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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:06 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14679-0.txt b/14679-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b8e723 --- /dev/null +++ b/14679-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4705 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14679 *** + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS + +by + +L. H. M. SOULSBY + +"I sing the Obsolete" + +New and Enlarged Edition + +Longmans, Green, and Co. +39 Paternoster Row, +London New York and Bombay + +1903 + + + + + + + +DEDICATED TO + +GIRLS AT THE "AWKWARD AGE." + + + "An unlessoned girl, unschool'd, unpractis'd, + Happy in this, she is not yet so old + But she may learn." + + + + +PREFACE + + +What _is_ the awkward age? + +Certainly not any special number of years. It is most frequently found +between the ages of thirteen and twenty-seven, but some girls never go +through it, and some never emerge from it! + +I should be inclined to define it as the age during which girls are +asked--and cannot answer--varying forms of the question which so +embarrassed the Ugly Duckling: "Can you purr--can you lay eggs?" + +Most girls on growing up pass through an uncomfortable stage like this, in +which neither they nor their friends quite know what niche in life they +can best fill--sometimes, because of their own undisciplined characters; +sometimes, because the niche itself seems to be lacking. Whether this +stage be their misfortune or their fault, it is an unpleasant one--both +for themselves and for their friends. With much sympathy for both, I +dedicate these few suggestions to my known and unknown friends who are +passing through it. + + L. H. M. SOULSBY. + OXFORD, April 4, 1893. + + + + +PREFACE TO NEW EDITION + + +In bringing out a new edition, the book has been enlarged by adding papers +on "Making Plans," "Conversation," "Get up, M. le Comte!" "Sunday," and "A +good Time;" "Coming out" has been omitted, and "Friendship and Love" +somewhat altered. The present form has been adopted in order to make it +match the other volumes of "Stray Thoughts." + + L. H. M. SOULSBY. + BRONDESBURY, Nov. 23, 1903. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + LINES WRITTEN ON BEING TOLD THAT A LADY WAS "PLAIN AND COMMONPLACE" + + THE VIRTUOUS WOMAN + + MAKING PLANS + + CONVERSATION + + AUNT RACHEL; OR, OLD MAIDS' CHILDREN + + "GET UP, M. LE COMTE!" + + A FRIDAY LESSON + + A HOME ART; OR, MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS + + ESPRIT DE CORPS + + ROUGH NOTES OF A LESSON + + HOLIDAYS + + SUNDAY + + FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE + + A GOOD TIME + + + + +"The Sweet, Sweet Love of Daughter, + + "I have discovered a thing very little known, which is, that in + one's whole life one can never have more than a single mother. You + may think this obvious and (what you call) a trite observation.... + You are a green gosling! I was at the same age (very near) as wise + as you, and yet I never discovered this (with full evidence and + conviction, I mean) till it was too late."--_Gray's Letters_. + + +"of Sister, + + "The Blessing of my later years + Was with me when a Boy + She gave me eyes, she gave me ears, + And love, and thought, and joy." + Wordsworth. + + +"and of Wife." + + "The thousand still sweet joys of such + As hand in hand face earthly life." + M. Arnold. + + "I desired to make her my wife, knowing that she would be a + counsellor of good things, and a comfort in cares and grief. For + her conversation hath no bitterness; and to live with her hath no + sorrow, but mirth and joy."--_Wisdom of Solomon_. + + + + +LINES + +WRITTEN ON BEING TOLD THAT A LADY WAS "PLAIN AND COMMONPLACE." + + + You say that my love is plain, + But that I can never allow + When I look at the thought for others + That is written on her brow. + + The eyes are not fine, I own, + She has not a well-cut nose, + But a smile for others' pleasures + And a sigh for others' woes: + + Quick to perceive a want, + Quicker to set it right, + Quickest in overlooking + Injury, wrong, or slight. + + Nothing to say for herself, + That is the fault you find! + Hark to her words to the children, + Cheery and bright and kind. + + Hark to her words to the sick, + Look at her patient ways; + Every word she utters + Speaks to the speaker's praise. + + "Nothing to say for herself," + Yes! right, most right, you are, + But plenty to say for others, + And that is better by far. + + Purity, truth, and love, + Are they such common things? + If hers were a common nature, + Women would all have wings. + + Talent she may not have, + Beauty, nor wit, nor grace, + But, until she's among the angels, + She cannot be commonplace. + +Arthur Heathcote. + + + + +The Virtuous Woman. + +A FAREWELL BIBLE LESSON TO GIRLS ON LEAVING SCHOOL. + + "Wisdom ordereth all things strongly and sweetly."--WISDOM viii. 1 + (Vulg.). + + +It would be interesting to make a "Garden of Women" from the poets, +collecting the pictures of "Fair Women" they have drawn for us, but I want +to consider specially the ideal woman of that ancient poet Solomon, and to +see how far she can be translated into modern life. + +The subject ought to be considered by you who are leaving a school you +have loved and valued, and which you should commend to the world, by +showing that it has made you fit for home. Beaumaris School has a blank +shield for its arms, with the motto, "_Albam exorna_," "Adorn the white;" +you are all starting with white shields, and you _can_ adorn the white: it +is not only in Spenser that we find Britomarts. You are as much a band of +champions as were King Arthur's Knights; you have all the same enemy, have +made the same vows, and for a year have been in fellowship, learning and +practising the same lessons: can you help feeling that there is a +responsibility laid on you, to see that the world shall be the better +because of you? Be like Sir Galahad with his white shield on which "a +bloody cross" was signed, when he had fought and won. + +You know that I admire the old-fashioned type of woman--the womanly +woman,--and you will not suspect me of wishing you to start off "on some +adventure strange and new," but I do want you not to be content to lead a +commonplace life; you _must_, anyway, live your life: resolve that by +God's grace you will live it _nobly_. You cannot alter the outward form of +your life,--you will probably be surrounded by very commonplace household +duties, and worries, and jars,--but you can be like King Midas, whose +touch turned the most common things to gold. We have it in our power, as +Epictetus tells us, to be the gold on the garment of Life, and not the +mere stuff of which Fate weaves it. We can choose whether we will live a +king's life or a slave's: Marcus Aurelius on his throne was a king, for +nothing could conquer him; but Epictetus in chains was equally +unconquerable and equally a king. We all have the choice between the Crown +and the Muck Rake, and I think we sometimes turn to the straws and the +rubbish, not because they are fascinating to us, but because they seem +the only things open to us: we do not feel as if our lives had anything to +do with Crowns. If you think of your various homes from the point of view +of turning their "necessities to glorious gains," and as a field for +winning your spurs, I suspect you are each feeling that this is very "tall +talk" for such a commonplace home as yours. "All lives have an ideal +meaning as well as their prose translation;" but you feel perhaps that you +are sure to be swamped in little bothers and duties, and pleasures, and +dulness and stagnation, so that you will find it hard to see any ideal +meaning at all. This is not true, and to look on an ideal life as "tall +talk" is a snare of the Devil; and in these days of common sense and +higher education we need to guard against it, and to remember that "a +thing may be good enough for practical purposes, but not for ideal +purposes." "Ideal life" is not tall talk, but our plain duty, unless our +Lord was mocking us when He said, "Be ye perfect, as your Father in Heaven +is perfect." + +To know our ideal is one step towards attaining it. "So run, not as +uncertainly; so fight, not as one that beateth the air." Before taking +such a definite step in life as leaving school, it would be very +interesting to draw up a plan of what you would like your life to be, and +also of what you hope to make of the life apparently before you, which +may be very different from the life you would like. If you kept it, like +sealed orders, for five years, it would be interesting to see how your +views had changed, and how prayers had been answered in unexpected ways, +and it would also be a solemn warning to see, as we assuredly should, that +wilful prayers had been heard to our hurt. + +Bacon, when he made a new start as Solicitor-General, made a survey of his +life, past and future, his faults and blunders, his strong and weak +points, his hopes, the books he meant to read and to write, the friends he +wished to make. I am sure that thinking over our own lives as a whole +would strengthen and guide us. We rush into action and fight our best, but +we do not make a plan of the campaign, and thus much of our energy is +wasted by misdirected effort; and, in leaving a school-life of rule and +regularity, you will be much tempted to slip through the day without the +safeguard of a life of Rule; but, until you _are_ the saints you are +_called_ to be, you cannot afford to do without this help. We must +remember the warning of St. Francis de Sales against playing at being +angels before we are men and women. + +On the other hand, you will need to guard against the temptation to make +your rules unbending and inconsiderate, to follow your ideal, heedless of +the fact that you thereby become tiresome to your people. How often the +home people feel jealous of school, and say it has cut a girl off from her +home interests, that she comes back full of outside friendships and +interests and new principles. Of course she does; if not, what good would +school have done her? But she ought to feel how natural and how _loving_ +is this (often unexpressed) jealousy, and, by sympathetic tact, to avoid +rousing it, and not to be always thrusting school interests down home +throats. The duty of a life of rule at home is all the more complex +because home pleasures are duties too; if it was only a question of +self-denial it would be plain sailing, but your mother likes you to go +out, and your brothers want you, and if you refuse to enjoy yourself it +hurts them: if you even betray that you would rather be doing something +else, you spoil their pleasure, for a "martyr" to home duty is a most +depressing sight to gods and men. And the complexity lies in the fact that +you enjoy going, and conscience pricks you every now and then because you +never read, and you seem to go through the day in a slipshod way, with no +definite rule,--no daily cross-bearing, no self-restraint to give salt to +the day. At school you have a definite duty of self-improvement set before +you, and everything urges you to follow it. This remains a duty when you +go home, but it is very hard to reconcile it with the many things that +clash--not the least of these being our own laziness when the help of +external pressure is taken away. You have had intellectual advantages, and +you will be downright sinful if you fritter all your time away over +flowers and tennis, and never read because you do not like to be thought +unsociable: you are bound to improve your talents, but take it as your +motto, that _rules should be iron when they clash with our own wishes, and +wax when they clash with those of others_. + +Yet we must yield _sensibly_, and not allow our time to be needlessly +wasted--at all events, by brothers and sisters and friends. It is +different with a father or mother: they are only lent to us for a part of +our lives, and no memory of sensible, useful work will be to us the same +pleasure in after years as the thought of the time that passed more +pleasantly for a mother because we spent it in idle (!) talk, or the +knowledge that a father had enjoyed the feeling that we were always at +hand if he wanted us. A strong-minded woman might consider matters +differently, and feel that a language learnt, or a district visited, was +of more value, but we shall not be able to reason so when we see life in +the new light which death throws upon it; the little restrictions of home +life will then assume a very different aspect. + +Unless you are driven with an unusually loose rein, you will probably be +irked by having to be punctual, and to account for your letters and for +your goings and comings; but if you ever feel inclined to resent it, just +think what it will be when you are left free--free to be late because +there is no one to wait dinner for you, free to come and go as you will +because there is no one who cares whether you are tired or not; some of +these days you will give anything to be once more so "fettered." + +Higher education often makes girls feel it waste of time to write notes +for their mothers, and to settle the drawing-room flowers: they "must go +and read." Now, what mental result, what benefit to the world, will result +from an ordinary woman's reading, which can, in any way, be comparable to +the value of a woman who diffuses a home-atmosphere, and is always "at +leisure from herself"? You know that I care very much for your +reading--you will have plenty to do if you read all the books I have +begged you to study--but if it gave your mother pleasure for you to be at +the stupidest garden-party, I should think you were wasting your time +terribly if you spent it over a book instead. Some people think ordinary +society, and small talk, beneath them:--well! do not let the talk be +smaller than you can help, but remember Goulburn's warning, "Despise not +little crosses, for they have been to many a saved soul an excellent +discipline of humility." + +But to come at last to Solomon's ideal--what is our first impression of +her? Surely it is _strength_, and we probably feel her strong-minded, and +rather a "managing woman"--and, as a rule, these are not loved. I feel +that she wants some sorrow to humanize her--she would hardly be sorry for +less prosperous, less sensible people: the modern feeling of, "the pity of +it, Iago, the pity of it!" has never gone home to her; she is not like +Ruskin's "gentleman" who has tears always in his eyes, in spite of the +smile on his lips; she is not "quick to perceive the want" in the many +lives, which are empty or crippled, though, perhaps, seemingly prosperous: +things turn out well with her, and she deserves it, so the sight of her +would bring home a sense of undeservingness to the less fortunate; she +cannot speak so as to be "understanded of" them; she is not one of those +who have learnt that "_avoir beaucoup souffert c'est comme ceux qui savent +beaucoup de langues, avoir appris à tout comprendre, et à se fairs +comprendre de tous_." But the virtues Solomon describes need not result in +this type, which is antagonistic to us; extremes meet, and it is the +exaggeration of a very lovable type--the woman who gives you the feeling +of rest and protection and strong motherliness, who is as the shadow of a +great rock in a weary land. "The meekness and gentleness of Christ" is +translated by Matthew Arnold as the "sweet reasonableness," and this +makes a very lovable woman. Sweet unreasonableness makes a more _taking_ +one, but not a _keeping_ one. Butterfly women have more fascinating ways, +but Spring-time comes to an end--the day will come for all women when +others will come to them to be ministered to, to be rested and soothed and +raised. It is sad to watch many who have the faded pretty ways which once +was all that was required of them, and who, in middle life, cannot +understand why their belongings find them so inadequate! Long ago, Swift +warned girls against making nets instead of cages, but they have not all +learnt wisdom yet. And the main point is, not how you can get, or give, +most amusement, but how you can give most comfort; and no one goes to a +weak person for that. There are few things certain in life, but one of +these few is, that others will come to each one of us, in doubt, in +sorrow, in pain, in ignorance, and that, through negligence and ignorance +of ours, they may go away uncomforted, unhelped, untaught, and this, +though each one of us has it in her power to become, through God's grace, +one of those Queens of Consolation of whom Dante spoke. + +I think the Virtuous Woman ought to be on her guard against hardness: it +is her temptation, naturally, as it was that of the Elder Brother,--but +love and humility can make even strength lovable. And for those who are +in no danger of being too like the Virtuous Woman, but who are still +struggling out of a lower life, I am quite sure that weakness is the rock +ahead. It must be so for nearly all women: their feelings are keener and +sooner developed than those of men, and they are less trained in intellect +and self-control. Their chief value lies in intuition and impulse, and +their chief danger also. You will never be the "Virtuous Woman" if you are +self-indulgent in novels which dwell on feelings, in daydreams, in foolish +friendships, which only bring out the emotional side of your nature, +instead of strengthening you to do what is right, and widening your +sensible interests in life. There is but one certain protection against +this temptation, and we find it in Proverbs xxxi.; I mean, _industry at +home_. + +Industry is a leading feature of Solomon's ideal, and nothing but plenty +to do can possibly keep our minds fresh and sweet, and wholesome and +strong,--and hence, strengthening for others. Feeling is the only part of +a woman's nature which will develop of itself:--her mind will not grow +unless definitely cultivated, and no more will her conscience, but if she +leave the field fallow, weeds of foolish feelings and fancies spring up on +all sides. This is why it is your duty, when you leave, not to allow +yourself to be idle: not only because God expects you to bring your +sheaves with you at the Last Day, but because your field cannot stand +empty--if good grain is not there, weeds will be. And manual +work--gardening or housework--gives more fresh air to the mind than +anything else. If you ever, as _Punch_ expresses it, "find your doll +stuffed with sawdust," if life seems a disappointment, and you are a prey +to foolish fancies, and have lost your spring, then try being really tired +out in body by useful work, and see if you do not find it an effectual +tonic. Some say that these "mental measles" are a phase which the modern +girl must inevitably pass through: perhaps so, but I should be +disappointed if you went through them,--at all events, if you did so in +the hopelessly idiotic way that many do! I should be disappointed if, in +the future, you came and said, "I am in the dark, and Life is all a +tangle!" I do feel you ought to have learnt that "the light of Duty shines +on every day for all." "We always have as much light as we need, though +often not as much as we would like," and if you honestly want to do your +next duty, you will have light enough to do it by. Come to me, by all +means, if you like, and say, "I feel idle and good-for-nothing, and don't +particularly want to see my Duty!" but do not moan about Life being all +perplexity! It is always nobler to do your duty than to leave it undone: +make this principle your sheet-anchor, and spiritual feelings and light +will come some day, if God sees fit. It does not always do to apply +direct remedies to these "measles:" if your mind is out of gear, leave it +alone, and attack it through the body by industry. And industry _at home_ +is best; here was the true strength of the Virtuous Woman. The strength of +her modern descendant lies abroad: she is strong and admirable, she does +splendid work, but there is always a tinge of excitement to help one +through outside work. Things done among father and mother, brothers and +sisters, are either very peaceful or very flat, according as your feelings +are either wholesome or unwholesome--there is none of the pleasurable +excitement, generally more or less feverish, of working with friends we +love and admire; it is the difference between milk and wine. I do not +think wine wrong, but I think it is much better to cultivate a taste for +milk; you must watch yourselves, and not get to feel home things dull. +Some are so strong in home, so wrapped up in their own family, that +outsiders feel _de trop_, which of course is a fault on the other side. If +we have happy homes, it is a trust for the use of others; we can give a +home feeling to those who are less fortunate as they pass by us, like the +swallow flying through the lighted hall. Lonely people may gain a sense of +home from this large-heartedness in the happy, a feeling of rest and +repose, which is the very essence of the atmosphere I should like my +Virtuous Woman to shed around her; she must "do good by effluvia;" in her +home, "roof and fire are types only of a nobler light and shade--shade as +of the rock in a weary land, and light as of the Pharos in the stormy sea. +And wherever a true wife comes this home is always round her. The stars +only may be over her head, the glowworm in the night-cold grass may be the +only fire at her foot: yet home is wherever she is; and for a noble woman +it stretches far around her, better than ceiled with cedar or painted with +vermilion, shedding its quiet light far for those who else were homeless." + +Let us now consider the Virtuous Woman verse by verse. Solomon is +describing a rich woman with an "establishment," a sphere and husband and +children, as if a woman's life was not complete without this. And no more +it is; it may be very useful and very beautiful, but it is not complete. +Girls are often blamed for thinking too much about marriage: I think they +do not do it enough,--at least in the right way; you are not fit to be +wives now, and you should aim at becoming so, and to do that, you must be +fit to manage your house and to teach your children; if you fit yourselves +to be perfect wives, you will at least be very perfect old maids, and find +plenty to do for other people's children! But your life would then be +incomplete. St. Paul is misquoted when his words in Cor. vii. 34 are used +to condemn marriage; our Lord puts it before all other earthly ties, and +it is used as a type of His love for His Church, which should guard us +from two errors in connection with it. If married love is to be a type, +however faint, of Christ's love for His Church, there must be no +unworthiness connected with it; "no inner baseness we would hide;" no +marrying for the sake of being married, for the dignity and position, or +the worldly advantages it may bring; and there must be no matchmaking or +flirtation that a woman need be ashamed of afterwards. "Let the wife see +that she reverence her husband," says St. Paul, and the husband must be +able to reverence her. And there must be no selfishness, no getting +entangled in engagements that must bring trouble on others; to marry _for_ +money is degrading, but a woman may redeem it by being a good wife; to +marry _without_ money means debt, which is irretrievably degrading, and is +altogether selfish instead of romantic. + +But, married or single, rich or poor, Solomon's Virtuous Woman gives us +principles to go on. + +"_The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her_." Is not +trustworthiness a main point in those we respect? Do we not require our +Virtuous Woman to be reliable, not to repeat what we say to her, not to +forget her promises, in short, that we know "where to have her"? + +"_She will do him good and not evil all the days of his life_." It would +distinctly do him evil if she did his work for him! This is a great +temptation of capable people; it is so much easier to do a thing yourself +than to see others bungling over it; but remember, that _not to do other +people's duties is as much a duty as it is to do your own_. Unselfish +people are often selfish in the harm they do husbands, and brothers, and +sisters, and unconscionable friends, by doing their duties for them. You +recognize that you yourself are on a downward path when you leave duties +undone. You have no right to help any one else to tread that path. It is +much pleasanter to spoil your brothers than to make them take their fair +share of family burdens; it is much pleasanter to be popular,--but if your +brother grows up selfish, three-fourths of the sin will be on your head. +You will have to be very careful to convince him that you are not selfish +by sacrificing yourself on every occasion when it is not bad for him, but +if you are to do him good and not evil all the days of his life, you must +remember that you are your brother's keeper in this matter. + +"_She worketh willingly with her hands_." The idea is going out that, to +be like a lady, you must sit with your hands before you. I heard of a +village tea the other day where a curate's maid-of-all-work was boasting +that her mistress was a real lady who could not do a thing! "Dear! how +strange," said an old servant; "my first mistress taught me, with her own +hands, all the house-work I know." "Ah! she couldn't have been a _real_ +lady," said the other. "Perhaps not," said the old woman reflectively; "I +can't tell, but I know she was an Earl's daughter." If you knew anything +of Colonial life in old uncivilized days, you would know how invariably it +turned out that those settlers were nobody at home who talked there about +what they were "accustomed to," and how they could not do this or +that,--while the real ladies laughed and buckled to. I do not believe in a +woman being thoroughbred if she cannot do what comes to her to do; she may +have little bodily strength, but if she is of the right sort, spirit +carries her through, just as you often find uneducated people, unnerved by +pain or fright, crying and pitying themselves: a real lady has nerve for +it all, though she is ten times more sensitive, and, till the occasion +arises, she may lie on the sofa all day, and believe herself quite unable +to do a thing! + +People sometimes seem to think it the mark of a sensitive, high-bred, +refined nature to be unable to conquer fads, and fancies, and fears. You +hear them say, with an air of modest pride, "I _can't_ eat this or that;" +"I _can't_ touch spiders:" very likely they suffer if they do, and I do +not see that they need be always forcing themselves to do it, but they +should feel the power to do it _if need be_; if you are not master of +yourself, there is bad blood about you somewhere; _noblesse oblige_ +applies preeminently to such things. + +And I think _noblesse oblige_ ought to teach us another lesson in this +matter of work. So many often say, or feel, "It's not my duty to do this +or that; why should I? it's just as much _her_ business,--why shouldn't +_she_ do the dirty work?" The true lady says, "_Somebody_ must do the +dirty work, and why not I as well as another?" And so she worketh +willingly with her hands; for "common household service" is + + "The wageless work of Paradise." + +"_She bringeth her food from afar_." She is foreseeing and businesslike: +she is not obliged to get inferior articles because she is driven at the +last moment and cannot send to the best shop; she is never unable to match +her dress because she has not thought about new gloves till the very +afternoon that she wants them; she does not forget till half-past six that +dinner has not been ordered, and then, in despair, order in ready-cooked +things from a shop. + +"_She riseth while it is yet night_." Early rising is a great trial to +some, but I think those who are conscientious often make a mistake between +sloth and conscientious care of health: and the Virtuous Woman should be +very careful of her health. Some girls think it fine not to be; they say, +"Oh, well, I shall only die the sooner! Better to wear out than rust out!" +and they feel--and so do some of their friends--that they are very noble +characters, and accordingly these tragedy queens stalk picturesquely +through wet grass when they could quite well keep on the gravel. I hope +none of you will develop into tragic heroines. I have no patience when I +see girls with perfectly prosperous lives inventing tragedies for +themselves. They have no right "to take in vain the sacred name of grief." +If there is nothing else to romance about, they fall back on being +"misunderstood," which generally means that their mother understands them +a great deal too well to please them. I dare say you will not see this in +yourselves or in your friends, but it will strike you very much in your +acquaintances, and you will, in time, recognize your own share of human +nature, for we all do, undoubtedly, enjoy being sorry for ourselves, +though I suspect life is much happier for all of us than we deserve. + +But to return to the question of health. If you could go out like the +flame of a candle, well and good! the world would probably be well rid of +you if you were going through life tragically, longing for death, but you +will not "wear out" in consequence of carelessness about wet feet and want +of sleep, and over-fatigue, and fancifulness about eating. These things +destroy, not your life, but your nerves and temper, and all that makes +your life a comfort to others; "wearing out" yourself means that you will +wear out others, and require from them much time and nursing and good +temper. + +Now, sleep is a most important consideration in such a nervous generation +as ours: every woman ought to have eight hours' sleep, and more if she +needs it, but she should not wake up and then go to sleep again; that +second sleep, which is so pleasant, is the sleep of the sluggard. I would +like to give her "a chamber deaf to noise and blind to light," and never +let her be woke, but she should get up the moment she wakes of her own +accord, or, at most, spend ten minutes in the process of waking. + +"_She planteth a vineyard_." I should like my Virtuous Woman to be fond of +gardening, and at all events read in Bacon's Essays how God Almighty first +planted a garden. + +"_She strengthened her arms_." This verse makes us fancy the Virtuous +Woman as being unpleasingly strong, but we should guard against being +purposely weak, with an idea of its being pleasing; Thackeray's Amelia is +hardly a good model, and Patient Grizzel did her husband an infinity of +harm! + +"_Her candle goeth not out by night_." But the Virtuous Woman must be +self-denying in the matter of sitting up, now that modern life makes so +many more demands upon her brain. You know it is self-indulgence when you +sit up late; you were not bound to be so sociable as all that; you only +hinder yourself and others from proper time for prayer and sleep; if you +made a move after a reasonable amount of talk, the others would be +sensible too. And so you repent and force yourself to get up very +punctually the next morning, not seeing that this is on the principle that +two wrongs make a right. It is your duty to get up in good time, but it is +also a duty to get sufficient sleep. I know you have a more comfortable +feeling when you have punished yourself,--you feel that you took the +self-indulgence and you want to pay for it. This sounds fair and honest, +but it is not, because you pay for it with the health and strength that +God gave you to use for Him. Instead of the satisfactory scourge and hair +shirt of rising betimes next morning, try the more commonplace penance of +going to bed in proper time the next night, without any dawdling. So many +girls do things in a dreamy, dawdling way, that must be a sore trial to +those about them: if a thing has to be done, you should do it in a quick, +purpose-like way, and not waste your own time and other people's temper. A +girl will placidly tell you, "I'm always slow, it's my way," never +realizing that "ways" may be very objectionable. We think it dishonest in +workmen that there should be a difference between a man who works by time +and one who works by the piece: you blame the workman who spends twice as +much of his master's time as he need, but, when you dawdle, you spend +_your_ Master's time: getting through with things quickly and "deedily" is +a matter of habit, and the Virtuous Woman practises it in everything she +does. + +"_Her hands hold the distaff_." The Virtuous Woman will not be satisfied +until she knows how to make a dress and do plain work; not that, having +acquired the knowledge, she will necessarily use it, for a woman with +brains and education can employ her time to more purpose, and can give +employment to poorer women at her gate, by putting out her work. It is +burying her talent in the ground if she employs, in making her children's +frocks, the time which should be spent in cultivating her mind, so as to +be fit to educate them when they are older. + +"_She stretcheth out her hand to the poor_." The "classes" are poor and +needy, as well as the "masses:" read Mozley's "University Sermon" on "Our +Duty to our Equals," and learn to see that they also need a stretched-out +hand. We may be very kind in our district; are we as kind to social +bores? We may be very energetic in school feasts; are we as careful to +provide amusements of other kinds for people who, in rank or brains, are +slightly our inferiors? + +"_She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household +are clothed with scarlet_" (marg., double garments). She looks after the +health of other people as well as her own; she does not keep her maid +sitting up night after night, or overwork her dressmaker. She is as +considerate for the flyman waiting for her on a rainy night as she would +be for her father's coachman and horses, remembering that the flyman is +quite as liable to catch cold as the coachman, and has fewer facilities +for curing himself. + +"_Her clothing is silk and purple_." She dresses suitably, richly if +occasion demand it, but never showily. If she has to walk as a rule, she +will not buy dresses that look fit only for a carriage: she will not wear, +in church, a brilliant dress that would be suitable at a flower-show. + +"_Her husband is known in the gates_." There was doubtless a great +difference among the husbands at the gate, and I feel sure that this one +took a specially large and public-spirited view of the business there +discussed. The Virtuous Woman would not usurp his office, just because she +had the power of speaking well,--she would remember the Russian proverb, +"The Master is the Head of the House, while the Mistress is its Soul," +and she would be a very high-souled mistress, and care greatly that her +master should not only be a good husband and a father, but should also +serve his generation as a good citizen and a true patriot. When the public +good demanded sacrifices, she would not drag him back by insisting on his +duty to his family, nor would she persuade him to rob the public stores, +or time, by taking little perquisites or shortening his office hours. She +would feel with De Tocqueville, who says, "A hundred times I have seen +weak men show real public virtue, because they had by their sides women +who supported them--not by advice as to particulars, but by fortifying +their feelings of duty, and by directing their ambition. More frequently, +I must confess, I have observed the domestic influence gradually +transforming a man, naturally generous, noble, and unselfish, into a +cowardly, commonplace, place-hunting, self-seeker, thinking of public +business only as the means of making himself comfortable; and this simply +by daily contact with a well-conducted woman, a faithful wife, an +excellent mother, but from whose mind the grand notion of public duty was +entirely absent." + +The husband of "a superior woman" is usually much to be pitied, but surely +the reason is that the woman is not superior enough. She has capabilities +and knowledge, and has learnt to value them, and is right in so doing, +but she has not learnt the next page of Life's Lesson Book, which is, the +relative insignificance of her own acquirements, and the value of the +qualities she has not got,--qualities which her husband very likely +possesses, only he has not the feminine power of expression. How often a +woman's seeming superiority lies in this gift of words, which, as George +Eliot says, is in her, "often a fatal aptitude for expressing what she +neither believes nor feels." The man often silently knows, and _lives_, +the noble sentiment, which the woman fluently utters, imagining herself to +be its discoverer and prophet. Another point to remember in this matter is +that women are apt to overvalue intellect, perhaps because it is only +during the last few years that intellectual advantages have been within +their reach. Sydney Smith looked forward hopefully to a day when French +would be a common accomplishment, and women would be no more vain of +possessing it than of having two arms and legs! Perhaps when, not only +French, but still higher education becomes more generally diffused, we may +learn the proportions, and realize that, though intellect is a good gift, +many others are to be preferred before it. The more we know, the wider our +horizon grows, and the smaller we ourselves seem relatively to the wider +expanse around us. "Man's first word is, No: his second, Yes: and his +third is, No, again." We start with ignorance and are necessarily humble, +in a negative way: then comes the schoolroom, when we prize highly the +knowledge so laboriously acquired; and then comes the schoolroom of life, +which sends us back again to humility, though of a larger and nobler kind. + +(The tendency of the day is to overvalue education, rather than the +reverse, so I need not dwell on the necessity laid upon the modern +Virtuous Woman, of developing her intellect, more than Solomon required +from his ideal.) + +"_She maketh fine linen and selleth it_." She is reliable and punctual, +and clear in business arrangements. How much charitable work of the +present day requires good arithmetic and a clear business head! She will +not miss her train, and she will write a clear legible hand, especially +when names and addresses are concerned. A good handwriting is a matter of +patience and self-discipline, and a truly unselfish person would force +herself to acquire it, because she can thereby, in small ways, be of so +much use and comfort to others. + +"_She shall rejoice in time to come_." She is not likely to do this, +unless she learns to rejoice in the present also. Rejoicing is a habit +like most other virtues, and if we fail in this, it is probably ourselves +and not our circumstances that need to be changed. "The aids to +_happiness_ are all within," and the Virtuous Woman will take life bravely +and cheerfully, like the heroes of old, and will think it a poor thing to +pity herself and to go about with a long face. She + + "Welcomes and makes hers + Whate'er of good though small the present brings-- + Kind greetings, sunshine, song of birds, and flowers, + With a child's pure delight in little things; + And of the griefs unborn will rest secure, + Knowing that mercy ever will endure." + +"_She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of +kindness_." Perhaps few things have done so much harm in the world as +sympathy! Are we not all conscious of having perpetually allowed the +kindness of our tongue to be divorced from wisdom, so that our +affectionate sympathy has weakened our friend and done more harm than +good? It is so much pleasanter to both when we join in her discontent or +irritation, instead of being to her a second and a better self, aiding her +to see things wisely, as she would see them when she grew calmer. "A +book," said Dr. Johnson, "should teach us either to enjoy life, or to +endure it," and so should a friend. + +"_The law of kindness_." It may seem a small thing that the Virtuous Woman +should never lose an opportunity of saying a kind word, but, if we all did +this, the world would be revolutionized; how it lowers our moral +temperature when some needless criticism is made, or some disparaging +remark is repeated to us! The Virtuous Woman would set herself to be a +non-conductor of these "stings and arrows," while, in "a voice ever soft, +gentle, and low," she would pass on to us the pleasant things our friends +say, which make us feel "on the sunny side of the wall." What was said of +St. Theresa will be true of her--"it came to be understood that absent +persons were safe where she was. It would be hard to exaggerate the power +of influence for good which the confidence she had thus won must have +given her. Her nobility felt the treachery which always lies in +detraction, the kind of advantage taken, as it were, of the +unprotectedness of the absent." + +Some separate wisdom and kindness in another way; they are so anxious to +help others that they stretch a point of conscience, and persist in a +forbidden friendship, in order to help the friend. Now you may be unjustly +treated in being told to give up your friend, and you may feel, and +rightly, that it is very cruel to him or her. Perhaps so, but your want of +principle, in being disobedient or deceitful, must harm your friend +infinitely more than any amount of your good advice can do her good. +_Acting on principle always helps others_: it is the most catching thing +in the world, whereas our words and our personal influence do not help +them one bit, unless God is speaking through us, and making us His +instruments, which He will not do if we are behaving wrongly. + +"_She looketh well to the ways of her household_." She gives her servants +full work, and insists on its being done, at the right time and in the +right way, but she is careful never to overwork them, and to remember that +servants have rights and feelings; she is not only kind, but +_considerate_, which involves far more sympathy and thought. + +"_She eateth not the bread of idleness_." But she never does her servants' +work, or spoils them. Of course, if she is very poor, and has few +servants, she will lend a helping hand, but she will be wise in her +industry, and understand that riches are a call, not to idleness, but to +another kind of work--overseeing and directing, but not doing. "One good +head is worth a hundred good hands," but the head must know how things +should be done, and therefore the Virtuous Woman will make it a point of +conscience to know how to cook, and equally a point of conscience not to +do it, if she has servants who ought to see to it. + +"_Her children shall rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and +he praiseth her_." My Virtuous Woman may never marry, but she will be a +mother in Israel in spite of that. Every woman finds scope for +motherliness if it is in her; one way or another she will find children +looking to her for love and help, and she must fit herself to educate +those children, for this is a woman's main duty in life; she should never +be satisfied till she has earned a right to the compliment which Steele +paid his wife--that "to know her was a liberal education," until + + "Men at her side + Grow nobler, girls purer, and, through the whole town, + The children are gladder that pull at her gown." + +"_A woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised_." I may seem to +have made my last words to you consist of merely worldly-wise counsels, +and to have left out of sight "the one thing needful," but in many other +Scripture lessons we have spoken of that Prayer, and Bible reading, that +"going in the strength of the Lord God," which is the only source of +strength for man or woman. + +I have tried to give a few practical counsels for everyday life, +believing, as I do firmly, that the best part of this world's wisdom is +really one with Christianity, and that the fruits of dutifulness, common +sense, and kindliness, cannot be produced unless there is the root of real +religion. Solomon takes that root for granted, only at the close reminding +us of its necessity; and, in picturing our ideal woman, I am sure we all +see her with + + "A brow serene + Speaking calm hope and trust within her, whence + Welleth a noiseless spring of patience, + That keepeth all her life so fresh, so green + And full of holiness, that every look, + The greatness of her woman's soul revealing, + Unto me bringeth blessing, and a feeling + As when I read in God's own Holy Book." + + + + +Making Plans. + + +_Holidays_.--This is the time to show if school has done you any good. + +At school you are reminded constantly of Prayer, hard work, tidiness, +regularity, self-control: you are practised in these things, and the great +underlying principles of life are brought before you so that not one of +you has any excuse for being careless and unconscientious in the holidays. +Also you are most of you communicants, and you know that it is impossible +to be a communicant and to "let yourself go" in these ways. + +You have duties in the holidays as well as in school time. It is wrong to +spend two months in self-indulgence without any self-discipline. You must +open your eyes to your duties,--practising, sensible reading, tidiness, +and daily unselfishness. + +It may be no one's business to remind you in the holidays, and your mother +may let you alone a good deal, from wishing you to have "a good time;" but +you alter very considerably during two months, and it is your part to see +that you alter for the better. + +Two months means two Communions with definite resolves, two definite +upward stages in life. If you let yourself go till you get back to the +crutches of school, you will have gone two very definite stages downhill. + +Some of you are tidy here, but at home your temptation is to plaster some +neatly folded garment or sash over the recesses of an untidy drawer, or to +use anything that comes to hand, any racquet, or croquet-mallet, or +oil-can, or thimble; your own cannot be found--you take the nearest and +then leave that also lying about. + +Do you think these things do not matter? You would think it mattered very +much if you grew up an unreliable, unconscientious woman, and yet, I do +not know in what lesson-book you can learn to be thorough and reliable and +conscientious, except in the daily lesson-book of these trifles. + +You each know that daily practise is a duty, if your mother wishes you to +learn music. A daily duty neglected, or a daily duty done, means a very +considerable difference in the person by the end of two months. + +There are one or two further points in your holiday and grown-up life +which I should like to talk about to-day. + +_Visits_.--Enrich your life with them, instead of letting them be times +when you slip back morally. Take your conscience with you (but do not wear +it outside), and be very careful to keep your rules, your prayers, your +home standard of right and wrong, your quietness and self-control. Do not +"let yourself go," and do silly things for fun. A great many leave their +sense of responsibility at home, whereas our visits are part of the +regular course of that life for which God will judge us. And keep your +mind open, get new ideas, read the books in the house, instead of taking a +store with you. + +Next consider your duty in the choice of people you live with. First, +there are your relations. You say you cannot choose these; no, but you can +choose which side of them you will draw out. Every one is a magnet; some +attract the worried, irritable side of other people, some the serene, +pleasant side. If you try to see the bright side of things and to agree +instead of differing, and if you say nice things about people when they +are out of the room, your family circle will show themselves very +different from what they might be if you were a magnet for unpleasantness! + +Secondly, there are your friends. Do not let one person monopolize you, or +you her; do not have friends given to secrets, and do not let any one trap +you into a promise not to tell. If her secret is all right, she cannot +object to your telling your mother, and if it is silly you had better be +clear of it. And do not forget that nice people do not deal in secrets, +they keep their family affairs to themselves. It is the Rosa Matildas at +"Young Ladies' Academies" who have secrets in a corner. + +Thirdly, choose your book friends carefully. You live with people in +books, so have a conscience about your choice in this just as much as with +living friends. Some books are bad for any one; a great many more would do +harm to you, but perhaps not touch an older person. When I was your age, +many an argumentative book (which seems thin and empty to me now) might +have upset my faith. Many an exciting, passionate book (which I now read +with a calm and critical mind) would have filled my whole heart and soul! +Be thankful if you are kept under direction about books; but if you are +not, use common sense and conscience. Manage yourself sensibly, and since +you know that you are in a very mouldable, impressionable stage, it stands +to reason that you had better steadily read classics now, to form and +strengthen your mind. + +When a girl reads sentimental and passionate poetry, neglecting Scott, +Milton, and Wordsworth, I call it the same sort of wrong mismanaging of +herself as if she ruined her digestion with a greedy love of pastry. +Poetry and pastry are often the same sort of weak self-indulgence. + +I do not say read _no_ novels that are exciting and romantic, or even that +are silly, but I do say, sandwich them. Face the fact that a silly or +passionate novel is likely to have great power over you at this stage, and +therefore read very few of them, and read many of Scott, Thackeray, +Dickens, Miss Austen, and Mrs. Gaskell. + +Do not read society novels that make you live with flippant, irreverent, +or coarse people, or those who take sin lightly. + +It is not right for a girl to live with people in books who would not be +good friends for her in life, and she ought to make a conscience of not +doing it, even though there may be no definite bad scenes in the book to +shock her. + +Books should give you nice ideas. You have got the making of your own mind +and character in your own hands, and you are responsible for the books on +which you choose to feed yourself, for each one of them alters you for +good or bad. Your book list is a very good help to self-examination. + +There is a great deal to think about and to settle for yourself when you +begin life, but there are three points of goodness binding on every one. +One is, giving time to God. A girl must stick to her prayers and go to +Church on Sunday whether other people do or not. Sunday varies in +different households, and I think each girl is bound by her parents' +standard in the matter as long as she lives at home; when she marries she +should think the matter over and have her own standard. But the root of +Sunday-keeping lies in the fact that she must feed the Sunday side of her +or it will die; and she should go to Church, once at least, to show her +colours. As to how much she feeds that Sunday side, or when,--that varies +with the household, only she should resolve on something and stick to it. +You need not be disobliging, since you can always make time by denying +yourself. + +Secondly, have a standard in talk. You cannot tell your elders when you +think them wrong, but you should not join in, when your contemporaries say +what you think wrong. Speak out then, or at least be silent and +unresponsive. + +Thirdly, do something for other people, some steady kindness which you do +not give up just to suit your own convenience. + +Now, what plan of life should you have? You must have a plan and +resolution, for if you drift you are almost certain to drift _down_ and +not up. + +Yet you are quite rightly looking forward to a time of freedom. But +freedom means being able to command yourself, it does not mean being free +to drift without a helm. + +Also you will be under control to a certain extent. Very likely you will +sometimes resent control or reproof at home more than you would resent it +from an outsider! But you are a stage nearer that sad freedom of later +life when it is nobody's business to look after you, and you have now got +to learn how to use wisely that fuller freedom of later life. + +I hope you have been learning at school to use the comparative freedom of +"being out." I hope that, with both men and girls, you will remember what +I tell you here about not being silly and uncontrolled, or loud and +boisterous. The actual school rules pass away, but there is not one of +them that is not founded on some principle that I hope you will carry with +you and live by. + +The books, the music, the pictures in which you are interested here are +not mere lessons to be shut up joyfully when you leave! They are the great +interests and amusements of the friends whom you most value, and it would +be very disappointing if you did not use your free time in making +opportunities to carry them on better than at school, for you come here +mainly to find out what interesting things there are in the world you are +going into. + +But to go to practical details. Take a girl who wants to be good and +dutiful and useful, to be a comfort at home, to keep her brain in good +working order, and to enjoy herself: what should she resolve upon if she +is to be of use in the world and not drift idly along? She must think it +out for herself, and no longer wait for orders. She must put the salt of +self-denial and effort into every day, of her own accord, and not feel +absolved because her mother has not given any special orders. You are +responsible for your own life, and it is horribly easy to slide into a +slack, pleasure-seeking life which will eat all the good out of you. + +You must not fill the day with rules and employments so that people feel +you always engaged, yet, though you must seem disengaged, you must have a +real purpose underneath. You must be free to idle about after breakfast +while your mother or the visitors are settling the day's employments, and +yet you should aim at always having something to show for your morning, + + "Something accomplished, something done." + +It is more difficult to live an ordinary idle life well than a +hard-working one, because it rests entirely with you whether you put any +salt into your day, and because it is your duty to do much as other people +do, while at the same time, underneath, you must keep to your standard of +Right and Wrong. + +But, suppose a girl wants to arrange her own individual life on the best +possible lines. Had you better make your plan, and begin at once? + +There is great danger, if you wait, that your good resolutions will die +away, and you will never begin. And yet, when you first leave, you want a +little time to feel quite free, and your people like to feel you are quite +free to enjoy yourself. + +There is a great deal to be said for beginning at once, but I am not sure +about it! + +If you feel that you will _never_ begin good ways unless you do so at +once, then begin! But I am not sure that I should advise you to make your +Resolution at once, though I should like you to make your Plan. I should +like you to plan your day while you are here, and write it out: you will +not do much with Resolutions unless you write them. Plan what time you +will get up and go to bed (you should have a conscience about both); +settle a plan of your reading,--what books you want to read during the +first year, what poetry to learn, what subjects to study. Plan it all out, +and then seal it up, and keep it till Christmas comes. Then think over it, +and pray over it, before New Year's Day, and then start your definite +resolutions with the new year. + +But are you to fritter away the time between this and then? No, carry out +your ideas of reading sensible books and doing kind things for friends and +poor people, and saying your prayers and reading the Bible, and write down +every day exactly how much you did. Let your resolution be to keep a +record of these months, rather than a resolution to keep to a detailed +plan. Keeping a record is self-discipline in itself, it means +self-examination every night. If it shows you to be silly and idle and +unpersevering, it will make you ashamed of yourself. Also it will give +you some idea of how much time you can really count on getting. See how +your plan works before you promise God to keep it, and then you will not +make unwise resolutions at the New Year. + +In arranging one's life, it is well to take our Lord's three divisions of +Duty,--Prayer, Alms, and Fasting,--and see how our life and our plans +stand this test. + +_Prayer_.--Under this head you would notice whether your daily prayers, +and your attendance at the Holy Communion, were regular, and how you kept +Sunday. + +_Alms_.--What proportion of your money do you give away? You ought to give +away one shilling out of every half-sovereign which you spend on yourself; +and be sure you spend dress-money on dress, it is not honest to use it on +charity, or books, and then to look shabby. + +But money is only part of the giving which you owe: 'Such as I have give I +unto thee.' What have you got? You have got education. There may be girls +like yourself living near you who have less; could you not start some +sensible reading together? I remember delightful French and German and +Dante readings when we lived in the country,--eight or ten girls used to +come regularly, and we all enjoyed it. + +Are there no old people you could amuse in some way,--possibly with +whist? Or rather lonely people (aunts sometimes), to whom you could write +regularly; people like to be remembered, especially by the young! As long +as you are young your kindnesses are very much valued, and if you choose +to be selfish instead, it is forgiven you, but, as you are in youth so you +will be in middle life, therefore be careful. As I heard Mr. Clifford say, +"As long as you are young you may be selfish, or vain, or silly, and +people love you all the same! But, by the time you are thirty, people will +begin to say they will not stand it any longer, and by the time you are +forty or fifty you will be left to a lonely life!" So begin a _kind_ life +at once, and act towards all around you on the principle 'such as I have I +give thee.' Sometimes you can share your money, sometimes your pleasures, +sometimes your education. And remember that in the work and kindnesses +which you do for others, you must put first and foremost what you do for +your mother and father and home people. "_Haus Teuffel, Strasse Engel_" is +a bad name. The point of that text about 'Corban, it is a gift,' is, that +you must not feel absolved from duties at home, because you do good works +outside. Find out some home duty you can do regularly, and stick to it. I +dare say your mother may not suggest any to you, because she wants you to +have a good time, but think of _her_ pleasure and amusement; mothers +often talk as if they enjoyed being left at home, just to make more room +for you. Keep your eyes open, and find out what you can do to make life +pleasanter to her. Talk over your plans with her; often mothers do not +realize that a girl wants to find duties and kind things to do, and so +they only shower pleasures on her which do not satisfy her. + +If there seems no special work for you, be on the look-out to do the +things that other people do not like doing; that is the sort of person I +like better than any other,--the one who feels "somebody must do the +tiresome work, why shouldn't I?" Nothing you could do in the future would +please me so much as if you lived by that motto; and, if you add to it a +determination to make it quite a pleasure to your mother to find fault +with you, you will do well! + +So much for Prayer, our duty to God, and for Alms, our duty to our +neighbour; how about Fasting, our duty to ourself? + +What is the good of fasting? Is it simply that we should be uncomfortable? +No, the point of fasting is self-discipline and training. This is your +duty to self: not to get comfort or amusement or success in the world, +but, so to train, to drill, to feed and strengthen yourself, that you may +be a good soldier for God. + +Such questions as the proper amount of Rest and Amusement and Exercise +all come under this head, for we ought to aim at just as much as will make +us good soldiers, not to try for as much as we can get. + +We must manage ourselves; we must keep our bodies in good order, and keep +our brains keen and bright. Self-denial in sleep and food and drink are +part of this management. + +Early Rising ought to be on your list of resolutions. Some find it best to +name a certain hour, but then, if they are not called punctually, they +feel the resolution broken, and they very likely lie on slothfully. I +think it is best to resolve to get up either five or ten minutes after you +wake, or are called; look at your watch, and jump up when the time comes. + +When you are up, your Rule of Prayer is the first thing to think of and to +act on. + +And when you are dressed (carefully and prettily dressed), and your soul +is dressed in God's armour, what are you going to do with the new day God +has given you? + +First carry out some duty in the house; next see to your own improvement, +not as a self-ending pleasure, but in order to make yourself a useful +woman, to train you for better work in the future. + +_Reading_ is not the only kind of such training, but it is one of the +best kinds and gives you new ideas. I advise you to try for half an hour a +day, and to keep a list of the books you read:[1] make an abstract of a +sensible book once in three months: sandwich your English novels with +foreign ones: keep a sensible book on hand and, alternately with books you +fancy, read something a little above you: take up some special subject +every three or six months and read several books on it, or else read +through the books on my lists: read no novels before luncheon. + +It is seldom safe to fix the hour very decidedly; some one interrupts you, +and then you feel the rule broken and you get discouraged! + +Make a point of being occupied, keep some needlework on hand, idleness +leads to silly thoughts and self-indulgence. Do not be out-of-doors all +day; have something indoors to show for yourself. Feminine occupations +have a good result on the character, and help you to be quiet and +recollected, to be the womanly woman who makes a real Home for her father +and brothers. As Roger Ascham is reported by Landor to have said to Lady +Jane Grey, "exercise that beauteous couple, the mind and body, much and +variously; but at home, at home, Jane! indoors, and about things indoors." + +Mr. Lowell said that most men act as if they had sealed orders not to be +opened till middle life! I do not want you to waste your life like that, I +want you to feel that you have a definite purpose and that you know what +orders you ought to give yourselves, or rather what are God's orders for +your life. + +What is your purpose in life? I hope--Lord Bacon's words in our Tuesday +midday Prayer express it--"the glory of God and the relief of man's +estate." You go into life knowing how dearly the Lord Jesus Christ loves +you, at how dear a cost He bought you; therefore, not just to save your +souls, not just because you would be _afraid_ to live carelessly, but, +because of His amazing love, you will try to live as He asks you to do. +God grant you such a sense of that amazing love that you may rejoice to +spend and be spent in His service. + +And you will want to live for the relief of man's estate. The more your +eyes open to life, the more you see how many sore hearts there are in the +world, and (besides the well-dressed sorrows which are as sore as any) +there is the pain and poverty and sin of those who have no chance in the +world; what can you do for the poor--you who have so many chances in life, +who have so much love, so many pleasures? There may not be very much open +to you when you first grow up, and you may be very busy with your +pleasures and home duties. Let your mother enjoy your pleasures, she has +been planning them for years, but do what little things you can to +discipline yourself so that by-and-by (when you are free to work) you may +be a worker worth having. It is that which makes the waiting years worth +while. + +Often a girl gets tired of enjoying herself and longs for some purpose in +life, but she is tied in a hundred ways. Sometimes she loses her +aspirations, her wish to do some good in the world, and sinks down into an +idle round of small pleasures and worries. But do not you do that; rather +realize that, according as you spend your waiting time,--before you marry +or find some definite work,--such you will be when your opportunity comes: + + "Be resolute and great + To keep thy muscles trained: know'st thou when Fate + Thy measure takes, or when she'll say to thee, + 'I find thee worthy; do this thing for me'?" + +I was talking over East London work the other day with a worker, and she +was saying that the best preparation for usefulness lay in such common +things as cooking, cutting out, musical-drill, gardening, children's +games, neat business-like letters, keeping your own accounts, a power of +small talk! All these are possible to each of you, and a resolute putting +of salt into each day,--some discipline, some self-denial, some +thoroughness,--will turn you out able by-and-by to do good work for the +Relief of man's estate. + + "Be resolute and great + To keep thy muscles trained" + +that you may be fit to do something to show forth your sense of the +exceeding great love of our Master and only Saviour Jesus Christ. + +[Footnote 1: "Record of a Year's Reading" (6_d_. Mowbray) would be useful +to you.] + + + + +Conversation. + + +Tourgenieff has a story in which three young princes, one by one, went +into an enchanted garden and plucked a magic apple which gave the eater +one wish. The first asked for money, the second for beauty, the third for +the good-will of old women. The third proved to be the successful one. + +If a fairy godmother offered you one gift, what would you choose? I am not +sure that you would not do well to imitate that shrewd young prince! It is +old ladies who can teach you knowledge of the world, and whose good-will +gets you the most desirable invitations! However, you can easily gain +their good-will without any apple, so that, on the whole, I should advise +a princess to choose the gift of being a good Talker--or rather one who +produces good Talk. + +A woman Macaulay, even with brilliant flashes of silence, is not loved: +you do not want a hostess who "holds forth," but one who sets her guests +talking; and every woman is the hostess when she is talking to a man, or +to any one younger or shyer than herself. You should make people go away +with a regretful feeling that they missed a great deal by having talked so +much themselves that they heard very little from you. + +Do you think it is easy to listen--that it means mere silence? I assure +you it means nothing of the sort; it means listening with all your heart +and soul and mind, and making the speaker feel, by your way of listening, +that you _have_ a heart and a soul and a mind. There could not well be +anything further from the person who makes him feel that there is a mere +dead wall of silence before him _at_ which he is talking. + +Listening is a fine art and requires great tact and a peculiar delicate +perception of the shades that are passing over the speaker's mind, and +dictating (often unconsciously) the words he says--words which in +themselves do not convey his mind, unless you are of the family of the +Interpreter in Bunyan, and know by instinct what he feels. + +Only a large heart of quick understanding has this gift; but we help our +heart wonderfully by keeping our mind keen. The heart is apt to be very +blundering and stupid by itself; just as the mind is very apt to go off on +a wrong scent about people, unless you have a warm heart to throw true +light on their motives. + +A _quick-witted heart_ is what I should put as the first requisite for a +good talker; and next a _noble heart_--a heart that cares for the best +side of things and people, a heart which brings out the bearable side of +circumstances, and the nobler side of people, and the interesting side of +subjects. + +Some people are like Kay, in Anderson's "Snow Queen," they have a bit of +ice in their heart, and they see all the smallnesses and absurdities about +them, instead of being alive to the pathos, or endurance, or good-nature +of the apparently stupid lives round them. They are always in a critical, +carping, superior frame of mind. These people can often talk brilliantly, +but it is thin. You cannot have a large mind without a large heart. 'We +live by admiration, hope, and love;' without these, we cease to live--we +wither. + +The best talk is kindly; any fool can point out flaws, said Goethe (who +certainly had a great mind, whatever his heart was like),--it takes a +clever man to discern excellencies. A good talker makes other people feel +they are much cleverer than they had before realized; they are at their +best, thanks to the listener who draws out the best side of them. It is +delightful to be with some people--you are sure of hearing good +talk--interesting subjects spring up wherever they are. + +Perhaps you have a friend staying with you who is one of these delightful +people, and you say: "Oh dear! I must go and pay a duty visit--it will be +so dull, but do come with me." And, lo and behold! that visit is +delightful, for your friend made that dull person into an interesting one +by getting her to talk and show her real self. For the real self of every +soul is interesting, only it often has such a "buried life" that we are +not skilful enough to find it. + +Now, does your way of talking bring out the best side of yourself and of +those you talk to? + +School gives you tremendous opportunities of adding to the kindliness and +nice-mindedness of the world; for there you talk with a large number who, +like yourself, are not yet made, and who are, therefore, more coloured by +the person they talk to than older people would be. + +There are people in the world who never hear unkind gossip or vulgar +jokes, for no one would think of saying such things to them. I know girls +who would never have such things said--who would never get a letter +written to them that was not of a nice tone--because, instinctively, their +friends would feel such things out of harmony with them. + +When girls are silly, or spiteful, or not quite nice in what they say to +you, it pays _you_ a bad compliment; do not in your own mind merely +condemn _them_. They would not say it to you if they felt you above talk +of that kind. You may be above it in your own mind and may feel that your +home surroundings are on a higher level than such talk; but either you +have not had the courage to show your colours, or else you are like that +in your heart, and they know it by instinct. + +See to it that you keep at your best: for the danger of school is the +temptation to follow a multitude to do, not evil, but folly. + +Many, from indolence or thoughtlessness, or from yielding to the bad bit +in them, join in silly school talk, silly mysteries, giggling, criticizing +other people, boasting about home, loud, rough ways of talking, slang, +cliques and exclusive friendships (every one of which is underbred, as +well as silly or unkind), and are yet, three-quarters of them, fit for +something better,--at home they _would_ be better, and at school they +_could_ be better. + +Many people dread schools for fear of wrong talk going on; now some of you +may (through gossip, or newspapers, or servants, or novels) know of bad +things or fast things; and it is perhaps not your fault that you know; but +_it is a very heavy sin on your conscience if you hand on your knowledge_ +and make others dwell on wrong things which would never have been in their +minds but for you. Books or friends which give us a knowledge of +wickedness, do more harm than we know. + +Never have the blood-guiltiness on your head of teaching evil to others, +or leading their minds to dwell on it. Some find it much harder to get rid +of such thoughts than others do--they may be more naturally inclined to +it, and you may have woke up in them far more harm than you guess. + +Your very first duty when you are thrown with others is to see that _no +one shall ever be less nice-minded because they knew you_. See to it that +no one learns anything about evil through your being with them. You can +very easily soil a mind, and you can never wash it clean. + +If you feel the least doubt about a thing, do not say it--do not tell the +story; if you want to ask a question and feel in the very least +uncomfortable about it, hold your tongue, or ask your mother instead. + +There are many things which it is not wholesome to talk about among +yourselves, but which it is quite right to ask your mother about, or any +one in her place, if you find yourself dwelling on them. Of course this +includes everything which makes you feel at all hot, with a sense of +something not quite nice;--everything in books which it would make you hot +to read out loud (an excellent test);--and _I_ include all uncanny things +such as ghosts and palmistry and fortune-telling:--these are not safe +things to talk about, and I ask you as my particular wish not to do it, +though you are quite welcome to unburden your mind to me if you wish to do +so! I think your common sense will bear me out in not wanting them talked +about among yourselves, because you never know who may take it seriously +or what harm you may be doing, though as I have read "The Mysteries of +Udolpho" to you, you will see that it is not the subject, but the +indiscriminate talking which I object to! + +But apart from wrong talk, what sort of silly talk are you likely to be +infected with at school? It is not unlikely that among a number of girls +there will be one with a hawk's eye for dress, who knows exactly how a +trimming went, and how long this or that has been worn; in fact, she takes +in every detail of the dress of each person she sees for a minute, and can +talk of it by the hour! She may have no harm in her, but she is first +cousin to a milliner's apprentice (and is mentally the poor relation of +the two, since the milliner notices these things as a part of business, +and very likely has other interests in life for her spare time). If the +girl wishes to prove herself of different family, she needs to put to +sleep the side of her that belongs to the keen-eyed young lady behind the +counter, by feeding other sides of her mind, and turning her powers of +observation on to other things. + +I should like you to be faultlessly dressed outside, and I should like you +to be perfectly well inside; but I should not admire you if your chief +subject of conversation was the devices by which you arrived at the dress, +or the decoctions you took to arrive at the health. + +Copy the flowers of the field, not only in prettiness, but in giving an +impression that you grow as naturally as they do! Make us feel that you +_could_ not have anything ugly or awkward or unbecoming about you. Your +dress and your rooms and your dinners should be perfect, but do not +entertain your guest with the mere mechanism of how you arrive at any one +of them. Give time and thought to this machinery of life--enough to +produce the right result, and then go on to the real interests, for which +they are only the stage. I do not want a sloven, but I want a girl who is +a real person and not a mere _poupée modèle_ to show off dresses. + +Petty gossip is the prevailing danger of any small community such as a +girls' school. Provincial gossip, Matthew Arnold would call it--provincial +being one of his severest adjectives for the Philistines whom his soul +abhors,--by which he means that their talk is limited to their +narrow-minded local gossip, so that when a stranger comes from a larger +world, they have nothing in common. I think his use of that word marks his +French turn of mind;--parochial would be the better expression in England, +where the talk is very often literally parochial,--besides deserving the +word in its wider meaning, as describing talk which is full of +unimportant, local, and personal facts, instead of belonging to the larger +world of ideas. + +English girls, as a whole, are supposed to be bad at talking--to giggle +among themselves, and to have nothing to say on general subjects. But, +besides this, there is a certain love of silly mysteries and secrets in +some girls, which is apt to be too much for their common sense. + +Some girls are so keen to chatter, and make themselves interesting at any +cost, that they tell their family's private affairs or discuss the faults +of their nearest relations. I am sure you would all remember that any one, +with a grain of decent family pride, washes every bit of dirty linen at +home, and holds their tongue about family news till they are sure it is +public property, and to the family credit! If you ever want to talk about +such things for real reasons, always go to an older friend and not to one +of your own age; for an older friend would know enough of the world to +take it up by the right handle and to hold her tongue. + +Again, some girls fancy that a little theatre gossip marks them out as +women of the world. To talk about a play and about the good and bad +strokes of acting is one thing:--the petty personal gossip about the +actors and actresses is on the same level, to my mind, as the talking +about dukes and duchesses by those who read of them in a society paper, +without ever expecting to meet them. + +Again, there is some school talk which is undesirable, though not wrong. I +mean talk about the things which belong to your future life, but which +are just the sides of it that you want your education to help you to keep +in proper proportion. There are interests, such as hunting and dancing, +which are all right in their own time and place, but which make a silly, +empty mind when they are your chief mental food. You come to school to +take an interest in work, and in bookish things generally. It is not so +easy to do this when you are in the full swing of home amusements, and so +you come away for a sort of mental retreat, during which it will be easier +to you to let your bookish and thoughtful side grow. Here you are, and +your home amusements are left behind. Would it not be a pity to let your +mind keep running on the very things from which you have come away? Do not +let your tongue or your mind run on the amusements of home--they prevent +your taking real interest in your work. + +Also there should be no talk about religious differences. Of course, you +all come from different homes and have somewhat different teaching, and I +do not wish you ever to discuss those differences. Every one should keep +to her home ways, and try to live up to them. Religious controversy never +yet made any into better Christians, and it generally makes them worse! + +Avoid Religious gossip about the services and the clergy. Make it a rule +for yourself, wherever you are, never to criticize the clergyman or the +sermon. Very likely you might say something to the point--it might do him +good if he heard it! That will not happen, and what _will_ happen is, that +you will do yourself harm by being critical or amused, instead of making +your mind devout. If your "mind" knows that, whatever it may notice in +church, your "will" is not going to allow it to speak of, then your +critical part goes to sleep. A joke loses its amusingness if one is not +going to tell it, and you are then able to think only of your Prayers and +Resolutions. + +Purity and Reverence are the two main things in talk, but how about Sense? + +There is one class of girl I have sometimes noticed with amused regret--I +dare say you have too--though she is by no means so objectionable as the +other kind I spoke of. She is a would-be child of nature. She has no +thoughtfulness or weight about her; she is an engaging kitten who exists +on the rather inadequate stock-in-trade of nice eyes; she is quite +irresponsible and useless, and tells you so, in an ingenuous way, for +which her nearest and dearest long to box her ears! I would call her "The +Artless Japanese," remembering the princess in the _Mikado_, who says, "I +sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why I am so charming." + +Again, very often a girl of your age gets a good deal of society in the +holidays or before she comes. She comes to school on purpose to keep away +from that, till the right time for it comes (when I hope she will have +plenty of it!) + +Now, when a girl is not much accustomed to society (especially to men's +society), it sometimes turns her head, and she gets an idea that any joke +about a man is amusing. I will not say that this sort of a joke is like a +servant, for a well-brought-up servant puts many a young lady to shame by +her nice-mindedness. Young ladies' academies are supposed to be full of +that sort of thing--for which there is no word but vulgar--and when such +girls leave such academies to go home for good, they are always in holes +and corners either with a man, or with another girl talking about one. A +man does not respect that kind of girl--though he will go just as far with +her as she will let him--and he will tell it again at his club, and +probably to his sisters. If _she_ does not mind about her dignity, why +should _he_? There is hardly a man living who would not make game of the +advances of the girl who admires him, just as there is hardly a man living +who would speak to others of the girl he loves. Unluckily, every idiotic +girl (who is silly about him) thinks she is the one he cares for, and +never realizes how she is "giving herself away!" + +And the worst of it is, that the girl is not only lowering herself, she is +lowering a man's standard of Woman in general. You, each one of you, help +to decide whether your brothers and every man you meet shall have a high +or a low standard about women. I assure you, when I think of girls I have +known of (and heard of from men), I wonder that men have any respect for +women at all. + +We shall never know how much of Dante's nobleness was due to his having +once known a girl in Florence, who never was in any specially close +relationship to him. He met her at the gatherings of Florentine ladies, +where she must have heard his songs, but the most close personal +intercourse they had was one day when they passed each other in the +street, and she bowed to him,--"From that salute, humbleness flowed all +his being o'er." Do you say, he was a poet, and Beatrice was one of the +most famous of all Fair Women, and therefore they are no guide for you? +What man has not got poetry in him, waiting for the woman he loves to wake +it? and what woman does not possess that womanhood which is, by God's +ordering, in itself an attraction to a man, and which it rests with her so +to use--by self-restraint and love of noble things--that she may be, to +every man about her, something of what Beatrice was to Dante?--he may know +very little of her, and care less, but she will have helped to raise his +idea of what a woman should be. + +Women have a great deal to answer for as regards men, and every girl +should do her best to be on the right side and to help a man to be at his +best, by showing that she thinks silliness and vulgar chaff objectionable. +Every girl sets the tone of those she talks with, for every one's +conscience responds to the tacit appeal of a nice-minded girl's dislike of +these things. If you do not respond, it checks such talk wonderfully. + +Boys are sometimes told that they must swim with the stream at school and +join in bad talk because "everybody does it," but the nice boy stands out +and does not, and helps weaker ones thereby. + +Girls have a much smaller temptation in that way--more to silliness than +to actual wrong; but your tone--in these matters that I speak of--helps +your brothers in their battles with downright wrong. Every boy who knows +his sister's standard is very high, is helped far more than he is +conscious of, by her influence,--and far more than she ever knows, for she +does not know all his temptations. + +Women have been trained to nice-mindedness by centuries of public +opinion--they have always been admired for it, and blamed if they lack it; +while men have not been so trained; therefore women have a special power +of helping men, who are, consequently, not likely to be born so particular +about these things as women are. + +Always feel responsible for what you laugh at: very often people say +things tentatively to see if you will laugh: you help to fix their +standard by the way you take it, and you often throw your weight into the +wrong scale because you are afraid of seeming priggish. A man's sense of +humour is different from a woman's; when you go into the world you must be +careful not to laugh just because a man makes a joke, until you are quite +sure that it is one to laugh at. Perhaps your host makes it, and his wife +looks a trifle grave: then be quick to take your cue from her and to +notice what nice women think nice for a woman. + +Very often in talking to girls and preparing them for life, the whole +question of flirtation and nonsense is left out--there is not even as much +said as in Mrs. Blackett's village, where the clergyman's wife put every +girl through a special catechism before she left to go to service, part of +which was, "Lads, Sally?" The correct answer briskly given by Sally was, +"Have naught to do with them--but if they _will_, tell mother." + +The whole subject of getting married, or falling in love, or meeting a man +you _may_ fall in love with, is often smothered up out of sight, as if it +were something wrong. If you have your life so full of other interests +that it does not concern you till the real thing comes, so much the +better--you will lose the pleasantest five years of your life if you turn +your mind in this direction too soon. + +What often happens is that it is plentifully thought of and talked of +among the girls, and hidden away from the mothers and any older friends. +Either do not speak of it at all, or let it be an open straightforward +thing, instead of a Rosa Matilda mystery. So often a girl feels a +delightful spice of impropriety in any remark about a man or a boy. If she +had more to do with them she would not be so silly--unless she had a very +odd sort of menkind belonging to her; but you will find girls (very +unattractive ones, too) always imagining that a man is in love with them, +or else being silly themselves over every other man they meet. + +What I am describing is, of course, very vulgar; but, from the castle to +the cottage, no house is folly-proof, though the outward manifestations of +it may be less objectionable where the manners are better. + +Now, with regard to all the kinds of talk which I have singled out as +undesirable, please understand, that except in speaking of wickedness (or +worse still nastiness), which is always a sin and needs your penitent +confession and God's absolution, all these things are wrong, only in the +wrong place and wrong way and wrong proportion. + +If you are keen about any of them, and want dreadfully to talk about it, +do so; let it out, if you cannot fill your mind with other things; only, +do it with an older person, so as to save yourself from that demon of +silliness who hovers about a room where girls are alone together. He is +powerless unless you invoke him; but remember, he is always there, eagerly +watching his opportunity. + +I advise you to make it a rule for yourself always to go to an older +friend, when you want to talk about anything that might be not quite nice, +or that might verge on silliness. If conscience or prudence give any +pricks in the matter, go to an elder. You do not know how much such a rule +would save you from, and if you say, "but that is impossible, she would +not understand!" then I say to you, "well, it is always possible to hold +your tongue, though _I_ do not wish to impose such a severe penance on +you; I only say, talk to a safe friend, or to none." + +This question of talk is a very practical one in school life. Probably +most of you think privately, "How silly girls are!" What do _you_ do, to +make the mass less silly? That sort of infectious silliness is the great +danger of school life, but the chatter is made up by individuals, who +could each talk instead of chattering: remember that a girl at school need +not be a schoolgirl; but she is in great danger of it, unless she is +careful! + +When you live at home you do not talk nonsense at dinner, you probably +join in sensible talk. Well, do not alter because you are with girls, and +say complacently in your heart "How silly the others are!" Your +neighbours would not be silly if you did not admire it. You yourself are +part of the mass you are criticizing. On which side do your words go--talk +or chatter? Watch yourselves, and see how your words, each day, can fairly +be divided between those two scales. + +"By thy words thou shall be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be +condemned." Are these words too solemn to use, after suggestions on talk +which may seem to you to have been occupied with very petty and ignoble +details? Surely not, for your talk on these commonplace matters really +settles your standard, and that of the world about you, on the deepest +moral questions. The common talk of the day is both cause and effect of +the morality of the day. + +May I suggest some thoughts for self-examination on the matter? One good +question to put daily to yourself is, "How much of my talk to-day was for +myself, and against others? Perhaps I was too well-mannered to boast, but +have I turned things to my own advantage, shown up my own strong points, +instead of trying to help others to shine? Have I tried to get cheap +credit for wit, by sharp speeches, _would-be_ clever criticism and pulling +people to pieces? Have I started, or handed on, spiteful remarks?" If you +like, use another question, and ask yourself, "Was I like S. Theresa, 'An +Advocate of the Absent'?" Or ask, "Have I, by my way of speaking _or +listening_, lowered any one's standard to-day?" Very often people say +things or make jokes tentatively, to see how we shall take it, and through +fear of being stiff or priggish we surprise them by seeming to enjoy what +they were rather uncertain about. It is quite curious how ashamed most +people generally are of seeming as good as they really are; they "hide +their best selves as if they had stolen them." If they would show their +colours, they would find that many of the apparently careless people they +meet do care about the real interests of life. If they themselves do care +and yet try to seem careless, are they not responsible for half the +carelessness in those about them? + +"The manner of our ordinary conversation," says Bishop Wilson, "is that +which either hardens people in wrong, or awakens them to the right. We +always do good or harm to others by the manner of our conversation." + + + + +Aunt Rachel; or, Old Maids' Children. + + +"What is the matter, my dear" said Aunt Rachel to her favourite niece, +Urith Trevelyan, who was spending the Easter holidays with her. "You look +fit to be a sister in mind, though I hope not in manners, to the Persian +poet, who described himself as 'scratching the head of Thought with the +nails of Despair.'" + +"I think life is very difficult," remarked Urith, with a solemn sigh. + +"There I partly agree with you," said Aunt Rachel; "especially to people +who insist on doing to-morrow's duty with to-day's strength. I doubt very +much if the holiday task, which I see in your hand, is the cause of this +gloom." + +"Oh dear, no! I was thinking what shall I do with myself when I leave +school at Midsummer; it will be so very hard to read by myself." + +"My good child, do attend to what you are doing; you are just like the man +in the 'Snark,' who had + + "'luncheon at five o'clock tea, + And dined on the following day.' + +"I wish you would dine off that unfortunate task to-day, and when you have +finished it we will talk about your future work." + +The task did not take long when Urith fairly gave her mind to it, and the +next day she and her aunt started for a distant cottage at the far end of +the parish. Urith seized the opportunity, and began as the door closed +behind them-- + +"Now, Aunt Rachel, how can I do everything I ought when I leave school? I +shall know nothing of Greek or Roman history, or mythology, or French or +German history, or even of English, except the period we have been just +doing, and I have done only a few books in the literature class, and none +in foreign literature, and I have forgotten all my geography, and I shall +have Latin and Greek to keep up, and French and German and chemistry, and +I don't know anything, hardly, of modern books, or of architecture or +natural history, or philosophy, or of cooking"--here, in her ardour, she +tripped over a stone, and her aunt availed herself of the pause to say-- + +"Add Shakespeare and the musical glasses, and you will have a tolerably +complete programme before you." + +"Yes, Aunt Rachel, you need not laugh, you always say girls are so +uneducated, and can't respond to literary allusions; but how are they to +become educated when there is so much to be done?" + +"My dear Urith, there is a very wise Irish proverb, 'Never cross a bridge +till you come to it,' and though this bridge of culture seems such a +bridge of sighs to you, I really do not think it need be. In the first +place, it has not got to be crossed in one year. You get far more law now +than in my young days, for you and your friends are not expected to come +out full-blown heroines at seventeen or eighteen; you are almost expected +to carry on your education for some time longer. It is not safe to count +on it, for real life may come on you in a dozen ways when you once leave +the safety of the schoolroom, but you will probably get several years of +tolerable quiet, and, if I were you, I would not spend my first year in a +desperate effort to fill up all the gaps in my education, and to go on +with school-work in the school spirit. I should take my first year of +freedom as the arbour on the Hill Difficulty, where Christian rested; the +lord of that country does not like pilgrims to stay there for good, but +they go on all the better for it afterwards. I should look on this year as +being the ornamental fringe to the intellectual dress you have been +weaving for yourself at school. And do not forget that the dress and the +trimming are not an end in themselves--they are only to enable you to +leave the house with decency, to go about your business; and at the end of +the first year I should count up my possessions and see where I was +wanting--if the dress proved thin, I would then set to work and furnish +myself with a jacket, by hard, steady work in the second year." + +"But some of my school-work will be wasted if I don't keep it up." + +"Quite true; but do not keep it up simply because you have once begun it; +some of your lessons will have done their work by ploughing and harrowing +your mind, and may be left behind. The use of school is to teach you how +to use your mind, and to try your hand at several branches of study, that +you may be able to follow whichever suits you." + +"But I have not got any particular turn for anything, and it seems a pity +to drop things." + +"Yes, it is a pity, but you are not going to teach, and you will have to +do the best you can. You had better make up your mind, before you begin +life, as to what sort of woman you want to be, and then cut your coat +according to your cloth, for if you begin by wanting to keep up +everything, you will probably end by dropping everything, in despair." + +"Well, I want to keep up Latin and Greek and French and German, and +Algebra and Geometry and Chemistry and Mechanics, as well as English +subjects." + +"And seeing that your day will probably be only twenty-four hours long, I +fear 'want will be your master'! If you had a strong turn for any one of +these subjects, I should say keep it up, by all means; but as you have +not, I have very strong doubts whether you will find mathematics or +classics much use to you. You know enough to take them up again if ever +you wanted to help a beginner." + +"Then do you think Latin and Greek and mathematics no good for a woman?" + +"Certainly not; you will read your newspaper, and the books of the day, in +quite a different way now that your mind has been trained by these +subjects, but you do not need to keep the scaffolding up when your house +is built!" + +"It does seem a pity!" + +"Well, I do not want to debar you from these subjects if you really enjoy +them; there would be a reason for going on, if they were intense pleasure +to you, but I suspect you do them as 'lessons,' and, if so, you had better +forsake them for things that directly tend to make you useful." + +"Oh, cooking and nursing, and that sort of thing." + +"Yes; but I was not thinking of that sort of thing. I meant things that +bring you closer to others; Madame Schwetchine says that every fresh +sorrow we endure is like learning a fresh language, because it enables us +to speak to a fresh set of souls in their own tongue, and to sympathize. +Every fresh thing that you learn brings you in sympathy with a fresh set +of people. It gives pleasure and ease to a stranger to find that some one +in his new circle knows his old home, and we can try to be at home in the +mental country of each person we meet, so as to be able to respond to +them. If you are a genius you can have your own country, and wait in it, +till you meet some fellow-countryman; but as you only want to be an +ordinary woman, 'not too bright and good for human nature's daily food,' +you will give far more pleasure to others, and widen and strengthen your +own mind far more, by being able to join on easily to all you meet, than +by pursuing some one abstruse study, whether it be mathematics or +philosophy." + +"But it seems such a small thing to spend one's mind in learning odds and +ends of other people's hobbies." + +"But I would have a hobby of my own, and do some steady stiff reading, +only, as you are going to be a woman, and not a student, I would choose +reading that linked me to as many as possible of other people's interests. +How dull and shy poor little Miss Smith was yesterday, till I found that +she knew Venice as well as I did. After that she quite enjoyed her visit." + +"Yes, but I could not have talked about Italy. I never have a chance of +going abroad." + +"You do not know when you may go, and if you went to-morrow it would be a +case of 'No Eyes.' You do not know an interesting piece of architecture +when you see it, you would not know what pictures to look for, you would +not know the history of the places you went to, and, in short, you would +miss nine-tenths of the best points, for want of knowing they were there." + +"Yes; I might read up countries, but it is so unlikely that I should ever +see them, that it does not seem much use to read up for nothing." + +"Well, supposing that you did not go, but that you had read books on +Italian Art, and made out a list of the pictures you wanted to see at each +great town--Florence, Venice, Rome, Siena--and knew about each painter, +his history, his style, and photographs of his works, and copied out under +each picture what good critics had said of it, or at least put a reference +to the book where it was mentioned (_e.g._ Kingsley's description of +Bellini's Doge; Browning on Fra Lippo Lippi's Coronation of the Virgin; +Ruskin's best descriptions); and if you looked out all the famous men of +each town, and knew their history, and what parts of the town were sacred +to them; if you studied the buildings of each town, looked up its +architecture, and tried to draw it from photographs and illustrations, and +then hunted out all the poetry and novels about each place, and drew out a +sketch of its history, marking where the local history of the town +dovetailed into larger European interests, and specially where it touched +England--I think, after this, you would enjoy meeting any one from Italy +almost as much as if you had been there, and you would not feel you had +read up for nothing. I should take a fresh country every year, and make +believe that you were going to it next summer, and that you were getting +ready to be 'Eyes,' and not 'No Eyes,' while there. You would have got the +spirit of the country by this, far more than ninety-nine out of a hundred +of those who go to it in the flesh. You are leaving school at eighteen, +and by the time you are five and twenty, _i.e._ before you are fully grown +up, you might have thus visited Italy, France, Germany, Spain, America, +India, which would make you a fairly cultivated person." + +"But it is so hard to get books; I can read Ruskin while I am with you, +and when I am with Uncle Charles I could find some of the others I should +want, but I can't get hold of a course of reading at home." + +"But if you have such a large peg as Italy on which to hang your reading, +you can always find something which bears on it--you can borrow an odd +book here and there, or pick up bits in a stray magazine; several of the +books you would want are cheap to buy, and, if you keep a list of them, +you will be surprised to find from what odd quarters they turn up. People +have a way of saying, 'Oh, do recommend me a book,' as if all subjects +were equally interesting, or rather uninteresting, and they borrow the +first that comes, reading it as a duty, quite regardless of the fact that +it does not belong to anything they have read before, or will read after; +but if they had made up their mind on a subject, the lending friend would +take far more interest, and probably hunt up something that bore on the +subject, while the reader would be more likely to get good." + +"But if I begin Ruskin here, and then go home, where I may perhaps find an +Italian history, and then go for another visit and find something else, it +will all be so disjointed." + +"Yes, it would be nicer if you could go on with art or architecture; but +your reading will not be so desultory as to be useless, if it is all +strung on the one thread of Italy, and then you can group it, as you go +along, in a commonplace book. I should take a large one, and divide it +among the towns I wanted to see, and then subdivide the pages given to, +_e.g._ Florence, under the heads of art, history, famous men, +architecture, poetry, novels, and, as I read anything on these subjects, I +should jot down the substance of it under the right heading, or if it was +a poem, just give the title and one or two of the best lines. And you +could keep up your French and German at the same time--suppose you read +_Corinne_ and the _Improvisator_, they would both help to keep you in an +Italian atmosphere." + +"Yes, I could keep up my reading, but how about the grammar?" + +"I should recommend you to take a very conversational novel and turn a +page of it into both French and German every week; this would keep up all +the rules of grammar, and, though you might make mistakes, you would gain +fluency in expressing yourself, which is much more needed than grammatical +accuracy if you go abroad, for a course of lessons will set you right +about the grammar at any time, but would not make you talk, if you had +allowed yourself to get tongue-tied by not practising translation from +English into French; and I should advise you to translate very freely, and +use the dictionary as little as possible; if you cannot remember the exact +rendering, twist the sentence and paraphrase it, till you can manage it, +simply to learn to express your thoughts easily. I should say an hour a +week of this would keep up both French and German." + +"But you have said nothing of English History and Literature." + +"I should be inclined to drop English History for the first year, because +you know so much more of that than of Foreign and Ancient History, but if +you like it I should take some one prominent reign--Elizabeth or Charles +I., or Anne or George III., and get to know all the chief people, read +their memoirs, and what they themselves wrote, so as to feel among friends +whenever you hear a name of that period mentioned--and read all essays, +etc. that you can find upon it. To keep your mind generally open, I should +make a chart of contemporary history and another of literature, taking one +century a month, and leaving plenty of space for adding things afterwards. +In Literature, I should take one of the Men of Letters every month, or one +of the Foreign Classics, and at the same time read any of the man's own +works that I could. Modern poets and novelists and essayists I should read +at odd times, _specially making it a matter of conscience never to open a +novel before luncheon_! I should read my poets not only promiscuously, as +the fancy took me, but compare their treatment of different subjects; +_e.g._, you might make yourself a private New Year's Eve service, of all +the poems on it you can find--Coleridge, Tennyson, and Elia's prose poem +on the same subject. Or you could make a Shepherd's Calendar for yourself, +and copy out under each month what poets have said about it, and its +flowers and features generally: or a Poet's Garden; collect all the bits +about flowers, and make a 'Poet's Corner' in your garden, admitting no +flower that cannot bring some poetry as its credential. It will make +country life far more enjoyable if you know your poets as Thomas +Holbrook, in 'Cranford,' knew Tennyson." + +"I should like all that, Aunt Rachel; but you have not said anything that +sounds like stiff reading yet." + +"No; and you ought to have something that will tax all your powers, as +well as this general cultivation, which will be all pleasant. I should +take some really stiff book, on Logic or Political Economy, or Butler's +'Analogy,' and after each morning's work make a careful analysis of the +argument, leaving one side of your MS. book blank, that you may put in +afterwards any illustrations or criticisms of your own, or others, that +may occur to you in the future. I should always keep a stiff book in hand +and treat it so, even if all other regularity and plan in my reading fell +through--it would be a backbone." + +"But I shall have so much writing to do if I am to make a commonplace book +on each subject." + +"It will make you slower, but much surer. I know a girl who writes a +review of every book she reads, giving extracts, and an abstract of the +argument and her own opinion of it. She finds it most useful, both as +practice in expressing her thoughts and for reference afterwards." + +"But it would take so long." + +"You would be well repaid, and you would not read any books in your time +for study which were not worth taking trouble with. In reading a book, I +should put a mark to everything that struck me, and at the end of a +chapter should look over the marked bits, and put a second mark to those +parts that seemed specially important, after I had mastered the drift of +the chapter. It would then be easy, when you had finished the book, to +write a review, for you would only look at the doubly marked bits." + +"And am I to do no science?" + +"I should vary your science with your opportunities, because you have no +strong turn for any one in particular. When you go to town in the winter +for that long visit you should get some cooking lessons, and before you go +you should get the books recommended by the South Kensington Cookery +School, and study the bookwork on the subject. When you go away in the +summer, you should take up geology, or botany, or whatever suits the place +you go to." + +"But I shall only have smatterings of things at this rate!" + +"Smatterings are very good things in their way, so long as you are not +misled into thinking them more than they are! They are the keys which will +enable you, in the future, to follow up the subject for which you may have +any special opportunities. They also prevent your being quite a dumb note +anywhere,--it is something to be able to listen intelligently! Besides, if +your mind is open on all sides, you will never find any one dull, for you +are almost certain to be able to gain information on some one of the +subjects you are interested in." + +"I don't see how I can get all these things in, Aunt Rachel, for I shan't +have much time." + +"I think you might manage two hours a day, and I should divide the week +thus: Monday and Friday I should give to Italy or any subject which you +meant to take as the staple of your reading; Tuesday take a science, and +Wednesday English literature; Thursday take a stiff book and half an hour +of French; Saturday take ancient history or mythology and half an hour of +German. I should write an essay every week at odd moments, if I were you, +for you ought to think things out for yourself as well as filling your +mind with other people's thoughts by reading, but you could work out your +essay in your head while walking or waiting for any one. I should also +advise you to make a list of every book you read after leaving school; you +will find it very interesting in after years, especially if you put a +short criticism on each."[2] + +"But surely I had better do more than one subject in a day? I should get +tired of reading one book for two hours." + +"You might vary your treatment of the subject. For instance, take notes +of the History of Italy for one hour, and look out descriptions of +pictures for another. In literature you could read about your author for +one hour, and read his works for the next. In your science, give half the +time to book-work, and the rest to practical work." + +"But would it not be a more thorough change to go to a new subject?" + +"So it would, but you may not be able to fit in two hours' reading with +your duty to your neighbour! On any day that you could honestly be only a +half-timer, you are far less likely to get careless, and to despair of +regularity, if you get a bit of your day's subject, than if you have to +leave one of your subjects entirely undone." + +Even Aunt Rachel's good advice came to an end at last, as in course of +time did Urith's visit, and also the Midsummer term, after which she left +school with the best possible intentions, and announced them at home with +much dignity. But, far from being allowed to carry on her course of study, +it became a study with her two small brothers to prevent such morbid +fancies from taking effect. They won golden opinions from the servants +those holidays, who said that the young gentlemen had never been so little +trouble before. They suddenly became as full of "resources within +themselves" as Mrs. Elton herself, to the admiration of the whole family, +except of the unfortunate Urith, who might have unravelled the mystery, +since the cultivation of her domestic virtues by startling and unexpected +interruptions of her reading, occupied such of their spare time as was not +devoted to the mental exercise of devising new plans for her discomfiture +on the morrow. + +But, happily for Urith, holidays are terminable, and when the boys left +she hoped to do great things. But visitors came to stay in the house, +special friends of her own, with strong theories as to the value of +co-operation in the matter of brushing their hair at night. + +Midnight conversations did not conduce to work before breakfast or to much +energy after it. It was, therefore, with very mingled feelings that Urith +welcomed Aunt Rachel, her outside conscience, whose yearly visit was +usually an unmixed pleasure to her. + +Having written much about her intentions at first starting, she was not +surprised when her aunt, on the first evening of her visit, settled +herself for a talk, and began-- + +"How is the reading going on? You were very sensible in saying that you +meant to begin at once on leaving school, so as not to get out of the +habit of work, and as you have now had three months I suppose you have +something to show for it?" + +"Well, I thought I should have had, but, you see, the boys wouldn't let +me!" + +"I don't see why you need have drawn the boys' attention to what you were +doing; but since they left--" + +"The house has been full!" + +"Yes, my dear, but as you generally do have visitors, your reading will +never flourish at this rate." + +"Well, I couldn't neglect them." + +"No; but they don't require entertaining before breakfast, do they?" + +"No; but I was so sleepy." + +"What time did you go to bed?" + +"Well, I suppose I ought not to have stayed in Barbara's room, but Alice +had so many stories to tell us of her adventures that I did not leave them +till after twelve o'clock." + +"As Alice is by no means tongue-tied in the daytime, her adventures might +have kept, and if you went to bed in proper time, you might get half an +hour before breakfast. But what do you do after breakfast?" + +"Oh, then the flowers want doing, and mamma always wants some notes to be +answered, and then it is so fine that we go for a walk, and don't get back +till after luncheon, and then visitors come, and I must be there to talk +to them; and when it gets cool, people come in for tennis, and as to +reading after that, why, one barely gets time to dress for dinner, and in +the evening they like me to play to them, and papa wants the paper read +to him, and you know, Aunt Rachel, you always said home duties ought to +come first, so I don't see when a girl at home is to read!" + +"I quite agree with you about home duties, my dear; but, though many +things have changed since my day, home duties must have changed most of +all, if they now include chattering till midnight, and taking a two hours' +walk in the morning, on days when you are likely to get three hours' +tennis in the afternoon, and being obliged to play in the last set, so +that you cannot even go and dress a quarter of an hour too soon! It seems +to me that you might get these home duties done by eleven o'clock, and +then get an hour, or an hour and a half, for steady reading, or, if not so +much as that, still visitors do not come directly after luncheon: in fact, +I noticed that you got through two volumes of that new novel before any +one came. Now, that time would have done equally well for history, and +even when the boys are at home, their suspicions would not be much aroused +if you went to wash your hands for luncheon a quarter of an hour too soon, +and the same in the evening before dinner." + +"Yes, Aunt Rachel, it all seems very easy when I talk to you, and I feel +now as if I should carry out all you say, but I know a hundred little +things will come to make it very hard. I wish it were easier to carry out +one's good intentions." + +"I do not wish it for you, my dear; you will be worth ten times more if +you have to exert strength of character, than if everything is done for +you; we ought to feel a little insulted if Fortune lets us live on too +easy terms, though I cannot say, after all, that you have very hard ones. +There now! I have given you quite enough advice to start several girls in +life. I will only add this: do not get flurried over your work, or insist +on doing it when time and strength will not permit; and, on the other +hand, do not be self-indulgent!" + + "Like as a star + That maketh not haste, + That taketh not rest, + Be each one pursuing + His God-given hest." + +[Footnote 2: See "Record of a Year's Reading." 6_d_. Mowbray.] + + + + +"Get up, M. le Comte!" + + +You have all been considering what qualities are most necessary in family +life and what qualities are most to be deprecated--you have, in short, +been considering Dr. Johnson's question as to what makes "a clubbable +person." I find, on comparing your suggestions, that there are +thirty-eight things to avoid in home life (which suggests complexity); +however, each of you was to confine her attention to three virtues and +three failings, so in giving you my own likes and dislikes, I will not +dwell on more than three. + +I will not take manifest faults like irritability or selfishness--we all +strive against those, but I would suggest turns of mind that are often not +realized as faults:-- + +I.--_The Benevolent Despot_ who takes infinite trouble for your help or +pleasure, but insists on your enjoying yourself in _her_ way. (The young +very often do this to the old or to the invalid, quite forgetting that +one's own way loses none of its charm, even in age or illness!) + +II.--Then there is the _Peter Grievous_ who cannot stand a word of +reproof; she is aggrieved or huffy or sulky in a minute--she thinks that +she has a delicate sense of justice, and that she does well to be angry; +she feels as if her mother took a curious and selfish enjoyment in finding +fault with her,--whereas the poor mother has to take her courage in both +hands before saying anything calculated to bring on those black looks. + +III.--And then there is _The Snail_, always slow, generally late, and +frequently a martyr--she has to be spoken to so often that her case +usually develops into the Peter Grievous disease as well. For if a mother +speaks, let us say, six times--in the daughter's mind it ceases to be +reproof, and becomes Nagging. It never occurs to the daughter that she +sinned six times (or even shall we say eight or ten?); she feels that she +is being nagged at, and may therefore cease to attend, and may enjoy a +grievance into the bargain! + +Now, I have slow friends who really suffer from a sense of their failing, +and who realize acutely what they make others suffer; they were not +trained at first to pull themselves together and to collect beforehand any +materials they were likely to want (as you can train yourselves by +settling in properly to do your preparation)--and they did not teach +themselves to start five minutes sooner instead of leaving things to the +last moment. (They think that the consequent family thundercloud is their +sad fate from their being of a slow constitution.) But if you have only +one horse and your neighbour two, and you are to dine at the same house, +it only means that you must order yours earlier. Do not start together and +then bewail your sad fate; nothing condemns you to be late except your own +bad management. + +Especially be careful to be up early when you are going to early service +with your mother; it fidgets her to wait--she recalls all your many +previous sins of the same kind--and just when you both want to feel _at +one_, you start off together (rather, I should say, you overtake her), +both feeling very much _at two_. And yet you made an effort to go! and you +feel she ought to be pleased with you--do not spoil it by that fly in the +ointment of being late. + + * * * * * + +It seems to me that the Benevolent Despot, the Peter Grievous, and the +Martyred Snail, are people to avoid in choosing your family! + +Now, the people to choose for your family party are, first, _the Reliable +Person_. I know one person who is a perfect tower of strength, she is full +of common sense: if you give her a commission she is sure to get the right +thing and to do it reasonably; she knows exactly what she paid, and she +tells you! If she undertakes to do a thing it is certain to be done in +good time; she does not wait till the very day the thing is wanted and +then find that it cannot be got. + +Now, _you_ often let yourselves do a stupid thing, or a forgetful thing, +and then say, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" and feel as if you had wiped it out. Not +at all! You have lost one chance of growing into a reliable woman. In all +your life you will only have a certain limited number of chances, and +should use every one you have--to be reliable is worth all the genius in +the world for comfort to others, and _you can each win this crown_ if you +care to do so. + +One other person I would choose if I were fated to have sisters, would be +the one who purrs when she is pleased. It takes all the colour and air out +of life when people gaze impassively at beautiful things, or hear lovely +things and never seem to have taken them in; or meet kindness and look as +if it was not there. You do not need to gush, but _do_ purr! + +And thirdly I want a magnanimous nature;--one that takes slights and +neglects in a large-minded way, and does not believe people meant them +and, if they _did_, does not fret: one who is serene when little things go +wrong, and does not fuss or worry: one who accepts generously as well as +gives generously, and who is keenly alive to people's good points and good +intentions. Little petty motives and small spites and jealousy die away +in the light of a nature like that. It keeps the family atmosphere sweet +and wholesome. + + * * * * * + +Now, my lessons are generally about the things that can be carried out at +home, or else about the beliefs that underlie them. You know that my +ambition for you is that you should go out into the world and lead the +ordinary small social life, but that you should live it in a great way and +bring great beliefs to bear on it. + +This is a special lesson--the last of all to some of you--the last in this +year to all of you. + +How long have you been at school, each of you? How many times have we come +together here, and thought over together, point after point, the things +that really matter to us? + +Week after week we are reminded by these talks to pull ourselves together, +first in one way, then in another, and I do believe we have all tried. + +Have the suggestions _I_ made and the Resolutions _we_ made, soaked into +our lives and altered the stuff of which we are made? That is the +Responsibility for _me_ who speak and for _you_ who hear: "To him that +knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin." + +A Bible lesson written for you and dwelling on your special life and +dangers is a more pointed reminder to you than a general sermon, and when +you leave you will not get these reminders: one is hardly ever spoken to +religiously after being grown up. It is no one's business afterwards (as +it is mine now) to speak to you. + +Therefore I want you always to keep some religious book on hand that is +likely to _speak_ to _you_. For instance, Bishop Wilkinson's books speak, +so do Dean Paget's and Law's "Serious Call," and "Christian Perfection." +Read a little of such a book every day, and a longer bit on Sunday. If you +only say your prayers and go to church, it is apt to become an outside +thing; you want stirring up! + +When you go out into the world you may drift into the ways of each +household you are with for the time being; whereas I want you to have your +own definite religious life, an inner life of rules and duties: dress like +other people, but keep a hair shirt underneath, as the Saints did. + +And when I talk about this and that piece of advice (advice which is often +worldly wisdom; for goodness and worldly wisdom are closely +allied),--always remember that I pre-suppose the life of prayer and rule +about which I so often speak--only _there_ can you gain strength to follow +such advice. + +But now (pre-supposing the inner religious life--the effort after the +Practice of the Presence of God)--what shall I pick out as practical +advice for a closing lesson to those who are going into the world? + +I.--Always _vote on the right side_ in conversation. + +Very often the lower side, or the _un_religious side in talk (or in +doings, such as not going to Church) is the easier side to take. It seems +obtrusive to show what you feel to be right; and very often the one who +takes the religious side is narrow-minded and tiresome compared to the +others. Goodness is very often tiresome, and non-religion broad-minded and +amusing. (Gallio is often a most attractive person!) It takes courage then +to side with the tiresome one, instead of saying something rather clever. +In youth one has a great horror of belonging to the tiresome side. +Cleverness counts for so much, and it is hard in early life to put +goodness first! One does not realize the beauty of the strength and +principle shown by the tiresome people, and it takes real principle to +show one's colours in ordinary talk. + +I once heard of an earnest religious girl who was asked to a pleasant +country house, and who thought she might lawfully take a holiday, as it +were, and be like other people while away from home; so she laughed and +talked with the rest and kept her real life to herself. On the last night, +a girl she had taken a fancy to came into her room, and, after a little +time, said, "It has been so nice meeting you, but I rather wish your +sister had come too." "But I have no sister." "Why, I have heard so much +of her, and of how good she is, and though you wouldn't think it, I have +been bothered about things lately, and when I heard your name, I thought +it was she who was coming here, and I planned to have a talk with +her:--you're awfully nice, but of course one wouldn't talk about those +things to you any more than to any of the rest of us." + +I leave you to fancy the resolutions that girl made, to show her colours +for the future! + +And then it does not seem to matter--no _harm_ is being said or done, +Gallio is generally an excellent person, and really "So-and-so" was +unnecessarily tiresome in raising the point; and then, again, one's +indolence bids one be quiet and vote neither way. + +But every vote on the right side counts; it alters the balance of the +general feeling, and probably helps some one looking on,--some one who +never let out that they needed or cared for any help. "Right!" has a big +battle to fight, and you and I are soldiers, and must stand to our guns. + +Have the courage to show that you like goodness. It makes a difference, +for no one ever tells an unkind story to a large-hearted woman, or a nasty +story to a nice-minded woman. + +If they tell either to you, it means an intuitive perception that you +enjoy it,--you bring out that side of them; if there is no response in +you, that side of them goes to sleep while they are with you. You create +your world in your own image, and are responsible for what is said to you, +as well as for what you say. + +II.--My second advice is: _Show your mother that you love her._ "In one's +whole life one can never have more than a single mother. You may think +this obvious.... You are a green gosling! I was at the same age as wise as +you, and yet never discovered this till it was too late."[3] + +Your mother will plan for you to go out and enjoy yourselves, and she +probably will not say that she is left alone by this or that arrangement; +but _you_ must think for her and protest against it, and see that she gets +amusement, and is talked to. + +I know girls who will leave their mother alone night after night, or sit +at home and never utter a word. _They_ do not think of it, and _she_ feels +left out. Even if she makes you go out, she will like your noticing and +thinking for her. I believe each daughter fails to realize in her own case +how much her mother values signs of the love which both know to be there. + +You may say, "My mother does not like a fuss!"--Very likely. But there are +ways and ways.--I do not believe any older person is ever anything but +pleased when their little pleasures are seen to be a matter of real +consideration to a younger one. I have watched so many mothers now that I +see it, but I myself used to let my affection be taken for granted. I see +now how much more pleasure I might have given, and I would give anything +if _you_ would do what they say is impossible--_i.e._ profit by some one +else's experience, and try to show your affection for your mother. She is +the only person to whom it is safe to fully express your affection. If you +feel strongly for any one else, expressing it is apt to lead you to be +silly, or sentimental, or wanting in self-control, but little loving ways +with your mother are quite different--they are always comforting to her +and good for you. Every one of an older generation is apt to feel that the +younger one does not want them; therefore express your affection doubly to +an elder compared to what is necessary or right, or wise to an equal, +_because by nature the elder does not quite believe in it!_ + +I dare say you are nevertheless thinking as I used to do. "One's mother is +quite different--_she_ knows I love her best." In a way that is true, but +all I have said is true too! + +III.--My third advice is: _Put some salt into every day_--the salt of +effort and self-denial. Go on with a book though it bores you. Go out for +a walk though you feel lazy. Finish some drawing or needlework, which you +would rather leave to begin something else. Make yourself do something +which you do not like, and which is useful. + +And I say to all of you, not only to the leaving ones: Do not lounge +through the day just because it is holidays. You are not a little child +who has to be made to do things: you are a sensible, reasonable being, who +wants to grow. You do not leave off eating for a month, you do not leave +off growing for a month; then do not leave off growing in other ways. Do +not be _worthless_ at any time. + +Some of you seem to think you will not have to give account of holidays to +God--_I_ think you will be more called to account for them, for then you +have a chance of showing your real stuff. + +And when you are grown up, and quite free, feel that you are still more +responsible. + +Enjoy yourself to the top of your bent, but see that each day you gain new +power to do what you ought, and what you make up your mind to do; and +remember that this power is only gained in the using--and dies out if we +do not use it. I shall be horribly disappointed if you do not gain this +power, and if you do not use it well, "to the Glory of God and the Relief +of Man's Estate." + +Be ambitious--be all you were meant to be; make the world different; be +generous--freely you have received, freely give. + +Some one said to me the other day, "Girls are younger nowadays, and they +go on being young till they are well through middle life. At sixteen we +had to look after other people, but they shirk responsibility, till women +of thirty are content to be like birds of the air, just amusing +themselves, and feeling no call to be of any serious use." + +I said, "Well, _I_ do not like to see even a girl of eighteen with no +_raison d'être_, 'living like a prize animal!'" + +Why were you born? God thought about you, and took trouble about you, and +has something you can do for Him. To exist beautifully is not enough! Have +you definite duties, which you stick to even though they bore you, _e.g._, +house duties, or reading aloud, or lessons with the younger ones? If not, +find some! + +Marcus Aurelius counted each day lost in which he could not at night look +back on something he had done for others. + +Jeremy Taylor, in the "Golden Grove," says:--"Suppose every day to be a +day of business: for your whole life is a race and a battle; a +merchandise, a journey. Every day propounds to yourself a rosary or +chaplet of works, to present to God at night." + +I have given you three pieces of advice-- + + I.--Vote on the right side in conversation. + II.--Show that you love your mother. + III.--Put salt into every day. + +I would end with one more. I take it from Saint Simon, that clever +on-looker at the Court of Louis XIV. whose memoirs are famous. His morning +greeting to himself was-- + +_"Get up, M. le Comte! you have great things to do to-day."_ + +You will all of you go out to lives that you _can_ make empty and +self-indulgent and narrow if you like; you _can_ shirk duties and eat +capriciously or intemperately, and lie in bed too long; you _can_ idle +about all day amusing yourself, and fill your mind with dress and gossip +and spite;--perhaps you would feel there was "no harm" in such a life! + +_No harm!_ I would rather hear you were dead than that you lived a life +like that! + +On the other hand, every day of your life you _can_ make the wings of your +soul grow by an honest bit of self-denial, by an honest bit of work for +others, by an honest bit of mental work. + +Every day you can be _more worth having_; there is not one of you here who +has not the power to make herself--and to _pray_ herself--into a noble, +dutiful woman. + +_"Get up, M. le Comte! you have great things to do to-day."_ + +[Footnote 3: Gray's Letters to W. Mann.] + + + + +A Friday Lesson. + + +Our course of lessons for this term brings us to-day to Jephthah's story; +to decide on the amount of blame due to the father is not a matter which +so nearly concerns us as to learn the lesson of true womanhood taught us +by the daughter. Hers was no blind obedience; her reason for sacrificing +herself gives us the true position of a woman as a helpmeet, and as a +helpmeet in the performance of public duty. "If thou hast opened thy mouth +unto the Lord"--her father must do his duty at all costs, and she will +help him to do it, even at the cost of her own life. The place of every +woman is to make duty possible and imperative for those about her--for +brother, sister, husband, friend. How many women keep their menkind back +from public duty by their fretfulness about the inconveniences entailed on +themselves? A clergyman or doctor has to face fatigue or infection,--a +citizen wishes to vote according to his conscience and against his +interest: how often a woman--wife, sister, or mother--puts expediency +before him, persuades him that "'second best' will do," instead of aiming +at "one equal temper of heroic hearts." + +Besides the love of her country and the sense of public duty, which shine +out in Jephthah's daughter, notice the plain lesson of simple obedience, +"That she subdued her to her Father's will." + +The ideal of obedience is less thought of now than in the "Ages of +Faith,"--perhaps, in one way, this is only a right development; but, +though obedience is a "young" stage of moral growth, it is a necessary +one,--mankind went through it, and each man or woman worth the name must +go through it even as our Lord Himself did. I recognize the strength, the +North-country virtue of "grit" in such independence and sturdiness as that +of the Yorkes in "Shirley," but the willing and reasonable obedience of a +strong nature seems to me still higher--it is a nobler attitude of mind to +feel, "I don't care whether I get my own way in this or that, or am my own +master; I want to be in touch with the larger, higher life around me," +that larger life of moral growth into which only a humble, teachable +nature can enter. The larger, stronger nature--the big dog--yields gladly +to its master; the small terrier nature loves to find an opportunity to +yap and snarl. There is nothing fine about the unreasoning instinct to +resent an order--it is rather the sign of a small nature. To take the +commonest instances, when you are told to go to bed, or to mend your +dress, or to put on a wrap, or to tidy your room, are you in any way a +finer nature if you dawdle and argue and resent the order? Nothing is so +small as self-sufficiency and self-centredness, whereas humility and +obedience are of the Nature of our Lord Himself, and every humble and +obedient soul is in communion with His Greatness. Dante's hierarchy of +heaven, "in order serviceable," in ordered ranks, culminating in God +Himself, gives us a feeling of harmonious greatness which is lacking in +the scattered units of his "Inferno." It was only ignoble greatness which +preferred to reign in Hell rather than serve in Heaven. + +It may be that, in the maturer stages of life, obedience ceases to be a +primary virtue. I am not at all clear when that mature stage begins,--but +all would admit, in theory, that a noble character must have obedience as +a foundation. I think it would help you if you could step outside your own +momentary irritation at being ordered to do this or that, and see how +unlovely it is to argue and stand on your rights and contest points. The +essence of good breeding is to give way to others; quite apart from the +consideration of the "Fifth Commandment," a thorough-bred person would +shudder at the rude tone of voice, the snappishness, the contentiousness, +the contradiction which many girls--otherwise "nice" girls--allow +themselves to show in speaking to their mothers. How many of you feel +quite guiltless on this score? I am afraid you would often have to blush +if a stranger, to whom you looked up, could hear the way you answer back +at home. + +You half feel as though it were "fine" not to be ordered about;--but the +"best" people in the Christian sense of the word, and the "best" people in +the worldly sense, inherit the feelings of the ages of chivalry, that, the +nobler a man was, the more deference and service he showed to others: +"_Ich dien_" is the motto of chivalry and worldly greatness.--"I am among +you as he that serveth" was the saying of Him Who, "though He were a Son," +"learnt obedience." For this next week, when you are tempted to answer +back--to be independent--to resent being ordered--remember how much more +beautiful, how much more noble, is a humble submissive temper, than the +miserably small ambition of being your own master. Do not be so +small-minded as to contest and resent authority. You sometimes hear a +servant say, "That's not my place," or "I won't be put upon." You never +hear a true lady speak in that temper,--and yet, is there any difference +in spirit between this tone which you would condemn, and your own way of +answering back? You cannot get out of bad habits all at once, but get +your ideal right, and you will grow to it. If you are not living in your +own family, and feel inclined to resent orders, remember the days of +chivalry, when all pages (often princes by birth) spent their youth +serving in other people's houses, and learning the motto of every true +knight, "I serve." + +And whether with strangers or at home, remember Him Who was subject unto +His parents, Him of Whom Jephthah's daughter was but a faint type. + + + + +A Home Art; or, Mothers and Daughters. + + Know your own work, and do it. + + +This is a simple sounding rule, but we all find practical difficulties in +following it. You have most of you lately left school, and I think the +difficulty of the first part of this saying must have struck some of you. +At school you knew your own work,--you had a certain time-table, you +walked with the crutches of routine; and when you left school and found +your day mostly at your own disposal, you learnt that a free life is far +more difficult, and therefore far nobler, than a life under direction. + +It was pleasant at first to be able to carry out your own fancies, but you +awoke after a while to the fact that you were not spending holidays but +living your real life; and then the thought must have come, if you had any +stuff in you, "I must anyhow live my life; am I living it nobly?" + +How can you live a noble life? Bacon gives us, perhaps, the best answer +when he says that "the end of all learning should be the Glory of God and +the Relief of Man's Estate." Shall this be the result of your school +learning? Others can speak to you from experience, as I cannot, of the +glory and happiness of a life spent in the Relief of Man's Estate: I would +speak to you of a preliminary stage of work for that relief, of some of +the difficulties which beset girls on first leaving school, and owing to +which so much noble aspiration and unselfish enthusiasm run to waste. + +I believe one of the main difficulties is _friction at home_; a difficulty +on which I the rather dwell because it is harder, for those who know you +personally, to speak of it without irritating you, or else criticizing +your home. How is this home difficulty met? Some meet it by leaving +home,--which reminds me of the minister who said in his sermon, "This is a +serious difficulty in our belief, my brethren; let us look it boldly in +the face,--and pass it by." Some lay themselves open to _Punch's_ attack, +when he depicts a girl saying, "Mamma has become quite blind now, and papa +is paralytic, and it makes the house so dull that I'm going to be a +hospital nurse." + +Many who are too clear-sighted to neglect home duties, yet leave this +difficulty unfaced, in that they look for all the pleasure of their life +outside home, and within that home allow themselves to live in an +atmosphere of friction and peevishness. The girl who does that has left +the riddle of home life unsolved: she was meant to wrestle with that +difficulty till she wrung from it the blessing, the peace which comes only +from self-conquest and acceptance of all the circumstances of her life. + +Have any of you the lurking thought, "I was born by no choice of my own: +those who brought me into the world owe duty to me, not I to them?" I have +known some say this, and I have known many act as if they thought it, and +I have known some who felt as if God had better work for them to do +outside home, and have either gone off to do it, or have chafed against +life because they could not go. It does seem to me that the present very +general eclipse of the old Roman virtue of filial piety lies at the root +of much of the unsound work, and of the undone work, of the present day. + +Know your own work, and do it. What is your work on leaving school? Is it +not to learn to fit into your home? At school, when you got your remove, +your duty was to get into the work of the new form, and to do it. You have +now been moved to higher and far more difficult work than any sixth form, +you are in the school of home. Are you learning its lessons, or are you +fretting for a remove? It may be you find life so easy and pleasant at +home that you feel any talk of its difficulties does not apply to you; it +is all play so far. But I know so many who feel this friction on leaving +school, that I am sure it must be the case with some of you. + +If any here fail to feel the debt they owe at home--the debt which God +enforced as next to the debt owed to Himself--let me remind them that the +whole instinct of mankind has responded to the appeal of parents; filial +piety has always been reverenced and held beautiful, and the hereditary +sense of mankind must be taken into account in deciding what is, or is +not, a virtue. But supposing I granted, for the sake of argument, that the +original debt was on your parents' side and not on yours, what then? You +remain as bound as ever to show them submission and devotion; all, in +short, that the old-fashioned believers in the Fifth Commandment thought +to be due from a daughter. If you are striving after a noble life you must +give all this,--if you owe allegiance to either the Christian ideal of +love or to the Pagan one of strength. "If a man love not his brother whom +he hath seen, how can he love God Whom he hath not seen?" and, equally, if +he love not his brother close at hand, how can he love brethren afar off? +It is a poor sort of love which lavishes itself on self-chosen and, +therefore, less irritating objects of charity, and is powerless to +influence the home atmosphere. It is a poor sort of strength which shrinks +from the hardest fight, from the conquest of self at home. + +Is not every right and wise piece of good work for others an attempt to +help them to train themselves to live a higher life? And can we dare to +put our hand to this plough while neglecting our own training? + +I was asked to speak to you about WORK, and you may think I am forgetting +this in dwelling on home life. Not at all; I am looking on home life not +as an end in itself, but as God's great training-school for His best +workers; as the special place for the development of those qualities which +are essential to all true and lasting work for "the Relief of Man's +Estate." + +I do not think I underrate the difficulties girls find; quite apart from +her own faults and weaknesses, a girl who leaves school and goes home has +probably three difficulties to contend with. + +First, the change from restraint to liberty, which is a difficult phase in +every life. Will you make it a change from "the rich bounties of +constraint" to self-restraint, which is better still; or will you let it +be a change to the weak lawlessness of a drifting life? If you would +respect yourselves, and be worthy to take part in the great battle between +good and evil, make and keep some rules for yourselves. Have a rule about +getting up in the morning and (almost equally important) about going to +bed at night; a rule against novels in the morning; a rule to read +something sensible every day. Make what rule you please, only keep it, or +you will never be more than a cumberer of the ground. Reading is the best +thing to save your life from being eaten away by trifles. The best +advisers say to a man taking a country living, "Read, read, read;" I say +to you, read doggedly; the snare of a free life is desultory reading. Make +any plan of stiff reading you like, and stick to it for one year, writing +out notes of what you read, and you will be fitter for real work if it +comes, as come it will. + +I dare say you find reading is cold work,--very few women really enjoy +knowledge for its own sake,--you are tempted to throw it up, and to drift +in an easy good-tempered way, which pleases the others much more than your +shutting yourself up to read. And the others are quite right in expecting +you, now school is over, to be a woman, "with a heart at leisure from +itself" and from self-improvement. One of the hardest home lessons for +some girls to learn is the power of sitting idle and chatting. They feel +it waste of time; they long to be doing something tangible; and yet a home +atmosphere is mainly the result of the mother having acquired the art of +leisure. You will be very unrestful house-mothers when your turn comes, +and very unsatisfactory daughters and sisters in the mean time, if you are +always at high pressure, and giving your family to understand that you +must not be spoken to! + +Too often the girl, who by dint of conscientious struggles keeps up real +study, gets out of touch with her surroundings, and sees the stream of +family confidences, and affections, and appeals for help and sympathy +flowing towards the easy-going sister, who makes no struggles of any kind. +Your great wish is to be a true woman, "with continual comfort in her +face." Are your books, and your self-discipline, and your time-table, only +a hindrance to this? Must you starve either head or heart? Why cannot you +seem outwardly at leisure, and yet live an inner life of thought and work? +It needs self-denial, forethought, economy of time, and that most +Christian grace of tact; but these are all attainable, all part of that +Wisdom which "orders all things sweetly and strongly," and which is the +rightful heritage of every true woman. Let no delusion about amiability +induce you to leave off reading and study, only be very discreet as to how +and when you do it. + +Let your time-table be a secret hair shirt, and not a red rag flaunted in +your family's face. But never give up reading and thinking, the keeping in +touch with abstract ideas. As long as you are young you can get on without +this, but, when the charm of youth deserts you, you will find life (and +others will find _you_) a blessing or a curse, according as you have +developed or starved your powers of mind. It may be that you find little +pleasure in your steady reading, and see no immediate results from it; +never mind, read on, lest you become in middle life one of those amiable, +empty-headed women who can give neither help, nor comfort, nor advice, +worth the taking. How many old maids, and young maids too, tied by home +duties, allowed their minds to get thin and empty: when, at last, they +were set free they were silly and inconsequent; no work requiring thought +and insight could be entrusted to them. + +The second difficulty which is felt by many comes from the new lights of +the day. At school, girls come in contact with varied ideals and +inspirations,--they drink new wine, and they go home to find that old +bottles are still used there. Very often this difficulty is greater in +proportion as a girl has rightly profited by school--in proportion as she +has been teachable and ready to assimilate good; she goes home with new +aspirations to be met by old prejudices--prejudices intensified by +half-loving jealousy of the alien influences of school. Are you to shut +your eyes to the new lights, and be as though you had never known them? +No, but do not keep one Commandment by breaking another. The First +Commandment is supreme, Thou shall have none other gods but Him Who is the +Truth; Truth must be obeyed at all costs, but if your truth-seeking +breaks the Fifth Commandment, it probably breaks the Second also, and the +principle you are obeying will turn out to be a graven image of God, and +not the voice of God Himself. Very grave doubt rests on any form of +goodness which is in opposition to your mother; it may be good for others, +but can scarcely be so for you. I know of a girl who got under High Church +influence at school, and who, in pursuit of spiritual good, gets +surreptitious High Church books and newspapers, under cover to a friend. +Another got under Low Church influence, and refuses to please her mother +by dressing prettily or going out. It seems to me that both girls read +their lesson backwards and neglect the weightier matters of the law, +truth, and obedience,--while they seek what is good in itself but not good +for them. Others persist in going to a church their mother disapproves +of,--they say they can get good at a musical church, and only irritation +and harm by going with her. I feel heartily for the trial of going to a +church they dislike, but surely conquering self or pleasing a mother is +good in itself, quite apart from the help given by the service; while, as +to the good derived from the musical church under those circumstances, I +doubt much if it comes down from the Father Who gave us the Fifth +Commandment. + +I should say, mistrust new lights which are a hindrance to old duties, +"For meek obedience too is Light." It is more likely that we should be +mistaken, than that a duty should cease to be binding. Let us take to +heart Cromwell's appeal to his Parliament, "I beseech you, my beloved +brethren, I beseech you by the mercies of Christ, to believe that you may +be mistaken." + +The third difficulty is that girls often fail to see that home life is one +of the "Home Arts," which requires training and practice as much as music +does. How much of our home life is set to music? How much of it sets all +harmony and rhythm at defiance? A true woman is + + "Like the keystone to an arch + That consummates all beauty: + She's like the music to a march + That sheds a joy on duty." + +Do you make your father forget his bothers when he comes in from his +business? Do you give your mother a share in your interests? Does your +brother look forward to his time at home, instead of thinking it a bore? +No one has such power over your brothers as you have: you can do more than +any one to give them high ideals: how many a brother, who has fallen to +the stable-yard level of company, might have been held up if his sister +had used her wits and tact to make herself as agreeable to him as she does +to other people! + +Sometimes it is not selfishness which makes home life a failure, but the +not having + + "among least things, + An undersense of greatest." + +A girl tries to live nobly at home and fails: she is not enough wanted, +her mother is not blind, and does not want to be deposed from +housekeeping; her father is not paralytic, and only wants her to play to +him in the evening; life seems choked by tiny interruptions, such as doing +the flowers, or writing notes, and she sinks into a placid or unplacid +drudge--the aspirations with which she left school have died out. + +Need this be? If she went into a sisterhood or a hospital, the tiny +details would all be glorified by the halo which surrounds a vocation; it +would all be part of a saintly life. Why is home not felt to be a +vocation? Why cannot a girl welcome some tiresome commission or fidgeting +rule of her mother's, as much as if it were imposed by some Mother +Superior? Ought not the trifling duties to be fuel to her burning desire +for her nobleness of life, instead of dust to choke it? You can make them +which you will. + +Girls often say, "I have nothing to do, worth doing, at home; I want to go +and do some real work;" and they sometimes have the face to say this, +while they are still as full of faults as when they left school, and when +every hour of the day, at home, brings with it an opportunity of +conquering some fault. + +Are you ready for real work? Can you take criticism or contradiction with +a perfectly unruffled face and voice? Do you overcome your hindrances to +usefulness at home, _e.g._ do you improve your handwriting so that your +mother need not be ashamed to let you write for her? Do you help her +tactfully and consentingly--the only help which rests people--or do you +argue each point, so that it is far less trouble to do the thing twice +over than to ask you? Are you prompt and alert in your movements, or do +you indulge in that exasperating slowness, which some girls seem to +consider quite a charm? Do you wait till the last minute, and then +leisurely put on your things, with serene unconsciousness of the fret it +is to every one's temper? If you want to see how unthoroughbred such a +habit looks, read "Shirley," and study the character of Mr. Donne, the +curate, who flatters himself that he enhances his importance by keeping +the others waiting while he complacently finishes his tea. + +Do you lay down the law. Do you allow yourself the tone of positive, +almost dictatorial, assertion, which, coming from a girl, so sets an +old-fashioned person's teeth on edge; or do you try to speak in the +tentative, suggestive, inquiring tone, which is not only required by good +manners, but is also a real help to humility of mind? + +Do not say that these things are too simple and obvious to bear on your +future work for the Relief of Man's Estate,--on Work with a big W. They +are of the very essence of the formation of character, and your Work for +others stands or falls by that. + +The sanctifying influence of home-life lies mainly in its necessity, its +obviousness,--in the fact of our remaining unprofitable servants after we +have done our best. It is the school in which we are placed by God; we are +_bound_ to learn its lessons, and do its duties: there is no halo of +self-sacrifice around it--the position rightly viewed gives us no choice. +"I must,"--_there_ is the sting, the irksomeness to us. We can submit +cheerfully to our self-chosen Pope, and seem most sweet-tempered in +bearing criticism and in doing tiresome duties,--the "I must" is not +there. This wilful obedience is worth just nothing as discipline of +character, compared with obedience to our lawful authorities; "Ay, there's +the rub!" + +Is not this very necessity in home life--this "I must"--just the thing +which makes it akin to our Lord's life? Is there not in that Holiest Life +a continual undercurrent of "I must"? His earthly life was a course of +obedience, not a succession of self-willed efforts; its keynote was, "Wist +ye not that I _must_ be about My Father's business?" + + + + +Esprit de Corps. + + +While I was away, I was present at a discussion on _Esprit de Corps_, and +whether it was a good thing in girls' schools. What is _esprit de +corps_?--The feeling that we are one of a large body of which we are +proud. A soldier has it when he is proud of his regiment and is proud of +belonging to it. + +Now, is it good or bad for girls to have a strong feeling of this kind for +their school? Many opinions were expressed at the meeting. My opinion is +that it is a good thing--a necessary thing. But every virtue has its +defect--if you overdo it, you fall into some fault; if you are too +amiable, you may fall into being untruthful; and so with _esprit de +corps_. I want you to have it, but I want you to be on your guard against +some faults connected with it. I want our School to be full of it, but I +want it to be of the best kind. + +One fault very common in members of any large body is conceit. The feeling +of belonging to a fine institution swallows up personal humility. You may +be more occupied with the importance and dignity of your position, than +ready to take home the idea that you yourself are a very faulty member! +Margaret Fuller, a clever American friend of Emerson's, said, "There are +so many things in the universe more interesting than my individual faults, +that I really cannot stay to dwell on them." There is one form of +conceit--or rather of self-satisfaction--to which schoolgirls are liable: +they know they are living up to the average standard imposed by public +opinion and _esprit de corps_, and they are satisfied with this, instead +of trying to live up to their own best self. It is quite possible for any +straightforward, honourable girl to live up to the average standard, and +it is very comfortable to feel satisfied. But if you are trying to live up +to the highest standard you know, you will not be comfortable--you will be +always profoundly discontented with yourself, but it will be the Divine +discontent Plato speaks of. You will be always failing, but it will be +failing nobly--the failure of one who loves the highest, and is content to +follow the highest, even though it be afar off. In King Arthur's court, +the noblest knights went in search of the Sangreal--scarcely one could +succeed in his quest, but it was nobler to aim high and fail than to be +content with "low successes." We, too, ought each to follow the quest of +the Sangreal, that is, to seek to be perfect, and then there is no room +for self-satisfaction, far less conceit. + +Sometimes _esprit de corps_ not only makes us think a great deal of our +own merits, but it also makes us blind to the merits of others. We need +only put this into words, to see its smallness, but it often happens. Some +people's patriotism seems to consist in despising the French and Germans. +No one values true patriotism more than I do, but I detest +"insularity"--that insufferable feeling of superiority of which English +people are so often guilty. We ought to love our own school, or hall, or +college; but it is a poor, low kind of love if it means despising other +schools, or halls, or colleges, picking holes in them, refusing to learn +from them, and being mere partisans. A soldier would be proud of his own +regiment, and think it the finest there was, but he would admire the +splendid history that other regiments could boast, and he would be glad +and proud of the fact that there were so many fine ones. All good schools +belong to a splendid brotherhood--a grand army--and they should be proud +of each other. We can be just as true and loyal to our own, and yet have +wide feelings. _Esprit de corps_--loyalty to our body--is a very splendid +thing, and we degrade it when we turn it into mere clannishness; it ought +to bring out our love for all that is good, just as love for home ought +to make us love outsiders better. + +I have spoken of the faults of _esprit de corps_--do not think that means +I do not value it. No; a thousand times, no! If we had no _esprit de +corps_ we should not be a living body, but a dead, stagnant mass, only fit +to be swept away. What is true _esprit de corps_? My idea of it is, being +content to sink all personal interests--being content to be as he that +doth serve--being glad and proud to fill the smallest post, if so be that, +by filling that post in the most perfect way, you can help on the +perfection of the school to which you belong. I was talking to some one +the other day about the community to which she belongs, and where she +holds a leading place. "Of course, I would black the shoes," said she, "if +it would help the work in the very least, and so would any one who was +worth their salt." I quite agree with her, and I would not give much for +any work in which that was not the feeling of the workers, from the +highest to the lowest: that is the only true _esprit de corps_. + +Some say women are incapable of such a masculine virtue--that women cannot +put their private feelings in their pocket and act in subordination to the +good of the whole--that they cannot sink their self-importance and their +petty jealousies--that they cannot suppress themselves for a cause. +Schools like ours have done a great deal for the mental education of +women. I think they will do something more valuable still if they show +that through their public education women can learn true public spirit, +that school teaches true _esprit de corps_--that it teaches them to seek +the beauty of being second, instead of the glory of being first. + +In acting or recitations, could you be glad to take a minor part to help +on the whole, or would you be huffy and cross-grained because your powers +were not brought to the front? In the Wagner music at Baireuth, the +singers take the good parts in turn, and the best prima donna, as Kundry +in "Parzival," in one whole act has only one word. Think of the +self-suppression needed for one who has such talent, to be content to act +in such a piece and to put her full power into the dumb by-play, which is +all that she has to do. + +_Esprit de corps_ is _the_ virtue above all others which we, as members of +this school, should seek to attain, and, in the very nature of things, +nothing so entirely kills it as any self-seeking; while if you wish to be +worth anything as an individual, remember that nothing is so smallening, +so alien to any true greatness--to the most far-off touch of greatness--as +the wish to be Number One. + +_Esprit de corps_, to my mind, means that we all stand shoulder to +shoulder, loving our school, helping each other; doing our duty in home +and school, and in after-life, more perfectly, because we are proud of our +school and mean to be worthy members, so far as in us lies; helping others +because "our advantages are trusts for the good of others." Remember our +school motto, "Ad Lucem," and, because you have been brought nearer to the +light, help to be sunshine in all shady places. And while you are at +school, have the _esprit de corps_ which will make you do everything you +can, for the good and credit of the school. + +For one thing, be careful to get it a good name outside. "Manners are not +idle"--people are quite right when they judge a school, as they largely +do, by its manners. If girls are really growing as they should in +gentleness, courtesy, reverence for age, and all that makes true +womanhood, it must tell on their manners, and if they are not doing so, +their school is not doing for them what it should. If you have real +_esprit de corps,_ you will not give people who are prejudiced against us, +any reason to think ill of our School in this respect. + +Another point of true _esprit de corps_ concerns those who have +power--whether as prefect, or VI. form, or head of a form, or through +being popular. Power was given you that you might do more work for +others--you are made a chief in order that you may be as he that serveth; +privilege means responsibility--not enjoyment. There is nothing so mean as +to take the loaves and fishes of any post, and not to do its duties; to +order others about, and to be lax with yourselves. A ruler is contemptible +who does not rule himself. Whether we are teacher, or prefect, or head of +a form, or a leader in any way, it ought to make us hot, and sore, and +ashamed, in exercising our rightful rule over others, whenever we are +conscious (as we must all be at times) that we have failed in ruling +ourselves--failed in temper,--failed in carrying out minutely, every law, +great or small, that we help to enforce on others. _Esprit de corps_ will +make us use our power for the good of the school and not for our own +pleasure. + +_Esprit de corps_ means being ready to give time and trouble to all school +interests--without any thought of whether you will have a leading part +given you, or of whether it is very amusing to do it. You would be +unworthy members of the school if you simply came to do your lessons, and +took no part in the little things which make corporate life go with a +swing. You might as well think you were worthy members of your home +because you ate and slept there. Membership in a home means being ready to +take part in all its little tiresome duties; to throw yourself into +amusements which sometimes do not amuse you personally; in all ways to +help on family life. The girl who distinguishes herself in the tennis is +thought a good public-spirited member, and so she is,--she helps the +school and shows _esprit de corps_,--but, to my mind, the girl who fags +well at the match, and gets small thanks and no credit, shows even more +_esprit de corps_ than the one who has the excitement of distinguishing +both herself and the school. + +The clever girl who wins prizes and scholarships, helps our school to +shine, and no one applauds her more than I do, but in my heart, I feel +that the school owes even more to the dull plodding girl, who knows she +cannot do much, but who determines to give her very best to the school, +and to be worthy of it by giving no scamped work. Perhaps she gets low +marks, perhaps she is told she ought to do better,--and quite rightly, +because we want her to rise to give really good work, and are not +satisfied till she does; but whether it is good or not, if it is her +_best_, she has fought a good battle for the school, and has "helped to +maintain the high standard of duty which was founded in the school by its +first and beloved head-mistress--Ada Benson." + + + + +Rough Notes of a Lesson. + + +I hope to start a new lesson for some of you, and I have gathered you all +here to-day, whether you will be able to come to it or not, because, in +thinking over what I wished to say about this one lesson, I found I was +led into describing what I should like all lessons to do for you. My new +lesson will be a talk on various things in which you are, or ought to be, +interested. I have tried this plan before, and have sometimes been laughed +at for having such miscellaneous lessons, but I found their effect very +good. I had a spare half-hour in the week, which I gave to this Talking +Lesson. + +Once I took Dante, and after a sketch of his life and of Florence, we went +through the "Inferno;" I read the famous parts in full and told the story +of the rest, and now many of those children who listened feel, when they +come on anything about Dante, as if they had met an old friend. + +Then I happened to go to Yorkshire and saw several of its lovely abbeys: +I came back with a craze for architecture, so I and the girls did that +together. Neither they, nor I, imagine that we understand architecture, or +are authorities on it; but though we only took the barest outline, it made +us all use our eyes and enjoy old buildings. I often get letters from +those girls, saying that they have since enjoyed their travels so much +more, because they now notice the architecture. You know the story of +"Eyes and No Eyes"--how two boys went out for a walk--one saw nothing to +notice, and the other found his way lined with interesting things. I am +sure, architecturally, your way is lined with beauty in Oxford, which +deserves both outward and "inward eyes." + +Another time we took the French writers of Louis XIV. and we all feel that +Molière and La Fontaine and Mme. de Sevigné are our personal friends, so +that the value of their books is doubled to us! + +We took mythology at one time, and many girls found that they understood, +much better, allusions in books and various pictures in the Academy, which +are often about mythological subjects. Ignorance on this point may +sometimes be very awkward. I have heard of an American lady who invited +her artistic friends to come and see a picture she had lately bought of +"Jupiter and Ten." The friends puzzled over her notes of invitation, and, +on arriving at her house, were still more puzzled to know how to pass off +the mistake gracefully, when they found that the picture was one of +"Jupiter and Io." I trust you will not cause your friends embarrassment of +this kind! + +Another time we took the history of Queen Victoria, as our way of +celebrating the Jubilee patriotically. We began by all collecting as much +patriotic poetry as we could, which was surprisingly little--I wonder if +you would find more--and, all through, we made a special point of finding +poems written about any of the events. We found _Punch_ a valuable +assistance, and we much enjoyed the cartoons and jokes which had been so +mysterious to us before. Just that part of history which is not in +"Bright," and which, yet, is before our time, is so very hard to find out +about, and many allusions in the newspapers and parliamentary speeches are +consequently wasted on us. + +Now, all this was miscellaneous, yet I had one object running through it +all, and the girls helped me to carry it out by listening in the right +spirit, knowing that I was only pointing out the various doors through +which they might go by-and-by. Not one of them thought she had "done" a +subject because we had thus talked about it,--we all learnt to feel our +own ignorance, and at the same time, how much there was in the world to +learn. + +I want to show you this morning where such a lesson should fit in, in the +general plan of your education. To do that, you must first have the plan. +Have you ever thought what education was to do for you, or, are you +learning your lessons, day by day, just because they are set? I know what +I want to do with you, but I cannot do it unless you work hand-in-hand +with me, and you cannot do that unless you think about the matter and +realize that, for instance, Euclid is not only Euclid, it ought to teach +certain mental and moral qualities which you must have if you are ever to +be worth your salt. There is a story of Dr. Johnson, which seems to me to +apply to so many things. When his friend, Mr. Thrale, the great brewer, +died, there was a sale of the brewery, which Dr. Johnson attended. An +acquaintance expressed surprise at the great man's honouring with his +presence such an ordinary affair as the sale of a brewery. "Sir," said Dr. +Johnson, turning with crushing deliberation on the unhappy speaker, "this +is not the sale of a mere brewery, but of the potentiality of growing rich +beyond the dreams of avarice." This story seems to me well worth +remembering, both because it is so characteristic of the Doctor, and +because it is applicable to so many things. It is so easy to go through +the world not seeing the importance of things, like the common people in +"Phantasies," who never saw what a fairyland they lived in. Lessons, for +instance, are not mere lessons, they are "the potentiality of growing rich +in wisdom and in goodness beyond our highest dreams." + +I should be sorry if, in after life, you should wake up and say to +yourself, "How much more good my lessons would have done me if some one +had shown me the real use of them and made me think, so that I might have +learnt all I could, instead of just slipping through them day by day." No +one can do the thinking for you. Unless you work with me by trying to +think, I cannot really do much for you. I can bring you to the water, but +I cannot make you drink. Yes, after all, I _can_ make you drink, _i.e._ do +your lessons day by day as a matter of obedience. So a better illustration +would be that I can make you eat, but I cannot make you digest your food. +You can prevent its doing you any good. If you simply learn your lessons +by rote and do not use your thinking powers, education is very little +good,--the obedience will have done you good, but, as far as mental growth +is concerned, you will not gain much, for that sort of education drops +off, like water off a duck's back, when you leave school. They say "a fool +and his money are soon parted," but that is nothing to the speed with +which a fool and his education are parted! + +Now, I am going to take the chief subjects you learn, and show the higher +things which I want you to gain when you are doing those lessons, and +_you_ must want it too, or my wanting it will not do much good. You do not +learn Mathematics simply that you may know so many books of Euclid, and so +many pages of Algebra; it is to give you power over your minds, to enable +you to follow a chain of reasoning, to teach you to keep up continuous +attention, and not to jump at conclusions. I do not say you cannot learn +these things except by Mathematics; you might do it by Logic, and I know +many people who have done it by mother-wit and the teaching of life; but +when a person is inclined to trust to his mother-wit, and to neglect +educational advantages because he can do without them, I for one feel +inclined to doubt whether his share of mother-wit can be very large, after +all. The people I have known who are clever, without having had the +careful school-training you enjoy, used all the advantages that came in +their way (though, when they were young, advantages were fewer), and +unless you do the same, you cannot expect to be like them. Also, clever +untrained people often feel very much hampered by their want of training; +you see the cleverness, but they feel how much more they could have done +if they had been trained. Therefore, do not allow yourselves to think +"Euclid is no good, because 'Aunt So-and-so' is quite clever enough, and +she never did it;" depend upon it, that is not going the right road to be +like her. I feel quite sure that if this "not impossible aunt" had had +opportunities of learning Euclid when she was young, she would have done +it, and very well too! Of course, if you mean to read Mathematics from +choice by-and-by, you will work hard at the subject now, but I can quite +understand that those who are not going to do this, perhaps sometimes +feel, "What is the good? I shall never look at a Euclid again after I +leave school--I want to learn how to hold my own in after-life,--I want to +be able to talk when I come out,--I want to be a sensible woman, whose +opinion will be asked by other people,--I want to be clever at house-work +or cooking, or to be able to manage a shop,--I want to be strong enough +and wise enough to be a support and comfort to others,--I want to be a +useful woman and not a mathematician!" Well! that is just what I want you +to be, but I am quite sure that Mathematics will help you to this, by +making you accurate and reasonable and attentive, without which qualities +you will be no use and very little comfort. If you work hard at +Mathematics while you are here, and gain these qualities, you have my free +leave to shut your Euclid for good on the day you leave school,--you will +have learnt his best lessons. + +Is there any great mental good which you can gain by the study of +Languages, quite apart from the advantage of being able to read and speak +when you go abroad? Yes; it enlarges your mind to know the various ways in +which things are expressed by different nations. A person who knows no +language but his own is like a man who can only see with one eye. It opens +a whole new world of thought to realize that other nations have other +words. + +Again, it makes you know your own language. Translation gives you choice +of words and trains you to appreciate delicate shades of meaning; this +helps you to appreciate Poetry, for one of the main beauties of great +poets, such as Milton and Tennyson, is their marvellous perception of +shades of difference, and the felicity with which they choose exactly the +right adjective! + +It is said that barbarous tribes use a very small vocabulary; I sometimes +fear we may be going back to a savage state, when I think of the +vocabulary of a modern schoolgirl, and see how much ground is covered over +with these two narrow words, "awfully" and "jolly." Hannah More +complained, in her day, of the indiscriminate use of the word "nice." +"Formerly," she says, "a person was 'charming,' or 'accomplished,' or +'distinguished,' or 'well-bred,' or 'talented,' etc., and each word had +its own shade of meaning; now, every one is 'nice,' which saves much +thought." "Nice" held its position, for we find Miss Austen making Henry +Tilney laugh at the same misuse of the word. "Awfully" and "jolly" seem to +perform the same kind office for us which "nice" did for our +grandmothers,--they "save us much thought," and are used with a large +disregard of their inappropriateness; I have even been told by a girl that +the _Christian Year_ was "such an awfully jolly book"! Now, I am sure of +this: you will find excessive use of those two words always betokens an +empty, or rather an uncultivated, mind. I do not believe in any exception; +their votaries may have learning, but they have not digested it, they are +not thoughtful, they are "young (or old) barbarians," for it is the +unfailing mark of a cultivated mind, to use the right word in the right +place, and never "to use a sixpenny word when a threepenny one will do." + +History should not be bare facts; it illustrates and explains politics of +our own day; it teaches sympathy and large-mindedness, and the power of +admiring virtues which are not of our own type. The Royalist learns to see +the strength of Cromwell, and the Roundhead to see the beauty of "the +White King." It ought to make the world bigger to us by helping us to +realize other places and other times. If we are to live quiet stay-at-home +lives afterwards, it is very important that we should try not to be narrow +and "provincial," and history and geography should help us in this +matter. + +Poetry in the same way helps to make us imaginative, which is necessary, +if we are to have the Christian graces of tact and sympathy. It is very +important to learn the best poetry by heart; it is dull perhaps at first, +but new meanings unfold themselves every time we say it. Mr. Ruskin says +we ought to read a few verses every day, as we should do with the Bible, +to keep our lives from getting choked with commonplace dust, to remind us +that the Ideal exists. It certainly puts new beauty into life if we know +what poets have said about it, and how they expressed themselves, and this +might save us from unworthy expression. I have heard an intelligent +schoolgirl, looking at a glorious sunset, say concisely, "How awfully +jolly!" I have heard a schoolboy say, "How rum!" I believe they were both +touched, but I think they would have expressed themselves differently and +have got more pleasure out of it if they had been taught to see, by having +it reflected from poets and painters, and had known more of "the best that +has been thought and said." + +There was so much I wanted to say that it is difficult to stop. I have +given only general ideas, but bear in mind--as the main point of what I +have said--that I want you to educate yourselves, to get ready for life, +and to use your lessons here to bring out those qualities which you will +want afterwards in everyday life. + +Now, how will such general lessons help you in after-life? + +First, I want them to help you to be interested in the things you will +meet with in books and newspapers and conversation; you will not hear much +about some lessons, but you will about these things--they are things that +it "becomes a young woman to know." + +Then, too, I want you to leave school with introductions to all sorts of +nice people in books; you will find it do you as much good as social +introductions. Schoolgirls are often "out of it" for a time, when they go +home, because they had only "lesson-book" interests; I should like to +begin outside interests with you. + +Also, this kind of general interest makes the world seem bigger and more +interesting; we get an idea of how many delightful things there are in it, +and so our pleasures are increased, which is always a great advantage. +Happiness is a duty, and sensible interests are a wonderful help to it. + +Touching on many interests shows us our ignorance. I have known +schoolgirls, who were kept to their lessons, Algebra and Latin and periods +of History, and who thought they knew a good deal, because they measured +by a schoolroom standard. When they came in contact with the number of +things that cultivated people of society care for and appreciate, they +learnt a good deal of humility. Certainly the more I read on general +subjects the more I feel my own ignorance, and I think it would be very +odd if it did not have the same effect on you. + +The next reason for this sort of lesson, and one of the best, is that it +ought to raise our taste. It is not enough to like or dislike a book: we +ought to train ourselves to like the best books. We do not think ourselves +born judges in music or art; we submit to being trained before we think +our opinion worth giving. It would be just so with a book, but you often +hear girls quite sorry for the author if they find a book dull; they feel +he is to blame! When I find an author dull, whom good critics admire, I +feel pretty sure that I am deficient on that point, and I try to learn to +see in him what they do. I speak from experience; when I found Wordsworth +dull, I knew it was my own fault, and I read and re-read him, and listened +to those who could appreciate him, and now I am rewarded by his being a +real part of the pleasures of my life. We need not leave off liking the +merely pretty writers, such as Miss Procter and Longfellow. I love +Longfellow and admire Miss Procter, but I cared for them both quite as +much when I was seven, and an author who can be in some measure +appreciated at seven ought to give way to deeper authors by-and-by. Like +Guinevere, it is our duty "to love the highest." The great good of +cultivated homes is that we learn to "put away childish things" and to +admire the better things which we hear talked of. Some of you may not have +this advantage; your people may be too busy for talking about books and +such things, and some of you may be cut off from interesting talks by +having school lessons to prepare when you would like to listen. Therefore, +I should like you to get some talk in school on such subjects--to spend +some "Half-hours with the best Authors." + + + + +Holidays. + + +"Where shall we spend the holidays?" has doubtless been discussed in many +households, by both parents and children,--I wonder if the children +followed it up by a still more important question, "_How_ shall I spend +the holidays?" Just at the close of a term you will not want me to suggest +anything that is like lessons, but at the same time I do not see why you +should spend seven weeks in idleness and novel-reading, any more than you +would live for seven weeks on puddings and sweets. You like plenty of +sweets, and I hope you will get them, but I hope you will have meat as +well! + +There are many books which are not novels, and which you would yet +enjoy,--books which would send you back more thoughtful; and though you +might not know any one lesson better next term because of having read +them, yet you would be a step nearer to being the sort of women you would +like to be. I dare say when you go for your holiday you will get something +to read at the station bookstall. Now, several of the books I mean can be +got there, as easily as yellow novels, and can be got for the price of +_Punch_; they are so small you could have them in your pocket and get them +read in odds and ends of time, out-of-doors, so that you need not miss any +expedition, or any fresh air, through staying in the house to study. In +the same way you could get some really good poem for a penny, and learn it +by heart. Nothing would please me so much as if you all brought me next +term the name of some book you had read, of this kind, and repeated to me +a poem of the sort that you think I should like--which very likely is not +the sort _you_ like, as yet. It would do you good, whether you enjoyed it +or not, for you would be teaching yourselves to like the better kind of +books if you persevered with it, and your holidays would be pleasanter, as +well as better, if there was some effort of this kind to give backbone to +each day. Cooks say there should be a pinch of salt in everything you eat, +and I am sure we ought to have a pinch of the moral salt of self-conquest +in each day, just to keep it sweet and good. + +Perhaps you will think I am always wanting you to read, and you would like +to remind me that there are many other commendable pursuits. I certainly +am rather of the opinion Lowell expresses in "Democracy." He says, +"Southey, in his walk one stormy day, met an old woman, to whom, by way +of greeting, he made the rather obvious remark that it was dreadful +weather. She answered, philosophically, that, in her opinion, 'any sort of +weather was better than none!'" I should be half inclined to say that any +reading was better than none. + +Yet you are quite right about those other pursuits, and I hope you will +follow them; but at the same time, if you have not already got a taste for +reading, it is the most important of all tastes for you to strive to +acquire, as it is very doubtful if you will manage otherwise to do so in +later life. I should pity you terribly if you failed to acquire it, for +you will all find life hard in one way or another, and you will find that +a love of reading is even more valuable than a sense of humour in helping +you over rough places. And--over and above the minor, more "worldly" +support of its power of amusing and interesting you, even in the most "set +grey life"--it is linked to those higher helps, without which, neither +reading nor anything else will do us much good. St. Hugh of Lincoln made +much of good books because he said they "made illness and sorrow +endurable," and, besides this, they save you from many temptations. It has +been well said, "It is very hard for a person who does not like reading to +talk without sinning.... Reading hinders castle-building, which is an +inward disease, wholly incompatible with devotion.... Towards afternoon a +person who has nothing to do drifts rapidly away from God. To sit down in +a chair without an object is to jump into a thicket of temptation. A +vacant hour is always the devil's hour. Then a book is a strong tower, +nay, a very church, with angels lurking among the leaves." + +But although I must allow reading to be my special hobby,--one, however, +which is run very hard in my affections by both cooking and +gardening,--still I quite appreciate other hobbies, and I should be quite +as much pleased next term if, instead of telling me about books read and +bringing me a piece of poetry learnt (by-the-by, I do very much wish you +would all learn Wordsworth's "Ode to Duty" during the holidays)--if, +instead of this, you showed me collections of wild flowers or shells. A +little time ago I saw a charming book of dried flowers, collected by a set +of children just out of a kindergarten. Each flower had a page to itself, +with its name neatly written, and any extra local names which it happened +to possess. On the opposite page was written any verses of poetry that the +children could find about it; and I was quite surprised to see what a good +collection they had of bits from Tennyson and Shakespeare and Wordsworth, +etc. Of course, the older sisters and the mothers must have helped them in +this part, but such a book, made in the holidays, would be the work of +the whole family, so you would have plenty of help; and you will notice +that the poetical part of it is a special attraction to me, as it affords +exercise to my own hobby both in reading and in verifying quotations. + +I think I had better here give you warning that when you come back next +term every one will have to write an essay, describing some one place they +have been to during the holidays. I tell you now, that you may try to find +out all you can of the real interest of the place; its historical, or +legendary, or literary associations, or its flowers, or shells, or +fossils. + +There is one other point of holiday-making on which I should like to talk +to you. Some of you may have read Charles Lamb's amusing essay on "Popular +Fallacies;" I suppose every one could add to his list from their own +experience of life. One of the popular fallacies I should like to combat +is, that "holidays are 'the children's hour;'" though I quite allow that, +like most popular fallacies, it has many grains of truth in it. The little +victims consider that conscientious application to grammar and history +deserves a compensating course of lying in bed in the morning, sitting up +late at night, and general indulgence, with every right-minded member of +the household waiting upon them, and making plans for their amusement. +Now, I quite see their side of the question. It is not pleasant, day +after day, to go on steadily with work, which you do not happen to care +for; to be cut off from this or that expedition, because lessons +interfere; to have to get up early every morning; to lose this or that +visit;--and, therefore, I hope your holidays may be full of fun, and that +you may be richly rewarded for any struggles you may have made during the +term. + +But there is another side of it all, and _term-time_ is "the children's +hour," from one point of view. + +Instead of the term being, for children, a time of self-denial, and the +holidays, a time of well-earned self-indulgence,--I feel that term-time +means self-denial for the parents, and selfishness for the children. Do +not misunderstand me; the selfishness which I mean is forced upon you,--it +is your duty, in term-time, to put lessons first. It may very well be that +some of you feel you were wrongly selfish in your way of doing it,--that +you allowed school work and school interests to blind you to the helpful +things you might have done at home without any injury to the lessons. I +occasionally hear such things as, that school is "so bad for girls, +because So-and-so gets so engrossed with her work that she is irritable +when any demand is made on her time, and is deep in her books when any +demand is made on her sympathies; and when she is not studying, she and +her school friends are running in and out of each other's houses, so that +her mother might as well have no daughter at all." I do beg that none of +you will bring this discredit on school life, for the system gets blamed +when it is really your individual shortcoming which is in fault; you ought +to be big enough to hold both school and home interests! But, setting +aside this form of term-time selfishness, which we shall all agree to +condemn, there remains another form of it, which is a duty. You must put +lessons first, or you will be wasting both your parents' money and that +leisure for self-improvement, which, as a rule, is only granted to us +while we are young. You are not free, yet, to be as useful at home as you +would like to be; your mother has to do without a daughter, to a large +extent, or to avail herself of one with the uncomfortable feeling that the +daughter is losing valuable time thereby, and probably is considering +herself a martyr in having to do unscholastic duties. I dare say the +daughter feels, "It isn't to please myself that I slave at my lessons; +mother would be vexed if I didn't; and it's very hard that I should be +both hindered in them and made to do other things as well,--it's quite bad +enough in term-time to have to fag at lessons." But just consider, for a +moment, this "fagging at lessons:" _you_ feel that in so doing you are +making a concession to your mother, for which she ought to show unbounded +gratitude by all manner of sweetmeats in the holidays. But who profits by +these lessons,--your mother, who denies herself many a small luxury to be +able to pay for them, or you, who are being fitted by them to take a good +place in after-life? It seems to me that the gratitude and the sweatmeats +ought to flow from you to her; I quite see the force of it, if any girl +feels what I have just described,--I flatter myself I generally do see the +force of my victim's complaints; but it does not do my victim much good, +because I generally also see the force of something else, which is of +superior importance, but which the victim, very likely, will not see till +she is older. + +If you have read that pearl of stories, "Cranford," you will remember how +Mrs. Jenkyns, to avoid explaining things to the small Deborah, "took to +stirring the fire or sending the 'forrard' child on an errand." Now, +unlike Mrs. Jenkyns, I believe in explaining my views to the "forrard" +children, as I think the superiority of girls over boys consists in the +remarkably early age at which girls begin to be reasonable! After +expressing such a high opinion of you, I hope you will all prove me right, +by seeing the truth that underlies the theory I am putting before you, +which I am sure you will all be inclined to reckon as a fallacy! + +There is no need for me to dwell on the desirability of holidays being +made pleasant for _you_--fathers and mothers are only too ready to do it; +but there is a need for somebody to dwell on the desirability of holidays +being made pleasant for fathers and mothers. They are too unselfish +generally to speak for themselves, especially in holiday time. I hear them +saying, in deprecation of my hard-heartedness, "Oh, let the poor children +have a good time! they can only be young once; they work hard at school, +let them have a little fun in the holidays." I quite agree: I believe in +as much fun as you can get: I should like to be able to insist as sternly +on your all enjoying yourselves in the holidays, as I should on your +working in term-time. There was a great deal of sound wisdom in that +Eastern potentate, who proclaimed a general holiday, adding, "Make merry, +my children, make merry; he who does not make merry will be flogged!" + +At the same time, much as I care for your having fun, I do not see why +"fun" should mean upsetting all the household arrangements, and doubling +the servants' work, by your late hours in the morning; at all events, +after the first few mornings, when perhaps it is only natural you should +wish to feel your liberty. But sooner or later you will have to learn that +liberty, for reasonable beings, only means being free to forge your own +chains,--being free to make such rules as you know are necessary, if you +are to live a wholesome, health-giving life. Being late for prayers is +hardly a form of self-government which we should admire in the abstract, +though it is very tempting in practice; and keeping your mother waiting +for her breakfast, or else letting her have a solitary meal, is hardly a +good way of being that domestic sunbeam which schoolgirls are supposed to +have time to be,--in holidays! + +Holidays are sometimes spent in incessant excursions with young friends, +leaving your mother at home to look after the little ones; and yet, +perhaps, your mother had a very dull time of it in term-time, when you +were either at work, and could not be spoken to, or were busy over school +gossip with some friend, and, perhaps, she looked forward to the holidays +as a time when she would get a little companionship from the daughter for +whom she makes so many sacrifices. But she is too unselfish to be the +least drag upon you; so she asks a school friend to stay with you, and, +somehow, always has a good reason for really wanting not to join the +expedition, and takes the younger ones off your hands with an air of its +being almost self-indulgence on her part to do it. But, all the same, +whatever she says, mothers like going about too, and, even if they do not, +they like to feel that their presence makes part of their daughter's +pleasure in the holiday pleasurings. You may think it very hard-hearted +and mistaken of me to suppose that you would be so selfish with your +mother, but I have, often and often, seen it done, and I feel like a +little boy I know, who can hardly speak yet, but who is evidently born to +be a general redresser of wrongs,--he is very quickly struck by any +instance of the folly and injustice of the world, and his favourite remark +is, "_Somebody_ ought to tell them; why shouldn't I?" Now, _somebody_ +ought to say this about mothers, and the mothers who do the unselfish +things are the last people who will ever remind you that they, too, have +feelings, so I will usurp that little boy's office, and tell you myself, +for I am quite sure that, if it ever struck you, you would be shocked at +doing it, but, + + "Evil is wrought by want of thought, + As well as want of heart." + +However, I do not intend to make this my closing quotation, as I am sure +my children will have plenty of both heart and thought, and that they will +shed around them a full supply of that sunshine which the weather seems so +determined to deny us! I suppose we must allow, with Southey's old woman, +that "any weather is better than none," but it is incontestable that we +seem likely to have every opportunity afforded us, during these holidays, +at all events, of + + "Making a sunshine in a _shady_ place." + + + + +Sunday. + + +In many ways this is a disquieting age in which to live, and yet it is +also markedly hopeful. It is true that the power of authority and of +custom is crumbling on many sides, but surely this should lead to the +laying of deeper and truer foundations. In this very question of Sunday, +the Fourth Commandment used to settle the question, whereas now we +investigate its origins and claims in a way which sounds rebellious and +unfilial. Yet it may be nearer the mind of Christ than unthinking +obedience, for the servant accepts with blind obedience this or that rule +spoken by his master; the friend, the son, strives to understand "his +father's innermost mind." He may or may not be convinced that certain +words spoken on Mount Sinai, about the Jewish Sabbath, were intended to +refer to the Christian Sunday; but, in either case, he realizes the nature +of the spiritual life, and perceives that worship and thought and time are +essential to it. He sees that the old Jewish rule tends to develop this +spiritual life, and therefore, until he finds a better way, he feels it +morally binding on himself; not because it was a Jewish rule, but because +it assists his own growth. + +Suppose a master admired a bed of lilies and said, "Let me always find +some here;" if a landslip destroyed that bed, a slave might feel absolved +from further trouble about lilies, but the son would say, "No; we can give +my father what he wants by growing them elsewhere--it was not so much the +bed, as the lilies, that he really cared for." + +God will look in us for the lilies of peace and spiritual-mindedness, +which only grow where there is what the old Babylonians called "a Sabbath +of the heart." Are we to feel absolved from responding to His demand +because old Jewish ways have vanished? When St. Paul speaks so slightingly +of "times and seasons and Sabbaths," does he mean that the worship and +meditation belonging to such seasons were valueless? No; he is rather +saying, "How can you think that our Father values, not the lilies, but +only the fact of their growing on this or that bit of earth?" + +Every day, landslips are altering the features of God's great garden--this +present world. We can no longer rely on definite instructions to plant in +this or that place; many circumstances, as yet unborn, may hinder it. But +we must get it well into our minds that the Master will certainly come +down into His garden to ask for lilies, and that we must plant without +delay; tools and methods may be improved upon, certain aspects which are +now favourable may be deprived of sun by future buildings, but let us +clearly realize that the end and object of having a garden is to grow +flowers, though ways and means may vary with the times. + +It is much easier to follow rules than to be inspired with the burning +desire to produce flowers and the moral thoughtfulness which uses the best +methods of the day. + +But you can less well afford to do without moral thoughtfulness now than +you could have done a generation ago. Thirty years ago a woman's path was +hedged in by signposts and by-laws, and danger-signals, to which she +attended as a matter of course; to-day, she has to find her way across a +moorland with uncertain tracks, which she may desert at will. She needs to +know something of the stars to guide her now--she needs nobler and deeper +teaching than in the days of convenances and chaperons. + +At present you have your home ways to guide, but you will find Sunday vary +in almost every house you stay in, and when you marry you will have to set +the tone of a household; if you are to keep Sunday rightly in the future, +you must learn now to value it rightly, and that means moral +thoughtfulness,--a realization of our need of an inner life and of what +that inner life requires for its sustenance, and an appreciation of the +teaching of the Church Catechism, which tells us that our duty to God +begins with Worship. + +What can we say as to the positive duty of keeping Sunday? We can hardly +say we are literally bound by the Jewish Sabbath, since, for Jewish +Christians, the Sabbath and Sunday existed for some time side by side, as +separate institutions; Sunday being a day of united worship, while the +Sabbath supplied retirement from the world. + +Gentiles kept Sunday only; but gradually there were incorporated into it +all the spiritual elements of the Sabbath. In this point, as in all +others, the underlying eternal meaning of the Law was recoined and +reissued by Christianity; no jot or tittle of its spirit passed away. + +In "The English Sunday,"[4] by Canon Bernard, you will find a short sketch +of the history of the day; its universal acceptance through the decree of +Constantine, which organized the popular custom of a weekly holiday; the +resistance of Luther and Calvin to any idea of being bound by the Jewish +Sabbath; the Anglican idea of Church Services combined with the Book of +Sports; the Puritan idea of a day of retirement from worldly business and +amusement; and, finally, the gradual acceptance of this last idea by the +English national conscience, so that High Churchmen, like Law and Nelson, +echoed the Puritan ideal, and the average business Englishman accepted it +as the right thing. + +I am convinced that the vigour of the nation and the health of our own +souls depends on keeping Sunday,--not only by going to Church, but by so +arranging it that we get into an unworldly atmosphere, and have leisure +for the thought and reading which develop our spiritual nature. + +Such a Sunday is the development of the Fourth Commandment, keeping it in +the spirit though not in the letter. + +I am inclined to think that the Fourth Commandment is the most important +of all: if that is faithfully observed--if we spend due time in God's +Presence looking at things as He does, judging ourselves by His +standard--then the rest of our lives must in time get raised to the level +of those "golden hours;" we are as certain to improve as a person who +regularly goes up into bracing air is certain to grow stronger. + +Bishop Wordsworth's hymn suggests the highest lines on which to take the +subject, and I would ask, are you specially careful to come to breakfast +full of sunshine on Sunday mornings, as on a "day of rest and gladness"? +Is it a cooling fountain to you? Do you soak yourself enough in good +thoughts to be more soothed and peaceful than you were on Saturday? Was +last Sunday a Pisgah's mountain?--did you cast so much as a glance at the +promised Land, at what will make the true joy of Heaven, the being like +Christ? did you seriously think over where you were unlike Him and where +you could be more like Him in the coming week? "New graces ever +gaining:"--did you gain any grace at all last Sunday--or would this week +have been exactly the same if Sunday had been wiped out? Make up a prayer, +for Saturday's use, on the ideas in this hymn, or use the hymn in your +prayers, as inspiration on Saturday night and as self-examination on +Sunday night. + +Sunday should, as the Warden of Keble says, be a day of new plans for +using the coming week better than we did the last, and this implies quiet +time for thoughtfully considering both the past and the coming week. On +Sunday we should breathe different air and see weekday vexations from a +Sunday point of view. + +Our Sunday reading may well include all that is referred to in Phil. iv. +8: "Whatsoever things are noble." I would not say this or that book is +wrong on Sunday--a book which is good on Saturday does not become bad on +Sunday, but, as is the case with many excellent weekday employments, it +may very well be a misuse of Sunday time, because we could be doing +something better. I strongly advise you to make your Sunday books--and as +far as possible all your Sunday habits--different from those of the week, +if only to give yourself a chance of getting out of grooves, of getting +that complete change of air which is so conducive to a new start in one's +inner life and mental vigour. Lord Lawrence's Life would be splendid +Sunday reading, but if you are reading it in the week, you would be wise +to put it away on Sunday in favour of a change of air. + +It is quite possible that you are busy on Sunday, sometimes a father or +brothers, hard at work all the week, want you to amuse them on Sunday. Or +you may be busy with Sunday-school or Classes, which equally prevents the +personal keeping of Sunday, while many household arrangements may make an +old-fashioned Sunday impossible. (Let those who can have it be thankful +instead of rebelling at its dulness!) + +At the same time, I would suggest that the very young men for whose sake +you are making the sacrifice--(the sacrifice of doing things which amuse +you as much as them, sometimes more, since a young man occasionally likes +to lie in a hammock and read, without having the girls always +about)--those very young men need Sunday quiet whether they desire it or +not. + +Would it not be well also, if you do have games, to keep to those which +allow of talk if the impulse comes, since a Sunday talk is often a help, +and whether or no it is combined with boating or golf. + +I do not say to you, stand out against household ways and make yourself +disagreeable by carrying out a Puritan Sunday--the only kind I believe in. +No; surely that would be a very unchristlike way of spending Sunday. + +But every girl knows the difference between helping to make a pleasant +family circle and lounging idly through the day in self-indulgent gossip +and games. You must do what others do, and yet you must have a clear plan +of the reading and prayer and thinking which is right for you personally. +If you cannot do it at one time on Sunday, find another, or else get it +done on Saturday. Nearly every one could find time for Sunday duties, only +you would rather not, because they are dull. I am not surprised, it is not +natural to like them till the spiritual nature is alive in you, but that +will never be until you force yourself to take this spiritual food as a +duty, or rather, as essential to your life. + + "A Sabbath well spent + Brings a week of content + And strength for the toils of the morrow." + +Those are very old words by Sir Matthew Hale: I know them framed in the +hall of an old-fashioned country house, and they bring back to me rest and +quiet, and sweet sounds and scents--the bowl of roses and the pretty old +chintz on the sofa just under the words. + +I hope Sunday-like Sundays are not only to be found in old houses, but we +all feel that Sunday quiet is likely to be the first thing sacrificed in +the rush and bustle of modern life. But if we have no time to eat, we +cannot keep up to working pitch, we lose vitality: if we have no time for +spiritual food, our souls lose vitality, and unfortunately starvation of +the soul is a painless process, so we may unconsciously be getting weaker +and weaker spiritually. + +You are regularly on your knees night and morning, but are you ever two +minutes alone with God?--and yet "being silent to God"--alone with +Him--is, humanly speaking, the only condition on which He can "mould +us."[5] I am so afraid that the lawful pleasures and even the commanded +duties of life, let alone its excitements and cravings, will eat out your +possibilities of spirituality and saintliness: it is so easy to float on +the stream of life with others--so terribly hard to come, you yourself, +alone into a desert place to listen to those words out of the mouth of +God, by which only your individual life can be fed. The self-denials of +Lent are comparatively easy, but to gain that quietness, which Bishop Gore +says is "the essence of Lent," is a hard struggle at all times of the +year. Do not let any one think, "this is all very well for quiet homes, +but I cannot be expected to act on it, since 'the week-end' is always so +busy." It would be very unpractical to say, day after day, "I cannot be +expected, for this and that excellent reason, to eat my dinner to-day." +You would soon find it advisable, for your own sake, to find some time at +which you _could_ eat. I do not say, though it would be true, "it is a sin +to break the Sabbath, and, in order to avoid God's anger, you must go to +Church and read good books;"--I say, "for your own sake, you _cannot +afford_ to neglect these things, and if you cannot find time on Sunday, it +will be not only a crime but a blunder if you do not make time on Saturday +or Monday." I only say, "if you do not eat enough to keep you alive, you +will die; and if you do not feed on the Word of God, your soul will +shrivel away." + +Dante saw some souls in hell whose bodies were still alive on +earth,--their friends in Florence and Lucca had not the faintest idea that +these men, seemingly a part of everyday life, were, all the time, "dead +souls." There is hardly a more terrible idea in all that terrible book, +and yet it is a possibility in our own daily life--this atrophy of the +spiritual nature, corresponding to the atrophy of the poetical nature +which Darwin noted in himself as due to his own neglect. Mr. Clifford, in +"A Likely Story," forcibly depicts a soul awaking in the next world to +find that through this unconscious starvation, there was no longer +anything in him to correspond with God. "The possibility of death is +involved in our Lord's words about the power of living by the Word of +God." + +Sometimes we are too tired to keep Sunday properly, and we give to +"private sloth the time which was meant for public worship;" but surely +then the Sabbath breaking lay really in the week's excess of work. If we +allow ourselves to live so hard in the week, to be so late on Saturday, +that we are sleepy and stupid on Sunday morning, then we are not keeping +the Fourth Commandment, even if we force ourselves to go to Church; we are +not serving God with a fair share of our mind and strength. + +In these over-worked days of nerve exhaustion, it should be an inducement +to remember how fresh and unwearied Mr. Gladstone was kept by his regular +Sunday habits. He said, "Sunday I reserve for religious employments, and +this has kept me alive and well, even to a marvel, in time of considerable +labour. We are born on each Lord's day morning into a new climate, where +the lungs and heart of the Christian life should drink in continuously the +vital air." + +Retreats and Rest-cures are nowadays found to be imperatively necessary; +but are not both symptoms of something over-wrought in our system? Would +it not be well for some if they tried, as Miss Wordsworth suggests, the +effect of keeping one Sunday in the week? + +I do not wish to dwell on the unselfish side of the question--the moral +obligation of keeping to those forms of entertainment and games which give +as little trouble as possible to servants,--I am sure that needs no +enforcing on a generous mind. + +Neither do I wish to discuss what employments are suitable for Sunday, +though I should like to draw your attention to a suggestion, in the Bishop +of Salisbury's Guild Manual, that Sunday letters should always, as a +matter of principle, have some Sunday element in them, and that we should +refrain from writing to people with whom we were not on this footing. How +often our Sunday letters only clear our writing-table, that it may be +freer for Monday's business! + +Neither do I speak of our duty to God in the matter of worship, nor of the +definite rules as to church-going which each must make for herself, if her +religion is not to vary with every house she stays in; I do not speak of +the obligation binding on every member of the Church to conform to her +Church's regulations as to united worship. Every one of these points need +a chapter to itself, and I wish to keep to a single point which seems in +great danger of being neglected in this hurrying age, when there is such +terrible likelihood that we may "never once possess our souls before we +die." + +It is not the duty of keeping Sunday on which I want to lay stress, but +the fact that we dare not, for our own safety's sake, neglect it. Our +moral thoughtfulness, our spiritual growth, the very existence of our +inner life, depends on our obtaining a sufficient supply of the air of +Heaven to keep our souls alive. To use Dean Church's words: "On the way in +which we spend our Sundays depends, for most of us, the depth, the +reality, the steadiness, of our spiritual life." + +[Footnote 4: Methuen. 1_s. 6d._] + +[Footnote 5: "Be silent to God, and let Him mould thee."--Ps. xxxvii. 7.] + + + + +Friendship and Love. + + "The fountains of my hidden life + Are through thy friendship fair." + + +No word in our language has a nobler meaning than "friendship;" it is a +pity that none is more often abused. Every hasty intimacy formed by force +of circumstances--often merely by force of living next door--is dignified +with the title; but a deeper bond is needed to make a real friendship. "By +true friendship," says Jeremy Taylor, "I mean the greatest love, and the +greatest usefulness, and the most open communication, and the noblest +suffering, and the most exemplary faithfulness, and the severest truth, +and the heartiest counsel, and the greatest union of minds of which brave +men and women are capable." + +"Friendship is the perfection of love," says the Proverb, and a certain +James Colebrooke and Mary his wife, buried in Chilham churchyard, seem to +have been of this mind, for the climax of their long epitaph is, that they +"lived for forty-seven years in the greatest friendship." + +Proverbs on this subject abound, and teach varied lessons: "A faithful +friend is the medicine of life;" but it would seem to act differently on +different constitutions, for, on the one hand, we are told, "a Father is a +Treasure, a Brother is a Comforter, a Friend is both;" on the other, we +hear the familiar exclamation, "Save me from my friends!" which is +justified by experience from the times of Aristides downwards, and is +endorsed by Solomon, when he said, "He that blesseth his friend with a +loud voice rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to +him;"--words of which the wisdom will be felt by all who know what it is +to feel unreasoning prejudice against some unoffending person, solely +because of the excessive praise of some injudicious friend. Yet none the +less are we bound to defend our friends behind their backs and to set them +in a fair light. If we cannot aspire generally to St. Theresa's title of +"Advocate of the Absent," honour demands that we should at least earn it +with regard to our friends: though it requires infinite tact to avoid +making your friend fatiguing, if not distasteful, to your listener in so +doing. For Tact, as well as Honour, is a necessary condition of +friendship, in speaking both of, and to, your friend. In this matter of +tact, Courtesy covers a large part of the ground. + + "We have careful thought for the stranger, + And smiles for the some time guest, + But we grieve our own + With look and tone, + Though we love our own the best." + +This applies most to brothers and sisters, but also to friends; it takes +the delicate edge from friendship if we think ourselves absolved from the +minor courtesies of manner and speech. + +We often say pretty things to an acquaintance, and omit them to a friend, +"because she knows us, and we need not be ceremonious." But ceremony is +not half such a bad thing as this age seems to think; it may be overdone, +but so may its opposite. Why should we not give our friend the pleasure of +this or that acknowledgment of her powers, which a stranger would give +her, but which she would value far more from us, even though she "knows we +know" it? Saying those things makes the wheels of life's chariot run +smoothly,--we think them, why are we so slow to say them? Why should "the +privilege of a friend" be synonymous with a cutting remark? Why should we +all have reason to feel that "friend" might, without any violation of +truth, be substituted for the last word in that acute remark on the "fine +frankness about unpleasant truths which marks the relative"? Well might +Bob Jakes say, "Lor, miss, it's a fine thing to hev' a dumb brute fond o' +yer! it sticks to yer and makes no jaw." This question of making no "jaw" +is rather a vexed one. Most people's experience would lead them to attend +to a canny Dutch proverb, which observes that a "friend's" faults may be +noticed but not blamed: since the consequences of blaming them are mostly +unpleasant; but a braver proverb says, "A true friend dares sometimes +venture to be offensive;" and we read that it is our duty to "admonish a +friend; it may be that he hath not said it, and, if he have, that he speak +it not again." But this earnest remonstrance which is sometimes required +of us is very different from the small, nagging, and somewhat impertinent +criticisms which pass so freely between many friends. But defending an +absent friend is not the only point of honour essential in true +friendship. At the present time the Roman virtues seem somewhat at a +discount,--they are suspected of a flavour of Paganism; it is more in +accordance with the Genius of our Age to show our interest in our friend +by talking over his moral and spiritual condition (and _par parenthèse_, +all his other affairs) with a sympathizing circle, than to heed the +old-fashioned idea, "He that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the +matter." How often do we hear, "I wouldn't, for the world, tell any one +but you, but--;" and then follows a string of repeated confidences which +the friend under discussion would writhe to hear; yet the speaker would be +most indignant at being considered dishonourable, because "it was only +said to So-and-so, which is _so_ different from saying it to any one +else"! The Son of Sirach made no exception in favour of "So-and-so" when +he said, "Rehearse not unto another that which is told unto thee, and thou +shall fare never the worse." If it be true of a wife, that "a silent and +loving woman is a gift of the Lord," I am sure it is no less so of a +friend; in friendship, as in most relations of life, silence, in its +season, is a cardinal virtue. + +Girls are often tempted to retail their family affairs to some chosen +friend, from a love of confidential mysteries; the pleasure of being a +martyr leads not only to the communication of moving details of home life, +but frequently to their invention. A friend of mine adopted a niece, who +afterwards married and wrote from India asking her aunt to look through +and burn her old letters. My friend found touching pictures of home +tyranny in the letters from school friends and answers to similar +complaints, which the niece had evidently written about her own treatment +and since forgotten; possibly the home circles of the other girls would +have found the same difficulty that my friend did in recognizing +themselves: + + "Portrayed with sooty garb and features swarth." + +Equal with Honour, and before Tact, among the conditions of Friendship, I +would place Truth, for there can be no union without this for a basis. We +have touched already on the truth involved in what is called being +"faithful" to a friend, but there are many other kinds required. Passing +over the more obvious of these, I would draw attention to the subtler form +of untruth, involved in endowing your friend with imaginary gifts and +graces. + +Yet the more we know of a true friend, the more we find to reverence in +him, and the more ground for humility in ourselves: "Have a quick eye to +see" their virtues; nay, more, idealize those virtues as much as you will, +for this is a very different thing from endowing them with those they have +not; this is only learning to see with that divine insight essential to +the highest truth in friendship. "There is a perfect ideal," says Ruskin, +"to be wrought out of every human face around us," and so it is with our +friends' characters. + +And when we have found that ideal and true self, we must be loyal to +it--loyal to our friends against their lower selves as well as against +their detractors. Plutarch says, "The influence of a true friend is felt +in the help that he gives the noble part of nature; nothing that is weak +or poor meets with encouragement from him. While the flatterer fans every +spark of suspicion, envy, or grudge, he may be described in the verse of +Sophocles as 'sharing the love and not the hatred of the person he cares +for.'" Such a bit as that makes us forget the centuries which have rolled +between us and Plutarch; his temptations are ours--how much easier it is +to us to please our friends by sympathizing with their feelings, whether +that feeling be right or wrong! How much pleasanter it is to us to gratify +our selfish affection by giving them what they want, as Wentworth did King +Charles, than to brace them to endure hardness for the sake of others! + +We are so apt to give and to ask for weakening consolation. Sympathy in +the ordinary use of the term is more weakening than anything, and it is +pleasant to give and to take. + +But sympathy should be like bracing air: "no friendship is worth the name +which does not inspire new and stronger views of duty." We all care to be +sons of consolation,--let us see to it that we brace others instead of +giving mere pity. We all like to be pitied, but in our heart we are more +grateful to the friend who puts fresh spring into us, by what perhaps +seems hard common sense. Those are the friends whose memory comes back to +us when circumstances, or years, or distance, have drifted us far apart. + +The friend who fed the weaker part of us never gets from us the same +genuine affection with real stuff in it. How much easier it is to +sympathize with our friends' unreasonable vexation--to join in their +uncharitable speeches, or in laughing at something we ought not to laugh +at, than to brace them + + "to welcome each rebuff + That turns earth's smoothness rough, + each sting that bids nor sit nor stand, but go!" + +We find it very hard, almost impossible, to live always up to our own +best self, and we may be quite sure our friends do too, whether they talk +about it or not, and our duty, as a friend, is to see their best self and +help them to be it. Very often the mere fact of knowing that our friend +sees our nobler nature, and believes in it, heartens us to keep faith in +it and to go on striving after it. "Edward Irving unconsciously elevated +every man he talked with into the ideal man he ought to have been; and +went about the world making men noble by believing them to be so." + +It rests with each of us to draw out the better part in others; we all +know people with whom we are at our best, and we have failed in our Duty +to our Neighbour if we do not make others feel this with us. "Each soul is +in some other's presence quite discrowned;" let the reverse be true where +we are. + +It is a terrible thought that we have perhaps made others less noble, less +pure, less conscientious, than they would have been. We can never repair +the harm we do to one who loses faith in our goodness,--he inevitably +loses some part of his faith in goodness itself. "Much of our lives is +spent in marring our own influence," says George Eliot, "and turning +others' belief in us into a widely concluding unbelief, which they call +knowledge of the world, but which is really disappointment in you or me." + +Nobody, who has not watched or felt it, knows the laming of all spiritual +energy, the hardening, the blighting of all noble impulse which comes from +this sort of knowledge of the world; and who can say that he has never +(more or less) been thus guilty?--it is more truly blood-guiltiness than +anything else, for it helps to murder souls. + +Perhaps the greatest of the innumerable blessings which friendship confers +on the character, lies in this fostering of moral thoughtfulness produced +by its responsibilities: "I know not a more serious thing than the +responsibility incurred by all human affection. Only think of this: +whoever loves you is growing like you; neither you nor he can hinder it, +save at the cost of alienation. Oh, if you are grateful for but one +creature's love, rise to the height of so pure a blessing--drag them not +down by the very embrace with which they cling to you, but through their +gentleness ensure their consecration."[6] + +It needs a noble nature to be capable of friendship, or rather a nature +which has carefully trained itself by discipline and self-denial, so as to +develop all the possibilities of nobleness which were latent in it. + +God gives each of us a nature with "pulses of nobleness," and it rests +with us whether this shall grow, or be choked by the commonplace part of +us. To be noble does not come without trouble. Good things are hard, and +"noble growths are slow."[7] + +He who would be noble must go through life like Hercules and the old +heroes, working hard for others; not troubling about personal comfort and +amusement, but practised in going without when he _could_ have,--for the +sake of better things. + +To be noble means having your impulses under control, and this most +especially where your affections are concerned. + +Do you want to help others to go right in life? I need not ask, for every +generous nature would care to do that, even if she did not care much about +her own soul. + +Now, you will not do much by direct effort, but you will do an immense +deal by conquering your own besetting sin. In the "Hallowing of Work," +Bishop Paget says, "Increased skill and experience and ability are great +gifts in working for others, but they do not _compare_ with the power +gained by conquering one fault of our own." + +Friendship can be the most beautiful thing in the world: it can be the +silliest thing in the world. It can be the most lowering: it can be the +most ennobling. Nothing excites so much laughter and hard speaking in the +world as "schoolgirl friendships;" as often as not they are found among +older people, but schoolgirls have given a name to this particular kind of +folly, so it behooves schoolgirls to keep clear of it, and to deprive the +name of its point. + +But can you help being sentimental if you are made like that? Some are of +good wholesome stuff, with an innate distaste for everything of the kind, +while to some it is their besetting sin. + +You can at least take precautions; for instance, do not day-dream about +your friend,--brooding over the thought of her weakens your fibre more +than being with her. + +Make a rule of life for yourself about your intercourse; walk and talk +with her more than with others, but at the same time sandwich those walks +and talks by going with other friends,--it is a great pity to narrow your +circle of possible friends by being absorbed in one person. + +Do not write sentimental letters, and, finally, do not sit in your +friend's pocket and say "Darling." (If you wish to know how it sounds, +read "A Bad Habit," by Mrs. Ewing.) + +I must confess that I believe in what is so often jeered at as "kindred +souls." Love is not measured by time; often we are truer friends through +some half-hour's talk, in which we saw another's real self, than through +years of ordinary meeting. But this is so different from the folly I speak +of, that I need not dwell on it; except to say that you will be spared +many disappointments if you are content with the fact that such moments of +sympathy have been, and do not look to have a permanent friendship on that +basis. When people draw the veil aside for a minute they generally put it +back closer than ever, and do not like to be reminded of the +self-revelation. + +In the foolish friendships that make so much unhappiness, half the folly +lies in expecting the other person to be always at high-water mark, and in +being fretful and reproachful when she is not. + +But to return to "schoolgirl friendships." When you go out into society +you may perhaps want to make private jokes among your friends, or to talk +privately to them instead of helping in general conversation, and you may +feel "I have nothing much to contribute to the general stock; why +shouldn't I enjoy myself? it's very hard I should be so severely +criticized for bad manners if I do." But if you look into any such matter, +you are sure to find that bad manners are bad Christianity. There is a +want of self-restraint in this schoolgirlishness; and you ought not to be +able to pick out a pair of great friends in general society, not merely +because, if you could, it would show them to be absurd and underbred, but +because it would mean that others were made to feel "left out." Have you +ever had some violent friendship--or laughed at it in others--which meant +running in and out of each other's houses at all hours--being +inseparable--quoting your friend, till your brothers exclaimed at her very +name--and making all your family feel that they ranked nowhere in +comparison with her? In this matter of home and friends conflicting, I +quite see the point of view of some: "My family don't give me the sympathy +and help that my friend does--they always tease or scold if I come to them +in a difficulty, and yet they are vexed and jealous when I find a friend +who can and will help." + +I do not say, Cut yourself off from your friend,--she is sent by God to +help you; but, Remember to feel for your Mother;--see how natural and +loving her jealousy is, and spare it by constant tact--instead of being a +martyr, feel that it is _she_, and not _you_, who is ill-used. And in all +ways, never let outside affections interfere with home ones. It is the +great difference between them, that outside, self-chosen affections burn +all the stronger for repression and self-restraint; while home ones burn +stronger for each act of attention to them and expression of them; _e.g._ +postponing a visit to a friend for a walk with a brother will make both +loves stronger, and _vice versâ_,--and your friendship will last all the +longer because you consume your own smoke. Dr. Carpenter says that signs +of love wear out the feeling;--every now and then they strengthen it, but +their frequency shows weakness. Friendships are God-given ties when they +are real, but inseparable ones are mostly only follies;--anyhow, family +ties are the most God-given of all, and friendship should help us to +fulfil family claims better, instead of making us neglect them. The best +test of whether your love for an outside person is of the right kind, is, +does it make you pleasanter at home? Mr. Lowell mentions an epitaph in the +neighbourhood of Boston, which recorded the name and date of a wife and +mother, adding simply, "She was so pleasant." + +We realize that we ought to make the world better than we find it, but we +do not realize how much more we should succeed in doing so if we made it +brighter,--a task which is in everybody's power. We are all ready to bear +pain for others, but we overlook the little ways in which we might give +pleasure. "Always say a kind word if you can," says Helps, "if only that +it may come in perhaps with a singular opportuneness, entering some +mournful man's darkened room, like a beautiful firefly, whose happy +circumvolutions he cannot but watch, forgetting his many troubles." + +And there is one tiny little suggestion I would make to you, so small it +will not fit on to any of my larger headings. Do not make fun of your +friend's little mishaps, little stupidities, losing her luggage, having +said the wrong thing, or having a black on her face when she especially +wished to look well! Your remark may be witty, but it does not really +amuse the victim. I know it is very good for people to be chaffed, and I +do not wish them to lose this wholesome bracing. And yet we have a special +clinging to some tactful friends who never let us feel foolish. + +Another test you should apply to Friendship is, does it lead to idle +words? Every one likes talking about their neighbours, and dress, and +amusement, but we need to be careful that kindliness and nice-mindedness +are not sacrificed, and that all our interests are not on that level. Many +think that a woman's interest can rise no higher, and many girls and many +women give colour to what you and I think a slander on us! We all like +these things, but we all like higher things too, and we need to encourage +the higher part of us because it so soon dies away. You know better than I +do how much of your own talk may be silly chatter--or worse--flippant or +wrong talk, which you would stop if an older person were by. I have heard +High Schools strongly objected to because they made the girls so full of +gossip, about what this or that teacher said, or what some girl did, till +their people hated the very name of school. If school friends talk much +school gossip, they must weaken their minds and feel at a loss when out +of their school set. It is very "provincial" to have no conversation +except the small gossip which would bore a stranger, and yet I fear many +friends confine themselves to a kind of talk which unfits them for general +society. You prohibit "talking shop," by which you sometimes mean subjects +which are interesting to all intelligent people, and yet you talk +gossiping "shop" about the mere accidents of school life. But, unless you +interweave thoughtful interests and sensible topics of conversation with +your friendship, it cannot last. There must be the tie of a common higher +interest--it may be a common work, or intellectual sympathy, or, best of +all, oneness in the highest things--but without this a mere personal fancy +will not stand the monotony, much less the rubs and jars, of close +intimacy. A friendship, where the personal affection is the deepest +feeling, is not a deep love, or of a high kind;--we must in the widest +sense love "honour more." "Love is a primary affection in those who love +little: a secondary one in those who love much" (Coleridge). + +A stool must have three legs if it is to support you, and two friends want +a third interest to unite them, or the friendship will die away in +unreasonable claims and jealousies; since "claimativeness" is the evil +genius which haunts friendship, unless common sense and wholesome +interests are at hand to help. It is difficult, but necessary, to learn +that affection is not a matter of will, except in family ties; that our +friends love us in exact proportion as we appear to them lovable, that +"the less you claim, the more you will have," as the Duke of Wellington +said of authority. A very little humility would wonderfully lessen our +demands upon our friends' affections, and a very little wisdom would +preserve us from trying to win them by reproaches. How many coolnesses +would be avoided could we learn to see that friendship, like all other +relations of life, has more duties than rights. Nothing so certainly kills +love as reproaches; I do not believe any affection will stand it. Our hurt +feelings may seem to us tenderness and depth of feeling, but they are +selfish:--"fine feelings seldom result in fine conduct." If our love were +perfectly selfless, we should be glad of all pleasure for our friend; +failure in his allegiance to us would not change us, nothing would do that +except failure in his allegiance to his better self. We should love our +friends not for what they are to us, but for what they are in themselves. +Of course, it may be said that fickleness to us is a flaw in his better +self, but if we stop to think how many tiresome ways we probably have, we +shall be lenient to the friends who show consciousness of them. + +It is a natural instinct with all of us to claim love; those who seem +most richly blessed with it probably have some one from whom they desire +more than they receive; every one has to learn, sooner or later, that "an +unnavigable ocean washes between all human souls,"-- + + "We live together years and years, + And leave unsounded still + Each other's depths of hopes and fears, + Each other's depths of ill. + + "We live together day by day, + And some chance look or tone + Lights up with instantaneous ray + An inner world unknown." + +We all have to learn, sooner or later, that nothing less than Divine Love +can satisfy us, but because our natural longings are so often denied, some +say they are wrong and should be crushed out. It is wrong to give way to +them, to yield to the tendency which is so strong with some, to let all +their interests be personal,--to care for places and natural beauty and +subjects only because they are associated with people,--to let life be +dull to us unless our personal affections are in play. Women ought to make +it a point of conscience to learn to care for things impersonally. We are +too apt to be like Recha in "Nathan," when she only looked at the palm +trees because the Templar was standing under them; when her mind +recovered its balance, she could see the palm trees themselves. + + "Nun werd' ich auch die Palmen wieder sehen + Nicht ihn bloss untern Palmen." + +If God sends us the trial of loneliness, it may be that He has a special +work for us, which needs a long and lonely vigil beside our armour. He may +be depriving us of earthly comfort to draw us closer to Himself, that we +may learn from Him to be true Sons of Consolation. + +"When God cuts off the shoots of our own interests," it has been well +said, "it is that we may graft on our hearts the interests of others." + +Nothing but knowing what loneliness is can teach us to feel for it in +others. Nine-tenths of the world do suffer from it at some time or other; +you may not now, but you will some day; and, if you are spared it, +nine-tenths of the sorrows of life will be a sealed book to you. "I prayed +the Lord," says George Fox, "that he would baptize my heart into a sense +of the conditions and needs of all men." + +But our Lord, Who Himself suffered under the trial of loneliness, sends +all of us friends whom we do not deserve. We can trust to Him to give us +the friends we need, just when we need them, and just as long as we need +them, as surely as we trust Him for daily bread. He may be keeping His +best to the last; nay, the best may never come to us in this life at all; +but it is as true now as when St. Anselm said it, eight hundred years +ago:-- + +"In Thee desires which are deferred are not diminished, but rather +increased; no noble part, though unfulfilled on earth, is suffered to +perish in the soul which lives in Thee, but is deepened and hollowed out +by suffering and yearning and want, that it may become capable of a larger +fulfilment hereafter." + +The hunger of the heart is as natural, and therefore as much implanted by +God, as the hunger of the body. Neither must be gratified unlawfully; but +when God sends food to either we should accept it thankfully, without +either asceticism or greediness, and use the strength it gives us as a +means of service. Does not the essence of the wrong sort of love consist +in our looking on the affection we receive, or crave for, as a self-ending +pleasure, instead of as a gift which is only sent to us to make us +happier, and stronger to serve others? + +We do not need to be always self-questioning as to how far we are using +our happiness for others. We do not count our mouthfuls of food, we feed +our bodies without thinking of it, and so we should do to our hearts; but +we are often not healthy-minded enough to go right unconsciously, though +some happy souls there are-- + + "Glad hearts, without reproach or blot, + Who do God's work, and know it not." + +The Fall brings us under the curse; the tree of knowledge of good and +evil has entailed upon us the necessity of self-knowledge; and if we find +our hearts out of joint, and craving for more love than we get, we should +examine ourselves as to whether we use the love we do get, like the +runner's torch handed on from one to the other; whether the glow of our +happiness warms us to pass on light and heat to others, or whether we +absorb it all ourselves. + +And if we know that we are selfish in the matter,--what then? We cannot +make ourselves unselfish by a wish; we cannot win love at will. But, +though we cannot gain love, we can give it; we can learn to love so well, +that we are satisfied by the happiness of those we love, even though we +have nothing to do with that happiness. + +"How hard a thing it is to look into happiness with another man's eyes!" +but it can be done. People do sometimes live, "quenching their human +thirst in others' joys." + +Although our craving for sympathy is wrong if it be allowed to lame our +energies, yet in itself we cannot say it is wrong. "To become saints," +says F.W. Robertson, "we must not cease to be men and women. And if there +be any part of our nature which is essentially human, it is the craving +for sympathy. The Perfect One gave sympathy and wanted it. 'Could ye not +watch with Me one hour?' 'Will ye also go away?' Found it, surely, even +though His brethren believed not on Him; found it in St. John and Martha, +and Mary and Lazarus:"-- + + "David had his Jonathan, and Christ His John." + +Some people are quite conscious that they do not "get on" with others; and +they are tempted to be morbidly irritable and exacting, or else to shut +themselves up and say, "It's no use, no one wants me." If no one wants +you, it is your fault; for if you were always ready to be unselfish and +thoughtful for others in small ways, you would be wanted. You need not +fret because you are not amusing to talk to, and think that therefore you +cannot win affection. As a rule, people do not want you to talk; they want +you to listen. Now, any one can be a good listener, for that requires +moral, and not intellectual qualifications. Sympathy to guess somebody's +favourite subject, and to be really interested in it, will always make +that somebody think you pleasant; but the interest must be real: if you +only give it for what you can get, you will get nothing. + +The right person always is sent just when needed. I do not believe in +people missing each other--though it may very well be that we are not fit +to be trusted with the affection we should like, and that God knows we +should rest in it if we had it, and never turn to Him, and so He keeps it +from us till we are ready for it. The longer we live the more we are +struck by the apparent chance which threw us with the right people. + +There is a Turkish proverb which says, "Every only child has a sister +somewhere," and F.D. Maurice, in his beautiful paper on the "Faëry Queen," +declares his belief that all who are meant to be friends and to help each +other will find each other at the right time, just as Spenser's knights, +though wandering in trackless forests, always encountered each other when +help was wanted. + +And if all this is true of ordinary friendship--if it calls for so much +high principle and self-denial and prayer--what of love, "the perfection +of friendship"? It is usually either ignored or joked about. The jokes are +edged tools always in bad taste and often dangerous, but it is a pity the +subject should be ignored. When it becomes a personal question the girl is +sure to be too excited or irritable to take advice, so that there is +something to be said for that discussion of "love in the abstract," which +Sydney Smith overheard at a Scotch ball. It is surely better, in forming +her standard and opinion on this most important of all points, that a girl +should have the help of her mother and older friends. Girls do not go to +their mothers as they might, because they wait till they are sore and +conscious and resentful. Most girls would rather be married, and quite +right too,--in no other state of life will they find such thorough +discipline and chastening!--it is the only life which makes a true and +perfect woman. But if they wish it, let them not be so untidy, so fidgety, +so domineering, that no man in his senses would put up with them! And if +she be a "leisured girl" with no duty calling her from home (or very +possibly many duties calling her to remain at home), let her think, not +twice, but many times, before a wish for independence and Bohemianism +(which she translates into "Art") leads her into grooves of life where she +is very unlikely to meet the sort of man who can give her the home and the +surroundings to which she is accustomed. Harriet Byron's despair and +ecstasy about Sir Charles have passed away, but girls still dream of +heroes (not always so heroic as Sir Charles). Their dreams cannot fail to +be coloured by the novels they read and the poetry they dwell on; do they +always realize the responsibility of keeping good company? Read +love-stories, by all means, but let them be noble ones, such as show you, +Molly Gibson, Mary Colet, Romola, Di Vernon, Margaret Hale, Shirley, Anne +Elliot, The Angel in the House, The Gardener's Daughter, The Miller's +Daughter, Sweet Susan Winstanley, and Beatrice. It is impossible to dwell +on the mere passionate emotion of second-rate novels and sensuous poetry, +without wiping some possibility of nobleness out of your own life. Every +influence which you allow to pass through your mind colours it, but most +of all, those which appeal to your feelings. You take pains to strengthen +your minds, but you let your feelings come up as wheat or tares according +to chance; and yet the unruly wills and affections of women need more +discipline than their minds. + +Perhaps the individual girl feels commonplace and of small account. Why +should she restrain her love of fun, her Tomboyism, her tendency to +flirtation? She is no heroine! But, let her be as commonplace as possible, +she will represent Woman to the man who is in love with her, as surely as +Beatrice represented it to Dante. + +Every woman, married or single, alters the opinion of some man about +women. Even a careless man judges a girl in a way that she, with her head +full of nonsense, probably never dreams of;--he has a standard for her, +though he has none for himself. + +It is small wonder that chivalrous devotion should decrease when women lay +so little claim to it. Miss Edgeworth needed to decry sentimental and +high-flown feelings,--the Miss Edgeworth of to-day would need to uphold +romance. + +Women may still be "Queens of noble Nature's crowning," but they too +often find that crown irksome, and prefer to be hail-fellow-well-met, +taking and allowing liberties, which give small encouragement to men to be +like Susan Winstanley's lover. + +Dante never watched the young man and maiden of to-day accosting each +other, or he would not have said-- + + "If she salutes him, all his being o'er + Flows humbleness." + +I am afraid Dante would now be left "_sole_ sitting by the shores of old +Romance," unless indeed he went to some of the seniors, who are supposed +to have no feelings left! "If you want to marry a young heart, you must +look for it in an old body." + +Are you, then, to reject all suggestions of a sensible marriage with any +man who is not Prince Perfect? I once read a very sensible little poem +which described the heroine waiting year after year for Prince Perfect. He +came at last, but unfortunately "he sought perfection too," so nothing +came of it! Cromwell's rule in choosing his Ironsides is the safest in +choosing a husband: "Give me a man that hath principle--I know where to +have him." If he comes to you disguised as one of these somewhat +commonplace Ironsides, and recommended by your mother, consider how very +much the fairy Prince of your dreams would have to put up with in you, and +you will probably find it heavenly, as well as worldly wisdom, to "go +down on your knees and thank Heaven fasting for a good man's love." You +will tell me that many happy and useful lives are now open to women, and +that they need not be dependent on marriage for happiness,--and I shall +quite agree with you; you may go on to say that marriage can now be to a +woman a mere choice amongst many professions, a mere accident, as it is to +a man,--and there I shall totally disagree with you. It is quite possible +that Happiness may lie in the narrower, more self-willed work of the +single woman, but Blessedness, which is higher and more enduring than +happiness, can only be known to the married woman whose whole nature is +developed, and _fully_ known only to the "Queen of Marriage: a most +perfect wife." + +Are you, then, to spend your lives making nets, or, following Swift's wise +caution, even in making cages, waiting, like Lydia Languish, for a hero of +romance, and beguiling the interval with reading "The Delicate Distress," +and "The Mistakes of the Heart"? Not at all! The best way to prepare for +marriage is to prepare yourself to be like Bridget Elia, "an incomparable +old maid." + + "The soul, that goodness like to this adorns + Holdeth it not concealed; + But, from her first espousal to the frame, + Shows it, till death, revealed. + Obedient, sweet, and full of seemly shame, + She, in the primal age, + The person decks with beauty; moulding it + Fitly through every part. + In riper manhood, temperate, firm of heart, + With love replenished, and with courteous praise, + In loyal deeds alone she hath delight. + And, in her elder days, + For prudence and just largeness is she known; + Rejoicing with herself, + That wisdom in her staid discourse be shown. + Then, in life's fourth division, at the last + She weds with God again, + Contemplating the end she shall attain; + And looketh back, and blesseth the time past."--_Dante_. + +[Footnote 6: James Martineau.] + +[Footnote 7: Channing.] + + + + +A Good Time. + + +We sometimes hear people lamenting the dangers of this age as regards +unsettled views in religion, while others lament that girls neglect home +duties for outside work. + +I am not at all sure that our greatest danger does not lurk in that most +modern invention, "a good time," which, as a disturbing element, is +closely related to that other modern institution "week-ends." + +Fifteen or twenty years ago, a self-willed or self-indulgent girl escaped +from the monotony of home duties by the door which led into slums and +hospitals. Nowadays the same girl finds that duties can be evaded by the +simpler plan of staying at home and having "a good time." I do not think +this will last, any more than slumming, as a mere fashion, has lasted. I +hope not, for it means that girls have had very full liberty given to +them, and that their sense of responsibility has not yet grown in +proportion to their freedom. Just now, pending the growth of that sixth +sense, "a good time" is very easily to be had--at the cost of a little +want of consideration for others--since the elders of to-day are curiously +large-hearted in giving freely and asking very little in return. + +But it would be an ungenerous nature which took advantage of generosity, +and was content to take much and give little. + +Surely it is utterly ignoble that any living soul sent into the great +battle should ask to pick flowers, while every one worth their salt was +hard at work fighting the foe, protecting the weak, nursing the wounded. I +do not believe a girl would do it if she thought twice; every generous +instinct would cry out against it. But a girl may drift into a very +selfish pleasure-seeking life, and the tendency of the day is to regard +this as a defendable and lawful line of life. Duty will hold its own with +the morally thoughtful and with generous natures, but it is no longer an +unquestioned motto for every one as it used to be in Nelson's days. + +I have heard a girl rebel against her life, on the ground that she had a +right to a good time; youth was the time for pleasure, she would never +again have such a power of enjoyment, and it was absolutely criminal on +her parents' part not to provide her with more. I thought she already had +more than most; but in any case, I did not agree with her in saying that +she must enjoy now, or not at all. In case it should be any comfort to +those of you who may have a dull life, I can tell you that it is not so. I +am convinced we all have a certain power of enjoyment, and if you can get +your fill of pleasure in youth, you do not find as much keen enjoyment in +middle life as if you had been kept on a shorter allowance. It is true you +do not enjoy quite the same things--there are youthful amusements which +you can only enjoy at a certain stage; but take comfort, if you do not get +as much as you would like now, it will only mean keener enjoyment of the +pleasures of the next stage of life. + +But what struck me most was her fundamental assumption that Pleasure was a +valid object in life, and that she was sent into the world to get as much +as she could. + +If so, I think the world is a great Failure. I often hear people saying, +"I cannot believe in God, because of the Pain in the world;" and if this +world was the end of things, that would be reasonable; if Pleasure is the +object of Life, it would be better never to be born! But if we are sent +here to grow, then I cannot understand Pain being a reason for doubting +God's love. Looking back on life, I am sure each will feel, "I could not +afford to miss one of its shadows, no matter how black they were at the +time." And the fact that you and I each feel that the key of God's love +fits the lock of our individual life, should be one valid reason for +believing that all Life is ordered for a right and noble purpose; our +happy lives are as real a bit of Life, and as good a specimen of God's +government, as sad ones. + +People say to me, "Yes, I feel as you do about myself, but others have +such terrible shadows that I cannot feel God is good!" Well, some +sufferers tell me they would not change their life, for they feel God's +love in it: surely they have a right to speak. We learn from them that +Pain works rightly into life. + +What makes a woman's life worth living? That she has had this or that +pleasure--that she has riches or poverty--that she is married or lonely, +that she married the right man or the wrong? + +No! What matters is, whether she is growing more and more into tune with +the Infinite? Is she learning God's lesson, and fitting herself for the +still nobler life He wants to give her? + +You and I came into the world to do our part in a noble battle-- + + "'Twere worth a thousand years of strife, + 'Twere worth a wise man's best of life. + If he could lessen but by one + The countless ills beneath the sun." + +Besides, you will not find Pleasure-seeking pays in the long run! If you +are feeling that Pleasure with a big "P" is your due, then all the little +annoyances prick and irritate. If you pay heavily for a new dress which +hangs badly, it is trying; if you never expected a new dress at all, and +that same dress was unexpectedly given you, the drawback would be looked +at very differently. + +It would pay pleasure-seekers to try the old plan of looking on life as a +Duty, where pleasures came by accident or kindness, and were heartily and +gratefully enjoyed. Do you remember in the "Daisy Chain," how Ethel says, +after the picnic, that the big attempts at pleasure generally go wrong, +and that the true pleasures of life are the little unsought joys that come +in the natural course of things? Dr. May disliked hearing her so wise at +her age, but I think it must have been rather a comfort to Ethel to have +found it out. No thought of that kind damps your pleasure when the dance +or the picnic turn out a great success! And when they do not, it is nice +to feel there are other things in life. Every one knows how often +something goes wrong at a big pleasure; the right people are not there, or +your dress is not quite right; you are tired, or you say the wrong thing; +while, if you get much pleasure, a certain monotony is soon felt, and you +envy the vivid enjoyment of the girl who scarcely ever has a treat. + +It stands to reason, that if you are deliberately arranging to get +pleasure, and plenty of it, you cannot (from a purely pleasure point of +view) enjoy it as much as if your life consisted of duties, and your +pleasures came by the way. But there is a deeper reason why a life of +amusement fails to amuse. It is not only that we are so made that nearly +all our sensations of pleasure depend on novelty, the keenness wearing off +if a sensation is repeated. + +The reason lies in a fact which militates against the Pleasure-seeker's +foundation idea:--the fact that we are made for something else than +pleasure, failing which we remain unsatisfied. "There is in man a HIGHER +than Love of Happiness: he can do without Happiness, and instead thereof +find Blessedness." + +Here is the point I should like you to think clearly out for yourselves. +Fifty years ago, Carlyle taught this truth as with thunder from Sinai. Let +us imbue our minds with his passionate scorn for those who come into this +noble world to suck sweets,--to have "a good time." "Sartor Resartus," one +of the Battle-cries of Life, and "Past and Present," which has small mercy +for idlers and pleasure-seekers, are character-making books:-- + + "There went to the making of man + Time with a gift of tears, + Grief with a glass that ran," + +and there also go, to the making of man and woman, certain books. + +These may vary in each case and in generation. Tom Brown and Mr. Knowles' +"King Arthur" may not do for you what they did for me; "Sesame and +Lilies," "Past and Present," Emerson's "Twenty Essays" may be superseded, +though I can hardly believe it; but see to it that you find and read their +true successors, carry out Dr. Abbott's advice to his boys--to "read half +a dozen de-vulgarizing books before leaving school." + +Surely R.L. Stevenson should be on the list, for he speaks so splendidly +on Carlyle's great point that man was born for something better than +Happiness. He says, over and over again, "Happiness is not the reward that +mankind seeks. Happinesses are but his wayside campings; his soul is in +the journey; he was born for struggle, and only tastes his life in +effort." He sounds the same note as Marcus Aurelius, another of the +de-vulgarizing man-making books of the world. + +The message of all these men is, "Love not Pleasure; love God. This is the +EVERLASTING YEA, wherein who walks and works it is well with him." + +Surely, when we look into things and leave our hungry wishes on one side, +it seems clear to the best side of our nature that we are born, not with a +right to Pleasure, but with a right to opportunity for development on our +own highest lines. + +A pig has a right to pigs-wash--he has no higher capacity. You and I have +a capacity for courage and helpfulness and friendship with God. Our life +will be a success if these things are developed, and a failure if they are +not. This is the success we have a right to, but as likely as not it may +need Pain, not Pleasure, for its achievement; and in this case you and I +are born with a right to Pain, and we should be defrauded if any one saved +us from it. + +I know you want Happiness and pleasure, and I sympathize with you; but it +makes all the difference to your whole life if you go out into the world +like a vulture screaming for prey, or if you start out hoping, in the +first place, to be brave and helpful, and, only in the second place, ready +to take any pleasure as a good gift to be happy and grateful about. + +"How needlessly mean our life is; though we, by the depth of our living, +can deck it with more than regal splendour!"[8] + +Do you feel that this is very tall talk for quiet lives like yours and +mine? Yes, it is; but we need great ideals to live even small lives by. +Probably no one of us will ever get near living a noble life, but we can +make our lives of the same fibre as those of the heroes. We can live on +noble lines. + +How? + +I.--Let us _work for others_: which may mean no more than being the +useful one in the house and perhaps taking a Sunday-school class. + +II.--Let us live with noble people, _i.e._ read steadily books which keep +us in touch with larger minds--if you are constantly meeting clever people +that does instead, but if you lead quiet lives with not much to talk +about, except gossip and family events, then secure a daily talk with +people worth talking to. + +III.--Let us live part of each day with God. St. Christopher is the patron +saint of those who want to lead a noble, helpful life, and yet feel that +in them there lies no touch of saintliness, save it be some far-off touch +to know well they are not saints. + +You know his story: how he sought to serve the strongest, first the +Emperor, then the Devil, then the Crucified; how he went to an old hermit +and said, "I am no saint, I cannot pray, but teach me to work for the +Master;" and how at last he found that in his common work he attained to +the service of the Crucified. + +You and I are sent into the world to serve the strongest, and we know that +means the Crucified. + +What makes Life worth while, and increasingly worth while, every year you +live, is that He does not offer us Pleasure, though He gives it to most of +us in overflowing measure: He offers us a share in His work. Think of all +we owe to others, to all who love us--to all who make life easy to +us--and feel what a debt we owe. Think of the work He is doing--of the +work He died for. Think how He calls each one to His side to be His friend +and helper and fellow-soldier. Think of the possibility which belongs to +each one of us, of being one of His great army of those whose name is +Help. + +Let us thank Him for our Creation, in that such possibilities are before +us. Verily, Life is well worth living. + + "Go forth and bravely do your part, + O knights of the unshielded heart." + +[Footnote 8: Emerson.] + + +THE END. + + + + + + +WORKS BY L. H. M. SOULSBY + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS, 2s. 6d. net. + +(New and Enlarged Edition.) + +CONTENTS: Lines written on being told that a Lady was "Plain and +Commonplace"--The Virtuous Woman--Making Plans--Conversation--Aunt Rachel; +or, Old Maids' Children--"Get up, M. le Comte!"--A Friday Lesson--A Home +Art; or, Mothers and Daughters--_Esprit de Corps_--Rough Notes of a +Lesson--Holidays--Sunday--Friendship and Love--A Good Time. + +The Original Edition of this book is still on sale, 16mo, 1s. 6d. net. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR MOTHERS AND TEACHERS, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: The Religious Side of Secular Teaching--Home Education from 14 +to 17--Mothers and Day Schools--Teaching of History--etc. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS ON READING, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Suggestions on Reading--Romola--Charles Kingsley--"The Happy +Warrior"--Paracelsus--Dante--Pilgrim's Progress--etc. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS ON CHARACTER, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Happiness[A]--One Called Help[B]--Two Aspects of Education or +Self-Control and the Ideal Woman[B]--The Use of Leisure or Thoughts on +Education[B]--etc. + +[Footnote A: This is printed separately, price 3d. net.] + +[Footnote B: These are printed separately, price 4d. net each.] + +The four books as above are also issued bound in limp leather, gilt +edges, and can be obtained through any bookseller. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR INVALIDS, 2s. net. + +CONTENTS: "I do well to be Angry"--"Purring when you're pleased"--The Duty +of Eating--Nervous Irritability--The Shadow of the Future--The Fear of +Death--etc. + + +SUGGESTIONS ON PRAYER, 1s. net, or in Cloth, 1s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Difficulties in Prayer--Making a Prayer Book--Prayer is +Power--Self-Examination--Questions on the Ten Commandments. + + + SHORT PRAYERS, cloth limp, 16mo, 6d. net. + CHRIST AND HIS CROSS, 2s. net. + +Selections from Rutherford's Letters. + + +CHRISTIAN PERFECTION, 2s. net. + +By WILLIAM LAW, EDITED BY L.H.M. SOULSBY. + + +LONGMANS, GREEN, AND CO. + +LONDON, NEW YORK AND BOMBAY + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14679 *** diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..12f7555 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14679 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14679) diff --git a/old/14679-8.txt b/old/14679-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58402ae --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14679-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5096 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Stray Thoughts for Girls, by Lucy H. M. +Soulsby + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Stray Thoughts for Girls + +Author: Lucy H. M. Soulsby + +Release Date: January 13, 2005 [eBook #14679] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS*** + + +E-text prepared by Clare Boothby, Diane Monico, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS + +by + +L. H. M. SOULSBY + +"I sing the Obsolete" + +New and Enlarged Edition + +Longmans, Green, and Co. +39 Paternoster Row, +London New York and Bombay + +1903 + + + + + + + +DEDICATED TO + +GIRLS AT THE "AWKWARD AGE." + + + "An unlessoned girl, unschool'd, unpractis'd, + Happy in this, she is not yet so old + But she may learn." + + + + +PREFACE + + +What _is_ the awkward age? + +Certainly not any special number of years. It is most frequently found +between the ages of thirteen and twenty-seven, but some girls never go +through it, and some never emerge from it! + +I should be inclined to define it as the age during which girls are +asked--and cannot answer--varying forms of the question which so +embarrassed the Ugly Duckling: "Can you purr--can you lay eggs?" + +Most girls on growing up pass through an uncomfortable stage like this, in +which neither they nor their friends quite know what niche in life they +can best fill--sometimes, because of their own undisciplined characters; +sometimes, because the niche itself seems to be lacking. Whether this +stage be their misfortune or their fault, it is an unpleasant one--both +for themselves and for their friends. With much sympathy for both, I +dedicate these few suggestions to my known and unknown friends who are +passing through it. + + L. H. M. SOULSBY. + OXFORD, April 4, 1893. + + + + +PREFACE TO NEW EDITION + + +In bringing out a new edition, the book has been enlarged by adding papers +on "Making Plans," "Conversation," "Get up, M. le Comte!" "Sunday," and "A +good Time;" "Coming out" has been omitted, and "Friendship and Love" +somewhat altered. The present form has been adopted in order to make it +match the other volumes of "Stray Thoughts." + + L. H. M. SOULSBY. + BRONDESBURY, Nov. 23, 1903. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + LINES WRITTEN ON BEING TOLD THAT A LADY WAS "PLAIN AND COMMONPLACE" + + THE VIRTUOUS WOMAN + + MAKING PLANS + + CONVERSATION + + AUNT RACHEL; OR, OLD MAIDS' CHILDREN + + "GET UP, M. LE COMTE!" + + A FRIDAY LESSON + + A HOME ART; OR, MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS + + ESPRIT DE CORPS + + ROUGH NOTES OF A LESSON + + HOLIDAYS + + SUNDAY + + FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE + + A GOOD TIME + + + + +"The Sweet, Sweet Love of Daughter, + + "I have discovered a thing very little known, which is, that in + one's whole life one can never have more than a single mother. You + may think this obvious and (what you call) a trite observation.... + You are a green gosling! I was at the same age (very near) as wise + as you, and yet I never discovered this (with full evidence and + conviction, I mean) till it was too late."--_Gray's Letters_. + + +"of Sister, + + "The Blessing of my later years + Was with me when a Boy + She gave me eyes, she gave me ears, + And love, and thought, and joy." + Wordsworth. + + +"and of Wife." + + "The thousand still sweet joys of such + As hand in hand face earthly life." + M. Arnold. + + "I desired to make her my wife, knowing that she would be a + counsellor of good things, and a comfort in cares and grief. For + her conversation hath no bitterness; and to live with her hath no + sorrow, but mirth and joy."--_Wisdom of Solomon_. + + + + +LINES + +WRITTEN ON BEING TOLD THAT A LADY WAS "PLAIN AND COMMONPLACE." + + + You say that my love is plain, + But that I can never allow + When I look at the thought for others + That is written on her brow. + + The eyes are not fine, I own, + She has not a well-cut nose, + But a smile for others' pleasures + And a sigh for others' woes: + + Quick to perceive a want, + Quicker to set it right, + Quickest in overlooking + Injury, wrong, or slight. + + Nothing to say for herself, + That is the fault you find! + Hark to her words to the children, + Cheery and bright and kind. + + Hark to her words to the sick, + Look at her patient ways; + Every word she utters + Speaks to the speaker's praise. + + "Nothing to say for herself," + Yes! right, most right, you are, + But plenty to say for others, + And that is better by far. + + Purity, truth, and love, + Are they such common things? + If hers were a common nature, + Women would all have wings. + + Talent she may not have, + Beauty, nor wit, nor grace, + But, until she's among the angels, + She cannot be commonplace. + +Arthur Heathcote. + + + + +The Virtuous Woman. + +A FAREWELL BIBLE LESSON TO GIRLS ON LEAVING SCHOOL. + + "Wisdom ordereth all things strongly and sweetly."--WISDOM viii. 1 + (Vulg.). + + +It would be interesting to make a "Garden of Women" from the poets, +collecting the pictures of "Fair Women" they have drawn for us, but I want +to consider specially the ideal woman of that ancient poet Solomon, and to +see how far she can be translated into modern life. + +The subject ought to be considered by you who are leaving a school you +have loved and valued, and which you should commend to the world, by +showing that it has made you fit for home. Beaumaris School has a blank +shield for its arms, with the motto, "_Albam exorna_," "Adorn the white;" +you are all starting with white shields, and you _can_ adorn the white: it +is not only in Spenser that we find Britomarts. You are as much a band of +champions as were King Arthur's Knights; you have all the same enemy, have +made the same vows, and for a year have been in fellowship, learning and +practising the same lessons: can you help feeling that there is a +responsibility laid on you, to see that the world shall be the better +because of you? Be like Sir Galahad with his white shield on which "a +bloody cross" was signed, when he had fought and won. + +You know that I admire the old-fashioned type of woman--the womanly +woman,--and you will not suspect me of wishing you to start off "on some +adventure strange and new," but I do want you not to be content to lead a +commonplace life; you _must_, anyway, live your life: resolve that by +God's grace you will live it _nobly_. You cannot alter the outward form of +your life,--you will probably be surrounded by very commonplace household +duties, and worries, and jars,--but you can be like King Midas, whose +touch turned the most common things to gold. We have it in our power, as +Epictetus tells us, to be the gold on the garment of Life, and not the +mere stuff of which Fate weaves it. We can choose whether we will live a +king's life or a slave's: Marcus Aurelius on his throne was a king, for +nothing could conquer him; but Epictetus in chains was equally +unconquerable and equally a king. We all have the choice between the Crown +and the Muck Rake, and I think we sometimes turn to the straws and the +rubbish, not because they are fascinating to us, but because they seem +the only things open to us: we do not feel as if our lives had anything to +do with Crowns. If you think of your various homes from the point of view +of turning their "necessities to glorious gains," and as a field for +winning your spurs, I suspect you are each feeling that this is very "tall +talk" for such a commonplace home as yours. "All lives have an ideal +meaning as well as their prose translation;" but you feel perhaps that you +are sure to be swamped in little bothers and duties, and pleasures, and +dulness and stagnation, so that you will find it hard to see any ideal +meaning at all. This is not true, and to look on an ideal life as "tall +talk" is a snare of the Devil; and in these days of common sense and +higher education we need to guard against it, and to remember that "a +thing may be good enough for practical purposes, but not for ideal +purposes." "Ideal life" is not tall talk, but our plain duty, unless our +Lord was mocking us when He said, "Be ye perfect, as your Father in Heaven +is perfect." + +To know our ideal is one step towards attaining it. "So run, not as +uncertainly; so fight, not as one that beateth the air." Before taking +such a definite step in life as leaving school, it would be very +interesting to draw up a plan of what you would like your life to be, and +also of what you hope to make of the life apparently before you, which +may be very different from the life you would like. If you kept it, like +sealed orders, for five years, it would be interesting to see how your +views had changed, and how prayers had been answered in unexpected ways, +and it would also be a solemn warning to see, as we assuredly should, that +wilful prayers had been heard to our hurt. + +Bacon, when he made a new start as Solicitor-General, made a survey of his +life, past and future, his faults and blunders, his strong and weak +points, his hopes, the books he meant to read and to write, the friends he +wished to make. I am sure that thinking over our own lives as a whole +would strengthen and guide us. We rush into action and fight our best, but +we do not make a plan of the campaign, and thus much of our energy is +wasted by misdirected effort; and, in leaving a school-life of rule and +regularity, you will be much tempted to slip through the day without the +safeguard of a life of Rule; but, until you _are_ the saints you are +_called_ to be, you cannot afford to do without this help. We must +remember the warning of St. Francis de Sales against playing at being +angels before we are men and women. + +On the other hand, you will need to guard against the temptation to make +your rules unbending and inconsiderate, to follow your ideal, heedless of +the fact that you thereby become tiresome to your people. How often the +home people feel jealous of school, and say it has cut a girl off from her +home interests, that she comes back full of outside friendships and +interests and new principles. Of course she does; if not, what good would +school have done her? But she ought to feel how natural and how _loving_ +is this (often unexpressed) jealousy, and, by sympathetic tact, to avoid +rousing it, and not to be always thrusting school interests down home +throats. The duty of a life of rule at home is all the more complex +because home pleasures are duties too; if it was only a question of +self-denial it would be plain sailing, but your mother likes you to go +out, and your brothers want you, and if you refuse to enjoy yourself it +hurts them: if you even betray that you would rather be doing something +else, you spoil their pleasure, for a "martyr" to home duty is a most +depressing sight to gods and men. And the complexity lies in the fact that +you enjoy going, and conscience pricks you every now and then because you +never read, and you seem to go through the day in a slipshod way, with no +definite rule,--no daily cross-bearing, no self-restraint to give salt to +the day. At school you have a definite duty of self-improvement set before +you, and everything urges you to follow it. This remains a duty when you +go home, but it is very hard to reconcile it with the many things that +clash--not the least of these being our own laziness when the help of +external pressure is taken away. You have had intellectual advantages, and +you will be downright sinful if you fritter all your time away over +flowers and tennis, and never read because you do not like to be thought +unsociable: you are bound to improve your talents, but take it as your +motto, that _rules should be iron when they clash with our own wishes, and +wax when they clash with those of others_. + +Yet we must yield _sensibly_, and not allow our time to be needlessly +wasted--at all events, by brothers and sisters and friends. It is +different with a father or mother: they are only lent to us for a part of +our lives, and no memory of sensible, useful work will be to us the same +pleasure in after years as the thought of the time that passed more +pleasantly for a mother because we spent it in idle (!) talk, or the +knowledge that a father had enjoyed the feeling that we were always at +hand if he wanted us. A strong-minded woman might consider matters +differently, and feel that a language learnt, or a district visited, was +of more value, but we shall not be able to reason so when we see life in +the new light which death throws upon it; the little restrictions of home +life will then assume a very different aspect. + +Unless you are driven with an unusually loose rein, you will probably be +irked by having to be punctual, and to account for your letters and for +your goings and comings; but if you ever feel inclined to resent it, just +think what it will be when you are left free--free to be late because +there is no one to wait dinner for you, free to come and go as you will +because there is no one who cares whether you are tired or not; some of +these days you will give anything to be once more so "fettered." + +Higher education often makes girls feel it waste of time to write notes +for their mothers, and to settle the drawing-room flowers: they "must go +and read." Now, what mental result, what benefit to the world, will result +from an ordinary woman's reading, which can, in any way, be comparable to +the value of a woman who diffuses a home-atmosphere, and is always "at +leisure from herself"? You know that I care very much for your +reading--you will have plenty to do if you read all the books I have +begged you to study--but if it gave your mother pleasure for you to be at +the stupidest garden-party, I should think you were wasting your time +terribly if you spent it over a book instead. Some people think ordinary +society, and small talk, beneath them:--well! do not let the talk be +smaller than you can help, but remember Goulburn's warning, "Despise not +little crosses, for they have been to many a saved soul an excellent +discipline of humility." + +But to come at last to Solomon's ideal--what is our first impression of +her? Surely it is _strength_, and we probably feel her strong-minded, and +rather a "managing woman"--and, as a rule, these are not loved. I feel +that she wants some sorrow to humanize her--she would hardly be sorry for +less prosperous, less sensible people: the modern feeling of, "the pity of +it, Iago, the pity of it!" has never gone home to her; she is not like +Ruskin's "gentleman" who has tears always in his eyes, in spite of the +smile on his lips; she is not "quick to perceive the want" in the many +lives, which are empty or crippled, though, perhaps, seemingly prosperous: +things turn out well with her, and she deserves it, so the sight of her +would bring home a sense of undeservingness to the less fortunate; she +cannot speak so as to be "understanded of" them; she is not one of those +who have learnt that "_avoir beaucoup souffert c'est comme ceux qui savent +beaucoup de langues, avoir appris à tout comprendre, et à se fairs +comprendre de tous_." But the virtues Solomon describes need not result in +this type, which is antagonistic to us; extremes meet, and it is the +exaggeration of a very lovable type--the woman who gives you the feeling +of rest and protection and strong motherliness, who is as the shadow of a +great rock in a weary land. "The meekness and gentleness of Christ" is +translated by Matthew Arnold as the "sweet reasonableness," and this +makes a very lovable woman. Sweet unreasonableness makes a more _taking_ +one, but not a _keeping_ one. Butterfly women have more fascinating ways, +but Spring-time comes to an end--the day will come for all women when +others will come to them to be ministered to, to be rested and soothed and +raised. It is sad to watch many who have the faded pretty ways which once +was all that was required of them, and who, in middle life, cannot +understand why their belongings find them so inadequate! Long ago, Swift +warned girls against making nets instead of cages, but they have not all +learnt wisdom yet. And the main point is, not how you can get, or give, +most amusement, but how you can give most comfort; and no one goes to a +weak person for that. There are few things certain in life, but one of +these few is, that others will come to each one of us, in doubt, in +sorrow, in pain, in ignorance, and that, through negligence and ignorance +of ours, they may go away uncomforted, unhelped, untaught, and this, +though each one of us has it in her power to become, through God's grace, +one of those Queens of Consolation of whom Dante spoke. + +I think the Virtuous Woman ought to be on her guard against hardness: it +is her temptation, naturally, as it was that of the Elder Brother,--but +love and humility can make even strength lovable. And for those who are +in no danger of being too like the Virtuous Woman, but who are still +struggling out of a lower life, I am quite sure that weakness is the rock +ahead. It must be so for nearly all women: their feelings are keener and +sooner developed than those of men, and they are less trained in intellect +and self-control. Their chief value lies in intuition and impulse, and +their chief danger also. You will never be the "Virtuous Woman" if you are +self-indulgent in novels which dwell on feelings, in daydreams, in foolish +friendships, which only bring out the emotional side of your nature, +instead of strengthening you to do what is right, and widening your +sensible interests in life. There is but one certain protection against +this temptation, and we find it in Proverbs xxxi.; I mean, _industry at +home_. + +Industry is a leading feature of Solomon's ideal, and nothing but plenty +to do can possibly keep our minds fresh and sweet, and wholesome and +strong,--and hence, strengthening for others. Feeling is the only part of +a woman's nature which will develop of itself:--her mind will not grow +unless definitely cultivated, and no more will her conscience, but if she +leave the field fallow, weeds of foolish feelings and fancies spring up on +all sides. This is why it is your duty, when you leave, not to allow +yourself to be idle: not only because God expects you to bring your +sheaves with you at the Last Day, but because your field cannot stand +empty--if good grain is not there, weeds will be. And manual +work--gardening or housework--gives more fresh air to the mind than +anything else. If you ever, as _Punch_ expresses it, "find your doll +stuffed with sawdust," if life seems a disappointment, and you are a prey +to foolish fancies, and have lost your spring, then try being really tired +out in body by useful work, and see if you do not find it an effectual +tonic. Some say that these "mental measles" are a phase which the modern +girl must inevitably pass through: perhaps so, but I should be +disappointed if you went through them,--at all events, if you did so in +the hopelessly idiotic way that many do! I should be disappointed if, in +the future, you came and said, "I am in the dark, and Life is all a +tangle!" I do feel you ought to have learnt that "the light of Duty shines +on every day for all." "We always have as much light as we need, though +often not as much as we would like," and if you honestly want to do your +next duty, you will have light enough to do it by. Come to me, by all +means, if you like, and say, "I feel idle and good-for-nothing, and don't +particularly want to see my Duty!" but do not moan about Life being all +perplexity! It is always nobler to do your duty than to leave it undone: +make this principle your sheet-anchor, and spiritual feelings and light +will come some day, if God sees fit. It does not always do to apply +direct remedies to these "measles:" if your mind is out of gear, leave it +alone, and attack it through the body by industry. And industry _at home_ +is best; here was the true strength of the Virtuous Woman. The strength of +her modern descendant lies abroad: she is strong and admirable, she does +splendid work, but there is always a tinge of excitement to help one +through outside work. Things done among father and mother, brothers and +sisters, are either very peaceful or very flat, according as your feelings +are either wholesome or unwholesome--there is none of the pleasurable +excitement, generally more or less feverish, of working with friends we +love and admire; it is the difference between milk and wine. I do not +think wine wrong, but I think it is much better to cultivate a taste for +milk; you must watch yourselves, and not get to feel home things dull. +Some are so strong in home, so wrapped up in their own family, that +outsiders feel _de trop_, which of course is a fault on the other side. If +we have happy homes, it is a trust for the use of others; we can give a +home feeling to those who are less fortunate as they pass by us, like the +swallow flying through the lighted hall. Lonely people may gain a sense of +home from this large-heartedness in the happy, a feeling of rest and +repose, which is the very essence of the atmosphere I should like my +Virtuous Woman to shed around her; she must "do good by effluvia;" in her +home, "roof and fire are types only of a nobler light and shade--shade as +of the rock in a weary land, and light as of the Pharos in the stormy sea. +And wherever a true wife comes this home is always round her. The stars +only may be over her head, the glowworm in the night-cold grass may be the +only fire at her foot: yet home is wherever she is; and for a noble woman +it stretches far around her, better than ceiled with cedar or painted with +vermilion, shedding its quiet light far for those who else were homeless." + +Let us now consider the Virtuous Woman verse by verse. Solomon is +describing a rich woman with an "establishment," a sphere and husband and +children, as if a woman's life was not complete without this. And no more +it is; it may be very useful and very beautiful, but it is not complete. +Girls are often blamed for thinking too much about marriage: I think they +do not do it enough,--at least in the right way; you are not fit to be +wives now, and you should aim at becoming so, and to do that, you must be +fit to manage your house and to teach your children; if you fit yourselves +to be perfect wives, you will at least be very perfect old maids, and find +plenty to do for other people's children! But your life would then be +incomplete. St. Paul is misquoted when his words in Cor. vii. 34 are used +to condemn marriage; our Lord puts it before all other earthly ties, and +it is used as a type of His love for His Church, which should guard us +from two errors in connection with it. If married love is to be a type, +however faint, of Christ's love for His Church, there must be no +unworthiness connected with it; "no inner baseness we would hide;" no +marrying for the sake of being married, for the dignity and position, or +the worldly advantages it may bring; and there must be no matchmaking or +flirtation that a woman need be ashamed of afterwards. "Let the wife see +that she reverence her husband," says St. Paul, and the husband must be +able to reverence her. And there must be no selfishness, no getting +entangled in engagements that must bring trouble on others; to marry _for_ +money is degrading, but a woman may redeem it by being a good wife; to +marry _without_ money means debt, which is irretrievably degrading, and is +altogether selfish instead of romantic. + +But, married or single, rich or poor, Solomon's Virtuous Woman gives us +principles to go on. + +"_The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her_." Is not +trustworthiness a main point in those we respect? Do we not require our +Virtuous Woman to be reliable, not to repeat what we say to her, not to +forget her promises, in short, that we know "where to have her"? + +"_She will do him good and not evil all the days of his life_." It would +distinctly do him evil if she did his work for him! This is a great +temptation of capable people; it is so much easier to do a thing yourself +than to see others bungling over it; but remember, that _not to do other +people's duties is as much a duty as it is to do your own_. Unselfish +people are often selfish in the harm they do husbands, and brothers, and +sisters, and unconscionable friends, by doing their duties for them. You +recognize that you yourself are on a downward path when you leave duties +undone. You have no right to help any one else to tread that path. It is +much pleasanter to spoil your brothers than to make them take their fair +share of family burdens; it is much pleasanter to be popular,--but if your +brother grows up selfish, three-fourths of the sin will be on your head. +You will have to be very careful to convince him that you are not selfish +by sacrificing yourself on every occasion when it is not bad for him, but +if you are to do him good and not evil all the days of his life, you must +remember that you are your brother's keeper in this matter. + +"_She worketh willingly with her hands_." The idea is going out that, to +be like a lady, you must sit with your hands before you. I heard of a +village tea the other day where a curate's maid-of-all-work was boasting +that her mistress was a real lady who could not do a thing! "Dear! how +strange," said an old servant; "my first mistress taught me, with her own +hands, all the house-work I know." "Ah! she couldn't have been a _real_ +lady," said the other. "Perhaps not," said the old woman reflectively; "I +can't tell, but I know she was an Earl's daughter." If you knew anything +of Colonial life in old uncivilized days, you would know how invariably it +turned out that those settlers were nobody at home who talked there about +what they were "accustomed to," and how they could not do this or +that,--while the real ladies laughed and buckled to. I do not believe in a +woman being thoroughbred if she cannot do what comes to her to do; she may +have little bodily strength, but if she is of the right sort, spirit +carries her through, just as you often find uneducated people, unnerved by +pain or fright, crying and pitying themselves: a real lady has nerve for +it all, though she is ten times more sensitive, and, till the occasion +arises, she may lie on the sofa all day, and believe herself quite unable +to do a thing! + +People sometimes seem to think it the mark of a sensitive, high-bred, +refined nature to be unable to conquer fads, and fancies, and fears. You +hear them say, with an air of modest pride, "I _can't_ eat this or that;" +"I _can't_ touch spiders:" very likely they suffer if they do, and I do +not see that they need be always forcing themselves to do it, but they +should feel the power to do it _if need be_; if you are not master of +yourself, there is bad blood about you somewhere; _noblesse oblige_ +applies preeminently to such things. + +And I think _noblesse oblige_ ought to teach us another lesson in this +matter of work. So many often say, or feel, "It's not my duty to do this +or that; why should I? it's just as much _her_ business,--why shouldn't +_she_ do the dirty work?" The true lady says, "_Somebody_ must do the +dirty work, and why not I as well as another?" And so she worketh +willingly with her hands; for "common household service" is + + "The wageless work of Paradise." + +"_She bringeth her food from afar_." She is foreseeing and businesslike: +she is not obliged to get inferior articles because she is driven at the +last moment and cannot send to the best shop; she is never unable to match +her dress because she has not thought about new gloves till the very +afternoon that she wants them; she does not forget till half-past six that +dinner has not been ordered, and then, in despair, order in ready-cooked +things from a shop. + +"_She riseth while it is yet night_." Early rising is a great trial to +some, but I think those who are conscientious often make a mistake between +sloth and conscientious care of health: and the Virtuous Woman should be +very careful of her health. Some girls think it fine not to be; they say, +"Oh, well, I shall only die the sooner! Better to wear out than rust out!" +and they feel--and so do some of their friends--that they are very noble +characters, and accordingly these tragedy queens stalk picturesquely +through wet grass when they could quite well keep on the gravel. I hope +none of you will develop into tragic heroines. I have no patience when I +see girls with perfectly prosperous lives inventing tragedies for +themselves. They have no right "to take in vain the sacred name of grief." +If there is nothing else to romance about, they fall back on being +"misunderstood," which generally means that their mother understands them +a great deal too well to please them. I dare say you will not see this in +yourselves or in your friends, but it will strike you very much in your +acquaintances, and you will, in time, recognize your own share of human +nature, for we all do, undoubtedly, enjoy being sorry for ourselves, +though I suspect life is much happier for all of us than we deserve. + +But to return to the question of health. If you could go out like the +flame of a candle, well and good! the world would probably be well rid of +you if you were going through life tragically, longing for death, but you +will not "wear out" in consequence of carelessness about wet feet and want +of sleep, and over-fatigue, and fancifulness about eating. These things +destroy, not your life, but your nerves and temper, and all that makes +your life a comfort to others; "wearing out" yourself means that you will +wear out others, and require from them much time and nursing and good +temper. + +Now, sleep is a most important consideration in such a nervous generation +as ours: every woman ought to have eight hours' sleep, and more if she +needs it, but she should not wake up and then go to sleep again; that +second sleep, which is so pleasant, is the sleep of the sluggard. I would +like to give her "a chamber deaf to noise and blind to light," and never +let her be woke, but she should get up the moment she wakes of her own +accord, or, at most, spend ten minutes in the process of waking. + +"_She planteth a vineyard_." I should like my Virtuous Woman to be fond of +gardening, and at all events read in Bacon's Essays how God Almighty first +planted a garden. + +"_She strengthened her arms_." This verse makes us fancy the Virtuous +Woman as being unpleasingly strong, but we should guard against being +purposely weak, with an idea of its being pleasing; Thackeray's Amelia is +hardly a good model, and Patient Grizzel did her husband an infinity of +harm! + +"_Her candle goeth not out by night_." But the Virtuous Woman must be +self-denying in the matter of sitting up, now that modern life makes so +many more demands upon her brain. You know it is self-indulgence when you +sit up late; you were not bound to be so sociable as all that; you only +hinder yourself and others from proper time for prayer and sleep; if you +made a move after a reasonable amount of talk, the others would be +sensible too. And so you repent and force yourself to get up very +punctually the next morning, not seeing that this is on the principle that +two wrongs make a right. It is your duty to get up in good time, but it is +also a duty to get sufficient sleep. I know you have a more comfortable +feeling when you have punished yourself,--you feel that you took the +self-indulgence and you want to pay for it. This sounds fair and honest, +but it is not, because you pay for it with the health and strength that +God gave you to use for Him. Instead of the satisfactory scourge and hair +shirt of rising betimes next morning, try the more commonplace penance of +going to bed in proper time the next night, without any dawdling. So many +girls do things in a dreamy, dawdling way, that must be a sore trial to +those about them: if a thing has to be done, you should do it in a quick, +purpose-like way, and not waste your own time and other people's temper. A +girl will placidly tell you, "I'm always slow, it's my way," never +realizing that "ways" may be very objectionable. We think it dishonest in +workmen that there should be a difference between a man who works by time +and one who works by the piece: you blame the workman who spends twice as +much of his master's time as he need, but, when you dawdle, you spend +_your_ Master's time: getting through with things quickly and "deedily" is +a matter of habit, and the Virtuous Woman practises it in everything she +does. + +"_Her hands hold the distaff_." The Virtuous Woman will not be satisfied +until she knows how to make a dress and do plain work; not that, having +acquired the knowledge, she will necessarily use it, for a woman with +brains and education can employ her time to more purpose, and can give +employment to poorer women at her gate, by putting out her work. It is +burying her talent in the ground if she employs, in making her children's +frocks, the time which should be spent in cultivating her mind, so as to +be fit to educate them when they are older. + +"_She stretcheth out her hand to the poor_." The "classes" are poor and +needy, as well as the "masses:" read Mozley's "University Sermon" on "Our +Duty to our Equals," and learn to see that they also need a stretched-out +hand. We may be very kind in our district; are we as kind to social +bores? We may be very energetic in school feasts; are we as careful to +provide amusements of other kinds for people who, in rank or brains, are +slightly our inferiors? + +"_She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household +are clothed with scarlet_" (marg., double garments). She looks after the +health of other people as well as her own; she does not keep her maid +sitting up night after night, or overwork her dressmaker. She is as +considerate for the flyman waiting for her on a rainy night as she would +be for her father's coachman and horses, remembering that the flyman is +quite as liable to catch cold as the coachman, and has fewer facilities +for curing himself. + +"_Her clothing is silk and purple_." She dresses suitably, richly if +occasion demand it, but never showily. If she has to walk as a rule, she +will not buy dresses that look fit only for a carriage: she will not wear, +in church, a brilliant dress that would be suitable at a flower-show. + +"_Her husband is known in the gates_." There was doubtless a great +difference among the husbands at the gate, and I feel sure that this one +took a specially large and public-spirited view of the business there +discussed. The Virtuous Woman would not usurp his office, just because she +had the power of speaking well,--she would remember the Russian proverb, +"The Master is the Head of the House, while the Mistress is its Soul," +and she would be a very high-souled mistress, and care greatly that her +master should not only be a good husband and a father, but should also +serve his generation as a good citizen and a true patriot. When the public +good demanded sacrifices, she would not drag him back by insisting on his +duty to his family, nor would she persuade him to rob the public stores, +or time, by taking little perquisites or shortening his office hours. She +would feel with De Tocqueville, who says, "A hundred times I have seen +weak men show real public virtue, because they had by their sides women +who supported them--not by advice as to particulars, but by fortifying +their feelings of duty, and by directing their ambition. More frequently, +I must confess, I have observed the domestic influence gradually +transforming a man, naturally generous, noble, and unselfish, into a +cowardly, commonplace, place-hunting, self-seeker, thinking of public +business only as the means of making himself comfortable; and this simply +by daily contact with a well-conducted woman, a faithful wife, an +excellent mother, but from whose mind the grand notion of public duty was +entirely absent." + +The husband of "a superior woman" is usually much to be pitied, but surely +the reason is that the woman is not superior enough. She has capabilities +and knowledge, and has learnt to value them, and is right in so doing, +but she has not learnt the next page of Life's Lesson Book, which is, the +relative insignificance of her own acquirements, and the value of the +qualities she has not got,--qualities which her husband very likely +possesses, only he has not the feminine power of expression. How often a +woman's seeming superiority lies in this gift of words, which, as George +Eliot says, is in her, "often a fatal aptitude for expressing what she +neither believes nor feels." The man often silently knows, and _lives_, +the noble sentiment, which the woman fluently utters, imagining herself to +be its discoverer and prophet. Another point to remember in this matter is +that women are apt to overvalue intellect, perhaps because it is only +during the last few years that intellectual advantages have been within +their reach. Sydney Smith looked forward hopefully to a day when French +would be a common accomplishment, and women would be no more vain of +possessing it than of having two arms and legs! Perhaps when, not only +French, but still higher education becomes more generally diffused, we may +learn the proportions, and realize that, though intellect is a good gift, +many others are to be preferred before it. The more we know, the wider our +horizon grows, and the smaller we ourselves seem relatively to the wider +expanse around us. "Man's first word is, No: his second, Yes: and his +third is, No, again." We start with ignorance and are necessarily humble, +in a negative way: then comes the schoolroom, when we prize highly the +knowledge so laboriously acquired; and then comes the schoolroom of life, +which sends us back again to humility, though of a larger and nobler kind. + +(The tendency of the day is to overvalue education, rather than the +reverse, so I need not dwell on the necessity laid upon the modern +Virtuous Woman, of developing her intellect, more than Solomon required +from his ideal.) + +"_She maketh fine linen and selleth it_." She is reliable and punctual, +and clear in business arrangements. How much charitable work of the +present day requires good arithmetic and a clear business head! She will +not miss her train, and she will write a clear legible hand, especially +when names and addresses are concerned. A good handwriting is a matter of +patience and self-discipline, and a truly unselfish person would force +herself to acquire it, because she can thereby, in small ways, be of so +much use and comfort to others. + +"_She shall rejoice in time to come_." She is not likely to do this, +unless she learns to rejoice in the present also. Rejoicing is a habit +like most other virtues, and if we fail in this, it is probably ourselves +and not our circumstances that need to be changed. "The aids to +_happiness_ are all within," and the Virtuous Woman will take life bravely +and cheerfully, like the heroes of old, and will think it a poor thing to +pity herself and to go about with a long face. She + + "Welcomes and makes hers + Whate'er of good though small the present brings-- + Kind greetings, sunshine, song of birds, and flowers, + With a child's pure delight in little things; + And of the griefs unborn will rest secure, + Knowing that mercy ever will endure." + +"_She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of +kindness_." Perhaps few things have done so much harm in the world as +sympathy! Are we not all conscious of having perpetually allowed the +kindness of our tongue to be divorced from wisdom, so that our +affectionate sympathy has weakened our friend and done more harm than +good? It is so much pleasanter to both when we join in her discontent or +irritation, instead of being to her a second and a better self, aiding her +to see things wisely, as she would see them when she grew calmer. "A +book," said Dr. Johnson, "should teach us either to enjoy life, or to +endure it," and so should a friend. + +"_The law of kindness_." It may seem a small thing that the Virtuous Woman +should never lose an opportunity of saying a kind word, but, if we all did +this, the world would be revolutionized; how it lowers our moral +temperature when some needless criticism is made, or some disparaging +remark is repeated to us! The Virtuous Woman would set herself to be a +non-conductor of these "stings and arrows," while, in "a voice ever soft, +gentle, and low," she would pass on to us the pleasant things our friends +say, which make us feel "on the sunny side of the wall." What was said of +St. Theresa will be true of her--"it came to be understood that absent +persons were safe where she was. It would be hard to exaggerate the power +of influence for good which the confidence she had thus won must have +given her. Her nobility felt the treachery which always lies in +detraction, the kind of advantage taken, as it were, of the +unprotectedness of the absent." + +Some separate wisdom and kindness in another way; they are so anxious to +help others that they stretch a point of conscience, and persist in a +forbidden friendship, in order to help the friend. Now you may be unjustly +treated in being told to give up your friend, and you may feel, and +rightly, that it is very cruel to him or her. Perhaps so, but your want of +principle, in being disobedient or deceitful, must harm your friend +infinitely more than any amount of your good advice can do her good. +_Acting on principle always helps others_: it is the most catching thing +in the world, whereas our words and our personal influence do not help +them one bit, unless God is speaking through us, and making us His +instruments, which He will not do if we are behaving wrongly. + +"_She looketh well to the ways of her household_." She gives her servants +full work, and insists on its being done, at the right time and in the +right way, but she is careful never to overwork them, and to remember that +servants have rights and feelings; she is not only kind, but +_considerate_, which involves far more sympathy and thought. + +"_She eateth not the bread of idleness_." But she never does her servants' +work, or spoils them. Of course, if she is very poor, and has few +servants, she will lend a helping hand, but she will be wise in her +industry, and understand that riches are a call, not to idleness, but to +another kind of work--overseeing and directing, but not doing. "One good +head is worth a hundred good hands," but the head must know how things +should be done, and therefore the Virtuous Woman will make it a point of +conscience to know how to cook, and equally a point of conscience not to +do it, if she has servants who ought to see to it. + +"_Her children shall rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and +he praiseth her_." My Virtuous Woman may never marry, but she will be a +mother in Israel in spite of that. Every woman finds scope for +motherliness if it is in her; one way or another she will find children +looking to her for love and help, and she must fit herself to educate +those children, for this is a woman's main duty in life; she should never +be satisfied till she has earned a right to the compliment which Steele +paid his wife--that "to know her was a liberal education," until + + "Men at her side + Grow nobler, girls purer, and, through the whole town, + The children are gladder that pull at her gown." + +"_A woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised_." I may seem to +have made my last words to you consist of merely worldly-wise counsels, +and to have left out of sight "the one thing needful," but in many other +Scripture lessons we have spoken of that Prayer, and Bible reading, that +"going in the strength of the Lord God," which is the only source of +strength for man or woman. + +I have tried to give a few practical counsels for everyday life, +believing, as I do firmly, that the best part of this world's wisdom is +really one with Christianity, and that the fruits of dutifulness, common +sense, and kindliness, cannot be produced unless there is the root of real +religion. Solomon takes that root for granted, only at the close reminding +us of its necessity; and, in picturing our ideal woman, I am sure we all +see her with + + "A brow serene + Speaking calm hope and trust within her, whence + Welleth a noiseless spring of patience, + That keepeth all her life so fresh, so green + And full of holiness, that every look, + The greatness of her woman's soul revealing, + Unto me bringeth blessing, and a feeling + As when I read in God's own Holy Book." + + + + +Making Plans. + + +_Holidays_.--This is the time to show if school has done you any good. + +At school you are reminded constantly of Prayer, hard work, tidiness, +regularity, self-control: you are practised in these things, and the great +underlying principles of life are brought before you so that not one of +you has any excuse for being careless and unconscientious in the holidays. +Also you are most of you communicants, and you know that it is impossible +to be a communicant and to "let yourself go" in these ways. + +You have duties in the holidays as well as in school time. It is wrong to +spend two months in self-indulgence without any self-discipline. You must +open your eyes to your duties,--practising, sensible reading, tidiness, +and daily unselfishness. + +It may be no one's business to remind you in the holidays, and your mother +may let you alone a good deal, from wishing you to have "a good time;" but +you alter very considerably during two months, and it is your part to see +that you alter for the better. + +Two months means two Communions with definite resolves, two definite +upward stages in life. If you let yourself go till you get back to the +crutches of school, you will have gone two very definite stages downhill. + +Some of you are tidy here, but at home your temptation is to plaster some +neatly folded garment or sash over the recesses of an untidy drawer, or to +use anything that comes to hand, any racquet, or croquet-mallet, or +oil-can, or thimble; your own cannot be found--you take the nearest and +then leave that also lying about. + +Do you think these things do not matter? You would think it mattered very +much if you grew up an unreliable, unconscientious woman, and yet, I do +not know in what lesson-book you can learn to be thorough and reliable and +conscientious, except in the daily lesson-book of these trifles. + +You each know that daily practise is a duty, if your mother wishes you to +learn music. A daily duty neglected, or a daily duty done, means a very +considerable difference in the person by the end of two months. + +There are one or two further points in your holiday and grown-up life +which I should like to talk about to-day. + +_Visits_.--Enrich your life with them, instead of letting them be times +when you slip back morally. Take your conscience with you (but do not wear +it outside), and be very careful to keep your rules, your prayers, your +home standard of right and wrong, your quietness and self-control. Do not +"let yourself go," and do silly things for fun. A great many leave their +sense of responsibility at home, whereas our visits are part of the +regular course of that life for which God will judge us. And keep your +mind open, get new ideas, read the books in the house, instead of taking a +store with you. + +Next consider your duty in the choice of people you live with. First, +there are your relations. You say you cannot choose these; no, but you can +choose which side of them you will draw out. Every one is a magnet; some +attract the worried, irritable side of other people, some the serene, +pleasant side. If you try to see the bright side of things and to agree +instead of differing, and if you say nice things about people when they +are out of the room, your family circle will show themselves very +different from what they might be if you were a magnet for unpleasantness! + +Secondly, there are your friends. Do not let one person monopolize you, or +you her; do not have friends given to secrets, and do not let any one trap +you into a promise not to tell. If her secret is all right, she cannot +object to your telling your mother, and if it is silly you had better be +clear of it. And do not forget that nice people do not deal in secrets, +they keep their family affairs to themselves. It is the Rosa Matildas at +"Young Ladies' Academies" who have secrets in a corner. + +Thirdly, choose your book friends carefully. You live with people in +books, so have a conscience about your choice in this just as much as with +living friends. Some books are bad for any one; a great many more would do +harm to you, but perhaps not touch an older person. When I was your age, +many an argumentative book (which seems thin and empty to me now) might +have upset my faith. Many an exciting, passionate book (which I now read +with a calm and critical mind) would have filled my whole heart and soul! +Be thankful if you are kept under direction about books; but if you are +not, use common sense and conscience. Manage yourself sensibly, and since +you know that you are in a very mouldable, impressionable stage, it stands +to reason that you had better steadily read classics now, to form and +strengthen your mind. + +When a girl reads sentimental and passionate poetry, neglecting Scott, +Milton, and Wordsworth, I call it the same sort of wrong mismanaging of +herself as if she ruined her digestion with a greedy love of pastry. +Poetry and pastry are often the same sort of weak self-indulgence. + +I do not say read _no_ novels that are exciting and romantic, or even that +are silly, but I do say, sandwich them. Face the fact that a silly or +passionate novel is likely to have great power over you at this stage, and +therefore read very few of them, and read many of Scott, Thackeray, +Dickens, Miss Austen, and Mrs. Gaskell. + +Do not read society novels that make you live with flippant, irreverent, +or coarse people, or those who take sin lightly. + +It is not right for a girl to live with people in books who would not be +good friends for her in life, and she ought to make a conscience of not +doing it, even though there may be no definite bad scenes in the book to +shock her. + +Books should give you nice ideas. You have got the making of your own mind +and character in your own hands, and you are responsible for the books on +which you choose to feed yourself, for each one of them alters you for +good or bad. Your book list is a very good help to self-examination. + +There is a great deal to think about and to settle for yourself when you +begin life, but there are three points of goodness binding on every one. +One is, giving time to God. A girl must stick to her prayers and go to +Church on Sunday whether other people do or not. Sunday varies in +different households, and I think each girl is bound by her parents' +standard in the matter as long as she lives at home; when she marries she +should think the matter over and have her own standard. But the root of +Sunday-keeping lies in the fact that she must feed the Sunday side of her +or it will die; and she should go to Church, once at least, to show her +colours. As to how much she feeds that Sunday side, or when,--that varies +with the household, only she should resolve on something and stick to it. +You need not be disobliging, since you can always make time by denying +yourself. + +Secondly, have a standard in talk. You cannot tell your elders when you +think them wrong, but you should not join in, when your contemporaries say +what you think wrong. Speak out then, or at least be silent and +unresponsive. + +Thirdly, do something for other people, some steady kindness which you do +not give up just to suit your own convenience. + +Now, what plan of life should you have? You must have a plan and +resolution, for if you drift you are almost certain to drift _down_ and +not up. + +Yet you are quite rightly looking forward to a time of freedom. But +freedom means being able to command yourself, it does not mean being free +to drift without a helm. + +Also you will be under control to a certain extent. Very likely you will +sometimes resent control or reproof at home more than you would resent it +from an outsider! But you are a stage nearer that sad freedom of later +life when it is nobody's business to look after you, and you have now got +to learn how to use wisely that fuller freedom of later life. + +I hope you have been learning at school to use the comparative freedom of +"being out." I hope that, with both men and girls, you will remember what +I tell you here about not being silly and uncontrolled, or loud and +boisterous. The actual school rules pass away, but there is not one of +them that is not founded on some principle that I hope you will carry with +you and live by. + +The books, the music, the pictures in which you are interested here are +not mere lessons to be shut up joyfully when you leave! They are the great +interests and amusements of the friends whom you most value, and it would +be very disappointing if you did not use your free time in making +opportunities to carry them on better than at school, for you come here +mainly to find out what interesting things there are in the world you are +going into. + +But to go to practical details. Take a girl who wants to be good and +dutiful and useful, to be a comfort at home, to keep her brain in good +working order, and to enjoy herself: what should she resolve upon if she +is to be of use in the world and not drift idly along? She must think it +out for herself, and no longer wait for orders. She must put the salt of +self-denial and effort into every day, of her own accord, and not feel +absolved because her mother has not given any special orders. You are +responsible for your own life, and it is horribly easy to slide into a +slack, pleasure-seeking life which will eat all the good out of you. + +You must not fill the day with rules and employments so that people feel +you always engaged, yet, though you must seem disengaged, you must have a +real purpose underneath. You must be free to idle about after breakfast +while your mother or the visitors are settling the day's employments, and +yet you should aim at always having something to show for your morning, + + "Something accomplished, something done." + +It is more difficult to live an ordinary idle life well than a +hard-working one, because it rests entirely with you whether you put any +salt into your day, and because it is your duty to do much as other people +do, while at the same time, underneath, you must keep to your standard of +Right and Wrong. + +But, suppose a girl wants to arrange her own individual life on the best +possible lines. Had you better make your plan, and begin at once? + +There is great danger, if you wait, that your good resolutions will die +away, and you will never begin. And yet, when you first leave, you want a +little time to feel quite free, and your people like to feel you are quite +free to enjoy yourself. + +There is a great deal to be said for beginning at once, but I am not sure +about it! + +If you feel that you will _never_ begin good ways unless you do so at +once, then begin! But I am not sure that I should advise you to make your +Resolution at once, though I should like you to make your Plan. I should +like you to plan your day while you are here, and write it out: you will +not do much with Resolutions unless you write them. Plan what time you +will get up and go to bed (you should have a conscience about both); +settle a plan of your reading,--what books you want to read during the +first year, what poetry to learn, what subjects to study. Plan it all out, +and then seal it up, and keep it till Christmas comes. Then think over it, +and pray over it, before New Year's Day, and then start your definite +resolutions with the new year. + +But are you to fritter away the time between this and then? No, carry out +your ideas of reading sensible books and doing kind things for friends and +poor people, and saying your prayers and reading the Bible, and write down +every day exactly how much you did. Let your resolution be to keep a +record of these months, rather than a resolution to keep to a detailed +plan. Keeping a record is self-discipline in itself, it means +self-examination every night. If it shows you to be silly and idle and +unpersevering, it will make you ashamed of yourself. Also it will give +you some idea of how much time you can really count on getting. See how +your plan works before you promise God to keep it, and then you will not +make unwise resolutions at the New Year. + +In arranging one's life, it is well to take our Lord's three divisions of +Duty,--Prayer, Alms, and Fasting,--and see how our life and our plans +stand this test. + +_Prayer_.--Under this head you would notice whether your daily prayers, +and your attendance at the Holy Communion, were regular, and how you kept +Sunday. + +_Alms_.--What proportion of your money do you give away? You ought to give +away one shilling out of every half-sovereign which you spend on yourself; +and be sure you spend dress-money on dress, it is not honest to use it on +charity, or books, and then to look shabby. + +But money is only part of the giving which you owe: 'Such as I have give I +unto thee.' What have you got? You have got education. There may be girls +like yourself living near you who have less; could you not start some +sensible reading together? I remember delightful French and German and +Dante readings when we lived in the country,--eight or ten girls used to +come regularly, and we all enjoyed it. + +Are there no old people you could amuse in some way,--possibly with +whist? Or rather lonely people (aunts sometimes), to whom you could write +regularly; people like to be remembered, especially by the young! As long +as you are young your kindnesses are very much valued, and if you choose +to be selfish instead, it is forgiven you, but, as you are in youth so you +will be in middle life, therefore be careful. As I heard Mr. Clifford say, +"As long as you are young you may be selfish, or vain, or silly, and +people love you all the same! But, by the time you are thirty, people will +begin to say they will not stand it any longer, and by the time you are +forty or fifty you will be left to a lonely life!" So begin a _kind_ life +at once, and act towards all around you on the principle 'such as I have I +give thee.' Sometimes you can share your money, sometimes your pleasures, +sometimes your education. And remember that in the work and kindnesses +which you do for others, you must put first and foremost what you do for +your mother and father and home people. "_Haus Teuffel, Strasse Engel_" is +a bad name. The point of that text about 'Corban, it is a gift,' is, that +you must not feel absolved from duties at home, because you do good works +outside. Find out some home duty you can do regularly, and stick to it. I +dare say your mother may not suggest any to you, because she wants you to +have a good time, but think of _her_ pleasure and amusement; mothers +often talk as if they enjoyed being left at home, just to make more room +for you. Keep your eyes open, and find out what you can do to make life +pleasanter to her. Talk over your plans with her; often mothers do not +realize that a girl wants to find duties and kind things to do, and so +they only shower pleasures on her which do not satisfy her. + +If there seems no special work for you, be on the look-out to do the +things that other people do not like doing; that is the sort of person I +like better than any other,--the one who feels "somebody must do the +tiresome work, why shouldn't I?" Nothing you could do in the future would +please me so much as if you lived by that motto; and, if you add to it a +determination to make it quite a pleasure to your mother to find fault +with you, you will do well! + +So much for Prayer, our duty to God, and for Alms, our duty to our +neighbour; how about Fasting, our duty to ourself? + +What is the good of fasting? Is it simply that we should be uncomfortable? +No, the point of fasting is self-discipline and training. This is your +duty to self: not to get comfort or amusement or success in the world, +but, so to train, to drill, to feed and strengthen yourself, that you may +be a good soldier for God. + +Such questions as the proper amount of Rest and Amusement and Exercise +all come under this head, for we ought to aim at just as much as will make +us good soldiers, not to try for as much as we can get. + +We must manage ourselves; we must keep our bodies in good order, and keep +our brains keen and bright. Self-denial in sleep and food and drink are +part of this management. + +Early Rising ought to be on your list of resolutions. Some find it best to +name a certain hour, but then, if they are not called punctually, they +feel the resolution broken, and they very likely lie on slothfully. I +think it is best to resolve to get up either five or ten minutes after you +wake, or are called; look at your watch, and jump up when the time comes. + +When you are up, your Rule of Prayer is the first thing to think of and to +act on. + +And when you are dressed (carefully and prettily dressed), and your soul +is dressed in God's armour, what are you going to do with the new day God +has given you? + +First carry out some duty in the house; next see to your own improvement, +not as a self-ending pleasure, but in order to make yourself a useful +woman, to train you for better work in the future. + +_Reading_ is not the only kind of such training, but it is one of the +best kinds and gives you new ideas. I advise you to try for half an hour a +day, and to keep a list of the books you read:[1] make an abstract of a +sensible book once in three months: sandwich your English novels with +foreign ones: keep a sensible book on hand and, alternately with books you +fancy, read something a little above you: take up some special subject +every three or six months and read several books on it, or else read +through the books on my lists: read no novels before luncheon. + +It is seldom safe to fix the hour very decidedly; some one interrupts you, +and then you feel the rule broken and you get discouraged! + +Make a point of being occupied, keep some needlework on hand, idleness +leads to silly thoughts and self-indulgence. Do not be out-of-doors all +day; have something indoors to show for yourself. Feminine occupations +have a good result on the character, and help you to be quiet and +recollected, to be the womanly woman who makes a real Home for her father +and brothers. As Roger Ascham is reported by Landor to have said to Lady +Jane Grey, "exercise that beauteous couple, the mind and body, much and +variously; but at home, at home, Jane! indoors, and about things indoors." + +Mr. Lowell said that most men act as if they had sealed orders not to be +opened till middle life! I do not want you to waste your life like that, I +want you to feel that you have a definite purpose and that you know what +orders you ought to give yourselves, or rather what are God's orders for +your life. + +What is your purpose in life? I hope--Lord Bacon's words in our Tuesday +midday Prayer express it--"the glory of God and the relief of man's +estate." You go into life knowing how dearly the Lord Jesus Christ loves +you, at how dear a cost He bought you; therefore, not just to save your +souls, not just because you would be _afraid_ to live carelessly, but, +because of His amazing love, you will try to live as He asks you to do. +God grant you such a sense of that amazing love that you may rejoice to +spend and be spent in His service. + +And you will want to live for the relief of man's estate. The more your +eyes open to life, the more you see how many sore hearts there are in the +world, and (besides the well-dressed sorrows which are as sore as any) +there is the pain and poverty and sin of those who have no chance in the +world; what can you do for the poor--you who have so many chances in life, +who have so much love, so many pleasures? There may not be very much open +to you when you first grow up, and you may be very busy with your +pleasures and home duties. Let your mother enjoy your pleasures, she has +been planning them for years, but do what little things you can to +discipline yourself so that by-and-by (when you are free to work) you may +be a worker worth having. It is that which makes the waiting years worth +while. + +Often a girl gets tired of enjoying herself and longs for some purpose in +life, but she is tied in a hundred ways. Sometimes she loses her +aspirations, her wish to do some good in the world, and sinks down into an +idle round of small pleasures and worries. But do not you do that; rather +realize that, according as you spend your waiting time,--before you marry +or find some definite work,--such you will be when your opportunity comes: + + "Be resolute and great + To keep thy muscles trained: know'st thou when Fate + Thy measure takes, or when she'll say to thee, + 'I find thee worthy; do this thing for me'?" + +I was talking over East London work the other day with a worker, and she +was saying that the best preparation for usefulness lay in such common +things as cooking, cutting out, musical-drill, gardening, children's +games, neat business-like letters, keeping your own accounts, a power of +small talk! All these are possible to each of you, and a resolute putting +of salt into each day,--some discipline, some self-denial, some +thoroughness,--will turn you out able by-and-by to do good work for the +Relief of man's estate. + + "Be resolute and great + To keep thy muscles trained" + +that you may be fit to do something to show forth your sense of the +exceeding great love of our Master and only Saviour Jesus Christ. + +[Footnote 1: "Record of a Year's Reading" (6_d_. Mowbray) would be useful +to you.] + + + + +Conversation. + + +Tourgenieff has a story in which three young princes, one by one, went +into an enchanted garden and plucked a magic apple which gave the eater +one wish. The first asked for money, the second for beauty, the third for +the good-will of old women. The third proved to be the successful one. + +If a fairy godmother offered you one gift, what would you choose? I am not +sure that you would not do well to imitate that shrewd young prince! It is +old ladies who can teach you knowledge of the world, and whose good-will +gets you the most desirable invitations! However, you can easily gain +their good-will without any apple, so that, on the whole, I should advise +a princess to choose the gift of being a good Talker--or rather one who +produces good Talk. + +A woman Macaulay, even with brilliant flashes of silence, is not loved: +you do not want a hostess who "holds forth," but one who sets her guests +talking; and every woman is the hostess when she is talking to a man, or +to any one younger or shyer than herself. You should make people go away +with a regretful feeling that they missed a great deal by having talked so +much themselves that they heard very little from you. + +Do you think it is easy to listen--that it means mere silence? I assure +you it means nothing of the sort; it means listening with all your heart +and soul and mind, and making the speaker feel, by your way of listening, +that you _have_ a heart and a soul and a mind. There could not well be +anything further from the person who makes him feel that there is a mere +dead wall of silence before him _at_ which he is talking. + +Listening is a fine art and requires great tact and a peculiar delicate +perception of the shades that are passing over the speaker's mind, and +dictating (often unconsciously) the words he says--words which in +themselves do not convey his mind, unless you are of the family of the +Interpreter in Bunyan, and know by instinct what he feels. + +Only a large heart of quick understanding has this gift; but we help our +heart wonderfully by keeping our mind keen. The heart is apt to be very +blundering and stupid by itself; just as the mind is very apt to go off on +a wrong scent about people, unless you have a warm heart to throw true +light on their motives. + +A _quick-witted heart_ is what I should put as the first requisite for a +good talker; and next a _noble heart_--a heart that cares for the best +side of things and people, a heart which brings out the bearable side of +circumstances, and the nobler side of people, and the interesting side of +subjects. + +Some people are like Kay, in Anderson's "Snow Queen," they have a bit of +ice in their heart, and they see all the smallnesses and absurdities about +them, instead of being alive to the pathos, or endurance, or good-nature +of the apparently stupid lives round them. They are always in a critical, +carping, superior frame of mind. These people can often talk brilliantly, +but it is thin. You cannot have a large mind without a large heart. 'We +live by admiration, hope, and love;' without these, we cease to live--we +wither. + +The best talk is kindly; any fool can point out flaws, said Goethe (who +certainly had a great mind, whatever his heart was like),--it takes a +clever man to discern excellencies. A good talker makes other people feel +they are much cleverer than they had before realized; they are at their +best, thanks to the listener who draws out the best side of them. It is +delightful to be with some people--you are sure of hearing good +talk--interesting subjects spring up wherever they are. + +Perhaps you have a friend staying with you who is one of these delightful +people, and you say: "Oh dear! I must go and pay a duty visit--it will be +so dull, but do come with me." And, lo and behold! that visit is +delightful, for your friend made that dull person into an interesting one +by getting her to talk and show her real self. For the real self of every +soul is interesting, only it often has such a "buried life" that we are +not skilful enough to find it. + +Now, does your way of talking bring out the best side of yourself and of +those you talk to? + +School gives you tremendous opportunities of adding to the kindliness and +nice-mindedness of the world; for there you talk with a large number who, +like yourself, are not yet made, and who are, therefore, more coloured by +the person they talk to than older people would be. + +There are people in the world who never hear unkind gossip or vulgar +jokes, for no one would think of saying such things to them. I know girls +who would never have such things said--who would never get a letter +written to them that was not of a nice tone--because, instinctively, their +friends would feel such things out of harmony with them. + +When girls are silly, or spiteful, or not quite nice in what they say to +you, it pays _you_ a bad compliment; do not in your own mind merely +condemn _them_. They would not say it to you if they felt you above talk +of that kind. You may be above it in your own mind and may feel that your +home surroundings are on a higher level than such talk; but either you +have not had the courage to show your colours, or else you are like that +in your heart, and they know it by instinct. + +See to it that you keep at your best: for the danger of school is the +temptation to follow a multitude to do, not evil, but folly. + +Many, from indolence or thoughtlessness, or from yielding to the bad bit +in them, join in silly school talk, silly mysteries, giggling, criticizing +other people, boasting about home, loud, rough ways of talking, slang, +cliques and exclusive friendships (every one of which is underbred, as +well as silly or unkind), and are yet, three-quarters of them, fit for +something better,--at home they _would_ be better, and at school they +_could_ be better. + +Many people dread schools for fear of wrong talk going on; now some of you +may (through gossip, or newspapers, or servants, or novels) know of bad +things or fast things; and it is perhaps not your fault that you know; but +_it is a very heavy sin on your conscience if you hand on your knowledge_ +and make others dwell on wrong things which would never have been in their +minds but for you. Books or friends which give us a knowledge of +wickedness, do more harm than we know. + +Never have the blood-guiltiness on your head of teaching evil to others, +or leading their minds to dwell on it. Some find it much harder to get rid +of such thoughts than others do--they may be more naturally inclined to +it, and you may have woke up in them far more harm than you guess. + +Your very first duty when you are thrown with others is to see that _no +one shall ever be less nice-minded because they knew you_. See to it that +no one learns anything about evil through your being with them. You can +very easily soil a mind, and you can never wash it clean. + +If you feel the least doubt about a thing, do not say it--do not tell the +story; if you want to ask a question and feel in the very least +uncomfortable about it, hold your tongue, or ask your mother instead. + +There are many things which it is not wholesome to talk about among +yourselves, but which it is quite right to ask your mother about, or any +one in her place, if you find yourself dwelling on them. Of course this +includes everything which makes you feel at all hot, with a sense of +something not quite nice;--everything in books which it would make you hot +to read out loud (an excellent test);--and _I_ include all uncanny things +such as ghosts and palmistry and fortune-telling:--these are not safe +things to talk about, and I ask you as my particular wish not to do it, +though you are quite welcome to unburden your mind to me if you wish to do +so! I think your common sense will bear me out in not wanting them talked +about among yourselves, because you never know who may take it seriously +or what harm you may be doing, though as I have read "The Mysteries of +Udolpho" to you, you will see that it is not the subject, but the +indiscriminate talking which I object to! + +But apart from wrong talk, what sort of silly talk are you likely to be +infected with at school? It is not unlikely that among a number of girls +there will be one with a hawk's eye for dress, who knows exactly how a +trimming went, and how long this or that has been worn; in fact, she takes +in every detail of the dress of each person she sees for a minute, and can +talk of it by the hour! She may have no harm in her, but she is first +cousin to a milliner's apprentice (and is mentally the poor relation of +the two, since the milliner notices these things as a part of business, +and very likely has other interests in life for her spare time). If the +girl wishes to prove herself of different family, she needs to put to +sleep the side of her that belongs to the keen-eyed young lady behind the +counter, by feeding other sides of her mind, and turning her powers of +observation on to other things. + +I should like you to be faultlessly dressed outside, and I should like you +to be perfectly well inside; but I should not admire you if your chief +subject of conversation was the devices by which you arrived at the dress, +or the decoctions you took to arrive at the health. + +Copy the flowers of the field, not only in prettiness, but in giving an +impression that you grow as naturally as they do! Make us feel that you +_could_ not have anything ugly or awkward or unbecoming about you. Your +dress and your rooms and your dinners should be perfect, but do not +entertain your guest with the mere mechanism of how you arrive at any one +of them. Give time and thought to this machinery of life--enough to +produce the right result, and then go on to the real interests, for which +they are only the stage. I do not want a sloven, but I want a girl who is +a real person and not a mere _poupée modèle_ to show off dresses. + +Petty gossip is the prevailing danger of any small community such as a +girls' school. Provincial gossip, Matthew Arnold would call it--provincial +being one of his severest adjectives for the Philistines whom his soul +abhors,--by which he means that their talk is limited to their +narrow-minded local gossip, so that when a stranger comes from a larger +world, they have nothing in common. I think his use of that word marks his +French turn of mind;--parochial would be the better expression in England, +where the talk is very often literally parochial,--besides deserving the +word in its wider meaning, as describing talk which is full of +unimportant, local, and personal facts, instead of belonging to the larger +world of ideas. + +English girls, as a whole, are supposed to be bad at talking--to giggle +among themselves, and to have nothing to say on general subjects. But, +besides this, there is a certain love of silly mysteries and secrets in +some girls, which is apt to be too much for their common sense. + +Some girls are so keen to chatter, and make themselves interesting at any +cost, that they tell their family's private affairs or discuss the faults +of their nearest relations. I am sure you would all remember that any one, +with a grain of decent family pride, washes every bit of dirty linen at +home, and holds their tongue about family news till they are sure it is +public property, and to the family credit! If you ever want to talk about +such things for real reasons, always go to an older friend and not to one +of your own age; for an older friend would know enough of the world to +take it up by the right handle and to hold her tongue. + +Again, some girls fancy that a little theatre gossip marks them out as +women of the world. To talk about a play and about the good and bad +strokes of acting is one thing:--the petty personal gossip about the +actors and actresses is on the same level, to my mind, as the talking +about dukes and duchesses by those who read of them in a society paper, +without ever expecting to meet them. + +Again, there is some school talk which is undesirable, though not wrong. I +mean talk about the things which belong to your future life, but which +are just the sides of it that you want your education to help you to keep +in proper proportion. There are interests, such as hunting and dancing, +which are all right in their own time and place, but which make a silly, +empty mind when they are your chief mental food. You come to school to +take an interest in work, and in bookish things generally. It is not so +easy to do this when you are in the full swing of home amusements, and so +you come away for a sort of mental retreat, during which it will be easier +to you to let your bookish and thoughtful side grow. Here you are, and +your home amusements are left behind. Would it not be a pity to let your +mind keep running on the very things from which you have come away? Do not +let your tongue or your mind run on the amusements of home--they prevent +your taking real interest in your work. + +Also there should be no talk about religious differences. Of course, you +all come from different homes and have somewhat different teaching, and I +do not wish you ever to discuss those differences. Every one should keep +to her home ways, and try to live up to them. Religious controversy never +yet made any into better Christians, and it generally makes them worse! + +Avoid Religious gossip about the services and the clergy. Make it a rule +for yourself, wherever you are, never to criticize the clergyman or the +sermon. Very likely you might say something to the point--it might do him +good if he heard it! That will not happen, and what _will_ happen is, that +you will do yourself harm by being critical or amused, instead of making +your mind devout. If your "mind" knows that, whatever it may notice in +church, your "will" is not going to allow it to speak of, then your +critical part goes to sleep. A joke loses its amusingness if one is not +going to tell it, and you are then able to think only of your Prayers and +Resolutions. + +Purity and Reverence are the two main things in talk, but how about Sense? + +There is one class of girl I have sometimes noticed with amused regret--I +dare say you have too--though she is by no means so objectionable as the +other kind I spoke of. She is a would-be child of nature. She has no +thoughtfulness or weight about her; she is an engaging kitten who exists +on the rather inadequate stock-in-trade of nice eyes; she is quite +irresponsible and useless, and tells you so, in an ingenuous way, for +which her nearest and dearest long to box her ears! I would call her "The +Artless Japanese," remembering the princess in the _Mikado_, who says, "I +sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why I am so charming." + +Again, very often a girl of your age gets a good deal of society in the +holidays or before she comes. She comes to school on purpose to keep away +from that, till the right time for it comes (when I hope she will have +plenty of it!) + +Now, when a girl is not much accustomed to society (especially to men's +society), it sometimes turns her head, and she gets an idea that any joke +about a man is amusing. I will not say that this sort of a joke is like a +servant, for a well-brought-up servant puts many a young lady to shame by +her nice-mindedness. Young ladies' academies are supposed to be full of +that sort of thing--for which there is no word but vulgar--and when such +girls leave such academies to go home for good, they are always in holes +and corners either with a man, or with another girl talking about one. A +man does not respect that kind of girl--though he will go just as far with +her as she will let him--and he will tell it again at his club, and +probably to his sisters. If _she_ does not mind about her dignity, why +should _he_? There is hardly a man living who would not make game of the +advances of the girl who admires him, just as there is hardly a man living +who would speak to others of the girl he loves. Unluckily, every idiotic +girl (who is silly about him) thinks she is the one he cares for, and +never realizes how she is "giving herself away!" + +And the worst of it is, that the girl is not only lowering herself, she is +lowering a man's standard of Woman in general. You, each one of you, help +to decide whether your brothers and every man you meet shall have a high +or a low standard about women. I assure you, when I think of girls I have +known of (and heard of from men), I wonder that men have any respect for +women at all. + +We shall never know how much of Dante's nobleness was due to his having +once known a girl in Florence, who never was in any specially close +relationship to him. He met her at the gatherings of Florentine ladies, +where she must have heard his songs, but the most close personal +intercourse they had was one day when they passed each other in the +street, and she bowed to him,--"From that salute, humbleness flowed all +his being o'er." Do you say, he was a poet, and Beatrice was one of the +most famous of all Fair Women, and therefore they are no guide for you? +What man has not got poetry in him, waiting for the woman he loves to wake +it? and what woman does not possess that womanhood which is, by God's +ordering, in itself an attraction to a man, and which it rests with her so +to use--by self-restraint and love of noble things--that she may be, to +every man about her, something of what Beatrice was to Dante?--he may know +very little of her, and care less, but she will have helped to raise his +idea of what a woman should be. + +Women have a great deal to answer for as regards men, and every girl +should do her best to be on the right side and to help a man to be at his +best, by showing that she thinks silliness and vulgar chaff objectionable. +Every girl sets the tone of those she talks with, for every one's +conscience responds to the tacit appeal of a nice-minded girl's dislike of +these things. If you do not respond, it checks such talk wonderfully. + +Boys are sometimes told that they must swim with the stream at school and +join in bad talk because "everybody does it," but the nice boy stands out +and does not, and helps weaker ones thereby. + +Girls have a much smaller temptation in that way--more to silliness than +to actual wrong; but your tone--in these matters that I speak of--helps +your brothers in their battles with downright wrong. Every boy who knows +his sister's standard is very high, is helped far more than he is +conscious of, by her influence,--and far more than she ever knows, for she +does not know all his temptations. + +Women have been trained to nice-mindedness by centuries of public +opinion--they have always been admired for it, and blamed if they lack it; +while men have not been so trained; therefore women have a special power +of helping men, who are, consequently, not likely to be born so particular +about these things as women are. + +Always feel responsible for what you laugh at: very often people say +things tentatively to see if you will laugh: you help to fix their +standard by the way you take it, and you often throw your weight into the +wrong scale because you are afraid of seeming priggish. A man's sense of +humour is different from a woman's; when you go into the world you must be +careful not to laugh just because a man makes a joke, until you are quite +sure that it is one to laugh at. Perhaps your host makes it, and his wife +looks a trifle grave: then be quick to take your cue from her and to +notice what nice women think nice for a woman. + +Very often in talking to girls and preparing them for life, the whole +question of flirtation and nonsense is left out--there is not even as much +said as in Mrs. Blackett's village, where the clergyman's wife put every +girl through a special catechism before she left to go to service, part of +which was, "Lads, Sally?" The correct answer briskly given by Sally was, +"Have naught to do with them--but if they _will_, tell mother." + +The whole subject of getting married, or falling in love, or meeting a man +you _may_ fall in love with, is often smothered up out of sight, as if it +were something wrong. If you have your life so full of other interests +that it does not concern you till the real thing comes, so much the +better--you will lose the pleasantest five years of your life if you turn +your mind in this direction too soon. + +What often happens is that it is plentifully thought of and talked of +among the girls, and hidden away from the mothers and any older friends. +Either do not speak of it at all, or let it be an open straightforward +thing, instead of a Rosa Matilda mystery. So often a girl feels a +delightful spice of impropriety in any remark about a man or a boy. If she +had more to do with them she would not be so silly--unless she had a very +odd sort of menkind belonging to her; but you will find girls (very +unattractive ones, too) always imagining that a man is in love with them, +or else being silly themselves over every other man they meet. + +What I am describing is, of course, very vulgar; but, from the castle to +the cottage, no house is folly-proof, though the outward manifestations of +it may be less objectionable where the manners are better. + +Now, with regard to all the kinds of talk which I have singled out as +undesirable, please understand, that except in speaking of wickedness (or +worse still nastiness), which is always a sin and needs your penitent +confession and God's absolution, all these things are wrong, only in the +wrong place and wrong way and wrong proportion. + +If you are keen about any of them, and want dreadfully to talk about it, +do so; let it out, if you cannot fill your mind with other things; only, +do it with an older person, so as to save yourself from that demon of +silliness who hovers about a room where girls are alone together. He is +powerless unless you invoke him; but remember, he is always there, eagerly +watching his opportunity. + +I advise you to make it a rule for yourself always to go to an older +friend, when you want to talk about anything that might be not quite nice, +or that might verge on silliness. If conscience or prudence give any +pricks in the matter, go to an elder. You do not know how much such a rule +would save you from, and if you say, "but that is impossible, she would +not understand!" then I say to you, "well, it is always possible to hold +your tongue, though _I_ do not wish to impose such a severe penance on +you; I only say, talk to a safe friend, or to none." + +This question of talk is a very practical one in school life. Probably +most of you think privately, "How silly girls are!" What do _you_ do, to +make the mass less silly? That sort of infectious silliness is the great +danger of school life, but the chatter is made up by individuals, who +could each talk instead of chattering: remember that a girl at school need +not be a schoolgirl; but she is in great danger of it, unless she is +careful! + +When you live at home you do not talk nonsense at dinner, you probably +join in sensible talk. Well, do not alter because you are with girls, and +say complacently in your heart "How silly the others are!" Your +neighbours would not be silly if you did not admire it. You yourself are +part of the mass you are criticizing. On which side do your words go--talk +or chatter? Watch yourselves, and see how your words, each day, can fairly +be divided between those two scales. + +"By thy words thou shall be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be +condemned." Are these words too solemn to use, after suggestions on talk +which may seem to you to have been occupied with very petty and ignoble +details? Surely not, for your talk on these commonplace matters really +settles your standard, and that of the world about you, on the deepest +moral questions. The common talk of the day is both cause and effect of +the morality of the day. + +May I suggest some thoughts for self-examination on the matter? One good +question to put daily to yourself is, "How much of my talk to-day was for +myself, and against others? Perhaps I was too well-mannered to boast, but +have I turned things to my own advantage, shown up my own strong points, +instead of trying to help others to shine? Have I tried to get cheap +credit for wit, by sharp speeches, _would-be_ clever criticism and pulling +people to pieces? Have I started, or handed on, spiteful remarks?" If you +like, use another question, and ask yourself, "Was I like S. Theresa, 'An +Advocate of the Absent'?" Or ask, "Have I, by my way of speaking _or +listening_, lowered any one's standard to-day?" Very often people say +things or make jokes tentatively, to see how we shall take it, and through +fear of being stiff or priggish we surprise them by seeming to enjoy what +they were rather uncertain about. It is quite curious how ashamed most +people generally are of seeming as good as they really are; they "hide +their best selves as if they had stolen them." If they would show their +colours, they would find that many of the apparently careless people they +meet do care about the real interests of life. If they themselves do care +and yet try to seem careless, are they not responsible for half the +carelessness in those about them? + +"The manner of our ordinary conversation," says Bishop Wilson, "is that +which either hardens people in wrong, or awakens them to the right. We +always do good or harm to others by the manner of our conversation." + + + + +Aunt Rachel; or, Old Maids' Children. + + +"What is the matter, my dear" said Aunt Rachel to her favourite niece, +Urith Trevelyan, who was spending the Easter holidays with her. "You look +fit to be a sister in mind, though I hope not in manners, to the Persian +poet, who described himself as 'scratching the head of Thought with the +nails of Despair.'" + +"I think life is very difficult," remarked Urith, with a solemn sigh. + +"There I partly agree with you," said Aunt Rachel; "especially to people +who insist on doing to-morrow's duty with to-day's strength. I doubt very +much if the holiday task, which I see in your hand, is the cause of this +gloom." + +"Oh dear, no! I was thinking what shall I do with myself when I leave +school at Midsummer; it will be so very hard to read by myself." + +"My good child, do attend to what you are doing; you are just like the man +in the 'Snark,' who had + + "'luncheon at five o'clock tea, + And dined on the following day.' + +"I wish you would dine off that unfortunate task to-day, and when you have +finished it we will talk about your future work." + +The task did not take long when Urith fairly gave her mind to it, and the +next day she and her aunt started for a distant cottage at the far end of +the parish. Urith seized the opportunity, and began as the door closed +behind them-- + +"Now, Aunt Rachel, how can I do everything I ought when I leave school? I +shall know nothing of Greek or Roman history, or mythology, or French or +German history, or even of English, except the period we have been just +doing, and I have done only a few books in the literature class, and none +in foreign literature, and I have forgotten all my geography, and I shall +have Latin and Greek to keep up, and French and German and chemistry, and +I don't know anything, hardly, of modern books, or of architecture or +natural history, or philosophy, or of cooking"--here, in her ardour, she +tripped over a stone, and her aunt availed herself of the pause to say-- + +"Add Shakespeare and the musical glasses, and you will have a tolerably +complete programme before you." + +"Yes, Aunt Rachel, you need not laugh, you always say girls are so +uneducated, and can't respond to literary allusions; but how are they to +become educated when there is so much to be done?" + +"My dear Urith, there is a very wise Irish proverb, 'Never cross a bridge +till you come to it,' and though this bridge of culture seems such a +bridge of sighs to you, I really do not think it need be. In the first +place, it has not got to be crossed in one year. You get far more law now +than in my young days, for you and your friends are not expected to come +out full-blown heroines at seventeen or eighteen; you are almost expected +to carry on your education for some time longer. It is not safe to count +on it, for real life may come on you in a dozen ways when you once leave +the safety of the schoolroom, but you will probably get several years of +tolerable quiet, and, if I were you, I would not spend my first year in a +desperate effort to fill up all the gaps in my education, and to go on +with school-work in the school spirit. I should take my first year of +freedom as the arbour on the Hill Difficulty, where Christian rested; the +lord of that country does not like pilgrims to stay there for good, but +they go on all the better for it afterwards. I should look on this year as +being the ornamental fringe to the intellectual dress you have been +weaving for yourself at school. And do not forget that the dress and the +trimming are not an end in themselves--they are only to enable you to +leave the house with decency, to go about your business; and at the end of +the first year I should count up my possessions and see where I was +wanting--if the dress proved thin, I would then set to work and furnish +myself with a jacket, by hard, steady work in the second year." + +"But some of my school-work will be wasted if I don't keep it up." + +"Quite true; but do not keep it up simply because you have once begun it; +some of your lessons will have done their work by ploughing and harrowing +your mind, and may be left behind. The use of school is to teach you how +to use your mind, and to try your hand at several branches of study, that +you may be able to follow whichever suits you." + +"But I have not got any particular turn for anything, and it seems a pity +to drop things." + +"Yes, it is a pity, but you are not going to teach, and you will have to +do the best you can. You had better make up your mind, before you begin +life, as to what sort of woman you want to be, and then cut your coat +according to your cloth, for if you begin by wanting to keep up +everything, you will probably end by dropping everything, in despair." + +"Well, I want to keep up Latin and Greek and French and German, and +Algebra and Geometry and Chemistry and Mechanics, as well as English +subjects." + +"And seeing that your day will probably be only twenty-four hours long, I +fear 'want will be your master'! If you had a strong turn for any one of +these subjects, I should say keep it up, by all means; but as you have +not, I have very strong doubts whether you will find mathematics or +classics much use to you. You know enough to take them up again if ever +you wanted to help a beginner." + +"Then do you think Latin and Greek and mathematics no good for a woman?" + +"Certainly not; you will read your newspaper, and the books of the day, in +quite a different way now that your mind has been trained by these +subjects, but you do not need to keep the scaffolding up when your house +is built!" + +"It does seem a pity!" + +"Well, I do not want to debar you from these subjects if you really enjoy +them; there would be a reason for going on, if they were intense pleasure +to you, but I suspect you do them as 'lessons,' and, if so, you had better +forsake them for things that directly tend to make you useful." + +"Oh, cooking and nursing, and that sort of thing." + +"Yes; but I was not thinking of that sort of thing. I meant things that +bring you closer to others; Madame Schwetchine says that every fresh +sorrow we endure is like learning a fresh language, because it enables us +to speak to a fresh set of souls in their own tongue, and to sympathize. +Every fresh thing that you learn brings you in sympathy with a fresh set +of people. It gives pleasure and ease to a stranger to find that some one +in his new circle knows his old home, and we can try to be at home in the +mental country of each person we meet, so as to be able to respond to +them. If you are a genius you can have your own country, and wait in it, +till you meet some fellow-countryman; but as you only want to be an +ordinary woman, 'not too bright and good for human nature's daily food,' +you will give far more pleasure to others, and widen and strengthen your +own mind far more, by being able to join on easily to all you meet, than +by pursuing some one abstruse study, whether it be mathematics or +philosophy." + +"But it seems such a small thing to spend one's mind in learning odds and +ends of other people's hobbies." + +"But I would have a hobby of my own, and do some steady stiff reading, +only, as you are going to be a woman, and not a student, I would choose +reading that linked me to as many as possible of other people's interests. +How dull and shy poor little Miss Smith was yesterday, till I found that +she knew Venice as well as I did. After that she quite enjoyed her visit." + +"Yes, but I could not have talked about Italy. I never have a chance of +going abroad." + +"You do not know when you may go, and if you went to-morrow it would be a +case of 'No Eyes.' You do not know an interesting piece of architecture +when you see it, you would not know what pictures to look for, you would +not know the history of the places you went to, and, in short, you would +miss nine-tenths of the best points, for want of knowing they were there." + +"Yes; I might read up countries, but it is so unlikely that I should ever +see them, that it does not seem much use to read up for nothing." + +"Well, supposing that you did not go, but that you had read books on +Italian Art, and made out a list of the pictures you wanted to see at each +great town--Florence, Venice, Rome, Siena--and knew about each painter, +his history, his style, and photographs of his works, and copied out under +each picture what good critics had said of it, or at least put a reference +to the book where it was mentioned (_e.g._ Kingsley's description of +Bellini's Doge; Browning on Fra Lippo Lippi's Coronation of the Virgin; +Ruskin's best descriptions); and if you looked out all the famous men of +each town, and knew their history, and what parts of the town were sacred +to them; if you studied the buildings of each town, looked up its +architecture, and tried to draw it from photographs and illustrations, and +then hunted out all the poetry and novels about each place, and drew out a +sketch of its history, marking where the local history of the town +dovetailed into larger European interests, and specially where it touched +England--I think, after this, you would enjoy meeting any one from Italy +almost as much as if you had been there, and you would not feel you had +read up for nothing. I should take a fresh country every year, and make +believe that you were going to it next summer, and that you were getting +ready to be 'Eyes,' and not 'No Eyes,' while there. You would have got the +spirit of the country by this, far more than ninety-nine out of a hundred +of those who go to it in the flesh. You are leaving school at eighteen, +and by the time you are five and twenty, _i.e._ before you are fully grown +up, you might have thus visited Italy, France, Germany, Spain, America, +India, which would make you a fairly cultivated person." + +"But it is so hard to get books; I can read Ruskin while I am with you, +and when I am with Uncle Charles I could find some of the others I should +want, but I can't get hold of a course of reading at home." + +"But if you have such a large peg as Italy on which to hang your reading, +you can always find something which bears on it--you can borrow an odd +book here and there, or pick up bits in a stray magazine; several of the +books you would want are cheap to buy, and, if you keep a list of them, +you will be surprised to find from what odd quarters they turn up. People +have a way of saying, 'Oh, do recommend me a book,' as if all subjects +were equally interesting, or rather uninteresting, and they borrow the +first that comes, reading it as a duty, quite regardless of the fact that +it does not belong to anything they have read before, or will read after; +but if they had made up their mind on a subject, the lending friend would +take far more interest, and probably hunt up something that bore on the +subject, while the reader would be more likely to get good." + +"But if I begin Ruskin here, and then go home, where I may perhaps find an +Italian history, and then go for another visit and find something else, it +will all be so disjointed." + +"Yes, it would be nicer if you could go on with art or architecture; but +your reading will not be so desultory as to be useless, if it is all +strung on the one thread of Italy, and then you can group it, as you go +along, in a commonplace book. I should take a large one, and divide it +among the towns I wanted to see, and then subdivide the pages given to, +_e.g._ Florence, under the heads of art, history, famous men, +architecture, poetry, novels, and, as I read anything on these subjects, I +should jot down the substance of it under the right heading, or if it was +a poem, just give the title and one or two of the best lines. And you +could keep up your French and German at the same time--suppose you read +_Corinne_ and the _Improvisator_, they would both help to keep you in an +Italian atmosphere." + +"Yes, I could keep up my reading, but how about the grammar?" + +"I should recommend you to take a very conversational novel and turn a +page of it into both French and German every week; this would keep up all +the rules of grammar, and, though you might make mistakes, you would gain +fluency in expressing yourself, which is much more needed than grammatical +accuracy if you go abroad, for a course of lessons will set you right +about the grammar at any time, but would not make you talk, if you had +allowed yourself to get tongue-tied by not practising translation from +English into French; and I should advise you to translate very freely, and +use the dictionary as little as possible; if you cannot remember the exact +rendering, twist the sentence and paraphrase it, till you can manage it, +simply to learn to express your thoughts easily. I should say an hour a +week of this would keep up both French and German." + +"But you have said nothing of English History and Literature." + +"I should be inclined to drop English History for the first year, because +you know so much more of that than of Foreign and Ancient History, but if +you like it I should take some one prominent reign--Elizabeth or Charles +I., or Anne or George III., and get to know all the chief people, read +their memoirs, and what they themselves wrote, so as to feel among friends +whenever you hear a name of that period mentioned--and read all essays, +etc. that you can find upon it. To keep your mind generally open, I should +make a chart of contemporary history and another of literature, taking one +century a month, and leaving plenty of space for adding things afterwards. +In Literature, I should take one of the Men of Letters every month, or one +of the Foreign Classics, and at the same time read any of the man's own +works that I could. Modern poets and novelists and essayists I should read +at odd times, _specially making it a matter of conscience never to open a +novel before luncheon_! I should read my poets not only promiscuously, as +the fancy took me, but compare their treatment of different subjects; +_e.g._, you might make yourself a private New Year's Eve service, of all +the poems on it you can find--Coleridge, Tennyson, and Elia's prose poem +on the same subject. Or you could make a Shepherd's Calendar for yourself, +and copy out under each month what poets have said about it, and its +flowers and features generally: or a Poet's Garden; collect all the bits +about flowers, and make a 'Poet's Corner' in your garden, admitting no +flower that cannot bring some poetry as its credential. It will make +country life far more enjoyable if you know your poets as Thomas +Holbrook, in 'Cranford,' knew Tennyson." + +"I should like all that, Aunt Rachel; but you have not said anything that +sounds like stiff reading yet." + +"No; and you ought to have something that will tax all your powers, as +well as this general cultivation, which will be all pleasant. I should +take some really stiff book, on Logic or Political Economy, or Butler's +'Analogy,' and after each morning's work make a careful analysis of the +argument, leaving one side of your MS. book blank, that you may put in +afterwards any illustrations or criticisms of your own, or others, that +may occur to you in the future. I should always keep a stiff book in hand +and treat it so, even if all other regularity and plan in my reading fell +through--it would be a backbone." + +"But I shall have so much writing to do if I am to make a commonplace book +on each subject." + +"It will make you slower, but much surer. I know a girl who writes a +review of every book she reads, giving extracts, and an abstract of the +argument and her own opinion of it. She finds it most useful, both as +practice in expressing her thoughts and for reference afterwards." + +"But it would take so long." + +"You would be well repaid, and you would not read any books in your time +for study which were not worth taking trouble with. In reading a book, I +should put a mark to everything that struck me, and at the end of a +chapter should look over the marked bits, and put a second mark to those +parts that seemed specially important, after I had mastered the drift of +the chapter. It would then be easy, when you had finished the book, to +write a review, for you would only look at the doubly marked bits." + +"And am I to do no science?" + +"I should vary your science with your opportunities, because you have no +strong turn for any one in particular. When you go to town in the winter +for that long visit you should get some cooking lessons, and before you go +you should get the books recommended by the South Kensington Cookery +School, and study the bookwork on the subject. When you go away in the +summer, you should take up geology, or botany, or whatever suits the place +you go to." + +"But I shall only have smatterings of things at this rate!" + +"Smatterings are very good things in their way, so long as you are not +misled into thinking them more than they are! They are the keys which will +enable you, in the future, to follow up the subject for which you may have +any special opportunities. They also prevent your being quite a dumb note +anywhere,--it is something to be able to listen intelligently! Besides, if +your mind is open on all sides, you will never find any one dull, for you +are almost certain to be able to gain information on some one of the +subjects you are interested in." + +"I don't see how I can get all these things in, Aunt Rachel, for I shan't +have much time." + +"I think you might manage two hours a day, and I should divide the week +thus: Monday and Friday I should give to Italy or any subject which you +meant to take as the staple of your reading; Tuesday take a science, and +Wednesday English literature; Thursday take a stiff book and half an hour +of French; Saturday take ancient history or mythology and half an hour of +German. I should write an essay every week at odd moments, if I were you, +for you ought to think things out for yourself as well as filling your +mind with other people's thoughts by reading, but you could work out your +essay in your head while walking or waiting for any one. I should also +advise you to make a list of every book you read after leaving school; you +will find it very interesting in after years, especially if you put a +short criticism on each."[2] + +"But surely I had better do more than one subject in a day? I should get +tired of reading one book for two hours." + +"You might vary your treatment of the subject. For instance, take notes +of the History of Italy for one hour, and look out descriptions of +pictures for another. In literature you could read about your author for +one hour, and read his works for the next. In your science, give half the +time to book-work, and the rest to practical work." + +"But would it not be a more thorough change to go to a new subject?" + +"So it would, but you may not be able to fit in two hours' reading with +your duty to your neighbour! On any day that you could honestly be only a +half-timer, you are far less likely to get careless, and to despair of +regularity, if you get a bit of your day's subject, than if you have to +leave one of your subjects entirely undone." + +Even Aunt Rachel's good advice came to an end at last, as in course of +time did Urith's visit, and also the Midsummer term, after which she left +school with the best possible intentions, and announced them at home with +much dignity. But, far from being allowed to carry on her course of study, +it became a study with her two small brothers to prevent such morbid +fancies from taking effect. They won golden opinions from the servants +those holidays, who said that the young gentlemen had never been so little +trouble before. They suddenly became as full of "resources within +themselves" as Mrs. Elton herself, to the admiration of the whole family, +except of the unfortunate Urith, who might have unravelled the mystery, +since the cultivation of her domestic virtues by startling and unexpected +interruptions of her reading, occupied such of their spare time as was not +devoted to the mental exercise of devising new plans for her discomfiture +on the morrow. + +But, happily for Urith, holidays are terminable, and when the boys left +she hoped to do great things. But visitors came to stay in the house, +special friends of her own, with strong theories as to the value of +co-operation in the matter of brushing their hair at night. + +Midnight conversations did not conduce to work before breakfast or to much +energy after it. It was, therefore, with very mingled feelings that Urith +welcomed Aunt Rachel, her outside conscience, whose yearly visit was +usually an unmixed pleasure to her. + +Having written much about her intentions at first starting, she was not +surprised when her aunt, on the first evening of her visit, settled +herself for a talk, and began-- + +"How is the reading going on? You were very sensible in saying that you +meant to begin at once on leaving school, so as not to get out of the +habit of work, and as you have now had three months I suppose you have +something to show for it?" + +"Well, I thought I should have had, but, you see, the boys wouldn't let +me!" + +"I don't see why you need have drawn the boys' attention to what you were +doing; but since they left--" + +"The house has been full!" + +"Yes, my dear, but as you generally do have visitors, your reading will +never flourish at this rate." + +"Well, I couldn't neglect them." + +"No; but they don't require entertaining before breakfast, do they?" + +"No; but I was so sleepy." + +"What time did you go to bed?" + +"Well, I suppose I ought not to have stayed in Barbara's room, but Alice +had so many stories to tell us of her adventures that I did not leave them +till after twelve o'clock." + +"As Alice is by no means tongue-tied in the daytime, her adventures might +have kept, and if you went to bed in proper time, you might get half an +hour before breakfast. But what do you do after breakfast?" + +"Oh, then the flowers want doing, and mamma always wants some notes to be +answered, and then it is so fine that we go for a walk, and don't get back +till after luncheon, and then visitors come, and I must be there to talk +to them; and when it gets cool, people come in for tennis, and as to +reading after that, why, one barely gets time to dress for dinner, and in +the evening they like me to play to them, and papa wants the paper read +to him, and you know, Aunt Rachel, you always said home duties ought to +come first, so I don't see when a girl at home is to read!" + +"I quite agree with you about home duties, my dear; but, though many +things have changed since my day, home duties must have changed most of +all, if they now include chattering till midnight, and taking a two hours' +walk in the morning, on days when you are likely to get three hours' +tennis in the afternoon, and being obliged to play in the last set, so +that you cannot even go and dress a quarter of an hour too soon! It seems +to me that you might get these home duties done by eleven o'clock, and +then get an hour, or an hour and a half, for steady reading, or, if not so +much as that, still visitors do not come directly after luncheon: in fact, +I noticed that you got through two volumes of that new novel before any +one came. Now, that time would have done equally well for history, and +even when the boys are at home, their suspicions would not be much aroused +if you went to wash your hands for luncheon a quarter of an hour too soon, +and the same in the evening before dinner." + +"Yes, Aunt Rachel, it all seems very easy when I talk to you, and I feel +now as if I should carry out all you say, but I know a hundred little +things will come to make it very hard. I wish it were easier to carry out +one's good intentions." + +"I do not wish it for you, my dear; you will be worth ten times more if +you have to exert strength of character, than if everything is done for +you; we ought to feel a little insulted if Fortune lets us live on too +easy terms, though I cannot say, after all, that you have very hard ones. +There now! I have given you quite enough advice to start several girls in +life. I will only add this: do not get flurried over your work, or insist +on doing it when time and strength will not permit; and, on the other +hand, do not be self-indulgent!" + + "Like as a star + That maketh not haste, + That taketh not rest, + Be each one pursuing + His God-given hest." + +[Footnote 2: See "Record of a Year's Reading." 6_d_. Mowbray.] + + + + +"Get up, M. le Comte!" + + +You have all been considering what qualities are most necessary in family +life and what qualities are most to be deprecated--you have, in short, +been considering Dr. Johnson's question as to what makes "a clubbable +person." I find, on comparing your suggestions, that there are +thirty-eight things to avoid in home life (which suggests complexity); +however, each of you was to confine her attention to three virtues and +three failings, so in giving you my own likes and dislikes, I will not +dwell on more than three. + +I will not take manifest faults like irritability or selfishness--we all +strive against those, but I would suggest turns of mind that are often not +realized as faults:-- + +I.--_The Benevolent Despot_ who takes infinite trouble for your help or +pleasure, but insists on your enjoying yourself in _her_ way. (The young +very often do this to the old or to the invalid, quite forgetting that +one's own way loses none of its charm, even in age or illness!) + +II.--Then there is the _Peter Grievous_ who cannot stand a word of +reproof; she is aggrieved or huffy or sulky in a minute--she thinks that +she has a delicate sense of justice, and that she does well to be angry; +she feels as if her mother took a curious and selfish enjoyment in finding +fault with her,--whereas the poor mother has to take her courage in both +hands before saying anything calculated to bring on those black looks. + +III.--And then there is _The Snail_, always slow, generally late, and +frequently a martyr--she has to be spoken to so often that her case +usually develops into the Peter Grievous disease as well. For if a mother +speaks, let us say, six times--in the daughter's mind it ceases to be +reproof, and becomes Nagging. It never occurs to the daughter that she +sinned six times (or even shall we say eight or ten?); she feels that she +is being nagged at, and may therefore cease to attend, and may enjoy a +grievance into the bargain! + +Now, I have slow friends who really suffer from a sense of their failing, +and who realize acutely what they make others suffer; they were not +trained at first to pull themselves together and to collect beforehand any +materials they were likely to want (as you can train yourselves by +settling in properly to do your preparation)--and they did not teach +themselves to start five minutes sooner instead of leaving things to the +last moment. (They think that the consequent family thundercloud is their +sad fate from their being of a slow constitution.) But if you have only +one horse and your neighbour two, and you are to dine at the same house, +it only means that you must order yours earlier. Do not start together and +then bewail your sad fate; nothing condemns you to be late except your own +bad management. + +Especially be careful to be up early when you are going to early service +with your mother; it fidgets her to wait--she recalls all your many +previous sins of the same kind--and just when you both want to feel _at +one_, you start off together (rather, I should say, you overtake her), +both feeling very much _at two_. And yet you made an effort to go! and you +feel she ought to be pleased with you--do not spoil it by that fly in the +ointment of being late. + + * * * * * + +It seems to me that the Benevolent Despot, the Peter Grievous, and the +Martyred Snail, are people to avoid in choosing your family! + +Now, the people to choose for your family party are, first, _the Reliable +Person_. I know one person who is a perfect tower of strength, she is full +of common sense: if you give her a commission she is sure to get the right +thing and to do it reasonably; she knows exactly what she paid, and she +tells you! If she undertakes to do a thing it is certain to be done in +good time; she does not wait till the very day the thing is wanted and +then find that it cannot be got. + +Now, _you_ often let yourselves do a stupid thing, or a forgetful thing, +and then say, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" and feel as if you had wiped it out. Not +at all! You have lost one chance of growing into a reliable woman. In all +your life you will only have a certain limited number of chances, and +should use every one you have--to be reliable is worth all the genius in +the world for comfort to others, and _you can each win this crown_ if you +care to do so. + +One other person I would choose if I were fated to have sisters, would be +the one who purrs when she is pleased. It takes all the colour and air out +of life when people gaze impassively at beautiful things, or hear lovely +things and never seem to have taken them in; or meet kindness and look as +if it was not there. You do not need to gush, but _do_ purr! + +And thirdly I want a magnanimous nature;--one that takes slights and +neglects in a large-minded way, and does not believe people meant them +and, if they _did_, does not fret: one who is serene when little things go +wrong, and does not fuss or worry: one who accepts generously as well as +gives generously, and who is keenly alive to people's good points and good +intentions. Little petty motives and small spites and jealousy die away +in the light of a nature like that. It keeps the family atmosphere sweet +and wholesome. + + * * * * * + +Now, my lessons are generally about the things that can be carried out at +home, or else about the beliefs that underlie them. You know that my +ambition for you is that you should go out into the world and lead the +ordinary small social life, but that you should live it in a great way and +bring great beliefs to bear on it. + +This is a special lesson--the last of all to some of you--the last in this +year to all of you. + +How long have you been at school, each of you? How many times have we come +together here, and thought over together, point after point, the things +that really matter to us? + +Week after week we are reminded by these talks to pull ourselves together, +first in one way, then in another, and I do believe we have all tried. + +Have the suggestions _I_ made and the Resolutions _we_ made, soaked into +our lives and altered the stuff of which we are made? That is the +Responsibility for _me_ who speak and for _you_ who hear: "To him that +knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin." + +A Bible lesson written for you and dwelling on your special life and +dangers is a more pointed reminder to you than a general sermon, and when +you leave you will not get these reminders: one is hardly ever spoken to +religiously after being grown up. It is no one's business afterwards (as +it is mine now) to speak to you. + +Therefore I want you always to keep some religious book on hand that is +likely to _speak_ to _you_. For instance, Bishop Wilkinson's books speak, +so do Dean Paget's and Law's "Serious Call," and "Christian Perfection." +Read a little of such a book every day, and a longer bit on Sunday. If you +only say your prayers and go to church, it is apt to become an outside +thing; you want stirring up! + +When you go out into the world you may drift into the ways of each +household you are with for the time being; whereas I want you to have your +own definite religious life, an inner life of rules and duties: dress like +other people, but keep a hair shirt underneath, as the Saints did. + +And when I talk about this and that piece of advice (advice which is often +worldly wisdom; for goodness and worldly wisdom are closely +allied),--always remember that I pre-suppose the life of prayer and rule +about which I so often speak--only _there_ can you gain strength to follow +such advice. + +But now (pre-supposing the inner religious life--the effort after the +Practice of the Presence of God)--what shall I pick out as practical +advice for a closing lesson to those who are going into the world? + +I.--Always _vote on the right side_ in conversation. + +Very often the lower side, or the _un_religious side in talk (or in +doings, such as not going to Church) is the easier side to take. It seems +obtrusive to show what you feel to be right; and very often the one who +takes the religious side is narrow-minded and tiresome compared to the +others. Goodness is very often tiresome, and non-religion broad-minded and +amusing. (Gallio is often a most attractive person!) It takes courage then +to side with the tiresome one, instead of saying something rather clever. +In youth one has a great horror of belonging to the tiresome side. +Cleverness counts for so much, and it is hard in early life to put +goodness first! One does not realize the beauty of the strength and +principle shown by the tiresome people, and it takes real principle to +show one's colours in ordinary talk. + +I once heard of an earnest religious girl who was asked to a pleasant +country house, and who thought she might lawfully take a holiday, as it +were, and be like other people while away from home; so she laughed and +talked with the rest and kept her real life to herself. On the last night, +a girl she had taken a fancy to came into her room, and, after a little +time, said, "It has been so nice meeting you, but I rather wish your +sister had come too." "But I have no sister." "Why, I have heard so much +of her, and of how good she is, and though you wouldn't think it, I have +been bothered about things lately, and when I heard your name, I thought +it was she who was coming here, and I planned to have a talk with +her:--you're awfully nice, but of course one wouldn't talk about those +things to you any more than to any of the rest of us." + +I leave you to fancy the resolutions that girl made, to show her colours +for the future! + +And then it does not seem to matter--no _harm_ is being said or done, +Gallio is generally an excellent person, and really "So-and-so" was +unnecessarily tiresome in raising the point; and then, again, one's +indolence bids one be quiet and vote neither way. + +But every vote on the right side counts; it alters the balance of the +general feeling, and probably helps some one looking on,--some one who +never let out that they needed or cared for any help. "Right!" has a big +battle to fight, and you and I are soldiers, and must stand to our guns. + +Have the courage to show that you like goodness. It makes a difference, +for no one ever tells an unkind story to a large-hearted woman, or a nasty +story to a nice-minded woman. + +If they tell either to you, it means an intuitive perception that you +enjoy it,--you bring out that side of them; if there is no response in +you, that side of them goes to sleep while they are with you. You create +your world in your own image, and are responsible for what is said to you, +as well as for what you say. + +II.--My second advice is: _Show your mother that you love her._ "In one's +whole life one can never have more than a single mother. You may think +this obvious.... You are a green gosling! I was at the same age as wise as +you, and yet never discovered this till it was too late."[3] + +Your mother will plan for you to go out and enjoy yourselves, and she +probably will not say that she is left alone by this or that arrangement; +but _you_ must think for her and protest against it, and see that she gets +amusement, and is talked to. + +I know girls who will leave their mother alone night after night, or sit +at home and never utter a word. _They_ do not think of it, and _she_ feels +left out. Even if she makes you go out, she will like your noticing and +thinking for her. I believe each daughter fails to realize in her own case +how much her mother values signs of the love which both know to be there. + +You may say, "My mother does not like a fuss!"--Very likely. But there are +ways and ways.--I do not believe any older person is ever anything but +pleased when their little pleasures are seen to be a matter of real +consideration to a younger one. I have watched so many mothers now that I +see it, but I myself used to let my affection be taken for granted. I see +now how much more pleasure I might have given, and I would give anything +if _you_ would do what they say is impossible--_i.e._ profit by some one +else's experience, and try to show your affection for your mother. She is +the only person to whom it is safe to fully express your affection. If you +feel strongly for any one else, expressing it is apt to lead you to be +silly, or sentimental, or wanting in self-control, but little loving ways +with your mother are quite different--they are always comforting to her +and good for you. Every one of an older generation is apt to feel that the +younger one does not want them; therefore express your affection doubly to +an elder compared to what is necessary or right, or wise to an equal, +_because by nature the elder does not quite believe in it!_ + +I dare say you are nevertheless thinking as I used to do. "One's mother is +quite different--_she_ knows I love her best." In a way that is true, but +all I have said is true too! + +III.--My third advice is: _Put some salt into every day_--the salt of +effort and self-denial. Go on with a book though it bores you. Go out for +a walk though you feel lazy. Finish some drawing or needlework, which you +would rather leave to begin something else. Make yourself do something +which you do not like, and which is useful. + +And I say to all of you, not only to the leaving ones: Do not lounge +through the day just because it is holidays. You are not a little child +who has to be made to do things: you are a sensible, reasonable being, who +wants to grow. You do not leave off eating for a month, you do not leave +off growing for a month; then do not leave off growing in other ways. Do +not be _worthless_ at any time. + +Some of you seem to think you will not have to give account of holidays to +God--_I_ think you will be more called to account for them, for then you +have a chance of showing your real stuff. + +And when you are grown up, and quite free, feel that you are still more +responsible. + +Enjoy yourself to the top of your bent, but see that each day you gain new +power to do what you ought, and what you make up your mind to do; and +remember that this power is only gained in the using--and dies out if we +do not use it. I shall be horribly disappointed if you do not gain this +power, and if you do not use it well, "to the Glory of God and the Relief +of Man's Estate." + +Be ambitious--be all you were meant to be; make the world different; be +generous--freely you have received, freely give. + +Some one said to me the other day, "Girls are younger nowadays, and they +go on being young till they are well through middle life. At sixteen we +had to look after other people, but they shirk responsibility, till women +of thirty are content to be like birds of the air, just amusing +themselves, and feeling no call to be of any serious use." + +I said, "Well, _I_ do not like to see even a girl of eighteen with no +_raison d'être_, 'living like a prize animal!'" + +Why were you born? God thought about you, and took trouble about you, and +has something you can do for Him. To exist beautifully is not enough! Have +you definite duties, which you stick to even though they bore you, _e.g._, +house duties, or reading aloud, or lessons with the younger ones? If not, +find some! + +Marcus Aurelius counted each day lost in which he could not at night look +back on something he had done for others. + +Jeremy Taylor, in the "Golden Grove," says:--"Suppose every day to be a +day of business: for your whole life is a race and a battle; a +merchandise, a journey. Every day propounds to yourself a rosary or +chaplet of works, to present to God at night." + +I have given you three pieces of advice-- + + I.--Vote on the right side in conversation. + II.--Show that you love your mother. + III.--Put salt into every day. + +I would end with one more. I take it from Saint Simon, that clever +on-looker at the Court of Louis XIV. whose memoirs are famous. His morning +greeting to himself was-- + +_"Get up, M. le Comte! you have great things to do to-day."_ + +You will all of you go out to lives that you _can_ make empty and +self-indulgent and narrow if you like; you _can_ shirk duties and eat +capriciously or intemperately, and lie in bed too long; you _can_ idle +about all day amusing yourself, and fill your mind with dress and gossip +and spite;--perhaps you would feel there was "no harm" in such a life! + +_No harm!_ I would rather hear you were dead than that you lived a life +like that! + +On the other hand, every day of your life you _can_ make the wings of your +soul grow by an honest bit of self-denial, by an honest bit of work for +others, by an honest bit of mental work. + +Every day you can be _more worth having_; there is not one of you here who +has not the power to make herself--and to _pray_ herself--into a noble, +dutiful woman. + +_"Get up, M. le Comte! you have great things to do to-day."_ + +[Footnote 3: Gray's Letters to W. Mann.] + + + + +A Friday Lesson. + + +Our course of lessons for this term brings us to-day to Jephthah's story; +to decide on the amount of blame due to the father is not a matter which +so nearly concerns us as to learn the lesson of true womanhood taught us +by the daughter. Hers was no blind obedience; her reason for sacrificing +herself gives us the true position of a woman as a helpmeet, and as a +helpmeet in the performance of public duty. "If thou hast opened thy mouth +unto the Lord"--her father must do his duty at all costs, and she will +help him to do it, even at the cost of her own life. The place of every +woman is to make duty possible and imperative for those about her--for +brother, sister, husband, friend. How many women keep their menkind back +from public duty by their fretfulness about the inconveniences entailed on +themselves? A clergyman or doctor has to face fatigue or infection,--a +citizen wishes to vote according to his conscience and against his +interest: how often a woman--wife, sister, or mother--puts expediency +before him, persuades him that "'second best' will do," instead of aiming +at "one equal temper of heroic hearts." + +Besides the love of her country and the sense of public duty, which shine +out in Jephthah's daughter, notice the plain lesson of simple obedience, +"That she subdued her to her Father's will." + +The ideal of obedience is less thought of now than in the "Ages of +Faith,"--perhaps, in one way, this is only a right development; but, +though obedience is a "young" stage of moral growth, it is a necessary +one,--mankind went through it, and each man or woman worth the name must +go through it even as our Lord Himself did. I recognize the strength, the +North-country virtue of "grit" in such independence and sturdiness as that +of the Yorkes in "Shirley," but the willing and reasonable obedience of a +strong nature seems to me still higher--it is a nobler attitude of mind to +feel, "I don't care whether I get my own way in this or that, or am my own +master; I want to be in touch with the larger, higher life around me," +that larger life of moral growth into which only a humble, teachable +nature can enter. The larger, stronger nature--the big dog--yields gladly +to its master; the small terrier nature loves to find an opportunity to +yap and snarl. There is nothing fine about the unreasoning instinct to +resent an order--it is rather the sign of a small nature. To take the +commonest instances, when you are told to go to bed, or to mend your +dress, or to put on a wrap, or to tidy your room, are you in any way a +finer nature if you dawdle and argue and resent the order? Nothing is so +small as self-sufficiency and self-centredness, whereas humility and +obedience are of the Nature of our Lord Himself, and every humble and +obedient soul is in communion with His Greatness. Dante's hierarchy of +heaven, "in order serviceable," in ordered ranks, culminating in God +Himself, gives us a feeling of harmonious greatness which is lacking in +the scattered units of his "Inferno." It was only ignoble greatness which +preferred to reign in Hell rather than serve in Heaven. + +It may be that, in the maturer stages of life, obedience ceases to be a +primary virtue. I am not at all clear when that mature stage begins,--but +all would admit, in theory, that a noble character must have obedience as +a foundation. I think it would help you if you could step outside your own +momentary irritation at being ordered to do this or that, and see how +unlovely it is to argue and stand on your rights and contest points. The +essence of good breeding is to give way to others; quite apart from the +consideration of the "Fifth Commandment," a thorough-bred person would +shudder at the rude tone of voice, the snappishness, the contentiousness, +the contradiction which many girls--otherwise "nice" girls--allow +themselves to show in speaking to their mothers. How many of you feel +quite guiltless on this score? I am afraid you would often have to blush +if a stranger, to whom you looked up, could hear the way you answer back +at home. + +You half feel as though it were "fine" not to be ordered about;--but the +"best" people in the Christian sense of the word, and the "best" people in +the worldly sense, inherit the feelings of the ages of chivalry, that, the +nobler a man was, the more deference and service he showed to others: +"_Ich dien_" is the motto of chivalry and worldly greatness.--"I am among +you as he that serveth" was the saying of Him Who, "though He were a Son," +"learnt obedience." For this next week, when you are tempted to answer +back--to be independent--to resent being ordered--remember how much more +beautiful, how much more noble, is a humble submissive temper, than the +miserably small ambition of being your own master. Do not be so +small-minded as to contest and resent authority. You sometimes hear a +servant say, "That's not my place," or "I won't be put upon." You never +hear a true lady speak in that temper,--and yet, is there any difference +in spirit between this tone which you would condemn, and your own way of +answering back? You cannot get out of bad habits all at once, but get +your ideal right, and you will grow to it. If you are not living in your +own family, and feel inclined to resent orders, remember the days of +chivalry, when all pages (often princes by birth) spent their youth +serving in other people's houses, and learning the motto of every true +knight, "I serve." + +And whether with strangers or at home, remember Him Who was subject unto +His parents, Him of Whom Jephthah's daughter was but a faint type. + + + + +A Home Art; or, Mothers and Daughters. + + Know your own work, and do it. + + +This is a simple sounding rule, but we all find practical difficulties in +following it. You have most of you lately left school, and I think the +difficulty of the first part of this saying must have struck some of you. +At school you knew your own work,--you had a certain time-table, you +walked with the crutches of routine; and when you left school and found +your day mostly at your own disposal, you learnt that a free life is far +more difficult, and therefore far nobler, than a life under direction. + +It was pleasant at first to be able to carry out your own fancies, but you +awoke after a while to the fact that you were not spending holidays but +living your real life; and then the thought must have come, if you had any +stuff in you, "I must anyhow live my life; am I living it nobly?" + +How can you live a noble life? Bacon gives us, perhaps, the best answer +when he says that "the end of all learning should be the Glory of God and +the Relief of Man's Estate." Shall this be the result of your school +learning? Others can speak to you from experience, as I cannot, of the +glory and happiness of a life spent in the Relief of Man's Estate: I would +speak to you of a preliminary stage of work for that relief, of some of +the difficulties which beset girls on first leaving school, and owing to +which so much noble aspiration and unselfish enthusiasm run to waste. + +I believe one of the main difficulties is _friction at home_; a difficulty +on which I the rather dwell because it is harder, for those who know you +personally, to speak of it without irritating you, or else criticizing +your home. How is this home difficulty met? Some meet it by leaving +home,--which reminds me of the minister who said in his sermon, "This is a +serious difficulty in our belief, my brethren; let us look it boldly in +the face,--and pass it by." Some lay themselves open to _Punch's_ attack, +when he depicts a girl saying, "Mamma has become quite blind now, and papa +is paralytic, and it makes the house so dull that I'm going to be a +hospital nurse." + +Many who are too clear-sighted to neglect home duties, yet leave this +difficulty unfaced, in that they look for all the pleasure of their life +outside home, and within that home allow themselves to live in an +atmosphere of friction and peevishness. The girl who does that has left +the riddle of home life unsolved: she was meant to wrestle with that +difficulty till she wrung from it the blessing, the peace which comes only +from self-conquest and acceptance of all the circumstances of her life. + +Have any of you the lurking thought, "I was born by no choice of my own: +those who brought me into the world owe duty to me, not I to them?" I have +known some say this, and I have known many act as if they thought it, and +I have known some who felt as if God had better work for them to do +outside home, and have either gone off to do it, or have chafed against +life because they could not go. It does seem to me that the present very +general eclipse of the old Roman virtue of filial piety lies at the root +of much of the unsound work, and of the undone work, of the present day. + +Know your own work, and do it. What is your work on leaving school? Is it +not to learn to fit into your home? At school, when you got your remove, +your duty was to get into the work of the new form, and to do it. You have +now been moved to higher and far more difficult work than any sixth form, +you are in the school of home. Are you learning its lessons, or are you +fretting for a remove? It may be you find life so easy and pleasant at +home that you feel any talk of its difficulties does not apply to you; it +is all play so far. But I know so many who feel this friction on leaving +school, that I am sure it must be the case with some of you. + +If any here fail to feel the debt they owe at home--the debt which God +enforced as next to the debt owed to Himself--let me remind them that the +whole instinct of mankind has responded to the appeal of parents; filial +piety has always been reverenced and held beautiful, and the hereditary +sense of mankind must be taken into account in deciding what is, or is +not, a virtue. But supposing I granted, for the sake of argument, that the +original debt was on your parents' side and not on yours, what then? You +remain as bound as ever to show them submission and devotion; all, in +short, that the old-fashioned believers in the Fifth Commandment thought +to be due from a daughter. If you are striving after a noble life you must +give all this,--if you owe allegiance to either the Christian ideal of +love or to the Pagan one of strength. "If a man love not his brother whom +he hath seen, how can he love God Whom he hath not seen?" and, equally, if +he love not his brother close at hand, how can he love brethren afar off? +It is a poor sort of love which lavishes itself on self-chosen and, +therefore, less irritating objects of charity, and is powerless to +influence the home atmosphere. It is a poor sort of strength which shrinks +from the hardest fight, from the conquest of self at home. + +Is not every right and wise piece of good work for others an attempt to +help them to train themselves to live a higher life? And can we dare to +put our hand to this plough while neglecting our own training? + +I was asked to speak to you about WORK, and you may think I am forgetting +this in dwelling on home life. Not at all; I am looking on home life not +as an end in itself, but as God's great training-school for His best +workers; as the special place for the development of those qualities which +are essential to all true and lasting work for "the Relief of Man's +Estate." + +I do not think I underrate the difficulties girls find; quite apart from +her own faults and weaknesses, a girl who leaves school and goes home has +probably three difficulties to contend with. + +First, the change from restraint to liberty, which is a difficult phase in +every life. Will you make it a change from "the rich bounties of +constraint" to self-restraint, which is better still; or will you let it +be a change to the weak lawlessness of a drifting life? If you would +respect yourselves, and be worthy to take part in the great battle between +good and evil, make and keep some rules for yourselves. Have a rule about +getting up in the morning and (almost equally important) about going to +bed at night; a rule against novels in the morning; a rule to read +something sensible every day. Make what rule you please, only keep it, or +you will never be more than a cumberer of the ground. Reading is the best +thing to save your life from being eaten away by trifles. The best +advisers say to a man taking a country living, "Read, read, read;" I say +to you, read doggedly; the snare of a free life is desultory reading. Make +any plan of stiff reading you like, and stick to it for one year, writing +out notes of what you read, and you will be fitter for real work if it +comes, as come it will. + +I dare say you find reading is cold work,--very few women really enjoy +knowledge for its own sake,--you are tempted to throw it up, and to drift +in an easy good-tempered way, which pleases the others much more than your +shutting yourself up to read. And the others are quite right in expecting +you, now school is over, to be a woman, "with a heart at leisure from +itself" and from self-improvement. One of the hardest home lessons for +some girls to learn is the power of sitting idle and chatting. They feel +it waste of time; they long to be doing something tangible; and yet a home +atmosphere is mainly the result of the mother having acquired the art of +leisure. You will be very unrestful house-mothers when your turn comes, +and very unsatisfactory daughters and sisters in the mean time, if you are +always at high pressure, and giving your family to understand that you +must not be spoken to! + +Too often the girl, who by dint of conscientious struggles keeps up real +study, gets out of touch with her surroundings, and sees the stream of +family confidences, and affections, and appeals for help and sympathy +flowing towards the easy-going sister, who makes no struggles of any kind. +Your great wish is to be a true woman, "with continual comfort in her +face." Are your books, and your self-discipline, and your time-table, only +a hindrance to this? Must you starve either head or heart? Why cannot you +seem outwardly at leisure, and yet live an inner life of thought and work? +It needs self-denial, forethought, economy of time, and that most +Christian grace of tact; but these are all attainable, all part of that +Wisdom which "orders all things sweetly and strongly," and which is the +rightful heritage of every true woman. Let no delusion about amiability +induce you to leave off reading and study, only be very discreet as to how +and when you do it. + +Let your time-table be a secret hair shirt, and not a red rag flaunted in +your family's face. But never give up reading and thinking, the keeping in +touch with abstract ideas. As long as you are young you can get on without +this, but, when the charm of youth deserts you, you will find life (and +others will find _you_) a blessing or a curse, according as you have +developed or starved your powers of mind. It may be that you find little +pleasure in your steady reading, and see no immediate results from it; +never mind, read on, lest you become in middle life one of those amiable, +empty-headed women who can give neither help, nor comfort, nor advice, +worth the taking. How many old maids, and young maids too, tied by home +duties, allowed their minds to get thin and empty: when, at last, they +were set free they were silly and inconsequent; no work requiring thought +and insight could be entrusted to them. + +The second difficulty which is felt by many comes from the new lights of +the day. At school, girls come in contact with varied ideals and +inspirations,--they drink new wine, and they go home to find that old +bottles are still used there. Very often this difficulty is greater in +proportion as a girl has rightly profited by school--in proportion as she +has been teachable and ready to assimilate good; she goes home with new +aspirations to be met by old prejudices--prejudices intensified by +half-loving jealousy of the alien influences of school. Are you to shut +your eyes to the new lights, and be as though you had never known them? +No, but do not keep one Commandment by breaking another. The First +Commandment is supreme, Thou shall have none other gods but Him Who is the +Truth; Truth must be obeyed at all costs, but if your truth-seeking +breaks the Fifth Commandment, it probably breaks the Second also, and the +principle you are obeying will turn out to be a graven image of God, and +not the voice of God Himself. Very grave doubt rests on any form of +goodness which is in opposition to your mother; it may be good for others, +but can scarcely be so for you. I know of a girl who got under High Church +influence at school, and who, in pursuit of spiritual good, gets +surreptitious High Church books and newspapers, under cover to a friend. +Another got under Low Church influence, and refuses to please her mother +by dressing prettily or going out. It seems to me that both girls read +their lesson backwards and neglect the weightier matters of the law, +truth, and obedience,--while they seek what is good in itself but not good +for them. Others persist in going to a church their mother disapproves +of,--they say they can get good at a musical church, and only irritation +and harm by going with her. I feel heartily for the trial of going to a +church they dislike, but surely conquering self or pleasing a mother is +good in itself, quite apart from the help given by the service; while, as +to the good derived from the musical church under those circumstances, I +doubt much if it comes down from the Father Who gave us the Fifth +Commandment. + +I should say, mistrust new lights which are a hindrance to old duties, +"For meek obedience too is Light." It is more likely that we should be +mistaken, than that a duty should cease to be binding. Let us take to +heart Cromwell's appeal to his Parliament, "I beseech you, my beloved +brethren, I beseech you by the mercies of Christ, to believe that you may +be mistaken." + +The third difficulty is that girls often fail to see that home life is one +of the "Home Arts," which requires training and practice as much as music +does. How much of our home life is set to music? How much of it sets all +harmony and rhythm at defiance? A true woman is + + "Like the keystone to an arch + That consummates all beauty: + She's like the music to a march + That sheds a joy on duty." + +Do you make your father forget his bothers when he comes in from his +business? Do you give your mother a share in your interests? Does your +brother look forward to his time at home, instead of thinking it a bore? +No one has such power over your brothers as you have: you can do more than +any one to give them high ideals: how many a brother, who has fallen to +the stable-yard level of company, might have been held up if his sister +had used her wits and tact to make herself as agreeable to him as she does +to other people! + +Sometimes it is not selfishness which makes home life a failure, but the +not having + + "among least things, + An undersense of greatest." + +A girl tries to live nobly at home and fails: she is not enough wanted, +her mother is not blind, and does not want to be deposed from +housekeeping; her father is not paralytic, and only wants her to play to +him in the evening; life seems choked by tiny interruptions, such as doing +the flowers, or writing notes, and she sinks into a placid or unplacid +drudge--the aspirations with which she left school have died out. + +Need this be? If she went into a sisterhood or a hospital, the tiny +details would all be glorified by the halo which surrounds a vocation; it +would all be part of a saintly life. Why is home not felt to be a +vocation? Why cannot a girl welcome some tiresome commission or fidgeting +rule of her mother's, as much as if it were imposed by some Mother +Superior? Ought not the trifling duties to be fuel to her burning desire +for her nobleness of life, instead of dust to choke it? You can make them +which you will. + +Girls often say, "I have nothing to do, worth doing, at home; I want to go +and do some real work;" and they sometimes have the face to say this, +while they are still as full of faults as when they left school, and when +every hour of the day, at home, brings with it an opportunity of +conquering some fault. + +Are you ready for real work? Can you take criticism or contradiction with +a perfectly unruffled face and voice? Do you overcome your hindrances to +usefulness at home, _e.g._ do you improve your handwriting so that your +mother need not be ashamed to let you write for her? Do you help her +tactfully and consentingly--the only help which rests people--or do you +argue each point, so that it is far less trouble to do the thing twice +over than to ask you? Are you prompt and alert in your movements, or do +you indulge in that exasperating slowness, which some girls seem to +consider quite a charm? Do you wait till the last minute, and then +leisurely put on your things, with serene unconsciousness of the fret it +is to every one's temper? If you want to see how unthoroughbred such a +habit looks, read "Shirley," and study the character of Mr. Donne, the +curate, who flatters himself that he enhances his importance by keeping +the others waiting while he complacently finishes his tea. + +Do you lay down the law. Do you allow yourself the tone of positive, +almost dictatorial, assertion, which, coming from a girl, so sets an +old-fashioned person's teeth on edge; or do you try to speak in the +tentative, suggestive, inquiring tone, which is not only required by good +manners, but is also a real help to humility of mind? + +Do not say that these things are too simple and obvious to bear on your +future work for the Relief of Man's Estate,--on Work with a big W. They +are of the very essence of the formation of character, and your Work for +others stands or falls by that. + +The sanctifying influence of home-life lies mainly in its necessity, its +obviousness,--in the fact of our remaining unprofitable servants after we +have done our best. It is the school in which we are placed by God; we are +_bound_ to learn its lessons, and do its duties: there is no halo of +self-sacrifice around it--the position rightly viewed gives us no choice. +"I must,"--_there_ is the sting, the irksomeness to us. We can submit +cheerfully to our self-chosen Pope, and seem most sweet-tempered in +bearing criticism and in doing tiresome duties,--the "I must" is not +there. This wilful obedience is worth just nothing as discipline of +character, compared with obedience to our lawful authorities; "Ay, there's +the rub!" + +Is not this very necessity in home life--this "I must"--just the thing +which makes it akin to our Lord's life? Is there not in that Holiest Life +a continual undercurrent of "I must"? His earthly life was a course of +obedience, not a succession of self-willed efforts; its keynote was, "Wist +ye not that I _must_ be about My Father's business?" + + + + +Esprit de Corps. + + +While I was away, I was present at a discussion on _Esprit de Corps_, and +whether it was a good thing in girls' schools. What is _esprit de +corps_?--The feeling that we are one of a large body of which we are +proud. A soldier has it when he is proud of his regiment and is proud of +belonging to it. + +Now, is it good or bad for girls to have a strong feeling of this kind for +their school? Many opinions were expressed at the meeting. My opinion is +that it is a good thing--a necessary thing. But every virtue has its +defect--if you overdo it, you fall into some fault; if you are too +amiable, you may fall into being untruthful; and so with _esprit de +corps_. I want you to have it, but I want you to be on your guard against +some faults connected with it. I want our School to be full of it, but I +want it to be of the best kind. + +One fault very common in members of any large body is conceit. The feeling +of belonging to a fine institution swallows up personal humility. You may +be more occupied with the importance and dignity of your position, than +ready to take home the idea that you yourself are a very faulty member! +Margaret Fuller, a clever American friend of Emerson's, said, "There are +so many things in the universe more interesting than my individual faults, +that I really cannot stay to dwell on them." There is one form of +conceit--or rather of self-satisfaction--to which schoolgirls are liable: +they know they are living up to the average standard imposed by public +opinion and _esprit de corps_, and they are satisfied with this, instead +of trying to live up to their own best self. It is quite possible for any +straightforward, honourable girl to live up to the average standard, and +it is very comfortable to feel satisfied. But if you are trying to live up +to the highest standard you know, you will not be comfortable--you will be +always profoundly discontented with yourself, but it will be the Divine +discontent Plato speaks of. You will be always failing, but it will be +failing nobly--the failure of one who loves the highest, and is content to +follow the highest, even though it be afar off. In King Arthur's court, +the noblest knights went in search of the Sangreal--scarcely one could +succeed in his quest, but it was nobler to aim high and fail than to be +content with "low successes." We, too, ought each to follow the quest of +the Sangreal, that is, to seek to be perfect, and then there is no room +for self-satisfaction, far less conceit. + +Sometimes _esprit de corps_ not only makes us think a great deal of our +own merits, but it also makes us blind to the merits of others. We need +only put this into words, to see its smallness, but it often happens. Some +people's patriotism seems to consist in despising the French and Germans. +No one values true patriotism more than I do, but I detest +"insularity"--that insufferable feeling of superiority of which English +people are so often guilty. We ought to love our own school, or hall, or +college; but it is a poor, low kind of love if it means despising other +schools, or halls, or colleges, picking holes in them, refusing to learn +from them, and being mere partisans. A soldier would be proud of his own +regiment, and think it the finest there was, but he would admire the +splendid history that other regiments could boast, and he would be glad +and proud of the fact that there were so many fine ones. All good schools +belong to a splendid brotherhood--a grand army--and they should be proud +of each other. We can be just as true and loyal to our own, and yet have +wide feelings. _Esprit de corps_--loyalty to our body--is a very splendid +thing, and we degrade it when we turn it into mere clannishness; it ought +to bring out our love for all that is good, just as love for home ought +to make us love outsiders better. + +I have spoken of the faults of _esprit de corps_--do not think that means +I do not value it. No; a thousand times, no! If we had no _esprit de +corps_ we should not be a living body, but a dead, stagnant mass, only fit +to be swept away. What is true _esprit de corps_? My idea of it is, being +content to sink all personal interests--being content to be as he that +doth serve--being glad and proud to fill the smallest post, if so be that, +by filling that post in the most perfect way, you can help on the +perfection of the school to which you belong. I was talking to some one +the other day about the community to which she belongs, and where she +holds a leading place. "Of course, I would black the shoes," said she, "if +it would help the work in the very least, and so would any one who was +worth their salt." I quite agree with her, and I would not give much for +any work in which that was not the feeling of the workers, from the +highest to the lowest: that is the only true _esprit de corps_. + +Some say women are incapable of such a masculine virtue--that women cannot +put their private feelings in their pocket and act in subordination to the +good of the whole--that they cannot sink their self-importance and their +petty jealousies--that they cannot suppress themselves for a cause. +Schools like ours have done a great deal for the mental education of +women. I think they will do something more valuable still if they show +that through their public education women can learn true public spirit, +that school teaches true _esprit de corps_--that it teaches them to seek +the beauty of being second, instead of the glory of being first. + +In acting or recitations, could you be glad to take a minor part to help +on the whole, or would you be huffy and cross-grained because your powers +were not brought to the front? In the Wagner music at Baireuth, the +singers take the good parts in turn, and the best prima donna, as Kundry +in "Parzival," in one whole act has only one word. Think of the +self-suppression needed for one who has such talent, to be content to act +in such a piece and to put her full power into the dumb by-play, which is +all that she has to do. + +_Esprit de corps_ is _the_ virtue above all others which we, as members of +this school, should seek to attain, and, in the very nature of things, +nothing so entirely kills it as any self-seeking; while if you wish to be +worth anything as an individual, remember that nothing is so smallening, +so alien to any true greatness--to the most far-off touch of greatness--as +the wish to be Number One. + +_Esprit de corps_, to my mind, means that we all stand shoulder to +shoulder, loving our school, helping each other; doing our duty in home +and school, and in after-life, more perfectly, because we are proud of our +school and mean to be worthy members, so far as in us lies; helping others +because "our advantages are trusts for the good of others." Remember our +school motto, "Ad Lucem," and, because you have been brought nearer to the +light, help to be sunshine in all shady places. And while you are at +school, have the _esprit de corps_ which will make you do everything you +can, for the good and credit of the school. + +For one thing, be careful to get it a good name outside. "Manners are not +idle"--people are quite right when they judge a school, as they largely +do, by its manners. If girls are really growing as they should in +gentleness, courtesy, reverence for age, and all that makes true +womanhood, it must tell on their manners, and if they are not doing so, +their school is not doing for them what it should. If you have real +_esprit de corps,_ you will not give people who are prejudiced against us, +any reason to think ill of our School in this respect. + +Another point of true _esprit de corps_ concerns those who have +power--whether as prefect, or VI. form, or head of a form, or through +being popular. Power was given you that you might do more work for +others--you are made a chief in order that you may be as he that serveth; +privilege means responsibility--not enjoyment. There is nothing so mean as +to take the loaves and fishes of any post, and not to do its duties; to +order others about, and to be lax with yourselves. A ruler is contemptible +who does not rule himself. Whether we are teacher, or prefect, or head of +a form, or a leader in any way, it ought to make us hot, and sore, and +ashamed, in exercising our rightful rule over others, whenever we are +conscious (as we must all be at times) that we have failed in ruling +ourselves--failed in temper,--failed in carrying out minutely, every law, +great or small, that we help to enforce on others. _Esprit de corps_ will +make us use our power for the good of the school and not for our own +pleasure. + +_Esprit de corps_ means being ready to give time and trouble to all school +interests--without any thought of whether you will have a leading part +given you, or of whether it is very amusing to do it. You would be +unworthy members of the school if you simply came to do your lessons, and +took no part in the little things which make corporate life go with a +swing. You might as well think you were worthy members of your home +because you ate and slept there. Membership in a home means being ready to +take part in all its little tiresome duties; to throw yourself into +amusements which sometimes do not amuse you personally; in all ways to +help on family life. The girl who distinguishes herself in the tennis is +thought a good public-spirited member, and so she is,--she helps the +school and shows _esprit de corps_,--but, to my mind, the girl who fags +well at the match, and gets small thanks and no credit, shows even more +_esprit de corps_ than the one who has the excitement of distinguishing +both herself and the school. + +The clever girl who wins prizes and scholarships, helps our school to +shine, and no one applauds her more than I do, but in my heart, I feel +that the school owes even more to the dull plodding girl, who knows she +cannot do much, but who determines to give her very best to the school, +and to be worthy of it by giving no scamped work. Perhaps she gets low +marks, perhaps she is told she ought to do better,--and quite rightly, +because we want her to rise to give really good work, and are not +satisfied till she does; but whether it is good or not, if it is her +_best_, she has fought a good battle for the school, and has "helped to +maintain the high standard of duty which was founded in the school by its +first and beloved head-mistress--Ada Benson." + + + + +Rough Notes of a Lesson. + + +I hope to start a new lesson for some of you, and I have gathered you all +here to-day, whether you will be able to come to it or not, because, in +thinking over what I wished to say about this one lesson, I found I was +led into describing what I should like all lessons to do for you. My new +lesson will be a talk on various things in which you are, or ought to be, +interested. I have tried this plan before, and have sometimes been laughed +at for having such miscellaneous lessons, but I found their effect very +good. I had a spare half-hour in the week, which I gave to this Talking +Lesson. + +Once I took Dante, and after a sketch of his life and of Florence, we went +through the "Inferno;" I read the famous parts in full and told the story +of the rest, and now many of those children who listened feel, when they +come on anything about Dante, as if they had met an old friend. + +Then I happened to go to Yorkshire and saw several of its lovely abbeys: +I came back with a craze for architecture, so I and the girls did that +together. Neither they, nor I, imagine that we understand architecture, or +are authorities on it; but though we only took the barest outline, it made +us all use our eyes and enjoy old buildings. I often get letters from +those girls, saying that they have since enjoyed their travels so much +more, because they now notice the architecture. You know the story of +"Eyes and No Eyes"--how two boys went out for a walk--one saw nothing to +notice, and the other found his way lined with interesting things. I am +sure, architecturally, your way is lined with beauty in Oxford, which +deserves both outward and "inward eyes." + +Another time we took the French writers of Louis XIV. and we all feel that +Molière and La Fontaine and Mme. de Sevigné are our personal friends, so +that the value of their books is doubled to us! + +We took mythology at one time, and many girls found that they understood, +much better, allusions in books and various pictures in the Academy, which +are often about mythological subjects. Ignorance on this point may +sometimes be very awkward. I have heard of an American lady who invited +her artistic friends to come and see a picture she had lately bought of +"Jupiter and Ten." The friends puzzled over her notes of invitation, and, +on arriving at her house, were still more puzzled to know how to pass off +the mistake gracefully, when they found that the picture was one of +"Jupiter and Io." I trust you will not cause your friends embarrassment of +this kind! + +Another time we took the history of Queen Victoria, as our way of +celebrating the Jubilee patriotically. We began by all collecting as much +patriotic poetry as we could, which was surprisingly little--I wonder if +you would find more--and, all through, we made a special point of finding +poems written about any of the events. We found _Punch_ a valuable +assistance, and we much enjoyed the cartoons and jokes which had been so +mysterious to us before. Just that part of history which is not in +"Bright," and which, yet, is before our time, is so very hard to find out +about, and many allusions in the newspapers and parliamentary speeches are +consequently wasted on us. + +Now, all this was miscellaneous, yet I had one object running through it +all, and the girls helped me to carry it out by listening in the right +spirit, knowing that I was only pointing out the various doors through +which they might go by-and-by. Not one of them thought she had "done" a +subject because we had thus talked about it,--we all learnt to feel our +own ignorance, and at the same time, how much there was in the world to +learn. + +I want to show you this morning where such a lesson should fit in, in the +general plan of your education. To do that, you must first have the plan. +Have you ever thought what education was to do for you, or, are you +learning your lessons, day by day, just because they are set? I know what +I want to do with you, but I cannot do it unless you work hand-in-hand +with me, and you cannot do that unless you think about the matter and +realize that, for instance, Euclid is not only Euclid, it ought to teach +certain mental and moral qualities which you must have if you are ever to +be worth your salt. There is a story of Dr. Johnson, which seems to me to +apply to so many things. When his friend, Mr. Thrale, the great brewer, +died, there was a sale of the brewery, which Dr. Johnson attended. An +acquaintance expressed surprise at the great man's honouring with his +presence such an ordinary affair as the sale of a brewery. "Sir," said Dr. +Johnson, turning with crushing deliberation on the unhappy speaker, "this +is not the sale of a mere brewery, but of the potentiality of growing rich +beyond the dreams of avarice." This story seems to me well worth +remembering, both because it is so characteristic of the Doctor, and +because it is applicable to so many things. It is so easy to go through +the world not seeing the importance of things, like the common people in +"Phantasies," who never saw what a fairyland they lived in. Lessons, for +instance, are not mere lessons, they are "the potentiality of growing rich +in wisdom and in goodness beyond our highest dreams." + +I should be sorry if, in after life, you should wake up and say to +yourself, "How much more good my lessons would have done me if some one +had shown me the real use of them and made me think, so that I might have +learnt all I could, instead of just slipping through them day by day." No +one can do the thinking for you. Unless you work with me by trying to +think, I cannot really do much for you. I can bring you to the water, but +I cannot make you drink. Yes, after all, I _can_ make you drink, _i.e._ do +your lessons day by day as a matter of obedience. So a better illustration +would be that I can make you eat, but I cannot make you digest your food. +You can prevent its doing you any good. If you simply learn your lessons +by rote and do not use your thinking powers, education is very little +good,--the obedience will have done you good, but, as far as mental growth +is concerned, you will not gain much, for that sort of education drops +off, like water off a duck's back, when you leave school. They say "a fool +and his money are soon parted," but that is nothing to the speed with +which a fool and his education are parted! + +Now, I am going to take the chief subjects you learn, and show the higher +things which I want you to gain when you are doing those lessons, and +_you_ must want it too, or my wanting it will not do much good. You do not +learn Mathematics simply that you may know so many books of Euclid, and so +many pages of Algebra; it is to give you power over your minds, to enable +you to follow a chain of reasoning, to teach you to keep up continuous +attention, and not to jump at conclusions. I do not say you cannot learn +these things except by Mathematics; you might do it by Logic, and I know +many people who have done it by mother-wit and the teaching of life; but +when a person is inclined to trust to his mother-wit, and to neglect +educational advantages because he can do without them, I for one feel +inclined to doubt whether his share of mother-wit can be very large, after +all. The people I have known who are clever, without having had the +careful school-training you enjoy, used all the advantages that came in +their way (though, when they were young, advantages were fewer), and +unless you do the same, you cannot expect to be like them. Also, clever +untrained people often feel very much hampered by their want of training; +you see the cleverness, but they feel how much more they could have done +if they had been trained. Therefore, do not allow yourselves to think +"Euclid is no good, because 'Aunt So-and-so' is quite clever enough, and +she never did it;" depend upon it, that is not going the right road to be +like her. I feel quite sure that if this "not impossible aunt" had had +opportunities of learning Euclid when she was young, she would have done +it, and very well too! Of course, if you mean to read Mathematics from +choice by-and-by, you will work hard at the subject now, but I can quite +understand that those who are not going to do this, perhaps sometimes +feel, "What is the good? I shall never look at a Euclid again after I +leave school--I want to learn how to hold my own in after-life,--I want to +be able to talk when I come out,--I want to be a sensible woman, whose +opinion will be asked by other people,--I want to be clever at house-work +or cooking, or to be able to manage a shop,--I want to be strong enough +and wise enough to be a support and comfort to others,--I want to be a +useful woman and not a mathematician!" Well! that is just what I want you +to be, but I am quite sure that Mathematics will help you to this, by +making you accurate and reasonable and attentive, without which qualities +you will be no use and very little comfort. If you work hard at +Mathematics while you are here, and gain these qualities, you have my free +leave to shut your Euclid for good on the day you leave school,--you will +have learnt his best lessons. + +Is there any great mental good which you can gain by the study of +Languages, quite apart from the advantage of being able to read and speak +when you go abroad? Yes; it enlarges your mind to know the various ways in +which things are expressed by different nations. A person who knows no +language but his own is like a man who can only see with one eye. It opens +a whole new world of thought to realize that other nations have other +words. + +Again, it makes you know your own language. Translation gives you choice +of words and trains you to appreciate delicate shades of meaning; this +helps you to appreciate Poetry, for one of the main beauties of great +poets, such as Milton and Tennyson, is their marvellous perception of +shades of difference, and the felicity with which they choose exactly the +right adjective! + +It is said that barbarous tribes use a very small vocabulary; I sometimes +fear we may be going back to a savage state, when I think of the +vocabulary of a modern schoolgirl, and see how much ground is covered over +with these two narrow words, "awfully" and "jolly." Hannah More +complained, in her day, of the indiscriminate use of the word "nice." +"Formerly," she says, "a person was 'charming,' or 'accomplished,' or +'distinguished,' or 'well-bred,' or 'talented,' etc., and each word had +its own shade of meaning; now, every one is 'nice,' which saves much +thought." "Nice" held its position, for we find Miss Austen making Henry +Tilney laugh at the same misuse of the word. "Awfully" and "jolly" seem to +perform the same kind office for us which "nice" did for our +grandmothers,--they "save us much thought," and are used with a large +disregard of their inappropriateness; I have even been told by a girl that +the _Christian Year_ was "such an awfully jolly book"! Now, I am sure of +this: you will find excessive use of those two words always betokens an +empty, or rather an uncultivated, mind. I do not believe in any exception; +their votaries may have learning, but they have not digested it, they are +not thoughtful, they are "young (or old) barbarians," for it is the +unfailing mark of a cultivated mind, to use the right word in the right +place, and never "to use a sixpenny word when a threepenny one will do." + +History should not be bare facts; it illustrates and explains politics of +our own day; it teaches sympathy and large-mindedness, and the power of +admiring virtues which are not of our own type. The Royalist learns to see +the strength of Cromwell, and the Roundhead to see the beauty of "the +White King." It ought to make the world bigger to us by helping us to +realize other places and other times. If we are to live quiet stay-at-home +lives afterwards, it is very important that we should try not to be narrow +and "provincial," and history and geography should help us in this +matter. + +Poetry in the same way helps to make us imaginative, which is necessary, +if we are to have the Christian graces of tact and sympathy. It is very +important to learn the best poetry by heart; it is dull perhaps at first, +but new meanings unfold themselves every time we say it. Mr. Ruskin says +we ought to read a few verses every day, as we should do with the Bible, +to keep our lives from getting choked with commonplace dust, to remind us +that the Ideal exists. It certainly puts new beauty into life if we know +what poets have said about it, and how they expressed themselves, and this +might save us from unworthy expression. I have heard an intelligent +schoolgirl, looking at a glorious sunset, say concisely, "How awfully +jolly!" I have heard a schoolboy say, "How rum!" I believe they were both +touched, but I think they would have expressed themselves differently and +have got more pleasure out of it if they had been taught to see, by having +it reflected from poets and painters, and had known more of "the best that +has been thought and said." + +There was so much I wanted to say that it is difficult to stop. I have +given only general ideas, but bear in mind--as the main point of what I +have said--that I want you to educate yourselves, to get ready for life, +and to use your lessons here to bring out those qualities which you will +want afterwards in everyday life. + +Now, how will such general lessons help you in after-life? + +First, I want them to help you to be interested in the things you will +meet with in books and newspapers and conversation; you will not hear much +about some lessons, but you will about these things--they are things that +it "becomes a young woman to know." + +Then, too, I want you to leave school with introductions to all sorts of +nice people in books; you will find it do you as much good as social +introductions. Schoolgirls are often "out of it" for a time, when they go +home, because they had only "lesson-book" interests; I should like to +begin outside interests with you. + +Also, this kind of general interest makes the world seem bigger and more +interesting; we get an idea of how many delightful things there are in it, +and so our pleasures are increased, which is always a great advantage. +Happiness is a duty, and sensible interests are a wonderful help to it. + +Touching on many interests shows us our ignorance. I have known +schoolgirls, who were kept to their lessons, Algebra and Latin and periods +of History, and who thought they knew a good deal, because they measured +by a schoolroom standard. When they came in contact with the number of +things that cultivated people of society care for and appreciate, they +learnt a good deal of humility. Certainly the more I read on general +subjects the more I feel my own ignorance, and I think it would be very +odd if it did not have the same effect on you. + +The next reason for this sort of lesson, and one of the best, is that it +ought to raise our taste. It is not enough to like or dislike a book: we +ought to train ourselves to like the best books. We do not think ourselves +born judges in music or art; we submit to being trained before we think +our opinion worth giving. It would be just so with a book, but you often +hear girls quite sorry for the author if they find a book dull; they feel +he is to blame! When I find an author dull, whom good critics admire, I +feel pretty sure that I am deficient on that point, and I try to learn to +see in him what they do. I speak from experience; when I found Wordsworth +dull, I knew it was my own fault, and I read and re-read him, and listened +to those who could appreciate him, and now I am rewarded by his being a +real part of the pleasures of my life. We need not leave off liking the +merely pretty writers, such as Miss Procter and Longfellow. I love +Longfellow and admire Miss Procter, but I cared for them both quite as +much when I was seven, and an author who can be in some measure +appreciated at seven ought to give way to deeper authors by-and-by. Like +Guinevere, it is our duty "to love the highest." The great good of +cultivated homes is that we learn to "put away childish things" and to +admire the better things which we hear talked of. Some of you may not have +this advantage; your people may be too busy for talking about books and +such things, and some of you may be cut off from interesting talks by +having school lessons to prepare when you would like to listen. Therefore, +I should like you to get some talk in school on such subjects--to spend +some "Half-hours with the best Authors." + + + + +Holidays. + + +"Where shall we spend the holidays?" has doubtless been discussed in many +households, by both parents and children,--I wonder if the children +followed it up by a still more important question, "_How_ shall I spend +the holidays?" Just at the close of a term you will not want me to suggest +anything that is like lessons, but at the same time I do not see why you +should spend seven weeks in idleness and novel-reading, any more than you +would live for seven weeks on puddings and sweets. You like plenty of +sweets, and I hope you will get them, but I hope you will have meat as +well! + +There are many books which are not novels, and which you would yet +enjoy,--books which would send you back more thoughtful; and though you +might not know any one lesson better next term because of having read +them, yet you would be a step nearer to being the sort of women you would +like to be. I dare say when you go for your holiday you will get something +to read at the station bookstall. Now, several of the books I mean can be +got there, as easily as yellow novels, and can be got for the price of +_Punch_; they are so small you could have them in your pocket and get them +read in odds and ends of time, out-of-doors, so that you need not miss any +expedition, or any fresh air, through staying in the house to study. In +the same way you could get some really good poem for a penny, and learn it +by heart. Nothing would please me so much as if you all brought me next +term the name of some book you had read, of this kind, and repeated to me +a poem of the sort that you think I should like--which very likely is not +the sort _you_ like, as yet. It would do you good, whether you enjoyed it +or not, for you would be teaching yourselves to like the better kind of +books if you persevered with it, and your holidays would be pleasanter, as +well as better, if there was some effort of this kind to give backbone to +each day. Cooks say there should be a pinch of salt in everything you eat, +and I am sure we ought to have a pinch of the moral salt of self-conquest +in each day, just to keep it sweet and good. + +Perhaps you will think I am always wanting you to read, and you would like +to remind me that there are many other commendable pursuits. I certainly +am rather of the opinion Lowell expresses in "Democracy." He says, +"Southey, in his walk one stormy day, met an old woman, to whom, by way +of greeting, he made the rather obvious remark that it was dreadful +weather. She answered, philosophically, that, in her opinion, 'any sort of +weather was better than none!'" I should be half inclined to say that any +reading was better than none. + +Yet you are quite right about those other pursuits, and I hope you will +follow them; but at the same time, if you have not already got a taste for +reading, it is the most important of all tastes for you to strive to +acquire, as it is very doubtful if you will manage otherwise to do so in +later life. I should pity you terribly if you failed to acquire it, for +you will all find life hard in one way or another, and you will find that +a love of reading is even more valuable than a sense of humour in helping +you over rough places. And--over and above the minor, more "worldly" +support of its power of amusing and interesting you, even in the most "set +grey life"--it is linked to those higher helps, without which, neither +reading nor anything else will do us much good. St. Hugh of Lincoln made +much of good books because he said they "made illness and sorrow +endurable," and, besides this, they save you from many temptations. It has +been well said, "It is very hard for a person who does not like reading to +talk without sinning.... Reading hinders castle-building, which is an +inward disease, wholly incompatible with devotion.... Towards afternoon a +person who has nothing to do drifts rapidly away from God. To sit down in +a chair without an object is to jump into a thicket of temptation. A +vacant hour is always the devil's hour. Then a book is a strong tower, +nay, a very church, with angels lurking among the leaves." + +But although I must allow reading to be my special hobby,--one, however, +which is run very hard in my affections by both cooking and +gardening,--still I quite appreciate other hobbies, and I should be quite +as much pleased next term if, instead of telling me about books read and +bringing me a piece of poetry learnt (by-the-by, I do very much wish you +would all learn Wordsworth's "Ode to Duty" during the holidays)--if, +instead of this, you showed me collections of wild flowers or shells. A +little time ago I saw a charming book of dried flowers, collected by a set +of children just out of a kindergarten. Each flower had a page to itself, +with its name neatly written, and any extra local names which it happened +to possess. On the opposite page was written any verses of poetry that the +children could find about it; and I was quite surprised to see what a good +collection they had of bits from Tennyson and Shakespeare and Wordsworth, +etc. Of course, the older sisters and the mothers must have helped them in +this part, but such a book, made in the holidays, would be the work of +the whole family, so you would have plenty of help; and you will notice +that the poetical part of it is a special attraction to me, as it affords +exercise to my own hobby both in reading and in verifying quotations. + +I think I had better here give you warning that when you come back next +term every one will have to write an essay, describing some one place they +have been to during the holidays. I tell you now, that you may try to find +out all you can of the real interest of the place; its historical, or +legendary, or literary associations, or its flowers, or shells, or +fossils. + +There is one other point of holiday-making on which I should like to talk +to you. Some of you may have read Charles Lamb's amusing essay on "Popular +Fallacies;" I suppose every one could add to his list from their own +experience of life. One of the popular fallacies I should like to combat +is, that "holidays are 'the children's hour;'" though I quite allow that, +like most popular fallacies, it has many grains of truth in it. The little +victims consider that conscientious application to grammar and history +deserves a compensating course of lying in bed in the morning, sitting up +late at night, and general indulgence, with every right-minded member of +the household waiting upon them, and making plans for their amusement. +Now, I quite see their side of the question. It is not pleasant, day +after day, to go on steadily with work, which you do not happen to care +for; to be cut off from this or that expedition, because lessons +interfere; to have to get up early every morning; to lose this or that +visit;--and, therefore, I hope your holidays may be full of fun, and that +you may be richly rewarded for any struggles you may have made during the +term. + +But there is another side of it all, and _term-time_ is "the children's +hour," from one point of view. + +Instead of the term being, for children, a time of self-denial, and the +holidays, a time of well-earned self-indulgence,--I feel that term-time +means self-denial for the parents, and selfishness for the children. Do +not misunderstand me; the selfishness which I mean is forced upon you,--it +is your duty, in term-time, to put lessons first. It may very well be that +some of you feel you were wrongly selfish in your way of doing it,--that +you allowed school work and school interests to blind you to the helpful +things you might have done at home without any injury to the lessons. I +occasionally hear such things as, that school is "so bad for girls, +because So-and-so gets so engrossed with her work that she is irritable +when any demand is made on her time, and is deep in her books when any +demand is made on her sympathies; and when she is not studying, she and +her school friends are running in and out of each other's houses, so that +her mother might as well have no daughter at all." I do beg that none of +you will bring this discredit on school life, for the system gets blamed +when it is really your individual shortcoming which is in fault; you ought +to be big enough to hold both school and home interests! But, setting +aside this form of term-time selfishness, which we shall all agree to +condemn, there remains another form of it, which is a duty. You must put +lessons first, or you will be wasting both your parents' money and that +leisure for self-improvement, which, as a rule, is only granted to us +while we are young. You are not free, yet, to be as useful at home as you +would like to be; your mother has to do without a daughter, to a large +extent, or to avail herself of one with the uncomfortable feeling that the +daughter is losing valuable time thereby, and probably is considering +herself a martyr in having to do unscholastic duties. I dare say the +daughter feels, "It isn't to please myself that I slave at my lessons; +mother would be vexed if I didn't; and it's very hard that I should be +both hindered in them and made to do other things as well,--it's quite bad +enough in term-time to have to fag at lessons." But just consider, for a +moment, this "fagging at lessons:" _you_ feel that in so doing you are +making a concession to your mother, for which she ought to show unbounded +gratitude by all manner of sweetmeats in the holidays. But who profits by +these lessons,--your mother, who denies herself many a small luxury to be +able to pay for them, or you, who are being fitted by them to take a good +place in after-life? It seems to me that the gratitude and the sweatmeats +ought to flow from you to her; I quite see the force of it, if any girl +feels what I have just described,--I flatter myself I generally do see the +force of my victim's complaints; but it does not do my victim much good, +because I generally also see the force of something else, which is of +superior importance, but which the victim, very likely, will not see till +she is older. + +If you have read that pearl of stories, "Cranford," you will remember how +Mrs. Jenkyns, to avoid explaining things to the small Deborah, "took to +stirring the fire or sending the 'forrard' child on an errand." Now, +unlike Mrs. Jenkyns, I believe in explaining my views to the "forrard" +children, as I think the superiority of girls over boys consists in the +remarkably early age at which girls begin to be reasonable! After +expressing such a high opinion of you, I hope you will all prove me right, +by seeing the truth that underlies the theory I am putting before you, +which I am sure you will all be inclined to reckon as a fallacy! + +There is no need for me to dwell on the desirability of holidays being +made pleasant for _you_--fathers and mothers are only too ready to do it; +but there is a need for somebody to dwell on the desirability of holidays +being made pleasant for fathers and mothers. They are too unselfish +generally to speak for themselves, especially in holiday time. I hear them +saying, in deprecation of my hard-heartedness, "Oh, let the poor children +have a good time! they can only be young once; they work hard at school, +let them have a little fun in the holidays." I quite agree: I believe in +as much fun as you can get: I should like to be able to insist as sternly +on your all enjoying yourselves in the holidays, as I should on your +working in term-time. There was a great deal of sound wisdom in that +Eastern potentate, who proclaimed a general holiday, adding, "Make merry, +my children, make merry; he who does not make merry will be flogged!" + +At the same time, much as I care for your having fun, I do not see why +"fun" should mean upsetting all the household arrangements, and doubling +the servants' work, by your late hours in the morning; at all events, +after the first few mornings, when perhaps it is only natural you should +wish to feel your liberty. But sooner or later you will have to learn that +liberty, for reasonable beings, only means being free to forge your own +chains,--being free to make such rules as you know are necessary, if you +are to live a wholesome, health-giving life. Being late for prayers is +hardly a form of self-government which we should admire in the abstract, +though it is very tempting in practice; and keeping your mother waiting +for her breakfast, or else letting her have a solitary meal, is hardly a +good way of being that domestic sunbeam which schoolgirls are supposed to +have time to be,--in holidays! + +Holidays are sometimes spent in incessant excursions with young friends, +leaving your mother at home to look after the little ones; and yet, +perhaps, your mother had a very dull time of it in term-time, when you +were either at work, and could not be spoken to, or were busy over school +gossip with some friend, and, perhaps, she looked forward to the holidays +as a time when she would get a little companionship from the daughter for +whom she makes so many sacrifices. But she is too unselfish to be the +least drag upon you; so she asks a school friend to stay with you, and, +somehow, always has a good reason for really wanting not to join the +expedition, and takes the younger ones off your hands with an air of its +being almost self-indulgence on her part to do it. But, all the same, +whatever she says, mothers like going about too, and, even if they do not, +they like to feel that their presence makes part of their daughter's +pleasure in the holiday pleasurings. You may think it very hard-hearted +and mistaken of me to suppose that you would be so selfish with your +mother, but I have, often and often, seen it done, and I feel like a +little boy I know, who can hardly speak yet, but who is evidently born to +be a general redresser of wrongs,--he is very quickly struck by any +instance of the folly and injustice of the world, and his favourite remark +is, "_Somebody_ ought to tell them; why shouldn't I?" Now, _somebody_ +ought to say this about mothers, and the mothers who do the unselfish +things are the last people who will ever remind you that they, too, have +feelings, so I will usurp that little boy's office, and tell you myself, +for I am quite sure that, if it ever struck you, you would be shocked at +doing it, but, + + "Evil is wrought by want of thought, + As well as want of heart." + +However, I do not intend to make this my closing quotation, as I am sure +my children will have plenty of both heart and thought, and that they will +shed around them a full supply of that sunshine which the weather seems so +determined to deny us! I suppose we must allow, with Southey's old woman, +that "any weather is better than none," but it is incontestable that we +seem likely to have every opportunity afforded us, during these holidays, +at all events, of + + "Making a sunshine in a _shady_ place." + + + + +Sunday. + + +In many ways this is a disquieting age in which to live, and yet it is +also markedly hopeful. It is true that the power of authority and of +custom is crumbling on many sides, but surely this should lead to the +laying of deeper and truer foundations. In this very question of Sunday, +the Fourth Commandment used to settle the question, whereas now we +investigate its origins and claims in a way which sounds rebellious and +unfilial. Yet it may be nearer the mind of Christ than unthinking +obedience, for the servant accepts with blind obedience this or that rule +spoken by his master; the friend, the son, strives to understand "his +father's innermost mind." He may or may not be convinced that certain +words spoken on Mount Sinai, about the Jewish Sabbath, were intended to +refer to the Christian Sunday; but, in either case, he realizes the nature +of the spiritual life, and perceives that worship and thought and time are +essential to it. He sees that the old Jewish rule tends to develop this +spiritual life, and therefore, until he finds a better way, he feels it +morally binding on himself; not because it was a Jewish rule, but because +it assists his own growth. + +Suppose a master admired a bed of lilies and said, "Let me always find +some here;" if a landslip destroyed that bed, a slave might feel absolved +from further trouble about lilies, but the son would say, "No; we can give +my father what he wants by growing them elsewhere--it was not so much the +bed, as the lilies, that he really cared for." + +God will look in us for the lilies of peace and spiritual-mindedness, +which only grow where there is what the old Babylonians called "a Sabbath +of the heart." Are we to feel absolved from responding to His demand +because old Jewish ways have vanished? When St. Paul speaks so slightingly +of "times and seasons and Sabbaths," does he mean that the worship and +meditation belonging to such seasons were valueless? No; he is rather +saying, "How can you think that our Father values, not the lilies, but +only the fact of their growing on this or that bit of earth?" + +Every day, landslips are altering the features of God's great garden--this +present world. We can no longer rely on definite instructions to plant in +this or that place; many circumstances, as yet unborn, may hinder it. But +we must get it well into our minds that the Master will certainly come +down into His garden to ask for lilies, and that we must plant without +delay; tools and methods may be improved upon, certain aspects which are +now favourable may be deprived of sun by future buildings, but let us +clearly realize that the end and object of having a garden is to grow +flowers, though ways and means may vary with the times. + +It is much easier to follow rules than to be inspired with the burning +desire to produce flowers and the moral thoughtfulness which uses the best +methods of the day. + +But you can less well afford to do without moral thoughtfulness now than +you could have done a generation ago. Thirty years ago a woman's path was +hedged in by signposts and by-laws, and danger-signals, to which she +attended as a matter of course; to-day, she has to find her way across a +moorland with uncertain tracks, which she may desert at will. She needs to +know something of the stars to guide her now--she needs nobler and deeper +teaching than in the days of convenances and chaperons. + +At present you have your home ways to guide, but you will find Sunday vary +in almost every house you stay in, and when you marry you will have to set +the tone of a household; if you are to keep Sunday rightly in the future, +you must learn now to value it rightly, and that means moral +thoughtfulness,--a realization of our need of an inner life and of what +that inner life requires for its sustenance, and an appreciation of the +teaching of the Church Catechism, which tells us that our duty to God +begins with Worship. + +What can we say as to the positive duty of keeping Sunday? We can hardly +say we are literally bound by the Jewish Sabbath, since, for Jewish +Christians, the Sabbath and Sunday existed for some time side by side, as +separate institutions; Sunday being a day of united worship, while the +Sabbath supplied retirement from the world. + +Gentiles kept Sunday only; but gradually there were incorporated into it +all the spiritual elements of the Sabbath. In this point, as in all +others, the underlying eternal meaning of the Law was recoined and +reissued by Christianity; no jot or tittle of its spirit passed away. + +In "The English Sunday,"[4] by Canon Bernard, you will find a short sketch +of the history of the day; its universal acceptance through the decree of +Constantine, which organized the popular custom of a weekly holiday; the +resistance of Luther and Calvin to any idea of being bound by the Jewish +Sabbath; the Anglican idea of Church Services combined with the Book of +Sports; the Puritan idea of a day of retirement from worldly business and +amusement; and, finally, the gradual acceptance of this last idea by the +English national conscience, so that High Churchmen, like Law and Nelson, +echoed the Puritan ideal, and the average business Englishman accepted it +as the right thing. + +I am convinced that the vigour of the nation and the health of our own +souls depends on keeping Sunday,--not only by going to Church, but by so +arranging it that we get into an unworldly atmosphere, and have leisure +for the thought and reading which develop our spiritual nature. + +Such a Sunday is the development of the Fourth Commandment, keeping it in +the spirit though not in the letter. + +I am inclined to think that the Fourth Commandment is the most important +of all: if that is faithfully observed--if we spend due time in God's +Presence looking at things as He does, judging ourselves by His +standard--then the rest of our lives must in time get raised to the level +of those "golden hours;" we are as certain to improve as a person who +regularly goes up into bracing air is certain to grow stronger. + +Bishop Wordsworth's hymn suggests the highest lines on which to take the +subject, and I would ask, are you specially careful to come to breakfast +full of sunshine on Sunday mornings, as on a "day of rest and gladness"? +Is it a cooling fountain to you? Do you soak yourself enough in good +thoughts to be more soothed and peaceful than you were on Saturday? Was +last Sunday a Pisgah's mountain?--did you cast so much as a glance at the +promised Land, at what will make the true joy of Heaven, the being like +Christ? did you seriously think over where you were unlike Him and where +you could be more like Him in the coming week? "New graces ever +gaining:"--did you gain any grace at all last Sunday--or would this week +have been exactly the same if Sunday had been wiped out? Make up a prayer, +for Saturday's use, on the ideas in this hymn, or use the hymn in your +prayers, as inspiration on Saturday night and as self-examination on +Sunday night. + +Sunday should, as the Warden of Keble says, be a day of new plans for +using the coming week better than we did the last, and this implies quiet +time for thoughtfully considering both the past and the coming week. On +Sunday we should breathe different air and see weekday vexations from a +Sunday point of view. + +Our Sunday reading may well include all that is referred to in Phil. iv. +8: "Whatsoever things are noble." I would not say this or that book is +wrong on Sunday--a book which is good on Saturday does not become bad on +Sunday, but, as is the case with many excellent weekday employments, it +may very well be a misuse of Sunday time, because we could be doing +something better. I strongly advise you to make your Sunday books--and as +far as possible all your Sunday habits--different from those of the week, +if only to give yourself a chance of getting out of grooves, of getting +that complete change of air which is so conducive to a new start in one's +inner life and mental vigour. Lord Lawrence's Life would be splendid +Sunday reading, but if you are reading it in the week, you would be wise +to put it away on Sunday in favour of a change of air. + +It is quite possible that you are busy on Sunday, sometimes a father or +brothers, hard at work all the week, want you to amuse them on Sunday. Or +you may be busy with Sunday-school or Classes, which equally prevents the +personal keeping of Sunday, while many household arrangements may make an +old-fashioned Sunday impossible. (Let those who can have it be thankful +instead of rebelling at its dulness!) + +At the same time, I would suggest that the very young men for whose sake +you are making the sacrifice--(the sacrifice of doing things which amuse +you as much as them, sometimes more, since a young man occasionally likes +to lie in a hammock and read, without having the girls always +about)--those very young men need Sunday quiet whether they desire it or +not. + +Would it not be well also, if you do have games, to keep to those which +allow of talk if the impulse comes, since a Sunday talk is often a help, +and whether or no it is combined with boating or golf. + +I do not say to you, stand out against household ways and make yourself +disagreeable by carrying out a Puritan Sunday--the only kind I believe in. +No; surely that would be a very unchristlike way of spending Sunday. + +But every girl knows the difference between helping to make a pleasant +family circle and lounging idly through the day in self-indulgent gossip +and games. You must do what others do, and yet you must have a clear plan +of the reading and prayer and thinking which is right for you personally. +If you cannot do it at one time on Sunday, find another, or else get it +done on Saturday. Nearly every one could find time for Sunday duties, only +you would rather not, because they are dull. I am not surprised, it is not +natural to like them till the spiritual nature is alive in you, but that +will never be until you force yourself to take this spiritual food as a +duty, or rather, as essential to your life. + + "A Sabbath well spent + Brings a week of content + And strength for the toils of the morrow." + +Those are very old words by Sir Matthew Hale: I know them framed in the +hall of an old-fashioned country house, and they bring back to me rest and +quiet, and sweet sounds and scents--the bowl of roses and the pretty old +chintz on the sofa just under the words. + +I hope Sunday-like Sundays are not only to be found in old houses, but we +all feel that Sunday quiet is likely to be the first thing sacrificed in +the rush and bustle of modern life. But if we have no time to eat, we +cannot keep up to working pitch, we lose vitality: if we have no time for +spiritual food, our souls lose vitality, and unfortunately starvation of +the soul is a painless process, so we may unconsciously be getting weaker +and weaker spiritually. + +You are regularly on your knees night and morning, but are you ever two +minutes alone with God?--and yet "being silent to God"--alone with +Him--is, humanly speaking, the only condition on which He can "mould +us."[5] I am so afraid that the lawful pleasures and even the commanded +duties of life, let alone its excitements and cravings, will eat out your +possibilities of spirituality and saintliness: it is so easy to float on +the stream of life with others--so terribly hard to come, you yourself, +alone into a desert place to listen to those words out of the mouth of +God, by which only your individual life can be fed. The self-denials of +Lent are comparatively easy, but to gain that quietness, which Bishop Gore +says is "the essence of Lent," is a hard struggle at all times of the +year. Do not let any one think, "this is all very well for quiet homes, +but I cannot be expected to act on it, since 'the week-end' is always so +busy." It would be very unpractical to say, day after day, "I cannot be +expected, for this and that excellent reason, to eat my dinner to-day." +You would soon find it advisable, for your own sake, to find some time at +which you _could_ eat. I do not say, though it would be true, "it is a sin +to break the Sabbath, and, in order to avoid God's anger, you must go to +Church and read good books;"--I say, "for your own sake, you _cannot +afford_ to neglect these things, and if you cannot find time on Sunday, it +will be not only a crime but a blunder if you do not make time on Saturday +or Monday." I only say, "if you do not eat enough to keep you alive, you +will die; and if you do not feed on the Word of God, your soul will +shrivel away." + +Dante saw some souls in hell whose bodies were still alive on +earth,--their friends in Florence and Lucca had not the faintest idea that +these men, seemingly a part of everyday life, were, all the time, "dead +souls." There is hardly a more terrible idea in all that terrible book, +and yet it is a possibility in our own daily life--this atrophy of the +spiritual nature, corresponding to the atrophy of the poetical nature +which Darwin noted in himself as due to his own neglect. Mr. Clifford, in +"A Likely Story," forcibly depicts a soul awaking in the next world to +find that through this unconscious starvation, there was no longer +anything in him to correspond with God. "The possibility of death is +involved in our Lord's words about the power of living by the Word of +God." + +Sometimes we are too tired to keep Sunday properly, and we give to +"private sloth the time which was meant for public worship;" but surely +then the Sabbath breaking lay really in the week's excess of work. If we +allow ourselves to live so hard in the week, to be so late on Saturday, +that we are sleepy and stupid on Sunday morning, then we are not keeping +the Fourth Commandment, even if we force ourselves to go to Church; we are +not serving God with a fair share of our mind and strength. + +In these over-worked days of nerve exhaustion, it should be an inducement +to remember how fresh and unwearied Mr. Gladstone was kept by his regular +Sunday habits. He said, "Sunday I reserve for religious employments, and +this has kept me alive and well, even to a marvel, in time of considerable +labour. We are born on each Lord's day morning into a new climate, where +the lungs and heart of the Christian life should drink in continuously the +vital air." + +Retreats and Rest-cures are nowadays found to be imperatively necessary; +but are not both symptoms of something over-wrought in our system? Would +it not be well for some if they tried, as Miss Wordsworth suggests, the +effect of keeping one Sunday in the week? + +I do not wish to dwell on the unselfish side of the question--the moral +obligation of keeping to those forms of entertainment and games which give +as little trouble as possible to servants,--I am sure that needs no +enforcing on a generous mind. + +Neither do I wish to discuss what employments are suitable for Sunday, +though I should like to draw your attention to a suggestion, in the Bishop +of Salisbury's Guild Manual, that Sunday letters should always, as a +matter of principle, have some Sunday element in them, and that we should +refrain from writing to people with whom we were not on this footing. How +often our Sunday letters only clear our writing-table, that it may be +freer for Monday's business! + +Neither do I speak of our duty to God in the matter of worship, nor of the +definite rules as to church-going which each must make for herself, if her +religion is not to vary with every house she stays in; I do not speak of +the obligation binding on every member of the Church to conform to her +Church's regulations as to united worship. Every one of these points need +a chapter to itself, and I wish to keep to a single point which seems in +great danger of being neglected in this hurrying age, when there is such +terrible likelihood that we may "never once possess our souls before we +die." + +It is not the duty of keeping Sunday on which I want to lay stress, but +the fact that we dare not, for our own safety's sake, neglect it. Our +moral thoughtfulness, our spiritual growth, the very existence of our +inner life, depends on our obtaining a sufficient supply of the air of +Heaven to keep our souls alive. To use Dean Church's words: "On the way in +which we spend our Sundays depends, for most of us, the depth, the +reality, the steadiness, of our spiritual life." + +[Footnote 4: Methuen. 1_s. 6d._] + +[Footnote 5: "Be silent to God, and let Him mould thee."--Ps. xxxvii. 7.] + + + + +Friendship and Love. + + "The fountains of my hidden life + Are through thy friendship fair." + + +No word in our language has a nobler meaning than "friendship;" it is a +pity that none is more often abused. Every hasty intimacy formed by force +of circumstances--often merely by force of living next door--is dignified +with the title; but a deeper bond is needed to make a real friendship. "By +true friendship," says Jeremy Taylor, "I mean the greatest love, and the +greatest usefulness, and the most open communication, and the noblest +suffering, and the most exemplary faithfulness, and the severest truth, +and the heartiest counsel, and the greatest union of minds of which brave +men and women are capable." + +"Friendship is the perfection of love," says the Proverb, and a certain +James Colebrooke and Mary his wife, buried in Chilham churchyard, seem to +have been of this mind, for the climax of their long epitaph is, that they +"lived for forty-seven years in the greatest friendship." + +Proverbs on this subject abound, and teach varied lessons: "A faithful +friend is the medicine of life;" but it would seem to act differently on +different constitutions, for, on the one hand, we are told, "a Father is a +Treasure, a Brother is a Comforter, a Friend is both;" on the other, we +hear the familiar exclamation, "Save me from my friends!" which is +justified by experience from the times of Aristides downwards, and is +endorsed by Solomon, when he said, "He that blesseth his friend with a +loud voice rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to +him;"--words of which the wisdom will be felt by all who know what it is +to feel unreasoning prejudice against some unoffending person, solely +because of the excessive praise of some injudicious friend. Yet none the +less are we bound to defend our friends behind their backs and to set them +in a fair light. If we cannot aspire generally to St. Theresa's title of +"Advocate of the Absent," honour demands that we should at least earn it +with regard to our friends: though it requires infinite tact to avoid +making your friend fatiguing, if not distasteful, to your listener in so +doing. For Tact, as well as Honour, is a necessary condition of +friendship, in speaking both of, and to, your friend. In this matter of +tact, Courtesy covers a large part of the ground. + + "We have careful thought for the stranger, + And smiles for the some time guest, + But we grieve our own + With look and tone, + Though we love our own the best." + +This applies most to brothers and sisters, but also to friends; it takes +the delicate edge from friendship if we think ourselves absolved from the +minor courtesies of manner and speech. + +We often say pretty things to an acquaintance, and omit them to a friend, +"because she knows us, and we need not be ceremonious." But ceremony is +not half such a bad thing as this age seems to think; it may be overdone, +but so may its opposite. Why should we not give our friend the pleasure of +this or that acknowledgment of her powers, which a stranger would give +her, but which she would value far more from us, even though she "knows we +know" it? Saying those things makes the wheels of life's chariot run +smoothly,--we think them, why are we so slow to say them? Why should "the +privilege of a friend" be synonymous with a cutting remark? Why should we +all have reason to feel that "friend" might, without any violation of +truth, be substituted for the last word in that acute remark on the "fine +frankness about unpleasant truths which marks the relative"? Well might +Bob Jakes say, "Lor, miss, it's a fine thing to hev' a dumb brute fond o' +yer! it sticks to yer and makes no jaw." This question of making no "jaw" +is rather a vexed one. Most people's experience would lead them to attend +to a canny Dutch proverb, which observes that a "friend's" faults may be +noticed but not blamed: since the consequences of blaming them are mostly +unpleasant; but a braver proverb says, "A true friend dares sometimes +venture to be offensive;" and we read that it is our duty to "admonish a +friend; it may be that he hath not said it, and, if he have, that he speak +it not again." But this earnest remonstrance which is sometimes required +of us is very different from the small, nagging, and somewhat impertinent +criticisms which pass so freely between many friends. But defending an +absent friend is not the only point of honour essential in true +friendship. At the present time the Roman virtues seem somewhat at a +discount,--they are suspected of a flavour of Paganism; it is more in +accordance with the Genius of our Age to show our interest in our friend +by talking over his moral and spiritual condition (and _par parenthèse_, +all his other affairs) with a sympathizing circle, than to heed the +old-fashioned idea, "He that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the +matter." How often do we hear, "I wouldn't, for the world, tell any one +but you, but--;" and then follows a string of repeated confidences which +the friend under discussion would writhe to hear; yet the speaker would be +most indignant at being considered dishonourable, because "it was only +said to So-and-so, which is _so_ different from saying it to any one +else"! The Son of Sirach made no exception in favour of "So-and-so" when +he said, "Rehearse not unto another that which is told unto thee, and thou +shall fare never the worse." If it be true of a wife, that "a silent and +loving woman is a gift of the Lord," I am sure it is no less so of a +friend; in friendship, as in most relations of life, silence, in its +season, is a cardinal virtue. + +Girls are often tempted to retail their family affairs to some chosen +friend, from a love of confidential mysteries; the pleasure of being a +martyr leads not only to the communication of moving details of home life, +but frequently to their invention. A friend of mine adopted a niece, who +afterwards married and wrote from India asking her aunt to look through +and burn her old letters. My friend found touching pictures of home +tyranny in the letters from school friends and answers to similar +complaints, which the niece had evidently written about her own treatment +and since forgotten; possibly the home circles of the other girls would +have found the same difficulty that my friend did in recognizing +themselves: + + "Portrayed with sooty garb and features swarth." + +Equal with Honour, and before Tact, among the conditions of Friendship, I +would place Truth, for there can be no union without this for a basis. We +have touched already on the truth involved in what is called being +"faithful" to a friend, but there are many other kinds required. Passing +over the more obvious of these, I would draw attention to the subtler form +of untruth, involved in endowing your friend with imaginary gifts and +graces. + +Yet the more we know of a true friend, the more we find to reverence in +him, and the more ground for humility in ourselves: "Have a quick eye to +see" their virtues; nay, more, idealize those virtues as much as you will, +for this is a very different thing from endowing them with those they have +not; this is only learning to see with that divine insight essential to +the highest truth in friendship. "There is a perfect ideal," says Ruskin, +"to be wrought out of every human face around us," and so it is with our +friends' characters. + +And when we have found that ideal and true self, we must be loyal to +it--loyal to our friends against their lower selves as well as against +their detractors. Plutarch says, "The influence of a true friend is felt +in the help that he gives the noble part of nature; nothing that is weak +or poor meets with encouragement from him. While the flatterer fans every +spark of suspicion, envy, or grudge, he may be described in the verse of +Sophocles as 'sharing the love and not the hatred of the person he cares +for.'" Such a bit as that makes us forget the centuries which have rolled +between us and Plutarch; his temptations are ours--how much easier it is +to us to please our friends by sympathizing with their feelings, whether +that feeling be right or wrong! How much pleasanter it is to us to gratify +our selfish affection by giving them what they want, as Wentworth did King +Charles, than to brace them to endure hardness for the sake of others! + +We are so apt to give and to ask for weakening consolation. Sympathy in +the ordinary use of the term is more weakening than anything, and it is +pleasant to give and to take. + +But sympathy should be like bracing air: "no friendship is worth the name +which does not inspire new and stronger views of duty." We all care to be +sons of consolation,--let us see to it that we brace others instead of +giving mere pity. We all like to be pitied, but in our heart we are more +grateful to the friend who puts fresh spring into us, by what perhaps +seems hard common sense. Those are the friends whose memory comes back to +us when circumstances, or years, or distance, have drifted us far apart. + +The friend who fed the weaker part of us never gets from us the same +genuine affection with real stuff in it. How much easier it is to +sympathize with our friends' unreasonable vexation--to join in their +uncharitable speeches, or in laughing at something we ought not to laugh +at, than to brace them + + "to welcome each rebuff + That turns earth's smoothness rough, + each sting that bids nor sit nor stand, but go!" + +We find it very hard, almost impossible, to live always up to our own +best self, and we may be quite sure our friends do too, whether they talk +about it or not, and our duty, as a friend, is to see their best self and +help them to be it. Very often the mere fact of knowing that our friend +sees our nobler nature, and believes in it, heartens us to keep faith in +it and to go on striving after it. "Edward Irving unconsciously elevated +every man he talked with into the ideal man he ought to have been; and +went about the world making men noble by believing them to be so." + +It rests with each of us to draw out the better part in others; we all +know people with whom we are at our best, and we have failed in our Duty +to our Neighbour if we do not make others feel this with us. "Each soul is +in some other's presence quite discrowned;" let the reverse be true where +we are. + +It is a terrible thought that we have perhaps made others less noble, less +pure, less conscientious, than they would have been. We can never repair +the harm we do to one who loses faith in our goodness,--he inevitably +loses some part of his faith in goodness itself. "Much of our lives is +spent in marring our own influence," says George Eliot, "and turning +others' belief in us into a widely concluding unbelief, which they call +knowledge of the world, but which is really disappointment in you or me." + +Nobody, who has not watched or felt it, knows the laming of all spiritual +energy, the hardening, the blighting of all noble impulse which comes from +this sort of knowledge of the world; and who can say that he has never +(more or less) been thus guilty?--it is more truly blood-guiltiness than +anything else, for it helps to murder souls. + +Perhaps the greatest of the innumerable blessings which friendship confers +on the character, lies in this fostering of moral thoughtfulness produced +by its responsibilities: "I know not a more serious thing than the +responsibility incurred by all human affection. Only think of this: +whoever loves you is growing like you; neither you nor he can hinder it, +save at the cost of alienation. Oh, if you are grateful for but one +creature's love, rise to the height of so pure a blessing--drag them not +down by the very embrace with which they cling to you, but through their +gentleness ensure their consecration."[6] + +It needs a noble nature to be capable of friendship, or rather a nature +which has carefully trained itself by discipline and self-denial, so as to +develop all the possibilities of nobleness which were latent in it. + +God gives each of us a nature with "pulses of nobleness," and it rests +with us whether this shall grow, or be choked by the commonplace part of +us. To be noble does not come without trouble. Good things are hard, and +"noble growths are slow."[7] + +He who would be noble must go through life like Hercules and the old +heroes, working hard for others; not troubling about personal comfort and +amusement, but practised in going without when he _could_ have,--for the +sake of better things. + +To be noble means having your impulses under control, and this most +especially where your affections are concerned. + +Do you want to help others to go right in life? I need not ask, for every +generous nature would care to do that, even if she did not care much about +her own soul. + +Now, you will not do much by direct effort, but you will do an immense +deal by conquering your own besetting sin. In the "Hallowing of Work," +Bishop Paget says, "Increased skill and experience and ability are great +gifts in working for others, but they do not _compare_ with the power +gained by conquering one fault of our own." + +Friendship can be the most beautiful thing in the world: it can be the +silliest thing in the world. It can be the most lowering: it can be the +most ennobling. Nothing excites so much laughter and hard speaking in the +world as "schoolgirl friendships;" as often as not they are found among +older people, but schoolgirls have given a name to this particular kind of +folly, so it behooves schoolgirls to keep clear of it, and to deprive the +name of its point. + +But can you help being sentimental if you are made like that? Some are of +good wholesome stuff, with an innate distaste for everything of the kind, +while to some it is their besetting sin. + +You can at least take precautions; for instance, do not day-dream about +your friend,--brooding over the thought of her weakens your fibre more +than being with her. + +Make a rule of life for yourself about your intercourse; walk and talk +with her more than with others, but at the same time sandwich those walks +and talks by going with other friends,--it is a great pity to narrow your +circle of possible friends by being absorbed in one person. + +Do not write sentimental letters, and, finally, do not sit in your +friend's pocket and say "Darling." (If you wish to know how it sounds, +read "A Bad Habit," by Mrs. Ewing.) + +I must confess that I believe in what is so often jeered at as "kindred +souls." Love is not measured by time; often we are truer friends through +some half-hour's talk, in which we saw another's real self, than through +years of ordinary meeting. But this is so different from the folly I speak +of, that I need not dwell on it; except to say that you will be spared +many disappointments if you are content with the fact that such moments of +sympathy have been, and do not look to have a permanent friendship on that +basis. When people draw the veil aside for a minute they generally put it +back closer than ever, and do not like to be reminded of the +self-revelation. + +In the foolish friendships that make so much unhappiness, half the folly +lies in expecting the other person to be always at high-water mark, and in +being fretful and reproachful when she is not. + +But to return to "schoolgirl friendships." When you go out into society +you may perhaps want to make private jokes among your friends, or to talk +privately to them instead of helping in general conversation, and you may +feel "I have nothing much to contribute to the general stock; why +shouldn't I enjoy myself? it's very hard I should be so severely +criticized for bad manners if I do." But if you look into any such matter, +you are sure to find that bad manners are bad Christianity. There is a +want of self-restraint in this schoolgirlishness; and you ought not to be +able to pick out a pair of great friends in general society, not merely +because, if you could, it would show them to be absurd and underbred, but +because it would mean that others were made to feel "left out." Have you +ever had some violent friendship--or laughed at it in others--which meant +running in and out of each other's houses at all hours--being +inseparable--quoting your friend, till your brothers exclaimed at her very +name--and making all your family feel that they ranked nowhere in +comparison with her? In this matter of home and friends conflicting, I +quite see the point of view of some: "My family don't give me the sympathy +and help that my friend does--they always tease or scold if I come to them +in a difficulty, and yet they are vexed and jealous when I find a friend +who can and will help." + +I do not say, Cut yourself off from your friend,--she is sent by God to +help you; but, Remember to feel for your Mother;--see how natural and +loving her jealousy is, and spare it by constant tact--instead of being a +martyr, feel that it is _she_, and not _you_, who is ill-used. And in all +ways, never let outside affections interfere with home ones. It is the +great difference between them, that outside, self-chosen affections burn +all the stronger for repression and self-restraint; while home ones burn +stronger for each act of attention to them and expression of them; _e.g._ +postponing a visit to a friend for a walk with a brother will make both +loves stronger, and _vice versâ_,--and your friendship will last all the +longer because you consume your own smoke. Dr. Carpenter says that signs +of love wear out the feeling;--every now and then they strengthen it, but +their frequency shows weakness. Friendships are God-given ties when they +are real, but inseparable ones are mostly only follies;--anyhow, family +ties are the most God-given of all, and friendship should help us to +fulfil family claims better, instead of making us neglect them. The best +test of whether your love for an outside person is of the right kind, is, +does it make you pleasanter at home? Mr. Lowell mentions an epitaph in the +neighbourhood of Boston, which recorded the name and date of a wife and +mother, adding simply, "She was so pleasant." + +We realize that we ought to make the world better than we find it, but we +do not realize how much more we should succeed in doing so if we made it +brighter,--a task which is in everybody's power. We are all ready to bear +pain for others, but we overlook the little ways in which we might give +pleasure. "Always say a kind word if you can," says Helps, "if only that +it may come in perhaps with a singular opportuneness, entering some +mournful man's darkened room, like a beautiful firefly, whose happy +circumvolutions he cannot but watch, forgetting his many troubles." + +And there is one tiny little suggestion I would make to you, so small it +will not fit on to any of my larger headings. Do not make fun of your +friend's little mishaps, little stupidities, losing her luggage, having +said the wrong thing, or having a black on her face when she especially +wished to look well! Your remark may be witty, but it does not really +amuse the victim. I know it is very good for people to be chaffed, and I +do not wish them to lose this wholesome bracing. And yet we have a special +clinging to some tactful friends who never let us feel foolish. + +Another test you should apply to Friendship is, does it lead to idle +words? Every one likes talking about their neighbours, and dress, and +amusement, but we need to be careful that kindliness and nice-mindedness +are not sacrificed, and that all our interests are not on that level. Many +think that a woman's interest can rise no higher, and many girls and many +women give colour to what you and I think a slander on us! We all like +these things, but we all like higher things too, and we need to encourage +the higher part of us because it so soon dies away. You know better than I +do how much of your own talk may be silly chatter--or worse--flippant or +wrong talk, which you would stop if an older person were by. I have heard +High Schools strongly objected to because they made the girls so full of +gossip, about what this or that teacher said, or what some girl did, till +their people hated the very name of school. If school friends talk much +school gossip, they must weaken their minds and feel at a loss when out +of their school set. It is very "provincial" to have no conversation +except the small gossip which would bore a stranger, and yet I fear many +friends confine themselves to a kind of talk which unfits them for general +society. You prohibit "talking shop," by which you sometimes mean subjects +which are interesting to all intelligent people, and yet you talk +gossiping "shop" about the mere accidents of school life. But, unless you +interweave thoughtful interests and sensible topics of conversation with +your friendship, it cannot last. There must be the tie of a common higher +interest--it may be a common work, or intellectual sympathy, or, best of +all, oneness in the highest things--but without this a mere personal fancy +will not stand the monotony, much less the rubs and jars, of close +intimacy. A friendship, where the personal affection is the deepest +feeling, is not a deep love, or of a high kind;--we must in the widest +sense love "honour more." "Love is a primary affection in those who love +little: a secondary one in those who love much" (Coleridge). + +A stool must have three legs if it is to support you, and two friends want +a third interest to unite them, or the friendship will die away in +unreasonable claims and jealousies; since "claimativeness" is the evil +genius which haunts friendship, unless common sense and wholesome +interests are at hand to help. It is difficult, but necessary, to learn +that affection is not a matter of will, except in family ties; that our +friends love us in exact proportion as we appear to them lovable, that +"the less you claim, the more you will have," as the Duke of Wellington +said of authority. A very little humility would wonderfully lessen our +demands upon our friends' affections, and a very little wisdom would +preserve us from trying to win them by reproaches. How many coolnesses +would be avoided could we learn to see that friendship, like all other +relations of life, has more duties than rights. Nothing so certainly kills +love as reproaches; I do not believe any affection will stand it. Our hurt +feelings may seem to us tenderness and depth of feeling, but they are +selfish:--"fine feelings seldom result in fine conduct." If our love were +perfectly selfless, we should be glad of all pleasure for our friend; +failure in his allegiance to us would not change us, nothing would do that +except failure in his allegiance to his better self. We should love our +friends not for what they are to us, but for what they are in themselves. +Of course, it may be said that fickleness to us is a flaw in his better +self, but if we stop to think how many tiresome ways we probably have, we +shall be lenient to the friends who show consciousness of them. + +It is a natural instinct with all of us to claim love; those who seem +most richly blessed with it probably have some one from whom they desire +more than they receive; every one has to learn, sooner or later, that "an +unnavigable ocean washes between all human souls,"-- + + "We live together years and years, + And leave unsounded still + Each other's depths of hopes and fears, + Each other's depths of ill. + + "We live together day by day, + And some chance look or tone + Lights up with instantaneous ray + An inner world unknown." + +We all have to learn, sooner or later, that nothing less than Divine Love +can satisfy us, but because our natural longings are so often denied, some +say they are wrong and should be crushed out. It is wrong to give way to +them, to yield to the tendency which is so strong with some, to let all +their interests be personal,--to care for places and natural beauty and +subjects only because they are associated with people,--to let life be +dull to us unless our personal affections are in play. Women ought to make +it a point of conscience to learn to care for things impersonally. We are +too apt to be like Recha in "Nathan," when she only looked at the palm +trees because the Templar was standing under them; when her mind +recovered its balance, she could see the palm trees themselves. + + "Nun werd' ich auch die Palmen wieder sehen + Nicht ihn bloss untern Palmen." + +If God sends us the trial of loneliness, it may be that He has a special +work for us, which needs a long and lonely vigil beside our armour. He may +be depriving us of earthly comfort to draw us closer to Himself, that we +may learn from Him to be true Sons of Consolation. + +"When God cuts off the shoots of our own interests," it has been well +said, "it is that we may graft on our hearts the interests of others." + +Nothing but knowing what loneliness is can teach us to feel for it in +others. Nine-tenths of the world do suffer from it at some time or other; +you may not now, but you will some day; and, if you are spared it, +nine-tenths of the sorrows of life will be a sealed book to you. "I prayed +the Lord," says George Fox, "that he would baptize my heart into a sense +of the conditions and needs of all men." + +But our Lord, Who Himself suffered under the trial of loneliness, sends +all of us friends whom we do not deserve. We can trust to Him to give us +the friends we need, just when we need them, and just as long as we need +them, as surely as we trust Him for daily bread. He may be keeping His +best to the last; nay, the best may never come to us in this life at all; +but it is as true now as when St. Anselm said it, eight hundred years +ago:-- + +"In Thee desires which are deferred are not diminished, but rather +increased; no noble part, though unfulfilled on earth, is suffered to +perish in the soul which lives in Thee, but is deepened and hollowed out +by suffering and yearning and want, that it may become capable of a larger +fulfilment hereafter." + +The hunger of the heart is as natural, and therefore as much implanted by +God, as the hunger of the body. Neither must be gratified unlawfully; but +when God sends food to either we should accept it thankfully, without +either asceticism or greediness, and use the strength it gives us as a +means of service. Does not the essence of the wrong sort of love consist +in our looking on the affection we receive, or crave for, as a self-ending +pleasure, instead of as a gift which is only sent to us to make us +happier, and stronger to serve others? + +We do not need to be always self-questioning as to how far we are using +our happiness for others. We do not count our mouthfuls of food, we feed +our bodies without thinking of it, and so we should do to our hearts; but +we are often not healthy-minded enough to go right unconsciously, though +some happy souls there are-- + + "Glad hearts, without reproach or blot, + Who do God's work, and know it not." + +The Fall brings us under the curse; the tree of knowledge of good and +evil has entailed upon us the necessity of self-knowledge; and if we find +our hearts out of joint, and craving for more love than we get, we should +examine ourselves as to whether we use the love we do get, like the +runner's torch handed on from one to the other; whether the glow of our +happiness warms us to pass on light and heat to others, or whether we +absorb it all ourselves. + +And if we know that we are selfish in the matter,--what then? We cannot +make ourselves unselfish by a wish; we cannot win love at will. But, +though we cannot gain love, we can give it; we can learn to love so well, +that we are satisfied by the happiness of those we love, even though we +have nothing to do with that happiness. + +"How hard a thing it is to look into happiness with another man's eyes!" +but it can be done. People do sometimes live, "quenching their human +thirst in others' joys." + +Although our craving for sympathy is wrong if it be allowed to lame our +energies, yet in itself we cannot say it is wrong. "To become saints," +says F.W. Robertson, "we must not cease to be men and women. And if there +be any part of our nature which is essentially human, it is the craving +for sympathy. The Perfect One gave sympathy and wanted it. 'Could ye not +watch with Me one hour?' 'Will ye also go away?' Found it, surely, even +though His brethren believed not on Him; found it in St. John and Martha, +and Mary and Lazarus:"-- + + "David had his Jonathan, and Christ His John." + +Some people are quite conscious that they do not "get on" with others; and +they are tempted to be morbidly irritable and exacting, or else to shut +themselves up and say, "It's no use, no one wants me." If no one wants +you, it is your fault; for if you were always ready to be unselfish and +thoughtful for others in small ways, you would be wanted. You need not +fret because you are not amusing to talk to, and think that therefore you +cannot win affection. As a rule, people do not want you to talk; they want +you to listen. Now, any one can be a good listener, for that requires +moral, and not intellectual qualifications. Sympathy to guess somebody's +favourite subject, and to be really interested in it, will always make +that somebody think you pleasant; but the interest must be real: if you +only give it for what you can get, you will get nothing. + +The right person always is sent just when needed. I do not believe in +people missing each other--though it may very well be that we are not fit +to be trusted with the affection we should like, and that God knows we +should rest in it if we had it, and never turn to Him, and so He keeps it +from us till we are ready for it. The longer we live the more we are +struck by the apparent chance which threw us with the right people. + +There is a Turkish proverb which says, "Every only child has a sister +somewhere," and F.D. Maurice, in his beautiful paper on the "Faëry Queen," +declares his belief that all who are meant to be friends and to help each +other will find each other at the right time, just as Spenser's knights, +though wandering in trackless forests, always encountered each other when +help was wanted. + +And if all this is true of ordinary friendship--if it calls for so much +high principle and self-denial and prayer--what of love, "the perfection +of friendship"? It is usually either ignored or joked about. The jokes are +edged tools always in bad taste and often dangerous, but it is a pity the +subject should be ignored. When it becomes a personal question the girl is +sure to be too excited or irritable to take advice, so that there is +something to be said for that discussion of "love in the abstract," which +Sydney Smith overheard at a Scotch ball. It is surely better, in forming +her standard and opinion on this most important of all points, that a girl +should have the help of her mother and older friends. Girls do not go to +their mothers as they might, because they wait till they are sore and +conscious and resentful. Most girls would rather be married, and quite +right too,--in no other state of life will they find such thorough +discipline and chastening!--it is the only life which makes a true and +perfect woman. But if they wish it, let them not be so untidy, so fidgety, +so domineering, that no man in his senses would put up with them! And if +she be a "leisured girl" with no duty calling her from home (or very +possibly many duties calling her to remain at home), let her think, not +twice, but many times, before a wish for independence and Bohemianism +(which she translates into "Art") leads her into grooves of life where she +is very unlikely to meet the sort of man who can give her the home and the +surroundings to which she is accustomed. Harriet Byron's despair and +ecstasy about Sir Charles have passed away, but girls still dream of +heroes (not always so heroic as Sir Charles). Their dreams cannot fail to +be coloured by the novels they read and the poetry they dwell on; do they +always realize the responsibility of keeping good company? Read +love-stories, by all means, but let them be noble ones, such as show you, +Molly Gibson, Mary Colet, Romola, Di Vernon, Margaret Hale, Shirley, Anne +Elliot, The Angel in the House, The Gardener's Daughter, The Miller's +Daughter, Sweet Susan Winstanley, and Beatrice. It is impossible to dwell +on the mere passionate emotion of second-rate novels and sensuous poetry, +without wiping some possibility of nobleness out of your own life. Every +influence which you allow to pass through your mind colours it, but most +of all, those which appeal to your feelings. You take pains to strengthen +your minds, but you let your feelings come up as wheat or tares according +to chance; and yet the unruly wills and affections of women need more +discipline than their minds. + +Perhaps the individual girl feels commonplace and of small account. Why +should she restrain her love of fun, her Tomboyism, her tendency to +flirtation? She is no heroine! But, let her be as commonplace as possible, +she will represent Woman to the man who is in love with her, as surely as +Beatrice represented it to Dante. + +Every woman, married or single, alters the opinion of some man about +women. Even a careless man judges a girl in a way that she, with her head +full of nonsense, probably never dreams of;--he has a standard for her, +though he has none for himself. + +It is small wonder that chivalrous devotion should decrease when women lay +so little claim to it. Miss Edgeworth needed to decry sentimental and +high-flown feelings,--the Miss Edgeworth of to-day would need to uphold +romance. + +Women may still be "Queens of noble Nature's crowning," but they too +often find that crown irksome, and prefer to be hail-fellow-well-met, +taking and allowing liberties, which give small encouragement to men to be +like Susan Winstanley's lover. + +Dante never watched the young man and maiden of to-day accosting each +other, or he would not have said-- + + "If she salutes him, all his being o'er + Flows humbleness." + +I am afraid Dante would now be left "_sole_ sitting by the shores of old +Romance," unless indeed he went to some of the seniors, who are supposed +to have no feelings left! "If you want to marry a young heart, you must +look for it in an old body." + +Are you, then, to reject all suggestions of a sensible marriage with any +man who is not Prince Perfect? I once read a very sensible little poem +which described the heroine waiting year after year for Prince Perfect. He +came at last, but unfortunately "he sought perfection too," so nothing +came of it! Cromwell's rule in choosing his Ironsides is the safest in +choosing a husband: "Give me a man that hath principle--I know where to +have him." If he comes to you disguised as one of these somewhat +commonplace Ironsides, and recommended by your mother, consider how very +much the fairy Prince of your dreams would have to put up with in you, and +you will probably find it heavenly, as well as worldly wisdom, to "go +down on your knees and thank Heaven fasting for a good man's love." You +will tell me that many happy and useful lives are now open to women, and +that they need not be dependent on marriage for happiness,--and I shall +quite agree with you; you may go on to say that marriage can now be to a +woman a mere choice amongst many professions, a mere accident, as it is to +a man,--and there I shall totally disagree with you. It is quite possible +that Happiness may lie in the narrower, more self-willed work of the +single woman, but Blessedness, which is higher and more enduring than +happiness, can only be known to the married woman whose whole nature is +developed, and _fully_ known only to the "Queen of Marriage: a most +perfect wife." + +Are you, then, to spend your lives making nets, or, following Swift's wise +caution, even in making cages, waiting, like Lydia Languish, for a hero of +romance, and beguiling the interval with reading "The Delicate Distress," +and "The Mistakes of the Heart"? Not at all! The best way to prepare for +marriage is to prepare yourself to be like Bridget Elia, "an incomparable +old maid." + + "The soul, that goodness like to this adorns + Holdeth it not concealed; + But, from her first espousal to the frame, + Shows it, till death, revealed. + Obedient, sweet, and full of seemly shame, + She, in the primal age, + The person decks with beauty; moulding it + Fitly through every part. + In riper manhood, temperate, firm of heart, + With love replenished, and with courteous praise, + In loyal deeds alone she hath delight. + And, in her elder days, + For prudence and just largeness is she known; + Rejoicing with herself, + That wisdom in her staid discourse be shown. + Then, in life's fourth division, at the last + She weds with God again, + Contemplating the end she shall attain; + And looketh back, and blesseth the time past."--_Dante_. + +[Footnote 6: James Martineau.] + +[Footnote 7: Channing.] + + + + +A Good Time. + + +We sometimes hear people lamenting the dangers of this age as regards +unsettled views in religion, while others lament that girls neglect home +duties for outside work. + +I am not at all sure that our greatest danger does not lurk in that most +modern invention, "a good time," which, as a disturbing element, is +closely related to that other modern institution "week-ends." + +Fifteen or twenty years ago, a self-willed or self-indulgent girl escaped +from the monotony of home duties by the door which led into slums and +hospitals. Nowadays the same girl finds that duties can be evaded by the +simpler plan of staying at home and having "a good time." I do not think +this will last, any more than slumming, as a mere fashion, has lasted. I +hope not, for it means that girls have had very full liberty given to +them, and that their sense of responsibility has not yet grown in +proportion to their freedom. Just now, pending the growth of that sixth +sense, "a good time" is very easily to be had--at the cost of a little +want of consideration for others--since the elders of to-day are curiously +large-hearted in giving freely and asking very little in return. + +But it would be an ungenerous nature which took advantage of generosity, +and was content to take much and give little. + +Surely it is utterly ignoble that any living soul sent into the great +battle should ask to pick flowers, while every one worth their salt was +hard at work fighting the foe, protecting the weak, nursing the wounded. I +do not believe a girl would do it if she thought twice; every generous +instinct would cry out against it. But a girl may drift into a very +selfish pleasure-seeking life, and the tendency of the day is to regard +this as a defendable and lawful line of life. Duty will hold its own with +the morally thoughtful and with generous natures, but it is no longer an +unquestioned motto for every one as it used to be in Nelson's days. + +I have heard a girl rebel against her life, on the ground that she had a +right to a good time; youth was the time for pleasure, she would never +again have such a power of enjoyment, and it was absolutely criminal on +her parents' part not to provide her with more. I thought she already had +more than most; but in any case, I did not agree with her in saying that +she must enjoy now, or not at all. In case it should be any comfort to +those of you who may have a dull life, I can tell you that it is not so. I +am convinced we all have a certain power of enjoyment, and if you can get +your fill of pleasure in youth, you do not find as much keen enjoyment in +middle life as if you had been kept on a shorter allowance. It is true you +do not enjoy quite the same things--there are youthful amusements which +you can only enjoy at a certain stage; but take comfort, if you do not get +as much as you would like now, it will only mean keener enjoyment of the +pleasures of the next stage of life. + +But what struck me most was her fundamental assumption that Pleasure was a +valid object in life, and that she was sent into the world to get as much +as she could. + +If so, I think the world is a great Failure. I often hear people saying, +"I cannot believe in God, because of the Pain in the world;" and if this +world was the end of things, that would be reasonable; if Pleasure is the +object of Life, it would be better never to be born! But if we are sent +here to grow, then I cannot understand Pain being a reason for doubting +God's love. Looking back on life, I am sure each will feel, "I could not +afford to miss one of its shadows, no matter how black they were at the +time." And the fact that you and I each feel that the key of God's love +fits the lock of our individual life, should be one valid reason for +believing that all Life is ordered for a right and noble purpose; our +happy lives are as real a bit of Life, and as good a specimen of God's +government, as sad ones. + +People say to me, "Yes, I feel as you do about myself, but others have +such terrible shadows that I cannot feel God is good!" Well, some +sufferers tell me they would not change their life, for they feel God's +love in it: surely they have a right to speak. We learn from them that +Pain works rightly into life. + +What makes a woman's life worth living? That she has had this or that +pleasure--that she has riches or poverty--that she is married or lonely, +that she married the right man or the wrong? + +No! What matters is, whether she is growing more and more into tune with +the Infinite? Is she learning God's lesson, and fitting herself for the +still nobler life He wants to give her? + +You and I came into the world to do our part in a noble battle-- + + "'Twere worth a thousand years of strife, + 'Twere worth a wise man's best of life. + If he could lessen but by one + The countless ills beneath the sun." + +Besides, you will not find Pleasure-seeking pays in the long run! If you +are feeling that Pleasure with a big "P" is your due, then all the little +annoyances prick and irritate. If you pay heavily for a new dress which +hangs badly, it is trying; if you never expected a new dress at all, and +that same dress was unexpectedly given you, the drawback would be looked +at very differently. + +It would pay pleasure-seekers to try the old plan of looking on life as a +Duty, where pleasures came by accident or kindness, and were heartily and +gratefully enjoyed. Do you remember in the "Daisy Chain," how Ethel says, +after the picnic, that the big attempts at pleasure generally go wrong, +and that the true pleasures of life are the little unsought joys that come +in the natural course of things? Dr. May disliked hearing her so wise at +her age, but I think it must have been rather a comfort to Ethel to have +found it out. No thought of that kind damps your pleasure when the dance +or the picnic turn out a great success! And when they do not, it is nice +to feel there are other things in life. Every one knows how often +something goes wrong at a big pleasure; the right people are not there, or +your dress is not quite right; you are tired, or you say the wrong thing; +while, if you get much pleasure, a certain monotony is soon felt, and you +envy the vivid enjoyment of the girl who scarcely ever has a treat. + +It stands to reason, that if you are deliberately arranging to get +pleasure, and plenty of it, you cannot (from a purely pleasure point of +view) enjoy it as much as if your life consisted of duties, and your +pleasures came by the way. But there is a deeper reason why a life of +amusement fails to amuse. It is not only that we are so made that nearly +all our sensations of pleasure depend on novelty, the keenness wearing off +if a sensation is repeated. + +The reason lies in a fact which militates against the Pleasure-seeker's +foundation idea:--the fact that we are made for something else than +pleasure, failing which we remain unsatisfied. "There is in man a HIGHER +than Love of Happiness: he can do without Happiness, and instead thereof +find Blessedness." + +Here is the point I should like you to think clearly out for yourselves. +Fifty years ago, Carlyle taught this truth as with thunder from Sinai. Let +us imbue our minds with his passionate scorn for those who come into this +noble world to suck sweets,--to have "a good time." "Sartor Resartus," one +of the Battle-cries of Life, and "Past and Present," which has small mercy +for idlers and pleasure-seekers, are character-making books:-- + + "There went to the making of man + Time with a gift of tears, + Grief with a glass that ran," + +and there also go, to the making of man and woman, certain books. + +These may vary in each case and in generation. Tom Brown and Mr. Knowles' +"King Arthur" may not do for you what they did for me; "Sesame and +Lilies," "Past and Present," Emerson's "Twenty Essays" may be superseded, +though I can hardly believe it; but see to it that you find and read their +true successors, carry out Dr. Abbott's advice to his boys--to "read half +a dozen de-vulgarizing books before leaving school." + +Surely R.L. Stevenson should be on the list, for he speaks so splendidly +on Carlyle's great point that man was born for something better than +Happiness. He says, over and over again, "Happiness is not the reward that +mankind seeks. Happinesses are but his wayside campings; his soul is in +the journey; he was born for struggle, and only tastes his life in +effort." He sounds the same note as Marcus Aurelius, another of the +de-vulgarizing man-making books of the world. + +The message of all these men is, "Love not Pleasure; love God. This is the +EVERLASTING YEA, wherein who walks and works it is well with him." + +Surely, when we look into things and leave our hungry wishes on one side, +it seems clear to the best side of our nature that we are born, not with a +right to Pleasure, but with a right to opportunity for development on our +own highest lines. + +A pig has a right to pigs-wash--he has no higher capacity. You and I have +a capacity for courage and helpfulness and friendship with God. Our life +will be a success if these things are developed, and a failure if they are +not. This is the success we have a right to, but as likely as not it may +need Pain, not Pleasure, for its achievement; and in this case you and I +are born with a right to Pain, and we should be defrauded if any one saved +us from it. + +I know you want Happiness and pleasure, and I sympathize with you; but it +makes all the difference to your whole life if you go out into the world +like a vulture screaming for prey, or if you start out hoping, in the +first place, to be brave and helpful, and, only in the second place, ready +to take any pleasure as a good gift to be happy and grateful about. + +"How needlessly mean our life is; though we, by the depth of our living, +can deck it with more than regal splendour!"[8] + +Do you feel that this is very tall talk for quiet lives like yours and +mine? Yes, it is; but we need great ideals to live even small lives by. +Probably no one of us will ever get near living a noble life, but we can +make our lives of the same fibre as those of the heroes. We can live on +noble lines. + +How? + +I.--Let us _work for others_: which may mean no more than being the +useful one in the house and perhaps taking a Sunday-school class. + +II.--Let us live with noble people, _i.e._ read steadily books which keep +us in touch with larger minds--if you are constantly meeting clever people +that does instead, but if you lead quiet lives with not much to talk +about, except gossip and family events, then secure a daily talk with +people worth talking to. + +III.--Let us live part of each day with God. St. Christopher is the patron +saint of those who want to lead a noble, helpful life, and yet feel that +in them there lies no touch of saintliness, save it be some far-off touch +to know well they are not saints. + +You know his story: how he sought to serve the strongest, first the +Emperor, then the Devil, then the Crucified; how he went to an old hermit +and said, "I am no saint, I cannot pray, but teach me to work for the +Master;" and how at last he found that in his common work he attained to +the service of the Crucified. + +You and I are sent into the world to serve the strongest, and we know that +means the Crucified. + +What makes Life worth while, and increasingly worth while, every year you +live, is that He does not offer us Pleasure, though He gives it to most of +us in overflowing measure: He offers us a share in His work. Think of all +we owe to others, to all who love us--to all who make life easy to +us--and feel what a debt we owe. Think of the work He is doing--of the +work He died for. Think how He calls each one to His side to be His friend +and helper and fellow-soldier. Think of the possibility which belongs to +each one of us, of being one of His great army of those whose name is +Help. + +Let us thank Him for our Creation, in that such possibilities are before +us. Verily, Life is well worth living. + + "Go forth and bravely do your part, + O knights of the unshielded heart." + +[Footnote 8: Emerson.] + + +THE END. + + + + + + +WORKS BY L. H. M. SOULSBY + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS, 2s. 6d. net. + +(New and Enlarged Edition.) + +CONTENTS: Lines written on being told that a Lady was "Plain and +Commonplace"--The Virtuous Woman--Making Plans--Conversation--Aunt Rachel; +or, Old Maids' Children--"Get up, M. le Comte!"--A Friday Lesson--A Home +Art; or, Mothers and Daughters--_Esprit de Corps_--Rough Notes of a +Lesson--Holidays--Sunday--Friendship and Love--A Good Time. + +The Original Edition of this book is still on sale, 16mo, 1s. 6d. net. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR MOTHERS AND TEACHERS, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: The Religious Side of Secular Teaching--Home Education from 14 +to 17--Mothers and Day Schools--Teaching of History--etc. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS ON READING, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Suggestions on Reading--Romola--Charles Kingsley--"The Happy +Warrior"--Paracelsus--Dante--Pilgrim's Progress--etc. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS ON CHARACTER, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Happiness[A]--One Called Help[B]--Two Aspects of Education or +Self-Control and the Ideal Woman[B]--The Use of Leisure or Thoughts on +Education[B]--etc. + +[Footnote A: This is printed separately, price 3d. net.] + +[Footnote B: These are printed separately, price 4d. net each.] + +The four books as above are also issued bound in limp leather, gilt +edges, and can be obtained through any bookseller. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR INVALIDS, 2s. net. + +CONTENTS: "I do well to be Angry"--"Purring when you're pleased"--The Duty +of Eating--Nervous Irritability--The Shadow of the Future--The Fear of +Death--etc. + + +SUGGESTIONS ON PRAYER, 1s. net, or in Cloth, 1s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Difficulties in Prayer--Making a Prayer Book--Prayer is +Power--Self-Examination--Questions on the Ten Commandments. + + + SHORT PRAYERS, cloth limp, 16mo, 6d. net. + CHRIST AND HIS CROSS, 2s. net. + +Selections from Rutherford's Letters. + + +CHRISTIAN PERFECTION, 2s. net. + +By WILLIAM LAW, EDITED BY L.H.M. SOULSBY. + + +LONGMANS, GREEN, AND CO. + +LONDON, NEW YORK AND BOMBAY + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS*** + + +******* This file should be named 14679-8.txt or 14679-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/6/7/14679 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/old/14679-8.zip b/old/14679-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce8bbce --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14679-8.zip diff --git a/old/14679.txt b/old/14679.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..69175db --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14679.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5096 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Stray Thoughts for Girls, by Lucy H. M. +Soulsby + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Stray Thoughts for Girls + +Author: Lucy H. M. Soulsby + +Release Date: January 13, 2005 [eBook #14679] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS*** + + +E-text prepared by Clare Boothby, Diane Monico, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS + +by + +L. H. M. SOULSBY + +"I sing the Obsolete" + +New and Enlarged Edition + +Longmans, Green, and Co. +39 Paternoster Row, +London New York and Bombay + +1903 + + + + + + + +DEDICATED TO + +GIRLS AT THE "AWKWARD AGE." + + + "An unlessoned girl, unschool'd, unpractis'd, + Happy in this, she is not yet so old + But she may learn." + + + + +PREFACE + + +What _is_ the awkward age? + +Certainly not any special number of years. It is most frequently found +between the ages of thirteen and twenty-seven, but some girls never go +through it, and some never emerge from it! + +I should be inclined to define it as the age during which girls are +asked--and cannot answer--varying forms of the question which so +embarrassed the Ugly Duckling: "Can you purr--can you lay eggs?" + +Most girls on growing up pass through an uncomfortable stage like this, in +which neither they nor their friends quite know what niche in life they +can best fill--sometimes, because of their own undisciplined characters; +sometimes, because the niche itself seems to be lacking. Whether this +stage be their misfortune or their fault, it is an unpleasant one--both +for themselves and for their friends. With much sympathy for both, I +dedicate these few suggestions to my known and unknown friends who are +passing through it. + + L. H. M. SOULSBY. + OXFORD, April 4, 1893. + + + + +PREFACE TO NEW EDITION + + +In bringing out a new edition, the book has been enlarged by adding papers +on "Making Plans," "Conversation," "Get up, M. le Comte!" "Sunday," and "A +good Time;" "Coming out" has been omitted, and "Friendship and Love" +somewhat altered. The present form has been adopted in order to make it +match the other volumes of "Stray Thoughts." + + L. H. M. SOULSBY. + BRONDESBURY, Nov. 23, 1903. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + LINES WRITTEN ON BEING TOLD THAT A LADY WAS "PLAIN AND COMMONPLACE" + + THE VIRTUOUS WOMAN + + MAKING PLANS + + CONVERSATION + + AUNT RACHEL; OR, OLD MAIDS' CHILDREN + + "GET UP, M. LE COMTE!" + + A FRIDAY LESSON + + A HOME ART; OR, MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS + + ESPRIT DE CORPS + + ROUGH NOTES OF A LESSON + + HOLIDAYS + + SUNDAY + + FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE + + A GOOD TIME + + + + +"The Sweet, Sweet Love of Daughter, + + "I have discovered a thing very little known, which is, that in + one's whole life one can never have more than a single mother. You + may think this obvious and (what you call) a trite observation.... + You are a green gosling! I was at the same age (very near) as wise + as you, and yet I never discovered this (with full evidence and + conviction, I mean) till it was too late."--_Gray's Letters_. + + +"of Sister, + + "The Blessing of my later years + Was with me when a Boy + She gave me eyes, she gave me ears, + And love, and thought, and joy." + Wordsworth. + + +"and of Wife." + + "The thousand still sweet joys of such + As hand in hand face earthly life." + M. Arnold. + + "I desired to make her my wife, knowing that she would be a + counsellor of good things, and a comfort in cares and grief. For + her conversation hath no bitterness; and to live with her hath no + sorrow, but mirth and joy."--_Wisdom of Solomon_. + + + + +LINES + +WRITTEN ON BEING TOLD THAT A LADY WAS "PLAIN AND COMMONPLACE." + + + You say that my love is plain, + But that I can never allow + When I look at the thought for others + That is written on her brow. + + The eyes are not fine, I own, + She has not a well-cut nose, + But a smile for others' pleasures + And a sigh for others' woes: + + Quick to perceive a want, + Quicker to set it right, + Quickest in overlooking + Injury, wrong, or slight. + + Nothing to say for herself, + That is the fault you find! + Hark to her words to the children, + Cheery and bright and kind. + + Hark to her words to the sick, + Look at her patient ways; + Every word she utters + Speaks to the speaker's praise. + + "Nothing to say for herself," + Yes! right, most right, you are, + But plenty to say for others, + And that is better by far. + + Purity, truth, and love, + Are they such common things? + If hers were a common nature, + Women would all have wings. + + Talent she may not have, + Beauty, nor wit, nor grace, + But, until she's among the angels, + She cannot be commonplace. + +Arthur Heathcote. + + + + +The Virtuous Woman. + +A FAREWELL BIBLE LESSON TO GIRLS ON LEAVING SCHOOL. + + "Wisdom ordereth all things strongly and sweetly."--WISDOM viii. 1 + (Vulg.). + + +It would be interesting to make a "Garden of Women" from the poets, +collecting the pictures of "Fair Women" they have drawn for us, but I want +to consider specially the ideal woman of that ancient poet Solomon, and to +see how far she can be translated into modern life. + +The subject ought to be considered by you who are leaving a school you +have loved and valued, and which you should commend to the world, by +showing that it has made you fit for home. Beaumaris School has a blank +shield for its arms, with the motto, "_Albam exorna_," "Adorn the white;" +you are all starting with white shields, and you _can_ adorn the white: it +is not only in Spenser that we find Britomarts. You are as much a band of +champions as were King Arthur's Knights; you have all the same enemy, have +made the same vows, and for a year have been in fellowship, learning and +practising the same lessons: can you help feeling that there is a +responsibility laid on you, to see that the world shall be the better +because of you? Be like Sir Galahad with his white shield on which "a +bloody cross" was signed, when he had fought and won. + +You know that I admire the old-fashioned type of woman--the womanly +woman,--and you will not suspect me of wishing you to start off "on some +adventure strange and new," but I do want you not to be content to lead a +commonplace life; you _must_, anyway, live your life: resolve that by +God's grace you will live it _nobly_. You cannot alter the outward form of +your life,--you will probably be surrounded by very commonplace household +duties, and worries, and jars,--but you can be like King Midas, whose +touch turned the most common things to gold. We have it in our power, as +Epictetus tells us, to be the gold on the garment of Life, and not the +mere stuff of which Fate weaves it. We can choose whether we will live a +king's life or a slave's: Marcus Aurelius on his throne was a king, for +nothing could conquer him; but Epictetus in chains was equally +unconquerable and equally a king. We all have the choice between the Crown +and the Muck Rake, and I think we sometimes turn to the straws and the +rubbish, not because they are fascinating to us, but because they seem +the only things open to us: we do not feel as if our lives had anything to +do with Crowns. If you think of your various homes from the point of view +of turning their "necessities to glorious gains," and as a field for +winning your spurs, I suspect you are each feeling that this is very "tall +talk" for such a commonplace home as yours. "All lives have an ideal +meaning as well as their prose translation;" but you feel perhaps that you +are sure to be swamped in little bothers and duties, and pleasures, and +dulness and stagnation, so that you will find it hard to see any ideal +meaning at all. This is not true, and to look on an ideal life as "tall +talk" is a snare of the Devil; and in these days of common sense and +higher education we need to guard against it, and to remember that "a +thing may be good enough for practical purposes, but not for ideal +purposes." "Ideal life" is not tall talk, but our plain duty, unless our +Lord was mocking us when He said, "Be ye perfect, as your Father in Heaven +is perfect." + +To know our ideal is one step towards attaining it. "So run, not as +uncertainly; so fight, not as one that beateth the air." Before taking +such a definite step in life as leaving school, it would be very +interesting to draw up a plan of what you would like your life to be, and +also of what you hope to make of the life apparently before you, which +may be very different from the life you would like. If you kept it, like +sealed orders, for five years, it would be interesting to see how your +views had changed, and how prayers had been answered in unexpected ways, +and it would also be a solemn warning to see, as we assuredly should, that +wilful prayers had been heard to our hurt. + +Bacon, when he made a new start as Solicitor-General, made a survey of his +life, past and future, his faults and blunders, his strong and weak +points, his hopes, the books he meant to read and to write, the friends he +wished to make. I am sure that thinking over our own lives as a whole +would strengthen and guide us. We rush into action and fight our best, but +we do not make a plan of the campaign, and thus much of our energy is +wasted by misdirected effort; and, in leaving a school-life of rule and +regularity, you will be much tempted to slip through the day without the +safeguard of a life of Rule; but, until you _are_ the saints you are +_called_ to be, you cannot afford to do without this help. We must +remember the warning of St. Francis de Sales against playing at being +angels before we are men and women. + +On the other hand, you will need to guard against the temptation to make +your rules unbending and inconsiderate, to follow your ideal, heedless of +the fact that you thereby become tiresome to your people. How often the +home people feel jealous of school, and say it has cut a girl off from her +home interests, that she comes back full of outside friendships and +interests and new principles. Of course she does; if not, what good would +school have done her? But she ought to feel how natural and how _loving_ +is this (often unexpressed) jealousy, and, by sympathetic tact, to avoid +rousing it, and not to be always thrusting school interests down home +throats. The duty of a life of rule at home is all the more complex +because home pleasures are duties too; if it was only a question of +self-denial it would be plain sailing, but your mother likes you to go +out, and your brothers want you, and if you refuse to enjoy yourself it +hurts them: if you even betray that you would rather be doing something +else, you spoil their pleasure, for a "martyr" to home duty is a most +depressing sight to gods and men. And the complexity lies in the fact that +you enjoy going, and conscience pricks you every now and then because you +never read, and you seem to go through the day in a slipshod way, with no +definite rule,--no daily cross-bearing, no self-restraint to give salt to +the day. At school you have a definite duty of self-improvement set before +you, and everything urges you to follow it. This remains a duty when you +go home, but it is very hard to reconcile it with the many things that +clash--not the least of these being our own laziness when the help of +external pressure is taken away. You have had intellectual advantages, and +you will be downright sinful if you fritter all your time away over +flowers and tennis, and never read because you do not like to be thought +unsociable: you are bound to improve your talents, but take it as your +motto, that _rules should be iron when they clash with our own wishes, and +wax when they clash with those of others_. + +Yet we must yield _sensibly_, and not allow our time to be needlessly +wasted--at all events, by brothers and sisters and friends. It is +different with a father or mother: they are only lent to us for a part of +our lives, and no memory of sensible, useful work will be to us the same +pleasure in after years as the thought of the time that passed more +pleasantly for a mother because we spent it in idle (!) talk, or the +knowledge that a father had enjoyed the feeling that we were always at +hand if he wanted us. A strong-minded woman might consider matters +differently, and feel that a language learnt, or a district visited, was +of more value, but we shall not be able to reason so when we see life in +the new light which death throws upon it; the little restrictions of home +life will then assume a very different aspect. + +Unless you are driven with an unusually loose rein, you will probably be +irked by having to be punctual, and to account for your letters and for +your goings and comings; but if you ever feel inclined to resent it, just +think what it will be when you are left free--free to be late because +there is no one to wait dinner for you, free to come and go as you will +because there is no one who cares whether you are tired or not; some of +these days you will give anything to be once more so "fettered." + +Higher education often makes girls feel it waste of time to write notes +for their mothers, and to settle the drawing-room flowers: they "must go +and read." Now, what mental result, what benefit to the world, will result +from an ordinary woman's reading, which can, in any way, be comparable to +the value of a woman who diffuses a home-atmosphere, and is always "at +leisure from herself"? You know that I care very much for your +reading--you will have plenty to do if you read all the books I have +begged you to study--but if it gave your mother pleasure for you to be at +the stupidest garden-party, I should think you were wasting your time +terribly if you spent it over a book instead. Some people think ordinary +society, and small talk, beneath them:--well! do not let the talk be +smaller than you can help, but remember Goulburn's warning, "Despise not +little crosses, for they have been to many a saved soul an excellent +discipline of humility." + +But to come at last to Solomon's ideal--what is our first impression of +her? Surely it is _strength_, and we probably feel her strong-minded, and +rather a "managing woman"--and, as a rule, these are not loved. I feel +that she wants some sorrow to humanize her--she would hardly be sorry for +less prosperous, less sensible people: the modern feeling of, "the pity of +it, Iago, the pity of it!" has never gone home to her; she is not like +Ruskin's "gentleman" who has tears always in his eyes, in spite of the +smile on his lips; she is not "quick to perceive the want" in the many +lives, which are empty or crippled, though, perhaps, seemingly prosperous: +things turn out well with her, and she deserves it, so the sight of her +would bring home a sense of undeservingness to the less fortunate; she +cannot speak so as to be "understanded of" them; she is not one of those +who have learnt that "_avoir beaucoup souffert c'est comme ceux qui savent +beaucoup de langues, avoir appris a tout comprendre, et a se fairs +comprendre de tous_." But the virtues Solomon describes need not result in +this type, which is antagonistic to us; extremes meet, and it is the +exaggeration of a very lovable type--the woman who gives you the feeling +of rest and protection and strong motherliness, who is as the shadow of a +great rock in a weary land. "The meekness and gentleness of Christ" is +translated by Matthew Arnold as the "sweet reasonableness," and this +makes a very lovable woman. Sweet unreasonableness makes a more _taking_ +one, but not a _keeping_ one. Butterfly women have more fascinating ways, +but Spring-time comes to an end--the day will come for all women when +others will come to them to be ministered to, to be rested and soothed and +raised. It is sad to watch many who have the faded pretty ways which once +was all that was required of them, and who, in middle life, cannot +understand why their belongings find them so inadequate! Long ago, Swift +warned girls against making nets instead of cages, but they have not all +learnt wisdom yet. And the main point is, not how you can get, or give, +most amusement, but how you can give most comfort; and no one goes to a +weak person for that. There are few things certain in life, but one of +these few is, that others will come to each one of us, in doubt, in +sorrow, in pain, in ignorance, and that, through negligence and ignorance +of ours, they may go away uncomforted, unhelped, untaught, and this, +though each one of us has it in her power to become, through God's grace, +one of those Queens of Consolation of whom Dante spoke. + +I think the Virtuous Woman ought to be on her guard against hardness: it +is her temptation, naturally, as it was that of the Elder Brother,--but +love and humility can make even strength lovable. And for those who are +in no danger of being too like the Virtuous Woman, but who are still +struggling out of a lower life, I am quite sure that weakness is the rock +ahead. It must be so for nearly all women: their feelings are keener and +sooner developed than those of men, and they are less trained in intellect +and self-control. Their chief value lies in intuition and impulse, and +their chief danger also. You will never be the "Virtuous Woman" if you are +self-indulgent in novels which dwell on feelings, in daydreams, in foolish +friendships, which only bring out the emotional side of your nature, +instead of strengthening you to do what is right, and widening your +sensible interests in life. There is but one certain protection against +this temptation, and we find it in Proverbs xxxi.; I mean, _industry at +home_. + +Industry is a leading feature of Solomon's ideal, and nothing but plenty +to do can possibly keep our minds fresh and sweet, and wholesome and +strong,--and hence, strengthening for others. Feeling is the only part of +a woman's nature which will develop of itself:--her mind will not grow +unless definitely cultivated, and no more will her conscience, but if she +leave the field fallow, weeds of foolish feelings and fancies spring up on +all sides. This is why it is your duty, when you leave, not to allow +yourself to be idle: not only because God expects you to bring your +sheaves with you at the Last Day, but because your field cannot stand +empty--if good grain is not there, weeds will be. And manual +work--gardening or housework--gives more fresh air to the mind than +anything else. If you ever, as _Punch_ expresses it, "find your doll +stuffed with sawdust," if life seems a disappointment, and you are a prey +to foolish fancies, and have lost your spring, then try being really tired +out in body by useful work, and see if you do not find it an effectual +tonic. Some say that these "mental measles" are a phase which the modern +girl must inevitably pass through: perhaps so, but I should be +disappointed if you went through them,--at all events, if you did so in +the hopelessly idiotic way that many do! I should be disappointed if, in +the future, you came and said, "I am in the dark, and Life is all a +tangle!" I do feel you ought to have learnt that "the light of Duty shines +on every day for all." "We always have as much light as we need, though +often not as much as we would like," and if you honestly want to do your +next duty, you will have light enough to do it by. Come to me, by all +means, if you like, and say, "I feel idle and good-for-nothing, and don't +particularly want to see my Duty!" but do not moan about Life being all +perplexity! It is always nobler to do your duty than to leave it undone: +make this principle your sheet-anchor, and spiritual feelings and light +will come some day, if God sees fit. It does not always do to apply +direct remedies to these "measles:" if your mind is out of gear, leave it +alone, and attack it through the body by industry. And industry _at home_ +is best; here was the true strength of the Virtuous Woman. The strength of +her modern descendant lies abroad: she is strong and admirable, she does +splendid work, but there is always a tinge of excitement to help one +through outside work. Things done among father and mother, brothers and +sisters, are either very peaceful or very flat, according as your feelings +are either wholesome or unwholesome--there is none of the pleasurable +excitement, generally more or less feverish, of working with friends we +love and admire; it is the difference between milk and wine. I do not +think wine wrong, but I think it is much better to cultivate a taste for +milk; you must watch yourselves, and not get to feel home things dull. +Some are so strong in home, so wrapped up in their own family, that +outsiders feel _de trop_, which of course is a fault on the other side. If +we have happy homes, it is a trust for the use of others; we can give a +home feeling to those who are less fortunate as they pass by us, like the +swallow flying through the lighted hall. Lonely people may gain a sense of +home from this large-heartedness in the happy, a feeling of rest and +repose, which is the very essence of the atmosphere I should like my +Virtuous Woman to shed around her; she must "do good by effluvia;" in her +home, "roof and fire are types only of a nobler light and shade--shade as +of the rock in a weary land, and light as of the Pharos in the stormy sea. +And wherever a true wife comes this home is always round her. The stars +only may be over her head, the glowworm in the night-cold grass may be the +only fire at her foot: yet home is wherever she is; and for a noble woman +it stretches far around her, better than ceiled with cedar or painted with +vermilion, shedding its quiet light far for those who else were homeless." + +Let us now consider the Virtuous Woman verse by verse. Solomon is +describing a rich woman with an "establishment," a sphere and husband and +children, as if a woman's life was not complete without this. And no more +it is; it may be very useful and very beautiful, but it is not complete. +Girls are often blamed for thinking too much about marriage: I think they +do not do it enough,--at least in the right way; you are not fit to be +wives now, and you should aim at becoming so, and to do that, you must be +fit to manage your house and to teach your children; if you fit yourselves +to be perfect wives, you will at least be very perfect old maids, and find +plenty to do for other people's children! But your life would then be +incomplete. St. Paul is misquoted when his words in Cor. vii. 34 are used +to condemn marriage; our Lord puts it before all other earthly ties, and +it is used as a type of His love for His Church, which should guard us +from two errors in connection with it. If married love is to be a type, +however faint, of Christ's love for His Church, there must be no +unworthiness connected with it; "no inner baseness we would hide;" no +marrying for the sake of being married, for the dignity and position, or +the worldly advantages it may bring; and there must be no matchmaking or +flirtation that a woman need be ashamed of afterwards. "Let the wife see +that she reverence her husband," says St. Paul, and the husband must be +able to reverence her. And there must be no selfishness, no getting +entangled in engagements that must bring trouble on others; to marry _for_ +money is degrading, but a woman may redeem it by being a good wife; to +marry _without_ money means debt, which is irretrievably degrading, and is +altogether selfish instead of romantic. + +But, married or single, rich or poor, Solomon's Virtuous Woman gives us +principles to go on. + +"_The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her_." Is not +trustworthiness a main point in those we respect? Do we not require our +Virtuous Woman to be reliable, not to repeat what we say to her, not to +forget her promises, in short, that we know "where to have her"? + +"_She will do him good and not evil all the days of his life_." It would +distinctly do him evil if she did his work for him! This is a great +temptation of capable people; it is so much easier to do a thing yourself +than to see others bungling over it; but remember, that _not to do other +people's duties is as much a duty as it is to do your own_. Unselfish +people are often selfish in the harm they do husbands, and brothers, and +sisters, and unconscionable friends, by doing their duties for them. You +recognize that you yourself are on a downward path when you leave duties +undone. You have no right to help any one else to tread that path. It is +much pleasanter to spoil your brothers than to make them take their fair +share of family burdens; it is much pleasanter to be popular,--but if your +brother grows up selfish, three-fourths of the sin will be on your head. +You will have to be very careful to convince him that you are not selfish +by sacrificing yourself on every occasion when it is not bad for him, but +if you are to do him good and not evil all the days of his life, you must +remember that you are your brother's keeper in this matter. + +"_She worketh willingly with her hands_." The idea is going out that, to +be like a lady, you must sit with your hands before you. I heard of a +village tea the other day where a curate's maid-of-all-work was boasting +that her mistress was a real lady who could not do a thing! "Dear! how +strange," said an old servant; "my first mistress taught me, with her own +hands, all the house-work I know." "Ah! she couldn't have been a _real_ +lady," said the other. "Perhaps not," said the old woman reflectively; "I +can't tell, but I know she was an Earl's daughter." If you knew anything +of Colonial life in old uncivilized days, you would know how invariably it +turned out that those settlers were nobody at home who talked there about +what they were "accustomed to," and how they could not do this or +that,--while the real ladies laughed and buckled to. I do not believe in a +woman being thoroughbred if she cannot do what comes to her to do; she may +have little bodily strength, but if she is of the right sort, spirit +carries her through, just as you often find uneducated people, unnerved by +pain or fright, crying and pitying themselves: a real lady has nerve for +it all, though she is ten times more sensitive, and, till the occasion +arises, she may lie on the sofa all day, and believe herself quite unable +to do a thing! + +People sometimes seem to think it the mark of a sensitive, high-bred, +refined nature to be unable to conquer fads, and fancies, and fears. You +hear them say, with an air of modest pride, "I _can't_ eat this or that;" +"I _can't_ touch spiders:" very likely they suffer if they do, and I do +not see that they need be always forcing themselves to do it, but they +should feel the power to do it _if need be_; if you are not master of +yourself, there is bad blood about you somewhere; _noblesse oblige_ +applies preeminently to such things. + +And I think _noblesse oblige_ ought to teach us another lesson in this +matter of work. So many often say, or feel, "It's not my duty to do this +or that; why should I? it's just as much _her_ business,--why shouldn't +_she_ do the dirty work?" The true lady says, "_Somebody_ must do the +dirty work, and why not I as well as another?" And so she worketh +willingly with her hands; for "common household service" is + + "The wageless work of Paradise." + +"_She bringeth her food from afar_." She is foreseeing and businesslike: +she is not obliged to get inferior articles because she is driven at the +last moment and cannot send to the best shop; she is never unable to match +her dress because she has not thought about new gloves till the very +afternoon that she wants them; she does not forget till half-past six that +dinner has not been ordered, and then, in despair, order in ready-cooked +things from a shop. + +"_She riseth while it is yet night_." Early rising is a great trial to +some, but I think those who are conscientious often make a mistake between +sloth and conscientious care of health: and the Virtuous Woman should be +very careful of her health. Some girls think it fine not to be; they say, +"Oh, well, I shall only die the sooner! Better to wear out than rust out!" +and they feel--and so do some of their friends--that they are very noble +characters, and accordingly these tragedy queens stalk picturesquely +through wet grass when they could quite well keep on the gravel. I hope +none of you will develop into tragic heroines. I have no patience when I +see girls with perfectly prosperous lives inventing tragedies for +themselves. They have no right "to take in vain the sacred name of grief." +If there is nothing else to romance about, they fall back on being +"misunderstood," which generally means that their mother understands them +a great deal too well to please them. I dare say you will not see this in +yourselves or in your friends, but it will strike you very much in your +acquaintances, and you will, in time, recognize your own share of human +nature, for we all do, undoubtedly, enjoy being sorry for ourselves, +though I suspect life is much happier for all of us than we deserve. + +But to return to the question of health. If you could go out like the +flame of a candle, well and good! the world would probably be well rid of +you if you were going through life tragically, longing for death, but you +will not "wear out" in consequence of carelessness about wet feet and want +of sleep, and over-fatigue, and fancifulness about eating. These things +destroy, not your life, but your nerves and temper, and all that makes +your life a comfort to others; "wearing out" yourself means that you will +wear out others, and require from them much time and nursing and good +temper. + +Now, sleep is a most important consideration in such a nervous generation +as ours: every woman ought to have eight hours' sleep, and more if she +needs it, but she should not wake up and then go to sleep again; that +second sleep, which is so pleasant, is the sleep of the sluggard. I would +like to give her "a chamber deaf to noise and blind to light," and never +let her be woke, but she should get up the moment she wakes of her own +accord, or, at most, spend ten minutes in the process of waking. + +"_She planteth a vineyard_." I should like my Virtuous Woman to be fond of +gardening, and at all events read in Bacon's Essays how God Almighty first +planted a garden. + +"_She strengthened her arms_." This verse makes us fancy the Virtuous +Woman as being unpleasingly strong, but we should guard against being +purposely weak, with an idea of its being pleasing; Thackeray's Amelia is +hardly a good model, and Patient Grizzel did her husband an infinity of +harm! + +"_Her candle goeth not out by night_." But the Virtuous Woman must be +self-denying in the matter of sitting up, now that modern life makes so +many more demands upon her brain. You know it is self-indulgence when you +sit up late; you were not bound to be so sociable as all that; you only +hinder yourself and others from proper time for prayer and sleep; if you +made a move after a reasonable amount of talk, the others would be +sensible too. And so you repent and force yourself to get up very +punctually the next morning, not seeing that this is on the principle that +two wrongs make a right. It is your duty to get up in good time, but it is +also a duty to get sufficient sleep. I know you have a more comfortable +feeling when you have punished yourself,--you feel that you took the +self-indulgence and you want to pay for it. This sounds fair and honest, +but it is not, because you pay for it with the health and strength that +God gave you to use for Him. Instead of the satisfactory scourge and hair +shirt of rising betimes next morning, try the more commonplace penance of +going to bed in proper time the next night, without any dawdling. So many +girls do things in a dreamy, dawdling way, that must be a sore trial to +those about them: if a thing has to be done, you should do it in a quick, +purpose-like way, and not waste your own time and other people's temper. A +girl will placidly tell you, "I'm always slow, it's my way," never +realizing that "ways" may be very objectionable. We think it dishonest in +workmen that there should be a difference between a man who works by time +and one who works by the piece: you blame the workman who spends twice as +much of his master's time as he need, but, when you dawdle, you spend +_your_ Master's time: getting through with things quickly and "deedily" is +a matter of habit, and the Virtuous Woman practises it in everything she +does. + +"_Her hands hold the distaff_." The Virtuous Woman will not be satisfied +until she knows how to make a dress and do plain work; not that, having +acquired the knowledge, she will necessarily use it, for a woman with +brains and education can employ her time to more purpose, and can give +employment to poorer women at her gate, by putting out her work. It is +burying her talent in the ground if she employs, in making her children's +frocks, the time which should be spent in cultivating her mind, so as to +be fit to educate them when they are older. + +"_She stretcheth out her hand to the poor_." The "classes" are poor and +needy, as well as the "masses:" read Mozley's "University Sermon" on "Our +Duty to our Equals," and learn to see that they also need a stretched-out +hand. We may be very kind in our district; are we as kind to social +bores? We may be very energetic in school feasts; are we as careful to +provide amusements of other kinds for people who, in rank or brains, are +slightly our inferiors? + +"_She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household +are clothed with scarlet_" (marg., double garments). She looks after the +health of other people as well as her own; she does not keep her maid +sitting up night after night, or overwork her dressmaker. She is as +considerate for the flyman waiting for her on a rainy night as she would +be for her father's coachman and horses, remembering that the flyman is +quite as liable to catch cold as the coachman, and has fewer facilities +for curing himself. + +"_Her clothing is silk and purple_." She dresses suitably, richly if +occasion demand it, but never showily. If she has to walk as a rule, she +will not buy dresses that look fit only for a carriage: she will not wear, +in church, a brilliant dress that would be suitable at a flower-show. + +"_Her husband is known in the gates_." There was doubtless a great +difference among the husbands at the gate, and I feel sure that this one +took a specially large and public-spirited view of the business there +discussed. The Virtuous Woman would not usurp his office, just because she +had the power of speaking well,--she would remember the Russian proverb, +"The Master is the Head of the House, while the Mistress is its Soul," +and she would be a very high-souled mistress, and care greatly that her +master should not only be a good husband and a father, but should also +serve his generation as a good citizen and a true patriot. When the public +good demanded sacrifices, she would not drag him back by insisting on his +duty to his family, nor would she persuade him to rob the public stores, +or time, by taking little perquisites or shortening his office hours. She +would feel with De Tocqueville, who says, "A hundred times I have seen +weak men show real public virtue, because they had by their sides women +who supported them--not by advice as to particulars, but by fortifying +their feelings of duty, and by directing their ambition. More frequently, +I must confess, I have observed the domestic influence gradually +transforming a man, naturally generous, noble, and unselfish, into a +cowardly, commonplace, place-hunting, self-seeker, thinking of public +business only as the means of making himself comfortable; and this simply +by daily contact with a well-conducted woman, a faithful wife, an +excellent mother, but from whose mind the grand notion of public duty was +entirely absent." + +The husband of "a superior woman" is usually much to be pitied, but surely +the reason is that the woman is not superior enough. She has capabilities +and knowledge, and has learnt to value them, and is right in so doing, +but she has not learnt the next page of Life's Lesson Book, which is, the +relative insignificance of her own acquirements, and the value of the +qualities she has not got,--qualities which her husband very likely +possesses, only he has not the feminine power of expression. How often a +woman's seeming superiority lies in this gift of words, which, as George +Eliot says, is in her, "often a fatal aptitude for expressing what she +neither believes nor feels." The man often silently knows, and _lives_, +the noble sentiment, which the woman fluently utters, imagining herself to +be its discoverer and prophet. Another point to remember in this matter is +that women are apt to overvalue intellect, perhaps because it is only +during the last few years that intellectual advantages have been within +their reach. Sydney Smith looked forward hopefully to a day when French +would be a common accomplishment, and women would be no more vain of +possessing it than of having two arms and legs! Perhaps when, not only +French, but still higher education becomes more generally diffused, we may +learn the proportions, and realize that, though intellect is a good gift, +many others are to be preferred before it. The more we know, the wider our +horizon grows, and the smaller we ourselves seem relatively to the wider +expanse around us. "Man's first word is, No: his second, Yes: and his +third is, No, again." We start with ignorance and are necessarily humble, +in a negative way: then comes the schoolroom, when we prize highly the +knowledge so laboriously acquired; and then comes the schoolroom of life, +which sends us back again to humility, though of a larger and nobler kind. + +(The tendency of the day is to overvalue education, rather than the +reverse, so I need not dwell on the necessity laid upon the modern +Virtuous Woman, of developing her intellect, more than Solomon required +from his ideal.) + +"_She maketh fine linen and selleth it_." She is reliable and punctual, +and clear in business arrangements. How much charitable work of the +present day requires good arithmetic and a clear business head! She will +not miss her train, and she will write a clear legible hand, especially +when names and addresses are concerned. A good handwriting is a matter of +patience and self-discipline, and a truly unselfish person would force +herself to acquire it, because she can thereby, in small ways, be of so +much use and comfort to others. + +"_She shall rejoice in time to come_." She is not likely to do this, +unless she learns to rejoice in the present also. Rejoicing is a habit +like most other virtues, and if we fail in this, it is probably ourselves +and not our circumstances that need to be changed. "The aids to +_happiness_ are all within," and the Virtuous Woman will take life bravely +and cheerfully, like the heroes of old, and will think it a poor thing to +pity herself and to go about with a long face. She + + "Welcomes and makes hers + Whate'er of good though small the present brings-- + Kind greetings, sunshine, song of birds, and flowers, + With a child's pure delight in little things; + And of the griefs unborn will rest secure, + Knowing that mercy ever will endure." + +"_She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of +kindness_." Perhaps few things have done so much harm in the world as +sympathy! Are we not all conscious of having perpetually allowed the +kindness of our tongue to be divorced from wisdom, so that our +affectionate sympathy has weakened our friend and done more harm than +good? It is so much pleasanter to both when we join in her discontent or +irritation, instead of being to her a second and a better self, aiding her +to see things wisely, as she would see them when she grew calmer. "A +book," said Dr. Johnson, "should teach us either to enjoy life, or to +endure it," and so should a friend. + +"_The law of kindness_." It may seem a small thing that the Virtuous Woman +should never lose an opportunity of saying a kind word, but, if we all did +this, the world would be revolutionized; how it lowers our moral +temperature when some needless criticism is made, or some disparaging +remark is repeated to us! The Virtuous Woman would set herself to be a +non-conductor of these "stings and arrows," while, in "a voice ever soft, +gentle, and low," she would pass on to us the pleasant things our friends +say, which make us feel "on the sunny side of the wall." What was said of +St. Theresa will be true of her--"it came to be understood that absent +persons were safe where she was. It would be hard to exaggerate the power +of influence for good which the confidence she had thus won must have +given her. Her nobility felt the treachery which always lies in +detraction, the kind of advantage taken, as it were, of the +unprotectedness of the absent." + +Some separate wisdom and kindness in another way; they are so anxious to +help others that they stretch a point of conscience, and persist in a +forbidden friendship, in order to help the friend. Now you may be unjustly +treated in being told to give up your friend, and you may feel, and +rightly, that it is very cruel to him or her. Perhaps so, but your want of +principle, in being disobedient or deceitful, must harm your friend +infinitely more than any amount of your good advice can do her good. +_Acting on principle always helps others_: it is the most catching thing +in the world, whereas our words and our personal influence do not help +them one bit, unless God is speaking through us, and making us His +instruments, which He will not do if we are behaving wrongly. + +"_She looketh well to the ways of her household_." She gives her servants +full work, and insists on its being done, at the right time and in the +right way, but she is careful never to overwork them, and to remember that +servants have rights and feelings; she is not only kind, but +_considerate_, which involves far more sympathy and thought. + +"_She eateth not the bread of idleness_." But she never does her servants' +work, or spoils them. Of course, if she is very poor, and has few +servants, she will lend a helping hand, but she will be wise in her +industry, and understand that riches are a call, not to idleness, but to +another kind of work--overseeing and directing, but not doing. "One good +head is worth a hundred good hands," but the head must know how things +should be done, and therefore the Virtuous Woman will make it a point of +conscience to know how to cook, and equally a point of conscience not to +do it, if she has servants who ought to see to it. + +"_Her children shall rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and +he praiseth her_." My Virtuous Woman may never marry, but she will be a +mother in Israel in spite of that. Every woman finds scope for +motherliness if it is in her; one way or another she will find children +looking to her for love and help, and she must fit herself to educate +those children, for this is a woman's main duty in life; she should never +be satisfied till she has earned a right to the compliment which Steele +paid his wife--that "to know her was a liberal education," until + + "Men at her side + Grow nobler, girls purer, and, through the whole town, + The children are gladder that pull at her gown." + +"_A woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised_." I may seem to +have made my last words to you consist of merely worldly-wise counsels, +and to have left out of sight "the one thing needful," but in many other +Scripture lessons we have spoken of that Prayer, and Bible reading, that +"going in the strength of the Lord God," which is the only source of +strength for man or woman. + +I have tried to give a few practical counsels for everyday life, +believing, as I do firmly, that the best part of this world's wisdom is +really one with Christianity, and that the fruits of dutifulness, common +sense, and kindliness, cannot be produced unless there is the root of real +religion. Solomon takes that root for granted, only at the close reminding +us of its necessity; and, in picturing our ideal woman, I am sure we all +see her with + + "A brow serene + Speaking calm hope and trust within her, whence + Welleth a noiseless spring of patience, + That keepeth all her life so fresh, so green + And full of holiness, that every look, + The greatness of her woman's soul revealing, + Unto me bringeth blessing, and a feeling + As when I read in God's own Holy Book." + + + + +Making Plans. + + +_Holidays_.--This is the time to show if school has done you any good. + +At school you are reminded constantly of Prayer, hard work, tidiness, +regularity, self-control: you are practised in these things, and the great +underlying principles of life are brought before you so that not one of +you has any excuse for being careless and unconscientious in the holidays. +Also you are most of you communicants, and you know that it is impossible +to be a communicant and to "let yourself go" in these ways. + +You have duties in the holidays as well as in school time. It is wrong to +spend two months in self-indulgence without any self-discipline. You must +open your eyes to your duties,--practising, sensible reading, tidiness, +and daily unselfishness. + +It may be no one's business to remind you in the holidays, and your mother +may let you alone a good deal, from wishing you to have "a good time;" but +you alter very considerably during two months, and it is your part to see +that you alter for the better. + +Two months means two Communions with definite resolves, two definite +upward stages in life. If you let yourself go till you get back to the +crutches of school, you will have gone two very definite stages downhill. + +Some of you are tidy here, but at home your temptation is to plaster some +neatly folded garment or sash over the recesses of an untidy drawer, or to +use anything that comes to hand, any racquet, or croquet-mallet, or +oil-can, or thimble; your own cannot be found--you take the nearest and +then leave that also lying about. + +Do you think these things do not matter? You would think it mattered very +much if you grew up an unreliable, unconscientious woman, and yet, I do +not know in what lesson-book you can learn to be thorough and reliable and +conscientious, except in the daily lesson-book of these trifles. + +You each know that daily practise is a duty, if your mother wishes you to +learn music. A daily duty neglected, or a daily duty done, means a very +considerable difference in the person by the end of two months. + +There are one or two further points in your holiday and grown-up life +which I should like to talk about to-day. + +_Visits_.--Enrich your life with them, instead of letting them be times +when you slip back morally. Take your conscience with you (but do not wear +it outside), and be very careful to keep your rules, your prayers, your +home standard of right and wrong, your quietness and self-control. Do not +"let yourself go," and do silly things for fun. A great many leave their +sense of responsibility at home, whereas our visits are part of the +regular course of that life for which God will judge us. And keep your +mind open, get new ideas, read the books in the house, instead of taking a +store with you. + +Next consider your duty in the choice of people you live with. First, +there are your relations. You say you cannot choose these; no, but you can +choose which side of them you will draw out. Every one is a magnet; some +attract the worried, irritable side of other people, some the serene, +pleasant side. If you try to see the bright side of things and to agree +instead of differing, and if you say nice things about people when they +are out of the room, your family circle will show themselves very +different from what they might be if you were a magnet for unpleasantness! + +Secondly, there are your friends. Do not let one person monopolize you, or +you her; do not have friends given to secrets, and do not let any one trap +you into a promise not to tell. If her secret is all right, she cannot +object to your telling your mother, and if it is silly you had better be +clear of it. And do not forget that nice people do not deal in secrets, +they keep their family affairs to themselves. It is the Rosa Matildas at +"Young Ladies' Academies" who have secrets in a corner. + +Thirdly, choose your book friends carefully. You live with people in +books, so have a conscience about your choice in this just as much as with +living friends. Some books are bad for any one; a great many more would do +harm to you, but perhaps not touch an older person. When I was your age, +many an argumentative book (which seems thin and empty to me now) might +have upset my faith. Many an exciting, passionate book (which I now read +with a calm and critical mind) would have filled my whole heart and soul! +Be thankful if you are kept under direction about books; but if you are +not, use common sense and conscience. Manage yourself sensibly, and since +you know that you are in a very mouldable, impressionable stage, it stands +to reason that you had better steadily read classics now, to form and +strengthen your mind. + +When a girl reads sentimental and passionate poetry, neglecting Scott, +Milton, and Wordsworth, I call it the same sort of wrong mismanaging of +herself as if she ruined her digestion with a greedy love of pastry. +Poetry and pastry are often the same sort of weak self-indulgence. + +I do not say read _no_ novels that are exciting and romantic, or even that +are silly, but I do say, sandwich them. Face the fact that a silly or +passionate novel is likely to have great power over you at this stage, and +therefore read very few of them, and read many of Scott, Thackeray, +Dickens, Miss Austen, and Mrs. Gaskell. + +Do not read society novels that make you live with flippant, irreverent, +or coarse people, or those who take sin lightly. + +It is not right for a girl to live with people in books who would not be +good friends for her in life, and she ought to make a conscience of not +doing it, even though there may be no definite bad scenes in the book to +shock her. + +Books should give you nice ideas. You have got the making of your own mind +and character in your own hands, and you are responsible for the books on +which you choose to feed yourself, for each one of them alters you for +good or bad. Your book list is a very good help to self-examination. + +There is a great deal to think about and to settle for yourself when you +begin life, but there are three points of goodness binding on every one. +One is, giving time to God. A girl must stick to her prayers and go to +Church on Sunday whether other people do or not. Sunday varies in +different households, and I think each girl is bound by her parents' +standard in the matter as long as she lives at home; when she marries she +should think the matter over and have her own standard. But the root of +Sunday-keeping lies in the fact that she must feed the Sunday side of her +or it will die; and she should go to Church, once at least, to show her +colours. As to how much she feeds that Sunday side, or when,--that varies +with the household, only she should resolve on something and stick to it. +You need not be disobliging, since you can always make time by denying +yourself. + +Secondly, have a standard in talk. You cannot tell your elders when you +think them wrong, but you should not join in, when your contemporaries say +what you think wrong. Speak out then, or at least be silent and +unresponsive. + +Thirdly, do something for other people, some steady kindness which you do +not give up just to suit your own convenience. + +Now, what plan of life should you have? You must have a plan and +resolution, for if you drift you are almost certain to drift _down_ and +not up. + +Yet you are quite rightly looking forward to a time of freedom. But +freedom means being able to command yourself, it does not mean being free +to drift without a helm. + +Also you will be under control to a certain extent. Very likely you will +sometimes resent control or reproof at home more than you would resent it +from an outsider! But you are a stage nearer that sad freedom of later +life when it is nobody's business to look after you, and you have now got +to learn how to use wisely that fuller freedom of later life. + +I hope you have been learning at school to use the comparative freedom of +"being out." I hope that, with both men and girls, you will remember what +I tell you here about not being silly and uncontrolled, or loud and +boisterous. The actual school rules pass away, but there is not one of +them that is not founded on some principle that I hope you will carry with +you and live by. + +The books, the music, the pictures in which you are interested here are +not mere lessons to be shut up joyfully when you leave! They are the great +interests and amusements of the friends whom you most value, and it would +be very disappointing if you did not use your free time in making +opportunities to carry them on better than at school, for you come here +mainly to find out what interesting things there are in the world you are +going into. + +But to go to practical details. Take a girl who wants to be good and +dutiful and useful, to be a comfort at home, to keep her brain in good +working order, and to enjoy herself: what should she resolve upon if she +is to be of use in the world and not drift idly along? She must think it +out for herself, and no longer wait for orders. She must put the salt of +self-denial and effort into every day, of her own accord, and not feel +absolved because her mother has not given any special orders. You are +responsible for your own life, and it is horribly easy to slide into a +slack, pleasure-seeking life which will eat all the good out of you. + +You must not fill the day with rules and employments so that people feel +you always engaged, yet, though you must seem disengaged, you must have a +real purpose underneath. You must be free to idle about after breakfast +while your mother or the visitors are settling the day's employments, and +yet you should aim at always having something to show for your morning, + + "Something accomplished, something done." + +It is more difficult to live an ordinary idle life well than a +hard-working one, because it rests entirely with you whether you put any +salt into your day, and because it is your duty to do much as other people +do, while at the same time, underneath, you must keep to your standard of +Right and Wrong. + +But, suppose a girl wants to arrange her own individual life on the best +possible lines. Had you better make your plan, and begin at once? + +There is great danger, if you wait, that your good resolutions will die +away, and you will never begin. And yet, when you first leave, you want a +little time to feel quite free, and your people like to feel you are quite +free to enjoy yourself. + +There is a great deal to be said for beginning at once, but I am not sure +about it! + +If you feel that you will _never_ begin good ways unless you do so at +once, then begin! But I am not sure that I should advise you to make your +Resolution at once, though I should like you to make your Plan. I should +like you to plan your day while you are here, and write it out: you will +not do much with Resolutions unless you write them. Plan what time you +will get up and go to bed (you should have a conscience about both); +settle a plan of your reading,--what books you want to read during the +first year, what poetry to learn, what subjects to study. Plan it all out, +and then seal it up, and keep it till Christmas comes. Then think over it, +and pray over it, before New Year's Day, and then start your definite +resolutions with the new year. + +But are you to fritter away the time between this and then? No, carry out +your ideas of reading sensible books and doing kind things for friends and +poor people, and saying your prayers and reading the Bible, and write down +every day exactly how much you did. Let your resolution be to keep a +record of these months, rather than a resolution to keep to a detailed +plan. Keeping a record is self-discipline in itself, it means +self-examination every night. If it shows you to be silly and idle and +unpersevering, it will make you ashamed of yourself. Also it will give +you some idea of how much time you can really count on getting. See how +your plan works before you promise God to keep it, and then you will not +make unwise resolutions at the New Year. + +In arranging one's life, it is well to take our Lord's three divisions of +Duty,--Prayer, Alms, and Fasting,--and see how our life and our plans +stand this test. + +_Prayer_.--Under this head you would notice whether your daily prayers, +and your attendance at the Holy Communion, were regular, and how you kept +Sunday. + +_Alms_.--What proportion of your money do you give away? You ought to give +away one shilling out of every half-sovereign which you spend on yourself; +and be sure you spend dress-money on dress, it is not honest to use it on +charity, or books, and then to look shabby. + +But money is only part of the giving which you owe: 'Such as I have give I +unto thee.' What have you got? You have got education. There may be girls +like yourself living near you who have less; could you not start some +sensible reading together? I remember delightful French and German and +Dante readings when we lived in the country,--eight or ten girls used to +come regularly, and we all enjoyed it. + +Are there no old people you could amuse in some way,--possibly with +whist? Or rather lonely people (aunts sometimes), to whom you could write +regularly; people like to be remembered, especially by the young! As long +as you are young your kindnesses are very much valued, and if you choose +to be selfish instead, it is forgiven you, but, as you are in youth so you +will be in middle life, therefore be careful. As I heard Mr. Clifford say, +"As long as you are young you may be selfish, or vain, or silly, and +people love you all the same! But, by the time you are thirty, people will +begin to say they will not stand it any longer, and by the time you are +forty or fifty you will be left to a lonely life!" So begin a _kind_ life +at once, and act towards all around you on the principle 'such as I have I +give thee.' Sometimes you can share your money, sometimes your pleasures, +sometimes your education. And remember that in the work and kindnesses +which you do for others, you must put first and foremost what you do for +your mother and father and home people. "_Haus Teuffel, Strasse Engel_" is +a bad name. The point of that text about 'Corban, it is a gift,' is, that +you must not feel absolved from duties at home, because you do good works +outside. Find out some home duty you can do regularly, and stick to it. I +dare say your mother may not suggest any to you, because she wants you to +have a good time, but think of _her_ pleasure and amusement; mothers +often talk as if they enjoyed being left at home, just to make more room +for you. Keep your eyes open, and find out what you can do to make life +pleasanter to her. Talk over your plans with her; often mothers do not +realize that a girl wants to find duties and kind things to do, and so +they only shower pleasures on her which do not satisfy her. + +If there seems no special work for you, be on the look-out to do the +things that other people do not like doing; that is the sort of person I +like better than any other,--the one who feels "somebody must do the +tiresome work, why shouldn't I?" Nothing you could do in the future would +please me so much as if you lived by that motto; and, if you add to it a +determination to make it quite a pleasure to your mother to find fault +with you, you will do well! + +So much for Prayer, our duty to God, and for Alms, our duty to our +neighbour; how about Fasting, our duty to ourself? + +What is the good of fasting? Is it simply that we should be uncomfortable? +No, the point of fasting is self-discipline and training. This is your +duty to self: not to get comfort or amusement or success in the world, +but, so to train, to drill, to feed and strengthen yourself, that you may +be a good soldier for God. + +Such questions as the proper amount of Rest and Amusement and Exercise +all come under this head, for we ought to aim at just as much as will make +us good soldiers, not to try for as much as we can get. + +We must manage ourselves; we must keep our bodies in good order, and keep +our brains keen and bright. Self-denial in sleep and food and drink are +part of this management. + +Early Rising ought to be on your list of resolutions. Some find it best to +name a certain hour, but then, if they are not called punctually, they +feel the resolution broken, and they very likely lie on slothfully. I +think it is best to resolve to get up either five or ten minutes after you +wake, or are called; look at your watch, and jump up when the time comes. + +When you are up, your Rule of Prayer is the first thing to think of and to +act on. + +And when you are dressed (carefully and prettily dressed), and your soul +is dressed in God's armour, what are you going to do with the new day God +has given you? + +First carry out some duty in the house; next see to your own improvement, +not as a self-ending pleasure, but in order to make yourself a useful +woman, to train you for better work in the future. + +_Reading_ is not the only kind of such training, but it is one of the +best kinds and gives you new ideas. I advise you to try for half an hour a +day, and to keep a list of the books you read:[1] make an abstract of a +sensible book once in three months: sandwich your English novels with +foreign ones: keep a sensible book on hand and, alternately with books you +fancy, read something a little above you: take up some special subject +every three or six months and read several books on it, or else read +through the books on my lists: read no novels before luncheon. + +It is seldom safe to fix the hour very decidedly; some one interrupts you, +and then you feel the rule broken and you get discouraged! + +Make a point of being occupied, keep some needlework on hand, idleness +leads to silly thoughts and self-indulgence. Do not be out-of-doors all +day; have something indoors to show for yourself. Feminine occupations +have a good result on the character, and help you to be quiet and +recollected, to be the womanly woman who makes a real Home for her father +and brothers. As Roger Ascham is reported by Landor to have said to Lady +Jane Grey, "exercise that beauteous couple, the mind and body, much and +variously; but at home, at home, Jane! indoors, and about things indoors." + +Mr. Lowell said that most men act as if they had sealed orders not to be +opened till middle life! I do not want you to waste your life like that, I +want you to feel that you have a definite purpose and that you know what +orders you ought to give yourselves, or rather what are God's orders for +your life. + +What is your purpose in life? I hope--Lord Bacon's words in our Tuesday +midday Prayer express it--"the glory of God and the relief of man's +estate." You go into life knowing how dearly the Lord Jesus Christ loves +you, at how dear a cost He bought you; therefore, not just to save your +souls, not just because you would be _afraid_ to live carelessly, but, +because of His amazing love, you will try to live as He asks you to do. +God grant you such a sense of that amazing love that you may rejoice to +spend and be spent in His service. + +And you will want to live for the relief of man's estate. The more your +eyes open to life, the more you see how many sore hearts there are in the +world, and (besides the well-dressed sorrows which are as sore as any) +there is the pain and poverty and sin of those who have no chance in the +world; what can you do for the poor--you who have so many chances in life, +who have so much love, so many pleasures? There may not be very much open +to you when you first grow up, and you may be very busy with your +pleasures and home duties. Let your mother enjoy your pleasures, she has +been planning them for years, but do what little things you can to +discipline yourself so that by-and-by (when you are free to work) you may +be a worker worth having. It is that which makes the waiting years worth +while. + +Often a girl gets tired of enjoying herself and longs for some purpose in +life, but she is tied in a hundred ways. Sometimes she loses her +aspirations, her wish to do some good in the world, and sinks down into an +idle round of small pleasures and worries. But do not you do that; rather +realize that, according as you spend your waiting time,--before you marry +or find some definite work,--such you will be when your opportunity comes: + + "Be resolute and great + To keep thy muscles trained: know'st thou when Fate + Thy measure takes, or when she'll say to thee, + 'I find thee worthy; do this thing for me'?" + +I was talking over East London work the other day with a worker, and she +was saying that the best preparation for usefulness lay in such common +things as cooking, cutting out, musical-drill, gardening, children's +games, neat business-like letters, keeping your own accounts, a power of +small talk! All these are possible to each of you, and a resolute putting +of salt into each day,--some discipline, some self-denial, some +thoroughness,--will turn you out able by-and-by to do good work for the +Relief of man's estate. + + "Be resolute and great + To keep thy muscles trained" + +that you may be fit to do something to show forth your sense of the +exceeding great love of our Master and only Saviour Jesus Christ. + +[Footnote 1: "Record of a Year's Reading" (6_d_. Mowbray) would be useful +to you.] + + + + +Conversation. + + +Tourgenieff has a story in which three young princes, one by one, went +into an enchanted garden and plucked a magic apple which gave the eater +one wish. The first asked for money, the second for beauty, the third for +the good-will of old women. The third proved to be the successful one. + +If a fairy godmother offered you one gift, what would you choose? I am not +sure that you would not do well to imitate that shrewd young prince! It is +old ladies who can teach you knowledge of the world, and whose good-will +gets you the most desirable invitations! However, you can easily gain +their good-will without any apple, so that, on the whole, I should advise +a princess to choose the gift of being a good Talker--or rather one who +produces good Talk. + +A woman Macaulay, even with brilliant flashes of silence, is not loved: +you do not want a hostess who "holds forth," but one who sets her guests +talking; and every woman is the hostess when she is talking to a man, or +to any one younger or shyer than herself. You should make people go away +with a regretful feeling that they missed a great deal by having talked so +much themselves that they heard very little from you. + +Do you think it is easy to listen--that it means mere silence? I assure +you it means nothing of the sort; it means listening with all your heart +and soul and mind, and making the speaker feel, by your way of listening, +that you _have_ a heart and a soul and a mind. There could not well be +anything further from the person who makes him feel that there is a mere +dead wall of silence before him _at_ which he is talking. + +Listening is a fine art and requires great tact and a peculiar delicate +perception of the shades that are passing over the speaker's mind, and +dictating (often unconsciously) the words he says--words which in +themselves do not convey his mind, unless you are of the family of the +Interpreter in Bunyan, and know by instinct what he feels. + +Only a large heart of quick understanding has this gift; but we help our +heart wonderfully by keeping our mind keen. The heart is apt to be very +blundering and stupid by itself; just as the mind is very apt to go off on +a wrong scent about people, unless you have a warm heart to throw true +light on their motives. + +A _quick-witted heart_ is what I should put as the first requisite for a +good talker; and next a _noble heart_--a heart that cares for the best +side of things and people, a heart which brings out the bearable side of +circumstances, and the nobler side of people, and the interesting side of +subjects. + +Some people are like Kay, in Anderson's "Snow Queen," they have a bit of +ice in their heart, and they see all the smallnesses and absurdities about +them, instead of being alive to the pathos, or endurance, or good-nature +of the apparently stupid lives round them. They are always in a critical, +carping, superior frame of mind. These people can often talk brilliantly, +but it is thin. You cannot have a large mind without a large heart. 'We +live by admiration, hope, and love;' without these, we cease to live--we +wither. + +The best talk is kindly; any fool can point out flaws, said Goethe (who +certainly had a great mind, whatever his heart was like),--it takes a +clever man to discern excellencies. A good talker makes other people feel +they are much cleverer than they had before realized; they are at their +best, thanks to the listener who draws out the best side of them. It is +delightful to be with some people--you are sure of hearing good +talk--interesting subjects spring up wherever they are. + +Perhaps you have a friend staying with you who is one of these delightful +people, and you say: "Oh dear! I must go and pay a duty visit--it will be +so dull, but do come with me." And, lo and behold! that visit is +delightful, for your friend made that dull person into an interesting one +by getting her to talk and show her real self. For the real self of every +soul is interesting, only it often has such a "buried life" that we are +not skilful enough to find it. + +Now, does your way of talking bring out the best side of yourself and of +those you talk to? + +School gives you tremendous opportunities of adding to the kindliness and +nice-mindedness of the world; for there you talk with a large number who, +like yourself, are not yet made, and who are, therefore, more coloured by +the person they talk to than older people would be. + +There are people in the world who never hear unkind gossip or vulgar +jokes, for no one would think of saying such things to them. I know girls +who would never have such things said--who would never get a letter +written to them that was not of a nice tone--because, instinctively, their +friends would feel such things out of harmony with them. + +When girls are silly, or spiteful, or not quite nice in what they say to +you, it pays _you_ a bad compliment; do not in your own mind merely +condemn _them_. They would not say it to you if they felt you above talk +of that kind. You may be above it in your own mind and may feel that your +home surroundings are on a higher level than such talk; but either you +have not had the courage to show your colours, or else you are like that +in your heart, and they know it by instinct. + +See to it that you keep at your best: for the danger of school is the +temptation to follow a multitude to do, not evil, but folly. + +Many, from indolence or thoughtlessness, or from yielding to the bad bit +in them, join in silly school talk, silly mysteries, giggling, criticizing +other people, boasting about home, loud, rough ways of talking, slang, +cliques and exclusive friendships (every one of which is underbred, as +well as silly or unkind), and are yet, three-quarters of them, fit for +something better,--at home they _would_ be better, and at school they +_could_ be better. + +Many people dread schools for fear of wrong talk going on; now some of you +may (through gossip, or newspapers, or servants, or novels) know of bad +things or fast things; and it is perhaps not your fault that you know; but +_it is a very heavy sin on your conscience if you hand on your knowledge_ +and make others dwell on wrong things which would never have been in their +minds but for you. Books or friends which give us a knowledge of +wickedness, do more harm than we know. + +Never have the blood-guiltiness on your head of teaching evil to others, +or leading their minds to dwell on it. Some find it much harder to get rid +of such thoughts than others do--they may be more naturally inclined to +it, and you may have woke up in them far more harm than you guess. + +Your very first duty when you are thrown with others is to see that _no +one shall ever be less nice-minded because they knew you_. See to it that +no one learns anything about evil through your being with them. You can +very easily soil a mind, and you can never wash it clean. + +If you feel the least doubt about a thing, do not say it--do not tell the +story; if you want to ask a question and feel in the very least +uncomfortable about it, hold your tongue, or ask your mother instead. + +There are many things which it is not wholesome to talk about among +yourselves, but which it is quite right to ask your mother about, or any +one in her place, if you find yourself dwelling on them. Of course this +includes everything which makes you feel at all hot, with a sense of +something not quite nice;--everything in books which it would make you hot +to read out loud (an excellent test);--and _I_ include all uncanny things +such as ghosts and palmistry and fortune-telling:--these are not safe +things to talk about, and I ask you as my particular wish not to do it, +though you are quite welcome to unburden your mind to me if you wish to do +so! I think your common sense will bear me out in not wanting them talked +about among yourselves, because you never know who may take it seriously +or what harm you may be doing, though as I have read "The Mysteries of +Udolpho" to you, you will see that it is not the subject, but the +indiscriminate talking which I object to! + +But apart from wrong talk, what sort of silly talk are you likely to be +infected with at school? It is not unlikely that among a number of girls +there will be one with a hawk's eye for dress, who knows exactly how a +trimming went, and how long this or that has been worn; in fact, she takes +in every detail of the dress of each person she sees for a minute, and can +talk of it by the hour! She may have no harm in her, but she is first +cousin to a milliner's apprentice (and is mentally the poor relation of +the two, since the milliner notices these things as a part of business, +and very likely has other interests in life for her spare time). If the +girl wishes to prove herself of different family, she needs to put to +sleep the side of her that belongs to the keen-eyed young lady behind the +counter, by feeding other sides of her mind, and turning her powers of +observation on to other things. + +I should like you to be faultlessly dressed outside, and I should like you +to be perfectly well inside; but I should not admire you if your chief +subject of conversation was the devices by which you arrived at the dress, +or the decoctions you took to arrive at the health. + +Copy the flowers of the field, not only in prettiness, but in giving an +impression that you grow as naturally as they do! Make us feel that you +_could_ not have anything ugly or awkward or unbecoming about you. Your +dress and your rooms and your dinners should be perfect, but do not +entertain your guest with the mere mechanism of how you arrive at any one +of them. Give time and thought to this machinery of life--enough to +produce the right result, and then go on to the real interests, for which +they are only the stage. I do not want a sloven, but I want a girl who is +a real person and not a mere _poupee modele_ to show off dresses. + +Petty gossip is the prevailing danger of any small community such as a +girls' school. Provincial gossip, Matthew Arnold would call it--provincial +being one of his severest adjectives for the Philistines whom his soul +abhors,--by which he means that their talk is limited to their +narrow-minded local gossip, so that when a stranger comes from a larger +world, they have nothing in common. I think his use of that word marks his +French turn of mind;--parochial would be the better expression in England, +where the talk is very often literally parochial,--besides deserving the +word in its wider meaning, as describing talk which is full of +unimportant, local, and personal facts, instead of belonging to the larger +world of ideas. + +English girls, as a whole, are supposed to be bad at talking--to giggle +among themselves, and to have nothing to say on general subjects. But, +besides this, there is a certain love of silly mysteries and secrets in +some girls, which is apt to be too much for their common sense. + +Some girls are so keen to chatter, and make themselves interesting at any +cost, that they tell their family's private affairs or discuss the faults +of their nearest relations. I am sure you would all remember that any one, +with a grain of decent family pride, washes every bit of dirty linen at +home, and holds their tongue about family news till they are sure it is +public property, and to the family credit! If you ever want to talk about +such things for real reasons, always go to an older friend and not to one +of your own age; for an older friend would know enough of the world to +take it up by the right handle and to hold her tongue. + +Again, some girls fancy that a little theatre gossip marks them out as +women of the world. To talk about a play and about the good and bad +strokes of acting is one thing:--the petty personal gossip about the +actors and actresses is on the same level, to my mind, as the talking +about dukes and duchesses by those who read of them in a society paper, +without ever expecting to meet them. + +Again, there is some school talk which is undesirable, though not wrong. I +mean talk about the things which belong to your future life, but which +are just the sides of it that you want your education to help you to keep +in proper proportion. There are interests, such as hunting and dancing, +which are all right in their own time and place, but which make a silly, +empty mind when they are your chief mental food. You come to school to +take an interest in work, and in bookish things generally. It is not so +easy to do this when you are in the full swing of home amusements, and so +you come away for a sort of mental retreat, during which it will be easier +to you to let your bookish and thoughtful side grow. Here you are, and +your home amusements are left behind. Would it not be a pity to let your +mind keep running on the very things from which you have come away? Do not +let your tongue or your mind run on the amusements of home--they prevent +your taking real interest in your work. + +Also there should be no talk about religious differences. Of course, you +all come from different homes and have somewhat different teaching, and I +do not wish you ever to discuss those differences. Every one should keep +to her home ways, and try to live up to them. Religious controversy never +yet made any into better Christians, and it generally makes them worse! + +Avoid Religious gossip about the services and the clergy. Make it a rule +for yourself, wherever you are, never to criticize the clergyman or the +sermon. Very likely you might say something to the point--it might do him +good if he heard it! That will not happen, and what _will_ happen is, that +you will do yourself harm by being critical or amused, instead of making +your mind devout. If your "mind" knows that, whatever it may notice in +church, your "will" is not going to allow it to speak of, then your +critical part goes to sleep. A joke loses its amusingness if one is not +going to tell it, and you are then able to think only of your Prayers and +Resolutions. + +Purity and Reverence are the two main things in talk, but how about Sense? + +There is one class of girl I have sometimes noticed with amused regret--I +dare say you have too--though she is by no means so objectionable as the +other kind I spoke of. She is a would-be child of nature. She has no +thoughtfulness or weight about her; she is an engaging kitten who exists +on the rather inadequate stock-in-trade of nice eyes; she is quite +irresponsible and useless, and tells you so, in an ingenuous way, for +which her nearest and dearest long to box her ears! I would call her "The +Artless Japanese," remembering the princess in the _Mikado_, who says, "I +sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why I am so charming." + +Again, very often a girl of your age gets a good deal of society in the +holidays or before she comes. She comes to school on purpose to keep away +from that, till the right time for it comes (when I hope she will have +plenty of it!) + +Now, when a girl is not much accustomed to society (especially to men's +society), it sometimes turns her head, and she gets an idea that any joke +about a man is amusing. I will not say that this sort of a joke is like a +servant, for a well-brought-up servant puts many a young lady to shame by +her nice-mindedness. Young ladies' academies are supposed to be full of +that sort of thing--for which there is no word but vulgar--and when such +girls leave such academies to go home for good, they are always in holes +and corners either with a man, or with another girl talking about one. A +man does not respect that kind of girl--though he will go just as far with +her as she will let him--and he will tell it again at his club, and +probably to his sisters. If _she_ does not mind about her dignity, why +should _he_? There is hardly a man living who would not make game of the +advances of the girl who admires him, just as there is hardly a man living +who would speak to others of the girl he loves. Unluckily, every idiotic +girl (who is silly about him) thinks she is the one he cares for, and +never realizes how she is "giving herself away!" + +And the worst of it is, that the girl is not only lowering herself, she is +lowering a man's standard of Woman in general. You, each one of you, help +to decide whether your brothers and every man you meet shall have a high +or a low standard about women. I assure you, when I think of girls I have +known of (and heard of from men), I wonder that men have any respect for +women at all. + +We shall never know how much of Dante's nobleness was due to his having +once known a girl in Florence, who never was in any specially close +relationship to him. He met her at the gatherings of Florentine ladies, +where she must have heard his songs, but the most close personal +intercourse they had was one day when they passed each other in the +street, and she bowed to him,--"From that salute, humbleness flowed all +his being o'er." Do you say, he was a poet, and Beatrice was one of the +most famous of all Fair Women, and therefore they are no guide for you? +What man has not got poetry in him, waiting for the woman he loves to wake +it? and what woman does not possess that womanhood which is, by God's +ordering, in itself an attraction to a man, and which it rests with her so +to use--by self-restraint and love of noble things--that she may be, to +every man about her, something of what Beatrice was to Dante?--he may know +very little of her, and care less, but she will have helped to raise his +idea of what a woman should be. + +Women have a great deal to answer for as regards men, and every girl +should do her best to be on the right side and to help a man to be at his +best, by showing that she thinks silliness and vulgar chaff objectionable. +Every girl sets the tone of those she talks with, for every one's +conscience responds to the tacit appeal of a nice-minded girl's dislike of +these things. If you do not respond, it checks such talk wonderfully. + +Boys are sometimes told that they must swim with the stream at school and +join in bad talk because "everybody does it," but the nice boy stands out +and does not, and helps weaker ones thereby. + +Girls have a much smaller temptation in that way--more to silliness than +to actual wrong; but your tone--in these matters that I speak of--helps +your brothers in their battles with downright wrong. Every boy who knows +his sister's standard is very high, is helped far more than he is +conscious of, by her influence,--and far more than she ever knows, for she +does not know all his temptations. + +Women have been trained to nice-mindedness by centuries of public +opinion--they have always been admired for it, and blamed if they lack it; +while men have not been so trained; therefore women have a special power +of helping men, who are, consequently, not likely to be born so particular +about these things as women are. + +Always feel responsible for what you laugh at: very often people say +things tentatively to see if you will laugh: you help to fix their +standard by the way you take it, and you often throw your weight into the +wrong scale because you are afraid of seeming priggish. A man's sense of +humour is different from a woman's; when you go into the world you must be +careful not to laugh just because a man makes a joke, until you are quite +sure that it is one to laugh at. Perhaps your host makes it, and his wife +looks a trifle grave: then be quick to take your cue from her and to +notice what nice women think nice for a woman. + +Very often in talking to girls and preparing them for life, the whole +question of flirtation and nonsense is left out--there is not even as much +said as in Mrs. Blackett's village, where the clergyman's wife put every +girl through a special catechism before she left to go to service, part of +which was, "Lads, Sally?" The correct answer briskly given by Sally was, +"Have naught to do with them--but if they _will_, tell mother." + +The whole subject of getting married, or falling in love, or meeting a man +you _may_ fall in love with, is often smothered up out of sight, as if it +were something wrong. If you have your life so full of other interests +that it does not concern you till the real thing comes, so much the +better--you will lose the pleasantest five years of your life if you turn +your mind in this direction too soon. + +What often happens is that it is plentifully thought of and talked of +among the girls, and hidden away from the mothers and any older friends. +Either do not speak of it at all, or let it be an open straightforward +thing, instead of a Rosa Matilda mystery. So often a girl feels a +delightful spice of impropriety in any remark about a man or a boy. If she +had more to do with them she would not be so silly--unless she had a very +odd sort of menkind belonging to her; but you will find girls (very +unattractive ones, too) always imagining that a man is in love with them, +or else being silly themselves over every other man they meet. + +What I am describing is, of course, very vulgar; but, from the castle to +the cottage, no house is folly-proof, though the outward manifestations of +it may be less objectionable where the manners are better. + +Now, with regard to all the kinds of talk which I have singled out as +undesirable, please understand, that except in speaking of wickedness (or +worse still nastiness), which is always a sin and needs your penitent +confession and God's absolution, all these things are wrong, only in the +wrong place and wrong way and wrong proportion. + +If you are keen about any of them, and want dreadfully to talk about it, +do so; let it out, if you cannot fill your mind with other things; only, +do it with an older person, so as to save yourself from that demon of +silliness who hovers about a room where girls are alone together. He is +powerless unless you invoke him; but remember, he is always there, eagerly +watching his opportunity. + +I advise you to make it a rule for yourself always to go to an older +friend, when you want to talk about anything that might be not quite nice, +or that might verge on silliness. If conscience or prudence give any +pricks in the matter, go to an elder. You do not know how much such a rule +would save you from, and if you say, "but that is impossible, she would +not understand!" then I say to you, "well, it is always possible to hold +your tongue, though _I_ do not wish to impose such a severe penance on +you; I only say, talk to a safe friend, or to none." + +This question of talk is a very practical one in school life. Probably +most of you think privately, "How silly girls are!" What do _you_ do, to +make the mass less silly? That sort of infectious silliness is the great +danger of school life, but the chatter is made up by individuals, who +could each talk instead of chattering: remember that a girl at school need +not be a schoolgirl; but she is in great danger of it, unless she is +careful! + +When you live at home you do not talk nonsense at dinner, you probably +join in sensible talk. Well, do not alter because you are with girls, and +say complacently in your heart "How silly the others are!" Your +neighbours would not be silly if you did not admire it. You yourself are +part of the mass you are criticizing. On which side do your words go--talk +or chatter? Watch yourselves, and see how your words, each day, can fairly +be divided between those two scales. + +"By thy words thou shall be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be +condemned." Are these words too solemn to use, after suggestions on talk +which may seem to you to have been occupied with very petty and ignoble +details? Surely not, for your talk on these commonplace matters really +settles your standard, and that of the world about you, on the deepest +moral questions. The common talk of the day is both cause and effect of +the morality of the day. + +May I suggest some thoughts for self-examination on the matter? One good +question to put daily to yourself is, "How much of my talk to-day was for +myself, and against others? Perhaps I was too well-mannered to boast, but +have I turned things to my own advantage, shown up my own strong points, +instead of trying to help others to shine? Have I tried to get cheap +credit for wit, by sharp speeches, _would-be_ clever criticism and pulling +people to pieces? Have I started, or handed on, spiteful remarks?" If you +like, use another question, and ask yourself, "Was I like S. Theresa, 'An +Advocate of the Absent'?" Or ask, "Have I, by my way of speaking _or +listening_, lowered any one's standard to-day?" Very often people say +things or make jokes tentatively, to see how we shall take it, and through +fear of being stiff or priggish we surprise them by seeming to enjoy what +they were rather uncertain about. It is quite curious how ashamed most +people generally are of seeming as good as they really are; they "hide +their best selves as if they had stolen them." If they would show their +colours, they would find that many of the apparently careless people they +meet do care about the real interests of life. If they themselves do care +and yet try to seem careless, are they not responsible for half the +carelessness in those about them? + +"The manner of our ordinary conversation," says Bishop Wilson, "is that +which either hardens people in wrong, or awakens them to the right. We +always do good or harm to others by the manner of our conversation." + + + + +Aunt Rachel; or, Old Maids' Children. + + +"What is the matter, my dear" said Aunt Rachel to her favourite niece, +Urith Trevelyan, who was spending the Easter holidays with her. "You look +fit to be a sister in mind, though I hope not in manners, to the Persian +poet, who described himself as 'scratching the head of Thought with the +nails of Despair.'" + +"I think life is very difficult," remarked Urith, with a solemn sigh. + +"There I partly agree with you," said Aunt Rachel; "especially to people +who insist on doing to-morrow's duty with to-day's strength. I doubt very +much if the holiday task, which I see in your hand, is the cause of this +gloom." + +"Oh dear, no! I was thinking what shall I do with myself when I leave +school at Midsummer; it will be so very hard to read by myself." + +"My good child, do attend to what you are doing; you are just like the man +in the 'Snark,' who had + + "'luncheon at five o'clock tea, + And dined on the following day.' + +"I wish you would dine off that unfortunate task to-day, and when you have +finished it we will talk about your future work." + +The task did not take long when Urith fairly gave her mind to it, and the +next day she and her aunt started for a distant cottage at the far end of +the parish. Urith seized the opportunity, and began as the door closed +behind them-- + +"Now, Aunt Rachel, how can I do everything I ought when I leave school? I +shall know nothing of Greek or Roman history, or mythology, or French or +German history, or even of English, except the period we have been just +doing, and I have done only a few books in the literature class, and none +in foreign literature, and I have forgotten all my geography, and I shall +have Latin and Greek to keep up, and French and German and chemistry, and +I don't know anything, hardly, of modern books, or of architecture or +natural history, or philosophy, or of cooking"--here, in her ardour, she +tripped over a stone, and her aunt availed herself of the pause to say-- + +"Add Shakespeare and the musical glasses, and you will have a tolerably +complete programme before you." + +"Yes, Aunt Rachel, you need not laugh, you always say girls are so +uneducated, and can't respond to literary allusions; but how are they to +become educated when there is so much to be done?" + +"My dear Urith, there is a very wise Irish proverb, 'Never cross a bridge +till you come to it,' and though this bridge of culture seems such a +bridge of sighs to you, I really do not think it need be. In the first +place, it has not got to be crossed in one year. You get far more law now +than in my young days, for you and your friends are not expected to come +out full-blown heroines at seventeen or eighteen; you are almost expected +to carry on your education for some time longer. It is not safe to count +on it, for real life may come on you in a dozen ways when you once leave +the safety of the schoolroom, but you will probably get several years of +tolerable quiet, and, if I were you, I would not spend my first year in a +desperate effort to fill up all the gaps in my education, and to go on +with school-work in the school spirit. I should take my first year of +freedom as the arbour on the Hill Difficulty, where Christian rested; the +lord of that country does not like pilgrims to stay there for good, but +they go on all the better for it afterwards. I should look on this year as +being the ornamental fringe to the intellectual dress you have been +weaving for yourself at school. And do not forget that the dress and the +trimming are not an end in themselves--they are only to enable you to +leave the house with decency, to go about your business; and at the end of +the first year I should count up my possessions and see where I was +wanting--if the dress proved thin, I would then set to work and furnish +myself with a jacket, by hard, steady work in the second year." + +"But some of my school-work will be wasted if I don't keep it up." + +"Quite true; but do not keep it up simply because you have once begun it; +some of your lessons will have done their work by ploughing and harrowing +your mind, and may be left behind. The use of school is to teach you how +to use your mind, and to try your hand at several branches of study, that +you may be able to follow whichever suits you." + +"But I have not got any particular turn for anything, and it seems a pity +to drop things." + +"Yes, it is a pity, but you are not going to teach, and you will have to +do the best you can. You had better make up your mind, before you begin +life, as to what sort of woman you want to be, and then cut your coat +according to your cloth, for if you begin by wanting to keep up +everything, you will probably end by dropping everything, in despair." + +"Well, I want to keep up Latin and Greek and French and German, and +Algebra and Geometry and Chemistry and Mechanics, as well as English +subjects." + +"And seeing that your day will probably be only twenty-four hours long, I +fear 'want will be your master'! If you had a strong turn for any one of +these subjects, I should say keep it up, by all means; but as you have +not, I have very strong doubts whether you will find mathematics or +classics much use to you. You know enough to take them up again if ever +you wanted to help a beginner." + +"Then do you think Latin and Greek and mathematics no good for a woman?" + +"Certainly not; you will read your newspaper, and the books of the day, in +quite a different way now that your mind has been trained by these +subjects, but you do not need to keep the scaffolding up when your house +is built!" + +"It does seem a pity!" + +"Well, I do not want to debar you from these subjects if you really enjoy +them; there would be a reason for going on, if they were intense pleasure +to you, but I suspect you do them as 'lessons,' and, if so, you had better +forsake them for things that directly tend to make you useful." + +"Oh, cooking and nursing, and that sort of thing." + +"Yes; but I was not thinking of that sort of thing. I meant things that +bring you closer to others; Madame Schwetchine says that every fresh +sorrow we endure is like learning a fresh language, because it enables us +to speak to a fresh set of souls in their own tongue, and to sympathize. +Every fresh thing that you learn brings you in sympathy with a fresh set +of people. It gives pleasure and ease to a stranger to find that some one +in his new circle knows his old home, and we can try to be at home in the +mental country of each person we meet, so as to be able to respond to +them. If you are a genius you can have your own country, and wait in it, +till you meet some fellow-countryman; but as you only want to be an +ordinary woman, 'not too bright and good for human nature's daily food,' +you will give far more pleasure to others, and widen and strengthen your +own mind far more, by being able to join on easily to all you meet, than +by pursuing some one abstruse study, whether it be mathematics or +philosophy." + +"But it seems such a small thing to spend one's mind in learning odds and +ends of other people's hobbies." + +"But I would have a hobby of my own, and do some steady stiff reading, +only, as you are going to be a woman, and not a student, I would choose +reading that linked me to as many as possible of other people's interests. +How dull and shy poor little Miss Smith was yesterday, till I found that +she knew Venice as well as I did. After that she quite enjoyed her visit." + +"Yes, but I could not have talked about Italy. I never have a chance of +going abroad." + +"You do not know when you may go, and if you went to-morrow it would be a +case of 'No Eyes.' You do not know an interesting piece of architecture +when you see it, you would not know what pictures to look for, you would +not know the history of the places you went to, and, in short, you would +miss nine-tenths of the best points, for want of knowing they were there." + +"Yes; I might read up countries, but it is so unlikely that I should ever +see them, that it does not seem much use to read up for nothing." + +"Well, supposing that you did not go, but that you had read books on +Italian Art, and made out a list of the pictures you wanted to see at each +great town--Florence, Venice, Rome, Siena--and knew about each painter, +his history, his style, and photographs of his works, and copied out under +each picture what good critics had said of it, or at least put a reference +to the book where it was mentioned (_e.g._ Kingsley's description of +Bellini's Doge; Browning on Fra Lippo Lippi's Coronation of the Virgin; +Ruskin's best descriptions); and if you looked out all the famous men of +each town, and knew their history, and what parts of the town were sacred +to them; if you studied the buildings of each town, looked up its +architecture, and tried to draw it from photographs and illustrations, and +then hunted out all the poetry and novels about each place, and drew out a +sketch of its history, marking where the local history of the town +dovetailed into larger European interests, and specially where it touched +England--I think, after this, you would enjoy meeting any one from Italy +almost as much as if you had been there, and you would not feel you had +read up for nothing. I should take a fresh country every year, and make +believe that you were going to it next summer, and that you were getting +ready to be 'Eyes,' and not 'No Eyes,' while there. You would have got the +spirit of the country by this, far more than ninety-nine out of a hundred +of those who go to it in the flesh. You are leaving school at eighteen, +and by the time you are five and twenty, _i.e._ before you are fully grown +up, you might have thus visited Italy, France, Germany, Spain, America, +India, which would make you a fairly cultivated person." + +"But it is so hard to get books; I can read Ruskin while I am with you, +and when I am with Uncle Charles I could find some of the others I should +want, but I can't get hold of a course of reading at home." + +"But if you have such a large peg as Italy on which to hang your reading, +you can always find something which bears on it--you can borrow an odd +book here and there, or pick up bits in a stray magazine; several of the +books you would want are cheap to buy, and, if you keep a list of them, +you will be surprised to find from what odd quarters they turn up. People +have a way of saying, 'Oh, do recommend me a book,' as if all subjects +were equally interesting, or rather uninteresting, and they borrow the +first that comes, reading it as a duty, quite regardless of the fact that +it does not belong to anything they have read before, or will read after; +but if they had made up their mind on a subject, the lending friend would +take far more interest, and probably hunt up something that bore on the +subject, while the reader would be more likely to get good." + +"But if I begin Ruskin here, and then go home, where I may perhaps find an +Italian history, and then go for another visit and find something else, it +will all be so disjointed." + +"Yes, it would be nicer if you could go on with art or architecture; but +your reading will not be so desultory as to be useless, if it is all +strung on the one thread of Italy, and then you can group it, as you go +along, in a commonplace book. I should take a large one, and divide it +among the towns I wanted to see, and then subdivide the pages given to, +_e.g._ Florence, under the heads of art, history, famous men, +architecture, poetry, novels, and, as I read anything on these subjects, I +should jot down the substance of it under the right heading, or if it was +a poem, just give the title and one or two of the best lines. And you +could keep up your French and German at the same time--suppose you read +_Corinne_ and the _Improvisator_, they would both help to keep you in an +Italian atmosphere." + +"Yes, I could keep up my reading, but how about the grammar?" + +"I should recommend you to take a very conversational novel and turn a +page of it into both French and German every week; this would keep up all +the rules of grammar, and, though you might make mistakes, you would gain +fluency in expressing yourself, which is much more needed than grammatical +accuracy if you go abroad, for a course of lessons will set you right +about the grammar at any time, but would not make you talk, if you had +allowed yourself to get tongue-tied by not practising translation from +English into French; and I should advise you to translate very freely, and +use the dictionary as little as possible; if you cannot remember the exact +rendering, twist the sentence and paraphrase it, till you can manage it, +simply to learn to express your thoughts easily. I should say an hour a +week of this would keep up both French and German." + +"But you have said nothing of English History and Literature." + +"I should be inclined to drop English History for the first year, because +you know so much more of that than of Foreign and Ancient History, but if +you like it I should take some one prominent reign--Elizabeth or Charles +I., or Anne or George III., and get to know all the chief people, read +their memoirs, and what they themselves wrote, so as to feel among friends +whenever you hear a name of that period mentioned--and read all essays, +etc. that you can find upon it. To keep your mind generally open, I should +make a chart of contemporary history and another of literature, taking one +century a month, and leaving plenty of space for adding things afterwards. +In Literature, I should take one of the Men of Letters every month, or one +of the Foreign Classics, and at the same time read any of the man's own +works that I could. Modern poets and novelists and essayists I should read +at odd times, _specially making it a matter of conscience never to open a +novel before luncheon_! I should read my poets not only promiscuously, as +the fancy took me, but compare their treatment of different subjects; +_e.g._, you might make yourself a private New Year's Eve service, of all +the poems on it you can find--Coleridge, Tennyson, and Elia's prose poem +on the same subject. Or you could make a Shepherd's Calendar for yourself, +and copy out under each month what poets have said about it, and its +flowers and features generally: or a Poet's Garden; collect all the bits +about flowers, and make a 'Poet's Corner' in your garden, admitting no +flower that cannot bring some poetry as its credential. It will make +country life far more enjoyable if you know your poets as Thomas +Holbrook, in 'Cranford,' knew Tennyson." + +"I should like all that, Aunt Rachel; but you have not said anything that +sounds like stiff reading yet." + +"No; and you ought to have something that will tax all your powers, as +well as this general cultivation, which will be all pleasant. I should +take some really stiff book, on Logic or Political Economy, or Butler's +'Analogy,' and after each morning's work make a careful analysis of the +argument, leaving one side of your MS. book blank, that you may put in +afterwards any illustrations or criticisms of your own, or others, that +may occur to you in the future. I should always keep a stiff book in hand +and treat it so, even if all other regularity and plan in my reading fell +through--it would be a backbone." + +"But I shall have so much writing to do if I am to make a commonplace book +on each subject." + +"It will make you slower, but much surer. I know a girl who writes a +review of every book she reads, giving extracts, and an abstract of the +argument and her own opinion of it. She finds it most useful, both as +practice in expressing her thoughts and for reference afterwards." + +"But it would take so long." + +"You would be well repaid, and you would not read any books in your time +for study which were not worth taking trouble with. In reading a book, I +should put a mark to everything that struck me, and at the end of a +chapter should look over the marked bits, and put a second mark to those +parts that seemed specially important, after I had mastered the drift of +the chapter. It would then be easy, when you had finished the book, to +write a review, for you would only look at the doubly marked bits." + +"And am I to do no science?" + +"I should vary your science with your opportunities, because you have no +strong turn for any one in particular. When you go to town in the winter +for that long visit you should get some cooking lessons, and before you go +you should get the books recommended by the South Kensington Cookery +School, and study the bookwork on the subject. When you go away in the +summer, you should take up geology, or botany, or whatever suits the place +you go to." + +"But I shall only have smatterings of things at this rate!" + +"Smatterings are very good things in their way, so long as you are not +misled into thinking them more than they are! They are the keys which will +enable you, in the future, to follow up the subject for which you may have +any special opportunities. They also prevent your being quite a dumb note +anywhere,--it is something to be able to listen intelligently! Besides, if +your mind is open on all sides, you will never find any one dull, for you +are almost certain to be able to gain information on some one of the +subjects you are interested in." + +"I don't see how I can get all these things in, Aunt Rachel, for I shan't +have much time." + +"I think you might manage two hours a day, and I should divide the week +thus: Monday and Friday I should give to Italy or any subject which you +meant to take as the staple of your reading; Tuesday take a science, and +Wednesday English literature; Thursday take a stiff book and half an hour +of French; Saturday take ancient history or mythology and half an hour of +German. I should write an essay every week at odd moments, if I were you, +for you ought to think things out for yourself as well as filling your +mind with other people's thoughts by reading, but you could work out your +essay in your head while walking or waiting for any one. I should also +advise you to make a list of every book you read after leaving school; you +will find it very interesting in after years, especially if you put a +short criticism on each."[2] + +"But surely I had better do more than one subject in a day? I should get +tired of reading one book for two hours." + +"You might vary your treatment of the subject. For instance, take notes +of the History of Italy for one hour, and look out descriptions of +pictures for another. In literature you could read about your author for +one hour, and read his works for the next. In your science, give half the +time to book-work, and the rest to practical work." + +"But would it not be a more thorough change to go to a new subject?" + +"So it would, but you may not be able to fit in two hours' reading with +your duty to your neighbour! On any day that you could honestly be only a +half-timer, you are far less likely to get careless, and to despair of +regularity, if you get a bit of your day's subject, than if you have to +leave one of your subjects entirely undone." + +Even Aunt Rachel's good advice came to an end at last, as in course of +time did Urith's visit, and also the Midsummer term, after which she left +school with the best possible intentions, and announced them at home with +much dignity. But, far from being allowed to carry on her course of study, +it became a study with her two small brothers to prevent such morbid +fancies from taking effect. They won golden opinions from the servants +those holidays, who said that the young gentlemen had never been so little +trouble before. They suddenly became as full of "resources within +themselves" as Mrs. Elton herself, to the admiration of the whole family, +except of the unfortunate Urith, who might have unravelled the mystery, +since the cultivation of her domestic virtues by startling and unexpected +interruptions of her reading, occupied such of their spare time as was not +devoted to the mental exercise of devising new plans for her discomfiture +on the morrow. + +But, happily for Urith, holidays are terminable, and when the boys left +she hoped to do great things. But visitors came to stay in the house, +special friends of her own, with strong theories as to the value of +co-operation in the matter of brushing their hair at night. + +Midnight conversations did not conduce to work before breakfast or to much +energy after it. It was, therefore, with very mingled feelings that Urith +welcomed Aunt Rachel, her outside conscience, whose yearly visit was +usually an unmixed pleasure to her. + +Having written much about her intentions at first starting, she was not +surprised when her aunt, on the first evening of her visit, settled +herself for a talk, and began-- + +"How is the reading going on? You were very sensible in saying that you +meant to begin at once on leaving school, so as not to get out of the +habit of work, and as you have now had three months I suppose you have +something to show for it?" + +"Well, I thought I should have had, but, you see, the boys wouldn't let +me!" + +"I don't see why you need have drawn the boys' attention to what you were +doing; but since they left--" + +"The house has been full!" + +"Yes, my dear, but as you generally do have visitors, your reading will +never flourish at this rate." + +"Well, I couldn't neglect them." + +"No; but they don't require entertaining before breakfast, do they?" + +"No; but I was so sleepy." + +"What time did you go to bed?" + +"Well, I suppose I ought not to have stayed in Barbara's room, but Alice +had so many stories to tell us of her adventures that I did not leave them +till after twelve o'clock." + +"As Alice is by no means tongue-tied in the daytime, her adventures might +have kept, and if you went to bed in proper time, you might get half an +hour before breakfast. But what do you do after breakfast?" + +"Oh, then the flowers want doing, and mamma always wants some notes to be +answered, and then it is so fine that we go for a walk, and don't get back +till after luncheon, and then visitors come, and I must be there to talk +to them; and when it gets cool, people come in for tennis, and as to +reading after that, why, one barely gets time to dress for dinner, and in +the evening they like me to play to them, and papa wants the paper read +to him, and you know, Aunt Rachel, you always said home duties ought to +come first, so I don't see when a girl at home is to read!" + +"I quite agree with you about home duties, my dear; but, though many +things have changed since my day, home duties must have changed most of +all, if they now include chattering till midnight, and taking a two hours' +walk in the morning, on days when you are likely to get three hours' +tennis in the afternoon, and being obliged to play in the last set, so +that you cannot even go and dress a quarter of an hour too soon! It seems +to me that you might get these home duties done by eleven o'clock, and +then get an hour, or an hour and a half, for steady reading, or, if not so +much as that, still visitors do not come directly after luncheon: in fact, +I noticed that you got through two volumes of that new novel before any +one came. Now, that time would have done equally well for history, and +even when the boys are at home, their suspicions would not be much aroused +if you went to wash your hands for luncheon a quarter of an hour too soon, +and the same in the evening before dinner." + +"Yes, Aunt Rachel, it all seems very easy when I talk to you, and I feel +now as if I should carry out all you say, but I know a hundred little +things will come to make it very hard. I wish it were easier to carry out +one's good intentions." + +"I do not wish it for you, my dear; you will be worth ten times more if +you have to exert strength of character, than if everything is done for +you; we ought to feel a little insulted if Fortune lets us live on too +easy terms, though I cannot say, after all, that you have very hard ones. +There now! I have given you quite enough advice to start several girls in +life. I will only add this: do not get flurried over your work, or insist +on doing it when time and strength will not permit; and, on the other +hand, do not be self-indulgent!" + + "Like as a star + That maketh not haste, + That taketh not rest, + Be each one pursuing + His God-given hest." + +[Footnote 2: See "Record of a Year's Reading." 6_d_. Mowbray.] + + + + +"Get up, M. le Comte!" + + +You have all been considering what qualities are most necessary in family +life and what qualities are most to be deprecated--you have, in short, +been considering Dr. Johnson's question as to what makes "a clubbable +person." I find, on comparing your suggestions, that there are +thirty-eight things to avoid in home life (which suggests complexity); +however, each of you was to confine her attention to three virtues and +three failings, so in giving you my own likes and dislikes, I will not +dwell on more than three. + +I will not take manifest faults like irritability or selfishness--we all +strive against those, but I would suggest turns of mind that are often not +realized as faults:-- + +I.--_The Benevolent Despot_ who takes infinite trouble for your help or +pleasure, but insists on your enjoying yourself in _her_ way. (The young +very often do this to the old or to the invalid, quite forgetting that +one's own way loses none of its charm, even in age or illness!) + +II.--Then there is the _Peter Grievous_ who cannot stand a word of +reproof; she is aggrieved or huffy or sulky in a minute--she thinks that +she has a delicate sense of justice, and that she does well to be angry; +she feels as if her mother took a curious and selfish enjoyment in finding +fault with her,--whereas the poor mother has to take her courage in both +hands before saying anything calculated to bring on those black looks. + +III.--And then there is _The Snail_, always slow, generally late, and +frequently a martyr--she has to be spoken to so often that her case +usually develops into the Peter Grievous disease as well. For if a mother +speaks, let us say, six times--in the daughter's mind it ceases to be +reproof, and becomes Nagging. It never occurs to the daughter that she +sinned six times (or even shall we say eight or ten?); she feels that she +is being nagged at, and may therefore cease to attend, and may enjoy a +grievance into the bargain! + +Now, I have slow friends who really suffer from a sense of their failing, +and who realize acutely what they make others suffer; they were not +trained at first to pull themselves together and to collect beforehand any +materials they were likely to want (as you can train yourselves by +settling in properly to do your preparation)--and they did not teach +themselves to start five minutes sooner instead of leaving things to the +last moment. (They think that the consequent family thundercloud is their +sad fate from their being of a slow constitution.) But if you have only +one horse and your neighbour two, and you are to dine at the same house, +it only means that you must order yours earlier. Do not start together and +then bewail your sad fate; nothing condemns you to be late except your own +bad management. + +Especially be careful to be up early when you are going to early service +with your mother; it fidgets her to wait--she recalls all your many +previous sins of the same kind--and just when you both want to feel _at +one_, you start off together (rather, I should say, you overtake her), +both feeling very much _at two_. And yet you made an effort to go! and you +feel she ought to be pleased with you--do not spoil it by that fly in the +ointment of being late. + + * * * * * + +It seems to me that the Benevolent Despot, the Peter Grievous, and the +Martyred Snail, are people to avoid in choosing your family! + +Now, the people to choose for your family party are, first, _the Reliable +Person_. I know one person who is a perfect tower of strength, she is full +of common sense: if you give her a commission she is sure to get the right +thing and to do it reasonably; she knows exactly what she paid, and she +tells you! If she undertakes to do a thing it is certain to be done in +good time; she does not wait till the very day the thing is wanted and +then find that it cannot be got. + +Now, _you_ often let yourselves do a stupid thing, or a forgetful thing, +and then say, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" and feel as if you had wiped it out. Not +at all! You have lost one chance of growing into a reliable woman. In all +your life you will only have a certain limited number of chances, and +should use every one you have--to be reliable is worth all the genius in +the world for comfort to others, and _you can each win this crown_ if you +care to do so. + +One other person I would choose if I were fated to have sisters, would be +the one who purrs when she is pleased. It takes all the colour and air out +of life when people gaze impassively at beautiful things, or hear lovely +things and never seem to have taken them in; or meet kindness and look as +if it was not there. You do not need to gush, but _do_ purr! + +And thirdly I want a magnanimous nature;--one that takes slights and +neglects in a large-minded way, and does not believe people meant them +and, if they _did_, does not fret: one who is serene when little things go +wrong, and does not fuss or worry: one who accepts generously as well as +gives generously, and who is keenly alive to people's good points and good +intentions. Little petty motives and small spites and jealousy die away +in the light of a nature like that. It keeps the family atmosphere sweet +and wholesome. + + * * * * * + +Now, my lessons are generally about the things that can be carried out at +home, or else about the beliefs that underlie them. You know that my +ambition for you is that you should go out into the world and lead the +ordinary small social life, but that you should live it in a great way and +bring great beliefs to bear on it. + +This is a special lesson--the last of all to some of you--the last in this +year to all of you. + +How long have you been at school, each of you? How many times have we come +together here, and thought over together, point after point, the things +that really matter to us? + +Week after week we are reminded by these talks to pull ourselves together, +first in one way, then in another, and I do believe we have all tried. + +Have the suggestions _I_ made and the Resolutions _we_ made, soaked into +our lives and altered the stuff of which we are made? That is the +Responsibility for _me_ who speak and for _you_ who hear: "To him that +knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin." + +A Bible lesson written for you and dwelling on your special life and +dangers is a more pointed reminder to you than a general sermon, and when +you leave you will not get these reminders: one is hardly ever spoken to +religiously after being grown up. It is no one's business afterwards (as +it is mine now) to speak to you. + +Therefore I want you always to keep some religious book on hand that is +likely to _speak_ to _you_. For instance, Bishop Wilkinson's books speak, +so do Dean Paget's and Law's "Serious Call," and "Christian Perfection." +Read a little of such a book every day, and a longer bit on Sunday. If you +only say your prayers and go to church, it is apt to become an outside +thing; you want stirring up! + +When you go out into the world you may drift into the ways of each +household you are with for the time being; whereas I want you to have your +own definite religious life, an inner life of rules and duties: dress like +other people, but keep a hair shirt underneath, as the Saints did. + +And when I talk about this and that piece of advice (advice which is often +worldly wisdom; for goodness and worldly wisdom are closely +allied),--always remember that I pre-suppose the life of prayer and rule +about which I so often speak--only _there_ can you gain strength to follow +such advice. + +But now (pre-supposing the inner religious life--the effort after the +Practice of the Presence of God)--what shall I pick out as practical +advice for a closing lesson to those who are going into the world? + +I.--Always _vote on the right side_ in conversation. + +Very often the lower side, or the _un_religious side in talk (or in +doings, such as not going to Church) is the easier side to take. It seems +obtrusive to show what you feel to be right; and very often the one who +takes the religious side is narrow-minded and tiresome compared to the +others. Goodness is very often tiresome, and non-religion broad-minded and +amusing. (Gallio is often a most attractive person!) It takes courage then +to side with the tiresome one, instead of saying something rather clever. +In youth one has a great horror of belonging to the tiresome side. +Cleverness counts for so much, and it is hard in early life to put +goodness first! One does not realize the beauty of the strength and +principle shown by the tiresome people, and it takes real principle to +show one's colours in ordinary talk. + +I once heard of an earnest religious girl who was asked to a pleasant +country house, and who thought she might lawfully take a holiday, as it +were, and be like other people while away from home; so she laughed and +talked with the rest and kept her real life to herself. On the last night, +a girl she had taken a fancy to came into her room, and, after a little +time, said, "It has been so nice meeting you, but I rather wish your +sister had come too." "But I have no sister." "Why, I have heard so much +of her, and of how good she is, and though you wouldn't think it, I have +been bothered about things lately, and when I heard your name, I thought +it was she who was coming here, and I planned to have a talk with +her:--you're awfully nice, but of course one wouldn't talk about those +things to you any more than to any of the rest of us." + +I leave you to fancy the resolutions that girl made, to show her colours +for the future! + +And then it does not seem to matter--no _harm_ is being said or done, +Gallio is generally an excellent person, and really "So-and-so" was +unnecessarily tiresome in raising the point; and then, again, one's +indolence bids one be quiet and vote neither way. + +But every vote on the right side counts; it alters the balance of the +general feeling, and probably helps some one looking on,--some one who +never let out that they needed or cared for any help. "Right!" has a big +battle to fight, and you and I are soldiers, and must stand to our guns. + +Have the courage to show that you like goodness. It makes a difference, +for no one ever tells an unkind story to a large-hearted woman, or a nasty +story to a nice-minded woman. + +If they tell either to you, it means an intuitive perception that you +enjoy it,--you bring out that side of them; if there is no response in +you, that side of them goes to sleep while they are with you. You create +your world in your own image, and are responsible for what is said to you, +as well as for what you say. + +II.--My second advice is: _Show your mother that you love her._ "In one's +whole life one can never have more than a single mother. You may think +this obvious.... You are a green gosling! I was at the same age as wise as +you, and yet never discovered this till it was too late."[3] + +Your mother will plan for you to go out and enjoy yourselves, and she +probably will not say that she is left alone by this or that arrangement; +but _you_ must think for her and protest against it, and see that she gets +amusement, and is talked to. + +I know girls who will leave their mother alone night after night, or sit +at home and never utter a word. _They_ do not think of it, and _she_ feels +left out. Even if she makes you go out, she will like your noticing and +thinking for her. I believe each daughter fails to realize in her own case +how much her mother values signs of the love which both know to be there. + +You may say, "My mother does not like a fuss!"--Very likely. But there are +ways and ways.--I do not believe any older person is ever anything but +pleased when their little pleasures are seen to be a matter of real +consideration to a younger one. I have watched so many mothers now that I +see it, but I myself used to let my affection be taken for granted. I see +now how much more pleasure I might have given, and I would give anything +if _you_ would do what they say is impossible--_i.e._ profit by some one +else's experience, and try to show your affection for your mother. She is +the only person to whom it is safe to fully express your affection. If you +feel strongly for any one else, expressing it is apt to lead you to be +silly, or sentimental, or wanting in self-control, but little loving ways +with your mother are quite different--they are always comforting to her +and good for you. Every one of an older generation is apt to feel that the +younger one does not want them; therefore express your affection doubly to +an elder compared to what is necessary or right, or wise to an equal, +_because by nature the elder does not quite believe in it!_ + +I dare say you are nevertheless thinking as I used to do. "One's mother is +quite different--_she_ knows I love her best." In a way that is true, but +all I have said is true too! + +III.--My third advice is: _Put some salt into every day_--the salt of +effort and self-denial. Go on with a book though it bores you. Go out for +a walk though you feel lazy. Finish some drawing or needlework, which you +would rather leave to begin something else. Make yourself do something +which you do not like, and which is useful. + +And I say to all of you, not only to the leaving ones: Do not lounge +through the day just because it is holidays. You are not a little child +who has to be made to do things: you are a sensible, reasonable being, who +wants to grow. You do not leave off eating for a month, you do not leave +off growing for a month; then do not leave off growing in other ways. Do +not be _worthless_ at any time. + +Some of you seem to think you will not have to give account of holidays to +God--_I_ think you will be more called to account for them, for then you +have a chance of showing your real stuff. + +And when you are grown up, and quite free, feel that you are still more +responsible. + +Enjoy yourself to the top of your bent, but see that each day you gain new +power to do what you ought, and what you make up your mind to do; and +remember that this power is only gained in the using--and dies out if we +do not use it. I shall be horribly disappointed if you do not gain this +power, and if you do not use it well, "to the Glory of God and the Relief +of Man's Estate." + +Be ambitious--be all you were meant to be; make the world different; be +generous--freely you have received, freely give. + +Some one said to me the other day, "Girls are younger nowadays, and they +go on being young till they are well through middle life. At sixteen we +had to look after other people, but they shirk responsibility, till women +of thirty are content to be like birds of the air, just amusing +themselves, and feeling no call to be of any serious use." + +I said, "Well, _I_ do not like to see even a girl of eighteen with no +_raison d'etre_, 'living like a prize animal!'" + +Why were you born? God thought about you, and took trouble about you, and +has something you can do for Him. To exist beautifully is not enough! Have +you definite duties, which you stick to even though they bore you, _e.g._, +house duties, or reading aloud, or lessons with the younger ones? If not, +find some! + +Marcus Aurelius counted each day lost in which he could not at night look +back on something he had done for others. + +Jeremy Taylor, in the "Golden Grove," says:--"Suppose every day to be a +day of business: for your whole life is a race and a battle; a +merchandise, a journey. Every day propounds to yourself a rosary or +chaplet of works, to present to God at night." + +I have given you three pieces of advice-- + + I.--Vote on the right side in conversation. + II.--Show that you love your mother. + III.--Put salt into every day. + +I would end with one more. I take it from Saint Simon, that clever +on-looker at the Court of Louis XIV. whose memoirs are famous. His morning +greeting to himself was-- + +_"Get up, M. le Comte! you have great things to do to-day."_ + +You will all of you go out to lives that you _can_ make empty and +self-indulgent and narrow if you like; you _can_ shirk duties and eat +capriciously or intemperately, and lie in bed too long; you _can_ idle +about all day amusing yourself, and fill your mind with dress and gossip +and spite;--perhaps you would feel there was "no harm" in such a life! + +_No harm!_ I would rather hear you were dead than that you lived a life +like that! + +On the other hand, every day of your life you _can_ make the wings of your +soul grow by an honest bit of self-denial, by an honest bit of work for +others, by an honest bit of mental work. + +Every day you can be _more worth having_; there is not one of you here who +has not the power to make herself--and to _pray_ herself--into a noble, +dutiful woman. + +_"Get up, M. le Comte! you have great things to do to-day."_ + +[Footnote 3: Gray's Letters to W. Mann.] + + + + +A Friday Lesson. + + +Our course of lessons for this term brings us to-day to Jephthah's story; +to decide on the amount of blame due to the father is not a matter which +so nearly concerns us as to learn the lesson of true womanhood taught us +by the daughter. Hers was no blind obedience; her reason for sacrificing +herself gives us the true position of a woman as a helpmeet, and as a +helpmeet in the performance of public duty. "If thou hast opened thy mouth +unto the Lord"--her father must do his duty at all costs, and she will +help him to do it, even at the cost of her own life. The place of every +woman is to make duty possible and imperative for those about her--for +brother, sister, husband, friend. How many women keep their menkind back +from public duty by their fretfulness about the inconveniences entailed on +themselves? A clergyman or doctor has to face fatigue or infection,--a +citizen wishes to vote according to his conscience and against his +interest: how often a woman--wife, sister, or mother--puts expediency +before him, persuades him that "'second best' will do," instead of aiming +at "one equal temper of heroic hearts." + +Besides the love of her country and the sense of public duty, which shine +out in Jephthah's daughter, notice the plain lesson of simple obedience, +"That she subdued her to her Father's will." + +The ideal of obedience is less thought of now than in the "Ages of +Faith,"--perhaps, in one way, this is only a right development; but, +though obedience is a "young" stage of moral growth, it is a necessary +one,--mankind went through it, and each man or woman worth the name must +go through it even as our Lord Himself did. I recognize the strength, the +North-country virtue of "grit" in such independence and sturdiness as that +of the Yorkes in "Shirley," but the willing and reasonable obedience of a +strong nature seems to me still higher--it is a nobler attitude of mind to +feel, "I don't care whether I get my own way in this or that, or am my own +master; I want to be in touch with the larger, higher life around me," +that larger life of moral growth into which only a humble, teachable +nature can enter. The larger, stronger nature--the big dog--yields gladly +to its master; the small terrier nature loves to find an opportunity to +yap and snarl. There is nothing fine about the unreasoning instinct to +resent an order--it is rather the sign of a small nature. To take the +commonest instances, when you are told to go to bed, or to mend your +dress, or to put on a wrap, or to tidy your room, are you in any way a +finer nature if you dawdle and argue and resent the order? Nothing is so +small as self-sufficiency and self-centredness, whereas humility and +obedience are of the Nature of our Lord Himself, and every humble and +obedient soul is in communion with His Greatness. Dante's hierarchy of +heaven, "in order serviceable," in ordered ranks, culminating in God +Himself, gives us a feeling of harmonious greatness which is lacking in +the scattered units of his "Inferno." It was only ignoble greatness which +preferred to reign in Hell rather than serve in Heaven. + +It may be that, in the maturer stages of life, obedience ceases to be a +primary virtue. I am not at all clear when that mature stage begins,--but +all would admit, in theory, that a noble character must have obedience as +a foundation. I think it would help you if you could step outside your own +momentary irritation at being ordered to do this or that, and see how +unlovely it is to argue and stand on your rights and contest points. The +essence of good breeding is to give way to others; quite apart from the +consideration of the "Fifth Commandment," a thorough-bred person would +shudder at the rude tone of voice, the snappishness, the contentiousness, +the contradiction which many girls--otherwise "nice" girls--allow +themselves to show in speaking to their mothers. How many of you feel +quite guiltless on this score? I am afraid you would often have to blush +if a stranger, to whom you looked up, could hear the way you answer back +at home. + +You half feel as though it were "fine" not to be ordered about;--but the +"best" people in the Christian sense of the word, and the "best" people in +the worldly sense, inherit the feelings of the ages of chivalry, that, the +nobler a man was, the more deference and service he showed to others: +"_Ich dien_" is the motto of chivalry and worldly greatness.--"I am among +you as he that serveth" was the saying of Him Who, "though He were a Son," +"learnt obedience." For this next week, when you are tempted to answer +back--to be independent--to resent being ordered--remember how much more +beautiful, how much more noble, is a humble submissive temper, than the +miserably small ambition of being your own master. Do not be so +small-minded as to contest and resent authority. You sometimes hear a +servant say, "That's not my place," or "I won't be put upon." You never +hear a true lady speak in that temper,--and yet, is there any difference +in spirit between this tone which you would condemn, and your own way of +answering back? You cannot get out of bad habits all at once, but get +your ideal right, and you will grow to it. If you are not living in your +own family, and feel inclined to resent orders, remember the days of +chivalry, when all pages (often princes by birth) spent their youth +serving in other people's houses, and learning the motto of every true +knight, "I serve." + +And whether with strangers or at home, remember Him Who was subject unto +His parents, Him of Whom Jephthah's daughter was but a faint type. + + + + +A Home Art; or, Mothers and Daughters. + + Know your own work, and do it. + + +This is a simple sounding rule, but we all find practical difficulties in +following it. You have most of you lately left school, and I think the +difficulty of the first part of this saying must have struck some of you. +At school you knew your own work,--you had a certain time-table, you +walked with the crutches of routine; and when you left school and found +your day mostly at your own disposal, you learnt that a free life is far +more difficult, and therefore far nobler, than a life under direction. + +It was pleasant at first to be able to carry out your own fancies, but you +awoke after a while to the fact that you were not spending holidays but +living your real life; and then the thought must have come, if you had any +stuff in you, "I must anyhow live my life; am I living it nobly?" + +How can you live a noble life? Bacon gives us, perhaps, the best answer +when he says that "the end of all learning should be the Glory of God and +the Relief of Man's Estate." Shall this be the result of your school +learning? Others can speak to you from experience, as I cannot, of the +glory and happiness of a life spent in the Relief of Man's Estate: I would +speak to you of a preliminary stage of work for that relief, of some of +the difficulties which beset girls on first leaving school, and owing to +which so much noble aspiration and unselfish enthusiasm run to waste. + +I believe one of the main difficulties is _friction at home_; a difficulty +on which I the rather dwell because it is harder, for those who know you +personally, to speak of it without irritating you, or else criticizing +your home. How is this home difficulty met? Some meet it by leaving +home,--which reminds me of the minister who said in his sermon, "This is a +serious difficulty in our belief, my brethren; let us look it boldly in +the face,--and pass it by." Some lay themselves open to _Punch's_ attack, +when he depicts a girl saying, "Mamma has become quite blind now, and papa +is paralytic, and it makes the house so dull that I'm going to be a +hospital nurse." + +Many who are too clear-sighted to neglect home duties, yet leave this +difficulty unfaced, in that they look for all the pleasure of their life +outside home, and within that home allow themselves to live in an +atmosphere of friction and peevishness. The girl who does that has left +the riddle of home life unsolved: she was meant to wrestle with that +difficulty till she wrung from it the blessing, the peace which comes only +from self-conquest and acceptance of all the circumstances of her life. + +Have any of you the lurking thought, "I was born by no choice of my own: +those who brought me into the world owe duty to me, not I to them?" I have +known some say this, and I have known many act as if they thought it, and +I have known some who felt as if God had better work for them to do +outside home, and have either gone off to do it, or have chafed against +life because they could not go. It does seem to me that the present very +general eclipse of the old Roman virtue of filial piety lies at the root +of much of the unsound work, and of the undone work, of the present day. + +Know your own work, and do it. What is your work on leaving school? Is it +not to learn to fit into your home? At school, when you got your remove, +your duty was to get into the work of the new form, and to do it. You have +now been moved to higher and far more difficult work than any sixth form, +you are in the school of home. Are you learning its lessons, or are you +fretting for a remove? It may be you find life so easy and pleasant at +home that you feel any talk of its difficulties does not apply to you; it +is all play so far. But I know so many who feel this friction on leaving +school, that I am sure it must be the case with some of you. + +If any here fail to feel the debt they owe at home--the debt which God +enforced as next to the debt owed to Himself--let me remind them that the +whole instinct of mankind has responded to the appeal of parents; filial +piety has always been reverenced and held beautiful, and the hereditary +sense of mankind must be taken into account in deciding what is, or is +not, a virtue. But supposing I granted, for the sake of argument, that the +original debt was on your parents' side and not on yours, what then? You +remain as bound as ever to show them submission and devotion; all, in +short, that the old-fashioned believers in the Fifth Commandment thought +to be due from a daughter. If you are striving after a noble life you must +give all this,--if you owe allegiance to either the Christian ideal of +love or to the Pagan one of strength. "If a man love not his brother whom +he hath seen, how can he love God Whom he hath not seen?" and, equally, if +he love not his brother close at hand, how can he love brethren afar off? +It is a poor sort of love which lavishes itself on self-chosen and, +therefore, less irritating objects of charity, and is powerless to +influence the home atmosphere. It is a poor sort of strength which shrinks +from the hardest fight, from the conquest of self at home. + +Is not every right and wise piece of good work for others an attempt to +help them to train themselves to live a higher life? And can we dare to +put our hand to this plough while neglecting our own training? + +I was asked to speak to you about WORK, and you may think I am forgetting +this in dwelling on home life. Not at all; I am looking on home life not +as an end in itself, but as God's great training-school for His best +workers; as the special place for the development of those qualities which +are essential to all true and lasting work for "the Relief of Man's +Estate." + +I do not think I underrate the difficulties girls find; quite apart from +her own faults and weaknesses, a girl who leaves school and goes home has +probably three difficulties to contend with. + +First, the change from restraint to liberty, which is a difficult phase in +every life. Will you make it a change from "the rich bounties of +constraint" to self-restraint, which is better still; or will you let it +be a change to the weak lawlessness of a drifting life? If you would +respect yourselves, and be worthy to take part in the great battle between +good and evil, make and keep some rules for yourselves. Have a rule about +getting up in the morning and (almost equally important) about going to +bed at night; a rule against novels in the morning; a rule to read +something sensible every day. Make what rule you please, only keep it, or +you will never be more than a cumberer of the ground. Reading is the best +thing to save your life from being eaten away by trifles. The best +advisers say to a man taking a country living, "Read, read, read;" I say +to you, read doggedly; the snare of a free life is desultory reading. Make +any plan of stiff reading you like, and stick to it for one year, writing +out notes of what you read, and you will be fitter for real work if it +comes, as come it will. + +I dare say you find reading is cold work,--very few women really enjoy +knowledge for its own sake,--you are tempted to throw it up, and to drift +in an easy good-tempered way, which pleases the others much more than your +shutting yourself up to read. And the others are quite right in expecting +you, now school is over, to be a woman, "with a heart at leisure from +itself" and from self-improvement. One of the hardest home lessons for +some girls to learn is the power of sitting idle and chatting. They feel +it waste of time; they long to be doing something tangible; and yet a home +atmosphere is mainly the result of the mother having acquired the art of +leisure. You will be very unrestful house-mothers when your turn comes, +and very unsatisfactory daughters and sisters in the mean time, if you are +always at high pressure, and giving your family to understand that you +must not be spoken to! + +Too often the girl, who by dint of conscientious struggles keeps up real +study, gets out of touch with her surroundings, and sees the stream of +family confidences, and affections, and appeals for help and sympathy +flowing towards the easy-going sister, who makes no struggles of any kind. +Your great wish is to be a true woman, "with continual comfort in her +face." Are your books, and your self-discipline, and your time-table, only +a hindrance to this? Must you starve either head or heart? Why cannot you +seem outwardly at leisure, and yet live an inner life of thought and work? +It needs self-denial, forethought, economy of time, and that most +Christian grace of tact; but these are all attainable, all part of that +Wisdom which "orders all things sweetly and strongly," and which is the +rightful heritage of every true woman. Let no delusion about amiability +induce you to leave off reading and study, only be very discreet as to how +and when you do it. + +Let your time-table be a secret hair shirt, and not a red rag flaunted in +your family's face. But never give up reading and thinking, the keeping in +touch with abstract ideas. As long as you are young you can get on without +this, but, when the charm of youth deserts you, you will find life (and +others will find _you_) a blessing or a curse, according as you have +developed or starved your powers of mind. It may be that you find little +pleasure in your steady reading, and see no immediate results from it; +never mind, read on, lest you become in middle life one of those amiable, +empty-headed women who can give neither help, nor comfort, nor advice, +worth the taking. How many old maids, and young maids too, tied by home +duties, allowed their minds to get thin and empty: when, at last, they +were set free they were silly and inconsequent; no work requiring thought +and insight could be entrusted to them. + +The second difficulty which is felt by many comes from the new lights of +the day. At school, girls come in contact with varied ideals and +inspirations,--they drink new wine, and they go home to find that old +bottles are still used there. Very often this difficulty is greater in +proportion as a girl has rightly profited by school--in proportion as she +has been teachable and ready to assimilate good; she goes home with new +aspirations to be met by old prejudices--prejudices intensified by +half-loving jealousy of the alien influences of school. Are you to shut +your eyes to the new lights, and be as though you had never known them? +No, but do not keep one Commandment by breaking another. The First +Commandment is supreme, Thou shall have none other gods but Him Who is the +Truth; Truth must be obeyed at all costs, but if your truth-seeking +breaks the Fifth Commandment, it probably breaks the Second also, and the +principle you are obeying will turn out to be a graven image of God, and +not the voice of God Himself. Very grave doubt rests on any form of +goodness which is in opposition to your mother; it may be good for others, +but can scarcely be so for you. I know of a girl who got under High Church +influence at school, and who, in pursuit of spiritual good, gets +surreptitious High Church books and newspapers, under cover to a friend. +Another got under Low Church influence, and refuses to please her mother +by dressing prettily or going out. It seems to me that both girls read +their lesson backwards and neglect the weightier matters of the law, +truth, and obedience,--while they seek what is good in itself but not good +for them. Others persist in going to a church their mother disapproves +of,--they say they can get good at a musical church, and only irritation +and harm by going with her. I feel heartily for the trial of going to a +church they dislike, but surely conquering self or pleasing a mother is +good in itself, quite apart from the help given by the service; while, as +to the good derived from the musical church under those circumstances, I +doubt much if it comes down from the Father Who gave us the Fifth +Commandment. + +I should say, mistrust new lights which are a hindrance to old duties, +"For meek obedience too is Light." It is more likely that we should be +mistaken, than that a duty should cease to be binding. Let us take to +heart Cromwell's appeal to his Parliament, "I beseech you, my beloved +brethren, I beseech you by the mercies of Christ, to believe that you may +be mistaken." + +The third difficulty is that girls often fail to see that home life is one +of the "Home Arts," which requires training and practice as much as music +does. How much of our home life is set to music? How much of it sets all +harmony and rhythm at defiance? A true woman is + + "Like the keystone to an arch + That consummates all beauty: + She's like the music to a march + That sheds a joy on duty." + +Do you make your father forget his bothers when he comes in from his +business? Do you give your mother a share in your interests? Does your +brother look forward to his time at home, instead of thinking it a bore? +No one has such power over your brothers as you have: you can do more than +any one to give them high ideals: how many a brother, who has fallen to +the stable-yard level of company, might have been held up if his sister +had used her wits and tact to make herself as agreeable to him as she does +to other people! + +Sometimes it is not selfishness which makes home life a failure, but the +not having + + "among least things, + An undersense of greatest." + +A girl tries to live nobly at home and fails: she is not enough wanted, +her mother is not blind, and does not want to be deposed from +housekeeping; her father is not paralytic, and only wants her to play to +him in the evening; life seems choked by tiny interruptions, such as doing +the flowers, or writing notes, and she sinks into a placid or unplacid +drudge--the aspirations with which she left school have died out. + +Need this be? If she went into a sisterhood or a hospital, the tiny +details would all be glorified by the halo which surrounds a vocation; it +would all be part of a saintly life. Why is home not felt to be a +vocation? Why cannot a girl welcome some tiresome commission or fidgeting +rule of her mother's, as much as if it were imposed by some Mother +Superior? Ought not the trifling duties to be fuel to her burning desire +for her nobleness of life, instead of dust to choke it? You can make them +which you will. + +Girls often say, "I have nothing to do, worth doing, at home; I want to go +and do some real work;" and they sometimes have the face to say this, +while they are still as full of faults as when they left school, and when +every hour of the day, at home, brings with it an opportunity of +conquering some fault. + +Are you ready for real work? Can you take criticism or contradiction with +a perfectly unruffled face and voice? Do you overcome your hindrances to +usefulness at home, _e.g._ do you improve your handwriting so that your +mother need not be ashamed to let you write for her? Do you help her +tactfully and consentingly--the only help which rests people--or do you +argue each point, so that it is far less trouble to do the thing twice +over than to ask you? Are you prompt and alert in your movements, or do +you indulge in that exasperating slowness, which some girls seem to +consider quite a charm? Do you wait till the last minute, and then +leisurely put on your things, with serene unconsciousness of the fret it +is to every one's temper? If you want to see how unthoroughbred such a +habit looks, read "Shirley," and study the character of Mr. Donne, the +curate, who flatters himself that he enhances his importance by keeping +the others waiting while he complacently finishes his tea. + +Do you lay down the law. Do you allow yourself the tone of positive, +almost dictatorial, assertion, which, coming from a girl, so sets an +old-fashioned person's teeth on edge; or do you try to speak in the +tentative, suggestive, inquiring tone, which is not only required by good +manners, but is also a real help to humility of mind? + +Do not say that these things are too simple and obvious to bear on your +future work for the Relief of Man's Estate,--on Work with a big W. They +are of the very essence of the formation of character, and your Work for +others stands or falls by that. + +The sanctifying influence of home-life lies mainly in its necessity, its +obviousness,--in the fact of our remaining unprofitable servants after we +have done our best. It is the school in which we are placed by God; we are +_bound_ to learn its lessons, and do its duties: there is no halo of +self-sacrifice around it--the position rightly viewed gives us no choice. +"I must,"--_there_ is the sting, the irksomeness to us. We can submit +cheerfully to our self-chosen Pope, and seem most sweet-tempered in +bearing criticism and in doing tiresome duties,--the "I must" is not +there. This wilful obedience is worth just nothing as discipline of +character, compared with obedience to our lawful authorities; "Ay, there's +the rub!" + +Is not this very necessity in home life--this "I must"--just the thing +which makes it akin to our Lord's life? Is there not in that Holiest Life +a continual undercurrent of "I must"? His earthly life was a course of +obedience, not a succession of self-willed efforts; its keynote was, "Wist +ye not that I _must_ be about My Father's business?" + + + + +Esprit de Corps. + + +While I was away, I was present at a discussion on _Esprit de Corps_, and +whether it was a good thing in girls' schools. What is _esprit de +corps_?--The feeling that we are one of a large body of which we are +proud. A soldier has it when he is proud of his regiment and is proud of +belonging to it. + +Now, is it good or bad for girls to have a strong feeling of this kind for +their school? Many opinions were expressed at the meeting. My opinion is +that it is a good thing--a necessary thing. But every virtue has its +defect--if you overdo it, you fall into some fault; if you are too +amiable, you may fall into being untruthful; and so with _esprit de +corps_. I want you to have it, but I want you to be on your guard against +some faults connected with it. I want our School to be full of it, but I +want it to be of the best kind. + +One fault very common in members of any large body is conceit. The feeling +of belonging to a fine institution swallows up personal humility. You may +be more occupied with the importance and dignity of your position, than +ready to take home the idea that you yourself are a very faulty member! +Margaret Fuller, a clever American friend of Emerson's, said, "There are +so many things in the universe more interesting than my individual faults, +that I really cannot stay to dwell on them." There is one form of +conceit--or rather of self-satisfaction--to which schoolgirls are liable: +they know they are living up to the average standard imposed by public +opinion and _esprit de corps_, and they are satisfied with this, instead +of trying to live up to their own best self. It is quite possible for any +straightforward, honourable girl to live up to the average standard, and +it is very comfortable to feel satisfied. But if you are trying to live up +to the highest standard you know, you will not be comfortable--you will be +always profoundly discontented with yourself, but it will be the Divine +discontent Plato speaks of. You will be always failing, but it will be +failing nobly--the failure of one who loves the highest, and is content to +follow the highest, even though it be afar off. In King Arthur's court, +the noblest knights went in search of the Sangreal--scarcely one could +succeed in his quest, but it was nobler to aim high and fail than to be +content with "low successes." We, too, ought each to follow the quest of +the Sangreal, that is, to seek to be perfect, and then there is no room +for self-satisfaction, far less conceit. + +Sometimes _esprit de corps_ not only makes us think a great deal of our +own merits, but it also makes us blind to the merits of others. We need +only put this into words, to see its smallness, but it often happens. Some +people's patriotism seems to consist in despising the French and Germans. +No one values true patriotism more than I do, but I detest +"insularity"--that insufferable feeling of superiority of which English +people are so often guilty. We ought to love our own school, or hall, or +college; but it is a poor, low kind of love if it means despising other +schools, or halls, or colleges, picking holes in them, refusing to learn +from them, and being mere partisans. A soldier would be proud of his own +regiment, and think it the finest there was, but he would admire the +splendid history that other regiments could boast, and he would be glad +and proud of the fact that there were so many fine ones. All good schools +belong to a splendid brotherhood--a grand army--and they should be proud +of each other. We can be just as true and loyal to our own, and yet have +wide feelings. _Esprit de corps_--loyalty to our body--is a very splendid +thing, and we degrade it when we turn it into mere clannishness; it ought +to bring out our love for all that is good, just as love for home ought +to make us love outsiders better. + +I have spoken of the faults of _esprit de corps_--do not think that means +I do not value it. No; a thousand times, no! If we had no _esprit de +corps_ we should not be a living body, but a dead, stagnant mass, only fit +to be swept away. What is true _esprit de corps_? My idea of it is, being +content to sink all personal interests--being content to be as he that +doth serve--being glad and proud to fill the smallest post, if so be that, +by filling that post in the most perfect way, you can help on the +perfection of the school to which you belong. I was talking to some one +the other day about the community to which she belongs, and where she +holds a leading place. "Of course, I would black the shoes," said she, "if +it would help the work in the very least, and so would any one who was +worth their salt." I quite agree with her, and I would not give much for +any work in which that was not the feeling of the workers, from the +highest to the lowest: that is the only true _esprit de corps_. + +Some say women are incapable of such a masculine virtue--that women cannot +put their private feelings in their pocket and act in subordination to the +good of the whole--that they cannot sink their self-importance and their +petty jealousies--that they cannot suppress themselves for a cause. +Schools like ours have done a great deal for the mental education of +women. I think they will do something more valuable still if they show +that through their public education women can learn true public spirit, +that school teaches true _esprit de corps_--that it teaches them to seek +the beauty of being second, instead of the glory of being first. + +In acting or recitations, could you be glad to take a minor part to help +on the whole, or would you be huffy and cross-grained because your powers +were not brought to the front? In the Wagner music at Baireuth, the +singers take the good parts in turn, and the best prima donna, as Kundry +in "Parzival," in one whole act has only one word. Think of the +self-suppression needed for one who has such talent, to be content to act +in such a piece and to put her full power into the dumb by-play, which is +all that she has to do. + +_Esprit de corps_ is _the_ virtue above all others which we, as members of +this school, should seek to attain, and, in the very nature of things, +nothing so entirely kills it as any self-seeking; while if you wish to be +worth anything as an individual, remember that nothing is so smallening, +so alien to any true greatness--to the most far-off touch of greatness--as +the wish to be Number One. + +_Esprit de corps_, to my mind, means that we all stand shoulder to +shoulder, loving our school, helping each other; doing our duty in home +and school, and in after-life, more perfectly, because we are proud of our +school and mean to be worthy members, so far as in us lies; helping others +because "our advantages are trusts for the good of others." Remember our +school motto, "Ad Lucem," and, because you have been brought nearer to the +light, help to be sunshine in all shady places. And while you are at +school, have the _esprit de corps_ which will make you do everything you +can, for the good and credit of the school. + +For one thing, be careful to get it a good name outside. "Manners are not +idle"--people are quite right when they judge a school, as they largely +do, by its manners. If girls are really growing as they should in +gentleness, courtesy, reverence for age, and all that makes true +womanhood, it must tell on their manners, and if they are not doing so, +their school is not doing for them what it should. If you have real +_esprit de corps,_ you will not give people who are prejudiced against us, +any reason to think ill of our School in this respect. + +Another point of true _esprit de corps_ concerns those who have +power--whether as prefect, or VI. form, or head of a form, or through +being popular. Power was given you that you might do more work for +others--you are made a chief in order that you may be as he that serveth; +privilege means responsibility--not enjoyment. There is nothing so mean as +to take the loaves and fishes of any post, and not to do its duties; to +order others about, and to be lax with yourselves. A ruler is contemptible +who does not rule himself. Whether we are teacher, or prefect, or head of +a form, or a leader in any way, it ought to make us hot, and sore, and +ashamed, in exercising our rightful rule over others, whenever we are +conscious (as we must all be at times) that we have failed in ruling +ourselves--failed in temper,--failed in carrying out minutely, every law, +great or small, that we help to enforce on others. _Esprit de corps_ will +make us use our power for the good of the school and not for our own +pleasure. + +_Esprit de corps_ means being ready to give time and trouble to all school +interests--without any thought of whether you will have a leading part +given you, or of whether it is very amusing to do it. You would be +unworthy members of the school if you simply came to do your lessons, and +took no part in the little things which make corporate life go with a +swing. You might as well think you were worthy members of your home +because you ate and slept there. Membership in a home means being ready to +take part in all its little tiresome duties; to throw yourself into +amusements which sometimes do not amuse you personally; in all ways to +help on family life. The girl who distinguishes herself in the tennis is +thought a good public-spirited member, and so she is,--she helps the +school and shows _esprit de corps_,--but, to my mind, the girl who fags +well at the match, and gets small thanks and no credit, shows even more +_esprit de corps_ than the one who has the excitement of distinguishing +both herself and the school. + +The clever girl who wins prizes and scholarships, helps our school to +shine, and no one applauds her more than I do, but in my heart, I feel +that the school owes even more to the dull plodding girl, who knows she +cannot do much, but who determines to give her very best to the school, +and to be worthy of it by giving no scamped work. Perhaps she gets low +marks, perhaps she is told she ought to do better,--and quite rightly, +because we want her to rise to give really good work, and are not +satisfied till she does; but whether it is good or not, if it is her +_best_, she has fought a good battle for the school, and has "helped to +maintain the high standard of duty which was founded in the school by its +first and beloved head-mistress--Ada Benson." + + + + +Rough Notes of a Lesson. + + +I hope to start a new lesson for some of you, and I have gathered you all +here to-day, whether you will be able to come to it or not, because, in +thinking over what I wished to say about this one lesson, I found I was +led into describing what I should like all lessons to do for you. My new +lesson will be a talk on various things in which you are, or ought to be, +interested. I have tried this plan before, and have sometimes been laughed +at for having such miscellaneous lessons, but I found their effect very +good. I had a spare half-hour in the week, which I gave to this Talking +Lesson. + +Once I took Dante, and after a sketch of his life and of Florence, we went +through the "Inferno;" I read the famous parts in full and told the story +of the rest, and now many of those children who listened feel, when they +come on anything about Dante, as if they had met an old friend. + +Then I happened to go to Yorkshire and saw several of its lovely abbeys: +I came back with a craze for architecture, so I and the girls did that +together. Neither they, nor I, imagine that we understand architecture, or +are authorities on it; but though we only took the barest outline, it made +us all use our eyes and enjoy old buildings. I often get letters from +those girls, saying that they have since enjoyed their travels so much +more, because they now notice the architecture. You know the story of +"Eyes and No Eyes"--how two boys went out for a walk--one saw nothing to +notice, and the other found his way lined with interesting things. I am +sure, architecturally, your way is lined with beauty in Oxford, which +deserves both outward and "inward eyes." + +Another time we took the French writers of Louis XIV. and we all feel that +Moliere and La Fontaine and Mme. de Sevigne are our personal friends, so +that the value of their books is doubled to us! + +We took mythology at one time, and many girls found that they understood, +much better, allusions in books and various pictures in the Academy, which +are often about mythological subjects. Ignorance on this point may +sometimes be very awkward. I have heard of an American lady who invited +her artistic friends to come and see a picture she had lately bought of +"Jupiter and Ten." The friends puzzled over her notes of invitation, and, +on arriving at her house, were still more puzzled to know how to pass off +the mistake gracefully, when they found that the picture was one of +"Jupiter and Io." I trust you will not cause your friends embarrassment of +this kind! + +Another time we took the history of Queen Victoria, as our way of +celebrating the Jubilee patriotically. We began by all collecting as much +patriotic poetry as we could, which was surprisingly little--I wonder if +you would find more--and, all through, we made a special point of finding +poems written about any of the events. We found _Punch_ a valuable +assistance, and we much enjoyed the cartoons and jokes which had been so +mysterious to us before. Just that part of history which is not in +"Bright," and which, yet, is before our time, is so very hard to find out +about, and many allusions in the newspapers and parliamentary speeches are +consequently wasted on us. + +Now, all this was miscellaneous, yet I had one object running through it +all, and the girls helped me to carry it out by listening in the right +spirit, knowing that I was only pointing out the various doors through +which they might go by-and-by. Not one of them thought she had "done" a +subject because we had thus talked about it,--we all learnt to feel our +own ignorance, and at the same time, how much there was in the world to +learn. + +I want to show you this morning where such a lesson should fit in, in the +general plan of your education. To do that, you must first have the plan. +Have you ever thought what education was to do for you, or, are you +learning your lessons, day by day, just because they are set? I know what +I want to do with you, but I cannot do it unless you work hand-in-hand +with me, and you cannot do that unless you think about the matter and +realize that, for instance, Euclid is not only Euclid, it ought to teach +certain mental and moral qualities which you must have if you are ever to +be worth your salt. There is a story of Dr. Johnson, which seems to me to +apply to so many things. When his friend, Mr. Thrale, the great brewer, +died, there was a sale of the brewery, which Dr. Johnson attended. An +acquaintance expressed surprise at the great man's honouring with his +presence such an ordinary affair as the sale of a brewery. "Sir," said Dr. +Johnson, turning with crushing deliberation on the unhappy speaker, "this +is not the sale of a mere brewery, but of the potentiality of growing rich +beyond the dreams of avarice." This story seems to me well worth +remembering, both because it is so characteristic of the Doctor, and +because it is applicable to so many things. It is so easy to go through +the world not seeing the importance of things, like the common people in +"Phantasies," who never saw what a fairyland they lived in. Lessons, for +instance, are not mere lessons, they are "the potentiality of growing rich +in wisdom and in goodness beyond our highest dreams." + +I should be sorry if, in after life, you should wake up and say to +yourself, "How much more good my lessons would have done me if some one +had shown me the real use of them and made me think, so that I might have +learnt all I could, instead of just slipping through them day by day." No +one can do the thinking for you. Unless you work with me by trying to +think, I cannot really do much for you. I can bring you to the water, but +I cannot make you drink. Yes, after all, I _can_ make you drink, _i.e._ do +your lessons day by day as a matter of obedience. So a better illustration +would be that I can make you eat, but I cannot make you digest your food. +You can prevent its doing you any good. If you simply learn your lessons +by rote and do not use your thinking powers, education is very little +good,--the obedience will have done you good, but, as far as mental growth +is concerned, you will not gain much, for that sort of education drops +off, like water off a duck's back, when you leave school. They say "a fool +and his money are soon parted," but that is nothing to the speed with +which a fool and his education are parted! + +Now, I am going to take the chief subjects you learn, and show the higher +things which I want you to gain when you are doing those lessons, and +_you_ must want it too, or my wanting it will not do much good. You do not +learn Mathematics simply that you may know so many books of Euclid, and so +many pages of Algebra; it is to give you power over your minds, to enable +you to follow a chain of reasoning, to teach you to keep up continuous +attention, and not to jump at conclusions. I do not say you cannot learn +these things except by Mathematics; you might do it by Logic, and I know +many people who have done it by mother-wit and the teaching of life; but +when a person is inclined to trust to his mother-wit, and to neglect +educational advantages because he can do without them, I for one feel +inclined to doubt whether his share of mother-wit can be very large, after +all. The people I have known who are clever, without having had the +careful school-training you enjoy, used all the advantages that came in +their way (though, when they were young, advantages were fewer), and +unless you do the same, you cannot expect to be like them. Also, clever +untrained people often feel very much hampered by their want of training; +you see the cleverness, but they feel how much more they could have done +if they had been trained. Therefore, do not allow yourselves to think +"Euclid is no good, because 'Aunt So-and-so' is quite clever enough, and +she never did it;" depend upon it, that is not going the right road to be +like her. I feel quite sure that if this "not impossible aunt" had had +opportunities of learning Euclid when she was young, she would have done +it, and very well too! Of course, if you mean to read Mathematics from +choice by-and-by, you will work hard at the subject now, but I can quite +understand that those who are not going to do this, perhaps sometimes +feel, "What is the good? I shall never look at a Euclid again after I +leave school--I want to learn how to hold my own in after-life,--I want to +be able to talk when I come out,--I want to be a sensible woman, whose +opinion will be asked by other people,--I want to be clever at house-work +or cooking, or to be able to manage a shop,--I want to be strong enough +and wise enough to be a support and comfort to others,--I want to be a +useful woman and not a mathematician!" Well! that is just what I want you +to be, but I am quite sure that Mathematics will help you to this, by +making you accurate and reasonable and attentive, without which qualities +you will be no use and very little comfort. If you work hard at +Mathematics while you are here, and gain these qualities, you have my free +leave to shut your Euclid for good on the day you leave school,--you will +have learnt his best lessons. + +Is there any great mental good which you can gain by the study of +Languages, quite apart from the advantage of being able to read and speak +when you go abroad? Yes; it enlarges your mind to know the various ways in +which things are expressed by different nations. A person who knows no +language but his own is like a man who can only see with one eye. It opens +a whole new world of thought to realize that other nations have other +words. + +Again, it makes you know your own language. Translation gives you choice +of words and trains you to appreciate delicate shades of meaning; this +helps you to appreciate Poetry, for one of the main beauties of great +poets, such as Milton and Tennyson, is their marvellous perception of +shades of difference, and the felicity with which they choose exactly the +right adjective! + +It is said that barbarous tribes use a very small vocabulary; I sometimes +fear we may be going back to a savage state, when I think of the +vocabulary of a modern schoolgirl, and see how much ground is covered over +with these two narrow words, "awfully" and "jolly." Hannah More +complained, in her day, of the indiscriminate use of the word "nice." +"Formerly," she says, "a person was 'charming,' or 'accomplished,' or +'distinguished,' or 'well-bred,' or 'talented,' etc., and each word had +its own shade of meaning; now, every one is 'nice,' which saves much +thought." "Nice" held its position, for we find Miss Austen making Henry +Tilney laugh at the same misuse of the word. "Awfully" and "jolly" seem to +perform the same kind office for us which "nice" did for our +grandmothers,--they "save us much thought," and are used with a large +disregard of their inappropriateness; I have even been told by a girl that +the _Christian Year_ was "such an awfully jolly book"! Now, I am sure of +this: you will find excessive use of those two words always betokens an +empty, or rather an uncultivated, mind. I do not believe in any exception; +their votaries may have learning, but they have not digested it, they are +not thoughtful, they are "young (or old) barbarians," for it is the +unfailing mark of a cultivated mind, to use the right word in the right +place, and never "to use a sixpenny word when a threepenny one will do." + +History should not be bare facts; it illustrates and explains politics of +our own day; it teaches sympathy and large-mindedness, and the power of +admiring virtues which are not of our own type. The Royalist learns to see +the strength of Cromwell, and the Roundhead to see the beauty of "the +White King." It ought to make the world bigger to us by helping us to +realize other places and other times. If we are to live quiet stay-at-home +lives afterwards, it is very important that we should try not to be narrow +and "provincial," and history and geography should help us in this +matter. + +Poetry in the same way helps to make us imaginative, which is necessary, +if we are to have the Christian graces of tact and sympathy. It is very +important to learn the best poetry by heart; it is dull perhaps at first, +but new meanings unfold themselves every time we say it. Mr. Ruskin says +we ought to read a few verses every day, as we should do with the Bible, +to keep our lives from getting choked with commonplace dust, to remind us +that the Ideal exists. It certainly puts new beauty into life if we know +what poets have said about it, and how they expressed themselves, and this +might save us from unworthy expression. I have heard an intelligent +schoolgirl, looking at a glorious sunset, say concisely, "How awfully +jolly!" I have heard a schoolboy say, "How rum!" I believe they were both +touched, but I think they would have expressed themselves differently and +have got more pleasure out of it if they had been taught to see, by having +it reflected from poets and painters, and had known more of "the best that +has been thought and said." + +There was so much I wanted to say that it is difficult to stop. I have +given only general ideas, but bear in mind--as the main point of what I +have said--that I want you to educate yourselves, to get ready for life, +and to use your lessons here to bring out those qualities which you will +want afterwards in everyday life. + +Now, how will such general lessons help you in after-life? + +First, I want them to help you to be interested in the things you will +meet with in books and newspapers and conversation; you will not hear much +about some lessons, but you will about these things--they are things that +it "becomes a young woman to know." + +Then, too, I want you to leave school with introductions to all sorts of +nice people in books; you will find it do you as much good as social +introductions. Schoolgirls are often "out of it" for a time, when they go +home, because they had only "lesson-book" interests; I should like to +begin outside interests with you. + +Also, this kind of general interest makes the world seem bigger and more +interesting; we get an idea of how many delightful things there are in it, +and so our pleasures are increased, which is always a great advantage. +Happiness is a duty, and sensible interests are a wonderful help to it. + +Touching on many interests shows us our ignorance. I have known +schoolgirls, who were kept to their lessons, Algebra and Latin and periods +of History, and who thought they knew a good deal, because they measured +by a schoolroom standard. When they came in contact with the number of +things that cultivated people of society care for and appreciate, they +learnt a good deal of humility. Certainly the more I read on general +subjects the more I feel my own ignorance, and I think it would be very +odd if it did not have the same effect on you. + +The next reason for this sort of lesson, and one of the best, is that it +ought to raise our taste. It is not enough to like or dislike a book: we +ought to train ourselves to like the best books. We do not think ourselves +born judges in music or art; we submit to being trained before we think +our opinion worth giving. It would be just so with a book, but you often +hear girls quite sorry for the author if they find a book dull; they feel +he is to blame! When I find an author dull, whom good critics admire, I +feel pretty sure that I am deficient on that point, and I try to learn to +see in him what they do. I speak from experience; when I found Wordsworth +dull, I knew it was my own fault, and I read and re-read him, and listened +to those who could appreciate him, and now I am rewarded by his being a +real part of the pleasures of my life. We need not leave off liking the +merely pretty writers, such as Miss Procter and Longfellow. I love +Longfellow and admire Miss Procter, but I cared for them both quite as +much when I was seven, and an author who can be in some measure +appreciated at seven ought to give way to deeper authors by-and-by. Like +Guinevere, it is our duty "to love the highest." The great good of +cultivated homes is that we learn to "put away childish things" and to +admire the better things which we hear talked of. Some of you may not have +this advantage; your people may be too busy for talking about books and +such things, and some of you may be cut off from interesting talks by +having school lessons to prepare when you would like to listen. Therefore, +I should like you to get some talk in school on such subjects--to spend +some "Half-hours with the best Authors." + + + + +Holidays. + + +"Where shall we spend the holidays?" has doubtless been discussed in many +households, by both parents and children,--I wonder if the children +followed it up by a still more important question, "_How_ shall I spend +the holidays?" Just at the close of a term you will not want me to suggest +anything that is like lessons, but at the same time I do not see why you +should spend seven weeks in idleness and novel-reading, any more than you +would live for seven weeks on puddings and sweets. You like plenty of +sweets, and I hope you will get them, but I hope you will have meat as +well! + +There are many books which are not novels, and which you would yet +enjoy,--books which would send you back more thoughtful; and though you +might not know any one lesson better next term because of having read +them, yet you would be a step nearer to being the sort of women you would +like to be. I dare say when you go for your holiday you will get something +to read at the station bookstall. Now, several of the books I mean can be +got there, as easily as yellow novels, and can be got for the price of +_Punch_; they are so small you could have them in your pocket and get them +read in odds and ends of time, out-of-doors, so that you need not miss any +expedition, or any fresh air, through staying in the house to study. In +the same way you could get some really good poem for a penny, and learn it +by heart. Nothing would please me so much as if you all brought me next +term the name of some book you had read, of this kind, and repeated to me +a poem of the sort that you think I should like--which very likely is not +the sort _you_ like, as yet. It would do you good, whether you enjoyed it +or not, for you would be teaching yourselves to like the better kind of +books if you persevered with it, and your holidays would be pleasanter, as +well as better, if there was some effort of this kind to give backbone to +each day. Cooks say there should be a pinch of salt in everything you eat, +and I am sure we ought to have a pinch of the moral salt of self-conquest +in each day, just to keep it sweet and good. + +Perhaps you will think I am always wanting you to read, and you would like +to remind me that there are many other commendable pursuits. I certainly +am rather of the opinion Lowell expresses in "Democracy." He says, +"Southey, in his walk one stormy day, met an old woman, to whom, by way +of greeting, he made the rather obvious remark that it was dreadful +weather. She answered, philosophically, that, in her opinion, 'any sort of +weather was better than none!'" I should be half inclined to say that any +reading was better than none. + +Yet you are quite right about those other pursuits, and I hope you will +follow them; but at the same time, if you have not already got a taste for +reading, it is the most important of all tastes for you to strive to +acquire, as it is very doubtful if you will manage otherwise to do so in +later life. I should pity you terribly if you failed to acquire it, for +you will all find life hard in one way or another, and you will find that +a love of reading is even more valuable than a sense of humour in helping +you over rough places. And--over and above the minor, more "worldly" +support of its power of amusing and interesting you, even in the most "set +grey life"--it is linked to those higher helps, without which, neither +reading nor anything else will do us much good. St. Hugh of Lincoln made +much of good books because he said they "made illness and sorrow +endurable," and, besides this, they save you from many temptations. It has +been well said, "It is very hard for a person who does not like reading to +talk without sinning.... Reading hinders castle-building, which is an +inward disease, wholly incompatible with devotion.... Towards afternoon a +person who has nothing to do drifts rapidly away from God. To sit down in +a chair without an object is to jump into a thicket of temptation. A +vacant hour is always the devil's hour. Then a book is a strong tower, +nay, a very church, with angels lurking among the leaves." + +But although I must allow reading to be my special hobby,--one, however, +which is run very hard in my affections by both cooking and +gardening,--still I quite appreciate other hobbies, and I should be quite +as much pleased next term if, instead of telling me about books read and +bringing me a piece of poetry learnt (by-the-by, I do very much wish you +would all learn Wordsworth's "Ode to Duty" during the holidays)--if, +instead of this, you showed me collections of wild flowers or shells. A +little time ago I saw a charming book of dried flowers, collected by a set +of children just out of a kindergarten. Each flower had a page to itself, +with its name neatly written, and any extra local names which it happened +to possess. On the opposite page was written any verses of poetry that the +children could find about it; and I was quite surprised to see what a good +collection they had of bits from Tennyson and Shakespeare and Wordsworth, +etc. Of course, the older sisters and the mothers must have helped them in +this part, but such a book, made in the holidays, would be the work of +the whole family, so you would have plenty of help; and you will notice +that the poetical part of it is a special attraction to me, as it affords +exercise to my own hobby both in reading and in verifying quotations. + +I think I had better here give you warning that when you come back next +term every one will have to write an essay, describing some one place they +have been to during the holidays. I tell you now, that you may try to find +out all you can of the real interest of the place; its historical, or +legendary, or literary associations, or its flowers, or shells, or +fossils. + +There is one other point of holiday-making on which I should like to talk +to you. Some of you may have read Charles Lamb's amusing essay on "Popular +Fallacies;" I suppose every one could add to his list from their own +experience of life. One of the popular fallacies I should like to combat +is, that "holidays are 'the children's hour;'" though I quite allow that, +like most popular fallacies, it has many grains of truth in it. The little +victims consider that conscientious application to grammar and history +deserves a compensating course of lying in bed in the morning, sitting up +late at night, and general indulgence, with every right-minded member of +the household waiting upon them, and making plans for their amusement. +Now, I quite see their side of the question. It is not pleasant, day +after day, to go on steadily with work, which you do not happen to care +for; to be cut off from this or that expedition, because lessons +interfere; to have to get up early every morning; to lose this or that +visit;--and, therefore, I hope your holidays may be full of fun, and that +you may be richly rewarded for any struggles you may have made during the +term. + +But there is another side of it all, and _term-time_ is "the children's +hour," from one point of view. + +Instead of the term being, for children, a time of self-denial, and the +holidays, a time of well-earned self-indulgence,--I feel that term-time +means self-denial for the parents, and selfishness for the children. Do +not misunderstand me; the selfishness which I mean is forced upon you,--it +is your duty, in term-time, to put lessons first. It may very well be that +some of you feel you were wrongly selfish in your way of doing it,--that +you allowed school work and school interests to blind you to the helpful +things you might have done at home without any injury to the lessons. I +occasionally hear such things as, that school is "so bad for girls, +because So-and-so gets so engrossed with her work that she is irritable +when any demand is made on her time, and is deep in her books when any +demand is made on her sympathies; and when she is not studying, she and +her school friends are running in and out of each other's houses, so that +her mother might as well have no daughter at all." I do beg that none of +you will bring this discredit on school life, for the system gets blamed +when it is really your individual shortcoming which is in fault; you ought +to be big enough to hold both school and home interests! But, setting +aside this form of term-time selfishness, which we shall all agree to +condemn, there remains another form of it, which is a duty. You must put +lessons first, or you will be wasting both your parents' money and that +leisure for self-improvement, which, as a rule, is only granted to us +while we are young. You are not free, yet, to be as useful at home as you +would like to be; your mother has to do without a daughter, to a large +extent, or to avail herself of one with the uncomfortable feeling that the +daughter is losing valuable time thereby, and probably is considering +herself a martyr in having to do unscholastic duties. I dare say the +daughter feels, "It isn't to please myself that I slave at my lessons; +mother would be vexed if I didn't; and it's very hard that I should be +both hindered in them and made to do other things as well,--it's quite bad +enough in term-time to have to fag at lessons." But just consider, for a +moment, this "fagging at lessons:" _you_ feel that in so doing you are +making a concession to your mother, for which she ought to show unbounded +gratitude by all manner of sweetmeats in the holidays. But who profits by +these lessons,--your mother, who denies herself many a small luxury to be +able to pay for them, or you, who are being fitted by them to take a good +place in after-life? It seems to me that the gratitude and the sweatmeats +ought to flow from you to her; I quite see the force of it, if any girl +feels what I have just described,--I flatter myself I generally do see the +force of my victim's complaints; but it does not do my victim much good, +because I generally also see the force of something else, which is of +superior importance, but which the victim, very likely, will not see till +she is older. + +If you have read that pearl of stories, "Cranford," you will remember how +Mrs. Jenkyns, to avoid explaining things to the small Deborah, "took to +stirring the fire or sending the 'forrard' child on an errand." Now, +unlike Mrs. Jenkyns, I believe in explaining my views to the "forrard" +children, as I think the superiority of girls over boys consists in the +remarkably early age at which girls begin to be reasonable! After +expressing such a high opinion of you, I hope you will all prove me right, +by seeing the truth that underlies the theory I am putting before you, +which I am sure you will all be inclined to reckon as a fallacy! + +There is no need for me to dwell on the desirability of holidays being +made pleasant for _you_--fathers and mothers are only too ready to do it; +but there is a need for somebody to dwell on the desirability of holidays +being made pleasant for fathers and mothers. They are too unselfish +generally to speak for themselves, especially in holiday time. I hear them +saying, in deprecation of my hard-heartedness, "Oh, let the poor children +have a good time! they can only be young once; they work hard at school, +let them have a little fun in the holidays." I quite agree: I believe in +as much fun as you can get: I should like to be able to insist as sternly +on your all enjoying yourselves in the holidays, as I should on your +working in term-time. There was a great deal of sound wisdom in that +Eastern potentate, who proclaimed a general holiday, adding, "Make merry, +my children, make merry; he who does not make merry will be flogged!" + +At the same time, much as I care for your having fun, I do not see why +"fun" should mean upsetting all the household arrangements, and doubling +the servants' work, by your late hours in the morning; at all events, +after the first few mornings, when perhaps it is only natural you should +wish to feel your liberty. But sooner or later you will have to learn that +liberty, for reasonable beings, only means being free to forge your own +chains,--being free to make such rules as you know are necessary, if you +are to live a wholesome, health-giving life. Being late for prayers is +hardly a form of self-government which we should admire in the abstract, +though it is very tempting in practice; and keeping your mother waiting +for her breakfast, or else letting her have a solitary meal, is hardly a +good way of being that domestic sunbeam which schoolgirls are supposed to +have time to be,--in holidays! + +Holidays are sometimes spent in incessant excursions with young friends, +leaving your mother at home to look after the little ones; and yet, +perhaps, your mother had a very dull time of it in term-time, when you +were either at work, and could not be spoken to, or were busy over school +gossip with some friend, and, perhaps, she looked forward to the holidays +as a time when she would get a little companionship from the daughter for +whom she makes so many sacrifices. But she is too unselfish to be the +least drag upon you; so she asks a school friend to stay with you, and, +somehow, always has a good reason for really wanting not to join the +expedition, and takes the younger ones off your hands with an air of its +being almost self-indulgence on her part to do it. But, all the same, +whatever she says, mothers like going about too, and, even if they do not, +they like to feel that their presence makes part of their daughter's +pleasure in the holiday pleasurings. You may think it very hard-hearted +and mistaken of me to suppose that you would be so selfish with your +mother, but I have, often and often, seen it done, and I feel like a +little boy I know, who can hardly speak yet, but who is evidently born to +be a general redresser of wrongs,--he is very quickly struck by any +instance of the folly and injustice of the world, and his favourite remark +is, "_Somebody_ ought to tell them; why shouldn't I?" Now, _somebody_ +ought to say this about mothers, and the mothers who do the unselfish +things are the last people who will ever remind you that they, too, have +feelings, so I will usurp that little boy's office, and tell you myself, +for I am quite sure that, if it ever struck you, you would be shocked at +doing it, but, + + "Evil is wrought by want of thought, + As well as want of heart." + +However, I do not intend to make this my closing quotation, as I am sure +my children will have plenty of both heart and thought, and that they will +shed around them a full supply of that sunshine which the weather seems so +determined to deny us! I suppose we must allow, with Southey's old woman, +that "any weather is better than none," but it is incontestable that we +seem likely to have every opportunity afforded us, during these holidays, +at all events, of + + "Making a sunshine in a _shady_ place." + + + + +Sunday. + + +In many ways this is a disquieting age in which to live, and yet it is +also markedly hopeful. It is true that the power of authority and of +custom is crumbling on many sides, but surely this should lead to the +laying of deeper and truer foundations. In this very question of Sunday, +the Fourth Commandment used to settle the question, whereas now we +investigate its origins and claims in a way which sounds rebellious and +unfilial. Yet it may be nearer the mind of Christ than unthinking +obedience, for the servant accepts with blind obedience this or that rule +spoken by his master; the friend, the son, strives to understand "his +father's innermost mind." He may or may not be convinced that certain +words spoken on Mount Sinai, about the Jewish Sabbath, were intended to +refer to the Christian Sunday; but, in either case, he realizes the nature +of the spiritual life, and perceives that worship and thought and time are +essential to it. He sees that the old Jewish rule tends to develop this +spiritual life, and therefore, until he finds a better way, he feels it +morally binding on himself; not because it was a Jewish rule, but because +it assists his own growth. + +Suppose a master admired a bed of lilies and said, "Let me always find +some here;" if a landslip destroyed that bed, a slave might feel absolved +from further trouble about lilies, but the son would say, "No; we can give +my father what he wants by growing them elsewhere--it was not so much the +bed, as the lilies, that he really cared for." + +God will look in us for the lilies of peace and spiritual-mindedness, +which only grow where there is what the old Babylonians called "a Sabbath +of the heart." Are we to feel absolved from responding to His demand +because old Jewish ways have vanished? When St. Paul speaks so slightingly +of "times and seasons and Sabbaths," does he mean that the worship and +meditation belonging to such seasons were valueless? No; he is rather +saying, "How can you think that our Father values, not the lilies, but +only the fact of their growing on this or that bit of earth?" + +Every day, landslips are altering the features of God's great garden--this +present world. We can no longer rely on definite instructions to plant in +this or that place; many circumstances, as yet unborn, may hinder it. But +we must get it well into our minds that the Master will certainly come +down into His garden to ask for lilies, and that we must plant without +delay; tools and methods may be improved upon, certain aspects which are +now favourable may be deprived of sun by future buildings, but let us +clearly realize that the end and object of having a garden is to grow +flowers, though ways and means may vary with the times. + +It is much easier to follow rules than to be inspired with the burning +desire to produce flowers and the moral thoughtfulness which uses the best +methods of the day. + +But you can less well afford to do without moral thoughtfulness now than +you could have done a generation ago. Thirty years ago a woman's path was +hedged in by signposts and by-laws, and danger-signals, to which she +attended as a matter of course; to-day, she has to find her way across a +moorland with uncertain tracks, which she may desert at will. She needs to +know something of the stars to guide her now--she needs nobler and deeper +teaching than in the days of convenances and chaperons. + +At present you have your home ways to guide, but you will find Sunday vary +in almost every house you stay in, and when you marry you will have to set +the tone of a household; if you are to keep Sunday rightly in the future, +you must learn now to value it rightly, and that means moral +thoughtfulness,--a realization of our need of an inner life and of what +that inner life requires for its sustenance, and an appreciation of the +teaching of the Church Catechism, which tells us that our duty to God +begins with Worship. + +What can we say as to the positive duty of keeping Sunday? We can hardly +say we are literally bound by the Jewish Sabbath, since, for Jewish +Christians, the Sabbath and Sunday existed for some time side by side, as +separate institutions; Sunday being a day of united worship, while the +Sabbath supplied retirement from the world. + +Gentiles kept Sunday only; but gradually there were incorporated into it +all the spiritual elements of the Sabbath. In this point, as in all +others, the underlying eternal meaning of the Law was recoined and +reissued by Christianity; no jot or tittle of its spirit passed away. + +In "The English Sunday,"[4] by Canon Bernard, you will find a short sketch +of the history of the day; its universal acceptance through the decree of +Constantine, which organized the popular custom of a weekly holiday; the +resistance of Luther and Calvin to any idea of being bound by the Jewish +Sabbath; the Anglican idea of Church Services combined with the Book of +Sports; the Puritan idea of a day of retirement from worldly business and +amusement; and, finally, the gradual acceptance of this last idea by the +English national conscience, so that High Churchmen, like Law and Nelson, +echoed the Puritan ideal, and the average business Englishman accepted it +as the right thing. + +I am convinced that the vigour of the nation and the health of our own +souls depends on keeping Sunday,--not only by going to Church, but by so +arranging it that we get into an unworldly atmosphere, and have leisure +for the thought and reading which develop our spiritual nature. + +Such a Sunday is the development of the Fourth Commandment, keeping it in +the spirit though not in the letter. + +I am inclined to think that the Fourth Commandment is the most important +of all: if that is faithfully observed--if we spend due time in God's +Presence looking at things as He does, judging ourselves by His +standard--then the rest of our lives must in time get raised to the level +of those "golden hours;" we are as certain to improve as a person who +regularly goes up into bracing air is certain to grow stronger. + +Bishop Wordsworth's hymn suggests the highest lines on which to take the +subject, and I would ask, are you specially careful to come to breakfast +full of sunshine on Sunday mornings, as on a "day of rest and gladness"? +Is it a cooling fountain to you? Do you soak yourself enough in good +thoughts to be more soothed and peaceful than you were on Saturday? Was +last Sunday a Pisgah's mountain?--did you cast so much as a glance at the +promised Land, at what will make the true joy of Heaven, the being like +Christ? did you seriously think over where you were unlike Him and where +you could be more like Him in the coming week? "New graces ever +gaining:"--did you gain any grace at all last Sunday--or would this week +have been exactly the same if Sunday had been wiped out? Make up a prayer, +for Saturday's use, on the ideas in this hymn, or use the hymn in your +prayers, as inspiration on Saturday night and as self-examination on +Sunday night. + +Sunday should, as the Warden of Keble says, be a day of new plans for +using the coming week better than we did the last, and this implies quiet +time for thoughtfully considering both the past and the coming week. On +Sunday we should breathe different air and see weekday vexations from a +Sunday point of view. + +Our Sunday reading may well include all that is referred to in Phil. iv. +8: "Whatsoever things are noble." I would not say this or that book is +wrong on Sunday--a book which is good on Saturday does not become bad on +Sunday, but, as is the case with many excellent weekday employments, it +may very well be a misuse of Sunday time, because we could be doing +something better. I strongly advise you to make your Sunday books--and as +far as possible all your Sunday habits--different from those of the week, +if only to give yourself a chance of getting out of grooves, of getting +that complete change of air which is so conducive to a new start in one's +inner life and mental vigour. Lord Lawrence's Life would be splendid +Sunday reading, but if you are reading it in the week, you would be wise +to put it away on Sunday in favour of a change of air. + +It is quite possible that you are busy on Sunday, sometimes a father or +brothers, hard at work all the week, want you to amuse them on Sunday. Or +you may be busy with Sunday-school or Classes, which equally prevents the +personal keeping of Sunday, while many household arrangements may make an +old-fashioned Sunday impossible. (Let those who can have it be thankful +instead of rebelling at its dulness!) + +At the same time, I would suggest that the very young men for whose sake +you are making the sacrifice--(the sacrifice of doing things which amuse +you as much as them, sometimes more, since a young man occasionally likes +to lie in a hammock and read, without having the girls always +about)--those very young men need Sunday quiet whether they desire it or +not. + +Would it not be well also, if you do have games, to keep to those which +allow of talk if the impulse comes, since a Sunday talk is often a help, +and whether or no it is combined with boating or golf. + +I do not say to you, stand out against household ways and make yourself +disagreeable by carrying out a Puritan Sunday--the only kind I believe in. +No; surely that would be a very unchristlike way of spending Sunday. + +But every girl knows the difference between helping to make a pleasant +family circle and lounging idly through the day in self-indulgent gossip +and games. You must do what others do, and yet you must have a clear plan +of the reading and prayer and thinking which is right for you personally. +If you cannot do it at one time on Sunday, find another, or else get it +done on Saturday. Nearly every one could find time for Sunday duties, only +you would rather not, because they are dull. I am not surprised, it is not +natural to like them till the spiritual nature is alive in you, but that +will never be until you force yourself to take this spiritual food as a +duty, or rather, as essential to your life. + + "A Sabbath well spent + Brings a week of content + And strength for the toils of the morrow." + +Those are very old words by Sir Matthew Hale: I know them framed in the +hall of an old-fashioned country house, and they bring back to me rest and +quiet, and sweet sounds and scents--the bowl of roses and the pretty old +chintz on the sofa just under the words. + +I hope Sunday-like Sundays are not only to be found in old houses, but we +all feel that Sunday quiet is likely to be the first thing sacrificed in +the rush and bustle of modern life. But if we have no time to eat, we +cannot keep up to working pitch, we lose vitality: if we have no time for +spiritual food, our souls lose vitality, and unfortunately starvation of +the soul is a painless process, so we may unconsciously be getting weaker +and weaker spiritually. + +You are regularly on your knees night and morning, but are you ever two +minutes alone with God?--and yet "being silent to God"--alone with +Him--is, humanly speaking, the only condition on which He can "mould +us."[5] I am so afraid that the lawful pleasures and even the commanded +duties of life, let alone its excitements and cravings, will eat out your +possibilities of spirituality and saintliness: it is so easy to float on +the stream of life with others--so terribly hard to come, you yourself, +alone into a desert place to listen to those words out of the mouth of +God, by which only your individual life can be fed. The self-denials of +Lent are comparatively easy, but to gain that quietness, which Bishop Gore +says is "the essence of Lent," is a hard struggle at all times of the +year. Do not let any one think, "this is all very well for quiet homes, +but I cannot be expected to act on it, since 'the week-end' is always so +busy." It would be very unpractical to say, day after day, "I cannot be +expected, for this and that excellent reason, to eat my dinner to-day." +You would soon find it advisable, for your own sake, to find some time at +which you _could_ eat. I do not say, though it would be true, "it is a sin +to break the Sabbath, and, in order to avoid God's anger, you must go to +Church and read good books;"--I say, "for your own sake, you _cannot +afford_ to neglect these things, and if you cannot find time on Sunday, it +will be not only a crime but a blunder if you do not make time on Saturday +or Monday." I only say, "if you do not eat enough to keep you alive, you +will die; and if you do not feed on the Word of God, your soul will +shrivel away." + +Dante saw some souls in hell whose bodies were still alive on +earth,--their friends in Florence and Lucca had not the faintest idea that +these men, seemingly a part of everyday life, were, all the time, "dead +souls." There is hardly a more terrible idea in all that terrible book, +and yet it is a possibility in our own daily life--this atrophy of the +spiritual nature, corresponding to the atrophy of the poetical nature +which Darwin noted in himself as due to his own neglect. Mr. Clifford, in +"A Likely Story," forcibly depicts a soul awaking in the next world to +find that through this unconscious starvation, there was no longer +anything in him to correspond with God. "The possibility of death is +involved in our Lord's words about the power of living by the Word of +God." + +Sometimes we are too tired to keep Sunday properly, and we give to +"private sloth the time which was meant for public worship;" but surely +then the Sabbath breaking lay really in the week's excess of work. If we +allow ourselves to live so hard in the week, to be so late on Saturday, +that we are sleepy and stupid on Sunday morning, then we are not keeping +the Fourth Commandment, even if we force ourselves to go to Church; we are +not serving God with a fair share of our mind and strength. + +In these over-worked days of nerve exhaustion, it should be an inducement +to remember how fresh and unwearied Mr. Gladstone was kept by his regular +Sunday habits. He said, "Sunday I reserve for religious employments, and +this has kept me alive and well, even to a marvel, in time of considerable +labour. We are born on each Lord's day morning into a new climate, where +the lungs and heart of the Christian life should drink in continuously the +vital air." + +Retreats and Rest-cures are nowadays found to be imperatively necessary; +but are not both symptoms of something over-wrought in our system? Would +it not be well for some if they tried, as Miss Wordsworth suggests, the +effect of keeping one Sunday in the week? + +I do not wish to dwell on the unselfish side of the question--the moral +obligation of keeping to those forms of entertainment and games which give +as little trouble as possible to servants,--I am sure that needs no +enforcing on a generous mind. + +Neither do I wish to discuss what employments are suitable for Sunday, +though I should like to draw your attention to a suggestion, in the Bishop +of Salisbury's Guild Manual, that Sunday letters should always, as a +matter of principle, have some Sunday element in them, and that we should +refrain from writing to people with whom we were not on this footing. How +often our Sunday letters only clear our writing-table, that it may be +freer for Monday's business! + +Neither do I speak of our duty to God in the matter of worship, nor of the +definite rules as to church-going which each must make for herself, if her +religion is not to vary with every house she stays in; I do not speak of +the obligation binding on every member of the Church to conform to her +Church's regulations as to united worship. Every one of these points need +a chapter to itself, and I wish to keep to a single point which seems in +great danger of being neglected in this hurrying age, when there is such +terrible likelihood that we may "never once possess our souls before we +die." + +It is not the duty of keeping Sunday on which I want to lay stress, but +the fact that we dare not, for our own safety's sake, neglect it. Our +moral thoughtfulness, our spiritual growth, the very existence of our +inner life, depends on our obtaining a sufficient supply of the air of +Heaven to keep our souls alive. To use Dean Church's words: "On the way in +which we spend our Sundays depends, for most of us, the depth, the +reality, the steadiness, of our spiritual life." + +[Footnote 4: Methuen. 1_s. 6d._] + +[Footnote 5: "Be silent to God, and let Him mould thee."--Ps. xxxvii. 7.] + + + + +Friendship and Love. + + "The fountains of my hidden life + Are through thy friendship fair." + + +No word in our language has a nobler meaning than "friendship;" it is a +pity that none is more often abused. Every hasty intimacy formed by force +of circumstances--often merely by force of living next door--is dignified +with the title; but a deeper bond is needed to make a real friendship. "By +true friendship," says Jeremy Taylor, "I mean the greatest love, and the +greatest usefulness, and the most open communication, and the noblest +suffering, and the most exemplary faithfulness, and the severest truth, +and the heartiest counsel, and the greatest union of minds of which brave +men and women are capable." + +"Friendship is the perfection of love," says the Proverb, and a certain +James Colebrooke and Mary his wife, buried in Chilham churchyard, seem to +have been of this mind, for the climax of their long epitaph is, that they +"lived for forty-seven years in the greatest friendship." + +Proverbs on this subject abound, and teach varied lessons: "A faithful +friend is the medicine of life;" but it would seem to act differently on +different constitutions, for, on the one hand, we are told, "a Father is a +Treasure, a Brother is a Comforter, a Friend is both;" on the other, we +hear the familiar exclamation, "Save me from my friends!" which is +justified by experience from the times of Aristides downwards, and is +endorsed by Solomon, when he said, "He that blesseth his friend with a +loud voice rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to +him;"--words of which the wisdom will be felt by all who know what it is +to feel unreasoning prejudice against some unoffending person, solely +because of the excessive praise of some injudicious friend. Yet none the +less are we bound to defend our friends behind their backs and to set them +in a fair light. If we cannot aspire generally to St. Theresa's title of +"Advocate of the Absent," honour demands that we should at least earn it +with regard to our friends: though it requires infinite tact to avoid +making your friend fatiguing, if not distasteful, to your listener in so +doing. For Tact, as well as Honour, is a necessary condition of +friendship, in speaking both of, and to, your friend. In this matter of +tact, Courtesy covers a large part of the ground. + + "We have careful thought for the stranger, + And smiles for the some time guest, + But we grieve our own + With look and tone, + Though we love our own the best." + +This applies most to brothers and sisters, but also to friends; it takes +the delicate edge from friendship if we think ourselves absolved from the +minor courtesies of manner and speech. + +We often say pretty things to an acquaintance, and omit them to a friend, +"because she knows us, and we need not be ceremonious." But ceremony is +not half such a bad thing as this age seems to think; it may be overdone, +but so may its opposite. Why should we not give our friend the pleasure of +this or that acknowledgment of her powers, which a stranger would give +her, but which she would value far more from us, even though she "knows we +know" it? Saying those things makes the wheels of life's chariot run +smoothly,--we think them, why are we so slow to say them? Why should "the +privilege of a friend" be synonymous with a cutting remark? Why should we +all have reason to feel that "friend" might, without any violation of +truth, be substituted for the last word in that acute remark on the "fine +frankness about unpleasant truths which marks the relative"? Well might +Bob Jakes say, "Lor, miss, it's a fine thing to hev' a dumb brute fond o' +yer! it sticks to yer and makes no jaw." This question of making no "jaw" +is rather a vexed one. Most people's experience would lead them to attend +to a canny Dutch proverb, which observes that a "friend's" faults may be +noticed but not blamed: since the consequences of blaming them are mostly +unpleasant; but a braver proverb says, "A true friend dares sometimes +venture to be offensive;" and we read that it is our duty to "admonish a +friend; it may be that he hath not said it, and, if he have, that he speak +it not again." But this earnest remonstrance which is sometimes required +of us is very different from the small, nagging, and somewhat impertinent +criticisms which pass so freely between many friends. But defending an +absent friend is not the only point of honour essential in true +friendship. At the present time the Roman virtues seem somewhat at a +discount,--they are suspected of a flavour of Paganism; it is more in +accordance with the Genius of our Age to show our interest in our friend +by talking over his moral and spiritual condition (and _par parenthese_, +all his other affairs) with a sympathizing circle, than to heed the +old-fashioned idea, "He that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the +matter." How often do we hear, "I wouldn't, for the world, tell any one +but you, but--;" and then follows a string of repeated confidences which +the friend under discussion would writhe to hear; yet the speaker would be +most indignant at being considered dishonourable, because "it was only +said to So-and-so, which is _so_ different from saying it to any one +else"! The Son of Sirach made no exception in favour of "So-and-so" when +he said, "Rehearse not unto another that which is told unto thee, and thou +shall fare never the worse." If it be true of a wife, that "a silent and +loving woman is a gift of the Lord," I am sure it is no less so of a +friend; in friendship, as in most relations of life, silence, in its +season, is a cardinal virtue. + +Girls are often tempted to retail their family affairs to some chosen +friend, from a love of confidential mysteries; the pleasure of being a +martyr leads not only to the communication of moving details of home life, +but frequently to their invention. A friend of mine adopted a niece, who +afterwards married and wrote from India asking her aunt to look through +and burn her old letters. My friend found touching pictures of home +tyranny in the letters from school friends and answers to similar +complaints, which the niece had evidently written about her own treatment +and since forgotten; possibly the home circles of the other girls would +have found the same difficulty that my friend did in recognizing +themselves: + + "Portrayed with sooty garb and features swarth." + +Equal with Honour, and before Tact, among the conditions of Friendship, I +would place Truth, for there can be no union without this for a basis. We +have touched already on the truth involved in what is called being +"faithful" to a friend, but there are many other kinds required. Passing +over the more obvious of these, I would draw attention to the subtler form +of untruth, involved in endowing your friend with imaginary gifts and +graces. + +Yet the more we know of a true friend, the more we find to reverence in +him, and the more ground for humility in ourselves: "Have a quick eye to +see" their virtues; nay, more, idealize those virtues as much as you will, +for this is a very different thing from endowing them with those they have +not; this is only learning to see with that divine insight essential to +the highest truth in friendship. "There is a perfect ideal," says Ruskin, +"to be wrought out of every human face around us," and so it is with our +friends' characters. + +And when we have found that ideal and true self, we must be loyal to +it--loyal to our friends against their lower selves as well as against +their detractors. Plutarch says, "The influence of a true friend is felt +in the help that he gives the noble part of nature; nothing that is weak +or poor meets with encouragement from him. While the flatterer fans every +spark of suspicion, envy, or grudge, he may be described in the verse of +Sophocles as 'sharing the love and not the hatred of the person he cares +for.'" Such a bit as that makes us forget the centuries which have rolled +between us and Plutarch; his temptations are ours--how much easier it is +to us to please our friends by sympathizing with their feelings, whether +that feeling be right or wrong! How much pleasanter it is to us to gratify +our selfish affection by giving them what they want, as Wentworth did King +Charles, than to brace them to endure hardness for the sake of others! + +We are so apt to give and to ask for weakening consolation. Sympathy in +the ordinary use of the term is more weakening than anything, and it is +pleasant to give and to take. + +But sympathy should be like bracing air: "no friendship is worth the name +which does not inspire new and stronger views of duty." We all care to be +sons of consolation,--let us see to it that we brace others instead of +giving mere pity. We all like to be pitied, but in our heart we are more +grateful to the friend who puts fresh spring into us, by what perhaps +seems hard common sense. Those are the friends whose memory comes back to +us when circumstances, or years, or distance, have drifted us far apart. + +The friend who fed the weaker part of us never gets from us the same +genuine affection with real stuff in it. How much easier it is to +sympathize with our friends' unreasonable vexation--to join in their +uncharitable speeches, or in laughing at something we ought not to laugh +at, than to brace them + + "to welcome each rebuff + That turns earth's smoothness rough, + each sting that bids nor sit nor stand, but go!" + +We find it very hard, almost impossible, to live always up to our own +best self, and we may be quite sure our friends do too, whether they talk +about it or not, and our duty, as a friend, is to see their best self and +help them to be it. Very often the mere fact of knowing that our friend +sees our nobler nature, and believes in it, heartens us to keep faith in +it and to go on striving after it. "Edward Irving unconsciously elevated +every man he talked with into the ideal man he ought to have been; and +went about the world making men noble by believing them to be so." + +It rests with each of us to draw out the better part in others; we all +know people with whom we are at our best, and we have failed in our Duty +to our Neighbour if we do not make others feel this with us. "Each soul is +in some other's presence quite discrowned;" let the reverse be true where +we are. + +It is a terrible thought that we have perhaps made others less noble, less +pure, less conscientious, than they would have been. We can never repair +the harm we do to one who loses faith in our goodness,--he inevitably +loses some part of his faith in goodness itself. "Much of our lives is +spent in marring our own influence," says George Eliot, "and turning +others' belief in us into a widely concluding unbelief, which they call +knowledge of the world, but which is really disappointment in you or me." + +Nobody, who has not watched or felt it, knows the laming of all spiritual +energy, the hardening, the blighting of all noble impulse which comes from +this sort of knowledge of the world; and who can say that he has never +(more or less) been thus guilty?--it is more truly blood-guiltiness than +anything else, for it helps to murder souls. + +Perhaps the greatest of the innumerable blessings which friendship confers +on the character, lies in this fostering of moral thoughtfulness produced +by its responsibilities: "I know not a more serious thing than the +responsibility incurred by all human affection. Only think of this: +whoever loves you is growing like you; neither you nor he can hinder it, +save at the cost of alienation. Oh, if you are grateful for but one +creature's love, rise to the height of so pure a blessing--drag them not +down by the very embrace with which they cling to you, but through their +gentleness ensure their consecration."[6] + +It needs a noble nature to be capable of friendship, or rather a nature +which has carefully trained itself by discipline and self-denial, so as to +develop all the possibilities of nobleness which were latent in it. + +God gives each of us a nature with "pulses of nobleness," and it rests +with us whether this shall grow, or be choked by the commonplace part of +us. To be noble does not come without trouble. Good things are hard, and +"noble growths are slow."[7] + +He who would be noble must go through life like Hercules and the old +heroes, working hard for others; not troubling about personal comfort and +amusement, but practised in going without when he _could_ have,--for the +sake of better things. + +To be noble means having your impulses under control, and this most +especially where your affections are concerned. + +Do you want to help others to go right in life? I need not ask, for every +generous nature would care to do that, even if she did not care much about +her own soul. + +Now, you will not do much by direct effort, but you will do an immense +deal by conquering your own besetting sin. In the "Hallowing of Work," +Bishop Paget says, "Increased skill and experience and ability are great +gifts in working for others, but they do not _compare_ with the power +gained by conquering one fault of our own." + +Friendship can be the most beautiful thing in the world: it can be the +silliest thing in the world. It can be the most lowering: it can be the +most ennobling. Nothing excites so much laughter and hard speaking in the +world as "schoolgirl friendships;" as often as not they are found among +older people, but schoolgirls have given a name to this particular kind of +folly, so it behooves schoolgirls to keep clear of it, and to deprive the +name of its point. + +But can you help being sentimental if you are made like that? Some are of +good wholesome stuff, with an innate distaste for everything of the kind, +while to some it is their besetting sin. + +You can at least take precautions; for instance, do not day-dream about +your friend,--brooding over the thought of her weakens your fibre more +than being with her. + +Make a rule of life for yourself about your intercourse; walk and talk +with her more than with others, but at the same time sandwich those walks +and talks by going with other friends,--it is a great pity to narrow your +circle of possible friends by being absorbed in one person. + +Do not write sentimental letters, and, finally, do not sit in your +friend's pocket and say "Darling." (If you wish to know how it sounds, +read "A Bad Habit," by Mrs. Ewing.) + +I must confess that I believe in what is so often jeered at as "kindred +souls." Love is not measured by time; often we are truer friends through +some half-hour's talk, in which we saw another's real self, than through +years of ordinary meeting. But this is so different from the folly I speak +of, that I need not dwell on it; except to say that you will be spared +many disappointments if you are content with the fact that such moments of +sympathy have been, and do not look to have a permanent friendship on that +basis. When people draw the veil aside for a minute they generally put it +back closer than ever, and do not like to be reminded of the +self-revelation. + +In the foolish friendships that make so much unhappiness, half the folly +lies in expecting the other person to be always at high-water mark, and in +being fretful and reproachful when she is not. + +But to return to "schoolgirl friendships." When you go out into society +you may perhaps want to make private jokes among your friends, or to talk +privately to them instead of helping in general conversation, and you may +feel "I have nothing much to contribute to the general stock; why +shouldn't I enjoy myself? it's very hard I should be so severely +criticized for bad manners if I do." But if you look into any such matter, +you are sure to find that bad manners are bad Christianity. There is a +want of self-restraint in this schoolgirlishness; and you ought not to be +able to pick out a pair of great friends in general society, not merely +because, if you could, it would show them to be absurd and underbred, but +because it would mean that others were made to feel "left out." Have you +ever had some violent friendship--or laughed at it in others--which meant +running in and out of each other's houses at all hours--being +inseparable--quoting your friend, till your brothers exclaimed at her very +name--and making all your family feel that they ranked nowhere in +comparison with her? In this matter of home and friends conflicting, I +quite see the point of view of some: "My family don't give me the sympathy +and help that my friend does--they always tease or scold if I come to them +in a difficulty, and yet they are vexed and jealous when I find a friend +who can and will help." + +I do not say, Cut yourself off from your friend,--she is sent by God to +help you; but, Remember to feel for your Mother;--see how natural and +loving her jealousy is, and spare it by constant tact--instead of being a +martyr, feel that it is _she_, and not _you_, who is ill-used. And in all +ways, never let outside affections interfere with home ones. It is the +great difference between them, that outside, self-chosen affections burn +all the stronger for repression and self-restraint; while home ones burn +stronger for each act of attention to them and expression of them; _e.g._ +postponing a visit to a friend for a walk with a brother will make both +loves stronger, and _vice versa_,--and your friendship will last all the +longer because you consume your own smoke. Dr. Carpenter says that signs +of love wear out the feeling;--every now and then they strengthen it, but +their frequency shows weakness. Friendships are God-given ties when they +are real, but inseparable ones are mostly only follies;--anyhow, family +ties are the most God-given of all, and friendship should help us to +fulfil family claims better, instead of making us neglect them. The best +test of whether your love for an outside person is of the right kind, is, +does it make you pleasanter at home? Mr. Lowell mentions an epitaph in the +neighbourhood of Boston, which recorded the name and date of a wife and +mother, adding simply, "She was so pleasant." + +We realize that we ought to make the world better than we find it, but we +do not realize how much more we should succeed in doing so if we made it +brighter,--a task which is in everybody's power. We are all ready to bear +pain for others, but we overlook the little ways in which we might give +pleasure. "Always say a kind word if you can," says Helps, "if only that +it may come in perhaps with a singular opportuneness, entering some +mournful man's darkened room, like a beautiful firefly, whose happy +circumvolutions he cannot but watch, forgetting his many troubles." + +And there is one tiny little suggestion I would make to you, so small it +will not fit on to any of my larger headings. Do not make fun of your +friend's little mishaps, little stupidities, losing her luggage, having +said the wrong thing, or having a black on her face when she especially +wished to look well! Your remark may be witty, but it does not really +amuse the victim. I know it is very good for people to be chaffed, and I +do not wish them to lose this wholesome bracing. And yet we have a special +clinging to some tactful friends who never let us feel foolish. + +Another test you should apply to Friendship is, does it lead to idle +words? Every one likes talking about their neighbours, and dress, and +amusement, but we need to be careful that kindliness and nice-mindedness +are not sacrificed, and that all our interests are not on that level. Many +think that a woman's interest can rise no higher, and many girls and many +women give colour to what you and I think a slander on us! We all like +these things, but we all like higher things too, and we need to encourage +the higher part of us because it so soon dies away. You know better than I +do how much of your own talk may be silly chatter--or worse--flippant or +wrong talk, which you would stop if an older person were by. I have heard +High Schools strongly objected to because they made the girls so full of +gossip, about what this or that teacher said, or what some girl did, till +their people hated the very name of school. If school friends talk much +school gossip, they must weaken their minds and feel at a loss when out +of their school set. It is very "provincial" to have no conversation +except the small gossip which would bore a stranger, and yet I fear many +friends confine themselves to a kind of talk which unfits them for general +society. You prohibit "talking shop," by which you sometimes mean subjects +which are interesting to all intelligent people, and yet you talk +gossiping "shop" about the mere accidents of school life. But, unless you +interweave thoughtful interests and sensible topics of conversation with +your friendship, it cannot last. There must be the tie of a common higher +interest--it may be a common work, or intellectual sympathy, or, best of +all, oneness in the highest things--but without this a mere personal fancy +will not stand the monotony, much less the rubs and jars, of close +intimacy. A friendship, where the personal affection is the deepest +feeling, is not a deep love, or of a high kind;--we must in the widest +sense love "honour more." "Love is a primary affection in those who love +little: a secondary one in those who love much" (Coleridge). + +A stool must have three legs if it is to support you, and two friends want +a third interest to unite them, or the friendship will die away in +unreasonable claims and jealousies; since "claimativeness" is the evil +genius which haunts friendship, unless common sense and wholesome +interests are at hand to help. It is difficult, but necessary, to learn +that affection is not a matter of will, except in family ties; that our +friends love us in exact proportion as we appear to them lovable, that +"the less you claim, the more you will have," as the Duke of Wellington +said of authority. A very little humility would wonderfully lessen our +demands upon our friends' affections, and a very little wisdom would +preserve us from trying to win them by reproaches. How many coolnesses +would be avoided could we learn to see that friendship, like all other +relations of life, has more duties than rights. Nothing so certainly kills +love as reproaches; I do not believe any affection will stand it. Our hurt +feelings may seem to us tenderness and depth of feeling, but they are +selfish:--"fine feelings seldom result in fine conduct." If our love were +perfectly selfless, we should be glad of all pleasure for our friend; +failure in his allegiance to us would not change us, nothing would do that +except failure in his allegiance to his better self. We should love our +friends not for what they are to us, but for what they are in themselves. +Of course, it may be said that fickleness to us is a flaw in his better +self, but if we stop to think how many tiresome ways we probably have, we +shall be lenient to the friends who show consciousness of them. + +It is a natural instinct with all of us to claim love; those who seem +most richly blessed with it probably have some one from whom they desire +more than they receive; every one has to learn, sooner or later, that "an +unnavigable ocean washes between all human souls,"-- + + "We live together years and years, + And leave unsounded still + Each other's depths of hopes and fears, + Each other's depths of ill. + + "We live together day by day, + And some chance look or tone + Lights up with instantaneous ray + An inner world unknown." + +We all have to learn, sooner or later, that nothing less than Divine Love +can satisfy us, but because our natural longings are so often denied, some +say they are wrong and should be crushed out. It is wrong to give way to +them, to yield to the tendency which is so strong with some, to let all +their interests be personal,--to care for places and natural beauty and +subjects only because they are associated with people,--to let life be +dull to us unless our personal affections are in play. Women ought to make +it a point of conscience to learn to care for things impersonally. We are +too apt to be like Recha in "Nathan," when she only looked at the palm +trees because the Templar was standing under them; when her mind +recovered its balance, she could see the palm trees themselves. + + "Nun werd' ich auch die Palmen wieder sehen + Nicht ihn bloss untern Palmen." + +If God sends us the trial of loneliness, it may be that He has a special +work for us, which needs a long and lonely vigil beside our armour. He may +be depriving us of earthly comfort to draw us closer to Himself, that we +may learn from Him to be true Sons of Consolation. + +"When God cuts off the shoots of our own interests," it has been well +said, "it is that we may graft on our hearts the interests of others." + +Nothing but knowing what loneliness is can teach us to feel for it in +others. Nine-tenths of the world do suffer from it at some time or other; +you may not now, but you will some day; and, if you are spared it, +nine-tenths of the sorrows of life will be a sealed book to you. "I prayed +the Lord," says George Fox, "that he would baptize my heart into a sense +of the conditions and needs of all men." + +But our Lord, Who Himself suffered under the trial of loneliness, sends +all of us friends whom we do not deserve. We can trust to Him to give us +the friends we need, just when we need them, and just as long as we need +them, as surely as we trust Him for daily bread. He may be keeping His +best to the last; nay, the best may never come to us in this life at all; +but it is as true now as when St. Anselm said it, eight hundred years +ago:-- + +"In Thee desires which are deferred are not diminished, but rather +increased; no noble part, though unfulfilled on earth, is suffered to +perish in the soul which lives in Thee, but is deepened and hollowed out +by suffering and yearning and want, that it may become capable of a larger +fulfilment hereafter." + +The hunger of the heart is as natural, and therefore as much implanted by +God, as the hunger of the body. Neither must be gratified unlawfully; but +when God sends food to either we should accept it thankfully, without +either asceticism or greediness, and use the strength it gives us as a +means of service. Does not the essence of the wrong sort of love consist +in our looking on the affection we receive, or crave for, as a self-ending +pleasure, instead of as a gift which is only sent to us to make us +happier, and stronger to serve others? + +We do not need to be always self-questioning as to how far we are using +our happiness for others. We do not count our mouthfuls of food, we feed +our bodies without thinking of it, and so we should do to our hearts; but +we are often not healthy-minded enough to go right unconsciously, though +some happy souls there are-- + + "Glad hearts, without reproach or blot, + Who do God's work, and know it not." + +The Fall brings us under the curse; the tree of knowledge of good and +evil has entailed upon us the necessity of self-knowledge; and if we find +our hearts out of joint, and craving for more love than we get, we should +examine ourselves as to whether we use the love we do get, like the +runner's torch handed on from one to the other; whether the glow of our +happiness warms us to pass on light and heat to others, or whether we +absorb it all ourselves. + +And if we know that we are selfish in the matter,--what then? We cannot +make ourselves unselfish by a wish; we cannot win love at will. But, +though we cannot gain love, we can give it; we can learn to love so well, +that we are satisfied by the happiness of those we love, even though we +have nothing to do with that happiness. + +"How hard a thing it is to look into happiness with another man's eyes!" +but it can be done. People do sometimes live, "quenching their human +thirst in others' joys." + +Although our craving for sympathy is wrong if it be allowed to lame our +energies, yet in itself we cannot say it is wrong. "To become saints," +says F.W. Robertson, "we must not cease to be men and women. And if there +be any part of our nature which is essentially human, it is the craving +for sympathy. The Perfect One gave sympathy and wanted it. 'Could ye not +watch with Me one hour?' 'Will ye also go away?' Found it, surely, even +though His brethren believed not on Him; found it in St. John and Martha, +and Mary and Lazarus:"-- + + "David had his Jonathan, and Christ His John." + +Some people are quite conscious that they do not "get on" with others; and +they are tempted to be morbidly irritable and exacting, or else to shut +themselves up and say, "It's no use, no one wants me." If no one wants +you, it is your fault; for if you were always ready to be unselfish and +thoughtful for others in small ways, you would be wanted. You need not +fret because you are not amusing to talk to, and think that therefore you +cannot win affection. As a rule, people do not want you to talk; they want +you to listen. Now, any one can be a good listener, for that requires +moral, and not intellectual qualifications. Sympathy to guess somebody's +favourite subject, and to be really interested in it, will always make +that somebody think you pleasant; but the interest must be real: if you +only give it for what you can get, you will get nothing. + +The right person always is sent just when needed. I do not believe in +people missing each other--though it may very well be that we are not fit +to be trusted with the affection we should like, and that God knows we +should rest in it if we had it, and never turn to Him, and so He keeps it +from us till we are ready for it. The longer we live the more we are +struck by the apparent chance which threw us with the right people. + +There is a Turkish proverb which says, "Every only child has a sister +somewhere," and F.D. Maurice, in his beautiful paper on the "Faery Queen," +declares his belief that all who are meant to be friends and to help each +other will find each other at the right time, just as Spenser's knights, +though wandering in trackless forests, always encountered each other when +help was wanted. + +And if all this is true of ordinary friendship--if it calls for so much +high principle and self-denial and prayer--what of love, "the perfection +of friendship"? It is usually either ignored or joked about. The jokes are +edged tools always in bad taste and often dangerous, but it is a pity the +subject should be ignored. When it becomes a personal question the girl is +sure to be too excited or irritable to take advice, so that there is +something to be said for that discussion of "love in the abstract," which +Sydney Smith overheard at a Scotch ball. It is surely better, in forming +her standard and opinion on this most important of all points, that a girl +should have the help of her mother and older friends. Girls do not go to +their mothers as they might, because they wait till they are sore and +conscious and resentful. Most girls would rather be married, and quite +right too,--in no other state of life will they find such thorough +discipline and chastening!--it is the only life which makes a true and +perfect woman. But if they wish it, let them not be so untidy, so fidgety, +so domineering, that no man in his senses would put up with them! And if +she be a "leisured girl" with no duty calling her from home (or very +possibly many duties calling her to remain at home), let her think, not +twice, but many times, before a wish for independence and Bohemianism +(which she translates into "Art") leads her into grooves of life where she +is very unlikely to meet the sort of man who can give her the home and the +surroundings to which she is accustomed. Harriet Byron's despair and +ecstasy about Sir Charles have passed away, but girls still dream of +heroes (not always so heroic as Sir Charles). Their dreams cannot fail to +be coloured by the novels they read and the poetry they dwell on; do they +always realize the responsibility of keeping good company? Read +love-stories, by all means, but let them be noble ones, such as show you, +Molly Gibson, Mary Colet, Romola, Di Vernon, Margaret Hale, Shirley, Anne +Elliot, The Angel in the House, The Gardener's Daughter, The Miller's +Daughter, Sweet Susan Winstanley, and Beatrice. It is impossible to dwell +on the mere passionate emotion of second-rate novels and sensuous poetry, +without wiping some possibility of nobleness out of your own life. Every +influence which you allow to pass through your mind colours it, but most +of all, those which appeal to your feelings. You take pains to strengthen +your minds, but you let your feelings come up as wheat or tares according +to chance; and yet the unruly wills and affections of women need more +discipline than their minds. + +Perhaps the individual girl feels commonplace and of small account. Why +should she restrain her love of fun, her Tomboyism, her tendency to +flirtation? She is no heroine! But, let her be as commonplace as possible, +she will represent Woman to the man who is in love with her, as surely as +Beatrice represented it to Dante. + +Every woman, married or single, alters the opinion of some man about +women. Even a careless man judges a girl in a way that she, with her head +full of nonsense, probably never dreams of;--he has a standard for her, +though he has none for himself. + +It is small wonder that chivalrous devotion should decrease when women lay +so little claim to it. Miss Edgeworth needed to decry sentimental and +high-flown feelings,--the Miss Edgeworth of to-day would need to uphold +romance. + +Women may still be "Queens of noble Nature's crowning," but they too +often find that crown irksome, and prefer to be hail-fellow-well-met, +taking and allowing liberties, which give small encouragement to men to be +like Susan Winstanley's lover. + +Dante never watched the young man and maiden of to-day accosting each +other, or he would not have said-- + + "If she salutes him, all his being o'er + Flows humbleness." + +I am afraid Dante would now be left "_sole_ sitting by the shores of old +Romance," unless indeed he went to some of the seniors, who are supposed +to have no feelings left! "If you want to marry a young heart, you must +look for it in an old body." + +Are you, then, to reject all suggestions of a sensible marriage with any +man who is not Prince Perfect? I once read a very sensible little poem +which described the heroine waiting year after year for Prince Perfect. He +came at last, but unfortunately "he sought perfection too," so nothing +came of it! Cromwell's rule in choosing his Ironsides is the safest in +choosing a husband: "Give me a man that hath principle--I know where to +have him." If he comes to you disguised as one of these somewhat +commonplace Ironsides, and recommended by your mother, consider how very +much the fairy Prince of your dreams would have to put up with in you, and +you will probably find it heavenly, as well as worldly wisdom, to "go +down on your knees and thank Heaven fasting for a good man's love." You +will tell me that many happy and useful lives are now open to women, and +that they need not be dependent on marriage for happiness,--and I shall +quite agree with you; you may go on to say that marriage can now be to a +woman a mere choice amongst many professions, a mere accident, as it is to +a man,--and there I shall totally disagree with you. It is quite possible +that Happiness may lie in the narrower, more self-willed work of the +single woman, but Blessedness, which is higher and more enduring than +happiness, can only be known to the married woman whose whole nature is +developed, and _fully_ known only to the "Queen of Marriage: a most +perfect wife." + +Are you, then, to spend your lives making nets, or, following Swift's wise +caution, even in making cages, waiting, like Lydia Languish, for a hero of +romance, and beguiling the interval with reading "The Delicate Distress," +and "The Mistakes of the Heart"? Not at all! The best way to prepare for +marriage is to prepare yourself to be like Bridget Elia, "an incomparable +old maid." + + "The soul, that goodness like to this adorns + Holdeth it not concealed; + But, from her first espousal to the frame, + Shows it, till death, revealed. + Obedient, sweet, and full of seemly shame, + She, in the primal age, + The person decks with beauty; moulding it + Fitly through every part. + In riper manhood, temperate, firm of heart, + With love replenished, and with courteous praise, + In loyal deeds alone she hath delight. + And, in her elder days, + For prudence and just largeness is she known; + Rejoicing with herself, + That wisdom in her staid discourse be shown. + Then, in life's fourth division, at the last + She weds with God again, + Contemplating the end she shall attain; + And looketh back, and blesseth the time past."--_Dante_. + +[Footnote 6: James Martineau.] + +[Footnote 7: Channing.] + + + + +A Good Time. + + +We sometimes hear people lamenting the dangers of this age as regards +unsettled views in religion, while others lament that girls neglect home +duties for outside work. + +I am not at all sure that our greatest danger does not lurk in that most +modern invention, "a good time," which, as a disturbing element, is +closely related to that other modern institution "week-ends." + +Fifteen or twenty years ago, a self-willed or self-indulgent girl escaped +from the monotony of home duties by the door which led into slums and +hospitals. Nowadays the same girl finds that duties can be evaded by the +simpler plan of staying at home and having "a good time." I do not think +this will last, any more than slumming, as a mere fashion, has lasted. I +hope not, for it means that girls have had very full liberty given to +them, and that their sense of responsibility has not yet grown in +proportion to their freedom. Just now, pending the growth of that sixth +sense, "a good time" is very easily to be had--at the cost of a little +want of consideration for others--since the elders of to-day are curiously +large-hearted in giving freely and asking very little in return. + +But it would be an ungenerous nature which took advantage of generosity, +and was content to take much and give little. + +Surely it is utterly ignoble that any living soul sent into the great +battle should ask to pick flowers, while every one worth their salt was +hard at work fighting the foe, protecting the weak, nursing the wounded. I +do not believe a girl would do it if she thought twice; every generous +instinct would cry out against it. But a girl may drift into a very +selfish pleasure-seeking life, and the tendency of the day is to regard +this as a defendable and lawful line of life. Duty will hold its own with +the morally thoughtful and with generous natures, but it is no longer an +unquestioned motto for every one as it used to be in Nelson's days. + +I have heard a girl rebel against her life, on the ground that she had a +right to a good time; youth was the time for pleasure, she would never +again have such a power of enjoyment, and it was absolutely criminal on +her parents' part not to provide her with more. I thought she already had +more than most; but in any case, I did not agree with her in saying that +she must enjoy now, or not at all. In case it should be any comfort to +those of you who may have a dull life, I can tell you that it is not so. I +am convinced we all have a certain power of enjoyment, and if you can get +your fill of pleasure in youth, you do not find as much keen enjoyment in +middle life as if you had been kept on a shorter allowance. It is true you +do not enjoy quite the same things--there are youthful amusements which +you can only enjoy at a certain stage; but take comfort, if you do not get +as much as you would like now, it will only mean keener enjoyment of the +pleasures of the next stage of life. + +But what struck me most was her fundamental assumption that Pleasure was a +valid object in life, and that she was sent into the world to get as much +as she could. + +If so, I think the world is a great Failure. I often hear people saying, +"I cannot believe in God, because of the Pain in the world;" and if this +world was the end of things, that would be reasonable; if Pleasure is the +object of Life, it would be better never to be born! But if we are sent +here to grow, then I cannot understand Pain being a reason for doubting +God's love. Looking back on life, I am sure each will feel, "I could not +afford to miss one of its shadows, no matter how black they were at the +time." And the fact that you and I each feel that the key of God's love +fits the lock of our individual life, should be one valid reason for +believing that all Life is ordered for a right and noble purpose; our +happy lives are as real a bit of Life, and as good a specimen of God's +government, as sad ones. + +People say to me, "Yes, I feel as you do about myself, but others have +such terrible shadows that I cannot feel God is good!" Well, some +sufferers tell me they would not change their life, for they feel God's +love in it: surely they have a right to speak. We learn from them that +Pain works rightly into life. + +What makes a woman's life worth living? That she has had this or that +pleasure--that she has riches or poverty--that she is married or lonely, +that she married the right man or the wrong? + +No! What matters is, whether she is growing more and more into tune with +the Infinite? Is she learning God's lesson, and fitting herself for the +still nobler life He wants to give her? + +You and I came into the world to do our part in a noble battle-- + + "'Twere worth a thousand years of strife, + 'Twere worth a wise man's best of life. + If he could lessen but by one + The countless ills beneath the sun." + +Besides, you will not find Pleasure-seeking pays in the long run! If you +are feeling that Pleasure with a big "P" is your due, then all the little +annoyances prick and irritate. If you pay heavily for a new dress which +hangs badly, it is trying; if you never expected a new dress at all, and +that same dress was unexpectedly given you, the drawback would be looked +at very differently. + +It would pay pleasure-seekers to try the old plan of looking on life as a +Duty, where pleasures came by accident or kindness, and were heartily and +gratefully enjoyed. Do you remember in the "Daisy Chain," how Ethel says, +after the picnic, that the big attempts at pleasure generally go wrong, +and that the true pleasures of life are the little unsought joys that come +in the natural course of things? Dr. May disliked hearing her so wise at +her age, but I think it must have been rather a comfort to Ethel to have +found it out. No thought of that kind damps your pleasure when the dance +or the picnic turn out a great success! And when they do not, it is nice +to feel there are other things in life. Every one knows how often +something goes wrong at a big pleasure; the right people are not there, or +your dress is not quite right; you are tired, or you say the wrong thing; +while, if you get much pleasure, a certain monotony is soon felt, and you +envy the vivid enjoyment of the girl who scarcely ever has a treat. + +It stands to reason, that if you are deliberately arranging to get +pleasure, and plenty of it, you cannot (from a purely pleasure point of +view) enjoy it as much as if your life consisted of duties, and your +pleasures came by the way. But there is a deeper reason why a life of +amusement fails to amuse. It is not only that we are so made that nearly +all our sensations of pleasure depend on novelty, the keenness wearing off +if a sensation is repeated. + +The reason lies in a fact which militates against the Pleasure-seeker's +foundation idea:--the fact that we are made for something else than +pleasure, failing which we remain unsatisfied. "There is in man a HIGHER +than Love of Happiness: he can do without Happiness, and instead thereof +find Blessedness." + +Here is the point I should like you to think clearly out for yourselves. +Fifty years ago, Carlyle taught this truth as with thunder from Sinai. Let +us imbue our minds with his passionate scorn for those who come into this +noble world to suck sweets,--to have "a good time." "Sartor Resartus," one +of the Battle-cries of Life, and "Past and Present," which has small mercy +for idlers and pleasure-seekers, are character-making books:-- + + "There went to the making of man + Time with a gift of tears, + Grief with a glass that ran," + +and there also go, to the making of man and woman, certain books. + +These may vary in each case and in generation. Tom Brown and Mr. Knowles' +"King Arthur" may not do for you what they did for me; "Sesame and +Lilies," "Past and Present," Emerson's "Twenty Essays" may be superseded, +though I can hardly believe it; but see to it that you find and read their +true successors, carry out Dr. Abbott's advice to his boys--to "read half +a dozen de-vulgarizing books before leaving school." + +Surely R.L. Stevenson should be on the list, for he speaks so splendidly +on Carlyle's great point that man was born for something better than +Happiness. He says, over and over again, "Happiness is not the reward that +mankind seeks. Happinesses are but his wayside campings; his soul is in +the journey; he was born for struggle, and only tastes his life in +effort." He sounds the same note as Marcus Aurelius, another of the +de-vulgarizing man-making books of the world. + +The message of all these men is, "Love not Pleasure; love God. This is the +EVERLASTING YEA, wherein who walks and works it is well with him." + +Surely, when we look into things and leave our hungry wishes on one side, +it seems clear to the best side of our nature that we are born, not with a +right to Pleasure, but with a right to opportunity for development on our +own highest lines. + +A pig has a right to pigs-wash--he has no higher capacity. You and I have +a capacity for courage and helpfulness and friendship with God. Our life +will be a success if these things are developed, and a failure if they are +not. This is the success we have a right to, but as likely as not it may +need Pain, not Pleasure, for its achievement; and in this case you and I +are born with a right to Pain, and we should be defrauded if any one saved +us from it. + +I know you want Happiness and pleasure, and I sympathize with you; but it +makes all the difference to your whole life if you go out into the world +like a vulture screaming for prey, or if you start out hoping, in the +first place, to be brave and helpful, and, only in the second place, ready +to take any pleasure as a good gift to be happy and grateful about. + +"How needlessly mean our life is; though we, by the depth of our living, +can deck it with more than regal splendour!"[8] + +Do you feel that this is very tall talk for quiet lives like yours and +mine? Yes, it is; but we need great ideals to live even small lives by. +Probably no one of us will ever get near living a noble life, but we can +make our lives of the same fibre as those of the heroes. We can live on +noble lines. + +How? + +I.--Let us _work for others_: which may mean no more than being the +useful one in the house and perhaps taking a Sunday-school class. + +II.--Let us live with noble people, _i.e._ read steadily books which keep +us in touch with larger minds--if you are constantly meeting clever people +that does instead, but if you lead quiet lives with not much to talk +about, except gossip and family events, then secure a daily talk with +people worth talking to. + +III.--Let us live part of each day with God. St. Christopher is the patron +saint of those who want to lead a noble, helpful life, and yet feel that +in them there lies no touch of saintliness, save it be some far-off touch +to know well they are not saints. + +You know his story: how he sought to serve the strongest, first the +Emperor, then the Devil, then the Crucified; how he went to an old hermit +and said, "I am no saint, I cannot pray, but teach me to work for the +Master;" and how at last he found that in his common work he attained to +the service of the Crucified. + +You and I are sent into the world to serve the strongest, and we know that +means the Crucified. + +What makes Life worth while, and increasingly worth while, every year you +live, is that He does not offer us Pleasure, though He gives it to most of +us in overflowing measure: He offers us a share in His work. Think of all +we owe to others, to all who love us--to all who make life easy to +us--and feel what a debt we owe. Think of the work He is doing--of the +work He died for. Think how He calls each one to His side to be His friend +and helper and fellow-soldier. Think of the possibility which belongs to +each one of us, of being one of His great army of those whose name is +Help. + +Let us thank Him for our Creation, in that such possibilities are before +us. Verily, Life is well worth living. + + "Go forth and bravely do your part, + O knights of the unshielded heart." + +[Footnote 8: Emerson.] + + +THE END. + + + + + + +WORKS BY L. H. M. SOULSBY + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR GIRLS, 2s. 6d. net. + +(New and Enlarged Edition.) + +CONTENTS: Lines written on being told that a Lady was "Plain and +Commonplace"--The Virtuous Woman--Making Plans--Conversation--Aunt Rachel; +or, Old Maids' Children--"Get up, M. le Comte!"--A Friday Lesson--A Home +Art; or, Mothers and Daughters--_Esprit de Corps_--Rough Notes of a +Lesson--Holidays--Sunday--Friendship and Love--A Good Time. + +The Original Edition of this book is still on sale, 16mo, 1s. 6d. net. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR MOTHERS AND TEACHERS, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: The Religious Side of Secular Teaching--Home Education from 14 +to 17--Mothers and Day Schools--Teaching of History--etc. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS ON READING, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Suggestions on Reading--Romola--Charles Kingsley--"The Happy +Warrior"--Paracelsus--Dante--Pilgrim's Progress--etc. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS ON CHARACTER, 2s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Happiness[A]--One Called Help[B]--Two Aspects of Education or +Self-Control and the Ideal Woman[B]--The Use of Leisure or Thoughts on +Education[B]--etc. + +[Footnote A: This is printed separately, price 3d. net.] + +[Footnote B: These are printed separately, price 4d. net each.] + +The four books as above are also issued bound in limp leather, gilt +edges, and can be obtained through any bookseller. + + +STRAY THOUGHTS FOR INVALIDS, 2s. net. + +CONTENTS: "I do well to be Angry"--"Purring when you're pleased"--The Duty +of Eating--Nervous Irritability--The Shadow of the Future--The Fear of +Death--etc. + + +SUGGESTIONS ON PRAYER, 1s. net, or in Cloth, 1s. 6d. net. + +CONTENTS: Difficulties in Prayer--Making a Prayer Book--Prayer is +Power--Self-Examination--Questions on the Ten Commandments. + + + SHORT PRAYERS, cloth limp, 16mo, 6d. net. + CHRIST AND HIS CROSS, 2s. net. + +Selections from Rutherford's Letters. + + +CHRISTIAN PERFECTION, 2s. net. + +By WILLIAM LAW, EDITED BY L.H.M. 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