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diff --git a/13297-h/13297-h.htm b/13297-h/13297-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f4665ca --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/13297-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2133 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, April 4, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13297 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 4, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" + id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. II.-NORA; OR, THE BIRD-CAGE (ET DIKKISVÖIT).</h3> + + <h4>ACT I.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>A Room tastefully filled with cheap Art-furniture. + Gimcracks in an étagère; a festoon of chenille monkeys + hanging from the gaselier. Japanese fans, skeletons, + cotton-wool spiders, frogs, and lizards, scattered + everywhere about. Drain-pipes with tall dyed grasses. A + porcelain stove decorated with transferable pictures. + Showily-bound books in book-case. Window. The Visitors' + bell rings in the hall outside. The hall-door is heard to + open, and then to shut. Presently</i> NORA <i>walks in with + parcels; a Porter carries a large Christmas-tree after + her—which he puts down</i>. NORA <i>gives him a + shilling—and he goes out grumbling</i>. NORA <i>hums + contentedly, and eats macaroons. Then</i> HELMER <i>puts + his head out of his Manager's room, and</i> NORA <i>hides + macaroons cautiously.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>playfully</i>). Is that my little squirrel + twittering—that my lark frisking in here?</p> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. Ess! (<i>To herself.</i>) I have only been + married eight years, so these marital amenities have not yet + had time to pall!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/157.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/157.png" + alt="'Boo!'" /></a>"Boo!" + </div> + + <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>threatening with his finger</i>). I hope + the little bird has surely not been digging its beak into any + macaroons, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>bolting one, and wiping her mouth</i>). No, + most certainly not. (<i>To herself</i>.) The worst of being so + babyish is—one <i>does</i> have to tell such a lot of + taradiddles! (<i>To H.</i>) See what <i>I</i>'ve + bought—it's been <i>such</i> fun!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Hums.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Helmer</i> (<i>inspecting parcels</i>). H'm—rather + an <i>expensive</i> little lark!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Takes her playfully by the ear.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. Little birds like to have a flutter + occasionally. Which reminds me—(<i>Plays with his + coat-buttons.</i>) I'm such a simple ickle sing—but if + you <i>are</i> thinking of giving me a Christmas present, make + it cash.</p> + + <p><i>Helmer</i>. Just like your poor father, <i>he</i> always + asked me to make it cash—he never made any himself! It's + heredity, I suppose. Well—well!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Goes back to his Bank</i>. NORA <i>goes on + humming.</i></p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> Mrs. LINDEN, <i>doubtfully.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. What, CHRISTINA—why, how old you look! + But then you are poor. I'm not. TORVALD has just been made a + Bank Manager. (<i>Tidies the room.</i>) Isn't it really + wonderfully delicious to be well off? But, of course, you + wouldn't know. <i>We</i> were poor once, and, do you know, when + TORVALD was ill, I—(<i>tossing her head</i>)—though + I <i>am</i> such a frivolous little squirrel, and all that, I + actually borrowed £300 for him to go abroad. Wasn't <i>that</i> + clever? Tra-la-la! I shan't tell you <i>who</i> lent it. I + didn't even tell TORVALD. I am such a mere baby I don't tell + him everything. I tell Dr. RANK, though. Oh, I'm so awfully + happy I should like to shout, "Dash it all!"</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Linden</i> (<i>stroking her hair</i>). Do—it + is a natural and innocent outburst—you are such a child! + But I am a widow, and want employment. <i>Do</i> you think your + husband could find me a place as clerk in his Bank? + (<i>Proudly.</i>) I am an excellent knitter!</p> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. That would really be awfully funny. (<i>To</i> + HELMER, <i>who enters.</i>) TORVALD, this is CHRISTINA; she + wants to be a clerk in your Bank—<i>do</i> let her! She + thinks such a lot of <i>you</i>. (<i>To herself.</i>) Another + taradiddle!</p> + + <p><i>Helmer</i>. She is a sensible woman, and deserves + encouragement. Come along, Mrs. LINDEN, and we'll see what we + can do for you.</p> + + <p>[<i>He goes out through the hall with</i> Mrs. L., <i>and + the front-door is heard to slam after them.</i></p> + + <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>opens door, and calls</i>). Now, EMMY, IVAR, + and BOB, come in and have a romp with Mamma—we will play + hide-and-seek. (<i>She gets under the table, smiling in quiet + satisfaction</i>; KROGSTAD <i>enters</i>—NORA <i>pounces + out upon him</i>). Boo!... Oh, I <i>beg</i> your pardon. I + don't do this kind of thing <i>generally</i>—though I may + be a little silly!</p> + + <p><i>Krogstad</i> (<i>politely</i>). Don't mention it. I + called because I happened to see your husband go out with MRS. + LINDEN—from which, being a person of considerable + penetration, I infer that he is about to give her my post at + the Bank. Now, as you owe me the balance of £300, for which I + hold your acknowledgment, you will see the propriety of putting + a stop to this little game at once.</p> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. But I don't at all—not a little wee bit! + I'm so childish, you know—why <i>should</i> I? + [<i>Sitting upright on carpet.</i></p> + + <p><i>Krogs.</i> I will try to make it plain to the meanest + capacity. When you came to me for the loan, I naturally + required some additional security. Your father, being a shady + Government official, without a penny—for, if he had + possessed one, he would, presumably, have left it to + you—without a penny, then, I, as a cautious man of + business, insisted upon having his signature as a surety. Oh, + we Norwegians are sharp fellows!</p> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. Well, you <i>got</i> Papa's signature, didn't + you?</p> + + <p><i>Krogs.</i> Oh, I <i>got</i> it right enough. + Unfortunately, it was dated three days after his + decease—now, how do you account for <i>that</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. How? Why, as poor Papa was dead, and couldn't + sign, I signed <i>for</i> him, that's all! Only somehow I + forgot to put the date back. <i>That's</i> how. Didn't I + <i>tell</i> you I was a silly, unbusinesslike little thing? + It's very simple.</p> + + <p><i>Krogs.</i> Very—but what you did amounts to + forgery, notwithstanding. I happen to know, because I'm a + lawyer, and have done a little in the forging way myself. So, + to come to the point—if <i>I</i> get kicked out, I shall + not go alone! [<i>He bows, and goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. It <i>can't</i> be wrong! Why no one but + KROGSTAD would have been taken in by it! If the Law says it's + wrong, the Law's a goose—a bigger goose than poor little + me even! (<i>To</i> HELMER, <i>who enters</i>.) Oh, TORVALD, + how you made me jump!</p> + + <p><i>Helmer</i>. Has anybody called? (NORA <i>shakes her + head</i>.) Oh, my little squirrel mustn't tell naughty + whoppers! Why, I just met that fellow KROGSTAD in the hall. + He's been asking you to get me to take him back—now, + hasn't he?</p> + + <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>walking about</i>). Do just see how pretty + the Christmas-tree looks!</p> + + <p><i>Helmer</i>. Never mind the tree—I want to have this + out about KROGSTAD. I can't take him back, because many years + ago he forged a name. As a lawyer, a close observer of human + nature, and a Bank Manager, I have remarked that people who + forge names seldom or never confide the fact to their + children—which inevitably brings moral contagion into the + entire family. From which it follows, logically, that KROGSTAD + has been poisoning his children for years by acting a part, and + is morally lost. (<i>Stretches out his hands to her.</i>) I + can't bear a morally lost Bank-cashier about me!</p> + + <p><i>Nora</i>. But you never thought of dismissing him till + CHRISTINA came!</p> + + <p><i>Helmer</i>. H'm! I've got some business to attend + to—so good-bye, little lark! [<i>Goes into office and + shuts door.</i></p> + + <p><i>Nora</i> (<i>pale with terror</i>). If KROGSTAD poisons + his children because he once forged a name, I must be poisoning + EMMY, and BOB, and IVAR, because <i>I</i> forged Papa's + signature! (<i>Short pause; she raises her head proudly.</i>) + After all, if I <i>am</i> a doll, I can still draw a logical + induction! I mustn't play with the children any + more—(<i>hotly</i>)—I don't care—I + <i>shall</i>, though! Who cares for KROGSTAD?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She makes a face, choking with suppressed tears, as + Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>N.B.—The tremendous psychological problem of whether + NORA is as much of a doll, a squirrel, and a lark, as she + seems, and if so, whether it is her own fault, or HELMER's or + Society's, will be solved in subsequent numbers.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.—At last by the authority of + the L.C.C. his Grace of BEDFORD has been notified that within + three months from now "Locks, bolts, and bars must fly asunder" + in the parish of St. Pancras, where henceforth existence of all + such obstruction is to cease. We hope that the gate-keepers, + whose occupation is gone, have been amply provided for, as they + will now have no gates, but only themselves to keep. <i>Mr. + Punch</i> has persistently advocated the reform. And now, + Gentlemen, how about Mud Salad Market, which, like Scotland in + <i>Macbeth's</i> time, "stands where it did"?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" + id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/158.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/158.png" + alt="FASCINATION!" /></a> + + <h3>FASCINATION!</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"APOLLONIUS, by some probable conjectures, found her + out to be a serpent, a Lamia; and that all her + furniture was, like Tantalus's gold described by HOMER, + no substance, but mere illusion."—<i>Burton's + Anatomy of Melancholy.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A LAMIA, this? Nay, obvious coil, and hiss most + unequivocal, betray the Snake;</p> + + <p>As fell ophidian as in fierce meridian of Afric + ever lurked in swamp or brake;</p> + + <p>And yet Corinthian LYCIUS never doted on the + white-throated charmer of his soul</p> + + <p>With blinder passion than our fools of + Fashion</p> + + <p class="i10">Feel for this gruesome ghoul.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Poor LYCIUS had excuse. Who might refuse worship + to Lamia, "now a lady bright"?</p> + + <p>But foul-fanged here, fierce-eyed, a shape of + fear, the serpent stands,</p> + + <p>revealed to general sight,</p> + + <p>A loathly thing, close knotted ring on ring, of + guise unlovely, and infectious breath;</p> + + <p>And yet strong witchery draws to those wide + jaws</p> + + <p class="i10">Whose touch is shameful + death.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" + id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>See how the flattering things on painted wings, + foolish as gnat-swarms near the shrivelling + blaze,</p> + + <p>Flock nearer, nearer! Forms, too, quainter, + queerer, frog-dupes of folly, rabbit-thralls of + craze,</p> + + <p>Butterfly triflers, gay-plumed would-be riflers + of golden chalices, of poisoned flowers,</p> + + <p>Flitter and flutter in delirium utter,</p> + + <p class="i10">As drawn by wizard powers.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, "Painted Lady," Summer coverts shady, the + greenwood home, the sweep of sunny fields,</p> + + <p>A butterfly befit; but where's the wit that + mire-befouled to the swamp-demon yields?</p> + + <p>Oh, birds of Iris-glitter, black and bitter will + be the wakening when those gaudy plumes</p> + + <p>Fall crushed and leaden, as your senses + deaden</p> + + <p class="i10">In poisonous Python fumes!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye <i>gobemouche</i> creatures of batrachian + features, who "go a-wooing" such a fate as + this,</p> + + <p>Have ye no vision of that doom's decision? Have + ye no ear for rattle or for hiss?</p> + + <p>Salammbô's craving, morbid and enslaving, was + sanity compared with your mad love,</p> + + <p>As well the swallow the fierce shrike might + follow,</p> + + <p class="i10">Or hawk be chased by dove!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tantalus' gold is all such Lamias hold; 'tis + Devil's dice such Mammon vassals throw;</p> + + <p>A sordid fever fires each fool-believer in the + gross glitter, the unholy glow.</p> + + <p>Vile is your Dagon! Circe's venomed flagon + embruted less than doth the Lamia's wine,</p> + + <p>Than Comus' cup more perilous to sup—</p> + + <p class="i10">As snakes are worse than swine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The poet's snake enchanted, who so flaunted her + borrowed robes amidst the daffodils,</p> + + <p>Hath piteous touches. She, from Fate's clutches, + free some brief space, "escaped from so sore + ills,"</p> + + <p>Moves our compassion. But this modern fashion of + Snake Enchanter looks unlovely all.</p> + + <p>Greed's inspiration its sole fascination.</p> + + <p class="i10">Low selfishness its thrall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A Serpent!" So the Sophist murmured low, and + "LYCIUS' arms were empty of delight,"</p> + + <p>LAMIA had fled! Would that some sage cool head, + some modern APOLLONIUS, with the might</p> + + <p>Of sense magnanimous, would banish thus the + bestial Lamia of our later day,</p> + + <p>Whose fascination draws a noble nation</p> + + <p class="i10">To sordid slow decay!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DANTE NOT "IN IT"!—The Italian language is to be + excluded from the Indian Civil Service Examination. "The story + is extant, and written in very choice Italian," said + <i>Hamlet</i>, and SHAKSPEARE knew that the reference would be + intelligible to his audience. But <i>Hamlet</i> "up to date" in + this "so-called nineteenth century" would be compelled to give + the speech thus, "The original story, I believe, is written in + the Italian language, with which none of us here are + acquainted." But, after all, the candidates may be inclined to + adapt the Gilbert-Sullivan words and music to the occasion, and + sing—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"So, in spite of all temptation,</p> + + <p>At the next examination</p> + + <p class="i2">They'll bar I-tal-i-an!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Though, years hence, it may happen that they'll be sorry + they weren't compelled to get up Italian as one of the + subjects.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOUR OF EASE!"—which line would make + a suitable motto for our very useful, chatty, and interesting + weekly contemporary entitled <i>Woman. À propos</i> of + "headings," the only one in the above-mentioned publication to + which objection can possibly be taken "on the face of it" is + "Wrinkles." Wouldn't "Whispers" be better? It is quite enough + for <i>Woman</i> to appear with lines, but it's too bad that + wrinkles should be added while she is yet so young.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."—Once again occurs an + illustration of the applicability of Dickensian characters to + modern instances. In last Thursday's <i>Times</i>, by special + Razzle-Dalziel wire, we read of the return of another great + Arctic explorer, Mr. WASHBURTON PIKE, after having braved + dangers demanding the most dauntless courage. Here, then, are + two single gentlemen rolled into one: it is <i>Pike</i> and + <i>Pluck</i> combined.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/159.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/159.png" + alt="BEATUS POSSIDENS." /></a> + + <h3>BEATUS POSSIDENS.</h3> + + <p>"I'VE COME ABOUT A JOB. I HEARD THERE WAS A BOY + WANTED."</p> + + <p>"OH, YOU 'EARD AS THERE WAS A BOY WANTED, DID YER? THEN + YOU'RE JUST TOO LATE, 'COS MASTER'S SOOTED!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WANTED FOR THE ETON LOAN COLLECTION.</h2> + + <p>1. The earliest specimen of the Birch. (<i>Suggested by a + Merry Swish Boy.</i>)</p> + + <p>2. Salt-cellar used for holding the Salt at Montem time.</p> + + <p>3. Specimen of Haberdashery, from an Eton "Sock" shop.</p> + + <p>4. Model of the most powerful "Long-glass" from "Tap."</p> + + <p>5. Chips from the Earliest Block, with authentic history of + Etonian Original Transgression, or "First Fault."</p> + + <p>6. Documents tracing the connection between "Pop" and the + Pawnbroking business.</p> + + <p>7. Specimen of Lower Boy's Hat, with motto, "<i>Sub Tegmine + Fag-I!</i>"</p> + + <p>8. Portraits of Eminent "Sitters" on Fourth of June and + Election Saturday in the early part of present century.</p> + + <p>9. Scull of a "Wet-Bob" originally feathered.</p> + + <p>10. A copy (perfect and signed) of another boy's verses. + (N.B. Not very scarce.)</p> + + <p>11. Portraits of eminent Landlords who, acting on SHERIDAN's + advice, have "kept up the Xtopher."</p> + + <p>12. Also, portrait, with life and times of the crabbed old + Thames Waterman, known on the river as "Surly HALL."</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Any future suggestions that maybe sent to us will be + entirely at the service of the Duke of FIFE and others, + interested in promoting this most interesting + exhibition.]</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>A PUBLISHER AND HIS FRIENDS.—In order to worthily + celebrate the hearty reception, by the critics and the public + generally, of this most interesting and successful work, the + present representatives of the great publishing firm of MURRAY + will give a grand banquet, and, with SMILES, will sing in + chorus the once popular refrain, "We are a Murray family, we + are, we are, we are!" <i>Prosit!</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>TO THOSE IT MAY CONCERN.—In reply to several + Correspondents, <i>Mr. Punch</i> begs to suggest that ANTHONY + TROLLOPE would certainly have observed, "<i>I say Yes!</i>" had + he been told that WILKIE COLLINS had written "<i>I Say + No!</i>"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" + id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span> + + <h2>THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Story of the Parliamentary Bar.</i>)</h4> + + <p>"You will not forget, Sir," said my excellent and admirable + clerk, "that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of + the House of Commons, in the matter of the Glogsweller Railway + Extension?"</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/160.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/160.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>I glanced somewhat severely at PORTINGTON, but was gratified + to find that his face was quite free from any suggestion of + levity. I was the more pleased with the result of my + investigation, as, truth to tell, the delivery of a brief in + the matter of the Extension of the Glogsweller Railway Company + had been somewhat of an event in my life. I had never before + had the honour of practising at the Parliamentary Bar. So for + months my mind had been entirely occupied with the date fixed + for my appearance in the Committee Room of the House of + Commons, known technically, I believe, at St. Stephens, as + "upstairs."</p> + + <p>"You will be sure to meet me there, to-morrow, PORTINGTON?" + I observed.</p> + + <p>"Certainly, Sir," replied my clerk. "But, as I have to be + down at the Mayor's Court with Mr. CHARLES O'MULLIGAN in the + morning, I daresay you won't mind if I come with your + sandwiches and sherry, Sir, at two, or thereabouts."</p> + + <p>I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. O'MULLIGAN shares with + me the good offices of PORTINGTON, but generally contrives to + secure the lion's portion of his services. I had + arranged—understanding that no adjournment was made for + luncheon—that some refreshment should be conveyed to me + during the day's proceedings, so that my voice should lose none + of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced weakness) + when the time arrived for my advocacy of the cause of my + clients. Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral + interest in the day's proceedings. The great North-East + Diddlesex Railway were promoting a Bill to carry a new line + into the neighbourhood of the Glogsweller Extension, and my + duty was confined to cross-examining one of the expert + witnesses that I knew would be asked to support the G.N.E.D.R. + To be candid, we had a goods depôt near their suggested + terminus, and were fearful that their proposed proximity would + damage our mineral traffic. The matter was simple enough, but I + had taken months in carefully studying a small library of + charts, Encyclopædias, and Parliamentary Blue Books, in + mastering it.</p> + + <p>On the morning following my conversation with PORTINGTON, + duly robed (I had put on my wig and gown in Chambers), I + travelled by hansom to Westminster, and presented myself at the + side entrance to St. Stephen's Hall. I had no difficulty in + finding the Committee Room devoted to the consideration of the + alleged necessities of the Great North-East Diddlesex Railway. + It was a large and pleasant apartment, with a distant view + through the windows of St. Thomas's Hospital. At a horse-shoe + table sat the Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who might + have filled equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved + in the Royal Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I + took my place amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were + perfect strangers to me. The table in front of us was littered + with plans, charts, and documents of all descriptions. A Q.C. + brought with him a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard, + and there were other refreshments mingled with the exhibits + before us. On chairs at the side were Solicitors; at our back, + separated from us by a bar, were the Public. On the walls were + hanging huge charts, giving in pantomimic proportions the + proposed progress of the projected line. In the corners of + these charts were explanations why such a part was coloured + green, or red, or blue. During the day's proceedings an + attendant was told off to trace the course of a counsel's + harangue by pointing out, with a lecturer's wand, the various + places referred to in his speech.</p> + + <p>I was gratified to find that the expert whose evidence it + was my duty to test by cross-examination, was soon in the + witness-box. He was a gentleman of considerable bulk, which + gave one of my learned friends, who was the first to take him + in hand, the opportunity of saying, that he was a "witness of + great weight," a remark which caused much laughter—even + the Chairman of the Committee, a somewhat austere person, + indulging in a stealthy smile at the ingenious sally. Such + waggish flashes as this, I need scarcely say, were most + welcome, and afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief to the + necessary dryness that characterised, perforce, the + proceedings. As the hands of the clock progressed, waiters + carried into the Committee, various light refreshments, such as + brandy-and-sodawater, sandwiches, and buns. My colleagues, too, + when not actively engaged in the declamatory duties of their + profession, partook of the viands with which they had provided + themselves before the commencement of the day's labours. Thus + the cups devoted to custard soon were empty, and the paper + bags, once occupied by buns, crumpled up and discarded. I gazed + at the clock. It was past two, and I was getting terribly + hungry. I felt that my voice was becoming weak from famine. + This would never do, and might endanger my clients' interests. + I looked round eagerly for PORTINGTON. He was nowhere to be + seen. I whispered to a colleague, "would the + examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told it could + not possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I made + up my mind to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the + corridor before I had entered the room, and hurriedly left my + seat. I pushed my way through the public, and had scarcely got + outside when I found my faithful clerk laden with sandwiches + and sherry making post-haste towards me.</p> + + <p>"Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust + the invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands; + "run, Sir, run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence!"</p> + + <p>Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my + subordinate I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that + the examination-in-chief was nearly ended. I pulled myself + together. I drank a glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My + voice was in excellent tone, and I felt that the crisis of my + life had indeed been reached. I knew that it was now or never. + I had this great chance of distinguishing myself by pleasing my + clients and securing a practice at the Parliamentary Bar, which + might mean hundreds, nay, thousands a-year. I imagined my + children at Eton, my wife in a carriage and pair, my address in + Grosvenor Place. All I had to do to secure these + tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients by my + careful attention to their interests. The moment at length + arrived. I rose to cross-examine.</p> + + <p>"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the + situation, and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which + was striking terror into the heart of the witness before me, + <i>I</i> am going to put a few questions to you!"</p> + + <p>"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly—"you will + do nothing of the sort. You were not present during the + <i>whole</i> of the witness's examination-in-chief, and so we + decline to hear you!"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I could have wept! The momentary search for sandwiches and + sherry had ruined me! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished + together (in the carriage and pair) for ever!</p> + + <p><i>Pump-Handle Court</i>. (<i>Signed</i>) A. BRIEFLESS, + JUNIOR.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.</h3> + + <h4>No. I.—AT THE ESTATE AGENT'S.</h4> + + <p>Have you some nice houses to let furnished?—Here is + our Catalogue, Sir.—I perceive that most of these are + Queen Anne houses; "sanitation perfect;" where is the + satisfactory explanation of the fine advertisement?—It is + in Spain with the other castles (idiom).—What is "Queen + Anne"?—Victoria comes first, Elizabeth second, but Queen + Anne is (the) last.—Is then sanitation also + something?—It is the little game of the big builder; it + is all your (my, his, her,) eyes.—Can we have some nice + furniture?—You can have (the furniture of) Chippendale, + Sheraton, McAdam, or Louis-Quinze.—It is too + dear.—No, Sir; my brother bought it yesterday of the + clever carpenter.—I was done by you or by your brother; I + require a room for my mother-in-law (neuter).—The good + mother-in-law sleeps in the chamber of boxes (box-room), but + the evil mother-in-law prefers the best bed-room.—How + many persons are you?—We are sixteen.—You are, + indeed, suited, Sir; it is an eight-roomed house.—Is not + the noble drawing-room smaller than we have a mind to?—On + the contrary, it is very lofty. There is room near the + chandelier.—Where is the "moderate-sized + garden"?—It is on the leads with the broken flower-pots, + the capital smuts, and the industrious cats (masculine or + feminine).—Is it then much larger than a + postage-stamp?—Decidedly not, Sir. It is also nearly as + sticky. Much rain produces weeds.—Where are "the + bath-rooms"? I only perceived a watering-pot.—Any rooms + in which you put baths, are bath-rooms.—What is then the + price?—The exorbitant client of the first-class agent + demands four hundred guineas for the season.—It is too + much.—He would take less in some minutes; but my + commission will rest the same.—Here are "Commanding + mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and "Desirable + residences."—It is not difficult; the mansion that has a + back-staircase is commanding, the "Bijou" is for the + newly-married, or the actress, but the "Desirable residence" is + what you desire.—What is then the "square hall"?—It + is neither round nor oblong; therefore it is square. It is + likewise in a square.—Is it geometrically the same as the + Bridge of Asses?—I do not know. Sir.—Where is the + capital accommodation for the poor servants?—It resembles + the dark kennel of the sad dog.—What are dilapidations + and electric light?—The first, Sir, is what you break; + the second is what breaks <i>you</i>.—If I were to let my + own house, and then to myself take it, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page161" + id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> would it be on the same + terms?—No, the buyer is usually sold, but the seller + loves the first of April.—If another agent were to let + my house, would you, likewise, expect commission?—Why + not? I am the best friend of the little lawyer with the long + nose.—I was inquiring of you about flats.—It + were better that you should be <i>sharp</i>, Sir.—I + was not born yesterday (proverb.)—Right (adjective) + you are, Sir; we will write (verb) to you till you take or + let something, not alone I, but also some others; if you + refuse me something, I will be very discontented.—Have + you ever let well alone? (idiom).—We have let many + things alone (bare), but you must, notwithstanding, pay for + the fixtures.—I think I will be going.—Here are + pens, paper, and a form of an attorney.—No, I thank + you.—We shall not charge for this interview, but one + must live.—I do not see the necessity (<i>v</i>. + Anecdotes in Appendix).—The Necessity is the mother of + the inventory.—Who is the Caretaker?—She is the + great-grandmother of the superannuated laundress. She + becomes sleepy during the Winter. Shall we send her to your + house?—Not if I know it (expletive). Receive the + assurance (insurance) of my highest consideration. By the + bye (interjection), which is the topmost storey?—The + topmost story is the last thing you have heard me mention. I + salute you, Sir.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TAKEN UPON TRUST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Fair-and-Unfairy Story, Founded upon a Magic + Act.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/161-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/161-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Once upon a time there existed two fatherless and motherless + orphans, who were just old enough to work for their living. + Unfortunately they did not know how to dig, were too proud to + beg, and had conscientious scruples that prevented them from + stealing. Besides, one of the two was a girl; and there were + not many openings for her. And matters would have gone very + hard with them, indeed, had not a distant, but benevolent + relative, kindly died and left them as a legacy a sum of money, + of which they were to have the interest until they attained + their majority, when it was to be divided equally between them. + They were overjoyed, and rushed to the executor, who happened + to be a lawyer.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said the man of costs, "I am indeed charged with the + execution of the trust, and for your own sakes I hope you will + not give me much trouble, as I shall, under the conditions of + the will, have to make you pay for it."</p> + + <p>And after he had entered their visit (which he called an + attendance) in his diary, to be subsequently copied into a + ledger, he bowed them out.</p> + + <p>So the two orphans disappeared a little crestfallen; and + they soon discovered that their legacy had the faculty of + diminishing. The lawyer immediately transferred the money, + which was invested in what he called "second-rate securities," + into Consols, and this cost something, and considerably + diminished their income. When the two orphans remonstrated, the + lawyer said, that as he made scarcely more than out-of-pocket + expenses in the matter, he did not feel justified in incurring + the slightest risk.</p> + + <p>"I am only a simple girl," murmured one of the orphans, with + a nervous blush; "but does not a recent statute give trustees + power to invest the funds of their <i>cestui que</i> trusts in + securities yielding a larger return than 2¾ Goschens?"</p> + + <p>"Do not bandy words with me, Miss," replied the lawyer, + angrily; "I shall act as I please, and if you or I ask for the + estate to be administered, it will cost you a pretty + penny."</p> + + <p>"Which no doubt will find its way into your pocket," + returned the maiden, simply. "But surely a 4½ mortgage on real + property can be obtained without risk, if you do not act + contrary to the provisions of the Trustee Relief Act?"</p> + + <p>But the lawyer was very angry, and threatened her that if + she made any further complaint he would appeal to the Chancery + Division of the High Court of Justice, which would mean, + probably, the absorption of the entire estate in a gigantic + bill of costs.</p> + + <p>So, with a sigh, the maiden and her brother retired. That + night, as she was sitting over the fire, before retiring to + rest, she had a dream, when a nice-looking old gentleman + appeared before her, and asked her "why she was so sad?"</p> + + <p>"Because we have a lawyer for our trustee, who is most + unobliging, and expensive. I am afraid, kind Sir, <i>you</i> + cannot help us."</p> + + <p>"Do not say so until you have perused this scroll," he + replied, with a benevolent smile, and he gave her a paper. + "To-morrow, if your trustee again threatens you, and offers to + retire, take him at his word. If I replace him, I will do all + you wish—enter into mortgages, invest your capital to the + best possible advantage, and make myself generally + amiable."</p> + + <p>"But how shall we pay you for so much kindness?" asked the + now overjoyed maiden.</p> + + <p>"By a tariff fixed by the Government. It will be my duty to + do my best for you, and I shall have no personal interest in + running up costs like the common (or garden) kind of family + Solicitor."</p> + + <p>So the next day, when the lawyer began to threaten to + resign, the orphans took him at his word, and all that the + nice-looking old gentleman had foretold came to pass. And when + the orphans were getting the best possible interest for their + money, at a trifling expense, the maiden looked at the scroll + which had been given to her, and found it was inscribed, "The + Public Trustee Act."</p> + + <p>And, so far as the lawyer, who had been discarded, knew (or + cared), the maiden and her brother lived happily ever + afterwards.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>More about DICKENS. By the loving hand of PERCY FITZGERALD + the Bookmaker,—not sporting, but literary. Of making + books, with PERCY FITZ there is no end. He is the king of the + Bookmakers, <i>Per se Fitz</i>. This time it is the <i>History + of the Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club</i>, published by + CHAPMAN AND HALL, and "inscribed"—why not + "dedicated?"—to HENRY FIELDING DICKENS, son of "The Only + One," the Master. <i>Interesting?</i> Of course it is, anything + about DICKENS, specially in connection with the immortal + <i>Pickwick</i>, must be interesting, and for chatty, gossiping + bookmaking we only say, "Give us Fitz." He is to the manor + born. He is neither romancer nor poet: "<i>poeta nascitur + non</i> 'Fitz.'" Occasionally FITZ is aggravatingly reticent. + For instance, at page 16 we read, "<i>Two or three years + ago</i>"—which? two or three?—"<i>a curious and + amusing coincidence brought the author's son, a barrister in + good practice</i>"—Which son? His name? There were more + sons than one: were they all barristers? And was this one the + only one in good practice?—"<i>into connection with his + father's famous book. It occurred at a trial on the + Circuit.</i>" Which Circuit? Which is "<i>the</i> Circuit"? The + Baron, who is now the Last of the Barons but one, only asks + because the phrase "on Circuit" would not have required his + query; but "on the Circuit" is another pair of shoes. "<i>A + trial</i>." What trial? When? At p. 17, "<i>The Judge entered + into the humour of the thing</i>"—what Judge? The Baron + is of opinion that in the well-known advertisement about the + Waverley Pen, quoted in a note at p. 25, the correct order + should be, "<i>The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley + Pen</i>"—not Pickwick last. Did CHARLES DICKENS ever + write to FORSTER that he was "<i>getting on like a house o' + fire"?</i> Surely this should be a "house a-fire," or "a house + on fire"; for a "house o' fire" means a "house of fire," which + is not what the expression is intended to convey. At p. 51, in + a note, FITZ says, "'<i>Phiz, Whizz,' or something of that + kind, was</i> T. HOOD's <i>joke</i>." Was it? If so, where does + the joke come in?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/161-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/161-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>My friend, the late GEORGE ROSE, better known as "ARTHUR + SKETCHLEY," used to say that DICKENS took <i>Sam Weller</i> + from (as I understood him) a character in one of O'KEEFE's + comedies. This statement was given on the authority of Mr. + BAYLE BERNARD. But I am bound to say I can find nothing like + <i>Sam</i> in O'KEEFE's; but I have found DICKENS there bodily. + It is in Sc. 1, Act I. of <i>Life's Vagaries; or, The Neglected + Son.</i> "'Oh!' exclaims FANNY, 'if my papa was to see + me—oh!' (<i>Seeing</i> DICKENS, <i>runs; he stops + her.</i>)" And, oddly enough, in this edition of 1798, + frequently as the above-mentioned character appears, it is "on + this occasion only" that the name is spelt with an "E."</p> + + <p>Mr. FITZGERALD, at p. 136 of this book, says, that an actor + named SAM VALE, appearing as <i>Simon Splatterdash</i>, in a + piece called <i>The Boarding-House</i>, was in the habit of + "interlarding his conversation with metaphorical + illustrations"—and then follow the examples. <i>The + Boarding-House</i>, however, is not by O'KEEFE, but, as appears + from a note in <i>Sketches by Boz</i>, was being performed when + DICKENS's short tale of <i>The Boarding-House</i> appeared. For + my part, I long ago came to the conclusion that <i>Sam + Weller</i> was absolutely an original creation, as far, that + is, as anything outside the immaterial realms of fancy and + fairyland can be an original creation. Our FITZ gives + CALVERLEY's Examination Paper, and also an Oxford imitation of + it, which, however, is not by any means up to the + CALVERLEY-BLADES mark. There is also a preface to + <i>Pickwick</i>, specially interesting, as not being found in + later editions. Then our Fitz informs us how many dramatic + versions of <i>Pickwick</i> there have been, some with and some + without music, bringing the list down to the latest "Dramatic + Cantata" (it oughtn't to have been so described, as there was + dialogue in it), the music of which will always hold a first + place among the compositions of the Musical Baron's friend + claiming to be the gifted descendant of the Wise and Musical + King SOLOMON.</p> + + <p>Altogether a vote of thanks should be presented to Mr. PERCY + FITZGERALD for his entertaining, instructive, and most readable + book on the immortal <i>Pickwick</i>, says</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page162" + id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/162.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/162.png" + alt="TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION." /></a> + + <h3>TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION.</h3> + + <p><i>Husband</i> (<i>off to Paris</i>). "DON'T CRY, + DARLING. IT'S <i>TOO</i> SAD TO LEAVE YOU, I <i>KNOW</i>! + BUT YOU CAN TALK TO ME THERE JUST AS IF WE WERE + TOGETHER—ONLY BE CAREFUL, AS IT'S EXPENSIVE!"</p> + + <p><i>Wife</i>. "IS IT, DARLING? HA-HA-HADN'T YOU BETTER + LEAVE ME A FEW BLANK CHEQUES?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TALKING BY TIME.</h2> + + <p>The growing pressure of the business having already obliged + the Belgium Postal Authorities to cut down the time allowed for + a telephonic communication between Paris and Brussels, from + five minutes to three, it is to be presumed that the rush of + public patronage that may be expected when the wire is opened + between London and the French Capital, will soon necessitate + the substitution, in place of the promised ten minutes, of an + allowance to each speaker of a minute, or at most a minute and + a half for his interview, which it may confidently be expected + will not unfrequently take the following shape:—</p> + + <p><i>Inexorable Official</i>. Now, Sir; your turn next.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Shuts intending</i> London Talker <i>in, and + switches him "on."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>London Talker</i>. Dear me! How quick they are, one + hardly knows what one is about. I wonder how loud, now, one + ought to speak. Better shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first. + (<i>At the top of his voice through the tube.</i>) Hullo! Hi! I + say. Are you there?</p> + + <p><i>Paris Listener</i> (<i>replying</i>). Oh! don't bawl like + that. Of course I'm here, I've been waiting quite half a + minute; thought you were never going to begin. But I suppose it + is JONES I am speaking to?</p> + + <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh yes, I'm JONES. It's all right. But + can't you recognise my voice?</p> + + <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Not when you bawl fit to break the + drum of one's ear. But come, now, get on quick with what you + want to say.</p> + + <p><i>London Talker</i>. All right—I'll get on. But now + tell me, do I pitch my voice about right now? Can you catch + distinctly all I say?</p> + + <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Oh yes! Bother! But do get on. + Timesgoifast.</p> + + <p><i>London Talker</i>. What? I didn't catch that last word. + Time's what?</p> + + <p><i>Paris Listener</i> (<i>very distinctly, with + emphasis</i>). I + said—that—time—was—going fast. Can you + hear that?</p> + + <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh yes, I can hear that, and most + distinctly. Really, it is a most wonderful invention.</p> + + <p><i>Paris Listener</i>. Oh, bother the invention! Do come to + business! What did you want me for?</p> + + <p><i>London Talker</i>. Oh. of course. Well, it was just this. + I thought—</p> + + <p><i>Inexorable Official</i>. Time's up, Sir. Trouble you to + make room for this Lady.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Switches him "off," and turns him out.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"</h2> + + <p>Mr. JOHN BULL <i>loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Love me, love my Dog!" Well, <i>I</i> don't want to + flog</p> + + <p class="i2">The fine but excitable fellow.</p> + + <p>With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail</p> + + <p class="i2">To bounce round a bit, and to bellow.</p> + + <p>I'd do my square best with the greatest good + will,</p> + + <p>If only he'd—just for a moment—stand + still.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip</p> + + <p class="i2">On one's caudal appendage? Ah, just + so!</p> + + <p>I know 'tis a task that seems <i>too</i> much to + ask.</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm reasonable,—or I trust so.</p> + + <p>But there <i>is</i> the Lobster, it's holding on + fast.</p> + + <p>And—hang it! this state of affairs cannot + last!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How came it about? That's a matter of doubt,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which there isn't much use in + discussing,</p> + + <p>To part them's my aim; I would manage that same</p> + + <p class="i2">Without either fighting or fussing.</p> + + <p>Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it + nice</p> + + <p>To live very long with its tail in a vice!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear!</p> + + <p class="i2">The Dog to my call won't attend. I</p> + + <p>Conceive, if he would, it might be for his good,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd hit on some <i>modus vivendi</i>.</p> + + <p>But if Dog <i>won't</i> stand still, and if Lobster + <i>won't</i> loose,</p> + + <p>My heartiest help cannot be of much use.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One ANDROCLES bold eased a lion of old</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a thorn in his foot—a great + worry!</p> + + <p>But ANDROCLES, sure, would have failed of a cure</p> + + <p class="i2">If poor Leo had kept on the scurry,</p> + + <p>As you, my dear Dog, do at present. <i>Verb. + sap.!</i></p> + + <p>Do just let me <i>get at</i> the Lobster, old + chap!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle and + wail,</p> + + <p class="i2">And romp all around, the best master,</p> + + <p>And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't + part.</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Don't</i> think I deride your + disaster!</p> + + <p>The pinch of it might make an elephant prance;</p> + + <p>No, all that I ask is—<i>just give me a + chance!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page163" + id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/163.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/163.png" + alt="'THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!'" /></a> + + <h3>"THAT CON-FOUNDLAND DOG!"</h3>JOHN BULL. "IF I COULD + ONLY GET HIM TO STAND STILL, I COULD SOON SETTLE THE + LOBSTER!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page165" + id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span> + + <h2>A TEN MINUTES' IDYL.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life is a farce, a dreary round,</p> + + <p class="i2">A fraud—of that there's not a + doubt,</p> + + <p>Although I've only lately found</p> + + <p class="i10">It out.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bad boldly masquerades as good,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fruit turns to ashes in the taking,</p> + + <p>Unpleasant very is the rude</p> + + <p class="i10">Awaking.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis Spring, when something, so one learns,</p> + + <p class="i2">Seems to affect the burnished dove,</p> + + <p>And when a young man's fancy turns</p> + + <p class="i10">To love.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With window open to the breeze,</p> + + <p class="i2">The tramp of passers-by unheeding,</p> + + <p>I sit reclining at mine ease,</p> + + <p class="i10">A-reading.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've read enough—and not amiss</p> + + <p class="i2">I rather fancy now would be</p> + + <p>A little rest—ah! what is this</p> + + <p class="i10">I see?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A sight that's almost past belief,</p> + + <p class="i2">And makes me think I must be raving,</p> + + <p>For there a girl a handkerchief</p> + + <p class="i10">Is waving!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Like to a light that in the black</p> + + <p class="i2">And inky night shines o'er the main,</p> + + <p>It disappears, and then comes back</p> + + <p class="i10">Again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know the house quite well—I've heard</p> + + <p class="i2">Her father's something in the City,</p> + + <p>And she's a blue-eyed girl absurd-</p> + + <p class="i10">-ly pretty.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>By Jove! she does it with a whirr,</p> + + <p class="i2">It's clear this inexpressive she</p> + + <p>Is given to the <i>fortiter</i></p> + + <p class="i10"><i>In re</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of course it's forward—and indeed</p> + + <p class="i2">It's worse—it's shockingly + imprudent</p> + + <p>Thus to encourage me, a need-</p> + + <p class="i10">-y student.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her form is shadowy—I must</p> + + <p class="i2">Get out my glasses, so to bring</p> + + <p>Her nearer. Yes—the range is just</p> + + <p class="i10">The thing!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life is a farce, without a doubt!</p> + + <p class="i2">The cause of all this fuss and + fluster</p> + + <p>Is just a housemaid shaking out</p> + + <p class="i10">Her duster!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN THEIR EASTER EGGS.</h2> + + <p><i>Lord Salisbury</i>.—Allegorical Cartoon + representing BRITANNIA astonished at the success of her recent + Foreign Policy.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Gladstone</i>.—Pocket Edition of Cyclopædia of + Universal Information, copiously illustrated, for the use of + veteran Statesmen.</p> + + <p><i>The Emperor of Germany</i>.—Prize Homily on the Art + of Governing, with special reference to the science as applied + to the subordination of "temper."</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Parnell</i>.—Sculptured Group representing the + Reptile of Egotism turning the tables on St. Patrick, and + endeavouring to drive him out of Ireland.</p> + + <p><i>The President of the United States</i>.—An Italian + Iron—over-heated.</p> + + <p><i>Ex-King Milan of Servia</i>.—A Monthly Cheque for + amusement and travelling expenses, but not including a return + ticket to Belgrade.</p> + + <p><i>The Post-Master-General</i>.—One hundred Receipts + for getting into hot water.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Sheriff Augustus Harris</i>.—Draft Proposal for + buying up and working the British Government with duly audited + Schedule, showing how the "takings" could be more than doubled + by spirited management.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Jackson of Clitheroe</i>.—Prize Farce entitled, + "Lynch Law and Conjugal Rights."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN—</h2> + + <h2>TO DINNER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Dinner-Belle.</i>)</h4> + + <h3>No. III.—THE GREAT UNKNOWN.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/165.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/165.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>He</i> was a dapper, dumpy thing,</p> + + <p class="i2">With nought decisive on him graven</p> + + <p>But smiles, like footlights flickering</p> + + <p class="i10">O'er visage shaven.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And <i>it</i>, that kind of social myth</p> + + <p class="i2">Where every guest (and each a rum + one)</p> + + <p>Is Somebody, because the kith</p> + + <p class="i10">Or kin of Someone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Great Siberian Victim's Aunt,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Godfather of Colonel CODY,</p> + + <p>And some affinity I can't</p> + + <p class="i10">Recall to DAUDET.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In fine, a Tussaud's once removed,</p> + + <p class="i2">Not waxworks, but their far + connections;</p> + + <p>The names, the attitudes, approved,</p> + + <p class="i10">But mere reflections.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our hostess, wont to pedigree</p> + + <p class="i2">Her portents, slurred his surname + sweetly;</p> + + <p>So up my smiler tripped—to me</p> + + <p class="i10">Unknown completely.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus mystified, I needs must bruit</p> + + <p class="i2">The weather—"It was rainy, + rather."</p> + + <p>"Yes," he rejoined, "It does not suit</p> + + <p class="i10">My Poet-father:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Strange how the damp affects great men;</p> + + <p class="i2">My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist,</p> + + <p>You know paints always smartest when</p> + + <p class="i10">It rains the smartest."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"In <i>water</i>-colours?" feebly next</p> + + <p class="i2">I faltered, falling quite to pieces:</p> + + <p>"No, no," he murmured mildly vexed,</p> + + <p class="i10">"<i>You</i> mean my nieces.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Those delicate young paintresses</p> + + <p class="i2">Of Idyls in Cobalt and Bistre,</p> + + <p>Though for Impressionist success,</p> + + <p class="i10">Give me my sister.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My nephew, he's inspired of course,</p> + + <p class="i2">Divine, quite <i>autre chose: en bref</i> + you—</p> + + <p>Forgive an uncle's pride—perforce</p> + + <p class="i10">Adore my nephew."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Reeling with Relatives, I quite</p> + + <p class="i2">My compass lost: to shift our + bearing,</p> + + <p>"Who is the Lady on your right?"</p> + + <p class="i10">Quoth I, despairing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"That Beauty, like the portraits I've</p> + + <p class="i2">For sale beheld of Miss BELLE + BILTON."—</p> + + <p>"She? She's the representative,</p> + + <p class="i10">The last, of MILTON!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This was too much: what <i>could</i> I try</p> + + <p class="i2">To burst from such a tangled tether?</p> + + <p>The shops for neutral ground, thought I,</p> + + <p class="i10">Eclipse the weather.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The shops! The very thing. I dared</p> + + <p class="i2">The shops. "How wonderful was + WHITELEY!"</p> + + <p>Dazed at the Wizard's name he stared,</p> + + <p class="i10">And shuddered slightly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A silence froze his ready twang:</p> + + <p class="i2">No more he smiled—from that fell + minute,</p> + + <p>HENRY THE FIRST—to speak in slang—</p> + + <p class="i10">Was scarcely in it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That smilelessness! What meant the curse?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who could the skein unravel? I did.</p> + + <p>This was the Diner "Univers-</p> + + <p class="i10">-ally provided."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Renowned, if nameless—hired to be</p> + + <p class="i2">Salvation of a banquet's ruin,</p> + + <p>"Monsieur Le Quatorzième" took me,</p> + + <p class="i10">And may take you in.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MERRY GREEN WOOD.</h2> + + <h4><i>An "Epping Forest" Chorus.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"For ever and again the Corporation of London send down + their <i>protégés</i>, the young City sportsmen who may, or + may not, know how to load a gun, but who are very keen on + 'Sport.' Then the herds are driven by beaters towards the + gallant huntsmen, the forest re-echoes with the report of + guns, and next day you can trace the whereabouts of the + wounded bucks and deer by tracks of blood among the bushes, + and by impressions on the grass where the maimed creature + has fallen in its flight for life."—<i>Pall Mall + Gazette</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <center> + <i>Chorus of Huntsmen.</i> + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, we like,—we love the Merry Green Wood,</p> + + <p class="i2">As should Huntsmen bold of the proper + sort!</p> + + <p>And we would hit the stag <i>if we possibly + could</i>,—</p> + + <p class="i2">As is meet with such palpable sons of + Sport.</p> + + <p>Away to the forest we cheerily run,</p> + + <p class="i2">And wait for the beaters' welcome + cry;</p> + + <p>And though we are new to the use of a gun,</p> + + <p>What matters? At anything we'll let fly!</p> + + <p>So Sing hey, sing ho, for the startled deer;</p> + + <p>We warrant we'll hit him, if <i>he</i> comes + near</p> + + <p>And we'll send him lame and limping away,</p> + + <p>With a shot he'll remember for many a day!</p> + + <p>For marry come up! But it would be absurd</p> + + <p>To expect a bold Sportsman to bag the whole + herd!</p> + + <p>So he blazes away; and he hits one or two;</p> + + <p>And they hobble away in some thicket to lie,</p> + + <p>And, after a day or two's suffering, die;</p> + + <p>We don't see precisely what more we could do,</p> + + <p>Than shout that "we love the Merry Green Wood!"</p> + + <p>And would settle the stag,—<i>if we possibly + could!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The following advertisement appears in the + <i>Standard</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><big><big>A</big></big> Lady wishes to have twice from + the country a SUPPLY of LIVE SPARROWS, for a favourite + cat.—Address, &c.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty look about this + "Lady's" desire to supply her favourite cat with some downright + real Sport. For it is to be presumed that she intends her + well-cared for pet literally to do the unhappy sparrows to + death in the most approved fashion. How will she manage it? + Clip their wings, and set them on the drawing-room floor; or + tie strings to their legs, and let the favourite cat "go for + them?" Cats must be fed. But it is not necessary to provide + them with a "Supply of Live Sparrows" twice, or even once. We + submit the subject to the notice of the S.P.C.A.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ONE POUND NOTES.—Probable rate that a fashionable + <i>prima donna</i> will charge for a song in the near + future.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page166" + id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/166.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/166.png" + alt="APRIL FOOLS." /></a> + + <h3>APRIL FOOLS.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page167" + id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span> + + <h2>OUR OPENING (SUN) DAY!</h2> + + <p><i>Emancipated Blue-Ribboned British Workman + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yesh, HARRY LAWSHUN mosh entirely righ'!</p> + + <p>WILFRIDSH mush blesh his nameshake! Had a frigh'</p> + + <p>Only lash Shundaysh. Fanshied I saw snakesh.</p> + + <p>Frigh'ful to watch 'em wrigglung, when one + wakesh</p> + + <p>Over the quilterpane—I mean counterquilt.</p> + + <p>Liqnorsh are lovely, when you're that waysh + built;</p> + + <p>But snakesh ish pizen! So ish liquorsh, + too—</p> + + <p>Leastwaysh, so WILFRIDSH LAWSHON and hish crew</p> + + <p>Alwaysh declaresh! No matter! Nash'ral Museum,</p> + + <p>Mush better than the Jim-Jamsh! Eugh! I shee + 'em!</p> + + <p>All eyesh and limbsh, all twists, and twirls, and + twiddles;</p> + + <p>Tails like long corkscrewsh, gogglesh in their + middles;</p> + + <p>Big headsh, and bony bodysh—frigh'fully + frisky!</p> + + <p>Fancy sush things living in Irish Whishky,</p> + + <p>Like animalcu—what's it? + in—<i>hic</i>—water!</p> + + <p>No matter! I've sworn offsh! POLLY, my daughter,</p> + + <p>Made me Good Templarsh! No more horrorsh now!</p> + + <p>To Heaven's broad blue vault I lift my brow,</p> + + <p>A shober Br—Bri'sh Workman! So old DUMPER,</p> + + <p>The lecturer, putsh it. He'sh a rare + tub-thumper!</p> + + <p>Itsh Easter Shunday, and I am not tigh'!</p> + + <p>Bri'sh Workman—Nash'ral Museum! Thatsh + or'righ'.</p> + + <p>Feelsh bit unsteady! That dashed ginger-beer</p> + + <p>Gassysh—go i' my head an' makesh me queer!</p> + + <p>One nipsh!—no, no! won't do! Wherream I? + Lor!</p> + + <p>Strai' on, the plishman says, through tha' there + door.</p> + + <p>Doorsh blesshed wide, and these 'ere big + shop-cases</p> + + <p>With bitsh o' stone and beedlesh!—Yah! Thosh + faces!</p> + + <p>Thosh eyesh, thosh limbsh, thosh bodysh, big and + bony!</p> + + <p>Thosh wrigglewigglements! I'll bet a pony</p> + + <p><i>Thish</i> ish no Nash'ral + Museum—Nash—<i>hic</i>—ral + Hishtory!</p> + + <p>Look at 'em! <i>Look</i> at 'em!! Oh, hersh a + mystery!</p> + + <p>POLLYSH,—where are yer? Where'sh that blesshed + bottle?</p> + + <p>I'vesh got a peck o' March dust down my + throttle.</p> + + <p>Give ush that gin—ger beersh, o' course, I + mean.</p> + + <p>Look, POLLY!—shee that creature long and + lean,</p> + + <p>Crawling towardsh us! Jim-Jamsh are not in it</p> + + <p>With thish 'ere Bri's'h Museum! Wai' a minute!</p> + + <p>Where am I? Whersh tha' girl? Can't read this + lingo!</p> + + <p>"Mega—" It moves! <i>Got 'em again, by + Jingo!!!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/167.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/167.png" + alt="AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON." /></a> + + <h3>AN EASTER OBJECT LESSON.</h3>(<i>At the Natural History + Museum.</i>)<br /> + <i>Visitor</i>. "HULLO! I SAY, I'VE GOT 'EM AGIN! GI' ME + THE BLUE RIBBON!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <p><i>March 10</i>.—It has come at last, and I'm free to + confess I don't care for it half as much as I thought I should. + I got the letter five days ago. Here it is:—</p> + + <p class="author">45, <i>Main Street, Billsbury, March</i> 4, + 18—.</p> + + <p>Sir,—I have been in communication with headquarters, + and I am informed that you are looking out for a Constituency + at the next General Election. We have been for some time past + endeavouring to find a Candidate for this Borough, and should + be glad to hear if we may submit your name to the consideration + of our local Council. The political history of Billsbury must + be known to you. Up to the date of the last election we have + always been represented by a Conservative. In fact, Billsbury + was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress of sound + Constitutional opinion.</p> + + <p>Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the + Constituency the time and attention it required. Moreover, I + may mention in strict confidence, that his conduct over the + Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme alienated a considerable number + of his supporters, and the consequence was that at the last + election Sir THOMAS CHUBSON, the Liberal Candidate and present + Member for Billsbury, was elected by a majority of 279. Since + then, however, the Party has rallied, the divisions in our + ranks have been healed, the registrations have been very much + in our favour, and there is no reason to doubt that, as soon as + Billsbury has the chance, she will return to her ancient + allegiance. I shall be in London the day after to-morrow + (Thursday, March 6), and shall do myself the honour of calling + upon you. Kindly let me know where and when I can see you. I + shall be glad to afford you any further information.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND,</p> + + <p class="author"><i>To</i> RICHARD B. PATTLE, Esq., + <i>President Billsbury Conservative Association. Dr. Johnson + Buildings, Temple, E.C.</i></p> + + <p>I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged + me to accept, and told me that even if I failed, which they + said was extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an + irresistible claim on the Party." Afterwards saw VULLIAMY, the + Member for one of the Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of + course you must. Ridiculous to hesitate. A youngster like you, + who only left College four years ago, ought to be proud of the + chance. If you're beaten you'll have a claim on the Party, and + mind you don't let 'em forget it. Curse them, they never think + of a man's valuable services if he doesn't keep on reminding + them himself;" and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an + hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how "the shabby + beggars" had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It + seems the other side manage their business much better. Next I + called on Uncle HENRY in the City. He said he'd stick to his + promise of paying half my expenses, but wouldn't help me to + nurse the place. However, I daresay that won't cost much. + Eventually wrote to Old TOLLAND, and asked him to call at my + Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home and told my + mother. She said, "My darling boy, I knew you would be + distinguished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had + only lived, he would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind + you have that horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery." + And with that she kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the + news. I sloped.</p> + + <p>On Thursday Old TOLLAND called. It seems he's an Alderman, + and I only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted to know, + What were my views on the Labour Question? Was I an Eight + Hours' man? How about Vaccination and Woman's Suffrage? and all + kinds of other rubbish. I had to beat about a good deal, and + answer generally, but at last I consented to address the + Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the day. If accepted, I + shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go through it all + again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose it's the + usual way.</p> + + <center> + (<i>To be continued.</i>) + </center> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Rights of Counsel.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By a Client</i>.)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, what are the "rights" of the Q.C.?</p> + + <p>The point of the question but few see.</p> + + <p class="i6">Those rights are to do</p> + + <p class="i6">What suits <i>him</i>, if not + <i>you</i>!</p> + + <p>Faith! that's the whole business <i>in nuce</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>JOKIN'S LATEST.—"The Surplus will be anything but a + <i>dry</i> subject this year, as it is owing to a steady or + (probably) unsteady consumption of Drink!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page168" + id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:24%;"> + <a href="images/168-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/168-1.png" + alt="'Wonderful!'" /></a>"Wonderful!" + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 23</i>.—Easter + Holidays begin to-morrow; to-night last rally round RAIKES; + Postmaster harried from both sides of House; the Contumacious + COBB begins it; comments on Coroner's conduct beginning to pall + on accustomed appetite; references to delicate investigation in + judicial circles falling flat; so turns upon + POSTMASTER-GENERAL. Wants to know about the Boy Messengers? + Pack in full cry; RAIKES pelted with newspapers, assailed with + over-weighted letters; late at night CAMERON comes up quite + fresh, desiring to "call attention to the position taken up by + the POSTMASTER-GENERAL with regard to the Electric Call and Boy + Messenger System," just as if he had at the moment made the + discovery.</p> + + <p>In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol; + explains it's the thing you work the electric call with. You + press a button here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda; + another button, and you have a sausage and a hot potato; a + third, and your boots are suddenly pulled off by an unseen + agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated in a hansom cab, + with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay your fare + withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the + morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with + the machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who + ought to have been called at this hour.</p> + + <p>GANE, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat entranced, + listening to this interesting narrative, and watching the + illustrations rapidly produced by CAMERON, as he touched the + various buttons.</p> + + <p>"Wonderful!" cried GANE, Q.C. "Never knew anything like it + since I read <i>Arabian Nights</i>."</p> + + <p>"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON.</p> + + <p>Must think this over during the Recess.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/168-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/168-2.png" + alt="The Pillary Post." /></a>The Pillary Post. + </div> + + <p>For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House, + falling into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy + tale.</p> + + <p>"It's only postponed, TOBY," he said, wearily, CAMERON + (having accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly + carried off to bed in the middle of a sentence; "they'll be at + me again to-morrow, and will begin once more, like giants + refreshed, when they come back from the holidays. It's an old + story; the House of Commons must always have its whipping-boy. + Don't know whether you've sat long enough for Barks to remember + AYRTON? A dead set was made against him, and he was not only + driven out of office, but forth from public life. It's + generally the HOME SECRETARY who is fastened on. There was + WALPOLE, chronically reduced to tears. BRUCE was chivied by the + cabmen, and had his hat blocked by the publicans. The blameless + HARCOURT didn't go scot free whilst he was at the Home Office. + MATTHEWS has had a long run, with the hounds after him. Now + they've turned aside from him, and are yelping after me. It's + very well for MATTHEWS, but a little worrying for me. Of course + I don't claim to be perfect. As HARCOURT once admitted of + himself, I'm almost human, I try to do my duty, and protect the + interests of Department committed to my charge. They come in + touch with all classes, and naturally there is friction. Just + now the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised. Perhaps + it'll fall away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather + wearing, so pitilessly monotonous. As you said the other day, a + new constitutional maxim has been established. Once OLD + MORALITY used to write in his copybook, 'The QUEEN can Do no + Wrong.' Now he may add this other, 'The POSTMASTER-GENERAL Does + Nothing Right.'" <i>Business done.</i>—Miscellaneous.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:26%;"> + <a href="images/168-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/168-3.png" + alt="'Stole Away!'" /></a>"Stole Away!" + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday Afternoon</i>.—Winding up business before + holiday; rather a scramble at the end. OLD MORALITY, as usual, + piled up heap of work to be got through. "Quite easy, you + know," he said. "Tithes Bill, Electoral Disabilities Removal + Bill, Savings Bank Bill, take them in your stride. What does + the poet say? Line upon Line; Little by Little; Here to-day and + gone To-morrow. Those are the sound economical principles that + should guide a man through life."</p> + + <p>At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here + to-day, we wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last + stage took a lot of fighting over. House wouldn't have + Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at + any price.</p> + + <p>"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in + despair.</p> + + <p>"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled + out manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the + under-pay of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST + folded his tent like the Arab, and as silently stole away. + Example followed generally by Members in all parts of the + House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying himself, composedly went on to + end of speech, and then adjournment. SPEAKER "kept in" till + Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal Commission. Rest + off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Wound up for Easter + Holidays.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CRITICISING THE CALENDAR.</h2> + + <p>SIR,—The suggestion of your Correspondent "EASTER + EGG," who wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming + on April 20, is excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the + other tide, depends on the moon. What a humiliating confession! + Why should we any longer consent to be the slaves of the + (so-called) Science of Astronomy?</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, REFORMING SPIRIT.</p> + + <p>SIR,—What's all this fuss about Easter being too early + this year? It isn't half early enough. It ought to have come + last Christmas, and Whitsuntide the same, and then we should + have polished off three public holiday seasons—public + nuisances, <i>I</i> call them,—at once.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, gloomily, TRUE PHILANTHROPIST.</p> + + <p>SIR,—I have just been horrified to hear that one of my + boys now at home from school remains with us for a three weeks' + vacation! The early date of Easter is the paltry excuse offered + by his Headmaster for this infliction. Anybody can see through + such a flimsy pretext. His brother is to have <i>his</i> + holiday four weeks later. The result is that the boys will see + nothing of each other during their holidays, while their + parents will see a great deal too much. How can brotherly + affection—I say nothing of fatherly affection,—that + priceless blessing, which I flatter myself I always + conspicuously display—be expected to continue under these + depressing conditions?</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, exasperatedly, FOND PARENT.</p> + + <p>SIR,—As peeple are riting lettres to you about the + Easter holy-days, I should like you to put in what old + BOREHAM—he's our Principul—has been doing. We all + think it a thundring shame. He kept us grinding away right + through Good Friday, Easter Monday, and means us to go on + several weeks afterwards! The result was we had about half a + Hot Cross-Bun each! Old BOREHAM akshally fixed Easter Monday + for going over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese would you + say something in your valyble collums about old BOREHAM, and + oblige</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, obedjiently, SMITH (<i>Tertius</i>), + <i>Rodchester</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13297 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/13297-h/images/157.png b/13297-h/images/157.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..290d3c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/157.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/158.png b/13297-h/images/158.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3de263 --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/158.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/159.png b/13297-h/images/159.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..811b0ad --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/159.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/160.png b/13297-h/images/160.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6a04d3e --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/160.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/161-1.png b/13297-h/images/161-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dee9ed1 --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/161-1.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/161-2.png b/13297-h/images/161-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..857b61a --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/161-2.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/162.png b/13297-h/images/162.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..150d6c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/162.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/163.png b/13297-h/images/163.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fbac27b --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/163.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/165.png b/13297-h/images/165.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d316def --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/165.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/166.png b/13297-h/images/166.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5aece2e --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/166.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/167.png b/13297-h/images/167.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..438c7ff --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/167.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/168-1.png b/13297-h/images/168-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5b08009 --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/168-1.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/168-2.png b/13297-h/images/168-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e6e641 --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/168-2.png diff --git a/13297-h/images/168-3.png b/13297-h/images/168-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..582272f --- /dev/null +++ b/13297-h/images/168-3.png |
