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diff --git a/13297-0.txt b/13297-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..97a87f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1433 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13297 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +April 4, 1891. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE._) + +NO. II.-NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVÖIT). + +ACT I. + + _A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture. Gimcracks + in an étagère; a festoon of chenille monkeys hanging from + the gaselier. Japanese fans, skeletons, cotton-wool spiders, + frogs, and lizards, scattered everywhere about. Drain-pipes + with tall dyed grasses. A porcelain stove decorated with + transferable pictures. Showily-bound books in book-case. + Window. The Visitors' bell rings in the hall outside. The + hall-door is heard to open, and then to shut. Presently + NORA walks in with parcels; a Porter carries a large + Christmas-tree after her--which he puts down. NORA gives + him a shilling--and he goes out grumbling. NORA hums + contentedly, and eats macaroons. Then HELMER puts his + head out of his Manager's room, and NORA hides macaroons + cautiously._ + +_Helmer_ (_playfully_). Is that my little squirrel twittering--that my +lark frisking in here? + +_Nora_. Ess! (_To herself._) I have only been married eight years, so +these marital amenities have not yet had time to pall! + +[Illustration: "Boo!"] + +_Helmer_ (_threatening with his finger_). I hope the little bird has +surely not been digging its beak into any macaroons, eh? + +_Nora_ (_bolting one, and wiping her mouth_). No, most certainly not. +(_To herself_.) The worst of being so babyish is--one _does_ have to +tell such a lot of taradiddles! (_To H._) See what _I_'ve bought--it's +been _such_ fun! + + [_Hums._ + +_Helmer_ (_inspecting parcels_). H'm--rather an _expensive_ little +lark! + + [_Takes her playfully by the ear._ + +_Nora_. Little birds like to have a flutter occasionally. Which +reminds me--(_Plays with his coat-buttons._) I'm such a simple ickle +sing--but if you _are_ thinking of giving me a Christmas present, make +it cash. + +_Helmer_. Just like your poor father, _he_ always asked me to make it +cash--he never made any himself! It's heredity, I suppose. Well--well! + + [_Goes back to his Bank. NORA goes on humming._ + + _Enter Mrs. LINDEN, doubtfully._ + +_Nora_. What, CHRISTINA--why, how old you look! But then you are +poor. I'm not. TORVALD has just been made a Bank Manager. (_Tidies the +room._) Isn't it really wonderfully delicious to be well off? But, +of course, you wouldn't know. _We_ were poor once, and, do you know, +when TORVALD was ill, I--(_tossing her head_)--though I _am_ such a +frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I actually borrowed £300 for +him to go abroad. Wasn't _that_ clever? Tra-la-la! I shan't tell you +_who_ lent it. I didn't even tell TORVALD. I am such a mere baby I +don't tell him everything. I tell Dr. RANK, though. Oh, I'm so awfully +happy I should like to shout, "Dash it all!" + +_Mrs. Linden_ (_stroking her hair_). Do--it is a natural and innocent +outburst--you are such a child! But I am a widow, and want employment. +_Do_ you think your husband could find me a place as clerk in his +Bank? (_Proudly._) I am an excellent knitter! + +_Nora_. That would really be awfully funny. (_To HELMER, who +enters._) TORVALD, this is CHRISTINA; she wants to be a clerk in your +Bank--_do_ let her! She thinks such a lot of _you_. (_To herself._) +Another taradiddle! + +_Helmer_. She is a sensible woman, and deserves encouragement. Come +along, Mrs. LINDEN, and we'll see what we can do for you. + +[_He goes out through the hall with Mrs. L., and the front-door is +heard to slam after them._ + +_Nora_ (_opens door, and calls_). Now, EMMY, IVAR, and BOB, come +in and have a romp with Mamma--we will play hide-and-seek. (_She +gets under the table, smiling in quiet satisfaction; KROGSTAD +enters--NORA pounces out upon him_). Boo!... Oh, I _beg_ your +pardon. I don't do this kind of thing _generally_--though I may be a +little silly! + +_Krogstad_ (_politely_). Don't mention it. I called because I happened +to see your husband go out with MRS. LINDEN--from which, being a +person of considerable penetration, I infer that he is about to give +her my post at the Bank. Now, as you owe me the balance of £300, +for which I hold your acknowledgment, you will see the propriety of +putting a stop to this little game at once. + +_Nora_. But I don't at all--not a little wee bit! I'm so childish, you +know--why _should_ I? [_Sitting upright on carpet._ + +_Krogs._ I will try to make it plain to the meanest capacity. When +you came to me for the loan, I naturally required some additional +security. Your father, being a shady Government official, without a +penny--for, if he had possessed one, he would, presumably, have left +it to you--without a penny, then, I, as a cautious man of business, +insisted upon having his signature as a surety. Oh, we Norwegians are +sharp fellows! + +_Nora_. Well, you _got_ Papa's signature, didn't you? + +_Krogs._ Oh, I _got_ it right enough. Unfortunately, it was dated +three days after his decease--now, how do you account for _that_? + +_Nora_. How? Why, as poor Papa was dead, and couldn't sign, I signed +_for_ him, that's all! Only somehow I forgot to put the date back. +_That's_ how. Didn't I _tell_ you I was a silly, unbusinesslike little +thing? It's very simple. + +_Krogs._ Very--but what you did amounts to forgery, notwithstanding. +I happen to know, because I'm a lawyer, and have done a little in the +forging way myself. So, to come to the point--if _I_ get kicked out, I +shall not go alone! [_He bows, and goes out._ + +_Nora_. It _can't_ be wrong! Why no one but KROGSTAD would have been +taken in by it! If the Law says it's wrong, the Law's a goose--a +bigger goose than poor little me even! (_To HELMER, who enters_.) +Oh, TORVALD, how you made me jump! + +_Helmer_. Has anybody called? (_NORA shakes her head_.) Oh, my little +squirrel mustn't tell naughty whoppers! Why, I just met that fellow +KROGSTAD in the hall. He's been asking you to get me to take him +back--now, hasn't he? + +_Nora_ (_walking about_). Do just see how pretty the Christmas-tree +looks! + +_Helmer_. Never mind the tree--I want to have this out about KROGSTAD. +I can't take him back, because many years ago he forged a name. As a +lawyer, a close observer of human nature, and a Bank Manager, I have +remarked that people who forge names seldom or never confide the fact +to their children--which inevitably brings moral contagion into the +entire family. From which it follows, logically, that KROGSTAD has +been poisoning his children for years by acting a part, and is morally +lost. (_Stretches out his hands to her._) I can't bear a morally lost +Bank-cashier about me! + +_Nora_. But you never thought of dismissing him till CHRISTINA came! + +_Helmer_. H'm! I've got some business to attend to--so good-bye, +little lark! [_Goes into office and shuts door._ + +_Nora_ (_pale with terror_). If KROGSTAD poisons his children because +he once forged a name, I must be poisoning EMMY, and BOB, and IVAR, +because _I_ forged Papa's signature! (_Short pause; she raises +her head proudly._) After all, if I _am_ a doll, I can still +draw a logical induction! I mustn't play with the children any +more--(_hotly_)--I don't care--I _shall_, though! Who cares for +KROGSTAD? + + [_She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as Curtain + falls._ + +N.B.--The tremendous psychological problem of whether NORA is as much +of a doll, a squirrel, and a lark, as she seems, and if so, whether +it is her own fault, or HELMER's or Society's, will be solved in +subsequent numbers. + + * * * * * + +BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.--At last by the authority of the L.C.C. his +Grace of BEDFORD has been notified that within three months from +now "Locks, bolts, and bars must fly asunder" in the parish of St. +Pancras, where henceforth existence of all such obstruction is to +cease. We hope that the gate-keepers, whose occupation is gone, have +been amply provided for, as they will now have no gates, but only +themselves to keep. _Mr. Punch_ has persistently advocated the reform. +And now, Gentlemen, how about Mud Salad Market, which, like Scotland +in _Macbeth's_ time, "stands where it did"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASCINATION! + +"APOLLONIUS, by some probable conjectures, found her out to be a +serpent, a Lamia; and that all her furniture was, like Tantalus's +gold described by HOMER, no substance, but mere illusion."--_Burton's +Anatomy of Melancholy._] + + A LAMIA, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most unequivocal, betray the + Snake; + As fell ophidian as in fierce meridian of Afric ever lurked in swamp or + brake; + And yet Corinthian LYCIUS never doted on the white-throated charmer of + his soul + With blinder passion than our fools of Fashion + Feel for this gruesome ghoul. + + Poor LYCIUS had excuse. Who might refuse worship to Lamia, "now a lady + bright"? + But foul-fanged here, fierce-eyed, a shape of fear, the serpent stands, + revealed to general sight, + A loathly thing, close knotted ring on ring, of guise unlovely, and + infectious breath; + And yet strong witchery draws to those wide jaws + Whose touch is shameful death. + + See how the flattering things on painted wings, foolish as gnat-swarms + near the shrivelling blaze, + Flock nearer, nearer! Forms, too, quainter, queerer, frog-dupes of folly, + rabbit-thralls of craze, + Butterfly triflers, gay-plumed would-be riflers of golden chalices, of + poisoned flowers, + Flitter and flutter in delirium utter, + As drawn by wizard powers. + + Oh, "Painted Lady," Summer coverts shady, the greenwood home, the sweep + of sunny fields, + A butterfly befit; but where's the wit that mire-befouled to the + swamp-demon yields? + Oh, birds of Iris-glitter, black and bitter will be the wakening when + those gaudy plumes + Fall crushed and leaden, as your senses deaden + In poisonous Python fumes! + + Ye _gobemouche_ creatures of batrachian features, who "go a-wooing" such + a fate as this, + Have ye no vision of that doom's decision? Have ye no ear for rattle or + for hiss? + Salammbô's craving, morbid and enslaving, was sanity compared with your + mad love, + As well the swallow the fierce shrike might follow, + Or hawk be chased by dove! + + Tantalus' gold is all such Lamias hold; 'tis Devil's dice such Mammon + vassals throw; + A sordid fever fires each fool-believer in the gross glitter, the unholy + glow. + Vile is your Dagon! Circe's venomed flagon embruted less than doth the + Lamia's wine, + Than Comus' cup more perilous to sup-- + As snakes are worse than swine. + + The poet's snake enchanted, who so flaunted her borrowed robes amidst the + daffodils, + Hath piteous touches. She, from Fate's clutches, free some brief space, + "escaped from so sore ills," + Moves our compassion. But this modern fashion of Snake Enchanter looks + unlovely all. + Greed's inspiration its sole fascination. + Low selfishness its thrall. + + "A Serpent!" So the Sophist murmured low, and "LYCIUS' arms were empty of + delight," + LAMIA had fled! Would that some sage cool head, some modern APOLLONIUS, + with the might + Of sense magnanimous, would banish thus the bestial Lamia of our later day, + Whose fascination draws a noble nation + To sordid slow decay! + + * * * * * + +DANTE NOT "IN IT"!--The Italian language is to be excluded from the +Indian Civil Service Examination. "The story is extant, and written +in very choice Italian," said _Hamlet_, and SHAKSPEARE knew that the +reference would be intelligible to his audience. But _Hamlet_ "up to +date" in this "so-called nineteenth century" would be compelled to +give the speech thus, "The original story, I believe, is written in +the Italian language, with which none of us here are acquainted." +But, after all, the candidates may be inclined to adapt the +Gilbert-Sullivan words and music to the occasion, and sing-- + + "So, in spite of all temptation, + At the next examination + They'll bar I-tal-i-an!" + +Though, years hence, it may happen that they'll be sorry they weren't +compelled to get up Italian as one of the subjects. + + * * * * * + +"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOUR OF EASE!"--which line would make a suitable +motto for our very useful, chatty, and interesting weekly contemporary +entitled _Woman. À propos_ of "headings," the only one in the +above-mentioned publication to which objection can possibly be taken +"on the face of it" is "Wrinkles." Wouldn't "Whispers" be better? It +is quite enough for _Woman_ to appear with lines, but it's too bad +that wrinkles should be added while she is yet so young. + + * * * * * + +"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."--Once again occurs an illustration of the +applicability of Dickensian characters to modern instances. In last +Thursday's _Times_, by special Razzle-Dalziel wire, we read of the +return of another great Arctic explorer, Mr. WASHBURTON PIKE, after +having braved dangers demanding the most dauntless courage. Here, +then, are two single gentlemen rolled into one: it is _Pike_ and +_Pluck_ combined. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEATUS POSSIDENS. + +"I'VE COME ABOUT A JOB. I HEARD THERE WAS A BOY WANTED." + +"OH, YOU 'EARD AS THERE WAS A BOY WANTED, DID YER? THEN YOU'RE JUST +TOO LATE, 'COS MASTER'S SOOTED!"] + + * * * * * + +WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION. + +1. The earliest specimen of the Birch. (_Suggested by a Merry Swish +Boy._) + +2. Salt-cellar used for holding the Salt at Montem time. + +3. Specimen of Haberdashery, from an Eton "Sock" shop. + +4. Model of the most powerful "Long-glass" from "Tap." + +5. Chips from the Earliest Block, with authentic history of Etonian +Original Transgression, or "First Fault." + +6. Documents tracing the connection between "Pop" and the Pawnbroking +business. + +7. Specimen of Lower Boy's Hat, with motto, "_Sub Tegmine Fag-I!_" + +8. Portraits of Eminent "Sitters" on Fourth of June and Election +Saturday in the early part of present century. + +9. Scull of a "Wet-Bob" originally feathered. + +10. A copy (perfect and signed) of another boy's verses. (N.B. Not +very scarce.) + +11. Portraits of eminent Landlords who, acting on SHERIDAN's advice, +have "kept up the Xtopher." + +12. Also, portrait, with life and times of the crabbed old Thames +Waterman, known on the river as "Surly HALL." + + [Any future suggestions that maybe sent to us will be entirely + at the service of the Duke of FIFE and others, interested in + promoting this most interesting exhibition.] + + * * * * * + +A PUBLISHER AND HIS FRIENDS.--In order to worthily celebrate the +hearty reception, by the critics and the public generally, of this +most interesting and successful work, the present representatives of +the great publishing firm of MURRAY will give a grand banquet, and, +with SMILES, will sing in chorus the once popular refrain, "We are a +Murray family, we are, we are, we are!" _Prosit!_ + + * * * * * + +TO THOSE IT MAY CONCERN.--In reply to several Correspondents, _Mr. +Punch_ begs to suggest that ANTHONY TROLLOPE would certainly have +observed, "_I say Yes!_" had he been told that WILKIE COLLINS had +written "_I Say No!_" + + * * * * * + +THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER. + +(_A STORY OF THE PARLIAMENTARY BAR._) + +"You will not forget, Sir," said my excellent and admirable clerk, +"that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of the House of +Commons, in the matter of the Glogsweller Railway Extension?" + +[Illustration] + +I glanced somewhat severely at PORTINGTON, but was gratified to find +that his face was quite free from any suggestion of levity. I was +the more pleased with the result of my investigation, as, truth to +tell, the delivery of a brief in the matter of the Extension of the +Glogsweller Railway Company had been somewhat of an event in my life. +I had never before had the honour of practising at the Parliamentary +Bar. So for months my mind had been entirely occupied with the date +fixed for my appearance in the Committee Room of the House of Commons, +known technically, I believe, at St. Stephens, as "upstairs." + +"You will be sure to meet me there, to-morrow, PORTINGTON?" I +observed. + +"Certainly, Sir," replied my clerk. "But, as I have to be down at the +Mayor's Court with Mr. CHARLES O'MULLIGAN in the morning, I daresay +you won't mind if I come with your sandwiches and sherry, Sir, at two, +or thereabouts." + +I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. O'MULLIGAN shares with me the good +offices of PORTINGTON, but generally contrives to secure the lion's +portion of his services. I had arranged--understanding that no +adjournment was made for luncheon--that some refreshment should be +conveyed to me during the day's proceedings, so that my voice should +lose none of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced weakness) +when the time arrived for my advocacy of the cause of my clients. +Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral interest in the day's +proceedings. The great North-East Diddlesex Railway were promoting +a Bill to carry a new line into the neighbourhood of the Glogsweller +Extension, and my duty was confined to cross-examining one of the +expert witnesses that I knew would be asked to support the G.N.E.D.R. +To be candid, we had a goods depôt near their suggested terminus, and +were fearful that their proposed proximity would damage our mineral +traffic. The matter was simple enough, but I had taken months in +carefully studying a small library of charts, Encyclopædias, and +Parliamentary Blue Books, in mastering it. + +On the morning following my conversation with PORTINGTON, duly robed +(I had put on my wig and gown in Chambers), I travelled by hansom +to Westminster, and presented myself at the side entrance to St. +Stephen's Hall. I had no difficulty in finding the Committee Room +devoted to the consideration of the alleged necessities of the Great +North-East Diddlesex Railway. It was a large and pleasant apartment, +with a distant view through the windows of St. Thomas's Hospital. At +a horse-shoe table sat the Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who +might have filled equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved +in the Royal Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I took +my place amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were perfect +strangers to me. The table in front of us was littered with plans, +charts, and documents of all descriptions. A Q.C. brought with him +a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard, and there were other +refreshments mingled with the exhibits before us. On chairs at the +side were Solicitors; at our back, separated from us by a bar, +were the Public. On the walls were hanging huge charts, giving in +pantomimic proportions the proposed progress of the projected line. +In the corners of these charts were explanations why such a part +was coloured green, or red, or blue. During the day's proceedings an +attendant was told off to trace the course of a counsel's harangue by +pointing out, with a lecturer's wand, the various places referred to +in his speech. + +I was gratified to find that the expert whose evidence it was my duty +to test by cross-examination, was soon in the witness-box. He was a +gentleman of considerable bulk, which gave one of my learned friends, +who was the first to take him in hand, the opportunity of saying, +that he was a "witness of great weight," a remark which caused much +laughter--even the Chairman of the Committee, a somewhat austere +person, indulging in a stealthy smile at the ingenious sally. Such +waggish flashes as this, I need scarcely say, were most welcome, and +afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief to the necessary dryness +that characterised, perforce, the proceedings. As the hands of the +clock progressed, waiters carried into the Committee, various light +refreshments, such as brandy-and-sodawater, sandwiches, and buns. My +colleagues, too, when not actively engaged in the declamatory duties +of their profession, partook of the viands with which they had +provided themselves before the commencement of the day's labours. Thus +the cups devoted to custard soon were empty, and the paper bags, once +occupied by buns, crumpled up and discarded. I gazed at the clock. +It was past two, and I was getting terribly hungry. I felt that my +voice was becoming weak from famine. This would never do, and might +endanger my clients' interests. I looked round eagerly for PORTINGTON. +He was nowhere to be seen. I whispered to a colleague, "would the +examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told it could not +possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I made up my mind +to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the corridor before I had +entered the room, and hurriedly left my seat. I pushed my way through +the public, and had scarcely got outside when I found my faithful +clerk laden with sandwiches and sherry making post-haste towards me. + +"Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust the +invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands; "run, Sir, +run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence!" + +Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my subordinate +I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that the +examination-in-chief was nearly ended. I pulled myself together. +I drank a glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My voice was in +excellent tone, and I felt that the crisis of my life had indeed been +reached. I knew that it was now or never. I had this great chance of +distinguishing myself by pleasing my clients and securing a practice +at the Parliamentary Bar, which might mean hundreds, nay, thousands +a-year. I imagined my children at Eton, my wife in a carriage and +pair, my address in Grosvenor Place. All I had to do to secure these +tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients by my careful +attention to their interests. The moment at length arrived. I rose to +cross-examine. + +"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the situation, +and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which was striking +terror into the heart of the witness before me, _I_ am going to put a +few questions to you!" + +"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly--"you will do nothing of +the sort. You were not present during the _whole_ of the witness's + * * * * * +I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and sherry had +ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together (in the carriage +and pair) for ever! + +_Pump-Handle Court_. (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +OLLENDORFF IN LONDON; + +OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK. + +NO. I.--AT THE ESTATE AGENT'S. + +Have you some nice houses to let furnished?--Here is our Catalogue, +Sir.--I perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses; "sanitation +perfect;" where is the satisfactory explanation of the fine +advertisement?--It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).--What +is "Queen Anne"?--Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but +Queen Anne is (the) last.--Is then sanitation also something?--It +is the little game of the big builder; it is all your (my, his, +her,) eyes.--Can we have some nice furniture?--You can have (the +furniture of) Chippendale, Sheraton, M'Adam, or Louis-Quinze.--It +is too dear.--No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the clever +carpenter.--I was done by you or by your brother; I require a room +for my mother-in-law (neuter).--The good mother-in-law sleeps in the +chamber of boxes (box-room), but the evil mother-in-law prefers the +best bed-room.--How many persons are you?--We are sixteen.--You are, +indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.--Is not the noble +drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?--On the contrary, +it is very lofty. There is room near the chandelier.--Where is +the "moderate-sized garden"?--It is on the leads with the broken +flower-pots, the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine +or feminine).--Is it then much larger than a postage-stamp?--Decidedly +not, Sir. It is also nearly as sticky. Much rain produces +weeds.--Where are "the bath-rooms"? I only perceived a +watering-pot.--Any rooms in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.--What +is then the price?--The exorbitant client of the first-class agent +demands four hundred guineas for the season.--It is too much.--He +would take less in some minutes; but my commission will rest the +same.--Here are "Commanding mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and +"Desirable residences."--It is not difficult; the mansion that has a +back-staircase is commanding, the "Bijou" is for the newly-married, or +the actress, but the "Desirable residence" is what you desire.--What +is then the "square hall"?--It is neither round nor oblong; therefore +it is square. It is likewise in a square.--Is it geometrically the +same as the Bridge of Asses?--I do not know. Sir.--Where is the +capital accommodation for the poor servants?--It resembles the +dark kennel of the sad dog.--What are dilapidations and electric +light?--The first, Sir, is what you break; the second is what breaks +_you_.--If I were to let my own house, and then to myself take it, +would it be on the same terms?--No, the buyer is usually sold, but +the seller loves the first of April.--If another agent were to let my +house, would you, likewise, expect commission?--Why not? I am the best +friend of the little lawyer with the long nose.--I was inquiring of +you about flats.--It were better that you should be _sharp_, Sir.--I +was not born yesterday (proverb.)--Right (adjective) you are, Sir; we +will write (verb) to you till you take or let something, not alone +I, but also some others; if you refuse me something, I will be very +discontented.--Have you ever let well alone? (idiom).--We have let +many things alone (bare), but you must, notwithstanding, pay for +the fixtures.--I think I will be going.--Here are pens, paper, and +a form of an attorney.--No, I thank you.--We shall not charge for +this interview, but one must live.--I do not see the necessity +(_v_. Anecdotes in Appendix).--The Necessity is the mother of the +inventory.--Who is the Caretaker?--She is the great-grandmother of the +superannuated laundress. She becomes sleepy during the Winter. Shall +we send her to your house?--Not if I know it (expletive). Receive +the assurance (insurance) of my highest consideration. By the bye +(interjection), which is the topmost storey?--The topmost story is the +last thing you have heard me mention. I salute you, Sir. + + * * * * * + +TAKEN UPON TRUST. + +(_A FAIR-AND-UNFAIRY STORY, FOUNDED UPON A MAGIC ACT._) + +[Illustration] + +Once upon a time there existed two fatherless and motherless orphans, +who were just old enough to work for their living. Unfortunately they +did not know how to dig, were too proud to beg, and had conscientious +scruples that prevented them from stealing. Besides, one of the two +was a girl; and there were not many openings for her. And matters +would have gone very hard with them, indeed, had not a distant, but +benevolent relative, kindly died and left them as a legacy a sum of +money, of which they were to have the interest until they attained +their majority, when it was to be divided equally between them. They +were overjoyed, and rushed to the executor, who happened to be a +lawyer. + +"Yes," said the man of costs, "I am indeed charged with the execution +of the trust, and for your own sakes I hope you will not give me much +trouble, as I shall, under the conditions of the will, have to make +you pay for it." + +And after he had entered their visit (which he called an attendance) +in his diary, to be subsequently copied into a ledger, he bowed them +out. + +So the two orphans disappeared a little crestfallen; and they soon +discovered that their legacy had the faculty of diminishing. The +lawyer immediately transferred the money, which was invested in +what he called "second-rate securities," into Consols, and this cost +something, and considerably diminished their income. When the two +orphans remonstrated, the lawyer said, that as he made scarcely more +than out-of-pocket expenses in the matter, he did not feel justified +in incurring the slightest risk. + +"I am only a simple girl," murmured one of the orphans, with a nervous +blush; "but does not a recent statute give trustees power to invest +the funds of their _cestui que_ trusts in securities yielding a larger +return than 2¾ Goschens?" + +"Do not bandy words with me, Miss," replied the lawyer, angrily; +"I shall act as I please, and if you or I ask for the estate to be +administered, it will cost you a pretty penny." + +"Which no doubt will find its way into your pocket," returned the +maiden, simply. "But surely a 4½ mortgage on real property can be +obtained without risk, if you do not act contrary to the provisions of +the Trustee Relief Act?" + +But the lawyer was very angry, and threatened her that if she made any +further complaint he would appeal to the Chancery Division of the High +Court of Justice, which would mean, probably, the absorption of the +entire estate in a gigantic bill of costs. + +So, with a sigh, the maiden and her brother retired. That night, as +she was sitting over the fire, before retiring to rest, she had a +dream, when a nice-looking old gentleman appeared before her, and +asked her "why she was so sad?" + +"Because we have a lawyer for our trustee, who is most unobliging, and +expensive. I am afraid, kind Sir, _you_ cannot help us." + +"Do not say so until you have perused this scroll," he replied, with a +benevolent smile, and he gave her a paper. "To-morrow, if your trustee +again threatens you, and offers to retire, take him at his word. If +I replace him, I will do all you wish--enter into mortgages, invest +your capital to the best possible advantage, and make myself generally +amiable." + +"But how shall we pay you for so much kindness?" asked the now +overjoyed maiden. + +"By a tariff fixed by the Government. It will be my duty to do my best +for you, and I shall have no personal interest in running up costs +like the common (or garden) kind of family Solicitor." + +So the next day, when the lawyer began to threaten to resign, the +orphans took him at his word, and all that the nice-looking old +gentleman had foretold came to pass. And when the orphans were getting +the best possible interest for their money, at a trifling expense, the +maiden looked at the scroll which had been given to her, and found it +was inscribed, "The Public Trustee Act." + +And, so far as the lawyer, who had been discarded, knew (or cared), +the maiden and her brother lived happily ever afterwards. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +More about DICKENS. By the loving hand of PERCY FITZGERALD the +Bookmaker,--not sporting, but literary. Of making books, with PERCY +FITZ there is no end. He is the king of the Bookmakers, _Per se Fitz_. +This time it is the _History of the Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick +Club_, published by CHAPMAN AND HALL, and "inscribed"--why not +"dedicated?"--to HENRY FIELDING DICKENS, son of "The Only One," +the Master. _Interesting?_ Of course it is, anything about DICKENS, +specially in connection with the immortal _Pickwick_, must be +interesting, and for chatty, gossiping bookmaking we only say, "Give +us Fitz." He is to the manor born. He is neither romancer nor poet: +"_poeta nascitur non_ 'Fitz.'" Occasionally FITZ is aggravatingly +reticent. For instance, at page 16 we read, "_Two or three years +ago_"--which? two or three?--"_a curious and amusing coincidence +brought the author's son, a barrister in good practice_"--Which son? +His name? There were more sons than one: were they all barristers? And +was this one the only one in good practice?--"_into connection with +his father's famous book. It occurred at a trial on the Circuit._" +Which Circuit? Which is "_the_ Circuit"? The Baron, who is now the +Last of the Barons but one, only asks because the phrase "on Circuit" +would not have required his query; but "on the Circuit" is another +pair of shoes. "_A trial_." What trial? When? At p. 17, "_The Judge +entered into the humour of the thing_"--what Judge? The Baron is +of opinion that in the well-known advertisement about the Waverley +Pen, quoted in a note at p. 25, the correct order should be, "_The +Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pen_"--not Pickwick last. Did +CHARLES DICKENS ever write to FORSTER that he was "_getting on like a +house o' fire"?_ Surely this should be a "house a-fire," or "a house +on fire"; for a "house o' fire" means a "house of fire," which is not +what the expression is intended to convey. At p. 51, in a note, FITZ +says, "'_Phiz, Whizz,' or something of that kind, was_ T. HOOD's +_joke_." Was it? If so, where does the joke come in? + +[Illustration] + +My friend, the late GEORGE ROSE, better known as "ARTHUR SKETCHLEY," +used to say that DICKENS took _Sam Weller_ from (as I understood him) +a character in one of O'KEEFE's comedies. This statement was given +on the authority of Mr. BAYLE BERNARD. But I am bound to say I can +find nothing like _Sam_ in O'KEEFE's; but I have found DICKENS there +bodily. It is in Sc. 1, Act I. of _Life's Vagaries; or, The Neglected +Son._ "'Oh!' exclaims FANNY, 'if my papa was to see me--oh!' (_Seeing_ +DICKENS, _runs; he stops her._)" And, oddly enough, in this edition of +1798, frequently as the above-mentioned character appears, it is "on +this occasion only" that the name is spelt with an "E." + +Mr. FITZGERALD, at p. 136 of this book, says, that an actor named +SAM VALE, appearing as _Simon Splatterdash_, in a piece called _The +Boarding-House_, was in the habit of "interlarding his conversation +with metaphorical illustrations"--and then follow the examples. _The +Boarding-House_, however, is not by O'KEEFE, but, as appears from a +note in _Sketches by Boz_, was being performed when DICKENS's short +tale of _The Boarding-House_ appeared. For my part, I long ago came to +the conclusion that _Sam Weller_ was absolutely an original creation, +as far, that is, as anything outside the immaterial realms of fancy +and fairyland can be an original creation. Our FITZ gives CALVERLEY's +Examination Paper, and also an Oxford imitation of it, which, however, +is not by any means up to the CALVERLEY-BLADES mark. There is also a +preface to _Pickwick_, specially interesting, as not being found in +later editions. Then our Fitz informs us how many dramatic versions of +_Pickwick_ there have been, some with and some without music, bringing +the list down to the latest "Dramatic Cantata" (it oughtn't to have +been so described, as there was dialogue in it), the music of which +will always hold a first place among the compositions of the Musical +Baron's friend claiming to be the gifted descendant of the Wise and +Musical King SOLOMON. + +Altogether a vote of thanks should be presented to Mr. PERCY +FITZGERALD for his entertaining, instructive, and most readable book +on the immortal _Pickwick_, says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION. + +_Husband_ (_off to Paris_). "DON'T CRY, DARLING. IT'S _TOO_ SAD TO +LEAVE YOU, I _KNOW_! BUT YOU CAN TALK TO ME THERE JUST AS IF WE WERE +TOGETHER--ONLY BE CAREFUL, AS IT'S EXPENSIVE!" + +_Wife_. "IS IT, DARLING? HA-HA-HADN'T YOU BETTER LEAVE ME A FEW BLANK +CHEQUES?"] + + * * * * * + +TALKING BY TIME. + +The growing pressure of the business having already obliged the +Belgium Postal Authorities to cut down the time allowed for a +telephonic communication between Paris and Brussels, from five minutes +to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of public patronage that +may be expected when the wire is opened between London and the French +Capital, will soon necessitate the substitution, in place of the +promised ten minutes, of an allowance to each speaker of a minute, +or at most a minute and a half for his interview, which it may +confidently be expected will not unfrequently take the following +shape:-- + +_Inexorable Official_. Now, Sir; your turn next. + + [_Shuts intending London Talker in, and switches him "on."_ + +_London Talker_. Dear me! How quick they are, one hardly knows what +one is about. I wonder how loud, now, one ought to speak. Better +shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first. (_At the top of his voice through +the tube._) Hullo! Hi! I say. Are you there? + +_Paris Listener_ (_replying_). Oh! don't bawl like that. Of course I'm +here, I've been waiting quite half a minute; thought you were never +going to begin. But I suppose it is JONES I am speaking to? + +_London Talker_. Oh yes, I'm JONES. It's all right. But can't you +recognise my voice? + +_Paris Listener_. Not when you bawl fit to break the drum of one's +ear. But come, now, get on quick with what you want to say. + +_London Talker_. All right--I'll get on. But now tell me, do I pitch +my voice about right now? Can you catch distinctly all I say? + +_Paris Listener_. Oh yes! Bother! But do get on. Timesgoifast. + +_London Talker_. What? I didn't catch that last word. Time's what? + +_Paris Listener_ (_very distinctly, with emphasis_). I +said--that--time--was--going fast. Can you hear that? + +_London Talker_. Oh yes, I can hear that, and most distinctly. Really, +it is a most wonderful invention. + +_Paris Listener_. Oh, bother the invention! Do come to business! What +did you want me for? + +_London Talker_. Oh. of course. Well, it was just this. I thought-- + +_Inexorable Official_. Time's up, Sir. Trouble you to make room for +this Lady. + + [_Switches him "off," and turns him out._ + + * * * * * + +"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!" + +Mr. JOHN BULL _loquitur_:-- + + "Love me, love my Dog!" Well, _I_ don't want to flog + The fine but excitable fellow. + With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail + To bounce round a bit, and to bellow. + I'd do my square best with the greatest good will, + If only he'd--just for a moment--stand still. + + Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip + On one's caudal appendage? Ah, just so! + I know 'tis a task that seems _too_ much to ask. + I'm reasonable,--or I trust so. + But there _is_ the Lobster, it's holding on fast. + And--hang it! this state of affairs cannot last! + + How came it about? That's a matter of doubt, + Which there isn't much use in discussing, + To part them's my aim; I would manage that same + Without either fighting or fussing. + Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it nice + To live very long with its tail in a vice! + + I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear! + The Dog to my call won't attend. I + Conceive, if he would, it might be for his good, + I'd hit on some _modus vivendi_. + But if Dog _won't_ stand still, and if Lobster _won't_ loose, + My heartiest help cannot be of much use. + + One ANDROCLES bold eased a lion of old + Of a thorn in his foot--a great worry! + But ANDROCLES, sure, would have failed of a cure + If poor Leo had kept on the scurry, + As you, my dear Dog, do at present. _Verb. sap.!_ + Do just let me _get at_ the Lobster, old chap! + + While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle and wail, + And romp all around, the best master, + And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't part. + _Don't_ think I deride your disaster! + The pinch of it might make an elephant prance; + No, all that I ask is--_just give me a chance!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!" + +JOHN BULL. "IF I COULD ONLY GET HIM TO STAND STILL, I COULD SOON +SETTLE THE LOBSTER!"] + + * * * * * + +A TEN MINUTES' IDYL. + + Life is a farce, a dreary round, + A fraud--of that there's not a doubt, + Although I've only lately found + It out. + + Bad boldly masquerades as good, + Fruit turns to ashes in the taking, + Unpleasant very is the rude + Awaking. + + 'Tis Spring, when something, so one learns, + Seems to affect the burnished dove, + And when a young man's fancy turns + To love. + + With window open to the breeze, + The tramp of passers-by unheeding, + I sit reclining at mine ease, + A-reading. + + I've read enough--and not amiss + I rather fancy now would be + A little rest--ah! what is this + I see? + + A sight that's almost past belief, + And makes me think I must be raving, + For there a girl a handkerchief + Is waving! + + Like to a light that in the black + And inky night shines o'er the main, + It disappears, and then comes back + Again. + + I know the house quite well--I've heard + Her father's something in the City, + And she's a blue-eyed girl absurd- + -ly pretty. + + By Jove! she does it with a whirr, + It's clear this inexpressive she + Is given to the _fortiter_ + _In re_. + + Of course it's forward--and indeed + It's worse--it's shockingly imprudent + Thus to encourage me, a need- + -y student. + + Her form is shadowy--I must + Get out my glasses, so to bring + Her nearer. Yes--the range is just + The thing! + + * * * * * + + Life is a farce, without a doubt! + The cause of all this fuss and fluster + Is just a housemaid shaking out + Her duster! + + * * * * * + +IN THEIR EASTER EGGS. + +_Lord Salisbury_.--Allegorical Cartoon representing BRITANNIA +astonished at the success of her recent Foreign Policy. + +_Mr. Gladstone_.--Pocket Edition of Cyclopædia of Universal +Information, copiously illustrated, for the use of veteran Statesmen. + +_The Emperor of Germany_.--Prize Homily on the Art of Governing, with +special reference to the science as applied to the subordination of +"temper." + +_Mr. Parnell_.--Sculptured Group representing the Reptile of Egotism +turning the tables on St. Patrick, and endeavouring to drive him out +of Ireland. + +_The President of the United States_.--An Italian Iron--over-heated. + +_Ex-King Milan of Servia_.--A Monthly Cheque for amusement and +travelling expenses, but not including a return ticket to Belgrade. + +_The Post-Master-General_.--One hundred Receipts for getting into hot +water. + +_Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris_.--Draft Proposal for buying up and +working the British Government with duly audited Schedule, showing how +the "takings" could be more than doubled by spirited management. + +_Mr. Jackson of Clitheroe_.--Prize Farce entitled, "Lynch Law and +Conjugal Rights." + + * * * * * + +MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN-- + +TO DINNER. + +(_BY A DINNER-BELLE._) + +NO. III.--THE GREAT UNKNOWN. + +[Illustration] + + _He_ was a dapper, dumpy thing, + With nought decisive on him graven + But smiles, like footlights flickering + O'er visage shaven. + + And _it_, that kind of social myth + Where every guest (and each a rum one) + Is Somebody, because the kith + Or kin of Someone. + + The Great Siberian Victim's Aunt, + The Godfather of Colonel CODY, + And some affinity I can't + Recall to DAUDET. + + In fine, a Tussaud's once removed, + Not waxworks, but their far connections; + The names, the attitudes, approved, + But mere reflections. + + Our hostess, wont to pedigree + Her portents, slurred his surname sweetly; + So up my smiler tripped--to me + Unknown completely. + + Thus mystified, I needs must bruit + The weather--"It was rainy, rather." + "Yes," he rejoined, "It does not suit + My Poet-father: + + "Strange how the damp affects great men; + My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist, + You know paints always smartest when + It rains the smartest." + + "In _water_-colours?" feebly next + I faltered, falling quite to pieces: + "No, no," he murmured mildly vexed, + "_You_ mean my nieces. + + "Those delicate young paintresses + Of Idyls in Cobalt and Bistre, + Though for Impressionist success, + Give me my sister. + + "My nephew, he's inspired of course, + Divine, quite _autre chose: en bref_ you-- + Forgive an uncle's pride--perforce + Adore my nephew." + + Reeling with Relatives, I quite + My compass lost: to shift our bearing, + "Who is the Lady on your right?" + Quoth I, despairing. + + "That Beauty, like the portraits I've + For sale beheld of Miss BELLE BILTON."-- + "She? She's the representative, + The last, of MILTON!" + + This was too much: what _could_ I try + To burst from such a tangled tether? + The shops for neutral ground, thought I, + Eclipse the weather. + + The shops! The very thing. I dared + The shops. "How wonderful was WHITELEY!" + Dazed at the Wizard's name he stared, + And shuddered slightly. + + A silence froze his ready twang: + No more he smiled--from that fell minute, + HENRY THE FIRST--to speak in slang-- + Was scarcely in it. + + That smilelessness! What meant the curse? + Who could the skein unravel? I did. + This was the Diner "Univers- + -ally provided." + + Renowned, if nameless--hired to be + Salvation of a banquet's ruin, + "Monsieur Le Quatorzième" took me, + And may take you in. + + * * * * * + +THE MERRY GREEN WOOD. + +_AN "EPPING FOREST" CHORUS._ + + "For ever and again the Corporation of London send down their + _protégés_, the young City sportsmen who may, or may not, know + how to load a gun, but who are very keen on 'Sport.' Then the + herds are driven by beaters towards the gallant huntsmen, the + forest re-echoes with the report of guns, and next day you + can trace the whereabouts of the wounded bucks and deer by + tracks of blood among the bushes, and by impressions on the + grass where the maimed creature has fallen in its flight for + life."--_Pall Mall Gazette_. + +_Chorus of Huntsmen._ + + Oh, we like,--we love the Merry Green Wood, + As should Huntsmen bold of the proper sort! + And we would hit the stag _if we possibly could_,-- + As is meet with such palpable sons of Sport. + Away to the forest we cheerily run, + And wait for the beaters' welcome cry; + And though we are new to the use of a gun, + What matters? At anything we'll let fly! + So Sing hey, sing ho, for the startled deer; + We warrant we'll hit him, if _he_ comes near + And we'll send him lame and limping away, + With a shot he'll remember for many a day! + For marry come up! But it would be absurd + To expect a bold Sportsman to bag the whole herd! + So he blazes away; and he hits one or two; + And they hobble away in some thicket to lie, + And, after a day or two's suffering, die; + We don't see precisely what more we could do, + Than shout that "we love the Merry Green Wood!" + And would settle the stag,--_if we possibly could!_ + + * * * * * + +The following advertisement appears in the _Standard_:-- + + A Lady wishes to have twice from the country a SUPPLY of LIVE + SPARROWS, for a favourite cat.--Address, &c. + +There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty look about this "Lady's" +desire to supply her favourite cat with some downright real Sport. For +it is to be presumed that she intends her well-cared for pet literally +to do the unhappy sparrows to death in the most approved fashion. How +will she manage it? Clip their wings, and set them on the drawing-room +floor; or tie strings to their legs, and let the favourite cat "go for +them?" Cats must be fed. But it is not necessary to provide them with +a "Supply of Live Sparrows" twice, or even once. We submit the subject +to the notice of the S.P.C.A. + + * * * * * + +ONE POUND NOTES.--Probable rate that a fashionable _prima donna_ will +charge for a song in the near future. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: APRIL FOOLS.] + + * * * * * + +OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY! + +_Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman loquitur_:-- + + Yesh, HARRY LAWSHUN mosh entirely righ'! + WILFRIDSH mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh' + Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw snakesh. + Frigh'ful to watch 'em wrigglung, when one wakesh + Over the quilterpane--I mean counterquilt. + Liqnorsh are lovely, when you're that waysh built; + But snakesh ish pizen! So ish liquorsh, too-- + Leastwaysh, so WILFRIDSH LAWSHON and hish crew + Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash'ral Museum, + Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee 'em! + All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twirls, and twiddles; + Tails like long corkscrewsh, gogglesh in their middles; + Big headsh, and bony bodysh--frigh'fully frisky! + Fancy sush things living in Irish Whishky, + Like animalcu--what's it? in--_hic_--water! + No matter! I've sworn offsh! POLLY, my daughter, + Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now! + To Heaven's broad blue vault I lift my brow, + A shober Br--Bri'sh Workman! So old DUMPER, + The lecturer, putsh it. He'sh a rare tub-thumper! + Itsh Easter Shunday, and I am not tigh'! + Bri'sh Workman--Nash'ral Museum! Thatsh or'righ'. + Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed ginger-beer + Gassysh--go i' my head an' makesh me queer! + One nipsh!--no, no! won't do! Wherream I? Lor! + Strai' on, the plishman says, through tha' there door. + Doorsh blesshed wide, and these 'ere big shop-cases + With bitsh o' stone and beedlesh!--Yah! Thosh faces! + Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and bony! + Thosh wrigglewigglements! I'll bet a pony + _Thish_ ish no Nash'ral Museum--Nash--_hic_--ral Hishtory! + Look at 'em! _Look_ at 'em!! Oh, hersh a mystery! + POLLYSH,--where are yer? Where'sh that blesshed bottle? + I'vesh got a peck o' March dust down my throttle. + Give ush that gin--ger beersh, o' course, I mean. + Look, POLLY!--shee that creature long and lean, + Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it + With thish 'ere Bri's'h Museum! Wai' a minute! + Where am I? Whersh tha' girl? Can't read this lingo! + "Mega--" It moves! _Got 'em again, by Jingo!!!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON. + +(_At the Natural History Museum._) + +_Visitor_. "HULLO! I SAY, I'VE GOT 'EM AGIN! GI' ME THE BLUE RIBBON!"] + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +_March 10_.--It has come at last, and I'm free to confess I don't care +for it half as much as I thought I should. I got the letter five days +ago. Here it is:-- + + 45, _Main Street, Billsbury, March 4, 18--._ + +Sir,--I have been in communication with headquarters, and I am +informed that you are looking out for a Constituency at the next +General Election. We have been for some time past endeavouring to +find a Candidate for this Borough, and should be glad to hear if we +may submit your name to the consideration of our local Council. The +political history of Billsbury must be known to you. Up to the date of +the last election we have always been represented by a Conservative. +In fact, Billsbury was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress +of sound Constitutional opinion. + +Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the Constituency +the time and attention it required. Moreover, I may mention in strict +confidence, that his conduct over the Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme +alienated a considerable number of his supporters, and the consequence +was that at the last election Sir THOMAS CHUBSON, the Liberal +Candidate and present Member for Billsbury, was elected by a majority +of 279. Since then, however, the Party has rallied, the divisions in +our ranks have been healed, the registrations have been very much in +our favour, and there is no reason to doubt that, as soon as Billsbury +has the chance, she will return to her ancient allegiance. I shall +be in London the day after to-morrow (Thursday, March 6), and shall +do myself the honour of calling upon you. Kindly let me know where +and when I can see you. I shall be glad to afford you any further +information. + + Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND, + +_To RICHARD B. PATTLE, Esq., President Billsbury Conservative +Association. Dr. Johnson Buildings, Temple, E.C._ + +I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged me +to accept, and told me that even if I failed, which they said was +extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an irresistible claim +on the Party." Afterwards saw VULLIAMY, the Member for one of the +Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of course you must. Ridiculous +to hesitate. A youngster like you, who only left College four years +ago, ought to be proud of the chance. If you're beaten you'll have a +claim on the Party, and mind you don't let 'em forget it. Curse them, +they never think of a man's valuable services if he doesn't keep on +reminding them himself;" and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an +hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how "the shabby beggars" +had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It seems the other +side manage their business much better. Next I called on Uncle HENRY +in the City. He said he'd stick to his promise of paying half my +expenses, but wouldn't help me to nurse the place. However, I daresay +that won't cost much. Eventually wrote to Old TOLLAND, and asked +him to call at my Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home +and told my mother. She said, "My darling boy, I knew you would be +distinguished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had only +lived, he would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind you have that +horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery." And with that she +kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the news. I sloped. + +On Thursday Old TOLLAND called. It seems he's an Alderman, and I +only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted to know, What were my +views on the Labour Question? Was I an Eight Hours' man? How about +Vaccination and Woman's Suffrage? and all kinds of other rubbish. +I had to beat about a good deal, and answer generally, but at last +I consented to address the Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the +day. If accepted, I shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go +through it all again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose +it's the usual way. + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +THE RIGHTS OF COUNSEL. + +(_BY A CLIENT_.) + + Oh, what are the "rights" of the Q.C.? + The point of the question but few see. + Those rights are to do + What suits _him_, if not _you_! + Faith! that's the whole business _in nuce_! + + * * * * * + +JOKIN'S LATEST.--"The Surplus will be anything but a _dry_ subject +this year, as it is owing to a steady or (probably) unsteady +consumption of Drink!" + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 23_.--Easter Holidays begin +to-morrow; to-night last rally round RAIKES; Postmaster harried from +both sides of House; the Contumacious COBB begins it; comments on +Coroner's conduct beginning to pall on accustomed appetite; references +to delicate investigation in judicial circles falling flat; so turns +upon POSTMASTER-GENERAL. Wants to know about the Boy Messengers? +Pack in full cry; RAIKES pelted with newspapers, assailed with +over-weighted letters; late at night CAMERON comes up quite +fresh, desiring to "call attention to the position taken up by the +POSTMASTER-GENERAL with regard to the Electric Call and Boy Messenger +System," just as if he had at the moment made the discovery. + +[Illustration: "Wonderful!"] + +In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol; explains +it's the thing you work the electric call with. You press a button +here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda; another button, and you +have a sausage and a hot potato; a third, and your boots are suddenly +pulled off by an unseen agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated +in a hansom cab, with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay +your fare withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the +morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with the +machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who ought to have +been called at this hour. + +GANE, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat entranced, listening to +this interesting narrative, and watching the illustrations rapidly +produced by CAMERON, as he touched the various buttons. + +"Wonderful!" cried GANE, Q.C. "Never knew anything like it since I +read _Arabian Nights_." + +"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON. + +Must think this over during the Recess. + +For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House, falling +into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy tale. + +[Illustration: The Pillary Post.] + +"It's only postponed, TOBY," he said, wearily, CAMERON (having +accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly carried off to +bed in the middle of a sentence; "they'll be at me again to-morrow, +and will begin once more, like giants refreshed, when they come back +from the holidays. It's an old story; the House of Commons must always +have its whipping-boy. Don't know whether you've sat long enough for +Barks to remember AYRTON? A dead set was made against him, and he +was not only driven out of office, but forth from public life. It's +generally the HOME SECRETARY who is fastened on. There was WALPOLE, +chronically reduced to tears. BRUCE was chivied by the cabmen, and +had his hat blocked by the publicans. The blameless HARCOURT didn't +go scot free whilst he was at the Home Office. MATTHEWS has had a long +run, with the hounds after him. Now they've turned aside from him, +and are yelping after me. It's very well for MATTHEWS, but a little +worrying for me. Of course I don't claim to be perfect. As HARCOURT +once admitted of himself, I'm almost human, I try to do my duty, and +protect the interests of Department committed to my charge. They come +in touch with all classes, and naturally there is friction. Just now +the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised. Perhaps it'll fall +away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather wearing, so pitilessly +monotonous. As you said the other day, a new constitutional maxim +has been established. Once OLD MORALITY used to write in his +copybook, 'The QUEEN can Do no Wrong.' Now he may add this +other, 'The POSTMASTER-GENERAL Does Nothing Right.'" _Business +done._--Miscellaneous. + +_Tuesday Afternoon_.--Winding up business before holiday; rather a +scramble at the end. OLD MORALITY, as usual, piled up heap of work +to be got through. "Quite easy, you know," he said. "Tithes Bill, +Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill, Savings Bank Bill, take them +in your stride. What does the poet say? Line upon Line; Little by +Little; Here to-day and gone To-morrow. Those are the sound economical +principles that should guide a man through life." + +At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here to-day, we +wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last stage took a lot +of fighting over. House wouldn't have Electoral Disabilities Removal +Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at any price. + +"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in despair. + +[Illustration: "Stole Away!"] + +"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled out +manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the under-pay +of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST folded his tent +like the Arab, and as silently stole away. Example followed generally +by Members in all parts of the House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying +himself, composedly went on to end of speech, and then adjournment. +SPEAKER "kept in" till Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal +Commission. Rest off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April. + +_Business done_.--Wound up for Easter Holidays. + + * * * * * + +CRITICISING THE CALENDAR. + +SIR,--The suggestion of your Correspondent "EASTER EGG," who +wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming on April 20, is +excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the other tide, depends on +the moon. What a humiliating confession! Why should we any longer +consent to be the slaves of the (so-called) Science of Astronomy? + + Yours, REFORMING SPIRIT. + +SIR,--What's all this fuss about Easter being too early this year? +It isn't half early enough. It ought to have come last Christmas, +and Whitsuntide the same, and then we should have polished off three +public holiday seasons--public nuisances, _I_ call them,--at once. + + Yours, gloomily, TRUE PHILANTHROPIST. + +SIR,--I have just been horrified to hear that one of my boys now at +home from school remains with us for a three weeks' vacation! The +early date of Easter is the paltry excuse offered by his Headmaster +for this infliction. Anybody can see through such a flimsy pretext. +His brother is to have _his_ holiday four weeks later. The result is +that the boys will see nothing of each other during their holidays, +while their parents will see a great deal too much. How can brotherly +affection--I say nothing of fatherly affection,--that priceless +blessing, which I flatter myself I always conspicuously display--be +expected to continue under these depressing conditions? + + Yours, exasperatedly, FOND PARENT. + +SIR,--As peeple are riting lettres to you about the Easter holy-days, +I should like you to put in what old BOREHAM--he's our Principul--has +been doing. We all think it a thundring shame. He kept us grinding +away right through Good Friday, Easter Monday, and means us to go +on several weeks afterwards! The result was we had about half a Hot +Cross-Bun each! Old BOREHAM akshally fixed Easter Monday for going +over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese would you say something in +your valyble collums about old BOREHAM, and oblige + + Yours, obedjiently, SMITH (_Tertius_), _Rodchester_. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +100, April 4, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13297 *** |