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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13297 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+April 4, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.
+
+(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._)
+
+NO. II.-NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVÖIT).
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture. Gimcracks
+    in an étagère; a festoon of chenille monkeys hanging from
+    the gaselier. Japanese fans, skeletons, cotton-wool spiders,
+    frogs, and lizards, scattered everywhere about. Drain-pipes
+    with tall dyed grasses. A porcelain stove decorated with
+    transferable pictures. Showily-bound books in book-case.
+    Window. The Visitors' bell rings in the hall outside. The
+    hall-door is heard to open, and then to shut. Presently
+    NORA walks in with parcels; a Porter carries a large
+    Christmas-tree after her--which he puts down. NORA gives
+    him a shilling--and he goes out grumbling. NORA hums
+    contentedly, and eats macaroons. Then HELMER puts his
+    head out of his Manager's room, and NORA hides macaroons
+    cautiously._
+
+_Helmer_ (_playfully_). Is that my little squirrel twittering--that my
+lark frisking in here?
+
+_Nora_. Ess! (_To herself._) I have only been married eight years, so
+these marital amenities have not yet had time to pall!
+
+[Illustration: "Boo!"]
+
+_Helmer_ (_threatening with his finger_). I hope the little bird has
+surely not been digging its beak into any macaroons, eh?
+
+_Nora_ (_bolting one, and wiping her mouth_). No, most certainly not.
+(_To herself_.) The worst of being so babyish is--one _does_ have to
+tell such a lot of taradiddles! (_To H._) See what _I_'ve bought--it's
+been _such_ fun!
+
+    [_Hums._
+
+_Helmer_ (_inspecting parcels_). H'm--rather an _expensive_ little
+lark!
+
+    [_Takes her playfully by the ear._
+
+_Nora_. Little birds like to have a flutter occasionally. Which
+reminds me--(_Plays with his coat-buttons._) I'm such a simple ickle
+sing--but if you _are_ thinking of giving me a Christmas present, make
+it cash.
+
+_Helmer_. Just like your poor father, _he_ always asked me to make it
+cash--he never made any himself! It's heredity, I suppose. Well--well!
+
+    [_Goes back to his Bank. NORA goes on humming._
+
+    _Enter Mrs. LINDEN, doubtfully._
+
+_Nora_. What, CHRISTINA--why, how old you look! But then you are
+poor. I'm not. TORVALD has just been made a Bank Manager. (_Tidies the
+room._) Isn't it really wonderfully delicious to be well off? But,
+of course, you wouldn't know. _We_ were poor once, and, do you know,
+when TORVALD was ill, I--(_tossing her head_)--though I _am_ such a
+frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I actually borrowed £300 for
+him to go abroad. Wasn't _that_ clever? Tra-la-la! I shan't tell you
+_who_ lent it. I didn't even tell TORVALD. I am such a mere baby I
+don't tell him everything. I tell Dr. RANK, though. Oh, I'm so awfully
+happy I should like to shout, "Dash it all!"
+
+_Mrs. Linden_ (_stroking her hair_). Do--it is a natural and innocent
+outburst--you are such a child! But I am a widow, and want employment.
+_Do_ you think your husband could find me a place as clerk in his
+Bank? (_Proudly._) I am an excellent knitter!
+
+_Nora_. That would really be awfully funny. (_To HELMER, who
+enters._) TORVALD, this is CHRISTINA; she wants to be a clerk in your
+Bank--_do_ let her! She thinks such a lot of _you_. (_To herself._)
+Another taradiddle!
+
+_Helmer_. She is a sensible woman, and deserves encouragement. Come
+along, Mrs. LINDEN, and we'll see what we can do for you.
+
+[_He goes out through the hall with Mrs. L., and the front-door is
+heard to slam after them._
+
+_Nora_ (_opens door, and calls_). Now, EMMY, IVAR, and BOB, come
+in and have a romp with Mamma--we will play hide-and-seek. (_She
+gets under the table, smiling in quiet satisfaction; KROGSTAD
+enters--NORA pounces out upon him_). Boo!... Oh, I _beg_ your
+pardon. I don't do this kind of thing _generally_--though I may be a
+little silly!
+
+_Krogstad_ (_politely_). Don't mention it. I called because I happened
+to see your husband go out with MRS. LINDEN--from which, being a
+person of considerable penetration, I infer that he is about to give
+her my post at the Bank. Now, as you owe me the balance of £300,
+for which I hold your acknowledgment, you will see the propriety of
+putting a stop to this little game at once.
+
+_Nora_. But I don't at all--not a little wee bit! I'm so childish, you
+know--why _should_ I? [_Sitting upright on carpet._
+
+_Krogs._ I will try to make it plain to the meanest capacity. When
+you came to me for the loan, I naturally required some additional
+security. Your father, being a shady Government official, without a
+penny--for, if he had possessed one, he would, presumably, have left
+it to you--without a penny, then, I, as a cautious man of business,
+insisted upon having his signature as a surety. Oh, we Norwegians are
+sharp fellows!
+
+_Nora_. Well, you _got_ Papa's signature, didn't you?
+
+_Krogs._ Oh, I _got_ it right enough. Unfortunately, it was dated
+three days after his decease--now, how do you account for _that_?
+
+_Nora_. How? Why, as poor Papa was dead, and couldn't sign, I signed
+_for_ him, that's all! Only somehow I forgot to put the date back.
+_That's_ how. Didn't I _tell_ you I was a silly, unbusinesslike little
+thing? It's very simple.
+
+_Krogs._ Very--but what you did amounts to forgery, notwithstanding.
+I happen to know, because I'm a lawyer, and have done a little in the
+forging way myself. So, to come to the point--if _I_ get kicked out, I
+shall not go alone! [_He bows, and goes out._
+
+_Nora_. It _can't_ be wrong! Why no one but KROGSTAD would have been
+taken in by it! If the Law says it's wrong, the Law's a goose--a
+bigger goose than poor little me even! (_To HELMER, who enters_.)
+Oh, TORVALD, how you made me jump!
+
+_Helmer_. Has anybody called? (_NORA shakes her head_.) Oh, my little
+squirrel mustn't tell naughty whoppers! Why, I just met that fellow
+KROGSTAD in the hall. He's been asking you to get me to take him
+back--now, hasn't he?
+
+_Nora_ (_walking about_). Do just see how pretty the Christmas-tree
+looks!
+
+_Helmer_. Never mind the tree--I want to have this out about KROGSTAD.
+I can't take him back, because many years ago he forged a name. As a
+lawyer, a close observer of human nature, and a Bank Manager, I have
+remarked that people who forge names seldom or never confide the fact
+to their children--which inevitably brings moral contagion into the
+entire family. From which it follows, logically, that KROGSTAD has
+been poisoning his children for years by acting a part, and is morally
+lost. (_Stretches out his hands to her._) I can't bear a morally lost
+Bank-cashier about me!
+
+_Nora_. But you never thought of dismissing him till CHRISTINA came!
+
+_Helmer_. H'm! I've got some business to attend to--so good-bye,
+little lark! [_Goes into office and shuts door._
+
+_Nora_ (_pale with terror_). If KROGSTAD poisons his children because
+he once forged a name, I must be poisoning EMMY, and BOB, and IVAR,
+because _I_ forged Papa's signature! (_Short pause; she raises
+her head proudly._) After all, if I _am_ a doll, I can still
+draw a logical induction! I mustn't play with the children any
+more--(_hotly_)--I don't care--I _shall_, though! Who cares for
+KROGSTAD?
+
+    [_She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as Curtain
+    falls._
+
+N.B.--The tremendous psychological problem of whether NORA is as much
+of a doll, a squirrel, and a lark, as she seems, and if so, whether
+it is her own fault, or HELMER's or Society's, will be solved in
+subsequent numbers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.--At last by the authority of the L.C.C. his
+Grace of BEDFORD has been notified that within three months from
+now "Locks, bolts, and bars must fly asunder" in the parish of St.
+Pancras, where henceforth existence of all such obstruction is to
+cease. We hope that the gate-keepers, whose occupation is gone, have
+been amply provided for, as they will now have no gates, but only
+themselves to keep. _Mr. Punch_ has persistently advocated the reform.
+And now, Gentlemen, how about Mud Salad Market, which, like Scotland
+in _Macbeth's_ time, "stands where it did"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FASCINATION!
+
+"APOLLONIUS, by some probable conjectures, found her out to be a
+serpent, a Lamia; and that all her furniture was, like Tantalus's
+gold described by HOMER, no substance, but mere illusion."--_Burton's
+Anatomy of Melancholy._]
+
+  A LAMIA, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most unequivocal, betray the
+      Snake;
+  As fell ophidian as in fierce meridian of Afric ever lurked in swamp or
+      brake;
+  And yet Corinthian LYCIUS  never doted on the white-throated charmer of
+      his soul
+  With blinder passion than our fools of Fashion
+                                Feel for this gruesome ghoul.
+
+  Poor LYCIUS had excuse. Who might refuse worship to Lamia, "now a lady
+      bright"?
+  But foul-fanged here, fierce-eyed, a shape of fear, the serpent stands,
+  revealed to general sight,
+  A loathly thing, close knotted ring on ring, of guise unlovely, and
+      infectious breath;
+  And yet strong witchery draws to those wide jaws
+                                Whose touch is shameful death.
+
+  See how the flattering things on painted wings, foolish as gnat-swarms
+      near the shrivelling blaze,
+  Flock nearer, nearer! Forms, too, quainter, queerer, frog-dupes of folly,
+      rabbit-thralls of craze,
+  Butterfly triflers, gay-plumed would-be riflers of golden chalices, of
+      poisoned flowers,
+  Flitter and flutter in delirium utter,
+                                As drawn by wizard powers.
+
+  Oh, "Painted Lady," Summer coverts shady, the greenwood home, the sweep
+      of sunny fields,
+  A butterfly befit; but where's the wit that mire-befouled to the
+      swamp-demon yields?
+  Oh, birds of Iris-glitter, black and bitter will be the wakening when
+      those gaudy plumes
+  Fall crushed and leaden, as your senses deaden
+                                In poisonous Python fumes!
+
+  Ye _gobemouche_ creatures of batrachian features, who "go a-wooing" such
+      a fate as this,
+  Have ye no vision of that doom's decision? Have ye no ear for rattle or
+      for hiss?
+  Salammbô's craving, morbid and enslaving, was sanity compared with your
+      mad love,
+  As well the swallow the fierce shrike might follow,
+                                Or hawk be chased by dove!
+
+  Tantalus' gold is all such Lamias hold; 'tis Devil's dice such Mammon
+      vassals throw;
+  A sordid fever fires each fool-believer in the gross glitter, the unholy
+      glow.
+  Vile is your Dagon! Circe's venomed flagon embruted less than doth the
+      Lamia's wine,
+  Than Comus' cup more perilous to sup--
+                                As snakes are worse than swine.
+
+  The poet's snake enchanted, who so flaunted her borrowed robes amidst the
+      daffodils,
+  Hath piteous touches. She, from Fate's clutches, free some brief space,
+      "escaped from so sore ills,"
+  Moves our compassion. But this modern fashion of Snake Enchanter looks
+      unlovely all.
+  Greed's inspiration its sole fascination.
+                                Low selfishness its thrall.
+
+  "A Serpent!" So the Sophist murmured low, and "LYCIUS' arms were empty of
+      delight,"
+  LAMIA had fled! Would that some sage cool head, some modern APOLLONIUS,
+      with the might
+  Of sense magnanimous, would banish thus the bestial Lamia of our later day,
+  Whose fascination draws a noble nation
+                                To sordid slow decay!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DANTE NOT "IN IT"!--The Italian language is to be excluded from the
+Indian Civil Service Examination. "The story is extant, and written
+in very choice Italian," said _Hamlet_, and SHAKSPEARE knew that the
+reference would be intelligible to his audience. But _Hamlet_ "up to
+date" in this "so-called nineteenth century" would be compelled to
+give the speech thus, "The original story, I believe, is written in
+the Italian language, with which none of us here are acquainted."
+But, after all, the candidates may be inclined to adapt the
+Gilbert-Sullivan words and music to the occasion, and sing--
+
+  "So, in spite of all temptation,
+  At the next examination
+    They'll bar I-tal-i-an!"
+
+Though, years hence, it may happen that they'll be sorry they weren't
+compelled to get up Italian as one of the subjects.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOUR OF EASE!"--which line would make a suitable
+motto for our very useful, chatty, and interesting weekly contemporary
+entitled _Woman. À propos_ of "headings," the only one in the
+above-mentioned publication to which objection can possibly be taken
+"on the face of it" is "Wrinkles." Wouldn't "Whispers" be better? It
+is quite enough for _Woman_ to appear with lines, but it's too bad
+that wrinkles should be added while she is yet so young.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."--Once again occurs an illustration of the
+applicability of Dickensian characters to modern instances. In last
+Thursday's _Times_, by special Razzle-Dalziel wire, we read of the
+return of another great Arctic explorer, Mr. WASHBURTON PIKE, after
+having braved dangers demanding the most dauntless courage. Here,
+then, are two single gentlemen rolled into one: it is _Pike_ and
+_Pluck_ combined.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEATUS POSSIDENS.
+
+"I'VE COME ABOUT A JOB. I HEARD THERE WAS A BOY WANTED."
+
+"OH, YOU 'EARD AS THERE WAS A BOY WANTED, DID YER? THEN YOU'RE JUST
+TOO LATE, 'COS MASTER'S SOOTED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION.
+
+1. The earliest specimen of the Birch. (_Suggested by a Merry Swish
+Boy._)
+
+2. Salt-cellar used for holding the Salt at Montem time.
+
+3. Specimen of Haberdashery, from an Eton "Sock" shop.
+
+4. Model of the most powerful "Long-glass" from "Tap."
+
+5. Chips from the Earliest Block, with authentic history of Etonian
+Original Transgression, or "First Fault."
+
+6. Documents tracing the connection between "Pop" and the Pawnbroking
+business.
+
+7. Specimen of Lower Boy's Hat, with motto, "_Sub Tegmine Fag-I!_"
+
+8. Portraits of Eminent "Sitters" on Fourth of June and Election
+Saturday in the early part of present century.
+
+9. Scull of a "Wet-Bob" originally feathered.
+
+10. A copy (perfect and signed) of another boy's verses. (N.B. Not
+very scarce.)
+
+11. Portraits of eminent Landlords who, acting on SHERIDAN's advice,
+have "kept up the Xtopher."
+
+12. Also, portrait, with life and times of the crabbed old Thames
+Waterman, known on the river as "Surly HALL."
+
+    [Any future suggestions that maybe sent to us will be entirely
+    at the service of the Duke of FIFE and others, interested in
+    promoting this most interesting exhibition.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PUBLISHER AND HIS FRIENDS.--In order to worthily celebrate the
+hearty reception, by the critics and the public generally, of this
+most interesting and successful work, the present representatives of
+the great publishing firm of MURRAY will give a grand banquet, and,
+with SMILES, will sing in chorus the once popular refrain, "We are a
+Murray family, we are, we are, we are!" _Prosit!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THOSE IT MAY CONCERN.--In reply to several Correspondents, _Mr.
+Punch_ begs to suggest that ANTHONY TROLLOPE would certainly have
+observed, "_I say Yes!_" had he been told that WILKIE COLLINS had
+written "_I Say No!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER.
+
+(_A STORY OF THE PARLIAMENTARY BAR._)
+
+"You will not forget, Sir," said my excellent and admirable clerk,
+"that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of the House of
+Commons, in the matter of the Glogsweller Railway Extension?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I glanced somewhat severely at PORTINGTON, but was gratified to find
+that his face was quite free from any suggestion of levity. I was
+the more pleased with the result of my investigation, as, truth to
+tell, the delivery of a brief in the matter of the Extension of the
+Glogsweller Railway Company had been somewhat of an event in my life.
+I had never before had the honour of practising at the Parliamentary
+Bar. So for months my mind had been entirely occupied with the date
+fixed for my appearance in the Committee Room of the House of Commons,
+known technically, I believe, at St. Stephens, as "upstairs."
+
+"You will be sure to meet me there, to-morrow, PORTINGTON?" I
+observed.
+
+"Certainly, Sir," replied my clerk. "But, as I have to be down at the
+Mayor's Court with Mr. CHARLES O'MULLIGAN in the morning, I daresay
+you won't mind if I come with your sandwiches and sherry, Sir, at two,
+or thereabouts."
+
+I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. O'MULLIGAN shares with me the good
+offices of PORTINGTON, but generally contrives to secure the lion's
+portion of his services. I had arranged--understanding that no
+adjournment was made for luncheon--that some refreshment should be
+conveyed to me during the day's proceedings, so that my voice should
+lose none of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced weakness)
+when the time arrived for my advocacy of the cause of my clients.
+Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral interest in the day's
+proceedings. The great North-East Diddlesex Railway were promoting
+a Bill to carry a new line into the neighbourhood of the Glogsweller
+Extension, and my duty was confined to cross-examining one of the
+expert witnesses that I knew would be asked to support the G.N.E.D.R.
+To be candid, we had a goods depôt near their suggested terminus, and
+were fearful that their proposed proximity would damage our mineral
+traffic. The matter was simple enough, but I had taken months in
+carefully studying a small library of charts, Encyclopædias, and
+Parliamentary Blue Books, in mastering it.
+
+On the morning following my conversation with PORTINGTON, duly robed
+(I had put on my wig and gown in Chambers), I travelled by hansom
+to Westminster, and presented myself at the side entrance to St.
+Stephen's Hall. I had no difficulty in finding the Committee Room
+devoted to the consideration of the alleged necessities of the Great
+North-East Diddlesex Railway. It was a large and pleasant apartment,
+with a distant view through the windows of St. Thomas's Hospital. At
+a horse-shoe table sat the Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who
+might have filled equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved
+in the Royal Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I took
+my place amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were perfect
+strangers to me. The table in front of us was littered with plans,
+charts, and documents of all descriptions. A Q.C. brought with him
+a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard, and there were other
+refreshments mingled with the exhibits before us. On chairs at the
+side were Solicitors; at our back, separated from us by a bar,
+were the Public. On the walls were hanging huge charts, giving in
+pantomimic proportions the proposed progress of the projected line.
+In the corners of these charts were explanations why such a part
+was coloured green, or red, or blue. During the day's proceedings an
+attendant was told off to trace the course of a counsel's harangue by
+pointing out, with a lecturer's wand, the various places referred to
+in his speech.
+
+I was gratified to find that the expert whose evidence it was my duty
+to test by cross-examination, was soon in the witness-box. He was a
+gentleman of considerable bulk, which gave one of my learned friends,
+who was the first to take him in hand, the opportunity of saying,
+that he was a "witness of great weight," a remark which caused much
+laughter--even the Chairman of the Committee, a somewhat austere
+person, indulging in a stealthy smile at the ingenious sally. Such
+waggish flashes as this, I need scarcely say, were most welcome, and
+afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief to the necessary dryness
+that characterised, perforce, the proceedings. As the hands of the
+clock progressed, waiters carried into the Committee, various light
+refreshments, such as brandy-and-sodawater, sandwiches, and buns. My
+colleagues, too, when not actively engaged in the declamatory duties
+of their profession, partook of the viands with which they had
+provided themselves before the commencement of the day's labours. Thus
+the cups devoted to custard soon were empty, and the paper bags, once
+occupied by buns, crumpled up and discarded. I gazed at the clock.
+It was past two, and I was getting terribly hungry. I felt that my
+voice was becoming weak from famine. This would never do, and might
+endanger my clients' interests. I looked round eagerly for PORTINGTON.
+He was nowhere to be seen. I whispered to a colleague, "would the
+examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told it could not
+possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I made up my mind
+to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the corridor before I had
+entered the room, and hurriedly left my seat. I pushed my way through
+the public, and had scarcely got outside when I found my faithful
+clerk laden with sandwiches and sherry making post-haste towards me.
+
+"Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust the
+invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands; "run, Sir,
+run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence!"
+
+Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my subordinate
+I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that the
+examination-in-chief was nearly ended. I pulled myself together.
+I drank a glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My voice was in
+excellent tone, and I felt that the crisis of my life had indeed been
+reached. I knew that it was now or never. I had this great chance of
+distinguishing myself by pleasing my clients and securing a practice
+at the Parliamentary Bar, which might mean hundreds, nay, thousands
+a-year. I imagined my children at Eton, my wife in a carriage and
+pair, my address in Grosvenor Place. All I had to do to secure these
+tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients by my careful
+attention to their interests. The moment at length arrived. I rose to
+cross-examine.
+
+"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the situation,
+and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which was striking
+terror into the heart of the witness before me, _I_ am going to put a
+few questions to you!"
+
+"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly--"you will do nothing of
+the sort. You were not present during the _whole_ of the witness's
+       *       *       *       *       *
+I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and sherry had
+ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together (in the carriage
+and pair) for ever!
+
+_Pump-Handle Court_. (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;
+
+OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.
+
+NO. I.--AT THE ESTATE AGENT'S.
+
+Have you some nice houses to let furnished?--Here is our Catalogue,
+Sir.--I perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses; "sanitation
+perfect;" where is the satisfactory explanation of the fine
+advertisement?--It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).--What
+is "Queen Anne"?--Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but
+Queen Anne is (the) last.--Is then sanitation also something?--It
+is the little game of the big builder; it is all your (my, his,
+her,) eyes.--Can we have some nice furniture?--You can have (the
+furniture of) Chippendale, Sheraton, M'Adam, or Louis-Quinze.--It
+is too dear.--No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the clever
+carpenter.--I was done by you or by your brother; I require a room
+for my mother-in-law (neuter).--The good mother-in-law sleeps in the
+chamber of boxes (box-room), but the evil mother-in-law prefers the
+best bed-room.--How many persons are you?--We are sixteen.--You are,
+indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.--Is not the noble
+drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?--On the contrary,
+it is very lofty. There is room near the chandelier.--Where is
+the "moderate-sized garden"?--It is on the leads with the broken
+flower-pots, the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine
+or feminine).--Is it then much larger than a postage-stamp?--Decidedly
+not, Sir. It is also nearly as sticky. Much rain produces
+weeds.--Where are "the bath-rooms"? I only perceived a
+watering-pot.--Any rooms in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.--What
+is then the price?--The exorbitant client of the first-class agent
+demands four hundred guineas for the season.--It is too much.--He
+would take less in some minutes; but my commission will rest the
+same.--Here are "Commanding mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and
+"Desirable residences."--It is not difficult; the mansion that has a
+back-staircase is commanding, the "Bijou" is for the newly-married, or
+the actress, but the "Desirable residence" is what you desire.--What
+is then the "square hall"?--It is neither round nor oblong; therefore
+it is square. It is likewise in a square.--Is it geometrically the
+same as the Bridge of Asses?--I do not know. Sir.--Where is the
+capital accommodation for the poor servants?--It resembles the
+dark kennel of the sad dog.--What are dilapidations and electric
+light?--The first, Sir, is what you break; the second is what breaks
+_you_.--If I were to let my own house, and then to myself take it,
+would it be on the same terms?--No, the buyer is usually sold, but
+the seller loves the first of April.--If another agent were to let my
+house, would you, likewise, expect commission?--Why not? I am the best
+friend of the little lawyer with the long nose.--I was inquiring of
+you about flats.--It were better that you should be _sharp_, Sir.--I
+was not born yesterday (proverb.)--Right (adjective) you are, Sir; we
+will write (verb) to you till you take or let something, not alone
+I, but also some others; if you refuse me something, I will be very
+discontented.--Have you ever let well alone? (idiom).--We have let
+many things alone (bare), but you must, notwithstanding, pay for
+the fixtures.--I think I will be going.--Here are pens, paper, and
+a form of an attorney.--No, I thank you.--We shall not charge for
+this interview, but one must live.--I do not see the necessity
+(_v_. Anecdotes in Appendix).--The Necessity is the mother of the
+inventory.--Who is the Caretaker?--She is the great-grandmother of the
+superannuated laundress. She becomes sleepy during the Winter. Shall
+we send her to your house?--Not if I know it (expletive). Receive
+the assurance (insurance) of my highest consideration. By the bye
+(interjection), which is the topmost storey?--The topmost story is the
+last thing you have heard me mention. I salute you, Sir.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN UPON TRUST.
+
+(_A FAIR-AND-UNFAIRY STORY, FOUNDED UPON A MAGIC ACT._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Once upon a time there existed two fatherless and motherless orphans,
+who were just old enough to work for their living. Unfortunately they
+did not know how to dig, were too proud to beg, and had conscientious
+scruples that prevented them from stealing. Besides, one of the two
+was a girl; and there were not many openings for her. And matters
+would have gone very hard with them, indeed, had not a distant, but
+benevolent relative, kindly died and left them as a legacy a sum of
+money, of which they were to have the interest until they attained
+their majority, when it was to be divided equally between them. They
+were overjoyed, and rushed to the executor, who happened to be a
+lawyer.
+
+"Yes," said the man of costs, "I am indeed charged with the execution
+of the trust, and for your own sakes I hope you will not give me much
+trouble, as I shall, under the conditions of the will, have to make
+you pay for it."
+
+And after he had entered their visit (which he called an attendance)
+in his diary, to be subsequently copied into a ledger, he bowed them
+out.
+
+So the two orphans disappeared a little crestfallen; and they soon
+discovered that their legacy had the faculty of diminishing. The
+lawyer immediately transferred the money, which was invested in
+what he called "second-rate securities," into Consols, and this cost
+something, and considerably diminished their income. When the two
+orphans remonstrated, the lawyer said, that as he made scarcely more
+than out-of-pocket expenses in the matter, he did not feel justified
+in incurring the slightest risk.
+
+"I am only a simple girl," murmured one of the orphans, with a nervous
+blush; "but does not a recent statute give trustees power to invest
+the funds of their _cestui que_ trusts in securities yielding a larger
+return than 2¾ Goschens?"
+
+"Do not bandy words with me, Miss," replied the lawyer, angrily;
+"I shall act as I please, and if you or I ask for the estate to be
+administered, it will cost you a pretty penny."
+
+"Which no doubt will find its way into your pocket," returned the
+maiden, simply. "But surely a 4½ mortgage on real property can be
+obtained without risk, if you do not act contrary to the provisions of
+the Trustee Relief Act?"
+
+But the lawyer was very angry, and threatened her that if she made any
+further complaint he would appeal to the Chancery Division of the High
+Court of Justice, which would mean, probably, the absorption of the
+entire estate in a gigantic bill of costs.
+
+So, with a sigh, the maiden and her brother retired. That night, as
+she was sitting over the fire, before retiring to rest, she had a
+dream, when a nice-looking old gentleman appeared before her, and
+asked her "why she was so sad?"
+
+"Because we have a lawyer for our trustee, who is most unobliging, and
+expensive. I am afraid, kind Sir, _you_ cannot help us."
+
+"Do not say so until you have perused this scroll," he replied, with a
+benevolent smile, and he gave her a paper. "To-morrow, if your trustee
+again threatens you, and offers to retire, take him at his word. If
+I replace him, I will do all you wish--enter into mortgages, invest
+your capital to the best possible advantage, and make myself generally
+amiable."
+
+"But how shall we pay you for so much kindness?" asked the now
+overjoyed maiden.
+
+"By a tariff fixed by the Government. It will be my duty to do my best
+for you, and I shall have no personal interest in running up costs
+like the common (or garden) kind of family Solicitor."
+
+So the next day, when the lawyer began to threaten to resign, the
+orphans took him at his word, and all that the nice-looking old
+gentleman had foretold came to pass. And when the orphans were getting
+the best possible interest for their money, at a trifling expense, the
+maiden looked at the scroll which had been given to her, and found it
+was inscribed, "The Public Trustee Act."
+
+And, so far as the lawyer, who had been discarded, knew (or cared),
+the maiden and her brother lived happily ever afterwards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+More about DICKENS. By the loving hand of PERCY FITZGERALD the
+Bookmaker,--not sporting, but literary. Of making books, with PERCY
+FITZ there is no end. He is the king of the Bookmakers, _Per se Fitz_.
+This time it is the _History of the Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick
+Club_, published by CHAPMAN AND HALL, and "inscribed"--why not
+"dedicated?"--to HENRY FIELDING DICKENS, son of "The Only One,"
+the Master. _Interesting?_ Of course it is, anything about DICKENS,
+specially in connection with the immortal _Pickwick_, must be
+interesting, and for chatty, gossiping bookmaking we only say, "Give
+us Fitz." He is to the manor born. He is neither romancer nor poet:
+"_poeta nascitur non_ 'Fitz.'" Occasionally FITZ is aggravatingly
+reticent. For instance, at page 16 we read, "_Two or three years
+ago_"--which? two or three?--"_a curious and amusing coincidence
+brought the author's son, a barrister in good practice_"--Which son?
+His name? There were more sons than one: were they all barristers? And
+was this one the only one in good practice?--"_into connection with
+his father's famous book. It occurred at a trial on the Circuit._"
+Which Circuit? Which is "_the_ Circuit"? The Baron, who is now the
+Last of the Barons but one, only asks because the phrase "on Circuit"
+would not have required his query; but "on the Circuit" is another
+pair of shoes. "_A trial_." What trial? When? At p. 17, "_The Judge
+entered into the humour of the thing_"--what Judge? The Baron is
+of opinion that in the well-known advertisement about the Waverley
+Pen, quoted in a note at p. 25, the correct order should be, "_The
+Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pen_"--not Pickwick last. Did
+CHARLES DICKENS ever write to FORSTER that he was "_getting on like a
+house o' fire"?_ Surely this should be a "house a-fire," or "a house
+on fire"; for a "house o' fire" means a "house of fire," which is not
+what the expression is intended to convey. At p. 51, in a note, FITZ
+says, "'_Phiz, Whizz,' or something of that kind, was_ T. HOOD's
+_joke_." Was it? If so, where does the joke come in?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+My friend, the late GEORGE ROSE, better known as "ARTHUR SKETCHLEY,"
+used to say that DICKENS took _Sam Weller_ from (as I understood him)
+a character in one of O'KEEFE's comedies. This statement was given
+on the authority of Mr. BAYLE BERNARD. But I am bound to say I can
+find nothing like _Sam_ in O'KEEFE's; but I have found DICKENS there
+bodily. It is in Sc. 1, Act I. of _Life's Vagaries; or, The Neglected
+Son._ "'Oh!' exclaims FANNY, 'if my papa was to see me--oh!' (_Seeing_
+DICKENS, _runs; he stops her._)" And, oddly enough, in this edition of
+1798, frequently as the above-mentioned character appears, it is "on
+this occasion only" that the name is spelt with an "E."
+
+Mr. FITZGERALD, at p. 136 of this book, says, that an actor named
+SAM VALE, appearing as _Simon Splatterdash_, in a piece called _The
+Boarding-House_, was in the habit of "interlarding his conversation
+with metaphorical illustrations"--and then follow the examples. _The
+Boarding-House_, however, is not by O'KEEFE, but, as appears from a
+note in _Sketches by Boz_, was being performed when DICKENS's short
+tale of _The Boarding-House_ appeared. For my part, I long ago came to
+the conclusion that _Sam Weller_ was absolutely an original creation,
+as far, that is, as anything outside the immaterial realms of fancy
+and fairyland can be an original creation. Our FITZ gives CALVERLEY's
+Examination Paper, and also an Oxford imitation of it, which, however,
+is not by any means up to the CALVERLEY-BLADES mark. There is also a
+preface to _Pickwick_, specially interesting, as not being found in
+later editions. Then our Fitz informs us how many dramatic versions of
+_Pickwick_ there have been, some with and some without music, bringing
+the list down to the latest "Dramatic Cantata" (it oughtn't to have
+been so described, as there was dialogue in it), the music of which
+will always hold a first place among the compositions of the Musical
+Baron's friend claiming to be the gifted descendant of the Wise and
+Musical King SOLOMON.
+
+Altogether a vote of thanks should be presented to Mr. PERCY
+FITZGERALD for his entertaining, instructive, and most readable book
+on the immortal _Pickwick_, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION.
+
+_Husband_ (_off to Paris_). "DON'T CRY, DARLING. IT'S _TOO_ SAD TO
+LEAVE YOU, I _KNOW_! BUT YOU CAN TALK TO ME THERE JUST AS IF WE WERE
+TOGETHER--ONLY BE CAREFUL, AS IT'S EXPENSIVE!"
+
+_Wife_. "IS IT, DARLING? HA-HA-HADN'T YOU BETTER LEAVE ME A FEW BLANK
+CHEQUES?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TALKING BY TIME.
+
+The growing pressure of the business having already obliged the
+Belgium Postal Authorities to cut down the time allowed for a
+telephonic communication between Paris and Brussels, from five minutes
+to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of public patronage that
+may be expected when the wire is opened between London and the French
+Capital, will soon necessitate the substitution, in place of the
+promised ten minutes, of an allowance to each speaker of a minute,
+or at most a minute and a half for his interview, which it may
+confidently be expected will not unfrequently take the following
+shape:--
+
+_Inexorable Official_. Now, Sir; your turn next.
+
+    [_Shuts intending London Talker in, and switches him "on."_
+
+_London Talker_. Dear me! How quick they are, one hardly knows what
+one is about. I wonder how loud, now, one ought to speak. Better
+shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first. (_At the top of his voice through
+the tube._) Hullo! Hi! I say. Are you there?
+
+_Paris Listener_ (_replying_). Oh! don't bawl like that. Of course I'm
+here, I've been waiting quite half a minute; thought you were never
+going to begin. But I suppose it is JONES I am speaking to?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh yes, I'm JONES. It's all right. But can't you
+recognise my voice?
+
+_Paris Listener_. Not when you bawl fit to break the drum of one's
+ear. But come, now, get on quick with what you want to say.
+
+_London Talker_. All right--I'll get on. But now tell me, do I pitch
+my voice about right now? Can you catch distinctly all I say?
+
+_Paris Listener_. Oh yes! Bother! But do get on. Timesgoifast.
+
+_London Talker_. What? I didn't catch that last word. Time's what?
+
+_Paris Listener_ (_very distinctly, with emphasis_). I
+said--that--time--was--going fast. Can you hear that?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh yes, I can hear that, and most distinctly. Really,
+it is a most wonderful invention.
+
+_Paris Listener_. Oh, bother the invention! Do come to business! What
+did you want me for?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh. of course. Well, it was just this. I thought--
+
+_Inexorable Official_. Time's up, Sir. Trouble you to make room for
+this Lady.
+
+    [_Switches him "off," and turns him out._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"
+
+Mr. JOHN BULL _loquitur_:--
+
+  "Love me, love my Dog!" Well, _I_ don't want to flog
+    The fine but excitable fellow.
+  With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail
+    To bounce round a bit, and to bellow.
+  I'd do my square best with the greatest good will,
+  If only he'd--just for a moment--stand still.
+
+  Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip
+    On one's caudal appendage? Ah, just so!
+  I know 'tis a task that seems _too_ much to ask.
+    I'm reasonable,--or I trust so.
+  But there _is_ the Lobster, it's holding on fast.
+  And--hang it! this state of affairs cannot last!
+
+  How came it about? That's a matter of doubt,
+    Which there isn't much use in discussing,
+  To part them's my aim; I would manage that same
+    Without either fighting or fussing.
+  Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it nice
+  To live very long with its tail in a vice!
+
+  I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear!
+    The Dog to my call won't attend. I
+  Conceive, if he would, it might be for his good,
+    I'd hit on some _modus vivendi_.
+  But if Dog _won't_ stand still, and if Lobster _won't_ loose,
+  My heartiest help cannot be of much use.
+
+  One ANDROCLES bold eased a lion of old
+    Of a thorn in his foot--a great worry!
+  But ANDROCLES, sure, would have failed of a cure
+    If poor Leo had kept on the scurry,
+  As you, my dear Dog, do at present. _Verb. sap.!_
+  Do just let me _get at_ the Lobster, old chap!
+
+  While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle and wail,
+    And romp all around, the best master,
+  And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't part.
+    _Don't_ think I deride your disaster!
+  The pinch of it might make an elephant prance;
+  No, all that I ask is--_just give me a chance!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"
+
+JOHN BULL. "IF I COULD ONLY GET HIM TO STAND STILL, I COULD SOON
+SETTLE THE LOBSTER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TEN MINUTES' IDYL.
+
+  Life is a farce, a dreary round,
+    A fraud--of that there's not a doubt,
+  Although I've only lately found
+                     It out.
+
+  Bad boldly masquerades as good,
+    Fruit turns to ashes in the taking,
+  Unpleasant very is the rude
+                     Awaking.
+
+  'Tis Spring, when something, so one learns,
+    Seems to affect the burnished dove,
+  And when a young man's fancy turns
+                     To love.
+
+  With window open to the breeze,
+    The tramp of passers-by unheeding,
+  I sit reclining at mine ease,
+                     A-reading.
+
+  I've read enough--and not amiss
+    I rather fancy now would be
+  A little rest--ah! what is this
+                     I see?
+
+  A sight that's almost past belief,
+    And makes me think I must be raving,
+  For there a girl a handkerchief
+                     Is waving!
+
+  Like to a light that in the black
+    And inky night shines o'er the main,
+  It disappears, and then comes back
+                     Again.
+
+  I know the house quite well--I've heard
+    Her father's something in the City,
+  And she's a blue-eyed girl absurd-
+                     -ly pretty.
+
+  By Jove! she does it with a whirr,
+    It's clear this inexpressive she
+  Is given to the _fortiter_
+                     _In re_.
+
+  Of course it's forward--and indeed
+    It's worse--it's shockingly imprudent
+  Thus to encourage me, a need-
+                      -y student.
+
+  Her form is shadowy--I must
+    Get out my glasses, so to bring
+  Her nearer. Yes--the range is just
+                     The thing!
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Life is a farce, without a doubt!
+    The cause of all this fuss and fluster
+  Is just a housemaid shaking out
+                     Her duster!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THEIR EASTER EGGS.
+
+_Lord Salisbury_.--Allegorical Cartoon representing BRITANNIA
+astonished at the success of her recent Foreign Policy.
+
+_Mr. Gladstone_.--Pocket Edition of Cyclopædia of Universal
+Information, copiously illustrated, for the use of veteran Statesmen.
+
+_The Emperor of Germany_.--Prize Homily on the Art of Governing, with
+special reference to the science as applied to the subordination of
+"temper."
+
+_Mr. Parnell_.--Sculptured Group representing the Reptile of Egotism
+turning the tables on St. Patrick, and endeavouring to drive him out
+of Ireland.
+
+_The President of the United States_.--An Italian Iron--over-heated.
+
+_Ex-King Milan of Servia_.--A Monthly Cheque for amusement and
+travelling expenses, but not including a return ticket to Belgrade.
+
+_The Post-Master-General_.--One hundred Receipts for getting into hot
+water.
+
+_Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris_.--Draft Proposal for buying up and
+working the British Government with duly audited Schedule, showing how
+the "takings" could be more than doubled by spirited management.
+
+_Mr. Jackson of Clitheroe_.--Prize Farce entitled, "Lynch Law and
+Conjugal Rights."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--
+
+TO DINNER.
+
+(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._)
+
+NO. III.--THE GREAT UNKNOWN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  _He_ was a dapper, dumpy thing,
+    With nought decisive on him graven
+  But smiles, like footlights flickering
+              O'er visage shaven.
+
+  And _it_, that kind of social myth
+    Where every guest (and each a rum one)
+  Is Somebody, because the kith
+              Or kin of Someone.
+
+  The Great Siberian Victim's Aunt,
+    The Godfather of Colonel CODY,
+  And some affinity I can't
+              Recall to DAUDET.
+
+  In fine, a Tussaud's once removed,
+    Not waxworks, but their far connections;
+  The names, the attitudes, approved,
+              But mere reflections.
+
+  Our hostess, wont to pedigree
+    Her portents, slurred his surname sweetly;
+  So up my smiler tripped--to me
+              Unknown completely.
+
+  Thus mystified, I needs must bruit
+    The weather--"It was rainy, rather."
+  "Yes," he rejoined, "It does not suit
+              My Poet-father:
+
+  "Strange how the damp affects great men;
+    My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist,
+  You know paints always smartest when
+              It rains the smartest."
+
+  "In _water_-colours?" feebly next
+    I faltered, falling quite to pieces:
+  "No, no," he murmured mildly vexed,
+              "_You_ mean my nieces.
+
+  "Those delicate young paintresses
+    Of Idyls in Cobalt and Bistre,
+  Though for Impressionist success,
+              Give me my sister.
+
+  "My nephew, he's inspired of course,
+    Divine, quite _autre chose: en bref_ you--
+  Forgive an uncle's pride--perforce
+              Adore my nephew."
+
+  Reeling with Relatives, I quite
+    My compass lost: to shift our bearing,
+  "Who is the Lady on your right?"
+              Quoth I, despairing.
+
+  "That Beauty, like the portraits I've
+    For sale beheld of Miss BELLE BILTON."--
+  "She? She's the representative,
+              The last, of MILTON!"
+
+  This was too much: what _could_ I try
+    To burst from such a tangled tether?
+  The shops for neutral ground, thought I,
+              Eclipse the weather.
+
+  The shops! The very thing. I dared
+    The shops. "How wonderful was WHITELEY!"
+  Dazed at the Wizard's name he stared,
+              And shuddered slightly.
+
+  A silence froze his ready twang:
+    No more he smiled--from that fell minute,
+  HENRY THE FIRST--to speak in slang--
+              Was scarcely in it.
+
+  That smilelessness! What meant the curse?
+    Who could the skein unravel? I did.
+  This was the Diner "Univers-
+              -ally provided."
+
+  Renowned, if nameless--hired to be
+    Salvation of a banquet's ruin,
+  "Monsieur Le Quatorzième" took me,
+              And may take you in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MERRY GREEN WOOD.
+
+_AN "EPPING FOREST" CHORUS._
+
+    "For ever and again the Corporation of London send down their
+    _protégés_, the young City sportsmen who may, or may not, know
+    how to load a gun, but who are very keen on 'Sport.' Then the
+    herds are driven by beaters towards the gallant huntsmen, the
+    forest re-echoes with the report of guns, and next day you
+    can trace the whereabouts of the wounded bucks and deer by
+    tracks of blood among the bushes, and by impressions on the
+    grass where the maimed creature has fallen in its flight for
+    life."--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+_Chorus of Huntsmen._
+
+  Oh, we like,--we love the Merry Green Wood,
+    As should Huntsmen bold of the proper sort!
+  And we would hit the stag _if we possibly could_,--
+    As is meet with such palpable sons of Sport.
+  Away to the forest we cheerily run,
+    And wait for the beaters' welcome cry;
+  And though we are new to the use of a gun,
+  What matters? At anything we'll let fly!
+  So Sing hey, sing ho, for the startled deer;
+  We warrant we'll hit him, if _he_ comes near
+  And we'll send him lame and limping away,
+  With a shot he'll remember for many a day!
+  For marry come up! But it would be absurd
+  To expect a bold Sportsman to bag the whole herd!
+  So he blazes away; and he hits one or two;
+  And they hobble away in some thicket to lie,
+  And, after a day or two's suffering, die;
+  We don't see precisely what more we could do,
+  Than shout that "we love the Merry Green Wood!"
+  And would settle the stag,--_if we possibly could!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following advertisement appears in the _Standard_:--
+
+    A Lady wishes to have twice from the country a SUPPLY of LIVE
+    SPARROWS, for a favourite cat.--Address, &c.
+
+There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty look about this "Lady's"
+desire to supply her favourite cat with some downright real Sport. For
+it is to be presumed that she intends her well-cared for pet literally
+to do the unhappy sparrows to death in the most approved fashion. How
+will she manage it? Clip their wings, and set them on the drawing-room
+floor; or tie strings to their legs, and let the favourite cat "go for
+them?" Cats must be fed. But it is not necessary to provide them with
+a "Supply of Live Sparrows" twice, or even once. We submit the subject
+to the notice of the S.P.C.A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE POUND NOTES.--Probable rate that a fashionable _prima donna_ will
+charge for a song in the near future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APRIL FOOLS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY!
+
+_Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman loquitur_:--
+
+  Yesh, HARRY LAWSHUN mosh entirely righ'!
+  WILFRIDSH mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh'
+  Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw snakesh.
+  Frigh'ful to watch 'em wrigglung, when one wakesh
+  Over the quilterpane--I mean counterquilt.
+  Liqnorsh are lovely, when you're that waysh built;
+  But snakesh ish pizen! So ish liquorsh, too--
+  Leastwaysh, so WILFRIDSH LAWSHON and hish crew
+  Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash'ral Museum,
+  Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee 'em!
+  All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twirls, and twiddles;
+  Tails like long corkscrewsh, gogglesh in their middles;
+  Big headsh, and bony bodysh--frigh'fully frisky!
+  Fancy sush things living in Irish Whishky,
+  Like animalcu--what's it? in--_hic_--water!
+  No matter! I've sworn offsh! POLLY, my daughter,
+  Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now!
+  To Heaven's broad blue vault I lift my brow,
+  A shober Br--Bri'sh Workman! So old DUMPER,
+  The lecturer, putsh it. He'sh a rare tub-thumper!
+  Itsh Easter Shunday, and I am not tigh'!
+  Bri'sh Workman--Nash'ral Museum! Thatsh or'righ'.
+  Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed ginger-beer
+  Gassysh--go i' my head an' makesh me queer!
+  One nipsh!--no, no! won't do! Wherream I? Lor!
+  Strai' on, the plishman says, through tha' there door.
+  Doorsh blesshed wide, and these 'ere big shop-cases
+  With bitsh o' stone and beedlesh!--Yah! Thosh faces!
+  Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and bony!
+  Thosh wrigglewigglements! I'll bet a pony
+  _Thish_ ish no Nash'ral Museum--Nash--_hic_--ral Hishtory!
+  Look at 'em! _Look_ at 'em!! Oh, hersh a mystery!
+  POLLYSH,--where are yer? Where'sh that blesshed bottle?
+  I'vesh got a peck o' March dust down my throttle.
+  Give ush that gin--ger beersh, o' course, I mean.
+  Look, POLLY!--shee that creature long and lean,
+  Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it
+  With thish 'ere Bri's'h Museum! Wai' a minute!
+  Where am I? Whersh tha' girl? Can't read this lingo!
+  "Mega--" It moves! _Got 'em again, by Jingo!!!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON.
+
+(_At the Natural History Museum._)
+
+_Visitor_. "HULLO! I SAY, I'VE GOT 'EM AGIN! GI' ME THE BLUE RIBBON!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+_March 10_.--It has come at last, and I'm free to confess I don't care
+for it half as much as I thought I should. I got the letter five days
+ago. Here it is:--
+
+    45, _Main Street, Billsbury, March 4, 18--._
+
+Sir,--I have been in communication with headquarters, and I am
+informed that you are looking out for a Constituency at the next
+General Election. We have been for some time past endeavouring to
+find a Candidate for this Borough, and should be glad to hear if we
+may submit your name to the consideration of our local Council. The
+political history of Billsbury must be known to you. Up to the date of
+the last election we have always been represented by a Conservative.
+In fact, Billsbury was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress
+of sound Constitutional opinion.
+
+Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the Constituency
+the time and attention it required. Moreover, I may mention in strict
+confidence, that his conduct over the Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme
+alienated a considerable number of his supporters, and the consequence
+was that at the last election Sir THOMAS CHUBSON, the Liberal
+Candidate and present Member for Billsbury, was elected by a majority
+of 279. Since then, however, the Party has rallied, the divisions in
+our ranks have been healed, the registrations have been very much in
+our favour, and there is no reason to doubt that, as soon as Billsbury
+has the chance, she will return to her ancient allegiance. I shall
+be in London the day after to-morrow (Thursday, March 6), and shall
+do myself the honour of calling upon you. Kindly let me know where
+and when I can see you. I shall be glad to afford you any further
+information.
+
+    Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND,
+
+_To RICHARD B. PATTLE, Esq., President Billsbury Conservative
+Association. Dr. Johnson Buildings, Temple, E.C._
+
+I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged me
+to accept, and told me that even if I failed, which they said was
+extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an irresistible claim
+on the Party." Afterwards saw VULLIAMY, the Member for one of the
+Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of course you must. Ridiculous
+to hesitate. A youngster like you, who only left College four years
+ago, ought to be proud of the chance. If you're beaten you'll have a
+claim on the Party, and mind you don't let 'em forget it. Curse them,
+they never think of a man's valuable services if he doesn't keep on
+reminding them himself;" and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an
+hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how "the shabby beggars"
+had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It seems the other
+side manage their business much better. Next I called on Uncle HENRY
+in the City. He said he'd stick to his promise of paying half my
+expenses, but wouldn't help me to nurse the place. However, I daresay
+that won't cost much. Eventually wrote to Old TOLLAND, and asked
+him to call at my Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home
+and told my mother. She said, "My darling boy, I knew you would be
+distinguished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had only
+lived, he would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind you have that
+horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery." And with that she
+kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the news. I sloped.
+
+On Thursday Old TOLLAND called. It seems he's an Alderman, and I
+only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted to know, What were my
+views on the Labour Question? Was I an Eight Hours' man? How about
+Vaccination and Woman's Suffrage? and all kinds of other rubbish.
+I had to beat about a good deal, and answer generally, but at last
+I consented to address the Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the
+day. If accepted, I shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go
+through it all again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose
+it's the usual way.
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RIGHTS OF COUNSEL.
+
+(_BY A CLIENT_.)
+
+  Oh, what are the "rights" of the Q.C.?
+  The point of the question but few see.
+        Those rights are to do
+        What suits _him_, if not _you_!
+  Faith! that's the whole business _in nuce_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOKIN'S LATEST.--"The Surplus will be anything but a _dry_ subject
+this year, as it is owing to a steady or (probably) unsteady
+consumption of Drink!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 23_.--Easter Holidays begin
+to-morrow; to-night last rally round RAIKES; Postmaster harried from
+both sides of House; the Contumacious COBB begins it; comments on
+Coroner's conduct beginning to pall on accustomed appetite; references
+to delicate investigation in judicial circles falling flat; so turns
+upon POSTMASTER-GENERAL. Wants to know about the Boy Messengers?
+Pack in full cry; RAIKES pelted with newspapers, assailed with
+over-weighted letters; late at night CAMERON comes up quite
+fresh, desiring to "call attention to the position taken up by the
+POSTMASTER-GENERAL with regard to the Electric Call and Boy Messenger
+System," just as if he had at the moment made the discovery.
+
+[Illustration: "Wonderful!"]
+
+In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol; explains
+it's the thing you work the electric call with. You press a button
+here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda; another button, and you
+have a sausage and a hot potato; a third, and your boots are suddenly
+pulled off by an unseen agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated
+in a hansom cab, with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay
+your fare withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the
+morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with the
+machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who ought to have
+been called at this hour.
+
+GANE, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat entranced, listening to
+this interesting narrative, and watching the illustrations rapidly
+produced by CAMERON, as he touched the various buttons.
+
+"Wonderful!" cried GANE, Q.C. "Never knew anything like it since I
+read _Arabian Nights_."
+
+"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON.
+
+Must think this over during the Recess.
+
+For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House, falling
+into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy tale.
+
+[Illustration: The Pillary Post.]
+
+"It's only postponed, TOBY," he said, wearily, CAMERON (having
+accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly carried off to
+bed in the middle of a sentence; "they'll be at me again to-morrow,
+and will begin once more, like giants refreshed, when they come back
+from the holidays. It's an old story; the House of Commons must always
+have its whipping-boy. Don't know whether you've sat long enough for
+Barks to remember AYRTON? A dead set was made against him, and he
+was not only driven out of office, but forth from public life. It's
+generally the HOME SECRETARY who is fastened on. There was WALPOLE,
+chronically reduced to tears. BRUCE was chivied by the cabmen, and
+had his hat blocked by the publicans. The blameless HARCOURT didn't
+go scot free whilst he was at the Home Office. MATTHEWS has had a long
+run, with the hounds after him. Now they've turned aside from him,
+and are yelping after me. It's very well for MATTHEWS, but a little
+worrying for me. Of course I don't claim to be perfect. As HARCOURT
+once admitted of himself, I'm almost human, I try to do my duty, and
+protect the interests of Department committed to my charge. They come
+in touch with all classes, and naturally there is friction. Just now
+the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised. Perhaps it'll fall
+away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather wearing, so pitilessly
+monotonous. As you said the other day, a new constitutional maxim
+has been established. Once OLD MORALITY used to write in his
+copybook, 'The QUEEN can Do no Wrong.' Now he may add this
+other, 'The POSTMASTER-GENERAL Does Nothing Right.'" _Business
+done._--Miscellaneous.
+
+_Tuesday Afternoon_.--Winding up business before holiday; rather a
+scramble at the end. OLD MORALITY, as usual, piled up heap of work
+to be got through. "Quite easy, you know," he said. "Tithes Bill,
+Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill, Savings Bank Bill, take them
+in your stride. What does the poet say? Line upon Line; Little by
+Little; Here to-day and gone To-morrow. Those are the sound economical
+principles that should guide a man through life."
+
+At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here to-day, we
+wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last stage took a lot
+of fighting over. House wouldn't have Electoral Disabilities Removal
+Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at any price.
+
+"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in despair.
+
+[Illustration: "Stole Away!"]
+
+"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled out
+manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the under-pay
+of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST folded his tent
+like the Arab, and as silently stole away. Example followed generally
+by Members in all parts of the House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying
+himself, composedly went on to end of speech, and then adjournment.
+SPEAKER "kept in" till Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal
+Commission. Rest off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.
+
+_Business done_.--Wound up for Easter Holidays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRITICISING THE CALENDAR.
+
+SIR,--The suggestion of your Correspondent "EASTER EGG," who
+wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming on April 20, is
+excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the other tide, depends on
+the moon. What a humiliating confession! Why should we any longer
+consent to be the slaves of the (so-called) Science of Astronomy?
+
+    Yours, REFORMING SPIRIT.
+
+SIR,--What's all this fuss about Easter being too early this year?
+It isn't half early enough. It ought to have come last Christmas,
+and Whitsuntide the same, and then we should have polished off three
+public holiday seasons--public nuisances, _I_ call them,--at once.
+
+    Yours, gloomily, TRUE PHILANTHROPIST.
+
+SIR,--I have just been horrified to hear that one of my boys now at
+home from school remains with us for a three weeks' vacation! The
+early date of Easter is the paltry excuse offered by his Headmaster
+for this infliction. Anybody can see through such a flimsy pretext.
+His brother is to have _his_ holiday four weeks later. The result is
+that the boys will see nothing of each other during their holidays,
+while their parents will see a great deal too much. How can brotherly
+affection--I say nothing of fatherly affection,--that priceless
+blessing, which I flatter myself I always conspicuously display--be
+expected to continue under these depressing conditions?
+
+    Yours, exasperatedly, FOND PARENT.
+
+SIR,--As peeple are riting lettres to you about the Easter holy-days,
+I should like you to put in what old BOREHAM--he's our Principul--has
+been doing. We all think it a thundring shame. He kept us grinding
+away right through Good Friday, Easter Monday, and means us to go
+on several weeks afterwards! The result was we had about half a Hot
+Cross-Bun each! Old BOREHAM akshally fixed Easter Monday for going
+over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese would you say something in
+your valyble collums about old BOREHAM, and oblige
+
+    Yours, obedjiently, SMITH (_Tertius_), _Rodchester_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, April 4, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13297 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13297 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>April 4, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157"
+       id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless
+    Ibsenite.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>No. II.-NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVÖIT).</h3>
+
+    <h4>ACT I.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture.
+        Gimcracks in an étagère; a festoon of chenille monkeys
+        hanging from the gaselier. Japanese fans, skeletons,
+        cotton-wool spiders, frogs, and lizards, scattered
+        everywhere about. Drain-pipes with tall dyed grasses. A
+        porcelain stove decorated with transferable pictures.
+        Showily-bound books in book-case. Window. The Visitors'
+        bell rings in the hall outside. The hall-door is heard to
+        open, and then to shut. Presently</i> NORA <i>walks in with
+        parcels; a Porter carries a large Christmas-tree after
+        her&mdash;which he puts down</i>. NORA <i>gives him a
+        shilling&mdash;and he goes out grumbling</i>. NORA <i>hums
+        contentedly, and eats macaroons. Then</i> HELMER <i>puts
+        his head out of his Manager's room, and</i> NORA <i>hides
+        macaroons cautiously.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>playfully</i>). Is that my little squirrel
+    twittering&mdash;that my lark frisking in here?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. Ess! (<i>To herself.</i>) I have only been
+    married eight years, so these marital amenities have not yet
+    had time to pall!</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157.png"
+             alt="'Boo!'" /></a>"Boo!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>threatening with his finger</i>). I hope
+    the little bird has surely not been digging its beak into any
+    macaroons, eh?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>bolting one, and wiping her mouth</i>). No,
+    most certainly not. (<i>To herself</i>.) The worst of being so
+    babyish is&mdash;one <i>does</i> have to tell such a lot of
+    taradiddles! (<i>To H.</i>) See what <i>I</i>'ve
+    bought&mdash;it's been <i>such</i> fun!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Hums.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>inspecting parcels</i>). H'm&mdash;rather
+    an <i>expensive</i> little lark!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Takes her playfully by the ear.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. Little birds like to have a flutter
+    occasionally. Which reminds me&mdash;(<i>Plays with his
+    coat-buttons.</i>) I'm such a simple ickle sing&mdash;but if
+    you <i>are</i> thinking of giving me a Christmas present, make
+    it cash.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. Just like your poor father, <i>he</i> always
+    asked me to make it cash&mdash;he never made any himself! It's
+    heredity, I suppose. Well&mdash;well!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Goes back to his Bank</i>. NORA <i>goes on
+        humming.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Enter</i> Mrs. LINDEN, <i>doubtfully.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. What, CHRISTINA&mdash;why, how old you look!
+    But then you are poor. I'm not. TORVALD has just been made a
+    Bank Manager. (<i>Tidies the room.</i>) Isn't it really
+    wonderfully delicious to be well off? But, of course, you
+    wouldn't know. <i>We</i> were poor once, and, do you know, when
+    TORVALD was ill, I&mdash;(<i>tossing her head</i>)&mdash;though
+    I <i>am</i> such a frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I
+    actually borrowed £300 for him to go abroad. Wasn't <i>that</i>
+    clever? Tra-la-la! I shan't tell you <i>who</i> lent it. I
+    didn't even tell TORVALD. I am such a mere baby I don't tell
+    him everything. I tell Dr. RANK, though. Oh, I'm so awfully
+    happy I should like to shout, "Dash it all!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Linden</i> (<i>stroking her hair</i>). Do&mdash;it
+    is a natural and innocent outburst&mdash;you are such a child!
+    But I am a widow, and want employment. <i>Do</i> you think your
+    husband could find me a place as clerk in his Bank?
+    (<i>Proudly.</i>) I am an excellent knitter!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. That would really be awfully funny. (<i>To</i>
+    HELMER, <i>who enters.</i>) TORVALD, this is CHRISTINA; she
+    wants to be a clerk in your Bank&mdash;<i>do</i> let her! She
+    thinks such a lot of <i>you</i>. (<i>To herself.</i>) Another
+    taradiddle!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. She is a sensible woman, and deserves
+    encouragement. Come along, Mrs. LINDEN, and we'll see what we
+    can do for you.</p>
+
+    <p>[<i>He goes out through the hall with</i> Mrs. L., <i>and
+    the front-door is heard to slam after them.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>opens door, and calls</i>). Now, EMMY, IVAR,
+    and BOB, come in and have a romp with Mamma&mdash;we will play
+    hide-and-seek. (<i>She gets under the table, smiling in quiet
+    satisfaction</i>; KROGSTAD <i>enters</i>&mdash;NORA <i>pounces
+    out upon him</i>). Boo!... Oh, I <i>beg</i> your pardon. I
+    don't do this kind of thing <i>generally</i>&mdash;though I may
+    be a little silly!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Krogstad</i> (<i>politely</i>). Don't mention it. I
+    called because I happened to see your husband go out with MRS.
+    LINDEN&mdash;from which, being a person of considerable
+    penetration, I infer that he is about to give her my post at
+    the Bank. Now, as you owe me the balance of £300, for which I
+    hold your acknowledgment, you will see the propriety of putting
+    a stop to this little game at once.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. But I don't at all&mdash;not a little wee bit!
+    I'm so childish, you know&mdash;why <i>should</i> I?
+    [<i>Sitting upright on carpet.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Krogs.</i> I will try to make it plain to the meanest
+    capacity. When you came to me for the loan, I naturally
+    required some additional security. Your father, being a shady
+    Government official, without a penny&mdash;for, if he had
+    possessed one, he would, presumably, have left it to
+    you&mdash;without a penny, then, I, as a cautious man of
+    business, insisted upon having his signature as a surety. Oh,
+    we Norwegians are sharp fellows!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. Well, you <i>got</i> Papa's signature, didn't
+    you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Krogs.</i> Oh, I <i>got</i> it right enough.
+    Unfortunately, it was dated three days after his
+    decease&mdash;now, how do you account for <i>that</i>?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. How? Why, as poor Papa was dead, and couldn't
+    sign, I signed <i>for</i> him, that's all! Only somehow I
+    forgot to put the date back. <i>That's</i> how. Didn't I
+    <i>tell</i> you I was a silly, unbusinesslike little thing?
+    It's very simple.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Krogs.</i> Very&mdash;but what you did amounts to
+    forgery, notwithstanding. I happen to know, because I'm a
+    lawyer, and have done a little in the forging way myself. So,
+    to come to the point&mdash;if <i>I</i> get kicked out, I shall
+    not go alone! [<i>He bows, and goes out.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. It <i>can't</i> be wrong! Why no one but
+    KROGSTAD would have been taken in by it! If the Law says it's
+    wrong, the Law's a goose&mdash;a bigger goose than poor little
+    me even! (<i>To</i> HELMER, <i>who enters</i>.) Oh, TORVALD,
+    how you made me jump!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. Has anybody called? (NORA <i>shakes her
+    head</i>.) Oh, my little squirrel mustn't tell naughty
+    whoppers! Why, I just met that fellow KROGSTAD in the hall.
+    He's been asking you to get me to take him back&mdash;now,
+    hasn't he?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>walking about</i>). Do just see how pretty
+    the Christmas-tree looks!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. Never mind the tree&mdash;I want to have this
+    out about KROGSTAD. I can't take him back, because many years
+    ago he forged a name. As a lawyer, a close observer of human
+    nature, and a Bank Manager, I have remarked that people who
+    forge names seldom or never confide the fact to their
+    children&mdash;which inevitably brings moral contagion into the
+    entire family. From which it follows, logically, that KROGSTAD
+    has been poisoning his children for years by acting a part, and
+    is morally lost. (<i>Stretches out his hands to her.</i>) I
+    can't bear a morally lost Bank-cashier about me!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. But you never thought of dismissing him till
+    CHRISTINA came!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. H'm! I've got some business to attend
+    to&mdash;so good-bye, little lark! [<i>Goes into office and
+    shuts door.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>pale with terror</i>). If KROGSTAD poisons
+    his children because he once forged a name, I must be poisoning
+    EMMY, and BOB, and IVAR, because <i>I</i> forged Papa's
+    signature! (<i>Short pause; she raises her head proudly.</i>)
+    After all, if I <i>am</i> a doll, I can still draw a logical
+    induction! I mustn't play with the children any
+    more&mdash;(<i>hotly</i>)&mdash;I don't care&mdash;I
+    <i>shall</i>, though! Who cares for KROGSTAD?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as
+        Curtain falls.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>N.B.&mdash;The tremendous psychological problem of whether
+    NORA is as much of a doll, a squirrel, and a lark, as she
+    seems, and if so, whether it is her own fault, or HELMER's or
+    Society's, will be solved in subsequent numbers.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.&mdash;At last by the authority of
+    the L.C.C. his Grace of BEDFORD has been notified that within
+    three months from now "Locks, bolts, and bars must fly asunder"
+    in the parish of St. Pancras, where henceforth existence of all
+    such obstruction is to cease. We hope that the gate-keepers,
+    whose occupation is gone, have been amply provided for, as they
+    will now have no gates, but only themselves to keep. <i>Mr.
+    Punch</i> has persistently advocated the reform. And now,
+    Gentlemen, how about Mud Salad Market, which, like Scotland in
+    <i>Macbeth's</i> time, "stands where it did"?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158"
+       id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/158.png"
+             alt="FASCINATION!" /></a>
+
+        <h3>FASCINATION!</h3>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>"APOLLONIUS, by some probable conjectures, found her
+            out to be a serpent, a Lamia; and that all her
+            furniture was, like Tantalus's gold described by HOMER,
+            no substance, but mere illusion."&mdash;<i>Burton's
+            Anatomy of Melancholy.</i>]</p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <div class="poem">
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>A LAMIA, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most
+                unequivocal, betray the Snake;</p>
+
+                <p>As fell ophidian as in fierce meridian of Afric
+                ever lurked in swamp or brake;</p>
+
+                <p>And yet Corinthian LYCIUS never doted on the
+                white-throated charmer of his soul</p>
+
+                <p>With blinder passion than our fools of
+                Fashion</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">Feel for this gruesome ghoul.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Poor LYCIUS had excuse. Who might refuse worship
+                to Lamia, "now a lady bright"?</p>
+
+                <p>But foul-fanged here, fierce-eyed, a shape of
+                fear, the serpent stands,</p>
+
+                <p>revealed to general sight,</p>
+
+                <p>A loathly thing, close knotted ring on ring, of
+                guise unlovely, and infectious breath;</p>
+
+                <p>And yet strong witchery draws to those wide
+                jaws</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">Whose touch is shameful
+                death.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page159"
+                   id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>See how the flattering things on painted wings,
+                foolish as gnat-swarms near the shrivelling
+                blaze,</p>
+
+                <p>Flock nearer, nearer! Forms, too, quainter,
+                queerer, frog-dupes of folly, rabbit-thralls of
+                craze,</p>
+
+                <p>Butterfly triflers, gay-plumed would-be riflers
+                of golden chalices, of poisoned flowers,</p>
+
+                <p>Flitter and flutter in delirium utter,</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">As drawn by wizard powers.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Oh, "Painted Lady," Summer coverts shady, the
+                greenwood home, the sweep of sunny fields,</p>
+
+                <p>A butterfly befit; but where's the wit that
+                mire-befouled to the swamp-demon yields?</p>
+
+                <p>Oh, birds of Iris-glitter, black and bitter will
+                be the wakening when those gaudy plumes</p>
+
+                <p>Fall crushed and leaden, as your senses
+                deaden</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">In poisonous Python fumes!</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Ye <i>gobemouche</i> creatures of batrachian
+                features, who "go a-wooing" such a fate as
+                this,</p>
+
+                <p>Have ye no vision of that doom's decision? Have
+                ye no ear for rattle or for hiss?</p>
+
+                <p>Salammbô's craving, morbid and enslaving, was
+                sanity compared with your mad love,</p>
+
+                <p>As well the swallow the fierce shrike might
+                follow,</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">Or hawk be chased by dove!</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Tantalus' gold is all such Lamias hold; 'tis
+                Devil's dice such Mammon vassals throw;</p>
+
+                <p>A sordid fever fires each fool-believer in the
+                gross glitter, the unholy glow.</p>
+
+                <p>Vile is your Dagon! Circe's venomed flagon
+                embruted less than doth the Lamia's wine,</p>
+
+                <p>Than Comus' cup more perilous to sup&mdash;</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">As snakes are worse than swine.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>The poet's snake enchanted, who so flaunted her
+                borrowed robes amidst the daffodils,</p>
+
+                <p>Hath piteous touches. She, from Fate's clutches,
+                free some brief space, "escaped from so sore
+                ills,"</p>
+
+                <p>Moves our compassion. But this modern fashion of
+                Snake Enchanter looks unlovely all.</p>
+
+                <p>Greed's inspiration its sole fascination.</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">Low selfishness its thrall.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>"A Serpent!" So the Sophist murmured low, and
+                "LYCIUS' arms were empty of delight,"</p>
+
+                <p>LAMIA had fled! Would that some sage cool head,
+                some modern APOLLONIUS, with the might</p>
+
+                <p>Of sense magnanimous, would banish thus the
+                bestial Lamia of our later day,</p>
+
+                <p>Whose fascination draws a noble nation</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">To sordid slow decay!</p>
+            </div>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>DANTE NOT "IN IT"!&mdash;The Italian language is to be
+    excluded from the Indian Civil Service Examination. "The story
+    is extant, and written in very choice Italian," said
+    <i>Hamlet</i>, and SHAKSPEARE knew that the reference would be
+    intelligible to his audience. But <i>Hamlet</i> "up to date" in
+    this "so-called nineteenth century" would be compelled to give
+    the speech thus, "The original story, I believe, is written in
+    the Italian language, with which none of us here are
+    acquainted." But, after all, the candidates may be inclined to
+    adapt the Gilbert-Sullivan words and music to the occasion, and
+    sing&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"So, in spite of all temptation,</p>
+
+            <p>At the next examination</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They'll bar I-tal-i-an!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Though, years hence, it may happen that they'll be sorry
+    they weren't compelled to get up Italian as one of the
+    subjects.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOUR OF EASE!"&mdash;which line would make
+    a suitable motto for our very useful, chatty, and interesting
+    weekly contemporary entitled <i>Woman. À propos</i> of
+    "headings," the only one in the above-mentioned publication to
+    which objection can possibly be taken "on the face of it" is
+    "Wrinkles." Wouldn't "Whispers" be better? It is quite enough
+    for <i>Woman</i> to appear with lines, but it's too bad that
+    wrinkles should be added while she is yet so young.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."&mdash;Once again occurs an
+    illustration of the applicability of Dickensian characters to
+    modern instances. In last Thursday's <i>Times</i>, by special
+    Razzle-Dalziel wire, we read of the return of another great
+    Arctic explorer, Mr. WASHBURTON PIKE, after having braved
+    dangers demanding the most dauntless courage. Here, then, are
+    two single gentlemen rolled into one: it is <i>Pike</i> and
+    <i>Pluck</i> combined.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/159.png"
+             alt="BEATUS POSSIDENS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>BEATUS POSSIDENS.</h3>
+
+        <p>"I'VE COME ABOUT A JOB. I HEARD THERE WAS A BOY
+        WANTED."</p>
+
+        <p>"OH, YOU 'EARD AS THERE WAS A BOY WANTED, DID YER? THEN
+        YOU'RE JUST TOO LATE, 'COS MASTER'S SOOTED!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION.</h2>
+
+    <p>1. The earliest specimen of the Birch. (<i>Suggested by a
+    Merry Swish Boy.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>2. Salt-cellar used for holding the Salt at Montem time.</p>
+
+    <p>3. Specimen of Haberdashery, from an Eton "Sock" shop.</p>
+
+    <p>4. Model of the most powerful "Long-glass" from "Tap."</p>
+
+    <p>5. Chips from the Earliest Block, with authentic history of
+    Etonian Original Transgression, or "First Fault."</p>
+
+    <p>6. Documents tracing the connection between "Pop" and the
+    Pawnbroking business.</p>
+
+    <p>7. Specimen of Lower Boy's Hat, with motto, "<i>Sub Tegmine
+    Fag-I!</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>8. Portraits of Eminent "Sitters" on Fourth of June and
+    Election Saturday in the early part of present century.</p>
+
+    <p>9. Scull of a "Wet-Bob" originally feathered.</p>
+
+    <p>10. A copy (perfect and signed) of another boy's verses.
+    (N.B. Not very scarce.)</p>
+
+    <p>11. Portraits of eminent Landlords who, acting on SHERIDAN's
+    advice, have "kept up the Xtopher."</p>
+
+    <p>12. Also, portrait, with life and times of the crabbed old
+    Thames Waterman, known on the river as "Surly HALL."</p>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Any future suggestions that maybe sent to us will be
+        entirely at the service of the Duke of FIFE and others,
+        interested in promoting this most interesting
+        exhibition.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A PUBLISHER AND HIS FRIENDS.&mdash;In order to worthily
+    celebrate the hearty reception, by the critics and the public
+    generally, of this most interesting and successful work, the
+    present representatives of the great publishing firm of MURRAY
+    will give a grand banquet, and, with SMILES, will sing in
+    chorus the once popular refrain, "We are a Murray family, we
+    are, we are, we are!" <i>Prosit!</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>TO THOSE IT MAY CONCERN.&mdash;In reply to several
+    Correspondents, <i>Mr. Punch</i> begs to suggest that ANTHONY
+    TROLLOPE would certainly have observed, "<i>I say Yes!</i>" had
+    he been told that WILKIE COLLINS had written "<i>I Say
+    No!</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160"
+       id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Story of the Parliamentary Bar.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>"You will not forget, Sir," said my excellent and admirable
+    clerk, "that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of
+    the House of Commons, in the matter of the Glogsweller Railway
+    Extension?"</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:18%;">
+        <a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/160.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I glanced somewhat severely at PORTINGTON, but was gratified
+    to find that his face was quite free from any suggestion of
+    levity. I was the more pleased with the result of my
+    investigation, as, truth to tell, the delivery of a brief in
+    the matter of the Extension of the Glogsweller Railway Company
+    had been somewhat of an event in my life. I had never before
+    had the honour of practising at the Parliamentary Bar. So for
+    months my mind had been entirely occupied with the date fixed
+    for my appearance in the Committee Room of the House of
+    Commons, known technically, I believe, at St. Stephens, as
+    "upstairs."</p>
+
+    <p>"You will be sure to meet me there, to-morrow, PORTINGTON?"
+    I observed.</p>
+
+    <p>"Certainly, Sir," replied my clerk. "But, as I have to be
+    down at the Mayor's Court with Mr. CHARLES O'MULLIGAN in the
+    morning, I daresay you won't mind if I come with your
+    sandwiches and sherry, Sir, at two, or thereabouts."</p>
+
+    <p>I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. O'MULLIGAN shares with
+    me the good offices of PORTINGTON, but generally contrives to
+    secure the lion's portion of his services. I had
+    arranged&mdash;understanding that no adjournment was made for
+    luncheon&mdash;that some refreshment should be conveyed to me
+    during the day's proceedings, so that my voice should lose none
+    of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced weakness)
+    when the time arrived for my advocacy of the cause of my
+    clients. Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral
+    interest in the day's proceedings. The great North-East
+    Diddlesex Railway were promoting a Bill to carry a new line
+    into the neighbourhood of the Glogsweller Extension, and my
+    duty was confined to cross-examining one of the expert
+    witnesses that I knew would be asked to support the G.N.E.D.R.
+    To be candid, we had a goods depôt near their suggested
+    terminus, and were fearful that their proposed proximity would
+    damage our mineral traffic. The matter was simple enough, but I
+    had taken months in carefully studying a small library of
+    charts, Encyclopædias, and Parliamentary Blue Books, in
+    mastering it.</p>
+
+    <p>On the morning following my conversation with PORTINGTON,
+    duly robed (I had put on my wig and gown in Chambers), I
+    travelled by hansom to Westminster, and presented myself at the
+    side entrance to St. Stephen's Hall. I had no difficulty in
+    finding the Committee Room devoted to the consideration of the
+    alleged necessities of the Great North-East Diddlesex Railway.
+    It was a large and pleasant apartment, with a distant view
+    through the windows of St. Thomas's Hospital. At a horse-shoe
+    table sat the Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who might
+    have filled equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved
+    in the Royal Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I
+    took my place amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were
+    perfect strangers to me. The table in front of us was littered
+    with plans, charts, and documents of all descriptions. A Q.C.
+    brought with him a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard,
+    and there were other refreshments mingled with the exhibits
+    before us. On chairs at the side were Solicitors; at our back,
+    separated from us by a bar, were the Public. On the walls were
+    hanging huge charts, giving in pantomimic proportions the
+    proposed progress of the projected line. In the corners of
+    these charts were explanations why such a part was coloured
+    green, or red, or blue. During the day's proceedings an
+    attendant was told off to trace the course of a counsel's
+    harangue by pointing out, with a lecturer's wand, the various
+    places referred to in his speech.</p>
+
+    <p>I was gratified to find that the expert whose evidence it
+    was my duty to test by cross-examination, was soon in the
+    witness-box. He was a gentleman of considerable bulk, which
+    gave one of my learned friends, who was the first to take him
+    in hand, the opportunity of saying, that he was a "witness of
+    great weight," a remark which caused much laughter&mdash;even
+    the Chairman of the Committee, a somewhat austere person,
+    indulging in a stealthy smile at the ingenious sally. Such
+    waggish flashes as this, I need scarcely say, were most
+    welcome, and afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief to the
+    necessary dryness that characterised, perforce, the
+    proceedings. As the hands of the clock progressed, waiters
+    carried into the Committee, various light refreshments, such as
+    brandy-and-sodawater, sandwiches, and buns. My colleagues, too,
+    when not actively engaged in the declamatory duties of their
+    profession, partook of the viands with which they had provided
+    themselves before the commencement of the day's labours. Thus
+    the cups devoted to custard soon were empty, and the paper
+    bags, once occupied by buns, crumpled up and discarded. I gazed
+    at the clock. It was past two, and I was getting terribly
+    hungry. I felt that my voice was becoming weak from famine.
+    This would never do, and might endanger my clients' interests.
+    I looked round eagerly for PORTINGTON. He was nowhere to be
+    seen. I whispered to a colleague, "would the
+    examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told it could
+    not possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I made
+    up my mind to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the
+    corridor before I had entered the room, and hurriedly left my
+    seat. I pushed my way through the public, and had scarcely got
+    outside when I found my faithful clerk laden with sandwiches
+    and sherry making post-haste towards me.</p>
+
+    <p>"Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust
+    the invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands;
+    "run, Sir, run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence!"</p>
+
+    <p>Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my
+    subordinate I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that
+    the examination-in-chief was nearly ended. I pulled myself
+    together. I drank a glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My
+    voice was in excellent tone, and I felt that the crisis of my
+    life had indeed been reached. I knew that it was now or never.
+    I had this great chance of distinguishing myself by pleasing my
+    clients and securing a practice at the Parliamentary Bar, which
+    might mean hundreds, nay, thousands a-year. I imagined my
+    children at Eton, my wife in a carriage and pair, my address in
+    Grosvenor Place. All I had to do to secure these
+    tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients by my
+    careful attention to their interests. The moment at length
+    arrived. I rose to cross-examine.</p>
+
+    <p>"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the
+    situation, and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which
+    was striking terror into the heart of the witness before me,
+    <i>I</i> am going to put a few questions to you!"</p>
+
+    <p>"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly&mdash;"you will
+    do nothing of the sort. You were not present during the
+    <i>whole</i> of the witness's examination-in-chief, and so we
+    decline to hear you!"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and
+    sherry had ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished
+    together (in the carriage and pair) for ever!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Pump-Handle Court</i>. (<i>Signed</i>) A. BRIEFLESS,
+    JUNIOR.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;</h2>
+
+    <h3>OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.</h3>
+
+    <h4>No. I.&mdash;AT THE ESTATE AGENT'S.</h4>
+
+    <p>Have you some nice houses to let furnished?&mdash;Here is
+    our Catalogue, Sir.&mdash;I perceive that most of these are
+    Queen Anne houses; "sanitation perfect;" where is the
+    satisfactory explanation of the fine advertisement?&mdash;It is
+    in Spain with the other castles (idiom).&mdash;What is "Queen
+    Anne"?&mdash;Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but Queen
+    Anne is (the) last.&mdash;Is then sanitation also
+    something?&mdash;It is the little game of the big builder; it
+    is all your (my, his, her,) eyes.&mdash;Can we have some nice
+    furniture?&mdash;You can have (the furniture of) Chippendale,
+    Sheraton, McAdam, or Louis-Quinze.&mdash;It is too
+    dear.&mdash;No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the
+    clever carpenter.&mdash;I was done by you or by your brother; I
+    require a room for my mother-in-law (neuter).&mdash;The good
+    mother-in-law sleeps in the chamber of boxes (box-room), but
+    the evil mother-in-law prefers the best bed-room.&mdash;How
+    many persons are you?&mdash;We are sixteen.&mdash;You are,
+    indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.&mdash;Is not
+    the noble drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?&mdash;On
+    the contrary, it is very lofty. There is room near the
+    chandelier.&mdash;Where is the "moderate-sized
+    garden"?&mdash;It is on the leads with the broken flower-pots,
+    the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine or
+    feminine).&mdash;Is it then much larger than a
+    postage-stamp?&mdash;Decidedly not, Sir. It is also nearly as
+    sticky. Much rain produces weeds.&mdash;Where are "the
+    bath-rooms"? I only perceived a watering-pot.&mdash;Any rooms
+    in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.&mdash;What is then the
+    price?&mdash;The exorbitant client of the first-class agent
+    demands four hundred guineas for the season.&mdash;It is too
+    much.&mdash;He would take less in some minutes; but my
+    commission will rest the same.&mdash;Here are "Commanding
+    mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and "Desirable
+    residences."&mdash;It is not difficult; the mansion that has a
+    back-staircase is commanding, the "Bijou" is for the
+    newly-married, or the actress, but the "Desirable residence" is
+    what you desire.&mdash;What is then the "square hall"?&mdash;It
+    is neither round nor oblong; therefore it is square. It is
+    likewise in a square.&mdash;Is it geometrically the same as the
+    Bridge of Asses?&mdash;I do not know. Sir.&mdash;Where is the
+    capital accommodation for the poor servants?&mdash;It resembles
+    the dark kennel of the sad dog.&mdash;What are dilapidations
+    and electric light?&mdash;The first, Sir, is what you break;
+    the second is what breaks <i>you</i>.&mdash;If I were to let my
+    own house, and then to myself take it,
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161"
+       id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> would it be on the same
+       terms?&mdash;No, the buyer is usually sold, but the seller
+       loves the first of April.&mdash;If another agent were to let
+       my house, would you, likewise, expect commission?&mdash;Why
+       not? I am the best friend of the little lawyer with the long
+       nose.&mdash;I was inquiring of you about flats.&mdash;It
+       were better that you should be <i>sharp</i>, Sir.&mdash;I
+       was not born yesterday (proverb.)&mdash;Right (adjective)
+       you are, Sir; we will write (verb) to you till you take or
+       let something, not alone I, but also some others; if you
+       refuse me something, I will be very discontented.&mdash;Have
+       you ever let well alone? (idiom).&mdash;We have let many
+       things alone (bare), but you must, notwithstanding, pay for
+       the fixtures.&mdash;I think I will be going.&mdash;Here are
+       pens, paper, and a form of an attorney.&mdash;No, I thank
+       you.&mdash;We shall not charge for this interview, but one
+       must live.&mdash;I do not see the necessity (<i>v</i>.
+       Anecdotes in Appendix).&mdash;The Necessity is the mother of
+       the inventory.&mdash;Who is the Caretaker?&mdash;She is the
+       great-grandmother of the superannuated laundress. She
+       becomes sleepy during the Winter. Shall we send her to your
+       house?&mdash;Not if I know it (expletive). Receive the
+       assurance (insurance) of my highest consideration. By the
+       bye (interjection), which is the topmost storey?&mdash;The
+       topmost story is the last thing you have heard me mention. I
+       salute you, Sir.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TAKEN UPON TRUST.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Fair-and-Unfairy Story, Founded upon a Magic
+    Act.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:17%;">
+        <a href="images/161-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Once upon a time there existed two fatherless and motherless
+    orphans, who were just old enough to work for their living.
+    Unfortunately they did not know how to dig, were too proud to
+    beg, and had conscientious scruples that prevented them from
+    stealing. Besides, one of the two was a girl; and there were
+    not many openings for her. And matters would have gone very
+    hard with them, indeed, had not a distant, but benevolent
+    relative, kindly died and left them as a legacy a sum of money,
+    of which they were to have the interest until they attained
+    their majority, when it was to be divided equally between them.
+    They were overjoyed, and rushed to the executor, who happened
+    to be a lawyer.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," said the man of costs, "I am indeed charged with the
+    execution of the trust, and for your own sakes I hope you will
+    not give me much trouble, as I shall, under the conditions of
+    the will, have to make you pay for it."</p>
+
+    <p>And after he had entered their visit (which he called an
+    attendance) in his diary, to be subsequently copied into a
+    ledger, he bowed them out.</p>
+
+    <p>So the two orphans disappeared a little crestfallen; and
+    they soon discovered that their legacy had the faculty of
+    diminishing. The lawyer immediately transferred the money,
+    which was invested in what he called "second-rate securities,"
+    into Consols, and this cost something, and considerably
+    diminished their income. When the two orphans remonstrated, the
+    lawyer said, that as he made scarcely more than out-of-pocket
+    expenses in the matter, he did not feel justified in incurring
+    the slightest risk.</p>
+
+    <p>"I am only a simple girl," murmured one of the orphans, with
+    a nervous blush; "but does not a recent statute give trustees
+    power to invest the funds of their <i>cestui que</i> trusts in
+    securities yielding a larger return than 2¾ Goschens?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Do not bandy words with me, Miss," replied the lawyer,
+    angrily; "I shall act as I please, and if you or I ask for the
+    estate to be administered, it will cost you a pretty
+    penny."</p>
+
+    <p>"Which no doubt will find its way into your pocket,"
+    returned the maiden, simply. "But surely a 4½ mortgage on real
+    property can be obtained without risk, if you do not act
+    contrary to the provisions of the Trustee Relief Act?"</p>
+
+    <p>But the lawyer was very angry, and threatened her that if
+    she made any further complaint he would appeal to the Chancery
+    Division of the High Court of Justice, which would mean,
+    probably, the absorption of the entire estate in a gigantic
+    bill of costs.</p>
+
+    <p>So, with a sigh, the maiden and her brother retired. That
+    night, as she was sitting over the fire, before retiring to
+    rest, she had a dream, when a nice-looking old gentleman
+    appeared before her, and asked her "why she was so sad?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Because we have a lawyer for our trustee, who is most
+    unobliging, and expensive. I am afraid, kind Sir, <i>you</i>
+    cannot help us."</p>
+
+    <p>"Do not say so until you have perused this scroll," he
+    replied, with a benevolent smile, and he gave her a paper.
+    "To-morrow, if your trustee again threatens you, and offers to
+    retire, take him at his word. If I replace him, I will do all
+    you wish&mdash;enter into mortgages, invest your capital to the
+    best possible advantage, and make myself generally
+    amiable."</p>
+
+    <p>"But how shall we pay you for so much kindness?" asked the
+    now overjoyed maiden.</p>
+
+    <p>"By a tariff fixed by the Government. It will be my duty to
+    do my best for you, and I shall have no personal interest in
+    running up costs like the common (or garden) kind of family
+    Solicitor."</p>
+
+    <p>So the next day, when the lawyer began to threaten to
+    resign, the orphans took him at his word, and all that the
+    nice-looking old gentleman had foretold came to pass. And when
+    the orphans were getting the best possible interest for their
+    money, at a trifling expense, the maiden looked at the scroll
+    which had been given to her, and found it was inscribed, "The
+    Public Trustee Act."</p>
+
+    <p>And, so far as the lawyer, who had been discarded, knew (or
+    cared), the maiden and her brother lived happily ever
+    afterwards.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p>More about DICKENS. By the loving hand of PERCY FITZGERALD
+    the Bookmaker,&mdash;not sporting, but literary. Of making
+    books, with PERCY FITZ there is no end. He is the king of the
+    Bookmakers, <i>Per se Fitz</i>. This time it is the <i>History
+    of the Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club</i>, published by
+    CHAPMAN AND HALL, and "inscribed"&mdash;why not
+    "dedicated?"&mdash;to HENRY FIELDING DICKENS, son of "The Only
+    One," the Master. <i>Interesting?</i> Of course it is, anything
+    about DICKENS, specially in connection with the immortal
+    <i>Pickwick</i>, must be interesting, and for chatty, gossiping
+    bookmaking we only say, "Give us Fitz." He is to the manor
+    born. He is neither romancer nor poet: "<i>poeta nascitur
+    non</i> 'Fitz.'" Occasionally FITZ is aggravatingly reticent.
+    For instance, at page 16 we read, "<i>Two or three years
+    ago</i>"&mdash;which? two or three?&mdash;"<i>a curious and
+    amusing coincidence brought the author's son, a barrister in
+    good practice</i>"&mdash;Which son? His name? There were more
+    sons than one: were they all barristers? And was this one the
+    only one in good practice?&mdash;"<i>into connection with his
+    father's famous book. It occurred at a trial on the
+    Circuit.</i>" Which Circuit? Which is "<i>the</i> Circuit"? The
+    Baron, who is now the Last of the Barons but one, only asks
+    because the phrase "on Circuit" would not have required his
+    query; but "on the Circuit" is another pair of shoes. "<i>A
+    trial</i>." What trial? When? At p. 17, "<i>The Judge entered
+    into the humour of the thing</i>"&mdash;what Judge? The Baron
+    is of opinion that in the well-known advertisement about the
+    Waverley Pen, quoted in a note at p. 25, the correct order
+    should be, "<i>The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley
+    Pen</i>"&mdash;not Pickwick last. Did CHARLES DICKENS ever
+    write to FORSTER that he was "<i>getting on like a house o'
+    fire"?</i> Surely this should be a "house a-fire," or "a house
+    on fire"; for a "house o' fire" means a "house of fire," which
+    is not what the expression is intended to convey. At p. 51, in
+    a note, FITZ says, "'<i>Phiz, Whizz,' or something of that
+    kind, was</i> T. HOOD's <i>joke</i>." Was it? If so, where does
+    the joke come in?</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:17%;">
+        <a href="images/161-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>My friend, the late GEORGE ROSE, better known as "ARTHUR
+    SKETCHLEY," used to say that DICKENS took <i>Sam Weller</i>
+    from (as I understood him) a character in one of O'KEEFE's
+    comedies. This statement was given on the authority of Mr.
+    BAYLE BERNARD. But I am bound to say I can find nothing like
+    <i>Sam</i> in O'KEEFE's; but I have found DICKENS there bodily.
+    It is in Sc. 1, Act I. of <i>Life's Vagaries; or, The Neglected
+    Son.</i> "'Oh!' exclaims FANNY, 'if my papa was to see
+    me&mdash;oh!' (<i>Seeing</i> DICKENS, <i>runs; he stops
+    her.</i>)" And, oddly enough, in this edition of 1798,
+    frequently as the above-mentioned character appears, it is "on
+    this occasion only" that the name is spelt with an "E."</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. FITZGERALD, at p. 136 of this book, says, that an actor
+    named SAM VALE, appearing as <i>Simon Splatterdash</i>, in a
+    piece called <i>The Boarding-House</i>, was in the habit of
+    "interlarding his conversation with metaphorical
+    illustrations"&mdash;and then follow the examples. <i>The
+    Boarding-House</i>, however, is not by O'KEEFE, but, as appears
+    from a note in <i>Sketches by Boz</i>, was being performed when
+    DICKENS's short tale of <i>The Boarding-House</i> appeared. For
+    my part, I long ago came to the conclusion that <i>Sam
+    Weller</i> was absolutely an original creation, as far, that
+    is, as anything outside the immaterial realms of fancy and
+    fairyland can be an original creation. Our FITZ gives
+    CALVERLEY's Examination Paper, and also an Oxford imitation of
+    it, which, however, is not by any means up to the
+    CALVERLEY-BLADES mark. There is also a preface to
+    <i>Pickwick</i>, specially interesting, as not being found in
+    later editions. Then our Fitz informs us how many dramatic
+    versions of <i>Pickwick</i> there have been, some with and some
+    without music, bringing the list down to the latest "Dramatic
+    Cantata" (it oughtn't to have been so described, as there was
+    dialogue in it), the music of which will always hold a first
+    place among the compositions of the Musical Baron's friend
+    claiming to be the gifted descendant of the Wise and Musical
+    King SOLOMON.</p>
+
+    <p>Altogether a vote of thanks should be presented to Mr. PERCY
+    FITZGERALD for his entertaining, instructive, and most readable
+    book on the immortal <i>Pickwick</i>, says</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162"
+       id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/162.png"
+             alt="TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Husband</i> (<i>off to Paris</i>). "DON'T CRY,
+        DARLING. IT'S <i>TOO</i> SAD TO LEAVE YOU, I <i>KNOW</i>!
+        BUT YOU CAN TALK TO ME THERE JUST AS IF WE WERE
+        TOGETHER&mdash;ONLY BE CAREFUL, AS IT'S EXPENSIVE!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Wife</i>. "IS IT, DARLING? HA-HA-HADN'T YOU BETTER
+        LEAVE ME A FEW BLANK CHEQUES?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TALKING BY TIME.</h2>
+
+    <p>The growing pressure of the business having already obliged
+    the Belgium Postal Authorities to cut down the time allowed for
+    a telephonic communication between Paris and Brussels, from
+    five minutes to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of
+    public patronage that may be expected when the wire is opened
+    between London and the French Capital, will soon necessitate
+    the substitution, in place of the promised ten minutes, of an
+    allowance to each speaker of a minute, or at most a minute and
+    a half for his interview, which it may confidently be expected
+    will not unfrequently take the following shape:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Inexorable Official</i>. Now, Sir; your turn next.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Shuts intending</i> London Talker <i>in, and
+        switches him "on."</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. Dear me! How quick they are, one
+    hardly knows what one is about. I wonder how loud, now, one
+    ought to speak. Better shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first.
+    (<i>At the top of his voice through the tube.</i>) Hullo! Hi! I
+    say. Are you there?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i> (<i>replying</i>). Oh! don't bawl like
+    that. Of course I'm here, I've been waiting quite half a
+    minute; thought you were never going to begin. But I suppose it
+    is JONES I am speaking to?</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh yes, I'm JONES. It's all right. But
+    can't you recognise my voice?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Not when you bawl fit to break the
+    drum of one's ear. But come, now, get on quick with what you
+    want to say.</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. All right&mdash;I'll get on. But now
+    tell me, do I pitch my voice about right now? Can you catch
+    distinctly all I say?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Oh yes! Bother! But do get on.
+    Timesgoifast.</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. What? I didn't catch that last word.
+    Time's what?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i> (<i>very distinctly, with
+    emphasis</i>). I
+    said&mdash;that&mdash;time&mdash;was&mdash;going fast. Can you
+    hear that?</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh yes, I can hear that, and most
+    distinctly. Really, it is a most wonderful invention.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Oh, bother the invention! Do come to
+    business! What did you want me for?</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh. of course. Well, it was just this.
+    I thought&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Inexorable Official</i>. Time's up, Sir. Trouble you to
+    make room for this Lady.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Switches him "off," and turns him out.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"</h2>
+
+    <p>Mr. JOHN BULL <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Love me, love my Dog!" Well, <i>I</i> don't want to
+            flog</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The fine but excitable fellow.</p>
+
+            <p>With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To bounce round a bit, and to bellow.</p>
+
+            <p>I'd do my square best with the greatest good
+            will,</p>
+
+            <p>If only he'd&mdash;just for a moment&mdash;stand
+            still.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On one's caudal appendage? Ah, just
+            so!</p>
+
+            <p>I know 'tis a task that seems <i>too</i> much to
+            ask.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'm reasonable,&mdash;or I trust so.</p>
+
+            <p>But there <i>is</i> the Lobster, it's holding on
+            fast.</p>
+
+            <p>And&mdash;hang it! this state of affairs cannot
+            last!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How came it about? That's a matter of doubt,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which there isn't much use in
+            discussing,</p>
+
+            <p>To part them's my aim; I would manage that same</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Without either fighting or fussing.</p>
+
+            <p>Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it
+            nice</p>
+
+            <p>To live very long with its tail in a vice!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Dog to my call won't attend. I</p>
+
+            <p>Conceive, if he would, it might be for his good,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'd hit on some <i>modus vivendi</i>.</p>
+
+            <p>But if Dog <i>won't</i> stand still, and if Lobster
+            <i>won't</i> loose,</p>
+
+            <p>My heartiest help cannot be of much use.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>One ANDROCLES bold eased a lion of old</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of a thorn in his foot&mdash;a great
+            worry!</p>
+
+            <p>But ANDROCLES, sure, would have failed of a cure</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If poor Leo had kept on the scurry,</p>
+
+            <p>As you, my dear Dog, do at present. <i>Verb.
+            sap.!</i></p>
+
+            <p>Do just let me <i>get at</i> the Lobster, old
+            chap!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle and
+            wail,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And romp all around, the best master,</p>
+
+            <p>And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't
+            part.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Don't</i> think I deride your
+            disaster!</p>
+
+            <p>The pinch of it might make an elephant prance;</p>
+
+            <p>No, all that I ask is&mdash;<i>just give me a
+            chance!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163"
+       id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/163.png"
+             alt="'THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"</h3>JOHN BULL. "IF I COULD
+        ONLY GET HIM TO STAND STILL, I COULD SOON SETTLE THE
+        LOBSTER!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page165"
+       id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span>
+
+    <h2>A TEN MINUTES' IDYL.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Life is a farce, a dreary round,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A fraud&mdash;of that there's not a
+            doubt,</p>
+
+            <p>Although I've only lately found</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">It out.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Bad boldly masquerades as good,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fruit turns to ashes in the taking,</p>
+
+            <p>Unpleasant very is the rude</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Awaking.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis Spring, when something, so one learns,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Seems to affect the burnished dove,</p>
+
+            <p>And when a young man's fancy turns</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">To love.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With window open to the breeze,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The tramp of passers-by unheeding,</p>
+
+            <p>I sit reclining at mine ease,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">A-reading.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I've read enough&mdash;and not amiss</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I rather fancy now would be</p>
+
+            <p>A little rest&mdash;ah! what is this</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">I see?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A sight that's almost past belief,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And makes me think I must be raving,</p>
+
+            <p>For there a girl a handkerchief</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Is waving!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Like to a light that in the black</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And inky night shines o'er the main,</p>
+
+            <p>It disappears, and then comes back</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Again.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I know the house quite well&mdash;I've heard</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her father's something in the City,</p>
+
+            <p>And she's a blue-eyed girl absurd-</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">-ly pretty.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>By Jove! she does it with a whirr,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's clear this inexpressive she</p>
+
+            <p>Is given to the <i>fortiter</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>In re</i>.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Of course it's forward&mdash;and indeed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's worse&mdash;it's shockingly
+            imprudent</p>
+
+            <p>Thus to encourage me, a need-</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">-y student.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Her form is shadowy&mdash;I must</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Get out my glasses, so to bring</p>
+
+            <p>Her nearer. Yes&mdash;the range is just</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">The thing!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <hr class="short" />
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Life is a farce, without a doubt!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The cause of all this fuss and
+            fluster</p>
+
+            <p>Is just a housemaid shaking out</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Her duster!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>IN THEIR EASTER EGGS.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Lord Salisbury</i>.&mdash;Allegorical Cartoon
+    representing BRITANNIA astonished at the success of her recent
+    Foreign Policy.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Gladstone</i>.&mdash;Pocket Edition of Cyclopædia of
+    Universal Information, copiously illustrated, for the use of
+    veteran Statesmen.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Emperor of Germany</i>.&mdash;Prize Homily on the Art
+    of Governing, with special reference to the science as applied
+    to the subordination of "temper."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Parnell</i>.&mdash;Sculptured Group representing the
+    Reptile of Egotism turning the tables on St. Patrick, and
+    endeavouring to drive him out of Ireland.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President of the United States</i>.&mdash;An Italian
+    Iron&mdash;over-heated.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ex-King Milan of Servia</i>.&mdash;A Monthly Cheque for
+    amusement and travelling expenses, but not including a return
+    ticket to Belgrade.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Post-Master-General</i>.&mdash;One hundred Receipts
+    for getting into hot water.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris</i>.&mdash;Draft Proposal for
+    buying up and working the British Government with duly audited
+    Schedule, showing how the "takings" could be more than doubled
+    by spirited management.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Jackson of Clitheroe</i>.&mdash;Prize Farce entitled,
+    "Lynch Law and Conjugal Rights."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN&mdash;</h2>
+
+    <h2>TO DINNER.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Dinner-Belle.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>No. III.&mdash;THE GREAT UNKNOWN.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/165.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>He</i> was a dapper, dumpy thing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With nought decisive on him graven</p>
+
+            <p>But smiles, like footlights flickering</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">O'er visage shaven.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And <i>it</i>, that kind of social myth</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where every guest (and each a rum
+            one)</p>
+
+            <p>Is Somebody, because the kith</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Or kin of Someone.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Great Siberian Victim's Aunt,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Godfather of Colonel CODY,</p>
+
+            <p>And some affinity I can't</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Recall to DAUDET.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In fine, a Tussaud's once removed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Not waxworks, but their far
+            connections;</p>
+
+            <p>The names, the attitudes, approved,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">But mere reflections.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our hostess, wont to pedigree</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her portents, slurred his surname
+            sweetly;</p>
+
+            <p>So up my smiler tripped&mdash;to me</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Unknown completely.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thus mystified, I needs must bruit</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The weather&mdash;"It was rainy,
+            rather."</p>
+
+            <p>"Yes," he rejoined, "It does not suit</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">My Poet-father:</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Strange how the damp affects great men;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist,</p>
+
+            <p>You know paints always smartest when</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">It rains the smartest."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"In <i>water</i>-colours?" feebly next</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I faltered, falling quite to pieces:</p>
+
+            <p>"No, no," he murmured mildly vexed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">"<i>You</i> mean my nieces.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Those delicate young paintresses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Idyls in Cobalt and Bistre,</p>
+
+            <p>Though for Impressionist success,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Give me my sister.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"My nephew, he's inspired of course,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Divine, quite <i>autre chose: en bref</i>
+            you&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Forgive an uncle's pride&mdash;perforce</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Adore my nephew."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Reeling with Relatives, I quite</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My compass lost: to shift our
+            bearing,</p>
+
+            <p>"Who is the Lady on your right?"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Quoth I, despairing.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"That Beauty, like the portraits I've</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For sale beheld of Miss BELLE
+            BILTON."&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"She? She's the representative,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">The last, of MILTON!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This was too much: what <i>could</i> I try</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To burst from such a tangled tether?</p>
+
+            <p>The shops for neutral ground, thought I,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Eclipse the weather.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The shops! The very thing. I dared</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The shops. "How wonderful was
+            WHITELEY!"</p>
+
+            <p>Dazed at the Wizard's name he stared,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">And shuddered slightly.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A silence froze his ready twang:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No more he smiled&mdash;from that fell
+            minute,</p>
+
+            <p>HENRY THE FIRST&mdash;to speak in slang&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Was scarcely in it.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That smilelessness! What meant the curse?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who could the skein unravel? I did.</p>
+
+            <p>This was the Diner "Univers-</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">-ally provided."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Renowned, if nameless&mdash;hired to be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Salvation of a banquet's ruin,</p>
+
+            <p>"Monsieur Le Quatorzième" took me,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">And may take you in.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE MERRY GREEN WOOD.</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>An "Epping Forest" Chorus.</i></h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>"For ever and again the Corporation of London send down
+        their <i>protégés</i>, the young City sportsmen who may, or
+        may not, know how to load a gun, but who are very keen on
+        'Sport.' Then the herds are driven by beaters towards the
+        gallant huntsmen, the forest re-echoes with the report of
+        guns, and next day you can trace the whereabouts of the
+        wounded bucks and deer by tracks of blood among the bushes,
+        and by impressions on the grass where the maimed creature
+        has fallen in its flight for life."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall
+        Gazette</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Chorus of Huntsmen.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, we like,&mdash;we love the Merry Green Wood,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As should Huntsmen bold of the proper
+            sort!</p>
+
+            <p>And we would hit the stag <i>if we possibly
+            could</i>,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As is meet with such palpable sons of
+            Sport.</p>
+
+            <p>Away to the forest we cheerily run,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And wait for the beaters' welcome
+            cry;</p>
+
+            <p>And though we are new to the use of a gun,</p>
+
+            <p>What matters? At anything we'll let fly!</p>
+
+            <p>So Sing hey, sing ho, for the startled deer;</p>
+
+            <p>We warrant we'll hit him, if <i>he</i> comes
+            near</p>
+
+            <p>And we'll send him lame and limping away,</p>
+
+            <p>With a shot he'll remember for many a day!</p>
+
+            <p>For marry come up! But it would be absurd</p>
+
+            <p>To expect a bold Sportsman to bag the whole
+            herd!</p>
+
+            <p>So he blazes away; and he hits one or two;</p>
+
+            <p>And they hobble away in some thicket to lie,</p>
+
+            <p>And, after a day or two's suffering, die;</p>
+
+            <p>We don't see precisely what more we could do,</p>
+
+            <p>Than shout that "we love the Merry Green Wood!"</p>
+
+            <p>And would settle the stag,&mdash;<i>if we possibly
+            could!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The following advertisement appears in the
+    <i>Standard</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><big><big>A</big></big> Lady wishes to have twice from
+        the country a SUPPLY of LIVE SPARROWS, for a favourite
+        cat.&mdash;Address, &amp;c.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty look about this
+    "Lady's" desire to supply her favourite cat with some downright
+    real Sport. For it is to be presumed that she intends her
+    well-cared for pet literally to do the unhappy sparrows to
+    death in the most approved fashion. How will she manage it?
+    Clip their wings, and set them on the drawing-room floor; or
+    tie strings to their legs, and let the favourite cat "go for
+    them?" Cats must be fed. But it is not necessary to provide
+    them with a "Supply of Live Sparrows" twice, or even once. We
+    submit the subject to the notice of the S.P.C.A.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ONE POUND NOTES.&mdash;Probable rate that a fashionable
+    <i>prima donna</i> will charge for a song in the near
+    future.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page166"
+       id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/166.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166.png"
+             alt="APRIL FOOLS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>APRIL FOOLS.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page167"
+       id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span>
+
+    <h2>OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY!</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman
+    loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yesh, HARRY LAWSHUN mosh entirely righ'!</p>
+
+            <p>WILFRIDSH mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh'</p>
+
+            <p>Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw snakesh.</p>
+
+            <p>Frigh'ful to watch 'em wrigglung, when one
+            wakesh</p>
+
+            <p>Over the quilterpane&mdash;I mean counterquilt.</p>
+
+            <p>Liqnorsh are lovely, when you're that waysh
+            built;</p>
+
+            <p>But snakesh ish pizen! So ish liquorsh,
+            too&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Leastwaysh, so WILFRIDSH LAWSHON and hish crew</p>
+
+            <p>Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash'ral Museum,</p>
+
+            <p>Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee
+            'em!</p>
+
+            <p>All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twirls, and
+            twiddles;</p>
+
+            <p>Tails like long corkscrewsh, gogglesh in their
+            middles;</p>
+
+            <p>Big headsh, and bony bodysh&mdash;frigh'fully
+            frisky!</p>
+
+            <p>Fancy sush things living in Irish Whishky,</p>
+
+            <p>Like animalcu&mdash;what's it?
+            in&mdash;<i>hic</i>&mdash;water!</p>
+
+            <p>No matter! I've sworn offsh! POLLY, my daughter,</p>
+
+            <p>Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now!</p>
+
+            <p>To Heaven's broad blue vault I lift my brow,</p>
+
+            <p>A shober Br&mdash;Bri'sh Workman! So old DUMPER,</p>
+
+            <p>The lecturer, putsh it. He'sh a rare
+            tub-thumper!</p>
+
+            <p>Itsh Easter Shunday, and I am not tigh'!</p>
+
+            <p>Bri'sh Workman&mdash;Nash'ral Museum! Thatsh
+            or'righ'.</p>
+
+            <p>Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed ginger-beer</p>
+
+            <p>Gassysh&mdash;go i' my head an' makesh me queer!</p>
+
+            <p>One nipsh!&mdash;no, no! won't do! Wherream I?
+            Lor!</p>
+
+            <p>Strai' on, the plishman says, through tha' there
+            door.</p>
+
+            <p>Doorsh blesshed wide, and these 'ere big
+            shop-cases</p>
+
+            <p>With bitsh o' stone and beedlesh!&mdash;Yah! Thosh
+            faces!</p>
+
+            <p>Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and
+            bony!</p>
+
+            <p>Thosh wrigglewigglements! I'll bet a pony</p>
+
+            <p><i>Thish</i> ish no Nash'ral
+            Museum&mdash;Nash&mdash;<i>hic</i>&mdash;ral
+            Hishtory!</p>
+
+            <p>Look at 'em! <i>Look</i> at 'em!! Oh, hersh a
+            mystery!</p>
+
+            <p>POLLYSH,&mdash;where are yer? Where'sh that blesshed
+            bottle?</p>
+
+            <p>I'vesh got a peck o' March dust down my
+            throttle.</p>
+
+            <p>Give ush that gin&mdash;ger beersh, o' course, I
+            mean.</p>
+
+            <p>Look, POLLY!&mdash;shee that creature long and
+            lean,</p>
+
+            <p>Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it</p>
+
+            <p>With thish 'ere Bri's'h Museum! Wai' a minute!</p>
+
+            <p>Where am I? Whersh tha' girl? Can't read this
+            lingo!</p>
+
+            <p>"Mega&mdash;" It moves! <i>Got 'em again, by
+            Jingo!!!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/167.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/167.png"
+             alt="AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON." /></a>
+
+        <h3>AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON.</h3>(<i>At the Natural History
+        Museum.</i>)<br />
+         <i>Visitor</i>. "HULLO! I SAY, I'VE GOT 'EM AGIN! GI' ME
+        THE BLUE RIBBON!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>March 10</i>.&mdash;It has come at last, and I'm free to
+    confess I don't care for it half as much as I thought I should.
+    I got the letter five days ago. Here it is:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p class="author">45, <i>Main Street, Billsbury, March</i> 4,
+    18&mdash;.</p>
+
+    <p>Sir,&mdash;I have been in communication with headquarters,
+    and I am informed that you are looking out for a Constituency
+    at the next General Election. We have been for some time past
+    endeavouring to find a Candidate for this Borough, and should
+    be glad to hear if we may submit your name to the consideration
+    of our local Council. The political history of Billsbury must
+    be known to you. Up to the date of the last election we have
+    always been represented by a Conservative. In fact, Billsbury
+    was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress of sound
+    Constitutional opinion.</p>
+
+    <p>Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the
+    Constituency the time and attention it required. Moreover, I
+    may mention in strict confidence, that his conduct over the
+    Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme alienated a considerable number
+    of his supporters, and the consequence was that at the last
+    election Sir THOMAS CHUBSON, the Liberal Candidate and present
+    Member for Billsbury, was elected by a majority of 279. Since
+    then, however, the Party has rallied, the divisions in our
+    ranks have been healed, the registrations have been very much
+    in our favour, and there is no reason to doubt that, as soon as
+    Billsbury has the chance, she will return to her ancient
+    allegiance. I shall be in London the day after to-morrow
+    (Thursday, March 6), and shall do myself the honour of calling
+    upon you. Kindly let me know where and when I can see you. I
+    shall be glad to afford you any further information.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>To</i> RICHARD B. PATTLE, Esq.,
+    <i>President Billsbury Conservative Association. Dr. Johnson
+    Buildings, Temple, E.C.</i></p>
+
+    <p>I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged
+    me to accept, and told me that even if I failed, which they
+    said was extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an
+    irresistible claim on the Party." Afterwards saw VULLIAMY, the
+    Member for one of the Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of
+    course you must. Ridiculous to hesitate. A youngster like you,
+    who only left College four years ago, ought to be proud of the
+    chance. If you're beaten you'll have a claim on the Party, and
+    mind you don't let 'em forget it. Curse them, they never think
+    of a man's valuable services if he doesn't keep on reminding
+    them himself;" and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an
+    hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how "the shabby
+    beggars" had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It
+    seems the other side manage their business much better. Next I
+    called on Uncle HENRY in the City. He said he'd stick to his
+    promise of paying half my expenses, but wouldn't help me to
+    nurse the place. However, I daresay that won't cost much.
+    Eventually wrote to Old TOLLAND, and asked him to call at my
+    Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home and told my
+    mother. She said, "My darling boy, I knew you would be
+    distinguished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had
+    only lived, he would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind
+    you have that horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery."
+    And with that she kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the
+    news. I sloped.</p>
+
+    <p>On Thursday Old TOLLAND called. It seems he's an Alderman,
+    and I only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted to know,
+    What were my views on the Labour Question? Was I an Eight
+    Hours' man? How about Vaccination and Woman's Suffrage? and all
+    kinds of other rubbish. I had to beat about a good deal, and
+    answer generally, but at last I consented to address the
+    Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the day. If accepted, I
+    shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go through it all
+    again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose it's the
+    usual way.</p>
+
+    <center>
+        (<i>To be continued.</i>)
+    </center>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Rights of Counsel.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Client</i>.)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, what are the "rights" of the Q.C.?</p>
+
+            <p>The point of the question but few see.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Those rights are to do</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">What suits <i>him</i>, if not
+            <i>you</i>!</p>
+
+            <p>Faith! that's the whole business <i>in nuce</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>JOKIN'S LATEST.&mdash;"The Surplus will be anything but a
+    <i>dry</i> subject this year, as it is owing to a steady or
+    (probably) unsteady consumption of Drink!"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page168"
+       id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:24%;">
+        <a href="images/168-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168-1.png"
+             alt="'Wonderful!'" /></a>"Wonderful!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 23</i>.&mdash;Easter
+    Holidays begin to-morrow; to-night last rally round RAIKES;
+    Postmaster harried from both sides of House; the Contumacious
+    COBB begins it; comments on Coroner's conduct beginning to pall
+    on accustomed appetite; references to delicate investigation in
+    judicial circles falling flat; so turns upon
+    POSTMASTER-GENERAL. Wants to know about the Boy Messengers?
+    Pack in full cry; RAIKES pelted with newspapers, assailed with
+    over-weighted letters; late at night CAMERON comes up quite
+    fresh, desiring to "call attention to the position taken up by
+    the POSTMASTER-GENERAL with regard to the Electric Call and Boy
+    Messenger System," just as if he had at the moment made the
+    discovery.</p>
+
+    <p>In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol;
+    explains it's the thing you work the electric call with. You
+    press a button here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda;
+    another button, and you have a sausage and a hot potato; a
+    third, and your boots are suddenly pulled off by an unseen
+    agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated in a hansom cab,
+    with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay your fare
+    withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the
+    morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with
+    the machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who
+    ought to have been called at this hour.</p>
+
+    <p>GANE, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat entranced,
+    listening to this interesting narrative, and watching the
+    illustrations rapidly produced by CAMERON, as he touched the
+    various buttons.</p>
+
+    <p>"Wonderful!" cried GANE, Q.C. "Never knew anything like it
+    since I read <i>Arabian Nights</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON.</p>
+
+    <p>Must think this over during the Recess.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/168-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168-2.png"
+             alt="The Pillary Post." /></a>The Pillary Post.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House,
+    falling into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy
+    tale.</p>
+
+    <p>"It's only postponed, TOBY," he said, wearily, CAMERON
+    (having accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly
+    carried off to bed in the middle of a sentence; "they'll be at
+    me again to-morrow, and will begin once more, like giants
+    refreshed, when they come back from the holidays. It's an old
+    story; the House of Commons must always have its whipping-boy.
+    Don't know whether you've sat long enough for Barks to remember
+    AYRTON? A dead set was made against him, and he was not only
+    driven out of office, but forth from public life. It's
+    generally the HOME SECRETARY who is fastened on. There was
+    WALPOLE, chronically reduced to tears. BRUCE was chivied by the
+    cabmen, and had his hat blocked by the publicans. The blameless
+    HARCOURT didn't go scot free whilst he was at the Home Office.
+    MATTHEWS has had a long run, with the hounds after him. Now
+    they've turned aside from him, and are yelping after me. It's
+    very well for MATTHEWS, but a little worrying for me. Of course
+    I don't claim to be perfect. As HARCOURT once admitted of
+    himself, I'm almost human, I try to do my duty, and protect the
+    interests of Department committed to my charge. They come in
+    touch with all classes, and naturally there is friction. Just
+    now the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised. Perhaps
+    it'll fall away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather
+    wearing, so pitilessly monotonous. As you said the other day, a
+    new constitutional maxim has been established. Once OLD
+    MORALITY used to write in his copybook, 'The QUEEN can Do no
+    Wrong.' Now he may add this other, 'The POSTMASTER-GENERAL Does
+    Nothing Right.'" <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Miscellaneous.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:26%;">
+        <a href="images/168-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168-3.png"
+             alt="'Stole Away!'" /></a>"Stole Away!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday Afternoon</i>.&mdash;Winding up business before
+    holiday; rather a scramble at the end. OLD MORALITY, as usual,
+    piled up heap of work to be got through. "Quite easy, you
+    know," he said. "Tithes Bill, Electoral Disabilities Removal
+    Bill, Savings Bank Bill, take them in your stride. What does
+    the poet say? Line upon Line; Little by Little; Here to-day and
+    gone To-morrow. Those are the sound economical principles that
+    should guide a man through life."</p>
+
+    <p>At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here
+    to-day, we wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last
+    stage took a lot of fighting over. House wouldn't have
+    Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at
+    any price.</p>
+
+    <p>"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in
+    despair.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled
+    out manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the
+    under-pay of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST
+    folded his tent like the Arab, and as silently stole away.
+    Example followed generally by Members in all parts of the
+    House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying himself, composedly went on to
+    end of speech, and then adjournment. SPEAKER "kept in" till
+    Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal Commission. Rest
+    off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Wound up for Easter
+    Holidays.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CRITICISING THE CALENDAR.</h2>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;The suggestion of your Correspondent "EASTER
+    EGG," who wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming
+    on April 20, is excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the
+    other tide, depends on the moon. What a humiliating confession!
+    Why should we any longer consent to be the slaves of the
+    (so-called) Science of Astronomy?</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, REFORMING SPIRIT.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;What's all this fuss about Easter being too early
+    this year? It isn't half early enough. It ought to have come
+    last Christmas, and Whitsuntide the same, and then we should
+    have polished off three public holiday seasons&mdash;public
+    nuisances, <i>I</i> call them,&mdash;at once.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, gloomily, TRUE PHILANTHROPIST.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;I have just been horrified to hear that one of my
+    boys now at home from school remains with us for a three weeks'
+    vacation! The early date of Easter is the paltry excuse offered
+    by his Headmaster for this infliction. Anybody can see through
+    such a flimsy pretext. His brother is to have <i>his</i>
+    holiday four weeks later. The result is that the boys will see
+    nothing of each other during their holidays, while their
+    parents will see a great deal too much. How can brotherly
+    affection&mdash;I say nothing of fatherly affection,&mdash;that
+    priceless blessing, which I flatter myself I always
+    conspicuously display&mdash;be expected to continue under these
+    depressing conditions?</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, exasperatedly, FOND PARENT.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;As peeple are riting lettres to you about the
+    Easter holy-days, I should like you to put in what old
+    BOREHAM&mdash;he's our Principul&mdash;has been doing. We all
+    think it a thundring shame. He kept us grinding away right
+    through Good Friday, Easter Monday, and means us to go on
+    several weeks afterwards! The result was we had about half a
+    Hot Cross-Bun each! Old BOREHAM akshally fixed Easter Monday
+    for going over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese would you
+    say something in your valyble collums about old BOREHAM, and
+    oblige</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, obedjiently, SMITH (<i>Tertius</i>),
+    <i>Rodchester</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13297 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
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+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #13297 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13297)
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+April 4, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 4, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 26, 2004 [EBook #13297]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+April 4, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.
+
+(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._)
+
+NO. II.-NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVÖIT).
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture. Gimcracks
+    in an étagère; a festoon of chenille monkeys hanging from
+    the gaselier. Japanese fans, skeletons, cotton-wool spiders,
+    frogs, and lizards, scattered everywhere about. Drain-pipes
+    with tall dyed grasses. A porcelain stove decorated with
+    transferable pictures. Showily-bound books in book-case.
+    Window. The Visitors' bell rings in the hall outside. The
+    hall-door is heard to open, and then to shut. Presently
+    NORA walks in with parcels; a Porter carries a large
+    Christmas-tree after her--which he puts down. NORA gives
+    him a shilling--and he goes out grumbling. NORA hums
+    contentedly, and eats macaroons. Then HELMER puts his
+    head out of his Manager's room, and NORA hides macaroons
+    cautiously._
+
+_Helmer_ (_playfully_). Is that my little squirrel twittering--that my
+lark frisking in here?
+
+_Nora_. Ess! (_To herself._) I have only been married eight years, so
+these marital amenities have not yet had time to pall!
+
+[Illustration: "Boo!"]
+
+_Helmer_ (_threatening with his finger_). I hope the little bird has
+surely not been digging its beak into any macaroons, eh?
+
+_Nora_ (_bolting one, and wiping her mouth_). No, most certainly not.
+(_To herself_.) The worst of being so babyish is--one _does_ have to
+tell such a lot of taradiddles! (_To H._) See what _I_'ve bought--it's
+been _such_ fun!
+
+    [_Hums._
+
+_Helmer_ (_inspecting parcels_). H'm--rather an _expensive_ little
+lark!
+
+    [_Takes her playfully by the ear._
+
+_Nora_. Little birds like to have a flutter occasionally. Which
+reminds me--(_Plays with his coat-buttons._) I'm such a simple ickle
+sing--but if you _are_ thinking of giving me a Christmas present, make
+it cash.
+
+_Helmer_. Just like your poor father, _he_ always asked me to make it
+cash--he never made any himself! It's heredity, I suppose. Well--well!
+
+    [_Goes back to his Bank. NORA goes on humming._
+
+    _Enter Mrs. LINDEN, doubtfully._
+
+_Nora_. What, CHRISTINA--why, how old you look! But then you are
+poor. I'm not. TORVALD has just been made a Bank Manager. (_Tidies the
+room._) Isn't it really wonderfully delicious to be well off? But,
+of course, you wouldn't know. _We_ were poor once, and, do you know,
+when TORVALD was ill, I--(_tossing her head_)--though I _am_ such a
+frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I actually borrowed £300 for
+him to go abroad. Wasn't _that_ clever? Tra-la-la! I shan't tell you
+_who_ lent it. I didn't even tell TORVALD. I am such a mere baby I
+don't tell him everything. I tell Dr. RANK, though. Oh, I'm so awfully
+happy I should like to shout, "Dash it all!"
+
+_Mrs. Linden_ (_stroking her hair_). Do--it is a natural and innocent
+outburst--you are such a child! But I am a widow, and want employment.
+_Do_ you think your husband could find me a place as clerk in his
+Bank? (_Proudly._) I am an excellent knitter!
+
+_Nora_. That would really be awfully funny. (_To HELMER, who
+enters._) TORVALD, this is CHRISTINA; she wants to be a clerk in your
+Bank--_do_ let her! She thinks such a lot of _you_. (_To herself._)
+Another taradiddle!
+
+_Helmer_. She is a sensible woman, and deserves encouragement. Come
+along, Mrs. LINDEN, and we'll see what we can do for you.
+
+[_He goes out through the hall with Mrs. L., and the front-door is
+heard to slam after them._
+
+_Nora_ (_opens door, and calls_). Now, EMMY, IVAR, and BOB, come
+in and have a romp with Mamma--we will play hide-and-seek. (_She
+gets under the table, smiling in quiet satisfaction; KROGSTAD
+enters--NORA pounces out upon him_). Boo!... Oh, I _beg_ your
+pardon. I don't do this kind of thing _generally_--though I may be a
+little silly!
+
+_Krogstad_ (_politely_). Don't mention it. I called because I happened
+to see your husband go out with MRS. LINDEN--from which, being a
+person of considerable penetration, I infer that he is about to give
+her my post at the Bank. Now, as you owe me the balance of £300,
+for which I hold your acknowledgment, you will see the propriety of
+putting a stop to this little game at once.
+
+_Nora_. But I don't at all--not a little wee bit! I'm so childish, you
+know--why _should_ I? [_Sitting upright on carpet._
+
+_Krogs._ I will try to make it plain to the meanest capacity. When
+you came to me for the loan, I naturally required some additional
+security. Your father, being a shady Government official, without a
+penny--for, if he had possessed one, he would, presumably, have left
+it to you--without a penny, then, I, as a cautious man of business,
+insisted upon having his signature as a surety. Oh, we Norwegians are
+sharp fellows!
+
+_Nora_. Well, you _got_ Papa's signature, didn't you?
+
+_Krogs._ Oh, I _got_ it right enough. Unfortunately, it was dated
+three days after his decease--now, how do you account for _that_?
+
+_Nora_. How? Why, as poor Papa was dead, and couldn't sign, I signed
+_for_ him, that's all! Only somehow I forgot to put the date back.
+_That's_ how. Didn't I _tell_ you I was a silly, unbusinesslike little
+thing? It's very simple.
+
+_Krogs._ Very--but what you did amounts to forgery, notwithstanding.
+I happen to know, because I'm a lawyer, and have done a little in the
+forging way myself. So, to come to the point--if _I_ get kicked out, I
+shall not go alone! [_He bows, and goes out._
+
+_Nora_. It _can't_ be wrong! Why no one but KROGSTAD would have been
+taken in by it! If the Law says it's wrong, the Law's a goose--a
+bigger goose than poor little me even! (_To HELMER, who enters_.)
+Oh, TORVALD, how you made me jump!
+
+_Helmer_. Has anybody called? (_NORA shakes her head_.) Oh, my little
+squirrel mustn't tell naughty whoppers! Why, I just met that fellow
+KROGSTAD in the hall. He's been asking you to get me to take him
+back--now, hasn't he?
+
+_Nora_ (_walking about_). Do just see how pretty the Christmas-tree
+looks!
+
+_Helmer_. Never mind the tree--I want to have this out about KROGSTAD.
+I can't take him back, because many years ago he forged a name. As a
+lawyer, a close observer of human nature, and a Bank Manager, I have
+remarked that people who forge names seldom or never confide the fact
+to their children--which inevitably brings moral contagion into the
+entire family. From which it follows, logically, that KROGSTAD has
+been poisoning his children for years by acting a part, and is morally
+lost. (_Stretches out his hands to her._) I can't bear a morally lost
+Bank-cashier about me!
+
+_Nora_. But you never thought of dismissing him till CHRISTINA came!
+
+_Helmer_. H'm! I've got some business to attend to--so good-bye,
+little lark! [_Goes into office and shuts door._
+
+_Nora_ (_pale with terror_). If KROGSTAD poisons his children because
+he once forged a name, I must be poisoning EMMY, and BOB, and IVAR,
+because _I_ forged Papa's signature! (_Short pause; she raises
+her head proudly._) After all, if I _am_ a doll, I can still
+draw a logical induction! I mustn't play with the children any
+more--(_hotly_)--I don't care--I _shall_, though! Who cares for
+KROGSTAD?
+
+    [_She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as Curtain
+    falls._
+
+N.B.--The tremendous psychological problem of whether NORA is as much
+of a doll, a squirrel, and a lark, as she seems, and if so, whether
+it is her own fault, or HELMER's or Society's, will be solved in
+subsequent numbers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.--At last by the authority of the L.C.C. his
+Grace of BEDFORD has been notified that within three months from
+now "Locks, bolts, and bars must fly asunder" in the parish of St.
+Pancras, where henceforth existence of all such obstruction is to
+cease. We hope that the gate-keepers, whose occupation is gone, have
+been amply provided for, as they will now have no gates, but only
+themselves to keep. _Mr. Punch_ has persistently advocated the reform.
+And now, Gentlemen, how about Mud Salad Market, which, like Scotland
+in _Macbeth's_ time, "stands where it did"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FASCINATION!
+
+"APOLLONIUS, by some probable conjectures, found her out to be a
+serpent, a Lamia; and that all her furniture was, like Tantalus's
+gold described by HOMER, no substance, but mere illusion."--_Burton's
+Anatomy of Melancholy._]
+
+  A LAMIA, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most unequivocal, betray the
+      Snake;
+  As fell ophidian as in fierce meridian of Afric ever lurked in swamp or
+      brake;
+  And yet Corinthian LYCIUS  never doted on the white-throated charmer of
+      his soul
+  With blinder passion than our fools of Fashion
+                                Feel for this gruesome ghoul.
+
+  Poor LYCIUS had excuse. Who might refuse worship to Lamia, "now a lady
+      bright"?
+  But foul-fanged here, fierce-eyed, a shape of fear, the serpent stands,
+  revealed to general sight,
+  A loathly thing, close knotted ring on ring, of guise unlovely, and
+      infectious breath;
+  And yet strong witchery draws to those wide jaws
+                                Whose touch is shameful death.
+
+  See how the flattering things on painted wings, foolish as gnat-swarms
+      near the shrivelling blaze,
+  Flock nearer, nearer! Forms, too, quainter, queerer, frog-dupes of folly,
+      rabbit-thralls of craze,
+  Butterfly triflers, gay-plumed would-be riflers of golden chalices, of
+      poisoned flowers,
+  Flitter and flutter in delirium utter,
+                                As drawn by wizard powers.
+
+  Oh, "Painted Lady," Summer coverts shady, the greenwood home, the sweep
+      of sunny fields,
+  A butterfly befit; but where's the wit that mire-befouled to the
+      swamp-demon yields?
+  Oh, birds of Iris-glitter, black and bitter will be the wakening when
+      those gaudy plumes
+  Fall crushed and leaden, as your senses deaden
+                                In poisonous Python fumes!
+
+  Ye _gobemouche_ creatures of batrachian features, who "go a-wooing" such
+      a fate as this,
+  Have ye no vision of that doom's decision? Have ye no ear for rattle or
+      for hiss?
+  Salammbô's craving, morbid and enslaving, was sanity compared with your
+      mad love,
+  As well the swallow the fierce shrike might follow,
+                                Or hawk be chased by dove!
+
+  Tantalus' gold is all such Lamias hold; 'tis Devil's dice such Mammon
+      vassals throw;
+  A sordid fever fires each fool-believer in the gross glitter, the unholy
+      glow.
+  Vile is your Dagon! Circe's venomed flagon embruted less than doth the
+      Lamia's wine,
+  Than Comus' cup more perilous to sup--
+                                As snakes are worse than swine.
+
+  The poet's snake enchanted, who so flaunted her borrowed robes amidst the
+      daffodils,
+  Hath piteous touches. She, from Fate's clutches, free some brief space,
+      "escaped from so sore ills,"
+  Moves our compassion. But this modern fashion of Snake Enchanter looks
+      unlovely all.
+  Greed's inspiration its sole fascination.
+                                Low selfishness its thrall.
+
+  "A Serpent!" So the Sophist murmured low, and "LYCIUS' arms were empty of
+      delight,"
+  LAMIA had fled! Would that some sage cool head, some modern APOLLONIUS,
+      with the might
+  Of sense magnanimous, would banish thus the bestial Lamia of our later day,
+  Whose fascination draws a noble nation
+                                To sordid slow decay!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DANTE NOT "IN IT"!--The Italian language is to be excluded from the
+Indian Civil Service Examination. "The story is extant, and written
+in very choice Italian," said _Hamlet_, and SHAKSPEARE knew that the
+reference would be intelligible to his audience. But _Hamlet_ "up to
+date" in this "so-called nineteenth century" would be compelled to
+give the speech thus, "The original story, I believe, is written in
+the Italian language, with which none of us here are acquainted."
+But, after all, the candidates may be inclined to adapt the
+Gilbert-Sullivan words and music to the occasion, and sing--
+
+  "So, in spite of all temptation,
+  At the next examination
+    They'll bar I-tal-i-an!"
+
+Though, years hence, it may happen that they'll be sorry they weren't
+compelled to get up Italian as one of the subjects.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOUR OF EASE!"--which line would make a suitable
+motto for our very useful, chatty, and interesting weekly contemporary
+entitled _Woman. À propos_ of "headings," the only one in the
+above-mentioned publication to which objection can possibly be taken
+"on the face of it" is "Wrinkles." Wouldn't "Whispers" be better? It
+is quite enough for _Woman_ to appear with lines, but it's too bad
+that wrinkles should be added while she is yet so young.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."--Once again occurs an illustration of the
+applicability of Dickensian characters to modern instances. In last
+Thursday's _Times_, by special Razzle-Dalziel wire, we read of the
+return of another great Arctic explorer, Mr. WASHBURTON PIKE, after
+having braved dangers demanding the most dauntless courage. Here,
+then, are two single gentlemen rolled into one: it is _Pike_ and
+_Pluck_ combined.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEATUS POSSIDENS.
+
+"I'VE COME ABOUT A JOB. I HEARD THERE WAS A BOY WANTED."
+
+"OH, YOU 'EARD AS THERE WAS A BOY WANTED, DID YER? THEN YOU'RE JUST
+TOO LATE, 'COS MASTER'S SOOTED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION.
+
+1. The earliest specimen of the Birch. (_Suggested by a Merry Swish
+Boy._)
+
+2. Salt-cellar used for holding the Salt at Montem time.
+
+3. Specimen of Haberdashery, from an Eton "Sock" shop.
+
+4. Model of the most powerful "Long-glass" from "Tap."
+
+5. Chips from the Earliest Block, with authentic history of Etonian
+Original Transgression, or "First Fault."
+
+6. Documents tracing the connection between "Pop" and the Pawnbroking
+business.
+
+7. Specimen of Lower Boy's Hat, with motto, "_Sub Tegmine Fag-I!_"
+
+8. Portraits of Eminent "Sitters" on Fourth of June and Election
+Saturday in the early part of present century.
+
+9. Scull of a "Wet-Bob" originally feathered.
+
+10. A copy (perfect and signed) of another boy's verses. (N.B. Not
+very scarce.)
+
+11. Portraits of eminent Landlords who, acting on SHERIDAN's advice,
+have "kept up the Xtopher."
+
+12. Also, portrait, with life and times of the crabbed old Thames
+Waterman, known on the river as "Surly HALL."
+
+    [Any future suggestions that maybe sent to us will be entirely
+    at the service of the Duke of FIFE and others, interested in
+    promoting this most interesting exhibition.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PUBLISHER AND HIS FRIENDS.--In order to worthily celebrate the
+hearty reception, by the critics and the public generally, of this
+most interesting and successful work, the present representatives of
+the great publishing firm of MURRAY will give a grand banquet, and,
+with SMILES, will sing in chorus the once popular refrain, "We are a
+Murray family, we are, we are, we are!" _Prosit!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THOSE IT MAY CONCERN.--In reply to several Correspondents, _Mr.
+Punch_ begs to suggest that ANTHONY TROLLOPE would certainly have
+observed, "_I say Yes!_" had he been told that WILKIE COLLINS had
+written "_I Say No!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER.
+
+(_A STORY OF THE PARLIAMENTARY BAR._)
+
+"You will not forget, Sir," said my excellent and admirable clerk,
+"that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of the House of
+Commons, in the matter of the Glogsweller Railway Extension?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I glanced somewhat severely at PORTINGTON, but was gratified to find
+that his face was quite free from any suggestion of levity. I was
+the more pleased with the result of my investigation, as, truth to
+tell, the delivery of a brief in the matter of the Extension of the
+Glogsweller Railway Company had been somewhat of an event in my life.
+I had never before had the honour of practising at the Parliamentary
+Bar. So for months my mind had been entirely occupied with the date
+fixed for my appearance in the Committee Room of the House of Commons,
+known technically, I believe, at St. Stephens, as "upstairs."
+
+"You will be sure to meet me there, to-morrow, PORTINGTON?" I
+observed.
+
+"Certainly, Sir," replied my clerk. "But, as I have to be down at the
+Mayor's Court with Mr. CHARLES O'MULLIGAN in the morning, I daresay
+you won't mind if I come with your sandwiches and sherry, Sir, at two,
+or thereabouts."
+
+I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. O'MULLIGAN shares with me the good
+offices of PORTINGTON, but generally contrives to secure the lion's
+portion of his services. I had arranged--understanding that no
+adjournment was made for luncheon--that some refreshment should be
+conveyed to me during the day's proceedings, so that my voice should
+lose none of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced weakness)
+when the time arrived for my advocacy of the cause of my clients.
+Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral interest in the day's
+proceedings. The great North-East Diddlesex Railway were promoting
+a Bill to carry a new line into the neighbourhood of the Glogsweller
+Extension, and my duty was confined to cross-examining one of the
+expert witnesses that I knew would be asked to support the G.N.E.D.R.
+To be candid, we had a goods depôt near their suggested terminus, and
+were fearful that their proposed proximity would damage our mineral
+traffic. The matter was simple enough, but I had taken months in
+carefully studying a small library of charts, Encyclopædias, and
+Parliamentary Blue Books, in mastering it.
+
+On the morning following my conversation with PORTINGTON, duly robed
+(I had put on my wig and gown in Chambers), I travelled by hansom
+to Westminster, and presented myself at the side entrance to St.
+Stephen's Hall. I had no difficulty in finding the Committee Room
+devoted to the consideration of the alleged necessities of the Great
+North-East Diddlesex Railway. It was a large and pleasant apartment,
+with a distant view through the windows of St. Thomas's Hospital. At
+a horse-shoe table sat the Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who
+might have filled equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved
+in the Royal Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I took
+my place amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were perfect
+strangers to me. The table in front of us was littered with plans,
+charts, and documents of all descriptions. A Q.C. brought with him
+a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard, and there were other
+refreshments mingled with the exhibits before us. On chairs at the
+side were Solicitors; at our back, separated from us by a bar,
+were the Public. On the walls were hanging huge charts, giving in
+pantomimic proportions the proposed progress of the projected line.
+In the corners of these charts were explanations why such a part
+was coloured green, or red, or blue. During the day's proceedings an
+attendant was told off to trace the course of a counsel's harangue by
+pointing out, with a lecturer's wand, the various places referred to
+in his speech.
+
+I was gratified to find that the expert whose evidence it was my duty
+to test by cross-examination, was soon in the witness-box. He was a
+gentleman of considerable bulk, which gave one of my learned friends,
+who was the first to take him in hand, the opportunity of saying,
+that he was a "witness of great weight," a remark which caused much
+laughter--even the Chairman of the Committee, a somewhat austere
+person, indulging in a stealthy smile at the ingenious sally. Such
+waggish flashes as this, I need scarcely say, were most welcome, and
+afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief to the necessary dryness
+that characterised, perforce, the proceedings. As the hands of the
+clock progressed, waiters carried into the Committee, various light
+refreshments, such as brandy-and-sodawater, sandwiches, and buns. My
+colleagues, too, when not actively engaged in the declamatory duties
+of their profession, partook of the viands with which they had
+provided themselves before the commencement of the day's labours. Thus
+the cups devoted to custard soon were empty, and the paper bags, once
+occupied by buns, crumpled up and discarded. I gazed at the clock.
+It was past two, and I was getting terribly hungry. I felt that my
+voice was becoming weak from famine. This would never do, and might
+endanger my clients' interests. I looked round eagerly for PORTINGTON.
+He was nowhere to be seen. I whispered to a colleague, "would the
+examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told it could not
+possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I made up my mind
+to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the corridor before I had
+entered the room, and hurriedly left my seat. I pushed my way through
+the public, and had scarcely got outside when I found my faithful
+clerk laden with sandwiches and sherry making post-haste towards me.
+
+"Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust the
+invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands; "run, Sir,
+run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence!"
+
+Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my subordinate
+I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that the
+examination-in-chief was nearly ended. I pulled myself together.
+I drank a glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My voice was in
+excellent tone, and I felt that the crisis of my life had indeed been
+reached. I knew that it was now or never. I had this great chance of
+distinguishing myself by pleasing my clients and securing a practice
+at the Parliamentary Bar, which might mean hundreds, nay, thousands
+a-year. I imagined my children at Eton, my wife in a carriage and
+pair, my address in Grosvenor Place. All I had to do to secure these
+tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients by my careful
+attention to their interests. The moment at length arrived. I rose to
+cross-examine.
+
+"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the situation,
+and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which was striking
+terror into the heart of the witness before me, _I_ am going to put a
+few questions to you!"
+
+"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly--"you will do nothing of
+the sort. You were not present during the _whole_ of the witness's
+       *       *       *       *       *
+I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and sherry had
+ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together (in the carriage
+and pair) for ever!
+
+_Pump-Handle Court_. (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;
+
+OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.
+
+NO. I.--AT THE ESTATE AGENT'S.
+
+Have you some nice houses to let furnished?--Here is our Catalogue,
+Sir.--I perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses; "sanitation
+perfect;" where is the satisfactory explanation of the fine
+advertisement?--It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).--What
+is "Queen Anne"?--Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but
+Queen Anne is (the) last.--Is then sanitation also something?--It
+is the little game of the big builder; it is all your (my, his,
+her,) eyes.--Can we have some nice furniture?--You can have (the
+furniture of) Chippendale, Sheraton, M'Adam, or Louis-Quinze.--It
+is too dear.--No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the clever
+carpenter.--I was done by you or by your brother; I require a room
+for my mother-in-law (neuter).--The good mother-in-law sleeps in the
+chamber of boxes (box-room), but the evil mother-in-law prefers the
+best bed-room.--How many persons are you?--We are sixteen.--You are,
+indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.--Is not the noble
+drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?--On the contrary,
+it is very lofty. There is room near the chandelier.--Where is
+the "moderate-sized garden"?--It is on the leads with the broken
+flower-pots, the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine
+or feminine).--Is it then much larger than a postage-stamp?--Decidedly
+not, Sir. It is also nearly as sticky. Much rain produces
+weeds.--Where are "the bath-rooms"? I only perceived a
+watering-pot.--Any rooms in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.--What
+is then the price?--The exorbitant client of the first-class agent
+demands four hundred guineas for the season.--It is too much.--He
+would take less in some minutes; but my commission will rest the
+same.--Here are "Commanding mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and
+"Desirable residences."--It is not difficult; the mansion that has a
+back-staircase is commanding, the "Bijou" is for the newly-married, or
+the actress, but the "Desirable residence" is what you desire.--What
+is then the "square hall"?--It is neither round nor oblong; therefore
+it is square. It is likewise in a square.--Is it geometrically the
+same as the Bridge of Asses?--I do not know. Sir.--Where is the
+capital accommodation for the poor servants?--It resembles the
+dark kennel of the sad dog.--What are dilapidations and electric
+light?--The first, Sir, is what you break; the second is what breaks
+_you_.--If I were to let my own house, and then to myself take it,
+would it be on the same terms?--No, the buyer is usually sold, but
+the seller loves the first of April.--If another agent were to let my
+house, would you, likewise, expect commission?--Why not? I am the best
+friend of the little lawyer with the long nose.--I was inquiring of
+you about flats.--It were better that you should be _sharp_, Sir.--I
+was not born yesterday (proverb.)--Right (adjective) you are, Sir; we
+will write (verb) to you till you take or let something, not alone
+I, but also some others; if you refuse me something, I will be very
+discontented.--Have you ever let well alone? (idiom).--We have let
+many things alone (bare), but you must, notwithstanding, pay for
+the fixtures.--I think I will be going.--Here are pens, paper, and
+a form of an attorney.--No, I thank you.--We shall not charge for
+this interview, but one must live.--I do not see the necessity
+(_v_. Anecdotes in Appendix).--The Necessity is the mother of the
+inventory.--Who is the Caretaker?--She is the great-grandmother of the
+superannuated laundress. She becomes sleepy during the Winter. Shall
+we send her to your house?--Not if I know it (expletive). Receive
+the assurance (insurance) of my highest consideration. By the bye
+(interjection), which is the topmost storey?--The topmost story is the
+last thing you have heard me mention. I salute you, Sir.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN UPON TRUST.
+
+(_A FAIR-AND-UNFAIRY STORY, FOUNDED UPON A MAGIC ACT._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Once upon a time there existed two fatherless and motherless orphans,
+who were just old enough to work for their living. Unfortunately they
+did not know how to dig, were too proud to beg, and had conscientious
+scruples that prevented them from stealing. Besides, one of the two
+was a girl; and there were not many openings for her. And matters
+would have gone very hard with them, indeed, had not a distant, but
+benevolent relative, kindly died and left them as a legacy a sum of
+money, of which they were to have the interest until they attained
+their majority, when it was to be divided equally between them. They
+were overjoyed, and rushed to the executor, who happened to be a
+lawyer.
+
+"Yes," said the man of costs, "I am indeed charged with the execution
+of the trust, and for your own sakes I hope you will not give me much
+trouble, as I shall, under the conditions of the will, have to make
+you pay for it."
+
+And after he had entered their visit (which he called an attendance)
+in his diary, to be subsequently copied into a ledger, he bowed them
+out.
+
+So the two orphans disappeared a little crestfallen; and they soon
+discovered that their legacy had the faculty of diminishing. The
+lawyer immediately transferred the money, which was invested in
+what he called "second-rate securities," into Consols, and this cost
+something, and considerably diminished their income. When the two
+orphans remonstrated, the lawyer said, that as he made scarcely more
+than out-of-pocket expenses in the matter, he did not feel justified
+in incurring the slightest risk.
+
+"I am only a simple girl," murmured one of the orphans, with a nervous
+blush; "but does not a recent statute give trustees power to invest
+the funds of their _cestui que_ trusts in securities yielding a larger
+return than 2¾ Goschens?"
+
+"Do not bandy words with me, Miss," replied the lawyer, angrily;
+"I shall act as I please, and if you or I ask for the estate to be
+administered, it will cost you a pretty penny."
+
+"Which no doubt will find its way into your pocket," returned the
+maiden, simply. "But surely a 4½ mortgage on real property can be
+obtained without risk, if you do not act contrary to the provisions of
+the Trustee Relief Act?"
+
+But the lawyer was very angry, and threatened her that if she made any
+further complaint he would appeal to the Chancery Division of the High
+Court of Justice, which would mean, probably, the absorption of the
+entire estate in a gigantic bill of costs.
+
+So, with a sigh, the maiden and her brother retired. That night, as
+she was sitting over the fire, before retiring to rest, she had a
+dream, when a nice-looking old gentleman appeared before her, and
+asked her "why she was so sad?"
+
+"Because we have a lawyer for our trustee, who is most unobliging, and
+expensive. I am afraid, kind Sir, _you_ cannot help us."
+
+"Do not say so until you have perused this scroll," he replied, with a
+benevolent smile, and he gave her a paper. "To-morrow, if your trustee
+again threatens you, and offers to retire, take him at his word. If
+I replace him, I will do all you wish--enter into mortgages, invest
+your capital to the best possible advantage, and make myself generally
+amiable."
+
+"But how shall we pay you for so much kindness?" asked the now
+overjoyed maiden.
+
+"By a tariff fixed by the Government. It will be my duty to do my best
+for you, and I shall have no personal interest in running up costs
+like the common (or garden) kind of family Solicitor."
+
+So the next day, when the lawyer began to threaten to resign, the
+orphans took him at his word, and all that the nice-looking old
+gentleman had foretold came to pass. And when the orphans were getting
+the best possible interest for their money, at a trifling expense, the
+maiden looked at the scroll which had been given to her, and found it
+was inscribed, "The Public Trustee Act."
+
+And, so far as the lawyer, who had been discarded, knew (or cared),
+the maiden and her brother lived happily ever afterwards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+More about DICKENS. By the loving hand of PERCY FITZGERALD the
+Bookmaker,--not sporting, but literary. Of making books, with PERCY
+FITZ there is no end. He is the king of the Bookmakers, _Per se Fitz_.
+This time it is the _History of the Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick
+Club_, published by CHAPMAN AND HALL, and "inscribed"--why not
+"dedicated?"--to HENRY FIELDING DICKENS, son of "The Only One,"
+the Master. _Interesting?_ Of course it is, anything about DICKENS,
+specially in connection with the immortal _Pickwick_, must be
+interesting, and for chatty, gossiping bookmaking we only say, "Give
+us Fitz." He is to the manor born. He is neither romancer nor poet:
+"_poeta nascitur non_ 'Fitz.'" Occasionally FITZ is aggravatingly
+reticent. For instance, at page 16 we read, "_Two or three years
+ago_"--which? two or three?--"_a curious and amusing coincidence
+brought the author's son, a barrister in good practice_"--Which son?
+His name? There were more sons than one: were they all barristers? And
+was this one the only one in good practice?--"_into connection with
+his father's famous book. It occurred at a trial on the Circuit._"
+Which Circuit? Which is "_the_ Circuit"? The Baron, who is now the
+Last of the Barons but one, only asks because the phrase "on Circuit"
+would not have required his query; but "on the Circuit" is another
+pair of shoes. "_A trial_." What trial? When? At p. 17, "_The Judge
+entered into the humour of the thing_"--what Judge? The Baron is
+of opinion that in the well-known advertisement about the Waverley
+Pen, quoted in a note at p. 25, the correct order should be, "_The
+Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pen_"--not Pickwick last. Did
+CHARLES DICKENS ever write to FORSTER that he was "_getting on like a
+house o' fire"?_ Surely this should be a "house a-fire," or "a house
+on fire"; for a "house o' fire" means a "house of fire," which is not
+what the expression is intended to convey. At p. 51, in a note, FITZ
+says, "'_Phiz, Whizz,' or something of that kind, was_ T. HOOD's
+_joke_." Was it? If so, where does the joke come in?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+My friend, the late GEORGE ROSE, better known as "ARTHUR SKETCHLEY,"
+used to say that DICKENS took _Sam Weller_ from (as I understood him)
+a character in one of O'KEEFE's comedies. This statement was given
+on the authority of Mr. BAYLE BERNARD. But I am bound to say I can
+find nothing like _Sam_ in O'KEEFE's; but I have found DICKENS there
+bodily. It is in Sc. 1, Act I. of _Life's Vagaries; or, The Neglected
+Son._ "'Oh!' exclaims FANNY, 'if my papa was to see me--oh!' (_Seeing_
+DICKENS, _runs; he stops her._)" And, oddly enough, in this edition of
+1798, frequently as the above-mentioned character appears, it is "on
+this occasion only" that the name is spelt with an "E."
+
+Mr. FITZGERALD, at p. 136 of this book, says, that an actor named
+SAM VALE, appearing as _Simon Splatterdash_, in a piece called _The
+Boarding-House_, was in the habit of "interlarding his conversation
+with metaphorical illustrations"--and then follow the examples. _The
+Boarding-House_, however, is not by O'KEEFE, but, as appears from a
+note in _Sketches by Boz_, was being performed when DICKENS's short
+tale of _The Boarding-House_ appeared. For my part, I long ago came to
+the conclusion that _Sam Weller_ was absolutely an original creation,
+as far, that is, as anything outside the immaterial realms of fancy
+and fairyland can be an original creation. Our FITZ gives CALVERLEY's
+Examination Paper, and also an Oxford imitation of it, which, however,
+is not by any means up to the CALVERLEY-BLADES mark. There is also a
+preface to _Pickwick_, specially interesting, as not being found in
+later editions. Then our Fitz informs us how many dramatic versions of
+_Pickwick_ there have been, some with and some without music, bringing
+the list down to the latest "Dramatic Cantata" (it oughtn't to have
+been so described, as there was dialogue in it), the music of which
+will always hold a first place among the compositions of the Musical
+Baron's friend claiming to be the gifted descendant of the Wise and
+Musical King SOLOMON.
+
+Altogether a vote of thanks should be presented to Mr. PERCY
+FITZGERALD for his entertaining, instructive, and most readable book
+on the immortal _Pickwick_, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION.
+
+_Husband_ (_off to Paris_). "DON'T CRY, DARLING. IT'S _TOO_ SAD TO
+LEAVE YOU, I _KNOW_! BUT YOU CAN TALK TO ME THERE JUST AS IF WE WERE
+TOGETHER--ONLY BE CAREFUL, AS IT'S EXPENSIVE!"
+
+_Wife_. "IS IT, DARLING? HA-HA-HADN'T YOU BETTER LEAVE ME A FEW BLANK
+CHEQUES?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TALKING BY TIME.
+
+The growing pressure of the business having already obliged the
+Belgium Postal Authorities to cut down the time allowed for a
+telephonic communication between Paris and Brussels, from five minutes
+to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of public patronage that
+may be expected when the wire is opened between London and the French
+Capital, will soon necessitate the substitution, in place of the
+promised ten minutes, of an allowance to each speaker of a minute,
+or at most a minute and a half for his interview, which it may
+confidently be expected will not unfrequently take the following
+shape:--
+
+_Inexorable Official_. Now, Sir; your turn next.
+
+    [_Shuts intending London Talker in, and switches him "on."_
+
+_London Talker_. Dear me! How quick they are, one hardly knows what
+one is about. I wonder how loud, now, one ought to speak. Better
+shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first. (_At the top of his voice through
+the tube._) Hullo! Hi! I say. Are you there?
+
+_Paris Listener_ (_replying_). Oh! don't bawl like that. Of course I'm
+here, I've been waiting quite half a minute; thought you were never
+going to begin. But I suppose it is JONES I am speaking to?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh yes, I'm JONES. It's all right. But can't you
+recognise my voice?
+
+_Paris Listener_. Not when you bawl fit to break the drum of one's
+ear. But come, now, get on quick with what you want to say.
+
+_London Talker_. All right--I'll get on. But now tell me, do I pitch
+my voice about right now? Can you catch distinctly all I say?
+
+_Paris Listener_. Oh yes! Bother! But do get on. Timesgoifast.
+
+_London Talker_. What? I didn't catch that last word. Time's what?
+
+_Paris Listener_ (_very distinctly, with emphasis_). I
+said--that--time--was--going fast. Can you hear that?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh yes, I can hear that, and most distinctly. Really,
+it is a most wonderful invention.
+
+_Paris Listener_. Oh, bother the invention! Do come to business! What
+did you want me for?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh. of course. Well, it was just this. I thought--
+
+_Inexorable Official_. Time's up, Sir. Trouble you to make room for
+this Lady.
+
+    [_Switches him "off," and turns him out._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"
+
+Mr. JOHN BULL _loquitur_:--
+
+  "Love me, love my Dog!" Well, _I_ don't want to flog
+    The fine but excitable fellow.
+  With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail
+    To bounce round a bit, and to bellow.
+  I'd do my square best with the greatest good will,
+  If only he'd--just for a moment--stand still.
+
+  Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip
+    On one's caudal appendage? Ah, just so!
+  I know 'tis a task that seems _too_ much to ask.
+    I'm reasonable,--or I trust so.
+  But there _is_ the Lobster, it's holding on fast.
+  And--hang it! this state of affairs cannot last!
+
+  How came it about? That's a matter of doubt,
+    Which there isn't much use in discussing,
+  To part them's my aim; I would manage that same
+    Without either fighting or fussing.
+  Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it nice
+  To live very long with its tail in a vice!
+
+  I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear!
+    The Dog to my call won't attend. I
+  Conceive, if he would, it might be for his good,
+    I'd hit on some _modus vivendi_.
+  But if Dog _won't_ stand still, and if Lobster _won't_ loose,
+  My heartiest help cannot be of much use.
+
+  One ANDROCLES bold eased a lion of old
+    Of a thorn in his foot--a great worry!
+  But ANDROCLES, sure, would have failed of a cure
+    If poor Leo had kept on the scurry,
+  As you, my dear Dog, do at present. _Verb. sap.!_
+  Do just let me _get at_ the Lobster, old chap!
+
+  While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle and wail,
+    And romp all around, the best master,
+  And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't part.
+    _Don't_ think I deride your disaster!
+  The pinch of it might make an elephant prance;
+  No, all that I ask is--_just give me a chance!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"
+
+JOHN BULL. "IF I COULD ONLY GET HIM TO STAND STILL, I COULD SOON
+SETTLE THE LOBSTER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TEN MINUTES' IDYL.
+
+  Life is a farce, a dreary round,
+    A fraud--of that there's not a doubt,
+  Although I've only lately found
+                     It out.
+
+  Bad boldly masquerades as good,
+    Fruit turns to ashes in the taking,
+  Unpleasant very is the rude
+                     Awaking.
+
+  'Tis Spring, when something, so one learns,
+    Seems to affect the burnished dove,
+  And when a young man's fancy turns
+                     To love.
+
+  With window open to the breeze,
+    The tramp of passers-by unheeding,
+  I sit reclining at mine ease,
+                     A-reading.
+
+  I've read enough--and not amiss
+    I rather fancy now would be
+  A little rest--ah! what is this
+                     I see?
+
+  A sight that's almost past belief,
+    And makes me think I must be raving,
+  For there a girl a handkerchief
+                     Is waving!
+
+  Like to a light that in the black
+    And inky night shines o'er the main,
+  It disappears, and then comes back
+                     Again.
+
+  I know the house quite well--I've heard
+    Her father's something in the City,
+  And she's a blue-eyed girl absurd-
+                     -ly pretty.
+
+  By Jove! she does it with a whirr,
+    It's clear this inexpressive she
+  Is given to the _fortiter_
+                     _In re_.
+
+  Of course it's forward--and indeed
+    It's worse--it's shockingly imprudent
+  Thus to encourage me, a need-
+                      -y student.
+
+  Her form is shadowy--I must
+    Get out my glasses, so to bring
+  Her nearer. Yes--the range is just
+                     The thing!
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Life is a farce, without a doubt!
+    The cause of all this fuss and fluster
+  Is just a housemaid shaking out
+                     Her duster!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THEIR EASTER EGGS.
+
+_Lord Salisbury_.--Allegorical Cartoon representing BRITANNIA
+astonished at the success of her recent Foreign Policy.
+
+_Mr. Gladstone_.--Pocket Edition of Cyclopædia of Universal
+Information, copiously illustrated, for the use of veteran Statesmen.
+
+_The Emperor of Germany_.--Prize Homily on the Art of Governing, with
+special reference to the science as applied to the subordination of
+"temper."
+
+_Mr. Parnell_.--Sculptured Group representing the Reptile of Egotism
+turning the tables on St. Patrick, and endeavouring to drive him out
+of Ireland.
+
+_The President of the United States_.--An Italian Iron--over-heated.
+
+_Ex-King Milan of Servia_.--A Monthly Cheque for amusement and
+travelling expenses, but not including a return ticket to Belgrade.
+
+_The Post-Master-General_.--One hundred Receipts for getting into hot
+water.
+
+_Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris_.--Draft Proposal for buying up and
+working the British Government with duly audited Schedule, showing how
+the "takings" could be more than doubled by spirited management.
+
+_Mr. Jackson of Clitheroe_.--Prize Farce entitled, "Lynch Law and
+Conjugal Rights."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--
+
+TO DINNER.
+
+(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._)
+
+NO. III.--THE GREAT UNKNOWN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  _He_ was a dapper, dumpy thing,
+    With nought decisive on him graven
+  But smiles, like footlights flickering
+              O'er visage shaven.
+
+  And _it_, that kind of social myth
+    Where every guest (and each a rum one)
+  Is Somebody, because the kith
+              Or kin of Someone.
+
+  The Great Siberian Victim's Aunt,
+    The Godfather of Colonel CODY,
+  And some affinity I can't
+              Recall to DAUDET.
+
+  In fine, a Tussaud's once removed,
+    Not waxworks, but their far connections;
+  The names, the attitudes, approved,
+              But mere reflections.
+
+  Our hostess, wont to pedigree
+    Her portents, slurred his surname sweetly;
+  So up my smiler tripped--to me
+              Unknown completely.
+
+  Thus mystified, I needs must bruit
+    The weather--"It was rainy, rather."
+  "Yes," he rejoined, "It does not suit
+              My Poet-father:
+
+  "Strange how the damp affects great men;
+    My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist,
+  You know paints always smartest when
+              It rains the smartest."
+
+  "In _water_-colours?" feebly next
+    I faltered, falling quite to pieces:
+  "No, no," he murmured mildly vexed,
+              "_You_ mean my nieces.
+
+  "Those delicate young paintresses
+    Of Idyls in Cobalt and Bistre,
+  Though for Impressionist success,
+              Give me my sister.
+
+  "My nephew, he's inspired of course,
+    Divine, quite _autre chose: en bref_ you--
+  Forgive an uncle's pride--perforce
+              Adore my nephew."
+
+  Reeling with Relatives, I quite
+    My compass lost: to shift our bearing,
+  "Who is the Lady on your right?"
+              Quoth I, despairing.
+
+  "That Beauty, like the portraits I've
+    For sale beheld of Miss BELLE BILTON."--
+  "She? She's the representative,
+              The last, of MILTON!"
+
+  This was too much: what _could_ I try
+    To burst from such a tangled tether?
+  The shops for neutral ground, thought I,
+              Eclipse the weather.
+
+  The shops! The very thing. I dared
+    The shops. "How wonderful was WHITELEY!"
+  Dazed at the Wizard's name he stared,
+              And shuddered slightly.
+
+  A silence froze his ready twang:
+    No more he smiled--from that fell minute,
+  HENRY THE FIRST--to speak in slang--
+              Was scarcely in it.
+
+  That smilelessness! What meant the curse?
+    Who could the skein unravel? I did.
+  This was the Diner "Univers-
+              -ally provided."
+
+  Renowned, if nameless--hired to be
+    Salvation of a banquet's ruin,
+  "Monsieur Le Quatorzième" took me,
+              And may take you in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MERRY GREEN WOOD.
+
+_AN "EPPING FOREST" CHORUS._
+
+    "For ever and again the Corporation of London send down their
+    _protégés_, the young City sportsmen who may, or may not, know
+    how to load a gun, but who are very keen on 'Sport.' Then the
+    herds are driven by beaters towards the gallant huntsmen, the
+    forest re-echoes with the report of guns, and next day you
+    can trace the whereabouts of the wounded bucks and deer by
+    tracks of blood among the bushes, and by impressions on the
+    grass where the maimed creature has fallen in its flight for
+    life."--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+_Chorus of Huntsmen._
+
+  Oh, we like,--we love the Merry Green Wood,
+    As should Huntsmen bold of the proper sort!
+  And we would hit the stag _if we possibly could_,--
+    As is meet with such palpable sons of Sport.
+  Away to the forest we cheerily run,
+    And wait for the beaters' welcome cry;
+  And though we are new to the use of a gun,
+  What matters? At anything we'll let fly!
+  So Sing hey, sing ho, for the startled deer;
+  We warrant we'll hit him, if _he_ comes near
+  And we'll send him lame and limping away,
+  With a shot he'll remember for many a day!
+  For marry come up! But it would be absurd
+  To expect a bold Sportsman to bag the whole herd!
+  So he blazes away; and he hits one or two;
+  And they hobble away in some thicket to lie,
+  And, after a day or two's suffering, die;
+  We don't see precisely what more we could do,
+  Than shout that "we love the Merry Green Wood!"
+  And would settle the stag,--_if we possibly could!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following advertisement appears in the _Standard_:--
+
+    A Lady wishes to have twice from the country a SUPPLY of LIVE
+    SPARROWS, for a favourite cat.--Address, &c.
+
+There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty look about this "Lady's"
+desire to supply her favourite cat with some downright real Sport. For
+it is to be presumed that she intends her well-cared for pet literally
+to do the unhappy sparrows to death in the most approved fashion. How
+will she manage it? Clip their wings, and set them on the drawing-room
+floor; or tie strings to their legs, and let the favourite cat "go for
+them?" Cats must be fed. But it is not necessary to provide them with
+a "Supply of Live Sparrows" twice, or even once. We submit the subject
+to the notice of the S.P.C.A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE POUND NOTES.--Probable rate that a fashionable _prima donna_ will
+charge for a song in the near future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APRIL FOOLS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY!
+
+_Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman loquitur_:--
+
+  Yesh, HARRY LAWSHUN mosh entirely righ'!
+  WILFRIDSH mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh'
+  Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw snakesh.
+  Frigh'ful to watch 'em wrigglung, when one wakesh
+  Over the quilterpane--I mean counterquilt.
+  Liqnorsh are lovely, when you're that waysh built;
+  But snakesh ish pizen! So ish liquorsh, too--
+  Leastwaysh, so WILFRIDSH LAWSHON and hish crew
+  Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash'ral Museum,
+  Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee 'em!
+  All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twirls, and twiddles;
+  Tails like long corkscrewsh, gogglesh in their middles;
+  Big headsh, and bony bodysh--frigh'fully frisky!
+  Fancy sush things living in Irish Whishky,
+  Like animalcu--what's it? in--_hic_--water!
+  No matter! I've sworn offsh! POLLY, my daughter,
+  Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now!
+  To Heaven's broad blue vault I lift my brow,
+  A shober Br--Bri'sh Workman! So old DUMPER,
+  The lecturer, putsh it. He'sh a rare tub-thumper!
+  Itsh Easter Shunday, and I am not tigh'!
+  Bri'sh Workman--Nash'ral Museum! Thatsh or'righ'.
+  Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed ginger-beer
+  Gassysh--go i' my head an' makesh me queer!
+  One nipsh!--no, no! won't do! Wherream I? Lor!
+  Strai' on, the plishman says, through tha' there door.
+  Doorsh blesshed wide, and these 'ere big shop-cases
+  With bitsh o' stone and beedlesh!--Yah! Thosh faces!
+  Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and bony!
+  Thosh wrigglewigglements! I'll bet a pony
+  _Thish_ ish no Nash'ral Museum--Nash--_hic_--ral Hishtory!
+  Look at 'em! _Look_ at 'em!! Oh, hersh a mystery!
+  POLLYSH,--where are yer? Where'sh that blesshed bottle?
+  I'vesh got a peck o' March dust down my throttle.
+  Give ush that gin--ger beersh, o' course, I mean.
+  Look, POLLY!--shee that creature long and lean,
+  Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it
+  With thish 'ere Bri's'h Museum! Wai' a minute!
+  Where am I? Whersh tha' girl? Can't read this lingo!
+  "Mega--" It moves! _Got 'em again, by Jingo!!!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON.
+
+(_At the Natural History Museum._)
+
+_Visitor_. "HULLO! I SAY, I'VE GOT 'EM AGIN! GI' ME THE BLUE RIBBON!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+_March 10_.--It has come at last, and I'm free to confess I don't care
+for it half as much as I thought I should. I got the letter five days
+ago. Here it is:--
+
+    45, _Main Street, Billsbury, March 4, 18--._
+
+Sir,--I have been in communication with headquarters, and I am
+informed that you are looking out for a Constituency at the next
+General Election. We have been for some time past endeavouring to
+find a Candidate for this Borough, and should be glad to hear if we
+may submit your name to the consideration of our local Council. The
+political history of Billsbury must be known to you. Up to the date of
+the last election we have always been represented by a Conservative.
+In fact, Billsbury was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress
+of sound Constitutional opinion.
+
+Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the Constituency
+the time and attention it required. Moreover, I may mention in strict
+confidence, that his conduct over the Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme
+alienated a considerable number of his supporters, and the consequence
+was that at the last election Sir THOMAS CHUBSON, the Liberal
+Candidate and present Member for Billsbury, was elected by a majority
+of 279. Since then, however, the Party has rallied, the divisions in
+our ranks have been healed, the registrations have been very much in
+our favour, and there is no reason to doubt that, as soon as Billsbury
+has the chance, she will return to her ancient allegiance. I shall
+be in London the day after to-morrow (Thursday, March 6), and shall
+do myself the honour of calling upon you. Kindly let me know where
+and when I can see you. I shall be glad to afford you any further
+information.
+
+    Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND,
+
+_To RICHARD B. PATTLE, Esq., President Billsbury Conservative
+Association. Dr. Johnson Buildings, Temple, E.C._
+
+I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged me
+to accept, and told me that even if I failed, which they said was
+extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an irresistible claim
+on the Party." Afterwards saw VULLIAMY, the Member for one of the
+Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of course you must. Ridiculous
+to hesitate. A youngster like you, who only left College four years
+ago, ought to be proud of the chance. If you're beaten you'll have a
+claim on the Party, and mind you don't let 'em forget it. Curse them,
+they never think of a man's valuable services if he doesn't keep on
+reminding them himself;" and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an
+hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how "the shabby beggars"
+had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It seems the other
+side manage their business much better. Next I called on Uncle HENRY
+in the City. He said he'd stick to his promise of paying half my
+expenses, but wouldn't help me to nurse the place. However, I daresay
+that won't cost much. Eventually wrote to Old TOLLAND, and asked
+him to call at my Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home
+and told my mother. She said, "My darling boy, I knew you would be
+distinguished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had only
+lived, he would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind you have that
+horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery." And with that she
+kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the news. I sloped.
+
+On Thursday Old TOLLAND called. It seems he's an Alderman, and I
+only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted to know, What were my
+views on the Labour Question? Was I an Eight Hours' man? How about
+Vaccination and Woman's Suffrage? and all kinds of other rubbish.
+I had to beat about a good deal, and answer generally, but at last
+I consented to address the Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the
+day. If accepted, I shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go
+through it all again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose
+it's the usual way.
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RIGHTS OF COUNSEL.
+
+(_BY A CLIENT_.)
+
+  Oh, what are the "rights" of the Q.C.?
+  The point of the question but few see.
+        Those rights are to do
+        What suits _him_, if not _you_!
+  Faith! that's the whole business _in nuce_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOKIN'S LATEST.--"The Surplus will be anything but a _dry_ subject
+this year, as it is owing to a steady or (probably) unsteady
+consumption of Drink!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 23_.--Easter Holidays begin
+to-morrow; to-night last rally round RAIKES; Postmaster harried from
+both sides of House; the Contumacious COBB begins it; comments on
+Coroner's conduct beginning to pall on accustomed appetite; references
+to delicate investigation in judicial circles falling flat; so turns
+upon POSTMASTER-GENERAL. Wants to know about the Boy Messengers?
+Pack in full cry; RAIKES pelted with newspapers, assailed with
+over-weighted letters; late at night CAMERON comes up quite
+fresh, desiring to "call attention to the position taken up by the
+POSTMASTER-GENERAL with regard to the Electric Call and Boy Messenger
+System," just as if he had at the moment made the discovery.
+
+[Illustration: "Wonderful!"]
+
+In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol; explains
+it's the thing you work the electric call with. You press a button
+here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda; another button, and you
+have a sausage and a hot potato; a third, and your boots are suddenly
+pulled off by an unseen agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated
+in a hansom cab, with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay
+your fare withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the
+morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with the
+machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who ought to have
+been called at this hour.
+
+GANE, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat entranced, listening to
+this interesting narrative, and watching the illustrations rapidly
+produced by CAMERON, as he touched the various buttons.
+
+"Wonderful!" cried GANE, Q.C. "Never knew anything like it since I
+read _Arabian Nights_."
+
+"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON.
+
+Must think this over during the Recess.
+
+For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House, falling
+into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy tale.
+
+[Illustration: The Pillary Post.]
+
+"It's only postponed, TOBY," he said, wearily, CAMERON (having
+accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly carried off to
+bed in the middle of a sentence; "they'll be at me again to-morrow,
+and will begin once more, like giants refreshed, when they come back
+from the holidays. It's an old story; the House of Commons must always
+have its whipping-boy. Don't know whether you've sat long enough for
+Barks to remember AYRTON? A dead set was made against him, and he
+was not only driven out of office, but forth from public life. It's
+generally the HOME SECRETARY who is fastened on. There was WALPOLE,
+chronically reduced to tears. BRUCE was chivied by the cabmen, and
+had his hat blocked by the publicans. The blameless HARCOURT didn't
+go scot free whilst he was at the Home Office. MATTHEWS has had a long
+run, with the hounds after him. Now they've turned aside from him,
+and are yelping after me. It's very well for MATTHEWS, but a little
+worrying for me. Of course I don't claim to be perfect. As HARCOURT
+once admitted of himself, I'm almost human, I try to do my duty, and
+protect the interests of Department committed to my charge. They come
+in touch with all classes, and naturally there is friction. Just now
+the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised. Perhaps it'll fall
+away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather wearing, so pitilessly
+monotonous. As you said the other day, a new constitutional maxim
+has been established. Once OLD MORALITY used to write in his
+copybook, 'The QUEEN can Do no Wrong.' Now he may add this
+other, 'The POSTMASTER-GENERAL Does Nothing Right.'" _Business
+done._--Miscellaneous.
+
+_Tuesday Afternoon_.--Winding up business before holiday; rather a
+scramble at the end. OLD MORALITY, as usual, piled up heap of work
+to be got through. "Quite easy, you know," he said. "Tithes Bill,
+Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill, Savings Bank Bill, take them
+in your stride. What does the poet say? Line upon Line; Little by
+Little; Here to-day and gone To-morrow. Those are the sound economical
+principles that should guide a man through life."
+
+At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here to-day, we
+wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last stage took a lot
+of fighting over. House wouldn't have Electoral Disabilities Removal
+Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at any price.
+
+"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in despair.
+
+[Illustration: "Stole Away!"]
+
+"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled out
+manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the under-pay
+of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST folded his tent
+like the Arab, and as silently stole away. Example followed generally
+by Members in all parts of the House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying
+himself, composedly went on to end of speech, and then adjournment.
+SPEAKER "kept in" till Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal
+Commission. Rest off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.
+
+_Business done_.--Wound up for Easter Holidays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRITICISING THE CALENDAR.
+
+SIR,--The suggestion of your Correspondent "EASTER EGG," who
+wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming on April 20, is
+excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the other tide, depends on
+the moon. What a humiliating confession! Why should we any longer
+consent to be the slaves of the (so-called) Science of Astronomy?
+
+    Yours, REFORMING SPIRIT.
+
+SIR,--What's all this fuss about Easter being too early this year?
+It isn't half early enough. It ought to have come last Christmas,
+and Whitsuntide the same, and then we should have polished off three
+public holiday seasons--public nuisances, _I_ call them,--at once.
+
+    Yours, gloomily, TRUE PHILANTHROPIST.
+
+SIR,--I have just been horrified to hear that one of my boys now at
+home from school remains with us for a three weeks' vacation! The
+early date of Easter is the paltry excuse offered by his Headmaster
+for this infliction. Anybody can see through such a flimsy pretext.
+His brother is to have _his_ holiday four weeks later. The result is
+that the boys will see nothing of each other during their holidays,
+while their parents will see a great deal too much. How can brotherly
+affection--I say nothing of fatherly affection,--that priceless
+blessing, which I flatter myself I always conspicuously display--be
+expected to continue under these depressing conditions?
+
+    Yours, exasperatedly, FOND PARENT.
+
+SIR,--As peeple are riting lettres to you about the Easter holy-days,
+I should like you to put in what old BOREHAM--he's our Principul--has
+been doing. We all think it a thundring shame. He kept us grinding
+away right through Good Friday, Easter Monday, and means us to go
+on several weeks afterwards! The result was we had about half a Hot
+Cross-Bun each! Old BOREHAM akshally fixed Easter Monday for going
+over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese would you say something in
+your valyble collums about old BOREHAM, and oblige
+
+    Yours, obedjiently, SMITH (_Tertius_), _Rodchester_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
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+
+
+
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+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, April 4, 1891, by Various
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+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+    <title>Punch, April 4, 1891.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+April 4, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 4, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 26, 2004 [EBook #13297]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 100.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>April 4, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157"
+       id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless
+    Ibsenite.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>No. II.-NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVÖIT).</h3>
+
+    <h4>ACT I.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture.
+        Gimcracks in an étagère; a festoon of chenille monkeys
+        hanging from the gaselier. Japanese fans, skeletons,
+        cotton-wool spiders, frogs, and lizards, scattered
+        everywhere about. Drain-pipes with tall dyed grasses. A
+        porcelain stove decorated with transferable pictures.
+        Showily-bound books in book-case. Window. The Visitors'
+        bell rings in the hall outside. The hall-door is heard to
+        open, and then to shut. Presently</i> NORA <i>walks in with
+        parcels; a Porter carries a large Christmas-tree after
+        her&mdash;which he puts down</i>. NORA <i>gives him a
+        shilling&mdash;and he goes out grumbling</i>. NORA <i>hums
+        contentedly, and eats macaroons. Then</i> HELMER <i>puts
+        his head out of his Manager's room, and</i> NORA <i>hides
+        macaroons cautiously.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>playfully</i>). Is that my little squirrel
+    twittering&mdash;that my lark frisking in here?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. Ess! (<i>To herself.</i>) I have only been
+    married eight years, so these marital amenities have not yet
+    had time to pall!</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/157.png"
+             alt="'Boo!'" /></a>"Boo!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>threatening with his finger</i>). I hope
+    the little bird has surely not been digging its beak into any
+    macaroons, eh?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>bolting one, and wiping her mouth</i>). No,
+    most certainly not. (<i>To herself</i>.) The worst of being so
+    babyish is&mdash;one <i>does</i> have to tell such a lot of
+    taradiddles! (<i>To H.</i>) See what <i>I</i>'ve
+    bought&mdash;it's been <i>such</i> fun!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Hums.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>inspecting parcels</i>). H'm&mdash;rather
+    an <i>expensive</i> little lark!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Takes her playfully by the ear.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. Little birds like to have a flutter
+    occasionally. Which reminds me&mdash;(<i>Plays with his
+    coat-buttons.</i>) I'm such a simple ickle sing&mdash;but if
+    you <i>are</i> thinking of giving me a Christmas present, make
+    it cash.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. Just like your poor father, <i>he</i> always
+    asked me to make it cash&mdash;he never made any himself! It's
+    heredity, I suppose. Well&mdash;well!</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Goes back to his Bank</i>. NORA <i>goes on
+        humming.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Enter</i> Mrs. LINDEN, <i>doubtfully.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. What, CHRISTINA&mdash;why, how old you look!
+    But then you are poor. I'm not. TORVALD has just been made a
+    Bank Manager. (<i>Tidies the room.</i>) Isn't it really
+    wonderfully delicious to be well off? But, of course, you
+    wouldn't know. <i>We</i> were poor once, and, do you know, when
+    TORVALD was ill, I&mdash;(<i>tossing her head</i>)&mdash;though
+    I <i>am</i> such a frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I
+    actually borrowed £300 for him to go abroad. Wasn't <i>that</i>
+    clever? Tra-la-la! I shan't tell you <i>who</i> lent it. I
+    didn't even tell TORVALD. I am such a mere baby I don't tell
+    him everything. I tell Dr. RANK, though. Oh, I'm so awfully
+    happy I should like to shout, "Dash it all!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Linden</i> (<i>stroking her hair</i>). Do&mdash;it
+    is a natural and innocent outburst&mdash;you are such a child!
+    But I am a widow, and want employment. <i>Do</i> you think your
+    husband could find me a place as clerk in his Bank?
+    (<i>Proudly.</i>) I am an excellent knitter!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. That would really be awfully funny. (<i>To</i>
+    HELMER, <i>who enters.</i>) TORVALD, this is CHRISTINA; she
+    wants to be a clerk in your Bank&mdash;<i>do</i> let her! She
+    thinks such a lot of <i>you</i>. (<i>To herself.</i>) Another
+    taradiddle!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. She is a sensible woman, and deserves
+    encouragement. Come along, Mrs. LINDEN, and we'll see what we
+    can do for you.</p>
+
+    <p>[<i>He goes out through the hall with</i> Mrs. L., <i>and
+    the front-door is heard to slam after them.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>opens door, and calls</i>). Now, EMMY, IVAR,
+    and BOB, come in and have a romp with Mamma&mdash;we will play
+    hide-and-seek. (<i>She gets under the table, smiling in quiet
+    satisfaction</i>; KROGSTAD <i>enters</i>&mdash;NORA <i>pounces
+    out upon him</i>). Boo!... Oh, I <i>beg</i> your pardon. I
+    don't do this kind of thing <i>generally</i>&mdash;though I may
+    be a little silly!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Krogstad</i> (<i>politely</i>). Don't mention it. I
+    called because I happened to see your husband go out with MRS.
+    LINDEN&mdash;from which, being a person of considerable
+    penetration, I infer that he is about to give her my post at
+    the Bank. Now, as you owe me the balance of £300, for which I
+    hold your acknowledgment, you will see the propriety of putting
+    a stop to this little game at once.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. But I don't at all&mdash;not a little wee bit!
+    I'm so childish, you know&mdash;why <i>should</i> I?
+    [<i>Sitting upright on carpet.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Krogs.</i> I will try to make it plain to the meanest
+    capacity. When you came to me for the loan, I naturally
+    required some additional security. Your father, being a shady
+    Government official, without a penny&mdash;for, if he had
+    possessed one, he would, presumably, have left it to
+    you&mdash;without a penny, then, I, as a cautious man of
+    business, insisted upon having his signature as a surety. Oh,
+    we Norwegians are sharp fellows!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. Well, you <i>got</i> Papa's signature, didn't
+    you?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Krogs.</i> Oh, I <i>got</i> it right enough.
+    Unfortunately, it was dated three days after his
+    decease&mdash;now, how do you account for <i>that</i>?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. How? Why, as poor Papa was dead, and couldn't
+    sign, I signed <i>for</i> him, that's all! Only somehow I
+    forgot to put the date back. <i>That's</i> how. Didn't I
+    <i>tell</i> you I was a silly, unbusinesslike little thing?
+    It's very simple.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Krogs.</i> Very&mdash;but what you did amounts to
+    forgery, notwithstanding. I happen to know, because I'm a
+    lawyer, and have done a little in the forging way myself. So,
+    to come to the point&mdash;if <i>I</i> get kicked out, I shall
+    not go alone! [<i>He bows, and goes out.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. It <i>can't</i> be wrong! Why no one but
+    KROGSTAD would have been taken in by it! If the Law says it's
+    wrong, the Law's a goose&mdash;a bigger goose than poor little
+    me even! (<i>To</i> HELMER, <i>who enters</i>.) Oh, TORVALD,
+    how you made me jump!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. Has anybody called? (NORA <i>shakes her
+    head</i>.) Oh, my little squirrel mustn't tell naughty
+    whoppers! Why, I just met that fellow KROGSTAD in the hall.
+    He's been asking you to get me to take him back&mdash;now,
+    hasn't he?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>walking about</i>). Do just see how pretty
+    the Christmas-tree looks!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. Never mind the tree&mdash;I want to have this
+    out about KROGSTAD. I can't take him back, because many years
+    ago he forged a name. As a lawyer, a close observer of human
+    nature, and a Bank Manager, I have remarked that people who
+    forge names seldom or never confide the fact to their
+    children&mdash;which inevitably brings moral contagion into the
+    entire family. From which it follows, logically, that KROGSTAD
+    has been poisoning his children for years by acting a part, and
+    is morally lost. (<i>Stretches out his hands to her.</i>) I
+    can't bear a morally lost Bank-cashier about me!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i>. But you never thought of dismissing him till
+    CHRISTINA came!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Helmer</i>. H'm! I've got some business to attend
+    to&mdash;so good-bye, little lark! [<i>Goes into office and
+    shuts door.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>pale with terror</i>). If KROGSTAD poisons
+    his children because he once forged a name, I must be poisoning
+    EMMY, and BOB, and IVAR, because <i>I</i> forged Papa's
+    signature! (<i>Short pause; she raises her head proudly.</i>)
+    After all, if I <i>am</i> a doll, I can still draw a logical
+    induction! I mustn't play with the children any
+    more&mdash;(<i>hotly</i>)&mdash;I don't care&mdash;I
+    <i>shall</i>, though! Who cares for KROGSTAD?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as
+        Curtain falls.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>N.B.&mdash;The tremendous psychological problem of whether
+    NORA is as much of a doll, a squirrel, and a lark, as she
+    seems, and if so, whether it is her own fault, or HELMER's or
+    Society's, will be solved in subsequent numbers.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.&mdash;At last by the authority of
+    the L.C.C. his Grace of BEDFORD has been notified that within
+    three months from now "Locks, bolts, and bars must fly asunder"
+    in the parish of St. Pancras, where henceforth existence of all
+    such obstruction is to cease. We hope that the gate-keepers,
+    whose occupation is gone, have been amply provided for, as they
+    will now have no gates, but only themselves to keep. <i>Mr.
+    Punch</i> has persistently advocated the reform. And now,
+    Gentlemen, how about Mud Salad Market, which, like Scotland in
+    <i>Macbeth's</i> time, "stands where it did"?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158"
+       id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/158.png"
+             alt="FASCINATION!" /></a>
+
+        <h3>FASCINATION!</h3>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <p>"APOLLONIUS, by some probable conjectures, found her
+            out to be a serpent, a Lamia; and that all her
+            furniture was, like Tantalus's gold described by HOMER,
+            no substance, but mere illusion."&mdash;<i>Burton's
+            Anatomy of Melancholy.</i>]</p>
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <div class="poem">
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>A LAMIA, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most
+                unequivocal, betray the Snake;</p>
+
+                <p>As fell ophidian as in fierce meridian of Afric
+                ever lurked in swamp or brake;</p>
+
+                <p>And yet Corinthian LYCIUS never doted on the
+                white-throated charmer of his soul</p>
+
+                <p>With blinder passion than our fools of
+                Fashion</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">Feel for this gruesome ghoul.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Poor LYCIUS had excuse. Who might refuse worship
+                to Lamia, "now a lady bright"?</p>
+
+                <p>But foul-fanged here, fierce-eyed, a shape of
+                fear, the serpent stands,</p>
+
+                <p>revealed to general sight,</p>
+
+                <p>A loathly thing, close knotted ring on ring, of
+                guise unlovely, and infectious breath;</p>
+
+                <p>And yet strong witchery draws to those wide
+                jaws</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">Whose touch is shameful
+                death.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page159"
+                   id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>See how the flattering things on painted wings,
+                foolish as gnat-swarms near the shrivelling
+                blaze,</p>
+
+                <p>Flock nearer, nearer! Forms, too, quainter,
+                queerer, frog-dupes of folly, rabbit-thralls of
+                craze,</p>
+
+                <p>Butterfly triflers, gay-plumed would-be riflers
+                of golden chalices, of poisoned flowers,</p>
+
+                <p>Flitter and flutter in delirium utter,</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">As drawn by wizard powers.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Oh, "Painted Lady," Summer coverts shady, the
+                greenwood home, the sweep of sunny fields,</p>
+
+                <p>A butterfly befit; but where's the wit that
+                mire-befouled to the swamp-demon yields?</p>
+
+                <p>Oh, birds of Iris-glitter, black and bitter will
+                be the wakening when those gaudy plumes</p>
+
+                <p>Fall crushed and leaden, as your senses
+                deaden</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">In poisonous Python fumes!</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Ye <i>gobemouche</i> creatures of batrachian
+                features, who "go a-wooing" such a fate as
+                this,</p>
+
+                <p>Have ye no vision of that doom's decision? Have
+                ye no ear for rattle or for hiss?</p>
+
+                <p>Salammbô's craving, morbid and enslaving, was
+                sanity compared with your mad love,</p>
+
+                <p>As well the swallow the fierce shrike might
+                follow,</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">Or hawk be chased by dove!</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>Tantalus' gold is all such Lamias hold; 'tis
+                Devil's dice such Mammon vassals throw;</p>
+
+                <p>A sordid fever fires each fool-believer in the
+                gross glitter, the unholy glow.</p>
+
+                <p>Vile is your Dagon! Circe's venomed flagon
+                embruted less than doth the Lamia's wine,</p>
+
+                <p>Than Comus' cup more perilous to sup&mdash;</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">As snakes are worse than swine.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>The poet's snake enchanted, who so flaunted her
+                borrowed robes amidst the daffodils,</p>
+
+                <p>Hath piteous touches. She, from Fate's clutches,
+                free some brief space, "escaped from so sore
+                ills,"</p>
+
+                <p>Moves our compassion. But this modern fashion of
+                Snake Enchanter looks unlovely all.</p>
+
+                <p>Greed's inspiration its sole fascination.</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">Low selfishness its thrall.</p>
+            </div>
+
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>"A Serpent!" So the Sophist murmured low, and
+                "LYCIUS' arms were empty of delight,"</p>
+
+                <p>LAMIA had fled! Would that some sage cool head,
+                some modern APOLLONIUS, with the might</p>
+
+                <p>Of sense magnanimous, would banish thus the
+                bestial Lamia of our later day,</p>
+
+                <p>Whose fascination draws a noble nation</p>
+
+                <p class="i10">To sordid slow decay!</p>
+            </div>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>DANTE NOT "IN IT"!&mdash;The Italian language is to be
+    excluded from the Indian Civil Service Examination. "The story
+    is extant, and written in very choice Italian," said
+    <i>Hamlet</i>, and SHAKSPEARE knew that the reference would be
+    intelligible to his audience. But <i>Hamlet</i> "up to date" in
+    this "so-called nineteenth century" would be compelled to give
+    the speech thus, "The original story, I believe, is written in
+    the Italian language, with which none of us here are
+    acquainted." But, after all, the candidates may be inclined to
+    adapt the Gilbert-Sullivan words and music to the occasion, and
+    sing&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"So, in spite of all temptation,</p>
+
+            <p>At the next examination</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They'll bar I-tal-i-an!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Though, years hence, it may happen that they'll be sorry
+    they weren't compelled to get up Italian as one of the
+    subjects.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOUR OF EASE!"&mdash;which line would make
+    a suitable motto for our very useful, chatty, and interesting
+    weekly contemporary entitled <i>Woman. À propos</i> of
+    "headings," the only one in the above-mentioned publication to
+    which objection can possibly be taken "on the face of it" is
+    "Wrinkles." Wouldn't "Whispers" be better? It is quite enough
+    for <i>Woman</i> to appear with lines, but it's too bad that
+    wrinkles should be added while she is yet so young.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."&mdash;Once again occurs an
+    illustration of the applicability of Dickensian characters to
+    modern instances. In last Thursday's <i>Times</i>, by special
+    Razzle-Dalziel wire, we read of the return of another great
+    Arctic explorer, Mr. WASHBURTON PIKE, after having braved
+    dangers demanding the most dauntless courage. Here, then, are
+    two single gentlemen rolled into one: it is <i>Pike</i> and
+    <i>Pluck</i> combined.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/159.png"
+             alt="BEATUS POSSIDENS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>BEATUS POSSIDENS.</h3>
+
+        <p>"I'VE COME ABOUT A JOB. I HEARD THERE WAS A BOY
+        WANTED."</p>
+
+        <p>"OH, YOU 'EARD AS THERE WAS A BOY WANTED, DID YER? THEN
+        YOU'RE JUST TOO LATE, 'COS MASTER'S SOOTED!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION.</h2>
+
+    <p>1. The earliest specimen of the Birch. (<i>Suggested by a
+    Merry Swish Boy.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>2. Salt-cellar used for holding the Salt at Montem time.</p>
+
+    <p>3. Specimen of Haberdashery, from an Eton "Sock" shop.</p>
+
+    <p>4. Model of the most powerful "Long-glass" from "Tap."</p>
+
+    <p>5. Chips from the Earliest Block, with authentic history of
+    Etonian Original Transgression, or "First Fault."</p>
+
+    <p>6. Documents tracing the connection between "Pop" and the
+    Pawnbroking business.</p>
+
+    <p>7. Specimen of Lower Boy's Hat, with motto, "<i>Sub Tegmine
+    Fag-I!</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>8. Portraits of Eminent "Sitters" on Fourth of June and
+    Election Saturday in the early part of present century.</p>
+
+    <p>9. Scull of a "Wet-Bob" originally feathered.</p>
+
+    <p>10. A copy (perfect and signed) of another boy's verses.
+    (N.B. Not very scarce.)</p>
+
+    <p>11. Portraits of eminent Landlords who, acting on SHERIDAN's
+    advice, have "kept up the Xtopher."</p>
+
+    <p>12. Also, portrait, with life and times of the crabbed old
+    Thames Waterman, known on the river as "Surly HALL."</p>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Any future suggestions that maybe sent to us will be
+        entirely at the service of the Duke of FIFE and others,
+        interested in promoting this most interesting
+        exhibition.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A PUBLISHER AND HIS FRIENDS.&mdash;In order to worthily
+    celebrate the hearty reception, by the critics and the public
+    generally, of this most interesting and successful work, the
+    present representatives of the great publishing firm of MURRAY
+    will give a grand banquet, and, with SMILES, will sing in
+    chorus the once popular refrain, "We are a Murray family, we
+    are, we are, we are!" <i>Prosit!</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>TO THOSE IT MAY CONCERN.&mdash;In reply to several
+    Correspondents, <i>Mr. Punch</i> begs to suggest that ANTHONY
+    TROLLOPE would certainly have observed, "<i>I say Yes!</i>" had
+    he been told that WILKIE COLLINS had written "<i>I Say
+    No!</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160"
+       id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Story of the Parliamentary Bar.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>"You will not forget, Sir," said my excellent and admirable
+    clerk, "that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of
+    the House of Commons, in the matter of the Glogsweller Railway
+    Extension?"</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:18%;">
+        <a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/160.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I glanced somewhat severely at PORTINGTON, but was gratified
+    to find that his face was quite free from any suggestion of
+    levity. I was the more pleased with the result of my
+    investigation, as, truth to tell, the delivery of a brief in
+    the matter of the Extension of the Glogsweller Railway Company
+    had been somewhat of an event in my life. I had never before
+    had the honour of practising at the Parliamentary Bar. So for
+    months my mind had been entirely occupied with the date fixed
+    for my appearance in the Committee Room of the House of
+    Commons, known technically, I believe, at St. Stephens, as
+    "upstairs."</p>
+
+    <p>"You will be sure to meet me there, to-morrow, PORTINGTON?"
+    I observed.</p>
+
+    <p>"Certainly, Sir," replied my clerk. "But, as I have to be
+    down at the Mayor's Court with Mr. CHARLES O'MULLIGAN in the
+    morning, I daresay you won't mind if I come with your
+    sandwiches and sherry, Sir, at two, or thereabouts."</p>
+
+    <p>I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. O'MULLIGAN shares with
+    me the good offices of PORTINGTON, but generally contrives to
+    secure the lion's portion of his services. I had
+    arranged&mdash;understanding that no adjournment was made for
+    luncheon&mdash;that some refreshment should be conveyed to me
+    during the day's proceedings, so that my voice should lose none
+    of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced weakness)
+    when the time arrived for my advocacy of the cause of my
+    clients. Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral
+    interest in the day's proceedings. The great North-East
+    Diddlesex Railway were promoting a Bill to carry a new line
+    into the neighbourhood of the Glogsweller Extension, and my
+    duty was confined to cross-examining one of the expert
+    witnesses that I knew would be asked to support the G.N.E.D.R.
+    To be candid, we had a goods depôt near their suggested
+    terminus, and were fearful that their proposed proximity would
+    damage our mineral traffic. The matter was simple enough, but I
+    had taken months in carefully studying a small library of
+    charts, Encyclopædias, and Parliamentary Blue Books, in
+    mastering it.</p>
+
+    <p>On the morning following my conversation with PORTINGTON,
+    duly robed (I had put on my wig and gown in Chambers), I
+    travelled by hansom to Westminster, and presented myself at the
+    side entrance to St. Stephen's Hall. I had no difficulty in
+    finding the Committee Room devoted to the consideration of the
+    alleged necessities of the Great North-East Diddlesex Railway.
+    It was a large and pleasant apartment, with a distant view
+    through the windows of St. Thomas's Hospital. At a horse-shoe
+    table sat the Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who might
+    have filled equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved
+    in the Royal Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I
+    took my place amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were
+    perfect strangers to me. The table in front of us was littered
+    with plans, charts, and documents of all descriptions. A Q.C.
+    brought with him a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard,
+    and there were other refreshments mingled with the exhibits
+    before us. On chairs at the side were Solicitors; at our back,
+    separated from us by a bar, were the Public. On the walls were
+    hanging huge charts, giving in pantomimic proportions the
+    proposed progress of the projected line. In the corners of
+    these charts were explanations why such a part was coloured
+    green, or red, or blue. During the day's proceedings an
+    attendant was told off to trace the course of a counsel's
+    harangue by pointing out, with a lecturer's wand, the various
+    places referred to in his speech.</p>
+
+    <p>I was gratified to find that the expert whose evidence it
+    was my duty to test by cross-examination, was soon in the
+    witness-box. He was a gentleman of considerable bulk, which
+    gave one of my learned friends, who was the first to take him
+    in hand, the opportunity of saying, that he was a "witness of
+    great weight," a remark which caused much laughter&mdash;even
+    the Chairman of the Committee, a somewhat austere person,
+    indulging in a stealthy smile at the ingenious sally. Such
+    waggish flashes as this, I need scarcely say, were most
+    welcome, and afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief to the
+    necessary dryness that characterised, perforce, the
+    proceedings. As the hands of the clock progressed, waiters
+    carried into the Committee, various light refreshments, such as
+    brandy-and-sodawater, sandwiches, and buns. My colleagues, too,
+    when not actively engaged in the declamatory duties of their
+    profession, partook of the viands with which they had provided
+    themselves before the commencement of the day's labours. Thus
+    the cups devoted to custard soon were empty, and the paper
+    bags, once occupied by buns, crumpled up and discarded. I gazed
+    at the clock. It was past two, and I was getting terribly
+    hungry. I felt that my voice was becoming weak from famine.
+    This would never do, and might endanger my clients' interests.
+    I looked round eagerly for PORTINGTON. He was nowhere to be
+    seen. I whispered to a colleague, "would the
+    examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told it could
+    not possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I made
+    up my mind to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the
+    corridor before I had entered the room, and hurriedly left my
+    seat. I pushed my way through the public, and had scarcely got
+    outside when I found my faithful clerk laden with sandwiches
+    and sherry making post-haste towards me.</p>
+
+    <p>"Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust
+    the invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands;
+    "run, Sir, run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence!"</p>
+
+    <p>Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my
+    subordinate I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that
+    the examination-in-chief was nearly ended. I pulled myself
+    together. I drank a glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My
+    voice was in excellent tone, and I felt that the crisis of my
+    life had indeed been reached. I knew that it was now or never.
+    I had this great chance of distinguishing myself by pleasing my
+    clients and securing a practice at the Parliamentary Bar, which
+    might mean hundreds, nay, thousands a-year. I imagined my
+    children at Eton, my wife in a carriage and pair, my address in
+    Grosvenor Place. All I had to do to secure these
+    tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients by my
+    careful attention to their interests. The moment at length
+    arrived. I rose to cross-examine.</p>
+
+    <p>"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the
+    situation, and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which
+    was striking terror into the heart of the witness before me,
+    <i>I</i> am going to put a few questions to you!"</p>
+
+    <p>"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly&mdash;"you will
+    do nothing of the sort. You were not present during the
+    <i>whole</i> of the witness's examination-in-chief, and so we
+    decline to hear you!"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and
+    sherry had ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished
+    together (in the carriage and pair) for ever!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Pump-Handle Court</i>. (<i>Signed</i>) A. BRIEFLESS,
+    JUNIOR.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;</h2>
+
+    <h3>OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.</h3>
+
+    <h4>No. I.&mdash;AT THE ESTATE AGENT'S.</h4>
+
+    <p>Have you some nice houses to let furnished?&mdash;Here is
+    our Catalogue, Sir.&mdash;I perceive that most of these are
+    Queen Anne houses; "sanitation perfect;" where is the
+    satisfactory explanation of the fine advertisement?&mdash;It is
+    in Spain with the other castles (idiom).&mdash;What is "Queen
+    Anne"?&mdash;Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but Queen
+    Anne is (the) last.&mdash;Is then sanitation also
+    something?&mdash;It is the little game of the big builder; it
+    is all your (my, his, her,) eyes.&mdash;Can we have some nice
+    furniture?&mdash;You can have (the furniture of) Chippendale,
+    Sheraton, McAdam, or Louis-Quinze.&mdash;It is too
+    dear.&mdash;No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the
+    clever carpenter.&mdash;I was done by you or by your brother; I
+    require a room for my mother-in-law (neuter).&mdash;The good
+    mother-in-law sleeps in the chamber of boxes (box-room), but
+    the evil mother-in-law prefers the best bed-room.&mdash;How
+    many persons are you?&mdash;We are sixteen.&mdash;You are,
+    indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.&mdash;Is not
+    the noble drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?&mdash;On
+    the contrary, it is very lofty. There is room near the
+    chandelier.&mdash;Where is the "moderate-sized
+    garden"?&mdash;It is on the leads with the broken flower-pots,
+    the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine or
+    feminine).&mdash;Is it then much larger than a
+    postage-stamp?&mdash;Decidedly not, Sir. It is also nearly as
+    sticky. Much rain produces weeds.&mdash;Where are "the
+    bath-rooms"? I only perceived a watering-pot.&mdash;Any rooms
+    in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.&mdash;What is then the
+    price?&mdash;The exorbitant client of the first-class agent
+    demands four hundred guineas for the season.&mdash;It is too
+    much.&mdash;He would take less in some minutes; but my
+    commission will rest the same.&mdash;Here are "Commanding
+    mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and "Desirable
+    residences."&mdash;It is not difficult; the mansion that has a
+    back-staircase is commanding, the "Bijou" is for the
+    newly-married, or the actress, but the "Desirable residence" is
+    what you desire.&mdash;What is then the "square hall"?&mdash;It
+    is neither round nor oblong; therefore it is square. It is
+    likewise in a square.&mdash;Is it geometrically the same as the
+    Bridge of Asses?&mdash;I do not know. Sir.&mdash;Where is the
+    capital accommodation for the poor servants?&mdash;It resembles
+    the dark kennel of the sad dog.&mdash;What are dilapidations
+    and electric light?&mdash;The first, Sir, is what you break;
+    the second is what breaks <i>you</i>.&mdash;If I were to let my
+    own house, and then to myself take it,
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161"
+       id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> would it be on the same
+       terms?&mdash;No, the buyer is usually sold, but the seller
+       loves the first of April.&mdash;If another agent were to let
+       my house, would you, likewise, expect commission?&mdash;Why
+       not? I am the best friend of the little lawyer with the long
+       nose.&mdash;I was inquiring of you about flats.&mdash;It
+       were better that you should be <i>sharp</i>, Sir.&mdash;I
+       was not born yesterday (proverb.)&mdash;Right (adjective)
+       you are, Sir; we will write (verb) to you till you take or
+       let something, not alone I, but also some others; if you
+       refuse me something, I will be very discontented.&mdash;Have
+       you ever let well alone? (idiom).&mdash;We have let many
+       things alone (bare), but you must, notwithstanding, pay for
+       the fixtures.&mdash;I think I will be going.&mdash;Here are
+       pens, paper, and a form of an attorney.&mdash;No, I thank
+       you.&mdash;We shall not charge for this interview, but one
+       must live.&mdash;I do not see the necessity (<i>v</i>.
+       Anecdotes in Appendix).&mdash;The Necessity is the mother of
+       the inventory.&mdash;Who is the Caretaker?&mdash;She is the
+       great-grandmother of the superannuated laundress. She
+       becomes sleepy during the Winter. Shall we send her to your
+       house?&mdash;Not if I know it (expletive). Receive the
+       assurance (insurance) of my highest consideration. By the
+       bye (interjection), which is the topmost storey?&mdash;The
+       topmost story is the last thing you have heard me mention. I
+       salute you, Sir.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TAKEN UPON TRUST.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A Fair-and-Unfairy Story, Founded upon a Magic
+    Act.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:17%;">
+        <a href="images/161-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Once upon a time there existed two fatherless and motherless
+    orphans, who were just old enough to work for their living.
+    Unfortunately they did not know how to dig, were too proud to
+    beg, and had conscientious scruples that prevented them from
+    stealing. Besides, one of the two was a girl; and there were
+    not many openings for her. And matters would have gone very
+    hard with them, indeed, had not a distant, but benevolent
+    relative, kindly died and left them as a legacy a sum of money,
+    of which they were to have the interest until they attained
+    their majority, when it was to be divided equally between them.
+    They were overjoyed, and rushed to the executor, who happened
+    to be a lawyer.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," said the man of costs, "I am indeed charged with the
+    execution of the trust, and for your own sakes I hope you will
+    not give me much trouble, as I shall, under the conditions of
+    the will, have to make you pay for it."</p>
+
+    <p>And after he had entered their visit (which he called an
+    attendance) in his diary, to be subsequently copied into a
+    ledger, he bowed them out.</p>
+
+    <p>So the two orphans disappeared a little crestfallen; and
+    they soon discovered that their legacy had the faculty of
+    diminishing. The lawyer immediately transferred the money,
+    which was invested in what he called "second-rate securities,"
+    into Consols, and this cost something, and considerably
+    diminished their income. When the two orphans remonstrated, the
+    lawyer said, that as he made scarcely more than out-of-pocket
+    expenses in the matter, he did not feel justified in incurring
+    the slightest risk.</p>
+
+    <p>"I am only a simple girl," murmured one of the orphans, with
+    a nervous blush; "but does not a recent statute give trustees
+    power to invest the funds of their <i>cestui que</i> trusts in
+    securities yielding a larger return than 2¾ Goschens?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Do not bandy words with me, Miss," replied the lawyer,
+    angrily; "I shall act as I please, and if you or I ask for the
+    estate to be administered, it will cost you a pretty
+    penny."</p>
+
+    <p>"Which no doubt will find its way into your pocket,"
+    returned the maiden, simply. "But surely a 4½ mortgage on real
+    property can be obtained without risk, if you do not act
+    contrary to the provisions of the Trustee Relief Act?"</p>
+
+    <p>But the lawyer was very angry, and threatened her that if
+    she made any further complaint he would appeal to the Chancery
+    Division of the High Court of Justice, which would mean,
+    probably, the absorption of the entire estate in a gigantic
+    bill of costs.</p>
+
+    <p>So, with a sigh, the maiden and her brother retired. That
+    night, as she was sitting over the fire, before retiring to
+    rest, she had a dream, when a nice-looking old gentleman
+    appeared before her, and asked her "why she was so sad?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Because we have a lawyer for our trustee, who is most
+    unobliging, and expensive. I am afraid, kind Sir, <i>you</i>
+    cannot help us."</p>
+
+    <p>"Do not say so until you have perused this scroll," he
+    replied, with a benevolent smile, and he gave her a paper.
+    "To-morrow, if your trustee again threatens you, and offers to
+    retire, take him at his word. If I replace him, I will do all
+    you wish&mdash;enter into mortgages, invest your capital to the
+    best possible advantage, and make myself generally
+    amiable."</p>
+
+    <p>"But how shall we pay you for so much kindness?" asked the
+    now overjoyed maiden.</p>
+
+    <p>"By a tariff fixed by the Government. It will be my duty to
+    do my best for you, and I shall have no personal interest in
+    running up costs like the common (or garden) kind of family
+    Solicitor."</p>
+
+    <p>So the next day, when the lawyer began to threaten to
+    resign, the orphans took him at his word, and all that the
+    nice-looking old gentleman had foretold came to pass. And when
+    the orphans were getting the best possible interest for their
+    money, at a trifling expense, the maiden looked at the scroll
+    which had been given to her, and found it was inscribed, "The
+    Public Trustee Act."</p>
+
+    <p>And, so far as the lawyer, who had been discarded, knew (or
+    cared), the maiden and her brother lived happily ever
+    afterwards.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p>More about DICKENS. By the loving hand of PERCY FITZGERALD
+    the Bookmaker,&mdash;not sporting, but literary. Of making
+    books, with PERCY FITZ there is no end. He is the king of the
+    Bookmakers, <i>Per se Fitz</i>. This time it is the <i>History
+    of the Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club</i>, published by
+    CHAPMAN AND HALL, and "inscribed"&mdash;why not
+    "dedicated?"&mdash;to HENRY FIELDING DICKENS, son of "The Only
+    One," the Master. <i>Interesting?</i> Of course it is, anything
+    about DICKENS, specially in connection with the immortal
+    <i>Pickwick</i>, must be interesting, and for chatty, gossiping
+    bookmaking we only say, "Give us Fitz." He is to the manor
+    born. He is neither romancer nor poet: "<i>poeta nascitur
+    non</i> 'Fitz.'" Occasionally FITZ is aggravatingly reticent.
+    For instance, at page 16 we read, "<i>Two or three years
+    ago</i>"&mdash;which? two or three?&mdash;"<i>a curious and
+    amusing coincidence brought the author's son, a barrister in
+    good practice</i>"&mdash;Which son? His name? There were more
+    sons than one: were they all barristers? And was this one the
+    only one in good practice?&mdash;"<i>into connection with his
+    father's famous book. It occurred at a trial on the
+    Circuit.</i>" Which Circuit? Which is "<i>the</i> Circuit"? The
+    Baron, who is now the Last of the Barons but one, only asks
+    because the phrase "on Circuit" would not have required his
+    query; but "on the Circuit" is another pair of shoes. "<i>A
+    trial</i>." What trial? When? At p. 17, "<i>The Judge entered
+    into the humour of the thing</i>"&mdash;what Judge? The Baron
+    is of opinion that in the well-known advertisement about the
+    Waverley Pen, quoted in a note at p. 25, the correct order
+    should be, "<i>The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley
+    Pen</i>"&mdash;not Pickwick last. Did CHARLES DICKENS ever
+    write to FORSTER that he was "<i>getting on like a house o'
+    fire"?</i> Surely this should be a "house a-fire," or "a house
+    on fire"; for a "house o' fire" means a "house of fire," which
+    is not what the expression is intended to convey. At p. 51, in
+    a note, FITZ says, "'<i>Phiz, Whizz,' or something of that
+    kind, was</i> T. HOOD's <i>joke</i>." Was it? If so, where does
+    the joke come in?</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:17%;">
+        <a href="images/161-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/161-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>My friend, the late GEORGE ROSE, better known as "ARTHUR
+    SKETCHLEY," used to say that DICKENS took <i>Sam Weller</i>
+    from (as I understood him) a character in one of O'KEEFE's
+    comedies. This statement was given on the authority of Mr.
+    BAYLE BERNARD. But I am bound to say I can find nothing like
+    <i>Sam</i> in O'KEEFE's; but I have found DICKENS there bodily.
+    It is in Sc. 1, Act I. of <i>Life's Vagaries; or, The Neglected
+    Son.</i> "'Oh!' exclaims FANNY, 'if my papa was to see
+    me&mdash;oh!' (<i>Seeing</i> DICKENS, <i>runs; he stops
+    her.</i>)" And, oddly enough, in this edition of 1798,
+    frequently as the above-mentioned character appears, it is "on
+    this occasion only" that the name is spelt with an "E."</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. FITZGERALD, at p. 136 of this book, says, that an actor
+    named SAM VALE, appearing as <i>Simon Splatterdash</i>, in a
+    piece called <i>The Boarding-House</i>, was in the habit of
+    "interlarding his conversation with metaphorical
+    illustrations"&mdash;and then follow the examples. <i>The
+    Boarding-House</i>, however, is not by O'KEEFE, but, as appears
+    from a note in <i>Sketches by Boz</i>, was being performed when
+    DICKENS's short tale of <i>The Boarding-House</i> appeared. For
+    my part, I long ago came to the conclusion that <i>Sam
+    Weller</i> was absolutely an original creation, as far, that
+    is, as anything outside the immaterial realms of fancy and
+    fairyland can be an original creation. Our FITZ gives
+    CALVERLEY's Examination Paper, and also an Oxford imitation of
+    it, which, however, is not by any means up to the
+    CALVERLEY-BLADES mark. There is also a preface to
+    <i>Pickwick</i>, specially interesting, as not being found in
+    later editions. Then our Fitz informs us how many dramatic
+    versions of <i>Pickwick</i> there have been, some with and some
+    without music, bringing the list down to the latest "Dramatic
+    Cantata" (it oughtn't to have been so described, as there was
+    dialogue in it), the music of which will always hold a first
+    place among the compositions of the Musical Baron's friend
+    claiming to be the gifted descendant of the Wise and Musical
+    King SOLOMON.</p>
+
+    <p>Altogether a vote of thanks should be presented to Mr. PERCY
+    FITZGERALD for his entertaining, instructive, and most readable
+    book on the immortal <i>Pickwick</i>, says</p>
+
+    <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162"
+       id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/162.png"
+             alt="TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Husband</i> (<i>off to Paris</i>). "DON'T CRY,
+        DARLING. IT'S <i>TOO</i> SAD TO LEAVE YOU, I <i>KNOW</i>!
+        BUT YOU CAN TALK TO ME THERE JUST AS IF WE WERE
+        TOGETHER&mdash;ONLY BE CAREFUL, AS IT'S EXPENSIVE!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Wife</i>. "IS IT, DARLING? HA-HA-HADN'T YOU BETTER
+        LEAVE ME A FEW BLANK CHEQUES?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TALKING BY TIME.</h2>
+
+    <p>The growing pressure of the business having already obliged
+    the Belgium Postal Authorities to cut down the time allowed for
+    a telephonic communication between Paris and Brussels, from
+    five minutes to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of
+    public patronage that may be expected when the wire is opened
+    between London and the French Capital, will soon necessitate
+    the substitution, in place of the promised ten minutes, of an
+    allowance to each speaker of a minute, or at most a minute and
+    a half for his interview, which it may confidently be expected
+    will not unfrequently take the following shape:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Inexorable Official</i>. Now, Sir; your turn next.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Shuts intending</i> London Talker <i>in, and
+        switches him "on."</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. Dear me! How quick they are, one
+    hardly knows what one is about. I wonder how loud, now, one
+    ought to speak. Better shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first.
+    (<i>At the top of his voice through the tube.</i>) Hullo! Hi! I
+    say. Are you there?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i> (<i>replying</i>). Oh! don't bawl like
+    that. Of course I'm here, I've been waiting quite half a
+    minute; thought you were never going to begin. But I suppose it
+    is JONES I am speaking to?</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh yes, I'm JONES. It's all right. But
+    can't you recognise my voice?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Not when you bawl fit to break the
+    drum of one's ear. But come, now, get on quick with what you
+    want to say.</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. All right&mdash;I'll get on. But now
+    tell me, do I pitch my voice about right now? Can you catch
+    distinctly all I say?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Oh yes! Bother! But do get on.
+    Timesgoifast.</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. What? I didn't catch that last word.
+    Time's what?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i> (<i>very distinctly, with
+    emphasis</i>). I
+    said&mdash;that&mdash;time&mdash;was&mdash;going fast. Can you
+    hear that?</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh yes, I can hear that, and most
+    distinctly. Really, it is a most wonderful invention.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Oh, bother the invention! Do come to
+    business! What did you want me for?</p>
+
+    <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh. of course. Well, it was just this.
+    I thought&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Inexorable Official</i>. Time's up, Sir. Trouble you to
+    make room for this Lady.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Switches him "off," and turns him out.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"</h2>
+
+    <p>Mr. JOHN BULL <i>loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Love me, love my Dog!" Well, <i>I</i> don't want to
+            flog</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The fine but excitable fellow.</p>
+
+            <p>With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To bounce round a bit, and to bellow.</p>
+
+            <p>I'd do my square best with the greatest good
+            will,</p>
+
+            <p>If only he'd&mdash;just for a moment&mdash;stand
+            still.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On one's caudal appendage? Ah, just
+            so!</p>
+
+            <p>I know 'tis a task that seems <i>too</i> much to
+            ask.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'm reasonable,&mdash;or I trust so.</p>
+
+            <p>But there <i>is</i> the Lobster, it's holding on
+            fast.</p>
+
+            <p>And&mdash;hang it! this state of affairs cannot
+            last!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How came it about? That's a matter of doubt,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which there isn't much use in
+            discussing,</p>
+
+            <p>To part them's my aim; I would manage that same</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Without either fighting or fussing.</p>
+
+            <p>Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it
+            nice</p>
+
+            <p>To live very long with its tail in a vice!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Dog to my call won't attend. I</p>
+
+            <p>Conceive, if he would, it might be for his good,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'd hit on some <i>modus vivendi</i>.</p>
+
+            <p>But if Dog <i>won't</i> stand still, and if Lobster
+            <i>won't</i> loose,</p>
+
+            <p>My heartiest help cannot be of much use.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>One ANDROCLES bold eased a lion of old</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of a thorn in his foot&mdash;a great
+            worry!</p>
+
+            <p>But ANDROCLES, sure, would have failed of a cure</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If poor Leo had kept on the scurry,</p>
+
+            <p>As you, my dear Dog, do at present. <i>Verb.
+            sap.!</i></p>
+
+            <p>Do just let me <i>get at</i> the Lobster, old
+            chap!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle and
+            wail,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And romp all around, the best master,</p>
+
+            <p>And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't
+            part.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Don't</i> think I deride your
+            disaster!</p>
+
+            <p>The pinch of it might make an elephant prance;</p>
+
+            <p>No, all that I ask is&mdash;<i>just give me a
+            chance!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163"
+       id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/163.png"
+             alt="'THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"</h3>JOHN BULL. "IF I COULD
+        ONLY GET HIM TO STAND STILL, I COULD SOON SETTLE THE
+        LOBSTER!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page165"
+       id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span>
+
+    <h2>A TEN MINUTES' IDYL.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Life is a farce, a dreary round,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A fraud&mdash;of that there's not a
+            doubt,</p>
+
+            <p>Although I've only lately found</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">It out.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Bad boldly masquerades as good,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fruit turns to ashes in the taking,</p>
+
+            <p>Unpleasant very is the rude</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Awaking.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Tis Spring, when something, so one learns,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Seems to affect the burnished dove,</p>
+
+            <p>And when a young man's fancy turns</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">To love.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With window open to the breeze,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The tramp of passers-by unheeding,</p>
+
+            <p>I sit reclining at mine ease,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">A-reading.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I've read enough&mdash;and not amiss</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I rather fancy now would be</p>
+
+            <p>A little rest&mdash;ah! what is this</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">I see?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A sight that's almost past belief,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And makes me think I must be raving,</p>
+
+            <p>For there a girl a handkerchief</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Is waving!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Like to a light that in the black</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And inky night shines o'er the main,</p>
+
+            <p>It disappears, and then comes back</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Again.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I know the house quite well&mdash;I've heard</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her father's something in the City,</p>
+
+            <p>And she's a blue-eyed girl absurd-</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">-ly pretty.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>By Jove! she does it with a whirr,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's clear this inexpressive she</p>
+
+            <p>Is given to the <i>fortiter</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>In re</i>.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Of course it's forward&mdash;and indeed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It's worse&mdash;it's shockingly
+            imprudent</p>
+
+            <p>Thus to encourage me, a need-</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">-y student.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Her form is shadowy&mdash;I must</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Get out my glasses, so to bring</p>
+
+            <p>Her nearer. Yes&mdash;the range is just</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">The thing!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <hr class="short" />
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Life is a farce, without a doubt!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The cause of all this fuss and
+            fluster</p>
+
+            <p>Is just a housemaid shaking out</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Her duster!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>IN THEIR EASTER EGGS.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Lord Salisbury</i>.&mdash;Allegorical Cartoon
+    representing BRITANNIA astonished at the success of her recent
+    Foreign Policy.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Gladstone</i>.&mdash;Pocket Edition of Cyclopædia of
+    Universal Information, copiously illustrated, for the use of
+    veteran Statesmen.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Emperor of Germany</i>.&mdash;Prize Homily on the Art
+    of Governing, with special reference to the science as applied
+    to the subordination of "temper."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Parnell</i>.&mdash;Sculptured Group representing the
+    Reptile of Egotism turning the tables on St. Patrick, and
+    endeavouring to drive him out of Ireland.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President of the United States</i>.&mdash;An Italian
+    Iron&mdash;over-heated.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Ex-King Milan of Servia</i>.&mdash;A Monthly Cheque for
+    amusement and travelling expenses, but not including a return
+    ticket to Belgrade.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Post-Master-General</i>.&mdash;One hundred Receipts
+    for getting into hot water.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris</i>.&mdash;Draft Proposal for
+    buying up and working the British Government with duly audited
+    Schedule, showing how the "takings" could be more than doubled
+    by spirited management.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Jackson of Clitheroe</i>.&mdash;Prize Farce entitled,
+    "Lynch Law and Conjugal Rights."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN&mdash;</h2>
+
+    <h2>TO DINNER.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Dinner-Belle.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <h3>No. III.&mdash;THE GREAT UNKNOWN.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/165.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>He</i> was a dapper, dumpy thing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With nought decisive on him graven</p>
+
+            <p>But smiles, like footlights flickering</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">O'er visage shaven.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And <i>it</i>, that kind of social myth</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where every guest (and each a rum
+            one)</p>
+
+            <p>Is Somebody, because the kith</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Or kin of Someone.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Great Siberian Victim's Aunt,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Godfather of Colonel CODY,</p>
+
+            <p>And some affinity I can't</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Recall to DAUDET.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In fine, a Tussaud's once removed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Not waxworks, but their far
+            connections;</p>
+
+            <p>The names, the attitudes, approved,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">But mere reflections.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our hostess, wont to pedigree</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her portents, slurred his surname
+            sweetly;</p>
+
+            <p>So up my smiler tripped&mdash;to me</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Unknown completely.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thus mystified, I needs must bruit</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The weather&mdash;"It was rainy,
+            rather."</p>
+
+            <p>"Yes," he rejoined, "It does not suit</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">My Poet-father:</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Strange how the damp affects great men;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist,</p>
+
+            <p>You know paints always smartest when</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">It rains the smartest."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"In <i>water</i>-colours?" feebly next</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I faltered, falling quite to pieces:</p>
+
+            <p>"No, no," he murmured mildly vexed,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">"<i>You</i> mean my nieces.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Those delicate young paintresses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Idyls in Cobalt and Bistre,</p>
+
+            <p>Though for Impressionist success,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Give me my sister.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"My nephew, he's inspired of course,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Divine, quite <i>autre chose: en bref</i>
+            you&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Forgive an uncle's pride&mdash;perforce</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Adore my nephew."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Reeling with Relatives, I quite</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My compass lost: to shift our
+            bearing,</p>
+
+            <p>"Who is the Lady on your right?"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Quoth I, despairing.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"That Beauty, like the portraits I've</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For sale beheld of Miss BELLE
+            BILTON."&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"She? She's the representative,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">The last, of MILTON!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>This was too much: what <i>could</i> I try</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To burst from such a tangled tether?</p>
+
+            <p>The shops for neutral ground, thought I,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Eclipse the weather.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The shops! The very thing. I dared</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The shops. "How wonderful was
+            WHITELEY!"</p>
+
+            <p>Dazed at the Wizard's name he stared,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">And shuddered slightly.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A silence froze his ready twang:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No more he smiled&mdash;from that fell
+            minute,</p>
+
+            <p>HENRY THE FIRST&mdash;to speak in slang&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Was scarcely in it.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That smilelessness! What meant the curse?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who could the skein unravel? I did.</p>
+
+            <p>This was the Diner "Univers-</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">-ally provided."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Renowned, if nameless&mdash;hired to be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Salvation of a banquet's ruin,</p>
+
+            <p>"Monsieur Le Quatorzième" took me,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">And may take you in.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE MERRY GREEN WOOD.</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>An "Epping Forest" Chorus.</i></h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>"For ever and again the Corporation of London send down
+        their <i>protégés</i>, the young City sportsmen who may, or
+        may not, know how to load a gun, but who are very keen on
+        'Sport.' Then the herds are driven by beaters towards the
+        gallant huntsmen, the forest re-echoes with the report of
+        guns, and next day you can trace the whereabouts of the
+        wounded bucks and deer by tracks of blood among the bushes,
+        and by impressions on the grass where the maimed creature
+        has fallen in its flight for life."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall
+        Gazette</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Chorus of Huntsmen.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, we like,&mdash;we love the Merry Green Wood,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As should Huntsmen bold of the proper
+            sort!</p>
+
+            <p>And we would hit the stag <i>if we possibly
+            could</i>,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As is meet with such palpable sons of
+            Sport.</p>
+
+            <p>Away to the forest we cheerily run,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And wait for the beaters' welcome
+            cry;</p>
+
+            <p>And though we are new to the use of a gun,</p>
+
+            <p>What matters? At anything we'll let fly!</p>
+
+            <p>So Sing hey, sing ho, for the startled deer;</p>
+
+            <p>We warrant we'll hit him, if <i>he</i> comes
+            near</p>
+
+            <p>And we'll send him lame and limping away,</p>
+
+            <p>With a shot he'll remember for many a day!</p>
+
+            <p>For marry come up! But it would be absurd</p>
+
+            <p>To expect a bold Sportsman to bag the whole
+            herd!</p>
+
+            <p>So he blazes away; and he hits one or two;</p>
+
+            <p>And they hobble away in some thicket to lie,</p>
+
+            <p>And, after a day or two's suffering, die;</p>
+
+            <p>We don't see precisely what more we could do,</p>
+
+            <p>Than shout that "we love the Merry Green Wood!"</p>
+
+            <p>And would settle the stag,&mdash;<i>if we possibly
+            could!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The following advertisement appears in the
+    <i>Standard</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><big><big>A</big></big> Lady wishes to have twice from
+        the country a SUPPLY of LIVE SPARROWS, for a favourite
+        cat.&mdash;Address, &amp;c.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty look about this
+    "Lady's" desire to supply her favourite cat with some downright
+    real Sport. For it is to be presumed that she intends her
+    well-cared for pet literally to do the unhappy sparrows to
+    death in the most approved fashion. How will she manage it?
+    Clip their wings, and set them on the drawing-room floor; or
+    tie strings to their legs, and let the favourite cat "go for
+    them?" Cats must be fed. But it is not necessary to provide
+    them with a "Supply of Live Sparrows" twice, or even once. We
+    submit the subject to the notice of the S.P.C.A.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ONE POUND NOTES.&mdash;Probable rate that a fashionable
+    <i>prima donna</i> will charge for a song in the near
+    future.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page166"
+       id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/166.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/166.png"
+             alt="APRIL FOOLS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>APRIL FOOLS.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page167"
+       id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span>
+
+    <h2>OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY!</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman
+    loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yesh, HARRY LAWSHUN mosh entirely righ'!</p>
+
+            <p>WILFRIDSH mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh'</p>
+
+            <p>Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw snakesh.</p>
+
+            <p>Frigh'ful to watch 'em wrigglung, when one
+            wakesh</p>
+
+            <p>Over the quilterpane&mdash;I mean counterquilt.</p>
+
+            <p>Liqnorsh are lovely, when you're that waysh
+            built;</p>
+
+            <p>But snakesh ish pizen! So ish liquorsh,
+            too&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Leastwaysh, so WILFRIDSH LAWSHON and hish crew</p>
+
+            <p>Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash'ral Museum,</p>
+
+            <p>Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee
+            'em!</p>
+
+            <p>All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twirls, and
+            twiddles;</p>
+
+            <p>Tails like long corkscrewsh, gogglesh in their
+            middles;</p>
+
+            <p>Big headsh, and bony bodysh&mdash;frigh'fully
+            frisky!</p>
+
+            <p>Fancy sush things living in Irish Whishky,</p>
+
+            <p>Like animalcu&mdash;what's it?
+            in&mdash;<i>hic</i>&mdash;water!</p>
+
+            <p>No matter! I've sworn offsh! POLLY, my daughter,</p>
+
+            <p>Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now!</p>
+
+            <p>To Heaven's broad blue vault I lift my brow,</p>
+
+            <p>A shober Br&mdash;Bri'sh Workman! So old DUMPER,</p>
+
+            <p>The lecturer, putsh it. He'sh a rare
+            tub-thumper!</p>
+
+            <p>Itsh Easter Shunday, and I am not tigh'!</p>
+
+            <p>Bri'sh Workman&mdash;Nash'ral Museum! Thatsh
+            or'righ'.</p>
+
+            <p>Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed ginger-beer</p>
+
+            <p>Gassysh&mdash;go i' my head an' makesh me queer!</p>
+
+            <p>One nipsh!&mdash;no, no! won't do! Wherream I?
+            Lor!</p>
+
+            <p>Strai' on, the plishman says, through tha' there
+            door.</p>
+
+            <p>Doorsh blesshed wide, and these 'ere big
+            shop-cases</p>
+
+            <p>With bitsh o' stone and beedlesh!&mdash;Yah! Thosh
+            faces!</p>
+
+            <p>Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and
+            bony!</p>
+
+            <p>Thosh wrigglewigglements! I'll bet a pony</p>
+
+            <p><i>Thish</i> ish no Nash'ral
+            Museum&mdash;Nash&mdash;<i>hic</i>&mdash;ral
+            Hishtory!</p>
+
+            <p>Look at 'em! <i>Look</i> at 'em!! Oh, hersh a
+            mystery!</p>
+
+            <p>POLLYSH,&mdash;where are yer? Where'sh that blesshed
+            bottle?</p>
+
+            <p>I'vesh got a peck o' March dust down my
+            throttle.</p>
+
+            <p>Give ush that gin&mdash;ger beersh, o' course, I
+            mean.</p>
+
+            <p>Look, POLLY!&mdash;shee that creature long and
+            lean,</p>
+
+            <p>Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it</p>
+
+            <p>With thish 'ere Bri's'h Museum! Wai' a minute!</p>
+
+            <p>Where am I? Whersh tha' girl? Can't read this
+            lingo!</p>
+
+            <p>"Mega&mdash;" It moves! <i>Got 'em again, by
+            Jingo!!!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/167.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/167.png"
+             alt="AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON." /></a>
+
+        <h3>AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON.</h3>(<i>At the Natural History
+        Museum.</i>)<br />
+         <i>Visitor</i>. "HULLO! I SAY, I'VE GOT 'EM AGIN! GI' ME
+        THE BLUE RIBBON!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>March 10</i>.&mdash;It has come at last, and I'm free to
+    confess I don't care for it half as much as I thought I should.
+    I got the letter five days ago. Here it is:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p class="author">45, <i>Main Street, Billsbury, March</i> 4,
+    18&mdash;.</p>
+
+    <p>Sir,&mdash;I have been in communication with headquarters,
+    and I am informed that you are looking out for a Constituency
+    at the next General Election. We have been for some time past
+    endeavouring to find a Candidate for this Borough, and should
+    be glad to hear if we may submit your name to the consideration
+    of our local Council. The political history of Billsbury must
+    be known to you. Up to the date of the last election we have
+    always been represented by a Conservative. In fact, Billsbury
+    was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress of sound
+    Constitutional opinion.</p>
+
+    <p>Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the
+    Constituency the time and attention it required. Moreover, I
+    may mention in strict confidence, that his conduct over the
+    Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme alienated a considerable number
+    of his supporters, and the consequence was that at the last
+    election Sir THOMAS CHUBSON, the Liberal Candidate and present
+    Member for Billsbury, was elected by a majority of 279. Since
+    then, however, the Party has rallied, the divisions in our
+    ranks have been healed, the registrations have been very much
+    in our favour, and there is no reason to doubt that, as soon as
+    Billsbury has the chance, she will return to her ancient
+    allegiance. I shall be in London the day after to-morrow
+    (Thursday, March 6), and shall do myself the honour of calling
+    upon you. Kindly let me know where and when I can see you. I
+    shall be glad to afford you any further information.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND,</p>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>To</i> RICHARD B. PATTLE, Esq.,
+    <i>President Billsbury Conservative Association. Dr. Johnson
+    Buildings, Temple, E.C.</i></p>
+
+    <p>I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged
+    me to accept, and told me that even if I failed, which they
+    said was extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an
+    irresistible claim on the Party." Afterwards saw VULLIAMY, the
+    Member for one of the Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of
+    course you must. Ridiculous to hesitate. A youngster like you,
+    who only left College four years ago, ought to be proud of the
+    chance. If you're beaten you'll have a claim on the Party, and
+    mind you don't let 'em forget it. Curse them, they never think
+    of a man's valuable services if he doesn't keep on reminding
+    them himself;" and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an
+    hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how "the shabby
+    beggars" had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It
+    seems the other side manage their business much better. Next I
+    called on Uncle HENRY in the City. He said he'd stick to his
+    promise of paying half my expenses, but wouldn't help me to
+    nurse the place. However, I daresay that won't cost much.
+    Eventually wrote to Old TOLLAND, and asked him to call at my
+    Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home and told my
+    mother. She said, "My darling boy, I knew you would be
+    distinguished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had
+    only lived, he would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind
+    you have that horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery."
+    And with that she kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the
+    news. I sloped.</p>
+
+    <p>On Thursday Old TOLLAND called. It seems he's an Alderman,
+    and I only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted to know,
+    What were my views on the Labour Question? Was I an Eight
+    Hours' man? How about Vaccination and Woman's Suffrage? and all
+    kinds of other rubbish. I had to beat about a good deal, and
+    answer generally, but at last I consented to address the
+    Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the day. If accepted, I
+    shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go through it all
+    again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose it's the
+    usual way.</p>
+
+    <center>
+        (<i>To be continued.</i>)
+    </center>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Rights of Counsel.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Client</i>.)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, what are the "rights" of the Q.C.?</p>
+
+            <p>The point of the question but few see.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Those rights are to do</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">What suits <i>him</i>, if not
+            <i>you</i>!</p>
+
+            <p>Faith! that's the whole business <i>in nuce</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>JOKIN'S LATEST.&mdash;"The Surplus will be anything but a
+    <i>dry</i> subject this year, as it is owing to a steady or
+    (probably) unsteady consumption of Drink!"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page168"
+       id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:24%;">
+        <a href="images/168-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168-1.png"
+             alt="'Wonderful!'" /></a>"Wonderful!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 23</i>.&mdash;Easter
+    Holidays begin to-morrow; to-night last rally round RAIKES;
+    Postmaster harried from both sides of House; the Contumacious
+    COBB begins it; comments on Coroner's conduct beginning to pall
+    on accustomed appetite; references to delicate investigation in
+    judicial circles falling flat; so turns upon
+    POSTMASTER-GENERAL. Wants to know about the Boy Messengers?
+    Pack in full cry; RAIKES pelted with newspapers, assailed with
+    over-weighted letters; late at night CAMERON comes up quite
+    fresh, desiring to "call attention to the position taken up by
+    the POSTMASTER-GENERAL with regard to the Electric Call and Boy
+    Messenger System," just as if he had at the moment made the
+    discovery.</p>
+
+    <p>In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol;
+    explains it's the thing you work the electric call with. You
+    press a button here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda;
+    another button, and you have a sausage and a hot potato; a
+    third, and your boots are suddenly pulled off by an unseen
+    agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated in a hansom cab,
+    with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay your fare
+    withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the
+    morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with
+    the machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who
+    ought to have been called at this hour.</p>
+
+    <p>GANE, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat entranced,
+    listening to this interesting narrative, and watching the
+    illustrations rapidly produced by CAMERON, as he touched the
+    various buttons.</p>
+
+    <p>"Wonderful!" cried GANE, Q.C. "Never knew anything like it
+    since I read <i>Arabian Nights</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON.</p>
+
+    <p>Must think this over during the Recess.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/168-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168-2.png"
+             alt="The Pillary Post." /></a>The Pillary Post.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House,
+    falling into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy
+    tale.</p>
+
+    <p>"It's only postponed, TOBY," he said, wearily, CAMERON
+    (having accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly
+    carried off to bed in the middle of a sentence; "they'll be at
+    me again to-morrow, and will begin once more, like giants
+    refreshed, when they come back from the holidays. It's an old
+    story; the House of Commons must always have its whipping-boy.
+    Don't know whether you've sat long enough for Barks to remember
+    AYRTON? A dead set was made against him, and he was not only
+    driven out of office, but forth from public life. It's
+    generally the HOME SECRETARY who is fastened on. There was
+    WALPOLE, chronically reduced to tears. BRUCE was chivied by the
+    cabmen, and had his hat blocked by the publicans. The blameless
+    HARCOURT didn't go scot free whilst he was at the Home Office.
+    MATTHEWS has had a long run, with the hounds after him. Now
+    they've turned aside from him, and are yelping after me. It's
+    very well for MATTHEWS, but a little worrying for me. Of course
+    I don't claim to be perfect. As HARCOURT once admitted of
+    himself, I'm almost human, I try to do my duty, and protect the
+    interests of Department committed to my charge. They come in
+    touch with all classes, and naturally there is friction. Just
+    now the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised. Perhaps
+    it'll fall away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather
+    wearing, so pitilessly monotonous. As you said the other day, a
+    new constitutional maxim has been established. Once OLD
+    MORALITY used to write in his copybook, 'The QUEEN can Do no
+    Wrong.' Now he may add this other, 'The POSTMASTER-GENERAL Does
+    Nothing Right.'" <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Miscellaneous.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:26%;">
+        <a href="images/168-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/168-3.png"
+             alt="'Stole Away!'" /></a>"Stole Away!"
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday Afternoon</i>.&mdash;Winding up business before
+    holiday; rather a scramble at the end. OLD MORALITY, as usual,
+    piled up heap of work to be got through. "Quite easy, you
+    know," he said. "Tithes Bill, Electoral Disabilities Removal
+    Bill, Savings Bank Bill, take them in your stride. What does
+    the poet say? Line upon Line; Little by Little; Here to-day and
+    gone To-morrow. Those are the sound economical principles that
+    should guide a man through life."</p>
+
+    <p>At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here
+    to-day, we wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last
+    stage took a lot of fighting over. House wouldn't have
+    Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at
+    any price.</p>
+
+    <p>"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in
+    despair.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled
+    out manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the
+    under-pay of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST
+    folded his tent like the Arab, and as silently stole away.
+    Example followed generally by Members in all parts of the
+    House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying himself, composedly went on to
+    end of speech, and then adjournment. SPEAKER "kept in" till
+    Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal Commission. Rest
+    off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Wound up for Easter
+    Holidays.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CRITICISING THE CALENDAR.</h2>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;The suggestion of your Correspondent "EASTER
+    EGG," who wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming
+    on April 20, is excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the
+    other tide, depends on the moon. What a humiliating confession!
+    Why should we any longer consent to be the slaves of the
+    (so-called) Science of Astronomy?</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, REFORMING SPIRIT.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;What's all this fuss about Easter being too early
+    this year? It isn't half early enough. It ought to have come
+    last Christmas, and Whitsuntide the same, and then we should
+    have polished off three public holiday seasons&mdash;public
+    nuisances, <i>I</i> call them,&mdash;at once.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, gloomily, TRUE PHILANTHROPIST.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;I have just been horrified to hear that one of my
+    boys now at home from school remains with us for a three weeks'
+    vacation! The early date of Easter is the paltry excuse offered
+    by his Headmaster for this infliction. Anybody can see through
+    such a flimsy pretext. His brother is to have <i>his</i>
+    holiday four weeks later. The result is that the boys will see
+    nothing of each other during their holidays, while their
+    parents will see a great deal too much. How can brotherly
+    affection&mdash;I say nothing of fatherly affection,&mdash;that
+    priceless blessing, which I flatter myself I always
+    conspicuously display&mdash;be expected to continue under these
+    depressing conditions?</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, exasperatedly, FOND PARENT.</p>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;As peeple are riting lettres to you about the
+    Easter holy-days, I should like you to put in what old
+    BOREHAM&mdash;he's our Principul&mdash;has been doing. We all
+    think it a thundring shame. He kept us grinding away right
+    through Good Friday, Easter Monday, and means us to go on
+    several weeks afterwards! The result was we had about half a
+    Hot Cross-Bun each! Old BOREHAM akshally fixed Easter Monday
+    for going over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese would you
+    say something in your valyble collums about old BOREHAM, and
+    oblige</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, obedjiently, SMITH (<i>Tertius</i>),
+    <i>Rodchester</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, April 4, 1891, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100,
+April 4, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 4, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: August 26, 2004 [EBook #13297]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+April 4, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.
+
+(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._)
+
+NO. II.-NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVOeIT).
+
+ACT I.
+
+    _A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture. Gimcracks
+    in an etagere; a festoon of chenille monkeys hanging from
+    the gaselier. Japanese fans, skeletons, cotton-wool spiders,
+    frogs, and lizards, scattered everywhere about. Drain-pipes
+    with tall dyed grasses. A porcelain stove decorated with
+    transferable pictures. Showily-bound books in book-case.
+    Window. The Visitors' bell rings in the hall outside. The
+    hall-door is heard to open, and then to shut. Presently
+    NORA walks in with parcels; a Porter carries a large
+    Christmas-tree after her--which he puts down. NORA gives
+    him a shilling--and he goes out grumbling. NORA hums
+    contentedly, and eats macaroons. Then HELMER puts his
+    head out of his Manager's room, and NORA hides macaroons
+    cautiously._
+
+_Helmer_ (_playfully_). Is that my little squirrel twittering--that my
+lark frisking in here?
+
+_Nora_. Ess! (_To herself._) I have only been married eight years, so
+these marital amenities have not yet had time to pall!
+
+[Illustration: "Boo!"]
+
+_Helmer_ (_threatening with his finger_). I hope the little bird has
+surely not been digging its beak into any macaroons, eh?
+
+_Nora_ (_bolting one, and wiping her mouth_). No, most certainly not.
+(_To herself_.) The worst of being so babyish is--one _does_ have to
+tell such a lot of taradiddles! (_To H._) See what _I_'ve bought--it's
+been _such_ fun!
+
+    [_Hums._
+
+_Helmer_ (_inspecting parcels_). H'm--rather an _expensive_ little
+lark!
+
+    [_Takes her playfully by the ear._
+
+_Nora_. Little birds like to have a flutter occasionally. Which
+reminds me--(_Plays with his coat-buttons._) I'm such a simple ickle
+sing--but if you _are_ thinking of giving me a Christmas present, make
+it cash.
+
+_Helmer_. Just like your poor father, _he_ always asked me to make it
+cash--he never made any himself! It's heredity, I suppose. Well--well!
+
+    [_Goes back to his Bank. NORA goes on humming._
+
+    _Enter Mrs. LINDEN, doubtfully._
+
+_Nora_. What, CHRISTINA--why, how old you look! But then you are
+poor. I'm not. TORVALD has just been made a Bank Manager. (_Tidies the
+room._) Isn't it really wonderfully delicious to be well off? But,
+of course, you wouldn't know. _We_ were poor once, and, do you know,
+when TORVALD was ill, I--(_tossing her head_)--though I _am_ such a
+frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I actually borrowed L300 for
+him to go abroad. Wasn't _that_ clever? Tra-la-la! I shan't tell you
+_who_ lent it. I didn't even tell TORVALD. I am such a mere baby I
+don't tell him everything. I tell Dr. RANK, though. Oh, I'm so awfully
+happy I should like to shout, "Dash it all!"
+
+_Mrs. Linden_ (_stroking her hair_). Do--it is a natural and innocent
+outburst--you are such a child! But I am a widow, and want employment.
+_Do_ you think your husband could find me a place as clerk in his
+Bank? (_Proudly._) I am an excellent knitter!
+
+_Nora_. That would really be awfully funny. (_To HELMER, who
+enters._) TORVALD, this is CHRISTINA; she wants to be a clerk in your
+Bank--_do_ let her! She thinks such a lot of _you_. (_To herself._)
+Another taradiddle!
+
+_Helmer_. She is a sensible woman, and deserves encouragement. Come
+along, Mrs. LINDEN, and we'll see what we can do for you.
+
+[_He goes out through the hall with Mrs. L., and the front-door is
+heard to slam after them._
+
+_Nora_ (_opens door, and calls_). Now, EMMY, IVAR, and BOB, come
+in and have a romp with Mamma--we will play hide-and-seek. (_She
+gets under the table, smiling in quiet satisfaction; KROGSTAD
+enters--NORA pounces out upon him_). Boo!... Oh, I _beg_ your
+pardon. I don't do this kind of thing _generally_--though I may be a
+little silly!
+
+_Krogstad_ (_politely_). Don't mention it. I called because I happened
+to see your husband go out with MRS. LINDEN--from which, being a
+person of considerable penetration, I infer that he is about to give
+her my post at the Bank. Now, as you owe me the balance of L300,
+for which I hold your acknowledgment, you will see the propriety of
+putting a stop to this little game at once.
+
+_Nora_. But I don't at all--not a little wee bit! I'm so childish, you
+know--why _should_ I? [_Sitting upright on carpet._
+
+_Krogs._ I will try to make it plain to the meanest capacity. When
+you came to me for the loan, I naturally required some additional
+security. Your father, being a shady Government official, without a
+penny--for, if he had possessed one, he would, presumably, have left
+it to you--without a penny, then, I, as a cautious man of business,
+insisted upon having his signature as a surety. Oh, we Norwegians are
+sharp fellows!
+
+_Nora_. Well, you _got_ Papa's signature, didn't you?
+
+_Krogs._ Oh, I _got_ it right enough. Unfortunately, it was dated
+three days after his decease--now, how do you account for _that_?
+
+_Nora_. How? Why, as poor Papa was dead, and couldn't sign, I signed
+_for_ him, that's all! Only somehow I forgot to put the date back.
+_That's_ how. Didn't I _tell_ you I was a silly, unbusinesslike little
+thing? It's very simple.
+
+_Krogs._ Very--but what you did amounts to forgery, notwithstanding.
+I happen to know, because I'm a lawyer, and have done a little in the
+forging way myself. So, to come to the point--if _I_ get kicked out, I
+shall not go alone! [_He bows, and goes out._
+
+_Nora_. It _can't_ be wrong! Why no one but KROGSTAD would have been
+taken in by it! If the Law says it's wrong, the Law's a goose--a
+bigger goose than poor little me even! (_To HELMER, who enters_.)
+Oh, TORVALD, how you made me jump!
+
+_Helmer_. Has anybody called? (_NORA shakes her head_.) Oh, my little
+squirrel mustn't tell naughty whoppers! Why, I just met that fellow
+KROGSTAD in the hall. He's been asking you to get me to take him
+back--now, hasn't he?
+
+_Nora_ (_walking about_). Do just see how pretty the Christmas-tree
+looks!
+
+_Helmer_. Never mind the tree--I want to have this out about KROGSTAD.
+I can't take him back, because many years ago he forged a name. As a
+lawyer, a close observer of human nature, and a Bank Manager, I have
+remarked that people who forge names seldom or never confide the fact
+to their children--which inevitably brings moral contagion into the
+entire family. From which it follows, logically, that KROGSTAD has
+been poisoning his children for years by acting a part, and is morally
+lost. (_Stretches out his hands to her._) I can't bear a morally lost
+Bank-cashier about me!
+
+_Nora_. But you never thought of dismissing him till CHRISTINA came!
+
+_Helmer_. H'm! I've got some business to attend to--so good-bye,
+little lark! [_Goes into office and shuts door._
+
+_Nora_ (_pale with terror_). If KROGSTAD poisons his children because
+he once forged a name, I must be poisoning EMMY, and BOB, and IVAR,
+because _I_ forged Papa's signature! (_Short pause; she raises
+her head proudly._) After all, if I _am_ a doll, I can still
+draw a logical induction! I mustn't play with the children any
+more--(_hotly_)--I don't care--I _shall_, though! Who cares for
+KROGSTAD?
+
+    [_She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as Curtain
+    falls._
+
+N.B.--The tremendous psychological problem of whether NORA is as much
+of a doll, a squirrel, and a lark, as she seems, and if so, whether
+it is her own fault, or HELMER's or Society's, will be solved in
+subsequent numbers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.--At last by the authority of the L.C.C. his
+Grace of BEDFORD has been notified that within three months from
+now "Locks, bolts, and bars must fly asunder" in the parish of St.
+Pancras, where henceforth existence of all such obstruction is to
+cease. We hope that the gate-keepers, whose occupation is gone, have
+been amply provided for, as they will now have no gates, but only
+themselves to keep. _Mr. Punch_ has persistently advocated the reform.
+And now, Gentlemen, how about Mud Salad Market, which, like Scotland
+in _Macbeth's_ time, "stands where it did"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FASCINATION!
+
+"APOLLONIUS, by some probable conjectures, found her out to be a
+serpent, a Lamia; and that all her furniture was, like Tantalus's
+gold described by HOMER, no substance, but mere illusion."--_Burton's
+Anatomy of Melancholy._]
+
+  A LAMIA, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most unequivocal, betray the
+      Snake;
+  As fell ophidian as in fierce meridian of Afric ever lurked in swamp or
+      brake;
+  And yet Corinthian LYCIUS  never doted on the white-throated charmer of
+      his soul
+  With blinder passion than our fools of Fashion
+                                Feel for this gruesome ghoul.
+
+  Poor LYCIUS had excuse. Who might refuse worship to Lamia, "now a lady
+      bright"?
+  But foul-fanged here, fierce-eyed, a shape of fear, the serpent stands,
+  revealed to general sight,
+  A loathly thing, close knotted ring on ring, of guise unlovely, and
+      infectious breath;
+  And yet strong witchery draws to those wide jaws
+                                Whose touch is shameful death.
+
+  See how the flattering things on painted wings, foolish as gnat-swarms
+      near the shrivelling blaze,
+  Flock nearer, nearer! Forms, too, quainter, queerer, frog-dupes of folly,
+      rabbit-thralls of craze,
+  Butterfly triflers, gay-plumed would-be riflers of golden chalices, of
+      poisoned flowers,
+  Flitter and flutter in delirium utter,
+                                As drawn by wizard powers.
+
+  Oh, "Painted Lady," Summer coverts shady, the greenwood home, the sweep
+      of sunny fields,
+  A butterfly befit; but where's the wit that mire-befouled to the
+      swamp-demon yields?
+  Oh, birds of Iris-glitter, black and bitter will be the wakening when
+      those gaudy plumes
+  Fall crushed and leaden, as your senses deaden
+                                In poisonous Python fumes!
+
+  Ye _gobemouche_ creatures of batrachian features, who "go a-wooing" such
+      a fate as this,
+  Have ye no vision of that doom's decision? Have ye no ear for rattle or
+      for hiss?
+  Salammbo's craving, morbid and enslaving, was sanity compared with your
+      mad love,
+  As well the swallow the fierce shrike might follow,
+                                Or hawk be chased by dove!
+
+  Tantalus' gold is all such Lamias hold; 'tis Devil's dice such Mammon
+      vassals throw;
+  A sordid fever fires each fool-believer in the gross glitter, the unholy
+      glow.
+  Vile is your Dagon! Circe's venomed flagon embruted less than doth the
+      Lamia's wine,
+  Than Comus' cup more perilous to sup--
+                                As snakes are worse than swine.
+
+  The poet's snake enchanted, who so flaunted her borrowed robes amidst the
+      daffodils,
+  Hath piteous touches. She, from Fate's clutches, free some brief space,
+      "escaped from so sore ills,"
+  Moves our compassion. But this modern fashion of Snake Enchanter looks
+      unlovely all.
+  Greed's inspiration its sole fascination.
+                                Low selfishness its thrall.
+
+  "A Serpent!" So the Sophist murmured low, and "LYCIUS' arms were empty of
+      delight,"
+  LAMIA had fled! Would that some sage cool head, some modern APOLLONIUS,
+      with the might
+  Of sense magnanimous, would banish thus the bestial Lamia of our later day,
+  Whose fascination draws a noble nation
+                                To sordid slow decay!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DANTE NOT "IN IT"!--The Italian language is to be excluded from the
+Indian Civil Service Examination. "The story is extant, and written
+in very choice Italian," said _Hamlet_, and SHAKSPEARE knew that the
+reference would be intelligible to his audience. But _Hamlet_ "up to
+date" in this "so-called nineteenth century" would be compelled to
+give the speech thus, "The original story, I believe, is written in
+the Italian language, with which none of us here are acquainted."
+But, after all, the candidates may be inclined to adapt the
+Gilbert-Sullivan words and music to the occasion, and sing--
+
+  "So, in spite of all temptation,
+  At the next examination
+    They'll bar I-tal-i-an!"
+
+Though, years hence, it may happen that they'll be sorry they weren't
+compelled to get up Italian as one of the subjects.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOUR OF EASE!"--which line would make a suitable
+motto for our very useful, chatty, and interesting weekly contemporary
+entitled _Woman. A propos_ of "headings," the only one in the
+above-mentioned publication to which objection can possibly be taken
+"on the face of it" is "Wrinkles." Wouldn't "Whispers" be better? It
+is quite enough for _Woman_ to appear with lines, but it's too bad
+that wrinkles should be added while she is yet so young.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."--Once again occurs an illustration of the
+applicability of Dickensian characters to modern instances. In last
+Thursday's _Times_, by special Razzle-Dalziel wire, we read of the
+return of another great Arctic explorer, Mr. WASHBURTON PIKE, after
+having braved dangers demanding the most dauntless courage. Here,
+then, are two single gentlemen rolled into one: it is _Pike_ and
+_Pluck_ combined.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEATUS POSSIDENS.
+
+"I'VE COME ABOUT A JOB. I HEARD THERE WAS A BOY WANTED."
+
+"OH, YOU 'EARD AS THERE WAS A BOY WANTED, DID YER? THEN YOU'RE JUST
+TOO LATE, 'COS MASTER'S SOOTED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION.
+
+1. The earliest specimen of the Birch. (_Suggested by a Merry Swish
+Boy._)
+
+2. Salt-cellar used for holding the Salt at Montem time.
+
+3. Specimen of Haberdashery, from an Eton "Sock" shop.
+
+4. Model of the most powerful "Long-glass" from "Tap."
+
+5. Chips from the Earliest Block, with authentic history of Etonian
+Original Transgression, or "First Fault."
+
+6. Documents tracing the connection between "Pop" and the Pawnbroking
+business.
+
+7. Specimen of Lower Boy's Hat, with motto, "_Sub Tegmine Fag-I!_"
+
+8. Portraits of Eminent "Sitters" on Fourth of June and Election
+Saturday in the early part of present century.
+
+9. Scull of a "Wet-Bob" originally feathered.
+
+10. A copy (perfect and signed) of another boy's verses. (N.B. Not
+very scarce.)
+
+11. Portraits of eminent Landlords who, acting on SHERIDAN's advice,
+have "kept up the Xtopher."
+
+12. Also, portrait, with life and times of the crabbed old Thames
+Waterman, known on the river as "Surly HALL."
+
+    [Any future suggestions that maybe sent to us will be entirely
+    at the service of the Duke of FIFE and others, interested in
+    promoting this most interesting exhibition.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PUBLISHER AND HIS FRIENDS.--In order to worthily celebrate the
+hearty reception, by the critics and the public generally, of this
+most interesting and successful work, the present representatives of
+the great publishing firm of MURRAY will give a grand banquet, and,
+with SMILES, will sing in chorus the once popular refrain, "We are a
+Murray family, we are, we are, we are!" _Prosit!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THOSE IT MAY CONCERN.--In reply to several Correspondents, _Mr.
+Punch_ begs to suggest that ANTHONY TROLLOPE would certainly have
+observed, "_I say Yes!_" had he been told that WILKIE COLLINS had
+written "_I Say No!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER.
+
+(_A STORY OF THE PARLIAMENTARY BAR._)
+
+"You will not forget, Sir," said my excellent and admirable clerk,
+"that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of the House of
+Commons, in the matter of the Glogsweller Railway Extension?"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I glanced somewhat severely at PORTINGTON, but was gratified to find
+that his face was quite free from any suggestion of levity. I was
+the more pleased with the result of my investigation, as, truth to
+tell, the delivery of a brief in the matter of the Extension of the
+Glogsweller Railway Company had been somewhat of an event in my life.
+I had never before had the honour of practising at the Parliamentary
+Bar. So for months my mind had been entirely occupied with the date
+fixed for my appearance in the Committee Room of the House of Commons,
+known technically, I believe, at St. Stephens, as "upstairs."
+
+"You will be sure to meet me there, to-morrow, PORTINGTON?" I
+observed.
+
+"Certainly, Sir," replied my clerk. "But, as I have to be down at the
+Mayor's Court with Mr. CHARLES O'MULLIGAN in the morning, I daresay
+you won't mind if I come with your sandwiches and sherry, Sir, at two,
+or thereabouts."
+
+I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. O'MULLIGAN shares with me the good
+offices of PORTINGTON, but generally contrives to secure the lion's
+portion of his services. I had arranged--understanding that no
+adjournment was made for luncheon--that some refreshment should be
+conveyed to me during the day's proceedings, so that my voice should
+lose none of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced weakness)
+when the time arrived for my advocacy of the cause of my clients.
+Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral interest in the day's
+proceedings. The great North-East Diddlesex Railway were promoting
+a Bill to carry a new line into the neighbourhood of the Glogsweller
+Extension, and my duty was confined to cross-examining one of the
+expert witnesses that I knew would be asked to support the G.N.E.D.R.
+To be candid, we had a goods depot near their suggested terminus, and
+were fearful that their proposed proximity would damage our mineral
+traffic. The matter was simple enough, but I had taken months in
+carefully studying a small library of charts, Encyclopaedias, and
+Parliamentary Blue Books, in mastering it.
+
+On the morning following my conversation with PORTINGTON, duly robed
+(I had put on my wig and gown in Chambers), I travelled by hansom
+to Westminster, and presented myself at the side entrance to St.
+Stephen's Hall. I had no difficulty in finding the Committee Room
+devoted to the consideration of the alleged necessities of the Great
+North-East Diddlesex Railway. It was a large and pleasant apartment,
+with a distant view through the windows of St. Thomas's Hospital. At
+a horse-shoe table sat the Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who
+might have filled equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved
+in the Royal Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I took
+my place amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were perfect
+strangers to me. The table in front of us was littered with plans,
+charts, and documents of all descriptions. A Q.C. brought with him
+a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard, and there were other
+refreshments mingled with the exhibits before us. On chairs at the
+side were Solicitors; at our back, separated from us by a bar,
+were the Public. On the walls were hanging huge charts, giving in
+pantomimic proportions the proposed progress of the projected line.
+In the corners of these charts were explanations why such a part
+was coloured green, or red, or blue. During the day's proceedings an
+attendant was told off to trace the course of a counsel's harangue by
+pointing out, with a lecturer's wand, the various places referred to
+in his speech.
+
+I was gratified to find that the expert whose evidence it was my duty
+to test by cross-examination, was soon in the witness-box. He was a
+gentleman of considerable bulk, which gave one of my learned friends,
+who was the first to take him in hand, the opportunity of saying,
+that he was a "witness of great weight," a remark which caused much
+laughter--even the Chairman of the Committee, a somewhat austere
+person, indulging in a stealthy smile at the ingenious sally. Such
+waggish flashes as this, I need scarcely say, were most welcome, and
+afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief to the necessary dryness
+that characterised, perforce, the proceedings. As the hands of the
+clock progressed, waiters carried into the Committee, various light
+refreshments, such as brandy-and-sodawater, sandwiches, and buns. My
+colleagues, too, when not actively engaged in the declamatory duties
+of their profession, partook of the viands with which they had
+provided themselves before the commencement of the day's labours. Thus
+the cups devoted to custard soon were empty, and the paper bags, once
+occupied by buns, crumpled up and discarded. I gazed at the clock.
+It was past two, and I was getting terribly hungry. I felt that my
+voice was becoming weak from famine. This would never do, and might
+endanger my clients' interests. I looked round eagerly for PORTINGTON.
+He was nowhere to be seen. I whispered to a colleague, "would the
+examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told it could not
+possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I made up my mind
+to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the corridor before I had
+entered the room, and hurriedly left my seat. I pushed my way through
+the public, and had scarcely got outside when I found my faithful
+clerk laden with sandwiches and sherry making post-haste towards me.
+
+"Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust the
+invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands; "run, Sir,
+run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence!"
+
+Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my subordinate
+I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that the
+examination-in-chief was nearly ended. I pulled myself together.
+I drank a glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My voice was in
+excellent tone, and I felt that the crisis of my life had indeed been
+reached. I knew that it was now or never. I had this great chance of
+distinguishing myself by pleasing my clients and securing a practice
+at the Parliamentary Bar, which might mean hundreds, nay, thousands
+a-year. I imagined my children at Eton, my wife in a carriage and
+pair, my address in Grosvenor Place. All I had to do to secure these
+tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients by my careful
+attention to their interests. The moment at length arrived. I rose to
+cross-examine.
+
+"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the situation,
+and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which was striking
+terror into the heart of the witness before me, _I_ am going to put a
+few questions to you!"
+
+"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly--"you will do nothing of
+the sort. You were not present during the _whole_ of the witness's
+       *       *       *       *       *
+I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and sherry had
+ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together (in the carriage
+and pair) for ever!
+
+_Pump-Handle Court_. (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;
+
+OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.
+
+NO. I.--AT THE ESTATE AGENT'S.
+
+Have you some nice houses to let furnished?--Here is our Catalogue,
+Sir.--I perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses; "sanitation
+perfect;" where is the satisfactory explanation of the fine
+advertisement?--It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).--What
+is "Queen Anne"?--Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but
+Queen Anne is (the) last.--Is then sanitation also something?--It
+is the little game of the big builder; it is all your (my, his,
+her,) eyes.--Can we have some nice furniture?--You can have (the
+furniture of) Chippendale, Sheraton, M'Adam, or Louis-Quinze.--It
+is too dear.--No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the clever
+carpenter.--I was done by you or by your brother; I require a room
+for my mother-in-law (neuter).--The good mother-in-law sleeps in the
+chamber of boxes (box-room), but the evil mother-in-law prefers the
+best bed-room.--How many persons are you?--We are sixteen.--You are,
+indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.--Is not the noble
+drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?--On the contrary,
+it is very lofty. There is room near the chandelier.--Where is
+the "moderate-sized garden"?--It is on the leads with the broken
+flower-pots, the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine
+or feminine).--Is it then much larger than a postage-stamp?--Decidedly
+not, Sir. It is also nearly as sticky. Much rain produces
+weeds.--Where are "the bath-rooms"? I only perceived a
+watering-pot.--Any rooms in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.--What
+is then the price?--The exorbitant client of the first-class agent
+demands four hundred guineas for the season.--It is too much.--He
+would take less in some minutes; but my commission will rest the
+same.--Here are "Commanding mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and
+"Desirable residences."--It is not difficult; the mansion that has a
+back-staircase is commanding, the "Bijou" is for the newly-married, or
+the actress, but the "Desirable residence" is what you desire.--What
+is then the "square hall"?--It is neither round nor oblong; therefore
+it is square. It is likewise in a square.--Is it geometrically the
+same as the Bridge of Asses?--I do not know. Sir.--Where is the
+capital accommodation for the poor servants?--It resembles the
+dark kennel of the sad dog.--What are dilapidations and electric
+light?--The first, Sir, is what you break; the second is what breaks
+_you_.--If I were to let my own house, and then to myself take it,
+would it be on the same terms?--No, the buyer is usually sold, but
+the seller loves the first of April.--If another agent were to let my
+house, would you, likewise, expect commission?--Why not? I am the best
+friend of the little lawyer with the long nose.--I was inquiring of
+you about flats.--It were better that you should be _sharp_, Sir.--I
+was not born yesterday (proverb.)--Right (adjective) you are, Sir; we
+will write (verb) to you till you take or let something, not alone
+I, but also some others; if you refuse me something, I will be very
+discontented.--Have you ever let well alone? (idiom).--We have let
+many things alone (bare), but you must, notwithstanding, pay for
+the fixtures.--I think I will be going.--Here are pens, paper, and
+a form of an attorney.--No, I thank you.--We shall not charge for
+this interview, but one must live.--I do not see the necessity
+(_v_. Anecdotes in Appendix).--The Necessity is the mother of the
+inventory.--Who is the Caretaker?--She is the great-grandmother of the
+superannuated laundress. She becomes sleepy during the Winter. Shall
+we send her to your house?--Not if I know it (expletive). Receive
+the assurance (insurance) of my highest consideration. By the bye
+(interjection), which is the topmost storey?--The topmost story is the
+last thing you have heard me mention. I salute you, Sir.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKEN UPON TRUST.
+
+(_A FAIR-AND-UNFAIRY STORY, FOUNDED UPON A MAGIC ACT._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Once upon a time there existed two fatherless and motherless orphans,
+who were just old enough to work for their living. Unfortunately they
+did not know how to dig, were too proud to beg, and had conscientious
+scruples that prevented them from stealing. Besides, one of the two
+was a girl; and there were not many openings for her. And matters
+would have gone very hard with them, indeed, had not a distant, but
+benevolent relative, kindly died and left them as a legacy a sum of
+money, of which they were to have the interest until they attained
+their majority, when it was to be divided equally between them. They
+were overjoyed, and rushed to the executor, who happened to be a
+lawyer.
+
+"Yes," said the man of costs, "I am indeed charged with the execution
+of the trust, and for your own sakes I hope you will not give me much
+trouble, as I shall, under the conditions of the will, have to make
+you pay for it."
+
+And after he had entered their visit (which he called an attendance)
+in his diary, to be subsequently copied into a ledger, he bowed them
+out.
+
+So the two orphans disappeared a little crestfallen; and they soon
+discovered that their legacy had the faculty of diminishing. The
+lawyer immediately transferred the money, which was invested in
+what he called "second-rate securities," into Consols, and this cost
+something, and considerably diminished their income. When the two
+orphans remonstrated, the lawyer said, that as he made scarcely more
+than out-of-pocket expenses in the matter, he did not feel justified
+in incurring the slightest risk.
+
+"I am only a simple girl," murmured one of the orphans, with a nervous
+blush; "but does not a recent statute give trustees power to invest
+the funds of their _cestui que_ trusts in securities yielding a larger
+return than 23/4 Goschens?"
+
+"Do not bandy words with me, Miss," replied the lawyer, angrily;
+"I shall act as I please, and if you or I ask for the estate to be
+administered, it will cost you a pretty penny."
+
+"Which no doubt will find its way into your pocket," returned the
+maiden, simply. "But surely a 41/2 mortgage on real property can be
+obtained without risk, if you do not act contrary to the provisions of
+the Trustee Relief Act?"
+
+But the lawyer was very angry, and threatened her that if she made any
+further complaint he would appeal to the Chancery Division of the High
+Court of Justice, which would mean, probably, the absorption of the
+entire estate in a gigantic bill of costs.
+
+So, with a sigh, the maiden and her brother retired. That night, as
+she was sitting over the fire, before retiring to rest, she had a
+dream, when a nice-looking old gentleman appeared before her, and
+asked her "why she was so sad?"
+
+"Because we have a lawyer for our trustee, who is most unobliging, and
+expensive. I am afraid, kind Sir, _you_ cannot help us."
+
+"Do not say so until you have perused this scroll," he replied, with a
+benevolent smile, and he gave her a paper. "To-morrow, if your trustee
+again threatens you, and offers to retire, take him at his word. If
+I replace him, I will do all you wish--enter into mortgages, invest
+your capital to the best possible advantage, and make myself generally
+amiable."
+
+"But how shall we pay you for so much kindness?" asked the now
+overjoyed maiden.
+
+"By a tariff fixed by the Government. It will be my duty to do my best
+for you, and I shall have no personal interest in running up costs
+like the common (or garden) kind of family Solicitor."
+
+So the next day, when the lawyer began to threaten to resign, the
+orphans took him at his word, and all that the nice-looking old
+gentleman had foretold came to pass. And when the orphans were getting
+the best possible interest for their money, at a trifling expense, the
+maiden looked at the scroll which had been given to her, and found it
+was inscribed, "The Public Trustee Act."
+
+And, so far as the lawyer, who had been discarded, knew (or cared),
+the maiden and her brother lived happily ever afterwards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+More about DICKENS. By the loving hand of PERCY FITZGERALD the
+Bookmaker,--not sporting, but literary. Of making books, with PERCY
+FITZ there is no end. He is the king of the Bookmakers, _Per se Fitz_.
+This time it is the _History of the Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick
+Club_, published by CHAPMAN AND HALL, and "inscribed"--why not
+"dedicated?"--to HENRY FIELDING DICKENS, son of "The Only One,"
+the Master. _Interesting?_ Of course it is, anything about DICKENS,
+specially in connection with the immortal _Pickwick_, must be
+interesting, and for chatty, gossiping bookmaking we only say, "Give
+us Fitz." He is to the manor born. He is neither romancer nor poet:
+"_poeta nascitur non_ 'Fitz.'" Occasionally FITZ is aggravatingly
+reticent. For instance, at page 16 we read, "_Two or three years
+ago_"--which? two or three?--"_a curious and amusing coincidence
+brought the author's son, a barrister in good practice_"--Which son?
+His name? There were more sons than one: were they all barristers? And
+was this one the only one in good practice?--"_into connection with
+his father's famous book. It occurred at a trial on the Circuit._"
+Which Circuit? Which is "_the_ Circuit"? The Baron, who is now the
+Last of the Barons but one, only asks because the phrase "on Circuit"
+would not have required his query; but "on the Circuit" is another
+pair of shoes. "_A trial_." What trial? When? At p. 17, "_The Judge
+entered into the humour of the thing_"--what Judge? The Baron is
+of opinion that in the well-known advertisement about the Waverley
+Pen, quoted in a note at p. 25, the correct order should be, "_The
+Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pen_"--not Pickwick last. Did
+CHARLES DICKENS ever write to FORSTER that he was "_getting on like a
+house o' fire"?_ Surely this should be a "house a-fire," or "a house
+on fire"; for a "house o' fire" means a "house of fire," which is not
+what the expression is intended to convey. At p. 51, in a note, FITZ
+says, "'_Phiz, Whizz,' or something of that kind, was_ T. HOOD's
+_joke_." Was it? If so, where does the joke come in?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+My friend, the late GEORGE ROSE, better known as "ARTHUR SKETCHLEY,"
+used to say that DICKENS took _Sam Weller_ from (as I understood him)
+a character in one of O'KEEFE's comedies. This statement was given
+on the authority of Mr. BAYLE BERNARD. But I am bound to say I can
+find nothing like _Sam_ in O'KEEFE's; but I have found DICKENS there
+bodily. It is in Sc. 1, Act I. of _Life's Vagaries; or, The Neglected
+Son._ "'Oh!' exclaims FANNY, 'if my papa was to see me--oh!' (_Seeing_
+DICKENS, _runs; he stops her._)" And, oddly enough, in this edition of
+1798, frequently as the above-mentioned character appears, it is "on
+this occasion only" that the name is spelt with an "E."
+
+Mr. FITZGERALD, at p. 136 of this book, says, that an actor named
+SAM VALE, appearing as _Simon Splatterdash_, in a piece called _The
+Boarding-House_, was in the habit of "interlarding his conversation
+with metaphorical illustrations"--and then follow the examples. _The
+Boarding-House_, however, is not by O'KEEFE, but, as appears from a
+note in _Sketches by Boz_, was being performed when DICKENS's short
+tale of _The Boarding-House_ appeared. For my part, I long ago came to
+the conclusion that _Sam Weller_ was absolutely an original creation,
+as far, that is, as anything outside the immaterial realms of fancy
+and fairyland can be an original creation. Our FITZ gives CALVERLEY's
+Examination Paper, and also an Oxford imitation of it, which, however,
+is not by any means up to the CALVERLEY-BLADES mark. There is also a
+preface to _Pickwick_, specially interesting, as not being found in
+later editions. Then our Fitz informs us how many dramatic versions of
+_Pickwick_ there have been, some with and some without music, bringing
+the list down to the latest "Dramatic Cantata" (it oughtn't to have
+been so described, as there was dialogue in it), the music of which
+will always hold a first place among the compositions of the Musical
+Baron's friend claiming to be the gifted descendant of the Wise and
+Musical King SOLOMON.
+
+Altogether a vote of thanks should be presented to Mr. PERCY
+FITZGERALD for his entertaining, instructive, and most readable book
+on the immortal _Pickwick_, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION.
+
+_Husband_ (_off to Paris_). "DON'T CRY, DARLING. IT'S _TOO_ SAD TO
+LEAVE YOU, I _KNOW_! BUT YOU CAN TALK TO ME THERE JUST AS IF WE WERE
+TOGETHER--ONLY BE CAREFUL, AS IT'S EXPENSIVE!"
+
+_Wife_. "IS IT, DARLING? HA-HA-HADN'T YOU BETTER LEAVE ME A FEW BLANK
+CHEQUES?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TALKING BY TIME.
+
+The growing pressure of the business having already obliged the
+Belgium Postal Authorities to cut down the time allowed for a
+telephonic communication between Paris and Brussels, from five minutes
+to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of public patronage that
+may be expected when the wire is opened between London and the French
+Capital, will soon necessitate the substitution, in place of the
+promised ten minutes, of an allowance to each speaker of a minute,
+or at most a minute and a half for his interview, which it may
+confidently be expected will not unfrequently take the following
+shape:--
+
+_Inexorable Official_. Now, Sir; your turn next.
+
+    [_Shuts intending London Talker in, and switches him "on."_
+
+_London Talker_. Dear me! How quick they are, one hardly knows what
+one is about. I wonder how loud, now, one ought to speak. Better
+shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first. (_At the top of his voice through
+the tube._) Hullo! Hi! I say. Are you there?
+
+_Paris Listener_ (_replying_). Oh! don't bawl like that. Of course I'm
+here, I've been waiting quite half a minute; thought you were never
+going to begin. But I suppose it is JONES I am speaking to?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh yes, I'm JONES. It's all right. But can't you
+recognise my voice?
+
+_Paris Listener_. Not when you bawl fit to break the drum of one's
+ear. But come, now, get on quick with what you want to say.
+
+_London Talker_. All right--I'll get on. But now tell me, do I pitch
+my voice about right now? Can you catch distinctly all I say?
+
+_Paris Listener_. Oh yes! Bother! But do get on. Timesgoifast.
+
+_London Talker_. What? I didn't catch that last word. Time's what?
+
+_Paris Listener_ (_very distinctly, with emphasis_). I
+said--that--time--was--going fast. Can you hear that?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh yes, I can hear that, and most distinctly. Really,
+it is a most wonderful invention.
+
+_Paris Listener_. Oh, bother the invention! Do come to business! What
+did you want me for?
+
+_London Talker_. Oh. of course. Well, it was just this. I thought--
+
+_Inexorable Official_. Time's up, Sir. Trouble you to make room for
+this Lady.
+
+    [_Switches him "off," and turns him out._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"
+
+Mr. JOHN BULL _loquitur_:--
+
+  "Love me, love my Dog!" Well, _I_ don't want to flog
+    The fine but excitable fellow.
+  With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail
+    To bounce round a bit, and to bellow.
+  I'd do my square best with the greatest good will,
+  If only he'd--just for a moment--stand still.
+
+  Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip
+    On one's caudal appendage? Ah, just so!
+  I know 'tis a task that seems _too_ much to ask.
+    I'm reasonable,--or I trust so.
+  But there _is_ the Lobster, it's holding on fast.
+  And--hang it! this state of affairs cannot last!
+
+  How came it about? That's a matter of doubt,
+    Which there isn't much use in discussing,
+  To part them's my aim; I would manage that same
+    Without either fighting or fussing.
+  Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it nice
+  To live very long with its tail in a vice!
+
+  I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear!
+    The Dog to my call won't attend. I
+  Conceive, if he would, it might be for his good,
+    I'd hit on some _modus vivendi_.
+  But if Dog _won't_ stand still, and if Lobster _won't_ loose,
+  My heartiest help cannot be of much use.
+
+  One ANDROCLES bold eased a lion of old
+    Of a thorn in his foot--a great worry!
+  But ANDROCLES, sure, would have failed of a cure
+    If poor Leo had kept on the scurry,
+  As you, my dear Dog, do at present. _Verb. sap.!_
+  Do just let me _get at_ the Lobster, old chap!
+
+  While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle and wail,
+    And romp all around, the best master,
+  And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't part.
+    _Don't_ think I deride your disaster!
+  The pinch of it might make an elephant prance;
+  No, all that I ask is--_just give me a chance!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"
+
+JOHN BULL. "IF I COULD ONLY GET HIM TO STAND STILL, I COULD SOON
+SETTLE THE LOBSTER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TEN MINUTES' IDYL.
+
+  Life is a farce, a dreary round,
+    A fraud--of that there's not a doubt,
+  Although I've only lately found
+                     It out.
+
+  Bad boldly masquerades as good,
+    Fruit turns to ashes in the taking,
+  Unpleasant very is the rude
+                     Awaking.
+
+  'Tis Spring, when something, so one learns,
+    Seems to affect the burnished dove,
+  And when a young man's fancy turns
+                     To love.
+
+  With window open to the breeze,
+    The tramp of passers-by unheeding,
+  I sit reclining at mine ease,
+                     A-reading.
+
+  I've read enough--and not amiss
+    I rather fancy now would be
+  A little rest--ah! what is this
+                     I see?
+
+  A sight that's almost past belief,
+    And makes me think I must be raving,
+  For there a girl a handkerchief
+                     Is waving!
+
+  Like to a light that in the black
+    And inky night shines o'er the main,
+  It disappears, and then comes back
+                     Again.
+
+  I know the house quite well--I've heard
+    Her father's something in the City,
+  And she's a blue-eyed girl absurd-
+                     -ly pretty.
+
+  By Jove! she does it with a whirr,
+    It's clear this inexpressive she
+  Is given to the _fortiter_
+                     _In re_.
+
+  Of course it's forward--and indeed
+    It's worse--it's shockingly imprudent
+  Thus to encourage me, a need-
+                      -y student.
+
+  Her form is shadowy--I must
+    Get out my glasses, so to bring
+  Her nearer. Yes--the range is just
+                     The thing!
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Life is a farce, without a doubt!
+    The cause of all this fuss and fluster
+  Is just a housemaid shaking out
+                     Her duster!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THEIR EASTER EGGS.
+
+_Lord Salisbury_.--Allegorical Cartoon representing BRITANNIA
+astonished at the success of her recent Foreign Policy.
+
+_Mr. Gladstone_.--Pocket Edition of Cyclopaedia of Universal
+Information, copiously illustrated, for the use of veteran Statesmen.
+
+_The Emperor of Germany_.--Prize Homily on the Art of Governing, with
+special reference to the science as applied to the subordination of
+"temper."
+
+_Mr. Parnell_.--Sculptured Group representing the Reptile of Egotism
+turning the tables on St. Patrick, and endeavouring to drive him out
+of Ireland.
+
+_The President of the United States_.--An Italian Iron--over-heated.
+
+_Ex-King Milan of Servia_.--A Monthly Cheque for amusement and
+travelling expenses, but not including a return ticket to Belgrade.
+
+_The Post-Master-General_.--One hundred Receipts for getting into hot
+water.
+
+_Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris_.--Draft Proposal for buying up and
+working the British Government with duly audited Schedule, showing how
+the "takings" could be more than doubled by spirited management.
+
+_Mr. Jackson of Clitheroe_.--Prize Farce entitled, "Lynch Law and
+Conjugal Rights."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--
+
+TO DINNER.
+
+(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._)
+
+NO. III.--THE GREAT UNKNOWN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  _He_ was a dapper, dumpy thing,
+    With nought decisive on him graven
+  But smiles, like footlights flickering
+              O'er visage shaven.
+
+  And _it_, that kind of social myth
+    Where every guest (and each a rum one)
+  Is Somebody, because the kith
+              Or kin of Someone.
+
+  The Great Siberian Victim's Aunt,
+    The Godfather of Colonel CODY,
+  And some affinity I can't
+              Recall to DAUDET.
+
+  In fine, a Tussaud's once removed,
+    Not waxworks, but their far connections;
+  The names, the attitudes, approved,
+              But mere reflections.
+
+  Our hostess, wont to pedigree
+    Her portents, slurred his surname sweetly;
+  So up my smiler tripped--to me
+              Unknown completely.
+
+  Thus mystified, I needs must bruit
+    The weather--"It was rainy, rather."
+  "Yes," he rejoined, "It does not suit
+              My Poet-father:
+
+  "Strange how the damp affects great men;
+    My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist,
+  You know paints always smartest when
+              It rains the smartest."
+
+  "In _water_-colours?" feebly next
+    I faltered, falling quite to pieces:
+  "No, no," he murmured mildly vexed,
+              "_You_ mean my nieces.
+
+  "Those delicate young paintresses
+    Of Idyls in Cobalt and Bistre,
+  Though for Impressionist success,
+              Give me my sister.
+
+  "My nephew, he's inspired of course,
+    Divine, quite _autre chose: en bref_ you--
+  Forgive an uncle's pride--perforce
+              Adore my nephew."
+
+  Reeling with Relatives, I quite
+    My compass lost: to shift our bearing,
+  "Who is the Lady on your right?"
+              Quoth I, despairing.
+
+  "That Beauty, like the portraits I've
+    For sale beheld of Miss BELLE BILTON."--
+  "She? She's the representative,
+              The last, of MILTON!"
+
+  This was too much: what _could_ I try
+    To burst from such a tangled tether?
+  The shops for neutral ground, thought I,
+              Eclipse the weather.
+
+  The shops! The very thing. I dared
+    The shops. "How wonderful was WHITELEY!"
+  Dazed at the Wizard's name he stared,
+              And shuddered slightly.
+
+  A silence froze his ready twang:
+    No more he smiled--from that fell minute,
+  HENRY THE FIRST--to speak in slang--
+              Was scarcely in it.
+
+  That smilelessness! What meant the curse?
+    Who could the skein unravel? I did.
+  This was the Diner "Univers-
+              -ally provided."
+
+  Renowned, if nameless--hired to be
+    Salvation of a banquet's ruin,
+  "Monsieur Le Quatorzieme" took me,
+              And may take you in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MERRY GREEN WOOD.
+
+_AN "EPPING FOREST" CHORUS._
+
+    "For ever and again the Corporation of London send down their
+    _proteges_, the young City sportsmen who may, or may not, know
+    how to load a gun, but who are very keen on 'Sport.' Then the
+    herds are driven by beaters towards the gallant huntsmen, the
+    forest re-echoes with the report of guns, and next day you
+    can trace the whereabouts of the wounded bucks and deer by
+    tracks of blood among the bushes, and by impressions on the
+    grass where the maimed creature has fallen in its flight for
+    life."--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+_Chorus of Huntsmen._
+
+  Oh, we like,--we love the Merry Green Wood,
+    As should Huntsmen bold of the proper sort!
+  And we would hit the stag _if we possibly could_,--
+    As is meet with such palpable sons of Sport.
+  Away to the forest we cheerily run,
+    And wait for the beaters' welcome cry;
+  And though we are new to the use of a gun,
+  What matters? At anything we'll let fly!
+  So Sing hey, sing ho, for the startled deer;
+  We warrant we'll hit him, if _he_ comes near
+  And we'll send him lame and limping away,
+  With a shot he'll remember for many a day!
+  For marry come up! But it would be absurd
+  To expect a bold Sportsman to bag the whole herd!
+  So he blazes away; and he hits one or two;
+  And they hobble away in some thicket to lie,
+  And, after a day or two's suffering, die;
+  We don't see precisely what more we could do,
+  Than shout that "we love the Merry Green Wood!"
+  And would settle the stag,--_if we possibly could!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following advertisement appears in the _Standard_:--
+
+    A Lady wishes to have twice from the country a SUPPLY of LIVE
+    SPARROWS, for a favourite cat.--Address, &c.
+
+There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty look about this "Lady's"
+desire to supply her favourite cat with some downright real Sport. For
+it is to be presumed that she intends her well-cared for pet literally
+to do the unhappy sparrows to death in the most approved fashion. How
+will she manage it? Clip their wings, and set them on the drawing-room
+floor; or tie strings to their legs, and let the favourite cat "go for
+them?" Cats must be fed. But it is not necessary to provide them with
+a "Supply of Live Sparrows" twice, or even once. We submit the subject
+to the notice of the S.P.C.A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE POUND NOTES.--Probable rate that a fashionable _prima donna_ will
+charge for a song in the near future.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APRIL FOOLS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY!
+
+_Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman loquitur_:--
+
+  Yesh, HARRY LAWSHUN mosh entirely righ'!
+  WILFRIDSH mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh'
+  Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw snakesh.
+  Frigh'ful to watch 'em wrigglung, when one wakesh
+  Over the quilterpane--I mean counterquilt.
+  Liqnorsh are lovely, when you're that waysh built;
+  But snakesh ish pizen! So ish liquorsh, too--
+  Leastwaysh, so WILFRIDSH LAWSHON and hish crew
+  Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash'ral Museum,
+  Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee 'em!
+  All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twirls, and twiddles;
+  Tails like long corkscrewsh, gogglesh in their middles;
+  Big headsh, and bony bodysh--frigh'fully frisky!
+  Fancy sush things living in Irish Whishky,
+  Like animalcu--what's it? in--_hic_--water!
+  No matter! I've sworn offsh! POLLY, my daughter,
+  Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now!
+  To Heaven's broad blue vault I lift my brow,
+  A shober Br--Bri'sh Workman! So old DUMPER,
+  The lecturer, putsh it. He'sh a rare tub-thumper!
+  Itsh Easter Shunday, and I am not tigh'!
+  Bri'sh Workman--Nash'ral Museum! Thatsh or'righ'.
+  Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed ginger-beer
+  Gassysh--go i' my head an' makesh me queer!
+  One nipsh!--no, no! won't do! Wherream I? Lor!
+  Strai' on, the plishman says, through tha' there door.
+  Doorsh blesshed wide, and these 'ere big shop-cases
+  With bitsh o' stone and beedlesh!--Yah! Thosh faces!
+  Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and bony!
+  Thosh wrigglewigglements! I'll bet a pony
+  _Thish_ ish no Nash'ral Museum--Nash--_hic_--ral Hishtory!
+  Look at 'em! _Look_ at 'em!! Oh, hersh a mystery!
+  POLLYSH,--where are yer? Where'sh that blesshed bottle?
+  I'vesh got a peck o' March dust down my throttle.
+  Give ush that gin--ger beersh, o' course, I mean.
+  Look, POLLY!--shee that creature long and lean,
+  Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it
+  With thish 'ere Bri's'h Museum! Wai' a minute!
+  Where am I? Whersh tha' girl? Can't read this lingo!
+  "Mega--" It moves! _Got 'em again, by Jingo!!!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON.
+
+(_At the Natural History Museum._)
+
+_Visitor_. "HULLO! I SAY, I'VE GOT 'EM AGIN! GI' ME THE BLUE RIBBON!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+_March 10_.--It has come at last, and I'm free to confess I don't care
+for it half as much as I thought I should. I got the letter five days
+ago. Here it is:--
+
+    45, _Main Street, Billsbury, March 4, 18--._
+
+Sir,--I have been in communication with headquarters, and I am
+informed that you are looking out for a Constituency at the next
+General Election. We have been for some time past endeavouring to
+find a Candidate for this Borough, and should be glad to hear if we
+may submit your name to the consideration of our local Council. The
+political history of Billsbury must be known to you. Up to the date of
+the last election we have always been represented by a Conservative.
+In fact, Billsbury was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress
+of sound Constitutional opinion.
+
+Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the Constituency
+the time and attention it required. Moreover, I may mention in strict
+confidence, that his conduct over the Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme
+alienated a considerable number of his supporters, and the consequence
+was that at the last election Sir THOMAS CHUBSON, the Liberal
+Candidate and present Member for Billsbury, was elected by a majority
+of 279. Since then, however, the Party has rallied, the divisions in
+our ranks have been healed, the registrations have been very much in
+our favour, and there is no reason to doubt that, as soon as Billsbury
+has the chance, she will return to her ancient allegiance. I shall
+be in London the day after to-morrow (Thursday, March 6), and shall
+do myself the honour of calling upon you. Kindly let me know where
+and when I can see you. I shall be glad to afford you any further
+information.
+
+    Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND,
+
+_To RICHARD B. PATTLE, Esq., President Billsbury Conservative
+Association. Dr. Johnson Buildings, Temple, E.C._
+
+I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged me
+to accept, and told me that even if I failed, which they said was
+extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an irresistible claim
+on the Party." Afterwards saw VULLIAMY, the Member for one of the
+Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of course you must. Ridiculous
+to hesitate. A youngster like you, who only left College four years
+ago, ought to be proud of the chance. If you're beaten you'll have a
+claim on the Party, and mind you don't let 'em forget it. Curse them,
+they never think of a man's valuable services if he doesn't keep on
+reminding them himself;" and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an
+hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how "the shabby beggars"
+had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It seems the other
+side manage their business much better. Next I called on Uncle HENRY
+in the City. He said he'd stick to his promise of paying half my
+expenses, but wouldn't help me to nurse the place. However, I daresay
+that won't cost much. Eventually wrote to Old TOLLAND, and asked
+him to call at my Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home
+and told my mother. She said, "My darling boy, I knew you would be
+distinguished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had only
+lived, he would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind you have that
+horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery." And with that she
+kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the news. I sloped.
+
+On Thursday Old TOLLAND called. It seems he's an Alderman, and I
+only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted to know, What were my
+views on the Labour Question? Was I an Eight Hours' man? How about
+Vaccination and Woman's Suffrage? and all kinds of other rubbish.
+I had to beat about a good deal, and answer generally, but at last
+I consented to address the Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the
+day. If accepted, I shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go
+through it all again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose
+it's the usual way.
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RIGHTS OF COUNSEL.
+
+(_BY A CLIENT_.)
+
+  Oh, what are the "rights" of the Q.C.?
+  The point of the question but few see.
+        Those rights are to do
+        What suits _him_, if not _you_!
+  Faith! that's the whole business _in nuce_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOKIN'S LATEST.--"The Surplus will be anything but a _dry_ subject
+this year, as it is owing to a steady or (probably) unsteady
+consumption of Drink!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 23_.--Easter Holidays begin
+to-morrow; to-night last rally round RAIKES; Postmaster harried from
+both sides of House; the Contumacious COBB begins it; comments on
+Coroner's conduct beginning to pall on accustomed appetite; references
+to delicate investigation in judicial circles falling flat; so turns
+upon POSTMASTER-GENERAL. Wants to know about the Boy Messengers?
+Pack in full cry; RAIKES pelted with newspapers, assailed with
+over-weighted letters; late at night CAMERON comes up quite
+fresh, desiring to "call attention to the position taken up by the
+POSTMASTER-GENERAL with regard to the Electric Call and Boy Messenger
+System," just as if he had at the moment made the discovery.
+
+[Illustration: "Wonderful!"]
+
+In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol; explains
+it's the thing you work the electric call with. You press a button
+here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda; another button, and you
+have a sausage and a hot potato; a third, and your boots are suddenly
+pulled off by an unseen agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated
+in a hansom cab, with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay
+your fare withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the
+morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with the
+machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who ought to have
+been called at this hour.
+
+GANE, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat entranced, listening to
+this interesting narrative, and watching the illustrations rapidly
+produced by CAMERON, as he touched the various buttons.
+
+"Wonderful!" cried GANE, Q.C. "Never knew anything like it since I
+read _Arabian Nights_."
+
+"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON.
+
+Must think this over during the Recess.
+
+For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House, falling
+into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy tale.
+
+[Illustration: The Pillary Post.]
+
+"It's only postponed, TOBY," he said, wearily, CAMERON (having
+accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly carried off to
+bed in the middle of a sentence; "they'll be at me again to-morrow,
+and will begin once more, like giants refreshed, when they come back
+from the holidays. It's an old story; the House of Commons must always
+have its whipping-boy. Don't know whether you've sat long enough for
+Barks to remember AYRTON? A dead set was made against him, and he
+was not only driven out of office, but forth from public life. It's
+generally the HOME SECRETARY who is fastened on. There was WALPOLE,
+chronically reduced to tears. BRUCE was chivied by the cabmen, and
+had his hat blocked by the publicans. The blameless HARCOURT didn't
+go scot free whilst he was at the Home Office. MATTHEWS has had a long
+run, with the hounds after him. Now they've turned aside from him,
+and are yelping after me. It's very well for MATTHEWS, but a little
+worrying for me. Of course I don't claim to be perfect. As HARCOURT
+once admitted of himself, I'm almost human, I try to do my duty, and
+protect the interests of Department committed to my charge. They come
+in touch with all classes, and naturally there is friction. Just now
+the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised. Perhaps it'll fall
+away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather wearing, so pitilessly
+monotonous. As you said the other day, a new constitutional maxim
+has been established. Once OLD MORALITY used to write in his
+copybook, 'The QUEEN can Do no Wrong.' Now he may add this
+other, 'The POSTMASTER-GENERAL Does Nothing Right.'" _Business
+done._--Miscellaneous.
+
+_Tuesday Afternoon_.--Winding up business before holiday; rather a
+scramble at the end. OLD MORALITY, as usual, piled up heap of work
+to be got through. "Quite easy, you know," he said. "Tithes Bill,
+Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill, Savings Bank Bill, take them
+in your stride. What does the poet say? Line upon Line; Little by
+Little; Here to-day and gone To-morrow. Those are the sound economical
+principles that should guide a man through life."
+
+At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here to-day, we
+wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last stage took a lot
+of fighting over. House wouldn't have Electoral Disabilities Removal
+Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at any price.
+
+"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in despair.
+
+[Illustration: "Stole Away!"]
+
+"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled out
+manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the under-pay
+of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST folded his tent
+like the Arab, and as silently stole away. Example followed generally
+by Members in all parts of the House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying
+himself, composedly went on to end of speech, and then adjournment.
+SPEAKER "kept in" till Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal
+Commission. Rest off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.
+
+_Business done_.--Wound up for Easter Holidays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRITICISING THE CALENDAR.
+
+SIR,--The suggestion of your Correspondent "EASTER EGG," who
+wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming on April 20, is
+excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the other tide, depends on
+the moon. What a humiliating confession! Why should we any longer
+consent to be the slaves of the (so-called) Science of Astronomy?
+
+    Yours, REFORMING SPIRIT.
+
+SIR,--What's all this fuss about Easter being too early this year?
+It isn't half early enough. It ought to have come last Christmas,
+and Whitsuntide the same, and then we should have polished off three
+public holiday seasons--public nuisances, _I_ call them,--at once.
+
+    Yours, gloomily, TRUE PHILANTHROPIST.
+
+SIR,--I have just been horrified to hear that one of my boys now at
+home from school remains with us for a three weeks' vacation! The
+early date of Easter is the paltry excuse offered by his Headmaster
+for this infliction. Anybody can see through such a flimsy pretext.
+His brother is to have _his_ holiday four weeks later. The result is
+that the boys will see nothing of each other during their holidays,
+while their parents will see a great deal too much. How can brotherly
+affection--I say nothing of fatherly affection,--that priceless
+blessing, which I flatter myself I always conspicuously display--be
+expected to continue under these depressing conditions?
+
+    Yours, exasperatedly, FOND PARENT.
+
+SIR,--As peeple are riting lettres to you about the Easter holy-days,
+I should like you to put in what old BOREHAM--he's our Principul--has
+been doing. We all think it a thundring shame. He kept us grinding
+away right through Good Friday, Easter Monday, and means us to go
+on several weeks afterwards! The result was we had about half a Hot
+Cross-Bun each! Old BOREHAM akshally fixed Easter Monday for going
+over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese would you say something in
+your valyble collums about old BOREHAM, and oblige
+
+    Yours, obedjiently, SMITH (_Tertius_), _Rodchester_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+100, April 4, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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