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diff --git a/old/13621.txt b/old/13621.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1db31bc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/13621.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18688 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Poems (Volume II.), by Jonathan Swift + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Poems (Volume II.) + +Author: Jonathan Swift + +Release Date: October 5, 2004 [EBook #13621] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POEMS (VOLUME II.) *** + + + + +Produced by Clare Boothby, G. Graustein and the PG Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +[Illustration] +Hester Vanhomrigh (Vanessa) +From a Picture in the possession G. Villiers Brinus Esq; + + +THE POEMS OF JONATHAN SWIFT, D.D. + +EDITED BY WILLIAM ERNST BROWNING + +BARRISTER, INNER TEMPLE +AUTHOR OF "THE LIFE OF LORD CHESTERFIELD" + +VOL. II + +LONDON +G. BELL AND SONS, LTD. 1910 + +CHISWICK PRESS: CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND CO. +TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE, LONDON. + + + + +CONTENTS OF VOLUME II + + PAGE + +Cadenus and Vanessa 1 +To Love 23 +A Rebus by Vanessa 24 +The Dean's Answer 25 +Stella's Birth-Day 26 +Stella's Birth-Day 26 +To Stella 28 +To Stella 32 +Stella to Dr. Swift 35 +To Stella 37 +On the Great Buried Bottle 37 +Epitaph 38 +Stella's Birth-Day 38 +Stella at Wood-Park 40 +A New Year's Gift for Bec 43 +Dingley and Brent 44 +To Stella 45 +Verses by Stella 46 +A Receipt to restore Stella's Youth 46 +Stella's Birth-Day 48 +Bec's Birth-Day 49 +On the Collar of Tiger 51 +Stella's Birth-Day 51 +Death and Daphne 54 +Daphne 57 + +RIDDLES + +Pethox the Great 59 +On a Pen 62 +On Gold 63 +On the Posteriors 64 +On a Horn 65 +On a Corkscrew 66 +The Gulf of all Human Possessions 67 +Louisa to Strephon 70 +A Maypole 71 +On the Moon 72 +On a Circle 73 +On Ink 73 +On the Five Senses 74 +Fontinella to Florinda 75 +An Echo 76 +On a Shadow in a Glass 77 +On Time 78 +On the Gallows 78 +On the Vowels 79 +On Snow 79 +On a Cannon 80 +On a Pair of Dice 80 +On a Candle 80 +To Lady Carteret by Delany 82 +Answered by Dr. Swift 83 +To Lady Carteret 83 +Answered by Sheridan 84 +A Riddle 84 +Answer by Mr. F----r 84 +A Letter to Dr. Helsham 85 +Probatur aliter 87 + + +POEMS COMPOSED AT MARKET HILL + +On cutting down the Thorn 89 +To Dean Swift 92 +Dean Swift at Sir Arthur Acheson's 93 +On a very old Glass at Market Hill 94 +Answered extempore by Dr. Swift 95 +Epitaph 95 +My Lady's Lamentation 95 +A Pastoral Dialogue 99 +The Grand Question debated 101 +Drapier's Hill 106 +The Dean's Reasons 107 +The Revolution at Market Hill 110 +Robin and Harry 113 +A Panegyric on the Dean 115 +Twelve Articles 125 + + +POLITICAL POETRY + +Parody 127 +Jack Frenchman's Lamentation 129 +The Garden Plot 132 +Sid Hamet's Rod 133 +The Famous Speech-Maker 136 +Parody on the Recorder's Speech 143 +Ballad 144 +Atlas; or the Minister of State 147 +Lines on Harley's being stabbed 148 +An Excellent New Song 148 +The Windsor Prophecy 150 +Corinna, a Ballad 152 +The Fable of Midas 153 +Toland's Invitation to Dismal 156 +Peace and Dunkirk 157 +Imitation of Horace, Epist. I, vii 159 +The Author upon Himself 163 +The Fagot 166 +Imitation of Horace, Sat. VI, ii 167 +Horace paraphrased, Odes II, i 171 +Dennis' Invitation to Steele 175 +In Sickness 180 +The Fable of the Bitches 181 +To the Earl of Oxford in the Tower 182 +On the Church's Danger 183 +A Poem on High Church 183 +The Story of Phaethon 184 +A Tale of a Nettle 186 +A Satirical Elegy 187 + + +POEMS CHIEFLY RELATING TO IRISH POLITICS + +Parody on Pratt's Speech 189 +An Excellent New Song 192 +The Run upon the Bankers 193 +Upon the Horrid Plot 196 +Quibbling Elegy on Judge Boat 198 +The Epitaph 199 +Verses on Whitshed's Motto 200 +Prometheus 201 +Verses on the Order of the Bath 203 +Epigram on Wood's Brass Money 203 +A Simile 204 +Wood an Insect 205 +Wood the Ironmonger 206 +Wood's Petition 207 +A New Song on Wood's Halfpence 209 +A Serious Poem 211 +An Excellent New Song 215 +Verses on the Judge who condemned the Drapier's Printer 217 +On the Same 218 +On the Same 218 +Epigram 218 +Horace paraphrased, Odes I, xiv 219 +Verses on St. Patrick's Well 221 +On reading Dr. Young's Satire 224 +The Dog and Thief 226 +Mad Mullinix and Timothy 226 +Tim and the Fables 234 +Tom and Dick 235 +Dick, a Maggot 236 +Clad all in Brown 237 +Dick's Variety 238 +Traulus. Part I 239 +Traulus. Part II 242 +A Fable of the Lion 244 +On the Irish Bishops 246 +Horace, Odes IV, ix 248 +On Walpole and Pulteney 250 +Brother Protestants 252 +Bettesworth's Exultation 254 +Epigram to Serjeant Kite 255 +The Yahoo's Overthrow 256 +On the Archbishop of Cashel and Bettesworth 259 +On the Irish Club 259 +On Noisy Tom 260 +On Dr. Rundle 261 +Epigram 263 +The Legion Club 264 +On a Printer's being sent to Newgate 272 +Vindication of the Libel 272 +A Friendly Apology 274 +Ay and No 275 +A Ballad 276 +A Wicked Treasonable Libel 277 +Epigrams against Carthy 278-283 +Poetical Epistle to Sheridan 283 +Lines written on a Window 284 +Lines written underneath by Sheridan 285 +The Upstart 285 +On the Arms of the Town of Waterford 286 +Translation 287 +Verses on Blenheim 287 +An Excellent New Song 288 +An Excellent New Song upon the Archbishop of Dublin 289 +To the Archbishop of Dublin 291 +To the Citizens 292 +Punch's Petition to the Ladies 294 +Epigram 296 +Epigram on Josiah Hort 297 +Epigram 297 + + +TRIFLES + +George Rochfort's Verses 298 +A Left-handed Letter 298 +To the Dean of St. Patrick's 300 +To Mr. Thomas Sheridan 301 +Ad Amicum Eruditum Thomam Sheridan 302 +To the Dean of St. Patrick's 305 +To the Dean of St. Patrick's 306 +An Answer by Delany 306 +A Reply by Sheridan 307 +Another Reply by Sheridan 308 +To Thomas Sheridan 309 +Swift to Sheridan 310 +An Answer by Sheridan 310 +To Dr. Sheridan 311 +The Answer by Dr. Sheridan 312 +Dr. Sheridan to Dr. Swift 313 +The Dean's Answer 314 +Dr. Sheridan's Reply to the Dean 314 +To the Same by Dr. Sheridan 315 +The Dean of St. Patrick's to Thomas Sheridan 316 +To the Dean of St. Patrick's 317 +The Dean to Thomas Sheridan 318 +To Dr. Sheridan 320 + 1 P.S. 321 + 2 P.S. 321 + 3 P.S. 321 +Dr. Sheridan's Answer 322 +Dr. Swift's Reply 322 +A Copy of a Copy of Verses 323 +George-Nim-Dan-Dean's Answer 324 +George-Nim-Dan-Dean's Invitation 326 +To George-Nim-Dan-Dean, Esq 328 +To Mr. Thomas Sheridan 330 +On Dr. Sheridan's Circular Verses 331 +On Dan Jackson's Picture 332 +On the Same Picture 332 +On the Same 333 +On the Same Picture 333 +On the Same Picture 333 +Dan Jackson's Defence 335 +Mr. Rochfort's Reply 336 +Dr. Delany's Reply 338 +Sheridan's Reply 339 +A Rejoinder 340 +Another Rejoinder 342 +Sheridan's Submission 343 +The Pardon 344 +The Last Speech and Dying Words of Daniel Jackson 345 +To the Rev. Daniel Jackson 347 +Sheridan to Swift 349 +Sheridan to Swift 350 +Swift to Sheridan 350 +Mary the Cook Maid's Letter 351 +A Portrait from the Life 352 +On Stealing a Crown when the Dean was asleep 353 +The Dean's Answer 353 +A Prologue to a Play 354 +The Epilogue 355 +The Song 355 +A New Year's Gift for the Dean of St. Patrick's 356 +To Quilca 358 +The Blessings of a Country Life 359 +The Plagues of a Country Life 359 +A Faithful Inventory 359 +Palinodia 361 +A Letter to the Dean 362 +An Invitation to Dinner 364 +On the Five Ladies at Sot's Hole 365 +The Five Ladies' Answer to the Beau 367 +The Beau's Reply 368 +Dr. Sheridan's Ballad on Ballyspellin 368 +Answer by Dr. Swift 371 +An Epistle to two Friends 373 +To Dr. Sheridan 374 +Dr. Helsham's Answer 374 +A True and Faithful Inventory 376 +A New Simile for the Ladies 377 +An Answer to a Scandalous Poem 381 +Peg Radcliffe the Hostess's Invitation 386 +Verses by Sheridan 387 + + +VERSES ADDRESSED TO SWIFT AND TO HIS MEMORY + +To Dr. Swift on his Birth-Day 390 +On Dr. Swift 390 +To the Rev. Dr. Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's, + a Birth-Day Poem, Nov. 30, 1736 391 +Epigrams occasioned by Dr. Swift's intended Hospital + for Idiots and Lunatics 393 +On the Dean of St. Patrick's Birth-Day 394 +An Epistle to Robert Nugent, Esq. 396 +On the Drapier, by Dr. Dunkin 399 +Epitaph proposed for Dr. Swift 400 +To the Memory of Dr. Swift 401 +A Schoolboy's Theme 403 +Verses on the Battle of the Books 404 +On Dr. Swift's leaving his Estate to Idiots 404 +On several Petty Pieces lately published against Dean Swift 405 +On Faulkner's Edition of Swift 405 +Epigram on Lord Orrery's Remarks 406 +To Dr. Delany, on his Book entitled "Observations + on Lord Orrery's Remarks" 406 +Epigram on Faulkner 407 +An Inscription 407 +An Epigram occasioned by the above 407 +Index 409 + + + + +POEMS OF JONATHAN SWIFT + +POEMS ADDRESSED TO VANESSA AND STELLA + +CADENUS AND VANESSA[1] +1713 + + +The shepherds and the nymphs were seen +Pleading before the Cyprian queen. +The counsel for the fair began, +Accusing the false creature Man. +The brief with weighty crimes was charged +On which the pleader much enlarged; +That Cupid now has lost his art, +Or blunts the point of every dart;-- +His altar now no longer smokes, +His mother's aid no youth invokes: +This tempts freethinkers to refine, +And bring in doubt their powers divine; +Now love is dwindled to intrigue, +And marriage grown a money league; +Which crimes aforesaid (with her leave) +Were (as he humbly did conceive) +Against our sovereign lady's peace, +Against the statute in that case, +Against her dignity and crown: +Then pray'd an answer, and sat down. + The nymphs with scorn beheld their foes; +When the defendant's counsel rose, +And, what no lawyer ever lack'd, +With impudence own'd all the fact; +But, what the gentlest heart would vex, +Laid all the fault on t'other sex. +That modern love is no such thing +As what those ancient poets sing: +A fire celestial, chaste, refined, +Conceived and kindled in the mind; +Which, having found an equal flame, +Unites, and both become the same, +In different breasts together burn, +Together both to ashes turn. +But women now feel no such fire, +And only know the gross desire. +Their passions move in lower spheres, +Where'er caprice or folly steers, +A dog, a parrot, or an ape, +Or some worse brute in human shape, +Engross the fancies of the fair, +The few soft moments they can spare, +From visits to receive and pay, +From scandal, politics, and play; +From fans, and flounces, and brocades, +From equipage and park parades, +From all the thousand female toys, +From every trifle that employs +The out or inside of their heads, +Between their toilets and their beds. + In a dull stream, which moving slow, +You hardly see the current flow; +If a small breeze obstruct the course, +It whirls about, for want of force, +And in its narrow circle gathers +Nothing but chaff, and straws, and feathers. +The current of a female mind +Stops thus, and turns with every wind: +Thus whirling round together draws +Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws. +Hence we conclude, no women's hearts +Are won by virtue, wit, and parts: +Nor are the men of sense to blame, +For breasts incapable of flame; +The faults must on the nymphs be placed +Grown so corrupted in their taste. + The pleader having spoke his best, +Had witness ready to attest, +Who fairly could on oath depose, +When questions on the fact arose, +That every article was true; +Nor further those deponents knew: +Therefore he humbly would insist, +The bill might be with costs dismiss'd. +The cause appear'd of so much weight, +That Venus, from her judgment seat, +Desired them not to talk so loud, +Else she must interpose a cloud: +For if the heavenly folks should know +These pleadings in the courts below, +That mortals here disdain to love, +She ne'er could show her face above; +For gods, their betters, are too wise +To value that which men despise. +And then, said she, my son and I +Must stroll in air, 'twixt land and sky; +Or else, shut out from heaven and earth, +Fly to the sea, my place of birth: +There live with daggled mermaids pent, +And keep on fish perpetual Lent. + But since the case appear'd so nice, +She thought it best to take advice. +The Muses, by the king's permission, +Though foes to love, attend the session, +And on the right hand took their places +In order; on the left, the Graces: +To whom she might her doubts propose +On all emergencies that rose. +The Muses oft were seen to frown; +The Graces half ashamed look'd down; +And 'twas observed, there were but few +Of either sex among the crew, +Whom she or her assessors knew. +The goddess soon began to see, +Things were not ripe for a decree; +And said, she must consult her books, +The lovers' Fletas, Bractons, Cokes. +First to a dapper clerk she beckon'd +To turn to Ovid, book the second: +She then referr'd them to a place +In Virgil, _vide_ Dido's case: +As for Tibullus's reports, +They never pass'd for law in courts: +For Cowley's briefs, and pleas of Waller, +Still their authority was smaller. + There was on both sides much to say: +She'd hear the cause another day; +And so she did; and then a third; +She heard it--there she kept her word: +But, with rejoinders or replies, +Long bills, and answers stuff'd with lies, +Demur, imparlance, and essoign, +The parties ne'er could issue join: +For sixteen years the cause was spun, +And then stood where it first begun. + Now, gentle Clio, sing, or say +What Venus meant by this delay? +The goddess much perplex'd in mind +To see her empire thus declined, +When first this grand debate arose, +Above her wisdom to compose, +Conceived a project in her head +To work her ends; which, if it sped, +Would show the merits of the cause +Far better than consulting laws. + In a glad hour Lucina's aid +Produced on earth a wondrous maid, +On whom the Queen of Love was bent +To try a new experiment. +She threw her law-books on the shelf, +And thus debated with herself. + Since men allege, they ne'er can find +Those beauties in a female mind, +Which raise a flame that will endure +For ever uncorrupt and pure; +If 'tis with reason they complain, +This infant shall restore my reign. +I'll search where every virtue dwells, +From courts inclusive down to cells: +What preachers talk, or sages write; +These will I gather and unite, +And represent them to mankind +Collected in that infant's mind. + This said, she plucks in Heaven's high bowers +A sprig of amaranthine flowers. +In nectar thrice infuses bays, +Three times refined in Titan's rays; +Then calls the Graces to her aid, +And sprinkles thrice the newborn maid: +From whence the tender skin assumes +A sweetness above all perfumes: +From whence a cleanliness remains, +Incapable of outward stains: +From whence that decency of mind, +So lovely in the female kind, +Where not one careless thought intrudes; +Less modest than the speech of prudes; +Where never blush was call'd in aid, +That spurious virtue in a maid, +A virtue but at second-hand; +They blush because they understand. + The Graces next would act their part, +And show'd but little of their art; +Their work was half already done, +The child with native beauty shone; +The outward form no help required: +Each, breathing on her thrice, inspired +That gentle, soft, engaging air, +Which in old times adorn'd the fair: +And said, "Vanessa be the name +By which thou shall be known to fame: +Vanessa, by the gods enroll'd: +Her name on earth shall not be told." + But still the work was not complete; +When Venus thought on a deceit. +Drawn by her doves, away she flies, +And finds out Pallas in the skies. +Dear Pallas, I have been this morn +To see a lovely infant born: +A boy in yonder isle below, +So like my own without his bow, +By beauty could your heart be won, +You'd swear it is Apollo's son; +But it shall ne'er be said, a child +So hopeful, has by me been spoil'd: +I have enough besides to spare, +And give him wholly to your care. + Wisdom's above suspecting wiles; +The Queen of Learning gravely smiles, +Down from Olympus comes with joy, +Mistakes Vanessa for a boy; +Then sows within her tender mind +Seeds long unknown to womankind: +For manly bosoms chiefly fit, +The seeds of knowledge, judgment, wit. +Her soul was suddenly endued +With justice, truth, and fortitude; +With honour, which no breath can stain, +Which malice must attack in vain; +With open heart and bounteous hand. +But Pallas here was at a stand; +She knew, in our degenerate days, +Bare virtue could not live on praise; +That meat must be with money bought: +She therefore, upon second thought, +Infused, yet as it were by stealth, +Some small regard for state and wealth; +Of which, as she grew up, there staid +A tincture in the prudent maid: +She managed her estate with care, +Yet liked three footmen to her chair. +But, lest he should neglect his studies +Like a young heir, the thrifty goddess +(For fear young master should be spoil'd) +Would use him like a younger child; +And, after long computing, found +'Twould come to just five thousand pound. + The Queen of Love was pleased, and proud, +To see Vanessa thus endow'd: +She doubted not but such a dame +Through every breast would dart a flame, +That every rich and lordly swain +With pride would drag about her chain; +That scholars would forsake their books, +To study bright Vanessa's looks; +As she advanced, that womankind +Would by her model form their mind, +And all their conduct would be tried +By her, as an unerring guide; +Offending daughters oft would hear +Vanessa's praise rung in their ear: +Miss Betty, when she does a fault, +Lets fall her knife, or spills the salt, +Will thus be by her mother chid, +"'Tis what Vanessa never did!" +Thus by the nymphs and swains adored, +My power shall be again restored, +And happy lovers bless my reign-- +So Venus hoped, but hoped in vain. + For when in time the Martial Maid +Found out the trick that Venus play'd, +She shakes her helm, she knits her brows, +And, fired with indignation, vows, +To-morrow, ere the setting sun, +She'd all undo that she had done. + But in the poets we may find +A wholesome law, time out of mind, +Had been confirm'd by Fate's decree, +That gods, of whatsoe'er degree, +Resume not what themselves have given, +Or any brother god in Heaven: +Which keeps the peace among the gods, +Or they must always be at odds: +And Pallas, if she broke the laws, +Must yield her foe the stronger cause; +A shame to one so much adored +For wisdom at Jove's council-board. +Besides, she fear'd the Queen of Love +Would meet with better friends above. +And though she must with grief reflect, +To see a mortal virgin deck'd +With graces hitherto unknown +To female breasts, except her own: +Yet she would act as best became +A goddess of unspotted fame. +She knew, by augury divine, +Venus would fail in her design: +She studied well the point, and found +Her foe's conclusions were not sound, +From premises erroneous brought, +And therefore the deduction's naught, +And must have contrary effects, +To what her treacherous foe expects. + In proper season Pallas meets +The Queen of Love, whom thus she greets, +(For gods, we are by Homer told, +Can in celestial language scold:)-- +Perfidious goddess! but in vain +You form'd this project in your brain; +A project for your talents fit, +With much deceit and little wit. +Thou hast, as thou shall quickly see, +Deceived thyself, instead of me; +For how can heavenly wisdom prove +An instrument to earthly love? +Know'st thou not yet, that men commence +Thy votaries for want of sense? +Nor shall Vanessa be the theme +To manage thy abortive scheme: +She'll prove the greatest of thy foes; +And yet I scorn to interpose, +But, using neither skill nor force, +Leave all things to their natural course. + The goddess thus pronounced her doom: +When, lo! Vanessa in her bloom +Advanced, like Atalanta's star, +But rarely seen, and seen from far: +In a new world with caution slept, +Watch'd all the company she kept, +Well knowing, from the books she read, +What dangerous paths young virgins tread: +Would seldom at the Park appear, +Nor saw the play-house twice a year; +Yet, not incurious, was inclined +To know the converse of mankind. + First issued from perfumers' shops, +A crowd of fashionable fops: +They ask'd her how she liked the play; +Then told the tattle of the day; +A duel fought last night at two, +About a lady--you know who; +Mention'd a new Italian, come +Either from Muscovy or Rome; +Gave hints of who and who's together; +Then fell to talking of the weather; +Last night was so extremely fine, +The ladies walk'd till after nine: +Then, in soft voice and speech absurd, +With nonsense every second word, +With fustian from exploded plays, +They celebrate her beauty's praise; +Run o'er their cant of stupid lies, +And tell the murders of her eyes. + With silent scorn Vanessa sat, +Scarce listening to their idle chat; +Farther than sometimes by a frown, +When they grew pert, to pull them down. +At last she spitefully was bent +To try their wisdom's full extent; +And said, she valued nothing less +Than titles, figure, shape, and dress; +That merit should be chiefly placed +In judgment, knowledge, wit, and taste; +And these, she offer'd to dispute, +Alone distinguish'd man from brute: +That present times have no pretence +To virtue, in the noble sense +By Greeks and Romans understood, +To perish for our country's good. +She named the ancient heroes round, +Explain'd for what they were renown'd; +Then spoke with censure or applause +Of foreign customs, rites, and laws; +Through nature and through art she ranged +And gracefully her subject changed; +In vain! her hearers had no share +In all she spoke, except to stare. +Their judgment was, upon the whole, +--That lady is the dullest soul!-- +Then tapt their forehead in a jeer, +As who should say--She wants it here! +She may be handsome, young, and rich, +But none will burn her for a witch! + A party next of glittering dames, +From round the purlieus of St. James, +Came early, out of pure good will, +To see the girl in dishabille. +Their clamour, 'lighting from their chairs +Grew louder all the way up stairs; +At entrance loudest, where they found +The room with volumes litter'd round. +Vanessa held Montaigne, and read, +While Mrs. Susan comb'd her head. +They call'd for tea and chocolate, +And fell into their usual chat, +Discoursing with important face, +On ribbons, fans, and gloves, and lace; +Show'd patterns just from India brought, +And gravely ask'd her what she thought, +Whether the red or green were best, +And what they cost? Vanessa guess'd +As came into her fancy first; +Named half the rates, and liked the worst. +To scandal next--What awkward thing +Was that last Sunday in the ring? +I'm sorry Mopsa breaks so fast: +I said her face would never last. +Corinna, with that youthful air, +Is thirty, and a bit to spare: +Her fondness for a certain earl +Began when I was but a girl! +Phillis, who but a month ago +Was married to the Tunbridge beau, +I saw coquetting t'other night +In public with that odious knight! + They rallied next Vanessa's dress: +That gown was made for old Queen Bess. +Dear madam, let me see your head: +Don't you intend to put on red? +A petticoat without a hoop! +Sure, you are not ashamed to stoop! +With handsome garters at your knees, +No matter what a fellow sees. + Filled with disdain, with rage inflamed +Both of herself and sex ashamed, +The nymph stood silent out of spite, +Nor would vouchsafe to set them right. +Away the fair detractors went, +And gave by turns their censures vent. +She's not so handsome in my eyes: +For wit, I wonder where it lies! +She's fair and clean, and that's the most: +But why proclaim her for a toast? +A baby face; no life, no airs, +But what she learn'd at country fairs; +Scarce knows what difference is between +Rich Flanders lace and Colberteen. [2] +I'll undertake, my little Nancy +In flounces has a better fancy; +With all her wit, I would not ask +Her judgment how to buy a mask. +We begg'd her but to patch her face, +She never hit one proper place; +Which every girl at five years old +Can do as soon as she is told. +I own, that out-of-fashion stuff +Becomes the creature well enough. +The girl might pass, if we could get her +To know the world a little better. +(To know the world! a modern phrase +For visits, ombre, balls, and plays.) + Thus, to the world's perpetual shame, +The Queen of Beauty lost her aim; +Too late with grief she understood +Pallas had done more harm than good; +For great examples are but vain, +Where ignorance begets disdain. +Both sexes, arm'd with guilt and spite, +Against Vanessa's power unite: +To copy her few nymphs aspired; +Her virtues fewer swains admired. +So stars, beyond a certain height, +Give mortals neither heat nor light. +Yet some of either sex, endow'd +With gifts superior to the crowd, +With virtue, knowledge, taste, and wit +She condescended to admit: +With pleasing arts she could reduce +Men's talents to their proper use; +And with address each genius held +To that wherein it most excell'd; +Thus, making others' wisdom known, +Could please them, and improve her own. +A modest youth said something new; +She placed it in the strongest view. +All humble worth she strove to raise, +Would not be praised, yet loved to praise. +The learned met with free approach, +Although they came not in a coach: +Some clergy too she would allow, +Nor quarrell'd at their awkward bow; +But this was for Cadenus' sake, +A gownman of a different make; +Whom Pallas once, Vanessa's tutor, +Had fix'd on for her coadjutor. + But Cupid, full of mischief, longs +To vindicate his mother's wrongs. +On Pallas all attempts are vain: +One way he knows to give her pain; +Vows on Vanessa's heart to take +Due vengeance, for her patron's sake; +Those early seeds by Venus sown, +In spite of Pallas now were grown; +And Cupid hoped they would improve +By time, and ripen into love. +The boy made use of all his craft, +In vain discharging many a shaft, +Pointed at colonels, lords, and beaux: +Cadenus warded off the blows; +For, placing still some book betwixt, +The darts were in the cover fix'd, +Or, often blunted and recoil'd, +On Plutarch's Moral struck, were spoil'd. + The Queen of Wisdom could foresee, +But not prevent, the Fates' decree: +And human caution tries in vain +To break that adamantine chain. +Vanessa, though by Pallas taught, +By Love invulnerable thought, +Searching in books for wisdom's aid, +Was, in the very search, betray'd. + Cupid, though all his darts were lost, +Yet still resolved to spare no cost: +He could not answer to his fame +The triumphs of that stubborn dame, +A nymph so hard to be subdued, +Who neither was coquette nor prude. +I find, said he, she wants a doctor, +Both to adore her, and instruct her: +I'll give her what she most admires +Among those venerable sires. +Cadenus is a subject fit, +Grown old in politics and wit, +Caress'd by ministers of state, +Of half mankind the dread and hate. +Whate'er vexations love attend, +She needs no rivals apprehend. +Her sex, with universal voice, +Must laugh at her capricious choice. + Cadenus many things had writ: +Vanessa much esteem'd his wit, +And call'd for his poetic works: +Meantime the boy in secret lurks; +And, while the book was in her hand, +The urchin from his private stand +Took aim, and shot with all his strength +A dart of such prodigious length, +It pierced the feeble volume through, +And deep transfix'd her bosom too. +Some lines, more moving than the rest, +Stuck to the point that pierced her breast, +And, borne directly to the heart, +With pains unknown increased her smart. + Vanessa, not in years a score, +Dreams of a gown of forty-four; +Imaginary charms can find +In eyes with reading almost blind: +Cadenus now no more appears +Declined in health, advanced in years. +She fancies music in his tongue; +Nor farther looks, but thinks him young. +What mariner is not afraid +To venture in a ship decay'd? +What planter will attempt to yoke +A sapling with a falling oak? +As years increase, she brighter shines; +Cadenus with each day declines: +And he must fall a prey to time, +While she continues in her prime. +Cadenus, common forms apart, +In every scene had kept his heart; +Had sigh'd and languish'd, vow'd and writ, +For pastime, or to show his wit, +But books, and time, and state affairs, +Had spoil'd his fashionable airs: +He now could praise, esteem, approve, +But understood not what was love. +His conduct might have made him styled +A father, and the nymph his child. +That innocent delight he took +To see the virgin mind her book, +Was but the master's secret joy +In school to hear the finest boy. +Her knowledge with her fancy grew; +She hourly press'd for something new; +Ideas came into her mind +So fast, his lessons lagg'd behind; +She reason'd, without plodding long, +Nor ever gave her judgment wrong. +But now a sudden change was wrought; +She minds no longer what he taught. +Cadenus was amazed to find +Such marks of a distracted mind: +For, though she seem'd to listen more +To all he spoke, than e'er before, +He found her thoughts would absent range, +Yet guess'd not whence could spring the change. +And first he modestly conjectures +His pupil might be tired with lectures; +Which help'd to mortify his pride, +Yet gave him not the heart to chide: +But, in a mild dejected strain, +At last he ventured to complain: +Said, she should be no longer teazed, +Might have her freedom when she pleased; +Was now convinced he acted wrong +To hide her from the world so long, +And in dull studies to engage +One of her tender sex and age; +That every nymph with envy own'd, +How she might shine in the _grand monde_: +And every shepherd was undone +To see her cloister'd like a nun. +This was a visionary scheme: +He waked, and found it but a dream; +A project far above his skill: +For nature must be nature still. +If he were bolder than became +A scholar to a courtly dame, +She might excuse a man of letters; +Thus tutors often treat their better; +And, since his talk offensive grew, +He came to take his last adieu. + Vanessa, fill'd with just disdain, +Would still her dignity maintain, +Instructed from her early years +To scorn the art of female tears. + Had he employ'd his time so long +To teach her what was right and wrong; +Yet could such notions entertain +That all his lectures were in vain? +She own'd the wandering of her thoughts; +But he must answer for her faults. +She well remember'd to her cost, +That all his lessons were not lost. +Two maxims she could still produce, +And sad experience taught their use; +That virtue, pleased by being shown, +Knows nothing which it dares not own; +Can make us without fear disclose +Our inmost secrets to our foes; +That common forms were not design'd +Directors to a noble mind. +Now, said the nymph, to let you see +My actions with your rules agree; +That I can vulgar forms despise, +And have no secrets to disguise; +I knew, by what you said and writ, +How dangerous things were men of wit; +You caution'd me against their charms, +But never gave me equal arms; +Your lessons found the weakest part, +Aim'd at the head, but reach'd the heart. + Cadenus felt within him rise +Shame, disappointment, guilt, surprise. +He knew not how to reconcile +Such language with her usual style: +And yet her words were so exprest, +He could not hope she spoke in jest. +His thoughts had wholly been confined +To form and cultivate her mind. +He hardly knew, till he was told, +Whether the nymph were young or old; +Had met her in a public place, +Without distinguishing her face; +Much less could his declining age +Vanessa's earliest thoughts engage; +And, if her youth indifference met, +His person must contempt beget; +Or grant her passion be sincere, +How shall his innocence be clear? +[3]Appearances were all so strong, +The world must think him in the wrong; +Would say, he made a treacherous use +Of wit, to flatter and seduce; +The town would swear, he had betray'd +By magic spells the harmless maid: +And every beau would have his joke, +That scholars were like other folk; +And, when Platonic flights were over, +The tutor turn'd a mortal lover! +So tender of the young and fair! +It show'd a true paternal care-- +Five thousand guineas in her purse! +The doctor might have fancied worse.-- + Hardly at length he silence broke, +And falter'd every word he spoke; +Interpreting her complaisance, +Just as a man _sans_ consequence. +She rallied well, he always knew: +Her manner now was something new; +And what she spoke was in an air +As serious as a tragic player. +But those who aim at ridicule +Should fix upon some certain rule, +Which fairly hints they are in jest, +Else he must enter his protest: +For let a man be ne'er so wise, +He may be caught with sober lies; +A science which he never taught, +And, to be free, was dearly bought; +For, take it in its proper light, +'Tis just what coxcombs call a bite. + But, not to dwell on things minute, +Vanessa finish'd the dispute; +Brought weighty arguments to prove +That reason was her guide in love. +She thought he had himself described, +His doctrines when she first imbibed; +What he had planted, now was grown; +His virtues she might call her own; +As he approves, as he dislikes, +Love or contempt her fancy strikes. +Self-love, in nature rooted fast, +Attends us first, and leaves us last; +Why she likes him, admire not at her; +She loves herself, and that's the matter. +How was her tutor wont to praise +The geniuses of ancient days! +(Those authors he so oft had named, +For learning, wit, and wisdom, famed;) +Was struck with love, esteem, and awe, +For persons whom he never saw. +Suppose Cadenus flourish'd then, +He must adore such godlike men. +If one short volume could comprise +All that was witty, learn'd, and wise, +How would it be esteem'd and read, +Although the writer long were dead! +If such an author were alive, +How all would for his friendship strive, +And come in crowds to see his face! +And this she takes to be her case. +Cadenus answers every end, +The book, the author, and the friend; +The utmost her desires will reach, +Is but to learn what he can teach: +His converse is a system fit +Alone to fill up all her wit; +While every passion of her mind +In him is centred and confined. + Love can with speech inspire a mute, +And taught Vanessa to dispute. +This topic, never touch'd before, +Display'd her eloquence the more: +Her knowledge, with such pains acquired, +By this new passion grew inspired; +Through this she made all objects pass, +Which gave a tincture o'er the mass; +As rivers, though they bend and twine, +Still to the sea their course incline: +Or, as philosophers, who find +Some favourite system to their mind; +In every point to make it fit, +Will force all nature to submit. + Cadenus, who could ne'er suspect +His lessons would have such effect, +Or be so artfully applied, +Insensibly came on her side. +It was an unforeseen event; +Things took a turn he never meant. +Whoe'er excels in what we prize, +Appears a hero in our eyes; +Each girl, when pleased with what is taught, +Will have the teacher in her thought. +When miss delights in her spinet, +A fiddler may a fortune get; +A blockhead, with melodious voice, +In boarding-schools may have his choice: +And oft the dancing-master's art +Climbs from the toe to touch the heart. +In learning let a nymph delight, +The pedant gets a mistress by't. +Cadenus, to his grief and shame, +Could scarce oppose Vanessa's flame; +And, though her arguments were strong, +At least could hardly wish them wrong. +Howe'er it came, he could not tell, +But sure she never talk'd so well. +His pride began to interpose; +Preferr'd before a crowd of beaux! +So bright a nymph to come unsought! +Such wonder by his merit wrought! +'Tis merit must with her prevail! +He never knew her judgment fail! +She noted all she ever read! +And had a most discerning head! + 'Tis an old maxim in the schools, +That flattery's the food of fools; +Yet now and then your men of wit +Will condescend to take a bit. + So when Cadenus could not hide, +He chose to justify his pride; +Construing the passion she had shown, +Much to her praise, more to his own. +Nature in him had merit placed, +In her a most judicious taste. +Love, hitherto a transient guest, +Ne'er held possession of his breast; +So long attending at the gate, +Disdain'd to enter in so late. +Love why do we one passion call, +When 'tis a compound of them all? +Where hot and cold, where sharp and sweet, +In all their equipages meet; +Where pleasures mix'd with pains appear, +Sorrow with joy, and hope with fear; +Wherein his dignity and age +Forbid Cadenus to engage. +But friendship, in its greatest height, +A constant, rational delight, +On virtue's basis fix'd to last, +When love allurements long are past, +Which gently warms, but cannot burn, +He gladly offers in return; +His want of passion will redeem +With gratitude, respect, esteem: +With what devotion we bestow, +When goddesses appear below. + While thus Cadenus entertains +Vanessa in exalted strains, +The nymph in sober words entreats +A truce with all sublime conceits; +For why such raptures, flights, and fancies, +To her who durst not read romances? +In lofty style to make replies, +Which he had taught her to despise? +But when her tutor will affect +Devotion, duty, and respect, +He fairly abdicates the throne: +The government is now her own; +He has a forfeiture incurr'd; +She vows to take him at his word, +And hopes he will not think it strange +If both should now their stations change, +The nymph will have her turn to be +The tutor; and the pupil, he; +Though she already can discern +Her scholar is not apt to learn; +Or wants capacity to reach +The science she designs to teach; +Wherein his genius was below +The skill of every common beau, +Who, though he cannot spell, is wise +Enough to read a lady's eyes, +And will each accidental glance +Interpret for a kind advance. + But what success Vanessa met, +Is to the world a secret yet. +Whether the nymph, to please her swain, +Talks in a high romantic strain; +Or whether he at last descends +To act with less seraphic ends; +Or to compound the business, whether +They temper love and books together; +Must never to mankind be told, +Nor shall the conscious Muse unfold. + Meantime the mournful Queen of Love +Led but a weary life above. +She ventures now to leave the skies, +Grown by Vanessa's conduct wise: +For though by one perverse event +Pallas had cross'd her first intent; +Though her design was not obtain'd: +Yet had she much experience gain'd, +And, by the project vainly tried, +Could better now the cause decide. +She gave due notice, that both parties, +_Coram Regina, prox' die Martis,_ +Should at their peril, without fail, +Come and appear, and save their bail. +All met; and, silence thrice proclaimed, +One lawyer to each side was named. +The judge discover'd in her face +Resentments for her late disgrace; +And full of anger, shame, and grief, +Directed them to mind their brief; +Nor spend their time to show their reading: +She'd have a summary proceeding. +She gather'd under every head +The sum of what each lawyer said, +Gave her own reasons last, and then +Decreed the cause against the men. + But in a weighty case like this, +To show she did not judge amiss, +Which evil tongues might else report, +She made a speech in open court; +Wherein she grievously complains, +"How she was cheated by the swains; +On whose petition (humbly showing, +That women were not worth the wooing, +And that, unless the sex would mend, +The race of lovers soon must end)-- +She was at Lord knows what expense +To form a nymph of wit and sense, +A model for her sex design'd, +Who never could one lover find. +She saw her favour was misplaced; +The fellows had a wretched taste; +She needs must tell them to their face, +They were a stupid, senseless race; +And, were she to begin again, +She'd study to reform the men; +Or add some grains of folly more +To women, than they had before, +To put them on an equal foot; +And this, or nothing else, would do't. +This might their mutual fancy strike; +Since every being loves its like. + "But now, repenting what was done, +She left all business to her son; +She put the world in his possession, +And let him use it at discretion." + The crier was order'd to dismiss +The court, who made his last "O yes!" +The goddess would no longer wait; +But, rising from her chair of state, +Left all below at six and seven, +Harness'd her doves, and flew to Heaven. + + +[Footnote 1: Hester, elder daughter of Bartholomew Vanhomrigh, a Dutch +merchant in Dublin, where he acquired a fortune of some L16,000. Upon +his death, his widow and two daughters settled in London, about 1710-11, +where Swift became intimate with the family. See "Prose Works," +especially Journal to Stella. After Swift became Dean of St. Patrick's, +Vanessa and her sister, on their mother's death, returned to Ireland. The +younger sister died about 1720, and Vanessa died at Marlay Abbey in +May, 1723.] + +[Footnote 2: A lace so called after the celebrated French Minister, +Colbert. Planche's "British Costume," 395._W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: See the verses "On Censure," vol. i, p.160.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +TO LOVE[1] + + +In all I wish, how happy should I be, +Thou grand Deluder, were it not for thee! +So weak thou art, that fools thy power despise; +And yet so strong, thou triumph'st o'er the wise. +Thy traps are laid with such peculiar art, +They catch the cautious, let the rash depart. +Most nets are fill'd by want of thought and care +But too much thinking brings us to thy snare; +Where, held by thee, in slavery we stay, +And throw the pleasing part of life away. +But, what does most my indignation move, +Discretion! thou wert ne'er a friend to Love: +Thy chief delight is to defeat those arts, +By which he kindles mutual flames in hearts; +While the blind loitering God is at his play, +Thou steal'st his golden pointed darts away: +Those darts which never fail; and in their stead +Convey'st malignant arrows tipt with lead: +The heedless God, suspecting no deceits, +Shoots on, and thinks he has done wondrous feats; +But the poor nymph, who feels her vitals burn, +And from her shepherd can find no return, +Laments, and rages at the power divine, +When, curst Discretion! all the fault was thine: +Cupid and Hymen thou hast set at odds, +And bred such feuds between those kindred gods, +That Venus cannot reconcile her sons; +When one appears, away the other runs. +The former scales, wherein he used to poise +Love against love, and equal joys with joys, +Are now fill'd up with avarice and pride, +Where titles, power, and riches, still subside. +Then, gentle Venus, to thy father run, +And tell him, how thy children are undone: +Prepare his bolts to give one fatal blow, +And strike Discretion to the shades below. + + +[Footnote 1: Found in Miss Vanhomrigh's desk, after her death, in the +handwriting of Dr. Swift.--_H._] + + + + +A REBUS. BY VANESSA + +Cut the name of the man [1] who his mistress denied, +And let the first of it be only applied +To join with the prophet[2] who David did chide; +Then say what a horse is that runs very fast;[3] +And that which deserves to be first put the last; +Spell all then, and put them together, to find +The name and the virtues of him I design'd. +Like the patriarch in Egypt, he's versed in the state; +Like the prophet in Jewry, he's free with the great; +Like a racer he flies, to succour with speed, +When his friends want his aid, or desert is in need. + +[Footnote 1: Jo-seph.] + +[Footnote 2: Nathan.] + +[Footnote 3: Swift.] + + + + +THE DEAN'S ANSWER + + +The nymph who wrote this in an amorous fit, +I cannot but envy the pride of her wit, +Which thus she will venture profusely to throw +On so mean a design, and a subject so low. +For mean's her design, and her subject as mean, +The first but a rebus, the last but a dean. +A dean's but a parson: and what is a rebus? +A thing never known to the Muses or Phoebus. +The corruption of verse; for, when all is done, +It is but a paraphrase made on a pun. +But a genius like hers no subject can stifle, +It shows and discovers itself through a trifle. +By reading this trifle, I quickly began +To find her a great wit, but the dean a small man. +Rich ladies will furnish their garrets with stuff, +Which others for mantuas would think fine enough: +So the wit that is lavishly thrown away here, +Might furnish a second-rate poet a year. +Thus much for the verse, we proceed to the next, +Where the nymph has entirely forsaken her text: +Her fine panegyrics are quite out of season: +And what she describes to be merit, is treason: +The changes which faction has made in the state, +Have put the dean's politics quite out of date: +Now no one regards what he utters with freedom, +And, should he write pamphlets, no great man would read 'em; +And, should want or desert stand in need of his aid, +This racer would prove but a dull founder'd jade. + + + + +STELLA'S BIRTH-DAY MARCH 13, 1718-19 + + +Stella this day is thirty-four, +(We shan't dispute a year or more:) +However, Stella, be not troubled, +Although thy size and years are doubled +Since first I saw thee at sixteen, +The brightest virgin on the green; +So little is thy form declined; +Made up so largely in thy mind. + O, would it please the gods to split +Thy beauty, size, and years, and wit! +No age could furnish out a pair +Of nymphs so graceful, wise, and fair; +With half the lustre of your eyes, +With half your wit, your years, and size. +And then, before it grew too late, +How should I beg of gentle fate, +(That either nymph might have her swain,) +To split my worship too in twain. + + + + +STELLA'S BIRTH-DAY.[1] 1719-20 + +WRITTEN A.D. 1720-21.--_Stella_. + + +All travellers at first incline +Where'er they see the fairest sign +And if they find the chambers neat, +And like the liquor and the meat, +Will call again, and recommend +The Angel Inn to every friend. +And though the painting grows decay'd, +The house will never lose its trade: +Nay, though the treach'rous tapster,[2] Thomas, +Hangs a new Angel two doors from us, +As fine as daubers' hands can make it, +In hopes that strangers may mistake it, +We[3] think it both a shame and sin +To quit the true old Angel Inn. + Now this is Stella's case in fact, +An angel's face a little crack'd. +(Could poets or could painters fix +How angels look at thirty-six:) +This drew us in at first to find +In such a form an angel's mind; +And every virtue now supplies +The fainting rays of Stella's eyes. +See, at her levee crowding swains, +Whom Stella freely entertains +With breeding, humour, wit, and sense, +And puts them to so small expense; +Their minds so plentifully fills, +And makes such reasonable bills, +So little gets for what she gives, +We really wonder how she lives! +And had her stock been less, no doubt +She must have long ago run out. + Then, who can think we'll quit the place, +When Doll hangs out a newer face? +Nail'd to her window full in sight +All Christian people to invite. +Or stop and light at Chloe's head, +With scraps and leavings to be fed? + Then, Chloe, still go on to prate +Of thirty-six and thirty-eight; +Pursue your trade of scandal-picking, +Your hints that Stella is no chicken; +Your innuendoes, when you tell us, +That Stella loves to talk with fellows: +But let me warn you to believe +A truth, for which your soul should grieve; +That should you live to see the day, +When Stella's locks must all be gray, +When age must print a furrow'd trace +On every feature of her face; +Though you, and all your senseless tribe, +Could Art, or Time, or Nature bribe, +To make you look like Beauty's Queen, +And hold for ever at fifteen; +No bloom of youth can ever blind +The cracks and wrinkles of your mind: +All men of sense will pass your door, +And crowd to Stella's at four-score. + + +[Footnote 1: Collated with Stella's own copy transcribed in her +volume.--_Forster_.] + +[Footnote 2: Rascal.--_Stella_.] + +[Footnote 3: They.--_Stella_.] + + + +TO STELLA, WHO COLLECTED AND TRANSCRIBED HIS POEMS +1720 + + +As, when a lofty pile is raised, +We never hear the workmen praised, +Who bring the lime, or place the stones. +But all admire Inigo Jones: +So, if this pile of scatter'd rhymes +Should be approved in aftertimes; +If it both pleases and endures, +The merit and the praise are yours. + Thou, Stella, wert no longer young, +When first for thee my harp was strung, +Without one word of Cupid's darts, +Of killing eyes, or bleeding hearts; +With friendship and esteem possest, +I ne'er admitted Love a guest. + In all the habitudes of life, +The friend, the mistress, and the wife, +Variety we still pursue, +In pleasure seek for something new; +Or else, comparing with the rest, +Take comfort that our own is best; +The best we value by the worst, +As tradesmen show their trash at first; +But his pursuits are at an end, +Whom Stella chooses for a friend. +A poet starving in a garret, +Conning all topics like a parrot, +Invokes his mistress and his Muse, +And stays at home for want of shoes: +Should but his Muse descending drop +A slice of bread and mutton-chop; +Or kindly, when his credit's out, +Surprise him with a pint of stout; +Or patch his broken stocking soles; +Or send him in a peck of coals; +Exalted in his mighty mind, +He flies and leaves the stars behind; +Counts all his labours amply paid, +Adores her for the timely aid. + Or, should a porter make inquiries +For Chloe, Sylvia, Phillis, Iris; +Be told the lodging, lane, and sign, +The bowers that hold those nymphs divine; +Fair Chloe would perhaps be found +With footmen tippling under ground; +The charming Sylvia beating flax, +Her shoulders mark'd with bloody tracks;[1] +Bright Phillis mending ragged smocks: +And radiant Iris in the pox. +These are the goddesses enroll'd +In Curll's collection, new and old, +Whose scoundrel fathers would not know 'em, +If they should meet them in a poem. + True poets can depress and raise, +Are lords of infamy and praise; +They are not scurrilous in satire, +Nor will in panegyric flatter. +Unjustly poets we asperse; +Truth shines the brighter clad in verse, +And all the fictions they pursue +Do but insinuate what is true. + Now, should my praises owe their truth +To beauty, dress, or paint, or youth, +What stoics call without our power, +They could not be ensured an hour; +'Twere grafting on an annual stock, +That must our expectation mock, +And, making one luxuriant shoot, +Die the next year for want of root: +Before I could my verses bring, +Perhaps you're quite another thing. + So Maevius, when he drain'd his skull +To celebrate some suburb trull, +His similes in order set, +And every crambo[2] he could get; +Had gone through all the common-places +Worn out by wits, who rhyme on faces; +Before he could his poem close, +The lovely nymph had lost her nose. + Your virtues safely I commend; +They on no accidents depend: +Let malice look with all her eyes, +She dares not say the poet lies. + Stella, when you these lines transcribe, +Lest you should take them for a bribe, +Resolved to mortify your pride, +I'll here expose your weaker side. + Your spirits kindle to a flame, +Moved by the lightest touch of blame; +And when a friend in kindness tries +To show you where your error lies, +Conviction does but more incense; +Perverseness is your whole defence; +Truth, judgment, wit, give place to spite, +Regardless both of wrong and right; +Your virtues all suspended wait, +Till time has open'd reason's gate; +And, what is worse, your passion bends +Its force against your nearest friends, +Which manners, decency, and pride, +Have taught from you the world to hide; +In vain; for see, your friend has brought +To public light your only fault; +And yet a fault we often find +Mix'd in a noble, generous mind: +And may compare to AEtna's fire, +Which, though with trembling, all admire; +The heat that makes the summit glow, +Enriching all the vales below. +Those who, in warmer climes, complain +From Phoebus' rays they suffer pain, +Must own that pain is largely paid +By generous wines beneath a shade. + Yet, when I find your passions rise, +And anger sparkling in your eyes, +I grieve those spirits should be spent, +For nobler ends by nature meant. +One passion, with a different turn, +Makes wit inflame, or anger burn: +So the sun's heat, with different powers, +Ripens the grape, the liquor sours: +Thus Ajax, when with rage possest, +By Pallas breathed into his breast, +His valour would no more employ, +Which might alone have conquer'd Troy; +But, blinded by resentment, seeks +For vengeance on his friends the Greeks. + You think this turbulence of blood +From stagnating preserves the flood, +Which, thus fermenting by degrees, +Exalts the spirits, sinks the lees. +Stella, for once you reason wrong; +For, should this ferment last too long, +By time subsiding, you may find +Nothing but acid left behind; +From passion you may then be freed, +When peevishness and spleen succeed. +Say, Stella, when you copy next, +Will you keep strictly to the text? +Dare you let these reproaches stand, +And to your failing set your hand? +Or, if these lines your anger fire, +Shall they in baser flames expire? +Whene'er they burn, if burn they must, +They'll prove my accusation just. + + +[Footnote 1: At Bridewell; see vol. i, "A Beautiful Young Nymph," at +p. 201.--_W. E. B_.] + +[Footnote 3: A cant word for a rhyme.--_W. E. B._] + + + +TO STELLA VISITING ME IN MY SICKNESS +1720 + + +Pallas, observing Stella's wit +Was more than for her sex was fit, +And that her beauty, soon or late, +Might breed confusion in the state, +In high concern for human kind, +Fix'd honour in her infant mind. + But (not in wrangling to engage +With such a stupid, vicious age) +If honour I would here define, +It answers faith in things divine. +As natural life the body warms, +And, scholars teach, the soul informs, +So honour animates the whole, +And is the spirit of the soul. + Those numerous virtues which the tribe +Of tedious moralists describe, +And by such various titles call, +True honour comprehends them all. +Let melancholy rule supreme, +Choler preside, or blood, or phlegm, +It makes no difference in the case, +Nor is complexion honour's place. + But, lest we should for honour take +The drunken quarrels of a rake: +Or think it seated in a scar, +Or on a proud triumphal car; +Or in the payment of a debt +We lose with sharpers at piquet; +Or when a whore, in her vocation, +Keeps punctual to an assignation; +Or that on which his lordship swears, +When vulgar knaves would lose their ears; +Let Stella's fair example preach +A lesson she alone can teach. + In points of honour to be tried, +All passions must be laid aside: +Ask no advice, but think alone; +Suppose the question not your own. +How shall I act, is not the case; +But how would Brutus in my place? +In such a case would Cato bleed? +And how would Socrates proceed? + Drive all objections from your mind, +Else you relapse to human kind: +Ambition, avarice, and lust, +A factious rage, and breach of trust, +And flattery tipt with nauseous fleer, +And guilty shame, and servile fear, +Envy, and cruelty, and pride, +Will in your tainted heart preside. + Heroes and heroines of old, +By honour only were enroll'd +Among their brethren in the skies, +To which (though late) shall Stella rise. +Ten thousand oaths upon record +Are not so sacred as her word: +The world shall in its atoms end, +Ere Stella can deceive a friend. +By honour seated in her breast +She still determines what is best: +What indignation in her mind +Against enslavers of mankind! +Base kings, and ministers of state, +Eternal objects of her hate! +She thinks that nature ne'er design'd +Courage to man alone confined. +Can cowardice her sex adorn, +Which most exposes ours to scorn? +She wonders where the charm appears +In Florimel's affected fears; +For Stella never learn'd the art +At proper times to scream and start; +Nor calls up all the house at night, +And swears she saw a thing in white. +Doll never flies to cut her lace, +Or throw cold water in her face, +Because she heard a sudden drum, +Or found an earwig in a plum. + Her hearers are amazed from whence +Proceeds that fund of wit and sense; +Which, though her modesty would shroud, +Breaks like the sun behind a cloud; +While gracefulness its art conceals, +And yet through every motion steals. + Say, Stella, was Prometheus blind, +And, forming you, mistook your kind? +No; 'twas for you alone he stole +The fire that forms a manly soul; +Then, to complete it every way, +He moulded it with female clay: +To that you owe the nobler flame, +To this the beauty of your frame. + How would Ingratitude delight, +And how would Censure glut her spite, +If I should Stella's kindness hide +In silence, or forget with pride! +When on my sickly couch I lay, +Impatient both of night and day, +Lamenting in unmanly strains, +Call'd every power to ease my pains; +Then Stella ran to my relief, +With cheerful face and inward grief; +And, though by Heaven's severe decree +She suffers hourly more than me, +No cruel master could require, +From slaves employ'd for daily hire, +What Stella, by her friendship warm'd +With vigour and delight perform'd: +My sinking spirits now supplies +With cordials in her hands and eyes: +Now with a soft and silent tread +Unheard she moves about my bed. +I see her taste each nauseous draught, +And so obligingly am caught; +I bless the hand from whence they came, +Nor dare distort my face for shame. + Best pattern of true friends! beware; +You pay too dearly for your care, +If, while your tenderness secures +My life, it must endanger yours; +For such a fool was never found, +Who pull'd a palace to the ground, +Only to have the ruins made +Materials for a house decay'd. + + + + +STELLA TO DR. SWIFT ON HIS BIRTH-DAY, NOV. 30, 1721 + + +St. Patrick's Dean, your country's pride, +My early and my only guide, +Let me among the rest attend, +Your pupil and your humble friend, +To celebrate in female strains +The day that paid your mother's pains; +Descend to take that tribute due +In gratitude alone to you. + When men began to call me fair, +You interposed your timely care: +You early taught me to despise +The ogling of a coxcomb's eyes; +Show'd where my judgment was misplaced; +Refined my fancy and my taste. + Behold that beauty just decay'd, +Invoking art to nature's aid: +Forsook by her admiring train, +She spreads her tatter'd nets in vain; +Short was her part upon the stage; +Went smoothly on for half a page; +Her bloom was gone, she wanted art, +As the scene changed, to change her part; +She, whom no lover could resist, +Before the second act was hiss'd. +Such is the fate of female race +With no endowments but a face; +Before the thirtieth year of life, +A maid forlorn, or hated wife. + Stella to you, her tutor, owes +That she has ne'er resembled those: +Nor was a burden to mankind +With half her course of years behind. +You taught how I might youth prolong, +By knowing what was right and wrong; +How from my heart to bring supplies +Of lustre to my fading eyes; +How soon a beauteous mind repairs +The loss of changed or falling hairs; +How wit and virtue from within +Send out a smoothness o'er the skin: +Your lectures could my fancy fix, +And I can please at thirty-six. +The sight of Chloe at fifteen, +Coquetting, gives not me the spleen; +The idol now of every fool +Till time shall make their passions cool; +Then tumbling down Time's steepy hill, +While Stella holds her station still. +O! turn your precepts into laws, +Redeem the women's ruin'd cause, +Retrieve lost empire to our sex, +That men may bow their rebel necks. + Long be the day that gave you birth +Sacred to friendship, wit, and mirth; +Late dying may you cast a shred +Of your rich mantle o'er my head; +To bear with dignity my sorrow, +One day alone, then die to-morrow. + + + + +TO STELLA ON HER BIRTH-DAY, 1721-2 + + +While, Stella, to your lasting praise +The Muse her annual tribute pays, +While I assign myself a task +Which you expect, but scorn to ask; +If I perform this task with pain, +Let me of partial fate complain; +You every year the debt enlarge, +I grow less equal to the charge: +In you each virtue brighter shines, +But my poetic vein declines; +My harp will soon in vain be strung, +And all your virtues left unsung. +For none among the upstart race +Of poets dare assume my place; +Your worth will be to them unknown, +They must have Stellas of their own; +And thus, my stock of wit decay'd, +I dying leave the debt unpaid, +Unless Delany, as my heir, +Will answer for the whole arrear. + + + + +ON THE GREAT BURIED BOTTLE +BY DR. DELANY + +Amphora, quae moestum linquis, laetumque revises + Arentem dominum, sit tibi terra levis. +Tu quoque depositum serves, neve opprime, marmor; + Amphora non meruit tam pretiosa mori. + + + + +EPITAPH +BY THE SAME + +Hoc tumulata jacet proles Lenaea sepulchro, +Immortale genus, nee peritura jacet; +Quin oritura iterum, matris concreditur alvo: +Bis natum referunt te quoque, Bacche Pater. + + + + +STELLA'S BIRTH-DAY: +A GREAT BOTTLE OF WINE, LONG BURIED, BEING THAT DAY DUG UP. 1722-3 + + +Resolv'd my annual verse to pay, +By duty bound, on Stella's day, +Furnish'd with paper, pens, and ink, +I gravely sat me down to think: +I bit my nails, and scratch'd my head, +But found my wit and fancy fled: +Or if, with more than usual pain, +A thought came slowly from my brain, +It cost me Lord knows how much time +To shape it into sense and rhyme: +And, what was yet a greater curse, +Long thinking made my fancy worse. + Forsaken by th'inspiring Nine, +I waited at Apollo's shrine: +I told him what the world would say, +If Stella were unsung to-day: +How I should hide my head for shame, +When both the Jacks and Robin came; +How Ford would frown, how Jim would leer, +How Sheridan the rogue would sneer, +And swear it does not always follow, +That _semel'n anno ridet Apollo_. +I have assur'd them twenty times, +That Phoebus help'd me in my rhymes; +Phoebus inspired me from above, +And he and I were hand and glove. +But, finding me so dull and dry since, +They'll call it all poetic license; +And when I brag of aid divine, +Think Eusden's[1] right as good as mine. + Nor do I ask for Stella's sake; +'Tis my own credit lies at stake: +And Stella will be sung, while I +Can only be a stander by. + Apollo, having thought a little, +Return'd this answer to a tittle. + Though you should live like old Methusalem, +I furnish hints and you shall use all 'em, +You yearly sing as she grows old, +You'd leave her virtues half untold. +But, to say truth, such dulness reigns, +Through the whole set of Irish deans, +I'm daily stunn'd with such a medley, +Dean White, Dean Daniel, and Dean Smedley, +That, let what dean soever come, +My orders are, I'm not at home; +And if your voice had not been loud, +You must have pass'd among the crowd. + But now, your danger to prevent, +You must apply to Mrs. Brent;[2] +For she, as priestess, knows the rites +Wherein the god of earth delights. +First, nine ways looking,[3] let her stand +With an old poker in her hand; +Let her describe a circle round +In Saunders'[4] cellar on the ground: +A spade let prudent Archy[5] hold, +And with discretion dig the mould. +Let Stella look with watchful eye, +Rebecca,[6] Ford, and Grattans by. + Behold the bottle, where it lies +With neck elated toward the skies! +The god of winds and god of fire +Did to its wondrous birth conspire; +And Bacchus for the poet's use +Pour'd in a strong inspiring juice. +See! as you raise it from its tomb, +It drags behind a spacious womb, +And in the spacious womb contains +A sov'reign med'cine for the brains. + You'll find it soon, if fate consents; +If not, a thousand Mrs. Brents, +Ten thousand Archys, arm'd with spades, +May dig in vain to Pluto's shades. + From thence a plenteous draught infuse, +And boldly then invoke the Muse; +But first let Robert[7] on his knees +With caution drain it from the lees; +The Muse will at your call appear, +With Stella's praise to crown the year. + + +[Footnote 1: The Poet Laureate.] + +[Footnote 2: "Mrs. Brent, my housekeeper, famous in print for digging out +the great bottle." "I dine _tete a tete_ five days a week with my old +presbyterian housekeeper whom I call Sir Robert." Swift to Pope. Pope's +"Works," edit. Elwin and Courthope, vii, pp. 145, 212.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: She had a cast in her eyes.--_Swift._] + +[Footnote 4: The butler.] + +[Footnote 5: The footman.] + +[Footnote 6: Mrs. Dingley.] + +[Footnote 7: The valet.] + + + + +STELLA AT WOOD PARK, +A HOUSE OF CHARLES FORD, ESQ., NEAR DUBLIN +1723 + + --cuicumque nocere volebat, +Vestimenta dabat pretiosa.[1] + + +Don Carlos, in a merry spight, +Did Stella to his house invite: +He entertain'd her half a year +With generous wines and costly cheer. +Don Carlos made her chief director, +That she might o'er the servants hector. +In half a week the dame grew nice, +Got all things at the highest price: +Now at the table head she sits, +Presented with the nicest bits: +She look'd on partridges with scorn, +Except they tasted of the corn: +A haunch of ven'son made her sweat, +Unless it had the right _fumette_. +Don Carlos earnestly would beg, +"Dear Madam, try this pigeon's leg;" +Was happy, when he could prevail +To make her only touch a quail. +Through candle-light she view'd the wine, +To see that ev'ry glass was fine. +At last, grown prouder than the devil +With feeding high, and treatment civil, +Don Carlos now began to find +His malice work as he design'd. +The winter sky began to frown: +Poor Stella must pack off to town; +From purling streams and fountains bubbling, +To Liffey's stinking tide in Dublin: +From wholesome exercise and air +To sossing in an easy-chair: +From stomach sharp, and hearty feeding, +To piddle[2] like a lady breeding: +From ruling there the household singly. +To be directed here by Dingley:[3] +From every day a lordly banquet, +To half a joint, and God be thank it: +From every meal Pontac in plenty, +To half a pint one day in twenty: +From Ford attending at her call, +To visits of Archdeacon Wall: +From Ford, who thinks of nothing mean, +To the poor doings of the Dean: +From growing richer with good cheer, +To running out by starving here. + But now arrives the dismal day; +She must return to Ormond Quay.[4] +The coachman stopt; she look'd, and swore +The rascal had mistook the door: +At coming in, you saw her stoop; +The entry brush'd against her hoop: +Each moment rising in her airs, +She curst the narrow winding stairs: +Began a thousand faults to spy; +The ceiling hardly six feet high; +The smutty wainscot full of cracks: +And half the chairs with broken backs: +Her quarter's out at Lady-day; +She vows she will no longer stay +In lodgings like a poor Grisette, +While there are houses to be let. + Howe'er, to keep her spirits up, +She sent for company to sup: +When all the while you might remark, +She strove in vain to ape Wood Park. +Two bottles call'd for, (half her store, +The cupboard could contain but four:) +A supper worthy of herself, +Five nothings in five plates of delf. + Thus for a week the farce went on; +When, all her country savings gone, +She fell into her former scene, +Small beer, a herring, and the Dean. + Thus far in jest: though now, I fear, +You think my jesting too severe; +But poets, when a hint is new, +Regard not whether false or true: +Yet raillery gives no offence, +Where truth has not the least pretence; +Nor can be more securely placed +Than on a nymph of Stella's taste. +I must confess your wine and vittle +I was too hard upon a little: +Your table neat, your linen fine; +And, though in miniature, you shine: +Yet, when you sigh to leave Wood Park, +The scene, the welcome, and the spark, +To languish in this odious town, +And pull your haughty stomach down, +We think you quite mistake the case, +The virtue lies not in the place: +For though my raillery were true, +A cottage is Wood Park with you. + + +[Footnote 1: Horat., "Epist.," i, 18, 31.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: In its proper sense--to pick at table, to feed squeamishly. + "With entremets to piddle with at hand." +BYRON, _Don Juan.--W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: The constant companion of Stella.] + +[Footnote 4: Where the two ladies lodged.] + + + + +A NEW YEAR'S GIFT FOR BEC [1] +1723-4 + + +Returning Janus[2] now prepares, +For Bec, a new supply of cares, +Sent in a bag to Dr. Swift, +Who thus displays the new-year's gift. + First, this large parcel brings you tidings +Of our good Dean's eternal chidings; +Of Nelly's pertness, Robin's leasings, +And Sheridan's perpetual teazings. +This box is cramm'd on every side +With Stella's magisterial pride. +Behold a cage with sparrows fill'd, +First to be fondled, then be kill'd. +Now to this hamper I invite you, +With six imagined cares to fright you. +Here in this bundle Janus sends +Concerns by thousands for your friends. +And here's a pair of leathern pokes, +To hold your cares for other folks. +Here from this barrel you may broach +A peck of troubles for a coach. +This ball of wax your ears will darken, +Still to be curious, never hearken. +Lest you the town may have less trouble in +Bring all your Quilca's [3] cares to Dublin, +For which he sends this empty sack; +And so take all upon your back. + + +[Footnote 1: Mrs. Rebecca Dingley, Stella's friend and companion.] + +[Footnote 2: The sun god represented with two faces, one in front, and +one behind, to whom the new year was sacred.--_W. E. B_.] + +[Footnote 3: Country-house of Dr. Sheridan.] + + + + +DINGLEY AND BRENT[1] +A SONG + +To the tune of "Ye Commons and Peers." + + Dingley and Brent, + Wherever they went, +Ne'er minded a word that was spoken; + Whatever was said, + They ne'er troubled their head, +But laugh'd at their own silly joking. + + Should Solomon wise + In majesty rise, +And show them his wit and his learning; + They never would hear, + But turn the deaf ear, +As a matter they had no concern in. + + You tell a good jest, + And please all the rest; +Comes Dingley, and asks you, what was it? + And, curious to know, + Away she will go +To seek an old rag in the closet. + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Swift's housekeeper.] + + + + +TO STELLA + +WRITTEN ON THE DAY OF HER BIRTH, MARCH 13, 1723-4, +BUT NOT ON THE SUBJECT, WHEN I WAS SICK IN BED + +Tormented with incessant pains, +Can I devise poetic strains? +Time was, when I could yearly pay +My verse to Stella's native day: +But now unable grown to write, +I grieve she ever saw the light. +Ungrateful! since to her I owe +That I these pains can undergo. +She tends me like an humble slave; +And, when indecently I rave, +When out my brutish passions break, +With gall in every word I speak, +She with soft speech my anguish cheers, +Or melts my passions down with tears; +Although 'tis easy to descry +She wants assistance more than I; +Yet seems to feel my pains alone, +And is a stoic in her own. +When, among scholars, can we find +So soft and yet so firm a mind? +All accidents of life conspire +To raise up Stella's virtue higher; +Or else to introduce the rest +Which had been latent in her breast. +Her firmness who could e'er have known, +Had she not evils of her own? +Her kindness who could ever guess, +Had not her friends been in distress? +Whatever base returns you find +From me, dear Stella, still be kind. +In your own heart you'll reap the fruit, +Though I continue still a brute. +But, when I once am out of pain, +I promise to be good again; +Meantime, your other juster friends +Shall for my follies make amends; +So may we long continue thus, +Admiring you, you pitying us. + + + + +VERSES BY STELLA + +If it be true, celestial powers, +That you have form'd me fair, +And yet, in all my vainest hours, +My mind has been my care: +Then, in return, I beg this grace, +As you were ever kind, +What envious Time takes from my face +Bestow upon my mind! + + + + +A RECEIPT TO RESTORE STELLA'S YOUTH. 1724-5 + + +The Scottish hinds, too poor to house +In frosty nights their starving cows, +While not a blade of grass or hay +Appears from Michaelmas to May, +Must let their cattle range in vain +For food along the barren plain: +Meagre and lank with fasting grown, +And nothing left but skin and bone; +Exposed to want, and wind, and weather, +They just keep life and soul together, +Till summer showers and evening's dew +Again the verdant glebe renew; +And, as the vegetables rise, +The famish'd cow her want supplies; +Without an ounce of last year's flesh; +Whate'er she gains is young and fresh; +Grows plump and round, and full of mettle, +As rising from Medea's [1] kettle. +With youth and beauty to enchant +Europa's[2] counterfeit gallant. + Why, Stella, should you knit your brow, +If I compare you to a cow? +'Tis just the case; for you have fasted +So long, till all your flesh is wasted; +And must against the warmer days +Be sent to Quilca down to graze; +Where mirth, and exercise, and air, +Will soon your appetite repair: +The nutriment will from within, +Round all your body, plump your skin; +Will agitate the lazy flood, +And fill your veins with sprightly blood. +Nor flesh nor blood will be the same +Nor aught of Stella but the name: +For what was ever understood, +By human kind, but flesh and blood? +And if your flesh and blood be new, +You'll be no more the former you; +But for a blooming nymph will pass, +Just fifteen, coming summer's grass, +Your jetty locks with garlands crown'd: +While all the squires for nine miles round, +Attended by a brace of curs, +With jockey boots and silver spurs, +No less than justices o' quorum, +Their cow-boys bearing cloaks before 'em, +Shall leave deciding broken pates, +To kiss your steps at Quilca gates. +But, lest you should my skill disgrace, +Come back before you're out of case; +For if to Michaelmas you stay, +The new-born flesh will melt away; +The 'squires in scorn will fly the house +For better game, and look for grouse; +But here, before the frost can mar it, +We'll make it firm with beef and claret. + + +[Footnote 1: The celebrated sorceress, daughter of AEetes, King of +Colchis, who assisted Jason in obtaining possession of the Golden +Fleece.--_W. E. B_.] + +[Footnote 2: Carried off by Jupiter under the form of a bull. Ovid, +"Met." ii, 836.] + + + +STELLA'S BIRTH-DAY. 1724-5 + + +As when a beauteous nymph decays, +We say she's past her dancing days; +So poets lose their feet by time, +And can no longer dance in rhyme. +Your annual bard had rather chose +To celebrate your birth in prose: +Yet merry folks, who want by chance +A pair to make a country dance, +Call the old housekeeper, and get her +To fill a place for want of better: +While Sheridan is off the hooks, +And friend Delany at his books, +That Stella may avoid disgrace, +Once more the Dean supplies their place. + Beauty and wit, too sad a truth! +Have always been confined to youth; +The god of wit and beauty's queen, +He twenty-one and she fifteen, +No poet ever sweetly sung, +Unless he were, like Phoebus, young; +Nor ever nymph inspired to rhyme, +Unless, like Venus, in her prime. +At fifty-six, if this be true, +Am I a poet fit for you? +Or, at the age of forty-three, +Are you a subject fit for me? +Adieu! bright wit, and radiant eyes! +You must be grave and I be wise. +Our fate in vain we would oppose: +But I'll be still your friend in prose: +Esteem and friendship to express, +Will not require poetic dress; +And if the Muse deny her aid +To have them sung, they may be said. + But, Stella, say, what evil tongue +Reports you are no longer young; +That Time sits with his scythe to mow +Where erst sat Cupid with his bow; +That half your locks are turn'd to gray? +I'll ne'er believe a word they say. +'Tis true, but let it not be known, +My eyes are somewhat dimmish grown; +For nature, always in the right, +To your decays adapts my sight; +And wrinkles undistinguished pass, +For I'm ashamed to use a glass: +And till I see them with these eyes, +Whoever says you have them, lies. + No length of time can make you quit +Honour and virtue, sense and wit; +Thus you may still be young to me, +While I can better hear than see. +O ne'er may Fortune show her spite, +To make me deaf, and mend my sight![1] + +[Footnote 1: Now deaf, 1740.--_Swift_. This pathetic note was in Swift's +writing in his own copy of the "Miscellanies," edit. +1727-32.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +BEC'S[1] BIRTH-DAY +NOV. 8, 1726 + + +This day, dear Bec, is thy nativity; +Had Fate a luckier one, she'd give it ye. +She chose a thread of greatest length, +And doubly twisted it for strength: +Nor will be able with her shears +To cut it off these forty years. +Then who says care will kill a cat? +Rebecca shows they're out in that. +For she, though overrun with care, +Continues healthy, fat, and fair. + As, if the gout should seize the head, +Doctors pronounce the patient dead; +But, if they can, by all their arts, +Eject it to the extremest parts, +They give the sick man joy, and praise +The gout that will prolong his days. +Rebecca thus I gladly greet, +Who drives her cares to hands and feet: +For, though philosophers maintain +The limbs are guided by the brain, +Quite contrary Rebecca's led; +Her hands and feet conduct her head; +By arbitrary power convey her, +She ne'er considers why or where: +Her hands may meddle, feet may wander, +Her head is but a mere by-stander: +And all her bustling but supplies +The part of wholesome exercise. +Thus nature has resolved to pay her +The cat's nine lives, and eke the care. + Long may she live, and help her friends +Whene'er it suits her private ends; +Domestic business never mind +Till coffee has her stomach lined; +But, when her breakfast gives her courage, +Then think on Stella's chicken porridge: +I mean when Tiger[2]has been served, +Or else poor Stella may be starved. + May Bec have many an evening nap, +With Tiger slabbering in her lap; +But always take a special care +She does not overset the chair; +Still be she curious, never hearken +To any speech but Tiger's barking! + And when she's in another scene, +Stella long dead, but first the Dean, +May fortune and her coffee get her +Companions that will please her better! +Whole afternoons will sit beside her, +Nor for neglects or blunders chide her. +A goodly set as can be found +Of hearty gossips prating round; +Fresh from a wedding or a christening, +To teach her ears the art of listening, +And please her more to hear them tattle, +Than the Dean storm, or Stella rattle. + Late be her death, one gentle nod, +When Hermes,[3] waiting with his rod, +Shall to Elysian fields invite her, +Where there will be no cares to fright her! + + +[Footnote 1: Mrs. Rebecca Dingley.] + +[Footnote 2: Mrs. Dingley's favourite lap-dog. See next +page.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: Mercury.--Virg., "Aeneid," iv.] + + + +ON THE COLLAR OF TIGER, + +MRS. DINGLEY'S LAP-DOG + +Pray steal me not; I'm Mrs. Dingley's, +Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies. + + + +STELLA'S BIRTH-DAY + +MARCH 13, 1726-7 + + +This day, whate'er the Fates decree, +Shall still be kept with joy by me: +This day then let us not be told, +That you are sick, and I grown old; +Nor think on our approaching ills, +And talk of spectacles and pills; +To-morrow will be time enough +To hear such mortifying stuff. +Yet, since from reason may be brought +A better and more pleasing thought, +Which can, in spite of all decays, +Support a few remaining days; +From not the gravest of divines +Accept for once some serious lines. + Although we now can form no more +Long schemes of life, as heretofore; +Yet you, while time is running fast, +Can look with joy on what is past. + Were future happiness and pain +A mere contrivance of the brain; +As atheists argue, to entice +And fit their proselytes for vice; +(The only comfort they propose, +To have companions in their woes;) +Grant this the case; yet sure 'tis hard +That virtue, styled its own reward, +And by all sages understood +To be the chief of human good, +Should acting die; nor leave behind +Some lasting pleasure in the mind, +Which, by remembrance, will assuage +Grief, sickness, poverty, and age; +And strongly shoot a radiant dart +To shine through life's declining part. + Say, Stella, feel you no content, +Reflecting on a life well spent? +Your skilful hand employ'd to save +Despairing wretches from the grave; +And then supporting with your store +Those whom you dragg'd from death before? +So Providence on mortals waits, +Preserving what it first creates. +Your generous boldness to defend +An innocent and absent friend; +That courage which can make you just +To merit humbled in the dust; +The detestation you express +For vice in all its glittering dress; +That patience under torturing pain, +Where stubborn stoics would complain: +Must these like empty shadows pass, +Or forms reflected from a glass? +Or mere chimeras in the mind, +That fly, and leave no marks behind? +Does not the body thrive and grow +By food of twenty years ago? +And, had it not been still supplied, +It must a thousand times have died. +Then who with reason can maintain +That no effects of food remain? +And is not virtue in mankind +The nutriment that feeds the mind; +Upheld by each good action past, +And still continued by the last? +Then, who with reason can pretend +That all effects of virtue end? + Believe me, Stella, when you show +That true contempt for things below, +Nor prize your life for other ends, +Than merely to oblige your friends; +Your former actions claim their part, +And join to fortify your heart. +For Virtue, in her daily race, +Like Janus, bears a double face; +Looks back with joy where she has gone +And therefore goes with courage on: +She at your sickly couch will wait, +And guide you to a better state. + O then, whatever Heaven intends, +Take pity on your pitying friends! +Nor let your ills affect your mind, +To fancy they can be unkind. +Me, surely me, you ought to spare, +Who gladly would your suffering share; +Or give my scrap of life to you, +And think it far beneath your due; +You, to whose care so oft I owe +That I'm alive to tell you so. + + + + +DEATH AND DAPHNE + +TO AN AGREEABLE YOUNG LADY, BUT EXTREMELY LEAN. 1730 + +Lord Orrery gives us the following curious anecdote respecting this +poem: + +"I have just now cast my eye over a poem called 'Death and Daphne,' which +makes me recollect an odd incident, relating to that nymph. Swift, soon +after our acquaintance, introduced me to her as to one of his female +favourites. I had scarce been half an hour in her company, before she +asked me if I had seen the Dean's poem upon 'Death and Daphne.' As I +told her I had not, she immediately unlocked a cabinet, and, bringing out +the manuscript, read it to me with a seeming satisfaction, of which, at +that time, I doubted the sincerity. While she was reading, the Dean was +perpetually correcting her for bad pronunciation, and for placing a wrong +emphasis upon particular words. As soon as she had gone through the +composition, she assured me, smilingly, that the portrait of Daphne was +drawn for herself. I begged to be excused from believing it; and +protested that I could not see one feature that had the least +resemblance; but the Dean immediately burst into a fit of laughter. 'You +fancy,' says he, 'that you are very polite, but you are much mistaken. +That lady had rather be a Daphne drawn by me, than a Sacharissa by any +other pencil.' She confirmed what he had said with great earnestness, so +that I had no other method of retrieving my error, than by whispering in +her ear, as I was conducting her down stairs to dinner, that indeed I +found + 'Her hand as dry and cold as lead!'" +--_Remarks on the Life of Swift_, Lond., 1752, p. 126. + + +Death went upon a solemn day +At Pluto's hall his court to pay; +The phantom having humbly kiss'd +His grisly monarch's sooty fist, +Presented him the weekly bills +Of doctors, fevers, plagues, and pills. +Pluto, observing since the peace +The burial article decrease, +And vex'd to see affairs miscarry, +Declared in council Death must marry; +Vow'd he no longer could support +Old bachelors about his court; +The interest of his realm had need +That Death should get a numerous breed; +Young deathlings, who, by practice made +Proficient in their father's trade, +With colonies might stock around +His large dominions under ground. + A consult of coquettes below +Was call'd, to rig him out a beau; +From her own head Megaera[1] takes +A periwig of twisted snakes: +Which in the nicest fashion curl'd, +(Like toupees[2] of this upper world) +With flower of sulphur powder'd well, +That graceful on his shoulders fell; +An adder of the sable kind +In line direct hung down behind: +The owl, the raven, and the bat, +Clubb'd for a feather to his hat: +His coat, a usurer's velvet pall, +Bequeath'd to Pluto, corpse and all. +But, loath his person to expose +Bare, like a carcass pick'd by crows, +A lawyer, o'er his hands and face +Stuck artfully a parchment case. +No new flux'd rake show'd fairer skin; +Nor Phyllis after lying in. +With snuff was fill'd his ebon box, +Of shin-bones rotted by the pox. +Nine spirits of blaspheming fops, +With aconite anoint his chops; +And give him words of dreadful sounds, +G--d d--n his blood! and b--d and w--ds!' + Thus furnish'd out, he sent his train +To take a house in Warwick-lane:[3] +The faculty, his humble friends, +A complimental message sends: +Their president in scarlet gown +Harangued, and welcomed him to town. + But Death had business to dispatch; +His mind was running on his match. +And hearing much of Daphne's fame, +His majesty of terrors came, +Fine as a colonel of the guards, +To visit where she sat at cards; +She, as he came into the room, +Thought him Adonis in his bloom. +And now her heart with pleasure jumps, +She scarce remembers what is trumps; +For such a shape of skin and bone +Was never seen except her own. +Charm'd with his eyes, and chin, and snout, +Her pocket-glass drew slily out; +And grew enamour'd with her phiz, +As just the counterpart of his. +She darted many a private glance, +And freely made the first advance; +Was of her beauty grown so vain, +She doubted not to win the swain; +Nothing she thought could sooner gain him, +Than with her wit to entertain him. +She ask'd about her friends below; +This meagre fop, that batter'd beau; +Whether some late departed toasts +Had got gallants among the ghosts? +If Chloe were a sharper still +As great as ever at quadrille? +(The ladies there must needs be rooks, +For cards, we know, are Pluto's books.) +If Florimel had found her love, +For whom she hang'd herself above? +How oft a-week was kept a ball +By Proserpine at Pluto's hall? +She fancied those Elysian shades +The sweetest place for masquerades; +How pleasant on the banks of Styx, +To troll it in a coach and six! + What pride a female heart inflames? +How endless are ambition's aims: +Cease, haughty nymph; the Fates decree +Death must not be a spouse for thee; +For, when by chance the meagre shade +Upon thy hand his finger laid, +Thy hand as dry and cold as lead, +His matrimonial spirit fled; +He felt about his heart a damp, +That quite extinguished Cupid's lamp: +Away the frighted spectre scuds, +And leaves my lady in the suds. + + +[Footnote 1: Megaera, one of three Furies, beautifully described by +Virgil, "Aeneid," xii, 846.--. _W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Periwigs with long tails.] + +[Footnote 3: Where the College of Physicians was situated at that time. +See Cunningham's "Handbook of London."--_W. E. B._] + + + + +DAPHNE + + +Daphne knows, with equal ease, +How to vex, and how to please; +But the folly of her sex +Makes her sole delight to vex. +Never woman more devised +Surer ways to be despised; +Paradoxes weakly wielding, +Always conquer'd, never yielding. +To dispute, her chief delight, +Without one opinion right: +Thick her arguments she lays on, +And with cavils combats reason; +Answers in decisive way, +Never hears what you can say; +Still her odd perverseness shows +Chiefly where she nothing knows; +And, where she is most familiar, +Always peevisher and sillier; +All her spirits in a flame +When she knows she's most to blame. + Send me hence ten thousand miles, +From a face that always smiles: +None could ever act that part, +But a fury in her heart. +Ye who hate such inconsistence, +To be easy, keep your distance: +Or in folly still befriend her, +But have no concern to mend her; +Lose not time to contradict her, +Nor endeavour to convict her. +Never take it in your thought, +That she'll own, or cure a fault. +Into contradiction warm her, +Then, perhaps, you may reform her: +Only take this rule along, +Always to advise her wrong; +And reprove her when she's right; +She may then grow wise for spight. + No--that scheme will ne'er succeed, +She has better learnt her creed; +She's too cunning and too skilful, +When to yield, and when be wilful. +Nature holds her forth two mirrors, +One for truth, and one for errors: +That looks hideous, fierce, and frightful; +This is flattering and delightful: +That she throws away as foul; +Sits by this to dress her soul. + Thus you have the case in view, +Daphne, 'twixt the Dean and you: +Heaven forbid he should despise thee, +But he'll never more advise thee. + + + + +RIDDLES BY DR. SWIFT AND HIS FRIENDS. +WRITTEN IN OR ABOUT THE YEAR 1724 + +The following notice is subjoined to some of these riddles, in the Dublin +edition: "About nine or ten years ago, (_i.e._ about 1724,) some +ingenious gentlemen, friends to the author, used to entertain themselves +with writing riddles, and send them to him and their other acquaintance; +copies of which ran about, and some of them were printed, both here and +in England. The author, at his leisure hours, fell into the same +amusement; although it be said that he thought them of no great merit, +entertainment, or use. However, by the advice of some persons, for whom +the author hath a great esteem, and who were pleased to send us the +copies, we have ventured to print the few following, as we have done two +or three before, and which are allowed to be genuine; because we are +informed that several good judges have a taste for such kind of +compositions." + + + +PETHOX THE GREAT. 1723 + +FROM Venus born, thy beauty shows; +But who thy father, no man knows: +Nor can the skilful herald trace +The founder of thy ancient race; +Whether thy temper, full of fire, +Discovers Vulcan for thy sire, +The god who made Scamander boil, +And round his margin singed the soil: +(From whence, philosophers agree, +An equal power descends to thee;) +Whether from dreadful Mars you claim +The high descent from whence you came, +And, as a proof, show numerous scars +By fierce encounters made in wars, +Those honourable wounds you bore +From head to foot, and all before, +And still the bloody field frequent, +Familiar in each leader's tent; +Or whether, as the learn'd contend, +You from the neighbouring Gaul descend; +Or from Parthenope[1] the proud, +Where numberless thy votaries crowd; +Whether thy great forefathers came +From realms that bear Vespuccio's name,[2] +For so conjectures would obtrude; +And from thy painted skin conclude; +Whether, as Epicurus[3] shows, +The world from justling seeds arose, +Which, mingling with prolific strife +In chaos, kindled into life: +So your production was the same, +And from contending atoms came. + Thy fair indulgent mother crown'd +Thy head with sparkling rubies round: +Beneath thy decent steps the road +Is all with precious jewels strew'd, +The bird of Pallas,[4] knows his post, +Thee to attend, where'er thou goest. + Byzantians boast, that on the clod +Where once their Sultan's horse hath trod, +Grows neither grass, nor shrub, nor tree: +The same thy subjects boast of thee. + The greatest lord, when you appear, +Will deign your livery to wear, +In all the various colours seen +Of red and yellow, blue and green. + With half a word when you require, +The man of business must retire. + The haughty minister of state, +With trembling must thy leisure wait; +And, while his fate is in thy hands, +The business of the nation stands. + Thou darest the greatest prince attack, +Canst hourly set him on the rack; +And, as an instance of thy power, +Enclose him in a wooden tower, +With pungent pains on every side: +So Regulus[5] in torments died. + From thee our youth all virtues learn, +Dangers with prudence to discern; +And well thy scholars are endued +With temperance and with fortitude, +With patience, which all ills supports, +And secrecy, the art of courts. + The glittering beau could hardly tell, +Without your aid, to read or spell; +But, having long conversed with you, +Knows how to scroll a billet-doux. + With what delight, methinks, I trace +Your blood in every noble race! +In whom thy features, shape, and mien, +Are to the life distinctly seen! +The Britons, once a savage kind, +By you were brighten'd and refined, +Descendants to the barbarous Huns, +With limbs robust, and voice that stuns: +But you have moulded them afresh, +Removed the tough superfluous flesh, +Taught them to modulate their tongues, +And speak without the help of lungs. + Proteus on you bestow'd the boon +To change your visage like the moon; +You sometimes half a face produce, +Keep t'other half for private use. + How famed thy conduct in the fight +With Hermes, son of Pleias bright! +Outnumber'd, half encompass'd round, +You strove for every inch of ground; +Then, by a soldierly retreat, +Retired to your imperial seat. +The victor, when your steps he traced, +Found all the realms before him waste: +You, o'er the high triumphal arch +Pontific, made your glorious march: +The wondrous arch behind you fell, +And left a chasm profound as hell: +You, in your capitol secured, +A siege as long as Troy endured. + + +[Footnote 1: Naples, anciently called Parthenope, from the name of the +siren who threw herself into the sea for grief at the departure of +Ulysses, and was cast up and buried there.--Ovid, "Met.," xiv, +101.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Americus Vespuccius, the discoverer of America in 1497. See +Hakluyts "Navigations, Voyages, etc.," vii, 161; viii, 449.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: See Lucretius, "De Rer. Nat.," lib. i.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Bubo, the owl.--_Dublin Edition_.] + +[Footnote 5: Taken prisoner by the Carthaginians in the first Punic war, +and ultimately tortured to death. See the story in Cicero, "De Officiis," +i, 13; Hor., "Carm.," iii, 5.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +ON A PEN. 1724 + +In youth exalted high in air, +Or bathing in the waters fair, +Nature to form me took delight, +And clad my body all in white. +My person tall, and slender waist, +On either side with fringes graced; +Till me that tyrant man espied, +And dragg'd me from my mother's side: +No wonder now I look so thin; +The tyrant stript me to the skin: +My skin he flay'd, my hair he cropt: +At head and foot my body lopt: +And then, with heart more hard than stone, +He pick'd my marrow from the bone. +To vex me more, he took a freak +To slit my tongue and make me speak: +But, that which wonderful appears, +I speak to eyes, and not to ears. +He oft employs me in disguise, +And makes me tell a thousand lies: +To me he chiefly gives in trust +To please his malice or his lust. +From me no secret he can hide; +I see his vanity and pride: +And my delight is to expose +His follies to his greatest foes. +All languages I can command, +Yet not a word I understand. +Without my aid, the best divine +In learning would not know a line: +The lawyer must forget his pleading; +The scholar could not show his reading. + Nay; man my master is my slave; +I give command to kill or save, +Can grant ten thousand pounds a-year, +And make a beggar's brat a peer. + But, while I thus my life relate, +I only hasten on my fate. +My tongue is black, my mouth is furr'd, +I hardly now can force a word. +I die unpitied and forgot, +And on some dunghill left to rot. + + + + +ON GOLD + +All-ruling tyrant of the earth, +To vilest slaves I owe my birth, +How is the greatest monarch blest, +When in my gaudy livery drest! +No haughty nymph has power to run +From me; or my embraces shun. +Stabb'd to the heart, condemn'd to flame, +My constancy is still the same. +The favourite messenger of Jove, +And Lemnian god, consulting strove +To make me glorious to the sight +Of mortals, and the gods' delight. +Soon would their altar's flame expire +If I refused to lend them fire. + + By fate exalted high in place, + Lo, here I stand with double face: + Superior none on earth I find; + But see below me all mankind + Yet, as it oft attends the great, + I almost sink with my own weight. + +At every motion undertook, +The vulgar all consult my look. +I sometimes give advice in writing, +But never of my own inditing. + I am a courtier in my way; +For those who raised me, I betray; +And some give out that I entice +To lust, to luxury, and dice. +Who punishments on me inflict, +Because they find their pockets pickt. + By riding post, I lose my health, +And only to get others wealth. + + + + +ON THE POSTERIORS + +Because I am by nature blind, +I wisely choose to walk behind; +However, to avoid disgrace, +I let no creature see my face. +My words are few, but spoke with sense; +And yet my speaking gives offence: +Or, if to whisper I presume, +The company will fly the room. +By all the world I am opprest: +And my oppression gives them rest. + Through me, though sore against my will, +Instructors every art instil. +By thousands I am sold and bought, +Who neither get nor lose a groat; +For none, alas! by me can gain, +But those who give me greatest pain. +Shall man presume to be my master, +Who's but my caterer and taster? +Yet, though I always have my will, +I'm but a mere depender still: +An humble hanger-on at best; +Of whom all people make a jest. + In me detractors seek to find +Two vices of a different kind; +I'm too profuse, some censurers cry, +And all I get, I let it fly; +While others give me many a curse, +Because too close I hold my purse. +But this I know, in either case, +They dare not charge me to my face. +'Tis true, indeed, sometimes I save, +Sometimes run out of all I have; +But, when the year is at an end, +Computing what I get and spend, +My goings-out, and comings-in, +I cannot find I lose or win; +And therefore all that know me say, +I justly keep the middle way. +I'm always by my betters led; +I last get up, and first a-bed; +Though, if I rise before my time, +The learn'd in sciences sublime +Consult the stars, and thence foretell +Good luck to those with whom I dwell. + + + + +ON A HORN + +The joy of man, the pride of brutes, +Domestic subject for disputes, +Of plenty thou the emblem fair, +Adorn'd by nymphs with all their care! +I saw thee raised to high renown, +Supporting half the British crown; +And often have I seen thee grace +The chaste Diana's infant face; +And whensoe'er you please to shine, +Less useful is her light than thine: +Thy numerous fingers know their way, +And oft in Celia's tresses play. + To place thee in another view, +I'll show the world strange things and true; +What lords and dames of high degree +May justly claim their birth from thee! +The soul of man with spleen you vex; +Of spleen you cure the female sex. +Thee for a gift the courtier sends +With pleasure to his special friends: +He gives, and with a generous pride, +Contrives all means the gift to hide: +Nor oft can the receiver know, +Whether he has the gift or no. +On airy wings you take your flight, +And fly unseen both day and night; +Conceal your form with various tricks; +And few know how or where you fix: +Yet some, who ne'er bestow'd thee, boast +That they to others give thee most. +Meantime, the wise a question start, +If thou a real being art; +Or but a creature of the brain, +That gives imaginary pain? +But the sly giver better knows thee; +Who feels true joys when he bestows thee. + + + + +ON A CORKSCREW + +Though I, alas! a prisoner be, +My trade is prisoners to set free. +No slave his lord's commands obeys +With such insinuating ways. +My genius piercing, sharp, and bright, +Wherein the men of wit delight. +The clergy keep me for their ease, +And turn and wind me as they please. +A new and wondrous art I show +Of raising spirits from below; +In scarlet some, and some in white; +They rise, walk round, yet never fright. +In at each mouth the spirits pass, +Distinctly seen as through a glass: +O'er head and body make a rout, +And drive at last all secrets out; +And still, the more I show my art, +The more they open every heart. + A greater chemist none than I +Who, from materials hard and dry, +Have taught men to extract with skill +More precious juice than from a still. + Although I'm often out of case, +I'm not ashamed to show my face. +Though at the tables of the great +I near the sideboard take my seat; +Yet the plain 'squire, when dinner's done, +Is never pleased till I make one; +He kindly bids me near him stand, +And often takes me by the hand. + I twice a-day a-hunting go; +Nor ever fail to seize my foe; +And when I have him by the poll, +I drag him upwards from his hole; +Though some are of so stubborn kind, +I'm forced to leave a limb behind. + I hourly wait some fatal end; +For I can break, but scorn to bend. + + + + +THE GULF OF ALL HUMAN POSSESSIONS 1724 + + +Come hither, and behold the fruits, +Vain man! of all thy vain pursuits. +Take wise advice, and look behind, +Bring all past actions to thy mind. +Here you may see, as in a glass, +How soon all human pleasures pass; +How will it mortify thy pride, +To turn the true impartial side! +How will your eyes contain their tears, +When all the sad reverse appears! + This cave within its womb confines +The last result of all designs: +Here lie deposited the spoils +Of busy mortals' endless toils: +Here, with an easy search, we find +The foul corruptions of mankind. +The wretched purchase here behold +Of traitors, who their country sold. + This gulf insatiate imbibes +The lawyer's fees, the statesman's bribes. +Here, in their proper shape and mien, +Fraud, perjury, and guilt are seen. +Necessity, the tyrant's law, +All human race must hither draw; +All prompted by the same desire, +The vigorous youth and aged sire. +Behold the coward and the brave, +The haughty prince, the humble slave, +Physician, lawyer, and divine, +All make oblations at this shrine. +Some enter boldly, some by stealth, +And leave behind their fruitless wealth. +For, while the bashful sylvan maid, +As half-ashamed and half-afraid, +Approaching finds it hard to part +With that which dwelt so near her heart; +The courtly dame, unmoved by fear, +Profusely pours her offering here. + A treasure here of learning lurks, +Huge heaps of never-dying works; +Labours of many an ancient sage, +And millions of the present age. + In at this gulf all offerings pass +And lie an undistinguish'd mass. +Deucalion,[1] to restore mankind, +Was bid to throw the stones behind; +So those who here their gifts convey +Are forced to look another way; +For few, a chosen few, must know +The mysteries that lie below. + Sad charnel-house! a dismal dome, +For which all mortals leave their home! +The young, the beautiful, and brave, +Here buried in one common grave! +Where each supply of dead renews +Unwholesome damps, offensive dews: +And lo! the writing on the walls +Points out where each new victim falls; +The food of worms and beasts obscene, +Who round the vault luxuriant reign. + See where those mangled corpses lie, +Condemn'd by female hands to die; +A comely dame once clad in white, +Lies there consign'd to endless night; +By cruel hands her blood was spilt, +And yet her wealth was all her guilt. + And here six virgins in a tomb, +All-beauteous offspring of one womb, +Oft in the train of Venus seen, +As fair and lovely as their queen; +In royal garments each was drest, +Each with a gold and purple vest; +I saw them of their garments stript, +Their throats were cut, their bellies ript, +Twice were they buried, twice were born, +Twice from their sepulchres were torn; +But now dismember'd here are cast, +And find a resting-place at last. + Here oft the curious traveller finds +The combat of opposing winds; +And seeks to learn the secret cause, +Which alien seems from nature's laws; +Why at this cave's tremendous mouth, +He feels at once both north and south; +Whether the winds, in caverns pent, +Through clefts oppugnant force a vent; +Or whether, opening all his stores, +Fierce AEolus in tempest roars. + Yet, from this mingled mass of things, +In time a new creation springs. +These crude materials once shall rise +To fill the earth, and air, and skies; +In various forms appear again, +Of vegetables, brutes, and men. +So Jove pronounced among the gods, +Olympus trembling as he nods. + + +[Footnote 1: Ovid, "Metam.," i, 383.] + + + + +LOUISA[1] TO STREPHON. 1724 + + +Ah! Strephon, how can you despise +Her, who without thy pity dies! +To Strephon I have still been true, +And of as noble blood as you; +Fair issue of the genial bed, +A virgin in thy bosom bred: +Embraced thee closer than a wife; +When thee I leave, I leave my life. +Why should my shepherd take amiss, +That oft I wake thee with a kiss? +Yet you of every kiss complain; +Ah! is not love a pleasing pain? +A pain which every happy night +You cure with ease and with delight; +With pleasure, as the poet sings, +Too great for mortals less than kings. + Chloe, when on thy breast I lie, +Observes me with revengeful eye: +If Chloe o'er thy heart prevails, +She'll tear me with her desperate nails; +And with relentless hands destroy +The tender pledges of our joy. +Nor have I bred a spurious race; +They all were born from thy embrace. + Consider, Strephon, what you do; +For, should I die for love of you, +I'll haunt thy dreams, a bloodless ghost; +And all my kin, (a numerous host,) +Who down direct our lineage bring +From victors o'er the Memphian king; +Renown'd in sieges and campaigns, +Who never fled the bloody plains: +Who in tempestuous seas can sport, +And scorn the pleasures of a court; +From whom great Sylla[2] found his doom, +Who scourged to death that scourge of Rome, +Shall on thee take a vengeance dire; +Thou like Alcides[3] shalt expire, +When his envenom'd shirt he wore, +And skin and flesh in pieces tore. +Nor less that shirt, my rival's gift, +Cut from the piece that made her shift, +Shall in thy dearest blood be dyed, +And make thee tear thy tainted hide. + +[Footnote 1: The solution is, _phtheirhiasis_ morbus pedicularis. With +this piece may be read Peter Pindar's epic, "The Lousiad."--W. E. B_.] + +[Footnote 2: Plutarch tells how Sylla's body was so corrupted with these +vermin, that they streamed from him into every place: _pasan estheta kai +loutron kai aponimma kai sition anapimplasthai tou reumatos ekeinon kai +tes phthoras. tosouton exenthei._ "Vita Syllae," xxxvi.--_W. E. B._] + + +[Footnote 3: Hercules, who died from wearing the shirt (given him by his +wife as a charm against his infidelities) stained with the blood of +Nessus, the centaur, whom Hercules had slain with a poisoned arrow. Ovid, +"Epist. Heroid. Deianira Herculi," and "Metam.," lib. ix, +101.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +A MAYPOLE. 1725 + +Deprived of root, and branch and rind, +Yet flowers I bear of every kind: +And such is my prolific power, +They bloom in less than half an hour; +Yet standers-by may plainly see +They get no nourishment from me. +My head with giddiness goes round, +And yet I firmly stand my ground: +All over naked I am seen, +And painted like an Indian queen. +No couple-beggar in the land +E'er join'd such numbers hand in hand. +I join'd them fairly with a ring; +Nor can our parson blame the thing. +And though no marriage words are spoke, +They part not till the ring is broke; +Yet hypocrite fanatics cry, +I'm but an idol raised on high; +And once a weaver in our town, +A damn'd Cromwellian, knock'd me down. +I lay a prisoner twenty years, +And then the jovial cavaliers +To their old post restored all three-- +I mean the church, the king, and me. + + +ON THE MOON + +I with borrow'd silver shine +What you see is none of mine. +First I show you but a quarter, +Like the bow that guards the Tartar: +Then the half, and then the whole, +Ever dancing round the pole. + +What will raise your admiration, +I am not one of God's creation, +But sprung, (and I this truth maintain,) +Like Pallas, from my father's brain. +And after all, I chiefly owe +My beauty to the shades below. +Most wondrous forms you see me wear, +A man, a woman, lion, bear, +A fish, a fowl, a cloud, a field, +All figures Heaven or earth can yield; +Like Daphne sometimes in a tree; +Yet am not one of all you see. + + + + +ON A CIRCLE + +I'm up and down, and round about, +Yet all the world can't find me out; +Though hundreds have employ'd their leisure, +They never yet could find my measure. +I'm found almost in every garden, +Nay, in the compass of a farthing. +There's neither chariot, coach, nor mill, +Can move an inch except I will. + + + + +ON INK + +I am jet black, as you may see, + The son of pitch and gloomy night: +Yet all that know me will agree, + I'm dead except I live in light. + +Sometimes in panegyric high, + Like lofty Pindar, I can soar; +And raise a virgin to the sky, + Or sink her to a pocky whore. + +My blood this day is very sweet, + To-morrow of a bitter juice; +Like milk, 'tis cried about the street, + And so applied to different use. + +Most wondrous is my magic power: + For with one colour I can paint; +I'll make the devil a saint this hour, + Next make a devil of a saint. + +Through distant regions I can fly, + Provide me but with paper wings; +And fairly show a reason why + There should be quarrels among kings: + +And, after all, you'll think it odd, + When learned doctors will dispute, +That I should point the word of God, + And show where they can best confute. + +Let lawyers bawl and strain their throats: + 'Tis I that must the lands convey, +And strip their clients to their coats; + Nay, give their very souls away. + + + + +ON THE FIVE SENSES + +All of us in one you'll find, Brethren of a wondrous kind; +Yet among us all no brother +Knows one tittle of the other; +We in frequent councils are, +And our marks of things declare, +Where, to us unknown, a clerk +Sits, and takes them in the dark. +He's the register of all +In our ken, both great and small; +By us forms his laws and rules, +He's our master, we his tools; +Yet we can with greatest ease +Turn and wind him where we please. + One of us alone can sleep, +Yet no watch the rest will keep, +But the moment that he closes, +Every brother else reposes. +If wine's brought or victuals drest, +One enjoys them for the rest. + Pierce us all with wounding steel, +One for all of us will feel. + Though ten thousand cannons roar, +Add to them ten thousand more, +Yet but one of us is found +Who regards the dreadful sound. + Do what is not fit to tell, +There's but one of us can smell. + + + + +FONTINELLA[1] TO FLORINDA + +When on my bosom thy bright eyes, + Florinda, dart their heavenly beams, +I feel not the least love surprise, + Yet endless tears flow down in streams; +There's nought so beautiful in thee, + But you may find the same in me. + +The lilies of thy skin compare; + In me you see them full as white: +The roses of your cheeks, I dare + Affirm, can't glow to more delight. +Then, since I show as fine a face, + Can you refuse a soft embrace? + +Ah! lovely nymph, thou'rt in thy prime! + And so am I, while thou art here; +But soon will come the fatal time, + When all we see shall disappear. +'Tis mine to make a just reflection, + And yours to follow my direction. + +Then catch admirers while you may; + Treat not your lovers with disdain; +For time with beauty flies away, + And there is no return again. +To you the sad account I bring, + Life's autumn has no second spring. + +[Footnote 1: A fountain.] + + + + +AN ECHO + +Never sleeping, still awake, +Pleasing most when most I speak; +The delight of old and young, +Though I speak without a tongue. +Nought but one thing can confound me, +Many voices joining round me; +Then I fret, and rave, and gabble, +Like the labourers of Babel. +Now I am a dog, or cow, +I can bark, or I can low; +I can bleat, or I can sing, +Like the warblers of the spring. +Let the lovesick bard complain, +And I mourn the cruel pain; +Let the happy swain rejoice, +And I join my helping voice: +Both are welcome, grief or joy, +I with either sport and toy. +Though a lady, I am stout, +Drums and trumpets bring me out: +Then I clash, and roar, and rattle, +Join in all the din of battle. +Jove, with all his loudest thunder, +When I'm vext, can't keep me under; +Yet so tender is my ear, +That the lowest voice I fear; +Much I dread the courtier's fate, +When his merit's out of date, +For I hate a silent breath, +And a whisper is my death. + + + + +ON A SHADOW IN A GLASS; + +By something form'd, I nothing am, +Yet everything that you can name; +In no place have I ever been, +Yet everywhere I may be seen; +In all things false, yet always true, +I'm still the same--but ever new. +Lifeless, life's perfect form I wear, +Can show a nose, eye, tongue, or ear, +Yet neither smell, see, taste, or hear. +All shapes and features I can boast, +No flesh, no bones, no blood--no ghost: +All colours, without paint, put on, +And change like the cameleon. +Swiftly I come, and enter there, +Where not a chink lets in the air; +Like thought, I'm in a moment gone, +Nor can I ever be alone: +All things on earth I imitate +Faster than nature can create; +Sometimes imperial robes I wear, +Anon in beggar's rags appear; +A giant now, and straight an elf, +I'm every one, but ne'er myself; +Ne'er sad I mourn, ne'er glad rejoice, +I move my lips, but want a voice; +I ne'er was born, nor e'er can die, +Then, pr'ythee, tell me what am I? + +Most things by me do rise and fall, +And, as I please, they're great and small; +Invading foes without resistance, +With ease I make to keep their distance: +Again, as I'm disposed, the foe +Will come, though not a foot they go. +Both mountains, woods, and hills, and rocks +And gamesome goats, and fleecy flocks, +And lowing herds, and piping swains, +Come dancing to me o'er the plains. +The greatest whale that swims the sea +Does instantly my power obey. +In vain from me the sailor flies, +The quickest ship I can surprise, +And turn it as I have a mind, +And move it against tide and wind. +Nay, bring me here the tallest man, +I'll squeeze him to a little span; +Or bring a tender child, and pliant, +You'll see me stretch him to a giant: +Nor shall they in the least complain, +Because my magic gives no pain. + + + + +ON TIME + +Ever eating, never cloying, +All-devouring, all-destroying, +Never finding full repast, +Till I eat the world at last. + + +ON THE GALLOWS + +There is a gate, we know full well, +That stands 'twixt Heaven, and Earth, and Hell, +Where many for a passage venture, +Yet very few are fond to enter: +Although 'tis open night and day, +They for that reason shun this way: +Both dukes and lords abhor its wood, +They can't come near it for their blood. +What other way they take to go, +Another time I'll let you know. +Yet commoners with greatest ease +Can find an entrance when they please. +The poorest hither march in state +(Or they can never pass the gate) +Like Roman generals triumphant, +And then they take a turn and jump on't, +If gravest parsons here advance, +They cannot pass before they dance; +There's not a soul that does resort here, +But strips himself to pay the porter. + + + + +ON THE VOWELS + +We are little airy creatures, +All of different voice and features; +One of us in glass is set, +One of us you'll find in jet. +T'other you may see in tin, +And the fourth a box within. +If the fifth you should pursue, +It can never fly from you. + + + + +ON SNOW + +From Heaven I fall, though from earth I begin, +No lady alive can show such a skin. +I'm bright as an angel, and light as a feather, +But heavy and dark, when you squeeze me together. +Though candour and truth in my aspect I bear, +Yet many poor creatures I help to ensnare. +Though so much of Heaven appears in my make, +The foulest impressions I easily take. +My parent and I produce one another, +The mother the daughter, the daughter the mother. + + + + +ON A CANNON + +Begotten, and born, and dying with noise, +The terror of women, and pleasure of boys, +Like the fiction of poets concerning the wind, +I'm chiefly unruly when strongest confined. +For silver and gold I don't trouble my head, +But all I delight in is pieces of lead; +Except when I trade with a ship or a town, +Why then I make pieces of iron go down. +One property more I would have you remark, +No lady was ever more fond of a spark; +The moment I get one, my soul's all a-fire, +And I roar out my joy, and in transport expire. + + + + +ON A PAIR OF DICE + +We are little brethren twain, +Arbiters of loss and gain, +Many to our counters run, +Some are made, and some undone: +But men find it to their cost, +Few are made, but numbers lost. +Though we play them tricks for ever, +Yet they always hope our favour. + + + + +ON A CANDLE + +TO LADY CARTERET + +Of all inhabitants on earth, +To man alone I owe my birth, +And yet the cow, the sheep, the bee, +Are all my parents more than he: +I, a virtue, strange and rare, +Make the fairest look more fair, +And myself, which yet is rarer, +Growing old, grow still the fairer. +Like sots, alone I'm dull enough, +When dosed with smoke, and smear'd with snuff; +But, in the midst of mirth and wine, +I with double lustre shine. +Emblem of the Fair am I, +Polish'd neck, and radiant eye; +In my eye my greatest grace, +Emblem of the Cyclops' race; +Metals I like them subdue, +Slave like them to Vulcan too; +Emblem of a monarch old, +Wise, and glorious to behold; +Wasted he appears, and pale, +Watching for the public weal: +Emblem of the bashful dame, +That in secret feeds her flame, +Often aiding to impart +All the secrets of her heart; +Various is my bulk and hue, +Big like Bess, and small like Sue: +Now brown and burnish'd like a nut, +At other times a very slut; +Often fair, and soft, and tender, +Taper, tall, and smooth, and slender: +Like Flora, deck'd with various flowers, +Like Phoebus, guardian of the hours: +But whatever be my dress, +Greater be my size or less, +Swelling be my shape or small, +Like thyself I shine in all. +Clouded if my face is seen, +My complexion wan and green, +Languid like a love-sick maid, +Steel affords me present aid. +Soon or late, my date is done, +As my thread of life is spun; +Yet to cut the fatal thread +Oft revives my drooping head; +Yet I perish in my prime, +Seldom by the death of time; +Die like lovers as they gaze, +Die for those I live to please; +Pine unpitied to my urn, +Nor warm the fair for whom I burn: +Unpitied, unlamented too, +Die like all that look on you. + + + + +TO LADY CARTERET + +BY DR. DELANY + +I reach all things near me, and far off to boot, +Without stretching a finger, or stirring a foot; +I take them all in too, to add to your wonder, +Though many and various, and large and asunder, +Without jostling or crowding they pass side by side, +Through a wonderful wicket, not half an inch wide; +Then I lodge them at ease in a very large store, +Of no breadth or length, with a thousand things more. +All this I can do without witchcraft or charm, +Though sometimes they say, I bewitch and do harm; +Though cold, I inflame; and though quiet, invade: +And nothing can shield from my spell but a shade. +A thief that has robb'd you, or done you disgrace, +In magical mirror, I'll show you his face: +Nay, if you'll believe what the poets have said, +They'll tell you I kill, and can call back the dead. +Like conjurers safe in my circle I dwell; +I love to look black too, it heightens my spell; +Though my magic is mighty in every hue, +Who see all my power must see it in you. + + + + +ANSWERED BY DR. SWIFT + +WITH half an eye your riddle I spy, +I observe your wicket hemm'd in by a thicket, +And whatever passes is strain'd through glasses. +You say it is quiet: I flatly deny it. +It wanders about, without stirring out; +No passion so weak but gives it a tweak; +Love, joy, and devotion, set it always in motion. +And as for trie tragic effects of its magic, +Which you say it can kill, or revive at its will, +The dead are all sound, and they live above ground: +After all you have writ, it cannot be wit; +Which plainly does follow, since it flies from Apollo. +Its cowardice such it cries at a touch; +'Tis a perfect milksop, grows drunk with a drop, +Another great fault, it cannot bear salt: +And a hair can disarm it of every charm. + + + + +TO LADY CARTERET + +BY DR. SWIFT + +FROM India's burning clime I'm brought, +With cooling gales like zephyrs fraught. +Not Iris, when she paints the sky, +Can show more different hues than I; +Nor can she change her form so fast, +I'm now a sail, and now a mast. +I here am red, and there am green, +A beggar there, and here a queen. +I sometimes live in house of hair, +And oft in hand of lady fair. +I please the young, I grace the old, +And am at once both hot and cold. +Say what I am then, if you can, +And find the rhyme, and you're the man. + + + + +ANSWERED BY DR. SHERIDAN + +Your house of hair, and lady's hand, +At first did put me to a stand. +I have it now--'tis plain enough-- +Your hairy business is a muff. +Your engine fraught with cooling gales, +At once so like your masts and sails; +Your thing of various shape and hue +Must be some painted toy, I knew; +And for the rhyme to you're the man, +What fits it better than a fan? + + + + +A RIDDLE + +I'm wealthy and poor, +I'm empty and full, +I'm humble and proud, +I'm witty and dull. +I'm foul and yet fair: +I'm old, and yet young; +I lie with Moll Kerr, +And toast Mrs. Long. + + + + +ANSWER, BY MR. F----R + +In rigging he's rich, though in pocket he's poor, +He cringes to courtiers, and cocks to the cits; +Like twenty he dresses, but looks like threescore; +He's a wit to the fools, and a fool to the wits. +Of wisdom he's empty, but full of conceit; +He paints and perfumes while he rots with the scab; +'Tis a beau you may swear by his sense and his gait; +He boasts of a beauty and lies with a drab. + + + + +A LETTER TO DR. HELSHAM + +SIR, + Pray discruciate what follows. + +The dullest beast, and gentleman's liquor, +When young is often due to the vicar,[1] + +The dullest of beasts, and swine's delight, +Make up a bird very swift of flight.[2] + +The dullest beast, when high in stature, +And another of royal nature, +For breeding is a useful creature.[3] + +The dullest beast, and a party distress'd, +When too long, is bad at best.[4] + +The dullest beast, and the saddle it wears, +Is good for partridge, not for hares.[5] + +The dullest beast, and kind voice of a cat, +Will make a horse go, though he be not fat.[6] + +The dullest of beasts and of birds in the air, +Is that by which all Irishmen swear.[7] + +The dullest beast, and famed college for Teagues, +Is a person very unfit for intrigues.[8] + +The dullest beast, and a cobbler's tool, +With a boy that is only fit for school, +In summer is very pleasant and cool.[9] + +The dullest beast, and that which you kiss, +May break a limb of master or miss.[10] + +Of serpent kind, and what at distance kills, +Poor mistress Dingley oft hath felt its bills.[11] + +The dullest beast, and eggs unsound, +Without it I rather would walk on the ground.[12] + +The dullest beast, and what covers a house, +Without it a writer is not worth a louse.[13] + +The dullest beast, and scandalous vermin, +Of roast or boil'd, to the hungry is charming.[14] + +The dullest beast, and what's cover'd with crust, +There's nobody but a fool that would trust.[15] + +The dullest beast, and mending highways, +Is to a horse an evil disease.[16] + +The dullest beast, and a hole in the ground, +Will dress a dinner worth five pound.[17] + +The dullest beast, and what doctors pretend, +The cook-maid often has by the end.[18] + +The dullest beast, and fish for lent, +May give you a blow you'll for ever repent.[19] + +The dullest beast, and a shameful jeer, +Without it a lady should never appear.[20] + +_Wednesday Night_. + +I writ all these before I went to bed. Pray explain them for me, because +I cannot do it. + + +[Footnote 1: A swine.] +[Footnote 2: A swallow.] +[Footnote 3: A stallion.] +[Footnote 4: A sail.] +[Footnote 5: A spaniel.] +[Footnote 6: A spur.] +[Footnote 7: A soul.] +[Footnote 8: A sloven.] +[Footnote 9: A sallad.] +[Footnote 10: A slip.] +[Footnote 11: A sparrow.] +[Footnote 12: A saddle.] +[Footnote 13: A style.] +[Footnote 14: A slice.] +[Footnote 15: A spy.] +[Footnote 16: A spavin.] +[Footnote 17: A spit.] +[Footnote 18: A skewer.] +[Footnote 19: Assault.] +[Footnote 20: A smock.] + + + + +PROBATUR ALITER + +A long-ear'd beast, and a field-house for cattle, +Among the coals doth often rattle.[1] + +A long-ear'd beast, a bird that prates, +The bridegrooms' first gift to their mates, +Is by all pious Christians thought, +In clergymen the greatest fault.[2] + +A long-ear'd beast, and woman of Endor, +If your wife be a scold, that will mend her.[3] + +With a long-ear'd beast, and medicine's use, +Cooks make their fowl look tight and spruce.[4] + +A long-ear'd beast, and holy fable, +Strengthens the shoes of half the rabble.[5] + +A long-ear'd beast, and Rhenish wine, +Lies in the lap of ladies fine.[6] + +A long-ear'd beast, and Flanders College, +Is Dr. T----l, to my knowledge.[7] + +A long-ear'd beast, and building knight, +Censorious people do in spite.[8] + +A long-ear'd beast, and bird of night, +We sinners art too apt to slight.[9] + +A long-ear'd beast, and shameful vermin, +A judge will eat, though clad in ermine.[10] + +A long-ear'd beast, and Irish cart, +Can leave a mark, and give a smart.[11] + +A long-ear'd beast, in mud to lie, +No bird in air so swift can fly.[12] + +A long-ear'd beast, and a sputt'ring old Whig, +I wish he were in it, and dancing a jig.[13] + +A long-ear'd beast, and liquor to write, +Is a damnable smell both morning and night.[14] + +A long-ear'd beast, and the child of a sheep, +At Whist they will make a desperate sweep.[15] + +A beast long-ear'd, and till midnight you stay, +Will cover a house much better than clay.[16] + +A long-ear'd beast, and the drink you love best, +You call him a sloven in earnest for jest.[17] + +A long-ear'd beast, and the sixteenth letter, +I'd not look at all unless I look'd better.[18] + +A long-ear'd beast give me, and eggs unsound, +Or else I will not ride one inch of ground.[19] + +A long-ear'd beast, another name for jeer, +To ladies' skins there nothing comes so near.[20] + +A long-ear'd beast, and kind noise of a cat, +Is useful in journeys, take notice of that.[21] + +A long-ear'd beast, and what seasons your beef, +On such an occasion the law gives relief.[22] + +A long-ear'd beast, a thing that force must drive in, +Bears up his house, that's of his own contriving.[23] + +[Footnote 1: A shovel.] +[Footnote 2: Aspiring.] +[Footnote 3: A switch.] +[Footnote 4: A skewer.] +[Footnote 5: A sparable; a small nail in a shoe.] +[Footnote 6: A shock.] +[Footnote 7: A sloven.] +[Footnote 8: Asperse. (Pearce was an architect, who built the +Parliament-House, Dublin.)] +[Footnote 9: A soul.] +[Footnote 10: A slice.] +[Footnote 11: A scar.] +[Footnote 12: A swallow.] +[Footnote 13: A sty.] +[Footnote 14: A sink.] +[Footnote 15: A slam.] +[Footnote 16: A slate.] +[Footnote 17: A swine.] +[Footnote 18: Askew.] +[Footnote 19: A saddle.] +[Footnote 20: A smock.] +[Footnote 21: A spur.] +[Footnote 22: Assault.] +[Footnote 23: A snail.] + + + + +POEMS COMPOSED AT MARKET HILL + + +ON CUTTING DOWN THE THORN AT MARKET-HILL.[1] 1727 + + +At Market-Hill, as well appears + By chronicle of ancient date, +There stood for many hundred years + A spacious thorn before the gate. + +Hither came every village maid, + And on the boughs her garland hung, +And here, beneath the spreading shade, + Secure from satyrs sat and sung. + +Sir Archibald,[2] that valorous knight. + The lord of all the fruitful plain, +Would come to listen with delight, + For he was fond of rural strain. + +(Sir Archibald, whose favourite name + Shall stand for ages on record, +By Scottish bards of highest fame, + Wise Hawthornden and Stirling's lord.[3]) + +But time with iron teeth, I ween, + Has canker'd all its branches round; +No fruit or blossom to be seen, + Its head reclining toward the ground. + +This aged, sickly, sapless thorn, + Which must, alas! no longer stand, +Behold the cruel Dean in scorn + Cuts down with sacrilegious hand. + +Dame Nature, when she saw the blow, + Astonish'd gave a dreadful shriek; +And mother Tellus trembled so, + She scarce recover'd in a week. + +The Sylvan powers, with fear perplex'd, + In prudence and compassion sent +(For none could tell whose turn was next) + Sad omens of the dire event. + +The magpie, lighting on the stock, + Stood chattering with incessant din: +And with her beak gave many a knock, + To rouse and warn the nymph within. + +The owl foresaw, in pensive mood, + The ruin of her ancient seat; +And fled in haste, with all her brood, + To seek a more secure retreat. + +Last trotted forth the gentle swine, + To ease her itch against the stump, +And dismally was heard to whine, + All as she scrubb'd her meazly rump. + +The nymph who dwells in every tree, + (If all be true that poets chant,) +Condemn'd by Fate's supreme decree, + Must die with her expiring plant. + +Thus, when the gentle Spina found + The thorn committed to her care, +Received its last and deadly wound, + She fled, and vanish'd into air. + +But from the root a dismal groan + First issuing struck the murderer's ears: +And, in a shrill revengeful tone, + This prophecy he trembling hears: + +"Thou chief contriver of my fall, + Relentless Dean, to mischief born; +My kindred oft thine hide shall gall, + Thy gown and cassock oft be torn. + +"And thy confederate dame, who brags + That she condemn'd me to the fire, +Shall rend her petticoats to rags, + And wound her legs with every brier. + +"Nor thou, Lord Arthur,[4] shall escape; + To thee I often call'd in vain, +Against that assassin in crape; + Yet thou couldst tamely see me slain: + +"Nor, when I felt the dreadful blow, + Or chid the Dean, or pinch'd thy spouse; +Since you could see me treated so, + (An old retainer to your house:) + +"May that fell Dean, by whose command + Was form'd this Machiavelian plot, +Not leave a thistle on thy land; + Then who will own thee for a Scot? + +"Pigs and fanatics, cows and teagues, + Through all my empire I foresee, +To tear thy hedges join in leagues, + Sworn to revenge my thorn and me. + +"And thou, the wretch ordain'd by fate, + Neal Gahagan, Hibernian clown, +With hatchet blunter than thy pate, +To hack my hallow'd timber down; + +"When thou, suspended high in air, + Diest on a more ignoble tree, +(For thou shall steal thy landlord's mare,) + Then, bloody caitiff! think on me." + + +[Footnote 1: A village near the seat of Sir Arthur Acheson, where the +Dean made a long visit. The tree, which was a remarkable one, was much +admired by the knight. Yet the Dean, in one of his unaccountable humours, +gave directions for cutting it down in the absence of Sir Arthur, who +was, of course, highly incensed. By way of making his peace, the Dean +wrote this poem; which had the desired effect.] + +[Footnote 2: Sir Archibald Acheson, secretary of state for Scotland.] + +[Footnote 3: Drummond of Hawthornden, and Sir William Alexander, Earl of +Stirling, who were both friends of Sir Archibald, and famous for their +poetry.] + +[Footnote 4: Sir Arthur Acheson.] + + + + +TO DEAN SWIFT +BY SIR ARTHUR ACHESON. 1728 + + +Good cause have I to sing and vapour, +For I am landlord to the Drapier: +He, that of every ear's the charmer, +Now condescends to be my farmer, +And grace my villa with his strains; +Lives such a bard on British plains? +No; not in all the British court; +For none but witlings there resort, +Whose names and works (though dead) are made +Immortal by the Dunciad; +And, sure as monument of brass, +Their fame to future times shall pass; +How, with a weakly warbling tongue, +Of brazen knight they vainly sung; +A subject for their genius fit; +He dares defy both sense and wit. +What dares he not? He can, we know it, +A laureat make that is no poet; +A judge, without the least pretence +To common law, or common sense; +A bishop that is no divine; +And coxcombs in red ribbons shine: +Nay, he can make, what's greater far, +A middle state 'twixt peace and war; +And say, there shall; for years together, +Be peace and war, and both, and neither. +Happy, O Market-Hill! at least, +That court and courtiers have no taste: +You never else had known the Dean, +But, as of old, obscurely lain; +All things gone on the same dull track, +And Drapier's-Hill been still Drumlack; +But now your name with Penshurst vies, +And wing'd with fame shall reach the skies. + + + + +DEAN SWIFT AT SIR ARTHUR ACHESON'S +IN THE NORTH OF IRELAND + +The Dean would visit Market-Hill, + Our invitation was but slight; +I said--"Why let him, if he will:" + And so I bade Sir Arthur write. + +His manners would not let him wait, + Lest we should think ourselves neglected, + And so we see him at our gate + Three days before he was expected, + +After a week, a month, a quarter, + And day succeeding after day, +Says not a word of his departure, + Though not a soul would have him stay. + +I've said enough to make him blush, + Methinks, or else the devil's in't; +But he cares not for it a rush, + Nor for my life will take the hint. + +But you, my dear, may let him know, + In civil language, if he stays, +How deep and foul the roads may grow, + And that he may command the chaise. + +Or you may say--"My wife intends, + Though I should be exceeding proud, +This winter to invite some friends, + And, sir, I know you hate a crowd." + +Or, "Mr. Dean--I should with joy + Beg you would here continue still, +But we must go to Aghnecloy;[1] + Or Mr. Moore will take it ill." + +The house accounts are daily rising; + So much his stay doth swell the bills: +My dearest life, it is surprising, + How much he eats, how much he swills. + +His brace of puppies how they stuff! + And they must have three meals a-day, +Yet never think they get enough; + His horses too eat all our hay. + +O! if I could, how I would maul + His tallow face and wainscot paws, +His beetle brows, and eyes of wall, + And make him soon give up the cause! + +Must I be every moment chid + With [2] _Skinnybonia, Snipe_, and _Lean?_ +O! that I could but once be rid + Of this insulting tyrant Dean! + +[Footnote 1: The seat of Acheson Moore, Esq., in the county of Tyrone.] + +[Footnote 2: The Dean used to call Lady Acheson by those names. See "My +Lady's Lamentation," next page.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +ON A VERY OLD GLASS AT MARKET-HILL + +Frail glass! thou mortal art as well as I; + Though none can tell which of us first shall die. + + +ANSWERED EXTEMPORE BY DR. SWIFT + +We both are mortal; but thou, frailer creature, + May'st die, like me, by chance, but not by nature. + + + + +EPITAPH +IN BERKELEY CHURCH-YARD, GLOUCESTERSHIRE + + +Here lies the Earl of Suffolk's fool, + Men call'd him Dicky Pearce; +His folly served to make folks laugh, + When wit and mirth were scarce. + +Poor Dick, alas! is dead and gone, + What signifies to cry? +Dickies enough are still behind, + To laugh at by and by. + +Buried, June 18, 1728, aged 63. + + + + +MY LADY'S[1] LAMENTATION AND COMPLAINT +AGAINST THE DEAN + +JULY 28, 1728 + +Sure never did man see +A wretch like poor Nancy, +So teazed day and night +By a Dean and a Knight. +To punish my sins, +Sir Arthur begins, +And gives me a wipe, +With Skinny and Snipe:[2], +His malice is plain, +Hallooing the Dean. + +The Dean never stops, +When he opens his chops; +I'm quite overrun +With rebus and pun. + Before he came here, +To spunge for good cheer, +I sat with delight, +From morning till night, +With two bony thumbs +Could rub my old gums, +Or scratching my nose +And jogging my toes; +But at present, forsooth, +I must not rub a tooth. +When my elbows he sees +Held up by my knees, +My arms, like two props, +Supporting my chops, +And just as I handle 'em +Moving all like a pendulum; +He trips up my props, +And down my chin drops +From my head to my heels, +Like a clock without wheels; +I sink in the spleen, +A useless machine. + If he had his will, +I should never sit still: +He comes with his whims +I must move my limbs; +I cannot be sweet +Without using my feet; +To lengthen my breath, +He tires me to death. +By the worst of all squires, +Thro' bogs and thro' briers, +Where a cow would be startled, +I'm in spite of my heart led; +And, say what I will, +Haul'd up every hill; +Till, daggled and tatter'd, +My spirits quite shatter'd, +I return home at night, +And fast, out of spite: +For I'd rather be dead, +Than it e'er should be said, +I was better for him, +In stomach or limb. + But now to my diet; +No eating in quiet, +He's still finding fault, +Too sour or too salt: +The wing of a chick +I hardly can pick: +But trash without measure +I swallow with pleasure. + Next, for his diversion, +He rails at my person. +What court breeding this is! +He takes me to pieces: +From shoulder to flank +I'm lean and am lank; +My nose, long and thin, +Grows down to my chin; +My chin will not stay, +But meets it halfway; +My fingers, prolix, +Are ten crooked sticks: +He swears my el--bows +Are two iron crows, +Or sharp pointed rocks, +And wear out my smocks: +To 'scape them, Sir Arthur +Is forced to lie farther, +Or his sides they would gore +Like the tusks of a boar. + Now changing the scene +But still to the Dean; +He loves to be bitter at +A lady illiterate; +If he sees her but once, +He'll swear she's a dunce; +Can tell by her looks +A hater of books; +Thro' each line of her face +Her folly can trace; +Which spoils every feature +Bestow'd her by nature; +But sense gives a grace +To the homeliest face: +Wise books and reflection +Will mend the complexion: +(A civil divine! +I suppose, meaning mine!) +No lady who wants them, +Can ever be handsome. + I guess well enough +What he means by this stuff: +He haws and he hums, +At last out it comes: +What, madam? No walking, +No reading, nor talking? +You're now in your prime, +Make use of your time. +Consider, before +You come to threescore, +How the hussies will fleer +Where'er you appear; +"That silly old puss +Would fain be like us: +What a figure she made +In her tarnish'd brocade!" + And then he grows mild: +Come, be a good child: +If you are inclined +To polish your mind, +Be adored by the men +Till threescore and ten, +And kill with the spleen +The jades of sixteen; +I'll show you the way; +Read six hours a-day. +The wits will frequent ye, +And think you but twenty. +[To make you learn faster, +I'll be your schoolmaster +And leave you to choose +The books you peruse.[3]] + Thus was I drawn in; +Forgive me my sin. +At breakfast he'll ask +An account of my task. +Put a word out of joint, +Or miss but a point, +He rages and frets, +His manners forgets; +And as I am serious, +Is very imperious. +No book for delight +Must come in my sight; +But, instead of new plays, +Dull Bacon's Essays, +And pore every day on +That nasty Pantheon.[4] +If I be not a drudge, +Let all the world judge. +'Twere better be blind, +Than thus be confined. + But while in an ill tone, +I murder poor Milton, +The Dean you will swear, +Is at study or prayer. +He's all the day sauntering, +With labourers bantering, +Among his colleagues, +A parcel of Teagues, +Whom he brings in among us +And bribes with mundungus. + [He little believes +How they laugh in their sleeves.] +Hail, fellow, well met, +All dirty and wet: +Find out, if you can, +Who's master, who's man; +Who makes the best figure, +The Dean or the digger; +And which is the best +At cracking a jest. +[Now see how he sits +Perplexing his wits +In search of a motto +To fix on his grotto.] +How proudly he talks +Of zigzags and walks, +And all the day raves +Of cradles and caves; +And boasts of his feats, +His grottos and seats; +Shows all his gewgaws, +And gapes for applause; +A fine occupation +For one in his station! +A hole where a rabbit +Would scorn to inhabit, +Dug out in an hour; +He calls it a bower. + But, O! how we laugh, +To see a wild calf +Come, driven by heat, +And foul the green seat; +Or run helter-skelter, +To his arbour for shelter, +Where all goes to ruin +The Dean has been doing: +The girls of the village +Come flocking for pillage, +Pull down the fine briers +And thorns to make fires; +But yet are so kind +To leave something behind: +No more need be said on't, +I smell when I tread on't. + Dear friend, Doctor Jinny. +If I could but win ye, +Or Walmsley or Whaley, +To come hither daily, +Since fortune, my foe, +Will needs have it so, +That I'm, by her frowns, +Condemn'd to black gowns; +No squire to be found +The neighbourhood round; +(For, under the rose, +I would rather choose those) +If your wives will permit ye, +Come here out of pity, +To ease a poor lady, +And beg her a play-day. +So may you be seen +No more in the spleen; +May Walmsley give wine +Like a hearty divine! +May Whaley disgrace +Dull Daniel's whey-face! +And may your three spouses +Let you lie at friends' houses! + + +[Footnote 1: Lady Acheson.] + +[Footnote 2: See _ante_, p.94 _W.--W. E. B_.] + +[Footnote 3: Added from the Dean's manuscript.] + +[Footnote 4: "The Pantheon," containing the mythological systems of the +Greeks and Romans, by Andrew Tooke, A.M., first published, 1713. The +little work became very popular. The copy I have is of the thirty-sixth +edition, with plates, 1831. It is still in demand, as it deserves to be. +Compare Leigh Hunt's remark on the illustrations to the "Pantheon," cited +by Mr. Coleridge in his notes to "Don Juan," Canto I, St. xli, Byron's +Works, edit. 1903.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +A PASTORAL DIALOGUE. 1728 + +DERMOT, SHEELAH + + +A Nymph and swain, Sheelah and Dermot hight; +Who wont to weed the court of Gosford knight;[1] +While each with stubbed knife removed the roots, +That raised between the stones their daily shoots; +As at their work they sate in counterview, +With mutual beauty smit, their passion grew. +Sing, heavenly Muse, in sweetly flowing strain, +The soft endearments of the nymph and swain. + +DERMOT + +My love to Sheelah is more firmly fixt, +Than strongest weeds that grow those stones betwixt; +My spud these nettles from the stones can part; +No knife so keen to weed thee from my heart. + +SHEELAH + +My love for gentle Dermot faster grows, +Than yon tall dock that rises to thy nose. +Cut down the dock, 'twill sprout again; but, O! +Love rooted out, again will never grow. + +DERMOT + +No more that brier thy tender leg shall rake: +(I spare the thistles for Sir Arthur's[2] sake) +Sharp are the stones; take thou this rushy mat; +The hardest bum will bruise with sitting squat. + +SHEELAH + +Thy breeches, torn behind, stand gaping wide; +This petticoat shall save thy dear backside; +Nor need I blush; although you feel it wet, +Dermot, I vow, 'tis nothing else but sweat. + +DERMOT + +At an old stubborn root I chanced to tug, +When the Dean threw me this tobacco-plug; +A longer ha'p'orth [3] never did I see; +This, dearest Sheelah, thou shall share with me. + +SHEELAH + +In at the pantry door, this morn I slipt, +And from the shelf a charming crust I whipt: +Dennis[4] was out, and I got hither safe; +And thou, my dear, shall have the bigger half. + +DERMOT + +When you saw Tady at long bullets play, +You sate and loused him all a sunshine day: +How could you, Sheelah, listen to his tales, +Or crack such lice as his between your nails? + +SHEELAH + +When you with Oonah stood behind a ditch, +I peep'd, and saw you kiss the dirty bitch; +Dermot, how could you touch these nasty sluts? +I almost wish'd this spud were in your guts. + +DERMOT + +If Oonah once I kiss'd, forbear to chide; +Her aunt's my gossip by my father's side: +But, if I ever touch her lips again, +May I be doom'd for life to weed in rain! + +SHEELAH + +Dermot, I swear, though Tady's locks could hold +Ten thousand lice, and every louse was gold; +Him on my lap you never more shall see; +Or may I lose my weeding knife--and thee! + +DERMOT + +O, could I earn for thee, my lovely lass, +A pair of brogues [5] to bear thee dry to mass! +But see, where Norah with the sowins [6] comes-- +Then let us rise, and rest our weary bums. + + +[Footnote 1: Sir Arthur Acheson, whose great-grandfather was Sir +Archibald, of Gosford, in Scotland.] + +[Footnote 2: Who was a great lover of Scotland.] + +[Footnote 3: Halfpenny-worth.] + +[Footnote 4: Sir Arthur's butler.] + +[Footnote 5: Shoes with flat low heels.] + +[Footnote 6: A sort of flummery.] + + + + +THE GRAND QUESTION DEBATED: + +WHETHER HAMILTON'S BAWN[1] SHOULD BE TURNED INTO A BARRACK OR MALT-HOUSE. +1729 + +THE PREFACE TO THE ENGLISH EDITION + +The author of the following poem is said to be Dr. J. S. D. S. P. D. who +writ it, as well as several other copies of verses of the like kind, by +way of amusement, in the family of an honourable gentleman in the north +of Ireland, where he spent a summer, about two or three years ago.[2] A +certain very great person,[3] then in that kingdom, having heard much of +this poem, obtained a copy from the gentleman, or, as some say, the lady +in whose house it was written, from whence I know not by what accident +several other copies were transcribed full of errors. As I have a great +respect for the supposed author, I have procured a true copy of the poem, +the publication whereof can do him less injury than printing any of those +incorrect ones which run about in manuscript, and would infallibly be +soon in the press, if not thus prevented. Some expressions being peculiar +to Ireland, I have prevailed on a gentleman of that kingdom to explain +them, and I have put the several explanations in their proper +places.--_First Edition_. + + +Thus spoke to my lady the knight[2] full of care, +"Let me have your advice in a weighty affair. +This Hamilton's bawn, while it sticks in my hand +I lose by the house what I get by the land; +But how to dispose of it to the best bidder, +For a barrack[6] or malt-house, we now must consider. + "First, let me suppose I make it a malt-house, +Here I have computed the profit will fall t'us: +There's nine hundred pounds for labour and grain, +I increase it to twelve, so three hundred remain; +A handsome addition for wine and good cheer, +Three dishes a-day, and three hogsheads a-year; +With a dozen large vessels my vault shall be stored; +No little scrub joint shall come on my board; +And you and the Dean no more shall combine +To stint me at night to one bottle of wine; +Nor shall I, for his humour, permit you to purloin +A stone and a quarter of beef from my sir-loin. +If I make it a barrack, the crown is my tenant; +My dear, I have ponder'd again and again on't: +In poundage and drawbacks I lose half my rent, +Whatever they give me, I must be content, +Or join with the court in every debate; +And rather than that, I would lose my estate." + Thus ended the knight; thus began his meek wife: +"It must, and it shall be a barrack, my life. +I'm grown a mere _mopus_; no company comes +But a rabble of tenants, and rusty dull rums.[5] +With parsons what lady can keep herself clean? +I'm all over daub'd when I sit by the Dean. +But if you will give us a barrack, my dear, +The captain I'm sure will always come here; +I then shall not value his deanship a straw, +For the captain, I warrant, will keep him in awe; +Or, should he pretend to be brisk and alert, +Will tell him that chaplains should not be so pert; +That men of his coat should be minding their prayers, +And not among ladies to give themselves airs." + Thus argued my lady, but argued in vain; +The knight his opinion resolved to maintain. + But Hannah,[6] who listen'd to all that was past, +And could not endure so vulgar a taste, +As soon as her ladyship call'd to be dress'd, +Cried, "Madam, why surely my master's possess'd, +Sir Arthur the maltster! how fine it will sound! +I'd rather the bawn were sunk under ground. +But, madam, I guess'd there would never come good, +When I saw him so often with Darby and Wood.[7] +And now my dream's out; for I was a-dream'd +That I saw a huge rat--O dear, how I scream'd! +And after, methought, I had lost my new shoes; +And Molly, she said, I should hear some ill news. + "Dear Madam, had you but the spirit to tease, +You might have a barrack whenever you please: +And, madam, I always believed you so stout, +That for twenty denials you would not give out. +If I had a husband like him, I _purtest,_ +Till he gave me my will, I would give him no rest; +And, rather than come in the same pair of sheets +With such a cross man, I would lie in the streets: +But, madam, I beg you, contrive and invent, +And worry him out, till he gives his consent. +Dear madam, whene'er of a barrack I think, +An I were to be hang'd, I can't sleep a wink: +For if a new crotchet comes into my brain, +I can't get it out, though I'd never so fain. +I fancy already a barrack contrived +At Hamilton's bawn, and the troop is arrived; +Of this to be sure, Sir Arthur has warning, +And waits on the captain betimes the next morning. + "Now see, when they meet, how their honours behave; +'Noble captain, your servant'--'Sir Arthur, your slave; +You honour me much'--'The honour is mine.'-- +''Twas a sad rainy night'--'But the morning is fine.'-- +'Pray, how does my lady?'--'My wife's at your service.'-- +'I think I have seen her picture by Jervas.'-- +'Good-morrow, good captain'--'I'll wait on you down'-- +'You shan't stir a foot'--'You'll think me a clown.'-- +'For all the world, captain, not half an inch farther'-- +'You must be obey'd--Your servant, Sir Arthur! +My humble respects to my lady unknown.'-- +'I hope you will use my house as your own.'" + "Go bring me my smock, and leave off your prate, +Thou hast certainly gotten a cup in thy pate." + "Pray, madam, be quiet: what was it I said? +You had like to have put it quite out of my head. +Next day to be sure, the captain will come, +At the head of his troop, with trumpet and drum. +Now, madam, observe how he marches in state: +The man with the kettle-drum enters the gate: +Dub, dub, adub, dub. The trumpeters follow. +Tantara, tantara; while all the boys holla. +See now comes the captain all daub'd with gold lace: +O la! the sweet gentleman! look in his face; +And see how he rides like a lord of the land, +With the fine flaming sword that he holds in his hand; +And his horse, the dear _creter_, it prances and rears; +With ribbons in knots at its tail and its ears: +At last comes the troop, by word of command, +Drawn up in our court; when the captain cries, STAND! +Your ladyship lifts up the sash to be seen, +For sure I had dizen'd you out like a queen. +The captain, to show he is proud of the favour, +Looks up to your window, and cocks up his beaver; +(His beaver is cock'd: pray, madam, mark that, +For a captain of horse never takes off his hat, +Because he has never a hand that is idle, +For the right holds the sword, and the left holds the bridle;) +Then flourishes thrice his sword in the air, +As a compliment due to a lady so fair; +(How I tremble to think of the blood it has spilt!) +Then he lowers down the point, and kisses the hilt. +Your ladyship smiles, and thus you begin: +'Pray, captain, be pleased to alight and walk in.' +The captain salutes you with congee profound, +And your ladyship curtseys half way to the ground. +'Kit, run to your master, and bid him come to us; +I'm sure he'll be proud of the honour you do us; +And, captain, you'll do us the favour to stay, +And take a short dinner here with us to-day: +You're heartily welcome; but as for good cheer, +You come in the very worst time of the year; +If I had expected so worthy a guest--' +'Lord, madam! your ladyship sure is in jest; +You banter me, madam; the kingdom must grant--' +'You officers, captain, are so complaisant!'"-- + "Hist, hussey, I think I hear somebody coming "-- +"No madam: 'tis only Sir Arthur a-humming. +To shorten my tale, (for I hate a long story,) +The captain at dinner appears in his glory; +The dean and the doctor[8] have humbled their pride, +For the captain's entreated to sit by your side; +And, because he's their betters, you carve for him first; +The parsons for envy are ready to burst. +The servants, amazed, are scarce ever able +To keep off their eyes, as they wait at the table; +And Molly and I have thrust in our nose, +To peep at the captain in all his fine _clo'es._ +Dear madam, be sure he's a fine spoken man, +Do but hear on the clergy how glib his tongue ran; +And, 'madam,' says he, 'if such dinners you give, +You'll ne'er want for parsons as long as you live. +I ne'er knew a parson without a good nose; +But the devil's as welcome, wherever he goes: +G--d d--n me! they bid us reform and repent, +But, z--s! by their looks, they never keep Lent: +Mister curate, for all your grave looks, I'm afraid +You cast a sheep's eye on her ladyship's maid: +I wish she would lend you her pretty white hand +In mending your cassock, and smoothing your band: +(For the Dean was so shabby, and look'd like a ninny, +That the captain supposed he was curate to Jinny.) +'Whenever you see a cassock and gown, +A hundred to one but it covers a clown. +Observe how a parson comes into a room; +G--d d--n me, he hobbles as bad as my groom; +A _scholard_, when just from his college broke loose, +Can hardly tell how to cry bo to a goose; +Your Noveds, and Bluturks, and Omurs,[9] and stuff +By G--, they don't signify this pinch of snuff. +To give a young gentleman right education, +The army's the only good school in the nation: +My schoolmaster call'd me a dunce and a fool, +But at cuffs I was always the cock of the school; +I never could take to my book for the blood o' me, +And the puppy confess'd he expected no good o' me. +He caught me one morning coquetting his wife, +But he maul'd me, I ne'er was so maul'd in my life: [10] +So I took to the road, and, what's very odd, +The first man I robb'd was a parson, by G--. +Now, madam, you'll think it a strange thing to say, +But the sight of a book makes me sick to this day. + "Never since I was born did I hear so much wit, +And, madam, I laugh'd till I thought I should split. +So then you look'd scornful, and snift at the Dean, +As who should say, 'Now, am I skinny[11] and lean?' +But he durst not so much as once open his lips, +And the doctor was plaguily down in the hips." +Thus merciless Hannah ran on in her talk, +Till she heard the Dean call, "Will your ladyship walk?" +Her ladyship answers, "I'm just coming down:" +Then, turning to Hannah, and forcing a frown, +Although it was plain in her heart she was glad, +Cried, "Hussey, why sure the wench is gone mad! +How could these chimeras get into your brains!-- +Come hither and take this old gown for your pains. +But the Dean, if this secret should come to his ears, +Will never have done with his gibes and his jeers: +For your life, not a word of the matter I charge ye: +Give me but a barrack, a fig for the clergy." + + +[Footnote 1: A bawn was a place near the house, enclosed with mud or +stone walls, to keep the cattle from being stolen in the night, now +little used.--_Dublin Edition_.] + +[Footnote 2: Sir Arthur Acheson, at whose seat this was written.] + +[Footnote 3: John, Lord Carteret, then Lord-lieutenant of Ireland, since +Earl of Granville, in right of his mother.] + +[Footnote 4: The army in Ireland was lodged in strong buildings, called +barracks. See "Verses on his own Death," and notes, vol. i, +247.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 5: A cant-word in Ireland for a poor country clergyman.] + +[Footnote 6: My lady's waiting-woman.] + +[Footnote 7: Two of Sir Arthur's managers.] + +[Footnote 8: Dr. Jinny, a clergyman in the neighbourhood.] + +[Footnote 9: Ovids, Plutarchs, Homers.] + +[Footnote 10: These four lines were added by Swift in his own copy of the +Miscellanies, edit. 1732.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 11: Nicknames for my lady, see _ante_, pp. 94, 95.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +DRAPIER'S-HILL.[1] 1730 + + +We give the world to understand, + Our thriving Dean has purchased land; +A purchase which will bring him clear +Above his rent four pounds a-year; +Provided to improve the ground, +He will but add two hundred pound; +And from his endless hoarded store, +To build a house, five hundred more. +Sir Arthur, too, shall have his will, +And call the mansion Drapier's-Hill; +That, when a nation, long enslaved, +Forgets by whom it once was saved; +When none the Drapier's praise shall sing, +His signs aloft no longer swing, +His medals and his prints forgotten, +And all his handkerchiefs [2] are rotten, +His famous letters made waste paper, +This hill may keep the name of Drapier; +In spite of envy, flourish still, +And Drapier's vie with Cooper's-Hill. + + +[Footnote 1: The Dean gave this name to a farm called Drumlach, which he +took of Sir Arthur Acheson, whose seat lay between that and Market-Hill; +and intended to build a house upon it, but afterwards changed his mind.] + +[Footnote 2: Medals were cast, many signs hung up, and handkerchiefs +made, with devices in honour of the Dean, under the name of M. B. +Drapier. See "Verses on his own death," vol. i.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +THE DEAN'S REASONS + +FOR NOT BUILDING AT DRAPIER'S-HILL + + +I will not build on yonder mount; +And, should you call me to account, +Consulting with myself, I find +It was no levity of mind. +Whate'er I promised or intended, +No fault of mine, the scheme is ended; +Nor can you tax me as unsteady, +I have a hundred causes ready; +All risen since that flattering time, +When Drapier's-Hill appear'd in rhyme. + I am, as now too late I find, +The greatest cully of mankind; +The lowest boy in Martin's school +May turn and wind me like a fool. +How could I form so wild a vision, +To seek, in deserts, Fields Elysian? +To live in fear, suspicion, variance, +With thieves, fanatics, and barbarians? + But here my lady will object; +Your deanship ought to recollect, +That, near the knight of Gosford[1] placed, +Whom you allow a man of taste, +Your intervals of time to spend +With so conversable a friend, +It would not signify a pin +Whatever climate you were in. + 'Tis true, but what advantage comes +To me from all a usurer's plums; +Though I should see him twice a-day, +And am his neighbour 'cross the way: +If all my rhetoric must fail +To strike him for a pot of ale? + Thus, when the learned and the wise +Conceal their talents from our eyes, +And from deserving friends withhold +Their gifts, as misers do their gold; +Their knowledge to themselves confined +Is the same avarice of mind; +Nor makes their conversation better, +Than if they never knew a letter. +Such is the fate of Gosford's knight, +Who keeps his wisdom out of sight; +Whose uncommunicative heart +Will scarce one precious word impart: +Still rapt in speculations deep, +His outward senses fast asleep; +Who, while I talk, a song will hum, +Or with his fingers beat the drum; +Beyond the skies transports his mind, +And leaves a lifeless corpse behind. + But, as for me, who ne'er could clamber high, +To understand Malebranche or Cambray; +Who send my mind (as I believe) less +Than others do, on errands sleeveless; +Can listen to a tale humdrum, +And with attention read Tom Thumb; +My spirits with my body progging, +Both hand in hand together jogging; +Sunk over head and ears in matter. +Nor can of metaphysics smatter; +Am more diverted with a quibble +Than dream of words intelligible; +And think all notions too abstracted +Are like the ravings of a crackt head; +What intercourse of minds can be +Betwixt the knight sublime and me, +If when I talk, as talk I must, +It is but prating to a bust? + Where friendship is by Fate design'd, +It forms a union in the mind: +But here I differ from the knight +In every point, like black and white: +For none can say that ever yet +We both in one opinion met: +Not in philosophy, or ale; +In state affairs, or planting kale; +In rhetoric, or picking straws; +In roasting larks, or making laws; +In public schemes, or catching flies; +In parliaments, or pudding pies. + The neighbours wonder why the knight +Should in a country life delight, +Who not one pleasure entertains +To cheer the solitary scenes: +His guests are few, his visits rare; +Nor uses time, nor time will spare; +Nor rides, nor walks, nor hunts, nor fowls, +Nor plays at cards, or dice, or bowls; +But seated in an easy-chair, +Despises exercise and air. +His rural walks he ne'er adorns; +Here poor Pomona sits on thorns: +And there neglected Flora settles +Her bum upon a bed of nettles. +Those thankless and officious cares +I used to take in friends' affairs, +From which I never could refrain, +And have been often chid in vain; +From these I am recover'd quite, +At least in what regards the knight. +Preserve his health, his store increase; +May nothing interrupt his peace! +But now let all his tenants round +First milk his cows, and after, pound; +Let every cottager conspire +To cut his hedges down for fire; +The naughty boys about the village +His crabs and sloes may freely pillage; +He still may keep a pack of knaves +To spoil his work, and work by halves; +His meadows may be dug by swine, +It shall be no concern of mine; +For why should I continue still +To serve a friend against his will? + +[Footnote 1: Sir Arthur Acheson's great-grandfather was Sir Archibald, of +Gosford, in Scotland.] + + + + +THE REVOLUTION AT MARKET-HILL +1730 + +From distant regions Fortune sends +An odd triumvirate of friends; +Where Phoebus pays a scanty stipend, +Where never yet a codling ripen'd: +Hither the frantic goddess draws +Three sufferers in a ruin'd cause: +By faction banish'd, here unite, +A Dean,[1] a Spaniard,[2] and a Knight;[3] +Unite, but on conditions cruel; +The Dean and Spaniard find it too well, +Condemn'd to live in service hard; +On either side his honour's guard: +The Dean to guard his honour's back, +Must build a castle at Drumlack;[4] +The Spaniard, sore against his will, +Must raise a fort at Market-Hill. +And thus the pair of humble gentry +At north and south are posted sentry; +While in his lordly castle fixt, +The knight triumphant reigns betwixt: +And, what the wretches most resent, +To be his slaves, must pay him rent; +Attend him daily as their chief, +Decant his wine, and carve his beef. +O Fortune! 'tis a scandal for thee +To smile on those who are least worthy: +Weigh but the merits of the three, +His slaves have ten times more than he. + Proud baronet of Nova Scotia! +The Dean and Spaniard must reproach ye: +Of their two fames the world enough rings: +Where are thy services and sufferings? +What if for nothing once you kiss'd, +Against the grain, a monarch's fist? +What if, among the courtly tribe, +You lost a place and saved a bribe? +And then in surly mood came here, +To fifteen hundred pounds a-year, +And fierce against the Whigs harangu'd? +You never ventured to be hang'd. +How dare you treat your betters thus? +Are you to be compared with us? + Come, Spaniard, let us from our farms +Call forth our cottagers to arms: +Our forces let us both unite, +Attack the foe at left and right; +From Market-Hill's[5] exalted head, +Full northward let your troops be led; +While I from Drapier's-Mount descend, +And to the south my squadrons bend. +New-River Walk, with friendly shade, +Shall keep my host in ambuscade; +While you, from where the basin stands, +Shall scale the rampart with your bands. +Nor need we doubt the fort to win; +I hold intelligence within. +True, Lady Anne no danger fears, +Brave as the Upton fan she wears;[6] +Then, lest upon our first attack +Her valiant arm should force us back, +And we of all our hopes deprived; +I have a stratagem contrived. +By these embroider'd high-heel shoes +She shall be caught as in a noose: +So well contriv'd her toes to pinch, +She'll not have power to stir an inch: +These gaudy shoes must Hannah [7] place +Direct before her lady's face; +The shoes put on, our faithful portress +Admits us in, to storm the fortress, +While tortured madam bound remains, +Like Montezume,[8] in golden chains; +Or like a cat with walnuts shod, +Stumbling at every step she trod. +Sly hunters thus, in Borneo's isle, +To catch a monkey by a wile, +The mimic animal amuse; +They place before him gloves and shoes; +Which, when the brute puts awkward on: +All his agility is gone; +In vain to frisk or climb he tries; +The huntsmen seize the grinning prize. + But let us on our first assault +Secure the larder and the vault; +The valiant Dennis,[9] you must fix on, +And I'll engage with Peggy Dixon:[10] +Then, if we once can seize the key +And chest that keeps my lady's tea, +They must surrender at discretion! +And, soon as we have gain'd possession, +We'll act as other conquerors do, +Divide the realm between us two; +Then, (let me see,) we'll make the knight +Our clerk, for he can read and write. +But must not think, I tell him that, +Like Lorimer [11] to wear his hat; +Yet, when we dine without a friend, +We'll place him at the lower end. +Madam, whose skill does all in dress lie, +May serve to wait on Mrs. Leslie; +But, lest it might not be so proper +That her own maid should over-top her, +To mortify the creature more, +We'll take her heels five inches lower. + For Hannah, when we have no need of her, +'Twill be our interest to get rid of her; +And when we execute our plot, +'Tis best to hang her on the spot; +As all your politicians wise, +Dispatch the rogues by whom they rise. + + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Swift.] + +[Footnote 2: Colonel Henry Leslie, who served and lived long in +Spain.--_Dublin Edition_.] + +[Footnote 3: Sir Arthur Acheson.] + +[Footnote 4: The Irish name of a farm the Dean took of Sir Arthur +Acheson, +and was to build on, but changed his mind, and called it Drapier's Hill. +See the poem so named, and "The Dean's Reasons for not building at +Drapier's-Hill," _ante_, p.107. _--W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 5: A village near Sir Arthur Acheson's.] + +[Footnote 6: A parody on the phrase, "As brave as his sword."--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 7: My lady's waiting-maid.] + +[Footnote 8: Montezuma or Mutezuma, the last Emperor of Mexico and the +richest, taken prisoner by Hernando Cortes, about 1511, who also obtained +possession of the whole empire. Hakluyt's "Navigations," etc., vols. +viii, ix.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 9: The butler.] + +[Footnote 10: The housekeeper.] + +[Footnote 11: The agent.] + + + + +ROBIN AND HARRY.[1] 1730 + +Robin to beggars with a curse, +Throws the last shilling in his purse; +And when the coachman comes for pay, +The rogue must call another day. + Grave Harry, when the poor are pressing +Gives them a penny and God's blessing; +But always careful of the main, +With twopence left, walks home in rain. + Robin from noon to night will prate, +Run out in tongue, as in estate; +And, ere a twelvemonth and a day, +Will not have one new thing to say. +Much talking is not Harry's vice; +He need not tell a story twice: +And, if he always be so thrifty, +His fund may last to five-and-fifty. + It so fell out that cautious Harry, +As soldiers use, for love must marry, +And, with his dame, the ocean cross'd; +(All for Love, or the World well Lost!) [2] +Repairs a cabin gone to ruin, +Just big enough to shelter two in; +And in his house, if anybody come, +Will make them welcome to his modicum +Where Goody Julia milks the cows, +And boils potatoes for her spouse; +Or darns his hose, or mends his breeches, +While Harry's fencing up his ditches. + Robin, who ne'er his mind could fix, +To live without a coach-and-six, +To patch his broken fortunes, found +A mistress worth five thousand pound; +Swears he could get her in an hour, +If gaffer Harry would endow her; +And sell, to pacify his wrath, +A birth-right for a mess of broth. + Young Harry, as all Europe knows, +Was long the quintessence of beaux; +But, when espoused, he ran the fate +That must attend the married state; +From gold brocade and shining armour, +Was metamorphosed to a farmer; +His grazier's coat with dirt besmear'd; +Nor twice a-week will shave his beard. + Old Robin, all his youth a sloven, +At fifty-two, when he grew loving, +Clad in a coat of paduasoy, +A flaxen wig, and waistcoat gay, +Powder'd from shoulder down to flank, +In courtly style addresses Frank; +Twice ten years older than his wife, +Is doom'd to be a beau for life; +Supplying those defects by dress, +Which I must leave the world to guess. + + +[Footnote 1: A lively account of these two gentlemen occurs in Dr. King's +Anecdotes of his Own Times, p. 137 _et seq_., who confirms the +peculiarities which Swift has enumerated in the text.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: The title of Dryden's Play, founded on the story of Antony +and Cleopatra.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +A PANEGYRIC ON THE DEAN + +IN THE PERSON OF A LADY IN THE NORTH [l] 1730 + +Resolved my gratitude to show, +Thrice reverend Dean, for all I owe, +Too long I have my thanks delay'd; +Your favours left too long unpaid; +But now, in all our sex's name, +My artless Muse shall sing your fame. + Indulgent you to female kind, +To all their weaker sides are blind: +Nine more such champions as the Dean +Would soon restore our ancient reign; +How well to win the ladies' hearts, +You celebrate their wit and parts! +How have I felt my spirits raised, +By you so oft, so highly praised! +Transform'd by your convincing tongue +To witty, beautiful, and young, +I hope to quit that awkward shame, +Affected by each vulgar dame, +To modesty a weak pretence; +And soon grow pert on men of sense; +To show my face with scornful air; +Let others match it if they dare. + Impatient to be out of debt, +O, may I never once forget +The bard who humbly deigns to chuse +Me for the subject of his Muse! +Behind my back, before my nose, +He sounds my praise in verse and prose. + My heart with emulation burns, +To make you suitable returns; +My gratitude the world shall know; +And see, the printer's boy below; +Ye hawkers all, your voices lift; +"A Panegyric on Dean Swift!" +And then, to mend the matter still, +"By Lady Anne of Market-Hill!"[2] + I thus begin: My grateful Muse +Salutes the Dean in different views; +Dean, butler, usher, jester, tutor; +Robert and Darby's[3] coadjutor; +And, as you in commission sit, +To rule the dairy next to Kit;[4] +In each capacity I mean +To sing your praise. And first as Dean: +Envy must own, you understand your +Precedence, and support your grandeur: +Nor of your rank will bate an ace, +Except to give Dean Daniel[5] place. +In you such dignity appears, +So suited to your state and years! +With ladies what a strict decorum! +With what devotion you adore 'em! +Treat me with so much complaisance, +As fits a princess in romance! +By your example and assistance, +The fellows learn to know their distance. +Sir Arthur, since you set the pattern, +No longer calls me snipe and slattern, +Nor dares he, though he were a duke, +Offend me with the least rebuke. + Proceed we to your preaching [5] next! +How nice you split the hardest text! +How your superior learning shines +Above our neighbouring dull divines! +At Beggar's Opera not so full pit +Is seen as when you mount our pulpit. + Consider now your conversation: +Regardful of your age and station, +You ne'er were known by passion stirr'd +To give the least offensive word: +But still, whene'er you silence break, +Watch every syllable you speak: +Your style so clear, and so concise, +We never ask to hear you twice. +But then a parson so genteel, +So nicely clad from head to heel; +So fine a gown, a band so clean, +As well become St. Patrick's Dean, +Such reverential awe express, +That cowboys know you by your dress! +Then, if our neighbouring friends come here +How proud are we when you appear, +With such address and graceful port, +As clearly shows you bred at court! + Now raise your spirits, Mr. Dean, +I lead you to a nobler scene. +When to the vault you walk in state, +In quality of butler's [6] mate; +You next to Dennis [7] bear the sway: +To you we often trust the key: +Nor can he judge with all his art +So well, what bottle holds a quart: +What pints may best for bottles pass +Just to give every man his glass: +When proper to produce the best; +And what may serve a common guest. +With Dennis you did ne'er combine, +Not you, to steal your master's wine, +Except a bottle now and then, +To welcome brother serving-men; +But that is with a good design, +To drink Sir Arthur's health and mine, +Your master's honour to maintain: +And get the like returns again. + Your usher's[8] post must next be handled: +How blest am I by such a man led! +Under whose wise and careful guardship +I now despise fatigue and hardship, +Familiar grown to dirt and wet, +Though draggled round, I scorn to fret: +From you my chamber damsels learn +My broken hose to patch and darn. + Now as a jester I accost you; +Which never yet one friend has lost you. +You judge so nicely to a hair, +How far to go, and when to spare; +By long experience grown so wise, +Of every taste to know the size; +There's none so ignorant or weak +To take offence at what you speak.[9] +Whene'er you joke, 'tis all a case +Whether with Dermot, or his grace; +With Teague O'Murphy, or an earl; +A duchess, or a kitchen girl. +With such dexterity you fit +Their several talents with your wit, +That Moll the chambermaid can smoke, +And Gahagan[10] take every joke. + I now become your humble suitor +To let me praise you as my tutor.[11] +Poor I, a savage[12] bred and born, +By you instructed every morn, +Already have improved so well, +That I have almost learnt to spell: +The neighbours who come here to dine, +Admire to hear me speak so fine. +How enviously the ladies look, +When they surprise me at my book! +And sure as they're alive at night, +As soon as gone will show their spight: +Good lord! what can my lady mean, +Conversing with that rusty Dean! +She's grown so nice, and so penurious,[13] +With Socrates and Epicurius! +How could she sit the livelong day, +Yet never ask us once to play? + But I admire your patience most; +That when I'm duller than a post, +Nor can the plainest word pronounce, +You neither fume, nor fret, nor flounce; +Are so indulgent, and so mild, +As if I were a darling child. +So gentle is your whole proceeding, +That I could spend my life in reading. + You merit new employments daily: +Our thatcher, ditcher, gardener, baily. +And to a genius so extensive +No work is grievous or offensive: +Whether your fruitful fancy lies +To make for pigs convenient styes; +Or ponder long with anxious thought +To banish rats that haunt our vault: +Nor have you grumbled, reverend Dean, +To keep our poultry sweet and clean; +To sweep the mansion-house they dwell in, +And cure the rank unsavoury smelling. + Now enter as the dairy handmaid: +Such charming butter [14] never man made. +Let others with fanatic face +Talk of their milk for babes of grace; +From tubs their snuffling nonsense utter; +Thy milk shall make us tubs of butter. +The bishop with his foot may burn it,[15] +But with his hand the Dean can churn it. +How are the servants overjoy'd +To see thy deanship thus employ'd! +Instead of poring on a book, +Providing butter for the cook! +Three morning hours you toss and shake +The bottle till your fingers ache; +Hard is the toil, nor small the art, +The butter from the whey to part: +Behold a frothy substance rise; +Be cautious or your bottle flies. +The butter comes, our fears are ceased; +And out you squeeze an ounce at least. + Your reverence thus, with like success, +(Nor is your skill or labour less,) +When bent upon some smart lampoon, +Will toss and turn your brain till noon; +Which in its jumblings round the skull, +Dilates and makes the vessel full: +While nothing comes but froth at first, +You think your giddy head will burst; +But squeezing out four lines in rhyme, +Are largely paid for all your time. + But you have raised your generous mind +To works of more exalted kind. +Palladio was not half so skill'd in +The grandeur or the art of building. +Two temples of magnific size +Attract the curious traveller's eyes, +That might be envied by the Greeks; +Raised up by you in twenty weeks: +Here gentle goddess Cloacine +Receives all offerings at her shrine. +In separate cells, the he's and she's, +Here pay their vows on bended knees: +For 'tis profane when sexes mingle, +And every nymph must enter single; +And when she feels an inward motion, +Come fill'd with reverence and devotion. +The bashful maid, to hide her blush, +Shall creep no more behind a bush; +Here unobserved she boldly goes, +As who should say, to pluck a rose,[16] + Ye, who frequent this hallow'd scene, +Be not ungrateful to the Dean; +But duly, ere you leave your station, +Offer to him a pure libation, +Or of his own or Smedley's lay, +Or billet-doux, or lock of hay: +And, O! may all who hither come, +Return with unpolluted thumb! + Yet, when your lofty domes I praise +I sigh to think of ancient days. +Permit me then to raise my style, +And sweetly moralize a-while. + Thee, bounteous goddess Cloacine, +To temples why do we confine? +Forbid in open air to breathe, +Why are thine altars fix'd beneath? +When Saturn ruled the skies alone, +(That golden age to gold unknown,) +This earthly globe, to thee assign'd, +Received the gifts of all mankind. +Ten thousand altars smoking round, +Were built to thee with offerings crown'd; +And here thy daily votaries placed +Their sacrifice with zeal and haste: +The margin of a purling stream +Sent up to thee a grateful steam; +Though sometimes thou wert pleased to wink, +If Naiads swept them from the brink: +Or where appointing lovers rove, +The shelter of a shady grove; +Or offer'd in some flowery vale, +Were wafted by a gentle gale, +There many a flower abstersive grew, +Thy favourite flowers of yellow hue; +The crocus and the daffodil, +The cowslip soft, and sweet jonquil. + But when at last usurping Jove +Old Saturn from his empire drove, +Then gluttony, with greasy paws +Her napkin pinn'd up to her jaws, +With watery chops, and wagging chin, +Braced like a drum her oily skin; +Wedged in a spacious elbow-chair, +And on her plate a treble share, +As if she ne'er could have enough, +Taught harmless man to cram and stuff. +She sent her priests in wooden shoes +From haughty Gaul to make ragouts; +Instead of wholesome bread and cheese, +To dress their soups and fricassees; +And, for our home-bred British cheer, +Botargo, catsup, and caviare. + This bloated harpy, sprung from hell, +Confined thee, goddess, to a cell: +Sprung from her womb that impious line, +Contemners of thy rites divine. +First, lolling Sloth, in woollen cap, +Taking her after-dinner nap: +Pale Dropsy, with a sallow face, +Her belly burst, and slow her pace: +And lordly Gout, wrapt up in fur, +And wheezing Asthma, loth to stir: +Voluptuous Ease, the child of wealth, +Infecting thus our hearts by stealth. +None seek thee now in open air, +To thee no verdant altars rear; +But, in their cells and vaults obscene, +Present a sacrifice unclean; +From whence unsavoury vapours rose, +Offensive to thy nicer nose. +Ah! who, in our degenerate days, +As nature prompts, his offering pays? +Here nature never difference made +Between the sceptre and the spade. + Ye great ones, why will ye disdain +To pay your tribute on the plain? +Why will you place in lazy pride +Your altars near your couches' side: +When from the homeliest earthen ware +Are sent up offerings more sincere, +Than where the haughty duchess locks +Her silver vase in cedar box? + Yet some devotion still remains +Among our harmless northern swains, +Whose offerings, placed in golden ranks, +Adorn our crystal rivers' banks; +Nor seldom grace the flowery downs, +With spiral tops and copple [27] crowns; +Or gilding in a sunny morn +The humble branches of a thorn. +So poets sing, with golden bough +The Trojan hero paid his vow.[28] + Hither, by luckless error led, +The crude consistence oft I tread; +Here when my shoes are out of case, +Unweeting gild the tarnish'd lace; +Here, by the sacred bramble tinged, +My petticoat is doubly fringed. + Be witness for me, nymph divine, +I never robb'd thee with design; +Nor will the zealous Hannah pout +To wash thy injured offering out. +But stop, ambitious Muse, in time, +Nor dwell on subjects too sublime. +In vain on lofty heels I tread, +Aspiring to exalt my head; +With hoop expanded wide and light, +In vain I 'tempt too high a flight. + Me Phoebus [29] in a midnight dream [30] +Accosting, said, "Go shake your cream [31] +Be humbly-minded, know your post; +Sweeten your tea, and watch your toast. +Thee best befits a lowly style; +Teach Dennis how to stir the guile;[32] +With Peggy Dixon[33] thoughtful sit, +Contriving for the pot and spit. +Take down thy proudly swelling sails, +And rub thy teeth and pare thy nails; +At nicely carving show thy wit; +But ne'er presume to eat a bit: +Turn every way thy watchful eye, +And every guest be sure to ply: +Let never at your board be known +An empty plate, except your own. +Be these thy arts;[34] nor higher aim +Than what befits a rural dame. + "But Cloacina, goddess bright, +Sleek----claims her as his right; +And Smedley,[35] flower of all divines, +Shall sing the Dean in Smedley's lines." + + +[Footnote 1: The Lady of Sir Arthur Acheson.] + +[Footnote 2: A village near Sir Arthur Acheson's house where the author +passed two summers.--_Dublin Edition_.] + +[Footnote 3: The names of two overseers.] + +[Footnote 4: My lady's footman.] + +[Footnote 4: Dr. Daniel, Dean of Down, who wrote several poems.] + +[Footnote 5: The author preached but once while he was there.] + +[Footnote 6: He sometimes used to direct the butler.] + +[Footnote 7: The butler.] + +[Footnote 8: He sometimes used to walk with the lady. See _ante_, p. 96.] + +[Footnote 9: The neighbouring ladies were no great understanders of +raillery.] + +[Footnote 10: The clown that cut down the old thorn at Market-Hill.] + +[Footnote 11: See _ante_, "My Lady's Lamentation," p. 97.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 12: Lady Acheson was daughter of Philip Savage, M. P. for +Wexford, and Chancellor of the Exchequer in Ireland.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 13: Understood here as _dainty, particular.--W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 14: A way of making butter for breakfast, by filling a bottle +with cream, and shaking it till the butter comes.] + +[Footnote 15: It is a common saying, when the milk burns, that the devil +or the bishop has set his foot in it.] + +[Footnote 16: See vol. i, p. 203.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 27: Fragments of stone.] + +[Footnote 28: Virg., "Aeneidos," lib. vi.] + +[Footnote 29: "Cynthius aurem +Vellit et admonuit."--VIRG., _Ecloga_ vi, 3.] + +[Footnote 30: "Post mediam noctem visus, cum somnia vera."--HOR., _Sat_, +I, x, 33.] + +[Footnote 31: In the bottle to make butter.] + +[Footnote 32: The quantity of ale or beer brewed at one time.] + +[Footnote 33: Mrs. Dixon, the housekeeper.] + +[Footnote 34: "Hac tibi erunt artes."--VIRG., _Aen_., vi, 852.] + +[Footnote 35: A very stupid, insolent, factious, deformed, conceited +person; a vile pretender to poetry, preferred by the Duke of Grafton for +his wit.] + + + + +TWELVE ARTICLES[1] + +I +LEST it may more quarrels breed, +I will never hear you read. + +II +By disputing, I will never, +To convince you once endeavour. + +III +When a paradox you stick to, +I will never contradict you. + +IV +When I talk and you are heedless, +I will show no anger needless. + +V +When your speeches are absurd, +I will ne'er object a word. + +VI +When you furious argue wrong, +I will grieve and hold my tongue. + +VII +Not a jest or humorous story +Will I ever tell before ye: +To be chidden for explaining, +When you quite mistake the meaning. + +VIII +Never more will I suppose, +You can taste my verse or prose. + +IX +You no more at me shall fret, +While I teach and you forget. + +X +You shall never hear me thunder, +When you blunder on, and blunder. + +XI +Show your poverty of spirit, +And in dress place all your merit; +Give yourself ten thousand airs: +That with me shall break no squares.[2] + +XII +Never will I give advice, +Till you please to ask me thrice: +Which if you in scorn reject, +'Twill be just as I expect. + + Thus we both shall have our ends, + And continue special friends. + + +[Footnote 1: Addressed to Lady Acheson.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: That is, will do no harm--we shall not disagree. + "At Blank-Blank Square;--for we will break no squares + By naming streets." +_Don Juan_, Canto XIII, st. xxv. +See Mr. Coleridge's note on this; Byron's Works, edit. 1903.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +POLITICAL POETRY + +PARODY + +ON THE RECORDER OF BLESSINGTON'S ADDRESS TO QUEEN ANNE + +_Mr. William Crowe, Recorder of Blessington's Address to her Majesty, as +copied from the London Gazette_. + +To the Queen's most Excellent Majesty, + +The humble Address of the Sovereign, Recorder, Burgesses, and Freemen, of +the Borough of Blessington. + +May it please your Majesty, +Though we stand almost last on the roll of boroughs of this your +majesty's kingdom of Ireland, and therefore, in good manners to our elder +brothers, press but late among the joyful crowd about your royal throne: +yet we beg leave to assure your majesty, that we come behind none in our +good affection to your sacred person and government; insomuch, that the +late surprising accounts from Germany have filled us with a joy not +inferior to any of our fellow-subjects. + +We heard with transport that the English warmed the field to that degree, +that thirty squadrons, part of the vanquished enemy, were forced to fly +to water, not able to stand their fire, and drank their last draught in +the Danube, for the waste they had before committed on its injured banks, +thereby putting an end to their master's long-boasted victories: a +glorious push indeed, and worthy a general of the Queen of England. And +we are not a little pleased, to find several gentlemen in considerable +posts of your majesty's army, who drew their first breath in this +country, sharing in the good fortune of those who so effectually put in +execution the command of your gallant, enterprizing general, whose +twin-battles have, with his own title of Marlborough, given immortality +to the otherwise perishing names of Schellenberg and Hogstete: actions +that speak him born under stars as propitious to England as that he now +wears, on both which he has so often reflected lustre, as to have now +abundantly repaid the glory they once lent him. Nor can we but +congratulate with a joy proportioned to the success of your majesty's +fleet, our last campaign at sea, since by it we observe the French +obliged to steer their wonted course for security, to their ports; and +Gibraltar, the Spaniards' ancient defence, bravely stormed, possessed, +and maintained by your majesty's subjects. + +May the supplies for reducing the exorbitant power of France be such, as +may soon turn your wreaths of laurel into branches of olive: that, after +the toils of a just and honourable war, carried on by a confederacy of +which your majesty is most truly, as of the faith, styled Defender, we +may live to enjoy, under your majesty's auspicious government, the +blessings of a profound and lasting peace; a peace beyond the power of +him to violate, who, but for his own unreasonable conveniency, +destructive always of his neighbours, never yet kept any. And, to +complete our happiness, may your majesty again prove to _your own +family_, what you have been so eminently to the true church, a nursing +mother. So wish, and so pray, may it please your majesty, your majesty's +most dutiful and loyal subjects, and devoted humble servants. + +This Address was presented January 17, 1704-5. + + +MR. WILLIAM CROWE'S ADDRESS TO HER MAJESTY, TURNED INTO METRE + +From a town that consists of a church and a steeple, +With three or four houses, and as many people, +There went an Address in great form and good order, +Composed, as 'tis said, by Will Crowe, their Recorder.[1] +And thus it began to an excellent tune: +Forgive us, good madam, that we did not as soon +As the rest of the cities and towns of this nation +Wish your majesty joy on this glorious occasion. +Not that we're less hearty or loyal than others, +But having a great many sisters and brothers, +Our borough in riches and years far exceeding, +We let them speak first, to show our good breeding. + We have heard with much transport and great satisfaction +Of the victory obtain'd in the late famous action, +When the field was so warm'd, that it soon grew too hot +For the French and Bavarians, who had all gone to pot, +But that they thought best in great haste to retire, +And leap into the water for fear of the fire. +But says the good river, Ye fools, plague confound ye, +Do ye think to swim through me, and that I'll not drown ye? +Who have ravish'd, and murder'd, and play'd such damn'd pranks, +And trod down the grass on my much-injured banks? +Then, swelling with anger and rage to the brink, +He gave the poor Monsieur his last draught of drink. +So it plainly appears they were very well bang'd, +And that some may be drown'd, who deserved to be hang'd. +Great Marlbro' well push'd: 'twas well push'd indeed: +Oh, how we adore you, because you succeed! +And now I may say it, I hope without blushing, +That you have got twins, by your violent pushing; +Twin battles I mean, that will ne'er be forgotten, +But live and be talk'd of, when we're dead and rotten. +Let other nice lords sculk at home from the wars, +Prank'd up and adorn'd with garters and stars, +Which but twinkle like those in a cold frosty night; +While to yours you are adding such lustre and light, +That if you proceed, I'm sure very soon +'Twill be brighter and larger than the sun or the moon: +A blazing star, I foretell, 'twill prove to the Gaul, +That portends of his empire the ruin and fall. + Now God bless your majesty, and our Lord Murrough,[2] +And send him in safety and health to his borough. + + +[Footnote 1: Subsequently M.P. for Blessington, in the Irish Parliament; +he suffered some injustice from Wharton, when Lord-Lieutenant: he lost +his senses, and died in 1710. See Journal to Stella, "Prose Works," ii, +pp. 39, 54; and Character of the Earl of Wharton, "Prose Works," v, p. +27.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Murragh Boyle, first Viscount Blessington, author of a +tragedy, "The Lost Princess." He died in 1712.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +JACK FRENCHMAN'S LAMENTATION[1] + +AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG + +To the Tune of "I tell thee, Dick, where I have been."[2] + + + Ye Commons and Peers, + Pray lend me your ears, +I'll sing you a song, (if I can,) + How Lewis le Grand + Was put to a stand, +By the arms of our gracious Queen Anne. + + How his army so great, + Had a total defeat, +And close by the river Dender: + Where his grandchildren twain, + For fear of being slain, +Gallop'd off with the Popish Pretender. + + To a steeple on high, + The battle to spy, +Up mounted these clever young men;[3] + But when from the spire, + They saw so much fire, +Most cleverly came down again. + + Then on horseback they got + All on the same spot, +By advice of their cousin Vendosme, + O Lord! cried out he, + Unto young _Burgundy_, +Would your brother and you were at home! + + While this he did say, + Without more delay, +Away the young gentry fled; + Whose heels for that work, + Were much lighter than cork, +Though their hearts were as heavy as lead. + + Not so did behave + Young Hanover brave,[4] +In this bloody field I assure ye: + When his war-horse was shot + He valued it not, +But fought it on foot like a fury. + + Full firmly he stood, + As became his high blood, +Which runs in his veins so blue: + For this gallant young man, + Being a-kin to QUEEN ANNE, +Did as (were she a man) she would do. + + What a racket was here, + (I think 'twas last year,) +For a little misfortune in Spain! + For by letting 'em win, + We have drawn the puts in, +To lose all they're worth this campaign. + + Though _Bruges_ and Ghent + To _Monsieur_ we lent, +With interest they shall repay 'em; + While _Paris_ may sing, + With her sorrowful king, +_Nunc dimittis_ instead of _Te Deum_. + + From this dream of success, + They'll awaken, we guess, +At the sound of great Marlborough's drums, + They may think, if they will, + Of Ahnanza still, +But 'tis Blenheim wherever he comes. + + O _Lewis[5]_ perplex'd, + What general next! +Thou hast hitherto changed in vain; + He has beat 'em all round, + If no new one's found, +He shall beat 'em over again. + + We'll let _Tallard_ out, + If he'll take t'other bout; +And much he's improved, let me tell ye, + With _Nottingham_ ale + At every meal, +And good beef and pudding in belly. + + But as losers at play, + Their dice throw away, +While the winners do still win on; + Let who will command, + Thou hadst better disband, +For, old Bully, thy doctors[6] are gone. + + +[Footnote 1: This ballad, upon the battle of Oudenarde, was very popular, +and the tune is often referred to as that of "Ye Commons and +Peers."--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: "A Ballad upon a Wedding," by Sir John Suckling, occasioned +by the marriage of Roger Boyle, first Lord Orrery, with Lady Margaret +Howard, daughter to the Earl of Suffolk. Suckling's Works, edit. Hazlitt, +vol. i, p. 42.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: In the Dutch accounts of the battle of Oudenarde, it is said +that the Dukes of Burgundy and Berry, with the Chevalier de St. George, +viewed the action at a distance from the top of a steeple, and fled, when +the fate of the day turned against the French. Vendosme commanded the +French upon that occasion.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 4: The Electoral Prince of Hanover, afterwards George II, +behaved with great spirit in the engagement, and charged, at the head of +Bulau's dragoons, with great intrepidity. His horse was shot under him, +and he then fought as stated in the text. Smollett's "History of +England," ii, _125.--W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 5: Louis XIV.] + +[Footnote 6: A cant word for false dice.--_Scott_.] + + + + +THE GARDEN PLOT + +1709 + + +When Naboth's vineyard[1] look'd so fine, +The king cried out, "Would this were mine!" +And yet no reason could prevail +To bring the owner to a sale. +Jezebel saw, with haughty pride, +How Ahab grieved to be denied; +And thus accosted him with scorn: +"Shall Naboth make a monarch mourn? +A king, and weep! The ground's your own; +I'll vest the garden in the crown." +With that she hatch'd a plot, and made +Poor Naboth answer with his head; +And when his harmless blood was spilt, +The ground became his forfeit guilt. + +[Footnote 1: This seems to allude to some oppressive procedure by the +Earl of Wharton in relation to Swift's garden, which he called "Naboth's +Vineyard," meaning a possession coveted by another person able to possess +himself of it (i Kings, chap, xxi, verses 1-10). For some particulars of +the garden, see "Prose Works," xi, 415.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +SID HAMET'S ROD + +Poor Hall, renown'd for comely hair, +Whose hands, perhaps, were not so fair, +Yet had a Jezebel as near; +Hall, of small scripture conversation, +Yet, howe'er Hungerford's[1] quotation, +By some strange accident had got +The story of this garden-plot;--Wisely +foresaw he might have reason +To dread a modern bill of treason, +If Jezebel should please to want +His small addition to her grant: +Therefore resolved, in humble sort, +To begin first, and make his court; +And, seeing nothing else would do, +Gave a third part, to save the other two. + +[Footnote 1: Probably John Hungerford, a member of the October Club. +"Prose Works," v, 209.--_W. E. B._] + + + +THE VIRTUES OF SID HAMET[1] THE MAGICIAN'S ROD. 1710[2] + +The rod was but a harmless wand, + While Moses held it in his hand; +But, soon as e'er he laid it down, +Twas a devouring serpent grown. + Our great magician, Hamet Sid, +Reverses what the prophet did: +His rod was honest English wood, +That senseless in a corner stood, +Till metamorphos'd by his grasp, +It grew an all-devouring asp; +Would hiss, and sting, and roll, and twist. +By the mere virtue of his fist: +But, when he laid it down, as quick +Resum'd the figure of a stick. + So, to her midnight feasts, the hag +Rides on a broomstick for a nag, +That, rais'd by magic of her breech, +O'er sea and land conveys the witch; +But with the morning dawn resumes +The peaceful state of common brooms. +They tell us something strange and odd, +About a certain magic rod,[3] +That, bending down its top, divines +Whene'er the soil has golden mines; +Where there are none, it stands erect, +Scorning to show the least respect: +As ready was the wand of Sid +To bend where golden mines were hid: +In Scottish hills found precious ore,[4] +Where none e'er look'd for it before; +And by a gentle bow divine +How well a cully's purse was lined; +To a forlorn and broken rake, +Stood without motion like a stake. + The rod of Hermes [5] was renown'd +For charms above and under ground; +To sleep could mortal eyelids fix, +And drive departed souls to Styx. +That rod was a just type of Sid's, +Which o'er a British senate's lids +Could scatter opium full as well, +And drive as many souls to hell. +Sid's rod was slender, white, and tall, +Which oft he used to fish withal; +A PLACE was fasten'd to the hook, +And many score of _gudgeons_ took; +Yet still so happy was his fate, +He caught his fish and sav'd his bait. + Sid's brethren of the conj'ring tribe, +A circle with their rod describe, +Which proves a magical redoubt, +To keep mischievous spirits out. +Sid's rod was of a larger stride, +And made a circle thrice as wide, +Where spirits throng'd with hideous din, +And he stood there to take them in; +But when th'enchanted rod was broke, +They vanish'd in a stinking smoke. + Achilles' sceptre was of wood, +Like Sid's, but nothing near so good; +Though down from ancestors divine +Transmitted to the heroes line; +Thence, thro' a long descent of kings, +Came an HEIRLOOM,[6] as Homer sings. +Though this description looks so big, +That sceptre was a sapless twig, +Which, from the fatal day, when first +It left the forest where 'twas nurs'd, +As Homer tells us o'er and o'er, +Nor leaf, nor fruit, nor blossom bore. +Sid's sceptre, full of juice, did shoot +In golden boughs, and golden fruit; +And he, the dragon never sleeping, +Guarded each fair Hesperian Pippin. +No hobby-horse, with gorgeous top, +The dearest in Charles Mather's[7] shop, +Or glittering tinsel of May Fair, +Could with this rod of Sid compare.[8] + Dear Sid, then why wert thou so mad +To break thy rod like naughty lad?[9] +You should have kiss'd it in your distress, +And then return'd it to your mistress; +Or made it a Newmarket switch,[10] +And not a rod for thine own breech. +But since old Sid has broken this, +His next may be a rod in piss. + + +[Footnote 1: Cid Hamet Ben Eng'li, the supposed inspirer of Cervantes. +See "Don Quixote," last chapter.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: When Swift came to London, in 1710, about the time the +ministry was changed, his reception from Lord Treasurer Godolphin was, as +he wrote to Archbishop King, 9th Sept., "altogether different from what +he ever received from any great man in his life, altogether short, dry, +and morose." To Stella he writes that this coldness had "enraged him so +that he was almost vowing revenge." On the Treasurer's enforced +retirement, Swift's resentment took effect in the above "lampoon" which +was read at Harley's, on the 15th October, 1710, and "ran prodigiously," +but was not then "suspected for Swift's." See Journal to Stella, Sept. 9 +and Oct. 15.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: The _virgula divina_, said to be attracted by +minerals.--_Swift_.] + +[Footnote 4: Supposed to allude to the Union.--_Swift_.] + +[Footnote 5: Mercury's Caduceus, by which he could settle all disputes +and differences.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 6: Godolphin's favour arose from his connexion with the family +of Marlborough by the marriage of his son to the Duke's daughter, +Henrietta Churchill.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 7: An eminent toyman in Fleet Street.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 8: The allusion is to Godolphin's name, Sidney, and to his +staff of office.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 9: A letter was sent him by the groom of the Queen's stables to +desire he would break his staff, which would be the easiest way both to +her Majesty and him. Mr. Smith, Chancellor of the Exchequer, happening to +come in a little after, my lord broke his staff, and flung the pieces in +the chimney, desiring Mr. Smith to witness that he had obeyed the Queen's +commands. Swift to Archbishop King, Sept. 9, 1710.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 10: Lord Godolphin is satirized by Pope for a strong attachment +to the turf. See his "Moral Essays," Epist. I, 81-5. + "Who would not praise Patritio's high desert, + His hand unstain'd, his uncorrupted heart," + "He thanks you not, his pride is in piquet, + Newmarket fame, and judgment at a bet."] + + + + +THE FAMOUS SPEECH-MAKER OF ENGLAND + +OR BARON (ALIAS BARREN) LOVEL'S CHARGE +AT THE ASSIZES AT EXON, APRIL 5, 17IO + +Risum teneatis?--HORAT., _Ars Poetica_, 5. + + From London to Exon, +By special direction, +Came down the world's wonder, +Sir Salathiel Blunder, +With a quoif on his head +As heavy as lead; +And thus opened and said: + +Gentlemen of the Grand Inquest, + + Her majesty, mark it, + Appointed this circuit + For me and my brother, + Before any other; + To execute laws, + As you may suppose, + Upon such as offenders have been. + So then, not to scatter + More words on the matter, + We're beginning just now to begin. +But hold--first and foremost, I must enter a clause, +As touching and concerning our excellent laws; + Which here I aver, + Are better by far +Than them all put together abroad and beyond sea; +For I ne'er read the like, nor e'er shall, I fancy + The laws of our land + Don't abet, but withstand, + Inquisition and thrall, + And whatever may gall, + And fire withal; + And sword that devours + Wherever it scowers: +They preserve liberty and property, for which men pull and haul so, +And they are made for the support of good government also. + Her majesty, knowing + The best way of going + To work for the weal of the nation, + Builds on that rock, + Which all storms will mock, + Since Religion is made the foundation. + And, I tell you to boot, she + Resolves resolutely, + No promotion to give + To the best man alive, + In church or in state, + (I'm an instance of that,) + But only to such of a good reputation + For temper, morality, and moderation. + Fire! fire! a wild-fire, + Which greatly disturbs the queen's peace + Lies running about; + And if you don't put it out, +( That's positive) will increase: + And any may spy, + With half of an eye, +That it comes from our priests and Papistical fry. + Ye have one of these fellows, + With fiery bellows, +Come hither to blow and to puff here; + Who having been toss'd + From pillar to post, +At last vents his rascally stuff here: +Which to such as are honest must sound very oddly, +When they ought to preach nothing but what's very godly; +As here from this place we charge you to do, +As ye'll answer to man, besides ye know who. + Ye have a Diocesan,--[l] + But I don't know the man;-- + The man's a good liver, + They tell me, however, + And fiery never! + Now, ye under-pullers, + That wear such black colours, + How well would it look, + If his measures ye took, + Thus for head and for rump + Together to jump; + For there's none deserve places, + I speak't to their faces, + But men of such graces, +And I hope he will never prefer any asses; +Especially when I'm so confident on't, +For reasons of state, that her majesty won't + Know, I myself I + Was present and by, +At the great trial, where there was a great company, + Of a turbulent preacher, who, cursedly hot, +Turn'd the fifth of November, even the gun-powder plot, +Into impudent railing, and the devil knows what: +Exclaiming like fury--it was at Paul's, London-- +How church was in danger, and like to be undone, +And so gave the lie to gracious Queen Anne; +And, which is far worse, to our parliament-men: + And then printed a book, + Into which men did look: + True, he made a good text; + But what follow'd next +Was nought but a dunghill of sordid abuses, +Instead of sound doctrine, with proofs to't, and uses. + It was high time of day + That such inflammation +should be extinguish'd without more delay: +But there was no engine could possibly do't, +Till the commons play'd theirs, and so quite put it out. + So the man was tried for't, + Before highest court: + Now it's plain to be seen, + It's his principles I mean, +Where they suffer'd this noisy and his lawyers to bellow: + Which over, the blade + A poor punishment had + For that racket he made. + By which ye may know + They thought as I do, +That he is but at best an inconsiderable fellow. + Upon this I find here, + And everywhere, +That the country rides rusty, and is all out of gear: + And for what? + May I not + In opinion vary, + And think the contrary, + But it must create + Unfriendly debate, + And disunion straight; + When no reason in nature + Can be given of the matter, + Any more than for shapes or for different stature? +If you love your dear selves, your religion or queen, +Ye ought in good manners to be peaceable men: + For nothing disgusts her + Like making a bluster: + And your making this riot, + Is what she could cry at, +Since all her concern's for our welfare and quiet. + I would ask any man + Of them all that maintain + Their passive obedience + With such mighty vehemence, + That damn'd doctrine, I trow! + What he means by it, ho', + To trump it up now? + Or to tell me in short, + What need there is for't? + Ye may say, I am hot; + I say I am not; +Only warm, as the subject on which I am got. + There are those alive yet, + If they do not forget, +May remember what mischiefs it did church and state: + Or at least must have heard + The deplorable calamities + It drew upon families, +About sixty years ago and upward. + And now, do ye see, + Whoever they be, + That make such an oration + In our Protestant nation, +As though church was all on a fire,-- + With whatever cloak + They may cover their talk, + And wheedle the folk, + That the oaths they have took, + As our governors strictly require;-- +I say they are men--(and I'm a judge, ye all know,) +That would our most excellent laws overthrow; +For the greater part of them to church never go; +Or, what's much the same, it by very great chance is, +If e'er they partake of her wise ordinances. +Their aim is, no doubt, +Were they made to speak out, +To pluck down the queen, that they make all this rout; + And to set up, moreover, + A bastardly brother; +Or at least to prevent the House of Hanover. + Ye gentlemen of the jury, + What means all this fury, + Of which I'm inform'd by good hands, I assure ye; +This insulting of persons by blows and rude speeches, +And breaking of windows, which, you know, maketh breaches? + Ye ought to resent it, + And in duty present it, + For the law is against it; +Not only the actors engaged in this job, +But those that encourage and set on the mob: +The mob,[2] a paw word, and which I ne'er mention, +But must in this place, for the sake of distinction. +I hear that some bailiffs and some justices +Have strove what they could, all this rage to suppress; + And I hope many more + Will exert the like power, + Since none will, depend on't, + Get a jot of preferment. +But men of this kidney, as I told you before.-- +I'll tell you a story: Once upon a time, +Some hot-headed fellows must needs take a whim, + And so were so weak + (Twas a mighty mistake) + To pull down and abuse + Bawdy-houses and stews; +Who, tried by the laws of the realm for high-treason, +Were hang'd, drawn, and quarter'd for that very reason. + When the time came about + For us all to set out, +We went to take leave of the queen; + Where were great men of worth, + Great heads and so forth, +The greatest that ever were seen: + And she gave us a large + And particular charge;-- + Good part on't indeed + Is quite out of my head;-- + But I remember she said, +We should recommend peace and good neighbourhood, wheresoever we came; +and so I do here; +For that every one, not only men and their wives, +Should do all that they can to lead peaceable lives; +And told us withal, that she fully expected +A special account how ye all stood affected; +When we've been at St. James's, you'll hear of the matter. + Again then I charge ye, + Ye men of the clergy, + That ye follow the track all + Of your own Bishop Blackall, + And preach, as ye should, + What's savoury and good; + And together all cling, + As it were, in a string; +Not falling out, quarrelling one with another, +Now we're treating with Monsieur,--that son of his mother. + +Then proceeded on the common matters of the law; and concluded: + +Once more, and no more, since few words are best, +I charge you all present, by way of request, + If ye honour, as I do, + Our dear royal widow, + Or have any compassion + For church or the nation; + And would live a long while + In continual smile, + And eat roast and boil, + And not be forgotten, + When ye are dead and rotten; +That ye would be quiet, and peaceably dwell, +And never fall out, but p--s all in a quill. + + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Offspring Blackall. He was made Bishop of Exeter in +1707, and died in 1716.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: Swift hated the word "mob," and insisted that the proper +word to use was "rabble." See "Letters of Swift," edit. Birkbeck Hill, p. +55; and "Prose Works," ix, p. 35, _n.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +PARODY ON THE RECORDER'S SPEECH + +TO HIS GRACE THE DUKE OF ORMOND, 4TH JULY, 1711 + +This city can omit no opportunity of expressing their hearty affection +for her majesty's person and government; and their regard for your grace, +who has the honour of representing her in this kingdom. + +We retain, my lord, a grateful remembrance of the mild and just +Administration of the government of this kingdom by your noble ancestors; +and, when we consider the share your grace had in the happy Revolution, +in 1688, and the many good laws you have procured us since, particularly +that for preventing the farther growth of Popery, we are assured that +that liberty and property, that happy constitution in church and state, +to which we were restored by King William of glorious memory, will +be inviolably preserved under your grace's administration. And we are +persuaded that we cannot more effectually recommend ourselves to your +grace's favour and protection, than by assuring you that we will, to the +utmost of our power, contribute to the honour and safety of her majesty's +government, the maintenance of the succession in the illustrious house +of Hanover, and that we shall at all times oppose the secret and open +attempts of the Pretender, and all his abettors. + + + +THE RECORDER'S SPEECH EXPLAINED BY THE TORIES + +An ancient metropolis, famous of late +For opposing the Church, and for nosing the State, +For protecting sedition and rejecting order, +Made the following speech by their mouth, the Recorder: +First, to tell you the name of this place of renown, +Some still call it Dublin, but most Forster's town. + + +THE SPEECH + +May it please your Grace, +We cannot omit this occasion to tell, +That we love the Queen's person and government well; +Then next, to your Grace we this compliment make, +That our worships regard you, but 'tis for her sake: +Though our mouth be a Whig, and our head a Dissenter, +Yet salute you we must, 'cause you represent her: +Nor can we forget, sir, that some of your line +Did with mildness and peace in this government shine. +But of all your exploits, we'll allow but one fact, +That your Grace has procured us a Popery Act. +By this you may see that the least of your actions +Does conduce still the most to our satisfactions. +And lastly, because in the year eighty-eight +You did early appear in defence of our right, +We give no other proof of your zeal to your Prince; +So we freely forget all your services since. +It's then only we hope, that whilst you rule o'er us, +You'll tread in the steps of King William the glorious, +Whom we're always adoring, tho' hand over head, +For we owe him allegiance, although he be dead; +Which shows that good zeal may be founded in spleen, +Since a dead Prince we worship, to lessen the Queen. +And as for her Majesty, we will defend her +Against our hobgoblin, the Popish Pretender. +Our valiant militia will stoutly stand by her, +Against the sly Jack, and the sturdy High-flier. +She is safe when thus guarded, if Providence bless her, +And Hanover's sure to be next her successor. + Thus ended the speech, but what heart would not pity +His Grace, almost choked with the breath of the City! + + + + +BALLAD + +To the tune of "Commons and Peers." + + A WONDERFUL age + Is now on the stage: +I'll sing you a song, if I can, + How modern Whigs, + Dance forty-one jigs,[1] +But God bless our gracious Queen Anne. + + The kirk with applause + Is established by laws +As the orthodox church of the nation. + The bishops do own + It's as good as their own. +And this, Sir, is call'd moderation. + + It's no riddle now + To let you see how +A church by oppression may speed; + Nor is't banter or jest, + That the kirk faith is best +On the other side of the Tweed. + + For no soil can suit + With every fruit, +Even so, Sir, it is with religion; + The best church by far + Is what grows where you are, +Were it Mahomet's ass or his pigeon. + + Another strange story + That vexes the Tory, +But sure there's no mystery in it, + That a pension and place + Give communicants grace, +Who design to turn tail the next minute. + + For if it be not strange, + That religion should change, +As often as climates and fashions; + Then sure there's no harm, + That one should conform. +To serve their own private occasions. + + Another new dance, + Which of late they advance, +Is to cry up the birth of Pretender, + And those that dare own + The queen heir to the crown, +Are traitors, not fit to defend her. + + The subject's most loyal + That hates the blood royal, +And they for employments have merit, + Who swear queen and steeple + Were made by the people, +And neither have right to inherit. + + The monarchy's fixt, + By making on't mixt, +And by non-resistance o'erthrown; + And preaching obedience + Destroys our allegiance, +And thus the Whigs prop up the throne. + + That viceroy [2] is best, + That would take off the test, +And made a sham speech to attempt it; + But being true blue, + When he found 'twould not do, +Swore, damn him, if ever he meant it. + + 'Tis no news that Tom Double + The nation should bubble, +Nor is't any wonder or riddle, + That a parliament rump + Should play hop, step, and jump, +And dance any jig to his fiddle. + + But now, sir, they tell, + How Sacheverell, +By bringing old doctrines in fashion, + Hath, like a damn'd rogue, + Brought religion in vogue, +And so open'd the eyes of the nation. + + Then let's pray without spleen, + May God bless the queen, +And her fellow-monarchs the people; + May they prosper and thrive, + Whilst I am alive, +And so may the church with the steeple. + + +[Footnote 1: Alluding to the year 1641, when the great rebellion broke +out. _Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: Lord Wharton.] + + + + +ATLAS; OR, THE MINISTER OF STATE[1] + +TO THE LORD TREASURER OXFORD +1710 + + +Atlas, we read in ancient song, +Was so exceeding tall and strong, +He bore the skies upon his back, +Just as the pedler does his pack; +But, as the pedler overpress'd +Unloads upon a stall to rest, +Or, when he can no longer stand +Desires a friend to lend a hand; +So Atlas, lest the ponderous spheres +Should sink, and fall about his ears, +Got Hercules to bear the pile, +That he might sit and rest awhile. + Yet Hercules was not so strong, +Nor could have borne it half so long. +Great statesmen are in this condition; +And Atlas is a politician, +A premier minister of state; +Alcides one of second rate. +Suppose then Atlas ne'er so wise; +Yet, when the weight of kingdoms lies +Too long upon his single shoulders, +Sink down he must, or find upholders. + +[Footnote 1: In these free, and yet complimentary verses, Swift cautions +Oxford against his greatest political error, that affectation of mystery, +and wish of engrossing the whole management of public affairs, which +first disgusted, and then alienated, Harcourt and Bolingbroke. On this +point our author has spoken very fully in the "Free Thoughts upon. The +present State of Affairs."--_Scott_. See "Prose Works," v, +391.--_W. E. B_. ] + + + + +LINES WRITTEN EXTEMPORE ON MR. HARLEY'S BEING STABBED, +AND ADDRESSED TO HIS PHYSICIAN, 1710-11 [1] + +On Britain Europe's safety lies, +Britain is lost if Harley dies: +Harley depends upon your skill: +Think what you save, or what you kill. + +[Footnote 1: For details of Guiscard's murderous attack on Harley, see +Journal to Stella, March 8, 1710-11, "Prose Works," ii.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG + +BEING THE INTENDED SPEECH OF A FAMOUS ORATOR AGAINST PEACE. 1711 + +An orator _dismal_ of _Nottinghamshire,_ +Who has forty years let out his conscience to hire, +Out of zeal for his country, and want of a place, +Is come up, _vi et armis_, to break the queen's peace. +He has vamp'd an old speech, and the court, to their sorrow, +Shall hear him harangue against Prior to-morrow. +When once he begins, he never will flinch, +But repeats the same note a whole day like a Finch.[1] +I have heard all the speech repeated by Hoppy,' +And, "mistakes to prevent, I've obtained a copy." + +THE SPEECH + +Whereas, notwithstanding I am in great pain, +To hear we are making a peace without Spain; +But, most noble senators, 'tis a great shame, +There should be a peace, while I'm _Not-in-game._ +The duke show'd me all his fine house; and the duchess +From her closet brought out a full purse in her clutches: +I talk'd of a peace, and they both gave a start, +His grace swore by G--d, and her grace let a f--t: +My long old-fashion'd pocket was presently cramm'd; +And sooner than vote for a peace I'll be damn'd. + But some will cry turn-coat, and rip up old stories, +How I always pretended to be for the Tories: +I answer; the Tories were in my good graces, +Till all my relations were put into places. +But still I'm in principle ever the same, +And will quit my best friends, while I'm _Not-in-game._ + When I and some others subscribed our names +To a plot for expelling my master King James, +I withdrew my subscription by help of a blot, +And so might discover or gain by the plot: +I had my advantage, and stood at defiance, +For Daniel[2] was got from the den of the lions: +I came in without danger, and was I to blame? +For, rather than hang, I would be _Not-in-game._ + I swore to the queen, that the Prince of Hanover +During her sacred life would never come over: +I made use of a trope; that "an heir to invite, +Was like keeping her monument always in sight." +But, when I thought proper, I alter'd my note; +And in her own hearing I boldly did vote, +That her Majesty stood in great need of a tutor, +And must have an old or a young coadjutor: +For why; I would fain have put all in a flame, +Because, for some reasons, I was _Not-in-game._ + Now my new benefactors have brought me about, +And I'll vote against peace, with Spain or without: +Though the court gives my nephews, and brothers, and cousins, +And all my whole family, places by dozens; +Yet, since I know where a full purse may be found, +And hardly pay eighteen-pence tax in the pound: +Since the Tories have thus disappointed my hopes, +And will neither regard my figures nor tropes, +I'll speech against peace while _Dismal's_ my name, +And be a true Whig, while I'm _Not-in-game._ + + +[Footnote 1: Lord Nottingham's family name.] + +[Footnote 2: This was the Earl's Christian name.] + + + +THE WINDSOR PROPHECY[1] +"About three months ago, at Windsor, a poor knight's widow was buried in +the cloisters. In digging the grave, the sexton struck against a small +leaden coffer, about half a foot in length, and four inches wide. The +poor man, expecting he had discovered a treasure, opened it with some +difficulty; but found only a small parchment, rolled up very fast, put +into a leather case; which case was tied at the top, and sealed with St. +George, the impression on black wax, very rude and gothic. The parchment +was carried to a gentleman of learning, who found in it the following +lines, written in a black old English letter, and in the orthography of +the age, which seems to be about two hundred years ago. I made a shift to +obtain a copy of it; but the transcriber, I find, hath in many parts +altered the spelling to the modern way. The original, as I am informed, +is now in the hands of the ingenious Dr. Woodward, F. R. S. where, I +suppose, the curious will not be refused the satisfaction of seeing it. + +"The lines seem to be a sort of prophecy, and written in verse, as old +prophecies usually are, but in a very hobbling kind of measure. Their +meaning is very dark, if it be any at all; of which the learned reader +can judge better than I: however it be, several persons were of opinion +that they deserved to be published, both as they discover somewhat of the +genius of a former age, and may be an amusement to the +present."--_Swift_. + +The subject of this virulent satire was Elizabeth, Baroness Percy, +daughter and heiress of Josceline, Earl of Northumberland, who died in +1670. She was born in 1666. In 1679 she was married to Henry Cavendish, +Earl of Ogle, who died in 1680. In 1681, she married Thomas Thynne, a man +of great wealth, a friend of the Duke of Monmouth and the Issachar of +Dryden's "Absalom and Achitophel." A few months afterwards, in February +1681-2, Thynne was assassinated in the Haymarket by foreigners, who were +devoted friends of Count Konigsmark, and appear to have acted under his +direction. The Count had been in London shortly before Lady Ogle's +marriage to Thynne, and had then paid his addresses to her. He fled the +day after the murder, but was brought back, and was tried with the +principals as an accessory, but was acquitted. Four months after the +murder of Thynne, his widow was married to Charles Seymour, Duke of +Somerset, on 30th May, 1682, and ultimately became the favourite and +friend of Queen Anne, and a zealous partisan of the Whig party. Hence +Swift's "Prophecy." See "State Trials," vol. ix, and "Notes and +Queries," 1st S., v. 269.--_W. E. B._ + + +When a holy black Swede, the son of Bob,[2] +With a saint[3] at his chin and a seal at his fob, +Shall not see one[4] New-Years-day in that year, +Then let old England make good cheer: +Windsor[5] and Bristol[5] then shall be +Joined together in the Low-countree.[5] +Then shall the tall black Daventry Bird[6] +Speak against peace right many a word; +And some shall admire his coneying wit, +For many good groats his tongue shall slit. +But spight of the Harpy[7] that crawls on all four, +There shall be peace, pardie, and war no more +But England must cry alack and well-a-day, +If the stick be taken from the dead sea.[8] +And, dear Englond, if ought I understond, +Beware of Carrots[9] from Northumberlond. +Carrots sown Thynne a deep root may get, +If so be they are in Somer set: +Their Conyngs[10] mark thou; for I have been told, +They assassine when younge, and poison when old. +Root out these Carrots, O thou,[11] whose name +is backwards and forwards always the same; +And keep thee close to thee always that name +Which backwards and forwards is [12] almost the same. +And, England, wouldst thou be happy still, +Burn those Carrots under a Hill.[13] + + +[Footnote 1: Although Swift was advised by Mrs. Masham "not to let the +Prophecy be published," and he acted on her advice, many copies were +"printed and given about, but not sold." To Stella, Swift writes: "I +doubt not but you will have the Prophecy in Ireland although it is not +published here, only printed copies given to friends." See Journal to +Stella, 26, 27 Dec. 1711, and Jan. 4, 1711-12.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Dr. John Robinson, Bishop of Bristol, one of the +plenipotentiaries at Utrecht.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 3: He was Dean of Windsor, and lord privy seal.] + +[Footnote 4: The New Style, which was not adopted in Great Britain and +Ireland till it was brought in by Lord Chesterfield in 1752, was then +Observed in most parts of Europe. The bishop set out from England the +Latter end of December, O. S.; and on his arrival at Utrecht, by the +Variation of the style, he found January somewhat advanced.] + +[Footnote 5: Alluding to the deanery and bishopric being possessed by the +same person, then at Utrecht.] + +[Footnote 6: Earl of Nottingham.] + +[Footnote 7: Duke of Marlborough.] + +[Footnote 8: The treasurer's wand, taken from Harley, whose second title +was Lord _Mortimer_.] + +[Footnote 9: The Duchess of Somerset.[1]] + +[Footnote 10: Count Konigsmark.[2]] + +[Footnote 11: ANNA.] + +[Footnote 12: MASHAM.] + +[Footnote 13: Lady Masham's maiden name.] + +[embedded footnote 1: She had red hair, _post_, 165. ] + +[embedded footnote 2: Or Coningsmark.] + + + + +CORINNA,[1] A BALLAD +1711-12 + +This day (the year I dare not tell) + Apollo play'd the midwife's part; +Into the world Corinna fell, + And he endued her with his art. + +But Cupid with a Satyr comes; + Both softly to the cradle creep; +Both stroke her hands, and rub her gums, + While the poor child lay fast asleep. + +Then Cupid thus: "This little maid + Of love shall always speak and write;" +"And I pronounce," the Satyr said, + "The world shall feel her scratch and bite." + +Her talent she display'd betimes; + For in a few revolving moons, +She seem'd to laugh and squall in rhymes, + And all her gestures were lampoons. + +At six years old, the subtle jade + Stole to the pantry-door, and found +The butler with my lady's maid: + And you may swear the tale went round. + +She made a song, how little miss + Was kiss'd and slobber'd by a lad: +And how, when master went to p--, + Miss came, and peep'd at all he had. + +At twelve, a wit and a coquette; + Marries for love, half whore, half wife; +Cuckolds, elopes, and runs in debt; + Turns authoress, and is Curll's for life. + +Her common-place book all gallant is, + Of scandal now a cornucopia; +She pours it out in Atalantis + Or memoirs of the New Utopia. + + +[Footnote 1: This ballad refers to some details in the life of Mrs. de la +Riviere Manley, a political writer, who was born about 1672, and died in +July, 1724. The work by which she became famous was "Secret memoirs and +manners of several persons of quality of both sexes, from the New +Atalantis." She was Swift's amanuensis and assistant in "The Examiner," +and succeeded him as Editor. In his Journal to Stella, Jan. 26, 1711-12, +he writes: "Poor Mrs. Manley, the author, is very ill of a dropsy and +sore leg; the printer tells me he is afraid she cannot live long. I am +heartily sorry for her. She has very generous principles for one of her +sort; and a great deal of good sense and invention: She is about forty, +very homely and very fat." Swift's subsequent severe attack upon her in +these verses can only be accounted for, but cannot be excused by, some +change in his political views. See "The Tatler," Nos. 35, 63, _edit. +1786.--W. E. B._] + + + + +THE FABLE OF MIDAS.[1] 1711-12 + +Collated with Stella's copy.--_Forster_. + +Midas, we are in story told,[2] +Turn'd every thing he touch'd to gold: +He chipp'd his bread; the pieces round +Glitter'd like spangles on the ground: +A codling, ere it went his lip in, +Would straight become a golden pippin. +He call'd for drink; you saw him sup +Potable gold in golden cup: +His empty paunch that he might fill, +He suck'd his victuals thro' a quill. +Untouch'd it pass'd between his grinders, +Or't had been happy for gold-finders: +He cock'd his hat, you would have said +Mambrino's[3] helm adorn'd his head; +Whene'er he chanced his hands to lay +On magazines of corn or hay, +Gold ready coin'd appear'd instead +Of paltry provender and bread; +Hence, we are by wise farmers told[4] +Old hay is equal to old gold:[5] +And hence a critic deep maintains +We learn'd to weigh our gold by grains. + This fool had got a lucky hit; +And people fancied he had wit, +Two gods their skill in music tried +And both chose Midas to decide: +He against Ph[oelig]bus' harp decreed, +And gave it for Pan's oaten reed: +The god of wit, to show his grudge, +Clapt asses' ears upon the judge, +A goodly pair, erect and wide, +Which he could neither gild nor hide. + And now the virtue of his hands +Was lost among Pactolus' sands, +Against whose torrent while he swims +The golden scurf peels off his limbs: +Fame spreads the news, and people travel +From far, to gather golden gravel; +Midas, exposed to all their jeers, +Had lost his art, and kept his ears. + This tale inclines the gentle reader +To think upon a certain leader; +To whom, from Midas down, descends +That virtue in the fingers' ends. +What else by perquisites are meant, +By pensions, bribes, and three per cent.? +By places and commissions sold, +And turning dung itself to gold? +By starving in the midst of store, +As t'other Midas did before? + None e'er did modern Midas chuse +Subject or patron of his muse, +But found him thus their merit scan, +That Phoebus must give place to Pan: +He values not the poet's praise, +Nor will exchange his plums [6] for bays. +To Pan alone rich misers call; +And there's the jest, for Pan is ALL. +Here English wits will be to seek, +Howe'er, 'tis all one in the Greek. + Besides, it plainly now appears +Our Midas, too, has ass's ears: +Where every fool his mouth applies, +And whispers in a thousand lies; +Such gross delusions could not pass +Thro' any ears but of an ass. + But gold defiles with frequent touch, +There's nothing fouls the hand so much; +And scholars give it for the cause +Of British Midas' dirty paws; +Which, while the senate strove to scour, +They wash'd away the chemic power.[7] +While he his utmost strength applied, +To swim against this popular tide, +The golden spoils flew off apace, +Here fell a pension, there a place: +The torrent merciless imbibes +Commissions, perquisites, and bribes, +By their own weight sunk to the bottom; +Much good may't do 'em that have caught 'em! +And Midas now neglected stands, +With ass's ears, and dirty hands. + + +[Footnote 1: This cutting satire upon the Duke of Marlborough was written +about the time when he was deprived of his employments. See Journal to +Stella, Feb. 14, 1711-12, "Prose Works," ii, 337.] + +[Footnote 2: Ovid, "Met.," lib. xi; Hyginus, "Fab." 191.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: Almonte and Mambrino, two Saracens of great valour, had each +a golden helmet. Orlando Furioso took Almonte's, and his friend Rinaldo +that of Mambrino. "Orlando Furioso," Canto I, St. 28. And readers of "Don +Quixote" may remember how the knight argued with Sancho Panza that the +barber's bason was the helmet of Mambrino.--"Don Quixote," pt. I, book 3, +ch. 7.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Stella.] + +[Footnote 5: The Duke of Marlborough was accused of having received large +sums, as perquisites, from the contractors, who furnished bread, forage, +etc., to the army.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 6: Scott prints this word "plumes," substituting a false +meaning for the real point of the poem.--_Forster_.] + +[Footnote 7: The result of the investigations of the House of Commons was +the removal of the Duke of Marlborough from his command, and all his +employments.--_Scott_.] + + + + +TOLAND'S INVITATION TO DISMAL[1] TO DINE WITH THE CALVES' HEAD CLUB + +Written A.D. 1712.--_Stella._ +Imitated from Horace, Lib. i, Epist. 5. + +Toland, the Deist, distinguished himself as a party writer in behalf +of the Whigs. He wrote a pamphlet on the demolition of Dunkirk, and +another called "The Art of Reasoning," in which he directly charged +Oxford with the purpose of bringing in the Pretender. The Earl of +Nottingham, here, as elsewhere, called Dismal from his swarthy +complexion, was bred a rigid High-Churchman, and was only induced to +support the Whigs, in their resolutions against a peace, by their +consenting to the bill against occasional conformity. He was so +distinguished for regularity, as to be termed by Rowe + "The sober Earl of Nottingham, + Of sober sire descended."--HOR., _Odes_, ii, 4. +From these points of his character, we may estimate the severity of +the following satire, which represents this pillar of High-Church +principles as invited by the republican Toland to solemnize the 30th +January, by attending the Calves' Head Club.--_Scott_. + + +If, dearest Dismal, you for once can dine +Upon a single dish, and tavern wine, +Toland to you this invitation sends, +To eat the calfs head with your trusty friends. +Suspend awhile your vain ambitious hopes, +Leave hunting after bribes, forget your tropes. +To-morrow we our mystic feast prepare, +Where thou, our latest proselyte, shall share: +When we, by proper signs and symbols, tell, +How by brave hands the royal traitor fell; +The meat shall represent the tyrant's head, +The wine, his blood our predecessors shed; +Whilst an alluding hymn some artist sings, +We toast, Confusion to the race of kings! +At monarchy we nobly show our spight, +And talk, what fools call treason, all the night. + Who, by disgraces or ill fortune sunk, +Feels not his soul enliven'd when he's drunk? +Wine can clear up Godolphin's cloudy face, +And fill Jack Smith with hopes to keep his place: +By force of wine, ev'n Scarborough is brave, +Hal[2] grows more pert, and Somers not so grave: +Wine can give Portland wit, and Cleaveland sense, +Montague learning, Bolton eloquence: +Cholmondeley, when drunk, can never lose his wand; +And Lincoln then imagines he has land. + My province is, to see that all be right, +Glasses and linen clean, and pewter bright; +From our mysterious club to keep out spies, +And Tories (dress'd like waiters) in disguise. +You shall be coupled as you best approve, +Seated at table next the man you love. +Sunderland, Orford, Boyle, and Richmond's grace +Will come; and Hampden shall have Walpole's place; +Wharton, unless prevented by a whore, +Will hardly fail; and there is room for more; +But I love elbow-room whene'er I drink; +And honest Harry is too apt to stink. + Let no pretence of bus'ness make you stay; +Yet take one word of counsel[3] by the way. +If Guernsey calls, send word you're gone abroad; +He'll teaze you with King Charles, and Bishop Laud, +Or make you fast, and carry you to prayers; +But, if he will break in, and walk up stairs, +Steal by the back-door out, and leave him there; +Then order Squash to call a hackney chair. + +[Footnote 1: Collated with Stella's copy.--_Forster_. See Journal to +Stella, July 1, 1712, "Prose Works," ii, 375; and ix, 256, +287.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Right Honourable Henry Boyle.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 3: Scott prints "comfort."--_Forster_.] + + + + +PEACE AND DUNKIRK + +BEING AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG UPON THE SURRENDER +OF DUNKIRK TO GENERAL HILL +1712 + +To the tune of "The King shall enjoy his own again." + +Spite of Dutch friends and English foes, +Poor Britain shall have peace at last: +Holland got towns, and we got blows; + But Dunkirk's ours, we'll hold it fast. + We have got it in a string, + And the Whigs may all go swing, +For among good friends I love to be plain; + All their false deluded hopes + Will, or ought to end in ropes; +"But the Queen shall enjoy her own again." + +Sunderland's run out of his wits, + And Dismal double Dismal looks; +Wharton can only swear by fits, + And strutting Hal is off the hooks; + Old Godolphin, full of spleen, + Made false moves, and lost his Queen: +Harry look'd fierce, and shook his ragged mane: + But a Prince of high renown + Swore he'd rather lose a crown, +"Than the Queen should enjoy her own again." + +Our merchant-ships may cut the line, + And not be snapt by privateers. +And commoners who love good wine + Will drink it now as well as peers: + Landed men shall have their rent, + Yet our stocks rise _cent, per cent._ +The Dutch from hence shall no more millions drain: + We'll bring on us no more debts, + Nor with bankrupts fill gazettes; +"And the Queen shall enjoy her own again." + +The towns we took ne'er did us good: + What signified the French to beat? +We spent our money and our blood, + To make the Dutchmen proud and great: + But the Lord of Oxford swears, + Dunkirk never shall be theirs. +The Dutch-hearted Whigs may rail and complain; + But true Englishmen may fill + A good health to General Hill: +"For the Queen now enjoys her own again." + + + + +HORACE, EPIST. I, VII +IMITATION OF HORACE +TO LORD OXFORD, A.D. 1713[1] + + +Harley, the nation's great support, +Returning home one day from court, +His mind with public cares possest, +All Europe's business in his breast, +Observed a parson near Whitehall, +Cheap'ning old authors on a stall. +The priest was pretty well in case, +And show'd some humour in his face; +Look'd with an easy, careless mien, +A perfect stranger to the spleen; +Of size that might a pulpit fill, +But more inclining to sit still. +My lord, (who, if a man may say't, +Loves mischief better than his meat), +Was now disposed to crack a jest +And bid friend Lewis[2] go in quest. +(This Lewis was a cunning shaver, +And very much in Harley's favour)-- +In quest who might this parson be, +What was his name, of what degree; +If possible, to learn his story, +And whether he were Whig or Tory. + Lewis his patron's humour knows; +Away upon his errand goes, +And quickly did the matter sift; +Found out that it was Doctor Swift, +A clergyman of special note +For shunning those of his own coat; +Which made his brethren of the gown +Take care betimes [3] to run him down: +No libertine, nor over nice, +Addicted to no sort of vice; +Went where he pleas'd, said what he thought; +Not rich, but owed no man a groat; +In state opinions a la mode, +He hated Wharton like a toad; +Had given the faction many a wound, +And libell'd all the junto round; +Kept company with men of wit, +Who often father'd what he writ: +His works were hawk'd in ev'ry street, +But seldom rose above a sheet: +Of late, indeed, the paper-stamp +Did very much his genius cramp; +And, since he could not spend his fire, +He now intended[4] to retire. + Said Harley, "I desire to know +From his own mouth, if this be so: +Step to the doctor straight, and say, +I'd have him dine with me to-day." +Swift seem'd to wonder what he meant, +Nor could believe my lord had sent; +So never offer'd once to stir, +But coldly said, "Your servant, sir!" +"Does he refuse me?" Harley cry'd: +"He does; with insolence and pride." + Some few days after, Harley spies +The doctor fasten'd by the eyes +At Charing-cross, among the rout, +Where painted monsters are hung out: +He pull'd the string, and stopt his[5] coach, +Beck'ning the doctor to approach. +Swift, who could[6] neither fly nor hide, +Came sneaking to[7] the chariot side, +And offer'd many a lame excuse: +He never meant the least abuse-- +"My lord--the honour you design'd-- +Extremely proud--but I had dined-- +I am sure I never should neglect-- +No man alive has more respect"-- +Well, I shall think of that no more, +If you'll be sure to come at four." + The doctor now obeys the summons, +Likes both his company and commons; +Displays his talent, sits till ten; +Next day invited, comes again; +Soon grows domestic, seldom fails, +Either at morning or at meals; +Came early, and departed late; +In short, the gudgeon took the bait. +My lord would carry on the jest, +And down to Windsor takes his guest. +Swift much admires the place and air, +And longs to be a Canon there; +In summer round the Park to ride, +In winter--never to reside. +A Canon!--that's a place too mean: +No, doctor, you shall be a Dean; +Two dozen canons round your stall, +And you the tyrant o'er them all: +You need but cross the Irish seas, +To live in plenty, power, and ease. +Poor Swift departed, and, what's worse, +With borrow'd money in his purse, +Travels at least a hundred leagues, +And suffers numberless fatigues. + Suppose him now a dean complete, +Demurely[8] lolling in his seat, +And silver verge, with decent pride, +Stuck underneath his cushion side. +Suppose him gone through all vexations, +Patents, instalments, abjurations, +First-fruits, and tenths, and chapter-treats; +Dues, payments, fees, demands, and cheats. +(The wicked laity's contriving +To hinder clergymen from thriving.) +Now all the doctor's money's spent, +His tenants wrong him in his rent, +The farmers spitefully combine, +Force him to take his tithes in kine, +And Parvisol[9] discounts arrears +By bills, for taxes and repairs. + Poor Swift, with all his losses vex'd, +Not knowing where to turn him next, +Above a thousand pounds in debt, +Takes horse, and in a mighty fret +Rides day and night at such a rate, +He soon arrives at Harley's gate; +But was so dirty, pale, and thin, +Old Read[10] would hardly let him in. + Said Harley, "Welcome, rev'rend dean! +What makes your worship look so lean? +Why, sure you won't appear in town +In that old wig and rusty gown? +I doubt your heart is set on pelf +So much that you neglect yourself. +What! I suppose, now stocks are high, +You've some good purchase in your eye? +Or is your money out at use?"-- + "Truce, good my lord, I beg a truce!" +The doctor in a passion cry'd, +"Your raillery is misapply'd; +Experience I have[11] dearly bought; +You know I am not worth a groat: +But you resolved to have your jest, +And 'twas a folly to contest; +Then, since you now have done your worst, +Pray leave me where you found me first." + + +[Footnote 1: Collated with Stella's copy.--_Forster_.] + +[Footnote 2: Erasmus Lewis, Esq., the treasurer's secretary.] + +[Footnote 3: By time.--_Stella_.] + +[Footnote 4: Is now contented,--_Stella._] + +[Footnote 5: The.--_Stella._] + +[Footnote 6: Would.--_Stella._] + +[Footnote 7: By.--_Stella._] + +[Footnote 8: "Devoutly" is the word in Stella's transcript: but it must +be admitted that "demurely" is more in keeping.--_Forster_.] + +[Footnote 9: The Dean's agent, a Frenchman.] + +[Footnote 10: The lord treasurer's porter.] + +[Footnote 11: I have experience.--_Stella_.] + + + + +THE AUTHOR UPON HIMSELF + +1713 + + +A few of the first lines were wanting in the copy sent us by a friend of +the Author's from London.--_Dublin Edition_. + + * * * * * + * * * * * + * * By an old ---- pursued, +A crazy prelate,[1] and a royal prude;[2] +By dull divines, who look with envious eyes +On ev'ry genius that attempts to rise; +And pausing o'er a pipe, with doubtful nod, +Give hints, that poets ne'er believe in God. +So clowns on scholars as on wizards look, +And take a folio for a conj'ring book. + Swift had the sin of wit, no venial crime: +Nay, 'twas affirm'd, he sometimes dealt in rhyme; +Humour and mirth had place in all he writ; +He reconcil'd divinity and wit: +He moved and bow'd, and talk'd with too much grace; +Nor show'd the parson in his gait or face; +Despised luxurious wines and costly meat; +Yet still was at the tables of the great; +Frequented lords; saw those that saw the queen; +At Child's or Truby's,[3] never once had been; +Where town and country vicars flock in tribes, +Secured by numbers from the laymen's gibes; +And deal in vices of the graver sort, +Tobacco, censure, coffee, pride, and port. + But, after sage monitions from his friends, +His talents to employ for nobler ends; +To better judgments willing to submit, +He turns to politics his dang'rous wit. + And now, the public Int'rest to support, +By Harley Swift invited, comes to court; +In favour grows with ministers of state; +Admitted private, when superiors wait: +And Harley, not ashamed his choice to own, +Takes him to Windsor in his coach alone. +At Windsor Swift no sooner can appear, +But St. John comes, and whispers in his ear: +The waiters stand in ranks: the yeomen cry, +_Make room_, as if a duke were passing by. + Now Finch[4] alarms the lords: he hears for certain +This dang'rous priest is got behind the curtain. +Finch, famed for tedious elocution, proves +That Swift oils many a spring which Harley moves. +Walpole and Aislaby,[5] to clear the doubt, +Inform the Commons, that the secret's out: +"A certain doctor is observed of late +To haunt a certain minister of state: +From whence with half an eye we may discover +The peace is made, and Perkin must come over." + York is from Lambeth sent, to show the queen +A dang'rous treatise[6] writ against the spleen; +Which, by the style, the matter, and the drift, +'Tis thought could be the work of none but Swift. +Poor York! the harmless tool of others' hate; +He sues for pardon,[7] and repents too late. + Now angry Somerset her vengeance vows +On Swift's reproaches for her ******* spouse:[8] +From her red locks her mouth with venom fills, +And thence into the royal ear instils. +The queen incensed, his services forgot, +Leaves him a victim to the vengeful Scot.[9] +Now through the realm a proclamation spread, +To fix a price on his devoted head.[10] +While innocent, he scorns ignoble flight; +His watchful friends preserve him by a sleight. + By Harley's favour once again he shines; +Is now caress'd by candidate divines, +Who change opinions with the changing scene: +Lord! how were they mistaken in the dean! +Now Delawar[11] again familiar grows; +And in Swift's ear thrusts half his powder'd nose. +The Scottish nation, whom he durst offend, +Again apply that Swift would be their friend.[12] + By faction tired, with grief he waits awhile, +His great contending friends to reconcile; +Performs what friendship, justice, truth require: +What could he more, but decently retire? + + +[Footnote 1: Dr. John Sharpe, who, for some unbecoming reflections in his +sermons, had been suspended, May 14, 1686, was raised from the Deanery of +Canterbury, to the Archbishopric of York, July 5, 1691; and died February +2, 1712-13. According to Dr. Swift's account, the archbishop had +represented him to the queen as a person that was not a Christian; the +great lady [the Duchess of Somerset] had supported the aspersion; and the +queen, upon such assurances, had given away the bishopric contrary to her +majesty's first intentions [which were in favour of Swift]. See Orrery's +"Remarks on the Life of Swift," p. 48.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Queen Anne.] + +[Footnote 3: Coffeehouses frequented by the clergy. In the preceding +poem, Swift gives the same trait of his own character: + "A clergyman of special note + For shunning those of his own coat." +His feeling towards his order was exactly the reverse of his celebrated +misanthropical expression of hating mankind, but loving individuals. On +the contrary, he loved the church, but disliked associating with +individual clergymen.--_Scott._ See his letter to Pope, Sept. 29, 1725, +in Pope's Works, edit. Elwin and Courthope, vii, 53, and the unjust +remarks of the commentators.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Daniel Finch, Earl of Nottingham, who made a speech in the +House of Lords against the author.] + +[Footnote 5: John Aislaby, then M.P. for Ripon. They both spoke against +him in the House of Commons.--_Scott._] + +[Footnote 6: The Tale of a Tub.] + +[Footnote 7: He sent a message to the author to desire his pardon, and +that he was very sorry for what he had said and done.] + +[Footnote 8: Insert _murder'd_. The duchess's first husband, Thomas +Thynne, Esq., was assassinated in Pall Mall by banditti, the emissaries +of Count Koenigsmark. As the motive of this crime was the count's love to +the lady, with whom Thynne had never cohabited, Swift seems to throw upon +her the imputation of being privy to the crime. See the "Windsor +Prophecy," _ante_, p. 150.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 9: The Duke of Argyle.] + +[Footnote 10: For writing "The Public Spirit of the Whigs."] + +[Footnote 11: Then lord-treasurer of the household, who cautiously +avoided Swift while the proclamation was impending.] + +[Footnote 12: He was visited by the Scots lords more than ever.] + + + + +THE FAGOT[1] + +Written in the year 1713, when the Queen's ministers were quarrelling +among themselves. + + +Observe the dying father speak: +Try, lads, can you this bundle break? +Then bids the youngest of the six +Take up a well-bound heap of sticks. +They thought it was an old man's maggot; +And strove, by turns, to break the fagot: +In vain: the complicated wands +Were much too strong for all their hands. +See, said the sire, how soon 'tis done: +Then took and broke them one by one. +So strong you'll be, in friendship ty'd; +So quickly broke, if you divide. +Keep close then, boys, and never quarrel: +Here ends the fable, and the moral. + This tale may be applied in few words, +To treasurers, comptrollers, stewards; +And others, who, in solemn sort, +Appear with slender wands at court; +Not firmly join'd to keep their ground, +But lashing one another round: +While wise men think they ought to fight +With quarterstaffs instead of white; +Or constable, with staff of peace, +Should come and make the clatt'ring cease; +Which now disturbs the queen and court, +And gives the Whigs and rabble sport. + In history we never found +The consul's fasces[2] were unbound: +Those Romans were too wise to think on't, +Except to lash some grand delinquent, +How would they blush to hear it said, +The praetor broke the consul's head! +Or consul in his purple gown, +Came up and knock'd the praetor down! + Come, courtiers: every man his stick! +Lord treasurer,[3] for once be quick: +And that they may the closer cling, +Take your blue ribbon for a string. +Come, trimming Harcourt,[4] bring your mace; +And squeeze it in, or quit your place: +Dispatch, or else that rascal Northey[5] +Will undertake to do it for thee: +And be assured, the court will find him +Prepared to leap o'er sticks, or bind them. + To make the bundle strong and safe, +Great Ormond, lend thy general's staff: +And, if the crosier could be cramm'd in +A fig for Lechmere, King, and Hambden! +You'll then defy the strongest Whig +With both his hands to bend a twig; +Though with united strength they all pull, +From Somers,[6] down to Craggs[7] and Walpole. + + +[Footnote 1: This fable is one of the vain remonstrances by which Swift +strove to close the breach between Oxford and Bolingbroke, in the last +period of their administration, which, to use Swift's own words, was +"nothing else but a scene of murmuring and discontent, quarrel and +misunderstanding, animosity and hatred;" so that these two great men had +scarcely a common friend left, except the author himself, who laboured +with unavailing zeal to reconcile their dissensions.--_Scott._ With this +exception, the notes are from the Dublin Edition.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: The bundle of rods carried before the Consuls at Rome.] + +[Footnote 3: The dilatory Earl of Oxford.] + +[Footnote 4: Lord Chancellor.] + +[Footnote 5: Sir Edward Northey, attorney-general, brought in by Lord +Harcourt; yet very desirous of the Great Seal.] + +[Footnote 6: Who had been at different times Lord Chancellor and +President of the Council.] + +[Footnote 7: Afterwards Secretary of State]. + + + + +IMITATION +OF PART OF THE SIXTH SATIRE OF THE SECOND BOOK OF HORACE.[1] 1714 + + +I often wish'd that I had clear, +For life, six hundred pounds a-year, +A handsome house to lodge a friend, +A river at my garden's end, +A terrace walk, and half a rood +Of land, set out to plant a wood. + Well, now I have all this and more, +I ask not to increase my store;[2] +But should be perfectly content, +Could I but live on this side Trent;[3] +Nor cross the channel twice a-year, +To spend six months with statesmen here. + I must by all means come to town, +'Tis for the service of the crown. +"Lewis, the Dean will be of use; +Send for him up, take no excuse." +The toil, the danger of the seas, +Great ministers ne'er think of these; +Or let it cost a hundred pound, +No matter where the money's found, +It is but so much more in debt, +And that they ne'er consider'd yet. + "Good Mr. Dean, go change your gown, +Let my lord know you're come to town." +I hurry me in haste away, +Not thinking it is levee-day; +And find his honour in a pound, +Hemm'd by a triple circle round, +Chequer'd with ribbons blue and green: +How should I thrust myself between? +Some wag observes me thus perplex'd, +And, smiling, whispers to the next, +"I thought the Dean had been too proud, +To justle here among a crowd!" +Another, in a surly fit, +Tells me I have more zeal than wit. +"So eager to express your love, +You ne'er consider whom you shove, +But rudely press before a duke." +I own I'm pleased with this rebuke, +And take it kindly meant, to show +What I desire the world should know. + I get a whisper, and withdraw; +When twenty fools I never saw +Come with petitions fairly penn'd, +Desiring I would stand their friend. + This humbly offers me his case; +That begs my interest for a place; +A hundred other men's affairs, +Like bees, are humming in my ears. +"To-morrow my appeal comes on; +Without your help, the cause is gone--" +"The duke expects my lord and you, +About some great affair, at two--" +"Put my Lord Bolingbroke in mind, +To get my warrant quickly sign'd: +Consider, 'tis my first request."-- +Be satisfied I'll do my best: +Then presently he falls to tease, +"You may for certain, if you please; +I doubt not if his lordship knew--- +And Mr. Dean, one word from you[4]----" + 'Tis (let me see) three years and more, +(October next it will be four,) +Since Harley bid me first attend,[5] +And chose me for an humble friend; +Would take me in his coach to chat, +And question me of this and that; +As "What's o'clock?" And, "How's the wind?" +"Whose chariot's that we left behind?" +Or gravely try to read the lines +Writ underneath the country signs;[6] +And mark at Brentford how they spell +Hear is good Eal and Bear to cell. +Or, "Have you nothing new to-day +To shew from Parnell, Pope and Gay?" +Such tattle often entertains +My lord and me as far as Staines, +As once a-week we travel down +To Windsor, and again to town; +Where all that passes _inter nos_ +Might be proclaim'd at Charing-cross. + Yet some I know with envy swell, +Because they see me used so well: +"How think you of our friend the Dean? +I wonder what some people mean! +My lord and he are grown so great, +Always together, _tete-a-tete_; +What! they admire him for his jokes?-- +See but the fortune of some folks!" + There flies about a strange report +Of mighty news arrived at court: +I'm stopp'd by all the fools I meet, +And catechised in every street. +"You, Mr. Dean, frequent the great: +Inform us, will the emperor treat? +Or do the prints and papers lie?" +Faith, sir, you know as much as I. +"Ah, Doctor, how you love to jest! +'Tis now no secret"--I protest +It's one to me--"Then tell us, pray, +When are the troops to have their pay?" +And, though I solemnly declare +I know no more than my lord mayor, +They stand amazed, and think me grown +The closest mortal ever known. +Thus in a sea of folly toss'd, +My choicest[7] hours of life are lost: +Yet always wishing to retreat, +O, could I see my country-seat! +There leaning near a gentle brook, +Sleep, or peruse some ancient book; +And there in sweet oblivion drown +Those cares that haunt the court and town.[8] + + +[Footnote 1: Collated with Stella's copy in the Duke of Bedford's +volume.--_Forster._] + +[Footnote 2: Here followed twenty lines inserted by Pope when he +published the Miscellanies. The version is here printed as written by +Swift.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: Swift was perpetually expressing his deep discontent at his +Irish preferment, and forming schemes for exchanging it for a smaller in +England, and courted Queen Caroline and Sir Robert Walpole to effect such +a change. A negotiation had nearly taken place between the Dean and Mr. +Talbot for the living of Burfield, in Berkshire. Mr. Talbot himself +informed me of this negotiation. Burfield is in the neighbourhood of +Bucklebury, Lord Bolingbroke's seat.--_Warton._] + +[Footnote 4: Very happily turned from "Si vis, potes----."--_Warton._] + +[Footnote 5: The rise and progress of Swift's intimacy with Lord Oxford +is minutely detailed in his Journal to Stella. And the reasons why a man, +that served the ministry so effectually, was so tardily, and so +difficultly, and so poorly rewarded, are explained in Sheridan's Life of +Swift. See also Coxe's "Memoirs of Walpole." Both Gay and Swift conceived +every thing was to be gained by the interest of Mrs. Howard, to whom they +paid incessant court.--_Bowles._] + +[Footnote 6: Another of their amusements in these excursions consisted in +Lord Oxford and Swift's counting the poultry on the road, and whichever +reckoned thirty-one first, or saw a cat, or an old woman, won the game. +Bolingbroke, overtaking them one day in their road to Windsor, got into +Lord Oxford's coach, and began some political conversation; Lord Oxford +said, "Swift, I am up; there is a cat." Bolingbroke was disgusted with +this levity, and went again into his own carriage. This was + "Nugari et discincti ludere," [HORAT., _Sat._, ii, I, 73] +with a witness.--_Warton._] + +[Footnote 7: Stella's transcript, "sweetest."--_Forster._] + +[Footnote 8: Thus far was translated by Dr. Swift in 1714. The remaining +part of the satire was afterwards added by Pope, in whose works the whole +is printed. See Pope's Works, edit. Elwin and Courthope.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +HORACE, BOOK II, ODE I, PARAPHRASED +ADDRESSED TO RICHARD STEELE, ESQ. 1714 + + +Dick, thou'rt resolved, as I am told, +Some strange arcana to unfold, +And with the help of Buckley's[1] pen, +To vamp the good old cause again: +Which thou (such Burnet's shrewd advice is) +Must furbish up, and nickname Crisis. +Thou pompously wilt let us know +What all the world knew long ago, +(E'er since Sir William Gore was mayor, +And Harley fill'd the commons' chair,) +That we a German prince must own, +When Anne for Heaven resigns her throne. +But, more than that, thou'lt keep a rout, +With--who is in--and who is out; +Thou'lt rail devoutly at the peace, +And all its secret causes trace, +The bucket-play 'twixt Whigs and Tories, +Their ups and downs, with fifty stories +Of tricks the Lord of Oxford knows, +And errors of our plenipoes. +Thou'lt tell of leagues among the great, +Portending ruin to our state: +And of that dreadful _coup d'eclat_, +Which has afforded thee much chat. +The queen, forsooth! (despotic,) gave +Twelve coronets without thy leave! +A breach of liberty, 'tis own'd, +For which no heads have yet atoned! +Believe me, what thou'st undertaken +May bring in jeopardy thy bacon; +For madmen, children, wits, and fools, +Should never meddle with edged tools. +But, since thou'st got into the fire, +And canst not easily retire, +Thou must no longer deal in farce, +Nor pump to cobble wicked verse; +Until thou shall have eased thy conscience, +Of spleen, of politics, and nonsense; +And, when thou'st bid adieu to cares, +And settled Europe's grand affairs, +'Twill then, perhaps, be worth thy while +For Drury Lane to shape thy style: +"To make a pair of jolly fellows, +The son and father, join to tell us, +How sons may safely disobey, +And fathers never should say nay; +By which wise conduct they grow friends +At last--and so the story ends."[2] +When first I knew thee, Dick, thou wert +Renown'd for skill in Faustus' art;[3] +Which made thy closet much frequented +By buxom lasses--some repented +Their luckless choice of husbands--others +Impatient to be like their mothers, +Received from thee profound directions +How best to settle their affections. +Thus thou, a friend to the distress'd, +Didst in thy calling do thy best. + But now the senate (if things hit, +And thou at Stockbridge[4] wert not bit) +Must feel thy eloquence and fire, +Approve thy schemes, thy wit admire, +Thee with immortal honours crown, +While, patriot-like, thou'lt strut and frown. + What though by enemies 'tis said, +The laurel, which adorns thy head, +Must one day come in competition, +By virtue of some sly petition: +Yet mum for that; hope still the best, +Nor let such cares disturb thy rest. + Methinks I hear thee loud as trumpet, +As bagpipe shrill or oyster-strumpet; +Methinks I see thee, spruce and fine, +With coat embroider'd richly shine, +And dazzle all the idol faces, +As through the hall thy worship paces; +(Though this I speak but at a venture, +Supposing thou hast tick with Hunter,) +Methinks I see a blackguard rout +Attend thy coach, and hear them shout +In approbation of thy tongue, +Which (in their style) is purely hung. +Now! now you carry all before you! +Nor dares one Jacobite or Tory +Pretend to answer one syl-lable, +Except the matchless hero Abel.[5] +What though her highness and her spouse, +In Antwerp[6] keep a frugal house, +Yet, not forgetful of a friend, +They'll soon enable thee to spend, +If to Macartney[7] thou wilt toast, +And to his pious patron's ghost. +Now, manfully thou'lt run a tilt +"On popes, for all the blood they've spilt, +For massacres, and racks, and flames, +For lands enrich'd by crimson streams, +For inquisitions taught by Spain, +Of which the Christian world complain." +Dick, we agree--all's true thou'st said, +As that my Muse is yet a maid. +But, if I may with freedom talk, +All this is foreign to thy walk: +Thy genius has perhaps a knack +At trudging in a beaten track, +But is for state affairs as fit +As mine for politics and wit. +Then let us both in time grow wise, +Nor higher than our talents rise; +To some snug cellar let's repair, +From duns and debts, and drown our care; +Now quaff of honest ale a quart, +Now venture at a pint of port; +With which inspired, we'll club each night +Some tender sonnet to indite, +And with Tom D'Urfey, Phillips, Dennis, +Immortalize our Dolls and Jennys. + + +[Footnote 1: Samuel Buckley, publisher of "The Crisis."] + +[Footnote 2: This is said to be a plot of a comedy with which Mr. Steele +has long threatened the town.--_Swift._] + +[Footnote 3: Alluding to Steele's advice in "The Tatler" to distressed +females, in his character of Bickerstaff.] + +[Footnote 4: The borough which, for a very short time, Steele represented +in Parliament.] + +[Footnote 5: Abel Roper, the printer and publisher of a Tory newspaper +called "The Post Boy," often mentioned by Swift, who contributed news to +it. See "Prose Works," ii, 420; v, 290; ix, 183.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 6: The Duke and Duchess of Marlborough then resided at +Antwerp.] + +[Footnote 7: General Macartney, second to Lord Mohun, in the fatal duel +with the Duke of Hamilton. For an account of the duel, see Journal to +Stella of Nov. 15, 1712, "Prose Works," ii, and x, xxii, and +178.--W. E. B._] + + + + +DENNIS' INVITATION TO STEELE + +HORACE, BOOK I, EP. V + +JOHN DENNIS, THE SHELTERING POET'S INVITATION TO RICHARD STEELE, +THE SECLUDED PARTY-WRITER AND MEMBER, +TO COME AND LIVE WITH HIM, IN THE MINT 1714 + + +Fit to be bound up with "The Crisis" + +If thou canst lay aside a spendthrift's air, +And condescend to feed on homely fare, +Such as we minters, with ragouts unstored, +Will, in defiance of the law, afford: +Quit thy patrols with Toby's Christmas box,[1] +And come to me at The Two Fighting Cocks; +Since printing by subscription now is grown +The stalest, idlest cheat about the town; +And ev'n Charles Gildon, who, a Papist bred, +Has an alarm against that worship spread, +Is practising those beaten paths of cruising, +And for new levies on proposals musing. + 'Tis true, that Bloomsbury-square's a noble place: +But what are lofty buildings in thy case? +What's a fine house embellish'd to profusion, +Where shoulder dabbers are in execution? +Or whence its timorous tenant seldom sallies, +But apprehensive of insulting bailiffs? +This once be mindful of a friend's advice, +And cease to be improvidently nice; +Exchange the prospects that delude thy sight, +From Highgate's steep ascent and Hampstead's height, +With verdant scenes, that, from St. George's Field, +More durable and safe enjoyments yield. + Here I, even I, that ne'er till now could find +Ease to my troubled and suspicious mind, +But ever was with jealousies possess'd, +Am in a state of indolence and rest; +Fearful no more of Frenchmen in disguise, +Nor looking upon strangers as on spies,[2] +But quite divested of my former spleen, +Am unprovoked without, and calm within: +And here I'll wait thy coming, till the sun +Shall its diurnal course completely run. +Think not that thou of sturdy bub shalt fail, +My landlord's cellar stock'd with beer and ale, +With every sort of malt that is in use, +And every country's generous produce. +The ready (for here Christian faith is sick, +Which makes us seldom trespass upon tick) +Instantly brings the choicest liquors out, +Whether we ask for home-brew'd or for stout, +For mead or cider, or, with dainties fed, +Ring for a flask or two of white or red, +Such as the drawer will not fail to swear +Was drunk by Pilkington[3]when third time mayor. +That name, methinks, so popularly known +For opposition to the church and crown, +Might make the Lusitanian grape to pass, +And almost give a sanction to the glass; +Especially with thee, whose hasty zeal +Against the late rejected commerce bill +Made thee rise up, like an audacious elf, +To do the speaker honour, not thyself. + But if thou soar'st above the common prices, +By virtue of subscription to thy Crisis, +And nothing can go down with thee but wines +Press'd from Burgundian and Campanian vines, +Bid them be brought; for, though I hate the French, +I love their liquors, as thou lovest a wench; +Else thou must humble thy expensive taste, +And, with us, hold contentment for a feast. + The fire's already lighted; and the maid +Has a clean cloth upon the table laid, +Who never on a Saturday had struck, +But for thy entertainment, up a buck. +Think of this act of grace, which by your leave +Susan would not have done on Easter Eve, +Had she not been inform'd over and over, +'Twas for th'ingenious author of The Lover.[4] + Cease, therefore, to beguile thyself with hopes, +Which is no more than making sandy ropes, +And quit the vain pursuit of loud applause, +That must bewilder thee in faction's cause. +Pr'ythee what is't to thee who guides the state? +Why Dunkirk's demolition is so late? +Or why her majesty thinks fit to cease +The din of war, and hush the world to peace? +The clergy too, without thy aid, can tell +What texts to choose, and on what topics dwell; +And, uninstructed by thy babbling, teach +Their flocks celestial happiness to reach. +Rather let such poor souls as you and I, +Say that the holidays are drawing nigh, +And that to-morrow's sun begins the week, +Which will abound with store of ale and cake, +With hams of bacon, and with powder'd beef, +Stuff d to give field-itinerants relief. + Then I, who have within these precincts kept, +And ne'er beyond the chimney-sweeper's stept, +Will take a loose, and venture to be seen, +Since 'twill be Sunday, upon Shanks's green; +There, with erected looks and phrase sublime, +To talk of unity of place and time, +And with much malice, mix'd with little satire, +Explode the wits on t'other side o' th' water. + Why has my Lord Godolphin's special grace +Invested me with a queen's waiter's place, +If I, debarr'd of festival delights, +Am not allow'd to spend the perquisites? +He's but a short remove from being mad, +Who at a time of jubilee is sad, +And, like a griping usurer, does spare +His money to be squander'd by his heir; +Flutter'd away in liveries and in coaches, +And washy sorts of feminine debauches. +As for my part, whate'er the world may think, +I'll bid adieu to gravity, and drink; +And, though I can't put off a woful mien, +Will be all mirth and cheerfulness within: +As, in despight of a censorious race, +I most incontinently suck my face. +What mighty projects does not he design, +Whose stomach flows, and brain turns round with wine? +Wine, powerful wine, can thaw the frozen cit, +And fashion him to humour and to wit; +Makes even Somers to disclose his art +By racking every secret from his heart, +As he flings off the statesman's sly disguise, +To name the cuckold's wife with whom he lies.[5] +Ev'n Sarum, when he quaffs it'stead of tea, +Fancies himself in Canterbury's see, +And S****, when he carousing reels, +Imagines that he has regain'd the seals: +W****, by virtue of his juice, can fight, +And Stanhope of commissioners make light. +Wine gives Lord Wingham aptitude of parts, +And swells him with his family's deserts: +Whom can it not make eloquent of speech; +Whom in extremest poverty not rich? +Since, by the means of the prevailing grape, +Th***n can Lechmere's warmth not only ape, +But, half seas o'er, by its inspiring bounties, +Can qualify himself in several counties. +What I have promised, thou may'st rest assured +Shall faithfully and gladly be procured. +Nay, I'm already better than my word, +New plates and knives adorn the jovial board: +And, lest you at their sight shouldst make wry faces +The girl has scour'd the pots, and wash'd the glasses +Ta'en care so excellently well to clean 'em, +That thou may'st see thine own dear picture in 'em. + Moreover, due provision has been made, +That conversation may not be betray'd; +I have no company but what is proper +To sit with the most flagrant Whig at supper. +There's not a man among them but must please, +Since they're as like each other as are pease. +Toland and Hare have jointly sent me word +They'll come; and Kennet thinks to make a third, +Provided he's no other invitation +From men of greater quality and station. +Room will for Oldmixon and J--s be left: +But their discourses smell so much of theft, +There would be no abiding in the room, +Should two such ignorant pretenders come. +However, by this trusty bearer write, +If I should any other scabs invite; +Though, if I may my serious judgment give, +I'm wholly for King Charles's number five: +That was the stint in which that monarch fix'd, +Who would not be with noisiness perplex'd: +And that, if thou'lt agree to think it best, +Shall be our tale of heads, without one other guest. + I've nothing more, now this is said, to say, +But to request thou'lt instantly away, +And leave the duties of thy present post, +To some well-skill'd retainer in a host: +Doubtless he'll carefully thy place supply, +And o'er his grace's horses have an eye. +While thou, who slunk thro' postern more than once, +Dost by that means avoid a crowd of duns, +And, crossing o'er the Thames at Temple Stairs, +Leav'st Phillips with good words to cheat their ears. + + +[Footnote 1: Allusion to a pamphlet written against Steele, under the +name of Toby (Edward King), Abel Roper's kinsman and shopman.] + +[Footnote 2: Dennis had a notion, that he was much dreaded by the French +for his writings, and actually fled from the coast, on hearing that some +unknown strangers had approached the town, where he was residing, never +doubting that they were the messengers of Gallic vengeance. At the time +of the peace of Utrecht, he was anxious for the introduction of a clause +for his special protection, and was hardly consoled by the Duke of +Marlborough's assurances, that he did not think such a precaution +necessary in his own case, although he had been almost as obnoxious to +France as Mr. Dennis.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 3: Sir Thomas Pilkington, a leading member of the Skinners' +Company, and a staunch Whig. He was elected Lord Mayor for the third time +In 1690, and died in 1691.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: A comedy by Steele.] + +[Footnote 5: See the Examiner, "Prose Works," ix, 171 _n._, for the +grounds of this charge.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +IN SICKNESS + +WRITTEN IN OCTOBER, 1714 + +Soon after the author's coming to live in Ireland, upon the Queen's +death.[1]--_Swift_. + +'Tis true--then why should I repine +To see my life so fast decline? +But why obscurely here alone, +Where I am neither loved nor known? +My state of health none care to learn; +My life is here no soul's concern: +And those with whom I now converse +Without a tear will tend my hearse. +Removed from kind Arbuthnot's aid, +Who knows his art, but not his trade, +Preferring his regard for me +Before his credit, or his fee. +Some formal visits, looks, and words, +What mere humanity affords, +I meet perhaps from three or four, +From whom I once expected more; +Which those who tend the sick for pay, +Can act as decently as they: +But no obliging, tender friend, +To help at my approaching end. +My life is now a burthen grown +To others, ere it be my own. + Ye formal weepers for the sick, +In your last offices be quick; +And spare my absent friends the grief +To hear, yet give me no relief; +Expired to-day, entomb'd to-morrow, +When known, will save a double sorrow. + +[Footnote 1: Queen Anne died 1st August, 1714.] + + + + +THE FABLE OF THE BITCHES[1] + +WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1715, ON AN ATTEMPT TO REPEAL THE TEST ACT + + +A bitch, that was full pregnant grown +By all the dogs and curs in town, +Finding her ripen'd time was come, +Her litter teeming from her womb, +Went here, and there, and everywhere, +To find an easy place to lay her. + At length to Music's house[2] she came, +And begg'd like one both blind and lame; +"My only friend, my dear," said she, +"You see 'tis mere necessity +Hath sent me to your house to whelp: +I die if you refuse your help." + With fawning whine, and rueful tone, +With artful sigh, and feigned groan, +With couchant cringe, and flattering tale, +Smooth Bawty[3] did so far prevail, +That Music gave her leave to litter; +(But mark what follow'd--faith! she bit her;) +Whole baskets full of bits and scraps, +And broth enough to fill her paps; +For well she knew, her numerous brood, +For want of milk, would suck her blood. + But when she thought her pains were done, +And now 'twas high time to be gone, +In civil terms, "My friend," said she, +"My house you've had on courtesy; +And now I earnestly desire, +That you would with your cubs retire; +For, should you stay but one week longer, +I shall be starved with cold and hunger." +The guest replied--"My friend, your leave +I must a little longer crave; +Stay till my tender cubs can find +Their way--for now, you see, they're blind; +But, when we've gather'd strength, I swear, +We'll to our barn again repair." + The time pass'd on; and Music came +Her kennel once again to claim, +But Bawty, lost to shame and honour, +Set all her cubs at once upon her; +Made her retire, and quit her right, +And loudly cried--"A bite! bite!" + +THE MORAL + +Thus did the Grecian wooden horse +Conceal a fatal armed force: +No sooner brought within the walls, +But Ilium's lost, and Priam falls. + + +[Footnote 1: _See post_, "A Tale of a Nettle."] + +[Footnote 2: The Church of England.] + +[Footnote 3: A Scotch name for bitch, alluding to the kirk.] + + + + +HORACE, BOOK III, ODE II + +TO THE EARL OF OXFORD, LATE LORD TREASURER +SENT TO HIM WHEN IN THE TOWER, 1716 + +These spirited verses, although they have not the affecting pathos of +those addressed by Pope to the same great person, during his misfortunes, +evince the firmness of Swift's political principles and personal +attachment.--_Scott._ See Moral Essays, Epistle V, Pope's "Works," edit. +Elwin and Courthope, iii, 191.--_W. E. B._ + + +How blest is he who for his country dies, +Since death pursues the coward as he flies! +The youth in vain would fly from Fate's attack; +With trembling knees, and Terror at his back; +Though Fear should lend him pinions like the wind, +Yet swifter Fate will seize him from behind. + Virtue repulsed, yet knows not to repine; +But shall with unattainted honour shine; +Nor stoops to take the staff, nor lays it down, +Just as the rabble please to smile or frown. + Virtue, to crown her favourites, loves to try +Some new unbeaten passage to the sky; +Where Jove a seat among the gods will give +To those who die, for meriting to live. + Next faithful Silence hath a sure reward; +Within our breast be every secret barr'd! +He who betrays his friend, shall never be +Under one roof, or in one ship, with me: +For who with traitors would his safety trust, +Lest with the wicked, Heaven involve the just? +And though the villain'scape a while, he feels +Slow vengeance, like a bloodhound, at his heels. + + + + +ON THE CHURCH'S DANGER + + +Good Halifax and pious Wharton cry, +The Church has vapours; there's no danger nigh. +In those we love not, we no danger see, +And were they hang'd, there would no danger be. +But we must silent be, amidst our fears, +And not believe our senses, but the Peers. +So ravishers, that know no sense of shame, +First stop her mouth, and then debauch the dame. + + + + +A POEM ON HIGH CHURCH + + +High Church is undone, +As sure as a gun, + For old Peter Patch is departed; +And Eyres and Delaune, +And the rest of that spawn, + Are tacking about broken-hearted. + +For strong Gill of Sarum, +That _decoctum amarum_, + Has prescribed a dose of cant-fail; +Which will make them resign +Their flasks of French wine, + And spice up their Nottingham ale. + +It purges the spleen +Of dislike to the queen, + And has one effect that is odder; +When easement they use, +They always will chuse + The Conformity Bill for bumfodder. + + + + +A POEM +OCCASIONED BY THE HANGINGS IN THE CASTLE OF DUBLIN, +IN WHICH THE STORY OF PHAETHON IS EXPRESSED + +Not asking or expecting aught, + One day I went to view the court, +Unbent and free from care or thought, + Though thither fears and hopes resort. + +A piece of tapestry took my eye, + The faded colours spoke it old; +But wrought with curious imagery, + The figures lively seem'd and bold. + +Here you might see the youth prevail, + (In vain are eloquence and wit,) +The boy persists, Apollo's frail; + Wisdom to nature does submit. + +There mounts the eager charioteer; + Soon from his seat he's downward hurl'd; +Here Jove in anger doth appear, + There all, beneath, the flaming world. + +What does this idle fiction mean? + Is truth at court in such disgrace, +It may not on the walls be seen, + Nor e'en in picture show its face? + +No, no, 'tis not a senseless tale, + By sweet-tongued Ovid dress'd so fine;[1] +It does important truths conceal, + And here was placed by wise design. + +A lesson deep with learning fraught, + Worthy the cabinet of kings; +Fit subject of their constant thought, + In matchless verse the poet sings. + +Well should he weigh, who does aspire + To empire, whether truly great, +His head, his heart, his hand, conspire + To make him equal to that seat. + +If only fond desire of sway, + By avarice or ambition fed, +Make him affect to guide the day, + Alas! what strange confusion's bred! + +If, either void of princely care, + Remiss he holds the slacken'd rein; +If rising heats or mad career, + Unskill'd, he knows not to restrain: + +Or if, perhaps, he gives a loose, + In wanton pride to show his skill, +How easily he can reduce + And curb the people's rage at will; + +In wild uproar they hurry on;-- + The great, the good, the just, the wise, +(Law and religion overthrown,) + Are first mark'd out for sacrifice. + +When, to a height their fury grown, + Finding, too late, he can't retire, +He proves the real Phaethon, + And truly sets the world on fire. + + +[Footnote 1: "Metamorphoseon," lib. ii.] + + + + +A TALE OF A NETTLE[1] + + +A man with expense and infinite toil, +By digging and dunging, ennobled his soil; +There fruits of the best your taste did invite, +And uniform order still courted the sight. +No degenerate weeds the rich ground did produce, +But all things afforded both beauty and use: +Till from dunghill transplanted, while yet but a seed, +A nettle rear'd up his inglorious head. +The gard'ner would wisely have rooted him up, +To stop the increase of a barbarous crop; +But the master forbid him, and after the fashion +Of foolish good nature, and blind moderation, +Forbore him through pity, and chose as much rather, +To ask him some questions first, how he came thither. +Kind sir, quoth the nettle, a stranger I come, +For conscience compell'd to relinquish my home, +'Cause I wouldn't subscribe to a mystery dark, +That the prince of all trees is the Jesuit's bark,[2] +An erroneous tenet I know, sir, that you, +No more than myself, will allow to be true. +To you, I for refuge and sanctuary sue, +There's none so renown'd for compassion as you; +And, though in some things I may differ from these, +The rest of your fruitful and beautiful trees; +Though your digging and dunging, my nature much harms, +And I cannot comply with your garden in forms: +Yet I and my family, after our fashion, +Will peaceably stick to our own education. +Be pleased to allow them a place for to rest 'em, +For the rest of your trees we will never molest 'em; +A kind shelter to us and protection afford, +We'll do you no harm, sir, I'll give you my word. +The good man was soon won by this plausible tale, +So fraud on good-nature doth often prevail. +He welcomes his guest, gives him free toleration +In the midst of his garden to take up his station, +And into his breast doth his enemy bring, +He little suspected the nettle could sting. +'Till flush'd with success, and of strength to be fear'd, +Around him a numerous offspring he rear'd. +Then the master grew sensible what he had done, +And fain he would have his new guest to be gone; +But now 'twas too late to bid him turn out, +A well rooted possession already was got. +The old trees decay'd, and in their room grew +A stubborn, pestilent, poisonous crew. +The master, who first the young brood had admitted, +They stung like ingrates, and left him unpitied. +No help from manuring or planting was found, +The ill weeds had eat out the heart of the ground. +All weeds they let in, and none they refuse +That would join to oppose the good man of the house. +Thus one nettle uncropp'd, increased to such store, +That 'twas nothing but weeds what was garden before. + + +[Footnote 1: These verses relate to the proposed repeal of the Test Act, +and may be compared with the "Fable of the Bitches," _ante_, p.181.] + +[Footnote 2: In allusion to the supremacy of Rome.--_Scott_.] + + + + +A SATIRICAL ELEGY +ON THE DEATH OF A LATE FAMOUS GENERAL[1] + +His Grace! impossible! what, dead! +Of old age too, and in his bed! +And could that mighty warrior fall, +And so inglorious, after all? +Well, since he's gone, no matter how, +The last loud trump must wake him now; +And, trust me, as the noise grows stronger, +He'd wish to sleep a little longer. +And could he be indeed so old +As by the newspapers we're told? +Threescore, I think, is pretty high; +'Twas time in conscience he should die! +This world he cumber'd long enough; +He burnt his candle to the snuff; +And that's the reason, some folks think, +He left behind so great a stink. +Behold his funeral appears, +Nor widows' sighs, nor orphans' tears, +Wont at such times each heart to pierce, +Attend the progress of his hearse. +But what of that? his friends may say, +He had those honours in his day. +True to his profit and his pride, +He made them weep before he died. + Come hither, all ye empty things! +Ye bubbles raised by breath of kings! +Who float upon the tide of state; +Come hither, and behold your fate! +Let Pride be taught by this rebuke, +How very mean a thing's a duke; +From all his ill-got honours flung, +Turn'd to that dirt from whence he sprung.[2] + +[Footnote 1: The Duke of Marlborough died on the 16th June, +1722.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: See the "Fable of Midas," _ante_, p. 150; and The Examiner, +"Prose Works," ix, 95.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +POEMS CHIEFLY RELATING TO IRISH POLITICS + +PARODY +ON THE SPEECH OF DR. BENJAMIN PRATT,[1] +PROVOST OF TRINITY COLLEGE TO THE PRINCE OF WALES + + +Illustrious prince, we're come before ye, +Who, more than in our founders, glory + To be by you protected; +Deign to descend and give us laws, +For we are converts to your cause, + From this day well-affected.[2] + +The noble view of your high merits +Has charm'd our thoughts and fix'd our spirits, + With zeal so warm and hearty; +That we resolved to be devoted, +At least until we be promoted, + By your just power and party. + +Urged by a passionate desire +Of being raised a little higher, + From lazy cloister'd life; +We cannot flatter you nor fawn, +But fain would honour'd be with lawn, + And settled by a wife.[3] + +For this we have before resorted, +Paid levees[4] punctually, and courted, + Our charge at home long quitting, +But now we're come just in the nick, +Upon a vacant[5] bishopric, + This bait can't fail of hitting. + +Thus, sir, you see how much affection, +Not interest, sways in this election, + But sense of loyal duty. +For you surpass all princes far, +As glow-worms do exceed a star, + In goodness, wit, and beauty. + +To you our Irish Commons owe +That wisdom which their actions show, + Their principles from ours springs, +Taught, ere the deel himself could dream on't, +That of their illustrious house a stem on't, + Should rise the best of kings. + +The glad presages with our eyes +Behold a king, chaste, vigilant, and wise, + In foreign fields victorious, +Who in his youth the Turks attacks, +And [made] them still to turn their backs; + Was ever king so glorious? + +Since Ormond's like a traitor gone, +We scorn to do what some have done, + For learning much more famous;[6] +Fools may pursue their adverse fate, +And stick to the unfortunate; + We laugh while they condemn us. + +For, being of that gen'rous mind, +To success we are still inclined, + And quit the suffering side, +If on our friends cross planets frown, +We join the cry, and hunt them down, + And sail with wind and tide. + +Hence 'twas this choice we long delay'd, +Till our rash foes the rebels fled, + Whilst fortune held the scale; +But [since] they're driven like mist before you, +Our rising sun, we now adore you, + Because you now prevail. + +Descend then from your lofty seat, +Behold th' attending Muses wait + With us to sing your praises; +Calliope now strings up her lyre, +And Clio[7] Phoebus does inspire, +The theme their fancy raises. + +If then our nursery you will nourish, +We and our Muses too will flourish, + Encouraged by your favour; +We'll doctrines teach the times to serve, +And more five thousand pounds deserve, + By future good behaviour. + +Now take our harp into your hand, +The joyful strings, at your command, + In doleful sounds no more shall mourn. +We, with sincerity of heart, +To all your tunes shall bear a part, + Unless we see the tables turn. + +If so, great sir, you will excuse us, +For we and our attending Muses + May live to change our strain; +And turn, with merry hearts, our tune, +Upon some happy tenth of June, + To "the king enjoys his own again." + + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Pratt's speech, which is here parodied, was made when +the Duke of Ormond, Swift's valued friend, was attainted, and superseded +in the office of chancellor of Trinity College, which he had held from +1688-9, by the Prince of Wales, afterwards George II. + +There is great reason to suppose that the satire is the work of Swift, +whose attachment to Ormond was uniformly ardent. Of this it may be +worth while to mention a trifling instance. The duke had presented to +the cathedral of St. Patrick's a superb organ, surmounted by his own +armorial bearings. It was placed facing the nave of the church. But after +Ormond's attainder, Swift, as Dean of St. Patrick's, received orders from +government to remove the scutcheon from the church. He obeyed, but +he placed the shield in the great aisle, where he himself and Stella lie +buried, and where the arms still remain. The verses have suffered much +by the inaccuracy of the noble transcriber, Lord Newtoun Butler. + +The original speech will be found in the London Gazette of Tuesday, +April 17, 1716, and Scott's edition of Swift, vol. xii, p. 352. The +Provost, it appears, was attended by the Rev. Dr. Howard, and Mr. George +Berkeley, (afterwards Bishop of Cloyne,) both of them fellows of Trinity +College, Dublin. The speech was praised by Addison, in the Freeholder, +No. 33.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: The Rev. Dr. Pratt had been formerly of the Tory party; to +which circumstance the phrase, "from this day well-affected," +alludes.--_Scott._] + +[Footnote 3: The statutes of the university enjoin celibacy.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 4: The provost was a most constant attendant at the levees at +St. James's palace.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 5: The see of Killaloe was then vacant, and to this bishopric +the Reverend Dr. George Carr, chaplain to the Irish House of Commons, +was nominated, by letters-patent.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 6: Alluding to the sullen silence of Oxford upon the +accession.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 7: This is spelled Chloe, but evidently should be Clio; indeed, +many errors appear in the transcription, which probably were mistakes of +the transcriber.--_Scott._] + + + + +AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG[1] +ON A SEDITIOUS PAMPHLET. 1720-21 + +To the tune of "Packington's Pound." + + +Brocades, and damasks, and tabbies, and gauzes, +Are, by Robert Ballantine, lately brought over, +With forty things more: now hear what the law says, +Whoe'er will not wear them is not the king's lover. + Though a printer and Dean, + Seditiously mean, +Our true Irish hearts from Old England to wean, +We'll buy English silks for our wives and our daughters, +In spite of his deanship and journeyman Waters. + +In England the dead in woollen are clad, + The Dean and his printer then let us cry fie on; +To be clothed like a carcass would make a Teague mad, + Since a living dog better is than a dead lion. + Our wives they grow sullen + At wearing of woollen, +And all we poor shopkeepers must our horns pull in. +Then we'll buy English silks for our wives and our daughters, +In spite of his deanship and journeyman Waters. + +Whoever our trading with England would hinder, + To inflame both the nations do plainly conspire, +Because Irish linen will soon turn to tinder, + And wool it is greasy, and quickly takes fire. + Therefore, I assure ye, + Our noble grand jury, +When they saw the Dean's book, they were in a great fury; +They would buy English silks for their wives and their daughters, +In spite of his deanship and journeyman Waters. + +This wicked rogue Waters, who always is sinning, + And before _coram nobis_ so oft has been call'd, +Henceforward shall print neither pamphlets nor linen, + And if swearing can do't shall be swingingly maul'd: + And as for the Dean, + You know whom I mean, +If the printer will peach him, he'll scarce come off clean. +Then we'll buy English silks for our wives and our daughters, +In spite of his deanship and journeyman Waters. + + +[Footnote 1: This ballad alludes to the Dean's "Proposal for the use of +Irish Manufactures," for which the printer was prosecuted with great +violence. Lord Chief-Justice Whitshed sent the jury repeatedly out of +court, until he had wearied them into a special verdict. See Swift's +Letter to Pope, Jan. 1721, and "Prose Works," vii, 13.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +THE RUN UPON THE BANKERS[1] + +The bold encroachers on the deep + Gain by degrees huge tracts of land, +Till Neptune, with one general sweep, + Turns all again to barren strand. + +The multitude's capricious pranks + Are said to represent the seas, +Breaking the bankers and the banks, + Resume their own whene'er they please. + +Money, the life-blood of the nation, + Corrupts and stagnates in the veins, +Unless a proper circulation + Its motion and its heat maintains. + +Because 'tis lordly not to pay, + Quakers and aldermen in state, +Like peers, have levees every day + Of duns attending at their gate. + +We want our money on the nail; + The banker's ruin'd if he pays: +They seem to act an ancient tale; + The birds are met to strip the jays. + +"Riches," the wisest monarch sings, + "Make pinions for themselves to fly;"[2] +They fly like bats on parchment wings, + And geese their silver plumes supply. + +No money left for squandering heirs! + Bills turn the lenders into debtors: +The wish of Nero[3] now is theirs, + "That they had never known their letters." + +Conceive the works of midnight hags, + Tormenting fools behind their backs: +Thus bankers, o'er their bills and bags, + Sit squeezing images of wax. + +Conceive the whole enchantment broke; + The witches left in open air, +With power no more than other folk, + Exposed with all their magic ware. + +So powerful are a banker's bills, + Where creditors demand their due; +They break up counters, doors, and tills, + And leave the empty chests in view. + +Thus when an earthquake lets in light + Upon the god of gold and hell, +Unable to endure the sight, + He hides within his darkest cell. + +As when a conjurer takes a lease + From Satan for a term of years, +The tenant's in a dismal case, + Whene'er the bloody bond appears. + +A baited banker thus desponds, + From his own hand foresees his fall, +They have his soul, who have his bonds; + 'Tis like the writing on the wall.[4] + +How will the caitiff wretch be scared, + When first he finds himself awake +At the last trumpet, unprepared, + And all his grand account to make! + +For in that universal call, + Few bankers will to heaven be mounters; +They'll cry, "Ye shops, upon us fall! + Conceal and cover us, ye counters!" + +When other hands the scales shall hold, + And they, in men's and angels' sight +Produced with all their bills and gold, + "Weigh'd in the balance and found light!" + + +[Footnote 1: This poem was printed some years ago, and it should seem, by +the late failure of two bankers, to be somewhat prophetic. It was +therefore thought fit to be reprinted.--_Dublin Edition_, 1734.] + +[Footnote 2: Solomon, Proverbs, ch. xxiii, v. 5.] + +[Footnote 3: Who, in his early days of empire, having to sign the +sentence of a condemned criminal, exclaimed: "Quam vellem nescire +litteras!" Suetonius, 10; and Seneca, "De Clementia,", cited by +Montaigne, "De l'inconstance de nos actions."--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Daniel, ch. v, verses 25, 26, 27, 28.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +UPON THE HORRID PLOT +DISCOVERED BY HARLEQUIN, THE BISHOP OF ROCHESTER'S FRENCH DOG,[1] +IN A DIALOGUE BETWEEN A WHIG AND A TORY + + +I ask'd a Whig the other night, +How came this wicked plot to light? +He answer'd, that a dog of late +Inform'd a minister of state. +Said I, from thence I nothing know; +For are not all informers so? +A villain who his friend betrays, +We style him by no other phrase; +And so a perjured dog denotes +Porter, and Pendergast, and Oates, +And forty others I could name. + WHIG. But you must know this dog was lame. + TORY. A weighty argument indeed! +Your evidence was lame:--proceed: +Come, help your lame dog o'er the stile. + WHIG. Sir, you mistake me all this while: +I mean a dog (without a joke) +Can howl, and bark, but never spoke. + TORY. I'm still to seek, which dog you mean; +Whether cur Plunkett, or whelp Skean,[2] +An English or an Irish hound; +Or t'other puppy, that was drown'd; +Or Mason, that abandon'd bitch: +Then pray be free, and tell me which: +For every stander-by was marking, +That all the noise they made was barking. +You pay them well, the dogs have got +Their dogs-head in a porridge-pot: +And 'twas but just; for wise men say, +That every dog must have his day. +Dog Walpole laid a quart of nog on't, +He'd either make a hog or dog on't; +And look'd, since he has got his wish, +As if he had thrown down a dish, +Yet this I dare foretell you from it, +He'll soon return to his own vomit. + WHIG. Besides, this horrid plot was found +By Neynoe, after he was drown'd. + TORY. Why then the proverb is not right, +Since you can teach dead dogs to bite. + WHIG. I proved my proposition full: +But Jacobites are strangely dull. +Now, let me tell you plainly, sir, +Our witness is a real cur, +A dog of spirit for his years; +Has twice two legs, two hanging ears; +His name is Harlequin, I wot, +And that's a name in every plot: +Resolved to save the British nation, +Though French by birth and education; +His correspondence plainly dated, +Was all decipher'd and translated: +His answers were exceeding pretty, +Before the secret wise committee; +Confest as plain as he could bark: +Then with his fore-foot set his mark. + TORY. Then all this while have I been bubbled, +I thought it was a dog in doublet: +The matter now no longer sticks: +For statesmen never want dog-tricks. +But since it was a real cur, +And not a dog in metaphor, +I give you joy of the report, +That he's to have a place at court. + WHIG. Yes, and a place he will grow rich in; +A turnspit in the royal kitchen. +Sir, to be plain, I tell you what, +We had occasion for a plot; +And when we found the dog begin it, +We guess'd the bishop's foot was in it. + TORY. I own it was a dangerous project, +And you have proved it by dog-logic. +Sure such intelligence between +A dog and bishop ne'er was seen, +Till you began to change the breed; +Your bishops are all dogs indeed! + + +[Footnote 1: In Atterbury's trial a good deal of stress was laid upon the +circumstance of a "spotted little dog" called Harlequin being mentioned +in the intercepted correspondence. The dog was sent in a present to the +bishop from Paris, and its leg was broken by the way. See "State Trials," +xvi, 320 and 376-7.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: John Kelly, and Skin, or Skinner, were persons engaged in +the plot. Neynoe, whose declaration was taken before the lords of +council, and used in evidence against the bishop, is "t'other puppy that +was drown'd," which was his fate in attempting to escape from the +messengers.] + + + + +A QUIBBLING ELEGY ON JUDGE BOAT +1723 + + +To mournful ditties, Clio, change thy note, +Since cruel fate has sunk our Justice Boat; +Why should he sink, where nothing seem'd to press +His lading little, and his ballast less? +Tost in the waves of this tempestuous world, +At length, his anchor fix'd and canvass furl'd, +To Lazy-hill[1] retiring from his court, +At his Ring's end[2] he founders in the port. +With water[3] fill'd, he could no longer float, +The common death of many a stronger boat. +A post so fill'd on nature's laws entrenches: +Benches on boats are placed, not boats on benches. +And yet our Boat (how shall I reconcile it?) +Was both a Boat, and in one sense a pilot. +With every wind he sail'd, and well could tack: +Had many pendants, but abhorr'd a Jack.[4] +He's gone, although his friends began to hope, +That he might yet be lifted by a rope. + Behold the awful bench, on which he sat! +He was as hard and ponderous wood as that: +Yet when his sand was out, we find at last, +That death has overset him with a blast. +Our Boat is now sail'd to the Stygian ferry, +There to supply old Charon's leaky wherry; +Charon in him will ferry souls to Hell; +A trade our Boat[5] has practised here so well: +And Cerberus has ready in his paws +Both pitch and brimstone, to fill up his flaws. +Yet, spite of death and fate, I here maintain +We may place Boat in his old post again. +The way is thus: and well deserves your thanks: +Take the three strongest of his broken planks, +Fix them on high, conspicuous to be seen, +Form'd like the triple tree near Stephen's Green:[6] +And, when we view it thus with thief at end on't, +We'll cry; look, here's our Boat, and there's the pendant. + + +THE EPITAPH + +Here lies Judge Boat within a coffin: +Pray, gentlefolks, forbear your scoffing. +A Boat a judge! yes; where's the blunder? +A wooden judge is no such wonder. +And in his robes you must agree, +No boat was better deckt than he. +'Tis needless to describe him fuller; +In short, he was an able sculler.[7] + +[Footnote 1: A street in Dublin, leading to the harbour.] + +[Footnote 2: A village near the sea.] + +[Footnote 3: It was said he died of a dropsy.] + +[Footnote 4: A cant word for a Jacobite.] + +[Footnote 5: In condemning malefactors, as a judge.] + +[Footnote 6: Where the Dublin gallows stands.] + +[Footnote 7: Query, whether the author meant scholar, and wilfully +mistook?--_Dublin Edition._] + + + + +VERSES OCCASIONED BY WHITSHED'S [1] MOTTO ON HIS COACH. 1724 + + +Libertas _et natale solum:_ [2] +Fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em. +Could nothing but thy chief reproach +Serve for a motto on thy coach? +But let me now the words translate: +_Natale solum_, my estate; +My dear estate, how well I love it, +My tenants, if you doubt, will prove it, +They swear I am so kind and good, +I hug them till I squeeze their blood. + _Libertas_ bears a large import: +First, how to swagger in a court; +And, secondly, to show my fury +Against an uncomplying jury; +And, thirdly, 'tis a new invention, +To favour Wood, and keep my pension; +And, fourthly, 'tis to play an odd trick, +Get the great seal and turn out Broderick;[3] +And, fifthly, (you know whom I mean,) +To humble that vexatious Dean: +And, sixthly, for my soul to barter it +For fifty times its worth to Carteret.[4] +Now since your motto thus you construe, +I must confess you've spoken once true. +_Libertas et natale solum:_ +You had good reason when you stole 'em. + +[Footnote 1: That noted chief-justice who twice prosecuted the Drapier, +and dissolved the grand jury for not finding the bill against him.--_F._] + +[Footnote 2: This motto is repeatedly mentioned in the Drapier's +Letters.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 3: Allan Broderick, Lord Middleton, was then lord-chancellor of +Ireland. See the Drapier's Letters, "Prose Works," vi, 135.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland.] + + + + +PROMETHEUS[1] +ON WOOD THE PATENTEE'S IRISH HALFPENCE[2] +1724 + + +When first the squire and tinker Wood +Gravely consulting Ireland's good, +Together mingled in a mass +Smith's dust, and copper, lead, and brass; +The mixture thus by chemic art +United close in ev'ry part, +In fillets roll'd, or cut in pieces, +Appear'd like one continued species; +And, by the forming engine struck, +On all the same impression took. + So, to confound this hated coin, +All parties and religions join; +Whigs, Tories, Trimmers, Hanoverians, +Quakers, Conformists, Presbyterians, +Scotch, Irish, English, French, unite, +With equal interest, equal spite +Together mingled in a lump, +Do all in one opinion jump; +And ev'ry one begins to find +The same impression on his mind. + A strange event! whom gold incites +To blood and quarrels, brass unites; +So goldsmiths say, the coarsest stuff +Will serve for solder well enough: +So by the kettle's loud alarms +The bees are gather'd into swarms, +So by the brazen trumpet's bluster +Troops of all tongues and nations muster; +And so the harp of Ireland brings +Whole crowds about its brazen strings. + There is a chain let down from Jove, +But fasten'd to his throne above, +So strong that from the lower end, +They say all human things depend. +This chain, as ancient poets hold, +When Jove was young, was made of gold, +Prometheus once this chain purloin'd, +Dissolved, and into money coin'd; +Then whips me on a chain of brass; +(Venus[3] was bribed to let it pass.) + Now while this brazen chain prevail'd, +Jove saw that all devotion fail'd; +No temple to his godship raised; +No sacrifice on altars blazed; +In short, such dire confusion follow'd, +Earth must have been in chaos swallow'd. +Jove stood amazed; but looking round, +With much ado the cheat he found; +'Twas plain he could no longer hold +The world in any chain but gold; +And to the god of wealth, his brother, +Sent Mercury to get another. + Prometheus on a rock is laid, +Tied with the chain himself had made, +On icy Caucasus to shiver, +While vultures eat his growing liver. + + Ye powers of Grub-Street, make me able +Discreetly to apply this fable; +Say, who is to be understood +By that old thief Prometheus?--Wood. +For Jove, it is not hard to guess him; +I mean his majesty, God bless him. +This thief and blacksmith was so bold, +He strove to steal that chain of gold, +Which links the subject to the king, +And change it for a brazen string. +But sure, if nothing else must pass +Betwixt the king and us but brass, +Although the chain will never crack, +Yet our devotion may grow slack. + But Jove will soon convert, I hope, +This brazen chain into a rope; +With which Prometheus shall be tied, +And high in air for ever ride; +Where, if we find his liver grows, +For want of vultures, we have crows. + + +[Footnote 1: Corrected from Swift's own MS. notes.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: To understand this and the following poems on Wood and his +halfpence, they must be read in connexion with The Drapier's Letters, +"Prose Works," vol. vi.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: Duchess of Kendal.--_Scott_.] + + + + +VERSES ON THE REVIVAL OF THE ORDER OF THE BATH,[1] +DURING WALPOLE'S ADMINISTRATION, A. D. 1725 + +Quoth King Robin, our ribbons I see are too few +Of St. Andrew's the green, and St. George's the blue. +I must find out another of colour more gay, +That will teach all my subjects with pride to obey. +Though the exchequer be drain'd by prodigal donors, +Yet the king ne'er exhausted his fountain of honours. +Men of more wit than money our pensions will fit, +And this will fit men of more money than wit. +Thus my subjects with pleasure will obey my commands, +Though as empty as Younge, and as saucy as Sandes +And he who'll leap over a stick for the king, +Is qualified best for a dog in a string. + +[Footnote 1: See Gulliver's Travels, "Prose Works," ii, 40. Also my "Wit +and Wisdom of Lord Chesterfield" and "Life of Lord Chesterfield" +for a ballad on the order.--_W. E. B._] + + + +EPIGRAM ON WOOD'S BRASS MONEY + +Carteret was welcomed to the shore +First with the brazen cannon's roar; +To meet him next the soldier comes, +With brazen trumps and brazen drums; +Approaching near the town he hears +The brazen bells salute his ears: +But when Wood's brass began to sound, +Guns, trumpets, drums, and bells, were drown'd. + + + + +A SIMILE +ON OUR WANT OF SILVER, AND THE ONLY WAY TO REMEDY IT. 1725 + +As when of old some sorceress threw +O'er the moon's face a sable hue, +To drive unseen her magic chair, +At midnight, through the darken'd air; +Wise people, who believed with reason +That this eclipse was out of season, +Affirm'd the moon was sick, and fell +To cure her by a counter spell. +Ten thousand cymbals now begin, +To rend the skies with brazen din; +The cymbals' rattling sounds dispel +The cloud, and drive the hag to hell. +The moon, deliver'd from her pain, +Displays her silver face again. +Note here, that in the chemic style, +The moon is silver all this while. + So (if my simile you minded, +Which I confess is too long-winded) +When late a feminine magician,[1] +Join'd with a brazen politician,[2] +Exposed, to blind the nation's eyes, +A parchment[3] of prodigious size; +Conceal'd behind that ample screen, +There was no silver to be seen. +But to this parchment let the Drapier +Oppose his counter-charm of paper, +And ring Wood's copper in our ears +So loud till all the nation hears; +That sound will make the parchment shrivel +And drive the conjurors to the Devil; +And when the sky is grown serene, +Our silver will appear again. + +[Footnote 1: The Duchess of Kendal, who was to have a share of Wood's +profits.--_Scott._] + +[Footnote 2: Sir Robert Walpole, nicknamed Sir Robert Brass, vol. i, p. +219.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: The patent for coining halfpence.] + + + + +WOOD AN INSECT. 1725 + +By long observation I have understood, +That two little vermin are kin to Will Wood. +The first is an insect they call a wood-louse, +That folds up itself in itself for a house, +As round as a ball, without head, without tail, +Enclosed _cap a pie_, in a strong coat of mail. +And thus William Wood to my fancy appears +In fillets of brass roll'd up to his ears; +And over these fillets he wisely has thrown, +To keep out of danger, a doublet of stone.[1] +The louse of the wood for a medicine is used +Or swallow'd alive, or skilfully bruised. +And, let but our mother Hibernia contrive +To swallow Will Wood, either bruised or alive, +She need be no more with the jaundice possest, +Or sick of obstructions, and pains in her chest. + The next is an insect we call a wood-worm, +That lies in old wood like a hare in her form; +With teeth or with claws it will bite or will scratch, +And chambermaids christen this worm a death-watch; +Because like a watch it always cries click; +Then woe be to those in the house who are sick: +For, as sure as a gun, they will give up the ghost, +If the maggot cries click when it scratches the post; +But a kettle of scalding hot-water injected +Infallibly cures the timber affected; +The omen is broken, the danger is over; +The maggot will die, and the sick will recover. +Such a worm was Will Wood, when he scratch'd at the door +Of a governing statesman or favourite whore; +The death of our nation he seem'd to foretell, +And the sound of his brass we took for our knell. +But now, since the Drapier has heartily maul'd him, +I think the best thing we can do is to scald him; +For which operation there's nothing more proper +Than the liquor he deals in, his own melted copper; +Unless, like the Dutch, you rather would boil +This coiner of raps[2] in a caldron of oil. +Then choose which you please, and let each bring a fagot, +For our fear's at an end with the death of the maggot. + +[Footnote 1: He was in jail for debt.] + +[Footnote 2: Counterfeit halfpence.] + + + + +ON WOOD THE IRONMONGER. 1725 + +Salmoneus,[1] as the Grecian tale is, +Was a mad coppersmith of Elis: +Up at his forge by morning peep, +No creature in the lane could sleep; +Among a crew of roystering fellows +Would sit whole evenings at the alehouse; +His wife and children wanted bread, +While he went always drunk to bed. +This vapouring scab must needs devise +To ape the thunder of the skies: +With brass two fiery steeds he shod, +To make a clattering as they trod, +Of polish'd brass his flaming car +Like lightning dazzled from afar; +And up he mounts into the box, +And he must thunder, with a pox. +Then furious he begins his march, +Drives rattling o'er a brazen arch; +With squibs and crackers arm'd to throw +Among the trembling crowd below. +All ran to prayers, both priests and laity, +To pacify this angry deity; +When Jove, in pity to the town, +With real thunder knock'd him down. +Then what a huge delight were all in, +To see the wicked varlet sprawling; +They search'd his pockets on the place, +And found his copper all was base; +They laugh'd at such an Irish blunder, +To take the noise of brass for thunder. + The moral of this tale is proper, +Applied to Wood's adulterate copper: +Which, as he scatter'd, we, like dolts, +Mistook at first for thunderbolts, +Before the Drapier shot a letter, +(Nor Jove himself could do it better) +Which lighting on the impostor's crown, +Like real thunder knock'd him down. + +[Footnote 1: Who imitated lightning with burning torches and was hurled +into Tartarus by a thunderbolt from Jupiter.--Hyginus, "Fab." + "Vidi et crudelis dantem Salmonea poenas + Dum flammas louis et sonitus imitatur Olympi." +VIRG., _Aen_., vi, 585. +And see the Excursus of Heyne on the passage.--_W. E. B._] + + + +WILL WOOD'S PETITION TO THE PEOPLE OF IRELAND + +BEING AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG, +SUPPOSED TO BE MADE, AND SUNG IN THE STREETS OF DUBLIN, +BY WILLIAM WOOD, IRONMONGER AND HALFPENNY-MONGER. 1725 + + + My dear Irish folks, + Come leave off your jokes, +And buy up my halfpence so fine; + So fair and so bright + They'll give you delight; +Observe how they glisten and shine! + + They'll sell to my grief + As cheap as neck-beef, +For counters at cards to your wife; + And every day + Your children may play +Span-farthing or toss on the knife. + + Come hither and try, + I'll teach you to buy +A pot of good ale for a farthing; + Come, threepence a score, + I ask you no more, +And a fig for the Drapier and Harding.[1] + + When tradesmen have gold, + The thief will be bold, +By day and by night for to rob him: + My copper is such, + No robber will touch, +And so you may daintily bob him. + + The little blackguard + Who gets very hard +His halfpence for cleaning your shoes: + When his pockets are cramm'd + With mine, and be d--d, +He may swear he has nothing to lose. + + Here's halfpence in plenty, + For one you'll have twenty, +Though thousands are not worth a pudden. + Your neighbours will think, + When your pocket cries chink. +You are grown plaguy rich on a sudden. + + You will be my thankers, + I'll make you my bankers, +As good as Ben Burton or Fade;[2] + For nothing shall pass + But my pretty brass, +And then you'll be all of a trade. + + I'm a son of a whore + If I have a word more +To say in this wretched condition. + If my coin will not pass, + I must die like an ass; +And so I conclude my petition. + +[Footnote 1: The Drapier's printer.] + +[Footnote 2: Two famous bankers.] + + + + +A NEW SONG ON WOOD'S HALFPENCE + + +Ye people of Ireland, both country and city, +Come listen with patience, and hear out my ditty: +At this time I'll choose to be wiser than witty. + Which nobody can deny. + +The halfpence are coming, the nation's undoing, +There's an end of your ploughing, and baking, and brewing; +In short, you must all go to wreck and to ruin. + Which, &c. + +Both high men and low men, and thick men and tall men, +And rich men and poor men, and free men and thrall men, +Will suffer; and this man, and that man, and all men. + Which, &c. + +The soldier is ruin'd, poor man! by his pay; +His fivepence will prove but a farthing a-day, +For meat, or for drink; or he must run away. + Which, &c. + +When he pulls out his twopence, the tapster says not, +That ten times as much he must pay for his shot; +And thus the poor soldier must soon go to pot. + Which, &c. + +If he goes to the baker, the baker will huff, +And twentypence have for a twopenny loaf, +Then dog, rogue, and rascal, and so kick and cuff. + Which, &c. + +Again, to the market whenever he goes, +The butcher and soldier must be mortal foes, +One cuts off an ear, and the other a nose. + Which, &c. + +The butcher is stout, and he values no swagger; +A cleaver's a match any time for a dagger, +And a blue sleeve may give such a cuff as may stagger. + Which, &c. + +The beggars themselves will be broke in a trice, +When thus their poor farthings are sunk in their price; +When nothing is left they must live on their lice. + Which, &c. + +The squire who has got him twelve thousand a-year, +O Lord! what a mountain his rents would appear! +Should he take them, he would not have house-room, I fear. + Which, &c. + +Though at present he lives in a very large house, +There would then not be room in it left for a mouse; +But the squire is too wise, he will not take a souse. + Which, &c. + +The farmer who comes with his rent in this cash, +For taking these counters and being so rash, +Will be kick'd out of doors, both himself and his trash. + Which, &c. + +For, in all the leases that ever we hold, +We must pay our rent in good silver and gold, +And not in brass tokens of such a base mould. + Which, &c. + +The wisest of lawyers all swear, they will warrant +No money but silver and gold can be current; +And, since they will swear it, we all may be sure on't. + Which, &c. + +And I think, after all, it would be very strange, +To give current money for base in exchange, +Like a fine lady swapping her moles for the mange. + Which, &c. + +But read the king's patent, and there you will find, +That no man need take them, but who has a mind, +For which we must say that his Majesty's kind. + Which, &c. + +Now God bless the Drapier who open'd our eyes! +I'm sure, by his book, that the writer is wise: +He shows us the cheat, from the end to the rise. + Which, &c. + +Nay, farther, he shows it a very hard case, +That this fellow Wood, of a very bad race, +Should of all the fine gentry of Ireland take place. + Which, &c. + +That he and his halfpence should come to weigh down +Our subjects so loyal and true to the crown: +But I hope, after all, that they will be his own. + Which, &c. + +This book, I do tell you, is writ for your goods, +And a very good book 'tis against Mr. Wood's, +If you stand true together, he's left in the suds. + Which, &c. + +Ye shopmen, and tradesmen, and farmers, go read it, +For I think in my soul at this time that you need it; +Or, egad, if you don't, there's an end of your credit. + Which nobody can deny. + + + + +A SERIOUS POEM +UPON WILLIAM WOOD, BRAZIER, TINKER, HARD-WAREMAN, COINER, FOUNDER, +AND ESQUIRE + + +When foes are o'ercome, we preserve them from slaughter, +To be hewers of wood, and drawers of water. +Now, although to draw water is not very good, +Yet we all should rejoice to be hewers of Wood. +I own it has often provoked me to mutter, +That a rogue so obscure should make such a clutter; +But ancient philosophers wisely remark, +That old rotten wood will shine in the dark. +The Heathens, we read, had gods made of wood, +Who could do them no harm, if they did them no good; +But this idol Wood may do us great evil, +Their gods were of wood, but our Wood is the devil. +To cut down fine wood is a very bad thing; +And yet we all know much gold it will bring: +Then, if cutting down wood brings money good store +Our money to keep, let us cut down one more. + Now hear an old tale. There anciently stood +(I forget in what church) an image of wood; +Concerning this image, there went a prediction, +It would burn a whole forest; nor was it a fiction. +'Twas cut into fagots and put to the flame, +To burn an old friar, one Forest by name, +My tale is a wise one, if well understood: +Find you but the Friar; and I'll find the Wood. + I hear, among scholars there is a great doubt, +From what kind of tree this Wood was hewn out, +Teague made a good pun by a brogue in his speech: +And said, "By my shoul, he's the son of a BEECH." +Some call him a thorn, the curse of the nation, +As thorns were design'd to be from the creation. +Some think him cut out from the poisonous yew, +Beneath whose ill shade no plant ever grew. +Some say he's a birch, a thought very odd; +For none but a dunce would come under his rod. +But I'll tell the secret; and pray do not blab: +He is an old stump, cut out of a crab; +And England has put this crab to a hard use, +To cudgel our bones, and for drink give us ver-juice; +And therefore his witnesses justly may boast, +That none are more properly knights of the post, + But here Mr. Wood complains that we mock, +Though he may be a blockhead, he's no real block. +He can eat, drink, and sleep; now and then for a friend +He'll not be too proud an old kettle to mend; +He can lie like a courtier, and think it no scorn, +When gold's to be got, to forswear and suborn. +He can rap his own raps[1] and has the true sapience, +To turn a good penny to twenty bad halfpence. +Then in spite of your sophistry, honest Will Wood +Is a man of this world, all true flesh and blood; +So you are but in jest, and you will not, I hope, +Unman the poor knave for the sake of a trope. +'Tis a metaphor known to every plain thinker, +Just as when we say, the devil's a tinker, +Which cannot, in literal sense be made good, +Unless by the devil we mean Mr. Wood. + But some will object that the devil oft spoke, +In heathenish times, from the trunk of an oak; +And since we must grant there never were known +More heathenish times, than those of our own; +Perhaps you will say, 'tis the devil that puts +The words in Wood's mouth, or speaks from his guts: +And then your old arguments still will return; +Howe'er, let us try him, and see how he'll burn: +You'll pardon me, sir, your cunning I smoke, +But Wood, I assure you, is no heart of oak; +And, instead of the devil, this son of perdition +Hath join'd with himself two hags in commission. + I ne'er could endure my talent to smother: +I told you one tale, and I'll tell you another. +A joiner to fasten a saint in a niche, +Bored a large auger-hole in the image's breech; +But, finding the statue to make no complaint, +He would ne'er be convinced it was a true saint. +When the true Wood arrives, as he soon will, no doubt, +(For that's but a sham Wood they carry about;[2]) +What stuff he is made of you quickly may find +If you make the same trial and bore him behind. +I'll hold you a groat, when you wimble his bum, +He'll bellow as loud as the de'il in a drum. +From me, I declare you shall have no denial; +And there can be no harm in making a trial: +And when to the joy of your hearts he has roar'd, +You may show him about for a new groaning board. + Now ask me a question. How came it to pass +Wood got so much copper? He got it by brass; +This brass was a dragon, (observe what I tell ye,) +This dragon had gotten two sows in his belly; +I know you will say this is all heathen Greek. +I own it, and therefore I leave you to seek. + I often have seen two plays very good, +Call'd Love in a Tub, and Love in a Wood; +These comedies twain friend Wood will contrive +On the scene of this land very soon to revive. +First, Love in a Tub: Squire Wood has in store +Strong tubs for his raps, two thousand and more; +These raps he will honestly dig out with shovels, +And sell them for gold, or he can't show his love else. +Wood swears he will do it for Ireland's good, +Then can you deny it is Love in a Wood? +However, if critics find fault with the phrase, +I hope you will own it is Love in a Maze: +For when to express a friend's love you are willing, +We never say more than your love is a million; +But with honest Wood's love there is no contending, +'Tis fifty round millions of love and a mending. +Then in his first love why should he be crost? +I hope he will find that no love is lost. + Hear one story more, and then I will stop. +I dreamt Wood was told he should die by a drop: +So methought he resolved no liquor to taste, +For fear the first drop might as well be his last. +But dreams are like oracles; 'tis hard to explain 'em; +For it proved that he died of a drop at Kilmainham.[3] +I waked with delight; and not without hope, +Very soon to see Wood drop down from a rope. +How he, and how we at each other should grin! +'Tis kindness to hold a friend up by the chin. +But soft! says the herald, I cannot agree; +For metal on metal is false heraldry. +Why that may be true; yet Wood upon Wood, +I'll maintain with my life, is heraldry good. + + +[Footnote 1: Forge his own bad halfpence.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: He was burnt in effigy.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 3: The place of execution near Dublin.--_Scott_.] + + + + +AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG, +UPON THE DECLARATIONS OF THE SEVERAL CORPORATIONS OF THE CITY OF DUBLIN +AGAINST WOOD'S HALFPENCE + +To the tune of "London is a fine town," &c. + + +O Dublin is a fine town + And a gallant city, +For Wood's trash is tumbled down, + Come listen to my ditty, + O Dublin is a fine town, &c. + +In full assembly all did meet + Of every corporation, +From every lane and every street, + To save the sinking nation. + O Dublin, &c. + +The bankers would not let it pass + For to be Wood's tellers, +Instead of gold to count his brass, + And fill their small-beer cellars. + O Dublin, &c. + +And next to them, to take his coin + The Gild would not submit, +They all did go, and all did join, + And so their names they writ. + O Dublin, &c. + +The brewers met within their hall, + And spoke in lofty strains, +These halfpence shall not pass at all, + They want so many grains. + O Dublin, &c. + +The tailors came upon this pinch, + And wish'd the dog in hell, +Should we give this same Wood an inch, + We know he'd take an ell. + O Dublin, &c. + +But now the noble clothiers + Of honour and renown, +If they take Wood's halfpence + They will be all cast down. + O Dublin, &c. + +The shoemakers came on the next, + And said they would much rather, +Than be by Wood's copper vext, + Take money stampt on leather. + O Dublin, &c. + +The chandlers next in order came, + And what they said was right, +They hoped the rogue that laid the scheme + Would soon be brought to light. + O Dublin, &c. + +And that if Wood were now withstood, + To his eternal scandal, +That twenty of these halfpence should + Not buy a farthing candle. + O Dublin, &c. + +The butchers then, those men so brave, + Spoke thus, and with a frown; +Should Wood, that cunning scoundrel knave, + Come here, we'd knock him down. + O Dublin, &c. + +For any rogue that comes to truck + And trick away our trade, +Deserves not only to be stuck, + But also to be flay'd. + O Dublin, &c. + +The bakers in a ferment were, + And wisely shook their head; +Should these brass tokens once come here + We'd all have lost our bread. + O Dublin, &c. + +It set the very tinkers mad, + The baseness of the metal, +Because, they said, it was so bad + It would not mend a kettle. + O Dublin, &c. + +The carpenters and joiners stood + Confounded in a maze, +They seem'd to be all in a wood, + And so they went their ways. + O Dublin, &c. + +This coin how well could we employ it + In raising of a statue, +To those brave men that would destroy it, + And then, old Wood, have at you. + O Dublin, &c. + +God prosper long our tradesmen then, + And so he will I hope, +May they be still such honest men, + When Wood has got a rope. + O Dublin is a fine town, &c. + + + + +VERSES +ON THE UPRIGHT JUDGE, WHO CONDEMNED THE DRAPIER'S PRINTER + +The church I hate, and have good reason, +For there my grandsire cut his weasand: +He cut his weasand at the altar; +I keep my gullet for the halter. + + + +ON THE SAME + +In church your grandsire cut his throat; + To do the job too long he tarried: +He should have had my hearty vote + To cut his throat before he married. + + + +ON THE SAME + +THE JUDGE SPEAKS + +I'm not the grandson of that ass Quin;[1] +Nor can you prove it, Mr. Pasquin. +My grandame had gallants by twenties, +And bore my mother by a 'prentice. +This when my grandsire knew, they tell us he +In Christ-Church cut his throat for jealousy. +And, since the alderman was mad you say, +Then I must be so too, _ex traduce_. + + +[Footnote 1: Alderman Quin, the judge's maternal grandfather, who cut his +throat in church.--_W. E. B._] + + + +EPIGRAM + +IN ANSWER TO THE DEAN'S VERSES +ON HIS OWN DEAFNESS [1] + + +What though the Dean hears not the knell +Of the next church's passing bell; +What though the thunder from a cloud, +Or that from female tongue more loud, +Alarm not; At the Drapier's ear, +Chink but Wood's halfpence, and he'll hear. + +[Footnote 1: See vol. i, p. 284.] + + + + +HORACE, BOOK I, ODE XIV +PARAPHRASED AND INSCRIBED TO IRELAND 1726 + +THE INSCRIPTION + + Poor floating isle, tost on ill fortune's waves, + Ordain'd by fate to be the land of slaves; + Shall moving Delos now deep-rooted stand; + Thou fix'd of old, be now the moving land! + Although the metaphor be worn and stale, + Betwixt a state, and vessel under sail; + Let me suppose thee for a ship a while, + And thus address thee in the sailor style. + +Unhappy ship, thou art return'd in vain; +New waves shall drive thee to the deep again.[1] +Look to thyself, and be no more the sport +Of giddy winds, but make some friendly port. +Lost are thy oars, that used thy course to guide, +Like faithful counsellors, on either side. +Thy mast, which like some aged patriot stood, +The single pillar for his country's good, +To lead thee, as a staff directs the blind, +Behold it cracks by yon rough eastern wind; +Your cables burst, and you must quickly feel +The waves impetuous enter at your keel; +Thus commonwealths receive a foreign yoke, +When the strong cords of union once are broke. +Tom by a sudden tempest is thy sail, +Expanded to invite a milder gale. + As when some writer in a public cause +His pen, to save a sinking nation, draws, +While all is calm, his arguments prevail; +The people's voice expands his paper sail; +Till power, discharging all her stormy bags, +Flutters the feeble pamphlet into rags, +The nation scared, the author doom'd to death, +Who fondly put his trust in poplar breath. + A larger sacrifice in vain you vow; +There's not a power above will help you now; +A nation thus, who oft Heaven's call neglects, +In vain from injured Heaven relief expects. + 'Twill not avail, when thy strong sides are broke +That thy descent is from the British oak; +Or, when your name and family you boast, +From fleets triumphant o'er the Gallic coast. +Such was Ierne's claim, as just as thine, +Her sons descended from the British line; +Her matchless sons, whose valour still remains +On French records for twenty long campaigns; +Yet, from an empress now a captive grown, +She saved Britannia's rights, and lost her own. + In ships decay'd no mariner confides, +Lured by the gilded stern and painted sides: +Yet at a ball unthinking fools delight +In the gay trappings of a birth-day night: +They on the gold brocades and satins raved, +And quite forgot their country was enslaved. +Dear vessel, still be to thy steerage just, +Nor change thy course with every sudden gust; +Like supple patriots of the modern sort, +Who turn with every gale that blows from court. + Weary and sea-sick, when in thee confined, +Now for thy safety cares distract my mind; +As those who long have stood the storms of state +Retire, yet still bemoan their country's fate. +Beware, and when you hear the surges roar, +Avoid the rocks on Britain's angry shore. +They lie, alas! too easy to be found; +For thee alone they lie the island round. + +[Footnote 1: + "O navis, referent in mare te novi + Fluctus! O quid agis?"] + + + + +VERSES +ON THE SUDDEN DRYING UP OF ST. PATRICK'S WELL +NEAR TRINITY COLLEGE, DUBLIN. 1726 + + +By holy zeal inspired, and led by fame, +To thee, once favourite isle, with joy I came; +What time the Goth, the Vandal, and the Hun, +Had my own native Italy[1] o'errun. +Ierne, to the world's remotest parts, +Renown'd for valour, policy, and arts. + Hither from Colchos,[2] with the fleecy ore, +Jason arrived two thousand years before. +Thee, happy island, Pallas call'd her own, +When haughty Britain was a land unknown:[3] +From thee, with pride, the Caledonians trace[4] +The glorious founder of their kingly race: +Thy martial sons, whom now they dare despise, +Did once their land subdue and civilize; +Their dress, their language, and the Scottish name, +Confess the soil from whence the victors came. +Well may they boast that ancient blood which runs +Within their veins, who are thy younger sons. +A conquest and a colony from thee, +The mother-kingdom left her children free; +From thee no mark of slavery they felt: +Not so with thee thy base invaders dealt; +Invited here to vengeful Morrough's aid,[5] +Those whom they could not conquer they betray'd. +Britain, by thee we fell, ungrateful isle! +Not by thy valour, but superior guile: +Britain, with shame, confess this land of mine +First taught thee human knowledge and divine; +My prelates and my students, sent from hence, +Made your sons converts both to God and sense: +Not like the pastors of thy ravenous breed, +Who come to fleece the flocks, and not to feed. + Wretched Ierne! with what grief I see +The fatal changes time has made in thee! +The Christian rites I introduced in vain: +Lo! infidelity return'd again! +Freedom and virtue in thy sons I found, +Who now in vice and slavery are drown'd. + By faith and prayer, this crosier in my hand, +I drove the venom'd serpent from thy land: +The shepherd in his bower might sleep or sing,[6] +Nor dread the adder's tooth, nor scorpion's sting. + With omens oft I strove to warn thy swains, +Omens, the types of thy impending chains. +I sent the magpie from the British soil, +With restless beak thy blooming fruit to spoil; +To din thine ears with unharmonious clack, +And haunt thy holy walls in white and black. +What else are those thou seest in bishop's gear, +Who crop the nurseries of learning here; +Aspiring, greedy, full of senseless prate, +Devour the church, and chatter to the state? + As you grew more degenerate and base, +I sent you millions of the croaking race; +Emblems of insects vile, who spread their spawn +Through all thy land, in armour, fur, and lawn; +A nauseous brood, that fills your senate walls, +And in the chambers of your viceroy crawls! + See, where that new devouring vermin runs, +Sent in my anger from the land of Huns! +With harpy-claws it undermines the ground, +And sudden spreads a numerous offspring round. +Th' amphibious tyrant, with his ravenous band, +Drains all thy lakes of fish, of fruits thy land. + Where is the holy well that bore my name? +Fled to the fountain back, from whence it came! +Fair Freedom's emblem once, which smoothly flows, +And blessings equally on all bestows. +Here, from the neighbouring nursery of arts,[7] +The students, drinking, raised their wit and parts; +Here, for an age and more, improved their vein, +Their Phoebus I, my spring their Hippocrene. +Discouraged youths! now all their hopes must fail, +Condemn'd to country cottages and ale; +To foreign prelates make a slavish court, +And by their sweat procure a mean support; +Or, for the classics, read "The Attorney's Guide;" +Collect excise, or wait upon the tide. + Oh! had I been apostle to the Swiss, +Or hardy Scot, or any land but this; +Combined in arms, they had their foes defied, +And kept their liberty, or bravely died; +Thou still with tyrants in succession curst, +The last invaders trampling on the first; +Nor fondly hope for some reverse of fate, +Virtue herself would now return too late. +Not half thy course of misery is run, +Thy greatest evils yet are scarce begun. +Soon shall thy sons (the time is just at hand) +Be all made captives in their native land; +When for the use of no Hibernian born, +Shall rise one blade of grass, one ear of corn; +When shells and leather shall for money pass, +Nor thy oppressing lords afford thee brass,[8] +But all turn leasers to that mongrel breed,[9] +Who, from thee sprung, yet on thy vitals feed; +Who to yon ravenous isle thy treasures bear, +And waste in luxury thy harvest there; +For pride and ignorance a proverb grown, +The jest of wits, and to the court unknown. + I scorn thy spurious and degenerate line, +And from this hour my patronage resign. + + +[Footnote 1: Italy was not properly the native place of St. Patrick, but +the place of his education, and whence he received his mission; and +because he had his new birth there, by poetical license, and by scripture +figure, our author calls that country his native Italy.--_Dublin +Edition_.] + +[Footnote 2: Orpheus, or the ancient author of the Greek poem on the +Argonautic expedition, whoever he be, says, that Jason, who manned the +ship Argos at Thessaly, sailed to Ireland. And Adrianus Junius says the +same thing, in these lines: + "Ilia ego sum Graiis, olim glacialis Ierne + Dicta, et Jasoniae puppis bene cognita nautis."--_Dublin Edition_.] + +[Footnote 3: Tacitus, comparing Ireland to Britain, says of the former: +"Melius aditus portusque per commercia et negotiatores +cogniti."--_Agricola,_ xxiv.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Fordun, in his Scoti-Chronicon, Hector Boethius, Buchanan, +and all the Scottish historians, agree that Fergus, son of Ferquard, King +of Ireland, was the first King of Scotland, which country he +subdued.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 5: In the reign of Henry II, 1172, Dermot Macmorrogh, King of +Leinster, having been expelled from his kingdom by Roderick, King of +Connaught, sought and obtained the assistance of the English for the +recovery of his dominions. See Hume's "History of England," vol. i, +p. 380.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 6: There are no snakes, vipers, or toads in Ireland; and even +frogs were not known here till about the year 1700. The magpies came a +short time before; and the Norway rats since.--_Dublin Edition_. These +plagues are all alluded to in this and the subsequent stanzas.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 7: The University of Dublin, called Trinity College, was +founded by Queen Elizabeth in 1591.--_Dublin Edition_.] + +[Footnote 8: Wood's ruinous project against the people of Ireland was +supported by Sir Robert Walpole in 1724.--_Dublin Edition_.] + +[Footnote 9: The absentees, who spent the income of their Irish estates, +places, and pensions, in England.--_Dublin Edition_.] + + + + +ON READING DR. YOUNG'S SATIRE, +CALLED THE UNIVERSAL PASSION +1726 + + +If there be truth in what you sing, +Such godlike virtues in the king; +A minister[1] so fill'd with zeal +And wisdom for the commonweal; +If he[2] who in the chair presides, +So steadily the senate guides; +If others, whom you make your theme, +Are seconds in the glorious scheme; +If every peer whom you commend, +To worth and learning be a friend; +If this be truth, as you attest, +What land was ever half so blest! +No falsehood now among the great, +And tradesmen now no longer cheat: +Now on the bench fair Justice shines; +Her scale to neither side inclines: +Now Pride and Cruelty are flown, +And Mercy here exalts her throne; +For such is good example's power, +It does its office every hour, +Where governors are good and wise; +Or else the truest maxim lies: +For so we find all ancient sages +Decree, that, _ad exemplum regis_, +Through all the realm his virtues run, +Ripening and kindling like the sun. +If this be true, then how much more +When you have named at least a score +Of courtiers, each in their degree, +If possible, as good as he? + Or take it in a different view. +I ask (if what you say be true) +If you affirm the present age +Deserves your satire's keenest rage; +If that same universal passion +With every vice has fill'd the nation: +If virtue dares not venture down +A single step beneath the crown: +If clergymen, to show their wit, +Praise classics more than holy writ: +If bankrupts, when they are undone, +Into the senate-house can run, +And sell their votes at such a rate, +As will retrieve a lost estate: +If law be such a partial whore, +To spare the rich, and plague the poor: +If these be of all crimes the worst, +What land was ever half so curst? + + +[Footnote 1: Sir Robert Walpole, afterwards Earl of Orford. Young's +seventh satire is inscribed to him.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: Sir Spencer Compton, then Speaker, afterwards Earl of +Wilmington, to whom the eighth satire is dedicated. See vol. i, +219.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +THE DOG AND THIEF. 1726 + +Quoth the thief to the dog, let me into your door + And I'll give you these delicate bits. +Quoth the dog, I shall then be more villain than you're, + And besides must be out of my wits. + +Your delicate bits will not serve me a meal, + But my master each day gives me bread; +You'll fly, when you get what you came here to steal, + And I must be hang'd in your stead. + +The stockjobber thus from 'Change Alley goes down, + And tips you the freeman a wink; +Let me have but your vote to serve for the town, + And here is a guinea to drink. + +Says the freeman, your guinea to-night would be spent! + Your offers of bribery cease: +I'll vote for my landlord to whom I pay rent, + Or else I may forfeit my lease. + +From London they come, silly people to chouse, + Their lands and their faces unknown: +Who'd vote a rogue into the parliament-house, + That would turn a man out of his own? + + + +A DIALOGUE[1] BETWEEN MAD MULLINIX AND TIMOTHY +1728 + +_M_. +I own, 'tis not my bread and butter, +But prithee, Tim, why all this clutter? +Why ever in these raging fits, +Damning to hell the Jacobites? +When if you search the kingdom round, +There's hardly twenty to be found; +No, not among the priests and friars---- + _T_. 'Twixt you and me, G--d d--n the liars! + _M_. The Tories are gone every man over +To our illustrious house of Hanover; +From all their conduct this is plain; +And then---- + _T_. G--d d--n the liars again! +Did not an earl but lately vote, +To bring in (I could cut his throat) +Our whole accounts of public debts? + _M_. Lord, how this frothy coxcomb frets! [_Aside._ + _T_. Did not an able statesman bishop +This dangerous horrid motion dish up +As Popish craft? did he not rail on't? +Show fire and fagot in the tail on't? +Proving the earl a grand offender; +And in a plot for the Pretender; +Whose fleet, 'tis all our friends' opinion, +Was then embarking at Avignon? + _M_. These wrangling jars of Whig and Tory, +Are stale and worn as Troy-town story: +The wrong, 'tis certain, you were both in, +And now you find you fought for nothing. +Your faction, when their game was new, +Might want such noisy fools as you; +But you, when all the show is past, +Resolve to stand it out the last; +Like Martin Marall,[2] gaping on, +Not minding when the song is done. +When all the bees are gone to settle, +You clatter still your brazen kettle. +The leaders whom you listed under, +Have dropt their arms, and seized the plunder; +And when the war is past, you come +To rattle in their ears your drum: +And as that hateful hideous Grecian, +Thersites,[3] (he was your relation,) +Was more abhorr'd and scorn'd by those +With whom he served, than by his foes; +So thou art grown the detestation +Of all thy party through the nation: +Thy peevish and perpetual teasing +With plots, and Jacobites, and treason, +Thy busy never-meaning face, +Thy screw'd-up front, thy state grimace, +Thy formal nods, important sneers, +Thy whisperings foisted in all ears, +(Which are, whatever you may think, +But nonsense wrapt up in a stink,) +Have made thy presence, in a true sense, +To thy own side, so d--n'd a nuisance, +That, when they have you in their eye, +As if the devil drove, they fly. + _T_. My good friend Mullinix, forbear; +I vow to G--, you're too severe: +If it could ever yet be known +I took advice, except my own, +It should be yours; but, d--n my blood! +I must pursue the public good: +The faction (is it not notorious?) +[4]Keck at the memory of Glorious:[5] +'Tis true; nor need I to be told, +My _quondam_ friends are grown so cold, +That scarce a creature can be found +To prance with me his statue round. +The public safety, I foresee, +Henceforth depends alone on me; +And while this vital breath I blow, +Or from above or from below, +I'll sputter, swagger, curse, and rail, +The Tories' terror, scourge, and flail. + _M_. Tim, you mistake the matter quite; +The Tories! you are their delight; +And should you act a different part, +Be grave and wise, 'twould break their heart. +Why, Tim, you have a taste you know, +And often see a puppet-show: +Observe the audience is in pain, +While Punch is hid behind the scene: +But, when they hear his rusty voice, +With what impatience they rejoice! +And then they value not two straws, +How Solomon decides the cause, +Which the true mother, which pretender +Nor listen to the witch of Endor. +Should Faustus with the devil behind him +Enter the stage, they never mind him: +If Punch, to stir their fancy, shows +In at the door his monstrous nose, +Then sudden draws it back again; +O what a pleasure mixt with pain! +You every moment think an age, +Till he appears upon the stage: +And first his bum you see him clap +Upon the Queen of Sheba's lap: +The Duke of Lorraine drew his sword; +Punch roaring ran, and running roar'd, +Reviled all people in his jargon, +And sold the King of Spain a bargain; +St. George himself he plays the wag on, +And mounts astride upon the dragon; +He gets a thousand thumps and kicks, +Yet cannot leave his roguish tricks; +In every action thrusts his nose; +The reason why, no mortal knows: +In doleful scenes that break our heart, +Punch comes like you, and lets a fart. +There's not a puppet made of wood, +But what would hang him if they could; +While, teasing all, by all he's teased, +How well are the spectators pleased! +Who in the motion[6] have no share, +But purely come to hear and stare; +Have no concern for Sabra's sake, +Which gets the better, saint or snake, +Provided Punch (for there's the jest) +Be soundly maul'd, and plague the rest. + Thus, Tim, philosophers suppose, +The world consists of puppet-shows; +Where petulant conceited fellows +Perform the part of Punchinelloes: +So at this booth which we call Dublin, +Tim, thou'rt the Punch to stir up trouble in: +You wriggle, fidge, and make a rout, +Put all your brother puppets out, +Run on in a perpetual round, +To tease, perplex, disturb, confound: +Intrude with monkey grin and clatter +To interrupt all serious matter; +Are grown the nuisance of your clan, +Who hate and scorn you to a man: +But then the lookers-on, the Tories, +You still divert with merry stories, +They would consent that all the crew +Were hang'd before they'd part with you. + But tell me, Tim, upon the spot, +By all this toil what hast thou got? +If Tories must have all the sport, +I fear you'll be disgraced at court. + _T_. Got? D--n my blood! I frank my letters, +Walk to my place before my betters; +And, simple as I now stand here, +Expect in time to be a peer-- +Got? D--n me! why I got my will! +Ne'er hold my peace, and ne'er stand still: +I fart with twenty ladies by; +They call me beast; and what care I? +I bravely call the Tories Jacks, +And sons of whores--behind their backs. +But could you bring me once to think, +That when I strut, and stare, and stink, +Revile and slander, fume and storm, +Betray, make oath, impeach, inform, +With such a constant loyal zeal +To serve myself and commonweal, +And fret the Tories' souls to death, +I did but lose my precious breath; +And, when I damn my soul to plague 'em, +Am, as you tell me, but their May-game; +Consume my vitals! they shall know, +I am not to be treated so; +I'd rather hang myself by half, +Than give those rascals cause to laugh. + But how, my friend, can I endure, +Once so renown'd, to live obscure? +No little boys and girls to cry, +"There's nimble Tim a-passing by!" +No more my dear delightful way tread +Of keeping up a party hatred? +Will none the Tory dogs pursue, +When through the streets I cry halloo? +Must all my d--n me's! bloods and wounds! +Pass only now for empty sounds? +Shall Tory rascals be elected, +Although I swear them disaffected? +And when I roar, "a plot, a plot!" +Will our own party mind me not? +So qualified to swear and lie, +Will they not trust me for a spy? + Dear Mullinix, your good advice +I beg; you see the case is nice: +O! were I equal in renown, +Like thee to please this thankless town! +Or blest with such engaging parts +To win the truant schoolboys' hearts! +Thy virtues meet their just reward, +Attended by the sable guard. +Charm'd by thy voice, the 'prentice drops +The snow-ball destined at thy chops; +Thy graceful steps, and colonel's air, +Allure the cinder-picking fair. + _M_. No more--in mark of true affection, +I take thee under my protection; +Your parts are good, 'tis not denied; +I wish they had been well applied. +But now observe my counsel, _(viz.)_ +Adapt your habit to your phiz; +You must no longer thus equip ye, +As Horace says _optat ephippia;_ +(There's Latin, too, that you may see +How much improved by Dr.--) +I have a coat at home, that you may try: +'Tis just like this, which hangs by geometry; +My hat has much the nicer air; +Your block will fit it to a hair; +That wig, I would not for the world +Have it so formal, and so curl'd; +'Twill be so oily and so sleek, +When I have lain in it a week, +You'll find it well prepared to take +The figure of toupee and snake. +Thus dress'd alike from top to toe, +That which is which 'tis hard to know, +When first in public we appear, +I'll lead the van, keep you the rear: +Be careful, as you walk behind; +Use all the talents of your mind; +Be studious well to imitate +My portly motion, mien, and gait; +Mark my address, and learn my style, +When to look scornful, when to smile; +Nor sputter out your oaths so fast, +But keep your swearing to the last. +Then at our leisure we'll be witty, +And in the streets divert the city; +The ladies from the windows gaping, +The children all our motions aping. +Your conversation to refine, +I'll take you to some friends of mine, +Choice spirits, who employ their parts +To mend the world by useful arts; +Some cleansing hollow tubes, to spy +Direct the zenith of the sky; +Some have the city in their care, +From noxious steams to purge the air; +Some teach us in these dangerous days +How to walk upright in our ways; +Some whose reforming hands engage +To lash the lewdness of the age; +Some for the public service go +Perpetual envoys to and fro: +Whose able heads support the weight +Of twenty ministers of state. +We scorn, for want of talk, to jabber +Of parties o'er our bonnyclabber; +Nor are we studious to inquire, +Who votes for manors, who for hire: +Our care is, to improve the mind +With what concerns all human kind; +The various scenes of mortal life; +Who beats her husband, who his wife; +Or how the bully at a stroke +Knock'd down the boy, the lantern broke. +One tells the rise of cheese and oatmeal; +Another when he got a hot-meal; +One gives advice in proverbs old, +Instructs us how to tame a scold; +One shows how bravely Audouin died, +And at the gallows all denied; +How by the almanack 'tis clear, +That herrings will be cheap this year. + _T_. Dear Mullinix, I now lament +My precious time so long mispent, +By nature meant for nobler ends: +O, introduce me to your friends! +For whom by birth I was design'd, +Till politics debased my mind; +I give myself entire to you; +G---d d--n the Whigs and Tories too! + + +[Footnote 1: This is a severe satire upon Richard Tighe, Esq., whom the +Dean regarded as the officious informer against Sheridan, in the matter +of the choice of a text for the accession of George I, Swift had +faithfully promised to revenge the cause of his friend, and has certainly +fully redeemed his pledge, in this and the following pasquinades. Mad +Mullinix, or Molyneux, was a sort of crazy beggar, a Tory politician in +His madness, who haunted the streets of Dublin about this time. In a +paper subscribed Dr. Anthony, apparently a mountebank of somewhat the +same description, the doctor is made to vindicate his loyalty and regard +for the present constitution in church and state, by declaring that he +always acted contrary to the politics of Captain John Molyneux. The +immediate occasion for publication is assigned in the Intelligencer, in +which paper the dialogue first appeared.--_Scott_. + +"Having lately had an account, that a certain person of some distinction +swore in a public coffee-house, that party should never die while he +lived, (although it has been the endeavour of the best and wisest among +us, to abolish the ridiculous appellations of Whig and Tory, and entirely +to turn our thoughts to the good of our prince and constitution in church +and state,) I hope those who are well-wishers to our country, will think +my labour not ill-bestowed, in giving this gentleman's principles the +proper embellishments which they deserve; and since Mad Mullinix is the +only Tory now remaining, who dares own himself to be so, I hope I may not +be censured by those of his party, for making him hold a dialogue with +one of less consequence on the other side. I shall not venture so far as +to give the Christian nick-name of the person chiefly concerned, lest I +should give offence, for which reason I shall call him Timothy, and leave +the rest to the conjecture of the world."--_Intelligencer_, No. viii. See +an account of this paper in "Prose Works," ix, 311.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: "Sir Martin Marall," one of Dryden's most successful +comedies. See Malone's "Life of Dryden," p. 93.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: "Ilias," lib. ii, 211, _seq.--W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: To reach at vomiting.] + +[Footnote 5: King William III.] + +[Footnote 6: Old word for a puppet-show.--_Scott_.] + + + + +TIM AND THE FABLES + + +MY meaning will be best unravell'd, +When I premise that Tim has travell'd. +In Lucas's by chance there lay +The Fables writ by Mr. Gay. +Tim set the volume on a table, +Read over here and there a fable: +And found, as he the pages twirl'd, +The monkey who had seen the world; +(For Tonson had, to help the sale, +Prefix'd a cut to every tale.) +The monkey was completely drest, +The beau in all his airs exprest. +Tim, with surprise and pleasure staring, +Ran to the glass, and then comparing +His own sweet figure with the print, +Distinguish'd every feature in't, +The twist, the squeeze, the rump, the fidge in all, +Just as they look'd in the original. +"By --," says Tim, and let a f--t, +"This graver understood his art. +'Tis a true copy, I'll say that for't; +I well remember when I sat for't. +My very face, at first I knew it; +Just in this dress the painter drew it." +Tim, with his likeness deeply smitten, +Would read what underneath was written, +The merry tale, with moral grave; +He now began to storm and rave: +"The cursed villain! now I see +This was a libel meant at me: +These scribblers grow so bold of late +Against us ministers of state! +Such Jacobites as he deserve-- +D--n me! I say they ought to starve." + + + + +TOM AND DICK[1] + + +Tim[2] and Dick had equal fame, + And both had equal knowledge; +Tom could write and spell his name, + But Dick had seen the college. + +Dick a coxcomb, Tom was mad, + And both alike diverting; +Tom was held the merrier lad, + But Dick the best at farting. + +Dick would cock his nose in scorn, + But Tom was kind and loving; +Tom a footboy bred and born, + But Dick was from an oven.[3] + +Dick could neatly dance a jig, + But Tom was best at borees; +Tom would pray for every Whig, + And Dick curse all the Tories. + +Dick would make a woful noise, + And scold at an election; +Tom huzza'd the blackguard boys, + And held them in subjection. + +Tom could move with lordly grace, + Dick nimbly skipt the gutter; +Tom could talk with solemn face, + But Dick could better sputter. + +Dick was come to high renown + Since he commenced physician; +Tom was held by all the town + The deeper politician. + +Tom had the genteeler swing, + His hat could nicely put on; +Dick knew better how to swing + His cane upon a button. + +Dick for repartee was fit, + And Tom for deep discerning; +Dick was thought the brighter wit, + But Tom had better learning. + +Dick with zealous noes and ayes + Could roar as loud as Stentor, +In the house 'tis all he says; + But Tom is eloquenter. + + +[Footnote 1: This satire is a parody on a song then +fashionable.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: Sir Thomas Prendergast. See _post_, "The Legion Club."] + +[Footnote 3: Tighe's ancestor was a contractor for furnishing the +Parliament forces with bread during the civil wars. Hence Swift calls him +Elsewhere Pistorides. See "Prose Works," vii, 233; and in "The Legion +Club," Dick Fitzbaker.--_W.E.B_.] + + + + +DICK, A MAGGOT + +As when, from rooting in a bin, +All powder'd o'er from tail to chin, +A lively maggot sallies out, +You know him by his hazel snout: +So when the grandson of his grandsire +Forth issues wriggling, Dick Drawcansir, +With powder'd rump and back and side, +You cannot blanch his tawny hide; +For 'tis beyond the power of meal +The gipsy visage to conceal; +For as he shakes his wainscot chops, +Down every mealy atom drops, +And leaves the tartar phiz in show, +Like a fresh t--d just dropp'd on snow. + + + + +CLAD ALL IN BROWN + +TO DICK[1] + + Foulest brute that stinks below, + Why in this brown dost thou appear? + For wouldst thou make a fouler show, + Thou must go naked all the year. +Fresh from the mud, a wallowing sow +Would then be not so brown as thou. + + 'Tis not the coat that looks so dun, + His hide emits a foulness out; + Not one jot better looks the sun + Seen from behind a dirty clout. +So t--ds within a glass enclose, +The glass will seem as brown as those. + + Thou now one heap of foulness art, + All outward and within is foul; + Condensed filth in every part, + Thy body's clothed like thy soul: +Thy soul, which through thy hide of buff +Scarce glimmers like a dying snuff. + + Old carted bawds such garments wear, + When pelted all with dirt they shine; + Such their exalted bodies are, + As shrivell'd and as black as thine. +If thou wert in a cart, I fear +Thou wouldst be pelted worse than they're. + + Yet, when we see thee thus array'd, + The neighbours think it is but just, + That thou shouldst take an honest trade, + And weekly carry out the dust. +Of cleanly houses who will doubt, +When Dick cries "Dust to carry out!" + + +[Footnote 1: This is a parody on the tenth poem of Cowley's "Mistress," +entitled, "Clad all in White."--_Scott_.] + + + + +DICK'S VARIETY + +Dull uniformity in fools +I hate, who gape and sneer by rules; +You, Mullinix, and slobbering C---- +Who every day and hour the same are +That vulgar talent I despise +Of pissing in the rabble's eyes. +And when I listen to the noise +Of idiots roaring to the boys; +To better judgment still submitting, +I own I see but little wit in: +Such pastimes, when our taste is nice, +Can please at most but once or twice. + But then consider Dick, you'll find +His genius of superior kind; +He never muddles in the dirt, +Nor scours the streets without a shirt; +Though Dick, I dare presume to say, +Could do such feats as well as they. +Dick I could venture everywhere, +Let the boys pelt him if they dare, +He'd have them tried at the assizes +For priests and jesuits in disguises; +Swear they were with the Swedes at Bender, +And listing troops for the Pretender. + But Dick can f--t, and dance, and frisk, +No other monkey half so brisk; +Now has the speaker by his ears, +Next moment in the House of Peers; +Now scolding at my Lady Eustace, +Or thrashing Baby in her new stays.[1] +Presto! begone; with t'other hop +He's powdering in a barber's shop; +Now at the antichamber thrusting +His nose, to get the circle just in; +And damns his blood that in the rear +He sees a single Tory there: +Then woe be to my lord-lieutenant, +Again he'll tell him, and again on't[2] + + +[Footnote 1: "Dick Tighe and his wife lodged over against us; and he has +been seen, out of our upper windows, beating her two or three times; ... +I am told she is the most urging, provoking devil that ever was born; and +he a hot whiffling puppy, very apt to resent."--Journal to Stella, "Prose +Works," ii, 229.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Farquhar, who inscribed his play of the "Inconstant" to +Richard Tighe, has painted him in very different colours from those of +the Dean's satirical pencil. Yet there may be discerned, even in that +dedication, the oulines of a light mercurial character, capable of being +represented as a coxcomb or fine gentleman, as should suit the purpose of +the writer who was disposed to immortalize him.--_Scott_.] + + + +TRAULUS. PART I + +A DIALOGUE BETWEEN TOM AND ROBIN[1] +1730 + +_Tom_. +Say, Robin, what can Traulus[2] mean +By bellowing thus against the Dean? +Why does he call him paltry scribbler, +Papist, and Jacobite, and libeller, +Yet cannot prove a single fact? + +_Robin_. Forgive him, Tom: his head is crackt. + +_T_. What mischief can the Dean have done him, +That Traulus calls for vengeance on him? +Why must he sputter, spawl, and slaver it +In vain against the people's favourite? +Revile that nation-saving paper, +Which gave the Dean the name of Drapier? + +_R_. Why, Tom, I think the case is plain; +Party and spleen have turn'd his brain. + +_T_. Such friendship never man profess'd, +The Dean was never so caress'd; +For Traulus long his rancour nursed, +Till, God knows why, at last it burst. +That clumsy outside of a porter, +How could it thus conceal a courtier? + +_R_. I own, appearances are bad; +Yet still insist the man is mad. + +_T_. Yet many a wretch in Bedlam knows +How to distinguish friends from foes; +And though perhaps among the rout +He wildly flings his filth about, +He still has gratitude and sap'ence, +To spare the folks that give him ha'pence; +Nor in their eyes at random pisses, +But turns aside, like mad Ulysses; +While Traulus all his ordure scatters +To foul the man he chiefly flatters. +Whence comes these inconsistent fits? + +_R_. Why, Tom, the man has lost his wits. + +_T_, Agreed: and yet, when Towzer snaps +At people's heels, with frothy chaps, +Hangs down his head, and drops his tail, +To say he's mad will not avail; +The neighbours all cry, "Shoot him dead, +Hang, drown, or knock him on the head." +So Traulus, when he first harangued, +I wonder why he was not hang'd; +For of the two, without dispute, +Towzer's the less offensive brute. + +_R_, Tom, you mistake the matter quite; +Your barking curs will seldom bite +And though you hear him stut-tut-tut-ter, +He barks as fast as he can utter. +He prates in spite of all impediment, +While none believes that what he said he meant; +Puts in his finger and his thumb +To grope for words, and out they come. +He calls you rogue; there's nothing in it, +He fawns upon you in a minute: +"Begs leave to rail, but, d--n his blood! +He only meant it for your good: +His friendship was exactly timed, +He shot before your foes were primed: +By this contrivance, Mr. Dean, +By G--! I'll bring you off as clean--"[3] +Then let him use you e'er so rough, +"'Twas all for love," and that's enough. +But, though he sputter through a session, +It never makes the least impression: +Whate'er he speaks for madness goes, +With no effect on friends or foes. + +_T_. The scrubbiest cur in all the pack +Can set the mastiff on your back. +I own, his madness is a jest, +If that were all. But he's possest +Incarnate with a thousand imps, +To work whose ends his madness pimps; +Who o'er each string and wire preside, +Fill every pipe, each motion guide; +Directing every vice we find +In Scripture to the devil assign'd; +Sent from the dark infernal region, +In him they lodge, and make him legion. +Of brethren he's a false accuser; +A slanderer, traitor, and seducer; +A fawning, base, trepanning liar; +The marks peculiar of his sire. +Or, grant him but a drone at best; +A drone can raise a hornet's nest. +The Dean had felt their stings before; +And must their malice ne'er give o'er? +Still swarm and buzz about his nose? +But Ireland's friends ne'er wanted foes. +A patriot is a dangerous post, +When wanted by his country most; +Perversely comes in evil times, +Where virtues are imputed crimes. +His guilt is clear, the proofs are pregnant; +A traitor to the vices regnant. + What spirit, since the world began, +Could always bear to strive with man? +Which God pronounced he never would, +And soon convinced them by a flood. +Yet still the Dean on freedom raves; +His spirit always strives with slaves. +'Tis time at last to spare his ink, +And let them rot, or hang, or sink. + + +[Footnote 1: Son of Dr. Charles Leslie.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 4: Joshua, Lord Allen. For particulars of the satire upon this +individual, see "Advertisement by Swift in his defence against Joshua, +Lord Allen," "Prose Works," vii, 168-175, and notes.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: This is the usual excuse of Traulus, when he abuses you to +others without provocation.--_Swift_.] + + + + +TRAULUS. PART II + +TRAULUS, of amphibious breed, +Motley fruit of mongrel seed; +By the dam from lordlings sprung. +By the sire exhaled from dung: +Think on every vice in both, +Look on him, and see their growth. + View him on the mother's side,[2] +Fill'd with falsehood, spleen, and pride; +Positive and overbearing, +Changing still, and still adhering; +Spiteful, peevish, rude, untoward, +Fierce in tongue, in heart a coward; +When his friends he most is hard on, +Cringing comes to beg their pardon; +Reputation ever tearing, +Ever dearest friendship swearing; +Judgment weak, and passion strong, +Always various, always wrong; +Provocation never waits, +Where he loves, or where he hates; +Talks whate'er comes in his head; +Wishes it were all unsaid. + Let me now the vices trace, +From the father's scoundrel race. +Who could give the looby such airs? +Were they masons, were they butchers? +Herald, lend the Muse an answer +From his _atavus_ and grandsire:[1] +This was dexterous at his trowel, +That was bred to kill a cow well: +Hence the greasy clumsy mien +In his dress and figure seen; +Hence the mean and sordid soul, +Like his body, rank and foul; +Hence that wild suspicious peep, +Like a rogue that steals a sheep; +Hence he learnt the butcher's guile, +How to cut your throat and smile; +Like a butcher, doom'd for life +In his mouth to wear a knife: +Hence he draws his daily food +From his tenants' vital blood. + Lastly, let his gifts be tried, +Borrow'd from the mason's side: +Some perhaps may think him able +In the state to build a Babel; +Could we place him in a station +To destroy the old foundation. +True indeed I should be gladder +Could he learn to mount a ladder: +May he at his latter end +Mount alive and dead descend! +In him tell me which prevail, +Female vices most, or male? +What produced him, can you tell? +Human race, or imps of Hell? + + +[Footnote 1: The mother of Lord Alen was sister to Robert, Earl of +Kildare.--_Scott_] + +[Footnote 2: John, Lord Allen, father of Joshua, the Traulus of the +satire, was son of Sir Joshua Allen, Lord Mayor of Dublin in 1673, and +grandson of John Allen, an architect in great esteem in the reign of +Queen Elizabeth._Scott_] + + + + +A FABLE OF THE LION +AND OTHER BEASTS + +One time a mighty plague did pester +All beasts domestic and sylvester, +The doctors all in concert join'd, +To see if they the cause could find; +And tried a world of remedies, +But none could conquer the disease. +The lion in this consternation. +Sends out his royal proclamation, +To all his loving subjects greeting, +Appointing them a solemn meeting: +And when they're gather'd round his den, +He spoke,--My lords and gentlemen, +I hope you're met full of the sense +Of this devouring pestilence; +For sure such heavy punishment, +On common crimes is rarely sent; +It must be some important cause, +Some great infraction of the laws. +Then let us search our consciences, +And every one his faults confess: +Let's judge from biggest to the least +That he that is the foulest beast, +May for a sacrifice be given +To stop the wrath of angry Heaven. +And since no one is free from sin, +I with myself will first begin. +I have done many a thing that's ill +From a propensity to kill, +Slain many an ox, and, what is worse, +Have murder'd many a gallant horse; +Robb'd woods and fens, and, like a glutton, +Devour'd whole flocks of lamb and mutton; +Nay sometimes, for I dare not lie, +The shepherd went for company.-- +He had gone on, but Chancellor Fox +Stands up----What signifies an ox? +What signifies a horse? Such things +Are honour'd when made sport for kings. +Then for the sheep, those foolish cattle, +Not fit for courage, or for battle; +And being tolerable meat, +They're good for nothing but to eat. +The shepherd too, young enemy, +Deserves no better destiny. +Sir, sir, your conscience is too nice, +Hunting's a princely exercise: +And those being all your subjects born, +Just when you please are to be torn. +And, sir, if this will not content ye, +We'll vote it nemine contradicente. +Thus after him they all confess, +They had been rogues, some more some less; +And yet by little slight excuses, +They all get clear of great abuses. +The Bear, the Tiger, beasts of flight, +And all that could but scratch and bite, +Nay e'en the Cat, of wicked nature, +That kills in sport her fellow-creature, +Went scot-free; but his gravity, +An ass of stupid memory, +Confess'd, as he went to a fair, +His back half broke with wooden-ware, +Chancing unluckily to pass +By a church-yard full of good grass, +Finding they'd open left the gate, +He ventured in, stoop'd down and ate +Hold, says Judge Wolf, such are the crimes +Have brought upon us these sad times, +'Twas sacrilege, and this vile ass +Shall die for eating holy grass. + + + + +ON THE IRISH BISHOPS.[1] 1731 + +Old Latimer preaching did fairly describe +A bishop, who ruled all the rest of his tribe; +And who is this bishop? and where does he dwell? +Why truly 'tis Satan, Archbishop of Hell. +And He was a primate, and He wore a mitre, +Surrounded with jewels of sulphur and nitre. +How nearly this bishop our bishops resembles! +But he has the odds, who believes and who trembles, +Could you see his grim grace, for a pound to a penny, +You'd swear it must be the baboon of Kilkenny:[2] +Poor Satan will think the comparison odious, +I wish I could find him out one more commodious; +But, this I am sure, the most reverend old dragon +Has got on the bench many bishops suffragan; +And all men believe he resides there incog, +To give them by turns an invisible jog. +Our bishops, puft up with wealth and with pride, +To hell on the backs of the clergy would ride. +They mounted and labour'd with whip and with spur +In vain--for the devil a parson would stir. +So the commons unhors'd them; and this was their doom, +On their crosiers to ride like a witch on a broom. +Though they gallop'd so fast, on the road you may find 'em, +And have left us but three out of twenty behind 'em. +Lord Bolton's good grace, Lord Carr and Lord Howard,[3] +In spite of the devil would still be untoward: +They came of good kindred, and could not endure +Their former companions should beg at their door. + When Christ was betray'd to Pilate the pretor +Of a dozen apostles but one proved a traitor: +One traitor alone, and faithful eleven; +But we can afford you six traitors in seven. + What a clutter with clippings, dividings, and cleavings! +And the clergy forsooth must take up with their leavings; +If making divisions was all their intent, +They've done it, we thank them, but not as they meant; +And so may such bishops for ever divide, +That no honest heathen would be on their side. +How should we rejoice, if, like Judas the first, +Those splitters of parsons in sunder should burst! + Now hear an allusion:--A mitre, you know, +Is divided above, but united below. +If this you consider our emblem is right; +The bishops divide, but the clergy unite. +Should the bottom be split, our bishops would dread +That the mitre would never stick fast on their head: +And yet they have learnt the chief art of a sovereign, +As Machiavel taught them, "divide and ye govern." +But courage, my lords, though it cannot be said +That one cloven tongue ever sat on your head; +I'll hold you a groat (and I wish I could see't) +If your stockings were off, you could show cloven feet. + But hold, cry the bishops, and give us fair play; +Before you condemn us, hear what we can say. +What truer affections could ever be shown, +Than saving your souls by damning our own? +And have we not practised all methods to gain you; +With the tithe of the tithe of the tithe to maintain you; +Provided a fund for building you spittals! +You are only to live four years without victuals. +Content, my good lords; but let us change hands; +First take you our tithes, and give us your lands. +So God bless the Church and three of our mitres; +And God bless the Commons, for biting the biters. + + +[Footnote 1: Occasioned by two bills; a Bill of Residence to compel the +clergy to reside on their livings, and a Bill of Division, to divide the +church livings. See Considerations upon two Bills, "Prose Works," iii, +and Swift's letter to the Bishop of Clogher, July, 1733, in which he +describes "those two abominable bills for enslaving and beggaring the +clergy." Edit. Scott, xviii, p. 147. The bills were passed by the House +of Lords, but rejected by the Commons. See note, next page.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Dr. Tennison, Bishop of Ossory, who promoted the Bills. See +"Prose Works," xii, p.26.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: Theophilus Bolton, Archbishop of Cashel from 1729 to 1744; +Charles Carr, Bishop of Killaloe from 1716 to 1739; and Robert Howard, +Bishop of Elphin from 1729 to 1740, who voted against the bills on a +division.--_W. E. B._] + + + +HORACE, BOOK IV, ODE IX + +ADDRESSED TO HUMPHRY FRENCH, ESQ.[1] +LATE LORD MAYOR OF DUBLIN + +PATRON of the tuneful throng, + O! too nice, and too severe! +Think not, that my country song + Shall displease thy honest ear. +Chosen strains I proudly bring, + Which the Muses' sacred choir, +When they gods and heroes sing, + Dictate to th' harmonious lyre. +Ancient Homer, princely bard! + Just precedence still maintains, +With sacred rapture still are heard + Theban Pindar's lofty strains. +Still the old triumphant song, + Which, when hated tyrants fell, +Great Alcaeus boldly sung, + Warns, instructs, and pleases well. +Nor has Time's all-darkening shade + In obscure oblivion press'd +What Anacreon laugh'd and play'd; + Gay Anacreon, drunken priest! +Gentle Sappho, love-sick muse, + Warms the heart with amorous fire; +Still her tenderest notes infuse + Melting rapture, soft desire. +Beauteous Helen, young and gay, + By a painted fopling won, +Went not first, fair nymph, astray, + Fondly pleased to be undone. +Nor young Teucer's slaughtering bow, + Nor bold Hector's dreadful sword, +Alone the terrors of the foe, + Sow'd the field with hostile blood. +Many valiant chiefs of old + Greatly lived and died before +Agamemnon, Grecian bold, + Waged the ten years' famous war. +But their names, unsung, unwept, + Unrecorded, lost and gone, +Long in endless night have slept, + And shall now no more be known. +Virtue, which the poet's care + Has not well consign'd to fame, +Lies, as in the sepulchre + Some old king, without a name. +But, O Humphry, great and free, + While my tuneful songs are read, +Old forgetful Time on thee + Dark oblivion ne'er shall spread. +When the deep cut notes shall fade + On the mouldering Parian stone, +On the brass no more be read + The perishing inscription; +Forgotten all the enemies, + Envious G----n's cursed spite, +And P----l's derogating lies, + Lost and sunk in Stygian night; +Still thy labour and thy care, + What for Dublin thou hast done, +In full lustre shall appear, + And outshine th' unclouded sun. +Large thy mind, and not untried, + For Hibernia now doth stand, +Through the calm, or raging tide, + Safe conducts the ship to land. +Falsely we call the rich man great, + He is only so that knows +His plentiful or small estate + Wisely to enjoy and use. +He in wealth or poverty, + Fortune's power alike defies; +And falsehood and dishonesty + More than death abhors and flies: +Flies from death!--no, meets it brave, + When the suffering so severe +May from dreadful bondage save + Clients, friends, or country dear. +This the sovereign man, complete; + Hero; patriot; glorious; free; +Rich and wise; and good and great; + Generous Humphry, thou art he. + + +[Footnote 1: Elected M. P. for Dublin, by the interest of Swift, in the +name of the Drapier. See Advice to the Freemen of the City of Dublin, +etc., "Prose Works," vii, 310.--_W. E. B._] + + + +ON MR. PULTENEY'S[1] BEING PUT OUT OF THE COUNCIL. 1731 + + +SIR ROBERT,[2] wearied by Will Pulteney's teasings, +Who interrupted him in all his leasings, +Resolved that Will and he should meet no more, +Full in his face Bob shuts the council door; +Nor lets him sit as justice on the bench, +To punish thieves, or lash a suburb wench. +Yet still St. Stephen's chapel open lies +For Will to enter--What shall I advise? +Ev'n quit the house, for thou too long hast sat in't, +Produce at last thy dormant ducal patent; +There near thy master's throne in shelter placed, +Let Will, unheard by thee, his thunder waste; +Yet still I fear your work is done but half, +For while he keeps his pen you are not safe. + Hear an old fable, and a dull one too; +It bears a moral when applied to you. + + A hare had long escaped pursuing hounds, +By often shifting into distant grounds; +Till, finding all his artifices vain, +To save his life he leap'd into the main. +But there, alas! he could no safety find, +A pack of dogfish had him in the wind. +He scours away; and, to avoid the foe, +Descends for shelter to the shades below: +There Cerberus lay watching in his den, +(He had not seen a hare the lord knows when.) +Out bounced the mastiff of the triple head; +Away the hare with double swiftness fled; +Hunted from earth, and sea, and hell, he flies +(Fear lent him wings) for safety to the skies. +How was the fearful animal distrest! +Behold a foe more fierce than all the rest: +Sirius, the swiftest of the heavenly pack, +Fail'd but an inch to seize him by the back. +He fled to earth, but first it cost him dear; +He left his scut behind, and half an ear. + Thus was the hare pursued, though free from guilt; +Thus, Bob, shall thou be maul'd, fly where thou wilt. +Then, honest Robin, of thy corpse beware; +Thou art not half so nimble as a hare: +Too ponderous is thy bulk to mount the sky; +Nor can you go to Hell before you die. +So keen thy hunters, and thy scent so strong, +Thy turns and doublings cannot save thee long.[3] + + +[Footnote 1: Right Honourable William Pulteney, afterwards Earl of Bath.] + +[Footnote 2: Sir Robert Walpole, at that time Prime Minister, afterwards +first Earl of Orford.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: This hunting ended in the promotion of Will and Bob. Bob was +no longer first minister, but Earl of Orford; and Will was no longer his +opponent, but Earl of Bath.--_H_.] + + + + +ON THE WORDS BROTHER PROTESTANTS AND FELLOW CHRISTIANS, +SO FAMILIARLY USED +BY THE ADVOCATES FOR THE REPEAL OF THE TEST-ACT IN IRELAND +1733 + + +AN inundation, says the fable, +Overflow'd a farmer's barn and stable; +Whole ricks of hay and stacks of corn +Were down the sudden current borne; +While things of heterogeneous kind +Together float with tide and wind. +The generous wheat forgot its pride, +And sail'd with litter side by side; +Uniting all, to show their amity, +As in a general calamity. +A ball of new-dropp'd horse's dung, +Mingling with apples in the throng, +Said to the pippin plump and prim, +"See, brother, how we apples swim." + Thus Lamb, renown'd for cutting corns, +An offer'd fee from Radcliff scorns, +"Not for the world--we doctors, brother, +Must take no fees of one another." +Thus to a dean some curate sloven +Subscribes, "Dear sir, your brother loving." +Thus all the footmen, shoeboys, porters, +About St. James's, cry, "We courtiers." +Thus Horace in the house will prate, +"Sir, we, the ministers of state." +Thus at the bar the booby Bettesworth,[1] +Though half a crown o'erpays his sweat's worth; +Who knows in law nor text nor margent, +Calls Singleton[2] his brother sergeant. +And thus fanatic saints, though neither in +Doctrine nor discipline our brethren, +Are brother Protestants and Christians, +As much as Hebrews and Philistines: +But in no other sense, than nature +Has made a rat our fellow-creature. +Lice from your body suck their food; +But is a louse your flesh and blood? +Though born of human filth and sweat, it +As well may say man did beget it. +And maggots in your nose and chin +As well may claim you for their kin. + Yet critics may object, why not? +Since lice are brethren to a Scot: +Which made our swarm of sects determine +Employments for their brother vermin. +But be they English, Irish, Scottish, +What Protestant can be so sottish, +While o'er the church these clouds are gathering +To call a swarm of lice his brethren? + As Moses, by divine advice, +In Egypt turn'd the dust to lice; +And as our sects, by all descriptions, +Have hearts more harden'd than Egyptians +As from the trodden dust they spring, +And, turn'd to lice, infest the king: +For pity's sake, it would be just, +A rod should turn them back to dust. + Let folks in high or holy stations +Be proud of owning such relations; +Let courtiers hug them in their bosom, +As if they were afraid to lose 'em: +While I, with humble Job, had rather +Say to corruption--"Thou'rt my father." +For he that has so little wit +To nourish vermin, may be bit. + + +[Footnote 1: These lines were the cause of the personal attack upon +the Dean. See "Prose Works," iv, pp. 27,261. _--W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Henry Singleton, Esq., then prime sergeant, afterwards +lord-chief-justice of the common pleas, which he resigned, and was some +time after made master of the rolls.--_F_.] + + + + +BETTESWORTH'S EXULTATION + +UPON HEARING THAT HIS NAME WOULD BE TRANSMITTED TO POSTERITY +IN DR. SWIFT'S WORKS. +BY WILLIAM DUNKIN + + +Well! now, since the heat of my passion's abated, +That the Dean hath lampoon'd me, my mind is elated:-- +Lampoon'd did I call it?--No--what was it then? +What was it?--'Twas fame to be lash'd by his pen: +For had he not pointed me out, I had slept till +E'en doomsday, a poor insignificant reptile; +Half lawyer, half actor, pert, dull, and inglorious, +Obscure, and unheard of--but now I'm notorious: +Fame has but two gates, a white and a black one; +The worst they can say is, I got in at the back one: +If the end be obtain'd 'tis equal what portal +I enter, since I'm to be render'd immortal: +So clysters applied to the anus, 'tis said, +By skilful physicians, give ease to the head-- +Though my title be spurious, why should I be dastard, +A man is a man, though he should be a bastard. +Why sure 'tis some comfort that heroes should slay us, +If I fall, I would fall by the hand of AEneas; +And who by the Drapier would not rather damn'd be, +Than demigoddized by madrigal Namby?[1] + A man is no more who has once lost his breath; +But poets convince us there's life after death. +They call from their graves the king, or the peasant; +Re-act our old deeds, and make what's past present: +And when they would study to set forth alike, +So the lines be well drawn, and the colours but strike, +Whatever the subject be, coward or hero, +A tyrant or patriot, a Titus or Nero; +To a judge 'tis all one which he fixes his eye on, +And a well-painted monkey's as good as a lion. + +[Footnote 1: Ambrose Philips. See _ante_, vol. i, p. 288.--_W. E. B._] + + + +AN EPIGRAM + +The scriptures affirm (as I heard in my youth, +For indeed I ne'er read them, to speak for once truth) +That death is the wages of sin, but the just +Shall die not, although they be laid in the dust. +They say so; so be it, I care not a straw, +Although I be dead both in gospel and law; +In verse I shall live, and be read in each climate; +What more can be said of prime sergeant or primate? +While Carter and Prendergast both may be rotten, +And damn'd to the bargain, and yet be forgotten. + + +AN EPIGRAM +INSCRIBED TO THE HONOURABLE SERGEANT KITE + +In your indignation what mercy appears, +While Jonathan's threaten'd with loss of his ears; +For who would not think it a much better choice, +By your knife to be mangled than rack'd with your voice. +If truly you [would] be revenged on the parson, +Command his attendance while you act your farce on; +Instead of your maiming, your shooting, or banging, +Bid Povey[1] secure him while you are haranguing. +Had this been your method to torture him, long since, +He had cut his own ears to be deaf to your nonsense. + +[Footnote 1: Povey was sergeant-at-arms to the House of +Commons.--_Scott_.] + + + + +THE YAHOO'S OVERTHROW, OR, THE KEVAN BAYL'S NEW BALLAD, +UPON SERGEANT KITE'S INSULTING THE DEAN [1] + +To the Tune of "Derry Down." + + Jolly boys of St. Kevan's,[2] St. Patrick's, Donore +And Smithfield, I'll tell you, if not told before, +How Bettesworth, that booby, and scoundrel in grain, +Has insulted us all by insulting the Dean. + Knock him down, down, down, knock him down. + + The Dean and his merits we every one know, +But this skip of a lawyer, where the de'il did he grow? +How greater his merit at Four Courts or House, +Than the barking of Towzer, or leap of a louse! + Knock him down, etc. + + That he came from the Temple, his morals do show; +But where his deep law is, few mortals yet know: +His rhetoric, bombast, silly jests, are by far +More like to lampooning, than pleading at bar. + Knock him down, etc. + + This pedler, at speaking and making of laws, +Has met with returns of all sorts but applause; +Has, with noise and odd gestures, been prating some years, +What honester folk never durst for their ears. + Knock him down, etc. + + Of all sizes and sorts, the fanatical crew +Are his brother Protestants, good men and true; +Red hat, and blue bonnet, and turban's the same, +What the de'il is't to him whence the devil they came. + Knock him down, etc. + + Hobbes, Tindal, and Woolston, and Collins, and Nayler, +And Muggleton, Toland, and Bradley the tailor, +Are Christians alike; and it may be averr'd, +He's a Christian as good as the rest of the herd. + Knock him down, etc. + + He only the rights of the clergy debates; +Their rights! their importance! We'll set on new rates +On their tithes at half-nothing, their priesthood at less; +What's next to be voted with ease you may guess. + Knock him down, etc. + + At length his old master, (I need not him name,) +To this damnable speaker had long owed a shame; +When his speech came abroad, he paid him off clean, +By leaving him under the pen of the Dean. + Knock him down, etc. + + He kindled, as if the whole satire had been +The oppression of virtue, not wages of sin: +He began, as he bragg'd, with a rant and a roar; +He bragg'd how he bounced, and he swore how he swore.[3] + Knock him down, etc. + + Though he cringed to his deanship in very low strains, +To others he boasted of knocking out brains, +And slitting of noses, and cropping of ears, +While his own ass's zags were more fit for the shears. + Knock him down, etc. + + On this worrier of deans whene'er we can hit, +We'll show him the way how to crop and to slit; +We'll teach him some better address to afford +To the dean of all deans, though he wears not a sword. + Knock him down, etc. + + We'll colt him through Kevan, St. Patrick's, Donore, +And Smithfield, as rap was ne'er colted before; +We'll oil him with kennel, and powder him with grains, +A modus right fit for insulters of deans. + Knock him down, etc. + + And, when this is over, we'll make him amends, +To the Dean he shall go; they shall kiss and be friends: +But how? Why, the Dean shall to him disclose +A face for to kiss, without eyes, ears, or nose. + Knock him down, etc. + + If you say this is hard on a man that is reckon'd +That sergeant-at-law whom we call Kite the Second, +You mistake; for a slave, who will coax his superiors, +May be proud to be licking a great man's posteriors. + Knock him down, etc. + + What care we how high runs his passion or pride? +Though his soul he despises, he values his hide; +Then fear not his tongue, or his sword, or his knife; +He'll take his revenge on his innocent wife. + Knock him down, down, down, keep him down. + + + +[Footnote 1: GRUB STREET JOURNAL, No. 189, August 9,1734.--"In December +last, Mr. Bettesworth, of the city of Dublin, serjeant-at-law, and member +of parliament, openly swore, before many hundreds of people, that, upon +the first opportunity, by the help of ruffians, he would murder or maim +the Dean of St. Patrick's, (Dr. Swift.) Upon which thirty-one of the +principal inhabitants of that liberty signed a paper to this effect: +'That, out of their great love and respect to the Dean, to whom the whole +kingdom hath so many obligations, they would endeavour to defend the life +and limbs of the said Dean against a certain man and all his ruffians and +murderers.' With which paper they, in the name of themselves and all the +inhabitants of the city, attended the Dean on January 8, who being +extremely ill in bed of a giddiness and deafness, and not able to receive +them, immediately dictated a very grateful answer. The occasion of a +certain man's declaration of his villanous design against the Dean, was a +frivolous unproved suspicion that he had written some lines in verse +reflecting upon him."--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: Kevan Bayl was a cant term for the rabble of this district +of Dublin.] + +[Footnote 3: Swift, in a letter to the Duke of Dorset, January, 1733-4, +gives a full account of Bettesworth's visit to him, about which he says +that the serjeant had spread some five hundred falsehoods.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +ON THE ARCHBISHOP OF CASHEL,[1] AND BETTESWORTH + +Dear Dick, pr'ythee tell by what passion you move? +The world is in doubt whether hatred or love; +And, while at good Cashel you rail with such spite, +They shrewdly suspect it is all but a bite. +You certainly know, though so loudly you vapour, +His spite cannot wound who attempted the Drapier. +Then, pr'ythee, reflect, take a word of advice; +And, as your old wont is, change sides in a trice: +On his virtues hold forth; 'tis the very best way; +And say of the man what all honest men say. +But if, still obdurate, your anger remains, +If still your foul bosom more rancour contains, +Say then more than they, nay, lavishly flatter; +Tis your gross panegyrics alone can bespatter; +For thine, my dear Dick, give me leave to speak plain, +Like very foul mops, dirty more than they clean. + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Theophilus Bolton, a particular friend of the +Dean.--_Scott_.] + + + + +ON THE IRISH CLUB. 1733[1] + +Ye paltry underlings of state, +Ye senators who love to prate; +Ye rascals of inferior note, +Who, for a dinner, sell a vote; +Ye pack of pensionary peers, +Whose fingers itch for poets' ears; +Ye bishops, far removed from saints, +Why all this rage? Why these complaints? +Why against printers all this noise? +This summoning of blackguard boys? +Why so sagacious in your guesses? +Your _effs_, and _tees_, and _arrs_, and _esses_! +Take my advice; to make you safe, +I know a shorter way by half. +The point is plain; remove the cause; +Defend your liberties and laws. +Be sometimes to your country true, +Have once the public good in view: +Bravely despise champagne at court, +And choose to dine at home with port: +Let prelates, by their good behaviour, +Convince us they believe a Saviour; +Nor sell what they so dearly bought, +This country, now their own, for nought. +Ne'er did a true satiric muse +Virtue or innocence abuse; +And 'tis against poetic rules +To rail at men by nature fools: +But * * * +* * * * + + +[Footnote 1: In the Dublin Edition, 1729--_Scott_.] + + + + +ON NOISY TOM + +HORACE, PART OF BOOK I, SAT. VI, PARAPHRASED +1733 + + +If Noisy Tom[1] should in the senate prate, +"That he would answer both for church and state; +And, farther, to demonstrate his affection, +Would take the kingdom into his protection;" +All mortals must be curious to inquire, +Who could this coxcomb be, and who his sire? +"What! thou, the spawn of him[2] who shamed our isle, +Traitor, assassin, and informer vile! +Though by the female side,[3] you proudly bring, +To mend your breed, the murderer of a king: +What was thy grandsire,[4] but a mountaineer, +Who held a cabin for ten groats a-year: +Whose master Moore[5] preserved him from the halter, +For stealing cows! nor could he read the Psalter! +Durst thou, ungrateful, from the senate chase +Thy founder's grandson,[6] and usurp his place? +Just Heaven! to see the dunghill bastard brood +Survive in thee, and make the proverb good?[7] +Then vote a worthy citizen to jail,[8] +In spite of justice, and refuse his bail!"[9] + + +[Footnote 1: Sir Thomas Prendergast. See _post_, p. 266.] + +[Footnote 2: The father of Sir Thomas Prendergast, who engaged in a plot +to murder King William III; but, to avoid being hanged, turned informer +against his associates, for which he was rewarded with a good estate, and +made a baronet.--_F_.] + +[Footnote 3: Cadogan's family.--_F_.] + +[Footnote 4: A poor thieving cottager under Mr. Moore, condemned at +Clonmel assizes to be hanged for stealing cows.--_F_.] + +[Footnote 5: The grandfather of Guy Moore, Esq., who procured him a +pardon._--F._] + +[Footnote 6: Guy Moore was fairly elected member of Parliament for +Clonmel; but Sir Thomas, depending upon his interest with a certain party +then prevailing, and since known by the title of parson-hunters, +petitioned the House against him; out of which he was turned upon +pretence of bribery, which the paying of his lawful debts was then voted +to be.--_F_.] + +[Footnote 7: "Save a thief from the gallows, and he will cut your +throat."--_F_.] + +[Footnote 8: Mr. George Faulkner. Mr. Sergeant Bettesworth, a member of +the Irish Parliament, having made a complaint to the House of Commons +against the "Satire on Quadrille," they voted Faulkner the printer into +custody (who was confined closely in prison three days, when he was in a +very bad state of health, and his life in much danger) for not +discovering the author.--_F_.] + +[Footnote 9: Among the poems, etc., preserved by Mr. Smith are verses on +the same subject and person with these in the text. The verses are given +in Swift's works, edit. Scott, xii, 448.--_W. E. B._] + + + + + +ON DR. RUNDLE, BISHOP OF DERRY +1734-5 + + +Make Rundle bishop! fie for shame! +An Arian to usurp the name! +A bishop in the isle of saints! +How will his brethren make complaints! +Dare any of the mitred host +Confer on him the Holy Ghost: +In mother church to breed a variance, +By coupling orthodox with Arians? + Yet, were he Heathen, Turk, or Jew: +What is there in it strange or new? +For, let us hear the weak pretence, +His brethren find to take offence; +Of whom there are but four at most, +Who know there is a Holy Ghost; +The rest, who boast they have conferr'd it, +Like Paul's Ephesians, never-heard it; +And, when they gave it, well 'tis known +They gave what never was their own. + Rundle a bishop! well he may; +He's still a Christian more than they. + We know the subject of their quarrels; +The man has learning, sense, and morals. + There is a reason still more weighty; +'Tis granted he believes a Deity. +Has every circumstance to please us, +Though fools may doubt his faith in Jesus. +But why should he with that be loaded, +Now twenty years from court exploded? +And is not this objection odd +From rogues who ne'er believed a God? +For liberty a champion stout, +Though not so Gospel-ward devout. +While others, hither sent to save us +Come but to plunder and enslave us; +Nor ever own'd a power divine, +But Mammon, and the German line. + Say, how did Rundle undermine 'em? +Who shew'd a better _jus divinum_? +From ancient canons would not vary, +But thrice refused _episcopari_. + Our bishop's predecessor, Magus, +Would offer all the sands of Tagus; +Or sell his children, house, and lands, +For that one gift, to lay on hands: +But all his gold could not avail +To have the spirit set to sale. +Said surly Peter, "Magus, prithee, +Be gone: thy money perish with thee." +Were Peter now alive, perhaps, +He might have found a score of chaps, +Could he but make his gift appear +In rents three thousand pounds a-year. + Some fancy this promotion odd, +As not the handiwork of God; +Though e'en the bishops disappointed +Must own it made by God's anointed, +And well we know, the _conge_ regal +Is more secure as well as legal; +Because our lawyers all agree, +That bishoprics are held in fee. + Dear Baldwin[1] chaste, and witty Crosse,[2] +How sorely I lament your loss! +That such a pair of wealthy ninnies +Should slip your time of dropping guineas; +For, had you made the king your debtor, +Your title had been so much better. + +[Footnote 1: Richard Baldwin, Provost of Trinity College in 1717. He left +behind him many natural children.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 2: Rector of St. Mary's Dublin, in 1722; before which time he +had been chaplain to the Smyrna Company. See the Epistolary +Correspondence, May 26, 1720.--_Scott_.] + + + +EPIGRAM + +Friend Rundle fell, with grievous bump, +Upon his reverential rump. +Poor rump! thou hadst been better sped, +Hadst thou been join'd to Boulter's head; +A head, so weighty and profound, +Would needs have kept thee from the ground. + + + + +A CHARACTER, PANEGYRIC, AND DESCRIPTION OF THE LEGION CLUB + +1736 + +The immediate provocation to this fierce satire upon the Irish Parliament +was the introduction of a Bill to put an end to the tithe on pasturage, +called _agistment_, and thus to free the landlords from a legal payment, +with severe loss to the Church. + + +As I stroll the city, oft I +See a building large and lofty, +Not a bow-shot from the college; +Half the globe from sense and knowledge +By the prudent architect, +Placed against the church direct,[1] +Making good my grandam's jest, +"Near the church"--you know the rest.[2] + Tell us what the pile contains? +Many a head that has no brains. +These demoniacs let me dub +With the name of Legion[3] Club. +Such assemblies, you might swear, +Meet when butchers bait a bear: +Such a noise, and such haranguing, +When a brother thief's a hanging: +Such a rout and such a rabble +Run to hear Jackpudding gabble: +Such a crowd their ordure throws +On a far less villain's nose. + Could I from the building's top +Hear the rattling thunder drop, +While the devil upon the roof +(If the devil be thunder proof) +Should with poker fiery red +Crack the stones, and melt the lead; +Drive them down on every skull, +When the den of thieves is full; +Quite destroy that harpies' nest; +How might then our isle be blest! +For divines allow, that God +Sometimes makes the devil his rod; +And the gospel will inform us, +He can punish sins enormous. + Yet should Swift endow the schools, +For his lunatics and fools, +With a rood or two of land, +I allow the pile may stand. +You perhaps will ask me, Why so? +But it is with this proviso: +Since the house is like to last, +Let the royal grant be pass'd, +That the club have right to dwell +Each within his proper cell, +With a passage left to creep in +And a hole above for peeping. + Let them, when they once get in, +Sell the nation for a pin; +While they sit a-picking straws, +Let them rave of making laws; +While they never hold their tongue, +Let them dabble in their dung: +Let them form a grand committee, +How to plague and starve the city; +Let them stare, and storm, and frown, +When they see a clergy gown; +Let them, ere they crack a louse, +Call for th'orders of the house; +Let them, with their gosling quills, +Scribble senseless heads of bills; +We may, while they strain their throats, +Wipe our a--s with their votes. + Let Sir Tom,[4] that rampant ass, +Stuff his guts with flax and grass; +But before the priest he fleeces, +Tear the Bible all to pieces: +At the parsons, Tom, halloo, boy, +Worthy offspring of a shoeboy, +Footman, traitor, vile seducer, +Perjured rebel, bribed accuser, +Lay thy privilege aside, +From Papist sprung, and regicide; +Fall a-working like a mole, +Raise the dirt about thy hole. + Come, assist me, Muse obedient! +Let us try some new expedient; +Shift the scene for half an hour, +Time and place are in thy power. +Thither, gentle Muse, conduct me; +I shall ask, and you instruct me. + See, the Muse unbars the gate; +Hark, the monkeys, how they prate! + All ye gods who rule the soul:[5] +Styx, through Hell whose waters roll! +Let me be allow'd to tell +What I heard in yonder Hell. + Near the door an entrance gapes,[6] +Crowded round with antic shapes, +Poverty, and Grief, and Care, +Causeless Joy, and true Despair; +Discord periwigg'd with snakes,'[7] +See the dreadful strides she takes! + By this odious crew beset,[8] +I began to rage and fret, +And resolved to break their pates, +Ere we enter'd at the gates; +Had not Clio in the nick[9] +Whisper'd me, "Lay down your stick." +What! said I, is this a mad-house? +These, she answer'd, are but shadows, +Phantoms bodiless and vain, +Empty visions of the brain. + In the porch Briareus stands,[10] +Shows a bribe in all his hands; +Briareus the secretary, +But we mortals call him Carey.[11] +When the rogues their country fleece, +They may hope for pence a-piece. + Clio, who had been so wise +To put on a fool's disguise, +To bespeak some approbation, +And be thought a near relation, +When she saw three hundred[12] brutes +All involved in wild disputes, +Roaring till their lungs were spent, +PRIVILEGE OF PARLIAMENT, +Now a new misfortune feels, +Dreading to be laid by th' heels. +Never durst a Muse before +Enter that infernal door; +Clio, stifled with the smell, +Into spleen and vapours fell, +By the Stygian steams that flew +From the dire infectious crew. +Not the stench of Lake Avernus +Could have more offended her nose; +Had she flown but o'er the top, +She had felt her pinions drop. +And by exhalations dire, +Though a goddess, must expire. +In a fright she crept away, +Bravely I resolved to stay. +When I saw the keeper frown, +Tipping him with half-a-crown, +Now, said I, we are alone, +Name your heroes one by one. + Who is that hell-featured brawler? +Is it Satan? No; 'tis Waller.[13] +In what figure can a bard dress +Jack the grandson of Sir Hardress? +Honest keeper, drive him further, +In his looks are Hell and murther; +See the scowling visage drop, +Just as when he murder'd Throp.[14] + Keeper, show me where to fix +On the puppy pair of Dicks: +By their lantern jaws and leathern, +You might swear they both are brethren: +Dick Fitzbaker,[15] Dick the player,[15] +Old acquaintance, are you there? +Dear companions, hug and kiss, +Toast Old Glorious in your piss; +Tie them, keeper, in a tether, +Let them starve and stink together; +Both are apt to be unruly, +Lash them daily, lash them duly; +Though 'tis hopeless to reclaim them, +Scorpion's rods, perhaps, may tame them. + Keeper, yon old dotard smoke, +Sweetly snoring in his cloak: +Who is he? 'Tis humdrum Wynne,[16] +Half encompass'd by his kin: +There observe the tribe of Bingham,[17] +For he never fails to bring 'em; +And that base apostate Vesey +With Bishop's scraps grown fat and greasy, +While Wynne sleeps the whole debate, +They submissive round him wait; +(Yet would gladly see the hunks, +In his grave, and search his trunks,) +See, they gently twitch his coat, +Just to yawn and give his vote, +Always firm in his vocation, +For the court against the nation. + Those are Allens Jack and Bob,[18] +First in every wicked job, +Son and brother to a queer +Brain-sick brute, they call a peer. +We must give them better quarter, +For their ancestor trod mortar, +And at Hoath, to boast his fame, +On a chimney cut his name. + There sit Clements, Dilks, and Carter;[19] +Who for Hell would die a martyr. +Such a triplet could you tell +Where to find on this side Hell? +Gallows Carter, Dilks, and Clements, +Souse them in their own excrements. +Every mischief's in their hearts; +If they fail, 'tis want of parts. + Bless us! Morgan,[20] art thou there, man? +Bless mine eyes! art thou the chairman? +Chairman to yon damn'd committee! +Yet I look on thee with pity. +Dreadful sight! what, learned Morgan +Metamorphosed to a Gorgon![21] +For thy horrid looks, I own, +Half convert me to a stone. +Hast thou been so long at school, +Now to turn a factious tool? +Alma Mater was thy mother, +Every young divine thy brother. +Thou, a disobedient varlet, +Treat thy mother like a harlot! +Thou ungrateful to thy teachers, +Who are all grown reverend preachers! +Morgan, would it not surprise one! +To turn thy nourishment to poison! +When you walk among your books, +They reproach you with their looks; +Bind them fast, or from their shelves +They'll come down to right themselves: +Homer, Plutarch, Virgil, Flaccus, +All in arms, prepare to back us: +Soon repent, or put to slaughter +Every Greek and Roman author. +Will you, in your faction's phrase, +Send the clergy all to graze;[22] +And to make your project pass, +Leave them not a blade of grass? +How I want thee, humorous Hogarth! +Thou, I hear, a pleasant rogue art. +Were but you and I acquainted, +Every monster should be painted: +You should try your graving tools +On this odious group of fools; +Draw the beasts as I describe them: +Form their features while I gibe them; +Draw them like; for I assure you, +You will need no _car'catura;_ +Draw them so that we may trace +All the soul in every face. + Keeper, I must now retire, +You have done what I desire: +But I feel my spirits spent +With the noise, the sight, the scent. +"Pray, be patient; you shall find +Half the best are still behind! +You have hardly seen a score; +I can show two hundred more." +Keeper, I have seen enough. +Taking then a pinch of snuff, +I concluded, looking round them, +"May their god, the devil, confound them!"[23] + + +[Footnote 1: St. Andrew's Church, close to the site of the Parliament +House.] + +[Footnote 2: On a scrap of paper, containing the memorials respecting the +Dean's family, there occur the following lines, apparently the rough +draught of the passage in the text: + "Making good that proverb odd, + Near the church and far from God, + Against the church direct is placed, + Like it both in head and waist."--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 3: From the answer of the demoniac that the devils which +possessed him were Legion.--St. Mark, v, 9.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Sir Thomas Prendergast, a prominent opponent of the clergy, +and a servile supporter of the government. See the verses on "Noisy Tom," +_ante_, p. 260.] + +[Footnote 5: "Di quibus imperium est animarum umbraeque silentes +Sit mihi fas audita loqui."--VIRG., _Aen_., vi, 264.] + +[Footnote 6: "Vestibulum ante ipsum primisque in faucibus Orci +Luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae;"--273.] + +[Footnote 7:"----Discordia demens +Vipereum crinem vittis innexa cruentis."--281.] + +[Footnote 8: "Corripit his subita trepidus, +----strictamque aciem venientibus offert."--290.] + +[Footnote 9: "Et ni docta comes tenues sine corpore vitas."--VIRG., +_Aen_., vi, 291.] + +[Footnote 10: "Et centumgeminus Briareus."--287.] + +[Footnote 11: The Right Honourable Walter Carey. He was secretary to the +Duke of Dorset when lord-lieutenant of Ireland. The Duke of Dorset +came to Ireland in 1731.] + +[Footnote 12: "Two hundred" written by Swift in the margin.--_Forster_.] + +[Footnote 13: John Waller, Esq., member for the borough of Dongaile. He +was grandson to Sir Hardress Waller, one of the regicide judges, and who +concurred with them in passing sentence on Charles I. This Sir +Hardressmarried the daughter and co-heir of John Dowdal of Limerick, in +Ireland, +by which alliance he became so connected with the country, that after the +rebellion was over, the family made it their residence.--_Scott._] + +[Footnote 14: Rev. Roger Throp, whose death was said to have been +occasioned by the persecution which he suffered from Waller. His case was +published by his brother, and never answered, containing such a scene of +petty vexatious persecutions as is almost incredible; the cause being the +refusal of Mr. Throp to compound, for a compensation totally inadequate, +some of the rights of his living which affected Waller's estate. In 1739, +a petition was presented to the House of Commons by his brother, Robert +Throp, gentleman, complaining of this persecution, and applying to +parliament for redress, relative to the number of attachments granted by +the King's Bench, in favour of his deceased brother, and which could not +be executed against the said Waller, on account of the privilege of +Parliament, etc. But this petition was rejected by the House, _nem. con._ +The Dean seems to have employed his pen against Waller. See a letter from +Mrs. Whiteway to Swift, Nov. 15, 1735, edit. Scott, xviii, p. +414.--_W. E. B_.] + +[Footnote 15: Richard Tighe, so called because descended from a baker who +supplied Cromwell's army with bread. Bettesworth is termed the _player_, +from his pompous enunciation.] + +[Footnote 16: "Right Honourable Owen Wynne, county of Sligo.---Owen Wynne, +Esq., borough of Sligo.--John Wynne, Esq., borough of Castlebar."] + +[Footnote 17: "Sir John Bingham, Bart., county of Mayo.--His brother, +Henry Bingham, sat in parliament for some time for Castlebar."] + +[Footnote 18: John Allen represented the borough of Carysfort; Robert +Allen the county of Wicklow. The former was son, and the latter brother +to Joshua, the second Viscount Allen, hated and satirized by Swift, under +the name of Traulus. The ancestor of the Allens, as has been elsewhere +noticed, was an architect in the latter end of Queen Elizabeth's reign; +and was employed as such by many of the nobility, particularly Lord +Howth. He settled in Ireland, and was afterwards consulted by Lord +Stafford in some of his architectural plans.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 19: There were then two Clements in parliament, brothers, +Nathaniel and Henry. Michael Obrien Dilks represented the borough of +Castlemartye. He was barrack-master-general.] + +[Footnote 20: Doctor Marcus Antonius (which Swift calls his "heathenish +Christian name") Morgan, chairman to that committee to whom was referred +the petition of the farmers, graziers, etc. against tithe agistment. On +this petition the House reported, and agreed that it deserved the +strongest support.] + +[Footnote 21: Whose hair consisted of snakes, and who turned all she +looked upon to stone.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 22: A suggestion that if the tithe of _agistment_ were +abolished, the clergy might be sent to graze.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 23: On the margin of a Broadside containing this poem is +written by Swift: + "Except the righteous Fifty Two + To whom immortal honour's due, + Take them, Satan, as your due + All except the Fifty Two."--_Forster._ +probably the number of those who opposed the Bill.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +ON A PRINTER'S[1] BEING SENT TO NEWGATE + +Better we all were in our graves, +Than live in slavery to slaves; +Worse than the anarchy at sea, +Where fishes on each other prey; +Where every trout can make as high rants +O'er his inferiors, as our tyrants; +And swagger while the coast is clear: +But should a lordly pike appear, +Away you see the varlet scud, +Or hide his coward snout in mud. +Thus, if a gudgeon meet a roach, +He dares not venture to approach; +Yet still has impudence to rise, +And, like Domitian,[2] leap at flies. + + +[Footnote 1: Mr. Faulkner, for printing the "Proposal for the better +Regulation and Improvement of Quadrille."] + +[Footnote 2: "Inter initia principatus cotidie secretum sibi horarum +sumere solebat, nec quicquam amplius quam muscas captare ac stilo +praeacuto configere; ut cuidam interroganti, essetne quis intus cum +Caesare, non absurde responsum sit a Vibio Crispo, _ne muscam quidem_" +(Suet. 3).--_W. E. B._] + + + + +A VINDICATION OF THE LIBEL; +OR, A NEW BALLAD, WRITTEN BY A SHOE-BOY, ON AN ATTORNEY +WHO WAS FORMERLY A SHOE-BOY + +"Qui color ater erat, nunc est contrarius atro."[1] + +WITH singing of ballads, and crying of news, +With whitening of buckles, and blacking of shoes, +Did Hartley set out, both shoeless and shirtless, +And moneyless too, but not very dirtless; +Two pence he had gotten by begging, that's all; +One bought him a brush, and one a black ball; +For clouts at a loss he could not be much, +The clothes on his back as being but such; +Thus vamp'd and accoutred, with clouts, ball, and brush, +He gallantly ventured his fortune to push: +Vespasian[2] thus, being bespatter'd with dirt, +Was omen'd to be Rome's emperor for't. +But as a wise fiddler is noted, you know, +To have a good couple of strings to one bow; +So Hartley[3] judiciously thought it too little, +To live by the sweat of his hands and his spittle: +He finds out another profession as fit, +And straight he becomes a retailer of wit. +One day he cried--"Murders, and songs, and great news!" +Another as loudly--"Here blacken your shoes!" +At Domvile's[4] full often he fed upon bits, +For winding of jacks up, and turning of spits; +Lick'd all the plates round, had many a grubbing, +And now and then got from the cook-maid a drubbing; +Such bastings effect upon him could have none: +The dog will be patient that's struck with a bone. +Sir Thomas, observing this Hartley withal +So expert and so active at brushes and ball, +Was moved with compassion, and thought it a pity +A youth should be lost, that had been so witty: +Without more ado, he vamps up my spark, +And now we'll suppose him an eminent clerk! +Suppose him an adept in all the degrees +Of scribbling _cum dasho_, and hooking of fees; +Suppose him a miser, attorney, _per_ bill, +Suppose him a courtier--suppose what you will-- +Yet, would you believe, though I swore by the Bible, +That he took up two news-boys for crying the libel? + + +[Footnote 1: Variation from Ovid, "Met.," ii, 541: +"Qui color albus erat, nunc est contrarius albo."--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: So in _Hudibras_, Pt. II, Canto II: + "_Vespasian_ being dawb'd with Durt, + Was destin'd to the Empire for't + And from a Scavinger did come + To be a mighty Prince in _Rome_."] + +[Footnote 3: Squire Hartley Hutcheson, "that zealous prosecutor of +hawkers and libels," who signed Faulkner's committal to prison. See +"Prose Works," vii, 234.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Sir T. Domvile, patentee of the Hanaper office.--_F._] + + + + +A FRIENDLY APOLOGY FOR A CERTAIN JUSTICE OF PEACE +BY WAY OF DEFENCE OF HARTLEY HUTCHESON, ESQ. +BY JAMES BLACK-WELL, OPERATOR FOR THE FEET + + But he by bawling news about, + And aptly using brush and clout, + A justice of the peace became, + To punish rogues who do the same. + +I sing the man of courage tried, +O'errun with ignorance and pride, +Who boldly hunted out disgrace +With canker'd mind, and hideous face; +The first who made (let none deny it) +The libel-vending rogues be quiet. + The fact was glorious, we must own, +For Hartley was before unknown, +Contemn'd I mean;--for who would chuse +So vile a subject for the Muse? + 'Twas once the noblest of his wishes +To fill his paunch with scraps from dishes, +For which he'd parch before the grate, +Or wind the jack's slow-rising weight, +(Such toils as best his talents fit,) +Or polish shoes, or turn the spit; +But, unexpectedly grown rich in +Squire Domvile's family and kitchen, +He pants to eternize his name, +And takes the dirty road to fame; +Believes that persecuting wit +Will prove the surest way to it; +So with a colonel[1] at his back, +The Libel feels his first attack; +He calls it a seditious paper, +Writ by another patriot Drapier; +Then raves and blunders nonsense thicker +Than alderman o'ercharged with liquor: +And all this with design, no doubt, +To hear his praises hawk'd about; +To send his name through every street, +Which erst he roam'd with dirty feet; +Well pleased to live in future times, +Though but in keen satiric rhymes. + So, Ajax, who, for aught we know, +Was justice many years ago, +And minding then no earthly things, +But killing libellers of kings; +Or if he wanted work to do, +To run a bawling news-boy through; +Yet he, when wrapp'd up in a cloud, +Entreated father Jove aloud, +Only in light to show his face, +Though it might tend to his disgrace. + And so the Ephesian villain [2] fired +The temple which the world admired, +Contemning death, despising shame, +To gain an ever-odious name. + + +[Footnote 1: Colonel Ker, a Scotchman, lieutenant-colonel to Lord +Harrington's regiment of dragoons, who made a news-boy evidence against +The printer.--_F_.] + +[Footnote 2: Herostratus, who set fire to the Temple of Artemis at +Ephesus, 356 B.C.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +AY AND NO + +A TALE FROM DUBLIN.[1] WRITTEN IN 1737 + +At Dublin's high feast sat Primate and Dean, +Both dress'd like divines, with band and face clean: +Quoth Hugh of Armagh, "The mob is grown bold." +"Ay, ay," quoth the Dean, "the cause is old gold." +"No, no," quoth the Primate, "if causes we sift, +This mischief arises from witty Dean Swift." +The smart one replied, "There's no wit in the case; +And nothing of that ever troubled your grace. +Though with your state sieve your own notions you split, +A Boulter by name is no bolter of wit. +It's matter of weight, and a mere money job; +But the lower the coin the higher the mob. +Go tell your friend Bob and the other great folk, +That sinking the coin is a dangerous joke. +The Irish dear joys have enough common sense, +To treat gold reduced like Wood's copper pence. +It is a pity a prelate should die without law; +But if I say the word--take care of Armagh!" + + +[Footnote 1: In 1737, the gold coin had sunk in current value to the +amount of 6_d._ in each guinea, which made it the interest of the Irish +dealers to send over their balances in silver. To bring the value of the +precious metals nearer to a par, the Primate, Boulter, who was chiefly +trusted by the British Government in the administration of Ireland, +published a proclamation reducing the value of the gold coin threepence +in each guinea. This scheme was keenly opposed by Swift; and such was the +clamour excited against the archbishop, that his house was obliged to be +guarded by soldiers. The two following poems relate to this controversy, +which was, for the time it lasted, nearly as warm as that about Wood's +halfpence. The first is said to be the paraphrase of a conversation which +actually passed between Swift and the archbishop. The latter charged the +Dean with inflaming the mob, "I inflame them?" retorted Swift, "were I to +lift but a finger, they would tear you to pieces."--_Scott_.] + + + + +A BALLAD + +Patrick astore,[1] what news upon the town? +By my soul there's bad news, for the gold she was pull'd down, +The gold she was pull'd down, of that I'm very sure, +For I saw'd them reading upon the towlsel[2] _doore_. + Sing, och, och, hoh, hoh.[3] + +Arrah! who was him reading? 'twas _jauntleman_ in ruffles, +And Patrick's bell she was ringing all in muffles; +She was ringing very sorry, her tongue tied up with rag, +Lorsha! and out of her shteeple there was hung a black flag.[4] + Sing, och, &c. + +Patrick astore, who was him made this law? +Some they do say, 'twas the big man of straw;[5] +But others they do say, that it was Jug-Joulter,[6] +The devil he may take her into hell and _Boult-her!_ + Sing, och, &c. + +Musha! Why Parliament wouldn't you maul, +Those _carters_, and paviours, and footmen, and all;[7] +Those rascally paviours who did us undermine, +Och ma ceade millia mollighart[8] on the feeders of swine! + Sing, och, &c. + + +[Footnote 1: Astore, means my dear, my heart.] + +[Footnote 2: The Tholsel, where criminals for the city were tried, and +where proclamations, etc., were posted. It was invariably called the +Touls'el by the lower class.] + +[Footnote 3: It would appear that the chorus here introduced, was +intended to chime with the howl, the _ululatus_, or funeral cry, of the +Irish.] + +[Footnote 4: Swift, it is said, caused a muffled peal to be rung from the +steeple of St. Patrick's, on the day of the proclamation, and a black +flag to be displayed from its battlements.--_Scott_.] + +[Footnote 5: The big man of straw, means the Duke of Dorset, +Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland; he had only the name of authority, the +essential power being vested in the primate.] + +[Footnote 6: Jug-Joulter means Primate _Boulter_, whose name is played +upon in the succeeding line. In consequence of the public dissatisfaction +expressed at the lowering the gold coin, the primate became very +unpopular.] + +[Footnote 7: "Footmen" alludes to a supporter of the measure, said to +have been the son or grandson of a servant.] + +[Footnote 8: Means _"my hundred thousand hearty curses_ on the feeders of +swine."] + + + + +A WICKED TREASONABLE LIBEL[1] + +While the king and his ministers keep such a pother, +And all about changing one whore for another, +Think I to myself, what need all this strife, +His majesty first had a whore of a wife, +And surely the difference mounts to no more +Than, now he has gotten a wife of a whore. +Now give me your judgment a very nice case on; +Each queen has a son, say which is the base one? +Say which of the two is the right Prince of Wales, +To succeed, when, (God bless him,) his majesty fails; +Perhaps it may puzzle our loyal divines +To unite these two Protestant parallel lines, +From a left-handed wife, and one turn'd out of doors, +Two reputed king's sons, both true sons of whores; +No law can determine it, which is first oars. +But, alas! poor old England, how wilt thou be master'd; +For, take which you please, it must needs be a bastard. + + +[Footnote 1: So the following very remarkable verses are entitled, in a +copy which exists in the Dean's hand-writing bearing the following +characteristic memorandum on the back: "A traitorous libel, writ several +years ago. It is inconsistent with itself. Copied September 9, 1735. I +wish I knew the author, that I might hang him." And at the bottom of the +paper is subjoined this postscript. "I copied out this wicked paper many +years ago, in hopes to discover the traitor of an author, that I might +inform against him." For the foundation of the scandals current during +the reign of George I, to which the lines allude, see Walpole's +Reminiscences of the Courts of George the first and second, chap, ii, at +p. cii, Walpole's Letters, edit. Cunningham.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +EPIGRAMS AGAINST CARTHY +BY SWIFT AND OTHERS + +CHARLES CARTHY, a schoolmaster in the city of Dublin, was publisher of a +translation of Horace, in which the Latin was printed on the one side, +and the English on the other, whence he acquired the name of Mezentius, +alluding to the practice of that tyrant, who chained the dead to the +living. + Carthy was almost continually involved in satirical skirmishes with +Dunkin, for whom Swift had a particular friendship, and there is no doubt +that the Dean himself engaged in the warfare.--_Scott_. + + +ON CARTHY'S TRANSLATION OF HORACE + +Containing, on one side, the original Latin, on the other, his own +version. + +This I may boast, which few e'er could, +Half of my book at least is good. + + +ON CARTHY MINOTAURUS + +How monstrous Carthy looks with Flaccus braced, +For here we see the man and there the beast. + + +ON THE SAME + +Once Horace fancied from a man, +He was transformed to a swan;[1] +But Carthy, as from him thou learnest, +Has made the man a goose in earnest. + +[Footnote 1: + "Jam jam residunt cruribus asperae + Pelles, et album mutor in alitem + Superne, nascunturque leves + Per digitos humerosque plumae." +Lib. ii, Carm. xx.] + + +ON THE SAME + +Talis erat quondam Tithoni splendida conjux, + Effulsit misero sic Dea juncta viro; +Hunc tandem imminuit sensim longaeva senectus, + Te vero extinxit, Carole, prima dies. + + +IMITATED + +So blush'd Aurora with celestial charms, +So bloom'd the goddess in a mortal's arms; +He sunk at length to wasting age a prey, +But thy book perish'd on its natal day. + + +AD HORATIUM CUM CARTHIO CONSTRICTUM + +Lectores ridere jubes dum Carthius astat? +Iste procul depellit olens tibi Maevius omnes: +Sic triviis veneranda diu, Jovis inclyta proles +Terruit, assumpto, mortales, Gorgonis ore. + + +IMITATED + +Could Horace give so sad a monster birth? +Why then in vain he would excite our mirth; +His humour well our laughter might command, +But who can bear the death's head in his hand? + + +AN IRISH EPIGRAM ON THE SAME + +While with the fustian of thy book, + The witty ancient you enrobe, +You make the graceful Horace look + As pitiful as Tom M'Lobe.[1] +Ye Muses, guard your sacred mount, + And Helicon, for if this log +Should stumble once into the fount, + He'll make it muddy as a bog. + +[Footnote 1: A notorious Irish poetaster, whose name had become +proverbial.--_Scott._] + + +ON CARTHY'S TRANSLATION OF LONGINUS + +High as Longinus to the stars ascends, +So deeply Carthy to the centre tends. + + +RATIO INTER LONGINUM ET CARTHIUM COMPUTATA + +Aethereas quantum Longinus surgit in auras, +Carthius en tantum ad Tartara tendit iter. + + +ON THE SAME + +What Midas touch'd became true gold, but then, +Gold becomes lead touch'd lightly by thy pen. + + +CARTHY KNOCKED OUT SOME TEETH FROM HIS NEWS-BOY + +For saying he could not live by the profits of Carthy's works, as +they did not sell. + +I must confess that I was somewhat warm, +I broke his teeth, but where's the mighty harm? +My work he said could ne'er afford him meat, +And teeth are useless where there's nought to eat! + + +TO CARTHY +On his sending about specimens to force people to subscribe to his +Longinus. + +Thus vagrant beggars, to extort +By charity a mean support, +Their sores and putrid ulcers show, +And shock our sense till we bestow. + + +TO CARTHY +On his accusing Mr. Dunkin for not publishing his book of Poems. + +How different from thine is Dunkin's lot! +Thou'rt curst for publishing, and he for not. + + +ON CARTHY'S PUBLISHING SEVERAL LAMPOONS, +UNDER THE NAMES OF INFAMOUS POETASTERS + +So witches bent on bad pursuits, +Assume the shapes of filthy brutes. + + +TO CARTHY + +Thy labours, Carthy, long conceal'd from light, +Piled in a garret, charm'd the author's sight, +But forced from their retirement into day, +The tender embryos half unknown decay; +Thus lamps which burn'd in tombs with silent glare, +Expire when first exposed to open air. + + +TO CARTHY, ATTRIBUTING SOME PERFORMANCES TO MR. DUNKIN + +From the Gentleman's London Magazine for January. + +My lines to him you give; to speak your due, +'Tis what no man alive will say of you. +Your works are like old Jacob's speckled goats, +Known by the verse, yet better by the notes. +Pope's essays upon some for Young's may pass, +But all distinguish thy dull leaden mass; +So green in different lights may pass for blue, +But what's dyed black will take no other hue. + + +UPON CARTHY'S THREATENING TO TRANSLATE PINDAR + +You have undone Horace,--what should hinder +Thy Muse from falling upon Pindar? +But ere you mount his fiery steed, +Beware, O Bard, how you proceed:-- +For should you give him once the reins, +High up in air he'll turn your brains; +And if you should his fury check, +'Tis ten to one he breaks your neck. + + +DR. SWIFT WROTE THE FOLLOWING EPIGRAM + +On one Delacourt's complimenting Carthy on his Poetry + +Carthy, you say, writes well--his genius true, +You pawn your word for him--he'll vouch for you. +So two poor knaves, who find their credit fail, +To cheat the world, become each other's bail. + + + + +POETICAL EPISTLE TO DR. SHERIDAN + +Some ancient authors wisely write, +That he who drinks will wake at night, +Will never fail to lose his rest, +And feel a streightness in his chest; +A streightness in a double sense, +A streightness both of breath and pence: +Physicians say, it is but reasonable, +He that comes home at hour unseasonable, +(Besides a fall and broken shins, +Those smaller judgments for his sins;) +If, when he goes to bed, he meets +A teasing wife between the sheets, +'Tis six to five he'll never sleep, +But rave and toss till morning peep. +Yet harmless Betty must be blamed +Because you feel your lungs inflamed +But if you would not get a fever, +You never must one moment leave her. +This comes of all your drunken tricks, +Your Parry's and your brace of Dicks; +Your hunting Helsham in his laboratory +Too, was the time you saw that Drab lac a Pery +But like the prelate who lives yonder-a, +And always cries he is like Cassandra; +I always told you, Mr. Sheridan, +If once this company you were rid on, +Frequented honest folk, and very few, +You'd live till all your friends were weary of you. +But if rack punch you still would swallow, +I then forewarn'd you what would follow. +Are the Deanery sober hours? +Be witness for me all ye powers. +The cloth is laid at eight, and then +We sit till half an hour past ten; +One bottle well might serve for three +If Mrs. Robinson drank like me. +Ask how I fret when she has beckon'd +To Robert to bring up a second; +I hate to have it in my sight, +And drink my share in perfect spite. +If Robin brings the ladies word, +The coach is come, I 'scape a third; +If not, why then I fall a-talking +How sweet a night it is for walking; +For in all conscience, were my treasure able, +I'd think a quart a-piece unreasonable; +It strikes eleven,--get out of doors.-- +This is my constant farewell + Yours, + J. S. + +October 18, 1724, nine in the morning. + +You had best hap yourself up in a chair, and dine with me than with the +provost. + + + + +LINES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW[1] IN THE EPISCOPAL PALACE AT KILMORE + + +Resolve me this, ye happy dead, +Who've lain some hundred years in bed, +From every persecution free +That in this wretched life we see; +Would ye resume a second birth, +And choose once more to live on earth? + + +[Footnote 1: Soon after Swift's acquaintance with Dr. Sheridan, they +passed some days together at the episcopal palace in the diocess of +Kilmore. When Swift was gone, it was discovered that he had written the +following lines on one of the windows which look into the church-yard. In +the year 1780, the late Archdeacon Caulfield wrote some lines in answer +to both. The pane was taken down by Dr. Jones, Bishop of Kilmore, but it +has been since restored.--_Scott._] + + +DR. SHERIDAN WROTE UNDERNEATH THE +FOLLOWING LINES + +Thus spoke great Bedel[1] from his tomb: +"Mortal, I would not change my doom, +To live in such a restless state, +To be unfortunately great; +To flatter fools, and spurn at knaves, +To shine amidst a race of slaves; +To learn from wise men to complain +And only rise to fall again: +No! let my dusty relics rest, +Until I rise among the blest." + +[Footnote 1: Bishop Bedel's tomb lies within view of the window.] + + + + +THE UPSTART + +The following lines occur in the Swiftiana, and are by Mr. Wilson, the +editor, ascribed to Swift.--_Scott._ + +"---- The rascal! that's too mild a name; +Does he forget from whence he came? +Has he forgot from whence he sprung? +A mushroom in a bed of dung; +A maggot in a cake of fat, +The offspring of a beggar's brat; +As eels delight to creep in mud, +To eels we may compare his blood; +His blood delights in mud to run, +Witness his lazy, lousy son! +Puff'd up with pride and insolence, +Without a grain of common sense. +See with what consequence he stalks! +With what pomposity he talks! +See how the gaping crowd admire +The stupid blockhead and the liar! +How long shall vice triumphant reign? +How long shall mortals bend to gain? +How long shall virtue hide her face, +And leave her votaries in disgrace? +--Let indignation fire my strains, +Another villain yet remains-- +Let purse-proud C----n next approach; +With what an air he mounts his coach! +A cart would best become the knave, +A dirty parasite and slave! +His heart in poison deeply dipt, +His tongue with oily accents tipt, +A smile still ready at command, +The pliant bow, the forehead bland--" + * * * * * + * * * * * + + + + +ON THE ARMS OF THE TOWN OF WATERFORD[1] + +--URBS INTACTA MANET--semper intacta manebit, + Tangere crabrones quis bene sanus amat? + +[Footnote 1: While viewing this town, the Dean observed a stone bearing +the city arms, with the motto, URBS INTACTA MANET. The approach to this +monument was covered with filth. The Dean, on returning to the inn, wrote +the Latin epigram and added the English paraphrase, for the benefit, he +said, of the ladies.--_Scott._] + + +TRANSLATION + +A thistle is the Scottish arms, +Which to the toucher threatens harms, +What are the arms of Waterford, +That no man touches--but a ----? + + + + +VERSES ON BLENHEIM[1] + + +Atria longa patent. Sed nec cenantibus usquam + Nec somno locus est. Quam bene non habitas! +MART., lib. xii, Ep. 50. + + +See, here's the grand approach, +That way is for his grace's coach; +There lies the bridge, and there the clock, +Observe the lion and the cock;[2] +The spacious court, the colonnade, +And mind how wide the hall is made; +The chimneys are so well design'd, +They never smoke in any wind: +The galleries contrived for walking, +The windows to retire and talk in; +The council-chamber to debate, +And all the rest are rooms of state. +Thanks, sir, cried I, 'tis very fine, +But where d'ye sleep, or where d'ye dine? +I find, by all you have been telling, +That 'tis a house, but not a dwelling. + +[Footnote 1: Built by Sir John Vanbrugh for the Duke of Marlborough. See +vol. i, p. 74.--W.E..B_] + +[Footnote 2: A monstrous lion tearing to pieces a little cock was placed +over two of the portals of Blenheim House; "for the better understanding +of which device," says Addison, "I must acquaint my English reader that a +cock has the misfortune to be called in Latin by the same word that +signifies a Frenchman, as a lion is the emblem of the English nation," +and compares it to a pun in an heroic poem. The "Spectator," No. +59.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG[1] UPON THE LATE GRAND JURY + +Poor Monsieur his conscience preserved for a year, +Yet in one hour he lost it, 'tis known far and near; +To whom did he lose it?--A judge or a peer.[2] + Which nobody can deny. + +This very same conscience was sold in a closet, +Nor for a baked loaf, or a loaf in a losset, +But a sweet sugar-plum, which you put in a posset. + Which nobody can deny. + +O Monsieur, to sell it for nothing was nonsense, +For, if you would sell it, it should have been long since, +But now you have lost both your cake and your conscience. + Which nobody can deny. + +So Nell of the Dairy, before she was wed, +Refused ten good guineas for her maidenhead, +Yet gave it for nothing to smooth-spoken Ned. + Which nobody can deny. + +But, Monsieur, no vonder dat you vere collogue, +Since selling de contre be now all de vogue, +You be but von fool after seventeen rogue. + Which nobody can deny. + +Some sell it for profit, 'tis very well known, +And some but for sitting in sight of the throne, +And other some sell what is none of their own. + Which nobody can deny. + +But Philpot, and Corker, and Burrus, and Hayze, +And Rayner, and Nicholson, challenge our praise, +With six other worthies as glorious as these. + Which nobody can deny. + +There's Donevan, Hart, and Archer, and Blood, +And Gibson, and Gerard, all true men and good, +All lovers of Ireland, and haters of Wood. + Which nobody can deny. + +But the slaves that would sell us shall hear on't in time, +Their names shall be branded in prose and in rhyme, +We'll paint 'em in colours as black as their crime. + Which nobody can deny. + +But P----r and copper L----h we'll excuse, +The commands of your betters you dare not refuse, +Obey was the word when you wore wooden shoes. + Which nobody can deny. + + +[Footnote 1: This is an address of congratulation to the Grand Jury who +threw out the bill against Harding the printer. It would seem they had +not been perfectly unanimous on this occasion, for two out of the twelve +are marked as having dissented from their companions, although of course +this difference of opinion could not, according to the legal forms of +England, appear on the face of the verdict. The dissenters seem to have +been of French extraction. The ballad has every mark of being written +by Swift.--_Scott._] + +[Footnote 2: Whitshed or Carteret.] + + + +AN EXCELLENT NEW SONG +UPON HIS GRACE OUR GOOD LORD ARCHBISHOP OF DUBLIN + +Dr. King, Archbishop of Dublin, stood high in Swift's estimation by +his opposition to Wood's coinage. + +BY HONEST JO. ONE OF HIS GRACE'S FARMERS IN FINGAL + +I sing not of the Drapier's praise, nor yet of William Wood, +But I sing of a famous lord, who seeks his country's good; +Lord William's grace of Dublin town, 'tis he that first appears, +Whose wisdom and whose piety do far exceed his years. +In ev'ry council and debate he stands for what is right, +And still the truth he will maintain, whate'er he loses by't. +And though some think him in the wrong, yet still there comes a season +When every one turns round about, and owns his grace had reason. +His firmness to the public good, as one that knows it swore, +Has lost his grace for ten years past ten thousand pounds and more. +Then come the poor and strip him so, they leave him not a cross, +For he regards ten thousand pounds no more than Wood's dross. +To beg his favour is the way new favours still to win, +He makes no more to give ten pounds than I to give a pin. +Why, there's my landlord now, the squire, who all in money wallows, +He would not give a groat to save his father from the gallows. +"A bishop," says the noble squire, "I hate the very name, +To have two thousand pounds a-year--O 'tis a burning shame! +Two thousand pounds a-year! good lord! And I to have but five!" +And under him no tenant yet was ever known to thrive: +Now from his lordship's grace I hold a little piece of ground, +And all the rent I pay is scarce five shillings in the pound. +Then master steward takes my rent, and tells me, "Honest Jo, +Come, you must take a cup of sack or two before you go." +He bids me then to hold my tongue, and up the money locks, +For fear my lord should send it all into the poor man's box. +And once I was so bold to beg that I might see his grace, +Good lord! I wonder how I dared to look him in the face: +Then down I went upon my knees, his blessing to obtain; +He gave it me, and ever since I find I thrive amain. +"Then," said my lord, "I'm very glad to see thee, honest friend, +I know the times are something hard, but hope they soon will mend, +Pray never press yourself for rent, but pay me when you can; +I find you bear a good report, and are an honest man." +Then said his lordship with a smile, "I must have lawful cash, +I hope you will not pay my rent in that same Wood's trash!" +"God bless your Grace," I then replied, "I'd see him hanging higher, +Before I'd touch his filthy dross, than is Clandalkin spire." +To every farmer twice a-week all round about the Yoke, +Our parsons read the Drapier's books, and make us honest folk. +And then I went to pay the squire, and in the way I found, +His bailie driving all my cows into the parish pound; +"Why, sirrah," said the noble squire, "how dare you see my face, +Your rent is due almost a week, beside the days of grace." +And yet the land I from him hold is set so on the rack, +That only for the bishop's lease 'twould quickly break my back. +Then God preserve his lordship's grace, and make him live as long +As did Methusalem of old, and so I end my song. + + + + +TO HIS GRACE THE ARCHBISHOP OF DUBLIN + +A POEM + + Serus in coelum redeas, diuque + Laetus intersis populo.--HOR., _Carm._ I, ii, 45. + + +Great, good, and just, was once applied +To one who for his country died;[l] +To one who lives in its defence, +We speak it in a happier sense. +O may the fates thy life prolong! +Our country then can dread no wrong: +In thy great care we place our trust, +Because thou'rt great, and good, and just: +Thy breast unshaken can oppose +Our private and our public foes: +The latent wiles, and tricks of state, +Your wisdom can with ease defeat. +When power in all its pomp appears, +It falls before thy rev'rend years, +And willingly resigns its place +To something nobler in thy face. +When once the fierce pursuing Gaul +Had drawn his sword for Marius' fall, +The godlike hero with a frown +Struck all his rage and malice down; +Then how can we dread William Wood, +If by thy presence he's withstood? +Where wisdom stands to keep the field, +In vain he brings his brazen shield; +Though like the sibyl's priest he comes, +With furious din of brazen drums +The force of thy superior voice +Shall strike him dumb, and quell their noise. + +[Footnote 1: The epitaph on Charles I by the Marquis of Montrose: + +"Great, good, and just! could I but rate +My griefs to thy too rigid fate, +I'd weep the world in such a strain +As it should deluge once again; +But since thy loud-tongued blood demands supplies +More from Briareus' hands than Argus' eyes, +I'll sing thine obsequies with trumpet sounds, +And write thine epitaph in blood and wounds." + +See Napier's "Montrose and the Covenanters," i, 520.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +TO THE CITIZENS[1] + +And shall the Patriot who maintain'd your cause, +From future ages only meet applause? +Shall he, who timely rose t'his country's aid, +By her own sons, her guardians, be betray'd? +Did heathen virtues in your hearts reside, +These wretches had been damn'd for parricide. + Should you behold, whilst dreadful armies threat +The sure destruction of an injured state, +Some hero, with superior virtue bless'd, +Avert their rage, and succour the distress'd; +Inspired with love of glorious liberty, +Do wonders to preserve his country free; +He like the guardian shepherd stands, and they +Like lions spoil'd of their expected prey, +Each urging in his rage the deadly dart, +Resolved to pierce the generous hero's heart; +Struck with the sight, your souls would swell with grief, +And dare ten thousand deaths to his relief, +But, if the people he preserved should cry, +He went too far, and he deserved to--die, +Would not your soul such treachery detest, +And indignation boil within your breast, +Would not you wish that wretched state preserved, +To feel the tenfold ruin they deserved? + If, then, oppression has not quite subdued +At once your prudence and your gratitude, +If you yourselves conspire not your undoing, +And don't deserve, and won't draw down your ruin, +If yet to virtue you have some pretence, +If yet ye are not lost to common sense, +Assist your patriot in your own defence; +That stupid cant, "he went too far," despise, +And know that to be brave is to be wise: +Think how he struggled for your liberty, +And give him freedom, whilst yourselves are free. + M. B. + +[Footnote 1: The Address to the Citizens appears, from the signature +M. B., to have been written by Swift himself, and published when the +Prosecution was depending against Harding, the printer of the Drapier's +Letters, and a reward had been proclaimed for the discovery of the +author. Some of those who had sided with the Drapier in his arguments, +while confined to Wood's scheme, began to be alarmed, when, in the fourth +letter, he entered upon the more high and dangerous matter of the nature +of Ireland's connection with England. The object of these verses is, to +encourage the timid to stand by their advocate in a cause which was truly +their own.--_Scott._] + + + + +PUNCH'S PETITION TO THE LADIES + + ----Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, + Auri sacra fames!----VIRG., _Aen._, iii. + +This poem partly relates to Wood's halfpence, but resembles the style of +Sheridan rather than of Swift. Hoppy, or Hopkins, here mentioned, seems +to be the master of the revels, and secretary to the Duke of Grafton, +when Lord-Lieutenant. See also Verses on the Puppet-Show.--_Scott._ See +vol. i, p. 169.--_W. E. B._ + + +Fair ones who do all hearts command, +And gently sway with fan in hand +Your favourite--Punch a suppliant falls, +And humbly for assistance calls; +He humbly calls and begs you'll stop +The gothic rage of Vander Hop, +Wh'invades without pretence and right, +Or any law but that of might, +Our Pigmy land--and treats our kings +Like paltry idle wooden things; +Has beat our dancers out of doors, +And call'd our chastest virgins whores; +He has not left our Queen a rag on, +Has forced away our George and Dragon, +Has broke our wires, nor was he civil +To Doctor Faustus nor the devil; +E'en us he hurried with full rage, +Most hoarsely squalling off the stage; +And faith our fright was very great +To see a minister of state, +Arm'd with power and fury come +To force us from our little home-- +We fear'd, as I am sure we had reason, +An accusation of high-treason; +Till, starting up, says Banamiere, +"Treason, my friends, we need not fear, +For 'gainst the Brass we used no power, +Nor strove to save the chancellor.[1] +Nor did we show the least affection +To Rochford or the Meath election; +Nor did we sing,--'Machugh he means.'" +"You villain, I'll dash out your brains, +'Tis no affair of state which brings +Me here--or business of the King's; +I'm come to seize you all as debtors, +And bind you fast in iron fetters, +From sight of every friend in town, +Till fifty pound's to me paid down." +--"Fifty!" quoth I, "a devilish sum; +But stay till the brass farthings come, +Then we shall all be rich as Jews, +From Castle down to lowest stews; +That sum shall to you then be told, +Though now we cannot furnish gold." + Quoth he, "thou vile mis-shapen beast, +Thou knave, am I become thy jest; +And dost thou think that I am come +To carry nought but farthings home! +Thou fool, I ne'er do things by halves, +Farthings are made for Irish slaves; +No brass for me, it must be gold, +Or fifty pounds in silver told, +That can by any means obtain +Freedom for thee and for thy train." + "Votre tres humble serviteur, +I'm not in jest," said I, "I'm sure, +But from the bottom of my belly, +I do in sober sadness tell you, +I thought it was good reasoning, +For us fictitious men to bring +Brass counters made by William Wood +Intrinsic as we flesh and blood; +Then since we are but mimic men, +Pray let us pay in mimic coin." + Quoth he, "Thou lovest, Punch, to prate, +And couldst for ever hold debate; +But think'st thou I have nought to do +But to stand prating thus with you? +Therefore to stop your noisy parly, +I do at once assure you fairly, +That not a puppet of you all +Shall stir a step without this wall, +Nor merry Andrew beat thy drum, +Until you pay the foresaid sum." +Then marching off with swiftest race +To write dispatches for his grace, +The revel-master left the room, +And us condemn'd to fatal doom. +Now, fair ones, if e'er I found grace, +Or if my jokes did ever please, +Use all your interest with your sec,[2] +(They say he's at the ladies' beck,) +And though he thinks as much of gold +As ever Midas[3] did of old: +Your charms I'm sure can never fail, +Your eyes must influence, must prevail; +At your command he'll set us free, +Let us to you owe liberty. +Get us a license now to play, +And we'll in duty ever pray. + +[Footnote 1: Lord Chancellor Middleton, against whom a vote of censure +passed in the House of Lords for delay of justice occasioned by his +absence in England. It was instigated by Grafton, then Lord-Lieutenant, +who had a violent quarrel at this time with Middleton.--_Scott._] + +[Footnote 2: Abridged from Secretary, _rythmi gratia.--Scott._] + +[Footnote 3: See Ovid, "Metam." xi, 85; Martial, vi, 86.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +EPIGRAM + +Great folks are of a finer mould; +Lord! how politely they can scold! +While a coarse English tongue will itch, +For whore and rogue, and dog and bitch. + + + +EPIGRAM ON JOSIAH HORT[1] + +ARCHBISHOP OF TUAM, WHO, ON ONE OCCASION, LEFT HIS CHURCH DURING SERVICE +IN ORDER TO WAIT ON THE DUKE OF DORSET[2] + +Lord Pam[3] in the church (you'd you think it) kneel'd down; +When told that the Duke was just come to Town-- +His station despising, unawed by the place, +He flies from his God to attend to his Grace. +To the Court it was better to pay his devotion, +Since God had no hand in his Lordship's promotion. + +[Footnote 1: See vol. i, "The Storm," at p. 242.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Lionel Cranfield, first Duke of Dorset, was Lord Lieutenant +of Ireland from 1730 to 1735.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: Pam, the cant name for the knave of clubs, from the French +_Pamphile_. The person here intended was a famous B. known through the +whole kingdom by the name of Lord Pam. He was a great enemy to all men of +wit and learning, being himself the most ignorant as well as the most +vicious P. of all who had ever been honoured with that Title from the +days of the Apostles to the present year of the Christian Aera. He was +promoted _non tam providentia divina quam temporum iniquitate E-scopus_. +From a note in "The Toast," by Frederick Scheffer, written in Latin +verse, done into English by Peregrine O Donald, Dublin and London, +1736.--_W. E. B._] + + + +EPIGRAM[1] + +Behold! a proof of _Irish_ sense; + Here _Irish_ wit is seen! +When nothing's left that's worth defence, + We build a magazine. + +[Footnote 1: Swift, in his latter days, driving out with his physician, +Dr. Kingsbury, observed a new building, and asked what it was designed +for. On being told that it was a magazine for arms and powder, "Oh! Oh!" +said the Dean, "This is worth remarking; my tablets, as Hamlet says, my +tablets"--and taking out his pocket-book, he wrote the above +epigram.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +TRIFLES + + +GEORGE ROCHFORT'S VERSES +FOR THE REV. DR. SWIFT, DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S, +AT LARACOR, NEAR TRIM + + +MUSA CLONSHOGHIANA + +That Downpatrick's Dean, or Patrick's down went, +Like two arrand Deans, two Deans errant I meant; +So that Christmas appears at Bellcampe like a Lent, +Gives the gamesters of both houses great discontent. + Our parsons agree here, as those did at Trent, +Dan's forehead has got a most damnable dent, +Besides a large hole in his Michaelmas rent. + But your fancy on rhyming so cursedly bent, +With your bloody ouns in one stanza pent; +Does Jack's utter ruin at picket prevent, +For an answer in specie to yours must be sent; +So this moment at crambo (not shuffling) is spent, +And I lose by this crotchet quaterze, point, and quint, +Which you know to a gamester is great bitterment; +But whisk shall revenge me on you, Batt, and Brent. +Bellcampe, January 1, 1717. + + + + +A LEFT-HANDED LETTER[1] + +TO DR. SHERIDAN, 1718 + + +Delany reports it, and he has a shrewd tongue, +That we both act the part of the clown and cow-dung; +We lie cramming ourselves, and are ready to burst, +Yet still are no wiser than we were at first. + +_Pudet haec opprobria_, I freely must tell ye, +_Et dici potuisse, et non potuisse refelli._ +Though Delany advised you to plague me no longer, +You reply and rejoin like Hoadly of Bangor[2]; +I must now, at one sitting, pay off my old score; +How many to answer? One, two, three, or four, +But, because the three former are long ago past, +I shall, for method-sake, begin with the last. +You treat me like a boy that knocks down his foe, +Who, ere t'other gets up, demands the rising blow. +Yet I know a young rogue, that, thrown flat on the field, +Would, as he lay under, cry out, Sirrah! yield. +So the French, when our generals soundly did pay them, +Went triumphant to church, and sang stoutly, _Te Deum._ +So the famous Tom Leigh[3], when quite run a-ground, +Comes off by out-laughing the company round: +In every vile pamphlet you'll read the same fancies, +Having thus overthrown all our farther advances. +My offers of peace you ill understood; +Friend Sheridan, when will you know your own good? +'Twas to teach you in modester language your duty; +For, were you a dog, I could not be rude t'ye; +As a good quiet soul, who no mischief intends +To a quarrelsome fellow, cries, Let us be friends. +But we like Antaeus and Hercules fight, +The oftener you fall, the oftener you write: +And I'll use you as he did that overgrown clown, +I'll first take you up, and then take you down; +And, 'tis your own case, for you never can wound +The worst dunce in your school, till he's heaved from the ground. + +I beg your pardon for using my left hand, but I was in great haste, and +the other hand was employed at the same time in writing some letters of +business. September 20, 1718.--I will send you the rest when I have +leisure: but pray come to dinner with the company you met here last. + + +[Footnote 1: The humour of this poem is partly lost, by the impossibility +of printing it left-handed as it was written.--_H_.] + +[Footnote 2: Bishop of Bangor. For an account of him, see "Prose Works," +v, 326.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: Frequently mentioned by Swift in the Journal to Stella, +"Prose Works," ii, especially p. 404.--_W. E. B._] + + + +TO THE DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S IN ANSWER TO HIS LEFT-HANDED LETTER + +Since your poetic prancer is turn'd into Cancer, +I'll tell you at once, sir, I'm now not your man, sir; +For pray, sir, what pleasure in fighting is found +With a coward, who studies to traverse his ground? +When I drew forth my pen, with your pen you ran back; +But I found out the way to your den by its track: +From thence the black monster I drew, o' my conscience, +And so brought to light what before was stark nonsense. +When I with my right hand did stoutly pursue, +You turn'd to your left, and you writ like a Jew; +Which, good Mister Dean, I can't think so fair, +Therefore turn about to the right, as you were; +Then if with true courage your ground you maintain, +My fame is immortal, when Jonathan's slain: +Who's greater by far than great Alexander, +As much as a teal surpasses a gander; +As much as a game-cock's excell'd by a sparrow; +As much as a coach is below a wheelbarrow: +As much and much more as the most handsome man +Of all the whole world is exceeded by Dan. + T. SHERIDAN. + + +This was written with that hand which in others is commonly called +the left hand. + +Oft have I been by poets told, +That, poor Jonathan, thou grow'st old. +Alas, thy numbers failing all, +Poor Jonathan, how they do fall! +Thy rhymes, which whilom made thy pride swell, +Now jingle like a rusty bridle: +Thy verse, which ran both smooth and sweet, +Now limp upon their gouty feet: +Thy thoughts, which were the true sublime, +Are humbled by the tyrant, Time: +Alas! what cannot Time subdue? +Time has reduced my wine and you; +Emptied my casks, and clipp'd your wings, +Disabled both in our main springs; +So that of late we two are grown +The jest and scorn of all the town. +But yet, if my advice be ta'en, +We two may be as great again; +I'll send you wings, you send me wine; +Then you will fly, and I shall shine. + +This was written with my right hand, at the same time with the other. + +How does Melpy like this? I think I have vex'd her; +Little did she know, I was _ambidexter_. + T. SHERIDAN. + + + + +TO MR. THOMAS SHERIDAN + + +REVEREND AND LEARNED SIR, + +I am teacher of English, for want of a better, to a poor charity-school, +in the lower end of St. Thomas's Street; but in my time I have been a +Virgilian, though I am now forced to teach English, which I understood +less than my own native language, or even than Latin itself: therefore I +made bold to send you the enclosed, the fruit of my Muse, in hopes it may +qualify me for the honour of being one of your most inferior Ushers: if +you will vouchsafe to send me an answer, direct to me next door but one +to the Harrow, on the left hand in Crocker's Lane. + I am yours, + Reverend Sir, to command, + PAT. REYLY. + +Scribimus indocti doctique poemata passim. +HOR., _Epist_. II, i, 117 + + + + +AD AMICUM ERUDITUM THOMAM SHERIDAN + + +Deliciae, Sheridan, Musarum, dulcis amice, +Sic tibi propitius Permessi ad flumen Apollo +Occurrat, seu te mimum convivia rident, +Aequivocosque sales spargis, seu ludere versu +Malles; dic, Sheridan, quisnam fuit ille deorum, +Quae melior natura orto tibi tradidit artem +Rimandi genium puerorum, atque ima cerebri +Scrutandi? Tibi nascenti ad cunabula Pallas +Astitit; et dixit, mentis praesaga futurae, +Heu, puer infelix! nostro sub sidere natus; +Nam tu pectus eris sine corpore, corporis umbra; +Sed levitate umbram superabis, voce cicadam: +Musca femur, palmas tibi mus dedit, ardea crura. +Corpore sed tenui tibi quod natura negavit, +Hoc animi dotes supplebunt; teque docente, +Nec longum tempus, surget tibi docta juventus, +Artibus egregiis animas instructa novellas. +Grex hinc Paeonius venit, ecce, salutifer orbi; +Ast, illi causas orant: his insula visa est +Divinam capiti nodo constringere mitram. + Natalis te horae non fallunt signa, sed usque +Conscius, expedias puero seu laetus Apollo +Nascenti arrisit; sive ilium frigidus horror +Saturni premit, aut septem inflavere triones. + Quin tu alte penitusque latentia semina cernis +Quaeque diu obtundendo olim sub luminis auras +Erumpent, promis; quo ritu saepe puella +Sub cinere hesterno sopitos suscitat ignes. + Te dominum agnoscit quocunque sub aere natus: +Quos indulgentis nimium custodia matris +Pessundat: nam saepe vides in stipite matrem. + Aureus at ramus, venerandae dona Sibyllae, +Aeneae sedes tantum patefecit Avernas; +Saepe puer, tua quem tetigit semel aurea virga, +Et coelum, terrasque videt, noctemque profundam. + + +Ad te, doctissime Delany, +Pulsus a foribus Decani, +Confugiens edo querelam, +Pauper petens clientelam. +Petebam Swift doctum patronum, +Sed ille dedit nullum donum, +Neque cibum neque bonum. +Quaeris quam male sit stomacho num? +Iratus valde valde latrat, +Crumenicidam ferme patrat: +Quin ergo releves aegrotum, +Dato cibum, dato potum. +Ita in utrumvis oculum, +Dormiam bibens vestrum poculum. + +Quaeso, Reverende Vir, digneris hanc epistolam inclusam cum versiculis +perlegere, quam cum fastidio abjecit et respuebat Decanus ille (inquam) +lepidissimus et Musarum et Apollinis comes. + + +Reverende Vir, + +De vestra benignitate et clementia in frigore et fame exanimatos, nisi +persuasum esset nobis, hanc epistolam reverentiae vestrae non +scripsissem; quam profecto, quoniam eo es ingenio, in optimam accipere +partem nullus dubito. Saevit Boreas, mugiunt procellae, dentibus invitis +maxillae bellum gerunt. Nec minus, intestino depraeliantibus tumultu +visceribus, classicum sonat venter. Ea nostra est conditio, haec nostra +querela. Proh Deum atque hominum fidem! quare illi, cui ne libella nummi +est, dentes, stomachum, viscera concessit natura? mehercule, nostro +ludibrium debens corpori, frustra laboravit a patre voluntario exilio, +qui macrum ligone macriorem reddit agellum. Huc usque evasi, ad te, quasi +ad asylum, confugiens, quem nisi bene nossem succurrere potuisse, +mehercule, neque fores vestras pultussem, neque limina tetigissem. Quam +longum iter famelicus peregi! nudus, egenus, esuriens, perhorrescens, +despectus, mendicans; sunt lacrymae rerum et mentem carnaria tangunt. In +via nullum fuit solatium praeterquam quod Horatium, ubi macros in igne +turdos versat, perlegi. Catii dapes, Maecenatis convivium, ita me pictura +pascens inani, saepius volvebam. Quid non mortalium pectora cogit Musarum +sacra fames? Haec omnia, quae nostra fuit necessitas, curavi ut scires; +nunc re experiar quid dabis, quid negabis. Vale. + +Vivitur parvo male, sed canebat +Flaccus ut parvo bene: quod negamus: +Pinguis et laute saturatus ille + Ridet inanes. + +Pace sic dicam liceat poetae +Nobilis laeti salibus faceti +Usque jocundi, lepide jocantis + Non sine cura. + +Quis potest versus (meditans merendam, +Prandium, coenam) numerare? quis non +Quot panes pistor locat in fenestra + Dicere mallet? + +Ecce jejunus tibi venit unus; +Latrat ingenti stomachus furore; +Quaeso digneris renovare fauces, + Docte Patrone. + +Vestiant lanae tenues libellos, +Vestiant panni dominum trementem, +Aedibus vestris trepidante penna + Musa propinquat. + +Nuda ne fiat, renovare vestes +Urget, et nunquam tibi sic molestam +Esse promittit, nisi sit coacta + Frigore iniquo. + +Si modo possem! Vetat heu pudor me +Plura, sed praestat rogitare plura, +An dabis binos digitos crumenae im- + ponere vestrae? + + + +TO THE DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S + +Dear Sir, Since you in humble wise + Have made a recantation, +From your low bended knees arise; + I hate such poor prostration. + +'Tis bravery that moves the brave, + As one nail drives another; +If you from me would mercy have, + Pray, Sir, be such another. + +You that so long maintain'd the field + With true poetic vigour; +Now you lay down your pen and yield, + You make a wretched figure. + +Submit, but do't with sword in hand, + And write a panegyric +Upon the man you cannot stand; + I'll have it done in lyric: + +That all the boys I teach may sing + The achievements of their Chiron; +What conquests my stern looks can bring + Without the help of iron. + +A small goose-quill, yclep'd a pen, + From magazine of standish +Drawn forth, 's more dreadful to the Dean, + Than any sword we brandish. + +My ink's my flash, my pen's my bolt; + Whene'er I please to thunder, +I'll make you tremble like a colt, + And thus I'll keep you under. + THOMAS SHERIDAN. + + + +TO THE DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S + + +Dear Dean, I'm in a sad condition, + I cannot see to read or write; +Pity the darkness of thy Priscian, + Whose days are all transform'd to night. + +My head, though light, 's a dungeon grown, + The windows of my soul are closed; +Therefore to sleep I lay me down, + My verse and I are both composed. + +Sleep, did I say? that cannot be; + For who can sleep, that wants his eyes? +My bed is useless then to me, + Therefore I lay me down to rise. + +Unnumber'd thoughts pass to and fro + Upon the surface of my brain; +In various maze they come and go, + And come and go again. + +So have you seen in sheet burnt black, + The fiery sparks at random run; +Now here, now there, some turning back + Some ending where they just begun. + THOMAS SHERIDAN. + + + +AN ANSWER, BY DELANY, TO THOMAS SHERIDAN + +Dear Sherry, I'm sorry for your bloodsheded sore eye, +And the more I consider your case, still the more I +Regret it, for see how the pain on't has wore ye. +Besides, the good Whigs, who strangely adore ye, +In pity cry out, "He's a poor blinded Tory." +But listen to me, and I'll soon lay before ye +A sovereign cure well attested in Gory. +First wash it with _ros_, that makes dative _rori_, +Then send for three leeches, and let them all gore ye; +Then take a cordial dram to restore ye, +Then take Lady Judith, and walk a fine boree, +Then take a glass of good claret _ex more_, +Then stay as long as you can _ab uxore_; +And then if friend Dick[1] will but ope your back-door, he +Will quickly dispel the black clouds that hang o'er ye, +And make you so bright, that you'll sing tory rory, +And make a new ballad worth ten of John Dory: +(Though I work your cure, yet he'll get the glory.) +I'm now in the back school-house, high up one story, +Quite weary with teaching, and ready to _mori_. +My candle's just out too, no longer I'll pore ye, +But away to Clem Barry's,[2]--there's an end of my story. + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Richard Helsham.] + +[Footnote 2: See "The Country Life," i, 140.] + + + +A REPLY, BY SHERIDAN, TO DELANY + + +I like your collyrium, +Take my eyes, sir, and clear ye 'um, + 'Twill gain you a great reputation; +By this you may rise, +Like the doctor so wise,[1] + Who open'd the eyes of the nation. + +And these, I must tell ye, +Are bigger than its belly;-- + You know, there's in Livy a story +Of the hands and the feet +Denying of meat,-- + Don't I write in the dark like a Tory? + +Your water so far goes, +'Twould serve for an Argus, + Were all his whole hundred sore; +So many we read +He had in his head, + Or Ovid's a son of a whore. + +For your recipe, sir, +May my lids never stir, + If ever I think once to fee you; +For I'd have you to know, +When abroad I can go, + That it's honour enough, if I see you. + +[Footnote 1: Probably Dr. Davenant.] + + + +ANOTHER REPLY, BY SHERIDAN + +My pedagogue dear, I read with surprise +Your long sorry rhymes, which you made on my eyes; +As the Dean of St. Patrick's says, earth, seas, and skies! +I cannot lie down, but immediately rise, +To answer your stuff and the Doctor's likewise. +Like a horse with a gall, I'm pester'd with flies, +But his head and his tail new succour supplies, +To beat off the vermin from back, rump, and thighs. +The wing of a goose before me now lies, +Which is both shield and sword for such weak enemies. +Whoever opposes me, certainly dies, +Though he were as valiant as Conde or Guise. +The women disturb me a-crying of pies, +With a voice twice as loud as a horse when he neighs. +By this, Sir, you find, should we rhyme for a prize, +That I'd gain cloth of gold, when you'd scarce merit frize. + + + +TO THOMAS SHERIDAN + + +Dear Tom, I'm surprised that your verse did not jingle; +But your rhyme was not double, 'cause your sight was but single. +For, as Helsham observes, there's nothing can chime, +Or fit more exact than one eye and one rhyme. +If you had not took physic, I'd pay off your bacon, +But now I'll write short, for fear you're short-taken. +Besides, Dick[1] forbid me, and call'd me a fool; +For he says, short as 'tis, it will give you a stool. + In libris bellis, tu parum parcis ocellis; +Dum nimium scribis, vel talpa caecior ibis, +Aut ad vina redis, nam sic tua lumina laedis: +Sed tibi coenanti sunt collyria tanti? +Nunquid eges visu, dum comples omnia risu? +Heu Sheridan caecus, heu eris nunc cercopithecus. +Nunc bene nasutus mittet tibi carmina tutus: +Nunc ope Burgundi, malus Helsham ridet abunda, +Nec Phoebe fili versum quis[2] mittere Ryly. + Quid tibi cum libris? relavet tua lumina Tybris[3] +Mixtus Saturno;[4] penso sed parce diurno +Observes hoc tu, nec scriptis utere noctu. +Nonnulli mingunt et palpebras sibi tingunt. +Quidam purgantes, libros in stercore nantes +Lingunt; sic vinces videndo, mi bone, lynces. +Culum oculum tergis, dum scripta hoc flumine mergis; +Tunc oculi et nates, ni fallor, agent tibi grates. +Vim fuge Decani, nec sit tibi cura Delani: +Heu tibi si scribant, aut si tibi fercula libant, +Pone loco mortis, rapis fera pocula fortis +Haec tibi pauca dedi, sed consule Betty my Lady, +Huic te des solae, nec egebis pharmacopolae. + Haec somnians cecini, + JON. SWIFT. + +Oct. 23, 1718. + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Richard Helsham.] + +[Footnote 2: Pro potes.--_Horat._] + +[Footnote 3: Pro quovis fluvio.--_Virg._] + +[Footnote 4: Saccharo Saturni.] + + +SWIFT TO SHERIDAN, IN REPLY + +Tom, for a goose you keep but base quills, +They're fit for nothing else but pasquils. +I've often heard it from the wise, +That inflammations in the eyes +Will quickly fall upon the tongue, +And thence, as famed John Bunyan sung, +From out the pen will presently +On paper dribble daintily. +Suppose I call'd you goose, it is hard +One word should stick thus in your gizzard. +You're my goose, and no other man's; +And you know, all my geese are swans: +Only one scurvy thing I find, +Swans sing when dying, geese when blind. +But now I smoke where lies the slander,-- +I call'd you goose instead of gander; +For that, dear Tom, ne'er fret and vex, +I'm sure you cackle like the sex. +I know the gander always goes +With a quill stuck across his nose: +So your eternal pen is still +Or in your claw, or in your bill. +But whether you can tread or hatch, +I've something else to do than watch. +As for your writing I am dead, +I leave it for the second head. + +Deanery-House, Oct. 27, 1718. + + + +AN ANSWER BY SHERIDAN + +Perlegi versus versos, Jonathan bone, tersos; +Perlepidos quidem; scribendo semper es idem. +Laudibus extollo te, tu mihi magnus Apollo; +Tu frater Phoebus, oculis collyria praebes, +Ne minus insanae reparas quoque damna Dianae, +Quae me percussit radiis (nec dixeris ussit) +Frigore collecto; medicus moderamine tecto +Lodicem binum premit, atque negat mihi vinum. +O terra et coelum! quam redit pectus anhelum. +Os mihi jam siccum, liceat mihi bibere dic cum? +Ex vestro grato poculo, tam saepe prolato, +Vina crepant: sales ostendet quis mihi tales? +Lumina, vos sperno, dum cuppae gaudia cerno: +Perdere etenim pellem nostram, quoque crura mavellem. + Amphora, quam dulces risus queis pectora mulces, +Pangitur a Flacco, cum pectus turget Iaccho: +Clarius evohe ingeminans geminatur et ohe; +Nempe jocosa propago, haesit sic vocis imago. + + + +TO DR. SHERIDAN. 1718 + + +Whate'er your predecessors taught us, +I have a great esteem for Plautus; +And think your boys may gather there-hence +More wit and humour than from Terence; +But as to comic Aristophanes, +The rogue too vicious and too profane is. +I went in vain to look for Eupolis +Down in the Strand,[1] just where the New Pole[2] is; +For I can tell you one thing, that I can, +You will not find it in the Vatican. +He and Cratinus used, as Horace says, +To take his greatest grandees for asses. +Poets, in those days, used to venture high; +But these are lost full many a century. +Thus you may see, dear friend, _ex pede_ hence, +My judgment of the old comedians. + Proceed to tragics: first Euripides +(An author where I sometimes dip a-days) +Is rightly censured by the Stagirite, +Who says, his numbers do not fadge aright. +A friend of mine that author despises +So much he swears the very best piece is, +For aught he knows, as bad as Thespis's; +And that a woman in these tragedies, +Commonly speaking, but a sad jade is. +At least I'm well assured, that no folk lays +The weight on him they do on Sophocles. +But, above all, I prefer Eschylus, +Whose moving touches, when they please, kill us. + And now I find my Muse but ill able, +To hold out longer in trissyllable. +I chose those rhymes out for their difficulty; +Will you return as hard ones if I call t'ye? + +[Footnote 1: N.B.--The Strand in London. The fact may not be true; but +the rhyme cost me some trouble.--_Swift_.] + +[Footnote 2: The Maypole. See "The Dunciad," ii, 28. Pope's "Works," +Elwin and Courthope, vol. iv.] + + + +THE ANSWER, BY DR. SHERIDAN + +Sir, + +I thank you for your comedies. +I'll stay and read 'em now at home a-days, +Because Parcus wrote but sorrily +Thy notes, I'll read Lambinus thoroughly; +And then I shall be stoutly set a-gog +To challenge every Irish Pedagogue. +I like your nice epistle critical, +Which does in threefold rhymes so witty fall; +Upon the comic dram' and tragedy +Your notion's right, but verses maggotty; +'Tis but an hour since I heard a man swear it, +The Devil himself could hardly answer it. +As for your friend the sage Euripides, +I[1] believe you give him now the slip o' days; +But mum for that--pray come a Saturday +And dine with me, you can't a better day: +I'll give you nothing but a mutton chop, +Some nappy mellow'd ale with rotten hop, +A pint of wine as good as Falern', +Which we poor masters, God knows, all earn; +We'll have a friend or two, sir, at table, +Right honest men, for few're comeatable; +Then when our liquor makes us talkative, +We'll to the fields, and take a walk at eve. + Because I'm troubled much with laziness, + These rhymes I've chosen for their easiness. + +[Footnote 1: N.B.--You told me you forgot your Greek.] + + + +DR. SHERIDAN TO DR. SWIFT +1718 + +Dear Dean, since in _cruxes_ and _puns_ you and I deal, +Pray why is a woman a sieve and a riddle? +'Tis a thought that came into my noddle this morning, +In bed as I lay, sir, a-tossing and turning. +You'll find if you read but a few of your histories, +All women, as Eve, all women are mysteries. +To find out this riddle I know you'll be eager, +And make every one of the sex a Belphegor. +But that will not do, for I mean to commend them; +I swear without jest I an honour intend them. +In a sieve, sir, their ancient extraction I quite tell, +In a riddle I give you their power and their title. +This I told you before; do you know what I mean, sir? +"Not I, by my troth, sir."--Then read it again, sir. +The reason I send you these lines of rhymes double, +Is purely through pity, to save you the trouble +Of thinking two hours for a rhyme as you did last, +When your Pegasus canter'd in triple, and rid fast. + As for my little nag, which I keep at Parnassus, +With Phoebus's leave, to run with his asses, +He goes slow and sure, and he never is jaded, +While your fiery steed is whipp'd, spurr'd, bastinaded. + + + +THE DEAN'S ANSWER + +In reading your letter alone in my hackney, +Your damnable riddle my poor brains did rack nigh. +And when with much labour the matter I crack'd, +I found you mistaken in matter of fact. + A woman's no sieve, (for with that you begin,) +Because she lets out more than e'er she takes in. +And that she's a riddle can never be right, +For a riddle is dark, but a woman is light. +But grant her a sieve, I can say something archer; +Pray what is a man? he's a fine linen searcher. +Now tell me a thing that wants interpretation, +What name for a maid,[1] was the first man's damnation? +If your worship will please to explain me this rebus, +I swear from henceforward you shall be my Phoebus. + +From my hackney-coach, Sept. 11, 1718, past 12 at noon. + +[Footnote 1: A damsel, _i.e._, _Adam's Hell_.--_H._ Vir Gin.--_Dublin +Edition._] + + + +DR. SHERIDAN'S REPLY TO THE DEAN + +Don't think these few lines which I send, a reproach, +From my Muse in a car, to your Muse in a coach. +The great god of poems delights in a car, +Which makes him so bright that we see him from far; +For, were he mew'd up in a coach, 'tis allow'd +We'd see him no more than we see through a cloud. + You know to apply this--I do not disparage +Your lines, but I say they're the worse for the carriage. + Now first you deny that a woman's a sieve; +I say that she is: What reason d'ye give? +Because she lets out more than she takes in. +Is't that you advance for't? you are still to begin. +Your major and minor I both can refute, +I'll teach you hereafter with whom to dispute. +A sieve keeps in half, deny't if you can. +D. "Adzucks, I mistook it, who thought of the bran?" +I tell you in short, sir, you[1] should have a pair o' stocks +For thinking to palm on your friend such a paradox. +Indeed, I confess, at the close you grew better, +But you light from your coach when you finish'd your letter. +Your thing which you say wants interpretation, +What's name for a maiden--the first man's damnation? +A damsel--Adam's hell--ay, there I have hit it, +Just as you conceived it, just so have I writ it. +Since this I've discover'd, I'll make you to know it, +That now I'm your Phoebus, and you are my poet. +But if you interpret the two lines that follow, +I'll again be your poet, and you my Apollo. +Why a noble lord's dog, and my school-house this weather, +Make up the best catch when they're coupled together? + +From my Ringsend car, Sept. 12, 1718, past 5 in the morning, +on a repetition day. + +[Footnote 1: Begging pardon for the expression to a dignitary of +thechurch.--_S._] + + + +TO THE SAME. BY DR. SHERIDAN + +12 o'Clock at Noon +Sept. 12, 1718. + +SIR, +Perhaps you may wonder, I send you so soon +Another epistle; consider 'tis noon. +For all his acquaintance well know that friend Tom is, +Whenever he makes one, as good as his promise. +Now Phoebus exalted, sits high on his throne, +Dividing the heav'ns, dividing my crown, +Into poems and business, my skull's split in two, +One side for the lawyers, and t'other for you. +With my left eye, I see you sit snug in your stall, +With my right I'm attending the lawyers that scrawl +With my left I behold your bellower a cur chase; +With my right I'm a-reading my deeds for a purchase. +My left ear's attending the hymns of the choir, +My right ear is stunn'd with the noise of the crier. +My right hand's inditing these lines to your reverence, +My left is indenting for me and heirs ever-hence. +Although in myself I'm divided in two, +Dear Dean, I shall ne'er be divided from you. + + + + +THE DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S + +TO THOMAS SHERIDAN + +SIR, +I cannot but think that we live in a bad age, +_O tempora, O mores!_ as 'tis in the adage. +My foot was but just set out from my cathedral, +When into my hands comes a letter from the droll. +I can't pray in quiet for you and your verses; +But now let us hear what the Muse from your car says. + Hum--excellent good--your anger was stirr'd; +Well, punners and rhymers must have the last word. +But let me advise you, when next I hear from you, +To leave off this passion which does not become you; +For we who debate on a subject important, +Must argue with calmness, or else will come short on't. +For myself, I protest, I care not a fiddle, +For a riddle and sieve, or a sieve and a riddle; +And think of the sex as you please, I'd as lieve +You call them a riddle, as call them a sieve. +Yet still you are out, (though to vex you I'm loth,) +For I'll prove it impossible they can be both; +A school-boy knows this, for it plainly appears +That a sieve dissolves riddles by help of the shears; +For you can't but have heard of a trick among wizards, +To break open riddles with shears or with scissars. + Think again of the sieve, and I'll hold you a wager, +You'll dare not to question my minor or major.[1] +A sieve keeps half in, and therefore, no doubt, +Like a woman, keeps in less than it lets out. +Why sure, Mr. Poet, your head got a-jar, +By riding this morning too long in your car: +And I wish your few friends, when they next see your cargo, +For the sake of your senses would lay an embargo. +You threaten the stocks; I say you are scurrilous +And you durst not talk thus, if I saw you at our ale-house. +But as for your threats, you may do what you can +I despise any poet that truckled to Dan +But keep a good tongue, or you'll find to your smart +From rhyming in cars, you may swing in a cart. +You found out my rebus with very much modesty; +But thanks to the lady; I'm sure she's too good to ye: +Till she lent you her help, you were in a fine twitter; +You hit it, you say;--you're a delicate hitter. +How could you forget so ungratefully a lass, +And if you be my Phoebus, pray who was your Pallas? + As for your new rebus, or riddle, or crux, +I will either explain, or repay it by trucks; +Though your lords, and your dogs, and your catches, methinks, +Are harder than ever were put by the Sphinx. +And thus I am fully revenged for your late tricks, +Which is all at present from the + DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S. + +From my closet, Sept, 12, 1718, just 12 at noon. + +[Footnote 1: Ut tu perperam argumentaris.--_Scott._] + + + + +TO THE DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S + + +SIR, +Your Billingsgate Muse methinks does begin +With much greater noise than a conjugal din. +A pox of her bawling, her _tempora et mores!_ +What are times now to me; a'nt I one of the Tories? +You tell me my verses disturb you at prayers; +Oh, oh, Mr. Dean, are you there with your bears? +You pray, I suppose, like a Heathen, to Phoebus, +To give his assistance to make out my rebus: +Which I don't think so fair; leave it off for the future; +When the combat is equal, this God should be neuter. +I'm now at the tavern, where I drink all I can, +To write with more spirit; I'll drink no more Helicon; +For Helicon is water, and water is weak; +'Tis wine on the gross lee, that makes your Muse speak. +This I know by her spirit and life; but I think +She's much in the wrong to scold in her drink. +Her damn'd pointed tongue pierced almost to my heart; +Tell me of a cart,--tell me of a ----, +I'd have you to tell on both sides her ears, +If she comes to my house, that I'll kick her down stairs: +Then home she shall limping go, squalling out, O my knee; +You shall soon have a crutch to buy for your Melpomene. +You may come as her bully, to bluster and swagger; +But my ink is my poison, my pen is my dagger: +Stand off, I desire, and mark what I say to you, +If you come I will make your Apollo shine through you. +Don't think, sir, I fear a Dean, as I would fear a dun; +Which is all at present from yours, + THOMAS SHERIDAN. + + + + +THE DEAN TO THOMAS SHERIDAN + + + SIR, +When I saw you to-day, as I went with Lord Anglesey, +Lord, said I, who's that parson, how awkwardly dangles he! +When whip you trot up, without minding your betters, +To the very coach side, and threaten your letters. + Is the poison [and dagger] you boast in your jaws, trow? +Are you still in your cart with _convitia ex plaustro_? +But to scold is your trade, which I soon should be foil'd in, +For scolding is just _quasi diceres_--school-din: +And I think I may say, you could many good shillings get, +Were you drest like a bawd, and sold oysters at Billingsgate; +But coach it or cart it, I'd have you know, sirrah, +I'll write, though I'm forced to write in a wheelbarrow; +Nay, hector and swagger, you'll still find me stanch, +And you and your cart shall give me _carte blanche_. +Since you write in a cart, keep it _tecta et sarta_, +'Tis all you have for it; 'tis your best Magna Carta; +And I love you so well, as I told you long ago, +That I'll ne'er give my vote for _Delenda Cart-ago_. +Now you write from your cellar, I find out your art, +You rhyme as folks fence, in _tierce_ and in _cart_: +Your ink is your poison, your pen is what not; +Your ink is your drink, your pen is your pot. +To my goddess Melpomene, pride of her sex, +I gave, as you beg, your most humble respects: +The rest of your compliment I dare not tell her, +For she never descends so low as the cellar; +But before you can put yourself under her banners, +She declares from her throne you must learn better manners. +If once in your cellar my Phoebus should shine, +I tell you I'd not give a fig for your wine; +So I'll leave him behind, for I certainly know it, +What he ripens above ground, he sours below it. +But why should we fight thus, my partner so dear +With three hundred and sixty-five poems a-year? +Let's quarrel no longer, since Dan and George Rochfort +Will laugh in their sleeves: I can tell you they watch for't. +Then George will rejoice, and Dan will sing highday: +Hoc Ithacus velit, et magni mercentur Atridae. + JON. SWIFT. + +Written, signed, and sealed, five minutes and eleven seconds after the +receipt of yours, allowing seven seconds for sealing and superscribing, +from my bed-side, just eleven minutes after eleven, Sept. 15, 1718. + +Erratum in your last, 1. antepenult, pro "fear a _Dun_" lege "fear a +_Dan_:" ita omnes MSS. quos ego legi, et ita magis congruum tam sensui +quam veritati. + + + +TO DR. SHERIDAN[1] + +Dec. 14, 1719, Nine at night. +SIR, + +It is impossible to know by your letter whether the wine is to be bottled +to-morrow, or no. + +If it be, or be not, why did not you in plain English tell us so? + +For my part, it was by mere chance I came to sit with the ladies[2] this +night. + +And if they had not told me there was a letter from you; and your man +Alexander had not gone, and come back from the deanery; and the boy here +had not been sent, to let Alexander know I was here, I should have missed +the letter outright. + +Truly I don't know who's bound to be sending for corks to stop your +bottles, with a vengeance. + +Make a page of your own age, and send your man Alexander to buy corks; +for Saunders already has gone above ten jaunts. + +Mrs. Dingley and Mrs. Johnson say, truly they don't care for your wife's +company, though they like your wine; but they had rather have it at their +own house to drink in quiet. + +However, they own it is very civil in Mrs. Sheridan to make the offer; +and they cannot deny it. + +I wish Alexander safe at St. Catherine's to-night, with all my heart and +soul, upon my word and honour: + +But I think it base in you to send a poor fellow out so late at this time +of year, when one would not turn out a dog that one valued; I appeal to +your friend Mr. Connor. + +I would present my humble service to my Lady Mountcashel; but truly I +thought she would have made advances to have been acquainted with me, as +she pretended. + +But now I can write no more, for you see plainly my paper is ended. + + + +1 P.S. + +I wish, when you prated, your letter you'd dated: +Much plague it created. I scolded and rated; +My soul is much grated; for your man I long waited. +I think you are fated, like a bear to be baited: +Your man is belated: the case I have stated; +And me you have cheated. My stable's unslated. +Come back t'us well freighted. +I remember my late head; and wish you translated, +For teasing me. + + + +2 P.S. + +Mrs. Dingley desires me singly +Her service to present you; hopes that will content you; +But Johnson madam is grown a sad dame, +For want of your converse, and cannot send one verse. + + + +3 P.S. + +You keep such a twattling with you and your bottling; +But I see the sum total, we shall ne'er have a bottle; +The long and the short, we shall not have a quart, +I wish you would sign't, that we have a pint. +For all your colloguing,[3] I'd be glad for a knoggin:[4] +But I doubt 'tis a sham; you won't give us a dram. +'Tis of shine a mouth moon-ful, you won't part with a spoonful, +And I must be nimble, if I can fill my thimble, +You see I won't stop, till I come to a drop; +But I doubt the oraculum, is a poor supernaculum; +Though perhaps you may tell it, for a grace if we smell it. + STELLA. + + +[Footnote 1: In this letter, though written in prose, the reader, upon +examining, will find each second sentence rhymes to the former.--_H._] + +[Footnote 2: Mrs. Johnson and Mrs. Dingley.--_F._] + +[Footnote 3: A phrase used in Ireland for a specious appearance of +kindness without sincerity.--_F._] + +[Footnote 4: A name used in Ireland for the English quartern.--_F._] + + + +DR. SHERIDAN'S ANSWER + +I'd have you to know, as sure as you're Dean, +On Thursday my cask of Obrien I'll drain; +If my wife is not willing, I say she's a quean; +And my right to the cellar, egad, I'll maintain +As bravely as any that fought at Dunblain: +Go tell her it over and over again. +I hope, as I ride to the town, it won't rain; +For, should it, I fear it will cool my hot brain, +Entirely extinguish my poetic vein; +And then I should be as stupid as Kain, +Who preach'd on three heads, though he mention'd but twain. +Now Wardel's in haste, and begins to complain; +Your most humble servant, dear Sir, I remain, + T. S.--N. + + +Get Helsham, Walmsley, Delany, +And some Grattans, if there be any:[1] +Take care you do not bid too many. + +[Footnote 1: _I.e._ in Dublin, for they were country clergy.--_F._] + + + + +DR. SWIFT'S REPLY + + +The verses you sent on the bottling your wine +Were, in every one's judgment, exceedingly fine; +And I must confess, as a dean and divine, +I think you inspired by the Muses all nine. +I nicely examined them every line, +And the worst of them all like a barn-door did shine; +O, that Jove would give me such a talent as thine! +With Delany or Dan I would scorn to combine. +I know they have many a wicked design; +And, give Satan his due, Dan begins to refine. +However, I wish, honest comrade of mine, +You would really on Thursday leave St. Catharine,[1] +Where I hear you are cramm'd every day like a swine; +With me you'll no more have a stomach to dine, +Nor after your victuals lie sleeping supine; +So I wish you were toothless, like Lord Masserine. +But were you as wicked as lewd Aretine,[2] +I wish you would tell me which way you incline. +If when you return your road you don't line, +On Thursday I'll pay my respects at your shrine, +Wherever you bend, wherever you twine, +In square, or in opposite, circle, or trine. +Your beef will on Thursday be salter than brine; +I hope you have swill'd with new milk from the kine, +As much as the Liffee's outdone by the Rhine; +And Dan shall be with us with nose aquiline. +If you do not come back we shall weep out our eyne; +Or may your gown never be good Lutherine. +The beef you have got I hear is a chine; +But if too many come, your madam will whine; +And then you may kiss the low end of her spine. +But enough of this poetry Alexandrine; +I hope you will not think this a pasquine. + +[Footnote 1: The seat of Lady Mountcashel, near Dublin.--_F._] + +[Footnote 2: Pietro Aretino (1492-1557), an Italian poet noted for his +satirical and licentious verse,--_W. E. B._] + + + + +A COPY OF A COPY OF VERSES +FROM THOMAS SHERIDAN, CLERK, TO GEORGE-NIM-DAN-DEAN, ESQ.[1] + + +Written July 15, 1721, at night. + +I'd have you t' know, George, Dan, Dean, and Nim, +That I've learned how verse t' compose trim, +Much better b'half th'n you, n'r you, n'r him, +And that I'd rid'cule their'nd your flam-flim. +Ay b't then, p'rhaps, says you, t's a merry whim, +With 'bundance of mark'd notes i' th' rim, +So th't I ought n't for t' be morose 'nd t' look grim, +Think n't your 'p'stle put m' in a megrim; +Though 'n rep't't'on day, I 'ppear ver' slim, +Th' last bowl't Helsham's did m' head t' swim, +So th't I h'd man' aches 'n v'ry scrubb'd limb, +Cause th' top of th' bowl I h'd oft us'd t' skim; +And b'sides D'lan' swears th't I h'd swall'w'd s'v'r'l brim- +Mers, 'nd that my vis'ge's cov'r'd o'er with r'd pim- +Ples: m'r'o'er though m' scull were ('s 'tis n't) 's strong's tim- +Ber, 't must have ach'd. Th' clans of th' c'llege Sanh'drim, +Pres'nt the'r humbl' and 'fect'nate respects; that's t' say, + D'ln', 'chlin, P. Ludl', Dic' St'wart, H'lsham, Capt'n + P'rr' Walmsl', 'nd Long sh'nks Timm.[2] + +[Footnote 1: For the persons here alluded to see "The Country Life," vol. +i, p. 137.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Dr. James Stopford, afterwards Bishop of Cloyne.] + + + +GEORGE-NIM-DAN-DEAN'S ANSWER + + +Dear Sheridan! a gentle pair +Of Gaulstown lads (for such they are) +Besides a brace of grave divines, +Adore the smoothness of thy lines: +Smooth as our basin's silver flood, +Ere George had robb'd it of its mud; +Smoother than Pegasus' old shoe, +Ere Vulcan comes to make him new. +The board on which we set our a--s, +Is not so smooth as are thy verses; +Compared with which (and that's enough) +A smoothing-iron itself is rough. + Nor praise I less that circumcision, +By modern poets call'd elision, +With which, in proper station placed, +Thy polish'd lines are firmly braced.[1] +Thus a wise tailor is not pinching, +But turns at every seam an inch in: +Or else, be sure, your broad-cloth breeches +Will ne'er be smooth, nor hold their stitches. +Thy verse, like bricks, defy the weather, +When smooth'd by rubbing them together; +Thy words so closely wedged and short are, +Like walls, more lasting without mortar; +By leaving out the needless vowels, +You save the charge of lime and trowels. +One letter still another locks, +Each grooved and dovetail'd like a box; +Thy muse is tuckt up and succinct; +In chains thy syllables are linkt; +Thy words together tied in small hanks, +Close as the Macedonian phalanx;[2] +Or like the _umbo_[3] of the Romans, +Which fiercest foes could break by no means. +The critic, to his grief will find, +How firmly these indentures bind. +So, in the kindred painter's art, +The shortening is the nicest part. + Philologers of future ages, +How will they pore upon thy pages! +Nor will they dare to break the joints, +But help thee to be read with points: +Or else, to show their learned labour, you +May backward be perused like Hebrew, +In which they need not lose a bit +Or of thy harmony or wit. +To make a work completely fine, +Number and weight and measure join; +Then all must grant your lines are weighty +Where thirty weigh as much as eighty; +All must allow your numbers more, +Where twenty lines exceed fourscore; +Nor can we think your measure short, +Where less than forty fill a quart, +With Alexandrian in the close, +Long, long, long, long, like Dan's long nose.[4] + + +[Footnote 1: In the Dublin edition: + "Makes thy verse smooth, and makes them last."] + +[Footnote 2: For a clear description of the phalanx, see Smith's "Greek +and Roman Antiquities," p. 488.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: The projection in the centre of the shield, which caused the +missiles of the enemy to glance off. See Smith, as above, +p. 298.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: See _post_, the poems on Dan Jackson's Picture.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +GEORGE-NIM-DAN-DEAN'S INVITATION +TO THOMAS SHERIDAN + + +Gaulstown, Aug. 2, 1721. + +Dear Tom, this verse, which however the beginning may appear, yet in the +end's good metre, +Is sent to desire that, when your August vacation comes, your friends +you'd meet here. +For why should you stay in that filthy hole, I mean the city so smoky, +When you have not one friend left in town, or at least not one that's +witty, to joke w' ye? +For as for honest John,[1] though I'm not sure on't, yet I'll be hang'd, +lest he +Be gone down to the county of Wexford with that great peer the Lord +Anglesey.[2] +O! but I forgot; perhaps, by this time, you may have one come to town, +but I don't know whether he be friend or foe, Delany: +But, however, if he be come, bring him down, and you shall go back in a +fortnight, for I know there's no delaying ye. +O! I forgot too: I believe there may be one more, I mean that great fat +joker, friend Helsham, he +That wrote the prologue,[3] and if you stay with him, depend on't, in the +end, he'll sham ye. +Bring down Longshanks Jim[4] too; but, now I think on't, he's not yet +come from Courtown,[5] I fancy; +For I heard, a month ago, that he was down there a-courting sly Nancy. +However, bring down yourself, and you bring down all; for, to say it we +may venture, +In thee Delany's spleen, John's mirth, Helsham's jokes, and the soft soul +of amorous Jemmy, centre. + + +POSTSCRIPT + +I had forgot to desire you to bring down what I say you have, and you'll +believe me as sure as a gun, and own it; +I mean, what no other mortal in the universe can boast of, your own +spirit of pun, and own wit. +And now I hope you'll excuse this rhyming, which I must say is (though +written somewhat at large) trim and clean; +And so I conclude, with humble respects as usual + Your most dutiful and obedient + GEORGE-NIM-DAN-DEAN. + + +[Footnote 1: Supposed to mean Dr. Walmsley.--_F._] + +[Footnote 2: Arthur, Earl of Anglesey.--_Scott._] + +[Footnote 3: It was customary with Dr. Sheridan to have a Greek play +acted by his head class, just before they entered the university; and, +accordingly, in the year 1720, the Doctor having fixed on Hippolytus, +writ a prologue in English, to be spoken by Master Thom. Putland, one of +the youngest children he had in his school. The prologue was very neat +and elegant, but extremely puerile, and quite adapted to the childhood of +the speaker, who as regularly was taught and rehearsed his part as any of +the upper lads did theirs. However, it unfortunately happened that Dr. +King, Archbishop of Dublin, had promised Sheridan that he would go and +see his lads perform the tragedy. Upon which Dr. Helsham writ another +prologue, wherein he laughed egregiously at Sheridan's; and privately +instructed Master Putland how to act his part; and at the same time +exacted a promise from the child, that no consideration should make him +repeat that prologue which he had been taught by Sheridan. When the play +was to be acted, the archbishop attended according to his promise; and +Master Putland began Helsham's prologue, and went through it to the +amazement of Sheridan; which fired him to such a degree (although he was +one of the best-natured men in the world) that he would have entirely put +off the play, had it not been in respect to the archbishop, who was +indeed highly complimented in Helsham's performance. When the play was +over, the archbishop was very desirous to hear Sheridan's prologue; but +all the entreaties of the archbishop, the child's father, and Sheridan, +could not prevail with Master Putland to repeat it, having, he said, +promised faithfully that he would not, upon any account whatever; and +therefore insisted that he would keep his word.--_F._] + +[Footnote 4: Dr. James Stopford, Bishop of Cloyne.--_F._] + +[Footnote 5: The seat of ---- Hussay, Esq., in the county of +Kildare.--_F._] + + + +TO GEORGE-NIM-DAN-DEAN, ESQ. + +UPON HIS INCOMPARABLE VERSES. BY DR. DELANY IN SHERIDAN'S NAME[1] + + +Hail, human compound quadrifarious, +Invincible as wight Briareus![2] +Hail! doubly-doubled mighty merry one, +Stronger than triple-bodied Geryon![3] +O may your vastness deign t' excuse +The praises of a puny Muse, +Unable, in her utmost flight, +To reach thy huge colossian height! +T' attempt to write like thee were frantic, +Whose lines are, like thyself, gigantic. + Yet let me bless, in humbler strain, +Thy vast, thy bold Cambysian[4] vein, +Pour'd out t' enrich thy native isle, +As Egypt wont to be with Nile. +O, how I joy to see thee wander, +In many a winding loose meander, +In circling mazes, smooth and supple, +And ending in a clink quadruple; +Loud, yet agreeable withal, +Like rivers rattling in their fall! +Thine, sure, is poetry divine, +Where wit and majesty combine; +Where every line, as huge as seven, +If stretch'd in length, would reach to Heaven: +Here all comparing would be slandering, +The least is more than Alexandrine. + Against thy verse Time sees with pain, +He whets his envious scythe in vain; +For though from thee he much may pare, +Yet much thou still wilt have to spare. + Thou hast alone the skill to feast +With Roman elegance of taste, +Who hast of rhymes as vast resources +As Pompey's caterer of courses. + O thou, of all the Nine inspired! +My languid soul, with teaching tired, +How is it raptured, when it thinks +Of thy harmonious set of chinks; +Each answering each in various rhymes, +Like echo to St. Patrick's chimes! + Thy Muse, majestic in her rage, +Moves like Statira[5] on the stage; +And scarcely can one page sustain +The length of such a flowing train: +Her train of variegated dye +Shows like Thaumantia's[6] in the sky; +Alike they glow, alike they please, +Alike imprest by Phoebus' rays. + Thy verse--(Ye Gods! I cannot bear it) +To what, to what shall I compare it? +'Tis like, what I have oft heard spoke on, +The famous statue of Laocoon. +'Tis like,--O yes, 'tis very like it, +The long, long string, with which you fly kite. +'Tis like what you, and one or two more, +Roar to your Echo[7] in good humour; +And every couplet thou hast writ +Concludes with Rhattah-whittah-whit.[8] + + +[Footnote 1: These were written all in circles, one within another, as +appears from the observations in the following poem by Dr. Swift.--_F._] + +[Footnote 2: The hundred-armed giant, "centumgeminus Briareus," Virg., +"Aen.," vi, 287; also called Aegaeon, "centum cui brachia dicunt," Virg., +"Aen.," x, 565; see Heyne's notes.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: A mythic king, having three bodies, whose arms were carried +off by Hercules.--Lucr., v, 28, and Munro's note; Virg. "Aen.," vii, 662, +and viii, 202: + + "maxumus ultor + Tergemini nece Geryonae spoliisque superbus + Alcides aderat taurosque hac victor agebat + Ingentis, vallemque boves amnemque tenebant."--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: Cambyses, the warrior king of Persia, whose name is the +emblem of bravado.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 5: Represented as the perfection of female beauty in +"Cassandra," a romance by La Calprenede, romancier et auteur dramatique, +1610-1663,--_Larousse.--W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 6: Iris, daughter of Thaumas, and the messenger of Juno, +descending and returning on the rainbow.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 7: At Gaulstown there is so famous an echo, that if you repeat +two lines of Virgil out of a speaking-trumpet, you may hear the nymph +return them to your ear with great propriety and clearness.--_F._] + +[Footnote 8: These words allude to their amusements with the echo, having +no other signification but to express the sound of stones when beaten one +against the other, returned by the echo.--_F._] + + + + +TO MR. THOMAS SHERIDAN UPON HIS VERSES WRITTEN IN CIRCLES +BY DR. SWIFT + + +It never was known that circular letters, +By humble companions were sent to their betters, +And, as to the subject, our judgment, _meherc'le_, +Is this, that you argue like fools in a circle. +But now for your verses; we tell you, _imprimis_, +The segment so large 'twixt your reason and rhyme is, +That we walk all about, like a horse in a pound, +And, before we find either, our noddles turn round. +Sufficient it were, one would think, in your mad rant, +To give us your measures of line by a quadrant. +But we took our dividers, and found your d--n'd metre, +In each single verse, took up a diameter. +But how, Mr. Sheridan, came you to venture +George, Dan, Dean, and Nim, to place in the centre?[1] +'Twill appear to your cost, you are fairly trepann'd, +For the chord of your circle is now in their hand. +The chord, or the radius, it matters not whether, +By which your jade Pegasus, fix'd in a tether, +As his betters are used, shall be lash'd round the ring, +Three fellows with whips, and the Dean holds the string. +Will Hancock declares, you are out of your compass, +To encroach on his art by writing of bombast; +And has taken just now a firm resolution +To answer your style without circumlocution. + Lady Betty[2] presents you her service most humble, +And is not afraid your worship will grumble, +That she make of your verses a hoop for Miss Tam.[3] +Which is all at present; and so I remain-- + +[Footnote 1: There were four human figures in the centre of the circular +verses.--_F._] + +[Footnote 2: Daughter of the Earl of Drogheda, and married to George +Rochfort, Esq.--_F._] + +[Footnote 3: Miss Thomason, Lady Betty's daughter, then, perhaps, about a +year old; afterwards married to Gustavus Lambert, Esq., of Paynstown, +in the county of Meath.--_Scott._] + + + +ON DR. SHERIDAN'S CIRCULAR VERSES +BY MR. GEORGE ROCHFORT + + +With music and poetry equally blest, +A bard thus Apollo most humbly addrest: +"Great author of harmony, verses, and light! +Assisted by thee, I both fiddle and write. +Yet unheeded I scrape, or I scribble all day, +My verse is neglected, my tunes thrown away. +Thy substitute here, Vice Apollo, disdains +To vouch for my numbers, or list to my strains; +Thy manual signet refuses to put +To the airs I produce from the pen or the gut. +Be thou then propitious, great Phoebus! and grant +Relief, or reward, to my merit, or want. +Though the Dean and Delany transcendently shine, +O brighten one solo or sonnet of mine! +With them I'm content thou shouldst make thy abode; +But visit thy servant in jig or in ode; +Make one work immortal: 'tis all I request." + Apollo look'd pleased; and, resolving to jest, +Replied, "Honest friend, I've consider'd thy case; +Nor dislike thy well-meaning and humorous face. +Thy petition I grant: the boon is not great; +Thy works shall continue; and here's the receipt. +On rondeaus hereafter thy fiddle-strings spend: +Write verses in circles: they never shall end." + + + +ON DAN JACKSON'S PICTURE, CUT IN SILK AND PAPER[1] + +To fair Lady Betty Dan sat for his picture, +And defied her to draw him so oft as he piqued her, +He knew she'd no pencil or colouring by her, +And therefore he thought he might safely defy her. +Come sit, says my lady; then whips up her scissar, +And cuts out his coxcomb in silk in a trice, sir. +Dan sat with attention, and saw with surprise +How she lengthen'd his chin, how she hollow'd his eyes; +But flatter'd himself with a secret conceit, +That his thin lantern jaws all her art would defeat. +Lady Betty observed it, then pulls out a pin, +And varies the grain of the stuff to his grin: +And, to make roasted silk to resemble his raw-bone, +She raised up a thread to the jet of his jaw-bone; +Till at length in exactest proportion he rose, +From the crown of his head to the arch of his nose; +And if Lady Betty had drawn him with wig and all, +'Tis certain the copy had outdone the original. + Well, that's but my outside, says Dan, with a vapour; +Say you so? says my lady; I've lined it with paper. + +PATR. DELANY _sculpsit_. + +[Footnote 1: See vol. i, p. 96. Dan Jackson's nose seems to have been a +favourite subject for raillery, as in this and some following +pieces.--_W. E. B._] + + + +ON THE SAME PICTURE + +Clarissa draws her scissars from the case +To draw the lines of poor Dan Jackson's face; +One sloping cut made forehead, nose, and chin, +A nick produced a mouth, and made him grin, +Such as in tailor's measure you have seen. +But still were wanting his grimalkin eyes, +For which gray worsted stocking paint supplies. +Th' unravell'd thread through needle's eye convey'd, +Transferr'd itself into his pasteboard head. +How came the scissars to be thus outdone? +The needle had an eye, and they had none. +O wondrous force of art! now look at Dan-- +You'll swear the pasteboard was the better man. +"The devil!" says he, "the head is not so full!" +Indeed it is--behold the paper skull. + +THO. SHERIDAN _sculp._ + + + +ON THE SAME + +If you say this was made for friend Dan, you belie it, +I'll swear he's so like it that he was made by it. + +THO. SHERIDAN _sculp._ + + + +ON THE SAME PICTURE + + +Dan's evil genius in a trice +Had stripp'd him of his coin at dice. +Chloe, observing this disgrace, +On Pam cut out his rueful face. +By G--, says Dan, 'tis very hard, +Cut out at dice, cut out at card! + +G. ROCHFORT _sculp._ + + + +ON THE SAME PICTURE + + +Whilst you three merry poets traffic +To give us a description graphic +Of Dan's large nose in modern sapphic; + +I spend my time in making sermons, +Or writing libels on the Germans, +Or murmuring at Whigs' preferments. + +But when I would find rhyme for Rochfort, +And look in English, French, and Scotch for't, +At last I'm fairly forced to botch for't. + +Bid Lady Betty recollect her, +And tell, who was it could direct her +To draw the face of such a spectre? + +I must confess, that as to me, sirs, +Though I ne'er saw her hold the scissars, +I now could safely swear it is hers. + +'Tis true, no nose could come in better; +'Tis a vast subject stuff'd with matter, +Which all may handle, none can flatter. + +Take courage, Dan; this plainly shows, +That not the wisest mortal knows +What fortune may befall his nose. + +Show me the brightest Irish toast, +Who from her lover e'er could boast +Above a song or two at most: + +For thee three poets now are drudging all, +To praise the cheeks, chin, nose, the bridge and all, +Both of the picture and original. + +Thy nose's length and fame extend +So far, dear Dan, that every friend +Tries who shall have it by the end. + +And future poets, as they rise, +Shall read with envy and surprise +Thy nose outshining Celia's eyes. + +JON. SWIFT. + + + +DAN JACKSON'S DEFENCE + + My verse little better you'll find than my face is; + A word to the wise--_ut pictura poesis_. + +Three merry lads, with envy stung, +Because Dan's face is better hung, +Combined in verse to rhyme it down, +And in its place set up their own; +As if they'd run it down much better +By number of their feet in metre. +Or that its red did cause their spite, +Which made them draw in black and white. +Be that as 'twill, this is most true, +They were inspired by what they drew. +Let then such critics know, my face +Gives them their comeliness and grace: +While every line of face does bring +A line of grace to what they sing. +But yet, methinks, though with disgrace +Both to the picture and the face, +I should name them who do rehearse +The story of the picture farce; +The squire, in French as hard as stone, +Or strong as rock, that's all as one, +On face on cards is very brisk, sirs, +Because on them you play at whisk, sirs. +But much I wonder, why my crany +Should envied be by De-el-any: +And yet much more, that half-namesake +Should join a party in the freak. +For sure I am it was not safe +Thus to abuse his better half, +As I shall prove you, Dan, to be, +Divisim and conjunctively. +For if Dan love not Sherry, can +Sherry be anything to Dan? +This is the case whene'er you see +Dan makes nothing of Sherry; +Or should Dan be by Sherry o'erta'en +Then Dan would be poor Sherridane +'Tis hard then he should be decried +By Dan, with Sherry by his side. +But, if the case must be so hard, +That faces suffer by a card, +Let critics censure, what care I? +Backbiters only we defy, +Faces are free from injury. + + + +MR. ROCHFORT'S REPLY + +You say your face is better hung +Than ours--by what? by nose or tongue? +In not explaining you are wrong + to us, sir. + +Because we thus must state the case, +That you have got a hanging face, +Th' untimely end's a damn'd disgrace + of noose, sir. + +But yet be not cast down: I see +A weaver will your hangman be: +You'll only hang in tapestry + with many; + +And then the ladies, I suppose, +Will praise your longitude of nose, +For latent charms within your clothes, + dear Danny. + +Thus will the fair of every age +From all parts make their pilgrimage, +Worship thy nose with pious rage + of love, sir: + +All their religion will be spent +About thy woven monument, +And not one orison be sent + to Jove, sir. + +You the famed idol will become, +As gardens graced in ancient Rome, +By matrons worshipp'd in the gloom + of night.[1] + +O happy Dan! thrice happy sure! +Thy fame for ever shall endure, +Who after death can love secure + at sight. + +So far I thought it was my duty +To dwell upon thy boasted beauty; +Now I'll proceed: a word or two t' ye + in answer + +To that part where you carry on +This paradox, that rock and stone +In your opinion, are all one: + How can, sir, + +A man of reasoning so profound +So stupidly be run a-ground, +As things so different to confound + t'our senses? + +Except you judged them by the knock +Of near an equal hardy block; +Such an experimental stroke + convinces. + +Then might you be, by dint of reason, +A proper judge on this occasion; +'Gainst feeling there's no disputation, + is granted: + +Therefore to thy superior wit, +Who made the trial, we submit; +Thy head to prove the truth of it + we wanted. + +In one assertion you're to blame, +Where Dan and Sherry's made the same, +Endeavouring to have your name + refined, sir: + +You'll see most grossly you mistook, +If you consult your spelling-book, +(The better half you say you took,) + you'll find, sir, + +S, H, E, she--and R, I, ri, +Both put together make Sherry; +D, A, N, Dan--makes up the three + syllables; + +Dan is but one, and Sherry two, +Then, sir, your choice will never do; +Therefore I've turn'd, my friend, on you + the tables. + + +[Footnote 1: Priapus, the god of procreation and fertility, both human +and agricultural, whose statues, painted red, were placed in gardens. +Confer Horat., Sat. I, viii, 1-8; Virg., "Georg.", iv, 110-11. In India, +the same deity is to be seen in retired parts of the gardens, as he is +described by Horace--"ruber porrectus ab inguine palus"--and where he is +worshipped by the matrons for the same reason.--_W. E. B._] + + + +DR. DELANY'S REPLY + +Assist me, my Muse, while I labour to limn him. +_Credite, Pisones, isti tabulae persimilem._ +You look and you write with so different a grace, +That I envy your verse, though I did not your face. +And to him that thinks rightly, there's reason enough, +'Cause one is as smooth as the other is rough. + But much I'm amazed you should think my design +Was to rhyme down your nose, or your harlequin grin, +Which you yourself wonder the de'el should malign. +And if 'tis so strange, that your monstership's crany +Should be envied by him, much less by Delany; +Though I own to you, when I consider it stricter, +I envy the painter, although not the picture. +And justly she's envied, since a fiend of Hell +Was never drawn right but by her and Raphael. + Next, as to the charge, which you tell us is true, +That we were inspired by the subject we drew. +Inspired we were, and well, sir, you knew it; +Yet not by your nose, but the fair one that drew it; +Had your nose been the Muse, we had ne'er been inspired, +Though perhaps it might justly 've been said we were fired, + As to the division of words in your staves, +Like my countryman's horn-comb, into three halves, +I meddle not with 't, but presume to make merry, +You call'd Dan one half, and t'other half Sherry: +Now if Dan's a half, as you call't o'er and o'er, +Then it can't be denied that Sherry's two more. +For pray give me leave to say, sir, for all you, +That Sherry's at least of double the value. +But perhaps, sir, you did it to fill up the verse; +So crowds in a concert (like actors in farce) +Play two parts in one, when scrapers are scarce. +But be that as 'twill, you'll know more anon, sir, +When Sheridan sends to merry Dan answer. + + + +SHERIDAN'S REPLY + + +Three merry lads you own we are; +'Tis very true, and free from care: +But envious we cannot bear, + believe, sir: + +For, were all forms of beauty thine, +Were you like Nereus soft and fine, +We should not in the least repine, + or grieve, sir. + +Then know from us, most beauteous Dan, +That roughness best becomes a man; +'Tis women should be pale, and wan, + and taper; + +And all your trifling beaux and fops, +Who comb their brows, and sleek their chops, +Are but the offspring of toy-shops, + mere vapour. + +We know your morning hours you pass +To cull and gather out a face; +Is this the way you take your glass? + Forbear it: + +Those loads of paint upon your toilet +Will never mend your face, but spoil it, +It looks as if you did parboil it: + Drink claret. + +Your cheeks, by sleeking, are so lean, +That they're like Cynthia in the wane, +Or breast of goose when 'tis pick'd clean, + or pullet: + +See what by drinking you have done: +You've made your phiz a skeleton, +From the long distance of your crown, + t' your gullet. + + + +A REJOINDER BY THE DEAN IN JACKSON'S NAME + +Wearied with saying grace and prayer, +I hasten'd down to country air, +To read your answer, and prepare + reply to't: + +But your fair lines so grossly flatter, +Pray do they praise me or bespatter? +I must suspect you mean the latter-- + Ah! slyboot! + +It must be so! what else, alas! +Can mean by culling of a face, +And all that stuff of toilet, glass, + and box-comb? + +But be't as 'twill, this you must grant, +That you're a daub, whilst I but paint; +Then which of us two is the quaint- + er coxcomb? + +I value not your jokes of noose, +Your gibes and all your foul abuse, +More than the dirt beneath my shoes, + nor fear it. + +Yet one thing vexes me, I own, +Thou sorry scarecrow of skin and bone; +To be called lean by a skeleton, + who'd bear it? + +'Tis true, indeed, to curry friends, +You seem to praise, to make amends, +And yet, before your stanza ends, + you flout me, + +'Bout latent charms beneath my clothes, +For every one that knows me, knows +That I have nothing like my nose + about me: + +I pass now where you fleer and laugh, +'Cause I call Dan my better half! +O there you think you have me safe! + But hold, sir; + +Is not a penny often found +To be much greater than a pound! +By your good leave, my most profound + and bold sir, +Dan's noble metal, Sherry base; +So Dan's the better, though the less, +An ounce of gold's worth ten of brass, + dull pedant! + +As to your spelling, let me see, +If SHE makes sher, and RI makes ry, +Good spelling-master: your crany + has lead in't. + + + +ANOTHER REJOINDER BY THE DEAN, IN JACKSON'S NAME + + +Three days for answer I have waited, +I thought an ace you'd ne'er have bated +And art thou forced to yield, ill-fated + poetaster? + +Henceforth acknowledge, that a nose +Of thy dimension's fit for prose; +But every one that knows Dan, knows + thy master. + +Blush for ill spelling, for ill lines, +And fly with hurry to Rathmines;[1] +Thy fame, thy genius, now declines, + proud boaster. + +I hear with some concern your roar +And flying think to quit the score, +By clapping billets on your door + and posts, sir. + +Thy ruin, Tom, I never meant, +I'm grieved to hear your banishment, +But pleased to find you do relent + and cry on. + +I maul'd you, when you look'd so bluff, +But now I'll secret keep your stuff; +For know, prostration is enough + to th' lion. + +[Footnote 1: A village near Dublin.--_F._] + + + + +SHERIDAN'S SUBMISSION +BY THE DEAN + + Miserae cognosce prooemia rixae, + Si rixa est ubi tu pulsas, ego vapulo tantum.[1] + + + Poor Sherry, inglorious, + To Dan the victorious, + Presents, as 'tis fitting, + Petition and greeting. + +To you, victorious and brave, +Your now subdued and suppliant slave + Most humbly sues for pardon; +Who when I fought still cut me down, +And when I vanquish'd, fled the town + Pursued and laid me hard on. + +Now lowly crouch'd, I cry _peccavi_, +And prostrate, supplicate _pour ma vie_; + Your mercy I rely on; +For you my conqueror and my king, +In pardoning, as in punishing, + Will show yourself a lion. + +Alas! sir, I had no design, +But was unwarily drawn in; + For spite I ne'er had any; +'Twas the damn'd squire with the hard name; +The de'il too that owed me a shame, + The devil and Delany; + +They tempted me t' attack your highness, +And then, with wonted wile and slyness, + They left me in the lurch: +Unhappy wretch! for now, I ween, +I've nothing left to vent my spleen + But ferula and birch: + +And they, alas! yield small relief, +Seem rather to renew my grief, + My wounds bleed all anew: +For every stroke goes to my heart +And at each lash I feel the smart + Of lash laid on by you. + +[Footnote 1: Juvenalis, Sat. iii, 288.--_W. E. B._] + + + +THE PARDON + +The suit which humbly you have made +Is fully and maturely weigh'd; + And as 'tis your petition, +I do forgive, for well I know, +Since you're so bruised, another blow + Would break the head of Priscian.[1] + +'Tis not my purpose or intent +That you should suffer banishment; + I pardon, now you've courted; +And yet I fear this clemency +Will come too late to profit thee, + For you're with grief transported. + +However, this I do command, +That you your birch do take in hand, + Read concord and syntax on; +The bays, your own, are only mine, +Do you then still your nouns decline, + Since you've declined Dan Jackson. + +[Footnote 1: The Roman grammarian, who flourished about A.D. 450, and has +left a work entitled "Commentariorum grammaticorum Libri +xviii."--_W. E. B._] + + + + +THE LAST SPEECH AND DYING WORDS +OF DANIEL JACKSON + +MY DEAR COUNTRYMEN, + + --mediocribus esse poetis + Non funes, non gryps, non concessere columnae.[1] + +To give you a short translation of these two lines from Horace's Art of +Poetry, which I have chosen for my neck-verse, before I proceed to my +speech, you will find they fall naturally into this sense: + + For poets who can't tell [high] rocks from stones, + The rope, the hangman, and the gallows groans. + +I was born in a fen near the foot of Mount Parnassus, commonly called the +Logwood Bog. My mother, whose name was Stanza, conceived me in a dream, +and was delivered of me in her sleep. Her dream was, that Apollo, in the +shape of a gander, with a prodigious long bill, had embraced her; upon +which she consulted the Oracle of Delphos, and the following answer was +made: + +You'll have a gosling, call it Dan, +And do not make your goose a swan. +'Tis true, because the God of Wit +To get him in that shape thought fit, +He'll have some glowworm sparks of it. +Venture you may to turn him loose, +But let it be to another goose. +The time will come, the fatal time, +When he shall dare a swan to rhyme; +The tow'ring swan comes sousing down, +And breaks his pinions, cracks his crown. +From that sad time, and sad disaster, +He'll be a lame, crack'd poetaster. +At length for stealing rhymes and triplets, +He'll be content to hang in giblets. + +You see now, Gentlemen, this is fatally and literally come to pass; for +it was my misfortune to engage with that Pindar of the times, Tom +Sheridan, who did so confound me by sousing on my crown, and did so +batter my pinions, that I was forced to make use of borrowed wings, +though my false accusers have deposed that I stole my feathers from +Hopkins, Sternhold, Silvester, Ogilby, Durfey, etc., for which I now +forgive them and all the world. I die a poet; and this ladder shall be my +Gradus ad Parnassum; and I hope the critics will have mercy on my works. + + Then lo, I mount as slowly as I sung, + And then I'll make a line for every rung;[2] + There's nine, I see,--the Muses, too, are nine. + Who would refuse to die a death like mine! +1. Thou first rung, Clio, celebrate my name; +2. Euterp, in tragic numbers do the same. +3. This rung, I see, Terpsichore's thy flute; +4. Erato, sing me to the Gods; ah, do't: +5. Thalia, don't make me a comedy; +6. Urania, raise me tow'rds the starry sky: +7. Calliope, to ballad-strains descend, +8. And Polyhymnia, tune them for your friend; +9. So shall Melpomene mourn my fatal end. + POOR DAN JACKSON. + +[Footnote 1: A variation from: + "mediocribus esse poetis + Non homines, non di, non concessere columnae." +_Epist. ad Pisones.--W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: The Yorkshire term for the rounds or steps of a ladder; +still used in every part of Ireland.--_Scott_.] + + + + +TO THE REV. DANIEL JACKSON +TO BE HUMBLY PRESENTED BY MR. SHERIDAN IN PERSON, +WITH RESPECT, CARE, AND SPEED. +TO BE DELIVERED BY AND WITH MR. SHERIDAN + + +DEAR DAN, + +Here I return my trust, nor ask + One penny for remittance; +If I have well perform'd my task, + Pray send me an acquittance. + +Too long I bore this weighty pack, + As Hercules the sky; +Now take him you, Dan Atlas, back, + Let me be stander-by. + +Not all the witty things you speak + In compass of a day, +Not half the puns you make a-week, + Should bribe his longer stay. + +With me you left him out at nurse, + Yet are you not my debtor; +For, as he hardly can be worse, + I ne'er could make him better. + +He rhymes and puns, and puns and rhymes, + Just as he did before; +And, when he's lash'd a hundred times, + He rhymes and puns the more. + +When rods are laid on school-boys' bums, + The more they frisk and skip: +The school-boys' top but louder hums + The more they use the whip. + +Thus, a lean beast beneath a load + (A beast of Irish breed) +Will, in a tedious dirty road, + Outgo the prancing steed. + +You knock him down and down in vain, + And lay him flat before ye, +For soon as he gets up again, + He'll strut, and cry, Victoria! + +At every stroke of mine, he fell, + 'Tis true he roar'd and cried; +But his impenetrable shell + Could feel no harm beside. + +The tortoise thus, with motion slow, + Will clamber up a wall; +Yet, senseless to the hardest blow, + Gets nothing but a fall. + +Dear Dan, then, why should you, or I, + Attack his pericrany? +And, since it is in vain to try, + We'll send him to Delany. + + +POSTSCRIPT + +Lean Tom, when I saw him last week on his horse awry, +Threaten'd loudly to turn me to stone with his sorcery, +But, I think, little Dan, that in spite of what our foe says, +He will find I read Ovid and his Metamorphoses, +For omitting the first (where I make a comparison, +With a sort of allusion to Putland or Harrison) +Yet, by my description, you'll find he in short is +A pack and a garran, a top and a tortoise. +So I hope from henceforward you ne'er will ask, can I maul +This teasing, conceited, rude, insolent animal? +And, if this rebuke might turn to his benefit, +(For I pity the man) I should be glad then of it. + + + + +SHERIDAN TO SWIFT + +A Highlander once fought a Frenchman at Margate, +The weapons a rapier, a backsword, and target; +Brisk Monsieur advanced as fast as he could, +But all his fine pushes were caught in the wood; +While Sawney with backsword did slash him and nick him, +While t'other, enraged that he could not once prick him, +Cried, "Sirrah, you rascal, you son of a whore, +Me'll fight you, begar, if you'll come from your door!" + Our case is the same; if you'll fight like a man, +Don't fly from my weapon, and skulk behind Dan; +For he's not to be pierced; his leather's so tough, +The devil himself can't get through his buff. +Besides, I cannot but say that it is hard, +Not only to make him your shield, but your vizard; +And like a tragedian, you rant and you roar, +Through the horrible grin of your larva's wide bore. +Nay, farther, which makes me complain much, and frump it, +You make his long nose your loud speaking-trumpet; +With the din of which tube my head you so bother, +That I scarce can distinguish my right ear from t'other. + +You made me in your last a goose; + I lay my life on't you are wrong, +To raise me by such foul abuse; + My quill you'll find's a woman's tongue; +And slit, just like a bird will chatter, + And like a bird do something more; +When I let fly, 'twill so bespatter, + I'll change you to a black-a-moor. + +I'll write while I have half an eye in my head; +I'll write while I live, and I'll write when you're dead. +Though you call me a goose, you pitiful slave, +I'll feed on the grass that grows on your grave.[1] + +[Footnote 1; _See post_, p. 351.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +SHERIDAN TO SWIFT + +I can't but wonder, Mr. Dean, +To see you live, so often slain. +My arrows fly and fly in vain, +But still I try and try again. +I'm now, Sir, in a writing vein; +Don't think, like you, I squeeze and strain, +Perhaps you'll ask me what I mean; +I will not tell, because it's plain. +Your Muse, I am told, is in the wane; +If so, from pen and ink refrain. +Indeed, believe me, I'm in pain +For her and you; your life's a scene +Of verse, and rhymes, and hurricane, +Enough to crack the strongest brain. +Now to conclude, I do remain, +Your honest friend, TOM SHERIDAN. + + + +SWIFT TO SHERIDAN + +Poor Tom, wilt thou never accept a defiance, +Though I dare you to more than quadruple alliance. +You're so retrograde, sure you were born under Cancer; +Must I make myself hoarse with demanding an answer? +If this be your practice, mean scrub, I assure ye, +And swear by each Fate, and your new friends, each Fury, +I'll drive you to Cavan, from Cavan to Dundalk; +I'll tear all your rules, and demolish your pun-talk: +Nay, further, the moment you're free from your scalding, +I'll chew you to bullets, and puff you at Baldwin. + + + + +MARY THE COOK-MAID'S LETTER TO DR. SHERIDAN. 1723 + + +Well, if ever I saw such another man since my mother bound up my head! +You a gentleman! Marry come up! I wonder where you were bred. +I'm sure such words does not become a man of your cloth; +I would not give such language to a dog, faith and troth. +Yes, you call'd my master a knave; fie, Mr. Sheridan! 'tis a shame +For a parson who should know better things, to come out with such a name. +Knave in your teeth, Mr. Sheridan! 'tis both a shame and a sin; +And the Dean, my master, is an honester man than you and all your kin: +He has more goodness in his little finger than you have in your whole +body: +My master is a personable man, and not a spindle-shank hoddy doddy. +And now, whereby I find you would fain make an excuse, +Because my master, one day, in anger, call'd you a goose: +Which, and I am sure I have been his servant four years since October, +And he never call'd me worse than sweet-heart, drunk or sober: +Not that I know his reverence was ever concern'd to my knowledge, +Though you and your come-rogues keep him out so late in your wicked +college. +You say you will eat grass on his grave:[1] a Christian eat grass! +Whereby you now confess yourself to be a goose or an ass: +But that's as much as to say, that my master should die before ye; +Well, well, that's as God pleases; and I don't believe that's a true +story: +And so say I told you so, and you may go tell my master; what care I? +And I don't care who knows it; 'tis all one to Mary. +Everybody knows that I love to tell truth, and shame the devil: +I am but a poor servant; but I think gentlefolks should be civil. +Besides, you found fault with our victuals one day that you was here; +I remember it was on a Tuesday, of all days in the year. +And Saunders, the man, says you are always jesting and mocking: +Mary, said he, (one day as I was mending my master's stocking;) +My master is so fond of that minister that keeps the school-- +I thought my master a wise man, but that man makes him a fool. +Saunders, said I, I would rather than a quart of ale +He would come into our kitchen, and I would pin a dish-clout to his tail. +And now I must go, and get Saunders to direct this letter; +For I write but a sad scrawl; but my sister Marget she writes better. +Well, but I must run and make the bed, before my master comes from +prayers: +And see now, it strikes ten, and I hear him coming up stairs; +Whereof I could say more to your verses, if I could write written hand; +And so I remain, in a civil way, your servant to 'command, + MARY. + +[Footnote 1: See _ante_, p. 349.--_W.E.B_.] + + + + +A PORTRAIT FROM THE LIFE + +Come sit by my side, while this picture I draw: +In chattering a magpie, in pride a jackdaw; +A temper the devil himself could not bridle; +Impertinent mixture of busy and idle; +As rude as a bear, no mule half so crabbed; +She swills like a sow, and she breeds like a rabbit; +A housewife in bed, at table a slattern; +For all an example, for no one a pattern. +Now tell me, friend Thomas,[1] Ford,[2] Grattan,[3] and Merry Dan,[4] +Has this any likeness to good Madam Sheridan? + +[Footnote 1: Dr. Thos. Sheridan.] + +[Footnote 2: Chas. Ford, of Woodpark, Esq.] + +[Footnote 3: Rev. John Grattan.] + +[Footnote 4: Rev. Daniel Jackson.] + + + +ON STEALING A CROWN, WHEN THE DEAN WAS ASLEEP + + +Dear Dean, since you in sleepy wise +Have oped your mouth, and closed your eyes, +Like ghost I glide along your floor, +And softly shut the parlour door: +For, should I break your sweet repose, +Who knows what money you might lose: +Since oftentimes it has been found, +A dream has given ten thousand pound? +Then sleep, my friend; dear Dean, sleep on, +And all you get shall be your own; +Provided you to this agree, +That all you lose belongs to me. + + + +THE DEAN'S ANSWER + +So, about twelve at night, the punk +Steals from the cully when he's drunk: +Nor is contented with a treat, +Without her privilege to cheat: +Nor can I the least difference find, +But that you left no clap behind. +But, jest apart, restore, you capon ye, +My twelve thirteens[1] and sixpence-ha'penny +To eat my meat and drink my medlicot, +And then to give me such a deadly cut-- +But 'tis observed, that men in gowns +Are most inclined to plunder crowns. +Could you but change a crown as easy +As you can steal one, how 'twould please ye! +I thought the lady[2] at St. Catherine's +Knew how to set you better patterns; +For this I will not dine with Agmondisham,[3] +And for his victuals, let a ragman dish 'em. + +Saturday night. + +[Footnote 1: A shilling passes for thirteen pence in Ireland.--_F._] + +[Footnote 2: Lady Mountcashel.--_F._] + +[Footnote 3: Agmondisham Vesey, Esq., of Lucan, in the county of Dublin, +comptroller and accomptant-general of Ireland, a very worthy gentleman, +for whom the Dean had a great esteem.--_Scott_.] + + + + +A PROLOGUE TO A PLAY PERFORMED AT MR. SHERIDAN'S SCHOOL. +SPOKEN BY ONE OF THE SCHOLARS + + +AS in a silent night a lonely swain, +'Tending his flocks on the Pharsalian plain, +To Heaven around directs his wandering eyes, +And every look finds out a new surprise; +So great's our wonder, ladies, when we view +Our lower sphere made more serene by you. +O! could such light in my dark bosom shine, +What life, what vigour, should adorn each line! +Beauty and virtue should be all my theme, +And Venus brighten my poetic flame. +The advent'rous painter's fate and mine are one +Who fain would draw the bright meridian sun; +Majestic light his feeble art defies, +And for presuming, robs him of his eyes. +Then blame your power, that my inferior lays +Sink far below your too exalted praise: +Don't think we flatter, your applause to gain; +No, we're sincere,--to flatter you were vain. +You spurn at fine encomiums misapplied, +And all perfections but your beauties hide. +Then as you're fair, we hope you will be kind, +Nor frown on those you see so well inclined +To please you most. Grant us your smiles, and then +Those sweet rewards will make us act like men. + + + + +THE EPILOGUE + +Now all is done, ye learn'd spectators, tell +Have we not play'd our parts extremely well? +We think we did, but if you do complain, +We're all content to act the play again: +'Tis but three hours or thereabouts, at most, +And time well spent in school cannot be lost. +But what makes you frown, you gentlemen above? +We guess'd long since you all desired to move: +But that's in vain, for we'll not let a man stir, +Who does not take up Plautus first, and conster,[1] +Him we'll dismiss, that understands the play; +He who does not, i'faith, he's like to stay. +Though this new method may provoke your laughter, +To act plays first, and understand them after; +We do not care, for we will have our humour, +And will try you, and you, and you, sir, and one or two more. +Why don't you stir? there's not a man will budge; +How much they've read, I leave you all to judge. + +[Footnote 1: The vulgar pronunciation of the word construe is here +intended.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +THE SONG + +A parody on the popular song beginning, +"My time, O ye Muses, was happily spent." + +My time, O ye Grattans, was happily spent, +When Bacchus went with me, wherever I went; +For then I did nothing but sing, laugh, and jest; +Was ever a toper so merrily blest? +But now I so cross, and so peevish am grown, +Because I must go to my wife back to town; +To the fondling and toying of "honey," and "dear," +And the conjugal comforts of horrid small beer. + My daughter I ever was pleased to see +Come fawning and begging to ride on my knee: +My wife, too, was pleased, and to the child said, +Come, hold in your belly, and hold up your head: +But now out of humour, I with a sour look, +Cry, hussy, and give her a souse with my book; +And I'll give her another; for why should she play, +Since my Bacchus, and glasses, and friends, are away? + Wine, what of thy delicate hue is become, +That tinged our glasses with blue, like a plum? +Those bottles, those bumpers, why do they not smile, +While we sit carousing and drinking the while? +Ah, bumpers, I see that our wine is all done, +Our mirth falls of course, when our Bacchus is gone. +Then since it is so, bring me here a supply; +Begone, froward wife, for I'll drink till I die. + + + + +A NEW YEAR'S GIFT FOR THE DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S +GIVEN HIM AT QUILCA. BY SHERIDAN +1723 + + +How few can be of grandeur sure! +The high may fall, the rich be poor. +The only favourite at court, +To-morrow may be Fortune's sport; +For all her pleasure and her aim +Is to destroy both power and fame. + Of this the Dean is an example, +No instance is more plain and ample. +The world did never yet produce, +For courts a man of greater use. +Nor has the world supplied as yet, +With more vivacity and wit; +Merry alternately and wise, +To please the statesman, and advise. +Through all the last and glorious reign, +Was nothing done without the Dean; +The courtier's prop, the nation's pride; +But now, alas! he's thrown aside; +He's quite forgot, and so's the queen, +As if they both had never been. +To see him now a mountaineer! +Oh! what a mighty fall is here! +From settling governments and thrones, +To splitting rocks, and piling stones. +Instead of Bolingbroke and Anna, +Shane Tunnally, and Bryan Granna, +Oxford and Ormond he supplies, +In every Irish Teague he spies: +So far forgetting his old station, +He seems to like their conversation, +Conforming to the tatter'd rabble, +He learns their Irish tongue to gabble; +And, what our anger more provokes, +He's pleased with their insipid jokes; +Then turns and asks them who do lack a +Good plug, or pipefull of tobacco. +All cry they want, to every man +He gives, extravagant, a span. +Thus are they grown more fond than ever, +And he is highly in their favour. + Bright Stella, Quilca's greatest pride, +For them he scorns and lays aside; +And Sheridan is left alone +All day, to gape, and stretch, and groan; +While grumbling, poor, complaining Dingley, +Is left to care and trouble singly. +All o'er the mountains spreads the rumour, +Both of his bounty and good humour; +So that each shepherdess and swain +Comes flocking here to see the Dean. +All spread around the land, you'd swear +That every day we kept a fair. +My fields are brought to such a pass, +I have not left a blade of grass; +That all my wethers and my beeves +Are slighted by the very thieves. + At night right loath to quit the park, +His work just ended by the dark, +With all his pioneers he comes, +To make more work for whisk and brooms. +Then seated in an elbow-chair, +To take a nap he does prepare; +While two fair damsels from the lawns, +Lull him asleep with soft cronawns. + Thus are his days in delving spent, +His nights in music and content; +He seems to gain by his distress, +His friends are more, his honours less. + + + + +TO QUILCA +A COUNTRY-HOUSE OF DR. SHERIDAN, IN NO VERY GOOD REPAIR. 1725 + + +Let me thy properties explain: +A rotten cabin, dropping rain: +Chimneys, with scorn rejecting smoke; +Stools, tables, chairs, and bedsteads broke. +Here elements have lost their uses, +Air ripens not, nor earth produces: +In vain we make poor Sheelah[1] toil, +Fire will not roast, nor water boil. +Through all the valleys, hills, and plains, +The goddess Want, in triumph reigns; +And her chief officers of state, +Sloth, Dirt, and Theft, around her wait. + + + + +THE BLESSINGS OF A COUNTRY LIFE +1725 + +Far from our debtors; no Dublin letters; +Not seen by our betters. + + +THE PLAGUES OF A COUNTRY LIFE + +A companion with news; a great want of shoes; +Eat lean meat or choose; a church without pews; +Our horses away; no straw, oats, or hay; +December in May; our boys run away; all servants at play. + + + +A FAITHFUL INVENTORY +OF THE FURNITURE BELONGING TO ---- ROOM IN T. C. D. +IN IMITATION OF DR. SWIFT'S MANNER. +WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1725 + +----quaeque ipse miserrima vidi.[1] + +This description of a scholar's room in Trinity College, Dublin, was +found among Mr. Smith's papers. It is not in the Dean's hand, but seems +to have been the production of Sheridan. + + +Imprimis, there's a table blotted, +A tatter'd hanging all bespotted. +A bed of flocks, as I may rank it, +Reduced to rug and half a blanket. +A tinder box without a flint, +An oaken desk with nothing in't; +A pair of tongs bought from a broker, +A fender and a rusty poker; +A penny pot and basin, this +Design'd for water, that for piss; +A broken-winded pair of bellows, +Two knives and forks, but neither fellows. +Item, a surplice, not unmeeting, +Either for table-cloth, or sheeting; +There is likewise a pair of breeches, +But patch'd, and fallen in the stitches, +Hung up in study very little, +Plaster'd with cobweb and spittle, +An airy prospect all so pleasing, +From my light window without glazing, +A trencher and a College bottle, +Piled up on Locke and Aristotle. +A prayer-book, which he seldom handles +A save-all and two farthing candles. +A smutty ballad, musty libel, +A Burgersdicius[2] and a Bible. +The C****[3] Seasons and the Senses +By Overton, to save expenses. +Item, (if I am not much mistaken,) +A mouse-trap with a bit of bacon. +A candlestick without a snuffer, +Whereby his fingers often suffer. +Two odd old shoes I should not skip here, +Each strapless serves instead of slippers, +And chairs a couple, I forgot 'em, +But each of them without a bottom. +Thus I in rhyme have comprehended +His goods, and so my schedule's ended. + +[Footnote 1: Virg., "Aen.," ii, 5.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Francis Burgersdicius, author of "An Argument to prove that +the 39th section of the Lth chapter of the Statutes given by Queen +Elizabeth to the University of Cambridge includes the whole Statutes of +that University, with an answer to the Argument and the Author's reply." +London, 1727. He was one of those logicians that Swift so +disliked.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 3: Illegible. John Overton, 1640-1708, a dealer in +mezzotints.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +PALINODIA[1] + +HORACE, BOOK I, ODE XVI + +Great Sir, than Phoebus more divine, +Whose verses far his rays outshine, + Look down upon your quondam foe; +O! let me never write again, +If e'er I disoblige you, Dean, + Should you compassion show. + +Take those iambics which I wrote, +When anger made me piping hot, + And give them to your cook, +To singe your fowl, or save your paste +The next time when you have a feast; + They'll save you many a book. + +To burn them, you are not content; +I give you then my free consent, + To sink them in the harbour; +If not, they'll serve to set off blocks, +To roll on pipes, and twist in locks; + So give them to your barber. + +Or, when you next your physic take, +I must entreat you then to make + A proper application; +'Tis what I've done myself before, +With Dan's fine thoughts and many more, + Who gave me provocation. + +What cannot mighty anger do? +It makes the weak the strong pursue, + A goose attack a swan; +It makes a woman, tooth and nail, +Her husband's hands and face assail, + While he's no longer man. + +Though some, we find, are more discreet, +Before the world are wondrous sweet, + And let their husbands hector: +But when the world's asleep, they wake, +That is the time they choose to speak: + Witness the curtain lecture. + +Such was the case with you, I find: +All day you could conceal your mind; + But when St. Patrick's chimes +Awaked your muse, (my midnight curse, +When I engaged for better for worse,) + You scolded with your rhymes. + +Have done! have done! I quit the field, +To you as to my wife, I yield: + As she must wear the breeches: +So shall you wear the laurel crown, +Win it and wear it, 'tis your own; + The poet's only riches. + +[Footnote 1: Recantation.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +A LETTER TO THE DEAN +WHEN IN ENGLAND. 1726. BY DR. SHERIDAN + + +You will excuse me, I suppose, +For sending rhyme instead of prose. +Because hot weather makes me lazy, +To write in metre is more easy. + While you are trudging London town, +I'm strolling Dublin up and down; +While you converse with lords and dukes, +I have their betters here, my books: +Fix'd in an elbow-chair at ease, +I choose companions as I please. +I'd rather have one single shelf +Than all my friends, except yourself; +For, after all that can be said, +Our best acquaintance are the dead. +While you're in raptures with Faustina;[1] +I'm charm'd at home with our Sheelina. +While you are starving there in state, +I'm cramming here with butchers' meat. +You say, when with those lords you dine, +They treat you with the best of wine, +Burgundy, Cyprus, and Tokay; +Why, so can we, as well as they. +No reason then, my dear good Dean, +But you should travel home again. +What though you mayn't in Ireland hope +To find such folk as Gay and Pope; +If you with rhymers here would share +But half the wit that you can spare, +I'd lay twelve eggs, that in twelve days, +You'd make a dozen of Popes and Gays. + Our weather's good, our sky is clear; +We've every joy, if you were here; +So lofty and so bright a sky +Was never seen by Ireland's eye! +I think it fit to let you know, +This week I shall to Quilca go; +To see M'Faden's horny brothers +First suck, and after bull their mothers; +To see, alas! my wither'd trees! +To see what all the country sees! +My stunted quicks, my famish'd beeves, +My servants such a pack of thieves; +My shatter'd firs, my blasted oaks, +My house in common to all folks, +No cabbage for a single snail, +My turnips, carrots, parsneps, fail; +My no green peas, my few green sprouts; +My mother always in the pouts; +My horses rid, or gone astray; +My fish all stolen or run away; +My mutton lean, my pullets old, +My poultry starved, the corn all sold. +A man come now from Quilca says, +"_They_'ve[2] stolen the locks from all your keys;" +But, what must fret and vex me more, +He says, "_They_ stole the keys before. +_They_'ve stol'n the knives from all the forks; +And half the cows from half the sturks." +Nay more, the fellow swears and vows, +"_They_'ve stol'n the sturks from half the cows:" +With many more accounts of woe, +Yet, though the devil be there, I'll go: +'Twixt you and me, the reason's clear, +Because I've more vexation here. + +[Footnote 1: Signora Faustina, a famous Italian singer.--_Dublin +Edition._] + +[Footnote 2: _They_ is the grand thief of the county of Cavan, for +whatever is stolen, if you enquire of a servant about it, the answer is, +"They have stolen it." _Dublin Edition._--_W. E. B._] + + + + +AN INVITATION TO DINNER +FROM DOCTOR SHERIDAN TO DOCTOR SWIFT +1727 + + +I've sent to the ladies this morning to warn 'em, +To order their chaise, and repair to Rathfarnam;[1] +Where you shall be welcome to dine, if your deanship +Can take up with me, and my friend Stella's leanship.[2] +I've got you some soles, and a fresh bleeding bret, +That's just disengaged from the toils of a net: +An excellent loin of fat veal to be roasted, +With lemons, and butter, and sippets well toasted: +Some larks that descended, mistaking the skies, +Which Stella brought down by the light of her eyes; +And there, like Narcissus,[3] they gazed till they died, +And now they're to lie in some crumbs that are fried. +My wine will inspire you with joy and delight, +'Tis mellow, and old, and sparkling, and bright; +An emblem of one that you love, I suppose, +Who gathers more lovers the older she grows.[4] +Let me be your Gay, and let Stella be Pope, +We'll wean you from sighing for England I hope; +When we are together there's nothing that is dull, +There's nothing like Durfey, or Smedley, or Tisdall. +We've sworn to make out an agreeable feast, +Our dinner, our wine, and our wit to your taste. + +Your answer in half-an-hour, though you are at prayers; +you have a pencil in your pocket. + +[Footnote 1: A village near Dublin, where Dr. Sheridan had a country +house.] + +[Footnote 2: Stella was at this time in a very declining state of health. +She died the January following.--_F._] + +[Footnote 3: The youth who died for love of his own image reflected in a +fountain, and was changed into a flower of the same name. Ovid, "Metam.," +iii, 407.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 4: He means Stella, who was certainly one of the most amiable +women in the world.--_F._] + + + + +ON THE FIVE LADIES AT SOT'S HOLE[1] +WITH THE DOCTOR[2] AT THEIR HEAD + +N.B. THE LADIES TREATED THE DOCTOR. +SENT AS FROM AN OFFICER IN THE ARMY. 1728 + +Fair ladies, number five, + Who in your merry freaks, +With little Tom contrive + To feast on ale and steaks; + +While he sits by a-grinning, + To see you safe in Sot's Hole, +Set up with greasy linen, + And neither mugs nor pots whole; + +Alas! I never thought + A priest would please your palate; +Besides, I'll hold a groat + He'll put you in a ballad; + +Where I shall see your faces, + On paper daub'd so foul, +They'll be no more like graces, + Than Venus like an owl. + +And we shall take you rather + To be a midnight pack +Of witches met together, + With Beelzebub in black. + +It fills my heart with woe, + To think such ladies fine +Should be reduced so low, + To treat a dull divine. + +Be by a parson cheated! + Had you been cunning stagers, +You might yourselves be treated + By captains and by majors. + +See how corruption grows, + While mothers, daughters, aunts, +Instead of powder'd beaux, + From pulpits choose gallants. + +If we, who wear our wigs + With fantail and with snake, +Are bubbled thus by prigs; + Z----ds! who would be a rake? + +Had I a heart to fight, + I'd knock the Doctor down; +Or could I read or write, + Egad! I'd wear a gown. + +Then leave him to his birch;[3] + And at the Rose on Sunday, +The parson safe at church, + I'll treat you with burgundy. + +[Footnote 1: An ale-house in Dublin, famous for +beef-steaks.--_F._] + +[Footnote 2: Doctor Thomas Sheridan.--_F._] + +[Footnote 3: Dr. Sheridan was a schoolmaster.--_F._] + + + + +THE FIVE LADIES' ANSWER TO THE BEAU + +WITH THE WIG AND WINGS AT HIS HEAD +BY DR. SHERIDAN + + +You little scribbling beau, + What demon made you write? +Because to write you know + As much as you can fight. + +For compliment so scurvy, + I wish we had you here; +We'd turn you topsy-turvy + Into a mug of beer. + +You thought to make a farce on + The man and place we chose; +We're sure a single parson + Is worth a hundred beaux. + +And you would make us vassals, + Good Mr. Wig and Wings, +To silver clocks and tassels; + You would, you Thing of Things! + +Because around your cane + A ring of diamonds is set; +And you, in some by-lane, + Have gain'd a paltry grisette; + +Shall we, of sense refined, + Your trifling nonsense bear, +As noisy as the wind, + As empty as the air? + +We hate your empty prattle; + And vow and swear 'tis true, +There's more in one child's rattle, + Than twenty fops like you. + + + + +THE BEAU'S REPLY TO THE FIVE LADIES' ANSWER + +Why, how now, dapper black! + I smell your gown and cassock, +As strong upon your back, + As Tisdall[1] smells of a sock. + +To write such scurvy stuff! + Fine ladies never do't; +I know you well enough, + And eke your cloven foot. + +Fine ladies, when they write, + Nor scold, nor keep a splutter: +Their verses give delight, + As soft and sweet as butter. + +But Satan never saw + Such haggard lines as these: +They stick athwart my maw, + As bad as Suffolk cheese. + +[Footnote 1: Dr. William Tisdall, a clergyman in the north of Ireland, +who had paid his addresses to Mrs. Johnson. He is several times mentioned +in the Journal to Stella, and is not to be confused with another Tisdall +or Tisdell, whom Swift knew in London, also mentioned in the +Journal.--_W. E. B._] + + + + +DR. SHERIDAN'S BALLAD ON BALLY-SPELLIN.[1] +1728 + +All you that would refine your blood, + As pure as famed Llewellyn, +By waters clear, come every year + To drink at Ballyspellin. + +Though pox or itch your skins enrich + With rubies past the telling, +'Twill clear your skin before you've been + A month at Ballyspellin. + +If lady's cheek be green as leek + When she comes from her dwelling, +The kindling rose within it glows + When she's at Ballyspellin. + +The sooty brown, who comes from town, + Grows here as fair as Helen; +Then back she goes, to kill the beaux, + By dint of Ballyspellin. + +Our ladies are as fresh and fair + As Rose,[2] or bright Dunkelling: +And Mars might make a fair mistake, + Were he at Ballyspellin. + +We men submit as they think fit, + And here is no rebelling: +The reason's plain; the ladies reign, + They're queens at Ballyspellin. + +By matchless charms, unconquer'd arms, + They have the way of quelling +Such desperate foes as dare oppose + Their power at Ballyspellin. + +Cold water turns to fire, and burns + I know, because I fell in +A stream, which came from one bright dame + Who drank at Ballyspellin. + +Fine beaux advance, equipt for dance, + To bring their Anne or Nell in, +With so much grace, I'm sure no place + Can vie with Ballyspellin. + +No politics, no subtle tricks, + No man his country selling: +We eat, we drink; we never think + Of these at Ballyspellin. + +The troubled mind, the puff'd with wind, + Do all come here pell-mell in; +And they are sure to work their cure + By drinking Ballyspellin. + +Though dropsy fills you to the gills, + From chin to toe though swelling, +Pour in, pour out, you cannot doubt + A cure at Ballyspellin. + +Death throws no darts through all these parts, + No sextons here are knelling; +Come, judge and try, you'll never die, + But live at Ballyspellin. + +Except you feel darts tipp'd with steel, + Which here are every belle in: +When from their eyes sweet ruin flies, + We die at Ballyspellin. + +Good cheer, sweet air, much joy, no care, + Your sight, your taste, your smelling, +Your ears, your touch, transported much + Each day at Ballyspellin. + +Within this ground we all sleep sound, + No noisy dogs a-yelling; +Except you wake, for Celia's sake, + All night at Ballyspellin. + +There all you see, both he and she, + No lady keeps her cell in; +But all partake the mirth we make, + Who drink at Ballyspellin. + +My rhymes are gone; I think I've none, + Unless I should bring Hell in; +But, since I'm here to Heaven so near, + I can't at Ballyspellin! + + +[Footnote 1: A famous spa in the county of Kilkenny, "whither Sheridan +had gone to drink the waters with a new favourite lady." See note to the +"Answer," _post_, p. 371.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: Ross.--_Dublin Edition._] + + + + +ANSWER.[1] BY DR. SWIFT + +Dare you dispute, you saucy brute, + And think there's no refelling +Your scurvy lays, and senseless praise + You give to Ballyspellin? + +Howe'er you flounce, I here pronounce, + Your medicine is repelling; +Your water's mud, and sours the blood + When drunk at Ballyspellin. + +Those pocky drabs, to cure their scabs, + You thither are compelling, +Will back be sent worse than they went, + From nasty Ballyspellin. + +Llewellyn why? As well may I + Name honest Doctor Pellin; +So hard sometimes you tug for rhymes, + To bring in Ballyspellin. + +No subject fit to try your wit, + When you went colonelling: +But dull intrigues 'twixt jades and teagues, + You met at Ballyspellin. + +Our lasses fair, say what you dare, + Who sowins[2] make with shelling, +At Market-hill more beaux can kill, + Than yours at Ballyspellin. + +Would I was whipt, when Sheelah stript, + To wash herself our well in, +A bum so white ne'er came in sight + At paltry Ballyspellin. + +Your mawkins there smocks hempen wear; + Of Holland not an ell in, +No, not a rag, whate'er your brag, + Is found at Ballyspellin. + +But Tom will prate at any rate, + All other nymphs expelling: +Because he gets a few grisettes + At lousy Ballyspellin. + +There's bonny Jane, in yonder lane, + Just o'er against the Bell inn; +Where can you meet a lass so sweet, + Round all your Ballyspellin? + +We have a girl deserves an earl; + She came from Enniskellin; +So fair, so young, no such among + The belles of Ballyspellin. + +How would you stare, to see her there, + The foggy mists dispelling, +That cloud the brows of every blowse + Who lives at Ballyspellin! + +Now, as I live, I would not give + A stiver or a skellin, +To towse and kiss the fairest miss + That leaks at Ballyspellin. + +Whoe'er will raise such lies as these + Deserves a good cudgelling: +Who falsely boasts of belles and toasts + At dirty Ballyspellin. + +My rhymes are gone to all but one, + Which is, our trees are felling; +As proper quite as those you write, + To force in Ballyspellin. + + +[Footnote 1: This answer, which seems to have been made while Swift was +on a visit at Sir Arthur Acheson's, "in a mere jest and innocent +merriment," was resented by Sheridan as an affront on the lady and +himself, "against all the rules of reason, taste, good nature, judgment, +gratitude, or common manners." See "The History of the Second Solomon," +"Prose Works," xi, 157. The mutual irritation soon passed, and the Dean +and Sheridan resumed their intimate friendship.--_W. E. B._] + +[Footnote 2: A food much used in Scotland, the north of Ireland, and +other parts. It is made of oatmeal, and sometimes of the shellings of +oats; and known by the names of sowins or flummery.--_F._] + + + + +AN EPISTLE TO TWO FRIENDS[1] + +TO DR. HELSHAM [2] + +Nov. 23, at night, 1731. + +SIR, + +When I left you, I found myself of the grape's juice sick; +I'm so full of pity I never abuse sick; +And the patientest patient ever you knew sick; +Both when I am purge-sick, and when I am spew-sick. +I pitied my cat, whom I knew by her mew sick: +She mended at first, but now she's anew sick. +Captain Butler made some in the church black and blue sick. +Dean Cross, had he preach'd, would have made us all pew-sick. +Are not you, in a crowd when you sweat and you stew, sick? +Lady Santry got out of the church[3] when she grew sick, +And as fast as she could, to the deanery flew sick. +Miss Morice was (I can assure you 'tis true) sick: +For, who would not be in that numerous crew sick? +Such music would make a fanatic or Jew sick, +Yet, ladies are seldom at ombre or loo sick. +Nor is old Nanny Shales,[4] whene'er she does brew, sick. +My footman came home from the church of a bruise sick, +And look'd like a rake, who was made in the stews sick: +But you learned doctors can make whom you choose sick: +And poor I myself was, when I withdrew, sick: +For the smell of them made me like garlic and rue sick, +And I got through the crowd, though not led by a clew, sick. +Yet hoped to find many (for that was your cue) sick; +But there was not a dozen (to give them their due) sick, +And those, to be sure, stuck together like glue sick. +So are ladies in crowds, when they squeeze and they screw, sick; +You may find they are all, by their yellow pale hue, sick; +So am I, when tobacco, like Robin, I chew, sick. + +[Footnote 1: This medley, for it cannot be called a poem, is given as a +specimen of those _bagatelles_ for which the Dean hath perhaps been too +severely censured.--_H._] + +[Footnote 2: Richard Helsham, M.D., Professor of Physic and Natural +Philosophy in the University of Dublin, born about 1682 at Leggatsrath, +Kilkenny, a friend of Swift, who mentions him as "the most eminent +physician in this city and kingdom." He was one of the brilliant literary +coterie in Dublin at that period. He died in 1738.--_W. E. B._.] + +[Footnote 3: St. Patrick's Cathedral, where the music on St. Cecilia's +day was usually performed.--_F._] + +[Footnote 4: _Vide_ Grattan, _inter_ Belchamp and Clonshogh.--_Dublin +Edition._] + + + + +TO DR. SHERIDAN + +Nov. 23, at night. + +If I write any more, it will make my poor Muse sick. +This night I came home with a very cold dew sick, +And I wish I may soon be not of an ague sick; +But I hope I shall ne'er be like you, of a shrew sick, +Who often has made me, by looking askew, sick. + + + +DR. HELSHAM'S ANSWER + +The Doctor's first rhyme would make any Jew sick: +I know it has made a fine lady in blue sick, +For which she is gone in a coach to Killbrew sick, +Like a hen I once had, from a fox when she flew sick: +Last Monday a lady at St. Patrick's did spew sick: +And made all the rest of the folks in the pew sick, +The surgeon who bled her his lancet out drew sick, +And stopp'd the distemper, as being but new sick. +The yacht, the last storm, had all her whole crew sick; +Had we two been there, it would have made me and you sick: +A lady that long'd, is by eating of glue sick; +Did you ever know one in a very good Q sick? +I'm told that my wife is by winding a clew sick; +The doctors have made her by rhyme[1] and by rue sick. + There's a gamester in town, for a throw that he threw sick, +And yet the whole trade of his dice he'll pursue sick; +I've known an old miser for paying his due sick; +At present I'm grown by a pinch of my shoe sick, +And what would you have me with verses to do sick? +Send rhymes, and I'll send you some others in lieu sick. + Of rhymes I have plenty, + And therefore send twenty. + +Answered the same day when sent, Nov. 23. + +I desire you will carry both these to the Doctor together with his own; +and let him know we are not persons to be insulted. + +I was at Howth to-day, and staid abroad a-visiting till just now. + +Tuesday Evening, Nov. 23, 1731. + + "Can you match with me, + Who send thirty-three? + You must get fourteen more, + To make up thirty-four: + But, if me you can conquer, + I'll own you a strong cur."[2] + + This morning I'm growing, by smelling of yew, sick; +My brother's come over with gold from Peru sick; +Last night I came home in a storm that then blew sick; +This moment my dog at a cat I halloo sick; +I hear from good hands, that my poor cousin Hugh's sick; +By quaffing a bottle, and pulling a screw sick: +And now there's no more I can write (you'll excuse) sick; +You see that I scorn to mention word music. + I'll do my best, + To send the rest; + Without a jest, + I'll stand the test. + These lines that I send you, I hope you'll peruse sick; +I'll make you with writing a little more news sick; +Last night I came home with drinking of booze sick; +My carpenter swears that he'll hack and he'll hew sick. +An officer's lady, I'm told, is tattoo sick; +I'm afraid that the line thirty-four you will view sick. + Lord! I could write a dozen more; + You see I've mounted thirty-four. + +[Footnote 1: Time.--_Dublin Edition._] + +[Footnote 2: The lines "thus marked" were written by Dr. Swift, at the +bottom of Dr. Helsham's twenty lines; and the following fourteen were +afterwards added on the same paper.--_N._] + + + + +A TRUE AND FAITHFUL INVENTORY +OF THE GOODS BELONGING TO DR. SWIFT, VICAR OF LARACOR. +UPON LENDING HIS HOUSE TO THE BISHOP OF MEATH, +UNTIL HIS OWN WAS BUILT[1] + + +An oaken broken elbow-chair; +A caudle cup without an ear; +A batter'd, shatter'd ash bedstead; +A box of deal, without a lid; +A pair of tongs, but out of joint; +A back-sword poker, without point; +A pot that's crack'd across, around, +With an old knotted garter bound; +An iron lock, without a key; +A wig, with hanging, grown quite grey; +A curtain, worn to half a stripe; +A pair of bellows, without pipe; +A dish, which might good meat afford once; +An Ovid, and an old Concordance; +A bottle-bottom, wooden-platter +One is for meal, and one for water; +There likewise is a copper skillet, +Which runs as fast out as you fill it; +A candlestick, snuff-dish, and save-all, +And thus his household goods you have all. +These, to your lordship, as a friend, +'Till you have built, I freely lend: +They'll serve your lordship for a shift; +Why not as well as Doctor Swift? + +[Footnote 1: This poem was written by Sheridan, who had it presented to +the Bishop by a beggar, in the form of a petition, to Swift's great +surprise, who was in the carriage with his Lordship at the +time.--_Scott._] + + + + +A NEW SIMILE FOR THE LADIES +WITH USEFUL ANNOTATIONS, BY DR. SHERIDAN[1] +1733 + + To make a writer miss his end, + You've nothing else to do but mend. + +I often tried in vain to find +A simile[2] for womankind, +A simile, I mean, to fit 'em, +In every circumstance to hit 'em.[3] +Through every beast and bird I went, +I ransack'd every element; +And, after peeping through all nature, +To find so whimsical a creature, +A cloud[4] presented to my view, +And straight this parallel I drew: + Clouds turn with every wind about, +They keep us in suspense and doubt, +Yet, oft perverse, like womankind, +Are seen to scud against the wind: +And are not women just the same? +For who can tell at what they aim?[5] + Clouds keep the stoutest mortals under, +When, bellowing,[6] they discharge their thunder: +So, when the alarum-bell is rung, +Of Xanti's[7] everlasting tongue, +The husband dreads its loudness more +Than lightning's flash, or thunder's roar. + Clouds weep, as they do, without pain; +And what are tears but women's rain? + The clouds about the welkin roam:[8] +And ladies never stay at home. + The clouds build castles in the air, +A thing peculiar to the fair: +For all the schemes of their forecasting,[9] +Are not more solid nor more lasting. + A cloud is light by turns, and dark, +Such is a lady with her spark; +Now with a sudden pouting[10] gloom +She seems to darken all the room; +Again she's pleased, his fear's beguiled,[11] +And all is clear when she has smiled. +In this they're wondrously alike, +(I hope the simile will strike,)[12] +Though in the darkest dumps[13] you view them, +Stay but a moment, you'll see through them. + The clouds are apt to make reflection,[14] +And frequently produce infection; +So Celia, with small provocation, +Blasts every neighbour's reputation. + The clouds delight in gaudy show, +(For they, like ladies, have their bow;) +The gravest matron[15] will confess, +That she herself is fond of dress. + Observe the clouds in pomp array'd, +What various colours are display'd; +The pink, the rose, the violet's dye, +In that great drawing-room the sky; +How do these differ from our Graces,[16] +In garden-silks, brocades, and laces? +Are they not such another sight, +When met upon a birth-day night? + The clouds delight to change their fashion: +(Dear ladies, be not in a passion!) +Nor let this whim to you seem strange, +Who every hour delight in change. + In them and you alike are seen +The sullen symptoms of the spleen; +The moment that your vapours rise, +We see them dropping from your eyes. + In evening fair you may behold +The clouds are fringed with borrow'd gold; +And this is many a lady's case, +Who flaunts about in borrow'd lace.[17] + Grave matrons are like clouds of snow, +Their words fall thick, and soft, and slow; +While brisk coquettes,[18] like rattling hail, +Our ears on every side assail. + Clouds, when they intercept our sight, +Deprive us of celestial light: +So when my Chloe I pursue, +No heaven besides I have in view. + Thus, on comparison,[19] you see, +In every instance they agree; +So like, so very much the same, +That one may go by t'other's name. +Let me proclaim[20] it then aloud, +That every woman is a cloud. + + +[Footnote 1: The following foot-notes, which appear to be Dr. Sheridan's, +are replaced from the Irish edition:] + +[Footnote 2: Most ladies, in reading, call this word a _smile_; but they +are to note, it consists of three syllables, si-mi-le. In English, a +likeness.] + +[Footnote 3: Not to hurt them.] + +[Footnote 4: Not like a gun or pistol.] + +[Footnote 5: This is not meant as to shooting, but resolving.] + +[Footnote 6: This word is not here to be understood of a bull, but a +cloud, which makes a noise like a bull, when it thunders.] + +[Footnote 7: Xanti, a nick-name for Xantippe, that scold of glorious +memory, who never let poor Socrates have one moment's peace of mind; yet +with unexampled patience, he bore her pestilential tongue. I shall beg +the ladies' pardon if I insert a few passages concerning her; and at the +same time I assure them, it is not to lessen those of the present age, +who are possessed of the like laudable talents; for I will confess, that +I know three in the city of Dublin, no way inferior to Xantippe, but that +they have not as great men to work upon. + +When a friend asked Socrates, how he could bear the scolding of his +wife Xantippe? he retorted, and asked him, how he could bear the +gaggling of his geese? Ay, but my geese lay eggs for me, replied his +friend; so doth my wife bear children, said Socrates.--_Diog. Laert._ + +Being asked at another time, by a friend, how he could bear her tongue? +he said, she was of this use to him, that she taught him to bear the +impertinences of others with more ease when he went abroad.--_Plat. De +Capiend. ex host. utilit._ + +Socrates invited his friend Euthymedus to supper. Xantippe, in great +rage, went in to them, and overset the table. Euthymedus, rising in a +passion to go off, My dear friend, stay, said Socrates, did not a hen do +the same thing at your house the other day, and did I show any +resentment?--_Plat. de ira cohibenda._ + +I could give many more instances of her termagancy, and his philosophy, +if such a proceeding might not look as if I were glad of an opportunity +to expose the fair sex; but, to show that I have no such design, I +declare solemnly, that I had much worse stories to tell of her behaviour +to her husband, which I rather passed over, on account of the great +esteem which I bear the ladies, especially those in the honourable +station of matrimony.] + +[Footnote 8: Ramble.] + +[Footnote 9: Not vomiting.] + +[Footnote 10: Thrusting out the lip.] + +[Footnote 11: This is to be understood not in the sense of wort, when +brewers put yeast or harm in it; but its true meaning is, deceived or +cheated.] + +[Footnote 12: Hit your fancy.] + +[Footnote 13: Sullen fits. We have a merry jig, called Dumpty-Deary, +invented to rouse ladies from the dumps.] + +[Footnote 14: Reflection of the sun.] + +[Footnote 15: Motherly woman.] +[Footnote 16: Not grace before and after meat, nor their graces the +duchesses, but the Graces which attended on Venus.] + +[Footnote 17: Not Flanders-lace, but gold and silver lace. By borrowed, I +mean such as run into honest tradesmen's debts, for which they were not +able to pay, as many of them did for French silver lace, against the last +birth-day.--Vid. the shopkeepers' books.] + +[Footnote 18: Girls who love to hear themselves prate, and put on a +number of monkey-airs to catch men.] + +[Footnote 19: I hope none will be so uncomplaisant to the ladies as to +think these comparisons are odious.] + +[Footnote 20: Tell the whole world; not to proclaim them as robbers and +rapparees.] + + + + +AN ANSWER TO A SCANDALOUS POEM + +Wherein the Author most audaciously presumes to cast an indignity upon +their highnesses the Clouds, by comparing them to a woman. +Written by DERMOT O'NEPHELY, Chief Cape of Howth.[1] + +BY DR. SWIFT + +ADVERTISEMENT FROM THE CLOUDS + +N.B. The following answer to that scurrilous libel against us, should +have been published long ago in our own justification: But it was +advised, that, considering the high importance of the subject, it should +be deferred until the meeting of the General Assembly of the Nation. + +[Two passages within crotchets are added to this poem, from a copy +found amongst Swift's papers. It is indorsed, "Quaere, should it go." +And a little lower, "More, but of no use."] + + +Presumptuous bard! how could you dare +A woman with a cloud compare? +Strange pride and insolence you show +Inferior mortals there below. +And is our thunder in your ears +So frequent or so loud as theirs? +Alas! our thunder soon goes out; +And only makes you more devout. +Then is not female clatter worse, +That drives you not to pray, but curse? + We hardly thunder thrice a-year; +The bolt discharged, the sky grows clear; +But every sublunary dowdy, +The more she scolds, the more she's cloudy. +[How useful were a woman's thunder, +If she, like us, would burst asunder! +Yet, though her stays hath often cursed her, +And, whisp'ring, wish'd the devil burst her: +For hourly thund'ring in his face, +She ne'er was known to burst a lace.] + Some critic may object, perhaps, +That clouds are blamed for giving claps; +But what, alas! are claps ethereal, +Compared for mischief to venereal? +Can clouds give buboes, ulcers, blotches, +Or from your noses dig out notches? +We leave the body sweet and sound; +We kill, 'tis true, but never wound. + You know a cloudy sky bespeaks +Fair weather when the morning breaks; +But women in a cloudy plight, +Foretell a storm to last till night. + A cloud in proper season pours +His blessings down in fruitful showers; +But woman was by fate design'd +To pour down curses on mankind. + When Sirius[2] o'er the welkin rages, +Our kindly help his fire assuages; +But woman is a cursed inflamer, +No parish ducking-stool can tame her: +To kindle strife, dame Nature taught her; +Like fireworks, she can burn in water. + For fickleness how durst you blame us, +Who for our constancy are famous? +You'll see a cloud in gentle weather +Keep the same face an hour together; +While women, if it could be reckon'd, +Change every feature every second. + Observe our figure in a morning, +Of foul or fair we give you warning; +But can you guess from women's air +One minute, whether foul or fair? + Go read in ancient books enroll'd +What honours we possess'd of old. + To disappoint Ixion's[3] rape +Jove dress'd a cloud in Juno's shape; +Which when he had enjoy'd, he swore, +No goddess could have pleased him more; +No difference could he find between +His cloud and Jove's imperial queen; +His cloud produced a race of Centaurs, +Famed for a thousand bold adventures; +From us descended _ab origine_, +By learned authors, called _nubigenae_; +But say, what earthly nymph do you know, +So beautiful to pass for Juno? + Before AEneas durst aspire +To court her majesty of Tyre, +His mother begg'd of us to dress him, +That Dido might the more caress him: +A coat we gave him, dyed in grain, +A flaxen wig, and clouded cane, +(The wig was powder'd round with sleet, +Which fell in clouds beneath his feet) +With which he made a tearing show; +And Dido quickly smoked the beau. + Among your females make inquiries, +What nymph on earth so fair as Iris? +With heavenly beauty so endow'd? +And yet her father is a cloud. +We dress'd her in a gold brocade, +Befitting Juno's favourite maid. + 'Tis known that Socrates the wise +Adored us clouds as deities: +To us he made his daily prayers, +As Aristophanes declares; +From Jupiter took all dominion, +And died defending his opinion. +By his authority 'tis plain +You worship other gods in vain; +And from your own experience know +We govern all things there below. +You follow where we please to guide; +O'er all your passions we preside, +Can raise them up, or sink them down, +As we think fit to smile or frown: +And, just as we dispose your brain, +Are witty, dull, rejoice, complain. + Compare us then to female race! +We, to whom all the gods give place! +Who better challenge your allegiance +Because we dwell in higher regions. +You find the gods in Homer dwell +In seas and streams, or low as Hell: +Ev'n Jove, and Mercury his pimp, +No higher climb than mount Olymp. +Who makes you think the clouds he pierces? +He pierce the clouds! he kiss their a--es; +While we, o'er Teneriffa placed, +Are loftier by a mile at least: +And, when Apollo struts on Pindus, +We see him from our kitchen windows; +Or, to Parnassus looking down, +Can piss upon his laurel crown. + Fate never form'd the gods to fly; +In vehicles they mount the sky: +When Jove would some fair nymph inveigle, +He comes full gallop on his eagle; +Though Venus be as light as air, +She must have doves to draw her chair; +Apollo stirs not out of door, +Without his lacquer'd coach and four; +And jealous Juno, ever snarling, +Is drawn by peacocks in her berlin: +But we can fly where'er we please, +O'er cities, rivers, hills, and seas: +From east to west the world we roam, +And in all climates are at home; +With care provide you as we go +With sunshine, rain, and hail, or snow. +You, when it rains, like fools, believe +Jove pisses on you through a sieve: +An idle tale, 'tis no such matter; +We only dip a sponge in water, +Then squeeze it close between our thumbs, +And shake it well, and down it comes; +As you shall to your sorrow know; +We'll watch your steps where'er you go; +And, since we find you walk a-foot, +We'll soundly souse your frieze surtout. + 'Tis but by our peculiar grace, +That Phoebus ever shows his face; +For, when we please, we open wide +Our curtains blue from side to side; +And then how saucily he shows +His brazen face and fiery nose; +And gives himself a haughty air, +As if he made the weather fair! +'Tis sung, wherever Celia treads, +The violets ope their purple heads; +The roses blow, the cowslip springs; +'Tis sung; but we know better things. +'Tis true, a woman on her mettle +Will often piss upon a nettle; +But though we own she makes it wetter, +The nettle never thrives the better; +While we, by soft prolific showers, +Can every spring produce you flowers. + Your poets, Chloe's beauty height'ning, +Compare her radiant eyes to lightning; +And yet I hope 'twill be allow'd, +That lightning comes but from a cloud. + But gods like us have too much sense +At poets' flights to take offence; +Nor can hyperboles demean us; +Each drab has been compared to Venus. +We own your verses are melodious; +But such comparisons are odious. +[Observe the case--I state it thus: +Though you compare your trull to us, +But think how damnably you err +When you compare us clouds to her; +From whence you draw such bold conclusions; +But poets love profuse allusions. +And, if you now so little spare us, +Who knows how soon you may compare us +To Chartres, Walpole, or a king, +If once we let you have your swing. +Such wicked insolence appears +Offensive to all pious ears. +To flatter women by a metaphor! +What profit could you hope to get of her? +And, for her sake, turn base detractor +Against your greatest benefactor. + But we shall keep revenge in store +If ever you provoke us more: +For, since we know you walk a-foot, +We'll soundly drench your frieze surtout; +Or may we never thunder throw, +Nor souse to death a birth-day beau. + We own your verses are melodious; +But such comparisons are odious.] + + +[Footnote 1: The highest point of Howth is called the Cape of Howth.-- +_F._] + +[Footnote 2: The Dogstar.--Hyginus, "Astronomica."] + +[Footnote 3: Who murdered his father-in-law, and was taken into heaven +and purified by Jove, but when, after he had begot the Centaurs from the +cloud, he boasted of his imaginary success with Juno, Jupiter hurled +him into Tartarus, where he was bound to a perpetually revolving wheel. +"Volvitur Ixion: et se sequiturque fugitque." Ovid, "Metam.," iv, 460. +Tibullus tells the tale in one distich, lib. I, iii: + "Illic Junonem tentare Ixionis ausi + Versantur celeri noxia membra rota."--_W. E. B._] + + + + +PEG RADCLIFFE THE HOSTESS'S INVITATION + +To the Reverend Dr. Swift, D.S.P.D. written with a design to be spoken by +her on his arrival at Glassnevin, Dr. Delany having complimented him with +a house there. From the London and Dublin Magazine for June, 1735. The +lines are probably by Delany or Sheridan. + +Though the name of this place may make you to frown, +Your Deanship is welcome to _Glassnevin_ town; +[1]A glass and no wine, to a man of your taste, +Alas! is enough, sir, to break it in haste; +Be that as it will, your presence can't fail +To yield great delight in drinking our ale; +Would you but vouchsafe a mug to partake, +And as we can brew, believe we can bake. +The life and the pleasure we now from you hope, +The famed Violante can't show on the rope; +Your genius and talents outdo even Pope. +Then while, sir, you live at Glassnevin, and find +The benefit wish'd you, by friends who are kind; +One night in the week, sir, your favour bestow, +To drink with Delany and others your know: +They constantly meet at Peg Radcliffe's together, +Talk over the news of the town and the weather; +Reflect on mishaps in church and in state, +Digest many things as well as good meat; +And club each alike that no one may treat. +This if you will grant without coach or chair, +You may, in a trice, cross the way and be there; +For Peg is your neighbour, as well as Delany, +A housewifely woman full pleasing to any. + +[Footnote 1: A pun on _Glassnevin_--_Glass--ne, no, and_ vin, +_wine._--_Scott._] + + + + +VERSES BY SHERIDAN + + +When to my house you come, dear Dean, +Your humble friend to entertain, +Through dirt and mire along the street, +You find no scraper for your feet; +At which you stamp and storm and swell, +Which serves to clean your feet as well. +By steps ascending to the hall, +All torn to rags by boys and ball, +With scatter'd fragments on the floor; +A sad, uneasy parlour door, +Besmear'd with chalk, and carved with knives, +(A plague upon all careless wives,) +Are the next sights you must expect, +But do not think they are my neglect. +Ah that these evils were the worst! +The parlour still is farther curst. +To enter there if you advance, +If in you get, it is by chance. +How oft by turns have you and I +Said thus--"Let me--no--let me try-- +This turn will open it, I'll engage"-- +You push me from it in a rage. +Turning, twisting, forcing, fumbling, +Stamping, staring, fuming, grumbling, +At length it opens--in we go-- +How glad are we to find it so! +Conquests through pains and dangers please, +Much more than those attain'd with ease. +Are you disposed to take a seat; +The instant that it feels your weight, +Out goes its legs, and down you come +Upon your reverend deanship's bum. +Betwixt two stools, 'tis often said, +The sitter on the ground is laid; +What praise then to my chairs is due, +Where one performs the feat of two! +Now to the fire, if such there be, +At present nought but smoke we see. +"Come, stir it up!"--"Ho, Mr. Joker, +How can I stir it without a poker?" +"The bellows take, their batter'd nose +Will serve for poker, I suppose." +Now you begin to rake--alack +The grate has tumbled from its back-- +The coals all on the hearth are laid-- +"Stay, sir--I'll run and call the maid; +She'll make the fire again complete-- +She knows the humour of the grate." +"Pox take your maid and you together-- +This is cold comfort in cold weather." +Now all is right again--the blaze +Suddenly raised as soon decays. +Once more apply the bellows--"So-- +These bellows were not made to blow-- +Their leathern lungs are in decay, +They can't even puff the smoke away." +"And is your reverence vext at that, +Get up, in God's name, take your hat; +Hang them, say I, that have no shift; +Come blow the fire, good Doctor Swift. +If trifles such as these can tease you, +Plague take those fools that strive to please you. +Therefore no longer be a quarrel'r +Either with me, sir, or my parlour. +If you can relish ought of mine, +A bit of meat, a glass of wine, +You're welcome to it, and you shall fare +As well as dining with the mayor." +"You saucy scab--you tell me so! +Why, booby-face, I'd have you know +I'd rather see your things in order, +Than dine in state with the recorder. +For water I must keep a clutter, +Or chide your wife for stinking butter; +Or getting such a deal of meat +As if you'd half the town to eat. +That wife of yours, the devil's in her, +I've told her of this way of dinner +Five hundred times, but all in vain-- +Here comes a rump of beef again: +O that that wife of yours would burst-- +Get out, and serve the boarders first. +Pox take 'em all for me--I fret +So much, I shall not eat my meat-- +You know I'd rather have a slice." +"I know, dear sir, you are not nice; +You'll have your dinner in a minute, +Here comes the plate and slices in it-- +Therefore no more, but take your place-- +Do you fall to, and I'll say grace." + + + + +VERSES ADDRESSED TO SWIFT AND TO HIS MEMORY + +TO DR. SWIFT ON HIS BIRTH-DAY[1] + +While I the godlike men of old, +In admiration wrapt, behold; +Revered antiquity explore, +And turn the long-lived volumes o'er; +Where Cato, Plutarch, Flaccus, shine +In every excellence divine; +I grieve that our degenerate days +Produce no mighty soul like these: +Patriot, philosopher, and bard, +Are names unknown, and seldom heard. + "Spare your reflection," Phoebus cries; +"'Tis as ungrateful as unwise: +Can you complain, this sacred day, +That virtues or that arts decay? +Behold, in Swift revived appears: +The virtues of unnumber'd years; +Behold in him, with new delight, +The patriot, bard, and sage unite; +And know, Ierne in that name +Shall rival Greece and Rome in fame." + +[Footnote 1: Written by Mrs. Pilkington, at the time when she wished to +be introduced to the Dean. The verses being presented to him by Dr. +Delany, he kindly accepted the compliment.--_Scott._] + + + +ON DR. SWIFT +1733 + +No pedant Bentley proud, uncouth, +Nor sweetening dedicator smooth, +In one attempt has ever dared +To sap, or storm, this mighty bard, +Nor Envy does, nor ignorance, +Make on his works the least advance. +For _this_, behold! still flies afar +Where'er his genius does appear; +Nor has _that_ aught to do above, +So meddles not with Swift and Jove. +A faithful, universal fame +In glory spreads abroad his name; +Pronounces Swift, with loudest breath, +Immortal grown before his death. + + + +TO THE REV. DR. SWIFT, DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S +A BIRTH-DAY POEM. NOV. 30, 1736 + + +To you, my true and faithful friend, +These tributary lines I send, +Which every year, thou best of deans, +I'll pay as long as life remains; +But did you know one half the pain +What work, what racking of the brain, +It costs me for a single clause, +How long I'm forced to think and pause; +How long I dwell upon a proem, +To introduce your birth-day poem, +How many blotted lines; I know it, +You'd have compassion for the poet. + Now, to describe the way I think, +I take in hand my pen and ink; +I rub my forehead, scratch my head, +Revolving all the rhymes I read. +Each complimental thought sublime, +Reduced by favourite Pope to rhyme, +And those by you to Oxford writ, +With true simplicity and wit. +Yet after all I cannot find +One panegyric to my mind. +Now I begin to fret and blot, +Something I schemed, but quite forgot; +My fancy turns a thousand ways, +Through all the several forms of praise, +What eulogy may best become +The greatest dean in Christendom. +At last I've hit upon a thought---- +Sure this will do---- 'tis good for nought---- +This line I peevishly erase, +And choose another in its place; +Again I try, again commence, +But cannot well express the sense; +The line's too short to hold my meaning: +I'm cramp'd, and cannot bring the Dean in. +O for a rhyme to glorious birth! +I've hit upon't----The rhyme is earth---- +But how to bring it in, or fit it, +I know not, so I'm forced to quit it. + Again I try--I'll sing the man-- +Ay do, says Phoebus, if you can; +I wish with all my heart you would not; +Were Horace now alive he could not: +And will you venture to pursue, +What none alive or dead could do? +Pray see, did ever Pope or Gay +Presume to write on his birth-day; +Though both were fav'rite bards of mine, +The task they wisely both decline. + With grief I felt his admonition, +And much lamented my condition: +Because I could not be content +Without some grateful compliment, +If not the poet, sure the friend +Must something on your birth-day send. + I scratch'd, and rubb'd my head once more: +"Let every patriot him adore." +Alack-a-day, there's nothing in't-- +Such stuff will never do in print. + Pray, reader, ponder well the sequel; +I hope this epigram will take well. + In others, life is deem'd a vapour, +In Swift it is a lasting taper, +Whose blaze continually refines, +The more it burns the more it shines. + I read this epigram again, +'Tis much too flat to fit the Dean. + Then down I lay some scheme to dream on +Assisted by some friendly demon. +I slept, and dream'd that I should meet +A birth-day poem in the street; +So, after all my care and rout, +You see, dear Dean, my dream is out. + + + + +EPIGRAMS +OCCASIONED BY DR. SWIFT'S INTENDED HOSPITAL +FOR IDIOTS AND LUNATICS + + +I + +The Dean must die--our idiots to maintain! +Perish, ye idiots! and long live the Dean! + + +II + +O Genius of Hibernia's state, +Sublimely good, severely great, +How doth this latest act excel +All you have done or wrote so well! +Satire may be the child of spite, +And fame might bid the Drapier write: +But to relieve, and to endow, +Creatures that know not whence or how +Argues a soul both good and wise, +Resembling Him who rules the skies, +He to the thoughtful mind displays +Immortal skill ten thousand ways; +And, to complete his glorious task, +Gives what we have not sense to ask! + +III + +Lo! Swift to idiots bequeaths his store: +Be wise, ye rich!--consider thus the poor! + +IV + +Great wits to madness nearly are allied, +This makes the Dean for kindred _thus_ provide. + + + + +ON THE DEAN OF ST. PATRICK'S BIRTH-DAY +BEING NOV. 30, ST. ANDREW'S DAY + + +Between the hours of twelve and one, +When half the world to rest were gone, +Entranced in softest sleep I lay, +Forgetful of an anxious day; +From every care and labour free, +My soul as calm as it could be. + The queen of dreams, well pleased to find +An undisturb'd and vacant mind, +With magic pencil traced my brain, +And there she drew St. Patrick's Dean: +I straight beheld on either hand +Two saints, like guardian angels, stand, +And either claim'd him for their son, +And thus the high dispute begun: + St. Andrew, first, with reason strong, +Maintain'd to him he did belong. +"Swift is my own, by right divine, +All born upon this day are mine." + St. Patrick said, "I own this true +So far he does belong to you: +But in my church he's born again, +My son adopted, and my Dean. +When first the Christian truth I spread, +The poor within this isle I fed, +And darkest errors banish'd hence, +Made knowledge in their place commence: +Nay more, at my divine command, +All noxious creatures fled the land. +I made both peace and plenty smile, +Hibernia was my favourite isle; +Now his--for he succeeds to me, +Two angels cannot more agree. + His joy is, to relieve the poor; +Behold them weekly at his door! +His knowledge too, in brightest rays, +He like the sun to all conveys, +Shows wisdom in a single page, +And in one hour instructs an age +When ruin lately stood around +Th'enclosures of my sacred ground, +He gloriously did interpose, +And saved it from invading foes; +For this I claim immortal Swift +As my own son, and Heaven's best gift. + The Caledonian saint, enraged, +Now closer in dispute engaged. +Essays to prove, by transmigration, +The Dean is of the Scottish nation; +And, to confirm the truth, he chose +The loyal soul of great Montrose; +"Montrose and he are both the same, +They only differ in the name: +Both heroes in a righteous cause, +Assert their liberties and laws; +He's now the same Montrose was then, +But that the sword is turn'd a pen, +A pen of so great power, each word +Defends beyond the hero's sword." + Now words grew high--we can't suppose +Immortals ever come to blows, +But lest unruly passion should +Degrade them into flesh and blood, +An angel quick from Heaven descends, +And he at once the contest ends: + "Ye reverend pair, from discord cease, +Ye both mistake the present case; +One kingdom cannot have pretence +To so much virtue! so much sense! +Search Heaven's record; and there you'll find +That he was born for all mankind." + + + + +AN EPISTLE TO ROBERT NUGENT, ESQ.[1] + +WITH A PICTURE OF DR. SWIFT. BY WILLIAM DUNKIN, D.D. + +To gratify thy long desire, +(So love and piety require,) +From Bindon's colours you may trace +The patriot's venerable face. +The last, O Nugent! which his art +Shall ever to the world impart; +For know, the prime of mortal men, +That matchless monarch of the pen, +(Whose labours, like the genial sun, +Shall through revolving ages run, +Yet never, like the sun, decline, +But in their full meridian shine,) +That ever honour'd, envied sage, +So long the wonder of the age, +Who charm'd us with his golden strain, +Is not the shadow of the Dean: +He only breathes Boeotian air-- +"O! what a falling off was there!" + Hibernia's Helicon is dry, +Invention, Wit, and Humour die; +And what remains against the storm +Of Malice but an empty form? +The nodding ruins of a pile, +That stood the bulwark of this isle? +In which the sisterhood was fix'd +Of candid Honour, Truth unmix'd, +Imperial Reason, Thought profound, +And Charity, diffusing round +In cheerful rivulets to flow +Of Fortune to the sons of woe? + Such one, my Nugent, was thy Swift, +Endued with each exalted gift, +But lo! the pure ethereal flame +Is darken'd by a misty steam: +The balm exhausted breathes no smell, +The rose is wither'd ere it fell. +That godlike supplement of law, +Which held the wicked world in awe +And could the tide of faction stem, +Is but a shell without the gem. + Ye sons of genius, who would aim +To build an everlasting fame, +And in the field of letter'd arts, +Display the trophies of your parts, +To yonder mansion turn aside, +And mortify your growing pride. +Behold the brightest of the race, +And Nature's honour, in disgrace: +With humble resignation own, +That all your talents are a loan; +By Providence advanced for use, +Which you should study to produce +Reflect, the mental stock, alas! +However current now it pass, +May haply be recall'd from you +Before the grave demands his due, +Then, while your morning star proceeds, +Direct your course to worthy deeds, +In fuller day discharge your debts; +For, when your sun of reason sets, +The night succeeds; and all your schemes +Of glory vanish with your dreams. + Ah! where is now the supple train, +That danced attendance on the Dean? +Say, where are those facetious folks, +Who shook with laughter at his jokes, +And with attentive rapture hung, +On wisdom, dropping from his tongue; +Who look'd with high disdainful pride +On all the busy world beside, +And rated his productions more +Than treasures of Peruvian ore? + Good Christians! they with bended knees +Ingulf'd the wine, but loathe the lees, +Averting, (so the text commands,) +With ardent eyes and upcast hands, +The cup of sorrow from their lips, +And fly, like rats, from sinking ships. +While some, who by his friendship rose +To wealth, in concert with his foes +Run counter to their former track, +Like old Actaeon's horrid pack +Of yelling mongrels, in requitals +To riot on their master's vitals; +And, where they cannot blast his laurels, +Attempt to stigmatize his morals; +Through Scandal's magnifying glass +His foibles view, but virtues pass, +And on the ruins of his fame +Erect an ignominious name. +So vermin foul, of vile extraction, +The spawn of dirt and putrefaction, +The sounder members traverse o'er, +But fix and fatten on a sore. +Hence! peace, ye wretches, who revile +His wit, his humour, and his style; +Since all the monsters which he drew +Were only meant to copy you; +And, if the colours be not fainter, +Arraign yourselves, and not the painter. + But, O! that He, who gave him breath, +Dread arbiter of life and death: +That He, the moving soul of all, +The sleeping spirit would recall, +And crown him with triumphant meeds, +For all his past heroic deeds, +In mansions of unbroken rest, +The bright republic of the bless'd! +Irradiate his benighted mind +With living light of light refined; +And there the blank of thought employ +With objects of immortal joy! + Yet, while he drags the sad remains +Of life, slow-creeping through his veins, +Above the views of private ends, +The tributary Muse attends, +To prop his feeble steps, or shed +The pious tear around his bed. + So pilgrims, with devout complaints, +Frequent the graves of martyr'd saints, +Inscribe their worth in artless lines, +And, in their stead, embrace their shrines. + +[Footnote 1: Created Baron Nugent and Viscount Clare, Dec. 20, +1766.--_Scott._] + + + + +ON THE DRAPIER. BY DR. DUNKIN.[1] + +Undone by fools at home, abroad by knaves, +The isle of saints became the land of slaves, +Trembling beneath her proud oppressor's hand; +But, when thy reason thunder'd through the land, +Then all the public spirit breathed in thee, +And all, except the sons of guilt, were free. +Blest isle, blest patriot, ever glorious strife! +You gave her freedom, as she gave you life! +Thus Cato fought, whom Brutus copied well, +And with those rights for which you stand, he fell. + +[Footnote 1: See the translation of Carberiae Rupes in vol. i, p. 143. In +the select Poetical Works of Dr. Dunkin, published at Dublin in 1770, are +four well-chosen compliments to the Dean on his birth-day, and a very +humorous poetical advertisement for a copy of Virgil Travestie, which, at +the Dean's request, Dr. Dunkin had much corrected, and afterwards lost. +After offering a small reward to whoever will restore it, he adds, + +"Or if, when this book shall be offer'd to sale, +Any printer will stop it, the bard will not fail +To make over the issues and profits accruing +From thence to the printer, for his care in so doing; +Provided he first to the poet will send it, +That where it is wrong, he may alter and mend it."--_N._] + + + + +EPITAPH PROPOSED FOR DR. SWIFT. 1745 + + HIC JACET + DEMOCRITVS ILLE NEOTERICVS, RABELAESIVS NOSTER, +IONATHAN SWIFT, S.T.P. HVIVS CATHEDRALIS NVPER DECANVS; + MOMI, MVSARVM, MINERVAE, ALVMNVS PERQVAM DILECTVS; + INSVLSIS, HYPOCRITIS, THEOMACHIS, IVXTA EXOSVS; + QVOS TRIBVTIM SVMMO CVM LEPORE + DERISIT, DENVDAVIT, DEBELLAVIT. + PATRIAE INFELICIS PATRONVS IMPIGER, ET PROPVGNATOR + PRIMORES ARRIPVIT, POPVLVMQVE INTERRITVS, + VNI SCILICET AEQVVS VIRTVTI. + HANC FAVILLAM + SI QVIS ADES, NEC PENITVS EXCORS VIDETVR, + DEBITA SPARGES LACRYMA. + + + + +EPIGRAM ON TWO GREAT MEN. 1754 + +Two geniuses one age and nation grace! +Pride of our isles, and boast of human race! +Great sage! great bard! supreme in knowledge born! +The world to mend, enlighten, and adorn. +Truth on Cimmerian darkness pours the day! +Wit drives in smiles the gloom of minds away! +Ye kindred suns on high, ye glorious spheres, +Whom have ye seen, in twice three thousand years, +Whom have ye seen, like these, of mortal birth; +Though Archimede and Horace blest the earth? +Barbarians, from th' Equator to the Poles, +Hark! reason calls! wisdom awakes your souls! +Ye regions, ignorant of Walpole's name; +Ye climes, where kings shall ne'er extend their fame; +Where men, miscall'd, God's image have defaced, +Their form belied, and human shape disgraced! +Ye two-legg'd wolves! slaves! superstition's sons! +Lords! soldiers! holy Vandals! modern Huns! +Boors, mufties, monks; in Russia, Turkey, Spain! +Who does not know SIR ISAAC, and THE DEAN? + + + + +TO THE MEMORY OF DOCTOR SWIFT + +When wasteful death has closed the Poet's eyes, +And low in earth his mortal essence lies; +When the bright flame, that once his breast inspired, +Has to its first, its noblest seat retired; +All worthy minds, whom love of merit sways, +Should shade from slander his respected bays; +And bid that fame, his useful labours won, +Pure and untainted through all ages run. + Envy's a fiend all excellence pursues, +But mostly poets favour'd by the Muse; +Who wins the laurel, sacred verse bestows, +Makes all, who fail in like attempts, his foes; +No puny wit of malice can complain, +The thorn is theirs, who most applauses gain. + Whatever gifts or graces Heaven design'd +To raise man's genius, or enrich his mind, +Were Swift's to boast--alike his merits claim +The statesman's knowledge, and the poet's flame; +The patriot's honour, zealous to defend +His country's rights--and _faithful to the end_; +The sound divine, whose charities display'd +He more by virtue than by forms was sway'd; +Temperate at board, and frugal of his store, +Which he but spared, to make his bounties more: +The generous friend, whose heart alike caress'd, +The friend triumphant, or the friend distress'd; +Who could, unpain'd, another's merit spy, +Nor view a rival's fame with jaundiced eye; +Humane to all, his love was unconfined, +And in its scope embraced all human kind; +Sharp, not malicious, was his charming wit, +And less to anger than reform he writ; +Whatever rancour his productions show'd, +From scorn of vice and folly only flow'd; +He thought that fools were an invidious race, +And held no measures with the vain or base. + Virtue so clear! who labours to destroy, +Shall find the charge can but himself annoy: +The slanderous theft to his own breast recoils, +Who seeks renown from injured merit's spoils; +All hearts unite, and Heaven with man conspires +To guard those virtues she herself admires. + O sacred bard!--once ours!--but now no more, +Whose loss, for ever, Ireland must deplore, +No earthly laurels needs thy happy brow, +Above the poet's are thy honours now: +Above the patriot's, (though a greater name +No temporal monarch for his crown can claim.) +From noble breasts if envy might ensue, +Thy death is all the brave can envy you. +You died, when merit (to its fate resign'd) +Saw scarce one friend to genius left behind, +When shining parts did jealous hatred breed, +And 'twas a crime in science to succeed, +When ignorance spread her hateful mist around, +And dunces only an acceptance found. +What could such scenes in noble minds beget, +But life with pain, and talents with regret? +Add that thy spirit from the world retired, +Ere hidden foes its further grief conspired; +No treacherous friend did stories yet contrive, +To blast the Muse he flatter'd when alive,[1] +Or sordid printer (by his influence led) +Abused the fame that first bestow'd him bread. +Slanders so mean, had he whose nicer ear +Abhorr'd all scandal, but survived to hear, +The fraudful tale had stronger scorn supplied, +And he (at length) with more disdain had died, + But since detraction is the portion here +Of all who virtuous durst, or great, appear, +And the free soul no true existence gains, +While earthly particles its flight restrains, +The greatest favour grimful Death can show, +Is with swift dart to expedite the blow. +So thought the Dean, who, anxious for his fate, +Sigh'd for release, and deem'd the blessing late. +And sure if virtuous souls (life's travail past) +Enjoy (as churchmen teach) repose at last, +There's cause to think, a mind so firmly good, +Who vice so long, and lawless power, withstood, +Has reach'd the limits of that peaceful shore, +Where knaves molest, and tyrants awe, no more; +These blissful seats the pious but attain, +Where incorrupt, immortal spirits reign. +There his own Parnell strikes the living lyre. +And Pope, harmonius, joins the tuneful choir; +His Stella too, (no more to forms confined, +For heavenly beings all are of a kind,) +Unites with his the treasures of her mind, +With warmer friendships bids their bosoms glow, +Nor dreads the rage of vulgar tongues below. +Such pleasing hope the tranquil breast enjoys, +Whose inward peace no conscious crime annoys; +While guilty minds irresolute appear, +And doubt a state their vices needs must fear. + +R----T B----N. + +Dublin, Nov. 4, 1755. + + +[Footnote 1: Compare the Earl of Orrery's "Verses to Swift on his +birthday" (vol. i, 228) with his "Remarks on the Life and writings of +Swift." And see _post_, p. 406. The next line refers to +Faulkner.--_W. E. B._] + + + +A SCHOOLBOY'S THEME + +The following lines were enclosed in a letter from Mr. Pulteney, +(afterwards Earl of Bath,) to Swift, in which he says--"You must give me +leave to add to my letter a copy of verses at the end of a declamation +made by a boy at Westminster school on this theme,--_Ridentem dicere +verum quid vetat?_" + + +Dulce, Decane, decus, flos optime gentis Hibernae + Nomine quique audis, ingenioque celer: +Dum lepido indulges risu, et mutaris in horas, + Quo nova vis animi, materiesque rapit? +Nunc gravis astrologus, coelo dominaris et astris, + Filaque pro libitu Partrigiana secas. +Nunc populo speciosa hospes miracula promis, + Gentesque aequoreas, aeriasque creas. +Seu plausum captat queruli persona Draperi, + Seu levis a vacuo tabula sumpta cado. +Mores egregius mira exprimis arte magister, + Et vitam atque homines pagina quaeque sapit; +Socraticae minor est vis et sapientia chartae, + Nec tantum potuit grande Platonis opus. + + + + +VERSES ON THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS + +BY MR. JAMES STERLING, OF THE COUNTY OF MEATH + + +While the Dean with more wit than man ever wanted, +Or than Heaven to any man else ever granted, +Endeavours to prove, how the ancients in knowledge +Have excell'd our adepts of each modern college; +How by heroes of old our chiefs are surpass'd +In each useful science, true learning, and taste. +While thus he behaves, with more courage than manners, +And fights for the foe, deserting our banners; +While Bentley and Wotton, our champions, he foils, +And wants neither Temple's assistance, nor Boyle's; +In spite of his learning, fine reasons, and style, +--Would you think it?--he favours our cause all the while: +We raise by his conquest our glory the higher, +And from our defeat to a triumph aspire; +Our great brother-modern, the boast of our days, +Unconscious, has gain'd for our party the bays: +St. James's old authors, so famed on each shelf, +Are vanquish'd by what he has written himself. + + + +ON DR. SWIFT'S LEAVING HIS ESTATE TO IDIOTS + +Swift, wondrous genius, bright intelligence, +Pities the orphan's, idiot's want of sense; +And rich in supernumerary pelf, +Adopts posterity unlike himself. +To one great individual wit's confined! +Such eunuchs never propagate their kind. +Thus nature's prodigies bestow the gifts +Of fortune, their descendants are no Swifts. +When did prime statesman, for a sceptre fit +His ministerial successor beget? +No age, no state, no world, can hope to see +Two SWIFTS or WALPOLES in one family. + + + +ON SEVERAL PETTY PIECES + +LATELY PUBLISHED AGAINST DEAN SWIFT, NOW DEAF AND INFIRM + +Thy mortal part, ingenious Swift! must die, +Thy fame shall reach beyond mortality! +How puny whirlings joy at thy decline, +Thou darling offspring of the tuneful nine! +The noble _lion_ thus, as vigour passes, +The fable tells us, is abused by _asses_. + + + +ON FAULKNER'S EDITION OF SWIFT + +Ornamented with an Engraving of the Dean, by Vertue. + +In a little dark room at the back of his shop, +Where poets and scribes have dined on a chop, +Poor Faulkner sate musing alone thus of late, +"Two volumes are done--it is time for the plate; +Yes, time to be sure;--but on whom shall I call +To express the great Swift in a compass so small? +Faith, _Vertue_ shall do it, I'm pleased at the thought, +Be the cost what it will--the copper is bought." +Apollo o'erheard, (who as some people guess, +Had a hand in the work, and corrected the press;) +And pleased, he replied, "Honest George, you are right, +The thought was my own, howsoe'er you came by't. +For though both the wit and the style is my gift, +'Tis VERTUE alone can design us a SWIFT." + + + + +EPIGRAM +ON LORD ORRERY'S REMARKS ON SWIFT'S LIFE AND WRITINGS + + +A sore disease this scribbling itch is! + His Lordship, in his Pliny seen,[1] +Turns Madam Pilkington in breeches, + And now attacks our Patriot Dean. + +What! libel his friend when laid in ground: + Nay, good sir, you may spare your hints, +His parallel at last is found, + For what he writes George Faulkner prints. + +Had Swift provoked to this behaviour, + Yet after death resentment cools, +Sure his last act bespoke his favour, + He built an hospital--for fools. + +[Footnote 1: Lord Orrery translated the letters of the younger +Pliny.--_Scott._] + + + + +TO DOCTOR DELANY + +ON HIS BOOK ENTITLED "OBSERVATIONS ON +LORD ORRERY'S REMARKS" + + +Delany, to escape your friend the Dean, + And prove all false that Orrery had writ, +You kindly own his Gulliver profane, + Yet make his puns and riddles sterling wit. + +But if for wrongs to Swift you would atone, + And please the world, one way you may succeed, +Collect Boyle's writings and your own, + And serve them as you served THE DEED. + + + + +EPIGRAM + +On Faulkner's displaying in his shop the Dean's bust in marble, (now +placed in the great aisle of St. Patrick's church), while he was +publishing Lord Orrery's Remarks. + +Faulkner! for once you have some judgment shown, +By representing Swift transform'd to stone; +For could he thy ingratitude have known, +Astonishment itself the work had done! + + + +AN INSCRIPTION + +Intended for a compartment in Dr. Swift's monument, designed by +Cunningham, on College Green, Dublin. + +Say, to the Drapier's vast unbounded fame, + What added honours can the sculptor give? +None.--'Tis a sanction from the Drapier's name + Must bid the sculptor and his marble live. + +June 4, 1765. + + + +AN EPIGRAM OCCASIONED BY THE ABOVE INSCRIPTION + +Which gave the Drapier birth two realms contend; +And each asserts her poet, patriot, friend: +Her mitre jealous Britain may deny; +That loss Ierne's laurel shall supply; +Through life's low vale, she, grateful, gave him bread; +Her vocal stones shall vindicate him dead. + +W. B. J. N. + +1766. + + + + +INDEX + +ACHESON, SIR ARTHUR, ii, 89; + verses by, to Swift, 92; + verses to, by Swift, 93. +Acheson, Lady, Lamentation by, ii, 95, 115; + twelve articles addressed to, 125. +Addison, i, 322. +Address to the Citizens, ii, 292. +Agistment, ii, 264, 271. +Aislaby, John, ii, 164. +Alcides, Hercules, ii, 71. +Alexander, Earl of Stirling, ii, 89. +Allen, John, ii, 269. +Allen, Lord, Traulus, i, 344; ii, 239, 242, 243. +Ambrec, Mary, i, 71. +Amherst, Caleb d'Anvers, i. 224. +Amphion, i, 245. +Anne, Queen, her "Coronation medal," i, 50; + death of, 261; + mentioned, ii, 144. +Apollo's edict, i, 105. +Arbuthnot, i, 191, 254. +Aretine (Aretino), ii, 323. +Astraea, i, 183. +Athenian Society, i, 16. +Atherton, a bishop of Waterford, account of, i, 191. +Atterbury, Bishop of Rochester, his trial, ii, 196. + +Baldwin, Richard, ii, 263. +Ballyspellin, ii, 368, 371. +Bangor, Bishop of, ii, 299. +Barber, Mrs., her poems, i, 231. +Barracks, i, 263. +Bath referred to, i, 117. +Bath, Order of the, revived, ii, 203. +Battus, i, 272. +Baviad and Maeviad, i, 273. +Bavius and Maevius, i, 273. +Beaumont (Poet Joe), i. 81. +Bec, Mrs. Dingley, ii, 43. +Bec's birthday, ii, 49. +Bedel, Bishop, ii, 285. +Berkeley, Bishop of Cloyne, i, 166, 243. +Berkeley, Lord and Lady, i, 36, 39, 40, 41, 42. +Betterton, actor, i. 129. +Bettesworth, lines on, ii, 252; + account of, 256; + his visit to Swift, 257. +Bingham, ii, 269. +Blackall, Dr., ii, 138. +Blackmore, i, 275. +Blenheim, ii, 287. +Blount, Patty, i, 157. +Blue-Boys Hospital, i, 327. +Blueskins, who stabbed Jon. Wild, i, 225. +Bolingbroke, i, 253; + his disgust at Oxford's and Swift's levity, ii, 170. +Bolton, Archbishop, i, 243. +Bossu, i, 271. +Boulter, Primate, ii, 277. +Boyle, Lord Orrery, ii, 129. +Boyle, Viscount Blessington, ii, 129. +Brass, nickname for Walpole, i, 226; ii, 204, 224. +"Break no squares," i, 51; + note on, ii, 126. +Brent, Mrs., ii, 39. +Briareus, ii, 167, 328. +Bridewell described, i, 201, 265; ii, 29. +Broderick, Lord Middleton, ii, 200. +Brydges, Archdeacon of Rochester, i, 284. +Brydges, Duke of Chandos, i, 283. +Buckley, Samuel, ii, 171. +Burgersdicius, ii, 360. +Burnet, referred to, i, 188. +Bush, Secretary to Lord Berkeley, i, 42. + +Cambyses, ii, 328. +Carey, Walter, ii, 267. +Caroline, Queen, the busts in Richmond Hermitage, i, 227; + and Dr. Clarke, 337. +Carruthers' Pope, i, 283. +Carteret, Lord, i, 258; + character of, 308, 309; + Epistle to, by Delany, 314. +Carteret, Lady, Apology to, i, 304. +Carthy, Charles, his translations of Horace, ii, 278, 283. +Cassandra, ii, 329. +Censure, ii, 17. +Charles XII of Sweden, i, 140. +Chartres, mentioned, i, 191; + described, 252. +Chesterfield, i, 283. +Chesterfield, Lord, letter to Voltaire enclosing Day of Judgment, i, 213. +"Chesterfield, Life of," referred to, ii, 203. +Chetwode MS., referred to, i, 98. +Chevy Chase, cited in Baucis and Philemon, i, 65. +Church, Swift's love for, ii, 164. +Cibber, Colley, i, 129, 255, 266. +Clarendon, referred to, i, 188. +Clarke, Dr., i, 337. + +Classics, Greek and Roman authors cited, imitated, and paraphrased: + Catullus, i, 295. + Cicero, i, 20; ii, 61. + Horace, cited, i, 34, 225, 245, 273, 277, 293, 317, 320; + ii, 40, 61, 124, 136, 170, 185, 291, 337, 345, 361; + imitated, i, 92; ii, 159, 167, 175, 182, 219, 248, 260, 279. + Hyginus, ii, 153, 206, 382. + Juvenal, i, 75; ii, 343. + Lucian, i, 76. + Lucretius, i, 137; ii, 60. + Martial, i, 75; ii, 287, 296. + Ovid, i, 17, 21, 88, 89, 117, 122, 124, 134, 183, 205, 334; + ii, 47, 60, 68, 71, 153, 185, 272, 296, 383. + Petronius, imitation, i, 148 + Pliny, "Hist. Nat.," i, 46, 47, 212. + Plutarch, cited, ii, 71. + Priscian, ii, 344. + Seneca, ii, 194. + Suetonius, ii, 194. + Tacitus, ii, 221. + Tibullus, ii, 383. + Virgil, i, 77, So, 120, 270, 278; ii, 51, 55, 123, 124, + 206, 266, 267, 294, 328, 359. + Vitruvius Pollio, i, 74. + +Clements, ii, 270. +"Clem," Barry, at Gaulstown, i, 140. +Coffee-houses frequented by the clergy, ii, 163. +Coke, Sir E., his precepts, i, 181. +Colberteen lace, i, 67; ii, 11. +Colloguing, ii, 321. +Compter, described, i, 201. +Compton, Sir Spencer, ridiculed in Williams' works, i, 219. +Compton, Sir Spencer, i, 219; ii, 224. _See_ Wilmington. +Concanen, i, 276. +Congreve, Ode to, i, 24, 30, 321, 322. +Corbet, Dean of St. Patrick's, i, 147. +Country Life, description of, at Gaulstown House, i, 137. +Cracherode, i, 305. +"Craftsman, The," i, 224. +Craggs, ii, 167. +Creech, i, 281. +"Crisis, The," ii, 175, 176. +Croke, Sir A., editor of the "Regimen Sanitatis," i, 207. +Cross-bath described, i, 118. +Crosse, ii, 263. +Crowe, William, Parody on his address to Queen Anne, ii, 127. +Cunningham's "Handbook of London" cited, i, 201. +Curll, bookseller, i, 154, 253. + +Daphne, fable of, i, 88. +Daphne, ii, 57. +Deafness of Swift, i, 149, 150. +Deanery House, Verses on a window at the, i, 98. +Delany, Patrick, account of, i, 93; + to Swift when deaf, 149; + and Lord Carteret, Libel on, 320; + Fable by, 338; + Verses by, ii, 37, 38; + mentioned, 298. +Delany's villa described, i, 141. +Delawar, ii, 165. +Delos, i, 17. +Demar, Usurer, Elegy on, i, 96; + Epitaph on, 97. +Democritus, i, 224. +Demoniac, ii, 264. _See_ Legion Club. +Denham, i, 106, 203, 257. +Dennis, i, 271; + his fear of the French, ii, 176. +Deucalion, ii, 68. +Dictionary of National Biography referred to, i, 232, 282. +Disraeli, "Curiosities of Literature," cited, i, 79. +Dolly, Lady Meath, i, 299. +Domitian, ii, 272. +Domvile, ii, 273. +"Don Quixote," cited, ii, 154. +Dorinda, poetical name for Dorothy, i, 32. +Dorothy, Sir W. Temple's wife, i, 32. +Dorset, Duke of, ii, 277, 297. +Dramatis Personae at Gaulstown House, i, 137. +Drapier's Hill, ii, 106. +Drapier's Letters, referred to, i, 251; ii, 200, 201. +Drummond of Hawthornden, ii, 89. +Dryden, Swift's malevolence to, i, 16, 272; + Malone's life of, 16, 43; + his "All for Love," ii, 114. +Duck, Stephen, Epigram on, and account of, i, 192; + mentioned, 255, 269. +Dunkin, Dr., ii, 399. +Dunster, i, 281. +Dunton, John, i, 16. + +Edgar, King, i, 318. +Elrington, English actor, i, 128, 129. +English Mall, i, 70. +Epigram, French, i, 297. +Epilogue to play for distressed weavers, i, 133. +Europa, ii, 47. +Excise on wines and tobacco defeated, i, 237. + +Fagot, Fable of the, ii, 166. +Farnham School, i, 27. +Faulkner, George, imprisoned at the instance of Bettesworth, ii, 261, + 272. +Fielding's "Life of Jon. Wild," i, 225. +Finch, Mrs., Verses to, as Ardelia, i, 52. +Finch, Lord Nottingham, ii, 148, 164. +Fitzpatrick, Brigadier, i, 243. +Flammeum, i, 204. +Flamsteed, i, 113. +Flecknoe, i, 275. +Fleet Ditch, i, 78, 201; + illustration of, referred to, 80. +Floyd, Dame, i, 40, 50. +Forbes, Lady Catherine, i, 107. +Ford, Charles, Verses on, i, 145; ii, 40. +Ford, Matthew, i, 145. +Forster, "Life of Swift," i, 43, 55; + his notes on Baucis and Philemon, 62. +"Freeholder, The," ii, 189. +French, Humphrey, ode from Horace addressed to, ii, 248. + +Gadbury, i, 113. +Garraway's auction room, i, 125. +Gaulstown House, described by Delany, i, 136. +Gay, "Shepherd's week," i, 83; + Epistle to, satirizing Sir R. Walpole, 214; + post of gentleman usher offered to, 215; + referred to, 104, 273, 322. +George I, death of, i, 155; + disputes with his son, 331. +George II, i, 331; ii, 130. +Godolphin, lampoon on, ii, 133; + satirized by Pope, 136. +Gorgon, ii, 270. +Grafton, Lord Lieutenant, ii, 295. +Greek play, account of, at Sheridan's school, ii, 326. +Grierson, Mrs. Constantia, i, 232. +Grimston, i, 275. +Guiscard, his attack on Harley, ii, 148. +Gulliveriana, cited, Scott's note from, corrected, i, 130. +Gulliver's Travels referred to, i, 239. +Gyges, story of, i, 20. +Hakluyt, ii, 60. +Halifax, good, ii, 183. +Hamet, Cid, Ben Eng'li, ii, 133. +Hamilton's Bawn, described, ii, 101. +Harcourt, Lord Chancellor, i, 259; ii, 167. +Harding, the printer, i, 163; ii, 288, 292. +Harley, Lord Oxford, ii, 159. +Harley, Lord, son of Lord Oxford, i, 87. +Harris, Mrs. Frances, her Petition, i, 36, 40. +Helsham, Dr. Richard, ii, 85, 307, 309, 373. +Henley, i, 256. +Herostratus, ii, 275. +Hill, Birkbeck, "Letters of Swift," i, 43. +Hobbes' "Leviathan" referred to, i, 274. +Hogarth, i, 265. +Holles, Henrietta Cavendish, i, 87. +Holyhead, Verses written at, i, 292. +Hoppy, Epilogue to benefit of, i, 130. +Horace. _See_ Classics. +Hort, Satire on, i, 241; + Epigram on, ii, 297. +Houghton, magnificence of, i, 216. +Howard, Mrs., her finances, i, 156; + Countess of Suffolk, 252, 275. +Howth, ii, 381. +Hoyle on Quadrille, i, 254. +"Hudibras," cited, i, 70, 71, 168. +Hume, "History of England," i, 318; ii, 222. +Hutcheson, Hartley, ii, 273, 274. + +"Intelligencer," Paddy's character of, i, 312. +"Intelligencer," cited, ii, 227. +Ireland, verses to, from Horace, ii, 219. +Iris, ii, 329. +Ixion, ii, 382. + +Jackson, Dan, i, 96, 137; ii, 325, 332, 333, 335. +Jamaica, referred to, i, 152; + a place of exile, 201. +Janus, addressed, i, 293; ii, 43. +Jason, i, 294. +Joan of France, i, 70. +Johnson, "Life of Dryden," i, 16; + his "Life of Montague," 321; + his "Vanity of Human Wishes," 49. +Johnson (Mrs.), Stella, i, 82. +Jonson, Ben, "Bartholomew Fair," i, 41. +Journal to Stella, cited, i, 81, 92; ii, 133. + +Kendal, Duchess of, ii, 202. +Ker, Colonel, ii, 274. +King, Dr., Archbishop of Dublin, i, 92, 133; + Songs upon, ii, 289; + Poem to, 291. +King's anecdotes of his own times, ii, 113. +Kingsbury, Dr., ii, 297. +Kite, Serjeant, Epigram to, ii, 255; + Verses to, 256. +Knoggin, ii, 321. +Koenigsmark, i, 331; ii, 150, 151. + +Leigh, Tom, ii, 2.99. +Lewis, Lord Oxford's Secretary, ii, 159, 168. +Limbo, as a pawn shop, i, 168. +Lindsay, i, 182, 187. +Lintot, i, 255, 267. +"Lousiad, The," ii, 70. + +Macartney, General, ii, 174. +Macbeth, cited, i, 199. +Macmorrogh, Dermot, mentioned, ii, 222. +Maevius, ii, 30. +Malahide, famous for oysters, i, 287. +Malone, "Life of Dryden," i, 16. +Mambrino and Almonte, ii, 153. +Manley, Mrs. de la Riviere, ii, 152. +Marble Hill, built by Mrs. Howard, i, 155. +Market Hill, ii, 89, no, 116. +Marlborough, Duke of, ii, 135; + satirized as Midas, 153; + Elegy on death of, 187. +Masham, Mrs., ii, 150. +Mather, Charles, ii, 135. +Matrimonial advice, i, 210. +May Fair, Answer to lines from, i, 54. +Maypole, The, ii, 311. +Meath, Countess of, i, 85, 299. _See_ Stopford. +Medea, ii, 47. +Megaera, i, 224. +Merlin's Cave, i, 192. +Middleton, Lord Chancellor, ii, 294. +Milton, cited, i, 195. +"Mingere cum bombis," i, 207. +Mirmont, Marquis de, i, 157. +"Mob," Swift's dislike to the word, ii, 141. +Montague, i, 321. +Montaigne, cited, ii, 194. +Montezuma or Mutezuma, ii, 112. +Montrose, Marquis of, his epitaph on Charles I, ii, 291, 395. +Moor Park, i, 8, 27. +Moore, Jemmy, i, 253, 254. +Morgan, Marcus Antonius, ii, 270. +Mounthermer, daughter of Duke of Marlborough, i, 147. + +"Naboth's Vineyard," Swift's garden, ii, 132. +Namby Pamby, i, 288; ii, 254. +Narcissus, ii, 364. +Nero, his wish cited, ii, 194. +New style, ii, 151. +Nicknames of Lady Acheson, 94, 95, 106. +Nightingale, the, i, 341. +Northey, Sir Edward, ii, 167. +Notes and Queries, cited, i, 153, 291. +Nottingham, Earl of, ii, 148; + invitation to, from Toland, 156. + +"Orlando Furioso," cited, ii, 154. +Ormond, Duke of, ii, 143. +Ormond Quay, ii, 42. +O'Rourke's Irish Feast, i, 107. +Orrery, Earl of, his account of "Death and Daphne," ii, 54; + his remarks on the "Life of Swift," 402, 406. +Oudenarde, Dutch account of, ii, 130. +Overton, ii, 360. +Ovid. _See_ Classics. +Oxford, Lord Treasurer, as Atlas, ii, 147, 167; + verses sent to him in the Tower, 182. + +Pallas and Arachne, referred to, i, 134. +Pam, Archbishop of Tuam, ii, 297. _See_ Hort. +"Pantheon, The," account of, ii, 97. +Parliament in Ireland, i, 263. +Parthenope, ii, 60. +Partridge, i, 74, 113. +Pearce, architect, i, 338. +Peleus, referred to, i, 205. +Pella, i, 334. +Percy, "Reliques of English poetry," i, 71. +Peterborough, Pope's verses on, i, 48. +Phaethon, story of, ii, 184. +Phalanx, ii, 325. +Phillips, Ambrose, i, 83, 288. +Physicians, College of, ii, 55. +Piddle with, to, sense of, ii, 41. +Pilkington, Sir Thomas, ii, 176. +Pilkingtons, the, i, 232, 247. +Planche, costume, i, 67. +Pluck a rose, i, 203; ii, 121. +Pope, cited or referred to, i, 34, 104, 191, 192, 216, 217, 247, 322. +Prendergast, Sir Thomas, ii, 235, 260, 266. +Priapus, ii, 337. +Prior, his "Journey to France," i, 103. +Prometheus, i, 277. +Pulteney, Earl of Bath, i, 253; ii, 250. +Pythagoras, precept of, i, 206. + +Queensberry, Duke and Duchess of, i, 215, 273. + +Rapparees, i, 185, 263. +Rathfarnam, ii, 364. +Raymond, Dr., Minister of Trim, i, 82. +"Rehearsal, The," i, 28, 43, 44. +Richmond Hermitage, i, 227. 228. +Richmond Lodge, i, 155. +Riding, description of a, i, 153. +Rochfort, George, ii, 298. _See_ Trifles. +Roper, Abel, ii, 173. +Rymer, i, 271. + +St. Patrick's Well, i, 319; ii. 221. +Salerno, School of Medicine, i, 207. +Salmoneus, ii, 206. +Savage, Philip, ii, 119. +Sawbridge, Dean, i, 189. +"Schola Salernitana," i, 207. +Scroggs, i, 261. +Sharpe, Dr. John, Archbishop of York, ii, 163. +Sheridan, "Life of Swift," ii, 169. +Sherlock, i, 165. +Sican, Dr. J., i, 280. +Sican, Mrs., i, 282. +Singleton, ii, 253. +Smedley, Dean, i, 317, 345, 348, 350. +Smollett, ii, 130. +Smythe, i, 276. +Somers, ii, 167, 178. +Somerset, Duchess of, satire on, ii, 150, 165. +Sot's Hole, ii, 365. +"Spectator, The," ii, 287. +State Trials, ii, 196. +Steele, i, 322; ii, 171, 175. +Sterne, Bishop of Clogher, i, 98. +Stopford, Dorothy, i, 85. +Strand, the, ii, 311. +Suckling, Sir John, ii, 129. +Suffolk, Countess of, i, 155. +Swift, his ill-feeling to Dryden, i, 16, 43, 272; + his love for Congreve, 24; + his regard for Temple, 29, 32; + terms his own calling a _trade_, 39; + his quarrel with Lord Berkeley, 42; + his regard for Delany, 93, 304, 314, 339; + his deafness, 149; + "now deaf, 1740," ii, 49; + his hatred of Tighe, i, 186; ii, 227, 235, 239; + Ireland, a place of exile, i, 261; + his schemes for effecting a change to England, ii, 168; + and Serjeant Bettesworth, ii, 252, 254, 256. +Sylla, ii, 71. +Symmachus, i, 316. + +Tar water, Fielding's use of, i, 166. +"Tatler, The," i, 28, 78, 103, 129. +Telling noses, horse dealer's term, i, 216. +Tennison, Bishop of Ossory, ii, 246. +Thatched House Tavern, i, 146. +Tholsel, the, ii, 276. +Throp, Roger, ii, 268. +Tiger, the lap dog, ii, 50, 51. +Tighe, Richard, i, 186; ii, 226; + (Pistorides, Dick Fitzbaker), 235, 236, 237, 238, 268. +Tisdall, ii, 368. +"Toast, The," ii, 297. +Toupees, wigs then in fashion, i, 233. +Trapp, Dr., i, 103. +Trisilian, i, 261. +Troynovant, i, 272. + +Umbo, ii, 325. +Urbs intacta manet, ii, 286, 287. + +Vanbrugh, his indebtedness to Moliere, i, 59; + "architect at Blenheim," 74; ii, 287. +Vanessa, Hester Vanhomrigh, ii, 1, 23, 24, 25. +Van Lewen, Mrs., i, 232. +Vespasian, ii, 273. +Vespuccio, ii, 60. +Virgil. _See_ Classics. +Voiture, poet and letter writer, i, 94, 95, 96. +Vole, the, i, 254. +Voltaire, Charles XII, i, 49. + +Wall, Archdeacon, i. 81. +Waller, John, ii, 268. +Walpole, Horace, his fable of "Funeral of the Lioness," cited, , 227; + his Reminiscences cited, ii, 278. +Walpole, Sir Robert, i, 253, 337. +Walter Peter, character of, i, 217. +Waters, properly Walter, i, 217. +Welsted, i, 272. +Wharton, Earl of, character of, ii, 128, 132, 146, 183. +Wheatley's "London past and present," cited, i, 201. +Wheeler, Sir George, great traveller, i, 167. +Whig faction, i, 259. +Whitshed, Chief Justice, i, 261; ii, 192, 200, 217, 218. +Wild, Jonathan, i, 164. +Wilks, actor, i, 129. +Williams, Sir Chas. Hanbury, cited, i, 217, 219. +Will's coffee-house, i, 28, 267, 272. +Wilmington, Earl of, i, 219; ii, 224. _See_ Compton. +Winchelsea, Countess of, i, 52. +Wollaston, i, 256. +Wood, i, 260; + and his halfpence, ii, 201, 203, 205, 206, 207, 209, 211, 215, 218. +Woolston, account of, i, 188, 256. +Wynne, Owen, ii, 269; John, ii, 269. + +Xanti (Xantippe), ii, 378. + +Young, his satires, i, 264; + his pension, 273. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Poems (Volume II.), by Jonathan Swift + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POEMS (VOLUME II.) *** + +***** This file should be named 13621.txt or 13621.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/6/2/13621/ + +Produced by Clare Boothby, G. 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