pocket + Note-book</i>, a very neat invention, <i>quâ</i> Note-book + only, but of which only one size has the invaluable patent + pencil. The ordinary pencil entails carrying a knife, and, + though this is good for the cutler—"I know that man, he + comes from Sheffield"—yet it is a defect which is a + constant source of worry to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, + Messrs. SMITH AND DOWNES' artfulness in making the pencil serve + as a marker, so that the latest note can at once be found, is + decidedly ingenious, and may probably be found most useful. + <i>Experientia docet: Baronius tentabit.</i></p> + + <p>While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank + Messrs. CASSELL & Co. for the pocket volumes of the + <i>National Library</i> edited by HENRY MORLEY, and ventures to + recommend as a real travelling companion, <i>Essays, Civil and + Moral, by Francis Bacon</i>. In the eighteenth Essay "Of + Travel," the chief Diarists, "LETTS AND SON," might find a + motto for <i>their</i> publications. The Baron directs their + attention to this side of BACON from which this is a + slice,—"<i>Let Diaries, therefore, be brought in + use</i>." A new reading for advertising purposes would change + "Let" into "Letts," or Letts could be interpolated in brackets. + "A cheeky way of treating BACON," says the Baron's friend + little FUNNIMAN (Author of <i>Funniman's Poor Jokes</i>); but, + if nothing worse than this can be said against the Baron's + suggestion, why, "Letts adopt it," says</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page150" + id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/150.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/150.png" + alt="MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING." /></a> + + <h3>MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING.</h3> + + <center> + (<i>The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist.</i>) + </center> + + <center> + "WELL, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY, I'VE LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, + AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO TO YOU THIS + YEAR!" + </center> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"In the words of the Postmaster-General, spoken + yesterday (March 18th) from his room in St. + Martin's-le-Grand, and distinctly heard by the head of a + corresponding department in Paris, the triumph of the + International Telephone is an accomplished + fact."—<i>Daily News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>HALLO!—are you there</i>? That's the cue + international,</p> + + <p class="i2">Henceforth we'll hope, and we trust it + may lead</p> + + <p>To colloquies pleasant, relations more rational.</p> + + <p class="i2">May "saucers" and tubes telephonic + succeed</p> + + <p>In setting the world "by the ears," in a fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Not meant by the men who invented that + phrase.</p> + + <p>May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion</p> + + <p class="i10">Die out, like a craze!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why, bless us, and save us! We <i>ought</i> to + behave us</p> + + <p class="i2">A little bit better for all our new + light.</p> + + <p>From incurable savagery nothing can save us</p> + + <p class="i2">If Science can't cool down our fondness + for fight.</p> + + <p>With so many chances of "talking things over,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Like comrades in council, across the + broad sea,</p> + + <p>Nations ought to be nice, as a girl and her + lover</p> + + <p class="i10">At five o'clock tea!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Eh? <i>Vox et præterea nihil</i>? What matter</p> + + <p class="i2">How close ears may seem if the hearts are + apart?</p> + + <p>Humph! Nothing go easy as cynical chatter;</p> + + <p class="i2">Distrust's diplomatic, and satire sounds + "smart."</p> + + <p>But, as RAIKES suggests, there <i>is</i> something + in hearing</p> + + <p class="i2">The "great human voice" o'er some three + hundred miles,</p> + + <p>In spite of the scorn that's so given to + sneering,</p> + + <p class="i10">The hate that reviles.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One wonders what TALLEYRAND, subtle old schemer!</p> + + <p class="i2">Would think of the Telephone were + <i>he</i> alive.</p> + + <p>Wits sniff at the <i>savant</i>, and mock at the + dreamer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who else, though, so hard for humanity + strive?</p> + + <p>BELLONA's sworn backers are woefully numerous;</p> + + <p class="i2">Peace, let us pray, may claim this as + <i>her</i> friend;</p> + + <p>The "Sentiment" flouted by swashbucklers + humorous</p> + + <p class="i10">Sways, at the end.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If language was given our thoughts for + concealing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Telephone—'tis but a travelling + Voice!—</p> + + <p>Need not be the agent of reckless revealing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And caution must often be candour's wise + choice.</p> + + <p>Unwisdom is sure to be sometimes caught napping,</p> + + <p class="i2">And tongues may wag foolishly e'en + through the wire.</p> + + <p>Facilities freer for summary snapping</p> + + <p class="i10">No sage can desire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Great diplomats, proud of their "able + dispatches,"</p> + + <p class="i2">From trusting the tube with their wisdom + may shrink.</p> + + <p>The brain that in secret shrewd policies + hatches,</p> + + <p class="i2">May not care to canvas 'cute schemes + "o'er a drink."</p> + + <p>Yet times must be many when sense will be winner</p> + + <p class="i2">By chatting of trifles, which nations + have riled,</p> + + <p>As freely as though <i>vis-à-vis</i> at a + dinner,</p> + + <p class="i10">And carefully "tiled."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now England and France can thus gossip together,</p> + + <p class="i2">And CARNOT and SALISBURY thus + hob-a-nob,</p> + + <p>We'll hope for set-fair international weather.</p> + + <p class="i2">Our RAIKES and their ROCHE appear well + "on the job."</p> + + <p>The Telephone's triumph at least is not + sinister.</p> + + <p class="i2">Things should go easier + somehow—with care,</p> + + <p>When patriot Minister greets patriot Minister,</p> + + <p class="i10">"<i>Hallo!—are you there?</i>"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ANOTHER TELEPHONIC SUGGESTION.—Connect the Theatres + and Opera Houses by Telephone with all the Clubs. On payment of + a fixed charge, any member should be able to hear just as much + of the piece or Opera as he might require. Something above the + price of a Stall to be the maximum charge for one person to + hear entire Opera. For half the Opera, say six shillings; for a + quarter of it, three-and-six. For hearing one song in it, + eighteen-pence; and, if certain songs be in great demand, the + prices could be raised.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EPIGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF MOST PUBLIC BANQUETS WITH + POSTPRANDIAL ORATORY.—"Stuff and Nonsense."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page151" + id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/151.png" + alt="PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL." /></a> + + <h3>PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.</h3> + + <p>LORD SALISBURY. "HALLO!"</p> + + <p>M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "HALLO!"</p> + + <p>LORD SALISBURY. "YOU THERE?"</p> + + <p>M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "ALL THERE!"</p> + + <p>LORD SALISBURY. "CAN YOU SUGGEST AN <i>ENTRÉE</i> FOR + DINNER?"</p> + + <p>M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "<i>HOMARD AU GRATIN</i>,—AND, BY + THE WAY, HOW ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION?"</p> + + <p>LORD SALISBURY. "NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YOU!!!"</p> + + <center> + [<i>Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, + March 23rd.</i>] + </center> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page153" + id="page153"></a>[pg 153]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/153.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/153.png" + alt="SUFFERING ON THE 'SILVER STREAK.'" /></a> + + <h3>SUFFERING ON THE "SILVER STREAK."</h3>THESE GENTLEMEN + (AFTER A FEW HOURS' REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN FAVOUR OF + THE PROPOSED CHANNEL TUBULAR RAILWAY. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>New Style.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In healthier times, when friends would meet</p> + + <p>Their friends in chamber, park, or street,</p> + + <p>Each, as hereunder, each would greet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tour level hand went forth; you clasped</p> + + <p>Your crony's; each his comrade's grasped—</p> + + <p>If roughly, neither friend was rasped.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such was the good old-fashioned one</p> + + <p>Of honest British "How d'ye do?"</p> + + <p>I think it manly still—don't you?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But <i>now</i>, when smug acquaintance hails</p> + + <p>A set that would be "smart," but fails,</p> + + <p>Another principle prevails.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The arm, in lifted curve displayed,</p> + + <p>Droops limply o'er the shoulder-blade,</p> + + <p>As needing some chirurgeon's aid:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The wrist is wrenched of JONES and BROWN,</p> + + <p>Those ornaments of London Town;</p> + + <p>Their listless fingers dribble down:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>BROWN reaches to the knuckle-bones</p> + + <p>Of thus-excruciated JONES;</p> + + <p>BROWN's hand the same affliction owns.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At length his finger-tips have pressed</p> + + <p>The fingers of his JONES distressed:</p> + + <p>Both curvatures then sink to rest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A sort of anguish lisped proceeds</p> + + <p>Prom either's mouth, but neither heeds</p> + + <p>The other's half-heroic deeds.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Exhausted, neither much can say;</p> + + <p>Complacent, each pursues his way;</p> + + <p>And JONES and BBOWN have lived to-day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For both have sought by strenuous strain</p> + + <p>To demonstrate, in face of pain,</p> + + <p>That friends they were, and friends remain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, wonderful! Can Poets deem</p> + + <p>Self-sacrifice a fading dream?</p> + + <p>Are salutations what they seem?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Is BROWN some Altruist in disguise,</p> + + <p>And JONES an Ibsenite likewise,</p> + + <p>That thus they flop and agonise?—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or are the pair affected fools,</p> + + <p>Who catch by rote the silly rules</p> + + <p>Of third-rate fashionable schools?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>COURT COLD!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Page from the Diary of a Chaperon.</i>)</h4> + + <p>They commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day's + doings would be a terrible ordeal, but she came of a bold and + sturdy race, and felt herself equal to any emergency. And so as + the morning broke—as daylight crept through the foggy + air—she prepared for the sacrifice. Yes, sacrifice; for + was it not a sacrifice to barter away youth, pride, nay, life + itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me—but away + with vain regret!</p> + + <p>I have been told since that they were hours and hours + arranging her toilette. So long did it take that she was + scarcely able to break her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of + tea, and if rumour is to be credited, a couple of slices of + thin bread-and-butter! Well, it is over now, and I can think of + it almost without tears!</p> + + <p>I called for her shortly after noon—for the lot had + fallen upon me, and I was destined to attend her to her + doom—she was very calm, and even smiled as I kissed her. + She shivered a little as she sank beside me. I bade her to wrap + her shawl more closely around her, and after she had complied + with my command she seemed more at ease.</p> + + <p>And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were + surrounded by a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and + mocking at us! My charge clung to me for protection. The + laughter and the jeers increased tenfold. Then I cast her away + from me roughly, whereupon followed yells mixed with savage + laughter. She, poor girl, regained her composure, and gazed at + the multitude with the dignity of an outraged queen. And + <i>they</i> laughed the more! Laughed the more!</p> + + <p>At length we were set free, and made our way to a large + apartment, where we were divested of our wraps, and left in + costumes better adapted to late June than to early March, or + mid-December. We were then ordered to advance. We were driven + from one bitterly cold room to another, until we knew not + whether the blood was circulating in our veins, or had frozen. + We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor creatures pushed + against us, and fought with us. The great object of everyone + was to get to the end of our journey!</p> + + <p>She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away + the yards of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out + behind. Then her name was uttered, or, rather, mispronounced. + She sank on her knees; and, on regaining her feet, was hustled + away, to follow a number of fellow-victims who had been treated + with like indignity.</p> + + <p>Once more there was the bitter cold. This time the draughts + were met in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance + arrived to move us on—she to stand for a couple of hours + amidst gossiping friends, and I to go to bed.</p> + + <p>But the seeds of death were sown! She never recovered the + shock, and an addition to the inscriptions above the + family-vault tells of her early decease!</p> + + <p>And who was this poor girl? A homeless one, wandering the + streets of London? or a political prisoner, on her way to + Siberia? Neither! She was merely a <i>débutante</i>, attending + her first (and last) Spring Drawing-room at Buckingham + Palace!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTE (<i>by Our Own Noodle</i>).—<i>Father + Buonaparte</i>, at the Olympic, judging from the account of it + in the <i>Times</i>, seems to consist of "a part" for our + WILSON BARRETT, the remainder being skeletonish, or + "boney."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page154" + id="page154"></a>[pg 154]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/154.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/154.png" + alt="'MATTHEWS AT HOME.' (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD ENTERTAINMENT.)" /> + </a> + + <h3>"MATTHEWS AT HOME." (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD + ENTERTAINMENT.)</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page155" + id="page155"></a>[pg 155]</span> + + <h3>RAIKES REX!</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>Somebody once said that ultimately the Solar System + would probably become a branch of the General Post Office. + The present Postmaster-General is obviously of opinion that + that state of things has already come about.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To rule a realm as limitless as space,</p> + + <p class="i2">With the great G.P.O. as Central Sun,</p> + + <p>RAIKES is the man. Of Great Panjandrum race,</p> + + <p class="i2">He's Autocrat and Oracle in one.</p> + + <p>The Universe indeed were no great shakes</p> + + <p>Without RAIKES <i>Rex</i> for Ruler. <i>Vivat</i> + RAIKES!!!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March</i> 16.—House of + Commons really looked to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack + of matter for quarrel. Even before public business was reached, + Orders bristled with Motions raising controversial points. Lord + CHUNNEL-TANNEL, that man of peace, was to the fore; his Bill, + extending Manchester. Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway into + London <i>via</i> Lord's Cricket Ground, down for Second + Reading. That redoubtable Parliamentary Archer BAUMANN also on + alert. Has taken under his personal charge the social and + material welfare of Metropolis; at one time HARRY LAWSON, on + other side of House, disputed supremacy of position with him. + But, as SARK says, BAUMANN has immense advantage of making + Liberal speeches from Conservative side.</p> + + <p>"If," says SARK, "I had to begin my Parliamentary life + again, I would sit for a Tory borough, and advocate Radical + notions. If it were possible, I would, with such a programme, + like to represent one of the Universities, Oxford for choice. + There's a sameness about fellows who fret up from Liberal + benches and spout Radicalism, or about men who talk Toryism + from the Conservative camp. It's what was expected; what the + House of Commons enjoys is the unexpected. GRANDOLPH knows that + very well. If he'd come out as a Liberal, he wouldn't have been + half the power he is. The secret of success in political life, + my young friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself + with light. The thing doesn't hold good in the converse + direction. A man sitting on Liberal benches, and talking + Toryism, will gain cheers from other side, but not much else. + Look at HORSMAN in the past; look at JOKIM in the present. + Certainly he is CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; but, even with + that, I suppose you wouldn't call him a political success?"</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/155-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/155-1.png" + alt="Cupid's Bowman." /></a>Cupid's Bowman. + </div> + + <p>SARK a little prosy and opinionated; otherwise a good + fellow. Whilst his homily in progress ground considerably + cleared. Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Bill put oft + till to-morrow; Kensington Subway Bill withdrawn; BAUMANN + triumphant. Still remained public business; OLD MORALITY led + off with proposal to take Tuesdays and Fridays for morning + sittings and Opposition mustered in great force; Mr. G. + present, glowing with his own eulogy on ARTEMIS. OLD MORALITY + moved Resolution with deprecatory deferential manner; only + desire was to do his duty to QUEEN and Country and meet the + convenience of Honourable Gentlemen sitting in whatever part of + the House they might find themselves. Evidently expected + outburst of indignant refusal, long debate, and a big division. + Some indignation, but little debate and no division. Everyone + on Opposition Benches seemed to expect some one else to declare + himself irreconcilable. When question put, a pause; no one rose + to continue the successive brief speeches; before you could say + JAMES FERGUSON, Government had, on this 16th of March, + practically secured all working time for remainder of + Session.</p> + + <p>"I feel like CLIVE," said OLD MORALITY; "or was it WARREN + HASTINGS? Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/155-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/155-2.png" + alt="THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS." /></a> + + <h4>THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS.</h4> + </div> + + <p><i>Business done</i>,—Morning Sittings arranged for + rest of Session.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—"Lords" and Commons came in conflict + to-day under novel circumstances. Lord TANNEL-CHUNNEL, pending + settlement of question about making his Channel Tunnel, is + promoting new trunk line of railway. Means to bring the + Manchester, Sheffield and Lincoln line straight into London; + terminus comes in by Lord's Cricket Ground; invades the sweet + simplicity of St. John's Wood; artistic population of that + quarter up in arms; shriek protest in Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL's + ear, and shake at him the angry fist. But TANNEL-CHUNNEL not a + Baron easily turned aside from accomplishment of his projects. + Squares Committee of "Lords"; impresses into support of his + scheme representatives of all the big towns on the route; + Manchester, Nottingham, Leicester, all cheer him on; Liberals, + Conservatives, Dissentient Liberals, swell his majority. Second + Reading of Bill carried by more than two to one.</p> + + <p>"How's that, Umpire?" CHUNNEL-TANNEL asked, carrying out his + bat. "Well played, indeed!" said the SPEAKER.</p> + + <p>Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore would + stain the floor of House. BARNES and WIGGINS were in it, but + what it was all about not quite clear. Something to do with a + coal-truck. As far as could be made out from choked utterances + of BARNES, there had at some remote period been a coal-truck + despatched to London by the Midland route. Something happened + to it; either it was delayed, or it arrived empty, or it didn't + arrive at all. However, it was quite clear to BARNES that the + time had come when a new line of railway giving direct access + to London from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. WIGGINS + observed to be wriggling in his seat during the BARNES oration. + Made several attempts to catch SPEAKER's eye; at length + succeeded; his suppressed fury was terrible to behold: his rage + Titanic. He at least knew all about that coal-truck; though, as + far as House was concerned, he did not succeed in lifting the + mystery in which BARNES had enveloped it. Whether it was + WIGGINS's coal, or merely WIGGINS's truck; whether WIGGINS + happened to be in the truck when it went astray; or whether it + was BARNES that was in it; or whether nothing was in it but the + coal; or whether, coming back to an earlier point, there was + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page156" + id="page156"></a>[pg 156]</span> no coal in the truck when + it did (or did not) arrive at St. Pancras: these were + questions the House vainly pursued, withered, as it was, + under the wrath of WIGGINS The only point clearly perceived + was, that BIGGINS is a director of Midland Railway.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/156-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/156-1.png" + alt="'About that Coal Truck?'" /></a>"About that Coal + Truck?" + </div> + + <p>In ordinary circumstances there are not to be found in House + two more affable men than BARNES and WIGGINS. Amongst many + other virtues, WIGGINS is, SARK tells me, one of the best + judges of cigars in House, and is never without a sample in his + case. It is sad to think that a man so gifted by nature, so + favoured by fortune, should let his angry passions rise round a + coal-truck. House, contemplating the episode, glad to shut it + out by rushing off to Division Lobby. <i>Business + done</i>.—Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway + Bill, Read a Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—House engaged in considering Lords' + Amendments to Tithes Bill. Things as dull as usual; House + nearly empty; walk about corridors through tea-room, + newspaper-room, and library; almost deserted; in smoking-room + came upon little group playing cards; three of them; + SOLICITOR-GENERAL, CHABLES RUSSELL, and ASQUITH, LOCKWOOD + looking on.</p> + + <p>"I suppose," I said, "they're playing whist; why don't you + make up the hand?"</p> + + <p>"Whisht! it's not whist!" LOCKWOOD whispered, keeping his + eye closely fixed on game. "It's Baccarat. (Ah! CLARKE! I saw + you. Come, pay up. You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby + Court case you know. I'm not in it, but my learned brethren + here hold briefs on either side, and they say they are bound, + in the interests of their clients, to master the intricacies of + the game. I must say they have managed very successfully to + subordinate their horror of gambling. RUSSELL, you know, has a + positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says, a + Barrister must sometimes put his prejudices in his pocket. + ASQUITH brings to the game a serious aspect that positively + sanctifies it. As for EDWARD CLARKE, he's wonderfully nimble. + He was trying <i>la poucette</i> just now when I called out to + him. As everything turns upon this, my learned friends say they + must make themselves acquainted with it. But I hope it won't + lead to any breaking up of families. I'm told the Judges who + are likely to be trying cases in London before Whitsuntide, + impelled by a similar sense of duty, are also studying + Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have developed a wonderful + talent. As a family man, and Recorder of Sheffield, I'm glad + I'm not briefed in the case."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/156-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/156-2.png" + alt="'Young Harry.'" /></a>"Young Harry." + </div> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Tithes Bill.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Young HARRY LAWSON, with his beaver up, + moved Resolution approving the opening for certain hours, and + under special regulations, of the National Museums and + Galleries, closed in London to the public on Sundays, made + capital and convincing speech; supported by men like JOHN + LUBBOCK, and, from Conservative side, MAYNE and ELCHO. Earlier + in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel, Hoxton, Shoreditch, and + Bethnal Green, had been heard by petition, praying for the + boon. But dear old ROBERT FOWLER knows better what is good for + the people. Opposed Motion. OLD MORALITY, who never goes into + his picture gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Saturday, + whipped up Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against + 39.</p> + + <p>Mr. BUNG, who had been watching Debate from Distinguished + Strangers' Gallery, hugely delighted. "S'elp me," he said, + "that'll stop their little game for this Parliament, at least. + What do they mean hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go + opening your bloomin' mooseums and picter galleries on Sunday + afternoons, <i>what's to become of ME?</i>"</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Mr. BUNG's; and very + effectively, too.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Flat, Stale, and Unprofitable."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HAMPDEN, farewell! Ere this you may have found</p> + + <p>The World you swore was flat is really round.</p> + + <p>But many a man, with brains beneath his hat.</p> + + <p>Swears that the World is round, and finds it + flat.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>March 21. Oxford won by half a length.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Great ZEUS! was ever such a race since 1829,</p> + + <p>When WORDSWORTH, SELWYN, MERIVALE began the mighty + line,</p> + + <p>First of the stalwart heroes who matched their + straining thews,</p> + + <p>And on great Thames's tide have fought the battle of + the Blues?</p> + + <p>Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his + pen:</p> + + <p>Still is there pluck in England, and still her sons + are Men.</p> + + <p>And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, + or rain,</p> + + <p>With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and + spurt again.</p> + + <p>A health to you, brave AMPTHILL; the cheering echoes + far;</p> + + <p>For FLEICHER and the NICKALLS' lads—<i>nobile + fratrum par</i>.</p> + + <p>A shout goes up for WILKINSON, the stalwart and the + strong,</p> + + <p>For REGGIE ROWE, and dauntless KENT, who kept the + stroke so long.</p> + + <p>For POOLE, the tidy bowman, and HEYWOOD-LONSDALE + too;</p> + + <p>Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant + Oxford Crew.</p> + + <p>Nor,—though the years speed onward, and others + wield the oar,</p> + + <p>Though others race and win or lose where we have + raced before;</p> + + <p>Though others, while we watch the sport, should play + as we have played,</p> + + <p>And scorn us prosy greybeards—shall ELIN's + glory fade?</p> + + <p>NOBLE, and LORD, and FRANCKLYN, they each shall have + their cheer,</p> + + <p>And BRADDON, small, but quick of eye, who craftily + did steer,</p> + + <p>And ROWLATT, and FOGG-ELLIOTT, and LANDALE, of the + Hall,</p> + + <p>And FISON, sturdy Corpus man—we cheer and + praise them all.</p> + + <p><i>Punch</i> loves all sturdy men and true, by whom + great deeds are done,</p> + + <p>And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews + of '91.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEGAL MAXIMS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern + Manners and Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of + Appeal</i>.)</h4> + + <p><i>Common Law</i>.—"The tradition of ages shall + prevail," save when it runs counter to the opinions of a + leader-writer of a daily paper.</p> + + <p><i>Equity</i>.—(1). "No right shall be without a + remedy," save when it is sentimentally suggested that + somebody's right may be somebody else's wrong.</p> + + <p>(2.) "Equity follows the law," at such a distance that it + never comes up with it.</p> + + <p>(3.) "Equity is equality," save when a man's wife is + literally his better half.</p> + + <p>(4.) "Where there is equal equity the law must prevail," in + any view it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord + Chancellor for the time being.</p> + + <p>(5.) "Where the equities are equal the law prevails," in any + course it likes to pursue.</p> + + <p>(6.) "Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be + done," especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the + suitor ultimately finds himself sold.</p> + + <p><i>Contracts</i>.—(1.) "All contracts are construed + according to the intentions of the parties," save where one of + them subsequently changes his mind.</p> + + <p>(2.) "The construction should be liberal" enough to suit the + fancy of the Judge who enforces it.</p> + + <p>(3.) "It should be favourable" to a long and angry + correspondence in all the principal newspapers.</p> + + <p>(4) "The contract should in general be construed according + to the law of the country where made," but certainly not in + particular.</p> + + <p>(5.) "That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to + explain a written contract," save when someone suggests that + this practice shall be reversed.</p> + + <p>(6.) "He who employs an agent does it himself," unless it is + considered advisable to take an opposite view of the + matter.</p> + + <p><i>Parent and Child</i>.—"A father shall have the + custody of his children," except when they get beyond his + control and defy his authority.</p> + + <p><i>Landlord and Tenant</i>.—"A landlord has a right to + receive his rent," if the tenant does not spend the money on + something else.</p> + + <p><i>Husband and Wife</i>.—"A man has a right to the + society of his wife." when she does not prefer to give her + company elsewhere.</p> + + <p><i>Birthright of an Englishman. (Popular traditionally but + strictly speaking supplementary</i>.)—"An Englishman's + house is his castle," but only the <i>pied à terre</i> of the + lawfully wedded sharer of his income.</p> + + <p class="author">OLD FATHER ANTIC.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—CLIMATE OF THE BRITISH ISLES.—As + the Gulf Stream produces such an effect on the English climate, + would it not be feasible to add to the heat of the water in + some way—say, by erecting powerful furnaces somewhere on + the south coast of Florida, or by turning the lava from a + volcano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into the sea? I am not + a man of science, but I should be glad to hear your opinion of + the scheme.—SUFFERER FROM COLD.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13281-h.htm or 13281-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/8/13281/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, March 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 25, 2004 [EBook #13281] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 28, 1891. + + + + +THE G.P.O. CUCKOO. + +[Illustration] + + It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray, + And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array; + To North and South the message went, to W. and E., + And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C.; + From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes. + As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for RAIKES. + + "Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng, + "Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long; + Yet since you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet employs, + We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of hoys. + Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes, + Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine RAIKES. + + "What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach the Public sense, + Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence. + Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss. + They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us. + And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes. + They have sown, but we shall reap it--'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES." + + * * * * * + + But _Punch_ was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red, + Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook his ancient head, + "RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to scorn + Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn. + Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes + Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to RAIKES. + + "You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees + That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees. + But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing + To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its sting: + And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes + A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman RAIKES!" + + * * * * * + +SOUND AND SAFE.--We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to be the new +Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry, "Who's +GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe Man." Good omen for +the Shaftesbury. + + * * * * * + +BAR BARRED! + + SCENE--_A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting + at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with + plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge + plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. Thomas's + Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under + consideration. Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under + examination_. + +_Junior Counsel_ (_for Promoters_). You have told us that there is a +cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan--in your opinion +do you think that the road passing; by Hoggsborough, coloured green, +could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge +over the River Crowe, coloured yellow? + +_Expert Witness_ (_with great deliberation, and illustrating his +remarks by references to a large plan_). In my opinion I think the +necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided +by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that +would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and +ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the +course of the Raisensworth, coloured black. + +_Junior Counsel_. Thank you--that will do. [_Sits down._ + +_First Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_suddenly entering from another +Committee Room, looking for his Junior--aside_). Where on earth have +we got to? + +_Chairman of Committee_. Is this witness cross-examined? + +_First C.-E. Q.C._ Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is +necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan? + +_Expert Witness_. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is +skirted, &c., &c. [_Repeats the answer he has already given._ + +_Second Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his learned +brother sits down_). One moment, please. Now you say that it is +absolutely necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, +by a bridge? + +_Expert Witness_. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler +Estate, &c., &c. [_Repeats his answer for the third time._ + +_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes +his seat_). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you +_their_ questions, I have to ask you _mine_. Be kind enough to say, +for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members +of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction +of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood +of--(_consulting plan_)--Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the +plan, and, as you will see, runs through the--(_inspects plan +closely_)--Swashbuckler Estate--yes, the Swashbuckler Estate--and +comes, as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near +Twaddlecomb--having now sufficiently indicated the locality, I +repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in your opinion, the +necessity of building a bridge over the River Raven--(_is prompted by +Junior_)--I should say, over the River Crowe--could be avoided? + +_Chairman of Committee_ (_interposing_). I would suggest that, as +this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused +further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the +examination-in-chief. + +_First C.-E. Q.C._ (_warmly_). I consider this an infringement of the +privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it +is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may +only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we +represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very +seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a +learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasionally +wanted elsewhere. + +_Second C.-E. Q.C._ (_indignantly_). Yes; and how can we attend to our +Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at once? + +_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_furiously_). You have no right to act upon an +old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation would ruin +us--and many of us have wives and children! + + [_Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave + imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary, N.B.--Up to + date the Tower is untenanted._ + + * * * * * + +"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW--PHOTOGRAPHS!"--MR. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., +having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street +Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, "to +enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished +legal gentlemen," regrets to say that, as he has already sat for +another Firm making the same request (see _Papers from Pump-handle +Court_), he is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, +he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded +to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he +"possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his +connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., +wishes the industrious Firm every success in their public-spirited +undertaking. + + * * * * * + +GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN. + +(A LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.) + +[Illustration: "WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!"] + + "Were I to go further into detail, I should show you that the + floodgates of (financial) abuse have been opened even to a + much larger extent than I have described. We are getting into + a system under which Parliament is treated, and the country is + treated, to the exhibition of fictitious surpluses of revenue + over expenditure."--_Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. + Goschen's Finance._ + + I. + + The backwater was snug and fair, + And the gay Canoeist cavorted there. + Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere + A reputation for pluck and stay!" + Amidst the reeds the river ran; + Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan, + And loudly did lament + The better deeds of a better day; + Ever the gray Canoeist went on, + Making his memos. as he went. + + II. + + "My foes are piqued, I must suppose, + But cannot see their way to a 'Cry.'" + (So mused the man with the Semite nose, + As up the backwater he swept.) + "What I like" (said he) "in this nook so shy, + Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow, + Squaring accounts at my own sweet will. + With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill! + The Swan's as quiet as though he slept. + I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow!" + + III. + + The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole, + Snorting with furious joy. + Hidden by rushes he yet drew near, + Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear + Those snortings fell, both full and clear. + Floating about the backwater shy, + Stronger and stronger the shindy stole, + Filling the startled Canoeist with fear; + And the jubilant jobating voice, + With menaces meaning and manifold, + Flowed forth on a "snorter" clear and bold + (As when a party-procession rejoice + With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of gold), + Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold, + And over his paddle he crouched and rolled; + And he wished himself from that nook afar + (If it were but reading the evening star): + And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed, + And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed, + He walloped into that paddler gay + (Bent on enjoying his holiday). + He smote him here, and he spanked him there, + Upset his "balance," rumpled his hair. + "I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding pinions, + "To come intruding in _my_ dominions!" + And the frightened flags, and the startled reeds, + And the willow-branches hoar and dank, + And the shaking rushes and wobbling weeds, + And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank, + And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng + (Who yelled at seeing him going so strong) + Were flooded and fluttered by that Stentor song! + + * * * * * + +THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET.--"_Floreat Etona!_" by all means, +and may "HENRY's holy shade" never be less! But doesn't it seem rather +like a contradiction in terms, for Old Etonians to sit down to an +Eaten Dinner?--Yours, once removed, + +A SIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORM! + +"GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT A SWELL! WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT? WEDDING +BREAKFAST?" + +"OH NO; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. _MUST_ BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN +I GO TO SEE _HIM_. HE'S SO BEASTLY CRITICAL!"] + + * * * * * + +ABOUT THE COURT. + +At the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the illustrated +House Programme, is "Licensed by the London County Council to the +Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN WOOD and Mr. A. CHUDLEIGH,"--is the LORD +CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this quarter? (how can there be a Court +without a Lord Chamberlain?), and, "under which king, Bezonian?" Was +it in the days of _The Happy Land?_--but no matter. To resume. At the +aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed an original Farce, +in Three Acts, written by Mr. R.R. LUMLEY. Ah! Ah! LUMLEY, this +isn't quite up to your other piece, _Aunt Jack._ Mrs. JOHN WOOD +is invaluable, and keeps the game alive throughout; while ARTHUR +CECIL's _Duke of Donoway_--not a Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical +circumstances--is excellent. WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, but in +make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems mixed up with +one or two others that he has played, and is very far from being in +the same category with _Aunt Jack's_ crushed Solicitor. BRANDON THOMAS +as _Captain Roland Gurney, R.N._, is very natural. _The Office Boy_ +of Master WILSON and the little _Gridd_ of Master WESTGATE (very near +Birchington when the boy is in Mrs. WOOD's hands), are capital. Miss +CARLOTTA LECLERCQ's _Duchess_ is equal to the occasion. The two girls' +parts are unnatural and uninteresting. What ought to make the success +of the piece is the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing +"_The Wolf_," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends +in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if this +situation had been so contrived,--as it might have been, allow me +to say,--as to end the Act, the Curtain falling on the climax, the +dashing down of the enraged musician's song and the exit of the +Duke, the run of _The Volcano_ would have been insured from now to +Christmas. Is it too late to retrieve this? To quote the title of +one of ANTHONY TROLLOPE's novels, "I say No!" There is so much that +is genuinely funny in the piece, that if the alteration is done +with a will, _hic et nunc_, why within a week the piece could be +fixed securely in its place for the London season, and beyond it. +Let funny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and come out as +the flaxen-headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And a word in his +ear,--SOTHERN fashioned _Lord Dundreary_ out of a worse part than +this. _The Volcano_ shouldn't "bust up." That's my opinion, as + +A FRIEND AT COURT. + + * * * * * + +A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM. + +From the _Queen_. A Correspondent writes:-- + +"JOURNALISM.--I want to become a Dramatic Critic; how should I begin? +I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember +the plot of the play afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors +prefer?--_Histrionica_." + +Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing School for +Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for Critics? The Master +would take his pupils to the Theatre regularly, and could lecture on +the Play as it proceeded. Should Managers and Actors be so blind to +the best interests of their Art as to refuse to allow the play to be +stopped from time to time to allow of the Instructor's remarks, then +he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his pupils +into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, where he could give +his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a Scene or an Act every +night,--and if they paid for their places (a reduction being made +for a quantity), the particular drama they patronised would be +considerably benefited by this plan. + +There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these critical +scholars--say Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate gown, and portable +mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. There might be a row +reserved for them at the back of the Dress Circle, and twenty-five +per cent. reduction on tickets for a series. The M.C., or Master of +Critics, would take a fee for a course from each pupil. Fee to include +seat at theatre, instruction, _and supper afterwards_. + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE,--"Hallo!" +being the recognised telephonic summons in use between companies +and individuals of all nationalities, may be already considered as +"Hallo'd by a variety of associations." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. I.--ROSMERSHOeLM (CONCLUDED.) + +ACT III. + + _Sitting-room at Rosmershoelm. Sun shining outside in the + Garden. Inside REBECCA WEST is watering a geranium with + a small watering-pot. Her crochet antimacassar lies in + the arm-chair. Madam HELSETH is rubbing the chairs with + furniture-polish from a large bottle. Enter ROSMER, with his + hat and stick in his hand. Madam HELSETH corks the bottle + and goes out to the right._ + +_Rebecca_. Good morning, dear. (_A moment after--crocheting._) Have +you seen Rector KROLL's paper this morning? There's something about +_you_ in it. + +_Rosmer_. Oh, indeed? (_Puts down hat and stick, and takes up paper._) +H'm! (_Reads--then walks about the room._) KROLL _has_ made it hot for +me. (_Reads some more._) Oh, this is _too_ bad! REBECCA, they _do_ say +such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a renegade--and I +can't _think_ why! They _mustn't_ go on like this. All that is good in +human nature will go to ruin if they're allowed to attack an excellent +man like me! Only think, if I can make them see how unkind they have +been! + +_Reb._ Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious object to +attain--and I wish you may get it! + +_Rosmer_. Thanks. I think I shall. (_Happens to look through window, +and jumps._) Ah, no, I shan't--never now. I have just seen-- + +[Illustration] + +_Reb._ _Not_ the White Horse, dear? We must really not overdo that +White Horse! + +_Rosmer_. No--the mill-race, where BEATA--(_Puts on his hat--takes it +off again._) I'm beginning to be haunted by--no, I _don't_ mean the +horse--by a terrible suspicion that BEATA may have been right after +all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of it, that I must really +have been in love with you from the first. Tell me _your_ opinion. + +_Reb._ (_struggling with herself, and still crocheting._) Oh--I can't +exactly say--such an odd question to ask me! + +_Rosmer_ (_shakes his head_). Perhaps; I have no sense of humour--no +respectable Norwegian _has_--and I _do_ want to know--because, you +see, if I _was_ in love with you, it was a _sin_, and if I once +convinced myself of that-- + + [_Wanders across the room._ + +_Reb._ (_breaking out_). Oh, these old ancestral prejudices! Here is +your hat, and your stick, too; go and take a walk. + + [ROSMER takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and takes + a walk; presently Madam HELSETH appears, and tells REBECCA + something. REBECCA tells _her_ something. They whisper + together. Madam H. nods, and shows in Rector KROLL, who + keeps his hat in his hand, and sits on a chair._ + +_Kroll_. I merely called for the purpose of informing you that I +consider you an artful and designing person, but that, on the whole, +considering your birth and moral antecedents, you know--(_nods at +her_)--it is not surprising. (_REBECCA walks about, wringing her +hands_) Why, what _is_ the matter? Did you really not know that you +had no right to your father's name? I'd no _idea_ you would mind my +mentioning such a trifle! + +_Reb._ (_breaking out_). I _do_ mind. I am an emancipated enigma, +but I retain a few little prejudices still. I _don't_ like owning +to my real age, and I _do_ prefer to be legitimate. And, after your +information--of which I was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late +Mrs. GAMVIK, never _once_ alluded to it--I feel I must confess +everything. Strong-minded advanced women are like that. Here is +ROSMER. (ROSMER _enters with his hat and stick._) ROSMER, I want to +tell you and Rector KROLL a little story. Let us sit down, dear, +all three of us. (_They sit down, mechanically, on chairs._) A long +time ago, before the play began--(_in a voice scarcely audible_)--in +Ibsenite dramas, all the interesting things somehow _do_ happen before +the play begins-- + +_Rosmer_. But, REBECCA, I _know_ all this. KROLL--(_looks hard at +her_). Perhaps I had better go? + +_Reb._ No--I will be short--this was it. I wanted to take my share +in the life of the New Era, and march onward with ROSMER. There +was one dismal, insurmountable barrier--(_to ROSMER, who nods +gravely_)--BEATA! I understood where your deliverance lay--and I +acted. _I_ drove BEATA into the mill-race ... There! + +_Rosmer_ (_after a short silence_). H'm! Well, KROLL--(_takes up his +hat_)--if you're thinking of walking home, I'll go too. I'm going to +be orthodox once more--after _this_! + +_Kroll_ (_severely and impressively, to_ REB.). A nice sort of young +woman _you_ are! [_Both go out hastily, without looking at REB._ + +_Reb._ (_speaks to herself, under her breath_). Now I _have_ done it. +I wonder _why_. (_Pulls bell-rope._) Madam HELSETH, I have just had a +glimpse of two rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-trunk. + + [_Enter Madam H., with large hair-trunk, as Curtain falls._ + +ACT IV. + + _Late evening. REBECCA WEST stands by a lighted lamp, with a + shade over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in a reticule, with a + faint smile. The antimacassar is on the sofa. Enter ROSMER._ + +_Rosmer_ (_seeing the sandwiches, &c._). Sandwiches? Then you _are_ +going I Why, on earth,--I _can't_ understand! + +_Reb._ Dear, you never _can_. Rosmershoelm is too much for me. But how +did you get on with KROLL? + +_Rosmer_. We have made it up. He has convinced me that the work of +ennobling men was several sizes too large for me--so I am going to let +it alone-- + +_Reb._ (_with her faint smile_). There I almost think, dear, that you +are wise. + +_Rosmer_ (_as if annoyed_). What, so _you_ don't believe in me either, +REBECCA--you never _did! [Sits listlessly on chair._ + +_Reb._ Not much, dear, when you are left to yourself--but I've another +confession to make. + +_Rosmer_. What, _another_? I really can't stand any more confessions +just now! + +_Reb._ (_sitting close to him_). It is only a little one. I bullied +BEATA into the mill-race--because of a wild uncontrollable-- (_ROSMER +moves uneasily._) Sit still, dear--uncontrollable fancy--for _you_! + +_Rosmer_ (_goes and sits on sofa_). Oh, my goodness, REBECCA--you +_mustn't_, you know! + + [_He jumps up and down as if embarrassed._ + +_Reb._ Don't be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. After living alone +with you in solitude, when you showed me all your thoughts without +reserve,--little by little, somehow the fancy passed off. I caught +the ROSMER view of life badly, and dulness descended on my soul as an +extinguisher upon one of our Northern dips. The ROSMER view of life is +ennobling, very--but hardly lively. And I've more yet to tell you. + +_Rosmer_ (_turning it off_). Isn't that enough for one evening P + +_Reb._ (_almost voiceless_). No, dear. I have a Past--_behind_ me! + +_Rosmer_. _Behind_ you? How strange. I had an idea of that sort +already. (_Starts, as if in fear._) A joke! (_Sadly._) Ah, no--_no_, +I must not give way to _that_! Never mind the Past, REBECCA; I +once thought that I had made the grand discovery that, if one is +only virtuous, one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too +original--an immature dream. What bothers me is that I can't--somehow +I _can't_--believe entirely in you--I am not even sure that I _have_ +ennobled you so very much--_isn't_ it terrible? + +_Reb._ (_wringing her hands_). Oh, this killing doubt! (_Looks darkly +at him._) Is there anything _I_ can do to convince you? + +_Rosmer_ (_as if impelled to speak against his will_). Yes, one +thing--only I'm afraid you wouldn't see it in the same light. And +yet I must mention it. It is like this. I want to recover faith in +my mission, in my power to ennoble human souls. And, as a logical +thinker, this I cannot do now, unless--well, unless you jump into the +mill-race, too, like BEATA! + +_Reb._ (_takes up her antimacassar, with composure, and puts it on her +head_). Anything to oblige you. + +_Rosmer_ (_springs up_). What? You really _will_! You are _sure_ you +don't mind? Then, REBECCA, I will go further. I will even go--yes--as +far as you go yourself! + +_Reb._ (_bows her head towards his breast_). You will see me off? +Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite. + + [_Smiles almost imperceptibly._ + +_Rosmer_ (_cautiously_). I said as far as _you_ go. I don't commit +myself further than that. Shall we go? + +_Reb._ First tell me this. Are _you_ going with _me_, or am _I_ going +with _you_? + +_Rosmer_. A subtle psychological point--but we have not time to think +it out here. We will discuss it as we go along. Come! + + [_ROSMER takes his hat and stick, REBECCA her reticule, with + sandwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through the door, which + they leave open. The room (as is not uncommon with rooms in + Norway) is left empty. Then Madam HELSETH enters through + another door._ + +_Madam H._ The cab, Miss--not here! (_Looks out._) Out together--at +this time of night--upon my--_not_ on the garden-seat? (_Looks out of +window._) My goodness! _what_ is that white thing on the bridge--the +_Horse_ at last! (_Shrieks aloud._) And those two sinful creatures +running home! + + _Enter ROSMER and REBECCA, _out of breath._ + +_Rosmer_ (_scarcely able to get the words out_). It's no use, +REBECCA--we must put it off till another evening. We can't be expected +to jump off a footbridge which already has a White Horse on it. And, +if it comes to that, why should we jump at all? I know now that I +really _have_ ennobled you, which was all _I_ wanted. What would +be the good of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a +mill-pond? No, REBECCA--(_lays his hand on her head_)--there is no +judge over us, and therefore-- + +_Reb._ (_interrupting gravely_). We will bind ourselves over in our +own recognisances to come up for judgment when called upon. + + [_Madam HELSETH holds on to a chair-back, REBECCA finishes + the antimacassar calmly as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +A GRAND OLD WETTERUN! + +I ain't bin werry well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was cort in +the Lizzard, I think, as they called it, on that awful Munday nite, +and that was pretty nearly a settler for both my old bones and my +breth, and might ha' bin quite so, if one of the werry kindest Members +of the old Copperashun as I nos on, who had bin a dining with a +jolly party on 'em, hadn't kindly directed my notise to about a harf +bottle-full of werry fine old Port, with the remarkabel kind words, +"That's just about what you wants, Mr. ROBERT, to take you ome safely +this most orful nite!" And so it were, and I didn't waste a single +drop on it. + +[Illustration: The "Tipper's" Strike.] + +However, I was obligated to have a good long rest, which I took out +mostly in sleep; but, jest as I was preparing to set out for the +"Grand Hotel," in comes my Son; and he says to me, "Guvnor," says +he--I notise as he allers calls me Guvnor when he wants me to do +sumthink--"I wants you to do me the favour to ask _Mr. Punch_ for +to do you a favour." "Why, what do you mean?" says I. "Why, this is +what I means," says he. "About the grandest feller as ewer in the +hole world gave up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make +hundreds of stupid boys into clever boys, and hundreds of bad boys +into good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a going +for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them hundreds of boys, +me among 'em, to sellybrate his Jewbilly, same as the QUEEN had the +other day. Ewery one of us as lives in London will jump at the chance; +but the boys as he turns out from the great City of Lundon Skool is +such reel fust-raters, that they gits snapped up direckly by Merchants +and peeple, and sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious +buzzinesses there, so we don't know how to get at 'em; but as _Mr. +Punch_ goes wherever any smart, clever English chap goes, if he wood +most kindly let this littel matter be mentioned, the grandest, and +sucksessfullest, ay, and wittiest Skool Master of modern times wood +get his dew reward." + +So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and this is +what I can add to them from my own knowlidg. There's sum of the old +boys, as isn't quite as yung as when they left Skool, as has formed a +club to dine together sumtimes, and tork of old times, like senserbel +fellers as they is; and Mr. JOSEPH HARRIS, the gennelman in question, +is allers there, and allers has to make a speech, and I am amost +allers there too; and, to hear the joyful shouts of arty welcome with +which his old pupils greets him when he rises for to speak, and their +roars of larfter at his wit, and his fun, and his good-humer, while he +is a speaking, is so wery remarkabel, that I sumtimes wanders whether +it doesn't, a good deal of it, rise from the fact of his great School +being so close to _Mr. Punch's_ own horfice. But this is over the way, +as the great writer says. May I be alowd to had that my speshal frend, +and hewerybody's speshal frend, Mr. COOKE, is reddy to receive any +number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A NEW PROVIDENCE.--"My life is in your hands," as the Autobiographist +said to his Publisher. + + * * * * * + +THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN. + +(_LATEST VERSION; SUGGESTED BY A CASE AT THE LONDON SESSIONS._) + + And did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman, + Who on the river his wherry did ply? + When rowing along with great skill and dexterity, + A Cask of Madeira it caught his pleased eye. + It looked so nice, he rowed up steadily, + Transferred that cask to his boat right readily; + And he eyed the dear drink with so eager an air, + For the name on the cask not a jot did he care. + + When smart EDDARD SAILL got that cask in his wherry, + He cleaned it out--partly--with swiggings not small, + And with his companions--what wonder?--made merry; + Madeira's a wine that's not tippled by all. + One fancies one hears 'em a laughing and cheering, + Says EDDARD, "My boys, this is better than beering! + A Waterman's life would be free from all care + If he often dropped on treasure trove like that there." + + And yet but to think now how strangely things happen! + They copped him for "larceny by finding,"--that's all! + But SAILL couldn't read, and the jury was kindly, + So EDDARD got off, though his chance appeared small. + Now would this young Waterman keep out of sorrow, + No derelict casks let him--shall we say, borrow? + Madeira is nice, but you'd best have a care, + Before swigging the wine, that it's yours fair and square! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Childhood and Youth of Dickens_, a sort of short postscript to +FORSTER's Life, very well got up by its publishers HUTCHINSON & Co., +will interest those who for the third or fourth time are going through +a course of DICKENS. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The best +pocket-book _must_ contain a calendar-diary, and as little printed +matter, and as much space for notes, as possible. No pocket-book +is perfect without some sort of patent pencil, of which the +writing-metal, when used on a damp surface, will serve as well as do +pen and ink on ordinary paper. Such a pocket-book with such a pencil +the Baron has long had in use, the product of JOHN WALKER & Co., of +Farringdon House. It should be called _The Walker Pocket-book, or +Pedestrian's Companion_; for, as "He who runs may read," so, with +this handy combination, "He who walks may write." The Baron is led to +mention this _a propos_ of a novelty by T.J. SMITH AND DOWNES, called +_The Self-registering Pocket Note-book_, a very neat invention, _qua_ +Note-book only, but of which only one size has the invaluable patent +pencil. The ordinary pencil entails carrying a knife, and, though +this is good for the cutler--"I know that man, he comes from +Sheffield"--yet it is a defect which is a constant source of worry +to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, Messrs. SMITH AND DOWNES' +artfulness in making the pencil serve as a marker, so that the latest +note can at once be found, is decidedly ingenious, and may probably be +found most useful. _Experientia docet: Baronius tentabit._ + +While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank Messrs. +CASSELL & Co. for the pocket volumes of the _National Library_ edited +by HENRY MORLEY, and ventures to recommend as a real travelling +companion, _Essays, Civil and Moral, by Francis Bacon_. In the +eighteenth Essay "Of Travel," the chief Diarists, "LETTS AND SON," +might find a motto for _their_ publications. The Baron directs their +attention to this side of BACON from which this is a slice,--"_Let +Diaries, therefore, be brought in use_." A new reading for advertising +purposes would change "Let" into "Letts," or Letts could be +interpolated in brackets. "A cheeky way of treating BACON," says the +Baron's friend little FUNNIMAN (Author of _Funniman's Poor Jokes_); +but, if nothing worse than this can be said against the Baron's +suggestion, why, "Letts adopt it," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING. + +(_The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist._) + +"WELL, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY, I'VE LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, AND THERE'S +ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO TO YOU THIS YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. + + "In the words of the Postmaster-General, spoken yesterday + (March 18th) from his room in St. Martin's-le-Grand, and + distinctly heard by the head of a corresponding department + in Paris, the triumph of the International Telephone is an + accomplished fact."--_Daily News_. + + _Hallo!--are you there_? That's the cue international, + Henceforth we'll hope, and we trust it may lead + To colloquies pleasant, relations more rational. + May "saucers" and tubes telephonic succeed + In setting the world "by the ears," in a fashion + Not meant by the men who invented that phrase. + May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion + Die out, like a craze! + + Why, bless us, and save us! We _ought_ to behave us + A little bit better for all our new light. + From incurable savagery nothing can save us + If Science can't cool down our fondness for fight. + With so many chances of "talking things over," + Like comrades in council, across the broad sea, + Nations ought to be nice, as a girl and her lover + At five o'clock tea! + + Eh? _Vox et praeterea nihil_? What matter + How close ears may seem if the hearts are apart? + Humph! Nothing go easy as cynical chatter; + Distrust's diplomatic, and satire sounds "smart." + But, as RAIKES suggests, there _is_ something in hearing + The "great human voice" o'er some three hundred miles, + In spite of the scorn that's so given to sneering, + The hate that reviles. + + One wonders what TALLEYRAND, subtle old schemer! + Would think of the Telephone were _he_ alive. + Wits sniff at the _savant_, and mock at the dreamer, + Who else, though, so hard for humanity strive? + BELLONA's sworn backers are woefully numerous; + Peace, let us pray, may claim this as _her_ friend; + The "Sentiment" flouted by swashbucklers humorous + Sways, at the end. + + If language was given our thoughts for concealing, + The Telephone--'tis but a travelling Voice!-- + Need not be the agent of reckless revealing, + And caution must often be candour's wise choice. + Unwisdom is sure to be sometimes caught napping, + And tongues may wag foolishly e'en through the wire. + Facilities freer for summary snapping + No sage can desire. + + Great diplomats, proud of their "able dispatches," + From trusting the tube with their wisdom may shrink. + The brain that in secret shrewd policies hatches, + May not care to canvas 'cute schemes "o'er a drink." + Yet times must be many when sense will be winner + By chatting of trifles, which nations have riled, + As freely as though _vis-a-vis_ at a dinner, + And carefully "tiled." + + Now England and France can thus gossip together, + And CARNOT and SALISBURY thus hob-a-nob, + We'll hope for set-fair international weather. + Our RAIKES and their ROCHE appear well "on the job." + The Telephone's triumph at least is not sinister. + Things should go easier somehow--with care, + When patriot Minister greets patriot Minister, + "_Hallo!--are you there?_" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER TELEPHONIC SUGGESTION.--Connect the Theatres and Opera Houses +by Telephone with all the Clubs. On payment of a fixed charge, any +member should be able to hear just as much of the piece or Opera as he +might require. Something above the price of a Stall to be the maximum +charge for one person to hear entire Opera. For half the Opera, say +six shillings; for a quarter of it, three-and-six. For hearing one +song in it, eighteen-pence; and, if certain songs be in great demand, +the prices could be raised. + + * * * * * + +EPIGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF MOST PUBLIC BANQUETS WITH POSTPRANDIAL +ORATORY.--"Stuff and Nonsense." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. + +LORD SALISBURY. "HALLO!" + +M. LE PRESIDENT. "HALLO!" + +LORD SALISBURY. "YOU THERE?" + +M. LE PRESIDENT. "ALL THERE!" + +LORD SALISBURY. "CAN YOU SUGGEST AN _ENTREE_ FOR DINNER?" + +M. LE PRESIDENT. "_HOMARD AU GRATIN_,--AND, BY THE WAY, HOW ABOUT +NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION?" + +LORD SALISBURY. "NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YOU!!!" + +[_Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, March 23rd._]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUFFERING ON THE "SILVER STREAK." + +THESE GENTLEMEN (AFTER A FEW HOURS' REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN +FAVOUR OF THE PROPOSED CHANNEL TUBULAR RAILWAY.] + + * * * * * + +HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK. + +(_NEW STYLE._) + + In healthier times, when friends would meet + Their friends in chamber, park, or street, + Each, as hereunder, each would greet. + + Tour level hand went forth; you clasped + Your crony's; each his comrade's grasped-- + If roughly, neither friend was rasped. + + Such was the good old-fashioned one + Of honest British "How d'ye do?" + I think it manly still--don't you? + + But _now_, when smug acquaintance hails + A set that would be "smart," but fails, + Another principle prevails. + + The arm, in lifted curve displayed, + Droops limply o'er the shoulder-blade, + As needing some chirurgeon's aid: + + The wrist is wrenched of JONES and BROWN, + Those ornaments of London Town; + Their listless fingers dribble down: + + BROWN reaches to the knuckle-bones + Of thus-excruciated JONES; + BROWN's hand the same affliction owns. + + At length his finger-tips have pressed + The fingers of his JONES distressed: + Both curvatures then sink to rest. + + A sort of anguish lisped proceeds + Prom either's mouth, but neither heeds + The other's half-heroic deeds. + + Exhausted, neither much can say; + Complacent, each pursues his way; + And JONES and BBOWN have lived to-day. + + For both have sought by strenuous strain + To demonstrate, in face of pain, + That friends they were, and friends remain. + + Ah, wonderful! Can Poets deem + Self-sacrifice a fading dream? + Are salutations what they seem? + + Is BROWN some Altruist in disguise, + And JONES an Ibsenite likewise, + That thus they flop and agonise?-- + + Or are the pair affected fools, + Who catch by rote the silly rules + Of third-rate fashionable schools? + + * * * * * + +COURT COLD! + +(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A CHAPERON._) + +They commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day's doings would +be a terrible ordeal, but she came of a bold and sturdy race, and +felt herself equal to any emergency. And so as the morning broke--as +daylight crept through the foggy air--she prepared for the sacrifice. +Yes, sacrifice; for was it not a sacrifice to barter away youth, +pride, nay, life itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me--but +away with vain regret! + +I have been told since that they were hours and hours arranging her +toilette. So long did it take that she was scarcely able to break +her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of tea, and if rumour is to be +credited, a couple of slices of thin bread-and-butter! Well, it is +over now, and I can think of it almost without tears! + +I called for her shortly after noon--for the lot had fallen upon me, +and I was destined to attend her to her doom--she was very calm, and +even smiled as I kissed her. She shivered a little as she sank beside +me. I bade her to wrap her shawl more closely around her, and after +she had complied with my command she seemed more at ease. + +And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were surrounded by +a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and mocking at us! My charge +clung to me for protection. The laughter and the jeers increased +tenfold. Then I cast her away from me roughly, whereupon followed +yells mixed with savage laughter. She, poor girl, regained her +composure, and gazed at the multitude with the dignity of an outraged +queen. And _they_ laughed the more! Laughed the more! + +At length we were set free, and made our way to a large apartment, +where we were divested of our wraps, and left in costumes better +adapted to late June than to early March, or mid-December. We were +then ordered to advance. We were driven from one bitterly cold room +to another, until we knew not whether the blood was circulating in +our veins, or had frozen. We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor +creatures pushed against us, and fought with us. The great object of +everyone was to get to the end of our journey! + +She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away the yards +of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out behind. Then her +name was uttered, or, rather, mispronounced. She sank on her knees; +and, on regaining her feet, was hustled away, to follow a number of +fellow-victims who had been treated with like indignity. + +Once more there was the bitter cold. This time the draughts were met +in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance arrived to move us +on--she to stand for a couple of hours amidst gossiping friends, and I +to go to bed. + +But the seeds of death were sown! She never recovered the shock, and +an addition to the inscriptions above the family-vault tells of her +early decease! + +And who was this poor girl? A homeless one, wandering the streets +of London? or a political prisoner, on her way to Siberia? Neither! +She was merely a _debutante_, attending her first (and last) Spring +Drawing-room at Buckingham Palace! + + * * * * * + +NOTE (_by Our Own Noodle_).--_Father Buonaparte_, at the Olympic, +judging from the account of it in the _Times_, seems to consist of +"a part" for our WILSON BARRETT, the remainder being skeletonish, or +"boney." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MATTHEWS AT HOME." (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD +ENTERTAINMENT.)] + + * * * * * + +RAIKES REX! + + Somebody once said that ultimately the Solar System would + probably become a branch of the General Post Office. The + present Postmaster-General is obviously of opinion that that + state of things has already come about. + + To rule a realm as limitless as space, + With the great G.P.O. as Central Sun, + RAIKES is the man. Of Great Panjandrum race, + He's Autocrat and Oracle in one. + The Universe indeed were no great shakes + Without RAIKES _Rex_ for Ruler. _Vivat_ RAIKES!!! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March_ 16.--House of Commons really looked +to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack of matter for quarrel. +Even before public business was reached, Orders bristled with Motions +raising controversial points. Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL, that man of peace, +was to the fore; his Bill, extending Manchester. Sheffield, and +Lincolnshire Railway into London _via_ Lord's Cricket Ground, down for +Second Reading. That redoubtable Parliamentary Archer BAUMANN also +on alert. Has taken under his personal charge the social and material +welfare of Metropolis; at one time HARRY LAWSON, on other side of +House, disputed supremacy of position with him. But, as SARK says, +BAUMANN has immense advantage of making Liberal speeches from +Conservative side. + +"If," says SARK, "I had to begin my Parliamentary life again, I would +sit for a Tory borough, and advocate Radical notions. If it were +possible, I would, with such a programme, like to represent one of the +Universities, Oxford for choice. There's a sameness about fellows who +fret up from Liberal benches and spout Radicalism, or about men who +talk Toryism from the Conservative camp. It's what was expected; what +the House of Commons enjoys is the unexpected. GRANDOLPH knows that +very well. If he'd come out as a Liberal, he wouldn't have been half +the power he is. The secret of success in political life, my young +friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself with light. The +thing doesn't hold good in the converse direction. A man sitting on +Liberal benches, and talking Toryism, will gain cheers from other +side, but not much else. Look at HORSMAN in the past; look at JOKIM +in the present. Certainly he is CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; but, even +with that, I suppose you wouldn't call him a political success?" + +[Illustration: Cupid's Bowman.] + +SARK a little prosy and opinionated; otherwise a good fellow. Whilst +his homily in progress ground considerably cleared. Manchester, +Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Bill put oft till to-morrow; Kensington +Subway Bill withdrawn; BAUMANN triumphant. Still remained public +business; OLD MORALITY led off with proposal to take Tuesdays and +Fridays for morning sittings and Opposition mustered in great force; +Mr. G. present, glowing with his own eulogy on ARTEMIS. OLD MORALITY +moved Resolution with deprecatory deferential manner; only desire +was to do his duty to QUEEN and Country and meet the convenience of +Honourable Gentlemen sitting in whatever part of the House they might +find themselves. Evidently expected outburst of indignant refusal, +long debate, and a big division. Some indignation, but little debate +and no division. Everyone on Opposition Benches seemed to expect +some one else to declare himself irreconcilable. When question put, a +pause; no one rose to continue the successive brief speeches; before +you could say JAMES FERGUSON, Government had, on this 16th of March, +practically secured all working time for remainder of Session. + +"I feel like CLIVE," said OLD MORALITY; "or was it WARREN HASTINGS? +Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation." + +[Illustration: THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS.] + +_Business done_,--Morning Sittings arranged for rest of Session. + +_Tuesday_.--"Lords" and Commons came in conflict to-day under novel +circumstances. Lord TANNEL-CHUNNEL, pending settlement of question +about making his Channel Tunnel, is promoting new trunk line of +railway. Means to bring the Manchester, Sheffield and Lincoln line +straight into London; terminus comes in by Lord's Cricket Ground; +invades the sweet simplicity of St. John's Wood; artistic population +of that quarter up in arms; shriek protest in Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL's +ear, and shake at him the angry fist. But TANNEL-CHUNNEL not a Baron +easily turned aside from accomplishment of his projects. Squares +Committee of "Lords"; impresses into support of his scheme +representatives of all the big towns on the route; Manchester, +Nottingham, Leicester, all cheer him on; Liberals, Conservatives, +Dissentient Liberals, swell his majority. Second Reading of Bill +carried by more than two to one. + +"How's that, Umpire?" CHUNNEL-TANNEL asked, carrying out his bat. +"Well played, indeed!" said the SPEAKER. + +Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore would stain the +floor of House. BARNES and WIGGINS were in it, but what it was all +about not quite clear. Something to do with a coal-truck. As far as +could be made out from choked utterances of BARNES, there had at some +remote period been a coal-truck despatched to London by the Midland +route. Something happened to it; either it was delayed, or it arrived +empty, or it didn't arrive at all. However, it was quite clear to +BARNES that the time had come when a new line of railway giving direct +access to London from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. WIGGINS +observed to be wriggling in his seat during the BARNES oration. Made +several attempts to catch SPEAKER's eye; at length succeeded; his +suppressed fury was terrible to behold: his rage Titanic. He at least +knew all about that coal-truck; though, as far as House was concerned, +he did not succeed in lifting the mystery in which BARNES had +enveloped it. Whether it was WIGGINS's coal, or merely WIGGINS's +truck; whether WIGGINS happened to be in the truck when it went +astray; or whether it was BARNES that was in it; or whether nothing +was in it but the coal; or whether, coming back to an earlier point, +there was no coal in the truck when it did (or did not) arrive at St. +Pancras: these were questions the House vainly pursued, withered, as +it was, under the wrath of WIGGINS The only point clearly perceived +was, that BIGGINS is a director of Midland Railway. + +[Illustration: "About that Coal Truck?"] + +In ordinary circumstances there are not to be found in House two +more affable men than BARNES and WIGGINS. Amongst many other virtues, +WIGGINS is, SARK tells me, one of the best judges of cigars in House, +and is never without a sample in his case. It is sad to think that a +man so gifted by nature, so favoured by fortune, should let his angry +passions rise round a coal-truck. House, contemplating the episode, +glad to shut it out by rushing off to Division Lobby. _Business +done_.--Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway Bill, Read a +Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103. + +_Thursday_.--House engaged in considering Lords' Amendments to +Tithes Bill. Things as dull as usual; House nearly empty; walk about +corridors through tea-room, newspaper-room, and library; almost +deserted; in smoking-room came upon little group playing cards; three +of them; SOLICITOR-GENERAL, CHABLES RUSSELL, and ASQUITH, LOCKWOOD +looking on. + +"I suppose," I said, "they're playing whist; why don't you make up the +hand?" + +"Whisht! it's not whist!" LOCKWOOD whispered, keeping his eye closely +fixed on game. "It's Baccarat. (Ah! CLARKE! I saw you. Come, pay up. +You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby Court case you know. I'm +not in it, but my learned brethren here hold briefs on either side, +and they say they are bound, in the interests of their clients, to +master the intricacies of the game. I must say they have managed very +successfully to subordinate their horror of gambling. RUSSELL, you +know, has a positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says, +a Barrister must sometimes put his prejudices in his pocket. ASQUITH +brings to the game a serious aspect that positively sanctifies it. +As for EDWARD CLARKE, he's wonderfully nimble. He was trying _la +poucette_ just now when I called out to him. As everything turns upon +this, my learned friends say they must make themselves acquainted +with it. But I hope it won't lead to any breaking up of families. I'm +told the Judges who are likely to be trying cases in London before +Whitsuntide, impelled by a similar sense of duty, are also studying +Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have developed a wonderful talent. +As a family man, and Recorder of Sheffield, I'm glad I'm not briefed +in the case." + +[Illustration: "Young Harry"] + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill. + +_Friday_.--Young HARRY LAWSON, with his beaver up, moved Resolution +approving the opening for certain hours, and under special +regulations, of the National Museums and Galleries, closed in +London to the public on Sundays, made capital and convincing speech; +supported by men like JOHN LUBBOCK, and, from Conservative side, +MAYNE and ELCHO. Earlier in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel, Hoxton, +Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green, had been heard by petition, praying +for the boon. But dear old ROBERT FOWLER knows better what is good +for the people. Opposed Motion. OLD MORALITY, who never goes into his +picture gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Saturday, whipped up +Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against 39. + +Mr. BUNG, who had been watching Debate from Distinguished Strangers' +Gallery, hugely delighted. "S'elp me," he said, "that'll stop +their little game for this Parliament, at least. What do they mean +hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go opening your bloomin' +mooseums and picter galleries on Sunday afternoons, _what's to become +of ME?_" + +_Business done_.--Mr. BUNG's; and very effectively, too. + + * * * * * + +"FLAT, STALE, AND UNPROFITABLE." + + HAMPDEN, farewell! Ere this you may have found + The World you swore was flat is really round. + But many a man, with brains beneath his hat. + Swears that the World is round, and finds it flat. + + * * * * * + +THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE. + +(_MARCH 21. OXFORD WON BY HALF A LENGTH._) + + Great ZEUS! was ever such a race since 1829, + When WORDSWORTH, SELWYN, MERIVALE began the mighty line, + First of the stalwart heroes who matched their straining thews, + And on great Thames's tide have fought the battle of the Blues? + Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his pen: + Still is there pluck in England, and still her sons are Men. + And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, or rain, + With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and spurt again. + A health to you, brave AMPTHILL; the cheering echoes far; + For FLEICHER and the NICKALLS' lads--_nobile fratrum par_. + A shout goes up for WILKINSON, the stalwart and the strong, + For REGGIE ROWE, and dauntless KENT, who kept the stroke so long. + For POOLE, the tidy bowman, and HEYWOOD-LONSDALE too; + Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant Oxford Crew. + Nor,--though the years speed onward, and others wield the oar, + Though others race and win or lose where we have raced before; + Though others, while we watch the sport, should play as we have played, + And scorn us prosy greybeards--shall ELIN's glory fade? + NOBLE, and LORD, and FRANCKLYN, they each shall have their cheer, + And BRADDON, small, but quick of eye, who craftily did steer, + And ROWLATT, and FOGG-ELLIOTT, and LANDALE, of the Hall, + And FISON, sturdy Corpus man--we cheer and praise them all. + _Punch_ loves all sturdy men and true, by whom great deeds are done, + And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews of '91. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL MAXIMS. + +(_Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and +Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal._) + +_Common Law_.--"The tradition of ages shall prevail," save when it +runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily paper. + +_Equity_.--(1). "No right shall be without a remedy," save when it is +sentimentally suggested that somebody's right may be somebody else's +wrong. + +(2.) "Equity follows the law," at such a distance that it never comes +up with it. + +(3.) "Equity is equality," save when a man's wife is literally his +better half. + +(4.) "Where there is equal equity the law must prevail," in any view +it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time +being. + +(5.) "Where the equities are equal the law prevails," in any course it +likes to pursue. + +(6.) "Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done," +especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the suitor ultimately +finds himself sold. + +_Contracts_.--(1.) "All contracts are construed according to the +intentions of the parties," save where one of them subsequently +changes his mind. + +(2.) "The construction should be liberal" enough to suit the fancy of +the Judge who enforces it. + +(3.) "It should be favourable" to a long and angry correspondence in +all the principal newspapers. + +(4) "The contract should in general be construed according to the law +of the country where made," but certainly not in particular. + +(5.) "That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to explain a +written contract," save when someone suggests that this practice shall +be reversed. + +(6.) "He who employs an agent does it himself," unless it is +considered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter. + +_Parent and Child_.--"A father shall have the custody of his +children," except when they get beyond his control and defy his +authority. + +_Landlord and Tenant_.--"A landlord has a right to receive his rent," +if the tenant does not spend the money on something else. + +_Husband and Wife_.--"A man has a right to the society of his wife." +when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere. + +_Birthright of an Englishman. (Popular traditionally but strictly +speaking supplementary_.)--"An Englishman's house is his castle," but +only the _pied a terre_ of the lawfully wedded sharer of his income. + +OLD FATHER ANTIC. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--CLIMATE OF THE BRITISH ISLES.--As the Gulf Stream +produces such an effect on the English climate, would it not be +feasible to add to the heat of the water in some way--say, by erecting +powerful furnaces somewhere on the south coast of Florida, or by +turning the lava from a volcano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into +the sea? I am not a man of science, but I should be glad to hear your +opinion of the scheme.--SUFFERER FROM COLD. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 13281.txt or 13281.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/2/8/13281/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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