diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14678-0.txt | 1447 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14678-8.txt | 1838 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14678-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 36226 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14678.txt | 1838 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14678.zip | bin | 0 -> 36209 bytes |
8 files changed, 5139 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14678-0.txt b/14678-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..724447d --- /dev/null +++ b/14678-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1447 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14678 *** + +THE WAR OF THE WENUSES + +by + +C. L. GRAVES AND E. V. LUCAS + +Reprint of the 1898 ed. published by J. W. Arrowsmith +Bristol, Eng. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF THE INVISIBLE AUTHOR. +(From a Negative by THE SPECTROSCOPIC Co.)] + + + + +THE WAR OF THE WENUSES + +Translated from the Artesian of H. G. Pozzuoli + +Author of _The Treadmill_, _The Isthmus of Dr. Day_, _The Vanishing +Lady_, etc., etc. + +by + +C. L. GRAVES AND E. V. LUCAS + + + + +"Not novels and poetry swipes, but ideas, science, books" +_The Artilleryman_ + + + +[Illustration: Arrowsmith colophon] + + + +TO + +H. G. WELLS + +THIS OUTRAGE +ON A FASCINATING AND CONVINCING +ROMANCE + + + + +CONTENTS + + +BOOK I.--The Coming of the Wenuses. + +Chapter + + I. "JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE, MOTHER" + + II. THE FALLING STAR + +III. THE CRINOLINE EXPANDS + + IV. HOW I REACHED HOME + + + +BOOK II.--London Under the Wenuses. + + I. THE DEATH OF THE EXAMINER + + II. THE MAN AT UXBRIDGE ROAD + +III. THE TEA-TRAY IN WESTBOURNE GROVE + + IV. WRECKAGE + + V. BUBBLES + + + APPENDIX A + + APPENDIX B + + + + +BOOK I. + +The Coming of the Wenuses. + + + + +The Coming of the Wenuses. + + * * * * * + + + + +I. + +"JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE, MOTHER." + + +No one would have believed in the first years of the twentieth century +that men and modistes on this planet were being watched by intelligences +greater than woman's and yet as ambitious as her own. With infinite +complacency maids and matrons went to and fro over London, serene in the +assurance of their empire over man. It is possible that the mysticetus +does the same. Not one of them gave a thought to Wenus as a source of +danger, or thought of it only to dismiss the idea of active rivalry upon +it as impossible or improbable. Yet across the gulf of space astral +women, with eyes that are to the eyes of English women as diamonds are +to boot-buttons, astral women, with hearts vast and warm and +sympathetic, were regarding Butterick's with envy, Peter Robinson's with +jealousy, and Whiteley's with insatiable yearning, and slowly and surely +maturing their plans for a grand inter-stellar campaign. + +The pale pink planet Wenus, as I need hardly inform the sober reader, +revolves round the sun at a mean distance of [character: Venus sigil] +vermillion miles. More than that, as has been proved by the recent +observations of Puits of Paris, its orbit is steadily but surely +advancing sunward. That is to say, it is rapidly becoming too hot for +clothes to be worn at all; and this, to the Wenuses, was so alarming a +prospect that the immediate problem of life became the discovery of new +quarters notable for a gentler climate and more copious fashions. The +last stage of struggle-for-dress, which is to us still remote, had +embellished their charms, heightened their heels and enlarged their +hearts. Moreover, the population of Wenus consisted exclusively of +Invisible Men--and the Wenuses were about tired of it. Let us, however, +not judge them too harshly. Remember what ruthless havoc our own species +has wrought, not only on animals such as the Moa and the Maori, but upon +its own inferior races such as the Wanishing Lady and the Dodo Bensonii. + +The Wenuses seem to have calculated their descent with quite un-feminine +accuracy. Had our instruments permitted it, we might have witnessed +their preparations. Similarly pigs, had they wings, might fly. Men like +Quellen of Dresden watched the pale pink planet--it is odd, by the way, +that for countless centuries Wenus has been the star of Eve--evening by +evening growing alternately paler and pinker than a literary agent, but +failed to interpret the extraordinary phenomena, resembling a series of +powder puffs, which he observed issuing from the cardiac penumbra on the +night of April 1st, 1902. At the same time a great light was remarked by +Idos of Yokohama and Pegadiadis of Athens. + +The storm burst upon us six weeks later, about the time of the summer +sales. As Wenus approached opposition, Dr. Jelli of Guava set the wires +of the astronomical exchange palpitating with the intelligence of a huge +explosion of laughing gas moving risibly towards the earth. He compared +it to a colossal cosmic cachinnation. And, in the light of subsequent +events, the justice of the comparison will commend itself to all but the +most sober readers. + +Had it not been for my chance meeting with Swears, the eminent +astronomer and objurgationist, this book would never have been written. +He asked me down to our basement, which he rents from me as an +observatory, and in spite of all that has happened since I still +remember our wigil very distinctly. (I spell it with a "w" from an +inordinate affection for that letter.) Swears moved about, invisible but +painfully audible to my naked ear. The night was very warm, and I was +very thirsty. As I gazed through the syphon, the little star seemed +alternately to expand and contract, and finally to assume a sort of dual +skirt, but that was simply because my eye was tired. I remember how I +sat under the table with patches of green and crimson swimming before my +eyes. Grotesque and foolish as this may seem to the sober reader, it is +absolutely true. + +Swears watched till one, and then he gave it up. He was full of +speculations about the condition of Wenus. Swears' language was +extremely sultry. + +"The chances against anything lady-like on Wenus," he said, "are a +million to one." + +Even _Pearson's Weekly_ woke up to the disturbance at last, and Mrs. +Lynn Linton contributed an article entitled "What Women Might Do" to the +_Queen_. A paper called _Punch_, if I remember the name aright, made a +pun on the subject, which was partially intelligible with the aid of +italics and the laryngoscope. For my own part, I was too much occupied +in teaching my wife to ride a Bantam, and too busy upon a series of +papers in _Nature_ on the turpitude of the classical professoriate of +the University of London, to give my undivided attention to the +impending disaster. I cannot divide things easily; I am an indivisible +man. But one night I went for a bicycle ride with my wife. She _was_ a +Bantam of delight, I can tell you, but she rode very badly. It was +starlight, and I was attempting to explain the joke in the paper called, +if I recollect aright, _Punch_. It was an extraordinarily sultry night, +and I told her the names of all the stars she saw as she fell off her +machine. She had a good bulk of falls. There were lights in the upper +windows of the houses as the people went to bed. Grotesque and foolish +as this will seem to the sober reader, it is absolutely true. Coming +home, a party of bean-feasters from Wimbledon, Wormwood Scrubs, or +Woking passed us, singing and playing concertinas. It all seemed so safe +and tranquil. But the Wenuses were even then on their milky way. + + + + +II. + +THE FALLING STAR. + + +Then came the night of the first star. It was seen early in the morning +rushing over Winchester; leaving a gentle frou-frou behind it. Trelawny, +of the Wells' Observatory, the greatest authority on Meteoric +Crinolines, watched it anxiously. Winymann, the publisher, who sprang to +fame by the publication of _The War of the Worlds_, saw it from his +office window, and at once telegraphed to me: "Materials for new book in +the air." That was the first hint I received of the wonderful wisit. + +I lived in those days at 181a Campden Hill Gardens. It is the house +opposite the third lamp-post on the right as you walk east. It was of +brick and slate, with a party-wall, and two spikes were wanting to the +iron railings. When the telegram came I was sitting in my study writing +a discussion on the atomic theory of Krelli of Balmoral. I at once +changed the Woking jacket in which I was writing for evening +dress--which wanted, I remember, a button--and hastened to the Park. I +did not tell my wife anything about it. I did not care to have her with +me. In all such adventures I find her more useful as a sentimental +figure in the background--I, of course, allow no sentiment in the +foreground--than an active participant. + +On the way I met Swears, returning from breakfast with our mutual +friend, Professor Heat Ray Lankester--they had had Lee-Metford sardines +and Cairns marmalade, he told me,--and we sought the meteor together. + +Find it we did in Kensington Gardens. An enormous dimple had been made +by the impact of the projectile, which lay almost buried in the earth. +Two or three trees, broken by its fall, sprawled on the turf. Among this +_débris_ was the missile; resembling nothing so much as a huge +crinoline. At the moment we reached the spot P.C. A581 was ordering it +off; and Henry Pearson, aged 28 (no fixed abode), and Martha Griffin, +aged 54, of Maybury Tenements, were circulating among the crowd offering +matches for sale. They have nothing to do with this story, but their +names and addresses make for verisimilitude; or at least, I hope so. In +case they do not, let me add that Mary Griffin wore a blue peignoir +which had seen better days, and Herbert Pearson's matches struck +everywhere except on the box. + +With a mental flash we linked the Crinoline with the powder puffs on +Wenus. Approaching it more nearly, we heard a hissing noise within, such +as is made by an ostler, or Mr. Daimler grooming his motor car. + +"Good heavens!" said Swears, "there's a horse in it. Can't you hear? He +must be half-roasted." + +So saying he rushed off, fraught with pity, to inform the Secretary of +the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals; while I hurried +away to tell Pendriver the journalist, proposing in my own mind, I +recollect, that he should give me half the profits on the article. + +Pendriver the journalist, so called to distinguish him from Hoopdriver +the cyclist, was working in his garden. He does the horticultural column +for one of the large dailies. + +"You've read about the disturbances in Venus?" I cried. + +"What!" said Pendriver. He is as deaf as the _Post_, the paper he writes +for. + +"You've read about Venus?" I asked again. + +"No," he said, "I've never been to Venice." + +"Venus!" I bawled, "Venus!" + +"Yes," said Pendriver, "Venus. What about it?" + +"Why," I said, "there are people from Venus in Kensington Gardens." + +"Venus in Kensington Gardens!" he replied. "No, it's not Venus; it's the +Queen." + +I began to get angry. + +"Not the statue," I shouted. "Wisitors from Wenus. Make copy. Come and +see! Copy! Copy!" + +The word "copy" galvanised him, and he came, spade and all. We quickly +crossed the Park once more. Pendriver lives to the west of it, in +Strathmore Gardens, and has a special permit from his landlord to dig. +We did not, for sufficient reasons, converse much. Many persons were now +hastening towards the strange object. Among them I noticed Jubal Gregg +the butcher (who fortunately did not observe me--we owed him a trifle of +eighteen shillings, and had since taken to Canterbury lamb from the +Colonial Meat Stores), and a jobbing gardener, whom I had not recently +paid. I forget his name, but he was lame in the left leg: a ruddy man. + +Quite a crowd surrounded the Crinoline when we arrived, and in addition +to the match-vendors already mentioned, there was now Giuseppe +Mandolini, from Leather Lane, with an accordion and a monkey. Monkeys +are of course forbidden in Kensington Gardens, and how he eluded the +police I cannot imagine. Most of the people were staring quietly at the +Crinoline, totally unaware of its significance. Scientific knowledge has +not progressed at Kensington by the same leaps and bounds as at Woking. +Extra-terrestrial had less meaning for them than extra-special. + +We found Swears hard at work keeping the crowd from touching the +Crinoline. With him was a tall, red-haired man, who I afterwards learnt +was Lee-Bigge, the Secretary of the Society for the Prevention of +Cruelty to Animals. He had a summons and several officials with him, and +was standing on the Crinoline, bellowing directions in a clear, rich +voice, occasionally impeded by emotion, like an ox with a hiccough. + +As soon as Swears saw me, he asked me to bring a policeman to assist him +to keep back the crowd; and I went away, proud to be so honoured, to +find one. I was unsuccessful. P.C. A581 had gone off duty; but another +constable, I was told, had been seen, an hour or so earlier, asleep +against the railings,--it was a baker's boy who told me, just back from +delivering muffins in St. Mary Abbot's Terrace,--and had since wandered +in the direction of the Albert Hall. I followed, but could not see him +in any of the areas, and therefore returned slowly by way of Queen's +Gate, Cromwell Road, Earl's Court Road, and Kensington High Street, +hoping to meet another; and as it was then about noon, I entered an +A.B.C. and had half a pork-pie and a bucket of Dr. Jaeger's Vi-cocolate. +I remember the circumstance distinctly, because feeling rather hungry +and wishing to vary the _menu_, I asked the girl for half a veal-and-ham +pie and she brought me the balance of the original pasty; and when I +remonstrated, she said that her directors recognised no essential +difference between veal-and-ham and pork. + + + + +III. + +THE CRINOLINE EXPANDS. + + +When I returned to the Gardens the sun was at his zenith. The crowd +around the Crinoline had increased and some sort of a struggle seemed to +be going on. As I drew near I heard Lee-Bigge's voice: + +"Keep back! keep back!" + +A boy came running towards me. + +"It's a-movin'," he said to me as he passed; "a-blowin' and a-blowin' +out. Now we shan't be long!" Passing on, I saw that it was indeed +expanding. The ribs were more distended and the covering more tightly +stretched. The hissing had ceased and a creaking noise had taken its +place. There was evidently great pressure within. Once something +resembling an _en tout cas_ was thrust through the top, making what was +presumably an attempt to dislodge Lee-Bigge, and then suddenly the +Crinoline burst, revealing a wision of ultra-mundane loveliness. + +I shall not attempt exhaustively to describe the indescribable. It is +enough to assure the sober reader that, grotesque and foolish as it may +seem, this is absolutely true, and to record that after the glimpse I +had of the Wenuses emerging from the Crinoline in which they had come to +the earth from their planet, a kind of fascination paralysed my actions. +All other men in the crowd seemed to be similarly affected. We were +battle-grounds of love and curiosity. For the Wenuses were gorgeous: +that is the sum of the matter. + +Those who have never seen a living Wenus (there is a specimen in fairly +good spirits in the Natural History Museum) can scarcely imagine the +strange beauty of their appearance. The peculiar W-shaped mouth, the +incessant nictitation of the sinister eyelid, the naughty little twinkle +in the eye itself, the glistening glory of the arms, each terminating in +a fleshy digitated Handling Machine resembling more than anything else a +Number 6 glove inflated with air (these members, by the way, have since +been named rather aptly by that distinguished anatomist and original +dog, Professor Howes, the _hands_)--all combined to produce an effect +akin to stupefaction. I stood there ecstatic, unprogressive, immoderate; +while swiftly and surely ungovernable affection for all Wenuses gripped +me. + +Meanwhile I heard inarticulate exclamations on all sides. + +"Shameless hussies!" cried a woman near me. + +"By Jove, that's something like!" said a young man who had been reading +Captain Coe's finals, swinging round towards the Crinoline, with one +foot arrested in mid-air. + +My inclination when I recovered partial self-possession was to make +instantly for the Crinoline and avow my devotion and allegiance, but at +that moment I caught the eye of my wife, who had followed me to the +Park, and I hastily turned my back on the centre of attraction. I saw, +however, that Pendriver was using his spade to cleave his way to the +Wenuses; and Swears was standing on the brink of the pit transfixed with +adoration; while a young shopman from Woking, in town for the day, +completely lost his head. It came bobbing over the grass to my very +feet; but I remembered the experiences of Pollock and the Porroh man and +let it go. + +The news of our visitors seemed to have spread by some subtle magic, for +in every direction I could see nothing but running men, some with women +pulling at their sleeves and coat-tails to detain them, advancing by +great strides towards us. Even a policeman was among them, rubbing his +eyes. My wife broke through the crowd and grasped me firmly by the arm. + +"Pozzy," she said, "this is my opportunity and I mean to use it. I was +kept doing nothing between pages 68 and 296 of the other book, and this +time I mean to work. Look at these fools rushing to their doom. In +another moment they will be mashed, mashed to jelly; and you too, unless +I prevent it. I know what these Wenuses are. Haven't I had a scientific +training? You will be mashed, I tell you--mashed!" + +So saying she banged on the ground with her umbrella, which, I remember +now with sorrow, we had bought the week before at Derry and Toms' for +five-and-eleven-three. + +Meanwhile a few of the men had to some extent recovered, and headed by +the R.S.P.C.A. Secretary had formed a deputation, and were busy talking +on their fingers to the Wenuses. But the Wenuses were too much occupied +in dropping into each other's eyes something from a bright flask, which +I took to be Beggarstaffs' Elect Belladonna, to heed them. + +I turned in response to a tug at my swallow-tails from my wife, and when +I looked again a row of Wenuses with closed lids stood before the +Crinoline. Suddenly they opened their eyes and flashed them on the men +before them. The effect was instantaneous. The deputation, as the glance +touched them, fell like skittles--viscous, protoplasmic masses, victims +of the terrible Mash-Glance of the Wenuses. + +I attributed my own escape to the prompt action of my wife, who stood +before and shielded me, for upon women the Mash-Glance had no effect. +The ray must have missed me only by a second, for my elbow which was not +wholly covered by my wife's bulk was scorched, and my hat has never +since recovered its pristine gloss. Turning, I saw a bus-driver in +Knightsbridge leap up and explode, while his conductor clutched at the +rail, missed it and fell overboard; farther still, on the distant +horizon, the bricklayers on a gigantic scaffolding went off bang against +the lemon-yellow of the sky as the glance reached them, and the +Bachelors' Club at Albert Gate fell with a crash. All this had happened +with such swiftness, that I was dumbfounded. Then, after a few moments, +my wife slowly and reluctantly stepped aside and allowed me to survey +the scene. The Wenuses, having scored their first victory, once more had +retired into the recesses of the Crinoline. The ground for some distance +was littered with the bodies of the mashed; I alone among men stood +erect, my conscious companions being a sprinkling of women, pictures of +ungovernable fury. + +Yet my feeling was not one of joy at my escape. Strange mind of +man!--instead, even with the Wenuses' victims lying all around me, my +heart went out to the Crinoline and its astral occupants. I, too, wished +to be mashed. And suddenly I was aware that my wife knew that I was +thinking thus. With an effort I turned and began a stumbling run through +the Park. + + + + +IV. + +HOW I REACHED HOME. + + +I remember nothing of my flight, except the stress of blundering against +trees and stumbling over the railings. To blunder against some trees is +very stressful. At last I could go no further: I had run full tilt into +a gasworks. I fell and lay still. + +I must have remained there some time. + +Suddenly, like a thing falling upon me from without, came--Beer. It was +being poured down my throat by my cousin's man, and I recollect thinking +that he must have used the same can with which he filled the lamps. How +he got there I cannot pretend to tell. + +"What news from the park?" said I. + +"Eh!" said my cousin's man. + +"What news from the Park?" I said. + +"Garn! 'oo yer getting at?" said my cousin's man. "Aint yer just _been_ +there?" (The italics are his own.) "People seem fair silly abart the +Pawk. Wot's it all abart?" + +"Haven't you heard of the Wenuses?" said I. "The women from Wenus?" +"Quite enough," said my cousin's man, and laughed. + +I felt foolish and angry. + +"You'll hear more yet," I said, and went on my way. + +Judging by the names of the streets, I seemed to be at Kennington, and +it was an hour after dawn, and my collar had burst away from its stud. +But I had ceased to feel fear. My terror had fallen from me like a bath +towel. Three things struggled for the possession of my mind: the beauty +of Kennington, the whereabouts of the Wenuses, and the wengeance of my +wife. In spite of my cousin's man's beer, which I could still taste, I +was ravenously hungry; so, seeing no one about, I broke into a chemist's +shop and stayed the pangs on a cake of petroleum soap, some Parrish's +food, and a box of menthol pastilles, which I washed down with a split +ammoniated quinine and Condy. I then stole across the road, and dragging +the cushions from a deserted cab (No. 8648) into the cab shelter, I +snatched a few more hours of restless sleep. + +When I woke I found myself thinking consecutively, a thing I do not +remember to have done since I killed the curate in the other book. In +the interim my mental condition had been chaotic, asymptotic. But during +slumber my brain, incredible as it may seem, stimulated and clarified by +the condiments of which I had partaken, had resumed its normal activity. +I determined to go home. + +Resolving at any cost to reach Campden Hill Gardens by a sufficiently +circuitous route, I traversed Kennington Park Road, Newington Butts, +Newington Causeway, Blackman Street, and the Borough High Street, to +London Bridge. Crossing the bridge, I met a newspaper boy with a bundle +of papers, still wet from the press. They were halfpenny copies of the +_Star_, but he charged me a penny for mine. The imposition still +rankles. + +From it I learned that a huge cordon of police, which had been drawn +round the Crinoline, had been mashed beyond recognition, and two +regiments of Life Guards razed to the ground, by the devastating Glance +of the Wenuses. I passed along King William Street and Prince's Street +to Moorgate Street. Here I met another newspaper boy, carrying the _Pall +Mall Gazette_. I handed him a threepenny bit; but though I waited for +twenty minutes, he offered me no change. This will give some idea of the +excitement then beginning to prevail. The _Pall Mall_ had an article on +the situation, which I read as I climbed the City Road to Islington. It +stated that Mrs. Pozzuoli, my wife, had constituted herself +Commander-in-Chief, and was busy marshalling her forces. I was relieved +by the news, for it suggested that my wife was fully occupied. Already a +good bulk of nursemaids and cooks, enraged at the destruction of the +Scotland Yard and Knightsbridge heroes by the Wenuses' Mash-Glance, had +joined her flag. It was, said the _Pall Mall,_ high time that such an +attack was undertaken, and since women had been proved to be immune to +the Mash-Glance, it was clearly their business to undertake it. + +Meanwhile, said the _Pall Mall_, nothing could check the folly of the +men. Like moths to a candle, so were they hastening to Kensington +Gardens, only to be added to the heap of mashed that already had +accumulated there. + +So far, the _P.M.G._ But my mother, who was in the thick of events at +the time, has since given me fuller particulars. Notwithstanding, my +mother tells me, the fate of their companions, the remainder of the +constabulary and military forces stationed in London hastened to the +Park, impelled by the fearful fascination, and were added to the piles +of mashed. + +Afterwards came the Volunteers, to a man, and then the Cloth. The haste +of most of the curates, and a few bishops whose names have escaped me, +was, said my mother, cataclysmic. Old dandies with creaking joints +tottered along Piccadilly to their certain doom; young clerks in the +city, explaining that they wished to attend their aunt's funeral, +crowded the omnibuses for Kensington and were seen no more; while my +mother tells me that excursion trains from the country were arriving at +the principal stations throughout the day, bearing huge loads of +provincial inamorati. + +A constant stream of infatuated men, flowing from east to west, set in, +and though bands of devoted women formed barriers across the principal +thoroughfares for the purpose of barring their progress, no perceptible +check was effected. Once, a Judge of notable austerity was observed to +take to a lamp-post to avoid detention by his wife: once, a well-known +tenor turned down by a by-street, says my mother, pursued by no fewer +than fifty-seven admirers burning to avert his elimination. Members of +Parliament surged across St. James' Park and up Constitution Hill. + +Yet in every walk of life, says my mother, there were a few survivors in +the shape of stolid, adamantine misogynists. + +Continuing my journey homewards, I traversed Upper Street, Islington, +and the Holloway Road to Highgate Hill, which I ascended at a sharp run. +At the summit I met another newspaper boy carrying a bundle of _Globes_, +one of which I purchased, after a hard-driven bargain, for two shillings +and a stud from the shirt-front of my evening dress, which was beginning +to show signs of ennui. I leaned against the wall of the Highgate +Literary and Scientific Institute, to read it. The news was +catastrophic. Commander Wells of the Fire Brigade had, it stated, +visited Kensington Gardens with two manuals, one steam engine, and a +mile of hose, in order to play upon the Crinoline and its occupants. +Presuming on the immunity of persons bearing his name during the Martian +invasion, the gallant Commander had approached too near and was in a +moment reduced to salvage. + +Pondering on this news, I made for Parliament Hill, by way of West Hill +and Milfield Lane. On the top I paused to survey London at my feet, and, +to get the fullest benefit of the invigorating breeze, removed my hat. +But the instant I did so, I was aware of a sharp pain on my scalp and +the aroma of singed hair. Lifting my hand to the wounded place, I +discovered that I had been shaved perfectly clean, as with a Heat Razor. +The truth rushed upon me: I had come within the range of the +Mash-Glance, and had been saved from total dissolution only by +intervening masonry protecting my face and body. + +To leave the Hill was the work of an instant. I passed through John +Street to Hampstead Road, along Belsize Avenue and Buckland Crescent to +Belsize Road, and so to Canterbury Road and Kilburn Lane. Here I met a +fourth newspaper boy loaded with copies of the _St. James' Gazette_. He +offered me one for seven-and-sixpence, or two for half a sovereign, but +it seemed to me I had read enough. + +Turning into Ladbroke Grove Road I quickly reached Notting Hill, and +stealthily entered my house in Campden Hill Gardens ten minutes later. + + + + +BOOK II. + +London under the Wenuses. + + + +I. + +THE DEATH OF THE EXAMINER. + + +My first act on entering my house, in order to guard against any sudden +irruption on the part of my wife, was to bolt the door and put on the +chain. My next was to visit the pantry, the cellar, and the larder, but +they were all void of food and drink. My wife must have been there +first. As I had drunk nothing since I burgled the Kennington chemist's, +I was very thirsty, though my mind was still hydrostatic. I cannot +account for it on scientific principles, but I felt very angry with my +wife. Suddenly I was struck by a happy thought, and hurrying upstairs I +found a bottle of methylated spirits on my wife's toilet-table. Strange +as it may seem to the sober reader, I drank greedily of the unfamiliar +beverage, and feeling refreshed and thoroughly kinetic, settled down +once more to an exhaustive exposure of the dishonest off-handedness of +the external Examiners at University College. I may add that I had taken +the bread-knife (by Mappin) from the pantry, as it promised to be useful +in the case of unforeseen Clerical emergencies. I should have preferred +the meat-chopper with which the curate had been despatched in _The War +of the Worlds,_ but it was deposited in the South Kensington Museum +along with other mementoes of the Martian invasion. Besides, my wife and +I had both become Wegetarians. + +The evening was still, and though distracted at times by recollections +of the Wenuses, I made good progress with my indictment. Suddenly I was +conscious of a pale pink glow which suffused my writing-pad, and I heard +a soft but unmistakable thud as of a pinguid body falling in the +immediate vicinity. + +Taking off my boots, I stole gently down to the scullery and applied the +spectroscope to the keyhole. To my mingled amazement and ecstasy, I +perceived a large dome-shaped fabric blocking up the entire back garden. +Roughly speaking, it seemed to be about the size of a full-grown sperm +whale. A faint heaving was perceptible in the mass, and further +evidences of vitality were forthcoming in a gentle but pathetic +crooning, as of an immature chimæra booming in the void. The truth +flashed upon me in a moment. The Second Crinoline had fallen in my back +garden. + +My mind was instantly made up. To expose myself unarmed to the +fascination of the Wonderful Wisitors would have irreparably prejudiced +the best interests of scientific research. My only hope lay in a +complete disguise which should enable me to pursue my investigations of +the Wenuses with the minimum amount of risk. A student of the humanities +would have adopted a different method, but my standpoint has always been +dispassionate, anti-sentimental. My feelings towards the Wenuses were, +incredible as it may seem, purely Platonic. I recognised their +transcendental attractions, but had no desire to succumb to them. +Strange as it may seem, the man who succumbs rarely if ever is +victorious in the long run. To disguise my sex and identity--for it was +_a priori_ almost impossible that the inhabitants of Wenus had never +heard of Pozzuoli--would guard me from the jellifying Mash-Glance of the +Wenuses. Arrayed in feminine garb I could remain immune to their +malignant influences. + +With me, to think is to act; so I hastily ran upstairs, shaved off my +moustache, donned my wife's bicycle-skirt, threw her _sortie de bal_ +round my shoulders, borrowed the cook's Sunday bonnet from the servants' +bedroom, and hastened back to my post of observation at the scullery +door. + +Inserting a pipette through the keyhole and cautiously applying my eye, +I saw to my delight that the Crinoline had been elevated on a series of +steel rods about six feet high, and that the five Wenuses who had +descended in it were partaking of a light but sumptuous repast beneath +its iridescent canopy. They were seated round a tripod imbibing a brown +beverage from small vessels resembling the half of a hollow sphere, and +eating with incredible velocity a quantity of tiny round coloured +objects--closely related, as I subsequently had occasion to ascertain, +to the _Bellaria angelica_,--which they raised to their mouths with +astonishing and unerring aim in the complex Handling-Machines, or +Tenticklers, which form part of their wonderful organism. + +Belonging as they undoubtedly do to the order of the Tunicates, their +exquisitely appropriate and elegant costume may be safely allowed to +speak for itself. It is enough, however, to note the curious fact that +there are no buttons in Wenus, and that their mechanical system is +remarkable, incredible as it may seem, for having developed the eye to +the rarest point of perfection while dispensing entirely with the hook. +The bare idea of this is no doubt terribly repulsive to us, but at the +same time I think we should remember how indescribably repulsive our +sartorial habits must seem to an intelligent armadillo. + +Of the peculiar coralline tint of the Wenuses' complexion, I think I +have already spoken. That it was developed by their indulgence in the +Red Weed has been, I think, satisfactorily proved by the researches of +Dr. Moreau, who also shows that the visual range of their eyes was much +the same as ours, except that blue and yellow were alike to them. Moreau +established this by a very pretty experiment with a Yellow Book and a +Blue Book, each of which elicited exactly the same remark, a curious +hooting sound, strangely resembling the _ut de poitrine_ of one of +Professor Garner's gorillas. + +After concluding their repast, the Wenuses, still unaware of my patient +scrutiny, extracted, with the aid of their glittering tintackles, a +large packet of Red Weed from a quasi-marsupial pouch in the roof of the +Crinoline, and in an incredibly short space of time had rolled its +carmine tendrils into slim cylinders, and inserted them within their +lips. The external ends suddenly ignited as though by spontaneous +combustion; but in reality that result was effected by the simple +process of deflecting the optic ray. Clouds of roseate vapour, ascending +to the dome of the canopy, partially obscured the sumptuous contours of +these celestial invaders; while a soft crooning sound, indicative of +utter contentment, or as Professor Nestlé of the Milky Ray has more +prosaically explained it, due to expiration of air preparatory to the +suctional operation involved in the use of the Red Weed, added an +indescribable glamour to the enchantment of the scene. + +Humiliating as it may seem to the scientific reader, I found it +impossible to maintain a Platonic attitude any longer; and applying my +mouth to the embouchure of the pipette, warbled faintly in an exquisite +falsetto: + +"Ulat tanalareezul Savourneen Dheelish tradioun marexil Vi-Koko for the +hair. I want yer, ma honey." + +The effect was nothing short of magical. The rhythmic exhalations ceased +instanteously, and the tallest and most fluorescent of the Wenuses, +laying aside her Red Weed, replied in a low voice thrilling with kinetic +emotion: + +"Phreata mou sas agapo!" + +The sentiment of these remarks was unmistakable, though to my shame I +confess I was unable to fathom their meaning, and I was on the point of +opening the scullery door and rushing out to declare myself, when I +heard a loud banging from the front of the house. + +I stumbled up the kitchen stairs, hampered considerably by my wife's +skirt; and, by the time I had reached the hall, recognised the raucous +accents of Professor Tibbles, the Classical Examiner, shouting in +excited tones: + +"Let me in, let me in!" + +I opened the door as far as it would go without unfastening the chain, +and the Professor at once thrust in his head, remaining jammed in the +aperture. + +"Let me in!" he shouted. "I'm the only man in London besides yourself +that hasn't been pulped by the Mash-Glance." + +He then began to jabber lines from the classics, and examples from the +Latin grammar. + +A sudden thought occurred to me. Perhaps he might translate the +observation of the Wenus. Should I use him as an interpreter? But a +moment's reflection served to convince me of the danger of such a plan. +The Professor, already exacerbated by the study of the humanities, was +in a state of acute erethism. I thought of the curate, and, maddened by +the recollection of all I had suffered, drew the bread-knife from my +waist-belt, and shouting, "Go to join your dead languages!" stabbed him +up to the maker's name in the semi-lunar ganglion. His head drooped, and +he expired. + +I stood petrified, staring at his glazing eyes; then, turning to make +for the scullery, was confronted by the catastrophic apparition of the +tallest Wenus gazing at me with reproachful eyes and extended tentacles. +Disgust at my cruel act and horror at my extraordinary habiliments were +written all too plainly in her seraphic lineaments. At least, so I +thought. But it turned out to be otherwise; for the Wenus produced from +behind her superlatively radiant form a lump of slate which she had +extracted from the coal-box. + +"Decepti estis, O Puteoli!" she said. + +"I beg your pardon," I replied; "but I fail to grasp your meaning." + +"She means," said the Examiner, raising himself for another last effort, +"that it is time you changed your coal merchant," and so saying he died +again. + +I was thunderstruck: the Wenuses understood coals! + +And then I ran; I could stand it no longer. The game was up, the cosmic +game for which I had laboured so long and strenuously, and with one +despairing yell of "Ulla! Ulla!" I unfastened the chain, and, leaping +over the limp and prostrate form of the unhappy Tibbles, fled darkling +down the deserted street. + + + + +II. + +THE MAN AT UXBRIDGE ROAD. + + +At the corner a happy thought struck me: the landlord of the "Dog and +Measles" kept a motor car. I found him in his bar and killed him. Then I +broke open the stable and let loose the motor car. It was very restive, +and I had to pat it. "Goo' Tea Rose," I said soothingly, "goo' +Rockefeller, then." It became quiet, and I struck a match and started +the paraffinalia, and in a moment we were under weigh. + +I am not an expert motist, although at school I was a fairly good +hoop-driver, and the pedestrians I met and overtook had a bad time. One +man said, as he bound up a punctured thigh, that the Heat Ray of the +Martians was nothing compared with me. I was moting towards Leatherhead, +where my cousin lived, when the streak of light caused by the Third +Crinoline curdled the paraffin tank. Vain was it to throw water on the +troubled oil; the mischief was done. Meanwhile a storm broke. The +lightning flashed, the rain beat against my face, the night was +exceptionally dark, and to add to my difficulties the motor took the +wick between its teeth and fairly bolted. + +No one who has never seen an automobile during a spasm of motor ataxy +can have any idea of what I suffered. I held the middle of the way for a +few yards, but just opposite Uxbridge Road Station I turned the wheel +hard a-port, and the motor car overturned. Two men sprang from nowhere, +as men will, and sat on its occiput, while I crawled into Uxbridge Road +Station and painfully descended the stairs. + +I found the platform empty save for a colony of sturdy little newsboys, +whose stalwart determination to live filled me with admiration, which I +was enjoying until a curious sibillation beneath the bookstall stirred +me with panic. + +Suddenly, from under a bundle of _British Weeklies_, there emerged a +head, and gradually a man crawled out. It was the Artilleryman. + +"I'm burning hot," he said; "it's a touch of--what is it?--erethism." + +His voice was hoarse, and his Remarks, like the Man of Kent's, were +Rambling. + +"Where do you come from?" he said. + +"I come from Woking," I replied, "and my nature is Wobbly. I love my +love with a W because she is Woluptuous. I took her to the sign of the +Wombat and read her _The War of the Worlds_, and treated her to Winkles, +Winolia and Wimbos. Her name is Wenus, and she comes from the Milky +Way." + +He looked at me doubtfully, then shot out a pointed tongue. + +"It is you," he said, "the man from Woking. The Johnny what writes for +_Nature_. By the way," he interjected, "don't you think some of your +stuff is too--what is it?--esoteric? The man," he continued, "as killed +the curate in the last book. By the way, it _was_ you as killed the +curate?" + +"Artilleryman," I replied, "I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little +meat-chopper. And you, I presume, are the Artilleryman who attended my +lectures on the Eroticism of the Elasmobranch?" + +"That's me," he said; "but Lord, how you've changed. Only a fortnight +ago, and now you're stone-bald!" + +I stared, marvelling at his gift of perception. + +"What have you been living on?" I asked. + +"Oh," he said, "immature potatoes and Burgundy" (I give the catalogue so +precisely because it has nothing to do with the story), "uncooked steak +and limp lettuces, precocious carrots and Bartlett pears, and thirteen +varieties of fluid beef, which I cannot name except at the usual +advertisement rates." + +"But can you sleep after it?" said I. + +"Blimy! yes," he replied; "I'm fairly--what is it?--eupeptic." + +"It's all over with mankind," I muttered. + +"It _is_ all over," he replied. "The Wenuses 'ave only lost one +Crinoline, just one, and they keep on coming; they're falling somewhere +every night. Nothing's to be done. We're beat!" + +I made no answer. I sat staring, pulverised by the colossal +intellectuality of this untutored private. He had attended only three of +my lectures, and had never taken any notes. + +"This isn't a war," he resumed; "it never was a war. These 'ere Wenuses +they wants to be Mas, that's the long and the short of it. Only----" + +"Yes?" I said, more than ever impressed by the man's pyramidal +intuition. + +"They can't stand the climate. They're too--what is it?--exotic." + +We sat staring at each other. + +"And what will they do?" I humbly asked, grovelling unscientifically at +his feet. + +"That's what I've been thinking," said the gunner. "I ain't an +ornamental soldier, but I've a good deal of cosmic kinetic optimism, and +it's the cosmic kinetic optimist what comes through. Now these Wenuses +don't want to wipe _us_ all out. It's the women they want to +exterminate. They want to collar the men, and you'll see that after a +bit they'll begin catching us, picking the best, and feeding us up in +cages and men-coops." + +"Good heavens!" I exclaimed; "but you _are_ a man of genius indeed," and +I flung my arms around his neck. + +"Steady on!" he said; "don't be so--what is it?--ebullient." + +"And what then?" I asked, when my emotion had somewhat subsided. + +"Then," said he, "the others must be wary. You and I are mean little +cusses: we shall get off. They won't want _us_. And what do we do? Take +to the drains!" He looked at me triumphantly. + +Quailing before his glory of intellect, I fainted. + +"Are you sure?" I managed to gasp, on recovering consciousness. + +"Yes," he said, "sewer. The drains are the places for you and me. Then +we shall play cricket--a narrow drain makes a wonderful pitch--and read +the good books--not poetry swipes, and stuff like that, but good books. +That's where men like you come in. Your books are the sort: _The Time +Machine_, and _Round the World in Eighty Days, The Wonderful Wisit_, and +_From the Earth to the Moon_, and----" + +"Stop!" I cried, nettled at his stupidity. "You are confusing another +author and myself." + +"Was I?" he said, "that's rum, but I always mix you up with the man you +admire so much--Jools Werne. And," he added with a sly look, "you _do_ +admire him, don't you?" + +In a flash I saw the man plain. He was a critic. I knew my duty at once: +I must kill him. I did not want to kill him, because I had already +killed enough--the curate in the last book, and the Examiner and the +landlord of the "Dog and Measles" in this,--but an author alone with a +critic in deserted London! What else could I do? + +He seemed to divine my thought. + +"There's some immature champagne in the cellar," he said. + +"No," I replied, thinking aloud; "too slow, too slow." + +He endeavoured to pacify me. + +"Let me teach you a game," he said. + +He taught me one--he taught me several. We began with "Spadille," we +ended with "Halma" and "Snap," for parliament points. That is to say, +instead of counters we used M.Ps. Grotesque and foolish as this will +seem to the sober reader, it is absolutely true. Strange mind of man! +that, with our species being mashed all around, we could sit following +the chance of this painted pasteboard. + +Afterwards we tried "Tiddleywinks" and "Squails," and I beat him so +persistently that both sides of the House were mine and my geniality +entirely returned. He might have been living to this hour had he not +mentioned something about the brutality of _The Island of Dr. Moreau_. +That settled it. I had heard that absurd charge once too often, and +raising my Blaisdell binaural stethoscope I leaped upon him. With one +last touch of humanity, I turned the orbicular ivory plate towards him +and struck him to the earth. + +At that moment fell the Fourth Crinoline. + + + + +III. + +THE TEA-TRAY IN WESTBOURNE GROVE. + + +My wife's plan of campaign was simple but masterly. She would enlist an +army of enormous bulk, march on the Wenuses in Westbourne Grove, and +wipe them from the face of the earth. + +Such was my wife's project. My wife's first step was to obtain, as the +nucleus of attack, those women to whom the total loss of men would be +most disastrous. They flocked to my wife's banner, which was raised in +Regent's Park, in front of the pavilion where tea is provided by a +maternal County Council. + +My mother, who joined the forces and therefore witnessed the muster, +tells me it was a most impressive sight. My wife, in a nickel-plated +Russian blouse, trimmed with celluloid pom-pons, aluminium pantaloons, +and a pair of Norwegian _Skis_, looked magnificent. + +An old Guard, primed with recent articles from the _Queen_ by Mrs. Lynn +Linton, marched in a place of honour; and a small squadron of confirmed +misogynists, recruited from the Athenaeum, the Travellers' and the +Senior United Service Clubs, who professed themselves to be completely +Mash-proof, were in charge of the ambulance. The members of the Ladies' +Kennel Club, attended by a choice selection of carefully-trained Chows, +Schipperkes, Whippets and Griffons, garrisoned various outposts. + +The Pioneers joined my wife's ranks with some hesitation. The prospects +of a world depleted of men did not seem (says my mother) to fill them +with that consternation which was evident in my wife and her more +zealous lieutenants. But after a heated discussion at the Club-house, +which was marked by several resignations, it was decided to join in the +attack. A regiment of Pioneers therefore, marching to the battle-chant +of Walt Whitman's "Pioneers, O Pioneers!" brought up (says my mother) +the rear. + +The march of my wife's troops was a most impressive sight. Leaving +Regent's Park by the Clarence Gate, they passed down Upper Baker Street, +along Marylebone Road into Edgware Road. Here the troops divided. One +detachment hastened to Queen's Road, by way of Praed Street, Craven +Road, Craven Hill, Leinster Terrace and the Bayswater Road, with the +purpose of approaching Whiteley's from the South; the other half marched +direct to Westbourne Grove, along Paddington Green Road to Bishop's +Road. + +Thus, according to my wife's plan, the Wenuses would be between the two +wings of the army and escape would be impossible. + +Everything was done as my wife had planned. The two detachments reached +their destination almost simultaneously. My wife, with the northern +wing, was encamped in Bishop's Road, Westbourne Grove and Pickering +Place. My mother, with the southern wing (my wife shrewdly kept the +command in the family), filled Queen's Road from Whiteley's to Moscow +Road. My mother, who has exquisite taste in armour, had donned a superb +Cinque-Cento cuirass, a short Zouave jacket embroidered with sequins, +accordion-pleated bloomers, luminous leggings, brown Botticelli boots +and one tiger-skin spat. + +Between the two hosts was the empty road before the Universal Provider's +Emporium. The Wenuses were within the building. By the time my wife's +warriors were settled and had completed the renovation of their toilets +it was high noon. + +My wife had never imagined that any delay would occur: she had expected +to engage with the enemy at once and have done with it, and consequently +brought no provisions and no protection from the sun, which poured down +a great bulk of pitiless beams. + +The absence of Wenuses and of any sound betokening their activity was +disconcerting. However, my wife thought it best to lay siege to +Whiteley's rather than to enter the establishment. + +The army therefore waited. + +The heat became intense. My wife and her soldiers began to feel the +necessity for refreshment. My wife is accustomed to regular meals. The +sun grew in strength as the time went on, and my wife gave the order to +sit at ease, which was signalled to my mother. My mother tells me that +she was never so pleased in her life. + +One o'clock struck; two o'clock; three o'clock; and still no Wenuses. +Faint sounds were now audible from the crockery department, and then a +hissing, which passed by degrees into a humming, a long, loud droning +noise. It resembled as nearly as anything the boiling of an urn at a +tea-meeting, and awoke in the breasts of my wife and her army an intense +and unconquerable longing for tea, which was accentuated as four o'clock +was reached. Still no Wenuses. Another hour dragged wearily on, and the +craving for tea had become positively excruciating when five o'clock +rang out. + +At that moment, the glass doors of the crockery department were flung +open, and out poured a procession of Wenuses smiling, said my mother, +with the utmost friendliness, dressed as A.B.C. girls, and bearing trays +studded with cups and saucers. + +With the most seductive and ingratiating charm, a cup was handed to my +wife. What to do she did not for the moment know. "Could such a gift be +guileless?" she asked herself. "No." And yet the Wenuses looked +friendly. Finally her martial spirit prevailed and my wife repulsed the +cup, adjuring the rank and file to do the same. But in vain. Every +member of my wife's wing of that fainting army greedily grasped a cup. +Alas! what could they know of the deadly Tea-Tray of the Wenuses? +Nothing, absolutely nothing, such is the disgraceful neglect of science +in our schools and colleges. And so they drank and were consumed. + +Meanwhile my mother, at the head of the south wing of the army, which +had been entirely overlooked by the Wenuses, stood watching the +destruction of my wife's host--a figure petrified with alarm and +astonishment. One by one she watched her sisters in arms succumb to the +awful Tea-Tray. + +Then it was that this intrepid woman rose to her greatest height. + +"Come!" she cried to her Amazons. "Come! They have no more tea left. Now +is the moment ripe." + +With these spirited words, my mother and her troops proceeded to charge +down Queen's Road upon the unsuspecting Wenuses. + +But they had reckoned without the enemy. + +The tumult of the advancing host caught the ear of the Wonderful +Wisitors, and in an instant they had extracted glittering cases of their +crimson cigarettes from their pockets, and lighting them in the strange +fashion I have described elsewhere, they proceeded to puff the smoke +luxuriously into the faces of my mother and her comrades. + +Alas! little did these gallant females know of the horrible properties +of the Red Weed. How could they, with our science-teaching in such a +wretched state? + +The smoke grew in volume and density, spread and spread, and in a few +minutes the south wing of my wife's army was as supine as the north. + +How my wife and mother escaped I shall not say. I make a point of never +explaining the escape of my wife, whether from Martians or Wenuses; but +that night, as Commander-in-Chief, she issued this cataleptic despatch: + + "The Wenuses are able to paralyse all but strong-minded women + with their deadly Tea-Tray. Also they burn a Red Weed, the + smoke of which has smothered our troops in Westbourne Grove. No + sooner have they despoiled Whiteley's than they will advance + upon Jay's and Marshall and Snelgrove's. It is impossible to + stop them. There is no safety from the Tea-Tray and the Red + Weed but in instant flight." + +That night the world was again lit by a pale pink flash of light. It was +the Fifth Crinoline. + + + + +IV. + +WRECKAGE. + + +The general stampede that ensued on the publication of my wife's +despatch is no fit subject for the pen of a coherent scientific writer. +Suffice it to say, that in the space of twenty-four hours London was +practically empty, with the exception of the freaks at Barnum's, the +staff of _The Undertakers' Gazette_, and Mrs. Elphinstone (for that, +_pace_ Wilkie Collins, was the name of the Woman in White), who would +listen to no reasoning, but kept calling upon "George," for that was the +name of my cousin's man, who had been in the service of Lord Garrick, +the Chief Justice, who had succumbed to dipsomania in the previous +invasion. + +Meantime the Wenuses, flushed with their success in Westbourne Grove, +had carried their devastating course in a south-easterly direction, +looting Marshall and Snelgrove's, bearing away the entire stock of +driving-gloves from Sleep's and subjecting Redfern's to the asphyxiating +fumes of the Red Weed. + +It is calculated that they spent nearly two days in Jay's, trying on all +the costumes in that establishment, and a week in Peter Robinson's. +During these days I never quitted Uxbridge Road Station, for just as I +was preparing to leave, my eye caught the title on the bookstall of +Grant Allen's work, _The Idea of Evolution!_ and I could not stir from +the platform until I had skimmed it from cover to cover. + +Wearily mounting the stairs, I then turned my face westward. At the +corner of Royal Crescent, just by the cabstand, I found a man lying in +the roadway. His face was stained with the Red Weed, and his language +was quite unfit for the columns of _Nature_. + +I applied a limp lettuce to his fevered brow, took his temperature with +my theodolite, and pressing a copy of _Home Chat_ into his unresisting +hand, passed on with a sigh. I think I should have stayed with him but +for the abnormal obtusity of his facial angle. + +Turning up Clarendon Road, I heard the faint words of the Wenusberg +music by Wagner from a pianoforte in the second story of No. 34. I +stepped quickly into a jeweller's shop across the road, carried off +eighteen immature carats from a tray on the counter, and pitched them +through the open window at the invisible pianist. The music ceased +suddenly. + +It was when I began to ascend Notting Hill that I first heard the +hooting. It reminded me at first of a Siren, and then of the top note of +my maiden aunt, in her day a notorious soprano vocalist. She +subsequently emigrated to France, and entered a nunnery under the +religious name of Soeur Marie Jeanne. "Tul-ulla-lulla-liety," wailed the +Voice in a sort of superhuman jodel, coming, as it seemed to me, from +the region of Westminster Bridge. + +The persistent ululation began to get upon my nerves. I found, moreover, +that I was again extremely hungry and thirsty. It was already noon. Why +was I wandering alone in this derelict city, clad in my wife's skirt and +my cook's Sunday bonnet? + +Grotesque and foolish as it may seem to the scientific reader, I was +entirely unable to answer this simple conundrum. My mind reverted to my +school days. I found myself declining _musa_. Curious to relate, I had +entirely forgotten the genitive of _ego_.... With infinite trouble I +managed to break into a vegetarian restaurant, and made a meal off some +precocious haricot beans, a brace of Welsh rabbits, and ten bottles of +botanic beer. + +Working back into Holland Park Avenue and thence keeping steadily along +High Street, Notting Hill Gate, I determined to make my way to the +Marble Arch, in the hopes of finding some fresh materials for my studies +in the Stone Age. + +In Bark Place, where the Ladies' Kennel Club had made their vast +grand-stand, were a number of pitiful vestiges of the Waterloo of +women-kind. There was a shattered Elswick bicycle, about sixteen yards +and a half of nun's veiling, and fifty-three tortoise-shell side-combs. +I gazed on the _débris_ with apathy mingled with contempt. My movements +were languid, my plans of the vaguest. I knew that I wished to avoid my +wife, but had no clear idea how the avoiding was to be done. + + + + +V. + +BUBBLES. + + +From Orme Square, a lean-faced, unkempt and haggard waif, I drifted to +Great Orme's Head and back again. Senile dementia had already laid its +spectral clutch upon my wizened cerebellum when I was rescued by some +kindly people, who tell me that they found me scorching down Hays Hill +on a cushion-tired ordinary. They have since told me that I was singing +"My name is John Wellington Wells, Hurrah!" and other snatches from a +pre-Wenusian opera. + +These generous folk, though severely harassed by their own anxieties, +took me in and cared for me. I was a lonely man and a sad one, and they +bored me. In spite of my desire to give public expression to my +gratitude, they have refused to allow their names to appear in these +pages, and they consequently enjoy the proud prerogative of being the +only anonymous persons in this book. I stayed with them at the Bath Club +for four days, and with tears parted from them on the spring-board. They +would have kept me for ever, but that would have interfered with my +literary plans. Besides, I had a morbid desire to gaze on the Wenuses +once more. + +And so I went out into the streets again, guided by the weird Voice, and +_viâ_ Grafton Street, Albemarle Street, the Royal Arcade, Bond Street, +Burlington Gardens, Vigo Street and Sackville Street, Piccadilly, Regent +Street, Pall Mall East, Cockspur Street and Whitehall, steadily wheeled +my way across Westminster Bridge. + +There were few people about and their skins were all yellow. Lessing, +presumably in his _Laocoon_, has attributed this to the effects of sheer +panic; but Carver's explanation, which attributes the ochre-like tint to +the hypodermic operation of the Mash-Glance, seems far more plausible. +For myself I abstain from casting the weight of my support in either +scale, because my particular province is speculative philosophy and not +comparative dermatology. + +As I passed St. Thomas's Hospital, the tullululation grew ever louder +and louder. At last the source of the sound could no longer be +disguised. It proceeded without doubt from the interior of some soap +works just opposite Doulton's. The gate was open and a faint saponaceous +exhalation struck upon my dilated nostrils. I have always been +peculiarly susceptible to odours, though my particular province is not +Osmetics but speculative philosophy, and I at once resolved to enter. +Leaning my bicycle against the wall of the archway, I walked in, and was +immediately confronted by the object of my long search. + +There, grouped picturesquely round a quantity of large tanks, stood the +Wenuses, blowing assiduously through pellucid pipettes and +simultaneously chanting in tones of unearthly gravity a strain +poignantly suggestive of baffled hopes, thwarted aspirations and +impending departure. So absorbed were they in their strange +preparations, that they were entirely unconscious of my presence. +Grotesque and foolish as this may seem to the infatuated reader, it is +absolutely true. + +Gradually from out the troubled surface of the tanks there rose a +succession of transparent iridescent globules, steadily waxing in bulk +until they had attained a diameter of about sixteen feet. The Wenuses +then desisted from their labours of inflation, and suddenly plunging +into the tanks, reappeared _inside_ these opalescent globules. I can +only repeat that speculative philosophy, and not sapoleaginous +hydro-dynamics, is my particular forte, and would refer doubtful +readers, in search of further information, to the luminous hypothesis +advanced by Professor Cleaver of Washington to account for the +imbullification of the Wenuses.[1] + +Never shall I forget the touching scene that now unfolded itself before +my bewildered eyes. Against a back ground of lemon-coloured sky, with +the stars shedding their spiritual lustre through the purple twilight, +these gorgeous creatures, each ensphered in her beatific bubble, floated +tremulously upward on the balmy breeze. In a moment it all flashed upon +me. They were passing away from the scene of their brief triumph, and I, +a lonely and dejected scientist, saw myself doomed to expiate a moment's +madness in long years of ineffectual speculation on the probable +development of Moral Ideas. + +My mind reverted to my abandoned arguments, embodied in the article +which lay beneath the selenite paperweight in my study in Campden Hill +Gardens. Frenzied with despair, I shot out an arm to arrest the upward +transit of the nearest Wenus, when a strange thing occurred. + +"At last!" said a voice. + +I was startled. It was my wife, accompanied by Mrs. Elphinstone, my +cousin's man, my mother, the widow of the landlord of the "Dog and +Measles," Master Herodotus Tibbles in deep mourning, and the +Artillery-man's brother from Beauchamp's little livery stables. + +I shot an appealing glance to the disappearing Wenus. She threw me a +kiss. I threw her another. + +My wife took a step forward, and put her hand to my ear. I fell. + +[Footnote 1: Cleaver in a subsequent Memoir [Sonnenschein, London, pp. +xiv., 954, 20 in. x 8-1/2, price £2 2s. net] has made out, reluctantly +and against the judgment of his firm, that the basic material of the +globules, the peculiar tenacity of which was due to some toughening +ingredient imported by the Wisitors from their planet, was undoubtedly +that indispensable domestic article which is alleged to "save rubbing."] + + + + +APPENDIX A. + + + + +APPENDIX A. + + +My mother, whose vigilance during the Wenuses' invasion has been +throughout of the greatest assistance to me, kept copies of the various +papers of importance which commented upon that event. From them I am +enabled, with my mother's consent, to supplement the allusions to +contemporary journalism in the body of my history with the following +extracts:-- + +The _Times_, or, as it is better known, the Thunder Child of Printing +House Square, said: + +"The Duke of Curzon's statesmanlike reply in the House of Lords last +night to the inflammatory question or string of questions put by Lord +Ashmead with reference to our planetary visitors will go far to mitigate +the unreasoning panic which has laid hold of a certain section of the +community. As to the methods by which it has been proposed to confront +and repel the invaders, the Duke's remark, 'that the use of dynamite +violated the chivalrous instincts which were at the root of the British +Nature,' called forth loud applause. The Foreign Secretary, however, +showed that, while deprecating senseless panic, he was ready to take any +reasonable steps to allay the natural anxiety of the public, and rising +later on in the evening, he announced that a Royal Commission had been +appointed, on which Lord Ashmead, Dr. Joseph Parker (of the City +Temple), and Mr. Hall Caine, representing the Isle of Man, had consented +to serve, and would be dispatched without delay to Kensington Gardens to +inquire into the cause of the visit, and, if possible, to induce the new +comers to accept an invitation to tea on the Terrace. By way of +supplementing these tranquillizing assurances, we may add that we have +the authority of the best scientific experts, including Dr. Moreau, +Professor Sprudelkopf of Carlsbad, and Dr. Fountain Penn of +Philadelphia, for asserting that no animate beings could survive their +transference from the atmosphere of Venus to that of our planet for more +than fourteen days. It is to be hoped, therefore, that the members of +the Royal Commission may be successful in impressing upon our aërial +visitors the imperative necessity of a speedy return. In these +negotiations it is anticipated that the expressive pantomime of Dr. +Parker, and Mr. Hall Caine's mastery of the Manx dialect, will be of the +greatest possible assistance." + +To the _Daily Telegraph_ Sir Edwin Arnold contributed a poem entitled +"Aphrodite Anadyomené; or, Venus at the Round Pond." My mother can +remember only the last stanza, which ran as follows: + + "Though I fly to _Fushiyama_, + Steeped in opalescent _Karma_, + I shall ne'er forget my charmer, + My adorable _Khansamah_. + Though I fly to Tokio, + Where the sweet _chupatties_ blow, + I shall ne'er forget thee, no! + _Yamagata, daimio_." + +A shilling testimonial to the Wenuses was also started by the same +journal, in accordance with the precedent furnished by the similar +treatment of the Graces, and an animated controversy raged in its +correspondence columns with reference to mixed bathing at Margate, and +its effect on the morality of the Wenuses. + +A somewhat painful impression was created by the publication of an +interview with a well-known dramatic critic in the periodical known as +_Great Scott's Thoughts_. This eminent authority gave it as his +unhesitating opinion that the Wenuses were not fit persons to associate +with actors, actresses, or dramatic critics, and that if, as was +announced, they had been engaged at Covent Garden to lend realistic +verisimilitude to the Venusberg scene in _Tannhäuser_, it was his firm +resolve to give up his long crusade against Ibsen, emigrate to Norway, +and change his name to that of John Gabriel Borkman. A prolonged sojourn +in Poppyland, however, resulted in the withdrawal of this dreadful +threat, and, some few weeks after the extinction of the Wenuses, his +reconciliation with the dramatic profession was celebrated at a public +meeting, where, after embracing all the actor-managers in turn, he was +presented by them with a magnificent silver butter-boat, filled to the +brim with melted butter ready for immediate use. + + + + +APPENDIX B. + + + + +APPENDIX B. + + +My mother has obtained permission from the Laureate's publishers to +reprint the following stanzas from "The Pale Pink Raid":-- + + "Wrong? O of coarse it's heinous, + But we're going, girls, you just bet! + Do they think that the Wars of Wenus + Can be stopped by an epithet? + When the henpecked Earth-men pray us + To join them at afternoon tea, + Not rhyme nor reason can stay us + From flying to set them free. + + * * * * * + + "When the men on that hapless planet, + Handsome and kind and true, + Cry out, 'Hurry up!' O hang it! + What else can a Wenus do? + I suppose it was rather bad form, girls, + But really we didn't care, + For our planet was growing too warm, girls, + And we wanted a change of air. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. Grundy may go on snarling, + But still, at the Judgment Day, + The author of _England's Darling_ + I think won't give us away. + We failed, but we chose to chance it, + And as one of the beaten side, + I'd rather have made that transit + Than written _Jameson's Ride!_" + + THE END. + + +PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14678 *** diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fc93334 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14678 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14678) diff --git a/old/14678-8.txt b/old/14678-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f1f80f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14678-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1838 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The War of the Wenuses, by C. L. Graves and +E. V. Lucas + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The War of the Wenuses + +Author: C. L. Graves and E. V. Lucas + +Release Date: January 13, 2005 [eBook #14678] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WAR OF THE WENUSES*** + + +E-text prepared by David Starner, Edna Badalian, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +THE WAR OF THE WENUSES + +by + +C. L. GRAVES AND E. V. LUCAS + +Reprint of the 1898 ed. published by J. W. Arrowsmith +Bristol, Eng. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF THE INVISIBLE AUTHOR. +(From a Negative by THE SPECTROSCOPIC Co.)] + + + + +THE WAR OF THE WENUSES + +Translated from the Artesian of H. G. Pozzuoli + +Author of _The Treadmill_, _The Isthmus of Dr. Day_, _The Vanishing +Lady_, etc., etc. + +by + +C. L. GRAVES AND E. V. LUCAS + + + + +"Not novels and poetry swipes, but ideas, science, books" +_The Artilleryman_ + + + +[Illustration: Arrowsmith colophon] + + + +TO + +H. G. WELLS + +THIS OUTRAGE +ON A FASCINATING AND CONVINCING +ROMANCE + + + + +CONTENTS + + +BOOK I.--The Coming of the Wenuses. + +Chapter + + I. "JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE, MOTHER" + + II. THE FALLING STAR + +III. THE CRINOLINE EXPANDS + + IV. HOW I REACHED HOME + + + +BOOK II.--London Under the Wenuses. + + I. THE DEATH OF THE EXAMINER + + II. THE MAN AT UXBRIDGE ROAD + +III. THE TEA-TRAY IN WESTBOURNE GROVE + + IV. WRECKAGE + + V. BUBBLES + + + APPENDIX A + + APPENDIX B + + + + +BOOK I. + +The Coming of the Wenuses. + + + + +The Coming of the Wenuses. + + * * * * * + + + + +I. + +"JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE, MOTHER." + + +No one would have believed in the first years of the twentieth century +that men and modistes on this planet were being watched by intelligences +greater than woman's and yet as ambitious as her own. With infinite +complacency maids and matrons went to and fro over London, serene in the +assurance of their empire over man. It is possible that the mysticetus +does the same. Not one of them gave a thought to Wenus as a source of +danger, or thought of it only to dismiss the idea of active rivalry upon +it as impossible or improbable. Yet across the gulf of space astral +women, with eyes that are to the eyes of English women as diamonds are +to boot-buttons, astral women, with hearts vast and warm and +sympathetic, were regarding Butterick's with envy, Peter Robinson's with +jealousy, and Whiteley's with insatiable yearning, and slowly and surely +maturing their plans for a grand inter-stellar campaign. + +The pale pink planet Wenus, as I need hardly inform the sober reader, +revolves round the sun at a mean distance of [character: Venus sigil] +vermillion miles. More than that, as has been proved by the recent +observations of Puits of Paris, its orbit is steadily but surely +advancing sunward. That is to say, it is rapidly becoming too hot for +clothes to be worn at all; and this, to the Wenuses, was so alarming a +prospect that the immediate problem of life became the discovery of new +quarters notable for a gentler climate and more copious fashions. The +last stage of struggle-for-dress, which is to us still remote, had +embellished their charms, heightened their heels and enlarged their +hearts. Moreover, the population of Wenus consisted exclusively of +Invisible Men--and the Wenuses were about tired of it. Let us, however, +not judge them too harshly. Remember what ruthless havoc our own species +has wrought, not only on animals such as the Moa and the Maori, but upon +its own inferior races such as the Wanishing Lady and the Dodo Bensonii. + +The Wenuses seem to have calculated their descent with quite un-feminine +accuracy. Had our instruments permitted it, we might have witnessed +their preparations. Similarly pigs, had they wings, might fly. Men like +Quellen of Dresden watched the pale pink planet--it is odd, by the way, +that for countless centuries Wenus has been the star of Eve--evening by +evening growing alternately paler and pinker than a literary agent, but +failed to interpret the extraordinary phenomena, resembling a series of +powder puffs, which he observed issuing from the cardiac penumbra on the +night of April 1st, 1902. At the same time a great light was remarked by +Idos of Yokohama and Pegadiadis of Athens. + +The storm burst upon us six weeks later, about the time of the summer +sales. As Wenus approached opposition, Dr. Jelli of Guava set the wires +of the astronomical exchange palpitating with the intelligence of a huge +explosion of laughing gas moving risibly towards the earth. He compared +it to a colossal cosmic cachinnation. And, in the light of subsequent +events, the justice of the comparison will commend itself to all but the +most sober readers. + +Had it not been for my chance meeting with Swears, the eminent +astronomer and objurgationist, this book would never have been written. +He asked me down to our basement, which he rents from me as an +observatory, and in spite of all that has happened since I still +remember our wigil very distinctly. (I spell it with a "w" from an +inordinate affection for that letter.) Swears moved about, invisible but +painfully audible to my naked ear. The night was very warm, and I was +very thirsty. As I gazed through the syphon, the little star seemed +alternately to expand and contract, and finally to assume a sort of dual +skirt, but that was simply because my eye was tired. I remember how I +sat under the table with patches of green and crimson swimming before my +eyes. Grotesque and foolish as this may seem to the sober reader, it is +absolutely true. + +Swears watched till one, and then he gave it up. He was full of +speculations about the condition of Wenus. Swears' language was +extremely sultry. + +"The chances against anything lady-like on Wenus," he said, "are a +million to one." + +Even _Pearson's Weekly_ woke up to the disturbance at last, and Mrs. +Lynn Linton contributed an article entitled "What Women Might Do" to the +_Queen_. A paper called _Punch_, if I remember the name aright, made a +pun on the subject, which was partially intelligible with the aid of +italics and the laryngoscope. For my own part, I was too much occupied +in teaching my wife to ride a Bantam, and too busy upon a series of +papers in _Nature_ on the turpitude of the classical professoriate of +the University of London, to give my undivided attention to the +impending disaster. I cannot divide things easily; I am an indivisible +man. But one night I went for a bicycle ride with my wife. She _was_ a +Bantam of delight, I can tell you, but she rode very badly. It was +starlight, and I was attempting to explain the joke in the paper called, +if I recollect aright, _Punch_. It was an extraordinarily sultry night, +and I told her the names of all the stars she saw as she fell off her +machine. She had a good bulk of falls. There were lights in the upper +windows of the houses as the people went to bed. Grotesque and foolish +as this will seem to the sober reader, it is absolutely true. Coming +home, a party of bean-feasters from Wimbledon, Wormwood Scrubs, or +Woking passed us, singing and playing concertinas. It all seemed so safe +and tranquil. But the Wenuses were even then on their milky way. + + + + +II. + +THE FALLING STAR. + + +Then came the night of the first star. It was seen early in the morning +rushing over Winchester; leaving a gentle frou-frou behind it. Trelawny, +of the Wells' Observatory, the greatest authority on Meteoric +Crinolines, watched it anxiously. Winymann, the publisher, who sprang to +fame by the publication of _The War of the Worlds_, saw it from his +office window, and at once telegraphed to me: "Materials for new book in +the air." That was the first hint I received of the wonderful wisit. + +I lived in those days at 181a Campden Hill Gardens. It is the house +opposite the third lamp-post on the right as you walk east. It was of +brick and slate, with a party-wall, and two spikes were wanting to the +iron railings. When the telegram came I was sitting in my study writing +a discussion on the atomic theory of Krelli of Balmoral. I at once +changed the Woking jacket in which I was writing for evening +dress--which wanted, I remember, a button--and hastened to the Park. I +did not tell my wife anything about it. I did not care to have her with +me. In all such adventures I find her more useful as a sentimental +figure in the background--I, of course, allow no sentiment in the +foreground--than an active participant. + +On the way I met Swears, returning from breakfast with our mutual +friend, Professor Heat Ray Lankester--they had had Lee-Metford sardines +and Cairns marmalade, he told me,--and we sought the meteor together. + +Find it we did in Kensington Gardens. An enormous dimple had been made +by the impact of the projectile, which lay almost buried in the earth. +Two or three trees, broken by its fall, sprawled on the turf. Among this +_débris_ was the missile; resembling nothing so much as a huge +crinoline. At the moment we reached the spot P.C. A581 was ordering it +off; and Henry Pearson, aged 28 (no fixed abode), and Martha Griffin, +aged 54, of Maybury Tenements, were circulating among the crowd offering +matches for sale. They have nothing to do with this story, but their +names and addresses make for verisimilitude; or at least, I hope so. In +case they do not, let me add that Mary Griffin wore a blue peignoir +which had seen better days, and Herbert Pearson's matches struck +everywhere except on the box. + +With a mental flash we linked the Crinoline with the powder puffs on +Wenus. Approaching it more nearly, we heard a hissing noise within, such +as is made by an ostler, or Mr. Daimler grooming his motor car. + +"Good heavens!" said Swears, "there's a horse in it. Can't you hear? He +must be half-roasted." + +So saying he rushed off, fraught with pity, to inform the Secretary of +the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals; while I hurried +away to tell Pendriver the journalist, proposing in my own mind, I +recollect, that he should give me half the profits on the article. + +Pendriver the journalist, so called to distinguish him from Hoopdriver +the cyclist, was working in his garden. He does the horticultural column +for one of the large dailies. + +"You've read about the disturbances in Venus?" I cried. + +"What!" said Pendriver. He is as deaf as the _Post_, the paper he writes +for. + +"You've read about Venus?" I asked again. + +"No," he said, "I've never been to Venice." + +"Venus!" I bawled, "Venus!" + +"Yes," said Pendriver, "Venus. What about it?" + +"Why," I said, "there are people from Venus in Kensington Gardens." + +"Venus in Kensington Gardens!" he replied. "No, it's not Venus; it's the +Queen." + +I began to get angry. + +"Not the statue," I shouted. "Wisitors from Wenus. Make copy. Come and +see! Copy! Copy!" + +The word "copy" galvanised him, and he came, spade and all. We quickly +crossed the Park once more. Pendriver lives to the west of it, in +Strathmore Gardens, and has a special permit from his landlord to dig. +We did not, for sufficient reasons, converse much. Many persons were now +hastening towards the strange object. Among them I noticed Jubal Gregg +the butcher (who fortunately did not observe me--we owed him a trifle of +eighteen shillings, and had since taken to Canterbury lamb from the +Colonial Meat Stores), and a jobbing gardener, whom I had not recently +paid. I forget his name, but he was lame in the left leg: a ruddy man. + +Quite a crowd surrounded the Crinoline when we arrived, and in addition +to the match-vendors already mentioned, there was now Giuseppe +Mandolini, from Leather Lane, with an accordion and a monkey. Monkeys +are of course forbidden in Kensington Gardens, and how he eluded the +police I cannot imagine. Most of the people were staring quietly at the +Crinoline, totally unaware of its significance. Scientific knowledge has +not progressed at Kensington by the same leaps and bounds as at Woking. +Extra-terrestrial had less meaning for them than extra-special. + +We found Swears hard at work keeping the crowd from touching the +Crinoline. With him was a tall, red-haired man, who I afterwards learnt +was Lee-Bigge, the Secretary of the Society for the Prevention of +Cruelty to Animals. He had a summons and several officials with him, and +was standing on the Crinoline, bellowing directions in a clear, rich +voice, occasionally impeded by emotion, like an ox with a hiccough. + +As soon as Swears saw me, he asked me to bring a policeman to assist him +to keep back the crowd; and I went away, proud to be so honoured, to +find one. I was unsuccessful. P.C. A581 had gone off duty; but another +constable, I was told, had been seen, an hour or so earlier, asleep +against the railings,--it was a baker's boy who told me, just back from +delivering muffins in St. Mary Abbot's Terrace,--and had since wandered +in the direction of the Albert Hall. I followed, but could not see him +in any of the areas, and therefore returned slowly by way of Queen's +Gate, Cromwell Road, Earl's Court Road, and Kensington High Street, +hoping to meet another; and as it was then about noon, I entered an +A.B.C. and had half a pork-pie and a bucket of Dr. Jaeger's Vi-cocolate. +I remember the circumstance distinctly, because feeling rather hungry +and wishing to vary the _menu_, I asked the girl for half a veal-and-ham +pie and she brought me the balance of the original pasty; and when I +remonstrated, she said that her directors recognised no essential +difference between veal-and-ham and pork. + + + + +III. + +THE CRINOLINE EXPANDS. + + +When I returned to the Gardens the sun was at his zenith. The crowd +around the Crinoline had increased and some sort of a struggle seemed to +be going on. As I drew near I heard Lee-Bigge's voice: + +"Keep back! keep back!" + +A boy came running towards me. + +"It's a-movin'," he said to me as he passed; "a-blowin' and a-blowin' +out. Now we shan't be long!" Passing on, I saw that it was indeed +expanding. The ribs were more distended and the covering more tightly +stretched. The hissing had ceased and a creaking noise had taken its +place. There was evidently great pressure within. Once something +resembling an _en tout cas_ was thrust through the top, making what was +presumably an attempt to dislodge Lee-Bigge, and then suddenly the +Crinoline burst, revealing a wision of ultra-mundane loveliness. + +I shall not attempt exhaustively to describe the indescribable. It is +enough to assure the sober reader that, grotesque and foolish as it may +seem, this is absolutely true, and to record that after the glimpse I +had of the Wenuses emerging from the Crinoline in which they had come to +the earth from their planet, a kind of fascination paralysed my actions. +All other men in the crowd seemed to be similarly affected. We were +battle-grounds of love and curiosity. For the Wenuses were gorgeous: +that is the sum of the matter. + +Those who have never seen a living Wenus (there is a specimen in fairly +good spirits in the Natural History Museum) can scarcely imagine the +strange beauty of their appearance. The peculiar W-shaped mouth, the +incessant nictitation of the sinister eyelid, the naughty little twinkle +in the eye itself, the glistening glory of the arms, each terminating in +a fleshy digitated Handling Machine resembling more than anything else a +Number 6 glove inflated with air (these members, by the way, have since +been named rather aptly by that distinguished anatomist and original +dog, Professor Howes, the _hands_)--all combined to produce an effect +akin to stupefaction. I stood there ecstatic, unprogressive, immoderate; +while swiftly and surely ungovernable affection for all Wenuses gripped +me. + +Meanwhile I heard inarticulate exclamations on all sides. + +"Shameless hussies!" cried a woman near me. + +"By Jove, that's something like!" said a young man who had been reading +Captain Coe's finals, swinging round towards the Crinoline, with one +foot arrested in mid-air. + +My inclination when I recovered partial self-possession was to make +instantly for the Crinoline and avow my devotion and allegiance, but at +that moment I caught the eye of my wife, who had followed me to the +Park, and I hastily turned my back on the centre of attraction. I saw, +however, that Pendriver was using his spade to cleave his way to the +Wenuses; and Swears was standing on the brink of the pit transfixed with +adoration; while a young shopman from Woking, in town for the day, +completely lost his head. It came bobbing over the grass to my very +feet; but I remembered the experiences of Pollock and the Porroh man and +let it go. + +The news of our visitors seemed to have spread by some subtle magic, for +in every direction I could see nothing but running men, some with women +pulling at their sleeves and coat-tails to detain them, advancing by +great strides towards us. Even a policeman was among them, rubbing his +eyes. My wife broke through the crowd and grasped me firmly by the arm. + +"Pozzy," she said, "this is my opportunity and I mean to use it. I was +kept doing nothing between pages 68 and 296 of the other book, and this +time I mean to work. Look at these fools rushing to their doom. In +another moment they will be mashed, mashed to jelly; and you too, unless +I prevent it. I know what these Wenuses are. Haven't I had a scientific +training? You will be mashed, I tell you--mashed!" + +So saying she banged on the ground with her umbrella, which, I remember +now with sorrow, we had bought the week before at Derry and Toms' for +five-and-eleven-three. + +Meanwhile a few of the men had to some extent recovered, and headed by +the R.S.P.C.A. Secretary had formed a deputation, and were busy talking +on their fingers to the Wenuses. But the Wenuses were too much occupied +in dropping into each other's eyes something from a bright flask, which +I took to be Beggarstaffs' Elect Belladonna, to heed them. + +I turned in response to a tug at my swallow-tails from my wife, and when +I looked again a row of Wenuses with closed lids stood before the +Crinoline. Suddenly they opened their eyes and flashed them on the men +before them. The effect was instantaneous. The deputation, as the glance +touched them, fell like skittles--viscous, protoplasmic masses, victims +of the terrible Mash-Glance of the Wenuses. + +I attributed my own escape to the prompt action of my wife, who stood +before and shielded me, for upon women the Mash-Glance had no effect. +The ray must have missed me only by a second, for my elbow which was not +wholly covered by my wife's bulk was scorched, and my hat has never +since recovered its pristine gloss. Turning, I saw a bus-driver in +Knightsbridge leap up and explode, while his conductor clutched at the +rail, missed it and fell overboard; farther still, on the distant +horizon, the bricklayers on a gigantic scaffolding went off bang against +the lemon-yellow of the sky as the glance reached them, and the +Bachelors' Club at Albert Gate fell with a crash. All this had happened +with such swiftness, that I was dumbfounded. Then, after a few moments, +my wife slowly and reluctantly stepped aside and allowed me to survey +the scene. The Wenuses, having scored their first victory, once more had +retired into the recesses of the Crinoline. The ground for some distance +was littered with the bodies of the mashed; I alone among men stood +erect, my conscious companions being a sprinkling of women, pictures of +ungovernable fury. + +Yet my feeling was not one of joy at my escape. Strange mind of +man!--instead, even with the Wenuses' victims lying all around me, my +heart went out to the Crinoline and its astral occupants. I, too, wished +to be mashed. And suddenly I was aware that my wife knew that I was +thinking thus. With an effort I turned and began a stumbling run through +the Park. + + + + +IV. + +HOW I REACHED HOME. + + +I remember nothing of my flight, except the stress of blundering against +trees and stumbling over the railings. To blunder against some trees is +very stressful. At last I could go no further: I had run full tilt into +a gasworks. I fell and lay still. + +I must have remained there some time. + +Suddenly, like a thing falling upon me from without, came--Beer. It was +being poured down my throat by my cousin's man, and I recollect thinking +that he must have used the same can with which he filled the lamps. How +he got there I cannot pretend to tell. + +"What news from the park?" said I. + +"Eh!" said my cousin's man. + +"What news from the Park?" I said. + +"Garn! 'oo yer getting at?" said my cousin's man. "Aint yer just _been_ +there?" (The italics are his own.) "People seem fair silly abart the +Pawk. Wot's it all abart?" + +"Haven't you heard of the Wenuses?" said I. "The women from Wenus?" +"Quite enough," said my cousin's man, and laughed. + +I felt foolish and angry. + +"You'll hear more yet," I said, and went on my way. + +Judging by the names of the streets, I seemed to be at Kennington, and +it was an hour after dawn, and my collar had burst away from its stud. +But I had ceased to feel fear. My terror had fallen from me like a bath +towel. Three things struggled for the possession of my mind: the beauty +of Kennington, the whereabouts of the Wenuses, and the wengeance of my +wife. In spite of my cousin's man's beer, which I could still taste, I +was ravenously hungry; so, seeing no one about, I broke into a chemist's +shop and stayed the pangs on a cake of petroleum soap, some Parrish's +food, and a box of menthol pastilles, which I washed down with a split +ammoniated quinine and Condy. I then stole across the road, and dragging +the cushions from a deserted cab (No. 8648) into the cab shelter, I +snatched a few more hours of restless sleep. + +When I woke I found myself thinking consecutively, a thing I do not +remember to have done since I killed the curate in the other book. In +the interim my mental condition had been chaotic, asymptotic. But during +slumber my brain, incredible as it may seem, stimulated and clarified by +the condiments of which I had partaken, had resumed its normal activity. +I determined to go home. + +Resolving at any cost to reach Campden Hill Gardens by a sufficiently +circuitous route, I traversed Kennington Park Road, Newington Butts, +Newington Causeway, Blackman Street, and the Borough High Street, to +London Bridge. Crossing the bridge, I met a newspaper boy with a bundle +of papers, still wet from the press. They were halfpenny copies of the +_Star_, but he charged me a penny for mine. The imposition still +rankles. + +From it I learned that a huge cordon of police, which had been drawn +round the Crinoline, had been mashed beyond recognition, and two +regiments of Life Guards razed to the ground, by the devastating Glance +of the Wenuses. I passed along King William Street and Prince's Street +to Moorgate Street. Here I met another newspaper boy, carrying the _Pall +Mall Gazette_. I handed him a threepenny bit; but though I waited for +twenty minutes, he offered me no change. This will give some idea of the +excitement then beginning to prevail. The _Pall Mall_ had an article on +the situation, which I read as I climbed the City Road to Islington. It +stated that Mrs. Pozzuoli, my wife, had constituted herself +Commander-in-Chief, and was busy marshalling her forces. I was relieved +by the news, for it suggested that my wife was fully occupied. Already a +good bulk of nursemaids and cooks, enraged at the destruction of the +Scotland Yard and Knightsbridge heroes by the Wenuses' Mash-Glance, had +joined her flag. It was, said the _Pall Mall,_ high time that such an +attack was undertaken, and since women had been proved to be immune to +the Mash-Glance, it was clearly their business to undertake it. + +Meanwhile, said the _Pall Mall_, nothing could check the folly of the +men. Like moths to a candle, so were they hastening to Kensington +Gardens, only to be added to the heap of mashed that already had +accumulated there. + +So far, the _P.M.G._ But my mother, who was in the thick of events at +the time, has since given me fuller particulars. Notwithstanding, my +mother tells me, the fate of their companions, the remainder of the +constabulary and military forces stationed in London hastened to the +Park, impelled by the fearful fascination, and were added to the piles +of mashed. + +Afterwards came the Volunteers, to a man, and then the Cloth. The haste +of most of the curates, and a few bishops whose names have escaped me, +was, said my mother, cataclysmic. Old dandies with creaking joints +tottered along Piccadilly to their certain doom; young clerks in the +city, explaining that they wished to attend their aunt's funeral, +crowded the omnibuses for Kensington and were seen no more; while my +mother tells me that excursion trains from the country were arriving at +the principal stations throughout the day, bearing huge loads of +provincial inamorati. + +A constant stream of infatuated men, flowing from east to west, set in, +and though bands of devoted women formed barriers across the principal +thoroughfares for the purpose of barring their progress, no perceptible +check was effected. Once, a Judge of notable austerity was observed to +take to a lamp-post to avoid detention by his wife: once, a well-known +tenor turned down by a by-street, says my mother, pursued by no fewer +than fifty-seven admirers burning to avert his elimination. Members of +Parliament surged across St. James' Park and up Constitution Hill. + +Yet in every walk of life, says my mother, there were a few survivors in +the shape of stolid, adamantine misogynists. + +Continuing my journey homewards, I traversed Upper Street, Islington, +and the Holloway Road to Highgate Hill, which I ascended at a sharp run. +At the summit I met another newspaper boy carrying a bundle of _Globes_, +one of which I purchased, after a hard-driven bargain, for two shillings +and a stud from the shirt-front of my evening dress, which was beginning +to show signs of ennui. I leaned against the wall of the Highgate +Literary and Scientific Institute, to read it. The news was +catastrophic. Commander Wells of the Fire Brigade had, it stated, +visited Kensington Gardens with two manuals, one steam engine, and a +mile of hose, in order to play upon the Crinoline and its occupants. +Presuming on the immunity of persons bearing his name during the Martian +invasion, the gallant Commander had approached too near and was in a +moment reduced to salvage. + +Pondering on this news, I made for Parliament Hill, by way of West Hill +and Milfield Lane. On the top I paused to survey London at my feet, and, +to get the fullest benefit of the invigorating breeze, removed my hat. +But the instant I did so, I was aware of a sharp pain on my scalp and +the aroma of singed hair. Lifting my hand to the wounded place, I +discovered that I had been shaved perfectly clean, as with a Heat Razor. +The truth rushed upon me: I had come within the range of the +Mash-Glance, and had been saved from total dissolution only by +intervening masonry protecting my face and body. + +To leave the Hill was the work of an instant. I passed through John +Street to Hampstead Road, along Belsize Avenue and Buckland Crescent to +Belsize Road, and so to Canterbury Road and Kilburn Lane. Here I met a +fourth newspaper boy loaded with copies of the _St. James' Gazette_. He +offered me one for seven-and-sixpence, or two for half a sovereign, but +it seemed to me I had read enough. + +Turning into Ladbroke Grove Road I quickly reached Notting Hill, and +stealthily entered my house in Campden Hill Gardens ten minutes later. + + + + +BOOK II. + +London under the Wenuses. + + + +I. + +THE DEATH OF THE EXAMINER. + + +My first act on entering my house, in order to guard against any sudden +irruption on the part of my wife, was to bolt the door and put on the +chain. My next was to visit the pantry, the cellar, and the larder, but +they were all void of food and drink. My wife must have been there +first. As I had drunk nothing since I burgled the Kennington chemist's, +I was very thirsty, though my mind was still hydrostatic. I cannot +account for it on scientific principles, but I felt very angry with my +wife. Suddenly I was struck by a happy thought, and hurrying upstairs I +found a bottle of methylated spirits on my wife's toilet-table. Strange +as it may seem to the sober reader, I drank greedily of the unfamiliar +beverage, and feeling refreshed and thoroughly kinetic, settled down +once more to an exhaustive exposure of the dishonest off-handedness of +the external Examiners at University College. I may add that I had taken +the bread-knife (by Mappin) from the pantry, as it promised to be useful +in the case of unforeseen Clerical emergencies. I should have preferred +the meat-chopper with which the curate had been despatched in _The War +of the Worlds,_ but it was deposited in the South Kensington Museum +along with other mementoes of the Martian invasion. Besides, my wife and +I had both become Wegetarians. + +The evening was still, and though distracted at times by recollections +of the Wenuses, I made good progress with my indictment. Suddenly I was +conscious of a pale pink glow which suffused my writing-pad, and I heard +a soft but unmistakable thud as of a pinguid body falling in the +immediate vicinity. + +Taking off my boots, I stole gently down to the scullery and applied the +spectroscope to the keyhole. To my mingled amazement and ecstasy, I +perceived a large dome-shaped fabric blocking up the entire back garden. +Roughly speaking, it seemed to be about the size of a full-grown sperm +whale. A faint heaving was perceptible in the mass, and further +evidences of vitality were forthcoming in a gentle but pathetic +crooning, as of an immature chimæra booming in the void. The truth +flashed upon me in a moment. The Second Crinoline had fallen in my back +garden. + +My mind was instantly made up. To expose myself unarmed to the +fascination of the Wonderful Wisitors would have irreparably prejudiced +the best interests of scientific research. My only hope lay in a +complete disguise which should enable me to pursue my investigations of +the Wenuses with the minimum amount of risk. A student of the humanities +would have adopted a different method, but my standpoint has always been +dispassionate, anti-sentimental. My feelings towards the Wenuses were, +incredible as it may seem, purely Platonic. I recognised their +transcendental attractions, but had no desire to succumb to them. +Strange as it may seem, the man who succumbs rarely if ever is +victorious in the long run. To disguise my sex and identity--for it was +_a priori_ almost impossible that the inhabitants of Wenus had never +heard of Pozzuoli--would guard me from the jellifying Mash-Glance of the +Wenuses. Arrayed in feminine garb I could remain immune to their +malignant influences. + +With me, to think is to act; so I hastily ran upstairs, shaved off my +moustache, donned my wife's bicycle-skirt, threw her _sortie de bal_ +round my shoulders, borrowed the cook's Sunday bonnet from the servants' +bedroom, and hastened back to my post of observation at the scullery +door. + +Inserting a pipette through the keyhole and cautiously applying my eye, +I saw to my delight that the Crinoline had been elevated on a series of +steel rods about six feet high, and that the five Wenuses who had +descended in it were partaking of a light but sumptuous repast beneath +its iridescent canopy. They were seated round a tripod imbibing a brown +beverage from small vessels resembling the half of a hollow sphere, and +eating with incredible velocity a quantity of tiny round coloured +objects--closely related, as I subsequently had occasion to ascertain, +to the _Bellaria angelica_,--which they raised to their mouths with +astonishing and unerring aim in the complex Handling-Machines, or +Tenticklers, which form part of their wonderful organism. + +Belonging as they undoubtedly do to the order of the Tunicates, their +exquisitely appropriate and elegant costume may be safely allowed to +speak for itself. It is enough, however, to note the curious fact that +there are no buttons in Wenus, and that their mechanical system is +remarkable, incredible as it may seem, for having developed the eye to +the rarest point of perfection while dispensing entirely with the hook. +The bare idea of this is no doubt terribly repulsive to us, but at the +same time I think we should remember how indescribably repulsive our +sartorial habits must seem to an intelligent armadillo. + +Of the peculiar coralline tint of the Wenuses' complexion, I think I +have already spoken. That it was developed by their indulgence in the +Red Weed has been, I think, satisfactorily proved by the researches of +Dr. Moreau, who also shows that the visual range of their eyes was much +the same as ours, except that blue and yellow were alike to them. Moreau +established this by a very pretty experiment with a Yellow Book and a +Blue Book, each of which elicited exactly the same remark, a curious +hooting sound, strangely resembling the _ut de poitrine_ of one of +Professor Garner's gorillas. + +After concluding their repast, the Wenuses, still unaware of my patient +scrutiny, extracted, with the aid of their glittering tintackles, a +large packet of Red Weed from a quasi-marsupial pouch in the roof of the +Crinoline, and in an incredibly short space of time had rolled its +carmine tendrils into slim cylinders, and inserted them within their +lips. The external ends suddenly ignited as though by spontaneous +combustion; but in reality that result was effected by the simple +process of deflecting the optic ray. Clouds of roseate vapour, ascending +to the dome of the canopy, partially obscured the sumptuous contours of +these celestial invaders; while a soft crooning sound, indicative of +utter contentment, or as Professor Nestlé of the Milky Ray has more +prosaically explained it, due to expiration of air preparatory to the +suctional operation involved in the use of the Red Weed, added an +indescribable glamour to the enchantment of the scene. + +Humiliating as it may seem to the scientific reader, I found it +impossible to maintain a Platonic attitude any longer; and applying my +mouth to the embouchure of the pipette, warbled faintly in an exquisite +falsetto: + +"Ulat tanalareezul Savourneen Dheelish tradioun marexil Vi-Koko for the +hair. I want yer, ma honey." + +The effect was nothing short of magical. The rhythmic exhalations ceased +instanteously, and the tallest and most fluorescent of the Wenuses, +laying aside her Red Weed, replied in a low voice thrilling with kinetic +emotion: + +"Phreata mou sas agapo!" + +The sentiment of these remarks was unmistakable, though to my shame I +confess I was unable to fathom their meaning, and I was on the point of +opening the scullery door and rushing out to declare myself, when I +heard a loud banging from the front of the house. + +I stumbled up the kitchen stairs, hampered considerably by my wife's +skirt; and, by the time I had reached the hall, recognised the raucous +accents of Professor Tibbles, the Classical Examiner, shouting in +excited tones: + +"Let me in, let me in!" + +I opened the door as far as it would go without unfastening the chain, +and the Professor at once thrust in his head, remaining jammed in the +aperture. + +"Let me in!" he shouted. "I'm the only man in London besides yourself +that hasn't been pulped by the Mash-Glance." + +He then began to jabber lines from the classics, and examples from the +Latin grammar. + +A sudden thought occurred to me. Perhaps he might translate the +observation of the Wenus. Should I use him as an interpreter? But a +moment's reflection served to convince me of the danger of such a plan. +The Professor, already exacerbated by the study of the humanities, was +in a state of acute erethism. I thought of the curate, and, maddened by +the recollection of all I had suffered, drew the bread-knife from my +waist-belt, and shouting, "Go to join your dead languages!" stabbed him +up to the maker's name in the semi-lunar ganglion. His head drooped, and +he expired. + +I stood petrified, staring at his glazing eyes; then, turning to make +for the scullery, was confronted by the catastrophic apparition of the +tallest Wenus gazing at me with reproachful eyes and extended tentacles. +Disgust at my cruel act and horror at my extraordinary habiliments were +written all too plainly in her seraphic lineaments. At least, so I +thought. But it turned out to be otherwise; for the Wenus produced from +behind her superlatively radiant form a lump of slate which she had +extracted from the coal-box. + +"Decepti estis, O Puteoli!" she said. + +"I beg your pardon," I replied; "but I fail to grasp your meaning." + +"She means," said the Examiner, raising himself for another last effort, +"that it is time you changed your coal merchant," and so saying he died +again. + +I was thunderstruck: the Wenuses understood coals! + +And then I ran; I could stand it no longer. The game was up, the cosmic +game for which I had laboured so long and strenuously, and with one +despairing yell of "Ulla! Ulla!" I unfastened the chain, and, leaping +over the limp and prostrate form of the unhappy Tibbles, fled darkling +down the deserted street. + + + + +II. + +THE MAN AT UXBRIDGE ROAD. + + +At the corner a happy thought struck me: the landlord of the "Dog and +Measles" kept a motor car. I found him in his bar and killed him. Then I +broke open the stable and let loose the motor car. It was very restive, +and I had to pat it. "Goo' Tea Rose," I said soothingly, "goo' +Rockefeller, then." It became quiet, and I struck a match and started +the paraffinalia, and in a moment we were under weigh. + +I am not an expert motist, although at school I was a fairly good +hoop-driver, and the pedestrians I met and overtook had a bad time. One +man said, as he bound up a punctured thigh, that the Heat Ray of the +Martians was nothing compared with me. I was moting towards Leatherhead, +where my cousin lived, when the streak of light caused by the Third +Crinoline curdled the paraffin tank. Vain was it to throw water on the +troubled oil; the mischief was done. Meanwhile a storm broke. The +lightning flashed, the rain beat against my face, the night was +exceptionally dark, and to add to my difficulties the motor took the +wick between its teeth and fairly bolted. + +No one who has never seen an automobile during a spasm of motor ataxy +can have any idea of what I suffered. I held the middle of the way for a +few yards, but just opposite Uxbridge Road Station I turned the wheel +hard a-port, and the motor car overturned. Two men sprang from nowhere, +as men will, and sat on its occiput, while I crawled into Uxbridge Road +Station and painfully descended the stairs. + +I found the platform empty save for a colony of sturdy little newsboys, +whose stalwart determination to live filled me with admiration, which I +was enjoying until a curious sibillation beneath the bookstall stirred +me with panic. + +Suddenly, from under a bundle of _British Weeklies_, there emerged a +head, and gradually a man crawled out. It was the Artilleryman. + +"I'm burning hot," he said; "it's a touch of--what is it?--erethism." + +His voice was hoarse, and his Remarks, like the Man of Kent's, were +Rambling. + +"Where do you come from?" he said. + +"I come from Woking," I replied, "and my nature is Wobbly. I love my +love with a W because she is Woluptuous. I took her to the sign of the +Wombat and read her _The War of the Worlds_, and treated her to Winkles, +Winolia and Wimbos. Her name is Wenus, and she comes from the Milky +Way." + +He looked at me doubtfully, then shot out a pointed tongue. + +"It is you," he said, "the man from Woking. The Johnny what writes for +_Nature_. By the way," he interjected, "don't you think some of your +stuff is too--what is it?--esoteric? The man," he continued, "as killed +the curate in the last book. By the way, it _was_ you as killed the +curate?" + +"Artilleryman," I replied, "I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little +meat-chopper. And you, I presume, are the Artilleryman who attended my +lectures on the Eroticism of the Elasmobranch?" + +"That's me," he said; "but Lord, how you've changed. Only a fortnight +ago, and now you're stone-bald!" + +I stared, marvelling at his gift of perception. + +"What have you been living on?" I asked. + +"Oh," he said, "immature potatoes and Burgundy" (I give the catalogue so +precisely because it has nothing to do with the story), "uncooked steak +and limp lettuces, precocious carrots and Bartlett pears, and thirteen +varieties of fluid beef, which I cannot name except at the usual +advertisement rates." + +"But can you sleep after it?" said I. + +"Blimy! yes," he replied; "I'm fairly--what is it?--eupeptic." + +"It's all over with mankind," I muttered. + +"It _is_ all over," he replied. "The Wenuses 'ave only lost one +Crinoline, just one, and they keep on coming; they're falling somewhere +every night. Nothing's to be done. We're beat!" + +I made no answer. I sat staring, pulverised by the colossal +intellectuality of this untutored private. He had attended only three of +my lectures, and had never taken any notes. + +"This isn't a war," he resumed; "it never was a war. These 'ere Wenuses +they wants to be Mas, that's the long and the short of it. Only----" + +"Yes?" I said, more than ever impressed by the man's pyramidal +intuition. + +"They can't stand the climate. They're too--what is it?--exotic." + +We sat staring at each other. + +"And what will they do?" I humbly asked, grovelling unscientifically at +his feet. + +"That's what I've been thinking," said the gunner. "I ain't an +ornamental soldier, but I've a good deal of cosmic kinetic optimism, and +it's the cosmic kinetic optimist what comes through. Now these Wenuses +don't want to wipe _us_ all out. It's the women they want to +exterminate. They want to collar the men, and you'll see that after a +bit they'll begin catching us, picking the best, and feeding us up in +cages and men-coops." + +"Good heavens!" I exclaimed; "but you _are_ a man of genius indeed," and +I flung my arms around his neck. + +"Steady on!" he said; "don't be so--what is it?--ebullient." + +"And what then?" I asked, when my emotion had somewhat subsided. + +"Then," said he, "the others must be wary. You and I are mean little +cusses: we shall get off. They won't want _us_. And what do we do? Take +to the drains!" He looked at me triumphantly. + +Quailing before his glory of intellect, I fainted. + +"Are you sure?" I managed to gasp, on recovering consciousness. + +"Yes," he said, "sewer. The drains are the places for you and me. Then +we shall play cricket--a narrow drain makes a wonderful pitch--and read +the good books--not poetry swipes, and stuff like that, but good books. +That's where men like you come in. Your books are the sort: _The Time +Machine_, and _Round the World in Eighty Days, The Wonderful Wisit_, and +_From the Earth to the Moon_, and----" + +"Stop!" I cried, nettled at his stupidity. "You are confusing another +author and myself." + +"Was I?" he said, "that's rum, but I always mix you up with the man you +admire so much--Jools Werne. And," he added with a sly look, "you _do_ +admire him, don't you?" + +In a flash I saw the man plain. He was a critic. I knew my duty at once: +I must kill him. I did not want to kill him, because I had already +killed enough--the curate in the last book, and the Examiner and the +landlord of the "Dog and Measles" in this,--but an author alone with a +critic in deserted London! What else could I do? + +He seemed to divine my thought. + +"There's some immature champagne in the cellar," he said. + +"No," I replied, thinking aloud; "too slow, too slow." + +He endeavoured to pacify me. + +"Let me teach you a game," he said. + +He taught me one--he taught me several. We began with "Spadille," we +ended with "Halma" and "Snap," for parliament points. That is to say, +instead of counters we used M.Ps. Grotesque and foolish as this will +seem to the sober reader, it is absolutely true. Strange mind of man! +that, with our species being mashed all around, we could sit following +the chance of this painted pasteboard. + +Afterwards we tried "Tiddleywinks" and "Squails," and I beat him so +persistently that both sides of the House were mine and my geniality +entirely returned. He might have been living to this hour had he not +mentioned something about the brutality of _The Island of Dr. Moreau_. +That settled it. I had heard that absurd charge once too often, and +raising my Blaisdell binaural stethoscope I leaped upon him. With one +last touch of humanity, I turned the orbicular ivory plate towards him +and struck him to the earth. + +At that moment fell the Fourth Crinoline. + + + + +III. + +THE TEA-TRAY IN WESTBOURNE GROVE. + + +My wife's plan of campaign was simple but masterly. She would enlist an +army of enormous bulk, march on the Wenuses in Westbourne Grove, and +wipe them from the face of the earth. + +Such was my wife's project. My wife's first step was to obtain, as the +nucleus of attack, those women to whom the total loss of men would be +most disastrous. They flocked to my wife's banner, which was raised in +Regent's Park, in front of the pavilion where tea is provided by a +maternal County Council. + +My mother, who joined the forces and therefore witnessed the muster, +tells me it was a most impressive sight. My wife, in a nickel-plated +Russian blouse, trimmed with celluloid pom-pons, aluminium pantaloons, +and a pair of Norwegian _Skis_, looked magnificent. + +An old Guard, primed with recent articles from the _Queen_ by Mrs. Lynn +Linton, marched in a place of honour; and a small squadron of confirmed +misogynists, recruited from the Athenaeum, the Travellers' and the +Senior United Service Clubs, who professed themselves to be completely +Mash-proof, were in charge of the ambulance. The members of the Ladies' +Kennel Club, attended by a choice selection of carefully-trained Chows, +Schipperkes, Whippets and Griffons, garrisoned various outposts. + +The Pioneers joined my wife's ranks with some hesitation. The prospects +of a world depleted of men did not seem (says my mother) to fill them +with that consternation which was evident in my wife and her more +zealous lieutenants. But after a heated discussion at the Club-house, +which was marked by several resignations, it was decided to join in the +attack. A regiment of Pioneers therefore, marching to the battle-chant +of Walt Whitman's "Pioneers, O Pioneers!" brought up (says my mother) +the rear. + +The march of my wife's troops was a most impressive sight. Leaving +Regent's Park by the Clarence Gate, they passed down Upper Baker Street, +along Marylebone Road into Edgware Road. Here the troops divided. One +detachment hastened to Queen's Road, by way of Praed Street, Craven +Road, Craven Hill, Leinster Terrace and the Bayswater Road, with the +purpose of approaching Whiteley's from the South; the other half marched +direct to Westbourne Grove, along Paddington Green Road to Bishop's +Road. + +Thus, according to my wife's plan, the Wenuses would be between the two +wings of the army and escape would be impossible. + +Everything was done as my wife had planned. The two detachments reached +their destination almost simultaneously. My wife, with the northern +wing, was encamped in Bishop's Road, Westbourne Grove and Pickering +Place. My mother, with the southern wing (my wife shrewdly kept the +command in the family), filled Queen's Road from Whiteley's to Moscow +Road. My mother, who has exquisite taste in armour, had donned a superb +Cinque-Cento cuirass, a short Zouave jacket embroidered with sequins, +accordion-pleated bloomers, luminous leggings, brown Botticelli boots +and one tiger-skin spat. + +Between the two hosts was the empty road before the Universal Provider's +Emporium. The Wenuses were within the building. By the time my wife's +warriors were settled and had completed the renovation of their toilets +it was high noon. + +My wife had never imagined that any delay would occur: she had expected +to engage with the enemy at once and have done with it, and consequently +brought no provisions and no protection from the sun, which poured down +a great bulk of pitiless beams. + +The absence of Wenuses and of any sound betokening their activity was +disconcerting. However, my wife thought it best to lay siege to +Whiteley's rather than to enter the establishment. + +The army therefore waited. + +The heat became intense. My wife and her soldiers began to feel the +necessity for refreshment. My wife is accustomed to regular meals. The +sun grew in strength as the time went on, and my wife gave the order to +sit at ease, which was signalled to my mother. My mother tells me that +she was never so pleased in her life. + +One o'clock struck; two o'clock; three o'clock; and still no Wenuses. +Faint sounds were now audible from the crockery department, and then a +hissing, which passed by degrees into a humming, a long, loud droning +noise. It resembled as nearly as anything the boiling of an urn at a +tea-meeting, and awoke in the breasts of my wife and her army an intense +and unconquerable longing for tea, which was accentuated as four o'clock +was reached. Still no Wenuses. Another hour dragged wearily on, and the +craving for tea had become positively excruciating when five o'clock +rang out. + +At that moment, the glass doors of the crockery department were flung +open, and out poured a procession of Wenuses smiling, said my mother, +with the utmost friendliness, dressed as A.B.C. girls, and bearing trays +studded with cups and saucers. + +With the most seductive and ingratiating charm, a cup was handed to my +wife. What to do she did not for the moment know. "Could such a gift be +guileless?" she asked herself. "No." And yet the Wenuses looked +friendly. Finally her martial spirit prevailed and my wife repulsed the +cup, adjuring the rank and file to do the same. But in vain. Every +member of my wife's wing of that fainting army greedily grasped a cup. +Alas! what could they know of the deadly Tea-Tray of the Wenuses? +Nothing, absolutely nothing, such is the disgraceful neglect of science +in our schools and colleges. And so they drank and were consumed. + +Meanwhile my mother, at the head of the south wing of the army, which +had been entirely overlooked by the Wenuses, stood watching the +destruction of my wife's host--a figure petrified with alarm and +astonishment. One by one she watched her sisters in arms succumb to the +awful Tea-Tray. + +Then it was that this intrepid woman rose to her greatest height. + +"Come!" she cried to her Amazons. "Come! They have no more tea left. Now +is the moment ripe." + +With these spirited words, my mother and her troops proceeded to charge +down Queen's Road upon the unsuspecting Wenuses. + +But they had reckoned without the enemy. + +The tumult of the advancing host caught the ear of the Wonderful +Wisitors, and in an instant they had extracted glittering cases of their +crimson cigarettes from their pockets, and lighting them in the strange +fashion I have described elsewhere, they proceeded to puff the smoke +luxuriously into the faces of my mother and her comrades. + +Alas! little did these gallant females know of the horrible properties +of the Red Weed. How could they, with our science-teaching in such a +wretched state? + +The smoke grew in volume and density, spread and spread, and in a few +minutes the south wing of my wife's army was as supine as the north. + +How my wife and mother escaped I shall not say. I make a point of never +explaining the escape of my wife, whether from Martians or Wenuses; but +that night, as Commander-in-Chief, she issued this cataleptic despatch: + + "The Wenuses are able to paralyse all but strong-minded women + with their deadly Tea-Tray. Also they burn a Red Weed, the + smoke of which has smothered our troops in Westbourne Grove. No + sooner have they despoiled Whiteley's than they will advance + upon Jay's and Marshall and Snelgrove's. It is impossible to + stop them. There is no safety from the Tea-Tray and the Red + Weed but in instant flight." + +That night the world was again lit by a pale pink flash of light. It was +the Fifth Crinoline. + + + + +IV. + +WRECKAGE. + + +The general stampede that ensued on the publication of my wife's +despatch is no fit subject for the pen of a coherent scientific writer. +Suffice it to say, that in the space of twenty-four hours London was +practically empty, with the exception of the freaks at Barnum's, the +staff of _The Undertakers' Gazette_, and Mrs. Elphinstone (for that, +_pace_ Wilkie Collins, was the name of the Woman in White), who would +listen to no reasoning, but kept calling upon "George," for that was the +name of my cousin's man, who had been in the service of Lord Garrick, +the Chief Justice, who had succumbed to dipsomania in the previous +invasion. + +Meantime the Wenuses, flushed with their success in Westbourne Grove, +had carried their devastating course in a south-easterly direction, +looting Marshall and Snelgrove's, bearing away the entire stock of +driving-gloves from Sleep's and subjecting Redfern's to the asphyxiating +fumes of the Red Weed. + +It is calculated that they spent nearly two days in Jay's, trying on all +the costumes in that establishment, and a week in Peter Robinson's. +During these days I never quitted Uxbridge Road Station, for just as I +was preparing to leave, my eye caught the title on the bookstall of +Grant Allen's work, _The Idea of Evolution!_ and I could not stir from +the platform until I had skimmed it from cover to cover. + +Wearily mounting the stairs, I then turned my face westward. At the +corner of Royal Crescent, just by the cabstand, I found a man lying in +the roadway. His face was stained with the Red Weed, and his language +was quite unfit for the columns of _Nature_. + +I applied a limp lettuce to his fevered brow, took his temperature with +my theodolite, and pressing a copy of _Home Chat_ into his unresisting +hand, passed on with a sigh. I think I should have stayed with him but +for the abnormal obtusity of his facial angle. + +Turning up Clarendon Road, I heard the faint words of the Wenusberg +music by Wagner from a pianoforte in the second story of No. 34. I +stepped quickly into a jeweller's shop across the road, carried off +eighteen immature carats from a tray on the counter, and pitched them +through the open window at the invisible pianist. The music ceased +suddenly. + +It was when I began to ascend Notting Hill that I first heard the +hooting. It reminded me at first of a Siren, and then of the top note of +my maiden aunt, in her day a notorious soprano vocalist. She +subsequently emigrated to France, and entered a nunnery under the +religious name of Soeur Marie Jeanne. "Tul-ulla-lulla-liety," wailed the +Voice in a sort of superhuman jodel, coming, as it seemed to me, from +the region of Westminster Bridge. + +The persistent ululation began to get upon my nerves. I found, moreover, +that I was again extremely hungry and thirsty. It was already noon. Why +was I wandering alone in this derelict city, clad in my wife's skirt and +my cook's Sunday bonnet? + +Grotesque and foolish as it may seem to the scientific reader, I was +entirely unable to answer this simple conundrum. My mind reverted to my +school days. I found myself declining _musa_. Curious to relate, I had +entirely forgotten the genitive of _ego_.... With infinite trouble I +managed to break into a vegetarian restaurant, and made a meal off some +precocious haricot beans, a brace of Welsh rabbits, and ten bottles of +botanic beer. + +Working back into Holland Park Avenue and thence keeping steadily along +High Street, Notting Hill Gate, I determined to make my way to the +Marble Arch, in the hopes of finding some fresh materials for my studies +in the Stone Age. + +In Bark Place, where the Ladies' Kennel Club had made their vast +grand-stand, were a number of pitiful vestiges of the Waterloo of +women-kind. There was a shattered Elswick bicycle, about sixteen yards +and a half of nun's veiling, and fifty-three tortoise-shell side-combs. +I gazed on the _débris_ with apathy mingled with contempt. My movements +were languid, my plans of the vaguest. I knew that I wished to avoid my +wife, but had no clear idea how the avoiding was to be done. + + + + +V. + +BUBBLES. + + +From Orme Square, a lean-faced, unkempt and haggard waif, I drifted to +Great Orme's Head and back again. Senile dementia had already laid its +spectral clutch upon my wizened cerebellum when I was rescued by some +kindly people, who tell me that they found me scorching down Hays Hill +on a cushion-tired ordinary. They have since told me that I was singing +"My name is John Wellington Wells, Hurrah!" and other snatches from a +pre-Wenusian opera. + +These generous folk, though severely harassed by their own anxieties, +took me in and cared for me. I was a lonely man and a sad one, and they +bored me. In spite of my desire to give public expression to my +gratitude, they have refused to allow their names to appear in these +pages, and they consequently enjoy the proud prerogative of being the +only anonymous persons in this book. I stayed with them at the Bath Club +for four days, and with tears parted from them on the spring-board. They +would have kept me for ever, but that would have interfered with my +literary plans. Besides, I had a morbid desire to gaze on the Wenuses +once more. + +And so I went out into the streets again, guided by the weird Voice, and +_viâ_ Grafton Street, Albemarle Street, the Royal Arcade, Bond Street, +Burlington Gardens, Vigo Street and Sackville Street, Piccadilly, Regent +Street, Pall Mall East, Cockspur Street and Whitehall, steadily wheeled +my way across Westminster Bridge. + +There were few people about and their skins were all yellow. Lessing, +presumably in his _Laocoon_, has attributed this to the effects of sheer +panic; but Carver's explanation, which attributes the ochre-like tint to +the hypodermic operation of the Mash-Glance, seems far more plausible. +For myself I abstain from casting the weight of my support in either +scale, because my particular province is speculative philosophy and not +comparative dermatology. + +As I passed St. Thomas's Hospital, the tullululation grew ever louder +and louder. At last the source of the sound could no longer be +disguised. It proceeded without doubt from the interior of some soap +works just opposite Doulton's. The gate was open and a faint saponaceous +exhalation struck upon my dilated nostrils. I have always been +peculiarly susceptible to odours, though my particular province is not +Osmetics but speculative philosophy, and I at once resolved to enter. +Leaning my bicycle against the wall of the archway, I walked in, and was +immediately confronted by the object of my long search. + +There, grouped picturesquely round a quantity of large tanks, stood the +Wenuses, blowing assiduously through pellucid pipettes and +simultaneously chanting in tones of unearthly gravity a strain +poignantly suggestive of baffled hopes, thwarted aspirations and +impending departure. So absorbed were they in their strange +preparations, that they were entirely unconscious of my presence. +Grotesque and foolish as this may seem to the infatuated reader, it is +absolutely true. + +Gradually from out the troubled surface of the tanks there rose a +succession of transparent iridescent globules, steadily waxing in bulk +until they had attained a diameter of about sixteen feet. The Wenuses +then desisted from their labours of inflation, and suddenly plunging +into the tanks, reappeared _inside_ these opalescent globules. I can +only repeat that speculative philosophy, and not sapoleaginous +hydro-dynamics, is my particular forte, and would refer doubtful +readers, in search of further information, to the luminous hypothesis +advanced by Professor Cleaver of Washington to account for the +imbullification of the Wenuses.[1] + +Never shall I forget the touching scene that now unfolded itself before +my bewildered eyes. Against a back ground of lemon-coloured sky, with +the stars shedding their spiritual lustre through the purple twilight, +these gorgeous creatures, each ensphered in her beatific bubble, floated +tremulously upward on the balmy breeze. In a moment it all flashed upon +me. They were passing away from the scene of their brief triumph, and I, +a lonely and dejected scientist, saw myself doomed to expiate a moment's +madness in long years of ineffectual speculation on the probable +development of Moral Ideas. + +My mind reverted to my abandoned arguments, embodied in the article +which lay beneath the selenite paperweight in my study in Campden Hill +Gardens. Frenzied with despair, I shot out an arm to arrest the upward +transit of the nearest Wenus, when a strange thing occurred. + +"At last!" said a voice. + +I was startled. It was my wife, accompanied by Mrs. Elphinstone, my +cousin's man, my mother, the widow of the landlord of the "Dog and +Measles," Master Herodotus Tibbles in deep mourning, and the +Artillery-man's brother from Beauchamp's little livery stables. + +I shot an appealing glance to the disappearing Wenus. She threw me a +kiss. I threw her another. + +My wife took a step forward, and put her hand to my ear. I fell. + +[Footnote 1: Cleaver in a subsequent Memoir [Sonnenschein, London, pp. +xiv., 954, 20 in. x 8-1/2, price £2 2s. net] has made out, reluctantly +and against the judgment of his firm, that the basic material of the +globules, the peculiar tenacity of which was due to some toughening +ingredient imported by the Wisitors from their planet, was undoubtedly +that indispensable domestic article which is alleged to "save rubbing."] + + + + +APPENDIX A. + + + + +APPENDIX A. + + +My mother, whose vigilance during the Wenuses' invasion has been +throughout of the greatest assistance to me, kept copies of the various +papers of importance which commented upon that event. From them I am +enabled, with my mother's consent, to supplement the allusions to +contemporary journalism in the body of my history with the following +extracts:-- + +The _Times_, or, as it is better known, the Thunder Child of Printing +House Square, said: + +"The Duke of Curzon's statesmanlike reply in the House of Lords last +night to the inflammatory question or string of questions put by Lord +Ashmead with reference to our planetary visitors will go far to mitigate +the unreasoning panic which has laid hold of a certain section of the +community. As to the methods by which it has been proposed to confront +and repel the invaders, the Duke's remark, 'that the use of dynamite +violated the chivalrous instincts which were at the root of the British +Nature,' called forth loud applause. The Foreign Secretary, however, +showed that, while deprecating senseless panic, he was ready to take any +reasonable steps to allay the natural anxiety of the public, and rising +later on in the evening, he announced that a Royal Commission had been +appointed, on which Lord Ashmead, Dr. Joseph Parker (of the City +Temple), and Mr. Hall Caine, representing the Isle of Man, had consented +to serve, and would be dispatched without delay to Kensington Gardens to +inquire into the cause of the visit, and, if possible, to induce the new +comers to accept an invitation to tea on the Terrace. By way of +supplementing these tranquillizing assurances, we may add that we have +the authority of the best scientific experts, including Dr. Moreau, +Professor Sprudelkopf of Carlsbad, and Dr. Fountain Penn of +Philadelphia, for asserting that no animate beings could survive their +transference from the atmosphere of Venus to that of our planet for more +than fourteen days. It is to be hoped, therefore, that the members of +the Royal Commission may be successful in impressing upon our aërial +visitors the imperative necessity of a speedy return. In these +negotiations it is anticipated that the expressive pantomime of Dr. +Parker, and Mr. Hall Caine's mastery of the Manx dialect, will be of the +greatest possible assistance." + +To the _Daily Telegraph_ Sir Edwin Arnold contributed a poem entitled +"Aphrodite Anadyomené; or, Venus at the Round Pond." My mother can +remember only the last stanza, which ran as follows: + + "Though I fly to _Fushiyama_, + Steeped in opalescent _Karma_, + I shall ne'er forget my charmer, + My adorable _Khansamah_. + Though I fly to Tokio, + Where the sweet _chupatties_ blow, + I shall ne'er forget thee, no! + _Yamagata, daimio_." + +A shilling testimonial to the Wenuses was also started by the same +journal, in accordance with the precedent furnished by the similar +treatment of the Graces, and an animated controversy raged in its +correspondence columns with reference to mixed bathing at Margate, and +its effect on the morality of the Wenuses. + +A somewhat painful impression was created by the publication of an +interview with a well-known dramatic critic in the periodical known as +_Great Scott's Thoughts_. This eminent authority gave it as his +unhesitating opinion that the Wenuses were not fit persons to associate +with actors, actresses, or dramatic critics, and that if, as was +announced, they had been engaged at Covent Garden to lend realistic +verisimilitude to the Venusberg scene in _Tannhäuser_, it was his firm +resolve to give up his long crusade against Ibsen, emigrate to Norway, +and change his name to that of John Gabriel Borkman. A prolonged sojourn +in Poppyland, however, resulted in the withdrawal of this dreadful +threat, and, some few weeks after the extinction of the Wenuses, his +reconciliation with the dramatic profession was celebrated at a public +meeting, where, after embracing all the actor-managers in turn, he was +presented by them with a magnificent silver butter-boat, filled to the +brim with melted butter ready for immediate use. + + + + +APPENDIX B. + + + + +APPENDIX B. + + +My mother has obtained permission from the Laureate's publishers to +reprint the following stanzas from "The Pale Pink Raid":-- + + "Wrong? O of coarse it's heinous, + But we're going, girls, you just bet! + Do they think that the Wars of Wenus + Can be stopped by an epithet? + When the henpecked Earth-men pray us + To join them at afternoon tea, + Not rhyme nor reason can stay us + From flying to set them free. + + * * * * * + + "When the men on that hapless planet, + Handsome and kind and true, + Cry out, 'Hurry up!' O hang it! + What else can a Wenus do? + I suppose it was rather bad form, girls, + But really we didn't care, + For our planet was growing too warm, girls, + And we wanted a change of air. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. Grundy may go on snarling, + But still, at the Judgment Day, + The author of _England's Darling_ + I think won't give us away. + We failed, but we chose to chance it, + And as one of the beaten side, + I'd rather have made that transit + Than written _Jameson's Ride!_" + + THE END. + + +PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WAR OF THE WENUSES*** + + +******* This file should be named 14678-8.txt or 14678-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/6/7/14678 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/old/14678-8.zip b/old/14678-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7cc3ef2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14678-8.zip diff --git a/old/14678.txt b/old/14678.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..676f4e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14678.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1838 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The War of the Wenuses, by C. L. Graves and +E. V. Lucas + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The War of the Wenuses + +Author: C. L. Graves and E. V. Lucas + +Release Date: January 13, 2005 [eBook #14678] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WAR OF THE WENUSES*** + + +E-text prepared by David Starner, Edna Badalian, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +THE WAR OF THE WENUSES + +by + +C. L. GRAVES AND E. V. LUCAS + +Reprint of the 1898 ed. published by J. W. Arrowsmith +Bristol, Eng. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF THE INVISIBLE AUTHOR. +(From a Negative by THE SPECTROSCOPIC Co.)] + + + + +THE WAR OF THE WENUSES + +Translated from the Artesian of H. G. Pozzuoli + +Author of _The Treadmill_, _The Isthmus of Dr. Day_, _The Vanishing +Lady_, etc., etc. + +by + +C. L. GRAVES AND E. V. LUCAS + + + + +"Not novels and poetry swipes, but ideas, science, books" +_The Artilleryman_ + + + +[Illustration: Arrowsmith colophon] + + + +TO + +H. G. WELLS + +THIS OUTRAGE +ON A FASCINATING AND CONVINCING +ROMANCE + + + + +CONTENTS + + +BOOK I.--The Coming of the Wenuses. + +Chapter + + I. "JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE, MOTHER" + + II. THE FALLING STAR + +III. THE CRINOLINE EXPANDS + + IV. HOW I REACHED HOME + + + +BOOK II.--London Under the Wenuses. + + I. THE DEATH OF THE EXAMINER + + II. THE MAN AT UXBRIDGE ROAD + +III. THE TEA-TRAY IN WESTBOURNE GROVE + + IV. WRECKAGE + + V. BUBBLES + + + APPENDIX A + + APPENDIX B + + + + +BOOK I. + +The Coming of the Wenuses. + + + + +The Coming of the Wenuses. + + * * * * * + + + + +I. + +"JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE, MOTHER." + + +No one would have believed in the first years of the twentieth century +that men and modistes on this planet were being watched by intelligences +greater than woman's and yet as ambitious as her own. With infinite +complacency maids and matrons went to and fro over London, serene in the +assurance of their empire over man. It is possible that the mysticetus +does the same. Not one of them gave a thought to Wenus as a source of +danger, or thought of it only to dismiss the idea of active rivalry upon +it as impossible or improbable. Yet across the gulf of space astral +women, with eyes that are to the eyes of English women as diamonds are +to boot-buttons, astral women, with hearts vast and warm and +sympathetic, were regarding Butterick's with envy, Peter Robinson's with +jealousy, and Whiteley's with insatiable yearning, and slowly and surely +maturing their plans for a grand inter-stellar campaign. + +The pale pink planet Wenus, as I need hardly inform the sober reader, +revolves round the sun at a mean distance of [character: Venus sigil] +vermillion miles. More than that, as has been proved by the recent +observations of Puits of Paris, its orbit is steadily but surely +advancing sunward. That is to say, it is rapidly becoming too hot for +clothes to be worn at all; and this, to the Wenuses, was so alarming a +prospect that the immediate problem of life became the discovery of new +quarters notable for a gentler climate and more copious fashions. The +last stage of struggle-for-dress, which is to us still remote, had +embellished their charms, heightened their heels and enlarged their +hearts. Moreover, the population of Wenus consisted exclusively of +Invisible Men--and the Wenuses were about tired of it. Let us, however, +not judge them too harshly. Remember what ruthless havoc our own species +has wrought, not only on animals such as the Moa and the Maori, but upon +its own inferior races such as the Wanishing Lady and the Dodo Bensonii. + +The Wenuses seem to have calculated their descent with quite un-feminine +accuracy. Had our instruments permitted it, we might have witnessed +their preparations. Similarly pigs, had they wings, might fly. Men like +Quellen of Dresden watched the pale pink planet--it is odd, by the way, +that for countless centuries Wenus has been the star of Eve--evening by +evening growing alternately paler and pinker than a literary agent, but +failed to interpret the extraordinary phenomena, resembling a series of +powder puffs, which he observed issuing from the cardiac penumbra on the +night of April 1st, 1902. At the same time a great light was remarked by +Idos of Yokohama and Pegadiadis of Athens. + +The storm burst upon us six weeks later, about the time of the summer +sales. As Wenus approached opposition, Dr. Jelli of Guava set the wires +of the astronomical exchange palpitating with the intelligence of a huge +explosion of laughing gas moving risibly towards the earth. He compared +it to a colossal cosmic cachinnation. And, in the light of subsequent +events, the justice of the comparison will commend itself to all but the +most sober readers. + +Had it not been for my chance meeting with Swears, the eminent +astronomer and objurgationist, this book would never have been written. +He asked me down to our basement, which he rents from me as an +observatory, and in spite of all that has happened since I still +remember our wigil very distinctly. (I spell it with a "w" from an +inordinate affection for that letter.) Swears moved about, invisible but +painfully audible to my naked ear. The night was very warm, and I was +very thirsty. As I gazed through the syphon, the little star seemed +alternately to expand and contract, and finally to assume a sort of dual +skirt, but that was simply because my eye was tired. I remember how I +sat under the table with patches of green and crimson swimming before my +eyes. Grotesque and foolish as this may seem to the sober reader, it is +absolutely true. + +Swears watched till one, and then he gave it up. He was full of +speculations about the condition of Wenus. Swears' language was +extremely sultry. + +"The chances against anything lady-like on Wenus," he said, "are a +million to one." + +Even _Pearson's Weekly_ woke up to the disturbance at last, and Mrs. +Lynn Linton contributed an article entitled "What Women Might Do" to the +_Queen_. A paper called _Punch_, if I remember the name aright, made a +pun on the subject, which was partially intelligible with the aid of +italics and the laryngoscope. For my own part, I was too much occupied +in teaching my wife to ride a Bantam, and too busy upon a series of +papers in _Nature_ on the turpitude of the classical professoriate of +the University of London, to give my undivided attention to the +impending disaster. I cannot divide things easily; I am an indivisible +man. But one night I went for a bicycle ride with my wife. She _was_ a +Bantam of delight, I can tell you, but she rode very badly. It was +starlight, and I was attempting to explain the joke in the paper called, +if I recollect aright, _Punch_. It was an extraordinarily sultry night, +and I told her the names of all the stars she saw as she fell off her +machine. She had a good bulk of falls. There were lights in the upper +windows of the houses as the people went to bed. Grotesque and foolish +as this will seem to the sober reader, it is absolutely true. Coming +home, a party of bean-feasters from Wimbledon, Wormwood Scrubs, or +Woking passed us, singing and playing concertinas. It all seemed so safe +and tranquil. But the Wenuses were even then on their milky way. + + + + +II. + +THE FALLING STAR. + + +Then came the night of the first star. It was seen early in the morning +rushing over Winchester; leaving a gentle frou-frou behind it. Trelawny, +of the Wells' Observatory, the greatest authority on Meteoric +Crinolines, watched it anxiously. Winymann, the publisher, who sprang to +fame by the publication of _The War of the Worlds_, saw it from his +office window, and at once telegraphed to me: "Materials for new book in +the air." That was the first hint I received of the wonderful wisit. + +I lived in those days at 181a Campden Hill Gardens. It is the house +opposite the third lamp-post on the right as you walk east. It was of +brick and slate, with a party-wall, and two spikes were wanting to the +iron railings. When the telegram came I was sitting in my study writing +a discussion on the atomic theory of Krelli of Balmoral. I at once +changed the Woking jacket in which I was writing for evening +dress--which wanted, I remember, a button--and hastened to the Park. I +did not tell my wife anything about it. I did not care to have her with +me. In all such adventures I find her more useful as a sentimental +figure in the background--I, of course, allow no sentiment in the +foreground--than an active participant. + +On the way I met Swears, returning from breakfast with our mutual +friend, Professor Heat Ray Lankester--they had had Lee-Metford sardines +and Cairns marmalade, he told me,--and we sought the meteor together. + +Find it we did in Kensington Gardens. An enormous dimple had been made +by the impact of the projectile, which lay almost buried in the earth. +Two or three trees, broken by its fall, sprawled on the turf. Among this +_debris_ was the missile; resembling nothing so much as a huge +crinoline. At the moment we reached the spot P.C. A581 was ordering it +off; and Henry Pearson, aged 28 (no fixed abode), and Martha Griffin, +aged 54, of Maybury Tenements, were circulating among the crowd offering +matches for sale. They have nothing to do with this story, but their +names and addresses make for verisimilitude; or at least, I hope so. In +case they do not, let me add that Mary Griffin wore a blue peignoir +which had seen better days, and Herbert Pearson's matches struck +everywhere except on the box. + +With a mental flash we linked the Crinoline with the powder puffs on +Wenus. Approaching it more nearly, we heard a hissing noise within, such +as is made by an ostler, or Mr. Daimler grooming his motor car. + +"Good heavens!" said Swears, "there's a horse in it. Can't you hear? He +must be half-roasted." + +So saying he rushed off, fraught with pity, to inform the Secretary of +the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals; while I hurried +away to tell Pendriver the journalist, proposing in my own mind, I +recollect, that he should give me half the profits on the article. + +Pendriver the journalist, so called to distinguish him from Hoopdriver +the cyclist, was working in his garden. He does the horticultural column +for one of the large dailies. + +"You've read about the disturbances in Venus?" I cried. + +"What!" said Pendriver. He is as deaf as the _Post_, the paper he writes +for. + +"You've read about Venus?" I asked again. + +"No," he said, "I've never been to Venice." + +"Venus!" I bawled, "Venus!" + +"Yes," said Pendriver, "Venus. What about it?" + +"Why," I said, "there are people from Venus in Kensington Gardens." + +"Venus in Kensington Gardens!" he replied. "No, it's not Venus; it's the +Queen." + +I began to get angry. + +"Not the statue," I shouted. "Wisitors from Wenus. Make copy. Come and +see! Copy! Copy!" + +The word "copy" galvanised him, and he came, spade and all. We quickly +crossed the Park once more. Pendriver lives to the west of it, in +Strathmore Gardens, and has a special permit from his landlord to dig. +We did not, for sufficient reasons, converse much. Many persons were now +hastening towards the strange object. Among them I noticed Jubal Gregg +the butcher (who fortunately did not observe me--we owed him a trifle of +eighteen shillings, and had since taken to Canterbury lamb from the +Colonial Meat Stores), and a jobbing gardener, whom I had not recently +paid. I forget his name, but he was lame in the left leg: a ruddy man. + +Quite a crowd surrounded the Crinoline when we arrived, and in addition +to the match-vendors already mentioned, there was now Giuseppe +Mandolini, from Leather Lane, with an accordion and a monkey. Monkeys +are of course forbidden in Kensington Gardens, and how he eluded the +police I cannot imagine. Most of the people were staring quietly at the +Crinoline, totally unaware of its significance. Scientific knowledge has +not progressed at Kensington by the same leaps and bounds as at Woking. +Extra-terrestrial had less meaning for them than extra-special. + +We found Swears hard at work keeping the crowd from touching the +Crinoline. With him was a tall, red-haired man, who I afterwards learnt +was Lee-Bigge, the Secretary of the Society for the Prevention of +Cruelty to Animals. He had a summons and several officials with him, and +was standing on the Crinoline, bellowing directions in a clear, rich +voice, occasionally impeded by emotion, like an ox with a hiccough. + +As soon as Swears saw me, he asked me to bring a policeman to assist him +to keep back the crowd; and I went away, proud to be so honoured, to +find one. I was unsuccessful. P.C. A581 had gone off duty; but another +constable, I was told, had been seen, an hour or so earlier, asleep +against the railings,--it was a baker's boy who told me, just back from +delivering muffins in St. Mary Abbot's Terrace,--and had since wandered +in the direction of the Albert Hall. I followed, but could not see him +in any of the areas, and therefore returned slowly by way of Queen's +Gate, Cromwell Road, Earl's Court Road, and Kensington High Street, +hoping to meet another; and as it was then about noon, I entered an +A.B.C. and had half a pork-pie and a bucket of Dr. Jaeger's Vi-cocolate. +I remember the circumstance distinctly, because feeling rather hungry +and wishing to vary the _menu_, I asked the girl for half a veal-and-ham +pie and she brought me the balance of the original pasty; and when I +remonstrated, she said that her directors recognised no essential +difference between veal-and-ham and pork. + + + + +III. + +THE CRINOLINE EXPANDS. + + +When I returned to the Gardens the sun was at his zenith. The crowd +around the Crinoline had increased and some sort of a struggle seemed to +be going on. As I drew near I heard Lee-Bigge's voice: + +"Keep back! keep back!" + +A boy came running towards me. + +"It's a-movin'," he said to me as he passed; "a-blowin' and a-blowin' +out. Now we shan't be long!" Passing on, I saw that it was indeed +expanding. The ribs were more distended and the covering more tightly +stretched. The hissing had ceased and a creaking noise had taken its +place. There was evidently great pressure within. Once something +resembling an _en tout cas_ was thrust through the top, making what was +presumably an attempt to dislodge Lee-Bigge, and then suddenly the +Crinoline burst, revealing a wision of ultra-mundane loveliness. + +I shall not attempt exhaustively to describe the indescribable. It is +enough to assure the sober reader that, grotesque and foolish as it may +seem, this is absolutely true, and to record that after the glimpse I +had of the Wenuses emerging from the Crinoline in which they had come to +the earth from their planet, a kind of fascination paralysed my actions. +All other men in the crowd seemed to be similarly affected. We were +battle-grounds of love and curiosity. For the Wenuses were gorgeous: +that is the sum of the matter. + +Those who have never seen a living Wenus (there is a specimen in fairly +good spirits in the Natural History Museum) can scarcely imagine the +strange beauty of their appearance. The peculiar W-shaped mouth, the +incessant nictitation of the sinister eyelid, the naughty little twinkle +in the eye itself, the glistening glory of the arms, each terminating in +a fleshy digitated Handling Machine resembling more than anything else a +Number 6 glove inflated with air (these members, by the way, have since +been named rather aptly by that distinguished anatomist and original +dog, Professor Howes, the _hands_)--all combined to produce an effect +akin to stupefaction. I stood there ecstatic, unprogressive, immoderate; +while swiftly and surely ungovernable affection for all Wenuses gripped +me. + +Meanwhile I heard inarticulate exclamations on all sides. + +"Shameless hussies!" cried a woman near me. + +"By Jove, that's something like!" said a young man who had been reading +Captain Coe's finals, swinging round towards the Crinoline, with one +foot arrested in mid-air. + +My inclination when I recovered partial self-possession was to make +instantly for the Crinoline and avow my devotion and allegiance, but at +that moment I caught the eye of my wife, who had followed me to the +Park, and I hastily turned my back on the centre of attraction. I saw, +however, that Pendriver was using his spade to cleave his way to the +Wenuses; and Swears was standing on the brink of the pit transfixed with +adoration; while a young shopman from Woking, in town for the day, +completely lost his head. It came bobbing over the grass to my very +feet; but I remembered the experiences of Pollock and the Porroh man and +let it go. + +The news of our visitors seemed to have spread by some subtle magic, for +in every direction I could see nothing but running men, some with women +pulling at their sleeves and coat-tails to detain them, advancing by +great strides towards us. Even a policeman was among them, rubbing his +eyes. My wife broke through the crowd and grasped me firmly by the arm. + +"Pozzy," she said, "this is my opportunity and I mean to use it. I was +kept doing nothing between pages 68 and 296 of the other book, and this +time I mean to work. Look at these fools rushing to their doom. In +another moment they will be mashed, mashed to jelly; and you too, unless +I prevent it. I know what these Wenuses are. Haven't I had a scientific +training? You will be mashed, I tell you--mashed!" + +So saying she banged on the ground with her umbrella, which, I remember +now with sorrow, we had bought the week before at Derry and Toms' for +five-and-eleven-three. + +Meanwhile a few of the men had to some extent recovered, and headed by +the R.S.P.C.A. Secretary had formed a deputation, and were busy talking +on their fingers to the Wenuses. But the Wenuses were too much occupied +in dropping into each other's eyes something from a bright flask, which +I took to be Beggarstaffs' Elect Belladonna, to heed them. + +I turned in response to a tug at my swallow-tails from my wife, and when +I looked again a row of Wenuses with closed lids stood before the +Crinoline. Suddenly they opened their eyes and flashed them on the men +before them. The effect was instantaneous. The deputation, as the glance +touched them, fell like skittles--viscous, protoplasmic masses, victims +of the terrible Mash-Glance of the Wenuses. + +I attributed my own escape to the prompt action of my wife, who stood +before and shielded me, for upon women the Mash-Glance had no effect. +The ray must have missed me only by a second, for my elbow which was not +wholly covered by my wife's bulk was scorched, and my hat has never +since recovered its pristine gloss. Turning, I saw a bus-driver in +Knightsbridge leap up and explode, while his conductor clutched at the +rail, missed it and fell overboard; farther still, on the distant +horizon, the bricklayers on a gigantic scaffolding went off bang against +the lemon-yellow of the sky as the glance reached them, and the +Bachelors' Club at Albert Gate fell with a crash. All this had happened +with such swiftness, that I was dumbfounded. Then, after a few moments, +my wife slowly and reluctantly stepped aside and allowed me to survey +the scene. The Wenuses, having scored their first victory, once more had +retired into the recesses of the Crinoline. The ground for some distance +was littered with the bodies of the mashed; I alone among men stood +erect, my conscious companions being a sprinkling of women, pictures of +ungovernable fury. + +Yet my feeling was not one of joy at my escape. Strange mind of +man!--instead, even with the Wenuses' victims lying all around me, my +heart went out to the Crinoline and its astral occupants. I, too, wished +to be mashed. And suddenly I was aware that my wife knew that I was +thinking thus. With an effort I turned and began a stumbling run through +the Park. + + + + +IV. + +HOW I REACHED HOME. + + +I remember nothing of my flight, except the stress of blundering against +trees and stumbling over the railings. To blunder against some trees is +very stressful. At last I could go no further: I had run full tilt into +a gasworks. I fell and lay still. + +I must have remained there some time. + +Suddenly, like a thing falling upon me from without, came--Beer. It was +being poured down my throat by my cousin's man, and I recollect thinking +that he must have used the same can with which he filled the lamps. How +he got there I cannot pretend to tell. + +"What news from the park?" said I. + +"Eh!" said my cousin's man. + +"What news from the Park?" I said. + +"Garn! 'oo yer getting at?" said my cousin's man. "Aint yer just _been_ +there?" (The italics are his own.) "People seem fair silly abart the +Pawk. Wot's it all abart?" + +"Haven't you heard of the Wenuses?" said I. "The women from Wenus?" +"Quite enough," said my cousin's man, and laughed. + +I felt foolish and angry. + +"You'll hear more yet," I said, and went on my way. + +Judging by the names of the streets, I seemed to be at Kennington, and +it was an hour after dawn, and my collar had burst away from its stud. +But I had ceased to feel fear. My terror had fallen from me like a bath +towel. Three things struggled for the possession of my mind: the beauty +of Kennington, the whereabouts of the Wenuses, and the wengeance of my +wife. In spite of my cousin's man's beer, which I could still taste, I +was ravenously hungry; so, seeing no one about, I broke into a chemist's +shop and stayed the pangs on a cake of petroleum soap, some Parrish's +food, and a box of menthol pastilles, which I washed down with a split +ammoniated quinine and Condy. I then stole across the road, and dragging +the cushions from a deserted cab (No. 8648) into the cab shelter, I +snatched a few more hours of restless sleep. + +When I woke I found myself thinking consecutively, a thing I do not +remember to have done since I killed the curate in the other book. In +the interim my mental condition had been chaotic, asymptotic. But during +slumber my brain, incredible as it may seem, stimulated and clarified by +the condiments of which I had partaken, had resumed its normal activity. +I determined to go home. + +Resolving at any cost to reach Campden Hill Gardens by a sufficiently +circuitous route, I traversed Kennington Park Road, Newington Butts, +Newington Causeway, Blackman Street, and the Borough High Street, to +London Bridge. Crossing the bridge, I met a newspaper boy with a bundle +of papers, still wet from the press. They were halfpenny copies of the +_Star_, but he charged me a penny for mine. The imposition still +rankles. + +From it I learned that a huge cordon of police, which had been drawn +round the Crinoline, had been mashed beyond recognition, and two +regiments of Life Guards razed to the ground, by the devastating Glance +of the Wenuses. I passed along King William Street and Prince's Street +to Moorgate Street. Here I met another newspaper boy, carrying the _Pall +Mall Gazette_. I handed him a threepenny bit; but though I waited for +twenty minutes, he offered me no change. This will give some idea of the +excitement then beginning to prevail. The _Pall Mall_ had an article on +the situation, which I read as I climbed the City Road to Islington. It +stated that Mrs. Pozzuoli, my wife, had constituted herself +Commander-in-Chief, and was busy marshalling her forces. I was relieved +by the news, for it suggested that my wife was fully occupied. Already a +good bulk of nursemaids and cooks, enraged at the destruction of the +Scotland Yard and Knightsbridge heroes by the Wenuses' Mash-Glance, had +joined her flag. It was, said the _Pall Mall,_ high time that such an +attack was undertaken, and since women had been proved to be immune to +the Mash-Glance, it was clearly their business to undertake it. + +Meanwhile, said the _Pall Mall_, nothing could check the folly of the +men. Like moths to a candle, so were they hastening to Kensington +Gardens, only to be added to the heap of mashed that already had +accumulated there. + +So far, the _P.M.G._ But my mother, who was in the thick of events at +the time, has since given me fuller particulars. Notwithstanding, my +mother tells me, the fate of their companions, the remainder of the +constabulary and military forces stationed in London hastened to the +Park, impelled by the fearful fascination, and were added to the piles +of mashed. + +Afterwards came the Volunteers, to a man, and then the Cloth. The haste +of most of the curates, and a few bishops whose names have escaped me, +was, said my mother, cataclysmic. Old dandies with creaking joints +tottered along Piccadilly to their certain doom; young clerks in the +city, explaining that they wished to attend their aunt's funeral, +crowded the omnibuses for Kensington and were seen no more; while my +mother tells me that excursion trains from the country were arriving at +the principal stations throughout the day, bearing huge loads of +provincial inamorati. + +A constant stream of infatuated men, flowing from east to west, set in, +and though bands of devoted women formed barriers across the principal +thoroughfares for the purpose of barring their progress, no perceptible +check was effected. Once, a Judge of notable austerity was observed to +take to a lamp-post to avoid detention by his wife: once, a well-known +tenor turned down by a by-street, says my mother, pursued by no fewer +than fifty-seven admirers burning to avert his elimination. Members of +Parliament surged across St. James' Park and up Constitution Hill. + +Yet in every walk of life, says my mother, there were a few survivors in +the shape of stolid, adamantine misogynists. + +Continuing my journey homewards, I traversed Upper Street, Islington, +and the Holloway Road to Highgate Hill, which I ascended at a sharp run. +At the summit I met another newspaper boy carrying a bundle of _Globes_, +one of which I purchased, after a hard-driven bargain, for two shillings +and a stud from the shirt-front of my evening dress, which was beginning +to show signs of ennui. I leaned against the wall of the Highgate +Literary and Scientific Institute, to read it. The news was +catastrophic. Commander Wells of the Fire Brigade had, it stated, +visited Kensington Gardens with two manuals, one steam engine, and a +mile of hose, in order to play upon the Crinoline and its occupants. +Presuming on the immunity of persons bearing his name during the Martian +invasion, the gallant Commander had approached too near and was in a +moment reduced to salvage. + +Pondering on this news, I made for Parliament Hill, by way of West Hill +and Milfield Lane. On the top I paused to survey London at my feet, and, +to get the fullest benefit of the invigorating breeze, removed my hat. +But the instant I did so, I was aware of a sharp pain on my scalp and +the aroma of singed hair. Lifting my hand to the wounded place, I +discovered that I had been shaved perfectly clean, as with a Heat Razor. +The truth rushed upon me: I had come within the range of the +Mash-Glance, and had been saved from total dissolution only by +intervening masonry protecting my face and body. + +To leave the Hill was the work of an instant. I passed through John +Street to Hampstead Road, along Belsize Avenue and Buckland Crescent to +Belsize Road, and so to Canterbury Road and Kilburn Lane. Here I met a +fourth newspaper boy loaded with copies of the _St. James' Gazette_. He +offered me one for seven-and-sixpence, or two for half a sovereign, but +it seemed to me I had read enough. + +Turning into Ladbroke Grove Road I quickly reached Notting Hill, and +stealthily entered my house in Campden Hill Gardens ten minutes later. + + + + +BOOK II. + +London under the Wenuses. + + + +I. + +THE DEATH OF THE EXAMINER. + + +My first act on entering my house, in order to guard against any sudden +irruption on the part of my wife, was to bolt the door and put on the +chain. My next was to visit the pantry, the cellar, and the larder, but +they were all void of food and drink. My wife must have been there +first. As I had drunk nothing since I burgled the Kennington chemist's, +I was very thirsty, though my mind was still hydrostatic. I cannot +account for it on scientific principles, but I felt very angry with my +wife. Suddenly I was struck by a happy thought, and hurrying upstairs I +found a bottle of methylated spirits on my wife's toilet-table. Strange +as it may seem to the sober reader, I drank greedily of the unfamiliar +beverage, and feeling refreshed and thoroughly kinetic, settled down +once more to an exhaustive exposure of the dishonest off-handedness of +the external Examiners at University College. I may add that I had taken +the bread-knife (by Mappin) from the pantry, as it promised to be useful +in the case of unforeseen Clerical emergencies. I should have preferred +the meat-chopper with which the curate had been despatched in _The War +of the Worlds,_ but it was deposited in the South Kensington Museum +along with other mementoes of the Martian invasion. Besides, my wife and +I had both become Wegetarians. + +The evening was still, and though distracted at times by recollections +of the Wenuses, I made good progress with my indictment. Suddenly I was +conscious of a pale pink glow which suffused my writing-pad, and I heard +a soft but unmistakable thud as of a pinguid body falling in the +immediate vicinity. + +Taking off my boots, I stole gently down to the scullery and applied the +spectroscope to the keyhole. To my mingled amazement and ecstasy, I +perceived a large dome-shaped fabric blocking up the entire back garden. +Roughly speaking, it seemed to be about the size of a full-grown sperm +whale. A faint heaving was perceptible in the mass, and further +evidences of vitality were forthcoming in a gentle but pathetic +crooning, as of an immature chimaera booming in the void. The truth +flashed upon me in a moment. The Second Crinoline had fallen in my back +garden. + +My mind was instantly made up. To expose myself unarmed to the +fascination of the Wonderful Wisitors would have irreparably prejudiced +the best interests of scientific research. My only hope lay in a +complete disguise which should enable me to pursue my investigations of +the Wenuses with the minimum amount of risk. A student of the humanities +would have adopted a different method, but my standpoint has always been +dispassionate, anti-sentimental. My feelings towards the Wenuses were, +incredible as it may seem, purely Platonic. I recognised their +transcendental attractions, but had no desire to succumb to them. +Strange as it may seem, the man who succumbs rarely if ever is +victorious in the long run. To disguise my sex and identity--for it was +_a priori_ almost impossible that the inhabitants of Wenus had never +heard of Pozzuoli--would guard me from the jellifying Mash-Glance of the +Wenuses. Arrayed in feminine garb I could remain immune to their +malignant influences. + +With me, to think is to act; so I hastily ran upstairs, shaved off my +moustache, donned my wife's bicycle-skirt, threw her _sortie de bal_ +round my shoulders, borrowed the cook's Sunday bonnet from the servants' +bedroom, and hastened back to my post of observation at the scullery +door. + +Inserting a pipette through the keyhole and cautiously applying my eye, +I saw to my delight that the Crinoline had been elevated on a series of +steel rods about six feet high, and that the five Wenuses who had +descended in it were partaking of a light but sumptuous repast beneath +its iridescent canopy. They were seated round a tripod imbibing a brown +beverage from small vessels resembling the half of a hollow sphere, and +eating with incredible velocity a quantity of tiny round coloured +objects--closely related, as I subsequently had occasion to ascertain, +to the _Bellaria angelica_,--which they raised to their mouths with +astonishing and unerring aim in the complex Handling-Machines, or +Tenticklers, which form part of their wonderful organism. + +Belonging as they undoubtedly do to the order of the Tunicates, their +exquisitely appropriate and elegant costume may be safely allowed to +speak for itself. It is enough, however, to note the curious fact that +there are no buttons in Wenus, and that their mechanical system is +remarkable, incredible as it may seem, for having developed the eye to +the rarest point of perfection while dispensing entirely with the hook. +The bare idea of this is no doubt terribly repulsive to us, but at the +same time I think we should remember how indescribably repulsive our +sartorial habits must seem to an intelligent armadillo. + +Of the peculiar coralline tint of the Wenuses' complexion, I think I +have already spoken. That it was developed by their indulgence in the +Red Weed has been, I think, satisfactorily proved by the researches of +Dr. Moreau, who also shows that the visual range of their eyes was much +the same as ours, except that blue and yellow were alike to them. Moreau +established this by a very pretty experiment with a Yellow Book and a +Blue Book, each of which elicited exactly the same remark, a curious +hooting sound, strangely resembling the _ut de poitrine_ of one of +Professor Garner's gorillas. + +After concluding their repast, the Wenuses, still unaware of my patient +scrutiny, extracted, with the aid of their glittering tintackles, a +large packet of Red Weed from a quasi-marsupial pouch in the roof of the +Crinoline, and in an incredibly short space of time had rolled its +carmine tendrils into slim cylinders, and inserted them within their +lips. The external ends suddenly ignited as though by spontaneous +combustion; but in reality that result was effected by the simple +process of deflecting the optic ray. Clouds of roseate vapour, ascending +to the dome of the canopy, partially obscured the sumptuous contours of +these celestial invaders; while a soft crooning sound, indicative of +utter contentment, or as Professor Nestle of the Milky Ray has more +prosaically explained it, due to expiration of air preparatory to the +suctional operation involved in the use of the Red Weed, added an +indescribable glamour to the enchantment of the scene. + +Humiliating as it may seem to the scientific reader, I found it +impossible to maintain a Platonic attitude any longer; and applying my +mouth to the embouchure of the pipette, warbled faintly in an exquisite +falsetto: + +"Ulat tanalareezul Savourneen Dheelish tradioun marexil Vi-Koko for the +hair. I want yer, ma honey." + +The effect was nothing short of magical. The rhythmic exhalations ceased +instanteously, and the tallest and most fluorescent of the Wenuses, +laying aside her Red Weed, replied in a low voice thrilling with kinetic +emotion: + +"Phreata mou sas agapo!" + +The sentiment of these remarks was unmistakable, though to my shame I +confess I was unable to fathom their meaning, and I was on the point of +opening the scullery door and rushing out to declare myself, when I +heard a loud banging from the front of the house. + +I stumbled up the kitchen stairs, hampered considerably by my wife's +skirt; and, by the time I had reached the hall, recognised the raucous +accents of Professor Tibbles, the Classical Examiner, shouting in +excited tones: + +"Let me in, let me in!" + +I opened the door as far as it would go without unfastening the chain, +and the Professor at once thrust in his head, remaining jammed in the +aperture. + +"Let me in!" he shouted. "I'm the only man in London besides yourself +that hasn't been pulped by the Mash-Glance." + +He then began to jabber lines from the classics, and examples from the +Latin grammar. + +A sudden thought occurred to me. Perhaps he might translate the +observation of the Wenus. Should I use him as an interpreter? But a +moment's reflection served to convince me of the danger of such a plan. +The Professor, already exacerbated by the study of the humanities, was +in a state of acute erethism. I thought of the curate, and, maddened by +the recollection of all I had suffered, drew the bread-knife from my +waist-belt, and shouting, "Go to join your dead languages!" stabbed him +up to the maker's name in the semi-lunar ganglion. His head drooped, and +he expired. + +I stood petrified, staring at his glazing eyes; then, turning to make +for the scullery, was confronted by the catastrophic apparition of the +tallest Wenus gazing at me with reproachful eyes and extended tentacles. +Disgust at my cruel act and horror at my extraordinary habiliments were +written all too plainly in her seraphic lineaments. At least, so I +thought. But it turned out to be otherwise; for the Wenus produced from +behind her superlatively radiant form a lump of slate which she had +extracted from the coal-box. + +"Decepti estis, O Puteoli!" she said. + +"I beg your pardon," I replied; "but I fail to grasp your meaning." + +"She means," said the Examiner, raising himself for another last effort, +"that it is time you changed your coal merchant," and so saying he died +again. + +I was thunderstruck: the Wenuses understood coals! + +And then I ran; I could stand it no longer. The game was up, the cosmic +game for which I had laboured so long and strenuously, and with one +despairing yell of "Ulla! Ulla!" I unfastened the chain, and, leaping +over the limp and prostrate form of the unhappy Tibbles, fled darkling +down the deserted street. + + + + +II. + +THE MAN AT UXBRIDGE ROAD. + + +At the corner a happy thought struck me: the landlord of the "Dog and +Measles" kept a motor car. I found him in his bar and killed him. Then I +broke open the stable and let loose the motor car. It was very restive, +and I had to pat it. "Goo' Tea Rose," I said soothingly, "goo' +Rockefeller, then." It became quiet, and I struck a match and started +the paraffinalia, and in a moment we were under weigh. + +I am not an expert motist, although at school I was a fairly good +hoop-driver, and the pedestrians I met and overtook had a bad time. One +man said, as he bound up a punctured thigh, that the Heat Ray of the +Martians was nothing compared with me. I was moting towards Leatherhead, +where my cousin lived, when the streak of light caused by the Third +Crinoline curdled the paraffin tank. Vain was it to throw water on the +troubled oil; the mischief was done. Meanwhile a storm broke. The +lightning flashed, the rain beat against my face, the night was +exceptionally dark, and to add to my difficulties the motor took the +wick between its teeth and fairly bolted. + +No one who has never seen an automobile during a spasm of motor ataxy +can have any idea of what I suffered. I held the middle of the way for a +few yards, but just opposite Uxbridge Road Station I turned the wheel +hard a-port, and the motor car overturned. Two men sprang from nowhere, +as men will, and sat on its occiput, while I crawled into Uxbridge Road +Station and painfully descended the stairs. + +I found the platform empty save for a colony of sturdy little newsboys, +whose stalwart determination to live filled me with admiration, which I +was enjoying until a curious sibillation beneath the bookstall stirred +me with panic. + +Suddenly, from under a bundle of _British Weeklies_, there emerged a +head, and gradually a man crawled out. It was the Artilleryman. + +"I'm burning hot," he said; "it's a touch of--what is it?--erethism." + +His voice was hoarse, and his Remarks, like the Man of Kent's, were +Rambling. + +"Where do you come from?" he said. + +"I come from Woking," I replied, "and my nature is Wobbly. I love my +love with a W because she is Woluptuous. I took her to the sign of the +Wombat and read her _The War of the Worlds_, and treated her to Winkles, +Winolia and Wimbos. Her name is Wenus, and she comes from the Milky +Way." + +He looked at me doubtfully, then shot out a pointed tongue. + +"It is you," he said, "the man from Woking. The Johnny what writes for +_Nature_. By the way," he interjected, "don't you think some of your +stuff is too--what is it?--esoteric? The man," he continued, "as killed +the curate in the last book. By the way, it _was_ you as killed the +curate?" + +"Artilleryman," I replied, "I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little +meat-chopper. And you, I presume, are the Artilleryman who attended my +lectures on the Eroticism of the Elasmobranch?" + +"That's me," he said; "but Lord, how you've changed. Only a fortnight +ago, and now you're stone-bald!" + +I stared, marvelling at his gift of perception. + +"What have you been living on?" I asked. + +"Oh," he said, "immature potatoes and Burgundy" (I give the catalogue so +precisely because it has nothing to do with the story), "uncooked steak +and limp lettuces, precocious carrots and Bartlett pears, and thirteen +varieties of fluid beef, which I cannot name except at the usual +advertisement rates." + +"But can you sleep after it?" said I. + +"Blimy! yes," he replied; "I'm fairly--what is it?--eupeptic." + +"It's all over with mankind," I muttered. + +"It _is_ all over," he replied. "The Wenuses 'ave only lost one +Crinoline, just one, and they keep on coming; they're falling somewhere +every night. Nothing's to be done. We're beat!" + +I made no answer. I sat staring, pulverised by the colossal +intellectuality of this untutored private. He had attended only three of +my lectures, and had never taken any notes. + +"This isn't a war," he resumed; "it never was a war. These 'ere Wenuses +they wants to be Mas, that's the long and the short of it. Only----" + +"Yes?" I said, more than ever impressed by the man's pyramidal +intuition. + +"They can't stand the climate. They're too--what is it?--exotic." + +We sat staring at each other. + +"And what will they do?" I humbly asked, grovelling unscientifically at +his feet. + +"That's what I've been thinking," said the gunner. "I ain't an +ornamental soldier, but I've a good deal of cosmic kinetic optimism, and +it's the cosmic kinetic optimist what comes through. Now these Wenuses +don't want to wipe _us_ all out. It's the women they want to +exterminate. They want to collar the men, and you'll see that after a +bit they'll begin catching us, picking the best, and feeding us up in +cages and men-coops." + +"Good heavens!" I exclaimed; "but you _are_ a man of genius indeed," and +I flung my arms around his neck. + +"Steady on!" he said; "don't be so--what is it?--ebullient." + +"And what then?" I asked, when my emotion had somewhat subsided. + +"Then," said he, "the others must be wary. You and I are mean little +cusses: we shall get off. They won't want _us_. And what do we do? Take +to the drains!" He looked at me triumphantly. + +Quailing before his glory of intellect, I fainted. + +"Are you sure?" I managed to gasp, on recovering consciousness. + +"Yes," he said, "sewer. The drains are the places for you and me. Then +we shall play cricket--a narrow drain makes a wonderful pitch--and read +the good books--not poetry swipes, and stuff like that, but good books. +That's where men like you come in. Your books are the sort: _The Time +Machine_, and _Round the World in Eighty Days, The Wonderful Wisit_, and +_From the Earth to the Moon_, and----" + +"Stop!" I cried, nettled at his stupidity. "You are confusing another +author and myself." + +"Was I?" he said, "that's rum, but I always mix you up with the man you +admire so much--Jools Werne. And," he added with a sly look, "you _do_ +admire him, don't you?" + +In a flash I saw the man plain. He was a critic. I knew my duty at once: +I must kill him. I did not want to kill him, because I had already +killed enough--the curate in the last book, and the Examiner and the +landlord of the "Dog and Measles" in this,--but an author alone with a +critic in deserted London! What else could I do? + +He seemed to divine my thought. + +"There's some immature champagne in the cellar," he said. + +"No," I replied, thinking aloud; "too slow, too slow." + +He endeavoured to pacify me. + +"Let me teach you a game," he said. + +He taught me one--he taught me several. We began with "Spadille," we +ended with "Halma" and "Snap," for parliament points. That is to say, +instead of counters we used M.Ps. Grotesque and foolish as this will +seem to the sober reader, it is absolutely true. Strange mind of man! +that, with our species being mashed all around, we could sit following +the chance of this painted pasteboard. + +Afterwards we tried "Tiddleywinks" and "Squails," and I beat him so +persistently that both sides of the House were mine and my geniality +entirely returned. He might have been living to this hour had he not +mentioned something about the brutality of _The Island of Dr. Moreau_. +That settled it. I had heard that absurd charge once too often, and +raising my Blaisdell binaural stethoscope I leaped upon him. With one +last touch of humanity, I turned the orbicular ivory plate towards him +and struck him to the earth. + +At that moment fell the Fourth Crinoline. + + + + +III. + +THE TEA-TRAY IN WESTBOURNE GROVE. + + +My wife's plan of campaign was simple but masterly. She would enlist an +army of enormous bulk, march on the Wenuses in Westbourne Grove, and +wipe them from the face of the earth. + +Such was my wife's project. My wife's first step was to obtain, as the +nucleus of attack, those women to whom the total loss of men would be +most disastrous. They flocked to my wife's banner, which was raised in +Regent's Park, in front of the pavilion where tea is provided by a +maternal County Council. + +My mother, who joined the forces and therefore witnessed the muster, +tells me it was a most impressive sight. My wife, in a nickel-plated +Russian blouse, trimmed with celluloid pom-pons, aluminium pantaloons, +and a pair of Norwegian _Skis_, looked magnificent. + +An old Guard, primed with recent articles from the _Queen_ by Mrs. Lynn +Linton, marched in a place of honour; and a small squadron of confirmed +misogynists, recruited from the Athenaeum, the Travellers' and the +Senior United Service Clubs, who professed themselves to be completely +Mash-proof, were in charge of the ambulance. The members of the Ladies' +Kennel Club, attended by a choice selection of carefully-trained Chows, +Schipperkes, Whippets and Griffons, garrisoned various outposts. + +The Pioneers joined my wife's ranks with some hesitation. The prospects +of a world depleted of men did not seem (says my mother) to fill them +with that consternation which was evident in my wife and her more +zealous lieutenants. But after a heated discussion at the Club-house, +which was marked by several resignations, it was decided to join in the +attack. A regiment of Pioneers therefore, marching to the battle-chant +of Walt Whitman's "Pioneers, O Pioneers!" brought up (says my mother) +the rear. + +The march of my wife's troops was a most impressive sight. Leaving +Regent's Park by the Clarence Gate, they passed down Upper Baker Street, +along Marylebone Road into Edgware Road. Here the troops divided. One +detachment hastened to Queen's Road, by way of Praed Street, Craven +Road, Craven Hill, Leinster Terrace and the Bayswater Road, with the +purpose of approaching Whiteley's from the South; the other half marched +direct to Westbourne Grove, along Paddington Green Road to Bishop's +Road. + +Thus, according to my wife's plan, the Wenuses would be between the two +wings of the army and escape would be impossible. + +Everything was done as my wife had planned. The two detachments reached +their destination almost simultaneously. My wife, with the northern +wing, was encamped in Bishop's Road, Westbourne Grove and Pickering +Place. My mother, with the southern wing (my wife shrewdly kept the +command in the family), filled Queen's Road from Whiteley's to Moscow +Road. My mother, who has exquisite taste in armour, had donned a superb +Cinque-Cento cuirass, a short Zouave jacket embroidered with sequins, +accordion-pleated bloomers, luminous leggings, brown Botticelli boots +and one tiger-skin spat. + +Between the two hosts was the empty road before the Universal Provider's +Emporium. The Wenuses were within the building. By the time my wife's +warriors were settled and had completed the renovation of their toilets +it was high noon. + +My wife had never imagined that any delay would occur: she had expected +to engage with the enemy at once and have done with it, and consequently +brought no provisions and no protection from the sun, which poured down +a great bulk of pitiless beams. + +The absence of Wenuses and of any sound betokening their activity was +disconcerting. However, my wife thought it best to lay siege to +Whiteley's rather than to enter the establishment. + +The army therefore waited. + +The heat became intense. My wife and her soldiers began to feel the +necessity for refreshment. My wife is accustomed to regular meals. The +sun grew in strength as the time went on, and my wife gave the order to +sit at ease, which was signalled to my mother. My mother tells me that +she was never so pleased in her life. + +One o'clock struck; two o'clock; three o'clock; and still no Wenuses. +Faint sounds were now audible from the crockery department, and then a +hissing, which passed by degrees into a humming, a long, loud droning +noise. It resembled as nearly as anything the boiling of an urn at a +tea-meeting, and awoke in the breasts of my wife and her army an intense +and unconquerable longing for tea, which was accentuated as four o'clock +was reached. Still no Wenuses. Another hour dragged wearily on, and the +craving for tea had become positively excruciating when five o'clock +rang out. + +At that moment, the glass doors of the crockery department were flung +open, and out poured a procession of Wenuses smiling, said my mother, +with the utmost friendliness, dressed as A.B.C. girls, and bearing trays +studded with cups and saucers. + +With the most seductive and ingratiating charm, a cup was handed to my +wife. What to do she did not for the moment know. "Could such a gift be +guileless?" she asked herself. "No." And yet the Wenuses looked +friendly. Finally her martial spirit prevailed and my wife repulsed the +cup, adjuring the rank and file to do the same. But in vain. Every +member of my wife's wing of that fainting army greedily grasped a cup. +Alas! what could they know of the deadly Tea-Tray of the Wenuses? +Nothing, absolutely nothing, such is the disgraceful neglect of science +in our schools and colleges. And so they drank and were consumed. + +Meanwhile my mother, at the head of the south wing of the army, which +had been entirely overlooked by the Wenuses, stood watching the +destruction of my wife's host--a figure petrified with alarm and +astonishment. One by one she watched her sisters in arms succumb to the +awful Tea-Tray. + +Then it was that this intrepid woman rose to her greatest height. + +"Come!" she cried to her Amazons. "Come! They have no more tea left. Now +is the moment ripe." + +With these spirited words, my mother and her troops proceeded to charge +down Queen's Road upon the unsuspecting Wenuses. + +But they had reckoned without the enemy. + +The tumult of the advancing host caught the ear of the Wonderful +Wisitors, and in an instant they had extracted glittering cases of their +crimson cigarettes from their pockets, and lighting them in the strange +fashion I have described elsewhere, they proceeded to puff the smoke +luxuriously into the faces of my mother and her comrades. + +Alas! little did these gallant females know of the horrible properties +of the Red Weed. How could they, with our science-teaching in such a +wretched state? + +The smoke grew in volume and density, spread and spread, and in a few +minutes the south wing of my wife's army was as supine as the north. + +How my wife and mother escaped I shall not say. I make a point of never +explaining the escape of my wife, whether from Martians or Wenuses; but +that night, as Commander-in-Chief, she issued this cataleptic despatch: + + "The Wenuses are able to paralyse all but strong-minded women + with their deadly Tea-Tray. Also they burn a Red Weed, the + smoke of which has smothered our troops in Westbourne Grove. No + sooner have they despoiled Whiteley's than they will advance + upon Jay's and Marshall and Snelgrove's. It is impossible to + stop them. There is no safety from the Tea-Tray and the Red + Weed but in instant flight." + +That night the world was again lit by a pale pink flash of light. It was +the Fifth Crinoline. + + + + +IV. + +WRECKAGE. + + +The general stampede that ensued on the publication of my wife's +despatch is no fit subject for the pen of a coherent scientific writer. +Suffice it to say, that in the space of twenty-four hours London was +practically empty, with the exception of the freaks at Barnum's, the +staff of _The Undertakers' Gazette_, and Mrs. Elphinstone (for that, +_pace_ Wilkie Collins, was the name of the Woman in White), who would +listen to no reasoning, but kept calling upon "George," for that was the +name of my cousin's man, who had been in the service of Lord Garrick, +the Chief Justice, who had succumbed to dipsomania in the previous +invasion. + +Meantime the Wenuses, flushed with their success in Westbourne Grove, +had carried their devastating course in a south-easterly direction, +looting Marshall and Snelgrove's, bearing away the entire stock of +driving-gloves from Sleep's and subjecting Redfern's to the asphyxiating +fumes of the Red Weed. + +It is calculated that they spent nearly two days in Jay's, trying on all +the costumes in that establishment, and a week in Peter Robinson's. +During these days I never quitted Uxbridge Road Station, for just as I +was preparing to leave, my eye caught the title on the bookstall of +Grant Allen's work, _The Idea of Evolution!_ and I could not stir from +the platform until I had skimmed it from cover to cover. + +Wearily mounting the stairs, I then turned my face westward. At the +corner of Royal Crescent, just by the cabstand, I found a man lying in +the roadway. His face was stained with the Red Weed, and his language +was quite unfit for the columns of _Nature_. + +I applied a limp lettuce to his fevered brow, took his temperature with +my theodolite, and pressing a copy of _Home Chat_ into his unresisting +hand, passed on with a sigh. I think I should have stayed with him but +for the abnormal obtusity of his facial angle. + +Turning up Clarendon Road, I heard the faint words of the Wenusberg +music by Wagner from a pianoforte in the second story of No. 34. I +stepped quickly into a jeweller's shop across the road, carried off +eighteen immature carats from a tray on the counter, and pitched them +through the open window at the invisible pianist. The music ceased +suddenly. + +It was when I began to ascend Notting Hill that I first heard the +hooting. It reminded me at first of a Siren, and then of the top note of +my maiden aunt, in her day a notorious soprano vocalist. She +subsequently emigrated to France, and entered a nunnery under the +religious name of Soeur Marie Jeanne. "Tul-ulla-lulla-liety," wailed the +Voice in a sort of superhuman jodel, coming, as it seemed to me, from +the region of Westminster Bridge. + +The persistent ululation began to get upon my nerves. I found, moreover, +that I was again extremely hungry and thirsty. It was already noon. Why +was I wandering alone in this derelict city, clad in my wife's skirt and +my cook's Sunday bonnet? + +Grotesque and foolish as it may seem to the scientific reader, I was +entirely unable to answer this simple conundrum. My mind reverted to my +school days. I found myself declining _musa_. Curious to relate, I had +entirely forgotten the genitive of _ego_.... With infinite trouble I +managed to break into a vegetarian restaurant, and made a meal off some +precocious haricot beans, a brace of Welsh rabbits, and ten bottles of +botanic beer. + +Working back into Holland Park Avenue and thence keeping steadily along +High Street, Notting Hill Gate, I determined to make my way to the +Marble Arch, in the hopes of finding some fresh materials for my studies +in the Stone Age. + +In Bark Place, where the Ladies' Kennel Club had made their vast +grand-stand, were a number of pitiful vestiges of the Waterloo of +women-kind. There was a shattered Elswick bicycle, about sixteen yards +and a half of nun's veiling, and fifty-three tortoise-shell side-combs. +I gazed on the _debris_ with apathy mingled with contempt. My movements +were languid, my plans of the vaguest. I knew that I wished to avoid my +wife, but had no clear idea how the avoiding was to be done. + + + + +V. + +BUBBLES. + + +From Orme Square, a lean-faced, unkempt and haggard waif, I drifted to +Great Orme's Head and back again. Senile dementia had already laid its +spectral clutch upon my wizened cerebellum when I was rescued by some +kindly people, who tell me that they found me scorching down Hays Hill +on a cushion-tired ordinary. They have since told me that I was singing +"My name is John Wellington Wells, Hurrah!" and other snatches from a +pre-Wenusian opera. + +These generous folk, though severely harassed by their own anxieties, +took me in and cared for me. I was a lonely man and a sad one, and they +bored me. In spite of my desire to give public expression to my +gratitude, they have refused to allow their names to appear in these +pages, and they consequently enjoy the proud prerogative of being the +only anonymous persons in this book. I stayed with them at the Bath Club +for four days, and with tears parted from them on the spring-board. They +would have kept me for ever, but that would have interfered with my +literary plans. Besides, I had a morbid desire to gaze on the Wenuses +once more. + +And so I went out into the streets again, guided by the weird Voice, and +_via_ Grafton Street, Albemarle Street, the Royal Arcade, Bond Street, +Burlington Gardens, Vigo Street and Sackville Street, Piccadilly, Regent +Street, Pall Mall East, Cockspur Street and Whitehall, steadily wheeled +my way across Westminster Bridge. + +There were few people about and their skins were all yellow. Lessing, +presumably in his _Laocoon_, has attributed this to the effects of sheer +panic; but Carver's explanation, which attributes the ochre-like tint to +the hypodermic operation of the Mash-Glance, seems far more plausible. +For myself I abstain from casting the weight of my support in either +scale, because my particular province is speculative philosophy and not +comparative dermatology. + +As I passed St. Thomas's Hospital, the tullululation grew ever louder +and louder. At last the source of the sound could no longer be +disguised. It proceeded without doubt from the interior of some soap +works just opposite Doulton's. The gate was open and a faint saponaceous +exhalation struck upon my dilated nostrils. I have always been +peculiarly susceptible to odours, though my particular province is not +Osmetics but speculative philosophy, and I at once resolved to enter. +Leaning my bicycle against the wall of the archway, I walked in, and was +immediately confronted by the object of my long search. + +There, grouped picturesquely round a quantity of large tanks, stood the +Wenuses, blowing assiduously through pellucid pipettes and +simultaneously chanting in tones of unearthly gravity a strain +poignantly suggestive of baffled hopes, thwarted aspirations and +impending departure. So absorbed were they in their strange +preparations, that they were entirely unconscious of my presence. +Grotesque and foolish as this may seem to the infatuated reader, it is +absolutely true. + +Gradually from out the troubled surface of the tanks there rose a +succession of transparent iridescent globules, steadily waxing in bulk +until they had attained a diameter of about sixteen feet. The Wenuses +then desisted from their labours of inflation, and suddenly plunging +into the tanks, reappeared _inside_ these opalescent globules. I can +only repeat that speculative philosophy, and not sapoleaginous +hydro-dynamics, is my particular forte, and would refer doubtful +readers, in search of further information, to the luminous hypothesis +advanced by Professor Cleaver of Washington to account for the +imbullification of the Wenuses.[1] + +Never shall I forget the touching scene that now unfolded itself before +my bewildered eyes. Against a back ground of lemon-coloured sky, with +the stars shedding their spiritual lustre through the purple twilight, +these gorgeous creatures, each ensphered in her beatific bubble, floated +tremulously upward on the balmy breeze. In a moment it all flashed upon +me. They were passing away from the scene of their brief triumph, and I, +a lonely and dejected scientist, saw myself doomed to expiate a moment's +madness in long years of ineffectual speculation on the probable +development of Moral Ideas. + +My mind reverted to my abandoned arguments, embodied in the article +which lay beneath the selenite paperweight in my study in Campden Hill +Gardens. Frenzied with despair, I shot out an arm to arrest the upward +transit of the nearest Wenus, when a strange thing occurred. + +"At last!" said a voice. + +I was startled. It was my wife, accompanied by Mrs. Elphinstone, my +cousin's man, my mother, the widow of the landlord of the "Dog and +Measles," Master Herodotus Tibbles in deep mourning, and the +Artillery-man's brother from Beauchamp's little livery stables. + +I shot an appealing glance to the disappearing Wenus. She threw me a +kiss. I threw her another. + +My wife took a step forward, and put her hand to my ear. I fell. + +[Footnote 1: Cleaver in a subsequent Memoir [Sonnenschein, London, pp. +xiv., 954, 20 in. x 8-1/2, price L2 2s. net] has made out, reluctantly +and against the judgment of his firm, that the basic material of the +globules, the peculiar tenacity of which was due to some toughening +ingredient imported by the Wisitors from their planet, was undoubtedly +that indispensable domestic article which is alleged to "save rubbing."] + + + + +APPENDIX A. + + + + +APPENDIX A. + + +My mother, whose vigilance during the Wenuses' invasion has been +throughout of the greatest assistance to me, kept copies of the various +papers of importance which commented upon that event. From them I am +enabled, with my mother's consent, to supplement the allusions to +contemporary journalism in the body of my history with the following +extracts:-- + +The _Times_, or, as it is better known, the Thunder Child of Printing +House Square, said: + +"The Duke of Curzon's statesmanlike reply in the House of Lords last +night to the inflammatory question or string of questions put by Lord +Ashmead with reference to our planetary visitors will go far to mitigate +the unreasoning panic which has laid hold of a certain section of the +community. As to the methods by which it has been proposed to confront +and repel the invaders, the Duke's remark, 'that the use of dynamite +violated the chivalrous instincts which were at the root of the British +Nature,' called forth loud applause. The Foreign Secretary, however, +showed that, while deprecating senseless panic, he was ready to take any +reasonable steps to allay the natural anxiety of the public, and rising +later on in the evening, he announced that a Royal Commission had been +appointed, on which Lord Ashmead, Dr. Joseph Parker (of the City +Temple), and Mr. Hall Caine, representing the Isle of Man, had consented +to serve, and would be dispatched without delay to Kensington Gardens to +inquire into the cause of the visit, and, if possible, to induce the new +comers to accept an invitation to tea on the Terrace. By way of +supplementing these tranquillizing assurances, we may add that we have +the authority of the best scientific experts, including Dr. Moreau, +Professor Sprudelkopf of Carlsbad, and Dr. Fountain Penn of +Philadelphia, for asserting that no animate beings could survive their +transference from the atmosphere of Venus to that of our planet for more +than fourteen days. It is to be hoped, therefore, that the members of +the Royal Commission may be successful in impressing upon our aerial +visitors the imperative necessity of a speedy return. In these +negotiations it is anticipated that the expressive pantomime of Dr. +Parker, and Mr. Hall Caine's mastery of the Manx dialect, will be of the +greatest possible assistance." + +To the _Daily Telegraph_ Sir Edwin Arnold contributed a poem entitled +"Aphrodite Anadyomene; or, Venus at the Round Pond." My mother can +remember only the last stanza, which ran as follows: + + "Though I fly to _Fushiyama_, + Steeped in opalescent _Karma_, + I shall ne'er forget my charmer, + My adorable _Khansamah_. + Though I fly to Tokio, + Where the sweet _chupatties_ blow, + I shall ne'er forget thee, no! + _Yamagata, daimio_." + +A shilling testimonial to the Wenuses was also started by the same +journal, in accordance with the precedent furnished by the similar +treatment of the Graces, and an animated controversy raged in its +correspondence columns with reference to mixed bathing at Margate, and +its effect on the morality of the Wenuses. + +A somewhat painful impression was created by the publication of an +interview with a well-known dramatic critic in the periodical known as +_Great Scott's Thoughts_. This eminent authority gave it as his +unhesitating opinion that the Wenuses were not fit persons to associate +with actors, actresses, or dramatic critics, and that if, as was +announced, they had been engaged at Covent Garden to lend realistic +verisimilitude to the Venusberg scene in _Tannhaeuser_, it was his firm +resolve to give up his long crusade against Ibsen, emigrate to Norway, +and change his name to that of John Gabriel Borkman. A prolonged sojourn +in Poppyland, however, resulted in the withdrawal of this dreadful +threat, and, some few weeks after the extinction of the Wenuses, his +reconciliation with the dramatic profession was celebrated at a public +meeting, where, after embracing all the actor-managers in turn, he was +presented by them with a magnificent silver butter-boat, filled to the +brim with melted butter ready for immediate use. + + + + +APPENDIX B. + + + + +APPENDIX B. + + +My mother has obtained permission from the Laureate's publishers to +reprint the following stanzas from "The Pale Pink Raid":-- + + "Wrong? O of coarse it's heinous, + But we're going, girls, you just bet! + Do they think that the Wars of Wenus + Can be stopped by an epithet? + When the henpecked Earth-men pray us + To join them at afternoon tea, + Not rhyme nor reason can stay us + From flying to set them free. + + * * * * * + + "When the men on that hapless planet, + Handsome and kind and true, + Cry out, 'Hurry up!' O hang it! + What else can a Wenus do? + I suppose it was rather bad form, girls, + But really we didn't care, + For our planet was growing too warm, girls, + And we wanted a change of air. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. Grundy may go on snarling, + But still, at the Judgment Day, + The author of _England's Darling_ + I think won't give us away. + We failed, but we chose to chance it, + And as one of the beaten side, + I'd rather have made that transit + Than written _Jameson's Ride!_" + + THE END. + + +PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WAR OF THE WENUSES*** + + +******* This file should be named 14678.txt or 14678.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/6/7/14678 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/old/14678.zip b/old/14678.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed976e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14678.zip |