diff options
Diffstat (limited to '13281-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 13281-0.txt | 1298 |
1 files changed, 1298 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/13281-0.txt b/13281-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe49d87 --- /dev/null +++ b/13281-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1298 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13281 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +March 28, 1891. + + + + +THE G.P.O. CUCKOO. + +[Illustration] + + It was a gallant Postmaster that armed him for the fray, + And, oh, his eyes were gleaming as he summoned his array; + To North and South the message went, to W. and E., + And where, 'mid piles of ledgers, men make money in E.C.; + From Highgate Hill to Putney one cry the echoes wakes. + As the Postmen don their uniforms and shout aloud for RAIKES. + + "Brave Postmen," spake an officer, who gazed upon the throng, + "Ye tramp the streets by day and night, your hours are very long; + Yet since you love the G.P.O. that thus your feet employs, + We must not see you flouted by a perky pack of hoys. + Swift rally round the Master who quavers not nor quakes, + Our Red Knight of the Pillar-Box, the adamantine RAIKES. + + "What? 'The Public want the Messengers'? We'll teach the Public sense, + Which consists in looking pleasant while we pocket all their pence. + Though the papers rave, we care not for their chatter and their fuss. + They must keep at home their messages, or send them all through Us. + And we'll crush these boy-intruders as a mongoose crushes snakes. + They have sown, but we shall reap it--'tis the will of Mr. RAIKES." + + * * * * * + + But _Punch_ was there, and listened, and his angry face grew red, + Like the tape that RAIKES delights in, and he shook his ancient head, + "RAIKES," he cried, "I doubt your wisdom, and I much incline to scorn + Those who trespass on their neighbour's land, and cart away his corn. + Let the man who makes the oven and laboriously bakes + Take the profit on the loaves he sells, nor yield it all to RAIKES. + + "You say you'll do the thing yourself: Monopoly decrees + That, if boys go making honey, they must lose it, like the bees. + But, oh, be warned, my Postmaster, it's not a pleasant thing + To incur a bee's resentment and to suffer from its sting: + And (to change my humble parallel) I like not him who takes + A nest prepared by others, like the Cuckoo-Postman RAIKES!" + + * * * * * + +SOUND AND SAFE.--We hear that Mr. W.H. GRIFFITHS is to be the new +Lessee of the Shaftesbury. Years ago, to the popular inquiry, "Who's +GRIFFITHS?" there was but one answer, "The Safe Man." Good omen for +the Shaftesbury. + + * * * * * + +BAR BARRED! + + SCENE--_A Parliamentary Committee Room. Committee sitting + at horse-shoe table. Bar crowded at table covered with + plans, custards, buns, agreements, and ginger-beer. Huge + plans hanging to walls. View in distance of St. Thomas's + Hospital. East-West Diddlesex Railway Extension Bill under + consideration. Expert Witness standing at reading-desk under + examination_. + +_Junior Counsel_ (_for Promoters_). You have told us that there is a +cutting at Burnt House Mill, coloured red in plan--in your opinion +do you think that the road passing; by Hoggsborough, coloured green, +could be so diverted as to avoid the necessity of throwing a bridge +over the River Crowe, coloured yellow? + +_Expert Witness_ (_with great deliberation, and illustrating his +remarks by references to a large plan_). In my opinion I think the +necessity of building a bridge over the River Crowe may be avoided +by skirting the Swashbuckler Estate, and by making a new road that +would cross the proposed line by a level crossing at Twaddlecomb, and +ultimately reach Market Goosebury, coloured blue, by following the +course of the Raisensworth, coloured black. + +_Junior Counsel_. Thank you--that will do. [_Sits down._ + +_First Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_suddenly entering from another +Committee Room, looking for his Junior--aside_). Where on earth have +we got to? + +_Chairman of Committee_. Is this witness cross-examined? + +_First C.-E. Q.C._ Certainly, Sir. Now I think you say that it is +necessary to make a bridge over the River Crowe, coloured red in plan? + +_Expert Witness_. No; I say that if the Swashbuckler Estate is +skirted, &c., &c. [_Repeats the answer he has already given._ + +_Second Cross-Examining Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his learned +brother sits down_). One moment, please. Now you say that it is +absolutely necessary to pass the River Crowe, in plan coloured red, +by a bridge? + +_Expert Witness_. On the contrary, I say that if the Swashbuckler +Estate, &c., &c. [_Repeats his answer for the third time._ + +_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_entering hurriedly, as his predecessor resumes +his seat_). And now, Sir, that my learned friends have asked you +_their_ questions, I have to ask you _mine_. Be kind enough to say, +for the benefit of the Right Hon. Chairman and the Hon. Members +of the Committee, whether, in your opinion, in the construction +of the proposed line, where the road reaches the neighbourhood +of--(_consulting plan_)--Market Goosebury, coloured blue in the +plan, and, as you will see, runs through the--(_inspects plan +closely_)--Swashbuckler Estate--yes, the Swashbuckler Estate--and +comes, as you will see, if you refer to the chart, near +Twaddlecomb--having now sufficiently indicated the locality, I +repeat, will you be kind enough to say whether, in your opinion, the +necessity of building a bridge over the River Raven--(_is prompted by +Junior_)--I should say, over the River Crowe--could be avoided? + +_Chairman of Committee_ (_interposing_). I would suggest that, as +this question has been answered three times, the witness be excused +further examination at the hands of Counsel not present at the +examination-in-chief. + +_First C.-E. Q.C._ (_warmly_). I consider this an infringement of the +privileges of the Bar. The Right Hon. Chairman must remember that it +is possible that a single reference in the examination-in-chief may +only require cross-examination on the part of the Clients whom we +represent. Besides, an expert witness's examination-in-chief is very +seldom shaken, and all we can possibly want is a note taken by a +learned friend who has acted as a Junior. All of us are occasionally +wanted elsewhere. + +_Second C.-E. Q.C._ (_indignantly_). Yes; and how can we attend to our +Clients' interests if we are not allowed to be in two places at once? + +_Third C.-E. Q.C._ (_furiously_). You have no right to act upon an +old ruling that was never enforced. Why, such a regulation would ruin +us--and many of us have wives and children! + + [_Exeunt defiantly, to return, later on, ready to brave + imprisonment in the Clock Tower, if necessary, N.B.--Up to + date the Tower is untenanted._ + + * * * * * + +"IN THE NAME OF THE LAW--PHOTOGRAPHS!"--MR. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., +having received a respectful invitation from some Brook Street +Photographers to favour them (without charge) with a sitting, "to +enable them to complete their series of portraits of distinguished +legal gentlemen," regrets to say that, as he has already sat for +another Firm making the same request (see _Papers from Pump-handle +Court_), he is unable to comply with their courteous request. However, +he is pleased to hear that a similar petition has been forwarded +to others of his learned friends, one of whom writes to say, he +"possesses a wig, and the right to wear it, but that there his +connection with the Law begins and ends." Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, Junr., +wishes the industrious Firm every success in their public-spirited +undertaking. + + * * * * * + +GOSCHEN CUM DIG.; OR, THE (FAR FROM) DYING SWAN. + +(A LONG WAY AFTER LORD TENNYSON.) + +[Illustration: "WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS RECESS IS ITS PERFECT QUIET!"] + + "Were I to go further into detail, I should show you that the + floodgates of (financial) abuse have been opened even to a + much larger extent than I have described. We are getting into + a system under which Parliament is treated, and the country is + treated, to the exhibition of fictitious surpluses of revenue + over expenditure."--_Mr. Gladstone (at Hastings) on Mr. + Goschen's Finance._ + + I. + + The backwater was snug and fair, + And the gay Canoeist cavorted there. + Thinks he, "I have built up everywhere + A reputation for pluck and stay!" + Amidst the reeds the river ran; + Behind them floated a Grand Old Swan, + And loudly did lament + The better deeds of a better day; + Ever the gray Canoeist went on, + Making his memos. as he went. + + II. + + "My foes are piqued, I must suppose, + But cannot see their way to a 'Cry.'" + (So mused the man with the Semite nose, + As up the backwater he swept.) + "What I like" (said he) "in this nook so shy, + Is that I am quiet, and free as a swallow, + Squaring accounts at my own sweet will. + With never a fear of the Big Swan's Bill! + The Swan's as quiet as though he slept. + I fancy I've funked the fierce old fellow!" + + III. + + The Grand Old Swan came out of his hole, + Snorting with furious joy. + Hidden by rushes he yet drew near, + Behind the Canoeist, until on his ear + Those snortings fell, both full and clear. + Floating about the backwater shy, + Stronger and stronger the shindy stole, + Filling the startled Canoeist with fear; + And the jubilant jobating voice, + With menaces meaning and manifold, + Flowed forth on a "snorter" clear and bold + (As when a party-procession rejoice + With drums, and trumpets, and with banners of gold), + Until the Canoeist's blood ran cold, + And over his paddle he crouched and rolled; + And he wished himself from that nook afar + (If it were but reading the evening star): + And the Swan he ruffled his plumes and hissed, + And with sounding buffets, which seldom missed, + He walloped into that paddler gay + (Bent on enjoying his holiday). + He smote him here, and he spanked him there, + Upset his "balance," rumpled his hair. + "I'll teach you," he cried, with pounding pinions, + "To come intruding in _my_ dominions!" + And the frightened flags, and the startled reeds, + And the willow-branches hoar and dank, + And the shaking rushes and wobbling weeds, + And the wave-worn horns of the echoing bank, + And the Grand Old Swan's admiring throng + (Who yelled at seeing him going so strong) + Were flooded and fluttered by that Stentor song! + + * * * * * + +THE PROPOSED OLD ETONIAN BANQUET.--"_Floreat Etona!_" by all means, +and may "HENRY's holy shade" never be less! But doesn't it seem rather +like a contradiction in terms, for Old Etonians to sit down to an +Eaten Dinner?--Yours, once removed, + +A SIXTH-FORMOSUS PUER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FORM! + +"GOOD HEAVENS! WHAT A SWELL! WHAT IS IT? TEA-FIGHT? WEDDING +BREAKFAST?" + +"OH NO; ONLY GOING TO MY TAILOR'S. _MUST_ BE DECENTLY DRESSED WHEN +I GO TO SEE _HIM_. HE'S SO BEASTLY CRITICAL!"] + + * * * * * + +ABOUT THE COURT. + +At the Royal Court Theatre, which, as I read on the illustrated +House Programme, is "Licensed by the London County Council to the +Proprietors, Mrs. JOHN WOOD and Mr. A. CHUDLEIGH,"--is the LORD +CHAMBERLAIN out of it in this quarter? (how can there be a Court +without a Lord Chamberlain?), and, "under which king, Bezonian?" Was +it in the days of _The Happy Land?_--but no matter. To resume. At the +aforesaid Court Theatre is now being performed an original Farce, +in Three Acts, written by Mr. R.R. LUMLEY. Ah! Ah! LUMLEY, this +isn't quite up to your other piece, _Aunt Jack._ Mrs. JOHN WOOD +is invaluable, and keeps the game alive throughout; while ARTHUR +CECIL's _Duke of Donoway_--not a Comedy Duke, but a Duke in farcical +circumstances--is excellent. WEEDON GROSSMITH is funny, but in +make-up, tone of voice, and mannerisms, the part seems mixed up with +one or two others that he has played, and is very far from being in +the same category with _Aunt Jack's_ crushed Solicitor. BRANDON THOMAS +as _Captain Roland Gurney, R.N._, is very natural. _The Office Boy_ +of Master WILSON and the little _Gridd_ of Master WESTGATE (very near +Birchington when the boy is in Mrs. WOOD's hands), are capital. Miss +CARLOTTA LECLERCQ's _Duchess_ is equal to the occasion. The two girls' +parts are unnatural and uninteresting. What ought to make the success +of the piece is the scene where WEEDON GROSSMITH volunteers to sing +"_The Wolf_," and everyone talks and chatters until the Babel ends +in an explosion. It convulses the house with laughter; and if this +situation had been so contrived,--as it might have been, allow me +to say,--as to end the Act, the Curtain falling on the climax, the +dashing down of the enraged musician's song and the exit of the +Duke, the run of _The Volcano_ would have been insured from now to +Christmas. Is it too late to retrieve this? To quote the title of +one of ANTHONY TROLLOPE's novels, "I say No!" There is so much that +is genuinely funny in the piece, that if the alteration is done +with a will, _hic et nunc_, why within a week the piece could be +fixed securely in its place for the London season, and beyond it. +Let funny little WEEDON reconsider his make-up, and come out as +the flaxen-headed M.P. of a Saxon constituency. And a word in his +ear,--SOTHERN fashioned _Lord Dundreary_ out of a worse part than +this. _The Volcano_ shouldn't "bust up." That's my opinion, as + +A FRIEND AT COURT. + + * * * * * + +A SCHOOL OF CRITICISM. + +From the _Queen_. A Correspondent writes:-- + +"JOURNALISM.--I want to become a Dramatic Critic; how should I begin? +I am fond of going to the theatre, but find it difficult to remember +the plot of the play afterwards. What kind of notices do Editors +prefer?--_Histrionica_." + +Isn't it Mr. DAVID ANDERSON who has set up a flourishing School for +Journalists? Why shouldn't there be a School for Critics? The Master +would take his pupils to the Theatre regularly, and could lecture on +the Play as it proceeded. Should Managers and Actors be so blind to +the best interests of their Art as to refuse to allow the play to be +stopped from time to time to allow of the Instructor's remarks, then +he would have to wait until after each Act, and retire with his pupils +into some quiet corner of the Refreshment-room, where he could give +his lecture. Or teacher and pupils could hear a Scene or an Act every +night,--and if they paid for their places (a reduction being made +for a quantity), the particular drama they patronised would be +considerably benefited by this plan. + +There might be a uniform or an academic costume for these critical +scholars--say Shakspearian collars, Undergraduate gown, and portable +mortar-board, to fold up, and be sat upon. There might be a row +reserved for them at the back of the Dress Circle, and twenty-five +per cent. reduction on tickets for a series. The M.C., or Master of +Critics, would take a fee for a course from each pupil. Fee to include +seat at theatre, instruction, _and supper afterwards_. + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TOWARDS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE,--"Hallo!" +being the recognised telephonic summons in use between companies +and individuals of all nationalities, may be already considered as +"Hallo'd by a variety of associations." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. I.--ROSMERSHÖLM (CONCLUDED.) + +ACT III. + + _Sitting-room at Rosmershölm. Sun shining outside in the + Garden. Inside REBECCA WEST is watering a geranium with + a small watering-pot. Her crochet antimacassar lies in + the arm-chair. Madam HELSETH is rubbing the chairs with + furniture-polish from a large bottle. Enter ROSMER, with his + hat and stick in his hand. Madam HELSETH corks the bottle + and goes out to the right._ + +_Rebecca_. Good morning, dear. (_A moment after--crocheting._) Have +you seen Rector KROLL's paper this morning? There's something about +_you_ in it. + +_Rosmer_. Oh, indeed? (_Puts down hat and stick, and takes up paper._) +H'm! (_Reads--then walks about the room._) KROLL _has_ made it hot for +me. (_Reads some more._) Oh, this is _too_ bad! REBECCA, they _do_ say +such nasty spiteful things! They actually call me a renegade--and I +can't _think_ why! They _mustn't_ go on like this. All that is good in +human nature will go to ruin if they're allowed to attack an excellent +man like me! Only think, if I can make them see how unkind they have +been! + +_Reb._ Yes, dear, in that you have a great and glorious object to +attain--and I wish you may get it! + +_Rosmer_. Thanks. I think I shall. (_Happens to look through window, +and jumps._) Ah, no, I shan't--never now. I have just seen-- + +[Illustration] + +_Reb._ _Not_ the White Horse, dear? We must really not overdo that +White Horse! + +_Rosmer_. No--the mill-race, where BEATA--(_Puts on his hat--takes it +off again._) I'm beginning to be haunted by--no, I _don't_ mean the +horse--by a terrible suspicion that BEATA may have been right after +all! Yes, I do believe, now I come to think of it, that I must really +have been in love with you from the first. Tell me _your_ opinion. + +_Reb._ (_struggling with herself, and still crocheting._) Oh--I can't +exactly say--such an odd question to ask me! + +_Rosmer_ (_shakes his head_). Perhaps; I have no sense of humour--no +respectable Norwegian _has_--and I _do_ want to know--because, you +see, if I _was_ in love with you, it was a _sin_, and if I once +convinced myself of that-- + + [_Wanders across the room._ + +_Reb._ (_breaking out_). Oh, these old ancestral prejudices! Here is +your hat, and your stick, too; go and take a walk. + + [ROSMER takes hat and stick, first, then goes out and takes + a walk; presently Madam HELSETH appears, and tells REBECCA + something. REBECCA tells _her_ something. They whisper + together. Madam H. nods, and shows in Rector KROLL, who + keeps his hat in his hand, and sits on a chair._ + +_Kroll_. I merely called for the purpose of informing you that I +consider you an artful and designing person, but that, on the whole, +considering your birth and moral antecedents, you know--(_nods at +her_)--it is not surprising. (_REBECCA walks about, wringing her +hands_) Why, what _is_ the matter? Did you really not know that you +had no right to your father's name? I'd no _idea_ you would mind my +mentioning such a trifle! + +_Reb._ (_breaking out_). I _do_ mind. I am an emancipated enigma, +but I retain a few little prejudices still. I _don't_ like owning +to my real age, and I _do_ prefer to be legitimate. And, after your +information--of which I was quite ignorant, as my mother, the late +Mrs. GAMVIK, never _once_ alluded to it--I feel I must confess +everything. Strong-minded advanced women are like that. Here is +ROSMER. (ROSMER _enters with his hat and stick._) ROSMER, I want to +tell you and Rector KROLL a little story. Let us sit down, dear, +all three of us. (_They sit down, mechanically, on chairs._) A long +time ago, before the play began--(_in a voice scarcely audible_)--in +Ibsenite dramas, all the interesting things somehow _do_ happen before +the play begins-- + +_Rosmer_. But, REBECCA, I _know_ all this. KROLL--(_looks hard at +her_). Perhaps I had better go? + +_Reb._ No--I will be short--this was it. I wanted to take my share +in the life of the New Era, and march onward with ROSMER. There +was one dismal, insurmountable barrier--(_to ROSMER, who nods +gravely_)--BEATA! I understood where your deliverance lay--and I +acted. _I_ drove BEATA into the mill-race ... There! + +_Rosmer_ (_after a short silence_). H'm! Well, KROLL--(_takes up his +hat_)--if you're thinking of walking home, I'll go too. I'm going to +be orthodox once more--after _this_! + +_Kroll_ (_severely and impressively, to_ REB.). A nice sort of young +woman _you_ are! [_Both go out hastily, without looking at REB._ + +_Reb._ (_speaks to herself, under her breath_). Now I _have_ done it. +I wonder _why_. (_Pulls bell-rope._) Madam HELSETH, I have just had a +glimpse of two rushing White Horses. Bring down my hair-trunk. + + [_Enter Madam H., with large hair-trunk, as Curtain falls._ + +ACT IV. + + _Late evening. REBECCA WEST stands by a lighted lamp, with a + shade over it, packing sandwiches, &c., in a reticule, with a + faint smile. The antimacassar is on the sofa. Enter ROSMER._ + +_Rosmer_ (_seeing the sandwiches, &c._). Sandwiches? Then you _are_ +going I Why, on earth,--I _can't_ understand! + +_Reb._ Dear, you never _can_. Rosmershölm is too much for me. But how +did you get on with KROLL? + +_Rosmer_. We have made it up. He has convinced me that the work of +ennobling men was several sizes too large for me--so I am going to let +it alone-- + +_Reb._ (_with her faint smile_). There I almost think, dear, that you +are wise. + +_Rosmer_ (_as if annoyed_). What, so _you_ don't believe in me either, +REBECCA--you never _did! [Sits listlessly on chair._ + +_Reb._ Not much, dear, when you are left to yourself--but I've another +confession to make. + +_Rosmer_. What, _another_? I really can't stand any more confessions +just now! + +_Reb._ (_sitting close to him_). It is only a little one. I bullied +BEATA into the mill-race--because of a wild uncontrollable-- (_ROSMER +moves uneasily._) Sit still, dear--uncontrollable fancy--for _you_! + +_Rosmer_ (_goes and sits on sofa_). Oh, my goodness, REBECCA--you +_mustn't_, you know! + + [_He jumps up and down as if embarrassed._ + +_Reb._ Don't be alarmed, dear, it is all over now. After living alone +with you in solitude, when you showed me all your thoughts without +reserve,--little by little, somehow the fancy passed off. I caught +the ROSMER view of life badly, and dulness descended on my soul as an +extinguisher upon one of our Northern dips. The ROSMER view of life is +ennobling, very--but hardly lively. And I've more yet to tell you. + +_Rosmer_ (_turning it off_). Isn't that enough for one evening P + +_Reb._ (_almost voiceless_). No, dear. I have a Past--_behind_ me! + +_Rosmer_. _Behind_ you? How strange. I had an idea of that sort +already. (_Starts, as if in fear._) A joke! (_Sadly._) Ah, no--_no_, +I must not give way to _that_! Never mind the Past, REBECCA; I +once thought that I had made the grand discovery that, if one is +only virtuous, one will be happy. I see now it was too daring, too +original--an immature dream. What bothers me is that I can't--somehow +I _can't_--believe entirely in you--I am not even sure that I _have_ +ennobled you so very much--_isn't_ it terrible? + +_Reb._ (_wringing her hands_). Oh, this killing doubt! (_Looks darkly +at him._) Is there anything _I_ can do to convince you? + +_Rosmer_ (_as if impelled to speak against his will_). Yes, one +thing--only I'm afraid you wouldn't see it in the same light. And +yet I must mention it. It is like this. I want to recover faith in +my mission, in my power to ennoble human souls. And, as a logical +thinker, this I cannot do now, unless--well, unless you jump into the +mill-race, too, like BEATA! + +_Reb._ (_takes up her antimacassar, with composure, and puts it on her +head_). Anything to oblige you. + +_Rosmer_ (_springs up_). What? You really _will_! You are _sure_ you +don't mind? Then, REBECCA, I will go further. I will even go--yes--as +far as you go yourself! + +_Reb._ (_bows her head towards his breast_). You will see me off? +Thanks. Now you are indeed an Ibsenite. + + [_Smiles almost imperceptibly._ + +_Rosmer_ (_cautiously_). I said as far as _you_ go. I don't commit +myself further than that. Shall we go? + +_Reb._ First tell me this. Are _you_ going with _me_, or am _I_ going +with _you_? + +_Rosmer_. A subtle psychological point--but we have not time to think +it out here. We will discuss it as we go along. Come! + + [_ROSMER takes his hat and stick, REBECCA her reticule, with + sandwiches. They go out hand-in-hand through the door, which + they leave open. The room (as is not uncommon with rooms in + Norway) is left empty. Then Madam HELSETH enters through + another door._ + +_Madam H._ The cab, Miss--not here! (_Looks out._) Out together--at +this time of night--upon my--_not_ on the garden-seat? (_Looks out of +window._) My goodness! _what_ is that white thing on the bridge--the +_Horse_ at last! (_Shrieks aloud._) And those two sinful creatures +running home! + + _Enter ROSMER and REBECCA, _out of breath._ + +_Rosmer_ (_scarcely able to get the words out_). It's no use, +REBECCA--we must put it off till another evening. We can't be expected +to jump off a footbridge which already has a White Horse on it. And, +if it comes to that, why should we jump at all? I know now that I +really _have_ ennobled you, which was all _I_ wanted. What would +be the good of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a +mill-pond? No, REBECCA--(_lays his hand on her head_)--there is no +judge over us, and therefore-- + +_Reb._ (_interrupting gravely_). We will bind ourselves over in our +own recognisances to come up for judgment when called upon. + + [_Madam HELSETH holds on to a chair-back, REBECCA finishes + the antimacassar calmly as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +A GRAND OLD WETTERUN! + +I ain't bin werry well lately, and, to crown the hole, I was cort in +the Lizzard, I think, as they called it, on that awful Munday nite, +and that was pretty nearly a settler for both my old bones and my +breth, and might ha' bin quite so, if one of the werry kindest Members +of the old Copperashun as I nos on, who had bin a dining with a +jolly party on 'em, hadn't kindly directed my notise to about a harf +bottle-full of werry fine old Port, with the remarkabel kind words, +"That's just about what you wants, Mr. ROBERT, to take you ome safely +this most orful nite!" And so it were, and I didn't waste a single +drop on it. + +[Illustration: The "Tipper's" Strike.] + +However, I was obligated to have a good long rest, which I took out +mostly in sleep; but, jest as I was preparing to set out for the +"Grand Hotel," in comes my Son; and he says to me, "Guvnor," says +he--I notise as he allers calls me Guvnor when he wants me to do +sumthink--"I wants you to do me the favour to ask _Mr. Punch_ for +to do you a favour." "Why, what do you mean?" says I. "Why, this is +what I means," says he. "About the grandest feller as ewer in the +hole world gave up fifty years of his useful life to trying to make +hundreds of stupid boys into clever boys, and hundreds of bad boys +into good boys, and hundreds of dull boys into witty boys, is a going +for to have a testymonial given him by sum of them hundreds of boys, +me among 'em, to sellybrate his Jewbilly, same as the QUEEN had the +other day. Ewery one of us as lives in London will jump at the chance; +but the boys as he turns out from the great City of Lundon Skool is +such reel fust-raters, that they gits snapped up direckly by Merchants +and peeple, and sent all over the werld for to manidge their warious +buzzinesses there, so we don't know how to get at 'em; but as _Mr. +Punch_ goes wherever any smart, clever English chap goes, if he wood +most kindly let this littel matter be mentioned, the grandest, and +sucksessfullest, ay, and wittiest Skool Master of modern times wood +get his dew reward." + +So says my Sun, and prowd I was to lissen to his words; and this is +what I can add to them from my own knowlidg. There's sum of the old +boys, as isn't quite as yung as when they left Skool, as has formed a +club to dine together sumtimes, and tork of old times, like senserbel +fellers as they is; and Mr. JOSEPH HARRIS, the gennelman in question, +is allers there, and allers has to make a speech, and I am amost +allers there too; and, to hear the joyful shouts of arty welcome with +which his old pupils greets him when he rises for to speak, and their +roars of larfter at his wit, and his fun, and his good-humer, while he +is a speaking, is so wery remarkabel, that I sumtimes wanders whether +it doesn't, a good deal of it, rise from the fact of his great School +being so close to _Mr. Punch's_ own horfice. But this is over the way, +as the great writer says. May I be alowd to had that my speshal frend, +and hewerybody's speshal frend, Mr. COOKE, is reddy to receive any +number of subskripshuns at 30, New Bridge Street, E.C. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +A NEW PROVIDENCE.--"My life is in your hands," as the Autobiographist +said to his Publisher. + + * * * * * + +THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN. + +(_LATEST VERSION; SUGGESTED BY A CASE AT THE LONDON SESSIONS._) + + And did you not hear of a jolly young Waterman, + Who on the river his wherry did ply? + When rowing along with great skill and dexterity, + A Cask of Madeira it caught his pleased eye. + It looked so nice, he rowed up steadily, + Transferred that cask to his boat right readily; + And he eyed the dear drink with so eager an air, + For the name on the cask not a jot did he care. + + When smart EDDARD SAILL got that cask in his wherry, + He cleaned it out--partly--with swiggings not small, + And with his companions--what wonder?--made merry; + Madeira's a wine that's not tippled by all. + One fancies one hears 'em a laughing and cheering, + Says EDDARD, "My boys, this is better than beering! + A Waterman's life would be free from all care + If he often dropped on treasure trove like that there." + + And yet but to think now how strangely things happen! + They copped him for "larceny by finding,"--that's all! + But SAILL couldn't read, and the jury was kindly, + So EDDARD got off, though his chance appeared small. + Now would this young Waterman keep out of sorrow, + No derelict casks let him--shall we say, borrow? + Madeira is nice, but you'd best have a care, + Before swigging the wine, that it's yours fair and square! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Childhood and Youth of Dickens_, a sort of short postscript to +FORSTER's Life, very well got up by its publishers HUTCHINSON & Co., +will interest those who for the third or fourth time are going through +a course of DICKENS. + +[Illustration] + +The Baron is an amateur of pocket-books and note-books. The best +pocket-book _must_ contain a calendar-diary, and as little printed +matter, and as much space for notes, as possible. No pocket-book +is perfect without some sort of patent pencil, of which the +writing-metal, when used on a damp surface, will serve as well as do +pen and ink on ordinary paper. Such a pocket-book with such a pencil +the Baron has long had in use, the product of JOHN WALKER & Co., of +Farringdon House. It should be called _The Walker Pocket-book, or +Pedestrian's Companion_; for, as "He who runs may read," so, with +this handy combination, "He who walks may write." The Baron is led to +mention this _à propos_ of a novelty by T.J. SMITH AND DOWNES, called +_The Self-registering Pocket Note-book_, a very neat invention, _quâ_ +Note-book only, but of which only one size has the invaluable patent +pencil. The ordinary pencil entails carrying a knife, and, though +this is good for the cutler--"I know that man, he comes from +Sheffield"--yet it is a defect which is a constant source of worry +to the ordinary note-taker. Otherwise, Messrs. SMITH AND DOWNES' +artfulness in making the pencil serve as a marker, so that the latest +note can at once be found, is decidedly ingenious, and may probably be +found most useful. _Experientia docet: Baronius tentabit._ + +While on the subject of pocket-books, the Baron must thank Messrs. +CASSELL & Co. for the pocket volumes of the _National Library_ edited +by HENRY MORLEY, and ventures to recommend as a real travelling +companion, _Essays, Civil and Moral, by Francis Bacon_. In the +eighteenth Essay "Of Travel," the chief Diarists, "LETTS AND SON," +might find a motto for _their_ publications. The Baron directs their +attention to this side of BACON from which this is a slice,--"_Let +Diaries, therefore, be brought in use_." A new reading for advertising +purposes would change "Let" into "Letts," or Letts could be +interpolated in brackets. "A cheeky way of treating BACON," says the +Baron's friend little FUNNIMAN (Author of _Funniman's Poor Jokes_); +but, if nothing worse than this can be said against the Baron's +suggestion, why, "Letts adopt it," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOMENTS WHEN LIFE IS REALLY WORTH LIVING. + +(_The Annual Visit to the Family Dentist._) + +"WELL, MY DEAR YOUNG LADY, I'VE LOOKED VERY CAREFULLY, AND THERE'S +ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME TO DO TO YOU THIS YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. + + "In the words of the Postmaster-General, spoken yesterday + (March 18th) from his room in St. Martin's-le-Grand, and + distinctly heard by the head of a corresponding department + in Paris, the triumph of the International Telephone is an + accomplished fact."--_Daily News_. + + _Hallo!--are you there_? That's the cue international, + Henceforth we'll hope, and we trust it may lead + To colloquies pleasant, relations more rational. + May "saucers" and tubes telephonic succeed + In setting the world "by the ears," in a fashion + Not meant by the men who invented that phrase. + May nail-biting nagging and rancorous passion + Die out, like a craze! + + Why, bless us, and save us! We _ought_ to behave us + A little bit better for all our new light. + From incurable savagery nothing can save us + If Science can't cool down our fondness for fight. + With so many chances of "talking things over," + Like comrades in council, across the broad sea, + Nations ought to be nice, as a girl and her lover + At five o'clock tea! + + Eh? _Vox et præterea nihil_? What matter + How close ears may seem if the hearts are apart? + Humph! Nothing go easy as cynical chatter; + Distrust's diplomatic, and satire sounds "smart." + But, as RAIKES suggests, there _is_ something in hearing + The "great human voice" o'er some three hundred miles, + In spite of the scorn that's so given to sneering, + The hate that reviles. + + One wonders what TALLEYRAND, subtle old schemer! + Would think of the Telephone were _he_ alive. + Wits sniff at the _savant_, and mock at the dreamer, + Who else, though, so hard for humanity strive? + BELLONA's sworn backers are woefully numerous; + Peace, let us pray, may claim this as _her_ friend; + The "Sentiment" flouted by swashbucklers humorous + Sways, at the end. + + If language was given our thoughts for concealing, + The Telephone--'tis but a travelling Voice!-- + Need not be the agent of reckless revealing, + And caution must often be candour's wise choice. + Unwisdom is sure to be sometimes caught napping, + And tongues may wag foolishly e'en through the wire. + Facilities freer for summary snapping + No sage can desire. + + Great diplomats, proud of their "able dispatches," + From trusting the tube with their wisdom may shrink. + The brain that in secret shrewd policies hatches, + May not care to canvas 'cute schemes "o'er a drink." + Yet times must be many when sense will be winner + By chatting of trifles, which nations have riled, + As freely as though _vis-à-vis_ at a dinner, + And carefully "tiled." + + Now England and France can thus gossip together, + And CARNOT and SALISBURY thus hob-a-nob, + We'll hope for set-fair international weather. + Our RAIKES and their ROCHE appear well "on the job." + The Telephone's triumph at least is not sinister. + Things should go easier somehow--with care, + When patriot Minister greets patriot Minister, + "_Hallo!--are you there?_" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER TELEPHONIC SUGGESTION.--Connect the Theatres and Opera Houses +by Telephone with all the Clubs. On payment of a fixed charge, any +member should be able to hear just as much of the piece or Opera as he +might require. Something above the price of a Stall to be the maximum +charge for one person to hear entire Opera. For half the Opera, say +six shillings; for a quarter of it, three-and-six. For hearing one +song in it, eighteen-pence; and, if certain songs be in great demand, +the prices could be raised. + + * * * * * + +EPIGRAMMATIC DEFINITION OF MOST PUBLIC BANQUETS WITH POSTPRANDIAL +ORATORY.--"Stuff and Nonsense." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL. + +LORD SALISBURY. "HALLO!" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "HALLO!" + +LORD SALISBURY. "YOU THERE?" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "ALL THERE!" + +LORD SALISBURY. "CAN YOU SUGGEST AN _ENTRÉE_ FOR DINNER?" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT. "_HOMARD AU GRATIN_,--AND, BY THE WAY, HOW ABOUT +NEWFOUNDLAND AND LOBSTER QUESTION?" + +LORD SALISBURY. "NOT BY TELEPHONE, THANK YOU!!!" + +[_Telephone between London and Paris opened, Monday, March 23rd._]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUFFERING ON THE "SILVER STREAK." + +THESE GENTLEMEN (AFTER A FEW HOURS' REST) DECLARED UNANIMOUSLY IN +FAVOUR OF THE PROPOSED CHANNEL TUBULAR RAILWAY.] + + * * * * * + +HANDS AS THEY ARE SHOOK. + +(_NEW STYLE._) + + In healthier times, when friends would meet + Their friends in chamber, park, or street, + Each, as hereunder, each would greet. + + Tour level hand went forth; you clasped + Your crony's; each his comrade's grasped-- + If roughly, neither friend was rasped. + + Such was the good old-fashioned one + Of honest British "How d'ye do?" + I think it manly still--don't you? + + But _now_, when smug acquaintance hails + A set that would be "smart," but fails, + Another principle prevails. + + The arm, in lifted curve displayed, + Droops limply o'er the shoulder-blade, + As needing some chirurgeon's aid: + + The wrist is wrenched of JONES and BROWN, + Those ornaments of London Town; + Their listless fingers dribble down: + + BROWN reaches to the knuckle-bones + Of thus-excruciated JONES; + BROWN's hand the same affliction owns. + + At length his finger-tips have pressed + The fingers of his JONES distressed: + Both curvatures then sink to rest. + + A sort of anguish lisped proceeds + Prom either's mouth, but neither heeds + The other's half-heroic deeds. + + Exhausted, neither much can say; + Complacent, each pursues his way; + And JONES and BBOWN have lived to-day. + + For both have sought by strenuous strain + To demonstrate, in face of pain, + That friends they were, and friends remain. + + Ah, wonderful! Can Poets deem + Self-sacrifice a fading dream? + Are salutations what they seem? + + Is BROWN some Altruist in disguise, + And JONES an Ibsenite likewise, + That thus they flop and agonise?-- + + Or are the pair affected fools, + Who catch by rote the silly rules + Of third-rate fashionable schools? + + * * * * * + +COURT COLD! + +(_A PAGE FROM THE DIARY OF A CHAPERON._) + +They commanded her to rise early. She knew that the day's doings would +be a terrible ordeal, but she came of a bold and sturdy race, and +felt herself equal to any emergency. And so as the morning broke--as +daylight crept through the foggy air--she prepared for the sacrifice. +Yes, sacrifice; for was it not a sacrifice to barter away youth, +pride, nay, life itself! And I had a hand in the matter! Ah, me--but +away with vain regret! + +I have been told since that they were hours and hours arranging her +toilette. So long did it take that she was scarcely able to break +her fast. She had, I believe, a cup of tea, and if rumour is to be +credited, a couple of slices of thin bread-and-butter! Well, it is +over now, and I can think of it almost without tears! + +I called for her shortly after noon--for the lot had fallen upon me, +and I was destined to attend her to her doom--she was very calm, and +even smiled as I kissed her. She shivered a little as she sank beside +me. I bade her to wrap her shawl more closely around her, and after +she had complied with my command she seemed more at ease. + +And now our conveyance had come to a full stop. We were surrounded by +a sea of vulgar, hideous faces, grinning and mocking at us! My charge +clung to me for protection. The laughter and the jeers increased +tenfold. Then I cast her away from me roughly, whereupon followed +yells mixed with savage laughter. She, poor girl, regained her +composure, and gazed at the multitude with the dignity of an outraged +queen. And _they_ laughed the more! Laughed the more! + +At length we were set free, and made our way to a large apartment, +where we were divested of our wraps, and left in costumes better +adapted to late June than to early March, or mid-December. We were +then ordered to advance. We were driven from one bitterly cold room +to another, until we knew not whether the blood was circulating in +our veins, or had frozen. We had many fellow-sufferers, and these poor +creatures pushed against us, and fought with us. The great object of +everyone was to get to the end of our journey! + +She staggered bravely along, until at last they took away the yards +of satin she carried round her arm, and spread it out behind. Then her +name was uttered, or, rather, mispronounced. She sank on her knees; +and, on regaining her feet, was hustled away, to follow a number of +fellow-victims who had been treated with like indignity. + +Once more there was the bitter cold. This time the draughts were met +in that hall, and endured, until the conveyance arrived to move us +on--she to stand for a couple of hours amidst gossiping friends, and I +to go to bed. + +But the seeds of death were sown! She never recovered the shock, and +an addition to the inscriptions above the family-vault tells of her +early decease! + +And who was this poor girl? A homeless one, wandering the streets +of London? or a political prisoner, on her way to Siberia? Neither! +She was merely a _débutante_, attending her first (and last) Spring +Drawing-room at Buckingham Palace! + + * * * * * + +NOTE (_by Our Own Noodle_).--_Father Buonaparte_, at the Olympic, +judging from the account of it in the _Times_, seems to consist of +"a part" for our WILSON BARRETT, the remainder being skeletonish, or +"boney." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MATTHEWS AT HOME." (NEW VERSION OF AN OLD +ENTERTAINMENT.)] + + * * * * * + +RAIKES REX! + + Somebody once said that ultimately the Solar System would + probably become a branch of the General Post Office. The + present Postmaster-General is obviously of opinion that that + state of things has already come about. + + To rule a realm as limitless as space, + With the great G.P.O. as Central Sun, + RAIKES is the man. Of Great Panjandrum race, + He's Autocrat and Oracle in one. + The Universe indeed were no great shakes + Without RAIKES _Rex_ for Ruler. _Vivat_ RAIKES!!! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March_ 16.--House of Commons really looked +to-night as if it meant fighting. No lack of matter for quarrel. +Even before public business was reached, Orders bristled with Motions +raising controversial points. Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL, that man of peace, +was to the fore; his Bill, extending Manchester. Sheffield, and +Lincolnshire Railway into London _via_ Lord's Cricket Ground, down for +Second Reading. That redoubtable Parliamentary Archer BAUMANN also +on alert. Has taken under his personal charge the social and material +welfare of Metropolis; at one time HARRY LAWSON, on other side of +House, disputed supremacy of position with him. But, as SARK says, +BAUMANN has immense advantage of making Liberal speeches from +Conservative side. + +"If," says SARK, "I had to begin my Parliamentary life again, I would +sit for a Tory borough, and advocate Radical notions. If it were +possible, I would, with such a programme, like to represent one of the +Universities, Oxford for choice. There's a sameness about fellows who +fret up from Liberal benches and spout Radicalism, or about men who +talk Toryism from the Conservative camp. It's what was expected; what +the House of Commons enjoys is the unexpected. GRANDOLPH knows that +very well. If he'd come out as a Liberal, he wouldn't have been half +the power he is. The secret of success in political life, my young +friend, is to sit in darkness, and clothe yourself with light. The +thing doesn't hold good in the converse direction. A man sitting on +Liberal benches, and talking Toryism, will gain cheers from other +side, but not much else. Look at HORSMAN in the past; look at JOKIM +in the present. Certainly he is CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; but, even +with that, I suppose you wouldn't call him a political success?" + +[Illustration: Cupid's Bowman.] + +SARK a little prosy and opinionated; otherwise a good fellow. Whilst +his homily in progress ground considerably cleared. Manchester, +Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Bill put oft till to-morrow; Kensington +Subway Bill withdrawn; BAUMANN triumphant. Still remained public +business; OLD MORALITY led off with proposal to take Tuesdays and +Fridays for morning sittings and Opposition mustered in great force; +Mr. G. present, glowing with his own eulogy on ARTEMIS. OLD MORALITY +moved Resolution with deprecatory deferential manner; only desire +was to do his duty to QUEEN and Country and meet the convenience of +Honourable Gentlemen sitting in whatever part of the House they might +find themselves. Evidently expected outburst of indignant refusal, +long debate, and a big division. Some indignation, but little debate +and no division. Everyone on Opposition Benches seemed to expect +some one else to declare himself irreconcilable. When question put, a +pause; no one rose to continue the successive brief speeches; before +you could say JAMES FERGUSON, Government had, on this 16th of March, +practically secured all working time for remainder of Session. + +"I feel like CLIVE," said OLD MORALITY; "or was it WARREN HASTINGS? +Anyhow I am amazed at my own moderation." + +[Illustration: THE LORDS IN THE COMMONS.] + +_Business done_,--Morning Sittings arranged for rest of Session. + +_Tuesday_.--"Lords" and Commons came in conflict to-day under novel +circumstances. Lord TANNEL-CHUNNEL, pending settlement of question +about making his Channel Tunnel, is promoting new trunk line of +railway. Means to bring the Manchester, Sheffield and Lincoln line +straight into London; terminus comes in by Lord's Cricket Ground; +invades the sweet simplicity of St. John's Wood; artistic population +of that quarter up in arms; shriek protest in Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL's +ear, and shake at him the angry fist. But TANNEL-CHUNNEL not a Baron +easily turned aside from accomplishment of his projects. Squares +Committee of "Lords"; impresses into support of his scheme +representatives of all the big towns on the route; Manchester, +Nottingham, Leicester, all cheer him on; Liberals, Conservatives, +Dissentient Liberals, swell his majority. Second Reading of Bill +carried by more than two to one. + +"How's that, Umpire?" CHUNNEL-TANNEL asked, carrying out his bat. +"Well played, indeed!" said the SPEAKER. + +Seemed at one time as if blood would flow, and gore would stain the +floor of House. BARNES and WIGGINS were in it, but what it was all +about not quite clear. Something to do with a coal-truck. As far as +could be made out from choked utterances of BARNES, there had at some +remote period been a coal-truck despatched to London by the Midland +route. Something happened to it; either it was delayed, or it arrived +empty, or it didn't arrive at all. However, it was quite clear to +BARNES that the time had come when a new line of railway giving direct +access to London from the Midlands was an urgent necessity. WIGGINS +observed to be wriggling in his seat during the BARNES oration. Made +several attempts to catch SPEAKER's eye; at length succeeded; his +suppressed fury was terrible to behold: his rage Titanic. He at least +knew all about that coal-truck; though, as far as House was concerned, +he did not succeed in lifting the mystery in which BARNES had +enveloped it. Whether it was WIGGINS's coal, or merely WIGGINS's +truck; whether WIGGINS happened to be in the truck when it went +astray; or whether it was BARNES that was in it; or whether nothing +was in it but the coal; or whether, coming back to an earlier point, +there was no coal in the truck when it did (or did not) arrive at St. +Pancras: these were questions the House vainly pursued, withered, as +it was, under the wrath of WIGGINS The only point clearly perceived +was, that BIGGINS is a director of Midland Railway. + +[Illustration: "About that Coal Truck?"] + +In ordinary circumstances there are not to be found in House two +more affable men than BARNES and WIGGINS. Amongst many other virtues, +WIGGINS is, SARK tells me, one of the best judges of cigars in House, +and is never without a sample in his case. It is sad to think that a +man so gifted by nature, so favoured by fortune, should let his angry +passions rise round a coal-truck. House, contemplating the episode, +glad to shut it out by rushing off to Division Lobby. _Business +done_.--Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway Bill, Read a +Second Time, by 212 Votes to 103. + +_Thursday_.--House engaged in considering Lords' Amendments to +Tithes Bill. Things as dull as usual; House nearly empty; walk about +corridors through tea-room, newspaper-room, and library; almost +deserted; in smoking-room came upon little group playing cards; three +of them; SOLICITOR-GENERAL, CHABLES RUSSELL, and ASQUITH, LOCKWOOD +looking on. + +"I suppose," I said, "they're playing whist; why don't you make up the +hand?" + +"Whisht! it's not whist!" LOCKWOOD whispered, keeping his eye closely +fixed on game. "It's Baccarat. (Ah! CLARKE! I saw you. Come, pay up. +You did that very clumsily.) It's the Tranby Court case you know. I'm +not in it, but my learned brethren here hold briefs on either side, +and they say they are bound, in the interests of their clients, to +master the intricacies of the game. I must say they have managed very +successfully to subordinate their horror of gambling. RUSSELL, you +know, has a positive distaste for any game of chance. But as he says, +a Barrister must sometimes put his prejudices in his pocket. ASQUITH +brings to the game a serious aspect that positively sanctifies it. +As for EDWARD CLARKE, he's wonderfully nimble. He was trying _la +poucette_ just now when I called out to him. As everything turns upon +this, my learned friends say they must make themselves acquainted +with it. But I hope it won't lead to any breaking up of families. I'm +told the Judges who are likely to be trying cases in London before +Whitsuntide, impelled by a similar sense of duty, are also studying +Baccarat. The L.C.J. is reported to have developed a wonderful talent. +As a family man, and Recorder of Sheffield, I'm glad I'm not briefed +in the case." + +[Illustration: "Young Harry"] + +_Business done_.--Tithes Bill. + +_Friday_.--Young HARRY LAWSON, with his beaver up, moved Resolution +approving the opening for certain hours, and under special +regulations, of the National Museums and Galleries, closed in +London to the public on Sundays, made capital and convincing speech; +supported by men like JOHN LUBBOCK, and, from Conservative side, +MAYNE and ELCHO. Earlier in sitting, the voice of Whitechapel, Hoxton, +Shoreditch, and Bethnal Green, had been heard by petition, praying +for the boon. But dear old ROBERT FOWLER knows better what is good +for the people. Opposed Motion. OLD MORALITY, who never goes into his +picture gallery at Greenlands after midnight on Saturday, whipped up +Government forces; Motion lost by 166 against 39. + +Mr. BUNG, who had been watching Debate from Distinguished Strangers' +Gallery, hugely delighted. "S'elp me," he said, "that'll stop +their little game for this Parliament, at least. What do they mean +hinterfering with honest tradesmen? If you go opening your bloomin' +mooseums and picter galleries on Sunday afternoons, _what's to become +of ME?_" + +_Business done_.--Mr. BUNG's; and very effectively, too. + + * * * * * + +"FLAT, STALE, AND UNPROFITABLE." + + HAMPDEN, farewell! Ere this you may have found + The World you swore was flat is really round. + But many a man, with brains beneath his hat. + Swears that the World is round, and finds it flat. + + * * * * * + +THE OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE BOAT-RACE. + +(_MARCH 21. OXFORD WON BY HALF A LENGTH._) + + Great ZEUS! was ever such a race since 1829, + When WORDSWORTH, SELWYN, MERIVALE began the mighty line, + First of the stalwart heroes who matched their straining thews, + And on great Thames's tide have fought the battle of the Blues? + Who writes of pampered softness? Confusion on his pen: + Still is there pluck in England, and still her sons are Men. + And still the lads go gaily forth in snow, or wind, or rain, + With hearts elate to row the race, and spurt, and spurt again. + A health to you, brave AMPTHILL; the cheering echoes far; + For FLEICHER and the NICKALLS' lads--_nobile fratrum par_. + A shout goes up for WILKINSON, the stalwart and the strong, + For REGGIE ROWE, and dauntless KENT, who kept the stroke so long. + For POOLE, the tidy bowman, and HEYWOOD-LONSDALE too; + Thrice thirty cheers for all of them, that gallant Oxford Crew. + Nor,--though the years speed onward, and others wield the oar, + Though others race and win or lose where we have raced before; + Though others, while we watch the sport, should play as we have played, + And scorn us prosy greybeards--shall ELIN's glory fade? + NOBLE, and LORD, and FRANCKLYN, they each shall have their cheer, + And BRADDON, small, but quick of eye, who craftily did steer, + And ROWLATT, and FOGG-ELLIOTT, and LANDALE, of the Hall, + And FISON, sturdy Corpus man--we cheer and praise them all. + _Punch_ loves all sturdy men and true, by whom great deeds are done, + And toasts and cheers with all his might the Crews of '91. + + * * * * * + +LEGAL MAXIMS. + +(_Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and +Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal._) + +_Common Law_.--"The tradition of ages shall prevail," save when it +runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily paper. + +_Equity_.--(1). "No right shall be without a remedy," save when it is +sentimentally suggested that somebody's right may be somebody else's +wrong. + +(2.) "Equity follows the law," at such a distance that it never comes +up with it. + +(3.) "Equity is equality," save when a man's wife is literally his +better half. + +(4.) "Where there is equal equity the law must prevail," in any view +it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time +being. + +(5.) "Where the equities are equal the law prevails," in any course it +likes to pursue. + +(6.) "Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done," +especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the suitor ultimately +finds himself sold. + +_Contracts_.--(1.) "All contracts are construed according to the +intentions of the parties," save where one of them subsequently +changes his mind. + +(2.) "The construction should be liberal" enough to suit the fancy of +the Judge who enforces it. + +(3.) "It should be favourable" to a long and angry correspondence in +all the principal newspapers. + +(4) "The contract should in general be construed according to the law +of the country where made," but certainly not in particular. + +(5.) "That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to explain a +written contract," save when someone suggests that this practice shall +be reversed. + +(6.) "He who employs an agent does it himself," unless it is +considered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter. + +_Parent and Child_.--"A father shall have the custody of his +children," except when they get beyond his control and defy his +authority. + +_Landlord and Tenant_.--"A landlord has a right to receive his rent," +if the tenant does not spend the money on something else. + +_Husband and Wife_.--"A man has a right to the society of his wife." +when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere. + +_Birthright of an Englishman. (Popular traditionally but strictly +speaking supplementary_.)--"An Englishman's house is his castle," but +only the _pied à terre_ of the lawfully wedded sharer of his income. + +OLD FATHER ANTIC. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--CLIMATE OF THE BRITISH ISLES.--As the Gulf Stream +produces such an effect on the English climate, would it not be +feasible to add to the heat of the water in some way--say, by erecting +powerful furnaces somewhere on the south coast of Florida, or by +turning the lava from a volcano in the neighbourhood of the Gulf into +the sea? I am not a man of science, but I should be glad to hear your +opinion of the scheme.--SUFFERER FROM COLD. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, March 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13281 *** |