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diff --git a/13313-0.txt b/13313-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3823434 --- /dev/null +++ b/13313-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1309 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13313 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOLUME 100. + + + +May 9, 1891. + + + + +A FIRST VISIT TO THE "NAVERIES." + +"Shiver my timbers!" said the Scribe. + +"Haul down my yard-arm with a marling-spike!" cried the Artist. + +And with these strictly nautical expressions, two of _Mr. Punch's_ +Own entered the Royal Naval Exhibition, which now occupies the larger +portion of the grounds of the Military Hospital, Chelsea. That so +popular a show should be allowed to occupy so large a site speaks +wonders for the amiability of the British Public. When the Sodgeries +appeared last year, it was, so to speak, with fear and trembling that +"the powers that were" appropriated a little of the ground usually +over-run by the Nobility and Gentry of the Pimlico Road and its +vicinity; or, rather, by their haughty offspring. This year the tough +old sea-dogs of the Admiralty have had no hesitation in taking +what they required, apparently without causing comment, much less +objection. And the result? In lieu of the dusty arena of 1890, +scarcely large enough for a ladies' cricket-match, there appears in +1891 an enclosure containing lakes and lighthouses, panoramas, and +full-size models of men-of-war! And the Public take their exclusion +philosophically, either paying their shillings at the door, or +attempting to get a view of the hoofs of the nautical horses through +the gaps in the surrounding hoardings. + +The Scribe and the Artist, having been ordered by He Who Must Be +Obeyed in the world generally, and at 85, Fleet Street, in particular, +to make a sort of preliminary cruise through the wonders of the +(Admiralty) Deep, hastened from the inviting grounds into the main +building, with its pictures, its plans, and last, but (it is only +just to say) least, its pickles. The first object that attracted their +favourable attention was a trophy of arms, representing the fashions +of the past and the present. On one side were shrapnel and magazine +rifles, on the other flint-locks and the ordnance of an age long gone +by. Next they passed through the Arctic section, wherein they found +dummies drawing a sledge through the canvas snow of a corded-off North +Pole. Then they entered the Picture Galleries called after NELSON and +BENBOW, wherein magnificent paintings by POWELL, full of smoke and +action, served as an appropriate background to the collection of +plate, lent by that gallant sailor-warrior and industrious collector +of well-considered trifles, H.R.H. the Duke of EDINBURGH. They glanced +at the relics of Trafalgar, and then hurried away to the HOWE Gallery, +which, containing as it did specimens of the implements used in +the game of golf, might have as appropriately been christened the +WHEREFORE. Next they skirted a corridor full of plans, and here they +discovered that the Committee of the Exhibition must be wags, every +Jack Tar of them! This corridor was close to the Dining-rooms, and the +Committee (ha! ha! ha!) had called it (he! he! he!) after COOK! (Ho! +ho! ho!) Oh, the wit of it! How the Members of the Executive must have +nudged one another in the ribs as the quaint idea dawned upon them! +And how they must have laughed, too, on the Opening Day, when the +Guard of Honour, presenting arms, and the "Greenwich Boys" singing +"_Ye Mariners of England_," were drenched in the rain! And what a +capital notion it was on that occasion to put "the Representatives of +the Fourth Estate" (no doubt called by _them_, with many a sly twinkle +of the eye, "the Press Gang") into a pen that soon, thanks to a series +of water-spouts, assumed the appearance of a tank! + +After leaving the Galleries, the Scribe and the Artist looked up at +the model of Eddystone Lighthouse, and entered a shed declared to be +an "Arctic Scene." Here they were reminded by the introduced ship +of those happy days of their boyhood spent in the toy-shops of the +Lowther Arcade. Next they visited the Panorama of Trafalgar, and +revelled in the carnage of a sea-fight that only required Margate in +the distance to be entirely convincing. They glanced at the arena, and +gazed with awe at the lake which is to be devoted to the manoeuvring +of miniature ironclads. It will be interesting to note whether these +mimic combats will hold their own in the coming season against the +introduction of capsized clowns, drenched old women, and comic police. +Keeping the best for the last, the Scribe and the Artist now entered +the model of the _Victory_--a really admirable exhibition. There they +saw before them the old battle-ship with its full equipment, as it +was in the days of NELSON--when that deathless hero expected every +Englishman (not excluding even those passing the Custom House--as +the Committee would say) "to _do_ his duty." To make the illusion +complete, the great sea-captain was observed dying in the cook-pit in +the agonies of wax. And to think that this work was executed by a firm +of house-decorators! Why, who would not, after this, have his back +drawing-room converted into the quarter-deck of the _Shannon_, and his +spare bed-room into a tiny reproduction of the Battle of Copenhagen! + +[Illustration: Mr. Punch's Representatives, after partaking of +Chelsea Hospitality (_a purely fancy sketch_).] + +The Scribe and the Artist, on their visit, were invited by all sorts +and conditions of men to partake of champagne. The moment it was +discovered that they were "connected with the Press," the offerers +of hospitality were absolutely overwhelming. But, obeying the best +traditions of their order, they sternly, but courteously, refused all +refreshment. It is fortunate they pursued this course, for had they +received the entirely disinterested kindness of their would-be hosts, +their recollections of the marvels of the Royal Naval Exhibition would +no doubt have been of the haziest character imaginable. As it was, +they were able to take their departure through the main entrance +with some show of dignity, and not in a less imposing manner (as the +Committee--_Cook's_ Gallery near the Dining-rooms--ho! ho! ho! ha! ha! +ha!--would probably and amusingly suggest), by Tite Street. + + * * * * * + +AMONG THE IMMORTALS. + +Mr. PUNCH would be failing in his duty to Art and the British +Public if he did not place on imperishable record his notes of the +exceptionally brilliant Royal Academy Banquet of last Saturday. H.R.H. +the Prince of WALES made one of his best and briefest speeches, in +which he feelingly alluded to the late Sir EDGAR BOËHM, R.A. Never +was the President, Sir FREDERICK, more eloquent, or his themes more +varied; for this occasion is noteworthy as being the first time in the +history of this great annual representative gathering that the toast +of Music and the Drama has been duly honoured. Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN +responded for the first, and HENRY IRVING for the second. Both made +excellent speeches. Sir ARTHUR'S solo was most effective; his notes +were in his head; he gave us several variations on the original +theme, and cleverly played upon one word in saying that music had been +"instrumental" on various historical occasions. HENRY IRVING followed +suit; he spoke of Mrs. SIDDONS, Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, and of a +professional gentleman, one ROSCIUS, mentioned, we believe, by +_Hamlet_ as having been, some considerable time ago, "a man of parts," +that is an Actor, in Rome. It was a great success. Sir FREDERICK then +proposed the LORD MAYOR, which may be briefly expressed as "a toast +with a Savory to follow." For "The Visitors," Lord Justice BOWEN, +catching sight of the President's classical picture (No. 232), made a +happy hit about the delights of a honeymoon in the Infernal Regions, +ending in the return of Proserpine to her mother Ceres by order of the +Court above. Finally, the President, in summing up the losses to Art +during the past year, paid a graceful tribute to the memory of CHARLES +KEENE, who, but a short while ago, was our fellow-worker on the staff +of _Mr. Punch_ With a hopeful allusion to the Storage of Artistic +Force in the near future, the President concluded: but this Banquet of +1891 will long live in the recollection of all whose privilege it was +to be present on so memorable an occasion. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL NOTES. + +I SAY! YSAYE! _Why say?_ Why _not_ say that YSAYE is a grand Yolinist, +since he is this; and, as 'ARRY would observe, "No error!" and whoever +says the contrary, is not speaking the absolute truth, but "_Ysaye +Worsay_." The Yolinist had the advantage of the co-operation of a fine +Orchestra, under the Magic Wand of Conductor COWEN. + +On the 27th, Heard young JEAN GERARDY, Little boy, but player hardy, +Not the slightest Lardy-Dardy, Not yet out of care of "Guardy," Heard +him _Lundi_, not on _Mardi_. But, whene'er he plays, your Bardy, +Always spry, and never tardy, Will again hear JEAN GERARDY. + + * * * * * + +GENERAL SUMMARY OF CARICATURES OF MR. GLADSTONE.--"Collarable +Imitations." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASHION'S FLORALIA: OR, THE URBAN QUEEN OF +THE MAY.] + + * * * * * + +FASHION'S FLORALIA; + +OR, THE URBAN QUEEN OF THE MAY. + +(_A Song of the Season, a very long way after Herrick_.) + + "London town is another affair + Since HERRICK wrote his perfect rhymes." + +MORTIMER COLLINS. + + True, sadly true, shaper of rattling rhymes, + London hath changed with process of the times. + Aurora now may "throw her faire + Fresh-quilted colours through the aire," + But our conditions atmospheric + Are not as in the days of HERRICK. + Nathless the Muse to-day may see + Flora at urban revelry. + See how the goddess trippeth from the West, + Fragrant, though something fashionably drest; + The Season waketh at her tread, + Art lifteth a long-drooping head; + Music doth make a merry din. + 'Tis profanation, keeping in, + Whenas a hundred Shows upon this day + Spring, lightly as the lark to fetch in May. + + Rise, Nymph, put on fresh finery, and be seen, + To come forth like the Spring-time, fresh and green! + And gay as Flora. Art is there, + With flowing hyacinthine hair. + Fear not, the throng will strew + Largess abundant upon _you_, + When Burlington's great Opening Day is kept. + Gone is thy Grosvenor rival, not unwept; + But a New Nymph, with footing light, + Trips it beside thee, nor hath night + Shadowed sweet "Aquarelle" whose skill, + As of a Water-Nymph, is still + Well to the fore. Pipe up! playing means paying, + When Fashion's Urban Flora goes a-Maying. + + Come, my CORINNA, come; and, coming, mark + How each street turns a grove, each square a park, + Made green and trimmed with trees: see how + The pinky hawthorn decks the bough! + Each Bond Street porch, or door, ere this + Of Art a Tabernacle is; + Nor Art alone. With May is interwove + Seaweed, which Neptune's favourites love. + SWINBURNE should sing in stanzas fleet, + How NELSON may, at Chelsea, meet + ARMSTRONG! Sound conch-shell! Let's obey + Thy Proclamation made for May. + Wild marine whiffs from the salt sea are straying, + And the brine greets us as we go a-Maying. + + There's not a London-Teuton but this day + Hath a new welcome for the English May. + Germania from her distant home + In Flora's train this year doth come. + She hath despatched her country's cream + Of things, to make the Cockney dream. + Neptune and she have wooed and plighted troth, + And her we give May-welcome, nothing loth, + As many a welcome we have given + To France, Spain, Italy! War hath riven + Many true hearts, but we're content + Of Peace to make experiment. + Blow Teuton horn--(not like "_Hernani's_" braying!)-- + It makes new music as we go a-Maying! + + Come, let us go, while May is in its prime, + And make the best of the brief Season's time. + HERRICK'S CORINNA might not see + An Urban May Queen such as we + Behold disport in our rare sun. + Rouse, Nymph! The Season is begun! + We'll trust no blizzard, and no boreal rain + May mar "Our Opening Day." Sound flutes again! + Pipe, Sir FREDERICK! Ah, well played! + Tootle thy new strains, fair Maid. + Blow, oh Briny One, with might! + Teuton BRUNEHILD, glad our sight! + Fashion's Floralia, Nymph, invite our straying; + Come, my CORINNA, come; let's go a-Maying! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT +UNSAID. + +_Painter_. "WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? THIS IS THE PICTURE THEY'VE THOUGHT +PROPER TO REJECT! I'LL BE SO BOLD AS TO SAY, THERE ARE NOT TWENTY +BETTER IN THE WHOLE EXHIBITION!" + +_Friend_. "DEAR ME! IS IT SUCH A POOR ACADEMY AS THAT?"] + + * * * * * + +THE HUMOUR O'T! + +(_Namely of Parliament, as seen through Harry Furniss's fancy._) + +AIR--"_The Wooing o't._" + + LIKA JOKO makes us laugh, + Ha! ha! the humour o't! + With caricature and caustic chaff; + He! he! the humour o't! + Parliament strikes some as slow, + LIKA JOKO deems not so; + Visit _his_ St. Stephen's Show! + Humph! humph! the humour o't! + + GLADSTONE stern and GLADSTONE staid, + Ha! ha! the humour o't! + GLADSTONE in war-paint arrayed, + He! he! the humour o't! + GLADSTONE "Out" and GLADSTONE "In," + GLADSTONE with colossal chin, + Giant collars plunged within, + Humph! humph! the humour o't! + + SMITH with bland perennial smile, + Ha! ha! the humour o't! + BALFOUR, pet of the Green Isle, + He! he! the humour o't! + HARCOURT, big as Babel's tower, + GOSCHEN, with myopic glower, + JOSEPH of the orchid-flower. + Humph! humph! the humour o't! + + How they muster, how they "tell," + Ha! ha! the humour o't! + Woes of the Division Bell, + He! he! the humour o't! + _All_--from Prayers to "Who goes Home?" + O'er St. Stephens you may roam; + LIKA JOKO bids you. Come! + Humph! humph! the humour o't! + + LIKA JOKO is a wag, + Ha! ha! the humour o't! + All the tricks are in his bag, + He! he! the humour o't! + He can mimic, he can mime, + Draw, and act, and--what is prime-- + _Keep you laughing all the time._ + Humph! humph! the humour o't! + + * * * * * + +Why doesn't some Musical Photographic Artist of Scotch Nationality +compose a March for his fellow Professors and Practisers, and call it +"_The March of the Camera Men_"? Sure to be popular. + + * * * * * + +AN UN-"COMMON" GOOD HORSE.--The Winner of this Year's Two Thousand. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite._) + +No. III.--HEDDA GABLER. + +ACT. III. + +SCENE.--_The same Room, but--it being evening--darker than ever--The +crape curtains are drawn. A Servant, with black ribbons in her cap, +and red eyes, comes in and lights the gas quietly and carefully. +Chords are heard on the piano in the back Drawing-room. Presently_ +HEDDA _comes in and looks out into the darkness. A short pause. Enter_ +GEORGE TESMAN. + +_George_. I am _so_ uneasy about poor LÖVBORG. Fancy! he is not at +home. Mrs. ELVSTED told me he had been here early this morning, so I +suppose you gave him back his manuscript, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_cold and immovable, supported by arm-chair_). No, I put it +on the fire instead. + +_George_. On the fire! LÖVBORG'S wonderful new book that he read to +me at BRACK'S party, when we had that wild revelry last night! Fancy +_that!_ But, I say, HEDDA--isn't that _rather_--eh? _Too_ bad, you +know--really. A great work like that. How on earth did you come to +think of it? + +_Hedda_ (_suppressing an almost imperceptible smile_). Well, dear +GEORGE, you gave me a tolerably strong hint. + +_George_. Me? Well, to be sure--that _is_ a joke! Why, I only said +that I envied him for writing such a book, and it would put me +entirely in the shade if it came out, and if anything was to happen to +it, I should never forgive myself, as poor LÖVBORG couldn't write it +all over again, and so we must take the greatest care of it! And then +I left it on a chair and went away--that was all! And you went and +burnt the book all up! Bless me, who _would_ have expected it? + +_Hedda_. Nobody, you dear simple old soul! But I did it for your +sake--it was _love_, GEORGE! + +_George_ (_in an outburst between doubt and joy_). HEDDA, you don't +mean that! Your love takes such queer forms sometimes, Yes, but +yes--(_laughing in excess of joy_), why, you _must_ be fond of me! +Just think of that now! Well, you _are_ fun, HEDDA! Look here, I must +just run and tell the housemaid that--she will enjoy the joke so, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_coldly, in self-command_). It is surely not necessary, even +for a clever Norwegian man of letters in a realistic social drama, to +make quite such a fool of himself as all that? + +_George_. No, that's true too. Perhaps we'd better keep it +quiet--though I _must_ tell Aunt JULIE--it will make her so happy to +hear that you burnt a manuscript on my account! And, besides, I should +like to ask her whether that's a usual thing with young wives. (_Looks +uneasy and pensive again._) But poor old EJLERT'S manuscript! Oh Lor, +you know! Well, well! [Mrs. ELVSTED _comes in_. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, please, I'm so uneasy about dear Mr. LÖVBORG. Something +has happened to him, I'm sure! + +_Judge Brack_ (_comes in from the hall, with a new hat in his hand_). +You have guessed it, first time. Something _has!_ + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, dear, good gracious! What is it? Something distressing, +I'm certain of it! [_d._ + +_Brack_ (_pleasantly_). That depends on how one takes it. He has shot +himself, and is in a hospital now, that's all! + +_George_ (_sympathetically_). That's sad, eh? poor old LÖVBORG! Well, +I _am_ cut up to hear that. Fancy, though, eh? + +_Hedda_. Was it through the temple, or through the breast? The breast? +Well, one can do it beautifully through the breast, too. Do you know, +as an advanced woman, I like an act of that sort--it's so positive, to +have the courage to settle the account with himself--it's beautiful, +really! + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, HEDDA, what an odd way to look at it! But never mind +poor dear Mr. LÖVBORG now. What _we've_ got to do is to see if we +can't put his wonderful manuscript, that he said he had torn to +pieces, together again. (_Takes a bundle of small pages out of the +pocket of her mantle._) There are the loose scraps he dictated it to +me from. I hid them on the chance of some such emergency. And if +dear Mr. TESMAN and I were to put our heads together, I _do_ think +something might come of it. + +_George_. Fancy! I will dedicate my life--or all I can spare of it--to +the task. I seem to feel I owe him some slight amends, perhaps. No use +crying over spilt milk, eh, Mrs. ELVSTED? We'll sit down--just you and +I--in the back drawing-room, and see if you can't inspire me as you +did him, eh? + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, goodness, yes! I should like it--if it only might be +possible! + +[GEORGE _and_ Mrs. E. _go into the back Drawing-room and +become absorbed in eager conversation_; HEDDA _sits in a chair in the +front room, and a little later_ BRACK _crosses over to her._ + +_Hedda_ (_in a low tone_). Oh, Judge, _what_ a relief to know that +everything--including LÖVBORG'S pistol--went off so well! In the +breast! Isn't there a veil of unintentional beauty in that? Such an +act of voluntary courage, too! + +_Brack_ (_smiles_). Hm!--perhaps, dear Mrs. HEDDA-- + +_Hedda_ (_enthusiastically_). But _wasn't_ it sweet of him! To have +the courage to live his own life after his own fashion--to break away +from the banquet of life--_so_ early and _so_ drunk! A beautiful act +like that _does_ appeal to a superior woman's imagination! + +_Brack_. Sorry to shatter your poetical illusions, little Mrs. HEDDA, +but, as a matter of fact, our lamented friend met his end under other +circumstances. The shot did _not_ strike him in the _breast_--but-- +[_Pauses._ + +_Hedda_ (_excitedly_). General GABLER'S pistols! I might have known +it! Did they _ever_ shoot straight? Where _was_ he hit, then? + +_Brack_ (_in a discreet undertone_). A little lower down! + +_Hedda_. Oh, _how_ disgusting!--how vulgar!--how ridiculous!--like +everything else about me! + +_Brack_. Yes, we're realistic types of human nature, and all that--but +a trifle squalid, perhaps. And why did you give LÖVBORG your pistol, +when it was certain to be traced by the police? For a charming +cold-blooded woman with a clear head and no scruples, wasn't it just a +leetle foolish? + +_Hedda_. Perhaps; but I wanted him to do it beautifully, and he +didn't! Oh, I've just admitted that I _did_ give him the pistol--how +annoyingly unwise of me! Now I'm in _your_ power, I suppose? + +_Brack_. Precisely--for some reason it's not easy to understand. +But it's inevitable, and you know how you dread anything approaching +scandal. All your past proceedings show that. (_To_ GEORGE _and_ Mrs. +E., _who come in together from the back-room._) Well, how are you +getting on with the reconstruction of poor LÖVBORG'S great work, eh? + +[Illustration: "What! the accounts of all those everlasting +bores settled?"] + +_George_. Capitally; we've made out the first two parts already. And +really, HEDDA, I do believe Mrs. ELVSTED _is_ inspiring me; I begin to +feel it coming on. Fancy that! + +_Mrs. E._ Yes, goodness! HEDDA, _won't_ it be lovely if I can. I mean +to try _so_ hard! + +_Hedda_. Do, you dear little silly rabbit; and while you are trying I +will go into the back drawing-room and lie down. + +[_She goes into the back-room and draws the curtains. Short pause. +Suddenly she is heard playing_ "The Bogie Man" _within on the piano._ + +_George_. But, dearest HEDDA, don't play "_The Bogie Man_" this +evening. As one of my aunts is dead, and poor old LÖVBORG has shot +himself, it seems just a little pointed, eh? + +_Hedda_ (_puts her head out between the curtains_). All right! I'll be +quiet after this. I'm going to practise with the late General GABLER'S +pistol! + +[_Closes the curtains again_; GEORGE _gets behind the stove_, Judge +BRACK _under the table, and_ Mrs. ELVSTED _under the sofa. A shot is +heard within._ + +_George_ (_behind the stove_). Eh, look here, I tell you what--she's +hit _me!_ Think of that! + +[_His legs are visibly agitated for a short +time. Another shot is heard._ + +_Mrs. E._ (_under the sofa_). Oh, please, not me! Oh, goodness, now +I can't inspire anybody any more. Oh! + +[_Her feet, which can be seen +under the valance, quiver a little, and then are suddenly still._ + +_Brack_ (_vivaciously, from under the table_). I say, Mrs. HEDDA, +I'm coming in every evening--we will have great fun here togeth-- +(_Another shot is heard._) Bless me! to bring down the poor old +cock-of-the-walk--it's unsportsmanlike!--it's--. + +[_The table-cloth is violently agitated for a minute, and presently +the curtains open, and_ HEDDA _appears._ + +_Hedda_ (_clearly and firmly_). I've been trying in there to shoot +myself beautifully--but with General GABLER'S pistol--(_She lifts the +tablecloth, then looks behind the stove and under the sofa._) What! +the accounts of all those everlasting bores settled? Then my suicide +becomes unnecessary. Yes, I feel the courage of life once more! + +[_She goes into the back-room and plays_ "The Funeral March of a +Marionette" _as the Curtain falls._ + +THE END (_with the usual apologies_). + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: "J'y suis." +Pro Arris et focus.] + + +_Monday.--Le Prophête_.--Notable performance. Profit to those who +were there; loss to those who weren't. The two Poles, NED and JOHN DE +RESZKÉ, excellent as the Tipster, or Prophet, and the Chief Anabaptist +Swindler. Madame RICHARD--"_O Richard, Oma Reine!_" repeated her grand +impersonation of _Fides_, but being a trifle "out of it" as to tune +occasionally, I cannot be _Fidei Defensor_, and swear she was quite +correct, so can only report that RICHARD was a bit "dicky"; otherwise, +sings like a Dicky-Bird. Cathedral Scene magnificent. Rites are wrong, +probably; but these are trifles, except to strict ritualists. Skating +Scene not up to date; it was a novelty once upon a time, but rinks +have done for it. There was an unrehearsed effect in the Prison Scene, +when the walls collapsed--the imprisoned Madame RICHARD escaped, and +the Curtain descended. Nobody hurt. The walls, which had fallen, +like those of Jericho, to the sound of the trumpet, were put away +carefully, for alteration and repairs. The prisoner, issuing from +her narrow fire-escape, was recaptured, and the Opera ended with the +Drinking Scene, the Prophet among the Peris, a peri-lous situation, +which makes the Opera go, at the climax, "like a house-a-fire." Burns +Justice is done to the Impostor, and, at a late hour, we call our +cabs, and return to hum "_béviam_" over "a modest quencher." + +_Saturday_.--BOÏTO'S _Mefistofele_. Strong combination. Excellent. But +big "waits" made it heavy. + + * * * * * + +AN AGRICULTURAL TRIPOS. + +PRELIMINARY EXAMINATION PAPER. + +1. A field is ploughed three years running. Can it still have a shy +at its little go? Examine this, and say all you know about "PIERS, or +PEARS, the Ploughman." Did he use his own soap? + +2. How do you extract the square of a Beet-root? In connection with +this, say how much it will take to square a "Swede?" + +3. Explain the use of the "Sewing-machine" for agricultural purposes. +What do you mean by "going against the grain?" + +4. You plant a field of corn. What plaster do you adopt when it begins +to shoot? Also give the best remedy you know for _corn in the ear_. + +5. Write a Sentimental History of the Harvest Moon. Is it really twice +as big as any other moon, or does it only look so, after drinking the +landlord's health several times over? + +6. To what _gourmet_ giving a dinner-party in January is attributed +the historical saying, "_Peas_ at any price"? + +7. How many black beans will make five white ones? Given the number, +explain the process, and solve the equation. + +8. What pomade do you recommend for "top-dressing"? + +9. What would be an M.P.'s first step towards squaring a circle of +Agricultural Voters? + + * * * * * + +SAD STORY.--A painter, who had on several occasions aspired to a place +in the Chantrey Collection, and invariably been refused, on being +encouraged to launch a fresh venture, and spread his canvas, which +would be soon filled, for a sale, replied dejectedly, "Chantrey be +blowed; I _shan't try_ any more!" Poor fellow! He must indeed have +been bad. He has not been heard of since. The Serpentine has been +dragged. + + * * * * * + +THE HANSOM CAB STRIKE!--Remarkable Conversion!! Not yet concluded! +Last week another lot of Hansoms became Growlers. + + * * * * * + +REPARTEE TO A SPOUSE. + +Both parties in the recent extraordinary abduction case, where a +Mrs. JONES was carried off down a rope-ladder at midnight by her own +husband, Mr. JONES, have published statements defending their own line +of conduct. The following is Mrs. JONES'S version:-- + +"As public opinion appears to have erroneously taken +my--so-called--husband's side, as far as I can gather from my having +been twice chased through the streets by an infuriated mob, and +four separate attempts having been made to blow up my house +with nitro-glycerine, I feel compelled to explain--with much +reluctance--why it was that I declined to live with Mr. JONES. + +"To begin with, it was only under _the most awful threats_ that Mr. +JONES prevailed on me to become his wife. His words--I remember them +well--were, 'My darling, you know how tenderly I adore you; if you +don't marry me _at once_ I'll break every bone in your body!' He then +snatched my bonnet, a _new one_, from my head, and so acted on my +_nerves_ that I went off to the Registry Office and was married. That +he was actuated by merely mercenary motives is proved by the fact that +the gratuity (of half-a-crown), which he presented to the Registry +Clerk, he actually _borrowed from me!_ I knew him already to be +unprincipled; but never until that moment had it flashed upon me that +he was a _fortune-hunter!_ However, as he had the drawing-room poker +with him--he kept it concealed up his back during the ceremony at the +Registry Office--I did not at that time say anything, but handed him +the coin. I do not know if I should have left him at once, had he not +aggravated the baseness of his conduct by using the vulgar expression, +'Fork it out quick!' But I regret to say that his origin is painfully +_low_. Whereas, anybody who consults _my_ relatives will hear from +them that they belong to the very highest County Families. Indeed, he +would hear it all day long if he lived with them, as I do! + +"On the day of the abduction, I was treated _barbarously!_ Even the +cab in which I was taken off was, so the coachman informed me, 'put +down to my account.' Oh, had I but guessed the truth about Mr. JONES +when I went to the Altar--I mean the Registry Office! Supper consisted +of _cold mutton and pickles_ (!) which latter he upset, and I had a +dress _ruined_." + +On perusing the above, Mr. JONES decided that he could no longer keep +silence, and has made public the subjoined explanation:-- + +"When I first saw Mrs. JONES--then Miss THOMPSON--her youthful grace +quite captivated me. Her age was under fifty-six, and mine was just +sixty. She was, in fact, as I told her at the time, almost old enough +to know her own mind. It is true that she was wealthy, but that had +no influence on my conduct. On the contrary I felt it as a positive +drawback, as my domestic ideal has always been Love in a Cottage! But +as she was bent upon our marrying, I agreed to waive this objection. + +"In proof of this assertion I need only say that on the _very day +after_ our first meeting, I received the following letter:-- + +"'PRICELESS AND ADORABLE PET,--How _are_ your little +tootsy-wootsicums? _Did_ they get wet in conducting me home after +that _delicious_ interview? If so, and you were to catch cold in your +precious head, I should never forgive myself. Oh, come and see me +_soon!_ Your Own, till Death, ANGELINA.' + +"Possibly I may be blamed for publishing this letter. I do it for +_her_ sake, not for mine. Even now I believe that, were I left alone +with her for an hour, with none of her relatives nor a policeman near, +I could persuade her to retract her calumnious statement about the +poker. I conclude by saying that it is my belief that her relatives, +who are all of them powerful mesmerists, have _hypnotised her!_" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_My Face is My Fortune_, by Messrs. PHILIPS and FENDALL. Why don't +they agree to spell both names with an "F," and make it FILLIPS and +FENDALL. I fancy that FENDALL couldn't do without the sensational +fillips. This story excites curiosity throughout the first volume, +and then, in the other volume, satisfies it in so disappointing and +commonplace a fashion as to suggest the idea that one of the authors, +becoming weary of his share in the work, suddenly chucked it up, +and said, "Oh, bother! let's finish anyhow;" and then the other +_collaborateur_, whichever it was, did finish it as best and as +quickly as he could. There is evidence of laziness or of lack of +invention in the story. If it were for the first time in fiction that +a secret is learnt by some one hiding behind some pantomime plants +in a conservatory, then too much praise could not be bestowed on the +ingenious devisers of so strong and original a situation. But as "we +know that situation,--he comes from Sheffield," and as it has done +duty some scores of times before, on or off the stage, why, the +thoroughgoing novel-reader shakes his head and asks, "Couldn't they +have devised something better than this between them?" "I expected +much from this combination in Authorship, and am disappointed," says +the candid BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE NEWLY-MARRIED ONE) +HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Our Artist_. "JUST LOOK, DARLING! I WAS SHORT OF CANVASSES, SO I'VE +STRETCHED A CLEAN POCKET-HANDKERCHIEF!--SEE HOW SPLENDIDLY IT TAKES +THE PAINT!" + +_His Prudent Little Wife._. "OH, JOHN DEAR, HOW EXTRAVAGANT OF YOU! +_IT'LL NEVER COME OUT!_"] + + * * * * * + +THE ADOPTED CHILD. + + "Last year the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER frittered away his + resources in a number of small remissions, for which hardly + anyone was grateful. This year he squanders the greater + part of his surplus in providing for Free, or--as the phrase + is--Assisted Education--an innovation for which there is + hardly any genuine demand, and which a very large class of the + community, including many of the most loyal supporters of the + Government, view with rooted distrust."--_The Standard_. + +MRS. GAMP (_the "Old Regular_") _loquitur_:-- + + "More changes, too, to come afore we have done with changes!" + Ah! I said that to good Mister MOULD years agone; which 'ow memory + ranges + All over them dear "Good Old Times," as I wish them wos back agen, + bless 'em! + Which the new ones ain't much to _my_ mind; there's too many fresh + "monthlies" to mess 'em. + No; monthlying ain't wot it were; the perfession's too open, a lump. + Nusses now ain't no more like old SAIREY, no not than the old Aldgit + Pump. + Like the Cristial Palluses fountings; A Pilgjian's Projiss is life, + And a Nuss ain't no more _like_ a Nuss than a Wife now resembles a + Wife. + + Heigho! Which it's no use a frettin'. But _Fondlings_! Ah, well, I + _did_ think + Our respectable fam'lies, _though_ mixed, from sich ojus demeaning + would shrink, + Which no greater hinsult to _me_, the old reglar, could well be + deviged; + And though I've to live and to learn, I confess as this turn I'm + serpriged. + A Fondling!!! Turned up unbeknownst on a doorstep permiskus, no doubt. + And then to _adopt_ him! Oh dear, wot the plague is our Party about? + Wich to monthly to _it_ were my pride; its legitermit offspring I've + nussed + Many years with the greatest success, but to-day I feels flurried and + fussed, + And my eyes is Saint Polge's fontin with tears, and this brat is their + source; + As it isn't no offspring of _ourn_--of the fam'ly I mean, Ma'am, in + course; + But a Brummagem bantling, picked hup, as were not worth its swaddlin' + and food, + And I never yet knowed any brat from _that_ source as turned out any + good. + Missis G., Mum, it's all a mistake, as you know in your 'art all the + same, + For you turned up your nose at the child when JOE CHAMBERLING give him + a name, + Afore we was thick with his set, when you snubbed him, and laughed him + to scorn, + And heaped naughty names on this kid, as you swore was his nat'ral + fust-born. + And now you come dandling, and doddling, and patting the brat on the + 'ed, + And forgetting the things as you promiged, and backing on all as you + said. + Missis G., you do raly amaze me! This comes of our precious mix-up; + Which the child's no more like one of ourn than a pug's like a + tarrier-pup. + + In the best-regulated o' fam'lies things will go askew, I'm aweer; + As I says to my friend Mrs. HARRIS, as says to me, "SAIREY, my dear, + You looks dragged, my sweet creetur," she says. "Missis HARRIS," I + makes 'er reply, + "When the 'art in one's buzzum beats 'ot, there's excuge for the tear + in one's heye. + Which wales isn't in it for worrit, my love, with your poor old pal, + SAIREY, + Along o' the Fam'ly," I says; "as things _do_ seem to go that + contrairey, + _My_ services now ain't required, with 'adoptions' all over the shop, + From Brummagem, yus, and elsewheres; and I ast 'Where is this thing to + stop?' + RITCHIE'S 'pick-up' was tryin', most tryin'; and as to those bad Irish + brats, + As BALFOUR interjuced--dear! jest fancy our Party adopting small Pats! + And now this here Brummagem babby! You say he's a promising cheild, + Missis G., and 'you're learning to love him!' All this makes old + SAIREY feel wild. + It's wus than kidnapping, this bizness of picking up 'Fondlings' all + round. + You're nussing a wiper, _I_ say, and you'll soon feel 'is bite, _I'll_ + be bound. + Who arsked for 'im, BETSY--I mean Missis G.--who demanded the brat? + _You_'ve altered your mind, and you pet him; you'd much better mind + what you're at. + Drat the boy's bragian imperence! _I_ says. He's a halien, a fondling, + a waif, + And _I_ never knew, for my part, _any_ Brummagem goods as wos _safe!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ADOPTED CHILD. + +MOTHER GOSCHEN. "FOUND 'IM IN BIRMINGHAM, MY DEAR! DIDN'T LIKE 'IM AT +FIRST,--BUT, SOMEHOW, I'VE QUITE TOOK A FANCY TO 'IM!!" + +MRS. GAMP. "A FONDLING INDEED!--WHICH ALL I CAN SAY IS I DON'T LIKE +THE LOOKS OF 'IM!!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 27_.--"Well, I never!" said GEORGE +ELLIOT, beaming on House from back bench; "have known HARCOURT man +and boy for forty years; seen him in divers moods; watched him through +various occupations. These have been so many that I have had time to +forget he was once Chancellor of the Exchequer; but he was, and +upon my word, listening to him to-night, and knowing something +about figures myself, I believe he would have made a splash at the +Treasury." + +[Illustration: Genial George.] + +JOKIM doesn't enjoy performance quite so much as GENIAL GEORGE. Oddly +enough, Budget Night, which ought to be the apex of comfort and +glory for CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, is with him ever the season of +tribulation. House of Commons is, regarded as audience, always at its +best on Budget Night. Will laugh immoderately at feeblest joke +uttered by CHANCELLOR; cheers to the echo his moral sentiments; sits +enraptured when he soars into eloquence; and is undisguisedly grateful +when he has completed his peroration. JOKIM'S muddle of Thursday +night made the best of. Opposition silenced by promised legislation +establishing Free Education. Everything in sunshine-glow of +prosperity. Thought JOKIM might keep some of the sunbeams for himself. +Then comes HARCOURT with the abhorrëd shears of facts and figures, +and slits the thin-spun web of JOKIM'S ingenious fancy; shows that, +instead of a surplus, he has, when honest arithmetic is set to work, a +deficit; instead of increasing the rate of reduction of National Debt, +he has done less in that direction than his predecessors; and that +whilst expenditure on Army and Navy has exceeded any figures reached +by former Chancellors of the Exchequer, the floating debt is ever +growing. + +JOKIM sits on Treasury Bench affecting the virtue of a smile though +he has it not. Wriggles like a snail under dispensation of salt. When +HARCOURT finished, HENRY FOWLER stepped in, and with fresh array of +figures and new marshalling of argument, completed the demolition of +JOKIM'S system of finance. Mr. G. looked smilingly on, delighting in +the energy and aptitude of his Young Men. JOKIM, anxious to change the +subject on any terms, tried to draw Mr. G. into the controversy. "I +think not," said Mr. G., with a smile of ineffable sweetness. "Right +Hon. Gentleman need not go so far afield: will have pretty tough job +in answering HARCOURT." + +A pretty scene; admirable Parliamentary play. Oddly enough boxes +empty; stalls a wilderness; pit only half full. Energies of House +so sapped with dreary flood of talk on Irish Land Bill cannot be +reanimated even for a brisk battle over the Budget. + +_Business done_.--JOKIM pummelled to pulp. + + +_Tuesday_.--OLD MORALITY walked out of House just now, his back +suffused with sense of duty done, alike to QUEEN and Country. Irish +Land Bill, which, as CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN says, makes a Moated Grange of +House of Commons, on again all day. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE and +his Party active as usual. The PARTY a little doubtful of the SAGE. +Sometimes, in blessed intervals of silence, is discovered gazing on +a bald space on back of SAGE'S head, striving, as it were, to pierce +through this weak spot, and discover what is in the SAGE'S mind. The +SAGE in outward manner most deferential and encouraging. Misses no +opportunity of publicly applauding him. It is true that when the SAGE +has got him on his legs, starting afresh on new Amendment, he seizes +the opportunity to slink out of the House, and take another cigarette, +quite certain that the PARTY is good for half-an-hour. This, and one +or two other little things, create a suspicion in the mind of the +PARTY, who was not brought up in India for nothing. WILFRID LAWSON, +who sits close by, and keenly watches progress of events, says he has +no doubt the time will come when the PARTY will revolt. + +"KEAY," says WILFRID, "occupies a strategical position, which gives +him a great pull over LABBY. His respected Leader sits on the bench +immediately below him. Some day SEYMOUR KEAY'S wild Mahratta blood may +boil over, an unsuspected scimitar may flash forth from his trouser +pocket, and the SAGE'S head, falling gory on the floor of the House, +may gently, from mere force of habit, roll in the direction of Queen +Anne's Gate." + +"For a real sanguinary-minded man," said RITCHIE, to whom I told this +story, "give me a teetotaller." + +The PARTY, with some assistance from Windbag SEXTON, wasted sitting +till quarter to seven. By this time, all Amendments to Clause 3 being +wearily worn off, opportunity just left to pass Clause before Sitting +adjourned. Question put that Clause 3 pass. Then SAGE, smelling +obtrusively of cigarettes, interposed, and declared it "would be +indecent" to accept the Clause without further discussion. Nothing +House shrinks from just now more abjectly than from charge of +indecency. Accordingly debate stood over, and Thursday may, if +the SAGE and his Party please, and the Closure is not invoked, be +appropriated for further discussion of Clause 3. + +OLD MORALITY might have moved Closure at twelve minutes to seven, +and carried Clause 3. Committee naturally expected he would. But OLD +MORALITY had another card up his sleeve. At very last moment, whilst +Members trooped out, and it was thought all was over, OLD MORALITY +gave notice of motion to take the whole time of House, including +Tuesday and Friday nights' evening sittings. + +"I think you had them there," I said, as we walked across to Grosvenor +Place. + +"Yes, TOBY," he said, a little flush mantling his modest face; "we've +given them rope enough, and now we'll hang them. They've had their +run, now we'll take ours. It's the main thing I always look to. Never +forget when I was still in the seminary writing out copy of verses +about a shipwreck. A graphic scene; the riven vessel, the raging seas, +the panic-stricken crowd on deck, and then this little self-drawn +picture of the sole survivor, the one man left to tell the story: + + Some fell upon their bended knees + And others fell down fainting, + But I fell to on bread and cheese; + For that, Sir, was the main thing. + +It's the bread and cheese I look to, TOBY, dear boy. For others the +glory of debate, the prize of Parliamentary oratory. Give me the bread +and cheese of seeing business advancing, and I'm content." + +_Business done_.--Once more Committee on Irish Land Bill. + + +_Thursday_.--A pretty little game on to-night. OLD MORALITY moved his +Resolution taking power to appropriate Tuesdays and Fridays evening +sittings, and all Wednesdays for Irish Land Bill. In ordinary +circumstances there would have been stormy protest led from Front +Opposition Bench against this inroad on time of private Members. Other +fish to fry to-night. Wednesday week assigned for Second Reading of +Woman's Suffrage Bill; if Government take that day for Irish Land +Bill, obviously can't be utilised for furtherance of Woman's Rights. +This an awkward question for some Members; don't like it, but daren't +vote against it. Here's opportunity of getting rid of it by side-wind. +Not necessary in arranging proceedings to mention Suffrage Bill, +or even Wednesday, 13th of May. It was principle for which Members +struggled; "the principle of uniformity," as Mr. G. beautifully put +it. "Let us," he said, though perhaps not quite in this phrase, "go +the whole hog or none; take all the Wednesdays, or leave them." + +Pretty to see OLD MORALITY protesting against this unprecedented +access of generosity. The very picture, as MCEWAN said, of a good +man struggling with the adversity of overwhelming good fortune. Was +prepared to take a Wednesday here and there: but, really, too much to +appropriate everyone. "Not at all--not at all," said Mr. G. + +But it was only under compulsion of a Division that he consented to +accept the endowment. In meanwhile, the Woman's Suffrage Debate on +Wednesday week snuffed out, and final opportunity of Session lost. + +"I'm inclined," said WM. WOODALL, "as a rule, to take kindly views of +my fellow men, to put the best construction upon their actions; but, +upon my word, I'm not satisfied in my own mind that we advocates of +Woman's Rights have not been made the victims of deep and dastardly +design." + +"Order! Order!" said COURTNEY; "no more am I." + +_Business done_.--Woman's Rights men dished. + +_Friday_.--Brer FOX looked in to-night, and, finding Brer RABBIT +absent, undertook charge of Irish affairs. Desirous of introducing +novelty into situation, began by patronising Prince ARTHUR. "So +conciliatory, you know; so anxious to meet the views of Irish Members; +really, they ought to meet him half-way, and refrain from annoying him +by unnecessary Amendments." + +Brer FOX'S voice faltered as he spoke, and, bringing round his tail, +he gently brushed away a falling tear. Unfortunately for him, TIM +HEALY present. TIM jumped up, and fell upon his ancient chief, +flouting his counsel, and repudiating his right to leadership. Effect +upon Brer FOX something like that which followed on the flight of the +piece of old red sandstone which struck in the abdomen a gentleman, +who chanced to be standing round. The subsequent proceedings +interested him no more. He walked out, and was not seen again. +"Exceedingly rude man," he said; "never come near TIM HEALY but I feel +an infinite yearning for a fire-escape." _Business done_.--Land Bill +again. + + * * * * * + +"MORE FREE THAN WELCOME."--MR. GOSCHEN'S Education Scheme, to the +Tories. + + * * * * * + +A REGIMENT OF "THE LINE."--The Royal Academicians. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GRANDOLPH THE PRODIGAL. + +(_A Parliamentary Drama too good for words, after "L'Enfant Prodigue" +at the Prince of Wales's Theatre._)] + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.) + +[Illustration: No. 199. Doctor Dubitans. "I'm afraid I've +given him the wrong stuff." Luke Fildes, R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 742. "He's got 'em on!" or, Nanny, wilt +thou gang with me in that new suit and those tight boots? By Phil. R. +Morris, A.] + +[Illustration: Grand Combination Picture, "Liddell and +Scott!" [Liddell (289) by H. Herkomer, R.A., and Scott (281) by G(ee) +W(oa) Joy! "Joy and Woe!" Comedy and Tragedy.]] + +[Illustration: No. 226. The Penance of Zæo in the presence +of some Members of the County Council. P.H. Calderon, R.A.] + +No. 5. "_Long Ago_." LONG (EDWIN, R.A.) and more or less of "a go." +Instead of "_Long Ago_" which is egotistical, why not _Long Egit_ or +_Long Fecit?_ + +Nos. 21, 22, 23. "_The Lyons Mail_" (and Female). BRITON RIVIÈRE, +R.A. [N.B.--"R.A.," _i.e._, "Royal Academician" and "Royal +Animal-painter."] + +No. 27. The Viscount CROSS looking quite Viscount Cheerful. "_Painted +for the Grand Jury Room, Lancaster Castle_," the Catalogue informs +us. Suggestive of their arguing among themselves "at cross purposes." +Painted by SYDNEY HODGES. + +No. 77. "_On Strike_." Very striking. Who could have painted this? Ah! +_Who but_ HERKOMER. R.A. + +No. 82. Apparently this must have been intended for a portrait of the +late Mr. DION BOUCICAULT, but subsequently adapted to represent +WALTER GILBEY, Esq. Looks quite the GILBEY'S "fine, old, dry," but +not "crusted." No doubt whatever of its being the excellent work of +W(erry) Q(uaint) ORCHARDSON, R.A. + +No. 112. "_Hanson is as Hanson does_." By J. HANSON WALKER. Naturally +pleased with "the promise of May," and + +No. 118. Another Young Lady only Younger. By the same Artist. + +No. 143. The Right Hon. A.J. BALFOUR, M.P., as seen by L. ALMA-TADEMA, +R.A. Taken while considering + +No. 147. The Irish Question as represented by Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON, +P.R.A.'s "_Perseus and Andromeda_." Allegory, _Andromeda_, Ireland. +_The Monster_, "Parnellism and Crime;" and _Perseus_, BALFOUR. +Marvellous Monster! DRURIOLANUS should at once order a dozen of +'em, hot and strong, for next Christmas Pantomime. Poor Miss ANNE +DROMEDA,--"a dainty morsel _à croquer_," quoth the Monster. + +No. 148. No possible doubt whatever about this being A. BERTIE; +FREEMAN-MITFORD, C.B., painted by the President of the Painters, who +has hit him off to the life. B.M. is taken at the moment when, as a +spectator of the Perseus and Andromeda _ballet d'action_, he remembers +having seen something like it in "Old Japan." + +No. 201. "_Poor Tom's a Cold!_" LAURENCE SCOTT. Picture illustrating +the shortest and easiest way of catching his death of cold. + +No. 206. "_Two's company, Three's none_," observed the Sun, as +blushing deeply, he sank away in the far distance. By MAURICE GREIFFEN +LAGEN. + +No. 209. The original Pieman met by SIMON going to the fair in very +full dress. ARTHUR S. COPE. + +No.220. "_A Student_" of ALMA-TADEMA'S style. THOMAS R. SPENCE. + +No. 231. "Is it one o'clock?" she said to herself, anxiously. "I +hope luncheon will be punctual." The picture will be known as "_Grace +before Meals_," delightfully (of course) painted by Sir JOHN E. +MILLAIS. + +No. 232. By the P.R.A. "What's that?" said one well-educated clerical +visitor to his matronly wife. She read it out, pronouncing it thusly, +"_Return of Percy Fone_." "What!" exclaimed the Clergyman. Then, +taking the Catalogue into his own hands, he read "_Return of +Persephone_." "It's pronounced," he informed his help-mate, +"Për-s[)e]ph-[)o]-n[)e]." "Is it?" she returned, in a tone expressive +of unmitigated incredulity. "Then," she asked suddenly, as a +brilliant idea struck her, "why isn't 'telephone' pronounced +'tel-[)e]ph-[)o]-n[)e]'?" And turning her back on him, would not hear +another word on the subject. + +No. 283. _Not Crossley, but Kindly_. CLAUDE CALTHROP. + +No. 333. _Professor Huxley_. By Hon. JOHN COLLIER. When it isn't the +Professor, it might serve for Sir GEORGE GROVE. Bravo, Honourable +JOHN! "Hang him, JOHN COLLIER!" (SHAKSPEARE adapted.) + +No. 390. A Boy to the very life, or a Life Boy. JAMES SANT, R.A. It's +a picture of Master HUGH BURDETT MONEY COUTTS. How well this name will +look on a cheque for a cool thousand or so! But to see the _Hue_ of +health on his cheek is better than seeing the colour of that HUGH'S +money. + +No. 414. Portrait of Author W. PINERO, Esq. Painted by JOSEPH +MORDECAI, who has done to Author PINERO what HAMAN would have done to +MORDECAI, _i.e._, hung him. + +No. 439. Sitting for Don Quixote. WILLIAM E. LOCKHART. + +No. 459. _Stiff Collar Day; or, Just Back from the Wash_, "And, +confound it! she's been washing my shirt and tie together, and spoilt +'em both. Wish I had another lot ready, but haven't, so must go to +Academy as I am," said WALTER S-WASH-BUCKLER LETHBRIDGE, and finished +up with an impetuous and irrepressible "Hang it!" "I will," replied +the Artist, JOHN PETTIE, R.A. + +No. 544. _Josephine Grimaldina; or, Female Clown_, the next novelty +in Pantomime, dedicated to the author and composer of _L'Enfant +Prodigue_. JOHN S. SARGENT. + +No. 667. _Feeling his Bumps; or, Phrenology in the Olden Time._" +ERNEST NORMAND. + +No. 651. Gentleman ready for riding, but no spurs. "Where the deuce +have I put them?" he is evidently saying. "All ready but that. Can't +find 'em anywhere!" A picture which quite tells its own (JULIAN) +STORY. + + * * * * * + + +THE RIGHTS AND WRONGS OF LABOUR. + +(_At the service of the Ch-nc-ll-r of the Exch-qu-r, if he purposes +writing a Prophetic Romance._) + +MACAULAY'S New Zealander had arrived prematurely. London Bridge was +not reduced to its centre pier, and St. Paul's Cathedral was certainly +not in ruins. Still there was an uncanny look about town. On the +Embankment electric tram-cars were running, but they seemed to be +little patronised. Here and there he noticed a pedestrian leisurely +going his way, but the side-walks appeared, to all intents and +purposes, abandoned. At length he reached a garden-seat, upon which +was sprawling a Typical Working Man. The New Zealander gave this +interesting individual "Good morning," and made some common-place +remark about the weather. + +"Fine day!" returned the T.W.M., rather surlily. "Well, what does it +matter to me? If it rains, I stay at home; if it don't, why I don't +either." + +"I am a stranger seeking for information," explained the New +Zealander; "so I am sure you will excuse me if I ask you how much do +you pay for your house?" + +"Pay for my house!" ejaculated the T.W.M. "Why, nothing of course! And +I pay nothing too for my sons at Oxford, and the girls at Cambridge. +And I get my clothes free, and my food comes in gratuitously. Why, you +must be a stranger if you don't know that! Why everything and anything +is paid by the Government--out of the Income Tax." + +"And don't you ever work?" + +"Work! bless you, no. I can't afford to work! If I did, I should have +to pay the Income Tax myself!" returned the T.W.M., with a grin. + +"Then who does contribute to this evidently highly-important source of +revenue? + +"Why, the professional men, under Schedule D!" cried the hardy son of +toil. "The authors with families, and the City clerks. All _that_ set, +you know. They pay the Income Tax, sure enough. It's as much as they +can do to keep bodies and souls together. But _somebody_ must pay--why +not they?--pay for themselves--and for me!" + + * * * * * + +THE DUMB SHOW.--It sounds odd that the serious pantomime, _L'Enfant +Prodigue_, the play without words, should be "the talk of London." + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: Canvas and Scrutiny.] + +"_George Hotel," Billsbury, Friday, April 25th_.--Arrived this morning +in order to attend a "Monstre Open Air Conservative Fête, which was +held in the grounds of the Billsbury Summer Palace. The programme +was a very attractive one. First, there was a "reception of town +and county delegates and their ladies" by the Earl and Countess of +ROCHEVIEILLE. The Earl is a scrubby little fellow of about sixty, +who looks more like an old-clothes-man than anything else. Norman +noses--at least their descendants in this generation--are curiously +like the Semitic variety sometimes. The name is pronounced "Rovail," +and both the Earl and Countess get blue with rage if anybody makes +a mistake about it, as nearly all the delegates did. They stood on a +raised daïs, and received delegates' addresses to the number of about +thirty. Lady ROCHEVIEILLE is a stout lady--very. It was a blazing hot +day, and she was "overcome" just as she was shaking hands with Colonel +and Mrs. CHORKLE, who were accompanied by BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE. +The rest of the CHORKLE family, including WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH +CHORKLE, who was in a nurse's arms, were somewhere about the grounds +looking for the "Magic Haunts of the Fairy Bulbul," and eating +enormous quantities of macaroons, which I had given them. Colonel +CHORKLE rather lost his head when Lady R. collapsed. He made an effort +to pick her up, but had to drop her heavily on the boards of the +daïs. Eventually, however, she was carried away and revived, and +the proceedings went on. There were Conservative merry-go-rounds, +Conservative negro-minstrels, Conservative acrobats and Conservative +dancing bears, distributed about the grounds. I was taken about by +Alderman MOFFAT and HOLLEBONE, who introduced me right and left to +hundreds of my supporters and their wives and daughters. At the end +of it all I felt as if I had got a heavy sort of how-do-you-do +smile regularly glued on my face. One of my chief supporters is an +undertaker named JOBSON. HOLLEBONE brought him up to me and said, "Mr. +JOBSON, permit me to introduce you to our popular young Candidate, Mr. +PATTLE. Mr. PATTLE let me have the honour of introducing you to our +popular young undertaker, Mr. JOBSON." Gave me rather a shock, but +JOBSON seemed quite a pleasant man. His wife was there too, gorgeously +dressed in red plush with an Indian shawl on her shoulders, and a +sealskin muff. She must have felt the heat horribly. + +Later in the afternoon there was a political meeting, at which we all +spoke, but we had to make it short, as everybody was anxious to get +away to the "Refined Musical _Mélange_ (with incidental dances) of +the Sisters WILKINS," which was held in a specially erected tent. +Fireworks, illuminations, and dancing, ended the affair. + +_April 26_.--Was made an Oddfellow to-day. Initiation didn't last +long. CHORKLE and JERRAM were initiated with me, and we all had to +make speeches afterwards, declaring our devotion to the great cause of +Oddfellowship. Afterwards sentiments were called for. The only one I +remember was given by a man called TABSEY, a tailor, who seems to be +rather famous for this kind of thing. After holding his hand to his +head for some time, and knitting his brows, he cleared his throat, and +said, in a loud voice,--"May the tear of true sympathy crystallise +as it falls, and be worn as a radiant jewel upon the finger of +affliction." This was vociferously applauded. I congratulated TABSEY +afterwards, and paid him a compliment about it. He told me he found +it a great relief, after a hard day's work in the shop, to throw off +a sentiment or two. He's going to publish a book of them, and I've had +to subscribe for six copies, at half a guinea each. + + * * * * * + +FROM A WATCHFUL OBSERVER.--SIR,--The other day I saw advertised in a +shop-window, "The Invisible Trouser Stretcher." Who wears "Invisible +Trousers"? Do you remember the story of _The Emperor of China's +Clothes?_--when they all cried, "He's got 'em on," and he hadn't. That +Invisible Trousers should exist is quite enough stretch of imagination +without any further stretcher.--Yours, THE DAY WATCHMAN. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. AT THE OPERA.--Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM Junior went to hear _La +Traviata_. She expressed her sympathy with _Violetta_, between +two _Gourmands_. Remarking on the touching finish to the converted +_Traviata's_ career, Mrs. R. observed that it reminded her of the +poet's line about "She who stopped to cough, remained to pray." + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE,--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +100, May 9, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 13313 *** |